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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/7947-0.txt b/7947-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..97cab17 --- /dev/null +++ b/7947-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5814 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 7947 *** + + + + +THE DIARY OF A U-BOAT COMMANDER + +WITH AN INTRODUCTION AND EXPLANATORY NOTES BY ETIENNE + +AND + +_18 Illustrations on Art Paper by Frank H. Mason._ + + + + + + + +[Illustration: "We rammed a destroyer, passing through her like a knife +through cheese."] + + * * * * * + +BOOKS BY ETIENNE + +STRANGE TALES FROM THE FLEET + +A NAVAL LIEUTENANT + +1914--1918. + +"In collaboration with Navallus. + +Five Songs from the Grand Fleet." + +[Illustration: "...they are so black and swift I don't go near them."] + + * * * * * + +LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS + +"We rammed a destroyer, passing through her like a knife through +cheese" + +"...they are so black and swift I don't go near them" + +"Steering north-westerly ... to lay a small minefield off Newcastle" + +"He had suddenly seen the bow waves of a destroyer approaching at full +speed to ram" + +"We were put down by a trawler at dawn" + +"The torpedo had jumped clean out of the water a hundred yards short of +the steamer and had then dived under her" + +"A moment later there was a severe jar; we had struck the bottom" + +"As the dim lights on the mole disappeared, the ceaseless fountain of +star-shells, mingling with the flashing of guns, rose inland on our +port beam" + +"We hit her aft for the second time...." + +"The track met our ram" + +"In the flash I caught a glimpse of his conning tower" + +"The 1,000 kilogrammes of metal crashed down" + +"Good-bye! Steer west for America!" + +"It is a snug anchorage, and here I intend to remain" + +"A trapdoor near her bows fell down, the White Ensign was broken at the +fore, and a 4-inch gun opened fire from the embrasure that was revealed +on her side" + +"I sighted two convoys, but there were destroyers there...." + +"... when there was a blinding flash and the air seemed filled with +moaning fragments" + +"When I put up my periscope at 9 a.m. the horizon seemed to be ringed +with patrols" + + * * * * * + +INTRODUCTION + + +"I would ask you a favour," said the German captain, as we sat in the +cabin of a U-boat which had just been added to the long line of +bedraggled captives which stretched themselves for a mile or more in +Harwich Harbour, in November, 1918. + +I made no reply; I had just granted him a favour by allowing him to +leave the upper deck of the submarine, in order that he might await the +motor launch in some sort of privacy; why should he ask for more? + +Undeterred by my silence, he continued: "I have a great friend, +Lieutenant-zu-See Von Schenk, who brought U.122 over last week; he has +lost a diary, quite private, he left it in error; can he have it?" + +I deliberated, felt a certain pity, then remembered the _Belgian +Prince_ and other things, and so, looking the German in the face, I +said: + +"I can do nothing." + +"Please." + +I shook my head, then, to my astonishment, the German placed his head +in his hands and wept, his massive frame (for he was a very big man) +shook in irregular spasms; it was a most extraordinary spectacle. + +It seemed to me absurd that a man who had suffered, without visible +emotion, the monstrous humiliation of handing over his command intact, +should break down over a trivial incident concerning a diary, and not +even his own diary, and yet there was this man crying openly before me. + +It rather impressed me, and I felt a curious shyness at being present, +as if I had stumbled accidentally into some private recess of his mind. +I closed the cabin door, for I heard the voices of my crew approaching. + +He wept for some time, perhaps ten minutes, and I wished very much to +know of what he was thinking, but I couldn't imagine how it would be +possible to find out. + +I think that my behaviour in connection with his friend's diary added +the last necessary drop of water to the floods of emotion which he had +striven, and striven successfully, to hold in check during the agony of +handing over the boat, and now the dam had crumbled and broken away. + +It struck me that, down in the brilliantly-lit, stuffy little cabin, +the result of the war was epitomized. On the table were some +instruments I had forbidden him to remove, but which my first +lieutenant had discovered in the engineer officer's bag. + +On the settee lay a cheap, imitation leather suit-case, containing his +spare clothes and a few books. At the table sat Germany in defeat, +weeping, but not the tears of repentance, rather the tears of bitter +regret for humiliations undergone and ambitions unrealized. + +We did not speak again, for I heard the launch come alongside, and, as +she bumped against the U-boat, the noise echoed through the hull into +the cabin, and aroused him from his sorrows. He wiped his eyes, and, +with an attempt at his former hardiness, he followed me on deck and +boarded the motor launch. + +Next day I visited U.122, and these papers are presented to the public, +with such additional remarks as seemed desirable; for some curious +reason the author seems to have omitted nearly all dates. This may have +been due to the fear that the book, if captured, would be of great +value to the British Intelligence Department if the entries were dated. +The papers are in the form of two volumes in black leather binding, +with a long letter inside the cover of the second volume. + +_Internal evidence has permitted me to add the dates as regards the +years. My thanks are due to K. for assistance in translation_. + +ETIENNE. + + * * * * * + +The Diary of a U-boat Commander + + + + +One volume of my war-journal completed, and I must confess it is dull +reading. + +I could not help smiling as I read my enthusiastic remarks at the +outbreak of war, when we visualized battles by the week. What a +contrast between our expectations and the actual facts. + +Months of monotony, and I haven't even seen an Englishman yet. + +Our battle cruisers have had a little amusement with the coast raids at +Scarborough and elsewhere, but we battle-fleet fellows have seen +nothing, and done nothing. + +So I have decided to volunteer for the U-boat service, and my name went +in last week, though I am told it may be months before I am taken, as +there are about 250 lieutenants already on the waiting list. + +But sooner or later I suppose something will come of it. + +I shall have no cause to complain of inactivity in that Service, if I +get there. + + * * * * * + +I am off to-night for a six-days trip, two days of which are to be +spent in the train, to the Verdun sector. + +It has been a great piece of luck. The trip had been arranged by the +Military and Naval Inter-communication Department; and two officers +from this squadron were to go. + +There were 130 candidates, so we drew lots; as usual I was lucky and +drew one of the two chances. + +It should be intensely interesting. + + * * * * * + +_At_ ---- + + +I arrived here last night after a slow and tiresome journey, which was +somewhat alleviated by an excellent bottle of French wine which I +purchased whilst in the Champagne district. + +Long before we reached the vicinity of Verdun it was obvious to the +most casual observer that we were heading for a centre of unusual +activity. + +Hospital trains travelling north-east and east were numerous, and twice +our train, which was one of the ordinary military trains, was shunted +on to a siding to allow troop trains to rumble past. + +As we approached Verdun the noise of artillery, which I had heard +distantly once or twice during the day, as the casual railway train +approached the front, became more intense and grew from a low murmur +into a steady noise of a kind of growling description, punctuated at +irregular intervals by very deep booms as some especially heavy piece +was discharged, or an ammunition dump went up. + +The country here is very different from the mud flats of Flanders, as +it is hilly and well wooded. The Meuse, in the course of centuries, has +cut its way through the rampart of hills which surround Verdun, and we +are attacking the place from three directions. On the north we are +slowly forcing the French back on either river bank--a very costly +proceeding, as each wing must advance an equal amount, or the one that +advances is enfiladed from across the river. + +We are also slowly creeping forward from the east and north-east in the +direction of Douaumont. + +I am attached to a 105-cm. battery, a young Major von Markel in +command, a most charming fellow. I spent all to-day in the advanced +observing position with a young subaltern called Grabel, also a nice +young fellow. I was in position at 6 a.m., and, as apparently is common +here, mist hides everything from view until the sun attains a certain +strength. Our battery was supporting the attack on the north side of +the river, though the battery itself was on the south side, and firing +over a hill called L'Homme Mort. + +Von Markel told me that the fighting here has not been previously +equalled in the war, such is the intensity of the combat and the price +each side is paying. + +I could see for myself that this was so, and the whole atmosphere of +the place is pregnant with the supreme importance of this struggle, +which may well be the dying convulsions of decadent France. + +His Imperial Majesty himself has arrived on the scene to witness the +final triumph of our arms, and all agree that the end is imminent. + +Once we get Verdun, it is the general opinion that this portion of the +French front will break completely, carrying with it the adjacent +sectors, and the French Armies in the Vosges and Argonne will be +committed to a general retreat on converging lines. + +But, favourable as this would be to us, it is generally considered here +that the fall of Verdun will break the moral resistance of the French +nation. + +The feeling is, that infinitely more is involved than the capture of a +French town, or even the destruction of a French Army; it is a question +of stamina; it is the climax of the world war, the focal point of the +colossal struggle between the Latin and the Teuton, and on the +battlefields of Verdun the gods will decide the destinies of nations. + +When I got to the forward observing position, which was situated among +the ruins of a house, a most amazing noise made conversation difficult. + +The orchestra was in full blast and something approaching 12,000 pieces +of all sizes were in action on our side alone, this being the greatest +artillery concentration yet effected during the war. + +We were situated on one side of a valley which ran up at right angles +to the river, whose actual course was hidden by mist, which also +obscured the bottom of our valley. The front line was down in this +little valley, and as I arrived we lifted our barrage on to the far +hill-side to cover an attack which we were delivering at dawn. + +Nothing could be seen of the conflict down below, but after half an +hour we received orders to bring back our barrage again, and Grabel +informed me that the attack had evidently failed. This afternoon I +heard that it was indeed so, and that one division (the 58th), which +had tried to work along the river bank and outflank the hill, had been +caught by a concentration of six batteries of French 75's, which were +situated across the river. The unfortunate 58th, forced back from the +river-side, had heroically fought their way up the side of the hill, +only to encounter our barrage, which, owing to the mist, we thought was +well above and ahead of where they would be. + +Under this fresh blow the 58th had retired to their trenches at the +bottom of the small valley. As the day warmed up the mist disappeared, +and, like a theatre curtain, the lifting of this veil revealed the +whole scene in its terrible and yet mechanical splendour. + +I say mechanical, for it all seemed unreal to me. I knew I should not +see cavalry charges, guns in the open, and all the old-world panoply of +war, but I was not prepared for this barren and shell-torn circle of +hills, continually being freshly, and, to an uninformed observer, +aimlessly lashed by shell fire. + +Not a man in sight, though below us the ground was thickly strewn with +corpses. Overhead a few aeroplanes circled round amidst balls of white +shell bursts. + +During the day the slow-circling aeroplanes (which were artillery +observing machines) were galvanized into frightful activity by the +sudden appearance of a fighting machine on one side or the other; this +happened several times; it reminded me of a pike amongst young trout. + +After lunch I saw a Spad shot down in flames, it was like Lucifer +falling down from high heavens. The whole scene was enframed by a +sluggish line of observation balloons. + +Sometimes groups of these would hastily sink to earth, to rise again +when the menace of the aeroplane had passed. These balloons seemed more +like phlegmatic spectators at some athletic contest than actual +participants in the events. + +I wish my pen could convey to paper the varied impressions created +within my mind in the course of the past day; but it cannot. I have the +consolation that, though I think that I have considerable ability as a +writer, yet abler pens than mine have abandoned in despair the task of +describing a modern battle. + +I can but reiterate that the dominant impression that remains is of the +mechanical nature of this business of modern war, and yet such an +impression is a false one, for as in the past so to-day, and so in the +future, it is the human element which is, has been, and will be the +foundation of all things. + +Once only in the course of the day did I see men in any numbers, and +that was when at 3 p.m. the French were detected massing for a +counter-attack on the south side of the river. It was doomed to be +still-born. As they left their trenches, distant pigmy figures in +horizon blue, apparently plodding slowly across the ground, they were +lashed by an intensive barrage and the little figures were obliterated +in a series of spouting shell bursts. + +Five minutes later the barrage ceased, the smoke drifted away and not a +man was to be seen. Grabel told me that it had probably cost them 750 +casualties. What an amazing and efficient destruction of living +organism! + + * * * * * + +Another most interesting day, though of a different nature. + +To-day was spent witnessing the arrangements for dealing with the +wounded. I spent the morning at an advanced dressing station on the +south bank of the river. It was in a cellar, beneath the ruins of a +house, about 400 yards from the front line and under heavy shell-fire, +as close at hand was the remains of what had been a wood, which was +being used as a concentration point for reserves. + +The cover afforded by this so-called wood was extremely slight, and the +troops were concentrating for the innumerable attacks and +counter-attacks which were taking place under shell fire. This caused +the surgeon in charge of the cellar to describe the wood as our main +supply station! + +I entered the cellar at 8 a.m., taking advantage of a partial lull in +the shelling, but a machine-gun bullet viciously flipped into a wooden +beam at the entrance as I ducked to go in. I was not sorry to get +underground. A sloping path brought me into the cellar, on one side of +which sappers were digging away the earth to increase the +accommodation. + +The illumination consisted of candles set in bottles and some electric +hand lamps. The centre of the cellar was occupied by two portable +operating tables, rarely untenanted during the three hours I spent in +this hell. + +The atmosphere--for there was no ventilation--stank of sweat, blood, +and chloroform. + +By a powerful effort I countered my natural tendency to vomit, and +looked around me. The sides of the cellar were lined with figures on +stretchers. Some lay still and silent, others writhed and groaned. At +intervals, one of the attendants would call the doctor's attention to +one of the still forms. A hasty examination ensued, and the stretcher +and its contents were removed. A few minutes later the +stretcher--empty--returned. The surgeon explained to me that there was +no room for corpses in the cellar; business, he genially remarked, was +too brisk at the present crucial stage of the great battle. + +The first feelings of revulsion having been mastered, I determined to +make the most of my opportunities, as I have always felt that the naval +officer is at a great disadvantage in war as compared with his +military brother, in that he but rarely has a chance of accustoming +himself to the unpleasant spectacle of torn flesh and bones. + +This morning there was no lack of material, and many of the intestinal +wounds were peculiarly revolting, so that at lunch-time, when another +convenient lull in the torrent of shell fire enabled me to leave the +cellar, I felt thoroughly hardened; in fact I had assisted in a humble +degree at one or two operations. + +I had lunch at the 11th Army Medical Headquarters Mess, and it was a +sumptuous meal to which I did full justice. + +After lunch, whilst waiting to be motored to a field hospital, I +happened to see a battalion of Silesian troops about to go up to the +front line. + +It was rather curious feeling that one was looking at men, each in +himself a unit of civilization, and yet many of whom were about to die +in the interests thereof. + +Their faces were an interesting study. + +Some looked careless and debonair, and seemed to swing past with a +touch of recklessness in their stride, others were grave and serious, +and seemed almost to plod forward to the dictates of an inevitable +fatalism. + +The field hospital, where we met some very charming nurses, on one of +whom I think I created a distinct impression, was not particularly +interesting. It was clean, well-organized and radiated the efficiency +inseparable from the German Army. + + * * * * * + +Back at Wilhelmshaven--curse it! + +Yesterday morning, when about to start on a tour of the ammunition +supply arrangements, I received an urgent wire recalling me at once! + +There was nothing for it but to obey. + +I was lucky enough to get a passage as far as Mons in an albatross +scout which was taking dispatches to that place. + +From there I managed to bluff a motor car out of the town commandant--a +most obliging fellow. This took me to Aachen where I got an express. + +The reason for my recall was that Witneisser went sick and Arnheim +being away, this has left only two in the operations ciphering +department. + +My arrival has made us three. It is pretty strenuous work and, being of +a clerical nature, suits me little. The only consolation is that many +of the messages are most interesting. I was looking through the back +files the other day and amongst other interesting information I came +across the wireless report from the boat that had sunk the _Lusitania_. + +It has always been a mystery to me why we sank her, as I do not believe +those things pay. + + * * * * * + +Arnheim has come back, so I have got out of the ciphering department, +to my great delight. + +I have received official information that my application for U-boats +has been received. Meanwhile all there is to do is to sit at +this ---- hole and wait. + + + + +_2nd June_, 1916. + + +I have fought in the greatest sea battle of the ages; it has been a +wonderful and terrible experience. + +All the details of the battle will be history, but I feel that I must +place on record my personal experiences. + +We have not escaped without marks, and the good old _König_ brought 67 +dead and 125 wounded into port as the price of the victory off +Skajerack, but of the English there are thousands who slept their last +sleep in the wrecked hulls of the battle cruisers which will rust for +eternal ages upon the Jutland banks. + +Sad as our losses are--and the gallant _Lutzow_ has sunk in sight of +home--I am filled with pride. + +We have met that great armada the British Fleet, we have struck them +with a hammer blow and we have returned. I was asleep in my cabin when +the news came that Hipper was coming south with the British battle +cruisers on his beam. In five minutes we were at our action stations. +We made contact with Hipper at 5.30 p.m., [1] and Beatty turned north +with his cruisers and fast battleships and we pursued. + +[Footnote 1: This is 4.30 G.M.T.--Etienne] + +Two of the great ships had been sunk by our battle cruisers, and we had +hopes of destroying the remainder, when at 6.55 the mist on the +northern horizon was pierced by the formidable line of the British +Battle Fleet. + +Jellicoe had arrived! + +Three battle cruisers became involved between the lines, and in an +instant one was blown up, and another crawled west in a sinking +condition. Sudden and terrible are events in a modern sea-battle. + +Confronted with the concentrated force of Britain's Battle Fleet we +turned to east, and for twenty minutes our High Seas Fleet sustained +the unequal contest. + +It was during this period that we were hit seventeen times by heavy +shell, though, in my position in the after torpedo control tower, I +only realized one hit had taken place, which was when a shell plunged +into the after turret and, blowing the roof off, killed every member of +the turret's crew. + +From my position, when the smoke and dust had blown away, I looked down +into a mass of twisted machinery, amongst which I seemed to detect the +charred remains of bodies. + +At about 7.40 we turned, under cover of our smoke screen, and steered +south-west. + +Our position was not satisfactory, as the last information of the enemy +reported them as turning to the southward; consequently they were +between us and Heligoland. + +At 11 p.m. we received a signal for divisions of battle fleets to steer +independently for the Horn Reef swept channel. + +Ten minutes later we underwent the first of five destroyer attacks. + +The British destroyers, searching wide in the night, had located us, +and with desperate gallantry pressed home the attack again and again. +So close did they come that about 1.30 a.m. we rammed one, passing +through her like a knife through a cheese. + +It was a wonderful spectacle to see those sinister craft, rushing madly +to their destruction down the bright beam of our powerful searchlights. +It was an avenue of death for them, but to the credit of their Service +it must stand that throughout the long nightmare they did not hesitate. + +The surrounding darkness seemed to vomit forth flotilla after flotilla +of these cavalry of the sea. + +And they struck us once, a torpedo right forward, which will keep us in +dock for a month, but did no vital injury. + +When morning dawned, misty and soft, as is its way in June in the +Bight, we were to the eastward of the British, and so we came +honourably home to Wilhelmshaven, feeling that the young Navy had laid +worthy foundations for its tradition to grow upon. + +We are to report at Kiel, and shall be six weeks upon the job. + + + + +_Frankfurt_. + + +Back on seventeen days' leave, and everyone here very anxious to hear +details of the battle of Skajerack. + +It is very pleasant to have something to talk to the women about. +Usually the gallant field greys hold the drawing-room floor, with their +startling tales from the Western Front, of how they nearly took Verdun, +and would have if the British hadn't insisted on being slaughtered on +the Somme. + +It is quite impossible in many ways to tell that there is a war on as +far as social life in this place is concerned. + +There is a shortage of good coffee and that is about all. + + * * * * * + +Arrived back on board last night. + +They have made a fine job of us, and we go through the canal to the +Schillig Roads early next week. + +We are to do three weeks' gunnery practices from there, to train the +new drafts. + + + +1916 (_about August_). + +At last! Thank Heavens, my application has been granted. Schmitt (the +Secretary) told me this morning that a letter has come from the +Admiralty to say that I am to present myself for medical examination at +the board at Wilhelmshaven to-morrow. + +What joy! to strike a blow at last, finished for ever the cursed +monotony of inactivity of this High Seas Fleet life. But the U-boat +war! Ah! that goes well. We shall bring those stubborn, blood-sucking +islanders to their knees by striking at them through their bellies. + +When I think of London and no food, and Glasgow and no food, then who +can say what will happen? Revolt! rebellion in England, and our brave +field greys on the west will smash them to atoms in the spring of 1917, +and I, Karl Schenk, will have helped directly in this! Great +thought--but calm! I am not there yet, there is still this confounded +medical board. I almost wish I had not drunk so much last night, not +that it makes any difference, but still one must run no risks, for I +hear that the medical is terribly strict for the U-boat service. Only +the cream is skimmed! Well, to-morrow we shall see. + + * * * * * + +Passed! and with flying colours; it seemed absurdly easy and only took +ten minutes, but then my physique is magnificent, thanks to the +physical training I have always done. I am now due to get three weeks' +leave, and then to Zeebrugge. + +I have wired to the little mother at Frankfurt. + + * * * * * + +_At Zeebrugge, or rather Bruges._ + + +I spent three weeks at home, all the family are pleased except mother; +she has a woman's dread of danger; it is a pleasing characteristic in +peace time, but a cloy on pleasure in days of war. To her, with the +narrowness of a female's intellect, I really believe I am of more +importance than the Fatherland--how absurd. Whilst at Frankfurt I saw a +good deal of Rosa; she seems better looking each time I meet her; +doubtless she is still developing to full womanhood. Moritz was home +from Flanders. He had ten days' leave from Ypres, and, though I have a +dislike for him, he certainly was interesting, though why the English +cling to those wretched ruins is more than I can understand. + +I felt instinctively that in a sense Moritz and I were rivals where +Rosa was concerned, though I have never considered her in that +light--as yet. One day, perhaps? These women are much the same +everywhere, and I could see that having entered the U-boat service made +a difference with Rosa, though her logic should have told her that I +was no different. But is that right? After all, it is something to have +joined this service; the Guards themselves have no better cachet, and +it is certainly cheaper. + +Here we live in billets and in a commandeered hotel. The life ashore is +pleasant enough; the damned Belgians are sometimes sulky, but they know +who is master. Bissing (a splendid chap) sees to that. + +As a matter of fact we have benefited them by our occupation, the shops +do a roaring trade at preposterous prices, and shamefully enough the +German shopkeepers are most guilty. These pot-bellied merchants don't +seem to realize that they exist owing to our exertions. + +I was much struck with the beautiful orderliness of the small gardens +which we have laid out since 1914, and, in fact, wherever one looks +there is evidence of the genius of the German race for thorough +organization. Yet these Belgians don't seem to appreciate it. I can't +understand it. + +I find here that social life is very much gayer than at that mad town +of Wilhelmshaven. At the High Seas Fleet bases there was the strictness +and austerity that some people seem to consider necessary to show that +we are at war, though Heaven knows there was precious little war in the +High Seas Fleet; perhaps that was why the "blood and iron" régime was +in full order ashore. Here, in Bruges, at any rate as far as the +submarine officers are concerned, the matter is far different. When the +boats are in, one seems to do as one likes, with a perfunctory visit to +the ship in the course of the day. + +Witnitz (the Commodore) favours complete relaxation when in from a +trip. In the evenings there are parties, for which there are always +ladies, and I find it is necessary to have a "smoking."[1] I went to +the best tailor to buy one, and found that I must have one made at the +damnable price of 140 marks; the fitter, an oily Jew, had the +incredible impertinence to assure me it would be cut on London lines! + +[Footnote 1: A dinner jacket.] + +I nearly felled him to the ground; can one never get away from England +and things English? I'll see his account waits a bit before I settle +it. + +There are several fellows I know here. Karl Müller, who was 3rd +watchkeeper in the _Yorck_, and Adolf Hilfsbaumer, who was captain of +G.176, are the two I know best. They are both doing a few trips as +second in commands of the later U.C. boats, which are mine-laying off +the English coasts. This is a most dangerous operation, and nearly all +the U.C. boats are commanded by reserve officers, of whom there are a +good many in the Mess. + +Excellent fellows, no doubt, but somewhat uncouth and lacking the finer +points of breeding; as far as I can see in the short time I have been +here they keep themselves to themselves a good deal. I certainly don't +wish to mix with them. Unfortunately, it appears that I am almost bound +to be appointed as second in command of one of the U.C. boats, for at +least one trip before I go to the periscope school and train for a +command of my own. The idea of being bottled up in an elongated cigar +and under the command of one of those nautical plough-boys is +repellent. However, the Von Schenks have never been too proud to obey +in order to learn how to command. + + * * * * * + +I have been appointed second in command to U.C.47. Her captain is one +Max Alten by name. Beyond the fact that I saw him drunk one night in +the Mess I know nothing of him. + +I reported to him and he seems rather in awe of me. His fears are +groundless. + +I shall make it as easy as possible for him, for it must be as awkward +for him as it is unpleasant for me. + +To celebrate my proper entry into the U-boat service, I gave a dinner +party last night in a private room at "Le Coq d'Or." I asked Karl and +Adolf, and told them to bring three girls. My opposite number was a +lovely girl called Zoe something or other. I wore my "smoking" for the +first time; it is certainly a becoming costume. + +We drank a good deal of champagne and had a very pleasant little +debauch; the girls got very merry, and I kissed Zoe once. She was not +very angry. I think she is thoroughly charming, and I have accepted an +invitation to take tea at her flat. She is either the wife or the chère +amie of a colonel in the Brandenburgers, I could not make out which. +Luckily the gallant "Cockchafer" is at the moment on the La Bassée +sector, where I was interested to observe that heavy fighting has +broken out to-day. I must console the fair Zoe! + +Both Karl and Adolf got rather drunk, Adolf hopelessly so, but I, as +usual, was hardly affected. I have a head of iron, provided the liquor +is good, and _I_ saw to that point. + + * * * * * + +We were sailing, or rather going down the canal to Zeebrugge on Friday, +but the starting resistance of the port main motor burnt out and we +were delayed till Sunday, as they will fit a new one. + +I must confess the organization for repair work here is admirable, as +very little is done by the crews in the U-boats, all work being carried +out by the permanent staff, who are quartered at Bruges docks. Taking +advantage of the delay I called on Zoe Stein, as I find she is named. + +It appears she is _not_ married to Colonel Stein. She told me he was +fat and ugly, and laughed a good deal about him. She showed me his +photograph, and certainly he is no beauty. However, he must be a man of +means, as he has given her a charming flat, beautifully decorated with +water-colours which the Colonel salved from the French château in the +early days--these army fellows had all the chances. + +I bade an affectionate farewell to Zoe, and I trust Stein will be still +busily engaged at La Bassée when I return in a fortnight's time! I am +greatly obliged to Karl for the introduction, and told him so; he +himself is running after a little grass widow whose husband has been +missing for some months. I think Karl finds it an expensive game; +luckily Zoe seems well supplied with money--the essential ingredient in +a joyous life. + +On Friday night we had an air-raid--a frequent event here, but my first +experience in this line. Unpleasant, but a fine spectacle, considerable +damage done near the docks and an unexploded bomb fell in a street near +our headquarters. + +Two machines (British) brought down in flames. I saw the green balls +[1] for the first time. A most fascinating sight to see them floating +up in waving chains into the vault of heaven; they reminded me of +making daisy chains as a child. + +[Footnote 1: Known as "Flying-onions."] + + + + +_At Zeebrugge_. + + +We are alongside the mole in one of the new submarine shelters that has +been built. + +The boat is under a concrete roof over three feet thick, which would +defy the heaviest bomb. + +We have much improved the port since our arrival. The port, so-called, +is purely artificial, and actually consists of a long mole with a +gentle curve in it, which reaches out to seaward and protects the mouth +of the canal. The tides are very strong up and down the coast, and +constant dredging is carried out to keep 20 feet of water over the sill +at the lock gates. + +On arrival last night we went straight into No. 11 shelter, as an +air-raid was expected, but nothing happened, so I went up to the +"Flandre," which seems to be the best hotel here, full of submarine +people, and I heard many interesting stories. There seems no doubt this +U-boat war is dangerous work; I find the U.C. boats are beginning to be +called the Suicide Club, after the famous English story of that name, +which, curiously enough, I saw on the kinematograph at Frankfurt last +leave. We Germans are extraordinarily broad-minded; I doubt if the +works of German authors are seen on the screens in England or France. + +The news from the West is good, the English are hurling themselves to +destruction against our steel front. We are now to load up with mines. +I must stop writing to superintend this work. + + + + +_At sea. Near the South Dogger Light._ + + +We loaded up the ten mines we carry in an hour and five minutes. They +were lifted from a railway truck by a big crane and delicately lowered +into the mine tubes, of which we have five in the bows. + +The tubes extend from the upper deck of the ship to her keel, and slope +aft to facilitate release. Having completed with fuel at Bruges, we +took in a store of provisions and Alten went up to the Commodore's +office to get our sailing orders. + +We sailed at 6 p.m. and at last I felt I was off. To-day, the 22nd, we +are just north of the South Dogger, steering north-westerly at 9-1/2 +knots. + +The sea is quite calm and everything is very pleasant. Our mission is +to lay a small minefield off Newcastle in the East Coast war channel. I +have, of course, never been to sea for any length of time in a U-boat, +and it is all very novel. + +I find the roar of the Diesel engine very relentless, and last night +slept badly in a wretched bunk, which was a poor substitute for my +lovely quarters in the barracks at Wilhelmshaven. One thing I +appreciate, and that is the food; it is really excellent: fresh milk, +fresh butter, white bread and many other luxuries. + +I have spent most of the day picking up things about the boat. Her +general arrangement is as follows: + +Starting in the bows, mine tubes occupy the centre of the boat, leaving +two narrow passages, one each side. In the port passage is the wireless +cabinet and signal flag lockers, with store rooms underneath. In the +starboard passage are one or two small pumps and the kitchen. + +The next compartment contains four bunks, two each side, these are +occupied by Alten, myself, the engineer, and the Navigating Warrant +Officer. Proceeding further aft one enters the control room, in which +one periscope is situated, and the necessary valves and pumps for +diving the boat. + +The next compartment is the crew space; ten of the company exist here. + +Overhead on each side is the gear for releasing the torpedoes from the +external torpedo tubes, of which we carry one each side. I think we +borrowed this idea from the Russians. + +Then comes the engine-room, an inferno of rattling noises, but +excellent engines, I believe. At the after end of the engine-room are +the two main switchboards, of whose manner of working I am at present +in some ignorance. + +The two main sets of electric motors are underneath the boards, in the +stern, where we have a third torpedo tube. + + * * * * * + +I had hardly written the above words when a message came that the +captain would like me to come to the bridge. + +I went up in a leisurely fashion, through the conning tower, which is +over the control room, and reported myself. He indicated a low-lying +patch of smoke on the horizon far away on the starboard bow. I was +obliged to confess that it conveyed nothing to me, when he aroused my +intense interest by stating that it was, without doubt, being emitted +from a British submarine, who are known to frequent these waters. He +was proceeding away from us, and was, even then, six or seven miles +away, so an attack was out of the question. The engineer, who had +joined us, drew my attention to the thin wisp of almost invisible +blue-grey smoke from our own stern. The contrast was certainly +striking! + +Over dinner I gave it as my opinion that the British boats were pretty +useless. Alten would not agree, and stated that, though in certain +technical aspects they were in a position of inferiority, yet in +personnel and skill in attacking they were fully our equals. He seemed +to hold them in considerable respect, and he remarked that, when making +a passage, he was more anxious on their account than in any other way. +He informed me that, on the last passage he made, he was attacked by a +British boat which he never saw, the only indication he received being +a torpedo which jumped out of the water almost over his tail. Luckily +it was very rough at the time, which made the torpedo run erratically, +otherwise they would undoubtedly have been hit. + +What appeared to astonish him was the fact that the British boat had +been able to make an attack in such weather. We are now charging on one +engine, 500 amperes on each half-battery. + + * * * * * + +We are due back at Zeebrugge at 10 p.m. to-night. We should have been +in at dawn to-day, but we received a wireless from the senior officer, +Zeebrugge, to say that mine-laying was suspected, and we were to wait +till the "Q.R." channel, from the Blankenberg buoy, had been swept. We +lay in the bottom for eight hours, a few miles from the western end of +the channel. + +Our trip was quite successful, but not without certain excitements. + +On the night of the 23rd we passed fairly close to a fishing fleet on +the Dogger Bank, and saw the lights of several steamers in the +distance. As our first business was to lay our mines in the appointed +place, we did not worry them. + +We burnt usual navigation lights, or rather side lights which appear to +be usual, except that, by a little fitting which Alten has made +himself, the arcs of bearing on which the lights show can be changed at +will. His idea is that, should we appear to be approaching a steamer +which he wishes to avoid, in many cases, by shining a little more or +less red and green light, we can make her think that we are a steamer +on such a course that it is her duty by the rules of the road to keep +clear of us. + +He tells me it has worked on several occasions, and he has also found +it useful to have two small auxiliary side lights fitted which are the +wrong colours for the sides they are on. It is, of course, only neutral +shipping which carry lights nowadays, though Alten says that many +British ships are still incredibly careless in the matter of lights. + +However, to resume my account of what happened. We reached our position +at dawn or slightly after, the weather was beautifully calm and the sea +like glass. As we were only three miles from the English coast, and +close to the mouth of the Tyne, we were extraordinarily lucky to have +nothing in sight, if one excepts a long smudge of smoke which trailed +across the horizon to the southward. + +The land itself was obscured by early morning banks of mist, yet +everything was so still that we actually faintly heard the whistle of a +train. I could hardly restrain from suggesting to Alten that we should +elevate the 10-cm. gun to fifteen degrees and fire a few rounds on to +"proud Albion's virgin shores," but I did not do so as I felt fairly +certain that he would not approve, and I do not wish to lay myself open +to rebuffs from him after his behaviour concerning the smoking +incident. I boil with rage at the thought, but again I digress. + +The fact that the land was obscured was favourable from the point of +view that we were not worried by coast watchers, but unfavourable from +the standpoint that we were unable to take bearings of anything and so +ascertain our exact position. + +The importance of this point in submarine mine-laying is obvious, for, +owing to our small cargo of eggs, it is quite possible that we may be +sent here again, to lay an adjacent field, in which case it is highly +desirable to know the exact position of one's previous effort. + +[Illustration: "Steering north-westerly...; to lay a small minefield +off Newcastle."] + +[Illustration: "He had suddenly seen the bow waves of a destroyer +approaching at full speed to ram."] + +We were somewhat assisted in our efforts to locate ourselves by the +fact that a seven-fathom patch existed exactly where we had to lay. We +picked up the edge of this bank with our sounding machine, and steering +north half a mile, laid our mines in latitude--No! on second thoughts I +will omit the precise position, for, though I shall take every +precaution, there is no saying that through some misfortune this +Journal might not get into the wrong hands. + +I am very glad I decided to keep these notes, as I shall take much +pleasure in reading them when Victory crowns our efforts and the joys +of a peaceful life return. + +I found it a delightful sensation being so close to the enemy coast, in +his territorial waters, in fact. For the first time since the Skajerack +battle I experienced the personal joys of war, the sensation of +intimate and successful contact with the enemy, and the most hated +enemy at that. + +We had hardly finished laying our eggs when a droning noise was heard. +With marvellous celerity we dived, that damned fellow Alten, who, under +these circumstances leaves the bridge last, treading on my fingers as +he followed me down the conning tower ladder. + +The engineer endeavoured to sympathize with me, and made some idiotic +remark about my being quicker when I had had more practice. I bit his +head off. I can't stand this hail-fellow-well-met attitude in these +U.C. boats, from any lout dressed in an officer's uniform. They +wouldn't be holding commissions if it wasn't for the war, and they +should remember that fact. I suppose they think I'm stand-offish. Well, +if they had my family tree behind them they would understand. + +We dived to sixty feet, and then came up to twenty. Alten looked +through the periscope, and then invited me to look. Curiosity impelled +me to accept this favour and, putting the focussing lever to +"skyscrape" I swept round the sky. + +At last I saw him; he was a small gas-bag of diminutive size, beneath +which was suspended a little car, the most ridiculous little travesty +of an airship I have ever seen. He was nosing along at about 800 feet +and making about 40 knots. + +Suddenly he must have seen the wake of our periscope, for he turned +towards us. Simultaneously Alten, from the conning tower (I was using +the other periscope in the control room), ordered the boat to sixty +feet, and put the helm hard over. + +We had turned sixteen points, [1] and in about two minutes heard a +series of reports right astern of us. It was evident that our ruse had +succeeded and that he had overshot the mark. + +[Footnote 1: 180°] + +Inside the boat one felt a slight jar as each bomb went off. + +We gradually came round to our proper course, and cruised all day +submerged at dead slow speed. Every time we lifted our periscope he was +still hanging about sufficiently close to make it foolish for us to +come to the surface. + +Towards noon a group of trawlers, doubtless summoned by wireless, +appeared, and proceeded to wander about. These seemed to concern Alten +far more than the airship, and he informed me that from their, to me, +aimless movements he deduced they were hunting for us by hydroplanes. +Occasionally we lay on the bottom in nineteen fathoms. + +By 4 p.m. the atmosphere was becoming rather unpleasant and hot, and +gradually we took off more clothes. Curiously enough, I longed for a +smoke, but wild horses would not have made me ask Alten for permission. + +At 8 p.m. it was sufficiently dark to enable us to rise, which gave me +great pleasure, though the first rush of fresh air down the hatch made +me vomit after hours of breathing the vitiated muck. On coming to the +surface we saw nothing in sight, but a breeze had sprung up which +caused spray to break over the bridge as we chugged along at 9 knots. + +Everyone was in high spirits, as always on the return journey, when the +mind turns to the Fatherland and all it holds. + +My mind turns to Zoe. I confess it to myself frankly. I hardly realized +to what extent this woman had begun to influence me until we received +the wireless signal ordering us to delay entering for twelve hours. The +receipt of this news, trivial though the delay has been, threw a mantle +of gloom over the crew. I participated in the depression and, upon +thought, rather wondered that this should be so. Self-analysis on the +lines laid down by Schessmanweil [1] revealed to me that the basis of +my annoyance is the fact that my next meeting with Zoe is deferred! I +feel instinctively that I shall have trouble here, and that I had +better haul off a lee shore whilst there is manoeuvring room, and +yet--and yet I secretly rejoice that every revolution of the propeller, +every clank and rattle of the Diesels brings us closer together. + +[Footnote 1: Apparently some German author, of obscure origin, as I +cannot find him in any book of reference.--ETIENNE.] + +Alten has just come down from the bridge, and we chatted for some +moments; it is evident that he wishes to apologize for his rudeness +over the smoking incident. + +I was in error, I admit it frankly; at the same time I did not know +that the battery was on charge, and to dash a match from my hand! I +could have shot him where he stood. However, I am not vindictive, and +as far as I am concerned the incident is ended. + +One thing I find trying in this small boat, and that is that I can +find no space in which to do half my Müller exercises, the +leg-and-arm-swinging ones. I must see whether I can't invent a set of +U-boat exercises! + +Good! in two hours we reach the Mole-end light buoy. + + * * * * * + +_Submarine Mess, Bruges._ + + +It is midnight, and as I write in my room at the top of the house the +low rumble of the guns from the south-west vibrates faintly through the +open window, for it is extraordinarily warm for the time of year, and I +have flung back the curtains and risked the light shining. + +We spent the night at Zeebrugge and came up to the docks here next day. +We shall probably be in for a week, and I am on four days' "extended +absence from the boat," which practically means that I can go where I +like in the neighbourhood provided I am handy to a telephone. + +After a short inward struggle I rang Zoe up on the telephone; +fortunately I did not call first. + +A man's voice answered, and for a moment I was dumbfounded. I guessed +at once it was the Colonel, and I had counted so confidently on his +being still away at the front. + +For an instant I felt speechless, an impulse came to me to ring off +without further ado, but I restrained myself, and then a fine idea came +into my head. + +"Who is that?" I said. + +"Colonel Stein!" replied the voice, and my fears were confirmed, but my +plan of campaign held good. + +"I am speaking," I continued, "on behalf of Lieutenant Von +Schenk----" + +"Ah, yes!" growled the voice, and for an instant a panic seized me, but +I resumed: + +"He met Madame Stein at dinner some days ago, and she kindly asked him +to call; he has asked me to ring up and inquire when it would be +convenient, as he would like to meet you, sir, as well. He has been +unable to ring up himself, as he was sent away from Bruges on duty +early this morning." + +I smiled to myself at this little lie and listened. + +"Your friend had better call to-morrow then, for I leave to-morrow +evening for the Somme front; will you tell him?" + +I replied that I would, and left the telephone well satisfied, but +cursing the fates that made it advisable to keep clear of No. 10, +Kafelle Strasse for thirty-six hours. Needless to say next day I rang +up again in order to tell the Colonel that Lieutenant Schenk had +apparently been detained, as he was not yet back in Bruges, and how I +felt sure that he would be sorry at missing the Colonel, etc., etc., +but all this camouflage was unnecessary, as she herself came to the +'phone. I could have kissed the instrument when I told her of my +stratagem and heard her silvery laughter in my ear. + +"It is arranged that to-morrow, starting at 10.30, we motor for the day +to the Forest of Meten, taking our lunch and tea with us--pray Heaven +the weather holds." + +To-night in the Mess it is generally considered that U.B.40 has been +lost; she is ten days overdue and was operating off Havre, she has made +no signal for a fortnight. Such is the price of victory and the cost of +war--death, perhaps, in some terrible form, but bah! away with such +thoughts, to-morrow there is love and life and Zoe! + + * * * * * + +Once more it is night, still the guns rumble on the same old dismal +tones, and as it is raining now it must be getting bad up at the front. +Except for the rain it might have been last night, but much has +happened to me in the meanwhile. + +To-day in the forest by Ruysslede I found that I loved Zoe, loved her +as I have never yet loved woman, loved her with my soul and all that is +me. + +The day was gloriously fine when we started, and an hour's run took us +to the forest. We left the car at an inn and wandered down one of the +glades. + +I carried the basket and we strolled on and on until we found a +suitable place deep in the heart of the forest. + +I have the sailor's love for woods, for their depths, their shadows, +their mysteries, which are so vivid a contrast to the monotony of the +sea, with the everlasting circle of the horizon and the half-bowl of +the heavens above. + +In the forest to-day, though the leaves had turned to gold and red and +brown, the beeches were still well covered, and overhead we were tented +with a russet canopy. + +I say, at last we found a spot, or rather Zoe, who, with girlish +pleasure in the adventure, had run ahead, called to me, and as I write +I seem to hear the echoes of "Karl! Karl!" which rang through the wood. +When I came up to her she proudly pointed to the place she had found. + +It was ideal. An outcrop of rock formed a miniature Matterhorn in the +forest, and beneath its shelter with the old trees as silent witnesses +we sat and joked and laughed, and made twenty attempts to light a fire. + +After lunch, a little incident happened which had an enormous effect on +me; Zoe asked me whether I would mind if she smoked. + +How many women in these days would think of doing that? And yet, had +she but known it, I am still sufficiently old-fashioned to appreciate +the implied respect for any possible prejudices which was contained in +her request. + +After lunch, I asked her a question to which I dreaded the answer. + +I asked her whether, now that the old Colonel had gone to the Somme, +whether that meant that she would be leaving Bruges. + +She laughed and teasingly said: "Quien sabe, señor," but seeing my real +anxiety on this point, she assured me that she was not leaving for the +present. The Colonel, she said, had a strange belief that once a man +had served on the Flanders Front, and especially on the Ypres salient, +he always came back to die there. + +It appears that the Colonel has done fourteen months' service on the +salient alone, and is firmly convinced he will end his career on that +great burial ground. As we were talking about the Colonel I longed to +ask her how she had met him, and perhaps find out why she lives with +him, for I cannot believe she loves him, but I did not dare. + +Strangely enough I found that a curious shyness had taken hold of me +with regard to Zoe. + +I said to myself, "Fool! you are alone with her, you long to kiss her; +you have kissed her, first at the dinner-party, secondly when you said +good-bye at her flat," and yet to-day it was different. + +Then I was kissing a pretty woman, I was on the eve of a dangerous +life, and I was simply extracting the animal pleasures whilst I lived. + +To-day it was a case of Zoe, the personality I loved; I still longed to +kiss her, but I wanted to have the unquestioned right to kiss her, as +much as I wanted the kisses. + +I wanted to have her for my own, away from the contaminating ownership +of the old Colonel, and I determined to get her. + +I think she noticed the changed attitude on my part, and perhaps she +felt herself that a subtle change in our relationship had taken place, +and whilst I meditated on these things she fell into a doze at my side. + +I was sitting slightly above her, smoking to keep the midges away, and +as I looked down on her childish figure a great tenderness for her +filled my mind. She is very beautiful and to me desirable above all +women; I can see her as she lay there trustfully at my feet. I will +describe her, and then, when I get her photograph, I will read this +when I am far away on a trip. + +She is of average height, for I am just over six feet and she reaches +to just above my shoulder. Her hair is gloriously thick and of a deep +black colour, and lies low on her forehead. Her complexion is of the +purest whiteness beyond compare, which but accentuates the red warmth +of the lips which encircle her little mouth. Her figure is slight and +her ankles are my delight, but her crowning glories, which I have +purposely left till last, are her eyes. + +I feel I could lose my soul; I have lost it, if I have one, in the +violet depths of those eyes, which were veiled as she slept by the long +black eyelashes which curled up delicately as they rested on her +cheeks. I have re-read this description, and it is oh, so unsatisfying; +would I had the pen of a Goethe or a Shakespeare, yet for want of more +skill the description shall stand. + +How I long for her to be mine, and yet, unfortunate that I am, I cannot +for certain declare that she loves me. + +A thousand doubts arise. I torment myself with recollections of her +behaviour at the dinner-party, when within two hours of our first +meeting she gave me her lips. + +Yet did I not first roughly kiss her as we danced? + +I find consolation in the fact that, though she has said nothing, yet +her conduct to-day was different. She was so quiet after tea as we +wandered back through the forests with the setting sun striking golden +beams aslant the tree trunks. + +Before we left I sang to her Tchaikowsky's beautiful song, "To the +Forest," and I think she was pleased, for I may say with justice that +my voice is of high quality for an amateur, and the song goes well +without an accompaniment, whilst the atmosphere and surroundings were +ideal. + +There was only one jarring note in a perfect day; when we returned to +the car the chauffeur permitted himself a sardonic grin. Zoe +unfortunately saw it and blushed scarlet. + +I could have struck him on his impudent mouth, but for her sake I +judged it advisable to notice nothing. + +I feel I could go on writing about her all night, but it is nearly 2 +a.m. I must get some sleep. + +The guns rumble steadily in the south-west, and the sky is lit by their +flashes; may the fighting on the Somme be bloody these coming days. + + + + +[_Probably about ten days later.--Etienne._] + + +We leave to-night, having had a longer spell than usual. I am in a +distracted state of mind. Since our glorious day in the forest I have +seen her nearly every afternoon, though twice that swine Alten has kept +me in the boat in connection with some replacements of the battery. + +I have found out that, like me, she is intensely musical. She plays +beautifully on the piano, and we had long hours together playing Chopin +and Beethoven; we also played some of Moussorgsky's duets, but I love +her best when she plays Chopin, the composer pre-eminent of love and +passion. + +She has masses of music, as the Colonel gives her what she likes. We +also played a lot of Debussy. At first I demurred at playing a living +French composer's works, but she pouted and looked so adorable that all +my scruples vanished in an instant, so we closed all the doors and she +played it for hours very softly whilst I forgot the war and all its +horrors and remembered only that I was with the well-beloved girl. + +The Colonel writes from Thiepval, where the British are pouring out +their blood like water. He writes very interesting letters, and has had +many narrow escapes, but unfortunately he seems to bear a charmed life. +His letters are full of details, and I wonder he gets them past the +Field Censorship, but I suppose he censors his own. + +She laughs at them and calls them her Colonel's dispatches; she says he +is so accustomed to writing official reports that the poor old man +can't write an ordinary letter. + +I told her that I thought the way he mentioned regiments and +dispositions rather indiscreet, and she agrees, but she says he has +asked her to keep them, with a view to forming a collection of letters +written from the front whilst the incidents he describes are vivid in +his mind. I suppose the old ass knows his own business, and one day the +collection may be completed by a telegram "Regretting to announce, etc. +etc." The sooner the better. + +So the days passed pleasantly enough, and never by a gesture or word of +mouth did she show that I was more to her than any other pleasant young +man. + +I kissed her when I arrived, I kissed her when I left, each day was the +same. She would put her arms round my neck and look long and deeply +into my eyes, then she would gently kiss my lips. Not an atom of +emotion! not a spark from the fires which I feel must be raging beneath +that diabolically [1] extraordinary [1] amazingly calm exterior. + +[Footnote 1: These words are crossed out.--ETIENNE.] + +On ordinary subjects she would chatter vivaciously enough and she can +talk in a fascinating manner on every subject I care to bring up, but +as soon as I drew the conversation round to a personal line she +gradually became more silent and a far-away and distant look came into +those wonderful eyes. + +I have found out nothing about her beyond the fact that she has +travelled all over Europe. I don't even know how old she is, but I +should guess twenty-six. + +I tried to find out a few details by means of discreet remarks at the +Club and elsewhere. + +She simply arrived here about a year ago--as a singer, and met the +Colonel--beyond that, all is mystery. Everything about her attracts me +powerfully, and this mystery adds subtleties to her charms. + +This afternoon I went to say good-bye; I told her we were leaving +"shortly," and she gently reproved me for disobeying the order which +forbids discussion of movements, but I could see she was not greatly +displeased. + +After tea she played to me, music of the modern Russian +school--Arensky, Sibelius and Pilsuki; a storm was brewing and we both +felt sad. + +She played for an hour or so, and then came and sat by me on a low +divan by the fire. We were silent for a long while in the gathering +gloom, whilst a thousand thoughts chased each other swiftly through my +brain, as I endeavoured to summon up courage to say what I had +determined I must say before I left her, perhaps for ever. + +At last, when only her profile was visible against the glow of the +logs, I spoke. + +I told her quietly, calmly and almost dispassionately that I had grown +to love her and that to me she was life itself. I told her that I had +tried not to speak until I could endure no longer. + +She sat very still as I spoke, and when I had finished there was a long +silence and I gently stretched out my hand and stroked her lovely black +hair. At last she rose and with averted face walked across the room, +and stood looking at the storm through the big bow windows. I watched +her, but did not dare follow. + +At length she returned to me, and I saw what I had instinctively known +the whole time--that she had been crying. I could not think why. + +She put her arms round my neck, kissed me on the forehead and murmured, +"Poor Karl." + +I felt crushed; I dared not move for fear of breaking the magic of the +moment, yet I longed to know more; I felt overwhelmed by some colossal +mystery that seemed to be enveloping me in its folds. Why did she pity +me? Why did she weep? Why didn't she answer my avowal? Why didn't she +tell me something? Such were some of the problems that perplexed me. + +It was thus when the clock chimed seven. I told her that my leave was +up at seven o'clock, and that at 7.15 I had to be back on board the +boat. She remembered this, and in an instant the past quarter of an +hour might never have existed. She was all agitation and nervousness +lest I should be late on board--though at the moment I would have +cheerfully missed the boat to hear her say she loved me. + +I tried to protest, but in vain. With feminine quickness she utilized +the incident to avoid a situation she evidently found full of +difficulty, and at 7.10, with the memory of a light kiss on my lips and +her God-speed in my ears I was in a taxi driving to the docks in a +blinding rain-storm--and we sail to-night. + +For five, six, seven, perhaps ten days at the least, and at the most +for ever, I am doomed to be away from her and without news of her. And +I don't even know whether she loves me! + +I think I can say she cares for me up to a certain point, but I want +more. + + "Oh Zoe! of the violet eyes, + And hair of blackest night + Thy lips are brightest crimson, + Thy skin is dazzling white. + + "Oh! lay your head upon my breast, + And lift your lips to mine; + Then murmur in soft breathings, + Drink deep from what is thine. + + "Then let the war rage onward, + Let kingdoms rise and fall; + To each shall be the other, + Their life, their hope, their all." + +[Footnote: I am indebted to Commander C. C. for the above rough +translation of Karl's effusion.--ETIENNE.] + + + + +_At sea._ + + +We are bound for the same old spot as last time. + +Alten must have been drinking like a fish lately; his breath smells +like a distillery; he is apparently partial to schnapps, which he gets +easily in Bruges. + +I can't help admiring the man, as he is a rigid teetotaller at sea, +though he must find the strain well nigh intolerable, judging from the +condition he was in when he came on board last night. He was really +totally unfit to take charge of the boat, and I virtually took her down +the canal, though with sottish obstinacy he insisted on remaining on +the bridge. + +This morning, though his complexion was a hideous yellow colour, he +seems quite all right. I shall play a little trick on him at dinner +to-night. + +I have begun to get to know some of the crew by now; they are a fine +lot of youngsters with a seasoning of half a dozen older men. The +coxswain, Schmitt by name, is a splendid old petty officer who has been +in the U-boat service since 1911. + +His favourite enjoyment is to spin yarns to the younger members of the +crew, who know of his weakness and play up to it. + +He has a favourite expression which runs thus: + +"His Majesty the Kaiser said Germany's future lies on the sea; I say +Germany's future lies under the sea." + +He is inordinately fond of this statement, and the youngsters +continually say: "What made you take to U-boat work, Schmitt?" and the +invariable reply is as above. When he has been asked the question about +half a dozen times in the course of a day, he is liable to become +suspicious, and if his questioner is within range Schmitt stares at him +for a few seconds in an absent-minded way, then an arm like that of a +gorilla shoots out, and the quizzer (_Untersucher_) receives a +resounding box on the ears to the huge delight of his companions. The +old man then permits his iron-lipped mouth to relax into a caustic +smile, after which he is left in peace for some time. + +At the wheel he is an artist, for he seems to divine what the next +order is going to be, or if he is steering her on a course he predicts +the direction of the next wave even as a skilful chess player works out +the moves ahead. + + * * * * * + +I am rather weary and ought to go to bed, but before I lose the savour +I must record the splendid fun I had with Alten at dinner. + +We were dining alone, as the navigator was on the bridge, and the +engineer was busy with a slight leak in the cooking water service. I +have said that, though a heavy drinker by nature, Alten is a strict +abstainer at sea. Accordingly I produced a small flask of rum, half-way +through dinner, and helped myself to a liberal tot, placing the liquor +between us on the table. As the sight met his eyes and the aroma +greeted his nostrils, a gleam of joy flashed across his face, to be +succeeded by a frown. + +With an amiable smile I proffered the flask to him, remarking at the +same time: "You don't drink at sea, do you?" + +In a thick voice he muttered, "No! Yes--no! thank you." + +With an air of having noticed nothing, I resumed my meal, but out of +the corner of my eye I watched his left hand on the table near the +flask. It was most interesting, all the veins stood out like ropes, and +his knuckles almost burst through the skin. + +This went on for about thirty seconds, when he choked out something +about needing a breath of fresh air. As he got up his face was brick +red, and I almost thought he'd have a fit. + +Whether by accident or design he pulled the cloth as he got out from +between the settee and the table and upset the flask. + +He was apparently incapable of apologizing, for he rushed up on deck. + +A few minutes later the navigating officer came down and asked what was +up? + +I said: "What do you mean?" + +He said: "Well, the Captain came up just now, swearing like a trooper, +and told me to get to the devil out of it; it didn't seem advisable to +question him, so I got out of it and came down." + +I expressed my opinion that the Captain must be feeling sea-sick and +was ashamed to say so. I also suggested to the navigator that he should +take the Captain a little brandy in case he was not feeling well, but +the navigator declared he was going to stay down in the warmth till he +was sent for. Alten is a great coarse brute. Fancy allowing a material +substance such as alcohol to grip one's mentality. + +Thank Heaven I have nerves of iron; nothing would affect me! + +And now to bed, though I must just read my account of our day in the +forest. Darling girl, may I dream of thee. + + * * * * * + +We laid our mines without trouble at 5 a.m. this morning, though at +midnight we had a most unpleasant experience. + +I was asleep, as it was my morning watch, when I was awakened by the +harsh rattle of the diving alarms. + +The Diesel subsided with a few spasmodic coughs into silence, and as I +jumped out of my bunk and groped for my short sea boots, the navigator +and helmsman came tumbling down the conning tower, with the navigator +shouting, "Take her down," as hard as you like. + +The men at the planes had them "hard-to-dive" in an instant. + +The vents had been opened as the hooters sounded, and Alten, who had +jumped into the control room, immediately rang down, "All out on the +electric motors." + +In thirty seconds from the original alarm we were at an angle of twenty +degrees down by the bow, and I had sat down heavily on the battery +boards, completely surprised by the sudden tilt of the deck. + +It occurred to me that the air was escaping through the vents with a +strangely loud noise, but before I could consider the matter further or +even inquire the reason for this sudden dive, the noise increased to a +terrifying extent, and whilst I prepared myself for the worst it +culminated into a roar as of fifty express trains going through a +tunnel, mingled with the noise of a high-powered aeroplane engine. + +The roar drummed and beat and shook the boat, then died away as +suddenly as it came; a moment later there was a severe jar. We had +struck the bottom, still maintaining our angle. + +I painfully got to my feet and then discovered from the navigator that +he had suddenly seen two white patches of foam 800 yards on the +starboard bow, which resolved themselves into the bow waves of a +destroyer approaching at full speed to ram. + +We had dived just in time, and her knife-edged bow, driven by 30,000 +horse power, had slid through the water a very few feet above our +conning tower. + +Luckily he had not dropped any depth charges. We were not, however, +completely free of our troubles, though we had cheated the destroyer. + +Examination of the chart, showed the bottom to be mud, and on +attempting to move the foremost hydroplanes, the plane motor fuses blew +out. This showed that the boat was buried in the mud right up to her +foremost planes, which were immovable. + +The hydrophone watchkeeper reported that he could still hear +fast-running propellers, though probably some distance away, and as +this showed that our old enemy was still nosing about we were very +anxious not to break surface. We just blew "A." [1] At least we started +to blow "A," but Alten wisely decided that, as it was a calm night with +a half-moon, the bubbles on the surface might be rather conspicuous, so +we stopped the blow and put the pump on. We also flooded "W". [2] This +had no effect on her at all. + +[Footnote 1: Probably their foremost internal tank.--ETIENNE.] + +[Footnote 2: Presumably their after internal tank.--ETIENNE.] + +We then pumped out "Q" and "P," leaving "W" full, and adjusted our trim +to give her only three tons negative buoyancy, just enough to keep us +on the bottom if she came out of the mud. + +In this position we went full speed astern on the motors, 1,500 amps on +each, and all the crew in the after-compartment. No result. We then +pumped the outer diving tanks on the port side to give her a list to +starboard. Still she remained fixed. + +So at 2 a.m. we decided to risk it and we put a slow blow on all tanks. + +When she had about fifty tons positive buoyancy she suddenly bucketed +up, and, as the motors were running full speed astern at the time, we +came up and broke surface stern first. In a few seconds we were trimmed +down again, and as a precautionary measure we proceeded for a couple of +miles at twenty metres, when, coming up to periscope depth, we +surfaced, and finding all clear we proceeded. We were put down by a +trawler at dawn, though she never saw us. After half an hour's hanging +about she moved off, which was lucky, as she was right on our billet. + +We are now proceeding to a spot somewhat to the eastward of Cape St. +Abbs, [3] as we have instructions to do a two-days patrol here and sink +shipping. + +[Footnote 3: St. Abbs Head.--ETIENNE] + +We ought to start business to-morrow morning. + + * * * * * + +We should be in to-night, then for my little Zoe! + +But I must record what we have done. Already I am getting much pleasure +from reading my diary. Strange how it amuses one to see little bits of +oneself on paper, and the less garnished and franker the truths the +more entertaining it is. + +[Illustration: "The torpedo had jumped clean out of the water a hundred +yards short of the steamer and had then dived under her."] + +[Illustration: "We were put down by a trawler at dawn."] + +[Illustration: A moment later there was a severe jar; we had struck +the bottom] + +The hours here are so long and boring at times that I feel I want to +talk intimately with someone. Failing Zoe I turn to my notebooks. + +The first steamer we sighted raised high hopes, at least her smoke did, +for we saw enough smoke on the horizon to make us think we were to see +the Grand Fleet, and we promptly dived. We cruised towards her for +about half an hour, and then hung about where we were, as we found that +her course would take the ship close to us. + +As the situation developed, Alten, who was up in the conning tower at +the "A" periscope, gave us a certain amount of information, and we +gathered that all this smoke was pouring out of the pipe-stem tunnel of +a wretched little English tramp. + +I found it most irritating, standing in the control room (my action +station) and not knowing what was going on. + +There is only one good job in a submarine and that is the Captain's. He +knows and decides everything. The rest of us are in his hands and take +things on trust. I object on principle to my life being held in Alten's +hands. It is all very well for the crew, for, to start with, they have +no imagination, and to most of them their mental horizon stops at the +walls of the boat. Secondly, they have the consolation of mechanical +activities; they make and break switches and open and close +valves--they work with their hands. An officer has imagination, and +only works with his head. + +As we attacked the steamer, all one heard was murmurs from Alten, such +as: "Raise!" "Lower!" "Take her down to ten metres!" "Half speed!" +"Slow!" "Bring her up to five metres!" "Raise!" "Lower!" + +I endeavoured to simulate an air of unconcern which I was far from +feeling. + +Not that I was a prey to physical fear; I flatter myself it is so far +unknown to me, and there was no great danger, but simply that I longed +to know what was happening. At length I heard the welcome order: + +"Starboard tube. Stand by!" + +Which was followed almost immediately by the order: "Fire!" + +There was a kind of coughing grunt, and the starboard torpedo proceeded +on its errand of destruction. + +Every ear was strained for the sound of the explosion, but all we were +vouchsafed was a torrent of blasphemy from Alten. + +The torpedo had jumped clean out of the water a hundred yards short of +the steamer, and had then evidently dived under the ship; so I gathered +later when Alten had calmed down somewhat. We were about to surface and +give her the gun, when luckily Alten took a good sweep round with the +skyscraper and discovered one of those wretched little airships about a +mile away, coming towards the steamer, which was wailing piteously, on +her syren. + +As the chart showed forty metres we decided to bottom and have lunch. + +Over lunch we discussed the misadventure. Alten was loud in his curses +of Tanzerman (the torpedo lieutenant at Bruges), from whom he had got +the torpedo in guaranteed good condition only forty-eight hours before +we sailed. He launched forth into a tirade against the torpedo staff at +Bruges, and, warming to his subject, he roundly abused the whole of the +depot personnel, whom he stigmatized as a set of hard-drinking, +shore-loafing ruffians, who were incapable of realizing that they +existed for the benefit of the boats' personnel and "material." + +I naturally disagreed, and did so the more readily that I +conscientiously disagree with him. I find that there is a tendency on +the part of some of these submarine officers, who have been U-boating a +long time, to get into narrow grooves. Most reserve officers are not +like this, as they have only been in during the war. Alten is an +exception; he left the Hamburg-Amerika on two years' half pay in 1912, +and was, of course, kept on in 1914. After all, the depot staff are +Germans, and as such labour for the Fatherland, and though their work +in office and workship is not so dangerous as ours, on the other hand +they have not got the stimulation before their eyes, of glory to be +gained. Personally I am of the opinion that the torpedo broke surface +because, being fired from the outside tubes, it probably started too +shallow, dived deep, recovered shallow and dived deep, broke surface +and dived very deep. A sticky motor or sluggish weight would give this +effect. + +And are these external tubes water-tight? Theoretically, yes, but what +of practice? We have been down to forty metres several times during +this trip, and not once have we had a chance on the surface of getting +at the two external tubes; add to which our depth gear, with the pivots +of the weight exposed to water if the tube does flood and then you have +rust, corrosion and heaven knows what complications. + +I saw a British Mark 11.50 torpedo at the torpedo shop at Bruges the +other day, and I was much struck with their deep depth gear, which is +of the unrestrained Uhlan type, i.e., weight and valve interdependent. +But then the main feature is that the whole gear is contained in a +separate water-tight chamber. + +Our system is certainly a great saving in space, and is much neater in +design, whilst I prefer the Uhlan principle of valve conjuncting with +weight, but it would be interesting to know whether the British have +much trouble with the depth-keeping of their torpedo. + +I have written quite a disquisition on depth gears; I must get on with +my record of events. + +After lunch we had a good look round, but the small airship was still +hanging about, flying slowly in large circles. + +We were rather surprised to meet one of these despicable little +sausages or "Zeppelin's Spawn," as the navigator calls them, so far +from land, and at dark we surfaced and proceeded on one engine on an +easterly course, charging the battery right up with the other engine. + +Dawn revealed a blank horizon, not a vestige of mast, funnel or smoke +in sight. + +We ambled along in fine though cold weather, and I took advantage of +the peacefulness of everything to do a really good series of Müller on +the upper deck, stripped to the waist, and allowed the keen air to play +its invigorating currents on my torso. + +Alten silently watched me from the conning tower, with a sneering +expression on his face. The navigator, who is quite a decent youngster, +though of no family, was, I could plainly see, struck by my +development, and asked to be initiated into the series of exercises. I +agreed willingly enough to show them to him. I will confess I wish Zoe +could have seen me as I perspired with healthy exercise. + +At about 11 a.m. a couple of masts, then two more, then another, +appeared above the horizon. The visibility was extreme, so we at once +dived and proceeded at full speed, ten metres. + +We had been going thus for perhaps half an hour when Alten remarked +that he would have another look at the convoy. We eased speed, came up +to six metres, and Alten proceeded up into the conning tower to use "A" +periscope. + +He had hardly applied his eye to the lens when he sharply ordered the +boat to ten metres, accompanying this order with another to the motor +room demanding utmost speed (_Ausserste Kraft_). I went up to the +conning tower and found him white with excitement. + +"Look!" he exclaimed, pointing to the periscope, entirely forgetful of +the fact that we were at ten metres. I looked, and of course saw +nothing; furious at the trick I considered he had played on me I turned +on him, to be disarmed by his apology. + +"Sorry! I forgot! The whole British battle cruiser force is there." + +It was now my turn to be excited, and I rushed down to the motor room +determined to give her every amp she would take. The port foremost +motor was sparking like the devil, rings of cursed sparks shooting +round the commutator, but this was no time for ceremony. I relentlessly +ordered the field current to be still further reduced. + +We were actually running with an F.C. of 3.75 amps, [1] for a period, +when the sparking assumed the appearance of a ring of fire and, fearing +a commutator strip would melt, I ordered an F.C. of five amps. + +[Footnote 1: The lower the field current the faster the motor goes. +3.75 is almost incredibly low for a motor of this type--at least +according to British practice.--ETIENNE.] + +We thus passed a quarter of an hour full of strain, the tension of +which was reflected in the attitude of all the men. Alten had announced +his intention of using the stern torpedo tube after his failure in the +morning, and the crew of this tube were crouched at their stations like +a gun's crew in the last few seconds preparatory to opening fire. The +switchboard attendants gripped the regulating rheostatts as if by their +personal efforts they could urge the boat on faster. Old Schmitt, at +the helm, never lifted his eyes from the compass repeater. + +At length: "Slow both!" "Bring her to six metres!" came from the +conning tower, to which place I proceeded to hear the news. + +Slowly the periscope was raised and I held my breath; a groan came from +Alten and he turned away. For a fraction of a second I was almost +pleased at his obvious pain, then, sick with disappointment, I took his +place. + +Yes! it was all over. There they were, and with hungry eyes and +depressed heart I saw five great battle cruisers, of which I recognized +the _Tiger_ with her three great funnels, the _Princess Royal_, _Lion_ +and two others, zigzagging along at 25 knots, at a distance of 12,000 +metres, across our bow. + +They were surrounded by a numerous screen of destroyers and light +cruisers, the former at that range through the periscope appearing as +black smudges. + +It is not often one is permitted such a spectacle in modern war, and I +could not tear myself away from the sight of those great brutes, whom I +had fought when in the _Derflingger_ at Dogger Bank and again when in +the _König_ at Jutland. So near and yet so far, and as they rapidly +drew away so did all the visions of an Iron Cross. As soon as they were +out of sight, we surfaced in order to report what we had seen to +Zeebrugge and Heligoland. + +Everything seemed against us. I had gone on the bridge with the +navigator; Alten, with a face as black as hell, had gone to the +wardroom. About ten minutes elapsed when I heard a fearful altercation +going on below. I stepped down to find the young wireless operator +trembling in front of Alten, who was overwhelming him with a flood of +abuse. As I reached the wardroom, Alten shook his fist in the man's +face and bellowed: + +"Make the d---- thing work, I tell you." + +"Impossible, Captain, the main condenser----" the man began. + +Purple with rage, Alten seized a heavy pair of parallel rulers, and +before I could check him hurled them full in the operator's face. +Bleeding copiously, the youth fell to the deck in a stunned condition. + +It was then, for the first time, that I noticed a half-empty bottle of +spirits on the table, which colossal quantity he must have consumed in +about a quarter of an hour. + +Turning to me, this semi-madman pointed to the wireless operator with +his foot and growled: + +"Have him removed." + +This I did, and then, lowering the periscope, I ordered the boat to +fifteen metres. We proceeded at this depth until 8 p.m., when I was +informed that the Captain was in his bunk and wished to see me. + +I discovered him with his face to the ship's side, and upon my +reporting myself he ordered me, firstly to throw that blasted bottle +overboard (an unnecessary proceeding, as it was empty), and secondly to +surface and shape course for Zeebrugge. + +At midnight he relieved me, apparently perfectly normal. + +The wireless operator has been laid up all day and has a nasty cut on +the head. The navigator, a great scandal-monger, has heard from the +engineer that Alten was speaking to him alone this morning, and the +engineer believes that Alten has given him five hundred marks to say he +fell down a hatch. + +Hooray! Blankenberg buoy has just been reported in sight! Soon I shall +see my Zoe! + + * * * * * + +With what high hopes did I write the last few lines a few hours ago, +and how they were dashed to the ground, for on going into the Mess at +Bruges I found amongst my letters a note from her, which was terrible +in its brevity. She simply said: + + +"DEAR KARL, + +"I am going away for some days, and as I shall be travelling it is no +good giving you an address. To our next meeting! + +"ZOE." + + +How horribly vague; not an indication of her destination, her object, +or the probable length of her absence. Of course I rushed round to the +flat, but found the place shut up. The porter told me she had gone away +with her maid. He couldn't say when she'd be back--if at all! I gave +him ten marks, and he said she might be away a fortnight. If I'd given +him twenty he'd have said a week; he obviously didn't know. + +I feel I could do anything to-night; any mad, evil thing would appeal +to me. + +There is a most fearful uproar coming from the guest-room, where a +large and rowdy party are entertaining the chorus of a travelling +_revue_ company. I saw them when they arrived, horribly common-looking +women, with legs like mine tubes. + + * * * * * + +Another day and still no news; I don't know how I shall stick it. She +might have had the softness of heart to write to me. She knows my +address. + +This evening a letter from the little mother, who asks whether I can +find time to go to Frankfurt when I have leave; at the end of the +letter she mentions that Rosa has joined the Women's Voluntary +Auxiliary Corps of Army Nurses. I suppose she thought she'd like her +photograph taken in some fancy uniform as "Rosa Freinland, one of our +Frankfurt beauties, now on war work!" Holding the patient's hand is +about the only work she intends doing. + +Women as a class are the same the world over. We are well supplied with +English papers in the Mess here; they come regularly from Amsterdam, +and in their pages I see, just as in ours, pictures of the Countess +this and the Lord that, photographed in becoming attitudes doing war +work. It seems agricultural pursuits are the fashion in England at +present--wait till our U-boat war gets its knife well into their fat +guts, it will be more than fashionable to work in the fields then. + +The British Empire is undeniably a great creation, or rather not so +much a creation as a thing arrived at accidentally, but it lacks +solidarity. It sprawls, a confused mass of races and creeds, around the +world. Its very immensity lays it open to attack, it has a dozen +Achilles heels from Ireland to Egypt and South Africa to India. + +I met a man only yesterday who was recently at the propaganda +department of the Foreign Office, and without going into details he +gave me a very good idea of the good work that is going on in Britain's +canker spots. + +Ireland is considered particularly promising to those in the know. + +Now for an agitated night! To think that a girl should disturb me so! + + * * * * * + +Two days have passed, or, rather, dragged their interminable lengths +away, for there is still not a vestige of news. I have been twice to +the flat with no result, except to receive a piece of impertinence from +the porter the last time I was there. + +No news. + + * * * * * + +Still no news, and we sail in forty-eight hours. + + + + +_At sea, off the Isle of Wight_. + + +It is some days since I turned for solace and enjoyment, amidst the +discomforts of this life, to my pen and notebook. + +What strange tricks fate plays with us, and how lucky it is that one +cannot foresee the future. + +Here I am in U.39--but I must start at the beginning. My last entry was +the depressing one of still no news. Well, I have had news, but it was +like a drop of water in the mouth of a parched-up man. Another +agonizing twenty-four hours passed, and I was sitting in my room about +ten o'clock, trying to resign myself to the idea that the next night I +should be starting out for my third trip without news of her, when the +telephone bell rang. I lifted the receiver and to my amazed joy heard a +voice that I could have recognized in a thousand. It was Zoe! + +I was quite incapable of any remark, and my confusion was further +increased when, after a few "Hello's," which I idiotically repeated, +her clear, level tones said: "Is that you, Karl? How are you?" How was +I? What a question to ask! I wanted to tell her that I was bubbling +with joy, that a thousand-kilogramme load had been lifted from my +chest, that my blood was coursing through my veins, that I, usually so +cool, was trembling with excitement, that I could have kissed the +mouthpiece of the humble instrument that linked us together. Yet I was +quite incapable of answering her simple question! I can't imagine what +I expected her to say, for upon reflection her remark was a very +ordinary one, and indeed under the circumstances quite natural, but, as +I say, in actual fact I was tongue-tied. + +I suppose I must have said something, for I next remember her saying: +"Well, you might ask how I am;" and to my horror I realized that she +thought I was being rude! + +My abject apologies were cut short by her tantalizing laugh, and I +understood that the adorable one was teasing me. When at length I made +myself believe that I really was talking to this most elusive and +delightful woman I wasted no time in suggesting that, late though it +was, I might be permitted to go round and see her. She would not permit +this, as she said it would create grave scandal, and the Colonel might +hear about it upon his return. I pleaded hard and urged my departure in +twenty-four hours. + +She was firm and reproved me for discussing movements over the +telephone. She was right; I was a fool to do so; but Zoe destroys all +my caution. However, she said that I might lunch with her next day, and +that she had some new music to play to me. I ventured to ask where she +had been, but this question was plainly unpleasing to my lady, so I +dropped the subject. I blew her a goodnight kiss over the telephone, to +which I think I caught an answer, and then she rang off. + +Ten minutes had not elapsed, when a messenger entered and informed me +that I was wanted at the Commodore's office at once. + +A strange feeling of uneasiness and that of impending misfortune +overcame me. I felt like a naughty school-boy about to interview the +headmaster. + +I followed the messenger into the Commodore's office, and found myself +alone with the great man. He was seated at a huge roll-top desk, which +was the only article of furniture in a room which was to all intents +and purposes papered with large scale charts of the east and south +coasts of England and of the Channel and North Sea. + +The Commodore was sealing an envelope as I came in; he looked up and +saw me, then, without taking any further notice of me, he resumed his +business with the envelope. I felt that I was in the presence of a +personality, and I was, for "Old Man Max" is one of the ten men who +count in the Naval Administration. He had a reading lamp on his desk, +and I remember noticing that the light shining through its green shade +imparted a yellow parchment-like effect to the top of his old bald +head. With dainty care he finished sealing the envelope, then, picking +up a telephone transmitter, he snapped "Admiralty!" In about a minute +he was connected, and to my astonishment I realized that he was talking +to the duty captain of the operations department in Berlin. + +His words chilled my heart, for he said: "Commodore speaking! U.39 +sails at 2 a.m. for operation F.Q.H.--Repeat." + +His words were apparently repeated to his satisfaction, for while I was +vainly endeavouring to convince myself that I was unconnected with the +sailing of U.39, he banged the receiver into place (Old Man Max does +everything in bangs) and snapped at me. + +"You Lieutenant Von Schenk?" + +I admitted I was, and then heard this disgusting news. + +"Kranz, 1st Lieutenant U.39, reported suddenly ill, Zeebrugge, +poisoning--you relieve him. Ship sails in one hour forty minutes from +now--my car leaves here in forty minutes and takes you to Zeebrugge. +Here are operation orders--inform Von Weissman he acknowledges receipt +direct to me on 'phone. That's all." + +He handed me the envelope and I suppose I walked outside--at least I +found myself in the corridor turning the confounded envelope round and +round. For one mad moment I felt like rushing in and saying: "But, sir, +you don't understand I'm lunching with Zoe to-morrow!" + +Then the mental picture which this idea conjured up made me shake with +suppressed laughter and I remembered that war was war and that I had +only thirty-five minutes in which to collect such gear as I had +handy--most of my sea things being in U.C.47--and say goodbye to Zoe. + +I ran to my room and made the corridors echo with shouts for my +faithful Adolf. The excellent man was soon on the scene, and whilst he +stuffed underclothing, towels and other necessary gear into a bag he +had purloined from someone's room, I rang up Zoe. I wasted ten minutes +getting through, but at last I heard a deliciously sleepy voice murmur, +"Who's that?" + +I told her, and added that I was off; to my secret joy, an intensely +disappointed and long-drawn "Oooh!" came over the wire. So she does +care a bit, I thought. Mad ideas of pretending to be suddenly ill +crossed my mind--anything to gain twenty-four hours--but the Fatherland +is above all such considerations, and after some pleasant talk and many +wishes of good luck from the darling girl, with a heavy heart I bade +her good-night. + +The Old Man's car, which is a sixty horse-power Benz, was waiting at +the Mess entrance, and once clear of the sentries we raced down the +flat, well-metalled road to Zeebrugge in a very short time. The guard +at Bruges barrier had 'phoned us through to the Zeebrugge fortified +zone, and we were admitted without delay. In three-quarters of an hour +from my interview with old Max I was scrambling across a row of U-boats +to reach my new ship, U.39. + +I went down the after hatch, reported myself to Von Weissman and +delivered his orders to him, of which he acknowledged receipt direct to +the Commodore according to instructions. Von Weissman is a very +different stamp of man to Alten; of medium height, he has +sandy-coloured hair, steel-grey eyes and a protruding jaw. He is what +he looks, a fine North Prussian, and is, of course, of excellent +family, as the Weissmans have been settled in Grinetz for a long +period. + +He struck me as being about thirty years of age, and on his heart he +wore the Cross of the second class. I have heard of him before as being +well in the running towards an _ordre pour le mérite_. + +An interesting chart is hanging in the wardroom, on which is marked the +last resting-place of every ship he has sunk. He puts a coloured dot, +the tint of which varies with the tonnage, black up to 2,000, blue from +2,000-5,000, brown 5,000-8,000, green 8,000-11,000, and a red spot with +the ship's name for anything over 11,000. He has got about 120,000 tons +at present. He opposes the Arnauld de la Perrière school of thought, +which pins faith on the gun, and Weissman has done nearly all his work +with the good old torpedo. + +Altogether, undoubtedly a man to serve with. + +The U.39 was in that buzzing and semi-active condition which to a +trained eye is a sure indication that the ship is about to sail. +Punctually at five minutes to 2 a.m. Weissman went to the bridge, and +at 2 a.m. the wires were slipped and we started on a ten days' trip. As +the dim lights on the mole disappeared and the ceaseless fountain of +star-shells, mingling with the flashing of guns, rose inland on our +port beam my mind travelled overland to the flat at Bruges, and I +wondered whether Zoe was lying awake listening to the ceaseless rumble +of the Flanders cannon. We went on at full speed, as it was our +intention to pass the Dover Straits before dawn. Though our +intelligence bureau issues the most alarming reports as to the +frightfulness of the defences here I was agreeably surprised at the +ease with which we passed. Von Weissman, to whom I had hinted that we +might find the passage tricky, rather laughed at my suggestion, and +described to me his method, which, at all events, has the merit of +simplicity. + +He always goes through with the tide, so as to take as short a time as +possible, and he always decides on a course and steers it as closely as +possible, keeping to the surface unless he sights anything, and diving +as soon as anything shows up. Even if he dives he goes on as fast as +possible on his course, irrespective of whether he is being bombed or +not. + +I must say it worked very well last night. We shaped a course to pass +five miles west of Gris Nez, and when that light, which for some reason +the French had commodiously lit that night, was abeam, we sighted a +black object, probably a trawler or destroyer, about half a dozen miles +away right ahead. Weissman immediately dived and, without deviating a +degree from his course, held on at three-quarters speed on the motors. +Some time later the hydrophone watchkeeper reported the sound of +propellers in his listeners, and that he judged them to be close at +hand, so I imagine we passed very nearly directly underneath whatever +it was. + +After an hour's submerging we rose, and found dawn breaking over a +leaden and choppy sea. Nothing being in sight, we continued on the +surface for an hour, charging batteries with the starboard engine (500 +amps on each), but at 9 a.m., the clouds lying low and an aerial patrol +being frequent hereabouts, we dived and cruised steadily down channel +at slow speed, keeping periscope depth. + +Several times in the course of the forenoon we sighted small destroyers +and convoy craft [1] in the distance, all steering westerly. They were +probably returning from escorting troopships over to France last night. +In every case we went to sixty feet long before they could have seen +our "stick." [2] Weissman is evidently as cautious in this matter as he +is hardy in others; the more I see of him the more I like him; he is a +man of breeding, and it is of value to serve in this boat. + +[Footnote 1: Probably "P" boats.--ETIENNE.] + +[Footnote 2: Periscope.--ETIENNE.] + +As I write we are on the surface about ten miles east of the Isle of +Wight, still steering down channel. To-night at midnight we report our +position to Zeebrugge, up till now we have maintained wireless silence +for fear of the British and French directional stations picking up our +signals and fixing our position. + +After supper this evening Von Weissman explained to me the general plan +of our operations for the next eight days. Our cruising billet is about +150 miles south-west of the Scillys, at the focal point where trade for +Liverpool and Bristol and the up-channel trade diverges. Von Weissman +says that this is a plum billet and we should do well. + +I feel this is going to be better than those piffling little +mine-laying trips, and though we shall be away ten days, it will +qualify me for four days' leave in Belgium. + + * * * * * + +There was nearly an awkward moment last night, or, rather, there was an +awkward moment, and nearly an awkward accident. I relieved the +navigator at midnight (the pilot is an unassuming individual called +Siegel) and took on the middle watch. It was blowing about force 4 from +the south-west, and a nasty short, lumpy sea was running which caught +us just on the port bow. About once every ten seconds she missed her +step with the waves and, dipping her nose into it, shovelled up tons of +water, which, as the bow lifted, raced aft and, breaking against the +gun, flung itself in clouds of spray against the bridge. In a very few +minutes every exposed portion of me was streaming with water. + +At about 2 a.m. I had turned my back to the sea for a moment, and my +thoughts were for an instant in Bruges, when, on facing forward once +again I saw a sight which effectually brought me back to earth. + +This was the spectacle of two black shapes, evidently steamers, one on +either bow, distant, I should estimate, 600 or 700 metres. I had to +make a quick decision, and I decided that to fire a torpedo in that sea +with any hope of a hit, especially with the boat on surface, was +useless; furthermore, that at any moment either of the steamers might +sight us from their high bridge and turn and ram. + +These thoughts were the work of an instant, and I at once rang the +diving bell, and, pushing the look-out before me, in five seconds I was +in the conning tower and had the hatch down. I at once proceeded down +into the boat, and the first thing that struck my eye was the diving +gauge with the needle practically stationary at two metres. + +The boat was not going down properly! and for an instant I was rudely +shaken, until a cool voice from the wardroom remarked, "Helm hard +a-port," an order that was instantly obeyed, and as she began to turn +the moving needle on the depth gauge began its journey round the dial. +It was the Captain who had spoken. As soon as he heard the diving alarm +he was out of his bunk, and a glance at the gauge he has fitted in the +wardroom told him we were not sinking rapidly. In an instant he had put +his finger on the trouble, which was that we were almost head on to the +sea, with the result that he had given the order as stated above, +which, bringing us beam on to the sea, had caused her to dive with +ease. He is efficiency itself! + +As I explained to him what had happened, the noise of propellers at +varying distances from us overhead led him to state his belief that we +had run into a convoy homeward bound to Southampton from the Atlantic. + +He approved of my actions in every particular, save only in my omission +to bring the boat away from the sea as I began to dive. + +This morning we are beginning to get the full force of what is +evidently going to be a south-westerly gale of some violence. The seas +are getting larger as we debouch into the Atlantic. This looks bad for +business. + + * * * * * + +At the moment we are practically hove to on the surface, with the port +engine just jogging to keep her head on to sea and the starboard +ticking round to give her a long, slow charge of 200 amps. + +The wind is force 7-8 and a very big sea is running which makes it +entirely impossible to open the conning tower hatch; the engine is +getting its air through the special mushroom ventilator, which is +apparently not designed to supply both the boat's requirements and +those of the engine; the whole ventilator gets covered with sea every +now and then, during which period until the baffle drains get the water +away no air can get in, so the engine has a good suck at the air in the +boat, the result of all this being a slight vacuum in the boat. It is a +very unpleasant sensation, and made me very sick. This is really a form +of sickness due to the rarefied air. + +I had a great surprise when I looked at the barograph this morning as +the needle had gone right off the paper at the bottom, and at first +glance I thought we had struck a tropical depression of the first +magnitude, which, flouting all the laws of meteorology, had somehow +found its way to the English Channel; but the engineer explained to me +that, as I have already stated, the low atmospheric pressure in the +boat was due to the conning-tower hatch being shut down. + +[Illustration: "As the dim lights on the mole disappeared, the +ceaseless fountain of starshells mingling with the flashing of guns, +rose inland on our port beam."] + +[Illustration: "We hit her aft for the second time."] + +I have discovered that Von Weissman is a martyr to sea-sickness--all +day he has been lying down as white as a sheet and subsisting on milk +tablets and sips of brandy; yet such is the man's inflexibility of will +that he forces himself to make a tour of inspection right round the +boat every six hours, night and day. It is this will to conquer which +has made Germans unconquerable, though "Come the four corners of the +world in arms" against us, as the great poet says. + +We are, of course, keeping watch from inside the conning tower; it is, +at all events, dry, but as to seeing anything one might as well be +looking out through a small glass window from inside a breakwater! To +bed till 4 a.m. + + * * * * * + +A most unprofitable day. I grudge every day away from Zoe on which we +do nothing. This morning about noon the gale blew itself out, but a +heavy confused sea continued to run. + +At 2 p.m. we saw a most tantalizing spectacle. A big tank steamer, +fully 600 feet long and of probably 17,000 tons burthen hove in sight, +escorted by two destroyers. To attack with the gun was impossible, as +we could only keep the conning tower open when stern to sea, and in any +case the two destroyers prevented any surface work. We tried to get in +for an attack, but we had not seen her in time, and the best we could +do was to get within 3,000 yards, at which range it would have been +absurd to have wasted a torpedo, the chances of hitting being 100 to 1 +against, even if the torpedo had run properly in the sea that was on. + +I had a good look at her through the foremost periscope in between the +waves, and it maddened me to see all that oil, doubtless from Tampico +for the Grand Fleet, going safely by. The destroyers were having a bad +time of it, crashing into the sea like porpoises, their funnels white +with salt, and their bridges enveloped in sheets of water and spray. +They little thought that, barely a mile away, amidst the tumbling, +crested waves a German eye was watching them! + +There is no doubt these damned British have pluck, for it was the last +sort of weather in which one would have expected to find destroyers at +sea, and yet I suppose they do this throughout the winter. + +After all, one would expect them to be tough fellows--they are of +Teutonic stock--though by their bearing one might imagine that the +Creator made an Englishman and then Adam. + +Let's hope we get some decent weather to-morrow. I have just been +refreshing my memory by reading of what I wrote in the book, concerning +the day in the forest with the adorable girl. There is an exquisite +pleasure in transporting the mind into such memories of the past when +the body is in such surroundings as the present, if only I could will +myself to dream of her! + + * * * * * + +A fine day in every sense of the word. The weather has been and remains +excellent, and I have been present at my first sinking. It was absurdly +commonplace. At 10 a.m. this morning a column of smoke crept upwards +from the southern horizon. + +Von Weissman steered towards it on the surface until two masts and the +top of a funnel appeared. We dived and proceeded slowly under water on +a southerly course. + +Half an hour passed and Von Weissman brought the boat up to periscope +depth and had a look. He called to me to come and see, an invitation I +accepted with alacrity. + +With natural excitement I looked through the periscope and there she +was, unconsciously ambling to her doom like a fat sheep. + +She was a steamer (British) of about 4,000 tons, slugging home at a +steady ten knots, but she was destined to come to her last mooring +place ahead of schedule time! + +We dipped our periscope and I went forward to the tubes. Five minutes +elapsed and the order instrument bell rang, the pointer flicking to +"Stand by." I personally removed the firing gear safety pin and put the +repeat to "Ready." A breathless pause, then a slight shake and +destruction was on its way, whilst I realized by the angle of the boat +that Weissman was taking us down a few metres. + +That shows his coolness, he didn't even trouble to watch his shot. + +Anxiously I watch the second hand of my stop watch. Weissman had told +me the range would be about 500 metres--30 seconds--31--32--33--has he +missed?--34--35--3--A dull rumble comes through the water and the +whole boat shakes. Hurra! we have hit, and the order "Surface" comes +along the voice pipe. + +The cheerful voice of the blower is heard, evacuating the tanks; I run +to the conning tower and closely follow Weissman up the ladder. At last +I am on the bridge. There she is! What a sight! + +I feel that I shall never forget what she looked like, though, if all +goes well, I shall see many another fine ship go to her grave. + +But she was my first; I felt the same sensation when, as a boy, I shot +my first roe-deer in the Black Forest, one instant a living thing +beautiful to perfection, the next my rifle spoke and a bleeding carcase +lay beneath the fine trees. So with this ship. I am a sailor, and to +every sailor every ship that floats has, as it were, a soul, a +personality, an entity; to carry the analogy further, a merchant craft +is like some fat beast of utility, an ox, a cow, or a sheep, whilst a +warship is a lion if she is a battleship, a leopard if she is a light +cruiser, etc.; in all cases worthy game. + +But War has little use for sentimentality! and in my usual wandering +manner I see that I have meandered from the point and quite forgotten +what she did look like. + +What I saw was this: + +I saw that the steamer had been hit forward on the starboard side. The +upper portion of the stem piece was almost down to the water level, her +foremost hold was obviously filling rapidly. Her stern was high out of +water, the red ensign of England flapping impotently on the ensign +staff. Her propeller, which was still slowly revolving, thrashed the +water, and this heightened the impression that I was watching the +struggles of a dying animal. The propeller was revolving in spasmodic +jerks, due, I imagine, to the fast failing steam only forcing the +cranks over their dead centres with an effort. + +A boat was being lowered with haste from the two davits abreast the +funnel on one side, but when she was full of men and, due to the angle +of the ship, well down by the bow, someone inboard let go the foremost +fall or else it broke, for the bows of the boat fell downwards and half +a dozen figures were projected in grotesque attitudes into the sea. For +a few seconds the boat swung backwards and forwards, like a pendulum. + +When she came to rest, hanging vertically downwards from the stern, I +noticed that a few men were still clinging like flies to her thwarts. +Truly, anything is better than the Atlantic in winter. Meanwhile the +ship had ceased to sink as far as outward signs went. + +I mentioned this to Von Weissman, who was at my side with a slight +smile on his face, amused doubtless at the eagerness with which I +watched every detail of this, to me, novel tragedy. He answered me that +I need not worry, that she was being supported by an air lock somewhere +forward, that the water was slowly creeping into her and her boilers +would probably soon go. + +This remarkable man was absolutely correct. + +There was an interval of about five minutes, during which another boat, +evidently successfully lowered from the other side, came round her +stern, picked up one or two men from the water and also collected the +survivors in the hanging boat; then the steamer suddenly sank another +two feet, there was a dull rumbling, as of heavy machinery falling from +a height, a muffled report, a cloud of steam and smoke, a sucking noise +and then a pool in the water, in the middle of which odd bits of wood +and other buoyant debris kept on bobbing up. Nothing else! + +No! I am wrong, there were two other things: a U-boat, representing the +might of Germany, and a whaler with perhaps twenty men in it, +representing the plight of England! + +As she went I felt hushed and solemn, it was an impressive moment; a +slight chuckle came from imperturbable Weissman; he had seen too many +go to think much of it, and he gave an order for the helm to be put +over, so that we might approach the whaler. + +They were horribly overcrowded, and were engaged in trying to sort +themselves into some sort of order. We passed by them at 50 yards and +Weissman, seizing his megaphone, shouted in English: "Goodbye! steer +west for America!" A cold horror gripped my heart. It was an awful +moment. I dare not write the thoughts that entered my head. + +I turned away my head and faced aft, that he should not see my face; +looking back I saw the whaler rocking dangerously in our wash, and then +a commotion took place in her stern, from which a huge bearded man +arose and, shaking his fist in our direction, shouted something or +other before his companions pulled him down. + +Von Weissman heard and his lips narrowed in. I held my breath in +suspense, but he evidently decided against what he had been about to +do, for with the order, "Course north! ten knots," he went below. + +I remained on deck watching the rapidly receding whaler through my +glasses until she was a mere speck--alone on the ocean, 150 miles from +land, Then the navigator came up, and with strangely mixed feelings of +exultant joy and depressing sorrow I went below. + +Von Weissman was in the wardroom. I watched him unobserved. He was +humming a tune to himself and had just completed putting a green dot on +the chart. This done he lay back on the settee and closed his +eyes--strange, insoluble man! + +For long hours I could not forget that whaler; I see it now as I write. +I suppose I shall get used to it all. What would Zoe say? + +The most wonderful thing about man is that he can stand the strain of +his own invention of modern war! + + * * * * * + +I am rather tired to-night, but must just jot down briefly what has +taken place to-day, as there is never any time in the daylight hours. + +Soon after dawn, at about 8 a.m., we sighted a fair-sized steamer of +about 3,000 tons, which we sunk, but I cannot say what she looked like, +or whether anyone escaped, as we never came to the surface at all, Von +Weissman sighting smoke on the western horizon just as he hit her. We +accordingly steered in that direction. However, I think she went almost +at once as Von Weissman put a dot (black) on the chart as we made +towards number 3. + +I very much wanted to know whether there were any survivors, but I did +not like to ask him at the time and he has been in such an infernal +temper ever since that I haven't had a suitable opportunity. + +The cause of his rage was as follows: + +Steamer number 3 turned out to be a fine fat chap (of the Clan Line, +Von Weissman said, when we first sighted her). We moved in to attack +and fired our port bow tube. I waited in vain by the tubes for the +expected explosion--nothing happened, but after a couple of minutes a +snarl came down the voice pipe: "Surface, GUN ACTION STATIONS!" + +I ran aft, and found the Captain white with rage. + +"Missed ahead!" he said, with intense feeling, "I'll have to use that +confounded gun." + +In about three minutes the Captain and myself were on the bridge and +the crew were at their stations round the gun. + +For the first time I saw the ship; she was stern on and apparently +painted with black and white stripes. As I examined her through +glasses--she was distant about 3,000 yards--I saw a flash aboard her +and a few seconds later a projectile moaned overhead and fell about +6,000 yards over. So she is armed, thought I, and she has actually +opened fire on us first. + +The effect of this unexpected retort on the part of the Englishman was +to throw Weissman into a paroxysm of rage. + +"Why don't you fire? What the devil are you waiting for?" etc., etc., +were some of the remarks he flung at the gun crew. + +I did not consider it advisable to mention to him that they were +probably waiting his order to fire, and also his orders for range and +deflection, as I had imagined that, here as everywhere else, an officer +controls the gun-fire. Apparently in this boat it is not so, as +Weissman takes so little interest in his gun that he affects to be, or +else actually is, ignorant of the elements of gun control. + +At any rate, under the lash of his tongue, the gun's crew soon got into +action, the gun-layer taking charge. Our first shot was short, very +considerably so, as was also the second. Meanwhile the steamer had been +keeping up a very creditably controlled rate of fire, straddling us +twice, but missing for deflection, as was natural considering that we +were bows on to her. + +I felt thoroughly in my element listening to the significant wail of +the enemy's shell, punctuated by the ear-splitting report of our own +gun. Weissman, gripping the rail with both hands, and to my surprise +ducking when one went overhead, watched the target with a fixed +expression, but made no attempt to control our gun-fire, which was far +from creditable, as is inevitable when it is left to the mercy of the +inferior intellect of a seaman. + +However, at the tenth or eleventh round we hit her in the upper works, +as was shown by a bright red and yellow flash near her funnel. This did +not check her firing or speed in the least, in fact she seemed to be +gaining on us. She also began to zigzag slightly and throw smoke bombs +overboard, which were not so effective from her point of view as I had +thought they would be. + +Matters were thus for some minutes. We had just hit her aft for the +second time, though the shooting was so disgustingly bad that I was +about to ask whether I might do the duties of control officer, when +there was a blinding flash and the air seemed filled with moaning +fragments. When I had recovered from my relief from finding that I was +personally uninjured, I observed that two of the gun's crew were +wounded and one was lying, either killed or seriously wounded, on the +casing. We had been hit in the casing, well forward, and, as was +subsequently proved when we dived, little material damage was caused to +the boat. + +This enemy success caused a temporary cessation of fire. The two +wounded men were cautiously making their way aft to the conning tower, +and I called for a couple of stokers to come up and carry away the +third, when Von Weissman suddenly gave the order to dive. The gun's +crew at once made a rush for the conning tower, and were down the hatch +in a trice, one of the wounded men fainting at the bottom. + +I was unaware as to the reason of this order to dive, and thought that +perhaps the Captain had sighted a periscope. As I was turning to +precede him down the conning tower hatch I distinctly saw the man lying +by the gun lift his hand. I felt I could not leave him there, and +instinctively cried, "He is still alive!" But Von Weissman, who was +urging the crew to hurry down the hatch, pressed the diving alarm as +soon as the last sailor was half in the hatch. + +I knew that this meant that the boat would be under in 30 to 40 +seconds, so I had no alternative but to get down the hatch as quickly +as possible. + +I did so with reluctance, and I was followed by Von Weissman, who +joined me in the upper conning tower. + +I forced myself not to look out of the conning tower scuttles during +the few seconds that elapsed as the casing slowly went under, until at +last nothing but waving green water showed at each little window. I +feared that, if I had looked, I would have seen a wounded man, stung +into activity by the cold touch of the Atlantic. Perhaps Von Weissman +read my thoughts, or else he remembered my remark concerning the man, +for he turned to me and in level tones said: + +"Have you any doubt that he was dead?" + +I hesitated a moment, and he continued: + +"By my direction you have no doubt. He _was_!" + +How brutal war is, and what a perfect exponent of the art the Captain +proves himself to be! To me a life is a life, a particle of the thing +divine; to him a life is a unit, and a half-maimed and probably dying +seaman is as nothing in the scales when the safety of a U-boat is at +stake. The seamen are numbered in their tens of thousands, the U-boats +in their tens. The steamer had hit us once, luckily only in the casing, +a second hit might well have punctured the pressure hull, and our fate +in these waters would have been certain. Therefore, having summed these +things up and balanced them in his mind, he dived and the sailor died. + +Once below water Von Weissman seemed more his imperturbable self, and +unless I am mistaken he is never really happy on the surface, at least +when in action. He is a true water mole. + + * * * * * + +A day full of interest, though once again I have had to force myself to +absorb the horrors of War. I imagine that I am now going through the +experiences of a new arrival on the Western Front, who feels a desire +to shudder at the sight of every corpse. + +At 10 a.m. this morning we sighted the topsails of a sailing boat to +the southwest. Closing her on the surface, we approached to within +about 6,000 metres, when suddenly Von Weissman ordered "Gun Action +Stations." + +The gun crew came tumbling up, but not quick enough to suit him, for as +they were mustering at the gun he gave the order to dive, only, +however, taking her down to periscope depth before instantly ordering +surface and then "Gun Action Stations" again. This time we opened fire +on the ship, which was a Norwegian barque and, being in the barred +zone, liable to destruction. + +Von Weissman had announced overnight that at the first opportunity he +would give "that ---- gun's crew a bellyful of practice," and he +certainly did. As soon as the first shot was fired, she backed her +topsails, and when our fourth shot struck her, somewhere near the foot +of the foremast, her crew could be seen hastily abandoning their ship. + +This action on their part had no influence with Von Weissman, who had +taken personal charge of the helm, and, with the engines running at +three-quarter speed, he was zigzagging about, to make it harder for the +gun's crew. Every now and then he flung a gibe at the crew, such as +suggesting that they should go back to the High Seas Fleet and learn +how to shoot. + +The sailing ship was soon on fire, for, considering the circumstances, +the shooting was very fair, though had I been controlling it I could +have confidently guaranteed better results. When she was blazing nicely +fore and aft, Von Weissman ordered the practice to cease, and sent the +crew below. He then ordered course south, speed ten knots, and I took +over the watch. + +An hour and a half later, when the navigator gave me a spell, a black +cloud on the northern horizon marked the funeral pyre of another of our +victims. When I went below, the Captain had just finished playing with +his precious old chart. + + * * * * * + +We received a message at 2 a.m. last night from Heligoland to return +forthwith; it is now 2 a.m. and we are approaching the redoubtable +Dover Barrage. We had no trouble coming up channel to-day, which seems +singularly empty, at any rate in mid-channel, where we were. + + * * * * * + +We got back about three hours ago, and as I was appointed temporary to +the boat, Von Weissman kindly allowed me to leave her and come up to +Bruges as soon as we got into the shelters at Zeebrugge. + +I got up here just, in time for a late dinner. Hunger satisfied, I +retired to my room and, needless to say, at once rang up my darling +Zoe. + +By the mercy of providence she was in, but imagine my sensations when I +heard that that accursed swine of a Colonel was also back from the +front, and expected in at the flat at any moment, being then, she +thought, engaged in his after dinner drinking bouts at the cavalry +officers' club. I could only groan. + +A laugh at the other end stung me to furious rage, appeased in an +instant by her soothing tones as she told me that I should be glad to +hear that he was only up from the Somme on a four-days leave, and was +returning next morning by the 8 a.m. troop train. Glad! I could have +danced for joy. I breathed again. + +As the Colonel was expected back at any moment she thought it advisable +to terminate the conversation, which was done with obvious reluctance +on her part, or so I flatter myself. + +He goes to-morrow, so far so good, but what of the intervening period? + +Could any more refined torture be imagined than that I, who love her as +I love my own soul, should have to sit here, whilst scarcely a mile +away, probably at this very moment as I write, that gross brute is +privileged to kiss her, to look at her, to--oh! it's unbearable. When I +think of that hog, for though I've never seen him, I've seen his +photograph, and I know instinctively that he _is_ gross, fresh, as she +says, from a drinking bout, should at this moment be permitted to raise +his pigs' eyes and look into those glorious wells of violet light; when +I think that his is the privilege to see those masses of black hair +fall in uncontrolled splendour, then I understand to the full the deep +pleasures of murder. + +I would give anything to destroy this man, and could shake the +Englishman by the hand who fires the delivering bullet! + +Steady! Steady! What do I write? No! I mean it, every word of it. Yet +of all the mysteries, and to me Zoe is a mass of them, surely the +strangest of all is contained in the question: Why does she live with +him? + +She doesn't love him, she's practically told me so. In fact, I know she +doesn't. Let me reason it out by logic. She lives with him, whether +voluntarily or involuntarily. Suppose it be voluntarily, then her +reasons must be (a) Love; (b) Fascination; (c) Some secret reason. If +she is living with him involuntarily it must be: (d) He has a hold on +her; (e) For financial reasons. + +I strike out at once (a) and (e), for in the case of (e) she knows well +that I would provide for her, and (a) I refuse to admit, (b) is hardly +credible--I eliminate that. I am left with (c) and (d) which might be +the same thing. But what hold can he have on her; she can't have a +past, she is too young and sweet for that. + +I must find out about this before I go to sea again. + + * * * * * + +Three days ago, I was racking my brains for the solution of a problem, +and, as I see from what I wrote, I was somewhat outside myself. In the +interval things have taken an amazing turn. I am still bewildered--but +I must put it all down from the beginning. + +The Colonel left as she said he would, and I went round to lunch with +her. + +We had a delightful _tête-à -tête_, and after lunch she played the +piano. I was feeling in splendid voice and she accompanied me to +perfection in Tchaikowsky's "To the Forest," always a favourite of +mine. As the last chords died away, Zoe jumped up from the piano and, +with eyes dancing with excitement, placed her hands on my shoulders and +exclaimed: + +"Karl! I have an idea! I shall make a prisoner of you for two or three +days." + +I laughed heartily and almost told her that she had already made me a +prisoner for life, only I can never get those sort of remarks out quick +enough. + +But when she said, "No! I am not joking, I mean it," I felt there was +more meaning in her sentence than I had at first thought. I begged to +be enlightened, and she then unfolded her scheme. + +She told me for the first time, that in a forest not far from Bruges +she had a little summer-house, to which she used to retreat for +week-ends in the hot weather when the Colonel was away. He knew nothing +of this country house (she was very insistent on that point), so I +imagined she paid for it out of her dress allowance or in some other +way. The idea that had just struck her was that she had a sudden fancy +to go and spend two days there, and I was to go with her. + +I was ready to go to Africa with her if my leave permitted, and it so +happened that I was due for four days' overseas leave (limited to +Belgian territory) so that this fitted in very well, and I told her so. + +She was delighted, then, with one of those quick intuitions which women +are so clever at, she read the half-formed thought in my mind, and +said: "You mustn't think it's not going to be conventional; old Babette +will be with us to chaperon me." Old Babette is an aged female whom she +calls her maid. I think she is jealous of me. + +I agreed at once that of course I quite understood it was to be highly +conventional, etc., though I smiled to myself as I visualized my +mother's shocked face and uplifted hands had she heard my Zoe's ideas +on the conventions. + +I was trying to fathom what was at the bottom of it all when she +remarked: "Of course, as my prisoner you will have to obey all my +orders." + +I replied that this was certainly so. + +"And one of the first things," she continued, "that happens to a +prisoner when he goes through the enemy lines is that he is +blindfolded, and in the same way I shan't let you know where you are +going." + +Seeing a doubtful look in my eyes as I endeavoured to keep pace with +the underlying idea, if any, of this truly feminine fancy, she suddenly +came up to me and, lifting her eyes to mine, murmured: "Don't you trust +me?" + +In a moment my passion flared up, and rained hot kisses on her face as +she struggled to release herself from my arms. + +When I left that night after dinner, and, walking on air, returned to +the Mess, it was arranged that I should be at her flat with my +suit-case at 6 p.m. the next evening, prepared, to use her own words, +"to disappear with me for 48 hours." + +She had told me of an address in Bruges which she said would forward on +any telegram if I was recalled, and I had to be satisfied with that, +for I may as well say here that I never discovered where I went to, and +I don't know to this moment in what part of Belgium I spent the last +two nights. + +I tried to find out at first, but as she obviously attached some +importance to keeping the locality of her woodland retreat a secret, +probably to circumvent the Colonel, I soon gave up trying to get the +secret from her, and contented myself with taking things as they came. + +To go on with my account of what happened--which was really so +remarkable that I propose writing it out in detail to the best of my +memory--at 6 p.m. next day I was naturally at her flat feeling very +much as if I was on the threshold of an adventure. + +Zoe was excited and the flat was in a turmoil, as apparently she had +only just begun to pack her dressing-case. + +Soon after six we went down and got into a large Mercédès car which I +had noticed standing outside when I arrived. We were soon on our way, +and left Bruges by the Eastern barrier; we showed our passes and +proceeded into the darkened country-side. We had been running for about +a mile when she remarked, "Prisoners will now be blindfolded!" and, to +my astonishment, slipped a little black silk bag over my head. + +I was so startled I didn't know whether to be angry, or to laugh, or +what to do. Eventually I did nothing, and, entering into the spirit of +the game, declared that even a wretched prisoner had the right not to +be stifled, whereupon she lifted the lower portion of the bag and +uncovered my mouth. Shortly afterwards I was electrified to feel a pair +of soft lips meet mine, a sensation which was repeated at frequent +intervals, and, as I whispered in her ear, under these conditions I was +prepared to be taken prisoner into the jaws of hell. + +This pleasant journey had lasted for about three-quarters of an hour +when my mask was removed and I was informed that I was "inside the +enemy lines!" Through the windows of the car I could dimly see that an +apparently endless mass of fir trees were rushing past on each side. +This state of affairs continued for a kilometre or so, when we branched +to the right and soon entered a large clearing in the forest, at one +side of which stood the house. Babette, Zoe and myself entered the +building, and the car disappeared, presumably back to Bruges. + +The house, built of logs, was of two stories; on the ground floor were +two living rooms, and the domains of Babette, who amongst her other +accomplishments turned out to be not only a most capable valet, but a +first-class cook. On the second story there were two large rooms. The +whole house was furnished after the manner of a hunting lodge, with +stags' heads on the walls, and skins on the floors. In the drawing-room +there was a piano and a few etchings of the wild boar by Schaffein. + +I dressed for dinner in my "smoking," though under ordinary +circumstances I should have considered this rather formal, but I was +glad I did, for she appeared in full evening _tenue_. She wore a violet +gown, and across her forehead a black satin bandeau with a Z in +diamonds upon it. It must have cost two thousand marks, and I wondered +with a dull kind of jealousy whether the Colonel had given it to her. + +I cannot remember of what we talked during dinner. We have a hundred +subjects in common, and we look at so many aspects of the world through +the same pair of eyes; I only know that when I have been talking to her +for a period--there is no exact measurement of time for me when I am +with her--I leave her presence feeling "completed." I feel that a sort +of gap within my being has been filled, that a spiritual hunger has +been satisfied, that I have got something which I wanted, but for which +I could not have formulated the desire in words. I had resolved that on +this first night I would bring matters between us to a head and end +this delicious but intolerable uncertainty as to how we stood; yet, +when old Babette had served us with coffee in the drawing-room, as I +call the second living-room, and we were alone together, I could not +bring up the subject. Partly because I think she prevented me so doing +by that skilful shepherding of the conversation into other paths with +an artfulness with which God endows all women, and also partly because +I could not screw myself up to the pitch. I could not, or rather would +not, put my fate to the touch. I had a presentiment that in reaching +for the summit I might fall from the slope. Alas! how true was this +foreboding in some senses--but I will keep all things in their right +order. + +[Illustration: "_The track met our ram_."] + +[Illustration: In the flash I caught a glimpse of his conning tower] + +Let it only be recorded that when she kissed me good-night (with the +tenderness of a mother) and left me to smoke a final cigar I had said +nothing, and I could only wonder at the strange fate that had placed me +practically alone with a girl whom I had grown to love with a deep +emotion, and who appeared to love me, yet often behaved as if I was her +brother. + +The next day we were like two children. The snow was deep on the +ground, and the fir trees stood like thousands of sentinels in grey +uniform round the clearing. Once during the afternoon, as with Zoe's +assistance I was furiously chopping wood for the fire, a droning noise +made me look up, and thousands of metres overhead a small squadron of +aeroplanes, evidently bound for the Western Front, sailed slowly across +the sky. I thought how awkward it would be for them if they experienced +an engine failure whilst over the forest, though they were up so high +that I imagine they could have glided ten kilometres, and as I think +(but I am not certain, and I have pledged myself not to try and find +out) we were in the Forest of Montellan, which is barely fifteen +kilometres broad, I suppose they could have fallen clear of the trees. + +As a matter of fact I imagine they would have used our clearing--I'm +glad they didn't. + +That night after dinner she played to me, first Beethoven and then +Chopin. I can see her as I write; she had just finished the 14th +Prelude and, resting her chin on her hand, she smiled mysteriously at +me. + +The hour had come, and, driven by strong impulses, I spoke. I told her +that I loved her as I had never thought that a man could love a woman; +I told her that I longed to shield her and protect her, and above all +things to remove her from the clutches of that bestial Colonel, and as +I bent over her and felt my senses swim in the subtleties of her +perfume, I begged her passionately to say the word that would give me +the right to fight the world on her behalf. + +When I had finished she was silent for a long while, and I can remember +distinctly that I wondered whether she could hear the thump! thump! +thump! of my heart, which to my agitated mind seemed to beat with the +strength of a hammer. + +At length she spoke; two words came slowly from her lips: + +"I cannot." + +I was not discouraged. I could see, I could feel, that a tremendous +struggle was raging, the outward signs of which were concealed by her +averted head. + +At length I asked her point-blank whether she loved me. Her silence +gave me my answer, and I took her unresisting body into my arms and +kissed her to distraction. Oh! these kisses, how bitter they seem to me +now, and yet how I long to hold her once again. For, freeing herself +from my embrace and speaking almost mechanically, she said: + +"Karl! I must tell you. I cannot marry you." + +I pleaded, I prayed, I argued, I demanded. It was in vain; I always +came up against the immovable "I cannot." + +And then I crashed over the precipice towards whose edge I had been +blindly going. I had said for the hundredth time, "But you know you +love me," when with a sob she abandoned all reserve, and, flinging her +arms round my neck, implored me to take her. Then, as I caught my +breath, she quickly said, as if frightened that she had gone too far, +"But I cannot marry you." + +I looked down into those beautiful eyes, and for the first time I +understood. For perhaps ten seconds I battled for my soul and the +purity of our love; then, tearing my sight from those eyes which would +lure an archangel to destruction, I was once more master of my body. As +my resolution grew, I hated her for doing this thing that had wrecked +in an instant the hopes of months, the ideals on which I had begun to +build afresh my life. + +She felt the change, and left me. + +As she went out by the door she gave me one last look, a look in which +love struggled with shame, a look which no man has ever earned the +right to receive from any woman. + +But I was as a statue of marble, dazed by this calamity. + +As the door closed upon her, I started forward--it was too late. + +Had she waited another instant--but there, I write of what has happened +and not what might have been. + +I did not sleep that night, until the dawn began to separate each fir +tree from the black mass of the forest. Twice in the night, with shame +I confess it, I opened my door and looked down the little passage-way; +and twice I closed the door and threw myself upon my bed in an agony of +torment. It was ten o'clock when a knock at the door aroused me, and +the sunlight through the window-pane was tracing patterns on the floor. + +There was a note on the breakfast table, but before I opened it I knew +that, save for Babette, I was alone in the house. + +The note was brief, unaddressed and unsigned. I have it here before me; +I have meant to tear it up but I cannot. It is a weakness to keep it, +but I have lost so much in the last few days, that I will not grudge +myself some small relic of what has been. The note says: + +"I am leaving for Bruges at half-past eight, when the car was ordered +to fetch us back. I go alone. Babette will give you breakfast. The car +will return for you at eleven o'clock. I rely on your honour in that +you will not observe where you have been. Come to me when you want +me--till then, farewell." + +It was as she said, and I honourably acceded to her request. This +afternoon just before lunch I arrived in Bruges, and since tea-time I +have tried to write down what has happened since I left the day before +yesterday. Oh! how could she do it, how can it be possible that she is +a woman like that? I could have sworn that she was not like this--and +yet how can I account for her life with the Colonel? There must be some +reason, but in Heaven's name, what? + +Meanwhile I am to go to her when I want her! And that will be when I +can give her my name. But oh! Zoe, I want you now, so badly, oh! so +badly! + + * * * * * + +I saw her once to-day in the gardens, walking by herself. + + * * * * * + +I have told Max's secretary that I want to get to sea; to be here in +Bruges and not to see her is more than I can bear. + +I sail at dawn to-morrow. Shall I see her? No, it is best not. + +A frightful noise over the New Year celebrations to-night. Champagne +flowing like water in the Mess. I feel the year 1917 opens badly for +me. + +Weissman also went to sea again for a short trip in the Channel, and +has not reported for five days. Perhaps he has despised the Dover +Barrage once too often. If this is so, it is a great loss to the +service: he was a man of iron resolution in underwater attack. + +I feel I ought to despise Zoe, but I can't. I love her too much; after +all, am I not perhaps encasing myself in the robe of a Pharisee? + +She offered me all she had, save only the one thing I asked, without +which I will take nothing. I cannot reconcile her behaviour with her +character; why can't she trust me? why can't she be frank with me? I +will not believe she is that sort. + +I feel I cannot go out again without a _sign_--I may not return, and I +will not leave her, perhaps for ever, with this bitterness between us. + + * * * * * + + +At sea in U.C.47 again. Alten as surly as ever. + +I decided finally to write to Zoe, but found it difficult to know what +to say. Eventually I said more than I had intended. I told her frankly +that I experienced a shock, but that I had not meant to seem so cold, +and that what I had done had been done for both our sakes. I told her +that I still loved her, and I implored her once more to leave the +Colonel and come to me as my wife. + +Already I long to know what message awaits me on my return. + +This will not be for three days. We left at dawn this morning to lay +mines off the channel to Harwich harbour; a nest from which submarines, +cruisers and destroyers buzz in and out like wasps. It will be ticklish +work. + + + + +_On the bottom_. + + +Our mines are still with us, but so are our lives, which is something. + +We were approaching the appointed spot at 6 a.m. this morning, when +without the slightest warning the track of a torpedo was seen streaking +towards us about 50 yards on the starboard bow. + +Before Alten (who was on the bridge with me) could do more than press +the diving alarm, the track met our ram. I breathed again, and was then +reminded by an oath from Alten that the boat was diving. + +It was evident that we had only been saved by the torpedo running deep +under the cut-away part of our bow, otherwise!--well, the tangle of my +affairs would have been easily straightened. + +Further procedure on the surface was suicidal, and we kept hydrophone +patrol, twice hearing the motors of the enemy submarine. At the moment +we are on the bottom waiting to come up and charge to-night, and lay +our mines at dawn to-morrow. + + * * * * * + +On the bottom in 28 metres and feeling none too comfortable, as there +would appear to be about a dozen destroyers overhead. + +Last night, or rather early this morning, I participated in one of the +most extraordinary incidents that I have ever heard of. + +It was pitch-black dark when I took over at 4 a.m., and a fresh breeze +had raised a lumpy sea, which covered the bridge with spray. We were +charging 400 amps on each, with the intention of laying one mine +directly there was sufficient light to get a fix from some of the buoys +which the English stick down all over the place here in the most +convenient manner possible. If only one could believe they never +shifted them. Alten says it never occurs to an Englishman to do a thing +like that, but I'm not so sure. However, we were proceeding along at +about five knots, crashing into the sea rather badly, when out of the +black beastliness of the night I saw a shape close aboard on the port +hand. + +As I hesitated for a second as to my course of action, I was astounded +to see a large submarine which must have been British, on an opposite +course, not more than 25 metres away! + +This sounds absurd, but it really wasn't further. I'm not ashamed to +confess that I was completely disorganized; it did not seem possible +that the enemy was literally alongside me. + +I don't know how it struck the officer in the British boat, but I must +give him credit for doing something first, for he fired a Very's white +light straight at me as the two boats passed. It impinged on the hull, +and in the flash I caught a photographic glimpse of his conning tower, +on which was painted the letter E, followed by two numbers, of which +one was a two I think, and the other a nine. + +By this time he was on my port quarter and rapidly disappearing; in a +frenzy of rage I managed to get my revolver out, and whilst with the +left hand I pressed the diving alarm, with the right hand I emptied the +magazine in his direction. When we were down, Alten practically +refused to believe me, which made me very pleased that in descending I +had trod on a pair of hands which turned out to be his, as he had +started up the ladder to the upper conning tower when he first heard +the alarm. + +I presume our opponent dived as well, but evidently he had put two and +two together and used his aerial at some period, for when at dawn we +poked a periscope up, a flotilla of destroyers appeared to be looking +for something, which "something" was us, unless I am much mistaken; so +we bottomed, where we have been ever since. The Hydroplane Operator +keeps up a monotonous sing-song to the effect that "Fast running +propellers are either receding or approaching." The crew are collected +round the mine-tubes as I write, and are singing a lugubrious song, the +refrain of which runs: + + "Death for the Fatherland! Glorious fate, + This is the end that we gladly await." + +Why will the seamen always become morbid when possible? And there is +not a man amongst them who is not inwardly thinking of some beer-hall +in Bruges, though I suppose that like their betters they have their +romances of a tenderer kind. + + * * * * * + +The boat has been rolling about on the bottom in the most sickening +manner the whole afternoon. We flooded P and Q to capacity, which gave +her 50 tons negative, but it seems to have little effect in steadying +her, and it is evident that a really heavy gale is running on top. + + * * * * * + +Surfaced at 10 p.m.; a very heavy sea running and impossible to do much +more than heave to. This weather has one point in its favour and that +is that the destroyers are driven in. + +It got steadily worse all night, and at midnight we lost our foremost +wireless mast overboard; we have now (10 a.m.) been 48 hours without +communication. At dawn we could see nothing to fix by; not a buoy in +sight, nothing but an expanse of foam-topped short steep waves of dirty +neutral-tinted water; how different to the great green and white surges +of the broad Atlantic. + +Under these circumstances Alten decided to risk it and return without +laying our mines; for once in a way I agreed with him, as it is better +not to lay a minefield at all than dump one down in some unknown +position which one may have to traverse oneself in the course of a +month or so. We are now slowly, very slowly, struggling back to +Zeebrugge. + +A green sea came down the conning tower to-day, and everything in the +boat is damp and smelly and beastly. The propellers race at frequent +intervals and the whole boat shudders--I feel miserable. + +Alten has started to drink spirits; he began as soon as we decided to +go back. He will be incapable by to-night, and it means that I shall +have to take her in. + +What hell this is, sitting in sodden clothes, with the stench of four +days' living assaulting the nostrils, and a motion of the devil; the +glass is very low and is slowly rising, so that I suppose it will blow +harder soon, though it is about force eight at present. + +I wonder what Zoe will have written in reply to my note. When I think +of what I rejected and compare it with my beast-like existence here, I +can hardly believe that I behaved as I did--what would I not give now +to be transported back to the forest! At this rate of progress we shall +take another 24 hours. I wonder if I can knock another half-knot out of +her without smashing her up. + + * * * * * + +The extraordinarily violent motion has upset the _Anschutz_. [1] The +bearing cone of the stabilizing gyro has cracked, and the master +compass began to wander off in circles. I was just resting for an hour +or two, wedged up on a wet settee with coats equally wet, when her +heavy pitching changed to a wallowing roll, and I heard the pilot, who +was on watch, cursing down the voice-pipe, as we had sagged off our +course. + +[Footnote 1: Gyroscopic compass.--ETIENNE.] + +I heard the voice of the helmsman querulously maintain that he was +steering his course by _Anschutz_, so I got up and gingerly clawed my +way into the control room, where I found by comparing _Anschutz_ with +magnetic that the former had gone to hell, the reason being obvious, as +the stabilizer was exerting a strongly biased torque. I stopped the +_Anschutz_ and asked the pilot to give the helmsman a steady by +magnetic. + +As we staggered back to our course I heard a thud in the wardroom, and +on returning to my settee found that Alten had rolled out of his bunk, +where he was lying in a drunken stupor, and that he was face downwards, +sprawling on the deck, half his face in the broken half of a dirty dish +which had fallen off the table whilst I was having tea. As I couldn't +let the crew see him like this, I was obliged to struggle and get him +back into his bunk. He was like a log and absolutely incapable of +rendering me any assistance, though he did open his eyes and mutter +once or twice as I lifted him up, trunk first and then his legs. He +stank of spirits and I hated touching him. Lord! what a truly hoggish +man he is; yet I cannot help envying him his oblivion to these +surroundings. + + * * * * * + + + +Arrived in, this afternoon. + + +Alten quite slept off his drink, and was offensively sarcastic as I +worked on the forepart with wires, getting her into the shelters +alongside the mole. + +I hastened up to Bruges, and in the Mess heard several items of news +and found two letters. The first, in a well-known handwriting, I opened +eagerly, but received a chill of disappointment when I read its single +line. + +"I am here when you want me.--Z." + +So she thinks to break my resolution! + +No! I am stronger than she, and, now that I know she loves me, I can +and will bend her to my will. Even now, at this distance of time, I can +hardly understand my conduct the other day. I must have been given the +strength of ten. I feel that I could not do it again; had she hesitated +a second longer at the door--well, I can hardly say what I would have +done. + +It is my duty to do so, for her sake and my own. But I know my +weakness, and in this fact lies my strength. Cost what it may, I shall +not permit myself to go near her until she yields. + +The second letter gave me a great surprise. It was from Rosa. She has +passed some examination, and is coming _here_ of all places as a Red +Cross nurse. She says she is looking forward to going round a U-boat! +She assumes a good deal, I must say, still, I suppose I must be polite +to her; but why the deuce does she sign herself "Yours, Rosa?" She's +not mine, and I don't want her; it seems funny to me that I once +thought of her vaguely in that sort of way. Now, I feel rather +disturbed that she is coming here, though I don't quite see why I +should worry, and yet I wonder if it is a coincidence her coming to +Bruges? + +I'm almost inclined to think it isn't. After all, every girl wants to +get married, and without conceit my family, circumstances and, in the +privacy of the pages of this journal I may add, my personal +appearances, are such as would appeal to most girls--except Zoe, +apparently! + +I'll have to be on my guard against Miss Rosa. + +I heard to-day that I am likely to be appointed to the periscope school +in a few weeks' time, and meanwhile I am to be attached as +supernumerary to the operations division on old Max's staff. + + * * * * * + +The work here is most interesting. I feel glad that I am one of the +spiders weaving the web for Britain's destruction. + +The impasse with Zoe still continues, and my peace of mind has been +still further disturbed by the actual arrival of Rosa. She rang me up +within twelve hours of her arrival, and, of course, I was obliged to +call. That was the day before yesterday. Rosa is at the No. 3 Hospital +here, and was horribly effusive. Some people would, I suppose, call her +good-looking, but to me, with my mind's-eye in perpetual contemplation +of my darling Zoe, Rosa looked like a turnip. Her first movement after +the preliminary greetings was to offer me a cigarette! I then noticed +that her fingers were stained with nicotine, unpleasant in a man, +disgusting in a woman. + +Her nose was shiny and greasy--horrible. After a little talk she +volunteered the statement that yesterday was her afternoon off, and she +was simply longing to have tea in the gardens. + +I endeavoured to make some feeble excuse on the grounds of the weather +being unsuitable, but I am no good at these social lies, and I was +eventually obliged to promise to take her there. I was the more annoyed +in that her main object was obviously to be seen walking with a U-boat +officer. + +Accordingly, yesterday, I found myself walking about with her at my +side. My feelings can better be imagined than described when I suddenly +saw Zoe, accompanied by Babette, in the distance. I hastily altered +course, and pray she didn't see me. + +In the course of the afternoon Rosa had the impertinence to say that at +Frankfurt they were saying that I was interested in a beautiful widow +at Bruges, and could she (Rosa) write and say I was heart-whole, or +else what the girl was like. I'm afraid that I lost my temper a little, +and I told Rosa she could write to all the busybodies at home and tell +them from me to go to the devil. + +These women in the home circle, and especially aunts, are always the +same; firstly, they badger one to get married, and then if they think +one is contemplating such a step they are all agog to find out whether +she is suitable! + + * * * * * + +Three more boats, two of which are U.C.'s, are overdue. It is +distinctly unpleasant not knowing how or where they go, though the U.B. +boat (Friederich Althofen) made her incoming position the day before +yesterday as off Dungeness, so it looks as if the barrage at Dover +which got Weissman has got Althofen as well. I wonder what new devilry +they have put down there. + +How one wishes that in 1914, instead of seeking the capture of Paris, +we had realized the importance of the Channel Ports to England, and +struck for them! + +It would not have been necessary to strike even in September, 1914. We +could have walked into them. Dunkirk, at all events, should have been +ours; however, we must do the best with things as they are, not that I +would consider it too late even now to make a big push for the French +coast. + +It would seem, as a matter of fact, that all the pushing is to be at +the other end of the line, in the Verdun sector, from the rumours I +hear, though I should have thought once bitten twice shy in that +quarter. + + * * * * * + +Saw Zoe again in the distance, and I think she saw me; at all events +she turned round and walked away. + +This girl whom I cannot, and would not if I could, obliterate from my +thoughts, is causing me much worry. + +She shows no sign of giving in, and I for one intend to be adamant. I +shall defeat her in time. The male intellect is always ultimately +victorious, other things being equal. I was reading Schopenhauer on the +subject last night. What a brain that man had, though I confess his +analysis of the female mentality is so terribly and truthfully cruel +that it jars on certain of my feelings. + +Zoe's resolution in this conflict, this sex war one might call it, only +adds to her charm in my eyes; she is, I feel, a worthy mate for me, +both intellectually and physically, and she shall be mine--I have +decided it. + +Met Rosa to-day at old Max's house, where I went to pay a duty call. + +Her Excellency is as forbidding a specimen of her sex as any I have +ever met. She quite frightened me, and in the home circle the old man +seemed quite subdued. + +I escorted Rosa home, and on the way to her hospital she gave me a +great surprise, as after much evasive talk she suddenly came out with +the news that she was engaged to Heinrich Baumer, of U.C.23. I was +quite taken aback, and will frankly confess that not so very long ago I +imagined, evidently erroneously, that she was disposed to let her +affections become engaged in another quarter. However, I was really +very glad to hear this news, and congratulated her with genuine +feeling. + +The knowledge that she was a promised woman quite altered my feelings +towards her, and before I quite meant to, I had told her a considerable +amount about Zoe. It gave me much relief to be able to unburden myself, +and confide my difficulties elsewhere than in the pages of this +journal. + +I have asked the girl to tea to-morrow. + + * * * * * + +A vile air raid last night. British machines, of course. They seemed +determined to get over the town, and from 1 a.m. to 3 a.m. relays of +machines (of which not _one_ was shot down) attacked us. The din was +tremendous, and all sleep was out of the question. + +Morning revealed surprisingly little damage, as is often the case in +these big raids, whereas a few bombs from a chance machine often work +havoc. I was down at 50 B.C. aerodrome this morning, and heard that as +soon as the moon suits we are going to make Dunkirk sit up as +retaliation for last night's efforts. There were also rumours of big +attacks impending on London as soon as the new type of Gothas are +delivered. That will shake the smug security of those cursed islanders. + +Rosa came to tea, and afterwards I told her more about Zoe, and as I +expect any day to be appointed to the periscope school at Kiel, I asked +Rosa to try and effect an introduction to Zoe, and do what she could +for me. Rosa gave me the impression that she was somewhat surprised +that I should have had any difficulty with Zoe (of course I had not +told her of the shooting-box scene). Rosa evidently thinks any woman +ought to be honoured.... + +Perhaps I was not so far wrong in my surmises as to Rosa's previous +inclinations--I wonder; at any rate she will undoubtedly make Baumer a +good wife, and she will probably be very fruitful and grow still fatter +and housewifely. She is of a type of woman appointed by God in his +foresight as breeders. Zoe, my adorable one, will probably not take +kindly to babies. + + * * * * * + +I am ordered to report myself at Kiel by next Monday. + +I am terribly tempted to ring up Zoe on the telephone before I leave: +it seems dreadful to leave her without a word; but at the same time I +feel that she would interpret this as a sign of weakness on my part--as +indeed it would be. I must be firm, for strength of mind pays with +women, even more than with men. + + + + +_At Kiel_. + + +I left Bruges without a word either to or from my obstinate darling. + +It is torture being away from her. I had thought that when I was here +and not exposed to the temptation of going round and seeing her, that +it would be easier; it is not. I long to write, and how I wonder +whether she is feeling it as I do. + +I have read somewhere that a woman's passion once aroused is more +ungovernable than a man's. That her whole being cries aloud for me +cannot be doubted, and if the above statement is true what +inflexibility of will she must be showing--it almost makes me fear--but +no, I will defeat her in this strange contest, and she shall be my +wife. + +The work here is strenuous, and the grass does not grow under one's +feet. The course for commanding officers lasts four weeks, and +terminates in an exceedingly practical but rather fearsome test--i.e., +they have six steamers here camouflaged after the English fashion with +dazzle painting, and these six steamers, protected by launches and +harbour defence craft, steam across Kiel Bay in the manner of a convoy. +The officer being examined has to attack this group of ships in one of +the instructional submarines, and in three attacks he must score at +least two hits, or else, in theory, he is returned to general service +in the Fleet. + +Fortunately at the moment I hear that owing to recent losses they are +distinctly on the short side where submarine officers are concerned, so +they'll probably make it easy when I do my test. + + * * * * * + +I see I have written nothing here for a fortnight; this is due to two +causes: Firstly, I have been so extraordinarily busy, and, secondly, I +have been most depressed through a letter I received from Fritz. It +contained two items of bad news. + +In the first place, I heard for the first time of the tragedy of +Heinrich Baumer's boat, and to my astonishment Fritz tells me that Rosa +and another girl were in her when she was lost! + +It appears that she was to go out for a couple of hours' diving off the +port as a matter of routine after her two months' overhaul. She went +out at 10 a.m., and was sighted from the signal station at the end of +the mole at 11.30, when almost immediately afterwards there was an +explosion and she disappeared. Motor-boats were quickly on the scene, +but only debris came to the surface. Divers were sent down, and +reported that she was in ten metres of water completely shattered. It +is assumed, for lack of other explanation, that she struck a chance +drifting mine which was moving down the coast on the tide. + +Meanwhile Rosa and another sister were missing from the hospital, and +after forty-eight hours someone put two and two together and started +investigations. It has been ascertained that Baumer motored down from +Bruges after breakfast, and that in the car were two figures taken to +be sailors, as they were muffled up in oilskins. This fact was noted by +the control sentries, as, though the day was showery, it was not +raining hard. Other scraps of evidence unite in showing that these were +the two girls who had apparently induced Baumer to take them out for a +dive as a treat. + +What a tragedy! However, it must have been quite instantaneous. Poor +Rosa, with all her vanities about war work, to think that the war would +claim her like that! [1] + +[Footnote 1: It is known that a boat with women on board was lost +whilst exercising off Zeebrugge in the Spring of 1917. This would +appear to be the boat in question.--ETIENNE.] + +Fritz added that old Max is almost off his head with rage over the +whole business, and it is difficult to say whether he is more angry +over Baumer and the boat being lost, or over the fact that Baumer being +dead he is unable to administer those "disciplinary actions" in which +he delights. + + * * * * * + +Great excitement here, as the day after to-morrow His Imperial Majesty +the Kaiser and Hindenburg are due to pay Kiel a surprise visit. We are +to be inspected and addressed. Tremendous preparations are going on. + + * * * * * + +His Majesty, accompanied by the great Field-Marshal, inspected us this +morning, and made a fine speech, of which we have been given printed +copies. I shall frame mine and hang it in my boat, if I get a command. + +I transcribe it: + +"Officers and men of the U-boat service: + +"In the midst of the anxious moments in which we live I have determined +to make time to come and witness in my own person the labours of those +on whom I and the Fatherland rely. Fresh from the great battles on the +West which are gnawing at the vitals of our hereditary enemies, I come +to those whose glorious mission it will be to strike relentlessly at +our most deadly and cunning enemy--cursed Britain. God is on our side +and will protect you at sea for, in the striking at the nation which +openly boasts that it aims at starving our women and children, you are +engaged on a mission of undoubted holiness. + +"You must sink and destroy even as of old the Israelites smote and +destroyed the alien races. + +"To the officers I would particularly say, my person is your honour, +and I am your supreme chief. From my hands you will receive honour, and +from my hands will proceed just punishment for the unhappy ones who +fail in their duty. + +"To the men I would say, trust and obey your officers as you would your +God. Officers and men! In you, your Kaiser and Fatherland place their +trust--let neither be disappointed!" + +After his address, His Majesty graciously spoke a few words to +individuals, of whom I had the signal honour of being one. I felt that +I was in the presence of an Emperor. His gestures, his eyes, his voice, +impressed me as belonging to a man born to command and to fill high +places. The Field-Marshal never opened his mouth. I understand from his +A.D.C. that he rarely speaks in public. + + * * * * * + +The Colonel is KILLED! When I think about it, I am so excited I can +hardly write! + +I heard the great news last night, quite by accident. I was sitting in +the Mess after dinner, and picked up _Die Woche_, and glancing at the +pictures, I suddenly saw the portrait of Colonel Stein, of the +Brandenburgers, killed on the 7th instant near Ypres. I recognized the +ugly and bloated face immediately from the photograph of him which she +had once shown me. + +My first impulse was to send her a wire, but, on thinking matters over, +I decided that it would be difficult to put all my thoughts into the +curt sentences of a telegram, and, further, that as all wires are +doubtless examined at the Main Post Office at Bruges, it might lead to +trouble, so I wrote her a letter. + +This, in a way, has been an exhibition of weakness on my part, as I had +promised myself that I would not take the first step in reopening +communication; but I feel that the fortunate death of Stein has +completely altered the case. I told her in the letter that I realized +that I had made mistakes, but that if she still loved me with half the +strength that I loved her, then a telegram to me would make me the +happiest of men. + +I wrote that yesterday, but have had no wire. Perhaps, like me, she +distrusts telegrams and prefers letters. + + * * * * * + +A long letter from Zoe: an accursed letter--an abominable letter--a +damnable letter; she still refuses to marry me. I leave for Bruges +to-night on forty-eight hours' special leave. + + + + +_Kiel, 17th._ + + +I hate Zoe, she has broken my heart. + +After her preposterous letter of the 14th, I decided that in a matter +which so closely affected my happiness no stone ought to remain +unturned to ensure a satisfactory solution of the problem, so I +determined to have a personal interview. I arrived at Bruges after tea +and went at once to the flat. + +I tackled her immediately on the subject of her letter, and told her +that naturally I understood that a decent interval must elapse before +we married; but, granted this fact, I told her that I failed to see +what prevented our marriage. + +A most unpleasant and harrowing scene ensued, the details of which form +such painful recollections that I really cannot write them down here, +though in the passage of months I have acquired the habit of writing in +the pages of this journal with the same freedom as I would talk to that +wife whom I had hoped to possess. She maintained an obstinate silence +when I urged her to give me at least some tangible reason as to why she +would not marry me. She contented herself and maddened me by reflecting +in a kind of monotone: "I love you, Karl! and am yours, but I cannot +marry you." + +I could have beaten her till she was senseless, but I had enough sense +to realize that with Zoe, whose resolution, considering she is a woman, +amazes me, force is not the best method. As I continued to press her +(time was important: had I not journeyed far to see her?), those +glorious eyes of hers, which I love and whose power I dread, filled +with tears. I was a brute! I was heartless! I was inconsiderate! I +could not love her! I was cruel! And I know not what other accusation +crushed me down. + +Broken-hearted and dispirited, I told her to choose there and then. + +She collapsed on to a sofa in a storm of tears, and after a severe +mental struggle I took the only possible course, and leaving the +room--left her for ever. I have resumed my service life determined to +cast her out from my mind. + +I will not deceive myself: it will be hard. Love and Logic are deadly +enemies, but Logic must and shall prevail. Though I have seen her for +the last time, I cannot escape the net of fascination which the girl +has thrown over me. Perhaps in the course of time I shall slowly emerge +and free myself from its entanglements. At present I hate her for this +blow she has dealt me, and yet, O Zoe! my darling, how I long to be +with you! + + * * * * * + +To-day I went through my final test for qualification as U-boat +commander. + +At 9 a.m. I proceeded to sea in command of the U.11, one of the +instructional boats here. We proceeded out into Kiel Bay. On board and +watching my every movement was a committee consisting of a commander +and two lieutenant-commanders. + +On arrival at the entrance lightship, I was ordered to attack a convoy +of camouflaged ships which were just visible about fifteen kilometres +away off the Spit Bank. I had a very shrewd idea as to the course they +would steer, and on coming up for my final observation I found myself +in an excellent position, 1,000 metres on the bow of the leading ship. +The rest was easy. I gave the leader the two bow torpedoes, and, +turning sixteen points, fired my stern tube at the third ship of the +line. Two hits were obtained, and I returned to harbour well pleased +with myself. There is not the slightest chance of having failed to +qualify. + + * * * * * + +My confidence in myself was not misplaced; I heard to-day that I am on +the command list, and anticipate in a few days being appointed to a +boat. I wonder which craft I shall get? + + * * * * * + +I met the A.D.C. to the Chief of the Staff at the school, at the +gardens, and in conversation with him discovered that he had heard that +three boats were being detached from the Flanders flotilla for an +unknown destination. This has given me an idea, for I feel that I can +never return to Bruges, and I was rather dreading being appointed to +one of the boats there. I have dropped a line to Fritz Regels, who is +on old Max's staff, and told him that I do not wish to return to +Bruges, and I further hinted that I understood a detached squadron was +proceeding somewhere, and, as far as I was concerned, the further the +better, if I could get into it. + +I have tried the night life at this place at the Mascotte and +Trocadero, [1] in order to forget, but it is a poor consolation. + +[Footnote 1: Two well-known cabarets at Kiel.--ETIENNE.] + + * * * * * + +A letter from Fritz, saying that he has an idea that Korting's boat +would suit me, though he could not of course give me further details in +a letter; however, he informs me positively that I shall not be at +Bruges. + +On the strength of this I have wired to Fritz, and asked him to try and +fix up an exchange between me and Korting, provided the latter is +agreeable and the people in Max's office have no objection. I have a +recollection that Korting's boat is one of the U.40--U.60 class, which +would suit me admirably, and, as for destination, I care not where it +is, provided only that it be far from Bruges. + + + + +_At sea_. + + +I have quite neglected my poor old journal for several weeks. But I +have passed through an extraordinarily busy period. + +It was approved that I should relieve Korting, whose boat, the U.59, I +discovered to be refitting at Wilhelmshaven. I was very pleased not to +go back to Bruges, though as we steam steadily north at this moment I +cannot escape a sense of deep disappointment that upon my return from +this trip I shall not enjoy as of old the fascination of Zoe. But I +shall have plenty of time to get accustomed to this idea, for this is +no ordinary trip. + +We are bound for the North Cape and Murman Coast, where we remain until +well into the cold weather--at any rate, for three months. + +Our mission is to work off that fogbound and desolate coast, and attack +the constant stream of traffic between England and Archangel. There are +two other boats besides ourselves on the job, but we shall all be +working far apart. + +Our first billet is off the North Cape. In order to save time, we are +to be provisioned once a month in one of the fjords. I don't imagine +the Admiralty will have any difficulty in getting supplies up to us, as +at the moment we are off the Lofotens, and we actually have not had to +dive since we left the Bight! + +There seems to be nothing on the sea except ourselves. Where is the +much vaunted and impenetrable web of blockade which the English are +supposed to have spread around us? And yet many raw materials are +getting very short with us. I see that in this boat they have replaced +several copper pipes with steel ones during her refit, and this will +lead to trouble unless we are careful--steel pipes corrode so badly +that I never feel ready to trust them for pressure work. + +The truth about the blockade is that it is largely a paper blockade, +yet not ineffective for all that. Unfortunately for us, the damned +English and their hangers-on control the cables of the world, and hence +all the markets, and I don't suppose, to take the case of copper, that +a single pound of it is mined from the Rio Tinto without the British +Board of Trade knowing all about it. The neutral firms simply dare not +risk getting put on to the British Black List; it means ruination for +them. And then all these dollar-grabbing Yankees, enjoying all the +advantages of war without any of its dangers--they make me sick. + +This seems a most profitable job. I have only been up seven days, but +I've bagged four steamers, all by gun-fire, and all fat ships, brimful +of stuff for the Russians. My practice has been to make the North Cape +every day or two to fix position, as the currents are the most abnormal +in these parts, and I should say that the "Sailing Directions Pilotage +Handbook" and "Tidal Charts" were compiled by a gentleman at a desk who +had never visited these latitudes. + +At the moment I am standing well out to sea, as the immediate vicinity +of the North Cape has become rather unhealthy. + +Yesterday afternoon (I had sunk number four in the morning, and the +crew were still pulling for the coast) four British trawlers turned up. +These damned little craft seem to turn up wherever one goes. I longed +to have a bang at them with my gun, but, apart from the uncertainty as +to what they carried in the way of armament, I have strict orders to +avoid all that sort of thing, so I dived and steamed slowly west, came +up at dusk and proceeded to charge up my batteries. + +These U.60's are excellent boats, and I am very lucky to get one so +soon. I suppose Korting, being a married man, wants to stay near his +wife. I cannot write that word without painful memories of Zoe and idle +thoughts of what might have been. Well, perhaps it is for the best. I +am not sure that a member of the U-boat service has the right to get +married in war-time, for unless he is of exceptional mentality it must +affect his outlook under certain circumstances, though I think I should +have been an exception here. Then the anxiety to the woman must be +enormous; as every trip comes round a voice must cry within her, this +may be the last. The contrast between the times in harbour and the +trips is so violent, so shattering and clear cut. + +With a soldier's wife, she merely knows that he is at the front; with +us, at 8 p.m. one may be kissing one's wife in Bruges, and at 6 a.m. +creeping with nerves on edge through the unknown dangers of the Dover +Barrage--but I have strayed from what I meant to write about--my first +command and her crew. + +The quarters in this class are immensely superior to the U.C.-boats. +Here I have a little cabin to myself, with a knee-hole table in it. My +First Lieutenant, the Navigator and the Engineer have bunks in a room +together, and then we have a small officers' mess. + +On this job up here, as we are not to return to Germany for supplies, +and, consequently, I should say we may have to live on what we can get +out of steamers, I don't propose to use my torpedoes unless I meet a +warship or an exceptionally large steamer. + +The gun's the thing, as Arnauld de la Perrière has proved in the +Mediterranean; but half the fellows won't follow his example, simply +because they don't realize that it's no use employing the gun unless it +is used accurately, and good shooting only comes after long drill. + +I have impressed this fact on my gun crew, and particularly the two +gun-layers, and I make Voigtman (my young First Lieutenant) take the +crew through their loading drill twice a day, together with practice of +rapid manning of the gun after a "surface" or rapid abandonment of the +gun should the diving alarms sound in the middle of practice. I have +also impressed on Voigtman that I consider that he is the gun control +officer, and that I expect him to make the efficient working of the gun +his main consideration. + +As regards the crew, they are the usual mixed crowd that one gets +nowadays: half of them are old sailors, the others recruits and new +arrivals from the Fleet. My main business at the moment is to get the +youngsters into shape, and for this purpose I have been doing a number +of crash dives. It also gives me an opportunity of getting used to the +boat's peculiarities under water. She seems to have a tendency to +become tail-heavy, but this may be due to bad trimming. + +Voigtman has been in U.B.43 for nine months, and seems a capable +officer. Socially, I don't think he can boast of much descent, but he +has no airs, and treats me with pleasing respect, apart from service +considerations. + + * * * * * + +A very awkward accident took place this morning, which resulted in +severe injury to Johann Wiener, my second coxswain. + +A party of men under his direction were engaged in shifting the stern +torpedo from its tube, in order to replace it with a spare torpedo, as +I never allow any of my torpedoes to stay in the tube for more than a +week at a time owing to corrosion. The torpedo which had been in the +tube had been launched back and was on the floor plates. + +The spare torpedo, destined for the vacant tube, was hanging overhead, +when without any warning the hook on the lifting band fractured, and +the 1,000 kilogrammes' mass of metal crashed down. + +Wonderful to relate, no one was killed, but two men were badly bruised, +and Wiener has been very seriously injured. He was standing astride the +spare torpedo, and his right leg was extremely badly crushed, mostly +below the knee. + +Unfortunately it took about ten minutes to release him from his +position of terrible agony. I should have expected him to faint, but he +did not. His face went dead white, and he began to sweat freely, but +otherwise endured his ordeal with praiseworthy fortitude. + +[Illustration: "The 1,000 kilogrammes of metal crashed down."] + +[Illustration: "Good-bye! Steer west for America!"] + +[Illustration: "It is a snug anchorage and here I intend to remain."] + +I am now confronted with a perplexing situation. I cannot take him back +to Germany; I cannot even leave my station and proceed south to any of +the Norwegian ports. If I could find a neutral steamer with a doctor on +board, I would tranship him to her; but the chances of this God-send +materializing are a thousand to one in these latitudes. If I sighted a +hospital ship I would close her, but as far as I know at present there +are no hospital ships running up here. The chances of outside +assistance may therefore be reckoned as nil. Wiener's hope of life +depends on me, and I cannot make up my mind to take the step which +sooner or later must be taken--that is to say, amputation. + +It is a curious fact, but true, nevertheless, that although, as a +result of the war, men's lives, considered in quantity, seem of little +importance, when it comes to the individual case, a personal contact, a +man's life assumes all its pre-war importance. + +I feel acutely my responsibility in this matter. I see from his papers +that he is a married man with a family; this seems to make it worse. I +feel that a whole chain of people depend on me. + + * * * * * + +Since I wrote the above words this morning, Wiener has taken a decided +turn for the worse. + +I have been reading the "Medical Handbook," with reference to the +remarks on amputation, gangrene, etc., and I have also been examining +his leg. The poor devil is in great pain, and there is no doubt that +mortification has set in, as was indeed inevitable. I have decided that +he must have his last chance, and that at 8 p.m. to-night I will +endeavour to amputate. + + + + +_Midnight_. + + +I have done it--only partially successful. + + * * * * * + +Last night, in accordance with my decision, I operated on Wiener. +Voigtman assisted me. It was a terrible business, but I think it +desirable to record the details whilst they are fresh in my memory, as +a Court of Inquiry may be held later on. Voigtman and I spent the whole +afternoon in the study of such meagre details on the subject as are +available in the "Medical Handbook." We selected our knives and a saw +and sterilized them; we also disinfected our hands. + +At 7.45 I dived the boat to sixty metres, at which depth the boat was +steady. We had done our best with the wardroom-table, and upon this the +patient was placed. I decided to amputate about four inches above the +knee, where the flesh still seemed sound. I considered it impracticable +to administer an anaesthetic, owing to my absolute inexperience in this +matter. + +Three men held the patient down, as with a firm incision I began the +work. The sawing through the bone was an agonizing procedure, and I +needed all my resolution to complete the task. Up to this stage all had +gone as well as could be expected, when I suddenly went through the +last piece of bone and cut deep into the flesh on the other side. An +instantaneous gush of blood took place, and I realized that I had +unexpectedly severed the popliteal artery, before Voigtman, who was +tying the veins, was ready to deal with it. + +I endeavoured to staunch the deadly flow by nipping the vein between my +thumb and forefinger, whilst Voigtman hastily tried to tie it. Thinking +it was tied, I released it, and alas! the flow at once started again; +once more I seized the vein, and once again Voigtman tried to tie it. +Useless--we could not stop the blood. He would undoubtedly have bled to +death before our eyes, had not Voigtman cauterized the place with an +electric soldering-iron which was handy. + +Much shaken, I completed the amputation, and we dressed the stump as +well as we could. + +At the moment of writing he is still alive, but as white as snow; he +must have lost litres of blood through that artery. + + + + +9 _p.m._ + + +Wiener died two hours ago. I should say the immediate cause of death +was shock and loss of blood. I did my best. + + * * * * * + +We have been out on this extended patrol area seven days, but not a +wisp of smoke greets our eyes. + +Nothing but sea, sea, sea. Oh, how monotonous it is! I cannot make out +where the shipping has got to. Tomorrow I am going to close the North +Cape again. I think everything must be going inside me. I am too far +out here. + + * * * * * + +The North Cape bears due east. Nothing afloat in sight. Where the devil +can all the shipping be? In ten days' time I am due to meet my supply +ship; meanwhile I think I'll have to take another cast out, of three +hundred miles or so. + + * * * * * + +Nothing in sight, nothing, nothing. + +The barometer falling fast and we are in for a gale. I have decided to +make the coast again, as I don't want to fail to turn up punctually at +the rendezvous. + + * * * * * + +In the Standarak-Landholm Fjord--thank heavens. + +Heavens! we have had a time. We were still two hundred and fifty miles +from the coast when we were caught by the gale. And a gale up here is a +gale, and no second thoughts about it. To say it blew with the force of +ten thousand devils is to understate the case. The sea came on to us in +huge foaming rollers like waves of attacking infantry intent on +overwhelming us. + +We struggled east at about three knots. But she stuck it magnificently. +Low scudding clouds obscured the sky and came like a procession of +ghosts from the north-east. Sun observations were impossible for two +reasons. Firstly, no one could get on deck; secondly, there was no +visible sun. This lasted for three days, at the end of which time we +had only the vaguest idea as to where we were. + +The gale then blew out, but, contrary to all expectations, was +succeeded by a most abominable fog, thick and white like cotton-wool. +These were hardly ideal conditions under which to close a rocky and +unknown coast, but it had to be done. The trouble was that it was +entirely useless taking soundings, as the twenty-metre depth-line on +the chart went right up to the land. We crept slowly eastwards, till, +when by dead reckoning we were ten miles inside the coast, the +Navigator accidentally leant on the whistle lever; this action on his +part probably saved the ship, as an immediate echo answered the blast. +In an instant we were going full-speed astern. We altered course +sixteen points and proceeded ten miles westerly, where we lay on and +off the coast all night, cursing the fog. + +Next day it lifted, and we spent the whole time trying to find the +entrance to the S. Landholm Fjord. The coast appeared to bear no +resemblance to the chart whatsoever. + +The cliffs stand up to a height of several hundred metres, with +occasional clefts where a stream runs down. There are no trees, houses, +animals, or any signs of life, except sea birds, of which there are +myriads. The Engineer declares he saw a reindeer, but five other people +on deck failed to see any signs of the beast. + +After hours of nosing about, during which my heart was in my mouth, as +I quite expected to fetch up on a pinnacle rock, items which are +officially described in the Handbook as being "very numerous," we +rounded a bluff and got into a place which seems to answer the +description of S. Landholm. At any rate, it is a snug anchorage, and +here I intend to remain for a few days, and hope for my store-ship to +turn up. + +I've posted a daylight look-out on top of the bluff; it would be very +awkward to be caught unawares in this place, which is only about 150 +metres wide in places. + +I'm taking advantage of the rest to give the crew some exercises and +execute various minor repairs to the Diesels. + + * * * * * + +Yesterday we fought what must be one of the most remarkable single-ship +actions of the war. + +At 9 a.m. the look-out on the cliffs reported smoke to the northward. + +I got the anchor up and made ready to push off, but still kept the +look-out ashore. At 9.30 he reported a destroyer in sight, which seemed +serious if she chose to look into my particular nook. + +At any rate, I thought, I wouldn't be caught like a rat, so I got my +look-out on board--a matter of ten minutes--and then proceeded out, +trimmed down and ready for diving. + +When I drew clear of the entrance I saw the enemy distant about a +thousand metres. I at once recognized her as being one of the oldest +type of Russian torpedo boats afloat. When I established this fact, a +devil entered into my mind, and did a most foolhardy act. + +I decided that I would not retreat beneath the sea, but that I would +fight her as one service ship to another. + +When I make up my mind, I do so in no uncertain manner--indecision is +abhorrent to me--and I sharply ordered, "Gun's Crew--Action." + +I can still see the comical look of wonderment which passed over my +First Lieutenant's face, but he knows me, and did not hesitate an +instant. We drilled like a battleship, and in sixty-five seconds--I +timed it as a matter of interest--from my order we fired the first +shot. It fell short. + +Extraordinary to relate, the torpedo boat, without firing a gun, put +her helm hard over, and started to steam away at her full speed, which +I suppose was about seventeen knots. + +I actually began to chase her--a submarine chasing a torpedo boat! It +was ludicrous. + +With broad smiles on their faces, my good gun's crew rapidly fired the +gun, and we had the satisfaction of striking her once, near her after +funnel, but it did no vital damage, as a few minutes afterwards she +drew out of range! What a pack of incompetent cowards! + +They never fired a shot at us. I suppose half of them were drunk or +else in a state of semi-mutiny, for one hears strange tales of affairs +in Russia these days. + +The whole incident was quite humorous, but I realized that I had hardly +been wise, as without doubt the English will hear of this, and these +trawlers of theirs will turn up, and I'm certainly not going to try any +heroics with John Bull, who is as tough a fighter as we are. + +Meanwhile, what of the supply ship, for I'm supposed to meet her here, +and it's already twenty-four hours since yesterday's epoch-making +battle and I expect the English any moment. + + * * * * * + +My doubts were removed for me since I received special orders at noon +by high-power wireless from Nordreich, and on decoding them found that, +for some reason or other, we are ordered to proceed to Muckle Flugga +Cape, and thence down the coast of Shetlands to the Fair Island +Channel, where we are directed to cruise till further orders. Special +warning is included as to encountering friendly submarines. + +It appears to me that a special concentration of U-boats is being +ordered round about the Orkneys, and that some big scheme is on hand. + +We are now steering south-westerly to make Muckle Flugga, which I hope +to do in four days' time if the weather holds. + +These Northern waters have proved very barren of shipping in the last +few weeks, and this fact, coupled with the approaching winter weather, +which must be fiendish in these latitudes, makes me quite ready to +exchange the Archangel billet for the work round the Orkneys and +Shetlands, though this is damnable enough in the winter, in all +conscience. + +There is only one fly in the ointment, and that is that this premature +return to North Sea waters might conceivably mean a visit to Zeebrugge, +though this class are not likely to be sent there. + +Though it is many weeks since I left Zoe, I have not been able to +forget her. I continually wonder what she is doing, and often when I am +not on my guard she wanders into my thoughts. + +Whilst I am up here, it does not matter much, except that it causes me +unhappiness, but if I found myself at Bruges it would be very hard. +However, I don't suppose I shall ever see her again. + + * * * * * + +Sighted Muckle Flugga this morning, and shaped course for Fair Island. + + * * * * * + +Oh! what a hell I have passed through. I can hardly realize that I am +alive, but I am, though whether I shall be to-morrow morning is +doubtful--it all depends on the weather, and who would willingly stake +their life on North Sea weather at this time of the year? + +Curses on the man who sent us to the Fair Island Channel. Where the +devil is our Intelligence Service? If we make Flanders I have a story +to tell that will open their eyes, blind bats that they are, +luxuriating in the comfort of their fat staff jobs ashore. + +The Fair Island Channel is an English death-trap; it stinks with death. +By cursed luck we arrived there just as the English were trying one of +their new devices, and it is the devil. Exactly what the system is, I +don't quite know, and I hope never again to have to investigate it. + +For forty-seven, hours we have been hunted like a rat, and now, with +the pressure hull leaking in three places, and the boat half full of +chlorine, we are struggling back on the surface, practically incapable +of diving at least for more than ten minutes at a time. Even on the +surface, with all the fans working, one must wear a gas mask to +penetrate the fore compartment. Oh! these English, what devils they +are! + +Here is what happened: + +Fair Island was away on our port beam when we sighted a large English +trawler, which I suspected of being a patrol. To be on the safe side, I +dived and proceeded at twenty metres for about an hour. + +At 5 p.m. (approximately) I came up to periscope depth to have a look +round, but quickly dived again as I discovered a trawler, steering on +the same course as myself, about a thousand metres astern of me. This +was the more disconcerting, as in the short time at my disposal it +seemed to me that she was remarkably similar to the craft I had seen in +the afternoon, and yet this hardly seemed likely, as I did not think +she could have sighted me then. + +On diving, I altered course ninety degrees, and proceeded for half an +hour at full speed, then altered another ninety degrees, in the same +direction as the previous alteration, and diving to thirty metres I +proceeded at dead slow. By midnight I had been diving so much that I +decided to get a charge on the batteries before dawn; I also wanted to +be up at 1 a.m. to make my position report. + +I surfaced after a good look round through the right periscope, which, +as usual, revealed nothing. I had hardly got on the bridge, when a +flash of flame stabbed the night on the starboard beam and a shell +moaned just overhead. + +I crash-dived at once, but could not get under before the enemy fired a +second shot at us, which fortunately missed us. As we dived I ordered +the helm hard a starboard, to counteract the expected depth-charge +attack. We must have been a hundred and fifty metres from the first +charge and a little below it, five others followed in rapid succession, +but were further away, and we suffered no damage beyond a couple of +broken lights. The situation was now extremely unpleasant. I did not +dare venture to the surface, and thus missed my 1 a.m. signal from +Headquarters. I wanted a charge badly, and so proceeded at the lowest +possible speed. At regular intervals our enemy dropped one depth-charge +somewhere astern of us, but these reports always seemed the same +distance away. + +At dawn I very cautiously came up to periscope depth, and had a look. +To my consternation I discovered our relentless pursuer about 1,500 +metres away on the port quarter. In some extraordinary manner he had +tracked us during the night. + +I dived and altered course through ninety degrees to south. + +At 9 a.m. a tremendous explosion shook the boat from stem to stern, +smashing several lights, and giving her a big inclination up by the +bow. + +As I was only at twenty metres I feared the boat would break surface, +and our enemy was evidently very nearly right over us. I at once +ordered hard to dive, and went down to the great depth of ninety-five +metres. + +A series of shattering explosions somewhere above us showed that we +were marked down, and we were only saved from destruction by our great +depth, the English charges being set apparently to about thirty metres. + +At noon the situation was critical in the extreme. My battery density +was down to 1,150, the few lamps that I had burning were glowing with a +faint, dull red appearance, which eloquently told of the falling +voltage and the dying struggles of the battery. + +The motors with all fields out were just going round. The faces of the +crew, pallid with exhaustion, seemed of an ivory whiteness in the dusky +gloom of the boat, which never resembled a gigantic and fantastically +ornamental coffin so closely as she did at that time. + +The air was fetid. I struck a match; it went out in my fingers. The +slightest effort was an agony. I bent down to take off my sea-boots, +and cold sweat dropped off my forehead, and my pulse rose with a kind +of jerk to a rapid beating, like a hammer. + +I left one sea-boot on. + +At 1 p.m. a deputation of the crew came aft, and in whispered voices +implored me to surface the boat and make a last effort on the surface. +A muffled report, as our implacable enemy dropped a depth-charge +somewhere astern of us, added point to the conversation, and showed me +that our appearance on the surface could have but one end. + +At 3 p.m. the second coxswain, who was working the hydroplanes, fell +off his stool in a dead faint. + +At 3.30 p.m. the supreme crisis was reached: two more men fainted, and +I realized that if I did not surface at once I might find the crew +incapable of starting the Diesels. + +At the order "Surface," a feeble cheer came from the men. + +We surfaced, and I dragged myself-up to the conning tower. Luckily we +started the Diesels with ease, and in a few minutes gusts of beautiful +air were circulating through the boat. + +Meanwhile, what of the enemy? I had half expected a shell as soon as we +came up, and it was with great anxiety that I looked round. We had been +slightly favoured by fortune in that the only thing in sight was a +trawler away on the port beam. It was our hunter. + +I trimmed right down, hoping to avoid being seen, as it was essential +to stay on the surface and get some amperes into the battery. I also +altered course away from him. + +It was about 5 p.m. that I saw two trawlers ahead, one on each bow. By +this time the boat's crew had quite recovered, but I did not wish to +dive, as the battery was still pitiably low. I gradually altered course +to north-east, but after half an hour's run I almost ran on top of a +group of patrols in the dusk. + +I crash-dived, and they must have seen me go down, as a few minutes +later the boat was violently shaken by a depth-charge. + +We were at twenty metres, still diving at the time. I consulted the +chart, but could find no bottoming ground within fifty miles, a +distance which was quite beyond my powers. + +At 11 p.m. I simply had to come up again and get a charge on the +batteries. + +From 7 p.m. to 10 p.m., at regular half-hourly intervals, a +depth-charge had gone off somewhere within a radius of two miles of me. +Needless to say, I was only crawling along at about one knot and +altering course frequently. What was so terrible was the patent fact +that the patrols in this area had evidently got some device which +enabled them to keep in continual touch with me to a certain extent. + +These monotonous and regular depth-charges seemed to say: "We know, Oh! +U-boat, that we are somewhere near you, and here is a depth-charge just +to tell you that we haven't lost you yet." [1] + +[Footnote 1: Karl was quite right; it is evident that he had the +misfortune to encounter one of our new hydrophone-hunting groups, just +started In the Fair Island Channel. The incident of the depth-charges +every half-hour was known as "Tickling up." Probably the patrol only +heard faint noises from him.--ETIENNE.] + +As an hour had elapsed since the last depth-charge, I felt fairly happy +at coming up, and on making the surface I was delighted to find a +pitch-black night and a considerable sea. From 10 p.m. to 1 a.m. I +actually had three hours of peace, and in this period I managed to cram +a considerable amount of stuff into the batteries. The densities were +rising nicely and all seemed well, when I did what I now see was a very +foolish thing. + +I made my 1 a.m. wireless report to Nordreich, in which I requested +orders at 3 a.m. and reported my position, together with the fact that +I had been badly hunted. + +In twenty-five minutes they were on me again! I had most idiotically +assumed that the English had no directional wireless in these parts. +They have. They've got everything that they have ever tried up there; +it was concentrated in that infernal Fair Island Channel. + +I was only saved by seeing a destroyer coming straight at me, +silhouetted against, the low-lying crescent of a new moon. When I dived +she was about six hundred metres away. As I have confessed to doing a +foolish thing, I give myself the pleasure of recording a cleverer move +on my part. I anticipated depth-charge attack as a matter of course, +but instead of going down to twenty-five metres, I kept her at twelve. + +The depth-charges came all right, seven smashing explosions, but, as I +had calculated, they were set to go off at about thirty metres, and so +were well below me. + +The boat was thrown bodily up by one, and I think the top of the +conning tower must have broken surface, but there was little danger of +this being seen in the prevailing water conditions. + + * * * * * + +I have just had to stop recording my experiences of the past +forty-eight hours, as the Navigator, who is on watch, sent down a +message to say that smoke was in sight. + +The next hour was full of anxiety, but by hauling off to port we +managed to lose it. I then had a little food, and I will now conclude +my account before trying again to get some sleep. + + + + +_The account continued._ + + +All my hopes of getting up again that night, both for the purpose of +charging and of getting the 3 a.m. signal, were doomed to be +disappointed, as the hydrophone operator kept on reporting the noise of +destroyers overhead. Occasional distant thuds seemed to indicate a +never-ending supply of depth-charges, but they were about four or five +miles from me. Perhaps some other unfortunate devil was going through +the fires of hell. + +At daylight on the second day my position was still miserable. The +battery was getting low again, the sea had gone down, and when I put my +periscope up at 9 a.m. the horizon seemed to be ringed with patrols. I +felt as if I was in an invisible net, and though I endeavoured to +conceal my apprehension from the crew, I could see from the listless +way they went about their duties that they realized that once again we +were near the end of our resources. + +All the forenoon we crept along at thirty metres, until the tension was +broken at 1 p.m. by a furious depth-charge attack. In some +extraordinary way they had located me again and closed in upon me. The +first charges were some little distance off, and as they got closer a +feeling of desperation overcame me, and I seriously contemplated ending +the agony by surfacing and fighting to the last with my gun. + +Curiously enough, the procedure that I adopted was the exact opposite. +I decided to dive deep. I went down to 114 metres. At this exceptional +depth, three rivets in the pressure hull began to leak, and jets of +water with the rigidity of bars of iron shot into the boat. I held on +for five minutes, which was sufficient to save me from the depth-charge +attack, though two which went off almost above me broke some lamps. I +then came up to twenty metres and slowly crawled on. Throughout the +long afternoon, though we were not directly attacked again, I heard +depth-charges on several occasions sufficiently close to me to +demonstrate that these implacable and tireless devils had an idea of +the area I was in. + +By a supreme effort, working one motor at the only speed it would go, +viz., "Dead slow," I managed to squeeze out the battery until I +estimated it must be dusk. + +There was only one thing to do--I surfaced. It was not as dark as I had +hoped, and I saw a fairly large sloop-like vessel, about eight thousand +metres away, on the port beam. She must have seen me simultaneously, as +the flash of a gun darted from her, the shell falling short. + +I couldn't dive; there seemed only one thing to do: fight and then die. +I ordered the gun's crew up, and the unequal duel began. We were going +full speed on the Diesels, and my course was east by north. A good deal +of water and spray was flying over the gun, and my crew had little hope +of doing much accurate shooting, but I have often found that when one +is being fired at there is nothing so comforting as the sound of one's +own gun. + +Our enemy was armed with two large guns, fifteen centimetres or over, +but had no speed, a discovery which raised my hopes again. It was soon +evident that, provided we were not heading for another patrol, if we +could survive ten minutes' shelling, we should be saved for the time +being by the fading light, which was evidently causing our enemy +increasing difficulties, as his shots alternated between very short and +very much over. + +I was actually congratulating the Navigator on our escape, and I had +just told the gun's crew to cease firing at the blurred outlines on the +port quarter from which the random shells still came, when there was a +sheet of yellow flame and a jar which threw me against the signalman. +The latter had been standing near the conning-tower hatch, and +unfortunately I knocked him off his balance, and he fell with a thud +into the upper conning tower. He had the good fortune to escape with a +couple of ribs broken, but when I recovered myself and got to my feet, +far worse consequences met my eyes. + +By the worst of ill-luck, a shell which must have been fired +practically at random had hit the gun just below the port trunnion. + +The result of the explosion was very severe. Four of the seven men at +the gun had been blown overboard, the breech worker was uninjured, +though from the way he swayed about it was evident that he was dazed, +and I expected to see him fall over the side at any moment. The +remaining two men were as dead as horse-flesh. + +The material damage was even more serious. The gun had been practically +thrown out of its cradle, but in the main the trunnion blocks had held +firm, and the whole pedestal had been carried over to starboard. + +The really terrible effects of this injury were not apparent at first +sight, but I soon realized them, for an hour later (we had shaken off +the sloop) I saw red flame on the horizon, which plainly indicated +flaming at the funnel from some destroyer doubtless looking for us at +high speed. + +I dived, intending to surface again as soon as possible. With this +intention in my head, I did not go below the upper conning tower. We +had barely got to ten metres, when loud cries from below and the +disquieting noise of rushing water told me that something was wrong. I +blew all tanks, surfaced, left the First Lieutenant on watch and went +below. + +There were five centimetres of water on the battery boards, and I +understood at once that we could never dive again. + +For the pedestal of the gun, in being forced over, had strained the +longitudinal seam of the pressure hull, to which it is bolted, and a +shower of water had come through as soon as we got under. + +It might have been hoped that this was enough, but no! our cup was not +yet full. Chlorine gas suddenly began to fill the fore-end. The salt +water running down into the battery tanks had found acid, and though I +ordered quantities of soda to be put down into the tank, it became, and +still is at the moment of writing, impossible to move forward of the +conning tower without putting on a gas mask and oxygen helmet. So we +are helpless, and at the mercy of any little trawler, or even the +weather. + +We have no gun; we cannot dive. The English must know that they have +hit us, and every hour I expect to see the hull of a destroyer climb +over the horizon astern. + +We are fortunate in two respects: in that for the time being the +weather seems to promise well, and our Diesels are thoroughly sound. + +We are ordered to Zeebrugge--I could have wished elsewhere for many +reasons, but it does not matter, as I cannot believe we are intended to +escape. + +I feel I would almost welcome an enemy ship, it would soon be over; but +this uncertainty and anxiety drags on for hour after hour--and now I +cannot sleep, though I haven't slept properly for over seventy hours. I +am so worn out that my body screams for sleep, but it is denied to me, +and so, lest I go mad, I write; it is better to do this, though my eyes +ache and the letters seem to wriggle, than to stand up on the bridge +looking for the smoke of our enemies, or to lie in my bunk and count +the revolutions of the Diesels; thousands of thousands of thudding +beats, one after the other, relentless hammer strokes. + +I have endured much. + + + + +_NOTE BY ETIENNE_ + + +_A break occurs in Karl von Schenk's diary at this juncture. Fortunately +the main outlines of the story are preserved owing to Zoe's long +letter, which was in a small packet inside the cover of the second +notebook. Zoe's letter will be reproduced in this book in its proper +chronological position, but in order to save the reader the trouble of +reading the book from the letter back to this point, a brief summary of +what took place is given here. The entries in his diary which follow +the words "I have endured much," are very meagre for a period which +seems to have been about a month in length. There is no further mention +of the latter stages of Karl's passage in the wrecked boat to +Zeebrugge, so it is presumed that he made that port without further +adventure. He was evidently on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and +appears to have been suffering from very severe insomnia. He had been +hunted for two days, during which he was perpetually on the verge of +destruction, and the cumulative effect of such an experience is bound +to leave its mark on the strongest man. When he got back to Zeebrugge +he must have been at the end of his tether, and whether by chance or +design it was when Karl was, as he would have said, "at a low mental +ebb" that Zoe made her last and successful attack upon his resolution +not to see her again unless she consented to marry him. It is plain +from her letter that when he left her after the stormy interview in +which he vowed never to see her again, Zoe did not lose hope. She seems +to have kept herself _au courant _with his movements, and actually to +have known when he was expected in._ + +_We know that she had many friends amongst the officers, and it is +probable that from one of these she was able to get information about +Karl's movements._ + +_Bruges was probably a hot-bed of U-boat gossip, and, not unlike the +conditions at certain other Naval ports during the war, the ladies were +often too well informed. At any rate it appears that Zoe rushed to see +Karl directly he arrived at Bruges, and found him a mental and physical +wreck, suffering from acute insomnia._ + +_With the impetuous vigour which evidently guided most of her actions, +she took complete charge of Karl, and, as he was due for four days' +leave, she whisked him off to the forest._ + +_Karl may have protested, but was probably in no state to wish to do so. +At her shooting-box in the forest Zoe achieved her desire, and the +stubborn struggle between the lovers ended in victory for the woman. +There is an entry in Karl's diary which may refer to this period; he +simply says, "Slept at last! Oh, what a joy!"_ + +_If this entry was written in the forest, it seemed as if Karl had been +unable to sleep until Zoe carried him off to the forest peace of her +shooting-box and surrounded him with the atmosphere of her tender +sympathy._ + +_There is no evidence of the light in which Karl viewed his defeat, +when, having regained his strength, he was able to take stock of the +changed situation. It is reasonable to suppose that his silence upon +this matter in the pages of his diary is evidence that he was ashamed +of what he must have considered a great act of weakness on his part._ + +_At all events he realized that he had crossed the Rubicon and that he +had better acquiesce in the_ fait accompli. + +_He seems to have been in harbour for about six weeks, during which he +lived with Zoe, and the lovers enjoyed a brief spell of happiness +before Karl set out on his next trip._ + +_Karl seems to have found those six weeks very pleasant ones, though his +diary merely contains brief references, such as: "A. day in the country +with Z."; "Z. and I went to the Cavalry dance," and other trivial +entries--of his thoughts there is not a word._ + +_About the end of 1917 Karl's boat was repaired, and he left for the +Atlantic; and once more resumed full entries in his diary._ + +ETIENNE. + + + + +_Karl's Diary resumed_. + +Sailed at 9 p.m. last night, and we are now seventeen miles off Beachy +Head. The Straits of Dover were frightful; the glare of the acetylene +flares on the barrage showed for miles. Seen from a distance it gave me +the impression of the gates of hell, through which we had to pass. + +I dived, ten miles away, and went through with the tide at a depth of +forty metres. + +Two hours and three quarters of suspense, and at dawn we came up, +having passed safely through the great deathtrap. At the moment there +is nothing in sight, except a little smoke on the horizon. I am going +to dive again till dusk. + +2 _a.m._ + +We are thrashing down the Channel with a south-westerly wind right +ahead. My instructions are to work for two days between the Lizard and +Kinsale Head, and then proceed far out in the Atlantic, where the +convoys are supposed to meet the destroyers. + +That Fair Island Channel experience was enough for a lifetime. Death, +quick, short and sudden, this I am ready for. But torture, slow, long +and drawn-out, is not in the bargain which in this year of grace every +civilized man and half the savages of the world seem to have had to +make with the god Mars. + +As I sit in this steel, cigar-shaped mass of machinery, the question +rings incessantly in my ears: "To what object is all this war directed, +when analysed from the point of view of the individual?" + +It does not satisfy any longing of mine. I have not got a lust for +battle: no one who fights has a lust for battle. Editors of newspapers +and people on General Staffs, possibly also Cabinet Ministers, have +lusts for battles, as long as they arrange the battle and talk about +it afterwards--curse them! + +The only thing I want is to be with Zoe. I want to live and spend long +years with her, enjoying life--this life of which I have spent half +already, and now perhaps it will be taken from me by some other man: +some Englishman who doesn't really want to take my life, reckoned as an +individual. + +Around me in the darkness are the patrol boats, manned by the +Englishmen who are seeking my life. Seeking it, not to gratify their +private emotions, but because we are all in the whirlpool of War and +cannot escape. + +Like an avalanche, it seems to gather strength and speed as it rolls +on, this War of Nations. The world must be mad! I cannot see how it can +ever stop. England will never be defeated at sea. We shall conquer on +land--then what? + +An inconclusive peace. + +Even if we smash this island Empire and gain the dominion of the world, +how will it advantage me? I can see no way in which I can gain. + +It would be said, if any one should read this: _Gott_! what a selfish +point of view--he thinks only of his personal gain, not of his country. + +But, confound it all, I reply, answer me this: + +Do I exist for my country, or does my country exist for me? + +For example, does man live for the sake of the Church, or was the +Church created for man? + +Does not my country exist for my benefit? + +Surely it is so. + +Then again, I am risking my all, my life; I live in danger, +apprehension and great discomfort; I do all these things, and yet if as +a reasonable man I ponder what advantage I am to gain from all these +sacrifices I am adjudged selfish. + +It is all madness; I cannot fathom the meaning of these things. + + * * * * * + +In position on the Bristol line of approach, the weather is bad. + + + + +_At twenty metres._ + + +Once again Death has stretched forth his bony fingers to catch me by +the throat, and only by a chance have I wriggled free. + +Yesterday afternoon at 5 p.m. we sighted a small steamer flying Spanish +colours and steering for Cardiff. The weather was choppy, but not too +bad, and I decided to exercise the gun's crew, though I did not think +there would be much doing, as the Spaniards soon give in. + +I opened fire at six thousand metres, and pitched a shell ahead of her +and ran up the signal to heave-to. The wretched little craft paid no +attention, and continued on her lumbering course. I suspected the +presence of an Englishman on her bridge, and determined to hit. + +This we did with our sixth shot, and she stopped dead and wallowed in +the trough, with clouds of steam pouring out of her engine-room; we had +evidently got the engine-room. + +As we closed her, it was evident that a tremendous panic was taking +place on board. The port sea boat was being launched, but one fall +broke and the occupants fell into the water. My Navigator begged me to +give her another, which I did, and hit her right aft. Two boatloads of +gesticulating individuals now appeared from the shelter of her lee side +and began pulling wildly away from the ship. + +The Navigator, whose eyes were dancing with excitement, was very keen +to play with them by spraying the water with machine-gun bullets; but +it seemed to me to be waste of ammunition, and I would not permit it. + +Meanwhile we had approached to within about four hundred metres of her +port bow. I was debating whether to accelerate her sinking, when I +noticed that a fire had broken out aft, and I became possessed with a +childish curiosity to see the fire being put out as she sank. It was a +kind of contest between the elements. + +As I watched her, I was startled to hear three or four reports from the +region of the fire. + +"Ammunition!" shouted the pilot, with wide-opened eyes. + +In an instant I pressed the diving alarm as I realized our deadly +peril. Fool that I had been, she was a decoy-ship. They must have +realized on board that I had seen through their disguise, for as we +began to move forward, under the motors, a trap-door near her bows fell +down, the white ensign was broken at the fore, and a 4-inch gun opened +fire from the embrasure that was revealed on her side. + +We were fortunate in that our conning tower was already right ahead of +the enemy, and as I dropped down into the conning tower, I saw that as +she could not turn we were safe. + +A few shells plunged harmlessly into the water near our stern, and then +we were under. + +We came up to a periscope depth, and I surveyed her from a position off +her stern. She was sinking fast, but I felt so furious at being nearly +trapped that I could not resist giving her a torpedo; detonation was +complete, and a mass of wreckage shot into the air as the hull of the +ship disappeared. As to the two boats, I left them to make the best +course to land that they could. + +As they were fifty miles off the shore when I left them and it blew +force six a few hours afterwards, I rather think they have joined the +list of "Missing." We are now steering due west to our second position. + + * * * * * + +Received orders last night to return to base forthwith on the north +about route. [1] + +[Footnote 1: This means into the North Sea round Scotland.--] + +I have shaped course to pass fifty miles north of Muckle Flugga; no +more Fair Island Channel for me. + + * * * * * + +Statlandlet in sight, with the Norwegian coast looking very lovely +under the snow--we never saw a ship from north of the Shetlands to this +place, when we saw a light cruiser of the town class steaming +south-west at high speed. + +She had probably been on patrol off this place, where the Inner and +Outer Leads join up and ships have to leave the three-mile limit. + +She was well away from me, and an attack would have been useless. I did +not shed any tears; I have lost much of the fire-eating ideas which +filled my mind when I first joined this service. + + * * * * * + +We are due off the mole at 8 p.m. tonight, and my heart leaps with joy +at the thought of seeing my Zoe; already I can almost imagine her +lovely arms round my neck, her face raised to mine, and all the other +wonderful things that make her so glorious in my eyes. + + + + +_NOTE BY ETIENNE_ + + +Before quoting the next entry in Karl's journal it is necessary to +explain the situation which confronted him when he arrived in +Zeebrugge. In his absence, his beloved Zoe had been arrested as an +Allied Agent, and she was tried for espionage within a day or two of +his arrival. There is no record of how he heard the news, and the blow +he sustained was probably so terrible that whilst there was yet hope he +felt no desire to write; but, as will be seen, there came a time when +he turned to his journal as the last friend that remained to him. It is +a curious fact that, with the exception of an entry at the beginning of +this journal, Karl makes little mention of his mother and home at +Frankfurt. Though he does not say so, it seems possible that his mother +had heard of his entanglement with Zoe, and a barrier had risen between +them; this suggestion gains strength from the fact that in his blackest +moments of despair he never seems to consider the question of turning +to Frankfurt for sympathy. Interest is naturally aroused as to the +details of Zoe's trial. The available material consists solely of the +long letter she wrote to him from Bruges jail. It may be that one day +the German archives of the period of occupation will reveal further +details. Information on the subject is possibly at the disposal of the +British Intelligence Service, but this would be kept secret. All we +know on the matter is derived from the letter, which has been preserved +inside the second volume of Karl's diary. + +There seems no doubt that she was caught red-handed, but to say more +would be to anticipate her own words. + +It was a matter of some difficulty to know where best to introduce +Zoe's letter, but with a view to securing as much continuity of thought +in the story as possible it has been decided to quote it at this +juncture, although he did not receive it until after he had made the +entry in the journal which will be quoted directly after the letter. + +I would like to appeal to any reader who may happen to be engaged in +administrative or reconstructive work in Belgium, to communicate with +me, care of Messrs. Hutchinson, should he handle any papers dealing +with Zoe's trial. + +_ETIENNE_. + + + + +ZOE'S LETTER + + +MY BEST BELOVED, + +When you get this letter cease to sorrow for what will have happened, +for I shall be at rest, and in peace at last, freed from a world in +which I have known bitter sorrow and, until you came into my life, but +little joy. + +For these past months I am grateful to God, if such a being exists and +regulates the conduct of a world gone mad. + +For in a few hours I am to die. + +It is harder for you than for me; one moment of agony I suffered, a +moment that seemed to last a century, when, amidst the sea of faces +that swam in a confused mass before me at the trial, I saw your eyes +and the torture that you were suffering. When I saw your eyes I knew +that the President had said I must die. I am glad that I was told this +by you, the only one amongst all these men who loved me. I suppose the +President spoke; I never heard him, but I saw your eyes and I knew. + +My darling, it was cruel of you to come, cruel to me and cruel to +yourself, but I loved you for being there; it showed me that up till +the last you would stand by me, and until you read this you cannot know +all the facts. That to you, as to the others, I must have seemed a +woman spy and that nevertheless you stood by me, is to me a +recollection of unsurpassable sweetness, compared with which all other +thoughts of you fade into insignificance. + +Know now, oh, well beloved, that I was not unworthy of your love. + +I have a story to tell you, and I have such a little time left that I +must write quickly. The priest who has been with me comes again an hour +before the dawn, and he has promised to deliver these my last words of +love into your hands. + +My real name is Zoe Xenia Olga Sbeiliez, and I was born twenty-nine +years ago at my father's country house at Inkovano, near Koniesfol. I +am Polish; at least, my father was, and my mother comes from the Don +country. There was a day when my father's ancestors were Princes in +Poland. Poor Poland was torn by the vultures of Europe, just as your +countrymen, my Karl, are tearing poor Belgium and France, and so my +family lost estates year by year, and my grandfather is buried +somewhere in the dreary steppes of Siberia because he dared to be a +Polish patriot. + +My father bowed before the storm, and under my mother's influence he +never became mixed up with politics. Thus he lived on his estates at +Inkovano, and nursed them for my younger brother, Alexandrovitch, the +child of his old age. Alex would be nineteen now, had he lived. The +estates were large as these things go in Western Europe, but they were +but a garden as compared with the lands held by my great-grandfather, +Boris Sbeiliez. + +My father had a dream, and he dreamed this dream from the day Alex was +born to the day they both died in each other's arms. + +My father dreamt that one day the Tsars would soften their heart to +Poland, and raise her up from the dust to a place amongst the nations, +and my father dreamt that Alexandrovitch Sbeiliez would become a leader +of Poland, as his ancestors had been before him. And so my father +nursed his estates and pinched and saved, in preparation for the day +when his beautiful dream should come true. + +[Illustration: "A trapdoor near her bows fell down, the White Ensign +was broken at the fore, and a 4-inch gun opened fire from the embrasure +that was revealed on her side."] + +[ILLUSTRATION: "I sighted two convoys, but there were destroyers +there...."] + +My poor idealistic father never realized, oh, my Karl, that when one +wants a thing one must fight--to the death. Alex was the apple of his +eye, but I was much loved by my mother; perhaps she dreamed a dream +about me--I know not, but she determined that I should have all that +was necessary. Paris, Berlin, Munich, Dresden, and a season in London, +then I came home at twenty-one, perfectly educated according to the +world, beautiful according to men, and dressed according to Paris. But +I was only to find out how little I knew. My mother and I used to take +a house in Warsaw for the season, and I met many notable men and women. +In these days I, also, thought I could do something for Poland, but +after two or three seasons I found that I, too, was only dreaming idle +dreams. Oh! my beloved, beware of dreaming idle dreams. + +Listen! I once met the Prime Minister of all Russia at a reception. I +captivated him, and thought, now! now! I shall do something. + +I sat next to him at dinner; I talked of Poland--and I knew my +subject--I talked brilliantly; he listened, he hung on my words, and +he, the Prime Minister of all Russia, the Tsar's right-hand man, asked +me to drive with him next day in his sledge. I, an almost unknown +Polish girl! + +When I accepted, I was in the seventh heaven of delight. + +Next day he called and we set forth; at a deserted spot in the woods +near Warsaw he tried to kiss me--I struck him in the face with the butt +of his own whip. + +That was why he had hung on my words, that was why he had taken me for +my drive; it was my Polish body that interested _him_--not Poland. + +The Prime Minister of Russia was confined to his room for two days, +"owing to an indisposition." How I laughed when I saw the bulletin in +the paper, signed by two doctors, but it taught me a lesson; I never +dreamt idle dreams again. + +No, I am wrong, my beloved. I dreamt an idle dream, a lovely dream +about you and I. An after-the-war dream, if this war should ever end, +but like other dreams it has ended--in dreams. + +But I must hurry, for my little watch tells me that one hour of my five +has gone, and I have much to say. + +I could have married, and married brilliantly, but Poland held me back. +I did not know what I could do for my country, it all seemed so +hopeless, and yet I felt that perhaps one day ... and I felt I ought to +be single when that day came. + +It was not easy, my Karl, sometimes it was hard; one man there was, +Sergius was his Christian name; he loved me madly, and sometimes I +thought--but no matter, he is dead now, killed at Tannenberg, and +I--well, I will tell you more of my story. + +When the war broke out and clouded over that last beautiful summer in +1914 (I wonder will there ever be another like it in your lifetime, my +Karl? No, I don't think it can ever be quite the same after all this!), +we were all in the country. Alex was back from his school in Petrograd, +and my father kept him at home for the autumn term. + +How well I remember the excitement, the mobilization, the blessing of +the colours, the wave of patriotism which swept over the country; even +I, under the influence of the specious proclamations that were issued +broadcast by the Government, with their promises of reform, and redress +for Poland after the war was over, felt more Russian than Polish. Lies! +Lies! Lies! that was what the Government promises were, my Karl. + +Under the stress of war the rottenness of that great whited sepulchre, +Russia, feared the revival of the Polish spirit; it might have been +awkward, and so they lied with their tongues in their cheeks, and we +simple Poles believed them; the peasantry flocked to their depots, +little knowing whom they fought, but the proclamations which were read +to them told them they fought for Poland, and we women worked and +prayed for the success of Russian arms. + +Then the tide of war swept westward, and all day long and every day the +troops, and the guns and the motor-cars and the wagons rolled through +the village to the west. + +Guarded hints in the papers seemed to say that all was not well in +France, but France was so far away, and all the time the Russians were +going west through our village. Mighty Russia was putting forth her +strength, and the Austrian debacle was in full swing; these were great +days, my Karl, for a Russian! + +Then one day the long columns of men and all the traffic seemed to +hesitate in the sluggish westward flow, and then it stopped, and then +it began to go east. The weeks went on, and one day, very, very +faintly, there was a rumbling like a distant thunderstorm. It was the +guns! The front was coming back. + +Have you ever seen forest fires, my Karl? We had them every autumn in +our woods. If you have, then you know how all the small animals and the +birds, the rabbits and the foxes, and perhaps a wolf or two, and the +deer, and the thrushes and the linnets come out from the shelter of the +trees, fleeing blindly from the great peril, anxious only to save their +lives. So it was when the front came back. Herds of moujiks, the old +men, the women, the children, the poor little babies, struggled blindly +eastwards through the village. + +Pushing their miserable household gods on handcarts, or staggering +along with loads on their backs, and weary children dragging at their +arms, the human tide flowed eastwards, round our house, begged perhaps +a drink of water, and then wandered feverishly onwards. + +They knew not in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred where they were +going; their only destination was summed up in the words, "Away from +the Front"--away from the ominous rumbling which began to get louder, +away from that western horizon which was beginning to have a lurid glow +at nights, like a sunset prolonged to dawn. + +Then, as the Germans advanced more and more, the character of the tide +changed, the civilian element was outnumbered by the military. +Companies, battalions, brigades, sometimes in good order, sometimes in +no order, marched through the village. They would often halt for a +short time, and the officers would come up to the house, where my +mother and I gave them what we could. My father lived amongst his books +and accounts, and bemoaned the extravagance of the war. Then there were +the deserters, the stragglers, the walking wounded, the--but you know, +my Karl, what an army in retreat means. + +I must proceed with my story, for time moves relentlessly on. + +One day a desperately wounded officer, a young Lieutenant of the Guard, +a boy of twenty-five, was taken out of a motor ambulance to die. + +The ambulance had stopped opposite our gates, and lying on his +stretcher he had seen our garden, my garden. He knew he was to die, and +he had begged with tears in his eyes to the doctor that he might be +left in the garden. + +Who could refuse him? + +He died within two hours, amongst our flowers, with Alex and I at his +side. + +Before he died, he begged us, implored us, almost ordered us, to move +east before it was too late. + +We repeated his arguments to my father, but the latter was obdurate, +and he swore that a regiment of angels would not move him from his +ancestral home. So we made up our minds to stay. + +Things got worse and worse, and one day shells fell in the grounds and +we hid in the cellars. That night all our servants ran away, and my +father cursed them for cowards. Next day in the early morning we heard +machine guns fire outside the village, and then all was still. + +At six o'clock Alex, white-faced, came running into the house. He had +been down to the gates and he had seen the enemy. They were drunk, he +said, and going down the street firing the houses and shooting the +people as they came out. + +It seemed impossible and yet it was true. It was growing dark, when we +heard shouts and saw lights, and from the top of the house I saw a +crowd of singing and shouting soldiers, with pine torches, half +running, half walking up the drive. + +They massed in a body opposite the house. Paralysed with terror, I +looked down on the scene, and shuddered to see that every second man +seemed to have a bottle. One of them fired a shot at the house, and +next I remember a flood of light on the drive, and, in the circle of +light, my father standing with hand raised. What my father intended can +never be known, for, as he paused and faced the mob, a solitary shot +rang out, and he fell in a huddled heap. + +As he fell, a boyish voice from the door shouted "Murderers!" It was +Alex. With his little pistol I had given him for a birthday present in +his hand, he ran forward and, standing over my father's body, head +thrown back, he pointed his pistol at the mob and fired twice. A man +dropped, there was a flash of steel, the crowd surged forward, +and--and, oh! my Karl, they had murdered my beloved brother, my darling +Alex. + +The next moment they were in the house. I escaped from my window on to +the roof of the dairy, and from there down a water-pipe, across the +yard to an old hay-loft. For a long time they ran in and out of the +house, like ants, looting and pillaging; then there was a great shout, +and for some time not a soul came out of the house. I guessed they had +got into the cellars. At about midnight I saw that the house was on +fire. In a few minutes it was an inferno and the drunken soldiers came +pouring out, firing their rifles in all directions. + +I had found a piece of rope in the loft. One end I placed on a hook and +the other round my neck. I was close to the upper doors of the loft, +with a drop to the courtyard, and thus I stayed, for I feared that some +soldier, more sober than the rest, might explore the outhouses and find +me. I was watching this unearthly spectacle, and never, my best +beloved, did I conceive that man could become lower than the beasts, +but before my eyes it was so, when I noticed that the great gates at +the southern end of the courtyard were opening. As they opened I saw +that beyond them were drawn up a line of men. An officer gave an order, +and two machine guns were placed in position in the gate entrance; +round the guns lay their crews, and the seething mass of revellers saw +nothing. I felt that a fearful tragedy was impending, and as I held my +breath with anxiety the officer gave a short, sharp movement with his +hand and a hideous rattle rose above all noises. The pandemonium that +ensued was indescribable. Some ran helplessly into the burning house, +others ran round and round in circles, others tried to get into the +dairy; one man got upon its roof and fell back dead as soon as his head +appeared above the outer wall. The place was surrounded. It was +horrible. A few tried to rush for the gate, they melted away like snow +before the sun, as their bodies met the pitiless stream of bullets. I +suppose two hundred men were killed in as many seconds. The machine +guns ceased fire. Ambulance parties came into the yard, collected the +dead and living, and within half an hour there was not a soul save +myself in the place. Discipline had received its oblation of men's +lives. + +As an example, it was one of the most wonderful things I have ever +known in your wonderful army, my Karl, but it was terrible--terribly +cruel. + +I never knew what became of my mother, though I feel she is +dead--murdered, perhaps, like my father and my darling Alex, or perhaps +she hid somewhere in the house and remained petrified with terror till +the flames came. Next morning I left my hiding-place and walked about. +Not a German was to be seen, but in the wood was a huge newly-made +grave. It was all open warfare then, and this flying column, which was +miles in advance of the main body, had moved on. The house was a +smoking mass of ruins, but the farm buildings had been spared, and I +let out all the poor animals and turned them into the woods, so that +they might have their chance. + +All day I searched for my father and brother, but not a sign was to be +seen, and at dusk I stood alone, faint and broken, amongst the ruins of +my ancestors' home. As I looked at this scene of desolation and I +contrasted what had been my life twenty-four hours before and what it +was then, something seemed to snap in my brain, and for the first time +I cried. Oh! the blessed relief of those tears, my Karl, for I was a +poor weak, helpless girl, and alone with death and bitterness all round +me. Late that night I hid once more in my hay-loft and next morning I +left Inkovano for ever. Before I left, I made a vow. It is because of +this vow, my beloved, that I am to die. For I vowed by the body of our +Saviour and the murdered bodies of my family that, whilst life was in +me and the war was maintained, for so long would I work unceasingly for +the Allies against Germany. As the war ran its fiery course, I have +seen more and more that the Allies are the only ones who will do +anything for Poland, my beloved country, so have I been strengthened in +my vow. + +I struck south on my feet, as a poor girl--I, the daughter of a +princely family of Poland! No hardships were too great for me, provided +I could reach Allied territory. I travelled from village to village as +a singing girl, and once I was driven away with stones by villagers set +upon me by a fanatical priest. I came by Cracow, and across the +Carpathians, helped to pass the lines by a Hungarian Lieutenant--but I +tricked him of his reward; I was not ready for that sacrifice. Then +across the Hungarian plains to Buda-Pesth, where I remained three weeks, +singing in a third-rate café, to make some money for my next stage. But +I had to leave too soon--the old story!--this time it was the +proprietor's son. What beasts men are, my Karl! And yet to me you are +above all other men, a prince amongst your fellows, and never did I +love you so distractedly as that first night at the shooting-box, when +I read the scorn in your eyes as you rejected me. I have no shame in +telling you this. Am I not already in the grave? And then I must be +silent and can only await your coming. After many struggles, wearisome +to relate, I came to Hermanstadt, and there, whilst pushing my trade as +a dancer, came into touch with a Hungarian band of smugglers, working +across the mountain passes between Eastern Hungary and Roumania. I did +certain work for these men, and in return crossed with them one bitter +night in a thunderstorm into Roumania. At Bukharest I got a good +engagement, and when I had saved a thousand marks, I bought a passport +for five hundred, and came to Serbia, then staggering beneath the great +Austrian offensive. + +Once again I was in the horrors of a retreat, but I escaped, reaching +Valona, and crossed to Brindisi, by the aid of a French officer to whom +I told my story and who believed me. His name is Pierre Lemansour, and +he lives at Bordeaux. + +If fortune places him in your power, be kind to him, my Karl, for your +Zoe's sake. + +I came to Rome; and thence to Paris. I stayed here three weeks, singing +in a cabaret. Whilst here I tried to advance my plans in vain! What +could I, a poor girl, do for the Allies? The Embassy laughed at me, all +except one young attaché who tried to make love to me. + +Then I thought of England--England, and her cold, hard islanders, +phlegmatic in movements, slow to hate, slow to move, but once +roused--ah! they never let go, these islanders! + +One of their poets has said: "The mills of God grind slowly, but they +grind exceeding small." + +That, my Karl, is like England. + +They are your most terrible enemies, and you know it. + +Do not be angry with me when you read this. + +For me it is Poland, for you Germany. + +Where I am going in a few hours there is no Poland, no Germany, no +England, no war. And perhaps, perhaps, no love. + +You and I, Karl, have loved, too well, perchance, but our love was +above even the love of countries. + +God made the love of men and women, then men and women created their +countries. + +I see the future before me, Karl, and I foresee that the struggle will +be at the end of all things, between England and Germany. One will be +in the dust. + +Thus, I crossed to England and was swallowed up in the great city of +London. England has always had a corner of her calculating heart for +the small nations, and in London there is a Polish organization. I +applied there, and one day I was taken to the Foreign Office, and found +myself alone with a great Englishman. His name was--No, I promised, and +it will not matter to you, for though he gave me my chance, I have no +love for him, and he will never be in your power. Even as I write these +words, he has probably taken a list from a locked safe and neatly ruled +a red line through the name Zoe Sbeiliez. I tell you they know +everything, these Englishmen. I told him my story, and then he asked me +whether I was prepared to do all things for the Allies. I told him I +was. He then said that I could go as agent for a back area in Belgium, +and my centre would be Bruges. I agreed, and asked him innocently +enough how I was to live in Bruges. He looked up from his desk and +said: + +"You will be given facilities to cross the Belgium-Holland frontier, as +a German singer." + +"And then?" I asked. + +"You will go to Bruges and make friends with an Army officer; he must +be high up on the staff." + +I guessed what he meant, but hoped against hope, and I said: "How?" + +I can still see his fish-like face, hair brushed back with scrupulous +care, as without a shadow of emotion he looked up, puffed his pipe, and +said in matter-of-fact tones: + +"You have a pretty face and an excellent figure. Need I say more?" + +I could have struck him in the face. I was speechless, my mind a whirl +of conflicting emotions. I was roused by the level tones again. + +"Is it too much--for Poland?" + +Oh! the cunning of the man; he knew my weakness. Mechanically, I +agreed. Certain details were settled, and he pressed a bell. Within +five minutes I was walking back to my lodgings. + +Thanks to a marvellous organization, which your police will never +discover, my Karl, within _three weeks_ I was singing on the Bruges +music-hall stage, and accepted without question as being what I was +not, a German artist from Dantzig. The men were soon round me, but I +had no use for youngsters with money. I wanted a man with information. +At last I found my man--the Colonel. He was on the Headquarters staff +of the XIth Army, the army of occupation in Belgium, when I first met +him. Subsequently he went back to regimental work; but by the time he +was killed (and to realize what a release that meant for me, you would +have had to have lived with him) I had established regular sources of +information concerning which I will say no more. Let your country's +agents find them if they can. This must I say for the Colonel: he was a +brute and a drunkard, but in his own gross way he loved me, and he +licked my boots at my desire, but I had to pay the price. You are a +man, and with all your loving sympathy you can but dimly realize what +this costs a woman. To me it was a dual sacrifice of honour and life, +but it was for Poland, and the memories of my parents and Alex steeled +me and strengthened my resolution, and so, and so, my Karl, I paid the +price. + +My special work was on the military side, and consisted in making +quarterly reports on the general dispositions of large bodies of +troops, the massing of corps for spring offensives, and big pushes and +hammer blows. + +Then you came into my life! When the Colonel used to go away it was my +habit to mix in the demi-mondaine society of Bruges, to try and live a +few hours in which I could forget--oh! don't think the worst! _That_ +sort of thing had no attraction for me. I didn't seek oblivion in that +direction! I had never even kissed anyone in Bruges until I kissed you +that first night we met at dinner--I was attracted to you from the very +first; the Colonel was due back in a few days, and I suddenly felt mad, +and kissed you. I suppose you put me down as one of the usual kind, out +to sell myself at a price varying between a good dinner and the rent of +a flat! You will now know that I had already mortgaged my body to +Poland. + +Then a few days later you will remember we went down for that wonderful +day in the forest, and for the first time, Karl, I began to see that I +was really caring for you, and a faint realization of the dangers and +impossibilities towards which we were drifting crossed my mind. + +Do you remember how silent I was on the drive back? In a fashion, my +Karl, I could foresee dimly a little of what was going to happen. I had +a presentiment that the end would be disaster, but I thrust the idea +away from me. Then came the day, just before one of your trips--oh! the +agony, my darling, of those days, each an age in length, when you were +at sea--when you told me at the flat that you loved me. + +How I longed to throw my arms round your neck and abandon myself to +your embraces, but I was still strong enough in those days to hold back +for both our sakes. + +Each time we were together I loved you more and more, and each time +when you had gone I seemed to see with clearer vision the fatal and +inevitable ending. + +But I refused to give up the first real happiness that had been mine in +my short and stormy life, and so I clung desperately to my idle dream. + +I prayed, I prayed for hours, Karl, that the war might end, for I felt +that in this lay our only hope--but what are one woman's prayers, a +sinful woman's prayers, to the Creator of all things, and the war +ground on in its endless agony just as it does to-night--Karl! Karl! +will this torture ever end? + +But I must hurry, there is still much to tell you, and Time goes on +relentlessly just like the war; it is only life that ends. Then came +the days I took you to the shooting-box for the first time, and that +night I broke down and, unashamed, offered you myself. Think not too +badly of your Zoe, my Karl; when a woman loves as I do, what is +convention? A nothing, a straw on the waters of life. I wanted you for +my own, passionately and desperately, for I feared that any moment the +end might come, and to die without having felt your arms around me +would have added a thousand tortures to death. Though I could have +welcomed death with joy when I saw the look of sorrowful contempt which +you cast upon me that night. Heavens above! but you were strong, my +Karl. I am not ugly, and yet you resisted, and I hated and loved you at +the same time--oh! I know that sounds impossible, but it isn't for a +woman. I slept little that night and, feeling that I could not look you +in the face in the morning, I left for Bruges before you got up. + +I felt that I could trust you not to try and find out the secret of the +shooting-box. + +What a relief it is to be able to tell you everything frankly, and how +I hated the perpetual game of deception which I had to play. + +I used to rack my brains for answers to your perpetual question, "Why +won't you marry me?" It was a desperate risk taking you down to the +forest, but you loved me so much that you never questioned the reasons +I gave you for my secrecy. I can tell you now, Karl, that in the early +days when I used to disappear from Bruges, it was to the shooting-box +that I went. + +But I will write more of that later. + +Did you suffer the same agony as I did before you left for Kiel, and +your pride would not allow you to come to me? You understand now, my +darling, why I could never marry you, and when the Colonel was killed +it became harder than ever. Once during that terrible interview before +you went up the Russian coast, I nearly gave way and promised to marry +you. But how could I? I had sworn my vow, and even to-night, though I +stand in the shadow of death, I do not regret my vow. + +It is inconceivable that I could have married you and carried on my +work--a spy on my husband's country--and if I ever thought of trying to +do this impossible thing, a vision which has partially come true always +restrained me. + +I saw a submarine officer disgraced and perhaps sentenced to death, +because his wife had been convicted as a spy! + +No! it was impossible. + +But if I could not marry you, I still wanted your love. + +Then you went up the Russian coast, and I heard of your return in a +submarine terribly wrecked. I guessed what you must have gone through, +and determined to see you, but when I entered your room and saw you +lying open-eyed on your bed, with no one but a clumsy soldier to nurse +you, I could have wept. You know the rest; you can perhaps hardly +remember how I led you to my car and took you down to the forest. Oh, +Karl, are you angry with me for what happened? Do you sometimes think +that I took an unfair advantage of your weakness? Please! Please +forgive me, you were so helpless, and I loved you so. + +Then came those unforgettable weeks whilst your boat was being +repaired, weeks which opened to me the door of the paradise I was never +to enter. Oh! Karl, I pray that all those memories may remain sweet and +unclouded all your life. Think of those days when you think of your +Zoe. Alas! they came to an end too soon, and you left for the Atlantic. +When you came back all was over; I had been caught at last. + +The evidence at the trial was clear enough. I have no complaints. I was +fairly caught. You remember the big open space in front of the +shooting-box? I do not mind saying now that five times have I been +taken up from there in an English aeroplane, and landed there again +after two days. Each time I took over a full report on military +affairs. Not a word of naval news, my Karl; you will remember I never +tried to find out U-boat information. I even warned you to be cautious. +Well, they caught me as I landed; the English boy who had flown me back +tried hard to save me, but it only cost him his own life. + +My first thought was of you, and there is not a jot of evidence against +you, save only your friendship for me. Remember this fact, if they +persecute you. Admit nothing, believe nothing they tell you, deny +everything; they have no evidence; but they are certain to try and trap +you. + +It was noble of you, Karl, to engage Monsieur Labordin in my defence, +but it was useless and may do you harm. + +I also know of your efforts with the Governor. I hoped nothing from +him, but what you did has made me ready to die; I tremble lest you are +compromised. + +If only I could feel absolutely certain that I have not dragged you +down in my ruin I should face the rifles with a smile. + +For my sake be careful, Karl. + +When it is all over, cause a few little flowers to cover my +resting-place, if this is permitted for a spy. Order them, do not place +them yourself; you _must not_ be compromised. + +I have told my story, and the end is very near. What else is there to +say? + +Mere words are empty husks when I try to express my thoughts of you. + +Do not sorrow for your Zoe, to whom you have given such happiness. + +I am not afraid to die and cross into the unknown, which, however +terrible it is, cannot be much worse than this awful war. + +Karl! Karl! how I long to kiss you and feel your strong arms crushing +the breath from this body of mine which has caused so much sorrow. + +Oh, Mother Mary, support me in this hour of trial. + +I cannot leave you! + +May the Saints guard you and keep you through all the perils of war, +and grant that we meet again in the perfect peace of eternity. + +For ever, Your devoted and adoring ZOE. + + + + +_Karl's Diary resumed._ + + +She is dead! + +They have killed her, my Zoe, my adorable darling, and I am still +alive--under close arrest. Perhaps they will shoot me too, in their +insatiable thirst for blood. Oh! if they would! Perhaps, my Zoe, if I +could only die and leave this useless world behind, I might find you in +the mysterious regions where your spirit now dwells. + +Oh! is it well with you, Zoe? Give me a sign--a little sign--that all +is well. I have knelt in prayer and asked for a sign, but nothing +comes--all is a blank, forbidding and mysterious. Is God angry with us, +my Zoe, that we sinned before Him? Surely, surely He understands. He +must have mercy on me if He is going to make me go on living. If this +is my punishment, I can bear it; I will live without you happily if +only I may know that all is well with you. + + * * * * * + +Your letter, Zoe! Can you read these words as I write; can you sense my +thoughts? Speak! Ah! I thought I heard your voice, and it was only the +laughter of a woman in the street. Your letter has filled me with joy +and sorrow. I read and re-read the wonderful words in which you say you +loved me from the beginning, but when you plead that I shall not turn +in loathing from your memory--with these words you smash me to the +ground. + +Most glorious woman, I never loved you so well and so passionately as +the day you stood at the trial, ringed round with the wolves, the +clever lawyers, the stolid witnesses, the ponderous books, the cynical +air of religious solemnity with which the machinery of the law thinly +cloaks its lust for blood--for a life. + +Even when my ears heard the sentence, I could not believe it would be +carried out. The firing party, the chair, the bandage. Oh, God! spare +me these awful thoughts. To think of your breasts lacerated by +the----Oh! this is unendurable! Stop, madman that I am! + + * * * * * + +I am calmer now; I have read your letter again and rescued the journal +from the grate into which I flung it. + +The fire was out; I am not sorry; my journal is all I have left, and in +its pages are enshrined small, feeble word-pictures of paradise on +earth. To read them is to catch an echo of the music we both loved so +well. Music! you were all music to me, my Zoe. Your voice, your +movements, your caresses all seemed to me to speak of music. + +I ask myself, I shall always ask myself until the last hour, whether +all that could be done to save you was done. I tried to telegraph to +the Kaiser for you, Zoe, but the wire never got further than Bruges +post office; they stopped it, and put me under arrest. It was only open +arrest, my darling, and on that last awful night I forced them to let +me see the Governor. I, Karl Von Schenk, knelt at his feet and begged +for your life. He simply said, "You are mad." I left the Palace under +close arrest. + +Was ever woman's nobleness of character so exemplified as in your life? +Be comforted, Zoe, that in all my black sorrow I cling desperately to +my pride in your strength. I long to shout abroad what you did and why +you would never marry me, to tell all the gaping world that when you +died a martyr to duty was killed. I am so unworthy of what you did for +me, my darling, and it tortures me with mental rendings to think that +whilst I prided myself in my strength of mind, I was dragging you +through the fires of hell. When I think of those six weeks we had +together, my brain says, "And they might have been months had you not +spurned her in the forest." + +Oh, Zoe! if the priests say truth and all things are now revealed to +you, forgive me for this act of mine. Come to me in spirit and give me +mental peace. + +[Illustration: "...when there was a blinding flash and the air +seemed filled with moaning fragments."] + +[Illustration: "When I put up my periscope at 9 a.m. the horizon seemed +to be ringed with patrols."] + +As I write like this, as if it was a letter that you might read, I am +comforted a little; I rely utterly on the hope, which I struggle to +change into belief, that you can read this and know my thoughts. + +For when I think that had things been otherwise you might have been +leaning over my chair at this moment, and running your cool fingers +through my stiff hair; when I think of this, my darling, the full +realization comes to me of the gulf which must divide us for some +uncertain period, and the lines of this page run mistily before my +eyes. + +Zoe, my Zoe, strange things have happened in this war; wives declare +they have seen their husbands, mothers have felt the presence of their +sons; if the powers permit, come to me once again, I implore you, and +give me strength to live my life alone. + + * * * * * + + +Examined before the Court of Inquiry to-day. Fools! can't they realize +that I don't care if they do shoot me? + +In the Mess, people avoid me. What do I care? Not one of them is worthy +to stand on the same soil that holds her beloved body. They have buried +her in the Castle grounds. In accordance with her wishes, I have +arranged for flowers. Perhaps one day when all this is over I may be +able to live here and tend the place where she sleeps, free at last +from all her cares. + + * * * * * + +At the Court of Inquiry they tried to cross-examine me on our life +together. Dolts! what do they aim at proving? That I loved you? I +hardly listened. When they finished the evidence, the President asked +me if I had anything to say! Anything to say! I felt like telling them +they were cogs in the most monstrous machine for manufacturing sorrow +and destruction that mankind had ever devised. I could have shaken my +fist in their solemn faces and shouted "Beasts! you murdered her! You +destroyed that most wonderful woman who lowered herself to love me." + +Actually there was a long silence, and then the Vice-President, Captain +Fruhlingsohn, said, "Speak; we wish you well." + +It was the first touch of sympathy, the only sign of humanity I had +received in all these awful days, and it touched my stubborn heart and +the longed-for tears flowed at last. + +I murmured: "Gentlemen, I am no traitor; but I loved her as my own +soul." + +"Dissolve the Court. Remove the prisoner." Like the clash of iron +gates, officialdom came into its own again. + + * * * * * + +So I am not to be shot! Not even imprisoned! "Don't fall in love with +enemy agents again!"--that summarized their verdict. + +Ha! Ha! Ha! It is all horribly funny. The real reason is that they need +me. I am a trained and skilful slaughterer on the seas; I am an +essential part of the great machine. And they haven't got any spares! I +was in the Mess yesterday when the English papers we get from Amsterdam +arrived. Oh! a pretty surprise awaited the first man who opened _The +Times_. These English had published the names of 150 U-boat commanders +they had caught. There they all were. Christian names and all complete. +The only thing missing was a blank space in which to fill in our names +when the time comes. + +Dinner was a silent meal last night, and next morning some rat of a +Belgian had posted the list on the gatepost of the Mess. The machine +has offered five hundred marks for his apprehension--how foolish; as if +by shooting him they would take any names off the long list. + + * * * * * + +I am to sail at dawn tomorrow. I shall not be sorry to get away for a +space from this place with its mingled memories of delight and death. + + * * * * * + +Back again, and I haven't written a word for three weeks. + +My billet last trip was off Finisterre. I sighted two convoys, but +there were destroyers there; they are so black and swift I don't go +near them. + +I don't want to die in a U-boat. It's not worth while. It is easy to +avoid these convoys. I dive and make a great fuss of attacking, then I +steer divergently. Nobody knows where the enemy is except me; I am the +only one who looks through the periscope--I take good care of that. And +then how I curse and swear when I announce that the convoy has altered +course, and there is no chance of getting in to attack. None of them +are so disappointed as I am! + +The mines get on my nerves, there is no way of dodging them, and Lord! +how they sprout on the Flanders coast. + +I am to go out in six days. It is very little rest. I believe they want +to kill me. But I won't die! Not I. + +I went to her grave yesterday for the first time. I had thought I +should weep, but I did not; in fact it left me quite unmoved. I feel +she's not really dead; she comes to me sometimes, always at night when +I am alone and when we are at sea. There's nothing very tangible, but I +catch an echo of her voice in the surge of the sea along the casing, or +the sound of the breeze as it plays along the aerial. And so I will not +die until she calls me, for up to the present her messages have told me +to live and endure. + + * * * * * + +A very awkward incident took place last night. We were off the Naze and +saw a steamer some distance away. + +We dived to attack. When we were about a mile away I had a look at her, +and something about her put me off. I half thought she was a decoy +ship, and I privately determined I would not attack. I steered a course +which brought me well on her quarter, and as soon as I saw that it was +impossible to get into position to fire I increased speed on the +engines and shook the whole boat in efforts which were ostensibly +directed to getting her into position. At length I eased speed and +bitterly exclaimed that my luck was out. + +The First Lieutenant suggested that we should give her gunfire, but I +pointed out that I had good reason to suspect her of being a wolf in +sheep's clothing, and as he had not seen her he could hardly question +my judgment. I was going forward, when I accidentally overheard the +Navigator and the Engineer talking in the wardroom. I listened. + +The Engineer said: "The Captain doesn't seem to have the luck he used +to command." + +"Or else he has lost skill!" replied Ebert. "We never fired a torpedo +at all last trip, and it looks as if we are following that precedent +this time." + +I had heard enough, and, without their realizing my presence, I +returned to the control room. I considered the situation, and came to +the conclusion that they suspected nothing, but it was evident that +their minds were running on lines of thought which might be dangerous. +I looked at my watch and saw that there was still two hours of daylight +left, and then decided to play a trick on them all. I relieved the +First Lieutenant at the periscope, and when a decent interval of about +half an hour had elapsed I saw a ship. This vessel of my imagination, a +veritable Flying Dutchman in fact, I proceeded to attack, and, after +about twenty minutes of frequent alterations of speed and course, I +electrified the boat by bringing the bow tubes to the ready. + +The usual delay was most artistically arranged, and then I fired. With +secret amusement I watched the two expensive weapons of war rushing +along, but destined to sink ingloriously in the ocean, instead of +burying themselves in the vitals of a ship. An oath from myself and an +order to take the boat to twenty metres. + +With gloomy countenance I curtly remarked: "The port torpedo broke +surface and then dived underneath her, the starboard one missed +astern." + +So far all had gone well, but ten minutes later I nearly made a fatal +error. We had been diving for several hours, the atmosphere was bad, +and as it was dusk I decided to come up, ventilate, and put a charge on +the batteries. I gave the necessary orders, and was on my way up the +conning tower to open the outer hatch. The coxswain had just announced +that the boat was on the surface, when a terrible thought paralysed me, +and I clung helplessly to the ladder trying to think out the situation. + +It had just occurred to me that as soon as the officers and crew came +on deck they would naturally look for the steamer we had recently fired +at; this ship in the time interval which had elapsed would still be in +sight. + +As I came down, the First Lieutenant was at the periscope, looking +round the horizon. Quickly I thrust the youth from the eyepiece, and, +as calmly as I could, said: "I thought I heard propellers." + +Half an hour later we surfaced for the night. I have been wondering +ever since whether they suspect, for the three of them were talking in +the wardroom after dinner and stopped suddenly when I came in. + +I must be careful in future. + + * * * * * + +I was sent for this morning by the Commodore's office, and handed my +appointment as Senior Lieutenant at the barracks Wilhelmshafen. + +No explanation, though I suspected something of the sort was coming, as +three days after we got in from my last trip I was examined by the +medical board attached to the flotilla. + +So I am to leave the U-boat service, and leave it under a cloud! It is +a sad come-down from Captain of a U-boat to Lieutenant in barracks, a +job reserved for the medically unfit for sea service. + +Am I sorry? No, I think I am glad. Life here at Bruges is one long +painful episode. No one speaks to me in the Mess. I am left severely +alone with my memories. The night before last I found a revolver in my +room, and attached to it was a piece of paper bearing the words: "From +a friend." + +Perhaps at Wilhelmshafen it will be different, and yet, when I went +down to the boat at noon and collected my personal affairs and stepped +over her side for the last time, I could not check a feeling of great +sadness. We had endured much together, my boat and I, and the parting +was hard. + + + + + _At Barracks_. + + +As I suspected when I was appointed here, my job is deadly to a degree, +and my main duty is to sign leave passes. + +Our great effort in France has failed, and now the Allies react +furiously. The great war machine is strained to its utmost capacity; +can it endure the load? + +Our proper move is to paralyse the Allied offensive by striking with +all our naval weight at his cross-channel communications. The U-boat +war is too slow, and time is not on our side, whilst a hammer blow down +the Channel might do great things. But we have no naval imagination, +and who am I, that I should advance an opinion? + +A discredited Lieutenant in barracks--that's all. + +Worse and worse--there are rumours of troubles in the Fleet taking +place under certain conditions. + +It is the beginning of the end! + +Last night the High Seas Fleet were ordered to weigh at 8 a.m. this +morning. + +A mutiny broke out in the _König_ and quickly spread. + +By 9 a.m. half a dozen ships were flying the red flag, and to-day +Wilhelmshafen is being administered by the Council of Soldiers and +Sailors. + +There has been little disorder; the men have been unanimous in +declaring that they would not go to sea for a last useless massacre, a +last oblation on the bloodstained altars of war. + +Can they be blamed? Of what use would such sacrifice be? + +Yet to an officer it is all very sad and disheartening. + +I have seen enough to sicken me of the whole German system of making +war, and yet if the call came I know I would gladly go forth and die +when _tout est perdu fors l'honneur_. + +Such instincts are bred deep into the men of families such as mine. + +We approach the culmination of events. To-day Germany has called for an +armistice. It has been inevitable since our Allies began falling away +from us like rotten print. + +The terms will doubtless be hard. + + * * * * * + +Heavens above! but the terms are crushing! + +All the U-boats to be surrendered, the High Seas Fleet interned; why +not say "surrendered" straight out, it will come to that, unless we +blow them up in German ports. + +The end of Kaiserdom has come; we are virtually a republic; it is all +like a dream. + + * * * * * + +We have signed, and the last shot of the world-war has been fired. + +Here everything is confusion; the saner elements are trying to keep +order, the roughs are going round the dockyard and ships, looting +freely. + +"Better we should steal them than the English," and "There is no +Government, so all is free," are two of their cries. + +There has been a little shooting in the streets, and it is not safe for +officers to move about in uniform, though, on the whole, I have +experienced little difficulty. + +I was summoned to-day before the Local Council, which is run by a man +who was a Petty Officer of signals in the _König_. He recognized me and +looked away. + +I was instructed to take U.122 over to Harwich for surrender to the +English. + +I made no difficulty; some one has got to do it, and I verily believe I +am indifferent to all emotions. + +We sail in convoy on the day after tomorrow; that is to say, if the +crew condescend to fuel the boat in time. Three looters were executed +to-day in the dockyard and this has had a steadying effect on the worst +elements. + + * * * * * + +I went on board 122 to-day, and on showing my authority which was +signed by the Council (which has now become the Council of Soldiers, +Sailors and Workmen), the crew of the boat held a meeting at which I +was not invited to be present. + +At its conclusion the coxswain came up to me and informed me that a +resolution had been carried by seventeen votes to ten, to the effect +that I was to be obeyed as Captain of the boat. + +I begged him to convey to the crew my gratification, and expressed the +hope that I should give satisfaction. + +I am afraid the sarcasm was quite lost on them. + + * * * * * + +We are within sixty miles of Harwich and I expect to sight the English +cruisers any moment. + +I wrote some days ago that I was incapable of any emotion. + +I was wrong, as I have been so often during the last two years. + +In fact, I have come to the conclusion that I am no psychologist--I +don't believe we Germans are any good at psychology, and that's the +root reason why we've failed. + +I do feel emotion--it's terrible; the shame--the humiliation is +unbearable. + +I wonder how the English will behave? What a day of triumph for them. + +The signalman has just come down and reported British cruisers right +ahead; it will soon be over. I must go up on deck and exercise my +functions as elected Captain of U.122, and representative of Germany in +defeat. One last effort is demanded, and then---- + + + + +_NOTE_ + + +_This is the last sentence in the diary. It is probable that he suddenly +had to hurry on deck and in the subsequent confusion forgot to rescue +his diary from the locker in which he had thrust it_. + +ETIENNE. + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 7947 *** diff --git a/7947-h/7947-h.htm b/7947-h/7947-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a32656b --- /dev/null +++ b/7947-h/7947-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,8107 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<HTML> +<HEAD> +<TITLE>The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Diary of a U-boat Commander, by Anon</TITLE> +<META HTTP-EQUIV="content-Type" CONTENT="text/html; charset=utf-8"> +<style type="text/css"> +<!-- +body {margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; background-color: white} +img {border: 0;} +h1,h2,h3 {text-align: center;} +.ind {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} +hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} +.ctr {text-align: center;} +--> +</style> +</HEAD> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 7947 ***</div> + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/001.jpg"><img src="images/001th.jpg" alt="We rammed a destroyer, passing through her like a knife through cheese"></a> +</p> + +<hr> + +<h1>The Diary of a U-boat Commander</h1> + +<h2>WITH AN INTRODUCTION AND EXPLANATORY NOTES BY ETIENNE</h2> + +<h3>AND</h3> + +<h2><i>18 Illustrations on Art Paper by Frank H. Mason.</i></h2> + +<hr> + +<h3>BOOKS BY ETIENNE</h3> + +<hr> + +<h3>STRANGE TALES FROM THE FLEET</h3> + +<h3>A NAVAL LIEUTENANT</h3> + +<h3>1914--1918.</h3> + +<p class="ctr"> +"In collaboration with Navallus. +</p> + +<p class="ctr"> +Five Songs from the Grand Fleet." +</p> + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/004.jpg"><img src="images/004th.jpg" alt="...they are so black and swift I don't go near them"></a> +</p> + +<hr> + +<h3>LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS</h3> + +<p> +<a href="images/001.jpg">"We rammed a destroyer, passing through her like a knife through +cheese"</a> +</p> + +<p> +<a href="images/004.jpg">"...they are so black and swift I don't go near them"</a> +</p> + +<p> +<a href="images/049.jpg">"Steering north-westerly ... to lay a small minefield off Newcastle"</a> +</p> + +<p> +<a href="images/050.jpg">"He had suddenly seen the bow waves of a destroyer approaching at full +speed to ram"</a> +</p> + +<p> +<a href="images/083b.jpg">"We were put down by a trawler at dawn"</a> +</p> + +<p> +<a href="images/083a.jpg">"The torpedo had jumped clean out of the water a hundred yards short of the steamer and had then dived under her"</a> +</p> + +<p> +<a href="images/084.jpg">"A moment later there was a severe jar; we had struck the bottom"</a> +</p> + +<p> +<a href="images/117.jpg">"As the dim lights on the mole disappeared, the ceaseless fountain of +star-shells, mingling with the flashing of guns, rose inland on our +port beam"</a> +</p> + +<p> +<a href="images/118.jpg">"We hit her aft for the second time...."</a> +</p> + +<p> +<a href="images/151.jpg">"The track met our ram"</a> +</p> + +<p> +<a href="images/152.jpg">"In the flash I caught a glimpse of his conning tower"</a> +</p> + +<p> +<a href="images/201.jpg">"The 1,000 kilogrammes of metal crashed down"</a> +</p> + +<p> +<a href="images/202a.jpg">"Good-bye! Steer west for America!"</a> +</p> + +<p> +<a href="images/202b.jpg">"It is a snug anchorage, and here I intend to remain"</a> +</p> + +<p> +<a href="images/251.jpg">"A trapdoor near her bows fell down, the White Ensign was broken at the +fore, and a 4-inch gun opened fire from the embrasure that was revealed +on her side"</a> +</p> + +<p> +<a href="images/252.jpg">"I sighted two convoys, but there were destroyers there...."</a> +</p> + +<p> +<a href="images/285.jpg">"... when there was a blinding flash and the air seemed filled with moaning fragments"</a> +</p> + +<p> +<a href="images/286.jpg">"When I put up my periscope at 9 a.m. the horizon seemed to be ringed +with patrols"</a> +</p> + +<hr> + +<h3>INTRODUCTION</h3> + +<p> +"I would ask you a favour," said the German captain, as we sat in the +cabin of a U-boat which had just been added to the long line of +bedraggled captives which stretched themselves for a mile or more in +Harwich Harbour, in November, 1918. +</p> + +<p> +I made no reply; I had just granted him a favour by allowing him to +leave the upper deck of the submarine, in order that he might await the +motor launch in some sort of privacy; why should he ask for more? +</p> + +<p> +Undeterred by my silence, he continued: "I have a great friend, +Lieutenant-zu-See Von Schenk, who brought U.122 over last week; he has +lost a diary, quite private, he left it in error; can he have it?" +</p> + +<p> +I deliberated, felt a certain pity, then remembered the <i>Belgian +Prince</i> and other things, and so, looking the German in the face, I +said: +</p> + +<p> +"I can do nothing." +</p> + +<p> +"Please." +</p> + +<p> +I shook my head, then, to my astonishment, the German placed his head +in his hands and wept, his massive frame (for he was a very big man) +shook in irregular spasms; it was a most extraordinary spectacle. +</p> + +<p> +It seemed to me absurd that a man who had suffered, without visible +emotion, the monstrous humiliation of handing over his command intact, +should break down over a trivial incident concerning a diary, and not +even his own diary, and yet there was this man crying openly before me. +</p> + +<p> +It rather impressed me, and I felt a curious shyness at being present, +as if I had stumbled accidentally into some private recess of his mind. +I closed the cabin door, for I heard the voices of my crew approaching. +</p> + +<p> +He wept for some time, perhaps ten minutes, and I wished very much to +know of what he was thinking, but I couldn't imagine how it would be +possible to find out. +</p> + +<p> +I think that my behaviour in connection with his friend's diary added +the last necessary drop of water to the floods of emotion which he had +striven, and striven successfully, to hold in check during the agony of +handing over the boat, and now the dam had crumbled and broken away. +</p> + +<p> +It struck me that, down in the brilliantly-lit, stuffy little cabin, +the result of the war was epitomized. On the table were some +instruments I had forbidden him to remove, but which my first +lieutenant had discovered in the engineer officer's bag. +</p> + +<p> +On the settee lay a cheap, imitation leather suit-case, containing his +spare clothes and a few books. At the table sat Germany in defeat, +weeping, but not the tears of repentance, rather the tears of bitter +regret for humiliations undergone and ambitions unrealized. +</p> + +<p> +We did not speak again, for I heard the launch come alongside, and, as +she bumped against the U-boat, the noise echoed through the hull into +the cabin, and aroused him from his sorrows. He wiped his eyes, and, +with an attempt at his former hardiness, he followed me on deck and +boarded the motor launch. +</p> + +<p> +Next day I visited U.122, and these papers are presented to the public, +with such additional remarks as seemed desirable; for some curious +reason the author seems to have omitted nearly all dates. This may have +been due to the fear that the book, if captured, would be of great +value to the British Intelligence Department if the entries were dated. +The papers are in the form of two volumes in black leather binding, +with a long letter inside the cover of the second volume. +</p> + +<p> +<i>Internal evidence has permitted me to add the dates as regards the +years. My thanks are due to K. for assistance in translation</i>. +</p> + +<p> +ETIENNE. +</p> + +<hr> + +<h3>The Diary of a U-boat Commander</h3> + + +<br> +<br> + +<p> +One volume of my war-journal completed, and I must confess it is dull +reading. +</p> + +<p> +I could not help smiling as I read my enthusiastic remarks at the +outbreak of war, when we visualized battles by the week. What a +contrast between our expectations and the actual facts. +</p> + +<p> +Months of monotony, and I haven't even seen an Englishman yet. +</p> + +<p> +Our battle cruisers have had a little amusement with the coast raids at +Scarborough and elsewhere, but we battle-fleet fellows have seen +nothing, and done nothing. +</p> + +<p> +So I have decided to volunteer for the U-boat service, and my name went +in last week, though I am told it may be months before I am taken, as +there are about 250 lieutenants already on the waiting list. +</p> + +<p> +But sooner or later I suppose something will come of it. +</p> + +<p> +I shall have no cause to complain of inactivity in that Service, if I +get there. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +I am off to-night for a six-days trip, two days of which are to be +spent in the train, to the Verdun sector. +</p> + +<p> +It has been a great piece of luck. The trip had been arranged by the +Military and Naval Inter-communication Department; and two officers +from this squadron were to go. +</p> + +<p> +There were 130 candidates, so we drew lots; as usual I was lucky and +drew one of the two chances. +</p> + +<p> +It should be intensely interesting. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>At</i> ---- +</p> + +<p> +I arrived here last night after a slow and tiresome journey, which was +somewhat alleviated by an excellent bottle of French wine which I +purchased whilst in the Champagne district. +</p> + +<p> +Long before we reached the vicinity of Verdun it was obvious to the +most casual observer that we were heading for a centre of unusual +activity. +</p> + +<p> +Hospital trains travelling north-east and east were numerous, and twice +our train, which was one of the ordinary military trains, was shunted +on to a siding to allow troop trains to rumble past. +</p> + +<p> +As we approached Verdun the noise of artillery, which I had heard +distantly once or twice during the day, as the casual railway train +approached the front, became more intense and grew from a low murmur +into a steady noise of a kind of growling description, punctuated at +irregular intervals by very deep booms as some especially heavy piece +was discharged, or an ammunition dump went up. +</p> + +<p> +The country here is very different from the mud flats of Flanders, as +it is hilly and well wooded. The Meuse, in the course of centuries, has +cut its way through the rampart of hills which surround Verdun, and we +are attacking the place from three directions. On the north we are +slowly forcing the French back on either river bank--a very costly +proceeding, as each wing must advance an equal amount, or the one that +advances is enfiladed from across the river. +</p> + +<p> +We are also slowly creeping forward from the east and north-east in the +direction of Douaumont. +</p> + +<p> +I am attached to a 105-cm. battery, a young Major von Markel in +command, a most charming fellow. I spent all to-day in the advanced +observing position with a young subaltern called Grabel, also a nice +young fellow. I was in position at 6 a.m., and, as apparently is common +here, mist hides everything from view until the sun attains a certain +strength. Our battery was supporting the attack on the north side of +the river, though the battery itself was on the south side, and firing +over a hill called L'Homme Mort. +</p> + +<p> +Von Markel told me that the fighting here has not been previously +equalled in the war, such is the intensity of the combat and the price +each side is paying. +</p> + +<p> +I could see for myself that this was so, and the whole atmosphere of +the place is pregnant with the supreme importance of this struggle, +which may well be the dying convulsions of decadent France. +</p> + +<p> +His Imperial Majesty himself has arrived on the scene to witness the +final triumph of our arms, and all agree that the end is imminent. +</p> + +<p> +Once we get Verdun, it is the general opinion that this portion of the +French front will break completely, carrying with it the adjacent +sectors, and the French Armies in the Vosges and Argonne will be +committed to a general retreat on converging lines. +</p> + +<p> +But, favourable as this would be to us, it is generally considered here +that the fall of Verdun will break the moral resistance of the French +nation. +</p> + +<p> +The feeling is, that infinitely more is involved than the capture of a +French town, or even the destruction of a French Army; it is a question +of stamina; it is the climax of the world war, the focal point of the +colossal struggle between the Latin and the Teuton, and on the +battlefields of Verdun the gods will decide the destinies of nations. +</p> + +<p> +When I got to the forward observing position, which was situated among +the ruins of a house, a most amazing noise made conversation difficult. +</p> + +<p> +The orchestra was in full blast and something approaching 12,000 pieces +of all sizes were in action on our side alone, this being the greatest +artillery concentration yet effected during the war. +</p> + +<p> +We were situated on one side of a valley which ran up at right angles +to the river, whose actual course was hidden by mist, which also +obscured the bottom of our valley. The front line was down in this +little valley, and as I arrived we lifted our barrage on to the far +hill-side to cover an attack which we were delivering at dawn. +</p> + +<p> +Nothing could be seen of the conflict down below, but after half an +hour we received orders to bring back our barrage again, and Grabel +informed me that the attack had evidently failed. This afternoon I +heard that it was indeed so, and that one division (the 58th), which +had tried to work along the river bank and outflank the hill, had been +caught by a concentration of six batteries of French 75's, which were +situated across the river. The unfortunate 58th, forced back from the +river-side, had heroically fought their way up the side of the hill, +only to encounter our barrage, which, owing to the mist, we thought was +well above and ahead of where they would be. +</p> + +<p> +Under this fresh blow the 58th had retired to their trenches at the +bottom of the small valley. As the day warmed up the mist disappeared, +and, like a theatre curtain, the lifting of this veil revealed the +whole scene in its terrible and yet mechanical splendour. +</p> + +<p> +I say mechanical, for it all seemed unreal to me. I knew I should not +see cavalry charges, guns in the open, and all the old-world panoply of +war, but I was not prepared for this barren and shell-torn circle of +hills, continually being freshly, and, to an uninformed observer, +aimlessly lashed by shell fire. +</p> + +<p> +Not a man in sight, though below us the ground was thickly strewn with +corpses. Overhead a few aeroplanes circled round amidst balls of white +shell bursts. +</p> + +<p> +During the day the slow-circling aeroplanes (which were artillery +observing machines) were galvanized into frightful activity by the +sudden appearance of a fighting machine on one side or the other; this +happened several times; it reminded me of a pike amongst young trout. +</p> + +<p> +After lunch I saw a Spad shot down in flames, it was like Lucifer +falling down from high heavens. The whole scene was enframed by a +sluggish line of observation balloons. +</p> + +<p> +Sometimes groups of these would hastily sink to earth, to rise again +when the menace of the aeroplane had passed. These balloons seemed more +like phlegmatic spectators at some athletic contest than actual +participants in the events. +</p> + +<p> +I wish my pen could convey to paper the varied impressions created +within my mind in the course of the past day; but it cannot. I have the +consolation that, though I think that I have considerable ability as a +writer, yet abler pens than mine have abandoned in despair the task of +describing a modern battle. +</p> + +<p> +I can but reiterate that the dominant impression that remains is of the +mechanical nature of this business of modern war, and yet such an +impression is a false one, for as in the past so to-day, and so in the +future, it is the human element which is, has been, and will be the +foundation of all things. +</p> + +<p> +Once only in the course of the day did I see men in any numbers, and +that was when at 3 p.m. the French were detected massing for a +counter-attack on the south side of the river. It was doomed to be +still-born. As they left their trenches, distant pigmy figures in +horizon blue, apparently plodding slowly across the ground, they were +lashed by an intensive barrage and the little figures were obliterated +in a series of spouting shell bursts. +</p> + +<p> +Five minutes later the barrage ceased, the smoke drifted away and not a +man was to be seen. Grabel told me that it had probably cost them 750 +casualties. What an amazing and efficient destruction of living +organism! +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Another most interesting day, though of a different nature. +</p> + +<p> +To-day was spent witnessing the arrangements for dealing with the +wounded. I spent the morning at an advanced dressing station on the +south bank of the river. It was in a cellar, beneath the ruins of a +house, about 400 yards from the front line and under heavy shell-fire, +as close at hand was the remains of what had been a wood, which was +being used as a concentration point for reserves. +</p> + +<p> +The cover afforded by this so-called wood was extremely slight, and the +troops were concentrating for the innumerable attacks and +counter-attacks which were taking place under shell fire. This caused +the surgeon in charge of the cellar to describe the wood as our main +supply station! +</p> + +<p> +I entered the cellar at 8 a.m., taking advantage of a partial lull in +the shelling, but a machine-gun bullet viciously flipped into a wooden +beam at the entrance as I ducked to go in. I was not sorry to get +underground. A sloping path brought me into the cellar, on one side of +which sappers were digging away the earth to increase the +accommodation. +</p> + +<p> +The illumination consisted of candles set in bottles and some electric +hand lamps. The centre of the cellar was occupied by two portable +operating tables, rarely untenanted during the three hours I spent in +this hell. +</p> + +<p> +The atmosphere--for there was no ventilation--stank of sweat, blood, +and chloroform. +</p> + +<p> +By a powerful effort I countered my natural tendency to vomit, and +looked around me. The sides of the cellar were lined with figures on +stretchers. Some lay still and silent, others writhed and groaned. At +intervals, one of the attendants would call the doctor's attention to +one of the still forms. A hasty examination ensued, and the stretcher +and its contents were removed. A few minutes later the +stretcher--empty--returned. The surgeon explained to me that there was +no room for corpses in the cellar; business, he genially remarked, was +too brisk at the present crucial stage of the great battle. +</p> + +<p> +The first feelings of revulsion having been mastered, I determined to +make the most of my opportunities, as I have always felt that the naval +officer is at a great disadvantage in war as compared with his +military brother, in that he but rarely has a chance of accustoming +himself to the unpleasant spectacle of torn flesh and bones. +</p> + +<p> +This morning there was no lack of material, and many of the intestinal +wounds were peculiarly revolting, so that at lunch-time, when another +convenient lull in the torrent of shell fire enabled me to leave the +cellar, I felt thoroughly hardened; in fact I had assisted in a humble +degree at one or two operations. +</p> + +<p> +I had lunch at the 11th Army Medical Headquarters Mess, and it was a +sumptuous meal to which I did full justice. +</p> + +<p> +After lunch, whilst waiting to be motored to a field hospital, I +happened to see a battalion of Silesian troops about to go up to the +front line. +</p> + +<p> +It was rather curious feeling that one was looking at men, each in +himself a unit of civilization, and yet many of whom were about to die +in the interests thereof. +</p> + +<p> +Their faces were an interesting study. +</p> + +<p> +Some looked careless and debonair, and seemed to swing past with a +touch of recklessness in their stride, others were grave and serious, +and seemed almost to plod forward to the dictates of an inevitable +fatalism. +</p> + +<p> +The field hospital, where we met some very charming nurses, on one of + +whom I think I created a distinct impression, was not particularly +interesting. It was clean, well-organized and radiated the efficiency +inseparable from the German Army. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Back at Wilhelmshaven--curse it! +</p> + +<p> +Yesterday morning, when about to start on a tour of the ammunition +supply arrangements, I received an urgent wire recalling me at once! +</p> + +<p> +There was nothing for it but to obey. +</p> + +<p> +I was lucky enough to get a passage as far as Mons in an albatross +scout which was taking dispatches to that place. +</p> + +<p> +From there I managed to bluff a motor car out of the town commandant--a +most obliging fellow. This took me to Aachen where I got an express. +</p> + +<p> +The reason for my recall was that Witneisser went sick and Arnheim +being away, this has left only two in the operations ciphering +department. +</p> + +<p> +My arrival has made us three. It is pretty strenuous work and, being of +a clerical nature, suits me little. The only consolation is that many +of the messages are most interesting. I was looking through the back +files the other day and amongst other interesting information I came +across the wireless report from the boat that had sunk the <i>Lusitania</i>. +</p> + +<p> +It has always been a mystery to me why we sank her, as I do not believe +those things pay. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Arnheim has come back, so I have got out of the ciphering department, +to my great delight. +</p> + +<p> +I have received official information that my application for U-boats +has been received. Meanwhile all there is to do is to sit at +this ---- hole and wait. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +<i>2nd June</i>, 1916. +</p> + +<p> +I have fought in the greatest sea battle of the ages; it has been a +wonderful and terrible experience. +</p> + +<p> +All the details of the battle will be history, but I feel that I must +place on record my personal experiences. +</p> + +<p> +We have not escaped without marks, and the good old <i>König</i> brought 67 +dead and 125 wounded into port as the price of the victory off +Skajerack, but of the English there are thousands who slept their last +sleep in the wrecked hulls of the battle cruisers which will rust for +eternal ages upon the Jutland banks. +</p> + +<p> +Sad as our losses are--and the gallant <i>Lutzow</i> has sunk in sight of +home--I am filled with pride. +</p> + +<p> +We have met that great armada the British Fleet, we have struck them +with a hammer blow and we have returned. I was asleep in my cabin when +the news came that Hipper was coming south with the British battle +cruisers on his beam. In five minutes we were at our action stations. +We made contact with Hipper at 5.30 p.m., [<a href="#f1">1</a>] and Beatty turned north +with his cruisers and fast battleships and we pursued. +</p> + +<p class="ind"> +<a name="f1">1.</a> This is 4.30 G.M.T.--Etienne +</p> + +<p> +Two of the great ships had been sunk by our battle cruisers, and we had +hopes of destroying the remainder, when at 6.55 the mist on the +northern horizon was pierced by the formidable line of the British +Battle Fleet. +</p> + +<p> +Jellicoe had arrived! +</p> + +<p> +Three battle cruisers became involved between the lines, and in an +instant one was blown up, and another crawled west in a sinking +condition. Sudden and terrible are events in a modern sea-battle. +</p> + +<p> +Confronted with the concentrated force of Britain's Battle Fleet we +turned to east, and for twenty minutes our High Seas Fleet sustained +the unequal contest. +</p> + +<p> +It was during this period that we were hit seventeen times by heavy +shell, though, in my position in the after torpedo control tower, I +only realized one hit had taken place, which was when a shell plunged +into the after turret and, blowing the roof off, killed every member of +the turret's crew. +</p> + +<p> +From my position, when the smoke and dust had blown away, I looked down +into a mass of twisted machinery, amongst which I seemed to detect the +charred remains of bodies. +</p> + +<p> +At about 7.40 we turned, under cover of our smoke screen, and steered +south-west. +</p> + +<p> +Our position was not satisfactory, as the last information of the enemy +reported them as turning to the southward; consequently they were +between us and Heligoland. +</p> + +<p> +At 11 p.m. we received a signal for divisions of battle fleets to steer +independently for the Horn Reef swept channel. +</p> + +<p> +Ten minutes later we underwent the first of five destroyer attacks. +</p> + +<p> +The British destroyers, searching wide in the night, had located us, +and with desperate gallantry pressed home the attack again and again. +So close did they come that about 1.30 a.m. we rammed one, passing +through her like a knife through a cheese. +</p> + +<p> +It was a wonderful spectacle to see those sinister craft, rushing madly +to their destruction down the bright beam of our powerful searchlights. +It was an avenue of death for them, but to the credit of their Service +it must stand that throughout the long nightmare they did not hesitate. +</p> + +<p> +The surrounding darkness seemed to vomit forth flotilla after flotilla +of these cavalry of the sea. +</p> + +<p> +And they struck us once, a torpedo right forward, which will keep us in +dock for a month, but did no vital injury. +</p> + +<p> +When morning dawned, misty and soft, as is its way in June in the +Bight, we were to the eastward of the British, and so we came +honourably home to Wilhelmshaven, feeling that the young Navy had laid +worthy foundations for its tradition to grow upon. +</p> + +<p> +We are to report at Kiel, and shall be six weeks upon the job. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +<i>Frankfurt</i>. +</p> + +<p> +Back on seventeen days' leave, and everyone here very anxious to hear +details of the battle of Skajerack. +</p> + +<p> +It is very pleasant to have something to talk to the women about. +Usually the gallant field greys hold the drawing-room floor, with their +startling tales from the Western Front, of how they nearly took Verdun, +and would have if the British hadn't insisted on being slaughtered on +the Somme. +</p> + +<p> +It is quite impossible in many ways to tell that there is a war on as +far as social life in this place is concerned. +</p> + +<p> +There is a shortage of good coffee and that is about all. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Arrived back on board last night. +</p> + +<p> +They have made a fine job of us, and we go through the canal to the +Schillig Roads early next week. +</p> + +<p> +We are to do three weeks' gunnery practices from there, to train the +new drafts. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +1916 (<i>about August</i>). +</p> + +<p> +At last! Thank Heavens, my application has been granted. Schmitt (the +Secretary) told me this morning that a letter has come from the +Admiralty to say that I am to present myself for medical examination at +the board at Wilhelmshaven to-morrow. +</p> + +<p> +What joy! to strike a blow at last, finished for ever the cursed +monotony of inactivity of this High Seas Fleet life. But the U-boat +war! Ah! that goes well. We shall bring those stubborn, blood-sucking +islanders to their knees by striking at them through their bellies. +</p> + +<p> +When I think of London and no food, and Glasgow and no food, then who +can say what will happen? Revolt! rebellion in England, and our brave +field greys on the west will smash them to atoms in the spring of 1917, +and I, Karl Schenk, will have helped directly in this! Great +thought--but calm! I am not there yet, there is still this confounded +medical board. I almost wish I had not drunk so much last night, not +that it makes any difference, but still one must run no risks, for I +hear that the medical is terribly strict for the U-boat service. Only +the cream is skimmed! Well, to-morrow we shall see. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Passed! and with flying colours; it seemed absurdly easy and only took +ten minutes, but then my physique is magnificent, thanks to the +physical training I have always done. I am now due to get three weeks' +leave, and then to Zeebrugge. +</p> + +<p> +I have wired to the little mother at Frankfurt. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>At Zeebrugge, or rather Bruges.</i> +</p> + +<p> +I spent three weeks at home, all the family are pleased except mother; +she has a woman's dread of danger; it is a pleasing characteristic in +peace time, but a cloy on pleasure in days of war. To her, with the +narrowness of a female's intellect, I really believe I am of more +importance than the Fatherland--how absurd. Whilst at Frankfurt I saw a +good deal of Rosa; she seems better looking each time I meet her; +doubtless she is still developing to full womanhood. Moritz was home +from Flanders. He had ten days' leave from Ypres, and, though I have a +dislike for him, he certainly was interesting, though why the English +cling to those wretched ruins is more than I can understand. +</p> + +<p> +I felt instinctively that in a sense Moritz and I were rivals where +Rosa was concerned, though I have never considered her in that +light--as yet. One day, perhaps? These women are much the same +everywhere, and I could see that having entered the U-boat service made +a difference with Rosa, though her logic should have told her that I +was no different. But is that right? After all, it is something to have +joined this service; the Guards themselves have no better cachet, and +it is certainly cheaper. +</p> + +<p> +Here we live in billets and in a commandeered hotel. The life ashore is +pleasant enough; the damned Belgians are sometimes sulky, but they know +who is master. Bissing (a splendid chap) sees to that. +</p> + +<p> +As a matter of fact we have benefited them by our occupation, the shops +do a roaring trade at preposterous prices, and shamefully enough the +German shopkeepers are most guilty. These pot-bellied merchants don't +seem to realize that they exist owing to our exertions. +</p> + +<p> +I was much struck with the beautiful orderliness of the small gardens +which we have laid out since 1914, and, in fact, wherever one looks +there is evidence of the genius of the German race for thorough +organization. Yet these Belgians don't seem to appreciate it. I can't +understand it. +</p> + +<p> +I find here that social life is very much gayer than at that mad town +of Wilhelmshaven. At the High Seas Fleet bases there was the strictness +and austerity that some people seem to consider necessary to show that +we are at war, though Heaven knows there was precious little war in the +High Seas Fleet; perhaps that was why the "blood and iron" régime was +in full order ashore. Here, in Bruges, at any rate as far as the +submarine officers are concerned, the matter is far different. When the +boats are in, one seems to do as one likes, with a perfunctory visit to +the ship in the course of the day. +</p> + +<p> +Witnitz (the Commodore) favours complete relaxation when in from a +trip. In the evenings there are parties, for which there are always +ladies, and I find it is necessary to have a "smoking."[<a href="#f2">2</a>] I went to +the best tailor to buy one, and found that I must have one made at the +damnable price of 140 marks; the fitter, an oily Jew, had the +incredible impertinence to assure me it would be cut on London lines! +</p> + +<p class="ind"> +<a name="f2">2.</a> A dinner jacket. +</p> + +<p> +I nearly felled him to the ground; can one never get away from England +and things English? I'll see his account waits a bit before I settle +it. +</p> + +<p> +There are several fellows I know here. Karl Müller, who was 3rd +watchkeeper in the <i>Yorck</i>, and Adolf Hilfsbaumer, who was captain of +G.176, are the two I know best. They are both doing a few trips as +second in commands of the later U.C. boats, which are mine-laying off +the English coasts. This is a most dangerous operation, and nearly all +the U.C. boats are commanded by reserve officers, of whom there are a +good many in the Mess. +</p> + +<p> +Excellent fellows, no doubt, but somewhat uncouth and lacking the finer +points of breeding; as far as I can see in the short time I have been +here they keep themselves to themselves a good deal. I certainly don't +wish to mix with them. Unfortunately, it appears that I am almost bound +to be appointed as second in command of one of the U.C. boats, for at +least one trip before I go to the periscope school and train for a +command of my own. The idea of being bottled up in an elongated cigar +and under the command of one of those nautical plough-boys is +repellent. However, the Von Schenks have never been too proud to obey +in order to learn how to command. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +I have been appointed second in command to U.C.47. Her captain is one +Max Alten by name. Beyond the fact that I saw him drunk one night in +the Mess I know nothing of him. +</p> + +<p> +I reported to him and he seems rather in awe of me. His fears are +groundless. +</p> + +<p> +I shall make it as easy as possible for him, for it must be as awkward +for him as it is unpleasant for me. +</p> + +<p> +To celebrate my proper entry into the U-boat service, I gave a dinner +party last night in a private room at "Le Coq d'Or." I asked Karl and +Adolf, and told them to bring three girls. My opposite number was a +lovely girl called Zoe something or other. I wore my "smoking" for the +first time; it is certainly a becoming costume. +</p> + +<p> +We drank a good deal of champagne and had a very pleasant little +debauch; the girls got very merry, and I kissed Zoe once. She was not +very angry. I think she is thoroughly charming, and I have accepted an +invitation to take tea at her flat. She is either the wife or the chère +amie of a colonel in the Brandenburgers, I could not make out which. +Luckily the gallant "Cockchafer" is at the moment on the La Bassée +sector, where I was interested to observe that heavy fighting has +broken out to-day. I must console the fair Zoe! +</p> + +<p> +Both Karl and Adolf got rather drunk, Adolf hopelessly so, but I, as +usual, was hardly affected. I have a head of iron, provided the liquor +is good, and <i>I</i> saw to that point. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +We were sailing, or rather going down the canal to Zeebrugge on Friday, +but the starting resistance of the port main motor burnt out and we +were delayed till Sunday, as they will fit a new one. +</p> + +<p> +I must confess the organization for repair work here is admirable, as +very little is done by the crews in the U-boats, all work being carried +out by the permanent staff, who are quartered at Bruges docks. Taking +advantage of the delay I called on Zoe Stein, as I find she is named. +</p> + +<p> +It appears she is <i>not</i> married to Colonel Stein. She told me he was +fat and ugly, and laughed a good deal about him. She showed me his +photograph, and certainly he is no beauty. However, he must be a man of +means, as he has given her a charming flat, beautifully decorated with +water-colours which the Colonel salved from the French château in the +early days--these army fellows had all the chances. +</p> + +<p> +I bade an affectionate farewell to Zoe, and I trust Stein will be still +busily engaged at La Bassée when I return in a fortnight's time! I am +greatly obliged to Karl for the introduction, and told him so; he +himself is running after a little grass widow whose husband has been +missing for some months. I think Karl finds it an expensive game; +luckily Zoe seems well supplied with money--the essential ingredient in +a joyous life. +</p> + +<p> +On Friday night we had an air-raid--a frequent event here, but my first +experience in this line. Unpleasant, but a fine spectacle, considerable +damage done near the docks and an unexploded bomb fell in a street near +our headquarters. +</p> + +<p> +Two machines (British) brought down in flames. I saw the green balls +[<a href="#f3">3</a>] for the first time. A most fascinating sight to see them floating +up in waving chains into the vault of heaven; they reminded me of +making daisy chains as a child. +</p> + +<p class="ind"> +<a name="f3">3.</a> Known as "Flying-onions." +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +<i>At Zeebrugge</i>. +</p> + +<p> +We are alongside the mole in one of the new submarine shelters that has +been built. +</p> + +<p> +The boat is under a concrete roof over three feet thick, which would +defy the heaviest bomb. +</p> + +<p> +We have much improved the port since our arrival. The port, so-called, +is purely artificial, and actually consists of a long mole with a +gentle curve in it, which reaches out to seaward and protects the mouth +of the canal. The tides are very strong up and down the coast, and +constant dredging is carried out to keep 20 feet of water over the sill +at the lock gates. +</p> + +<p> +On arrival last night we went straight into No. 11 shelter, as an +air-raid was expected, but nothing happened, so I went up to the +"Flandre," which seems to be the best hotel here, full of submarine +people, and I heard many interesting stories. There seems no doubt this +U-boat war is dangerous work; I find the U.C. boats are beginning to be +called the Suicide Club, after the famous English story of that name, +which, curiously enough, I saw on the kinematograph at Frankfurt last +leave. We Germans are extraordinarily broad-minded; I doubt if the +works of German authors are seen on the screens in England or France. +</p> + +<p> +The news from the West is good, the English are hurling themselves to +destruction against our steel front. We are now to load up with mines. +I must stop writing to superintend this work. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +<i>At sea. Near the South Dogger Light.</i> +</p> + +<p> +We loaded up the ten mines we carry in an hour and five minutes. They +were lifted from a railway truck by a big crane and delicately lowered +into the mine tubes, of which we have five in the bows. +</p> + +<p> +The tubes extend from the upper deck of the ship to her keel, and slope +aft to facilitate release. Having completed with fuel at Bruges, we +took in a store of provisions and Alten went up to the Commodore's +office to get our sailing orders. +</p> + +<p> +We sailed at 6 p.m. and at last I felt I was off. To-day, the 22nd, we +are just north of the South Dogger, steering north-westerly at 9-1/2 +knots. +</p> + +<p> +The sea is quite calm and everything is very pleasant. Our mission is +to lay a small minefield off Newcastle in the East Coast war channel. I +have, of course, never been to sea for any length of time in a U-boat, +and it is all very novel. +</p> + +<p> +I find the roar of the Diesel engine very relentless, and last night +slept badly in a wretched bunk, which was a poor substitute for my +lovely quarters in the barracks at Wilhelmshaven. One thing I +appreciate, and that is the food; it is really excellent: fresh milk, +fresh butter, white bread and many other luxuries. +</p> + +<p> +I have spent most of the day picking up things about the boat. Her +general arrangement is as follows: +</p> + +<p> +Starting in the bows, mine tubes occupy the centre of the boat, leaving +two narrow passages, one each side. In the port passage is the wireless +cabinet and signal flag lockers, with store rooms underneath. In the +starboard passage are one or two small pumps and the kitchen. +</p> + +<p> +The next compartment contains four bunks, two each side, these are +occupied by Alten, myself, the engineer, and the Navigating Warrant +Officer. Proceeding further aft one enters the control room, in which +one periscope is situated, and the necessary valves and pumps for +diving the boat. +</p> + +<p> +The next compartment is the crew space; ten of the company exist here. +</p> + +<p> +Overhead on each side is the gear for releasing the torpedoes from the +external torpedo tubes, of which we carry one each side. I think we +borrowed this idea from the Russians. +</p> + +<p> +Then comes the engine-room, an inferno of rattling noises, but +excellent engines, I believe. At the after end of the engine-room are +the two main switchboards, of whose manner of working I am at present +in some ignorance. +</p> + +<p> +The two main sets of electric motors are underneath the boards, in the +stern, where we have a third torpedo tube. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +I had hardly written the above words when a message came that the +captain would like me to come to the bridge. +</p> + +<p> +I went up in a leisurely fashion, through the conning tower, which is +over the control room, and reported myself. He indicated a low-lying +patch of smoke on the horizon far away on the starboard bow. I was +obliged to confess that it conveyed nothing to me, when he aroused my +intense interest by stating that it was, without doubt, being emitted +from a British submarine, who are known to frequent these waters. He +was proceeding away from us, and was, even then, six or seven miles +away, so an attack was out of the question. The engineer, who had +joined us, drew my attention to the thin wisp of almost invisible +blue-grey smoke from our own stern. The contrast was certainly +striking! +</p> + +<p> +Over dinner I gave it as my opinion that the British boats were pretty +useless. Alten would not agree, and stated that, though in certain +technical aspects they were in a position of inferiority, yet in +personnel and skill in attacking they were fully our equals. He seemed +to hold them in considerable respect, and he remarked that, when making +a passage, he was more anxious on their account than in any other way. +He informed me that, on the last passage he made, he was attacked by a +British boat which he never saw, the only indication he received being +a torpedo which jumped out of the water almost over his tail. Luckily +it was very rough at the time, which made the torpedo run erratically, +otherwise they would undoubtedly have been hit. +</p> + +<p> +What appeared to astonish him was the fact that the British boat had +been able to make an attack in such weather. We are now charging on one +engine, 500 amperes on each half-battery. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +We are due back at Zeebrugge at 10 p.m. to-night. We should have been +in at dawn to-day, but we received a wireless from the senior officer, +Zeebrugge, to say that mine-laying was suspected, and we were to wait +till the "Q.R." channel, from the Blankenberg buoy, had been swept. We +lay in the bottom for eight hours, a few miles from the western end of +the channel. +</p> + +<p> +Our trip was quite successful, but not without certain excitements. +</p> + +<p> +On the night of the 23rd we passed fairly close to a fishing fleet on +the Dogger Bank, and saw the lights of several steamers in the +distance. As our first business was to lay our mines in the appointed +place, we did not worry them. +</p> + +<p> +We burnt usual navigation lights, or rather side lights which appear to +be usual, except that, by a little fitting which Alten has made +himself, the arcs of bearing on which the lights show can be changed at +will. His idea is that, should we appear to be approaching a steamer +which he wishes to avoid, in many cases, by shining a little more or +less red and green light, we can make her think that we are a steamer +on such a course that it is her duty by the rules of the road to keep +clear of us. +</p> + +<p> +He tells me it has worked on several occasions, and he has also found +it useful to have two small auxiliary side lights fitted which are the +wrong colours for the sides they are on. It is, of course, only neutral +shipping which carry lights nowadays, though Alten says that many +British ships are still incredibly careless in the matter of lights. +</p> + +<p> +However, to resume my account of what happened. We reached our position +at dawn or slightly after, the weather was beautifully calm and the sea +like glass. As we were only three miles from the English coast, and +close to the mouth of the Tyne, we were extraordinarily lucky to have +nothing in sight, if one excepts a long smudge of smoke which trailed +across the horizon to the southward. +</p> + +<p> +The land itself was obscured by early morning banks of mist, yet +everything was so still that we actually faintly heard the whistle of a +train. I could hardly restrain from suggesting to Alten that we should +elevate the 10-cm. gun to fifteen degrees and fire a few rounds on to +"proud Albion's virgin shores," but I did not do so as I felt fairly +certain that he would not approve, and I do not wish to lay myself open +to rebuffs from him after his behaviour concerning the smoking +incident. I boil with rage at the thought, but again I digress. +</p> + +<p> +The fact that the land was obscured was favourable from the point of +view that we were not worried by coast watchers, but unfavourable from +the standpoint that we were unable to take bearings of anything and so +ascertain our exact position. +</p> + +<p> +The importance of this point in submarine mine-laying is obvious, for, +owing to our small cargo of eggs, it is quite possible that we may be +sent here again, to lay an adjacent field, in which case it is highly +desirable to know the exact position of one's previous effort. +</p> + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/049.jpg"><img src="images/049th.jpg" alt="Steering north-westerly...; to lay a small minefield +off Newcastle"></a> +</p> + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/050.jpg"><img src="images/050th.jpg" alt="He had suddenly seen the bow waves of a destroyer approaching at full speed to ram"></a> +</p> + +<p> +We were somewhat assisted in our efforts to locate ourselves by the +fact that a seven-fathom patch existed exactly where we had to lay. We +picked up the edge of this bank with our sounding machine, and steering +north half a mile, laid our mines in latitude--No! on second thoughts I +will omit the precise position, for, though I shall take every +precaution, there is no saying that through some misfortune this +Journal might not get into the wrong hands. +</p> + +<p> +I am very glad I decided to keep these notes, as I shall take much +pleasure in reading them when Victory crowns our efforts and the joys +of a peaceful life return. +</p> + +<p> +I found it a delightful sensation being so close to the enemy coast, in +his territorial waters, in fact. For the first time since the Skajerack +battle I experienced the personal joys of war, the sensation of +intimate and successful contact with the enemy, and the most hated +enemy at that. +</p> + +<p> +We had hardly finished laying our eggs when a droning noise was heard. +With marvellous celerity we dived, that damned fellow Alten, who, under +these circumstances leaves the bridge last, treading on my fingers as +he followed me down the conning tower ladder. +</p> + +<p> +The engineer endeavoured to sympathize with me, and made some idiotic +remark about my being quicker when I had had more practice. I bit his +head off. I can't stand this hail-fellow-well-met attitude in these +U.C. boats, from any lout dressed in an officer's uniform. They +wouldn't be holding commissions if it wasn't for the war, and they +should remember that fact. I suppose they think I'm stand-offish. Well, +if they had my family tree behind them they would understand. +</p> + +<p> +We dived to sixty feet, and then came up to twenty. Alten looked +through the periscope, and then invited me to look. Curiosity impelled +me to accept this favour and, putting the focussing lever to +"skyscrape" I swept round the sky. +</p> + +<p> +At last I saw him; he was a small gas-bag of diminutive size, beneath +which was suspended a little car, the most ridiculous little travesty +of an airship I have ever seen. He was nosing along at about 800 feet +and making about 40 knots. +</p> + +<p> +Suddenly he must have seen the wake of our periscope, for he turned +towards us. Simultaneously Alten, from the conning tower (I was using +the other periscope in the control room), ordered the boat to sixty +feet, and put the helm hard over. +</p> + +<p> +We had turned sixteen points, [<a href="#f4">4</a>] and in about two minutes heard a +series of reports right astern of us. It was evident that our ruse had +succeeded and that he had overshot the mark. +</p> + +<p class="ind"> +<a name="f4">4.</a> 180º +</p> + +<p> +Inside the boat one felt a slight jar as each bomb went off. +</p> + +<p> +We gradually came round to our proper course, and cruised all day +submerged at dead slow speed. Every time we lifted our periscope he was +still hanging about sufficiently close to make it foolish for us to +come to the surface. +</p> + +<p> +Towards noon a group of trawlers, doubtless summoned by wireless, +appeared, and proceeded to wander about. These seemed to concern Alten +far more than the airship, and he informed me that from their, to me, +aimless movements he deduced they were hunting for us by hydroplanes. +Occasionally we lay on the bottom in nineteen fathoms. +</p> + +<p> +By 4 p.m. the atmosphere was becoming rather unpleasant and hot, and +gradually we took off more clothes. Curiously enough, I longed for a +smoke, but wild horses would not have made me ask Alten for permission. +</p> + +<p> +At 8 p.m. it was sufficiently dark to enable us to rise, which gave me +great pleasure, though the first rush of fresh air down the hatch made +me vomit after hours of breathing the vitiated muck. On coming to the +surface we saw nothing in sight, but a breeze had sprung up which +caused spray to break over the bridge as we chugged along at 9 knots. +</p> + +<p> +Everyone was in high spirits, as always on the return journey, when the +mind turns to the Fatherland and all it holds. +</p> + +<p> +My mind turns to Zoe. I confess it to myself frankly. I hardly realized +to what extent this woman had begun to influence me until we received +the wireless signal ordering us to delay entering for twelve hours. The +receipt of this news, trivial though the delay has been, threw a mantle +of gloom over the crew. I participated in the depression and, upon +thought, rather wondered that this should be so. Self-analysis on the +lines laid down by Schessmanweil [<a href="#f5">5</a>] revealed to me that the basis of +my annoyance is the fact that my next meeting with Zoe is deferred! I +feel instinctively that I shall have trouble here, and that I had +better haul off a lee shore whilst there is manoeuvring room, and +yet--and yet I secretly rejoice that every revolution of the propeller, +every clank and rattle of the Diesels brings us closer together. +</p> + +<p class="ind"> +<a name="f5">5.</a> Apparently some German author, of obscure origin, as I +cannot find him in any book of reference.--ETIENNE. +</p> + +<p> +Alten has just come down from the bridge, and we chatted for some +moments; it is evident that he wishes to apologize for his rudeness +over the smoking incident. +</p> + +<p> +I was in error, I admit it frankly; at the same time I did not know +that the battery was on charge, and to dash a match from my hand! I +could have shot him where he stood. However, I am not vindictive, and +as far as I am concerned the incident is ended. +</p> + +<p> +One thing I find trying in this small boat, and that is that I can find +no space in which to do half my Müller exercises, the +leg-and-arm-swinging ones. I must see whether I can't invent a set of +U-boat exercises! +</p> + +<p> +Good! in two hours we reach the Mole-end light buoy. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>Submarine Mess, Bruges.</i> +</p> + +<p> +It is midnight, and as I write in my room at the top of the house the +low rumble of the guns from the south-west vibrates faintly through the +open window, for it is extraordinarily warm for the time of year, and I +have flung back the curtains and risked the light shining. +</p> + +<p> +We spent the night at Zeebrugge and came up to the docks here next day. +We shall probably be in for a week, and I am on four days' "extended +absence from the boat," which practically means that I can go where I +like in the neighbourhood provided I am handy to a telephone. +</p> + +<p> +After a short inward struggle I rang Zoe up on the telephone; +fortunately I did not call first. +</p> + +<p> +A man's voice answered, and for a moment I was dumbfounded. I guessed +at once it was the Colonel, and I had counted so confidently on his +being still away at the front. +</p> + +<p> +For an instant I felt speechless, an impulse came to me to ring off +without further ado, but I restrained myself, and then a fine idea came +into my head. +</p> + +<p> +"Who is that?" I said. +</p> + +<p> +"Colonel Stein!" replied the voice, and my fears were confirmed, but my +plan of campaign held good. +</p> + +<p> +"I am speaking," I continued, "on behalf of Lieutenant Von +Schenk----" +</p> + +<p> +"Ah, yes!" growled the voice, and for an instant a panic seized me, but +I resumed: +</p> + +<p> +"He met Madame Stein at dinner some days ago, and she kindly asked him +to call; he has asked me to ring up and inquire when it would be +convenient, as he would like to meet you, sir, as well. He has been +unable to ring up himself, as he was sent away from Bruges on duty +early this morning." +</p> + +<p> +I smiled to myself at this little lie and listened. +</p> + +<p> +"Your friend had better call to-morrow then, for I leave to-morrow +evening for the Somme front; will you tell him?" +</p> + +<p> +I replied that I would, and left the telephone well satisfied, but +cursing the fates that made it advisable to keep clear of No. 10, +Kafelle Strasse for thirty-six hours. Needless to say next day I rang +up again in order to tell the Colonel that Lieutenant Schenk had +apparently been detained, as he was not yet back in Bruges, and how I +felt sure that he would be sorry at missing the Colonel, etc., etc., +but all this camouflage was unnecessary, as she herself came to the +'phone. I could have kissed the instrument when I told her of my +stratagem and heard her silvery laughter in my ear. +</p> + +<p> +"It is arranged that to-morrow, starting at 10.30, we motor for the day +to the Forest of Meten, taking our lunch and tea with us--pray Heaven +the weather holds." +</p> + +<p> +To-night in the Mess it is generally considered that U.B.40 has been +lost; she is ten days overdue and was operating off Havre, she has made +no signal for a fortnight. Such is the price of victory and the cost of +war--death, perhaps, in some terrible form, but bah! away with such +thoughts, to-morrow there is love and life and Zoe! +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Once more it is night, still the guns rumble on the same old dismal +tones, and as it is raining now it must be getting bad up at the front. +Except for the rain it might have been last night, but much has +happened to me in the meanwhile. +</p> + +<p> +To-day in the forest by Ruysslede I found that I loved Zoe, loved her +as I have never yet loved woman, loved her with my soul and all that is +me. +</p> + +<p> +The day was gloriously fine when we started, and an hour's run took us +to the forest. We left the car at an inn and wandered down one of the +glades. +</p> + +<p> +I carried the basket and we strolled on and on until we found a +suitable place deep in the heart of the forest. +</p> + +<p> +I have the sailor's love for woods, for their depths, their shadows, +their mysteries, which are so vivid a contrast to the monotony of the +sea, with the everlasting circle of the horizon and the half-bowl of +the heavens above. +</p> + +<p> +In the forest to-day, though the leaves had turned to gold and red and +brown, the beeches were still well covered, and overhead we were tented +with a russet canopy. +</p> + +<p> +I say, at last we found a spot, or rather Zoe, who, with girlish +pleasure in the adventure, had run ahead, called to me, and as I write +I seem to hear the echoes of "Karl! Karl!" which rang through the wood. +When I came up to her she proudly pointed to the place she had found. +</p> + +<p> +It was ideal. An outcrop of rock formed a miniature Matterhorn in the +forest, and beneath its shelter with the old trees as silent witnesses +we sat and joked and laughed, and made twenty attempts to light a fire. +</p> + +<p> +After lunch, a little incident happened which had an enormous effect on +me; Zoe asked me whether I would mind if she smoked. +</p> + +<p> +How many women in these days would think of doing that? And yet, had +she but known it, I am still sufficiently old-fashioned to appreciate +the implied respect for any possible prejudices which was contained in +her request. +</p> + +<p> +After lunch, I asked her a question to which I dreaded the answer. +</p> + +<p> +I asked her whether, now that the old Colonel had gone to the Somme, +whether that meant that she would be leaving Bruges. +</p> + +<p> +She laughed and teasingly said: "Quien sabe, señor," but seeing my real +anxiety on this point, she assured me that she was not leaving for the +present. The Colonel, she said, had a strange belief that once a man +had served on the Flanders Front, and especially on the Ypres salient, +he always came back to die there. +</p> + +<p> +It appears that the Colonel has done fourteen months' service on the +salient alone, and is firmly convinced he will end his career on that +great burial ground. As we were talking about the Colonel I longed to +ask her how she had met him, and perhaps find out why she lives with +him, for I cannot believe she loves him, but I did not dare. +</p> + +<p> +Strangely enough I found that a curious shyness had taken hold of me +with regard to Zoe. +</p> + +<p> +I said to myself, "Fool! you are alone with her, you long to kiss her; +you have kissed her, first at the dinner-party, secondly when you said +good-bye at her flat," and yet to-day it was different. +</p> + +<p> +Then I was kissing a pretty woman, I was on the eve of a dangerous +life, and I was simply extracting the animal pleasures whilst I lived. +</p> + +<p> +To-day it was a case of Zoe, the personality I loved; I still longed to +kiss her, but I wanted to have the unquestioned right to kiss her, as +much as I wanted the kisses. +</p> + +<p> +I wanted to have her for my own, away from the contaminating ownership +of the old Colonel, and I determined to get her. +</p> + +<p> +I think she noticed the changed attitude on my part, and perhaps she +felt herself that a subtle change in our relationship had taken place, +and whilst I meditated on these things she fell into a doze at my side. +</p> + +<p> +I was sitting slightly above her, smoking to keep the midges away, and +as I looked down on her childish figure a great tenderness for her +filled my mind. She is very beautiful and to me desirable above all +women; I can see her as she lay there trustfully at my feet. I will +describe her, and then, when I get her photograph, I will read this +when I am far away on a trip. +</p> + +<p> +She is of average height, for I am just over six feet and she reaches +to just above my shoulder. Her hair is gloriously thick and of a deep +black colour, and lies low on her forehead. Her complexion is of the +purest whiteness beyond compare, which but accentuates the red warmth +of the lips which encircle her little mouth. Her figure is slight and +her ankles are my delight, but her crowning glories, which I have +purposely left till last, are her eyes. +</p> + +<p> +I feel I could lose my soul; I have lost it, if I have one, in the +violet depths of those eyes, which were veiled as she slept by the long +black eyelashes which curled up delicately as they rested on her +cheeks. I have re-read this description, and it is oh, so unsatisfying; +would I had the pen of a Goethe or a Shakespeare, yet for want of more +skill the description shall stand. +</p> + +<p> +How I long for her to be mine, and yet, unfortunate that I am, I cannot +for certain declare that she loves me. +</p> + +<p> +A thousand doubts arise. I torment myself with recollections of her +behaviour at the dinner-party, when within two hours of our first +meeting she gave me her lips. +</p> + +<p> +Yet did I not first roughly kiss her as we danced? +</p> + +<p> +I find consolation in the fact that, though she has said nothing, yet +her conduct to-day was different. She was so quiet after tea as we +wandered back through the forests with the setting sun striking golden +beams aslant the tree trunks. +</p> + +<p> +Before we left I sang to her Tchaikowsky's beautiful song, "To the +Forest," and I think she was pleased, for I may say with justice that +my voice is of high quality for an amateur, and the song goes well +without an accompaniment, whilst the atmosphere and surroundings were +ideal. +</p> + +<p> +There was only one jarring note in a perfect day; when we returned to +the car the chauffeur permitted himself a sardonic grin. Zoe +unfortunately saw it and blushed scarlet. +</p> + +<p> +I could have struck him on his impudent mouth, but for her sake I +judged it advisable to notice nothing. +</p> + +<p> +I feel I could go on writing about her all night, but it is nearly 2 +a.m. I must get some sleep. +</p> + +<p> +The guns rumble steadily in the south-west, and the sky is lit by their +flashes; may the fighting on the Somme be bloody these coming days. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +[<i>Probably about ten days later.--Etienne.</i>] +</p> + +<p> +We leave to-night, having had a longer spell than usual. I am in a +distracted state of mind. Since our glorious day in the forest I have +seen her nearly every afternoon, though twice that swine Alten has kept +me in the boat in connection with some replacements of the battery. +</p> + +<p> +I have found out that, like me, she is intensely musical. She plays +beautifully on the piano, and we had long hours together playing Chopin +and Beethoven; we also played some of Moussorgsky's duets, but I love +her best when she plays Chopin, the composer pre-eminent of love and +passion. +</p> + +<p> +She has masses of music, as the Colonel gives her what she likes. We +also played a lot of Debussy. At first I demurred at playing a living +French composer's works, but she pouted and looked so adorable that all +my scruples vanished in an instant, so we closed all the doors and she +played it for hours very softly whilst I forgot the war and all its +horrors and remembered only that I was with the well-beloved girl. +</p> + +<p> +The Colonel writes from Thiepval, where the British are pouring out +their blood like water. He writes very interesting letters, and has had +many narrow escapes, but unfortunately he seems to bear a charmed life. +His letters are full of details, and I wonder he gets them past the +Field Censorship, but I suppose he censors his own. +</p> + +<p> +She laughs at them and calls them her Colonel's dispatches; she says he +is so accustomed to writing official reports that the poor old man +can't write an ordinary letter. +</p> + +<p> +I told her that I thought the way he mentioned regiments and +dispositions rather indiscreet, and she agrees, but she says he has +asked her to keep them, with a view to forming a collection of letters +written from the front whilst the incidents he describes are vivid in +his mind. I suppose the old ass knows his own business, and one day the +collection may be completed by a telegram "Regretting to announce, etc. +etc." The sooner the better. +</p> + +<p> +So the days passed pleasantly enough, and never by a gesture or word of +mouth did she show that I was more to her than any other pleasant young +man. +</p> + +<p> +I kissed her when I arrived, I kissed her when I left, each day was the +same. She would put her arms round my neck and look long and deeply +into my eyes, then she would gently kiss my lips. Not an atom of +emotion! not a spark from the fires which I feel must be raging beneath +that diabolically [<a href="#f6">6</a>] extraordinary [<a href="#f6">6</a>] amazingly calm exterior. +</p> + +<p class="ind"> +<a name="f6">6.</a> These words are crossed out.--ETIENNE. +</p> + +<p> +On ordinary subjects she would chatter vivaciously enough and she can +talk in a fascinating manner on every subject I care to bring up, but +as soon as I drew the conversation round to a personal line she +gradually became more silent and a far-away and distant look came into +those wonderful eyes. +</p> + +<p> +I have found out nothing about her beyond the fact that she has +travelled all over Europe. I don't even know how old she is, but I +should guess twenty-six. +</p> + +<p> +I tried to find out a few details by means of discreet remarks at the +Club and elsewhere. +</p> + +<p> +She simply arrived here about a year ago--as a singer, and met the +Colonel--beyond that, all is mystery. Everything about her attracts me +powerfully, and this mystery adds subtleties to her charms. +</p> + +<p> +This afternoon I went to say good-bye; I told her we were leaving +"shortly," and she gently reproved me for disobeying the order which +forbids discussion of movements, but I could see she was not greatly +displeased. +</p> + +<p> +After tea she played to me, music of the modern Russian +school--Arensky, Sibelius and Pilsuki; a storm was brewing and we both +felt sad. +</p> + +<p> +She played for an hour or so, and then came and sat by me on a low +divan by the fire. We were silent for a long while in the gathering +gloom, whilst a thousand thoughts chased each other swiftly through my +brain, as I endeavoured to summon up courage to say what I had +determined I must say before I left her, perhaps for ever. +</p> + +<p> +At last, when only her profile was visible against the glow of the +logs, I spoke. +</p> + +<p> +I told her quietly, calmly and almost dispassionately that I had grown +to love her and that to me she was life itself. I told her that I had +tried not to speak until I could endure no longer. +</p> + +<p> +She sat very still as I spoke, and when I had finished there was a long +silence and I gently stretched out my hand and stroked her lovely black +hair. At last she rose and with averted face walked across the room, +and stood looking at the storm through the big bow windows. I watched +her, but did not dare follow. +</p> + +<p> +At length she returned to me, and I saw what I had instinctively known +the whole time--that she had been crying. I could not think why. +</p> + +<p> +She put her arms round my neck, kissed me on the forehead and murmured, +"Poor Karl." +</p> + +<p> +I felt crushed; I dared not move for fear of breaking the magic of the +moment, yet I longed to know more; I felt overwhelmed by some colossal +mystery that seemed to be enveloping me in its folds. Why did she pity +me? Why did she weep? Why didn't she answer my avowal? Why didn't she +tell me something? Such were some of the problems that perplexed me. +</p> + +<p> +It was thus when the clock chimed seven. I told her that my leave was +up at seven o'clock, and that at 7.15 I had to be back on board the +boat. She remembered this, and in an instant the past quarter of an +hour might never have existed. She was all agitation and nervousness +lest I should be late on board--though at the moment I would have +cheerfully missed the boat to hear her say she loved me. +</p> + +<p> +I tried to protest, but in vain. With feminine quickness she utilized +the incident to avoid a situation she evidently found full of +difficulty, and at 7.10, with the memory of a light kiss on my lips and +her God-speed in my ears I was in a taxi driving to the docks in a +blinding rain-storm--and we sail to-night. +</p> + +<p> +For five, six, seven, perhaps ten days at the least, and at the most +for ever, I am doomed to be away from her and without news of her. And +I don't even know whether she loves me! +</p> + +<p> +I think I can say she cares for me up to a certain point, but I want +more. +</p> + +<p class="ind"> + "Oh Zoe! of the violet eyes,<br> + And hair of blackest night<br> + Thy lips are brightest crimson,<br> + Thy skin is dazzling white. +</p> + +<p class="ind"> + "Oh! lay your head upon my breast,<br> + And lift your lips to mine;<br> + Then murmur in soft breathings,<br> + Drink deep from what is thine. +</p> + +<p class="ind"> + "Then let the war rage onward,<br> + Let kingdoms rise and fall;<br> + To each shall be the other,<br> + Their life, their hope, their all." [<a href="#f7">7</a>] +</p> + +<p class="ind"> +<a name="f7">7.</a> I am indebted to Commander C. C. for the above rough +translation of Karl's effusion.--ETIENNE. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +<i>At sea.</i> +</p> + +<p> +We are bound for the same old spot as last time. +</p> + +<p> +Alten must have been drinking like a fish lately; his breath smells +like a distillery; he is apparently partial to schnapps, which he gets +easily in Bruges. +</p> + +<p> +I can't help admiring the man, as he is a rigid teetotaller at sea, +though he must find the strain well nigh intolerable, judging from the +condition he was in when he came on board last night. He was really +totally unfit to take charge of the boat, and I virtually took her down +the canal, though with sottish obstinacy he insisted on remaining on +the bridge. +</p> + +<p> +This morning, though his complexion was a hideous yellow colour, he +seems quite all right. I shall play a little trick on him at dinner +to-night. +</p> + +<p> +I have begun to get to know some of the crew by now; they are a fine +lot of youngsters with a seasoning of half a dozen older men. The +coxswain, Schmitt by name, is a splendid old petty officer who has been +in the U-boat service since 1911. +</p> + +<p> +His favourite enjoyment is to spin yarns to the younger members of the +crew, who know of his weakness and play up to it. +</p> + +<p> +He has a favourite expression which runs thus: +</p> + +<p> +"His Majesty the Kaiser said Germany's future lies on the sea; I say +Germany's future lies under the sea." +</p> + +<p> +He is inordinately fond of this statement, and the youngsters +continually say: "What made you take to U-boat work, Schmitt?" and the +invariable reply is as above. When he has been asked the question about +half a dozen times in the course of a day, he is liable to become +suspicious, and if his questioner is within range Schmitt stares at him +for a few seconds in an absent-minded way, then an arm like that of a +gorilla shoots out, and the quizzer (<i>Untersucher</i>) receives a +resounding box on the ears to the huge delight of his companions. The +old man then permits his iron-lipped mouth to relax into a caustic +smile, after which he is left in peace for some time. +</p> + +<p> +At the wheel he is an artist, for he seems to divine what the next +order is going to be, or if he is steering her on a course he predicts +the direction of the next wave even as a skilful chess player works out +the moves ahead. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +I am rather weary and ought to go to bed, but before I lose the savour +I must record the splendid fun I had with Alten at dinner. +</p> + +<p> +We were dining alone, as the navigator was on the bridge, and the +engineer was busy with a slight leak in the cooking water service. I +have said that, though a heavy drinker by nature, Alten is a strict +abstainer at sea. Accordingly I produced a small flask of rum, half-way +through dinner, and helped myself to a liberal tot, placing the liquor +between us on the table. As the sight met his eyes and the aroma +greeted his nostrils, a gleam of joy flashed across his face, to be +succeeded by a frown. +</p> + +<p> +With an amiable smile I proffered the flask to him, remarking at the +same time: "You don't drink at sea, do you?" +</p> + +<p> +In a thick voice he muttered, "No! Yes--no! thank you." +</p> + +<p> +With an air of having noticed nothing, I resumed my meal, but out of +the corner of my eye I watched his left hand on the table near the +flask. It was most interesting, all the veins stood out like ropes, and +his knuckles almost burst through the skin. +</p> + +<p> +This went on for about thirty seconds, when he choked out something +about needing a breath of fresh air. As he got up his face was brick +red, and I almost thought he'd have a fit. +</p> + +<p> +Whether by accident or design he pulled the cloth as he got out from +between the settee and the table and upset the flask. +</p> + +<p> +He was apparently incapable of apologizing, for he rushed up on deck. +</p> + +<p> +A few minutes later the navigating officer came down and asked what was +up? +</p> + +<p> +I said: "What do you mean?" +</p> + +<p> +He said: "Well, the Captain came up just now, swearing like a trooper, +and told me to get to the devil out of it; it didn't seem advisable to +question him, so I got out of it and came down." +</p> + +<p> +I expressed my opinion that the Captain must be feeling sea-sick and +was ashamed to say so. I also suggested to the navigator that he should +take the Captain a little brandy in case he was not feeling well, but +the navigator declared he was going to stay down in the warmth till he +was sent for. Alten is a great coarse brute. Fancy allowing a material +substance such as alcohol to grip one's mentality. +</p> + +<p> +Thank Heaven I have nerves of iron; nothing would affect me! +</p> + +<p> +And now to bed, though I must just read my account of our day in the +forest. Darling girl, may I dream of thee. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +We laid our mines without trouble at 5 a.m. this morning, though at +midnight we had a most unpleasant experience. +</p> + +<p> +I was asleep, as it was my morning watch, when I was awakened by the +harsh rattle of the diving alarms. +</p> + +<p> +The Diesel subsided with a few spasmodic coughs into silence, and as I +jumped out of my bunk and groped for my short sea boots, the navigator +and helmsman came tumbling down the conning tower, with the navigator +shouting, "Take her down," as hard as you like. +</p> + +<p> +The men at the planes had them "hard-to-dive" in an instant. +</p> + +<p> +The vents had been opened as the hooters sounded, and Alten, who had +jumped into the control room, immediately rang down, "All out on the +electric motors." +</p> + +<p> +In thirty seconds from the original alarm we were at an angle of twenty +degrees down by the bow, and I had sat down heavily on the battery +boards, completely surprised by the sudden tilt of the deck. +</p> + +<p> +It occurred to me that the air was escaping through the vents with a +strangely loud noise, but before I could consider the matter further or +even inquire the reason for this sudden dive, the noise increased to a +terrifying extent, and whilst I prepared myself for the worst it +culminated into a roar as of fifty express trains going through a +tunnel, mingled with the noise of a high-powered aeroplane engine. +</p> + +<p> +The roar drummed and beat and shook the boat, then died away as +suddenly as it came; a moment later there was a severe jar. We had +struck the bottom, still maintaining our angle. +</p> + +<p> +I painfully got to my feet and then discovered from the navigator that +he had suddenly seen two white patches of foam 800 yards on the +starboard bow, which resolved themselves into the bow waves of a +destroyer approaching at full speed to ram. +</p> + +<p> +We had dived just in time, and her knife-edged bow, driven by 30,000 +horse power, had slid through the water a very few feet above our +conning tower. +</p> + +<p> +Luckily he had not dropped any depth charges. We were not, however, +completely free of our troubles, though we had cheated the destroyer. +</p> + +<p> +Examination of the chart, showed the bottom to be mud, and on +attempting to move the foremost hydroplanes, the plane motor fuses blew +out. This showed that the boat was buried in the mud right up to her +foremost planes, which were immovable. +</p> + +<p> +The hydrophone watchkeeper reported that he could still hear +fast-running propellers, though probably some distance away, and as +this showed that our old enemy was still nosing about we were very +anxious not to break surface. We just blew "A." [<a href="#f8">8</a>] At least we started +to blow "A," but Alten wisely decided that, as it was a calm night with +a half-moon, the bubbles on the surface might be rather conspicuous, so +we stopped the blow and put the pump on. We also flooded "W". [<a href="#f9">9</a>] This +had no effect on her at all. +</p> + +<p class="ind"> +<a name="f8">8.</a> Probably their foremost internal tank.--ETIENNE. +</p> + +<p class="ind"> +<a name="f9">9.</a> Presumably their after internal tank.--ETIENNE. +</p> + +<p> +We then pumped out "Q" and "P," leaving "W" full, and adjusted our trim +to give her only three tons negative buoyancy, just enough to keep us +on the bottom if she came out of the mud. +</p> + +<p> +In this position we went full speed astern on the motors, 1,500 amps on +each, and all the crew in the after-compartment. No result. We then +pumped the outer diving tanks on the port side to give her a list to +starboard. Still she remained fixed. +</p> + +<p> +So at 2 a.m. we decided to risk it and we put a slow blow on all tanks. +</p> + +<p> +When she had about fifty tons positive buoyancy she suddenly bucketed +up, and, as the motors were running full speed astern at the time, we +came up and broke surface stern first. In a few seconds we were trimmed +down again, and as a precautionary measure we proceeded for a couple of +miles at twenty metres, when, coming up to periscope depth, we +surfaced, and finding all clear we proceeded. We were put down by a +trawler at dawn, though she never saw us. After half an hour's hanging +about she moved off, which was lucky, as she was right on our billet. +</p> + +<p> +We are now proceeding to a spot somewhat to the eastward of Cape St. +Abbs, [<a href="#f10">10</a>] as we have instructions to do a two-days patrol here and sink +shipping. +</p> + +<p class="ind"> +<a name="f10">10.</a> St. Abbs Head.--ETIENNE +</p> + +<p> +We ought to start business to-morrow morning. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +We should be in to-night, then for my little Zoe! +</p> + +<p> +But I must record what we have done. Already I am getting much pleasure +from reading my diary. Strange how it amuses one to see little bits of +oneself on paper, and the less garnished and franker the truths the +more entertaining it is. +</p> + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/083a.jpg"><img src="images/083ath.jpg" alt="The torpedo had jumped clean out of the water a hundred yards short of the steamer and had then dived under her"></a> +</p> + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/083b.jpg"><img src="images/083bth.jpg" alt="We were put down by a trawler at dawn"></a> +</p> + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/084.jpg"><img src="images/084th.jpg" alt="A moment later there was a severe jar; we had struck the bottom"></a> +</p> + +<p> +The hours here are so long and boring at times that I feel I want to +talk intimately with someone. Failing Zoe I turn to my notebooks. +</p> + +<p> +The first steamer we sighted raised high hopes, at least her smoke did, +for we saw enough smoke on the horizon to make us think we were to see +the Grand Fleet, and we promptly dived. We cruised towards her for +about half an hour, and then hung about where we were, as we found that +her course would take the ship close to us. +</p> + +<p> +As the situation developed, Alten, who was up in the conning tower at +the "A" periscope, gave us a certain amount of information, and we +gathered that all this smoke was pouring out of the pipe-stem tunnel of +a wretched little English tramp. +</p> + +<p> +I found it most irritating, standing in the control room (my action +station) and not knowing what was going on. +</p> + +<p> +There is only one good job in a submarine and that is the Captain's. He +knows and decides everything. The rest of us are in his hands and take +things on trust. I object on principle to my life being held in Alten's +hands. It is all very well for the crew, for, to start with, they have +no imagination, and to most of them their mental horizon stops at the +walls of the boat. Secondly, they have the consolation of mechanical +activities; they make and break switches and open and close +valves--they work with their hands. An officer has imagination, and +only works with his head. +</p> + +<p> +As we attacked the steamer, all one heard was murmurs from Alten, such +as: "Raise!" "Lower!" "Take her down to ten metres!" "Half speed!" +"Slow!" "Bring her up to five metres!" "Raise!" "Lower!" +</p> + +<p> +I endeavoured to simulate an air of unconcern which I was far from +feeling. +</p> + +<p> +Not that I was a prey to physical fear; I flatter myself it is so far +unknown to me, and there was no great danger, but simply that I longed +to know what was happening. At length I heard the welcome order: +</p> + +<p> +"Starboard tube. Stand by!" +</p> + +<p> +Which was followed almost immediately by the order: "Fire!" +</p> + +<p> +There was a kind of coughing grunt, and the starboard torpedo proceeded +on its errand of destruction. +</p> + +<p> +Every ear was strained for the sound of the explosion, but all we were +vouchsafed was a torrent of blasphemy from Alten. +</p> + +<p> +The torpedo had jumped clean out of the water a hundred yards short of +the steamer, and had then evidently dived under the ship; so I gathered +later when Alten had calmed down somewhat. We were about to surface and +give her the gun, when luckily Alten took a good sweep round with the +skyscraper and discovered one of those wretched little airships about a +mile away, coming towards the steamer, which was wailing piteously, on +her syren. +</p> + +<p> +As the chart showed forty metres we decided to bottom and have lunch. +</p> + +<p> +Over lunch we discussed the misadventure. Alten was loud in his curses +of Tanzerman (the torpedo lieutenant at Bruges), from whom he had got +the torpedo in guaranteed good condition only forty-eight hours before +we sailed. He launched forth into a tirade against the torpedo staff at +Bruges, and, warming to his subject, he roundly abused the whole of the +depot personnel, whom he stigmatized as a set of hard-drinking, +shore-loafing ruffians, who were incapable of realizing that they +existed for the benefit of the boats' personnel and "material." +</p> + +<p> +I naturally disagreed, and did so the more readily that I +conscientiously disagree with him. I find that there is a tendency on +the part of some of these submarine officers, who have been U-boating a +long time, to get into narrow grooves. Most reserve officers are not +like this, as they have only been in during the war. Alten is an +exception; he left the Hamburg-Amerika on two years' half pay in 1912, +and was, of course, kept on in 1914. After all, the depot staff are +Germans, and as such labour for the Fatherland, and though their work +in office and workship is not so dangerous as ours, on the other hand +they have not got the stimulation before their eyes, of glory to be +gained. Personally I am of the opinion that the torpedo broke surface +because, being fired from the outside tubes, it probably started too +shallow, dived deep, recovered shallow and dived deep, broke surface +and dived very deep. A sticky motor or sluggish weight would give this +effect. +</p> + +<p> +And are these external tubes water-tight? Theoretically, yes, but what +of practice? We have been down to forty metres several times during +this trip, and not once have we had a chance on the surface of getting +at the two external tubes; add to which our depth gear, with the pivots +of the weight exposed to water if the tube does flood and then you have +rust, corrosion and heaven knows what complications. +</p> + +<p> +I saw a British Mark 11.50 torpedo at the torpedo shop at Bruges the +other day, and I was much struck with their deep depth gear, which is +of the unrestrained Uhlan type, i.e., weight and valve interdependent. +But then the main feature is that the whole gear is contained in a +separate water-tight chamber. +</p> + +<p> +Our system is certainly a great saving in space, and is much neater in +design, whilst I prefer the Uhlan principle of valve conjuncting with +weight, but it would be interesting to know whether the British have +much trouble with the depth-keeping of their torpedo. +</p> + +<p> +I have written quite a disquisition on depth gears; I must get on with +my record of events. +</p> + +<p> +After lunch we had a good look round, but the small airship was still + +hanging about, flying slowly in large circles. +</p> + +<p> +We were rather surprised to meet one of these despicable little +sausages or "Zeppelin's Spawn," as the navigator calls them, so far +from land, and at dark we surfaced and proceeded on one engine on an +easterly course, charging the battery right up with the other engine. +</p> + +<p> +Dawn revealed a blank horizon, not a vestige of mast, funnel or smoke +in sight. +</p> + +<p> +We ambled along in fine though cold weather, and I took advantage of +the peacefulness of everything to do a really good series of Müller on +the upper deck, stripped to the waist, and allowed the keen air to play +its invigorating currents on my torso. +</p> + +<p> +Alten silently watched me from the conning tower, with a sneering +expression on his face. The navigator, who is quite a decent youngster, +though of no family, was, I could plainly see, struck by my +development, and asked to be initiated into the series of exercises. I +agreed willingly enough to show them to him. I will confess I wish Zoe +could have seen me as I perspired with healthy exercise. +</p> + +<p> +At about 11 a.m. a couple of masts, then two more, then another, +appeared above the horizon. The visibility was extreme, so we at once +dived and proceeded at full speed, ten metres. +</p> + +<p> +We had been going thus for perhaps half an hour when Alten remarked +that he would have another look at the convoy. We eased speed, came up +to six metres, and Alten proceeded up into the conning tower to use "A" +periscope. +</p> + +<p> +He had hardly applied his eye to the lens when he sharply ordered the +boat to ten metres, accompanying this order with another to the motor +room demanding utmost speed (<i>Ausserste Kraft</i>). I went up to the +conning tower and found him white with excitement. +</p> + +<p> +"Look!" he exclaimed, pointing to the periscope, entirely forgetful of +the fact that we were at ten metres. I looked, and of course saw +nothing; furious at the trick I considered he had played on me I turned +on him, to be disarmed by his apology. +</p> + +<p> +"Sorry! I forgot! The whole British battle cruiser force is there." +</p> + +<p> +It was now my turn to be excited, and I rushed down to the motor room +determined to give her every amp she would take. The port foremost +motor was sparking like the devil, rings of cursed sparks shooting +round the commutator, but this was no time for ceremony. I relentlessly +ordered the field current to be still further reduced. +</p> + +<p> +We were actually running with an F.C. of 3.75 amps, [<a href="#f11">11</a>] for a period, +when the sparking assumed the appearance of a ring of fire and, fearing +a commutator strip would melt, I ordered an F.C. of five amps. +</p> + +<p class="ind"> +<a name="f11">11.</a> The lower the field current the faster the motor goes. +3.75 is almost incredibly low for a motor of this type--at least +according to British practice.--ETIENNE. +</p> + +<p> +We thus passed a quarter of an hour full of strain, the tension of +which was reflected in the attitude of all the men. Alten had announced +his intention of using the stern torpedo tube after his failure in the +morning, and the crew of this tube were crouched at their stations like +a gun's crew in the last few seconds preparatory to opening fire. The +switchboard attendants gripped the regulating rheostatts as if by their +personal efforts they could urge the boat on faster. Old Schmitt, at +the helm, never lifted his eyes from the compass repeater. +</p> + +<p> +At length: "Slow both!" "Bring her to six metres!" came from the +conning tower, to which place I proceeded to hear the news. +</p> + +<p> +Slowly the periscope was raised and I held my breath; a groan came from +Alten and he turned away. For a fraction of a second I was almost +pleased at his obvious pain, then, sick with disappointment, I took his +place. + +Yes! it was all over. There they were, and with hungry eyes and +depressed heart I saw five great battle cruisers, of which I recognized +the <i>Tiger</i> with her three great funnels, the <i>Princess Royal</i>, <i>Lion</i> +and two others, zigzagging along at 25 knots, at a distance of 12,000 +metres, across our bow. +</p> + +<p> +They were surrounded by a numerous screen of destroyers and light +cruisers, the former at that range through the periscope appearing as +black smudges. +</p> + +<p> +It is not often one is permitted such a spectacle in modern war, and I +could not tear myself away from the sight of those great brutes, whom I +had fought when in the <i>Derflingger</i> at Dogger Bank and again when in +the <i>König</i> at Jutland. So near and yet so far, and as they rapidly +drew away so did all the visions of an Iron Cross. As soon as they were +out of sight, we surfaced in order to report what we had seen to +Zeebrugge and Heligoland. +</p> + +<p> +Everything seemed against us. I had gone on the bridge with the +navigator; Alten, with a face as black as hell, had gone to the +wardroom. About ten minutes elapsed when I heard a fearful altercation +going on below. I stepped down to find the young wireless operator +trembling in front of Alten, who was overwhelming him with a flood of +abuse. As I reached the wardroom, Alten shook his fist in the man's +face and bellowed: +</p> + +<p> +"Make the d---- thing work, I tell you." +</p> + +<p> +"Impossible, Captain, the main condenser----" the man began. +</p> + +<p> +Purple with rage, Alten seized a heavy pair of parallel rulers, and +before I could check him hurled them full in the operator's face. +Bleeding copiously, the youth fell to the deck in a stunned condition. +</p> + +<p> +It was then, for the first time, that I noticed a half-empty bottle of +spirits on the table, which colossal quantity he must have consumed in +about a quarter of an hour. +</p> + +<p> +Turning to me, this semi-madman pointed to the wireless operator with +his foot and growled: +</p> + +<p> +"Have him removed." +</p> + +<p> +This I did, and then, lowering the periscope, I ordered the boat to +fifteen metres. We proceeded at this depth until 8 p.m., when I was +informed that the Captain was in his bunk and wished to see me. +</p> + +<p> +I discovered him with his face to the ship's side, and upon my +reporting myself he ordered me, firstly to throw that blasted bottle +overboard (an unnecessary proceeding, as it was empty), and secondly to +surface and shape course for Zeebrugge. +</p> + +<p> +At midnight he relieved me, apparently perfectly normal. +</p> + +<p> +The wireless operator has been laid up all day and has a nasty cut on +the head. The navigator, a great scandal-monger, has heard from the +engineer that Alten was speaking to him alone this morning, and the +engineer believes that Alten has given him five hundred marks to say he +fell down a hatch. +</p> + +<p> +Hooray! Blankenberg buoy has just been reported in sight! Soon I shall +see my Zoe! +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +With what high hopes did I write the last few lines a few hours ago, +and how they were dashed to the ground, for on going into the Mess at +Bruges I found amongst my letters a note from her, which was terrible +in its brevity. She simply said: +</p> + +<p> +"DEAR KARL, +</p> + +<p> +"I am going away for some days, and as I shall be travelling it is no +good giving you an address. To our next meeting! +</p> + +<p> +"ZOE." +</p> + +<p> +How horribly vague; not an indication of her destination, her object, +or the probable length of her absence. Of course I rushed round to the +flat, but found the place shut up. The porter told me she had gone away +with her maid. He couldn't say when she'd be back--if at all! I gave +him ten marks, and he said she might be away a fortnight. If I'd given +him twenty he'd have said a week; he obviously didn't know. +</p> + +<p> +I feel I could do anything to-night; any mad, evil thing would appeal +to me. +</p> + +<p> +There is a most fearful uproar coming from the guest-room, where a +large and rowdy party are entertaining the chorus of a travelling +<i>revue</i> company. I saw them when they arrived, horribly common-looking +women, with legs like mine tubes. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Another day and still no news; I don't know how I shall stick it. She +might have had the softness of heart to write to me. She knows my +address. +</p> + +<p> +This evening a letter from the little mother, who asks whether I can +find time to go to Frankfurt when I have leave; at the end of the +letter she mentions that Rosa has joined the Women's Voluntary +Auxiliary Corps of Army Nurses. I suppose she thought she'd like her +photograph taken in some fancy uniform as "Rosa Freinland, one of our +Frankfurt beauties, now on war work!" Holding the patient's hand is +about the only work she intends doing. +</p> + +<p> +Women as a class are the same the world over. We are well supplied with +English papers in the Mess here; they come regularly from Amsterdam, +and in their pages I see, just as in ours, pictures of the Countess +this and the Lord that, photographed in becoming attitudes doing war +work. It seems agricultural pursuits are the fashion in England at +present--wait till our U-boat war gets its knife well into their fat +guts, it will be more than fashionable to work in the fields then. +</p> + +<p> +The British Empire is undeniably a great creation, or rather not so +much a creation as a thing arrived at accidentally, but it lacks +solidarity. It sprawls, a confused mass of races and creeds, around the +world. Its very immensity lays it open to attack, it has a dozen +Achilles heels from Ireland to Egypt and South Africa to India. +</p> + +<p> +I met a man only yesterday who was recently at the propaganda +department of the Foreign Office, and without going into details he +gave me a very good idea of the good work that is going on in Britain's +canker spots. +</p> + +<p> +Ireland is considered particularly promising to those in the know. +</p> + +<p> +Now for an agitated night! To think that a girl should disturb me so! +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Two days have passed, or, rather, dragged their interminable lengths +away, for there is still not a vestige of news. I have been twice to +the flat with no result, except to receive a piece of impertinence from +the porter the last time I was there. +</p> + +<p> +No news. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Still no news, and we sail in forty-eight hours. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +<i>At sea, off the Isle of Wight</i>. +</p> + +<p> +It is some days since I turned for solace and enjoyment, amidst the +discomforts of this life, to my pen and notebook. +</p> + +<p> +What strange tricks fate plays with us, and how lucky it is that one +cannot foresee the future. +</p> + +<p> +Here I am in U.39--but I must start at the beginning. My last entry was +the depressing one of still no news. Well, I have had news, but it was +like a drop of water in the mouth of a parched-up man. Another +agonizing twenty-four hours passed, and I was sitting in my room about +ten o'clock, trying to resign myself to the idea that the next night I +should be starting out for my third trip without news of her, when the +telephone bell rang. I lifted the receiver and to my amazed joy heard a +voice that I could have recognized in a thousand. It was Zoe! +</p> + +<p> +I was quite incapable of any remark, and my confusion was further +increased when, after a few "Hello's," which I idiotically repeated, +her clear, level tones said: "Is that you, Karl? How are you?" How was +I? What a question to ask! I wanted to tell her that I was bubbling +with joy, that a thousand-kilogramme load had been lifted from my +chest, that my blood was coursing through my veins, that I, usually so +cool, was trembling with excitement, that I could have kissed the +mouthpiece of the humble instrument that linked us together. Yet I was +quite incapable of answering her simple question! I can't imagine what +I expected her to say, for upon reflection her remark was a very +ordinary one, and indeed under the circumstances quite natural, but, as +I say, in actual fact I was tongue-tied. +</p> + +<p> +I suppose I must have said something, for I next remember her saying: +"Well, you might ask how I am;" and to my horror I realized that she +thought I was being rude! +</p> + +<p> +My abject apologies were cut short by her tantalizing laugh, and I +understood that the adorable one was teasing me. When at length I made +myself believe that I really was talking to this most elusive and +delightful woman I wasted no time in suggesting that, late though it +was, I might be permitted to go round and see her. She would not permit +this, as she said it would create grave scandal, and the Colonel might +hear about it upon his return. I pleaded hard and urged my departure in +twenty-four hours. +</p> + +<p> +She was firm and reproved me for discussing movements over the +telephone. She was right; I was a fool to do so; but Zoe destroys all +my caution. However, she said that I might lunch with her next day, and +that she had some new music to play to me. I ventured to ask where she +had been, but this question was plainly unpleasing to my lady, so I +dropped the subject. I blew her a goodnight kiss over the telephone, to +which I think I caught an answer, and then she rang off. +</p> + +<p> +Ten minutes had not elapsed, when a messenger entered and informed me +that I was wanted at the Commodore's office at once. +</p> + +<p> +A strange feeling of uneasiness and that of impending misfortune +overcame me. I felt like a naughty school-boy about to interview the +headmaster. +</p> + +<p> +I followed the messenger into the Commodore's office, and found myself +alone with the great man. He was seated at a huge roll-top desk, which +was the only article of furniture in a room which was to all intents +and purposes papered with large scale charts of the east and south +coasts of England and of the Channel and North Sea. +</p> + +<p> +The Commodore was sealing an envelope as I came in; he looked up and +saw me, then, without taking any further notice of me, he resumed his +business with the envelope. I felt that I was in the presence of a +personality, and I was, for "Old Man Max" is one of the ten men who +count in the Naval Administration. He had a reading lamp on his desk, +and I remember noticing that the light shining through its green shade +imparted a yellow parchment-like effect to the top of his old bald +head. With dainty care he finished sealing the envelope, then, picking +up a telephone transmitter, he snapped "Admiralty!" In about a minute +he was connected, and to my astonishment I realized that he was talking +to the duty captain of the operations department in Berlin. +</p> + +<p> +His words chilled my heart, for he said: "Commodore speaking! U.39 +sails at 2 a.m. for operation F.Q.H.--Repeat." +</p> + +<p> +His words were apparently repeated to his satisfaction, for while I was +vainly endeavouring to convince myself that I was unconnected with the +sailing of U.39, he banged the receiver into place (Old Man Max does +everything in bangs) and snapped at me. +</p> + +<p> +"You Lieutenant Von Schenk?" +</p> + +<p> +I admitted I was, and then heard this disgusting news. +</p> + +<p> +"Kranz, 1st Lieutenant U.39, reported suddenly ill, Zeebrugge, +poisoning--you relieve him. Ship sails in one hour forty minutes from +now--my car leaves here in forty minutes and takes you to Zeebrugge. +Here are operation orders--inform Von Weissman he acknowledges receipt +direct to me on 'phone. That's all." +</p> + +<p> +He handed me the envelope and I suppose I walked outside--at least I +found myself in the corridor turning the confounded envelope round and +round. For one mad moment I felt like rushing in and saying: "But, sir, +you don't understand I'm lunching with Zoe to-morrow!" +</p> + +<p> +Then the mental picture which this idea conjured up made me shake with +suppressed laughter and I remembered that war was war and that I had +only thirty-five minutes in which to collect such gear as I had +handy--most of my sea things being in U.C.47--and say goodbye to Zoe. +</p> + +<p> +I ran to my room and made the corridors echo with shouts for my +faithful Adolf. The excellent man was soon on the scene, and whilst he +stuffed underclothing, towels and other necessary gear into a bag he +had purloined from someone's room, I rang up Zoe. I wasted ten minutes +getting through, but at last I heard a deliciously sleepy voice murmur, +"Who's that?" +</p> + +<p> +I told her, and added that I was off; to my secret joy, an intensely +disappointed and long-drawn "Oooh!" came over the wire. So she does +care a bit, I thought. Mad ideas of pretending to be suddenly ill +crossed my mind--anything to gain twenty-four hours--but the Fatherland +is above all such considerations, and after some pleasant talk and many +wishes of good luck from the darling girl, with a heavy heart I bade +her good-night. +</p> + +<p> +The Old Man's car, which is a sixty horse-power Benz, was waiting at +the Mess entrance, and once clear of the sentries we raced down the +flat, well-metalled road to Zeebrugge in a very short time. The guard +at Bruges barrier had 'phoned us through to the Zeebrugge fortified +zone, and we were admitted without delay. In three-quarters of an hour +from my interview with old Max I was scrambling across a row of U-boats +to reach my new ship, U.39. +</p> + +<p> +I went down the after hatch, reported myself to Von Weissman and +delivered his orders to him, of which he acknowledged receipt direct to +the Commodore according to instructions. Von Weissman is a very +different stamp of man to Alten; of medium height, he has +sandy-coloured hair, steel-grey eyes and a protruding jaw. He is what +he looks, a fine North Prussian, and is, of course, of excellent +family, as the Weissmans have been settled in Grinetz for a long +period. +</p> + +<p> +He struck me as being about thirty years of age, and on his heart he +wore the Cross of the second class. I have heard of him before as being +well in the running towards an <i>ordre pour le mérite</i>. +</p> + +<p> +An interesting chart is hanging in the wardroom, on which is marked the +last resting-place of every ship he has sunk. He puts a coloured dot, +the tint of which varies with the tonnage, black up to 2,000, blue from +2,000-5,000, brown 5,000-8,000, green 8,000-11,000, and a red spot with +the ship's name for anything over 11,000. He has got about 120,000 tons +at present. He opposes the Arnauld de la Perrière school of thought, +which pins faith on the gun, and Weissman has done nearly all his work +with the good old torpedo. +</p> + +<p> +Altogether, undoubtedly a man to serve with. +</p> + +<p> +The U.39 was in that buzzing and semi-active condition which to a +trained eye is a sure indication that the ship is about to sail. +Punctually at five minutes to 2 a.m. Weissman went to the bridge, and +at 2 a.m. the wires were slipped and we started on a ten days' trip. As +the dim lights on the mole disappeared and the ceaseless fountain of +star-shells, mingling with the flashing of guns, rose inland on our +port beam my mind travelled overland to the flat at Bruges, and I +wondered whether Zoe was lying awake listening to the ceaseless rumble +of the Flanders cannon. We went on at full speed, as it was our +intention to pass the Dover Straits before dawn. Though our +intelligence bureau issues the most alarming reports as to the +frightfulness of the defences here I was agreeably surprised at the +ease with which we passed. Von Weissman, to whom I had hinted that we +might find the passage tricky, rather laughed at my suggestion, and +described to me his method, which, at all events, has the merit of +simplicity. +</p> + +<p> +He always goes through with the tide, so as to take as short a time as +possible, and he always decides on a course and steers it as closely as +possible, keeping to the surface unless he sights anything, and diving +as soon as anything shows up. Even if he dives he goes on as fast as +possible on his course, irrespective of whether he is being bombed or +not. +</p> + +<p> +I must say it worked very well last night. We shaped a course to pass +five miles west of Gris Nez, and when that light, which for some reason +the French had commodiously lit that night, was abeam, we sighted a +black object, probably a trawler or destroyer, about half a dozen miles +away right ahead. Weissman immediately dived and, without deviating a +degree from his course, held on at three-quarters speed on the motors. +Some time later the hydrophone watchkeeper reported the sound of +propellers in his listeners, and that he judged them to be close at +hand, so I imagine we passed very nearly directly underneath whatever +it was. +</p> + +<p> +After an hour's submerging we rose, and found dawn breaking over a +leaden and choppy sea. Nothing being in sight, we continued on the +surface for an hour, charging batteries with the starboard engine (500 +amps on each), but at 9 a.m., the clouds lying low and an aerial patrol +being frequent hereabouts, we dived and cruised steadily down channel +at slow speed, keeping periscope depth. +</p> + +<p> +Several times in the course of the forenoon we sighted small destroyers +and convoy craft [<a href="#f12">12</a>] in the distance, all steering westerly. They were +probably returning from escorting troopships over to France last night. +In every case we went to sixty feet long before they could have seen +our "stick." [<a href="#f13">13</a>] Weissman is evidently as cautious in this matter as he +is hardy in others; the more I see of him the more I like him; he is a +man of breeding, and it is of value to serve in this boat. +</p> + +<p class="ind"> +<a name="f12">12.</a> Probably "P" boats.--ETIENNE. +</p> + +<p class="ind"> +<a name="f13">13.</a> Periscope.--ETIENNE. +</p> + +<p> +As I write we are on the surface about ten miles east of the Isle of +Wight, still steering down channel. To-night at midnight we report our +position to Zeebrugge, up till now we have maintained wireless silence +for fear of the British and French directional stations picking up our +signals and fixing our position. +</p> + +<p> +After supper this evening Von Weissman explained to me the general plan +of our operations for the next eight days. Our cruising billet is about +150 miles south-west of the Scillys, at the focal point where trade for +Liverpool and Bristol and the up-channel trade diverges. Von Weissman +says that this is a plum billet and we should do well. +</p> + +<p> +I feel this is going to be better than those piffling little +mine-laying trips, and though we shall be away ten days, it will +qualify me for four days' leave in Belgium. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +There was nearly an awkward moment last night, or, rather, there was an +awkward moment, and nearly an awkward accident. I relieved the +navigator at midnight (the pilot is an unassuming individual called +Siegel) and took on the middle watch. It was blowing about force 4 from +the south-west, and a nasty short, lumpy sea was running which caught +us just on the port bow. About once every ten seconds she missed her +step with the waves and, dipping her nose into it, shovelled up tons of +water, which, as the bow lifted, raced aft and, breaking against the +gun, flung itself in clouds of spray against the bridge. In a very few +minutes every exposed portion of me was streaming with water. +</p> + +<p> +At about 2 a.m. I had turned my back to the sea for a moment, and my +thoughts were for an instant in Bruges, when, on facing forward once +again I saw a sight which effectually brought me back to earth. +</p> + +<p> +This was the spectacle of two black shapes, evidently steamers, one on +either bow, distant, I should estimate, 600 or 700 metres. I had to +make a quick decision, and I decided that to fire a torpedo in that sea +with any hope of a hit, especially with the boat on surface, was +useless; furthermore, that at any moment either of the steamers might +sight us from their high bridge and turn and ram. +</p> + +<p> +These thoughts were the work of an instant, and I at once rang the +diving bell, and, pushing the look-out before me, in five seconds I was +in the conning tower and had the hatch down. I at once proceeded down +into the boat, and the first thing that struck my eye was the diving +gauge with the needle practically stationary at two metres. +</p> + +<p> +The boat was not going down properly! and for an instant I was rudely +shaken, until a cool voice from the wardroom remarked, "Helm hard +a-port," an order that was instantly obeyed, and as she began to turn +the moving needle on the depth gauge began its journey round the dial. +It was the Captain who had spoken. As soon as he heard the diving alarm +he was out of his bunk, and a glance at the gauge he has fitted in the +wardroom told him we were not sinking rapidly. In an instant he had put +his finger on the trouble, which was that we were almost head on to the +sea, with the result that he had given the order as stated above, +which, bringing us beam on to the sea, had caused her to dive with +ease. He is efficiency itself! +</p> + +<p> +As I explained to him what had happened, the noise of propellers at +varying distances from us overhead led him to state his belief that we +had run into a convoy homeward bound to Southampton from the Atlantic. +</p> + +<p> +He approved of my actions in every particular, save only in my omission +to bring the boat away from the sea as I began to dive. +</p> + +<p> +This morning we are beginning to get the full force of what is +evidently going to be a south-westerly gale of some violence. The seas +are getting larger as we debouch into the Atlantic. This looks bad for +business. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +At the moment we are practically hove to on the surface, with the port +engine just jogging to keep her head on to sea and the starboard +ticking round to give her a long, slow charge of 200 amps. +</p> + +<p> +The wind is force 7-8 and a very big sea is running which makes it +entirely impossible to open the conning tower hatch; the engine is +getting its air through the special mushroom ventilator, which is +apparently not designed to supply both the boat's requirements and +those of the engine; the whole ventilator gets covered with sea every +now and then, during which period until the baffle drains get the water +away no air can get in, so the engine has a good suck at the air in the +boat, the result of all this being a slight vacuum in the boat. It is a +very unpleasant sensation, and made me very sick. This is really a form +of sickness due to the rarefied air. +</p> + +<p> +I had a great surprise when I looked at the barograph this morning as +the needle had gone right off the paper at the bottom, and at first +glance I thought we had struck a tropical depression of the first +magnitude, which, flouting all the laws of meteorology, had somehow +found its way to the English Channel; but the engineer explained to me +that, as I have already stated, the low atmospheric pressure in the +boat was due to the conning-tower hatch being shut down. +</p> + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/117.jpg"><img src="images/117th.jpg" alt="As the dim lights on the mole disappeared, the ceaseless fountain of starshells mingling with the flashing of guns, rose inland on our port beam"></a> +</p> + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/118.jpg"><img src="images/118th.jpg" alt="We hit her aft for the second time"></a> +</p> + +<p> +I have discovered that Von Weissman is a martyr to sea-sickness--all +day he has been lying down as white as a sheet and subsisting on milk +tablets and sips of brandy; yet such is the man's inflexibility of will +that he forces himself to make a tour of inspection right round the +boat every six hours, night and day. It is this will to conquer which +has made Germans unconquerable, though "Come the four corners of the +world in arms" against us, as the great poet says. +</p> + +<p> +We are, of course, keeping watch from inside the conning tower; it is, +at all events, dry, but as to seeing anything one might as well be +looking out through a small glass window from inside a breakwater! To +bed till 4 a.m. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +A most unprofitable day. I grudge every day away from Zoe on which we +do nothing. This morning about noon the gale blew itself out, but a +heavy confused sea continued to run. +</p> + +<p> +At 2 p.m. we saw a most tantalizing spectacle. A big tank steamer, +fully 600 feet long and of probably 17,000 tons burthen hove in sight, +escorted by two destroyers. To attack with the gun was impossible, as +we could only keep the conning tower open when stern to sea, and in any +case the two destroyers prevented any surface work. We tried to get in +for an attack, but we had not seen her in time, and the best we could +do was to get within 3,000 yards, at which range it would have been +absurd to have wasted a torpedo, the chances of hitting being 100 to 1 +against, even if the torpedo had run properly in the sea that was on. +</p> + +<p> +I had a good look at her through the foremost periscope in between the +waves, and it maddened me to see all that oil, doubtless from Tampico +for the Grand Fleet, going safely by. The destroyers were having a bad +time of it, crashing into the sea like porpoises, their funnels white +with salt, and their bridges enveloped in sheets of water and spray. +They little thought that, barely a mile away, amidst the tumbling, +crested waves a German eye was watching them! +</p> + +<p> +There is no doubt these damned British have pluck, for it was the last +sort of weather in which one would have expected to find destroyers at +sea, and yet I suppose they do this throughout the winter. +</p> + +<p> +After all, one would expect them to be tough fellows--they are of +Teutonic stock--though by their bearing one might imagine that the +Creator made an Englishman and then Adam. +</p> + +<p> +Let's hope we get some decent weather to-morrow. I have just been +refreshing my memory by reading of what I wrote in the book, concerning +the day in the forest with the adorable girl. There is an exquisite +pleasure in transporting the mind into such memories of the past when +the body is in such surroundings as the present, if only I could will +myself to dream of her! +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +A fine day in every sense of the word. The weather has been and remains +excellent, and I have been present at my first sinking. It was absurdly +commonplace. At 10 a.m. this morning a column of smoke crept upwards +from the southern horizon. +</p> + +<p> +Von Weissman steered towards it on the surface until two masts and the +top of a funnel appeared. We dived and proceeded slowly under water on +a southerly course. +</p> + +<p> +Half an hour passed and Von Weissman brought the boat up to periscope +depth and had a look. He called to me to come and see, an invitation I +accepted with alacrity. +</p> + +<p> +With natural excitement I looked through the periscope and there she +was, unconsciously ambling to her doom like a fat sheep. +</p> + +<p> +She was a steamer (British) of about 4,000 tons, slugging home at a +steady ten knots, but she was destined to come to her last mooring +place ahead of schedule time! +</p> + +<p> +We dipped our periscope and I went forward to the tubes. Five minutes +elapsed and the order instrument bell rang, the pointer flicking to +"Stand by." I personally removed the firing gear safety pin and put the +repeat to "Ready." A breathless pause, then a slight shake and +destruction was on its way, whilst I realized by the angle of the boat +that Weissman was taking us down a few metres. +</p> + +<p> +That shows his coolness, he didn't even trouble to watch his shot. +</p> + +<p> +Anxiously I watch the second hand of my stop watch. Weissman had told +me the range would be about 500 metres--30 seconds--31--32--33--has he +missed?--34--35--3--A dull rumble comes through the water and the +whole boat shakes. Hurra! we have hit, and the order "Surface" comes +along the voice pipe. +</p> + +<p> +The cheerful voice of the blower is heard, evacuating the tanks; I run +to the conning tower and closely follow Weissman up the ladder. At last +I am on the bridge. There she is! What a sight! +</p> + +<p> +I feel that I shall never forget what she looked like, though, if all +goes well, I shall see many another fine ship go to her grave. +</p> + +<p> +But she was my first; I felt the same sensation when, as a boy, I shot +my first roe-deer in the Black Forest, one instant a living thing +beautiful to perfection, the next my rifle spoke and a bleeding carcase +lay beneath the fine trees. So with this ship. I am a sailor, and to +every sailor every ship that floats has, as it were, a soul, a +personality, an entity; to carry the analogy further, a merchant craft +is like some fat beast of utility, an ox, a cow, or a sheep, whilst a +warship is a lion if she is a battleship, a leopard if she is a light +cruiser, etc.; in all cases worthy game. +</p> + +<p> +But War has little use for sentimentality! and in my usual wandering +manner I see that I have meandered from the point and quite forgotten +what she did look like. +</p> + +<p> +What I saw was this: +</p> + +<p> +I saw that the steamer had been hit forward on the starboard side. The +upper portion of the stem piece was almost down to the water level, her +foremost hold was obviously filling rapidly. Her stern was high out of +water, the red ensign of England flapping impotently on the ensign +staff. Her propeller, which was still slowly revolving, thrashed the +water, and this heightened the impression that I was watching the +struggles of a dying animal. The propeller was revolving in spasmodic +jerks, due, I imagine, to the fast failing steam only forcing the +cranks over their dead centres with an effort. +</p> + +<p> +A boat was being lowered with haste from the two davits abreast the +funnel on one side, but when she was full of men and, due to the angle + +of the ship, well down by the bow, someone inboard let go the foremost +fall or else it broke, for the bows of the boat fell downwards and half +a dozen figures were projected in grotesque attitudes into the sea. For +a few seconds the boat swung backwards and forwards, like a pendulum. +</p> + +<p> +When she came to rest, hanging vertically downwards from the stern, I +noticed that a few men were still clinging like flies to her thwarts. +Truly, anything is better than the Atlantic in winter. Meanwhile the +ship had ceased to sink as far as outward signs went. +</p> + +<p> +I mentioned this to Von Weissman, who was at my side with a slight +smile on his face, amused doubtless at the eagerness with which I +watched every detail of this, to me, novel tragedy. He answered me that +I need not worry, that she was being supported by an air lock somewhere +forward, that the water was slowly creeping into her and her boilers +would probably soon go. +</p> + +<p> +This remarkable man was absolutely correct. +</p> + +<p> +There was an interval of about five minutes, during which another boat, +evidently successfully lowered from the other side, came round her +stern, picked up one or two men from the water and also collected the +survivors in the hanging boat; then the steamer suddenly sank another +two feet, there was a dull rumbling, as of heavy machinery falling from +a height, a muffled report, a cloud of steam and smoke, a sucking noise +and then a pool in the water, in the middle of which odd bits of wood +and other buoyant debris kept on bobbing up. Nothing else! +</p> + +<p> +No! I am wrong, there were two other things: a U-boat, representing the +might of Germany, and a whaler with perhaps twenty men in it, +representing the plight of England! +</p> + +<p> +As she went I felt hushed and solemn, it was an impressive moment; a +slight chuckle came from imperturbable Weissman; he had seen too many +go to think much of it, and he gave an order for the helm to be put +over, so that we might approach the whaler. +</p> + +<p> +They were horribly overcrowded, and were engaged in trying to sort +themselves into some sort of order. We passed by them at 50 yards and +Weissman, seizing his megaphone, shouted in English: "Goodbye! steer +west for America!" A cold horror gripped my heart. It was an awful +moment. I dare not write the thoughts that entered my head. +</p> + +<p> +I turned away my head and faced aft, that he should not see my face; +looking back I saw the whaler rocking dangerously in our wash, and then +a commotion took place in her stern, from which a huge bearded man +arose and, shaking his fist in our direction, shouted something or +other before his companions pulled him down. +</p> + +<p> +Von Weissman heard and his lips narrowed in. I held my breath in +suspense, but he evidently decided against what he had been about to +do, for with the order, "Course north! ten knots," he went below. +</p> + +<p> +I remained on deck watching the rapidly receding whaler through my +glasses until she was a mere speck--alone on the ocean, 150 miles from +land, Then the navigator came up, and with strangely mixed feelings of +exultant joy and depressing sorrow I went below. +</p> + +<p> +Von Weissman was in the wardroom. I watched him unobserved. He was +humming a tune to himself and had just completed putting a green dot on +the chart. This done he lay back on the settee and closed his +eyes--strange, insoluble man! +</p> + +<p> +For long hours I could not forget that whaler; I see it now as I write. +I suppose I shall get used to it all. What would Zoe say? +</p> + +<p> +The most wonderful thing about man is that he can stand the strain of +his own invention of modern war! +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +I am rather tired to-night, but must just jot down briefly what has +taken place to-day, as there is never any time in the daylight hours. +</p> + +<p> +Soon after dawn, at about 8 a.m., we sighted a fair-sized steamer of +about 3,000 tons, which we sunk, but I cannot say what she looked like, +or whether anyone escaped, as we never came to the surface at all, Von +Weissman sighting smoke on the western horizon just as he hit her. We +accordingly steered in that direction. However, I think she went almost +at once as Von Weissman put a dot (black) on the chart as we made +towards number 3. +</p> + +<p> +I very much wanted to know whether there were any survivors, but I did +not like to ask him at the time and he has been in such an infernal +temper ever since that I haven't had a suitable opportunity. +</p> + +<p> +The cause of his rage was as follows: +</p> + +<p> +Steamer number 3 turned out to be a fine fat chap (of the Clan Line, +Von Weissman said, when we first sighted her). We moved in to attack +and fired our port bow tube. I waited in vain by the tubes for the +expected explosion--nothing happened, but after a couple of minutes a +snarl came down the voice pipe: "Surface, GUN ACTION STATIONS!" +</p> + +<p> +I ran aft, and found the Captain white with rage. +</p> + +<p> +"Missed ahead!" he said, with intense feeling, "I'll have to use that +confounded gun." +</p> + +<p> +In about three minutes the Captain and myself were on the bridge and +the crew were at their stations round the gun. +</p> + +<p> +For the first time I saw the ship; she was stern on and apparently +painted with black and white stripes. As I examined her through +glasses--she was distant about 3,000 yards--I saw a flash aboard her +and a few seconds later a projectile moaned overhead and fell about +6,000 yards over. So she is armed, thought I, and she has actually +opened fire on us first. +</p> + +<p> +The effect of this unexpected retort on the part of the Englishman was +to throw Weissman into a paroxysm of rage. +</p> + +<p> +"Why don't you fire? What the devil are you waiting for?" etc., etc., +were some of the remarks he flung at the gun crew. +</p> + +<p> +I did not consider it advisable to mention to him that they were +probably waiting his order to fire, and also his orders for range and +deflection, as I had imagined that, here as everywhere else, an officer +controls the gun-fire. Apparently in this boat it is not so, as +Weissman takes so little interest in his gun that he affects to be, or +else actually is, ignorant of the elements of gun control. +</p> + +<p> +At any rate, under the lash of his tongue, the gun's crew soon got into +action, the gun-layer taking charge. Our first shot was short, very +considerably so, as was also the second. Meanwhile the steamer had been +keeping up a very creditably controlled rate of fire, straddling us +twice, but missing for deflection, as was natural considering that we +were bows on to her. +</p> + +<p> +I felt thoroughly in my element listening to the significant wail of +the enemy's shell, punctuated by the ear-splitting report of our own +gun. Weissman, gripping the rail with both hands, and to my surprise +ducking when one went overhead, watched the target with a fixed +expression, but made no attempt to control our gun-fire, which was far +from creditable, as is inevitable when it is left to the mercy of the +inferior intellect of a seaman. +</p> + +<p> +However, at the tenth or eleventh round we hit her in the upper works, +as was shown by a bright red and yellow flash near her funnel. This did +not check her firing or speed in the least, in fact she seemed to be +gaining on us. She also began to zigzag slightly and throw smoke bombs +overboard, which were not so effective from her point of view as I had +thought they would be. +</p> + +<p> +Matters were thus for some minutes. We had just hit her aft for the +second time, though the shooting was so disgustingly bad that I was +about to ask whether I might do the duties of control officer, when +there was a blinding flash and the air seemed filled with moaning +fragments. When I had recovered from my relief from finding that I was +personally uninjured, I observed that two of the gun's crew were +wounded and one was lying, either killed or seriously wounded, on the +casing. We had been hit in the casing, well forward, and, as was +subsequently proved when we dived, little material damage was caused to +the boat. +</p> + +<p> +This enemy success caused a temporary cessation of fire. The two + +wounded men were cautiously making their way aft to the conning tower, +and I called for a couple of stokers to come up and carry away the +third, when Von Weissman suddenly gave the order to dive. The gun's +crew at once made a rush for the conning tower, and were down the hatch +in a trice, one of the wounded men fainting at the bottom. +</p> + +<p> +I was unaware as to the reason of this order to dive, and thought that +perhaps the Captain had sighted a periscope. As I was turning to +precede him down the conning tower hatch I distinctly saw the man lying +by the gun lift his hand. I felt I could not leave him there, and +instinctively cried, "He is still alive!" But Von Weissman, who was +urging the crew to hurry down the hatch, pressed the diving alarm as +soon as the last sailor was half in the hatch. +</p> + +<p> +I knew that this meant that the boat would be under in 30 to 40 +seconds, so I had no alternative but to get down the hatch as quickly +as possible. +</p> + +<p> +I did so with reluctance, and I was followed by Von Weissman, who +joined me in the upper conning tower. +</p> + +<p> +I forced myself not to look out of the conning tower scuttles during +the few seconds that elapsed as the casing slowly went under, until at +last nothing but waving green water showed at each little window. I +feared that, if I had looked, I would have seen a wounded man, stung +into activity by the cold touch of the Atlantic. Perhaps Von Weissman +read my thoughts, or else he remembered my remark concerning the man, +for he turned to me and in level tones said: +</p> + +<p> +"Have you any doubt that he was dead?" +</p> + +<p> +I hesitated a moment, and he continued: +</p> + +<p> +"By my direction you have no doubt. He <i>was</i>!" +</p> + +<p> +How brutal war is, and what a perfect exponent of the art the Captain +proves himself to be! To me a life is a life, a particle of the thing +divine; to him a life is a unit, and a half-maimed and probably dying +seaman is as nothing in the scales when the safety of a U-boat is at +stake. The seamen are numbered in their tens of thousands, the U-boats +in their tens. The steamer had hit us once, luckily only in the casing, +a second hit might well have punctured the pressure hull, and our fate +in these waters would have been certain. Therefore, having summed these +things up and balanced them in his mind, he dived and the sailor died. +</p> + +<p> +Once below water Von Weissman seemed more his imperturbable self, and +unless I am mistaken he is never really happy on the surface, at least +when in action. He is a true water mole. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +A day full of interest, though once again I have had to force myself to +absorb the horrors of War. I imagine that I am now going through the +experiences of a new arrival on the Western Front, who feels a desire +to shudder at the sight of every corpse. +</p> + +<p> +At 10 a.m. this morning we sighted the topsails of a sailing boat to +the southwest. Closing her on the surface, we approached to within +about 6,000 metres, when suddenly Von Weissman ordered "Gun Action +Stations." +</p> + +<p> +The gun crew came tumbling up, but not quick enough to suit him, for as +they were mustering at the gun he gave the order to dive, only, +however, taking her down to periscope depth before instantly ordering +surface and then "Gun Action Stations" again. This time we opened fire +on the ship, which was a Norwegian barque and, being in the barred +zone, liable to destruction. +</p> + +<p> +Von Weissman had announced overnight that at the first opportunity he +would give "that ---- gun's crew a bellyful of practice," and he +certainly did. As soon as the first shot was fired, she backed her +topsails, and when our fourth shot struck her, somewhere near the foot +of the foremast, her crew could be seen hastily abandoning their ship. +</p> + +<p> +This action on their part had no influence with Von Weissman, who had +taken personal charge of the helm, and, with the engines running at +three-quarter speed, he was zigzagging about, to make it harder for the +gun's crew. Every now and then he flung a gibe at the crew, such as +suggesting that they should go back to the High Seas Fleet and learn +how to shoot. +</p> + +<p> +The sailing ship was soon on fire, for, considering the circumstances, +the shooting was very fair, though had I been controlling it I could +have confidently guaranteed better results. When she was blazing nicely +fore and aft, Von Weissman ordered the practice to cease, and sent the +crew below. He then ordered course south, speed ten knots, and I took +over the watch. +</p> + +<p> +An hour and a half later, when the navigator gave me a spell, a black +cloud on the northern horizon marked the funeral pyre of another of our +victims. When I went below, the Captain had just finished playing with +his precious old chart. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +We received a message at 2 a.m. last night from Heligoland to return +forthwith; it is now 2 a.m. and we are approaching the redoubtable +Dover Barrage. We had no trouble coming up channel to-day, which seems +singularly empty, at any rate in mid-channel, where we were. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +We got back about three hours ago, and as I was appointed temporary to +the boat, Von Weissman kindly allowed me to leave her and come up to +Bruges as soon as we got into the shelters at Zeebrugge. +</p> + +<p> +I got up here just, in time for a late dinner. Hunger satisfied, I +retired to my room and, needless to say, at once rang up my darling +Zoe. +</p> + +<p> +By the mercy of providence she was in, but imagine my sensations when I +heard that that accursed swine of a Colonel was also back from the +front, and expected in at the flat at any moment, being then, she +thought, engaged in his after dinner drinking bouts at the cavalry +officers' club. I could only groan. +</p> + +<p> +A laugh at the other end stung me to furious rage, appeased in an +instant by her soothing tones as she told me that I should be glad to +hear that he was only up from the Somme on a four-days leave, and was +returning next morning by the 8 a.m. troop train. Glad! I could have +danced for joy. I breathed again. +</p> + +<p> +As the Colonel was expected back at any moment she thought it advisable +to terminate the conversation, which was done with obvious reluctance +on her part, or so I flatter myself. +</p> + +<p> +He goes to-morrow, so far so good, but what of the intervening period? +</p> + +<p> +Could any more refined torture be imagined than that I, who love her as +I love my own soul, should have to sit here, whilst scarcely a mile +away, probably at this very moment as I write, that gross brute is +privileged to kiss her, to look at her, to--oh! it's unbearable. When I +think of that hog, for though I've never seen him, I've seen his +photograph, and I know instinctively that he <i>is</i> gross, fresh, as she +says, from a drinking bout, should at this moment be permitted to raise +his pigs' eyes and look into those glorious wells of violet light; when +I think that his is the privilege to see those masses of black hair +fall in uncontrolled splendour, then I understand to the full the deep +pleasures of murder. +</p> + +<p> +I would give anything to destroy this man, and could shake the +Englishman by the hand who fires the delivering bullet! +</p> + +<p> +Steady! Steady! What do I write? No! I mean it, every word of it. Yet +of all the mysteries, and to me Zoe is a mass of them, surely the + +strangest of all is contained in the question: Why does she live with +him? +</p> + +<p> +She doesn't love him, she's practically told me so. In fact, I know she +doesn't. Let me reason it out by logic. She lives with him, whether +voluntarily or involuntarily. Suppose it be voluntarily, then her +reasons must be (a) Love; (b) Fascination; (c) Some secret reason. If +she is living with him involuntarily it must be: (d) He has a hold on +her; (e) For financial reasons. +</p> + +<p> +I strike out at once (a) and (e), for in the case of (e) she knows well +that I would provide for her, and (a) I refuse to admit, (b) is hardly +credible--I eliminate that. I am left with (c) and (d) which might be +the same thing. But what hold can he have on her; she can't have a +past, she is too young and sweet for that. +</p> + +<p> +I must find out about this before I go to sea again. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Three days ago, I was racking my brains for the solution of a problem, +and, as I see from what I wrote, I was somewhat outside myself. In the +interval things have taken an amazing turn. I am still bewildered--but +I must put it all down from the beginning. +</p> + +<p> +The Colonel left as she said he would, and I went round to lunch with +her. +</p> + +<p> +We had a delightful <i>tête-à -tête</i>, and after lunch she played the +piano. I was feeling in splendid voice and she accompanied me to +perfection in Tchaikowsky's "To the Forest," always a favourite of +mine. As the last chords died away, Zoe jumped up from the piano and, +with eyes dancing with excitement, placed her hands on my shoulders and +exclaimed: +</p> + +<p> +"Karl! I have an idea! I shall make a prisoner of you for two or three +days." +</p> + +<p> +I laughed heartily and almost told her that she had already made me a +prisoner for life, only I can never get those sort of remarks out quick +enough. +</p> + +<p> +But when she said, "No! I am not joking, I mean it," I felt there was +more meaning in her sentence than I had at first thought. I begged to +be enlightened, and she then unfolded her scheme. +</p> + +<p> +She told me for the first time, that in a forest not far from Bruges +she had a little summer-house, to which she used to retreat for +week-ends in the hot weather when the Colonel was away. He knew nothing +of this country house (she was very insistent on that point), so I +imagined she paid for it out of her dress allowance or in some other +way. The idea that had just struck her was that she had a sudden fancy +to go and spend two days there, and I was to go with her. +</p> + +<p> +I was ready to go to Africa with her if my leave permitted, and it so +happened that I was due for four days' overseas leave (limited to +Belgian territory) so that this fitted in very well, and I told her so. +</p> + +<p> +She was delighted, then, with one of those quick intuitions which women +are so clever at, she read the half-formed thought in my mind, and +said: "You mustn't think it's not going to be conventional; old Babette +will be with us to chaperon me." Old Babette is an aged female whom she +calls her maid. I think she is jealous of me. +</p> + +<p> +I agreed at once that of course I quite understood it was to be highly +conventional, etc., though I smiled to myself as I visualized my +mother's shocked face and uplifted hands had she heard my Zoe's ideas +on the conventions. +</p> + +<p> +I was trying to fathom what was at the bottom of it all when she +remarked: "Of course, as my prisoner you will have to obey all my +orders." +</p> + +<p> +I replied that this was certainly so. +</p> + +<p> +"And one of the first things," she continued, "that happens to a +prisoner when he goes through the enemy lines is that he is +blindfolded, and in the same way I shan't let you know where you are +going." +</p> + +<p> +Seeing a doubtful look in my eyes as I endeavoured to keep pace with +the underlying idea, if any, of this truly feminine fancy, she suddenly +came up to me and, lifting her eyes to mine, murmured: "Don't you trust +me?" +</p> + +<p> +In a moment my passion flared up, and rained hot kisses on her face as +she struggled to release herself from my arms. +</p> + +<p> +When I left that night after dinner, and, walking on air, returned to +the Mess, it was arranged that I should be at her flat with my +suit-case at 6 p.m. the next evening, prepared, to use her own words, +"to disappear with me for 48 hours." +</p> + +<p> +She had told me of an address in Bruges which she said would forward on +any telegram if I was recalled, and I had to be satisfied with that, +for I may as well say here that I never discovered where I went to, and +I don't know to this moment in what part of Belgium I spent the last +two nights. +</p> + +<p> +I tried to find out at first, but as she obviously attached some +importance to keeping the locality of her woodland retreat a secret, +probably to circumvent the Colonel, I soon gave up trying to get the +secret from her, and contented myself with taking things as they came. +</p> + +<p> +To go on with my account of what happened--which was really so +remarkable that I propose writing it out in detail to the best of my +memory--at 6 p.m. next day I was naturally at her flat feeling very +much as if I was on the threshold of an adventure. +</p> + +<p> +Zoe was excited and the flat was in a turmoil, as apparently she had +only just begun to pack her dressing-case. +</p> + +<p> +Soon after six we went down and got into a large Mercédès car which I +had noticed standing outside when I arrived. We were soon on our way, +and left Bruges by the Eastern barrier; we showed our passes and +proceeded into the darkened country-side. We had been running for about +a mile when she remarked, "Prisoners will now be blindfolded!" and, to +my astonishment, slipped a little black silk bag over my head. +</p> + +<p> +I was so startled I didn't know whether to be angry, or to laugh, or +what to do. Eventually I did nothing, and, entering into the spirit of +the game, declared that even a wretched prisoner had the right not to +be stifled, whereupon she lifted the lower portion of the bag and +uncovered my mouth. Shortly afterwards I was electrified to feel a pair +of soft lips meet mine, a sensation which was repeated at frequent +intervals, and, as I whispered in her ear, under these conditions I was +prepared to be taken prisoner into the jaws of hell. +</p> + +<p> +This pleasant journey had lasted for about three-quarters of an hour +when my mask was removed and I was informed that I was "inside the +enemy lines!" Through the windows of the car I could dimly see that an +apparently endless mass of fir trees were rushing past on each side. +This state of affairs continued for a kilometre or so, when we branched +to the right and soon entered a large clearing in the forest, at one +side of which stood the house. Babette, Zoe and myself entered the +building, and the car disappeared, presumably back to Bruges. +</p> + +<p> +The house, built of logs, was of two stories; on the ground floor were +two living rooms, and the domains of Babette, who amongst her other +accomplishments turned out to be not only a most capable valet, but a +first-class cook. On the second story there were two large rooms. The +whole house was furnished after the manner of a hunting lodge, with +stags' heads on the walls, and skins on the floors. In the drawing-room +there was a piano and a few etchings of the wild boar by Schaffein. +</p> + +<p> +I dressed for dinner in my "smoking," though under ordinary +circumstances I should have considered this rather formal, but I was +glad I did, for she appeared in full evening <i>tenue</i>. She wore a violet +gown, and across her forehead a black satin bandeau with a Z in +diamonds upon it. It must have cost two thousand marks, and I wondered +with a dull kind of jealousy whether the Colonel had given it to her. +</p> + +<p> +I cannot remember of what we talked during dinner. We have a hundred +subjects in common, and we look at so many aspects of the world through +the same pair of eyes; I only know that when I have been talking to her +for a period--there is no exact measurement of time for me when I am +with her--I leave her presence feeling "completed." I feel that a sort +of gap within my being has been filled, that a spiritual hunger has +been satisfied, that I have got something which I wanted, but for which +I could not have formulated the desire in words. I had resolved that on +this first night I would bring matters between us to a head and end +this delicious but intolerable uncertainty as to how we stood; yet, +when old Babette had served us with coffee in the drawing-room, as I +call the second living-room, and we were alone together, I could not +bring up the subject. Partly because I think she prevented me so doing +by that skilful shepherding of the conversation into other paths with +an artfulness with which God endows all women, and also partly because +I could not screw myself up to the pitch. I could not, or rather would +not, put my fate to the touch. I had a presentiment that in reaching +for the summit I might fall from the slope. Alas! how true was this +foreboding in some senses--but I will keep all things in their right +order. +</p> + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/151.jpg"><img src="images/151th.jpg" alt="The track met our ram"></a> +</p> + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/152.jpg"><img src="images/152th.jpg" alt="In the flash I caught a glimpse of his conning tower"></a> +</p> + +<p> +Let it only be recorded that when she kissed me good-night (with the +tenderness of a mother) and left me to smoke a final cigar I had said +nothing, and I could only wonder at the strange fate that had placed me +practically alone with a girl whom I had grown to love with a deep +emotion, and who appeared to love me, yet often behaved as if I was her +brother. +</p> + +<p> +The next day we were like two children. The snow was deep on the +ground, and the fir trees stood like thousands of sentinels in grey +uniform round the clearing. Once during the afternoon, as with Zoe's +assistance I was furiously chopping wood for the fire, a droning noise +made me look up, and thousands of metres overhead a small squadron of +aeroplanes, evidently bound for the Western Front, sailed slowly across +the sky. I thought how awkward it would be for them if they experienced +an engine failure whilst over the forest, though they were up so high +that I imagine they could have glided ten kilometres, and as I think +(but I am not certain, and I have pledged myself not to try and find +out) we were in the Forest of Montellan, which is barely fifteen +kilometres broad, I suppose they could have fallen clear of the trees. +</p> + +<p> +As a matter of fact I imagine they would have used our clearing--I'm +glad they didn't. +</p> + +<p> +That night after dinner she played to me, first Beethoven and then +Chopin. I can see her as I write; she had just finished the 14th +Prelude and, resting her chin on her hand, she smiled mysteriously at +me. +</p> + +<p> +The hour had come, and, driven by strong impulses, I spoke. I told her +that I loved her as I had never thought that a man could love a woman; +I told her that I longed to shield her and protect her, and above all +things to remove her from the clutches of that bestial Colonel, and as +I bent over her and felt my senses swim in the subtleties of her +perfume, I begged her passionately to say the word that would give me +the right to fight the world on her behalf. +</p> + +<p> +When I had finished she was silent for a long while, and I can remember +distinctly that I wondered whether she could hear the thump! thump! +thump! of my heart, which to my agitated mind seemed to beat with the +strength of a hammer. +</p> + +<p> +At length she spoke; two words came slowly from her lips: +</p> + +<p> +"I cannot." +</p> + +<p> +I was not discouraged. I could see, I could feel, that a tremendous +struggle was raging, the outward signs of which were concealed by her +averted head. +</p> + +<p> +At length I asked her point-blank whether she loved me. Her silence +gave me my answer, and I took her unresisting body into my arms and +kissed her to distraction. Oh! these kisses, how bitter they seem to me +now, and yet how I long to hold her once again. For, freeing herself +from my embrace and speaking almost mechanically, she said: +</p> + +<p> +"Karl! I must tell you. I cannot marry you." +</p> + +<p> +I pleaded, I prayed, I argued, I demanded. It was in vain; I always +came up against the immovable "I cannot." +</p> + +<p> +And then I crashed over the precipice towards whose edge I had been +blindly going. I had said for the hundredth time, "But you know you +love me," when with a sob she abandoned all reserve, and, flinging her +arms round my neck, implored me to take her. Then, as I caught my +breath, she quickly said, as if frightened that she had gone too far, +"But I cannot marry you." +</p> + +<p> +I looked down into those beautiful eyes, and for the first time I +understood. For perhaps ten seconds I battled for my soul and the +purity of our love; then, tearing my sight from those eyes which would +lure an archangel to destruction, I was once more master of my body. As +my resolution grew, I hated her for doing this thing that had wrecked +in an instant the hopes of months, the ideals on which I had begun to +build afresh my life. +</p> + +<p> +She felt the change, and left me. +</p> + +<p> +As she went out by the door she gave me one last look, a look in which +love struggled with shame, a look which no man has ever earned the +right to receive from any woman. +</p> + +<p> +But I was as a statue of marble, dazed by this calamity. +</p> + +<p> +As the door closed upon her, I started forward--it was too late. +</p> + +<p> +Had she waited another instant--but there, I write of what has happened +and not what might have been. +</p> + +<p> +I did not sleep that night, until the dawn began to separate each fir +tree from the black mass of the forest. Twice in the night, with shame +I confess it, I opened my door and looked down the little passage-way; +and twice I closed the door and threw myself upon my bed in an agony of +torment. It was ten o'clock when a knock at the door aroused me, and +the sunlight through the window-pane was tracing patterns on the floor. +</p> + +<p> +There was a note on the breakfast table, but before I opened it I knew +that, save for Babette, I was alone in the house. +</p> + +<p> +The note was brief, unaddressed and unsigned. I have it here before me; +I have meant to tear it up but I cannot. It is a weakness to keep it, +but I have lost so much in the last few days, that I will not grudge +myself some small relic of what has been. The note says: +</p> + +<p> +"I am leaving for Bruges at half-past eight, when the car was ordered +to fetch us back. I go alone. Babette will give you breakfast. The car +will return for you at eleven o'clock. I rely on your honour in that +you will not observe where you have been. Come to me when you want +me--till then, farewell." +</p> + +<p> +It was as she said, and I honourably acceded to her request. This +afternoon just before lunch I arrived in Bruges, and since tea-time I +have tried to write down what has happened since I left the day before +yesterday. Oh! how could she do it, how can it be possible that she is +a woman like that? I could have sworn that she was not like this--and +yet how can I account for her life with the Colonel? There must be some +reason, but in Heaven's name, what? +</p> + +<p> +Meanwhile I am to go to her when I want her! And that will be when I +can give her my name. But oh! Zoe, I want you now, so badly, oh! so +badly! +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +I saw her once to-day in the gardens, walking by herself. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +I have told Max's secretary that I want to get to sea; to be here in +Bruges and not to see her is more than I can bear. +</p> + +<p> +I sail at dawn to-morrow. Shall I see her? No, it is best not. +</p> + +<p> +A frightful noise over the New Year celebrations to-night. Champagne +flowing like water in the Mess. I feel the year 1917 opens badly for +me. +</p> + +<p> +Weissman also went to sea again for a short trip in the Channel, and +has not reported for five days. Perhaps he has despised the Dover +Barrage once too often. If this is so, it is a great loss to the +service: he was a man of iron resolution in underwater attack. +</p> + +<p> +I feel I ought to despise Zoe, but I can't. I love her too much; after +all, am I not perhaps encasing myself in the robe of a Pharisee? +</p> + +<p> +She offered me all she had, save only the one thing I asked, without +which I will take nothing. I cannot reconcile her behaviour with her +character; why can't she trust me? why can't she be frank with me? I +will not believe she is that sort. +</p> + +<p> +I feel I cannot go out again without a <i>sign</i>--I may not return, and I +will not leave her, perhaps for ever, with this bitterness between us. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +At sea in U.C.47 again. Alten as surly as ever. +</p> + +<p> +I decided finally to write to Zoe, but found it difficult to know what +to say. Eventually I said more than I had intended. I told her frankly +that I experienced a shock, but that I had not meant to seem so cold, +and that what I had done had been done for both our sakes. I told her +that I still loved her, and I implored her once more to leave the +Colonel and come to me as my wife. +</p> + +<p> +Already I long to know what message awaits me on my return. +</p> + +<p> +This will not be for three days. We left at dawn this morning to lay +mines off the channel to Harwich harbour; a nest from which submarines, +cruisers and destroyers buzz in and out like wasps. It will be ticklish +work. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +<i>On the bottom</i>. +</p> + +<p> +Our mines are still with us, but so are our lives, which is something. +</p> + +<p> +We were approaching the appointed spot at 6 a.m. this morning, when +without the slightest warning the track of a torpedo was seen streaking +towards us about 50 yards on the starboard bow. +</p> + +<p> +Before Alten (who was on the bridge with me) could do more than press +the diving alarm, the track met our ram. I breathed again, and was then +reminded by an oath from Alten that the boat was diving. +</p> + +<p> +It was evident that we had only been saved by the torpedo running deep +under the cut-away part of our bow, otherwise!--well, the tangle of my +affairs would have been easily straightened. +</p> + +<p> +Further procedure on the surface was suicidal, and we kept hydrophone +patrol, twice hearing the motors of the enemy submarine. At the moment +we are on the bottom waiting to come up and charge to-night, and lay +our mines at dawn to-morrow. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +On the bottom in 28 metres and feeling none too comfortable, as there +would appear to be about a dozen destroyers overhead. +</p> + +<p> +Last night, or rather early this morning, I participated in one of the +most extraordinary incidents that I have ever heard of. +</p> + +<p> +It was pitch-black dark when I took over at 4 a.m., and a fresh breeze +had raised a lumpy sea, which covered the bridge with spray. We were +charging 400 amps on each, with the intention of laying one mine +directly there was sufficient light to get a fix from some of the buoys +which the English stick down all over the place here in the most +convenient manner possible. If only one could believe they never +shifted them. Alten says it never occurs to an Englishman to do a thing +like that, but I'm not so sure. However, we were proceeding along at +about five knots, crashing into the sea rather badly, when out of the +black beastliness of the night I saw a shape close aboard on the port +hand. +</p> + +<p> +As I hesitated for a second as to my course of action, I was astounded +to see a large submarine which must have been British, on an opposite +course, not more than 25 metres away! +</p> + +<p> +This sounds absurd, but it really wasn't further. I'm not ashamed to +confess that I was completely disorganized; it did not seem possible +that the enemy was literally alongside me. +</p> + +<p> +I don't know how it struck the officer in the British boat, but I must +give him credit for doing something first, for he fired a Very's white +light straight at me as the two boats passed. It impinged on the hull, +and in the flash I caught a photographic glimpse of his conning tower, +on which was painted the letter E, followed by two numbers, of which +one was a two I think, and the other a nine. +</p> + +<p> +By this time he was on my port quarter and rapidly disappearing; in a +frenzy of rage I managed to get my revolver out, and whilst with the +left hand I pressed the diving alarm, with the right hand I emptied the +magazine in his direction. When we were down, Alten practically +refused to believe me, which made me very pleased that in descending I +had trod on a pair of hands which turned out to be his, as he had +started up the ladder to the upper conning tower when he first heard +the alarm. +</p> + +<p> +I presume our opponent dived as well, but evidently he had put two and +two together and used his aerial at some period, for when at dawn we +poked a periscope up, a flotilla of destroyers appeared to be looking +for something, which "something" was us, unless I am much mistaken; so +we bottomed, where we have been ever since. The Hydroplane Operator +keeps up a monotonous sing-song to the effect that "Fast running +propellers are either receding or approaching." The crew are collected +round the mine-tubes as I write, and are singing a lugubrious song, the +refrain of which runs: +</p> + +<p class="ind"> + "Death for the Fatherland! Glorious fate,<br> + This is the end that we gladly await." +</p> + +<p> +Why will the seamen always become morbid when possible? And there is +not a man amongst them who is not inwardly thinking of some beer-hall +in Bruges, though I suppose that like their betters they have their +romances of a tenderer kind. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +The boat has been rolling about on the bottom in the most sickening +manner the whole afternoon. We flooded P and Q to capacity, which gave +her 50 tons negative, but it seems to have little effect in steadying +her, and it is evident that a really heavy gale is running on top. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Surfaced at 10 p.m.; a very heavy sea running and impossible to do much +more than heave to. This weather has one point in its favour and that +is that the destroyers are driven in. +</p> + +<p> +It got steadily worse all night, and at midnight we lost our foremost +wireless mast overboard; we have now (10 a.m.) been 48 hours without +communication. At dawn we could see nothing to fix by; not a buoy in +sight, nothing but an expanse of foam-topped short steep waves of dirty +neutral-tinted water; how different to the great green and white surges +of the broad Atlantic. +</p> + +<p> +Under these circumstances Alten decided to risk it and return without +laying our mines; for once in a way I agreed with him, as it is better +not to lay a minefield at all than dump one down in some unknown +position which one may have to traverse oneself in the course of a +month or so. We are now slowly, very slowly, struggling back to +Zeebrugge. +</p> + +<p> +A green sea came down the conning tower to-day, and everything in the +boat is damp and smelly and beastly. The propellers race at frequent +intervals and the whole boat shudders--I feel miserable. +</p> + +<p> +Alten has started to drink spirits; he began as soon as we decided to +go back. He will be incapable by to-night, and it means that I shall +have to take her in. +</p> + +<p> +What hell this is, sitting in sodden clothes, with the stench of four +days' living assaulting the nostrils, and a motion of the devil; the +glass is very low and is slowly rising, so that I suppose it will blow +harder soon, though it is about force eight at present. +</p> + +<p> +I wonder what Zoe will have written in reply to my note. When I think +of what I rejected and compare it with my beast-like existence here, I +can hardly believe that I behaved as I did--what would I not give now +to be transported back to the forest! At this rate of progress we shall +take another 24 hours. I wonder if I can knock another half-knot out of +her without smashing her up. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +The extraordinarily violent motion has upset the <i>Anschutz</i>. [<a href="#f14">14</a>] The +bearing cone of the stabilizing gyro has cracked, and the master +compass began to wander off in circles. I was just resting for an hour +or two, wedged up on a wet settee with coats equally wet, when her +heavy pitching changed to a wallowing roll, and I heard the pilot, who +was on watch, cursing down the voice-pipe, as we had sagged off our +course. +</p> + +<p class="ind"> +<a name="f14">14.</a> Gyroscopic compass.--ETIENNE. +</p> + +<p> +I heard the voice of the helmsman querulously maintain that he was +steering his course by <i>Anschutz</i>, so I got up and gingerly clawed my +way into the control room, where I found by comparing <i>Anschutz</i> with +magnetic that the former had gone to hell, the reason being obvious, as +the stabilizer was exerting a strongly biased torque. I stopped the +<i>Anschutz</i> and asked the pilot to give the helmsman a steady by +magnetic. +</p> + +<p> +As we staggered back to our course I heard a thud in the wardroom, and +on returning to my settee found that Alten had rolled out of his bunk, +where he was lying in a drunken stupor, and that he was face downwards, +sprawling on the deck, half his face in the broken half of a dirty dish +which had fallen off the table whilst I was having tea. As I couldn't +let the crew see him like this, I was obliged to struggle and get him +back into his bunk. He was like a log and absolutely incapable of +rendering me any assistance, though he did open his eyes and mutter +once or twice as I lifted him up, trunk first and then his legs. He +stank of spirits and I hated touching him. Lord! what a truly hoggish +man he is; yet I cannot help envying him his oblivion to these +surroundings. +</p> + +<hr> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +Arrived in, this afternoon. +</p> + +<p> +Alten quite slept off his drink, and was offensively sarcastic as I +worked on the forepart with wires, getting her into the shelters +alongside the mole. +</p> + +<p> +I hastened up to Bruges, and in the Mess heard several items of news +and found two letters. The first, in a well-known handwriting, I opened +eagerly, but received a chill of disappointment when I read its single +line. +</p> + +<p> +"I am here when you want me.--Z." +</p> + +<p> +So she thinks to break my resolution! +</p> + +<p> +No! I am stronger than she, and, now that I know she loves me, I can +and will bend her to my will. Even now, at this distance of time, I can +hardly understand my conduct the other day. I must have been given the +strength of ten. I feel that I could not do it again; had she hesitated +a second longer at the door--well, I can hardly say what I would have +done. +</p> + +<p> +It is my duty to do so, for her sake and my own. But I know my +weakness, and in this fact lies my strength. Cost what it may, I shall +not permit myself to go near her until she yields. +</p> + +<p> +The second letter gave me a great surprise. It was from Rosa. She has +passed some examination, and is coming <i>here</i> of all places as a Red +Cross nurse. She says she is looking forward to going round a U-boat! +She assumes a good deal, I must say, still, I suppose I must be polite +to her; but why the deuce does she sign herself "Yours, Rosa?" She's +not mine, and I don't want her; it seems funny to me that I once +thought of her vaguely in that sort of way. Now, I feel rather +disturbed that she is coming here, though I don't quite see why I +should worry, and yet I wonder if it is a coincidence her coming to +Bruges? +</p> + +<p> +I'm almost inclined to think it isn't. After all, every girl wants to +get married, and without conceit my family, circumstances and, in the +privacy of the pages of this journal I may add, my personal +appearances, are such as would appeal to most girls--except Zoe, +apparently! +</p> + +<p> +I'll have to be on my guard against Miss Rosa. +</p> + +<p> +I heard to-day that I am likely to be appointed to the periscope school +in a few weeks' time, and meanwhile I am to be attached as +supernumerary to the operations division on old Max's staff. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +The work here is most interesting. I feel glad that I am one of the +spiders weaving the web for Britain's destruction. +</p> + +<p> +The impasse with Zoe still continues, and my peace of mind has been +still further disturbed by the actual arrival of Rosa. She rang me up +within twelve hours of her arrival, and, of course, I was obliged to +call. That was the day before yesterday. Rosa is at the No. 3 Hospital +here, and was horribly effusive. Some people would, I suppose, call her +good-looking, but to me, with my mind's-eye in perpetual contemplation +of my darling Zoe, Rosa looked like a turnip. Her first movement after +the preliminary greetings was to offer me a cigarette! I then noticed +that her fingers were stained with nicotine, unpleasant in a man, +disgusting in a woman. +</p> + +<p> +Her nose was shiny and greasy--horrible. After a little talk she +volunteered the statement that yesterday was her afternoon off, and she +was simply longing to have tea in the gardens. +</p> + +<p> +I endeavoured to make some feeble excuse on the grounds of the weather +being unsuitable, but I am no good at these social lies, and I was +eventually obliged to promise to take her there. I was the more annoyed +in that her main object was obviously to be seen walking with a U-boat +officer. +</p> + +<p> +Accordingly, yesterday, I found myself walking about with her at my +side. My feelings can better be imagined than described when I suddenly +saw Zoe, accompanied by Babette, in the distance. I hastily altered +course, and pray she didn't see me. +</p> + +<p> +In the course of the afternoon Rosa had the impertinence to say that at +Frankfurt they were saying that I was interested in a beautiful widow +at Bruges, and could she (Rosa) write and say I was heart-whole, or +else what the girl was like. I'm afraid that I lost my temper a little, +and I told Rosa she could write to all the busybodies at home and tell +them from me to go to the devil. +</p> + +<p> +These women in the home circle, and especially aunts, are always the +same; firstly, they badger one to get married, and then if they think +one is contemplating such a step they are all agog to find out whether +she is suitable! +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Three more boats, two of which are U.C.'s, are overdue. It is +distinctly unpleasant not knowing how or where they go, though the U.B. +boat (Friederich Althofen) made her incoming position the day before +yesterday as off Dungeness, so it looks as if the barrage at Dover +which got Weissman has got Althofen as well. I wonder what new devilry +they have put down there. +</p> + +<p> +How one wishes that in 1914, instead of seeking the capture of Paris, +we had realized the importance of the Channel Ports to England, and +struck for them! +</p> + +<p> +It would not have been necessary to strike even in September, 1914. We +could have walked into them. Dunkirk, at all events, should have been +ours; however, we must do the best with things as they are, not that I +would consider it too late even now to make a big push for the French +coast. +</p> + +<p> +It would seem, as a matter of fact, that all the pushing is to be at +the other end of the line, in the Verdun sector, from the rumours I +hear, though I should have thought once bitten twice shy in that +quarter. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Saw Zoe again in the distance, and I think she saw me; at all events +she turned round and walked away. +</p> + +<p> +This girl whom I cannot, and would not if I could, obliterate from my +thoughts, is causing me much worry. +</p> + +<p> +She shows no sign of giving in, and I for one intend to be adamant. I +shall defeat her in time. The male intellect is always ultimately +victorious, other things being equal. I was reading Schopenhauer on the +subject last night. What a brain that man had, though I confess his +analysis of the female mentality is so terribly and truthfully cruel +that it jars on certain of my feelings. +</p> + +<p> +Zoe's resolution in this conflict, this sex war one might call it, only +adds to her charm in my eyes; she is, I feel, a worthy mate for me, +both intellectually and physically, and she shall be mine--I have +decided it. +</p> + +<p> +Met Rosa to-day at old Max's house, where I went to pay a duty call. +</p> + +<p> +Her Excellency is as forbidding a specimen of her sex as any I have +ever met. She quite frightened me, and in the home circle the old man +seemed quite subdued. +</p> + +<p> +I escorted Rosa home, and on the way to her hospital she gave me a +great surprise, as after much evasive talk she suddenly came out with +the news that she was engaged to Heinrich Baumer, of U.C.23. I was +quite taken aback, and will frankly confess that not so very long ago I +imagined, evidently erroneously, that she was disposed to let her +affections become engaged in another quarter. However, I was really +very glad to hear this news, and congratulated her with genuine +feeling. +</p> + +<p> +The knowledge that she was a promised woman quite altered my feelings +towards her, and before I quite meant to, I had told her a considerable +amount about Zoe. It gave me much relief to be able to unburden myself, +and confide my difficulties elsewhere than in the pages of this +journal. +</p> + +<p> +I have asked the girl to tea to-morrow. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +A vile air raid last night. British machines, of course. They seemed +determined to get over the town, and from 1 a.m. to 3 a.m. relays of +machines (of which not <i>one</i> was shot down) attacked us. The din was +tremendous, and all sleep was out of the question. +</p> + +<p> +Morning revealed surprisingly little damage, as is often the case in +these big raids, whereas a few bombs from a chance machine often work +havoc. I was down at 50 B.C. aerodrome this morning, and heard that as +soon as the moon suits we are going to make Dunkirk sit up as +retaliation for last night's efforts. There were also rumours of big +attacks impending on London as soon as the new type of Gothas are +delivered. That will shake the smug security of those cursed islanders. +</p> + +<p> +Rosa came to tea, and afterwards I told her more about Zoe, and as I +expect any day to be appointed to the periscope school at Kiel, I asked +Rosa to try and effect an introduction to Zoe, and do what she could +for me. Rosa gave me the impression that she was somewhat surprised +that I should have had any difficulty with Zoe (of course I had not +told her of the shooting-box scene). Rosa evidently thinks any woman +ought to be honoured.... +</p> + +<p> +Perhaps I was not so far wrong in my surmises as to Rosa's previous +inclinations--I wonder; at any rate she will undoubtedly make Baumer a +good wife, and she will probably be very fruitful and grow still fatter +and housewifely. She is of a type of woman appointed by God in his +foresight as breeders. Zoe, my adorable one, will probably not take +kindly to babies. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +I am ordered to report myself at Kiel by next Monday. +</p> + +<p> +I am terribly tempted to ring up Zoe on the telephone before I leave: +it seems dreadful to leave her without a word; but at the same time I +feel that she would interpret this as a sign of weakness on my part--as +indeed it would be. I must be firm, for strength of mind pays with +women, even more than with men. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +<i>At Kiel</i>. +</p> + +<p> +I left Bruges without a word either to or from my obstinate darling. +</p> + +<p> +It is torture being away from her. I had thought that when I was here +and not exposed to the temptation of going round and seeing her, that +it would be easier; it is not. I long to write, and how I wonder +whether she is feeling it as I do. +</p> + +<p> +I have read somewhere that a woman's passion once aroused is more +ungovernable than a man's. That her whole being cries aloud for me +cannot be doubted, and if the above statement is true what +inflexibility of will she must be showing--it almost makes me fear--but +no, I will defeat her in this strange contest, and she shall be my +wife. +</p> + +<p> +The work here is strenuous, and the grass does not grow under one's +feet. The course for commanding officers lasts four weeks, and +terminates in an exceedingly practical but rather fearsome test--i.e., +they have six steamers here camouflaged after the English fashion with +dazzle painting, and these six steamers, protected by launches and +harbour defence craft, steam across Kiel Bay in the manner of a convoy. +The officer being examined has to attack this group of ships in one of +the instructional submarines, and in three attacks he must score at +least two hits, or else, in theory, he is returned to general service +in the Fleet. +</p> + +<p> +Fortunately at the moment I hear that owing to recent losses they are +distinctly on the short side where submarine officers are concerned, so +they'll probably make it easy when I do my test. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +I see I have written nothing here for a fortnight; this is due to two +causes: Firstly, I have been so extraordinarily busy, and, secondly, I +have been most depressed through a letter I received from Fritz. It +contained two items of bad news. +</p> + +<p> +In the first place, I heard for the first time of the tragedy of +Heinrich Baumer's boat, and to my astonishment Fritz tells me that Rosa +and another girl were in her when she was lost! +</p> + +<p> +It appears that she was to go out for a couple of hours' diving off the +port as a matter of routine after her two months' overhaul. She went +out at 10 a.m., and was sighted from the signal station at the end of +the mole at 11.30, when almost immediately afterwards there was an +explosion and she disappeared. Motor-boats were quickly on the scene, +but only debris came to the surface. Divers were sent down, and +reported that she was in ten metres of water completely shattered. It +is assumed, for lack of other explanation, that she struck a chance +drifting mine which was moving down the coast on the tide. +</p> + +<p> +Meanwhile Rosa and another sister were missing from the hospital, and +after forty-eight hours someone put two and two together and started +investigations. It has been ascertained that Baumer motored down from +Bruges after breakfast, and that in the car were two figures taken to +be sailors, as they were muffled up in oilskins. This fact was noted by +the control sentries, as, though the day was showery, it was not +raining hard. Other scraps of evidence unite in showing that these were +the two girls who had apparently induced Baumer to take them out for a +dive as a treat. +</p> + +<p> +What a tragedy! However, it must have been quite instantaneous. Poor +Rosa, with all her vanities about war work, to think that the war would +claim her like that! [<a href="#f15">15</a>] +</p> + +<p class="ind"> +<a name="f15">15.</a> It is known that a boat with women on board was lost +whilst exercising off Zeebrugge in the Spring of 1917. This would +appear to be the boat in question.--ETIENNE. +</p> + +<p> +Fritz added that old Max is almost off his head with rage over the +whole business, and it is difficult to say whether he is more angry +over Baumer and the boat being lost, or over the fact that Baumer being +dead he is unable to administer those "disciplinary actions" in which +he delights. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Great excitement here, as the day after to-morrow His Imperial Majesty +the Kaiser and Hindenburg are due to pay Kiel a surprise visit. We are +to be inspected and addressed. Tremendous preparations are going on. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +His Majesty, accompanied by the great Field-Marshal, inspected us this +morning, and made a fine speech, of which we have been given printed +copies. I shall frame mine and hang it in my boat, if I get a command. +</p> + +<p> +I transcribe it: +</p> + +<p> +"Officers and men of the U-boat service: +</p> + +<p> +"In the midst of the anxious moments in which we live I have determined +to make time to come and witness in my own person the labours of those +on whom I and the Fatherland rely. Fresh from the great battles on the +West which are gnawing at the vitals of our hereditary enemies, I come +to those whose glorious mission it will be to strike relentlessly at +our most deadly and cunning enemy--cursed Britain. God is on our side +and will protect you at sea for, in the striking at the nation which +openly boasts that it aims at starving our women and children, you are +engaged on a mission of undoubted holiness. +</p> + +<p> +"You must sink and destroy even as of old the Israelites smote and +destroyed the alien races. +</p> + +<p> +"To the officers I would particularly say, my person is your honour, +and I am your supreme chief. From my hands you will receive honour, and +from my hands will proceed just punishment for the unhappy ones who +fail in their duty. +</p> + +<p> +"To the men I would say, trust and obey your officers as you would your +God. Officers and men! In you, your Kaiser and Fatherland place their +trust--let neither be disappointed!" +</p> + +<p> +After his address, His Majesty graciously spoke a few words to +individuals, of whom I had the signal honour of being one. I felt that +I was in the presence of an Emperor. His gestures, his eyes, his voice, +impressed me as belonging to a man born to command and to fill high +places. The Field-Marshal never opened his mouth. I understand from his +A.D.C. that he rarely speaks in public. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +The Colonel is KILLED! When I think about it, I am so excited I can +hardly write! +</p> + +<p> +I heard the great news last night, quite by accident. I was sitting in +the Mess after dinner, and picked up <i>Die Woche</i>, and glancing at the +pictures, I suddenly saw the portrait of Colonel Stein, of the +Brandenburgers, killed on the 7th instant near Ypres. I recognized the +ugly and bloated face immediately from the photograph of him which she +had once shown me. +</p> + +<p> +My first impulse was to send her a wire, but, on thinking matters over, +I decided that it would be difficult to put all my thoughts into the +curt sentences of a telegram, and, further, that as all wires are +doubtless examined at the Main Post Office at Bruges, it might lead to +trouble, so I wrote her a letter. +</p> + +<p> +This, in a way, has been an exhibition of weakness on my part, as I had +promised myself that I would not take the first step in reopening +communication; but I feel that the fortunate death of Stein has +completely altered the case. I told her in the letter that I realized +that I had made mistakes, but that if she still loved me with half the +strength that I loved her, then a telegram to me would make me the +happiest of men. +</p> + +<p> +I wrote that yesterday, but have had no wire. Perhaps, like me, she +distrusts telegrams and prefers letters. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +A long letter from Zoe: an accursed letter--an abominable letter--a +damnable letter; she still refuses to marry me. I leave for Bruges +to-night on forty-eight hours' special leave. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +<i>Kiel, 17th.</i> +</p> + +<p> +I hate Zoe, she has broken my heart. +</p> + +<p> +After her preposterous letter of the 14th, I decided that in a matter +which so closely affected my happiness no stone ought to remain +unturned to ensure a satisfactory solution of the problem, so I +determined to have a personal interview. I arrived at Bruges after tea +and went at once to the flat. +</p> + +<p> +I tackled her immediately on the subject of her letter, and told her +that naturally I understood that a decent interval must elapse before +we married; but, granted this fact, I told her that I failed to see +what prevented our marriage. +</p> + +<p> +A most unpleasant and harrowing scene ensued, the details of which form +such painful recollections that I really cannot write them down here, +though in the passage of months I have acquired the habit of writing in +the pages of this journal with the same freedom as I would talk to that +wife whom I had hoped to possess. She maintained an obstinate silence +when I urged her to give me at least some tangible reason as to why she +would not marry me. She contented herself and maddened me by reflecting +in a kind of monotone: "I love you, Karl! and am yours, but I cannot +marry you." +</p> + +<p> +I could have beaten her till she was senseless, but I had enough sense +to realize that with Zoe, whose resolution, considering she is a woman, +amazes me, force is not the best method. As I continued to press her +(time was important: had I not journeyed far to see her?), those +glorious eyes of hers, which I love and whose power I dread, filled +with tears. I was a brute! I was heartless! I was inconsiderate! I +could not love her! I was cruel! And I know not what other accusation +crushed me down. +</p> + +<p> +Broken-hearted and dispirited, I told her to choose there and then. +</p> + +<p> +She collapsed on to a sofa in a storm of tears, and after a severe +mental struggle I took the only possible course, and leaving the +room--left her for ever. I have resumed my service life determined to +cast her out from my mind. +</p> + +<p> +I will not deceive myself: it will be hard. Love and Logic are deadly +enemies, but Logic must and shall prevail. Though I have seen her for +the last time, I cannot escape the net of fascination which the girl +has thrown over me. Perhaps in the course of time I shall slowly emerge +and free myself from its entanglements. At present I hate her for this +blow she has dealt me, and yet, O Zoe! my darling, how I long to be +with you! +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +To-day I went through my final test for qualification as U-boat +commander. +</p> + +<p> +At 9 a.m. I proceeded to sea in command of the U.11, one of the +instructional boats here. We proceeded out into Kiel Bay. On board and +watching my every movement was a committee consisting of a commander +and two lieutenant-commanders. +</p> + +<p> +On arrival at the entrance lightship, I was ordered to attack a convoy +of camouflaged ships which were just visible about fifteen kilometres +away off the Spit Bank. I had a very shrewd idea as to the course they +would steer, and on coming up for my final observation I found myself +in an excellent position, 1,000 metres on the bow of the leading ship. +The rest was easy. I gave the leader the two bow torpedoes, and, +turning sixteen points, fired my stern tube at the third ship of the +line. Two hits were obtained, and I returned to harbour well pleased +with myself. There is not the slightest chance of having failed to +qualify. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +My confidence in myself was not misplaced; I heard to-day that I am on +the command list, and anticipate in a few days being appointed to a +boat. I wonder which craft I shall get? +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +I met the A.D.C. to the Chief of the Staff at the school, at the +gardens, and in conversation with him discovered that he had heard that +three boats were being detached from the Flanders flotilla for an +unknown destination. This has given me an idea, for I feel that I can +never return to Bruges, and I was rather dreading being appointed to +one of the boats there. I have dropped a line to Fritz Regels, who is +on old Max's staff, and told him that I do not wish to return to +Bruges, and I further hinted that I understood a detached squadron was +proceeding somewhere, and, as far as I was concerned, the further the +better, if I could get into it. +</p> + +<p> +I have tried the night life at this place at the Mascotte and +Trocadero, [<a href="#f16">16</a>] in order to forget, but it is a poor consolation. +</p> + +<p class="ind"> +<a name="f16">16.</a> Two well-known cabarets at Kiel.--ETIENNE. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +A letter from Fritz, saying that he has an idea that Korting's boat +would suit me, though he could not of course give me further details in +a letter; however, he informs me positively that I shall not be at +Bruges. +</p> + +<p> +On the strength of this I have wired to Fritz, and asked him to try and +fix up an exchange between me and Korting, provided the latter is +agreeable and the people in Max's office have no objection. I have a +recollection that Korting's boat is one of the U.40--U.60 class, which +would suit me admirably, and, as for destination, I care not where it +is, provided only that it be far from Bruges. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +<i>At sea</i>. + +</p> + +<p> +I have quite neglected my poor old journal for several weeks. But I +have passed through an extraordinarily busy period. +</p> + +<p> +It was approved that I should relieve Korting, whose boat, the U.59, I +discovered to be refitting at Wilhelmshaven. I was very pleased not to +go back to Bruges, though as we steam steadily north at this moment I +cannot escape a sense of deep disappointment that upon my return from +this trip I shall not enjoy as of old the fascination of Zoe. But I +shall have plenty of time to get accustomed to this idea, for this is +no ordinary trip. +</p> + +<p> +We are bound for the North Cape and Murman Coast, where we remain until +well into the cold weather--at any rate, for three months. +</p> + +<p> +Our mission is to work off that fogbound and desolate coast, and attack +the constant stream of traffic between England and Archangel. There are +two other boats besides ourselves on the job, but we shall all be +working far apart. +</p> + +<p> +Our first billet is off the North Cape. In order to save time, we are +to be provisioned once a month in one of the fjords. I don't imagine +the Admiralty will have any difficulty in getting supplies up to us, as +at the moment we are off the Lofotens, and we actually have not had to +dive since we left the Bight! +</p> + +<p> +There seems to be nothing on the sea except ourselves. Where is the +much vaunted and impenetrable web of blockade which the English are +supposed to have spread around us? And yet many raw materials are +getting very short with us. I see that in this boat they have replaced +several copper pipes with steel ones during her refit, and this will +lead to trouble unless we are careful--steel pipes corrode so badly +that I never feel ready to trust them for pressure work. +</p> + +<p> +The truth about the blockade is that it is largely a paper blockade, +yet not ineffective for all that. Unfortunately for us, the damned +English and their hangers-on control the cables of the world, and hence +all the markets, and I don't suppose, to take the case of copper, that +a single pound of it is mined from the Rio Tinto without the British +Board of Trade knowing all about it. The neutral firms simply dare not +risk getting put on to the British Black List; it means ruination for +them. And then all these dollar-grabbing Yankees, enjoying all the +advantages of war without any of its dangers--they make me sick. +</p> + +<p> +This seems a most profitable job. I have only been up seven days, but +I've bagged four steamers, all by gun-fire, and all fat ships, brimful +of stuff for the Russians. My practice has been to make the North Cape +every day or two to fix position, as the currents are the most abnormal +in these parts, and I should say that the "Sailing Directions Pilotage +Handbook" and "Tidal Charts" were compiled by a gentleman at a desk who +had never visited these latitudes. +</p> + +<p> +At the moment I am standing well out to sea, as the immediate vicinity +of the North Cape has become rather unhealthy. +</p> + +<p> +Yesterday afternoon (I had sunk number four in the morning, and the +crew were still pulling for the coast) four British trawlers turned up. +These damned little craft seem to turn up wherever one goes. I longed +to have a bang at them with my gun, but, apart from the uncertainty as +to what they carried in the way of armament, I have strict orders to +avoid all that sort of thing, so I dived and steamed slowly west, came +up at dusk and proceeded to charge up my batteries. +</p> + +<p> +These U.60's are excellent boats, and I am very lucky to get one so +soon. I suppose Korting, being a married man, wants to stay near his +wife. I cannot write that word without painful memories of Zoe and idle +thoughts of what might have been. Well, perhaps it is for the best. I +am not sure that a member of the U-boat service has the right to get +married in war-time, for unless he is of exceptional mentality it must +affect his outlook under certain circumstances, though I think I should +have been an exception here. Then the anxiety to the woman must be +enormous; as every trip comes round a voice must cry within her, this +may be the last. The contrast between the times in harbour and the +trips is so violent, so shattering and clear cut. +</p> + +<p> +With a soldier's wife, she merely knows that he is at the front; with +us, at 8 p.m. one may be kissing one's wife in Bruges, and at 6 a.m. +creeping with nerves on edge through the unknown dangers of the Dover +Barrage--but I have strayed from what I meant to write about--my first +command and her crew. +</p> + +<p> +The quarters in this class are immensely superior to the U.C.-boats. +Here I have a little cabin to myself, with a knee-hole table in it. My +First Lieutenant, the Navigator and the Engineer have bunks in a room +together, and then we have a small officers' mess. +</p> + +<p> +On this job up here, as we are not to return to Germany for supplies, +and, consequently, I should say we may have to live on what we can get +out of steamers, I don't propose to use my torpedoes unless I meet a +warship or an exceptionally large steamer. +</p> + +<p> +The gun's the thing, as Arnauld de la Perrière has proved in the +Mediterranean; but half the fellows won't follow his example, simply +because they don't realize that it's no use employing the gun unless it +is used accurately, and good shooting only comes after long drill. +</p> + +<p> +I have impressed this fact on my gun crew, and particularly the two +gun-layers, and I make Voigtman (my young First Lieutenant) take the +crew through their loading drill twice a day, together with practice of +rapid manning of the gun after a "surface" or rapid abandonment of the +gun should the diving alarms sound in the middle of practice. I have +also impressed on Voigtman that I consider that he is the gun control +officer, and that I expect him to make the efficient working of the gun +his main consideration. +</p> + +<p> +As regards the crew, they are the usual mixed crowd that one gets +nowadays: half of them are old sailors, the others recruits and new +arrivals from the Fleet. My main business at the moment is to get the +youngsters into shape, and for this purpose I have been doing a number +of crash dives. It also gives me an opportunity of getting used to the +boat's peculiarities under water. She seems to have a tendency to +become tail-heavy, but this may be due to bad trimming. +</p> + +<p> +Voigtman has been in U.B.43 for nine months, and seems a capable +officer. Socially, I don't think he can boast of much descent, but he +has no airs, and treats me with pleasing respect, apart from service +considerations. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +A very awkward accident took place this morning, which resulted in +severe injury to Johann Wiener, my second coxswain. +</p> + +<p> +A party of men under his direction were engaged in shifting the stern +torpedo from its tube, in order to replace it with a spare torpedo, as +I never allow any of my torpedoes to stay in the tube for more than a +week at a time owing to corrosion. The torpedo which had been in the +tube had been launched back and was on the floor plates. +</p> + +<p> +The spare torpedo, destined for the vacant tube, was hanging overhead, +when without any warning the hook on the lifting band fractured, and +the 1,000 kilogrammes' mass of metal crashed down. +</p> + +<p> +Wonderful to relate, no one was killed, but two men were badly bruised, +and Wiener has been very seriously injured. He was standing astride the +spare torpedo, and his right leg was extremely badly crushed, mostly +below the knee. +</p> + +<p> +Unfortunately it took about ten minutes to release him from his +position of terrible agony. I should have expected him to faint, but he +did not. His face went dead white, and he began to sweat freely, but +otherwise endured his ordeal with praiseworthy fortitude. +</p> + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/201.jpg"><img src="images/201th.jpg" alt="The 1,000 kilogrammes of metal crashed down"></a> +</p> + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/202a.jpg"><img src="images/202tha.jpg" alt="Good-bye! Steer west for America!"></a> +</p> + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/202b.jpg"><img src="images/202thb.jpg" alt="It is a snug anchorage and here I intend to remain."></a> +</p> + +<p> +I am now confronted with a perplexing situation. I cannot take him back +to Germany; I cannot even leave my station and proceed south to any of +the Norwegian ports. If I could find a neutral steamer with a doctor on +board, I would tranship him to her; but the chances of this God-send +materializing are a thousand to one in these latitudes. If I sighted a +hospital ship I would close her, but as far as I know at present there +are no hospital ships running up here. The chances of outside +assistance may therefore be reckoned as nil. Wiener's hope of life +depends on me, and I cannot make up my mind to take the step which +sooner or later must be taken--that is to say, amputation. +</p> + +<p> +It is a curious fact, but true, nevertheless, that although, as a +result of the war, men's lives, considered in quantity, seem of little +importance, when it comes to the individual case, a personal contact, a +man's life assumes all its pre-war importance. +</p> + +<p> +I feel acutely my responsibility in this matter. I see from his papers +that he is a married man with a family; this seems to make it worse. I +feel that a whole chain of people depend on me. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Since I wrote the above words this morning, Wiener has taken a decided +turn for the worse. +</p> + +<p> +I have been reading the "Medical Handbook," with reference to the +remarks on amputation, gangrene, etc., and I have also been examining +his leg. The poor devil is in great pain, and there is no doubt that +mortification has set in, as was indeed inevitable. I have decided that +he must have his last chance, and that at 8 p.m. to-night I will +endeavour to amputate. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +<i>Midnight</i>. +</p> + +<p> +I have done it--only partially successful. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Last night, in accordance with my decision, I operated on Wiener. +Voigtman assisted me. It was a terrible business, but I think it +desirable to record the details whilst they are fresh in my memory, as +a Court of Inquiry may be held later on. Voigtman and I spent the whole +afternoon in the study of such meagre details on the subject as are +available in the "Medical Handbook." We selected our knives and a saw +and sterilized them; we also disinfected our hands. +</p> + +<p> +At 7.45 I dived the boat to sixty metres, at which depth the boat was +steady. We had done our best with the wardroom-table, and upon this the +patient was placed. I decided to amputate about four inches above the +knee, where the flesh still seemed sound. I considered it impracticable +to administer an anaesthetic, owing to my absolute inexperience in this +matter. +</p> + +<p> +Three men held the patient down, as with a firm incision I began the +work. The sawing through the bone was an agonizing procedure, and I +needed all my resolution to complete the task. Up to this stage all had +gone as well as could be expected, when I suddenly went through the +last piece of bone and cut deep into the flesh on the other side. An +instantaneous gush of blood took place, and I realized that I had +unexpectedly severed the popliteal artery, before Voigtman, who was +tying the veins, was ready to deal with it. +</p> + +<p> +I endeavoured to staunch the deadly flow by nipping the vein between my +thumb and forefinger, whilst Voigtman hastily tried to tie it. Thinking +it was tied, I released it, and alas! the flow at once started again; +once more I seized the vein, and once again Voigtman tried to tie it. +Useless--we could not stop the blood. He would undoubtedly have bled to +death before our eyes, had not Voigtman cauterized the place with an +electric soldering-iron which was handy. +</p> + +<p> +Much shaken, I completed the amputation, and we dressed the stump as +well as we could. +</p> + +<p> +At the moment of writing he is still alive, but as white as snow; he +must have lost litres of blood through that artery. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +9 <i>p.m.</i> +</p> + +<p> +Wiener died two hours ago. I should say the immediate cause of death +was shock and loss of blood. I did my best. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +We have been out on this extended patrol area seven days, but not a +wisp of smoke greets our eyes. +</p> + +<p> +Nothing but sea, sea, sea. Oh, how monotonous it is! I cannot make out +where the shipping has got to. Tomorrow I am going to close the North +Cape again. I think everything must be going inside me. I am too far +out here. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +The North Cape bears due east. Nothing afloat in sight. Where the devil +can all the shipping be? In ten days' time I am due to meet my supply +ship; meanwhile I think I'll have to take another cast out, of three +hundred miles or so. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Nothing in sight, nothing, nothing. +</p> + +<p> +The barometer falling fast and we are in for a gale. I have decided to +make the coast again, as I don't want to fail to turn up punctually at +the rendezvous. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +In the Standarak-Landholm Fjord--thank heavens. +</p> + +<p> +Heavens! we have had a time. We were still two hundred and fifty miles +from the coast when we were caught by the gale. And a gale up here is a +gale, and no second thoughts about it. To say it blew with the force of +ten thousand devils is to understate the case. The sea came on to us in +huge foaming rollers like waves of attacking infantry intent on +overwhelming us. +</p> + +<p> +We struggled east at about three knots. But she stuck it magnificently. +Low scudding clouds obscured the sky and came like a procession of +ghosts from the north-east. Sun observations were impossible for two +reasons. Firstly, no one could get on deck; secondly, there was no +visible sun. This lasted for three days, at the end of which time we +had only the vaguest idea as to where we were. +</p> + +<p> +The gale then blew out, but, contrary to all expectations, was +succeeded by a most abominable fog, thick and white like cotton-wool. +These were hardly ideal conditions under which to close a rocky and +unknown coast, but it had to be done. The trouble was that it was +entirely useless taking soundings, as the twenty-metre depth-line on +the chart went right up to the land. We crept slowly eastwards, till, +when by dead reckoning we were ten miles inside the coast, the +Navigator accidentally leant on the whistle lever; this action on his +part probably saved the ship, as an immediate echo answered the blast. +In an instant we were going full-speed astern. We altered course +sixteen points and proceeded ten miles westerly, where we lay on and +off the coast all night, cursing the fog. +</p> + +<p> +Next day it lifted, and we spent the whole time trying to find the +entrance to the S. Landholm Fjord. The coast appeared to bear no +resemblance to the chart whatsoever. +</p> + +<p> +The cliffs stand up to a height of several hundred metres, with +occasional clefts where a stream runs down. There are no trees, houses, +animals, or any signs of life, except sea birds, of which there are +myriads. The Engineer declares he saw a reindeer, but five other people +on deck failed to see any signs of the beast. +</p> + +<p> +After hours of nosing about, during which my heart was in my mouth, as +I quite expected to fetch up on a pinnacle rock, items which are +officially described in the Handbook as being "very numerous," we +rounded a bluff and got into a place which seems to answer the +description of S. Landholm. At any rate, it is a snug anchorage, and +here I intend to remain for a few days, and hope for my store-ship to +turn up. +</p> + +<p> +I've posted a daylight look-out on top of the bluff; it would be very +awkward to be caught unawares in this place, which is only about 150 +metres wide in places. +</p> + +<p> +I'm taking advantage of the rest to give the crew some exercises and +execute various minor repairs to the Diesels. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Yesterday we fought what must be one of the most remarkable single-ship +actions of the war. +</p> + +<p> +At 9 a.m. the look-out on the cliffs reported smoke to the northward. +</p> + +<p> +I got the anchor up and made ready to push off, but still kept the +look-out ashore. At 9.30 he reported a destroyer in sight, which seemed +serious if she chose to look into my particular nook. +</p> + +<p> +At any rate, I thought, I wouldn't be caught like a rat, so I got my +look-out on board--a matter of ten minutes--and then proceeded out, +trimmed down and ready for diving. +</p> + +<p> +When I drew clear of the entrance I saw the enemy distant about a +thousand metres. I at once recognized her as being one of the oldest +type of Russian torpedo boats afloat. When I established this fact, a + +devil entered into my mind, and did a most foolhardy act. +</p> + +<p> +I decided that I would not retreat beneath the sea, but that I would +fight her as one service ship to another. +</p> + +<p> +When I make up my mind, I do so in no uncertain manner--indecision is +abhorrent to me--and I sharply ordered, "Gun's Crew--Action." +</p> + +<p> +I can still see the comical look of wonderment which passed over my +First Lieutenant's face, but he knows me, and did not hesitate an +instant. We drilled like a battleship, and in sixty-five seconds--I +timed it as a matter of interest--from my order we fired the first +shot. It fell short. +</p> + +<p> +Extraordinary to relate, the torpedo boat, without firing a gun, put +her helm hard over, and started to steam away at her full speed, which +I suppose was about seventeen knots. +</p> + +<p> +I actually began to chase her--a submarine chasing a torpedo boat! It +was ludicrous. +</p> + +<p> +With broad smiles on their faces, my good gun's crew rapidly fired the +gun, and we had the satisfaction of striking her once, near her after +funnel, but it did no vital damage, as a few minutes afterwards she +drew out of range! What a pack of incompetent cowards! +</p> + +<p> +They never fired a shot at us. I suppose half of them were drunk or +else in a state of semi-mutiny, for one hears strange tales of affairs +in Russia these days. +</p> + +<p> +The whole incident was quite humorous, but I realized that I had hardly +been wise, as without doubt the English will hear of this, and these +trawlers of theirs will turn up, and I'm certainly not going to try any +heroics with John Bull, who is as tough a fighter as we are. +</p> + +<p> +Meanwhile, what of the supply ship, for I'm supposed to meet her here, +and it's already twenty-four hours since yesterday's epoch-making +battle and I expect the English any moment. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +My doubts were removed for me since I received special orders at noon +by high-power wireless from Nordreich, and on decoding them found that, +for some reason or other, we are ordered to proceed to Muckle Flugga +Cape, and thence down the coast of Shetlands to the Fair Island +Channel, where we are directed to cruise till further orders. Special +warning is included as to encountering friendly submarines. +</p> + +<p> +It appears to me that a special concentration of U-boats is being +ordered round about the Orkneys, and that some big scheme is on hand. +</p> + +<p> +We are now steering south-westerly to make Muckle Flugga, which I hope +to do in four days' time if the weather holds. +</p> + +<p> +These Northern waters have proved very barren of shipping in the last +few weeks, and this fact, coupled with the approaching winter weather, +which must be fiendish in these latitudes, makes me quite ready to +exchange the Archangel billet for the work round the Orkneys and +Shetlands, though this is damnable enough in the winter, in all +conscience. +</p> + +<p> +There is only one fly in the ointment, and that is that this premature +return to North Sea waters might conceivably mean a visit to Zeebrugge, +though this class are not likely to be sent there. +</p> + +<p> +Though it is many weeks since I left Zoe, I have not been able to +forget her. I continually wonder what she is doing, and often when I am +not on my guard she wanders into my thoughts. +</p> + +<p> +Whilst I am up here, it does not matter much, except that it causes me +unhappiness, but if I found myself at Bruges it would be very hard. +However, I don't suppose I shall ever see her again. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Sighted Muckle Flugga this morning, and shaped course for Fair Island. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Oh! what a hell I have passed through. I can hardly realize that I am +alive, but I am, though whether I shall be to-morrow morning is +doubtful--it all depends on the weather, and who would willingly stake +their life on North Sea weather at this time of the year? +</p> + +<p> +Curses on the man who sent us to the Fair Island Channel. Where the +devil is our Intelligence Service? If we make Flanders I have a story +to tell that will open their eyes, blind bats that they are, +luxuriating in the comfort of their fat staff jobs ashore. +</p> + +<p> +The Fair Island Channel is an English death-trap; it stinks with death. +By cursed luck we arrived there just as the English were trying one of +their new devices, and it is the devil. Exactly what the system is, I +don't quite know, and I hope never again to have to investigate it. +</p> + +<p> +For forty-seven, hours we have been hunted like a rat, and now, with +the pressure hull leaking in three places, and the boat half full of +chlorine, we are struggling back on the surface, practically incapable +of diving at least for more than ten minutes at a time. Even on the +surface, with all the fans working, one must wear a gas mask to +penetrate the fore compartment. Oh! these English, what devils they +are! +</p> + +<p> +Here is what happened: +</p> + +<p> +Fair Island was away on our port beam when we sighted a large English +trawler, which I suspected of being a patrol. To be on the safe side, I +dived and proceeded at twenty metres for about an hour. +</p> + +<p> +At 5 p.m. (approximately) I came up to periscope depth to have a look +round, but quickly dived again as I discovered a trawler, steering on +the same course as myself, about a thousand metres astern of me. This +was the more disconcerting, as in the short time at my disposal it +seemed to me that she was remarkably similar to the craft I had seen in +the afternoon, and yet this hardly seemed likely, as I did not think +she could have sighted me then. +</p> + +<p> +On diving, I altered course ninety degrees, and proceeded for half an +hour at full speed, then altered another ninety degrees, in the same +direction as the previous alteration, and diving to thirty metres I +proceeded at dead slow. By midnight I had been diving so much that I +decided to get a charge on the batteries before dawn; I also wanted to +be up at 1 a.m. to make my position report. +</p> + +<p> +I surfaced after a good look round through the right periscope, which, +as usual, revealed nothing. I had hardly got on the bridge, when a +flash of flame stabbed the night on the starboard beam and a shell +moaned just overhead. +</p> + +<p> +I crash-dived at once, but could not get under before the enemy fired a +second shot at us, which fortunately missed us. As we dived I ordered +the helm hard a starboard, to counteract the expected depth-charge +attack. We must have been a hundred and fifty metres from the first +charge and a little below it, five others followed in rapid succession, +but were further away, and we suffered no damage beyond a couple of +broken lights. The situation was now extremely unpleasant. I did not +dare venture to the surface, and thus missed my 1 a.m. signal from +Headquarters. I wanted a charge badly, and so proceeded at the lowest +possible speed. At regular intervals our enemy dropped one depth-charge +somewhere astern of us, but these reports always seemed the same +distance away. +</p> + +<p> +At dawn I very cautiously came up to periscope depth, and had a look. +To my consternation I discovered our relentless pursuer about 1,500 +metres away on the port quarter. In some extraordinary manner he had +tracked us during the night. +</p> + +<p> +I dived and altered course through ninety degrees to south. +</p> + +<p> +At 9 a.m. a tremendous explosion shook the boat from stem to stern, +smashing several lights, and giving her a big inclination up by the +bow. +</p> + +<p> +As I was only at twenty metres I feared the boat would break surface, +and our enemy was evidently very nearly right over us. I at once +ordered hard to dive, and went down to the great depth of ninety-five +metres. +</p> + +<p> +A series of shattering explosions somewhere above us showed that we +were marked down, and we were only saved from destruction by our great +depth, the English charges being set apparently to about thirty metres. +</p> + +<p> +At noon the situation was critical in the extreme. My battery density +was down to 1,150, the few lamps that I had burning were glowing with a +faint, dull red appearance, which eloquently told of the falling +voltage and the dying struggles of the battery. +</p> + +<p> +The motors with all fields out were just going round. The faces of the +crew, pallid with exhaustion, seemed of an ivory whiteness in the dusky +gloom of the boat, which never resembled a gigantic and fantastically +ornamental coffin so closely as she did at that time. +</p> + +<p> +The air was fetid. I struck a match; it went out in my fingers. The +slightest effort was an agony. I bent down to take off my sea-boots, +and cold sweat dropped off my forehead, and my pulse rose with a kind +of jerk to a rapid beating, like a hammer. +</p> + +<p> +I left one sea-boot on. +</p> + +<p> +At 1 p.m. a deputation of the crew came aft, and in whispered voices +implored me to surface the boat and make a last effort on the surface. +A muffled report, as our implacable enemy dropped a depth-charge +somewhere astern of us, added point to the conversation, and showed me +that our appearance on the surface could have but one end. +</p> + +<p> +At 3 p.m. the second coxswain, who was working the hydroplanes, fell +off his stool in a dead faint. +</p> + +<p> +At 3.30 p.m. the supreme crisis was reached: two more men fainted, and +I realized that if I did not surface at once I might find the crew +incapable of starting the Diesels. +</p> + +<p> +At the order "Surface," a feeble cheer came from the men. +</p> + +<p> +We surfaced, and I dragged myself-up to the conning tower. Luckily we +started the Diesels with ease, and in a few minutes gusts of beautiful +air were circulating through the boat. +</p> + +<p> +Meanwhile, what of the enemy? I had half expected a shell as soon as we +came up, and it was with great anxiety that I looked round. We had been +slightly favoured by fortune in that the only thing in sight was a +trawler away on the port beam. It was our hunter. +</p> + +<p> +I trimmed right down, hoping to avoid being seen, as it was essential +to stay on the surface and get some amperes into the battery. I also +altered course away from him. +</p> + +<p> +It was about 5 p.m. that I saw two trawlers ahead, one on each bow. By +this time the boat's crew had quite recovered, but I did not wish to +dive, as the battery was still pitiably low. I gradually altered course +to north-east, but after half an hour's run I almost ran on top of a +group of patrols in the dusk. +</p> + +<p> +I crash-dived, and they must have seen me go down, as a few minutes +later the boat was violently shaken by a depth-charge. +</p> + +<p> +We were at twenty metres, still diving at the time. I consulted the +chart, but could find no bottoming ground within fifty miles, a +distance which was quite beyond my powers. +</p> + +<p> +At 11 p.m. I simply had to come up again and get a charge on the +batteries. +</p> + +<p> +From 7 p.m. to 10 p.m., at regular half-hourly intervals, a +depth-charge had gone off somewhere within a radius of two miles of me. +Needless to say, I was only crawling along at about one knot and +altering course frequently. What was so terrible was the patent fact +that the patrols in this area had evidently got some device which +enabled them to keep in continual touch with me to a certain extent. +</p> + +<p> +These monotonous and regular depth-charges seemed to say: "We know, Oh! +U-boat, that we are somewhere near you, and here is a depth-charge just +to tell you that we haven't lost you yet." [<a href="#f17">17</a>] +</p> + +<p class="ind"> +<a name="f17">17.</a> Karl was quite right; it is evident that he had the +misfortune to encounter one of our new hydrophone-hunting groups, just +started In the Fair Island Channel. The incident of the depth-charges +every half-hour was known as "Tickling up." Probably the patrol only +heard faint noises from him.--ETIENNE. +</p> + +<p> +As an hour had elapsed since the last depth-charge, I felt fairly happy +at coming up, and on making the surface I was delighted to find a +pitch-black night and a considerable sea. From 10 p.m. to 1 a.m. I +actually had three hours of peace, and in this period I managed to cram +a considerable amount of stuff into the batteries. The densities were +rising nicely and all seemed well, when I did what I now see was a very +foolish thing. +</p> + +<p> +I made my 1 a.m. wireless report to Nordreich, in which I requested +orders at 3 a.m. and reported my position, together with the fact that +I had been badly hunted. +</p> + +<p> +In twenty-five minutes they were on me again! I had most idiotically +assumed that the English had no directional wireless in these parts. +They have. They've got everything that they have ever tried up there; +it was concentrated in that infernal Fair Island Channel. +</p> + +<p> +I was only saved by seeing a destroyer coming straight at me, +silhouetted against, the low-lying crescent of a new moon. When I dived +she was about six hundred metres away. As I have confessed to doing a +foolish thing, I give myself the pleasure of recording a cleverer move +on my part. I anticipated depth-charge attack as a matter of course, +but instead of going down to twenty-five metres, I kept her at twelve. +</p> + +<p> +The depth-charges came all right, seven smashing explosions, but, as I +had calculated, they were set to go off at about thirty metres, and so +were well below me. +</p> + +<p> +The boat was thrown bodily up by one, and I think the top of the +conning tower must have broken surface, but there was little danger of +this being seen in the prevailing water conditions. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +I have just had to stop recording my experiences of the past +forty-eight hours, as the Navigator, who is on watch, sent down a +message to say that smoke was in sight. +</p> + +<p> +The next hour was full of anxiety, but by hauling off to port we +managed to lose it. I then had a little food, and I will now conclude +my account before trying again to get some sleep. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +<i>The account continued.</i> +</p> + +<p> +All my hopes of getting up again that night, both for the purpose of +charging and of getting the 3 a.m. signal, were doomed to be +disappointed, as the hydrophone operator kept on reporting the noise of +destroyers overhead. Occasional distant thuds seemed to indicate a +never-ending supply of depth-charges, but they were about four or five +miles from me. Perhaps some other unfortunate devil was going through +the fires of hell. +</p> + +<p> +At daylight on the second day my position was still miserable. The +battery was getting low again, the sea had gone down, and when I put my +periscope up at 9 a.m. the horizon seemed to be ringed with patrols. I +felt as if I was in an invisible net, and though I endeavoured to +conceal my apprehension from the crew, I could see from the listless +way they went about their duties that they realized that once again we +were near the end of our resources. +</p> + +<p> +All the forenoon we crept along at thirty metres, until the tension was +broken at 1 p.m. by a furious depth-charge attack. In some +extraordinary way they had located me again and closed in upon me. The +first charges were some little distance off, and as they got closer a +feeling of desperation overcame me, and I seriously contemplated ending +the agony by surfacing and fighting to the last with my gun. +</p> + +<p> +Curiously enough, the procedure that I adopted was the exact opposite. +I decided to dive deep. I went down to 114 metres. At this exceptional +depth, three rivets in the pressure hull began to leak, and jets of +water with the rigidity of bars of iron shot into the boat. I held on +for five minutes, which was sufficient to save me from the depth-charge +attack, though two which went off almost above me broke some lamps. I +then came up to twenty metres and slowly crawled on. Throughout the +long afternoon, though we were not directly attacked again, I heard +depth-charges on several occasions sufficiently close to me to +demonstrate that these implacable and tireless devils had an idea of +the area I was in. +</p> + +<p> +By a supreme effort, working one motor at the only speed it would go, +viz., "Dead slow," I managed to squeeze out the battery until I +estimated it must be dusk. +</p> + +<p> +There was only one thing to do--I surfaced. It was not as dark as I had +hoped, and I saw a fairly large sloop-like vessel, about eight thousand +metres away, on the port beam. She must have seen me simultaneously, as +the flash of a gun darted from her, the shell falling short. +</p> + +<p> +I couldn't dive; there seemed only one thing to do: fight and then die. +I ordered the gun's crew up, and the unequal duel began. We were going +full speed on the Diesels, and my course was east by north. A good deal +of water and spray was flying over the gun, and my crew had little hope +of doing much accurate shooting, but I have often found that when one +is being fired at there is nothing so comforting as the sound of one's +own gun. +</p> + +<p> +Our enemy was armed with two large guns, fifteen centimetres or over, +but had no speed, a discovery which raised my hopes again. It was soon +evident that, provided we were not heading for another patrol, if we +could survive ten minutes' shelling, we should be saved for the time +being by the fading light, which was evidently causing our enemy +increasing difficulties, as his shots alternated between very short and +very much over. +</p> + +<p> +I was actually congratulating the Navigator on our escape, and I had +just told the gun's crew to cease firing at the blurred outlines on the +port quarter from which the random shells still came, when there was a +sheet of yellow flame and a jar which threw me against the signalman. +The latter had been standing near the conning-tower hatch, and +unfortunately I knocked him off his balance, and he fell with a thud +into the upper conning tower. He had the good fortune to escape with a +couple of ribs broken, but when I recovered myself and got to my feet, +far worse consequences met my eyes. +</p> + +<p> +By the worst of ill-luck, a shell which must have been fired +practically at random had hit the gun just below the port trunnion. +</p> + +<p> +The result of the explosion was very severe. Four of the seven men at +the gun had been blown overboard, the breech worker was uninjured, +though from the way he swayed about it was evident that he was dazed, +and I expected to see him fall over the side at any moment. The +remaining two men were as dead as horse-flesh. +</p> + +<p> +The material damage was even more serious. The gun had been practically +thrown out of its cradle, but in the main the trunnion blocks had held +firm, and the whole pedestal had been carried over to starboard. +</p> + +<p> +The really terrible effects of this injury were not apparent at first +sight, but I soon realized them, for an hour later (we had shaken off +the sloop) I saw red flame on the horizon, which plainly indicated +flaming at the funnel from some destroyer doubtless looking for us at +high speed. +</p> + +<p> +I dived, intending to surface again as soon as possible. With this +intention in my head, I did not go below the upper conning tower. We +had barely got to ten metres, when loud cries from below and the +disquieting noise of rushing water told me that something was wrong. I +blew all tanks, surfaced, left the First Lieutenant on watch and went +below. +</p> + +<p> +There were five centimetres of water on the battery boards, and I +understood at once that we could never dive again. +</p> + +<p> +For the pedestal of the gun, in being forced over, had strained the +longitudinal seam of the pressure hull, to which it is bolted, and a +shower of water had come through as soon as we got under. +</p> + +<p> +It might have been hoped that this was enough, but no! our cup was not +yet full. Chlorine gas suddenly began to fill the fore-end. The salt +water running down into the battery tanks had found acid, and though I +ordered quantities of soda to be put down into the tank, it became, and +still is at the moment of writing, impossible to move forward of the +conning tower without putting on a gas mask and oxygen helmet. So we +are helpless, and at the mercy of any little trawler, or even the +weather. +</p> + +<p> +We have no gun; we cannot dive. The English must know that they have +hit us, and every hour I expect to see the hull of a destroyer climb +over the horizon astern. +</p> + +<p> +We are fortunate in two respects: in that for the time being the +weather seems to promise well, and our Diesels are thoroughly sound. +</p> + +<p> +We are ordered to Zeebrugge--I could have wished elsewhere for many +reasons, but it does not matter, as I cannot believe we are intended to +escape. +</p> + +<p> +I feel I would almost welcome an enemy ship, it would soon be over; but +this uncertainty and anxiety drags on for hour after hour--and now I +cannot sleep, though I haven't slept properly for over seventy hours. I +am so worn out that my body screams for sleep, but it is denied to me, +and so, lest I go mad, I write; it is better to do this, though my eyes +ache and the letters seem to wriggle, than to stand up on the bridge +looking for the smoke of our enemies, or to lie in my bunk and count +the revolutions of the Diesels; thousands of thousands of thudding +beats, one after the other, relentless hammer strokes. +</p> + +<p> +I have endured much. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +<i>NOTE BY ETIENNE</i> +</p> + +<p> +<i>A break occurs in Karl von Schenk's diary at this juncture. Fortunately +the main outlines of the story are preserved owing to Zoe's long +letter, which was in a small packet inside the cover of the second +notebook. Zoe's letter will be reproduced in this book in its proper +chronological position, but in order to save the reader the trouble of +reading the book from the letter back to this point, a brief summary of +what took place is given here. The entries in his diary which follow +the words "I have endured much," are very meagre for a period which +seems to have been about a month in length. There is no further mention +of the latter stages of Karl's passage in the wrecked boat to +Zeebrugge, so it is presumed that he made that port without further +adventure. He was evidently on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and +appears to have been suffering from very severe insomnia. He had been +hunted for two days, during which he was perpetually on the verge of +destruction, and the cumulative effect of such an experience is bound +to leave its mark on the strongest man. When he got back to Zeebrugge +he must have been at the end of his tether, and whether by chance or +design it was when Karl was, as he would have said, "at a low mental +ebb" that Zoe made her last and successful attack upon his resolution +not to see her again unless she consented to marry him. It is plain +from her letter that when he left her after the stormy interview in +which he vowed never to see her again, Zoe did not lose hope. She seems +to have kept herself</i> au courant <i>with his movements, and actually to +have known when he was expected in.</i> +</p> + +<p> +<i>We know that she had many friends amongst the officers, and it is +probable that from one of these she was able to get information about +Karl's movements.</i> +</p> + +<p> +<i>Bruges was probably a hot-bed of U-boat gossip, and, not unlike the +conditions at certain other Naval ports during the war, the ladies were +often too well informed. At any rate it appears that Zoe rushed to see +Karl directly he arrived at Bruges, and found him a mental and physical +wreck, suffering from acute insomnia.</i> +</p> + +<p> +<i>With the impetuous vigour which evidently guided most of her actions, +she took complete charge of Karl, and, as he was due for four days' +leave, she whisked him off to the forest.</i> +</p> + +<p> +<i>Karl may have protested, but was probably in no state to wish to do so. +At her shooting-box in the forest Zoe achieved her desire, and the +stubborn struggle between the lovers ended in victory for the woman. +There is an entry in Karl's diary which may refer to this period; he +simply says, "Slept at last! Oh, what a joy!"</i> +</p> + +<p> +<i>If this entry was written in the forest, it seemed as if Karl had been +unable to sleep until Zoe carried him off to the forest peace of her +shooting-box and surrounded him with the atmosphere of her tender +sympathy.</i> +</p> + +<p> +<i>There is no evidence of the light in which Karl viewed his defeat, +when, having regained his strength, he was able to take stock of the +changed situation. It is reasonable to suppose that his silence upon +this matter in the pages of his diary is evidence that he was ashamed +of what he must have considered a great act of weakness on his part.</i> +</p> + +<p> +<i>At all events he realized that he had crossed the Rubicon and that he +had better acquiesce in the</i> fait accompli. +</p> + +<p> +<i>He seems to have been in harbour for about six weeks, during which he +lived with Zoe, and the lovers enjoyed a brief spell of happiness +before Karl set out on his next trip.</i> +</p> + +<p> +<i>Karl seems to have found those six weeks very pleasant ones, though his +diary merely contains brief references, such as: "A. day in the country +with Z."; "Z. and I went to the Cavalry dance," and other trivial +entries--of his thoughts there is not a word.</i> +</p> + +<p> +<i>About the end of 1917 Karl's boat was repaired, and he left for the +Atlantic; and once more resumed full entries in his diary.</i> +</p> + +<p> +ETIENNE. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +<i>Karl's Diary resumed</i>. +</p> + +<p> +Sailed at 9 p.m. last night, and we are now seventeen miles off Beachy +Head. The Straits of Dover were frightful; the glare of the acetylene +flares on the barrage showed for miles. Seen from a distance it gave me +the impression of the gates of hell, through which we had to pass. +</p> + +<p> +I dived, ten miles away, and went through with the tide at a depth of +forty metres. +</p> + +<p> +Two hours and three quarters of suspense, and at dawn we came up, +having passed safely through the great deathtrap. At the moment there +is nothing in sight, except a little smoke on the horizon. I am going +to dive again till dusk. +</p> + +<p> +2 <i>a.m.</i> +</p> + +<p> +We are thrashing down the Channel with a south-westerly wind right +ahead. My instructions are to work for two days between the Lizard and +Kinsale Head, and then proceed far out in the Atlantic, where the +convoys are supposed to meet the destroyers. +</p> + +<p> +That Fair Island Channel experience was enough for a lifetime. Death, +quick, short and sudden, this I am ready for. But torture, slow, long +and drawn-out, is not in the bargain which in this year of grace every +civilized man and half the savages of the world seem to have had to +make with the god Mars. +</p> + +<p> +As I sit in this steel, cigar-shaped mass of machinery, the question +rings incessantly in my ears: "To what object is all this war directed, +when analysed from the point of view of the individual?" +</p> + +<p> +It does not satisfy any longing of mine. I have not got a lust for +battle: no one who fights has a lust for battle. Editors of newspapers +and people on General +</p> + +<p> +Staffs, possibly also Cabinet Ministers, have lusts for battles, as +long as they arrange the battle and talk about it afterwards--curse +them! +</p> + +<p> +The only thing I want is to be with Zoe. I want to live and spend long +years with her, enjoying life--this life of which I have spent half +already, and now perhaps it will be taken from me by some other man: +some Englishman who doesn't really want to take my life, reckoned as an +individual. +</p> + +<p> +Around me in the darkness are the patrol boats, manned by the +Englishmen who are seeking my life. Seeking it, not to gratify their +private emotions, but because we are all in the whirlpool of War and +cannot escape. +</p> + +<p> +Like an avalanche, it seems to gather strength and speed as it rolls +on, this War of Nations. The world must be mad! I cannot see how it can +ever stop. England will never be defeated at sea. We shall conquer on +land--then what? +</p> + +<p> +An inconclusive peace. +</p> + +<p> +Even if we smash this island Empire and gain the dominion of the world, +how will it advantage me? I can see no way in which I can gain. +</p> + +<p> +It would be said, if any one should read this: <i>Gott</i>! what a selfish +point of view--he thinks only of his personal gain, not of his country. +</p> + +<p> +But, confound it all, I reply, answer me this: +</p> + +<p> +Do I exist for my country, or does my country exist for me? +</p> + +<p> +For example, does man live for the sake of the Church, or was the +Church created for man? +</p> + +<p> +Does not my country exist for my benefit? +</p> + +<p> +Surely it is so. +</p> + +<p> +Then again, I am risking my all, my life; I live in danger, +apprehension and great discomfort; I do all these things, and yet if as +a reasonable man I ponder what advantage I am to gain from all these +sacrifices I am adjudged selfish. +</p> + +<p> +It is all madness; I cannot fathom the meaning of these things. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +In position on the Bristol line of approach, the weather is bad. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +<i>At twenty metres.</i> +</p> + +<p> +Once again Death has stretched forth his bony fingers to catch me by +the throat, and only by a chance have I wriggled free. +</p> + +<p> +Yesterday afternoon at 5 p.m. we sighted a small steamer flying Spanish +colours and steering for Cardiff. The weather was choppy, but not too +bad, and I decided to exercise the gun's crew, though I did not think +there would be much doing, as the Spaniards soon give in. +</p> + +<p> +I opened fire at six thousand metres, and pitched a shell ahead of her +and ran up the signal to heave-to. The wretched little craft paid no +attention, and continued on her lumbering course. I suspected the +presence of an Englishman on her bridge, and determined to hit. +</p> + +<p> +This we did with our sixth shot, and she stopped dead and wallowed in +the trough, with clouds of steam pouring out of her engine-room; we had +evidently got the engine-room. +</p> + +<p> +As we closed her, it was evident that a tremendous panic was taking +place on board. The port sea boat was being launched, but one fall +broke and the occupants fell into the water. My Navigator begged me to +give her another, which I did, and hit her right aft. Two boatloads of +gesticulating individuals now appeared from the shelter of her lee side +and began pulling wildly away from the ship. +</p> + +<p> +The Navigator, whose eyes were dancing with excitement, was very keen +to play with them by spraying the water with machine-gun bullets; but +it seemed to me to be waste of ammunition, and I would not permit it. +</p> + +<p> +Meanwhile we had approached to within about four hundred metres of her +port bow. I was debating whether to accelerate her sinking, when I +noticed that a fire had broken out aft, and I became possessed with a +childish curiosity to see the fire being put out as she sank. It was a +kind of contest between the elements. +</p> + +<p> +As I watched her, I was startled to hear three or four reports from the +region of the fire. +</p> + +<p> +"Ammunition!" shouted the pilot, with wide-opened eyes. +</p> + +<p> +In an instant I pressed the diving alarm as I realized our deadly +peril. Fool that I had been, she was a decoy-ship. They must have +realized on board that I had seen through their disguise, for as we +began to move forward, under the motors, a trap-door near her bows fell +down, the white ensign was broken at the fore, and a 4-inch gun opened +fire from the embrasure that was revealed on her side. +</p> + +<p> +We were fortunate in that our conning tower was already right ahead of +the enemy, and as I dropped down into the conning tower, I saw that as +she could not turn we were safe. +</p> + +<p> +A few shells plunged harmlessly into the water near our stern, and then +we were under. +</p> + +<p> +We came up to a periscope depth, and I surveyed her from a position off +her stern. She was sinking fast, but I felt so furious at being nearly +trapped that I could not resist giving her a torpedo; detonation was +complete, and a mass of wreckage shot into the air as the hull of the +ship disappeared. As to the two boats, I left them to make the best +course to land that they could. +</p> + +<p> +As they were fifty miles off the shore when I left them and it blew +force six a few hours afterwards, I rather think they have joined the +list of "Missing." We are now steering due west to our second position. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Received orders last night to return to base forthwith on the north +about route. [<a href="#f18">18</a>] +</p> + +<p class="ind"> +<a name="f18">18.</a> This means into the North Sea round Scotland.-- +</p> + +<p> +I have shaped course to pass fifty miles north of Muckle Flugga; no +more Fair Island Channel for me. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Statlandlet in sight, with the Norwegian coast looking very lovely +under the snow--we never saw a ship from north of the Shetlands to this +place, when we saw a light cruiser of the town class steaming +south-west at high speed. +</p> + +<p> +She had probably been on patrol off this place, where the Inner and +Outer Leads join up and ships have to leave the three-mile limit. +</p> + +<p> +She was well away from me, and an attack would have been useless. I did +not shed any tears; I have lost much of the fire-eating ideas which +filled my mind when I first joined this service. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +We are due off the mole at 8 p.m. tonight, and my heart leaps with joy +at the thought of seeing my Zoe; already I can almost imagine her +lovely arms round my neck, her face raised to mine, and all the other +wonderful things that make her so glorious in my eyes. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +<i>NOTE BY ETIENNE</i> +</p> + +<p> +Before quoting the next entry in Karl's journal it is necessary to +explain the situation which confronted him when he arrived in +Zeebrugge. In his absence, his beloved Zoe had been arrested as an +Allied Agent, and she was tried for espionage within a day or two of +his arrival. There is no record of how he heard the news, and the blow +he sustained was probably so terrible that whilst there was yet hope he +felt no desire to write; but, as will be seen, there came a time when +he turned to his journal as the last friend that remained to him. It is +a curious fact that, with the exception of an entry at the beginning of +this journal, Karl makes little mention of his mother and home at +Frankfurt. Though he does not say so, it seems possible that his mother +had heard of his entanglement with Zoe, and a barrier had risen between +them; this suggestion gains strength from the fact that in his blackest +moments of despair he never seems to consider the question of turning +to Frankfurt for sympathy. Interest is naturally aroused as to the +details of Zoe's trial. The available material consists solely of the +long letter she wrote to him from Bruges jail. It may be that one day +the German archives of the period of occupation will reveal further +details. Information on the subject is possibly at the disposal of the +British Intelligence Service, but this would be kept secret. All we +know on the matter is derived from the letter, which has been preserved +inside the second volume of Karl's diary. +</p> + +<p> +There seems no doubt that she was caught red-handed, but to say more +would be to anticipate her own words. +</p> + +<p> +It was a matter of some difficulty to know where best to introduce +Zoe's letter, but with a view to securing as much continuity of thought +in the story as possible it has been decided to quote it at this +juncture, although he did not receive it until after he had made the +entry in the journal which will be quoted directly after the letter. +</p> + +<p> +I would like to appeal to any reader who may happen to be engaged in +administrative or reconstructive work in Belgium, to communicate with +me, care of Messrs. Hutchinson, should he handle any papers dealing +with Zoe's trial. +</p> + +<p> +<i>ETIENNE</i>. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +ZOE'S LETTER +</p> + +<p> +MY BEST BELOVED, +</p> + +<p> +When you get this letter cease to sorrow for what will have happened, +for I shall be at rest, and in peace at last, freed from a world in +which I have known bitter sorrow and, until you came into my life, but +little joy. +</p> + +<p> +For these past months I am grateful to God, if such a being exists and +regulates the conduct of a world gone mad. +</p> + +<p> +For in a few hours I am to die. +</p> + +<p> +It is harder for you than for me; one moment of agony I suffered, a +moment that seemed to last a century, when, amidst the sea of faces +that swam in a confused mass before me at the trial, I saw your eyes +and the torture that you were suffering. When I saw your eyes I knew +that the President had said I must die. I am glad that I was told this +by you, the only one amongst all these men who loved me. I suppose the +President spoke; I never heard him, but I saw your eyes and I knew. +</p> + +<p> +My darling, it was cruel of you to come, cruel to me and cruel to +yourself, but I loved you for being there; it showed me that up till +the last you would stand by me, and until you read this you cannot know +all the facts. That to you, as to the others, I must have seemed a +woman spy and that nevertheless you stood by me, is to me a +recollection of unsurpassable sweetness, compared with which all other +thoughts of you fade into insignificance. +</p> + +<p> +Know now, oh, well beloved, that I was not unworthy of your love. +</p> + +<p> +I have a story to tell you, and I have such a little time left that I +must write quickly. The priest who has been with me comes again an hour +before the dawn, and he has promised to deliver these my last words of +love into your hands. +</p> + +<p> +My real name is Zoe Xenia Olga Sbeiliez, and I was born twenty-nine +years ago at my father's country house at Inkovano, near Koniesfol. I +am Polish; at least, my father was, and my mother comes from the Don +country. There was a day when my father's ancestors were Princes in +Poland. Poor Poland was torn by the vultures of Europe, just as your +countrymen, my Karl, are tearing poor Belgium and France, and so my +family lost estates year by year, and my grandfather is buried +somewhere in the dreary steppes of Siberia because he dared to be a +Polish patriot. +</p> + +<p> +My father bowed before the storm, and under my mother's influence he +never became mixed up with politics. Thus he lived on his estates at +Inkovano, and nursed them for my younger brother, Alexandrovitch, the +child of his old age. Alex would be nineteen now, had he lived. The +estates were large as these things go in Western Europe, but they were +but a garden as compared with the lands held by my great-grandfather, +Boris Sbeiliez. +</p> + +<p> +My father had a dream, and he dreamed this dream from the day Alex was +born to the day they both died in each other's arms. +</p> + +<p> +My father dreamt that one day the Tsars would soften their heart to +Poland, and raise her up from the dust to a place amongst the nations, +and my father dreamt that Alexandrovitch Sbeiliez would become a leader +of Poland, as his ancestors had been before him. And so my father +nursed his estates and pinched and saved, in preparation for the day +when his beautiful dream should come true. +</p> + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/251.jpg"><img src="images/251th.jpg" alt="A trapdoor near her bows fell down, the White Ensign was broken at the fore, and a 4-inch gun opened fire from the embrasure that was revealed on her side"></a> +</p> + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/252.jpg"><img src="images/252th.jpg" alt="I sighted two convoys, but there were destroyers there..."></a> +</p> + +<p> +My poor idealistic father never realized, oh, my Karl, that when one +wants a thing one must fight--to the death. Alex was the apple of his +eye, but I was much loved by my mother; perhaps she dreamed a dream +about me--I know not, but she determined that I should have all that +was necessary. Paris, Berlin, Munich, Dresden, and a season in London, +then I came home at twenty-one, perfectly educated according to the +world, beautiful according to men, and dressed according to Paris. But +I was only to find out how little I knew. My mother and I used to take +a house in Warsaw for the season, and I met many notable men and women. +In these days I, also, thought I could do something for Poland, but +after two or three seasons I found that I, too, was only dreaming idle +dreams. Oh! my beloved, beware of dreaming idle dreams. +</p> + +<p> +Listen! I once met the Prime Minister of all Russia at a reception. I +captivated him, and thought, now! now! I shall do something. +</p> + +<p> +I sat next to him at dinner; I talked of Poland--and I knew my +subject--I talked brilliantly; he listened, he hung on my words, and +he, the Prime Minister of all Russia, the Tsar's right-hand man, asked +me to drive with him next day in his sledge. I, an almost unknown +Polish girl! +</p> + +<p> +When I accepted, I was in the seventh heaven of delight. +</p> + +<p> +Next day he called and we set forth; at a deserted spot in the woods +near Warsaw he tried to kiss me--I struck him in the face with the butt +of his own whip. +</p> + +<p> +That was why he had hung on my words, that was why he had taken me for +my drive; it was my Polish body that interested <i>him</i>--not Poland. +</p> + +<p> +The Prime Minister of Russia was confined to his room for two days, +"owing to an indisposition." How I laughed when I saw the bulletin in +the paper, signed by two doctors, but it taught me a lesson; I never +dreamt idle dreams again. +</p> + +<p> +No, I am wrong, my beloved. I dreamt an idle dream, a lovely dream +about you and I. An after-the-war dream, if this war should ever end, +but like other dreams it has ended--in dreams. +</p> + +<p> +But I must hurry, for my little watch tells me that one hour of my five +has gone, and I have much to say. +</p> + +<p> +I could have married, and married brilliantly, but Poland held me back. +I did not know what I could do for my country, it all seemed so +hopeless, and yet I felt that perhaps one day ... and I felt I ought to +be single when that day came. +</p> + +<p> +It was not easy, my Karl, sometimes it was hard; one man there was, +Sergius was his Christian name; he loved me madly, and sometimes I +thought--but no matter, he is dead now, killed at Tannenberg, and +I--well, I will tell you more of my story. +</p> + +<p> +When the war broke out and clouded over that last beautiful summer in +1914 (I wonder will there ever be another like it in your lifetime, my +Karl? No, I don't think it can ever be quite the same after all this!), +we were all in the country. Alex was back from his school in Petrograd, +and my father kept him at home for the autumn term. +</p> + +<p> +How well I remember the excitement, the mobilization, the blessing of +the colours, the wave of patriotism which swept over the country; even +I, under the influence of the specious proclamations that were issued +broadcast by the Government, with their promises of reform, and redress +for Poland after the war was over, felt more Russian than Polish. Lies! +Lies! Lies! that was what the Government promises were, my Karl. +</p> + +<p> +Under the stress of war the rottenness of that great whited sepulchre, +Russia, feared the revival of the Polish spirit; it might have been +awkward, and so they lied with their tongues in their cheeks, and we +simple Poles believed them; the peasantry flocked to their depots, +little knowing whom they fought, but the proclamations which were read +to them told them they fought for Poland, and we women worked and +prayed for the success of Russian arms. +</p> + +<p> +Then the tide of war swept westward, and all day long and every day the +troops, and the guns and the motor-cars and the wagons rolled through +the village to the west. +</p> + +<p> +Guarded hints in the papers seemed to say that all was not well in +France, but France was so far away, and all the time the Russians were +going west through our village. Mighty Russia was putting forth her +strength, and the Austrian debacle was in full swing; these were great +days, my Karl, for a Russian! +</p> + +<p> +Then one day the long columns of men and all the traffic seemed to +hesitate in the sluggish westward flow, and then it stopped, and then +it began to go east. The weeks went on, and one day, very, very +faintly, there was a rumbling like a distant thunderstorm. It was the +guns! The front was coming back. +</p> + +<p> +Have you ever seen forest fires, my Karl? We had them every autumn in +our woods. If you have, then you know how all the small animals and the +birds, the rabbits and the foxes, and perhaps a wolf or two, and the +deer, and the thrushes and the linnets come out from the shelter of the +trees, fleeing blindly from the great peril, anxious only to save their +lives. So it was when the front came back. Herds of moujiks, the old +men, the women, the children, the poor little babies, struggled blindly +eastwards through the village. +</p> + +<p> +Pushing their miserable household gods on handcarts, or staggering +along with loads on their backs, and weary children dragging at their +arms, the human tide flowed eastwards, round our house, begged perhaps +a drink of water, and then wandered feverishly onwards. +</p> + +<p> +They knew not in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred where they were +going; their only destination was summed up in the words, "Away from +the Front"--away from the ominous rumbling which began to get louder, +away from that western horizon which was beginning to have a lurid glow +at nights, like a sunset prolonged to dawn. +</p> + +<p> +Then, as the Germans advanced more and more, the character of the tide +changed, the civilian element was outnumbered by the military. +Companies, battalions, brigades, sometimes in good order, sometimes in +no order, marched through the village. They would often halt for a +short time, and the officers would come up to the house, where my +mother and I gave them what we could. My father lived amongst his books +and accounts, and bemoaned the extravagance of the war. Then there were +the deserters, the stragglers, the walking wounded, the--but you know, +my Karl, what an army in retreat means. +</p> + +<p> +I must proceed with my story, for time moves relentlessly on. +</p> + +<p> +One day a desperately wounded officer, a young Lieutenant of the Guard, +a boy of twenty-five, was taken out of a motor ambulance to die. +</p> + +<p> +The ambulance had stopped opposite our gates, and lying on his +stretcher he had seen our garden, my garden. He knew he was to die, and +he had begged with tears in his eyes to the doctor that he might be +left in the garden. +</p> + +<p> +Who could refuse him? +</p> + +<p> +He died within two hours, amongst our flowers, with Alex and I at his +side. +</p> + +<p> +Before he died, he begged us, implored us, almost ordered us, to move +east before it was too late. +</p> + +<p> +We repeated his arguments to my father, but the latter was obdurate, +and he swore that a regiment of angels would not move him from his +ancestral home. So we made up our minds to stay. +</p> + +<p> +Things got worse and worse, and one day shells fell in the grounds and +we hid in the cellars. That night all our servants ran away, and my +father cursed them for cowards. Next day in the early morning we heard +machine guns fire outside the village, and then all was still. +</p> + +<p> +At six o'clock Alex, white-faced, came running into the house. He had +been down to the gates and he had seen the enemy. They were drunk, he +said, and going down the street firing the houses and shooting the +people as they came out. +</p> + +<p> +It seemed impossible and yet it was true. It was growing dark, when we +heard shouts and saw lights, and from the top of the house I saw a +crowd of singing and shouting soldiers, with pine torches, half +running, half walking up the drive. +</p> + +<p> +They massed in a body opposite the house. Paralysed with terror, I +looked down on the scene, and shuddered to see that every second man +seemed to have a bottle. One of them fired a shot at the house, and +next I remember a flood of light on the drive, and, in the circle of +light, my father standing with hand raised. What my father intended can +never be known, for, as he paused and faced the mob, a solitary shot +rang out, and he fell in a huddled heap. +</p> + +<p> +As he fell, a boyish voice from the door shouted "Murderers!" It was +Alex. With his little pistol I had given him for a birthday present in +his hand, he ran forward and, standing over my father's body, head +thrown back, he pointed his pistol at the mob and fired twice. A man +dropped, there was a flash of steel, the crowd surged forward, +and--and, oh! my Karl, they had murdered my beloved brother, my darling +Alex. +</p> + +<p> +The next moment they were in the house. I escaped from my window on to +the roof of the dairy, and from there down a water-pipe, across the +yard to an old hay-loft. For a long time they ran in and out of the +house, like ants, looting and pillaging; then there was a great shout, +and for some time not a soul came out of the house. I guessed they had +got into the cellars. At about midnight I saw that the house was on +fire. In a few minutes it was an inferno and the drunken soldiers came +pouring out, firing their rifles in all directions. +</p> + +<p> +I had found a piece of rope in the loft. One end I placed on a hook and +the other round my neck. I was close to the upper doors of the loft, +with a drop to the courtyard, and thus I stayed, for I feared that some +soldier, more sober than the rest, might explore the outhouses and find +me. I was watching this unearthly spectacle, and never, my best +beloved, did I conceive that man could become lower than the beasts, +but before my eyes it was so, when I noticed that the great gates at +the southern end of the courtyard were opening. As they opened I saw +that beyond them were drawn up a line of men. An officer gave an order, +and two machine guns were placed in position in the gate entrance; +round the guns lay their crews, and the seething mass of revellers saw +nothing. I felt that a fearful tragedy was impending, and as I held my +breath with anxiety the officer gave a short, sharp movement with his +hand and a hideous rattle rose above all noises. The pandemonium that +ensued was indescribable. Some ran helplessly into the burning house, +others ran round and round in circles, others tried to get into the +dairy; one man got upon its roof and fell back dead as soon as his head +appeared above the outer wall. The place was surrounded. It was +horrible. A few tried to rush for the gate, they melted away like snow +before the sun, as their bodies met the pitiless stream of bullets. I +suppose two hundred men were killed in as many seconds. The machine +guns ceased fire. Ambulance parties came into the yard, collected the +dead and living, and within half an hour there was not a soul save +myself in the place. Discipline had received its oblation of men's +lives. +</p> + +<p> +As an example, it was one of the most wonderful things I have ever +known in your wonderful army, my Karl, but it was terrible--terribly +cruel. +</p> + +<p> +I never knew what became of my mother, though I feel she is +dead--murdered, perhaps, like my father and my darling Alex, or perhaps +she hid somewhere in the house and remained petrified with terror till +the flames came. Next morning I left my hiding-place and walked about. +Not a German was to be seen, but in the wood was a huge newly-made +grave. It was all open warfare then, and this flying column, which was +miles in advance of the main body, had moved on. The house was a +smoking mass of ruins, but the farm buildings had been spared, and I +let out all the poor animals and turned them into the woods, so that +they might have their chance. +</p> + +<p> +All day I searched for my father and brother, but not a sign was to be +seen, and at dusk I stood alone, faint and broken, amongst the ruins of +my ancestors' home. As I looked at this scene of desolation and I +contrasted what had been my life twenty-four hours before and what it +was then, something seemed to snap in my brain, and for the first time +I cried. Oh! the blessed relief of those tears, my Karl, for I was a +poor weak, helpless girl, and alone with death and bitterness all round +me. Late that night I hid once more in my hay-loft and next morning I +left Inkovano for ever. Before I left, I made a vow. It is because of +this vow, my beloved, that I am to die. For I vowed by the body of our +Saviour and the murdered bodies of my family that, whilst life was in +me and the war was maintained, for so long would I work unceasingly for +the Allies against Germany. As the war ran its fiery course, I have +seen more and more that the Allies are the only ones who will do +anything for Poland, my beloved country, so have I been strengthened in +my vow. +</p> + +<p> +I struck south on my feet, as a poor girl--I, the daughter of a +princely family of Poland! No hardships were too great for me, provided +I could reach Allied territory. I travelled from village to village as +a singing girl, and once I was driven away with stones by villagers set +upon me by a fanatical priest. I came by Cracow, and across the +Carpathians, helped to pass the lines by a Hungarian Lieutenant--but I +tricked him of his reward; I was not ready for that sacrifice. Then +across the Hungarian plains to Buda-Pesth, where I remained three weeks, +singing in a third-rate café, to make some money for my next stage. But +I had to leave too soon--the old story!--this time it was the +proprietor's son. What beasts men are, my Karl! And yet to me you are +above all other men, a prince amongst your fellows, and never did I +love you so distractedly as that first night at the shooting-box, when +I read the scorn in your eyes as you rejected me. I have no shame in +telling you this. Am I not already in the grave? And then I must be +silent and can only await your coming. After many struggles, wearisome +to relate, I came to Hermanstadt, and there, whilst pushing my trade as +a dancer, came into touch with a Hungarian band of smugglers, working +across the mountain passes between Eastern Hungary and Roumania. I did +certain work for these men, and in return crossed with them one bitter +night in a thunderstorm into Roumania. At Bukharest I got a good +engagement, and when I had saved a thousand marks, I bought a passport +for five hundred, and came to Serbia, then staggering beneath the great +Austrian offensive. +</p> + +<p> +Once again I was in the horrors of a retreat, but I escaped, reaching +Valona, and crossed to Brindisi, by the aid of a French officer to whom +I told my story and who believed me. His name is Pierre Lemansour, and +he lives at Bordeaux. +</p> + +<p> +If fortune places him in your power, be kind to him, my Karl, for your +Zoe's sake. +</p> + +<p> +I came to Rome; and thence to Paris. I stayed here three weeks, singing +in a cabaret. Whilst here I tried to advance my plans in vain! What +could I, a poor girl, do for the Allies? The Embassy laughed at me, all +except one young attaché who tried to make love to me. +</p> + +<p> +Then I thought of England--England, and her cold, hard islanders, +phlegmatic in movements, slow to hate, slow to move, but once +roused--ah! they never let go, these islanders! +</p> + +<p> +One of their poets has said: "The mills of God grind slowly, but they +grind exceeding small." +</p> + +<p> +That, my Karl, is like England. +</p> + +<p> +They are your most terrible enemies, and you know it. +</p> + +<p> +Do not be angry with me when you read this. +</p> + +<p> +For me it is Poland, for you Germany. +</p> + +<p> +Where I am going in a few hours there is no Poland, no Germany, no +England, no war. And perhaps, perhaps, no love. +</p> + +<p> +You and I, Karl, have loved, too well, perchance, but our love was +above even the love of countries. +</p> + +<p> +God made the love of men and women, then men and women created their +countries. +</p> + +<p> +I see the future before me, Karl, and I foresee that the struggle will +be at the end of all things, between England and Germany. One will be +in the dust. +</p> + +<p> +Thus, I crossed to England and was swallowed up in the great city of +London. England has always had a corner of her calculating heart for +the small nations, and in London there is a Polish organization. I +applied there, and one day I was taken to the Foreign Office, and found +myself alone with a great Englishman. His name was--No, I promised, and +it will not matter to you, for though he gave me my chance, I have no +love for him, and he will never be in your power. Even as I write these +words, he has probably taken a list from a locked safe and neatly ruled +a red line through the name Zoe Sbeiliez. I tell you they know +everything, these Englishmen. I told him my story, and then he asked me +whether I was prepared to do all things for the Allies. I told him I +was. He then said that I could go as agent for a back area in Belgium, +and my centre would be Bruges. I agreed, and asked him innocently +enough how I was to live in Bruges. He looked up from his desk and +said: +</p> + +<p> +"You will be given facilities to cross the Belgium-Holland frontier, as +a German singer." +</p> + +<p> +"And then?" I asked. +</p> + +<p> +"You will go to Bruges and make friends with an Army officer; he must +be high up on the staff." +</p> + +<p> +I guessed what he meant, but hoped against hope, and I said: "How?" +</p> + +<p> +I can still see his fish-like face, hair brushed back with scrupulous +care, as without a shadow of emotion he looked up, puffed his pipe, and +said in matter-of-fact tones: +</p> + +<p> +"You have a pretty face and an excellent figure. Need I say more?" +</p> + +<p> +I could have struck him in the face. I was speechless, my mind a whirl +of conflicting emotions. I was roused by the level tones again. +</p> + +<p> +"Is it too much--for Poland?" +</p> + +<p> +Oh! the cunning of the man; he knew my weakness. Mechanically, I +agreed. Certain details were settled, and he pressed a bell. Within +five minutes I was walking back to my lodgings. +</p> + +<p> +Thanks to a marvellous organization, which your police will never +discover, my Karl, within <i>three weeks</i> I was singing on the Bruges +music-hall stage, and accepted without question as being what I was +not, a German artist from Dantzig. The men were soon round me, but I +had no use for youngsters with money. I wanted a man with information. +At last I found my man--the Colonel. He was on the Headquarters staff +of the XIth Army, the army of occupation in Belgium, when I first met +him. Subsequently he went back to regimental work; but by the time he +was killed (and to realize what a release that meant for me, you would +have had to have lived with him) I had established regular sources of +information concerning which I will say no more. Let your country's +agents find them if they can. This must I say for the Colonel: he was a +brute and a drunkard, but in his own gross way he loved me, and he +licked my boots at my desire, but I had to pay the price. You are a +man, and with all your loving sympathy you can but dimly realize what +this costs a woman. To me it was a dual sacrifice of honour and life, +but it was for Poland, and the memories of my parents and Alex steeled +me and strengthened my resolution, and so, and so, my Karl, I paid the +price. +</p> + +<p> +My special work was on the military side, and consisted in making +quarterly reports on the general dispositions of large bodies of +troops, the massing of corps for spring offensives, and big pushes and +hammer blows. +</p> + +<p> +Then you came into my life! When the Colonel used to go away it was my +habit to mix in the demi-mondaine society of Bruges, to try and live a +few hours in which I could forget--oh! don't think the worst! <i>That</i> +sort of thing had no attraction for me. I didn't seek oblivion in that +direction! I had never even kissed anyone in Bruges until I kissed you +that first night we met at dinner--I was attracted to you from the very +first; the Colonel was due back in a few days, and I suddenly felt mad, +and kissed you. I suppose you put me down as one of the usual kind, out +to sell myself at a price varying between a good dinner and the rent of +a flat! You will now know that I had already mortgaged my body to +Poland. +</p> + +<p> +Then a few days later you will remember we went down for that wonderful +day in the forest, and for the first time, Karl, I began to see that I +was really caring for you, and a faint realization of the dangers and +impossibilities towards which we were drifting crossed my mind. +</p> + +<p> +Do you remember how silent I was on the drive back? In a fashion, my +Karl, I could foresee dimly a little of what was going to happen. I had +a presentiment that the end would be disaster, but I thrust the idea +away from me. Then came the day, just before one of your trips--oh! the +agony, my darling, of those days, each an age in length, when you were +at sea--when you told me at the flat that you loved me. +</p> + +<p> +How I longed to throw my arms round your neck and abandon myself to +your embraces, but I was still strong enough in those days to hold back +for both our sakes. +</p> + +<p> +Each time we were together I loved you more and more, and each time +when you had gone I seemed to see with clearer vision the fatal and +inevitable ending. +</p> + +<p> +But I refused to give up the first real happiness that had been mine in +my short and stormy life, and so I clung desperately to my idle dream. +</p> + +<p> +I prayed, I prayed for hours, Karl, that the war might end, for I felt +that in this lay our only hope--but what are one woman's prayers, a +sinful woman's prayers, to the Creator of all things, and the war +ground on in its endless agony just as it does to-night--Karl! Karl! +will this torture ever end? +</p> + +<p> +But I must hurry, there is still much to tell you, and Time goes on +relentlessly just like the war; it is only life that ends. Then came +the days I took you to the shooting-box for the first time, and that +night I broke down and, unashamed, offered you myself. Think not too +badly of your Zoe, my Karl; when a woman loves as I do, what is +convention? A nothing, a straw on the waters of life. I wanted you for +my own, passionately and desperately, for I feared that any moment the +end might come, and to die without having felt your arms around me +would have added a thousand tortures to death. Though I could have +welcomed death with joy when I saw the look of sorrowful contempt which +you cast upon me that night. Heavens above! but you were strong, my +Karl. I am not ugly, and yet you resisted, and I hated and loved you at +the same time--oh! I know that sounds impossible, but it isn't for a +woman. I slept little that night and, feeling that I could not look you +in the face in the morning, I left for Bruges before you got up. +</p> + +<p> +I felt that I could trust you not to try and find out the secret of the +shooting-box. +</p> + +<p> +What a relief it is to be able to tell you everything frankly, and how +I hated the perpetual game of deception which I had to play. +</p> + +<p> +I used to rack my brains for answers to your perpetual question, "Why +won't you marry me?" It was a desperate risk taking you down to the +forest, but you loved me so much that you never questioned the reasons +I gave you for my secrecy. I can tell you now, Karl, that in the early +days when I used to disappear from Bruges, it was to the shooting-box +that I went. +</p> + +<p> +But I will write more of that later. +</p> + +<p> +Did you suffer the same agony as I did before you left for Kiel, and +your pride would not allow you to come to me? You understand now, my +darling, why I could never marry you, and when the Colonel was killed +it became harder than ever. Once during that terrible interview before +you went up the Russian coast, I nearly gave way and promised to marry +you. But how could I? I had sworn my vow, and even to-night, though I +stand in the shadow of death, I do not regret my vow. +</p> + +<p> +It is inconceivable that I could have married you and carried on my +work--a spy on my husband's country--and if I ever thought of trying to +do this impossible thing, a vision which has partially come true always +restrained me. +</p> + +<p> +I saw a submarine officer disgraced and perhaps sentenced to death, +because his wife had been convicted as a spy! +</p> + +<p> +No! it was impossible. +</p> + +<p> +But if I could not marry you, I still wanted your love. +</p> + +<p> +Then you went up the Russian coast, and I heard of your return in a +submarine terribly wrecked. I guessed what you must have gone through, +and determined to see you, but when I entered your room and saw you +lying open-eyed on your bed, with no one but a clumsy soldier to nurse +you, I could have wept. You know the rest; you can perhaps hardly +remember how I led you to my car and took you down to the forest. Oh, +Karl, are you angry with me for what happened? Do you sometimes think +that I took an unfair advantage of your weakness? Please! Please +forgive me, you were so helpless, and I loved you so. +</p> + +<p> +Then came those unforgettable weeks whilst your boat was being +repaired, weeks which opened to me the door of the paradise I was never +to enter. Oh! Karl, I pray that all those memories may remain sweet and +unclouded all your life. Think of those days when you think of your +Zoe. Alas! they came to an end too soon, and you left for the Atlantic. +When you came back all was over; I had been caught at last. +</p> + +<p> +The evidence at the trial was clear enough. I have no complaints. I was +fairly caught. You remember the big open space in front of the +shooting-box? I do not mind saying now that five times have I been +taken up from there in an English aeroplane, and landed there again +after two days. Each time I took over a full report on military +affairs. Not a word of naval news, my Karl; you will remember I never +tried to find out U-boat information. I even warned you to be cautious. +Well, they caught me as I landed; the English boy who had flown me back +tried hard to save me, but it only cost him his own life. +</p> + +<p> +My first thought was of you, and there is not a jot of evidence against +you, save only your friendship for me. Remember this fact, if they +persecute you. Admit nothing, believe nothing they tell you, deny +everything; they have no evidence; but they are certain to try and trap +you. +</p> + +<p> +It was noble of you, Karl, to engage Monsieur Labordin in my defence, +but it was useless and may do you harm. +</p> + +<p> +I also know of your efforts with the Governor. I hoped nothing from +him, but what you did has made me ready to die; I tremble lest you are +compromised. +</p> + +<p> +If only I could feel absolutely certain that I have not dragged you +down in my ruin I should face the rifles with a smile. +</p> + +<p> +For my sake be careful, Karl. +</p> + +<p> +When it is all over, cause a few little flowers to cover my +resting-place, if this is permitted for a spy. Order them, do not place +them yourself; you <i>must not</i> be compromised. +</p> + +<p> +I have told my story, and the end is very near. What else is there to +say? +</p> + +<p> +Mere words are empty husks when I try to express my thoughts of you. +</p> + +<p> +Do not sorrow for your Zoe, to whom you have given such happiness. +</p> + +<p> +I am not afraid to die and cross into the unknown, which, however +terrible it is, cannot be much worse than this awful war. +</p> + +<p> +Karl! Karl! how I long to kiss you and feel your strong arms crushing +the breath from this body of mine which has caused so much sorrow. +</p> + +<p> +Oh, Mother Mary, support me in this hour of trial. +</p> + +<p> +I cannot leave you! +</p> + +<p> +May the Saints guard you and keep you through all the perils of war, +and grant that we meet again in the perfect peace of eternity. +</p> + +<p> +For ever, Your devoted and adoring ZOE. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +<i>Karl's Diary resumed.</i> +</p> + +<p> +She is dead! +</p> + +<p> +They have killed her, my Zoe, my adorable darling, and I am still +alive--under close arrest. Perhaps they will shoot me too, in their +insatiable thirst for blood. Oh! if they would! Perhaps, my Zoe, if I +could only die and leave this useless world behind, I might find you in +the mysterious regions where your spirit now dwells. +</p> + +<p> +Oh! is it well with you, Zoe? Give me a sign--a little sign--that all +is well. I have knelt in prayer and asked for a sign, but nothing +comes--all is a blank, forbidding and mysterious. Is God angry with us, +my Zoe, that we sinned before Him? Surely, surely He understands. He +must have mercy on me if He is going to make me go on living. If this +is my punishment, I can bear it; I will live without you happily if +only I may know that all is well with you. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Your letter, Zoe! Can you read these words as I write; can you sense my +thoughts? Speak! Ah! I thought I heard your voice, and it was only the +laughter of a woman in the street. Your letter has filled me with joy +and sorrow. I read and re-read the wonderful words in which you say you +loved me from the beginning, but when you plead that I shall not turn +in loathing from your memory--with these words you smash me to the +ground. + +Most glorious woman, I never loved you so well and so passionately as +the day you stood at the trial, ringed round with the wolves, the +clever lawyers, the stolid witnesses, the ponderous books, the cynical +air of religious solemnity with which the machinery of the law thinly +cloaks its lust for blood--for a life. +</p> + +<p> +Even when my ears heard the sentence, I could not believe it would be +carried out. The firing party, the chair, the bandage. Oh, God! spare +me these awful thoughts. To think of your breasts lacerated by +the----Oh! this is unendurable! Stop, madman that I am! +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +I am calmer now; I have read your letter again and rescued the journal +from the grate into which I flung it. +</p> + +<p> +The fire was out; I am not sorry; my journal is all I have left, and in +its pages are enshrined small, feeble word-pictures of paradise on +earth. To read them is to catch an echo of the music we both loved so +well. Music! you were all music to me, my Zoe. Your voice, your +movements, your caresses all seemed to me to speak of music. +</p> + +<p> +I ask myself, I shall always ask myself until the last hour, whether +all that could be done to save you was done. I tried to telegraph to +the Kaiser for you, Zoe, but the wire never got further than Bruges +post office; they stopped it, and put me under arrest. It was only open +arrest, my darling, and on that last awful night I forced them to let +me see the Governor. I, Karl Von Schenk, knelt at his feet and begged +for your life. He simply said, "You are mad." I left the Palace under +close arrest. +</p> + +<p> +Was ever woman's nobleness of character so exemplified as in your life? +Be comforted, Zoe, that in all my black sorrow I cling desperately to +my pride in your strength. I long to shout abroad what you did and why +you would never marry me, to tell all the gaping world that when you +died a martyr to duty was killed. I am so unworthy of what you did for +me, my darling, and it tortures me with mental rendings to think that +whilst I prided myself in my strength of mind, I was dragging you +through the fires of hell. When I think of those six weeks we had +together, my brain says, "And they might have been months had you not +spurned her in the forest." +</p> + +<p> +Oh, Zoe! if the priests say truth and all things are now revealed to +you, forgive me for this act of mine. Come to me in spirit and give me +mental peace. +</p> + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/285.jpg"><img src="images/285th.jpg" alt="...when there was a blinding flash and the air seemed filled with moaning fragments"></a> +</p> + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/286.jpg"><img src="images/286th.jpg" alt="When I put up my periscope at 9 a.m. the horizon seemed to be ringed with patrols"></a> +</p> + +<p> +As I write like this, as if it was a letter that you might read, I am +comforted a little; I rely utterly on the hope, which I struggle to +change into belief, that you can read this and know my thoughts. +</p> + +<p> +For when I think that had things been otherwise you might have been +leaning over my chair at this moment, and running your cool fingers +through my stiff hair; when I think of this, my darling, the full +realization comes to me of the gulf which must divide us for some +uncertain period, and the lines of this page run mistily before my +eyes. +</p> + +<p> +Zoe, my Zoe, strange things have happened in this war; wives declare +they have seen their husbands, mothers have felt the presence of their +sons; if the powers permit, come to me once again, I implore you, and +give me strength to live my life alone. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Examined before the Court of Inquiry to-day. Fools! can't they realize +that I don't care if they do shoot me? +</p> + +<p> +In the Mess, people avoid me. What do I care? Not one of them is worthy +to stand on the same soil that holds her beloved body. They have buried +her in the Castle grounds. In accordance with her wishes, I have +arranged for flowers. Perhaps one day when all this is over I may be +able to live here and tend the place where she sleeps, free at last +from all her cares. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +At the Court of Inquiry they tried to cross-examine me on our life +together. Dolts! what do they aim at proving? That I loved you? I +hardly listened. When they finished the evidence, the President asked +me if I had anything to say! Anything to say! I felt like telling them +they were cogs in the most monstrous machine for manufacturing sorrow +and destruction that mankind had ever devised. I could have shaken my +fist in their solemn faces and shouted "Beasts! you murdered her! You +destroyed that most wonderful woman who lowered herself to love me." +</p> + +<p> +Actually there was a long silence, and then the Vice-President, Captain +Fruhlingsohn, said, "Speak; we wish you well." +</p> + +<p> +It was the first touch of sympathy, the only sign of humanity I had +received in all these awful days, and it touched my stubborn heart and +the longed-for tears flowed at last. +</p> + +<p> +I murmured: "Gentlemen, I am no traitor; but I loved her as my own +soul." +</p> + +<p> +"Dissolve the Court. Remove the prisoner." Like the clash of iron +gates, officialdom came into its own again. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +So I am not to be shot! Not even imprisoned! "Don't fall in love with +enemy agents again!"--that summarized their verdict. +</p> + +<p> +Ha! Ha! Ha! It is all horribly funny. The real reason is that they need +me. I am a trained and skilful slaughterer on the seas; I am an +essential part of the great machine. And they haven't got any spares! I +was in the Mess yesterday when the English papers we get from Amsterdam +arrived. Oh! a pretty surprise awaited the first man who opened <i>The +Times</i>. These English had published the names of 150 U-boat commanders +they had caught. There they all were. Christian names and all complete. +The only thing missing was a blank space in which to fill in our names +when the time comes. +</p> + +<p> +Dinner was a silent meal last night, and next morning some rat of a +Belgian had posted the list on the gatepost of the Mess. The machine +has offered five hundred marks for his apprehension--how foolish; as if +by shooting him they would take any names off the long list. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +I am to sail at dawn tomorrow. I shall not be sorry to get away for a +space from this place with its mingled memories of delight and death. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Back again, and I haven't written a word for three weeks. +</p> + +<p> +My billet last trip was off Finisterre. I sighted two convoys, but +there were destroyers there; they are so black and swift I don't go +near them. +</p> + +<p> +I don't want to die in a U-boat. It's not worth while. It is easy to +avoid these convoys. I dive and make a great fuss of attacking, then I +steer divergently. Nobody knows where the enemy is except me; I am the +only one who looks through the periscope--I take good care of that. And +then how I curse and swear when I announce that the convoy has altered +course, and there is no chance of getting in to attack. None of them +are so disappointed as I am! +</p> + +<p> +The mines get on my nerves, there is no way of dodging them, and Lord! +how they sprout on the Flanders coast. +</p> + +<p> +I am to go out in six days. It is very little rest. I believe they want +to kill me. But I won't die! Not I. +</p> + +<p> +I went to her grave yesterday for the first time. I had thought I +should weep, but I did not; in fact it left me quite unmoved. I feel +she's not really dead; she comes to me sometimes, always at night when +I am alone and when we are at sea. There's nothing very tangible, but I +catch an echo of her voice in the surge of the sea along the casing, or +the sound of the breeze as it plays along the aerial. And so I will not +die until she calls me, for up to the present her messages have told me +to live and endure. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +A very awkward incident took place last night. We were off the Naze and +saw a steamer some distance away. +</p> + +<p> +We dived to attack. When we were about a mile away I had a look at her, +and something about her put me off. I half thought she was a decoy +ship, and I privately determined I would not attack. I steered a course +which brought me well on her quarter, and as soon as I saw that it was +impossible to get into position to fire I increased speed on the +engines and shook the whole boat in efforts which were ostensibly +directed to getting her into position. At length I eased speed and +bitterly exclaimed that my luck was out. +</p> + +<p> +The First Lieutenant suggested that we should give her gunfire, but I +pointed out that I had good reason to suspect her of being a wolf in +sheep's clothing, and as he had not seen her he could hardly question +my judgment. I was going forward, when I accidentally overheard the +Navigator and the Engineer talking in the wardroom. I listened. +</p> + +<p> +The Engineer said: "The Captain doesn't seem to have the luck he used +to command." +</p> + +<p> +"Or else he has lost skill!" replied Ebert. "We never fired a torpedo +at all last trip, and it looks as if we are following that precedent +this time." +</p> + +<p> +I had heard enough, and, without their realizing my presence, I +returned to the control room. I considered the situation, and came to +the conclusion that they suspected nothing, but it was evident that +their minds were running on lines of thought which might be dangerous. +I looked at my watch and saw that there was still two hours of daylight +left, and then decided to play a trick on them all. I relieved the +First Lieutenant at the periscope, and when a decent interval of about +half an hour had elapsed I saw a ship. This vessel of my imagination, a +veritable Flying Dutchman in fact, I proceeded to attack, and, after +about twenty minutes of frequent alterations of speed and course, I +electrified the boat by bringing the bow tubes to the ready. +</p> + +<p> +The usual delay was most artistically arranged, and then I fired. With +secret amusement I watched the two expensive weapons of war rushing +along, but destined to sink ingloriously in the ocean, instead of +burying themselves in the vitals of a ship. An oath from myself and an +order to take the boat to twenty metres. +</p> + +<p> +With gloomy countenance I curtly remarked: "The port torpedo broke +surface and then dived underneath her, the starboard one missed +astern." +</p> + +<p> +So far all had gone well, but ten minutes later I nearly made a fatal +error. We had been diving for several hours, the atmosphere was bad, +and as it was dusk I decided to come up, ventilate, and put a charge on +the batteries. I gave the necessary orders, and was on my way up the +conning tower to open the outer hatch. The coxswain had just announced +that the boat was on the surface, when a terrible thought paralysed me, +and I clung helplessly to the ladder trying to think out the situation. +</p> + +<p> +It had just occurred to me that as soon as the officers and crew came +on deck they would naturally look for the steamer we had recently fired +at; this ship in the time interval which had elapsed would still be in +sight. +</p> + +<p> +As I came down, the First Lieutenant was at the periscope, looking +round the horizon. Quickly I thrust the youth from the eyepiece, and, +as calmly as I could, said: "I thought I heard propellers." +</p> + +<p> +Half an hour later we surfaced for the night. I have been wondering +ever since whether they suspect, for the three of them were talking in +the wardroom after dinner and stopped suddenly when I came in. +</p> + +<p> +I must be careful in future. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +I was sent for this morning by the Commodore's office, and handed my +appointment as Senior Lieutenant at the barracks Wilhelmshafen. +</p> + +<p> +No explanation, though I suspected something of the sort was coming, as +three days after we got in from my last trip I was examined by the +medical board attached to the flotilla. +</p> + +<p> +So I am to leave the U-boat service, and leave it under a cloud! It is +a sad come-down from Captain of a U-boat to Lieutenant in barracks, a +job reserved for the medically unfit for sea service. +</p> + +<p> +Am I sorry? No, I think I am glad. Life here at Bruges is one long +painful episode. No one speaks to me in the Mess. I am left severely +alone with my memories. The night before last I found a revolver in my +room, and attached to it was a piece of paper bearing the words: "From +a friend." +</p> + +<p> +Perhaps at Wilhelmshafen it will be different, and yet, when I went +down to the boat at noon and collected my personal affairs and stepped +over her side for the last time, I could not check a feeling of great +sadness. We had endured much together, my boat and I, and the parting +was hard. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> + <i>At Barracks</i>. +</p> + +<p> +As I suspected when I was appointed here, my job is deadly to a degree, +and my main duty is to sign leave passes. +</p> + +<p> +Our great effort in France has failed, and now the Allies react +furiously. The great war machine is strained to its utmost capacity; +can it endure the load? +</p> + +<p> +Our proper move is to paralyse the Allied offensive by striking with +all our naval weight at his cross-channel communications. The U-boat +war is too slow, and time is not on our side, whilst a hammer blow down +the Channel might do great things. But we have no naval imagination, +and who am I, that I should advance an opinion? +</p> + +<p> +A discredited Lieutenant in barracks--that's all. +</p> + +<p> +Worse and worse--there are rumours of troubles in the Fleet taking +place under certain conditions. +</p> + +<p> +It is the beginning of the end! +</p> + +<p> +Last night the High Seas Fleet were ordered to weigh at 8 a.m. this +morning. +</p> + +<p> +A mutiny broke out in the <i>König</i> and quickly spread. +</p> + +<p> +By 9 a.m. half a dozen ships were flying the red flag, and to-day +Wilhelmshafen is being administered by the Council of Soldiers and +Sailors. +</p> + +<p> +There has been little disorder; the men have been unanimous in +declaring that they would not go to sea for a last useless massacre, a +last oblation on the bloodstained altars of war. +</p> + +<p> +Can they be blamed? Of what use would such sacrifice be? +</p> + +<p> +Yet to an officer it is all very sad and disheartening. +</p> + +<p> +I have seen enough to sicken me of the whole German system of making +war, and yet if the call came I know I would gladly go forth and die +when <i>tout est perdu fors l'honneur</i>. +</p> + +<p> +Such instincts are bred deep into the men of families such as mine. +</p> + +<p> +We approach the culmination of events. To-day Germany has called for an +armistice. It has been inevitable since our Allies began falling away +from us like rotten print. +</p> + +<p> +The terms will doubtless be hard. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Heavens above! but the terms are crushing! +</p> + +<p> +All the U-boats to be surrendered, the High Seas Fleet interned; why +not say "surrendered" straight out, it will come to that, unless we +blow them up in German ports. +</p> + +<p> +The end of Kaiserdom has come; we are virtually a republic; it is all +like a dream. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +We have signed, and the last shot of the world-war has been fired. +</p> + +<p> +Here everything is confusion; the saner elements are trying to keep +order, the roughs are going round the dockyard and ships, looting +freely. +</p> + +<p> +"Better we should steal them than the English," and "There is no +Government, so all is free," are two of their cries. +</p> + +<p> +There has been a little shooting in the streets, and it is not safe for +officers to move about in uniform, though, on the whole, I have +experienced little difficulty. +</p> + +<p> +I was summoned to-day before the Local Council, which is run by a man +who was a Petty Officer of signals in the <i>König</i>. He recognized me and +looked away. +</p> + +<p> +I was instructed to take U.122 over to Harwich for surrender to the +English. +</p> + +<p> +I made no difficulty; some one has got to do it, and I verily believe I +am indifferent to all emotions. +</p> + +<p> +We sail in convoy on the day after tomorrow; that is to say, if the +crew condescend to fuel the boat in time. Three looters were executed +to-day in the dockyard and this has had a steadying effect on the worst +elements. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +I went on board 122 to-day, and on showing my authority which was +signed by the Council (which has now become the Council of Soldiers, +Sailors and Workmen), the crew of the boat held a meeting at which I +was not invited to be present. +</p> + +<p> +At its conclusion the coxswain came up to me and informed me that a +resolution had been carried by seventeen votes to ten, to the effect +that I was to be obeyed as Captain of the boat. +</p> + +<p> +I begged him to convey to the crew my gratification, and expressed the +hope that I should give satisfaction. +</p> + +<p> +I am afraid the sarcasm was quite lost on them. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +We are within sixty miles of Harwich and I expect to sight the English +cruisers any moment. +</p> + +<p> +I wrote some days ago that I was incapable of any emotion. +</p> + +<p> +I was wrong, as I have been so often during the last two years. +</p> + +<p> +In fact, I have come to the conclusion that I am no psychologist--I +don't believe we Germans are any good at psychology, and that's the +root reason why we've failed. +</p> + +<p> +I do feel emotion--it's terrible; the shame--the humiliation is +unbearable. +</p> + +<p> +I wonder how the English will behave? What a day of triumph for them. +</p> + +<p> +The signalman has just come down and reported British cruisers right +ahead; it will soon be over. I must go up on deck and exercise my +functions as elected Captain of U.122, and representative of Germany in +defeat. One last effort is demanded, and then---- +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +<i>NOTE</i> +</p> + +<p> +<i>This is the last sentence in the diary. It is probable that he suddenly +had to hurry on deck and in the subsequent confusion forgot to rescue +his diary from the locker in which he had thrust it</i>. +</p> + +<p> +ETIENNE. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<h3>THE END</h3> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 7947 ***</div> +</body> +</HTML> + diff --git a/7947-h/images/001.jpg b/7947-h/images/001.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fb70f21 --- /dev/null +++ b/7947-h/images/001.jpg diff --git a/7947-h/images/001th.jpg b/7947-h/images/001th.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..da43a16 --- /dev/null +++ b/7947-h/images/001th.jpg diff --git a/7947-h/images/004.jpg b/7947-h/images/004.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6c9493e --- /dev/null +++ b/7947-h/images/004.jpg diff --git a/7947-h/images/004th.jpg b/7947-h/images/004th.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c65be83 --- /dev/null +++ b/7947-h/images/004th.jpg diff --git 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Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: The Diary of a U-boat Commander + +Author: Anon + +Release Date: April, 2005 [EBook #7947] +[This file was first posted on June 4, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: US-ASCII + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, THE DIARY OF A U-BOAT COMMANDER *** + + + + +Eric Eldred, Marvin A. Hodges, Charles Franks, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + +THE DIARY OF A U-BOAT COMMANDER + +WITH AN INTRODUCTION AND EXPLANATORY NOTES BY ETIENNE + +AND + +_18 Illustrations on Art Paper by Frank H. Mason._ + + + + + + + +[Illustration: "We rammed a destroyer, passing through her like a knife +through cheese."] + + * * * * * + +BOOKS BY ETIENNE + +STRANGE TALES FROM THE FLEET + +A NAVAL LIEUTENANT + +1914--1918. + +"In collaboration with Navallus. + +Five Songs from the Grand Fleet." + +[Illustration: "...they are so black and swift I don't go near them."] + + * * * * * + +LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS + +"We rammed a destroyer, passing through her like a knife through +cheese" + +"...they are so black and swift I don't go near them" + +"Steering north-westerly ... to lay a small minefield off Newcastle" + +"He had suddenly seen the bow waves of a destroyer approaching at full +speed to ram" + +"We were put down by a trawler at dawn" + +"The torpedo had jumped clean out of the water a hundred yards short of +the steamer and had then dived under her" + +"A moment later there was a severe jar; we had struck the bottom" + +"As the dim lights on the mole disappeared, the ceaseless fountain of +star-shells, mingling with the flashing of guns, rose inland on our +port beam" + +"We hit her aft for the second time...." + +"The track met our ram" + +"In the flash I caught a glimpse of his conning tower" + +"The 1,000 kilogrammes of metal crashed down" + +"Good-bye! Steer west for America!" + +"It is a snug anchorage, and here I intend to remain" + +"A trapdoor near her bows fell down, the White Ensign was broken at the +fore, and a 4-inch gun opened fire from the embrasure that was revealed +on her side" + +"I sighted two convoys, but there were destroyers there...." + +"... when there was a blinding flash and the air seemed filled with +moaning fragments" + +"When I put up my periscope at 9 a.m. the horizon seemed to be ringed +with patrols" + + * * * * * + +INTRODUCTION + + +"I would ask you a favour," said the German captain, as we sat in the +cabin of a U-boat which had just been added to the long line of +bedraggled captives which stretched themselves for a mile or more in +Harwich Harbour, in November, 1918. + +I made no reply; I had just granted him a favour by allowing him to +leave the upper deck of the submarine, in order that he might await the +motor launch in some sort of privacy; why should he ask for more? + +Undeterred by my silence, he continued: "I have a great friend, +Lieutenant-zu-See Von Schenk, who brought U.122 over last week; he has +lost a diary, quite private, he left it in error; can he have it?" + +I deliberated, felt a certain pity, then remembered the _Belgian +Prince_ and other things, and so, looking the German in the face, I +said: + +"I can do nothing." + +"Please." + +I shook my head, then, to my astonishment, the German placed his head +in his hands and wept, his massive frame (for he was a very big man) +shook in irregular spasms; it was a most extraordinary spectacle. + +It seemed to me absurd that a man who had suffered, without visible +emotion, the monstrous humiliation of handing over his command intact, +should break down over a trivial incident concerning a diary, and not +even his own diary, and yet there was this man crying openly before me. + +It rather impressed me, and I felt a curious shyness at being present, +as if I had stumbled accidentally into some private recess of his mind. +I closed the cabin door, for I heard the voices of my crew approaching. + +He wept for some time, perhaps ten minutes, and I wished very much to +know of what he was thinking, but I couldn't imagine how it would be +possible to find out. + +I think that my behaviour in connection with his friend's diary added +the last necessary drop of water to the floods of emotion which he had +striven, and striven successfully, to hold in check during the agony of +handing over the boat, and now the dam had crumbled and broken away. + +It struck me that, down in the brilliantly-lit, stuffy little cabin, +the result of the war was epitomized. On the table were some +instruments I had forbidden him to remove, but which my first +lieutenant had discovered in the engineer officer's bag. + +On the settee lay a cheap, imitation leather suit-case, containing his +spare clothes and a few books. At the table sat Germany in defeat, +weeping, but not the tears of repentance, rather the tears of bitter +regret for humiliations undergone and ambitions unrealized. + +We did not speak again, for I heard the launch come alongside, and, as +she bumped against the U-boat, the noise echoed through the hull into +the cabin, and aroused him from his sorrows. He wiped his eyes, and, +with an attempt at his former hardiness, he followed me on deck and +boarded the motor launch. + +Next day I visited U.122, and these papers are presented to the public, +with such additional remarks as seemed desirable; for some curious +reason the author seems to have omitted nearly all dates. This may have +been due to the fear that the book, if captured, would be of great +value to the British Intelligence Department if the entries were dated. +The papers are in the form of two volumes in black leather binding, +with a long letter inside the cover of the second volume. + +_Internal evidence has permitted me to add the dates as regards the +years. My thanks are due to K. for assistance in translation_. + +ETIENNE. + + * * * * * + +The Diary of a U-boat Commander + + + + +One volume of my war-journal completed, and I must confess it is dull +reading. + +I could not help smiling as I read my enthusiastic remarks at the +outbreak of war, when we visualized battles by the week. What a +contrast between our expectations and the actual facts. + +Months of monotony, and I haven't even seen an Englishman yet. + +Our battle cruisers have had a little amusement with the coast raids at +Scarborough and elsewhere, but we battle-fleet fellows have seen +nothing, and done nothing. + +So I have decided to volunteer for the U-boat service, and my name went +in last week, though I am told it may be months before I am taken, as +there are about 250 lieutenants already on the waiting list. + +But sooner or later I suppose something will come of it. + +I shall have no cause to complain of inactivity in that Service, if I +get there. + + * * * * * + +I am off to-night for a six-days trip, two days of which are to be +spent in the train, to the Verdun sector. + +It has been a great piece of luck. The trip had been arranged by the +Military and Naval Inter-communication Department; and two officers +from this squadron were to go. + +There were 130 candidates, so we drew lots; as usual I was lucky and +drew one of the two chances. + +It should be intensely interesting. + + * * * * * + +_At_ ---- + + +I arrived here last night after a slow and tiresome journey, which was +somewhat alleviated by an excellent bottle of French wine which I +purchased whilst in the Champagne district. + +Long before we reached the vicinity of Verdun it was obvious to the +most casual observer that we were heading for a centre of unusual +activity. + +Hospital trains travelling north-east and east were numerous, and twice +our train, which was one of the ordinary military trains, was shunted +on to a siding to allow troop trains to rumble past. + +As we approached Verdun the noise of artillery, which I had heard +distantly once or twice during the day, as the casual railway train +approached the front, became more intense and grew from a low murmur +into a steady noise of a kind of growling description, punctuated at +irregular intervals by very deep booms as some especially heavy piece +was discharged, or an ammunition dump went up. + +The country here is very different from the mud flats of Flanders, as +it is hilly and well wooded. The Meuse, in the course of centuries, has +cut its way through the rampart of hills which surround Verdun, and we +are attacking the place from three directions. On the north we are +slowly forcing the French back on either river bank--a very costly +proceeding, as each wing must advance an equal amount, or the one that +advances is enfiladed from across the river. + +We are also slowly creeping forward from the east and north-east in the +direction of Douaumont. + +I am attached to a 105-cm. battery, a young Major von Markel in +command, a most charming fellow. I spent all to-day in the advanced +observing position with a young subaltern called Grabel, also a nice +young fellow. I was in position at 6 a.m., and, as apparently is common +here, mist hides everything from view until the sun attains a certain +strength. Our battery was supporting the attack on the north side of +the river, though the battery itself was on the south side, and firing +over a hill called L'Homme Mort. + +Von Markel told me that the fighting here has not been previously +equalled in the war, such is the intensity of the combat and the price +each side is paying. + +I could see for myself that this was so, and the whole atmosphere of +the place is pregnant with the supreme importance of this struggle, +which may well be the dying convulsions of decadent France. + +His Imperial Majesty himself has arrived on the scene to witness the +final triumph of our arms, and all agree that the end is imminent. + +Once we get Verdun, it is the general opinion that this portion of the +French front will break completely, carrying with it the adjacent +sectors, and the French Armies in the Vosges and Argonne will be +committed to a general retreat on converging lines. + +But, favourable as this would be to us, it is generally considered here +that the fall of Verdun will break the moral resistance of the French +nation. + +The feeling is, that infinitely more is involved than the capture of a +French town, or even the destruction of a French Army; it is a question +of stamina; it is the climax of the world war, the focal point of the +colossal struggle between the Latin and the Teuton, and on the +battlefields of Verdun the gods will decide the destinies of nations. + +When I got to the forward observing position, which was situated among +the ruins of a house, a most amazing noise made conversation difficult. + +The orchestra was in full blast and something approaching 12,000 pieces +of all sizes were in action on our side alone, this being the greatest +artillery concentration yet effected during the war. + +We were situated on one side of a valley which ran up at right angles +to the river, whose actual course was hidden by mist, which also +obscured the bottom of our valley. The front line was down in this +little valley, and as I arrived we lifted our barrage on to the far +hill-side to cover an attack which we were delivering at dawn. + +Nothing could be seen of the conflict down below, but after half an +hour we received orders to bring back our barrage again, and Grabel +informed me that the attack had evidently failed. This afternoon I +heard that it was indeed so, and that one division (the 58th), which +had tried to work along the river bank and outflank the hill, had been +caught by a concentration of six batteries of French 75's, which were +situated across the river. The unfortunate 58th, forced back from the +river-side, had heroically fought their way up the side of the hill, +only to encounter our barrage, which, owing to the mist, we thought was +well above and ahead of where they would be. + +Under this fresh blow the 58th had retired to their trenches at the +bottom of the small valley. As the day warmed up the mist disappeared, +and, like a theatre curtain, the lifting of this veil revealed the +whole scene in its terrible and yet mechanical splendour. + +I say mechanical, for it all seemed unreal to me. I knew I should not +see cavalry charges, guns in the open, and all the old-world panoply of +war, but I was not prepared for this barren and shell-torn circle of +hills, continually being freshly, and, to an uninformed observer, +aimlessly lashed by shell fire. + +Not a man in sight, though below us the ground was thickly strewn with +corpses. Overhead a few aeroplanes circled round amidst balls of white +shell bursts. + +During the day the slow-circling aeroplanes (which were artillery +observing machines) were galvanized into frightful activity by the +sudden appearance of a fighting machine on one side or the other; this +happened several times; it reminded me of a pike amongst young trout. + +After lunch I saw a Spad shot down in flames, it was like Lucifer +falling down from high heavens. The whole scene was enframed by a +sluggish line of observation balloons. + +Sometimes groups of these would hastily sink to earth, to rise again +when the menace of the aeroplane had passed. These balloons seemed more +like phlegmatic spectators at some athletic contest than actual +participants in the events. + +I wish my pen could convey to paper the varied impressions created +within my mind in the course of the past day; but it cannot. I have the +consolation that, though I think that I have considerable ability as a +writer, yet abler pens than mine have abandoned in despair the task of +describing a modern battle. + +I can but reiterate that the dominant impression that remains is of the +mechanical nature of this business of modern war, and yet such an +impression is a false one, for as in the past so to-day, and so in the +future, it is the human element which is, has been, and will be the +foundation of all things. + +Once only in the course of the day did I see men in any numbers, and +that was when at 3 p.m. the French were detected massing for a +counter-attack on the south side of the river. It was doomed to be +still-born. As they left their trenches, distant pigmy figures in +horizon blue, apparently plodding slowly across the ground, they were +lashed by an intensive barrage and the little figures were obliterated +in a series of spouting shell bursts. + +Five minutes later the barrage ceased, the smoke drifted away and not a +man was to be seen. Grabel told me that it had probably cost them 750 +casualties. What an amazing and efficient destruction of living +organism! + + * * * * * + +Another most interesting day, though of a different nature. + +To-day was spent witnessing the arrangements for dealing with the +wounded. I spent the morning at an advanced dressing station on the +south bank of the river. It was in a cellar, beneath the ruins of a +house, about 400 yards from the front line and under heavy shell-fire, +as close at hand was the remains of what had been a wood, which was +being used as a concentration point for reserves. + +The cover afforded by this so-called wood was extremely slight, and the +troops were concentrating for the innumerable attacks and +counter-attacks which were taking place under shell fire. This caused +the surgeon in charge of the cellar to describe the wood as our main +supply station! + +I entered the cellar at 8 a.m., taking advantage of a partial lull in +the shelling, but a machine-gun bullet viciously flipped into a wooden +beam at the entrance as I ducked to go in. I was not sorry to get +underground. A sloping path brought me into the cellar, on one side of +which sappers were digging away the earth to increase the +accommodation. + +The illumination consisted of candles set in bottles and some electric +hand lamps. The centre of the cellar was occupied by two portable +operating tables, rarely untenanted during the three hours I spent in +this hell. + +The atmosphere--for there was no ventilation--stank of sweat, blood, +and chloroform. + +By a powerful effort I countered my natural tendency to vomit, and +looked around me. The sides of the cellar were lined with figures on +stretchers. Some lay still and silent, others writhed and groaned. At +intervals, one of the attendants would call the doctor's attention to +one of the still forms. A hasty examination ensued, and the stretcher +and its contents were removed. A few minutes later the stretcher-- +empty--returned. The surgeon explained to me that there was no room +for corpses in the cellar; business, he genially remarked, was too +brisk at the present crucial stage of the great battle. + +The first feelings of revulsion having been mastered, I determined to +make the most of my opportunities, as I have always felt that the naval +officer is at a great disadvantage in war as compared with his +military brother, in that he but rarely has a chance of accustoming +himself to the unpleasant spectacle of torn flesh and bones. + +This morning there was no lack of material, and many of the intestinal +wounds were peculiarly revolting, so that at lunch-time, when another +convenient lull in the torrent of shell fire enabled me to leave the +cellar, I felt thoroughly hardened; in fact I had assisted in a humble +degree at one or two operations. + +I had lunch at the 11th Army Medical Headquarters Mess, and it was a +sumptuous meal to which I did full justice. + +After lunch, whilst waiting to be motored to a field hospital, I +happened to see a battalion of Silesian troops about to go up to the +front line. + +It was rather curious feeling that one was looking at men, each in +himself a unit of civilization, and yet many of whom were about to die +in the interests thereof. + +Their faces were an interesting study. + +Some looked careless and debonair, and seemed to swing past with a +touch of recklessness in their stride, others were grave and serious, +and seemed almost to plod forward to the dictates of an inevitable +fatalism. + +The field hospital, where we met some very charming nurses, on one of +whom I think I created a distinct impression, was not particularly +interesting. It was clean, well-organized and radiated the efficiency +inseparable from the German Army. + + * * * * * + +Back at Wilhelmshaven--curse it! + +Yesterday morning, when about to start on a tour of the ammunition +supply arrangements, I received an urgent wire recalling me at once! + +There was nothing for it but to obey. + +I was lucky enough to get a passage as far as Mons in an albatross +scout which was taking dispatches to that place. + +From there I managed to bluff a motor car out of the town commandant--a +most obliging fellow. This took me to Aachen where I got an express. + +The reason for my recall was that Witneisser went sick and Arnheim +being away, this has left only two in the operations ciphering +department. + +My arrival has made us three. It is pretty strenuous work and, being of +a clerical nature, suits me little. The only consolation is that many +of the messages are most interesting. I was looking through the back +files the other day and amongst other interesting information I came +across the wireless report from the boat that had sunk the _Lusitania_. + +It has always been a mystery to me why we sank her, as I do not believe +those things pay. + + * * * * * + +Arnheim has come back, so I have got out of the ciphering department, +to my great delight. + +I have received official information that my application for U-boats +has been received. Meanwhile all there is to do is to sit at +this ---- hole and wait. + + + + +_2nd June_, 1916. + + +I have fought in the greatest sea battle of the ages; it has been a +wonderful and terrible experience. + +All the details of the battle will be history, but I feel that I must +place on record my personal experiences. + +We have not escaped without marks, and the good old _Koenig_ brought 67 +dead and 125 wounded into port as the price of the victory off +Skajerack, but of the English there are thousands who slept their last +sleep in the wrecked hulls of the battle cruisers which will rust for +eternal ages upon the Jutland banks. + +Sad as our losses are--and the gallant _Lutzow_ has sunk in sight of +home--I am filled with pride. + +We have met that great armada the British Fleet, we have struck them +with a hammer blow and we have returned. I was asleep in my cabin when +the news came that Hipper was coming south with the British battle +cruisers on his beam. In five minutes we were at our action stations. +We made contact with Hipper at 5.30 p.m., [1] and Beatty turned north +with his cruisers and fast battleships and we pursued. + +[Footnote 1: This is 4.30 G.M.T.--Etienne] + +Two of the great ships had been sunk by our battle cruisers, and we had +hopes of destroying the remainder, when at 6.55 the mist on the +northern horizon was pierced by the formidable line of the British +Battle Fleet. + +Jellicoe had arrived! + +Three battle cruisers became involved between the lines, and in an +instant one was blown up, and another crawled west in a sinking +condition. Sudden and terrible are events in a modern sea-battle. + +Confronted with the concentrated force of Britain's Battle Fleet we +turned to east, and for twenty minutes our High Seas Fleet sustained +the unequal contest. + +It was during this period that we were hit seventeen times by heavy +shell, though, in my position in the after torpedo control tower, I +only realized one hit had taken place, which was when a shell plunged +into the after turret and, blowing the roof off, killed every member of +the turret's crew. + +From my position, when the smoke and dust had blown away, I looked down +into a mass of twisted machinery, amongst which I seemed to detect the +charred remains of bodies. + +At about 7.40 we turned, under cover of our smoke screen, and steered +south-west. + +Our position was not satisfactory, as the last information of the enemy +reported them as turning to the southward; consequently they were +between us and Heligoland. + +At 11 p.m. we received a signal for divisions of battle fleets to steer +independently for the Horn Reef swept channel. + +Ten minutes later we underwent the first of five destroyer attacks. + +The British destroyers, searching wide in the night, had located us, +and with desperate gallantry pressed home the attack again and again. +So close did they come that about 1.30 a.m. we rammed one, passing +through her like a knife through a cheese. + +It was a wonderful spectacle to see those sinister craft, rushing madly +to their destruction down the bright beam of our powerful searchlights. +It was an avenue of death for them, but to the credit of their Service +it must stand that throughout the long nightmare they did not hesitate. + +The surrounding darkness seemed to vomit forth flotilla after flotilla +of these cavalry of the sea. + +And they struck us once, a torpedo right forward, which will keep us in +dock for a month, but did no vital injury. + +When morning dawned, misty and soft, as is its way in June in the +Bight, we were to the eastward of the British, and so we came +honourably home to Wilhelmshaven, feeling that the young Navy had laid +worthy foundations for its tradition to grow upon. + +We are to report at Kiel, and shall be six weeks upon the job. + + + + +_Frankfurt_. + + +Back on seventeen days' leave, and everyone here very anxious to hear +details of the battle of Skajerack. + +It is very pleasant to have something to talk to the women about. +Usually the gallant field greys hold the drawing-room floor, with their +startling tales from the Western Front, of how they nearly took Verdun, +and would have if the British hadn't insisted on being slaughtered on +the Somme. + +It is quite impossible in many ways to tell that there is a war on as +far as social life in this place is concerned. + +There is a shortage of good coffee and that is about all. + + * * * * * + +Arrived back on board last night. + +They have made a fine job of us, and we go through the canal to the +Schillig Roads early next week. + +We are to do three weeks' gunnery practices from there, to train the +new drafts. + + + +1916 (_about August_). + +At last! Thank Heavens, my application has been granted. Schmitt (the +Secretary) told me this morning that a letter has come from the +Admiralty to say that I am to present myself for medical examination at +the board at Wilhelmshaven to-morrow. + +What joy! to strike a blow at last, finished for ever the cursed +monotony of inactivity of this High Seas Fleet life. But the U-boat +war! Ah! that goes well. We shall bring those stubborn, blood-sucking +islanders to their knees by striking at them through their bellies. + +When I think of London and no food, and Glasgow and no food, then who +can say what will happen? Revolt! rebellion in England, and our brave +field greys on the west will smash them to atoms in the spring of 1917, +and I, Karl Schenk, will have helped directly in this! Great +thought--but calm! I am not there yet, there is still this confounded +medical board. I almost wish I had not drunk so much last night, not +that it makes any difference, but still one must run no risks, for I +hear that the medical is terribly strict for the U-boat service. Only +the cream is skimmed! Well, to-morrow we shall see. + + * * * * * + +Passed! and with flying colours; it seemed absurdly easy and only took +ten minutes, but then my physique is magnificent, thanks to the +physical training I have always done. I am now due to get three weeks' +leave, and then to Zeebrugge. + +I have wired to the little mother at Frankfurt. + + * * * * * + +_At Zeebrugge, or rather Bruges._ + + +I spent three weeks at home, all the family are pleased except mother; +she has a woman's dread of danger; it is a pleasing characteristic in +peace time, but a cloy on pleasure in days of war. To her, with the +narrowness of a female's intellect, I really believe I am of more +importance than the Fatherland--how absurd. Whilst at Frankfurt I saw a +good deal of Rosa; she seems better looking each time I meet her; +doubtless she is still developing to full womanhood. Moritz was home +from Flanders. He had ten days' leave from Ypres, and, though I have a +dislike for him, he certainly was interesting, though why the English +cling to those wretched ruins is more than I can understand. + +I felt instinctively that in a sense Moritz and I were rivals where +Rosa was concerned, though I have never considered her in that +light--as yet. One day, perhaps? These women are much the same +everywhere, and I could see that having entered the U-boat service made +a difference with Rosa, though her logic should have told her that I +was no different. But is that right? After all, it is something to have +joined this service; the Guards themselves have no better cachet, and +it is certainly cheaper. + +Here we live in billets and in a commandeered hotel. The life ashore is +pleasant enough; the damned Belgians are sometimes sulky, but they know +who is master. Bissing (a splendid chap) sees to that. + +As a matter of fact we have benefited them by our occupation, the shops +do a roaring trade at preposterous prices, and shamefully enough the +German shopkeepers are most guilty. These pot-bellied merchants don't +seem to realize that they exist owing to our exertions. + +I was much struck with the beautiful orderliness of the small gardens +which we have laid out since 1914, and, in fact, wherever one looks +there is evidence of the genius of the German race for thorough +organization. Yet these Belgians don't seem to appreciate it. I can't +understand it. + +I find here that social life is very much gayer than at that mad town +of Wilhelmshaven. At the High Seas Fleet bases there was the strictness +and austerity that some people seem to consider necessary to show that +we are at war, though Heaven knows there was precious little war in the +High Seas Fleet; perhaps that was why the "blood and iron" regime was +in full order ashore. Here, in Bruges, at any rate as far as the +submarine officers are concerned, the matter is far different. When the +boats are in, one seems to do as one likes, with a perfunctory visit to +the ship in the course of the day. + +Witnitz (the Commodore) favours complete relaxation when in from a +trip. In the evenings there are parties, for which there are always +ladies, and I find it is necessary to have a "smoking."[1] I went to +the best tailor to buy one, and found that I must have one made at the +damnable price of 140 marks; the fitter, an oily Jew, had the +incredible impertinence to assure me it would be cut on London lines! + +[Footnote 1: A dinner jacket.] + +I nearly felled him to the ground; can one never get away from England +and things English? I'll see his account waits a bit before I settle +it. + +There are several fellows I know here. Karl Mueller, who was 3rd +watchkeeper in the _Yorck_, and Adolf Hilfsbaumer, who was captain of +G.176, are the two I know best. They are both doing a few trips as +second in commands of the later U.C. boats, which are mine-laying off +the English coasts. This is a most dangerous operation, and nearly all +the U.C. boats are commanded by reserve officers, of whom there are a +good many in the Mess. + +Excellent fellows, no doubt, but somewhat uncouth and lacking the finer +points of breeding; as far as I can see in the short time I have been +here they keep themselves to themselves a good deal. I certainly don't +wish to mix with them. Unfortunately, it appears that I am almost bound +to be appointed as second in command of one of the U.C. boats, for at +least one trip before I go to the periscope school and train for a +command of my own. The idea of being bottled up in an elongated cigar +and under the command of one of those nautical plough-boys is +repellent. However, the Von Schenks have never been too proud to obey +in order to learn how to command. + + * * * * * + +I have been appointed second in command to U.C.47. Her captain is one +Max Alten by name. Beyond the fact that I saw him drunk one night in +the Mess I know nothing of him. + +I reported to him and he seems rather in awe of me. His fears are +groundless. + +I shall make it as easy as possible for him, for it must be as awkward +for him as it is unpleasant for me. + +To celebrate my proper entry into the U-boat service, I gave a dinner +party last night in a private room at "Le Coq d'Or." I asked Karl and +Adolf, and told them to bring three girls. My opposite number was a +lovely girl called Zoe something or other. I wore my "smoking" for the +first time; it is certainly a becoming costume. + +We drank a good deal of champagne and had a very pleasant little +debauch; the girls got very merry, and I kissed Zoe once. She was not +very angry. I think she is thoroughly charming, and I have accepted an +invitation to take tea at her flat. She is either the wife or the chere +amie of a colonel in the Brandenburgers, I could not make out which. +Luckily the gallant "Cockchafer" is at the moment on the La Bassee +sector, where I was interested to observe that heavy fighting has +broken out to-day. I must console the fair Zoe! + +Both Karl and Adolf got rather drunk, Adolf hopelessly so, but I, as +usual, was hardly affected. I have a head of iron, provided the liquor +is good, and _I_ saw to that point. + + * * * * * + +We were sailing, or rather going down the canal to Zeebrugge on Friday, +but the starting resistance of the port main motor burnt out and we +were delayed till Sunday, as they will fit a new one. + +I must confess the organization for repair work here is admirable, as +very little is done by the crews in the U-boats, all work being carried +out by the permanent staff, who are quartered at Bruges docks. Taking +advantage of the delay I called on Zoe Stein, as I find she is named. + +It appears she is _not_ married to Colonel Stein. She told me he was +fat and ugly, and laughed a good deal about him. She showed me his +photograph, and certainly he is no beauty. However, he must be a man of +means, as he has given her a charming flat, beautifully decorated with +water-colours which the Colonel salved from the French chateau in the +early days--these army fellows had all the chances. + +I bade an affectionate farewell to Zoe, and I trust Stein will be still +busily engaged at La Bassee when I return in a fortnight's time! I am +greatly obliged to Karl for the introduction, and told him so; he +himself is running after a little grass widow whose husband has been +missing for some months. I think Karl finds it an expensive game; +luckily Zoe seems well supplied with money--the essential ingredient in +a joyous life. + +On Friday night we had an air-raid--a frequent event here, but my first +experience in this line. Unpleasant, but a fine spectacle, considerable +damage done near the docks and an unexploded bomb fell in a street near +our headquarters. + +Two machines (British) brought down in flames. I saw the green balls +[1] for the first time. A most fascinating sight to see them floating +up in waving chains into the vault of heaven; they reminded me of +making daisy chains as a child. + +[Footnote 1: Known as "Flying-onions."] + + + + +_At Zeebrugge_. + + +We are alongside the mole in one of the new submarine shelters that has +been built. + +The boat is under a concrete roof over three feet thick, which would +defy the heaviest bomb. + +We have much improved the port since our arrival. The port, so-called, +is purely artificial, and actually consists of a long mole with a +gentle curve in it, which reaches out to seaward and protects the mouth +of the canal. The tides are very strong up and down the coast, and +constant dredging is carried out to keep 20 feet of water over the sill +at the lock gates. + +On arrival last night we went straight into No. 11 shelter, as an +air-raid was expected, but nothing happened, so I went up to the +"Flandre," which seems to be the best hotel here, full of submarine +people, and I heard many interesting stories. There seems no doubt this +U-boat war is dangerous work; I find the U.C. boats are beginning to be +called the Suicide Club, after the famous English story of that name, +which, curiously enough, I saw on the kinematograph at Frankfurt last +leave. We Germans are extraordinarily broad-minded; I doubt if the +works of German authors are seen on the screens in England or France. + +The news from the West is good, the English are hurling themselves to +destruction against our steel front. We are now to load up with mines. +I must stop writing to superintend this work. + + + + +_At sea. Near the South Dogger Light._ + + +We loaded up the ten mines we carry in an hour and five minutes. They +were lifted from a railway truck by a big crane and delicately lowered +into the mine tubes, of which we have five in the bows. + +The tubes extend from the upper deck of the ship to her keel, and slope +aft to facilitate release. Having completed with fuel at Bruges, we +took in a store of provisions and Alten went up to the Commodore's +office to get our sailing orders. + +We sailed at 6 p.m. and at last I felt I was off. To-day, the 22nd, we +are just north of the South Dogger, steering north-westerly at 9-1/2 +knots. + +The sea is quite calm and everything is very pleasant. Our mission is +to lay a small minefield off Newcastle in the East Coast war channel. I +have, of course, never been to sea for any length of time in a U-boat, +and it is all very novel. + +I find the roar of the Diesel engine very relentless, and last night +slept badly in a wretched bunk, which was a poor substitute for my +lovely quarters in the barracks at Wilhelmshaven. One thing I +appreciate, and that is the food; it is really excellent: fresh milk, +fresh butter, white bread and many other luxuries. + +I have spent most of the day picking up things about the boat. Her +general arrangement is as follows: + +Starting in the bows, mine tubes occupy the centre of the boat, leaving +two narrow passages, one each side. In the port passage is the wireless +cabinet and signal flag lockers, with store rooms underneath. In the +starboard passage are one or two small pumps and the kitchen. + +The next compartment contains four bunks, two each side, these are +occupied by Alten, myself, the engineer, and the Navigating Warrant +Officer. Proceeding further aft one enters the control room, in which +one periscope is situated, and the necessary valves and pumps for +diving the boat. + +The next compartment is the crew space; ten of the company exist here. + +Overhead on each side is the gear for releasing the torpedoes from the +external torpedo tubes, of which we carry one each side. I think we +borrowed this idea from the Russians. + +Then comes the engine-room, an inferno of rattling noises, but +excellent engines, I believe. At the after end of the engine-room are +the two main switchboards, of whose manner of working I am at present +in some ignorance. + +The two main sets of electric motors are underneath the boards, in the +stern, where we have a third torpedo tube. + + * * * * * + +I had hardly written the above words when a message came that the +captain would like me to come to the bridge. + +I went up in a leisurely fashion, through the conning tower, which is +over the control room, and reported myself. He indicated a low-lying +patch of smoke on the horizon far away on the starboard bow. I was +obliged to confess that it conveyed nothing to me, when he aroused my +intense interest by stating that it was, without doubt, being emitted +from a British submarine, who are known to frequent these waters. He +was proceeding away from us, and was, even then, six or seven miles +away, so an attack was out of the question. The engineer, who had +joined us, drew my attention to the thin wisp of almost invisible +blue-grey smoke from our own stern. The contrast was certainly +striking! + +Over dinner I gave it as my opinion that the British boats were pretty +useless. Alten would not agree, and stated that, though in certain +technical aspects they were in a position of inferiority, yet in +personnel and skill in attacking they were fully our equals. He seemed +to hold them in considerable respect, and he remarked that, when making +a passage, he was more anxious on their account than in any other way. +He informed me that, on the last passage he made, he was attacked by a +British boat which he never saw, the only indication he received being +a torpedo which jumped out of the water almost over his tail. Luckily +it was very rough at the time, which made the torpedo run erratically, +otherwise they would undoubtedly have been hit. + +What appeared to astonish him was the fact that the British boat had +been able to make an attack in such weather. We are now charging on one +engine, 500 amperes on each half-battery. + + * * * * * + +We are due back at Zeebrugge at 10 p.m. to-night. We should have been +in at dawn to-day, but we received a wireless from the senior officer, +Zeebrugge, to say that mine-laying was suspected, and we were to wait +till the "Q.R." channel, from the Blankenberg buoy, had been swept. We +lay in the bottom for eight hours, a few miles from the western end of +the channel. + +Our trip was quite successful, but not without certain excitements. + +On the night of the 23rd we passed fairly close to a fishing fleet on +the Dogger Bank, and saw the lights of several steamers in the +distance. As our first business was to lay our mines in the appointed +place, we did not worry them. + +We burnt usual navigation lights, or rather side lights which appear to +be usual, except that, by a little fitting which Alten has made +himself, the arcs of bearing on which the lights show can be changed at +will. His idea is that, should we appear to be approaching a steamer +which he wishes to avoid, in many cases, by shining a little more or +less red and green light, we can make her think that we are a steamer +on such a course that it is her duty by the rules of the road to keep +clear of us. + +He tells me it has worked on several occasions, and he has also found +it useful to have two small auxiliary side lights fitted which are the +wrong colours for the sides they are on. It is, of course, only neutral +shipping which carry lights nowadays, though Alten says that many +British ships are still incredibly careless in the matter of lights. + +However, to resume my account of what happened. We reached our position +at dawn or slightly after, the weather was beautifully calm and the sea +like glass. As we were only three miles from the English coast, and +close to the mouth of the Tyne, we were extraordinarily lucky to have +nothing in sight, if one excepts a long smudge of smoke which trailed +across the horizon to the southward. + +The land itself was obscured by early morning banks of mist, yet +everything was so still that we actually faintly heard the whistle of a +train. I could hardly restrain from suggesting to Alten that we should +elevate the 10-cm. gun to fifteen degrees and fire a few rounds on to +"proud Albion's virgin shores," but I did not do so as I felt fairly +certain that he would not approve, and I do not wish to lay myself open +to rebuffs from him after his behaviour concerning the smoking +incident. I boil with rage at the thought, but again I digress. + +The fact that the land was obscured was favourable from the point of +view that we were not worried by coast watchers, but unfavourable from +the standpoint that we were unable to take bearings of anything and so +ascertain our exact position. + +The importance of this point in submarine mine-laying is obvious, for, +owing to our small cargo of eggs, it is quite possible that we may be +sent here again, to lay an adjacent field, in which case it is highly +desirable to know the exact position of one's previous effort. + +[Illustration: "Steering north-westerly...; to lay a small minefield +off Newcastle."] + +[Illustration: "He had suddenly seen the bow waves of a destroyer +approaching at full speed to ram."] + +We were somewhat assisted in our efforts to locate ourselves by the +fact that a seven-fathom patch existed exactly where we had to lay. We +picked up the edge of this bank with our sounding machine, and steering +north half a mile, laid our mines in latitude--No! on second thoughts I +will omit the precise position, for, though I shall take every +precaution, there is no saying that through some misfortune this +Journal might not get into the wrong hands. + +I am very glad I decided to keep these notes, as I shall take much +pleasure in reading them when Victory crowns our efforts and the joys +of a peaceful life return. + +I found it a delightful sensation being so close to the enemy coast, in +his territorial waters, in fact. For the first time since the Skajerack +battle I experienced the personal joys of war, the sensation of +intimate and successful contact with the enemy, and the most hated +enemy at that. + +We had hardly finished laying our eggs when a droning noise was heard. +With marvellous celerity we dived, that damned fellow Alten, who, under +these circumstances leaves the bridge last, treading on my fingers as +he followed me down the conning tower ladder. + +The engineer endeavoured to sympathize with me, and made some idiotic +remark about my being quicker when I had had more practice. I bit his +head off. I can't stand this hail-fellow-well-met attitude in these +U.C. boats, from any lout dressed in an officer's uniform. They +wouldn't be holding commissions if it wasn't for the war, and they +should remember that fact. I suppose they think I'm stand-offish. Well, +if they had my family tree behind them they would understand. + +We dived to sixty feet, and then came up to twenty. Alten looked +through the periscope, and then invited me to look. Curiosity impelled +me to accept this favour and, putting the focussing lever to +"skyscrape" I swept round the sky. + +At last I saw him; he was a small gas-bag of diminutive size, beneath +which was suspended a little car, the most ridiculous little travesty +of an airship I have ever seen. He was nosing along at about 800 feet +and making about 40 knots. + +Suddenly he must have seen the wake of our periscope, for he turned +towards us. Simultaneously Alten, from the conning tower (I was using +the other periscope in the control room), ordered the boat to sixty +feet, and put the helm hard over. + +We had turned sixteen points, [1] and in about two minutes heard a +series of reports right astern of us. It was evident that our ruse had +succeeded and that he had overshot the mark. + +[Footnote 1: 180 degrees] + +Inside the boat one felt a slight jar as each bomb went off. + +We gradually came round to our proper course, and cruised all day +submerged at dead slow speed. Every time we lifted our periscope he was +still hanging about sufficiently close to make it foolish for us to +come to the surface. + +Towards noon a group of trawlers, doubtless summoned by wireless, +appeared, and proceeded to wander about. These seemed to concern Alten +far more than the airship, and he informed me that from their, to me, +aimless movements he deduced they were hunting for us by hydroplanes. +Occasionally we lay on the bottom in nineteen fathoms. + +By 4 p.m. the atmosphere was becoming rather unpleasant and hot, and +gradually we took off more clothes. Curiously enough, I longed for a +smoke, but wild horses would not have made me ask Alten for permission. + +At 8 p.m. it was sufficiently dark to enable us to rise, which gave me +great pleasure, though the first rush of fresh air down the hatch made +me vomit after hours of breathing the vitiated muck. On coming to the +surface we saw nothing in sight, but a breeze had sprung up which +caused spray to break over the bridge as we chugged along at 9 knots. + +Everyone was in high spirits, as always on the return journey, when the +mind turns to the Fatherland and all it holds. + +My mind turns to Zoe. I confess it to myself frankly. I hardly realized +to what extent this woman had begun to influence me until we received +the wireless signal ordering us to delay entering for twelve hours. The +receipt of this news, trivial though the delay has been, threw a mantle +of gloom over the crew. I participated in the depression and, upon +thought, rather wondered that this should be so. Self-analysis on the +lines laid down by Schessmanweil [1] revealed to me that the basis of +my annoyance is the fact that my next meeting with Zoe is deferred! I +feel instinctively that I shall have trouble here, and that I had +better haul off a lee shore whilst there is manoeuvring room, and +yet--and yet I secretly rejoice that every revolution of the propeller, +every clank and rattle of the Diesels brings us closer together. + +[Footnote 1: Apparently some German author, of obscure origin, as I +cannot find him in any book of reference.--ETIENNE.] + +Alten has just come down from the bridge, and we chatted for some +moments; it is evident that he wishes to apologize for his rudeness +over the smoking incident. + +I was in error, I admit it frankly; at the same time I did not know +that the battery was on charge, and to dash a match from my hand! I +could have shot him where he stood. However, I am not vindictive, and +as far as I am concerned the incident is ended. + +One thing I find trying in this small boat, and that is that I can +find no space in which to do half my Mueller exercises, the leg- +and-arm-swinging ones. I must see whether I can't invent a set of +U-boat exercises! + +Good! in two hours we reach the Mole-end light buoy. + + * * * * * + +_Submarine Mess, Bruges._ + + +It is midnight, and as I write in my room at the top of the house the +low rumble of the guns from the south-west vibrates faintly through the +open window, for it is extraordinarily warm for the time of year, and I +have flung back the curtains and risked the light shining. + +We spent the night at Zeebrugge and came up to the docks here next day. +We shall probably be in for a week, and I am on four days' "extended +absence from the boat," which practically means that I can go where I +like in the neighbourhood provided I am handy to a telephone. + +After a short inward struggle I rang Zoe up on the telephone; +fortunately I did not call first. + +A man's voice answered, and for a moment I was dumbfounded. I guessed +at once it was the Colonel, and I had counted so confidently on his +being still away at the front. + +For an instant I felt speechless, an impulse came to me to ring off +without further ado, but I restrained myself, and then a fine idea came +into my head. + +"Who is that?" I said. + +"Colonel Stein!" replied the voice, and my fears were confirmed, but my +plan of campaign held good. + +"I am speaking," I continued, "on behalf of Lieutenant Von +Schenk----" + +"Ah, yes!" growled the voice, and for an instant a panic seized me, but +I resumed: + +"He met Madame Stein at dinner some days ago, and she kindly asked him +to call; he has asked me to ring up and inquire when it would be +convenient, as he would like to meet you, sir, as well. He has been +unable to ring up himself, as he was sent away from Bruges on duty +early this morning." + +I smiled to myself at this little lie and listened. + +"Your friend had better call to-morrow then, for I leave to-morrow +evening for the Somme front; will you tell him?" + +I replied that I would, and left the telephone well satisfied, but +cursing the fates that made it advisable to keep clear of No. 10, +Kafelle Strasse for thirty-six hours. Needless to say next day I rang +up again in order to tell the Colonel that Lieutenant Schenk had +apparently been detained, as he was not yet back in Bruges, and how I +felt sure that he would be sorry at missing the Colonel, etc., etc., +but all this camouflage was unnecessary, as she herself came to the +'phone. I could have kissed the instrument when I told her of my +stratagem and heard her silvery laughter in my ear. + +"It is arranged that to-morrow, starting at 10.30, we motor for the day +to the Forest of Meten, taking our lunch and tea with us--pray Heaven +the weather holds." + +To-night in the Mess it is generally considered that U.B.40 has been +lost; she is ten days overdue and was operating off Havre, she has made +no signal for a fortnight. Such is the price of victory and the cost of +war--death, perhaps, in some terrible form, but bah! away with such +thoughts, to-morrow there is love and life and Zoe! + + * * * * * + +Once more it is night, still the guns rumble on the same old dismal +tones, and as it is raining now it must be getting bad up at the front. +Except for the rain it might have been last night, but much has +happened to me in the meanwhile. + +To-day in the forest by Ruysslede I found that I loved Zoe, loved her +as I have never yet loved woman, loved her with my soul and all that is +me. + +The day was gloriously fine when we started, and an hour's run took us +to the forest. We left the car at an inn and wandered down one of the +glades. + +I carried the basket and we strolled on and on until we found a +suitable place deep in the heart of the forest. + +I have the sailor's love for woods, for their depths, their shadows, +their mysteries, which are so vivid a contrast to the monotony of the +sea, with the everlasting circle of the horizon and the half-bowl of +the heavens above. + +In the forest to-day, though the leaves had turned to gold and red and +brown, the beeches were still well covered, and overhead we were tented +with a russet canopy. + +I say, at last we found a spot, or rather Zoe, who, with girlish +pleasure in the adventure, had run ahead, called to me, and as I write +I seem to hear the echoes of "Karl! Karl!" which rang through the wood. +When I came up to her she proudly pointed to the place she had found. + +It was ideal. An outcrop of rock formed a miniature Matterhorn in the +forest, and beneath its shelter with the old trees as silent witnesses +we sat and joked and laughed, and made twenty attempts to light a fire. + +After lunch, a little incident happened which had an enormous effect on +me; Zoe asked me whether I would mind if she smoked. + +How many women in these days would think of doing that? And yet, had +she but known it, I am still sufficiently old-fashioned to appreciate +the implied respect for any possible prejudices which was contained in +her request. + +After lunch, I asked her a question to which I dreaded the answer. + +I asked her whether, now that the old Colonel had gone to the Somme, +whether that meant that she would be leaving Bruges. + +She laughed and teasingly said: "Quien sabe, senor," but seeing my real +anxiety on this point, she assured me that she was not leaving for the +present. The Colonel, she said, had a strange belief that once a man +had served on the Flanders Front, and especially on the Ypres salient, +he always came back to die there. + +It appears that the Colonel has done fourteen months' service on the +salient alone, and is firmly convinced he will end his career on that +great burial ground. As we were talking about the Colonel I longed to +ask her how she had met him, and perhaps find out why she lives with +him, for I cannot believe she loves him, but I did not dare. + +Strangely enough I found that a curious shyness had taken hold of me +with regard to Zoe. + +I said to myself, "Fool! you are alone with her, you long to kiss her; +you have kissed her, first at the dinner-party, secondly when you said +good-bye at her flat," and yet to-day it was different. + +Then I was kissing a pretty woman, I was on the eve of a dangerous +life, and I was simply extracting the animal pleasures whilst I lived. + +To-day it was a case of Zoe, the personality I loved; I still longed to +kiss her, but I wanted to have the unquestioned right to kiss her, as +much as I wanted the kisses. + +I wanted to have her for my own, away from the contaminating ownership +of the old Colonel, and I determined to get her. + +I think she noticed the changed attitude on my part, and perhaps she +felt herself that a subtle change in our relationship had taken place, +and whilst I meditated on these things she fell into a doze at my side. + +I was sitting slightly above her, smoking to keep the midges away, and +as I looked down on her childish figure a great tenderness for her +filled my mind. She is very beautiful and to me desirable above all +women; I can see her as she lay there trustfully at my feet. I will +describe her, and then, when I get her photograph, I will read this +when I am far away on a trip. + +She is of average height, for I am just over six feet and she reaches +to just above my shoulder. Her hair is gloriously thick and of a deep +black colour, and lies low on her forehead. Her complexion is of the +purest whiteness beyond compare, which but accentuates the red warmth +of the lips which encircle her little mouth. Her figure is slight and +her ankles are my delight, but her crowning glories, which I have +purposely left till last, are her eyes. + +I feel I could lose my soul; I have lost it, if I have one, in the +violet depths of those eyes, which were veiled as she slept by the long +black eyelashes which curled up delicately as they rested on her +cheeks. I have re-read this description, and it is oh, so unsatisfying; +would I had the pen of a Goethe or a Shakespeare, yet for want of more +skill the description shall stand. + +How I long for her to be mine, and yet, unfortunate that I am, I cannot +for certain declare that she loves me. + +A thousand doubts arise. I torment myself with recollections of her +behaviour at the dinner-party, when within two hours of our first +meeting she gave me her lips. + +Yet did I not first roughly kiss her as we danced? + +I find consolation in the fact that, though she has said nothing, yet +her conduct to-day was different. She was so quiet after tea as we +wandered back through the forests with the setting sun striking golden +beams aslant the tree trunks. + +Before we left I sang to her Tchaikowsky's beautiful song, "To the +Forest," and I think she was pleased, for I may say with justice that +my voice is of high quality for an amateur, and the song goes well +without an accompaniment, whilst the atmosphere and surroundings were +ideal. + +There was only one jarring note in a perfect day; when we returned to +the car the chauffeur permitted himself a sardonic grin. Zoe +unfortunately saw it and blushed scarlet. + +I could have struck him on his impudent mouth, but for her sake I +judged it advisable to notice nothing. + +I feel I could go on writing about her all night, but it is nearly 2 +a.m. I must get some sleep. + +The guns rumble steadily in the south-west, and the sky is lit by their +flashes; may the fighting on the Somme be bloody these coming days. + + + + +[_Probably about ten days later.--Etienne._] + + +We leave to-night, having had a longer spell than usual. I am in a +distracted state of mind. Since our glorious day in the forest I have +seen her nearly every afternoon, though twice that swine Alten has kept +me in the boat in connection with some replacements of the battery. + +I have found out that, like me, she is intensely musical. She plays +beautifully on the piano, and we had long hours together playing Chopin +and Beethoven; we also played some of Moussorgsky's duets, but I love +her best when she plays Chopin, the composer pre-eminent of love and +passion. + +She has masses of music, as the Colonel gives her what she likes. We +also played a lot of Debussy. At first I demurred at playing a living +French composer's works, but she pouted and looked so adorable that all +my scruples vanished in an instant, so we closed all the doors and she +played it for hours very softly whilst I forgot the war and all its +horrors and remembered only that I was with the well-beloved girl. + +The Colonel writes from Thiepval, where the British are pouring out +their blood like water. He writes very interesting letters, and has had +many narrow escapes, but unfortunately he seems to bear a charmed life. +His letters are full of details, and I wonder he gets them past the +Field Censorship, but I suppose he censors his own. + +She laughs at them and calls them her Colonel's dispatches; she says he +is so accustomed to writing official reports that the poor old man +can't write an ordinary letter. + +I told her that I thought the way he mentioned regiments and +dispositions rather indiscreet, and she agrees, but she says he has +asked her to keep them, with a view to forming a collection of letters +written from the front whilst the incidents he describes are vivid in +his mind. I suppose the old ass knows his own business, and one day the +collection may be completed by a telegram "Regretting to announce, etc. +etc." The sooner the better. + +So the days passed pleasantly enough, and never by a gesture or word of +mouth did she show that I was more to her than any other pleasant young +man. + +I kissed her when I arrived, I kissed her when I left, each day was the +same. She would put her arms round my neck and look long and deeply +into my eyes, then she would gently kiss my lips. Not an atom of +emotion! not a spark from the fires which I feel must be raging beneath +that diabolically [1] extraordinary [1] amazingly calm exterior. + +[Footnote 1: These words are crossed out.--ETIENNE.] + +On ordinary subjects she would chatter vivaciously enough and she can +talk in a fascinating manner on every subject I care to bring up, but +as soon as I drew the conversation round to a personal line she +gradually became more silent and a far-away and distant look came into +those wonderful eyes. + +I have found out nothing about her beyond the fact that she has +travelled all over Europe. I don't even know how old she is, but I +should guess twenty-six. + +I tried to find out a few details by means of discreet remarks at the +Club and elsewhere. + +She simply arrived here about a year ago--as a singer, and met the +Colonel--beyond that, all is mystery. Everything about her attracts me +powerfully, and this mystery adds subtleties to her charms. + +This afternoon I went to say good-bye; I told her we were leaving +"shortly," and she gently reproved me for disobeying the order which +forbids discussion of movements, but I could see she was not greatly +displeased. + +After tea she played to me, music of the modern Russian +school--Arensky, Sibelius and Pilsuki; a storm was brewing and we both +felt sad. + +She played for an hour or so, and then came and sat by me on a low +divan by the fire. We were silent for a long while in the gathering +gloom, whilst a thousand thoughts chased each other swiftly through my +brain, as I endeavoured to summon up courage to say what I had +determined I must say before I left her, perhaps for ever. + +At last, when only her profile was visible against the glow of the +logs, I spoke. + +I told her quietly, calmly and almost dispassionately that I had grown +to love her and that to me she was life itself. I told her that I had +tried not to speak until I could endure no longer. + +She sat very still as I spoke, and when I had finished there was a long +silence and I gently stretched out my hand and stroked her lovely black +hair. At last she rose and with averted face walked across the room, +and stood looking at the storm through the big bow windows. I watched +her, but did not dare follow. + +At length she returned to me, and I saw what I had instinctively known +the whole time--that she had been crying. I could not think why. + +She put her arms round my neck, kissed me on the forehead and murmured, +"Poor Karl." + +I felt crushed; I dared not move for fear of breaking the magic of the +moment, yet I longed to know more; I felt overwhelmed by some colossal +mystery that seemed to be enveloping me in its folds. Why did she pity +me? Why did she weep? Why didn't she answer my avowal? Why didn't she +tell me something? Such were some of the problems that perplexed me. + +It was thus when the clock chimed seven. I told her that my leave was +up at seven o'clock, and that at 7.15 I had to be back on board the +boat. She remembered this, and in an instant the past quarter of an +hour might never have existed. She was all agitation and nervousness +lest I should be late on board--though at the moment I would have +cheerfully missed the boat to hear her say she loved me. + +I tried to protest, but in vain. With feminine quickness she utilized +the incident to avoid a situation she evidently found full of +difficulty, and at 7.10, with the memory of a light kiss on my lips and +her God-speed in my ears I was in a taxi driving to the docks in a +blinding rain-storm--and we sail to-night. + +For five, six, seven, perhaps ten days at the least, and at the most +for ever, I am doomed to be away from her and without news of her. And +I don't even know whether she loves me! + +I think I can say she cares for me up to a certain point, but I want +more. + + "Oh Zoe! of the violet eyes, + And hair of blackest night + Thy lips are brightest crimson, + Thy skin is dazzling white. + + "Oh! lay your head upon my breast, + And lift your lips to mine; + Then murmur in soft breathings, + Drink deep from what is thine. + + "Then let the war rage onward, + Let kingdoms rise and fall; + To each shall be the other, + Their life, their hope, their all." + +[Footnote: I am indebted to Commander C. C. for the above rough +translation of Karl's effusion.--ETIENNE.] + + + + +_At sea._ + + +We are bound for the same old spot as last time. + +Alten must have been drinking like a fish lately; his breath smells +like a distillery; he is apparently partial to schnapps, which he gets +easily in Bruges. + +I can't help admiring the man, as he is a rigid teetotaller at sea, +though he must find the strain well nigh intolerable, judging from the +condition he was in when he came on board last night. He was really +totally unfit to take charge of the boat, and I virtually took her down +the canal, though with sottish obstinacy he insisted on remaining on +the bridge. + +This morning, though his complexion was a hideous yellow colour, he +seems quite all right. I shall play a little trick on him at dinner +to-night. + +I have begun to get to know some of the crew by now; they are a fine +lot of youngsters with a seasoning of half a dozen older men. The +coxswain, Schmitt by name, is a splendid old petty officer who has been +in the U-boat service since 1911. + +His favourite enjoyment is to spin yarns to the younger members of the +crew, who know of his weakness and play up to it. + +He has a favourite expression which runs thus: + +"His Majesty the Kaiser said Germany's future lies on the sea; I say +Germany's future lies under the sea." + +He is inordinately fond of this statement, and the youngsters +continually say: "What made you take to U-boat work, Schmitt?" and the +invariable reply is as above. When he has been asked the question about +half a dozen times in the course of a day, he is liable to become +suspicious, and if his questioner is within range Schmitt stares at him +for a few seconds in an absent-minded way, then an arm like that of a +gorilla shoots out, and the quizzer (_Untersucher_) receives a +resounding box on the ears to the huge delight of his companions. The +old man then permits his iron-lipped mouth to relax into a caustic +smile, after which he is left in peace for some time. + +At the wheel he is an artist, for he seems to divine what the next +order is going to be, or if he is steering her on a course he predicts +the direction of the next wave even as a skilful chess player works out +the moves ahead. + + * * * * * + +I am rather weary and ought to go to bed, but before I lose the savour +I must record the splendid fun I had with Alten at dinner. + +We were dining alone, as the navigator was on the bridge, and the +engineer was busy with a slight leak in the cooking water service. I +have said that, though a heavy drinker by nature, Alten is a strict +abstainer at sea. Accordingly I produced a small flask of rum, half-way +through dinner, and helped myself to a liberal tot, placing the liquor +between us on the table. As the sight met his eyes and the aroma +greeted his nostrils, a gleam of joy flashed across his face, to be +succeeded by a frown. + +With an amiable smile I proffered the flask to him, remarking at the +same time: "You don't drink at sea, do you?" + +In a thick voice he muttered, "No! Yes--no! thank you." + +With an air of having noticed nothing, I resumed my meal, but out of +the corner of my eye I watched his left hand on the table near the +flask. It was most interesting, all the veins stood out like ropes, and +his knuckles almost burst through the skin. + +This went on for about thirty seconds, when he choked out something +about needing a breath of fresh air. As he got up his face was brick +red, and I almost thought he'd have a fit. + +Whether by accident or design he pulled the cloth as he got out from +between the settee and the table and upset the flask. + +He was apparently incapable of apologizing, for he rushed up on deck. + +A few minutes later the navigating officer came down and asked what was +up? + +I said: "What do you mean?" + +He said: "Well, the Captain came up just now, swearing like a trooper, +and told me to get to the devil out of it; it didn't seem advisable to +question him, so I got out of it and came down." + +I expressed my opinion that the Captain must be feeling sea-sick and +was ashamed to say so. I also suggested to the navigator that he should +take the Captain a little brandy in case he was not feeling well, but +the navigator declared he was going to stay down in the warmth till he +was sent for. Alten is a great coarse brute. Fancy allowing a material +substance such as alcohol to grip one's mentality. + +Thank Heaven I have nerves of iron; nothing would affect me! + +And now to bed, though I must just read my account of our day in the +forest. Darling girl, may I dream of thee. + + * * * * * + +We laid our mines without trouble at 5 a.m. this morning, though at +midnight we had a most unpleasant experience. + +I was asleep, as it was my morning watch, when I was awakened by the +harsh rattle of the diving alarms. + +The Diesel subsided with a few spasmodic coughs into silence, and as I +jumped out of my bunk and groped for my short sea boots, the navigator +and helmsman came tumbling down the conning tower, with the navigator +shouting, "Take her down," as hard as you like. + +The men at the planes had them "hard-to-dive" in an instant. + +The vents had been opened as the hooters sounded, and Alten, who had +jumped into the control room, immediately rang down, "All out on the +electric motors." + +In thirty seconds from the original alarm we were at an angle of twenty +degrees down by the bow, and I had sat down heavily on the battery +boards, completely surprised by the sudden tilt of the deck. + +It occurred to me that the air was escaping through the vents with a +strangely loud noise, but before I could consider the matter further or +even inquire the reason for this sudden dive, the noise increased to a +terrifying extent, and whilst I prepared myself for the worst it +culminated into a roar as of fifty express trains going through a +tunnel, mingled with the noise of a high-powered aeroplane engine. + +The roar drummed and beat and shook the boat, then died away as +suddenly as it came; a moment later there was a severe jar. We had +struck the bottom, still maintaining our angle. + +I painfully got to my feet and then discovered from the navigator that +he had suddenly seen two white patches of foam 800 yards on the +starboard bow, which resolved themselves into the bow waves of a +destroyer approaching at full speed to ram. + +We had dived just in time, and her knife-edged bow, driven by 30,000 +horse power, had slid through the water a very few feet above our +conning tower. + +Luckily he had not dropped any depth charges. We were not, however, +completely free of our troubles, though we had cheated the destroyer. + +Examination of the chart, showed the bottom to be mud, and on +attempting to move the foremost hydroplanes, the plane motor fuses blew +out. This showed that the boat was buried in the mud right up to her +foremost planes, which were immovable. + +The hydrophone watchkeeper reported that he could still hear +fast-running propellers, though probably some distance away, and as +this showed that our old enemy was still nosing about we were very +anxious not to break surface. We just blew "A." [1] At least we started +to blow "A," but Alten wisely decided that, as it was a calm night with +a half-moon, the bubbles on the surface might be rather conspicuous, so +we stopped the blow and put the pump on. We also flooded "W". [2] This +had no effect on her at all. + +[Footnote 1: Probably their foremost internal tank.--ETIENNE.] + +[Footnote 2: Presumably their after internal tank.--ETIENNE.] + +We then pumped out "Q" and "P," leaving "W" full, and adjusted our trim +to give her only three tons negative buoyancy, just enough to keep us +on the bottom if she came out of the mud. + +In this position we went full speed astern on the motors, 1,500 amps on +each, and all the crew in the after-compartment. No result. We then +pumped the outer diving tanks on the port side to give her a list to +starboard. Still she remained fixed. + +So at 2 a.m. we decided to risk it and we put a slow blow on all tanks. + +When she had about fifty tons positive buoyancy she suddenly bucketed +up, and, as the motors were running full speed astern at the time, we +came up and broke surface stern first. In a few seconds we were trimmed +down again, and as a precautionary measure we proceeded for a couple of +miles at twenty metres, when, coming up to periscope depth, we +surfaced, and finding all clear we proceeded. We were put down by a +trawler at dawn, though she never saw us. After half an hour's hanging +about she moved off, which was lucky, as she was right on our billet. + +We are now proceeding to a spot somewhat to the eastward of Cape St. +Abbs, [3] as we have instructions to do a two-days patrol here and sink +shipping. + +[Footnote 3: St. Abbs Head.--ETIENNE] + +We ought to start business to-morrow morning. + + * * * * * + +We should be in to-night, then for my little Zoe! + +But I must record what we have done. Already I am getting much pleasure +from reading my diary. Strange how it amuses one to see little bits of +oneself on paper, and the less garnished and franker the truths the +more entertaining it is. + +[Illustration: "The torpedo had jumped clean out of the water a hundred +yards short of the steamer and had then dived under her."] + +[Illustration: "We were put down by a trawler at dawn."] + +[Illustration: A moment later there was a severe jar; we had struck +the bottom] + +The hours here are so long and boring at times that I feel I want to +talk intimately with someone. Failing Zoe I turn to my notebooks. + +The first steamer we sighted raised high hopes, at least her smoke did, +for we saw enough smoke on the horizon to make us think we were to see +the Grand Fleet, and we promptly dived. We cruised towards her for +about half an hour, and then hung about where we were, as we found that +her course would take the ship close to us. + +As the situation developed, Alten, who was up in the conning tower at +the "A" periscope, gave us a certain amount of information, and we +gathered that all this smoke was pouring out of the pipe-stem tunnel of +a wretched little English tramp. + +I found it most irritating, standing in the control room (my action +station) and not knowing what was going on. + +There is only one good job in a submarine and that is the Captain's. He +knows and decides everything. The rest of us are in his hands and take +things on trust. I object on principle to my life being held in Alten's +hands. It is all very well for the crew, for, to start with, they have +no imagination, and to most of them their mental horizon stops at the +walls of the boat. Secondly, they have the consolation of mechanical +activities; they make and break switches and open and close +valves--they work with their hands. An officer has imagination, and +only works with his head. + +As we attacked the steamer, all one heard was murmurs from Alten, such +as: "Raise!" "Lower!" "Take her down to ten metres!" "Half speed!" +"Slow!" "Bring her up to five metres!" "Raise!" "Lower!" + +I endeavoured to simulate an air of unconcern which I was far from +feeling. + +Not that I was a prey to physical fear; I flatter myself it is so far +unknown to me, and there was no great danger, but simply that I longed +to know what was happening. At length I heard the welcome order: + +"Starboard tube. Stand by!" + +Which was followed almost immediately by the order: "Fire!" + +There was a kind of coughing grunt, and the starboard torpedo proceeded +on its errand of destruction. + +Every ear was strained for the sound of the explosion, but all we were +vouchsafed was a torrent of blasphemy from Alten. + +The torpedo had jumped clean out of the water a hundred yards short of +the steamer, and had then evidently dived under the ship; so I gathered +later when Alten had calmed down somewhat. We were about to surface and +give her the gun, when luckily Alten took a good sweep round with the +skyscraper and discovered one of those wretched little airships about a +mile away, coming towards the steamer, which was wailing piteously, on +her syren. + +As the chart showed forty metres we decided to bottom and have lunch. + +Over lunch we discussed the misadventure. Alten was loud in his curses +of Tanzerman (the torpedo lieutenant at Bruges), from whom he had got +the torpedo in guaranteed good condition only forty-eight hours before +we sailed. He launched forth into a tirade against the torpedo staff at +Bruges, and, warming to his subject, he roundly abused the whole of the +depot personnel, whom he stigmatized as a set of hard-drinking, +shore-loafing ruffians, who were incapable of realizing that they +existed for the benefit of the boats' personnel and "material." + +I naturally disagreed, and did so the more readily that I +conscientiously disagree with him. I find that there is a tendency on +the part of some of these submarine officers, who have been U-boating a +long time, to get into narrow grooves. Most reserve officers are not +like this, as they have only been in during the war. Alten is an +exception; he left the Hamburg-Amerika on two years' half pay in 1912, +and was, of course, kept on in 1914. After all, the depot staff are +Germans, and as such labour for the Fatherland, and though their work +in office and workship is not so dangerous as ours, on the other hand +they have not got the stimulation before their eyes, of glory to be +gained. Personally I am of the opinion that the torpedo broke surface +because, being fired from the outside tubes, it probably started too +shallow, dived deep, recovered shallow and dived deep, broke surface +and dived very deep. A sticky motor or sluggish weight would give this +effect. + +And are these external tubes water-tight? Theoretically, yes, but what +of practice? We have been down to forty metres several times during +this trip, and not once have we had a chance on the surface of getting +at the two external tubes; add to which our depth gear, with the pivots +of the weight exposed to water if the tube does flood and then you have +rust, corrosion and heaven knows what complications. + +I saw a British Mark 11.50 torpedo at the torpedo shop at Bruges the +other day, and I was much struck with their deep depth gear, which is +of the unrestrained Uhlan type, i.e., weight and valve interdependent. +But then the main feature is that the whole gear is contained in a +separate water-tight chamber. + +Our system is certainly a great saving in space, and is much neater in +design, whilst I prefer the Uhlan principle of valve conjuncting with +weight, but it would be interesting to know whether the British have +much trouble with the depth-keeping of their torpedo. + +I have written quite a disquisition on depth gears; I must get on with +my record of events. + +After lunch we had a good look round, but the small airship was still +hanging about, flying slowly in large circles. + +We were rather surprised to meet one of these despicable little +sausages or "Zeppelin's Spawn," as the navigator calls them, so far +from land, and at dark we surfaced and proceeded on one engine on an +easterly course, charging the battery right up with the other engine. + +Dawn revealed a blank horizon, not a vestige of mast, funnel or smoke +in sight. + +We ambled along in fine though cold weather, and I took advantage of +the peacefulness of everything to do a really good series of Mueller on +the upper deck, stripped to the waist, and allowed the keen air to play +its invigorating currents on my torso. + +Alten silently watched me from the conning tower, with a sneering +expression on his face. The navigator, who is quite a decent youngster, +though of no family, was, I could plainly see, struck by my +development, and asked to be initiated into the series of exercises. I +agreed willingly enough to show them to him. I will confess I wish Zoe +could have seen me as I perspired with healthy exercise. + +At about 11 a.m. a couple of masts, then two more, then another, +appeared above the horizon. The visibility was extreme, so we at once +dived and proceeded at full speed, ten metres. + +We had been going thus for perhaps half an hour when Alten remarked +that he would have another look at the convoy. We eased speed, came up +to six metres, and Alten proceeded up into the conning tower to use "A" +periscope. + +He had hardly applied his eye to the lens when he sharply ordered the +boat to ten metres, accompanying this order with another to the motor +room demanding utmost speed (_Ausserste Kraft_). I went up to the +conning tower and found him white with excitement. + +"Look!" he exclaimed, pointing to the periscope, entirely forgetful of +the fact that we were at ten metres. I looked, and of course saw +nothing; furious at the trick I considered he had played on me I turned +on him, to be disarmed by his apology. + +"Sorry! I forgot! The whole British battle cruiser force is there." + +It was now my turn to be excited, and I rushed down to the motor room +determined to give her every amp she would take. The port foremost +motor was sparking like the devil, rings of cursed sparks shooting +round the commutator, but this was no time for ceremony. I relentlessly +ordered the field current to be still further reduced. + +We were actually running with an F.C. of 3.75 amps, [1] for a period, +when the sparking assumed the appearance of a ring of fire and, fearing +a commutator strip would melt, I ordered an F.C. of five amps. + +[Footnote 1: The lower the field current the faster the motor goes. +3.75 is almost incredibly low for a motor of this type--at least +according to British practice.--ETIENNE.] + +We thus passed a quarter of an hour full of strain, the tension of +which was reflected in the attitude of all the men. Alten had announced +his intention of using the stern torpedo tube after his failure in the +morning, and the crew of this tube were crouched at their stations like +a gun's crew in the last few seconds preparatory to opening fire. The +switchboard attendants gripped the regulating rheostatts as if by their +personal efforts they could urge the boat on faster. Old Schmitt, at +the helm, never lifted his eyes from the compass repeater. + +At length: "Slow both!" "Bring her to six metres!" came from the +conning tower, to which place I proceeded to hear the news. + +Slowly the periscope was raised and I held my breath; a groan came from +Alten and he turned away. For a fraction of a second I was almost +pleased at his obvious pain, then, sick with disappointment, I took his +place. + +Yes! it was all over. There they were, and with hungry eyes and +depressed heart I saw five great battle cruisers, of which I recognized +the _Tiger_ with her three great funnels, the _Princess Royal_, _Lion_ +and two others, zigzagging along at 25 knots, at a distance of 12,000 +metres, across our bow. + +They were surrounded by a numerous screen of destroyers and light +cruisers, the former at that range through the periscope appearing as +black smudges. + +It is not often one is permitted such a spectacle in modern war, and I +could not tear myself away from the sight of those great brutes, whom I +had fought when in the _Derflingger_ at Dogger Bank and again when in +the _Koenig_ at Jutland. So near and yet so far, and as they rapidly +drew away so did all the visions of an Iron Cross. As soon as they were +out of sight, we surfaced in order to report what we had seen to +Zeebrugge and Heligoland. + +Everything seemed against us. I had gone on the bridge with the +navigator; Alten, with a face as black as hell, had gone to the +wardroom. About ten minutes elapsed when I heard a fearful altercation +going on below. I stepped down to find the young wireless operator +trembling in front of Alten, who was overwhelming him with a flood of +abuse. As I reached the wardroom, Alten shook his fist in the man's +face and bellowed: + +"Make the d---- thing work, I tell you." + +"Impossible, Captain, the main condenser----" the man began. + +Purple with rage, Alten seized a heavy pair of parallel rulers, and +before I could check him hurled them full in the operator's face. +Bleeding copiously, the youth fell to the deck in a stunned condition. + +It was then, for the first time, that I noticed a half-empty bottle of +spirits on the table, which colossal quantity he must have consumed in +about a quarter of an hour. + +Turning to me, this semi-madman pointed to the wireless operator with +his foot and growled: + +"Have him removed." + +This I did, and then, lowering the periscope, I ordered the boat to +fifteen metres. We proceeded at this depth until 8 p.m., when I was +informed that the Captain was in his bunk and wished to see me. + +I discovered him with his face to the ship's side, and upon my +reporting myself he ordered me, firstly to throw that blasted bottle +overboard (an unnecessary proceeding, as it was empty), and secondly to +surface and shape course for Zeebrugge. + +At midnight he relieved me, apparently perfectly normal. + +The wireless operator has been laid up all day and has a nasty cut on +the head. The navigator, a great scandal-monger, has heard from the +engineer that Alten was speaking to him alone this morning, and the +engineer believes that Alten has given him five hundred marks to say he +fell down a hatch. + +Hooray! Blankenberg buoy has just been reported in sight! Soon I shall +see my Zoe! + + * * * * * + +With what high hopes did I write the last few lines a few hours ago, +and how they were dashed to the ground, for on going into the Mess at +Bruges I found amongst my letters a note from her, which was terrible +in its brevity. She simply said: + + +"DEAR KARL, + +"I am going away for some days, and as I shall be travelling it is no +good giving you an address. To our next meeting! + +"ZOE." + + +How horribly vague; not an indication of her destination, her object, +or the probable length of her absence. Of course I rushed round to the +flat, but found the place shut up. The porter told me she had gone away +with her maid. He couldn't say when she'd be back--if at all! I gave +him ten marks, and he said she might be away a fortnight. If I'd given +him twenty he'd have said a week; he obviously didn't know. + +I feel I could do anything to-night; any mad, evil thing would appeal +to me. + +There is a most fearful uproar coming from the guest-room, where a +large and rowdy party are entertaining the chorus of a travelling +_revue_ company. I saw them when they arrived, horribly common-looking +women, with legs like mine tubes. + + * * * * * + +Another day and still no news; I don't know how I shall stick it. She +might have had the softness of heart to write to me. She knows my +address. + +This evening a letter from the little mother, who asks whether I can +find time to go to Frankfurt when I have leave; at the end of the +letter she mentions that Rosa has joined the Women's Voluntary +Auxiliary Corps of Army Nurses. I suppose she thought she'd like her +photograph taken in some fancy uniform as "Rosa Freinland, one of our +Frankfurt beauties, now on war work!" Holding the patient's hand is +about the only work she intends doing. + +Women as a class are the same the world over. We are well supplied with +English papers in the Mess here; they come regularly from Amsterdam, +and in their pages I see, just as in ours, pictures of the Countess +this and the Lord that, photographed in becoming attitudes doing war +work. It seems agricultural pursuits are the fashion in England at +present--wait till our U-boat war gets its knife well into their fat +guts, it will be more than fashionable to work in the fields then. + +The British Empire is undeniably a great creation, or rather not so +much a creation as a thing arrived at accidentally, but it lacks +solidarity. It sprawls, a confused mass of races and creeds, around the +world. Its very immensity lays it open to attack, it has a dozen +Achilles heels from Ireland to Egypt and South Africa to India. + +I met a man only yesterday who was recently at the propaganda +department of the Foreign Office, and without going into details he +gave me a very good idea of the good work that is going on in Britain's +canker spots. + +Ireland is considered particularly promising to those in the know. + +Now for an agitated night! To think that a girl should disturb me so! + + * * * * * + +Two days have passed, or, rather, dragged their interminable lengths +away, for there is still not a vestige of news. I have been twice to +the flat with no result, except to receive a piece of impertinence from +the porter the last time I was there. + +No news. + + * * * * * + +Still no news, and we sail in forty-eight hours. + + + + +_At sea, off the Isle of Wight_. + + +It is some days since I turned for solace and enjoyment, amidst the +discomforts of this life, to my pen and notebook. + +What strange tricks fate plays with us, and how lucky it is that one +cannot foresee the future. + +Here I am in U.39--but I must start at the beginning. My last entry was +the depressing one of still no news. Well, I have had news, but it was +like a drop of water in the mouth of a parched-up man. Another +agonizing twenty-four hours passed, and I was sitting in my room about +ten o'clock, trying to resign myself to the idea that the next night I +should be starting out for my third trip without news of her, when the +telephone bell rang. I lifted the receiver and to my amazed joy heard a +voice that I could have recognized in a thousand. It was Zoe! + +I was quite incapable of any remark, and my confusion was further +increased when, after a few "Hello's," which I idiotically repeated, +her clear, level tones said: "Is that you, Karl? How are you?" How was +I? What a question to ask! I wanted to tell her that I was bubbling +with joy, that a thousand-kilogramme load had been lifted from my +chest, that my blood was coursing through my veins, that I, usually so +cool, was trembling with excitement, that I could have kissed the +mouthpiece of the humble instrument that linked us together. Yet I was +quite incapable of answering her simple question! I can't imagine what +I expected her to say, for upon reflection her remark was a very +ordinary one, and indeed under the circumstances quite natural, but, as +I say, in actual fact I was tongue-tied. + +I suppose I must have said something, for I next remember her saying: +"Well, you might ask how I am;" and to my horror I realized that she +thought I was being rude! + +My abject apologies were cut short by her tantalizing laugh, and I +understood that the adorable one was teasing me. When at length I made +myself believe that I really was talking to this most elusive and +delightful woman I wasted no time in suggesting that, late though it +was, I might be permitted to go round and see her. She would not permit +this, as she said it would create grave scandal, and the Colonel might +hear about it upon his return. I pleaded hard and urged my departure in +twenty-four hours. + +She was firm and reproved me for discussing movements over the +telephone. She was right; I was a fool to do so; but Zoe destroys all +my caution. However, she said that I might lunch with her next day, and +that she had some new music to play to me. I ventured to ask where she +had been, but this question was plainly unpleasing to my lady, so I +dropped the subject. I blew her a goodnight kiss over the telephone, to +which I think I caught an answer, and then she rang off. + +Ten minutes had not elapsed, when a messenger entered and informed me +that I was wanted at the Commodore's office at once. + +A strange feeling of uneasiness and that of impending misfortune +overcame me. I felt like a naughty school-boy about to interview the +headmaster. + +I followed the messenger into the Commodore's office, and found myself +alone with the great man. He was seated at a huge roll-top desk, which +was the only article of furniture in a room which was to all intents +and purposes papered with large scale charts of the east and south +coasts of England and of the Channel and North Sea. + +The Commodore was sealing an envelope as I came in; he looked up and +saw me, then, without taking any further notice of me, he resumed his +business with the envelope. I felt that I was in the presence of a +personality, and I was, for "Old Man Max" is one of the ten men who +count in the Naval Administration. He had a reading lamp on his desk, +and I remember noticing that the light shining through its green shade +imparted a yellow parchment-like effect to the top of his old bald +head. With dainty care he finished sealing the envelope, then, picking +up a telephone transmitter, he snapped "Admiralty!" In about a minute +he was connected, and to my astonishment I realized that he was talking +to the duty captain of the operations department in Berlin. + +His words chilled my heart, for he said: "Commodore speaking! U.39 +sails at 2 a.m. for operation F.Q.H.--Repeat." + +His words were apparently repeated to his satisfaction, for while I was +vainly endeavouring to convince myself that I was unconnected with the +sailing of U.39, he banged the receiver into place (Old Man Max does +everything in bangs) and snapped at me. + +"You Lieutenant Von Schenk?" + +I admitted I was, and then heard this disgusting news. + +"Kranz, 1st Lieutenant U.39, reported suddenly ill, Zeebrugge, +poisoning--you relieve him. Ship sails in one hour forty minutes from +now--my car leaves here in forty minutes and takes you to Zeebrugge. +Here are operation orders--inform Von Weissman he acknowledges receipt +direct to me on 'phone. That's all." + +He handed me the envelope and I suppose I walked outside--at least I +found myself in the corridor turning the confounded envelope round and +round. For one mad moment I felt like rushing in and saying: "But, sir, +you don't understand I'm lunching with Zoe to-morrow!" + +Then the mental picture which this idea conjured up made me shake with +suppressed laughter and I remembered that war was war and that I had +only thirty-five minutes in which to collect such gear as I had +handy--most of my sea things being in U.C.47--and say goodbye to Zoe. + +I ran to my room and made the corridors echo with shouts for my +faithful Adolf. The excellent man was soon on the scene, and whilst he +stuffed underclothing, towels and other necessary gear into a bag he +had purloined from someone's room, I rang up Zoe. I wasted ten minutes +getting through, but at last I heard a deliciously sleepy voice murmur, +"Who's that?" + +I told her, and added that I was off; to my secret joy, an intensely +disappointed and long-drawn "Oooh!" came over the wire. So she does +care a bit, I thought. Mad ideas of pretending to be suddenly ill +crossed my mind--anything to gain twenty-four hours--but the Fatherland +is above all such considerations, and after some pleasant talk and many +wishes of good luck from the darling girl, with a heavy heart I bade +her good-night. + +The Old Man's car, which is a sixty horse-power Benz, was waiting at +the Mess entrance, and once clear of the sentries we raced down the +flat, well-metalled road to Zeebrugge in a very short time. The guard +at Bruges barrier had 'phoned us through to the Zeebrugge fortified +zone, and we were admitted without delay. In three-quarters of an hour +from my interview with old Max I was scrambling across a row of U-boats +to reach my new ship, U.39. + +I went down the after hatch, reported myself to Von Weissman and +delivered his orders to him, of which he acknowledged receipt direct to +the Commodore according to instructions. Von Weissman is a very +different stamp of man to Alten; of medium height, he has +sandy-coloured hair, steel-grey eyes and a protruding jaw. He is what +he looks, a fine North Prussian, and is, of course, of excellent +family, as the Weissmans have been settled in Grinetz for a long +period. + +He struck me as being about thirty years of age, and on his heart he +wore the Cross of the second class. I have heard of him before as being +well in the running towards an _ordre pour le merite_. + +An interesting chart is hanging in the wardroom, on which is marked the +last resting-place of every ship he has sunk. He puts a coloured dot, +the tint of which varies with the tonnage, black up to 2,000, blue from +2,000-5,000, brown 5,000-8,000, green 8,000-11,000, and a red spot with +the ship's name for anything over 11,000. He has got about 120,000 tons +at present. He opposes the Arnauld de la Perriere school of thought, +which pins faith on the gun, and Weissman has done nearly all his work +with the good old torpedo. + +Altogether, undoubtedly a man to serve with. + +The U.39 was in that buzzing and semi-active condition which to a +trained eye is a sure indication that the ship is about to sail. +Punctually at five minutes to 2 a.m. Weissman went to the bridge, and +at 2 a.m. the wires were slipped and we started on a ten days' trip. As +the dim lights on the mole disappeared and the ceaseless fountain of +star-shells, mingling with the flashing of guns, rose inland on our +port beam my mind travelled overland to the flat at Bruges, and I +wondered whether Zoe was lying awake listening to the ceaseless rumble +of the Flanders cannon. We went on at full speed, as it was our +intention to pass the Dover Straits before dawn. Though our +intelligence bureau issues the most alarming reports as to the +frightfulness of the defences here I was agreeably surprised at the +ease with which we passed. Von Weissman, to whom I had hinted that we +might find the passage tricky, rather laughed at my suggestion, and +described to me his method, which, at all events, has the merit of +simplicity. + +He always goes through with the tide, so as to take as short a time as +possible, and he always decides on a course and steers it as closely as +possible, keeping to the surface unless he sights anything, and diving +as soon as anything shows up. Even if he dives he goes on as fast as +possible on his course, irrespective of whether he is being bombed or +not. + +I must say it worked very well last night. We shaped a course to pass +five miles west of Gris Nez, and when that light, which for some reason +the French had commodiously lit that night, was abeam, we sighted a +black object, probably a trawler or destroyer, about half a dozen miles +away right ahead. Weissman immediately dived and, without deviating a +degree from his course, held on at three-quarters speed on the motors. +Some time later the hydrophone watchkeeper reported the sound of +propellers in his listeners, and that he judged them to be close at +hand, so I imagine we passed very nearly directly underneath whatever +it was. + +After an hour's submerging we rose, and found dawn breaking over a +leaden and choppy sea. Nothing being in sight, we continued on the +surface for an hour, charging batteries with the starboard engine (500 +amps on each), but at 9 a.m., the clouds lying low and an aerial patrol +being frequent hereabouts, we dived and cruised steadily down channel +at slow speed, keeping periscope depth. + +Several times in the course of the forenoon we sighted small destroyers +and convoy craft [1] in the distance, all steering westerly. They were +probably returning from escorting troopships over to France last night. +In every case we went to sixty feet long before they could have seen +our "stick." [2] Weissman is evidently as cautious in this matter as he +is hardy in others; the more I see of him the more I like him; he is a +man of breeding, and it is of value to serve in this boat. + +[Footnote 1: Probably "P" boats.--ETIENNE.] + +[Footnote 2: Periscope.--ETIENNE.] + +As I write we are on the surface about ten miles east of the Isle of +Wight, still steering down channel. To-night at midnight we report our +position to Zeebrugge, up till now we have maintained wireless silence +for fear of the British and French directional stations picking up our +signals and fixing our position. + +After supper this evening Von Weissman explained to me the general plan +of our operations for the next eight days. Our cruising billet is about +150 miles south-west of the Scillys, at the focal point where trade for +Liverpool and Bristol and the up-channel trade diverges. Von Weissman +says that this is a plum billet and we should do well. + +I feel this is going to be better than those piffling little +mine-laying trips, and though we shall be away ten days, it will +qualify me for four days' leave in Belgium. + + * * * * * + +There was nearly an awkward moment last night, or, rather, there was an +awkward moment, and nearly an awkward accident. I relieved the +navigator at midnight (the pilot is an unassuming individual called +Siegel) and took on the middle watch. It was blowing about force 4 from +the south-west, and a nasty short, lumpy sea was running which caught +us just on the port bow. About once every ten seconds she missed her +step with the waves and, dipping her nose into it, shovelled up tons of +water, which, as the bow lifted, raced aft and, breaking against the +gun, flung itself in clouds of spray against the bridge. In a very few +minutes every exposed portion of me was streaming with water. + +At about 2 a.m. I had turned my back to the sea for a moment, and my +thoughts were for an instant in Bruges, when, on facing forward once +again I saw a sight which effectually brought me back to earth. + +This was the spectacle of two black shapes, evidently steamers, one on +either bow, distant, I should estimate, 600 or 700 metres. I had to +make a quick decision, and I decided that to fire a torpedo in that sea +with any hope of a hit, especially with the boat on surface, was +useless; furthermore, that at any moment either of the steamers might +sight us from their high bridge and turn and ram. + +These thoughts were the work of an instant, and I at once rang the +diving bell, and, pushing the look-out before me, in five seconds I was +in the conning tower and had the hatch down. I at once proceeded down +into the boat, and the first thing that struck my eye was the diving +gauge with the needle practically stationary at two metres. + +The boat was not going down properly! and for an instant I was rudely +shaken, until a cool voice from the wardroom remarked, "Helm hard +a-port," an order that was instantly obeyed, and as she began to turn +the moving needle on the depth gauge began its journey round the dial. +It was the Captain who had spoken. As soon as he heard the diving alarm +he was out of his bunk, and a glance at the gauge he has fitted in the +wardroom told him we were not sinking rapidly. In an instant he had put +his finger on the trouble, which was that we were almost head on to the +sea, with the result that he had given the order as stated above, +which, bringing us beam on to the sea, had caused her to dive with +ease. He is efficiency itself! + +As I explained to him what had happened, the noise of propellers at +varying distances from us overhead led him to state his belief that we +had run into a convoy homeward bound to Southampton from the Atlantic. + +He approved of my actions in every particular, save only in my omission +to bring the boat away from the sea as I began to dive. + +This morning we are beginning to get the full force of what is +evidently going to be a south-westerly gale of some violence. The seas +are getting larger as we debouch into the Atlantic. This looks bad for +business. + + * * * * * + +At the moment we are practically hove to on the surface, with the port +engine just jogging to keep her head on to sea and the starboard +ticking round to give her a long, slow charge of 200 amps. + +The wind is force 7-8 and a very big sea is running which makes it +entirely impossible to open the conning tower hatch; the engine is +getting its air through the special mushroom ventilator, which is +apparently not designed to supply both the boat's requirements and +those of the engine; the whole ventilator gets covered with sea every +now and then, during which period until the baffle drains get the water +away no air can get in, so the engine has a good suck at the air in the +boat, the result of all this being a slight vacuum in the boat. It is a +very unpleasant sensation, and made me very sick. This is really a form +of sickness due to the rarefied air. + +I had a great surprise when I looked at the barograph this morning as +the needle had gone right off the paper at the bottom, and at first +glance I thought we had struck a tropical depression of the first +magnitude, which, flouting all the laws of meteorology, had somehow +found its way to the English Channel; but the engineer explained to me +that, as I have already stated, the low atmospheric pressure in the +boat was due to the conning-tower hatch being shut down. + +[Illustration: "As the dim lights on the mole disappeared, the +ceaseless fountain of starshells mingling with the flashing of guns, +rose inland on our port beam."] + +[Illustration: "We hit her aft for the second time."] + +I have discovered that Von Weissman is a martyr to sea-sickness--all +day he has been lying down as white as a sheet and subsisting on milk +tablets and sips of brandy; yet such is the man's inflexibility of will +that he forces himself to make a tour of inspection right round the +boat every six hours, night and day. It is this will to conquer which +has made Germans unconquerable, though "Come the four corners of the +world in arms" against us, as the great poet says. + +We are, of course, keeping watch from inside the conning tower; it is, +at all events, dry, but as to seeing anything one might as well be +looking out through a small glass window from inside a breakwater! To +bed till 4 a.m. + + * * * * * + +A most unprofitable day. I grudge every day away from Zoe on which we +do nothing. This morning about noon the gale blew itself out, but a +heavy confused sea continued to run. + +At 2 p.m. we saw a most tantalizing spectacle. A big tank steamer, +fully 600 feet long and of probably 17,000 tons burthen hove in sight, +escorted by two destroyers. To attack with the gun was impossible, as +we could only keep the conning tower open when stern to sea, and in any +case the two destroyers prevented any surface work. We tried to get in +for an attack, but we had not seen her in time, and the best we could +do was to get within 3,000 yards, at which range it would have been +absurd to have wasted a torpedo, the chances of hitting being 100 to 1 +against, even if the torpedo had run properly in the sea that was on. + +I had a good look at her through the foremost periscope in between the +waves, and it maddened me to see all that oil, doubtless from Tampico +for the Grand Fleet, going safely by. The destroyers were having a bad +time of it, crashing into the sea like porpoises, their funnels white +with salt, and their bridges enveloped in sheets of water and spray. +They little thought that, barely a mile away, amidst the tumbling, +crested waves a German eye was watching them! + +There is no doubt these damned British have pluck, for it was the last +sort of weather in which one would have expected to find destroyers at +sea, and yet I suppose they do this throughout the winter. + +After all, one would expect them to be tough fellows--they are of +Teutonic stock--though by their bearing one might imagine that the +Creator made an Englishman and then Adam. + +Let's hope we get some decent weather to-morrow. I have just been +refreshing my memory by reading of what I wrote in the book, concerning +the day in the forest with the adorable girl. There is an exquisite +pleasure in transporting the mind into such memories of the past when +the body is in such surroundings as the present, if only I could will +myself to dream of her! + + * * * * * + +A fine day in every sense of the word. The weather has been and remains +excellent, and I have been present at my first sinking. It was absurdly +commonplace. At 10 a.m. this morning a column of smoke crept upwards +from the southern horizon. + +Von Weissman steered towards it on the surface until two masts and the +top of a funnel appeared. We dived and proceeded slowly under water on +a southerly course. + +Half an hour passed and Von Weissman brought the boat up to periscope +depth and had a look. He called to me to come and see, an invitation I +accepted with alacrity. + +With natural excitement I looked through the periscope and there she +was, unconsciously ambling to her doom like a fat sheep. + +She was a steamer (British) of about 4,000 tons, slugging home at a +steady ten knots, but she was destined to come to her last mooring +place ahead of schedule time! + +We dipped our periscope and I went forward to the tubes. Five minutes +elapsed and the order instrument bell rang, the pointer flicking to +"Stand by." I personally removed the firing gear safety pin and put the +repeat to "Ready." A breathless pause, then a slight shake and +destruction was on its way, whilst I realized by the angle of the boat +that Weissman was taking us down a few metres. + +That shows his coolness, he didn't even trouble to watch his shot. + +Anxiously I watch the second hand of my stop watch. Weissman had told +me the range would be about 500 metres--30 seconds--31--32--33--has he +missed?--34--35--3--A dull rumble comes through the water and the +whole boat shakes. Hurra! we have hit, and the order "Surface" comes +along the voice pipe. + +The cheerful voice of the blower is heard, evacuating the tanks; I run +to the conning tower and closely follow Weissman up the ladder. At last +I am on the bridge. There she is! What a sight! + +I feel that I shall never forget what she looked like, though, if all +goes well, I shall see many another fine ship go to her grave. + +But she was my first; I felt the same sensation when, as a boy, I shot +my first roe-deer in the Black Forest, one instant a living thing +beautiful to perfection, the next my rifle spoke and a bleeding carcase +lay beneath the fine trees. So with this ship. I am a sailor, and to +every sailor every ship that floats has, as it were, a soul, a +personality, an entity; to carry the analogy further, a merchant craft +is like some fat beast of utility, an ox, a cow, or a sheep, whilst a +warship is a lion if she is a battleship, a leopard if she is a light +cruiser, etc.; in all cases worthy game. + +But War has little use for sentimentality! and in my usual wandering +manner I see that I have meandered from the point and quite forgotten +what she did look like. + +What I saw was this: + +I saw that the steamer had been hit forward on the starboard side. The +upper portion of the stem piece was almost down to the water level, her +foremost hold was obviously filling rapidly. Her stern was high out of +water, the red ensign of England flapping impotently on the ensign +staff. Her propeller, which was still slowly revolving, thrashed the +water, and this heightened the impression that I was watching the +struggles of a dying animal. The propeller was revolving in spasmodic +jerks, due, I imagine, to the fast failing steam only forcing the +cranks over their dead centres with an effort. + +A boat was being lowered with haste from the two davits abreast the +funnel on one side, but when she was full of men and, due to the angle +of the ship, well down by the bow, someone inboard let go the foremost +fall or else it broke, for the bows of the boat fell downwards and half +a dozen figures were projected in grotesque attitudes into the sea. For +a few seconds the boat swung backwards and forwards, like a pendulum. + +When she came to rest, hanging vertically downwards from the stern, I +noticed that a few men were still clinging like flies to her thwarts. +Truly, anything is better than the Atlantic in winter. Meanwhile the +ship had ceased to sink as far as outward signs went. + +I mentioned this to Von Weissman, who was at my side with a slight +smile on his face, amused doubtless at the eagerness with which I +watched every detail of this, to me, novel tragedy. He answered me that +I need not worry, that she was being supported by an air lock somewhere +forward, that the water was slowly creeping into her and her boilers +would probably soon go. + +This remarkable man was absolutely correct. + +There was an interval of about five minutes, during which another boat, +evidently successfully lowered from the other side, came round her +stern, picked up one or two men from the water and also collected the +survivors in the hanging boat; then the steamer suddenly sank another +two feet, there was a dull rumbling, as of heavy machinery falling from +a height, a muffled report, a cloud of steam and smoke, a sucking noise +and then a pool in the water, in the middle of which odd bits of wood +and other buoyant debris kept on bobbing up. Nothing else! + +No! I am wrong, there were two other things: a U-boat, representing the +might of Germany, and a whaler with perhaps twenty men in it, +representing the plight of England! + +As she went I felt hushed and solemn, it was an impressive moment; a +slight chuckle came from imperturbable Weissman; he had seen too many +go to think much of it, and he gave an order for the helm to be put +over, so that we might approach the whaler. + +They were horribly overcrowded, and were engaged in trying to sort +themselves into some sort of order. We passed by them at 50 yards and +Weissman, seizing his megaphone, shouted in English: "Goodbye! steer +west for America!" A cold horror gripped my heart. It was an awful +moment. I dare not write the thoughts that entered my head. + +I turned away my head and faced aft, that he should not see my face; +looking back I saw the whaler rocking dangerously in our wash, and then +a commotion took place in her stern, from which a huge bearded man +arose and, shaking his fist in our direction, shouted something or +other before his companions pulled him down. + +Von Weissman heard and his lips narrowed in. I held my breath in +suspense, but he evidently decided against what he had been about to +do, for with the order, "Course north! ten knots," he went below. + +I remained on deck watching the rapidly receding whaler through my +glasses until she was a mere speck--alone on the ocean, 150 miles from +land, Then the navigator came up, and with strangely mixed feelings of +exultant joy and depressing sorrow I went below. + +Von Weissman was in the wardroom. I watched him unobserved. He was +humming a tune to himself and had just completed putting a green dot on +the chart. This done he lay back on the settee and closed his +eyes--strange, insoluble man! + +For long hours I could not forget that whaler; I see it now as I write. +I suppose I shall get used to it all. What would Zoe say? + +The most wonderful thing about man is that he can stand the strain of +his own invention of modern war! + + * * * * * + +I am rather tired to-night, but must just jot down briefly what has +taken place to-day, as there is never any time in the daylight hours. + +Soon after dawn, at about 8 a.m., we sighted a fair-sized steamer of +about 3,000 tons, which we sunk, but I cannot say what she looked like, +or whether anyone escaped, as we never came to the surface at all, Von +Weissman sighting smoke on the western horizon just as he hit her. We +accordingly steered in that direction. However, I think she went almost +at once as Von Weissman put a dot (black) on the chart as we made +towards number 3. + +I very much wanted to know whether there were any survivors, but I did +not like to ask him at the time and he has been in such an infernal +temper ever since that I haven't had a suitable opportunity. + +The cause of his rage was as follows: + +Steamer number 3 turned out to be a fine fat chap (of the Clan Line, +Von Weissman said, when we first sighted her). We moved in to attack +and fired our port bow tube. I waited in vain by the tubes for the +expected explosion--nothing happened, but after a couple of minutes a +snarl came down the voice pipe: "Surface, GUN ACTION STATIONS!" + +I ran aft, and found the Captain white with rage. + +"Missed ahead!" he said, with intense feeling, "I'll have to use that +confounded gun." + +In about three minutes the Captain and myself were on the bridge and +the crew were at their stations round the gun. + +For the first time I saw the ship; she was stern on and apparently +painted with black and white stripes. As I examined her through +glasses--she was distant about 3,000 yards--I saw a flash aboard her +and a few seconds later a projectile moaned overhead and fell about +6,000 yards over. So she is armed, thought I, and she has actually +opened fire on us first. + +The effect of this unexpected retort on the part of the Englishman was +to throw Weissman into a paroxysm of rage. + +"Why don't you fire? What the devil are you waiting for?" etc., etc., +were some of the remarks he flung at the gun crew. + +I did not consider it advisable to mention to him that they were +probably waiting his order to fire, and also his orders for range and +deflection, as I had imagined that, here as everywhere else, an officer +controls the gun-fire. Apparently in this boat it is not so, as +Weissman takes so little interest in his gun that he affects to be, or +else actually is, ignorant of the elements of gun control. + +At any rate, under the lash of his tongue, the gun's crew soon got into +action, the gun-layer taking charge. Our first shot was short, very +considerably so, as was also the second. Meanwhile the steamer had been +keeping up a very creditably controlled rate of fire, straddling us +twice, but missing for deflection, as was natural considering that we +were bows on to her. + +I felt thoroughly in my element listening to the significant wail of +the enemy's shell, punctuated by the ear-splitting report of our own +gun. Weissman, gripping the rail with both hands, and to my surprise +ducking when one went overhead, watched the target with a fixed +expression, but made no attempt to control our gun-fire, which was far +from creditable, as is inevitable when it is left to the mercy of the +inferior intellect of a seaman. + +However, at the tenth or eleventh round we hit her in the upper works, +as was shown by a bright red and yellow flash near her funnel. This did +not check her firing or speed in the least, in fact she seemed to be +gaining on us. She also began to zigzag slightly and throw smoke bombs +overboard, which were not so effective from her point of view as I had +thought they would be. + +Matters were thus for some minutes. We had just hit her aft for the +second time, though the shooting was so disgustingly bad that I was +about to ask whether I might do the duties of control officer, when +there was a blinding flash and the air seemed filled with moaning +fragments. When I had recovered from my relief from finding that I was +personally uninjured, I observed that two of the gun's crew were +wounded and one was lying, either killed or seriously wounded, on the +casing. We had been hit in the casing, well forward, and, as was +subsequently proved when we dived, little material damage was caused to +the boat. + +This enemy success caused a temporary cessation of fire. The two +wounded men were cautiously making their way aft to the conning tower, +and I called for a couple of stokers to come up and carry away the +third, when Von Weissman suddenly gave the order to dive. The gun's +crew at once made a rush for the conning tower, and were down the hatch +in a trice, one of the wounded men fainting at the bottom. + +I was unaware as to the reason of this order to dive, and thought that +perhaps the Captain had sighted a periscope. As I was turning to +precede him down the conning tower hatch I distinctly saw the man lying +by the gun lift his hand. I felt I could not leave him there, and +instinctively cried, "He is still alive!" But Von Weissman, who was +urging the crew to hurry down the hatch, pressed the diving alarm as +soon as the last sailor was half in the hatch. + +I knew that this meant that the boat would be under in 30 to 40 +seconds, so I had no alternative but to get down the hatch as quickly +as possible. + +I did so with reluctance, and I was followed by Von Weissman, who +joined me in the upper conning tower. + +I forced myself not to look out of the conning tower scuttles during +the few seconds that elapsed as the casing slowly went under, until at +last nothing but waving green water showed at each little window. I +feared that, if I had looked, I would have seen a wounded man, stung +into activity by the cold touch of the Atlantic. Perhaps Von Weissman +read my thoughts, or else he remembered my remark concerning the man, +for he turned to me and in level tones said: + +"Have you any doubt that he was dead?" + +I hesitated a moment, and he continued: + +"By my direction you have no doubt. He _was_!" + +How brutal war is, and what a perfect exponent of the art the Captain +proves himself to be! To me a life is a life, a particle of the thing +divine; to him a life is a unit, and a half-maimed and probably dying +seaman is as nothing in the scales when the safety of a U-boat is at +stake. The seamen are numbered in their tens of thousands, the U-boats +in their tens. The steamer had hit us once, luckily only in the casing, +a second hit might well have punctured the pressure hull, and our fate +in these waters would have been certain. Therefore, having summed these +things up and balanced them in his mind, he dived and the sailor died. + +Once below water Von Weissman seemed more his imperturbable self, and +unless I am mistaken he is never really happy on the surface, at least +when in action. He is a true water mole. + + * * * * * + +A day full of interest, though once again I have had to force myself to +absorb the horrors of War. I imagine that I am now going through the +experiences of a new arrival on the Western Front, who feels a desire +to shudder at the sight of every corpse. + +At 10 a.m. this morning we sighted the topsails of a sailing boat to +the southwest. Closing her on the surface, we approached to within +about 6,000 metres, when suddenly Von Weissman ordered "Gun Action +Stations." + +The gun crew came tumbling up, but not quick enough to suit him, for as +they were mustering at the gun he gave the order to dive, only, +however, taking her down to periscope depth before instantly ordering +surface and then "Gun Action Stations" again. This time we opened fire +on the ship, which was a Norwegian barque and, being in the barred +zone, liable to destruction. + +Von Weissman had announced overnight that at the first opportunity he +would give "that ----- gun's crew a bellyful of practice," and he +certainly did. As soon as the first shot was fired, she backed her +topsails, and when our fourth shot struck her, somewhere near the foot +of the foremast, her crew could be seen hastily abandoning their ship. + +This action on their part had no influence with Von Weissman, who had +taken personal charge of the helm, and, with the engines running at +three-quarter speed, he was zigzagging about, to make it harder for the +gun's crew. Every now and then he flung a gibe at the crew, such as +suggesting that they should go back to the High Seas Fleet and learn +how to shoot. + +The sailing ship was soon on fire, for, considering the circumstances, +the shooting was very fair, though had I been controlling it I could +have confidently guaranteed better results. When she was blazing nicely +fore and aft, Von Weissman ordered the practice to cease, and sent the +crew below. He then ordered course south, speed ten knots, and I took +over the watch. + +An hour and a half later, when the navigator gave me a spell, a black +cloud on the northern horizon marked the funeral pyre of another of our +victims. When I went below, the Captain had just finished playing with +his precious old chart. + + * * * * * + +We received a message at 2 a.m. last night from Heligoland to return +forthwith; it is now 2 a.m. and we are approaching the redoubtable +Dover Barrage. We had no trouble coming up channel to-day, which seems +singularly empty, at any rate in mid-channel, where we were. + + * * * * * + +We got back about three hours ago, and as I was appointed temporary to +the boat, Von Weissman kindly allowed me to leave her and come up to +Bruges as soon as we got into the shelters at Zeebrugge. + +I got up here just, in time for a late dinner. Hunger satisfied, I +retired to my room and, needless to say, at once rang up my darling +Zoe. + +By the mercy of providence she was in, but imagine my sensations when I +heard that that accursed swine of a Colonel was also back from the +front, and expected in at the flat at any moment, being then, she +thought, engaged in his after dinner drinking bouts at the cavalry +officers' club. I could only groan. + +A laugh at the other end stung me to furious rage, appeased in an +instant by her soothing tones as she told me that I should be glad to +hear that he was only up from the Somme on a four-days leave, and was +returning next morning by the 8 a.m. troop train. Glad! I could have +danced for joy. I breathed again. + +As the Colonel was expected back at any moment she thought it advisable +to terminate the conversation, which was done with obvious reluctance +on her part, or so I flatter myself. + +He goes to-morrow, so far so good, but what of the intervening period? + +Could any more refined torture be imagined than that I, who love her as +I love my own soul, should have to sit here, whilst scarcely a mile +away, probably at this very moment as I write, that gross brute is +privileged to kiss her, to look at her, to--oh! it's unbearable. When I +think of that hog, for though I've never seen him, I've seen his +photograph, and I know instinctively that he _is_ gross, fresh, as she +says, from a drinking bout, should at this moment be permitted to raise +his pigs' eyes and look into those glorious wells of violet light; when +I think that his is the privilege to see those masses of black hair +fall in uncontrolled splendour, then I understand to the full the deep +pleasures of murder. + +I would give anything to destroy this man, and could shake the +Englishman by the hand who fires the delivering bullet! + +Steady! Steady! What do I write? No! I mean it, every word of it. Yet +of all the mysteries, and to me Zoe is a mass of them, surely the +strangest of all is contained in the question: Why does she live with +him? + +She doesn't love him, she's practically told me so. In fact, I know she +doesn't. Let me reason it out by logic. She lives with him, whether +voluntarily or involuntarily. Suppose it be voluntarily, then her +reasons must be (a) Love; (b) Fascination; (c) Some secret reason. If +she is living with him involuntarily it must be: (d) He has a hold on +her; (e) For financial reasons. + +I strike out at once (a) and (e), for in the case of (e) she knows well +that I would provide for her, and (a) I refuse to admit, (b) is hardly +credible--I eliminate that. I am left with (c) and (d) which might be +the same thing. But what hold can he have on her; she can't have a +past, she is too young and sweet for that. + +I must find out about this before I go to sea again. + + * * * * * + +Three days ago, I was racking my brains for the solution of a problem, +and, as I see from what I wrote, I was somewhat outside myself. In the +interval things have taken an amazing turn. I am still bewildered--but +I must put it all down from the beginning. + +The Colonel left as she said he would, and I went round to lunch with +her. + +We had a delightful _tete-a-tete_, and after lunch she played the +piano. I was feeling in splendid voice and she accompanied me to +perfection in Tchaikowsky's "To the Forest," always a favourite of +mine. As the last chords died away, Zoe jumped up from the piano and, +with eyes dancing with excitement, placed her hands on my shoulders and +exclaimed: + +"Karl! I have an idea! I shall make a prisoner of you for two or three +days." + +I laughed heartily and almost told her that she had already made me a +prisoner for life, only I can never get those sort of remarks out quick +enough. + +But when she said, "No! I am not joking, I mean it," I felt there was +more meaning in her sentence than I had at first thought. I begged to +be enlightened, and she then unfolded her scheme. + +She told me for the first time, that in a forest not far from Bruges +she had a little summer-house, to which she used to retreat for +week-ends in the hot weather when the Colonel was away. He knew nothing +of this country house (she was very insistent on that point), so I +imagined she paid for it out of her dress allowance or in some other +way. The idea that had just struck her was that she had a sudden fancy +to go and spend two days there, and I was to go with her. + +I was ready to go to Africa with her if my leave permitted, and it so +happened that I was due for four days' overseas leave (limited to +Belgian territory) so that this fitted in very well, and I told her so. + +She was delighted, then, with one of those quick intuitions which women +are so clever at, she read the half-formed thought in my mind, and +said: "You mustn't think it's not going to be conventional; old Babette +will be with us to chaperon me." Old Babette is an aged female whom she +calls her maid. I think she is jealous of me. + +I agreed at once that of course I quite understood it was to be highly +conventional, etc., though I smiled to myself as I visualized my +mother's shocked face and uplifted hands had she heard my Zoe's ideas +on the conventions. + +I was trying to fathom what was at the bottom of it all when she +remarked: "Of course, as my prisoner you will have to obey all my +orders." + +I replied that this was certainly so. + +"And one of the first things," she continued, "that happens to a +prisoner when he goes through the enemy lines is that he is +blindfolded, and in the same way I shan't let you know where you are +going." + +Seeing a doubtful look in my eyes as I endeavoured to keep pace with +the underlying idea, if any, of this truly feminine fancy, she suddenly +came up to me and, lifting her eyes to mine, murmured: "Don't you trust +me?" + +In a moment my passion flared up, and rained hot kisses on her face as +she struggled to release herself from my arms. + +When I left that night after dinner, and, walking on air, returned to +the Mess, it was arranged that I should be at her flat with my +suit-case at 6 p.m. the next evening, prepared, to use her own words, +"to disappear with me for 48 hours." + +She had told me of an address in Bruges which she said would forward on +any telegram if I was recalled, and I had to be satisfied with that, +for I may as well say here that I never discovered where I went to, and +I don't know to this moment in what part of Belgium I spent the last +two nights. + +I tried to find out at first, but as she obviously attached some +importance to keeping the locality of her woodland retreat a secret, +probably to circumvent the Colonel, I soon gave up trying to get the +secret from her, and contented myself with taking things as they came. + +To go on with my account of what happened--which was really so +remarkable that I propose writing it out in detail to the best of my +memory--at 6 p.m. next day I was naturally at her flat feeling very +much as if I was on the threshold of an adventure. + +Zoe was excited and the flat was in a turmoil, as apparently she had +only just begun to pack her dressing-case. + +Soon after six we went down and got into a large Mercedes car which I +had noticed standing outside when I arrived. We were soon on our way, +and left Bruges by the Eastern barrier; we showed our passes and +proceeded into the darkened country-side. We had been running for about +a mile when she remarked, "Prisoners will now be blindfolded!" and, to +my astonishment, slipped a little black silk bag over my head. + +I was so startled I didn't know whether to be angry, or to laugh, or +what to do. Eventually I did nothing, and, entering into the spirit of +the game, declared that even a wretched prisoner had the right not to +be stifled, whereupon she lifted the lower portion of the bag and +uncovered my mouth. Shortly afterwards I was electrified to feel a pair +of soft lips meet mine, a sensation which was repeated at frequent +intervals, and, as I whispered in her ear, under these conditions I was +prepared to be taken prisoner into the jaws of hell. + +This pleasant journey had lasted for about three-quarters of an hour +when my mask was removed and I was informed that I was "inside the +enemy lines!" Through the windows of the car I could dimly see that an +apparently endless mass of fir trees were rushing past on each side. +This state of affairs continued for a kilometre or so, when we branched +to the right and soon entered a large clearing in the forest, at one +side of which stood the house. Babette, Zoe and myself entered the +building, and the car disappeared, presumably back to Bruges. + +The house, built of logs, was of two stories; on the ground floor were +two living rooms, and the domains of Babette, who amongst her other +accomplishments turned out to be not only a most capable valet, but a +first-class cook. On the second story there were two large rooms. The +whole house was furnished after the manner of a hunting lodge, with +stags' heads on the walls, and skins on the floors. In the drawing-room +there was a piano and a few etchings of the wild boar by Schaffein. + +I dressed for dinner in my "smoking," though under ordinary +circumstances I should have considered this rather formal, but I was +glad I did, for she appeared in full evening _tenue_. She wore a violet +gown, and across her forehead a black satin bandeau with a Z in +diamonds upon it. It must have cost two thousand marks, and I wondered +with a dull kind of jealousy whether the Colonel had given it to her. + +I cannot remember of what we talked during dinner. We have a hundred +subjects in common, and we look at so many aspects of the world through +the same pair of eyes; I only know that when I have been talking to her +for a period--there is no exact measurement of time for me when I am +with her--I leave her presence feeling "completed." I feel that a sort +of gap within my being has been filled, that a spiritual hunger has +been satisfied, that I have got something which I wanted, but for which +I could not have formulated the desire in words. I had resolved that on +this first night I would bring matters between us to a head and end +this delicious but intolerable uncertainty as to how we stood; yet, +when old Babette had served us with coffee in the drawing-room, as I +call the second living-room, and we were alone together, I could not +bring up the subject. Partly because I think she prevented me so doing +by that skilful shepherding of the conversation into other paths with +an artfulness with which God endows all women, and also partly because +I could not screw myself up to the pitch. I could not, or rather would +not, put my fate to the touch. I had a presentiment that in reaching +for the summit I might fall from the slope. Alas! how true was this +foreboding in some senses--but I will keep all things in their right +order. + +[Illustration: "_The track met our ram_."] + +[Illustration: In the flash I caught a glimpse of his conning tower] + +Let it only be recorded that when she kissed me good-night (with the +tenderness of a mother) and left me to smoke a final cigar I had said +nothing, and I could only wonder at the strange fate that had placed me +practically alone with a girl whom I had grown to love with a deep +emotion, and who appeared to love me, yet often behaved as if I was her +brother. + +The next day we were like two children. The snow was deep on the +ground, and the fir trees stood like thousands of sentinels in grey +uniform round the clearing. Once during the afternoon, as with Zoe's +assistance I was furiously chopping wood for the fire, a droning noise +made me look up, and thousands of metres overhead a small squadron of +aeroplanes, evidently bound for the Western Front, sailed slowly across +the sky. I thought how awkward it would be for them if they experienced +an engine failure whilst over the forest, though they were up so high +that I imagine they could have glided ten kilometres, and as I think +(but I am not certain, and I have pledged myself not to try and find +out) we were in the Forest of Montellan, which is barely fifteen +kilometres broad, I suppose they could have fallen clear of the trees. + +As a matter of fact I imagine they would have used our clearing--I'm +glad they didn't. + +That night after dinner she played to me, first Beethoven and then +Chopin. I can see her as I write; she had just finished the 14th +Prelude and, resting her chin on her hand, she smiled mysteriously at +me. + +The hour had come, and, driven by strong impulses, I spoke. I told her +that I loved her as I had never thought that a man could love a woman; +I told her that I longed to shield her and protect her, and above all +things to remove her from the clutches of that bestial Colonel, and as +I bent over her and felt my senses swim in the subtleties of her +perfume, I begged her passionately to say the word that would give me +the right to fight the world on her behalf. + +When I had finished she was silent for a long while, and I can remember +distinctly that I wondered whether she could hear the thump! thump! +thump! of my heart, which to my agitated mind seemed to beat with the +strength of a hammer. + +At length she spoke; two words came slowly from her lips: + +"I cannot." + +I was not discouraged. I could see, I could feel, that a tremendous +struggle was raging, the outward signs of which were concealed by her +averted head. + +At length I asked her point-blank whether she loved me. Her silence +gave me my answer, and I took her unresisting body into my arms and +kissed her to distraction. Oh! these kisses, how bitter they seem to me +now, and yet how I long to hold her once again. For, freeing herself +from my embrace and speaking almost mechanically, she said: + +"Karl! I must tell you. I cannot marry you." + +I pleaded, I prayed, I argued, I demanded. It was in vain; I always +came up against the immovable "I cannot." + +And then I crashed over the precipice towards whose edge I had been +blindly going. I had said for the hundredth time, "But you know you +love me," when with a sob she abandoned all reserve, and, flinging her +arms round my neck, implored me to take her. Then, as I caught my +breath, she quickly said, as if frightened that she had gone too far, +"But I cannot marry you." + +I looked down into those beautiful eyes, and for the first time I +understood. For perhaps ten seconds I battled for my soul and the +purity of our love; then, tearing my sight from those eyes which would +lure an archangel to destruction, I was once more master of my body. As +my resolution grew, I hated her for doing this thing that had wrecked +in an instant the hopes of months, the ideals on which I had begun to +build afresh my life. + +She felt the change, and left me. + +As she went out by the door she gave me one last look, a look in which +love struggled with shame, a look which no man has ever earned the +right to receive from any woman. + +But I was as a statue of marble, dazed by this calamity. + +As the door closed upon her, I started forward--it was too late. + +Had she waited another instant--but there, I write of what has happened +and not what might have been. + +I did not sleep that night, until the dawn began to separate each fir +tree from the black mass of the forest. Twice in the night, with shame +I confess it, I opened my door and looked down the little passage-way; +and twice I closed the door and threw myself upon my bed in an agony of +torment. It was ten o'clock when a knock at the door aroused me, and +the sunlight through the window-pane was tracing patterns on the floor. + +There was a note on the breakfast table, but before I opened it I knew +that, save for Babette, I was alone in the house. + +The note was brief, unaddressed and unsigned. I have it here before me; +I have meant to tear it up but I cannot. It is a weakness to keep it, +but I have lost so much in the last few days, that I will not grudge +myself some small relic of what has been. The note says: + +"I am leaving for Bruges at half-past eight, when the car was ordered +to fetch us back. I go alone. Babette will give you breakfast. The car +will return for you at eleven o'clock. I rely on your honour in that +you will not observe where you have been. Come to me when you want +me--till then, farewell." + +It was as she said, and I honourably acceded to her request. This +afternoon just before lunch I arrived in Bruges, and since tea-time I +have tried to write down what has happened since I left the day before +yesterday. Oh! how could she do it, how can it be possible that she is +a woman like that? I could have sworn that she was not like this--and +yet how can I account for her life with the Colonel? There must be some +reason, but in Heaven's name, what? + +Meanwhile I am to go to her when I want her! And that will be when I +can give her my name. But oh! Zoe, I want you now, so badly, oh! so +badly! + + * * * * * + +I saw her once to-day in the gardens, walking by herself. + + * * * * * + +I have told Max's secretary that I want to get to sea; to be here in +Bruges and not to see her is more than I can bear. + +I sail at dawn to-morrow. Shall I see her? No, it is best not. + +A frightful noise over the New Year celebrations to-night. Champagne +flowing like water in the Mess. I feel the year 1917 opens badly for +me. + +Weissman also went to sea again for a short trip in the Channel, and +has not reported for five days. Perhaps he has despised the Dover +Barrage once too often. If this is so, it is a great loss to the +service: he was a man of iron resolution in underwater attack. + +I feel I ought to despise Zoe, but I can't. I love her too much; after +all, am I not perhaps encasing myself in the robe of a Pharisee? + +She offered me all she had, save only the one thing I asked, without +which I will take nothing. I cannot reconcile her behaviour with her +character; why can't she trust me? why can't she be frank with me? I +will not believe she is that sort. + +I feel I cannot go out again without a _sign_--I may not return, and I +will not leave her, perhaps for ever, with this bitterness between us. + + * * * * * + + +At sea in U.C.47 again. Alten as surly as ever. + +I decided finally to write to Zoe, but found it difficult to know what +to say. Eventually I said more than I had intended. I told her frankly +that I experienced a shock, but that I had not meant to seem so cold, +and that what I had done had been done for both our sakes. I told her +that I still loved her, and I implored her once more to leave the +Colonel and come to me as my wife. + +Already I long to know what message awaits me on my return. + +This will not be for three days. We left at dawn this morning to lay +mines off the channel to Harwich harbour; a nest from which submarines, +cruisers and destroyers buzz in and out like wasps. It will be ticklish +work. + + + + +_On the bottom_. + + +Our mines are still with us, but so are our lives, which is something. + +We were approaching the appointed spot at 6 a.m. this morning, when +without the slightest warning the track of a torpedo was seen streaking +towards us about 50 yards on the starboard bow. + +Before Alten (who was on the bridge with me) could do more than press +the diving alarm, the track met our ram. I breathed again, and was then +reminded by an oath from Alten that the boat was diving. + +It was evident that we had only been saved by the torpedo running deep +under the cut-away part of our bow, otherwise!--well, the tangle of my +affairs would have been easily straightened. + +Further procedure on the surface was suicidal, and we kept hydrophone +patrol, twice hearing the motors of the enemy submarine. At the moment +we are on the bottom waiting to come up and charge to-night, and lay +our mines at dawn to-morrow. + + * * * * * + +On the bottom in 28 metres and feeling none too comfortable, as there +would appear to be about a dozen destroyers overhead. + +Last night, or rather early this morning, I participated in one of the +most extraordinary incidents that I have ever heard of. + +It was pitch-black dark when I took over at 4 a.m., and a fresh breeze +had raised a lumpy sea, which covered the bridge with spray. We were +charging 400 amps on each, with the intention of laying one mine +directly there was sufficient light to get a fix from some of the buoys +which the English stick down all over the place here in the most +convenient manner possible. If only one could believe they never +shifted them. Alten says it never occurs to an Englishman to do a thing +like that, but I'm not so sure. However, we were proceeding along at +about five knots, crashing into the sea rather badly, when out of the +black beastliness of the night I saw a shape close aboard on the port +hand. + +As I hesitated for a second as to my course of action, I was astounded +to see a large submarine which must have been British, on an opposite +course, not more than 25 metres away! + +This sounds absurd, but it really wasn't further. I'm not ashamed to +confess that I was completely disorganized; it did not seem possible +that the enemy was literally alongside me. + +I don't know how it struck the officer in the British boat, but I must +give him credit for doing something first, for he fired a Very's white +light straight at me as the two boats passed. It impinged on the hull, +and in the flash I caught a photographic glimpse of his conning tower, +on which was painted the letter E, followed by two numbers, of which +one was a two I think, and the other a nine. + +By this time he was on my port quarter and rapidly disappearing; in a +frenzy of rage I managed to get my revolver out, and whilst with the +left hand I pressed the diving alarm, with the right hand I emptied the +magazine in his direction. When we were down, Alten practically +refused to believe me, which made me very pleased that in descending I +had trod on a pair of hands which turned out to be his, as he had +started up the ladder to the upper conning tower when he first heard +the alarm. + +I presume our opponent dived as well, but evidently he had put two and +two together and used his aerial at some period, for when at dawn we +poked a periscope up, a flotilla of destroyers appeared to be looking +for something, which "something" was us, unless I am much mistaken; so +we bottomed, where we have been ever since. The Hydroplane Operator +keeps up a monotonous sing-song to the effect that "Fast running +propellers are either receding or approaching." The crew are collected +round the mine-tubes as I write, and are singing a lugubrious song, the +refrain of which runs: + + "Death for the Fatherland! Glorious fate, + This is the end that we gladly await." + +Why will the seamen always become morbid when possible? And there is +not a man amongst them who is not inwardly thinking of some beer-hall +in Bruges, though I suppose that like their betters they have their +romances of a tenderer kind. + + * * * * * + +The boat has been rolling about on the bottom in the most sickening +manner the whole afternoon. We flooded P and Q to capacity, which gave +her 50 tons negative, but it seems to have little effect in steadying +her, and it is evident that a really heavy gale is running on top. + + * * * * * + +Surfaced at 10 p.m.; a very heavy sea running and impossible to do much +more than heave to. This weather has one point in its favour and that +is that the destroyers are driven in. + +It got steadily worse all night, and at midnight we lost our foremost +wireless mast overboard; we have now (10 a.m.) been 48 hours without +communication. At dawn we could see nothing to fix by; not a buoy in +sight, nothing but an expanse of foam-topped short steep waves of dirty +neutral-tinted water; how different to the great green and white surges +of the broad Atlantic. + +Under these circumstances Alten decided to risk it and return without +laying our mines; for once in a way I agreed with him, as it is better +not to lay a minefield at all than dump one down in some unknown +position which one may have to traverse oneself in the course of a +month or so. We are now slowly, very slowly, struggling back to +Zeebrugge. + +A green sea came down the conning tower to-day, and everything in the +boat is damp and smelly and beastly. The propellers race at frequent +intervals and the whole boat shudders--I feel miserable. + +Alten has started to drink spirits; he began as soon as we decided to +go back. He will be incapable by to-night, and it means that I shall +have to take her in. + +What hell this is, sitting in sodden clothes, with the stench of four +days' living assaulting the nostrils, and a motion of the devil; the +glass is very low and is slowly rising, so that I suppose it will blow +harder soon, though it is about force eight at present. + +I wonder what Zoe will have written in reply to my note. When I think +of what I rejected and compare it with my beast-like existence here, I +can hardly believe that I behaved as I did--what would I not give now +to be transported back to the forest! At this rate of progress we shall +take another 24 hours. I wonder if I can knock another half-knot out of +her without smashing her up. + + * * * * * + +The extraordinarily violent motion has upset the _Anschutz_. [1] The +bearing cone of the stabilizing gyro has cracked, and the master +compass began to wander off in circles. I was just resting for an hour +or two, wedged up on a wet settee with coats equally wet, when her +heavy pitching changed to a wallowing roll, and I heard the pilot, who +was on watch, cursing down the voice-pipe, as we had sagged off our +course. + +[Footnote 1: Gyroscopic compass.--ETIENNE.] + +I heard the voice of the helmsman querulously maintain that he was +steering his course by _Anschutz_, so I got up and gingerly clawed my +way into the control room, where I found by comparing _Anschutz_ with +magnetic that the former had gone to hell, the reason being obvious, as +the stabilizer was exerting a strongly biased torque. I stopped the +_Anschutz_ and asked the pilot to give the helmsman a steady by +magnetic. + +As we staggered back to our course I heard a thud in the wardroom, and +on returning to my settee found that Alten had rolled out of his bunk, +where he was lying in a drunken stupor, and that he was face downwards, +sprawling on the deck, half his face in the broken half of a dirty dish +which had fallen off the table whilst I was having tea. As I couldn't +let the crew see him like this, I was obliged to struggle and get him +back into his bunk. He was like a log and absolutely incapable of +rendering me any assistance, though he did open his eyes and mutter +once or twice as I lifted him up, trunk first and then his legs. He +stank of spirits and I hated touching him. Lord! what a truly hoggish +man he is; yet I cannot help envying him his oblivion to these +surroundings. + + * * * * * + + + +Arrived in, this afternoon. + + +Alten quite slept off his drink, and was offensively sarcastic as I +worked on the forepart with wires, getting her into the shelters +alongside the mole. + +I hastened up to Bruges, and in the Mess heard several items of news +and found two letters. The first, in a well-known handwriting, I opened +eagerly, but received a chill of disappointment when I read its single +line. + +"I am here when you want me.--Z." + +So she thinks to break my resolution! + +No! I am stronger than she, and, now that I know she loves me, I can +and will bend her to my will. Even now, at this distance of time, I can +hardly understand my conduct the other day. I must have been given the +strength of ten. I feel that I could not do it again; had she hesitated +a second longer at the door--well, I can hardly say what I would have +done. + +It is my duty to do so, for her sake and my own. But I know my +weakness, and in this fact lies my strength. Cost what it may, I shall +not permit myself to go near her until she yields. + +The second letter gave me a great surprise. It was from Rosa. She has +passed some examination, and is coming _here_ of all places as a Red +Cross nurse. She says she is looking forward to going round a U-boat! +She assumes a good deal, I must say, still, I suppose I must be polite +to her; but why the deuce does she sign herself "Yours, Rosa?" She's +not mine, and I don't want her; it seems funny to me that I once +thought of her vaguely in that sort of way. Now, I feel rather +disturbed that she is coming here, though I don't quite see why I +should worry, and yet I wonder if it is a coincidence her coming to +Bruges? + +I'm almost inclined to think it isn't. After all, every girl wants to +get married, and without conceit my family, circumstances and, in the +privacy of the pages of this journal I may add, my personal +appearances, are such as would appeal to most girls--except Zoe, +apparently! + +I'll have to be on my guard against Miss Rosa. + +I heard to-day that I am likely to be appointed to the periscope school +in a few weeks' time, and meanwhile I am to be attached as +supernumerary to the operations division on old Max's staff. + + * * * * * + +The work here is most interesting. I feel glad that I am one of the +spiders weaving the web for Britain's destruction. + +The impasse with Zoe still continues, and my peace of mind has been +still further disturbed by the actual arrival of Rosa. She rang me up +within twelve hours of her arrival, and, of course, I was obliged to +call. That was the day before yesterday. Rosa is at the No. 3 Hospital +here, and was horribly effusive. Some people would, I suppose, call her +good-looking, but to me, with my mind's-eye in perpetual contemplation +of my darling Zoe, Rosa looked like a turnip. Her first movement after +the preliminary greetings was to offer me a cigarette! I then noticed +that her fingers were stained with nicotine, unpleasant in a man, +disgusting in a woman. + +Her nose was shiny and greasy--horrible. After a little talk she +volunteered the statement that yesterday was her afternoon off, and she +was simply longing to have tea in the gardens. + +I endeavoured to make some feeble excuse on the grounds of the weather +being unsuitable, but I am no good at these social lies, and I was +eventually obliged to promise to take her there. I was the more annoyed +in that her main object was obviously to be seen walking with a U-boat +officer. + +Accordingly, yesterday, I found myself walking about with her at my +side. My feelings can better be imagined than described when I suddenly +saw Zoe, accompanied by Babette, in the distance. I hastily altered +course, and pray she didn't see me. + +In the course of the afternoon Rosa had the impertinence to say that at +Frankfurt they were saying that I was interested in a beautiful widow +at Bruges, and could she (Rosa) write and say I was heart-whole, or +else what the girl was like. I'm afraid that I lost my temper a little, +and I told Rosa she could write to all the busybodies at home and tell +them from me to go to the devil. + +These women in the home circle, and especially aunts, are always the +same; firstly, they badger one to get married, and then if they think +one is contemplating such a step they are all agog to find out whether +she is suitable! + + * * * * * + +Three more boats, two of which are U.C.'s, are overdue. It is +distinctly unpleasant not knowing how or where they go, though the U.B. +boat (Friederich Althofen) made her incoming position the day before +yesterday as off Dungeness, so it looks as if the barrage at Dover +which got Weissman has got Althofen as well. I wonder what new devilry +they have put down there. + +How one wishes that in 1914, instead of seeking the capture of Paris, +we had realized the importance of the Channel Ports to England, and +struck for them! + +It would not have been necessary to strike even in September, 1914. We +could have walked into them. Dunkirk, at all events, should have been +ours; however, we must do the best with things as they are, not that I +would consider it too late even now to make a big push for the French +coast. + +It would seem, as a matter of fact, that all the pushing is to be at +the other end of the line, in the Verdun sector, from the rumours I +hear, though I should have thought once bitten twice shy in that +quarter. + + * * * * * + +Saw Zoe again in the distance, and I think she saw me; at all events +she turned round and walked away. + +This girl whom I cannot, and would not if I could, obliterate from my +thoughts, is causing me much worry. + +She shows no sign of giving in, and I for one intend to be adamant. I +shall defeat her in time. The male intellect is always ultimately +victorious, other things being equal. I was reading Schopenhauer on the +subject last night. What a brain that man had, though I confess his +analysis of the female mentality is so terribly and truthfully cruel +that it jars on certain of my feelings. + +Zoe's resolution in this conflict, this sex war one might call it, only +adds to her charm in my eyes; she is, I feel, a worthy mate for me, +both intellectually and physically, and she shall be mine--I have +decided it. + +Met Rosa to-day at old Max's house, where I went to pay a duty call. + +Her Excellency is as forbidding a specimen of her sex as any I have +ever met. She quite frightened me, and in the home circle the old man +seemed quite subdued. + +I escorted Rosa home, and on the way to her hospital she gave me a +great surprise, as after much evasive talk she suddenly came out with +the news that she was engaged to Heinrich Baumer, of U.C.23. I was +quite taken aback, and will frankly confess that not so very long ago I +imagined, evidently erroneously, that she was disposed to let her +affections become engaged in another quarter. However, I was really +very glad to hear this news, and congratulated her with genuine +feeling. + +The knowledge that she was a promised woman quite altered my feelings +towards her, and before I quite meant to, I had told her a considerable +amount about Zoe. It gave me much relief to be able to unburden myself, +and confide my difficulties elsewhere than in the pages of this +journal. + +I have asked the girl to tea to-morrow. + + * * * * * + +A vile air raid last night. British machines, of course. They seemed +determined to get over the town, and from 1 a.m. to 3 a.m. relays of +machines (of which not _one_ was shot down) attacked us. The din was +tremendous, and all sleep was out of the question. + +Morning revealed surprisingly little damage, as is often the case in +these big raids, whereas a few bombs from a chance machine often work +havoc. I was down at 50 B.C. aerodrome this morning, and heard that as +soon as the moon suits we are going to make Dunkirk sit up as +retaliation for last night's efforts. There were also rumours of big +attacks impending on London as soon as the new type of Gothas are +delivered. That will shake the smug security of those cursed islanders. + +Rosa came to tea, and afterwards I told her more about Zoe, and as I +expect any day to be appointed to the periscope school at Kiel, I asked +Rosa to try and effect an introduction to Zoe, and do what she could +for me. Rosa gave me the impression that she was somewhat surprised +that I should have had any difficulty with Zoe (of course I had not +told her of the shooting-box scene). Rosa evidently thinks any woman +ought to be honoured.... + +Perhaps I was not so far wrong in my surmises as to Rosa's previous +inclinations--I wonder; at any rate she will undoubtedly make Baumer a +good wife, and she will probably be very fruitful and grow still fatter +and housewifely. She is of a type of woman appointed by God in his +foresight as breeders. Zoe, my adorable one, will probably not take +kindly to babies. + + * * * * * + +I am ordered to report myself at Kiel by next Monday. + +I am terribly tempted to ring up Zoe on the telephone before I leave: +it seems dreadful to leave her without a word; but at the same time I +feel that she would interpret this as a sign of weakness on my part--as +indeed it would be. I must be firm, for strength of mind pays with +women, even more than with men. + + + + +_At Kiel_. + + +I left Bruges without a word either to or from my obstinate darling. + +It is torture being away from her. I had thought that when I was here +and not exposed to the temptation of going round and seeing her, that +it would be easier; it is not. I long to write, and how I wonder +whether she is feeling it as I do. + +I have read somewhere that a woman's passion once aroused is more +ungovernable than a man's. That her whole being cries aloud for me +cannot be doubted, and if the above statement is true what +inflexibility of will she must be showing--it almost makes me fear--but +no, I will defeat her in this strange contest, and she shall be my +wife. + +The work here is strenuous, and the grass does not grow under one's +feet. The course for commanding officers lasts four weeks, and +terminates in an exceedingly practical but rather fearsome test--i.e., +they have six steamers here camouflaged after the English fashion with +dazzle painting, and these six steamers, protected by launches and +harbour defence craft, steam across Kiel Bay in the manner of a convoy. +The officer being examined has to attack this group of ships in one of +the instructional submarines, and in three attacks he must score at +least two hits, or else, in theory, he is returned to general service +in the Fleet. + +Fortunately at the moment I hear that owing to recent losses they are +distinctly on the short side where submarine officers are concerned, so +they'll probably make it easy when I do my test. + + * * * * * + +I see I have written nothing here for a fortnight; this is due to two +causes: Firstly, I have been so extraordinarily busy, and, secondly, I +have been most depressed through a letter I received from Fritz. It +contained two items of bad news. + +In the first place, I heard for the first time of the tragedy of +Heinrich Baumer's boat, and to my astonishment Fritz tells me that Rosa +and another girl were in her when she was lost! + +It appears that she was to go out for a couple of hours' diving off the +port as a matter of routine after her two months' overhaul. She went +out at 10 a.m., and was sighted from the signal station at the end of +the mole at 11.30, when almost immediately afterwards there was an +explosion and she disappeared. Motor-boats were quickly on the scene, +but only debris came to the surface. Divers were sent down, and +reported that she was in ten metres of water completely shattered. It +is assumed, for lack of other explanation, that she struck a chance +drifting mine which was moving down the coast on the tide. + +Meanwhile Rosa and another sister were missing from the hospital, and +after forty-eight hours someone put two and two together and started +investigations. It has been ascertained that Baumer motored down from +Bruges after breakfast, and that in the car were two figures taken to +be sailors, as they were muffled up in oilskins. This fact was noted by +the control sentries, as, though the day was showery, it was not +raining hard. Other scraps of evidence unite in showing that these were +the two girls who had apparently induced Baumer to take them out for a +dive as a treat. + +What a tragedy! However, it must have been quite instantaneous. Poor +Rosa, with all her vanities about war work, to think that the war would +claim her like that! [1] + +[Footnote 1: It is known that a boat with women on board was lost +whilst exercising off Zeebrugge in the Spring of 1917. This would +appear to be the boat in question.--ETIENNE.] + +Fritz added that old Max is almost off his head with rage over the +whole business, and it is difficult to say whether he is more angry +over Baumer and the boat being lost, or over the fact that Baumer being +dead he is unable to administer those "disciplinary actions" in which +he delights. + + * * * * * + +Great excitement here, as the day after to-morrow His Imperial Majesty +the Kaiser and Hindenburg are due to pay Kiel a surprise visit. We are +to be inspected and addressed. Tremendous preparations are going on. + + * * * * * + +His Majesty, accompanied by the great Field-Marshal, inspected us this +morning, and made a fine speech, of which we have been given printed +copies. I shall frame mine and hang it in my boat, if I get a command. + +I transcribe it: + +"Officers and men of the U-boat service: + +"In the midst of the anxious moments in which we live I have determined +to make time to come and witness in my own person the labours of those +on whom I and the Fatherland rely. Fresh from the great battles on the +West which are gnawing at the vitals of our hereditary enemies, I come +to those whose glorious mission it will be to strike relentlessly at +our most deadly and cunning enemy--cursed Britain. God is on our side +and will protect you at sea for, in the striking at the nation which +openly boasts that it aims at starving our women and children, you are +engaged on a mission of undoubted holiness. + +"You must sink and destroy even as of old the Israelites smote and +destroyed the alien races. + +"To the officers I would particularly say, my person is your honour, +and I am your supreme chief. From my hands you will receive honour, and +from my hands will proceed just punishment for the unhappy ones who +fail in their duty. + +"To the men I would say, trust and obey your officers as you would your +God. Officers and men! In you, your Kaiser and Fatherland place their +trust--let neither be disappointed!" + +After his address, His Majesty graciously spoke a few words to +individuals, of whom I had the signal honour of being one. I felt that +I was in the presence of an Emperor. His gestures, his eyes, his voice, +impressed me as belonging to a man born to command and to fill high +places. The Field-Marshal never opened his mouth. I understand from his +A.D.C. that he rarely speaks in public. + + * * * * * + +The Colonel is KILLED! When I think about it, I am so excited I can +hardly write! + +I heard the great news last night, quite by accident. I was sitting in +the Mess after dinner, and picked up _Die Woche_, and glancing at the +pictures, I suddenly saw the portrait of Colonel Stein, of the +Brandenburgers, killed on the 7th instant near Ypres. I recognized the +ugly and bloated face immediately from the photograph of him which she +had once shown me. + +My first impulse was to send her a wire, but, on thinking matters over, +I decided that it would be difficult to put all my thoughts into the +curt sentences of a telegram, and, further, that as all wires are +doubtless examined at the Main Post Office at Bruges, it might lead to +trouble, so I wrote her a letter. + +This, in a way, has been an exhibition of weakness on my part, as I had +promised myself that I would not take the first step in reopening +communication; but I feel that the fortunate death of Stein has +completely altered the case. I told her in the letter that I realized +that I had made mistakes, but that if she still loved me with half the +strength that I loved her, then a telegram to me would make me the +happiest of men. + +I wrote that yesterday, but have had no wire. Perhaps, like me, she +distrusts telegrams and prefers letters. + + * * * * * + +A long letter from Zoe: an accursed fetter--an abominable letter--a +damnable letter; she still refuses to marry me. I leave for Bruges +to-night on forty-eight hours' special leave. + + + + +_Kiel, 17th._ + + +I hate Zoe, she has broken my heart. + +After her preposterous letter of the 14th, I decided that in a matter +which so closely affected my happiness no stone ought to remain +unturned to ensure a satisfactory solution of the problem, so I +determined to have a personal interview. I arrived at Bruges after tea +and went at once to the flat. + +I tackled her immediately on the subject of her letter, and told her +that naturally I understood that a decent interval must elapse before +we married; but, granted this fact, I told her that I failed to see +what prevented our marriage. + +A most unpleasant and harrowing scene ensued, the details of which form +such painful recollections that I really cannot write them down here, +though in the passage of months I have acquired the habit of writing in +the pages of this journal with the same freedom as I would talk to that +wife whom I had hoped to possess. She maintained an obstinate silence +when I urged her to give me at least some tangible reason as to why she +would not marry me. She contented herself and maddened me by reflecting +in a kind of monotone: "I love you, Karl! and am yours, but I cannot +marry you." + +I could have beaten her till she was senseless, but I had enough sense +to realize that with Zoe, whose resolution, considering she is a woman, +amazes me, force is not the best method. As I continued to press her +(time was important: had I not journeyed far to see her?), those +glorious eyes of hers, which I love and whose power I dread, filled +with tears. I was a brute! I was heartless! I was inconsiderate! I +could not love her! I was cruel! And I know not what other accusation +crushed me down. + +Broken-hearted and dispirited, I told her to choose there and then. + +She collapsed on to a sofa in a storm of tears, and after a severe +mental struggle I took the only possible course, and leaving the +room--left her for ever. I have resumed my service life determined to +cast her out from my mind. + +I will not deceive myself: it will be hard. Love and Logic are deadly +enemies, but Logic must and shall prevail. Though I have seen her for +the last time, I cannot escape the net of fascination which the girl +has thrown over me. Perhaps in the course of time I shall slowly emerge +and free myself from its entanglements. At present I hate her for this +blow she has dealt me, and yet, O Zoe! my darling, how I long to be +with you! + + * * * * * + +To-day I went through my final test for qualification as U-boat +commander. + +At 9 a.m. I proceeded to sea in command of the U.11, one of the +instructional boats here. We proceeded out into Kiel Bay. On board and +watching my every movement was a committee consisting of a commander +and two lieutenant-commanders. + +On arrival at the entrance lightship, I was ordered to attack a convoy +of camouflaged ships which were just visible about fifteen kilometres +away off the Spit Bank. I had a very shrewd idea as to the course they +would steer, and on coming up for my final observation I found myself +in an excellent position, 1,000 metres on the bow of the leading ship. +The rest was easy. I gave the leader the two bow torpedoes, and, +turning sixteen points, fired my stern tube at the third ship of the +line. Two hits were obtained, and I returned to harbour well pleased +with myself. There is not the slightest chance of having failed to +qualify. + + * * * * * + +My confidence in myself was not misplaced; I heard to-day that I am on +the command list, and anticipate in a few days being appointed to a +boat. I wonder which craft I shall get? + + * * * * * + +I met the A.D.C. to the Chief of the Staff at the school, at the +gardens, and in conversation with him discovered that he had heard that +three boats were being detached from the Flanders flotilla for an +unknown destination. This has given me an idea, for I feel that I can +never return to Bruges, and I was rather dreading being appointed to +one of the boats there. I have dropped a line to Fritz Regels, who is +on old Max's staff, and told him that I do not wish to return to +Bruges, and I further hinted that I understood a detached squadron was +proceeding somewhere, and, as far as I was concerned, the further the +better, if I could get into it. + +I have tried the night life at this place at the Mascotte and +Trocadero, [1] in order to forget, but it is a poor consolation. + +[Footnote 1: Two well-known cabarets at Kiel.--ETIENNE.] + + * * * * * + +A letter from Fritz, saying that he has an idea that Korting's boat +would suit me, though he could not of course give me further details in +a letter; however, he informs me positively that I shall not be at +Bruges. + +On the strength of this I have wired to Fritz, and asked him to try and +fix up an exchange between me and Korting, provided the latter is +agreeable and the people in Max's office have no objection. I have a +recollection that Korting's boat is one of the U.40--U.60 class, which +would suit me admirably, and, as for destination, I care not where it +is, provided only that it be far from Bruges. + + + + +_At sea_. + + +I have quite neglected my poor old journal for several weeks. But I +have passed through an extraordinarily busy period. + +It was approved that I should relieve Korting, whose boat, the U.59, I +discovered to be refitting at Wilhelmshaven. I was very pleased not to +go back to Bruges, though as we steam steadily north at this moment I +cannot escape a sense of deep disappointment that upon my return from +this trip I shall not enjoy as of old the fascination of Zoe. But I +shall have plenty of time to get accustomed to this idea, for this is +no ordinary trip. + +We are bound for the North Cape and Murman Coast, where we remain until +well into the cold weather--at any rate, for three months. + +Our mission is to work off that fogbound and desolate coast, and attack +the constant stream of traffic between England and Archangel. There are +two other boats besides ourselves on the job, but we shall all be +working far apart. + +Our first billet is off the North Cape. In order to save time, we are +to be provisioned once a month in one of the fjords. I don't imagine +the Admiralty will have any difficulty in getting supplies up to us, as +at the moment we are off the Lofotens, and we actually have not had to +dive since we left the Bight! + +There seems to be nothing on the sea except ourselves. Where is the +much vaunted and impenetrable web of blockade which the English are +supposed to have spread around us? And yet many raw materials are +getting very short with us. I see that in this boat they have replaced +several copper pipes with steel ones during her refit, and this will +lead to trouble unless we are careful--steel pipes corrode so badly +that I never feel ready to trust them for pressure work. + +The truth about the blockade is that it is largely a paper blockade, +yet not ineffective for all that. Unfortunately for us, the damned +English and their hangers-on control the cables of the world, and hence +all the markets, and I don't suppose, to take the case of copper, that +a single pound of it is mined from the Rio Tinto without the British +Board of Trade knowing all about it. The neutral firms simply dare not +risk getting put on to the British Black List; it means ruination for +them. And then all these dollar-grabbing Yankees, enjoying all the +advantages of war without any of its dangers--they make me sick. + +This seems a most profitable job. I have only been up seven days, but +I've bagged four steamers, all by gun-fire, and all fat ships, brimful +of stuff for the Russians. My practice has been to make the North Cape +every day or two to fix position, as the currents are the most abnormal +in these parts, and I should say that the "Sailing Directions Pilotage +Handbook" and "Tidal Charts" were compiled by a gentleman at a desk who +had never visited these latitudes. + +At the moment I am standing well out to sea, as the immediate vicinity +of the North Cape has become rather unhealthy. + +Yesterday afternoon (I had sunk number four in the morning, and the +crew were still pulling for the coast) four British trawlers turned up. +These damned little craft seem to turn up wherever one goes. I longed +to have a bang at them with my gun, but, apart from the uncertainty as +to what they carried in the way of armament, I have strict orders to +avoid all that sort of thing, so I dived and steamed slowly west, came +up at dusk and proceeded to charge up my batteries. + +These U.6O's are excellent boats, and I am very lucky to get one so +soon. I suppose Korting, being a married man, wants to stay near his +wife. I cannot write that word without painful memories of Zoe and idle +thoughts of what might have been. Well, perhaps it is for the best. I +am not sure that a member of the U-boat service has the right to get +married in war-time, for unless he is of exceptional mentality it must +affect his outlook under certain circumstances, though I think I should +have been an exception here. Then the anxiety to the woman must be +enormous; as every trip comes round a voice must cry within her, this +may be the last. The contrast between the times in harbour and the +trips is so violent, so shattering and clear cut. + +With a soldier's wife, she merely knows that he is at the front; with +us, at 8 p.m. one may be kissing one's wife in Bruges, and at 6 a.m. +creeping with nerves on edge through the unknown dangers of the Dover +Barrage--but I have strayed from what I meant to write about--my first +command and her crew. + +The quarters in this class are immensely superior to the U.C.-boats. +Here I have a little cabin to myself, with a knee-hole table in it. My +First Lieutenant, the Navigator and the Engineer have bunks in a room +together, and then we have a small officers' mess. + +On this job up here, as we are not to return to Germany for supplies, +and, consequently, I should say we may have to live on what we can get +out of steamers, I don't propose to use my torpedoes unless I meet a +warship or an exceptionally large steamer. + +The gun's the thing, as Arnauld de la Perriere has proved in the +Mediterranean; but half the fellows won't follow his example, simply +because they don't realize that it's no use employing the gun unless it +is used accurately, and good shooting only comes after long drill. + +I have impressed this fact on my gun crew, and particularly the two +gun-layers, and I make Voigtman (my young First Lieutenant) take the +crew through their loading drill twice a day, together with practice of +rapid manning of the gun after a "surface" or rapid abandonment of the +gun should the diving alarms sound in the middle of practice. I have +also impressed on Voigtman that I consider that he is the gun control +officer, and that I expect him to make the efficient working of the gun +his main consideration. + +As regards the crew, they are the usual mixed crowd that one gets +nowadays: half of them are old sailors, the others recruits and new +arrivals from the Fleet. My main business at the moment is to get the +youngsters into shape, and for this purpose I have been doing a number +of crash dives. It also gives me an opportunity of getting used to the +boat's peculiarities under water. She seems to have a tendency to +become tail-heavy, but this may be due to bad trimming. + +Voigtman has been in U.B.43 for nine months, and seems a capable +officer. Socially, I don't think he can boast of much descent, but he +has no airs, and treats me with pleasing respect, apart from service +considerations. + + * * * * * + +A very awkward accident took place this morning, which resulted in +severe injury to Johann Wiener, my second coxswain. + +A party of men under his direction were engaged in shifting the stern +torpedo from its tube, in order to replace it with a spare torpedo, as +I never allow any of my torpedoes to stay in the tube for more than a +week at a time owing to corrosion. The torpedo which had been in the +tube had been launched back and was on the floor plates. + +The spare torpedo, destined for the vacant tube, was hanging overhead, +when without any warning the hook on the lifting band fractured, and +the 1,000 kilogrammes' mass of metal crashed down. + +Wonderful to relate, no one was killed, but two men were badly bruised, +and Wiener has been very seriously injured. He was standing astride the +spare torpedo, and his right leg was extremely badly crushed, mostly +below the knee. + +Unfortunately it took about ten minutes to release him from his +position of terrible agony. I should have expected him to faint, but he +did not. His face went dead white, and he began to sweat freely, but +otherwise endured his ordeal with praiseworthy fortitude. + +[Illustration: "The 1,000 kilogrammes of metal crashed down."] + +[Illustration: "Good-bye! Steer west for America!"] + +[Illustration: "It is a snug anchorage and here I intend to remain."] + +I am now confronted with a perplexing situation. I cannot take him back +to Germany; I cannot even leave my station and proceed south to any of +the Norwegian ports. If I could find a neutral steamer with a doctor on +board, I would tranship him to her; but the chances of this God-send +materializing are a thousand to one in these latitudes. If I sighted a +hospital ship I would close her, but as far as I know at present there +are no hospital ships running up here. The chances of outside +assistance may therefore be reckoned as nil. Wiener's hope of life +depends on me, and I cannot make up my mind to take the step which +sooner or later must be taken--that is to say, amputation. + +It is a curious fact, but true, nevertheless, that although, as a +result of the war, men's lives, considered in quantity, seem of little +importance, when it comes to the individual case, a personal contact, a +man's life assumes all its pre-war importance. + +I feel acutely my responsibility in this matter. I see from his papers +that he is a married man with a family; this seems to make it worse. I +feel that a whole chain of people depend on me. + + * * * * * + +Since I wrote the above words this morning, Wiener has taken a decided +turn for the worse. + +I have been reading the "Medical Handbook," with reference to the +remarks on amputation, gangrene, etc., and I have also been examining +his leg. The poor devil is in great pain, and there is no doubt that +mortification has set in, as was indeed inevitable. I have decided that +he must have his last chance, and that at 8 p.m. to-night I will +endeavour to amputate. + + + + +_Midnight_. + + +I have done it--only partially successful. + + * * * * * + +Last night, in accordance with my decision, I operated on Wiener. +Voigtman assisted me. It was a terrible business, but I think it +desirable to record the details whilst they are fresh in my memory, as +a Court of Inquiry may be held later on. Voigtman and I spent the whole +afternoon in the study of such meagre details on the subject as are +available in the "Medical Handbook." We selected our knives and a saw +and sterilized them; we also disinfected our hands. + +At 7.45 I dived the boat to sixty metres, at which depth the boat was +steady. We had done our best with the wardroom-table, and upon this the +patient was placed. I decided to amputate about four inches above the +knee, where the flesh still seemed sound. I considered it impracticable +to administer an anaesthetic, owing to my absolute inexperience in this +matter. + +Three men held the patient down, as with a firm incision I began the +work. The sawing through the bone was an agonizing procedure, and I +needed all my resolution to complete the task. Up to this stage all had +gone as well as could be expected, when I suddenly went through the +last piece of bone and cut deep into the flesh on the other side. An +instantaneous gush of blood took place, and I realized that I had +unexpectedly severed the popliteal artery, before Voigtman, who was +tying the veins, was ready to deal with it. + +I endeavoured to staunch the deadly flow by nipping the vein between my +thumb and forefinger, whilst Voigtman hastily tried to tie it. Thinking +it was tied, I released it, and alas! the flow at once started again; +once more I seized the vein, and once again Voigtman tried to tie it. +Useless--we could not stop the blood. He would undoubtedly have bled to +death before our eyes, had not Voigtman cauterized the place with an +electric soldering-iron which was handy. + +Much shaken, I completed the amputation, and we dressed the stump as +well as we could. + +At the moment of writing he is still alive, but as white as snow; he +must have lost litres of blood through that artery. + + + + +9 _p.m._ + + +Wiener died two hours ago. I should say the immediate cause of death +was shock and loss of blood. I did my best. + + * * * * * + +We have been out on this extended patrol area seven days, but not a +wisp of smoke greets our eyes. + +Nothing but sea, sea, sea. Oh, how monotonous it is! I cannot make out +where the shipping has got to. Tomorrow I am going to close the North +Cape again. I think everything must be going inside me. I am too far +out here. + + * * * * * + +The North Cape bears due east. Nothing afloat in sight. Where the devil +can all the shipping be? In ten days' time I am due to meet my supply +ship; meanwhile I think I'll have to take another cast out, of three +hundred miles or so. + + * * * * * + +Nothing in sight, nothing, nothing. + +The barometer falling fast and we are in for a gale. I have decided to +make the coast again, as I don't want to fail to turn up punctually at +the rendezvous. + + * * * * * + +In the Standarak-Landholm Fjord--thank heavens. + +Heavens! we have had a time. We were still two hundred and fifty miles +from the coast when we were caught by the gale. And a gale up here is a +gale, and no second thoughts about it. To say it blew with the force of +ten thousand devils is to understate the case. The sea came on to us in +huge foaming rollers like waves of attacking infantry intent on +overwhelming us. + +We struggled east at about three knots. But she stuck it magnificently. +Low scudding clouds obscured the sky and came like a procession of +ghosts from the north-east. Sun observations were impossible for two +reasons. Firstly, no one could get on deck; secondly, there was no +visible sun. This lasted for three days, at the end of which time we +had only the vaguest idea as to where we were. + +The gale then blew out, but, contrary to all expectations, was +succeeded by a most abominable fog, thick and white like cotton-wool. +These were hardly ideal conditions under which to close a rocky and +unknown coast, but it had to be done. The trouble was that it was +entirely useless taking soundings, as the twenty-metre depth-line on +the chart went right up to the land. We crept slowly eastwards, till, +when by dead reckoning we were ten miles inside the coast, the +Navigator accidentally leant on the whistle lever; this action on his +part probably saved the ship, as an immediate echo answered the blast. +In an instant we were going full-speed astern. We altered course +sixteen points and proceeded ten miles westerly, where we lay on and +off the coast all night, cursing the fog. + +Next day it lifted, and we spent the whole time trying to find the +entrance to the S. Landholm Fjord. The coast appeared to bear no +resemblance to the chart whatsoever. + +The cliffs stand up to a height of several hundred metres, with +occasional clefts where a stream runs down. There are no trees, houses, +animals, or any signs of life, except sea birds, of which there are +myriads. The Engineer declares he saw a reindeer, but five other people +on deck failed to see any signs of the beast. + +After hours of nosing about, during which my heart was in my mouth, as +I quite expected to fetch up on a pinnacle rock, items which are +officially described in the Handbook as being "very numerous," we +rounded a bluff and got into a place which seems to answer the +description of S. Landholm. At any rate, it is a snug anchorage, and +here I intend to remain for a few days, and hope for my store-ship to +turn up. + +I've posted a daylight look-out on top of the bluff; it would be very +awkward to be caught unawares in this place, which is only about 150 +metres wide in places. + +I'm taking advantage of the rest to give the crew some exercises and +execute various minor repairs to the Diesels. + + * * * * * + +Yesterday we fought what must be one of the most remarkable single-ship +actions of the war. + +At 9 a.m. the look-out on the cliffs reported smoke to the northward. + +I got the anchor up and made ready to push off, but still kept the +look-out ashore. At 9.30 he reported a destroyer in sight, which seemed +serious if she chose to look into my particular nook. + +At any rate, I thought, I wouldn't be caught like a rat, so I got my +look-out on board--a matter of ten minutes--and then proceeded out, +trimmed down and ready for diving. + +When I drew clear of the entrance I saw the enemy distant about a +thousand metres. I at once recognized her as being one of the oldest +type of Russian torpedo boats afloat. When I established this fact, a +devil entered into my mind, and did a most foolhardy act. + +I decided that I would not retreat beneath the sea, but that I would +fight her as one service ship to another. + +When I make up my mind, I do so in no uncertain manner--indecision is +abhorrent to me--and I sharply ordered, "Gun's Crew--Action." + +I can still see the comical look of wonderment which passed over my +First Lieutenant's face, but he knows me, and did not hesitate an +instant. We drilled like a battleship, and in sixty-five seconds--I +timed it as a matter of interest--from my order we fired the first +shot. It fell short. + +Extraordinary to relate, the torpedo boat, without firing a gun, put +her helm hard over, and started to steam away at her full speed, which +I suppose was about seventeen knots. + +I actually began to chase her--a submarine chasing a torpedo boat! It +was ludicrous. + +With broad smiles on their faces, my good gun's crew rapidly fired the +gun, and we had the satisfaction of striking her once, near her after +funnel, but it did no vital damage, as a few minutes afterwards she +drew out of range! What a pack of incompetent cowards! + +They never fired a shot at us. I suppose half of them were drunk or +else in a state of semi-mutiny, for one hears strange tales of affairs +in Russia these days. + +The whole incident was quite humorous, but I realized that I had hardly +been wise, as without doubt the English will hear of this, and these +trawlers of theirs will turn up, and I'm certainly not going to try any +heroics with John Bull, who is as tough a fighter as we are. + +Meanwhile, what of the supply ship, for I'm supposed to meet her here, +and it's already twenty-four hours since yesterday's epoch-making +battle and I expect the English any moment. + + * * * * * + +My doubts were removed for me since I received special orders at noon +by high-power wireless from Nordreich, and on decoding them found that, +for some reason or other, we are ordered to proceed to Muckle Flugga +Cape, and thence down the coast of Shetlands to the Fair Island +Channel, where we are directed to cruise till further orders. Special +warning is included as to encountering friendly submarines. + +It appears to me that a special concentration of U-boats is being +ordered round about the Orkneys, and that some big scheme is on hand. + +We are now steering south-westerly to make Muckle Flugga, which I hope +to do in four days' time if the weather holds. + +These Northern waters have proved very barren of shipping in the last +few weeks, and this fact, coupled with the approaching winter weather, +which must be fiendish in these latitudes, makes me quite ready to +exchange the Archangel billet for the work round the Orkneys and +Shetlands, though this is damnable enough in the winter, in all +conscience. + +There is only one fly in the ointment, and that is that this premature +return to North Sea waters might conceivably mean a visit to Zeebrugge, +though this class are not likely to be sent there. + +Though it is many weeks since I left Zoe, I have not been able to +forget her. I continually wonder what she is doing, and often when I am +not on my guard she wanders into my thoughts. + +Whilst I am up here, it does not matter much, except that it causes me +unhappiness, but if I found myself at Bruges it would be very hard. +However, I don't suppose I shall ever see her again. + + * * * * * + +Sighted Muckle Flugga this morning, and shaped course for Fair Island. + + * * * * * + +Oh! what a hell I have passed through. I can hardly realize that I am +alive, but I am, though whether I shall be to-morrow morning is +doubtful--it all depends on the weather, and who would willingly stake +their life on North Sea weather at this time of the year? + +Curses on the man who sent us to the Fair Island Channel. Where the +devil is our Intelligence Service? If we make Flanders I have a story +to tell that will open their eyes, blind bats that they are, +luxuriating in the comfort of their fat staff jobs ashore. + +The Fair Island Channel is an English death-trap; it stinks with death. +By cursed luck we arrived there just as the English were trying one of +their new devices, and it is the devil. Exactly what the system is, I +don't quite know, and I hope never again to have to investigate it. + +For forty-seven, hours we have been hunted like a rat, and now, with +the pressure hull leaking in three places, and the boat half full of +chlorine, we are struggling back on the surface, practically incapable +of diving at least for more than ten minutes at a time. Even on the +surface, with all the fans working, one must wear a gas mask to +penetrate the fore compartment. Oh! these English, what devils they +are! + +Here is what happened: + +Fair Island was away on our port beam when we sighted a large English +trawler, which I suspected of being a patrol. To be on the safe side, I +dived and proceeded at twenty metres for about an hour. + +At 5 p.m. (approximately) I came up to periscope depth to have a look +round, but quickly dived again as I discovered a trawler, steering on +the same course as myself, about a thousand metres astern of me. This +was the more disconcerting, as in the short time at my disposal it +seemed to me that she was remarkably similar to the craft I had seen in +the afternoon, and yet this hardly seemed likely, as I did not think +she could have sighted me then. + +On diving, I altered course ninety degrees, and proceeded for half an +hour at full speed, then altered another ninety degrees, in the same +direction as the previous alteration, and diving to thirty metres I +proceeded at dead slow. By midnight I had been diving so much that I +decided to get a charge on the batteries before dawn; I also wanted to +be up at 1 a.m. to make my position report. + +I surfaced after a good look round through the right periscope, which, +as usual, revealed nothing. I had hardly got on the bridge, when a +flash of flame stabbed the night on the starboard beam and a shell +moaned just overhead. + +I crash-dived at once, but could not get under before the enemy fired a +second shot at us, which fortunately missed us. As we dived I ordered +the helm hard a starboard, to counteract the expected depth-charge +attack. We must have been a hundred and fifty metres from the first +charge and a little below it, five others followed in rapid succession, +but were further away, and we suffered no damage beyond a couple of +broken lights. The situation was now extremely unpleasant. I did not +dare venture to the surface, and thus missed my 1 a.m. signal from +Headquarters. I wanted a charge badly, and so proceeded at the lowest +possible speed. At regular intervals our enemy dropped one depth-charge +somewhere astern of us, but these reports always seemed the same +distance away. + +At dawn I very cautiously came up to periscope depth, and had a look. +To my consternation I discovered our relentless pursuer about 1,500 +metres away on the port quarter. In some extraordinary manner he had +tracked us during the night. + +I dived and altered course through ninety degrees to south. + +At 9 a.m. a tremendous explosion shook the boat from stem to stern, +smashing several lights, and giving her a big inclination up by the +bow. + +As I was only at twenty metres I feared the boat would break surface, +and our enemy was evidently very nearly right over us. I at once +ordered hard to dive, and went down to the great depth of ninety-five +metres. + +A series of shattering explosions somewhere above us showed that we +were marked down, and we were only saved from destruction by our great +depth, the English charges being set apparently to about thirty metres. + +At noon the situation was critical in the extreme. My battery density +was down to 1,150, the few lamps that I had burning were glowing with a +faint, dull red appearance, which eloquently told of the falling +voltage and the dying struggles of the battery. + +The motors with all fields out were just going round. The faces of the +crew, pallid with exhaustion, seemed of an ivory whiteness in the dusky +gloom of the boat, which never resembled a gigantic and fantastically +ornamental coffin so closely as she did at that time. + +The air was fetid. I struck a match; it went out in my fingers. The +slightest effort was an agony. I bent down to take off my sea-boots, +and cold sweat dropped off my forehead, and my pulse rose with a kind +of jerk to a rapid beating, like a hammer. + +I left one sea-boot on. + +At 1 p.m. a deputation of the crew came aft, and in whispered voices +implored me to surface the boat and make a last effort on the surface. +A muffled report, as our implacable enemy dropped a depth-charge +somewhere astern of us, added point to the conversation, and showed me +that our appearance on the surface could have but one end. + +At 3 p.m. the second coxswain, who was working the hydroplanes, fell +off his stool in a dead faint. + +At 3.30 p.m. the supreme crisis was reached: two more men fainted, and +I realized that if I did not surface at once I might find the crew +incapable of starting the Diesels. + +At the order "Surface," a feeble cheer came from the men. + +We surfaced, and I dragged myself-up to the conning tower. Luckily we +started the Diesels with ease, and in a few minutes gusts of beautiful +air were circulating through the boat. + +Meanwhile, what of the enemy? I had half expected a shell as soon as we +came up, and it was with great anxiety that I looked round. We had been +slightly favoured by fortune in that the only thing in sight was a +trawler away on the port beam. It was our hunter. + +I trimmed right down, hoping to avoid being seen, as it was essential +to stay on the surface and get some amperes into the battery. I also +altered course away from him. + +It was about 5 p.m. that I saw two trawlers ahead, one on each bow. By +this time the boat's crew had quite recovered, but I did not wish to +dive, as the battery was still pitiably low. I gradually altered course +to north-east, but after half an hour's run I almost ran on top of a +group of patrols in the dusk. + +I crash-dived, and they must have seen me go down, as a few minutes +later the boat was violently shaken by a depth-charge. + +We were at twenty metres, still diving at the time. I consulted the +chart, but could find no bottoming ground within fifty miles, a +distance which was quite beyond my powers. + +At 11 p.m. I simply had to come up again and get a charge on the +batteries. + +From 7 p.m. to 10 p.m., at regular half-hourly intervals, a +depth-charge had gone off somewhere within a radius of two miles of me. +Needless to say, I was only crawling along at about one knot and +altering course frequently. What was so terrible was the patent fact +that the patrols in this area had evidently got some device which +enabled them to keep in continual touch with me to a certain extent. + +These monotonous and regular depth-charges seemed to say: "We know, Oh! +U-boat, that we are somewhere near you, and here is a depth-charge just +to tell you that we haven't lost you yet." [1] + +[Footnote 1: Karl was quite right; it is evident that he had the +misfortune to encounter one of our new hydrophone-hunting groups, just +started In the Fair Island Channel. The incident of the depth-charges +every half-hour was known as "Tickling up." Probably the patrol only +heard faint noises from him.--ETIENNE.] + +As an hour had elapsed since the last depth-charge, I felt fairly happy +at coming up, and on making the surface I was delighted to find a +pitch-black night and a considerable sea. From 10 p.m. to 1 a.m. I +actually had three hours of peace, and in this period I managed to cram +a considerable amount of stuff into the batteries. The densities were +rising nicely and all seemed well, when I did what I now see was a very +foolish thing. + +I made my 1 a.m. wireless report to Nordreich, in which I requested +orders at 3 a.m. and reported my position, together with the fact that +I had been badly hunted. + +In twenty-five minutes they were on me again! I had most idiotically +assumed that the English had no directional wireless in these parts. +They have. They've got everything that they have ever tried up there; +it was concentrated in that infernal Fair Island Channel. + +I was only saved by seeing a destroyer coming straight at me, +silhouetted against, the low-lying crescent of a new moon. When I dived +she was about six hundred metres away. As I have confessed to doing a +foolish thing, I give myself the pleasure of recording a cleverer move +on my part. I anticipated depth-charge attack as a matter of course, +but instead of going down to twenty-five metres, I kept her at twelve. + +The depth-charges came all right, seven smashing explosions, but, as I +had calculated, they were set to go off at about thirty metres, and so +were well below me. + +The boat was thrown bodily up by one, and I think the top of the +conning tower must have broken surface, but there was little danger of +this being seen in the prevailing water conditions. + + * * * * * + +I have just had to stop recording my experiences of the past +forty-eight hours, as the Navigator, who is on watch, sent down a +message to say that smoke was in sight. + +The next hour was full of anxiety, but by hauling off to port we +managed to lose it. I then had a little food, and I will now conclude +my account before trying again to get some sleep. + + + + +_The account continued._ + + +All my hopes of getting up again that night, both for the purpose of +charging and of getting the 3 a.m. signal, were doomed to be +disappointed, as the hydrophone operator kept on reporting the noise of +destroyers overhead. Occasional distant thuds seemed to indicate a +never-ending supply of depth-charges, but they were about four or five +miles from me. Perhaps some other unfortunate devil was going through +the fires of hell. + +At daylight on the second day my position was still miserable. The +battery was getting low again, the sea had gone down, and when I put my +periscope up at 9 a.m. the horizon seemed to be ringed with patrols. I +felt as if I was in an invisible net, and though I endeavoured to +conceal my apprehension from the crew, I could see from the listless +way they went about their duties that they realized that once again we +were near the end of our resources. + +All the forenoon we crept along at thirty metres, until the tension was +broken at 1 p.m. by a furious depth-charge attack. In some +extraordinary way they had located me again and closed in upon me. The +first charges were some little distance off, and as they got closer a +feeling of desperation overcame me, and I seriously contemplated ending +the agony by surfacing and fighting to the last with my gun. + +Curiously enough, the procedure that I adopted was the exact opposite. +I decided to dive deep. I went down to 114 metres. At this exceptional +depth, three rivets in the pressure hull began to leak, and jets of +water with the rigidity of bars of iron shot into the boat. I held on +for five minutes, which was sufficient to save me from the depth-charge +attack, though two which went off almost above me broke some lamps. I +then came up to twenty metres and slowly crawled on. Throughout the +long afternoon, though we were not directly attacked again, I heard +depth-charges on several occasions sufficiently close to me to +demonstrate that these implacable and tireless devils had an idea of +the area I was in. + +By a supreme effort, working one motor at the only speed it would go, +viz., "Dead slow," I managed to squeeze out the battery until I +estimated it must be dusk. + +There was only one thing to do--I surfaced. It was not as dark as I had +hoped, and I saw a fairly large sloop-like vessel, about eight thousand +metres away, on the port beam. She must have seen me simultaneously, as +the flash of a gun darted from her, the shell falling short. + +I couldn't dive; there seemed only one thing to do: fight and then die. +I ordered the gun's crew up, and the unequal duel began. We were going +full speed on the Diesels, and my course was east by north. A good deal +of water and spray was flying over the gun, and my crew had little hope +of doing much accurate shooting, but I have often found that when one +is being fired at there is nothing so comforting as the sound of one's +own gun. + +Our enemy was armed with two large guns, fifteen centimetres or over, +but had no speed, a discovery which raised my hopes again. It was soon +evident that, provided we were not heading for another patrol, if we +could survive ten minutes' shelling, we should be saved for the time +being by the fading light, which was evidently causing our enemy +increasing difficulties, as his shots alternated between very short and +very much over. + +I was actually congratulating the Navigator on our escape, and I had +just told the gun's crew to cease firing at the blurred outlines on the +port quarter from which the random shells still came, when there was a +sheet of yellow flame and a jar which threw me against the signalman. +The latter had been standing near the conning-tower hatch, and +unfortunately I knocked him off his balance, and he fell with a thud +into the upper conning tower. He had the good fortune to escape with a +couple of ribs broken, but when I recovered myself and got to my feet, +far worse consequences met my eyes. + +By the worst of ill-luck, a shell which must have been fired +practically at random had hit the gun just below the port trunnion. + +The result of the explosion was very severe. Four of the seven men at +the gun had been blown overboard, the breech worker was uninjured, +though from the way he swayed about it was evident that he was dazed, +and I expected to see him fall over the side at any moment. The +remaining two men were as dead as horse-flesh. + +The material damage was even more serious. The gun had been practically +thrown out of its cradle, but in the main the trunnion blocks had held +firm, and the whole pedestal had been carried over to starboard. + +The really terrible effects of this injury were not apparent at first +sight, but I soon realized them, for an hour later (we had shaken off +the sloop) I saw red flame on the horizon, which plainly indicated +flaming at the funnel from some destroyer doubtless looking for us at +high speed. + +I dived, intending to surface again as soon as possible. With this +intention in my head, I did not go below the upper conning tower. We +had barely got to ten metres, when loud cries from below and the +disquieting noise of rushing water told me that something was wrong. I +blew all tanks, surfaced, left the First Lieutenant on watch and went +below. + +There were five centimetres of water on the battery boards, and I +understood at once that we could never dive again. + +For the pedestal of the gun, in being forced over, had strained the +longitudinal seam of the pressure hull, to which it is bolted, and a +shower of water had come through as soon as we got under. + +It might have been hoped that this was enough, but no! our cup was not +yet full. Chlorine gas suddenly began to fill the fore-end. The salt +water running down into the battery tanks had found acid, and though I +ordered quantities of soda to be put down into the tank, it became, and +still is at the moment of writing, impossible to move forward of the +conning tower without putting on a gas mask and oxygen helmet. So we +are helpless, and at the mercy of any little trawler, or even the +weather. + +We have no gun; we cannot dive. The English must know that they have +hit us, and every hour I expect to see the hull of a destroyer climb +over the horizon astern. + +We are fortunate in two respects: in that for the time being the +weather seems to promise well, and our Diesels are thoroughly sound. + +We are ordered to Zeebrugge--I could have wished elsewhere for many +reasons, but it does not matter, as I cannot believe we are intended to +escape. + +I feel I would almost welcome an enemy ship, it would soon be over; but +this uncertainty and anxiety drags on for hour after hour--and now I +cannot sleep, though I haven't slept properly for over seventy hours. I +am so worn out that my body screams for sleep, but it is denied to me, +and so, lest I go mad, I write; it is better to do this, though my eyes +ache and the letters seem to wriggle, than to stand up on the bridge +looking for the smoke of our enemies, or to lie in my bunk and count +the revolutions of the Diesels; thousands of thousands of thudding +beats, one after the other, relentless hammer strokes. + +I have endured much. + + + + +_NOTE BY ETIENNE_ + + +_A break occurs in Karl von Schenk's diary at this juncture. Fortunately +the main outlines of the story are preserved owing to Zoe's long +letter, which was in a small packet inside the cover of the second +notebook. Zoe's letter will be reproduced in this book in its proper +chronological position, but in order to save the reader the trouble of +reading the book from the letter back to this point, a brief summary of +what took place is given here. The entries in his diary which follow +the words "I have endured much," are very meagre for a period which +seems to have been about a month in length. There is no further mention +of the latter stages of Karl's passage in the wrecked boat to +Zeebrugge, so it is presumed that he made that port without further +adventure. He was evidently on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and +appears to have been suffering from very severe insomnia. He had been +hunted for two days, during which he was perpetually on the verge of +destruction, and the cumulative effect of such an experience is bound +to leave its mark on the strongest man. When he got back to Zeebrugge +he must have been at the end of his tether, and whether by chance or +design it was when Karl was, as he would have said, "at a low mental +ebb" that Zoe made her last and successful attack upon his resolution +not to see her again unless she consented to marry him. It is plain +from her letter that when he left her after the stormy interview in +which he vowed never to see her again, Zoe did not lose hope. She seems +to have kept herself _au courant _with his movements, and actually to +have known when he was expected in. + +We know that she had many friends amongst the officers, and it is +probable that from one of these she was able to get information about +Karl's movements. + +Bruges was probably a hot-bed of U-boat gossip, and, not unlike the +conditions at certain other Naval ports during the war, the ladies were +often too well informed. At any rate it appears that Zoe rushed to see +Karl directly he arrived at Bruges, and found him a mental and physical +wreck, suffering from acute insomnia. + +With the impetuous vigour which evidently guided most of her actions, +she took complete charge of Karl, and, as he was due for four days' +leave, she whisked him off to the forest. + +Karl may have protested, but was probably in no state to wish to do so. +At her shooting-box in the forest Zoe achieved her desire, and the +stubborn struggle between the lovers ended in victory for the woman. +There is an entry in Karl's diary which may refer to this period; he +simply says, "Slept at last! Oh, what a joy!" + +If this entry was written in the forest, it seemed as if Karl had been +unable to sleep until Zoe carried him off to the forest peace of her +shooting-box and surrounded him with the atmosphere of her tender +sympathy. + +There is no evidence of the light in which Karl viewed his defeat, +when, having regained his strength, he was able to take stock of the +changed situation. It is reasonable to suppose that his silence upon +this matter in the pages of his diary is evidence that he was ashamed +of what he must have considered a great act of weakness on his part. + +At all events he realized that he had crossed the Rubicon and that he +had better acquiesce in the_ fait accompli. + +_He seems to have been in harbour for about six weeks, during which he +lived with Zoe, and the lovers enjoyed a brief spell of happiness +before Karl set out on his next trip. + +Karl seems to have found those six weeks very pleasant ones, though his +diary merely contains brief references, such as: "A. day in the country +with Z."; "Z. and I went to the Cavalry dance," and other trivial +entries--of his thoughts there is not a word. + +About the end of 1917 Karl's boat was repaired, and he left for the +Atlantic; and once more resumed full entries in his diary._ + +ETIENNE. + + + + +_Karl's Diary resumed_. + +Sailed at 9 p.m. last night, and we are now seventeen miles off Beachy +Head. The Straits of Dover were frightful; the glare of the acetylene +flares on the barrage showed for miles. Seen from a distance it gave me +the impression of the gates of hell, through which we had to pass. + +I dived, ten miles away, and went through with the tide at a depth of +forty metres. + +Two hours and three quarters of suspense, and at dawn we came up, +having passed safely through the great deathtrap. At the moment there +is nothing in sight, except a little smoke on the horizon. I am going +to dive again till dusk. + +2 _a.m._ + +We are thrashing down the Channel with a south-westerly wind right +ahead. My instructions are to work for two days between the Lizard and +Kinsale Head, and then proceed far out in the Atlantic, where the +convoys are supposed to meet the destroyers. + +That Fair Island Channel experience was enough for a lifetime. Death, +quick, short and sudden, this I am ready for. But torture, slow, long +and drawn-out, is not in the bargain which in this year of grace every +civilized man and half the savages of the world seem to have had to +make with the god Mars. + +As I sit in this steel, cigar-shaped mass of machinery, the question +rings incessantly in my ears: "To what object is all this war directed, +when analysed from the point of view of the individual?" + +It does not satisfy any longing of mine. I have not got a lust for +battle: no one who fights has a lust for battle. Editors of newspapers +and people on General Staffs, possibly also Cabinet Ministers, have +lusts for battles, as long as they arrange the battle and talk about +it afterwards--curse them! + +The only thing I want is to be with Zoe. I want to live and spend long +years with her, enjoying life--this life of which I have spent half +already, and now perhaps it will be taken from me by some other man: +some Englishman who doesn't really want to take my life, reckoned as an +individual. + +Around me in the darkness are the patrol boats, manned by the +Englishmen who are seeking my life. Seeking it, not to gratify their +private emotions, but because we are all in the whirlpool of War and +cannot escape. + +Like an avalanche, it seems to gather strength and speed as it rolls +on, this War of Nations. The world must be mad! I cannot see how it can +ever stop. England will never be defeated at sea. We shall conquer on +land--then what? + +An inconclusive peace. + +Even if we smash this island Empire and gain the dominion of the world, +how will it advantage me? I can see no way in which I can gain. + +It would be said, if any one should read this: _Gott_! what a selfish +point of view--he thinks only of his personal gain, not of his country. + +But, confound it all, I reply, answer me this: + +Do I exist for my country, or does my country exist for me? + +For example, does man live for the sake of the Church, or was the +Church created for man? + +Does not my country exist for my benefit? + +Surely it is so. + +Then again, I am risking my all, my life; I live in danger, +apprehension and great discomfort; I do all these things, and yet if as +a reasonable man I ponder what advantage I am to gain from all these +sacrifices I am adjudged selfish. + +It is all madness; I cannot fathom the meaning of these things. + + * * * * * + +In position on the Bristol line of approach, the weather is bad. + + + + +_At twenty metres._ + + +Once again Death has stretched forth his bony fingers to catch me by +the throat, and only by a chance have I wriggled free. + +Yesterday afternoon at 5 p.m. we sighted a small steamer flying Spanish +colours and steering for Cardiff. The weather was choppy, but not too +bad, and I decided to exercise the gun's crew, though I did not think +there would be much doing, as the Spaniards soon give in. + +I opened fire at six thousand metres, and pitched a shell ahead of her +and ran up the signal to heave-to. The wretched little craft paid no +attention, and continued on her lumbering course. I suspected the +presence of an Englishman on her bridge, and determined to hit. + +This we did with our sixth shot, and she stopped dead and wallowed in +the trough, with clouds of steam pouring out of her engine-room; we had +evidently got the engine-room. + +As we closed her, it was evident that a tremendous panic was taking +place on board. The port sea boat was being launched, but one fall +broke and the occupants fell into the water. My Navigator begged me to +give her another, which I did, and hit her right aft. Two boatloads of +gesticulating individuals now appeared from the shelter of her lee side +and began pulling wildly away from the ship. + +The Navigator, whose eyes were dancing with excitement, was very keen +to play with them by spraying the water with machine-gun bullets; but +it seemed to me to be waste of ammunition, and I would not permit it. + +Meanwhile we had approached to within about four hundred metres of her +port bow. I was debating whether to accelerate her sinking, when I +noticed that a fire had broken out aft, and I became possessed with a +childish curiosity to see the fire being put out as she sank. It was a +kind of contest between the elements. + +As I watched her, I was startled to hear three or four reports from the +region of the fire. + +"Ammunition!" shouted the pilot, with wide-opened eyes. + +In an instant I pressed the diving alarm as I realized our deadly +peril. Fool that I had been, she was a decoy-ship. They must have +realized on board that I had seen through their disguise, for as we +began to move forward, under the motors, a trap-door near her bows fell +down, the white ensign was broken at the fore, and a 4-inch gun opened +fire from the embrasure that was revealed on her side. + +We were fortunate in that our conning tower was already right ahead of +the enemy, and as I dropped down into the conning tower, I saw that as +she could not turn we were safe. + +A few shells plunged harmlessly into the water near our stern, and then +we were under. + +We came up to a periscope depth, and I surveyed her from a position off +her stern. She was sinking fast, but I felt so furious at being nearly +trapped that I could not resist giving her a torpedo; detonation was +complete, and a mass of wreckage shot into the air as the hull of the +ship disappeared. As to the two boats, I left them to make the best +course to land that they could. + +As they were fifty miles off the shore when I left them and it blew +force six a few hours afterwards, I rather think they have joined the +list of "Missing." We are now steering due west to our second position. + + * * * * * + +Received orders last night to return to base forthwith on the north +about route. [1] + +[Footnote 1: This means into the North Sea round Scotland.--] + +I have shaped course to pass fifty miles north of Muckle Flugga; no +more Fair Island Channel for me. + + * * * * * + +Statlandlet in sight, with the Norwegian coast looking very lovely +under the snow--we never saw a ship from north of the Shetlands to this +place, when we saw a light cruiser of the town class steaming +south-west at high speed. + +She had probably been on patrol off this place, where the Inner and +Outer Leads join up and ships have to leave the three-mile limit. + +She was well away from me, and an attack would have been useless. I did +not shed any tears; I have lost much of the fire-eating ideas which +filled my mind when I first joined this service. + + * * * * * + +We are due off the mole at 8 p.m. tonight, and my heart leaps with joy +at the thought of seeing my Zoe; already I can almost imagine her +lovely arms round my neck, her face raised to mine, and all the other +wonderful things that make her so glorious in my eyes. + + + + +_NOTE BY ETIENNE_ + + +Before quoting the next entry in Karl's journal it is necessary to +explain the situation which confronted him when he arrived in +Zeebrugge. In his absence, his beloved Zoe had been arrested as an +Allied Agent, and she was tried for espionage within a day or two of +his arrival. There is no record of how he heard the news, and the blow +he sustained was probably so terrible that whilst there was yet hope he +felt no desire to write; but, as will be seen, there came a time when +he turned to his journal as the last friend that remained to him. It is +a curious fact that, with the exception of an entry at the beginning of +this journal, Karl makes little mention of his mother and home at +Frankfurt. Though he does not say so, it seems possible that his mother +had heard of his entanglement with Zoe, and a barrier had risen between +them; this suggestion gains strength from the fact that in his blackest +moments of despair he never seems to consider the question of turning +to Frankfurt for sympathy. Interest is naturally aroused as to the +details of Zoe's trial. The available material consists solely of the +long letter she wrote to him from Bruges jail. It may be that one day +the German archives of the period of occupation will reveal further +details. Information on the subject is possibly at the disposal of the +British Intelligence Service, but this would be kept secret. All we +know on the matter is derived from the letter, which has been preserved +inside the second volume of Karl's diary. + +There seems no doubt that she was caught red-handed, but to say more +would be to anticipate her own words. + +It was a matter of some difficulty to know where best to introduce +Zoe's letter, but with a view to securing as much continuity of thought +in the story as possible it has been decided to quote it at this +juncture, although he did not receive it until after he had made the +entry in the journal which will be quoted directly after the letter. + +I would like to appeal to any reader who may happen to be engaged in +administrative or reconstructive work in Belgium, to communicate with +me, care of Messrs. Hutchinson, should he handle any papers dealing +with Zoe's trial. + +_ETIENNE_. + + + + +ZOE'S LETTER + + +MY BEST BELOVED, + +When you get this letter cease to sorrow for what will have happened, +for I shall be at rest, and in peace at last, freed from a world in +which I have known bitter sorrow and, until you came into my life, but +little joy. + +For these past months I am grateful to God, if such a being exists and +regulates the conduct of a world gone mad. + +For in a few hours I am to die. + +It is harder for you than for me; one moment of agony I suffered, a +moment that seemed to last a century, when, amidst the sea of faces +that swam in a confused mass before me at the trial, I saw your eyes +and the torture that you were suffering. When I saw your eyes I knew +that the President had said I must die. I am glad that I was told this +by you, the only one amongst all these men who loved me. I suppose the +President spoke; I never heard him, but I saw your eyes and I knew. + +My darling, it was cruel of you to come, cruel to me and cruel to +yourself, but I loved you for being there; it showed me that up till +the last you would stand by me, and until you read this you cannot know +all the facts. That to you, as to the others, I must have seemed a +woman spy and that nevertheless you stood by me, is to me a +recollection of unsurpassable sweetness, compared with which all other +thoughts of you fade into insignificance. + +Know now, oh, well beloved, that I was not unworthy of your love. + +I have a story to tell you, and I have such a little time left that I +must write quickly. The priest who has been with me comes again an hour +before the dawn, and he has promised to deliver these my last words of +love into your hands. + +My real name is Zoe Xenia Olga Sbeiliez, and I was born twenty-nine +years ago at my father's country house at Inkovano, near Koniesfol. I +am Polish; at least, my father was, and my mother comes from the Don +country. There was a day when my father's ancestors were Princes in +Poland. Poor Poland was torn by the vultures of Europe, just as your +countrymen, my Karl, are tearing poor Belgium and France, and so my +family lost estates year by year, and my grandfather is buried +somewhere in the dreary steppes of Siberia because he dared to be a +Polish patriot. + +My father bowed before the storm, and under my mother's influence he +never became mixed up with politics. Thus he lived on his estates at +Inkovano, and nursed them for my younger brother, Alexandrovitch, the +child of his old age. Alex would be nineteen now, had he lived. The +estates were large as these things go in Western Europe, but they were +but a garden as compared with the lands held by my great-grandfather, +Boris Sbeiliez. + +My father had a dream, and he dreamed this dream from the day Alex was +born to the day they both died in each other's arms. + +My father dreamt that one day the Tsars would soften their heart to +Poland, and raise her up from the dust to a place amongst the nations, +and my father dreamt that Alexandrovitch Sbeiliez would become a leader +of Poland, as his ancestors had been before him. And so my father +nursed his estates and pinched and saved, in preparation for the day +when his beautiful dream should come true. + +[Illustration: "A trapdoor near her bows fell down, the White Ensign +was broken at the fore, and a 4-inch gun opened fire from the embrasure +that was revealed on her side."] + +[ILLUSTRATION: "I sighted two convoys, but there were destroyers +there...."] + +My poor idealistic father never realized, oh, my Karl, that when one +wants a thing one must fight--to the death. Alex was the apple of his +eye, but I was much loved by my mother; perhaps she dreamed a dream +about me--I know not, but she determined that I should have all that +was necessary. Paris, Berlin, Munich, Dresden, and a season in London, +then I came home at twenty-one, perfectly educated according to the +world, beautiful according to men, and dressed according to Paris. But +I was only to find out how little I knew. My mother and I used to take +a house in Warsaw for the season, and I met many notable men and women. +In these days I, also, thought I could do something for Poland, but +after two or three seasons I found that I, too, was only dreaming idle +dreams. Oh! my beloved, beware of dreaming idle dreams. + +Listen! I once met the Prime Minister of all Russia at a reception. I +captivated him, and thought, now! now! I shall do something. + +I sat next to him at dinner; I talked of Poland--and I knew my +subject--I talked brilliantly; he listened, he hung on my words, and +he, the Prime Minister of all Russia, the Tsar's right-hand man, asked +me to drive with him next day in his sledge. I, an almost unknown +Polish girl! + +When I accepted, I was in the seventh heaven of delight. + +Next day he called and we set forth; at a deserted spot in the woods +near Warsaw he tried to kiss me--I struck him in the face with the butt +of his own whip. + +That was why he had hung on my words, that was why he had taken me for +my drive; it was my Polish body that interested _him_--not Poland. + +The Prime Minister of Russia was confined to his room for two days, +"owing to an indisposition." How I laughed when I saw the bulletin in +the paper, signed by two doctors, but it taught me a lesson; I never +dreamt idle dreams again. + +No, I am wrong, my beloved. I dreamt an idle dream, a lovely dream +about you and I. An after-the-war dream, if this war should ever end, +but like other dreams it has ended--in dreams. + +But I must hurry, for my little watch tells me that one hour of my five +has gone, and I have much to say. + +I could have married, and married brilliantly, but Poland held me back. +I did not know what I could do for my country, it all seemed so +hopeless, and yet I felt that perhaps one day ... and I felt I ought to +be single when that day came. + +It was not easy, my Karl, sometimes it was hard; one man there was, +Sergius was his Christian name; he loved me madly, and sometimes I +thought--but no matter, he is dead now, killed at Tannenberg, and +I--well, I will tell you more of my story. + +When the war broke out and clouded over that last beautiful summer in +1914 (I wonder will there ever be another like it in your lifetime, my +Karl? No, I don't think it can ever be quite the same after all this!), +we were all in the country. Alex was back from his school in Petrograd, +and my father kept him at home for the autumn term. + +How well I remember the excitement, the mobilization, the blessing of +the colours, the wave of patriotism which swept over the country; even +I, under the influence of the specious proclamations that were issued +broadcast by the Government, with their promises of reform, and redress +for Poland after the war was over, felt more Russian than Polish. Lies! +Lies! Lies! that was what the Government promises were, my Karl. + +Under the stress of war the rottenness of that great whited sepulchre, +Russia, feared the revival of the Polish spirit; it might have been +awkward, and so they lied with their tongues in their cheeks, and we +simple Poles believed them; the peasantry flocked to their depots, +little knowing whom they fought, but the proclamations which were read +to them told them they fought for Poland, and we women worked and +prayed for the success of Russian arms. + +Then the tide of war swept westward, and all day long and every day the +troops, and the guns and the motor-cars and the wagons rolled through +the village to the west. + +Guarded hints in the papers seemed to say that all was not well in +France, but France was so far away, and all the time the Russians were +going west through our village. Mighty Russia was putting forth her +strength, and the Austrian debacle was in full swing; these were great +days, my Karl, for a Russian! + +Then one day the long columns of men and all the traffic seemed to +hesitate in the sluggish westward flow, and then it stopped, and then +it began to go east. The weeks went on, and one day, very, very +faintly, there was a rumbling like a distant thunderstorm. It was the +guns! The front was coming back. + +Have you ever seen forest fires, my Karl? We had them every autumn in +our woods. If you have, then you know how all the small animals and the +birds, the rabbits and the foxes, and perhaps a wolf or two, and the +deer, and the thrushes and the linnets come out from the shelter of the +trees, fleeing blindly from the great peril, anxious only to save their +lives. So it was when the front came back. Herds of moujiks, the old +men, the women, the children, the poor little babies, struggled blindly +eastwards through the village. + +Pushing their miserable household gods on handcarts, or staggering +along with loads on their backs, and weary children dragging at their +arms, the human tide flowed eastwards, round our house, begged perhaps +a drink of water, and then wandered feverishly onwards. + +They knew not in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred where they were +going; their only destination was summed up in the words, "Away from +the Front"--away from the ominous rumbling which began to get louder, +away from that western horizon which was beginning to have a lurid glow +at nights, like a sunset prolonged to dawn. + +Then, as the Germans advanced more and more, the character of the tide +changed, the civilian element was outnumbered by the military. +Companies, battalions, brigades, sometimes in good order, sometimes in +no order, marched through the village. They would often halt for a +short time, and the officers would come up to the house, where my +mother and I gave them what we could. My father lived amongst his books +and accounts, and bemoaned the extravagance of the war. Then there were +the deserters, the stragglers, the walking wounded, the--but you know, +my Karl, what an army in retreat means. + +I must proceed with my story, for time moves relentlessly on. + +One day a desperately wounded officer, a young Lieutenant of the Guard, +a boy of twenty-five, was taken out of a motor ambulance to die. + +The ambulance had stopped opposite our gates, and lying on his +stretcher he had seen our garden, my garden. He knew he was to die, and +he had begged with tears in his eyes to the doctor that he might be +left in the garden. + +Who could refuse him? + +He died within two hours, amongst our flowers, with Alex and I at his +side. + +Before he died, he begged us, implored us, almost ordered us, to move +east before it was too late. + +We repeated his arguments to my father, but the latter was obdurate, +and he swore that a regiment of angels would not move him from his +ancestral home. So we made up our minds to stay. + +Things got worse and worse, and one day shells fell in the grounds and +we hid in the cellars. That night all our servants ran away, and my +father cursed them for cowards. Next day in the early morning we heard +machine guns fire outside the village, and then all was still. + +At six o'clock Alex, white-faced, came running into the house. He had +been down to the gates and he had seen the enemy. They were drunk, he +said, and going down the street firing the houses and shooting the +people as they came out. + +It seemed impossible and yet it was true. It was growing dark, when we +heard shouts and saw lights, and from the top of the house I saw a +crowd of singing and shouting soldiers, with pine torches, half +running, half walking up the drive. + +They massed in a body opposite the house. Paralysed with terror, I +looked down on the scene, and shuddered to see that every second man +seemed to have a bottle. One of them fired a shot at the house, and +next I remember a flood of light on the drive, and, in the circle of +light, my father standing with hand raised. What my father intended can +never be known, for, as he paused and faced the mob, a solitary shot +rang out, and he fell in a huddled heap. + +As he fell, a boyish voice from the door shouted "Murderers!" It was +Alex. With his little pistol I had given him for a birthday present in +his hand, he ran forward and, standing over my father's body, head +thrown back, he pointed his pistol at the mob and fired twice. A man +dropped, there was a flash of steel, the crowd surged forward, +and--and, oh! my Karl, they had murdered my beloved brother, my darling +Alex. + +The next moment they were in the house. I escaped from my window on to +the roof of the dairy, and from there down a water-pipe, across the +yard to an old hay-loft. For a long time they ran in and out of the +house, like ants, looting and pillaging; then there was a great shout, +and for some time not a soul came out of the house. I guessed they had +got into the cellars. At about midnight I saw that the house was on +fire. In a few minutes it was an inferno and the drunken soldiers came +pouring out, firing their rifles in all directions. + +I had found a piece of rope in the loft. One end I placed on a hook and +the other round my neck. I was close to the upper doors of the loft, +with a drop to the courtyard, and thus I stayed, for I feared that some +soldier, more sober than the rest, might explore the outhouses and find +me. I was watching this unearthly spectacle, and never, my best +beloved, did I conceive that man could become lower than the beasts, +but before my eyes it was so, when I noticed that the great gates at +the southern end of the courtyard were opening. As they opened I saw +that beyond them were drawn up a line of men. An officer gave an order, +and two machine guns were placed in position in the gate entrance; +round the guns lay their crews, and the seething mass of revellers saw +nothing. I felt that a fearful tragedy was impending, and as I held my +breath with anxiety the officer gave a short, sharp movement with his +hand and a hideous rattle rose above all noises. The pandemonium that +ensued was indescribable. Some ran helplessly into the burning house, +others ran round and round in circles, others tried to get into the +dairy; one man got upon its roof and fell back dead as soon as his head +appeared above the outer wall. The place was surrounded. It was +horrible. A few tried to rush for the gate, they melted away like snow +before the sun, as their bodies met the pitiless stream of bullets. I +suppose two hundred men were killed in as many seconds. The machine +guns ceased fire. Ambulance parties came into the yard, collected the +dead and living, and within half an hour there was not a soul save +myself in the place. Discipline had received its oblation of men's +lives. + +As an example, it was one of the most wonderful things I have ever +known in your wonderful army, my Karl, but it was terrible--terribly +cruel. + +I never knew what became of my mother, though I feel she is +dead--murdered, perhaps, like my father and my darling Alex, or perhaps +she hid somewhere in the house and remained petrified with terror till +the flames came. Next morning I left my hiding-place and walked about. +Not a German was to be seen, but in the wood was a huge newly-made +grave. It was all open warfare then, and this flying column, which was +miles in advance of the main body, had moved on. The house was a +smoking mass of ruins, but the farm buildings had been spared, and I +let out all the poor animals and turned them into the woods, so that +they might have their chance. + +All day I searched for my father and brother, but not a sign was to be +seen, and at dusk I stood alone, faint and broken, amongst the ruins of +my ancestors' home. As I looked at this scene of desolation and I +contrasted what had been my life twenty-four hours before and what it +was then, something seemed to snap in my brain, and for the first time +I cried. Oh! the blessed relief of those tears, my Karl, for I was a +poor weak, helpless girl, and alone with death and bitterness all round +me. Late that night I hid once more in my hay-loft and next morning I +left Inkovano for ever. Before I left, I made a vow. It is because of +this vow, my beloved, that I am to die. For I vowed by the body of our +Saviour and the murdered bodies of my family that, whilst life was in +me and the war was maintained, for so long would I work unceasingly for +the Allies against Germany. As the war ran its fiery course, I have +seen more and more that the Allies are the only ones who will do +anything for Poland, my beloved country, so have I been strengthened in +my vow. + +I struck south on my feet, as a poor girl--I, the daughter of a +princely family of Poland! No hardships were too great for me, provided +I could reach Allied territory. I travelled from village to village as +a singing girl, and once I was driven away with stones by villagers set +upon me by a fanatical priest. I came by Cracow, and across the +Carpathians, helped to pass the lines by a Hungarian Lieutenant--but I +tricked him of his reward; I was not ready for that sacrifice. Then +across the Hungarian plains to Buda-Pesth, where I remained three weeks, +singing in a third-rate cafe, to make some money for my next stage. But +I had to leave too soon--the old story!--this time it was the +proprietor's son. What beasts men are, my Karl! And yet to me you are +above all other men, a prince amongst your fellows, and never did I +love you so distractedly as that first night at the shooting-box, when +I read the scorn in your eyes as you rejected me. I have no shame in +telling you this. Am I not already in the grave? And then I must be +silent and can only await your coming. After many struggles, wearisome +to relate, I came to Hermanstadt, and there, whilst pushing my trade as +a dancer, came into touch with a Hungarian band of smugglers, working +across the mountain passes between Eastern Hungary and Roumania. I did +certain work for these men, and in return crossed with them one bitter +night in a thunderstorm into Roumania. At Bukharest I got a good +engagement, and when I had saved a thousand marks, I bought a passport +for five hundred, and came to Serbia, then staggering beneath the great +Austrian offensive. + +Once again I was in the horrors of a retreat, but I escaped, reaching +Valona, and crossed to Brindisi, by the aid of a French officer to whom +I told my story and who believed me. His name is Pierre Lemansour, and +he lives at Bordeaux. + +If fortune places him in your power, be kind to him, my Karl, for your +Zoe's sake. + +I came to Rome; and thence to Paris. I stayed here three weeks, singing +in a cabaret. Whilst here I tried to advance my plans in vain! What +could I, a poor girl, do for the Allies? The Embassy laughed at me, all +except one young attache who tried to make love to me. + +Then I thought of England--England, and her cold, hard islanders, +phlegmatic in movements, slow to hate, slow to move, but once +roused--ah! they never let go, these islanders! + +One of their poets has said: "The mills of God grind slowly, but they +grind exceeding small." + +That, my Karl, is like England. + +They are your most terrible enemies, and you know it. + +Do not be angry with me when you read this. + +For me it is Poland, for you Germany. + +Where I am going in a few hours there is no Poland, no Germany, no +England, no war. And perhaps, perhaps, no love. + +You and I, Karl, have loved, too well, perchance, but our love was +above even the love of countries. + +God made the love of men and women, then men and women created their +countries. + +I see the future before me, Karl, and I foresee that the struggle will +be at the end of all things, between England and Germany. One will be +in the dust. + +Thus, I crossed to England and was swallowed up in the great city of +London. England has always had a corner of her calculating heart for +the small nations, and in London there is a Polish organization. I +applied there, and one day I was taken to the Foreign Office, and found +myself alone with a great Englishman. His name was--No, I promised, and +it will not matter to you, for though he gave me my chance, I have no +love for him, and he will never be in your power. Even as I write these +words, he has probably taken a list from a locked safe and neatly ruled +a red line through the name Zoe Sbeiliez. I tell you they know +everything, these Englishmen. I told him my story, and then he asked me +whether I was prepared to do all things for the Allies. I told him I +was. He then said that I could go as agent for a back area in Belgium, +and my centre would be Bruges. I agreed, and asked him innocently +enough how I was to live in Bruges. He looked up from his desk and +said: + +"You will be given facilities to cross the Belgium-Holland frontier, as +a German singer." + +"And then?" I asked. + +"You will go to Bruges and make friends with an Army officer; he must +be high up on the staff." + +I guessed what he meant, but hoped against hope, and I said: "How?" + +I can still see his fish-like face, hair brushed back with scrupulous +care, as without a shadow of emotion he looked up, puffed his pipe, and +said in matter-of-fact tones: + +"You have a pretty face and an excellent figure. Need I say more?" + +I could have struck him in the face. I was speechless, my mind a whirl +of conflicting emotions. I was roused by the level tones again. + +"Is it too much--for Poland?" + +Oh! the cunning of the man; he knew my weakness. Mechanically, I +agreed. Certain details were settled, and he pressed a bell. Within +five minutes I was walking back to my lodgings. + +Thanks to a marvellous organization, which your police will never +discover, my Karl, within _three weeks_ I was singing on the Bruges +music-hall stage, and accepted without question as being what I was +not, a German artist from Dantzig. The men were soon round me, but I +had no use for youngsters with money. I wanted a man with information. +At last I found my man--the Colonel. He was on the Headquarters staff +of the XIth Army, the army of occupation in Belgium, when I first met +him. Subsequently he went back to regimental work; but by the time he +was killed (and to realize what a release that meant for me, you would +have had to have lived with him) I had established regular sources of +information concerning which I will say no more. Let your country's +agents find them if they can. This must I say for the Colonel: he was a +brute and a drunkard, but in his own gross way he loved me, and he +licked my boots at my desire, but I had to pay the price. You are a +man, and with all your loving sympathy you can but dimly realize what +this costs a woman. To me it was a dual sacrifice of honour and life, +but it was for Poland, and the memories of my parents and Alex steeled +me and strengthened my resolution, and so, and so, my Karl, I paid the +price. + +My special work was on the military side, and consisted in making +quarterly reports on the general dispositions of large bodies of +troops, the massing of corps for spring offensives, and big pushes and +hammer blows. + +Then you came into my life! When the Colonel used to go away it was my +habit to mix in the demi-mondaine society of Bruges, to try and live a +few hours in which I could forget--oh! don't think the worst! _That_ +sort of thing had no attraction for me. I didn't seek oblivion in that +direction! I had never even kissed anyone in Bruges until I kissed you +that first night we met at dinner--I was attracted to you from the very +first; the Colonel was due back in a few days, and I suddenly felt mad, +and kissed you. I suppose you put me down as one of the usual kind, out +to sell myself at a price varying between a good dinner and the rent of +a flat! You will now know that I had already mortgaged my body to +Poland. + +Then a few days later you will remember we went down for that wonderful +day in the forest, and for the first time, Karl, I began to see that I +was really caring for you, and a faint realization of the dangers and +impossibilities towards which we were drifting crossed my mind. + +Do you remember how silent I was on the drive back? In a fashion, my +Karl, I could foresee dimly a little of what was going to happen. I had +a presentiment that the end would be disaster, but I thrust the idea +away from me. Then came the day, just before one of your trips--oh! the +agony, my darling, of those days, each an age in length, when you were +at sea--when you told me at the flat that you loved me. + +How I longed to throw my arms round your neck and abandon myself to +your embraces, but I was still strong enough in those days to hold back +for both our sakes. + +Each time we were together I loved you more and more, and each time +when you had gone I seemed to see with clearer vision the fatal and +inevitable ending. + +But I refused to give up the first real happiness that had been mine in +my short and stormy life, and so I clung desperately to my idle dream. + +I prayed, I prayed for hours, Karl, that the war might end, for I felt +that in this lay our only hope--but what are one woman's prayers, a +sinful woman's prayers, to the Creator of all things, and the war +ground on in its endless agony just as it does to-night--Karl! Karl! +will this torture ever end? + +But I must hurry, there is still much to tell you, and Time goes on +relentlessly just like the war; it is only life that ends. Then came +the days I took you to the shooting-box for the first time, and that +night I broke down and, unashamed, offered you myself. Think not too +badly of your Zoe, my Karl; when a woman loves as I do, what is +convention? A nothing, a straw on the waters of life. I wanted you for +my own, passionately and desperately, for I feared that any moment the +end might come, and to die without having felt your arms around me +would have added a thousand tortures to death. Though I could have +welcomed death with joy when I saw the look of sorrowful contempt which +you cast upon me that night. Heavens above! but you were strong, my +Karl. I am not ugly, and yet you resisted, and I hated and loved you at +the same time--oh! I know that sounds impossible, but it isn't for a +woman. I slept little that night and, feeling that I could not look you +in the face in the morning, I left for Bruges before you got up. + +I felt that I could trust you not to try and find out the secret of the +shooting-box. + +What a relief it is to be able to tell you everything frankly, and how +I hated the perpetual game of deception which I had to play. + +I used to rack my brains for answers to your perpetual question, "Why +won't you marry me?" It was a desperate risk taking you down to the +forest, but you loved me so much that you never questioned the reasons +I gave you for my secrecy. I can tell you now, Karl, that in the early +days when I used to disappear from Bruges, it was to the shooting-box +that I went. + +But I will write more of that later. + +Did you suffer the same agony as I did before you left for Kiel, and +your pride would not allow you to come to me? You understand now, my +darling, why I could never marry you, and when the Colonel was killed +it became harder than ever. Once during that terrible interview before +you went up the Russian coast, I nearly gave way and promised to marry +you. But how could I? I had sworn my vow, and even to-night, though I +stand in the shadow of death, I do not regret my vow. + +It is inconceivable that I could have married you and carried on my +work--a spy on my husband's country--and if I ever thought of trying to +do this impossible thing, a vision which has partially come true always +restrained me. + +I saw a submarine officer disgraced and perhaps sentenced to death, +because his wife had been convicted as a spy! + +No! it was impossible. + +But if I could not marry you, I still wanted your love. + +Then you went up the Russian coast, and I heard of your return in a +submarine terribly wrecked. I guessed what you must have gone through, +and determined to see you, but when I entered your room and saw you +lying open-eyed on your bed, with no one but a clumsy soldier to nurse +you, I could have wept. You know the rest; you can perhaps hardly +remember how I led you to my car and took you down to the forest. Oh, +Karl, are you angry with me for what happened? Do you sometimes think +that I took an unfair advantage of your weakness? Please! Please +forgive me, you were so helpless, and I loved you so. + +Then came those unforgettable weeks whilst your boat was being +repaired, weeks which opened to me the door of the paradise I was never +to enter. Oh! Karl, I pray that all those memories may remain sweet and +unclouded all your life. Think of those days when you think of your +Zoe. Alas! they came to an end too soon, and you left for the Atlantic. +When you came back all was over; I had been caught at last. + +The evidence at the trial was clear enough. I have no complaints. I was +fairly caught. You remember the big open space in front of the +shooting-box? I do not mind saying now that five times have I been +taken up from there in an English aeroplane, and landed there again +after two days. Each time I took over a full report on military +affairs. Not a word of naval news, my Karl; you will remember I never +tried to find out U-boat information. I even warned you to be cautious. +Well, they caught me as I landed; the English boy who had flown me back +tried hard to save me, but it only cost him his own life. + +My first thought was of you, and there is not a jot of evidence against +you, save only your friendship for me. Remember this fact, if they +persecute you. Admit nothing, believe nothing they tell you, deny +everything; they have no evidence; but they are certain to try and trap +you. + +It was noble of you, Karl, to engage Monsieur Labordin in my defence, +but it was useless and may do you harm. + +I also know of your efforts with the Governor. I hoped nothing from +him, but what you did has made me ready to die; I tremble lest you are +compromised. + +If only I could feel absolutely certain that I have not dragged you +down in my ruin I should face the rifles with a smile. + +For my sake be careful, Karl. + +When it is all over, cause a few little flowers to cover my +resting-place, if this is permitted for a spy. Order them, do not place +them yourself; you _must not_ be compromised. + +I have told my story, and the end is very near. What else is there to +say? + +Mere words are empty husks when I try to express my thoughts of you. + +Do not sorrow for your Zoe, to whom you have given such happiness. + +I am not afraid to die and cross into the unknown, which, however +terrible it is, cannot be much worse than this awful war. + +Karl! Karl! how I long to kiss you and feel your strong arms crushing +the breath from this body of mine which has caused so much sorrow. + +Oh, Mother Mary, support me in this hour of trial. + +I cannot leave you! + +May the Saints guard you and keep you through all the perils of war, +and grant that we meet again in the perfect peace of eternity. + +For ever, Your devoted and adoring ZOE. + + + + +_Karl's Diary resumed._ + + +She is dead! + +They have killed her, my Zoe, my adorable darling, and I am still +alive--under close arrest. Perhaps they will shoot me too, in their +insatiable thirst for blood. Oh! if they would! Perhaps, my Zoe, if I +could only die and leave this useless world behind, I might find you in +the mysterious regions where your spirit now dwells. + +Oh! is it well with you, Zoe? Give me a sign--a little sign--that all +is well. I have knelt in prayer and asked for a sign, but nothing +comes--all is a blank, forbidding and mysterious. Is God angry with us, +my Zoe, that we sinned before Him? Surely, surely He understands. He +must have mercy on me if He is going to make me go on living. If this +is my punishment, I can bear it; I will live without you happily if +only I may know that all is well with you. + + * * * * * + +Your letter, Zoe! Can you read these words as I write; can you sense my +thoughts? Speak! Ah! I thought I heard your voice, and it was only the +laughter of a woman in the street. Your letter has filled me with joy +and sorrow. I read and re-read the wonderful words in which you say you +loved me from the beginning, but when you plead that I shall not turn +in loathing from your memory--with these words you smash me to the +ground. + +Most glorious woman, I never loved you so well and so passionately as +the day you stood at the trial, ringed round with the wolves, the +clever lawyers, the stolid witnesses, the ponderous books, the cynical +air of religious solemnity with which the machinery of the law thinly +cloaks its lust for blood--for a life. + +Even when my ears heard the sentence, I could not believe it would be +carried out. The firing party, the chair, the bandage. Oh, God! spare +me these awful thoughts. To think of your breasts lacerated by +the----Oh! this is unendurable! Stop, madman that I am! + + * * * * * + +I am calmer now; I have read your letter again and rescued the journal +from the grate into which I flung it. + +The fire was out; I am not sorry; my journal is all I have left, and in +its pages are enshrined small, feeble word-pictures of paradise on +earth. To read them is to catch an echo of the music we both loved so +well. Music! you were all music to me, my Zoe. Your voice, your +movements, your caresses all seemed to me to speak of music. + +I ask myself, I shall always ask myself until the last hour, whether +all that could be done to save you was done. I tried to telegraph to +the Kaiser for you, Zoe, but the wire never got further than Bruges +post office; they stopped it, and put me under arrest. It was only open +arrest, my darling, and on that last awful night I forced them to let +me see the Governor. I, Karl Von Schenk, knelt at his feet and begged +for your life. He simply said, "You are mad." I left the Palace under +close arrest. + +Was ever woman's nobleness of character so exemplified as in your life? +Be comforted, Zoe, that in all my black sorrow I cling desperately to +my pride in your strength. I long to shout abroad what you did and why +you would never marry me, to tell all the gaping world that when you +died a martyr to duty was killed. I am so unworthy of what you did for +me, my darling, and it tortures me with mental rendings to think that +whilst I prided myself in my strength of mind, I was dragging you +through the fires of hell. When I think of those six weeks we had +together, my brain says, "And they might have been months had you not +spurned her in the forest." + +Oh, Zoe! if the priests say truth and all things are now revealed to +you, forgive me for this act of mine. Come to me in spirit and give me +mental peace. + +[Illustration: "...when there was a blinding flash and the air +seemed filled with moaning fragments."] + +[Illustration: "When I put up my periscope at 9 a.m. the horizon seemed +to be ringed with patrols."] + +As I write like this, as if it was a letter that you might read, I am +comforted a little; I rely utterly on the hope, which I struggle to +change into belief, that you can read this and know my thoughts. + +For when I think that had things been otherwise you might have been +leaning over my chair at this moment, and running your cool fingers +through my stiff hair; when I think of this, my darling, the full +realization comes to me of the gulf which must divide us for some +uncertain period, and the lines of this page run mistily before my +eyes. + +Zoe, my Zoe, strange things have happened in this war; wives declare +they have seen their husbands, mothers have felt the presence of their +sons; if the powers permit, come to me once again, I implore you, and +give me strength to live my life alone. + + * * * * * + + +Examined before the Court of Inquiry to-day. Fools! can't they realize +that I don't care if they do shoot me? + +In the Mess, people avoid me. What do I care? Not one of them is worthy +to stand on the same soil that holds her beloved body. They have buried +her in the Castle grounds. In accordance with her wishes, I have +arranged for flowers. Perhaps one day when all this is over I may be +able to live here and tend the place where she sleeps, free at last +from all her cares. + + * * * * * + +At the Court of Inquiry they tried to cross-examine me on our life +together. Dolts! what do they aim at proving? That I loved you? I +hardly listened. When they finished the evidence, the President asked +me if I had anything to say! Anything to say! I felt like telling them +they were cogs in the most monstrous machine for manufacturing sorrow +and destruction that mankind had ever devised. I could have shaken my +fist in their solemn faces and shouted "Beasts! you murdered her! You +destroyed that most wonderful woman who lowered herself to love me." + +Actually there was a long silence, and then the Vice-President, Captain +Fruhlingsohn, said, "Speak; we wish you well." + +It was the first touch of sympathy, the only sign of humanity I had +received in all these awful days, and it touched my stubborn heart and +the longed-for tears flowed at last. + +I murmured: "Gentlemen, I am no traitor; but I loved her as my own +soul." + +"Dissolve the Court. Remove the prisoner." Like the clash of iron +gates, officialdom came into its own again. + + * * * * * + +So I am not to be shot! Not even imprisoned! "Don't fall in love with +enemy agents again!"--that summarized their verdict. + +Ha! Ha! Ha! It is all horribly funny. The real reason is that they need +me. I am a trained and skilful slaughterer on the seas; I am an +essential part of the great machine. And they haven't got any spares! I +was in the Mess yesterday when the English papers we get from Amsterdam +arrived. Oh! a pretty surprise awaited the first man who opened _The +Times_. These English had published the names of 150 U-boat commanders +they had caught. There they all were. Christian names and all complete. +The only thing missing was a blank space in which to fill in our names +when the time comes. + +Dinner was a silent meal last night, and next morning some rat of a +Belgian had posted the list on the gatepost of the Mess. The machine +has offered five hundred marks for his apprehension--how foolish; as if +by shooting him they would take any names off the long list. + + * * * * * + +I am to sail at dawn tomorrow. I shall not be sorry to get away for a +space from this place with its mingled memories of delight and death. + + * * * * * + +Back again, and I haven't written a word for three weeks. + +My billet last trip was off Finisterre. I sighted two convoys, but +there were destroyers there; they are so black and swift I don't go +near them. + +I don't want to die in a U-boat. It's not worth while. It is easy to +avoid these convoys. I dive and make a great fuss of attacking, then I +steer divergently. Nobody knows where the enemy is except me; I am the +only one who looks through the periscope--I take good care of that. And +then how I curse and swear when I announce that the convoy has altered +course, and there is no chance of getting in to attack. None of them +are so disappointed as I am! + +The mines get on my nerves, there is no way of dodging them, and Lord! +how they sprout on the Flanders coast. + +I am to go out in six days. It is very little rest. I believe they want +to kill me. But I won't die! Not I. + +I went to her grave yesterday for the first time. I had thought I +should weep, but I did not; in fact it left me quite unmoved. I feel +she's not really dead; she comes to me sometimes, always at night when +I am alone and when we are at sea. There's nothing very tangible, but I +catch an echo of her voice in the surge of the sea along the casing, or +the sound of the breeze as it plays along the aerial. And so I will not +die until she calls me, for up to the present her messages have told me +to live and endure. + + * * * * * + +A very awkward incident took place last night. We were off the Naze and +saw a steamer some distance away. + +We dived to attack. When we were about a mile away I had a look at her, +and something about her put me off. I half thought she was a decoy +ship, and I privately determined I would not attack. I steered a course +which brought me well on her quarter, and as soon as I saw that it was +impossible to get into position to fire I increased speed on the +engines and shook the whole boat in efforts which were ostensibly +directed to getting her into position. At length I eased speed and +bitterly exclaimed that my luck was out. + +The First Lieutenant suggested that we should give her gunfire, but I +pointed out that I had good reason to suspect her of being a wolf in +sheep's clothing, and as he had not seen her he could hardly question +my judgment. I was going forward, when I accidentally overheard the +Navigator and the Engineer talking in the wardroom. I listened. + +The Engineer said: "The Captain doesn't seem to have the luck he used +to command." + +"Or else he has lost skill!" replied Ebert. "We never fired a torpedo +at all last trip, and it looks as if we are following that precedent +this time." + +I had heard enough, and, without their realizing my presence, I +returned to the control room. I considered the situation, and came to +the conclusion that they suspected nothing, but it was evident that +their minds were running on lines of thought which might be dangerous. +I looked at my watch and saw that there was still two hours of daylight +left, and then decided to play a trick on them all. I relieved the +First Lieutenant at the periscope, and when a decent interval of about +half an hour had elapsed I saw a ship. This vessel of my imagination, a +veritable Flying Dutchman in fact, I proceeded to attack, and, after +about twenty minutes of frequent alterations of speed and course, I +electrified the boat by bringing the bow tubes to the ready. + +The usual delay was most artistically arranged, and then I fired. With +secret amusement I watched the two expensive weapons of war rushing +along, but destined to sink ingloriously in the ocean, instead of +burying themselves in the vitals of a ship. An oath from myself and an +order to take the boat to twenty metres. + +With gloomy countenance I curtly remarked: "The port torpedo broke +surface and then dived underneath her, the starboard one missed +astern." + +So far all had gone well, but ten minutes later I nearly made a fatal +error. We had been diving for several hours, the atmosphere was bad, +and as it was dusk I decided to come up, ventilate, and put a charge on +the batteries. I gave the necessary orders, and was on my way up the +conning tower to open the outer hatch. The coxswain had just announced +that the boat was on the surface, when a terrible thought paralysed me, +and I clung helplessly to the ladder trying to think out the situation. + +It had just occurred to me that as soon as the officers and crew came +on deck they would naturally look for the steamer we had recently fired +at; this ship in the time interval which had elapsed would still be in +sight. + +As I came down, the First Lieutenant was at the periscope, looking +round the horizon. Quickly I thrust the youth from the eyepiece, and, +as calmly as I could, said: "I thought I heard propellers." + +Half an hour later we surfaced for the night. I have been wondering +ever since whether they suspect, for the three of them were talking in +the wardroom after dinner and stopped suddenly when I came in. + +I must be careful in future. + + * * * * * + +I was sent for this morning by the Commodore's office, and handed my +appointment as Senior Lieutenant at the barracks Wilhelmshafen. + +No explanation, though I suspected something of the sort was coming, as +three days after we got in from my last trip I was examined by the +medical board attached to the flotilla. + +So I am to leave the U-boat service, and leave it under a cloud! It is +a sad come-down from Captain of a U-boat to Lieutenant in barracks, a +job reserved for the medically unfit for sea service. + +Am I sorry? No, I think I am glad. Life here at Bruges is one long +painful episode. No one speaks to me in the Mess. I am left severely +alone with my memories. The night before last I found a revolver in my +room, and attached to it was a piece of paper bearing the words: "From +a friend." + +Perhaps at Wilhelmshafen it will be different, and yet, when I went +down to the boat at noon and collected my personal affairs and stepped +over her side for the last time, I could not check a feeling of great +sadness. We had endured much together, my boat and I, and the parting +was hard. + + + + + _At Barracks_. + + +As I suspected when I was appointed here, my job is deadly to a degree, +and my main duty is to sign leave passes. + +Our great effort in France has failed, and now the Allies react +furiously. The great war machine is strained to its utmost capacity; +can it endure the load? + +Our proper move is to paralyse the Allied offensive by striking with +all our naval weight at his cross-channel communications. The U-boat +war is too slow, and time is not on our side, whilst a hammer blow down +the Channel might do great things. But we have no naval imagination, +and who am I, that I should advance an opinion? + +A discredited Lieutenant in barracks--that's all. + +Worse and worse--there are rumours of troubles in the Fleet taking +place under certain conditions. + +It is the beginning of the end! + +Last night the High Seas Fleet were ordered to weigh at 8 a.m. this +morning. + +A mutiny broke out in the _Koenig_ and quickly spread. + +By 9 a.m. half a dozen ships were flying the red flag, and to-day +Wilhelmshafen is being administered by the Council of Soldiers and +Sailors. + +There has been little disorder; the men have been unanimous in +declaring that they would not go to sea for a last useless massacre, a +last oblation on the bloodstained altars of war. + +Can they be blamed? Of what use would such sacrifice be? + +Yet to an officer it is all very sad and disheartening. + +I have seen enough to sicken me of the whole German system of making +war, and yet if the call came I know I would gladly go forth and die +when _tout est perdu fors l'honneur_. + +Such instincts are bred deep into the men of families such as mine. + +We approach the culmination of events. To-day Germany has called for an +armistice. It has been inevitable since our Allies began falling away +from us like rotten print. + +The terms will doubtless be hard. + + * * * * * + +Heavens above! but the terms are crushing! + +All the U-boats to be surrendered, the High Seas Fleet interned; why +not say "surrendered" straight out, it will come to that, unless we +blow them up in German ports. + +The end of Kaiserdom has come; we are virtually a republic; it is all +like a dream. + + * * * * * + +We have signed, and the last shot of the world-war has been fired. + +Here everything is confusion; the saner elements are trying to keep +order, the roughs are going round the dockyard and ships, looting +freely. + +"Better we should steal them than the English," and "There is no +Government, so all is free," are two of their cries. + +There has been a little shooting in the streets, and it is not safe for +officers to move about in uniform, though, on the whole, I have +experienced little difficulty. + +I was summoned to-day before the Local Council, which is run by a man +who was a Petty Officer of signals in the _Koenig_. He recognized me and +looked away. + +I was instructed to take U.122 over to Harwich for surrender to the +English. + +I made no difficulty; some one has got to do it, and I verily believe I +am indifferent to all emotions. + +We sail in convoy on the day after tomorrow; that is to say, if the +crew condescend to fuel the boat in time. Three looters were executed +to-day in the dockyard and this has had a steadying effect on the worst +elements. + + * * * * * + +I went on board 122 to-day, and on showing my authority which was +signed by the Council (which has now become the Council of Soldiers, +Sailors and Workmen), the crew of the boat held a meeting at which I +was not invited to be present. + +At its conclusion the coxswain came up to me and informed me that a +resolution had been carried by seventeen votes to ten, to the effect +that I was to be obeyed as Captain of the boat. + +I begged him to convey to the crew my gratification, and expressed the +hope that I should give satisfaction. + +I am afraid the sarcasm was quite lost on them. + + * * * * * + +We are within sixty miles of Harwich and I expect to sight the English +cruisers any moment. + +I wrote some days ago that I was incapable of any emotion. + +I was wrong, as I have been so often during the last two years. + +In fact, I have come to the conclusion that I am no psychologist--I +don't believe we Germans are any good at psychology, and that's the +root reason why we've failed. + +I do feel emotion--it's terrible; the shame--the humiliation is +unbearable. + +I wonder how the English will behave? What a day of triumph for them. + +The signalman has just come down and reported British cruisers right +ahead; it will soon be over. I must go up on deck and exercise my +functions as elected Captain of U.122, and representative of Germany in +defeat. One last effort is demanded, and then---- + + + + +_NOTE_ + + +_This is the last sentence in the diary. It is probable that he suddenly +had to hurry on deck and in the subsequent confusion forgot to rescue +his diary from the locker in which he had thrust it_. + +ETIENNE. + + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, THE DIARY OF A U-BOAT COMMANDER *** + +This file should be named 7dubc10.txt or 7dubc10.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 7dubc11.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, 7dubc10a.txt + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: The Diary of a U-boat Commander + +Author: Anon + +Release Date: April, 2005 [EBook #7947] +[This file was first posted on June 4, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO Latin-1 + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, THE DIARY OF A U-BOAT COMMANDER *** + + + + +Eric Eldred, Marvin A. Hodges, Charles Franks, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + +THE DIARY OF A U-BOAT COMMANDER + +WITH AN INTRODUCTION AND EXPLANATORY NOTES BY ETIENNE + +AND + +_18 Illustrations on Art Paper by Frank H. Mason._ + + + + + + + +[Illustration: "We rammed a destroyer, passing through her like a knife +through cheese."] + + * * * * * + +BOOKS BY ETIENNE + +STRANGE TALES FROM THE FLEET + +A NAVAL LIEUTENANT + +1914--1918. + +"In collaboration with Navallus. + +Five Songs from the Grand Fleet." + +[Illustration: "...they are so black and swift I don't go near them."] + + * * * * * + +LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS + +"We rammed a destroyer, passing through her like a knife through +cheese" + +"...they are so black and swift I don't go near them" + +"Steering north-westerly ... to lay a small minefield off Newcastle" + +"He had suddenly seen the bow waves of a destroyer approaching at full +speed to ram" + +"We were put down by a trawler at dawn" + +"The torpedo had jumped clean out of the water a hundred yards short of +the steamer and had then dived under her" + +"A moment later there was a severe jar; we had struck the bottom" + +"As the dim lights on the mole disappeared, the ceaseless fountain of +star-shells, mingling with the flashing of guns, rose inland on our +port beam" + +"We hit her aft for the second time...." + +"The track met our ram" + +"In the flash I caught a glimpse of his conning tower" + +"The 1,000 kilogrammes of metal crashed down" + +"Good-bye! Steer west for America!" + +"It is a snug anchorage, and here I intend to remain" + +"A trapdoor near her bows fell down, the White Ensign was broken at the +fore, and a 4-inch gun opened fire from the embrasure that was revealed +on her side" + +"I sighted two convoys, but there were destroyers there...." + +"... when there was a blinding flash and the air seemed filled with +moaning fragments" + +"When I put up my periscope at 9 a.m. the horizon seemed to be ringed +with patrols" + + * * * * * + +INTRODUCTION + + +"I would ask you a favour," said the German captain, as we sat in the +cabin of a U-boat which had just been added to the long line of +bedraggled captives which stretched themselves for a mile or more in +Harwich Harbour, in November, 1918. + +I made no reply; I had just granted him a favour by allowing him to +leave the upper deck of the submarine, in order that he might await the +motor launch in some sort of privacy; why should he ask for more? + +Undeterred by my silence, he continued: "I have a great friend, +Lieutenant-zu-See Von Schenk, who brought U.122 over last week; he has +lost a diary, quite private, he left it in error; can he have it?" + +I deliberated, felt a certain pity, then remembered the _Belgian +Prince_ and other things, and so, looking the German in the face, I +said: + +"I can do nothing." + +"Please." + +I shook my head, then, to my astonishment, the German placed his head +in his hands and wept, his massive frame (for he was a very big man) +shook in irregular spasms; it was a most extraordinary spectacle. + +It seemed to me absurd that a man who had suffered, without visible +emotion, the monstrous humiliation of handing over his command intact, +should break down over a trivial incident concerning a diary, and not +even his own diary, and yet there was this man crying openly before me. + +It rather impressed me, and I felt a curious shyness at being present, +as if I had stumbled accidentally into some private recess of his mind. +I closed the cabin door, for I heard the voices of my crew approaching. + +He wept for some time, perhaps ten minutes, and I wished very much to +know of what he was thinking, but I couldn't imagine how it would be +possible to find out. + +I think that my behaviour in connection with his friend's diary added +the last necessary drop of water to the floods of emotion which he had +striven, and striven successfully, to hold in check during the agony of +handing over the boat, and now the dam had crumbled and broken away. + +It struck me that, down in the brilliantly-lit, stuffy little cabin, +the result of the war was epitomized. On the table were some +instruments I had forbidden him to remove, but which my first +lieutenant had discovered in the engineer officer's bag. + +On the settee lay a cheap, imitation leather suit-case, containing his +spare clothes and a few books. At the table sat Germany in defeat, +weeping, but not the tears of repentance, rather the tears of bitter +regret for humiliations undergone and ambitions unrealized. + +We did not speak again, for I heard the launch come alongside, and, as +she bumped against the U-boat, the noise echoed through the hull into +the cabin, and aroused him from his sorrows. He wiped his eyes, and, +with an attempt at his former hardiness, he followed me on deck and +boarded the motor launch. + +Next day I visited U.122, and these papers are presented to the public, +with such additional remarks as seemed desirable; for some curious +reason the author seems to have omitted nearly all dates. This may have +been due to the fear that the book, if captured, would be of great +value to the British Intelligence Department if the entries were dated. +The papers are in the form of two volumes in black leather binding, +with a long letter inside the cover of the second volume. + +_Internal evidence has permitted me to add the dates as regards the +years. My thanks are due to K. for assistance in translation_. + +ETIENNE. + + * * * * * + +The Diary of a U-boat Commander + + + + +One volume of my war-journal completed, and I must confess it is dull +reading. + +I could not help smiling as I read my enthusiastic remarks at the +outbreak of war, when we visualized battles by the week. What a +contrast between our expectations and the actual facts. + +Months of monotony, and I haven't even seen an Englishman yet. + +Our battle cruisers have had a little amusement with the coast raids at +Scarborough and elsewhere, but we battle-fleet fellows have seen +nothing, and done nothing. + +So I have decided to volunteer for the U-boat service, and my name went +in last week, though I am told it may be months before I am taken, as +there are about 250 lieutenants already on the waiting list. + +But sooner or later I suppose something will come of it. + +I shall have no cause to complain of inactivity in that Service, if I +get there. + + * * * * * + +I am off to-night for a six-days trip, two days of which are to be +spent in the train, to the Verdun sector. + +It has been a great piece of luck. The trip had been arranged by the +Military and Naval Inter-communication Department; and two officers +from this squadron were to go. + +There were 130 candidates, so we drew lots; as usual I was lucky and +drew one of the two chances. + +It should be intensely interesting. + + * * * * * + +_At_ ---- + + +I arrived here last night after a slow and tiresome journey, which was +somewhat alleviated by an excellent bottle of French wine which I +purchased whilst in the Champagne district. + +Long before we reached the vicinity of Verdun it was obvious to the +most casual observer that we were heading for a centre of unusual +activity. + +Hospital trains travelling north-east and east were numerous, and twice +our train, which was one of the ordinary military trains, was shunted +on to a siding to allow troop trains to rumble past. + +As we approached Verdun the noise of artillery, which I had heard +distantly once or twice during the day, as the casual railway train +approached the front, became more intense and grew from a low murmur +into a steady noise of a kind of growling description, punctuated at +irregular intervals by very deep booms as some especially heavy piece +was discharged, or an ammunition dump went up. + +The country here is very different from the mud flats of Flanders, as +it is hilly and well wooded. The Meuse, in the course of centuries, has +cut its way through the rampart of hills which surround Verdun, and we +are attacking the place from three directions. On the north we are +slowly forcing the French back on either river bank--a very costly +proceeding, as each wing must advance an equal amount, or the one that +advances is enfiladed from across the river. + +We are also slowly creeping forward from the east and north-east in the +direction of Douaumont. + +I am attached to a 105-cm. battery, a young Major von Markel in +command, a most charming fellow. I spent all to-day in the advanced +observing position with a young subaltern called Grabel, also a nice +young fellow. I was in position at 6 a.m., and, as apparently is common +here, mist hides everything from view until the sun attains a certain +strength. Our battery was supporting the attack on the north side of +the river, though the battery itself was on the south side, and firing +over a hill called L'Homme Mort. + +Von Markel told me that the fighting here has not been previously +equalled in the war, such is the intensity of the combat and the price +each side is paying. + +I could see for myself that this was so, and the whole atmosphere of +the place is pregnant with the supreme importance of this struggle, +which may well be the dying convulsions of decadent France. + +His Imperial Majesty himself has arrived on the scene to witness the +final triumph of our arms, and all agree that the end is imminent. + +Once we get Verdun, it is the general opinion that this portion of the +French front will break completely, carrying with it the adjacent +sectors, and the French Armies in the Vosges and Argonne will be +committed to a general retreat on converging lines. + +But, favourable as this would be to us, it is generally considered here +that the fall of Verdun will break the moral resistance of the French +nation. + +The feeling is, that infinitely more is involved than the capture of a +French town, or even the destruction of a French Army; it is a question +of stamina; it is the climax of the world war, the focal point of the +colossal struggle between the Latin and the Teuton, and on the +battlefields of Verdun the gods will decide the destinies of nations. + +When I got to the forward observing position, which was situated among +the ruins of a house, a most amazing noise made conversation difficult. + +The orchestra was in full blast and something approaching 12,000 pieces +of all sizes were in action on our side alone, this being the greatest +artillery concentration yet effected during the war. + +We were situated on one side of a valley which ran up at right angles +to the river, whose actual course was hidden by mist, which also +obscured the bottom of our valley. The front line was down in this +little valley, and as I arrived we lifted our barrage on to the far +hill-side to cover an attack which we were delivering at dawn. + +Nothing could be seen of the conflict down below, but after half an +hour we received orders to bring back our barrage again, and Grabel +informed me that the attack had evidently failed. This afternoon I +heard that it was indeed so, and that one division (the 58th), which +had tried to work along the river bank and outflank the hill, had been +caught by a concentration of six batteries of French 75's, which were +situated across the river. The unfortunate 58th, forced back from the +river-side, had heroically fought their way up the side of the hill, +only to encounter our barrage, which, owing to the mist, we thought was +well above and ahead of where they would be. + +Under this fresh blow the 58th had retired to their trenches at the +bottom of the small valley. As the day warmed up the mist disappeared, +and, like a theatre curtain, the lifting of this veil revealed the +whole scene in its terrible and yet mechanical splendour. + +I say mechanical, for it all seemed unreal to me. I knew I should not +see cavalry charges, guns in the open, and all the old-world panoply of +war, but I was not prepared for this barren and shell-torn circle of +hills, continually being freshly, and, to an uninformed observer, +aimlessly lashed by shell fire. + +Not a man in sight, though below us the ground was thickly strewn with +corpses. Overhead a few aeroplanes circled round amidst balls of white +shell bursts. + +During the day the slow-circling aeroplanes (which were artillery +observing machines) were galvanized into frightful activity by the +sudden appearance of a fighting machine on one side or the other; this +happened several times; it reminded me of a pike amongst young trout. + +After lunch I saw a Spad shot down in flames, it was like Lucifer +falling down from high heavens. The whole scene was enframed by a +sluggish line of observation balloons. + +Sometimes groups of these would hastily sink to earth, to rise again +when the menace of the aeroplane had passed. These balloons seemed more +like phlegmatic spectators at some athletic contest than actual +participants in the events. + +I wish my pen could convey to paper the varied impressions created +within my mind in the course of the past day; but it cannot. I have the +consolation that, though I think that I have considerable ability as a +writer, yet abler pens than mine have abandoned in despair the task of +describing a modern battle. + +I can but reiterate that the dominant impression that remains is of the +mechanical nature of this business of modern war, and yet such an +impression is a false one, for as in the past so to-day, and so in the +future, it is the human element which is, has been, and will be the +foundation of all things. + +Once only in the course of the day did I see men in any numbers, and +that was when at 3 p.m. the French were detected massing for a +counter-attack on the south side of the river. It was doomed to be +still-born. As they left their trenches, distant pigmy figures in +horizon blue, apparently plodding slowly across the ground, they were +lashed by an intensive barrage and the little figures were obliterated +in a series of spouting shell bursts. + +Five minutes later the barrage ceased, the smoke drifted away and not a +man was to be seen. Grabel told me that it had probably cost them 750 +casualties. What an amazing and efficient destruction of living +organism! + + * * * * * + +Another most interesting day, though of a different nature. + +To-day was spent witnessing the arrangements for dealing with the +wounded. I spent the morning at an advanced dressing station on the +south bank of the river. It was in a cellar, beneath the ruins of a +house, about 400 yards from the front line and under heavy shell-fire, +as close at hand was the remains of what had been a wood, which was +being used as a concentration point for reserves. + +The cover afforded by this so-called wood was extremely slight, and the +troops were concentrating for the innumerable attacks and +counter-attacks which were taking place under shell fire. This caused +the surgeon in charge of the cellar to describe the wood as our main +supply station! + +I entered the cellar at 8 a.m., taking advantage of a partial lull in +the shelling, but a machine-gun bullet viciously flipped into a wooden +beam at the entrance as I ducked to go in. I was not sorry to get +underground. A sloping path brought me into the cellar, on one side of +which sappers were digging away the earth to increase the +accommodation. + +The illumination consisted of candles set in bottles and some electric +hand lamps. The centre of the cellar was occupied by two portable +operating tables, rarely untenanted during the three hours I spent in +this hell. + +The atmosphere--for there was no ventilation--stank of sweat, blood, +and chloroform. + +By a powerful effort I countered my natural tendency to vomit, and +looked around me. The sides of the cellar were lined with figures on +stretchers. Some lay still and silent, others writhed and groaned. At +intervals, one of the attendants would call the doctor's attention to +one of the still forms. A hasty examination ensued, and the stretcher +and its contents were removed. A few minutes later the stretcher-- +empty--returned. The surgeon explained to me that there was no room +for corpses in the cellar; business, he genially remarked, was too +brisk at the present crucial stage of the great battle. + +The first feelings of revulsion having been mastered, I determined to +make the most of my opportunities, as I have always felt that the naval +officer is at a great disadvantage in war as compared with his +military brother, in that he but rarely has a chance of accustoming +himself to the unpleasant spectacle of torn flesh and bones. + +This morning there was no lack of material, and many of the intestinal +wounds were peculiarly revolting, so that at lunch-time, when another +convenient lull in the torrent of shell fire enabled me to leave the +cellar, I felt thoroughly hardened; in fact I had assisted in a humble +degree at one or two operations. + +I had lunch at the 11th Army Medical Headquarters Mess, and it was a +sumptuous meal to which I did full justice. + +After lunch, whilst waiting to be motored to a field hospital, I +happened to see a battalion of Silesian troops about to go up to the +front line. + +It was rather curious feeling that one was looking at men, each in +himself a unit of civilization, and yet many of whom were about to die +in the interests thereof. + +Their faces were an interesting study. + +Some looked careless and debonair, and seemed to swing past with a +touch of recklessness in their stride, others were grave and serious, +and seemed almost to plod forward to the dictates of an inevitable +fatalism. + +The field hospital, where we met some very charming nurses, on one of +whom I think I created a distinct impression, was not particularly +interesting. It was clean, well-organized and radiated the efficiency +inseparable from the German Army. + + * * * * * + +Back at Wilhelmshaven--curse it! + +Yesterday morning, when about to start on a tour of the ammunition +supply arrangements, I received an urgent wire recalling me at once! + +There was nothing for it but to obey. + +I was lucky enough to get a passage as far as Mons in an albatross +scout which was taking dispatches to that place. + +From there I managed to bluff a motor car out of the town commandant--a +most obliging fellow. This took me to Aachen where I got an express. + +The reason for my recall was that Witneisser went sick and Arnheim +being away, this has left only two in the operations ciphering +department. + +My arrival has made us three. It is pretty strenuous work and, being of +a clerical nature, suits me little. The only consolation is that many +of the messages are most interesting. I was looking through the back +files the other day and amongst other interesting information I came +across the wireless report from the boat that had sunk the _Lusitania_. + +It has always been a mystery to me why we sank her, as I do not believe +those things pay. + + * * * * * + +Arnheim has come back, so I have got out of the ciphering department, +to my great delight. + +I have received official information that my application for U-boats +has been received. Meanwhile all there is to do is to sit at +this ---- hole and wait. + + + + +_2nd June_, 1916. + + +I have fought in the greatest sea battle of the ages; it has been a +wonderful and terrible experience. + +All the details of the battle will be history, but I feel that I must +place on record my personal experiences. + +We have not escaped without marks, and the good old _König_ brought 67 +dead and 125 wounded into port as the price of the victory off +Skajerack, but of the English there are thousands who slept their last +sleep in the wrecked hulls of the battle cruisers which will rust for +eternal ages upon the Jutland banks. + +Sad as our losses are--and the gallant _Lutzow_ has sunk in sight of +home--I am filled with pride. + +We have met that great armada the British Fleet, we have struck them +with a hammer blow and we have returned. I was asleep in my cabin when +the news came that Hipper was coming south with the British battle +cruisers on his beam. In five minutes we were at our action stations. +We made contact with Hipper at 5.30 p.m., [1] and Beatty turned north +with his cruisers and fast battleships and we pursued. + +[Footnote 1: This is 4.30 G.M.T.--Etienne] + +Two of the great ships had been sunk by our battle cruisers, and we had +hopes of destroying the remainder, when at 6.55 the mist on the +northern horizon was pierced by the formidable line of the British +Battle Fleet. + +Jellicoe had arrived! + +Three battle cruisers became involved between the lines, and in an +instant one was blown up, and another crawled west in a sinking +condition. Sudden and terrible are events in a modern sea-battle. + +Confronted with the concentrated force of Britain's Battle Fleet we +turned to east, and for twenty minutes our High Seas Fleet sustained +the unequal contest. + +It was during this period that we were hit seventeen times by heavy +shell, though, in my position in the after torpedo control tower, I +only realized one hit had taken place, which was when a shell plunged +into the after turret and, blowing the roof off, killed every member of +the turret's crew. + +From my position, when the smoke and dust had blown away, I looked down +into a mass of twisted machinery, amongst which I seemed to detect the +charred remains of bodies. + +At about 7.40 we turned, under cover of our smoke screen, and steered +south-west. + +Our position was not satisfactory, as the last information of the enemy +reported them as turning to the southward; consequently they were +between us and Heligoland. + +At 11 p.m. we received a signal for divisions of battle fleets to steer +independently for the Horn Reef swept channel. + +Ten minutes later we underwent the first of five destroyer attacks. + +The British destroyers, searching wide in the night, had located us, +and with desperate gallantry pressed home the attack again and again. +So close did they come that about 1.30 a.m. we rammed one, passing +through her like a knife through a cheese. + +It was a wonderful spectacle to see those sinister craft, rushing madly +to their destruction down the bright beam of our powerful searchlights. +It was an avenue of death for them, but to the credit of their Service +it must stand that throughout the long nightmare they did not hesitate. + +The surrounding darkness seemed to vomit forth flotilla after flotilla +of these cavalry of the sea. + +And they struck us once, a torpedo right forward, which will keep us in +dock for a month, but did no vital injury. + +When morning dawned, misty and soft, as is its way in June in the +Bight, we were to the eastward of the British, and so we came +honourably home to Wilhelmshaven, feeling that the young Navy had laid +worthy foundations for its tradition to grow upon. + +We are to report at Kiel, and shall be six weeks upon the job. + + + + +_Frankfurt_. + + +Back on seventeen days' leave, and everyone here very anxious to hear +details of the battle of Skajerack. + +It is very pleasant to have something to talk to the women about. +Usually the gallant field greys hold the drawing-room floor, with their +startling tales from the Western Front, of how they nearly took Verdun, +and would have if the British hadn't insisted on being slaughtered on +the Somme. + +It is quite impossible in many ways to tell that there is a war on as +far as social life in this place is concerned. + +There is a shortage of good coffee and that is about all. + + * * * * * + +Arrived back on board last night. + +They have made a fine job of us, and we go through the canal to the +Schillig Roads early next week. + +We are to do three weeks' gunnery practices from there, to train the +new drafts. + + + +1916 (_about August_). + +At last! Thank Heavens, my application has been granted. Schmitt (the +Secretary) told me this morning that a letter has come from the +Admiralty to say that I am to present myself for medical examination at +the board at Wilhelmshaven to-morrow. + +What joy! to strike a blow at last, finished for ever the cursed +monotony of inactivity of this High Seas Fleet life. But the U-boat +war! Ah! that goes well. We shall bring those stubborn, blood-sucking +islanders to their knees by striking at them through their bellies. + +When I think of London and no food, and Glasgow and no food, then who +can say what will happen? Revolt! rebellion in England, and our brave +field greys on the west will smash them to atoms in the spring of 1917, +and I, Karl Schenk, will have helped directly in this! Great +thought--but calm! I am not there yet, there is still this confounded +medical board. I almost wish I had not drunk so much last night, not +that it makes any difference, but still one must run no risks, for I +hear that the medical is terribly strict for the U-boat service. Only +the cream is skimmed! Well, to-morrow we shall see. + + * * * * * + +Passed! and with flying colours; it seemed absurdly easy and only took +ten minutes, but then my physique is magnificent, thanks to the +physical training I have always done. I am now due to get three weeks' +leave, and then to Zeebrugge. + +I have wired to the little mother at Frankfurt. + + * * * * * + +_At Zeebrugge, or rather Bruges._ + + +I spent three weeks at home, all the family are pleased except mother; +she has a woman's dread of danger; it is a pleasing characteristic in +peace time, but a cloy on pleasure in days of war. To her, with the +narrowness of a female's intellect, I really believe I am of more +importance than the Fatherland--how absurd. Whilst at Frankfurt I saw a +good deal of Rosa; she seems better looking each time I meet her; +doubtless she is still developing to full womanhood. Moritz was home +from Flanders. He had ten days' leave from Ypres, and, though I have a +dislike for him, he certainly was interesting, though why the English +cling to those wretched ruins is more than I can understand. + +I felt instinctively that in a sense Moritz and I were rivals where +Rosa was concerned, though I have never considered her in that +light--as yet. One day, perhaps? These women are much the same +everywhere, and I could see that having entered the U-boat service made +a difference with Rosa, though her logic should have told her that I +was no different. But is that right? After all, it is something to have +joined this service; the Guards themselves have no better cachet, and +it is certainly cheaper. + +Here we live in billets and in a commandeered hotel. The life ashore is +pleasant enough; the damned Belgians are sometimes sulky, but they know +who is master. Bissing (a splendid chap) sees to that. + +As a matter of fact we have benefited them by our occupation, the shops +do a roaring trade at preposterous prices, and shamefully enough the +German shopkeepers are most guilty. These pot-bellied merchants don't +seem to realize that they exist owing to our exertions. + +I was much struck with the beautiful orderliness of the small gardens +which we have laid out since 1914, and, in fact, wherever one looks +there is evidence of the genius of the German race for thorough +organization. Yet these Belgians don't seem to appreciate it. I can't +understand it. + +I find here that social life is very much gayer than at that mad town +of Wilhelmshaven. At the High Seas Fleet bases there was the strictness +and austerity that some people seem to consider necessary to show that +we are at war, though Heaven knows there was precious little war in the +High Seas Fleet; perhaps that was why the "blood and iron" régime was +in full order ashore. Here, in Bruges, at any rate as far as the +submarine officers are concerned, the matter is far different. When the +boats are in, one seems to do as one likes, with a perfunctory visit to +the ship in the course of the day. + +Witnitz (the Commodore) favours complete relaxation when in from a +trip. In the evenings there are parties, for which there are always +ladies, and I find it is necessary to have a "smoking."[1] I went to +the best tailor to buy one, and found that I must have one made at the +damnable price of 140 marks; the fitter, an oily Jew, had the +incredible impertinence to assure me it would be cut on London lines! + +[Footnote 1: A dinner jacket.] + +I nearly felled him to the ground; can one never get away from England +and things English? I'll see his account waits a bit before I settle +it. + +There are several fellows I know here. Karl Müller, who was 3rd +watchkeeper in the _Yorck_, and Adolf Hilfsbaumer, who was captain of +G.176, are the two I know best. They are both doing a few trips as +second in commands of the later U.C. boats, which are mine-laying off +the English coasts. This is a most dangerous operation, and nearly all +the U.C. boats are commanded by reserve officers, of whom there are a +good many in the Mess. + +Excellent fellows, no doubt, but somewhat uncouth and lacking the finer +points of breeding; as far as I can see in the short time I have been +here they keep themselves to themselves a good deal. I certainly don't +wish to mix with them. Unfortunately, it appears that I am almost bound +to be appointed as second in command of one of the U.C. boats, for at +least one trip before I go to the periscope school and train for a +command of my own. The idea of being bottled up in an elongated cigar +and under the command of one of those nautical plough-boys is +repellent. However, the Von Schenks have never been too proud to obey +in order to learn how to command. + + * * * * * + +I have been appointed second in command to U.C.47. Her captain is one +Max Alten by name. Beyond the fact that I saw him drunk one night in +the Mess I know nothing of him. + +I reported to him and he seems rather in awe of me. His fears are +groundless. + +I shall make it as easy as possible for him, for it must be as awkward +for him as it is unpleasant for me. + +To celebrate my proper entry into the U-boat service, I gave a dinner +party last night in a private room at "Le Coq d'Or." I asked Karl and +Adolf, and told them to bring three girls. My opposite number was a +lovely girl called Zoe something or other. I wore my "smoking" for the +first time; it is certainly a becoming costume. + +We drank a good deal of champagne and had a very pleasant little +debauch; the girls got very merry, and I kissed Zoe once. She was not +very angry. I think she is thoroughly charming, and I have accepted an +invitation to take tea at her flat. She is either the wife or the chère +amie of a colonel in the Brandenburgers, I could not make out which. +Luckily the gallant "Cockchafer" is at the moment on the La Bassée +sector, where I was interested to observe that heavy fighting has +broken out to-day. I must console the fair Zoe! + +Both Karl and Adolf got rather drunk, Adolf hopelessly so, but I, as +usual, was hardly affected. I have a head of iron, provided the liquor +is good, and _I_ saw to that point. + + * * * * * + +We were sailing, or rather going down the canal to Zeebrugge on Friday, +but the starting resistance of the port main motor burnt out and we +were delayed till Sunday, as they will fit a new one. + +I must confess the organization for repair work here is admirable, as +very little is done by the crews in the U-boats, all work being carried +out by the permanent staff, who are quartered at Bruges docks. Taking +advantage of the delay I called on Zoe Stein, as I find she is named. + +It appears she is _not_ married to Colonel Stein. She told me he was +fat and ugly, and laughed a good deal about him. She showed me his +photograph, and certainly he is no beauty. However, he must be a man of +means, as he has given her a charming flat, beautifully decorated with +water-colours which the Colonel salved from the French château in the +early days--these army fellows had all the chances. + +I bade an affectionate farewell to Zoe, and I trust Stein will be still +busily engaged at La Bassée when I return in a fortnight's time! I am +greatly obliged to Karl for the introduction, and told him so; he +himself is running after a little grass widow whose husband has been +missing for some months. I think Karl finds it an expensive game; +luckily Zoe seems well supplied with money--the essential ingredient in +a joyous life. + +On Friday night we had an air-raid--a frequent event here, but my first +experience in this line. Unpleasant, but a fine spectacle, considerable +damage done near the docks and an unexploded bomb fell in a street near +our headquarters. + +Two machines (British) brought down in flames. I saw the green balls +[1] for the first time. A most fascinating sight to see them floating +up in waving chains into the vault of heaven; they reminded me of +making daisy chains as a child. + +[Footnote 1: Known as "Flying-onions."] + + + + +_At Zeebrugge_. + + +We are alongside the mole in one of the new submarine shelters that has +been built. + +The boat is under a concrete roof over three feet thick, which would +defy the heaviest bomb. + +We have much improved the port since our arrival. The port, so-called, +is purely artificial, and actually consists of a long mole with a +gentle curve in it, which reaches out to seaward and protects the mouth +of the canal. The tides are very strong up and down the coast, and +constant dredging is carried out to keep 20 feet of water over the sill +at the lock gates. + +On arrival last night we went straight into No. 11 shelter, as an +air-raid was expected, but nothing happened, so I went up to the +"Flandre," which seems to be the best hotel here, full of submarine +people, and I heard many interesting stories. There seems no doubt this +U-boat war is dangerous work; I find the U.C. boats are beginning to be +called the Suicide Club, after the famous English story of that name, +which, curiously enough, I saw on the kinematograph at Frankfurt last +leave. We Germans are extraordinarily broad-minded; I doubt if the +works of German authors are seen on the screens in England or France. + +The news from the West is good, the English are hurling themselves to +destruction against our steel front. We are now to load up with mines. +I must stop writing to superintend this work. + + + + +_At sea. Near the South Dogger Light._ + + +We loaded up the ten mines we carry in an hour and five minutes. They +were lifted from a railway truck by a big crane and delicately lowered +into the mine tubes, of which we have five in the bows. + +The tubes extend from the upper deck of the ship to her keel, and slope +aft to facilitate release. Having completed with fuel at Bruges, we +took in a store of provisions and Alten went up to the Commodore's +office to get our sailing orders. + +We sailed at 6 p.m. and at last I felt I was off. To-day, the 22nd, we +are just north of the South Dogger, steering north-westerly at 9-1/2 +knots. + +The sea is quite calm and everything is very pleasant. Our mission is +to lay a small minefield off Newcastle in the East Coast war channel. I +have, of course, never been to sea for any length of time in a U-boat, +and it is all very novel. + +I find the roar of the Diesel engine very relentless, and last night +slept badly in a wretched bunk, which was a poor substitute for my +lovely quarters in the barracks at Wilhelmshaven. One thing I +appreciate, and that is the food; it is really excellent: fresh milk, +fresh butter, white bread and many other luxuries. + +I have spent most of the day picking up things about the boat. Her +general arrangement is as follows: + +Starting in the bows, mine tubes occupy the centre of the boat, leaving +two narrow passages, one each side. In the port passage is the wireless +cabinet and signal flag lockers, with store rooms underneath. In the +starboard passage are one or two small pumps and the kitchen. + +The next compartment contains four bunks, two each side, these are +occupied by Alten, myself, the engineer, and the Navigating Warrant +Officer. Proceeding further aft one enters the control room, in which +one periscope is situated, and the necessary valves and pumps for +diving the boat. + +The next compartment is the crew space; ten of the company exist here. + +Overhead on each side is the gear for releasing the torpedoes from the +external torpedo tubes, of which we carry one each side. I think we +borrowed this idea from the Russians. + +Then comes the engine-room, an inferno of rattling noises, but +excellent engines, I believe. At the after end of the engine-room are +the two main switchboards, of whose manner of working I am at present +in some ignorance. + +The two main sets of electric motors are underneath the boards, in the +stern, where we have a third torpedo tube. + + * * * * * + +I had hardly written the above words when a message came that the +captain would like me to come to the bridge. + +I went up in a leisurely fashion, through the conning tower, which is +over the control room, and reported myself. He indicated a low-lying +patch of smoke on the horizon far away on the starboard bow. I was +obliged to confess that it conveyed nothing to me, when he aroused my +intense interest by stating that it was, without doubt, being emitted +from a British submarine, who are known to frequent these waters. He +was proceeding away from us, and was, even then, six or seven miles +away, so an attack was out of the question. The engineer, who had +joined us, drew my attention to the thin wisp of almost invisible +blue-grey smoke from our own stern. The contrast was certainly +striking! + +Over dinner I gave it as my opinion that the British boats were pretty +useless. Alten would not agree, and stated that, though in certain +technical aspects they were in a position of inferiority, yet in +personnel and skill in attacking they were fully our equals. He seemed +to hold them in considerable respect, and he remarked that, when making +a passage, he was more anxious on their account than in any other way. +He informed me that, on the last passage he made, he was attacked by a +British boat which he never saw, the only indication he received being +a torpedo which jumped out of the water almost over his tail. Luckily +it was very rough at the time, which made the torpedo run erratically, +otherwise they would undoubtedly have been hit. + +What appeared to astonish him was the fact that the British boat had +been able to make an attack in such weather. We are now charging on one +engine, 500 amperes on each half-battery. + + * * * * * + +We are due back at Zeebrugge at 10 p.m. to-night. We should have been +in at dawn to-day, but we received a wireless from the senior officer, +Zeebrugge, to say that mine-laying was suspected, and we were to wait +till the "Q.R." channel, from the Blankenberg buoy, had been swept. We +lay in the bottom for eight hours, a few miles from the western end of +the channel. + +Our trip was quite successful, but not without certain excitements. + +On the night of the 23rd we passed fairly close to a fishing fleet on +the Dogger Bank, and saw the lights of several steamers in the +distance. As our first business was to lay our mines in the appointed +place, we did not worry them. + +We burnt usual navigation lights, or rather side lights which appear to +be usual, except that, by a little fitting which Alten has made +himself, the arcs of bearing on which the lights show can be changed at +will. His idea is that, should we appear to be approaching a steamer +which he wishes to avoid, in many cases, by shining a little more or +less red and green light, we can make her think that we are a steamer +on such a course that it is her duty by the rules of the road to keep +clear of us. + +He tells me it has worked on several occasions, and he has also found +it useful to have two small auxiliary side lights fitted which are the +wrong colours for the sides they are on. It is, of course, only neutral +shipping which carry lights nowadays, though Alten says that many +British ships are still incredibly careless in the matter of lights. + +However, to resume my account of what happened. We reached our position +at dawn or slightly after, the weather was beautifully calm and the sea +like glass. As we were only three miles from the English coast, and +close to the mouth of the Tyne, we were extraordinarily lucky to have +nothing in sight, if one excepts a long smudge of smoke which trailed +across the horizon to the southward. + +The land itself was obscured by early morning banks of mist, yet +everything was so still that we actually faintly heard the whistle of a +train. I could hardly restrain from suggesting to Alten that we should +elevate the 10-cm. gun to fifteen degrees and fire a few rounds on to +"proud Albion's virgin shores," but I did not do so as I felt fairly +certain that he would not approve, and I do not wish to lay myself open +to rebuffs from him after his behaviour concerning the smoking +incident. I boil with rage at the thought, but again I digress. + +The fact that the land was obscured was favourable from the point of +view that we were not worried by coast watchers, but unfavourable from +the standpoint that we were unable to take bearings of anything and so +ascertain our exact position. + +The importance of this point in submarine mine-laying is obvious, for, +owing to our small cargo of eggs, it is quite possible that we may be +sent here again, to lay an adjacent field, in which case it is highly +desirable to know the exact position of one's previous effort. + +[Illustration: "Steering north-westerly...; to lay a small minefield +off Newcastle."] + +[Illustration: "He had suddenly seen the bow waves of a destroyer +approaching at full speed to ram."] + +We were somewhat assisted in our efforts to locate ourselves by the +fact that a seven-fathom patch existed exactly where we had to lay. We +picked up the edge of this bank with our sounding machine, and steering +north half a mile, laid our mines in latitude--No! on second thoughts I +will omit the precise position, for, though I shall take every +precaution, there is no saying that through some misfortune this +Journal might not get into the wrong hands. + +I am very glad I decided to keep these notes, as I shall take much +pleasure in reading them when Victory crowns our efforts and the joys +of a peaceful life return. + +I found it a delightful sensation being so close to the enemy coast, in +his territorial waters, in fact. For the first time since the Skajerack +battle I experienced the personal joys of war, the sensation of +intimate and successful contact with the enemy, and the most hated +enemy at that. + +We had hardly finished laying our eggs when a droning noise was heard. +With marvellous celerity we dived, that damned fellow Alten, who, under +these circumstances leaves the bridge last, treading on my fingers as +he followed me down the conning tower ladder. + +The engineer endeavoured to sympathize with me, and made some idiotic +remark about my being quicker when I had had more practice. I bit his +head off. I can't stand this hail-fellow-well-met attitude in these +U.C. boats, from any lout dressed in an officer's uniform. They +wouldn't be holding commissions if it wasn't for the war, and they +should remember that fact. I suppose they think I'm stand-offish. Well, +if they had my family tree behind them they would understand. + +We dived to sixty feet, and then came up to twenty. Alten looked +through the periscope, and then invited me to look. Curiosity impelled +me to accept this favour and, putting the focussing lever to +"skyscrape" I swept round the sky. + +At last I saw him; he was a small gas-bag of diminutive size, beneath +which was suspended a little car, the most ridiculous little travesty +of an airship I have ever seen. He was nosing along at about 800 feet +and making about 40 knots. + +Suddenly he must have seen the wake of our periscope, for he turned +towards us. Simultaneously Alten, from the conning tower (I was using +the other periscope in the control room), ordered the boat to sixty +feet, and put the helm hard over. + +We had turned sixteen points, [1] and in about two minutes heard a +series of reports right astern of us. It was evident that our ruse had +succeeded and that he had overshot the mark. + +[Footnote 1: 180º] + +Inside the boat one felt a slight jar as each bomb went off. + +We gradually came round to our proper course, and cruised all day +submerged at dead slow speed. Every time we lifted our periscope he was +still hanging about sufficiently close to make it foolish for us to +come to the surface. + +Towards noon a group of trawlers, doubtless summoned by wireless, +appeared, and proceeded to wander about. These seemed to concern Alten +far more than the airship, and he informed me that from their, to me, +aimless movements he deduced they were hunting for us by hydroplanes. +Occasionally we lay on the bottom in nineteen fathoms. + +By 4 p.m. the atmosphere was becoming rather unpleasant and hot, and +gradually we took off more clothes. Curiously enough, I longed for a +smoke, but wild horses would not have made me ask Alten for permission. + +At 8 p.m. it was sufficiently dark to enable us to rise, which gave me +great pleasure, though the first rush of fresh air down the hatch made +me vomit after hours of breathing the vitiated muck. On coming to the +surface we saw nothing in sight, but a breeze had sprung up which +caused spray to break over the bridge as we chugged along at 9 knots. + +Everyone was in high spirits, as always on the return journey, when the +mind turns to the Fatherland and all it holds. + +My mind turns to Zoe. I confess it to myself frankly. I hardly realized +to what extent this woman had begun to influence me until we received +the wireless signal ordering us to delay entering for twelve hours. The +receipt of this news, trivial though the delay has been, threw a mantle +of gloom over the crew. I participated in the depression and, upon +thought, rather wondered that this should be so. Self-analysis on the +lines laid down by Schessmanweil [1] revealed to me that the basis of +my annoyance is the fact that my next meeting with Zoe is deferred! I +feel instinctively that I shall have trouble here, and that I had +better haul off a lee shore whilst there is manoeuvring room, and +yet--and yet I secretly rejoice that every revolution of the propeller, +every clank and rattle of the Diesels brings us closer together. + +[Footnote 1: Apparently some German author, of obscure origin, as I +cannot find him in any book of reference.--ETIENNE.] + +Alten has just come down from the bridge, and we chatted for some +moments; it is evident that he wishes to apologize for his rudeness +over the smoking incident. + +I was in error, I admit it frankly; at the same time I did not know +that the battery was on charge, and to dash a match from my hand! I +could have shot him where he stood. However, I am not vindictive, and +as far as I am concerned the incident is ended. + +One thing I find trying in this small boat, and that is that I can +find no space in which to do half my Müller exercises, the leg- +and-arm-swinging ones. I must see whether I can't invent a set of +U-boat exercises! + +Good! in two hours we reach the Mole-end light buoy. + + * * * * * + +_Submarine Mess, Bruges._ + + +It is midnight, and as I write in my room at the top of the house the +low rumble of the guns from the south-west vibrates faintly through the +open window, for it is extraordinarily warm for the time of year, and I +have flung back the curtains and risked the light shining. + +We spent the night at Zeebrugge and came up to the docks here next day. +We shall probably be in for a week, and I am on four days' "extended +absence from the boat," which practically means that I can go where I +like in the neighbourhood provided I am handy to a telephone. + +After a short inward struggle I rang Zoe up on the telephone; +fortunately I did not call first. + +A man's voice answered, and for a moment I was dumbfounded. I guessed +at once it was the Colonel, and I had counted so confidently on his +being still away at the front. + +For an instant I felt speechless, an impulse came to me to ring off +without further ado, but I restrained myself, and then a fine idea came +into my head. + +"Who is that?" I said. + +"Colonel Stein!" replied the voice, and my fears were confirmed, but my +plan of campaign held good. + +"I am speaking," I continued, "on behalf of Lieutenant Von +Schenk----" + +"Ah, yes!" growled the voice, and for an instant a panic seized me, but +I resumed: + +"He met Madame Stein at dinner some days ago, and she kindly asked him +to call; he has asked me to ring up and inquire when it would be +convenient, as he would like to meet you, sir, as well. He has been +unable to ring up himself, as he was sent away from Bruges on duty +early this morning." + +I smiled to myself at this little lie and listened. + +"Your friend had better call to-morrow then, for I leave to-morrow +evening for the Somme front; will you tell him?" + +I replied that I would, and left the telephone well satisfied, but +cursing the fates that made it advisable to keep clear of No. 10, +Kafelle Strasse for thirty-six hours. Needless to say next day I rang +up again in order to tell the Colonel that Lieutenant Schenk had +apparently been detained, as he was not yet back in Bruges, and how I +felt sure that he would be sorry at missing the Colonel, etc., etc., +but all this camouflage was unnecessary, as she herself came to the +'phone. I could have kissed the instrument when I told her of my +stratagem and heard her silvery laughter in my ear. + +"It is arranged that to-morrow, starting at 10.30, we motor for the day +to the Forest of Meten, taking our lunch and tea with us--pray Heaven +the weather holds." + +To-night in the Mess it is generally considered that U.B.40 has been +lost; she is ten days overdue and was operating off Havre, she has made +no signal for a fortnight. Such is the price of victory and the cost of +war--death, perhaps, in some terrible form, but bah! away with such +thoughts, to-morrow there is love and life and Zoe! + + * * * * * + +Once more it is night, still the guns rumble on the same old dismal +tones, and as it is raining now it must be getting bad up at the front. +Except for the rain it might have been last night, but much has +happened to me in the meanwhile. + +To-day in the forest by Ruysslede I found that I loved Zoe, loved her +as I have never yet loved woman, loved her with my soul and all that is +me. + +The day was gloriously fine when we started, and an hour's run took us +to the forest. We left the car at an inn and wandered down one of the +glades. + +I carried the basket and we strolled on and on until we found a +suitable place deep in the heart of the forest. + +I have the sailor's love for woods, for their depths, their shadows, +their mysteries, which are so vivid a contrast to the monotony of the +sea, with the everlasting circle of the horizon and the half-bowl of +the heavens above. + +In the forest to-day, though the leaves had turned to gold and red and +brown, the beeches were still well covered, and overhead we were tented +with a russet canopy. + +I say, at last we found a spot, or rather Zoe, who, with girlish +pleasure in the adventure, had run ahead, called to me, and as I write +I seem to hear the echoes of "Karl! Karl!" which rang through the wood. +When I came up to her she proudly pointed to the place she had found. + +It was ideal. An outcrop of rock formed a miniature Matterhorn in the +forest, and beneath its shelter with the old trees as silent witnesses +we sat and joked and laughed, and made twenty attempts to light a fire. + +After lunch, a little incident happened which had an enormous effect on +me; Zoe asked me whether I would mind if she smoked. + +How many women in these days would think of doing that? And yet, had +she but known it, I am still sufficiently old-fashioned to appreciate +the implied respect for any possible prejudices which was contained in +her request. + +After lunch, I asked her a question to which I dreaded the answer. + +I asked her whether, now that the old Colonel had gone to the Somme, +whether that meant that she would be leaving Bruges. + +She laughed and teasingly said: "Quien sabe, señor," but seeing my real +anxiety on this point, she assured me that she was not leaving for the +present. The Colonel, she said, had a strange belief that once a man +had served on the Flanders Front, and especially on the Ypres salient, +he always came back to die there. + +It appears that the Colonel has done fourteen months' service on the +salient alone, and is firmly convinced he will end his career on that +great burial ground. As we were talking about the Colonel I longed to +ask her how she had met him, and perhaps find out why she lives with +him, for I cannot believe she loves him, but I did not dare. + +Strangely enough I found that a curious shyness had taken hold of me +with regard to Zoe. + +I said to myself, "Fool! you are alone with her, you long to kiss her; +you have kissed her, first at the dinner-party, secondly when you said +good-bye at her flat," and yet to-day it was different. + +Then I was kissing a pretty woman, I was on the eve of a dangerous +life, and I was simply extracting the animal pleasures whilst I lived. + +To-day it was a case of Zoe, the personality I loved; I still longed to +kiss her, but I wanted to have the unquestioned right to kiss her, as +much as I wanted the kisses. + +I wanted to have her for my own, away from the contaminating ownership +of the old Colonel, and I determined to get her. + +I think she noticed the changed attitude on my part, and perhaps she +felt herself that a subtle change in our relationship had taken place, +and whilst I meditated on these things she fell into a doze at my side. + +I was sitting slightly above her, smoking to keep the midges away, and +as I looked down on her childish figure a great tenderness for her +filled my mind. She is very beautiful and to me desirable above all +women; I can see her as she lay there trustfully at my feet. I will +describe her, and then, when I get her photograph, I will read this +when I am far away on a trip. + +She is of average height, for I am just over six feet and she reaches +to just above my shoulder. Her hair is gloriously thick and of a deep +black colour, and lies low on her forehead. Her complexion is of the +purest whiteness beyond compare, which but accentuates the red warmth +of the lips which encircle her little mouth. Her figure is slight and +her ankles are my delight, but her crowning glories, which I have +purposely left till last, are her eyes. + +I feel I could lose my soul; I have lost it, if I have one, in the +violet depths of those eyes, which were veiled as she slept by the long +black eyelashes which curled up delicately as they rested on her +cheeks. I have re-read this description, and it is oh, so unsatisfying; +would I had the pen of a Goethe or a Shakespeare, yet for want of more +skill the description shall stand. + +How I long for her to be mine, and yet, unfortunate that I am, I cannot +for certain declare that she loves me. + +A thousand doubts arise. I torment myself with recollections of her +behaviour at the dinner-party, when within two hours of our first +meeting she gave me her lips. + +Yet did I not first roughly kiss her as we danced? + +I find consolation in the fact that, though she has said nothing, yet +her conduct to-day was different. She was so quiet after tea as we +wandered back through the forests with the setting sun striking golden +beams aslant the tree trunks. + +Before we left I sang to her Tchaikowsky's beautiful song, "To the +Forest," and I think she was pleased, for I may say with justice that +my voice is of high quality for an amateur, and the song goes well +without an accompaniment, whilst the atmosphere and surroundings were +ideal. + +There was only one jarring note in a perfect day; when we returned to +the car the chauffeur permitted himself a sardonic grin. Zoe +unfortunately saw it and blushed scarlet. + +I could have struck him on his impudent mouth, but for her sake I +judged it advisable to notice nothing. + +I feel I could go on writing about her all night, but it is nearly 2 +a.m. I must get some sleep. + +The guns rumble steadily in the south-west, and the sky is lit by their +flashes; may the fighting on the Somme be bloody these coming days. + + + + +[_Probably about ten days later.--Etienne._] + + +We leave to-night, having had a longer spell than usual. I am in a +distracted state of mind. Since our glorious day in the forest I have +seen her nearly every afternoon, though twice that swine Alten has kept +me in the boat in connection with some replacements of the battery. + +I have found out that, like me, she is intensely musical. She plays +beautifully on the piano, and we had long hours together playing Chopin +and Beethoven; we also played some of Moussorgsky's duets, but I love +her best when she plays Chopin, the composer pre-eminent of love and +passion. + +She has masses of music, as the Colonel gives her what she likes. We +also played a lot of Debussy. At first I demurred at playing a living +French composer's works, but she pouted and looked so adorable that all +my scruples vanished in an instant, so we closed all the doors and she +played it for hours very softly whilst I forgot the war and all its +horrors and remembered only that I was with the well-beloved girl. + +The Colonel writes from Thiepval, where the British are pouring out +their blood like water. He writes very interesting letters, and has had +many narrow escapes, but unfortunately he seems to bear a charmed life. +His letters are full of details, and I wonder he gets them past the +Field Censorship, but I suppose he censors his own. + +She laughs at them and calls them her Colonel's dispatches; she says he +is so accustomed to writing official reports that the poor old man +can't write an ordinary letter. + +I told her that I thought the way he mentioned regiments and +dispositions rather indiscreet, and she agrees, but she says he has +asked her to keep them, with a view to forming a collection of letters +written from the front whilst the incidents he describes are vivid in +his mind. I suppose the old ass knows his own business, and one day the +collection may be completed by a telegram "Regretting to announce, etc. +etc." The sooner the better. + +So the days passed pleasantly enough, and never by a gesture or word of +mouth did she show that I was more to her than any other pleasant young +man. + +I kissed her when I arrived, I kissed her when I left, each day was the +same. She would put her arms round my neck and look long and deeply +into my eyes, then she would gently kiss my lips. Not an atom of +emotion! not a spark from the fires which I feel must be raging beneath +that diabolically [1] extraordinary [1] amazingly calm exterior. + +[Footnote 1: These words are crossed out.--ETIENNE.] + +On ordinary subjects she would chatter vivaciously enough and she can +talk in a fascinating manner on every subject I care to bring up, but +as soon as I drew the conversation round to a personal line she +gradually became more silent and a far-away and distant look came into +those wonderful eyes. + +I have found out nothing about her beyond the fact that she has +travelled all over Europe. I don't even know how old she is, but I +should guess twenty-six. + +I tried to find out a few details by means of discreet remarks at the +Club and elsewhere. + +She simply arrived here about a year ago--as a singer, and met the +Colonel--beyond that, all is mystery. Everything about her attracts me +powerfully, and this mystery adds subtleties to her charms. + +This afternoon I went to say good-bye; I told her we were leaving +"shortly," and she gently reproved me for disobeying the order which +forbids discussion of movements, but I could see she was not greatly +displeased. + +After tea she played to me, music of the modern Russian +school--Arensky, Sibelius and Pilsuki; a storm was brewing and we both +felt sad. + +She played for an hour or so, and then came and sat by me on a low +divan by the fire. We were silent for a long while in the gathering +gloom, whilst a thousand thoughts chased each other swiftly through my +brain, as I endeavoured to summon up courage to say what I had +determined I must say before I left her, perhaps for ever. + +At last, when only her profile was visible against the glow of the +logs, I spoke. + +I told her quietly, calmly and almost dispassionately that I had grown +to love her and that to me she was life itself. I told her that I had +tried not to speak until I could endure no longer. + +She sat very still as I spoke, and when I had finished there was a long +silence and I gently stretched out my hand and stroked her lovely black +hair. At last she rose and with averted face walked across the room, +and stood looking at the storm through the big bow windows. I watched +her, but did not dare follow. + +At length she returned to me, and I saw what I had instinctively known +the whole time--that she had been crying. I could not think why. + +She put her arms round my neck, kissed me on the forehead and murmured, +"Poor Karl." + +I felt crushed; I dared not move for fear of breaking the magic of the +moment, yet I longed to know more; I felt overwhelmed by some colossal +mystery that seemed to be enveloping me in its folds. Why did she pity +me? Why did she weep? Why didn't she answer my avowal? Why didn't she +tell me something? Such were some of the problems that perplexed me. + +It was thus when the clock chimed seven. I told her that my leave was +up at seven o'clock, and that at 7.15 I had to be back on board the +boat. She remembered this, and in an instant the past quarter of an +hour might never have existed. She was all agitation and nervousness +lest I should be late on board--though at the moment I would have +cheerfully missed the boat to hear her say she loved me. + +I tried to protest, but in vain. With feminine quickness she utilized +the incident to avoid a situation she evidently found full of +difficulty, and at 7.10, with the memory of a light kiss on my lips and +her God-speed in my ears I was in a taxi driving to the docks in a +blinding rain-storm--and we sail to-night. + +For five, six, seven, perhaps ten days at the least, and at the most +for ever, I am doomed to be away from her and without news of her. And +I don't even know whether she loves me! + +I think I can say she cares for me up to a certain point, but I want +more. + + "Oh Zoe! of the violet eyes, + And hair of blackest night + Thy lips are brightest crimson, + Thy skin is dazzling white. + + "Oh! lay your head upon my breast, + And lift your lips to mine; + Then murmur in soft breathings, + Drink deep from what is thine. + + "Then let the war rage onward, + Let kingdoms rise and fall; + To each shall be the other, + Their life, their hope, their all." + +[Footnote: I am indebted to Commander C. C. for the above rough +translation of Karl's effusion.--ETIENNE.] + + + + +_At sea._ + + +We are bound for the same old spot as last time. + +Alten must have been drinking like a fish lately; his breath smells +like a distillery; he is apparently partial to schnapps, which he gets +easily in Bruges. + +I can't help admiring the man, as he is a rigid teetotaller at sea, +though he must find the strain well nigh intolerable, judging from the +condition he was in when he came on board last night. He was really +totally unfit to take charge of the boat, and I virtually took her down +the canal, though with sottish obstinacy he insisted on remaining on +the bridge. + +This morning, though his complexion was a hideous yellow colour, he +seems quite all right. I shall play a little trick on him at dinner +to-night. + +I have begun to get to know some of the crew by now; they are a fine +lot of youngsters with a seasoning of half a dozen older men. The +coxswain, Schmitt by name, is a splendid old petty officer who has been +in the U-boat service since 1911. + +His favourite enjoyment is to spin yarns to the younger members of the +crew, who know of his weakness and play up to it. + +He has a favourite expression which runs thus: + +"His Majesty the Kaiser said Germany's future lies on the sea; I say +Germany's future lies under the sea." + +He is inordinately fond of this statement, and the youngsters +continually say: "What made you take to U-boat work, Schmitt?" and the +invariable reply is as above. When he has been asked the question about +half a dozen times in the course of a day, he is liable to become +suspicious, and if his questioner is within range Schmitt stares at him +for a few seconds in an absent-minded way, then an arm like that of a +gorilla shoots out, and the quizzer (_Untersucher_) receives a +resounding box on the ears to the huge delight of his companions. The +old man then permits his iron-lipped mouth to relax into a caustic +smile, after which he is left in peace for some time. + +At the wheel he is an artist, for he seems to divine what the next +order is going to be, or if he is steering her on a course he predicts +the direction of the next wave even as a skilful chess player works out +the moves ahead. + + * * * * * + +I am rather weary and ought to go to bed, but before I lose the savour +I must record the splendid fun I had with Alten at dinner. + +We were dining alone, as the navigator was on the bridge, and the +engineer was busy with a slight leak in the cooking water service. I +have said that, though a heavy drinker by nature, Alten is a strict +abstainer at sea. Accordingly I produced a small flask of rum, half-way +through dinner, and helped myself to a liberal tot, placing the liquor +between us on the table. As the sight met his eyes and the aroma +greeted his nostrils, a gleam of joy flashed across his face, to be +succeeded by a frown. + +With an amiable smile I proffered the flask to him, remarking at the +same time: "You don't drink at sea, do you?" + +In a thick voice he muttered, "No! Yes--no! thank you." + +With an air of having noticed nothing, I resumed my meal, but out of +the corner of my eye I watched his left hand on the table near the +flask. It was most interesting, all the veins stood out like ropes, and +his knuckles almost burst through the skin. + +This went on for about thirty seconds, when he choked out something +about needing a breath of fresh air. As he got up his face was brick +red, and I almost thought he'd have a fit. + +Whether by accident or design he pulled the cloth as he got out from +between the settee and the table and upset the flask. + +He was apparently incapable of apologizing, for he rushed up on deck. + +A few minutes later the navigating officer came down and asked what was +up? + +I said: "What do you mean?" + +He said: "Well, the Captain came up just now, swearing like a trooper, +and told me to get to the devil out of it; it didn't seem advisable to +question him, so I got out of it and came down." + +I expressed my opinion that the Captain must be feeling sea-sick and +was ashamed to say so. I also suggested to the navigator that he should +take the Captain a little brandy in case he was not feeling well, but +the navigator declared he was going to stay down in the warmth till he +was sent for. Alten is a great coarse brute. Fancy allowing a material +substance such as alcohol to grip one's mentality. + +Thank Heaven I have nerves of iron; nothing would affect me! + +And now to bed, though I must just read my account of our day in the +forest. Darling girl, may I dream of thee. + + * * * * * + +We laid our mines without trouble at 5 a.m. this morning, though at +midnight we had a most unpleasant experience. + +I was asleep, as it was my morning watch, when I was awakened by the +harsh rattle of the diving alarms. + +The Diesel subsided with a few spasmodic coughs into silence, and as I +jumped out of my bunk and groped for my short sea boots, the navigator +and helmsman came tumbling down the conning tower, with the navigator +shouting, "Take her down," as hard as you like. + +The men at the planes had them "hard-to-dive" in an instant. + +The vents had been opened as the hooters sounded, and Alten, who had +jumped into the control room, immediately rang down, "All out on the +electric motors." + +In thirty seconds from the original alarm we were at an angle of twenty +degrees down by the bow, and I had sat down heavily on the battery +boards, completely surprised by the sudden tilt of the deck. + +It occurred to me that the air was escaping through the vents with a +strangely loud noise, but before I could consider the matter further or +even inquire the reason for this sudden dive, the noise increased to a +terrifying extent, and whilst I prepared myself for the worst it +culminated into a roar as of fifty express trains going through a +tunnel, mingled with the noise of a high-powered aeroplane engine. + +The roar drummed and beat and shook the boat, then died away as +suddenly as it came; a moment later there was a severe jar. We had +struck the bottom, still maintaining our angle. + +I painfully got to my feet and then discovered from the navigator that +he had suddenly seen two white patches of foam 800 yards on the +starboard bow, which resolved themselves into the bow waves of a +destroyer approaching at full speed to ram. + +We had dived just in time, and her knife-edged bow, driven by 30,000 +horse power, had slid through the water a very few feet above our +conning tower. + +Luckily he had not dropped any depth charges. We were not, however, +completely free of our troubles, though we had cheated the destroyer. + +Examination of the chart, showed the bottom to be mud, and on +attempting to move the foremost hydroplanes, the plane motor fuses blew +out. This showed that the boat was buried in the mud right up to her +foremost planes, which were immovable. + +The hydrophone watchkeeper reported that he could still hear +fast-running propellers, though probably some distance away, and as +this showed that our old enemy was still nosing about we were very +anxious not to break surface. We just blew "A." [1] At least we started +to blow "A," but Alten wisely decided that, as it was a calm night with +a half-moon, the bubbles on the surface might be rather conspicuous, so +we stopped the blow and put the pump on. We also flooded "W". [2] This +had no effect on her at all. + +[Footnote 1: Probably their foremost internal tank.--ETIENNE.] + +[Footnote 2: Presumably their after internal tank.--ETIENNE.] + +We then pumped out "Q" and "P," leaving "W" full, and adjusted our trim +to give her only three tons negative buoyancy, just enough to keep us +on the bottom if she came out of the mud. + +In this position we went full speed astern on the motors, 1,500 amps on +each, and all the crew in the after-compartment. No result. We then +pumped the outer diving tanks on the port side to give her a list to +starboard. Still she remained fixed. + +So at 2 a.m. we decided to risk it and we put a slow blow on all tanks. + +When she had about fifty tons positive buoyancy she suddenly bucketed +up, and, as the motors were running full speed astern at the time, we +came up and broke surface stern first. In a few seconds we were trimmed +down again, and as a precautionary measure we proceeded for a couple of +miles at twenty metres, when, coming up to periscope depth, we +surfaced, and finding all clear we proceeded. We were put down by a +trawler at dawn, though she never saw us. After half an hour's hanging +about she moved off, which was lucky, as she was right on our billet. + +We are now proceeding to a spot somewhat to the eastward of Cape St. +Abbs, [3] as we have instructions to do a two-days patrol here and sink +shipping. + +[Footnote 3: St. Abbs Head.--ETIENNE] + +We ought to start business to-morrow morning. + + * * * * * + +We should be in to-night, then for my little Zoe! + +But I must record what we have done. Already I am getting much pleasure +from reading my diary. Strange how it amuses one to see little bits of +oneself on paper, and the less garnished and franker the truths the +more entertaining it is. + +[Illustration: "The torpedo had jumped clean out of the water a hundred +yards short of the steamer and had then dived under her."] + +[Illustration: "We were put down by a trawler at dawn."] + +[Illustration: A moment later there was a severe jar; we had struck +the bottom] + +The hours here are so long and boring at times that I feel I want to +talk intimately with someone. Failing Zoe I turn to my notebooks. + +The first steamer we sighted raised high hopes, at least her smoke did, +for we saw enough smoke on the horizon to make us think we were to see +the Grand Fleet, and we promptly dived. We cruised towards her for +about half an hour, and then hung about where we were, as we found that +her course would take the ship close to us. + +As the situation developed, Alten, who was up in the conning tower at +the "A" periscope, gave us a certain amount of information, and we +gathered that all this smoke was pouring out of the pipe-stem tunnel of +a wretched little English tramp. + +I found it most irritating, standing in the control room (my action +station) and not knowing what was going on. + +There is only one good job in a submarine and that is the Captain's. He +knows and decides everything. The rest of us are in his hands and take +things on trust. I object on principle to my life being held in Alten's +hands. It is all very well for the crew, for, to start with, they have +no imagination, and to most of them their mental horizon stops at the +walls of the boat. Secondly, they have the consolation of mechanical +activities; they make and break switches and open and close +valves--they work with their hands. An officer has imagination, and +only works with his head. + +As we attacked the steamer, all one heard was murmurs from Alten, such +as: "Raise!" "Lower!" "Take her down to ten metres!" "Half speed!" +"Slow!" "Bring her up to five metres!" "Raise!" "Lower!" + +I endeavoured to simulate an air of unconcern which I was far from +feeling. + +Not that I was a prey to physical fear; I flatter myself it is so far +unknown to me, and there was no great danger, but simply that I longed +to know what was happening. At length I heard the welcome order: + +"Starboard tube. Stand by!" + +Which was followed almost immediately by the order: "Fire!" + +There was a kind of coughing grunt, and the starboard torpedo proceeded +on its errand of destruction. + +Every ear was strained for the sound of the explosion, but all we were +vouchsafed was a torrent of blasphemy from Alten. + +The torpedo had jumped clean out of the water a hundred yards short of +the steamer, and had then evidently dived under the ship; so I gathered +later when Alten had calmed down somewhat. We were about to surface and +give her the gun, when luckily Alten took a good sweep round with the +skyscraper and discovered one of those wretched little airships about a +mile away, coming towards the steamer, which was wailing piteously, on +her syren. + +As the chart showed forty metres we decided to bottom and have lunch. + +Over lunch we discussed the misadventure. Alten was loud in his curses +of Tanzerman (the torpedo lieutenant at Bruges), from whom he had got +the torpedo in guaranteed good condition only forty-eight hours before +we sailed. He launched forth into a tirade against the torpedo staff at +Bruges, and, warming to his subject, he roundly abused the whole of the +depot personnel, whom he stigmatized as a set of hard-drinking, +shore-loafing ruffians, who were incapable of realizing that they +existed for the benefit of the boats' personnel and "material." + +I naturally disagreed, and did so the more readily that I +conscientiously disagree with him. I find that there is a tendency on +the part of some of these submarine officers, who have been U-boating a +long time, to get into narrow grooves. Most reserve officers are not +like this, as they have only been in during the war. Alten is an +exception; he left the Hamburg-Amerika on two years' half pay in 1912, +and was, of course, kept on in 1914. After all, the depot staff are +Germans, and as such labour for the Fatherland, and though their work +in office and workship is not so dangerous as ours, on the other hand +they have not got the stimulation before their eyes, of glory to be +gained. Personally I am of the opinion that the torpedo broke surface +because, being fired from the outside tubes, it probably started too +shallow, dived deep, recovered shallow and dived deep, broke surface +and dived very deep. A sticky motor or sluggish weight would give this +effect. + +And are these external tubes water-tight? Theoretically, yes, but what +of practice? We have been down to forty metres several times during +this trip, and not once have we had a chance on the surface of getting +at the two external tubes; add to which our depth gear, with the pivots +of the weight exposed to water if the tube does flood and then you have +rust, corrosion and heaven knows what complications. + +I saw a British Mark 11.50 torpedo at the torpedo shop at Bruges the +other day, and I was much struck with their deep depth gear, which is +of the unrestrained Uhlan type, i.e., weight and valve interdependent. +But then the main feature is that the whole gear is contained in a +separate water-tight chamber. + +Our system is certainly a great saving in space, and is much neater in +design, whilst I prefer the Uhlan principle of valve conjuncting with +weight, but it would be interesting to know whether the British have +much trouble with the depth-keeping of their torpedo. + +I have written quite a disquisition on depth gears; I must get on with +my record of events. + +After lunch we had a good look round, but the small airship was still +hanging about, flying slowly in large circles. + +We were rather surprised to meet one of these despicable little +sausages or "Zeppelin's Spawn," as the navigator calls them, so far +from land, and at dark we surfaced and proceeded on one engine on an +easterly course, charging the battery right up with the other engine. + +Dawn revealed a blank horizon, not a vestige of mast, funnel or smoke +in sight. + +We ambled along in fine though cold weather, and I took advantage of +the peacefulness of everything to do a really good series of Müller on +the upper deck, stripped to the waist, and allowed the keen air to play +its invigorating currents on my torso. + +Alten silently watched me from the conning tower, with a sneering +expression on his face. The navigator, who is quite a decent youngster, +though of no family, was, I could plainly see, struck by my +development, and asked to be initiated into the series of exercises. I +agreed willingly enough to show them to him. I will confess I wish Zoe +could have seen me as I perspired with healthy exercise. + +At about 11 a.m. a couple of masts, then two more, then another, +appeared above the horizon. The visibility was extreme, so we at once +dived and proceeded at full speed, ten metres. + +We had been going thus for perhaps half an hour when Alten remarked +that he would have another look at the convoy. We eased speed, came up +to six metres, and Alten proceeded up into the conning tower to use "A" +periscope. + +He had hardly applied his eye to the lens when he sharply ordered the +boat to ten metres, accompanying this order with another to the motor +room demanding utmost speed (_Ausserste Kraft_). I went up to the +conning tower and found him white with excitement. + +"Look!" he exclaimed, pointing to the periscope, entirely forgetful of +the fact that we were at ten metres. I looked, and of course saw +nothing; furious at the trick I considered he had played on me I turned +on him, to be disarmed by his apology. + +"Sorry! I forgot! The whole British battle cruiser force is there." + +It was now my turn to be excited, and I rushed down to the motor room +determined to give her every amp she would take. The port foremost +motor was sparking like the devil, rings of cursed sparks shooting +round the commutator, but this was no time for ceremony. I relentlessly +ordered the field current to be still further reduced. + +We were actually running with an F.C. of 3.75 amps, [1] for a period, +when the sparking assumed the appearance of a ring of fire and, fearing +a commutator strip would melt, I ordered an F.C. of five amps. + +[Footnote 1: The lower the field current the faster the motor goes. +3.75 is almost incredibly low for a motor of this type--at least +according to British practice.--ETIENNE.] + +We thus passed a quarter of an hour full of strain, the tension of +which was reflected in the attitude of all the men. Alten had announced +his intention of using the stern torpedo tube after his failure in the +morning, and the crew of this tube were crouched at their stations like +a gun's crew in the last few seconds preparatory to opening fire. The +switchboard attendants gripped the regulating rheostatts as if by their +personal efforts they could urge the boat on faster. Old Schmitt, at +the helm, never lifted his eyes from the compass repeater. + +At length: "Slow both!" "Bring her to six metres!" came from the +conning tower, to which place I proceeded to hear the news. + +Slowly the periscope was raised and I held my breath; a groan came from +Alten and he turned away. For a fraction of a second I was almost +pleased at his obvious pain, then, sick with disappointment, I took his +place. + +Yes! it was all over. There they were, and with hungry eyes and +depressed heart I saw five great battle cruisers, of which I recognized +the _Tiger_ with her three great funnels, the _Princess Royal_, _Lion_ +and two others, zigzagging along at 25 knots, at a distance of 12,000 +metres, across our bow. + +They were surrounded by a numerous screen of destroyers and light +cruisers, the former at that range through the periscope appearing as +black smudges. + +It is not often one is permitted such a spectacle in modern war, and I +could not tear myself away from the sight of those great brutes, whom I +had fought when in the _Derflingger_ at Dogger Bank and again when in +the _König_ at Jutland. So near and yet so far, and as they rapidly +drew away so did all the visions of an Iron Cross. As soon as they were +out of sight, we surfaced in order to report what we had seen to +Zeebrugge and Heligoland. + +Everything seemed against us. I had gone on the bridge with the +navigator; Alten, with a face as black as hell, had gone to the +wardroom. About ten minutes elapsed when I heard a fearful altercation +going on below. I stepped down to find the young wireless operator +trembling in front of Alten, who was overwhelming him with a flood of +abuse. As I reached the wardroom, Alten shook his fist in the man's +face and bellowed: + +"Make the d---- thing work, I tell you." + +"Impossible, Captain, the main condenser----" the man began. + +Purple with rage, Alten seized a heavy pair of parallel rulers, and +before I could check him hurled them full in the operator's face. +Bleeding copiously, the youth fell to the deck in a stunned condition. + +It was then, for the first time, that I noticed a half-empty bottle of +spirits on the table, which colossal quantity he must have consumed in +about a quarter of an hour. + +Turning to me, this semi-madman pointed to the wireless operator with +his foot and growled: + +"Have him removed." + +This I did, and then, lowering the periscope, I ordered the boat to +fifteen metres. We proceeded at this depth until 8 p.m., when I was +informed that the Captain was in his bunk and wished to see me. + +I discovered him with his face to the ship's side, and upon my +reporting myself he ordered me, firstly to throw that blasted bottle +overboard (an unnecessary proceeding, as it was empty), and secondly to +surface and shape course for Zeebrugge. + +At midnight he relieved me, apparently perfectly normal. + +The wireless operator has been laid up all day and has a nasty cut on +the head. The navigator, a great scandal-monger, has heard from the +engineer that Alten was speaking to him alone this morning, and the +engineer believes that Alten has given him five hundred marks to say he +fell down a hatch. + +Hooray! Blankenberg buoy has just been reported in sight! Soon I shall +see my Zoe! + + * * * * * + +With what high hopes did I write the last few lines a few hours ago, +and how they were dashed to the ground, for on going into the Mess at +Bruges I found amongst my letters a note from her, which was terrible +in its brevity. She simply said: + + +"DEAR KARL, + +"I am going away for some days, and as I shall be travelling it is no +good giving you an address. To our next meeting! + +"ZOE." + + +How horribly vague; not an indication of her destination, her object, +or the probable length of her absence. Of course I rushed round to the +flat, but found the place shut up. The porter told me she had gone away +with her maid. He couldn't say when she'd be back--if at all! I gave +him ten marks, and he said she might be away a fortnight. If I'd given +him twenty he'd have said a week; he obviously didn't know. + +I feel I could do anything to-night; any mad, evil thing would appeal +to me. + +There is a most fearful uproar coming from the guest-room, where a +large and rowdy party are entertaining the chorus of a travelling +_revue_ company. I saw them when they arrived, horribly common-looking +women, with legs like mine tubes. + + * * * * * + +Another day and still no news; I don't know how I shall stick it. She +might have had the softness of heart to write to me. She knows my +address. + +This evening a letter from the little mother, who asks whether I can +find time to go to Frankfurt when I have leave; at the end of the +letter she mentions that Rosa has joined the Women's Voluntary +Auxiliary Corps of Army Nurses. I suppose she thought she'd like her +photograph taken in some fancy uniform as "Rosa Freinland, one of our +Frankfurt beauties, now on war work!" Holding the patient's hand is +about the only work she intends doing. + +Women as a class are the same the world over. We are well supplied with +English papers in the Mess here; they come regularly from Amsterdam, +and in their pages I see, just as in ours, pictures of the Countess +this and the Lord that, photographed in becoming attitudes doing war +work. It seems agricultural pursuits are the fashion in England at +present--wait till our U-boat war gets its knife well into their fat +guts, it will be more than fashionable to work in the fields then. + +The British Empire is undeniably a great creation, or rather not so +much a creation as a thing arrived at accidentally, but it lacks +solidarity. It sprawls, a confused mass of races and creeds, around the +world. Its very immensity lays it open to attack, it has a dozen +Achilles heels from Ireland to Egypt and South Africa to India. + +I met a man only yesterday who was recently at the propaganda +department of the Foreign Office, and without going into details he +gave me a very good idea of the good work that is going on in Britain's +canker spots. + +Ireland is considered particularly promising to those in the know. + +Now for an agitated night! To think that a girl should disturb me so! + + * * * * * + +Two days have passed, or, rather, dragged their interminable lengths +away, for there is still not a vestige of news. I have been twice to +the flat with no result, except to receive a piece of impertinence from +the porter the last time I was there. + +No news. + + * * * * * + +Still no news, and we sail in forty-eight hours. + + + + +_At sea, off the Isle of Wight_. + + +It is some days since I turned for solace and enjoyment, amidst the +discomforts of this life, to my pen and notebook. + +What strange tricks fate plays with us, and how lucky it is that one +cannot foresee the future. + +Here I am in U.39--but I must start at the beginning. My last entry was +the depressing one of still no news. Well, I have had news, but it was +like a drop of water in the mouth of a parched-up man. Another +agonizing twenty-four hours passed, and I was sitting in my room about +ten o'clock, trying to resign myself to the idea that the next night I +should be starting out for my third trip without news of her, when the +telephone bell rang. I lifted the receiver and to my amazed joy heard a +voice that I could have recognized in a thousand. It was Zoe! + +I was quite incapable of any remark, and my confusion was further +increased when, after a few "Hello's," which I idiotically repeated, +her clear, level tones said: "Is that you, Karl? How are you?" How was +I? What a question to ask! I wanted to tell her that I was bubbling +with joy, that a thousand-kilogramme load had been lifted from my +chest, that my blood was coursing through my veins, that I, usually so +cool, was trembling with excitement, that I could have kissed the +mouthpiece of the humble instrument that linked us together. Yet I was +quite incapable of answering her simple question! I can't imagine what +I expected her to say, for upon reflection her remark was a very +ordinary one, and indeed under the circumstances quite natural, but, as +I say, in actual fact I was tongue-tied. + +I suppose I must have said something, for I next remember her saying: +"Well, you might ask how I am;" and to my horror I realized that she +thought I was being rude! + +My abject apologies were cut short by her tantalizing laugh, and I +understood that the adorable one was teasing me. When at length I made +myself believe that I really was talking to this most elusive and +delightful woman I wasted no time in suggesting that, late though it +was, I might be permitted to go round and see her. She would not permit +this, as she said it would create grave scandal, and the Colonel might +hear about it upon his return. I pleaded hard and urged my departure in +twenty-four hours. + +She was firm and reproved me for discussing movements over the +telephone. She was right; I was a fool to do so; but Zoe destroys all +my caution. However, she said that I might lunch with her next day, and +that she had some new music to play to me. I ventured to ask where she +had been, but this question was plainly unpleasing to my lady, so I +dropped the subject. I blew her a goodnight kiss over the telephone, to +which I think I caught an answer, and then she rang off. + +Ten minutes had not elapsed, when a messenger entered and informed me +that I was wanted at the Commodore's office at once. + +A strange feeling of uneasiness and that of impending misfortune +overcame me. I felt like a naughty school-boy about to interview the +headmaster. + +I followed the messenger into the Commodore's office, and found myself +alone with the great man. He was seated at a huge roll-top desk, which +was the only article of furniture in a room which was to all intents +and purposes papered with large scale charts of the east and south +coasts of England and of the Channel and North Sea. + +The Commodore was sealing an envelope as I came in; he looked up and +saw me, then, without taking any further notice of me, he resumed his +business with the envelope. I felt that I was in the presence of a +personality, and I was, for "Old Man Max" is one of the ten men who +count in the Naval Administration. He had a reading lamp on his desk, +and I remember noticing that the light shining through its green shade +imparted a yellow parchment-like effect to the top of his old bald +head. With dainty care he finished sealing the envelope, then, picking +up a telephone transmitter, he snapped "Admiralty!" In about a minute +he was connected, and to my astonishment I realized that he was talking +to the duty captain of the operations department in Berlin. + +His words chilled my heart, for he said: "Commodore speaking! U.39 +sails at 2 a.m. for operation F.Q.H.--Repeat." + +His words were apparently repeated to his satisfaction, for while I was +vainly endeavouring to convince myself that I was unconnected with the +sailing of U.39, he banged the receiver into place (Old Man Max does +everything in bangs) and snapped at me. + +"You Lieutenant Von Schenk?" + +I admitted I was, and then heard this disgusting news. + +"Kranz, 1st Lieutenant U.39, reported suddenly ill, Zeebrugge, +poisoning--you relieve him. Ship sails in one hour forty minutes from +now--my car leaves here in forty minutes and takes you to Zeebrugge. +Here are operation orders--inform Von Weissman he acknowledges receipt +direct to me on 'phone. That's all." + +He handed me the envelope and I suppose I walked outside--at least I +found myself in the corridor turning the confounded envelope round and +round. For one mad moment I felt like rushing in and saying: "But, sir, +you don't understand I'm lunching with Zoe to-morrow!" + +Then the mental picture which this idea conjured up made me shake with +suppressed laughter and I remembered that war was war and that I had +only thirty-five minutes in which to collect such gear as I had +handy--most of my sea things being in U.C.47--and say goodbye to Zoe. + +I ran to my room and made the corridors echo with shouts for my +faithful Adolf. The excellent man was soon on the scene, and whilst he +stuffed underclothing, towels and other necessary gear into a bag he +had purloined from someone's room, I rang up Zoe. I wasted ten minutes +getting through, but at last I heard a deliciously sleepy voice murmur, +"Who's that?" + +I told her, and added that I was off; to my secret joy, an intensely +disappointed and long-drawn "Oooh!" came over the wire. So she does +care a bit, I thought. Mad ideas of pretending to be suddenly ill +crossed my mind--anything to gain twenty-four hours--but the Fatherland +is above all such considerations, and after some pleasant talk and many +wishes of good luck from the darling girl, with a heavy heart I bade +her good-night. + +The Old Man's car, which is a sixty horse-power Benz, was waiting at +the Mess entrance, and once clear of the sentries we raced down the +flat, well-metalled road to Zeebrugge in a very short time. The guard +at Bruges barrier had 'phoned us through to the Zeebrugge fortified +zone, and we were admitted without delay. In three-quarters of an hour +from my interview with old Max I was scrambling across a row of U-boats +to reach my new ship, U.39. + +I went down the after hatch, reported myself to Von Weissman and +delivered his orders to him, of which he acknowledged receipt direct to +the Commodore according to instructions. Von Weissman is a very +different stamp of man to Alten; of medium height, he has +sandy-coloured hair, steel-grey eyes and a protruding jaw. He is what +he looks, a fine North Prussian, and is, of course, of excellent +family, as the Weissmans have been settled in Grinetz for a long +period. + +He struck me as being about thirty years of age, and on his heart he +wore the Cross of the second class. I have heard of him before as being +well in the running towards an _ordre pour le mérite_. + +An interesting chart is hanging in the wardroom, on which is marked the +last resting-place of every ship he has sunk. He puts a coloured dot, +the tint of which varies with the tonnage, black up to 2,000, blue from +2,000-5,000, brown 5,000-8,000, green 8,000-11,000, and a red spot with +the ship's name for anything over 11,000. He has got about 120,000 tons +at present. He opposes the Arnauld de la Perrière school of thought, +which pins faith on the gun, and Weissman has done nearly all his work +with the good old torpedo. + +Altogether, undoubtedly a man to serve with. + +The U.39 was in that buzzing and semi-active condition which to a +trained eye is a sure indication that the ship is about to sail. +Punctually at five minutes to 2 a.m. Weissman went to the bridge, and +at 2 a.m. the wires were slipped and we started on a ten days' trip. As +the dim lights on the mole disappeared and the ceaseless fountain of +star-shells, mingling with the flashing of guns, rose inland on our +port beam my mind travelled overland to the flat at Bruges, and I +wondered whether Zoe was lying awake listening to the ceaseless rumble +of the Flanders cannon. We went on at full speed, as it was our +intention to pass the Dover Straits before dawn. Though our +intelligence bureau issues the most alarming reports as to the +frightfulness of the defences here I was agreeably surprised at the +ease with which we passed. Von Weissman, to whom I had hinted that we +might find the passage tricky, rather laughed at my suggestion, and +described to me his method, which, at all events, has the merit of +simplicity. + +He always goes through with the tide, so as to take as short a time as +possible, and he always decides on a course and steers it as closely as +possible, keeping to the surface unless he sights anything, and diving +as soon as anything shows up. Even if he dives he goes on as fast as +possible on his course, irrespective of whether he is being bombed or +not. + +I must say it worked very well last night. We shaped a course to pass +five miles west of Gris Nez, and when that light, which for some reason +the French had commodiously lit that night, was abeam, we sighted a +black object, probably a trawler or destroyer, about half a dozen miles +away right ahead. Weissman immediately dived and, without deviating a +degree from his course, held on at three-quarters speed on the motors. +Some time later the hydrophone watchkeeper reported the sound of +propellers in his listeners, and that he judged them to be close at +hand, so I imagine we passed very nearly directly underneath whatever +it was. + +After an hour's submerging we rose, and found dawn breaking over a +leaden and choppy sea. Nothing being in sight, we continued on the +surface for an hour, charging batteries with the starboard engine (500 +amps on each), but at 9 a.m., the clouds lying low and an aerial patrol +being frequent hereabouts, we dived and cruised steadily down channel +at slow speed, keeping periscope depth. + +Several times in the course of the forenoon we sighted small destroyers +and convoy craft [1] in the distance, all steering westerly. They were +probably returning from escorting troopships over to France last night. +In every case we went to sixty feet long before they could have seen +our "stick." [2] Weissman is evidently as cautious in this matter as he +is hardy in others; the more I see of him the more I like him; he is a +man of breeding, and it is of value to serve in this boat. + +[Footnote 1: Probably "P" boats.--ETIENNE.] + +[Footnote 2: Periscope.--ETIENNE.] + +As I write we are on the surface about ten miles east of the Isle of +Wight, still steering down channel. To-night at midnight we report our +position to Zeebrugge, up till now we have maintained wireless silence +for fear of the British and French directional stations picking up our +signals and fixing our position. + +After supper this evening Von Weissman explained to me the general plan +of our operations for the next eight days. Our cruising billet is about +150 miles south-west of the Scillys, at the focal point where trade for +Liverpool and Bristol and the up-channel trade diverges. Von Weissman +says that this is a plum billet and we should do well. + +I feel this is going to be better than those piffling little +mine-laying trips, and though we shall be away ten days, it will +qualify me for four days' leave in Belgium. + + * * * * * + +There was nearly an awkward moment last night, or, rather, there was an +awkward moment, and nearly an awkward accident. I relieved the +navigator at midnight (the pilot is an unassuming individual called +Siegel) and took on the middle watch. It was blowing about force 4 from +the south-west, and a nasty short, lumpy sea was running which caught +us just on the port bow. About once every ten seconds she missed her +step with the waves and, dipping her nose into it, shovelled up tons of +water, which, as the bow lifted, raced aft and, breaking against the +gun, flung itself in clouds of spray against the bridge. In a very few +minutes every exposed portion of me was streaming with water. + +At about 2 a.m. I had turned my back to the sea for a moment, and my +thoughts were for an instant in Bruges, when, on facing forward once +again I saw a sight which effectually brought me back to earth. + +This was the spectacle of two black shapes, evidently steamers, one on +either bow, distant, I should estimate, 600 or 700 metres. I had to +make a quick decision, and I decided that to fire a torpedo in that sea +with any hope of a hit, especially with the boat on surface, was +useless; furthermore, that at any moment either of the steamers might +sight us from their high bridge and turn and ram. + +These thoughts were the work of an instant, and I at once rang the +diving bell, and, pushing the look-out before me, in five seconds I was +in the conning tower and had the hatch down. I at once proceeded down +into the boat, and the first thing that struck my eye was the diving +gauge with the needle practically stationary at two metres. + +The boat was not going down properly! and for an instant I was rudely +shaken, until a cool voice from the wardroom remarked, "Helm hard +a-port," an order that was instantly obeyed, and as she began to turn +the moving needle on the depth gauge began its journey round the dial. +It was the Captain who had spoken. As soon as he heard the diving alarm +he was out of his bunk, and a glance at the gauge he has fitted in the +wardroom told him we were not sinking rapidly. In an instant he had put +his finger on the trouble, which was that we were almost head on to the +sea, with the result that he had given the order as stated above, +which, bringing us beam on to the sea, had caused her to dive with +ease. He is efficiency itself! + +As I explained to him what had happened, the noise of propellers at +varying distances from us overhead led him to state his belief that we +had run into a convoy homeward bound to Southampton from the Atlantic. + +He approved of my actions in every particular, save only in my omission +to bring the boat away from the sea as I began to dive. + +This morning we are beginning to get the full force of what is +evidently going to be a south-westerly gale of some violence. The seas +are getting larger as we debouch into the Atlantic. This looks bad for +business. + + * * * * * + +At the moment we are practically hove to on the surface, with the port +engine just jogging to keep her head on to sea and the starboard +ticking round to give her a long, slow charge of 200 amps. + +The wind is force 7-8 and a very big sea is running which makes it +entirely impossible to open the conning tower hatch; the engine is +getting its air through the special mushroom ventilator, which is +apparently not designed to supply both the boat's requirements and +those of the engine; the whole ventilator gets covered with sea every +now and then, during which period until the baffle drains get the water +away no air can get in, so the engine has a good suck at the air in the +boat, the result of all this being a slight vacuum in the boat. It is a +very unpleasant sensation, and made me very sick. This is really a form +of sickness due to the rarefied air. + +I had a great surprise when I looked at the barograph this morning as +the needle had gone right off the paper at the bottom, and at first +glance I thought we had struck a tropical depression of the first +magnitude, which, flouting all the laws of meteorology, had somehow +found its way to the English Channel; but the engineer explained to me +that, as I have already stated, the low atmospheric pressure in the +boat was due to the conning-tower hatch being shut down. + +[Illustration: "As the dim lights on the mole disappeared, the +ceaseless fountain of starshells mingling with the flashing of guns, +rose inland on our port beam."] + +[Illustration: "We hit her aft for the second time."] + +I have discovered that Von Weissman is a martyr to sea-sickness--all +day he has been lying down as white as a sheet and subsisting on milk +tablets and sips of brandy; yet such is the man's inflexibility of will +that he forces himself to make a tour of inspection right round the +boat every six hours, night and day. It is this will to conquer which +has made Germans unconquerable, though "Come the four corners of the +world in arms" against us, as the great poet says. + +We are, of course, keeping watch from inside the conning tower; it is, +at all events, dry, but as to seeing anything one might as well be +looking out through a small glass window from inside a breakwater! To +bed till 4 a.m. + + * * * * * + +A most unprofitable day. I grudge every day away from Zoe on which we +do nothing. This morning about noon the gale blew itself out, but a +heavy confused sea continued to run. + +At 2 p.m. we saw a most tantalizing spectacle. A big tank steamer, +fully 600 feet long and of probably 17,000 tons burthen hove in sight, +escorted by two destroyers. To attack with the gun was impossible, as +we could only keep the conning tower open when stern to sea, and in any +case the two destroyers prevented any surface work. We tried to get in +for an attack, but we had not seen her in time, and the best we could +do was to get within 3,000 yards, at which range it would have been +absurd to have wasted a torpedo, the chances of hitting being 100 to 1 +against, even if the torpedo had run properly in the sea that was on. + +I had a good look at her through the foremost periscope in between the +waves, and it maddened me to see all that oil, doubtless from Tampico +for the Grand Fleet, going safely by. The destroyers were having a bad +time of it, crashing into the sea like porpoises, their funnels white +with salt, and their bridges enveloped in sheets of water and spray. +They little thought that, barely a mile away, amidst the tumbling, +crested waves a German eye was watching them! + +There is no doubt these damned British have pluck, for it was the last +sort of weather in which one would have expected to find destroyers at +sea, and yet I suppose they do this throughout the winter. + +After all, one would expect them to be tough fellows--they are of +Teutonic stock--though by their bearing one might imagine that the +Creator made an Englishman and then Adam. + +Let's hope we get some decent weather to-morrow. I have just been +refreshing my memory by reading of what I wrote in the book, concerning +the day in the forest with the adorable girl. There is an exquisite +pleasure in transporting the mind into such memories of the past when +the body is in such surroundings as the present, if only I could will +myself to dream of her! + + * * * * * + +A fine day in every sense of the word. The weather has been and remains +excellent, and I have been present at my first sinking. It was absurdly +commonplace. At 10 a.m. this morning a column of smoke crept upwards +from the southern horizon. + +Von Weissman steered towards it on the surface until two masts and the +top of a funnel appeared. We dived and proceeded slowly under water on +a southerly course. + +Half an hour passed and Von Weissman brought the boat up to periscope +depth and had a look. He called to me to come and see, an invitation I +accepted with alacrity. + +With natural excitement I looked through the periscope and there she +was, unconsciously ambling to her doom like a fat sheep. + +She was a steamer (British) of about 4,000 tons, slugging home at a +steady ten knots, but she was destined to come to her last mooring +place ahead of schedule time! + +We dipped our periscope and I went forward to the tubes. Five minutes +elapsed and the order instrument bell rang, the pointer flicking to +"Stand by." I personally removed the firing gear safety pin and put the +repeat to "Ready." A breathless pause, then a slight shake and +destruction was on its way, whilst I realized by the angle of the boat +that Weissman was taking us down a few metres. + +That shows his coolness, he didn't even trouble to watch his shot. + +Anxiously I watch the second hand of my stop watch. Weissman had told +me the range would be about 500 metres--30 seconds--31--32--33--has he +missed?--34--35--3--A dull rumble comes through the water and the +whole boat shakes. Hurra! we have hit, and the order "Surface" comes +along the voice pipe. + +The cheerful voice of the blower is heard, evacuating the tanks; I run +to the conning tower and closely follow Weissman up the ladder. At last +I am on the bridge. There she is! What a sight! + +I feel that I shall never forget what she looked like, though, if all +goes well, I shall see many another fine ship go to her grave. + +But she was my first; I felt the same sensation when, as a boy, I shot +my first roe-deer in the Black Forest, one instant a living thing +beautiful to perfection, the next my rifle spoke and a bleeding carcase +lay beneath the fine trees. So with this ship. I am a sailor, and to +every sailor every ship that floats has, as it were, a soul, a +personality, an entity; to carry the analogy further, a merchant craft +is like some fat beast of utility, an ox, a cow, or a sheep, whilst a +warship is a lion if she is a battleship, a leopard if she is a light +cruiser, etc.; in all cases worthy game. + +But War has little use for sentimentality! and in my usual wandering +manner I see that I have meandered from the point and quite forgotten +what she did look like. + +What I saw was this: + +I saw that the steamer had been hit forward on the starboard side. The +upper portion of the stem piece was almost down to the water level, her +foremost hold was obviously filling rapidly. Her stern was high out of +water, the red ensign of England flapping impotently on the ensign +staff. Her propeller, which was still slowly revolving, thrashed the +water, and this heightened the impression that I was watching the +struggles of a dying animal. The propeller was revolving in spasmodic +jerks, due, I imagine, to the fast failing steam only forcing the +cranks over their dead centres with an effort. + +A boat was being lowered with haste from the two davits abreast the +funnel on one side, but when she was full of men and, due to the angle +of the ship, well down by the bow, someone inboard let go the foremost +fall or else it broke, for the bows of the boat fell downwards and half +a dozen figures were projected in grotesque attitudes into the sea. For +a few seconds the boat swung backwards and forwards, like a pendulum. + +When she came to rest, hanging vertically downwards from the stern, I +noticed that a few men were still clinging like flies to her thwarts. +Truly, anything is better than the Atlantic in winter. Meanwhile the +ship had ceased to sink as far as outward signs went. + +I mentioned this to Von Weissman, who was at my side with a slight +smile on his face, amused doubtless at the eagerness with which I +watched every detail of this, to me, novel tragedy. He answered me that +I need not worry, that she was being supported by an air lock somewhere +forward, that the water was slowly creeping into her and her boilers +would probably soon go. + +This remarkable man was absolutely correct. + +There was an interval of about five minutes, during which another boat, +evidently successfully lowered from the other side, came round her +stern, picked up one or two men from the water and also collected the +survivors in the hanging boat; then the steamer suddenly sank another +two feet, there was a dull rumbling, as of heavy machinery falling from +a height, a muffled report, a cloud of steam and smoke, a sucking noise +and then a pool in the water, in the middle of which odd bits of wood +and other buoyant debris kept on bobbing up. Nothing else! + +No! I am wrong, there were two other things: a U-boat, representing the +might of Germany, and a whaler with perhaps twenty men in it, +representing the plight of England! + +As she went I felt hushed and solemn, it was an impressive moment; a +slight chuckle came from imperturbable Weissman; he had seen too many +go to think much of it, and he gave an order for the helm to be put +over, so that we might approach the whaler. + +They were horribly overcrowded, and were engaged in trying to sort +themselves into some sort of order. We passed by them at 50 yards and +Weissman, seizing his megaphone, shouted in English: "Goodbye! steer +west for America!" A cold horror gripped my heart. It was an awful +moment. I dare not write the thoughts that entered my head. + +I turned away my head and faced aft, that he should not see my face; +looking back I saw the whaler rocking dangerously in our wash, and then +a commotion took place in her stern, from which a huge bearded man +arose and, shaking his fist in our direction, shouted something or +other before his companions pulled him down. + +Von Weissman heard and his lips narrowed in. I held my breath in +suspense, but he evidently decided against what he had been about to +do, for with the order, "Course north! ten knots," he went below. + +I remained on deck watching the rapidly receding whaler through my +glasses until she was a mere speck--alone on the ocean, 150 miles from +land, Then the navigator came up, and with strangely mixed feelings of +exultant joy and depressing sorrow I went below. + +Von Weissman was in the wardroom. I watched him unobserved. He was +humming a tune to himself and had just completed putting a green dot on +the chart. This done he lay back on the settee and closed his +eyes--strange, insoluble man! + +For long hours I could not forget that whaler; I see it now as I write. +I suppose I shall get used to it all. What would Zoe say? + +The most wonderful thing about man is that he can stand the strain of +his own invention of modern war! + + * * * * * + +I am rather tired to-night, but must just jot down briefly what has +taken place to-day, as there is never any time in the daylight hours. + +Soon after dawn, at about 8 a.m., we sighted a fair-sized steamer of +about 3,000 tons, which we sunk, but I cannot say what she looked like, +or whether anyone escaped, as we never came to the surface at all, Von +Weissman sighting smoke on the western horizon just as he hit her. We +accordingly steered in that direction. However, I think she went almost +at once as Von Weissman put a dot (black) on the chart as we made +towards number 3. + +I very much wanted to know whether there were any survivors, but I did +not like to ask him at the time and he has been in such an infernal +temper ever since that I haven't had a suitable opportunity. + +The cause of his rage was as follows: + +Steamer number 3 turned out to be a fine fat chap (of the Clan Line, +Von Weissman said, when we first sighted her). We moved in to attack +and fired our port bow tube. I waited in vain by the tubes for the +expected explosion--nothing happened, but after a couple of minutes a +snarl came down the voice pipe: "Surface, GUN ACTION STATIONS!" + +I ran aft, and found the Captain white with rage. + +"Missed ahead!" he said, with intense feeling, "I'll have to use that +confounded gun." + +In about three minutes the Captain and myself were on the bridge and +the crew were at their stations round the gun. + +For the first time I saw the ship; she was stern on and apparently +painted with black and white stripes. As I examined her through +glasses--she was distant about 3,000 yards--I saw a flash aboard her +and a few seconds later a projectile moaned overhead and fell about +6,000 yards over. So she is armed, thought I, and she has actually +opened fire on us first. + +The effect of this unexpected retort on the part of the Englishman was +to throw Weissman into a paroxysm of rage. + +"Why don't you fire? What the devil are you waiting for?" etc., etc., +were some of the remarks he flung at the gun crew. + +I did not consider it advisable to mention to him that they were +probably waiting his order to fire, and also his orders for range and +deflection, as I had imagined that, here as everywhere else, an officer +controls the gun-fire. Apparently in this boat it is not so, as +Weissman takes so little interest in his gun that he affects to be, or +else actually is, ignorant of the elements of gun control. + +At any rate, under the lash of his tongue, the gun's crew soon got into +action, the gun-layer taking charge. Our first shot was short, very +considerably so, as was also the second. Meanwhile the steamer had been +keeping up a very creditably controlled rate of fire, straddling us +twice, but missing for deflection, as was natural considering that we +were bows on to her. + +I felt thoroughly in my element listening to the significant wail of +the enemy's shell, punctuated by the ear-splitting report of our own +gun. Weissman, gripping the rail with both hands, and to my surprise +ducking when one went overhead, watched the target with a fixed +expression, but made no attempt to control our gun-fire, which was far +from creditable, as is inevitable when it is left to the mercy of the +inferior intellect of a seaman. + +However, at the tenth or eleventh round we hit her in the upper works, +as was shown by a bright red and yellow flash near her funnel. This did +not check her firing or speed in the least, in fact she seemed to be +gaining on us. She also began to zigzag slightly and throw smoke bombs +overboard, which were not so effective from her point of view as I had +thought they would be. + +Matters were thus for some minutes. We had just hit her aft for the +second time, though the shooting was so disgustingly bad that I was +about to ask whether I might do the duties of control officer, when +there was a blinding flash and the air seemed filled with moaning +fragments. When I had recovered from my relief from finding that I was +personally uninjured, I observed that two of the gun's crew were +wounded and one was lying, either killed or seriously wounded, on the +casing. We had been hit in the casing, well forward, and, as was +subsequently proved when we dived, little material damage was caused to +the boat. + +This enemy success caused a temporary cessation of fire. The two +wounded men were cautiously making their way aft to the conning tower, +and I called for a couple of stokers to come up and carry away the +third, when Von Weissman suddenly gave the order to dive. The gun's +crew at once made a rush for the conning tower, and were down the hatch +in a trice, one of the wounded men fainting at the bottom. + +I was unaware as to the reason of this order to dive, and thought that +perhaps the Captain had sighted a periscope. As I was turning to +precede him down the conning tower hatch I distinctly saw the man lying +by the gun lift his hand. I felt I could not leave him there, and +instinctively cried, "He is still alive!" But Von Weissman, who was +urging the crew to hurry down the hatch, pressed the diving alarm as +soon as the last sailor was half in the hatch. + +I knew that this meant that the boat would be under in 30 to 40 +seconds, so I had no alternative but to get down the hatch as quickly +as possible. + +I did so with reluctance, and I was followed by Von Weissman, who +joined me in the upper conning tower. + +I forced myself not to look out of the conning tower scuttles during +the few seconds that elapsed as the casing slowly went under, until at +last nothing but waving green water showed at each little window. I +feared that, if I had looked, I would have seen a wounded man, stung +into activity by the cold touch of the Atlantic. Perhaps Von Weissman +read my thoughts, or else he remembered my remark concerning the man, +for he turned to me and in level tones said: + +"Have you any doubt that he was dead?" + +I hesitated a moment, and he continued: + +"By my direction you have no doubt. He _was_!" + +How brutal war is, and what a perfect exponent of the art the Captain +proves himself to be! To me a life is a life, a particle of the thing +divine; to him a life is a unit, and a half-maimed and probably dying +seaman is as nothing in the scales when the safety of a U-boat is at +stake. The seamen are numbered in their tens of thousands, the U-boats +in their tens. The steamer had hit us once, luckily only in the casing, +a second hit might well have punctured the pressure hull, and our fate +in these waters would have been certain. Therefore, having summed these +things up and balanced them in his mind, he dived and the sailor died. + +Once below water Von Weissman seemed more his imperturbable self, and +unless I am mistaken he is never really happy on the surface, at least +when in action. He is a true water mole. + + * * * * * + +A day full of interest, though once again I have had to force myself to +absorb the horrors of War. I imagine that I am now going through the +experiences of a new arrival on the Western Front, who feels a desire +to shudder at the sight of every corpse. + +At 10 a.m. this morning we sighted the topsails of a sailing boat to +the southwest. Closing her on the surface, we approached to within +about 6,000 metres, when suddenly Von Weissman ordered "Gun Action +Stations." + +The gun crew came tumbling up, but not quick enough to suit him, for as +they were mustering at the gun he gave the order to dive, only, +however, taking her down to periscope depth before instantly ordering +surface and then "Gun Action Stations" again. This time we opened fire +on the ship, which was a Norwegian barque and, being in the barred +zone, liable to destruction. + +Von Weissman had announced overnight that at the first opportunity he +would give "that ----- gun's crew a bellyful of practice," and he +certainly did. As soon as the first shot was fired, she backed her +topsails, and when our fourth shot struck her, somewhere near the foot +of the foremast, her crew could be seen hastily abandoning their ship. + +This action on their part had no influence with Von Weissman, who had +taken personal charge of the helm, and, with the engines running at +three-quarter speed, he was zigzagging about, to make it harder for the +gun's crew. Every now and then he flung a gibe at the crew, such as +suggesting that they should go back to the High Seas Fleet and learn +how to shoot. + +The sailing ship was soon on fire, for, considering the circumstances, +the shooting was very fair, though had I been controlling it I could +have confidently guaranteed better results. When she was blazing nicely +fore and aft, Von Weissman ordered the practice to cease, and sent the +crew below. He then ordered course south, speed ten knots, and I took +over the watch. + +An hour and a half later, when the navigator gave me a spell, a black +cloud on the northern horizon marked the funeral pyre of another of our +victims. When I went below, the Captain had just finished playing with +his precious old chart. + + * * * * * + +We received a message at 2 a.m. last night from Heligoland to return +forthwith; it is now 2 a.m. and we are approaching the redoubtable +Dover Barrage. We had no trouble coming up channel to-day, which seems +singularly empty, at any rate in mid-channel, where we were. + + * * * * * + +We got back about three hours ago, and as I was appointed temporary to +the boat, Von Weissman kindly allowed me to leave her and come up to +Bruges as soon as we got into the shelters at Zeebrugge. + +I got up here just, in time for a late dinner. Hunger satisfied, I +retired to my room and, needless to say, at once rang up my darling +Zoe. + +By the mercy of providence she was in, but imagine my sensations when I +heard that that accursed swine of a Colonel was also back from the +front, and expected in at the flat at any moment, being then, she +thought, engaged in his after dinner drinking bouts at the cavalry +officers' club. I could only groan. + +A laugh at the other end stung me to furious rage, appeased in an +instant by her soothing tones as she told me that I should be glad to +hear that he was only up from the Somme on a four-days leave, and was +returning next morning by the 8 a.m. troop train. Glad! I could have +danced for joy. I breathed again. + +As the Colonel was expected back at any moment she thought it advisable +to terminate the conversation, which was done with obvious reluctance +on her part, or so I flatter myself. + +He goes to-morrow, so far so good, but what of the intervening period? + +Could any more refined torture be imagined than that I, who love her as +I love my own soul, should have to sit here, whilst scarcely a mile +away, probably at this very moment as I write, that gross brute is +privileged to kiss her, to look at her, to--oh! it's unbearable. When I +think of that hog, for though I've never seen him, I've seen his +photograph, and I know instinctively that he _is_ gross, fresh, as she +says, from a drinking bout, should at this moment be permitted to raise +his pigs' eyes and look into those glorious wells of violet light; when +I think that his is the privilege to see those masses of black hair +fall in uncontrolled splendour, then I understand to the full the deep +pleasures of murder. + +I would give anything to destroy this man, and could shake the +Englishman by the hand who fires the delivering bullet! + +Steady! Steady! What do I write? No! I mean it, every word of it. Yet +of all the mysteries, and to me Zoe is a mass of them, surely the +strangest of all is contained in the question: Why does she live with +him? + +She doesn't love him, she's practically told me so. In fact, I know she +doesn't. Let me reason it out by logic. She lives with him, whether +voluntarily or involuntarily. Suppose it be voluntarily, then her +reasons must be (a) Love; (b) Fascination; (c) Some secret reason. If +she is living with him involuntarily it must be: (d) He has a hold on +her; (e) For financial reasons. + +I strike out at once (a) and (e), for in the case of (e) she knows well +that I would provide for her, and (a) I refuse to admit, (b) is hardly +credible--I eliminate that. I am left with (c) and (d) which might be +the same thing. But what hold can he have on her; she can't have a +past, she is too young and sweet for that. + +I must find out about this before I go to sea again. + + * * * * * + +Three days ago, I was racking my brains for the solution of a problem, +and, as I see from what I wrote, I was somewhat outside myself. In the +interval things have taken an amazing turn. I am still bewildered--but +I must put it all down from the beginning. + +The Colonel left as she said he would, and I went round to lunch with +her. + +We had a delightful _tête-à-tête_, and after lunch she played the +piano. I was feeling in splendid voice and she accompanied me to +perfection in Tchaikowsky's "To the Forest," always a favourite of +mine. As the last chords died away, Zoe jumped up from the piano and, +with eyes dancing with excitement, placed her hands on my shoulders and +exclaimed: + +"Karl! I have an idea! I shall make a prisoner of you for two or three +days." + +I laughed heartily and almost told her that she had already made me a +prisoner for life, only I can never get those sort of remarks out quick +enough. + +But when she said, "No! I am not joking, I mean it," I felt there was +more meaning in her sentence than I had at first thought. I begged to +be enlightened, and she then unfolded her scheme. + +She told me for the first time, that in a forest not far from Bruges +she had a little summer-house, to which she used to retreat for +week-ends in the hot weather when the Colonel was away. He knew nothing +of this country house (she was very insistent on that point), so I +imagined she paid for it out of her dress allowance or in some other +way. The idea that had just struck her was that she had a sudden fancy +to go and spend two days there, and I was to go with her. + +I was ready to go to Africa with her if my leave permitted, and it so +happened that I was due for four days' overseas leave (limited to +Belgian territory) so that this fitted in very well, and I told her so. + +She was delighted, then, with one of those quick intuitions which women +are so clever at, she read the half-formed thought in my mind, and +said: "You mustn't think it's not going to be conventional; old Babette +will be with us to chaperon me." Old Babette is an aged female whom she +calls her maid. I think she is jealous of me. + +I agreed at once that of course I quite understood it was to be highly +conventional, etc., though I smiled to myself as I visualized my +mother's shocked face and uplifted hands had she heard my Zoe's ideas +on the conventions. + +I was trying to fathom what was at the bottom of it all when she +remarked: "Of course, as my prisoner you will have to obey all my +orders." + +I replied that this was certainly so. + +"And one of the first things," she continued, "that happens to a +prisoner when he goes through the enemy lines is that he is +blindfolded, and in the same way I shan't let you know where you are +going." + +Seeing a doubtful look in my eyes as I endeavoured to keep pace with +the underlying idea, if any, of this truly feminine fancy, she suddenly +came up to me and, lifting her eyes to mine, murmured: "Don't you trust +me?" + +In a moment my passion flared up, and rained hot kisses on her face as +she struggled to release herself from my arms. + +When I left that night after dinner, and, walking on air, returned to +the Mess, it was arranged that I should be at her flat with my +suit-case at 6 p.m. the next evening, prepared, to use her own words, +"to disappear with me for 48 hours." + +She had told me of an address in Bruges which she said would forward on +any telegram if I was recalled, and I had to be satisfied with that, +for I may as well say here that I never discovered where I went to, and +I don't know to this moment in what part of Belgium I spent the last +two nights. + +I tried to find out at first, but as she obviously attached some +importance to keeping the locality of her woodland retreat a secret, +probably to circumvent the Colonel, I soon gave up trying to get the +secret from her, and contented myself with taking things as they came. + +To go on with my account of what happened--which was really so +remarkable that I propose writing it out in detail to the best of my +memory--at 6 p.m. next day I was naturally at her flat feeling very +much as if I was on the threshold of an adventure. + +Zoe was excited and the flat was in a turmoil, as apparently she had +only just begun to pack her dressing-case. + +Soon after six we went down and got into a large Mercédès car which I +had noticed standing outside when I arrived. We were soon on our way, +and left Bruges by the Eastern barrier; we showed our passes and +proceeded into the darkened country-side. We had been running for about +a mile when she remarked, "Prisoners will now be blindfolded!" and, to +my astonishment, slipped a little black silk bag over my head. + +I was so startled I didn't know whether to be angry, or to laugh, or +what to do. Eventually I did nothing, and, entering into the spirit of +the game, declared that even a wretched prisoner had the right not to +be stifled, whereupon she lifted the lower portion of the bag and +uncovered my mouth. Shortly afterwards I was electrified to feel a pair +of soft lips meet mine, a sensation which was repeated at frequent +intervals, and, as I whispered in her ear, under these conditions I was +prepared to be taken prisoner into the jaws of hell. + +This pleasant journey had lasted for about three-quarters of an hour +when my mask was removed and I was informed that I was "inside the +enemy lines!" Through the windows of the car I could dimly see that an +apparently endless mass of fir trees were rushing past on each side. +This state of affairs continued for a kilometre or so, when we branched +to the right and soon entered a large clearing in the forest, at one +side of which stood the house. Babette, Zoe and myself entered the +building, and the car disappeared, presumably back to Bruges. + +The house, built of logs, was of two stories; on the ground floor were +two living rooms, and the domains of Babette, who amongst her other +accomplishments turned out to be not only a most capable valet, but a +first-class cook. On the second story there were two large rooms. The +whole house was furnished after the manner of a hunting lodge, with +stags' heads on the walls, and skins on the floors. In the drawing-room +there was a piano and a few etchings of the wild boar by Schaffein. + +I dressed for dinner in my "smoking," though under ordinary +circumstances I should have considered this rather formal, but I was +glad I did, for she appeared in full evening _tenue_. She wore a violet +gown, and across her forehead a black satin bandeau with a Z in +diamonds upon it. It must have cost two thousand marks, and I wondered +with a dull kind of jealousy whether the Colonel had given it to her. + +I cannot remember of what we talked during dinner. We have a hundred +subjects in common, and we look at so many aspects of the world through +the same pair of eyes; I only know that when I have been talking to her +for a period--there is no exact measurement of time for me when I am +with her--I leave her presence feeling "completed." I feel that a sort +of gap within my being has been filled, that a spiritual hunger has +been satisfied, that I have got something which I wanted, but for which +I could not have formulated the desire in words. I had resolved that on +this first night I would bring matters between us to a head and end +this delicious but intolerable uncertainty as to how we stood; yet, +when old Babette had served us with coffee in the drawing-room, as I +call the second living-room, and we were alone together, I could not +bring up the subject. Partly because I think she prevented me so doing +by that skilful shepherding of the conversation into other paths with +an artfulness with which God endows all women, and also partly because +I could not screw myself up to the pitch. I could not, or rather would +not, put my fate to the touch. I had a presentiment that in reaching +for the summit I might fall from the slope. Alas! how true was this +foreboding in some senses--but I will keep all things in their right +order. + +[Illustration: "_The track met our ram_."] + +[Illustration: In the flash I caught a glimpse of his conning tower] + +Let it only be recorded that when she kissed me good-night (with the +tenderness of a mother) and left me to smoke a final cigar I had said +nothing, and I could only wonder at the strange fate that had placed me +practically alone with a girl whom I had grown to love with a deep +emotion, and who appeared to love me, yet often behaved as if I was her +brother. + +The next day we were like two children. The snow was deep on the +ground, and the fir trees stood like thousands of sentinels in grey +uniform round the clearing. Once during the afternoon, as with Zoe's +assistance I was furiously chopping wood for the fire, a droning noise +made me look up, and thousands of metres overhead a small squadron of +aeroplanes, evidently bound for the Western Front, sailed slowly across +the sky. I thought how awkward it would be for them if they experienced +an engine failure whilst over the forest, though they were up so high +that I imagine they could have glided ten kilometres, and as I think +(but I am not certain, and I have pledged myself not to try and find +out) we were in the Forest of Montellan, which is barely fifteen +kilometres broad, I suppose they could have fallen clear of the trees. + +As a matter of fact I imagine they would have used our clearing--I'm +glad they didn't. + +That night after dinner she played to me, first Beethoven and then +Chopin. I can see her as I write; she had just finished the 14th +Prelude and, resting her chin on her hand, she smiled mysteriously at +me. + +The hour had come, and, driven by strong impulses, I spoke. I told her +that I loved her as I had never thought that a man could love a woman; +I told her that I longed to shield her and protect her, and above all +things to remove her from the clutches of that bestial Colonel, and as +I bent over her and felt my senses swim in the subtleties of her +perfume, I begged her passionately to say the word that would give me +the right to fight the world on her behalf. + +When I had finished she was silent for a long while, and I can remember +distinctly that I wondered whether she could hear the thump! thump! +thump! of my heart, which to my agitated mind seemed to beat with the +strength of a hammer. + +At length she spoke; two words came slowly from her lips: + +"I cannot." + +I was not discouraged. I could see, I could feel, that a tremendous +struggle was raging, the outward signs of which were concealed by her +averted head. + +At length I asked her point-blank whether she loved me. Her silence +gave me my answer, and I took her unresisting body into my arms and +kissed her to distraction. Oh! these kisses, how bitter they seem to me +now, and yet how I long to hold her once again. For, freeing herself +from my embrace and speaking almost mechanically, she said: + +"Karl! I must tell you. I cannot marry you." + +I pleaded, I prayed, I argued, I demanded. It was in vain; I always +came up against the immovable "I cannot." + +And then I crashed over the precipice towards whose edge I had been +blindly going. I had said for the hundredth time, "But you know you +love me," when with a sob she abandoned all reserve, and, flinging her +arms round my neck, implored me to take her. Then, as I caught my +breath, she quickly said, as if frightened that she had gone too far, +"But I cannot marry you." + +I looked down into those beautiful eyes, and for the first time I +understood. For perhaps ten seconds I battled for my soul and the +purity of our love; then, tearing my sight from those eyes which would +lure an archangel to destruction, I was once more master of my body. As +my resolution grew, I hated her for doing this thing that had wrecked +in an instant the hopes of months, the ideals on which I had begun to +build afresh my life. + +She felt the change, and left me. + +As she went out by the door she gave me one last look, a look in which +love struggled with shame, a look which no man has ever earned the +right to receive from any woman. + +But I was as a statue of marble, dazed by this calamity. + +As the door closed upon her, I started forward--it was too late. + +Had she waited another instant--but there, I write of what has happened +and not what might have been. + +I did not sleep that night, until the dawn began to separate each fir +tree from the black mass of the forest. Twice in the night, with shame +I confess it, I opened my door and looked down the little passage-way; +and twice I closed the door and threw myself upon my bed in an agony of +torment. It was ten o'clock when a knock at the door aroused me, and +the sunlight through the window-pane was tracing patterns on the floor. + +There was a note on the breakfast table, but before I opened it I knew +that, save for Babette, I was alone in the house. + +The note was brief, unaddressed and unsigned. I have it here before me; +I have meant to tear it up but I cannot. It is a weakness to keep it, +but I have lost so much in the last few days, that I will not grudge +myself some small relic of what has been. The note says: + +"I am leaving for Bruges at half-past eight, when the car was ordered +to fetch us back. I go alone. Babette will give you breakfast. The car +will return for you at eleven o'clock. I rely on your honour in that +you will not observe where you have been. Come to me when you want +me--till then, farewell." + +It was as she said, and I honourably acceded to her request. This +afternoon just before lunch I arrived in Bruges, and since tea-time I +have tried to write down what has happened since I left the day before +yesterday. Oh! how could she do it, how can it be possible that she is +a woman like that? I could have sworn that she was not like this--and +yet how can I account for her life with the Colonel? There must be some +reason, but in Heaven's name, what? + +Meanwhile I am to go to her when I want her! And that will be when I +can give her my name. But oh! Zoe, I want you now, so badly, oh! so +badly! + + * * * * * + +I saw her once to-day in the gardens, walking by herself. + + * * * * * + +I have told Max's secretary that I want to get to sea; to be here in +Bruges and not to see her is more than I can bear. + +I sail at dawn to-morrow. Shall I see her? No, it is best not. + +A frightful noise over the New Year celebrations to-night. Champagne +flowing like water in the Mess. I feel the year 1917 opens badly for +me. + +Weissman also went to sea again for a short trip in the Channel, and +has not reported for five days. Perhaps he has despised the Dover +Barrage once too often. If this is so, it is a great loss to the +service: he was a man of iron resolution in underwater attack. + +I feel I ought to despise Zoe, but I can't. I love her too much; after +all, am I not perhaps encasing myself in the robe of a Pharisee? + +She offered me all she had, save only the one thing I asked, without +which I will take nothing. I cannot reconcile her behaviour with her +character; why can't she trust me? why can't she be frank with me? I +will not believe she is that sort. + +I feel I cannot go out again without a _sign_--I may not return, and I +will not leave her, perhaps for ever, with this bitterness between us. + + * * * * * + + +At sea in U.C.47 again. Alten as surly as ever. + +I decided finally to write to Zoe, but found it difficult to know what +to say. Eventually I said more than I had intended. I told her frankly +that I experienced a shock, but that I had not meant to seem so cold, +and that what I had done had been done for both our sakes. I told her +that I still loved her, and I implored her once more to leave the +Colonel and come to me as my wife. + +Already I long to know what message awaits me on my return. + +This will not be for three days. We left at dawn this morning to lay +mines off the channel to Harwich harbour; a nest from which submarines, +cruisers and destroyers buzz in and out like wasps. It will be ticklish +work. + + + + +_On the bottom_. + + +Our mines are still with us, but so are our lives, which is something. + +We were approaching the appointed spot at 6 a.m. this morning, when +without the slightest warning the track of a torpedo was seen streaking +towards us about 50 yards on the starboard bow. + +Before Alten (who was on the bridge with me) could do more than press +the diving alarm, the track met our ram. I breathed again, and was then +reminded by an oath from Alten that the boat was diving. + +It was evident that we had only been saved by the torpedo running deep +under the cut-away part of our bow, otherwise!--well, the tangle of my +affairs would have been easily straightened. + +Further procedure on the surface was suicidal, and we kept hydrophone +patrol, twice hearing the motors of the enemy submarine. At the moment +we are on the bottom waiting to come up and charge to-night, and lay +our mines at dawn to-morrow. + + * * * * * + +On the bottom in 28 metres and feeling none too comfortable, as there +would appear to be about a dozen destroyers overhead. + +Last night, or rather early this morning, I participated in one of the +most extraordinary incidents that I have ever heard of. + +It was pitch-black dark when I took over at 4 a.m., and a fresh breeze +had raised a lumpy sea, which covered the bridge with spray. We were +charging 400 amps on each, with the intention of laying one mine +directly there was sufficient light to get a fix from some of the buoys +which the English stick down all over the place here in the most +convenient manner possible. If only one could believe they never +shifted them. Alten says it never occurs to an Englishman to do a thing +like that, but I'm not so sure. However, we were proceeding along at +about five knots, crashing into the sea rather badly, when out of the +black beastliness of the night I saw a shape close aboard on the port +hand. + +As I hesitated for a second as to my course of action, I was astounded +to see a large submarine which must have been British, on an opposite +course, not more than 25 metres away! + +This sounds absurd, but it really wasn't further. I'm not ashamed to +confess that I was completely disorganized; it did not seem possible +that the enemy was literally alongside me. + +I don't know how it struck the officer in the British boat, but I must +give him credit for doing something first, for he fired a Very's white +light straight at me as the two boats passed. It impinged on the hull, +and in the flash I caught a photographic glimpse of his conning tower, +on which was painted the letter E, followed by two numbers, of which +one was a two I think, and the other a nine. + +By this time he was on my port quarter and rapidly disappearing; in a +frenzy of rage I managed to get my revolver out, and whilst with the +left hand I pressed the diving alarm, with the right hand I emptied the +magazine in his direction. When we were down, Alten practically +refused to believe me, which made me very pleased that in descending I +had trod on a pair of hands which turned out to be his, as he had +started up the ladder to the upper conning tower when he first heard +the alarm. + +I presume our opponent dived as well, but evidently he had put two and +two together and used his aerial at some period, for when at dawn we +poked a periscope up, a flotilla of destroyers appeared to be looking +for something, which "something" was us, unless I am much mistaken; so +we bottomed, where we have been ever since. The Hydroplane Operator +keeps up a monotonous sing-song to the effect that "Fast running +propellers are either receding or approaching." The crew are collected +round the mine-tubes as I write, and are singing a lugubrious song, the +refrain of which runs: + + "Death for the Fatherland! Glorious fate, + This is the end that we gladly await." + +Why will the seamen always become morbid when possible? And there is +not a man amongst them who is not inwardly thinking of some beer-hall +in Bruges, though I suppose that like their betters they have their +romances of a tenderer kind. + + * * * * * + +The boat has been rolling about on the bottom in the most sickening +manner the whole afternoon. We flooded P and Q to capacity, which gave +her 50 tons negative, but it seems to have little effect in steadying +her, and it is evident that a really heavy gale is running on top. + + * * * * * + +Surfaced at 10 p.m.; a very heavy sea running and impossible to do much +more than heave to. This weather has one point in its favour and that +is that the destroyers are driven in. + +It got steadily worse all night, and at midnight we lost our foremost +wireless mast overboard; we have now (10 a.m.) been 48 hours without +communication. At dawn we could see nothing to fix by; not a buoy in +sight, nothing but an expanse of foam-topped short steep waves of dirty +neutral-tinted water; how different to the great green and white surges +of the broad Atlantic. + +Under these circumstances Alten decided to risk it and return without +laying our mines; for once in a way I agreed with him, as it is better +not to lay a minefield at all than dump one down in some unknown +position which one may have to traverse oneself in the course of a +month or so. We are now slowly, very slowly, struggling back to +Zeebrugge. + +A green sea came down the conning tower to-day, and everything in the +boat is damp and smelly and beastly. The propellers race at frequent +intervals and the whole boat shudders--I feel miserable. + +Alten has started to drink spirits; he began as soon as we decided to +go back. He will be incapable by to-night, and it means that I shall +have to take her in. + +What hell this is, sitting in sodden clothes, with the stench of four +days' living assaulting the nostrils, and a motion of the devil; the +glass is very low and is slowly rising, so that I suppose it will blow +harder soon, though it is about force eight at present. + +I wonder what Zoe will have written in reply to my note. When I think +of what I rejected and compare it with my beast-like existence here, I +can hardly believe that I behaved as I did--what would I not give now +to be transported back to the forest! At this rate of progress we shall +take another 24 hours. I wonder if I can knock another half-knot out of +her without smashing her up. + + * * * * * + +The extraordinarily violent motion has upset the _Anschutz_. [1] The +bearing cone of the stabilizing gyro has cracked, and the master +compass began to wander off in circles. I was just resting for an hour +or two, wedged up on a wet settee with coats equally wet, when her +heavy pitching changed to a wallowing roll, and I heard the pilot, who +was on watch, cursing down the voice-pipe, as we had sagged off our +course. + +[Footnote 1: Gyroscopic compass.--ETIENNE.] + +I heard the voice of the helmsman querulously maintain that he was +steering his course by _Anschutz_, so I got up and gingerly clawed my +way into the control room, where I found by comparing _Anschutz_ with +magnetic that the former had gone to hell, the reason being obvious, as +the stabilizer was exerting a strongly biased torque. I stopped the +_Anschutz_ and asked the pilot to give the helmsman a steady by +magnetic. + +As we staggered back to our course I heard a thud in the wardroom, and +on returning to my settee found that Alten had rolled out of his bunk, +where he was lying in a drunken stupor, and that he was face downwards, +sprawling on the deck, half his face in the broken half of a dirty dish +which had fallen off the table whilst I was having tea. As I couldn't +let the crew see him like this, I was obliged to struggle and get him +back into his bunk. He was like a log and absolutely incapable of +rendering me any assistance, though he did open his eyes and mutter +once or twice as I lifted him up, trunk first and then his legs. He +stank of spirits and I hated touching him. Lord! what a truly hoggish +man he is; yet I cannot help envying him his oblivion to these +surroundings. + + * * * * * + + + +Arrived in, this afternoon. + + +Alten quite slept off his drink, and was offensively sarcastic as I +worked on the forepart with wires, getting her into the shelters +alongside the mole. + +I hastened up to Bruges, and in the Mess heard several items of news +and found two letters. The first, in a well-known handwriting, I opened +eagerly, but received a chill of disappointment when I read its single +line. + +"I am here when you want me.--Z." + +So she thinks to break my resolution! + +No! I am stronger than she, and, now that I know she loves me, I can +and will bend her to my will. Even now, at this distance of time, I can +hardly understand my conduct the other day. I must have been given the +strength of ten. I feel that I could not do it again; had she hesitated +a second longer at the door--well, I can hardly say what I would have +done. + +It is my duty to do so, for her sake and my own. But I know my +weakness, and in this fact lies my strength. Cost what it may, I shall +not permit myself to go near her until she yields. + +The second letter gave me a great surprise. It was from Rosa. She has +passed some examination, and is coming _here_ of all places as a Red +Cross nurse. She says she is looking forward to going round a U-boat! +She assumes a good deal, I must say, still, I suppose I must be polite +to her; but why the deuce does she sign herself "Yours, Rosa?" She's +not mine, and I don't want her; it seems funny to me that I once +thought of her vaguely in that sort of way. Now, I feel rather +disturbed that she is coming here, though I don't quite see why I +should worry, and yet I wonder if it is a coincidence her coming to +Bruges? + +I'm almost inclined to think it isn't. After all, every girl wants to +get married, and without conceit my family, circumstances and, in the +privacy of the pages of this journal I may add, my personal +appearances, are such as would appeal to most girls--except Zoe, +apparently! + +I'll have to be on my guard against Miss Rosa. + +I heard to-day that I am likely to be appointed to the periscope school +in a few weeks' time, and meanwhile I am to be attached as +supernumerary to the operations division on old Max's staff. + + * * * * * + +The work here is most interesting. I feel glad that I am one of the +spiders weaving the web for Britain's destruction. + +The impasse with Zoe still continues, and my peace of mind has been +still further disturbed by the actual arrival of Rosa. She rang me up +within twelve hours of her arrival, and, of course, I was obliged to +call. That was the day before yesterday. Rosa is at the No. 3 Hospital +here, and was horribly effusive. Some people would, I suppose, call her +good-looking, but to me, with my mind's-eye in perpetual contemplation +of my darling Zoe, Rosa looked like a turnip. Her first movement after +the preliminary greetings was to offer me a cigarette! I then noticed +that her fingers were stained with nicotine, unpleasant in a man, +disgusting in a woman. + +Her nose was shiny and greasy--horrible. After a little talk she +volunteered the statement that yesterday was her afternoon off, and she +was simply longing to have tea in the gardens. + +I endeavoured to make some feeble excuse on the grounds of the weather +being unsuitable, but I am no good at these social lies, and I was +eventually obliged to promise to take her there. I was the more annoyed +in that her main object was obviously to be seen walking with a U-boat +officer. + +Accordingly, yesterday, I found myself walking about with her at my +side. My feelings can better be imagined than described when I suddenly +saw Zoe, accompanied by Babette, in the distance. I hastily altered +course, and pray she didn't see me. + +In the course of the afternoon Rosa had the impertinence to say that at +Frankfurt they were saying that I was interested in a beautiful widow +at Bruges, and could she (Rosa) write and say I was heart-whole, or +else what the girl was like. I'm afraid that I lost my temper a little, +and I told Rosa she could write to all the busybodies at home and tell +them from me to go to the devil. + +These women in the home circle, and especially aunts, are always the +same; firstly, they badger one to get married, and then if they think +one is contemplating such a step they are all agog to find out whether +she is suitable! + + * * * * * + +Three more boats, two of which are U.C.'s, are overdue. It is +distinctly unpleasant not knowing how or where they go, though the U.B. +boat (Friederich Althofen) made her incoming position the day before +yesterday as off Dungeness, so it looks as if the barrage at Dover +which got Weissman has got Althofen as well. I wonder what new devilry +they have put down there. + +How one wishes that in 1914, instead of seeking the capture of Paris, +we had realized the importance of the Channel Ports to England, and +struck for them! + +It would not have been necessary to strike even in September, 1914. We +could have walked into them. Dunkirk, at all events, should have been +ours; however, we must do the best with things as they are, not that I +would consider it too late even now to make a big push for the French +coast. + +It would seem, as a matter of fact, that all the pushing is to be at +the other end of the line, in the Verdun sector, from the rumours I +hear, though I should have thought once bitten twice shy in that +quarter. + + * * * * * + +Saw Zoe again in the distance, and I think she saw me; at all events +she turned round and walked away. + +This girl whom I cannot, and would not if I could, obliterate from my +thoughts, is causing me much worry. + +She shows no sign of giving in, and I for one intend to be adamant. I +shall defeat her in time. The male intellect is always ultimately +victorious, other things being equal. I was reading Schopenhauer on the +subject last night. What a brain that man had, though I confess his +analysis of the female mentality is so terribly and truthfully cruel +that it jars on certain of my feelings. + +Zoe's resolution in this conflict, this sex war one might call it, only +adds to her charm in my eyes; she is, I feel, a worthy mate for me, +both intellectually and physically, and she shall be mine--I have +decided it. + +Met Rosa to-day at old Max's house, where I went to pay a duty call. + +Her Excellency is as forbidding a specimen of her sex as any I have +ever met. She quite frightened me, and in the home circle the old man +seemed quite subdued. + +I escorted Rosa home, and on the way to her hospital she gave me a +great surprise, as after much evasive talk she suddenly came out with +the news that she was engaged to Heinrich Baumer, of U.C.23. I was +quite taken aback, and will frankly confess that not so very long ago I +imagined, evidently erroneously, that she was disposed to let her +affections become engaged in another quarter. However, I was really +very glad to hear this news, and congratulated her with genuine +feeling. + +The knowledge that she was a promised woman quite altered my feelings +towards her, and before I quite meant to, I had told her a considerable +amount about Zoe. It gave me much relief to be able to unburden myself, +and confide my difficulties elsewhere than in the pages of this +journal. + +I have asked the girl to tea to-morrow. + + * * * * * + +A vile air raid last night. British machines, of course. They seemed +determined to get over the town, and from 1 a.m. to 3 a.m. relays of +machines (of which not _one_ was shot down) attacked us. The din was +tremendous, and all sleep was out of the question. + +Morning revealed surprisingly little damage, as is often the case in +these big raids, whereas a few bombs from a chance machine often work +havoc. I was down at 50 B.C. aerodrome this morning, and heard that as +soon as the moon suits we are going to make Dunkirk sit up as +retaliation for last night's efforts. There were also rumours of big +attacks impending on London as soon as the new type of Gothas are +delivered. That will shake the smug security of those cursed islanders. + +Rosa came to tea, and afterwards I told her more about Zoe, and as I +expect any day to be appointed to the periscope school at Kiel, I asked +Rosa to try and effect an introduction to Zoe, and do what she could +for me. Rosa gave me the impression that she was somewhat surprised +that I should have had any difficulty with Zoe (of course I had not +told her of the shooting-box scene). Rosa evidently thinks any woman +ought to be honoured.... + +Perhaps I was not so far wrong in my surmises as to Rosa's previous +inclinations--I wonder; at any rate she will undoubtedly make Baumer a +good wife, and she will probably be very fruitful and grow still fatter +and housewifely. She is of a type of woman appointed by God in his +foresight as breeders. Zoe, my adorable one, will probably not take +kindly to babies. + + * * * * * + +I am ordered to report myself at Kiel by next Monday. + +I am terribly tempted to ring up Zoe on the telephone before I leave: +it seems dreadful to leave her without a word; but at the same time I +feel that she would interpret this as a sign of weakness on my part--as +indeed it would be. I must be firm, for strength of mind pays with +women, even more than with men. + + + + +_At Kiel_. + + +I left Bruges without a word either to or from my obstinate darling. + +It is torture being away from her. I had thought that when I was here +and not exposed to the temptation of going round and seeing her, that +it would be easier; it is not. I long to write, and how I wonder +whether she is feeling it as I do. + +I have read somewhere that a woman's passion once aroused is more +ungovernable than a man's. That her whole being cries aloud for me +cannot be doubted, and if the above statement is true what +inflexibility of will she must be showing--it almost makes me fear--but +no, I will defeat her in this strange contest, and she shall be my +wife. + +The work here is strenuous, and the grass does not grow under one's +feet. The course for commanding officers lasts four weeks, and +terminates in an exceedingly practical but rather fearsome test--i.e., +they have six steamers here camouflaged after the English fashion with +dazzle painting, and these six steamers, protected by launches and +harbour defence craft, steam across Kiel Bay in the manner of a convoy. +The officer being examined has to attack this group of ships in one of +the instructional submarines, and in three attacks he must score at +least two hits, or else, in theory, he is returned to general service +in the Fleet. + +Fortunately at the moment I hear that owing to recent losses they are +distinctly on the short side where submarine officers are concerned, so +they'll probably make it easy when I do my test. + + * * * * * + +I see I have written nothing here for a fortnight; this is due to two +causes: Firstly, I have been so extraordinarily busy, and, secondly, I +have been most depressed through a letter I received from Fritz. It +contained two items of bad news. + +In the first place, I heard for the first time of the tragedy of +Heinrich Baumer's boat, and to my astonishment Fritz tells me that Rosa +and another girl were in her when she was lost! + +It appears that she was to go out for a couple of hours' diving off the +port as a matter of routine after her two months' overhaul. She went +out at 10 a.m., and was sighted from the signal station at the end of +the mole at 11.30, when almost immediately afterwards there was an +explosion and she disappeared. Motor-boats were quickly on the scene, +but only debris came to the surface. Divers were sent down, and +reported that she was in ten metres of water completely shattered. It +is assumed, for lack of other explanation, that she struck a chance +drifting mine which was moving down the coast on the tide. + +Meanwhile Rosa and another sister were missing from the hospital, and +after forty-eight hours someone put two and two together and started +investigations. It has been ascertained that Baumer motored down from +Bruges after breakfast, and that in the car were two figures taken to +be sailors, as they were muffled up in oilskins. This fact was noted by +the control sentries, as, though the day was showery, it was not +raining hard. Other scraps of evidence unite in showing that these were +the two girls who had apparently induced Baumer to take them out for a +dive as a treat. + +What a tragedy! However, it must have been quite instantaneous. Poor +Rosa, with all her vanities about war work, to think that the war would +claim her like that! [1] + +[Footnote 1: It is known that a boat with women on board was lost +whilst exercising off Zeebrugge in the Spring of 1917. This would +appear to be the boat in question.--ETIENNE.] + +Fritz added that old Max is almost off his head with rage over the +whole business, and it is difficult to say whether he is more angry +over Baumer and the boat being lost, or over the fact that Baumer being +dead he is unable to administer those "disciplinary actions" in which +he delights. + + * * * * * + +Great excitement here, as the day after to-morrow His Imperial Majesty +the Kaiser and Hindenburg are due to pay Kiel a surprise visit. We are +to be inspected and addressed. Tremendous preparations are going on. + + * * * * * + +His Majesty, accompanied by the great Field-Marshal, inspected us this +morning, and made a fine speech, of which we have been given printed +copies. I shall frame mine and hang it in my boat, if I get a command. + +I transcribe it: + +"Officers and men of the U-boat service: + +"In the midst of the anxious moments in which we live I have determined +to make time to come and witness in my own person the labours of those +on whom I and the Fatherland rely. Fresh from the great battles on the +West which are gnawing at the vitals of our hereditary enemies, I come +to those whose glorious mission it will be to strike relentlessly at +our most deadly and cunning enemy--cursed Britain. God is on our side +and will protect you at sea for, in the striking at the nation which +openly boasts that it aims at starving our women and children, you are +engaged on a mission of undoubted holiness. + +"You must sink and destroy even as of old the Israelites smote and +destroyed the alien races. + +"To the officers I would particularly say, my person is your honour, +and I am your supreme chief. From my hands you will receive honour, and +from my hands will proceed just punishment for the unhappy ones who +fail in their duty. + +"To the men I would say, trust and obey your officers as you would your +God. Officers and men! In you, your Kaiser and Fatherland place their +trust--let neither be disappointed!" + +After his address, His Majesty graciously spoke a few words to +individuals, of whom I had the signal honour of being one. I felt that +I was in the presence of an Emperor. His gestures, his eyes, his voice, +impressed me as belonging to a man born to command and to fill high +places. The Field-Marshal never opened his mouth. I understand from his +A.D.C. that he rarely speaks in public. + + * * * * * + +The Colonel is KILLED! When I think about it, I am so excited I can +hardly write! + +I heard the great news last night, quite by accident. I was sitting in +the Mess after dinner, and picked up _Die Woche_, and glancing at the +pictures, I suddenly saw the portrait of Colonel Stein, of the +Brandenburgers, killed on the 7th instant near Ypres. I recognized the +ugly and bloated face immediately from the photograph of him which she +had once shown me. + +My first impulse was to send her a wire, but, on thinking matters over, +I decided that it would be difficult to put all my thoughts into the +curt sentences of a telegram, and, further, that as all wires are +doubtless examined at the Main Post Office at Bruges, it might lead to +trouble, so I wrote her a letter. + +This, in a way, has been an exhibition of weakness on my part, as I had +promised myself that I would not take the first step in reopening +communication; but I feel that the fortunate death of Stein has +completely altered the case. I told her in the letter that I realized +that I had made mistakes, but that if she still loved me with half the +strength that I loved her, then a telegram to me would make me the +happiest of men. + +I wrote that yesterday, but have had no wire. Perhaps, like me, she +distrusts telegrams and prefers letters. + + * * * * * + +A long letter from Zoe: an accursed fetter--an abominable letter--a +damnable letter; she still refuses to marry me. I leave for Bruges +to-night on forty-eight hours' special leave. + + + + +_Kiel, 17th._ + + +I hate Zoe, she has broken my heart. + +After her preposterous letter of the 14th, I decided that in a matter +which so closely affected my happiness no stone ought to remain +unturned to ensure a satisfactory solution of the problem, so I +determined to have a personal interview. I arrived at Bruges after tea +and went at once to the flat. + +I tackled her immediately on the subject of her letter, and told her +that naturally I understood that a decent interval must elapse before +we married; but, granted this fact, I told her that I failed to see +what prevented our marriage. + +A most unpleasant and harrowing scene ensued, the details of which form +such painful recollections that I really cannot write them down here, +though in the passage of months I have acquired the habit of writing in +the pages of this journal with the same freedom as I would talk to that +wife whom I had hoped to possess. She maintained an obstinate silence +when I urged her to give me at least some tangible reason as to why she +would not marry me. She contented herself and maddened me by reflecting +in a kind of monotone: "I love you, Karl! and am yours, but I cannot +marry you." + +I could have beaten her till she was senseless, but I had enough sense +to realize that with Zoe, whose resolution, considering she is a woman, +amazes me, force is not the best method. As I continued to press her +(time was important: had I not journeyed far to see her?), those +glorious eyes of hers, which I love and whose power I dread, filled +with tears. I was a brute! I was heartless! I was inconsiderate! I +could not love her! I was cruel! And I know not what other accusation +crushed me down. + +Broken-hearted and dispirited, I told her to choose there and then. + +She collapsed on to a sofa in a storm of tears, and after a severe +mental struggle I took the only possible course, and leaving the +room--left her for ever. I have resumed my service life determined to +cast her out from my mind. + +I will not deceive myself: it will be hard. Love and Logic are deadly +enemies, but Logic must and shall prevail. Though I have seen her for +the last time, I cannot escape the net of fascination which the girl +has thrown over me. Perhaps in the course of time I shall slowly emerge +and free myself from its entanglements. At present I hate her for this +blow she has dealt me, and yet, O Zoe! my darling, how I long to be +with you! + + * * * * * + +To-day I went through my final test for qualification as U-boat +commander. + +At 9 a.m. I proceeded to sea in command of the U.11, one of the +instructional boats here. We proceeded out into Kiel Bay. On board and +watching my every movement was a committee consisting of a commander +and two lieutenant-commanders. + +On arrival at the entrance lightship, I was ordered to attack a convoy +of camouflaged ships which were just visible about fifteen kilometres +away off the Spit Bank. I had a very shrewd idea as to the course they +would steer, and on coming up for my final observation I found myself +in an excellent position, 1,000 metres on the bow of the leading ship. +The rest was easy. I gave the leader the two bow torpedoes, and, +turning sixteen points, fired my stern tube at the third ship of the +line. Two hits were obtained, and I returned to harbour well pleased +with myself. There is not the slightest chance of having failed to +qualify. + + * * * * * + +My confidence in myself was not misplaced; I heard to-day that I am on +the command list, and anticipate in a few days being appointed to a +boat. I wonder which craft I shall get? + + * * * * * + +I met the A.D.C. to the Chief of the Staff at the school, at the +gardens, and in conversation with him discovered that he had heard that +three boats were being detached from the Flanders flotilla for an +unknown destination. This has given me an idea, for I feel that I can +never return to Bruges, and I was rather dreading being appointed to +one of the boats there. I have dropped a line to Fritz Regels, who is +on old Max's staff, and told him that I do not wish to return to +Bruges, and I further hinted that I understood a detached squadron was +proceeding somewhere, and, as far as I was concerned, the further the +better, if I could get into it. + +I have tried the night life at this place at the Mascotte and +Trocadero, [1] in order to forget, but it is a poor consolation. + +[Footnote 1: Two well-known cabarets at Kiel.--ETIENNE.] + + * * * * * + +A letter from Fritz, saying that he has an idea that Korting's boat +would suit me, though he could not of course give me further details in +a letter; however, he informs me positively that I shall not be at +Bruges. + +On the strength of this I have wired to Fritz, and asked him to try and +fix up an exchange between me and Korting, provided the latter is +agreeable and the people in Max's office have no objection. I have a +recollection that Korting's boat is one of the U.40--U.60 class, which +would suit me admirably, and, as for destination, I care not where it +is, provided only that it be far from Bruges. + + + + +_At sea_. + + +I have quite neglected my poor old journal for several weeks. But I +have passed through an extraordinarily busy period. + +It was approved that I should relieve Korting, whose boat, the U.59, I +discovered to be refitting at Wilhelmshaven. I was very pleased not to +go back to Bruges, though as we steam steadily north at this moment I +cannot escape a sense of deep disappointment that upon my return from +this trip I shall not enjoy as of old the fascination of Zoe. But I +shall have plenty of time to get accustomed to this idea, for this is +no ordinary trip. + +We are bound for the North Cape and Murman Coast, where we remain until +well into the cold weather--at any rate, for three months. + +Our mission is to work off that fogbound and desolate coast, and attack +the constant stream of traffic between England and Archangel. There are +two other boats besides ourselves on the job, but we shall all be +working far apart. + +Our first billet is off the North Cape. In order to save time, we are +to be provisioned once a month in one of the fjords. I don't imagine +the Admiralty will have any difficulty in getting supplies up to us, as +at the moment we are off the Lofotens, and we actually have not had to +dive since we left the Bight! + +There seems to be nothing on the sea except ourselves. Where is the +much vaunted and impenetrable web of blockade which the English are +supposed to have spread around us? And yet many raw materials are +getting very short with us. I see that in this boat they have replaced +several copper pipes with steel ones during her refit, and this will +lead to trouble unless we are careful--steel pipes corrode so badly +that I never feel ready to trust them for pressure work. + +The truth about the blockade is that it is largely a paper blockade, +yet not ineffective for all that. Unfortunately for us, the damned +English and their hangers-on control the cables of the world, and hence +all the markets, and I don't suppose, to take the case of copper, that +a single pound of it is mined from the Rio Tinto without the British +Board of Trade knowing all about it. The neutral firms simply dare not +risk getting put on to the British Black List; it means ruination for +them. And then all these dollar-grabbing Yankees, enjoying all the +advantages of war without any of its dangers--they make me sick. + +This seems a most profitable job. I have only been up seven days, but +I've bagged four steamers, all by gun-fire, and all fat ships, brimful +of stuff for the Russians. My practice has been to make the North Cape +every day or two to fix position, as the currents are the most abnormal +in these parts, and I should say that the "Sailing Directions Pilotage +Handbook" and "Tidal Charts" were compiled by a gentleman at a desk who +had never visited these latitudes. + +At the moment I am standing well out to sea, as the immediate vicinity +of the North Cape has become rather unhealthy. + +Yesterday afternoon (I had sunk number four in the morning, and the +crew were still pulling for the coast) four British trawlers turned up. +These damned little craft seem to turn up wherever one goes. I longed +to have a bang at them with my gun, but, apart from the uncertainty as +to what they carried in the way of armament, I have strict orders to +avoid all that sort of thing, so I dived and steamed slowly west, came +up at dusk and proceeded to charge up my batteries. + +These U.6O's are excellent boats, and I am very lucky to get one so +soon. I suppose Korting, being a married man, wants to stay near his +wife. I cannot write that word without painful memories of Zoe and idle +thoughts of what might have been. Well, perhaps it is for the best. I +am not sure that a member of the U-boat service has the right to get +married in war-time, for unless he is of exceptional mentality it must +affect his outlook under certain circumstances, though I think I should +have been an exception here. Then the anxiety to the woman must be +enormous; as every trip comes round a voice must cry within her, this +may be the last. The contrast between the times in harbour and the +trips is so violent, so shattering and clear cut. + +With a soldier's wife, she merely knows that he is at the front; with +us, at 8 p.m. one may be kissing one's wife in Bruges, and at 6 a.m. +creeping with nerves on edge through the unknown dangers of the Dover +Barrage--but I have strayed from what I meant to write about--my first +command and her crew. + +The quarters in this class are immensely superior to the U.C.-boats. +Here I have a little cabin to myself, with a knee-hole table in it. My +First Lieutenant, the Navigator and the Engineer have bunks in a room +together, and then we have a small officers' mess. + +On this job up here, as we are not to return to Germany for supplies, +and, consequently, I should say we may have to live on what we can get +out of steamers, I don't propose to use my torpedoes unless I meet a +warship or an exceptionally large steamer. + +The gun's the thing, as Arnauld de la Perrière has proved in the +Mediterranean; but half the fellows won't follow his example, simply +because they don't realize that it's no use employing the gun unless it +is used accurately, and good shooting only comes after long drill. + +I have impressed this fact on my gun crew, and particularly the two +gun-layers, and I make Voigtman (my young First Lieutenant) take the +crew through their loading drill twice a day, together with practice of +rapid manning of the gun after a "surface" or rapid abandonment of the +gun should the diving alarms sound in the middle of practice. I have +also impressed on Voigtman that I consider that he is the gun control +officer, and that I expect him to make the efficient working of the gun +his main consideration. + +As regards the crew, they are the usual mixed crowd that one gets +nowadays: half of them are old sailors, the others recruits and new +arrivals from the Fleet. My main business at the moment is to get the +youngsters into shape, and for this purpose I have been doing a number +of crash dives. It also gives me an opportunity of getting used to the +boat's peculiarities under water. She seems to have a tendency to +become tail-heavy, but this may be due to bad trimming. + +Voigtman has been in U.B.43 for nine months, and seems a capable +officer. Socially, I don't think he can boast of much descent, but he +has no airs, and treats me with pleasing respect, apart from service +considerations. + + * * * * * + +A very awkward accident took place this morning, which resulted in +severe injury to Johann Wiener, my second coxswain. + +A party of men under his direction were engaged in shifting the stern +torpedo from its tube, in order to replace it with a spare torpedo, as +I never allow any of my torpedoes to stay in the tube for more than a +week at a time owing to corrosion. The torpedo which had been in the +tube had been launched back and was on the floor plates. + +The spare torpedo, destined for the vacant tube, was hanging overhead, +when without any warning the hook on the lifting band fractured, and +the 1,000 kilogrammes' mass of metal crashed down. + +Wonderful to relate, no one was killed, but two men were badly bruised, +and Wiener has been very seriously injured. He was standing astride the +spare torpedo, and his right leg was extremely badly crushed, mostly +below the knee. + +Unfortunately it took about ten minutes to release him from his +position of terrible agony. I should have expected him to faint, but he +did not. His face went dead white, and he began to sweat freely, but +otherwise endured his ordeal with praiseworthy fortitude. + +[Illustration: "The 1,000 kilogrammes of metal crashed down."] + +[Illustration: "Good-bye! Steer west for America!"] + +[Illustration: "It is a snug anchorage and here I intend to remain."] + +I am now confronted with a perplexing situation. I cannot take him back +to Germany; I cannot even leave my station and proceed south to any of +the Norwegian ports. If I could find a neutral steamer with a doctor on +board, I would tranship him to her; but the chances of this God-send +materializing are a thousand to one in these latitudes. If I sighted a +hospital ship I would close her, but as far as I know at present there +are no hospital ships running up here. The chances of outside +assistance may therefore be reckoned as nil. Wiener's hope of life +depends on me, and I cannot make up my mind to take the step which +sooner or later must be taken--that is to say, amputation. + +It is a curious fact, but true, nevertheless, that although, as a +result of the war, men's lives, considered in quantity, seem of little +importance, when it comes to the individual case, a personal contact, a +man's life assumes all its pre-war importance. + +I feel acutely my responsibility in this matter. I see from his papers +that he is a married man with a family; this seems to make it worse. I +feel that a whole chain of people depend on me. + + * * * * * + +Since I wrote the above words this morning, Wiener has taken a decided +turn for the worse. + +I have been reading the "Medical Handbook," with reference to the +remarks on amputation, gangrene, etc., and I have also been examining +his leg. The poor devil is in great pain, and there is no doubt that +mortification has set in, as was indeed inevitable. I have decided that +he must have his last chance, and that at 8 p.m. to-night I will +endeavour to amputate. + + + + +_Midnight_. + + +I have done it--only partially successful. + + * * * * * + +Last night, in accordance with my decision, I operated on Wiener. +Voigtman assisted me. It was a terrible business, but I think it +desirable to record the details whilst they are fresh in my memory, as +a Court of Inquiry may be held later on. Voigtman and I spent the whole +afternoon in the study of such meagre details on the subject as are +available in the "Medical Handbook." We selected our knives and a saw +and sterilized them; we also disinfected our hands. + +At 7.45 I dived the boat to sixty metres, at which depth the boat was +steady. We had done our best with the wardroom-table, and upon this the +patient was placed. I decided to amputate about four inches above the +knee, where the flesh still seemed sound. I considered it impracticable +to administer an anaesthetic, owing to my absolute inexperience in this +matter. + +Three men held the patient down, as with a firm incision I began the +work. The sawing through the bone was an agonizing procedure, and I +needed all my resolution to complete the task. Up to this stage all had +gone as well as could be expected, when I suddenly went through the +last piece of bone and cut deep into the flesh on the other side. An +instantaneous gush of blood took place, and I realized that I had +unexpectedly severed the popliteal artery, before Voigtman, who was +tying the veins, was ready to deal with it. + +I endeavoured to staunch the deadly flow by nipping the vein between my +thumb and forefinger, whilst Voigtman hastily tried to tie it. Thinking +it was tied, I released it, and alas! the flow at once started again; +once more I seized the vein, and once again Voigtman tried to tie it. +Useless--we could not stop the blood. He would undoubtedly have bled to +death before our eyes, had not Voigtman cauterized the place with an +electric soldering-iron which was handy. + +Much shaken, I completed the amputation, and we dressed the stump as +well as we could. + +At the moment of writing he is still alive, but as white as snow; he +must have lost litres of blood through that artery. + + + + +9 _p.m._ + + +Wiener died two hours ago. I should say the immediate cause of death +was shock and loss of blood. I did my best. + + * * * * * + +We have been out on this extended patrol area seven days, but not a +wisp of smoke greets our eyes. + +Nothing but sea, sea, sea. Oh, how monotonous it is! I cannot make out +where the shipping has got to. Tomorrow I am going to close the North +Cape again. I think everything must be going inside me. I am too far +out here. + + * * * * * + +The North Cape bears due east. Nothing afloat in sight. Where the devil +can all the shipping be? In ten days' time I am due to meet my supply +ship; meanwhile I think I'll have to take another cast out, of three +hundred miles or so. + + * * * * * + +Nothing in sight, nothing, nothing. + +The barometer falling fast and we are in for a gale. I have decided to +make the coast again, as I don't want to fail to turn up punctually at +the rendezvous. + + * * * * * + +In the Standarak-Landholm Fjord--thank heavens. + +Heavens! we have had a time. We were still two hundred and fifty miles +from the coast when we were caught by the gale. And a gale up here is a +gale, and no second thoughts about it. To say it blew with the force of +ten thousand devils is to understate the case. The sea came on to us in +huge foaming rollers like waves of attacking infantry intent on +overwhelming us. + +We struggled east at about three knots. But she stuck it magnificently. +Low scudding clouds obscured the sky and came like a procession of +ghosts from the north-east. Sun observations were impossible for two +reasons. Firstly, no one could get on deck; secondly, there was no +visible sun. This lasted for three days, at the end of which time we +had only the vaguest idea as to where we were. + +The gale then blew out, but, contrary to all expectations, was +succeeded by a most abominable fog, thick and white like cotton-wool. +These were hardly ideal conditions under which to close a rocky and +unknown coast, but it had to be done. The trouble was that it was +entirely useless taking soundings, as the twenty-metre depth-line on +the chart went right up to the land. We crept slowly eastwards, till, +when by dead reckoning we were ten miles inside the coast, the +Navigator accidentally leant on the whistle lever; this action on his +part probably saved the ship, as an immediate echo answered the blast. +In an instant we were going full-speed astern. We altered course +sixteen points and proceeded ten miles westerly, where we lay on and +off the coast all night, cursing the fog. + +Next day it lifted, and we spent the whole time trying to find the +entrance to the S. Landholm Fjord. The coast appeared to bear no +resemblance to the chart whatsoever. + +The cliffs stand up to a height of several hundred metres, with +occasional clefts where a stream runs down. There are no trees, houses, +animals, or any signs of life, except sea birds, of which there are +myriads. The Engineer declares he saw a reindeer, but five other people +on deck failed to see any signs of the beast. + +After hours of nosing about, during which my heart was in my mouth, as +I quite expected to fetch up on a pinnacle rock, items which are +officially described in the Handbook as being "very numerous," we +rounded a bluff and got into a place which seems to answer the +description of S. Landholm. At any rate, it is a snug anchorage, and +here I intend to remain for a few days, and hope for my store-ship to +turn up. + +I've posted a daylight look-out on top of the bluff; it would be very +awkward to be caught unawares in this place, which is only about 150 +metres wide in places. + +I'm taking advantage of the rest to give the crew some exercises and +execute various minor repairs to the Diesels. + + * * * * * + +Yesterday we fought what must be one of the most remarkable single-ship +actions of the war. + +At 9 a.m. the look-out on the cliffs reported smoke to the northward. + +I got the anchor up and made ready to push off, but still kept the +look-out ashore. At 9.30 he reported a destroyer in sight, which seemed +serious if she chose to look into my particular nook. + +At any rate, I thought, I wouldn't be caught like a rat, so I got my +look-out on board--a matter of ten minutes--and then proceeded out, +trimmed down and ready for diving. + +When I drew clear of the entrance I saw the enemy distant about a +thousand metres. I at once recognized her as being one of the oldest +type of Russian torpedo boats afloat. When I established this fact, a +devil entered into my mind, and did a most foolhardy act. + +I decided that I would not retreat beneath the sea, but that I would +fight her as one service ship to another. + +When I make up my mind, I do so in no uncertain manner--indecision is +abhorrent to me--and I sharply ordered, "Gun's Crew--Action." + +I can still see the comical look of wonderment which passed over my +First Lieutenant's face, but he knows me, and did not hesitate an +instant. We drilled like a battleship, and in sixty-five seconds--I +timed it as a matter of interest--from my order we fired the first +shot. It fell short. + +Extraordinary to relate, the torpedo boat, without firing a gun, put +her helm hard over, and started to steam away at her full speed, which +I suppose was about seventeen knots. + +I actually began to chase her--a submarine chasing a torpedo boat! It +was ludicrous. + +With broad smiles on their faces, my good gun's crew rapidly fired the +gun, and we had the satisfaction of striking her once, near her after +funnel, but it did no vital damage, as a few minutes afterwards she +drew out of range! What a pack of incompetent cowards! + +They never fired a shot at us. I suppose half of them were drunk or +else in a state of semi-mutiny, for one hears strange tales of affairs +in Russia these days. + +The whole incident was quite humorous, but I realized that I had hardly +been wise, as without doubt the English will hear of this, and these +trawlers of theirs will turn up, and I'm certainly not going to try any +heroics with John Bull, who is as tough a fighter as we are. + +Meanwhile, what of the supply ship, for I'm supposed to meet her here, +and it's already twenty-four hours since yesterday's epoch-making +battle and I expect the English any moment. + + * * * * * + +My doubts were removed for me since I received special orders at noon +by high-power wireless from Nordreich, and on decoding them found that, +for some reason or other, we are ordered to proceed to Muckle Flugga +Cape, and thence down the coast of Shetlands to the Fair Island +Channel, where we are directed to cruise till further orders. Special +warning is included as to encountering friendly submarines. + +It appears to me that a special concentration of U-boats is being +ordered round about the Orkneys, and that some big scheme is on hand. + +We are now steering south-westerly to make Muckle Flugga, which I hope +to do in four days' time if the weather holds. + +These Northern waters have proved very barren of shipping in the last +few weeks, and this fact, coupled with the approaching winter weather, +which must be fiendish in these latitudes, makes me quite ready to +exchange the Archangel billet for the work round the Orkneys and +Shetlands, though this is damnable enough in the winter, in all +conscience. + +There is only one fly in the ointment, and that is that this premature +return to North Sea waters might conceivably mean a visit to Zeebrugge, +though this class are not likely to be sent there. + +Though it is many weeks since I left Zoe, I have not been able to +forget her. I continually wonder what she is doing, and often when I am +not on my guard she wanders into my thoughts. + +Whilst I am up here, it does not matter much, except that it causes me +unhappiness, but if I found myself at Bruges it would be very hard. +However, I don't suppose I shall ever see her again. + + * * * * * + +Sighted Muckle Flugga this morning, and shaped course for Fair Island. + + * * * * * + +Oh! what a hell I have passed through. I can hardly realize that I am +alive, but I am, though whether I shall be to-morrow morning is +doubtful--it all depends on the weather, and who would willingly stake +their life on North Sea weather at this time of the year? + +Curses on the man who sent us to the Fair Island Channel. Where the +devil is our Intelligence Service? If we make Flanders I have a story +to tell that will open their eyes, blind bats that they are, +luxuriating in the comfort of their fat staff jobs ashore. + +The Fair Island Channel is an English death-trap; it stinks with death. +By cursed luck we arrived there just as the English were trying one of +their new devices, and it is the devil. Exactly what the system is, I +don't quite know, and I hope never again to have to investigate it. + +For forty-seven, hours we have been hunted like a rat, and now, with +the pressure hull leaking in three places, and the boat half full of +chlorine, we are struggling back on the surface, practically incapable +of diving at least for more than ten minutes at a time. Even on the +surface, with all the fans working, one must wear a gas mask to +penetrate the fore compartment. Oh! these English, what devils they +are! + +Here is what happened: + +Fair Island was away on our port beam when we sighted a large English +trawler, which I suspected of being a patrol. To be on the safe side, I +dived and proceeded at twenty metres for about an hour. + +At 5 p.m. (approximately) I came up to periscope depth to have a look +round, but quickly dived again as I discovered a trawler, steering on +the same course as myself, about a thousand metres astern of me. This +was the more disconcerting, as in the short time at my disposal it +seemed to me that she was remarkably similar to the craft I had seen in +the afternoon, and yet this hardly seemed likely, as I did not think +she could have sighted me then. + +On diving, I altered course ninety degrees, and proceeded for half an +hour at full speed, then altered another ninety degrees, in the same +direction as the previous alteration, and diving to thirty metres I +proceeded at dead slow. By midnight I had been diving so much that I +decided to get a charge on the batteries before dawn; I also wanted to +be up at 1 a.m. to make my position report. + +I surfaced after a good look round through the right periscope, which, +as usual, revealed nothing. I had hardly got on the bridge, when a +flash of flame stabbed the night on the starboard beam and a shell +moaned just overhead. + +I crash-dived at once, but could not get under before the enemy fired a +second shot at us, which fortunately missed us. As we dived I ordered +the helm hard a starboard, to counteract the expected depth-charge +attack. We must have been a hundred and fifty metres from the first +charge and a little below it, five others followed in rapid succession, +but were further away, and we suffered no damage beyond a couple of +broken lights. The situation was now extremely unpleasant. I did not +dare venture to the surface, and thus missed my 1 a.m. signal from +Headquarters. I wanted a charge badly, and so proceeded at the lowest +possible speed. At regular intervals our enemy dropped one depth-charge +somewhere astern of us, but these reports always seemed the same +distance away. + +At dawn I very cautiously came up to periscope depth, and had a look. +To my consternation I discovered our relentless pursuer about 1,500 +metres away on the port quarter. In some extraordinary manner he had +tracked us during the night. + +I dived and altered course through ninety degrees to south. + +At 9 a.m. a tremendous explosion shook the boat from stem to stern, +smashing several lights, and giving her a big inclination up by the +bow. + +As I was only at twenty metres I feared the boat would break surface, +and our enemy was evidently very nearly right over us. I at once +ordered hard to dive, and went down to the great depth of ninety-five +metres. + +A series of shattering explosions somewhere above us showed that we +were marked down, and we were only saved from destruction by our great +depth, the English charges being set apparently to about thirty metres. + +At noon the situation was critical in the extreme. My battery density +was down to 1,150, the few lamps that I had burning were glowing with a +faint, dull red appearance, which eloquently told of the falling +voltage and the dying struggles of the battery. + +The motors with all fields out were just going round. The faces of the +crew, pallid with exhaustion, seemed of an ivory whiteness in the dusky +gloom of the boat, which never resembled a gigantic and fantastically +ornamental coffin so closely as she did at that time. + +The air was fetid. I struck a match; it went out in my fingers. The +slightest effort was an agony. I bent down to take off my sea-boots, +and cold sweat dropped off my forehead, and my pulse rose with a kind +of jerk to a rapid beating, like a hammer. + +I left one sea-boot on. + +At 1 p.m. a deputation of the crew came aft, and in whispered voices +implored me to surface the boat and make a last effort on the surface. +A muffled report, as our implacable enemy dropped a depth-charge +somewhere astern of us, added point to the conversation, and showed me +that our appearance on the surface could have but one end. + +At 3 p.m. the second coxswain, who was working the hydroplanes, fell +off his stool in a dead faint. + +At 3.30 p.m. the supreme crisis was reached: two more men fainted, and +I realized that if I did not surface at once I might find the crew +incapable of starting the Diesels. + +At the order "Surface," a feeble cheer came from the men. + +We surfaced, and I dragged myself-up to the conning tower. Luckily we +started the Diesels with ease, and in a few minutes gusts of beautiful +air were circulating through the boat. + +Meanwhile, what of the enemy? I had half expected a shell as soon as we +came up, and it was with great anxiety that I looked round. We had been +slightly favoured by fortune in that the only thing in sight was a +trawler away on the port beam. It was our hunter. + +I trimmed right down, hoping to avoid being seen, as it was essential +to stay on the surface and get some amperes into the battery. I also +altered course away from him. + +It was about 5 p.m. that I saw two trawlers ahead, one on each bow. By +this time the boat's crew had quite recovered, but I did not wish to +dive, as the battery was still pitiably low. I gradually altered course +to north-east, but after half an hour's run I almost ran on top of a +group of patrols in the dusk. + +I crash-dived, and they must have seen me go down, as a few minutes +later the boat was violently shaken by a depth-charge. + +We were at twenty metres, still diving at the time. I consulted the +chart, but could find no bottoming ground within fifty miles, a +distance which was quite beyond my powers. + +At 11 p.m. I simply had to come up again and get a charge on the +batteries. + +From 7 p.m. to 10 p.m., at regular half-hourly intervals, a +depth-charge had gone off somewhere within a radius of two miles of me. +Needless to say, I was only crawling along at about one knot and +altering course frequently. What was so terrible was the patent fact +that the patrols in this area had evidently got some device which +enabled them to keep in continual touch with me to a certain extent. + +These monotonous and regular depth-charges seemed to say: "We know, Oh! +U-boat, that we are somewhere near you, and here is a depth-charge just +to tell you that we haven't lost you yet." [1] + +[Footnote 1: Karl was quite right; it is evident that he had the +misfortune to encounter one of our new hydrophone-hunting groups, just +started In the Fair Island Channel. The incident of the depth-charges +every half-hour was known as "Tickling up." Probably the patrol only +heard faint noises from him.--ETIENNE.] + +As an hour had elapsed since the last depth-charge, I felt fairly happy +at coming up, and on making the surface I was delighted to find a +pitch-black night and a considerable sea. From 10 p.m. to 1 a.m. I +actually had three hours of peace, and in this period I managed to cram +a considerable amount of stuff into the batteries. The densities were +rising nicely and all seemed well, when I did what I now see was a very +foolish thing. + +I made my 1 a.m. wireless report to Nordreich, in which I requested +orders at 3 a.m. and reported my position, together with the fact that +I had been badly hunted. + +In twenty-five minutes they were on me again! I had most idiotically +assumed that the English had no directional wireless in these parts. +They have. They've got everything that they have ever tried up there; +it was concentrated in that infernal Fair Island Channel. + +I was only saved by seeing a destroyer coming straight at me, +silhouetted against, the low-lying crescent of a new moon. When I dived +she was about six hundred metres away. As I have confessed to doing a +foolish thing, I give myself the pleasure of recording a cleverer move +on my part. I anticipated depth-charge attack as a matter of course, +but instead of going down to twenty-five metres, I kept her at twelve. + +The depth-charges came all right, seven smashing explosions, but, as I +had calculated, they were set to go off at about thirty metres, and so +were well below me. + +The boat was thrown bodily up by one, and I think the top of the +conning tower must have broken surface, but there was little danger of +this being seen in the prevailing water conditions. + + * * * * * + +I have just had to stop recording my experiences of the past +forty-eight hours, as the Navigator, who is on watch, sent down a +message to say that smoke was in sight. + +The next hour was full of anxiety, but by hauling off to port we +managed to lose it. I then had a little food, and I will now conclude +my account before trying again to get some sleep. + + + + +_The account continued._ + + +All my hopes of getting up again that night, both for the purpose of +charging and of getting the 3 a.m. signal, were doomed to be +disappointed, as the hydrophone operator kept on reporting the noise of +destroyers overhead. Occasional distant thuds seemed to indicate a +never-ending supply of depth-charges, but they were about four or five +miles from me. Perhaps some other unfortunate devil was going through +the fires of hell. + +At daylight on the second day my position was still miserable. The +battery was getting low again, the sea had gone down, and when I put my +periscope up at 9 a.m. the horizon seemed to be ringed with patrols. I +felt as if I was in an invisible net, and though I endeavoured to +conceal my apprehension from the crew, I could see from the listless +way they went about their duties that they realized that once again we +were near the end of our resources. + +All the forenoon we crept along at thirty metres, until the tension was +broken at 1 p.m. by a furious depth-charge attack. In some +extraordinary way they had located me again and closed in upon me. The +first charges were some little distance off, and as they got closer a +feeling of desperation overcame me, and I seriously contemplated ending +the agony by surfacing and fighting to the last with my gun. + +Curiously enough, the procedure that I adopted was the exact opposite. +I decided to dive deep. I went down to 114 metres. At this exceptional +depth, three rivets in the pressure hull began to leak, and jets of +water with the rigidity of bars of iron shot into the boat. I held on +for five minutes, which was sufficient to save me from the depth-charge +attack, though two which went off almost above me broke some lamps. I +then came up to twenty metres and slowly crawled on. Throughout the +long afternoon, though we were not directly attacked again, I heard +depth-charges on several occasions sufficiently close to me to +demonstrate that these implacable and tireless devils had an idea of +the area I was in. + +By a supreme effort, working one motor at the only speed it would go, +viz., "Dead slow," I managed to squeeze out the battery until I +estimated it must be dusk. + +There was only one thing to do--I surfaced. It was not as dark as I had +hoped, and I saw a fairly large sloop-like vessel, about eight thousand +metres away, on the port beam. She must have seen me simultaneously, as +the flash of a gun darted from her, the shell falling short. + +I couldn't dive; there seemed only one thing to do: fight and then die. +I ordered the gun's crew up, and the unequal duel began. We were going +full speed on the Diesels, and my course was east by north. A good deal +of water and spray was flying over the gun, and my crew had little hope +of doing much accurate shooting, but I have often found that when one +is being fired at there is nothing so comforting as the sound of one's +own gun. + +Our enemy was armed with two large guns, fifteen centimetres or over, +but had no speed, a discovery which raised my hopes again. It was soon +evident that, provided we were not heading for another patrol, if we +could survive ten minutes' shelling, we should be saved for the time +being by the fading light, which was evidently causing our enemy +increasing difficulties, as his shots alternated between very short and +very much over. + +I was actually congratulating the Navigator on our escape, and I had +just told the gun's crew to cease firing at the blurred outlines on the +port quarter from which the random shells still came, when there was a +sheet of yellow flame and a jar which threw me against the signalman. +The latter had been standing near the conning-tower hatch, and +unfortunately I knocked him off his balance, and he fell with a thud +into the upper conning tower. He had the good fortune to escape with a +couple of ribs broken, but when I recovered myself and got to my feet, +far worse consequences met my eyes. + +By the worst of ill-luck, a shell which must have been fired +practically at random had hit the gun just below the port trunnion. + +The result of the explosion was very severe. Four of the seven men at +the gun had been blown overboard, the breech worker was uninjured, +though from the way he swayed about it was evident that he was dazed, +and I expected to see him fall over the side at any moment. The +remaining two men were as dead as horse-flesh. + +The material damage was even more serious. The gun had been practically +thrown out of its cradle, but in the main the trunnion blocks had held +firm, and the whole pedestal had been carried over to starboard. + +The really terrible effects of this injury were not apparent at first +sight, but I soon realized them, for an hour later (we had shaken off +the sloop) I saw red flame on the horizon, which plainly indicated +flaming at the funnel from some destroyer doubtless looking for us at +high speed. + +I dived, intending to surface again as soon as possible. With this +intention in my head, I did not go below the upper conning tower. We +had barely got to ten metres, when loud cries from below and the +disquieting noise of rushing water told me that something was wrong. I +blew all tanks, surfaced, left the First Lieutenant on watch and went +below. + +There were five centimetres of water on the battery boards, and I +understood at once that we could never dive again. + +For the pedestal of the gun, in being forced over, had strained the +longitudinal seam of the pressure hull, to which it is bolted, and a +shower of water had come through as soon as we got under. + +It might have been hoped that this was enough, but no! our cup was not +yet full. Chlorine gas suddenly began to fill the fore-end. The salt +water running down into the battery tanks had found acid, and though I +ordered quantities of soda to be put down into the tank, it became, and +still is at the moment of writing, impossible to move forward of the +conning tower without putting on a gas mask and oxygen helmet. So we +are helpless, and at the mercy of any little trawler, or even the +weather. + +We have no gun; we cannot dive. The English must know that they have +hit us, and every hour I expect to see the hull of a destroyer climb +over the horizon astern. + +We are fortunate in two respects: in that for the time being the +weather seems to promise well, and our Diesels are thoroughly sound. + +We are ordered to Zeebrugge--I could have wished elsewhere for many +reasons, but it does not matter, as I cannot believe we are intended to +escape. + +I feel I would almost welcome an enemy ship, it would soon be over; but +this uncertainty and anxiety drags on for hour after hour--and now I +cannot sleep, though I haven't slept properly for over seventy hours. I +am so worn out that my body screams for sleep, but it is denied to me, +and so, lest I go mad, I write; it is better to do this, though my eyes +ache and the letters seem to wriggle, than to stand up on the bridge +looking for the smoke of our enemies, or to lie in my bunk and count +the revolutions of the Diesels; thousands of thousands of thudding +beats, one after the other, relentless hammer strokes. + +I have endured much. + + + + +_NOTE BY ETIENNE_ + + +_A break occurs in Karl von Schenk's diary at this juncture. Fortunately +the main outlines of the story are preserved owing to Zoe's long +letter, which was in a small packet inside the cover of the second +notebook. Zoe's letter will be reproduced in this book in its proper +chronological position, but in order to save the reader the trouble of +reading the book from the letter back to this point, a brief summary of +what took place is given here. The entries in his diary which follow +the words "I have endured much," are very meagre for a period which +seems to have been about a month in length. There is no further mention +of the latter stages of Karl's passage in the wrecked boat to +Zeebrugge, so it is presumed that he made that port without further +adventure. He was evidently on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and +appears to have been suffering from very severe insomnia. He had been +hunted for two days, during which he was perpetually on the verge of +destruction, and the cumulative effect of such an experience is bound +to leave its mark on the strongest man. When he got back to Zeebrugge +he must have been at the end of his tether, and whether by chance or +design it was when Karl was, as he would have said, "at a low mental +ebb" that Zoe made her last and successful attack upon his resolution +not to see her again unless she consented to marry him. It is plain +from her letter that when he left her after the stormy interview in +which he vowed never to see her again, Zoe did not lose hope. She seems +to have kept herself _au courant _with his movements, and actually to +have known when he was expected in. + +We know that she had many friends amongst the officers, and it is +probable that from one of these she was able to get information about +Karl's movements. + +Bruges was probably a hot-bed of U-boat gossip, and, not unlike the +conditions at certain other Naval ports during the war, the ladies were +often too well informed. At any rate it appears that Zoe rushed to see +Karl directly he arrived at Bruges, and found him a mental and physical +wreck, suffering from acute insomnia. + +With the impetuous vigour which evidently guided most of her actions, +she took complete charge of Karl, and, as he was due for four days' +leave, she whisked him off to the forest. + +Karl may have protested, but was probably in no state to wish to do so. +At her shooting-box in the forest Zoe achieved her desire, and the +stubborn struggle between the lovers ended in victory for the woman. +There is an entry in Karl's diary which may refer to this period; he +simply says, "Slept at last! Oh, what a joy!" + +If this entry was written in the forest, it seemed as if Karl had been +unable to sleep until Zoe carried him off to the forest peace of her +shooting-box and surrounded him with the atmosphere of her tender +sympathy. + +There is no evidence of the light in which Karl viewed his defeat, +when, having regained his strength, he was able to take stock of the +changed situation. It is reasonable to suppose that his silence upon +this matter in the pages of his diary is evidence that he was ashamed +of what he must have considered a great act of weakness on his part. + +At all events he realized that he had crossed the Rubicon and that he +had better acquiesce in the_ fait accompli. + +_He seems to have been in harbour for about six weeks, during which he +lived with Zoe, and the lovers enjoyed a brief spell of happiness +before Karl set out on his next trip. + +Karl seems to have found those six weeks very pleasant ones, though his +diary merely contains brief references, such as: "A. day in the country +with Z."; "Z. and I went to the Cavalry dance," and other trivial +entries--of his thoughts there is not a word. + +About the end of 1917 Karl's boat was repaired, and he left for the +Atlantic; and once more resumed full entries in his diary._ + +ETIENNE. + + + + +_Karl's Diary resumed_. + +Sailed at 9 p.m. last night, and we are now seventeen miles off Beachy +Head. The Straits of Dover were frightful; the glare of the acetylene +flares on the barrage showed for miles. Seen from a distance it gave me +the impression of the gates of hell, through which we had to pass. + +I dived, ten miles away, and went through with the tide at a depth of +forty metres. + +Two hours and three quarters of suspense, and at dawn we came up, +having passed safely through the great deathtrap. At the moment there +is nothing in sight, except a little smoke on the horizon. I am going +to dive again till dusk. + +2 _a.m._ + +We are thrashing down the Channel with a south-westerly wind right +ahead. My instructions are to work for two days between the Lizard and +Kinsale Head, and then proceed far out in the Atlantic, where the +convoys are supposed to meet the destroyers. + +That Fair Island Channel experience was enough for a lifetime. Death, +quick, short and sudden, this I am ready for. But torture, slow, long +and drawn-out, is not in the bargain which in this year of grace every +civilized man and half the savages of the world seem to have had to +make with the god Mars. + +As I sit in this steel, cigar-shaped mass of machinery, the question +rings incessantly in my ears: "To what object is all this war directed, +when analysed from the point of view of the individual?" + +It does not satisfy any longing of mine. I have not got a lust for +battle: no one who fights has a lust for battle. Editors of newspapers +and people on General Staffs, possibly also Cabinet Ministers, have +lusts for battles, as long as they arrange the battle and talk about +it afterwards--curse them! + +The only thing I want is to be with Zoe. I want to live and spend long +years with her, enjoying life--this life of which I have spent half +already, and now perhaps it will be taken from me by some other man: +some Englishman who doesn't really want to take my life, reckoned as an +individual. + +Around me in the darkness are the patrol boats, manned by the +Englishmen who are seeking my life. Seeking it, not to gratify their +private emotions, but because we are all in the whirlpool of War and +cannot escape. + +Like an avalanche, it seems to gather strength and speed as it rolls +on, this War of Nations. The world must be mad! I cannot see how it can +ever stop. England will never be defeated at sea. We shall conquer on +land--then what? + +An inconclusive peace. + +Even if we smash this island Empire and gain the dominion of the world, +how will it advantage me? I can see no way in which I can gain. + +It would be said, if any one should read this: _Gott_! what a selfish +point of view--he thinks only of his personal gain, not of his country. + +But, confound it all, I reply, answer me this: + +Do I exist for my country, or does my country exist for me? + +For example, does man live for the sake of the Church, or was the +Church created for man? + +Does not my country exist for my benefit? + +Surely it is so. + +Then again, I am risking my all, my life; I live in danger, +apprehension and great discomfort; I do all these things, and yet if as +a reasonable man I ponder what advantage I am to gain from all these +sacrifices I am adjudged selfish. + +It is all madness; I cannot fathom the meaning of these things. + + * * * * * + +In position on the Bristol line of approach, the weather is bad. + + + + +_At twenty metres._ + + +Once again Death has stretched forth his bony fingers to catch me by +the throat, and only by a chance have I wriggled free. + +Yesterday afternoon at 5 p.m. we sighted a small steamer flying Spanish +colours and steering for Cardiff. The weather was choppy, but not too +bad, and I decided to exercise the gun's crew, though I did not think +there would be much doing, as the Spaniards soon give in. + +I opened fire at six thousand metres, and pitched a shell ahead of her +and ran up the signal to heave-to. The wretched little craft paid no +attention, and continued on her lumbering course. I suspected the +presence of an Englishman on her bridge, and determined to hit. + +This we did with our sixth shot, and she stopped dead and wallowed in +the trough, with clouds of steam pouring out of her engine-room; we had +evidently got the engine-room. + +As we closed her, it was evident that a tremendous panic was taking +place on board. The port sea boat was being launched, but one fall +broke and the occupants fell into the water. My Navigator begged me to +give her another, which I did, and hit her right aft. Two boatloads of +gesticulating individuals now appeared from the shelter of her lee side +and began pulling wildly away from the ship. + +The Navigator, whose eyes were dancing with excitement, was very keen +to play with them by spraying the water with machine-gun bullets; but +it seemed to me to be waste of ammunition, and I would not permit it. + +Meanwhile we had approached to within about four hundred metres of her +port bow. I was debating whether to accelerate her sinking, when I +noticed that a fire had broken out aft, and I became possessed with a +childish curiosity to see the fire being put out as she sank. It was a +kind of contest between the elements. + +As I watched her, I was startled to hear three or four reports from the +region of the fire. + +"Ammunition!" shouted the pilot, with wide-opened eyes. + +In an instant I pressed the diving alarm as I realized our deadly +peril. Fool that I had been, she was a decoy-ship. They must have +realized on board that I had seen through their disguise, for as we +began to move forward, under the motors, a trap-door near her bows fell +down, the white ensign was broken at the fore, and a 4-inch gun opened +fire from the embrasure that was revealed on her side. + +We were fortunate in that our conning tower was already right ahead of +the enemy, and as I dropped down into the conning tower, I saw that as +she could not turn we were safe. + +A few shells plunged harmlessly into the water near our stern, and then +we were under. + +We came up to a periscope depth, and I surveyed her from a position off +her stern. She was sinking fast, but I felt so furious at being nearly +trapped that I could not resist giving her a torpedo; detonation was +complete, and a mass of wreckage shot into the air as the hull of the +ship disappeared. As to the two boats, I left them to make the best +course to land that they could. + +As they were fifty miles off the shore when I left them and it blew +force six a few hours afterwards, I rather think they have joined the +list of "Missing." We are now steering due west to our second position. + + * * * * * + +Received orders last night to return to base forthwith on the north +about route. [1] + +[Footnote 1: This means into the North Sea round Scotland.--] + +I have shaped course to pass fifty miles north of Muckle Flugga; no +more Fair Island Channel for me. + + * * * * * + +Statlandlet in sight, with the Norwegian coast looking very lovely +under the snow--we never saw a ship from north of the Shetlands to this +place, when we saw a light cruiser of the town class steaming +south-west at high speed. + +She had probably been on patrol off this place, where the Inner and +Outer Leads join up and ships have to leave the three-mile limit. + +She was well away from me, and an attack would have been useless. I did +not shed any tears; I have lost much of the fire-eating ideas which +filled my mind when I first joined this service. + + * * * * * + +We are due off the mole at 8 p.m. tonight, and my heart leaps with joy +at the thought of seeing my Zoe; already I can almost imagine her +lovely arms round my neck, her face raised to mine, and all the other +wonderful things that make her so glorious in my eyes. + + + + +_NOTE BY ETIENNE_ + + +Before quoting the next entry in Karl's journal it is necessary to +explain the situation which confronted him when he arrived in +Zeebrugge. In his absence, his beloved Zoe had been arrested as an +Allied Agent, and she was tried for espionage within a day or two of +his arrival. There is no record of how he heard the news, and the blow +he sustained was probably so terrible that whilst there was yet hope he +felt no desire to write; but, as will be seen, there came a time when +he turned to his journal as the last friend that remained to him. It is +a curious fact that, with the exception of an entry at the beginning of +this journal, Karl makes little mention of his mother and home at +Frankfurt. Though he does not say so, it seems possible that his mother +had heard of his entanglement with Zoe, and a barrier had risen between +them; this suggestion gains strength from the fact that in his blackest +moments of despair he never seems to consider the question of turning +to Frankfurt for sympathy. Interest is naturally aroused as to the +details of Zoe's trial. The available material consists solely of the +long letter she wrote to him from Bruges jail. It may be that one day +the German archives of the period of occupation will reveal further +details. Information on the subject is possibly at the disposal of the +British Intelligence Service, but this would be kept secret. All we +know on the matter is derived from the letter, which has been preserved +inside the second volume of Karl's diary. + +There seems no doubt that she was caught red-handed, but to say more +would be to anticipate her own words. + +It was a matter of some difficulty to know where best to introduce +Zoe's letter, but with a view to securing as much continuity of thought +in the story as possible it has been decided to quote it at this +juncture, although he did not receive it until after he had made the +entry in the journal which will be quoted directly after the letter. + +I would like to appeal to any reader who may happen to be engaged in +administrative or reconstructive work in Belgium, to communicate with +me, care of Messrs. Hutchinson, should he handle any papers dealing +with Zoe's trial. + +_ETIENNE_. + + + + +ZOE'S LETTER + + +MY BEST BELOVED, + +When you get this letter cease to sorrow for what will have happened, +for I shall be at rest, and in peace at last, freed from a world in +which I have known bitter sorrow and, until you came into my life, but +little joy. + +For these past months I am grateful to God, if such a being exists and +regulates the conduct of a world gone mad. + +For in a few hours I am to die. + +It is harder for you than for me; one moment of agony I suffered, a +moment that seemed to last a century, when, amidst the sea of faces +that swam in a confused mass before me at the trial, I saw your eyes +and the torture that you were suffering. When I saw your eyes I knew +that the President had said I must die. I am glad that I was told this +by you, the only one amongst all these men who loved me. I suppose the +President spoke; I never heard him, but I saw your eyes and I knew. + +My darling, it was cruel of you to come, cruel to me and cruel to +yourself, but I loved you for being there; it showed me that up till +the last you would stand by me, and until you read this you cannot know +all the facts. That to you, as to the others, I must have seemed a +woman spy and that nevertheless you stood by me, is to me a +recollection of unsurpassable sweetness, compared with which all other +thoughts of you fade into insignificance. + +Know now, oh, well beloved, that I was not unworthy of your love. + +I have a story to tell you, and I have such a little time left that I +must write quickly. The priest who has been with me comes again an hour +before the dawn, and he has promised to deliver these my last words of +love into your hands. + +My real name is Zoe Xenia Olga Sbeiliez, and I was born twenty-nine +years ago at my father's country house at Inkovano, near Koniesfol. I +am Polish; at least, my father was, and my mother comes from the Don +country. There was a day when my father's ancestors were Princes in +Poland. Poor Poland was torn by the vultures of Europe, just as your +countrymen, my Karl, are tearing poor Belgium and France, and so my +family lost estates year by year, and my grandfather is buried +somewhere in the dreary steppes of Siberia because he dared to be a +Polish patriot. + +My father bowed before the storm, and under my mother's influence he +never became mixed up with politics. Thus he lived on his estates at +Inkovano, and nursed them for my younger brother, Alexandrovitch, the +child of his old age. Alex would be nineteen now, had he lived. The +estates were large as these things go in Western Europe, but they were +but a garden as compared with the lands held by my great-grandfather, +Boris Sbeiliez. + +My father had a dream, and he dreamed this dream from the day Alex was +born to the day they both died in each other's arms. + +My father dreamt that one day the Tsars would soften their heart to +Poland, and raise her up from the dust to a place amongst the nations, +and my father dreamt that Alexandrovitch Sbeiliez would become a leader +of Poland, as his ancestors had been before him. And so my father +nursed his estates and pinched and saved, in preparation for the day +when his beautiful dream should come true. + +[Illustration: "A trapdoor near her bows fell down, the White Ensign +was broken at the fore, and a 4-inch gun opened fire from the embrasure +that was revealed on her side."] + +[ILLUSTRATION: "I sighted two convoys, but there were destroyers +there...."] + +My poor idealistic father never realized, oh, my Karl, that when one +wants a thing one must fight--to the death. Alex was the apple of his +eye, but I was much loved by my mother; perhaps she dreamed a dream +about me--I know not, but she determined that I should have all that +was necessary. Paris, Berlin, Munich, Dresden, and a season in London, +then I came home at twenty-one, perfectly educated according to the +world, beautiful according to men, and dressed according to Paris. But +I was only to find out how little I knew. My mother and I used to take +a house in Warsaw for the season, and I met many notable men and women. +In these days I, also, thought I could do something for Poland, but +after two or three seasons I found that I, too, was only dreaming idle +dreams. Oh! my beloved, beware of dreaming idle dreams. + +Listen! I once met the Prime Minister of all Russia at a reception. I +captivated him, and thought, now! now! I shall do something. + +I sat next to him at dinner; I talked of Poland--and I knew my +subject--I talked brilliantly; he listened, he hung on my words, and +he, the Prime Minister of all Russia, the Tsar's right-hand man, asked +me to drive with him next day in his sledge. I, an almost unknown +Polish girl! + +When I accepted, I was in the seventh heaven of delight. + +Next day he called and we set forth; at a deserted spot in the woods +near Warsaw he tried to kiss me--I struck him in the face with the butt +of his own whip. + +That was why he had hung on my words, that was why he had taken me for +my drive; it was my Polish body that interested _him_--not Poland. + +The Prime Minister of Russia was confined to his room for two days, +"owing to an indisposition." How I laughed when I saw the bulletin in +the paper, signed by two doctors, but it taught me a lesson; I never +dreamt idle dreams again. + +No, I am wrong, my beloved. I dreamt an idle dream, a lovely dream +about you and I. An after-the-war dream, if this war should ever end, +but like other dreams it has ended--in dreams. + +But I must hurry, for my little watch tells me that one hour of my five +has gone, and I have much to say. + +I could have married, and married brilliantly, but Poland held me back. +I did not know what I could do for my country, it all seemed so +hopeless, and yet I felt that perhaps one day ... and I felt I ought to +be single when that day came. + +It was not easy, my Karl, sometimes it was hard; one man there was, +Sergius was his Christian name; he loved me madly, and sometimes I +thought--but no matter, he is dead now, killed at Tannenberg, and +I--well, I will tell you more of my story. + +When the war broke out and clouded over that last beautiful summer in +1914 (I wonder will there ever be another like it in your lifetime, my +Karl? No, I don't think it can ever be quite the same after all this!), +we were all in the country. Alex was back from his school in Petrograd, +and my father kept him at home for the autumn term. + +How well I remember the excitement, the mobilization, the blessing of +the colours, the wave of patriotism which swept over the country; even +I, under the influence of the specious proclamations that were issued +broadcast by the Government, with their promises of reform, and redress +for Poland after the war was over, felt more Russian than Polish. Lies! +Lies! Lies! that was what the Government promises were, my Karl. + +Under the stress of war the rottenness of that great whited sepulchre, +Russia, feared the revival of the Polish spirit; it might have been +awkward, and so they lied with their tongues in their cheeks, and we +simple Poles believed them; the peasantry flocked to their depots, +little knowing whom they fought, but the proclamations which were read +to them told them they fought for Poland, and we women worked and +prayed for the success of Russian arms. + +Then the tide of war swept westward, and all day long and every day the +troops, and the guns and the motor-cars and the wagons rolled through +the village to the west. + +Guarded hints in the papers seemed to say that all was not well in +France, but France was so far away, and all the time the Russians were +going west through our village. Mighty Russia was putting forth her +strength, and the Austrian debacle was in full swing; these were great +days, my Karl, for a Russian! + +Then one day the long columns of men and all the traffic seemed to +hesitate in the sluggish westward flow, and then it stopped, and then +it began to go east. The weeks went on, and one day, very, very +faintly, there was a rumbling like a distant thunderstorm. It was the +guns! The front was coming back. + +Have you ever seen forest fires, my Karl? We had them every autumn in +our woods. If you have, then you know how all the small animals and the +birds, the rabbits and the foxes, and perhaps a wolf or two, and the +deer, and the thrushes and the linnets come out from the shelter of the +trees, fleeing blindly from the great peril, anxious only to save their +lives. So it was when the front came back. Herds of moujiks, the old +men, the women, the children, the poor little babies, struggled blindly +eastwards through the village. + +Pushing their miserable household gods on handcarts, or staggering +along with loads on their backs, and weary children dragging at their +arms, the human tide flowed eastwards, round our house, begged perhaps +a drink of water, and then wandered feverishly onwards. + +They knew not in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred where they were +going; their only destination was summed up in the words, "Away from +the Front"--away from the ominous rumbling which began to get louder, +away from that western horizon which was beginning to have a lurid glow +at nights, like a sunset prolonged to dawn. + +Then, as the Germans advanced more and more, the character of the tide +changed, the civilian element was outnumbered by the military. +Companies, battalions, brigades, sometimes in good order, sometimes in +no order, marched through the village. They would often halt for a +short time, and the officers would come up to the house, where my +mother and I gave them what we could. My father lived amongst his books +and accounts, and bemoaned the extravagance of the war. Then there were +the deserters, the stragglers, the walking wounded, the--but you know, +my Karl, what an army in retreat means. + +I must proceed with my story, for time moves relentlessly on. + +One day a desperately wounded officer, a young Lieutenant of the Guard, +a boy of twenty-five, was taken out of a motor ambulance to die. + +The ambulance had stopped opposite our gates, and lying on his +stretcher he had seen our garden, my garden. He knew he was to die, and +he had begged with tears in his eyes to the doctor that he might be +left in the garden. + +Who could refuse him? + +He died within two hours, amongst our flowers, with Alex and I at his +side. + +Before he died, he begged us, implored us, almost ordered us, to move +east before it was too late. + +We repeated his arguments to my father, but the latter was obdurate, +and he swore that a regiment of angels would not move him from his +ancestral home. So we made up our minds to stay. + +Things got worse and worse, and one day shells fell in the grounds and +we hid in the cellars. That night all our servants ran away, and my +father cursed them for cowards. Next day in the early morning we heard +machine guns fire outside the village, and then all was still. + +At six o'clock Alex, white-faced, came running into the house. He had +been down to the gates and he had seen the enemy. They were drunk, he +said, and going down the street firing the houses and shooting the +people as they came out. + +It seemed impossible and yet it was true. It was growing dark, when we +heard shouts and saw lights, and from the top of the house I saw a +crowd of singing and shouting soldiers, with pine torches, half +running, half walking up the drive. + +They massed in a body opposite the house. Paralysed with terror, I +looked down on the scene, and shuddered to see that every second man +seemed to have a bottle. One of them fired a shot at the house, and +next I remember a flood of light on the drive, and, in the circle of +light, my father standing with hand raised. What my father intended can +never be known, for, as he paused and faced the mob, a solitary shot +rang out, and he fell in a huddled heap. + +As he fell, a boyish voice from the door shouted "Murderers!" It was +Alex. With his little pistol I had given him for a birthday present in +his hand, he ran forward and, standing over my father's body, head +thrown back, he pointed his pistol at the mob and fired twice. A man +dropped, there was a flash of steel, the crowd surged forward, +and--and, oh! my Karl, they had murdered my beloved brother, my darling +Alex. + +The next moment they were in the house. I escaped from my window on to +the roof of the dairy, and from there down a water-pipe, across the +yard to an old hay-loft. For a long time they ran in and out of the +house, like ants, looting and pillaging; then there was a great shout, +and for some time not a soul came out of the house. I guessed they had +got into the cellars. At about midnight I saw that the house was on +fire. In a few minutes it was an inferno and the drunken soldiers came +pouring out, firing their rifles in all directions. + +I had found a piece of rope in the loft. One end I placed on a hook and +the other round my neck. I was close to the upper doors of the loft, +with a drop to the courtyard, and thus I stayed, for I feared that some +soldier, more sober than the rest, might explore the outhouses and find +me. I was watching this unearthly spectacle, and never, my best +beloved, did I conceive that man could become lower than the beasts, +but before my eyes it was so, when I noticed that the great gates at +the southern end of the courtyard were opening. As they opened I saw +that beyond them were drawn up a line of men. An officer gave an order, +and two machine guns were placed in position in the gate entrance; +round the guns lay their crews, and the seething mass of revellers saw +nothing. I felt that a fearful tragedy was impending, and as I held my +breath with anxiety the officer gave a short, sharp movement with his +hand and a hideous rattle rose above all noises. The pandemonium that +ensued was indescribable. Some ran helplessly into the burning house, +others ran round and round in circles, others tried to get into the +dairy; one man got upon its roof and fell back dead as soon as his head +appeared above the outer wall. The place was surrounded. It was +horrible. A few tried to rush for the gate, they melted away like snow +before the sun, as their bodies met the pitiless stream of bullets. I +suppose two hundred men were killed in as many seconds. The machine +guns ceased fire. Ambulance parties came into the yard, collected the +dead and living, and within half an hour there was not a soul save +myself in the place. Discipline had received its oblation of men's +lives. + +As an example, it was one of the most wonderful things I have ever +known in your wonderful army, my Karl, but it was terrible--terribly +cruel. + +I never knew what became of my mother, though I feel she is +dead--murdered, perhaps, like my father and my darling Alex, or perhaps +she hid somewhere in the house and remained petrified with terror till +the flames came. Next morning I left my hiding-place and walked about. +Not a German was to be seen, but in the wood was a huge newly-made +grave. It was all open warfare then, and this flying column, which was +miles in advance of the main body, had moved on. The house was a +smoking mass of ruins, but the farm buildings had been spared, and I +let out all the poor animals and turned them into the woods, so that +they might have their chance. + +All day I searched for my father and brother, but not a sign was to be +seen, and at dusk I stood alone, faint and broken, amongst the ruins of +my ancestors' home. As I looked at this scene of desolation and I +contrasted what had been my life twenty-four hours before and what it +was then, something seemed to snap in my brain, and for the first time +I cried. Oh! the blessed relief of those tears, my Karl, for I was a +poor weak, helpless girl, and alone with death and bitterness all round +me. Late that night I hid once more in my hay-loft and next morning I +left Inkovano for ever. Before I left, I made a vow. It is because of +this vow, my beloved, that I am to die. For I vowed by the body of our +Saviour and the murdered bodies of my family that, whilst life was in +me and the war was maintained, for so long would I work unceasingly for +the Allies against Germany. As the war ran its fiery course, I have +seen more and more that the Allies are the only ones who will do +anything for Poland, my beloved country, so have I been strengthened in +my vow. + +I struck south on my feet, as a poor girl--I, the daughter of a +princely family of Poland! No hardships were too great for me, provided +I could reach Allied territory. I travelled from village to village as +a singing girl, and once I was driven away with stones by villagers set +upon me by a fanatical priest. I came by Cracow, and across the +Carpathians, helped to pass the lines by a Hungarian Lieutenant--but I +tricked him of his reward; I was not ready for that sacrifice. Then +across the Hungarian plains to Buda-Pesth, where I remained three weeks, +singing in a third-rate café, to make some money for my next stage. But +I had to leave too soon--the old story!--this time it was the +proprietor's son. What beasts men are, my Karl! And yet to me you are +above all other men, a prince amongst your fellows, and never did I +love you so distractedly as that first night at the shooting-box, when +I read the scorn in your eyes as you rejected me. I have no shame in +telling you this. Am I not already in the grave? And then I must be +silent and can only await your coming. After many struggles, wearisome +to relate, I came to Hermanstadt, and there, whilst pushing my trade as +a dancer, came into touch with a Hungarian band of smugglers, working +across the mountain passes between Eastern Hungary and Roumania. I did +certain work for these men, and in return crossed with them one bitter +night in a thunderstorm into Roumania. At Bukharest I got a good +engagement, and when I had saved a thousand marks, I bought a passport +for five hundred, and came to Serbia, then staggering beneath the great +Austrian offensive. + +Once again I was in the horrors of a retreat, but I escaped, reaching +Valona, and crossed to Brindisi, by the aid of a French officer to whom +I told my story and who believed me. His name is Pierre Lemansour, and +he lives at Bordeaux. + +If fortune places him in your power, be kind to him, my Karl, for your +Zoe's sake. + +I came to Rome; and thence to Paris. I stayed here three weeks, singing +in a cabaret. Whilst here I tried to advance my plans in vain! What +could I, a poor girl, do for the Allies? The Embassy laughed at me, all +except one young attaché who tried to make love to me. + +Then I thought of England--England, and her cold, hard islanders, +phlegmatic in movements, slow to hate, slow to move, but once +roused--ah! they never let go, these islanders! + +One of their poets has said: "The mills of God grind slowly, but they +grind exceeding small." + +That, my Karl, is like England. + +They are your most terrible enemies, and you know it. + +Do not be angry with me when you read this. + +For me it is Poland, for you Germany. + +Where I am going in a few hours there is no Poland, no Germany, no +England, no war. And perhaps, perhaps, no love. + +You and I, Karl, have loved, too well, perchance, but our love was +above even the love of countries. + +God made the love of men and women, then men and women created their +countries. + +I see the future before me, Karl, and I foresee that the struggle will +be at the end of all things, between England and Germany. One will be +in the dust. + +Thus, I crossed to England and was swallowed up in the great city of +London. England has always had a corner of her calculating heart for +the small nations, and in London there is a Polish organization. I +applied there, and one day I was taken to the Foreign Office, and found +myself alone with a great Englishman. His name was--No, I promised, and +it will not matter to you, for though he gave me my chance, I have no +love for him, and he will never be in your power. Even as I write these +words, he has probably taken a list from a locked safe and neatly ruled +a red line through the name Zoe Sbeiliez. I tell you they know +everything, these Englishmen. I told him my story, and then he asked me +whether I was prepared to do all things for the Allies. I told him I +was. He then said that I could go as agent for a back area in Belgium, +and my centre would be Bruges. I agreed, and asked him innocently +enough how I was to live in Bruges. He looked up from his desk and +said: + +"You will be given facilities to cross the Belgium-Holland frontier, as +a German singer." + +"And then?" I asked. + +"You will go to Bruges and make friends with an Army officer; he must +be high up on the staff." + +I guessed what he meant, but hoped against hope, and I said: "How?" + +I can still see his fish-like face, hair brushed back with scrupulous +care, as without a shadow of emotion he looked up, puffed his pipe, and +said in matter-of-fact tones: + +"You have a pretty face and an excellent figure. Need I say more?" + +I could have struck him in the face. I was speechless, my mind a whirl +of conflicting emotions. I was roused by the level tones again. + +"Is it too much--for Poland?" + +Oh! the cunning of the man; he knew my weakness. Mechanically, I +agreed. Certain details were settled, and he pressed a bell. Within +five minutes I was walking back to my lodgings. + +Thanks to a marvellous organization, which your police will never +discover, my Karl, within _three weeks_ I was singing on the Bruges +music-hall stage, and accepted without question as being what I was +not, a German artist from Dantzig. The men were soon round me, but I +had no use for youngsters with money. I wanted a man with information. +At last I found my man--the Colonel. He was on the Headquarters staff +of the XIth Army, the army of occupation in Belgium, when I first met +him. Subsequently he went back to regimental work; but by the time he +was killed (and to realize what a release that meant for me, you would +have had to have lived with him) I had established regular sources of +information concerning which I will say no more. Let your country's +agents find them if they can. This must I say for the Colonel: he was a +brute and a drunkard, but in his own gross way he loved me, and he +licked my boots at my desire, but I had to pay the price. You are a +man, and with all your loving sympathy you can but dimly realize what +this costs a woman. To me it was a dual sacrifice of honour and life, +but it was for Poland, and the memories of my parents and Alex steeled +me and strengthened my resolution, and so, and so, my Karl, I paid the +price. + +My special work was on the military side, and consisted in making +quarterly reports on the general dispositions of large bodies of +troops, the massing of corps for spring offensives, and big pushes and +hammer blows. + +Then you came into my life! When the Colonel used to go away it was my +habit to mix in the demi-mondaine society of Bruges, to try and live a +few hours in which I could forget--oh! don't think the worst! _That_ +sort of thing had no attraction for me. I didn't seek oblivion in that +direction! I had never even kissed anyone in Bruges until I kissed you +that first night we met at dinner--I was attracted to you from the very +first; the Colonel was due back in a few days, and I suddenly felt mad, +and kissed you. I suppose you put me down as one of the usual kind, out +to sell myself at a price varying between a good dinner and the rent of +a flat! You will now know that I had already mortgaged my body to +Poland. + +Then a few days later you will remember we went down for that wonderful +day in the forest, and for the first time, Karl, I began to see that I +was really caring for you, and a faint realization of the dangers and +impossibilities towards which we were drifting crossed my mind. + +Do you remember how silent I was on the drive back? In a fashion, my +Karl, I could foresee dimly a little of what was going to happen. I had +a presentiment that the end would be disaster, but I thrust the idea +away from me. Then came the day, just before one of your trips--oh! the +agony, my darling, of those days, each an age in length, when you were +at sea--when you told me at the flat that you loved me. + +How I longed to throw my arms round your neck and abandon myself to +your embraces, but I was still strong enough in those days to hold back +for both our sakes. + +Each time we were together I loved you more and more, and each time +when you had gone I seemed to see with clearer vision the fatal and +inevitable ending. + +But I refused to give up the first real happiness that had been mine in +my short and stormy life, and so I clung desperately to my idle dream. + +I prayed, I prayed for hours, Karl, that the war might end, for I felt +that in this lay our only hope--but what are one woman's prayers, a +sinful woman's prayers, to the Creator of all things, and the war +ground on in its endless agony just as it does to-night--Karl! Karl! +will this torture ever end? + +But I must hurry, there is still much to tell you, and Time goes on +relentlessly just like the war; it is only life that ends. Then came +the days I took you to the shooting-box for the first time, and that +night I broke down and, unashamed, offered you myself. Think not too +badly of your Zoe, my Karl; when a woman loves as I do, what is +convention? A nothing, a straw on the waters of life. I wanted you for +my own, passionately and desperately, for I feared that any moment the +end might come, and to die without having felt your arms around me +would have added a thousand tortures to death. Though I could have +welcomed death with joy when I saw the look of sorrowful contempt which +you cast upon me that night. Heavens above! but you were strong, my +Karl. I am not ugly, and yet you resisted, and I hated and loved you at +the same time--oh! I know that sounds impossible, but it isn't for a +woman. I slept little that night and, feeling that I could not look you +in the face in the morning, I left for Bruges before you got up. + +I felt that I could trust you not to try and find out the secret of the +shooting-box. + +What a relief it is to be able to tell you everything frankly, and how +I hated the perpetual game of deception which I had to play. + +I used to rack my brains for answers to your perpetual question, "Why +won't you marry me?" It was a desperate risk taking you down to the +forest, but you loved me so much that you never questioned the reasons +I gave you for my secrecy. I can tell you now, Karl, that in the early +days when I used to disappear from Bruges, it was to the shooting-box +that I went. + +But I will write more of that later. + +Did you suffer the same agony as I did before you left for Kiel, and +your pride would not allow you to come to me? You understand now, my +darling, why I could never marry you, and when the Colonel was killed +it became harder than ever. Once during that terrible interview before +you went up the Russian coast, I nearly gave way and promised to marry +you. But how could I? I had sworn my vow, and even to-night, though I +stand in the shadow of death, I do not regret my vow. + +It is inconceivable that I could have married you and carried on my +work--a spy on my husband's country--and if I ever thought of trying to +do this impossible thing, a vision which has partially come true always +restrained me. + +I saw a submarine officer disgraced and perhaps sentenced to death, +because his wife had been convicted as a spy! + +No! it was impossible. + +But if I could not marry you, I still wanted your love. + +Then you went up the Russian coast, and I heard of your return in a +submarine terribly wrecked. I guessed what you must have gone through, +and determined to see you, but when I entered your room and saw you +lying open-eyed on your bed, with no one but a clumsy soldier to nurse +you, I could have wept. You know the rest; you can perhaps hardly +remember how I led you to my car and took you down to the forest. Oh, +Karl, are you angry with me for what happened? Do you sometimes think +that I took an unfair advantage of your weakness? Please! Please +forgive me, you were so helpless, and I loved you so. + +Then came those unforgettable weeks whilst your boat was being +repaired, weeks which opened to me the door of the paradise I was never +to enter. Oh! Karl, I pray that all those memories may remain sweet and +unclouded all your life. Think of those days when you think of your +Zoe. Alas! they came to an end too soon, and you left for the Atlantic. +When you came back all was over; I had been caught at last. + +The evidence at the trial was clear enough. I have no complaints. I was +fairly caught. You remember the big open space in front of the +shooting-box? I do not mind saying now that five times have I been +taken up from there in an English aeroplane, and landed there again +after two days. Each time I took over a full report on military +affairs. Not a word of naval news, my Karl; you will remember I never +tried to find out U-boat information. I even warned you to be cautious. +Well, they caught me as I landed; the English boy who had flown me back +tried hard to save me, but it only cost him his own life. + +My first thought was of you, and there is not a jot of evidence against +you, save only your friendship for me. Remember this fact, if they +persecute you. Admit nothing, believe nothing they tell you, deny +everything; they have no evidence; but they are certain to try and trap +you. + +It was noble of you, Karl, to engage Monsieur Labordin in my defence, +but it was useless and may do you harm. + +I also know of your efforts with the Governor. I hoped nothing from +him, but what you did has made me ready to die; I tremble lest you are +compromised. + +If only I could feel absolutely certain that I have not dragged you +down in my ruin I should face the rifles with a smile. + +For my sake be careful, Karl. + +When it is all over, cause a few little flowers to cover my +resting-place, if this is permitted for a spy. Order them, do not place +them yourself; you _must not_ be compromised. + +I have told my story, and the end is very near. What else is there to +say? + +Mere words are empty husks when I try to express my thoughts of you. + +Do not sorrow for your Zoe, to whom you have given such happiness. + +I am not afraid to die and cross into the unknown, which, however +terrible it is, cannot be much worse than this awful war. + +Karl! Karl! how I long to kiss you and feel your strong arms crushing +the breath from this body of mine which has caused so much sorrow. + +Oh, Mother Mary, support me in this hour of trial. + +I cannot leave you! + +May the Saints guard you and keep you through all the perils of war, +and grant that we meet again in the perfect peace of eternity. + +For ever, Your devoted and adoring ZOE. + + + + +_Karl's Diary resumed._ + + +She is dead! + +They have killed her, my Zoe, my adorable darling, and I am still +alive--under close arrest. Perhaps they will shoot me too, in their +insatiable thirst for blood. Oh! if they would! Perhaps, my Zoe, if I +could only die and leave this useless world behind, I might find you in +the mysterious regions where your spirit now dwells. + +Oh! is it well with you, Zoe? Give me a sign--a little sign--that all +is well. I have knelt in prayer and asked for a sign, but nothing +comes--all is a blank, forbidding and mysterious. Is God angry with us, +my Zoe, that we sinned before Him? Surely, surely He understands. He +must have mercy on me if He is going to make me go on living. If this +is my punishment, I can bear it; I will live without you happily if +only I may know that all is well with you. + + * * * * * + +Your letter, Zoe! Can you read these words as I write; can you sense my +thoughts? Speak! Ah! I thought I heard your voice, and it was only the +laughter of a woman in the street. Your letter has filled me with joy +and sorrow. I read and re-read the wonderful words in which you say you +loved me from the beginning, but when you plead that I shall not turn +in loathing from your memory--with these words you smash me to the +ground. + +Most glorious woman, I never loved you so well and so passionately as +the day you stood at the trial, ringed round with the wolves, the +clever lawyers, the stolid witnesses, the ponderous books, the cynical +air of religious solemnity with which the machinery of the law thinly +cloaks its lust for blood--for a life. + +Even when my ears heard the sentence, I could not believe it would be +carried out. The firing party, the chair, the bandage. Oh, God! spare +me these awful thoughts. To think of your breasts lacerated by +the----Oh! this is unendurable! Stop, madman that I am! + + * * * * * + +I am calmer now; I have read your letter again and rescued the journal +from the grate into which I flung it. + +The fire was out; I am not sorry; my journal is all I have left, and in +its pages are enshrined small, feeble word-pictures of paradise on +earth. To read them is to catch an echo of the music we both loved so +well. Music! you were all music to me, my Zoe. Your voice, your +movements, your caresses all seemed to me to speak of music. + +I ask myself, I shall always ask myself until the last hour, whether +all that could be done to save you was done. I tried to telegraph to +the Kaiser for you, Zoe, but the wire never got further than Bruges +post office; they stopped it, and put me under arrest. It was only open +arrest, my darling, and on that last awful night I forced them to let +me see the Governor. I, Karl Von Schenk, knelt at his feet and begged +for your life. He simply said, "You are mad." I left the Palace under +close arrest. + +Was ever woman's nobleness of character so exemplified as in your life? +Be comforted, Zoe, that in all my black sorrow I cling desperately to +my pride in your strength. I long to shout abroad what you did and why +you would never marry me, to tell all the gaping world that when you +died a martyr to duty was killed. I am so unworthy of what you did for +me, my darling, and it tortures me with mental rendings to think that +whilst I prided myself in my strength of mind, I was dragging you +through the fires of hell. When I think of those six weeks we had +together, my brain says, "And they might have been months had you not +spurned her in the forest." + +Oh, Zoe! if the priests say truth and all things are now revealed to +you, forgive me for this act of mine. Come to me in spirit and give me +mental peace. + +[Illustration: "...when there was a blinding flash and the air +seemed filled with moaning fragments."] + +[Illustration: "When I put up my periscope at 9 a.m. the horizon seemed +to be ringed with patrols."] + +As I write like this, as if it was a letter that you might read, I am +comforted a little; I rely utterly on the hope, which I struggle to +change into belief, that you can read this and know my thoughts. + +For when I think that had things been otherwise you might have been +leaning over my chair at this moment, and running your cool fingers +through my stiff hair; when I think of this, my darling, the full +realization comes to me of the gulf which must divide us for some +uncertain period, and the lines of this page run mistily before my +eyes. + +Zoe, my Zoe, strange things have happened in this war; wives declare +they have seen their husbands, mothers have felt the presence of their +sons; if the powers permit, come to me once again, I implore you, and +give me strength to live my life alone. + + * * * * * + + +Examined before the Court of Inquiry to-day. Fools! can't they realize +that I don't care if they do shoot me? + +In the Mess, people avoid me. What do I care? Not one of them is worthy +to stand on the same soil that holds her beloved body. They have buried +her in the Castle grounds. In accordance with her wishes, I have +arranged for flowers. Perhaps one day when all this is over I may be +able to live here and tend the place where she sleeps, free at last +from all her cares. + + * * * * * + +At the Court of Inquiry they tried to cross-examine me on our life +together. Dolts! what do they aim at proving? That I loved you? I +hardly listened. When they finished the evidence, the President asked +me if I had anything to say! Anything to say! I felt like telling them +they were cogs in the most monstrous machine for manufacturing sorrow +and destruction that mankind had ever devised. I could have shaken my +fist in their solemn faces and shouted "Beasts! you murdered her! You +destroyed that most wonderful woman who lowered herself to love me." + +Actually there was a long silence, and then the Vice-President, Captain +Fruhlingsohn, said, "Speak; we wish you well." + +It was the first touch of sympathy, the only sign of humanity I had +received in all these awful days, and it touched my stubborn heart and +the longed-for tears flowed at last. + +I murmured: "Gentlemen, I am no traitor; but I loved her as my own +soul." + +"Dissolve the Court. Remove the prisoner." Like the clash of iron +gates, officialdom came into its own again. + + * * * * * + +So I am not to be shot! Not even imprisoned! "Don't fall in love with +enemy agents again!"--that summarized their verdict. + +Ha! Ha! Ha! It is all horribly funny. The real reason is that they need +me. I am a trained and skilful slaughterer on the seas; I am an +essential part of the great machine. And they haven't got any spares! I +was in the Mess yesterday when the English papers we get from Amsterdam +arrived. Oh! a pretty surprise awaited the first man who opened _The +Times_. These English had published the names of 150 U-boat commanders +they had caught. There they all were. Christian names and all complete. +The only thing missing was a blank space in which to fill in our names +when the time comes. + +Dinner was a silent meal last night, and next morning some rat of a +Belgian had posted the list on the gatepost of the Mess. The machine +has offered five hundred marks for his apprehension--how foolish; as if +by shooting him they would take any names off the long list. + + * * * * * + +I am to sail at dawn tomorrow. I shall not be sorry to get away for a +space from this place with its mingled memories of delight and death. + + * * * * * + +Back again, and I haven't written a word for three weeks. + +My billet last trip was off Finisterre. I sighted two convoys, but +there were destroyers there; they are so black and swift I don't go +near them. + +I don't want to die in a U-boat. It's not worth while. It is easy to +avoid these convoys. I dive and make a great fuss of attacking, then I +steer divergently. Nobody knows where the enemy is except me; I am the +only one who looks through the periscope--I take good care of that. And +then how I curse and swear when I announce that the convoy has altered +course, and there is no chance of getting in to attack. None of them +are so disappointed as I am! + +The mines get on my nerves, there is no way of dodging them, and Lord! +how they sprout on the Flanders coast. + +I am to go out in six days. It is very little rest. I believe they want +to kill me. But I won't die! Not I. + +I went to her grave yesterday for the first time. I had thought I +should weep, but I did not; in fact it left me quite unmoved. I feel +she's not really dead; she comes to me sometimes, always at night when +I am alone and when we are at sea. There's nothing very tangible, but I +catch an echo of her voice in the surge of the sea along the casing, or +the sound of the breeze as it plays along the aerial. And so I will not +die until she calls me, for up to the present her messages have told me +to live and endure. + + * * * * * + +A very awkward incident took place last night. We were off the Naze and +saw a steamer some distance away. + +We dived to attack. When we were about a mile away I had a look at her, +and something about her put me off. I half thought she was a decoy +ship, and I privately determined I would not attack. I steered a course +which brought me well on her quarter, and as soon as I saw that it was +impossible to get into position to fire I increased speed on the +engines and shook the whole boat in efforts which were ostensibly +directed to getting her into position. At length I eased speed and +bitterly exclaimed that my luck was out. + +The First Lieutenant suggested that we should give her gunfire, but I +pointed out that I had good reason to suspect her of being a wolf in +sheep's clothing, and as he had not seen her he could hardly question +my judgment. I was going forward, when I accidentally overheard the +Navigator and the Engineer talking in the wardroom. I listened. + +The Engineer said: "The Captain doesn't seem to have the luck he used +to command." + +"Or else he has lost skill!" replied Ebert. "We never fired a torpedo +at all last trip, and it looks as if we are following that precedent +this time." + +I had heard enough, and, without their realizing my presence, I +returned to the control room. I considered the situation, and came to +the conclusion that they suspected nothing, but it was evident that +their minds were running on lines of thought which might be dangerous. +I looked at my watch and saw that there was still two hours of daylight +left, and then decided to play a trick on them all. I relieved the +First Lieutenant at the periscope, and when a decent interval of about +half an hour had elapsed I saw a ship. This vessel of my imagination, a +veritable Flying Dutchman in fact, I proceeded to attack, and, after +about twenty minutes of frequent alterations of speed and course, I +electrified the boat by bringing the bow tubes to the ready. + +The usual delay was most artistically arranged, and then I fired. With +secret amusement I watched the two expensive weapons of war rushing +along, but destined to sink ingloriously in the ocean, instead of +burying themselves in the vitals of a ship. An oath from myself and an +order to take the boat to twenty metres. + +With gloomy countenance I curtly remarked: "The port torpedo broke +surface and then dived underneath her, the starboard one missed +astern." + +So far all had gone well, but ten minutes later I nearly made a fatal +error. We had been diving for several hours, the atmosphere was bad, +and as it was dusk I decided to come up, ventilate, and put a charge on +the batteries. I gave the necessary orders, and was on my way up the +conning tower to open the outer hatch. The coxswain had just announced +that the boat was on the surface, when a terrible thought paralysed me, +and I clung helplessly to the ladder trying to think out the situation. + +It had just occurred to me that as soon as the officers and crew came +on deck they would naturally look for the steamer we had recently fired +at; this ship in the time interval which had elapsed would still be in +sight. + +As I came down, the First Lieutenant was at the periscope, looking +round the horizon. Quickly I thrust the youth from the eyepiece, and, +as calmly as I could, said: "I thought I heard propellers." + +Half an hour later we surfaced for the night. I have been wondering +ever since whether they suspect, for the three of them were talking in +the wardroom after dinner and stopped suddenly when I came in. + +I must be careful in future. + + * * * * * + +I was sent for this morning by the Commodore's office, and handed my +appointment as Senior Lieutenant at the barracks Wilhelmshafen. + +No explanation, though I suspected something of the sort was coming, as +three days after we got in from my last trip I was examined by the +medical board attached to the flotilla. + +So I am to leave the U-boat service, and leave it under a cloud! It is +a sad come-down from Captain of a U-boat to Lieutenant in barracks, a +job reserved for the medically unfit for sea service. + +Am I sorry? No, I think I am glad. Life here at Bruges is one long +painful episode. No one speaks to me in the Mess. I am left severely +alone with my memories. The night before last I found a revolver in my +room, and attached to it was a piece of paper bearing the words: "From +a friend." + +Perhaps at Wilhelmshafen it will be different, and yet, when I went +down to the boat at noon and collected my personal affairs and stepped +over her side for the last time, I could not check a feeling of great +sadness. We had endured much together, my boat and I, and the parting +was hard. + + + + + _At Barracks_. + + +As I suspected when I was appointed here, my job is deadly to a degree, +and my main duty is to sign leave passes. + +Our great effort in France has failed, and now the Allies react +furiously. The great war machine is strained to its utmost capacity; +can it endure the load? + +Our proper move is to paralyse the Allied offensive by striking with +all our naval weight at his cross-channel communications. The U-boat +war is too slow, and time is not on our side, whilst a hammer blow down +the Channel might do great things. But we have no naval imagination, +and who am I, that I should advance an opinion? + +A discredited Lieutenant in barracks--that's all. + +Worse and worse--there are rumours of troubles in the Fleet taking +place under certain conditions. + +It is the beginning of the end! + +Last night the High Seas Fleet were ordered to weigh at 8 a.m. this +morning. + +A mutiny broke out in the _König_ and quickly spread. + +By 9 a.m. half a dozen ships were flying the red flag, and to-day +Wilhelmshafen is being administered by the Council of Soldiers and +Sailors. + +There has been little disorder; the men have been unanimous in +declaring that they would not go to sea for a last useless massacre, a +last oblation on the bloodstained altars of war. + +Can they be blamed? Of what use would such sacrifice be? + +Yet to an officer it is all very sad and disheartening. + +I have seen enough to sicken me of the whole German system of making +war, and yet if the call came I know I would gladly go forth and die +when _tout est perdu fors l'honneur_. + +Such instincts are bred deep into the men of families such as mine. + +We approach the culmination of events. To-day Germany has called for an +armistice. It has been inevitable since our Allies began falling away +from us like rotten print. + +The terms will doubtless be hard. + + * * * * * + +Heavens above! but the terms are crushing! + +All the U-boats to be surrendered, the High Seas Fleet interned; why +not say "surrendered" straight out, it will come to that, unless we +blow them up in German ports. + +The end of Kaiserdom has come; we are virtually a republic; it is all +like a dream. + + * * * * * + +We have signed, and the last shot of the world-war has been fired. + +Here everything is confusion; the saner elements are trying to keep +order, the roughs are going round the dockyard and ships, looting +freely. + +"Better we should steal them than the English," and "There is no +Government, so all is free," are two of their cries. + +There has been a little shooting in the streets, and it is not safe for +officers to move about in uniform, though, on the whole, I have +experienced little difficulty. + +I was summoned to-day before the Local Council, which is run by a man +who was a Petty Officer of signals in the _König_. He recognized me and +looked away. + +I was instructed to take U.122 over to Harwich for surrender to the +English. + +I made no difficulty; some one has got to do it, and I verily believe I +am indifferent to all emotions. + +We sail in convoy on the day after tomorrow; that is to say, if the +crew condescend to fuel the boat in time. Three looters were executed +to-day in the dockyard and this has had a steadying effect on the worst +elements. + + * * * * * + +I went on board 122 to-day, and on showing my authority which was +signed by the Council (which has now become the Council of Soldiers, +Sailors and Workmen), the crew of the boat held a meeting at which I +was not invited to be present. + +At its conclusion the coxswain came up to me and informed me that a +resolution had been carried by seventeen votes to ten, to the effect +that I was to be obeyed as Captain of the boat. + +I begged him to convey to the crew my gratification, and expressed the +hope that I should give satisfaction. + +I am afraid the sarcasm was quite lost on them. + + * * * * * + +We are within sixty miles of Harwich and I expect to sight the English +cruisers any moment. + +I wrote some days ago that I was incapable of any emotion. + +I was wrong, as I have been so often during the last two years. + +In fact, I have come to the conclusion that I am no psychologist--I +don't believe we Germans are any good at psychology, and that's the +root reason why we've failed. + +I do feel emotion--it's terrible; the shame--the humiliation is +unbearable. + +I wonder how the English will behave? What a day of triumph for them. + +The signalman has just come down and reported British cruisers right +ahead; it will soon be over. I must go up on deck and exercise my +functions as elected Captain of U.122, and representative of Germany in +defeat. One last effort is demanded, and then---- + + + + +_NOTE_ + + +_This is the last sentence in the diary. It is probable that he suddenly +had to hurry on deck and in the subsequent confusion forgot to rescue +his diary from the locker in which he had thrust it_. + +ETIENNE. + + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, THE DIARY OF A U-BOAT COMMANDER *** + +This file should be named 8dubc10.txt or 8dubc10.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 8dubc11.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, 8dubc10a.txt + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Diary of a U-Boat Commander + +Author: Anonymous + +Posting Date: January 28, 2011 [EBook #7947] +Release Date: April, 2005 +First Posted: June 4, 2003 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DIARY OF A U-BOAT COMMANDER *** + + + + +Produced by Eric Eldred, Marvin A. Hodges, Charles Franks, +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + + + + + +THE DIARY OF A U-BOAT COMMANDER + +WITH AN INTRODUCTION AND EXPLANATORY NOTES BY ETIENNE + +AND + +_18 Illustrations on Art Paper by Frank H. Mason._ + + + + + + + +[Illustration: "We rammed a destroyer, passing through her like a knife +through cheese."] + + * * * * * + +BOOKS BY ETIENNE + +STRANGE TALES FROM THE FLEET + +A NAVAL LIEUTENANT + +1914--1918. + +"In collaboration with Navallus. + +Five Songs from the Grand Fleet." + +[Illustration: "...they are so black and swift I don't go near them."] + + * * * * * + +LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS + +"We rammed a destroyer, passing through her like a knife through +cheese" + +"...they are so black and swift I don't go near them" + +"Steering north-westerly ... to lay a small minefield off Newcastle" + +"He had suddenly seen the bow waves of a destroyer approaching at full +speed to ram" + +"We were put down by a trawler at dawn" + +"The torpedo had jumped clean out of the water a hundred yards short of +the steamer and had then dived under her" + +"A moment later there was a severe jar; we had struck the bottom" + +"As the dim lights on the mole disappeared, the ceaseless fountain of +star-shells, mingling with the flashing of guns, rose inland on our +port beam" + +"We hit her aft for the second time...." + +"The track met our ram" + +"In the flash I caught a glimpse of his conning tower" + +"The 1,000 kilogrammes of metal crashed down" + +"Good-bye! Steer west for America!" + +"It is a snug anchorage, and here I intend to remain" + +"A trapdoor near her bows fell down, the White Ensign was broken at the +fore, and a 4-inch gun opened fire from the embrasure that was revealed +on her side" + +"I sighted two convoys, but there were destroyers there...." + +"... when there was a blinding flash and the air seemed filled with +moaning fragments" + +"When I put up my periscope at 9 a.m. the horizon seemed to be ringed +with patrols" + + * * * * * + +INTRODUCTION + + +"I would ask you a favour," said the German captain, as we sat in the +cabin of a U-boat which had just been added to the long line of +bedraggled captives which stretched themselves for a mile or more in +Harwich Harbour, in November, 1918. + +I made no reply; I had just granted him a favour by allowing him to +leave the upper deck of the submarine, in order that he might await the +motor launch in some sort of privacy; why should he ask for more? + +Undeterred by my silence, he continued: "I have a great friend, +Lieutenant-zu-See Von Schenk, who brought U.122 over last week; he has +lost a diary, quite private, he left it in error; can he have it?" + +I deliberated, felt a certain pity, then remembered the _Belgian +Prince_ and other things, and so, looking the German in the face, I +said: + +"I can do nothing." + +"Please." + +I shook my head, then, to my astonishment, the German placed his head +in his hands and wept, his massive frame (for he was a very big man) +shook in irregular spasms; it was a most extraordinary spectacle. + +It seemed to me absurd that a man who had suffered, without visible +emotion, the monstrous humiliation of handing over his command intact, +should break down over a trivial incident concerning a diary, and not +even his own diary, and yet there was this man crying openly before me. + +It rather impressed me, and I felt a curious shyness at being present, +as if I had stumbled accidentally into some private recess of his mind. +I closed the cabin door, for I heard the voices of my crew approaching. + +He wept for some time, perhaps ten minutes, and I wished very much to +know of what he was thinking, but I couldn't imagine how it would be +possible to find out. + +I think that my behaviour in connection with his friend's diary added +the last necessary drop of water to the floods of emotion which he had +striven, and striven successfully, to hold in check during the agony of +handing over the boat, and now the dam had crumbled and broken away. + +It struck me that, down in the brilliantly-lit, stuffy little cabin, +the result of the war was epitomized. On the table were some +instruments I had forbidden him to remove, but which my first +lieutenant had discovered in the engineer officer's bag. + +On the settee lay a cheap, imitation leather suit-case, containing his +spare clothes and a few books. At the table sat Germany in defeat, +weeping, but not the tears of repentance, rather the tears of bitter +regret for humiliations undergone and ambitions unrealized. + +We did not speak again, for I heard the launch come alongside, and, as +she bumped against the U-boat, the noise echoed through the hull into +the cabin, and aroused him from his sorrows. He wiped his eyes, and, +with an attempt at his former hardiness, he followed me on deck and +boarded the motor launch. + +Next day I visited U.122, and these papers are presented to the public, +with such additional remarks as seemed desirable; for some curious +reason the author seems to have omitted nearly all dates. This may have +been due to the fear that the book, if captured, would be of great +value to the British Intelligence Department if the entries were dated. +The papers are in the form of two volumes in black leather binding, +with a long letter inside the cover of the second volume. + +_Internal evidence has permitted me to add the dates as regards the +years. My thanks are due to K. for assistance in translation_. + +ETIENNE. + + * * * * * + +The Diary of a U-boat Commander + + + + +One volume of my war-journal completed, and I must confess it is dull +reading. + +I could not help smiling as I read my enthusiastic remarks at the +outbreak of war, when we visualized battles by the week. What a +contrast between our expectations and the actual facts. + +Months of monotony, and I haven't even seen an Englishman yet. + +Our battle cruisers have had a little amusement with the coast raids at +Scarborough and elsewhere, but we battle-fleet fellows have seen +nothing, and done nothing. + +So I have decided to volunteer for the U-boat service, and my name went +in last week, though I am told it may be months before I am taken, as +there are about 250 lieutenants already on the waiting list. + +But sooner or later I suppose something will come of it. + +I shall have no cause to complain of inactivity in that Service, if I +get there. + + * * * * * + +I am off to-night for a six-days trip, two days of which are to be +spent in the train, to the Verdun sector. + +It has been a great piece of luck. The trip had been arranged by the +Military and Naval Inter-communication Department; and two officers +from this squadron were to go. + +There were 130 candidates, so we drew lots; as usual I was lucky and +drew one of the two chances. + +It should be intensely interesting. + + * * * * * + +_At_ ---- + + +I arrived here last night after a slow and tiresome journey, which was +somewhat alleviated by an excellent bottle of French wine which I +purchased whilst in the Champagne district. + +Long before we reached the vicinity of Verdun it was obvious to the +most casual observer that we were heading for a centre of unusual +activity. + +Hospital trains travelling north-east and east were numerous, and twice +our train, which was one of the ordinary military trains, was shunted +on to a siding to allow troop trains to rumble past. + +As we approached Verdun the noise of artillery, which I had heard +distantly once or twice during the day, as the casual railway train +approached the front, became more intense and grew from a low murmur +into a steady noise of a kind of growling description, punctuated at +irregular intervals by very deep booms as some especially heavy piece +was discharged, or an ammunition dump went up. + +The country here is very different from the mud flats of Flanders, as +it is hilly and well wooded. The Meuse, in the course of centuries, has +cut its way through the rampart of hills which surround Verdun, and we +are attacking the place from three directions. On the north we are +slowly forcing the French back on either river bank--a very costly +proceeding, as each wing must advance an equal amount, or the one that +advances is enfiladed from across the river. + +We are also slowly creeping forward from the east and north-east in the +direction of Douaumont. + +I am attached to a 105-cm. battery, a young Major von Markel in +command, a most charming fellow. I spent all to-day in the advanced +observing position with a young subaltern called Grabel, also a nice +young fellow. I was in position at 6 a.m., and, as apparently is common +here, mist hides everything from view until the sun attains a certain +strength. Our battery was supporting the attack on the north side of +the river, though the battery itself was on the south side, and firing +over a hill called L'Homme Mort. + +Von Markel told me that the fighting here has not been previously +equalled in the war, such is the intensity of the combat and the price +each side is paying. + +I could see for myself that this was so, and the whole atmosphere of +the place is pregnant with the supreme importance of this struggle, +which may well be the dying convulsions of decadent France. + +His Imperial Majesty himself has arrived on the scene to witness the +final triumph of our arms, and all agree that the end is imminent. + +Once we get Verdun, it is the general opinion that this portion of the +French front will break completely, carrying with it the adjacent +sectors, and the French Armies in the Vosges and Argonne will be +committed to a general retreat on converging lines. + +But, favourable as this would be to us, it is generally considered here +that the fall of Verdun will break the moral resistance of the French +nation. + +The feeling is, that infinitely more is involved than the capture of a +French town, or even the destruction of a French Army; it is a question +of stamina; it is the climax of the world war, the focal point of the +colossal struggle between the Latin and the Teuton, and on the +battlefields of Verdun the gods will decide the destinies of nations. + +When I got to the forward observing position, which was situated among +the ruins of a house, a most amazing noise made conversation difficult. + +The orchestra was in full blast and something approaching 12,000 pieces +of all sizes were in action on our side alone, this being the greatest +artillery concentration yet effected during the war. + +We were situated on one side of a valley which ran up at right angles +to the river, whose actual course was hidden by mist, which also +obscured the bottom of our valley. The front line was down in this +little valley, and as I arrived we lifted our barrage on to the far +hill-side to cover an attack which we were delivering at dawn. + +Nothing could be seen of the conflict down below, but after half an +hour we received orders to bring back our barrage again, and Grabel +informed me that the attack had evidently failed. This afternoon I +heard that it was indeed so, and that one division (the 58th), which +had tried to work along the river bank and outflank the hill, had been +caught by a concentration of six batteries of French 75's, which were +situated across the river. The unfortunate 58th, forced back from the +river-side, had heroically fought their way up the side of the hill, +only to encounter our barrage, which, owing to the mist, we thought was +well above and ahead of where they would be. + +Under this fresh blow the 58th had retired to their trenches at the +bottom of the small valley. As the day warmed up the mist disappeared, +and, like a theatre curtain, the lifting of this veil revealed the +whole scene in its terrible and yet mechanical splendour. + +I say mechanical, for it all seemed unreal to me. I knew I should not +see cavalry charges, guns in the open, and all the old-world panoply of +war, but I was not prepared for this barren and shell-torn circle of +hills, continually being freshly, and, to an uninformed observer, +aimlessly lashed by shell fire. + +Not a man in sight, though below us the ground was thickly strewn with +corpses. Overhead a few aeroplanes circled round amidst balls of white +shell bursts. + +During the day the slow-circling aeroplanes (which were artillery +observing machines) were galvanized into frightful activity by the +sudden appearance of a fighting machine on one side or the other; this +happened several times; it reminded me of a pike amongst young trout. + +After lunch I saw a Spad shot down in flames, it was like Lucifer +falling down from high heavens. The whole scene was enframed by a +sluggish line of observation balloons. + +Sometimes groups of these would hastily sink to earth, to rise again +when the menace of the aeroplane had passed. These balloons seemed more +like phlegmatic spectators at some athletic contest than actual +participants in the events. + +I wish my pen could convey to paper the varied impressions created +within my mind in the course of the past day; but it cannot. I have the +consolation that, though I think that I have considerable ability as a +writer, yet abler pens than mine have abandoned in despair the task of +describing a modern battle. + +I can but reiterate that the dominant impression that remains is of the +mechanical nature of this business of modern war, and yet such an +impression is a false one, for as in the past so to-day, and so in the +future, it is the human element which is, has been, and will be the +foundation of all things. + +Once only in the course of the day did I see men in any numbers, and +that was when at 3 p.m. the French were detected massing for a +counter-attack on the south side of the river. It was doomed to be +still-born. As they left their trenches, distant pigmy figures in +horizon blue, apparently plodding slowly across the ground, they were +lashed by an intensive barrage and the little figures were obliterated +in a series of spouting shell bursts. + +Five minutes later the barrage ceased, the smoke drifted away and not a +man was to be seen. Grabel told me that it had probably cost them 750 +casualties. What an amazing and efficient destruction of living +organism! + + * * * * * + +Another most interesting day, though of a different nature. + +To-day was spent witnessing the arrangements for dealing with the +wounded. I spent the morning at an advanced dressing station on the +south bank of the river. It was in a cellar, beneath the ruins of a +house, about 400 yards from the front line and under heavy shell-fire, +as close at hand was the remains of what had been a wood, which was +being used as a concentration point for reserves. + +The cover afforded by this so-called wood was extremely slight, and the +troops were concentrating for the innumerable attacks and +counter-attacks which were taking place under shell fire. This caused +the surgeon in charge of the cellar to describe the wood as our main +supply station! + +I entered the cellar at 8 a.m., taking advantage of a partial lull in +the shelling, but a machine-gun bullet viciously flipped into a wooden +beam at the entrance as I ducked to go in. I was not sorry to get +underground. A sloping path brought me into the cellar, on one side of +which sappers were digging away the earth to increase the +accommodation. + +The illumination consisted of candles set in bottles and some electric +hand lamps. The centre of the cellar was occupied by two portable +operating tables, rarely untenanted during the three hours I spent in +this hell. + +The atmosphere--for there was no ventilation--stank of sweat, blood, +and chloroform. + +By a powerful effort I countered my natural tendency to vomit, and +looked around me. The sides of the cellar were lined with figures on +stretchers. Some lay still and silent, others writhed and groaned. At +intervals, one of the attendants would call the doctor's attention to +one of the still forms. A hasty examination ensued, and the stretcher +and its contents were removed. A few minutes later the +stretcher--empty--returned. The surgeon explained to me that there was +no room for corpses in the cellar; business, he genially remarked, was +too brisk at the present crucial stage of the great battle. + +The first feelings of revulsion having been mastered, I determined to +make the most of my opportunities, as I have always felt that the naval +officer is at a great disadvantage in war as compared with his +military brother, in that he but rarely has a chance of accustoming +himself to the unpleasant spectacle of torn flesh and bones. + +This morning there was no lack of material, and many of the intestinal +wounds were peculiarly revolting, so that at lunch-time, when another +convenient lull in the torrent of shell fire enabled me to leave the +cellar, I felt thoroughly hardened; in fact I had assisted in a humble +degree at one or two operations. + +I had lunch at the 11th Army Medical Headquarters Mess, and it was a +sumptuous meal to which I did full justice. + +After lunch, whilst waiting to be motored to a field hospital, I +happened to see a battalion of Silesian troops about to go up to the +front line. + +It was rather curious feeling that one was looking at men, each in +himself a unit of civilization, and yet many of whom were about to die +in the interests thereof. + +Their faces were an interesting study. + +Some looked careless and debonair, and seemed to swing past with a +touch of recklessness in their stride, others were grave and serious, +and seemed almost to plod forward to the dictates of an inevitable +fatalism. + +The field hospital, where we met some very charming nurses, on one of +whom I think I created a distinct impression, was not particularly +interesting. It was clean, well-organized and radiated the efficiency +inseparable from the German Army. + + * * * * * + +Back at Wilhelmshaven--curse it! + +Yesterday morning, when about to start on a tour of the ammunition +supply arrangements, I received an urgent wire recalling me at once! + +There was nothing for it but to obey. + +I was lucky enough to get a passage as far as Mons in an albatross +scout which was taking dispatches to that place. + +From there I managed to bluff a motor car out of the town commandant--a +most obliging fellow. This took me to Aachen where I got an express. + +The reason for my recall was that Witneisser went sick and Arnheim +being away, this has left only two in the operations ciphering +department. + +My arrival has made us three. It is pretty strenuous work and, being of +a clerical nature, suits me little. The only consolation is that many +of the messages are most interesting. I was looking through the back +files the other day and amongst other interesting information I came +across the wireless report from the boat that had sunk the _Lusitania_. + +It has always been a mystery to me why we sank her, as I do not believe +those things pay. + + * * * * * + +Arnheim has come back, so I have got out of the ciphering department, +to my great delight. + +I have received official information that my application for U-boats +has been received. Meanwhile all there is to do is to sit at +this ---- hole and wait. + + + + +_2nd June_, 1916. + + +I have fought in the greatest sea battle of the ages; it has been a +wonderful and terrible experience. + +All the details of the battle will be history, but I feel that I must +place on record my personal experiences. + +We have not escaped without marks, and the good old _König_ brought 67 +dead and 125 wounded into port as the price of the victory off +Skajerack, but of the English there are thousands who slept their last +sleep in the wrecked hulls of the battle cruisers which will rust for +eternal ages upon the Jutland banks. + +Sad as our losses are--and the gallant _Lutzow_ has sunk in sight of +home--I am filled with pride. + +We have met that great armada the British Fleet, we have struck them +with a hammer blow and we have returned. I was asleep in my cabin when +the news came that Hipper was coming south with the British battle +cruisers on his beam. In five minutes we were at our action stations. +We made contact with Hipper at 5.30 p.m., [1] and Beatty turned north +with his cruisers and fast battleships and we pursued. + +[Footnote 1: This is 4.30 G.M.T.--Etienne] + +Two of the great ships had been sunk by our battle cruisers, and we had +hopes of destroying the remainder, when at 6.55 the mist on the +northern horizon was pierced by the formidable line of the British +Battle Fleet. + +Jellicoe had arrived! + +Three battle cruisers became involved between the lines, and in an +instant one was blown up, and another crawled west in a sinking +condition. Sudden and terrible are events in a modern sea-battle. + +Confronted with the concentrated force of Britain's Battle Fleet we +turned to east, and for twenty minutes our High Seas Fleet sustained +the unequal contest. + +It was during this period that we were hit seventeen times by heavy +shell, though, in my position in the after torpedo control tower, I +only realized one hit had taken place, which was when a shell plunged +into the after turret and, blowing the roof off, killed every member of +the turret's crew. + +From my position, when the smoke and dust had blown away, I looked down +into a mass of twisted machinery, amongst which I seemed to detect the +charred remains of bodies. + +At about 7.40 we turned, under cover of our smoke screen, and steered +south-west. + +Our position was not satisfactory, as the last information of the enemy +reported them as turning to the southward; consequently they were +between us and Heligoland. + +At 11 p.m. we received a signal for divisions of battle fleets to steer +independently for the Horn Reef swept channel. + +Ten minutes later we underwent the first of five destroyer attacks. + +The British destroyers, searching wide in the night, had located us, +and with desperate gallantry pressed home the attack again and again. +So close did they come that about 1.30 a.m. we rammed one, passing +through her like a knife through a cheese. + +It was a wonderful spectacle to see those sinister craft, rushing madly +to their destruction down the bright beam of our powerful searchlights. +It was an avenue of death for them, but to the credit of their Service +it must stand that throughout the long nightmare they did not hesitate. + +The surrounding darkness seemed to vomit forth flotilla after flotilla +of these cavalry of the sea. + +And they struck us once, a torpedo right forward, which will keep us in +dock for a month, but did no vital injury. + +When morning dawned, misty and soft, as is its way in June in the +Bight, we were to the eastward of the British, and so we came +honourably home to Wilhelmshaven, feeling that the young Navy had laid +worthy foundations for its tradition to grow upon. + +We are to report at Kiel, and shall be six weeks upon the job. + + + + +_Frankfurt_. + + +Back on seventeen days' leave, and everyone here very anxious to hear +details of the battle of Skajerack. + +It is very pleasant to have something to talk to the women about. +Usually the gallant field greys hold the drawing-room floor, with their +startling tales from the Western Front, of how they nearly took Verdun, +and would have if the British hadn't insisted on being slaughtered on +the Somme. + +It is quite impossible in many ways to tell that there is a war on as +far as social life in this place is concerned. + +There is a shortage of good coffee and that is about all. + + * * * * * + +Arrived back on board last night. + +They have made a fine job of us, and we go through the canal to the +Schillig Roads early next week. + +We are to do three weeks' gunnery practices from there, to train the +new drafts. + + + +1916 (_about August_). + +At last! Thank Heavens, my application has been granted. Schmitt (the +Secretary) told me this morning that a letter has come from the +Admiralty to say that I am to present myself for medical examination at +the board at Wilhelmshaven to-morrow. + +What joy! to strike a blow at last, finished for ever the cursed +monotony of inactivity of this High Seas Fleet life. But the U-boat +war! Ah! that goes well. We shall bring those stubborn, blood-sucking +islanders to their knees by striking at them through their bellies. + +When I think of London and no food, and Glasgow and no food, then who +can say what will happen? Revolt! rebellion in England, and our brave +field greys on the west will smash them to atoms in the spring of 1917, +and I, Karl Schenk, will have helped directly in this! Great +thought--but calm! I am not there yet, there is still this confounded +medical board. I almost wish I had not drunk so much last night, not +that it makes any difference, but still one must run no risks, for I +hear that the medical is terribly strict for the U-boat service. Only +the cream is skimmed! Well, to-morrow we shall see. + + * * * * * + +Passed! and with flying colours; it seemed absurdly easy and only took +ten minutes, but then my physique is magnificent, thanks to the +physical training I have always done. I am now due to get three weeks' +leave, and then to Zeebrugge. + +I have wired to the little mother at Frankfurt. + + * * * * * + +_At Zeebrugge, or rather Bruges._ + + +I spent three weeks at home, all the family are pleased except mother; +she has a woman's dread of danger; it is a pleasing characteristic in +peace time, but a cloy on pleasure in days of war. To her, with the +narrowness of a female's intellect, I really believe I am of more +importance than the Fatherland--how absurd. Whilst at Frankfurt I saw a +good deal of Rosa; she seems better looking each time I meet her; +doubtless she is still developing to full womanhood. Moritz was home +from Flanders. He had ten days' leave from Ypres, and, though I have a +dislike for him, he certainly was interesting, though why the English +cling to those wretched ruins is more than I can understand. + +I felt instinctively that in a sense Moritz and I were rivals where +Rosa was concerned, though I have never considered her in that +light--as yet. One day, perhaps? These women are much the same +everywhere, and I could see that having entered the U-boat service made +a difference with Rosa, though her logic should have told her that I +was no different. But is that right? After all, it is something to have +joined this service; the Guards themselves have no better cachet, and +it is certainly cheaper. + +Here we live in billets and in a commandeered hotel. The life ashore is +pleasant enough; the damned Belgians are sometimes sulky, but they know +who is master. Bissing (a splendid chap) sees to that. + +As a matter of fact we have benefited them by our occupation, the shops +do a roaring trade at preposterous prices, and shamefully enough the +German shopkeepers are most guilty. These pot-bellied merchants don't +seem to realize that they exist owing to our exertions. + +I was much struck with the beautiful orderliness of the small gardens +which we have laid out since 1914, and, in fact, wherever one looks +there is evidence of the genius of the German race for thorough +organization. Yet these Belgians don't seem to appreciate it. I can't +understand it. + +I find here that social life is very much gayer than at that mad town +of Wilhelmshaven. At the High Seas Fleet bases there was the strictness +and austerity that some people seem to consider necessary to show that +we are at war, though Heaven knows there was precious little war in the +High Seas Fleet; perhaps that was why the "blood and iron" régime was +in full order ashore. Here, in Bruges, at any rate as far as the +submarine officers are concerned, the matter is far different. When the +boats are in, one seems to do as one likes, with a perfunctory visit to +the ship in the course of the day. + +Witnitz (the Commodore) favours complete relaxation when in from a +trip. In the evenings there are parties, for which there are always +ladies, and I find it is necessary to have a "smoking."[1] I went to +the best tailor to buy one, and found that I must have one made at the +damnable price of 140 marks; the fitter, an oily Jew, had the +incredible impertinence to assure me it would be cut on London lines! + +[Footnote 1: A dinner jacket.] + +I nearly felled him to the ground; can one never get away from England +and things English? I'll see his account waits a bit before I settle +it. + +There are several fellows I know here. Karl Müller, who was 3rd +watchkeeper in the _Yorck_, and Adolf Hilfsbaumer, who was captain of +G.176, are the two I know best. They are both doing a few trips as +second in commands of the later U.C. boats, which are mine-laying off +the English coasts. This is a most dangerous operation, and nearly all +the U.C. boats are commanded by reserve officers, of whom there are a +good many in the Mess. + +Excellent fellows, no doubt, but somewhat uncouth and lacking the finer +points of breeding; as far as I can see in the short time I have been +here they keep themselves to themselves a good deal. I certainly don't +wish to mix with them. Unfortunately, it appears that I am almost bound +to be appointed as second in command of one of the U.C. boats, for at +least one trip before I go to the periscope school and train for a +command of my own. The idea of being bottled up in an elongated cigar +and under the command of one of those nautical plough-boys is +repellent. However, the Von Schenks have never been too proud to obey +in order to learn how to command. + + * * * * * + +I have been appointed second in command to U.C.47. Her captain is one +Max Alten by name. Beyond the fact that I saw him drunk one night in +the Mess I know nothing of him. + +I reported to him and he seems rather in awe of me. His fears are +groundless. + +I shall make it as easy as possible for him, for it must be as awkward +for him as it is unpleasant for me. + +To celebrate my proper entry into the U-boat service, I gave a dinner +party last night in a private room at "Le Coq d'Or." I asked Karl and +Adolf, and told them to bring three girls. My opposite number was a +lovely girl called Zoe something or other. I wore my "smoking" for the +first time; it is certainly a becoming costume. + +We drank a good deal of champagne and had a very pleasant little +debauch; the girls got very merry, and I kissed Zoe once. She was not +very angry. I think she is thoroughly charming, and I have accepted an +invitation to take tea at her flat. She is either the wife or the chère +amie of a colonel in the Brandenburgers, I could not make out which. +Luckily the gallant "Cockchafer" is at the moment on the La Bassée +sector, where I was interested to observe that heavy fighting has +broken out to-day. I must console the fair Zoe! + +Both Karl and Adolf got rather drunk, Adolf hopelessly so, but I, as +usual, was hardly affected. I have a head of iron, provided the liquor +is good, and _I_ saw to that point. + + * * * * * + +We were sailing, or rather going down the canal to Zeebrugge on Friday, +but the starting resistance of the port main motor burnt out and we +were delayed till Sunday, as they will fit a new one. + +I must confess the organization for repair work here is admirable, as +very little is done by the crews in the U-boats, all work being carried +out by the permanent staff, who are quartered at Bruges docks. Taking +advantage of the delay I called on Zoe Stein, as I find she is named. + +It appears she is _not_ married to Colonel Stein. She told me he was +fat and ugly, and laughed a good deal about him. She showed me his +photograph, and certainly he is no beauty. However, he must be a man of +means, as he has given her a charming flat, beautifully decorated with +water-colours which the Colonel salved from the French château in the +early days--these army fellows had all the chances. + +I bade an affectionate farewell to Zoe, and I trust Stein will be still +busily engaged at La Bassée when I return in a fortnight's time! I am +greatly obliged to Karl for the introduction, and told him so; he +himself is running after a little grass widow whose husband has been +missing for some months. I think Karl finds it an expensive game; +luckily Zoe seems well supplied with money--the essential ingredient in +a joyous life. + +On Friday night we had an air-raid--a frequent event here, but my first +experience in this line. Unpleasant, but a fine spectacle, considerable +damage done near the docks and an unexploded bomb fell in a street near +our headquarters. + +Two machines (British) brought down in flames. I saw the green balls +[1] for the first time. A most fascinating sight to see them floating +up in waving chains into the vault of heaven; they reminded me of +making daisy chains as a child. + +[Footnote 1: Known as "Flying-onions."] + + + + +_At Zeebrugge_. + + +We are alongside the mole in one of the new submarine shelters that has +been built. + +The boat is under a concrete roof over three feet thick, which would +defy the heaviest bomb. + +We have much improved the port since our arrival. The port, so-called, +is purely artificial, and actually consists of a long mole with a +gentle curve in it, which reaches out to seaward and protects the mouth +of the canal. The tides are very strong up and down the coast, and +constant dredging is carried out to keep 20 feet of water over the sill +at the lock gates. + +On arrival last night we went straight into No. 11 shelter, as an +air-raid was expected, but nothing happened, so I went up to the +"Flandre," which seems to be the best hotel here, full of submarine +people, and I heard many interesting stories. There seems no doubt this +U-boat war is dangerous work; I find the U.C. boats are beginning to be +called the Suicide Club, after the famous English story of that name, +which, curiously enough, I saw on the kinematograph at Frankfurt last +leave. We Germans are extraordinarily broad-minded; I doubt if the +works of German authors are seen on the screens in England or France. + +The news from the West is good, the English are hurling themselves to +destruction against our steel front. We are now to load up with mines. +I must stop writing to superintend this work. + + + + +_At sea. Near the South Dogger Light._ + + +We loaded up the ten mines we carry in an hour and five minutes. They +were lifted from a railway truck by a big crane and delicately lowered +into the mine tubes, of which we have five in the bows. + +The tubes extend from the upper deck of the ship to her keel, and slope +aft to facilitate release. Having completed with fuel at Bruges, we +took in a store of provisions and Alten went up to the Commodore's +office to get our sailing orders. + +We sailed at 6 p.m. and at last I felt I was off. To-day, the 22nd, we +are just north of the South Dogger, steering north-westerly at 9-1/2 +knots. + +The sea is quite calm and everything is very pleasant. Our mission is +to lay a small minefield off Newcastle in the East Coast war channel. I +have, of course, never been to sea for any length of time in a U-boat, +and it is all very novel. + +I find the roar of the Diesel engine very relentless, and last night +slept badly in a wretched bunk, which was a poor substitute for my +lovely quarters in the barracks at Wilhelmshaven. One thing I +appreciate, and that is the food; it is really excellent: fresh milk, +fresh butter, white bread and many other luxuries. + +I have spent most of the day picking up things about the boat. Her +general arrangement is as follows: + +Starting in the bows, mine tubes occupy the centre of the boat, leaving +two narrow passages, one each side. In the port passage is the wireless +cabinet and signal flag lockers, with store rooms underneath. In the +starboard passage are one or two small pumps and the kitchen. + +The next compartment contains four bunks, two each side, these are +occupied by Alten, myself, the engineer, and the Navigating Warrant +Officer. Proceeding further aft one enters the control room, in which +one periscope is situated, and the necessary valves and pumps for +diving the boat. + +The next compartment is the crew space; ten of the company exist here. + +Overhead on each side is the gear for releasing the torpedoes from the +external torpedo tubes, of which we carry one each side. I think we +borrowed this idea from the Russians. + +Then comes the engine-room, an inferno of rattling noises, but +excellent engines, I believe. At the after end of the engine-room are +the two main switchboards, of whose manner of working I am at present +in some ignorance. + +The two main sets of electric motors are underneath the boards, in the +stern, where we have a third torpedo tube. + + * * * * * + +I had hardly written the above words when a message came that the +captain would like me to come to the bridge. + +I went up in a leisurely fashion, through the conning tower, which is +over the control room, and reported myself. He indicated a low-lying +patch of smoke on the horizon far away on the starboard bow. I was +obliged to confess that it conveyed nothing to me, when he aroused my +intense interest by stating that it was, without doubt, being emitted +from a British submarine, who are known to frequent these waters. He +was proceeding away from us, and was, even then, six or seven miles +away, so an attack was out of the question. The engineer, who had +joined us, drew my attention to the thin wisp of almost invisible +blue-grey smoke from our own stern. The contrast was certainly +striking! + +Over dinner I gave it as my opinion that the British boats were pretty +useless. Alten would not agree, and stated that, though in certain +technical aspects they were in a position of inferiority, yet in +personnel and skill in attacking they were fully our equals. He seemed +to hold them in considerable respect, and he remarked that, when making +a passage, he was more anxious on their account than in any other way. +He informed me that, on the last passage he made, he was attacked by a +British boat which he never saw, the only indication he received being +a torpedo which jumped out of the water almost over his tail. Luckily +it was very rough at the time, which made the torpedo run erratically, +otherwise they would undoubtedly have been hit. + +What appeared to astonish him was the fact that the British boat had +been able to make an attack in such weather. We are now charging on one +engine, 500 amperes on each half-battery. + + * * * * * + +We are due back at Zeebrugge at 10 p.m. to-night. We should have been +in at dawn to-day, but we received a wireless from the senior officer, +Zeebrugge, to say that mine-laying was suspected, and we were to wait +till the "Q.R." channel, from the Blankenberg buoy, had been swept. We +lay in the bottom for eight hours, a few miles from the western end of +the channel. + +Our trip was quite successful, but not without certain excitements. + +On the night of the 23rd we passed fairly close to a fishing fleet on +the Dogger Bank, and saw the lights of several steamers in the +distance. As our first business was to lay our mines in the appointed +place, we did not worry them. + +We burnt usual navigation lights, or rather side lights which appear to +be usual, except that, by a little fitting which Alten has made +himself, the arcs of bearing on which the lights show can be changed at +will. His idea is that, should we appear to be approaching a steamer +which he wishes to avoid, in many cases, by shining a little more or +less red and green light, we can make her think that we are a steamer +on such a course that it is her duty by the rules of the road to keep +clear of us. + +He tells me it has worked on several occasions, and he has also found +it useful to have two small auxiliary side lights fitted which are the +wrong colours for the sides they are on. It is, of course, only neutral +shipping which carry lights nowadays, though Alten says that many +British ships are still incredibly careless in the matter of lights. + +However, to resume my account of what happened. We reached our position +at dawn or slightly after, the weather was beautifully calm and the sea +like glass. As we were only three miles from the English coast, and +close to the mouth of the Tyne, we were extraordinarily lucky to have +nothing in sight, if one excepts a long smudge of smoke which trailed +across the horizon to the southward. + +The land itself was obscured by early morning banks of mist, yet +everything was so still that we actually faintly heard the whistle of a +train. I could hardly restrain from suggesting to Alten that we should +elevate the 10-cm. gun to fifteen degrees and fire a few rounds on to +"proud Albion's virgin shores," but I did not do so as I felt fairly +certain that he would not approve, and I do not wish to lay myself open +to rebuffs from him after his behaviour concerning the smoking +incident. I boil with rage at the thought, but again I digress. + +The fact that the land was obscured was favourable from the point of +view that we were not worried by coast watchers, but unfavourable from +the standpoint that we were unable to take bearings of anything and so +ascertain our exact position. + +The importance of this point in submarine mine-laying is obvious, for, +owing to our small cargo of eggs, it is quite possible that we may be +sent here again, to lay an adjacent field, in which case it is highly +desirable to know the exact position of one's previous effort. + +[Illustration: "Steering north-westerly...; to lay a small minefield +off Newcastle."] + +[Illustration: "He had suddenly seen the bow waves of a destroyer +approaching at full speed to ram."] + +We were somewhat assisted in our efforts to locate ourselves by the +fact that a seven-fathom patch existed exactly where we had to lay. We +picked up the edge of this bank with our sounding machine, and steering +north half a mile, laid our mines in latitude--No! on second thoughts I +will omit the precise position, for, though I shall take every +precaution, there is no saying that through some misfortune this +Journal might not get into the wrong hands. + +I am very glad I decided to keep these notes, as I shall take much +pleasure in reading them when Victory crowns our efforts and the joys +of a peaceful life return. + +I found it a delightful sensation being so close to the enemy coast, in +his territorial waters, in fact. For the first time since the Skajerack +battle I experienced the personal joys of war, the sensation of +intimate and successful contact with the enemy, and the most hated +enemy at that. + +We had hardly finished laying our eggs when a droning noise was heard. +With marvellous celerity we dived, that damned fellow Alten, who, under +these circumstances leaves the bridge last, treading on my fingers as +he followed me down the conning tower ladder. + +The engineer endeavoured to sympathize with me, and made some idiotic +remark about my being quicker when I had had more practice. I bit his +head off. I can't stand this hail-fellow-well-met attitude in these +U.C. boats, from any lout dressed in an officer's uniform. They +wouldn't be holding commissions if it wasn't for the war, and they +should remember that fact. I suppose they think I'm stand-offish. Well, +if they had my family tree behind them they would understand. + +We dived to sixty feet, and then came up to twenty. Alten looked +through the periscope, and then invited me to look. Curiosity impelled +me to accept this favour and, putting the focussing lever to +"skyscrape" I swept round the sky. + +At last I saw him; he was a small gas-bag of diminutive size, beneath +which was suspended a little car, the most ridiculous little travesty +of an airship I have ever seen. He was nosing along at about 800 feet +and making about 40 knots. + +Suddenly he must have seen the wake of our periscope, for he turned +towards us. Simultaneously Alten, from the conning tower (I was using +the other periscope in the control room), ordered the boat to sixty +feet, and put the helm hard over. + +We had turned sixteen points, [1] and in about two minutes heard a +series of reports right astern of us. It was evident that our ruse had +succeeded and that he had overshot the mark. + +[Footnote 1: 180°] + +Inside the boat one felt a slight jar as each bomb went off. + +We gradually came round to our proper course, and cruised all day +submerged at dead slow speed. Every time we lifted our periscope he was +still hanging about sufficiently close to make it foolish for us to +come to the surface. + +Towards noon a group of trawlers, doubtless summoned by wireless, +appeared, and proceeded to wander about. These seemed to concern Alten +far more than the airship, and he informed me that from their, to me, +aimless movements he deduced they were hunting for us by hydroplanes. +Occasionally we lay on the bottom in nineteen fathoms. + +By 4 p.m. the atmosphere was becoming rather unpleasant and hot, and +gradually we took off more clothes. Curiously enough, I longed for a +smoke, but wild horses would not have made me ask Alten for permission. + +At 8 p.m. it was sufficiently dark to enable us to rise, which gave me +great pleasure, though the first rush of fresh air down the hatch made +me vomit after hours of breathing the vitiated muck. On coming to the +surface we saw nothing in sight, but a breeze had sprung up which +caused spray to break over the bridge as we chugged along at 9 knots. + +Everyone was in high spirits, as always on the return journey, when the +mind turns to the Fatherland and all it holds. + +My mind turns to Zoe. I confess it to myself frankly. I hardly realized +to what extent this woman had begun to influence me until we received +the wireless signal ordering us to delay entering for twelve hours. The +receipt of this news, trivial though the delay has been, threw a mantle +of gloom over the crew. I participated in the depression and, upon +thought, rather wondered that this should be so. Self-analysis on the +lines laid down by Schessmanweil [1] revealed to me that the basis of +my annoyance is the fact that my next meeting with Zoe is deferred! I +feel instinctively that I shall have trouble here, and that I had +better haul off a lee shore whilst there is manoeuvring room, and +yet--and yet I secretly rejoice that every revolution of the propeller, +every clank and rattle of the Diesels brings us closer together. + +[Footnote 1: Apparently some German author, of obscure origin, as I +cannot find him in any book of reference.--ETIENNE.] + +Alten has just come down from the bridge, and we chatted for some +moments; it is evident that he wishes to apologize for his rudeness +over the smoking incident. + +I was in error, I admit it frankly; at the same time I did not know +that the battery was on charge, and to dash a match from my hand! I +could have shot him where he stood. However, I am not vindictive, and +as far as I am concerned the incident is ended. + +One thing I find trying in this small boat, and that is that I can +find no space in which to do half my Müller exercises, the +leg-and-arm-swinging ones. I must see whether I can't invent a set of +U-boat exercises! + +Good! in two hours we reach the Mole-end light buoy. + + * * * * * + +_Submarine Mess, Bruges._ + + +It is midnight, and as I write in my room at the top of the house the +low rumble of the guns from the south-west vibrates faintly through the +open window, for it is extraordinarily warm for the time of year, and I +have flung back the curtains and risked the light shining. + +We spent the night at Zeebrugge and came up to the docks here next day. +We shall probably be in for a week, and I am on four days' "extended +absence from the boat," which practically means that I can go where I +like in the neighbourhood provided I am handy to a telephone. + +After a short inward struggle I rang Zoe up on the telephone; +fortunately I did not call first. + +A man's voice answered, and for a moment I was dumbfounded. I guessed +at once it was the Colonel, and I had counted so confidently on his +being still away at the front. + +For an instant I felt speechless, an impulse came to me to ring off +without further ado, but I restrained myself, and then a fine idea came +into my head. + +"Who is that?" I said. + +"Colonel Stein!" replied the voice, and my fears were confirmed, but my +plan of campaign held good. + +"I am speaking," I continued, "on behalf of Lieutenant Von +Schenk----" + +"Ah, yes!" growled the voice, and for an instant a panic seized me, but +I resumed: + +"He met Madame Stein at dinner some days ago, and she kindly asked him +to call; he has asked me to ring up and inquire when it would be +convenient, as he would like to meet you, sir, as well. He has been +unable to ring up himself, as he was sent away from Bruges on duty +early this morning." + +I smiled to myself at this little lie and listened. + +"Your friend had better call to-morrow then, for I leave to-morrow +evening for the Somme front; will you tell him?" + +I replied that I would, and left the telephone well satisfied, but +cursing the fates that made it advisable to keep clear of No. 10, +Kafelle Strasse for thirty-six hours. Needless to say next day I rang +up again in order to tell the Colonel that Lieutenant Schenk had +apparently been detained, as he was not yet back in Bruges, and how I +felt sure that he would be sorry at missing the Colonel, etc., etc., +but all this camouflage was unnecessary, as she herself came to the +'phone. I could have kissed the instrument when I told her of my +stratagem and heard her silvery laughter in my ear. + +"It is arranged that to-morrow, starting at 10.30, we motor for the day +to the Forest of Meten, taking our lunch and tea with us--pray Heaven +the weather holds." + +To-night in the Mess it is generally considered that U.B.40 has been +lost; she is ten days overdue and was operating off Havre, she has made +no signal for a fortnight. Such is the price of victory and the cost of +war--death, perhaps, in some terrible form, but bah! away with such +thoughts, to-morrow there is love and life and Zoe! + + * * * * * + +Once more it is night, still the guns rumble on the same old dismal +tones, and as it is raining now it must be getting bad up at the front. +Except for the rain it might have been last night, but much has +happened to me in the meanwhile. + +To-day in the forest by Ruysslede I found that I loved Zoe, loved her +as I have never yet loved woman, loved her with my soul and all that is +me. + +The day was gloriously fine when we started, and an hour's run took us +to the forest. We left the car at an inn and wandered down one of the +glades. + +I carried the basket and we strolled on and on until we found a +suitable place deep in the heart of the forest. + +I have the sailor's love for woods, for their depths, their shadows, +their mysteries, which are so vivid a contrast to the monotony of the +sea, with the everlasting circle of the horizon and the half-bowl of +the heavens above. + +In the forest to-day, though the leaves had turned to gold and red and +brown, the beeches were still well covered, and overhead we were tented +with a russet canopy. + +I say, at last we found a spot, or rather Zoe, who, with girlish +pleasure in the adventure, had run ahead, called to me, and as I write +I seem to hear the echoes of "Karl! Karl!" which rang through the wood. +When I came up to her she proudly pointed to the place she had found. + +It was ideal. An outcrop of rock formed a miniature Matterhorn in the +forest, and beneath its shelter with the old trees as silent witnesses +we sat and joked and laughed, and made twenty attempts to light a fire. + +After lunch, a little incident happened which had an enormous effect on +me; Zoe asked me whether I would mind if she smoked. + +How many women in these days would think of doing that? And yet, had +she but known it, I am still sufficiently old-fashioned to appreciate +the implied respect for any possible prejudices which was contained in +her request. + +After lunch, I asked her a question to which I dreaded the answer. + +I asked her whether, now that the old Colonel had gone to the Somme, +whether that meant that she would be leaving Bruges. + +She laughed and teasingly said: "Quien sabe, señor," but seeing my real +anxiety on this point, she assured me that she was not leaving for the +present. The Colonel, she said, had a strange belief that once a man +had served on the Flanders Front, and especially on the Ypres salient, +he always came back to die there. + +It appears that the Colonel has done fourteen months' service on the +salient alone, and is firmly convinced he will end his career on that +great burial ground. As we were talking about the Colonel I longed to +ask her how she had met him, and perhaps find out why she lives with +him, for I cannot believe she loves him, but I did not dare. + +Strangely enough I found that a curious shyness had taken hold of me +with regard to Zoe. + +I said to myself, "Fool! you are alone with her, you long to kiss her; +you have kissed her, first at the dinner-party, secondly when you said +good-bye at her flat," and yet to-day it was different. + +Then I was kissing a pretty woman, I was on the eve of a dangerous +life, and I was simply extracting the animal pleasures whilst I lived. + +To-day it was a case of Zoe, the personality I loved; I still longed to +kiss her, but I wanted to have the unquestioned right to kiss her, as +much as I wanted the kisses. + +I wanted to have her for my own, away from the contaminating ownership +of the old Colonel, and I determined to get her. + +I think she noticed the changed attitude on my part, and perhaps she +felt herself that a subtle change in our relationship had taken place, +and whilst I meditated on these things she fell into a doze at my side. + +I was sitting slightly above her, smoking to keep the midges away, and +as I looked down on her childish figure a great tenderness for her +filled my mind. She is very beautiful and to me desirable above all +women; I can see her as she lay there trustfully at my feet. I will +describe her, and then, when I get her photograph, I will read this +when I am far away on a trip. + +She is of average height, for I am just over six feet and she reaches +to just above my shoulder. Her hair is gloriously thick and of a deep +black colour, and lies low on her forehead. Her complexion is of the +purest whiteness beyond compare, which but accentuates the red warmth +of the lips which encircle her little mouth. Her figure is slight and +her ankles are my delight, but her crowning glories, which I have +purposely left till last, are her eyes. + +I feel I could lose my soul; I have lost it, if I have one, in the +violet depths of those eyes, which were veiled as she slept by the long +black eyelashes which curled up delicately as they rested on her +cheeks. I have re-read this description, and it is oh, so unsatisfying; +would I had the pen of a Goethe or a Shakespeare, yet for want of more +skill the description shall stand. + +How I long for her to be mine, and yet, unfortunate that I am, I cannot +for certain declare that she loves me. + +A thousand doubts arise. I torment myself with recollections of her +behaviour at the dinner-party, when within two hours of our first +meeting she gave me her lips. + +Yet did I not first roughly kiss her as we danced? + +I find consolation in the fact that, though she has said nothing, yet +her conduct to-day was different. She was so quiet after tea as we +wandered back through the forests with the setting sun striking golden +beams aslant the tree trunks. + +Before we left I sang to her Tchaikowsky's beautiful song, "To the +Forest," and I think she was pleased, for I may say with justice that +my voice is of high quality for an amateur, and the song goes well +without an accompaniment, whilst the atmosphere and surroundings were +ideal. + +There was only one jarring note in a perfect day; when we returned to +the car the chauffeur permitted himself a sardonic grin. Zoe +unfortunately saw it and blushed scarlet. + +I could have struck him on his impudent mouth, but for her sake I +judged it advisable to notice nothing. + +I feel I could go on writing about her all night, but it is nearly 2 +a.m. I must get some sleep. + +The guns rumble steadily in the south-west, and the sky is lit by their +flashes; may the fighting on the Somme be bloody these coming days. + + + + +[_Probably about ten days later.--Etienne._] + + +We leave to-night, having had a longer spell than usual. I am in a +distracted state of mind. Since our glorious day in the forest I have +seen her nearly every afternoon, though twice that swine Alten has kept +me in the boat in connection with some replacements of the battery. + +I have found out that, like me, she is intensely musical. She plays +beautifully on the piano, and we had long hours together playing Chopin +and Beethoven; we also played some of Moussorgsky's duets, but I love +her best when she plays Chopin, the composer pre-eminent of love and +passion. + +She has masses of music, as the Colonel gives her what she likes. We +also played a lot of Debussy. At first I demurred at playing a living +French composer's works, but she pouted and looked so adorable that all +my scruples vanished in an instant, so we closed all the doors and she +played it for hours very softly whilst I forgot the war and all its +horrors and remembered only that I was with the well-beloved girl. + +The Colonel writes from Thiepval, where the British are pouring out +their blood like water. He writes very interesting letters, and has had +many narrow escapes, but unfortunately he seems to bear a charmed life. +His letters are full of details, and I wonder he gets them past the +Field Censorship, but I suppose he censors his own. + +She laughs at them and calls them her Colonel's dispatches; she says he +is so accustomed to writing official reports that the poor old man +can't write an ordinary letter. + +I told her that I thought the way he mentioned regiments and +dispositions rather indiscreet, and she agrees, but she says he has +asked her to keep them, with a view to forming a collection of letters +written from the front whilst the incidents he describes are vivid in +his mind. I suppose the old ass knows his own business, and one day the +collection may be completed by a telegram "Regretting to announce, etc. +etc." The sooner the better. + +So the days passed pleasantly enough, and never by a gesture or word of +mouth did she show that I was more to her than any other pleasant young +man. + +I kissed her when I arrived, I kissed her when I left, each day was the +same. She would put her arms round my neck and look long and deeply +into my eyes, then she would gently kiss my lips. Not an atom of +emotion! not a spark from the fires which I feel must be raging beneath +that diabolically [1] extraordinary [1] amazingly calm exterior. + +[Footnote 1: These words are crossed out.--ETIENNE.] + +On ordinary subjects she would chatter vivaciously enough and she can +talk in a fascinating manner on every subject I care to bring up, but +as soon as I drew the conversation round to a personal line she +gradually became more silent and a far-away and distant look came into +those wonderful eyes. + +I have found out nothing about her beyond the fact that she has +travelled all over Europe. I don't even know how old she is, but I +should guess twenty-six. + +I tried to find out a few details by means of discreet remarks at the +Club and elsewhere. + +She simply arrived here about a year ago--as a singer, and met the +Colonel--beyond that, all is mystery. Everything about her attracts me +powerfully, and this mystery adds subtleties to her charms. + +This afternoon I went to say good-bye; I told her we were leaving +"shortly," and she gently reproved me for disobeying the order which +forbids discussion of movements, but I could see she was not greatly +displeased. + +After tea she played to me, music of the modern Russian +school--Arensky, Sibelius and Pilsuki; a storm was brewing and we both +felt sad. + +She played for an hour or so, and then came and sat by me on a low +divan by the fire. We were silent for a long while in the gathering +gloom, whilst a thousand thoughts chased each other swiftly through my +brain, as I endeavoured to summon up courage to say what I had +determined I must say before I left her, perhaps for ever. + +At last, when only her profile was visible against the glow of the +logs, I spoke. + +I told her quietly, calmly and almost dispassionately that I had grown +to love her and that to me she was life itself. I told her that I had +tried not to speak until I could endure no longer. + +She sat very still as I spoke, and when I had finished there was a long +silence and I gently stretched out my hand and stroked her lovely black +hair. At last she rose and with averted face walked across the room, +and stood looking at the storm through the big bow windows. I watched +her, but did not dare follow. + +At length she returned to me, and I saw what I had instinctively known +the whole time--that she had been crying. I could not think why. + +She put her arms round my neck, kissed me on the forehead and murmured, +"Poor Karl." + +I felt crushed; I dared not move for fear of breaking the magic of the +moment, yet I longed to know more; I felt overwhelmed by some colossal +mystery that seemed to be enveloping me in its folds. Why did she pity +me? Why did she weep? Why didn't she answer my avowal? Why didn't she +tell me something? Such were some of the problems that perplexed me. + +It was thus when the clock chimed seven. I told her that my leave was +up at seven o'clock, and that at 7.15 I had to be back on board the +boat. She remembered this, and in an instant the past quarter of an +hour might never have existed. She was all agitation and nervousness +lest I should be late on board--though at the moment I would have +cheerfully missed the boat to hear her say she loved me. + +I tried to protest, but in vain. With feminine quickness she utilized +the incident to avoid a situation she evidently found full of +difficulty, and at 7.10, with the memory of a light kiss on my lips and +her God-speed in my ears I was in a taxi driving to the docks in a +blinding rain-storm--and we sail to-night. + +For five, six, seven, perhaps ten days at the least, and at the most +for ever, I am doomed to be away from her and without news of her. And +I don't even know whether she loves me! + +I think I can say she cares for me up to a certain point, but I want +more. + + "Oh Zoe! of the violet eyes, + And hair of blackest night + Thy lips are brightest crimson, + Thy skin is dazzling white. + + "Oh! lay your head upon my breast, + And lift your lips to mine; + Then murmur in soft breathings, + Drink deep from what is thine. + + "Then let the war rage onward, + Let kingdoms rise and fall; + To each shall be the other, + Their life, their hope, their all." + +[Footnote: I am indebted to Commander C. C. for the above rough +translation of Karl's effusion.--ETIENNE.] + + + + +_At sea._ + + +We are bound for the same old spot as last time. + +Alten must have been drinking like a fish lately; his breath smells +like a distillery; he is apparently partial to schnapps, which he gets +easily in Bruges. + +I can't help admiring the man, as he is a rigid teetotaller at sea, +though he must find the strain well nigh intolerable, judging from the +condition he was in when he came on board last night. He was really +totally unfit to take charge of the boat, and I virtually took her down +the canal, though with sottish obstinacy he insisted on remaining on +the bridge. + +This morning, though his complexion was a hideous yellow colour, he +seems quite all right. I shall play a little trick on him at dinner +to-night. + +I have begun to get to know some of the crew by now; they are a fine +lot of youngsters with a seasoning of half a dozen older men. The +coxswain, Schmitt by name, is a splendid old petty officer who has been +in the U-boat service since 1911. + +His favourite enjoyment is to spin yarns to the younger members of the +crew, who know of his weakness and play up to it. + +He has a favourite expression which runs thus: + +"His Majesty the Kaiser said Germany's future lies on the sea; I say +Germany's future lies under the sea." + +He is inordinately fond of this statement, and the youngsters +continually say: "What made you take to U-boat work, Schmitt?" and the +invariable reply is as above. When he has been asked the question about +half a dozen times in the course of a day, he is liable to become +suspicious, and if his questioner is within range Schmitt stares at him +for a few seconds in an absent-minded way, then an arm like that of a +gorilla shoots out, and the quizzer (_Untersucher_) receives a +resounding box on the ears to the huge delight of his companions. The +old man then permits his iron-lipped mouth to relax into a caustic +smile, after which he is left in peace for some time. + +At the wheel he is an artist, for he seems to divine what the next +order is going to be, or if he is steering her on a course he predicts +the direction of the next wave even as a skilful chess player works out +the moves ahead. + + * * * * * + +I am rather weary and ought to go to bed, but before I lose the savour +I must record the splendid fun I had with Alten at dinner. + +We were dining alone, as the navigator was on the bridge, and the +engineer was busy with a slight leak in the cooking water service. I +have said that, though a heavy drinker by nature, Alten is a strict +abstainer at sea. Accordingly I produced a small flask of rum, half-way +through dinner, and helped myself to a liberal tot, placing the liquor +between us on the table. As the sight met his eyes and the aroma +greeted his nostrils, a gleam of joy flashed across his face, to be +succeeded by a frown. + +With an amiable smile I proffered the flask to him, remarking at the +same time: "You don't drink at sea, do you?" + +In a thick voice he muttered, "No! Yes--no! thank you." + +With an air of having noticed nothing, I resumed my meal, but out of +the corner of my eye I watched his left hand on the table near the +flask. It was most interesting, all the veins stood out like ropes, and +his knuckles almost burst through the skin. + +This went on for about thirty seconds, when he choked out something +about needing a breath of fresh air. As he got up his face was brick +red, and I almost thought he'd have a fit. + +Whether by accident or design he pulled the cloth as he got out from +between the settee and the table and upset the flask. + +He was apparently incapable of apologizing, for he rushed up on deck. + +A few minutes later the navigating officer came down and asked what was +up? + +I said: "What do you mean?" + +He said: "Well, the Captain came up just now, swearing like a trooper, +and told me to get to the devil out of it; it didn't seem advisable to +question him, so I got out of it and came down." + +I expressed my opinion that the Captain must be feeling sea-sick and +was ashamed to say so. I also suggested to the navigator that he should +take the Captain a little brandy in case he was not feeling well, but +the navigator declared he was going to stay down in the warmth till he +was sent for. Alten is a great coarse brute. Fancy allowing a material +substance such as alcohol to grip one's mentality. + +Thank Heaven I have nerves of iron; nothing would affect me! + +And now to bed, though I must just read my account of our day in the +forest. Darling girl, may I dream of thee. + + * * * * * + +We laid our mines without trouble at 5 a.m. this morning, though at +midnight we had a most unpleasant experience. + +I was asleep, as it was my morning watch, when I was awakened by the +harsh rattle of the diving alarms. + +The Diesel subsided with a few spasmodic coughs into silence, and as I +jumped out of my bunk and groped for my short sea boots, the navigator +and helmsman came tumbling down the conning tower, with the navigator +shouting, "Take her down," as hard as you like. + +The men at the planes had them "hard-to-dive" in an instant. + +The vents had been opened as the hooters sounded, and Alten, who had +jumped into the control room, immediately rang down, "All out on the +electric motors." + +In thirty seconds from the original alarm we were at an angle of twenty +degrees down by the bow, and I had sat down heavily on the battery +boards, completely surprised by the sudden tilt of the deck. + +It occurred to me that the air was escaping through the vents with a +strangely loud noise, but before I could consider the matter further or +even inquire the reason for this sudden dive, the noise increased to a +terrifying extent, and whilst I prepared myself for the worst it +culminated into a roar as of fifty express trains going through a +tunnel, mingled with the noise of a high-powered aeroplane engine. + +The roar drummed and beat and shook the boat, then died away as +suddenly as it came; a moment later there was a severe jar. We had +struck the bottom, still maintaining our angle. + +I painfully got to my feet and then discovered from the navigator that +he had suddenly seen two white patches of foam 800 yards on the +starboard bow, which resolved themselves into the bow waves of a +destroyer approaching at full speed to ram. + +We had dived just in time, and her knife-edged bow, driven by 30,000 +horse power, had slid through the water a very few feet above our +conning tower. + +Luckily he had not dropped any depth charges. We were not, however, +completely free of our troubles, though we had cheated the destroyer. + +Examination of the chart, showed the bottom to be mud, and on +attempting to move the foremost hydroplanes, the plane motor fuses blew +out. This showed that the boat was buried in the mud right up to her +foremost planes, which were immovable. + +The hydrophone watchkeeper reported that he could still hear +fast-running propellers, though probably some distance away, and as +this showed that our old enemy was still nosing about we were very +anxious not to break surface. We just blew "A." [1] At least we started +to blow "A," but Alten wisely decided that, as it was a calm night with +a half-moon, the bubbles on the surface might be rather conspicuous, so +we stopped the blow and put the pump on. We also flooded "W". [2] This +had no effect on her at all. + +[Footnote 1: Probably their foremost internal tank.--ETIENNE.] + +[Footnote 2: Presumably their after internal tank.--ETIENNE.] + +We then pumped out "Q" and "P," leaving "W" full, and adjusted our trim +to give her only three tons negative buoyancy, just enough to keep us +on the bottom if she came out of the mud. + +In this position we went full speed astern on the motors, 1,500 amps on +each, and all the crew in the after-compartment. No result. We then +pumped the outer diving tanks on the port side to give her a list to +starboard. Still she remained fixed. + +So at 2 a.m. we decided to risk it and we put a slow blow on all tanks. + +When she had about fifty tons positive buoyancy she suddenly bucketed +up, and, as the motors were running full speed astern at the time, we +came up and broke surface stern first. In a few seconds we were trimmed +down again, and as a precautionary measure we proceeded for a couple of +miles at twenty metres, when, coming up to periscope depth, we +surfaced, and finding all clear we proceeded. We were put down by a +trawler at dawn, though she never saw us. After half an hour's hanging +about she moved off, which was lucky, as she was right on our billet. + +We are now proceeding to a spot somewhat to the eastward of Cape St. +Abbs, [3] as we have instructions to do a two-days patrol here and sink +shipping. + +[Footnote 3: St. Abbs Head.--ETIENNE] + +We ought to start business to-morrow morning. + + * * * * * + +We should be in to-night, then for my little Zoe! + +But I must record what we have done. Already I am getting much pleasure +from reading my diary. Strange how it amuses one to see little bits of +oneself on paper, and the less garnished and franker the truths the +more entertaining it is. + +[Illustration: "The torpedo had jumped clean out of the water a hundred +yards short of the steamer and had then dived under her."] + +[Illustration: "We were put down by a trawler at dawn."] + +[Illustration: A moment later there was a severe jar; we had struck +the bottom] + +The hours here are so long and boring at times that I feel I want to +talk intimately with someone. Failing Zoe I turn to my notebooks. + +The first steamer we sighted raised high hopes, at least her smoke did, +for we saw enough smoke on the horizon to make us think we were to see +the Grand Fleet, and we promptly dived. We cruised towards her for +about half an hour, and then hung about where we were, as we found that +her course would take the ship close to us. + +As the situation developed, Alten, who was up in the conning tower at +the "A" periscope, gave us a certain amount of information, and we +gathered that all this smoke was pouring out of the pipe-stem tunnel of +a wretched little English tramp. + +I found it most irritating, standing in the control room (my action +station) and not knowing what was going on. + +There is only one good job in a submarine and that is the Captain's. He +knows and decides everything. The rest of us are in his hands and take +things on trust. I object on principle to my life being held in Alten's +hands. It is all very well for the crew, for, to start with, they have +no imagination, and to most of them their mental horizon stops at the +walls of the boat. Secondly, they have the consolation of mechanical +activities; they make and break switches and open and close +valves--they work with their hands. An officer has imagination, and +only works with his head. + +As we attacked the steamer, all one heard was murmurs from Alten, such +as: "Raise!" "Lower!" "Take her down to ten metres!" "Half speed!" +"Slow!" "Bring her up to five metres!" "Raise!" "Lower!" + +I endeavoured to simulate an air of unconcern which I was far from +feeling. + +Not that I was a prey to physical fear; I flatter myself it is so far +unknown to me, and there was no great danger, but simply that I longed +to know what was happening. At length I heard the welcome order: + +"Starboard tube. Stand by!" + +Which was followed almost immediately by the order: "Fire!" + +There was a kind of coughing grunt, and the starboard torpedo proceeded +on its errand of destruction. + +Every ear was strained for the sound of the explosion, but all we were +vouchsafed was a torrent of blasphemy from Alten. + +The torpedo had jumped clean out of the water a hundred yards short of +the steamer, and had then evidently dived under the ship; so I gathered +later when Alten had calmed down somewhat. We were about to surface and +give her the gun, when luckily Alten took a good sweep round with the +skyscraper and discovered one of those wretched little airships about a +mile away, coming towards the steamer, which was wailing piteously, on +her syren. + +As the chart showed forty metres we decided to bottom and have lunch. + +Over lunch we discussed the misadventure. Alten was loud in his curses +of Tanzerman (the torpedo lieutenant at Bruges), from whom he had got +the torpedo in guaranteed good condition only forty-eight hours before +we sailed. He launched forth into a tirade against the torpedo staff at +Bruges, and, warming to his subject, he roundly abused the whole of the +depot personnel, whom he stigmatized as a set of hard-drinking, +shore-loafing ruffians, who were incapable of realizing that they +existed for the benefit of the boats' personnel and "material." + +I naturally disagreed, and did so the more readily that I +conscientiously disagree with him. I find that there is a tendency on +the part of some of these submarine officers, who have been U-boating a +long time, to get into narrow grooves. Most reserve officers are not +like this, as they have only been in during the war. Alten is an +exception; he left the Hamburg-Amerika on two years' half pay in 1912, +and was, of course, kept on in 1914. After all, the depot staff are +Germans, and as such labour for the Fatherland, and though their work +in office and workship is not so dangerous as ours, on the other hand +they have not got the stimulation before their eyes, of glory to be +gained. Personally I am of the opinion that the torpedo broke surface +because, being fired from the outside tubes, it probably started too +shallow, dived deep, recovered shallow and dived deep, broke surface +and dived very deep. A sticky motor or sluggish weight would give this +effect. + +And are these external tubes water-tight? Theoretically, yes, but what +of practice? We have been down to forty metres several times during +this trip, and not once have we had a chance on the surface of getting +at the two external tubes; add to which our depth gear, with the pivots +of the weight exposed to water if the tube does flood and then you have +rust, corrosion and heaven knows what complications. + +I saw a British Mark 11.50 torpedo at the torpedo shop at Bruges the +other day, and I was much struck with their deep depth gear, which is +of the unrestrained Uhlan type, i.e., weight and valve interdependent. +But then the main feature is that the whole gear is contained in a +separate water-tight chamber. + +Our system is certainly a great saving in space, and is much neater in +design, whilst I prefer the Uhlan principle of valve conjuncting with +weight, but it would be interesting to know whether the British have +much trouble with the depth-keeping of their torpedo. + +I have written quite a disquisition on depth gears; I must get on with +my record of events. + +After lunch we had a good look round, but the small airship was still +hanging about, flying slowly in large circles. + +We were rather surprised to meet one of these despicable little +sausages or "Zeppelin's Spawn," as the navigator calls them, so far +from land, and at dark we surfaced and proceeded on one engine on an +easterly course, charging the battery right up with the other engine. + +Dawn revealed a blank horizon, not a vestige of mast, funnel or smoke +in sight. + +We ambled along in fine though cold weather, and I took advantage of +the peacefulness of everything to do a really good series of Müller on +the upper deck, stripped to the waist, and allowed the keen air to play +its invigorating currents on my torso. + +Alten silently watched me from the conning tower, with a sneering +expression on his face. The navigator, who is quite a decent youngster, +though of no family, was, I could plainly see, struck by my +development, and asked to be initiated into the series of exercises. I +agreed willingly enough to show them to him. I will confess I wish Zoe +could have seen me as I perspired with healthy exercise. + +At about 11 a.m. a couple of masts, then two more, then another, +appeared above the horizon. The visibility was extreme, so we at once +dived and proceeded at full speed, ten metres. + +We had been going thus for perhaps half an hour when Alten remarked +that he would have another look at the convoy. We eased speed, came up +to six metres, and Alten proceeded up into the conning tower to use "A" +periscope. + +He had hardly applied his eye to the lens when he sharply ordered the +boat to ten metres, accompanying this order with another to the motor +room demanding utmost speed (_Ausserste Kraft_). I went up to the +conning tower and found him white with excitement. + +"Look!" he exclaimed, pointing to the periscope, entirely forgetful of +the fact that we were at ten metres. I looked, and of course saw +nothing; furious at the trick I considered he had played on me I turned +on him, to be disarmed by his apology. + +"Sorry! I forgot! The whole British battle cruiser force is there." + +It was now my turn to be excited, and I rushed down to the motor room +determined to give her every amp she would take. The port foremost +motor was sparking like the devil, rings of cursed sparks shooting +round the commutator, but this was no time for ceremony. I relentlessly +ordered the field current to be still further reduced. + +We were actually running with an F.C. of 3.75 amps, [1] for a period, +when the sparking assumed the appearance of a ring of fire and, fearing +a commutator strip would melt, I ordered an F.C. of five amps. + +[Footnote 1: The lower the field current the faster the motor goes. +3.75 is almost incredibly low for a motor of this type--at least +according to British practice.--ETIENNE.] + +We thus passed a quarter of an hour full of strain, the tension of +which was reflected in the attitude of all the men. Alten had announced +his intention of using the stern torpedo tube after his failure in the +morning, and the crew of this tube were crouched at their stations like +a gun's crew in the last few seconds preparatory to opening fire. The +switchboard attendants gripped the regulating rheostatts as if by their +personal efforts they could urge the boat on faster. Old Schmitt, at +the helm, never lifted his eyes from the compass repeater. + +At length: "Slow both!" "Bring her to six metres!" came from the +conning tower, to which place I proceeded to hear the news. + +Slowly the periscope was raised and I held my breath; a groan came from +Alten and he turned away. For a fraction of a second I was almost +pleased at his obvious pain, then, sick with disappointment, I took his +place. + +Yes! it was all over. There they were, and with hungry eyes and +depressed heart I saw five great battle cruisers, of which I recognized +the _Tiger_ with her three great funnels, the _Princess Royal_, _Lion_ +and two others, zigzagging along at 25 knots, at a distance of 12,000 +metres, across our bow. + +They were surrounded by a numerous screen of destroyers and light +cruisers, the former at that range through the periscope appearing as +black smudges. + +It is not often one is permitted such a spectacle in modern war, and I +could not tear myself away from the sight of those great brutes, whom I +had fought when in the _Derflingger_ at Dogger Bank and again when in +the _König_ at Jutland. So near and yet so far, and as they rapidly +drew away so did all the visions of an Iron Cross. As soon as they were +out of sight, we surfaced in order to report what we had seen to +Zeebrugge and Heligoland. + +Everything seemed against us. I had gone on the bridge with the +navigator; Alten, with a face as black as hell, had gone to the +wardroom. About ten minutes elapsed when I heard a fearful altercation +going on below. I stepped down to find the young wireless operator +trembling in front of Alten, who was overwhelming him with a flood of +abuse. As I reached the wardroom, Alten shook his fist in the man's +face and bellowed: + +"Make the d---- thing work, I tell you." + +"Impossible, Captain, the main condenser----" the man began. + +Purple with rage, Alten seized a heavy pair of parallel rulers, and +before I could check him hurled them full in the operator's face. +Bleeding copiously, the youth fell to the deck in a stunned condition. + +It was then, for the first time, that I noticed a half-empty bottle of +spirits on the table, which colossal quantity he must have consumed in +about a quarter of an hour. + +Turning to me, this semi-madman pointed to the wireless operator with +his foot and growled: + +"Have him removed." + +This I did, and then, lowering the periscope, I ordered the boat to +fifteen metres. We proceeded at this depth until 8 p.m., when I was +informed that the Captain was in his bunk and wished to see me. + +I discovered him with his face to the ship's side, and upon my +reporting myself he ordered me, firstly to throw that blasted bottle +overboard (an unnecessary proceeding, as it was empty), and secondly to +surface and shape course for Zeebrugge. + +At midnight he relieved me, apparently perfectly normal. + +The wireless operator has been laid up all day and has a nasty cut on +the head. The navigator, a great scandal-monger, has heard from the +engineer that Alten was speaking to him alone this morning, and the +engineer believes that Alten has given him five hundred marks to say he +fell down a hatch. + +Hooray! Blankenberg buoy has just been reported in sight! Soon I shall +see my Zoe! + + * * * * * + +With what high hopes did I write the last few lines a few hours ago, +and how they were dashed to the ground, for on going into the Mess at +Bruges I found amongst my letters a note from her, which was terrible +in its brevity. She simply said: + + +"DEAR KARL, + +"I am going away for some days, and as I shall be travelling it is no +good giving you an address. To our next meeting! + +"ZOE." + + +How horribly vague; not an indication of her destination, her object, +or the probable length of her absence. Of course I rushed round to the +flat, but found the place shut up. The porter told me she had gone away +with her maid. He couldn't say when she'd be back--if at all! I gave +him ten marks, and he said she might be away a fortnight. If I'd given +him twenty he'd have said a week; he obviously didn't know. + +I feel I could do anything to-night; any mad, evil thing would appeal +to me. + +There is a most fearful uproar coming from the guest-room, where a +large and rowdy party are entertaining the chorus of a travelling +_revue_ company. I saw them when they arrived, horribly common-looking +women, with legs like mine tubes. + + * * * * * + +Another day and still no news; I don't know how I shall stick it. She +might have had the softness of heart to write to me. She knows my +address. + +This evening a letter from the little mother, who asks whether I can +find time to go to Frankfurt when I have leave; at the end of the +letter she mentions that Rosa has joined the Women's Voluntary +Auxiliary Corps of Army Nurses. I suppose she thought she'd like her +photograph taken in some fancy uniform as "Rosa Freinland, one of our +Frankfurt beauties, now on war work!" Holding the patient's hand is +about the only work she intends doing. + +Women as a class are the same the world over. We are well supplied with +English papers in the Mess here; they come regularly from Amsterdam, +and in their pages I see, just as in ours, pictures of the Countess +this and the Lord that, photographed in becoming attitudes doing war +work. It seems agricultural pursuits are the fashion in England at +present--wait till our U-boat war gets its knife well into their fat +guts, it will be more than fashionable to work in the fields then. + +The British Empire is undeniably a great creation, or rather not so +much a creation as a thing arrived at accidentally, but it lacks +solidarity. It sprawls, a confused mass of races and creeds, around the +world. Its very immensity lays it open to attack, it has a dozen +Achilles heels from Ireland to Egypt and South Africa to India. + +I met a man only yesterday who was recently at the propaganda +department of the Foreign Office, and without going into details he +gave me a very good idea of the good work that is going on in Britain's +canker spots. + +Ireland is considered particularly promising to those in the know. + +Now for an agitated night! To think that a girl should disturb me so! + + * * * * * + +Two days have passed, or, rather, dragged their interminable lengths +away, for there is still not a vestige of news. I have been twice to +the flat with no result, except to receive a piece of impertinence from +the porter the last time I was there. + +No news. + + * * * * * + +Still no news, and we sail in forty-eight hours. + + + + +_At sea, off the Isle of Wight_. + + +It is some days since I turned for solace and enjoyment, amidst the +discomforts of this life, to my pen and notebook. + +What strange tricks fate plays with us, and how lucky it is that one +cannot foresee the future. + +Here I am in U.39--but I must start at the beginning. My last entry was +the depressing one of still no news. Well, I have had news, but it was +like a drop of water in the mouth of a parched-up man. Another +agonizing twenty-four hours passed, and I was sitting in my room about +ten o'clock, trying to resign myself to the idea that the next night I +should be starting out for my third trip without news of her, when the +telephone bell rang. I lifted the receiver and to my amazed joy heard a +voice that I could have recognized in a thousand. It was Zoe! + +I was quite incapable of any remark, and my confusion was further +increased when, after a few "Hello's," which I idiotically repeated, +her clear, level tones said: "Is that you, Karl? How are you?" How was +I? What a question to ask! I wanted to tell her that I was bubbling +with joy, that a thousand-kilogramme load had been lifted from my +chest, that my blood was coursing through my veins, that I, usually so +cool, was trembling with excitement, that I could have kissed the +mouthpiece of the humble instrument that linked us together. Yet I was +quite incapable of answering her simple question! I can't imagine what +I expected her to say, for upon reflection her remark was a very +ordinary one, and indeed under the circumstances quite natural, but, as +I say, in actual fact I was tongue-tied. + +I suppose I must have said something, for I next remember her saying: +"Well, you might ask how I am;" and to my horror I realized that she +thought I was being rude! + +My abject apologies were cut short by her tantalizing laugh, and I +understood that the adorable one was teasing me. When at length I made +myself believe that I really was talking to this most elusive and +delightful woman I wasted no time in suggesting that, late though it +was, I might be permitted to go round and see her. She would not permit +this, as she said it would create grave scandal, and the Colonel might +hear about it upon his return. I pleaded hard and urged my departure in +twenty-four hours. + +She was firm and reproved me for discussing movements over the +telephone. She was right; I was a fool to do so; but Zoe destroys all +my caution. However, she said that I might lunch with her next day, and +that she had some new music to play to me. I ventured to ask where she +had been, but this question was plainly unpleasing to my lady, so I +dropped the subject. I blew her a goodnight kiss over the telephone, to +which I think I caught an answer, and then she rang off. + +Ten minutes had not elapsed, when a messenger entered and informed me +that I was wanted at the Commodore's office at once. + +A strange feeling of uneasiness and that of impending misfortune +overcame me. I felt like a naughty school-boy about to interview the +headmaster. + +I followed the messenger into the Commodore's office, and found myself +alone with the great man. He was seated at a huge roll-top desk, which +was the only article of furniture in a room which was to all intents +and purposes papered with large scale charts of the east and south +coasts of England and of the Channel and North Sea. + +The Commodore was sealing an envelope as I came in; he looked up and +saw me, then, without taking any further notice of me, he resumed his +business with the envelope. I felt that I was in the presence of a +personality, and I was, for "Old Man Max" is one of the ten men who +count in the Naval Administration. He had a reading lamp on his desk, +and I remember noticing that the light shining through its green shade +imparted a yellow parchment-like effect to the top of his old bald +head. With dainty care he finished sealing the envelope, then, picking +up a telephone transmitter, he snapped "Admiralty!" In about a minute +he was connected, and to my astonishment I realized that he was talking +to the duty captain of the operations department in Berlin. + +His words chilled my heart, for he said: "Commodore speaking! U.39 +sails at 2 a.m. for operation F.Q.H.--Repeat." + +His words were apparently repeated to his satisfaction, for while I was +vainly endeavouring to convince myself that I was unconnected with the +sailing of U.39, he banged the receiver into place (Old Man Max does +everything in bangs) and snapped at me. + +"You Lieutenant Von Schenk?" + +I admitted I was, and then heard this disgusting news. + +"Kranz, 1st Lieutenant U.39, reported suddenly ill, Zeebrugge, +poisoning--you relieve him. Ship sails in one hour forty minutes from +now--my car leaves here in forty minutes and takes you to Zeebrugge. +Here are operation orders--inform Von Weissman he acknowledges receipt +direct to me on 'phone. That's all." + +He handed me the envelope and I suppose I walked outside--at least I +found myself in the corridor turning the confounded envelope round and +round. For one mad moment I felt like rushing in and saying: "But, sir, +you don't understand I'm lunching with Zoe to-morrow!" + +Then the mental picture which this idea conjured up made me shake with +suppressed laughter and I remembered that war was war and that I had +only thirty-five minutes in which to collect such gear as I had +handy--most of my sea things being in U.C.47--and say goodbye to Zoe. + +I ran to my room and made the corridors echo with shouts for my +faithful Adolf. The excellent man was soon on the scene, and whilst he +stuffed underclothing, towels and other necessary gear into a bag he +had purloined from someone's room, I rang up Zoe. I wasted ten minutes +getting through, but at last I heard a deliciously sleepy voice murmur, +"Who's that?" + +I told her, and added that I was off; to my secret joy, an intensely +disappointed and long-drawn "Oooh!" came over the wire. So she does +care a bit, I thought. Mad ideas of pretending to be suddenly ill +crossed my mind--anything to gain twenty-four hours--but the Fatherland +is above all such considerations, and after some pleasant talk and many +wishes of good luck from the darling girl, with a heavy heart I bade +her good-night. + +The Old Man's car, which is a sixty horse-power Benz, was waiting at +the Mess entrance, and once clear of the sentries we raced down the +flat, well-metalled road to Zeebrugge in a very short time. The guard +at Bruges barrier had 'phoned us through to the Zeebrugge fortified +zone, and we were admitted without delay. In three-quarters of an hour +from my interview with old Max I was scrambling across a row of U-boats +to reach my new ship, U.39. + +I went down the after hatch, reported myself to Von Weissman and +delivered his orders to him, of which he acknowledged receipt direct to +the Commodore according to instructions. Von Weissman is a very +different stamp of man to Alten; of medium height, he has +sandy-coloured hair, steel-grey eyes and a protruding jaw. He is what +he looks, a fine North Prussian, and is, of course, of excellent +family, as the Weissmans have been settled in Grinetz for a long +period. + +He struck me as being about thirty years of age, and on his heart he +wore the Cross of the second class. I have heard of him before as being +well in the running towards an _ordre pour le mérite_. + +An interesting chart is hanging in the wardroom, on which is marked the +last resting-place of every ship he has sunk. He puts a coloured dot, +the tint of which varies with the tonnage, black up to 2,000, blue from +2,000-5,000, brown 5,000-8,000, green 8,000-11,000, and a red spot with +the ship's name for anything over 11,000. He has got about 120,000 tons +at present. He opposes the Arnauld de la Perrière school of thought, +which pins faith on the gun, and Weissman has done nearly all his work +with the good old torpedo. + +Altogether, undoubtedly a man to serve with. + +The U.39 was in that buzzing and semi-active condition which to a +trained eye is a sure indication that the ship is about to sail. +Punctually at five minutes to 2 a.m. Weissman went to the bridge, and +at 2 a.m. the wires were slipped and we started on a ten days' trip. As +the dim lights on the mole disappeared and the ceaseless fountain of +star-shells, mingling with the flashing of guns, rose inland on our +port beam my mind travelled overland to the flat at Bruges, and I +wondered whether Zoe was lying awake listening to the ceaseless rumble +of the Flanders cannon. We went on at full speed, as it was our +intention to pass the Dover Straits before dawn. Though our +intelligence bureau issues the most alarming reports as to the +frightfulness of the defences here I was agreeably surprised at the +ease with which we passed. Von Weissman, to whom I had hinted that we +might find the passage tricky, rather laughed at my suggestion, and +described to me his method, which, at all events, has the merit of +simplicity. + +He always goes through with the tide, so as to take as short a time as +possible, and he always decides on a course and steers it as closely as +possible, keeping to the surface unless he sights anything, and diving +as soon as anything shows up. Even if he dives he goes on as fast as +possible on his course, irrespective of whether he is being bombed or +not. + +I must say it worked very well last night. We shaped a course to pass +five miles west of Gris Nez, and when that light, which for some reason +the French had commodiously lit that night, was abeam, we sighted a +black object, probably a trawler or destroyer, about half a dozen miles +away right ahead. Weissman immediately dived and, without deviating a +degree from his course, held on at three-quarters speed on the motors. +Some time later the hydrophone watchkeeper reported the sound of +propellers in his listeners, and that he judged them to be close at +hand, so I imagine we passed very nearly directly underneath whatever +it was. + +After an hour's submerging we rose, and found dawn breaking over a +leaden and choppy sea. Nothing being in sight, we continued on the +surface for an hour, charging batteries with the starboard engine (500 +amps on each), but at 9 a.m., the clouds lying low and an aerial patrol +being frequent hereabouts, we dived and cruised steadily down channel +at slow speed, keeping periscope depth. + +Several times in the course of the forenoon we sighted small destroyers +and convoy craft [1] in the distance, all steering westerly. They were +probably returning from escorting troopships over to France last night. +In every case we went to sixty feet long before they could have seen +our "stick." [2] Weissman is evidently as cautious in this matter as he +is hardy in others; the more I see of him the more I like him; he is a +man of breeding, and it is of value to serve in this boat. + +[Footnote 1: Probably "P" boats.--ETIENNE.] + +[Footnote 2: Periscope.--ETIENNE.] + +As I write we are on the surface about ten miles east of the Isle of +Wight, still steering down channel. To-night at midnight we report our +position to Zeebrugge, up till now we have maintained wireless silence +for fear of the British and French directional stations picking up our +signals and fixing our position. + +After supper this evening Von Weissman explained to me the general plan +of our operations for the next eight days. Our cruising billet is about +150 miles south-west of the Scillys, at the focal point where trade for +Liverpool and Bristol and the up-channel trade diverges. Von Weissman +says that this is a plum billet and we should do well. + +I feel this is going to be better than those piffling little +mine-laying trips, and though we shall be away ten days, it will +qualify me for four days' leave in Belgium. + + * * * * * + +There was nearly an awkward moment last night, or, rather, there was an +awkward moment, and nearly an awkward accident. I relieved the +navigator at midnight (the pilot is an unassuming individual called +Siegel) and took on the middle watch. It was blowing about force 4 from +the south-west, and a nasty short, lumpy sea was running which caught +us just on the port bow. About once every ten seconds she missed her +step with the waves and, dipping her nose into it, shovelled up tons of +water, which, as the bow lifted, raced aft and, breaking against the +gun, flung itself in clouds of spray against the bridge. In a very few +minutes every exposed portion of me was streaming with water. + +At about 2 a.m. I had turned my back to the sea for a moment, and my +thoughts were for an instant in Bruges, when, on facing forward once +again I saw a sight which effectually brought me back to earth. + +This was the spectacle of two black shapes, evidently steamers, one on +either bow, distant, I should estimate, 600 or 700 metres. I had to +make a quick decision, and I decided that to fire a torpedo in that sea +with any hope of a hit, especially with the boat on surface, was +useless; furthermore, that at any moment either of the steamers might +sight us from their high bridge and turn and ram. + +These thoughts were the work of an instant, and I at once rang the +diving bell, and, pushing the look-out before me, in five seconds I was +in the conning tower and had the hatch down. I at once proceeded down +into the boat, and the first thing that struck my eye was the diving +gauge with the needle practically stationary at two metres. + +The boat was not going down properly! and for an instant I was rudely +shaken, until a cool voice from the wardroom remarked, "Helm hard +a-port," an order that was instantly obeyed, and as she began to turn +the moving needle on the depth gauge began its journey round the dial. +It was the Captain who had spoken. As soon as he heard the diving alarm +he was out of his bunk, and a glance at the gauge he has fitted in the +wardroom told him we were not sinking rapidly. In an instant he had put +his finger on the trouble, which was that we were almost head on to the +sea, with the result that he had given the order as stated above, +which, bringing us beam on to the sea, had caused her to dive with +ease. He is efficiency itself! + +As I explained to him what had happened, the noise of propellers at +varying distances from us overhead led him to state his belief that we +had run into a convoy homeward bound to Southampton from the Atlantic. + +He approved of my actions in every particular, save only in my omission +to bring the boat away from the sea as I began to dive. + +This morning we are beginning to get the full force of what is +evidently going to be a south-westerly gale of some violence. The seas +are getting larger as we debouch into the Atlantic. This looks bad for +business. + + * * * * * + +At the moment we are practically hove to on the surface, with the port +engine just jogging to keep her head on to sea and the starboard +ticking round to give her a long, slow charge of 200 amps. + +The wind is force 7-8 and a very big sea is running which makes it +entirely impossible to open the conning tower hatch; the engine is +getting its air through the special mushroom ventilator, which is +apparently not designed to supply both the boat's requirements and +those of the engine; the whole ventilator gets covered with sea every +now and then, during which period until the baffle drains get the water +away no air can get in, so the engine has a good suck at the air in the +boat, the result of all this being a slight vacuum in the boat. It is a +very unpleasant sensation, and made me very sick. This is really a form +of sickness due to the rarefied air. + +I had a great surprise when I looked at the barograph this morning as +the needle had gone right off the paper at the bottom, and at first +glance I thought we had struck a tropical depression of the first +magnitude, which, flouting all the laws of meteorology, had somehow +found its way to the English Channel; but the engineer explained to me +that, as I have already stated, the low atmospheric pressure in the +boat was due to the conning-tower hatch being shut down. + +[Illustration: "As the dim lights on the mole disappeared, the +ceaseless fountain of starshells mingling with the flashing of guns, +rose inland on our port beam."] + +[Illustration: "We hit her aft for the second time."] + +I have discovered that Von Weissman is a martyr to sea-sickness--all +day he has been lying down as white as a sheet and subsisting on milk +tablets and sips of brandy; yet such is the man's inflexibility of will +that he forces himself to make a tour of inspection right round the +boat every six hours, night and day. It is this will to conquer which +has made Germans unconquerable, though "Come the four corners of the +world in arms" against us, as the great poet says. + +We are, of course, keeping watch from inside the conning tower; it is, +at all events, dry, but as to seeing anything one might as well be +looking out through a small glass window from inside a breakwater! To +bed till 4 a.m. + + * * * * * + +A most unprofitable day. I grudge every day away from Zoe on which we +do nothing. This morning about noon the gale blew itself out, but a +heavy confused sea continued to run. + +At 2 p.m. we saw a most tantalizing spectacle. A big tank steamer, +fully 600 feet long and of probably 17,000 tons burthen hove in sight, +escorted by two destroyers. To attack with the gun was impossible, as +we could only keep the conning tower open when stern to sea, and in any +case the two destroyers prevented any surface work. We tried to get in +for an attack, but we had not seen her in time, and the best we could +do was to get within 3,000 yards, at which range it would have been +absurd to have wasted a torpedo, the chances of hitting being 100 to 1 +against, even if the torpedo had run properly in the sea that was on. + +I had a good look at her through the foremost periscope in between the +waves, and it maddened me to see all that oil, doubtless from Tampico +for the Grand Fleet, going safely by. The destroyers were having a bad +time of it, crashing into the sea like porpoises, their funnels white +with salt, and their bridges enveloped in sheets of water and spray. +They little thought that, barely a mile away, amidst the tumbling, +crested waves a German eye was watching them! + +There is no doubt these damned British have pluck, for it was the last +sort of weather in which one would have expected to find destroyers at +sea, and yet I suppose they do this throughout the winter. + +After all, one would expect them to be tough fellows--they are of +Teutonic stock--though by their bearing one might imagine that the +Creator made an Englishman and then Adam. + +Let's hope we get some decent weather to-morrow. I have just been +refreshing my memory by reading of what I wrote in the book, concerning +the day in the forest with the adorable girl. There is an exquisite +pleasure in transporting the mind into such memories of the past when +the body is in such surroundings as the present, if only I could will +myself to dream of her! + + * * * * * + +A fine day in every sense of the word. The weather has been and remains +excellent, and I have been present at my first sinking. It was absurdly +commonplace. At 10 a.m. this morning a column of smoke crept upwards +from the southern horizon. + +Von Weissman steered towards it on the surface until two masts and the +top of a funnel appeared. We dived and proceeded slowly under water on +a southerly course. + +Half an hour passed and Von Weissman brought the boat up to periscope +depth and had a look. He called to me to come and see, an invitation I +accepted with alacrity. + +With natural excitement I looked through the periscope and there she +was, unconsciously ambling to her doom like a fat sheep. + +She was a steamer (British) of about 4,000 tons, slugging home at a +steady ten knots, but she was destined to come to her last mooring +place ahead of schedule time! + +We dipped our periscope and I went forward to the tubes. Five minutes +elapsed and the order instrument bell rang, the pointer flicking to +"Stand by." I personally removed the firing gear safety pin and put the +repeat to "Ready." A breathless pause, then a slight shake and +destruction was on its way, whilst I realized by the angle of the boat +that Weissman was taking us down a few metres. + +That shows his coolness, he didn't even trouble to watch his shot. + +Anxiously I watch the second hand of my stop watch. Weissman had told +me the range would be about 500 metres--30 seconds--31--32--33--has he +missed?--34--35--3--A dull rumble comes through the water and the +whole boat shakes. Hurra! we have hit, and the order "Surface" comes +along the voice pipe. + +The cheerful voice of the blower is heard, evacuating the tanks; I run +to the conning tower and closely follow Weissman up the ladder. At last +I am on the bridge. There she is! What a sight! + +I feel that I shall never forget what she looked like, though, if all +goes well, I shall see many another fine ship go to her grave. + +But she was my first; I felt the same sensation when, as a boy, I shot +my first roe-deer in the Black Forest, one instant a living thing +beautiful to perfection, the next my rifle spoke and a bleeding carcase +lay beneath the fine trees. So with this ship. I am a sailor, and to +every sailor every ship that floats has, as it were, a soul, a +personality, an entity; to carry the analogy further, a merchant craft +is like some fat beast of utility, an ox, a cow, or a sheep, whilst a +warship is a lion if she is a battleship, a leopard if she is a light +cruiser, etc.; in all cases worthy game. + +But War has little use for sentimentality! and in my usual wandering +manner I see that I have meandered from the point and quite forgotten +what she did look like. + +What I saw was this: + +I saw that the steamer had been hit forward on the starboard side. The +upper portion of the stem piece was almost down to the water level, her +foremost hold was obviously filling rapidly. Her stern was high out of +water, the red ensign of England flapping impotently on the ensign +staff. Her propeller, which was still slowly revolving, thrashed the +water, and this heightened the impression that I was watching the +struggles of a dying animal. The propeller was revolving in spasmodic +jerks, due, I imagine, to the fast failing steam only forcing the +cranks over their dead centres with an effort. + +A boat was being lowered with haste from the two davits abreast the +funnel on one side, but when she was full of men and, due to the angle +of the ship, well down by the bow, someone inboard let go the foremost +fall or else it broke, for the bows of the boat fell downwards and half +a dozen figures were projected in grotesque attitudes into the sea. For +a few seconds the boat swung backwards and forwards, like a pendulum. + +When she came to rest, hanging vertically downwards from the stern, I +noticed that a few men were still clinging like flies to her thwarts. +Truly, anything is better than the Atlantic in winter. Meanwhile the +ship had ceased to sink as far as outward signs went. + +I mentioned this to Von Weissman, who was at my side with a slight +smile on his face, amused doubtless at the eagerness with which I +watched every detail of this, to me, novel tragedy. He answered me that +I need not worry, that she was being supported by an air lock somewhere +forward, that the water was slowly creeping into her and her boilers +would probably soon go. + +This remarkable man was absolutely correct. + +There was an interval of about five minutes, during which another boat, +evidently successfully lowered from the other side, came round her +stern, picked up one or two men from the water and also collected the +survivors in the hanging boat; then the steamer suddenly sank another +two feet, there was a dull rumbling, as of heavy machinery falling from +a height, a muffled report, a cloud of steam and smoke, a sucking noise +and then a pool in the water, in the middle of which odd bits of wood +and other buoyant debris kept on bobbing up. Nothing else! + +No! I am wrong, there were two other things: a U-boat, representing the +might of Germany, and a whaler with perhaps twenty men in it, +representing the plight of England! + +As she went I felt hushed and solemn, it was an impressive moment; a +slight chuckle came from imperturbable Weissman; he had seen too many +go to think much of it, and he gave an order for the helm to be put +over, so that we might approach the whaler. + +They were horribly overcrowded, and were engaged in trying to sort +themselves into some sort of order. We passed by them at 50 yards and +Weissman, seizing his megaphone, shouted in English: "Goodbye! steer +west for America!" A cold horror gripped my heart. It was an awful +moment. I dare not write the thoughts that entered my head. + +I turned away my head and faced aft, that he should not see my face; +looking back I saw the whaler rocking dangerously in our wash, and then +a commotion took place in her stern, from which a huge bearded man +arose and, shaking his fist in our direction, shouted something or +other before his companions pulled him down. + +Von Weissman heard and his lips narrowed in. I held my breath in +suspense, but he evidently decided against what he had been about to +do, for with the order, "Course north! ten knots," he went below. + +I remained on deck watching the rapidly receding whaler through my +glasses until she was a mere speck--alone on the ocean, 150 miles from +land, Then the navigator came up, and with strangely mixed feelings of +exultant joy and depressing sorrow I went below. + +Von Weissman was in the wardroom. I watched him unobserved. He was +humming a tune to himself and had just completed putting a green dot on +the chart. This done he lay back on the settee and closed his +eyes--strange, insoluble man! + +For long hours I could not forget that whaler; I see it now as I write. +I suppose I shall get used to it all. What would Zoe say? + +The most wonderful thing about man is that he can stand the strain of +his own invention of modern war! + + * * * * * + +I am rather tired to-night, but must just jot down briefly what has +taken place to-day, as there is never any time in the daylight hours. + +Soon after dawn, at about 8 a.m., we sighted a fair-sized steamer of +about 3,000 tons, which we sunk, but I cannot say what she looked like, +or whether anyone escaped, as we never came to the surface at all, Von +Weissman sighting smoke on the western horizon just as he hit her. We +accordingly steered in that direction. However, I think she went almost +at once as Von Weissman put a dot (black) on the chart as we made +towards number 3. + +I very much wanted to know whether there were any survivors, but I did +not like to ask him at the time and he has been in such an infernal +temper ever since that I haven't had a suitable opportunity. + +The cause of his rage was as follows: + +Steamer number 3 turned out to be a fine fat chap (of the Clan Line, +Von Weissman said, when we first sighted her). We moved in to attack +and fired our port bow tube. I waited in vain by the tubes for the +expected explosion--nothing happened, but after a couple of minutes a +snarl came down the voice pipe: "Surface, GUN ACTION STATIONS!" + +I ran aft, and found the Captain white with rage. + +"Missed ahead!" he said, with intense feeling, "I'll have to use that +confounded gun." + +In about three minutes the Captain and myself were on the bridge and +the crew were at their stations round the gun. + +For the first time I saw the ship; she was stern on and apparently +painted with black and white stripes. As I examined her through +glasses--she was distant about 3,000 yards--I saw a flash aboard her +and a few seconds later a projectile moaned overhead and fell about +6,000 yards over. So she is armed, thought I, and she has actually +opened fire on us first. + +The effect of this unexpected retort on the part of the Englishman was +to throw Weissman into a paroxysm of rage. + +"Why don't you fire? What the devil are you waiting for?" etc., etc., +were some of the remarks he flung at the gun crew. + +I did not consider it advisable to mention to him that they were +probably waiting his order to fire, and also his orders for range and +deflection, as I had imagined that, here as everywhere else, an officer +controls the gun-fire. Apparently in this boat it is not so, as +Weissman takes so little interest in his gun that he affects to be, or +else actually is, ignorant of the elements of gun control. + +At any rate, under the lash of his tongue, the gun's crew soon got into +action, the gun-layer taking charge. Our first shot was short, very +considerably so, as was also the second. Meanwhile the steamer had been +keeping up a very creditably controlled rate of fire, straddling us +twice, but missing for deflection, as was natural considering that we +were bows on to her. + +I felt thoroughly in my element listening to the significant wail of +the enemy's shell, punctuated by the ear-splitting report of our own +gun. Weissman, gripping the rail with both hands, and to my surprise +ducking when one went overhead, watched the target with a fixed +expression, but made no attempt to control our gun-fire, which was far +from creditable, as is inevitable when it is left to the mercy of the +inferior intellect of a seaman. + +However, at the tenth or eleventh round we hit her in the upper works, +as was shown by a bright red and yellow flash near her funnel. This did +not check her firing or speed in the least, in fact she seemed to be +gaining on us. She also began to zigzag slightly and throw smoke bombs +overboard, which were not so effective from her point of view as I had +thought they would be. + +Matters were thus for some minutes. We had just hit her aft for the +second time, though the shooting was so disgustingly bad that I was +about to ask whether I might do the duties of control officer, when +there was a blinding flash and the air seemed filled with moaning +fragments. When I had recovered from my relief from finding that I was +personally uninjured, I observed that two of the gun's crew were +wounded and one was lying, either killed or seriously wounded, on the +casing. We had been hit in the casing, well forward, and, as was +subsequently proved when we dived, little material damage was caused to +the boat. + +This enemy success caused a temporary cessation of fire. The two +wounded men were cautiously making their way aft to the conning tower, +and I called for a couple of stokers to come up and carry away the +third, when Von Weissman suddenly gave the order to dive. The gun's +crew at once made a rush for the conning tower, and were down the hatch +in a trice, one of the wounded men fainting at the bottom. + +I was unaware as to the reason of this order to dive, and thought that +perhaps the Captain had sighted a periscope. As I was turning to +precede him down the conning tower hatch I distinctly saw the man lying +by the gun lift his hand. I felt I could not leave him there, and +instinctively cried, "He is still alive!" But Von Weissman, who was +urging the crew to hurry down the hatch, pressed the diving alarm as +soon as the last sailor was half in the hatch. + +I knew that this meant that the boat would be under in 30 to 40 +seconds, so I had no alternative but to get down the hatch as quickly +as possible. + +I did so with reluctance, and I was followed by Von Weissman, who +joined me in the upper conning tower. + +I forced myself not to look out of the conning tower scuttles during +the few seconds that elapsed as the casing slowly went under, until at +last nothing but waving green water showed at each little window. I +feared that, if I had looked, I would have seen a wounded man, stung +into activity by the cold touch of the Atlantic. Perhaps Von Weissman +read my thoughts, or else he remembered my remark concerning the man, +for he turned to me and in level tones said: + +"Have you any doubt that he was dead?" + +I hesitated a moment, and he continued: + +"By my direction you have no doubt. He _was_!" + +How brutal war is, and what a perfect exponent of the art the Captain +proves himself to be! To me a life is a life, a particle of the thing +divine; to him a life is a unit, and a half-maimed and probably dying +seaman is as nothing in the scales when the safety of a U-boat is at +stake. The seamen are numbered in their tens of thousands, the U-boats +in their tens. The steamer had hit us once, luckily only in the casing, +a second hit might well have punctured the pressure hull, and our fate +in these waters would have been certain. Therefore, having summed these +things up and balanced them in his mind, he dived and the sailor died. + +Once below water Von Weissman seemed more his imperturbable self, and +unless I am mistaken he is never really happy on the surface, at least +when in action. He is a true water mole. + + * * * * * + +A day full of interest, though once again I have had to force myself to +absorb the horrors of War. I imagine that I am now going through the +experiences of a new arrival on the Western Front, who feels a desire +to shudder at the sight of every corpse. + +At 10 a.m. this morning we sighted the topsails of a sailing boat to +the southwest. Closing her on the surface, we approached to within +about 6,000 metres, when suddenly Von Weissman ordered "Gun Action +Stations." + +The gun crew came tumbling up, but not quick enough to suit him, for as +they were mustering at the gun he gave the order to dive, only, +however, taking her down to periscope depth before instantly ordering +surface and then "Gun Action Stations" again. This time we opened fire +on the ship, which was a Norwegian barque and, being in the barred +zone, liable to destruction. + +Von Weissman had announced overnight that at the first opportunity he +would give "that ---- gun's crew a bellyful of practice," and he +certainly did. As soon as the first shot was fired, she backed her +topsails, and when our fourth shot struck her, somewhere near the foot +of the foremast, her crew could be seen hastily abandoning their ship. + +This action on their part had no influence with Von Weissman, who had +taken personal charge of the helm, and, with the engines running at +three-quarter speed, he was zigzagging about, to make it harder for the +gun's crew. Every now and then he flung a gibe at the crew, such as +suggesting that they should go back to the High Seas Fleet and learn +how to shoot. + +The sailing ship was soon on fire, for, considering the circumstances, +the shooting was very fair, though had I been controlling it I could +have confidently guaranteed better results. When she was blazing nicely +fore and aft, Von Weissman ordered the practice to cease, and sent the +crew below. He then ordered course south, speed ten knots, and I took +over the watch. + +An hour and a half later, when the navigator gave me a spell, a black +cloud on the northern horizon marked the funeral pyre of another of our +victims. When I went below, the Captain had just finished playing with +his precious old chart. + + * * * * * + +We received a message at 2 a.m. last night from Heligoland to return +forthwith; it is now 2 a.m. and we are approaching the redoubtable +Dover Barrage. We had no trouble coming up channel to-day, which seems +singularly empty, at any rate in mid-channel, where we were. + + * * * * * + +We got back about three hours ago, and as I was appointed temporary to +the boat, Von Weissman kindly allowed me to leave her and come up to +Bruges as soon as we got into the shelters at Zeebrugge. + +I got up here just, in time for a late dinner. Hunger satisfied, I +retired to my room and, needless to say, at once rang up my darling +Zoe. + +By the mercy of providence she was in, but imagine my sensations when I +heard that that accursed swine of a Colonel was also back from the +front, and expected in at the flat at any moment, being then, she +thought, engaged in his after dinner drinking bouts at the cavalry +officers' club. I could only groan. + +A laugh at the other end stung me to furious rage, appeased in an +instant by her soothing tones as she told me that I should be glad to +hear that he was only up from the Somme on a four-days leave, and was +returning next morning by the 8 a.m. troop train. Glad! I could have +danced for joy. I breathed again. + +As the Colonel was expected back at any moment she thought it advisable +to terminate the conversation, which was done with obvious reluctance +on her part, or so I flatter myself. + +He goes to-morrow, so far so good, but what of the intervening period? + +Could any more refined torture be imagined than that I, who love her as +I love my own soul, should have to sit here, whilst scarcely a mile +away, probably at this very moment as I write, that gross brute is +privileged to kiss her, to look at her, to--oh! it's unbearable. When I +think of that hog, for though I've never seen him, I've seen his +photograph, and I know instinctively that he _is_ gross, fresh, as she +says, from a drinking bout, should at this moment be permitted to raise +his pigs' eyes and look into those glorious wells of violet light; when +I think that his is the privilege to see those masses of black hair +fall in uncontrolled splendour, then I understand to the full the deep +pleasures of murder. + +I would give anything to destroy this man, and could shake the +Englishman by the hand who fires the delivering bullet! + +Steady! Steady! What do I write? No! I mean it, every word of it. Yet +of all the mysteries, and to me Zoe is a mass of them, surely the +strangest of all is contained in the question: Why does she live with +him? + +She doesn't love him, she's practically told me so. In fact, I know she +doesn't. Let me reason it out by logic. She lives with him, whether +voluntarily or involuntarily. Suppose it be voluntarily, then her +reasons must be (a) Love; (b) Fascination; (c) Some secret reason. If +she is living with him involuntarily it must be: (d) He has a hold on +her; (e) For financial reasons. + +I strike out at once (a) and (e), for in the case of (e) she knows well +that I would provide for her, and (a) I refuse to admit, (b) is hardly +credible--I eliminate that. I am left with (c) and (d) which might be +the same thing. But what hold can he have on her; she can't have a +past, she is too young and sweet for that. + +I must find out about this before I go to sea again. + + * * * * * + +Three days ago, I was racking my brains for the solution of a problem, +and, as I see from what I wrote, I was somewhat outside myself. In the +interval things have taken an amazing turn. I am still bewildered--but +I must put it all down from the beginning. + +The Colonel left as she said he would, and I went round to lunch with +her. + +We had a delightful _tête-à-tête_, and after lunch she played the +piano. I was feeling in splendid voice and she accompanied me to +perfection in Tchaikowsky's "To the Forest," always a favourite of +mine. As the last chords died away, Zoe jumped up from the piano and, +with eyes dancing with excitement, placed her hands on my shoulders and +exclaimed: + +"Karl! I have an idea! I shall make a prisoner of you for two or three +days." + +I laughed heartily and almost told her that she had already made me a +prisoner for life, only I can never get those sort of remarks out quick +enough. + +But when she said, "No! I am not joking, I mean it," I felt there was +more meaning in her sentence than I had at first thought. I begged to +be enlightened, and she then unfolded her scheme. + +She told me for the first time, that in a forest not far from Bruges +she had a little summer-house, to which she used to retreat for +week-ends in the hot weather when the Colonel was away. He knew nothing +of this country house (she was very insistent on that point), so I +imagined she paid for it out of her dress allowance or in some other +way. The idea that had just struck her was that she had a sudden fancy +to go and spend two days there, and I was to go with her. + +I was ready to go to Africa with her if my leave permitted, and it so +happened that I was due for four days' overseas leave (limited to +Belgian territory) so that this fitted in very well, and I told her so. + +She was delighted, then, with one of those quick intuitions which women +are so clever at, she read the half-formed thought in my mind, and +said: "You mustn't think it's not going to be conventional; old Babette +will be with us to chaperon me." Old Babette is an aged female whom she +calls her maid. I think she is jealous of me. + +I agreed at once that of course I quite understood it was to be highly +conventional, etc., though I smiled to myself as I visualized my +mother's shocked face and uplifted hands had she heard my Zoe's ideas +on the conventions. + +I was trying to fathom what was at the bottom of it all when she +remarked: "Of course, as my prisoner you will have to obey all my +orders." + +I replied that this was certainly so. + +"And one of the first things," she continued, "that happens to a +prisoner when he goes through the enemy lines is that he is +blindfolded, and in the same way I shan't let you know where you are +going." + +Seeing a doubtful look in my eyes as I endeavoured to keep pace with +the underlying idea, if any, of this truly feminine fancy, she suddenly +came up to me and, lifting her eyes to mine, murmured: "Don't you trust +me?" + +In a moment my passion flared up, and rained hot kisses on her face as +she struggled to release herself from my arms. + +When I left that night after dinner, and, walking on air, returned to +the Mess, it was arranged that I should be at her flat with my +suit-case at 6 p.m. the next evening, prepared, to use her own words, +"to disappear with me for 48 hours." + +She had told me of an address in Bruges which she said would forward on +any telegram if I was recalled, and I had to be satisfied with that, +for I may as well say here that I never discovered where I went to, and +I don't know to this moment in what part of Belgium I spent the last +two nights. + +I tried to find out at first, but as she obviously attached some +importance to keeping the locality of her woodland retreat a secret, +probably to circumvent the Colonel, I soon gave up trying to get the +secret from her, and contented myself with taking things as they came. + +To go on with my account of what happened--which was really so +remarkable that I propose writing it out in detail to the best of my +memory--at 6 p.m. next day I was naturally at her flat feeling very +much as if I was on the threshold of an adventure. + +Zoe was excited and the flat was in a turmoil, as apparently she had +only just begun to pack her dressing-case. + +Soon after six we went down and got into a large Mercédès car which I +had noticed standing outside when I arrived. We were soon on our way, +and left Bruges by the Eastern barrier; we showed our passes and +proceeded into the darkened country-side. We had been running for about +a mile when she remarked, "Prisoners will now be blindfolded!" and, to +my astonishment, slipped a little black silk bag over my head. + +I was so startled I didn't know whether to be angry, or to laugh, or +what to do. Eventually I did nothing, and, entering into the spirit of +the game, declared that even a wretched prisoner had the right not to +be stifled, whereupon she lifted the lower portion of the bag and +uncovered my mouth. Shortly afterwards I was electrified to feel a pair +of soft lips meet mine, a sensation which was repeated at frequent +intervals, and, as I whispered in her ear, under these conditions I was +prepared to be taken prisoner into the jaws of hell. + +This pleasant journey had lasted for about three-quarters of an hour +when my mask was removed and I was informed that I was "inside the +enemy lines!" Through the windows of the car I could dimly see that an +apparently endless mass of fir trees were rushing past on each side. +This state of affairs continued for a kilometre or so, when we branched +to the right and soon entered a large clearing in the forest, at one +side of which stood the house. Babette, Zoe and myself entered the +building, and the car disappeared, presumably back to Bruges. + +The house, built of logs, was of two stories; on the ground floor were +two living rooms, and the domains of Babette, who amongst her other +accomplishments turned out to be not only a most capable valet, but a +first-class cook. On the second story there were two large rooms. The +whole house was furnished after the manner of a hunting lodge, with +stags' heads on the walls, and skins on the floors. In the drawing-room +there was a piano and a few etchings of the wild boar by Schaffein. + +I dressed for dinner in my "smoking," though under ordinary +circumstances I should have considered this rather formal, but I was +glad I did, for she appeared in full evening _tenue_. She wore a violet +gown, and across her forehead a black satin bandeau with a Z in +diamonds upon it. It must have cost two thousand marks, and I wondered +with a dull kind of jealousy whether the Colonel had given it to her. + +I cannot remember of what we talked during dinner. We have a hundred +subjects in common, and we look at so many aspects of the world through +the same pair of eyes; I only know that when I have been talking to her +for a period--there is no exact measurement of time for me when I am +with her--I leave her presence feeling "completed." I feel that a sort +of gap within my being has been filled, that a spiritual hunger has +been satisfied, that I have got something which I wanted, but for which +I could not have formulated the desire in words. I had resolved that on +this first night I would bring matters between us to a head and end +this delicious but intolerable uncertainty as to how we stood; yet, +when old Babette had served us with coffee in the drawing-room, as I +call the second living-room, and we were alone together, I could not +bring up the subject. Partly because I think she prevented me so doing +by that skilful shepherding of the conversation into other paths with +an artfulness with which God endows all women, and also partly because +I could not screw myself up to the pitch. I could not, or rather would +not, put my fate to the touch. I had a presentiment that in reaching +for the summit I might fall from the slope. Alas! how true was this +foreboding in some senses--but I will keep all things in their right +order. + +[Illustration: "_The track met our ram_."] + +[Illustration: In the flash I caught a glimpse of his conning tower] + +Let it only be recorded that when she kissed me good-night (with the +tenderness of a mother) and left me to smoke a final cigar I had said +nothing, and I could only wonder at the strange fate that had placed me +practically alone with a girl whom I had grown to love with a deep +emotion, and who appeared to love me, yet often behaved as if I was her +brother. + +The next day we were like two children. The snow was deep on the +ground, and the fir trees stood like thousands of sentinels in grey +uniform round the clearing. Once during the afternoon, as with Zoe's +assistance I was furiously chopping wood for the fire, a droning noise +made me look up, and thousands of metres overhead a small squadron of +aeroplanes, evidently bound for the Western Front, sailed slowly across +the sky. I thought how awkward it would be for them if they experienced +an engine failure whilst over the forest, though they were up so high +that I imagine they could have glided ten kilometres, and as I think +(but I am not certain, and I have pledged myself not to try and find +out) we were in the Forest of Montellan, which is barely fifteen +kilometres broad, I suppose they could have fallen clear of the trees. + +As a matter of fact I imagine they would have used our clearing--I'm +glad they didn't. + +That night after dinner she played to me, first Beethoven and then +Chopin. I can see her as I write; she had just finished the 14th +Prelude and, resting her chin on her hand, she smiled mysteriously at +me. + +The hour had come, and, driven by strong impulses, I spoke. I told her +that I loved her as I had never thought that a man could love a woman; +I told her that I longed to shield her and protect her, and above all +things to remove her from the clutches of that bestial Colonel, and as +I bent over her and felt my senses swim in the subtleties of her +perfume, I begged her passionately to say the word that would give me +the right to fight the world on her behalf. + +When I had finished she was silent for a long while, and I can remember +distinctly that I wondered whether she could hear the thump! thump! +thump! of my heart, which to my agitated mind seemed to beat with the +strength of a hammer. + +At length she spoke; two words came slowly from her lips: + +"I cannot." + +I was not discouraged. I could see, I could feel, that a tremendous +struggle was raging, the outward signs of which were concealed by her +averted head. + +At length I asked her point-blank whether she loved me. Her silence +gave me my answer, and I took her unresisting body into my arms and +kissed her to distraction. Oh! these kisses, how bitter they seem to me +now, and yet how I long to hold her once again. For, freeing herself +from my embrace and speaking almost mechanically, she said: + +"Karl! I must tell you. I cannot marry you." + +I pleaded, I prayed, I argued, I demanded. It was in vain; I always +came up against the immovable "I cannot." + +And then I crashed over the precipice towards whose edge I had been +blindly going. I had said for the hundredth time, "But you know you +love me," when with a sob she abandoned all reserve, and, flinging her +arms round my neck, implored me to take her. Then, as I caught my +breath, she quickly said, as if frightened that she had gone too far, +"But I cannot marry you." + +I looked down into those beautiful eyes, and for the first time I +understood. For perhaps ten seconds I battled for my soul and the +purity of our love; then, tearing my sight from those eyes which would +lure an archangel to destruction, I was once more master of my body. As +my resolution grew, I hated her for doing this thing that had wrecked +in an instant the hopes of months, the ideals on which I had begun to +build afresh my life. + +She felt the change, and left me. + +As she went out by the door she gave me one last look, a look in which +love struggled with shame, a look which no man has ever earned the +right to receive from any woman. + +But I was as a statue of marble, dazed by this calamity. + +As the door closed upon her, I started forward--it was too late. + +Had she waited another instant--but there, I write of what has happened +and not what might have been. + +I did not sleep that night, until the dawn began to separate each fir +tree from the black mass of the forest. Twice in the night, with shame +I confess it, I opened my door and looked down the little passage-way; +and twice I closed the door and threw myself upon my bed in an agony of +torment. It was ten o'clock when a knock at the door aroused me, and +the sunlight through the window-pane was tracing patterns on the floor. + +There was a note on the breakfast table, but before I opened it I knew +that, save for Babette, I was alone in the house. + +The note was brief, unaddressed and unsigned. I have it here before me; +I have meant to tear it up but I cannot. It is a weakness to keep it, +but I have lost so much in the last few days, that I will not grudge +myself some small relic of what has been. The note says: + +"I am leaving for Bruges at half-past eight, when the car was ordered +to fetch us back. I go alone. Babette will give you breakfast. The car +will return for you at eleven o'clock. I rely on your honour in that +you will not observe where you have been. Come to me when you want +me--till then, farewell." + +It was as she said, and I honourably acceded to her request. This +afternoon just before lunch I arrived in Bruges, and since tea-time I +have tried to write down what has happened since I left the day before +yesterday. Oh! how could she do it, how can it be possible that she is +a woman like that? I could have sworn that she was not like this--and +yet how can I account for her life with the Colonel? There must be some +reason, but in Heaven's name, what? + +Meanwhile I am to go to her when I want her! And that will be when I +can give her my name. But oh! Zoe, I want you now, so badly, oh! so +badly! + + * * * * * + +I saw her once to-day in the gardens, walking by herself. + + * * * * * + +I have told Max's secretary that I want to get to sea; to be here in +Bruges and not to see her is more than I can bear. + +I sail at dawn to-morrow. Shall I see her? No, it is best not. + +A frightful noise over the New Year celebrations to-night. Champagne +flowing like water in the Mess. I feel the year 1917 opens badly for +me. + +Weissman also went to sea again for a short trip in the Channel, and +has not reported for five days. Perhaps he has despised the Dover +Barrage once too often. If this is so, it is a great loss to the +service: he was a man of iron resolution in underwater attack. + +I feel I ought to despise Zoe, but I can't. I love her too much; after +all, am I not perhaps encasing myself in the robe of a Pharisee? + +She offered me all she had, save only the one thing I asked, without +which I will take nothing. I cannot reconcile her behaviour with her +character; why can't she trust me? why can't she be frank with me? I +will not believe she is that sort. + +I feel I cannot go out again without a _sign_--I may not return, and I +will not leave her, perhaps for ever, with this bitterness between us. + + * * * * * + + +At sea in U.C.47 again. Alten as surly as ever. + +I decided finally to write to Zoe, but found it difficult to know what +to say. Eventually I said more than I had intended. I told her frankly +that I experienced a shock, but that I had not meant to seem so cold, +and that what I had done had been done for both our sakes. I told her +that I still loved her, and I implored her once more to leave the +Colonel and come to me as my wife. + +Already I long to know what message awaits me on my return. + +This will not be for three days. We left at dawn this morning to lay +mines off the channel to Harwich harbour; a nest from which submarines, +cruisers and destroyers buzz in and out like wasps. It will be ticklish +work. + + + + +_On the bottom_. + + +Our mines are still with us, but so are our lives, which is something. + +We were approaching the appointed spot at 6 a.m. this morning, when +without the slightest warning the track of a torpedo was seen streaking +towards us about 50 yards on the starboard bow. + +Before Alten (who was on the bridge with me) could do more than press +the diving alarm, the track met our ram. I breathed again, and was then +reminded by an oath from Alten that the boat was diving. + +It was evident that we had only been saved by the torpedo running deep +under the cut-away part of our bow, otherwise!--well, the tangle of my +affairs would have been easily straightened. + +Further procedure on the surface was suicidal, and we kept hydrophone +patrol, twice hearing the motors of the enemy submarine. At the moment +we are on the bottom waiting to come up and charge to-night, and lay +our mines at dawn to-morrow. + + * * * * * + +On the bottom in 28 metres and feeling none too comfortable, as there +would appear to be about a dozen destroyers overhead. + +Last night, or rather early this morning, I participated in one of the +most extraordinary incidents that I have ever heard of. + +It was pitch-black dark when I took over at 4 a.m., and a fresh breeze +had raised a lumpy sea, which covered the bridge with spray. We were +charging 400 amps on each, with the intention of laying one mine +directly there was sufficient light to get a fix from some of the buoys +which the English stick down all over the place here in the most +convenient manner possible. If only one could believe they never +shifted them. Alten says it never occurs to an Englishman to do a thing +like that, but I'm not so sure. However, we were proceeding along at +about five knots, crashing into the sea rather badly, when out of the +black beastliness of the night I saw a shape close aboard on the port +hand. + +As I hesitated for a second as to my course of action, I was astounded +to see a large submarine which must have been British, on an opposite +course, not more than 25 metres away! + +This sounds absurd, but it really wasn't further. I'm not ashamed to +confess that I was completely disorganized; it did not seem possible +that the enemy was literally alongside me. + +I don't know how it struck the officer in the British boat, but I must +give him credit for doing something first, for he fired a Very's white +light straight at me as the two boats passed. It impinged on the hull, +and in the flash I caught a photographic glimpse of his conning tower, +on which was painted the letter E, followed by two numbers, of which +one was a two I think, and the other a nine. + +By this time he was on my port quarter and rapidly disappearing; in a +frenzy of rage I managed to get my revolver out, and whilst with the +left hand I pressed the diving alarm, with the right hand I emptied the +magazine in his direction. When we were down, Alten practically +refused to believe me, which made me very pleased that in descending I +had trod on a pair of hands which turned out to be his, as he had +started up the ladder to the upper conning tower when he first heard +the alarm. + +I presume our opponent dived as well, but evidently he had put two and +two together and used his aerial at some period, for when at dawn we +poked a periscope up, a flotilla of destroyers appeared to be looking +for something, which "something" was us, unless I am much mistaken; so +we bottomed, where we have been ever since. The Hydroplane Operator +keeps up a monotonous sing-song to the effect that "Fast running +propellers are either receding or approaching." The crew are collected +round the mine-tubes as I write, and are singing a lugubrious song, the +refrain of which runs: + + "Death for the Fatherland! Glorious fate, + This is the end that we gladly await." + +Why will the seamen always become morbid when possible? And there is +not a man amongst them who is not inwardly thinking of some beer-hall +in Bruges, though I suppose that like their betters they have their +romances of a tenderer kind. + + * * * * * + +The boat has been rolling about on the bottom in the most sickening +manner the whole afternoon. We flooded P and Q to capacity, which gave +her 50 tons negative, but it seems to have little effect in steadying +her, and it is evident that a really heavy gale is running on top. + + * * * * * + +Surfaced at 10 p.m.; a very heavy sea running and impossible to do much +more than heave to. This weather has one point in its favour and that +is that the destroyers are driven in. + +It got steadily worse all night, and at midnight we lost our foremost +wireless mast overboard; we have now (10 a.m.) been 48 hours without +communication. At dawn we could see nothing to fix by; not a buoy in +sight, nothing but an expanse of foam-topped short steep waves of dirty +neutral-tinted water; how different to the great green and white surges +of the broad Atlantic. + +Under these circumstances Alten decided to risk it and return without +laying our mines; for once in a way I agreed with him, as it is better +not to lay a minefield at all than dump one down in some unknown +position which one may have to traverse oneself in the course of a +month or so. We are now slowly, very slowly, struggling back to +Zeebrugge. + +A green sea came down the conning tower to-day, and everything in the +boat is damp and smelly and beastly. The propellers race at frequent +intervals and the whole boat shudders--I feel miserable. + +Alten has started to drink spirits; he began as soon as we decided to +go back. He will be incapable by to-night, and it means that I shall +have to take her in. + +What hell this is, sitting in sodden clothes, with the stench of four +days' living assaulting the nostrils, and a motion of the devil; the +glass is very low and is slowly rising, so that I suppose it will blow +harder soon, though it is about force eight at present. + +I wonder what Zoe will have written in reply to my note. When I think +of what I rejected and compare it with my beast-like existence here, I +can hardly believe that I behaved as I did--what would I not give now +to be transported back to the forest! At this rate of progress we shall +take another 24 hours. I wonder if I can knock another half-knot out of +her without smashing her up. + + * * * * * + +The extraordinarily violent motion has upset the _Anschutz_. [1] The +bearing cone of the stabilizing gyro has cracked, and the master +compass began to wander off in circles. I was just resting for an hour +or two, wedged up on a wet settee with coats equally wet, when her +heavy pitching changed to a wallowing roll, and I heard the pilot, who +was on watch, cursing down the voice-pipe, as we had sagged off our +course. + +[Footnote 1: Gyroscopic compass.--ETIENNE.] + +I heard the voice of the helmsman querulously maintain that he was +steering his course by _Anschutz_, so I got up and gingerly clawed my +way into the control room, where I found by comparing _Anschutz_ with +magnetic that the former had gone to hell, the reason being obvious, as +the stabilizer was exerting a strongly biased torque. I stopped the +_Anschutz_ and asked the pilot to give the helmsman a steady by +magnetic. + +As we staggered back to our course I heard a thud in the wardroom, and +on returning to my settee found that Alten had rolled out of his bunk, +where he was lying in a drunken stupor, and that he was face downwards, +sprawling on the deck, half his face in the broken half of a dirty dish +which had fallen off the table whilst I was having tea. As I couldn't +let the crew see him like this, I was obliged to struggle and get him +back into his bunk. He was like a log and absolutely incapable of +rendering me any assistance, though he did open his eyes and mutter +once or twice as I lifted him up, trunk first and then his legs. He +stank of spirits and I hated touching him. Lord! what a truly hoggish +man he is; yet I cannot help envying him his oblivion to these +surroundings. + + * * * * * + + + +Arrived in, this afternoon. + + +Alten quite slept off his drink, and was offensively sarcastic as I +worked on the forepart with wires, getting her into the shelters +alongside the mole. + +I hastened up to Bruges, and in the Mess heard several items of news +and found two letters. The first, in a well-known handwriting, I opened +eagerly, but received a chill of disappointment when I read its single +line. + +"I am here when you want me.--Z." + +So she thinks to break my resolution! + +No! I am stronger than she, and, now that I know she loves me, I can +and will bend her to my will. Even now, at this distance of time, I can +hardly understand my conduct the other day. I must have been given the +strength of ten. I feel that I could not do it again; had she hesitated +a second longer at the door--well, I can hardly say what I would have +done. + +It is my duty to do so, for her sake and my own. But I know my +weakness, and in this fact lies my strength. Cost what it may, I shall +not permit myself to go near her until she yields. + +The second letter gave me a great surprise. It was from Rosa. She has +passed some examination, and is coming _here_ of all places as a Red +Cross nurse. She says she is looking forward to going round a U-boat! +She assumes a good deal, I must say, still, I suppose I must be polite +to her; but why the deuce does she sign herself "Yours, Rosa?" She's +not mine, and I don't want her; it seems funny to me that I once +thought of her vaguely in that sort of way. Now, I feel rather +disturbed that she is coming here, though I don't quite see why I +should worry, and yet I wonder if it is a coincidence her coming to +Bruges? + +I'm almost inclined to think it isn't. After all, every girl wants to +get married, and without conceit my family, circumstances and, in the +privacy of the pages of this journal I may add, my personal +appearances, are such as would appeal to most girls--except Zoe, +apparently! + +I'll have to be on my guard against Miss Rosa. + +I heard to-day that I am likely to be appointed to the periscope school +in a few weeks' time, and meanwhile I am to be attached as +supernumerary to the operations division on old Max's staff. + + * * * * * + +The work here is most interesting. I feel glad that I am one of the +spiders weaving the web for Britain's destruction. + +The impasse with Zoe still continues, and my peace of mind has been +still further disturbed by the actual arrival of Rosa. She rang me up +within twelve hours of her arrival, and, of course, I was obliged to +call. That was the day before yesterday. Rosa is at the No. 3 Hospital +here, and was horribly effusive. Some people would, I suppose, call her +good-looking, but to me, with my mind's-eye in perpetual contemplation +of my darling Zoe, Rosa looked like a turnip. Her first movement after +the preliminary greetings was to offer me a cigarette! I then noticed +that her fingers were stained with nicotine, unpleasant in a man, +disgusting in a woman. + +Her nose was shiny and greasy--horrible. After a little talk she +volunteered the statement that yesterday was her afternoon off, and she +was simply longing to have tea in the gardens. + +I endeavoured to make some feeble excuse on the grounds of the weather +being unsuitable, but I am no good at these social lies, and I was +eventually obliged to promise to take her there. I was the more annoyed +in that her main object was obviously to be seen walking with a U-boat +officer. + +Accordingly, yesterday, I found myself walking about with her at my +side. My feelings can better be imagined than described when I suddenly +saw Zoe, accompanied by Babette, in the distance. I hastily altered +course, and pray she didn't see me. + +In the course of the afternoon Rosa had the impertinence to say that at +Frankfurt they were saying that I was interested in a beautiful widow +at Bruges, and could she (Rosa) write and say I was heart-whole, or +else what the girl was like. I'm afraid that I lost my temper a little, +and I told Rosa she could write to all the busybodies at home and tell +them from me to go to the devil. + +These women in the home circle, and especially aunts, are always the +same; firstly, they badger one to get married, and then if they think +one is contemplating such a step they are all agog to find out whether +she is suitable! + + * * * * * + +Three more boats, two of which are U.C.'s, are overdue. It is +distinctly unpleasant not knowing how or where they go, though the U.B. +boat (Friederich Althofen) made her incoming position the day before +yesterday as off Dungeness, so it looks as if the barrage at Dover +which got Weissman has got Althofen as well. I wonder what new devilry +they have put down there. + +How one wishes that in 1914, instead of seeking the capture of Paris, +we had realized the importance of the Channel Ports to England, and +struck for them! + +It would not have been necessary to strike even in September, 1914. We +could have walked into them. Dunkirk, at all events, should have been +ours; however, we must do the best with things as they are, not that I +would consider it too late even now to make a big push for the French +coast. + +It would seem, as a matter of fact, that all the pushing is to be at +the other end of the line, in the Verdun sector, from the rumours I +hear, though I should have thought once bitten twice shy in that +quarter. + + * * * * * + +Saw Zoe again in the distance, and I think she saw me; at all events +she turned round and walked away. + +This girl whom I cannot, and would not if I could, obliterate from my +thoughts, is causing me much worry. + +She shows no sign of giving in, and I for one intend to be adamant. I +shall defeat her in time. The male intellect is always ultimately +victorious, other things being equal. I was reading Schopenhauer on the +subject last night. What a brain that man had, though I confess his +analysis of the female mentality is so terribly and truthfully cruel +that it jars on certain of my feelings. + +Zoe's resolution in this conflict, this sex war one might call it, only +adds to her charm in my eyes; she is, I feel, a worthy mate for me, +both intellectually and physically, and she shall be mine--I have +decided it. + +Met Rosa to-day at old Max's house, where I went to pay a duty call. + +Her Excellency is as forbidding a specimen of her sex as any I have +ever met. She quite frightened me, and in the home circle the old man +seemed quite subdued. + +I escorted Rosa home, and on the way to her hospital she gave me a +great surprise, as after much evasive talk she suddenly came out with +the news that she was engaged to Heinrich Baumer, of U.C.23. I was +quite taken aback, and will frankly confess that not so very long ago I +imagined, evidently erroneously, that she was disposed to let her +affections become engaged in another quarter. However, I was really +very glad to hear this news, and congratulated her with genuine +feeling. + +The knowledge that she was a promised woman quite altered my feelings +towards her, and before I quite meant to, I had told her a considerable +amount about Zoe. It gave me much relief to be able to unburden myself, +and confide my difficulties elsewhere than in the pages of this +journal. + +I have asked the girl to tea to-morrow. + + * * * * * + +A vile air raid last night. British machines, of course. They seemed +determined to get over the town, and from 1 a.m. to 3 a.m. relays of +machines (of which not _one_ was shot down) attacked us. The din was +tremendous, and all sleep was out of the question. + +Morning revealed surprisingly little damage, as is often the case in +these big raids, whereas a few bombs from a chance machine often work +havoc. I was down at 50 B.C. aerodrome this morning, and heard that as +soon as the moon suits we are going to make Dunkirk sit up as +retaliation for last night's efforts. There were also rumours of big +attacks impending on London as soon as the new type of Gothas are +delivered. That will shake the smug security of those cursed islanders. + +Rosa came to tea, and afterwards I told her more about Zoe, and as I +expect any day to be appointed to the periscope school at Kiel, I asked +Rosa to try and effect an introduction to Zoe, and do what she could +for me. Rosa gave me the impression that she was somewhat surprised +that I should have had any difficulty with Zoe (of course I had not +told her of the shooting-box scene). Rosa evidently thinks any woman +ought to be honoured.... + +Perhaps I was not so far wrong in my surmises as to Rosa's previous +inclinations--I wonder; at any rate she will undoubtedly make Baumer a +good wife, and she will probably be very fruitful and grow still fatter +and housewifely. She is of a type of woman appointed by God in his +foresight as breeders. Zoe, my adorable one, will probably not take +kindly to babies. + + * * * * * + +I am ordered to report myself at Kiel by next Monday. + +I am terribly tempted to ring up Zoe on the telephone before I leave: +it seems dreadful to leave her without a word; but at the same time I +feel that she would interpret this as a sign of weakness on my part--as +indeed it would be. I must be firm, for strength of mind pays with +women, even more than with men. + + + + +_At Kiel_. + + +I left Bruges without a word either to or from my obstinate darling. + +It is torture being away from her. I had thought that when I was here +and not exposed to the temptation of going round and seeing her, that +it would be easier; it is not. I long to write, and how I wonder +whether she is feeling it as I do. + +I have read somewhere that a woman's passion once aroused is more +ungovernable than a man's. That her whole being cries aloud for me +cannot be doubted, and if the above statement is true what +inflexibility of will she must be showing--it almost makes me fear--but +no, I will defeat her in this strange contest, and she shall be my +wife. + +The work here is strenuous, and the grass does not grow under one's +feet. The course for commanding officers lasts four weeks, and +terminates in an exceedingly practical but rather fearsome test--i.e., +they have six steamers here camouflaged after the English fashion with +dazzle painting, and these six steamers, protected by launches and +harbour defence craft, steam across Kiel Bay in the manner of a convoy. +The officer being examined has to attack this group of ships in one of +the instructional submarines, and in three attacks he must score at +least two hits, or else, in theory, he is returned to general service +in the Fleet. + +Fortunately at the moment I hear that owing to recent losses they are +distinctly on the short side where submarine officers are concerned, so +they'll probably make it easy when I do my test. + + * * * * * + +I see I have written nothing here for a fortnight; this is due to two +causes: Firstly, I have been so extraordinarily busy, and, secondly, I +have been most depressed through a letter I received from Fritz. It +contained two items of bad news. + +In the first place, I heard for the first time of the tragedy of +Heinrich Baumer's boat, and to my astonishment Fritz tells me that Rosa +and another girl were in her when she was lost! + +It appears that she was to go out for a couple of hours' diving off the +port as a matter of routine after her two months' overhaul. She went +out at 10 a.m., and was sighted from the signal station at the end of +the mole at 11.30, when almost immediately afterwards there was an +explosion and she disappeared. Motor-boats were quickly on the scene, +but only debris came to the surface. Divers were sent down, and +reported that she was in ten metres of water completely shattered. It +is assumed, for lack of other explanation, that she struck a chance +drifting mine which was moving down the coast on the tide. + +Meanwhile Rosa and another sister were missing from the hospital, and +after forty-eight hours someone put two and two together and started +investigations. It has been ascertained that Baumer motored down from +Bruges after breakfast, and that in the car were two figures taken to +be sailors, as they were muffled up in oilskins. This fact was noted by +the control sentries, as, though the day was showery, it was not +raining hard. Other scraps of evidence unite in showing that these were +the two girls who had apparently induced Baumer to take them out for a +dive as a treat. + +What a tragedy! However, it must have been quite instantaneous. Poor +Rosa, with all her vanities about war work, to think that the war would +claim her like that! [1] + +[Footnote 1: It is known that a boat with women on board was lost +whilst exercising off Zeebrugge in the Spring of 1917. This would +appear to be the boat in question.--ETIENNE.] + +Fritz added that old Max is almost off his head with rage over the +whole business, and it is difficult to say whether he is more angry +over Baumer and the boat being lost, or over the fact that Baumer being +dead he is unable to administer those "disciplinary actions" in which +he delights. + + * * * * * + +Great excitement here, as the day after to-morrow His Imperial Majesty +the Kaiser and Hindenburg are due to pay Kiel a surprise visit. We are +to be inspected and addressed. Tremendous preparations are going on. + + * * * * * + +His Majesty, accompanied by the great Field-Marshal, inspected us this +morning, and made a fine speech, of which we have been given printed +copies. I shall frame mine and hang it in my boat, if I get a command. + +I transcribe it: + +"Officers and men of the U-boat service: + +"In the midst of the anxious moments in which we live I have determined +to make time to come and witness in my own person the labours of those +on whom I and the Fatherland rely. Fresh from the great battles on the +West which are gnawing at the vitals of our hereditary enemies, I come +to those whose glorious mission it will be to strike relentlessly at +our most deadly and cunning enemy--cursed Britain. God is on our side +and will protect you at sea for, in the striking at the nation which +openly boasts that it aims at starving our women and children, you are +engaged on a mission of undoubted holiness. + +"You must sink and destroy even as of old the Israelites smote and +destroyed the alien races. + +"To the officers I would particularly say, my person is your honour, +and I am your supreme chief. From my hands you will receive honour, and +from my hands will proceed just punishment for the unhappy ones who +fail in their duty. + +"To the men I would say, trust and obey your officers as you would your +God. Officers and men! In you, your Kaiser and Fatherland place their +trust--let neither be disappointed!" + +After his address, His Majesty graciously spoke a few words to +individuals, of whom I had the signal honour of being one. I felt that +I was in the presence of an Emperor. His gestures, his eyes, his voice, +impressed me as belonging to a man born to command and to fill high +places. The Field-Marshal never opened his mouth. I understand from his +A.D.C. that he rarely speaks in public. + + * * * * * + +The Colonel is KILLED! When I think about it, I am so excited I can +hardly write! + +I heard the great news last night, quite by accident. I was sitting in +the Mess after dinner, and picked up _Die Woche_, and glancing at the +pictures, I suddenly saw the portrait of Colonel Stein, of the +Brandenburgers, killed on the 7th instant near Ypres. I recognized the +ugly and bloated face immediately from the photograph of him which she +had once shown me. + +My first impulse was to send her a wire, but, on thinking matters over, +I decided that it would be difficult to put all my thoughts into the +curt sentences of a telegram, and, further, that as all wires are +doubtless examined at the Main Post Office at Bruges, it might lead to +trouble, so I wrote her a letter. + +This, in a way, has been an exhibition of weakness on my part, as I had +promised myself that I would not take the first step in reopening +communication; but I feel that the fortunate death of Stein has +completely altered the case. I told her in the letter that I realized +that I had made mistakes, but that if she still loved me with half the +strength that I loved her, then a telegram to me would make me the +happiest of men. + +I wrote that yesterday, but have had no wire. Perhaps, like me, she +distrusts telegrams and prefers letters. + + * * * * * + +A long letter from Zoe: an accursed fetter--an abominable letter--a +damnable letter; she still refuses to marry me. I leave for Bruges +to-night on forty-eight hours' special leave. + + + + +_Kiel, 17th._ + + +I hate Zoe, she has broken my heart. + +After her preposterous letter of the 14th, I decided that in a matter +which so closely affected my happiness no stone ought to remain +unturned to ensure a satisfactory solution of the problem, so I +determined to have a personal interview. I arrived at Bruges after tea +and went at once to the flat. + +I tackled her immediately on the subject of her letter, and told her +that naturally I understood that a decent interval must elapse before +we married; but, granted this fact, I told her that I failed to see +what prevented our marriage. + +A most unpleasant and harrowing scene ensued, the details of which form +such painful recollections that I really cannot write them down here, +though in the passage of months I have acquired the habit of writing in +the pages of this journal with the same freedom as I would talk to that +wife whom I had hoped to possess. She maintained an obstinate silence +when I urged her to give me at least some tangible reason as to why she +would not marry me. She contented herself and maddened me by reflecting +in a kind of monotone: "I love you, Karl! and am yours, but I cannot +marry you." + +I could have beaten her till she was senseless, but I had enough sense +to realize that with Zoe, whose resolution, considering she is a woman, +amazes me, force is not the best method. As I continued to press her +(time was important: had I not journeyed far to see her?), those +glorious eyes of hers, which I love and whose power I dread, filled +with tears. I was a brute! I was heartless! I was inconsiderate! I +could not love her! I was cruel! And I know not what other accusation +crushed me down. + +Broken-hearted and dispirited, I told her to choose there and then. + +She collapsed on to a sofa in a storm of tears, and after a severe +mental struggle I took the only possible course, and leaving the +room--left her for ever. I have resumed my service life determined to +cast her out from my mind. + +I will not deceive myself: it will be hard. Love and Logic are deadly +enemies, but Logic must and shall prevail. Though I have seen her for +the last time, I cannot escape the net of fascination which the girl +has thrown over me. Perhaps in the course of time I shall slowly emerge +and free myself from its entanglements. At present I hate her for this +blow she has dealt me, and yet, O Zoe! my darling, how I long to be +with you! + + * * * * * + +To-day I went through my final test for qualification as U-boat +commander. + +At 9 a.m. I proceeded to sea in command of the U.11, one of the +instructional boats here. We proceeded out into Kiel Bay. On board and +watching my every movement was a committee consisting of a commander +and two lieutenant-commanders. + +On arrival at the entrance lightship, I was ordered to attack a convoy +of camouflaged ships which were just visible about fifteen kilometres +away off the Spit Bank. I had a very shrewd idea as to the course they +would steer, and on coming up for my final observation I found myself +in an excellent position, 1,000 metres on the bow of the leading ship. +The rest was easy. I gave the leader the two bow torpedoes, and, +turning sixteen points, fired my stern tube at the third ship of the +line. Two hits were obtained, and I returned to harbour well pleased +with myself. There is not the slightest chance of having failed to +qualify. + + * * * * * + +My confidence in myself was not misplaced; I heard to-day that I am on +the command list, and anticipate in a few days being appointed to a +boat. I wonder which craft I shall get? + + * * * * * + +I met the A.D.C. to the Chief of the Staff at the school, at the +gardens, and in conversation with him discovered that he had heard that +three boats were being detached from the Flanders flotilla for an +unknown destination. This has given me an idea, for I feel that I can +never return to Bruges, and I was rather dreading being appointed to +one of the boats there. I have dropped a line to Fritz Regels, who is +on old Max's staff, and told him that I do not wish to return to +Bruges, and I further hinted that I understood a detached squadron was +proceeding somewhere, and, as far as I was concerned, the further the +better, if I could get into it. + +I have tried the night life at this place at the Mascotte and +Trocadero, [1] in order to forget, but it is a poor consolation. + +[Footnote 1: Two well-known cabarets at Kiel.--ETIENNE.] + + * * * * * + +A letter from Fritz, saying that he has an idea that Korting's boat +would suit me, though he could not of course give me further details in +a letter; however, he informs me positively that I shall not be at +Bruges. + +On the strength of this I have wired to Fritz, and asked him to try and +fix up an exchange between me and Korting, provided the latter is +agreeable and the people in Max's office have no objection. I have a +recollection that Korting's boat is one of the U.40--U.60 class, which +would suit me admirably, and, as for destination, I care not where it +is, provided only that it be far from Bruges. + + + + +_At sea_. + + +I have quite neglected my poor old journal for several weeks. But I +have passed through an extraordinarily busy period. + +It was approved that I should relieve Korting, whose boat, the U.59, I +discovered to be refitting at Wilhelmshaven. I was very pleased not to +go back to Bruges, though as we steam steadily north at this moment I +cannot escape a sense of deep disappointment that upon my return from +this trip I shall not enjoy as of old the fascination of Zoe. But I +shall have plenty of time to get accustomed to this idea, for this is +no ordinary trip. + +We are bound for the North Cape and Murman Coast, where we remain until +well into the cold weather--at any rate, for three months. + +Our mission is to work off that fogbound and desolate coast, and attack +the constant stream of traffic between England and Archangel. There are +two other boats besides ourselves on the job, but we shall all be +working far apart. + +Our first billet is off the North Cape. In order to save time, we are +to be provisioned once a month in one of the fjords. I don't imagine +the Admiralty will have any difficulty in getting supplies up to us, as +at the moment we are off the Lofotens, and we actually have not had to +dive since we left the Bight! + +There seems to be nothing on the sea except ourselves. Where is the +much vaunted and impenetrable web of blockade which the English are +supposed to have spread around us? And yet many raw materials are +getting very short with us. I see that in this boat they have replaced +several copper pipes with steel ones during her refit, and this will +lead to trouble unless we are careful--steel pipes corrode so badly +that I never feel ready to trust them for pressure work. + +The truth about the blockade is that it is largely a paper blockade, +yet not ineffective for all that. Unfortunately for us, the damned +English and their hangers-on control the cables of the world, and hence +all the markets, and I don't suppose, to take the case of copper, that +a single pound of it is mined from the Rio Tinto without the British +Board of Trade knowing all about it. The neutral firms simply dare not +risk getting put on to the British Black List; it means ruination for +them. And then all these dollar-grabbing Yankees, enjoying all the +advantages of war without any of its dangers--they make me sick. + +This seems a most profitable job. I have only been up seven days, but +I've bagged four steamers, all by gun-fire, and all fat ships, brimful +of stuff for the Russians. My practice has been to make the North Cape +every day or two to fix position, as the currents are the most abnormal +in these parts, and I should say that the "Sailing Directions Pilotage +Handbook" and "Tidal Charts" were compiled by a gentleman at a desk who +had never visited these latitudes. + +At the moment I am standing well out to sea, as the immediate vicinity +of the North Cape has become rather unhealthy. + +Yesterday afternoon (I had sunk number four in the morning, and the +crew were still pulling for the coast) four British trawlers turned up. +These damned little craft seem to turn up wherever one goes. I longed +to have a bang at them with my gun, but, apart from the uncertainty as +to what they carried in the way of armament, I have strict orders to +avoid all that sort of thing, so I dived and steamed slowly west, came +up at dusk and proceeded to charge up my batteries. + +These U.60's are excellent boats, and I am very lucky to get one so +soon. I suppose Korting, being a married man, wants to stay near his +wife. I cannot write that word without painful memories of Zoe and idle +thoughts of what might have been. Well, perhaps it is for the best. I +am not sure that a member of the U-boat service has the right to get +married in war-time, for unless he is of exceptional mentality it must +affect his outlook under certain circumstances, though I think I should +have been an exception here. Then the anxiety to the woman must be +enormous; as every trip comes round a voice must cry within her, this +may be the last. The contrast between the times in harbour and the +trips is so violent, so shattering and clear cut. + +With a soldier's wife, she merely knows that he is at the front; with +us, at 8 p.m. one may be kissing one's wife in Bruges, and at 6 a.m. +creeping with nerves on edge through the unknown dangers of the Dover +Barrage--but I have strayed from what I meant to write about--my first +command and her crew. + +The quarters in this class are immensely superior to the U.C.-boats. +Here I have a little cabin to myself, with a knee-hole table in it. My +First Lieutenant, the Navigator and the Engineer have bunks in a room +together, and then we have a small officers' mess. + +On this job up here, as we are not to return to Germany for supplies, +and, consequently, I should say we may have to live on what we can get +out of steamers, I don't propose to use my torpedoes unless I meet a +warship or an exceptionally large steamer. + +The gun's the thing, as Arnauld de la Perrière has proved in the +Mediterranean; but half the fellows won't follow his example, simply +because they don't realize that it's no use employing the gun unless it +is used accurately, and good shooting only comes after long drill. + +I have impressed this fact on my gun crew, and particularly the two +gun-layers, and I make Voigtman (my young First Lieutenant) take the +crew through their loading drill twice a day, together with practice of +rapid manning of the gun after a "surface" or rapid abandonment of the +gun should the diving alarms sound in the middle of practice. I have +also impressed on Voigtman that I consider that he is the gun control +officer, and that I expect him to make the efficient working of the gun +his main consideration. + +As regards the crew, they are the usual mixed crowd that one gets +nowadays: half of them are old sailors, the others recruits and new +arrivals from the Fleet. My main business at the moment is to get the +youngsters into shape, and for this purpose I have been doing a number +of crash dives. It also gives me an opportunity of getting used to the +boat's peculiarities under water. She seems to have a tendency to +become tail-heavy, but this may be due to bad trimming. + +Voigtman has been in U.B.43 for nine months, and seems a capable +officer. Socially, I don't think he can boast of much descent, but he +has no airs, and treats me with pleasing respect, apart from service +considerations. + + * * * * * + +A very awkward accident took place this morning, which resulted in +severe injury to Johann Wiener, my second coxswain. + +A party of men under his direction were engaged in shifting the stern +torpedo from its tube, in order to replace it with a spare torpedo, as +I never allow any of my torpedoes to stay in the tube for more than a +week at a time owing to corrosion. The torpedo which had been in the +tube had been launched back and was on the floor plates. + +The spare torpedo, destined for the vacant tube, was hanging overhead, +when without any warning the hook on the lifting band fractured, and +the 1,000 kilogrammes' mass of metal crashed down. + +Wonderful to relate, no one was killed, but two men were badly bruised, +and Wiener has been very seriously injured. He was standing astride the +spare torpedo, and his right leg was extremely badly crushed, mostly +below the knee. + +Unfortunately it took about ten minutes to release him from his +position of terrible agony. I should have expected him to faint, but he +did not. His face went dead white, and he began to sweat freely, but +otherwise endured his ordeal with praiseworthy fortitude. + +[Illustration: "The 1,000 kilogrammes of metal crashed down."] + +[Illustration: "Good-bye! Steer west for America!"] + +[Illustration: "It is a snug anchorage and here I intend to remain."] + +I am now confronted with a perplexing situation. I cannot take him back +to Germany; I cannot even leave my station and proceed south to any of +the Norwegian ports. If I could find a neutral steamer with a doctor on +board, I would tranship him to her; but the chances of this God-send +materializing are a thousand to one in these latitudes. If I sighted a +hospital ship I would close her, but as far as I know at present there +are no hospital ships running up here. The chances of outside +assistance may therefore be reckoned as nil. Wiener's hope of life +depends on me, and I cannot make up my mind to take the step which +sooner or later must be taken--that is to say, amputation. + +It is a curious fact, but true, nevertheless, that although, as a +result of the war, men's lives, considered in quantity, seem of little +importance, when it comes to the individual case, a personal contact, a +man's life assumes all its pre-war importance. + +I feel acutely my responsibility in this matter. I see from his papers +that he is a married man with a family; this seems to make it worse. I +feel that a whole chain of people depend on me. + + * * * * * + +Since I wrote the above words this morning, Wiener has taken a decided +turn for the worse. + +I have been reading the "Medical Handbook," with reference to the +remarks on amputation, gangrene, etc., and I have also been examining +his leg. The poor devil is in great pain, and there is no doubt that +mortification has set in, as was indeed inevitable. I have decided that +he must have his last chance, and that at 8 p.m. to-night I will +endeavour to amputate. + + + + +_Midnight_. + + +I have done it--only partially successful. + + * * * * * + +Last night, in accordance with my decision, I operated on Wiener. +Voigtman assisted me. It was a terrible business, but I think it +desirable to record the details whilst they are fresh in my memory, as +a Court of Inquiry may be held later on. Voigtman and I spent the whole +afternoon in the study of such meagre details on the subject as are +available in the "Medical Handbook." We selected our knives and a saw +and sterilized them; we also disinfected our hands. + +At 7.45 I dived the boat to sixty metres, at which depth the boat was +steady. We had done our best with the wardroom-table, and upon this the +patient was placed. I decided to amputate about four inches above the +knee, where the flesh still seemed sound. I considered it impracticable +to administer an anaesthetic, owing to my absolute inexperience in this +matter. + +Three men held the patient down, as with a firm incision I began the +work. The sawing through the bone was an agonizing procedure, and I +needed all my resolution to complete the task. Up to this stage all had +gone as well as could be expected, when I suddenly went through the +last piece of bone and cut deep into the flesh on the other side. An +instantaneous gush of blood took place, and I realized that I had +unexpectedly severed the popliteal artery, before Voigtman, who was +tying the veins, was ready to deal with it. + +I endeavoured to staunch the deadly flow by nipping the vein between my +thumb and forefinger, whilst Voigtman hastily tried to tie it. Thinking +it was tied, I released it, and alas! the flow at once started again; +once more I seized the vein, and once again Voigtman tried to tie it. +Useless--we could not stop the blood. He would undoubtedly have bled to +death before our eyes, had not Voigtman cauterized the place with an +electric soldering-iron which was handy. + +Much shaken, I completed the amputation, and we dressed the stump as +well as we could. + +At the moment of writing he is still alive, but as white as snow; he +must have lost litres of blood through that artery. + + + + +9 _p.m._ + + +Wiener died two hours ago. I should say the immediate cause of death +was shock and loss of blood. I did my best. + + * * * * * + +We have been out on this extended patrol area seven days, but not a +wisp of smoke greets our eyes. + +Nothing but sea, sea, sea. Oh, how monotonous it is! I cannot make out +where the shipping has got to. Tomorrow I am going to close the North +Cape again. I think everything must be going inside me. I am too far +out here. + + * * * * * + +The North Cape bears due east. Nothing afloat in sight. Where the devil +can all the shipping be? In ten days' time I am due to meet my supply +ship; meanwhile I think I'll have to take another cast out, of three +hundred miles or so. + + * * * * * + +Nothing in sight, nothing, nothing. + +The barometer falling fast and we are in for a gale. I have decided to +make the coast again, as I don't want to fail to turn up punctually at +the rendezvous. + + * * * * * + +In the Standarak-Landholm Fjord--thank heavens. + +Heavens! we have had a time. We were still two hundred and fifty miles +from the coast when we were caught by the gale. And a gale up here is a +gale, and no second thoughts about it. To say it blew with the force of +ten thousand devils is to understate the case. The sea came on to us in +huge foaming rollers like waves of attacking infantry intent on +overwhelming us. + +We struggled east at about three knots. But she stuck it magnificently. +Low scudding clouds obscured the sky and came like a procession of +ghosts from the north-east. Sun observations were impossible for two +reasons. Firstly, no one could get on deck; secondly, there was no +visible sun. This lasted for three days, at the end of which time we +had only the vaguest idea as to where we were. + +The gale then blew out, but, contrary to all expectations, was +succeeded by a most abominable fog, thick and white like cotton-wool. +These were hardly ideal conditions under which to close a rocky and +unknown coast, but it had to be done. The trouble was that it was +entirely useless taking soundings, as the twenty-metre depth-line on +the chart went right up to the land. We crept slowly eastwards, till, +when by dead reckoning we were ten miles inside the coast, the +Navigator accidentally leant on the whistle lever; this action on his +part probably saved the ship, as an immediate echo answered the blast. +In an instant we were going full-speed astern. We altered course +sixteen points and proceeded ten miles westerly, where we lay on and +off the coast all night, cursing the fog. + +Next day it lifted, and we spent the whole time trying to find the +entrance to the S. Landholm Fjord. The coast appeared to bear no +resemblance to the chart whatsoever. + +The cliffs stand up to a height of several hundred metres, with +occasional clefts where a stream runs down. There are no trees, houses, +animals, or any signs of life, except sea birds, of which there are +myriads. The Engineer declares he saw a reindeer, but five other people +on deck failed to see any signs of the beast. + +After hours of nosing about, during which my heart was in my mouth, as +I quite expected to fetch up on a pinnacle rock, items which are +officially described in the Handbook as being "very numerous," we +rounded a bluff and got into a place which seems to answer the +description of S. Landholm. At any rate, it is a snug anchorage, and +here I intend to remain for a few days, and hope for my store-ship to +turn up. + +I've posted a daylight look-out on top of the bluff; it would be very +awkward to be caught unawares in this place, which is only about 150 +metres wide in places. + +I'm taking advantage of the rest to give the crew some exercises and +execute various minor repairs to the Diesels. + + * * * * * + +Yesterday we fought what must be one of the most remarkable single-ship +actions of the war. + +At 9 a.m. the look-out on the cliffs reported smoke to the northward. + +I got the anchor up and made ready to push off, but still kept the +look-out ashore. At 9.30 he reported a destroyer in sight, which seemed +serious if she chose to look into my particular nook. + +At any rate, I thought, I wouldn't be caught like a rat, so I got my +look-out on board--a matter of ten minutes--and then proceeded out, +trimmed down and ready for diving. + +When I drew clear of the entrance I saw the enemy distant about a +thousand metres. I at once recognized her as being one of the oldest +type of Russian torpedo boats afloat. When I established this fact, a +devil entered into my mind, and did a most foolhardy act. + +I decided that I would not retreat beneath the sea, but that I would +fight her as one service ship to another. + +When I make up my mind, I do so in no uncertain manner--indecision is +abhorrent to me--and I sharply ordered, "Gun's Crew--Action." + +I can still see the comical look of wonderment which passed over my +First Lieutenant's face, but he knows me, and did not hesitate an +instant. We drilled like a battleship, and in sixty-five seconds--I +timed it as a matter of interest--from my order we fired the first +shot. It fell short. + +Extraordinary to relate, the torpedo boat, without firing a gun, put +her helm hard over, and started to steam away at her full speed, which +I suppose was about seventeen knots. + +I actually began to chase her--a submarine chasing a torpedo boat! It +was ludicrous. + +With broad smiles on their faces, my good gun's crew rapidly fired the +gun, and we had the satisfaction of striking her once, near her after +funnel, but it did no vital damage, as a few minutes afterwards she +drew out of range! What a pack of incompetent cowards! + +They never fired a shot at us. I suppose half of them were drunk or +else in a state of semi-mutiny, for one hears strange tales of affairs +in Russia these days. + +The whole incident was quite humorous, but I realized that I had hardly +been wise, as without doubt the English will hear of this, and these +trawlers of theirs will turn up, and I'm certainly not going to try any +heroics with John Bull, who is as tough a fighter as we are. + +Meanwhile, what of the supply ship, for I'm supposed to meet her here, +and it's already twenty-four hours since yesterday's epoch-making +battle and I expect the English any moment. + + * * * * * + +My doubts were removed for me since I received special orders at noon +by high-power wireless from Nordreich, and on decoding them found that, +for some reason or other, we are ordered to proceed to Muckle Flugga +Cape, and thence down the coast of Shetlands to the Fair Island +Channel, where we are directed to cruise till further orders. Special +warning is included as to encountering friendly submarines. + +It appears to me that a special concentration of U-boats is being +ordered round about the Orkneys, and that some big scheme is on hand. + +We are now steering south-westerly to make Muckle Flugga, which I hope +to do in four days' time if the weather holds. + +These Northern waters have proved very barren of shipping in the last +few weeks, and this fact, coupled with the approaching winter weather, +which must be fiendish in these latitudes, makes me quite ready to +exchange the Archangel billet for the work round the Orkneys and +Shetlands, though this is damnable enough in the winter, in all +conscience. + +There is only one fly in the ointment, and that is that this premature +return to North Sea waters might conceivably mean a visit to Zeebrugge, +though this class are not likely to be sent there. + +Though it is many weeks since I left Zoe, I have not been able to +forget her. I continually wonder what she is doing, and often when I am +not on my guard she wanders into my thoughts. + +Whilst I am up here, it does not matter much, except that it causes me +unhappiness, but if I found myself at Bruges it would be very hard. +However, I don't suppose I shall ever see her again. + + * * * * * + +Sighted Muckle Flugga this morning, and shaped course for Fair Island. + + * * * * * + +Oh! what a hell I have passed through. I can hardly realize that I am +alive, but I am, though whether I shall be to-morrow morning is +doubtful--it all depends on the weather, and who would willingly stake +their life on North Sea weather at this time of the year? + +Curses on the man who sent us to the Fair Island Channel. Where the +devil is our Intelligence Service? If we make Flanders I have a story +to tell that will open their eyes, blind bats that they are, +luxuriating in the comfort of their fat staff jobs ashore. + +The Fair Island Channel is an English death-trap; it stinks with death. +By cursed luck we arrived there just as the English were trying one of +their new devices, and it is the devil. Exactly what the system is, I +don't quite know, and I hope never again to have to investigate it. + +For forty-seven, hours we have been hunted like a rat, and now, with +the pressure hull leaking in three places, and the boat half full of +chlorine, we are struggling back on the surface, practically incapable +of diving at least for more than ten minutes at a time. Even on the +surface, with all the fans working, one must wear a gas mask to +penetrate the fore compartment. Oh! these English, what devils they +are! + +Here is what happened: + +Fair Island was away on our port beam when we sighted a large English +trawler, which I suspected of being a patrol. To be on the safe side, I +dived and proceeded at twenty metres for about an hour. + +At 5 p.m. (approximately) I came up to periscope depth to have a look +round, but quickly dived again as I discovered a trawler, steering on +the same course as myself, about a thousand metres astern of me. This +was the more disconcerting, as in the short time at my disposal it +seemed to me that she was remarkably similar to the craft I had seen in +the afternoon, and yet this hardly seemed likely, as I did not think +she could have sighted me then. + +On diving, I altered course ninety degrees, and proceeded for half an +hour at full speed, then altered another ninety degrees, in the same +direction as the previous alteration, and diving to thirty metres I +proceeded at dead slow. By midnight I had been diving so much that I +decided to get a charge on the batteries before dawn; I also wanted to +be up at 1 a.m. to make my position report. + +I surfaced after a good look round through the right periscope, which, +as usual, revealed nothing. I had hardly got on the bridge, when a +flash of flame stabbed the night on the starboard beam and a shell +moaned just overhead. + +I crash-dived at once, but could not get under before the enemy fired a +second shot at us, which fortunately missed us. As we dived I ordered +the helm hard a starboard, to counteract the expected depth-charge +attack. We must have been a hundred and fifty metres from the first +charge and a little below it, five others followed in rapid succession, +but were further away, and we suffered no damage beyond a couple of +broken lights. The situation was now extremely unpleasant. I did not +dare venture to the surface, and thus missed my 1 a.m. signal from +Headquarters. I wanted a charge badly, and so proceeded at the lowest +possible speed. At regular intervals our enemy dropped one depth-charge +somewhere astern of us, but these reports always seemed the same +distance away. + +At dawn I very cautiously came up to periscope depth, and had a look. +To my consternation I discovered our relentless pursuer about 1,500 +metres away on the port quarter. In some extraordinary manner he had +tracked us during the night. + +I dived and altered course through ninety degrees to south. + +At 9 a.m. a tremendous explosion shook the boat from stem to stern, +smashing several lights, and giving her a big inclination up by the +bow. + +As I was only at twenty metres I feared the boat would break surface, +and our enemy was evidently very nearly right over us. I at once +ordered hard to dive, and went down to the great depth of ninety-five +metres. + +A series of shattering explosions somewhere above us showed that we +were marked down, and we were only saved from destruction by our great +depth, the English charges being set apparently to about thirty metres. + +At noon the situation was critical in the extreme. My battery density +was down to 1,150, the few lamps that I had burning were glowing with a +faint, dull red appearance, which eloquently told of the falling +voltage and the dying struggles of the battery. + +The motors with all fields out were just going round. The faces of the +crew, pallid with exhaustion, seemed of an ivory whiteness in the dusky +gloom of the boat, which never resembled a gigantic and fantastically +ornamental coffin so closely as she did at that time. + +The air was fetid. I struck a match; it went out in my fingers. The +slightest effort was an agony. I bent down to take off my sea-boots, +and cold sweat dropped off my forehead, and my pulse rose with a kind +of jerk to a rapid beating, like a hammer. + +I left one sea-boot on. + +At 1 p.m. a deputation of the crew came aft, and in whispered voices +implored me to surface the boat and make a last effort on the surface. +A muffled report, as our implacable enemy dropped a depth-charge +somewhere astern of us, added point to the conversation, and showed me +that our appearance on the surface could have but one end. + +At 3 p.m. the second coxswain, who was working the hydroplanes, fell +off his stool in a dead faint. + +At 3.30 p.m. the supreme crisis was reached: two more men fainted, and +I realized that if I did not surface at once I might find the crew +incapable of starting the Diesels. + +At the order "Surface," a feeble cheer came from the men. + +We surfaced, and I dragged myself-up to the conning tower. Luckily we +started the Diesels with ease, and in a few minutes gusts of beautiful +air were circulating through the boat. + +Meanwhile, what of the enemy? I had half expected a shell as soon as we +came up, and it was with great anxiety that I looked round. We had been +slightly favoured by fortune in that the only thing in sight was a +trawler away on the port beam. It was our hunter. + +I trimmed right down, hoping to avoid being seen, as it was essential +to stay on the surface and get some amperes into the battery. I also +altered course away from him. + +It was about 5 p.m. that I saw two trawlers ahead, one on each bow. By +this time the boat's crew had quite recovered, but I did not wish to +dive, as the battery was still pitiably low. I gradually altered course +to north-east, but after half an hour's run I almost ran on top of a +group of patrols in the dusk. + +I crash-dived, and they must have seen me go down, as a few minutes +later the boat was violently shaken by a depth-charge. + +We were at twenty metres, still diving at the time. I consulted the +chart, but could find no bottoming ground within fifty miles, a +distance which was quite beyond my powers. + +At 11 p.m. I simply had to come up again and get a charge on the +batteries. + +From 7 p.m. to 10 p.m., at regular half-hourly intervals, a +depth-charge had gone off somewhere within a radius of two miles of me. +Needless to say, I was only crawling along at about one knot and +altering course frequently. What was so terrible was the patent fact +that the patrols in this area had evidently got some device which +enabled them to keep in continual touch with me to a certain extent. + +These monotonous and regular depth-charges seemed to say: "We know, Oh! +U-boat, that we are somewhere near you, and here is a depth-charge just +to tell you that we haven't lost you yet." [1] + +[Footnote 1: Karl was quite right; it is evident that he had the +misfortune to encounter one of our new hydrophone-hunting groups, just +started In the Fair Island Channel. The incident of the depth-charges +every half-hour was known as "Tickling up." Probably the patrol only +heard faint noises from him.--ETIENNE.] + +As an hour had elapsed since the last depth-charge, I felt fairly happy +at coming up, and on making the surface I was delighted to find a +pitch-black night and a considerable sea. From 10 p.m. to 1 a.m. I +actually had three hours of peace, and in this period I managed to cram +a considerable amount of stuff into the batteries. The densities were +rising nicely and all seemed well, when I did what I now see was a very +foolish thing. + +I made my 1 a.m. wireless report to Nordreich, in which I requested +orders at 3 a.m. and reported my position, together with the fact that +I had been badly hunted. + +In twenty-five minutes they were on me again! I had most idiotically +assumed that the English had no directional wireless in these parts. +They have. They've got everything that they have ever tried up there; +it was concentrated in that infernal Fair Island Channel. + +I was only saved by seeing a destroyer coming straight at me, +silhouetted against, the low-lying crescent of a new moon. When I dived +she was about six hundred metres away. As I have confessed to doing a +foolish thing, I give myself the pleasure of recording a cleverer move +on my part. I anticipated depth-charge attack as a matter of course, +but instead of going down to twenty-five metres, I kept her at twelve. + +The depth-charges came all right, seven smashing explosions, but, as I +had calculated, they were set to go off at about thirty metres, and so +were well below me. + +The boat was thrown bodily up by one, and I think the top of the +conning tower must have broken surface, but there was little danger of +this being seen in the prevailing water conditions. + + * * * * * + +I have just had to stop recording my experiences of the past +forty-eight hours, as the Navigator, who is on watch, sent down a +message to say that smoke was in sight. + +The next hour was full of anxiety, but by hauling off to port we +managed to lose it. I then had a little food, and I will now conclude +my account before trying again to get some sleep. + + + + +_The account continued._ + + +All my hopes of getting up again that night, both for the purpose of +charging and of getting the 3 a.m. signal, were doomed to be +disappointed, as the hydrophone operator kept on reporting the noise of +destroyers overhead. Occasional distant thuds seemed to indicate a +never-ending supply of depth-charges, but they were about four or five +miles from me. Perhaps some other unfortunate devil was going through +the fires of hell. + +At daylight on the second day my position was still miserable. The +battery was getting low again, the sea had gone down, and when I put my +periscope up at 9 a.m. the horizon seemed to be ringed with patrols. I +felt as if I was in an invisible net, and though I endeavoured to +conceal my apprehension from the crew, I could see from the listless +way they went about their duties that they realized that once again we +were near the end of our resources. + +All the forenoon we crept along at thirty metres, until the tension was +broken at 1 p.m. by a furious depth-charge attack. In some +extraordinary way they had located me again and closed in upon me. The +first charges were some little distance off, and as they got closer a +feeling of desperation overcame me, and I seriously contemplated ending +the agony by surfacing and fighting to the last with my gun. + +Curiously enough, the procedure that I adopted was the exact opposite. +I decided to dive deep. I went down to 114 metres. At this exceptional +depth, three rivets in the pressure hull began to leak, and jets of +water with the rigidity of bars of iron shot into the boat. I held on +for five minutes, which was sufficient to save me from the depth-charge +attack, though two which went off almost above me broke some lamps. I +then came up to twenty metres and slowly crawled on. Throughout the +long afternoon, though we were not directly attacked again, I heard +depth-charges on several occasions sufficiently close to me to +demonstrate that these implacable and tireless devils had an idea of +the area I was in. + +By a supreme effort, working one motor at the only speed it would go, +viz., "Dead slow," I managed to squeeze out the battery until I +estimated it must be dusk. + +There was only one thing to do--I surfaced. It was not as dark as I had +hoped, and I saw a fairly large sloop-like vessel, about eight thousand +metres away, on the port beam. She must have seen me simultaneously, as +the flash of a gun darted from her, the shell falling short. + +I couldn't dive; there seemed only one thing to do: fight and then die. +I ordered the gun's crew up, and the unequal duel began. We were going +full speed on the Diesels, and my course was east by north. A good deal +of water and spray was flying over the gun, and my crew had little hope +of doing much accurate shooting, but I have often found that when one +is being fired at there is nothing so comforting as the sound of one's +own gun. + +Our enemy was armed with two large guns, fifteen centimetres or over, +but had no speed, a discovery which raised my hopes again. It was soon +evident that, provided we were not heading for another patrol, if we +could survive ten minutes' shelling, we should be saved for the time +being by the fading light, which was evidently causing our enemy +increasing difficulties, as his shots alternated between very short and +very much over. + +I was actually congratulating the Navigator on our escape, and I had +just told the gun's crew to cease firing at the blurred outlines on the +port quarter from which the random shells still came, when there was a +sheet of yellow flame and a jar which threw me against the signalman. +The latter had been standing near the conning-tower hatch, and +unfortunately I knocked him off his balance, and he fell with a thud +into the upper conning tower. He had the good fortune to escape with a +couple of ribs broken, but when I recovered myself and got to my feet, +far worse consequences met my eyes. + +By the worst of ill-luck, a shell which must have been fired +practically at random had hit the gun just below the port trunnion. + +The result of the explosion was very severe. Four of the seven men at +the gun had been blown overboard, the breech worker was uninjured, +though from the way he swayed about it was evident that he was dazed, +and I expected to see him fall over the side at any moment. The +remaining two men were as dead as horse-flesh. + +The material damage was even more serious. The gun had been practically +thrown out of its cradle, but in the main the trunnion blocks had held +firm, and the whole pedestal had been carried over to starboard. + +The really terrible effects of this injury were not apparent at first +sight, but I soon realized them, for an hour later (we had shaken off +the sloop) I saw red flame on the horizon, which plainly indicated +flaming at the funnel from some destroyer doubtless looking for us at +high speed. + +I dived, intending to surface again as soon as possible. With this +intention in my head, I did not go below the upper conning tower. We +had barely got to ten metres, when loud cries from below and the +disquieting noise of rushing water told me that something was wrong. I +blew all tanks, surfaced, left the First Lieutenant on watch and went +below. + +There were five centimetres of water on the battery boards, and I +understood at once that we could never dive again. + +For the pedestal of the gun, in being forced over, had strained the +longitudinal seam of the pressure hull, to which it is bolted, and a +shower of water had come through as soon as we got under. + +It might have been hoped that this was enough, but no! our cup was not +yet full. Chlorine gas suddenly began to fill the fore-end. The salt +water running down into the battery tanks had found acid, and though I +ordered quantities of soda to be put down into the tank, it became, and +still is at the moment of writing, impossible to move forward of the +conning tower without putting on a gas mask and oxygen helmet. So we +are helpless, and at the mercy of any little trawler, or even the +weather. + +We have no gun; we cannot dive. The English must know that they have +hit us, and every hour I expect to see the hull of a destroyer climb +over the horizon astern. + +We are fortunate in two respects: in that for the time being the +weather seems to promise well, and our Diesels are thoroughly sound. + +We are ordered to Zeebrugge--I could have wished elsewhere for many +reasons, but it does not matter, as I cannot believe we are intended to +escape. + +I feel I would almost welcome an enemy ship, it would soon be over; but +this uncertainty and anxiety drags on for hour after hour--and now I +cannot sleep, though I haven't slept properly for over seventy hours. I +am so worn out that my body screams for sleep, but it is denied to me, +and so, lest I go mad, I write; it is better to do this, though my eyes +ache and the letters seem to wriggle, than to stand up on the bridge +looking for the smoke of our enemies, or to lie in my bunk and count +the revolutions of the Diesels; thousands of thousands of thudding +beats, one after the other, relentless hammer strokes. + +I have endured much. + + + + +_NOTE BY ETIENNE_ + + +_A break occurs in Karl von Schenk's diary at this juncture. Fortunately +the main outlines of the story are preserved owing to Zoe's long +letter, which was in a small packet inside the cover of the second +notebook. Zoe's letter will be reproduced in this book in its proper +chronological position, but in order to save the reader the trouble of +reading the book from the letter back to this point, a brief summary of +what took place is given here. The entries in his diary which follow +the words "I have endured much," are very meagre for a period which +seems to have been about a month in length. There is no further mention +of the latter stages of Karl's passage in the wrecked boat to +Zeebrugge, so it is presumed that he made that port without further +adventure. He was evidently on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and +appears to have been suffering from very severe insomnia. He had been +hunted for two days, during which he was perpetually on the verge of +destruction, and the cumulative effect of such an experience is bound +to leave its mark on the strongest man. When he got back to Zeebrugge +he must have been at the end of his tether, and whether by chance or +design it was when Karl was, as he would have said, "at a low mental +ebb" that Zoe made her last and successful attack upon his resolution +not to see her again unless she consented to marry him. It is plain +from her letter that when he left her after the stormy interview in +which he vowed never to see her again, Zoe did not lose hope. She seems +to have kept herself _au courant _with his movements, and actually to +have known when he was expected in._ + +_We know that she had many friends amongst the officers, and it is +probable that from one of these she was able to get information about +Karl's movements._ + +_Bruges was probably a hot-bed of U-boat gossip, and, not unlike the +conditions at certain other Naval ports during the war, the ladies were +often too well informed. At any rate it appears that Zoe rushed to see +Karl directly he arrived at Bruges, and found him a mental and physical +wreck, suffering from acute insomnia._ + +_With the impetuous vigour which evidently guided most of her actions, +she took complete charge of Karl, and, as he was due for four days' +leave, she whisked him off to the forest._ + +_Karl may have protested, but was probably in no state to wish to do so. +At her shooting-box in the forest Zoe achieved her desire, and the +stubborn struggle between the lovers ended in victory for the woman. +There is an entry in Karl's diary which may refer to this period; he +simply says, "Slept at last! Oh, what a joy!"_ + +_If this entry was written in the forest, it seemed as if Karl had been +unable to sleep until Zoe carried him off to the forest peace of her +shooting-box and surrounded him with the atmosphere of her tender +sympathy._ + +_There is no evidence of the light in which Karl viewed his defeat, +when, having regained his strength, he was able to take stock of the +changed situation. It is reasonable to suppose that his silence upon +this matter in the pages of his diary is evidence that he was ashamed +of what he must have considered a great act of weakness on his part._ + +_At all events he realized that he had crossed the Rubicon and that he +had better acquiesce in the_ fait accompli. + +_He seems to have been in harbour for about six weeks, during which he +lived with Zoe, and the lovers enjoyed a brief spell of happiness +before Karl set out on his next trip._ + +_Karl seems to have found those six weeks very pleasant ones, though his +diary merely contains brief references, such as: "A. day in the country +with Z."; "Z. and I went to the Cavalry dance," and other trivial +entries--of his thoughts there is not a word._ + +_About the end of 1917 Karl's boat was repaired, and he left for the +Atlantic; and once more resumed full entries in his diary._ + +ETIENNE. + + + + +_Karl's Diary resumed_. + +Sailed at 9 p.m. last night, and we are now seventeen miles off Beachy +Head. The Straits of Dover were frightful; the glare of the acetylene +flares on the barrage showed for miles. Seen from a distance it gave me +the impression of the gates of hell, through which we had to pass. + +I dived, ten miles away, and went through with the tide at a depth of +forty metres. + +Two hours and three quarters of suspense, and at dawn we came up, +having passed safely through the great deathtrap. At the moment there +is nothing in sight, except a little smoke on the horizon. I am going +to dive again till dusk. + +2 _a.m._ + +We are thrashing down the Channel with a south-westerly wind right +ahead. My instructions are to work for two days between the Lizard and +Kinsale Head, and then proceed far out in the Atlantic, where the +convoys are supposed to meet the destroyers. + +That Fair Island Channel experience was enough for a lifetime. Death, +quick, short and sudden, this I am ready for. But torture, slow, long +and drawn-out, is not in the bargain which in this year of grace every +civilized man and half the savages of the world seem to have had to +make with the god Mars. + +As I sit in this steel, cigar-shaped mass of machinery, the question +rings incessantly in my ears: "To what object is all this war directed, +when analysed from the point of view of the individual?" + +It does not satisfy any longing of mine. I have not got a lust for +battle: no one who fights has a lust for battle. Editors of newspapers +and people on General Staffs, possibly also Cabinet Ministers, have +lusts for battles, as long as they arrange the battle and talk about +it afterwards--curse them! + +The only thing I want is to be with Zoe. I want to live and spend long +years with her, enjoying life--this life of which I have spent half +already, and now perhaps it will be taken from me by some other man: +some Englishman who doesn't really want to take my life, reckoned as an +individual. + +Around me in the darkness are the patrol boats, manned by the +Englishmen who are seeking my life. Seeking it, not to gratify their +private emotions, but because we are all in the whirlpool of War and +cannot escape. + +Like an avalanche, it seems to gather strength and speed as it rolls +on, this War of Nations. The world must be mad! I cannot see how it can +ever stop. England will never be defeated at sea. We shall conquer on +land--then what? + +An inconclusive peace. + +Even if we smash this island Empire and gain the dominion of the world, +how will it advantage me? I can see no way in which I can gain. + +It would be said, if any one should read this: _Gott_! what a selfish +point of view--he thinks only of his personal gain, not of his country. + +But, confound it all, I reply, answer me this: + +Do I exist for my country, or does my country exist for me? + +For example, does man live for the sake of the Church, or was the +Church created for man? + +Does not my country exist for my benefit? + +Surely it is so. + +Then again, I am risking my all, my life; I live in danger, +apprehension and great discomfort; I do all these things, and yet if as +a reasonable man I ponder what advantage I am to gain from all these +sacrifices I am adjudged selfish. + +It is all madness; I cannot fathom the meaning of these things. + + * * * * * + +In position on the Bristol line of approach, the weather is bad. + + + + +_At twenty metres._ + + +Once again Death has stretched forth his bony fingers to catch me by +the throat, and only by a chance have I wriggled free. + +Yesterday afternoon at 5 p.m. we sighted a small steamer flying Spanish +colours and steering for Cardiff. The weather was choppy, but not too +bad, and I decided to exercise the gun's crew, though I did not think +there would be much doing, as the Spaniards soon give in. + +I opened fire at six thousand metres, and pitched a shell ahead of her +and ran up the signal to heave-to. The wretched little craft paid no +attention, and continued on her lumbering course. I suspected the +presence of an Englishman on her bridge, and determined to hit. + +This we did with our sixth shot, and she stopped dead and wallowed in +the trough, with clouds of steam pouring out of her engine-room; we had +evidently got the engine-room. + +As we closed her, it was evident that a tremendous panic was taking +place on board. The port sea boat was being launched, but one fall +broke and the occupants fell into the water. My Navigator begged me to +give her another, which I did, and hit her right aft. Two boatloads of +gesticulating individuals now appeared from the shelter of her lee side +and began pulling wildly away from the ship. + +The Navigator, whose eyes were dancing with excitement, was very keen +to play with them by spraying the water with machine-gun bullets; but +it seemed to me to be waste of ammunition, and I would not permit it. + +Meanwhile we had approached to within about four hundred metres of her +port bow. I was debating whether to accelerate her sinking, when I +noticed that a fire had broken out aft, and I became possessed with a +childish curiosity to see the fire being put out as she sank. It was a +kind of contest between the elements. + +As I watched her, I was startled to hear three or four reports from the +region of the fire. + +"Ammunition!" shouted the pilot, with wide-opened eyes. + +In an instant I pressed the diving alarm as I realized our deadly +peril. Fool that I had been, she was a decoy-ship. They must have +realized on board that I had seen through their disguise, for as we +began to move forward, under the motors, a trap-door near her bows fell +down, the white ensign was broken at the fore, and a 4-inch gun opened +fire from the embrasure that was revealed on her side. + +We were fortunate in that our conning tower was already right ahead of +the enemy, and as I dropped down into the conning tower, I saw that as +she could not turn we were safe. + +A few shells plunged harmlessly into the water near our stern, and then +we were under. + +We came up to a periscope depth, and I surveyed her from a position off +her stern. She was sinking fast, but I felt so furious at being nearly +trapped that I could not resist giving her a torpedo; detonation was +complete, and a mass of wreckage shot into the air as the hull of the +ship disappeared. As to the two boats, I left them to make the best +course to land that they could. + +As they were fifty miles off the shore when I left them and it blew +force six a few hours afterwards, I rather think they have joined the +list of "Missing." We are now steering due west to our second position. + + * * * * * + +Received orders last night to return to base forthwith on the north +about route. [1] + +[Footnote 1: This means into the North Sea round Scotland.--] + +I have shaped course to pass fifty miles north of Muckle Flugga; no +more Fair Island Channel for me. + + * * * * * + +Statlandlet in sight, with the Norwegian coast looking very lovely +under the snow--we never saw a ship from north of the Shetlands to this +place, when we saw a light cruiser of the town class steaming +south-west at high speed. + +She had probably been on patrol off this place, where the Inner and +Outer Leads join up and ships have to leave the three-mile limit. + +She was well away from me, and an attack would have been useless. I did +not shed any tears; I have lost much of the fire-eating ideas which +filled my mind when I first joined this service. + + * * * * * + +We are due off the mole at 8 p.m. tonight, and my heart leaps with joy +at the thought of seeing my Zoe; already I can almost imagine her +lovely arms round my neck, her face raised to mine, and all the other +wonderful things that make her so glorious in my eyes. + + + + +_NOTE BY ETIENNE_ + + +Before quoting the next entry in Karl's journal it is necessary to +explain the situation which confronted him when he arrived in +Zeebrugge. In his absence, his beloved Zoe had been arrested as an +Allied Agent, and she was tried for espionage within a day or two of +his arrival. There is no record of how he heard the news, and the blow +he sustained was probably so terrible that whilst there was yet hope he +felt no desire to write; but, as will be seen, there came a time when +he turned to his journal as the last friend that remained to him. It is +a curious fact that, with the exception of an entry at the beginning of +this journal, Karl makes little mention of his mother and home at +Frankfurt. Though he does not say so, it seems possible that his mother +had heard of his entanglement with Zoe, and a barrier had risen between +them; this suggestion gains strength from the fact that in his blackest +moments of despair he never seems to consider the question of turning +to Frankfurt for sympathy. Interest is naturally aroused as to the +details of Zoe's trial. The available material consists solely of the +long letter she wrote to him from Bruges jail. It may be that one day +the German archives of the period of occupation will reveal further +details. Information on the subject is possibly at the disposal of the +British Intelligence Service, but this would be kept secret. All we +know on the matter is derived from the letter, which has been preserved +inside the second volume of Karl's diary. + +There seems no doubt that she was caught red-handed, but to say more +would be to anticipate her own words. + +It was a matter of some difficulty to know where best to introduce +Zoe's letter, but with a view to securing as much continuity of thought +in the story as possible it has been decided to quote it at this +juncture, although he did not receive it until after he had made the +entry in the journal which will be quoted directly after the letter. + +I would like to appeal to any reader who may happen to be engaged in +administrative or reconstructive work in Belgium, to communicate with +me, care of Messrs. Hutchinson, should he handle any papers dealing +with Zoe's trial. + +_ETIENNE_. + + + + +ZOE'S LETTER + + +MY BEST BELOVED, + +When you get this letter cease to sorrow for what will have happened, +for I shall be at rest, and in peace at last, freed from a world in +which I have known bitter sorrow and, until you came into my life, but +little joy. + +For these past months I am grateful to God, if such a being exists and +regulates the conduct of a world gone mad. + +For in a few hours I am to die. + +It is harder for you than for me; one moment of agony I suffered, a +moment that seemed to last a century, when, amidst the sea of faces +that swam in a confused mass before me at the trial, I saw your eyes +and the torture that you were suffering. When I saw your eyes I knew +that the President had said I must die. I am glad that I was told this +by you, the only one amongst all these men who loved me. I suppose the +President spoke; I never heard him, but I saw your eyes and I knew. + +My darling, it was cruel of you to come, cruel to me and cruel to +yourself, but I loved you for being there; it showed me that up till +the last you would stand by me, and until you read this you cannot know +all the facts. That to you, as to the others, I must have seemed a +woman spy and that nevertheless you stood by me, is to me a +recollection of unsurpassable sweetness, compared with which all other +thoughts of you fade into insignificance. + +Know now, oh, well beloved, that I was not unworthy of your love. + +I have a story to tell you, and I have such a little time left that I +must write quickly. The priest who has been with me comes again an hour +before the dawn, and he has promised to deliver these my last words of +love into your hands. + +My real name is Zoe Xenia Olga Sbeiliez, and I was born twenty-nine +years ago at my father's country house at Inkovano, near Koniesfol. I +am Polish; at least, my father was, and my mother comes from the Don +country. There was a day when my father's ancestors were Princes in +Poland. Poor Poland was torn by the vultures of Europe, just as your +countrymen, my Karl, are tearing poor Belgium and France, and so my +family lost estates year by year, and my grandfather is buried +somewhere in the dreary steppes of Siberia because he dared to be a +Polish patriot. + +My father bowed before the storm, and under my mother's influence he +never became mixed up with politics. Thus he lived on his estates at +Inkovano, and nursed them for my younger brother, Alexandrovitch, the +child of his old age. Alex would be nineteen now, had he lived. The +estates were large as these things go in Western Europe, but they were +but a garden as compared with the lands held by my great-grandfather, +Boris Sbeiliez. + +My father had a dream, and he dreamed this dream from the day Alex was +born to the day they both died in each other's arms. + +My father dreamt that one day the Tsars would soften their heart to +Poland, and raise her up from the dust to a place amongst the nations, +and my father dreamt that Alexandrovitch Sbeiliez would become a leader +of Poland, as his ancestors had been before him. And so my father +nursed his estates and pinched and saved, in preparation for the day +when his beautiful dream should come true. + +[Illustration: "A trapdoor near her bows fell down, the White Ensign +was broken at the fore, and a 4-inch gun opened fire from the embrasure +that was revealed on her side."] + +[ILLUSTRATION: "I sighted two convoys, but there were destroyers +there...."] + +My poor idealistic father never realized, oh, my Karl, that when one +wants a thing one must fight--to the death. Alex was the apple of his +eye, but I was much loved by my mother; perhaps she dreamed a dream +about me--I know not, but she determined that I should have all that +was necessary. Paris, Berlin, Munich, Dresden, and a season in London, +then I came home at twenty-one, perfectly educated according to the +world, beautiful according to men, and dressed according to Paris. But +I was only to find out how little I knew. My mother and I used to take +a house in Warsaw for the season, and I met many notable men and women. +In these days I, also, thought I could do something for Poland, but +after two or three seasons I found that I, too, was only dreaming idle +dreams. Oh! my beloved, beware of dreaming idle dreams. + +Listen! I once met the Prime Minister of all Russia at a reception. I +captivated him, and thought, now! now! I shall do something. + +I sat next to him at dinner; I talked of Poland--and I knew my +subject--I talked brilliantly; he listened, he hung on my words, and +he, the Prime Minister of all Russia, the Tsar's right-hand man, asked +me to drive with him next day in his sledge. I, an almost unknown +Polish girl! + +When I accepted, I was in the seventh heaven of delight. + +Next day he called and we set forth; at a deserted spot in the woods +near Warsaw he tried to kiss me--I struck him in the face with the butt +of his own whip. + +That was why he had hung on my words, that was why he had taken me for +my drive; it was my Polish body that interested _him_--not Poland. + +The Prime Minister of Russia was confined to his room for two days, +"owing to an indisposition." How I laughed when I saw the bulletin in +the paper, signed by two doctors, but it taught me a lesson; I never +dreamt idle dreams again. + +No, I am wrong, my beloved. I dreamt an idle dream, a lovely dream +about you and I. An after-the-war dream, if this war should ever end, +but like other dreams it has ended--in dreams. + +But I must hurry, for my little watch tells me that one hour of my five +has gone, and I have much to say. + +I could have married, and married brilliantly, but Poland held me back. +I did not know what I could do for my country, it all seemed so +hopeless, and yet I felt that perhaps one day ... and I felt I ought to +be single when that day came. + +It was not easy, my Karl, sometimes it was hard; one man there was, +Sergius was his Christian name; he loved me madly, and sometimes I +thought--but no matter, he is dead now, killed at Tannenberg, and +I--well, I will tell you more of my story. + +When the war broke out and clouded over that last beautiful summer in +1914 (I wonder will there ever be another like it in your lifetime, my +Karl? No, I don't think it can ever be quite the same after all this!), +we were all in the country. Alex was back from his school in Petrograd, +and my father kept him at home for the autumn term. + +How well I remember the excitement, the mobilization, the blessing of +the colours, the wave of patriotism which swept over the country; even +I, under the influence of the specious proclamations that were issued +broadcast by the Government, with their promises of reform, and redress +for Poland after the war was over, felt more Russian than Polish. Lies! +Lies! Lies! that was what the Government promises were, my Karl. + +Under the stress of war the rottenness of that great whited sepulchre, +Russia, feared the revival of the Polish spirit; it might have been +awkward, and so they lied with their tongues in their cheeks, and we +simple Poles believed them; the peasantry flocked to their depots, +little knowing whom they fought, but the proclamations which were read +to them told them they fought for Poland, and we women worked and +prayed for the success of Russian arms. + +Then the tide of war swept westward, and all day long and every day the +troops, and the guns and the motor-cars and the wagons rolled through +the village to the west. + +Guarded hints in the papers seemed to say that all was not well in +France, but France was so far away, and all the time the Russians were +going west through our village. Mighty Russia was putting forth her +strength, and the Austrian debacle was in full swing; these were great +days, my Karl, for a Russian! + +Then one day the long columns of men and all the traffic seemed to +hesitate in the sluggish westward flow, and then it stopped, and then +it began to go east. The weeks went on, and one day, very, very +faintly, there was a rumbling like a distant thunderstorm. It was the +guns! The front was coming back. + +Have you ever seen forest fires, my Karl? We had them every autumn in +our woods. If you have, then you know how all the small animals and the +birds, the rabbits and the foxes, and perhaps a wolf or two, and the +deer, and the thrushes and the linnets come out from the shelter of the +trees, fleeing blindly from the great peril, anxious only to save their +lives. So it was when the front came back. Herds of moujiks, the old +men, the women, the children, the poor little babies, struggled blindly +eastwards through the village. + +Pushing their miserable household gods on handcarts, or staggering +along with loads on their backs, and weary children dragging at their +arms, the human tide flowed eastwards, round our house, begged perhaps +a drink of water, and then wandered feverishly onwards. + +They knew not in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred where they were +going; their only destination was summed up in the words, "Away from +the Front"--away from the ominous rumbling which began to get louder, +away from that western horizon which was beginning to have a lurid glow +at nights, like a sunset prolonged to dawn. + +Then, as the Germans advanced more and more, the character of the tide +changed, the civilian element was outnumbered by the military. +Companies, battalions, brigades, sometimes in good order, sometimes in +no order, marched through the village. They would often halt for a +short time, and the officers would come up to the house, where my +mother and I gave them what we could. My father lived amongst his books +and accounts, and bemoaned the extravagance of the war. Then there were +the deserters, the stragglers, the walking wounded, the--but you know, +my Karl, what an army in retreat means. + +I must proceed with my story, for time moves relentlessly on. + +One day a desperately wounded officer, a young Lieutenant of the Guard, +a boy of twenty-five, was taken out of a motor ambulance to die. + +The ambulance had stopped opposite our gates, and lying on his +stretcher he had seen our garden, my garden. He knew he was to die, and +he had begged with tears in his eyes to the doctor that he might be +left in the garden. + +Who could refuse him? + +He died within two hours, amongst our flowers, with Alex and I at his +side. + +Before he died, he begged us, implored us, almost ordered us, to move +east before it was too late. + +We repeated his arguments to my father, but the latter was obdurate, +and he swore that a regiment of angels would not move him from his +ancestral home. So we made up our minds to stay. + +Things got worse and worse, and one day shells fell in the grounds and +we hid in the cellars. That night all our servants ran away, and my +father cursed them for cowards. Next day in the early morning we heard +machine guns fire outside the village, and then all was still. + +At six o'clock Alex, white-faced, came running into the house. He had +been down to the gates and he had seen the enemy. They were drunk, he +said, and going down the street firing the houses and shooting the +people as they came out. + +It seemed impossible and yet it was true. It was growing dark, when we +heard shouts and saw lights, and from the top of the house I saw a +crowd of singing and shouting soldiers, with pine torches, half +running, half walking up the drive. + +They massed in a body opposite the house. Paralysed with terror, I +looked down on the scene, and shuddered to see that every second man +seemed to have a bottle. One of them fired a shot at the house, and +next I remember a flood of light on the drive, and, in the circle of +light, my father standing with hand raised. What my father intended can +never be known, for, as he paused and faced the mob, a solitary shot +rang out, and he fell in a huddled heap. + +As he fell, a boyish voice from the door shouted "Murderers!" It was +Alex. With his little pistol I had given him for a birthday present in +his hand, he ran forward and, standing over my father's body, head +thrown back, he pointed his pistol at the mob and fired twice. A man +dropped, there was a flash of steel, the crowd surged forward, +and--and, oh! my Karl, they had murdered my beloved brother, my darling +Alex. + +The next moment they were in the house. I escaped from my window on to +the roof of the dairy, and from there down a water-pipe, across the +yard to an old hay-loft. For a long time they ran in and out of the +house, like ants, looting and pillaging; then there was a great shout, +and for some time not a soul came out of the house. I guessed they had +got into the cellars. At about midnight I saw that the house was on +fire. In a few minutes it was an inferno and the drunken soldiers came +pouring out, firing their rifles in all directions. + +I had found a piece of rope in the loft. One end I placed on a hook and +the other round my neck. I was close to the upper doors of the loft, +with a drop to the courtyard, and thus I stayed, for I feared that some +soldier, more sober than the rest, might explore the outhouses and find +me. I was watching this unearthly spectacle, and never, my best +beloved, did I conceive that man could become lower than the beasts, +but before my eyes it was so, when I noticed that the great gates at +the southern end of the courtyard were opening. As they opened I saw +that beyond them were drawn up a line of men. An officer gave an order, +and two machine guns were placed in position in the gate entrance; +round the guns lay their crews, and the seething mass of revellers saw +nothing. I felt that a fearful tragedy was impending, and as I held my +breath with anxiety the officer gave a short, sharp movement with his +hand and a hideous rattle rose above all noises. The pandemonium that +ensued was indescribable. Some ran helplessly into the burning house, +others ran round and round in circles, others tried to get into the +dairy; one man got upon its roof and fell back dead as soon as his head +appeared above the outer wall. The place was surrounded. It was +horrible. A few tried to rush for the gate, they melted away like snow +before the sun, as their bodies met the pitiless stream of bullets. I +suppose two hundred men were killed in as many seconds. The machine +guns ceased fire. Ambulance parties came into the yard, collected the +dead and living, and within half an hour there was not a soul save +myself in the place. Discipline had received its oblation of men's +lives. + +As an example, it was one of the most wonderful things I have ever +known in your wonderful army, my Karl, but it was terrible--terribly +cruel. + +I never knew what became of my mother, though I feel she is +dead--murdered, perhaps, like my father and my darling Alex, or perhaps +she hid somewhere in the house and remained petrified with terror till +the flames came. Next morning I left my hiding-place and walked about. +Not a German was to be seen, but in the wood was a huge newly-made +grave. It was all open warfare then, and this flying column, which was +miles in advance of the main body, had moved on. The house was a +smoking mass of ruins, but the farm buildings had been spared, and I +let out all the poor animals and turned them into the woods, so that +they might have their chance. + +All day I searched for my father and brother, but not a sign was to be +seen, and at dusk I stood alone, faint and broken, amongst the ruins of +my ancestors' home. As I looked at this scene of desolation and I +contrasted what had been my life twenty-four hours before and what it +was then, something seemed to snap in my brain, and for the first time +I cried. Oh! the blessed relief of those tears, my Karl, for I was a +poor weak, helpless girl, and alone with death and bitterness all round +me. Late that night I hid once more in my hay-loft and next morning I +left Inkovano for ever. Before I left, I made a vow. It is because of +this vow, my beloved, that I am to die. For I vowed by the body of our +Saviour and the murdered bodies of my family that, whilst life was in +me and the war was maintained, for so long would I work unceasingly for +the Allies against Germany. As the war ran its fiery course, I have +seen more and more that the Allies are the only ones who will do +anything for Poland, my beloved country, so have I been strengthened in +my vow. + +I struck south on my feet, as a poor girl--I, the daughter of a +princely family of Poland! No hardships were too great for me, provided +I could reach Allied territory. I travelled from village to village as +a singing girl, and once I was driven away with stones by villagers set +upon me by a fanatical priest. I came by Cracow, and across the +Carpathians, helped to pass the lines by a Hungarian Lieutenant--but I +tricked him of his reward; I was not ready for that sacrifice. Then +across the Hungarian plains to Buda-Pesth, where I remained three weeks, +singing in a third-rate café, to make some money for my next stage. But +I had to leave too soon--the old story!--this time it was the +proprietor's son. What beasts men are, my Karl! And yet to me you are +above all other men, a prince amongst your fellows, and never did I +love you so distractedly as that first night at the shooting-box, when +I read the scorn in your eyes as you rejected me. I have no shame in +telling you this. Am I not already in the grave? And then I must be +silent and can only await your coming. After many struggles, wearisome +to relate, I came to Hermanstadt, and there, whilst pushing my trade as +a dancer, came into touch with a Hungarian band of smugglers, working +across the mountain passes between Eastern Hungary and Roumania. I did +certain work for these men, and in return crossed with them one bitter +night in a thunderstorm into Roumania. At Bukharest I got a good +engagement, and when I had saved a thousand marks, I bought a passport +for five hundred, and came to Serbia, then staggering beneath the great +Austrian offensive. + +Once again I was in the horrors of a retreat, but I escaped, reaching +Valona, and crossed to Brindisi, by the aid of a French officer to whom +I told my story and who believed me. His name is Pierre Lemansour, and +he lives at Bordeaux. + +If fortune places him in your power, be kind to him, my Karl, for your +Zoe's sake. + +I came to Rome; and thence to Paris. I stayed here three weeks, singing +in a cabaret. Whilst here I tried to advance my plans in vain! What +could I, a poor girl, do for the Allies? The Embassy laughed at me, all +except one young attaché who tried to make love to me. + +Then I thought of England--England, and her cold, hard islanders, +phlegmatic in movements, slow to hate, slow to move, but once +roused--ah! they never let go, these islanders! + +One of their poets has said: "The mills of God grind slowly, but they +grind exceeding small." + +That, my Karl, is like England. + +They are your most terrible enemies, and you know it. + +Do not be angry with me when you read this. + +For me it is Poland, for you Germany. + +Where I am going in a few hours there is no Poland, no Germany, no +England, no war. And perhaps, perhaps, no love. + +You and I, Karl, have loved, too well, perchance, but our love was +above even the love of countries. + +God made the love of men and women, then men and women created their +countries. + +I see the future before me, Karl, and I foresee that the struggle will +be at the end of all things, between England and Germany. One will be +in the dust. + +Thus, I crossed to England and was swallowed up in the great city of +London. England has always had a corner of her calculating heart for +the small nations, and in London there is a Polish organization. I +applied there, and one day I was taken to the Foreign Office, and found +myself alone with a great Englishman. His name was--No, I promised, and +it will not matter to you, for though he gave me my chance, I have no +love for him, and he will never be in your power. Even as I write these +words, he has probably taken a list from a locked safe and neatly ruled +a red line through the name Zoe Sbeiliez. I tell you they know +everything, these Englishmen. I told him my story, and then he asked me +whether I was prepared to do all things for the Allies. I told him I +was. He then said that I could go as agent for a back area in Belgium, +and my centre would be Bruges. I agreed, and asked him innocently +enough how I was to live in Bruges. He looked up from his desk and +said: + +"You will be given facilities to cross the Belgium-Holland frontier, as +a German singer." + +"And then?" I asked. + +"You will go to Bruges and make friends with an Army officer; he must +be high up on the staff." + +I guessed what he meant, but hoped against hope, and I said: "How?" + +I can still see his fish-like face, hair brushed back with scrupulous +care, as without a shadow of emotion he looked up, puffed his pipe, and +said in matter-of-fact tones: + +"You have a pretty face and an excellent figure. Need I say more?" + +I could have struck him in the face. I was speechless, my mind a whirl +of conflicting emotions. I was roused by the level tones again. + +"Is it too much--for Poland?" + +Oh! the cunning of the man; he knew my weakness. Mechanically, I +agreed. Certain details were settled, and he pressed a bell. Within +five minutes I was walking back to my lodgings. + +Thanks to a marvellous organization, which your police will never +discover, my Karl, within _three weeks_ I was singing on the Bruges +music-hall stage, and accepted without question as being what I was +not, a German artist from Dantzig. The men were soon round me, but I +had no use for youngsters with money. I wanted a man with information. +At last I found my man--the Colonel. He was on the Headquarters staff +of the XIth Army, the army of occupation in Belgium, when I first met +him. Subsequently he went back to regimental work; but by the time he +was killed (and to realize what a release that meant for me, you would +have had to have lived with him) I had established regular sources of +information concerning which I will say no more. Let your country's +agents find them if they can. This must I say for the Colonel: he was a +brute and a drunkard, but in his own gross way he loved me, and he +licked my boots at my desire, but I had to pay the price. You are a +man, and with all your loving sympathy you can but dimly realize what +this costs a woman. To me it was a dual sacrifice of honour and life, +but it was for Poland, and the memories of my parents and Alex steeled +me and strengthened my resolution, and so, and so, my Karl, I paid the +price. + +My special work was on the military side, and consisted in making +quarterly reports on the general dispositions of large bodies of +troops, the massing of corps for spring offensives, and big pushes and +hammer blows. + +Then you came into my life! When the Colonel used to go away it was my +habit to mix in the demi-mondaine society of Bruges, to try and live a +few hours in which I could forget--oh! don't think the worst! _That_ +sort of thing had no attraction for me. I didn't seek oblivion in that +direction! I had never even kissed anyone in Bruges until I kissed you +that first night we met at dinner--I was attracted to you from the very +first; the Colonel was due back in a few days, and I suddenly felt mad, +and kissed you. I suppose you put me down as one of the usual kind, out +to sell myself at a price varying between a good dinner and the rent of +a flat! You will now know that I had already mortgaged my body to +Poland. + +Then a few days later you will remember we went down for that wonderful +day in the forest, and for the first time, Karl, I began to see that I +was really caring for you, and a faint realization of the dangers and +impossibilities towards which we were drifting crossed my mind. + +Do you remember how silent I was on the drive back? In a fashion, my +Karl, I could foresee dimly a little of what was going to happen. I had +a presentiment that the end would be disaster, but I thrust the idea +away from me. Then came the day, just before one of your trips--oh! the +agony, my darling, of those days, each an age in length, when you were +at sea--when you told me at the flat that you loved me. + +How I longed to throw my arms round your neck and abandon myself to +your embraces, but I was still strong enough in those days to hold back +for both our sakes. + +Each time we were together I loved you more and more, and each time +when you had gone I seemed to see with clearer vision the fatal and +inevitable ending. + +But I refused to give up the first real happiness that had been mine in +my short and stormy life, and so I clung desperately to my idle dream. + +I prayed, I prayed for hours, Karl, that the war might end, for I felt +that in this lay our only hope--but what are one woman's prayers, a +sinful woman's prayers, to the Creator of all things, and the war +ground on in its endless agony just as it does to-night--Karl! Karl! +will this torture ever end? + +But I must hurry, there is still much to tell you, and Time goes on +relentlessly just like the war; it is only life that ends. Then came +the days I took you to the shooting-box for the first time, and that +night I broke down and, unashamed, offered you myself. Think not too +badly of your Zoe, my Karl; when a woman loves as I do, what is +convention? A nothing, a straw on the waters of life. I wanted you for +my own, passionately and desperately, for I feared that any moment the +end might come, and to die without having felt your arms around me +would have added a thousand tortures to death. Though I could have +welcomed death with joy when I saw the look of sorrowful contempt which +you cast upon me that night. Heavens above! but you were strong, my +Karl. I am not ugly, and yet you resisted, and I hated and loved you at +the same time--oh! I know that sounds impossible, but it isn't for a +woman. I slept little that night and, feeling that I could not look you +in the face in the morning, I left for Bruges before you got up. + +I felt that I could trust you not to try and find out the secret of the +shooting-box. + +What a relief it is to be able to tell you everything frankly, and how +I hated the perpetual game of deception which I had to play. + +I used to rack my brains for answers to your perpetual question, "Why +won't you marry me?" It was a desperate risk taking you down to the +forest, but you loved me so much that you never questioned the reasons +I gave you for my secrecy. I can tell you now, Karl, that in the early +days when I used to disappear from Bruges, it was to the shooting-box +that I went. + +But I will write more of that later. + +Did you suffer the same agony as I did before you left for Kiel, and +your pride would not allow you to come to me? You understand now, my +darling, why I could never marry you, and when the Colonel was killed +it became harder than ever. Once during that terrible interview before +you went up the Russian coast, I nearly gave way and promised to marry +you. But how could I? I had sworn my vow, and even to-night, though I +stand in the shadow of death, I do not regret my vow. + +It is inconceivable that I could have married you and carried on my +work--a spy on my husband's country--and if I ever thought of trying to +do this impossible thing, a vision which has partially come true always +restrained me. + +I saw a submarine officer disgraced and perhaps sentenced to death, +because his wife had been convicted as a spy! + +No! it was impossible. + +But if I could not marry you, I still wanted your love. + +Then you went up the Russian coast, and I heard of your return in a +submarine terribly wrecked. I guessed what you must have gone through, +and determined to see you, but when I entered your room and saw you +lying open-eyed on your bed, with no one but a clumsy soldier to nurse +you, I could have wept. You know the rest; you can perhaps hardly +remember how I led you to my car and took you down to the forest. Oh, +Karl, are you angry with me for what happened? Do you sometimes think +that I took an unfair advantage of your weakness? Please! Please +forgive me, you were so helpless, and I loved you so. + +Then came those unforgettable weeks whilst your boat was being +repaired, weeks which opened to me the door of the paradise I was never +to enter. Oh! Karl, I pray that all those memories may remain sweet and +unclouded all your life. Think of those days when you think of your +Zoe. Alas! they came to an end too soon, and you left for the Atlantic. +When you came back all was over; I had been caught at last. + +The evidence at the trial was clear enough. I have no complaints. I was +fairly caught. You remember the big open space in front of the +shooting-box? I do not mind saying now that five times have I been +taken up from there in an English aeroplane, and landed there again +after two days. Each time I took over a full report on military +affairs. Not a word of naval news, my Karl; you will remember I never +tried to find out U-boat information. I even warned you to be cautious. +Well, they caught me as I landed; the English boy who had flown me back +tried hard to save me, but it only cost him his own life. + +My first thought was of you, and there is not a jot of evidence against +you, save only your friendship for me. Remember this fact, if they +persecute you. Admit nothing, believe nothing they tell you, deny +everything; they have no evidence; but they are certain to try and trap +you. + +It was noble of you, Karl, to engage Monsieur Labordin in my defence, +but it was useless and may do you harm. + +I also know of your efforts with the Governor. I hoped nothing from +him, but what you did has made me ready to die; I tremble lest you are +compromised. + +If only I could feel absolutely certain that I have not dragged you +down in my ruin I should face the rifles with a smile. + +For my sake be careful, Karl. + +When it is all over, cause a few little flowers to cover my +resting-place, if this is permitted for a spy. Order them, do not place +them yourself; you _must not_ be compromised. + +I have told my story, and the end is very near. What else is there to +say? + +Mere words are empty husks when I try to express my thoughts of you. + +Do not sorrow for your Zoe, to whom you have given such happiness. + +I am not afraid to die and cross into the unknown, which, however +terrible it is, cannot be much worse than this awful war. + +Karl! Karl! how I long to kiss you and feel your strong arms crushing +the breath from this body of mine which has caused so much sorrow. + +Oh, Mother Mary, support me in this hour of trial. + +I cannot leave you! + +May the Saints guard you and keep you through all the perils of war, +and grant that we meet again in the perfect peace of eternity. + +For ever, Your devoted and adoring ZOE. + + + + +_Karl's Diary resumed._ + + +She is dead! + +They have killed her, my Zoe, my adorable darling, and I am still +alive--under close arrest. Perhaps they will shoot me too, in their +insatiable thirst for blood. Oh! if they would! Perhaps, my Zoe, if I +could only die and leave this useless world behind, I might find you in +the mysterious regions where your spirit now dwells. + +Oh! is it well with you, Zoe? Give me a sign--a little sign--that all +is well. I have knelt in prayer and asked for a sign, but nothing +comes--all is a blank, forbidding and mysterious. Is God angry with us, +my Zoe, that we sinned before Him? Surely, surely He understands. He +must have mercy on me if He is going to make me go on living. If this +is my punishment, I can bear it; I will live without you happily if +only I may know that all is well with you. + + * * * * * + +Your letter, Zoe! Can you read these words as I write; can you sense my +thoughts? Speak! Ah! I thought I heard your voice, and it was only the +laughter of a woman in the street. Your letter has filled me with joy +and sorrow. I read and re-read the wonderful words in which you say you +loved me from the beginning, but when you plead that I shall not turn +in loathing from your memory--with these words you smash me to the +ground. + +Most glorious woman, I never loved you so well and so passionately as +the day you stood at the trial, ringed round with the wolves, the +clever lawyers, the stolid witnesses, the ponderous books, the cynical +air of religious solemnity with which the machinery of the law thinly +cloaks its lust for blood--for a life. + +Even when my ears heard the sentence, I could not believe it would be +carried out. The firing party, the chair, the bandage. Oh, God! spare +me these awful thoughts. To think of your breasts lacerated by +the----Oh! this is unendurable! Stop, madman that I am! + + * * * * * + +I am calmer now; I have read your letter again and rescued the journal +from the grate into which I flung it. + +The fire was out; I am not sorry; my journal is all I have left, and in +its pages are enshrined small, feeble word-pictures of paradise on +earth. To read them is to catch an echo of the music we both loved so +well. Music! you were all music to me, my Zoe. Your voice, your +movements, your caresses all seemed to me to speak of music. + +I ask myself, I shall always ask myself until the last hour, whether +all that could be done to save you was done. I tried to telegraph to +the Kaiser for you, Zoe, but the wire never got further than Bruges +post office; they stopped it, and put me under arrest. It was only open +arrest, my darling, and on that last awful night I forced them to let +me see the Governor. I, Karl Von Schenk, knelt at his feet and begged +for your life. He simply said, "You are mad." I left the Palace under +close arrest. + +Was ever woman's nobleness of character so exemplified as in your life? +Be comforted, Zoe, that in all my black sorrow I cling desperately to +my pride in your strength. I long to shout abroad what you did and why +you would never marry me, to tell all the gaping world that when you +died a martyr to duty was killed. I am so unworthy of what you did for +me, my darling, and it tortures me with mental rendings to think that +whilst I prided myself in my strength of mind, I was dragging you +through the fires of hell. When I think of those six weeks we had +together, my brain says, "And they might have been months had you not +spurned her in the forest." + +Oh, Zoe! if the priests say truth and all things are now revealed to +you, forgive me for this act of mine. Come to me in spirit and give me +mental peace. + +[Illustration: "...when there was a blinding flash and the air +seemed filled with moaning fragments."] + +[Illustration: "When I put up my periscope at 9 a.m. the horizon seemed +to be ringed with patrols."] + +As I write like this, as if it was a letter that you might read, I am +comforted a little; I rely utterly on the hope, which I struggle to +change into belief, that you can read this and know my thoughts. + +For when I think that had things been otherwise you might have been +leaning over my chair at this moment, and running your cool fingers +through my stiff hair; when I think of this, my darling, the full +realization comes to me of the gulf which must divide us for some +uncertain period, and the lines of this page run mistily before my +eyes. + +Zoe, my Zoe, strange things have happened in this war; wives declare +they have seen their husbands, mothers have felt the presence of their +sons; if the powers permit, come to me once again, I implore you, and +give me strength to live my life alone. + + * * * * * + + +Examined before the Court of Inquiry to-day. Fools! can't they realize +that I don't care if they do shoot me? + +In the Mess, people avoid me. What do I care? Not one of them is worthy +to stand on the same soil that holds her beloved body. They have buried +her in the Castle grounds. In accordance with her wishes, I have +arranged for flowers. Perhaps one day when all this is over I may be +able to live here and tend the place where she sleeps, free at last +from all her cares. + + * * * * * + +At the Court of Inquiry they tried to cross-examine me on our life +together. Dolts! what do they aim at proving? That I loved you? I +hardly listened. When they finished the evidence, the President asked +me if I had anything to say! Anything to say! I felt like telling them +they were cogs in the most monstrous machine for manufacturing sorrow +and destruction that mankind had ever devised. I could have shaken my +fist in their solemn faces and shouted "Beasts! you murdered her! You +destroyed that most wonderful woman who lowered herself to love me." + +Actually there was a long silence, and then the Vice-President, Captain +Fruhlingsohn, said, "Speak; we wish you well." + +It was the first touch of sympathy, the only sign of humanity I had +received in all these awful days, and it touched my stubborn heart and +the longed-for tears flowed at last. + +I murmured: "Gentlemen, I am no traitor; but I loved her as my own +soul." + +"Dissolve the Court. Remove the prisoner." Like the clash of iron +gates, officialdom came into its own again. + + * * * * * + +So I am not to be shot! Not even imprisoned! "Don't fall in love with +enemy agents again!"--that summarized their verdict. + +Ha! Ha! Ha! It is all horribly funny. The real reason is that they need +me. I am a trained and skilful slaughterer on the seas; I am an +essential part of the great machine. And they haven't got any spares! I +was in the Mess yesterday when the English papers we get from Amsterdam +arrived. Oh! a pretty surprise awaited the first man who opened _The +Times_. These English had published the names of 150 U-boat commanders +they had caught. There they all were. Christian names and all complete. +The only thing missing was a blank space in which to fill in our names +when the time comes. + +Dinner was a silent meal last night, and next morning some rat of a +Belgian had posted the list on the gatepost of the Mess. The machine +has offered five hundred marks for his apprehension--how foolish; as if +by shooting him they would take any names off the long list. + + * * * * * + +I am to sail at dawn tomorrow. I shall not be sorry to get away for a +space from this place with its mingled memories of delight and death. + + * * * * * + +Back again, and I haven't written a word for three weeks. + +My billet last trip was off Finisterre. I sighted two convoys, but +there were destroyers there; they are so black and swift I don't go +near them. + +I don't want to die in a U-boat. It's not worth while. It is easy to +avoid these convoys. I dive and make a great fuss of attacking, then I +steer divergently. Nobody knows where the enemy is except me; I am the +only one who looks through the periscope--I take good care of that. And +then how I curse and swear when I announce that the convoy has altered +course, and there is no chance of getting in to attack. None of them +are so disappointed as I am! + +The mines get on my nerves, there is no way of dodging them, and Lord! +how they sprout on the Flanders coast. + +I am to go out in six days. It is very little rest. I believe they want +to kill me. But I won't die! Not I. + +I went to her grave yesterday for the first time. I had thought I +should weep, but I did not; in fact it left me quite unmoved. I feel +she's not really dead; she comes to me sometimes, always at night when +I am alone and when we are at sea. There's nothing very tangible, but I +catch an echo of her voice in the surge of the sea along the casing, or +the sound of the breeze as it plays along the aerial. And so I will not +die until she calls me, for up to the present her messages have told me +to live and endure. + + * * * * * + +A very awkward incident took place last night. We were off the Naze and +saw a steamer some distance away. + +We dived to attack. When we were about a mile away I had a look at her, +and something about her put me off. I half thought she was a decoy +ship, and I privately determined I would not attack. I steered a course +which brought me well on her quarter, and as soon as I saw that it was +impossible to get into position to fire I increased speed on the +engines and shook the whole boat in efforts which were ostensibly +directed to getting her into position. At length I eased speed and +bitterly exclaimed that my luck was out. + +The First Lieutenant suggested that we should give her gunfire, but I +pointed out that I had good reason to suspect her of being a wolf in +sheep's clothing, and as he had not seen her he could hardly question +my judgment. I was going forward, when I accidentally overheard the +Navigator and the Engineer talking in the wardroom. I listened. + +The Engineer said: "The Captain doesn't seem to have the luck he used +to command." + +"Or else he has lost skill!" replied Ebert. "We never fired a torpedo +at all last trip, and it looks as if we are following that precedent +this time." + +I had heard enough, and, without their realizing my presence, I +returned to the control room. I considered the situation, and came to +the conclusion that they suspected nothing, but it was evident that +their minds were running on lines of thought which might be dangerous. +I looked at my watch and saw that there was still two hours of daylight +left, and then decided to play a trick on them all. I relieved the +First Lieutenant at the periscope, and when a decent interval of about +half an hour had elapsed I saw a ship. This vessel of my imagination, a +veritable Flying Dutchman in fact, I proceeded to attack, and, after +about twenty minutes of frequent alterations of speed and course, I +electrified the boat by bringing the bow tubes to the ready. + +The usual delay was most artistically arranged, and then I fired. With +secret amusement I watched the two expensive weapons of war rushing +along, but destined to sink ingloriously in the ocean, instead of +burying themselves in the vitals of a ship. An oath from myself and an +order to take the boat to twenty metres. + +With gloomy countenance I curtly remarked: "The port torpedo broke +surface and then dived underneath her, the starboard one missed +astern." + +So far all had gone well, but ten minutes later I nearly made a fatal +error. We had been diving for several hours, the atmosphere was bad, +and as it was dusk I decided to come up, ventilate, and put a charge on +the batteries. I gave the necessary orders, and was on my way up the +conning tower to open the outer hatch. The coxswain had just announced +that the boat was on the surface, when a terrible thought paralysed me, +and I clung helplessly to the ladder trying to think out the situation. + +It had just occurred to me that as soon as the officers and crew came +on deck they would naturally look for the steamer we had recently fired +at; this ship in the time interval which had elapsed would still be in +sight. + +As I came down, the First Lieutenant was at the periscope, looking +round the horizon. Quickly I thrust the youth from the eyepiece, and, +as calmly as I could, said: "I thought I heard propellers." + +Half an hour later we surfaced for the night. I have been wondering +ever since whether they suspect, for the three of them were talking in +the wardroom after dinner and stopped suddenly when I came in. + +I must be careful in future. + + * * * * * + +I was sent for this morning by the Commodore's office, and handed my +appointment as Senior Lieutenant at the barracks Wilhelmshafen. + +No explanation, though I suspected something of the sort was coming, as +three days after we got in from my last trip I was examined by the +medical board attached to the flotilla. + +So I am to leave the U-boat service, and leave it under a cloud! It is +a sad come-down from Captain of a U-boat to Lieutenant in barracks, a +job reserved for the medically unfit for sea service. + +Am I sorry? No, I think I am glad. Life here at Bruges is one long +painful episode. No one speaks to me in the Mess. I am left severely +alone with my memories. The night before last I found a revolver in my +room, and attached to it was a piece of paper bearing the words: "From +a friend." + +Perhaps at Wilhelmshafen it will be different, and yet, when I went +down to the boat at noon and collected my personal affairs and stepped +over her side for the last time, I could not check a feeling of great +sadness. We had endured much together, my boat and I, and the parting +was hard. + + + + + _At Barracks_. + + +As I suspected when I was appointed here, my job is deadly to a degree, +and my main duty is to sign leave passes. + +Our great effort in France has failed, and now the Allies react +furiously. The great war machine is strained to its utmost capacity; +can it endure the load? + +Our proper move is to paralyse the Allied offensive by striking with +all our naval weight at his cross-channel communications. The U-boat +war is too slow, and time is not on our side, whilst a hammer blow down +the Channel might do great things. But we have no naval imagination, +and who am I, that I should advance an opinion? + +A discredited Lieutenant in barracks--that's all. + +Worse and worse--there are rumours of troubles in the Fleet taking +place under certain conditions. + +It is the beginning of the end! + +Last night the High Seas Fleet were ordered to weigh at 8 a.m. this +morning. + +A mutiny broke out in the _König_ and quickly spread. + +By 9 a.m. half a dozen ships were flying the red flag, and to-day +Wilhelmshafen is being administered by the Council of Soldiers and +Sailors. + +There has been little disorder; the men have been unanimous in +declaring that they would not go to sea for a last useless massacre, a +last oblation on the bloodstained altars of war. + +Can they be blamed? Of what use would such sacrifice be? + +Yet to an officer it is all very sad and disheartening. + +I have seen enough to sicken me of the whole German system of making +war, and yet if the call came I know I would gladly go forth and die +when _tout est perdu fors l'honneur_. + +Such instincts are bred deep into the men of families such as mine. + +We approach the culmination of events. To-day Germany has called for an +armistice. It has been inevitable since our Allies began falling away +from us like rotten print. + +The terms will doubtless be hard. + + * * * * * + +Heavens above! but the terms are crushing! + +All the U-boats to be surrendered, the High Seas Fleet interned; why +not say "surrendered" straight out, it will come to that, unless we +blow them up in German ports. + +The end of Kaiserdom has come; we are virtually a republic; it is all +like a dream. + + * * * * * + +We have signed, and the last shot of the world-war has been fired. + +Here everything is confusion; the saner elements are trying to keep +order, the roughs are going round the dockyard and ships, looting +freely. + +"Better we should steal them than the English," and "There is no +Government, so all is free," are two of their cries. + +There has been a little shooting in the streets, and it is not safe for +officers to move about in uniform, though, on the whole, I have +experienced little difficulty. + +I was summoned to-day before the Local Council, which is run by a man +who was a Petty Officer of signals in the _König_. He recognized me and +looked away. + +I was instructed to take U.122 over to Harwich for surrender to the +English. + +I made no difficulty; some one has got to do it, and I verily believe I +am indifferent to all emotions. + +We sail in convoy on the day after tomorrow; that is to say, if the +crew condescend to fuel the boat in time. Three looters were executed +to-day in the dockyard and this has had a steadying effect on the worst +elements. + + * * * * * + +I went on board 122 to-day, and on showing my authority which was +signed by the Council (which has now become the Council of Soldiers, +Sailors and Workmen), the crew of the boat held a meeting at which I +was not invited to be present. + +At its conclusion the coxswain came up to me and informed me that a +resolution had been carried by seventeen votes to ten, to the effect +that I was to be obeyed as Captain of the boat. + +I begged him to convey to the crew my gratification, and expressed the +hope that I should give satisfaction. + +I am afraid the sarcasm was quite lost on them. + + * * * * * + +We are within sixty miles of Harwich and I expect to sight the English +cruisers any moment. + +I wrote some days ago that I was incapable of any emotion. + +I was wrong, as I have been so often during the last two years. + +In fact, I have come to the conclusion that I am no psychologist--I +don't believe we Germans are any good at psychology, and that's the +root reason why we've failed. + +I do feel emotion--it's terrible; the shame--the humiliation is +unbearable. + +I wonder how the English will behave? What a day of triumph for them. + +The signalman has just come down and reported British cruisers right +ahead; it will soon be over. I must go up on deck and exercise my +functions as elected Captain of U.122, and representative of Germany in +defeat. One last effort is demanded, and then---- + + + + +_NOTE_ + + +_This is the last sentence in the diary. It is probable that he suddenly +had to hurry on deck and in the subsequent confusion forgot to rescue +his diary from the locker in which he had thrust it_. + +ETIENNE. + + + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Diary of a U-Boat Commander, by Anonymous + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DIARY OF A U-BOAT COMMANDER *** + +***** This file should be named 7947-8.txt or 7947-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/7/9/4/7947/ + +Produced by Eric Eldred, Marvin A. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Diary of a U-Boat Commander + +Author: Anonymous + +Posting Date: January 28, 2011 [EBook #7947] +Release Date: April, 2005 +First Posted: June 4, 2003 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DIARY OF A U-BOAT COMMANDER *** + + + + +Produced by Eric Eldred, Marvin A. Hodges, Charles Franks, +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/001.jpg"><img src="images/001th.jpg" alt="We rammed a destroyer, passing through her like a knife through cheese"></a> +</p> + +<hr> + +<h1>The Diary of a U-boat Commander</h1> + +<h2>WITH AN INTRODUCTION AND EXPLANATORY NOTES BY ETIENNE</h2> + +<h3>AND</h3> + +<h2><i>18 Illustrations on Art Paper by Frank H. Mason.</i></h2> + +<hr> + +<h3>BOOKS BY ETIENNE</h3> + +<hr> + +<h3>STRANGE TALES FROM THE FLEET</h3> + +<h3>A NAVAL LIEUTENANT</h3> + +<h3>1914--1918.</h3> + +<p class="ctr"> +"In collaboration with Navallus. +</p> + +<p class="ctr"> +Five Songs from the Grand Fleet." +</p> + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/004.jpg"><img src="images/004th.jpg" alt="...they are so black and swift I don't go near them"></a> +</p> + +<hr> + +<h3>LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS</h3> + +<p> +<a href="images/001.jpg">"We rammed a destroyer, passing through her like a knife through +cheese"</a> +</p> + +<p> +<a href="images/004.jpg">"...they are so black and swift I don't go near them"</a> +</p> + +<p> +<a href="images/049.jpg">"Steering north-westerly ... to lay a small minefield off Newcastle"</a> +</p> + +<p> +<a href="images/050.jpg">"He had suddenly seen the bow waves of a destroyer approaching at full +speed to ram"</a> +</p> + +<p> +<a href="images/083b.jpg">"We were put down by a trawler at dawn"</a> +</p> + +<p> +<a href="images/083a.jpg">"The torpedo had jumped clean out of the water a hundred yards short of the steamer and had then dived under her"</a> +</p> + +<p> +<a href="images/084.jpg">"A moment later there was a severe jar; we had struck the bottom"</a> +</p> + +<p> +<a href="images/117.jpg">"As the dim lights on the mole disappeared, the ceaseless fountain of +star-shells, mingling with the flashing of guns, rose inland on our +port beam"</a> +</p> + +<p> +<a href="images/118.jpg">"We hit her aft for the second time...."</a> +</p> + +<p> +<a href="images/151.jpg">"The track met our ram"</a> +</p> + +<p> +<a href="images/152.jpg">"In the flash I caught a glimpse of his conning tower"</a> +</p> + +<p> +<a href="images/201.jpg">"The 1,000 kilogrammes of metal crashed down"</a> +</p> + +<p> +<a href="images/202a.jpg">"Good-bye! Steer west for America!"</a> +</p> + +<p> +<a href="images/202b.jpg">"It is a snug anchorage, and here I intend to remain"</a> +</p> + +<p> +<a href="images/251.jpg">"A trapdoor near her bows fell down, the White Ensign was broken at the +fore, and a 4-inch gun opened fire from the embrasure that was revealed +on her side"</a> +</p> + +<p> +<a href="images/252.jpg">"I sighted two convoys, but there were destroyers there...."</a> +</p> + +<p> +<a href="images/285.jpg">"... when there was a blinding flash and the air seemed filled with moaning fragments"</a> +</p> + +<p> +<a href="images/286.jpg">"When I put up my periscope at 9 a.m. the horizon seemed to be ringed +with patrols"</a> +</p> + +<hr> + +<h3>INTRODUCTION</h3> + +<p> +"I would ask you a favour," said the German captain, as we sat in the +cabin of a U-boat which had just been added to the long line of +bedraggled captives which stretched themselves for a mile or more in +Harwich Harbour, in November, 1918. +</p> + +<p> +I made no reply; I had just granted him a favour by allowing him to +leave the upper deck of the submarine, in order that he might await the +motor launch in some sort of privacy; why should he ask for more? +</p> + +<p> +Undeterred by my silence, he continued: "I have a great friend, +Lieutenant-zu-See Von Schenk, who brought U.122 over last week; he has +lost a diary, quite private, he left it in error; can he have it?" +</p> + +<p> +I deliberated, felt a certain pity, then remembered the <i>Belgian +Prince</i> and other things, and so, looking the German in the face, I +said: +</p> + +<p> +"I can do nothing." +</p> + +<p> +"Please." +</p> + +<p> +I shook my head, then, to my astonishment, the German placed his head +in his hands and wept, his massive frame (for he was a very big man) +shook in irregular spasms; it was a most extraordinary spectacle. +</p> + +<p> +It seemed to me absurd that a man who had suffered, without visible +emotion, the monstrous humiliation of handing over his command intact, +should break down over a trivial incident concerning a diary, and not +even his own diary, and yet there was this man crying openly before me. +</p> + +<p> +It rather impressed me, and I felt a curious shyness at being present, +as if I had stumbled accidentally into some private recess of his mind. +I closed the cabin door, for I heard the voices of my crew approaching. +</p> + +<p> +He wept for some time, perhaps ten minutes, and I wished very much to +know of what he was thinking, but I couldn't imagine how it would be +possible to find out. +</p> + +<p> +I think that my behaviour in connection with his friend's diary added +the last necessary drop of water to the floods of emotion which he had +striven, and striven successfully, to hold in check during the agony of +handing over the boat, and now the dam had crumbled and broken away. +</p> + +<p> +It struck me that, down in the brilliantly-lit, stuffy little cabin, +the result of the war was epitomized. On the table were some +instruments I had forbidden him to remove, but which my first +lieutenant had discovered in the engineer officer's bag. +</p> + +<p> +On the settee lay a cheap, imitation leather suit-case, containing his +spare clothes and a few books. At the table sat Germany in defeat, +weeping, but not the tears of repentance, rather the tears of bitter +regret for humiliations undergone and ambitions unrealized. +</p> + +<p> +We did not speak again, for I heard the launch come alongside, and, as +she bumped against the U-boat, the noise echoed through the hull into +the cabin, and aroused him from his sorrows. He wiped his eyes, and, +with an attempt at his former hardiness, he followed me on deck and +boarded the motor launch. +</p> + +<p> +Next day I visited U.122, and these papers are presented to the public, +with such additional remarks as seemed desirable; for some curious +reason the author seems to have omitted nearly all dates. This may have +been due to the fear that the book, if captured, would be of great +value to the British Intelligence Department if the entries were dated. +The papers are in the form of two volumes in black leather binding, +with a long letter inside the cover of the second volume. +</p> + +<p> +<i>Internal evidence has permitted me to add the dates as regards the +years. My thanks are due to K. for assistance in translation</i>. +</p> + +<p> +ETIENNE. +</p> + +<hr> + +<h3>The Diary of a U-boat Commander</h3> + + +<br> +<br> + +<p> +One volume of my war-journal completed, and I must confess it is dull +reading. +</p> + +<p> +I could not help smiling as I read my enthusiastic remarks at the +outbreak of war, when we visualized battles by the week. What a +contrast between our expectations and the actual facts. +</p> + +<p> +Months of monotony, and I haven't even seen an Englishman yet. +</p> + +<p> +Our battle cruisers have had a little amusement with the coast raids at +Scarborough and elsewhere, but we battle-fleet fellows have seen +nothing, and done nothing. +</p> + +<p> +So I have decided to volunteer for the U-boat service, and my name went +in last week, though I am told it may be months before I am taken, as +there are about 250 lieutenants already on the waiting list. +</p> + +<p> +But sooner or later I suppose something will come of it. +</p> + +<p> +I shall have no cause to complain of inactivity in that Service, if I +get there. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +I am off to-night for a six-days trip, two days of which are to be +spent in the train, to the Verdun sector. +</p> + +<p> +It has been a great piece of luck. The trip had been arranged by the +Military and Naval Inter-communication Department; and two officers +from this squadron were to go. +</p> + +<p> +There were 130 candidates, so we drew lots; as usual I was lucky and +drew one of the two chances. +</p> + +<p> +It should be intensely interesting. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>At</i> ---- +</p> + +<p> +I arrived here last night after a slow and tiresome journey, which was +somewhat alleviated by an excellent bottle of French wine which I +purchased whilst in the Champagne district. +</p> + +<p> +Long before we reached the vicinity of Verdun it was obvious to the +most casual observer that we were heading for a centre of unusual +activity. +</p> + +<p> +Hospital trains travelling north-east and east were numerous, and twice +our train, which was one of the ordinary military trains, was shunted +on to a siding to allow troop trains to rumble past. +</p> + +<p> +As we approached Verdun the noise of artillery, which I had heard +distantly once or twice during the day, as the casual railway train +approached the front, became more intense and grew from a low murmur +into a steady noise of a kind of growling description, punctuated at +irregular intervals by very deep booms as some especially heavy piece +was discharged, or an ammunition dump went up. +</p> + +<p> +The country here is very different from the mud flats of Flanders, as +it is hilly and well wooded. The Meuse, in the course of centuries, has +cut its way through the rampart of hills which surround Verdun, and we +are attacking the place from three directions. On the north we are +slowly forcing the French back on either river bank--a very costly +proceeding, as each wing must advance an equal amount, or the one that +advances is enfiladed from across the river. +</p> + +<p> +We are also slowly creeping forward from the east and north-east in the +direction of Douaumont. +</p> + +<p> +I am attached to a 105-cm. battery, a young Major von Markel in +command, a most charming fellow. I spent all to-day in the advanced +observing position with a young subaltern called Grabel, also a nice +young fellow. I was in position at 6 a.m., and, as apparently is common +here, mist hides everything from view until the sun attains a certain +strength. Our battery was supporting the attack on the north side of +the river, though the battery itself was on the south side, and firing +over a hill called L'Homme Mort. +</p> + +<p> +Von Markel told me that the fighting here has not been previously +equalled in the war, such is the intensity of the combat and the price +each side is paying. +</p> + +<p> +I could see for myself that this was so, and the whole atmosphere of +the place is pregnant with the supreme importance of this struggle, +which may well be the dying convulsions of decadent France. +</p> + +<p> +His Imperial Majesty himself has arrived on the scene to witness the +final triumph of our arms, and all agree that the end is imminent. +</p> + +<p> +Once we get Verdun, it is the general opinion that this portion of the +French front will break completely, carrying with it the adjacent +sectors, and the French Armies in the Vosges and Argonne will be +committed to a general retreat on converging lines. +</p> + +<p> +But, favourable as this would be to us, it is generally considered here +that the fall of Verdun will break the moral resistance of the French +nation. +</p> + +<p> +The feeling is, that infinitely more is involved than the capture of a +French town, or even the destruction of a French Army; it is a question +of stamina; it is the climax of the world war, the focal point of the +colossal struggle between the Latin and the Teuton, and on the +battlefields of Verdun the gods will decide the destinies of nations. +</p> + +<p> +When I got to the forward observing position, which was situated among +the ruins of a house, a most amazing noise made conversation difficult. +</p> + +<p> +The orchestra was in full blast and something approaching 12,000 pieces +of all sizes were in action on our side alone, this being the greatest +artillery concentration yet effected during the war. +</p> + +<p> +We were situated on one side of a valley which ran up at right angles +to the river, whose actual course was hidden by mist, which also +obscured the bottom of our valley. The front line was down in this +little valley, and as I arrived we lifted our barrage on to the far +hill-side to cover an attack which we were delivering at dawn. +</p> + +<p> +Nothing could be seen of the conflict down below, but after half an +hour we received orders to bring back our barrage again, and Grabel +informed me that the attack had evidently failed. This afternoon I +heard that it was indeed so, and that one division (the 58th), which +had tried to work along the river bank and outflank the hill, had been +caught by a concentration of six batteries of French 75's, which were +situated across the river. The unfortunate 58th, forced back from the +river-side, had heroically fought their way up the side of the hill, +only to encounter our barrage, which, owing to the mist, we thought was +well above and ahead of where they would be. +</p> + +<p> +Under this fresh blow the 58th had retired to their trenches at the +bottom of the small valley. As the day warmed up the mist disappeared, +and, like a theatre curtain, the lifting of this veil revealed the +whole scene in its terrible and yet mechanical splendour. +</p> + +<p> +I say mechanical, for it all seemed unreal to me. I knew I should not +see cavalry charges, guns in the open, and all the old-world panoply of +war, but I was not prepared for this barren and shell-torn circle of +hills, continually being freshly, and, to an uninformed observer, +aimlessly lashed by shell fire. +</p> + +<p> +Not a man in sight, though below us the ground was thickly strewn with +corpses. Overhead a few aeroplanes circled round amidst balls of white +shell bursts. +</p> + +<p> +During the day the slow-circling aeroplanes (which were artillery +observing machines) were galvanized into frightful activity by the +sudden appearance of a fighting machine on one side or the other; this +happened several times; it reminded me of a pike amongst young trout. +</p> + +<p> +After lunch I saw a Spad shot down in flames, it was like Lucifer +falling down from high heavens. The whole scene was enframed by a +sluggish line of observation balloons. +</p> + +<p> +Sometimes groups of these would hastily sink to earth, to rise again +when the menace of the aeroplane had passed. These balloons seemed more +like phlegmatic spectators at some athletic contest than actual +participants in the events. +</p> + +<p> +I wish my pen could convey to paper the varied impressions created +within my mind in the course of the past day; but it cannot. I have the +consolation that, though I think that I have considerable ability as a +writer, yet abler pens than mine have abandoned in despair the task of +describing a modern battle. +</p> + +<p> +I can but reiterate that the dominant impression that remains is of the +mechanical nature of this business of modern war, and yet such an +impression is a false one, for as in the past so to-day, and so in the +future, it is the human element which is, has been, and will be the +foundation of all things. +</p> + +<p> +Once only in the course of the day did I see men in any numbers, and +that was when at 3 p.m. the French were detected massing for a +counter-attack on the south side of the river. It was doomed to be +still-born. As they left their trenches, distant pigmy figures in +horizon blue, apparently plodding slowly across the ground, they were +lashed by an intensive barrage and the little figures were obliterated +in a series of spouting shell bursts. +</p> + +<p> +Five minutes later the barrage ceased, the smoke drifted away and not a +man was to be seen. Grabel told me that it had probably cost them 750 +casualties. What an amazing and efficient destruction of living +organism! +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Another most interesting day, though of a different nature. +</p> + +<p> +To-day was spent witnessing the arrangements for dealing with the +wounded. I spent the morning at an advanced dressing station on the +south bank of the river. It was in a cellar, beneath the ruins of a +house, about 400 yards from the front line and under heavy shell-fire, +as close at hand was the remains of what had been a wood, which was +being used as a concentration point for reserves. +</p> + +<p> +The cover afforded by this so-called wood was extremely slight, and the +troops were concentrating for the innumerable attacks and +counter-attacks which were taking place under shell fire. This caused +the surgeon in charge of the cellar to describe the wood as our main +supply station! +</p> + +<p> +I entered the cellar at 8 a.m., taking advantage of a partial lull in +the shelling, but a machine-gun bullet viciously flipped into a wooden +beam at the entrance as I ducked to go in. I was not sorry to get +underground. A sloping path brought me into the cellar, on one side of +which sappers were digging away the earth to increase the +accommodation. +</p> + +<p> +The illumination consisted of candles set in bottles and some electric +hand lamps. The centre of the cellar was occupied by two portable +operating tables, rarely untenanted during the three hours I spent in +this hell. +</p> + +<p> +The atmosphere--for there was no ventilation--stank of sweat, blood, +and chloroform. +</p> + +<p> +By a powerful effort I countered my natural tendency to vomit, and +looked around me. The sides of the cellar were lined with figures on +stretchers. Some lay still and silent, others writhed and groaned. At +intervals, one of the attendants would call the doctor's attention to +one of the still forms. A hasty examination ensued, and the stretcher +and its contents were removed. A few minutes later the +stretcher--empty--returned. The surgeon explained to me that there was +no room for corpses in the cellar; business, he genially remarked, was +too brisk at the present crucial stage of the great battle. +</p> + +<p> +The first feelings of revulsion having been mastered, I determined to +make the most of my opportunities, as I have always felt that the naval +officer is at a great disadvantage in war as compared with his +military brother, in that he but rarely has a chance of accustoming +himself to the unpleasant spectacle of torn flesh and bones. +</p> + +<p> +This morning there was no lack of material, and many of the intestinal +wounds were peculiarly revolting, so that at lunch-time, when another +convenient lull in the torrent of shell fire enabled me to leave the +cellar, I felt thoroughly hardened; in fact I had assisted in a humble +degree at one or two operations. +</p> + +<p> +I had lunch at the 11th Army Medical Headquarters Mess, and it was a +sumptuous meal to which I did full justice. +</p> + +<p> +After lunch, whilst waiting to be motored to a field hospital, I +happened to see a battalion of Silesian troops about to go up to the +front line. +</p> + +<p> +It was rather curious feeling that one was looking at men, each in +himself a unit of civilization, and yet many of whom were about to die +in the interests thereof. +</p> + +<p> +Their faces were an interesting study. +</p> + +<p> +Some looked careless and debonair, and seemed to swing past with a +touch of recklessness in their stride, others were grave and serious, +and seemed almost to plod forward to the dictates of an inevitable +fatalism. +</p> + +<p> +The field hospital, where we met some very charming nurses, on one of + +whom I think I created a distinct impression, was not particularly +interesting. It was clean, well-organized and radiated the efficiency +inseparable from the German Army. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Back at Wilhelmshaven--curse it! +</p> + +<p> +Yesterday morning, when about to start on a tour of the ammunition +supply arrangements, I received an urgent wire recalling me at once! +</p> + +<p> +There was nothing for it but to obey. +</p> + +<p> +I was lucky enough to get a passage as far as Mons in an albatross +scout which was taking dispatches to that place. +</p> + +<p> +From there I managed to bluff a motor car out of the town commandant--a +most obliging fellow. This took me to Aachen where I got an express. +</p> + +<p> +The reason for my recall was that Witneisser went sick and Arnheim +being away, this has left only two in the operations ciphering +department. +</p> + +<p> +My arrival has made us three. It is pretty strenuous work and, being of +a clerical nature, suits me little. The only consolation is that many +of the messages are most interesting. I was looking through the back +files the other day and amongst other interesting information I came +across the wireless report from the boat that had sunk the <i>Lusitania</i>. +</p> + +<p> +It has always been a mystery to me why we sank her, as I do not believe +those things pay. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Arnheim has come back, so I have got out of the ciphering department, +to my great delight. +</p> + +<p> +I have received official information that my application for U-boats +has been received. Meanwhile all there is to do is to sit at +this ---- hole and wait. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +<i>2nd June</i>, 1916. +</p> + +<p> +I have fought in the greatest sea battle of the ages; it has been a +wonderful and terrible experience. +</p> + +<p> +All the details of the battle will be history, but I feel that I must +place on record my personal experiences. +</p> + +<p> +We have not escaped without marks, and the good old <i>König</i> brought 67 +dead and 125 wounded into port as the price of the victory off +Skajerack, but of the English there are thousands who slept their last +sleep in the wrecked hulls of the battle cruisers which will rust for +eternal ages upon the Jutland banks. +</p> + +<p> +Sad as our losses are--and the gallant <i>Lutzow</i> has sunk in sight of +home--I am filled with pride. +</p> + +<p> +We have met that great armada the British Fleet, we have struck them +with a hammer blow and we have returned. I was asleep in my cabin when +the news came that Hipper was coming south with the British battle +cruisers on his beam. In five minutes we were at our action stations. +We made contact with Hipper at 5.30 p.m., [<a href="#f1">1</a>] and Beatty turned north +with his cruisers and fast battleships and we pursued. +</p> + +<p class="ind"> +<a name="f1">1.</a> This is 4.30 G.M.T.--Etienne +</p> + +<p> +Two of the great ships had been sunk by our battle cruisers, and we had +hopes of destroying the remainder, when at 6.55 the mist on the +northern horizon was pierced by the formidable line of the British +Battle Fleet. +</p> + +<p> +Jellicoe had arrived! +</p> + +<p> +Three battle cruisers became involved between the lines, and in an +instant one was blown up, and another crawled west in a sinking +condition. Sudden and terrible are events in a modern sea-battle. +</p> + +<p> +Confronted with the concentrated force of Britain's Battle Fleet we +turned to east, and for twenty minutes our High Seas Fleet sustained +the unequal contest. +</p> + +<p> +It was during this period that we were hit seventeen times by heavy +shell, though, in my position in the after torpedo control tower, I +only realized one hit had taken place, which was when a shell plunged +into the after turret and, blowing the roof off, killed every member of +the turret's crew. +</p> + +<p> +From my position, when the smoke and dust had blown away, I looked down +into a mass of twisted machinery, amongst which I seemed to detect the +charred remains of bodies. +</p> + +<p> +At about 7.40 we turned, under cover of our smoke screen, and steered +south-west. +</p> + +<p> +Our position was not satisfactory, as the last information of the enemy +reported them as turning to the southward; consequently they were +between us and Heligoland. +</p> + +<p> +At 11 p.m. we received a signal for divisions of battle fleets to steer +independently for the Horn Reef swept channel. +</p> + +<p> +Ten minutes later we underwent the first of five destroyer attacks. +</p> + +<p> +The British destroyers, searching wide in the night, had located us, +and with desperate gallantry pressed home the attack again and again. +So close did they come that about 1.30 a.m. we rammed one, passing +through her like a knife through a cheese. +</p> + +<p> +It was a wonderful spectacle to see those sinister craft, rushing madly +to their destruction down the bright beam of our powerful searchlights. +It was an avenue of death for them, but to the credit of their Service +it must stand that throughout the long nightmare they did not hesitate. +</p> + +<p> +The surrounding darkness seemed to vomit forth flotilla after flotilla +of these cavalry of the sea. +</p> + +<p> +And they struck us once, a torpedo right forward, which will keep us in +dock for a month, but did no vital injury. +</p> + +<p> +When morning dawned, misty and soft, as is its way in June in the +Bight, we were to the eastward of the British, and so we came +honourably home to Wilhelmshaven, feeling that the young Navy had laid +worthy foundations for its tradition to grow upon. +</p> + +<p> +We are to report at Kiel, and shall be six weeks upon the job. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +<i>Frankfurt</i>. +</p> + +<p> +Back on seventeen days' leave, and everyone here very anxious to hear +details of the battle of Skajerack. +</p> + +<p> +It is very pleasant to have something to talk to the women about. +Usually the gallant field greys hold the drawing-room floor, with their +startling tales from the Western Front, of how they nearly took Verdun, +and would have if the British hadn't insisted on being slaughtered on +the Somme. +</p> + +<p> +It is quite impossible in many ways to tell that there is a war on as +far as social life in this place is concerned. +</p> + +<p> +There is a shortage of good coffee and that is about all. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Arrived back on board last night. +</p> + +<p> +They have made a fine job of us, and we go through the canal to the +Schillig Roads early next week. +</p> + +<p> +We are to do three weeks' gunnery practices from there, to train the +new drafts. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +1916 (<i>about August</i>). +</p> + +<p> +At last! Thank Heavens, my application has been granted. Schmitt (the +Secretary) told me this morning that a letter has come from the +Admiralty to say that I am to present myself for medical examination at +the board at Wilhelmshaven to-morrow. +</p> + +<p> +What joy! to strike a blow at last, finished for ever the cursed +monotony of inactivity of this High Seas Fleet life. But the U-boat +war! Ah! that goes well. We shall bring those stubborn, blood-sucking +islanders to their knees by striking at them through their bellies. +</p> + +<p> +When I think of London and no food, and Glasgow and no food, then who +can say what will happen? Revolt! rebellion in England, and our brave +field greys on the west will smash them to atoms in the spring of 1917, +and I, Karl Schenk, will have helped directly in this! Great +thought--but calm! I am not there yet, there is still this confounded +medical board. I almost wish I had not drunk so much last night, not +that it makes any difference, but still one must run no risks, for I +hear that the medical is terribly strict for the U-boat service. Only +the cream is skimmed! Well, to-morrow we shall see. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Passed! and with flying colours; it seemed absurdly easy and only took +ten minutes, but then my physique is magnificent, thanks to the +physical training I have always done. I am now due to get three weeks' +leave, and then to Zeebrugge. +</p> + +<p> +I have wired to the little mother at Frankfurt. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>At Zeebrugge, or rather Bruges.</i> +</p> + +<p> +I spent three weeks at home, all the family are pleased except mother; +she has a woman's dread of danger; it is a pleasing characteristic in +peace time, but a cloy on pleasure in days of war. To her, with the +narrowness of a female's intellect, I really believe I am of more +importance than the Fatherland--how absurd. Whilst at Frankfurt I saw a +good deal of Rosa; she seems better looking each time I meet her; +doubtless she is still developing to full womanhood. Moritz was home +from Flanders. He had ten days' leave from Ypres, and, though I have a +dislike for him, he certainly was interesting, though why the English +cling to those wretched ruins is more than I can understand. +</p> + +<p> +I felt instinctively that in a sense Moritz and I were rivals where +Rosa was concerned, though I have never considered her in that +light--as yet. One day, perhaps? These women are much the same +everywhere, and I could see that having entered the U-boat service made +a difference with Rosa, though her logic should have told her that I +was no different. But is that right? After all, it is something to have +joined this service; the Guards themselves have no better cachet, and +it is certainly cheaper. +</p> + +<p> +Here we live in billets and in a commandeered hotel. The life ashore is +pleasant enough; the damned Belgians are sometimes sulky, but they know +who is master. Bissing (a splendid chap) sees to that. +</p> + +<p> +As a matter of fact we have benefited them by our occupation, the shops +do a roaring trade at preposterous prices, and shamefully enough the +German shopkeepers are most guilty. These pot-bellied merchants don't +seem to realize that they exist owing to our exertions. +</p> + +<p> +I was much struck with the beautiful orderliness of the small gardens +which we have laid out since 1914, and, in fact, wherever one looks +there is evidence of the genius of the German race for thorough +organization. Yet these Belgians don't seem to appreciate it. I can't +understand it. +</p> + +<p> +I find here that social life is very much gayer than at that mad town +of Wilhelmshaven. At the High Seas Fleet bases there was the strictness +and austerity that some people seem to consider necessary to show that +we are at war, though Heaven knows there was precious little war in the +High Seas Fleet; perhaps that was why the "blood and iron" régime was +in full order ashore. Here, in Bruges, at any rate as far as the +submarine officers are concerned, the matter is far different. When the +boats are in, one seems to do as one likes, with a perfunctory visit to +the ship in the course of the day. +</p> + +<p> +Witnitz (the Commodore) favours complete relaxation when in from a +trip. In the evenings there are parties, for which there are always +ladies, and I find it is necessary to have a "smoking."[<a href="#f2">2</a>] I went to +the best tailor to buy one, and found that I must have one made at the +damnable price of 140 marks; the fitter, an oily Jew, had the +incredible impertinence to assure me it would be cut on London lines! +</p> + +<p class="ind"> +<a name="f2">2.</a> A dinner jacket. +</p> + +<p> +I nearly felled him to the ground; can one never get away from England +and things English? I'll see his account waits a bit before I settle +it. +</p> + +<p> +There are several fellows I know here. Karl Müller, who was 3rd +watchkeeper in the <i>Yorck</i>, and Adolf Hilfsbaumer, who was captain of +G.176, are the two I know best. They are both doing a few trips as +second in commands of the later U.C. boats, which are mine-laying off +the English coasts. This is a most dangerous operation, and nearly all +the U.C. boats are commanded by reserve officers, of whom there are a +good many in the Mess. +</p> + +<p> +Excellent fellows, no doubt, but somewhat uncouth and lacking the finer +points of breeding; as far as I can see in the short time I have been +here they keep themselves to themselves a good deal. I certainly don't +wish to mix with them. Unfortunately, it appears that I am almost bound +to be appointed as second in command of one of the U.C. boats, for at +least one trip before I go to the periscope school and train for a +command of my own. The idea of being bottled up in an elongated cigar +and under the command of one of those nautical plough-boys is +repellent. However, the Von Schenks have never been too proud to obey +in order to learn how to command. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +I have been appointed second in command to U.C.47. Her captain is one +Max Alten by name. Beyond the fact that I saw him drunk one night in +the Mess I know nothing of him. +</p> + +<p> +I reported to him and he seems rather in awe of me. His fears are +groundless. +</p> + +<p> +I shall make it as easy as possible for him, for it must be as awkward +for him as it is unpleasant for me. +</p> + +<p> +To celebrate my proper entry into the U-boat service, I gave a dinner +party last night in a private room at "Le Coq d'Or." I asked Karl and +Adolf, and told them to bring three girls. My opposite number was a +lovely girl called Zoe something or other. I wore my "smoking" for the +first time; it is certainly a becoming costume. +</p> + +<p> +We drank a good deal of champagne and had a very pleasant little +debauch; the girls got very merry, and I kissed Zoe once. She was not +very angry. I think she is thoroughly charming, and I have accepted an +invitation to take tea at her flat. She is either the wife or the chère +amie of a colonel in the Brandenburgers, I could not make out which. +Luckily the gallant "Cockchafer" is at the moment on the La Bassée +sector, where I was interested to observe that heavy fighting has +broken out to-day. I must console the fair Zoe! +</p> + +<p> +Both Karl and Adolf got rather drunk, Adolf hopelessly so, but I, as +usual, was hardly affected. I have a head of iron, provided the liquor +is good, and <i>I</i> saw to that point. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +We were sailing, or rather going down the canal to Zeebrugge on Friday, +but the starting resistance of the port main motor burnt out and we +were delayed till Sunday, as they will fit a new one. +</p> + +<p> +I must confess the organization for repair work here is admirable, as +very little is done by the crews in the U-boats, all work being carried +out by the permanent staff, who are quartered at Bruges docks. Taking +advantage of the delay I called on Zoe Stein, as I find she is named. +</p> + +<p> +It appears she is <i>not</i> married to Colonel Stein. She told me he was +fat and ugly, and laughed a good deal about him. She showed me his +photograph, and certainly he is no beauty. However, he must be a man of +means, as he has given her a charming flat, beautifully decorated with +water-colours which the Colonel salved from the French château in the +early days--these army fellows had all the chances. +</p> + +<p> +I bade an affectionate farewell to Zoe, and I trust Stein will be still +busily engaged at La Bassée when I return in a fortnight's time! I am +greatly obliged to Karl for the introduction, and told him so; he +himself is running after a little grass widow whose husband has been +missing for some months. I think Karl finds it an expensive game; +luckily Zoe seems well supplied with money--the essential ingredient in +a joyous life. +</p> + +<p> +On Friday night we had an air-raid--a frequent event here, but my first +experience in this line. Unpleasant, but a fine spectacle, considerable +damage done near the docks and an unexploded bomb fell in a street near +our headquarters. +</p> + +<p> +Two machines (British) brought down in flames. I saw the green balls +[<a href="#f3">3</a>] for the first time. A most fascinating sight to see them floating +up in waving chains into the vault of heaven; they reminded me of +making daisy chains as a child. +</p> + +<p class="ind"> +<a name="f3">3.</a> Known as "Flying-onions." +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +<i>At Zeebrugge</i>. +</p> + +<p> +We are alongside the mole in one of the new submarine shelters that has +been built. +</p> + +<p> +The boat is under a concrete roof over three feet thick, which would +defy the heaviest bomb. +</p> + +<p> +We have much improved the port since our arrival. The port, so-called, +is purely artificial, and actually consists of a long mole with a +gentle curve in it, which reaches out to seaward and protects the mouth +of the canal. The tides are very strong up and down the coast, and +constant dredging is carried out to keep 20 feet of water over the sill +at the lock gates. +</p> + +<p> +On arrival last night we went straight into No. 11 shelter, as an +air-raid was expected, but nothing happened, so I went up to the +"Flandre," which seems to be the best hotel here, full of submarine +people, and I heard many interesting stories. There seems no doubt this +U-boat war is dangerous work; I find the U.C. boats are beginning to be +called the Suicide Club, after the famous English story of that name, +which, curiously enough, I saw on the kinematograph at Frankfurt last +leave. We Germans are extraordinarily broad-minded; I doubt if the +works of German authors are seen on the screens in England or France. +</p> + +<p> +The news from the West is good, the English are hurling themselves to +destruction against our steel front. We are now to load up with mines. +I must stop writing to superintend this work. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +<i>At sea. Near the South Dogger Light.</i> +</p> + +<p> +We loaded up the ten mines we carry in an hour and five minutes. They +were lifted from a railway truck by a big crane and delicately lowered +into the mine tubes, of which we have five in the bows. +</p> + +<p> +The tubes extend from the upper deck of the ship to her keel, and slope +aft to facilitate release. Having completed with fuel at Bruges, we +took in a store of provisions and Alten went up to the Commodore's +office to get our sailing orders. +</p> + +<p> +We sailed at 6 p.m. and at last I felt I was off. To-day, the 22nd, we +are just north of the South Dogger, steering north-westerly at 9-1/2 +knots. +</p> + +<p> +The sea is quite calm and everything is very pleasant. Our mission is +to lay a small minefield off Newcastle in the East Coast war channel. I +have, of course, never been to sea for any length of time in a U-boat, +and it is all very novel. +</p> + +<p> +I find the roar of the Diesel engine very relentless, and last night +slept badly in a wretched bunk, which was a poor substitute for my +lovely quarters in the barracks at Wilhelmshaven. One thing I +appreciate, and that is the food; it is really excellent: fresh milk, +fresh butter, white bread and many other luxuries. +</p> + +<p> +I have spent most of the day picking up things about the boat. Her +general arrangement is as follows: +</p> + +<p> +Starting in the bows, mine tubes occupy the centre of the boat, leaving +two narrow passages, one each side. In the port passage is the wireless +cabinet and signal flag lockers, with store rooms underneath. In the +starboard passage are one or two small pumps and the kitchen. +</p> + +<p> +The next compartment contains four bunks, two each side, these are +occupied by Alten, myself, the engineer, and the Navigating Warrant +Officer. Proceeding further aft one enters the control room, in which +one periscope is situated, and the necessary valves and pumps for +diving the boat. +</p> + +<p> +The next compartment is the crew space; ten of the company exist here. +</p> + +<p> +Overhead on each side is the gear for releasing the torpedoes from the +external torpedo tubes, of which we carry one each side. I think we +borrowed this idea from the Russians. +</p> + +<p> +Then comes the engine-room, an inferno of rattling noises, but +excellent engines, I believe. At the after end of the engine-room are +the two main switchboards, of whose manner of working I am at present +in some ignorance. +</p> + +<p> +The two main sets of electric motors are underneath the boards, in the +stern, where we have a third torpedo tube. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +I had hardly written the above words when a message came that the +captain would like me to come to the bridge. +</p> + +<p> +I went up in a leisurely fashion, through the conning tower, which is +over the control room, and reported myself. He indicated a low-lying +patch of smoke on the horizon far away on the starboard bow. I was +obliged to confess that it conveyed nothing to me, when he aroused my +intense interest by stating that it was, without doubt, being emitted +from a British submarine, who are known to frequent these waters. He +was proceeding away from us, and was, even then, six or seven miles +away, so an attack was out of the question. The engineer, who had +joined us, drew my attention to the thin wisp of almost invisible +blue-grey smoke from our own stern. The contrast was certainly +striking! +</p> + +<p> +Over dinner I gave it as my opinion that the British boats were pretty +useless. Alten would not agree, and stated that, though in certain +technical aspects they were in a position of inferiority, yet in +personnel and skill in attacking they were fully our equals. He seemed +to hold them in considerable respect, and he remarked that, when making +a passage, he was more anxious on their account than in any other way. +He informed me that, on the last passage he made, he was attacked by a +British boat which he never saw, the only indication he received being +a torpedo which jumped out of the water almost over his tail. Luckily +it was very rough at the time, which made the torpedo run erratically, +otherwise they would undoubtedly have been hit. +</p> + +<p> +What appeared to astonish him was the fact that the British boat had +been able to make an attack in such weather. We are now charging on one +engine, 500 amperes on each half-battery. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +We are due back at Zeebrugge at 10 p.m. to-night. We should have been +in at dawn to-day, but we received a wireless from the senior officer, +Zeebrugge, to say that mine-laying was suspected, and we were to wait +till the "Q.R." channel, from the Blankenberg buoy, had been swept. We +lay in the bottom for eight hours, a few miles from the western end of +the channel. +</p> + +<p> +Our trip was quite successful, but not without certain excitements. +</p> + +<p> +On the night of the 23rd we passed fairly close to a fishing fleet on +the Dogger Bank, and saw the lights of several steamers in the +distance. As our first business was to lay our mines in the appointed +place, we did not worry them. +</p> + +<p> +We burnt usual navigation lights, or rather side lights which appear to +be usual, except that, by a little fitting which Alten has made +himself, the arcs of bearing on which the lights show can be changed at +will. His idea is that, should we appear to be approaching a steamer +which he wishes to avoid, in many cases, by shining a little more or +less red and green light, we can make her think that we are a steamer +on such a course that it is her duty by the rules of the road to keep +clear of us. +</p> + +<p> +He tells me it has worked on several occasions, and he has also found +it useful to have two small auxiliary side lights fitted which are the +wrong colours for the sides they are on. It is, of course, only neutral +shipping which carry lights nowadays, though Alten says that many +British ships are still incredibly careless in the matter of lights. +</p> + +<p> +However, to resume my account of what happened. We reached our position +at dawn or slightly after, the weather was beautifully calm and the sea +like glass. As we were only three miles from the English coast, and +close to the mouth of the Tyne, we were extraordinarily lucky to have +nothing in sight, if one excepts a long smudge of smoke which trailed +across the horizon to the southward. +</p> + +<p> +The land itself was obscured by early morning banks of mist, yet +everything was so still that we actually faintly heard the whistle of a +train. I could hardly restrain from suggesting to Alten that we should +elevate the 10-cm. gun to fifteen degrees and fire a few rounds on to +"proud Albion's virgin shores," but I did not do so as I felt fairly +certain that he would not approve, and I do not wish to lay myself open +to rebuffs from him after his behaviour concerning the smoking +incident. I boil with rage at the thought, but again I digress. +</p> + +<p> +The fact that the land was obscured was favourable from the point of +view that we were not worried by coast watchers, but unfavourable from +the standpoint that we were unable to take bearings of anything and so +ascertain our exact position. +</p> + +<p> +The importance of this point in submarine mine-laying is obvious, for, +owing to our small cargo of eggs, it is quite possible that we may be +sent here again, to lay an adjacent field, in which case it is highly +desirable to know the exact position of one's previous effort. +</p> + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/049.jpg"><img src="images/049th.jpg" alt="Steering north-westerly...; to lay a small minefield +off Newcastle"></a> +</p> + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/050.jpg"><img src="images/050th.jpg" alt="He had suddenly seen the bow waves of a destroyer approaching at full speed to ram"></a> +</p> + +<p> +We were somewhat assisted in our efforts to locate ourselves by the +fact that a seven-fathom patch existed exactly where we had to lay. We +picked up the edge of this bank with our sounding machine, and steering +north half a mile, laid our mines in latitude--No! on second thoughts I +will omit the precise position, for, though I shall take every +precaution, there is no saying that through some misfortune this +Journal might not get into the wrong hands. +</p> + +<p> +I am very glad I decided to keep these notes, as I shall take much +pleasure in reading them when Victory crowns our efforts and the joys +of a peaceful life return. +</p> + +<p> +I found it a delightful sensation being so close to the enemy coast, in +his territorial waters, in fact. For the first time since the Skajerack +battle I experienced the personal joys of war, the sensation of +intimate and successful contact with the enemy, and the most hated +enemy at that. +</p> + +<p> +We had hardly finished laying our eggs when a droning noise was heard. +With marvellous celerity we dived, that damned fellow Alten, who, under +these circumstances leaves the bridge last, treading on my fingers as +he followed me down the conning tower ladder. +</p> + +<p> +The engineer endeavoured to sympathize with me, and made some idiotic +remark about my being quicker when I had had more practice. I bit his +head off. I can't stand this hail-fellow-well-met attitude in these +U.C. boats, from any lout dressed in an officer's uniform. They +wouldn't be holding commissions if it wasn't for the war, and they +should remember that fact. I suppose they think I'm stand-offish. Well, +if they had my family tree behind them they would understand. +</p> + +<p> +We dived to sixty feet, and then came up to twenty. Alten looked +through the periscope, and then invited me to look. Curiosity impelled +me to accept this favour and, putting the focussing lever to +"skyscrape" I swept round the sky. +</p> + +<p> +At last I saw him; he was a small gas-bag of diminutive size, beneath +which was suspended a little car, the most ridiculous little travesty +of an airship I have ever seen. He was nosing along at about 800 feet +and making about 40 knots. +</p> + +<p> +Suddenly he must have seen the wake of our periscope, for he turned +towards us. Simultaneously Alten, from the conning tower (I was using +the other periscope in the control room), ordered the boat to sixty +feet, and put the helm hard over. +</p> + +<p> +We had turned sixteen points, [<a href="#f4">4</a>] and in about two minutes heard a +series of reports right astern of us. It was evident that our ruse had +succeeded and that he had overshot the mark. +</p> + +<p class="ind"> +<a name="f4">4.</a> 180º +</p> + +<p> +Inside the boat one felt a slight jar as each bomb went off. +</p> + +<p> +We gradually came round to our proper course, and cruised all day +submerged at dead slow speed. Every time we lifted our periscope he was +still hanging about sufficiently close to make it foolish for us to +come to the surface. +</p> + +<p> +Towards noon a group of trawlers, doubtless summoned by wireless, +appeared, and proceeded to wander about. These seemed to concern Alten +far more than the airship, and he informed me that from their, to me, +aimless movements he deduced they were hunting for us by hydroplanes. +Occasionally we lay on the bottom in nineteen fathoms. +</p> + +<p> +By 4 p.m. the atmosphere was becoming rather unpleasant and hot, and +gradually we took off more clothes. Curiously enough, I longed for a +smoke, but wild horses would not have made me ask Alten for permission. +</p> + +<p> +At 8 p.m. it was sufficiently dark to enable us to rise, which gave me +great pleasure, though the first rush of fresh air down the hatch made +me vomit after hours of breathing the vitiated muck. On coming to the +surface we saw nothing in sight, but a breeze had sprung up which +caused spray to break over the bridge as we chugged along at 9 knots. +</p> + +<p> +Everyone was in high spirits, as always on the return journey, when the +mind turns to the Fatherland and all it holds. +</p> + +<p> +My mind turns to Zoe. I confess it to myself frankly. I hardly realized +to what extent this woman had begun to influence me until we received +the wireless signal ordering us to delay entering for twelve hours. The +receipt of this news, trivial though the delay has been, threw a mantle +of gloom over the crew. I participated in the depression and, upon +thought, rather wondered that this should be so. Self-analysis on the +lines laid down by Schessmanweil [<a href="#f5">5</a>] revealed to me that the basis of +my annoyance is the fact that my next meeting with Zoe is deferred! I +feel instinctively that I shall have trouble here, and that I had +better haul off a lee shore whilst there is manoeuvring room, and +yet--and yet I secretly rejoice that every revolution of the propeller, +every clank and rattle of the Diesels brings us closer together. +</p> + +<p class="ind"> +<a name="f5">5.</a> Apparently some German author, of obscure origin, as I +cannot find him in any book of reference.--ETIENNE. +</p> + +<p> +Alten has just come down from the bridge, and we chatted for some +moments; it is evident that he wishes to apologize for his rudeness +over the smoking incident. +</p> + +<p> +I was in error, I admit it frankly; at the same time I did not know +that the battery was on charge, and to dash a match from my hand! I +could have shot him where he stood. However, I am not vindictive, and +as far as I am concerned the incident is ended. +</p> + +<p> +One thing I find trying in this small boat, and that is that I can find +no space in which to do half my Müller exercises, the +leg-and-arm-swinging ones. I must see whether I can't invent a set of +U-boat exercises! +</p> + +<p> +Good! in two hours we reach the Mole-end light buoy. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>Submarine Mess, Bruges.</i> +</p> + +<p> +It is midnight, and as I write in my room at the top of the house the +low rumble of the guns from the south-west vibrates faintly through the +open window, for it is extraordinarily warm for the time of year, and I +have flung back the curtains and risked the light shining. +</p> + +<p> +We spent the night at Zeebrugge and came up to the docks here next day. +We shall probably be in for a week, and I am on four days' "extended +absence from the boat," which practically means that I can go where I +like in the neighbourhood provided I am handy to a telephone. +</p> + +<p> +After a short inward struggle I rang Zoe up on the telephone; +fortunately I did not call first. +</p> + +<p> +A man's voice answered, and for a moment I was dumbfounded. I guessed +at once it was the Colonel, and I had counted so confidently on his +being still away at the front. +</p> + +<p> +For an instant I felt speechless, an impulse came to me to ring off +without further ado, but I restrained myself, and then a fine idea came +into my head. +</p> + +<p> +"Who is that?" I said. +</p> + +<p> +"Colonel Stein!" replied the voice, and my fears were confirmed, but my +plan of campaign held good. +</p> + +<p> +"I am speaking," I continued, "on behalf of Lieutenant Von +Schenk----" +</p> + +<p> +"Ah, yes!" growled the voice, and for an instant a panic seized me, but +I resumed: +</p> + +<p> +"He met Madame Stein at dinner some days ago, and she kindly asked him +to call; he has asked me to ring up and inquire when it would be +convenient, as he would like to meet you, sir, as well. He has been +unable to ring up himself, as he was sent away from Bruges on duty +early this morning." +</p> + +<p> +I smiled to myself at this little lie and listened. +</p> + +<p> +"Your friend had better call to-morrow then, for I leave to-morrow +evening for the Somme front; will you tell him?" +</p> + +<p> +I replied that I would, and left the telephone well satisfied, but +cursing the fates that made it advisable to keep clear of No. 10, +Kafelle Strasse for thirty-six hours. Needless to say next day I rang +up again in order to tell the Colonel that Lieutenant Schenk had +apparently been detained, as he was not yet back in Bruges, and how I +felt sure that he would be sorry at missing the Colonel, etc., etc., +but all this camouflage was unnecessary, as she herself came to the +'phone. I could have kissed the instrument when I told her of my +stratagem and heard her silvery laughter in my ear. +</p> + +<p> +"It is arranged that to-morrow, starting at 10.30, we motor for the day +to the Forest of Meten, taking our lunch and tea with us--pray Heaven +the weather holds." +</p> + +<p> +To-night in the Mess it is generally considered that U.B.40 has been +lost; she is ten days overdue and was operating off Havre, she has made +no signal for a fortnight. Such is the price of victory and the cost of +war--death, perhaps, in some terrible form, but bah! away with such +thoughts, to-morrow there is love and life and Zoe! +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Once more it is night, still the guns rumble on the same old dismal +tones, and as it is raining now it must be getting bad up at the front. +Except for the rain it might have been last night, but much has +happened to me in the meanwhile. +</p> + +<p> +To-day in the forest by Ruysslede I found that I loved Zoe, loved her +as I have never yet loved woman, loved her with my soul and all that is +me. +</p> + +<p> +The day was gloriously fine when we started, and an hour's run took us +to the forest. We left the car at an inn and wandered down one of the +glades. +</p> + +<p> +I carried the basket and we strolled on and on until we found a +suitable place deep in the heart of the forest. +</p> + +<p> +I have the sailor's love for woods, for their depths, their shadows, +their mysteries, which are so vivid a contrast to the monotony of the +sea, with the everlasting circle of the horizon and the half-bowl of +the heavens above. +</p> + +<p> +In the forest to-day, though the leaves had turned to gold and red and +brown, the beeches were still well covered, and overhead we were tented +with a russet canopy. +</p> + +<p> +I say, at last we found a spot, or rather Zoe, who, with girlish +pleasure in the adventure, had run ahead, called to me, and as I write +I seem to hear the echoes of "Karl! Karl!" which rang through the wood. +When I came up to her she proudly pointed to the place she had found. +</p> + +<p> +It was ideal. An outcrop of rock formed a miniature Matterhorn in the +forest, and beneath its shelter with the old trees as silent witnesses +we sat and joked and laughed, and made twenty attempts to light a fire. +</p> + +<p> +After lunch, a little incident happened which had an enormous effect on +me; Zoe asked me whether I would mind if she smoked. +</p> + +<p> +How many women in these days would think of doing that? And yet, had +she but known it, I am still sufficiently old-fashioned to appreciate +the implied respect for any possible prejudices which was contained in +her request. +</p> + +<p> +After lunch, I asked her a question to which I dreaded the answer. +</p> + +<p> +I asked her whether, now that the old Colonel had gone to the Somme, +whether that meant that she would be leaving Bruges. +</p> + +<p> +She laughed and teasingly said: "Quien sabe, señor," but seeing my real +anxiety on this point, she assured me that she was not leaving for the +present. The Colonel, she said, had a strange belief that once a man +had served on the Flanders Front, and especially on the Ypres salient, +he always came back to die there. +</p> + +<p> +It appears that the Colonel has done fourteen months' service on the +salient alone, and is firmly convinced he will end his career on that +great burial ground. As we were talking about the Colonel I longed to +ask her how she had met him, and perhaps find out why she lives with +him, for I cannot believe she loves him, but I did not dare. +</p> + +<p> +Strangely enough I found that a curious shyness had taken hold of me +with regard to Zoe. +</p> + +<p> +I said to myself, "Fool! you are alone with her, you long to kiss her; +you have kissed her, first at the dinner-party, secondly when you said +good-bye at her flat," and yet to-day it was different. +</p> + +<p> +Then I was kissing a pretty woman, I was on the eve of a dangerous +life, and I was simply extracting the animal pleasures whilst I lived. +</p> + +<p> +To-day it was a case of Zoe, the personality I loved; I still longed to +kiss her, but I wanted to have the unquestioned right to kiss her, as +much as I wanted the kisses. +</p> + +<p> +I wanted to have her for my own, away from the contaminating ownership +of the old Colonel, and I determined to get her. +</p> + +<p> +I think she noticed the changed attitude on my part, and perhaps she +felt herself that a subtle change in our relationship had taken place, +and whilst I meditated on these things she fell into a doze at my side. +</p> + +<p> +I was sitting slightly above her, smoking to keep the midges away, and +as I looked down on her childish figure a great tenderness for her +filled my mind. She is very beautiful and to me desirable above all +women; I can see her as she lay there trustfully at my feet. I will +describe her, and then, when I get her photograph, I will read this +when I am far away on a trip. +</p> + +<p> +She is of average height, for I am just over six feet and she reaches +to just above my shoulder. Her hair is gloriously thick and of a deep +black colour, and lies low on her forehead. Her complexion is of the +purest whiteness beyond compare, which but accentuates the red warmth +of the lips which encircle her little mouth. Her figure is slight and +her ankles are my delight, but her crowning glories, which I have +purposely left till last, are her eyes. +</p> + +<p> +I feel I could lose my soul; I have lost it, if I have one, in the +violet depths of those eyes, which were veiled as she slept by the long +black eyelashes which curled up delicately as they rested on her +cheeks. I have re-read this description, and it is oh, so unsatisfying; +would I had the pen of a Goethe or a Shakespeare, yet for want of more +skill the description shall stand. +</p> + +<p> +How I long for her to be mine, and yet, unfortunate that I am, I cannot +for certain declare that she loves me. +</p> + +<p> +A thousand doubts arise. I torment myself with recollections of her +behaviour at the dinner-party, when within two hours of our first +meeting she gave me her lips. +</p> + +<p> +Yet did I not first roughly kiss her as we danced? +</p> + +<p> +I find consolation in the fact that, though she has said nothing, yet +her conduct to-day was different. She was so quiet after tea as we +wandered back through the forests with the setting sun striking golden +beams aslant the tree trunks. +</p> + +<p> +Before we left I sang to her Tchaikowsky's beautiful song, "To the +Forest," and I think she was pleased, for I may say with justice that +my voice is of high quality for an amateur, and the song goes well +without an accompaniment, whilst the atmosphere and surroundings were +ideal. +</p> + +<p> +There was only one jarring note in a perfect day; when we returned to +the car the chauffeur permitted himself a sardonic grin. Zoe +unfortunately saw it and blushed scarlet. +</p> + +<p> +I could have struck him on his impudent mouth, but for her sake I +judged it advisable to notice nothing. +</p> + +<p> +I feel I could go on writing about her all night, but it is nearly 2 +a.m. I must get some sleep. +</p> + +<p> +The guns rumble steadily in the south-west, and the sky is lit by their +flashes; may the fighting on the Somme be bloody these coming days. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +[<i>Probably about ten days later.--Etienne.</i>] +</p> + +<p> +We leave to-night, having had a longer spell than usual. I am in a +distracted state of mind. Since our glorious day in the forest I have +seen her nearly every afternoon, though twice that swine Alten has kept +me in the boat in connection with some replacements of the battery. +</p> + +<p> +I have found out that, like me, she is intensely musical. She plays +beautifully on the piano, and we had long hours together playing Chopin +and Beethoven; we also played some of Moussorgsky's duets, but I love +her best when she plays Chopin, the composer pre-eminent of love and +passion. +</p> + +<p> +She has masses of music, as the Colonel gives her what she likes. We +also played a lot of Debussy. At first I demurred at playing a living +French composer's works, but she pouted and looked so adorable that all +my scruples vanished in an instant, so we closed all the doors and she +played it for hours very softly whilst I forgot the war and all its +horrors and remembered only that I was with the well-beloved girl. +</p> + +<p> +The Colonel writes from Thiepval, where the British are pouring out +their blood like water. He writes very interesting letters, and has had +many narrow escapes, but unfortunately he seems to bear a charmed life. +His letters are full of details, and I wonder he gets them past the +Field Censorship, but I suppose he censors his own. +</p> + +<p> +She laughs at them and calls them her Colonel's dispatches; she says he +is so accustomed to writing official reports that the poor old man +can't write an ordinary letter. +</p> + +<p> +I told her that I thought the way he mentioned regiments and +dispositions rather indiscreet, and she agrees, but she says he has +asked her to keep them, with a view to forming a collection of letters +written from the front whilst the incidents he describes are vivid in +his mind. I suppose the old ass knows his own business, and one day the +collection may be completed by a telegram "Regretting to announce, etc. +etc." The sooner the better. +</p> + +<p> +So the days passed pleasantly enough, and never by a gesture or word of +mouth did she show that I was more to her than any other pleasant young +man. +</p> + +<p> +I kissed her when I arrived, I kissed her when I left, each day was the +same. She would put her arms round my neck and look long and deeply +into my eyes, then she would gently kiss my lips. Not an atom of +emotion! not a spark from the fires which I feel must be raging beneath +that diabolically [<a href="#f6">6</a>] extraordinary [<a href="#f6">6</a>] amazingly calm exterior. +</p> + +<p class="ind"> +<a name="f6">6.</a> These words are crossed out.--ETIENNE. +</p> + +<p> +On ordinary subjects she would chatter vivaciously enough and she can +talk in a fascinating manner on every subject I care to bring up, but +as soon as I drew the conversation round to a personal line she +gradually became more silent and a far-away and distant look came into +those wonderful eyes. +</p> + +<p> +I have found out nothing about her beyond the fact that she has +travelled all over Europe. I don't even know how old she is, but I +should guess twenty-six. +</p> + +<p> +I tried to find out a few details by means of discreet remarks at the +Club and elsewhere. +</p> + +<p> +She simply arrived here about a year ago--as a singer, and met the +Colonel--beyond that, all is mystery. Everything about her attracts me +powerfully, and this mystery adds subtleties to her charms. +</p> + +<p> +This afternoon I went to say good-bye; I told her we were leaving +"shortly," and she gently reproved me for disobeying the order which +forbids discussion of movements, but I could see she was not greatly +displeased. +</p> + +<p> +After tea she played to me, music of the modern Russian +school--Arensky, Sibelius and Pilsuki; a storm was brewing and we both +felt sad. +</p> + +<p> +She played for an hour or so, and then came and sat by me on a low +divan by the fire. We were silent for a long while in the gathering +gloom, whilst a thousand thoughts chased each other swiftly through my +brain, as I endeavoured to summon up courage to say what I had +determined I must say before I left her, perhaps for ever. +</p> + +<p> +At last, when only her profile was visible against the glow of the +logs, I spoke. +</p> + +<p> +I told her quietly, calmly and almost dispassionately that I had grown +to love her and that to me she was life itself. I told her that I had +tried not to speak until I could endure no longer. +</p> + +<p> +She sat very still as I spoke, and when I had finished there was a long +silence and I gently stretched out my hand and stroked her lovely black +hair. At last she rose and with averted face walked across the room, +and stood looking at the storm through the big bow windows. I watched +her, but did not dare follow. +</p> + +<p> +At length she returned to me, and I saw what I had instinctively known +the whole time--that she had been crying. I could not think why. +</p> + +<p> +She put her arms round my neck, kissed me on the forehead and murmured, +"Poor Karl." +</p> + +<p> +I felt crushed; I dared not move for fear of breaking the magic of the +moment, yet I longed to know more; I felt overwhelmed by some colossal +mystery that seemed to be enveloping me in its folds. Why did she pity +me? Why did she weep? Why didn't she answer my avowal? Why didn't she +tell me something? Such were some of the problems that perplexed me. +</p> + +<p> +It was thus when the clock chimed seven. I told her that my leave was +up at seven o'clock, and that at 7.15 I had to be back on board the +boat. She remembered this, and in an instant the past quarter of an +hour might never have existed. She was all agitation and nervousness +lest I should be late on board--though at the moment I would have +cheerfully missed the boat to hear her say she loved me. +</p> + +<p> +I tried to protest, but in vain. With feminine quickness she utilized +the incident to avoid a situation she evidently found full of +difficulty, and at 7.10, with the memory of a light kiss on my lips and +her God-speed in my ears I was in a taxi driving to the docks in a +blinding rain-storm--and we sail to-night. +</p> + +<p> +For five, six, seven, perhaps ten days at the least, and at the most +for ever, I am doomed to be away from her and without news of her. And +I don't even know whether she loves me! +</p> + +<p> +I think I can say she cares for me up to a certain point, but I want +more. +</p> + +<p class="ind"> + "Oh Zoe! of the violet eyes,<br> + And hair of blackest night<br> + Thy lips are brightest crimson,<br> + Thy skin is dazzling white. +</p> + +<p class="ind"> + "Oh! lay your head upon my breast,<br> + And lift your lips to mine;<br> + Then murmur in soft breathings,<br> + Drink deep from what is thine. +</p> + +<p class="ind"> + "Then let the war rage onward,<br> + Let kingdoms rise and fall;<br> + To each shall be the other,<br> + Their life, their hope, their all." [<a href="#f7">7</a>] +</p> + +<p class="ind"> +<a name="f7">7.</a> I am indebted to Commander C. C. for the above rough +translation of Karl's effusion.--ETIENNE. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +<i>At sea.</i> +</p> + +<p> +We are bound for the same old spot as last time. +</p> + +<p> +Alten must have been drinking like a fish lately; his breath smells +like a distillery; he is apparently partial to schnapps, which he gets +easily in Bruges. +</p> + +<p> +I can't help admiring the man, as he is a rigid teetotaller at sea, +though he must find the strain well nigh intolerable, judging from the +condition he was in when he came on board last night. He was really +totally unfit to take charge of the boat, and I virtually took her down +the canal, though with sottish obstinacy he insisted on remaining on +the bridge. +</p> + +<p> +This morning, though his complexion was a hideous yellow colour, he +seems quite all right. I shall play a little trick on him at dinner +to-night. +</p> + +<p> +I have begun to get to know some of the crew by now; they are a fine +lot of youngsters with a seasoning of half a dozen older men. The +coxswain, Schmitt by name, is a splendid old petty officer who has been +in the U-boat service since 1911. +</p> + +<p> +His favourite enjoyment is to spin yarns to the younger members of the +crew, who know of his weakness and play up to it. +</p> + +<p> +He has a favourite expression which runs thus: +</p> + +<p> +"His Majesty the Kaiser said Germany's future lies on the sea; I say +Germany's future lies under the sea." +</p> + +<p> +He is inordinately fond of this statement, and the youngsters +continually say: "What made you take to U-boat work, Schmitt?" and the +invariable reply is as above. When he has been asked the question about +half a dozen times in the course of a day, he is liable to become +suspicious, and if his questioner is within range Schmitt stares at him +for a few seconds in an absent-minded way, then an arm like that of a +gorilla shoots out, and the quizzer (<i>Untersucher</i>) receives a +resounding box on the ears to the huge delight of his companions. The +old man then permits his iron-lipped mouth to relax into a caustic +smile, after which he is left in peace for some time. +</p> + +<p> +At the wheel he is an artist, for he seems to divine what the next +order is going to be, or if he is steering her on a course he predicts +the direction of the next wave even as a skilful chess player works out +the moves ahead. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +I am rather weary and ought to go to bed, but before I lose the savour +I must record the splendid fun I had with Alten at dinner. +</p> + +<p> +We were dining alone, as the navigator was on the bridge, and the +engineer was busy with a slight leak in the cooking water service. I +have said that, though a heavy drinker by nature, Alten is a strict +abstainer at sea. Accordingly I produced a small flask of rum, half-way +through dinner, and helped myself to a liberal tot, placing the liquor +between us on the table. As the sight met his eyes and the aroma +greeted his nostrils, a gleam of joy flashed across his face, to be +succeeded by a frown. +</p> + +<p> +With an amiable smile I proffered the flask to him, remarking at the +same time: "You don't drink at sea, do you?" +</p> + +<p> +In a thick voice he muttered, "No! Yes--no! thank you." +</p> + +<p> +With an air of having noticed nothing, I resumed my meal, but out of +the corner of my eye I watched his left hand on the table near the +flask. It was most interesting, all the veins stood out like ropes, and +his knuckles almost burst through the skin. +</p> + +<p> +This went on for about thirty seconds, when he choked out something +about needing a breath of fresh air. As he got up his face was brick +red, and I almost thought he'd have a fit. +</p> + +<p> +Whether by accident or design he pulled the cloth as he got out from +between the settee and the table and upset the flask. +</p> + +<p> +He was apparently incapable of apologizing, for he rushed up on deck. +</p> + +<p> +A few minutes later the navigating officer came down and asked what was +up? +</p> + +<p> +I said: "What do you mean?" +</p> + +<p> +He said: "Well, the Captain came up just now, swearing like a trooper, +and told me to get to the devil out of it; it didn't seem advisable to +question him, so I got out of it and came down." +</p> + +<p> +I expressed my opinion that the Captain must be feeling sea-sick and +was ashamed to say so. I also suggested to the navigator that he should +take the Captain a little brandy in case he was not feeling well, but +the navigator declared he was going to stay down in the warmth till he +was sent for. Alten is a great coarse brute. Fancy allowing a material +substance such as alcohol to grip one's mentality. +</p> + +<p> +Thank Heaven I have nerves of iron; nothing would affect me! +</p> + +<p> +And now to bed, though I must just read my account of our day in the +forest. Darling girl, may I dream of thee. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +We laid our mines without trouble at 5 a.m. this morning, though at +midnight we had a most unpleasant experience. +</p> + +<p> +I was asleep, as it was my morning watch, when I was awakened by the +harsh rattle of the diving alarms. +</p> + +<p> +The Diesel subsided with a few spasmodic coughs into silence, and as I +jumped out of my bunk and groped for my short sea boots, the navigator +and helmsman came tumbling down the conning tower, with the navigator +shouting, "Take her down," as hard as you like. +</p> + +<p> +The men at the planes had them "hard-to-dive" in an instant. +</p> + +<p> +The vents had been opened as the hooters sounded, and Alten, who had +jumped into the control room, immediately rang down, "All out on the +electric motors." +</p> + +<p> +In thirty seconds from the original alarm we were at an angle of twenty +degrees down by the bow, and I had sat down heavily on the battery +boards, completely surprised by the sudden tilt of the deck. +</p> + +<p> +It occurred to me that the air was escaping through the vents with a +strangely loud noise, but before I could consider the matter further or +even inquire the reason for this sudden dive, the noise increased to a +terrifying extent, and whilst I prepared myself for the worst it +culminated into a roar as of fifty express trains going through a +tunnel, mingled with the noise of a high-powered aeroplane engine. +</p> + +<p> +The roar drummed and beat and shook the boat, then died away as +suddenly as it came; a moment later there was a severe jar. We had +struck the bottom, still maintaining our angle. +</p> + +<p> +I painfully got to my feet and then discovered from the navigator that +he had suddenly seen two white patches of foam 800 yards on the +starboard bow, which resolved themselves into the bow waves of a +destroyer approaching at full speed to ram. +</p> + +<p> +We had dived just in time, and her knife-edged bow, driven by 30,000 +horse power, had slid through the water a very few feet above our +conning tower. +</p> + +<p> +Luckily he had not dropped any depth charges. We were not, however, +completely free of our troubles, though we had cheated the destroyer. +</p> + +<p> +Examination of the chart, showed the bottom to be mud, and on +attempting to move the foremost hydroplanes, the plane motor fuses blew +out. This showed that the boat was buried in the mud right up to her +foremost planes, which were immovable. +</p> + +<p> +The hydrophone watchkeeper reported that he could still hear +fast-running propellers, though probably some distance away, and as +this showed that our old enemy was still nosing about we were very +anxious not to break surface. We just blew "A." [<a href="#f8">8</a>] At least we started +to blow "A," but Alten wisely decided that, as it was a calm night with +a half-moon, the bubbles on the surface might be rather conspicuous, so +we stopped the blow and put the pump on. We also flooded "W". [<a href="#f9">9</a>] This +had no effect on her at all. +</p> + +<p class="ind"> +<a name="f8">8.</a> Probably their foremost internal tank.--ETIENNE. +</p> + +<p class="ind"> +<a name="f9">9.</a> Presumably their after internal tank.--ETIENNE. +</p> + +<p> +We then pumped out "Q" and "P," leaving "W" full, and adjusted our trim +to give her only three tons negative buoyancy, just enough to keep us +on the bottom if she came out of the mud. +</p> + +<p> +In this position we went full speed astern on the motors, 1,500 amps on +each, and all the crew in the after-compartment. No result. We then +pumped the outer diving tanks on the port side to give her a list to +starboard. Still she remained fixed. +</p> + +<p> +So at 2 a.m. we decided to risk it and we put a slow blow on all tanks. +</p> + +<p> +When she had about fifty tons positive buoyancy she suddenly bucketed +up, and, as the motors were running full speed astern at the time, we +came up and broke surface stern first. In a few seconds we were trimmed +down again, and as a precautionary measure we proceeded for a couple of +miles at twenty metres, when, coming up to periscope depth, we +surfaced, and finding all clear we proceeded. We were put down by a +trawler at dawn, though she never saw us. After half an hour's hanging +about she moved off, which was lucky, as she was right on our billet. +</p> + +<p> +We are now proceeding to a spot somewhat to the eastward of Cape St. +Abbs, [<a href="#f10">10</a>] as we have instructions to do a two-days patrol here and sink +shipping. +</p> + +<p class="ind"> +<a name="f10">10.</a> St. Abbs Head.--ETIENNE +</p> + +<p> +We ought to start business to-morrow morning. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +We should be in to-night, then for my little Zoe! +</p> + +<p> +But I must record what we have done. Already I am getting much pleasure +from reading my diary. Strange how it amuses one to see little bits of +oneself on paper, and the less garnished and franker the truths the +more entertaining it is. +</p> + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/083a.jpg"><img src="images/083ath.jpg" alt="The torpedo had jumped clean out of the water a hundred yards short of the steamer and had then dived under her"></a> +</p> + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/083b.jpg"><img src="images/083bth.jpg" alt="We were put down by a trawler at dawn"></a> +</p> + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/084.jpg"><img src="images/084th.jpg" alt="A moment later there was a severe jar; we had struck the bottom"></a> +</p> + +<p> +The hours here are so long and boring at times that I feel I want to +talk intimately with someone. Failing Zoe I turn to my notebooks. +</p> + +<p> +The first steamer we sighted raised high hopes, at least her smoke did, +for we saw enough smoke on the horizon to make us think we were to see +the Grand Fleet, and we promptly dived. We cruised towards her for +about half an hour, and then hung about where we were, as we found that +her course would take the ship close to us. +</p> + +<p> +As the situation developed, Alten, who was up in the conning tower at +the "A" periscope, gave us a certain amount of information, and we +gathered that all this smoke was pouring out of the pipe-stem tunnel of +a wretched little English tramp. +</p> + +<p> +I found it most irritating, standing in the control room (my action +station) and not knowing what was going on. +</p> + +<p> +There is only one good job in a submarine and that is the Captain's. He +knows and decides everything. The rest of us are in his hands and take +things on trust. I object on principle to my life being held in Alten's +hands. It is all very well for the crew, for, to start with, they have +no imagination, and to most of them their mental horizon stops at the +walls of the boat. Secondly, they have the consolation of mechanical +activities; they make and break switches and open and close +valves--they work with their hands. An officer has imagination, and +only works with his head. +</p> + +<p> +As we attacked the steamer, all one heard was murmurs from Alten, such +as: "Raise!" "Lower!" "Take her down to ten metres!" "Half speed!" +"Slow!" "Bring her up to five metres!" "Raise!" "Lower!" +</p> + +<p> +I endeavoured to simulate an air of unconcern which I was far from +feeling. +</p> + +<p> +Not that I was a prey to physical fear; I flatter myself it is so far +unknown to me, and there was no great danger, but simply that I longed +to know what was happening. At length I heard the welcome order: +</p> + +<p> +"Starboard tube. Stand by!" +</p> + +<p> +Which was followed almost immediately by the order: "Fire!" +</p> + +<p> +There was a kind of coughing grunt, and the starboard torpedo proceeded +on its errand of destruction. +</p> + +<p> +Every ear was strained for the sound of the explosion, but all we were +vouchsafed was a torrent of blasphemy from Alten. +</p> + +<p> +The torpedo had jumped clean out of the water a hundred yards short of +the steamer, and had then evidently dived under the ship; so I gathered +later when Alten had calmed down somewhat. We were about to surface and +give her the gun, when luckily Alten took a good sweep round with the +skyscraper and discovered one of those wretched little airships about a +mile away, coming towards the steamer, which was wailing piteously, on +her syren. +</p> + +<p> +As the chart showed forty metres we decided to bottom and have lunch. +</p> + +<p> +Over lunch we discussed the misadventure. Alten was loud in his curses +of Tanzerman (the torpedo lieutenant at Bruges), from whom he had got +the torpedo in guaranteed good condition only forty-eight hours before +we sailed. He launched forth into a tirade against the torpedo staff at +Bruges, and, warming to his subject, he roundly abused the whole of the +depot personnel, whom he stigmatized as a set of hard-drinking, +shore-loafing ruffians, who were incapable of realizing that they +existed for the benefit of the boats' personnel and "material." +</p> + +<p> +I naturally disagreed, and did so the more readily that I +conscientiously disagree with him. I find that there is a tendency on +the part of some of these submarine officers, who have been U-boating a +long time, to get into narrow grooves. Most reserve officers are not +like this, as they have only been in during the war. Alten is an +exception; he left the Hamburg-Amerika on two years' half pay in 1912, +and was, of course, kept on in 1914. After all, the depot staff are +Germans, and as such labour for the Fatherland, and though their work +in office and workship is not so dangerous as ours, on the other hand +they have not got the stimulation before their eyes, of glory to be +gained. Personally I am of the opinion that the torpedo broke surface +because, being fired from the outside tubes, it probably started too +shallow, dived deep, recovered shallow and dived deep, broke surface +and dived very deep. A sticky motor or sluggish weight would give this +effect. +</p> + +<p> +And are these external tubes water-tight? Theoretically, yes, but what +of practice? We have been down to forty metres several times during +this trip, and not once have we had a chance on the surface of getting +at the two external tubes; add to which our depth gear, with the pivots +of the weight exposed to water if the tube does flood and then you have +rust, corrosion and heaven knows what complications. +</p> + +<p> +I saw a British Mark 11.50 torpedo at the torpedo shop at Bruges the +other day, and I was much struck with their deep depth gear, which is +of the unrestrained Uhlan type, i.e., weight and valve interdependent. +But then the main feature is that the whole gear is contained in a +separate water-tight chamber. +</p> + +<p> +Our system is certainly a great saving in space, and is much neater in +design, whilst I prefer the Uhlan principle of valve conjuncting with +weight, but it would be interesting to know whether the British have +much trouble with the depth-keeping of their torpedo. +</p> + +<p> +I have written quite a disquisition on depth gears; I must get on with +my record of events. +</p> + +<p> +After lunch we had a good look round, but the small airship was still + +hanging about, flying slowly in large circles. +</p> + +<p> +We were rather surprised to meet one of these despicable little +sausages or "Zeppelin's Spawn," as the navigator calls them, so far +from land, and at dark we surfaced and proceeded on one engine on an +easterly course, charging the battery right up with the other engine. +</p> + +<p> +Dawn revealed a blank horizon, not a vestige of mast, funnel or smoke +in sight. +</p> + +<p> +We ambled along in fine though cold weather, and I took advantage of +the peacefulness of everything to do a really good series of Müller on +the upper deck, stripped to the waist, and allowed the keen air to play +its invigorating currents on my torso. +</p> + +<p> +Alten silently watched me from the conning tower, with a sneering +expression on his face. The navigator, who is quite a decent youngster, +though of no family, was, I could plainly see, struck by my +development, and asked to be initiated into the series of exercises. I +agreed willingly enough to show them to him. I will confess I wish Zoe +could have seen me as I perspired with healthy exercise. +</p> + +<p> +At about 11 a.m. a couple of masts, then two more, then another, +appeared above the horizon. The visibility was extreme, so we at once +dived and proceeded at full speed, ten metres. +</p> + +<p> +We had been going thus for perhaps half an hour when Alten remarked +that he would have another look at the convoy. We eased speed, came up +to six metres, and Alten proceeded up into the conning tower to use "A" +periscope. +</p> + +<p> +He had hardly applied his eye to the lens when he sharply ordered the +boat to ten metres, accompanying this order with another to the motor +room demanding utmost speed (<i>Ausserste Kraft</i>). I went up to the +conning tower and found him white with excitement. +</p> + +<p> +"Look!" he exclaimed, pointing to the periscope, entirely forgetful of +the fact that we were at ten metres. I looked, and of course saw +nothing; furious at the trick I considered he had played on me I turned +on him, to be disarmed by his apology. +</p> + +<p> +"Sorry! I forgot! The whole British battle cruiser force is there." +</p> + +<p> +It was now my turn to be excited, and I rushed down to the motor room +determined to give her every amp she would take. The port foremost +motor was sparking like the devil, rings of cursed sparks shooting +round the commutator, but this was no time for ceremony. I relentlessly +ordered the field current to be still further reduced. +</p> + +<p> +We were actually running with an F.C. of 3.75 amps, [<a href="#f11">11</a>] for a period, +when the sparking assumed the appearance of a ring of fire and, fearing +a commutator strip would melt, I ordered an F.C. of five amps. +</p> + +<p class="ind"> +<a name="f11">11.</a> The lower the field current the faster the motor goes. +3.75 is almost incredibly low for a motor of this type--at least +according to British practice.--ETIENNE. +</p> + +<p> +We thus passed a quarter of an hour full of strain, the tension of +which was reflected in the attitude of all the men. Alten had announced +his intention of using the stern torpedo tube after his failure in the +morning, and the crew of this tube were crouched at their stations like +a gun's crew in the last few seconds preparatory to opening fire. The +switchboard attendants gripped the regulating rheostatts as if by their +personal efforts they could urge the boat on faster. Old Schmitt, at +the helm, never lifted his eyes from the compass repeater. +</p> + +<p> +At length: "Slow both!" "Bring her to six metres!" came from the +conning tower, to which place I proceeded to hear the news. +</p> + +<p> +Slowly the periscope was raised and I held my breath; a groan came from +Alten and he turned away. For a fraction of a second I was almost +pleased at his obvious pain, then, sick with disappointment, I took his +place. + +Yes! it was all over. There they were, and with hungry eyes and +depressed heart I saw five great battle cruisers, of which I recognized +the <i>Tiger</i> with her three great funnels, the <i>Princess Royal</i>, <i>Lion</i> +and two others, zigzagging along at 25 knots, at a distance of 12,000 +metres, across our bow. +</p> + +<p> +They were surrounded by a numerous screen of destroyers and light +cruisers, the former at that range through the periscope appearing as +black smudges. +</p> + +<p> +It is not often one is permitted such a spectacle in modern war, and I +could not tear myself away from the sight of those great brutes, whom I +had fought when in the <i>Derflingger</i> at Dogger Bank and again when in +the <i>König</i> at Jutland. So near and yet so far, and as they rapidly +drew away so did all the visions of an Iron Cross. As soon as they were +out of sight, we surfaced in order to report what we had seen to +Zeebrugge and Heligoland. +</p> + +<p> +Everything seemed against us. I had gone on the bridge with the +navigator; Alten, with a face as black as hell, had gone to the +wardroom. About ten minutes elapsed when I heard a fearful altercation +going on below. I stepped down to find the young wireless operator +trembling in front of Alten, who was overwhelming him with a flood of +abuse. As I reached the wardroom, Alten shook his fist in the man's +face and bellowed: +</p> + +<p> +"Make the d---- thing work, I tell you." +</p> + +<p> +"Impossible, Captain, the main condenser----" the man began. +</p> + +<p> +Purple with rage, Alten seized a heavy pair of parallel rulers, and +before I could check him hurled them full in the operator's face. +Bleeding copiously, the youth fell to the deck in a stunned condition. +</p> + +<p> +It was then, for the first time, that I noticed a half-empty bottle of +spirits on the table, which colossal quantity he must have consumed in +about a quarter of an hour. +</p> + +<p> +Turning to me, this semi-madman pointed to the wireless operator with +his foot and growled: +</p> + +<p> +"Have him removed." +</p> + +<p> +This I did, and then, lowering the periscope, I ordered the boat to +fifteen metres. We proceeded at this depth until 8 p.m., when I was +informed that the Captain was in his bunk and wished to see me. +</p> + +<p> +I discovered him with his face to the ship's side, and upon my +reporting myself he ordered me, firstly to throw that blasted bottle +overboard (an unnecessary proceeding, as it was empty), and secondly to +surface and shape course for Zeebrugge. +</p> + +<p> +At midnight he relieved me, apparently perfectly normal. +</p> + +<p> +The wireless operator has been laid up all day and has a nasty cut on +the head. The navigator, a great scandal-monger, has heard from the +engineer that Alten was speaking to him alone this morning, and the +engineer believes that Alten has given him five hundred marks to say he +fell down a hatch. +</p> + +<p> +Hooray! Blankenberg buoy has just been reported in sight! Soon I shall +see my Zoe! +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +With what high hopes did I write the last few lines a few hours ago, +and how they were dashed to the ground, for on going into the Mess at +Bruges I found amongst my letters a note from her, which was terrible +in its brevity. She simply said: +</p> + +<p> +"DEAR KARL, +</p> + +<p> +"I am going away for some days, and as I shall be travelling it is no +good giving you an address. To our next meeting! +</p> + +<p> +"ZOE." +</p> + +<p> +How horribly vague; not an indication of her destination, her object, +or the probable length of her absence. Of course I rushed round to the +flat, but found the place shut up. The porter told me she had gone away +with her maid. He couldn't say when she'd be back--if at all! I gave +him ten marks, and he said she might be away a fortnight. If I'd given +him twenty he'd have said a week; he obviously didn't know. +</p> + +<p> +I feel I could do anything to-night; any mad, evil thing would appeal +to me. +</p> + +<p> +There is a most fearful uproar coming from the guest-room, where a +large and rowdy party are entertaining the chorus of a travelling +<i>revue</i> company. I saw them when they arrived, horribly common-looking +women, with legs like mine tubes. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Another day and still no news; I don't know how I shall stick it. She +might have had the softness of heart to write to me. She knows my +address. +</p> + +<p> +This evening a letter from the little mother, who asks whether I can +find time to go to Frankfurt when I have leave; at the end of the +letter she mentions that Rosa has joined the Women's Voluntary +Auxiliary Corps of Army Nurses. I suppose she thought she'd like her +photograph taken in some fancy uniform as "Rosa Freinland, one of our +Frankfurt beauties, now on war work!" Holding the patient's hand is +about the only work she intends doing. +</p> + +<p> +Women as a class are the same the world over. We are well supplied with +English papers in the Mess here; they come regularly from Amsterdam, +and in their pages I see, just as in ours, pictures of the Countess +this and the Lord that, photographed in becoming attitudes doing war +work. It seems agricultural pursuits are the fashion in England at +present--wait till our U-boat war gets its knife well into their fat +guts, it will be more than fashionable to work in the fields then. +</p> + +<p> +The British Empire is undeniably a great creation, or rather not so +much a creation as a thing arrived at accidentally, but it lacks +solidarity. It sprawls, a confused mass of races and creeds, around the +world. Its very immensity lays it open to attack, it has a dozen +Achilles heels from Ireland to Egypt and South Africa to India. +</p> + +<p> +I met a man only yesterday who was recently at the propaganda +department of the Foreign Office, and without going into details he +gave me a very good idea of the good work that is going on in Britain's +canker spots. +</p> + +<p> +Ireland is considered particularly promising to those in the know. +</p> + +<p> +Now for an agitated night! To think that a girl should disturb me so! +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Two days have passed, or, rather, dragged their interminable lengths +away, for there is still not a vestige of news. I have been twice to +the flat with no result, except to receive a piece of impertinence from +the porter the last time I was there. +</p> + +<p> +No news. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Still no news, and we sail in forty-eight hours. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +<i>At sea, off the Isle of Wight</i>. +</p> + +<p> +It is some days since I turned for solace and enjoyment, amidst the +discomforts of this life, to my pen and notebook. +</p> + +<p> +What strange tricks fate plays with us, and how lucky it is that one +cannot foresee the future. +</p> + +<p> +Here I am in U.39--but I must start at the beginning. My last entry was +the depressing one of still no news. Well, I have had news, but it was +like a drop of water in the mouth of a parched-up man. Another +agonizing twenty-four hours passed, and I was sitting in my room about +ten o'clock, trying to resign myself to the idea that the next night I +should be starting out for my third trip without news of her, when the +telephone bell rang. I lifted the receiver and to my amazed joy heard a +voice that I could have recognized in a thousand. It was Zoe! +</p> + +<p> +I was quite incapable of any remark, and my confusion was further +increased when, after a few "Hello's," which I idiotically repeated, +her clear, level tones said: "Is that you, Karl? How are you?" How was +I? What a question to ask! I wanted to tell her that I was bubbling +with joy, that a thousand-kilogramme load had been lifted from my +chest, that my blood was coursing through my veins, that I, usually so +cool, was trembling with excitement, that I could have kissed the +mouthpiece of the humble instrument that linked us together. Yet I was +quite incapable of answering her simple question! I can't imagine what +I expected her to say, for upon reflection her remark was a very +ordinary one, and indeed under the circumstances quite natural, but, as +I say, in actual fact I was tongue-tied. +</p> + +<p> +I suppose I must have said something, for I next remember her saying: +"Well, you might ask how I am;" and to my horror I realized that she +thought I was being rude! +</p> + +<p> +My abject apologies were cut short by her tantalizing laugh, and I +understood that the adorable one was teasing me. When at length I made +myself believe that I really was talking to this most elusive and +delightful woman I wasted no time in suggesting that, late though it +was, I might be permitted to go round and see her. She would not permit +this, as she said it would create grave scandal, and the Colonel might +hear about it upon his return. I pleaded hard and urged my departure in +twenty-four hours. +</p> + +<p> +She was firm and reproved me for discussing movements over the +telephone. She was right; I was a fool to do so; but Zoe destroys all +my caution. However, she said that I might lunch with her next day, and +that she had some new music to play to me. I ventured to ask where she +had been, but this question was plainly unpleasing to my lady, so I +dropped the subject. I blew her a goodnight kiss over the telephone, to +which I think I caught an answer, and then she rang off. +</p> + +<p> +Ten minutes had not elapsed, when a messenger entered and informed me +that I was wanted at the Commodore's office at once. +</p> + +<p> +A strange feeling of uneasiness and that of impending misfortune +overcame me. I felt like a naughty school-boy about to interview the +headmaster. +</p> + +<p> +I followed the messenger into the Commodore's office, and found myself +alone with the great man. He was seated at a huge roll-top desk, which +was the only article of furniture in a room which was to all intents +and purposes papered with large scale charts of the east and south +coasts of England and of the Channel and North Sea. +</p> + +<p> +The Commodore was sealing an envelope as I came in; he looked up and +saw me, then, without taking any further notice of me, he resumed his +business with the envelope. I felt that I was in the presence of a +personality, and I was, for "Old Man Max" is one of the ten men who +count in the Naval Administration. He had a reading lamp on his desk, +and I remember noticing that the light shining through its green shade +imparted a yellow parchment-like effect to the top of his old bald +head. With dainty care he finished sealing the envelope, then, picking +up a telephone transmitter, he snapped "Admiralty!" In about a minute +he was connected, and to my astonishment I realized that he was talking +to the duty captain of the operations department in Berlin. +</p> + +<p> +His words chilled my heart, for he said: "Commodore speaking! U.39 +sails at 2 a.m. for operation F.Q.H.--Repeat." +</p> + +<p> +His words were apparently repeated to his satisfaction, for while I was +vainly endeavouring to convince myself that I was unconnected with the +sailing of U.39, he banged the receiver into place (Old Man Max does +everything in bangs) and snapped at me. +</p> + +<p> +"You Lieutenant Von Schenk?" +</p> + +<p> +I admitted I was, and then heard this disgusting news. +</p> + +<p> +"Kranz, 1st Lieutenant U.39, reported suddenly ill, Zeebrugge, +poisoning--you relieve him. Ship sails in one hour forty minutes from +now--my car leaves here in forty minutes and takes you to Zeebrugge. +Here are operation orders--inform Von Weissman he acknowledges receipt +direct to me on 'phone. That's all." +</p> + +<p> +He handed me the envelope and I suppose I walked outside--at least I +found myself in the corridor turning the confounded envelope round and +round. For one mad moment I felt like rushing in and saying: "But, sir, +you don't understand I'm lunching with Zoe to-morrow!" +</p> + +<p> +Then the mental picture which this idea conjured up made me shake with +suppressed laughter and I remembered that war was war and that I had +only thirty-five minutes in which to collect such gear as I had +handy--most of my sea things being in U.C.47--and say goodbye to Zoe. +</p> + +<p> +I ran to my room and made the corridors echo with shouts for my +faithful Adolf. The excellent man was soon on the scene, and whilst he +stuffed underclothing, towels and other necessary gear into a bag he +had purloined from someone's room, I rang up Zoe. I wasted ten minutes +getting through, but at last I heard a deliciously sleepy voice murmur, +"Who's that?" +</p> + +<p> +I told her, and added that I was off; to my secret joy, an intensely +disappointed and long-drawn "Oooh!" came over the wire. So she does +care a bit, I thought. Mad ideas of pretending to be suddenly ill +crossed my mind--anything to gain twenty-four hours--but the Fatherland +is above all such considerations, and after some pleasant talk and many +wishes of good luck from the darling girl, with a heavy heart I bade +her good-night. +</p> + +<p> +The Old Man's car, which is a sixty horse-power Benz, was waiting at +the Mess entrance, and once clear of the sentries we raced down the +flat, well-metalled road to Zeebrugge in a very short time. The guard +at Bruges barrier had 'phoned us through to the Zeebrugge fortified +zone, and we were admitted without delay. In three-quarters of an hour +from my interview with old Max I was scrambling across a row of U-boats +to reach my new ship, U.39. +</p> + +<p> +I went down the after hatch, reported myself to Von Weissman and +delivered his orders to him, of which he acknowledged receipt direct to +the Commodore according to instructions. Von Weissman is a very +different stamp of man to Alten; of medium height, he has +sandy-coloured hair, steel-grey eyes and a protruding jaw. He is what +he looks, a fine North Prussian, and is, of course, of excellent +family, as the Weissmans have been settled in Grinetz for a long +period. +</p> + +<p> +He struck me as being about thirty years of age, and on his heart he +wore the Cross of the second class. I have heard of him before as being +well in the running towards an <i>ordre pour le mérite</i>. +</p> + +<p> +An interesting chart is hanging in the wardroom, on which is marked the +last resting-place of every ship he has sunk. He puts a coloured dot, +the tint of which varies with the tonnage, black up to 2,000, blue from +2,000-5,000, brown 5,000-8,000, green 8,000-11,000, and a red spot with +the ship's name for anything over 11,000. He has got about 120,000 tons +at present. He opposes the Arnauld de la Perrière school of thought, +which pins faith on the gun, and Weissman has done nearly all his work +with the good old torpedo. +</p> + +<p> +Altogether, undoubtedly a man to serve with. +</p> + +<p> +The U.39 was in that buzzing and semi-active condition which to a +trained eye is a sure indication that the ship is about to sail. +Punctually at five minutes to 2 a.m. Weissman went to the bridge, and +at 2 a.m. the wires were slipped and we started on a ten days' trip. As +the dim lights on the mole disappeared and the ceaseless fountain of +star-shells, mingling with the flashing of guns, rose inland on our +port beam my mind travelled overland to the flat at Bruges, and I +wondered whether Zoe was lying awake listening to the ceaseless rumble +of the Flanders cannon. We went on at full speed, as it was our +intention to pass the Dover Straits before dawn. Though our +intelligence bureau issues the most alarming reports as to the +frightfulness of the defences here I was agreeably surprised at the +ease with which we passed. Von Weissman, to whom I had hinted that we +might find the passage tricky, rather laughed at my suggestion, and +described to me his method, which, at all events, has the merit of +simplicity. +</p> + +<p> +He always goes through with the tide, so as to take as short a time as +possible, and he always decides on a course and steers it as closely as +possible, keeping to the surface unless he sights anything, and diving +as soon as anything shows up. Even if he dives he goes on as fast as +possible on his course, irrespective of whether he is being bombed or +not. +</p> + +<p> +I must say it worked very well last night. We shaped a course to pass +five miles west of Gris Nez, and when that light, which for some reason +the French had commodiously lit that night, was abeam, we sighted a +black object, probably a trawler or destroyer, about half a dozen miles +away right ahead. Weissman immediately dived and, without deviating a +degree from his course, held on at three-quarters speed on the motors. +Some time later the hydrophone watchkeeper reported the sound of +propellers in his listeners, and that he judged them to be close at +hand, so I imagine we passed very nearly directly underneath whatever +it was. +</p> + +<p> +After an hour's submerging we rose, and found dawn breaking over a +leaden and choppy sea. Nothing being in sight, we continued on the +surface for an hour, charging batteries with the starboard engine (500 +amps on each), but at 9 a.m., the clouds lying low and an aerial patrol +being frequent hereabouts, we dived and cruised steadily down channel +at slow speed, keeping periscope depth. +</p> + +<p> +Several times in the course of the forenoon we sighted small destroyers +and convoy craft [<a href="#f12">12</a>] in the distance, all steering westerly. They were +probably returning from escorting troopships over to France last night. +In every case we went to sixty feet long before they could have seen +our "stick." [<a href="#f13">13</a>] Weissman is evidently as cautious in this matter as he +is hardy in others; the more I see of him the more I like him; he is a +man of breeding, and it is of value to serve in this boat. +</p> + +<p class="ind"> +<a name="f12">12.</a> Probably "P" boats.--ETIENNE. +</p> + +<p class="ind"> +<a name="f13">13.</a> Periscope.--ETIENNE. +</p> + +<p> +As I write we are on the surface about ten miles east of the Isle of +Wight, still steering down channel. To-night at midnight we report our +position to Zeebrugge, up till now we have maintained wireless silence +for fear of the British and French directional stations picking up our +signals and fixing our position. +</p> + +<p> +After supper this evening Von Weissman explained to me the general plan +of our operations for the next eight days. Our cruising billet is about +150 miles south-west of the Scillys, at the focal point where trade for +Liverpool and Bristol and the up-channel trade diverges. Von Weissman +says that this is a plum billet and we should do well. +</p> + +<p> +I feel this is going to be better than those piffling little +mine-laying trips, and though we shall be away ten days, it will +qualify me for four days' leave in Belgium. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +There was nearly an awkward moment last night, or, rather, there was an +awkward moment, and nearly an awkward accident. I relieved the +navigator at midnight (the pilot is an unassuming individual called +Siegel) and took on the middle watch. It was blowing about force 4 from +the south-west, and a nasty short, lumpy sea was running which caught +us just on the port bow. About once every ten seconds she missed her +step with the waves and, dipping her nose into it, shovelled up tons of +water, which, as the bow lifted, raced aft and, breaking against the +gun, flung itself in clouds of spray against the bridge. In a very few +minutes every exposed portion of me was streaming with water. +</p> + +<p> +At about 2 a.m. I had turned my back to the sea for a moment, and my +thoughts were for an instant in Bruges, when, on facing forward once +again I saw a sight which effectually brought me back to earth. +</p> + +<p> +This was the spectacle of two black shapes, evidently steamers, one on +either bow, distant, I should estimate, 600 or 700 metres. I had to +make a quick decision, and I decided that to fire a torpedo in that sea +with any hope of a hit, especially with the boat on surface, was +useless; furthermore, that at any moment either of the steamers might +sight us from their high bridge and turn and ram. +</p> + +<p> +These thoughts were the work of an instant, and I at once rang the +diving bell, and, pushing the look-out before me, in five seconds I was +in the conning tower and had the hatch down. I at once proceeded down +into the boat, and the first thing that struck my eye was the diving +gauge with the needle practically stationary at two metres. +</p> + +<p> +The boat was not going down properly! and for an instant I was rudely +shaken, until a cool voice from the wardroom remarked, "Helm hard +a-port," an order that was instantly obeyed, and as she began to turn +the moving needle on the depth gauge began its journey round the dial. +It was the Captain who had spoken. As soon as he heard the diving alarm +he was out of his bunk, and a glance at the gauge he has fitted in the +wardroom told him we were not sinking rapidly. In an instant he had put +his finger on the trouble, which was that we were almost head on to the +sea, with the result that he had given the order as stated above, +which, bringing us beam on to the sea, had caused her to dive with +ease. He is efficiency itself! +</p> + +<p> +As I explained to him what had happened, the noise of propellers at +varying distances from us overhead led him to state his belief that we +had run into a convoy homeward bound to Southampton from the Atlantic. +</p> + +<p> +He approved of my actions in every particular, save only in my omission +to bring the boat away from the sea as I began to dive. +</p> + +<p> +This morning we are beginning to get the full force of what is +evidently going to be a south-westerly gale of some violence. The seas +are getting larger as we debouch into the Atlantic. This looks bad for +business. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +At the moment we are practically hove to on the surface, with the port +engine just jogging to keep her head on to sea and the starboard +ticking round to give her a long, slow charge of 200 amps. +</p> + +<p> +The wind is force 7-8 and a very big sea is running which makes it +entirely impossible to open the conning tower hatch; the engine is +getting its air through the special mushroom ventilator, which is +apparently not designed to supply both the boat's requirements and +those of the engine; the whole ventilator gets covered with sea every +now and then, during which period until the baffle drains get the water +away no air can get in, so the engine has a good suck at the air in the +boat, the result of all this being a slight vacuum in the boat. It is a +very unpleasant sensation, and made me very sick. This is really a form +of sickness due to the rarefied air. +</p> + +<p> +I had a great surprise when I looked at the barograph this morning as +the needle had gone right off the paper at the bottom, and at first +glance I thought we had struck a tropical depression of the first +magnitude, which, flouting all the laws of meteorology, had somehow +found its way to the English Channel; but the engineer explained to me +that, as I have already stated, the low atmospheric pressure in the +boat was due to the conning-tower hatch being shut down. +</p> + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/117.jpg"><img src="images/117th.jpg" alt="As the dim lights on the mole disappeared, the ceaseless fountain of starshells mingling with the flashing of guns, rose inland on our port beam"></a> +</p> + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/118.jpg"><img src="images/118th.jpg" alt="We hit her aft for the second time"></a> +</p> + +<p> +I have discovered that Von Weissman is a martyr to sea-sickness--all +day he has been lying down as white as a sheet and subsisting on milk +tablets and sips of brandy; yet such is the man's inflexibility of will +that he forces himself to make a tour of inspection right round the +boat every six hours, night and day. It is this will to conquer which +has made Germans unconquerable, though "Come the four corners of the +world in arms" against us, as the great poet says. +</p> + +<p> +We are, of course, keeping watch from inside the conning tower; it is, +at all events, dry, but as to seeing anything one might as well be +looking out through a small glass window from inside a breakwater! To +bed till 4 a.m. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +A most unprofitable day. I grudge every day away from Zoe on which we +do nothing. This morning about noon the gale blew itself out, but a +heavy confused sea continued to run. +</p> + +<p> +At 2 p.m. we saw a most tantalizing spectacle. A big tank steamer, +fully 600 feet long and of probably 17,000 tons burthen hove in sight, +escorted by two destroyers. To attack with the gun was impossible, as +we could only keep the conning tower open when stern to sea, and in any +case the two destroyers prevented any surface work. We tried to get in +for an attack, but we had not seen her in time, and the best we could +do was to get within 3,000 yards, at which range it would have been +absurd to have wasted a torpedo, the chances of hitting being 100 to 1 +against, even if the torpedo had run properly in the sea that was on. +</p> + +<p> +I had a good look at her through the foremost periscope in between the +waves, and it maddened me to see all that oil, doubtless from Tampico +for the Grand Fleet, going safely by. The destroyers were having a bad +time of it, crashing into the sea like porpoises, their funnels white +with salt, and their bridges enveloped in sheets of water and spray. +They little thought that, barely a mile away, amidst the tumbling, +crested waves a German eye was watching them! +</p> + +<p> +There is no doubt these damned British have pluck, for it was the last +sort of weather in which one would have expected to find destroyers at +sea, and yet I suppose they do this throughout the winter. +</p> + +<p> +After all, one would expect them to be tough fellows--they are of +Teutonic stock--though by their bearing one might imagine that the +Creator made an Englishman and then Adam. +</p> + +<p> +Let's hope we get some decent weather to-morrow. I have just been +refreshing my memory by reading of what I wrote in the book, concerning +the day in the forest with the adorable girl. There is an exquisite +pleasure in transporting the mind into such memories of the past when +the body is in such surroundings as the present, if only I could will +myself to dream of her! +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +A fine day in every sense of the word. The weather has been and remains +excellent, and I have been present at my first sinking. It was absurdly +commonplace. At 10 a.m. this morning a column of smoke crept upwards +from the southern horizon. +</p> + +<p> +Von Weissman steered towards it on the surface until two masts and the +top of a funnel appeared. We dived and proceeded slowly under water on +a southerly course. +</p> + +<p> +Half an hour passed and Von Weissman brought the boat up to periscope +depth and had a look. He called to me to come and see, an invitation I +accepted with alacrity. +</p> + +<p> +With natural excitement I looked through the periscope and there she +was, unconsciously ambling to her doom like a fat sheep. +</p> + +<p> +She was a steamer (British) of about 4,000 tons, slugging home at a +steady ten knots, but she was destined to come to her last mooring +place ahead of schedule time! +</p> + +<p> +We dipped our periscope and I went forward to the tubes. Five minutes +elapsed and the order instrument bell rang, the pointer flicking to +"Stand by." I personally removed the firing gear safety pin and put the +repeat to "Ready." A breathless pause, then a slight shake and +destruction was on its way, whilst I realized by the angle of the boat +that Weissman was taking us down a few metres. +</p> + +<p> +That shows his coolness, he didn't even trouble to watch his shot. +</p> + +<p> +Anxiously I watch the second hand of my stop watch. Weissman had told +me the range would be about 500 metres--30 seconds--31--32--33--has he +missed?--34--35--3--A dull rumble comes through the water and the +whole boat shakes. Hurra! we have hit, and the order "Surface" comes +along the voice pipe. +</p> + +<p> +The cheerful voice of the blower is heard, evacuating the tanks; I run +to the conning tower and closely follow Weissman up the ladder. At last +I am on the bridge. There she is! What a sight! +</p> + +<p> +I feel that I shall never forget what she looked like, though, if all +goes well, I shall see many another fine ship go to her grave. +</p> + +<p> +But she was my first; I felt the same sensation when, as a boy, I shot +my first roe-deer in the Black Forest, one instant a living thing +beautiful to perfection, the next my rifle spoke and a bleeding carcase +lay beneath the fine trees. So with this ship. I am a sailor, and to +every sailor every ship that floats has, as it were, a soul, a +personality, an entity; to carry the analogy further, a merchant craft +is like some fat beast of utility, an ox, a cow, or a sheep, whilst a +warship is a lion if she is a battleship, a leopard if she is a light +cruiser, etc.; in all cases worthy game. +</p> + +<p> +But War has little use for sentimentality! and in my usual wandering +manner I see that I have meandered from the point and quite forgotten +what she did look like. +</p> + +<p> +What I saw was this: +</p> + +<p> +I saw that the steamer had been hit forward on the starboard side. The +upper portion of the stem piece was almost down to the water level, her +foremost hold was obviously filling rapidly. Her stern was high out of +water, the red ensign of England flapping impotently on the ensign +staff. Her propeller, which was still slowly revolving, thrashed the +water, and this heightened the impression that I was watching the +struggles of a dying animal. The propeller was revolving in spasmodic +jerks, due, I imagine, to the fast failing steam only forcing the +cranks over their dead centres with an effort. +</p> + +<p> +A boat was being lowered with haste from the two davits abreast the +funnel on one side, but when she was full of men and, due to the angle + +of the ship, well down by the bow, someone inboard let go the foremost +fall or else it broke, for the bows of the boat fell downwards and half +a dozen figures were projected in grotesque attitudes into the sea. For +a few seconds the boat swung backwards and forwards, like a pendulum. +</p> + +<p> +When she came to rest, hanging vertically downwards from the stern, I +noticed that a few men were still clinging like flies to her thwarts. +Truly, anything is better than the Atlantic in winter. Meanwhile the +ship had ceased to sink as far as outward signs went. +</p> + +<p> +I mentioned this to Von Weissman, who was at my side with a slight +smile on his face, amused doubtless at the eagerness with which I +watched every detail of this, to me, novel tragedy. He answered me that +I need not worry, that she was being supported by an air lock somewhere +forward, that the water was slowly creeping into her and her boilers +would probably soon go. +</p> + +<p> +This remarkable man was absolutely correct. +</p> + +<p> +There was an interval of about five minutes, during which another boat, +evidently successfully lowered from the other side, came round her +stern, picked up one or two men from the water and also collected the +survivors in the hanging boat; then the steamer suddenly sank another +two feet, there was a dull rumbling, as of heavy machinery falling from +a height, a muffled report, a cloud of steam and smoke, a sucking noise +and then a pool in the water, in the middle of which odd bits of wood +and other buoyant debris kept on bobbing up. Nothing else! +</p> + +<p> +No! I am wrong, there were two other things: a U-boat, representing the +might of Germany, and a whaler with perhaps twenty men in it, +representing the plight of England! +</p> + +<p> +As she went I felt hushed and solemn, it was an impressive moment; a +slight chuckle came from imperturbable Weissman; he had seen too many +go to think much of it, and he gave an order for the helm to be put +over, so that we might approach the whaler. +</p> + +<p> +They were horribly overcrowded, and were engaged in trying to sort +themselves into some sort of order. We passed by them at 50 yards and +Weissman, seizing his megaphone, shouted in English: "Goodbye! steer +west for America!" A cold horror gripped my heart. It was an awful +moment. I dare not write the thoughts that entered my head. +</p> + +<p> +I turned away my head and faced aft, that he should not see my face; +looking back I saw the whaler rocking dangerously in our wash, and then +a commotion took place in her stern, from which a huge bearded man +arose and, shaking his fist in our direction, shouted something or +other before his companions pulled him down. +</p> + +<p> +Von Weissman heard and his lips narrowed in. I held my breath in +suspense, but he evidently decided against what he had been about to +do, for with the order, "Course north! ten knots," he went below. +</p> + +<p> +I remained on deck watching the rapidly receding whaler through my +glasses until she was a mere speck--alone on the ocean, 150 miles from +land, Then the navigator came up, and with strangely mixed feelings of +exultant joy and depressing sorrow I went below. +</p> + +<p> +Von Weissman was in the wardroom. I watched him unobserved. He was +humming a tune to himself and had just completed putting a green dot on +the chart. This done he lay back on the settee and closed his +eyes--strange, insoluble man! +</p> + +<p> +For long hours I could not forget that whaler; I see it now as I write. +I suppose I shall get used to it all. What would Zoe say? +</p> + +<p> +The most wonderful thing about man is that he can stand the strain of +his own invention of modern war! +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +I am rather tired to-night, but must just jot down briefly what has +taken place to-day, as there is never any time in the daylight hours. +</p> + +<p> +Soon after dawn, at about 8 a.m., we sighted a fair-sized steamer of +about 3,000 tons, which we sunk, but I cannot say what she looked like, +or whether anyone escaped, as we never came to the surface at all, Von +Weissman sighting smoke on the western horizon just as he hit her. We +accordingly steered in that direction. However, I think she went almost +at once as Von Weissman put a dot (black) on the chart as we made +towards number 3. +</p> + +<p> +I very much wanted to know whether there were any survivors, but I did +not like to ask him at the time and he has been in such an infernal +temper ever since that I haven't had a suitable opportunity. +</p> + +<p> +The cause of his rage was as follows: +</p> + +<p> +Steamer number 3 turned out to be a fine fat chap (of the Clan Line, +Von Weissman said, when we first sighted her). We moved in to attack +and fired our port bow tube. I waited in vain by the tubes for the +expected explosion--nothing happened, but after a couple of minutes a +snarl came down the voice pipe: "Surface, GUN ACTION STATIONS!" +</p> + +<p> +I ran aft, and found the Captain white with rage. +</p> + +<p> +"Missed ahead!" he said, with intense feeling, "I'll have to use that +confounded gun." +</p> + +<p> +In about three minutes the Captain and myself were on the bridge and +the crew were at their stations round the gun. +</p> + +<p> +For the first time I saw the ship; she was stern on and apparently +painted with black and white stripes. As I examined her through +glasses--she was distant about 3,000 yards--I saw a flash aboard her +and a few seconds later a projectile moaned overhead and fell about +6,000 yards over. So she is armed, thought I, and she has actually +opened fire on us first. +</p> + +<p> +The effect of this unexpected retort on the part of the Englishman was +to throw Weissman into a paroxysm of rage. +</p> + +<p> +"Why don't you fire? What the devil are you waiting for?" etc., etc., +were some of the remarks he flung at the gun crew. +</p> + +<p> +I did not consider it advisable to mention to him that they were +probably waiting his order to fire, and also his orders for range and +deflection, as I had imagined that, here as everywhere else, an officer +controls the gun-fire. Apparently in this boat it is not so, as +Weissman takes so little interest in his gun that he affects to be, or +else actually is, ignorant of the elements of gun control. +</p> + +<p> +At any rate, under the lash of his tongue, the gun's crew soon got into +action, the gun-layer taking charge. Our first shot was short, very +considerably so, as was also the second. Meanwhile the steamer had been +keeping up a very creditably controlled rate of fire, straddling us +twice, but missing for deflection, as was natural considering that we +were bows on to her. +</p> + +<p> +I felt thoroughly in my element listening to the significant wail of +the enemy's shell, punctuated by the ear-splitting report of our own +gun. Weissman, gripping the rail with both hands, and to my surprise +ducking when one went overhead, watched the target with a fixed +expression, but made no attempt to control our gun-fire, which was far +from creditable, as is inevitable when it is left to the mercy of the +inferior intellect of a seaman. +</p> + +<p> +However, at the tenth or eleventh round we hit her in the upper works, +as was shown by a bright red and yellow flash near her funnel. This did +not check her firing or speed in the least, in fact she seemed to be +gaining on us. She also began to zigzag slightly and throw smoke bombs +overboard, which were not so effective from her point of view as I had +thought they would be. +</p> + +<p> +Matters were thus for some minutes. We had just hit her aft for the +second time, though the shooting was so disgustingly bad that I was +about to ask whether I might do the duties of control officer, when +there was a blinding flash and the air seemed filled with moaning +fragments. When I had recovered from my relief from finding that I was +personally uninjured, I observed that two of the gun's crew were +wounded and one was lying, either killed or seriously wounded, on the +casing. We had been hit in the casing, well forward, and, as was +subsequently proved when we dived, little material damage was caused to +the boat. +</p> + +<p> +This enemy success caused a temporary cessation of fire. The two + +wounded men were cautiously making their way aft to the conning tower, +and I called for a couple of stokers to come up and carry away the +third, when Von Weissman suddenly gave the order to dive. The gun's +crew at once made a rush for the conning tower, and were down the hatch +in a trice, one of the wounded men fainting at the bottom. +</p> + +<p> +I was unaware as to the reason of this order to dive, and thought that +perhaps the Captain had sighted a periscope. As I was turning to +precede him down the conning tower hatch I distinctly saw the man lying +by the gun lift his hand. I felt I could not leave him there, and +instinctively cried, "He is still alive!" But Von Weissman, who was +urging the crew to hurry down the hatch, pressed the diving alarm as +soon as the last sailor was half in the hatch. +</p> + +<p> +I knew that this meant that the boat would be under in 30 to 40 +seconds, so I had no alternative but to get down the hatch as quickly +as possible. +</p> + +<p> +I did so with reluctance, and I was followed by Von Weissman, who +joined me in the upper conning tower. +</p> + +<p> +I forced myself not to look out of the conning tower scuttles during +the few seconds that elapsed as the casing slowly went under, until at +last nothing but waving green water showed at each little window. I +feared that, if I had looked, I would have seen a wounded man, stung +into activity by the cold touch of the Atlantic. Perhaps Von Weissman +read my thoughts, or else he remembered my remark concerning the man, +for he turned to me and in level tones said: +</p> + +<p> +"Have you any doubt that he was dead?" +</p> + +<p> +I hesitated a moment, and he continued: +</p> + +<p> +"By my direction you have no doubt. He <i>was</i>!" +</p> + +<p> +How brutal war is, and what a perfect exponent of the art the Captain +proves himself to be! To me a life is a life, a particle of the thing +divine; to him a life is a unit, and a half-maimed and probably dying +seaman is as nothing in the scales when the safety of a U-boat is at +stake. The seamen are numbered in their tens of thousands, the U-boats +in their tens. The steamer had hit us once, luckily only in the casing, +a second hit might well have punctured the pressure hull, and our fate +in these waters would have been certain. Therefore, having summed these +things up and balanced them in his mind, he dived and the sailor died. +</p> + +<p> +Once below water Von Weissman seemed more his imperturbable self, and +unless I am mistaken he is never really happy on the surface, at least +when in action. He is a true water mole. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +A day full of interest, though once again I have had to force myself to +absorb the horrors of War. I imagine that I am now going through the +experiences of a new arrival on the Western Front, who feels a desire +to shudder at the sight of every corpse. +</p> + +<p> +At 10 a.m. this morning we sighted the topsails of a sailing boat to +the southwest. Closing her on the surface, we approached to within +about 6,000 metres, when suddenly Von Weissman ordered "Gun Action +Stations." +</p> + +<p> +The gun crew came tumbling up, but not quick enough to suit him, for as +they were mustering at the gun he gave the order to dive, only, +however, taking her down to periscope depth before instantly ordering +surface and then "Gun Action Stations" again. This time we opened fire +on the ship, which was a Norwegian barque and, being in the barred +zone, liable to destruction. +</p> + +<p> +Von Weissman had announced overnight that at the first opportunity he +would give "that ---- gun's crew a bellyful of practice," and he +certainly did. As soon as the first shot was fired, she backed her +topsails, and when our fourth shot struck her, somewhere near the foot +of the foremast, her crew could be seen hastily abandoning their ship. +</p> + +<p> +This action on their part had no influence with Von Weissman, who had +taken personal charge of the helm, and, with the engines running at +three-quarter speed, he was zigzagging about, to make it harder for the +gun's crew. Every now and then he flung a gibe at the crew, such as +suggesting that they should go back to the High Seas Fleet and learn +how to shoot. +</p> + +<p> +The sailing ship was soon on fire, for, considering the circumstances, +the shooting was very fair, though had I been controlling it I could +have confidently guaranteed better results. When she was blazing nicely +fore and aft, Von Weissman ordered the practice to cease, and sent the +crew below. He then ordered course south, speed ten knots, and I took +over the watch. +</p> + +<p> +An hour and a half later, when the navigator gave me a spell, a black +cloud on the northern horizon marked the funeral pyre of another of our +victims. When I went below, the Captain had just finished playing with +his precious old chart. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +We received a message at 2 a.m. last night from Heligoland to return +forthwith; it is now 2 a.m. and we are approaching the redoubtable +Dover Barrage. We had no trouble coming up channel to-day, which seems +singularly empty, at any rate in mid-channel, where we were. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +We got back about three hours ago, and as I was appointed temporary to +the boat, Von Weissman kindly allowed me to leave her and come up to +Bruges as soon as we got into the shelters at Zeebrugge. +</p> + +<p> +I got up here just, in time for a late dinner. Hunger satisfied, I +retired to my room and, needless to say, at once rang up my darling +Zoe. +</p> + +<p> +By the mercy of providence she was in, but imagine my sensations when I +heard that that accursed swine of a Colonel was also back from the +front, and expected in at the flat at any moment, being then, she +thought, engaged in his after dinner drinking bouts at the cavalry +officers' club. I could only groan. +</p> + +<p> +A laugh at the other end stung me to furious rage, appeased in an +instant by her soothing tones as she told me that I should be glad to +hear that he was only up from the Somme on a four-days leave, and was +returning next morning by the 8 a.m. troop train. Glad! I could have +danced for joy. I breathed again. +</p> + +<p> +As the Colonel was expected back at any moment she thought it advisable +to terminate the conversation, which was done with obvious reluctance +on her part, or so I flatter myself. +</p> + +<p> +He goes to-morrow, so far so good, but what of the intervening period? +</p> + +<p> +Could any more refined torture be imagined than that I, who love her as +I love my own soul, should have to sit here, whilst scarcely a mile +away, probably at this very moment as I write, that gross brute is +privileged to kiss her, to look at her, to--oh! it's unbearable. When I +think of that hog, for though I've never seen him, I've seen his +photograph, and I know instinctively that he <i>is</i> gross, fresh, as she +says, from a drinking bout, should at this moment be permitted to raise +his pigs' eyes and look into those glorious wells of violet light; when +I think that his is the privilege to see those masses of black hair +fall in uncontrolled splendour, then I understand to the full the deep +pleasures of murder. +</p> + +<p> +I would give anything to destroy this man, and could shake the +Englishman by the hand who fires the delivering bullet! +</p> + +<p> +Steady! Steady! What do I write? No! I mean it, every word of it. Yet +of all the mysteries, and to me Zoe is a mass of them, surely the + +strangest of all is contained in the question: Why does she live with +him? +</p> + +<p> +She doesn't love him, she's practically told me so. In fact, I know she +doesn't. Let me reason it out by logic. She lives with him, whether +voluntarily or involuntarily. Suppose it be voluntarily, then her +reasons must be (a) Love; (b) Fascination; (c) Some secret reason. If +she is living with him involuntarily it must be: (d) He has a hold on +her; (e) For financial reasons. +</p> + +<p> +I strike out at once (a) and (e), for in the case of (e) she knows well +that I would provide for her, and (a) I refuse to admit, (b) is hardly +credible--I eliminate that. I am left with (c) and (d) which might be +the same thing. But what hold can he have on her; she can't have a +past, she is too young and sweet for that. +</p> + +<p> +I must find out about this before I go to sea again. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Three days ago, I was racking my brains for the solution of a problem, +and, as I see from what I wrote, I was somewhat outside myself. In the +interval things have taken an amazing turn. I am still bewildered--but +I must put it all down from the beginning. +</p> + +<p> +The Colonel left as she said he would, and I went round to lunch with +her. +</p> + +<p> +We had a delightful <i>tête-à-tête</i>, and after lunch she played the +piano. I was feeling in splendid voice and she accompanied me to +perfection in Tchaikowsky's "To the Forest," always a favourite of +mine. As the last chords died away, Zoe jumped up from the piano and, +with eyes dancing with excitement, placed her hands on my shoulders and +exclaimed: +</p> + +<p> +"Karl! I have an idea! I shall make a prisoner of you for two or three +days." +</p> + +<p> +I laughed heartily and almost told her that she had already made me a +prisoner for life, only I can never get those sort of remarks out quick +enough. +</p> + +<p> +But when she said, "No! I am not joking, I mean it," I felt there was +more meaning in her sentence than I had at first thought. I begged to +be enlightened, and she then unfolded her scheme. +</p> + +<p> +She told me for the first time, that in a forest not far from Bruges +she had a little summer-house, to which she used to retreat for +week-ends in the hot weather when the Colonel was away. He knew nothing +of this country house (she was very insistent on that point), so I +imagined she paid for it out of her dress allowance or in some other +way. The idea that had just struck her was that she had a sudden fancy +to go and spend two days there, and I was to go with her. +</p> + +<p> +I was ready to go to Africa with her if my leave permitted, and it so +happened that I was due for four days' overseas leave (limited to +Belgian territory) so that this fitted in very well, and I told her so. +</p> + +<p> +She was delighted, then, with one of those quick intuitions which women +are so clever at, she read the half-formed thought in my mind, and +said: "You mustn't think it's not going to be conventional; old Babette +will be with us to chaperon me." Old Babette is an aged female whom she +calls her maid. I think she is jealous of me. +</p> + +<p> +I agreed at once that of course I quite understood it was to be highly +conventional, etc., though I smiled to myself as I visualized my +mother's shocked face and uplifted hands had she heard my Zoe's ideas +on the conventions. +</p> + +<p> +I was trying to fathom what was at the bottom of it all when she +remarked: "Of course, as my prisoner you will have to obey all my +orders." +</p> + +<p> +I replied that this was certainly so. +</p> + +<p> +"And one of the first things," she continued, "that happens to a +prisoner when he goes through the enemy lines is that he is +blindfolded, and in the same way I shan't let you know where you are +going." +</p> + +<p> +Seeing a doubtful look in my eyes as I endeavoured to keep pace with +the underlying idea, if any, of this truly feminine fancy, she suddenly +came up to me and, lifting her eyes to mine, murmured: "Don't you trust +me?" +</p> + +<p> +In a moment my passion flared up, and rained hot kisses on her face as +she struggled to release herself from my arms. +</p> + +<p> +When I left that night after dinner, and, walking on air, returned to +the Mess, it was arranged that I should be at her flat with my +suit-case at 6 p.m. the next evening, prepared, to use her own words, +"to disappear with me for 48 hours." +</p> + +<p> +She had told me of an address in Bruges which she said would forward on +any telegram if I was recalled, and I had to be satisfied with that, +for I may as well say here that I never discovered where I went to, and +I don't know to this moment in what part of Belgium I spent the last +two nights. +</p> + +<p> +I tried to find out at first, but as she obviously attached some +importance to keeping the locality of her woodland retreat a secret, +probably to circumvent the Colonel, I soon gave up trying to get the +secret from her, and contented myself with taking things as they came. +</p> + +<p> +To go on with my account of what happened--which was really so +remarkable that I propose writing it out in detail to the best of my +memory--at 6 p.m. next day I was naturally at her flat feeling very +much as if I was on the threshold of an adventure. +</p> + +<p> +Zoe was excited and the flat was in a turmoil, as apparently she had +only just begun to pack her dressing-case. +</p> + +<p> +Soon after six we went down and got into a large Mercédès car which I +had noticed standing outside when I arrived. We were soon on our way, +and left Bruges by the Eastern barrier; we showed our passes and +proceeded into the darkened country-side. We had been running for about +a mile when she remarked, "Prisoners will now be blindfolded!" and, to +my astonishment, slipped a little black silk bag over my head. +</p> + +<p> +I was so startled I didn't know whether to be angry, or to laugh, or +what to do. Eventually I did nothing, and, entering into the spirit of +the game, declared that even a wretched prisoner had the right not to +be stifled, whereupon she lifted the lower portion of the bag and +uncovered my mouth. Shortly afterwards I was electrified to feel a pair +of soft lips meet mine, a sensation which was repeated at frequent +intervals, and, as I whispered in her ear, under these conditions I was +prepared to be taken prisoner into the jaws of hell. +</p> + +<p> +This pleasant journey had lasted for about three-quarters of an hour +when my mask was removed and I was informed that I was "inside the +enemy lines!" Through the windows of the car I could dimly see that an +apparently endless mass of fir trees were rushing past on each side. +This state of affairs continued for a kilometre or so, when we branched +to the right and soon entered a large clearing in the forest, at one +side of which stood the house. Babette, Zoe and myself entered the +building, and the car disappeared, presumably back to Bruges. +</p> + +<p> +The house, built of logs, was of two stories; on the ground floor were +two living rooms, and the domains of Babette, who amongst her other +accomplishments turned out to be not only a most capable valet, but a +first-class cook. On the second story there were two large rooms. The +whole house was furnished after the manner of a hunting lodge, with +stags' heads on the walls, and skins on the floors. In the drawing-room +there was a piano and a few etchings of the wild boar by Schaffein. +</p> + +<p> +I dressed for dinner in my "smoking," though under ordinary +circumstances I should have considered this rather formal, but I was +glad I did, for she appeared in full evening <i>tenue</i>. She wore a violet +gown, and across her forehead a black satin bandeau with a Z in +diamonds upon it. It must have cost two thousand marks, and I wondered +with a dull kind of jealousy whether the Colonel had given it to her. +</p> + +<p> +I cannot remember of what we talked during dinner. We have a hundred +subjects in common, and we look at so many aspects of the world through +the same pair of eyes; I only know that when I have been talking to her +for a period--there is no exact measurement of time for me when I am +with her--I leave her presence feeling "completed." I feel that a sort +of gap within my being has been filled, that a spiritual hunger has +been satisfied, that I have got something which I wanted, but for which +I could not have formulated the desire in words. I had resolved that on +this first night I would bring matters between us to a head and end +this delicious but intolerable uncertainty as to how we stood; yet, +when old Babette had served us with coffee in the drawing-room, as I +call the second living-room, and we were alone together, I could not +bring up the subject. Partly because I think she prevented me so doing +by that skilful shepherding of the conversation into other paths with +an artfulness with which God endows all women, and also partly because +I could not screw myself up to the pitch. I could not, or rather would +not, put my fate to the touch. I had a presentiment that in reaching +for the summit I might fall from the slope. Alas! how true was this +foreboding in some senses--but I will keep all things in their right +order. +</p> + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/151.jpg"><img src="images/151th.jpg" alt="The track met our ram"></a> +</p> + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/152.jpg"><img src="images/152th.jpg" alt="In the flash I caught a glimpse of his conning tower"></a> +</p> + +<p> +Let it only be recorded that when she kissed me good-night (with the +tenderness of a mother) and left me to smoke a final cigar I had said +nothing, and I could only wonder at the strange fate that had placed me +practically alone with a girl whom I had grown to love with a deep +emotion, and who appeared to love me, yet often behaved as if I was her +brother. +</p> + +<p> +The next day we were like two children. The snow was deep on the +ground, and the fir trees stood like thousands of sentinels in grey +uniform round the clearing. Once during the afternoon, as with Zoe's +assistance I was furiously chopping wood for the fire, a droning noise +made me look up, and thousands of metres overhead a small squadron of +aeroplanes, evidently bound for the Western Front, sailed slowly across +the sky. I thought how awkward it would be for them if they experienced +an engine failure whilst over the forest, though they were up so high +that I imagine they could have glided ten kilometres, and as I think +(but I am not certain, and I have pledged myself not to try and find +out) we were in the Forest of Montellan, which is barely fifteen +kilometres broad, I suppose they could have fallen clear of the trees. +</p> + +<p> +As a matter of fact I imagine they would have used our clearing--I'm +glad they didn't. +</p> + +<p> +That night after dinner she played to me, first Beethoven and then +Chopin. I can see her as I write; she had just finished the 14th +Prelude and, resting her chin on her hand, she smiled mysteriously at +me. +</p> + +<p> +The hour had come, and, driven by strong impulses, I spoke. I told her +that I loved her as I had never thought that a man could love a woman; +I told her that I longed to shield her and protect her, and above all +things to remove her from the clutches of that bestial Colonel, and as +I bent over her and felt my senses swim in the subtleties of her +perfume, I begged her passionately to say the word that would give me +the right to fight the world on her behalf. +</p> + +<p> +When I had finished she was silent for a long while, and I can remember +distinctly that I wondered whether she could hear the thump! thump! +thump! of my heart, which to my agitated mind seemed to beat with the +strength of a hammer. +</p> + +<p> +At length she spoke; two words came slowly from her lips: +</p> + +<p> +"I cannot." +</p> + +<p> +I was not discouraged. I could see, I could feel, that a tremendous +struggle was raging, the outward signs of which were concealed by her +averted head. +</p> + +<p> +At length I asked her point-blank whether she loved me. Her silence +gave me my answer, and I took her unresisting body into my arms and +kissed her to distraction. Oh! these kisses, how bitter they seem to me +now, and yet how I long to hold her once again. For, freeing herself +from my embrace and speaking almost mechanically, she said: +</p> + +<p> +"Karl! I must tell you. I cannot marry you." +</p> + +<p> +I pleaded, I prayed, I argued, I demanded. It was in vain; I always +came up against the immovable "I cannot." +</p> + +<p> +And then I crashed over the precipice towards whose edge I had been +blindly going. I had said for the hundredth time, "But you know you +love me," when with a sob she abandoned all reserve, and, flinging her +arms round my neck, implored me to take her. Then, as I caught my +breath, she quickly said, as if frightened that she had gone too far, +"But I cannot marry you." +</p> + +<p> +I looked down into those beautiful eyes, and for the first time I +understood. For perhaps ten seconds I battled for my soul and the +purity of our love; then, tearing my sight from those eyes which would +lure an archangel to destruction, I was once more master of my body. As +my resolution grew, I hated her for doing this thing that had wrecked +in an instant the hopes of months, the ideals on which I had begun to +build afresh my life. +</p> + +<p> +She felt the change, and left me. +</p> + +<p> +As she went out by the door she gave me one last look, a look in which +love struggled with shame, a look which no man has ever earned the +right to receive from any woman. +</p> + +<p> +But I was as a statue of marble, dazed by this calamity. +</p> + +<p> +As the door closed upon her, I started forward--it was too late. +</p> + +<p> +Had she waited another instant--but there, I write of what has happened +and not what might have been. +</p> + +<p> +I did not sleep that night, until the dawn began to separate each fir +tree from the black mass of the forest. Twice in the night, with shame +I confess it, I opened my door and looked down the little passage-way; +and twice I closed the door and threw myself upon my bed in an agony of +torment. It was ten o'clock when a knock at the door aroused me, and +the sunlight through the window-pane was tracing patterns on the floor. +</p> + +<p> +There was a note on the breakfast table, but before I opened it I knew +that, save for Babette, I was alone in the house. +</p> + +<p> +The note was brief, unaddressed and unsigned. I have it here before me; +I have meant to tear it up but I cannot. It is a weakness to keep it, +but I have lost so much in the last few days, that I will not grudge +myself some small relic of what has been. The note says: +</p> + +<p> +"I am leaving for Bruges at half-past eight, when the car was ordered +to fetch us back. I go alone. Babette will give you breakfast. The car +will return for you at eleven o'clock. I rely on your honour in that +you will not observe where you have been. Come to me when you want +me--till then, farewell." +</p> + +<p> +It was as she said, and I honourably acceded to her request. This +afternoon just before lunch I arrived in Bruges, and since tea-time I +have tried to write down what has happened since I left the day before +yesterday. Oh! how could she do it, how can it be possible that she is +a woman like that? I could have sworn that she was not like this--and +yet how can I account for her life with the Colonel? There must be some +reason, but in Heaven's name, what? +</p> + +<p> +Meanwhile I am to go to her when I want her! And that will be when I +can give her my name. But oh! Zoe, I want you now, so badly, oh! so +badly! +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +I saw her once to-day in the gardens, walking by herself. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +I have told Max's secretary that I want to get to sea; to be here in +Bruges and not to see her is more than I can bear. +</p> + +<p> +I sail at dawn to-morrow. Shall I see her? No, it is best not. +</p> + +<p> +A frightful noise over the New Year celebrations to-night. Champagne +flowing like water in the Mess. I feel the year 1917 opens badly for +me. +</p> + +<p> +Weissman also went to sea again for a short trip in the Channel, and +has not reported for five days. Perhaps he has despised the Dover +Barrage once too often. If this is so, it is a great loss to the +service: he was a man of iron resolution in underwater attack. +</p> + +<p> +I feel I ought to despise Zoe, but I can't. I love her too much; after +all, am I not perhaps encasing myself in the robe of a Pharisee? +</p> + +<p> +She offered me all she had, save only the one thing I asked, without +which I will take nothing. I cannot reconcile her behaviour with her +character; why can't she trust me? why can't she be frank with me? I +will not believe she is that sort. +</p> + +<p> +I feel I cannot go out again without a <i>sign</i>--I may not return, and I +will not leave her, perhaps for ever, with this bitterness between us. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +At sea in U.C.47 again. Alten as surly as ever. +</p> + +<p> +I decided finally to write to Zoe, but found it difficult to know what +to say. Eventually I said more than I had intended. I told her frankly +that I experienced a shock, but that I had not meant to seem so cold, +and that what I had done had been done for both our sakes. I told her +that I still loved her, and I implored her once more to leave the +Colonel and come to me as my wife. +</p> + +<p> +Already I long to know what message awaits me on my return. +</p> + +<p> +This will not be for three days. We left at dawn this morning to lay +mines off the channel to Harwich harbour; a nest from which submarines, +cruisers and destroyers buzz in and out like wasps. It will be ticklish +work. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +<i>On the bottom</i>. +</p> + +<p> +Our mines are still with us, but so are our lives, which is something. +</p> + +<p> +We were approaching the appointed spot at 6 a.m. this morning, when +without the slightest warning the track of a torpedo was seen streaking +towards us about 50 yards on the starboard bow. +</p> + +<p> +Before Alten (who was on the bridge with me) could do more than press +the diving alarm, the track met our ram. I breathed again, and was then +reminded by an oath from Alten that the boat was diving. +</p> + +<p> +It was evident that we had only been saved by the torpedo running deep +under the cut-away part of our bow, otherwise!--well, the tangle of my +affairs would have been easily straightened. +</p> + +<p> +Further procedure on the surface was suicidal, and we kept hydrophone +patrol, twice hearing the motors of the enemy submarine. At the moment +we are on the bottom waiting to come up and charge to-night, and lay +our mines at dawn to-morrow. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +On the bottom in 28 metres and feeling none too comfortable, as there +would appear to be about a dozen destroyers overhead. +</p> + +<p> +Last night, or rather early this morning, I participated in one of the +most extraordinary incidents that I have ever heard of. +</p> + +<p> +It was pitch-black dark when I took over at 4 a.m., and a fresh breeze +had raised a lumpy sea, which covered the bridge with spray. We were +charging 400 amps on each, with the intention of laying one mine +directly there was sufficient light to get a fix from some of the buoys +which the English stick down all over the place here in the most +convenient manner possible. If only one could believe they never +shifted them. Alten says it never occurs to an Englishman to do a thing +like that, but I'm not so sure. However, we were proceeding along at +about five knots, crashing into the sea rather badly, when out of the +black beastliness of the night I saw a shape close aboard on the port +hand. +</p> + +<p> +As I hesitated for a second as to my course of action, I was astounded +to see a large submarine which must have been British, on an opposite +course, not more than 25 metres away! +</p> + +<p> +This sounds absurd, but it really wasn't further. I'm not ashamed to +confess that I was completely disorganized; it did not seem possible +that the enemy was literally alongside me. +</p> + +<p> +I don't know how it struck the officer in the British boat, but I must +give him credit for doing something first, for he fired a Very's white +light straight at me as the two boats passed. It impinged on the hull, +and in the flash I caught a photographic glimpse of his conning tower, +on which was painted the letter E, followed by two numbers, of which +one was a two I think, and the other a nine. +</p> + +<p> +By this time he was on my port quarter and rapidly disappearing; in a +frenzy of rage I managed to get my revolver out, and whilst with the +left hand I pressed the diving alarm, with the right hand I emptied the +magazine in his direction. When we were down, Alten practically +refused to believe me, which made me very pleased that in descending I +had trod on a pair of hands which turned out to be his, as he had +started up the ladder to the upper conning tower when he first heard +the alarm. +</p> + +<p> +I presume our opponent dived as well, but evidently he had put two and +two together and used his aerial at some period, for when at dawn we +poked a periscope up, a flotilla of destroyers appeared to be looking +for something, which "something" was us, unless I am much mistaken; so +we bottomed, where we have been ever since. The Hydroplane Operator +keeps up a monotonous sing-song to the effect that "Fast running +propellers are either receding or approaching." The crew are collected +round the mine-tubes as I write, and are singing a lugubrious song, the +refrain of which runs: +</p> + +<p class="ind"> + "Death for the Fatherland! Glorious fate,<br> + This is the end that we gladly await." +</p> + +<p> +Why will the seamen always become morbid when possible? And there is +not a man amongst them who is not inwardly thinking of some beer-hall +in Bruges, though I suppose that like their betters they have their +romances of a tenderer kind. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +The boat has been rolling about on the bottom in the most sickening +manner the whole afternoon. We flooded P and Q to capacity, which gave +her 50 tons negative, but it seems to have little effect in steadying +her, and it is evident that a really heavy gale is running on top. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Surfaced at 10 p.m.; a very heavy sea running and impossible to do much +more than heave to. This weather has one point in its favour and that +is that the destroyers are driven in. +</p> + +<p> +It got steadily worse all night, and at midnight we lost our foremost +wireless mast overboard; we have now (10 a.m.) been 48 hours without +communication. At dawn we could see nothing to fix by; not a buoy in +sight, nothing but an expanse of foam-topped short steep waves of dirty +neutral-tinted water; how different to the great green and white surges +of the broad Atlantic. +</p> + +<p> +Under these circumstances Alten decided to risk it and return without +laying our mines; for once in a way I agreed with him, as it is better +not to lay a minefield at all than dump one down in some unknown +position which one may have to traverse oneself in the course of a +month or so. We are now slowly, very slowly, struggling back to +Zeebrugge. +</p> + +<p> +A green sea came down the conning tower to-day, and everything in the +boat is damp and smelly and beastly. The propellers race at frequent +intervals and the whole boat shudders--I feel miserable. +</p> + +<p> +Alten has started to drink spirits; he began as soon as we decided to +go back. He will be incapable by to-night, and it means that I shall +have to take her in. +</p> + +<p> +What hell this is, sitting in sodden clothes, with the stench of four +days' living assaulting the nostrils, and a motion of the devil; the +glass is very low and is slowly rising, so that I suppose it will blow +harder soon, though it is about force eight at present. +</p> + +<p> +I wonder what Zoe will have written in reply to my note. When I think +of what I rejected and compare it with my beast-like existence here, I +can hardly believe that I behaved as I did--what would I not give now +to be transported back to the forest! At this rate of progress we shall +take another 24 hours. I wonder if I can knock another half-knot out of +her without smashing her up. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +The extraordinarily violent motion has upset the <i>Anschutz</i>. [<a href="#f14">14</a>] The +bearing cone of the stabilizing gyro has cracked, and the master +compass began to wander off in circles. I was just resting for an hour +or two, wedged up on a wet settee with coats equally wet, when her +heavy pitching changed to a wallowing roll, and I heard the pilot, who +was on watch, cursing down the voice-pipe, as we had sagged off our +course. +</p> + +<p class="ind"> +<a name="f14">14.</a> Gyroscopic compass.--ETIENNE. +</p> + +<p> +I heard the voice of the helmsman querulously maintain that he was +steering his course by <i>Anschutz</i>, so I got up and gingerly clawed my +way into the control room, where I found by comparing <i>Anschutz</i> with +magnetic that the former had gone to hell, the reason being obvious, as +the stabilizer was exerting a strongly biased torque. I stopped the +<i>Anschutz</i> and asked the pilot to give the helmsman a steady by +magnetic. +</p> + +<p> +As we staggered back to our course I heard a thud in the wardroom, and +on returning to my settee found that Alten had rolled out of his bunk, +where he was lying in a drunken stupor, and that he was face downwards, +sprawling on the deck, half his face in the broken half of a dirty dish +which had fallen off the table whilst I was having tea. As I couldn't +let the crew see him like this, I was obliged to struggle and get him +back into his bunk. He was like a log and absolutely incapable of +rendering me any assistance, though he did open his eyes and mutter +once or twice as I lifted him up, trunk first and then his legs. He +stank of spirits and I hated touching him. Lord! what a truly hoggish +man he is; yet I cannot help envying him his oblivion to these +surroundings. +</p> + +<hr> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +Arrived in, this afternoon. +</p> + +<p> +Alten quite slept off his drink, and was offensively sarcastic as I +worked on the forepart with wires, getting her into the shelters +alongside the mole. +</p> + +<p> +I hastened up to Bruges, and in the Mess heard several items of news +and found two letters. The first, in a well-known handwriting, I opened +eagerly, but received a chill of disappointment when I read its single +line. +</p> + +<p> +"I am here when you want me.--Z." +</p> + +<p> +So she thinks to break my resolution! +</p> + +<p> +No! I am stronger than she, and, now that I know she loves me, I can +and will bend her to my will. Even now, at this distance of time, I can +hardly understand my conduct the other day. I must have been given the +strength of ten. I feel that I could not do it again; had she hesitated +a second longer at the door--well, I can hardly say what I would have +done. +</p> + +<p> +It is my duty to do so, for her sake and my own. But I know my +weakness, and in this fact lies my strength. Cost what it may, I shall +not permit myself to go near her until she yields. +</p> + +<p> +The second letter gave me a great surprise. It was from Rosa. She has +passed some examination, and is coming <i>here</i> of all places as a Red +Cross nurse. She says she is looking forward to going round a U-boat! +She assumes a good deal, I must say, still, I suppose I must be polite +to her; but why the deuce does she sign herself "Yours, Rosa?" She's +not mine, and I don't want her; it seems funny to me that I once +thought of her vaguely in that sort of way. Now, I feel rather +disturbed that she is coming here, though I don't quite see why I +should worry, and yet I wonder if it is a coincidence her coming to +Bruges? +</p> + +<p> +I'm almost inclined to think it isn't. After all, every girl wants to +get married, and without conceit my family, circumstances and, in the +privacy of the pages of this journal I may add, my personal +appearances, are such as would appeal to most girls--except Zoe, +apparently! +</p> + +<p> +I'll have to be on my guard against Miss Rosa. +</p> + +<p> +I heard to-day that I am likely to be appointed to the periscope school +in a few weeks' time, and meanwhile I am to be attached as +supernumerary to the operations division on old Max's staff. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +The work here is most interesting. I feel glad that I am one of the +spiders weaving the web for Britain's destruction. +</p> + +<p> +The impasse with Zoe still continues, and my peace of mind has been +still further disturbed by the actual arrival of Rosa. She rang me up +within twelve hours of her arrival, and, of course, I was obliged to +call. That was the day before yesterday. Rosa is at the No. 3 Hospital +here, and was horribly effusive. Some people would, I suppose, call her +good-looking, but to me, with my mind's-eye in perpetual contemplation +of my darling Zoe, Rosa looked like a turnip. Her first movement after +the preliminary greetings was to offer me a cigarette! I then noticed +that her fingers were stained with nicotine, unpleasant in a man, +disgusting in a woman. +</p> + +<p> +Her nose was shiny and greasy--horrible. After a little talk she +volunteered the statement that yesterday was her afternoon off, and she +was simply longing to have tea in the gardens. +</p> + +<p> +I endeavoured to make some feeble excuse on the grounds of the weather +being unsuitable, but I am no good at these social lies, and I was +eventually obliged to promise to take her there. I was the more annoyed +in that her main object was obviously to be seen walking with a U-boat +officer. +</p> + +<p> +Accordingly, yesterday, I found myself walking about with her at my +side. My feelings can better be imagined than described when I suddenly +saw Zoe, accompanied by Babette, in the distance. I hastily altered +course, and pray she didn't see me. +</p> + +<p> +In the course of the afternoon Rosa had the impertinence to say that at +Frankfurt they were saying that I was interested in a beautiful widow +at Bruges, and could she (Rosa) write and say I was heart-whole, or +else what the girl was like. I'm afraid that I lost my temper a little, +and I told Rosa she could write to all the busybodies at home and tell +them from me to go to the devil. +</p> + +<p> +These women in the home circle, and especially aunts, are always the +same; firstly, they badger one to get married, and then if they think +one is contemplating such a step they are all agog to find out whether +she is suitable! +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Three more boats, two of which are U.C.'s, are overdue. It is +distinctly unpleasant not knowing how or where they go, though the U.B. +boat (Friederich Althofen) made her incoming position the day before +yesterday as off Dungeness, so it looks as if the barrage at Dover +which got Weissman has got Althofen as well. I wonder what new devilry +they have put down there. +</p> + +<p> +How one wishes that in 1914, instead of seeking the capture of Paris, +we had realized the importance of the Channel Ports to England, and +struck for them! +</p> + +<p> +It would not have been necessary to strike even in September, 1914. We +could have walked into them. Dunkirk, at all events, should have been +ours; however, we must do the best with things as they are, not that I +would consider it too late even now to make a big push for the French +coast. +</p> + +<p> +It would seem, as a matter of fact, that all the pushing is to be at +the other end of the line, in the Verdun sector, from the rumours I +hear, though I should have thought once bitten twice shy in that +quarter. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Saw Zoe again in the distance, and I think she saw me; at all events +she turned round and walked away. +</p> + +<p> +This girl whom I cannot, and would not if I could, obliterate from my +thoughts, is causing me much worry. +</p> + +<p> +She shows no sign of giving in, and I for one intend to be adamant. I +shall defeat her in time. The male intellect is always ultimately +victorious, other things being equal. I was reading Schopenhauer on the +subject last night. What a brain that man had, though I confess his +analysis of the female mentality is so terribly and truthfully cruel +that it jars on certain of my feelings. +</p> + +<p> +Zoe's resolution in this conflict, this sex war one might call it, only +adds to her charm in my eyes; she is, I feel, a worthy mate for me, +both intellectually and physically, and she shall be mine--I have +decided it. +</p> + +<p> +Met Rosa to-day at old Max's house, where I went to pay a duty call. +</p> + +<p> +Her Excellency is as forbidding a specimen of her sex as any I have +ever met. She quite frightened me, and in the home circle the old man +seemed quite subdued. +</p> + +<p> +I escorted Rosa home, and on the way to her hospital she gave me a +great surprise, as after much evasive talk she suddenly came out with +the news that she was engaged to Heinrich Baumer, of U.C.23. I was +quite taken aback, and will frankly confess that not so very long ago I +imagined, evidently erroneously, that she was disposed to let her +affections become engaged in another quarter. However, I was really +very glad to hear this news, and congratulated her with genuine +feeling. +</p> + +<p> +The knowledge that she was a promised woman quite altered my feelings +towards her, and before I quite meant to, I had told her a considerable +amount about Zoe. It gave me much relief to be able to unburden myself, +and confide my difficulties elsewhere than in the pages of this +journal. +</p> + +<p> +I have asked the girl to tea to-morrow. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +A vile air raid last night. British machines, of course. They seemed +determined to get over the town, and from 1 a.m. to 3 a.m. relays of +machines (of which not <i>one</i> was shot down) attacked us. The din was +tremendous, and all sleep was out of the question. +</p> + +<p> +Morning revealed surprisingly little damage, as is often the case in +these big raids, whereas a few bombs from a chance machine often work +havoc. I was down at 50 B.C. aerodrome this morning, and heard that as +soon as the moon suits we are going to make Dunkirk sit up as +retaliation for last night's efforts. There were also rumours of big +attacks impending on London as soon as the new type of Gothas are +delivered. That will shake the smug security of those cursed islanders. +</p> + +<p> +Rosa came to tea, and afterwards I told her more about Zoe, and as I +expect any day to be appointed to the periscope school at Kiel, I asked +Rosa to try and effect an introduction to Zoe, and do what she could +for me. Rosa gave me the impression that she was somewhat surprised +that I should have had any difficulty with Zoe (of course I had not +told her of the shooting-box scene). Rosa evidently thinks any woman +ought to be honoured.... +</p> + +<p> +Perhaps I was not so far wrong in my surmises as to Rosa's previous +inclinations--I wonder; at any rate she will undoubtedly make Baumer a +good wife, and she will probably be very fruitful and grow still fatter +and housewifely. She is of a type of woman appointed by God in his +foresight as breeders. Zoe, my adorable one, will probably not take +kindly to babies. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +I am ordered to report myself at Kiel by next Monday. +</p> + +<p> +I am terribly tempted to ring up Zoe on the telephone before I leave: +it seems dreadful to leave her without a word; but at the same time I +feel that she would interpret this as a sign of weakness on my part--as +indeed it would be. I must be firm, for strength of mind pays with +women, even more than with men. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +<i>At Kiel</i>. +</p> + +<p> +I left Bruges without a word either to or from my obstinate darling. +</p> + +<p> +It is torture being away from her. I had thought that when I was here +and not exposed to the temptation of going round and seeing her, that +it would be easier; it is not. I long to write, and how I wonder +whether she is feeling it as I do. +</p> + +<p> +I have read somewhere that a woman's passion once aroused is more +ungovernable than a man's. That her whole being cries aloud for me +cannot be doubted, and if the above statement is true what +inflexibility of will she must be showing--it almost makes me fear--but +no, I will defeat her in this strange contest, and she shall be my +wife. +</p> + +<p> +The work here is strenuous, and the grass does not grow under one's +feet. The course for commanding officers lasts four weeks, and +terminates in an exceedingly practical but rather fearsome test--i.e., +they have six steamers here camouflaged after the English fashion with +dazzle painting, and these six steamers, protected by launches and +harbour defence craft, steam across Kiel Bay in the manner of a convoy. +The officer being examined has to attack this group of ships in one of +the instructional submarines, and in three attacks he must score at +least two hits, or else, in theory, he is returned to general service +in the Fleet. +</p> + +<p> +Fortunately at the moment I hear that owing to recent losses they are +distinctly on the short side where submarine officers are concerned, so +they'll probably make it easy when I do my test. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +I see I have written nothing here for a fortnight; this is due to two +causes: Firstly, I have been so extraordinarily busy, and, secondly, I +have been most depressed through a letter I received from Fritz. It +contained two items of bad news. +</p> + +<p> +In the first place, I heard for the first time of the tragedy of +Heinrich Baumer's boat, and to my astonishment Fritz tells me that Rosa +and another girl were in her when she was lost! +</p> + +<p> +It appears that she was to go out for a couple of hours' diving off the +port as a matter of routine after her two months' overhaul. She went +out at 10 a.m., and was sighted from the signal station at the end of +the mole at 11.30, when almost immediately afterwards there was an +explosion and she disappeared. Motor-boats were quickly on the scene, +but only debris came to the surface. Divers were sent down, and +reported that she was in ten metres of water completely shattered. It +is assumed, for lack of other explanation, that she struck a chance +drifting mine which was moving down the coast on the tide. +</p> + +<p> +Meanwhile Rosa and another sister were missing from the hospital, and +after forty-eight hours someone put two and two together and started +investigations. It has been ascertained that Baumer motored down from +Bruges after breakfast, and that in the car were two figures taken to +be sailors, as they were muffled up in oilskins. This fact was noted by +the control sentries, as, though the day was showery, it was not +raining hard. Other scraps of evidence unite in showing that these were +the two girls who had apparently induced Baumer to take them out for a +dive as a treat. +</p> + +<p> +What a tragedy! However, it must have been quite instantaneous. Poor +Rosa, with all her vanities about war work, to think that the war would +claim her like that! [<a href="#f15">15</a>] +</p> + +<p class="ind"> +<a name="f15">15.</a> It is known that a boat with women on board was lost +whilst exercising off Zeebrugge in the Spring of 1917. This would +appear to be the boat in question.--ETIENNE. +</p> + +<p> +Fritz added that old Max is almost off his head with rage over the +whole business, and it is difficult to say whether he is more angry +over Baumer and the boat being lost, or over the fact that Baumer being +dead he is unable to administer those "disciplinary actions" in which +he delights. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Great excitement here, as the day after to-morrow His Imperial Majesty +the Kaiser and Hindenburg are due to pay Kiel a surprise visit. We are +to be inspected and addressed. Tremendous preparations are going on. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +His Majesty, accompanied by the great Field-Marshal, inspected us this +morning, and made a fine speech, of which we have been given printed +copies. I shall frame mine and hang it in my boat, if I get a command. +</p> + +<p> +I transcribe it: +</p> + +<p> +"Officers and men of the U-boat service: +</p> + +<p> +"In the midst of the anxious moments in which we live I have determined +to make time to come and witness in my own person the labours of those +on whom I and the Fatherland rely. Fresh from the great battles on the +West which are gnawing at the vitals of our hereditary enemies, I come +to those whose glorious mission it will be to strike relentlessly at +our most deadly and cunning enemy--cursed Britain. God is on our side +and will protect you at sea for, in the striking at the nation which +openly boasts that it aims at starving our women and children, you are +engaged on a mission of undoubted holiness. +</p> + +<p> +"You must sink and destroy even as of old the Israelites smote and +destroyed the alien races. +</p> + +<p> +"To the officers I would particularly say, my person is your honour, +and I am your supreme chief. From my hands you will receive honour, and +from my hands will proceed just punishment for the unhappy ones who +fail in their duty. +</p> + +<p> +"To the men I would say, trust and obey your officers as you would your +God. Officers and men! In you, your Kaiser and Fatherland place their +trust--let neither be disappointed!" +</p> + +<p> +After his address, His Majesty graciously spoke a few words to +individuals, of whom I had the signal honour of being one. I felt that +I was in the presence of an Emperor. His gestures, his eyes, his voice, +impressed me as belonging to a man born to command and to fill high +places. The Field-Marshal never opened his mouth. I understand from his +A.D.C. that he rarely speaks in public. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +The Colonel is KILLED! When I think about it, I am so excited I can +hardly write! +</p> + +<p> +I heard the great news last night, quite by accident. I was sitting in +the Mess after dinner, and picked up <i>Die Woche</i>, and glancing at the +pictures, I suddenly saw the portrait of Colonel Stein, of the +Brandenburgers, killed on the 7th instant near Ypres. I recognized the +ugly and bloated face immediately from the photograph of him which she +had once shown me. +</p> + +<p> +My first impulse was to send her a wire, but, on thinking matters over, +I decided that it would be difficult to put all my thoughts into the +curt sentences of a telegram, and, further, that as all wires are +doubtless examined at the Main Post Office at Bruges, it might lead to +trouble, so I wrote her a letter. +</p> + +<p> +This, in a way, has been an exhibition of weakness on my part, as I had +promised myself that I would not take the first step in reopening +communication; but I feel that the fortunate death of Stein has +completely altered the case. I told her in the letter that I realized +that I had made mistakes, but that if she still loved me with half the +strength that I loved her, then a telegram to me would make me the +happiest of men. +</p> + +<p> +I wrote that yesterday, but have had no wire. Perhaps, like me, she +distrusts telegrams and prefers letters. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +A long letter from Zoe: an accursed fetter--an abominable letter--a +damnable letter; she still refuses to marry me. I leave for Bruges +to-night on forty-eight hours' special leave. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +<i>Kiel, 17th.</i> +</p> + +<p> +I hate Zoe, she has broken my heart. +</p> + +<p> +After her preposterous letter of the 14th, I decided that in a matter +which so closely affected my happiness no stone ought to remain +unturned to ensure a satisfactory solution of the problem, so I +determined to have a personal interview. I arrived at Bruges after tea +and went at once to the flat. +</p> + +<p> +I tackled her immediately on the subject of her letter, and told her +that naturally I understood that a decent interval must elapse before +we married; but, granted this fact, I told her that I failed to see +what prevented our marriage. +</p> + +<p> +A most unpleasant and harrowing scene ensued, the details of which form +such painful recollections that I really cannot write them down here, +though in the passage of months I have acquired the habit of writing in +the pages of this journal with the same freedom as I would talk to that +wife whom I had hoped to possess. She maintained an obstinate silence +when I urged her to give me at least some tangible reason as to why she +would not marry me. She contented herself and maddened me by reflecting +in a kind of monotone: "I love you, Karl! and am yours, but I cannot +marry you." +</p> + +<p> +I could have beaten her till she was senseless, but I had enough sense +to realize that with Zoe, whose resolution, considering she is a woman, +amazes me, force is not the best method. As I continued to press her +(time was important: had I not journeyed far to see her?), those +glorious eyes of hers, which I love and whose power I dread, filled +with tears. I was a brute! I was heartless! I was inconsiderate! I +could not love her! I was cruel! And I know not what other accusation +crushed me down. +</p> + +<p> +Broken-hearted and dispirited, I told her to choose there and then. +</p> + +<p> +She collapsed on to a sofa in a storm of tears, and after a severe +mental struggle I took the only possible course, and leaving the +room--left her for ever. I have resumed my service life determined to +cast her out from my mind. +</p> + +<p> +I will not deceive myself: it will be hard. Love and Logic are deadly +enemies, but Logic must and shall prevail. Though I have seen her for +the last time, I cannot escape the net of fascination which the girl +has thrown over me. Perhaps in the course of time I shall slowly emerge +and free myself from its entanglements. At present I hate her for this +blow she has dealt me, and yet, O Zoe! my darling, how I long to be +with you! +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +To-day I went through my final test for qualification as U-boat +commander. +</p> + +<p> +At 9 a.m. I proceeded to sea in command of the U.11, one of the +instructional boats here. We proceeded out into Kiel Bay. On board and +watching my every movement was a committee consisting of a commander +and two lieutenant-commanders. +</p> + +<p> +On arrival at the entrance lightship, I was ordered to attack a convoy +of camouflaged ships which were just visible about fifteen kilometres +away off the Spit Bank. I had a very shrewd idea as to the course they +would steer, and on coming up for my final observation I found myself +in an excellent position, 1,000 metres on the bow of the leading ship. +The rest was easy. I gave the leader the two bow torpedoes, and, +turning sixteen points, fired my stern tube at the third ship of the +line. Two hits were obtained, and I returned to harbour well pleased +with myself. There is not the slightest chance of having failed to +qualify. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +My confidence in myself was not misplaced; I heard to-day that I am on +the command list, and anticipate in a few days being appointed to a +boat. I wonder which craft I shall get? +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +I met the A.D.C. to the Chief of the Staff at the school, at the +gardens, and in conversation with him discovered that he had heard that +three boats were being detached from the Flanders flotilla for an +unknown destination. This has given me an idea, for I feel that I can +never return to Bruges, and I was rather dreading being appointed to +one of the boats there. I have dropped a line to Fritz Regels, who is +on old Max's staff, and told him that I do not wish to return to +Bruges, and I further hinted that I understood a detached squadron was +proceeding somewhere, and, as far as I was concerned, the further the +better, if I could get into it. +</p> + +<p> +I have tried the night life at this place at the Mascotte and +Trocadero, [<a href="#f16">16</a>] in order to forget, but it is a poor consolation. +</p> + +<p class="ind"> +<a name="f16">16.</a> Two well-known cabarets at Kiel.--ETIENNE. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +A letter from Fritz, saying that he has an idea that Korting's boat +would suit me, though he could not of course give me further details in +a letter; however, he informs me positively that I shall not be at +Bruges. +</p> + +<p> +On the strength of this I have wired to Fritz, and asked him to try and +fix up an exchange between me and Korting, provided the latter is +agreeable and the people in Max's office have no objection. I have a +recollection that Korting's boat is one of the U.40--U.60 class, which +would suit me admirably, and, as for destination, I care not where it +is, provided only that it be far from Bruges. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +<i>At sea</i>. + +</p> + +<p> +I have quite neglected my poor old journal for several weeks. But I +have passed through an extraordinarily busy period. +</p> + +<p> +It was approved that I should relieve Korting, whose boat, the U.59, I +discovered to be refitting at Wilhelmshaven. I was very pleased not to +go back to Bruges, though as we steam steadily north at this moment I +cannot escape a sense of deep disappointment that upon my return from +this trip I shall not enjoy as of old the fascination of Zoe. But I +shall have plenty of time to get accustomed to this idea, for this is +no ordinary trip. +</p> + +<p> +We are bound for the North Cape and Murman Coast, where we remain until +well into the cold weather--at any rate, for three months. +</p> + +<p> +Our mission is to work off that fogbound and desolate coast, and attack +the constant stream of traffic between England and Archangel. There are +two other boats besides ourselves on the job, but we shall all be +working far apart. +</p> + +<p> +Our first billet is off the North Cape. In order to save time, we are +to be provisioned once a month in one of the fjords. I don't imagine +the Admiralty will have any difficulty in getting supplies up to us, as +at the moment we are off the Lofotens, and we actually have not had to +dive since we left the Bight! +</p> + +<p> +There seems to be nothing on the sea except ourselves. Where is the +much vaunted and impenetrable web of blockade which the English are +supposed to have spread around us? And yet many raw materials are +getting very short with us. I see that in this boat they have replaced +several copper pipes with steel ones during her refit, and this will +lead to trouble unless we are careful--steel pipes corrode so badly +that I never feel ready to trust them for pressure work. +</p> + +<p> +The truth about the blockade is that it is largely a paper blockade, +yet not ineffective for all that. Unfortunately for us, the damned +English and their hangers-on control the cables of the world, and hence +all the markets, and I don't suppose, to take the case of copper, that +a single pound of it is mined from the Rio Tinto without the British +Board of Trade knowing all about it. The neutral firms simply dare not +risk getting put on to the British Black List; it means ruination for +them. And then all these dollar-grabbing Yankees, enjoying all the +advantages of war without any of its dangers--they make me sick. +</p> + +<p> +This seems a most profitable job. I have only been up seven days, but +I've bagged four steamers, all by gun-fire, and all fat ships, brimful +of stuff for the Russians. My practice has been to make the North Cape +every day or two to fix position, as the currents are the most abnormal +in these parts, and I should say that the "Sailing Directions Pilotage +Handbook" and "Tidal Charts" were compiled by a gentleman at a desk who +had never visited these latitudes. +</p> + +<p> +At the moment I am standing well out to sea, as the immediate vicinity +of the North Cape has become rather unhealthy. +</p> + +<p> +Yesterday afternoon (I had sunk number four in the morning, and the +crew were still pulling for the coast) four British trawlers turned up. +These damned little craft seem to turn up wherever one goes. I longed +to have a bang at them with my gun, but, apart from the uncertainty as +to what they carried in the way of armament, I have strict orders to +avoid all that sort of thing, so I dived and steamed slowly west, came +up at dusk and proceeded to charge up my batteries. +</p> + +<p> +These U.60's are excellent boats, and I am very lucky to get one so +soon. I suppose Korting, being a married man, wants to stay near his +wife. I cannot write that word without painful memories of Zoe and idle +thoughts of what might have been. Well, perhaps it is for the best. I +am not sure that a member of the U-boat service has the right to get +married in war-time, for unless he is of exceptional mentality it must +affect his outlook under certain circumstances, though I think I should +have been an exception here. Then the anxiety to the woman must be +enormous; as every trip comes round a voice must cry within her, this +may be the last. The contrast between the times in harbour and the +trips is so violent, so shattering and clear cut. +</p> + +<p> +With a soldier's wife, she merely knows that he is at the front; with +us, at 8 p.m. one may be kissing one's wife in Bruges, and at 6 a.m. +creeping with nerves on edge through the unknown dangers of the Dover +Barrage--but I have strayed from what I meant to write about--my first +command and her crew. +</p> + +<p> +The quarters in this class are immensely superior to the U.C.-boats. +Here I have a little cabin to myself, with a knee-hole table in it. My +First Lieutenant, the Navigator and the Engineer have bunks in a room +together, and then we have a small officers' mess. +</p> + +<p> +On this job up here, as we are not to return to Germany for supplies, +and, consequently, I should say we may have to live on what we can get +out of steamers, I don't propose to use my torpedoes unless I meet a +warship or an exceptionally large steamer. +</p> + +<p> +The gun's the thing, as Arnauld de la Perrière has proved in the +Mediterranean; but half the fellows won't follow his example, simply +because they don't realize that it's no use employing the gun unless it +is used accurately, and good shooting only comes after long drill. +</p> + +<p> +I have impressed this fact on my gun crew, and particularly the two +gun-layers, and I make Voigtman (my young First Lieutenant) take the +crew through their loading drill twice a day, together with practice of +rapid manning of the gun after a "surface" or rapid abandonment of the +gun should the diving alarms sound in the middle of practice. I have +also impressed on Voigtman that I consider that he is the gun control +officer, and that I expect him to make the efficient working of the gun +his main consideration. +</p> + +<p> +As regards the crew, they are the usual mixed crowd that one gets +nowadays: half of them are old sailors, the others recruits and new +arrivals from the Fleet. My main business at the moment is to get the +youngsters into shape, and for this purpose I have been doing a number +of crash dives. It also gives me an opportunity of getting used to the +boat's peculiarities under water. She seems to have a tendency to +become tail-heavy, but this may be due to bad trimming. +</p> + +<p> +Voigtman has been in U.B.43 for nine months, and seems a capable +officer. Socially, I don't think he can boast of much descent, but he +has no airs, and treats me with pleasing respect, apart from service +considerations. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +A very awkward accident took place this morning, which resulted in +severe injury to Johann Wiener, my second coxswain. +</p> + +<p> +A party of men under his direction were engaged in shifting the stern +torpedo from its tube, in order to replace it with a spare torpedo, as +I never allow any of my torpedoes to stay in the tube for more than a +week at a time owing to corrosion. The torpedo which had been in the +tube had been launched back and was on the floor plates. +</p> + +<p> +The spare torpedo, destined for the vacant tube, was hanging overhead, +when without any warning the hook on the lifting band fractured, and +the 1,000 kilogrammes' mass of metal crashed down. +</p> + +<p> +Wonderful to relate, no one was killed, but two men were badly bruised, +and Wiener has been very seriously injured. He was standing astride the +spare torpedo, and his right leg was extremely badly crushed, mostly +below the knee. +</p> + +<p> +Unfortunately it took about ten minutes to release him from his +position of terrible agony. I should have expected him to faint, but he +did not. His face went dead white, and he began to sweat freely, but +otherwise endured his ordeal with praiseworthy fortitude. +</p> + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/201.jpg"><img src="images/201th.jpg" alt="The 1,000 kilogrammes of metal crashed down"></a> +</p> + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/202a.jpg"><img src="images/202tha.jpg" alt="Good-bye! Steer west for America!"></a> +</p> + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/202b.jpg"><img src="images/202thb.jpg" alt="It is a snug anchorage and here I intend to remain."></a> +</p> + +<p> +I am now confronted with a perplexing situation. I cannot take him back +to Germany; I cannot even leave my station and proceed south to any of +the Norwegian ports. If I could find a neutral steamer with a doctor on +board, I would tranship him to her; but the chances of this God-send +materializing are a thousand to one in these latitudes. If I sighted a +hospital ship I would close her, but as far as I know at present there +are no hospital ships running up here. The chances of outside +assistance may therefore be reckoned as nil. Wiener's hope of life +depends on me, and I cannot make up my mind to take the step which +sooner or later must be taken--that is to say, amputation. +</p> + +<p> +It is a curious fact, but true, nevertheless, that although, as a +result of the war, men's lives, considered in quantity, seem of little +importance, when it comes to the individual case, a personal contact, a +man's life assumes all its pre-war importance. +</p> + +<p> +I feel acutely my responsibility in this matter. I see from his papers +that he is a married man with a family; this seems to make it worse. I +feel that a whole chain of people depend on me. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Since I wrote the above words this morning, Wiener has taken a decided +turn for the worse. +</p> + +<p> +I have been reading the "Medical Handbook," with reference to the +remarks on amputation, gangrene, etc., and I have also been examining +his leg. The poor devil is in great pain, and there is no doubt that +mortification has set in, as was indeed inevitable. I have decided that +he must have his last chance, and that at 8 p.m. to-night I will +endeavour to amputate. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +<i>Midnight</i>. +</p> + +<p> +I have done it--only partially successful. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Last night, in accordance with my decision, I operated on Wiener. +Voigtman assisted me. It was a terrible business, but I think it +desirable to record the details whilst they are fresh in my memory, as +a Court of Inquiry may be held later on. Voigtman and I spent the whole +afternoon in the study of such meagre details on the subject as are +available in the "Medical Handbook." We selected our knives and a saw +and sterilized them; we also disinfected our hands. +</p> + +<p> +At 7.45 I dived the boat to sixty metres, at which depth the boat was +steady. We had done our best with the wardroom-table, and upon this the +patient was placed. I decided to amputate about four inches above the +knee, where the flesh still seemed sound. I considered it impracticable +to administer an anaesthetic, owing to my absolute inexperience in this +matter. +</p> + +<p> +Three men held the patient down, as with a firm incision I began the +work. The sawing through the bone was an agonizing procedure, and I +needed all my resolution to complete the task. Up to this stage all had +gone as well as could be expected, when I suddenly went through the +last piece of bone and cut deep into the flesh on the other side. An +instantaneous gush of blood took place, and I realized that I had +unexpectedly severed the popliteal artery, before Voigtman, who was +tying the veins, was ready to deal with it. +</p> + +<p> +I endeavoured to staunch the deadly flow by nipping the vein between my +thumb and forefinger, whilst Voigtman hastily tried to tie it. Thinking +it was tied, I released it, and alas! the flow at once started again; +once more I seized the vein, and once again Voigtman tried to tie it. +Useless--we could not stop the blood. He would undoubtedly have bled to +death before our eyes, had not Voigtman cauterized the place with an +electric soldering-iron which was handy. +</p> + +<p> +Much shaken, I completed the amputation, and we dressed the stump as +well as we could. +</p> + +<p> +At the moment of writing he is still alive, but as white as snow; he +must have lost litres of blood through that artery. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +9 <i>p.m.</i> +</p> + +<p> +Wiener died two hours ago. I should say the immediate cause of death +was shock and loss of blood. I did my best. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +We have been out on this extended patrol area seven days, but not a +wisp of smoke greets our eyes. +</p> + +<p> +Nothing but sea, sea, sea. Oh, how monotonous it is! I cannot make out +where the shipping has got to. Tomorrow I am going to close the North +Cape again. I think everything must be going inside me. I am too far +out here. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +The North Cape bears due east. Nothing afloat in sight. Where the devil +can all the shipping be? In ten days' time I am due to meet my supply +ship; meanwhile I think I'll have to take another cast out, of three +hundred miles or so. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Nothing in sight, nothing, nothing. +</p> + +<p> +The barometer falling fast and we are in for a gale. I have decided to +make the coast again, as I don't want to fail to turn up punctually at +the rendezvous. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +In the Standarak-Landholm Fjord--thank heavens. +</p> + +<p> +Heavens! we have had a time. We were still two hundred and fifty miles +from the coast when we were caught by the gale. And a gale up here is a +gale, and no second thoughts about it. To say it blew with the force of +ten thousand devils is to understate the case. The sea came on to us in +huge foaming rollers like waves of attacking infantry intent on +overwhelming us. +</p> + +<p> +We struggled east at about three knots. But she stuck it magnificently. +Low scudding clouds obscured the sky and came like a procession of +ghosts from the north-east. Sun observations were impossible for two +reasons. Firstly, no one could get on deck; secondly, there was no +visible sun. This lasted for three days, at the end of which time we +had only the vaguest idea as to where we were. +</p> + +<p> +The gale then blew out, but, contrary to all expectations, was +succeeded by a most abominable fog, thick and white like cotton-wool. +These were hardly ideal conditions under which to close a rocky and +unknown coast, but it had to be done. The trouble was that it was +entirely useless taking soundings, as the twenty-metre depth-line on +the chart went right up to the land. We crept slowly eastwards, till, +when by dead reckoning we were ten miles inside the coast, the +Navigator accidentally leant on the whistle lever; this action on his +part probably saved the ship, as an immediate echo answered the blast. +In an instant we were going full-speed astern. We altered course +sixteen points and proceeded ten miles westerly, where we lay on and +off the coast all night, cursing the fog. +</p> + +<p> +Next day it lifted, and we spent the whole time trying to find the +entrance to the S. Landholm Fjord. The coast appeared to bear no +resemblance to the chart whatsoever. +</p> + +<p> +The cliffs stand up to a height of several hundred metres, with +occasional clefts where a stream runs down. There are no trees, houses, +animals, or any signs of life, except sea birds, of which there are +myriads. The Engineer declares he saw a reindeer, but five other people +on deck failed to see any signs of the beast. +</p> + +<p> +After hours of nosing about, during which my heart was in my mouth, as +I quite expected to fetch up on a pinnacle rock, items which are +officially described in the Handbook as being "very numerous," we +rounded a bluff and got into a place which seems to answer the +description of S. Landholm. At any rate, it is a snug anchorage, and +here I intend to remain for a few days, and hope for my store-ship to +turn up. +</p> + +<p> +I've posted a daylight look-out on top of the bluff; it would be very +awkward to be caught unawares in this place, which is only about 150 +metres wide in places. +</p> + +<p> +I'm taking advantage of the rest to give the crew some exercises and +execute various minor repairs to the Diesels. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Yesterday we fought what must be one of the most remarkable single-ship +actions of the war. +</p> + +<p> +At 9 a.m. the look-out on the cliffs reported smoke to the northward. +</p> + +<p> +I got the anchor up and made ready to push off, but still kept the +look-out ashore. At 9.30 he reported a destroyer in sight, which seemed +serious if she chose to look into my particular nook. +</p> + +<p> +At any rate, I thought, I wouldn't be caught like a rat, so I got my +look-out on board--a matter of ten minutes--and then proceeded out, +trimmed down and ready for diving. +</p> + +<p> +When I drew clear of the entrance I saw the enemy distant about a +thousand metres. I at once recognized her as being one of the oldest +type of Russian torpedo boats afloat. When I established this fact, a + +devil entered into my mind, and did a most foolhardy act. +</p> + +<p> +I decided that I would not retreat beneath the sea, but that I would +fight her as one service ship to another. +</p> + +<p> +When I make up my mind, I do so in no uncertain manner--indecision is +abhorrent to me--and I sharply ordered, "Gun's Crew--Action." +</p> + +<p> +I can still see the comical look of wonderment which passed over my +First Lieutenant's face, but he knows me, and did not hesitate an +instant. We drilled like a battleship, and in sixty-five seconds--I +timed it as a matter of interest--from my order we fired the first +shot. It fell short. +</p> + +<p> +Extraordinary to relate, the torpedo boat, without firing a gun, put +her helm hard over, and started to steam away at her full speed, which +I suppose was about seventeen knots. +</p> + +<p> +I actually began to chase her--a submarine chasing a torpedo boat! It +was ludicrous. +</p> + +<p> +With broad smiles on their faces, my good gun's crew rapidly fired the +gun, and we had the satisfaction of striking her once, near her after +funnel, but it did no vital damage, as a few minutes afterwards she +drew out of range! What a pack of incompetent cowards! +</p> + +<p> +They never fired a shot at us. I suppose half of them were drunk or +else in a state of semi-mutiny, for one hears strange tales of affairs +in Russia these days. +</p> + +<p> +The whole incident was quite humorous, but I realized that I had hardly +been wise, as without doubt the English will hear of this, and these +trawlers of theirs will turn up, and I'm certainly not going to try any +heroics with John Bull, who is as tough a fighter as we are. +</p> + +<p> +Meanwhile, what of the supply ship, for I'm supposed to meet her here, +and it's already twenty-four hours since yesterday's epoch-making +battle and I expect the English any moment. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +My doubts were removed for me since I received special orders at noon +by high-power wireless from Nordreich, and on decoding them found that, +for some reason or other, we are ordered to proceed to Muckle Flugga +Cape, and thence down the coast of Shetlands to the Fair Island +Channel, where we are directed to cruise till further orders. Special +warning is included as to encountering friendly submarines. +</p> + +<p> +It appears to me that a special concentration of U-boats is being +ordered round about the Orkneys, and that some big scheme is on hand. +</p> + +<p> +We are now steering south-westerly to make Muckle Flugga, which I hope +to do in four days' time if the weather holds. +</p> + +<p> +These Northern waters have proved very barren of shipping in the last +few weeks, and this fact, coupled with the approaching winter weather, +which must be fiendish in these latitudes, makes me quite ready to +exchange the Archangel billet for the work round the Orkneys and +Shetlands, though this is damnable enough in the winter, in all +conscience. +</p> + +<p> +There is only one fly in the ointment, and that is that this premature +return to North Sea waters might conceivably mean a visit to Zeebrugge, +though this class are not likely to be sent there. +</p> + +<p> +Though it is many weeks since I left Zoe, I have not been able to +forget her. I continually wonder what she is doing, and often when I am +not on my guard she wanders into my thoughts. +</p> + +<p> +Whilst I am up here, it does not matter much, except that it causes me +unhappiness, but if I found myself at Bruges it would be very hard. +However, I don't suppose I shall ever see her again. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Sighted Muckle Flugga this morning, and shaped course for Fair Island. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Oh! what a hell I have passed through. I can hardly realize that I am +alive, but I am, though whether I shall be to-morrow morning is +doubtful--it all depends on the weather, and who would willingly stake +their life on North Sea weather at this time of the year? +</p> + +<p> +Curses on the man who sent us to the Fair Island Channel. Where the +devil is our Intelligence Service? If we make Flanders I have a story +to tell that will open their eyes, blind bats that they are, +luxuriating in the comfort of their fat staff jobs ashore. +</p> + +<p> +The Fair Island Channel is an English death-trap; it stinks with death. +By cursed luck we arrived there just as the English were trying one of +their new devices, and it is the devil. Exactly what the system is, I +don't quite know, and I hope never again to have to investigate it. +</p> + +<p> +For forty-seven, hours we have been hunted like a rat, and now, with +the pressure hull leaking in three places, and the boat half full of +chlorine, we are struggling back on the surface, practically incapable +of diving at least for more than ten minutes at a time. Even on the +surface, with all the fans working, one must wear a gas mask to +penetrate the fore compartment. Oh! these English, what devils they +are! +</p> + +<p> +Here is what happened: +</p> + +<p> +Fair Island was away on our port beam when we sighted a large English +trawler, which I suspected of being a patrol. To be on the safe side, I +dived and proceeded at twenty metres for about an hour. +</p> + +<p> +At 5 p.m. (approximately) I came up to periscope depth to have a look +round, but quickly dived again as I discovered a trawler, steering on +the same course as myself, about a thousand metres astern of me. This +was the more disconcerting, as in the short time at my disposal it +seemed to me that she was remarkably similar to the craft I had seen in +the afternoon, and yet this hardly seemed likely, as I did not think +she could have sighted me then. +</p> + +<p> +On diving, I altered course ninety degrees, and proceeded for half an +hour at full speed, then altered another ninety degrees, in the same +direction as the previous alteration, and diving to thirty metres I +proceeded at dead slow. By midnight I had been diving so much that I +decided to get a charge on the batteries before dawn; I also wanted to +be up at 1 a.m. to make my position report. +</p> + +<p> +I surfaced after a good look round through the right periscope, which, +as usual, revealed nothing. I had hardly got on the bridge, when a +flash of flame stabbed the night on the starboard beam and a shell +moaned just overhead. +</p> + +<p> +I crash-dived at once, but could not get under before the enemy fired a +second shot at us, which fortunately missed us. As we dived I ordered +the helm hard a starboard, to counteract the expected depth-charge +attack. We must have been a hundred and fifty metres from the first +charge and a little below it, five others followed in rapid succession, +but were further away, and we suffered no damage beyond a couple of +broken lights. The situation was now extremely unpleasant. I did not +dare venture to the surface, and thus missed my 1 a.m. signal from +Headquarters. I wanted a charge badly, and so proceeded at the lowest +possible speed. At regular intervals our enemy dropped one depth-charge +somewhere astern of us, but these reports always seemed the same +distance away. +</p> + +<p> +At dawn I very cautiously came up to periscope depth, and had a look. +To my consternation I discovered our relentless pursuer about 1,500 +metres away on the port quarter. In some extraordinary manner he had +tracked us during the night. +</p> + +<p> +I dived and altered course through ninety degrees to south. +</p> + +<p> +At 9 a.m. a tremendous explosion shook the boat from stem to stern, +smashing several lights, and giving her a big inclination up by the +bow. +</p> + +<p> +As I was only at twenty metres I feared the boat would break surface, +and our enemy was evidently very nearly right over us. I at once +ordered hard to dive, and went down to the great depth of ninety-five +metres. +</p> + +<p> +A series of shattering explosions somewhere above us showed that we +were marked down, and we were only saved from destruction by our great +depth, the English charges being set apparently to about thirty metres. +</p> + +<p> +At noon the situation was critical in the extreme. My battery density +was down to 1,150, the few lamps that I had burning were glowing with a +faint, dull red appearance, which eloquently told of the falling +voltage and the dying struggles of the battery. +</p> + +<p> +The motors with all fields out were just going round. The faces of the +crew, pallid with exhaustion, seemed of an ivory whiteness in the dusky +gloom of the boat, which never resembled a gigantic and fantastically +ornamental coffin so closely as she did at that time. +</p> + +<p> +The air was fetid. I struck a match; it went out in my fingers. The +slightest effort was an agony. I bent down to take off my sea-boots, +and cold sweat dropped off my forehead, and my pulse rose with a kind +of jerk to a rapid beating, like a hammer. +</p> + +<p> +I left one sea-boot on. +</p> + +<p> +At 1 p.m. a deputation of the crew came aft, and in whispered voices +implored me to surface the boat and make a last effort on the surface. +A muffled report, as our implacable enemy dropped a depth-charge +somewhere astern of us, added point to the conversation, and showed me +that our appearance on the surface could have but one end. +</p> + +<p> +At 3 p.m. the second coxswain, who was working the hydroplanes, fell +off his stool in a dead faint. +</p> + +<p> +At 3.30 p.m. the supreme crisis was reached: two more men fainted, and +I realized that if I did not surface at once I might find the crew +incapable of starting the Diesels. +</p> + +<p> +At the order "Surface," a feeble cheer came from the men. +</p> + +<p> +We surfaced, and I dragged myself-up to the conning tower. Luckily we +started the Diesels with ease, and in a few minutes gusts of beautiful +air were circulating through the boat. +</p> + +<p> +Meanwhile, what of the enemy? I had half expected a shell as soon as we +came up, and it was with great anxiety that I looked round. We had been +slightly favoured by fortune in that the only thing in sight was a +trawler away on the port beam. It was our hunter. +</p> + +<p> +I trimmed right down, hoping to avoid being seen, as it was essential +to stay on the surface and get some amperes into the battery. I also +altered course away from him. +</p> + +<p> +It was about 5 p.m. that I saw two trawlers ahead, one on each bow. By +this time the boat's crew had quite recovered, but I did not wish to +dive, as the battery was still pitiably low. I gradually altered course +to north-east, but after half an hour's run I almost ran on top of a +group of patrols in the dusk. +</p> + +<p> +I crash-dived, and they must have seen me go down, as a few minutes +later the boat was violently shaken by a depth-charge. +</p> + +<p> +We were at twenty metres, still diving at the time. I consulted the +chart, but could find no bottoming ground within fifty miles, a +distance which was quite beyond my powers. +</p> + +<p> +At 11 p.m. I simply had to come up again and get a charge on the +batteries. +</p> + +<p> +From 7 p.m. to 10 p.m., at regular half-hourly intervals, a +depth-charge had gone off somewhere within a radius of two miles of me. +Needless to say, I was only crawling along at about one knot and +altering course frequently. What was so terrible was the patent fact +that the patrols in this area had evidently got some device which +enabled them to keep in continual touch with me to a certain extent. +</p> + +<p> +These monotonous and regular depth-charges seemed to say: "We know, Oh! +U-boat, that we are somewhere near you, and here is a depth-charge just +to tell you that we haven't lost you yet." [<a href="#f17">17</a>] +</p> + +<p class="ind"> +<a name="f17">17.</a> Karl was quite right; it is evident that he had the +misfortune to encounter one of our new hydrophone-hunting groups, just +started In the Fair Island Channel. The incident of the depth-charges +every half-hour was known as "Tickling up." Probably the patrol only +heard faint noises from him.--ETIENNE. +</p> + +<p> +As an hour had elapsed since the last depth-charge, I felt fairly happy +at coming up, and on making the surface I was delighted to find a +pitch-black night and a considerable sea. From 10 p.m. to 1 a.m. I +actually had three hours of peace, and in this period I managed to cram +a considerable amount of stuff into the batteries. The densities were +rising nicely and all seemed well, when I did what I now see was a very +foolish thing. +</p> + +<p> +I made my 1 a.m. wireless report to Nordreich, in which I requested +orders at 3 a.m. and reported my position, together with the fact that +I had been badly hunted. +</p> + +<p> +In twenty-five minutes they were on me again! I had most idiotically +assumed that the English had no directional wireless in these parts. +They have. They've got everything that they have ever tried up there; +it was concentrated in that infernal Fair Island Channel. +</p> + +<p> +I was only saved by seeing a destroyer coming straight at me, +silhouetted against, the low-lying crescent of a new moon. When I dived +she was about six hundred metres away. As I have confessed to doing a +foolish thing, I give myself the pleasure of recording a cleverer move +on my part. I anticipated depth-charge attack as a matter of course, +but instead of going down to twenty-five metres, I kept her at twelve. +</p> + +<p> +The depth-charges came all right, seven smashing explosions, but, as I +had calculated, they were set to go off at about thirty metres, and so +were well below me. +</p> + +<p> +The boat was thrown bodily up by one, and I think the top of the +conning tower must have broken surface, but there was little danger of +this being seen in the prevailing water conditions. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +I have just had to stop recording my experiences of the past +forty-eight hours, as the Navigator, who is on watch, sent down a +message to say that smoke was in sight. +</p> + +<p> +The next hour was full of anxiety, but by hauling off to port we +managed to lose it. I then had a little food, and I will now conclude +my account before trying again to get some sleep. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +<i>The account continued.</i> +</p> + +<p> +All my hopes of getting up again that night, both for the purpose of +charging and of getting the 3 a.m. signal, were doomed to be +disappointed, as the hydrophone operator kept on reporting the noise of +destroyers overhead. Occasional distant thuds seemed to indicate a +never-ending supply of depth-charges, but they were about four or five +miles from me. Perhaps some other unfortunate devil was going through +the fires of hell. +</p> + +<p> +At daylight on the second day my position was still miserable. The +battery was getting low again, the sea had gone down, and when I put my +periscope up at 9 a.m. the horizon seemed to be ringed with patrols. I +felt as if I was in an invisible net, and though I endeavoured to +conceal my apprehension from the crew, I could see from the listless +way they went about their duties that they realized that once again we +were near the end of our resources. +</p> + +<p> +All the forenoon we crept along at thirty metres, until the tension was +broken at 1 p.m. by a furious depth-charge attack. In some +extraordinary way they had located me again and closed in upon me. The +first charges were some little distance off, and as they got closer a +feeling of desperation overcame me, and I seriously contemplated ending +the agony by surfacing and fighting to the last with my gun. +</p> + +<p> +Curiously enough, the procedure that I adopted was the exact opposite. +I decided to dive deep. I went down to 114 metres. At this exceptional +depth, three rivets in the pressure hull began to leak, and jets of +water with the rigidity of bars of iron shot into the boat. I held on +for five minutes, which was sufficient to save me from the depth-charge +attack, though two which went off almost above me broke some lamps. I +then came up to twenty metres and slowly crawled on. Throughout the +long afternoon, though we were not directly attacked again, I heard +depth-charges on several occasions sufficiently close to me to +demonstrate that these implacable and tireless devils had an idea of +the area I was in. +</p> + +<p> +By a supreme effort, working one motor at the only speed it would go, +viz., "Dead slow," I managed to squeeze out the battery until I +estimated it must be dusk. +</p> + +<p> +There was only one thing to do--I surfaced. It was not as dark as I had +hoped, and I saw a fairly large sloop-like vessel, about eight thousand +metres away, on the port beam. She must have seen me simultaneously, as +the flash of a gun darted from her, the shell falling short. +</p> + +<p> +I couldn't dive; there seemed only one thing to do: fight and then die. +I ordered the gun's crew up, and the unequal duel began. We were going +full speed on the Diesels, and my course was east by north. A good deal +of water and spray was flying over the gun, and my crew had little hope +of doing much accurate shooting, but I have often found that when one +is being fired at there is nothing so comforting as the sound of one's +own gun. +</p> + +<p> +Our enemy was armed with two large guns, fifteen centimetres or over, +but had no speed, a discovery which raised my hopes again. It was soon +evident that, provided we were not heading for another patrol, if we +could survive ten minutes' shelling, we should be saved for the time +being by the fading light, which was evidently causing our enemy +increasing difficulties, as his shots alternated between very short and +very much over. +</p> + +<p> +I was actually congratulating the Navigator on our escape, and I had +just told the gun's crew to cease firing at the blurred outlines on the +port quarter from which the random shells still came, when there was a +sheet of yellow flame and a jar which threw me against the signalman. +The latter had been standing near the conning-tower hatch, and +unfortunately I knocked him off his balance, and he fell with a thud +into the upper conning tower. He had the good fortune to escape with a +couple of ribs broken, but when I recovered myself and got to my feet, +far worse consequences met my eyes. +</p> + +<p> +By the worst of ill-luck, a shell which must have been fired +practically at random had hit the gun just below the port trunnion. +</p> + +<p> +The result of the explosion was very severe. Four of the seven men at +the gun had been blown overboard, the breech worker was uninjured, +though from the way he swayed about it was evident that he was dazed, +and I expected to see him fall over the side at any moment. The +remaining two men were as dead as horse-flesh. +</p> + +<p> +The material damage was even more serious. The gun had been practically +thrown out of its cradle, but in the main the trunnion blocks had held +firm, and the whole pedestal had been carried over to starboard. +</p> + +<p> +The really terrible effects of this injury were not apparent at first +sight, but I soon realized them, for an hour later (we had shaken off +the sloop) I saw red flame on the horizon, which plainly indicated +flaming at the funnel from some destroyer doubtless looking for us at +high speed. +</p> + +<p> +I dived, intending to surface again as soon as possible. With this +intention in my head, I did not go below the upper conning tower. We +had barely got to ten metres, when loud cries from below and the +disquieting noise of rushing water told me that something was wrong. I +blew all tanks, surfaced, left the First Lieutenant on watch and went +below. +</p> + +<p> +There were five centimetres of water on the battery boards, and I +understood at once that we could never dive again. +</p> + +<p> +For the pedestal of the gun, in being forced over, had strained the +longitudinal seam of the pressure hull, to which it is bolted, and a +shower of water had come through as soon as we got under. +</p> + +<p> +It might have been hoped that this was enough, but no! our cup was not +yet full. Chlorine gas suddenly began to fill the fore-end. The salt +water running down into the battery tanks had found acid, and though I +ordered quantities of soda to be put down into the tank, it became, and +still is at the moment of writing, impossible to move forward of the +conning tower without putting on a gas mask and oxygen helmet. So we +are helpless, and at the mercy of any little trawler, or even the +weather. +</p> + +<p> +We have no gun; we cannot dive. The English must know that they have +hit us, and every hour I expect to see the hull of a destroyer climb +over the horizon astern. +</p> + +<p> +We are fortunate in two respects: in that for the time being the +weather seems to promise well, and our Diesels are thoroughly sound. +</p> + +<p> +We are ordered to Zeebrugge--I could have wished elsewhere for many +reasons, but it does not matter, as I cannot believe we are intended to +escape. +</p> + +<p> +I feel I would almost welcome an enemy ship, it would soon be over; but +this uncertainty and anxiety drags on for hour after hour--and now I +cannot sleep, though I haven't slept properly for over seventy hours. I +am so worn out that my body screams for sleep, but it is denied to me, +and so, lest I go mad, I write; it is better to do this, though my eyes +ache and the letters seem to wriggle, than to stand up on the bridge +looking for the smoke of our enemies, or to lie in my bunk and count +the revolutions of the Diesels; thousands of thousands of thudding +beats, one after the other, relentless hammer strokes. +</p> + +<p> +I have endured much. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +<i>NOTE BY ETIENNE</i> +</p> + +<p> +<i>A break occurs in Karl von Schenk's diary at this juncture. Fortunately +the main outlines of the story are preserved owing to Zoe's long +letter, which was in a small packet inside the cover of the second +notebook. Zoe's letter will be reproduced in this book in its proper +chronological position, but in order to save the reader the trouble of +reading the book from the letter back to this point, a brief summary of +what took place is given here. The entries in his diary which follow +the words "I have endured much," are very meagre for a period which +seems to have been about a month in length. There is no further mention +of the latter stages of Karl's passage in the wrecked boat to +Zeebrugge, so it is presumed that he made that port without further +adventure. He was evidently on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and +appears to have been suffering from very severe insomnia. He had been +hunted for two days, during which he was perpetually on the verge of +destruction, and the cumulative effect of such an experience is bound +to leave its mark on the strongest man. When he got back to Zeebrugge +he must have been at the end of his tether, and whether by chance or +design it was when Karl was, as he would have said, "at a low mental +ebb" that Zoe made her last and successful attack upon his resolution +not to see her again unless she consented to marry him. It is plain +from her letter that when he left her after the stormy interview in +which he vowed never to see her again, Zoe did not lose hope. She seems +to have kept herself</i> au courant <i>with his movements, and actually to +have known when he was expected in.</i> +</p> + +<p> +<i>We know that she had many friends amongst the officers, and it is +probable that from one of these she was able to get information about +Karl's movements.</i> +</p> + +<p> +<i>Bruges was probably a hot-bed of U-boat gossip, and, not unlike the +conditions at certain other Naval ports during the war, the ladies were +often too well informed. At any rate it appears that Zoe rushed to see +Karl directly he arrived at Bruges, and found him a mental and physical +wreck, suffering from acute insomnia.</i> +</p> + +<p> +<i>With the impetuous vigour which evidently guided most of her actions, +she took complete charge of Karl, and, as he was due for four days' +leave, she whisked him off to the forest.</i> +</p> + +<p> +<i>Karl may have protested, but was probably in no state to wish to do so. +At her shooting-box in the forest Zoe achieved her desire, and the +stubborn struggle between the lovers ended in victory for the woman. +There is an entry in Karl's diary which may refer to this period; he +simply says, "Slept at last! Oh, what a joy!"</i> +</p> + +<p> +<i>If this entry was written in the forest, it seemed as if Karl had been +unable to sleep until Zoe carried him off to the forest peace of her +shooting-box and surrounded him with the atmosphere of her tender +sympathy.</i> +</p> + +<p> +<i>There is no evidence of the light in which Karl viewed his defeat, +when, having regained his strength, he was able to take stock of the +changed situation. It is reasonable to suppose that his silence upon +this matter in the pages of his diary is evidence that he was ashamed +of what he must have considered a great act of weakness on his part.</i> +</p> + +<p> +<i>At all events he realized that he had crossed the Rubicon and that he +had better acquiesce in the</i> fait accompli. +</p> + +<p> +<i>He seems to have been in harbour for about six weeks, during which he +lived with Zoe, and the lovers enjoyed a brief spell of happiness +before Karl set out on his next trip.</i> +</p> + +<p> +<i>Karl seems to have found those six weeks very pleasant ones, though his +diary merely contains brief references, such as: "A. day in the country +with Z."; "Z. and I went to the Cavalry dance," and other trivial +entries--of his thoughts there is not a word.</i> +</p> + +<p> +<i>About the end of 1917 Karl's boat was repaired, and he left for the +Atlantic; and once more resumed full entries in his diary.</i> +</p> + +<p> +ETIENNE. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +<i>Karl's Diary resumed</i>. +</p> + +<p> +Sailed at 9 p.m. last night, and we are now seventeen miles off Beachy +Head. The Straits of Dover were frightful; the glare of the acetylene +flares on the barrage showed for miles. Seen from a distance it gave me +the impression of the gates of hell, through which we had to pass. +</p> + +<p> +I dived, ten miles away, and went through with the tide at a depth of +forty metres. +</p> + +<p> +Two hours and three quarters of suspense, and at dawn we came up, +having passed safely through the great deathtrap. At the moment there +is nothing in sight, except a little smoke on the horizon. I am going +to dive again till dusk. +</p> + +<p> +2 <i>a.m.</i> +</p> + +<p> +We are thrashing down the Channel with a south-westerly wind right +ahead. My instructions are to work for two days between the Lizard and +Kinsale Head, and then proceed far out in the Atlantic, where the +convoys are supposed to meet the destroyers. +</p> + +<p> +That Fair Island Channel experience was enough for a lifetime. Death, +quick, short and sudden, this I am ready for. But torture, slow, long +and drawn-out, is not in the bargain which in this year of grace every +civilized man and half the savages of the world seem to have had to +make with the god Mars. +</p> + +<p> +As I sit in this steel, cigar-shaped mass of machinery, the question +rings incessantly in my ears: "To what object is all this war directed, +when analysed from the point of view of the individual?" +</p> + +<p> +It does not satisfy any longing of mine. I have not got a lust for +battle: no one who fights has a lust for battle. Editors of newspapers +and people on General +</p> + +<p> +Staffs, possibly also Cabinet Ministers, have lusts for battles, as +long as they arrange the battle and talk about it afterwards--curse +them! +</p> + +<p> +The only thing I want is to be with Zoe. I want to live and spend long +years with her, enjoying life--this life of which I have spent half +already, and now perhaps it will be taken from me by some other man: +some Englishman who doesn't really want to take my life, reckoned as an +individual. +</p> + +<p> +Around me in the darkness are the patrol boats, manned by the +Englishmen who are seeking my life. Seeking it, not to gratify their +private emotions, but because we are all in the whirlpool of War and +cannot escape. +</p> + +<p> +Like an avalanche, it seems to gather strength and speed as it rolls +on, this War of Nations. The world must be mad! I cannot see how it can +ever stop. England will never be defeated at sea. We shall conquer on +land--then what? +</p> + +<p> +An inconclusive peace. +</p> + +<p> +Even if we smash this island Empire and gain the dominion of the world, +how will it advantage me? I can see no way in which I can gain. +</p> + +<p> +It would be said, if any one should read this: <i>Gott</i>! what a selfish +point of view--he thinks only of his personal gain, not of his country. +</p> + +<p> +But, confound it all, I reply, answer me this: +</p> + +<p> +Do I exist for my country, or does my country exist for me? +</p> + +<p> +For example, does man live for the sake of the Church, or was the +Church created for man? +</p> + +<p> +Does not my country exist for my benefit? +</p> + +<p> +Surely it is so. +</p> + +<p> +Then again, I am risking my all, my life; I live in danger, +apprehension and great discomfort; I do all these things, and yet if as +a reasonable man I ponder what advantage I am to gain from all these +sacrifices I am adjudged selfish. +</p> + +<p> +It is all madness; I cannot fathom the meaning of these things. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +In position on the Bristol line of approach, the weather is bad. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +<i>At twenty metres.</i> +</p> + +<p> +Once again Death has stretched forth his bony fingers to catch me by +the throat, and only by a chance have I wriggled free. +</p> + +<p> +Yesterday afternoon at 5 p.m. we sighted a small steamer flying Spanish +colours and steering for Cardiff. The weather was choppy, but not too +bad, and I decided to exercise the gun's crew, though I did not think +there would be much doing, as the Spaniards soon give in. +</p> + +<p> +I opened fire at six thousand metres, and pitched a shell ahead of her +and ran up the signal to heave-to. The wretched little craft paid no +attention, and continued on her lumbering course. I suspected the +presence of an Englishman on her bridge, and determined to hit. +</p> + +<p> +This we did with our sixth shot, and she stopped dead and wallowed in +the trough, with clouds of steam pouring out of her engine-room; we had +evidently got the engine-room. +</p> + +<p> +As we closed her, it was evident that a tremendous panic was taking +place on board. The port sea boat was being launched, but one fall +broke and the occupants fell into the water. My Navigator begged me to +give her another, which I did, and hit her right aft. Two boatloads of +gesticulating individuals now appeared from the shelter of her lee side +and began pulling wildly away from the ship. +</p> + +<p> +The Navigator, whose eyes were dancing with excitement, was very keen +to play with them by spraying the water with machine-gun bullets; but +it seemed to me to be waste of ammunition, and I would not permit it. +</p> + +<p> +Meanwhile we had approached to within about four hundred metres of her +port bow. I was debating whether to accelerate her sinking, when I +noticed that a fire had broken out aft, and I became possessed with a +childish curiosity to see the fire being put out as she sank. It was a +kind of contest between the elements. +</p> + +<p> +As I watched her, I was startled to hear three or four reports from the +region of the fire. +</p> + +<p> +"Ammunition!" shouted the pilot, with wide-opened eyes. +</p> + +<p> +In an instant I pressed the diving alarm as I realized our deadly +peril. Fool that I had been, she was a decoy-ship. They must have +realized on board that I had seen through their disguise, for as we +began to move forward, under the motors, a trap-door near her bows fell +down, the white ensign was broken at the fore, and a 4-inch gun opened +fire from the embrasure that was revealed on her side. +</p> + +<p> +We were fortunate in that our conning tower was already right ahead of +the enemy, and as I dropped down into the conning tower, I saw that as +she could not turn we were safe. +</p> + +<p> +A few shells plunged harmlessly into the water near our stern, and then +we were under. +</p> + +<p> +We came up to a periscope depth, and I surveyed her from a position off +her stern. She was sinking fast, but I felt so furious at being nearly +trapped that I could not resist giving her a torpedo; detonation was +complete, and a mass of wreckage shot into the air as the hull of the +ship disappeared. As to the two boats, I left them to make the best +course to land that they could. +</p> + +<p> +As they were fifty miles off the shore when I left them and it blew +force six a few hours afterwards, I rather think they have joined the +list of "Missing." We are now steering due west to our second position. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Received orders last night to return to base forthwith on the north +about route. [<a href="#f18">18</a>] +</p> + +<p class="ind"> +<a name="f18">18.</a> This means into the North Sea round Scotland.-- +</p> + +<p> +I have shaped course to pass fifty miles north of Muckle Flugga; no +more Fair Island Channel for me. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Statlandlet in sight, with the Norwegian coast looking very lovely +under the snow--we never saw a ship from north of the Shetlands to this +place, when we saw a light cruiser of the town class steaming +south-west at high speed. +</p> + +<p> +She had probably been on patrol off this place, where the Inner and +Outer Leads join up and ships have to leave the three-mile limit. +</p> + +<p> +She was well away from me, and an attack would have been useless. I did +not shed any tears; I have lost much of the fire-eating ideas which +filled my mind when I first joined this service. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +We are due off the mole at 8 p.m. tonight, and my heart leaps with joy +at the thought of seeing my Zoe; already I can almost imagine her +lovely arms round my neck, her face raised to mine, and all the other +wonderful things that make her so glorious in my eyes. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +<i>NOTE BY ETIENNE</i> +</p> + +<p> +Before quoting the next entry in Karl's journal it is necessary to +explain the situation which confronted him when he arrived in +Zeebrugge. In his absence, his beloved Zoe had been arrested as an +Allied Agent, and she was tried for espionage within a day or two of +his arrival. There is no record of how he heard the news, and the blow +he sustained was probably so terrible that whilst there was yet hope he +felt no desire to write; but, as will be seen, there came a time when +he turned to his journal as the last friend that remained to him. It is +a curious fact that, with the exception of an entry at the beginning of +this journal, Karl makes little mention of his mother and home at +Frankfurt. Though he does not say so, it seems possible that his mother +had heard of his entanglement with Zoe, and a barrier had risen between +them; this suggestion gains strength from the fact that in his blackest +moments of despair he never seems to consider the question of turning +to Frankfurt for sympathy. Interest is naturally aroused as to the +details of Zoe's trial. The available material consists solely of the +long letter she wrote to him from Bruges jail. It may be that one day +the German archives of the period of occupation will reveal further +details. Information on the subject is possibly at the disposal of the +British Intelligence Service, but this would be kept secret. All we +know on the matter is derived from the letter, which has been preserved +inside the second volume of Karl's diary. +</p> + +<p> +There seems no doubt that she was caught red-handed, but to say more +would be to anticipate her own words. +</p> + +<p> +It was a matter of some difficulty to know where best to introduce +Zoe's letter, but with a view to securing as much continuity of thought +in the story as possible it has been decided to quote it at this +juncture, although he did not receive it until after he had made the +entry in the journal which will be quoted directly after the letter. +</p> + +<p> +I would like to appeal to any reader who may happen to be engaged in +administrative or reconstructive work in Belgium, to communicate with +me, care of Messrs. Hutchinson, should he handle any papers dealing +with Zoe's trial. +</p> + +<p> +<i>ETIENNE</i>. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +ZOE'S LETTER +</p> + +<p> +MY BEST BELOVED, +</p> + +<p> +When you get this letter cease to sorrow for what will have happened, +for I shall be at rest, and in peace at last, freed from a world in +which I have known bitter sorrow and, until you came into my life, but +little joy. +</p> + +<p> +For these past months I am grateful to God, if such a being exists and +regulates the conduct of a world gone mad. +</p> + +<p> +For in a few hours I am to die. +</p> + +<p> +It is harder for you than for me; one moment of agony I suffered, a +moment that seemed to last a century, when, amidst the sea of faces +that swam in a confused mass before me at the trial, I saw your eyes +and the torture that you were suffering. When I saw your eyes I knew +that the President had said I must die. I am glad that I was told this +by you, the only one amongst all these men who loved me. I suppose the +President spoke; I never heard him, but I saw your eyes and I knew. +</p> + +<p> +My darling, it was cruel of you to come, cruel to me and cruel to +yourself, but I loved you for being there; it showed me that up till +the last you would stand by me, and until you read this you cannot know +all the facts. That to you, as to the others, I must have seemed a +woman spy and that nevertheless you stood by me, is to me a +recollection of unsurpassable sweetness, compared with which all other +thoughts of you fade into insignificance. +</p> + +<p> +Know now, oh, well beloved, that I was not unworthy of your love. +</p> + +<p> +I have a story to tell you, and I have such a little time left that I +must write quickly. The priest who has been with me comes again an hour +before the dawn, and he has promised to deliver these my last words of +love into your hands. +</p> + +<p> +My real name is Zoe Xenia Olga Sbeiliez, and I was born twenty-nine +years ago at my father's country house at Inkovano, near Koniesfol. I +am Polish; at least, my father was, and my mother comes from the Don +country. There was a day when my father's ancestors were Princes in +Poland. Poor Poland was torn by the vultures of Europe, just as your +countrymen, my Karl, are tearing poor Belgium and France, and so my +family lost estates year by year, and my grandfather is buried +somewhere in the dreary steppes of Siberia because he dared to be a +Polish patriot. +</p> + +<p> +My father bowed before the storm, and under my mother's influence he +never became mixed up with politics. Thus he lived on his estates at +Inkovano, and nursed them for my younger brother, Alexandrovitch, the +child of his old age. Alex would be nineteen now, had he lived. The +estates were large as these things go in Western Europe, but they were +but a garden as compared with the lands held by my great-grandfather, +Boris Sbeiliez. +</p> + +<p> +My father had a dream, and he dreamed this dream from the day Alex was +born to the day they both died in each other's arms. +</p> + +<p> +My father dreamt that one day the Tsars would soften their heart to +Poland, and raise her up from the dust to a place amongst the nations, +and my father dreamt that Alexandrovitch Sbeiliez would become a leader +of Poland, as his ancestors had been before him. And so my father +nursed his estates and pinched and saved, in preparation for the day +when his beautiful dream should come true. +</p> + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/251.jpg"><img src="images/251th.jpg" alt="A trapdoor near her bows fell down, the White Ensign was broken at the fore, and a 4-inch gun opened fire from the embrasure that was revealed on her side"></a> +</p> + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/252.jpg"><img src="images/252th.jpg" alt="I sighted two convoys, but there were destroyers there..."></a> +</p> + +<p> +My poor idealistic father never realized, oh, my Karl, that when one +wants a thing one must fight--to the death. Alex was the apple of his +eye, but I was much loved by my mother; perhaps she dreamed a dream +about me--I know not, but she determined that I should have all that +was necessary. Paris, Berlin, Munich, Dresden, and a season in London, +then I came home at twenty-one, perfectly educated according to the +world, beautiful according to men, and dressed according to Paris. But +I was only to find out how little I knew. My mother and I used to take +a house in Warsaw for the season, and I met many notable men and women. +In these days I, also, thought I could do something for Poland, but +after two or three seasons I found that I, too, was only dreaming idle +dreams. Oh! my beloved, beware of dreaming idle dreams. +</p> + +<p> +Listen! I once met the Prime Minister of all Russia at a reception. I +captivated him, and thought, now! now! I shall do something. +</p> + +<p> +I sat next to him at dinner; I talked of Poland--and I knew my +subject--I talked brilliantly; he listened, he hung on my words, and +he, the Prime Minister of all Russia, the Tsar's right-hand man, asked +me to drive with him next day in his sledge. I, an almost unknown +Polish girl! +</p> + +<p> +When I accepted, I was in the seventh heaven of delight. +</p> + +<p> +Next day he called and we set forth; at a deserted spot in the woods +near Warsaw he tried to kiss me--I struck him in the face with the butt +of his own whip. +</p> + +<p> +That was why he had hung on my words, that was why he had taken me for +my drive; it was my Polish body that interested <i>him</i>--not Poland. +</p> + +<p> +The Prime Minister of Russia was confined to his room for two days, +"owing to an indisposition." How I laughed when I saw the bulletin in +the paper, signed by two doctors, but it taught me a lesson; I never +dreamt idle dreams again. +</p> + +<p> +No, I am wrong, my beloved. I dreamt an idle dream, a lovely dream +about you and I. An after-the-war dream, if this war should ever end, +but like other dreams it has ended--in dreams. +</p> + +<p> +But I must hurry, for my little watch tells me that one hour of my five +has gone, and I have much to say. +</p> + +<p> +I could have married, and married brilliantly, but Poland held me back. +I did not know what I could do for my country, it all seemed so +hopeless, and yet I felt that perhaps one day ... and I felt I ought to +be single when that day came. +</p> + +<p> +It was not easy, my Karl, sometimes it was hard; one man there was, +Sergius was his Christian name; he loved me madly, and sometimes I +thought--but no matter, he is dead now, killed at Tannenberg, and +I--well, I will tell you more of my story. +</p> + +<p> +When the war broke out and clouded over that last beautiful summer in +1914 (I wonder will there ever be another like it in your lifetime, my +Karl? No, I don't think it can ever be quite the same after all this!), +we were all in the country. Alex was back from his school in Petrograd, +and my father kept him at home for the autumn term. +</p> + +<p> +How well I remember the excitement, the mobilization, the blessing of +the colours, the wave of patriotism which swept over the country; even +I, under the influence of the specious proclamations that were issued +broadcast by the Government, with their promises of reform, and redress +for Poland after the war was over, felt more Russian than Polish. Lies! +Lies! Lies! that was what the Government promises were, my Karl. +</p> + +<p> +Under the stress of war the rottenness of that great whited sepulchre, +Russia, feared the revival of the Polish spirit; it might have been +awkward, and so they lied with their tongues in their cheeks, and we +simple Poles believed them; the peasantry flocked to their depots, +little knowing whom they fought, but the proclamations which were read +to them told them they fought for Poland, and we women worked and +prayed for the success of Russian arms. +</p> + +<p> +Then the tide of war swept westward, and all day long and every day the +troops, and the guns and the motor-cars and the wagons rolled through +the village to the west. +</p> + +<p> +Guarded hints in the papers seemed to say that all was not well in +France, but France was so far away, and all the time the Russians were +going west through our village. Mighty Russia was putting forth her +strength, and the Austrian debacle was in full swing; these were great +days, my Karl, for a Russian! +</p> + +<p> +Then one day the long columns of men and all the traffic seemed to +hesitate in the sluggish westward flow, and then it stopped, and then +it began to go east. The weeks went on, and one day, very, very +faintly, there was a rumbling like a distant thunderstorm. It was the +guns! The front was coming back. +</p> + +<p> +Have you ever seen forest fires, my Karl? We had them every autumn in +our woods. If you have, then you know how all the small animals and the +birds, the rabbits and the foxes, and perhaps a wolf or two, and the +deer, and the thrushes and the linnets come out from the shelter of the +trees, fleeing blindly from the great peril, anxious only to save their +lives. So it was when the front came back. Herds of moujiks, the old +men, the women, the children, the poor little babies, struggled blindly +eastwards through the village. +</p> + +<p> +Pushing their miserable household gods on handcarts, or staggering +along with loads on their backs, and weary children dragging at their +arms, the human tide flowed eastwards, round our house, begged perhaps +a drink of water, and then wandered feverishly onwards. +</p> + +<p> +They knew not in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred where they were +going; their only destination was summed up in the words, "Away from +the Front"--away from the ominous rumbling which began to get louder, +away from that western horizon which was beginning to have a lurid glow +at nights, like a sunset prolonged to dawn. +</p> + +<p> +Then, as the Germans advanced more and more, the character of the tide +changed, the civilian element was outnumbered by the military. +Companies, battalions, brigades, sometimes in good order, sometimes in +no order, marched through the village. They would often halt for a +short time, and the officers would come up to the house, where my +mother and I gave them what we could. My father lived amongst his books +and accounts, and bemoaned the extravagance of the war. Then there were +the deserters, the stragglers, the walking wounded, the--but you know, +my Karl, what an army in retreat means. +</p> + +<p> +I must proceed with my story, for time moves relentlessly on. +</p> + +<p> +One day a desperately wounded officer, a young Lieutenant of the Guard, +a boy of twenty-five, was taken out of a motor ambulance to die. +</p> + +<p> +The ambulance had stopped opposite our gates, and lying on his +stretcher he had seen our garden, my garden. He knew he was to die, and +he had begged with tears in his eyes to the doctor that he might be +left in the garden. +</p> + +<p> +Who could refuse him? +</p> + +<p> +He died within two hours, amongst our flowers, with Alex and I at his +side. +</p> + +<p> +Before he died, he begged us, implored us, almost ordered us, to move +east before it was too late. +</p> + +<p> +We repeated his arguments to my father, but the latter was obdurate, +and he swore that a regiment of angels would not move him from his +ancestral home. So we made up our minds to stay. +</p> + +<p> +Things got worse and worse, and one day shells fell in the grounds and +we hid in the cellars. That night all our servants ran away, and my +father cursed them for cowards. Next day in the early morning we heard +machine guns fire outside the village, and then all was still. +</p> + +<p> +At six o'clock Alex, white-faced, came running into the house. He had +been down to the gates and he had seen the enemy. They were drunk, he +said, and going down the street firing the houses and shooting the +people as they came out. +</p> + +<p> +It seemed impossible and yet it was true. It was growing dark, when we +heard shouts and saw lights, and from the top of the house I saw a +crowd of singing and shouting soldiers, with pine torches, half +running, half walking up the drive. +</p> + +<p> +They massed in a body opposite the house. Paralysed with terror, I +looked down on the scene, and shuddered to see that every second man +seemed to have a bottle. One of them fired a shot at the house, and +next I remember a flood of light on the drive, and, in the circle of +light, my father standing with hand raised. What my father intended can +never be known, for, as he paused and faced the mob, a solitary shot +rang out, and he fell in a huddled heap. +</p> + +<p> +As he fell, a boyish voice from the door shouted "Murderers!" It was +Alex. With his little pistol I had given him for a birthday present in +his hand, he ran forward and, standing over my father's body, head +thrown back, he pointed his pistol at the mob and fired twice. A man +dropped, there was a flash of steel, the crowd surged forward, +and--and, oh! my Karl, they had murdered my beloved brother, my darling +Alex. +</p> + +<p> +The next moment they were in the house. I escaped from my window on to +the roof of the dairy, and from there down a water-pipe, across the +yard to an old hay-loft. For a long time they ran in and out of the +house, like ants, looting and pillaging; then there was a great shout, +and for some time not a soul came out of the house. I guessed they had +got into the cellars. At about midnight I saw that the house was on +fire. In a few minutes it was an inferno and the drunken soldiers came +pouring out, firing their rifles in all directions. +</p> + +<p> +I had found a piece of rope in the loft. One end I placed on a hook and +the other round my neck. I was close to the upper doors of the loft, +with a drop to the courtyard, and thus I stayed, for I feared that some +soldier, more sober than the rest, might explore the outhouses and find +me. I was watching this unearthly spectacle, and never, my best +beloved, did I conceive that man could become lower than the beasts, +but before my eyes it was so, when I noticed that the great gates at +the southern end of the courtyard were opening. As they opened I saw +that beyond them were drawn up a line of men. An officer gave an order, +and two machine guns were placed in position in the gate entrance; +round the guns lay their crews, and the seething mass of revellers saw +nothing. I felt that a fearful tragedy was impending, and as I held my +breath with anxiety the officer gave a short, sharp movement with his +hand and a hideous rattle rose above all noises. The pandemonium that +ensued was indescribable. Some ran helplessly into the burning house, +others ran round and round in circles, others tried to get into the +dairy; one man got upon its roof and fell back dead as soon as his head +appeared above the outer wall. The place was surrounded. It was +horrible. A few tried to rush for the gate, they melted away like snow +before the sun, as their bodies met the pitiless stream of bullets. I +suppose two hundred men were killed in as many seconds. The machine +guns ceased fire. Ambulance parties came into the yard, collected the +dead and living, and within half an hour there was not a soul save +myself in the place. Discipline had received its oblation of men's +lives. +</p> + +<p> +As an example, it was one of the most wonderful things I have ever +known in your wonderful army, my Karl, but it was terrible--terribly +cruel. +</p> + +<p> +I never knew what became of my mother, though I feel she is +dead--murdered, perhaps, like my father and my darling Alex, or perhaps +she hid somewhere in the house and remained petrified with terror till +the flames came. Next morning I left my hiding-place and walked about. +Not a German was to be seen, but in the wood was a huge newly-made +grave. It was all open warfare then, and this flying column, which was +miles in advance of the main body, had moved on. The house was a +smoking mass of ruins, but the farm buildings had been spared, and I +let out all the poor animals and turned them into the woods, so that +they might have their chance. +</p> + +<p> +All day I searched for my father and brother, but not a sign was to be +seen, and at dusk I stood alone, faint and broken, amongst the ruins of +my ancestors' home. As I looked at this scene of desolation and I +contrasted what had been my life twenty-four hours before and what it +was then, something seemed to snap in my brain, and for the first time +I cried. Oh! the blessed relief of those tears, my Karl, for I was a +poor weak, helpless girl, and alone with death and bitterness all round +me. Late that night I hid once more in my hay-loft and next morning I +left Inkovano for ever. Before I left, I made a vow. It is because of +this vow, my beloved, that I am to die. For I vowed by the body of our +Saviour and the murdered bodies of my family that, whilst life was in +me and the war was maintained, for so long would I work unceasingly for +the Allies against Germany. As the war ran its fiery course, I have +seen more and more that the Allies are the only ones who will do +anything for Poland, my beloved country, so have I been strengthened in +my vow. +</p> + +<p> +I struck south on my feet, as a poor girl--I, the daughter of a +princely family of Poland! No hardships were too great for me, provided +I could reach Allied territory. I travelled from village to village as +a singing girl, and once I was driven away with stones by villagers set +upon me by a fanatical priest. I came by Cracow, and across the +Carpathians, helped to pass the lines by a Hungarian Lieutenant--but I +tricked him of his reward; I was not ready for that sacrifice. Then +across the Hungarian plains to Buda-Pesth, where I remained three weeks, +singing in a third-rate café, to make some money for my next stage. But +I had to leave too soon--the old story!--this time it was the +proprietor's son. What beasts men are, my Karl! And yet to me you are +above all other men, a prince amongst your fellows, and never did I +love you so distractedly as that first night at the shooting-box, when +I read the scorn in your eyes as you rejected me. I have no shame in +telling you this. Am I not already in the grave? And then I must be +silent and can only await your coming. After many struggles, wearisome +to relate, I came to Hermanstadt, and there, whilst pushing my trade as +a dancer, came into touch with a Hungarian band of smugglers, working +across the mountain passes between Eastern Hungary and Roumania. I did +certain work for these men, and in return crossed with them one bitter +night in a thunderstorm into Roumania. At Bukharest I got a good +engagement, and when I had saved a thousand marks, I bought a passport +for five hundred, and came to Serbia, then staggering beneath the great +Austrian offensive. +</p> + +<p> +Once again I was in the horrors of a retreat, but I escaped, reaching +Valona, and crossed to Brindisi, by the aid of a French officer to whom +I told my story and who believed me. His name is Pierre Lemansour, and +he lives at Bordeaux. +</p> + +<p> +If fortune places him in your power, be kind to him, my Karl, for your +Zoe's sake. +</p> + +<p> +I came to Rome; and thence to Paris. I stayed here three weeks, singing +in a cabaret. Whilst here I tried to advance my plans in vain! What +could I, a poor girl, do for the Allies? The Embassy laughed at me, all +except one young attaché who tried to make love to me. +</p> + +<p> +Then I thought of England--England, and her cold, hard islanders, +phlegmatic in movements, slow to hate, slow to move, but once +roused--ah! they never let go, these islanders! +</p> + +<p> +One of their poets has said: "The mills of God grind slowly, but they +grind exceeding small." +</p> + +<p> +That, my Karl, is like England. +</p> + +<p> +They are your most terrible enemies, and you know it. +</p> + +<p> +Do not be angry with me when you read this. +</p> + +<p> +For me it is Poland, for you Germany. +</p> + +<p> +Where I am going in a few hours there is no Poland, no Germany, no +England, no war. And perhaps, perhaps, no love. +</p> + +<p> +You and I, Karl, have loved, too well, perchance, but our love was +above even the love of countries. +</p> + +<p> +God made the love of men and women, then men and women created their +countries. +</p> + +<p> +I see the future before me, Karl, and I foresee that the struggle will +be at the end of all things, between England and Germany. One will be +in the dust. +</p> + +<p> +Thus, I crossed to England and was swallowed up in the great city of +London. England has always had a corner of her calculating heart for +the small nations, and in London there is a Polish organization. I +applied there, and one day I was taken to the Foreign Office, and found +myself alone with a great Englishman. His name was--No, I promised, and +it will not matter to you, for though he gave me my chance, I have no +love for him, and he will never be in your power. Even as I write these +words, he has probably taken a list from a locked safe and neatly ruled +a red line through the name Zoe Sbeiliez. I tell you they know +everything, these Englishmen. I told him my story, and then he asked me +whether I was prepared to do all things for the Allies. I told him I +was. He then said that I could go as agent for a back area in Belgium, +and my centre would be Bruges. I agreed, and asked him innocently +enough how I was to live in Bruges. He looked up from his desk and +said: +</p> + +<p> +"You will be given facilities to cross the Belgium-Holland frontier, as +a German singer." +</p> + +<p> +"And then?" I asked. +</p> + +<p> +"You will go to Bruges and make friends with an Army officer; he must +be high up on the staff." +</p> + +<p> +I guessed what he meant, but hoped against hope, and I said: "How?" +</p> + +<p> +I can still see his fish-like face, hair brushed back with scrupulous +care, as without a shadow of emotion he looked up, puffed his pipe, and +said in matter-of-fact tones: +</p> + +<p> +"You have a pretty face and an excellent figure. Need I say more?" +</p> + +<p> +I could have struck him in the face. I was speechless, my mind a whirl +of conflicting emotions. I was roused by the level tones again. +</p> + +<p> +"Is it too much--for Poland?" +</p> + +<p> +Oh! the cunning of the man; he knew my weakness. Mechanically, I +agreed. Certain details were settled, and he pressed a bell. Within +five minutes I was walking back to my lodgings. +</p> + +<p> +Thanks to a marvellous organization, which your police will never +discover, my Karl, within <i>three weeks</i> I was singing on the Bruges +music-hall stage, and accepted without question as being what I was +not, a German artist from Dantzig. The men were soon round me, but I +had no use for youngsters with money. I wanted a man with information. +At last I found my man--the Colonel. He was on the Headquarters staff +of the XIth Army, the army of occupation in Belgium, when I first met +him. Subsequently he went back to regimental work; but by the time he +was killed (and to realize what a release that meant for me, you would +have had to have lived with him) I had established regular sources of +information concerning which I will say no more. Let your country's +agents find them if they can. This must I say for the Colonel: he was a +brute and a drunkard, but in his own gross way he loved me, and he +licked my boots at my desire, but I had to pay the price. You are a +man, and with all your loving sympathy you can but dimly realize what +this costs a woman. To me it was a dual sacrifice of honour and life, +but it was for Poland, and the memories of my parents and Alex steeled +me and strengthened my resolution, and so, and so, my Karl, I paid the +price. +</p> + +<p> +My special work was on the military side, and consisted in making +quarterly reports on the general dispositions of large bodies of +troops, the massing of corps for spring offensives, and big pushes and +hammer blows. +</p> + +<p> +Then you came into my life! When the Colonel used to go away it was my +habit to mix in the demi-mondaine society of Bruges, to try and live a +few hours in which I could forget--oh! don't think the worst! <i>That</i> +sort of thing had no attraction for me. I didn't seek oblivion in that +direction! I had never even kissed anyone in Bruges until I kissed you +that first night we met at dinner--I was attracted to you from the very +first; the Colonel was due back in a few days, and I suddenly felt mad, +and kissed you. I suppose you put me down as one of the usual kind, out +to sell myself at a price varying between a good dinner and the rent of +a flat! You will now know that I had already mortgaged my body to +Poland. +</p> + +<p> +Then a few days later you will remember we went down for that wonderful +day in the forest, and for the first time, Karl, I began to see that I +was really caring for you, and a faint realization of the dangers and +impossibilities towards which we were drifting crossed my mind. +</p> + +<p> +Do you remember how silent I was on the drive back? In a fashion, my +Karl, I could foresee dimly a little of what was going to happen. I had +a presentiment that the end would be disaster, but I thrust the idea +away from me. Then came the day, just before one of your trips--oh! the +agony, my darling, of those days, each an age in length, when you were +at sea--when you told me at the flat that you loved me. +</p> + +<p> +How I longed to throw my arms round your neck and abandon myself to +your embraces, but I was still strong enough in those days to hold back +for both our sakes. +</p> + +<p> +Each time we were together I loved you more and more, and each time +when you had gone I seemed to see with clearer vision the fatal and +inevitable ending. +</p> + +<p> +But I refused to give up the first real happiness that had been mine in +my short and stormy life, and so I clung desperately to my idle dream. +</p> + +<p> +I prayed, I prayed for hours, Karl, that the war might end, for I felt +that in this lay our only hope--but what are one woman's prayers, a +sinful woman's prayers, to the Creator of all things, and the war +ground on in its endless agony just as it does to-night--Karl! Karl! +will this torture ever end? +</p> + +<p> +But I must hurry, there is still much to tell you, and Time goes on +relentlessly just like the war; it is only life that ends. Then came +the days I took you to the shooting-box for the first time, and that +night I broke down and, unashamed, offered you myself. Think not too +badly of your Zoe, my Karl; when a woman loves as I do, what is +convention? A nothing, a straw on the waters of life. I wanted you for +my own, passionately and desperately, for I feared that any moment the +end might come, and to die without having felt your arms around me +would have added a thousand tortures to death. Though I could have +welcomed death with joy when I saw the look of sorrowful contempt which +you cast upon me that night. Heavens above! but you were strong, my +Karl. I am not ugly, and yet you resisted, and I hated and loved you at +the same time--oh! I know that sounds impossible, but it isn't for a +woman. I slept little that night and, feeling that I could not look you +in the face in the morning, I left for Bruges before you got up. +</p> + +<p> +I felt that I could trust you not to try and find out the secret of the +shooting-box. +</p> + +<p> +What a relief it is to be able to tell you everything frankly, and how +I hated the perpetual game of deception which I had to play. +</p> + +<p> +I used to rack my brains for answers to your perpetual question, "Why +won't you marry me?" It was a desperate risk taking you down to the +forest, but you loved me so much that you never questioned the reasons +I gave you for my secrecy. I can tell you now, Karl, that in the early +days when I used to disappear from Bruges, it was to the shooting-box +that I went. +</p> + +<p> +But I will write more of that later. +</p> + +<p> +Did you suffer the same agony as I did before you left for Kiel, and +your pride would not allow you to come to me? You understand now, my +darling, why I could never marry you, and when the Colonel was killed +it became harder than ever. Once during that terrible interview before +you went up the Russian coast, I nearly gave way and promised to marry +you. But how could I? I had sworn my vow, and even to-night, though I +stand in the shadow of death, I do not regret my vow. +</p> + +<p> +It is inconceivable that I could have married you and carried on my +work--a spy on my husband's country--and if I ever thought of trying to +do this impossible thing, a vision which has partially come true always +restrained me. +</p> + +<p> +I saw a submarine officer disgraced and perhaps sentenced to death, +because his wife had been convicted as a spy! +</p> + +<p> +No! it was impossible. +</p> + +<p> +But if I could not marry you, I still wanted your love. +</p> + +<p> +Then you went up the Russian coast, and I heard of your return in a +submarine terribly wrecked. I guessed what you must have gone through, +and determined to see you, but when I entered your room and saw you +lying open-eyed on your bed, with no one but a clumsy soldier to nurse +you, I could have wept. You know the rest; you can perhaps hardly +remember how I led you to my car and took you down to the forest. Oh, +Karl, are you angry with me for what happened? Do you sometimes think +that I took an unfair advantage of your weakness? Please! Please +forgive me, you were so helpless, and I loved you so. +</p> + +<p> +Then came those unforgettable weeks whilst your boat was being +repaired, weeks which opened to me the door of the paradise I was never +to enter. Oh! Karl, I pray that all those memories may remain sweet and +unclouded all your life. Think of those days when you think of your +Zoe. Alas! they came to an end too soon, and you left for the Atlantic. +When you came back all was over; I had been caught at last. +</p> + +<p> +The evidence at the trial was clear enough. I have no complaints. I was +fairly caught. You remember the big open space in front of the +shooting-box? I do not mind saying now that five times have I been +taken up from there in an English aeroplane, and landed there again +after two days. Each time I took over a full report on military +affairs. Not a word of naval news, my Karl; you will remember I never +tried to find out U-boat information. I even warned you to be cautious. +Well, they caught me as I landed; the English boy who had flown me back +tried hard to save me, but it only cost him his own life. +</p> + +<p> +My first thought was of you, and there is not a jot of evidence against +you, save only your friendship for me. Remember this fact, if they +persecute you. Admit nothing, believe nothing they tell you, deny +everything; they have no evidence; but they are certain to try and trap +you. +</p> + +<p> +It was noble of you, Karl, to engage Monsieur Labordin in my defence, +but it was useless and may do you harm. +</p> + +<p> +I also know of your efforts with the Governor. I hoped nothing from +him, but what you did has made me ready to die; I tremble lest you are +compromised. +</p> + +<p> +If only I could feel absolutely certain that I have not dragged you +down in my ruin I should face the rifles with a smile. +</p> + +<p> +For my sake be careful, Karl. +</p> + +<p> +When it is all over, cause a few little flowers to cover my +resting-place, if this is permitted for a spy. Order them, do not place +them yourself; you <i>must not</i> be compromised. +</p> + +<p> +I have told my story, and the end is very near. What else is there to +say? +</p> + +<p> +Mere words are empty husks when I try to express my thoughts of you. +</p> + +<p> +Do not sorrow for your Zoe, to whom you have given such happiness. +</p> + +<p> +I am not afraid to die and cross into the unknown, which, however +terrible it is, cannot be much worse than this awful war. +</p> + +<p> +Karl! Karl! how I long to kiss you and feel your strong arms crushing +the breath from this body of mine which has caused so much sorrow. +</p> + +<p> +Oh, Mother Mary, support me in this hour of trial. +</p> + +<p> +I cannot leave you! +</p> + +<p> +May the Saints guard you and keep you through all the perils of war, +and grant that we meet again in the perfect peace of eternity. +</p> + +<p> +For ever, Your devoted and adoring ZOE. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +<i>Karl's Diary resumed.</i> +</p> + +<p> +She is dead! +</p> + +<p> +They have killed her, my Zoe, my adorable darling, and I am still +alive--under close arrest. Perhaps they will shoot me too, in their +insatiable thirst for blood. Oh! if they would! Perhaps, my Zoe, if I +could only die and leave this useless world behind, I might find you in +the mysterious regions where your spirit now dwells. +</p> + +<p> +Oh! is it well with you, Zoe? Give me a sign--a little sign--that all +is well. I have knelt in prayer and asked for a sign, but nothing +comes--all is a blank, forbidding and mysterious. Is God angry with us, +my Zoe, that we sinned before Him? Surely, surely He understands. He +must have mercy on me if He is going to make me go on living. If this +is my punishment, I can bear it; I will live without you happily if +only I may know that all is well with you. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Your letter, Zoe! Can you read these words as I write; can you sense my +thoughts? Speak! Ah! I thought I heard your voice, and it was only the +laughter of a woman in the street. Your letter has filled me with joy +and sorrow. I read and re-read the wonderful words in which you say you +loved me from the beginning, but when you plead that I shall not turn +in loathing from your memory--with these words you smash me to the +ground. + +Most glorious woman, I never loved you so well and so passionately as +the day you stood at the trial, ringed round with the wolves, the +clever lawyers, the stolid witnesses, the ponderous books, the cynical +air of religious solemnity with which the machinery of the law thinly +cloaks its lust for blood--for a life. +</p> + +<p> +Even when my ears heard the sentence, I could not believe it would be +carried out. The firing party, the chair, the bandage. Oh, God! spare +me these awful thoughts. To think of your breasts lacerated by +the----Oh! this is unendurable! Stop, madman that I am! +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +I am calmer now; I have read your letter again and rescued the journal +from the grate into which I flung it. +</p> + +<p> +The fire was out; I am not sorry; my journal is all I have left, and in +its pages are enshrined small, feeble word-pictures of paradise on +earth. To read them is to catch an echo of the music we both loved so +well. Music! you were all music to me, my Zoe. Your voice, your +movements, your caresses all seemed to me to speak of music. +</p> + +<p> +I ask myself, I shall always ask myself until the last hour, whether +all that could be done to save you was done. I tried to telegraph to +the Kaiser for you, Zoe, but the wire never got further than Bruges +post office; they stopped it, and put me under arrest. It was only open +arrest, my darling, and on that last awful night I forced them to let +me see the Governor. I, Karl Von Schenk, knelt at his feet and begged +for your life. He simply said, "You are mad." I left the Palace under +close arrest. +</p> + +<p> +Was ever woman's nobleness of character so exemplified as in your life? +Be comforted, Zoe, that in all my black sorrow I cling desperately to +my pride in your strength. I long to shout abroad what you did and why +you would never marry me, to tell all the gaping world that when you +died a martyr to duty was killed. I am so unworthy of what you did for +me, my darling, and it tortures me with mental rendings to think that +whilst I prided myself in my strength of mind, I was dragging you +through the fires of hell. When I think of those six weeks we had +together, my brain says, "And they might have been months had you not +spurned her in the forest." +</p> + +<p> +Oh, Zoe! if the priests say truth and all things are now revealed to +you, forgive me for this act of mine. Come to me in spirit and give me +mental peace. +</p> + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/285.jpg"><img src="images/285th.jpg" alt="...when there was a blinding flash and the air seemed filled with moaning fragments"></a> +</p> + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/286.jpg"><img src="images/286th.jpg" alt="When I put up my periscope at 9 a.m. the horizon seemed to be ringed with patrols"></a> +</p> + +<p> +As I write like this, as if it was a letter that you might read, I am +comforted a little; I rely utterly on the hope, which I struggle to +change into belief, that you can read this and know my thoughts. +</p> + +<p> +For when I think that had things been otherwise you might have been +leaning over my chair at this moment, and running your cool fingers +through my stiff hair; when I think of this, my darling, the full +realization comes to me of the gulf which must divide us for some +uncertain period, and the lines of this page run mistily before my +eyes. +</p> + +<p> +Zoe, my Zoe, strange things have happened in this war; wives declare +they have seen their husbands, mothers have felt the presence of their +sons; if the powers permit, come to me once again, I implore you, and +give me strength to live my life alone. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Examined before the Court of Inquiry to-day. Fools! can't they realize +that I don't care if they do shoot me? +</p> + +<p> +In the Mess, people avoid me. What do I care? Not one of them is worthy +to stand on the same soil that holds her beloved body. They have buried +her in the Castle grounds. In accordance with her wishes, I have +arranged for flowers. Perhaps one day when all this is over I may be +able to live here and tend the place where she sleeps, free at last +from all her cares. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +At the Court of Inquiry they tried to cross-examine me on our life +together. Dolts! what do they aim at proving? That I loved you? I +hardly listened. When they finished the evidence, the President asked +me if I had anything to say! Anything to say! I felt like telling them +they were cogs in the most monstrous machine for manufacturing sorrow +and destruction that mankind had ever devised. I could have shaken my +fist in their solemn faces and shouted "Beasts! you murdered her! You +destroyed that most wonderful woman who lowered herself to love me." +</p> + +<p> +Actually there was a long silence, and then the Vice-President, Captain +Fruhlingsohn, said, "Speak; we wish you well." +</p> + +<p> +It was the first touch of sympathy, the only sign of humanity I had +received in all these awful days, and it touched my stubborn heart and +the longed-for tears flowed at last. +</p> + +<p> +I murmured: "Gentlemen, I am no traitor; but I loved her as my own +soul." +</p> + +<p> +"Dissolve the Court. Remove the prisoner." Like the clash of iron +gates, officialdom came into its own again. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +So I am not to be shot! Not even imprisoned! "Don't fall in love with +enemy agents again!"--that summarized their verdict. +</p> + +<p> +Ha! Ha! Ha! It is all horribly funny. The real reason is that they need +me. I am a trained and skilful slaughterer on the seas; I am an +essential part of the great machine. And they haven't got any spares! I +was in the Mess yesterday when the English papers we get from Amsterdam +arrived. Oh! a pretty surprise awaited the first man who opened <i>The +Times</i>. These English had published the names of 150 U-boat commanders +they had caught. There they all were. Christian names and all complete. +The only thing missing was a blank space in which to fill in our names +when the time comes. +</p> + +<p> +Dinner was a silent meal last night, and next morning some rat of a +Belgian had posted the list on the gatepost of the Mess. The machine +has offered five hundred marks for his apprehension--how foolish; as if +by shooting him they would take any names off the long list. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +I am to sail at dawn tomorrow. I shall not be sorry to get away for a +space from this place with its mingled memories of delight and death. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Back again, and I haven't written a word for three weeks. +</p> + +<p> +My billet last trip was off Finisterre. I sighted two convoys, but +there were destroyers there; they are so black and swift I don't go +near them. +</p> + +<p> +I don't want to die in a U-boat. It's not worth while. It is easy to +avoid these convoys. I dive and make a great fuss of attacking, then I +steer divergently. Nobody knows where the enemy is except me; I am the +only one who looks through the periscope--I take good care of that. And +then how I curse and swear when I announce that the convoy has altered +course, and there is no chance of getting in to attack. None of them +are so disappointed as I am! +</p> + +<p> +The mines get on my nerves, there is no way of dodging them, and Lord! +how they sprout on the Flanders coast. +</p> + +<p> +I am to go out in six days. It is very little rest. I believe they want +to kill me. But I won't die! Not I. +</p> + +<p> +I went to her grave yesterday for the first time. I had thought I +should weep, but I did not; in fact it left me quite unmoved. I feel +she's not really dead; she comes to me sometimes, always at night when +I am alone and when we are at sea. There's nothing very tangible, but I +catch an echo of her voice in the surge of the sea along the casing, or +the sound of the breeze as it plays along the aerial. And so I will not +die until she calls me, for up to the present her messages have told me +to live and endure. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +A very awkward incident took place last night. We were off the Naze and +saw a steamer some distance away. +</p> + +<p> +We dived to attack. When we were about a mile away I had a look at her, +and something about her put me off. I half thought she was a decoy +ship, and I privately determined I would not attack. I steered a course +which brought me well on her quarter, and as soon as I saw that it was +impossible to get into position to fire I increased speed on the +engines and shook the whole boat in efforts which were ostensibly +directed to getting her into position. At length I eased speed and +bitterly exclaimed that my luck was out. +</p> + +<p> +The First Lieutenant suggested that we should give her gunfire, but I +pointed out that I had good reason to suspect her of being a wolf in +sheep's clothing, and as he had not seen her he could hardly question +my judgment. I was going forward, when I accidentally overheard the +Navigator and the Engineer talking in the wardroom. I listened. +</p> + +<p> +The Engineer said: "The Captain doesn't seem to have the luck he used +to command." +</p> + +<p> +"Or else he has lost skill!" replied Ebert. "We never fired a torpedo +at all last trip, and it looks as if we are following that precedent +this time." +</p> + +<p> +I had heard enough, and, without their realizing my presence, I +returned to the control room. I considered the situation, and came to +the conclusion that they suspected nothing, but it was evident that +their minds were running on lines of thought which might be dangerous. +I looked at my watch and saw that there was still two hours of daylight +left, and then decided to play a trick on them all. I relieved the +First Lieutenant at the periscope, and when a decent interval of about +half an hour had elapsed I saw a ship. This vessel of my imagination, a +veritable Flying Dutchman in fact, I proceeded to attack, and, after +about twenty minutes of frequent alterations of speed and course, I +electrified the boat by bringing the bow tubes to the ready. +</p> + +<p> +The usual delay was most artistically arranged, and then I fired. With +secret amusement I watched the two expensive weapons of war rushing +along, but destined to sink ingloriously in the ocean, instead of +burying themselves in the vitals of a ship. An oath from myself and an +order to take the boat to twenty metres. +</p> + +<p> +With gloomy countenance I curtly remarked: "The port torpedo broke +surface and then dived underneath her, the starboard one missed +astern." +</p> + +<p> +So far all had gone well, but ten minutes later I nearly made a fatal +error. We had been diving for several hours, the atmosphere was bad, +and as it was dusk I decided to come up, ventilate, and put a charge on +the batteries. I gave the necessary orders, and was on my way up the +conning tower to open the outer hatch. The coxswain had just announced +that the boat was on the surface, when a terrible thought paralysed me, +and I clung helplessly to the ladder trying to think out the situation. +</p> + +<p> +It had just occurred to me that as soon as the officers and crew came +on deck they would naturally look for the steamer we had recently fired +at; this ship in the time interval which had elapsed would still be in +sight. +</p> + +<p> +As I came down, the First Lieutenant was at the periscope, looking +round the horizon. Quickly I thrust the youth from the eyepiece, and, +as calmly as I could, said: "I thought I heard propellers." +</p> + +<p> +Half an hour later we surfaced for the night. I have been wondering +ever since whether they suspect, for the three of them were talking in +the wardroom after dinner and stopped suddenly when I came in. +</p> + +<p> +I must be careful in future. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +I was sent for this morning by the Commodore's office, and handed my +appointment as Senior Lieutenant at the barracks Wilhelmshafen. +</p> + +<p> +No explanation, though I suspected something of the sort was coming, as +three days after we got in from my last trip I was examined by the +medical board attached to the flotilla. +</p> + +<p> +So I am to leave the U-boat service, and leave it under a cloud! It is +a sad come-down from Captain of a U-boat to Lieutenant in barracks, a +job reserved for the medically unfit for sea service. +</p> + +<p> +Am I sorry? No, I think I am glad. Life here at Bruges is one long +painful episode. No one speaks to me in the Mess. I am left severely +alone with my memories. The night before last I found a revolver in my +room, and attached to it was a piece of paper bearing the words: "From +a friend." +</p> + +<p> +Perhaps at Wilhelmshafen it will be different, and yet, when I went +down to the boat at noon and collected my personal affairs and stepped +over her side for the last time, I could not check a feeling of great +sadness. We had endured much together, my boat and I, and the parting +was hard. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> + <i>At Barracks</i>. +</p> + +<p> +As I suspected when I was appointed here, my job is deadly to a degree, +and my main duty is to sign leave passes. +</p> + +<p> +Our great effort in France has failed, and now the Allies react +furiously. The great war machine is strained to its utmost capacity; +can it endure the load? +</p> + +<p> +Our proper move is to paralyse the Allied offensive by striking with +all our naval weight at his cross-channel communications. The U-boat +war is too slow, and time is not on our side, whilst a hammer blow down +the Channel might do great things. But we have no naval imagination, +and who am I, that I should advance an opinion? +</p> + +<p> +A discredited Lieutenant in barracks--that's all. +</p> + +<p> +Worse and worse--there are rumours of troubles in the Fleet taking +place under certain conditions. +</p> + +<p> +It is the beginning of the end! +</p> + +<p> +Last night the High Seas Fleet were ordered to weigh at 8 a.m. this +morning. +</p> + +<p> +A mutiny broke out in the <i>König</i> and quickly spread. +</p> + +<p> +By 9 a.m. half a dozen ships were flying the red flag, and to-day +Wilhelmshafen is being administered by the Council of Soldiers and +Sailors. +</p> + +<p> +There has been little disorder; the men have been unanimous in +declaring that they would not go to sea for a last useless massacre, a +last oblation on the bloodstained altars of war. +</p> + +<p> +Can they be blamed? Of what use would such sacrifice be? +</p> + +<p> +Yet to an officer it is all very sad and disheartening. +</p> + +<p> +I have seen enough to sicken me of the whole German system of making +war, and yet if the call came I know I would gladly go forth and die +when <i>tout est perdu fors l'honneur</i>. +</p> + +<p> +Such instincts are bred deep into the men of families such as mine. +</p> + +<p> +We approach the culmination of events. To-day Germany has called for an +armistice. It has been inevitable since our Allies began falling away +from us like rotten print. +</p> + +<p> +The terms will doubtless be hard. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +Heavens above! but the terms are crushing! +</p> + +<p> +All the U-boats to be surrendered, the High Seas Fleet interned; why +not say "surrendered" straight out, it will come to that, unless we +blow them up in German ports. +</p> + +<p> +The end of Kaiserdom has come; we are virtually a republic; it is all +like a dream. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +We have signed, and the last shot of the world-war has been fired. +</p> + +<p> +Here everything is confusion; the saner elements are trying to keep +order, the roughs are going round the dockyard and ships, looting +freely. +</p> + +<p> +"Better we should steal them than the English," and "There is no +Government, so all is free," are two of their cries. +</p> + +<p> +There has been a little shooting in the streets, and it is not safe for +officers to move about in uniform, though, on the whole, I have +experienced little difficulty. +</p> + +<p> +I was summoned to-day before the Local Council, which is run by a man +who was a Petty Officer of signals in the <i>König</i>. He recognized me and +looked away. +</p> + +<p> +I was instructed to take U.122 over to Harwich for surrender to the +English. +</p> + +<p> +I made no difficulty; some one has got to do it, and I verily believe I +am indifferent to all emotions. +</p> + +<p> +We sail in convoy on the day after tomorrow; that is to say, if the +crew condescend to fuel the boat in time. Three looters were executed +to-day in the dockyard and this has had a steadying effect on the worst +elements. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +I went on board 122 to-day, and on showing my authority which was +signed by the Council (which has now become the Council of Soldiers, +Sailors and Workmen), the crew of the boat held a meeting at which I +was not invited to be present. +</p> + +<p> +At its conclusion the coxswain came up to me and informed me that a +resolution had been carried by seventeen votes to ten, to the effect +that I was to be obeyed as Captain of the boat. +</p> + +<p> +I begged him to convey to the crew my gratification, and expressed the +hope that I should give satisfaction. +</p> + +<p> +I am afraid the sarcasm was quite lost on them. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +We are within sixty miles of Harwich and I expect to sight the English +cruisers any moment. +</p> + +<p> +I wrote some days ago that I was incapable of any emotion. +</p> + +<p> +I was wrong, as I have been so often during the last two years. +</p> + +<p> +In fact, I have come to the conclusion that I am no psychologist--I +don't believe we Germans are any good at psychology, and that's the +root reason why we've failed. +</p> + +<p> +I do feel emotion--it's terrible; the shame--the humiliation is +unbearable. +</p> + +<p> +I wonder how the English will behave? What a day of triumph for them. +</p> + +<p> +The signalman has just come down and reported British cruisers right +ahead; it will soon be over. I must go up on deck and exercise my +functions as elected Captain of U.122, and representative of Germany in +defeat. One last effort is demanded, and then---- +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p> +<i>NOTE</i> +</p> + +<p> +<i>This is the last sentence in the diary. It is probable that he suddenly +had to hurry on deck and in the subsequent confusion forgot to rescue +his diary from the locker in which he had thrust it</i>. +</p> + +<p> +ETIENNE. +</p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<h3>THE END</h3> + + +<BR> +<BR> +<BR> +<BR> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Diary of a U-Boat Commander, by Anonymous + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DIARY OF A U-BOAT COMMANDER *** + +***** This file should be named 7947-h.htm or 7947-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/7/9/4/7947/ + +Produced by Eric Eldred, Marvin A. 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restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Diary of a U-Boat Commander + +Author: Anonymous + +Posting Date: January 28, 2011 [EBook #7947] +Release Date: April, 2005 +First Posted: June 4, 2003 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DIARY OF A U-BOAT COMMANDER *** + + + + +Produced by Eric Eldred, Marvin A. Hodges, Charles Franks, +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + + + + + +THE DIARY OF A U-BOAT COMMANDER + +WITH AN INTRODUCTION AND EXPLANATORY NOTES BY ETIENNE + +AND + +_18 Illustrations on Art Paper by Frank H. Mason._ + + + + + + + +[Illustration: "We rammed a destroyer, passing through her like a knife +through cheese."] + + * * * * * + +BOOKS BY ETIENNE + +STRANGE TALES FROM THE FLEET + +A NAVAL LIEUTENANT + +1914--1918. + +"In collaboration with Navallus. + +Five Songs from the Grand Fleet." + +[Illustration: "...they are so black and swift I don't go near them."] + + * * * * * + +LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS + +"We rammed a destroyer, passing through her like a knife through +cheese" + +"...they are so black and swift I don't go near them" + +"Steering north-westerly ... to lay a small minefield off Newcastle" + +"He had suddenly seen the bow waves of a destroyer approaching at full +speed to ram" + +"We were put down by a trawler at dawn" + +"The torpedo had jumped clean out of the water a hundred yards short of +the steamer and had then dived under her" + +"A moment later there was a severe jar; we had struck the bottom" + +"As the dim lights on the mole disappeared, the ceaseless fountain of +star-shells, mingling with the flashing of guns, rose inland on our +port beam" + +"We hit her aft for the second time...." + +"The track met our ram" + +"In the flash I caught a glimpse of his conning tower" + +"The 1,000 kilogrammes of metal crashed down" + +"Good-bye! Steer west for America!" + +"It is a snug anchorage, and here I intend to remain" + +"A trapdoor near her bows fell down, the White Ensign was broken at the +fore, and a 4-inch gun opened fire from the embrasure that was revealed +on her side" + +"I sighted two convoys, but there were destroyers there...." + +"... when there was a blinding flash and the air seemed filled with +moaning fragments" + +"When I put up my periscope at 9 a.m. the horizon seemed to be ringed +with patrols" + + * * * * * + +INTRODUCTION + + +"I would ask you a favour," said the German captain, as we sat in the +cabin of a U-boat which had just been added to the long line of +bedraggled captives which stretched themselves for a mile or more in +Harwich Harbour, in November, 1918. + +I made no reply; I had just granted him a favour by allowing him to +leave the upper deck of the submarine, in order that he might await the +motor launch in some sort of privacy; why should he ask for more? + +Undeterred by my silence, he continued: "I have a great friend, +Lieutenant-zu-See Von Schenk, who brought U.122 over last week; he has +lost a diary, quite private, he left it in error; can he have it?" + +I deliberated, felt a certain pity, then remembered the _Belgian +Prince_ and other things, and so, looking the German in the face, I +said: + +"I can do nothing." + +"Please." + +I shook my head, then, to my astonishment, the German placed his head +in his hands and wept, his massive frame (for he was a very big man) +shook in irregular spasms; it was a most extraordinary spectacle. + +It seemed to me absurd that a man who had suffered, without visible +emotion, the monstrous humiliation of handing over his command intact, +should break down over a trivial incident concerning a diary, and not +even his own diary, and yet there was this man crying openly before me. + +It rather impressed me, and I felt a curious shyness at being present, +as if I had stumbled accidentally into some private recess of his mind. +I closed the cabin door, for I heard the voices of my crew approaching. + +He wept for some time, perhaps ten minutes, and I wished very much to +know of what he was thinking, but I couldn't imagine how it would be +possible to find out. + +I think that my behaviour in connection with his friend's diary added +the last necessary drop of water to the floods of emotion which he had +striven, and striven successfully, to hold in check during the agony of +handing over the boat, and now the dam had crumbled and broken away. + +It struck me that, down in the brilliantly-lit, stuffy little cabin, +the result of the war was epitomized. On the table were some +instruments I had forbidden him to remove, but which my first +lieutenant had discovered in the engineer officer's bag. + +On the settee lay a cheap, imitation leather suit-case, containing his +spare clothes and a few books. At the table sat Germany in defeat, +weeping, but not the tears of repentance, rather the tears of bitter +regret for humiliations undergone and ambitions unrealized. + +We did not speak again, for I heard the launch come alongside, and, as +she bumped against the U-boat, the noise echoed through the hull into +the cabin, and aroused him from his sorrows. He wiped his eyes, and, +with an attempt at his former hardiness, he followed me on deck and +boarded the motor launch. + +Next day I visited U.122, and these papers are presented to the public, +with such additional remarks as seemed desirable; for some curious +reason the author seems to have omitted nearly all dates. This may have +been due to the fear that the book, if captured, would be of great +value to the British Intelligence Department if the entries were dated. +The papers are in the form of two volumes in black leather binding, +with a long letter inside the cover of the second volume. + +_Internal evidence has permitted me to add the dates as regards the +years. My thanks are due to K. for assistance in translation_. + +ETIENNE. + + * * * * * + +The Diary of a U-boat Commander + + + + +One volume of my war-journal completed, and I must confess it is dull +reading. + +I could not help smiling as I read my enthusiastic remarks at the +outbreak of war, when we visualized battles by the week. What a +contrast between our expectations and the actual facts. + +Months of monotony, and I haven't even seen an Englishman yet. + +Our battle cruisers have had a little amusement with the coast raids at +Scarborough and elsewhere, but we battle-fleet fellows have seen +nothing, and done nothing. + +So I have decided to volunteer for the U-boat service, and my name went +in last week, though I am told it may be months before I am taken, as +there are about 250 lieutenants already on the waiting list. + +But sooner or later I suppose something will come of it. + +I shall have no cause to complain of inactivity in that Service, if I +get there. + + * * * * * + +I am off to-night for a six-days trip, two days of which are to be +spent in the train, to the Verdun sector. + +It has been a great piece of luck. The trip had been arranged by the +Military and Naval Inter-communication Department; and two officers +from this squadron were to go. + +There were 130 candidates, so we drew lots; as usual I was lucky and +drew one of the two chances. + +It should be intensely interesting. + + * * * * * + +_At_ ---- + + +I arrived here last night after a slow and tiresome journey, which was +somewhat alleviated by an excellent bottle of French wine which I +purchased whilst in the Champagne district. + +Long before we reached the vicinity of Verdun it was obvious to the +most casual observer that we were heading for a centre of unusual +activity. + +Hospital trains travelling north-east and east were numerous, and twice +our train, which was one of the ordinary military trains, was shunted +on to a siding to allow troop trains to rumble past. + +As we approached Verdun the noise of artillery, which I had heard +distantly once or twice during the day, as the casual railway train +approached the front, became more intense and grew from a low murmur +into a steady noise of a kind of growling description, punctuated at +irregular intervals by very deep booms as some especially heavy piece +was discharged, or an ammunition dump went up. + +The country here is very different from the mud flats of Flanders, as +it is hilly and well wooded. The Meuse, in the course of centuries, has +cut its way through the rampart of hills which surround Verdun, and we +are attacking the place from three directions. On the north we are +slowly forcing the French back on either river bank--a very costly +proceeding, as each wing must advance an equal amount, or the one that +advances is enfiladed from across the river. + +We are also slowly creeping forward from the east and north-east in the +direction of Douaumont. + +I am attached to a 105-cm. battery, a young Major von Markel in +command, a most charming fellow. I spent all to-day in the advanced +observing position with a young subaltern called Grabel, also a nice +young fellow. I was in position at 6 a.m., and, as apparently is common +here, mist hides everything from view until the sun attains a certain +strength. Our battery was supporting the attack on the north side of +the river, though the battery itself was on the south side, and firing +over a hill called L'Homme Mort. + +Von Markel told me that the fighting here has not been previously +equalled in the war, such is the intensity of the combat and the price +each side is paying. + +I could see for myself that this was so, and the whole atmosphere of +the place is pregnant with the supreme importance of this struggle, +which may well be the dying convulsions of decadent France. + +His Imperial Majesty himself has arrived on the scene to witness the +final triumph of our arms, and all agree that the end is imminent. + +Once we get Verdun, it is the general opinion that this portion of the +French front will break completely, carrying with it the adjacent +sectors, and the French Armies in the Vosges and Argonne will be +committed to a general retreat on converging lines. + +But, favourable as this would be to us, it is generally considered here +that the fall of Verdun will break the moral resistance of the French +nation. + +The feeling is, that infinitely more is involved than the capture of a +French town, or even the destruction of a French Army; it is a question +of stamina; it is the climax of the world war, the focal point of the +colossal struggle between the Latin and the Teuton, and on the +battlefields of Verdun the gods will decide the destinies of nations. + +When I got to the forward observing position, which was situated among +the ruins of a house, a most amazing noise made conversation difficult. + +The orchestra was in full blast and something approaching 12,000 pieces +of all sizes were in action on our side alone, this being the greatest +artillery concentration yet effected during the war. + +We were situated on one side of a valley which ran up at right angles +to the river, whose actual course was hidden by mist, which also +obscured the bottom of our valley. The front line was down in this +little valley, and as I arrived we lifted our barrage on to the far +hill-side to cover an attack which we were delivering at dawn. + +Nothing could be seen of the conflict down below, but after half an +hour we received orders to bring back our barrage again, and Grabel +informed me that the attack had evidently failed. This afternoon I +heard that it was indeed so, and that one division (the 58th), which +had tried to work along the river bank and outflank the hill, had been +caught by a concentration of six batteries of French 75's, which were +situated across the river. The unfortunate 58th, forced back from the +river-side, had heroically fought their way up the side of the hill, +only to encounter our barrage, which, owing to the mist, we thought was +well above and ahead of where they would be. + +Under this fresh blow the 58th had retired to their trenches at the +bottom of the small valley. As the day warmed up the mist disappeared, +and, like a theatre curtain, the lifting of this veil revealed the +whole scene in its terrible and yet mechanical splendour. + +I say mechanical, for it all seemed unreal to me. I knew I should not +see cavalry charges, guns in the open, and all the old-world panoply of +war, but I was not prepared for this barren and shell-torn circle of +hills, continually being freshly, and, to an uninformed observer, +aimlessly lashed by shell fire. + +Not a man in sight, though below us the ground was thickly strewn with +corpses. Overhead a few aeroplanes circled round amidst balls of white +shell bursts. + +During the day the slow-circling aeroplanes (which were artillery +observing machines) were galvanized into frightful activity by the +sudden appearance of a fighting machine on one side or the other; this +happened several times; it reminded me of a pike amongst young trout. + +After lunch I saw a Spad shot down in flames, it was like Lucifer +falling down from high heavens. The whole scene was enframed by a +sluggish line of observation balloons. + +Sometimes groups of these would hastily sink to earth, to rise again +when the menace of the aeroplane had passed. These balloons seemed more +like phlegmatic spectators at some athletic contest than actual +participants in the events. + +I wish my pen could convey to paper the varied impressions created +within my mind in the course of the past day; but it cannot. I have the +consolation that, though I think that I have considerable ability as a +writer, yet abler pens than mine have abandoned in despair the task of +describing a modern battle. + +I can but reiterate that the dominant impression that remains is of the +mechanical nature of this business of modern war, and yet such an +impression is a false one, for as in the past so to-day, and so in the +future, it is the human element which is, has been, and will be the +foundation of all things. + +Once only in the course of the day did I see men in any numbers, and +that was when at 3 p.m. the French were detected massing for a +counter-attack on the south side of the river. It was doomed to be +still-born. As they left their trenches, distant pigmy figures in +horizon blue, apparently plodding slowly across the ground, they were +lashed by an intensive barrage and the little figures were obliterated +in a series of spouting shell bursts. + +Five minutes later the barrage ceased, the smoke drifted away and not a +man was to be seen. Grabel told me that it had probably cost them 750 +casualties. What an amazing and efficient destruction of living +organism! + + * * * * * + +Another most interesting day, though of a different nature. + +To-day was spent witnessing the arrangements for dealing with the +wounded. I spent the morning at an advanced dressing station on the +south bank of the river. It was in a cellar, beneath the ruins of a +house, about 400 yards from the front line and under heavy shell-fire, +as close at hand was the remains of what had been a wood, which was +being used as a concentration point for reserves. + +The cover afforded by this so-called wood was extremely slight, and the +troops were concentrating for the innumerable attacks and +counter-attacks which were taking place under shell fire. This caused +the surgeon in charge of the cellar to describe the wood as our main +supply station! + +I entered the cellar at 8 a.m., taking advantage of a partial lull in +the shelling, but a machine-gun bullet viciously flipped into a wooden +beam at the entrance as I ducked to go in. I was not sorry to get +underground. A sloping path brought me into the cellar, on one side of +which sappers were digging away the earth to increase the +accommodation. + +The illumination consisted of candles set in bottles and some electric +hand lamps. The centre of the cellar was occupied by two portable +operating tables, rarely untenanted during the three hours I spent in +this hell. + +The atmosphere--for there was no ventilation--stank of sweat, blood, +and chloroform. + +By a powerful effort I countered my natural tendency to vomit, and +looked around me. The sides of the cellar were lined with figures on +stretchers. Some lay still and silent, others writhed and groaned. At +intervals, one of the attendants would call the doctor's attention to +one of the still forms. A hasty examination ensued, and the stretcher +and its contents were removed. A few minutes later the +stretcher--empty--returned. The surgeon explained to me that there was +no room for corpses in the cellar; business, he genially remarked, was +too brisk at the present crucial stage of the great battle. + +The first feelings of revulsion having been mastered, I determined to +make the most of my opportunities, as I have always felt that the naval +officer is at a great disadvantage in war as compared with his +military brother, in that he but rarely has a chance of accustoming +himself to the unpleasant spectacle of torn flesh and bones. + +This morning there was no lack of material, and many of the intestinal +wounds were peculiarly revolting, so that at lunch-time, when another +convenient lull in the torrent of shell fire enabled me to leave the +cellar, I felt thoroughly hardened; in fact I had assisted in a humble +degree at one or two operations. + +I had lunch at the 11th Army Medical Headquarters Mess, and it was a +sumptuous meal to which I did full justice. + +After lunch, whilst waiting to be motored to a field hospital, I +happened to see a battalion of Silesian troops about to go up to the +front line. + +It was rather curious feeling that one was looking at men, each in +himself a unit of civilization, and yet many of whom were about to die +in the interests thereof. + +Their faces were an interesting study. + +Some looked careless and debonair, and seemed to swing past with a +touch of recklessness in their stride, others were grave and serious, +and seemed almost to plod forward to the dictates of an inevitable +fatalism. + +The field hospital, where we met some very charming nurses, on one of +whom I think I created a distinct impression, was not particularly +interesting. It was clean, well-organized and radiated the efficiency +inseparable from the German Army. + + * * * * * + +Back at Wilhelmshaven--curse it! + +Yesterday morning, when about to start on a tour of the ammunition +supply arrangements, I received an urgent wire recalling me at once! + +There was nothing for it but to obey. + +I was lucky enough to get a passage as far as Mons in an albatross +scout which was taking dispatches to that place. + +From there I managed to bluff a motor car out of the town commandant--a +most obliging fellow. This took me to Aachen where I got an express. + +The reason for my recall was that Witneisser went sick and Arnheim +being away, this has left only two in the operations ciphering +department. + +My arrival has made us three. It is pretty strenuous work and, being of +a clerical nature, suits me little. The only consolation is that many +of the messages are most interesting. I was looking through the back +files the other day and amongst other interesting information I came +across the wireless report from the boat that had sunk the _Lusitania_. + +It has always been a mystery to me why we sank her, as I do not believe +those things pay. + + * * * * * + +Arnheim has come back, so I have got out of the ciphering department, +to my great delight. + +I have received official information that my application for U-boats +has been received. Meanwhile all there is to do is to sit at +this ---- hole and wait. + + + + +_2nd June_, 1916. + + +I have fought in the greatest sea battle of the ages; it has been a +wonderful and terrible experience. + +All the details of the battle will be history, but I feel that I must +place on record my personal experiences. + +We have not escaped without marks, and the good old _Koenig_ brought 67 +dead and 125 wounded into port as the price of the victory off +Skajerack, but of the English there are thousands who slept their last +sleep in the wrecked hulls of the battle cruisers which will rust for +eternal ages upon the Jutland banks. + +Sad as our losses are--and the gallant _Lutzow_ has sunk in sight of +home--I am filled with pride. + +We have met that great armada the British Fleet, we have struck them +with a hammer blow and we have returned. I was asleep in my cabin when +the news came that Hipper was coming south with the British battle +cruisers on his beam. In five minutes we were at our action stations. +We made contact with Hipper at 5.30 p.m., [1] and Beatty turned north +with his cruisers and fast battleships and we pursued. + +[Footnote 1: This is 4.30 G.M.T.--Etienne] + +Two of the great ships had been sunk by our battle cruisers, and we had +hopes of destroying the remainder, when at 6.55 the mist on the +northern horizon was pierced by the formidable line of the British +Battle Fleet. + +Jellicoe had arrived! + +Three battle cruisers became involved between the lines, and in an +instant one was blown up, and another crawled west in a sinking +condition. Sudden and terrible are events in a modern sea-battle. + +Confronted with the concentrated force of Britain's Battle Fleet we +turned to east, and for twenty minutes our High Seas Fleet sustained +the unequal contest. + +It was during this period that we were hit seventeen times by heavy +shell, though, in my position in the after torpedo control tower, I +only realized one hit had taken place, which was when a shell plunged +into the after turret and, blowing the roof off, killed every member of +the turret's crew. + +From my position, when the smoke and dust had blown away, I looked down +into a mass of twisted machinery, amongst which I seemed to detect the +charred remains of bodies. + +At about 7.40 we turned, under cover of our smoke screen, and steered +south-west. + +Our position was not satisfactory, as the last information of the enemy +reported them as turning to the southward; consequently they were +between us and Heligoland. + +At 11 p.m. we received a signal for divisions of battle fleets to steer +independently for the Horn Reef swept channel. + +Ten minutes later we underwent the first of five destroyer attacks. + +The British destroyers, searching wide in the night, had located us, +and with desperate gallantry pressed home the attack again and again. +So close did they come that about 1.30 a.m. we rammed one, passing +through her like a knife through a cheese. + +It was a wonderful spectacle to see those sinister craft, rushing madly +to their destruction down the bright beam of our powerful searchlights. +It was an avenue of death for them, but to the credit of their Service +it must stand that throughout the long nightmare they did not hesitate. + +The surrounding darkness seemed to vomit forth flotilla after flotilla +of these cavalry of the sea. + +And they struck us once, a torpedo right forward, which will keep us in +dock for a month, but did no vital injury. + +When morning dawned, misty and soft, as is its way in June in the +Bight, we were to the eastward of the British, and so we came +honourably home to Wilhelmshaven, feeling that the young Navy had laid +worthy foundations for its tradition to grow upon. + +We are to report at Kiel, and shall be six weeks upon the job. + + + + +_Frankfurt_. + + +Back on seventeen days' leave, and everyone here very anxious to hear +details of the battle of Skajerack. + +It is very pleasant to have something to talk to the women about. +Usually the gallant field greys hold the drawing-room floor, with their +startling tales from the Western Front, of how they nearly took Verdun, +and would have if the British hadn't insisted on being slaughtered on +the Somme. + +It is quite impossible in many ways to tell that there is a war on as +far as social life in this place is concerned. + +There is a shortage of good coffee and that is about all. + + * * * * * + +Arrived back on board last night. + +They have made a fine job of us, and we go through the canal to the +Schillig Roads early next week. + +We are to do three weeks' gunnery practices from there, to train the +new drafts. + + + +1916 (_about August_). + +At last! Thank Heavens, my application has been granted. Schmitt (the +Secretary) told me this morning that a letter has come from the +Admiralty to say that I am to present myself for medical examination at +the board at Wilhelmshaven to-morrow. + +What joy! to strike a blow at last, finished for ever the cursed +monotony of inactivity of this High Seas Fleet life. But the U-boat +war! Ah! that goes well. We shall bring those stubborn, blood-sucking +islanders to their knees by striking at them through their bellies. + +When I think of London and no food, and Glasgow and no food, then who +can say what will happen? Revolt! rebellion in England, and our brave +field greys on the west will smash them to atoms in the spring of 1917, +and I, Karl Schenk, will have helped directly in this! Great +thought--but calm! I am not there yet, there is still this confounded +medical board. I almost wish I had not drunk so much last night, not +that it makes any difference, but still one must run no risks, for I +hear that the medical is terribly strict for the U-boat service. Only +the cream is skimmed! Well, to-morrow we shall see. + + * * * * * + +Passed! and with flying colours; it seemed absurdly easy and only took +ten minutes, but then my physique is magnificent, thanks to the +physical training I have always done. I am now due to get three weeks' +leave, and then to Zeebrugge. + +I have wired to the little mother at Frankfurt. + + * * * * * + +_At Zeebrugge, or rather Bruges._ + + +I spent three weeks at home, all the family are pleased except mother; +she has a woman's dread of danger; it is a pleasing characteristic in +peace time, but a cloy on pleasure in days of war. To her, with the +narrowness of a female's intellect, I really believe I am of more +importance than the Fatherland--how absurd. Whilst at Frankfurt I saw a +good deal of Rosa; she seems better looking each time I meet her; +doubtless she is still developing to full womanhood. Moritz was home +from Flanders. He had ten days' leave from Ypres, and, though I have a +dislike for him, he certainly was interesting, though why the English +cling to those wretched ruins is more than I can understand. + +I felt instinctively that in a sense Moritz and I were rivals where +Rosa was concerned, though I have never considered her in that +light--as yet. One day, perhaps? These women are much the same +everywhere, and I could see that having entered the U-boat service made +a difference with Rosa, though her logic should have told her that I +was no different. But is that right? After all, it is something to have +joined this service; the Guards themselves have no better cachet, and +it is certainly cheaper. + +Here we live in billets and in a commandeered hotel. The life ashore is +pleasant enough; the damned Belgians are sometimes sulky, but they know +who is master. Bissing (a splendid chap) sees to that. + +As a matter of fact we have benefited them by our occupation, the shops +do a roaring trade at preposterous prices, and shamefully enough the +German shopkeepers are most guilty. These pot-bellied merchants don't +seem to realize that they exist owing to our exertions. + +I was much struck with the beautiful orderliness of the small gardens +which we have laid out since 1914, and, in fact, wherever one looks +there is evidence of the genius of the German race for thorough +organization. Yet these Belgians don't seem to appreciate it. I can't +understand it. + +I find here that social life is very much gayer than at that mad town +of Wilhelmshaven. At the High Seas Fleet bases there was the strictness +and austerity that some people seem to consider necessary to show that +we are at war, though Heaven knows there was precious little war in the +High Seas Fleet; perhaps that was why the "blood and iron" regime was +in full order ashore. Here, in Bruges, at any rate as far as the +submarine officers are concerned, the matter is far different. When the +boats are in, one seems to do as one likes, with a perfunctory visit to +the ship in the course of the day. + +Witnitz (the Commodore) favours complete relaxation when in from a +trip. In the evenings there are parties, for which there are always +ladies, and I find it is necessary to have a "smoking."[1] I went to +the best tailor to buy one, and found that I must have one made at the +damnable price of 140 marks; the fitter, an oily Jew, had the +incredible impertinence to assure me it would be cut on London lines! + +[Footnote 1: A dinner jacket.] + +I nearly felled him to the ground; can one never get away from England +and things English? I'll see his account waits a bit before I settle +it. + +There are several fellows I know here. Karl Mueller, who was 3rd +watchkeeper in the _Yorck_, and Adolf Hilfsbaumer, who was captain of +G.176, are the two I know best. They are both doing a few trips as +second in commands of the later U.C. boats, which are mine-laying off +the English coasts. This is a most dangerous operation, and nearly all +the U.C. boats are commanded by reserve officers, of whom there are a +good many in the Mess. + +Excellent fellows, no doubt, but somewhat uncouth and lacking the finer +points of breeding; as far as I can see in the short time I have been +here they keep themselves to themselves a good deal. I certainly don't +wish to mix with them. Unfortunately, it appears that I am almost bound +to be appointed as second in command of one of the U.C. boats, for at +least one trip before I go to the periscope school and train for a +command of my own. The idea of being bottled up in an elongated cigar +and under the command of one of those nautical plough-boys is +repellent. However, the Von Schenks have never been too proud to obey +in order to learn how to command. + + * * * * * + +I have been appointed second in command to U.C.47. Her captain is one +Max Alten by name. Beyond the fact that I saw him drunk one night in +the Mess I know nothing of him. + +I reported to him and he seems rather in awe of me. His fears are +groundless. + +I shall make it as easy as possible for him, for it must be as awkward +for him as it is unpleasant for me. + +To celebrate my proper entry into the U-boat service, I gave a dinner +party last night in a private room at "Le Coq d'Or." I asked Karl and +Adolf, and told them to bring three girls. My opposite number was a +lovely girl called Zoe something or other. I wore my "smoking" for the +first time; it is certainly a becoming costume. + +We drank a good deal of champagne and had a very pleasant little +debauch; the girls got very merry, and I kissed Zoe once. She was not +very angry. I think she is thoroughly charming, and I have accepted an +invitation to take tea at her flat. She is either the wife or the chere +amie of a colonel in the Brandenburgers, I could not make out which. +Luckily the gallant "Cockchafer" is at the moment on the La Bassee +sector, where I was interested to observe that heavy fighting has +broken out to-day. I must console the fair Zoe! + +Both Karl and Adolf got rather drunk, Adolf hopelessly so, but I, as +usual, was hardly affected. I have a head of iron, provided the liquor +is good, and _I_ saw to that point. + + * * * * * + +We were sailing, or rather going down the canal to Zeebrugge on Friday, +but the starting resistance of the port main motor burnt out and we +were delayed till Sunday, as they will fit a new one. + +I must confess the organization for repair work here is admirable, as +very little is done by the crews in the U-boats, all work being carried +out by the permanent staff, who are quartered at Bruges docks. Taking +advantage of the delay I called on Zoe Stein, as I find she is named. + +It appears she is _not_ married to Colonel Stein. She told me he was +fat and ugly, and laughed a good deal about him. She showed me his +photograph, and certainly he is no beauty. However, he must be a man of +means, as he has given her a charming flat, beautifully decorated with +water-colours which the Colonel salved from the French chateau in the +early days--these army fellows had all the chances. + +I bade an affectionate farewell to Zoe, and I trust Stein will be still +busily engaged at La Bassee when I return in a fortnight's time! I am +greatly obliged to Karl for the introduction, and told him so; he +himself is running after a little grass widow whose husband has been +missing for some months. I think Karl finds it an expensive game; +luckily Zoe seems well supplied with money--the essential ingredient in +a joyous life. + +On Friday night we had an air-raid--a frequent event here, but my first +experience in this line. Unpleasant, but a fine spectacle, considerable +damage done near the docks and an unexploded bomb fell in a street near +our headquarters. + +Two machines (British) brought down in flames. I saw the green balls +[1] for the first time. A most fascinating sight to see them floating +up in waving chains into the vault of heaven; they reminded me of +making daisy chains as a child. + +[Footnote 1: Known as "Flying-onions."] + + + + +_At Zeebrugge_. + + +We are alongside the mole in one of the new submarine shelters that has +been built. + +The boat is under a concrete roof over three feet thick, which would +defy the heaviest bomb. + +We have much improved the port since our arrival. The port, so-called, +is purely artificial, and actually consists of a long mole with a +gentle curve in it, which reaches out to seaward and protects the mouth +of the canal. The tides are very strong up and down the coast, and +constant dredging is carried out to keep 20 feet of water over the sill +at the lock gates. + +On arrival last night we went straight into No. 11 shelter, as an +air-raid was expected, but nothing happened, so I went up to the +"Flandre," which seems to be the best hotel here, full of submarine +people, and I heard many interesting stories. There seems no doubt this +U-boat war is dangerous work; I find the U.C. boats are beginning to be +called the Suicide Club, after the famous English story of that name, +which, curiously enough, I saw on the kinematograph at Frankfurt last +leave. We Germans are extraordinarily broad-minded; I doubt if the +works of German authors are seen on the screens in England or France. + +The news from the West is good, the English are hurling themselves to +destruction against our steel front. We are now to load up with mines. +I must stop writing to superintend this work. + + + + +_At sea. Near the South Dogger Light._ + + +We loaded up the ten mines we carry in an hour and five minutes. They +were lifted from a railway truck by a big crane and delicately lowered +into the mine tubes, of which we have five in the bows. + +The tubes extend from the upper deck of the ship to her keel, and slope +aft to facilitate release. Having completed with fuel at Bruges, we +took in a store of provisions and Alten went up to the Commodore's +office to get our sailing orders. + +We sailed at 6 p.m. and at last I felt I was off. To-day, the 22nd, we +are just north of the South Dogger, steering north-westerly at 9-1/2 +knots. + +The sea is quite calm and everything is very pleasant. Our mission is +to lay a small minefield off Newcastle in the East Coast war channel. I +have, of course, never been to sea for any length of time in a U-boat, +and it is all very novel. + +I find the roar of the Diesel engine very relentless, and last night +slept badly in a wretched bunk, which was a poor substitute for my +lovely quarters in the barracks at Wilhelmshaven. One thing I +appreciate, and that is the food; it is really excellent: fresh milk, +fresh butter, white bread and many other luxuries. + +I have spent most of the day picking up things about the boat. Her +general arrangement is as follows: + +Starting in the bows, mine tubes occupy the centre of the boat, leaving +two narrow passages, one each side. In the port passage is the wireless +cabinet and signal flag lockers, with store rooms underneath. In the +starboard passage are one or two small pumps and the kitchen. + +The next compartment contains four bunks, two each side, these are +occupied by Alten, myself, the engineer, and the Navigating Warrant +Officer. Proceeding further aft one enters the control room, in which +one periscope is situated, and the necessary valves and pumps for +diving the boat. + +The next compartment is the crew space; ten of the company exist here. + +Overhead on each side is the gear for releasing the torpedoes from the +external torpedo tubes, of which we carry one each side. I think we +borrowed this idea from the Russians. + +Then comes the engine-room, an inferno of rattling noises, but +excellent engines, I believe. At the after end of the engine-room are +the two main switchboards, of whose manner of working I am at present +in some ignorance. + +The two main sets of electric motors are underneath the boards, in the +stern, where we have a third torpedo tube. + + * * * * * + +I had hardly written the above words when a message came that the +captain would like me to come to the bridge. + +I went up in a leisurely fashion, through the conning tower, which is +over the control room, and reported myself. He indicated a low-lying +patch of smoke on the horizon far away on the starboard bow. I was +obliged to confess that it conveyed nothing to me, when he aroused my +intense interest by stating that it was, without doubt, being emitted +from a British submarine, who are known to frequent these waters. He +was proceeding away from us, and was, even then, six or seven miles +away, so an attack was out of the question. The engineer, who had +joined us, drew my attention to the thin wisp of almost invisible +blue-grey smoke from our own stern. The contrast was certainly +striking! + +Over dinner I gave it as my opinion that the British boats were pretty +useless. Alten would not agree, and stated that, though in certain +technical aspects they were in a position of inferiority, yet in +personnel and skill in attacking they were fully our equals. He seemed +to hold them in considerable respect, and he remarked that, when making +a passage, he was more anxious on their account than in any other way. +He informed me that, on the last passage he made, he was attacked by a +British boat which he never saw, the only indication he received being +a torpedo which jumped out of the water almost over his tail. Luckily +it was very rough at the time, which made the torpedo run erratically, +otherwise they would undoubtedly have been hit. + +What appeared to astonish him was the fact that the British boat had +been able to make an attack in such weather. We are now charging on one +engine, 500 amperes on each half-battery. + + * * * * * + +We are due back at Zeebrugge at 10 p.m. to-night. We should have been +in at dawn to-day, but we received a wireless from the senior officer, +Zeebrugge, to say that mine-laying was suspected, and we were to wait +till the "Q.R." channel, from the Blankenberg buoy, had been swept. We +lay in the bottom for eight hours, a few miles from the western end of +the channel. + +Our trip was quite successful, but not without certain excitements. + +On the night of the 23rd we passed fairly close to a fishing fleet on +the Dogger Bank, and saw the lights of several steamers in the +distance. As our first business was to lay our mines in the appointed +place, we did not worry them. + +We burnt usual navigation lights, or rather side lights which appear to +be usual, except that, by a little fitting which Alten has made +himself, the arcs of bearing on which the lights show can be changed at +will. His idea is that, should we appear to be approaching a steamer +which he wishes to avoid, in many cases, by shining a little more or +less red and green light, we can make her think that we are a steamer +on such a course that it is her duty by the rules of the road to keep +clear of us. + +He tells me it has worked on several occasions, and he has also found +it useful to have two small auxiliary side lights fitted which are the +wrong colours for the sides they are on. It is, of course, only neutral +shipping which carry lights nowadays, though Alten says that many +British ships are still incredibly careless in the matter of lights. + +However, to resume my account of what happened. We reached our position +at dawn or slightly after, the weather was beautifully calm and the sea +like glass. As we were only three miles from the English coast, and +close to the mouth of the Tyne, we were extraordinarily lucky to have +nothing in sight, if one excepts a long smudge of smoke which trailed +across the horizon to the southward. + +The land itself was obscured by early morning banks of mist, yet +everything was so still that we actually faintly heard the whistle of a +train. I could hardly restrain from suggesting to Alten that we should +elevate the 10-cm. gun to fifteen degrees and fire a few rounds on to +"proud Albion's virgin shores," but I did not do so as I felt fairly +certain that he would not approve, and I do not wish to lay myself open +to rebuffs from him after his behaviour concerning the smoking +incident. I boil with rage at the thought, but again I digress. + +The fact that the land was obscured was favourable from the point of +view that we were not worried by coast watchers, but unfavourable from +the standpoint that we were unable to take bearings of anything and so +ascertain our exact position. + +The importance of this point in submarine mine-laying is obvious, for, +owing to our small cargo of eggs, it is quite possible that we may be +sent here again, to lay an adjacent field, in which case it is highly +desirable to know the exact position of one's previous effort. + +[Illustration: "Steering north-westerly...; to lay a small minefield +off Newcastle."] + +[Illustration: "He had suddenly seen the bow waves of a destroyer +approaching at full speed to ram."] + +We were somewhat assisted in our efforts to locate ourselves by the +fact that a seven-fathom patch existed exactly where we had to lay. We +picked up the edge of this bank with our sounding machine, and steering +north half a mile, laid our mines in latitude--No! on second thoughts I +will omit the precise position, for, though I shall take every +precaution, there is no saying that through some misfortune this +Journal might not get into the wrong hands. + +I am very glad I decided to keep these notes, as I shall take much +pleasure in reading them when Victory crowns our efforts and the joys +of a peaceful life return. + +I found it a delightful sensation being so close to the enemy coast, in +his territorial waters, in fact. For the first time since the Skajerack +battle I experienced the personal joys of war, the sensation of +intimate and successful contact with the enemy, and the most hated +enemy at that. + +We had hardly finished laying our eggs when a droning noise was heard. +With marvellous celerity we dived, that damned fellow Alten, who, under +these circumstances leaves the bridge last, treading on my fingers as +he followed me down the conning tower ladder. + +The engineer endeavoured to sympathize with me, and made some idiotic +remark about my being quicker when I had had more practice. I bit his +head off. I can't stand this hail-fellow-well-met attitude in these +U.C. boats, from any lout dressed in an officer's uniform. They +wouldn't be holding commissions if it wasn't for the war, and they +should remember that fact. I suppose they think I'm stand-offish. Well, +if they had my family tree behind them they would understand. + +We dived to sixty feet, and then came up to twenty. Alten looked +through the periscope, and then invited me to look. Curiosity impelled +me to accept this favour and, putting the focussing lever to +"skyscrape" I swept round the sky. + +At last I saw him; he was a small gas-bag of diminutive size, beneath +which was suspended a little car, the most ridiculous little travesty +of an airship I have ever seen. He was nosing along at about 800 feet +and making about 40 knots. + +Suddenly he must have seen the wake of our periscope, for he turned +towards us. Simultaneously Alten, from the conning tower (I was using +the other periscope in the control room), ordered the boat to sixty +feet, and put the helm hard over. + +We had turned sixteen points, [1] and in about two minutes heard a +series of reports right astern of us. It was evident that our ruse had +succeeded and that he had overshot the mark. + +[Footnote 1: 180 deg.] + +Inside the boat one felt a slight jar as each bomb went off. + +We gradually came round to our proper course, and cruised all day +submerged at dead slow speed. Every time we lifted our periscope he was +still hanging about sufficiently close to make it foolish for us to +come to the surface. + +Towards noon a group of trawlers, doubtless summoned by wireless, +appeared, and proceeded to wander about. These seemed to concern Alten +far more than the airship, and he informed me that from their, to me, +aimless movements he deduced they were hunting for us by hydroplanes. +Occasionally we lay on the bottom in nineteen fathoms. + +By 4 p.m. the atmosphere was becoming rather unpleasant and hot, and +gradually we took off more clothes. Curiously enough, I longed for a +smoke, but wild horses would not have made me ask Alten for permission. + +At 8 p.m. it was sufficiently dark to enable us to rise, which gave me +great pleasure, though the first rush of fresh air down the hatch made +me vomit after hours of breathing the vitiated muck. On coming to the +surface we saw nothing in sight, but a breeze had sprung up which +caused spray to break over the bridge as we chugged along at 9 knots. + +Everyone was in high spirits, as always on the return journey, when the +mind turns to the Fatherland and all it holds. + +My mind turns to Zoe. I confess it to myself frankly. I hardly realized +to what extent this woman had begun to influence me until we received +the wireless signal ordering us to delay entering for twelve hours. The +receipt of this news, trivial though the delay has been, threw a mantle +of gloom over the crew. I participated in the depression and, upon +thought, rather wondered that this should be so. Self-analysis on the +lines laid down by Schessmanweil [1] revealed to me that the basis of +my annoyance is the fact that my next meeting with Zoe is deferred! I +feel instinctively that I shall have trouble here, and that I had +better haul off a lee shore whilst there is manoeuvring room, and +yet--and yet I secretly rejoice that every revolution of the propeller, +every clank and rattle of the Diesels brings us closer together. + +[Footnote 1: Apparently some German author, of obscure origin, as I +cannot find him in any book of reference.--ETIENNE.] + +Alten has just come down from the bridge, and we chatted for some +moments; it is evident that he wishes to apologize for his rudeness +over the smoking incident. + +I was in error, I admit it frankly; at the same time I did not know +that the battery was on charge, and to dash a match from my hand! I +could have shot him where he stood. However, I am not vindictive, and +as far as I am concerned the incident is ended. + +One thing I find trying in this small boat, and that is that I can +find no space in which to do half my Mueller exercises, the +leg-and-arm-swinging ones. I must see whether I can't invent a set of +U-boat exercises! + +Good! in two hours we reach the Mole-end light buoy. + + * * * * * + +_Submarine Mess, Bruges._ + + +It is midnight, and as I write in my room at the top of the house the +low rumble of the guns from the south-west vibrates faintly through the +open window, for it is extraordinarily warm for the time of year, and I +have flung back the curtains and risked the light shining. + +We spent the night at Zeebrugge and came up to the docks here next day. +We shall probably be in for a week, and I am on four days' "extended +absence from the boat," which practically means that I can go where I +like in the neighbourhood provided I am handy to a telephone. + +After a short inward struggle I rang Zoe up on the telephone; +fortunately I did not call first. + +A man's voice answered, and for a moment I was dumbfounded. I guessed +at once it was the Colonel, and I had counted so confidently on his +being still away at the front. + +For an instant I felt speechless, an impulse came to me to ring off +without further ado, but I restrained myself, and then a fine idea came +into my head. + +"Who is that?" I said. + +"Colonel Stein!" replied the voice, and my fears were confirmed, but my +plan of campaign held good. + +"I am speaking," I continued, "on behalf of Lieutenant Von +Schenk----" + +"Ah, yes!" growled the voice, and for an instant a panic seized me, but +I resumed: + +"He met Madame Stein at dinner some days ago, and she kindly asked him +to call; he has asked me to ring up and inquire when it would be +convenient, as he would like to meet you, sir, as well. He has been +unable to ring up himself, as he was sent away from Bruges on duty +early this morning." + +I smiled to myself at this little lie and listened. + +"Your friend had better call to-morrow then, for I leave to-morrow +evening for the Somme front; will you tell him?" + +I replied that I would, and left the telephone well satisfied, but +cursing the fates that made it advisable to keep clear of No. 10, +Kafelle Strasse for thirty-six hours. Needless to say next day I rang +up again in order to tell the Colonel that Lieutenant Schenk had +apparently been detained, as he was not yet back in Bruges, and how I +felt sure that he would be sorry at missing the Colonel, etc., etc., +but all this camouflage was unnecessary, as she herself came to the +'phone. I could have kissed the instrument when I told her of my +stratagem and heard her silvery laughter in my ear. + +"It is arranged that to-morrow, starting at 10.30, we motor for the day +to the Forest of Meten, taking our lunch and tea with us--pray Heaven +the weather holds." + +To-night in the Mess it is generally considered that U.B.40 has been +lost; she is ten days overdue and was operating off Havre, she has made +no signal for a fortnight. Such is the price of victory and the cost of +war--death, perhaps, in some terrible form, but bah! away with such +thoughts, to-morrow there is love and life and Zoe! + + * * * * * + +Once more it is night, still the guns rumble on the same old dismal +tones, and as it is raining now it must be getting bad up at the front. +Except for the rain it might have been last night, but much has +happened to me in the meanwhile. + +To-day in the forest by Ruysslede I found that I loved Zoe, loved her +as I have never yet loved woman, loved her with my soul and all that is +me. + +The day was gloriously fine when we started, and an hour's run took us +to the forest. We left the car at an inn and wandered down one of the +glades. + +I carried the basket and we strolled on and on until we found a +suitable place deep in the heart of the forest. + +I have the sailor's love for woods, for their depths, their shadows, +their mysteries, which are so vivid a contrast to the monotony of the +sea, with the everlasting circle of the horizon and the half-bowl of +the heavens above. + +In the forest to-day, though the leaves had turned to gold and red and +brown, the beeches were still well covered, and overhead we were tented +with a russet canopy. + +I say, at last we found a spot, or rather Zoe, who, with girlish +pleasure in the adventure, had run ahead, called to me, and as I write +I seem to hear the echoes of "Karl! Karl!" which rang through the wood. +When I came up to her she proudly pointed to the place she had found. + +It was ideal. An outcrop of rock formed a miniature Matterhorn in the +forest, and beneath its shelter with the old trees as silent witnesses +we sat and joked and laughed, and made twenty attempts to light a fire. + +After lunch, a little incident happened which had an enormous effect on +me; Zoe asked me whether I would mind if she smoked. + +How many women in these days would think of doing that? And yet, had +she but known it, I am still sufficiently old-fashioned to appreciate +the implied respect for any possible prejudices which was contained in +her request. + +After lunch, I asked her a question to which I dreaded the answer. + +I asked her whether, now that the old Colonel had gone to the Somme, +whether that meant that she would be leaving Bruges. + +She laughed and teasingly said: "Quien sabe, senor," but seeing my real +anxiety on this point, she assured me that she was not leaving for the +present. The Colonel, she said, had a strange belief that once a man +had served on the Flanders Front, and especially on the Ypres salient, +he always came back to die there. + +It appears that the Colonel has done fourteen months' service on the +salient alone, and is firmly convinced he will end his career on that +great burial ground. As we were talking about the Colonel I longed to +ask her how she had met him, and perhaps find out why she lives with +him, for I cannot believe she loves him, but I did not dare. + +Strangely enough I found that a curious shyness had taken hold of me +with regard to Zoe. + +I said to myself, "Fool! you are alone with her, you long to kiss her; +you have kissed her, first at the dinner-party, secondly when you said +good-bye at her flat," and yet to-day it was different. + +Then I was kissing a pretty woman, I was on the eve of a dangerous +life, and I was simply extracting the animal pleasures whilst I lived. + +To-day it was a case of Zoe, the personality I loved; I still longed to +kiss her, but I wanted to have the unquestioned right to kiss her, as +much as I wanted the kisses. + +I wanted to have her for my own, away from the contaminating ownership +of the old Colonel, and I determined to get her. + +I think she noticed the changed attitude on my part, and perhaps she +felt herself that a subtle change in our relationship had taken place, +and whilst I meditated on these things she fell into a doze at my side. + +I was sitting slightly above her, smoking to keep the midges away, and +as I looked down on her childish figure a great tenderness for her +filled my mind. She is very beautiful and to me desirable above all +women; I can see her as she lay there trustfully at my feet. I will +describe her, and then, when I get her photograph, I will read this +when I am far away on a trip. + +She is of average height, for I am just over six feet and she reaches +to just above my shoulder. Her hair is gloriously thick and of a deep +black colour, and lies low on her forehead. Her complexion is of the +purest whiteness beyond compare, which but accentuates the red warmth +of the lips which encircle her little mouth. Her figure is slight and +her ankles are my delight, but her crowning glories, which I have +purposely left till last, are her eyes. + +I feel I could lose my soul; I have lost it, if I have one, in the +violet depths of those eyes, which were veiled as she slept by the long +black eyelashes which curled up delicately as they rested on her +cheeks. I have re-read this description, and it is oh, so unsatisfying; +would I had the pen of a Goethe or a Shakespeare, yet for want of more +skill the description shall stand. + +How I long for her to be mine, and yet, unfortunate that I am, I cannot +for certain declare that she loves me. + +A thousand doubts arise. I torment myself with recollections of her +behaviour at the dinner-party, when within two hours of our first +meeting she gave me her lips. + +Yet did I not first roughly kiss her as we danced? + +I find consolation in the fact that, though she has said nothing, yet +her conduct to-day was different. She was so quiet after tea as we +wandered back through the forests with the setting sun striking golden +beams aslant the tree trunks. + +Before we left I sang to her Tchaikowsky's beautiful song, "To the +Forest," and I think she was pleased, for I may say with justice that +my voice is of high quality for an amateur, and the song goes well +without an accompaniment, whilst the atmosphere and surroundings were +ideal. + +There was only one jarring note in a perfect day; when we returned to +the car the chauffeur permitted himself a sardonic grin. Zoe +unfortunately saw it and blushed scarlet. + +I could have struck him on his impudent mouth, but for her sake I +judged it advisable to notice nothing. + +I feel I could go on writing about her all night, but it is nearly 2 +a.m. I must get some sleep. + +The guns rumble steadily in the south-west, and the sky is lit by their +flashes; may the fighting on the Somme be bloody these coming days. + + + + +[_Probably about ten days later.--Etienne._] + + +We leave to-night, having had a longer spell than usual. I am in a +distracted state of mind. Since our glorious day in the forest I have +seen her nearly every afternoon, though twice that swine Alten has kept +me in the boat in connection with some replacements of the battery. + +I have found out that, like me, she is intensely musical. She plays +beautifully on the piano, and we had long hours together playing Chopin +and Beethoven; we also played some of Moussorgsky's duets, but I love +her best when she plays Chopin, the composer pre-eminent of love and +passion. + +She has masses of music, as the Colonel gives her what she likes. We +also played a lot of Debussy. At first I demurred at playing a living +French composer's works, but she pouted and looked so adorable that all +my scruples vanished in an instant, so we closed all the doors and she +played it for hours very softly whilst I forgot the war and all its +horrors and remembered only that I was with the well-beloved girl. + +The Colonel writes from Thiepval, where the British are pouring out +their blood like water. He writes very interesting letters, and has had +many narrow escapes, but unfortunately he seems to bear a charmed life. +His letters are full of details, and I wonder he gets them past the +Field Censorship, but I suppose he censors his own. + +She laughs at them and calls them her Colonel's dispatches; she says he +is so accustomed to writing official reports that the poor old man +can't write an ordinary letter. + +I told her that I thought the way he mentioned regiments and +dispositions rather indiscreet, and she agrees, but she says he has +asked her to keep them, with a view to forming a collection of letters +written from the front whilst the incidents he describes are vivid in +his mind. I suppose the old ass knows his own business, and one day the +collection may be completed by a telegram "Regretting to announce, etc. +etc." The sooner the better. + +So the days passed pleasantly enough, and never by a gesture or word of +mouth did she show that I was more to her than any other pleasant young +man. + +I kissed her when I arrived, I kissed her when I left, each day was the +same. She would put her arms round my neck and look long and deeply +into my eyes, then she would gently kiss my lips. Not an atom of +emotion! not a spark from the fires which I feel must be raging beneath +that diabolically [1] extraordinary [1] amazingly calm exterior. + +[Footnote 1: These words are crossed out.--ETIENNE.] + +On ordinary subjects she would chatter vivaciously enough and she can +talk in a fascinating manner on every subject I care to bring up, but +as soon as I drew the conversation round to a personal line she +gradually became more silent and a far-away and distant look came into +those wonderful eyes. + +I have found out nothing about her beyond the fact that she has +travelled all over Europe. I don't even know how old she is, but I +should guess twenty-six. + +I tried to find out a few details by means of discreet remarks at the +Club and elsewhere. + +She simply arrived here about a year ago--as a singer, and met the +Colonel--beyond that, all is mystery. Everything about her attracts me +powerfully, and this mystery adds subtleties to her charms. + +This afternoon I went to say good-bye; I told her we were leaving +"shortly," and she gently reproved me for disobeying the order which +forbids discussion of movements, but I could see she was not greatly +displeased. + +After tea she played to me, music of the modern Russian +school--Arensky, Sibelius and Pilsuki; a storm was brewing and we both +felt sad. + +She played for an hour or so, and then came and sat by me on a low +divan by the fire. We were silent for a long while in the gathering +gloom, whilst a thousand thoughts chased each other swiftly through my +brain, as I endeavoured to summon up courage to say what I had +determined I must say before I left her, perhaps for ever. + +At last, when only her profile was visible against the glow of the +logs, I spoke. + +I told her quietly, calmly and almost dispassionately that I had grown +to love her and that to me she was life itself. I told her that I had +tried not to speak until I could endure no longer. + +She sat very still as I spoke, and when I had finished there was a long +silence and I gently stretched out my hand and stroked her lovely black +hair. At last she rose and with averted face walked across the room, +and stood looking at the storm through the big bow windows. I watched +her, but did not dare follow. + +At length she returned to me, and I saw what I had instinctively known +the whole time--that she had been crying. I could not think why. + +She put her arms round my neck, kissed me on the forehead and murmured, +"Poor Karl." + +I felt crushed; I dared not move for fear of breaking the magic of the +moment, yet I longed to know more; I felt overwhelmed by some colossal +mystery that seemed to be enveloping me in its folds. Why did she pity +me? Why did she weep? Why didn't she answer my avowal? Why didn't she +tell me something? Such were some of the problems that perplexed me. + +It was thus when the clock chimed seven. I told her that my leave was +up at seven o'clock, and that at 7.15 I had to be back on board the +boat. She remembered this, and in an instant the past quarter of an +hour might never have existed. She was all agitation and nervousness +lest I should be late on board--though at the moment I would have +cheerfully missed the boat to hear her say she loved me. + +I tried to protest, but in vain. With feminine quickness she utilized +the incident to avoid a situation she evidently found full of +difficulty, and at 7.10, with the memory of a light kiss on my lips and +her God-speed in my ears I was in a taxi driving to the docks in a +blinding rain-storm--and we sail to-night. + +For five, six, seven, perhaps ten days at the least, and at the most +for ever, I am doomed to be away from her and without news of her. And +I don't even know whether she loves me! + +I think I can say she cares for me up to a certain point, but I want +more. + + "Oh Zoe! of the violet eyes, + And hair of blackest night + Thy lips are brightest crimson, + Thy skin is dazzling white. + + "Oh! lay your head upon my breast, + And lift your lips to mine; + Then murmur in soft breathings, + Drink deep from what is thine. + + "Then let the war rage onward, + Let kingdoms rise and fall; + To each shall be the other, + Their life, their hope, their all." + +[Footnote: I am indebted to Commander C. C. for the above rough +translation of Karl's effusion.--ETIENNE.] + + + + +_At sea._ + + +We are bound for the same old spot as last time. + +Alten must have been drinking like a fish lately; his breath smells +like a distillery; he is apparently partial to schnapps, which he gets +easily in Bruges. + +I can't help admiring the man, as he is a rigid teetotaller at sea, +though he must find the strain well nigh intolerable, judging from the +condition he was in when he came on board last night. He was really +totally unfit to take charge of the boat, and I virtually took her down +the canal, though with sottish obstinacy he insisted on remaining on +the bridge. + +This morning, though his complexion was a hideous yellow colour, he +seems quite all right. I shall play a little trick on him at dinner +to-night. + +I have begun to get to know some of the crew by now; they are a fine +lot of youngsters with a seasoning of half a dozen older men. The +coxswain, Schmitt by name, is a splendid old petty officer who has been +in the U-boat service since 1911. + +His favourite enjoyment is to spin yarns to the younger members of the +crew, who know of his weakness and play up to it. + +He has a favourite expression which runs thus: + +"His Majesty the Kaiser said Germany's future lies on the sea; I say +Germany's future lies under the sea." + +He is inordinately fond of this statement, and the youngsters +continually say: "What made you take to U-boat work, Schmitt?" and the +invariable reply is as above. When he has been asked the question about +half a dozen times in the course of a day, he is liable to become +suspicious, and if his questioner is within range Schmitt stares at him +for a few seconds in an absent-minded way, then an arm like that of a +gorilla shoots out, and the quizzer (_Untersucher_) receives a +resounding box on the ears to the huge delight of his companions. The +old man then permits his iron-lipped mouth to relax into a caustic +smile, after which he is left in peace for some time. + +At the wheel he is an artist, for he seems to divine what the next +order is going to be, or if he is steering her on a course he predicts +the direction of the next wave even as a skilful chess player works out +the moves ahead. + + * * * * * + +I am rather weary and ought to go to bed, but before I lose the savour +I must record the splendid fun I had with Alten at dinner. + +We were dining alone, as the navigator was on the bridge, and the +engineer was busy with a slight leak in the cooking water service. I +have said that, though a heavy drinker by nature, Alten is a strict +abstainer at sea. Accordingly I produced a small flask of rum, half-way +through dinner, and helped myself to a liberal tot, placing the liquor +between us on the table. As the sight met his eyes and the aroma +greeted his nostrils, a gleam of joy flashed across his face, to be +succeeded by a frown. + +With an amiable smile I proffered the flask to him, remarking at the +same time: "You don't drink at sea, do you?" + +In a thick voice he muttered, "No! Yes--no! thank you." + +With an air of having noticed nothing, I resumed my meal, but out of +the corner of my eye I watched his left hand on the table near the +flask. It was most interesting, all the veins stood out like ropes, and +his knuckles almost burst through the skin. + +This went on for about thirty seconds, when he choked out something +about needing a breath of fresh air. As he got up his face was brick +red, and I almost thought he'd have a fit. + +Whether by accident or design he pulled the cloth as he got out from +between the settee and the table and upset the flask. + +He was apparently incapable of apologizing, for he rushed up on deck. + +A few minutes later the navigating officer came down and asked what was +up? + +I said: "What do you mean?" + +He said: "Well, the Captain came up just now, swearing like a trooper, +and told me to get to the devil out of it; it didn't seem advisable to +question him, so I got out of it and came down." + +I expressed my opinion that the Captain must be feeling sea-sick and +was ashamed to say so. I also suggested to the navigator that he should +take the Captain a little brandy in case he was not feeling well, but +the navigator declared he was going to stay down in the warmth till he +was sent for. Alten is a great coarse brute. Fancy allowing a material +substance such as alcohol to grip one's mentality. + +Thank Heaven I have nerves of iron; nothing would affect me! + +And now to bed, though I must just read my account of our day in the +forest. Darling girl, may I dream of thee. + + * * * * * + +We laid our mines without trouble at 5 a.m. this morning, though at +midnight we had a most unpleasant experience. + +I was asleep, as it was my morning watch, when I was awakened by the +harsh rattle of the diving alarms. + +The Diesel subsided with a few spasmodic coughs into silence, and as I +jumped out of my bunk and groped for my short sea boots, the navigator +and helmsman came tumbling down the conning tower, with the navigator +shouting, "Take her down," as hard as you like. + +The men at the planes had them "hard-to-dive" in an instant. + +The vents had been opened as the hooters sounded, and Alten, who had +jumped into the control room, immediately rang down, "All out on the +electric motors." + +In thirty seconds from the original alarm we were at an angle of twenty +degrees down by the bow, and I had sat down heavily on the battery +boards, completely surprised by the sudden tilt of the deck. + +It occurred to me that the air was escaping through the vents with a +strangely loud noise, but before I could consider the matter further or +even inquire the reason for this sudden dive, the noise increased to a +terrifying extent, and whilst I prepared myself for the worst it +culminated into a roar as of fifty express trains going through a +tunnel, mingled with the noise of a high-powered aeroplane engine. + +The roar drummed and beat and shook the boat, then died away as +suddenly as it came; a moment later there was a severe jar. We had +struck the bottom, still maintaining our angle. + +I painfully got to my feet and then discovered from the navigator that +he had suddenly seen two white patches of foam 800 yards on the +starboard bow, which resolved themselves into the bow waves of a +destroyer approaching at full speed to ram. + +We had dived just in time, and her knife-edged bow, driven by 30,000 +horse power, had slid through the water a very few feet above our +conning tower. + +Luckily he had not dropped any depth charges. We were not, however, +completely free of our troubles, though we had cheated the destroyer. + +Examination of the chart, showed the bottom to be mud, and on +attempting to move the foremost hydroplanes, the plane motor fuses blew +out. This showed that the boat was buried in the mud right up to her +foremost planes, which were immovable. + +The hydrophone watchkeeper reported that he could still hear +fast-running propellers, though probably some distance away, and as +this showed that our old enemy was still nosing about we were very +anxious not to break surface. We just blew "A." [1] At least we started +to blow "A," but Alten wisely decided that, as it was a calm night with +a half-moon, the bubbles on the surface might be rather conspicuous, so +we stopped the blow and put the pump on. We also flooded "W". [2] This +had no effect on her at all. + +[Footnote 1: Probably their foremost internal tank.--ETIENNE.] + +[Footnote 2: Presumably their after internal tank.--ETIENNE.] + +We then pumped out "Q" and "P," leaving "W" full, and adjusted our trim +to give her only three tons negative buoyancy, just enough to keep us +on the bottom if she came out of the mud. + +In this position we went full speed astern on the motors, 1,500 amps on +each, and all the crew in the after-compartment. No result. We then +pumped the outer diving tanks on the port side to give her a list to +starboard. Still she remained fixed. + +So at 2 a.m. we decided to risk it and we put a slow blow on all tanks. + +When she had about fifty tons positive buoyancy she suddenly bucketed +up, and, as the motors were running full speed astern at the time, we +came up and broke surface stern first. In a few seconds we were trimmed +down again, and as a precautionary measure we proceeded for a couple of +miles at twenty metres, when, coming up to periscope depth, we +surfaced, and finding all clear we proceeded. We were put down by a +trawler at dawn, though she never saw us. After half an hour's hanging +about she moved off, which was lucky, as she was right on our billet. + +We are now proceeding to a spot somewhat to the eastward of Cape St. +Abbs, [3] as we have instructions to do a two-days patrol here and sink +shipping. + +[Footnote 3: St. Abbs Head.--ETIENNE] + +We ought to start business to-morrow morning. + + * * * * * + +We should be in to-night, then for my little Zoe! + +But I must record what we have done. Already I am getting much pleasure +from reading my diary. Strange how it amuses one to see little bits of +oneself on paper, and the less garnished and franker the truths the +more entertaining it is. + +[Illustration: "The torpedo had jumped clean out of the water a hundred +yards short of the steamer and had then dived under her."] + +[Illustration: "We were put down by a trawler at dawn."] + +[Illustration: A moment later there was a severe jar; we had struck +the bottom] + +The hours here are so long and boring at times that I feel I want to +talk intimately with someone. Failing Zoe I turn to my notebooks. + +The first steamer we sighted raised high hopes, at least her smoke did, +for we saw enough smoke on the horizon to make us think we were to see +the Grand Fleet, and we promptly dived. We cruised towards her for +about half an hour, and then hung about where we were, as we found that +her course would take the ship close to us. + +As the situation developed, Alten, who was up in the conning tower at +the "A" periscope, gave us a certain amount of information, and we +gathered that all this smoke was pouring out of the pipe-stem tunnel of +a wretched little English tramp. + +I found it most irritating, standing in the control room (my action +station) and not knowing what was going on. + +There is only one good job in a submarine and that is the Captain's. He +knows and decides everything. The rest of us are in his hands and take +things on trust. I object on principle to my life being held in Alten's +hands. It is all very well for the crew, for, to start with, they have +no imagination, and to most of them their mental horizon stops at the +walls of the boat. Secondly, they have the consolation of mechanical +activities; they make and break switches and open and close +valves--they work with their hands. An officer has imagination, and +only works with his head. + +As we attacked the steamer, all one heard was murmurs from Alten, such +as: "Raise!" "Lower!" "Take her down to ten metres!" "Half speed!" +"Slow!" "Bring her up to five metres!" "Raise!" "Lower!" + +I endeavoured to simulate an air of unconcern which I was far from +feeling. + +Not that I was a prey to physical fear; I flatter myself it is so far +unknown to me, and there was no great danger, but simply that I longed +to know what was happening. At length I heard the welcome order: + +"Starboard tube. Stand by!" + +Which was followed almost immediately by the order: "Fire!" + +There was a kind of coughing grunt, and the starboard torpedo proceeded +on its errand of destruction. + +Every ear was strained for the sound of the explosion, but all we were +vouchsafed was a torrent of blasphemy from Alten. + +The torpedo had jumped clean out of the water a hundred yards short of +the steamer, and had then evidently dived under the ship; so I gathered +later when Alten had calmed down somewhat. We were about to surface and +give her the gun, when luckily Alten took a good sweep round with the +skyscraper and discovered one of those wretched little airships about a +mile away, coming towards the steamer, which was wailing piteously, on +her syren. + +As the chart showed forty metres we decided to bottom and have lunch. + +Over lunch we discussed the misadventure. Alten was loud in his curses +of Tanzerman (the torpedo lieutenant at Bruges), from whom he had got +the torpedo in guaranteed good condition only forty-eight hours before +we sailed. He launched forth into a tirade against the torpedo staff at +Bruges, and, warming to his subject, he roundly abused the whole of the +depot personnel, whom he stigmatized as a set of hard-drinking, +shore-loafing ruffians, who were incapable of realizing that they +existed for the benefit of the boats' personnel and "material." + +I naturally disagreed, and did so the more readily that I +conscientiously disagree with him. I find that there is a tendency on +the part of some of these submarine officers, who have been U-boating a +long time, to get into narrow grooves. Most reserve officers are not +like this, as they have only been in during the war. Alten is an +exception; he left the Hamburg-Amerika on two years' half pay in 1912, +and was, of course, kept on in 1914. After all, the depot staff are +Germans, and as such labour for the Fatherland, and though their work +in office and workship is not so dangerous as ours, on the other hand +they have not got the stimulation before their eyes, of glory to be +gained. Personally I am of the opinion that the torpedo broke surface +because, being fired from the outside tubes, it probably started too +shallow, dived deep, recovered shallow and dived deep, broke surface +and dived very deep. A sticky motor or sluggish weight would give this +effect. + +And are these external tubes water-tight? Theoretically, yes, but what +of practice? We have been down to forty metres several times during +this trip, and not once have we had a chance on the surface of getting +at the two external tubes; add to which our depth gear, with the pivots +of the weight exposed to water if the tube does flood and then you have +rust, corrosion and heaven knows what complications. + +I saw a British Mark 11.50 torpedo at the torpedo shop at Bruges the +other day, and I was much struck with their deep depth gear, which is +of the unrestrained Uhlan type, i.e., weight and valve interdependent. +But then the main feature is that the whole gear is contained in a +separate water-tight chamber. + +Our system is certainly a great saving in space, and is much neater in +design, whilst I prefer the Uhlan principle of valve conjuncting with +weight, but it would be interesting to know whether the British have +much trouble with the depth-keeping of their torpedo. + +I have written quite a disquisition on depth gears; I must get on with +my record of events. + +After lunch we had a good look round, but the small airship was still +hanging about, flying slowly in large circles. + +We were rather surprised to meet one of these despicable little +sausages or "Zeppelin's Spawn," as the navigator calls them, so far +from land, and at dark we surfaced and proceeded on one engine on an +easterly course, charging the battery right up with the other engine. + +Dawn revealed a blank horizon, not a vestige of mast, funnel or smoke +in sight. + +We ambled along in fine though cold weather, and I took advantage of +the peacefulness of everything to do a really good series of Mueller on +the upper deck, stripped to the waist, and allowed the keen air to play +its invigorating currents on my torso. + +Alten silently watched me from the conning tower, with a sneering +expression on his face. The navigator, who is quite a decent youngster, +though of no family, was, I could plainly see, struck by my +development, and asked to be initiated into the series of exercises. I +agreed willingly enough to show them to him. I will confess I wish Zoe +could have seen me as I perspired with healthy exercise. + +At about 11 a.m. a couple of masts, then two more, then another, +appeared above the horizon. The visibility was extreme, so we at once +dived and proceeded at full speed, ten metres. + +We had been going thus for perhaps half an hour when Alten remarked +that he would have another look at the convoy. We eased speed, came up +to six metres, and Alten proceeded up into the conning tower to use "A" +periscope. + +He had hardly applied his eye to the lens when he sharply ordered the +boat to ten metres, accompanying this order with another to the motor +room demanding utmost speed (_Ausserste Kraft_). I went up to the +conning tower and found him white with excitement. + +"Look!" he exclaimed, pointing to the periscope, entirely forgetful of +the fact that we were at ten metres. I looked, and of course saw +nothing; furious at the trick I considered he had played on me I turned +on him, to be disarmed by his apology. + +"Sorry! I forgot! The whole British battle cruiser force is there." + +It was now my turn to be excited, and I rushed down to the motor room +determined to give her every amp she would take. The port foremost +motor was sparking like the devil, rings of cursed sparks shooting +round the commutator, but this was no time for ceremony. I relentlessly +ordered the field current to be still further reduced. + +We were actually running with an F.C. of 3.75 amps, [1] for a period, +when the sparking assumed the appearance of a ring of fire and, fearing +a commutator strip would melt, I ordered an F.C. of five amps. + +[Footnote 1: The lower the field current the faster the motor goes. +3.75 is almost incredibly low for a motor of this type--at least +according to British practice.--ETIENNE.] + +We thus passed a quarter of an hour full of strain, the tension of +which was reflected in the attitude of all the men. Alten had announced +his intention of using the stern torpedo tube after his failure in the +morning, and the crew of this tube were crouched at their stations like +a gun's crew in the last few seconds preparatory to opening fire. The +switchboard attendants gripped the regulating rheostatts as if by their +personal efforts they could urge the boat on faster. Old Schmitt, at +the helm, never lifted his eyes from the compass repeater. + +At length: "Slow both!" "Bring her to six metres!" came from the +conning tower, to which place I proceeded to hear the news. + +Slowly the periscope was raised and I held my breath; a groan came from +Alten and he turned away. For a fraction of a second I was almost +pleased at his obvious pain, then, sick with disappointment, I took his +place. + +Yes! it was all over. There they were, and with hungry eyes and +depressed heart I saw five great battle cruisers, of which I recognized +the _Tiger_ with her three great funnels, the _Princess Royal_, _Lion_ +and two others, zigzagging along at 25 knots, at a distance of 12,000 +metres, across our bow. + +They were surrounded by a numerous screen of destroyers and light +cruisers, the former at that range through the periscope appearing as +black smudges. + +It is not often one is permitted such a spectacle in modern war, and I +could not tear myself away from the sight of those great brutes, whom I +had fought when in the _Derflingger_ at Dogger Bank and again when in +the _Koenig_ at Jutland. So near and yet so far, and as they rapidly +drew away so did all the visions of an Iron Cross. As soon as they were +out of sight, we surfaced in order to report what we had seen to +Zeebrugge and Heligoland. + +Everything seemed against us. I had gone on the bridge with the +navigator; Alten, with a face as black as hell, had gone to the +wardroom. About ten minutes elapsed when I heard a fearful altercation +going on below. I stepped down to find the young wireless operator +trembling in front of Alten, who was overwhelming him with a flood of +abuse. As I reached the wardroom, Alten shook his fist in the man's +face and bellowed: + +"Make the d---- thing work, I tell you." + +"Impossible, Captain, the main condenser----" the man began. + +Purple with rage, Alten seized a heavy pair of parallel rulers, and +before I could check him hurled them full in the operator's face. +Bleeding copiously, the youth fell to the deck in a stunned condition. + +It was then, for the first time, that I noticed a half-empty bottle of +spirits on the table, which colossal quantity he must have consumed in +about a quarter of an hour. + +Turning to me, this semi-madman pointed to the wireless operator with +his foot and growled: + +"Have him removed." + +This I did, and then, lowering the periscope, I ordered the boat to +fifteen metres. We proceeded at this depth until 8 p.m., when I was +informed that the Captain was in his bunk and wished to see me. + +I discovered him with his face to the ship's side, and upon my +reporting myself he ordered me, firstly to throw that blasted bottle +overboard (an unnecessary proceeding, as it was empty), and secondly to +surface and shape course for Zeebrugge. + +At midnight he relieved me, apparently perfectly normal. + +The wireless operator has been laid up all day and has a nasty cut on +the head. The navigator, a great scandal-monger, has heard from the +engineer that Alten was speaking to him alone this morning, and the +engineer believes that Alten has given him five hundred marks to say he +fell down a hatch. + +Hooray! Blankenberg buoy has just been reported in sight! Soon I shall +see my Zoe! + + * * * * * + +With what high hopes did I write the last few lines a few hours ago, +and how they were dashed to the ground, for on going into the Mess at +Bruges I found amongst my letters a note from her, which was terrible +in its brevity. She simply said: + + +"DEAR KARL, + +"I am going away for some days, and as I shall be travelling it is no +good giving you an address. To our next meeting! + +"ZOE." + + +How horribly vague; not an indication of her destination, her object, +or the probable length of her absence. Of course I rushed round to the +flat, but found the place shut up. The porter told me she had gone away +with her maid. He couldn't say when she'd be back--if at all! I gave +him ten marks, and he said she might be away a fortnight. If I'd given +him twenty he'd have said a week; he obviously didn't know. + +I feel I could do anything to-night; any mad, evil thing would appeal +to me. + +There is a most fearful uproar coming from the guest-room, where a +large and rowdy party are entertaining the chorus of a travelling +_revue_ company. I saw them when they arrived, horribly common-looking +women, with legs like mine tubes. + + * * * * * + +Another day and still no news; I don't know how I shall stick it. She +might have had the softness of heart to write to me. She knows my +address. + +This evening a letter from the little mother, who asks whether I can +find time to go to Frankfurt when I have leave; at the end of the +letter she mentions that Rosa has joined the Women's Voluntary +Auxiliary Corps of Army Nurses. I suppose she thought she'd like her +photograph taken in some fancy uniform as "Rosa Freinland, one of our +Frankfurt beauties, now on war work!" Holding the patient's hand is +about the only work she intends doing. + +Women as a class are the same the world over. We are well supplied with +English papers in the Mess here; they come regularly from Amsterdam, +and in their pages I see, just as in ours, pictures of the Countess +this and the Lord that, photographed in becoming attitudes doing war +work. It seems agricultural pursuits are the fashion in England at +present--wait till our U-boat war gets its knife well into their fat +guts, it will be more than fashionable to work in the fields then. + +The British Empire is undeniably a great creation, or rather not so +much a creation as a thing arrived at accidentally, but it lacks +solidarity. It sprawls, a confused mass of races and creeds, around the +world. Its very immensity lays it open to attack, it has a dozen +Achilles heels from Ireland to Egypt and South Africa to India. + +I met a man only yesterday who was recently at the propaganda +department of the Foreign Office, and without going into details he +gave me a very good idea of the good work that is going on in Britain's +canker spots. + +Ireland is considered particularly promising to those in the know. + +Now for an agitated night! To think that a girl should disturb me so! + + * * * * * + +Two days have passed, or, rather, dragged their interminable lengths +away, for there is still not a vestige of news. I have been twice to +the flat with no result, except to receive a piece of impertinence from +the porter the last time I was there. + +No news. + + * * * * * + +Still no news, and we sail in forty-eight hours. + + + + +_At sea, off the Isle of Wight_. + + +It is some days since I turned for solace and enjoyment, amidst the +discomforts of this life, to my pen and notebook. + +What strange tricks fate plays with us, and how lucky it is that one +cannot foresee the future. + +Here I am in U.39--but I must start at the beginning. My last entry was +the depressing one of still no news. Well, I have had news, but it was +like a drop of water in the mouth of a parched-up man. Another +agonizing twenty-four hours passed, and I was sitting in my room about +ten o'clock, trying to resign myself to the idea that the next night I +should be starting out for my third trip without news of her, when the +telephone bell rang. I lifted the receiver and to my amazed joy heard a +voice that I could have recognized in a thousand. It was Zoe! + +I was quite incapable of any remark, and my confusion was further +increased when, after a few "Hello's," which I idiotically repeated, +her clear, level tones said: "Is that you, Karl? How are you?" How was +I? What a question to ask! I wanted to tell her that I was bubbling +with joy, that a thousand-kilogramme load had been lifted from my +chest, that my blood was coursing through my veins, that I, usually so +cool, was trembling with excitement, that I could have kissed the +mouthpiece of the humble instrument that linked us together. Yet I was +quite incapable of answering her simple question! I can't imagine what +I expected her to say, for upon reflection her remark was a very +ordinary one, and indeed under the circumstances quite natural, but, as +I say, in actual fact I was tongue-tied. + +I suppose I must have said something, for I next remember her saying: +"Well, you might ask how I am;" and to my horror I realized that she +thought I was being rude! + +My abject apologies were cut short by her tantalizing laugh, and I +understood that the adorable one was teasing me. When at length I made +myself believe that I really was talking to this most elusive and +delightful woman I wasted no time in suggesting that, late though it +was, I might be permitted to go round and see her. She would not permit +this, as she said it would create grave scandal, and the Colonel might +hear about it upon his return. I pleaded hard and urged my departure in +twenty-four hours. + +She was firm and reproved me for discussing movements over the +telephone. She was right; I was a fool to do so; but Zoe destroys all +my caution. However, she said that I might lunch with her next day, and +that she had some new music to play to me. I ventured to ask where she +had been, but this question was plainly unpleasing to my lady, so I +dropped the subject. I blew her a goodnight kiss over the telephone, to +which I think I caught an answer, and then she rang off. + +Ten minutes had not elapsed, when a messenger entered and informed me +that I was wanted at the Commodore's office at once. + +A strange feeling of uneasiness and that of impending misfortune +overcame me. I felt like a naughty school-boy about to interview the +headmaster. + +I followed the messenger into the Commodore's office, and found myself +alone with the great man. He was seated at a huge roll-top desk, which +was the only article of furniture in a room which was to all intents +and purposes papered with large scale charts of the east and south +coasts of England and of the Channel and North Sea. + +The Commodore was sealing an envelope as I came in; he looked up and +saw me, then, without taking any further notice of me, he resumed his +business with the envelope. I felt that I was in the presence of a +personality, and I was, for "Old Man Max" is one of the ten men who +count in the Naval Administration. He had a reading lamp on his desk, +and I remember noticing that the light shining through its green shade +imparted a yellow parchment-like effect to the top of his old bald +head. With dainty care he finished sealing the envelope, then, picking +up a telephone transmitter, he snapped "Admiralty!" In about a minute +he was connected, and to my astonishment I realized that he was talking +to the duty captain of the operations department in Berlin. + +His words chilled my heart, for he said: "Commodore speaking! U.39 +sails at 2 a.m. for operation F.Q.H.--Repeat." + +His words were apparently repeated to his satisfaction, for while I was +vainly endeavouring to convince myself that I was unconnected with the +sailing of U.39, he banged the receiver into place (Old Man Max does +everything in bangs) and snapped at me. + +"You Lieutenant Von Schenk?" + +I admitted I was, and then heard this disgusting news. + +"Kranz, 1st Lieutenant U.39, reported suddenly ill, Zeebrugge, +poisoning--you relieve him. Ship sails in one hour forty minutes from +now--my car leaves here in forty minutes and takes you to Zeebrugge. +Here are operation orders--inform Von Weissman he acknowledges receipt +direct to me on 'phone. That's all." + +He handed me the envelope and I suppose I walked outside--at least I +found myself in the corridor turning the confounded envelope round and +round. For one mad moment I felt like rushing in and saying: "But, sir, +you don't understand I'm lunching with Zoe to-morrow!" + +Then the mental picture which this idea conjured up made me shake with +suppressed laughter and I remembered that war was war and that I had +only thirty-five minutes in which to collect such gear as I had +handy--most of my sea things being in U.C.47--and say goodbye to Zoe. + +I ran to my room and made the corridors echo with shouts for my +faithful Adolf. The excellent man was soon on the scene, and whilst he +stuffed underclothing, towels and other necessary gear into a bag he +had purloined from someone's room, I rang up Zoe. I wasted ten minutes +getting through, but at last I heard a deliciously sleepy voice murmur, +"Who's that?" + +I told her, and added that I was off; to my secret joy, an intensely +disappointed and long-drawn "Oooh!" came over the wire. So she does +care a bit, I thought. Mad ideas of pretending to be suddenly ill +crossed my mind--anything to gain twenty-four hours--but the Fatherland +is above all such considerations, and after some pleasant talk and many +wishes of good luck from the darling girl, with a heavy heart I bade +her good-night. + +The Old Man's car, which is a sixty horse-power Benz, was waiting at +the Mess entrance, and once clear of the sentries we raced down the +flat, well-metalled road to Zeebrugge in a very short time. The guard +at Bruges barrier had 'phoned us through to the Zeebrugge fortified +zone, and we were admitted without delay. In three-quarters of an hour +from my interview with old Max I was scrambling across a row of U-boats +to reach my new ship, U.39. + +I went down the after hatch, reported myself to Von Weissman and +delivered his orders to him, of which he acknowledged receipt direct to +the Commodore according to instructions. Von Weissman is a very +different stamp of man to Alten; of medium height, he has +sandy-coloured hair, steel-grey eyes and a protruding jaw. He is what +he looks, a fine North Prussian, and is, of course, of excellent +family, as the Weissmans have been settled in Grinetz for a long +period. + +He struck me as being about thirty years of age, and on his heart he +wore the Cross of the second class. I have heard of him before as being +well in the running towards an _ordre pour le merite_. + +An interesting chart is hanging in the wardroom, on which is marked the +last resting-place of every ship he has sunk. He puts a coloured dot, +the tint of which varies with the tonnage, black up to 2,000, blue from +2,000-5,000, brown 5,000-8,000, green 8,000-11,000, and a red spot with +the ship's name for anything over 11,000. He has got about 120,000 tons +at present. He opposes the Arnauld de la Perriere school of thought, +which pins faith on the gun, and Weissman has done nearly all his work +with the good old torpedo. + +Altogether, undoubtedly a man to serve with. + +The U.39 was in that buzzing and semi-active condition which to a +trained eye is a sure indication that the ship is about to sail. +Punctually at five minutes to 2 a.m. Weissman went to the bridge, and +at 2 a.m. the wires were slipped and we started on a ten days' trip. As +the dim lights on the mole disappeared and the ceaseless fountain of +star-shells, mingling with the flashing of guns, rose inland on our +port beam my mind travelled overland to the flat at Bruges, and I +wondered whether Zoe was lying awake listening to the ceaseless rumble +of the Flanders cannon. We went on at full speed, as it was our +intention to pass the Dover Straits before dawn. Though our +intelligence bureau issues the most alarming reports as to the +frightfulness of the defences here I was agreeably surprised at the +ease with which we passed. Von Weissman, to whom I had hinted that we +might find the passage tricky, rather laughed at my suggestion, and +described to me his method, which, at all events, has the merit of +simplicity. + +He always goes through with the tide, so as to take as short a time as +possible, and he always decides on a course and steers it as closely as +possible, keeping to the surface unless he sights anything, and diving +as soon as anything shows up. Even if he dives he goes on as fast as +possible on his course, irrespective of whether he is being bombed or +not. + +I must say it worked very well last night. We shaped a course to pass +five miles west of Gris Nez, and when that light, which for some reason +the French had commodiously lit that night, was abeam, we sighted a +black object, probably a trawler or destroyer, about half a dozen miles +away right ahead. Weissman immediately dived and, without deviating a +degree from his course, held on at three-quarters speed on the motors. +Some time later the hydrophone watchkeeper reported the sound of +propellers in his listeners, and that he judged them to be close at +hand, so I imagine we passed very nearly directly underneath whatever +it was. + +After an hour's submerging we rose, and found dawn breaking over a +leaden and choppy sea. Nothing being in sight, we continued on the +surface for an hour, charging batteries with the starboard engine (500 +amps on each), but at 9 a.m., the clouds lying low and an aerial patrol +being frequent hereabouts, we dived and cruised steadily down channel +at slow speed, keeping periscope depth. + +Several times in the course of the forenoon we sighted small destroyers +and convoy craft [1] in the distance, all steering westerly. They were +probably returning from escorting troopships over to France last night. +In every case we went to sixty feet long before they could have seen +our "stick." [2] Weissman is evidently as cautious in this matter as he +is hardy in others; the more I see of him the more I like him; he is a +man of breeding, and it is of value to serve in this boat. + +[Footnote 1: Probably "P" boats.--ETIENNE.] + +[Footnote 2: Periscope.--ETIENNE.] + +As I write we are on the surface about ten miles east of the Isle of +Wight, still steering down channel. To-night at midnight we report our +position to Zeebrugge, up till now we have maintained wireless silence +for fear of the British and French directional stations picking up our +signals and fixing our position. + +After supper this evening Von Weissman explained to me the general plan +of our operations for the next eight days. Our cruising billet is about +150 miles south-west of the Scillys, at the focal point where trade for +Liverpool and Bristol and the up-channel trade diverges. Von Weissman +says that this is a plum billet and we should do well. + +I feel this is going to be better than those piffling little +mine-laying trips, and though we shall be away ten days, it will +qualify me for four days' leave in Belgium. + + * * * * * + +There was nearly an awkward moment last night, or, rather, there was an +awkward moment, and nearly an awkward accident. I relieved the +navigator at midnight (the pilot is an unassuming individual called +Siegel) and took on the middle watch. It was blowing about force 4 from +the south-west, and a nasty short, lumpy sea was running which caught +us just on the port bow. About once every ten seconds she missed her +step with the waves and, dipping her nose into it, shovelled up tons of +water, which, as the bow lifted, raced aft and, breaking against the +gun, flung itself in clouds of spray against the bridge. In a very few +minutes every exposed portion of me was streaming with water. + +At about 2 a.m. I had turned my back to the sea for a moment, and my +thoughts were for an instant in Bruges, when, on facing forward once +again I saw a sight which effectually brought me back to earth. + +This was the spectacle of two black shapes, evidently steamers, one on +either bow, distant, I should estimate, 600 or 700 metres. I had to +make a quick decision, and I decided that to fire a torpedo in that sea +with any hope of a hit, especially with the boat on surface, was +useless; furthermore, that at any moment either of the steamers might +sight us from their high bridge and turn and ram. + +These thoughts were the work of an instant, and I at once rang the +diving bell, and, pushing the look-out before me, in five seconds I was +in the conning tower and had the hatch down. I at once proceeded down +into the boat, and the first thing that struck my eye was the diving +gauge with the needle practically stationary at two metres. + +The boat was not going down properly! and for an instant I was rudely +shaken, until a cool voice from the wardroom remarked, "Helm hard +a-port," an order that was instantly obeyed, and as she began to turn +the moving needle on the depth gauge began its journey round the dial. +It was the Captain who had spoken. As soon as he heard the diving alarm +he was out of his bunk, and a glance at the gauge he has fitted in the +wardroom told him we were not sinking rapidly. In an instant he had put +his finger on the trouble, which was that we were almost head on to the +sea, with the result that he had given the order as stated above, +which, bringing us beam on to the sea, had caused her to dive with +ease. He is efficiency itself! + +As I explained to him what had happened, the noise of propellers at +varying distances from us overhead led him to state his belief that we +had run into a convoy homeward bound to Southampton from the Atlantic. + +He approved of my actions in every particular, save only in my omission +to bring the boat away from the sea as I began to dive. + +This morning we are beginning to get the full force of what is +evidently going to be a south-westerly gale of some violence. The seas +are getting larger as we debouch into the Atlantic. This looks bad for +business. + + * * * * * + +At the moment we are practically hove to on the surface, with the port +engine just jogging to keep her head on to sea and the starboard +ticking round to give her a long, slow charge of 200 amps. + +The wind is force 7-8 and a very big sea is running which makes it +entirely impossible to open the conning tower hatch; the engine is +getting its air through the special mushroom ventilator, which is +apparently not designed to supply both the boat's requirements and +those of the engine; the whole ventilator gets covered with sea every +now and then, during which period until the baffle drains get the water +away no air can get in, so the engine has a good suck at the air in the +boat, the result of all this being a slight vacuum in the boat. It is a +very unpleasant sensation, and made me very sick. This is really a form +of sickness due to the rarefied air. + +I had a great surprise when I looked at the barograph this morning as +the needle had gone right off the paper at the bottom, and at first +glance I thought we had struck a tropical depression of the first +magnitude, which, flouting all the laws of meteorology, had somehow +found its way to the English Channel; but the engineer explained to me +that, as I have already stated, the low atmospheric pressure in the +boat was due to the conning-tower hatch being shut down. + +[Illustration: "As the dim lights on the mole disappeared, the +ceaseless fountain of starshells mingling with the flashing of guns, +rose inland on our port beam."] + +[Illustration: "We hit her aft for the second time."] + +I have discovered that Von Weissman is a martyr to sea-sickness--all +day he has been lying down as white as a sheet and subsisting on milk +tablets and sips of brandy; yet such is the man's inflexibility of will +that he forces himself to make a tour of inspection right round the +boat every six hours, night and day. It is this will to conquer which +has made Germans unconquerable, though "Come the four corners of the +world in arms" against us, as the great poet says. + +We are, of course, keeping watch from inside the conning tower; it is, +at all events, dry, but as to seeing anything one might as well be +looking out through a small glass window from inside a breakwater! To +bed till 4 a.m. + + * * * * * + +A most unprofitable day. I grudge every day away from Zoe on which we +do nothing. This morning about noon the gale blew itself out, but a +heavy confused sea continued to run. + +At 2 p.m. we saw a most tantalizing spectacle. A big tank steamer, +fully 600 feet long and of probably 17,000 tons burthen hove in sight, +escorted by two destroyers. To attack with the gun was impossible, as +we could only keep the conning tower open when stern to sea, and in any +case the two destroyers prevented any surface work. We tried to get in +for an attack, but we had not seen her in time, and the best we could +do was to get within 3,000 yards, at which range it would have been +absurd to have wasted a torpedo, the chances of hitting being 100 to 1 +against, even if the torpedo had run properly in the sea that was on. + +I had a good look at her through the foremost periscope in between the +waves, and it maddened me to see all that oil, doubtless from Tampico +for the Grand Fleet, going safely by. The destroyers were having a bad +time of it, crashing into the sea like porpoises, their funnels white +with salt, and their bridges enveloped in sheets of water and spray. +They little thought that, barely a mile away, amidst the tumbling, +crested waves a German eye was watching them! + +There is no doubt these damned British have pluck, for it was the last +sort of weather in which one would have expected to find destroyers at +sea, and yet I suppose they do this throughout the winter. + +After all, one would expect them to be tough fellows--they are of +Teutonic stock--though by their bearing one might imagine that the +Creator made an Englishman and then Adam. + +Let's hope we get some decent weather to-morrow. I have just been +refreshing my memory by reading of what I wrote in the book, concerning +the day in the forest with the adorable girl. There is an exquisite +pleasure in transporting the mind into such memories of the past when +the body is in such surroundings as the present, if only I could will +myself to dream of her! + + * * * * * + +A fine day in every sense of the word. The weather has been and remains +excellent, and I have been present at my first sinking. It was absurdly +commonplace. At 10 a.m. this morning a column of smoke crept upwards +from the southern horizon. + +Von Weissman steered towards it on the surface until two masts and the +top of a funnel appeared. We dived and proceeded slowly under water on +a southerly course. + +Half an hour passed and Von Weissman brought the boat up to periscope +depth and had a look. He called to me to come and see, an invitation I +accepted with alacrity. + +With natural excitement I looked through the periscope and there she +was, unconsciously ambling to her doom like a fat sheep. + +She was a steamer (British) of about 4,000 tons, slugging home at a +steady ten knots, but she was destined to come to her last mooring +place ahead of schedule time! + +We dipped our periscope and I went forward to the tubes. Five minutes +elapsed and the order instrument bell rang, the pointer flicking to +"Stand by." I personally removed the firing gear safety pin and put the +repeat to "Ready." A breathless pause, then a slight shake and +destruction was on its way, whilst I realized by the angle of the boat +that Weissman was taking us down a few metres. + +That shows his coolness, he didn't even trouble to watch his shot. + +Anxiously I watch the second hand of my stop watch. Weissman had told +me the range would be about 500 metres--30 seconds--31--32--33--has he +missed?--34--35--3--A dull rumble comes through the water and the +whole boat shakes. Hurra! we have hit, and the order "Surface" comes +along the voice pipe. + +The cheerful voice of the blower is heard, evacuating the tanks; I run +to the conning tower and closely follow Weissman up the ladder. At last +I am on the bridge. There she is! What a sight! + +I feel that I shall never forget what she looked like, though, if all +goes well, I shall see many another fine ship go to her grave. + +But she was my first; I felt the same sensation when, as a boy, I shot +my first roe-deer in the Black Forest, one instant a living thing +beautiful to perfection, the next my rifle spoke and a bleeding carcase +lay beneath the fine trees. So with this ship. I am a sailor, and to +every sailor every ship that floats has, as it were, a soul, a +personality, an entity; to carry the analogy further, a merchant craft +is like some fat beast of utility, an ox, a cow, or a sheep, whilst a +warship is a lion if she is a battleship, a leopard if she is a light +cruiser, etc.; in all cases worthy game. + +But War has little use for sentimentality! and in my usual wandering +manner I see that I have meandered from the point and quite forgotten +what she did look like. + +What I saw was this: + +I saw that the steamer had been hit forward on the starboard side. The +upper portion of the stem piece was almost down to the water level, her +foremost hold was obviously filling rapidly. Her stern was high out of +water, the red ensign of England flapping impotently on the ensign +staff. Her propeller, which was still slowly revolving, thrashed the +water, and this heightened the impression that I was watching the +struggles of a dying animal. The propeller was revolving in spasmodic +jerks, due, I imagine, to the fast failing steam only forcing the +cranks over their dead centres with an effort. + +A boat was being lowered with haste from the two davits abreast the +funnel on one side, but when she was full of men and, due to the angle +of the ship, well down by the bow, someone inboard let go the foremost +fall or else it broke, for the bows of the boat fell downwards and half +a dozen figures were projected in grotesque attitudes into the sea. For +a few seconds the boat swung backwards and forwards, like a pendulum. + +When she came to rest, hanging vertically downwards from the stern, I +noticed that a few men were still clinging like flies to her thwarts. +Truly, anything is better than the Atlantic in winter. Meanwhile the +ship had ceased to sink as far as outward signs went. + +I mentioned this to Von Weissman, who was at my side with a slight +smile on his face, amused doubtless at the eagerness with which I +watched every detail of this, to me, novel tragedy. He answered me that +I need not worry, that she was being supported by an air lock somewhere +forward, that the water was slowly creeping into her and her boilers +would probably soon go. + +This remarkable man was absolutely correct. + +There was an interval of about five minutes, during which another boat, +evidently successfully lowered from the other side, came round her +stern, picked up one or two men from the water and also collected the +survivors in the hanging boat; then the steamer suddenly sank another +two feet, there was a dull rumbling, as of heavy machinery falling from +a height, a muffled report, a cloud of steam and smoke, a sucking noise +and then a pool in the water, in the middle of which odd bits of wood +and other buoyant debris kept on bobbing up. Nothing else! + +No! I am wrong, there were two other things: a U-boat, representing the +might of Germany, and a whaler with perhaps twenty men in it, +representing the plight of England! + +As she went I felt hushed and solemn, it was an impressive moment; a +slight chuckle came from imperturbable Weissman; he had seen too many +go to think much of it, and he gave an order for the helm to be put +over, so that we might approach the whaler. + +They were horribly overcrowded, and were engaged in trying to sort +themselves into some sort of order. We passed by them at 50 yards and +Weissman, seizing his megaphone, shouted in English: "Goodbye! steer +west for America!" A cold horror gripped my heart. It was an awful +moment. I dare not write the thoughts that entered my head. + +I turned away my head and faced aft, that he should not see my face; +looking back I saw the whaler rocking dangerously in our wash, and then +a commotion took place in her stern, from which a huge bearded man +arose and, shaking his fist in our direction, shouted something or +other before his companions pulled him down. + +Von Weissman heard and his lips narrowed in. I held my breath in +suspense, but he evidently decided against what he had been about to +do, for with the order, "Course north! ten knots," he went below. + +I remained on deck watching the rapidly receding whaler through my +glasses until she was a mere speck--alone on the ocean, 150 miles from +land, Then the navigator came up, and with strangely mixed feelings of +exultant joy and depressing sorrow I went below. + +Von Weissman was in the wardroom. I watched him unobserved. He was +humming a tune to himself and had just completed putting a green dot on +the chart. This done he lay back on the settee and closed his +eyes--strange, insoluble man! + +For long hours I could not forget that whaler; I see it now as I write. +I suppose I shall get used to it all. What would Zoe say? + +The most wonderful thing about man is that he can stand the strain of +his own invention of modern war! + + * * * * * + +I am rather tired to-night, but must just jot down briefly what has +taken place to-day, as there is never any time in the daylight hours. + +Soon after dawn, at about 8 a.m., we sighted a fair-sized steamer of +about 3,000 tons, which we sunk, but I cannot say what she looked like, +or whether anyone escaped, as we never came to the surface at all, Von +Weissman sighting smoke on the western horizon just as he hit her. We +accordingly steered in that direction. However, I think she went almost +at once as Von Weissman put a dot (black) on the chart as we made +towards number 3. + +I very much wanted to know whether there were any survivors, but I did +not like to ask him at the time and he has been in such an infernal +temper ever since that I haven't had a suitable opportunity. + +The cause of his rage was as follows: + +Steamer number 3 turned out to be a fine fat chap (of the Clan Line, +Von Weissman said, when we first sighted her). We moved in to attack +and fired our port bow tube. I waited in vain by the tubes for the +expected explosion--nothing happened, but after a couple of minutes a +snarl came down the voice pipe: "Surface, GUN ACTION STATIONS!" + +I ran aft, and found the Captain white with rage. + +"Missed ahead!" he said, with intense feeling, "I'll have to use that +confounded gun." + +In about three minutes the Captain and myself were on the bridge and +the crew were at their stations round the gun. + +For the first time I saw the ship; she was stern on and apparently +painted with black and white stripes. As I examined her through +glasses--she was distant about 3,000 yards--I saw a flash aboard her +and a few seconds later a projectile moaned overhead and fell about +6,000 yards over. So she is armed, thought I, and she has actually +opened fire on us first. + +The effect of this unexpected retort on the part of the Englishman was +to throw Weissman into a paroxysm of rage. + +"Why don't you fire? What the devil are you waiting for?" etc., etc., +were some of the remarks he flung at the gun crew. + +I did not consider it advisable to mention to him that they were +probably waiting his order to fire, and also his orders for range and +deflection, as I had imagined that, here as everywhere else, an officer +controls the gun-fire. Apparently in this boat it is not so, as +Weissman takes so little interest in his gun that he affects to be, or +else actually is, ignorant of the elements of gun control. + +At any rate, under the lash of his tongue, the gun's crew soon got into +action, the gun-layer taking charge. Our first shot was short, very +considerably so, as was also the second. Meanwhile the steamer had been +keeping up a very creditably controlled rate of fire, straddling us +twice, but missing for deflection, as was natural considering that we +were bows on to her. + +I felt thoroughly in my element listening to the significant wail of +the enemy's shell, punctuated by the ear-splitting report of our own +gun. Weissman, gripping the rail with both hands, and to my surprise +ducking when one went overhead, watched the target with a fixed +expression, but made no attempt to control our gun-fire, which was far +from creditable, as is inevitable when it is left to the mercy of the +inferior intellect of a seaman. + +However, at the tenth or eleventh round we hit her in the upper works, +as was shown by a bright red and yellow flash near her funnel. This did +not check her firing or speed in the least, in fact she seemed to be +gaining on us. She also began to zigzag slightly and throw smoke bombs +overboard, which were not so effective from her point of view as I had +thought they would be. + +Matters were thus for some minutes. We had just hit her aft for the +second time, though the shooting was so disgustingly bad that I was +about to ask whether I might do the duties of control officer, when +there was a blinding flash and the air seemed filled with moaning +fragments. When I had recovered from my relief from finding that I was +personally uninjured, I observed that two of the gun's crew were +wounded and one was lying, either killed or seriously wounded, on the +casing. We had been hit in the casing, well forward, and, as was +subsequently proved when we dived, little material damage was caused to +the boat. + +This enemy success caused a temporary cessation of fire. The two +wounded men were cautiously making their way aft to the conning tower, +and I called for a couple of stokers to come up and carry away the +third, when Von Weissman suddenly gave the order to dive. The gun's +crew at once made a rush for the conning tower, and were down the hatch +in a trice, one of the wounded men fainting at the bottom. + +I was unaware as to the reason of this order to dive, and thought that +perhaps the Captain had sighted a periscope. As I was turning to +precede him down the conning tower hatch I distinctly saw the man lying +by the gun lift his hand. I felt I could not leave him there, and +instinctively cried, "He is still alive!" But Von Weissman, who was +urging the crew to hurry down the hatch, pressed the diving alarm as +soon as the last sailor was half in the hatch. + +I knew that this meant that the boat would be under in 30 to 40 +seconds, so I had no alternative but to get down the hatch as quickly +as possible. + +I did so with reluctance, and I was followed by Von Weissman, who +joined me in the upper conning tower. + +I forced myself not to look out of the conning tower scuttles during +the few seconds that elapsed as the casing slowly went under, until at +last nothing but waving green water showed at each little window. I +feared that, if I had looked, I would have seen a wounded man, stung +into activity by the cold touch of the Atlantic. Perhaps Von Weissman +read my thoughts, or else he remembered my remark concerning the man, +for he turned to me and in level tones said: + +"Have you any doubt that he was dead?" + +I hesitated a moment, and he continued: + +"By my direction you have no doubt. He _was_!" + +How brutal war is, and what a perfect exponent of the art the Captain +proves himself to be! To me a life is a life, a particle of the thing +divine; to him a life is a unit, and a half-maimed and probably dying +seaman is as nothing in the scales when the safety of a U-boat is at +stake. The seamen are numbered in their tens of thousands, the U-boats +in their tens. The steamer had hit us once, luckily only in the casing, +a second hit might well have punctured the pressure hull, and our fate +in these waters would have been certain. Therefore, having summed these +things up and balanced them in his mind, he dived and the sailor died. + +Once below water Von Weissman seemed more his imperturbable self, and +unless I am mistaken he is never really happy on the surface, at least +when in action. He is a true water mole. + + * * * * * + +A day full of interest, though once again I have had to force myself to +absorb the horrors of War. I imagine that I am now going through the +experiences of a new arrival on the Western Front, who feels a desire +to shudder at the sight of every corpse. + +At 10 a.m. this morning we sighted the topsails of a sailing boat to +the southwest. Closing her on the surface, we approached to within +about 6,000 metres, when suddenly Von Weissman ordered "Gun Action +Stations." + +The gun crew came tumbling up, but not quick enough to suit him, for as +they were mustering at the gun he gave the order to dive, only, +however, taking her down to periscope depth before instantly ordering +surface and then "Gun Action Stations" again. This time we opened fire +on the ship, which was a Norwegian barque and, being in the barred +zone, liable to destruction. + +Von Weissman had announced overnight that at the first opportunity he +would give "that ---- gun's crew a bellyful of practice," and he +certainly did. As soon as the first shot was fired, she backed her +topsails, and when our fourth shot struck her, somewhere near the foot +of the foremast, her crew could be seen hastily abandoning their ship. + +This action on their part had no influence with Von Weissman, who had +taken personal charge of the helm, and, with the engines running at +three-quarter speed, he was zigzagging about, to make it harder for the +gun's crew. Every now and then he flung a gibe at the crew, such as +suggesting that they should go back to the High Seas Fleet and learn +how to shoot. + +The sailing ship was soon on fire, for, considering the circumstances, +the shooting was very fair, though had I been controlling it I could +have confidently guaranteed better results. When she was blazing nicely +fore and aft, Von Weissman ordered the practice to cease, and sent the +crew below. He then ordered course south, speed ten knots, and I took +over the watch. + +An hour and a half later, when the navigator gave me a spell, a black +cloud on the northern horizon marked the funeral pyre of another of our +victims. When I went below, the Captain had just finished playing with +his precious old chart. + + * * * * * + +We received a message at 2 a.m. last night from Heligoland to return +forthwith; it is now 2 a.m. and we are approaching the redoubtable +Dover Barrage. We had no trouble coming up channel to-day, which seems +singularly empty, at any rate in mid-channel, where we were. + + * * * * * + +We got back about three hours ago, and as I was appointed temporary to +the boat, Von Weissman kindly allowed me to leave her and come up to +Bruges as soon as we got into the shelters at Zeebrugge. + +I got up here just, in time for a late dinner. Hunger satisfied, I +retired to my room and, needless to say, at once rang up my darling +Zoe. + +By the mercy of providence she was in, but imagine my sensations when I +heard that that accursed swine of a Colonel was also back from the +front, and expected in at the flat at any moment, being then, she +thought, engaged in his after dinner drinking bouts at the cavalry +officers' club. I could only groan. + +A laugh at the other end stung me to furious rage, appeased in an +instant by her soothing tones as she told me that I should be glad to +hear that he was only up from the Somme on a four-days leave, and was +returning next morning by the 8 a.m. troop train. Glad! I could have +danced for joy. I breathed again. + +As the Colonel was expected back at any moment she thought it advisable +to terminate the conversation, which was done with obvious reluctance +on her part, or so I flatter myself. + +He goes to-morrow, so far so good, but what of the intervening period? + +Could any more refined torture be imagined than that I, who love her as +I love my own soul, should have to sit here, whilst scarcely a mile +away, probably at this very moment as I write, that gross brute is +privileged to kiss her, to look at her, to--oh! it's unbearable. When I +think of that hog, for though I've never seen him, I've seen his +photograph, and I know instinctively that he _is_ gross, fresh, as she +says, from a drinking bout, should at this moment be permitted to raise +his pigs' eyes and look into those glorious wells of violet light; when +I think that his is the privilege to see those masses of black hair +fall in uncontrolled splendour, then I understand to the full the deep +pleasures of murder. + +I would give anything to destroy this man, and could shake the +Englishman by the hand who fires the delivering bullet! + +Steady! Steady! What do I write? No! I mean it, every word of it. Yet +of all the mysteries, and to me Zoe is a mass of them, surely the +strangest of all is contained in the question: Why does she live with +him? + +She doesn't love him, she's practically told me so. In fact, I know she +doesn't. Let me reason it out by logic. She lives with him, whether +voluntarily or involuntarily. Suppose it be voluntarily, then her +reasons must be (a) Love; (b) Fascination; (c) Some secret reason. If +she is living with him involuntarily it must be: (d) He has a hold on +her; (e) For financial reasons. + +I strike out at once (a) and (e), for in the case of (e) she knows well +that I would provide for her, and (a) I refuse to admit, (b) is hardly +credible--I eliminate that. I am left with (c) and (d) which might be +the same thing. But what hold can he have on her; she can't have a +past, she is too young and sweet for that. + +I must find out about this before I go to sea again. + + * * * * * + +Three days ago, I was racking my brains for the solution of a problem, +and, as I see from what I wrote, I was somewhat outside myself. In the +interval things have taken an amazing turn. I am still bewildered--but +I must put it all down from the beginning. + +The Colonel left as she said he would, and I went round to lunch with +her. + +We had a delightful _tete-a-tete_, and after lunch she played the +piano. I was feeling in splendid voice and she accompanied me to +perfection in Tchaikowsky's "To the Forest," always a favourite of +mine. As the last chords died away, Zoe jumped up from the piano and, +with eyes dancing with excitement, placed her hands on my shoulders and +exclaimed: + +"Karl! I have an idea! I shall make a prisoner of you for two or three +days." + +I laughed heartily and almost told her that she had already made me a +prisoner for life, only I can never get those sort of remarks out quick +enough. + +But when she said, "No! I am not joking, I mean it," I felt there was +more meaning in her sentence than I had at first thought. I begged to +be enlightened, and she then unfolded her scheme. + +She told me for the first time, that in a forest not far from Bruges +she had a little summer-house, to which she used to retreat for +week-ends in the hot weather when the Colonel was away. He knew nothing +of this country house (she was very insistent on that point), so I +imagined she paid for it out of her dress allowance or in some other +way. The idea that had just struck her was that she had a sudden fancy +to go and spend two days there, and I was to go with her. + +I was ready to go to Africa with her if my leave permitted, and it so +happened that I was due for four days' overseas leave (limited to +Belgian territory) so that this fitted in very well, and I told her so. + +She was delighted, then, with one of those quick intuitions which women +are so clever at, she read the half-formed thought in my mind, and +said: "You mustn't think it's not going to be conventional; old Babette +will be with us to chaperon me." Old Babette is an aged female whom she +calls her maid. I think she is jealous of me. + +I agreed at once that of course I quite understood it was to be highly +conventional, etc., though I smiled to myself as I visualized my +mother's shocked face and uplifted hands had she heard my Zoe's ideas +on the conventions. + +I was trying to fathom what was at the bottom of it all when she +remarked: "Of course, as my prisoner you will have to obey all my +orders." + +I replied that this was certainly so. + +"And one of the first things," she continued, "that happens to a +prisoner when he goes through the enemy lines is that he is +blindfolded, and in the same way I shan't let you know where you are +going." + +Seeing a doubtful look in my eyes as I endeavoured to keep pace with +the underlying idea, if any, of this truly feminine fancy, she suddenly +came up to me and, lifting her eyes to mine, murmured: "Don't you trust +me?" + +In a moment my passion flared up, and rained hot kisses on her face as +she struggled to release herself from my arms. + +When I left that night after dinner, and, walking on air, returned to +the Mess, it was arranged that I should be at her flat with my +suit-case at 6 p.m. the next evening, prepared, to use her own words, +"to disappear with me for 48 hours." + +She had told me of an address in Bruges which she said would forward on +any telegram if I was recalled, and I had to be satisfied with that, +for I may as well say here that I never discovered where I went to, and +I don't know to this moment in what part of Belgium I spent the last +two nights. + +I tried to find out at first, but as she obviously attached some +importance to keeping the locality of her woodland retreat a secret, +probably to circumvent the Colonel, I soon gave up trying to get the +secret from her, and contented myself with taking things as they came. + +To go on with my account of what happened--which was really so +remarkable that I propose writing it out in detail to the best of my +memory--at 6 p.m. next day I was naturally at her flat feeling very +much as if I was on the threshold of an adventure. + +Zoe was excited and the flat was in a turmoil, as apparently she had +only just begun to pack her dressing-case. + +Soon after six we went down and got into a large Mercedes car which I +had noticed standing outside when I arrived. We were soon on our way, +and left Bruges by the Eastern barrier; we showed our passes and +proceeded into the darkened country-side. We had been running for about +a mile when she remarked, "Prisoners will now be blindfolded!" and, to +my astonishment, slipped a little black silk bag over my head. + +I was so startled I didn't know whether to be angry, or to laugh, or +what to do. Eventually I did nothing, and, entering into the spirit of +the game, declared that even a wretched prisoner had the right not to +be stifled, whereupon she lifted the lower portion of the bag and +uncovered my mouth. Shortly afterwards I was electrified to feel a pair +of soft lips meet mine, a sensation which was repeated at frequent +intervals, and, as I whispered in her ear, under these conditions I was +prepared to be taken prisoner into the jaws of hell. + +This pleasant journey had lasted for about three-quarters of an hour +when my mask was removed and I was informed that I was "inside the +enemy lines!" Through the windows of the car I could dimly see that an +apparently endless mass of fir trees were rushing past on each side. +This state of affairs continued for a kilometre or so, when we branched +to the right and soon entered a large clearing in the forest, at one +side of which stood the house. Babette, Zoe and myself entered the +building, and the car disappeared, presumably back to Bruges. + +The house, built of logs, was of two stories; on the ground floor were +two living rooms, and the domains of Babette, who amongst her other +accomplishments turned out to be not only a most capable valet, but a +first-class cook. On the second story there were two large rooms. The +whole house was furnished after the manner of a hunting lodge, with +stags' heads on the walls, and skins on the floors. In the drawing-room +there was a piano and a few etchings of the wild boar by Schaffein. + +I dressed for dinner in my "smoking," though under ordinary +circumstances I should have considered this rather formal, but I was +glad I did, for she appeared in full evening _tenue_. She wore a violet +gown, and across her forehead a black satin bandeau with a Z in +diamonds upon it. It must have cost two thousand marks, and I wondered +with a dull kind of jealousy whether the Colonel had given it to her. + +I cannot remember of what we talked during dinner. We have a hundred +subjects in common, and we look at so many aspects of the world through +the same pair of eyes; I only know that when I have been talking to her +for a period--there is no exact measurement of time for me when I am +with her--I leave her presence feeling "completed." I feel that a sort +of gap within my being has been filled, that a spiritual hunger has +been satisfied, that I have got something which I wanted, but for which +I could not have formulated the desire in words. I had resolved that on +this first night I would bring matters between us to a head and end +this delicious but intolerable uncertainty as to how we stood; yet, +when old Babette had served us with coffee in the drawing-room, as I +call the second living-room, and we were alone together, I could not +bring up the subject. Partly because I think she prevented me so doing +by that skilful shepherding of the conversation into other paths with +an artfulness with which God endows all women, and also partly because +I could not screw myself up to the pitch. I could not, or rather would +not, put my fate to the touch. I had a presentiment that in reaching +for the summit I might fall from the slope. Alas! how true was this +foreboding in some senses--but I will keep all things in their right +order. + +[Illustration: "_The track met our ram_."] + +[Illustration: In the flash I caught a glimpse of his conning tower] + +Let it only be recorded that when she kissed me good-night (with the +tenderness of a mother) and left me to smoke a final cigar I had said +nothing, and I could only wonder at the strange fate that had placed me +practically alone with a girl whom I had grown to love with a deep +emotion, and who appeared to love me, yet often behaved as if I was her +brother. + +The next day we were like two children. The snow was deep on the +ground, and the fir trees stood like thousands of sentinels in grey +uniform round the clearing. Once during the afternoon, as with Zoe's +assistance I was furiously chopping wood for the fire, a droning noise +made me look up, and thousands of metres overhead a small squadron of +aeroplanes, evidently bound for the Western Front, sailed slowly across +the sky. I thought how awkward it would be for them if they experienced +an engine failure whilst over the forest, though they were up so high +that I imagine they could have glided ten kilometres, and as I think +(but I am not certain, and I have pledged myself not to try and find +out) we were in the Forest of Montellan, which is barely fifteen +kilometres broad, I suppose they could have fallen clear of the trees. + +As a matter of fact I imagine they would have used our clearing--I'm +glad they didn't. + +That night after dinner she played to me, first Beethoven and then +Chopin. I can see her as I write; she had just finished the 14th +Prelude and, resting her chin on her hand, she smiled mysteriously at +me. + +The hour had come, and, driven by strong impulses, I spoke. I told her +that I loved her as I had never thought that a man could love a woman; +I told her that I longed to shield her and protect her, and above all +things to remove her from the clutches of that bestial Colonel, and as +I bent over her and felt my senses swim in the subtleties of her +perfume, I begged her passionately to say the word that would give me +the right to fight the world on her behalf. + +When I had finished she was silent for a long while, and I can remember +distinctly that I wondered whether she could hear the thump! thump! +thump! of my heart, which to my agitated mind seemed to beat with the +strength of a hammer. + +At length she spoke; two words came slowly from her lips: + +"I cannot." + +I was not discouraged. I could see, I could feel, that a tremendous +struggle was raging, the outward signs of which were concealed by her +averted head. + +At length I asked her point-blank whether she loved me. Her silence +gave me my answer, and I took her unresisting body into my arms and +kissed her to distraction. Oh! these kisses, how bitter they seem to me +now, and yet how I long to hold her once again. For, freeing herself +from my embrace and speaking almost mechanically, she said: + +"Karl! I must tell you. I cannot marry you." + +I pleaded, I prayed, I argued, I demanded. It was in vain; I always +came up against the immovable "I cannot." + +And then I crashed over the precipice towards whose edge I had been +blindly going. I had said for the hundredth time, "But you know you +love me," when with a sob she abandoned all reserve, and, flinging her +arms round my neck, implored me to take her. Then, as I caught my +breath, she quickly said, as if frightened that she had gone too far, +"But I cannot marry you." + +I looked down into those beautiful eyes, and for the first time I +understood. For perhaps ten seconds I battled for my soul and the +purity of our love; then, tearing my sight from those eyes which would +lure an archangel to destruction, I was once more master of my body. As +my resolution grew, I hated her for doing this thing that had wrecked +in an instant the hopes of months, the ideals on which I had begun to +build afresh my life. + +She felt the change, and left me. + +As she went out by the door she gave me one last look, a look in which +love struggled with shame, a look which no man has ever earned the +right to receive from any woman. + +But I was as a statue of marble, dazed by this calamity. + +As the door closed upon her, I started forward--it was too late. + +Had she waited another instant--but there, I write of what has happened +and not what might have been. + +I did not sleep that night, until the dawn began to separate each fir +tree from the black mass of the forest. Twice in the night, with shame +I confess it, I opened my door and looked down the little passage-way; +and twice I closed the door and threw myself upon my bed in an agony of +torment. It was ten o'clock when a knock at the door aroused me, and +the sunlight through the window-pane was tracing patterns on the floor. + +There was a note on the breakfast table, but before I opened it I knew +that, save for Babette, I was alone in the house. + +The note was brief, unaddressed and unsigned. I have it here before me; +I have meant to tear it up but I cannot. It is a weakness to keep it, +but I have lost so much in the last few days, that I will not grudge +myself some small relic of what has been. The note says: + +"I am leaving for Bruges at half-past eight, when the car was ordered +to fetch us back. I go alone. Babette will give you breakfast. The car +will return for you at eleven o'clock. I rely on your honour in that +you will not observe where you have been. Come to me when you want +me--till then, farewell." + +It was as she said, and I honourably acceded to her request. This +afternoon just before lunch I arrived in Bruges, and since tea-time I +have tried to write down what has happened since I left the day before +yesterday. Oh! how could she do it, how can it be possible that she is +a woman like that? I could have sworn that she was not like this--and +yet how can I account for her life with the Colonel? There must be some +reason, but in Heaven's name, what? + +Meanwhile I am to go to her when I want her! And that will be when I +can give her my name. But oh! Zoe, I want you now, so badly, oh! so +badly! + + * * * * * + +I saw her once to-day in the gardens, walking by herself. + + * * * * * + +I have told Max's secretary that I want to get to sea; to be here in +Bruges and not to see her is more than I can bear. + +I sail at dawn to-morrow. Shall I see her? No, it is best not. + +A frightful noise over the New Year celebrations to-night. Champagne +flowing like water in the Mess. I feel the year 1917 opens badly for +me. + +Weissman also went to sea again for a short trip in the Channel, and +has not reported for five days. Perhaps he has despised the Dover +Barrage once too often. If this is so, it is a great loss to the +service: he was a man of iron resolution in underwater attack. + +I feel I ought to despise Zoe, but I can't. I love her too much; after +all, am I not perhaps encasing myself in the robe of a Pharisee? + +She offered me all she had, save only the one thing I asked, without +which I will take nothing. I cannot reconcile her behaviour with her +character; why can't she trust me? why can't she be frank with me? I +will not believe she is that sort. + +I feel I cannot go out again without a _sign_--I may not return, and I +will not leave her, perhaps for ever, with this bitterness between us. + + * * * * * + + +At sea in U.C.47 again. Alten as surly as ever. + +I decided finally to write to Zoe, but found it difficult to know what +to say. Eventually I said more than I had intended. I told her frankly +that I experienced a shock, but that I had not meant to seem so cold, +and that what I had done had been done for both our sakes. I told her +that I still loved her, and I implored her once more to leave the +Colonel and come to me as my wife. + +Already I long to know what message awaits me on my return. + +This will not be for three days. We left at dawn this morning to lay +mines off the channel to Harwich harbour; a nest from which submarines, +cruisers and destroyers buzz in and out like wasps. It will be ticklish +work. + + + + +_On the bottom_. + + +Our mines are still with us, but so are our lives, which is something. + +We were approaching the appointed spot at 6 a.m. this morning, when +without the slightest warning the track of a torpedo was seen streaking +towards us about 50 yards on the starboard bow. + +Before Alten (who was on the bridge with me) could do more than press +the diving alarm, the track met our ram. I breathed again, and was then +reminded by an oath from Alten that the boat was diving. + +It was evident that we had only been saved by the torpedo running deep +under the cut-away part of our bow, otherwise!--well, the tangle of my +affairs would have been easily straightened. + +Further procedure on the surface was suicidal, and we kept hydrophone +patrol, twice hearing the motors of the enemy submarine. At the moment +we are on the bottom waiting to come up and charge to-night, and lay +our mines at dawn to-morrow. + + * * * * * + +On the bottom in 28 metres and feeling none too comfortable, as there +would appear to be about a dozen destroyers overhead. + +Last night, or rather early this morning, I participated in one of the +most extraordinary incidents that I have ever heard of. + +It was pitch-black dark when I took over at 4 a.m., and a fresh breeze +had raised a lumpy sea, which covered the bridge with spray. We were +charging 400 amps on each, with the intention of laying one mine +directly there was sufficient light to get a fix from some of the buoys +which the English stick down all over the place here in the most +convenient manner possible. If only one could believe they never +shifted them. Alten says it never occurs to an Englishman to do a thing +like that, but I'm not so sure. However, we were proceeding along at +about five knots, crashing into the sea rather badly, when out of the +black beastliness of the night I saw a shape close aboard on the port +hand. + +As I hesitated for a second as to my course of action, I was astounded +to see a large submarine which must have been British, on an opposite +course, not more than 25 metres away! + +This sounds absurd, but it really wasn't further. I'm not ashamed to +confess that I was completely disorganized; it did not seem possible +that the enemy was literally alongside me. + +I don't know how it struck the officer in the British boat, but I must +give him credit for doing something first, for he fired a Very's white +light straight at me as the two boats passed. It impinged on the hull, +and in the flash I caught a photographic glimpse of his conning tower, +on which was painted the letter E, followed by two numbers, of which +one was a two I think, and the other a nine. + +By this time he was on my port quarter and rapidly disappearing; in a +frenzy of rage I managed to get my revolver out, and whilst with the +left hand I pressed the diving alarm, with the right hand I emptied the +magazine in his direction. When we were down, Alten practically +refused to believe me, which made me very pleased that in descending I +had trod on a pair of hands which turned out to be his, as he had +started up the ladder to the upper conning tower when he first heard +the alarm. + +I presume our opponent dived as well, but evidently he had put two and +two together and used his aerial at some period, for when at dawn we +poked a periscope up, a flotilla of destroyers appeared to be looking +for something, which "something" was us, unless I am much mistaken; so +we bottomed, where we have been ever since. The Hydroplane Operator +keeps up a monotonous sing-song to the effect that "Fast running +propellers are either receding or approaching." The crew are collected +round the mine-tubes as I write, and are singing a lugubrious song, the +refrain of which runs: + + "Death for the Fatherland! Glorious fate, + This is the end that we gladly await." + +Why will the seamen always become morbid when possible? And there is +not a man amongst them who is not inwardly thinking of some beer-hall +in Bruges, though I suppose that like their betters they have their +romances of a tenderer kind. + + * * * * * + +The boat has been rolling about on the bottom in the most sickening +manner the whole afternoon. We flooded P and Q to capacity, which gave +her 50 tons negative, but it seems to have little effect in steadying +her, and it is evident that a really heavy gale is running on top. + + * * * * * + +Surfaced at 10 p.m.; a very heavy sea running and impossible to do much +more than heave to. This weather has one point in its favour and that +is that the destroyers are driven in. + +It got steadily worse all night, and at midnight we lost our foremost +wireless mast overboard; we have now (10 a.m.) been 48 hours without +communication. At dawn we could see nothing to fix by; not a buoy in +sight, nothing but an expanse of foam-topped short steep waves of dirty +neutral-tinted water; how different to the great green and white surges +of the broad Atlantic. + +Under these circumstances Alten decided to risk it and return without +laying our mines; for once in a way I agreed with him, as it is better +not to lay a minefield at all than dump one down in some unknown +position which one may have to traverse oneself in the course of a +month or so. We are now slowly, very slowly, struggling back to +Zeebrugge. + +A green sea came down the conning tower to-day, and everything in the +boat is damp and smelly and beastly. The propellers race at frequent +intervals and the whole boat shudders--I feel miserable. + +Alten has started to drink spirits; he began as soon as we decided to +go back. He will be incapable by to-night, and it means that I shall +have to take her in. + +What hell this is, sitting in sodden clothes, with the stench of four +days' living assaulting the nostrils, and a motion of the devil; the +glass is very low and is slowly rising, so that I suppose it will blow +harder soon, though it is about force eight at present. + +I wonder what Zoe will have written in reply to my note. When I think +of what I rejected and compare it with my beast-like existence here, I +can hardly believe that I behaved as I did--what would I not give now +to be transported back to the forest! At this rate of progress we shall +take another 24 hours. I wonder if I can knock another half-knot out of +her without smashing her up. + + * * * * * + +The extraordinarily violent motion has upset the _Anschutz_. [1] The +bearing cone of the stabilizing gyro has cracked, and the master +compass began to wander off in circles. I was just resting for an hour +or two, wedged up on a wet settee with coats equally wet, when her +heavy pitching changed to a wallowing roll, and I heard the pilot, who +was on watch, cursing down the voice-pipe, as we had sagged off our +course. + +[Footnote 1: Gyroscopic compass.--ETIENNE.] + +I heard the voice of the helmsman querulously maintain that he was +steering his course by _Anschutz_, so I got up and gingerly clawed my +way into the control room, where I found by comparing _Anschutz_ with +magnetic that the former had gone to hell, the reason being obvious, as +the stabilizer was exerting a strongly biased torque. I stopped the +_Anschutz_ and asked the pilot to give the helmsman a steady by +magnetic. + +As we staggered back to our course I heard a thud in the wardroom, and +on returning to my settee found that Alten had rolled out of his bunk, +where he was lying in a drunken stupor, and that he was face downwards, +sprawling on the deck, half his face in the broken half of a dirty dish +which had fallen off the table whilst I was having tea. As I couldn't +let the crew see him like this, I was obliged to struggle and get him +back into his bunk. He was like a log and absolutely incapable of +rendering me any assistance, though he did open his eyes and mutter +once or twice as I lifted him up, trunk first and then his legs. He +stank of spirits and I hated touching him. Lord! what a truly hoggish +man he is; yet I cannot help envying him his oblivion to these +surroundings. + + * * * * * + + + +Arrived in, this afternoon. + + +Alten quite slept off his drink, and was offensively sarcastic as I +worked on the forepart with wires, getting her into the shelters +alongside the mole. + +I hastened up to Bruges, and in the Mess heard several items of news +and found two letters. The first, in a well-known handwriting, I opened +eagerly, but received a chill of disappointment when I read its single +line. + +"I am here when you want me.--Z." + +So she thinks to break my resolution! + +No! I am stronger than she, and, now that I know she loves me, I can +and will bend her to my will. Even now, at this distance of time, I can +hardly understand my conduct the other day. I must have been given the +strength of ten. I feel that I could not do it again; had she hesitated +a second longer at the door--well, I can hardly say what I would have +done. + +It is my duty to do so, for her sake and my own. But I know my +weakness, and in this fact lies my strength. Cost what it may, I shall +not permit myself to go near her until she yields. + +The second letter gave me a great surprise. It was from Rosa. She has +passed some examination, and is coming _here_ of all places as a Red +Cross nurse. She says she is looking forward to going round a U-boat! +She assumes a good deal, I must say, still, I suppose I must be polite +to her; but why the deuce does she sign herself "Yours, Rosa?" She's +not mine, and I don't want her; it seems funny to me that I once +thought of her vaguely in that sort of way. Now, I feel rather +disturbed that she is coming here, though I don't quite see why I +should worry, and yet I wonder if it is a coincidence her coming to +Bruges? + +I'm almost inclined to think it isn't. After all, every girl wants to +get married, and without conceit my family, circumstances and, in the +privacy of the pages of this journal I may add, my personal +appearances, are such as would appeal to most girls--except Zoe, +apparently! + +I'll have to be on my guard against Miss Rosa. + +I heard to-day that I am likely to be appointed to the periscope school +in a few weeks' time, and meanwhile I am to be attached as +supernumerary to the operations division on old Max's staff. + + * * * * * + +The work here is most interesting. I feel glad that I am one of the +spiders weaving the web for Britain's destruction. + +The impasse with Zoe still continues, and my peace of mind has been +still further disturbed by the actual arrival of Rosa. She rang me up +within twelve hours of her arrival, and, of course, I was obliged to +call. That was the day before yesterday. Rosa is at the No. 3 Hospital +here, and was horribly effusive. Some people would, I suppose, call her +good-looking, but to me, with my mind's-eye in perpetual contemplation +of my darling Zoe, Rosa looked like a turnip. Her first movement after +the preliminary greetings was to offer me a cigarette! I then noticed +that her fingers were stained with nicotine, unpleasant in a man, +disgusting in a woman. + +Her nose was shiny and greasy--horrible. After a little talk she +volunteered the statement that yesterday was her afternoon off, and she +was simply longing to have tea in the gardens. + +I endeavoured to make some feeble excuse on the grounds of the weather +being unsuitable, but I am no good at these social lies, and I was +eventually obliged to promise to take her there. I was the more annoyed +in that her main object was obviously to be seen walking with a U-boat +officer. + +Accordingly, yesterday, I found myself walking about with her at my +side. My feelings can better be imagined than described when I suddenly +saw Zoe, accompanied by Babette, in the distance. I hastily altered +course, and pray she didn't see me. + +In the course of the afternoon Rosa had the impertinence to say that at +Frankfurt they were saying that I was interested in a beautiful widow +at Bruges, and could she (Rosa) write and say I was heart-whole, or +else what the girl was like. I'm afraid that I lost my temper a little, +and I told Rosa she could write to all the busybodies at home and tell +them from me to go to the devil. + +These women in the home circle, and especially aunts, are always the +same; firstly, they badger one to get married, and then if they think +one is contemplating such a step they are all agog to find out whether +she is suitable! + + * * * * * + +Three more boats, two of which are U.C.'s, are overdue. It is +distinctly unpleasant not knowing how or where they go, though the U.B. +boat (Friederich Althofen) made her incoming position the day before +yesterday as off Dungeness, so it looks as if the barrage at Dover +which got Weissman has got Althofen as well. I wonder what new devilry +they have put down there. + +How one wishes that in 1914, instead of seeking the capture of Paris, +we had realized the importance of the Channel Ports to England, and +struck for them! + +It would not have been necessary to strike even in September, 1914. We +could have walked into them. Dunkirk, at all events, should have been +ours; however, we must do the best with things as they are, not that I +would consider it too late even now to make a big push for the French +coast. + +It would seem, as a matter of fact, that all the pushing is to be at +the other end of the line, in the Verdun sector, from the rumours I +hear, though I should have thought once bitten twice shy in that +quarter. + + * * * * * + +Saw Zoe again in the distance, and I think she saw me; at all events +she turned round and walked away. + +This girl whom I cannot, and would not if I could, obliterate from my +thoughts, is causing me much worry. + +She shows no sign of giving in, and I for one intend to be adamant. I +shall defeat her in time. The male intellect is always ultimately +victorious, other things being equal. I was reading Schopenhauer on the +subject last night. What a brain that man had, though I confess his +analysis of the female mentality is so terribly and truthfully cruel +that it jars on certain of my feelings. + +Zoe's resolution in this conflict, this sex war one might call it, only +adds to her charm in my eyes; she is, I feel, a worthy mate for me, +both intellectually and physically, and she shall be mine--I have +decided it. + +Met Rosa to-day at old Max's house, where I went to pay a duty call. + +Her Excellency is as forbidding a specimen of her sex as any I have +ever met. She quite frightened me, and in the home circle the old man +seemed quite subdued. + +I escorted Rosa home, and on the way to her hospital she gave me a +great surprise, as after much evasive talk she suddenly came out with +the news that she was engaged to Heinrich Baumer, of U.C.23. I was +quite taken aback, and will frankly confess that not so very long ago I +imagined, evidently erroneously, that she was disposed to let her +affections become engaged in another quarter. However, I was really +very glad to hear this news, and congratulated her with genuine +feeling. + +The knowledge that she was a promised woman quite altered my feelings +towards her, and before I quite meant to, I had told her a considerable +amount about Zoe. It gave me much relief to be able to unburden myself, +and confide my difficulties elsewhere than in the pages of this +journal. + +I have asked the girl to tea to-morrow. + + * * * * * + +A vile air raid last night. British machines, of course. They seemed +determined to get over the town, and from 1 a.m. to 3 a.m. relays of +machines (of which not _one_ was shot down) attacked us. The din was +tremendous, and all sleep was out of the question. + +Morning revealed surprisingly little damage, as is often the case in +these big raids, whereas a few bombs from a chance machine often work +havoc. I was down at 50 B.C. aerodrome this morning, and heard that as +soon as the moon suits we are going to make Dunkirk sit up as +retaliation for last night's efforts. There were also rumours of big +attacks impending on London as soon as the new type of Gothas are +delivered. That will shake the smug security of those cursed islanders. + +Rosa came to tea, and afterwards I told her more about Zoe, and as I +expect any day to be appointed to the periscope school at Kiel, I asked +Rosa to try and effect an introduction to Zoe, and do what she could +for me. Rosa gave me the impression that she was somewhat surprised +that I should have had any difficulty with Zoe (of course I had not +told her of the shooting-box scene). Rosa evidently thinks any woman +ought to be honoured.... + +Perhaps I was not so far wrong in my surmises as to Rosa's previous +inclinations--I wonder; at any rate she will undoubtedly make Baumer a +good wife, and she will probably be very fruitful and grow still fatter +and housewifely. She is of a type of woman appointed by God in his +foresight as breeders. Zoe, my adorable one, will probably not take +kindly to babies. + + * * * * * + +I am ordered to report myself at Kiel by next Monday. + +I am terribly tempted to ring up Zoe on the telephone before I leave: +it seems dreadful to leave her without a word; but at the same time I +feel that she would interpret this as a sign of weakness on my part--as +indeed it would be. I must be firm, for strength of mind pays with +women, even more than with men. + + + + +_At Kiel_. + + +I left Bruges without a word either to or from my obstinate darling. + +It is torture being away from her. I had thought that when I was here +and not exposed to the temptation of going round and seeing her, that +it would be easier; it is not. I long to write, and how I wonder +whether she is feeling it as I do. + +I have read somewhere that a woman's passion once aroused is more +ungovernable than a man's. That her whole being cries aloud for me +cannot be doubted, and if the above statement is true what +inflexibility of will she must be showing--it almost makes me fear--but +no, I will defeat her in this strange contest, and she shall be my +wife. + +The work here is strenuous, and the grass does not grow under one's +feet. The course for commanding officers lasts four weeks, and +terminates in an exceedingly practical but rather fearsome test--i.e., +they have six steamers here camouflaged after the English fashion with +dazzle painting, and these six steamers, protected by launches and +harbour defence craft, steam across Kiel Bay in the manner of a convoy. +The officer being examined has to attack this group of ships in one of +the instructional submarines, and in three attacks he must score at +least two hits, or else, in theory, he is returned to general service +in the Fleet. + +Fortunately at the moment I hear that owing to recent losses they are +distinctly on the short side where submarine officers are concerned, so +they'll probably make it easy when I do my test. + + * * * * * + +I see I have written nothing here for a fortnight; this is due to two +causes: Firstly, I have been so extraordinarily busy, and, secondly, I +have been most depressed through a letter I received from Fritz. It +contained two items of bad news. + +In the first place, I heard for the first time of the tragedy of +Heinrich Baumer's boat, and to my astonishment Fritz tells me that Rosa +and another girl were in her when she was lost! + +It appears that she was to go out for a couple of hours' diving off the +port as a matter of routine after her two months' overhaul. She went +out at 10 a.m., and was sighted from the signal station at the end of +the mole at 11.30, when almost immediately afterwards there was an +explosion and she disappeared. Motor-boats were quickly on the scene, +but only debris came to the surface. Divers were sent down, and +reported that she was in ten metres of water completely shattered. It +is assumed, for lack of other explanation, that she struck a chance +drifting mine which was moving down the coast on the tide. + +Meanwhile Rosa and another sister were missing from the hospital, and +after forty-eight hours someone put two and two together and started +investigations. It has been ascertained that Baumer motored down from +Bruges after breakfast, and that in the car were two figures taken to +be sailors, as they were muffled up in oilskins. This fact was noted by +the control sentries, as, though the day was showery, it was not +raining hard. Other scraps of evidence unite in showing that these were +the two girls who had apparently induced Baumer to take them out for a +dive as a treat. + +What a tragedy! However, it must have been quite instantaneous. Poor +Rosa, with all her vanities about war work, to think that the war would +claim her like that! [1] + +[Footnote 1: It is known that a boat with women on board was lost +whilst exercising off Zeebrugge in the Spring of 1917. This would +appear to be the boat in question.--ETIENNE.] + +Fritz added that old Max is almost off his head with rage over the +whole business, and it is difficult to say whether he is more angry +over Baumer and the boat being lost, or over the fact that Baumer being +dead he is unable to administer those "disciplinary actions" in which +he delights. + + * * * * * + +Great excitement here, as the day after to-morrow His Imperial Majesty +the Kaiser and Hindenburg are due to pay Kiel a surprise visit. We are +to be inspected and addressed. Tremendous preparations are going on. + + * * * * * + +His Majesty, accompanied by the great Field-Marshal, inspected us this +morning, and made a fine speech, of which we have been given printed +copies. I shall frame mine and hang it in my boat, if I get a command. + +I transcribe it: + +"Officers and men of the U-boat service: + +"In the midst of the anxious moments in which we live I have determined +to make time to come and witness in my own person the labours of those +on whom I and the Fatherland rely. Fresh from the great battles on the +West which are gnawing at the vitals of our hereditary enemies, I come +to those whose glorious mission it will be to strike relentlessly at +our most deadly and cunning enemy--cursed Britain. God is on our side +and will protect you at sea for, in the striking at the nation which +openly boasts that it aims at starving our women and children, you are +engaged on a mission of undoubted holiness. + +"You must sink and destroy even as of old the Israelites smote and +destroyed the alien races. + +"To the officers I would particularly say, my person is your honour, +and I am your supreme chief. From my hands you will receive honour, and +from my hands will proceed just punishment for the unhappy ones who +fail in their duty. + +"To the men I would say, trust and obey your officers as you would your +God. Officers and men! In you, your Kaiser and Fatherland place their +trust--let neither be disappointed!" + +After his address, His Majesty graciously spoke a few words to +individuals, of whom I had the signal honour of being one. I felt that +I was in the presence of an Emperor. His gestures, his eyes, his voice, +impressed me as belonging to a man born to command and to fill high +places. The Field-Marshal never opened his mouth. I understand from his +A.D.C. that he rarely speaks in public. + + * * * * * + +The Colonel is KILLED! When I think about it, I am so excited I can +hardly write! + +I heard the great news last night, quite by accident. I was sitting in +the Mess after dinner, and picked up _Die Woche_, and glancing at the +pictures, I suddenly saw the portrait of Colonel Stein, of the +Brandenburgers, killed on the 7th instant near Ypres. I recognized the +ugly and bloated face immediately from the photograph of him which she +had once shown me. + +My first impulse was to send her a wire, but, on thinking matters over, +I decided that it would be difficult to put all my thoughts into the +curt sentences of a telegram, and, further, that as all wires are +doubtless examined at the Main Post Office at Bruges, it might lead to +trouble, so I wrote her a letter. + +This, in a way, has been an exhibition of weakness on my part, as I had +promised myself that I would not take the first step in reopening +communication; but I feel that the fortunate death of Stein has +completely altered the case. I told her in the letter that I realized +that I had made mistakes, but that if she still loved me with half the +strength that I loved her, then a telegram to me would make me the +happiest of men. + +I wrote that yesterday, but have had no wire. Perhaps, like me, she +distrusts telegrams and prefers letters. + + * * * * * + +A long letter from Zoe: an accursed fetter--an abominable letter--a +damnable letter; she still refuses to marry me. I leave for Bruges +to-night on forty-eight hours' special leave. + + + + +_Kiel, 17th._ + + +I hate Zoe, she has broken my heart. + +After her preposterous letter of the 14th, I decided that in a matter +which so closely affected my happiness no stone ought to remain +unturned to ensure a satisfactory solution of the problem, so I +determined to have a personal interview. I arrived at Bruges after tea +and went at once to the flat. + +I tackled her immediately on the subject of her letter, and told her +that naturally I understood that a decent interval must elapse before +we married; but, granted this fact, I told her that I failed to see +what prevented our marriage. + +A most unpleasant and harrowing scene ensued, the details of which form +such painful recollections that I really cannot write them down here, +though in the passage of months I have acquired the habit of writing in +the pages of this journal with the same freedom as I would talk to that +wife whom I had hoped to possess. She maintained an obstinate silence +when I urged her to give me at least some tangible reason as to why she +would not marry me. She contented herself and maddened me by reflecting +in a kind of monotone: "I love you, Karl! and am yours, but I cannot +marry you." + +I could have beaten her till she was senseless, but I had enough sense +to realize that with Zoe, whose resolution, considering she is a woman, +amazes me, force is not the best method. As I continued to press her +(time was important: had I not journeyed far to see her?), those +glorious eyes of hers, which I love and whose power I dread, filled +with tears. I was a brute! I was heartless! I was inconsiderate! I +could not love her! I was cruel! And I know not what other accusation +crushed me down. + +Broken-hearted and dispirited, I told her to choose there and then. + +She collapsed on to a sofa in a storm of tears, and after a severe +mental struggle I took the only possible course, and leaving the +room--left her for ever. I have resumed my service life determined to +cast her out from my mind. + +I will not deceive myself: it will be hard. Love and Logic are deadly +enemies, but Logic must and shall prevail. Though I have seen her for +the last time, I cannot escape the net of fascination which the girl +has thrown over me. Perhaps in the course of time I shall slowly emerge +and free myself from its entanglements. At present I hate her for this +blow she has dealt me, and yet, O Zoe! my darling, how I long to be +with you! + + * * * * * + +To-day I went through my final test for qualification as U-boat +commander. + +At 9 a.m. I proceeded to sea in command of the U.11, one of the +instructional boats here. We proceeded out into Kiel Bay. On board and +watching my every movement was a committee consisting of a commander +and two lieutenant-commanders. + +On arrival at the entrance lightship, I was ordered to attack a convoy +of camouflaged ships which were just visible about fifteen kilometres +away off the Spit Bank. I had a very shrewd idea as to the course they +would steer, and on coming up for my final observation I found myself +in an excellent position, 1,000 metres on the bow of the leading ship. +The rest was easy. I gave the leader the two bow torpedoes, and, +turning sixteen points, fired my stern tube at the third ship of the +line. Two hits were obtained, and I returned to harbour well pleased +with myself. There is not the slightest chance of having failed to +qualify. + + * * * * * + +My confidence in myself was not misplaced; I heard to-day that I am on +the command list, and anticipate in a few days being appointed to a +boat. I wonder which craft I shall get? + + * * * * * + +I met the A.D.C. to the Chief of the Staff at the school, at the +gardens, and in conversation with him discovered that he had heard that +three boats were being detached from the Flanders flotilla for an +unknown destination. This has given me an idea, for I feel that I can +never return to Bruges, and I was rather dreading being appointed to +one of the boats there. I have dropped a line to Fritz Regels, who is +on old Max's staff, and told him that I do not wish to return to +Bruges, and I further hinted that I understood a detached squadron was +proceeding somewhere, and, as far as I was concerned, the further the +better, if I could get into it. + +I have tried the night life at this place at the Mascotte and +Trocadero, [1] in order to forget, but it is a poor consolation. + +[Footnote 1: Two well-known cabarets at Kiel.--ETIENNE.] + + * * * * * + +A letter from Fritz, saying that he has an idea that Korting's boat +would suit me, though he could not of course give me further details in +a letter; however, he informs me positively that I shall not be at +Bruges. + +On the strength of this I have wired to Fritz, and asked him to try and +fix up an exchange between me and Korting, provided the latter is +agreeable and the people in Max's office have no objection. I have a +recollection that Korting's boat is one of the U.40--U.60 class, which +would suit me admirably, and, as for destination, I care not where it +is, provided only that it be far from Bruges. + + + + +_At sea_. + + +I have quite neglected my poor old journal for several weeks. But I +have passed through an extraordinarily busy period. + +It was approved that I should relieve Korting, whose boat, the U.59, I +discovered to be refitting at Wilhelmshaven. I was very pleased not to +go back to Bruges, though as we steam steadily north at this moment I +cannot escape a sense of deep disappointment that upon my return from +this trip I shall not enjoy as of old the fascination of Zoe. But I +shall have plenty of time to get accustomed to this idea, for this is +no ordinary trip. + +We are bound for the North Cape and Murman Coast, where we remain until +well into the cold weather--at any rate, for three months. + +Our mission is to work off that fogbound and desolate coast, and attack +the constant stream of traffic between England and Archangel. There are +two other boats besides ourselves on the job, but we shall all be +working far apart. + +Our first billet is off the North Cape. In order to save time, we are +to be provisioned once a month in one of the fjords. I don't imagine +the Admiralty will have any difficulty in getting supplies up to us, as +at the moment we are off the Lofotens, and we actually have not had to +dive since we left the Bight! + +There seems to be nothing on the sea except ourselves. Where is the +much vaunted and impenetrable web of blockade which the English are +supposed to have spread around us? And yet many raw materials are +getting very short with us. I see that in this boat they have replaced +several copper pipes with steel ones during her refit, and this will +lead to trouble unless we are careful--steel pipes corrode so badly +that I never feel ready to trust them for pressure work. + +The truth about the blockade is that it is largely a paper blockade, +yet not ineffective for all that. Unfortunately for us, the damned +English and their hangers-on control the cables of the world, and hence +all the markets, and I don't suppose, to take the case of copper, that +a single pound of it is mined from the Rio Tinto without the British +Board of Trade knowing all about it. The neutral firms simply dare not +risk getting put on to the British Black List; it means ruination for +them. And then all these dollar-grabbing Yankees, enjoying all the +advantages of war without any of its dangers--they make me sick. + +This seems a most profitable job. I have only been up seven days, but +I've bagged four steamers, all by gun-fire, and all fat ships, brimful +of stuff for the Russians. My practice has been to make the North Cape +every day or two to fix position, as the currents are the most abnormal +in these parts, and I should say that the "Sailing Directions Pilotage +Handbook" and "Tidal Charts" were compiled by a gentleman at a desk who +had never visited these latitudes. + +At the moment I am standing well out to sea, as the immediate vicinity +of the North Cape has become rather unhealthy. + +Yesterday afternoon (I had sunk number four in the morning, and the +crew were still pulling for the coast) four British trawlers turned up. +These damned little craft seem to turn up wherever one goes. I longed +to have a bang at them with my gun, but, apart from the uncertainty as +to what they carried in the way of armament, I have strict orders to +avoid all that sort of thing, so I dived and steamed slowly west, came +up at dusk and proceeded to charge up my batteries. + +These U.60's are excellent boats, and I am very lucky to get one so +soon. I suppose Korting, being a married man, wants to stay near his +wife. I cannot write that word without painful memories of Zoe and idle +thoughts of what might have been. Well, perhaps it is for the best. I +am not sure that a member of the U-boat service has the right to get +married in war-time, for unless he is of exceptional mentality it must +affect his outlook under certain circumstances, though I think I should +have been an exception here. Then the anxiety to the woman must be +enormous; as every trip comes round a voice must cry within her, this +may be the last. The contrast between the times in harbour and the +trips is so violent, so shattering and clear cut. + +With a soldier's wife, she merely knows that he is at the front; with +us, at 8 p.m. one may be kissing one's wife in Bruges, and at 6 a.m. +creeping with nerves on edge through the unknown dangers of the Dover +Barrage--but I have strayed from what I meant to write about--my first +command and her crew. + +The quarters in this class are immensely superior to the U.C.-boats. +Here I have a little cabin to myself, with a knee-hole table in it. My +First Lieutenant, the Navigator and the Engineer have bunks in a room +together, and then we have a small officers' mess. + +On this job up here, as we are not to return to Germany for supplies, +and, consequently, I should say we may have to live on what we can get +out of steamers, I don't propose to use my torpedoes unless I meet a +warship or an exceptionally large steamer. + +The gun's the thing, as Arnauld de la Perriere has proved in the +Mediterranean; but half the fellows won't follow his example, simply +because they don't realize that it's no use employing the gun unless it +is used accurately, and good shooting only comes after long drill. + +I have impressed this fact on my gun crew, and particularly the two +gun-layers, and I make Voigtman (my young First Lieutenant) take the +crew through their loading drill twice a day, together with practice of +rapid manning of the gun after a "surface" or rapid abandonment of the +gun should the diving alarms sound in the middle of practice. I have +also impressed on Voigtman that I consider that he is the gun control +officer, and that I expect him to make the efficient working of the gun +his main consideration. + +As regards the crew, they are the usual mixed crowd that one gets +nowadays: half of them are old sailors, the others recruits and new +arrivals from the Fleet. My main business at the moment is to get the +youngsters into shape, and for this purpose I have been doing a number +of crash dives. It also gives me an opportunity of getting used to the +boat's peculiarities under water. She seems to have a tendency to +become tail-heavy, but this may be due to bad trimming. + +Voigtman has been in U.B.43 for nine months, and seems a capable +officer. Socially, I don't think he can boast of much descent, but he +has no airs, and treats me with pleasing respect, apart from service +considerations. + + * * * * * + +A very awkward accident took place this morning, which resulted in +severe injury to Johann Wiener, my second coxswain. + +A party of men under his direction were engaged in shifting the stern +torpedo from its tube, in order to replace it with a spare torpedo, as +I never allow any of my torpedoes to stay in the tube for more than a +week at a time owing to corrosion. The torpedo which had been in the +tube had been launched back and was on the floor plates. + +The spare torpedo, destined for the vacant tube, was hanging overhead, +when without any warning the hook on the lifting band fractured, and +the 1,000 kilogrammes' mass of metal crashed down. + +Wonderful to relate, no one was killed, but two men were badly bruised, +and Wiener has been very seriously injured. He was standing astride the +spare torpedo, and his right leg was extremely badly crushed, mostly +below the knee. + +Unfortunately it took about ten minutes to release him from his +position of terrible agony. I should have expected him to faint, but he +did not. His face went dead white, and he began to sweat freely, but +otherwise endured his ordeal with praiseworthy fortitude. + +[Illustration: "The 1,000 kilogrammes of metal crashed down."] + +[Illustration: "Good-bye! Steer west for America!"] + +[Illustration: "It is a snug anchorage and here I intend to remain."] + +I am now confronted with a perplexing situation. I cannot take him back +to Germany; I cannot even leave my station and proceed south to any of +the Norwegian ports. If I could find a neutral steamer with a doctor on +board, I would tranship him to her; but the chances of this God-send +materializing are a thousand to one in these latitudes. If I sighted a +hospital ship I would close her, but as far as I know at present there +are no hospital ships running up here. The chances of outside +assistance may therefore be reckoned as nil. Wiener's hope of life +depends on me, and I cannot make up my mind to take the step which +sooner or later must be taken--that is to say, amputation. + +It is a curious fact, but true, nevertheless, that although, as a +result of the war, men's lives, considered in quantity, seem of little +importance, when it comes to the individual case, a personal contact, a +man's life assumes all its pre-war importance. + +I feel acutely my responsibility in this matter. I see from his papers +that he is a married man with a family; this seems to make it worse. I +feel that a whole chain of people depend on me. + + * * * * * + +Since I wrote the above words this morning, Wiener has taken a decided +turn for the worse. + +I have been reading the "Medical Handbook," with reference to the +remarks on amputation, gangrene, etc., and I have also been examining +his leg. The poor devil is in great pain, and there is no doubt that +mortification has set in, as was indeed inevitable. I have decided that +he must have his last chance, and that at 8 p.m. to-night I will +endeavour to amputate. + + + + +_Midnight_. + + +I have done it--only partially successful. + + * * * * * + +Last night, in accordance with my decision, I operated on Wiener. +Voigtman assisted me. It was a terrible business, but I think it +desirable to record the details whilst they are fresh in my memory, as +a Court of Inquiry may be held later on. Voigtman and I spent the whole +afternoon in the study of such meagre details on the subject as are +available in the "Medical Handbook." We selected our knives and a saw +and sterilized them; we also disinfected our hands. + +At 7.45 I dived the boat to sixty metres, at which depth the boat was +steady. We had done our best with the wardroom-table, and upon this the +patient was placed. I decided to amputate about four inches above the +knee, where the flesh still seemed sound. I considered it impracticable +to administer an anaesthetic, owing to my absolute inexperience in this +matter. + +Three men held the patient down, as with a firm incision I began the +work. The sawing through the bone was an agonizing procedure, and I +needed all my resolution to complete the task. Up to this stage all had +gone as well as could be expected, when I suddenly went through the +last piece of bone and cut deep into the flesh on the other side. An +instantaneous gush of blood took place, and I realized that I had +unexpectedly severed the popliteal artery, before Voigtman, who was +tying the veins, was ready to deal with it. + +I endeavoured to staunch the deadly flow by nipping the vein between my +thumb and forefinger, whilst Voigtman hastily tried to tie it. Thinking +it was tied, I released it, and alas! the flow at once started again; +once more I seized the vein, and once again Voigtman tried to tie it. +Useless--we could not stop the blood. He would undoubtedly have bled to +death before our eyes, had not Voigtman cauterized the place with an +electric soldering-iron which was handy. + +Much shaken, I completed the amputation, and we dressed the stump as +well as we could. + +At the moment of writing he is still alive, but as white as snow; he +must have lost litres of blood through that artery. + + + + +9 _p.m._ + + +Wiener died two hours ago. I should say the immediate cause of death +was shock and loss of blood. I did my best. + + * * * * * + +We have been out on this extended patrol area seven days, but not a +wisp of smoke greets our eyes. + +Nothing but sea, sea, sea. Oh, how monotonous it is! I cannot make out +where the shipping has got to. Tomorrow I am going to close the North +Cape again. I think everything must be going inside me. I am too far +out here. + + * * * * * + +The North Cape bears due east. Nothing afloat in sight. Where the devil +can all the shipping be? In ten days' time I am due to meet my supply +ship; meanwhile I think I'll have to take another cast out, of three +hundred miles or so. + + * * * * * + +Nothing in sight, nothing, nothing. + +The barometer falling fast and we are in for a gale. I have decided to +make the coast again, as I don't want to fail to turn up punctually at +the rendezvous. + + * * * * * + +In the Standarak-Landholm Fjord--thank heavens. + +Heavens! we have had a time. We were still two hundred and fifty miles +from the coast when we were caught by the gale. And a gale up here is a +gale, and no second thoughts about it. To say it blew with the force of +ten thousand devils is to understate the case. The sea came on to us in +huge foaming rollers like waves of attacking infantry intent on +overwhelming us. + +We struggled east at about three knots. But she stuck it magnificently. +Low scudding clouds obscured the sky and came like a procession of +ghosts from the north-east. Sun observations were impossible for two +reasons. Firstly, no one could get on deck; secondly, there was no +visible sun. This lasted for three days, at the end of which time we +had only the vaguest idea as to where we were. + +The gale then blew out, but, contrary to all expectations, was +succeeded by a most abominable fog, thick and white like cotton-wool. +These were hardly ideal conditions under which to close a rocky and +unknown coast, but it had to be done. The trouble was that it was +entirely useless taking soundings, as the twenty-metre depth-line on +the chart went right up to the land. We crept slowly eastwards, till, +when by dead reckoning we were ten miles inside the coast, the +Navigator accidentally leant on the whistle lever; this action on his +part probably saved the ship, as an immediate echo answered the blast. +In an instant we were going full-speed astern. We altered course +sixteen points and proceeded ten miles westerly, where we lay on and +off the coast all night, cursing the fog. + +Next day it lifted, and we spent the whole time trying to find the +entrance to the S. Landholm Fjord. The coast appeared to bear no +resemblance to the chart whatsoever. + +The cliffs stand up to a height of several hundred metres, with +occasional clefts where a stream runs down. There are no trees, houses, +animals, or any signs of life, except sea birds, of which there are +myriads. The Engineer declares he saw a reindeer, but five other people +on deck failed to see any signs of the beast. + +After hours of nosing about, during which my heart was in my mouth, as +I quite expected to fetch up on a pinnacle rock, items which are +officially described in the Handbook as being "very numerous," we +rounded a bluff and got into a place which seems to answer the +description of S. Landholm. At any rate, it is a snug anchorage, and +here I intend to remain for a few days, and hope for my store-ship to +turn up. + +I've posted a daylight look-out on top of the bluff; it would be very +awkward to be caught unawares in this place, which is only about 150 +metres wide in places. + +I'm taking advantage of the rest to give the crew some exercises and +execute various minor repairs to the Diesels. + + * * * * * + +Yesterday we fought what must be one of the most remarkable single-ship +actions of the war. + +At 9 a.m. the look-out on the cliffs reported smoke to the northward. + +I got the anchor up and made ready to push off, but still kept the +look-out ashore. At 9.30 he reported a destroyer in sight, which seemed +serious if she chose to look into my particular nook. + +At any rate, I thought, I wouldn't be caught like a rat, so I got my +look-out on board--a matter of ten minutes--and then proceeded out, +trimmed down and ready for diving. + +When I drew clear of the entrance I saw the enemy distant about a +thousand metres. I at once recognized her as being one of the oldest +type of Russian torpedo boats afloat. When I established this fact, a +devil entered into my mind, and did a most foolhardy act. + +I decided that I would not retreat beneath the sea, but that I would +fight her as one service ship to another. + +When I make up my mind, I do so in no uncertain manner--indecision is +abhorrent to me--and I sharply ordered, "Gun's Crew--Action." + +I can still see the comical look of wonderment which passed over my +First Lieutenant's face, but he knows me, and did not hesitate an +instant. We drilled like a battleship, and in sixty-five seconds--I +timed it as a matter of interest--from my order we fired the first +shot. It fell short. + +Extraordinary to relate, the torpedo boat, without firing a gun, put +her helm hard over, and started to steam away at her full speed, which +I suppose was about seventeen knots. + +I actually began to chase her--a submarine chasing a torpedo boat! It +was ludicrous. + +With broad smiles on their faces, my good gun's crew rapidly fired the +gun, and we had the satisfaction of striking her once, near her after +funnel, but it did no vital damage, as a few minutes afterwards she +drew out of range! What a pack of incompetent cowards! + +They never fired a shot at us. I suppose half of them were drunk or +else in a state of semi-mutiny, for one hears strange tales of affairs +in Russia these days. + +The whole incident was quite humorous, but I realized that I had hardly +been wise, as without doubt the English will hear of this, and these +trawlers of theirs will turn up, and I'm certainly not going to try any +heroics with John Bull, who is as tough a fighter as we are. + +Meanwhile, what of the supply ship, for I'm supposed to meet her here, +and it's already twenty-four hours since yesterday's epoch-making +battle and I expect the English any moment. + + * * * * * + +My doubts were removed for me since I received special orders at noon +by high-power wireless from Nordreich, and on decoding them found that, +for some reason or other, we are ordered to proceed to Muckle Flugga +Cape, and thence down the coast of Shetlands to the Fair Island +Channel, where we are directed to cruise till further orders. Special +warning is included as to encountering friendly submarines. + +It appears to me that a special concentration of U-boats is being +ordered round about the Orkneys, and that some big scheme is on hand. + +We are now steering south-westerly to make Muckle Flugga, which I hope +to do in four days' time if the weather holds. + +These Northern waters have proved very barren of shipping in the last +few weeks, and this fact, coupled with the approaching winter weather, +which must be fiendish in these latitudes, makes me quite ready to +exchange the Archangel billet for the work round the Orkneys and +Shetlands, though this is damnable enough in the winter, in all +conscience. + +There is only one fly in the ointment, and that is that this premature +return to North Sea waters might conceivably mean a visit to Zeebrugge, +though this class are not likely to be sent there. + +Though it is many weeks since I left Zoe, I have not been able to +forget her. I continually wonder what she is doing, and often when I am +not on my guard she wanders into my thoughts. + +Whilst I am up here, it does not matter much, except that it causes me +unhappiness, but if I found myself at Bruges it would be very hard. +However, I don't suppose I shall ever see her again. + + * * * * * + +Sighted Muckle Flugga this morning, and shaped course for Fair Island. + + * * * * * + +Oh! what a hell I have passed through. I can hardly realize that I am +alive, but I am, though whether I shall be to-morrow morning is +doubtful--it all depends on the weather, and who would willingly stake +their life on North Sea weather at this time of the year? + +Curses on the man who sent us to the Fair Island Channel. Where the +devil is our Intelligence Service? If we make Flanders I have a story +to tell that will open their eyes, blind bats that they are, +luxuriating in the comfort of their fat staff jobs ashore. + +The Fair Island Channel is an English death-trap; it stinks with death. +By cursed luck we arrived there just as the English were trying one of +their new devices, and it is the devil. Exactly what the system is, I +don't quite know, and I hope never again to have to investigate it. + +For forty-seven, hours we have been hunted like a rat, and now, with +the pressure hull leaking in three places, and the boat half full of +chlorine, we are struggling back on the surface, practically incapable +of diving at least for more than ten minutes at a time. Even on the +surface, with all the fans working, one must wear a gas mask to +penetrate the fore compartment. Oh! these English, what devils they +are! + +Here is what happened: + +Fair Island was away on our port beam when we sighted a large English +trawler, which I suspected of being a patrol. To be on the safe side, I +dived and proceeded at twenty metres for about an hour. + +At 5 p.m. (approximately) I came up to periscope depth to have a look +round, but quickly dived again as I discovered a trawler, steering on +the same course as myself, about a thousand metres astern of me. This +was the more disconcerting, as in the short time at my disposal it +seemed to me that she was remarkably similar to the craft I had seen in +the afternoon, and yet this hardly seemed likely, as I did not think +she could have sighted me then. + +On diving, I altered course ninety degrees, and proceeded for half an +hour at full speed, then altered another ninety degrees, in the same +direction as the previous alteration, and diving to thirty metres I +proceeded at dead slow. By midnight I had been diving so much that I +decided to get a charge on the batteries before dawn; I also wanted to +be up at 1 a.m. to make my position report. + +I surfaced after a good look round through the right periscope, which, +as usual, revealed nothing. I had hardly got on the bridge, when a +flash of flame stabbed the night on the starboard beam and a shell +moaned just overhead. + +I crash-dived at once, but could not get under before the enemy fired a +second shot at us, which fortunately missed us. As we dived I ordered +the helm hard a starboard, to counteract the expected depth-charge +attack. We must have been a hundred and fifty metres from the first +charge and a little below it, five others followed in rapid succession, +but were further away, and we suffered no damage beyond a couple of +broken lights. The situation was now extremely unpleasant. I did not +dare venture to the surface, and thus missed my 1 a.m. signal from +Headquarters. I wanted a charge badly, and so proceeded at the lowest +possible speed. At regular intervals our enemy dropped one depth-charge +somewhere astern of us, but these reports always seemed the same +distance away. + +At dawn I very cautiously came up to periscope depth, and had a look. +To my consternation I discovered our relentless pursuer about 1,500 +metres away on the port quarter. In some extraordinary manner he had +tracked us during the night. + +I dived and altered course through ninety degrees to south. + +At 9 a.m. a tremendous explosion shook the boat from stem to stern, +smashing several lights, and giving her a big inclination up by the +bow. + +As I was only at twenty metres I feared the boat would break surface, +and our enemy was evidently very nearly right over us. I at once +ordered hard to dive, and went down to the great depth of ninety-five +metres. + +A series of shattering explosions somewhere above us showed that we +were marked down, and we were only saved from destruction by our great +depth, the English charges being set apparently to about thirty metres. + +At noon the situation was critical in the extreme. My battery density +was down to 1,150, the few lamps that I had burning were glowing with a +faint, dull red appearance, which eloquently told of the falling +voltage and the dying struggles of the battery. + +The motors with all fields out were just going round. The faces of the +crew, pallid with exhaustion, seemed of an ivory whiteness in the dusky +gloom of the boat, which never resembled a gigantic and fantastically +ornamental coffin so closely as she did at that time. + +The air was fetid. I struck a match; it went out in my fingers. The +slightest effort was an agony. I bent down to take off my sea-boots, +and cold sweat dropped off my forehead, and my pulse rose with a kind +of jerk to a rapid beating, like a hammer. + +I left one sea-boot on. + +At 1 p.m. a deputation of the crew came aft, and in whispered voices +implored me to surface the boat and make a last effort on the surface. +A muffled report, as our implacable enemy dropped a depth-charge +somewhere astern of us, added point to the conversation, and showed me +that our appearance on the surface could have but one end. + +At 3 p.m. the second coxswain, who was working the hydroplanes, fell +off his stool in a dead faint. + +At 3.30 p.m. the supreme crisis was reached: two more men fainted, and +I realized that if I did not surface at once I might find the crew +incapable of starting the Diesels. + +At the order "Surface," a feeble cheer came from the men. + +We surfaced, and I dragged myself-up to the conning tower. Luckily we +started the Diesels with ease, and in a few minutes gusts of beautiful +air were circulating through the boat. + +Meanwhile, what of the enemy? I had half expected a shell as soon as we +came up, and it was with great anxiety that I looked round. We had been +slightly favoured by fortune in that the only thing in sight was a +trawler away on the port beam. It was our hunter. + +I trimmed right down, hoping to avoid being seen, as it was essential +to stay on the surface and get some amperes into the battery. I also +altered course away from him. + +It was about 5 p.m. that I saw two trawlers ahead, one on each bow. By +this time the boat's crew had quite recovered, but I did not wish to +dive, as the battery was still pitiably low. I gradually altered course +to north-east, but after half an hour's run I almost ran on top of a +group of patrols in the dusk. + +I crash-dived, and they must have seen me go down, as a few minutes +later the boat was violently shaken by a depth-charge. + +We were at twenty metres, still diving at the time. I consulted the +chart, but could find no bottoming ground within fifty miles, a +distance which was quite beyond my powers. + +At 11 p.m. I simply had to come up again and get a charge on the +batteries. + +From 7 p.m. to 10 p.m., at regular half-hourly intervals, a +depth-charge had gone off somewhere within a radius of two miles of me. +Needless to say, I was only crawling along at about one knot and +altering course frequently. What was so terrible was the patent fact +that the patrols in this area had evidently got some device which +enabled them to keep in continual touch with me to a certain extent. + +These monotonous and regular depth-charges seemed to say: "We know, Oh! +U-boat, that we are somewhere near you, and here is a depth-charge just +to tell you that we haven't lost you yet." [1] + +[Footnote 1: Karl was quite right; it is evident that he had the +misfortune to encounter one of our new hydrophone-hunting groups, just +started In the Fair Island Channel. The incident of the depth-charges +every half-hour was known as "Tickling up." Probably the patrol only +heard faint noises from him.--ETIENNE.] + +As an hour had elapsed since the last depth-charge, I felt fairly happy +at coming up, and on making the surface I was delighted to find a +pitch-black night and a considerable sea. From 10 p.m. to 1 a.m. I +actually had three hours of peace, and in this period I managed to cram +a considerable amount of stuff into the batteries. The densities were +rising nicely and all seemed well, when I did what I now see was a very +foolish thing. + +I made my 1 a.m. wireless report to Nordreich, in which I requested +orders at 3 a.m. and reported my position, together with the fact that +I had been badly hunted. + +In twenty-five minutes they were on me again! I had most idiotically +assumed that the English had no directional wireless in these parts. +They have. They've got everything that they have ever tried up there; +it was concentrated in that infernal Fair Island Channel. + +I was only saved by seeing a destroyer coming straight at me, +silhouetted against, the low-lying crescent of a new moon. When I dived +she was about six hundred metres away. As I have confessed to doing a +foolish thing, I give myself the pleasure of recording a cleverer move +on my part. I anticipated depth-charge attack as a matter of course, +but instead of going down to twenty-five metres, I kept her at twelve. + +The depth-charges came all right, seven smashing explosions, but, as I +had calculated, they were set to go off at about thirty metres, and so +were well below me. + +The boat was thrown bodily up by one, and I think the top of the +conning tower must have broken surface, but there was little danger of +this being seen in the prevailing water conditions. + + * * * * * + +I have just had to stop recording my experiences of the past +forty-eight hours, as the Navigator, who is on watch, sent down a +message to say that smoke was in sight. + +The next hour was full of anxiety, but by hauling off to port we +managed to lose it. I then had a little food, and I will now conclude +my account before trying again to get some sleep. + + + + +_The account continued._ + + +All my hopes of getting up again that night, both for the purpose of +charging and of getting the 3 a.m. signal, were doomed to be +disappointed, as the hydrophone operator kept on reporting the noise of +destroyers overhead. Occasional distant thuds seemed to indicate a +never-ending supply of depth-charges, but they were about four or five +miles from me. Perhaps some other unfortunate devil was going through +the fires of hell. + +At daylight on the second day my position was still miserable. The +battery was getting low again, the sea had gone down, and when I put my +periscope up at 9 a.m. the horizon seemed to be ringed with patrols. I +felt as if I was in an invisible net, and though I endeavoured to +conceal my apprehension from the crew, I could see from the listless +way they went about their duties that they realized that once again we +were near the end of our resources. + +All the forenoon we crept along at thirty metres, until the tension was +broken at 1 p.m. by a furious depth-charge attack. In some +extraordinary way they had located me again and closed in upon me. The +first charges were some little distance off, and as they got closer a +feeling of desperation overcame me, and I seriously contemplated ending +the agony by surfacing and fighting to the last with my gun. + +Curiously enough, the procedure that I adopted was the exact opposite. +I decided to dive deep. I went down to 114 metres. At this exceptional +depth, three rivets in the pressure hull began to leak, and jets of +water with the rigidity of bars of iron shot into the boat. I held on +for five minutes, which was sufficient to save me from the depth-charge +attack, though two which went off almost above me broke some lamps. I +then came up to twenty metres and slowly crawled on. Throughout the +long afternoon, though we were not directly attacked again, I heard +depth-charges on several occasions sufficiently close to me to +demonstrate that these implacable and tireless devils had an idea of +the area I was in. + +By a supreme effort, working one motor at the only speed it would go, +viz., "Dead slow," I managed to squeeze out the battery until I +estimated it must be dusk. + +There was only one thing to do--I surfaced. It was not as dark as I had +hoped, and I saw a fairly large sloop-like vessel, about eight thousand +metres away, on the port beam. She must have seen me simultaneously, as +the flash of a gun darted from her, the shell falling short. + +I couldn't dive; there seemed only one thing to do: fight and then die. +I ordered the gun's crew up, and the unequal duel began. We were going +full speed on the Diesels, and my course was east by north. A good deal +of water and spray was flying over the gun, and my crew had little hope +of doing much accurate shooting, but I have often found that when one +is being fired at there is nothing so comforting as the sound of one's +own gun. + +Our enemy was armed with two large guns, fifteen centimetres or over, +but had no speed, a discovery which raised my hopes again. It was soon +evident that, provided we were not heading for another patrol, if we +could survive ten minutes' shelling, we should be saved for the time +being by the fading light, which was evidently causing our enemy +increasing difficulties, as his shots alternated between very short and +very much over. + +I was actually congratulating the Navigator on our escape, and I had +just told the gun's crew to cease firing at the blurred outlines on the +port quarter from which the random shells still came, when there was a +sheet of yellow flame and a jar which threw me against the signalman. +The latter had been standing near the conning-tower hatch, and +unfortunately I knocked him off his balance, and he fell with a thud +into the upper conning tower. He had the good fortune to escape with a +couple of ribs broken, but when I recovered myself and got to my feet, +far worse consequences met my eyes. + +By the worst of ill-luck, a shell which must have been fired +practically at random had hit the gun just below the port trunnion. + +The result of the explosion was very severe. Four of the seven men at +the gun had been blown overboard, the breech worker was uninjured, +though from the way he swayed about it was evident that he was dazed, +and I expected to see him fall over the side at any moment. The +remaining two men were as dead as horse-flesh. + +The material damage was even more serious. The gun had been practically +thrown out of its cradle, but in the main the trunnion blocks had held +firm, and the whole pedestal had been carried over to starboard. + +The really terrible effects of this injury were not apparent at first +sight, but I soon realized them, for an hour later (we had shaken off +the sloop) I saw red flame on the horizon, which plainly indicated +flaming at the funnel from some destroyer doubtless looking for us at +high speed. + +I dived, intending to surface again as soon as possible. With this +intention in my head, I did not go below the upper conning tower. We +had barely got to ten metres, when loud cries from below and the +disquieting noise of rushing water told me that something was wrong. I +blew all tanks, surfaced, left the First Lieutenant on watch and went +below. + +There were five centimetres of water on the battery boards, and I +understood at once that we could never dive again. + +For the pedestal of the gun, in being forced over, had strained the +longitudinal seam of the pressure hull, to which it is bolted, and a +shower of water had come through as soon as we got under. + +It might have been hoped that this was enough, but no! our cup was not +yet full. Chlorine gas suddenly began to fill the fore-end. The salt +water running down into the battery tanks had found acid, and though I +ordered quantities of soda to be put down into the tank, it became, and +still is at the moment of writing, impossible to move forward of the +conning tower without putting on a gas mask and oxygen helmet. So we +are helpless, and at the mercy of any little trawler, or even the +weather. + +We have no gun; we cannot dive. The English must know that they have +hit us, and every hour I expect to see the hull of a destroyer climb +over the horizon astern. + +We are fortunate in two respects: in that for the time being the +weather seems to promise well, and our Diesels are thoroughly sound. + +We are ordered to Zeebrugge--I could have wished elsewhere for many +reasons, but it does not matter, as I cannot believe we are intended to +escape. + +I feel I would almost welcome an enemy ship, it would soon be over; but +this uncertainty and anxiety drags on for hour after hour--and now I +cannot sleep, though I haven't slept properly for over seventy hours. I +am so worn out that my body screams for sleep, but it is denied to me, +and so, lest I go mad, I write; it is better to do this, though my eyes +ache and the letters seem to wriggle, than to stand up on the bridge +looking for the smoke of our enemies, or to lie in my bunk and count +the revolutions of the Diesels; thousands of thousands of thudding +beats, one after the other, relentless hammer strokes. + +I have endured much. + + + + +_NOTE BY ETIENNE_ + + +_A break occurs in Karl von Schenk's diary at this juncture. Fortunately +the main outlines of the story are preserved owing to Zoe's long +letter, which was in a small packet inside the cover of the second +notebook. Zoe's letter will be reproduced in this book in its proper +chronological position, but in order to save the reader the trouble of +reading the book from the letter back to this point, a brief summary of +what took place is given here. The entries in his diary which follow +the words "I have endured much," are very meagre for a period which +seems to have been about a month in length. There is no further mention +of the latter stages of Karl's passage in the wrecked boat to +Zeebrugge, so it is presumed that he made that port without further +adventure. He was evidently on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and +appears to have been suffering from very severe insomnia. He had been +hunted for two days, during which he was perpetually on the verge of +destruction, and the cumulative effect of such an experience is bound +to leave its mark on the strongest man. When he got back to Zeebrugge +he must have been at the end of his tether, and whether by chance or +design it was when Karl was, as he would have said, "at a low mental +ebb" that Zoe made her last and successful attack upon his resolution +not to see her again unless she consented to marry him. It is plain +from her letter that when he left her after the stormy interview in +which he vowed never to see her again, Zoe did not lose hope. She seems +to have kept herself _au courant _with his movements, and actually to +have known when he was expected in._ + +_We know that she had many friends amongst the officers, and it is +probable that from one of these she was able to get information about +Karl's movements._ + +_Bruges was probably a hot-bed of U-boat gossip, and, not unlike the +conditions at certain other Naval ports during the war, the ladies were +often too well informed. At any rate it appears that Zoe rushed to see +Karl directly he arrived at Bruges, and found him a mental and physical +wreck, suffering from acute insomnia._ + +_With the impetuous vigour which evidently guided most of her actions, +she took complete charge of Karl, and, as he was due for four days' +leave, she whisked him off to the forest._ + +_Karl may have protested, but was probably in no state to wish to do so. +At her shooting-box in the forest Zoe achieved her desire, and the +stubborn struggle between the lovers ended in victory for the woman. +There is an entry in Karl's diary which may refer to this period; he +simply says, "Slept at last! Oh, what a joy!"_ + +_If this entry was written in the forest, it seemed as if Karl had been +unable to sleep until Zoe carried him off to the forest peace of her +shooting-box and surrounded him with the atmosphere of her tender +sympathy._ + +_There is no evidence of the light in which Karl viewed his defeat, +when, having regained his strength, he was able to take stock of the +changed situation. It is reasonable to suppose that his silence upon +this matter in the pages of his diary is evidence that he was ashamed +of what he must have considered a great act of weakness on his part._ + +_At all events he realized that he had crossed the Rubicon and that he +had better acquiesce in the_ fait accompli. + +_He seems to have been in harbour for about six weeks, during which he +lived with Zoe, and the lovers enjoyed a brief spell of happiness +before Karl set out on his next trip._ + +_Karl seems to have found those six weeks very pleasant ones, though his +diary merely contains brief references, such as: "A. day in the country +with Z."; "Z. and I went to the Cavalry dance," and other trivial +entries--of his thoughts there is not a word._ + +_About the end of 1917 Karl's boat was repaired, and he left for the +Atlantic; and once more resumed full entries in his diary._ + +ETIENNE. + + + + +_Karl's Diary resumed_. + +Sailed at 9 p.m. last night, and we are now seventeen miles off Beachy +Head. The Straits of Dover were frightful; the glare of the acetylene +flares on the barrage showed for miles. Seen from a distance it gave me +the impression of the gates of hell, through which we had to pass. + +I dived, ten miles away, and went through with the tide at a depth of +forty metres. + +Two hours and three quarters of suspense, and at dawn we came up, +having passed safely through the great deathtrap. At the moment there +is nothing in sight, except a little smoke on the horizon. I am going +to dive again till dusk. + +2 _a.m._ + +We are thrashing down the Channel with a south-westerly wind right +ahead. My instructions are to work for two days between the Lizard and +Kinsale Head, and then proceed far out in the Atlantic, where the +convoys are supposed to meet the destroyers. + +That Fair Island Channel experience was enough for a lifetime. Death, +quick, short and sudden, this I am ready for. But torture, slow, long +and drawn-out, is not in the bargain which in this year of grace every +civilized man and half the savages of the world seem to have had to +make with the god Mars. + +As I sit in this steel, cigar-shaped mass of machinery, the question +rings incessantly in my ears: "To what object is all this war directed, +when analysed from the point of view of the individual?" + +It does not satisfy any longing of mine. I have not got a lust for +battle: no one who fights has a lust for battle. Editors of newspapers +and people on General Staffs, possibly also Cabinet Ministers, have +lusts for battles, as long as they arrange the battle and talk about +it afterwards--curse them! + +The only thing I want is to be with Zoe. I want to live and spend long +years with her, enjoying life--this life of which I have spent half +already, and now perhaps it will be taken from me by some other man: +some Englishman who doesn't really want to take my life, reckoned as an +individual. + +Around me in the darkness are the patrol boats, manned by the +Englishmen who are seeking my life. Seeking it, not to gratify their +private emotions, but because we are all in the whirlpool of War and +cannot escape. + +Like an avalanche, it seems to gather strength and speed as it rolls +on, this War of Nations. The world must be mad! I cannot see how it can +ever stop. England will never be defeated at sea. We shall conquer on +land--then what? + +An inconclusive peace. + +Even if we smash this island Empire and gain the dominion of the world, +how will it advantage me? I can see no way in which I can gain. + +It would be said, if any one should read this: _Gott_! what a selfish +point of view--he thinks only of his personal gain, not of his country. + +But, confound it all, I reply, answer me this: + +Do I exist for my country, or does my country exist for me? + +For example, does man live for the sake of the Church, or was the +Church created for man? + +Does not my country exist for my benefit? + +Surely it is so. + +Then again, I am risking my all, my life; I live in danger, +apprehension and great discomfort; I do all these things, and yet if as +a reasonable man I ponder what advantage I am to gain from all these +sacrifices I am adjudged selfish. + +It is all madness; I cannot fathom the meaning of these things. + + * * * * * + +In position on the Bristol line of approach, the weather is bad. + + + + +_At twenty metres._ + + +Once again Death has stretched forth his bony fingers to catch me by +the throat, and only by a chance have I wriggled free. + +Yesterday afternoon at 5 p.m. we sighted a small steamer flying Spanish +colours and steering for Cardiff. The weather was choppy, but not too +bad, and I decided to exercise the gun's crew, though I did not think +there would be much doing, as the Spaniards soon give in. + +I opened fire at six thousand metres, and pitched a shell ahead of her +and ran up the signal to heave-to. The wretched little craft paid no +attention, and continued on her lumbering course. I suspected the +presence of an Englishman on her bridge, and determined to hit. + +This we did with our sixth shot, and she stopped dead and wallowed in +the trough, with clouds of steam pouring out of her engine-room; we had +evidently got the engine-room. + +As we closed her, it was evident that a tremendous panic was taking +place on board. The port sea boat was being launched, but one fall +broke and the occupants fell into the water. My Navigator begged me to +give her another, which I did, and hit her right aft. Two boatloads of +gesticulating individuals now appeared from the shelter of her lee side +and began pulling wildly away from the ship. + +The Navigator, whose eyes were dancing with excitement, was very keen +to play with them by spraying the water with machine-gun bullets; but +it seemed to me to be waste of ammunition, and I would not permit it. + +Meanwhile we had approached to within about four hundred metres of her +port bow. I was debating whether to accelerate her sinking, when I +noticed that a fire had broken out aft, and I became possessed with a +childish curiosity to see the fire being put out as she sank. It was a +kind of contest between the elements. + +As I watched her, I was startled to hear three or four reports from the +region of the fire. + +"Ammunition!" shouted the pilot, with wide-opened eyes. + +In an instant I pressed the diving alarm as I realized our deadly +peril. Fool that I had been, she was a decoy-ship. They must have +realized on board that I had seen through their disguise, for as we +began to move forward, under the motors, a trap-door near her bows fell +down, the white ensign was broken at the fore, and a 4-inch gun opened +fire from the embrasure that was revealed on her side. + +We were fortunate in that our conning tower was already right ahead of +the enemy, and as I dropped down into the conning tower, I saw that as +she could not turn we were safe. + +A few shells plunged harmlessly into the water near our stern, and then +we were under. + +We came up to a periscope depth, and I surveyed her from a position off +her stern. She was sinking fast, but I felt so furious at being nearly +trapped that I could not resist giving her a torpedo; detonation was +complete, and a mass of wreckage shot into the air as the hull of the +ship disappeared. As to the two boats, I left them to make the best +course to land that they could. + +As they were fifty miles off the shore when I left them and it blew +force six a few hours afterwards, I rather think they have joined the +list of "Missing." We are now steering due west to our second position. + + * * * * * + +Received orders last night to return to base forthwith on the north +about route. [1] + +[Footnote 1: This means into the North Sea round Scotland.--] + +I have shaped course to pass fifty miles north of Muckle Flugga; no +more Fair Island Channel for me. + + * * * * * + +Statlandlet in sight, with the Norwegian coast looking very lovely +under the snow--we never saw a ship from north of the Shetlands to this +place, when we saw a light cruiser of the town class steaming +south-west at high speed. + +She had probably been on patrol off this place, where the Inner and +Outer Leads join up and ships have to leave the three-mile limit. + +She was well away from me, and an attack would have been useless. I did +not shed any tears; I have lost much of the fire-eating ideas which +filled my mind when I first joined this service. + + * * * * * + +We are due off the mole at 8 p.m. tonight, and my heart leaps with joy +at the thought of seeing my Zoe; already I can almost imagine her +lovely arms round my neck, her face raised to mine, and all the other +wonderful things that make her so glorious in my eyes. + + + + +_NOTE BY ETIENNE_ + + +Before quoting the next entry in Karl's journal it is necessary to +explain the situation which confronted him when he arrived in +Zeebrugge. In his absence, his beloved Zoe had been arrested as an +Allied Agent, and she was tried for espionage within a day or two of +his arrival. There is no record of how he heard the news, and the blow +he sustained was probably so terrible that whilst there was yet hope he +felt no desire to write; but, as will be seen, there came a time when +he turned to his journal as the last friend that remained to him. It is +a curious fact that, with the exception of an entry at the beginning of +this journal, Karl makes little mention of his mother and home at +Frankfurt. Though he does not say so, it seems possible that his mother +had heard of his entanglement with Zoe, and a barrier had risen between +them; this suggestion gains strength from the fact that in his blackest +moments of despair he never seems to consider the question of turning +to Frankfurt for sympathy. Interest is naturally aroused as to the +details of Zoe's trial. The available material consists solely of the +long letter she wrote to him from Bruges jail. It may be that one day +the German archives of the period of occupation will reveal further +details. Information on the subject is possibly at the disposal of the +British Intelligence Service, but this would be kept secret. All we +know on the matter is derived from the letter, which has been preserved +inside the second volume of Karl's diary. + +There seems no doubt that she was caught red-handed, but to say more +would be to anticipate her own words. + +It was a matter of some difficulty to know where best to introduce +Zoe's letter, but with a view to securing as much continuity of thought +in the story as possible it has been decided to quote it at this +juncture, although he did not receive it until after he had made the +entry in the journal which will be quoted directly after the letter. + +I would like to appeal to any reader who may happen to be engaged in +administrative or reconstructive work in Belgium, to communicate with +me, care of Messrs. Hutchinson, should he handle any papers dealing +with Zoe's trial. + +_ETIENNE_. + + + + +ZOE'S LETTER + + +MY BEST BELOVED, + +When you get this letter cease to sorrow for what will have happened, +for I shall be at rest, and in peace at last, freed from a world in +which I have known bitter sorrow and, until you came into my life, but +little joy. + +For these past months I am grateful to God, if such a being exists and +regulates the conduct of a world gone mad. + +For in a few hours I am to die. + +It is harder for you than for me; one moment of agony I suffered, a +moment that seemed to last a century, when, amidst the sea of faces +that swam in a confused mass before me at the trial, I saw your eyes +and the torture that you were suffering. When I saw your eyes I knew +that the President had said I must die. I am glad that I was told this +by you, the only one amongst all these men who loved me. I suppose the +President spoke; I never heard him, but I saw your eyes and I knew. + +My darling, it was cruel of you to come, cruel to me and cruel to +yourself, but I loved you for being there; it showed me that up till +the last you would stand by me, and until you read this you cannot know +all the facts. That to you, as to the others, I must have seemed a +woman spy and that nevertheless you stood by me, is to me a +recollection of unsurpassable sweetness, compared with which all other +thoughts of you fade into insignificance. + +Know now, oh, well beloved, that I was not unworthy of your love. + +I have a story to tell you, and I have such a little time left that I +must write quickly. The priest who has been with me comes again an hour +before the dawn, and he has promised to deliver these my last words of +love into your hands. + +My real name is Zoe Xenia Olga Sbeiliez, and I was born twenty-nine +years ago at my father's country house at Inkovano, near Koniesfol. I +am Polish; at least, my father was, and my mother comes from the Don +country. There was a day when my father's ancestors were Princes in +Poland. Poor Poland was torn by the vultures of Europe, just as your +countrymen, my Karl, are tearing poor Belgium and France, and so my +family lost estates year by year, and my grandfather is buried +somewhere in the dreary steppes of Siberia because he dared to be a +Polish patriot. + +My father bowed before the storm, and under my mother's influence he +never became mixed up with politics. Thus he lived on his estates at +Inkovano, and nursed them for my younger brother, Alexandrovitch, the +child of his old age. Alex would be nineteen now, had he lived. The +estates were large as these things go in Western Europe, but they were +but a garden as compared with the lands held by my great-grandfather, +Boris Sbeiliez. + +My father had a dream, and he dreamed this dream from the day Alex was +born to the day they both died in each other's arms. + +My father dreamt that one day the Tsars would soften their heart to +Poland, and raise her up from the dust to a place amongst the nations, +and my father dreamt that Alexandrovitch Sbeiliez would become a leader +of Poland, as his ancestors had been before him. And so my father +nursed his estates and pinched and saved, in preparation for the day +when his beautiful dream should come true. + +[Illustration: "A trapdoor near her bows fell down, the White Ensign +was broken at the fore, and a 4-inch gun opened fire from the embrasure +that was revealed on her side."] + +[ILLUSTRATION: "I sighted two convoys, but there were destroyers +there...."] + +My poor idealistic father never realized, oh, my Karl, that when one +wants a thing one must fight--to the death. Alex was the apple of his +eye, but I was much loved by my mother; perhaps she dreamed a dream +about me--I know not, but she determined that I should have all that +was necessary. Paris, Berlin, Munich, Dresden, and a season in London, +then I came home at twenty-one, perfectly educated according to the +world, beautiful according to men, and dressed according to Paris. But +I was only to find out how little I knew. My mother and I used to take +a house in Warsaw for the season, and I met many notable men and women. +In these days I, also, thought I could do something for Poland, but +after two or three seasons I found that I, too, was only dreaming idle +dreams. Oh! my beloved, beware of dreaming idle dreams. + +Listen! I once met the Prime Minister of all Russia at a reception. I +captivated him, and thought, now! now! I shall do something. + +I sat next to him at dinner; I talked of Poland--and I knew my +subject--I talked brilliantly; he listened, he hung on my words, and +he, the Prime Minister of all Russia, the Tsar's right-hand man, asked +me to drive with him next day in his sledge. I, an almost unknown +Polish girl! + +When I accepted, I was in the seventh heaven of delight. + +Next day he called and we set forth; at a deserted spot in the woods +near Warsaw he tried to kiss me--I struck him in the face with the butt +of his own whip. + +That was why he had hung on my words, that was why he had taken me for +my drive; it was my Polish body that interested _him_--not Poland. + +The Prime Minister of Russia was confined to his room for two days, +"owing to an indisposition." How I laughed when I saw the bulletin in +the paper, signed by two doctors, but it taught me a lesson; I never +dreamt idle dreams again. + +No, I am wrong, my beloved. I dreamt an idle dream, a lovely dream +about you and I. An after-the-war dream, if this war should ever end, +but like other dreams it has ended--in dreams. + +But I must hurry, for my little watch tells me that one hour of my five +has gone, and I have much to say. + +I could have married, and married brilliantly, but Poland held me back. +I did not know what I could do for my country, it all seemed so +hopeless, and yet I felt that perhaps one day ... and I felt I ought to +be single when that day came. + +It was not easy, my Karl, sometimes it was hard; one man there was, +Sergius was his Christian name; he loved me madly, and sometimes I +thought--but no matter, he is dead now, killed at Tannenberg, and +I--well, I will tell you more of my story. + +When the war broke out and clouded over that last beautiful summer in +1914 (I wonder will there ever be another like it in your lifetime, my +Karl? No, I don't think it can ever be quite the same after all this!), +we were all in the country. Alex was back from his school in Petrograd, +and my father kept him at home for the autumn term. + +How well I remember the excitement, the mobilization, the blessing of +the colours, the wave of patriotism which swept over the country; even +I, under the influence of the specious proclamations that were issued +broadcast by the Government, with their promises of reform, and redress +for Poland after the war was over, felt more Russian than Polish. Lies! +Lies! Lies! that was what the Government promises were, my Karl. + +Under the stress of war the rottenness of that great whited sepulchre, +Russia, feared the revival of the Polish spirit; it might have been +awkward, and so they lied with their tongues in their cheeks, and we +simple Poles believed them; the peasantry flocked to their depots, +little knowing whom they fought, but the proclamations which were read +to them told them they fought for Poland, and we women worked and +prayed for the success of Russian arms. + +Then the tide of war swept westward, and all day long and every day the +troops, and the guns and the motor-cars and the wagons rolled through +the village to the west. + +Guarded hints in the papers seemed to say that all was not well in +France, but France was so far away, and all the time the Russians were +going west through our village. Mighty Russia was putting forth her +strength, and the Austrian debacle was in full swing; these were great +days, my Karl, for a Russian! + +Then one day the long columns of men and all the traffic seemed to +hesitate in the sluggish westward flow, and then it stopped, and then +it began to go east. The weeks went on, and one day, very, very +faintly, there was a rumbling like a distant thunderstorm. It was the +guns! The front was coming back. + +Have you ever seen forest fires, my Karl? We had them every autumn in +our woods. If you have, then you know how all the small animals and the +birds, the rabbits and the foxes, and perhaps a wolf or two, and the +deer, and the thrushes and the linnets come out from the shelter of the +trees, fleeing blindly from the great peril, anxious only to save their +lives. So it was when the front came back. Herds of moujiks, the old +men, the women, the children, the poor little babies, struggled blindly +eastwards through the village. + +Pushing their miserable household gods on handcarts, or staggering +along with loads on their backs, and weary children dragging at their +arms, the human tide flowed eastwards, round our house, begged perhaps +a drink of water, and then wandered feverishly onwards. + +They knew not in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred where they were +going; their only destination was summed up in the words, "Away from +the Front"--away from the ominous rumbling which began to get louder, +away from that western horizon which was beginning to have a lurid glow +at nights, like a sunset prolonged to dawn. + +Then, as the Germans advanced more and more, the character of the tide +changed, the civilian element was outnumbered by the military. +Companies, battalions, brigades, sometimes in good order, sometimes in +no order, marched through the village. They would often halt for a +short time, and the officers would come up to the house, where my +mother and I gave them what we could. My father lived amongst his books +and accounts, and bemoaned the extravagance of the war. Then there were +the deserters, the stragglers, the walking wounded, the--but you know, +my Karl, what an army in retreat means. + +I must proceed with my story, for time moves relentlessly on. + +One day a desperately wounded officer, a young Lieutenant of the Guard, +a boy of twenty-five, was taken out of a motor ambulance to die. + +The ambulance had stopped opposite our gates, and lying on his +stretcher he had seen our garden, my garden. He knew he was to die, and +he had begged with tears in his eyes to the doctor that he might be +left in the garden. + +Who could refuse him? + +He died within two hours, amongst our flowers, with Alex and I at his +side. + +Before he died, he begged us, implored us, almost ordered us, to move +east before it was too late. + +We repeated his arguments to my father, but the latter was obdurate, +and he swore that a regiment of angels would not move him from his +ancestral home. So we made up our minds to stay. + +Things got worse and worse, and one day shells fell in the grounds and +we hid in the cellars. That night all our servants ran away, and my +father cursed them for cowards. Next day in the early morning we heard +machine guns fire outside the village, and then all was still. + +At six o'clock Alex, white-faced, came running into the house. He had +been down to the gates and he had seen the enemy. They were drunk, he +said, and going down the street firing the houses and shooting the +people as they came out. + +It seemed impossible and yet it was true. It was growing dark, when we +heard shouts and saw lights, and from the top of the house I saw a +crowd of singing and shouting soldiers, with pine torches, half +running, half walking up the drive. + +They massed in a body opposite the house. Paralysed with terror, I +looked down on the scene, and shuddered to see that every second man +seemed to have a bottle. One of them fired a shot at the house, and +next I remember a flood of light on the drive, and, in the circle of +light, my father standing with hand raised. What my father intended can +never be known, for, as he paused and faced the mob, a solitary shot +rang out, and he fell in a huddled heap. + +As he fell, a boyish voice from the door shouted "Murderers!" It was +Alex. With his little pistol I had given him for a birthday present in +his hand, he ran forward and, standing over my father's body, head +thrown back, he pointed his pistol at the mob and fired twice. A man +dropped, there was a flash of steel, the crowd surged forward, +and--and, oh! my Karl, they had murdered my beloved brother, my darling +Alex. + +The next moment they were in the house. I escaped from my window on to +the roof of the dairy, and from there down a water-pipe, across the +yard to an old hay-loft. For a long time they ran in and out of the +house, like ants, looting and pillaging; then there was a great shout, +and for some time not a soul came out of the house. I guessed they had +got into the cellars. At about midnight I saw that the house was on +fire. In a few minutes it was an inferno and the drunken soldiers came +pouring out, firing their rifles in all directions. + +I had found a piece of rope in the loft. One end I placed on a hook and +the other round my neck. I was close to the upper doors of the loft, +with a drop to the courtyard, and thus I stayed, for I feared that some +soldier, more sober than the rest, might explore the outhouses and find +me. I was watching this unearthly spectacle, and never, my best +beloved, did I conceive that man could become lower than the beasts, +but before my eyes it was so, when I noticed that the great gates at +the southern end of the courtyard were opening. As they opened I saw +that beyond them were drawn up a line of men. An officer gave an order, +and two machine guns were placed in position in the gate entrance; +round the guns lay their crews, and the seething mass of revellers saw +nothing. I felt that a fearful tragedy was impending, and as I held my +breath with anxiety the officer gave a short, sharp movement with his +hand and a hideous rattle rose above all noises. The pandemonium that +ensued was indescribable. Some ran helplessly into the burning house, +others ran round and round in circles, others tried to get into the +dairy; one man got upon its roof and fell back dead as soon as his head +appeared above the outer wall. The place was surrounded. It was +horrible. A few tried to rush for the gate, they melted away like snow +before the sun, as their bodies met the pitiless stream of bullets. I +suppose two hundred men were killed in as many seconds. The machine +guns ceased fire. Ambulance parties came into the yard, collected the +dead and living, and within half an hour there was not a soul save +myself in the place. Discipline had received its oblation of men's +lives. + +As an example, it was one of the most wonderful things I have ever +known in your wonderful army, my Karl, but it was terrible--terribly +cruel. + +I never knew what became of my mother, though I feel she is +dead--murdered, perhaps, like my father and my darling Alex, or perhaps +she hid somewhere in the house and remained petrified with terror till +the flames came. Next morning I left my hiding-place and walked about. +Not a German was to be seen, but in the wood was a huge newly-made +grave. It was all open warfare then, and this flying column, which was +miles in advance of the main body, had moved on. The house was a +smoking mass of ruins, but the farm buildings had been spared, and I +let out all the poor animals and turned them into the woods, so that +they might have their chance. + +All day I searched for my father and brother, but not a sign was to be +seen, and at dusk I stood alone, faint and broken, amongst the ruins of +my ancestors' home. As I looked at this scene of desolation and I +contrasted what had been my life twenty-four hours before and what it +was then, something seemed to snap in my brain, and for the first time +I cried. Oh! the blessed relief of those tears, my Karl, for I was a +poor weak, helpless girl, and alone with death and bitterness all round +me. Late that night I hid once more in my hay-loft and next morning I +left Inkovano for ever. Before I left, I made a vow. It is because of +this vow, my beloved, that I am to die. For I vowed by the body of our +Saviour and the murdered bodies of my family that, whilst life was in +me and the war was maintained, for so long would I work unceasingly for +the Allies against Germany. As the war ran its fiery course, I have +seen more and more that the Allies are the only ones who will do +anything for Poland, my beloved country, so have I been strengthened in +my vow. + +I struck south on my feet, as a poor girl--I, the daughter of a +princely family of Poland! No hardships were too great for me, provided +I could reach Allied territory. I travelled from village to village as +a singing girl, and once I was driven away with stones by villagers set +upon me by a fanatical priest. I came by Cracow, and across the +Carpathians, helped to pass the lines by a Hungarian Lieutenant--but I +tricked him of his reward; I was not ready for that sacrifice. Then +across the Hungarian plains to Buda-Pesth, where I remained three weeks, +singing in a third-rate cafe, to make some money for my next stage. But +I had to leave too soon--the old story!--this time it was the +proprietor's son. What beasts men are, my Karl! And yet to me you are +above all other men, a prince amongst your fellows, and never did I +love you so distractedly as that first night at the shooting-box, when +I read the scorn in your eyes as you rejected me. I have no shame in +telling you this. Am I not already in the grave? And then I must be +silent and can only await your coming. After many struggles, wearisome +to relate, I came to Hermanstadt, and there, whilst pushing my trade as +a dancer, came into touch with a Hungarian band of smugglers, working +across the mountain passes between Eastern Hungary and Roumania. I did +certain work for these men, and in return crossed with them one bitter +night in a thunderstorm into Roumania. At Bukharest I got a good +engagement, and when I had saved a thousand marks, I bought a passport +for five hundred, and came to Serbia, then staggering beneath the great +Austrian offensive. + +Once again I was in the horrors of a retreat, but I escaped, reaching +Valona, and crossed to Brindisi, by the aid of a French officer to whom +I told my story and who believed me. His name is Pierre Lemansour, and +he lives at Bordeaux. + +If fortune places him in your power, be kind to him, my Karl, for your +Zoe's sake. + +I came to Rome; and thence to Paris. I stayed here three weeks, singing +in a cabaret. Whilst here I tried to advance my plans in vain! What +could I, a poor girl, do for the Allies? The Embassy laughed at me, all +except one young attache who tried to make love to me. + +Then I thought of England--England, and her cold, hard islanders, +phlegmatic in movements, slow to hate, slow to move, but once +roused--ah! they never let go, these islanders! + +One of their poets has said: "The mills of God grind slowly, but they +grind exceeding small." + +That, my Karl, is like England. + +They are your most terrible enemies, and you know it. + +Do not be angry with me when you read this. + +For me it is Poland, for you Germany. + +Where I am going in a few hours there is no Poland, no Germany, no +England, no war. And perhaps, perhaps, no love. + +You and I, Karl, have loved, too well, perchance, but our love was +above even the love of countries. + +God made the love of men and women, then men and women created their +countries. + +I see the future before me, Karl, and I foresee that the struggle will +be at the end of all things, between England and Germany. One will be +in the dust. + +Thus, I crossed to England and was swallowed up in the great city of +London. England has always had a corner of her calculating heart for +the small nations, and in London there is a Polish organization. I +applied there, and one day I was taken to the Foreign Office, and found +myself alone with a great Englishman. His name was--No, I promised, and +it will not matter to you, for though he gave me my chance, I have no +love for him, and he will never be in your power. Even as I write these +words, he has probably taken a list from a locked safe and neatly ruled +a red line through the name Zoe Sbeiliez. I tell you they know +everything, these Englishmen. I told him my story, and then he asked me +whether I was prepared to do all things for the Allies. I told him I +was. He then said that I could go as agent for a back area in Belgium, +and my centre would be Bruges. I agreed, and asked him innocently +enough how I was to live in Bruges. He looked up from his desk and +said: + +"You will be given facilities to cross the Belgium-Holland frontier, as +a German singer." + +"And then?" I asked. + +"You will go to Bruges and make friends with an Army officer; he must +be high up on the staff." + +I guessed what he meant, but hoped against hope, and I said: "How?" + +I can still see his fish-like face, hair brushed back with scrupulous +care, as without a shadow of emotion he looked up, puffed his pipe, and +said in matter-of-fact tones: + +"You have a pretty face and an excellent figure. Need I say more?" + +I could have struck him in the face. I was speechless, my mind a whirl +of conflicting emotions. I was roused by the level tones again. + +"Is it too much--for Poland?" + +Oh! the cunning of the man; he knew my weakness. Mechanically, I +agreed. Certain details were settled, and he pressed a bell. Within +five minutes I was walking back to my lodgings. + +Thanks to a marvellous organization, which your police will never +discover, my Karl, within _three weeks_ I was singing on the Bruges +music-hall stage, and accepted without question as being what I was +not, a German artist from Dantzig. The men were soon round me, but I +had no use for youngsters with money. I wanted a man with information. +At last I found my man--the Colonel. He was on the Headquarters staff +of the XIth Army, the army of occupation in Belgium, when I first met +him. Subsequently he went back to regimental work; but by the time he +was killed (and to realize what a release that meant for me, you would +have had to have lived with him) I had established regular sources of +information concerning which I will say no more. Let your country's +agents find them if they can. This must I say for the Colonel: he was a +brute and a drunkard, but in his own gross way he loved me, and he +licked my boots at my desire, but I had to pay the price. You are a +man, and with all your loving sympathy you can but dimly realize what +this costs a woman. To me it was a dual sacrifice of honour and life, +but it was for Poland, and the memories of my parents and Alex steeled +me and strengthened my resolution, and so, and so, my Karl, I paid the +price. + +My special work was on the military side, and consisted in making +quarterly reports on the general dispositions of large bodies of +troops, the massing of corps for spring offensives, and big pushes and +hammer blows. + +Then you came into my life! When the Colonel used to go away it was my +habit to mix in the demi-mondaine society of Bruges, to try and live a +few hours in which I could forget--oh! don't think the worst! _That_ +sort of thing had no attraction for me. I didn't seek oblivion in that +direction! I had never even kissed anyone in Bruges until I kissed you +that first night we met at dinner--I was attracted to you from the very +first; the Colonel was due back in a few days, and I suddenly felt mad, +and kissed you. I suppose you put me down as one of the usual kind, out +to sell myself at a price varying between a good dinner and the rent of +a flat! You will now know that I had already mortgaged my body to +Poland. + +Then a few days later you will remember we went down for that wonderful +day in the forest, and for the first time, Karl, I began to see that I +was really caring for you, and a faint realization of the dangers and +impossibilities towards which we were drifting crossed my mind. + +Do you remember how silent I was on the drive back? In a fashion, my +Karl, I could foresee dimly a little of what was going to happen. I had +a presentiment that the end would be disaster, but I thrust the idea +away from me. Then came the day, just before one of your trips--oh! the +agony, my darling, of those days, each an age in length, when you were +at sea--when you told me at the flat that you loved me. + +How I longed to throw my arms round your neck and abandon myself to +your embraces, but I was still strong enough in those days to hold back +for both our sakes. + +Each time we were together I loved you more and more, and each time +when you had gone I seemed to see with clearer vision the fatal and +inevitable ending. + +But I refused to give up the first real happiness that had been mine in +my short and stormy life, and so I clung desperately to my idle dream. + +I prayed, I prayed for hours, Karl, that the war might end, for I felt +that in this lay our only hope--but what are one woman's prayers, a +sinful woman's prayers, to the Creator of all things, and the war +ground on in its endless agony just as it does to-night--Karl! Karl! +will this torture ever end? + +But I must hurry, there is still much to tell you, and Time goes on +relentlessly just like the war; it is only life that ends. Then came +the days I took you to the shooting-box for the first time, and that +night I broke down and, unashamed, offered you myself. Think not too +badly of your Zoe, my Karl; when a woman loves as I do, what is +convention? A nothing, a straw on the waters of life. I wanted you for +my own, passionately and desperately, for I feared that any moment the +end might come, and to die without having felt your arms around me +would have added a thousand tortures to death. Though I could have +welcomed death with joy when I saw the look of sorrowful contempt which +you cast upon me that night. Heavens above! but you were strong, my +Karl. I am not ugly, and yet you resisted, and I hated and loved you at +the same time--oh! I know that sounds impossible, but it isn't for a +woman. I slept little that night and, feeling that I could not look you +in the face in the morning, I left for Bruges before you got up. + +I felt that I could trust you not to try and find out the secret of the +shooting-box. + +What a relief it is to be able to tell you everything frankly, and how +I hated the perpetual game of deception which I had to play. + +I used to rack my brains for answers to your perpetual question, "Why +won't you marry me?" It was a desperate risk taking you down to the +forest, but you loved me so much that you never questioned the reasons +I gave you for my secrecy. I can tell you now, Karl, that in the early +days when I used to disappear from Bruges, it was to the shooting-box +that I went. + +But I will write more of that later. + +Did you suffer the same agony as I did before you left for Kiel, and +your pride would not allow you to come to me? You understand now, my +darling, why I could never marry you, and when the Colonel was killed +it became harder than ever. Once during that terrible interview before +you went up the Russian coast, I nearly gave way and promised to marry +you. But how could I? I had sworn my vow, and even to-night, though I +stand in the shadow of death, I do not regret my vow. + +It is inconceivable that I could have married you and carried on my +work--a spy on my husband's country--and if I ever thought of trying to +do this impossible thing, a vision which has partially come true always +restrained me. + +I saw a submarine officer disgraced and perhaps sentenced to death, +because his wife had been convicted as a spy! + +No! it was impossible. + +But if I could not marry you, I still wanted your love. + +Then you went up the Russian coast, and I heard of your return in a +submarine terribly wrecked. I guessed what you must have gone through, +and determined to see you, but when I entered your room and saw you +lying open-eyed on your bed, with no one but a clumsy soldier to nurse +you, I could have wept. You know the rest; you can perhaps hardly +remember how I led you to my car and took you down to the forest. Oh, +Karl, are you angry with me for what happened? Do you sometimes think +that I took an unfair advantage of your weakness? Please! Please +forgive me, you were so helpless, and I loved you so. + +Then came those unforgettable weeks whilst your boat was being +repaired, weeks which opened to me the door of the paradise I was never +to enter. Oh! Karl, I pray that all those memories may remain sweet and +unclouded all your life. Think of those days when you think of your +Zoe. Alas! they came to an end too soon, and you left for the Atlantic. +When you came back all was over; I had been caught at last. + +The evidence at the trial was clear enough. I have no complaints. I was +fairly caught. You remember the big open space in front of the +shooting-box? I do not mind saying now that five times have I been +taken up from there in an English aeroplane, and landed there again +after two days. Each time I took over a full report on military +affairs. Not a word of naval news, my Karl; you will remember I never +tried to find out U-boat information. I even warned you to be cautious. +Well, they caught me as I landed; the English boy who had flown me back +tried hard to save me, but it only cost him his own life. + +My first thought was of you, and there is not a jot of evidence against +you, save only your friendship for me. Remember this fact, if they +persecute you. Admit nothing, believe nothing they tell you, deny +everything; they have no evidence; but they are certain to try and trap +you. + +It was noble of you, Karl, to engage Monsieur Labordin in my defence, +but it was useless and may do you harm. + +I also know of your efforts with the Governor. I hoped nothing from +him, but what you did has made me ready to die; I tremble lest you are +compromised. + +If only I could feel absolutely certain that I have not dragged you +down in my ruin I should face the rifles with a smile. + +For my sake be careful, Karl. + +When it is all over, cause a few little flowers to cover my +resting-place, if this is permitted for a spy. Order them, do not place +them yourself; you _must not_ be compromised. + +I have told my story, and the end is very near. What else is there to +say? + +Mere words are empty husks when I try to express my thoughts of you. + +Do not sorrow for your Zoe, to whom you have given such happiness. + +I am not afraid to die and cross into the unknown, which, however +terrible it is, cannot be much worse than this awful war. + +Karl! Karl! how I long to kiss you and feel your strong arms crushing +the breath from this body of mine which has caused so much sorrow. + +Oh, Mother Mary, support me in this hour of trial. + +I cannot leave you! + +May the Saints guard you and keep you through all the perils of war, +and grant that we meet again in the perfect peace of eternity. + +For ever, Your devoted and adoring ZOE. + + + + +_Karl's Diary resumed._ + + +She is dead! + +They have killed her, my Zoe, my adorable darling, and I am still +alive--under close arrest. Perhaps they will shoot me too, in their +insatiable thirst for blood. Oh! if they would! Perhaps, my Zoe, if I +could only die and leave this useless world behind, I might find you in +the mysterious regions where your spirit now dwells. + +Oh! is it well with you, Zoe? Give me a sign--a little sign--that all +is well. I have knelt in prayer and asked for a sign, but nothing +comes--all is a blank, forbidding and mysterious. Is God angry with us, +my Zoe, that we sinned before Him? Surely, surely He understands. He +must have mercy on me if He is going to make me go on living. If this +is my punishment, I can bear it; I will live without you happily if +only I may know that all is well with you. + + * * * * * + +Your letter, Zoe! Can you read these words as I write; can you sense my +thoughts? Speak! Ah! I thought I heard your voice, and it was only the +laughter of a woman in the street. Your letter has filled me with joy +and sorrow. I read and re-read the wonderful words in which you say you +loved me from the beginning, but when you plead that I shall not turn +in loathing from your memory--with these words you smash me to the +ground. + +Most glorious woman, I never loved you so well and so passionately as +the day you stood at the trial, ringed round with the wolves, the +clever lawyers, the stolid witnesses, the ponderous books, the cynical +air of religious solemnity with which the machinery of the law thinly +cloaks its lust for blood--for a life. + +Even when my ears heard the sentence, I could not believe it would be +carried out. The firing party, the chair, the bandage. Oh, God! spare +me these awful thoughts. To think of your breasts lacerated by +the----Oh! this is unendurable! Stop, madman that I am! + + * * * * * + +I am calmer now; I have read your letter again and rescued the journal +from the grate into which I flung it. + +The fire was out; I am not sorry; my journal is all I have left, and in +its pages are enshrined small, feeble word-pictures of paradise on +earth. To read them is to catch an echo of the music we both loved so +well. Music! you were all music to me, my Zoe. Your voice, your +movements, your caresses all seemed to me to speak of music. + +I ask myself, I shall always ask myself until the last hour, whether +all that could be done to save you was done. I tried to telegraph to +the Kaiser for you, Zoe, but the wire never got further than Bruges +post office; they stopped it, and put me under arrest. It was only open +arrest, my darling, and on that last awful night I forced them to let +me see the Governor. I, Karl Von Schenk, knelt at his feet and begged +for your life. He simply said, "You are mad." I left the Palace under +close arrest. + +Was ever woman's nobleness of character so exemplified as in your life? +Be comforted, Zoe, that in all my black sorrow I cling desperately to +my pride in your strength. I long to shout abroad what you did and why +you would never marry me, to tell all the gaping world that when you +died a martyr to duty was killed. I am so unworthy of what you did for +me, my darling, and it tortures me with mental rendings to think that +whilst I prided myself in my strength of mind, I was dragging you +through the fires of hell. When I think of those six weeks we had +together, my brain says, "And they might have been months had you not +spurned her in the forest." + +Oh, Zoe! if the priests say truth and all things are now revealed to +you, forgive me for this act of mine. Come to me in spirit and give me +mental peace. + +[Illustration: "...when there was a blinding flash and the air +seemed filled with moaning fragments."] + +[Illustration: "When I put up my periscope at 9 a.m. the horizon seemed +to be ringed with patrols."] + +As I write like this, as if it was a letter that you might read, I am +comforted a little; I rely utterly on the hope, which I struggle to +change into belief, that you can read this and know my thoughts. + +For when I think that had things been otherwise you might have been +leaning over my chair at this moment, and running your cool fingers +through my stiff hair; when I think of this, my darling, the full +realization comes to me of the gulf which must divide us for some +uncertain period, and the lines of this page run mistily before my +eyes. + +Zoe, my Zoe, strange things have happened in this war; wives declare +they have seen their husbands, mothers have felt the presence of their +sons; if the powers permit, come to me once again, I implore you, and +give me strength to live my life alone. + + * * * * * + + +Examined before the Court of Inquiry to-day. Fools! can't they realize +that I don't care if they do shoot me? + +In the Mess, people avoid me. What do I care? Not one of them is worthy +to stand on the same soil that holds her beloved body. They have buried +her in the Castle grounds. In accordance with her wishes, I have +arranged for flowers. Perhaps one day when all this is over I may be +able to live here and tend the place where she sleeps, free at last +from all her cares. + + * * * * * + +At the Court of Inquiry they tried to cross-examine me on our life +together. Dolts! what do they aim at proving? That I loved you? I +hardly listened. When they finished the evidence, the President asked +me if I had anything to say! Anything to say! I felt like telling them +they were cogs in the most monstrous machine for manufacturing sorrow +and destruction that mankind had ever devised. I could have shaken my +fist in their solemn faces and shouted "Beasts! you murdered her! You +destroyed that most wonderful woman who lowered herself to love me." + +Actually there was a long silence, and then the Vice-President, Captain +Fruhlingsohn, said, "Speak; we wish you well." + +It was the first touch of sympathy, the only sign of humanity I had +received in all these awful days, and it touched my stubborn heart and +the longed-for tears flowed at last. + +I murmured: "Gentlemen, I am no traitor; but I loved her as my own +soul." + +"Dissolve the Court. Remove the prisoner." Like the clash of iron +gates, officialdom came into its own again. + + * * * * * + +So I am not to be shot! Not even imprisoned! "Don't fall in love with +enemy agents again!"--that summarized their verdict. + +Ha! Ha! Ha! It is all horribly funny. The real reason is that they need +me. I am a trained and skilful slaughterer on the seas; I am an +essential part of the great machine. And they haven't got any spares! I +was in the Mess yesterday when the English papers we get from Amsterdam +arrived. Oh! a pretty surprise awaited the first man who opened _The +Times_. These English had published the names of 150 U-boat commanders +they had caught. There they all were. Christian names and all complete. +The only thing missing was a blank space in which to fill in our names +when the time comes. + +Dinner was a silent meal last night, and next morning some rat of a +Belgian had posted the list on the gatepost of the Mess. The machine +has offered five hundred marks for his apprehension--how foolish; as if +by shooting him they would take any names off the long list. + + * * * * * + +I am to sail at dawn tomorrow. I shall not be sorry to get away for a +space from this place with its mingled memories of delight and death. + + * * * * * + +Back again, and I haven't written a word for three weeks. + +My billet last trip was off Finisterre. I sighted two convoys, but +there were destroyers there; they are so black and swift I don't go +near them. + +I don't want to die in a U-boat. It's not worth while. It is easy to +avoid these convoys. I dive and make a great fuss of attacking, then I +steer divergently. Nobody knows where the enemy is except me; I am the +only one who looks through the periscope--I take good care of that. And +then how I curse and swear when I announce that the convoy has altered +course, and there is no chance of getting in to attack. None of them +are so disappointed as I am! + +The mines get on my nerves, there is no way of dodging them, and Lord! +how they sprout on the Flanders coast. + +I am to go out in six days. It is very little rest. I believe they want +to kill me. But I won't die! Not I. + +I went to her grave yesterday for the first time. I had thought I +should weep, but I did not; in fact it left me quite unmoved. I feel +she's not really dead; she comes to me sometimes, always at night when +I am alone and when we are at sea. There's nothing very tangible, but I +catch an echo of her voice in the surge of the sea along the casing, or +the sound of the breeze as it plays along the aerial. And so I will not +die until she calls me, for up to the present her messages have told me +to live and endure. + + * * * * * + +A very awkward incident took place last night. We were off the Naze and +saw a steamer some distance away. + +We dived to attack. When we were about a mile away I had a look at her, +and something about her put me off. I half thought she was a decoy +ship, and I privately determined I would not attack. I steered a course +which brought me well on her quarter, and as soon as I saw that it was +impossible to get into position to fire I increased speed on the +engines and shook the whole boat in efforts which were ostensibly +directed to getting her into position. At length I eased speed and +bitterly exclaimed that my luck was out. + +The First Lieutenant suggested that we should give her gunfire, but I +pointed out that I had good reason to suspect her of being a wolf in +sheep's clothing, and as he had not seen her he could hardly question +my judgment. I was going forward, when I accidentally overheard the +Navigator and the Engineer talking in the wardroom. I listened. + +The Engineer said: "The Captain doesn't seem to have the luck he used +to command." + +"Or else he has lost skill!" replied Ebert. "We never fired a torpedo +at all last trip, and it looks as if we are following that precedent +this time." + +I had heard enough, and, without their realizing my presence, I +returned to the control room. I considered the situation, and came to +the conclusion that they suspected nothing, but it was evident that +their minds were running on lines of thought which might be dangerous. +I looked at my watch and saw that there was still two hours of daylight +left, and then decided to play a trick on them all. I relieved the +First Lieutenant at the periscope, and when a decent interval of about +half an hour had elapsed I saw a ship. This vessel of my imagination, a +veritable Flying Dutchman in fact, I proceeded to attack, and, after +about twenty minutes of frequent alterations of speed and course, I +electrified the boat by bringing the bow tubes to the ready. + +The usual delay was most artistically arranged, and then I fired. With +secret amusement I watched the two expensive weapons of war rushing +along, but destined to sink ingloriously in the ocean, instead of +burying themselves in the vitals of a ship. An oath from myself and an +order to take the boat to twenty metres. + +With gloomy countenance I curtly remarked: "The port torpedo broke +surface and then dived underneath her, the starboard one missed +astern." + +So far all had gone well, but ten minutes later I nearly made a fatal +error. We had been diving for several hours, the atmosphere was bad, +and as it was dusk I decided to come up, ventilate, and put a charge on +the batteries. I gave the necessary orders, and was on my way up the +conning tower to open the outer hatch. The coxswain had just announced +that the boat was on the surface, when a terrible thought paralysed me, +and I clung helplessly to the ladder trying to think out the situation. + +It had just occurred to me that as soon as the officers and crew came +on deck they would naturally look for the steamer we had recently fired +at; this ship in the time interval which had elapsed would still be in +sight. + +As I came down, the First Lieutenant was at the periscope, looking +round the horizon. Quickly I thrust the youth from the eyepiece, and, +as calmly as I could, said: "I thought I heard propellers." + +Half an hour later we surfaced for the night. I have been wondering +ever since whether they suspect, for the three of them were talking in +the wardroom after dinner and stopped suddenly when I came in. + +I must be careful in future. + + * * * * * + +I was sent for this morning by the Commodore's office, and handed my +appointment as Senior Lieutenant at the barracks Wilhelmshafen. + +No explanation, though I suspected something of the sort was coming, as +three days after we got in from my last trip I was examined by the +medical board attached to the flotilla. + +So I am to leave the U-boat service, and leave it under a cloud! It is +a sad come-down from Captain of a U-boat to Lieutenant in barracks, a +job reserved for the medically unfit for sea service. + +Am I sorry? No, I think I am glad. Life here at Bruges is one long +painful episode. No one speaks to me in the Mess. I am left severely +alone with my memories. The night before last I found a revolver in my +room, and attached to it was a piece of paper bearing the words: "From +a friend." + +Perhaps at Wilhelmshafen it will be different, and yet, when I went +down to the boat at noon and collected my personal affairs and stepped +over her side for the last time, I could not check a feeling of great +sadness. We had endured much together, my boat and I, and the parting +was hard. + + + + + _At Barracks_. + + +As I suspected when I was appointed here, my job is deadly to a degree, +and my main duty is to sign leave passes. + +Our great effort in France has failed, and now the Allies react +furiously. The great war machine is strained to its utmost capacity; +can it endure the load? + +Our proper move is to paralyse the Allied offensive by striking with +all our naval weight at his cross-channel communications. The U-boat +war is too slow, and time is not on our side, whilst a hammer blow down +the Channel might do great things. But we have no naval imagination, +and who am I, that I should advance an opinion? + +A discredited Lieutenant in barracks--that's all. + +Worse and worse--there are rumours of troubles in the Fleet taking +place under certain conditions. + +It is the beginning of the end! + +Last night the High Seas Fleet were ordered to weigh at 8 a.m. this +morning. + +A mutiny broke out in the _Koenig_ and quickly spread. + +By 9 a.m. half a dozen ships were flying the red flag, and to-day +Wilhelmshafen is being administered by the Council of Soldiers and +Sailors. + +There has been little disorder; the men have been unanimous in +declaring that they would not go to sea for a last useless massacre, a +last oblation on the bloodstained altars of war. + +Can they be blamed? Of what use would such sacrifice be? + +Yet to an officer it is all very sad and disheartening. + +I have seen enough to sicken me of the whole German system of making +war, and yet if the call came I know I would gladly go forth and die +when _tout est perdu fors l'honneur_. + +Such instincts are bred deep into the men of families such as mine. + +We approach the culmination of events. To-day Germany has called for an +armistice. It has been inevitable since our Allies began falling away +from us like rotten print. + +The terms will doubtless be hard. + + * * * * * + +Heavens above! but the terms are crushing! + +All the U-boats to be surrendered, the High Seas Fleet interned; why +not say "surrendered" straight out, it will come to that, unless we +blow them up in German ports. + +The end of Kaiserdom has come; we are virtually a republic; it is all +like a dream. + + * * * * * + +We have signed, and the last shot of the world-war has been fired. + +Here everything is confusion; the saner elements are trying to keep +order, the roughs are going round the dockyard and ships, looting +freely. + +"Better we should steal them than the English," and "There is no +Government, so all is free," are two of their cries. + +There has been a little shooting in the streets, and it is not safe for +officers to move about in uniform, though, on the whole, I have +experienced little difficulty. + +I was summoned to-day before the Local Council, which is run by a man +who was a Petty Officer of signals in the _Koenig_. He recognized me and +looked away. + +I was instructed to take U.122 over to Harwich for surrender to the +English. + +I made no difficulty; some one has got to do it, and I verily believe I +am indifferent to all emotions. + +We sail in convoy on the day after tomorrow; that is to say, if the +crew condescend to fuel the boat in time. Three looters were executed +to-day in the dockyard and this has had a steadying effect on the worst +elements. + + * * * * * + +I went on board 122 to-day, and on showing my authority which was +signed by the Council (which has now become the Council of Soldiers, +Sailors and Workmen), the crew of the boat held a meeting at which I +was not invited to be present. + +At its conclusion the coxswain came up to me and informed me that a +resolution had been carried by seventeen votes to ten, to the effect +that I was to be obeyed as Captain of the boat. + +I begged him to convey to the crew my gratification, and expressed the +hope that I should give satisfaction. + +I am afraid the sarcasm was quite lost on them. + + * * * * * + +We are within sixty miles of Harwich and I expect to sight the English +cruisers any moment. + +I wrote some days ago that I was incapable of any emotion. + +I was wrong, as I have been so often during the last two years. + +In fact, I have come to the conclusion that I am no psychologist--I +don't believe we Germans are any good at psychology, and that's the +root reason why we've failed. + +I do feel emotion--it's terrible; the shame--the humiliation is +unbearable. + +I wonder how the English will behave? What a day of triumph for them. + +The signalman has just come down and reported British cruisers right +ahead; it will soon be over. I must go up on deck and exercise my +functions as elected Captain of U.122, and representative of Germany in +defeat. One last effort is demanded, and then---- + + + + +_NOTE_ + + +_This is the last sentence in the diary. It is probable that he suddenly +had to hurry on deck and in the subsequent confusion forgot to rescue +his diary from the locker in which he had thrust it_. + +ETIENNE. + + + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Diary of a U-Boat Commander, by Anonymous + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DIARY OF A U-BOAT COMMANDER *** + +***** This file should be named 7947.txt or 7947.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/7/9/4/7947/ + +Produced by Eric Eldred, Marvin A. 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