diff options
| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 05:29:36 -0700 |
|---|---|---|
| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 05:29:36 -0700 |
| commit | 4fdaa4d40b184592b209460f540baa194a407d1c (patch) | |
| tree | 9fea970a237bb7dd8bf2ab721899acdf0f9d7af3 | |
| -rw-r--r-- | .gitattributes | 3 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 7405-h.zip | bin | 0 -> 268590 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 7405-h/7405-h.htm | 5704 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 7405-h/images/rd001.jpg | bin | 0 -> 25257 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 7405-h/images/rd001th.jpg | bin | 0 -> 4770 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 7405-h/images/rd087.jpg | bin | 0 -> 29246 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 7405-h/images/rd087th.jpg | bin | 0 -> 6323 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 7405-h/images/rd120.jpg | bin | 0 -> 28644 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 7405-h/images/rd120th.jpg | bin | 0 -> 5710 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 7405-h/images/rd137.jpg | bin | 0 -> 35339 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 7405-h/images/rd137th.jpg | bin | 0 -> 7950 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 7405-h/images/rd188.jpg | bin | 0 -> 31981 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 7405-h/images/rd188th.jpg | bin | 0 -> 5679 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 7405.txt | 4609 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 7405.zip | bin | 0 -> 90572 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | LICENSE.txt | 11 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | README.md | 2 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/rldpe10.txt | 4572 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/rldpe10.zip | bin | 0 -> 89973 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/rldpe10h.zip | bin | 0 -> 268008 bytes |
20 files changed, 14901 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/7405-h.zip b/7405-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a0292c7 --- /dev/null +++ b/7405-h.zip diff --git a/7405-h/7405-h.htm b/7405-h/7405-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f4d2cef --- /dev/null +++ b/7405-h/7405-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,5704 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1"> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Real Dope, by Ring Lardner</title> +<style type="text/css"> +<!-- +body {margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; background-color: white} +img {border: 0;} +h1,h2,h3 {text-align: center;} +.ind {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} +hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} +.ctr {text-align: center;} +--> +</style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Real Dope, by Ring Lardner + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most +other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions +whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of +the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at +www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have +to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. + +Title: The Real Dope + +Author: Ring Lardner + +Posting Date: February 12, 2015 [EBook #7405] +Release Date: February, 2005 +First Posted: April 24, 2003 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE REAL DOPE *** + + + + +Produced by Eric Eldred, William Flis and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/rd001.jpg"><img src="images/rd001th.jpg" alt="Well, Al, just as this was coming off her old man come at +me"></a> +<br> +<i>Well, Al, just as this was coming off her old man come at +me</i> +<br> +<a href="images/rd001.jpg">Click for larger image</a> +</p> + + + + <h1>THE REAL DOPE,</h1> + +<br> +<br> + + <h3>By</h3> +<br> +<br> + <h1>RING W. LARDNER</h1> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> + <h3>AUTHOR OF</h3> + + <h3>GULLIBLE'S TRAVELS, MY FOUR WEEKS IN FRANCE,</h3> + + <h3>TREAT 'EM ROUGH, ETC.</h3> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + + <h3>ILLUSTRATED BY</h3> + + <h3>MAY WILSON PRESTON</h3> + <h3>AND</h3> + <h3>M. L. BLUMENTHAL</h3> + + +<hr> + + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<h2>CHAPTER I</h2> + +<h3>AND MANY A STORMY WIND SHALL BLOW</h3> + +<p> +<i>On the Ship Board, Jan. 15.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well Al I suppose it is kind of foolish to be writeing you a +letter now when they won't be no chance to mail it till we get across the +old pond but still and all a man has got to do something to keep themself +busy and I know you will be glad to hear all about our trip so I might as +well write you a letter when ever I get a chance and I can mail them to you +all at once when we get across the old pond and you will think I have wrote +a book or something. +</p> + +<p> +Jokeing a side Al you are lucky to have an old pal thats going to see all +the fun and write to you about it because its a different thing haveing +a person write to you about what they see themself then getting the dope +out of a newspaper or something because you will know that what I tell you +is the real dope that I seen myself where if you read it in a newspaper +you know its guest work because in the 1st. place they don't leave the +reporters get nowheres near the front and besides that they wouldn't go +there if they had a leave because they would be to scared like the baseball +reporters that sets a mile from the game because they haven't got the nerve +to get down on the field where a man could take a punch at them and even +when they are a mile away with a screen in front of them they duck when +somebody hits a pop foul. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al it is against the rules to tell you when we left the old U. S. or +where we come away from because the pro German spy might get a hold of a +man's letter some way and then it would be good night because he would send +a telegram to where the submarines is located at and they wouldn't send no +1 or 2 submarines after us but the whole German navy would get after us +because they would figure that if they ever got us it would be a rich hall. +When I say that Al I don't mean it to sound like I was swell headed or +something and I don't mean it would be a rich hall because I am on board or +nothing like that but you would know what I am getting at if you seen the +bunch we are takeing across. +</p> + +<p> +In the 1st. place Al this is a different kind of a trip then the time I +went around the world with the 2 ball clubs because then it was just the 1 +boat load and only for two or 3 of the boys on board it wouldn't of made no +difference if the boat had of turned a turtle only to pave the whole bottom +of the ocean with ivory. But this time Al we have got not only 1 boat load +but we got four boat loads of soldiers alone and that is not all we have +got. All together Al there is 10 boats in the parade and 6 of them is what +they call the convoys and that means war ships that goes along to see that +we get there safe on acct. of the submarines and four of them is what they +call destroyers and they are little bits of shafers but they say they can +go like he--ll when they get started and when a submarine pops up these +little birds chases right after them and drops a death bomb on to them and +if it ever hits them the capt. of the submarine can pick up what is left of +his boat and stick a 2 cent stamp on it and mail it to the kaiser. +</p> + +<p> +Jokeing a side I guess they's no chance of a submarine getting fat off +of us as long as these little birds is on watch so I don't see why a man +shouldn't come right out and say when we left and from where we come from +but if they didn't have some kind of rules they's a lot of guys that +wouldn't know no better then write to Van Hinburg or somebody and tell them +all they know but I guess at that they could use a post card. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al we been at sea just two days and a lot of the boys has gave up the +ghost all ready and pretty near everything else but I haven't felt the +least bit sick that is sea sick but I will own up I felt a little home sick +just as we come out of the harbor and seen the godess of liberty standing +up there maybe for the last time but don't think for a minute Al that I +am sorry I come and I only wish we was over there all ready and could get +in to it and the only kick I got comeing so far is that we haven't got no +further then we are now on acct. that we didn't do nothing the 1st. day +only stall around like we was waiting for Connie Mack to waggle his score +card or something. +</p> + +<p> +But we will get there some time and when we do you can bet we will show +them something and I am tickled to death I am going and if I lay down my +life I will feel like it wasn't throwed away for nothing like you would die +of tyford fever or something. +</p> + +<p> +Well I would of liked to of had Florrie and little Al come east and see me +off but Florrie felt like she couldn't afford to spend the money to make +another long trip after making one long trip down to Texas and besides we +wasn't even supposed to tell our family where we was going to sail from +but I notice they was a lot of women folks right down to the dock to bid +us good by and I suppose they just guessed what was comeing off eh Al? Or +maybe they was all strangers that just happened to be there but I'll say I +never seen so much kissing between strangers. Any way I and my family had +our farewells out west and Florrie was got up like a fancy dress ball and I +suppose if I die where she can tend the funeral she will come in pink +tights or something. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al I better not keep on talking about Florrie and little Al or I will +do the baby act and any way its pretty near time for chow but I suppose you +will wonder what am I talking about when I say chow. Well Al that's the +name we boys got up down to Camp Grant for stuff to eat and when we talk +about food instead of saying food we say chow so that's what I am getting +at when I say its pretty near time for chow. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>On the Ship Board, Jan. 17.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well Al here we are out somewheres in the middle of the old pond +and I wished the trip was over not because I have been sea sick or anything +but I can't hardly wait to get over there and get in to it and besides they +got us jammed in like a sardine or something and four of us in 1 state room +and I don't mind doubleing up with some good pal but a man can't get no +rest when they's four trying to sleep in a room that wouldn't be big enough +for Nemo Liebold but I wouldn't make no holler at that if they had of left +us pick our own roomys but out of the four of us they's one that looks like +he must of bribed the jury or he wouldn't be here and his name is Smith and +another one's name is Sam Hall and he has always got a grouch on and the +other boy is O. K. only I would like him a whole lot better if he was about +1/2 his size but no he is as big as me only not put up like I am. His name +is Lee and he pulls a lot of funny stuff like this A. M. he says they must +of thought us four was a male quartette and they stuck us all in together +so as we could get some close harmony. That's what they call it when they +hit them minors. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al I always been use to sleeping with my feet in bed with me but you +can't do that in the bunk I have got because your knee would crack you in +the jaw and knock you out and even if they was room to strech Hall keeps +crabbing till you can't rest and he keeps the room filled up with cigarette +smoke and no air and you can't open up the port hole or you would freeze +to death so about the only chance I get to sleep is up in the parlor in a +chair in the day time and you don't no sooner set down when they got a life +boat drill or something and for some reason another they have a role call +every day and that means everybody has got to answer to their name to see +if we are all on board just as if they was any other place to go. +</p> + +<p> +When they give the signal for a life boat drill everybody has got to stick +their life belt on and go to the boat where they have been given the number +of it and even when everybody knows its a fake you got to show up just the +same and yesterday they was one bird thats supposed to go in our life boat +and he was sea sick and he didn't show up so they went after him and one of +the officers told him that wasn't no excuse and what would he do if he was +sea sick and the ship was realy sinking and he says he thought it was realy +sinking ever since we started. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al we got some crowd on the boat and they's two French officers along +with us that been giveing drills and etc. in one of the camps in the U. S. +and navy officers and gunners and a man would almost wish something would +happen because I bet we would put up some battle. +</p> + +<p> +Lee just come in and asked me who was I writeing to and I told him and he +says I better be careful to not write nothing against anybody on the trip +just as if I would. But any way I asked him why not and he says because all +the mail would be opened and read by the censor so I said "Yes but he won't +see this because I won't mail it till we get across the old pond and then I +will mail all my letters at once." +</p> + +<p> +So he said a man can't do it that way because just before we hit land the +censor will take all our mail off of us and read it and cut out whatever +he don't like and then mail it himself. So I didn't know we had a censor +along with us but Lee says we certainly have got one and he is up in the +front ship and they call that the censor ship on acct. of him being on +there. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al I don't care what he reads and what he don't read because I am not +the kind that spill anything about the trip that would hurt anybody or get +them in bad. So he is welcome to read anything I write you might say. +</p> + +<p> +This front ship is the slowest one of the whole four and how is that for +fine judgment Al to put the slowest one ahead and this ship we are on is +the fastest and they keep us behind instead of leaving us go up ahead and +set the pace for them and no wonder we never get nowheres. Of course that +ain't the censor's fault but if the old U. S. is in such a hurry to get men +across the pond I should think they would use some judgment and its just +like as if Hughey Jennings would stick Oscar Stanage or somebody ahead of +Cobb in the batting order so as Cobb couldn't make to many bases on a hit. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al I will have to cut it out for now because its pretty near time for +chow and that's the name we got up out to Camp Grant for meals and now +everybody in the army when they talk about food they call it chow. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>On the Ship Board, Jan. 19.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well Al they have got a new nickname for me and now they call +me Jack Tar and Bob Lee got it up and I will tell you how it come off. Last +night was one rough bird and I guess pretty near everybody on the boat were +sick and Lee says to me how was it that I stood the rough weather so good +and it didn't seem to effect me so I says it was probably on acct. of me +going around the world that time with the two ball clubs and I was right at +home on the water so he says "I guess we better call you Jack Tar." +</p> + +<p> +So that's how they come to call me Jack Tar and its a name they got for old +sailors that's been all their life on the water. So on acct. of my name +being Jack it fits in pretty good. +</p> + +<p> +Well a man can't help from feeling sorry for the boys that have not been +across the old pond before and can't stand a little rough spell but it +makes a man kind of proud to think the rough weather don't effect you when +pretty near everybody else feels like a churn or something the minute a +drop of water splashes vs. the side of the boat but still a man can't +hardly help from laughing when they look at them. +</p> + +<p> +Lee says he would of thought I would of enlisted in the navy on acct. of +being such a good sailor. Well I would of Al if I had knew they needed +men and I told Lee so and he said he thought the U. S. made a big mistake +keeping it a secret that they did need men in the navy till all the good +ones enlisted in the draft and then of course the navy had to take what +they could get. +</p> + +<p> +Well I guess I all ready told you that one of the boys in our room is named +Freddie Smith and he don't never say a word and I thought at 1st. it was +because he was a kind of a bum like Hall that didn't know nothing and +that's why he didn't say it but it seems the reason he don't talk more is +because he can't talk English very good but he is a Frenchman and he was a +waiter in the big French resturent in Milwaukee and now what do you think +Al he is going to learn Lee and I French lessons and Lee fixed it up with +him. We want to learn how to talk a little so when we get there we can make +ourself understood and you remember I started studing French out to Camp +Grant but the man down there didn't know nothing about what he was talking +about so I walked out on him but this bird won't try and learn us grammer +or how you spell it or nothing like that but just a few words so as we can +order drinks and meals and etc. when we get a leave off some time. Tonight +we are going to have our 1st. lesson and with a man like he to learn us we +ought to pick it up quick. +</p> + +<p> +Well old pal I will wind up for this time as I don't feel very good on +acct. of something I eat this noon and its a wonder a man can keep up at +all where they got you in a stateroom jammed in like a sardine or something +and Hall smokeing all the while like he was a freight engine pulling a +freight train up grade or something. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>On the Ship Board, Jan. 20.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Just a line Al because I don't feel like writeing as I was taken +sick last night from something I eat and who wouldn't be sick jammed in a +room like a sardine. +</p> + +<p> +I had a kind of a run in with Hall because he tried to kid me about being +sick with some of his funny stuff but I told him where to head in. He +started out by saying to Lee that Jack Tar looked like somebody had knocked +the tar out of him and after a while he says "What's the matter with the +old salt tonight he don't seem to have no pepper with him." So I told him +to shut up. +</p> + +<p> +Well we didn't have no French lesson on acct. of me being taken sick but +we are going to have a lesson tonight and pretty soon I am going up and +try and eat something and I hope they don't try and hand me no more of that +canned beans or whatever it was that effected me and if Uncle Sam wants his +boys to go over there and put up a battle he shouldn't try and poison them +first. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>On the Ship Board, Jan. 21.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well Al I was talking to one of the sailors named Doran to-day +and he says in a day or 2 more we would be right in the danger zone where +all the subs hangs out and then would come the fun and we would probably +all have to keep our clothes on all night and keep our life belts on and I +asked him if they was much danger with all them convoys guarding us and he +says the subs might fire a periscope right between two of the convoys and +hit our ship and maybe the convoys might get them afterwards but then it +would be to late. +</p> + +<p> +He said the last time he come over with troops they was two subs got after +this ship and they shot two periscopes at this ship and just missed it and +they seem to be laying for this ship because its one of the biggest and +fastest the U. S. has got. +</p> + +<p> +Well I told Doran it wouldn't bother me to keep my clothes on all night +because I all ready been keeping them on all night because when you have +got a state room like ours they's only one place where they's room for a +man's clothes and that's on you. +</p> + +<p> +Well old pal they's a whole lot of difference between learning something +from somebody that knows what they are talking about and visa versa. I and +Lee and Smith got together in the room last night and we wasn't at it more +than an hour but I learned more then all the time I took lessons from that +4 flusher out to Camp Grant because Smith don't waist no time with a lot of +junk about grammer but I or Lee would ask him what was the French for so +and so and he would tell us and we would write it down and say it over till +we had it down pat and I bet we could pretty near order a meal now without +no help from some of these smart alex that claims they can talk all the +languages in the world. +</p> + +<p> +In the 1st. place they's a whole lot of words in French that they's no +difference you might say between them from the way we say it like beef +steak and beer because Lee asked him if suppose we went in somewheres and +wanted a steak and bread and butter and beer and the French for and is +und so we would say beef steak und brot mit butter schmieren und bier and +that's all they is to it and I can say that without looking at the paper +where we wrote it down and you can see I have got that much learned all +ready so I wouldn't starve and when you want to call a waiter you call him +kellner so you see I could go in a place in Paris and call a waiter and get +everything I wanted. Well Al I bet nobody ever learned that much in I hour +off that bird out to Camp Grant and I'll say its some speed. +</p> + +<p> +We are going to have another lesson tonight but Lee says we don't want to +try and learn to, much at once or we will forget what we all ready learned +and they's a good deal to that Al. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al its time for chow again so lebe wohl and that's the same like good +by in French. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>On the Ship Board, Jan. 22.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well Al we are in what they call the danger zone and they's some +excitement these days and at night to because they don't many of the boys +go to sleep nights and they go to their rooms and pretend like they are +going to sleep but I bet you wouldn't need no alarm clock to make them jump +out of bed. +</p> + +<p> +Most of the boys stays out on deck most of the time and I been staying out +there myself most all day today not because I am scared of anything because +I always figure if its going to happen its going to happen but I stay out +because it ain't near as cold as it was and besides if something is comeing +off I don't want to miss it. Besides maybe I could help out some way if +something did happen. +</p> + +<p> +Last night we was all out on deck in the dark talking about this and that +and one of the boys I was standing along side of him made the remark that +we had been out nine days and he didn't see no France yet or no signs of +getting there so I said no wonder when we had such a he--ll of a censor +ship and some other guy heard me say it so he said I better not talk like +that but I didn't mean it like that but only how slow it was. +</p> + +<p> +Well we are getting along O. K. with the French lessons and Bob Lee told +me last night that he run across one of the two French officers that's on +the ship and he thought he would try some of his French on him so he said +something about it being a nice day in French and the Frenchman was tickled +to death and smiled and bowed at him and I guess I will try it out on them +the next time I see them. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al that shows we been learning something when the Frenchmans themself +know what we are talking about and I and Lee will have the laugh on the +rest of the boys when we get there that is if we do get there but for some +reason another I have got a hunch that we won't never see France and I +can't explain why but once in a while a man gets a hunch and a lot of times +they are generally always right. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>On the Ship Board, Jan. 23.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well Al I was just out on deck with Lee and Sargent Bishop and +Bishop is a sargent in our Co. and he said he had just came from Capt. +Seeley and Capt. Seeley told him to tell all the N. C. O. officers like +sargents and corporals that if a sub got us we was to leave the privates +get into the boats first before we got in and we wasn't to get into our +boats till all the privates was safe in the boats because we would probably +be cooler and not get all excited like the privates. So you see Al if +something does happen us birds will have to take things in hand you might +say and we will have to stick on the job and not think about ourselfs till +everybody else is taken care of. +</p> + +<p> +Well Lee said that Doran one of the sailors told him something on the quiet +that didn't never get into the newspapers and that was about one of the +trips that come off in December and it seems like a whole fleet of subs got +on to it that some transports was comeing so they layed for them and they +shot a periscope at one of the transports and hit it square in the middle +and it begun to sink right away and it looked like they wouldn't nobody get +into the boats but the sargents and corporals was as cool as if nothing was +comeing off and they quieted the soldiers down and finely got them into the +boats and the N. C. O. officers was so cool and done so well that when Gen. +Pershing heard about it he made this rule about the N. C. O. officer always +waiting till the last so they could kind of handle things. But Doran also +told Lee that they was some men sunk with the ship and they was all N. C. +O. officers except one sailor and of course the ship sunk so quick that +some of the corporals and sargents didn't have no time to get off on +acct. of haveing to wait till the last. So you see that when you read the +newspapers you don't get all the dope because they don't tell the reporters +only what they feel like telling them. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al I guess I told you all ready about me haveing this hunch that I +wouldn't never see France and I guess it looks now more then ever like my +hunch was right because if we get hit I will have to kind of look out for +the boys that's in my boat and not think about myself till everybody else +is O. K. and Doran says if this ship ever does get hit it will sink quick +because its so big and heavy and of course the heavier a ship is it will +sink all the sooner and Doran says he knows they are laying for us because +he has made five trips over and back on this ship and he never was on a +trip when a sub didn't get after them. +</p> + +<p> +Well I will close for this time because I am not feeling very good Al and +it isn't nothing I eat or like that but its just I feel kind of faint like +I use to sometimes when I would pitch a tough game in St. Louis when it was +hot or something. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>On the Ship Board, Jan. 23.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well I all ready wrote you one letter today but I kind of feel +like I better write to you again because any minute we are libel to hear +a bang against the side of the boat and you know what that means and I +have got a hunch that I won't never get off of the ship alive but will go +down with her because I wouldn't never leave the ship as long as they was +anybody left on her rules or no rules but I would stay and help out till +every man was off and then of course it would be to late but any way I +would go down feeling like I had done my duty. Well Al when a man has got a +hunch like that he would be a sucker to not pay no tension to it and that +is why I am writeing to you again because I got some things I want to say +before the end. +</p> + +<p> +Now old pal I know that Florrie hasn't never warmed up towards you and +Bertha and wouldn't never go down to Bedford with me and pay you a visit +and every time I ever give her a hint that I would like to have you and +Bertha come up and see us she always had some excuse that she was going +to be busy or this and that and of course I knew she was trying to alibi +herself and the truth was she always felt like Bertha and her wouldn't have +nothing in common you might say because Florrie has always been a swell +dresser and cared a whole lot about how she looked and some way she felt +like Bertha wouldn't feel comfortable around where she was at and maybe she +was right but we can forget all that now Al and I can say one thing Al she +never said nothing reflecting on you yourself in any way because I wouldn't +of stood for it but instead of that when I showed her that picture of you +and Bertha in your wedding suit she made the remark that you looked like +one of the honest homely kind of people that their friends could always +depend on them. Well Al when she said that she hit the nail on the head and +I always knew you was the one pal who I could depend on and I am depending +on you now and I know that if I am laying down at the bottom of the ocean +tonight you will see that my wishs in this letter is carried out to the +letter. +</p> + +<p> +What I want to say is about Florrie and little Al. Now don't think Al that +I am going to ask you for financial assistants because I would know better +then that and besides we don't need it on acct. of me having $10000 dollars +soldier insurence in Florrie's name as the benefitter and the way she is +coining money in that beauty parlor she won't need to touch my insurence +but save it for little Al for a rainy day only I suppose that the minute +she gets her hands on it she will blow it for widows weeds and I bet they +will be some weeds Al and everybody will think they are flowers instead of +weeds. +</p> + +<p> +But what I am getting at is that she won't need no money because with what +I leave her and what she can make she has got enough and more then enough +but I often say that money isn't the only thing in this world and they's +a whole lot of things pretty near as good and one of them is kindness and +what I am asking from you and Bertha is to drop in on her once in a while +up in Chi and pay her a visit and I have all ready wrote her a letter +telling her to ask you but even if she don't ask you go and see her any way +and see how she is getting along and if she is takeing good care of the kid +or leaving him with the Swede nurse all the while. +</p> + +<p> +Between you and I Al what I am scared of most is that Florrie's mind will +be effected if anything happens to me and without knowing what she was +doing she would probably take the first man that asked her and believe me +she is not the kind that would have to wait around on no st. corner to +catch somebody's eye but they would follow her around and nag at her till +she married them and I would feel like he--ll over it because Florrie is +the kind of a girl that has got to be handled right and not only that but +what would become of little Al with some horse Dr. for a father in law and +probably this bird would treat him like a dog and beat him up either that +or make a sissy out of him. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al old pal I know you will do like I ask and go and see her and maybe +you better go alone but if you do take Bertha along I guess it would be +better and not let Bertha say nothing to her because Florrie is the kind +that flare up easy and specially when they think they are a little better +then somebody. But if you could just drop her a hint and say that she +should ought to be proud to be a widow to a husband that died for Uncle Sam +and she ought to live for my memory and for little Al and try and make him +as much like I as possible I believe it would make her think and any way I +want you to do it for me old pal. +</p> + +<p> +Well good by old pal and I wished I could leave some thing to you and +Bertha and believe me I would if I had ever known this was comeing off this +way though of course I figured right along that I wouldn't last long in +France because what chance has a corporal got? But I figured I would make +some arrangements for a little present for you and Bertha as soon as I got +to France but of course it looks now like I wouldn't never get there and +all the money I have got is tied up so its to late to think of that and all +as I can say is good luck to you and Bertha and everybody in Bedford and I +hope they will be proud of me and remember I done my best and I often say +what more can a man do then that? +</p> + +<p> +Well Al I will say good by again and good luck and now have got to quit and +go to chow. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal to the last, JACK KEEFE. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>On the Ship Board, Jan. 24.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well this has been some day and wait till you hear about it and +hear what come off and some of the birds on this ship took me for a sucker +and tried to make a rummy out of me but I was wise to their game and I +guess the shoe is on the other foot this time. +</p> + +<p> +Well it was early this A. M. and I couldn't sleep and I was up on deck and +along come one of them French officers that's been on board all the way +over. Well I thought I would try myself out on him like Lee said he done so +I give him a salute and I said to him "Schones tag nicht wahr." Like you +would say its a beautiful day only I thought I was saying it in French but +wait till you hear about it Al. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al they ain't nobody in the world fast enough to of caught what he +said back to me and I won't never know what he said but I won't never +forget how he looked at me and when I took one look at him I seen we wasn't +going to get along very good so I turned around and started up the deck. +Well he must of flagged the first man he seen and sent him after me and it +was a 2d. lieut. and he come running up to me and stopped me and asked me +what was my name and what Co. and etc. and at first I was going to stall +and then I thought I better not so I told him who I was and he left me go. +</p> + +<p> +Well I didn't know then what was comeing off so I just layed low and I +didn't have to wait around long and all of a sudden a bird from the +Colonel's staff found me in the parlor and says I was wanted right away and +when I got to this room there was the Col. and the two Frenchmans and my +captain Capt. Seeley and a couple others so I saluted and I can't tell you +exactly what come off because I can't remember all what the Colonel said +but it was something like this. +</p> + +<p> +In the first place he says "Corporal Keefe they's some little matters +that you have got to explain and we was going to pass them up first on the +grounds that Capt. Seeley said you probably didn't know no better but this +thing that come off this A. M. can't be explained by ignorants." +</p> + +<p> +So then he says "It was reported that you was standing on deck the night +before last and you made the remark that we had a he--ll of a censor ship." +And he says "What did you mean by that?" +</p> + +<p> +So you see Al this smart alex of a Lee had told me they called the first +ship the censor ship and I believed him at first because I was thinking +about something else or of course I never would of believed him because +the censor ship isn't no ship like this kind of a ship but means something +else. So I explained about that and I seen Capt. Seeley kind of crack a +smile so then I knew I was O. K. +</p> + +<p> +So then he pulled it on me about speaking to Capt. Somebody of the French +army in the German language and of course they was only one answer to that +and you see the way it was Al all the time Smith was pretending to learn +us French he was learning us German and Lee put him up to it but when the +Colonel asked me what I meant by doing such a thing as talk German why of +course I knew in a minute that they had been trying to kid me but at first +I told the Colonel I couldn't of said no German because I don't know no +more German than Silk O'Loughlin. Well the Frenchman was pretty sore and I +don't know what would of came off only for Capt. Seeley and he spoke up and +said to the Colonel that if he could have a few minutes to investigate he +thought he could clear things up because he figured I hadn't intended to do +nothing wrong and somebody had probably been playing jokes. +</p> + +<p> +So Capt. Seeley went out and it seemed like a couple of yrs. till he came +back and he had Smith and Lee and Doran with him. So then them 3 birds was +up on the carpet and I'll say they got some panning and when it was all +over the Colonel said something about they being a dam site to much kidding +back and fourth going on and he hoped that before long we would find out +that this war wasn't no practicle joke and he give Lee and Smith a fierce +balling out and he said he would leave Capt. Seeley to deal with them +and he would report Doran to the proper quarters and then he was back on +me again and he said it looked like I had been the innocent victim of a +practicle joke but he says "You are so dam innocent that I figure you are +temperately unfit to hold on to a corporal's warrant so you can consider +yourself reduced to the ranks. We can't have no corporals that if some +comedian told them the Germans was now one of our allies they would try +and get in the German trenches and shake hands with them." +</p> + +<p> +Well Al when it was all over I couldn't hardly keep from laughing because +you see I come out of it O. K. and the laugh was on Smith and Lee and Doran +because I got just what I wanted because I never did want to be a corporal +because it meant I couldn't pal around with the boys and be their pals and +I never felt right when I was giveing them orders because I would rather be +just one of them and make them feel like we were all equals. +</p> + +<p> +Of course they wasn't no time on the whole trip when Lee or Doran or Smith +either one of them had me fooled because just to look at them you would +know they are the kind of smart alex that's always trying to put something +over on somebody only I figured two could play at that game as good as one +and I would kid them right back and give them as good as they sent because +I always figure that the game ain't over till the ninth inning and the man +that does the laughing then has got all the best of it. But at that I don't +bear no bad will towards neither one of them and I have got a good notion +to ask Capt. Seeley to let them off easy. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al this is a long letter but I wanted you to know I wasn't no corporal +no more and if a sub hits us now Al I can hop into a boat as quick as I +feel like it but jokeing a side if something like that happened it wouldn't +make no difference to me if I was a corporal or not a corporal because I am +a man and I would do my best and help the rest of the boys get into the +boats before I thought about myself. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>On the Ship Board, Jan. 25.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well old pal just a line to let you know we are out of the +danger zone and pretty near in port and I can't tell you where we land at +but everybody is hollering and the band's playing and I guess the boys +feels a whole lot better then when we was out there where the subs could +get at us but between you and I Al I never thought about the subs all the +way over only when I heard somebody else talk about them because I always +figure that if they's some danger of that kind the best way to do is just +forget it and if its going to happen all right but what's the use of +worrying about it? But I suppose lots of people is built different and +they have just got to worry all the while and they get scared stiff just +thinking about what might happen but I always say nobody ever got fat +worrying so why not just forget it and take things as they come. +</p> + +<p> +Well old pal they's to many sights to see so I will quit for this time. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>Somewheres in France, Jan. 26.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well old pal here we are and its against the rules to tell you +where we are at but of course it don't take no Shylock to find out because +all you would have to do is look at the post mark that they will put on +this letter. +</p> + +<p> +Any way you couldn't pronounce what the town's name is if you seen it +spelled out because it isn't nothing like how its spelled out and you won't +catch me trying to pronounce none of these names or talk French because I +am off of languages for a while and good old American is good enough for me +eh Al? +</p> + +<p> +Well Al now that its all over I guess we was pretty lucky to get across the +old pond without no trouble because between you and I Al I heard just a +little while ago from one of the boys that three nights ago we was attacked +and our ship just missed getting hit by a periscope and the destroyers went +after the subs and they was a whole flock of them and the reason we didn't +hear nothing is that the death bombs don't go off till they are way under +water so you can't hear them but between you and I Al the navy men say they +was nine subs sank. +</p> + +<p> +Well I didn't say nothing about it to the man who tipped me off but I had +a hunch that night that something was going on and I don't remember now if +it was something I heard or what it was but I knew they was something in +the air and I was expecting every minute that the signal would come for +us to take to the boats but they wasn't no necessity of that because the +destroyers worked so fast and besides they say they don't never give no +alarm till the last minute because they don't want to get everybody up at +night for nothing. +</p> + +<p> +Well any way its all over now and here we are and you ought to of heard +the people in the town here cheer us when we come in and you ought to see +how the girls look at us and believe me Al they are some girls. Its a good +thing I am an old married man or I believe I would pretty near be tempted +to flirt back with some of the ones that's been trying to get my eye but +the way it is I just give them a smile and pass on and they's no harm in +that and I figure a man always ought to give other people as much pleasure +as you can as long as it don't harm nobody. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al everybody's busier then a chicken with their head off and I haven't +got no more time to write. But when we get to where we are going I will +have time maybe and tell you how we are getting along and if you want drop +me a line and I wish you would send me the Chi papers once in a while +especially when the baseball training trips starts but maybe they won't be +no Jack Keefe to send them to by that time but if they do get me I will die +fighting. You know me Al. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +<br> +<br> +<br> +</p> + + +<h2>CHAPTER II</h2> + +<h3>PRIVATE VALENTINE</h3> + +<p> +<i>Somewheres in France, Feb. 2.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well Al here I am only I can't tell you where its at because the +censor rubs it out when you put down the name of a town and besides that +even if I was to write out where we are at you wouldn't have no idear where +its at because how you spell them hasn't nothing to do with their name if +you tried to say it. +</p> + +<p> +For inst. they's a town a little ways from us that when you say it its Lucy +like a gal or something but when you come to spell it out its Loucey like +something else. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al any way this is where they have got us staying till we get called +up to the front and I can't hardly wait till that comes off and some say it +may be tomorrow and others say we are libel to be here a yr. Well I hope +they are wrong because I would rather live in the trenches then one of +these billets where they got us and between you and I Al its nothing more +then a barn. Just think of a man like I Al thats been use to nothing only +the best hotels in the big league and now they got me staying in a barn +like I was a horse or something and I use to think I was cold when they had +us sleeping with imaginery blankets out to Camp Grant but I would prespire +if I was there now after this and when we get through here they can send us +up to the north pole in our undershirt and we would half to keep moping the +sweat off of our forehead and set under a electric fan to keep from +sweltering. +</p> + +<p> +Well they have got us pegged as horses all right not only because they give +us a barn to live in but also from the way they sent us here from where +we landed at in France and we made the trip in cattle cars and 1 of the +boys says they must of got us mixed up with the calvary or something. It +certainly was some experience to be rideing on one of these French trains +for a man that went back and fourth to the different towns in the big +league and back in a special Pullman and sometimes 2 of them so as we could +all have lower births. Well we didn't have no births on the French R. R. +and it wouldn't of done us no good to of had them because you wouldn't no +sooner dose off when the engine would let off a screem that sounded like a +woman that seen a snake and 1 of the boys says that on acct. of all the men +being in the army they had women doing the men's work and judgeing by the +noise they even had them whistleing for the crossings. +</p> + +<p> +Well we finely got here any way and they signed us to our different billets +and they's 20 of us in this one not counting a couple of pigs and god knows +how many rats and a cow that mews all night. We haven't done nothing yet +only look around but Monday we go to work out to the training grounds and +they say we won't only half to march 12 miles through the mud and snow to +get there. Mean time we set and look out the cracks onto Main St. and every +little wile they's a Co. of pollutes marchs through or a train of motor +Lauras takeing stuff up to the front or bringing guys back that didn't duck +quick enough and to see these Frenchmens march you would think it was fun +but when they have been at it a wile they will loose some of their pep. +</p> + +<p> +Well its warmer in bed then setting here writeing so I will close for this +time. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>Somewheres in France, Feb. 4.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well Al I am writeing this in the Y. M. C. A. hut where they +try and keep it warm and all the boys that can crowd in spends most of +their spare time here but we don't have much spare time at that because its +always one thing another and I guess its just as well they keep us busy +because every time they find out you are not doing nothing they begin +vaxinating everybody. +</p> + +<p> +They's enough noise in here so as a man can't hear yourself think let alone +writeing a letter so if I make mistakes in spelling and etc. in this letter +you will know why it is. They are singing the song now about the baby's +prayer at twilight where the little girl is supposed to be praying for her +daddy that's a soldier to take care of himself but if she was here now she +would be praying for him to shut up his noise. +</p> + +<p> +Well we was in the trenchs all day not the regular ones but the ones they +got for us to train in them and they was a bunch of French officers trying +to learn us how to do this in that and etc. and some of the time you could +all most understand what they was trying to tell you and then it was stuff +we learnt the first wk. out to Camp Grant and I suppose when they get so as +they can speak a few words of English they will tell us we ought to stand +up when we hear the Star spangle Banner. Well we was a pretty sight when +we got back with the mud and slush and everything and by the time they get +ready to call us into action they will half to page us in the morgue. +</p> + +<p> +About every 2 or 3 miles today we would pass through a town where some of +the rest of the boys has got their billets only they don't call it miles in +France because that's to easy to say but instead of miles they call them +kilometts. But any way from the number of jerk water burgs we went through +you would think we was on the Monon and the towns all looks so much like +the other that when one of the French soldiers gets a few days leave off +they half to spend most of it looking for land marks so as they will know +if they are where they live. And they couldn't even be sure if it was warm +weather and their folks was standing out in front of the house because all +the familys is just alike with the old Mr. and the Mrs. and pigs and a cow +and a dog. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al they say its pretty quite these days up to the front and the boys +that's been around here a wile says you can hear the guns when they's +something doing and the wind blows this way but we haven't heard no guns +yet only our own out to where we have riffle practice but everybody says as +soon as spring comes and the weather warms up the Germans is sure to start +something. Well I don't care if they start anything or not just so the +weather warms up and besides they won't never finish what they start unless +they start going back home and they won't even finish that unless they show +a whole lot more speed then they did comeing. They are just trying to throw +a scare into somebody with a lot of junk about a big drive they are going +to make but I have seen birds come up to hit in baseball Al that was going +to drive it out of the park but their drive turned out to be a hump back +liner to the pitcher. I remember once when Speaker come up with a couple +men on and we was 2 runs ahead in the 9th. inning and he says to me "Well +busher here is where I hit one a mile." Well Al he hit one a mile all right +but it was 1/2 a mile up and the other 1/2 a mile down and that's the way +it goes with them gabby guys and its the same way with the Germans and they +talk all the time so as they will get thirsty and that's how they like to +be. +</p> + +<p> +Speaking about thirsty Al its different over here then at home because when +a man in uniform wants a drink over here you don't half to hire no room in +a hotel and put on your nightgown but you can get it here in your uniform +only what they call beer here we would pore it on our wheat cakes at home +and they got 2 kinds of wine red and white that you could climb outside of +a bbl. of it without asking the head waiter to have them play the Rosery. +But they say the champagne is O. K. and I am going to tackle it when I get +a chance and you may think from that that I have got jack to throw away but +over here Al is where they make the champagne and you can get a qt. of it +for about a buck or 1/2 what you would pay for it in the U. S. and besides +that the money they got here is a frank instead of a dollar and a frank +isn't only worth about $.19 cents so a man can have a whole lot better time +here and not cost him near as much. +</p> + +<p> +And another place where the people in France has got it on the Americans +and that is that when they write a letter here they don't half to pay +nothing to mail it but when you write to me you have got to stick a 5 cent +stamp on it but judgeing by the way you answer my letters the war will be +all over before you half to break a dime. Of course I am just jokeing Al +and I know why you don't write much because you haven't got nothing to +write staying there in Bedford and you could take a post card and tell me +all the news that happened in 10 yrs. and still have room enough yet to say +Bertha sends kind regards. +</p> + +<p> +But of course its different with a man like I because I am always where +they is something big going on and first it was baseball and now its a +bigger game yet you might say but whatever is going on big you can always +count on me being in the mist of it and not buried alive in no Indiana X +roads where they still think the first bounce is out. But of course I know +it is not your fault that you haven't been around and seen more and it +ain't every man that can get away from a small town and make a name for +themself and I suppose I ought to consider myself lucky. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al enough for this time and I will write soon again and I would like +to hear from you even if you haven't nothing to say and don't forget to +send me a Chi paper when you get a hold of one and I asked Florrie to send +me one every day but asking her for favors is like rolling off a duck's +back you might say and its first in one ear and then the other. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>Somewheres in France, Feb. 7.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: I suppose you have read articles in the papers about the war +that's wrote over here by reporters and the way they do it is they find out +something and then write it up and send it by cablegrams to their papers +and then they print it and that's what you read in the papers. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al they's a whole flock of these here reporters over here and I guess +they's one for every big paper in the U. S. and they all wear bands around +their sleeves with a C on them for civilian or something so as you can +spot them comeing and keep your mouth shut. Well they have got their head +quarters in one of the towns along the line but they ride all over the camp +in automobiles and this evening I was outside of our billet and one of them +come along and seen me and got out of his car and come up to me and asked +if I wasn't Jack Keefe the White Sox pitcher. Well Al he writes for one of +the Chi papers and of course he knows all about me and has seen me work. +Well he asked me a lot of questions about this in that and I didn't give +him no military secrets but he asked me how did I like the army game and +etc. +</p> + +<p> +I asked him if he was going to mention about me being here in the paper and +he says the censors wouldn't stand for mentioning no names until you get +killed because if they mentioned your name the Germans would know who all +was here but after you are dead the Germans don't care if you had been here +or not. +</p> + +<p> +But he says he would put it in the paper that he was talking to a man that +use to be a star pitcher on the White Sox and he says everybody would know +who it was he was talking about because they wasn't such a slue of star +pitchers in the army that it would take a civil service detective to find +out who he meant. +</p> + +<p> +So we talked along and finely he asked me was I going to write a book about +the war and I said no and he says all right he would tell the paper that he +had ran across a soldier that not only use to be a ball player but wasn't +going to write a book and they would make a big story out of it. +</p> + +<p> +So I said I wouldn't know how to go about it to write a book but when I +went around the world with the 2 ball clubs that time I use to write some +poultry once in a wile just for different occasions like where the boys was +called on for a speech or something and they didn't know what to say so I +would make up one of my poems and the people would go nuts over them. +</p> + +<p> +So he said why didn't I tear off a few patriotic poems now and slip them to +him and he would send them to his paper and they would print them and maybe +if some of them was good enough somebody would set down and write a song to +them and probably everybody would want to buy it and sing it like Over +There and I would clean up a good peace of jack. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al I told him I would see if I could think up something to write and +of course I was just stalling him because a soldier has got something +better to do than write songs and I will leave that to the birds that was +gun shy and stayed home. But if you see in the Chi papers where one of the +reporters was talking to a soldier that use to be a star pitcher in the +American League or something you will know who they mean. He said he would +drop by in a few days again and see if I had something wrote up for him but +I will half to tell him I have been to busy to monkey with it. +</p> + +<p> +As far as I can see they's enough songs all ready wrote up about the war so +as everybody in the army and navy could have 1 a peace and still have a few +left over for the boshs and that's a name we got up for the Germans Al and +instead of calling them Germans we call them boshs on acct. of them being +so full of bunk. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al one of the burgs along the line is where Jonah Vark was born when +she was alive. It seems like France was mixed up in another war along about +a 100 yrs. ago and they was getting licked and Jonah was just a young gal +but she dressed up in men's coat and pants and went up to the front and led +the charges with a horse and she carried a white flag and the Dutchmens or +whoever they was fighting against must of thought it was a flag of truants +and any way they didn't fire at them and the French captured New Orleans +and win the war. The Germans is trying to pull the same stuff on our boys +now and lots of times they run up and holler Conrad like they was going to +give up and when your back is turned they whang away at you but they won't +pull none of that stuff on me and when one of them trys to Conrad me I will +perculate them with a bayonet. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al the boys is starting their choir practice and its good night and +some times I wished I was a deef and dumb mute and couldn't hear nothing. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>Somewheres in France, Feb. 9.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well Al I didn't have nothing to do last night and I happened to +think about that reporter and how he would be comeing along in a few days +asking for that poultry. +</p> + +<p> +I figured I might as well set down and write him up a couple verses because +them fellows is hard up for articles to send their paper because in the +first place we don't tell them nothing so they could write it up and when +they write it the censors smeers out everything but the question marks and +dots but of course they would leave them send poems because the Germans +couldn't make head or tale out of them. So any way I set down and tore off +3 verses and he says they ought to be something about a gal in it so here +is what I wrote: +</p> + +<p class="ind"> + <i>Near a year ago today</i><br> + <i>Pres. Wilson of the U. S. A.</i><br> + <i>had something to say,</i><br> + <i>"Germany you better keep away</i><br> + <i>This is no time for play."</i><br> + <i>When it come time to go</i><br> + <i>America was not slow</i><br> + <i>Each one said good by to their girl so dear</i><br> + <i>And some of them has been over here</i><br> + <i>since last year.</i> +</p> + +<p class="ind"> + <i>I will come home when the war is over</i><br> + <i>Back to the U. S. A.</i><br> + <i>So don't worry little girlie</i><br> + <i>And now we are going to Berlin</i><br> + <i>And when we the Kaiser skin</i><br> + <i>and the war we will win</i><br> + <i>And make the Kaiser jump out of his skin.</i> +</p> + +<p class="ind"> + <i>The ones that stays at home</i><br> + <i>Can subscribe to the liberty loan</i><br> + <i>And some day we will come home</i><br> + <i>to the girles that's left alone</i><br> + <i>Old Kaiser Bill is up against it</i><br> + <i>For all are doing their bit.</i><br> + <i>Pres. Wilson says the stars and stripes</i><br> + <i>Will always fight for their rights.</i> +</p> + +<p> +That's what I tore off and when he comes around again I will have it for +him and if you see it in the Chi papers you will know who wrote it up and +maybe somebody will write a song to it but of course they can't sign my +name to it unless I get killed or something but I guess at that they ain't +so many soldiers over here that can turn out stuff like that but what my +friends won't be pretty sure who wrote it. +</p> + +<p> +But if something does happen to me I wished you would kind of keep your +eyes pealed and if the song comes out try and see that Florrie gets some +jack out of it and I haven't wrote nothing to her about it because she is +like all other wifes and when somebodys else husband pulls something its +O. K. but if their own husband does it he must of had a snoot full. +</p> + +<p> +Well today was so rotten that they didn't make us go nowheres and I'll say +its got to be pretty rotten when they do that and the meal they give us +tonight wouldn't of bulged out a grandaddy long legs and I and my buddy +Frank Carson was both hungry after we eat and I suppose you will wonder +what do I mean by buddy. Well Al that's a name I got up for who ever you +pal around with or bunk next to them and now everybody calls their pal +their buddy. Well any way he says why didn't we go over to the Red X +canteen resturent and buy ourself a feed so we went over and its a little +shack where the Red X serves you a pretty good meal for 1 frank and that's +about $.19 cents and they don't try and make no profits on it but just run +them so as a man don't half to go along all the wile on what the army hands +out to you. +</p> + +<p> +Well they was 3 janes on the job over there and 2 of them would be safe +anywheres you put them but the other one is Class A and her old woman must +of been pie eyed when she left her come over here. Well Carson said she +belonged to him because he had seen her before and besides I was a married +man so I says all right go ahead and get her. Well Al it would be like +Terre Haute going after George Sisler or somebody and the minute we blowed +in she didn't have eyes for only me but I wasn't going to give her no +encouragement because we were here to kill Germans and not ladys but I +wished you could of seen the smile she give me. Well she's just as much a +American as I or you but of course Carson had to be cute and try to pull +some of his French on her so he says Bon soir Madam Moselle and that is +the same like we would say good evening but when Carson pulled it I spoke +up and said "If your bones is soir why don't you go and take the baths +somewhere?" Pretending like I thought he meant his bones were sore. Well +the little lady got it O. K. and pretty near laughed outright. You see Al +when a person has got rhuematism they go and take the baths like down to +Mudlavia so I meant if his bones was sore he better go somewheres like +that. So the little lady tried to not laugh on acct. of me being a stranger +but she couldn't hardly help from busting out and then I smiled at her back +and after that Carson might as well of been mowing the lawn out in Nobody's +Land. I felt kind of sorry the way things broke because here he is a man +without no home ties and of course I have all ready got a wife but Miss +Moselle didn't have no eyes for him and that's the way it goes but what can +a man do and Carson seen how it was going and says to me right in front of +her "Have you heard from your Mrs. since we been over?" And I didn't dast +look up and see how she took it. +</p> + +<p> +Well they set us up a pretty good feed and the little lady kept asking us +questions like how long had we been here and what part of the U. S. we come +from and etc. and finely Carson told her who I was and she popped her eyes +out and says she use to go to the ball games once in a wile in N. Y. city +with her old man and she didn't never think she would meet a big league +pitcher and talk to them and she says she wondered if she ever seen me +pitch. Well I guess if she had she would remember it specially in N. Y. +because there was one club I always made them look like a fool and they +wasn't the only club at that and I guess they's about 6 other clubs in the +American League that if they had seen my name in the dead they wouldn't +shed off enough tears to gum up the infield. +</p> + +<p> +Well when we come out she asked us would we come again and we said yes but +I guess its best for both she and I if I stay away but I said we would come +again to be polite so she said au revoir and that's like you would say so +long so I said au reservoir pretending like I didn't know the right way to +say it but she seen I was just kidding and laughed and she is the kind of a +gal that gets everything you pull and bright as a whip and her and I Would +make a good team but of course they's no use talking about it the way I am +tied up so even when I'm sick in tired of the regular rations I won't dast +go over there for a feed because it couldn't do nothing only harm to the +both of us and the best way to do with those kind of affairs is to cut it +out before somebody gets hurt. +</p> + +<p> +Well its time to hop into the feathers and I only wished it was feathers +but feathers comes off a chicken or something and I guess these matteresses +we got is made out to Gary or Indiana Harbor or somewheres. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>Somewheres in France, Feb. 11.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well Al they's several of the boys that won't need no motor +Laura to carry their pay for the next couple mos. and if you was to +mention champagne to them they would ask for a barrage. I was over to the +Y. M. C. A. hut last night and when I come back I wished you could of seen +my buddys and they was 2 of them that was still able to talk yet and they +was haveing a argument because one of them wanted to pore some champagne in +a dish so as the rats would get stewed and the other bird was trying to not +let him because he said it always made them mean and they would go home and +beat up their Mrs. +</p> + +<p> +It seems like one of the boys had a birthday and his folks is well off and +they had sent him some jack from the states to buy blankets and etc. with +it and he thought it would be a sucker play to load up with bed close when +spring was comeing so he loaded up with something else and some of the boys +with him and for 50 or 60 franks over here you can get enough champagne to +keep the dust layed all summer and of course some of the boys hadn't never +tasted it before and they thought you could bathe in it like beer. They +didn't pay no more tension to revelry this A. M. then if they was a corps +and most of them was at that and out of the whole bunch of us they was only +7 that didn't get reported and the others got soaked 2 thirds of their pay +and confined to their quarters and Capt. Seeley says if they was any more +birthdays in his Co. we wouldn't wind the celebration up till sunrise and +then it would be in front of a fireing squad. Well Al if the boys can't +handle it no better then that they better leave it alone and just because +its cheap that's no reason to try and get it all at once because the grapes +will still be growing over here yet when all us birds takes our teeth off +at night with our other close. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al the reporter that asked me to write up the verses ain't been around +since and probably he has went up to the front or somewheres and I am glad +of it and I hope he forgets all about it because in the first place I am +not one of the kind that is crazy to get in the papers and besides I am to +busy to be monking with stuff like that. Yes they keep us on the jump all +the wile and we are pretty well wore out when night comes around but a +man wouldn't mind it if we was learning something but the way it is now +its like as if we had graduated from college and then they sent us to +kindegarden and outside of maybe a few skulls the whole regt. is ready +right now to get up there in the trenches and show them something and I +only wished we was going tomorrow but I guess some of the boys would like +it to never go up there but would rather stay here in this burg and think +they was haveing a good time kidding with the French gals and etc. but +that's no business for a married man and even if I didn't have no family +the French gals I seen so far wouldn't half to shew me away and I been +hearing all my life what swell dressers they was but a scout for the Follys +wouldn't waist no time in this burg. +</p> + +<p> +But I'm sick in tired of the same thing day in and day out and here we been +in France 2 wks. and all we done is a little riffle practice and stuff +we had back home and get soping wet every day and no mail and I wouldn't +wonder if Florrie and little Al had forgot all about me and if Secty. +Daniels wired them that Jack Keefe had been killed they would say who and +the hell is he. +</p> + +<p> +So all and all they can't send us up to the front to quick and it seems +like a shame that men like I should be held back just because they's a +few birds in the regt. that can't put on a gas mask yet without triping +themself up. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>Somewheres in France, Feb. 13.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well Al wait till you hear this and I bet you will pop your eyes +out. I guess I all ready told you about Miss Moselle the little lady over +to the Red X canteen. Well I was over there the day before yesterday and +she wasn't around nowheres and I was glad of it because I didn't want to +see her and just dropped in there to get something to eat and today I was +in there again and this time she was there and she smiled when she seen me +and come up and begin talking and she asked me how I liked it and I said I +would like it a whole lot better if we was in the fighting and she asked me +if I didn't like this town and I said well no I wasn't nuts about it and +she said she didn't think I was very complementary so then I seen she +wanted to get personal. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al she knows I am a married man because Carson just as good as told +her so I didn't see no harm in kidding her along a wile so I give her a +smile and said well you know the whole town ain't like you and she blushed +up and says "Well I didn't expect nothing like that from a great baseball +pitcher" so you see Al she had been makeing inquirys about me. So I said +"Well they was only one pitcher I ever heard of that couldn't talk and +that was Dummy Taylor but at that they's a whole lot of them that if they +couldn't say my arm's sore they might as well be tongue tied." But I told +her I wasn't one of those kind and I guest when it came to talking I could +give as good as I sent and she asked me was I a college man and I kidded +her along and said yes I went to Harvard and she said what year so I told +her I was there 2 different yrs. and we talked along about this in that +and I happened to have them verses in my pocket that I wrote up and they +dropped out when I was after my pocket book and she acted like she wanted +to know what the writeing was so I showed them to her. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al I wished you could of seen how supprised she was when she read them +and she says "So you are a poet." So I said "Yes I am a poet and don't know +it" so that made her laugh and I told her about the reporter asking me to +write some poems and then she asked me if she could keep a hold of those +ones till she made out a copy of them to keep for herself and I said "You +can keep that copy and pretend like I was thinking of you when I wrote +them." Well Al I wished you could of seen her then and she couldn't say +nothing at first but finely she says tomorrow was valentine day and the +verses would do for a valentine so just jokeing I asked her if she wouldn't +rather have a comical valentine and she says those ones would do O. K. so +then I told her I would write her a real valentine for herself but I might +maybe not get it ready in time to give her tomorrow and she says she +realized it took time and any time would do. +</p> + +<p> +Well of course I am not going to write up nothing for her and after this +I will keep away from the canteen because it isn't right to leave her see +to much of me even if she does know I am married but if I do write her +something I will make it comical and no mushy stuff in it. But it does +seem like fate or something that the harder I try and not get mixed up in +a flirtation I can't turn around you might say but what they's some gal +poping up on my trail and if it was anybody else only Miss Moselle I +wouldn't mind but she is a darb and I wouldn't do nothing to hurt her for +the world but they can't nobody say this is my fault. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al I pretty near forgot to tell you that the boys is putting on a +entertainment over to the Y. M. C. A. Saturday night and they will be +singing and gags and etc. and they asked me would I give them a little talk +on baseball and I said no at first but they begged me and finely I give my +consent but you know how I hate makeing speeches and etc. but a man don't +hardly feel like refuseing when they want me so bad so I am going to give +them a little talk on my experiences and make it comical and I will tell +you about the entertainment when its over. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>Somewheres in France, Feb. 15.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well Al I just been over to the canteen and I give the little +lady the valentine I promised to write up for her and I wasn't going +to write it up only I happened to remember that I promised so I wrote +something up and I was going to make it comical but I figured that would +disappoint her on acct. of the way she feels towards me so here is what I +wrote up. +</p> + +<p> +<i>To Miss Moselle</i> +</p> + +<p> +<i>(Private)</i> +</p> + +<p class="ind"> + <i>A soldier don't have much time</i><br> + <i>To set down and write up a valentine</i><br> + <i>but please bear in mind</i><br> + <i>That I think about you many a time</i><br> + <i>And I wished I could call you mine</i><br> + <i>And I hope they will come a time</i><br> + <i>When I will have more time</i><br> + <i>And then everything will be fine</i><br> + <i>And if you will be my valentine</i><br> + <i>I will try and show you a good time.</i> +</p> + +<p> +Well after I had wrote it I thought I better have it fixed up like a +valentine and they's one of the boys in our Co. named Stoops that use to +be a artist so I had him draw me a couple of hearts with a bow and arrow +sticking through them and a few flowers on a peace of card board and +I coppied off the valentine on the card in printing and stuck it in a +envelope and took it over to her and I didn't wait for her to open it up +and look at it and I just says here is that valentine I promised you and +its 1 day late and she blushed up and couldn't say nothing and I come away. +Well Al she has read it by this time and I hope she don't take nothing +I said serious but of course she knows I am a married man and she can +read between the lines and see where I am trying to let her down easy and +telling her to not expect no more tensions from me and its just like saying +good by to her in a way only not as rough as comeing right out and saying +it. But I won't see her no more and its all over before it begun you might +say. +</p> + +<p> +Well we passed some German prisoners today and believe me we give them a +ride. Everybody called them Heinie and Fritz and I seen one of them giveing +me a look like he was wondring if all the U. S. soldiers was big stroppers +like I but I stuck out my tongue at him and said "What do you think you are +looking at you big pretzel" and he didn't dast say nothing back. Well they +was a fine looking gang and they's been a lot of storys going the rounds +about no soap in Germany. Well Al its all true. +</p> + +<p> +Well I finely got a letter from Florrie that is if you could call it a +letter and to read it you wouldn't never guess that she had a husband over +here in France and maybe never see him again but you would think I had went +across the st. to get a bottle of ketchup and all as she said about little +Al was that he needed a new pair of shoes and they's about as much news in +that as if she said he woke up in the night. And the rest of the letter +was about how good she was doing in the beauty parlor and for me not to +worry about her because she was O. K. only for a callous on her heel and I +suppose she will go to the hospital with it and here I am with so many of +them that if they was worth a frank a peace I could pay the Kaiser's gas +bill. And she never asked me did I need anything or how was I getting +along. And she enclosed a snapshot of herself in one of these here war +bride outfits and she looks so good in it that I bet she goes to church +every Sunday and asks god to prolongate the war. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>Somewheres in France, Feb. 16.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well Al they's a certain bird in this camp that if I ever find +out who he is they won't need no tonnages to carry him back when the war's +over. Let me tell you what come off tonight and what was pulled off on the +little lady and I and if you read about me getting in front of the court +marshall for murder you will know how it come off. +</p> + +<p> +I guess I all ready told you about the show that was comeing off tonight +and they asked me to make a little talk on baseball. Well they was as many +there as could crowd in and the band played and they was singing and gags +and storys and etc. and they didn't call on me till pretty near the last. +Well Al you ought to of heard the crowd when I got up there and it sounded +like old times to have them all cheering and clapping and I stepped to the +front of the platform and give them a bow and it was the first time I was +ever on the stage but I wasn't scared only at first. +</p> + +<p> +Well I had wrote out what I was going to say and learnt the most of it by +heart and here is what I give them only I won't give you only part of it +because it run pretty long. +</p> + +<p> +"Gentlemen and friends. I am no speech maker and I guess if I had to make +speeches for a liveing I am afraid I couldn't do it but the boys is anxious +I should say a few words about baseball and I didn't want to disappoint +them. They may be some of you boys that has not followed the great American +game very close and maybe don't know who Jack Keefe is. Well gentlemen I +was boughten from Terre Haute in the Central League by that grand old Roman +Charley Comiskey owner of the Chicago White Sox in 1913 and I been in the +big league ever since except one year I was with Frisco and I stood that +league on their head and Mr. Comiskey called me back and I was still +starring with the Chicago White Sox when Uncle Sam sent out the call for +men and I quit the great American game to enlist in the greatest game of +all the game we are playing against the Kaiser and we will win this game +like I have win many a game of baseball because I was to fast for them and +used my brains and it will be the same with the Kaiser and America will +fight to the drop of the hat and make the world safe for democracy." +</p> + +<p> +Well Al I had to stop 2 or 3 minutes while they give me a hand and they +clapped and hollered at pretty near everything I said. So I said "This +war reminds me a good deal like a incident that happened once when I was +pitching against the Detroit club. No doubt you gentlemen and officers has +heard of the famous Hughey Jennings and his eeyah and on the Detroit club +is also the famous Tyrus Cobb the Georgia Peach as he is called and I want +to pay him a tribute right here and say he is one of the best ball players +in the American League and a great hitter if you don't pitch just right to +him. One time we was in Detroit for a serious of games and we had loose the +first two games do to bad pitching and the first game Eddie Cicotte didn't +have nothing and the second game Faber was in the same boat so on this +morning I refer to Manager Rowland come up to me in the lobby of the Tuller +hotel and said how do you feel Jack and I said O. K. Clarence why do you +ask? And he said well we have loose 2 games here and we have got to grab +this one this P. M. and if you feel O. K. I will work you because I know +you have got them licked as soon as you walk out there. So I said all right +Clarence you can rely on me. And that P. M. I give them 3 hits and shut +them out and Cobb come up in the ninth innings with two men on bases and +two men out and Ray Schalk our catcher signed me for a curve ball but I +shook my head and give him my floater and the mighty Cobb hit that ball on +a line to our right fielder Eddie Murphy and the game was over. +</p> + +<p> +"This war is a good deal like baseball gentlemen because it is stratejy +that wins and no matter how many soldiers a gen. has got he won't get +nowheres without he uses his brains and its the same in baseball and the +boys that stays in the big league is the boys that can think and when this +war is over I hope to go back and begin where I left off and win a pennant +for Charley Comiskey the old Roman in the American League." +</p> + +<p> +Well Al they was a regular storm when I got through and I bowed and give +them a smile and started off of the platform but a sargent named Avery +from our Co. stopped me and set me down in a chair and says I was to +wait a minute and I thought of course they was going to give me a cup or +something though I didn't expect nothing of the kind but I hadn't no sooner +set down when Sargent Avery stepped up to the front of the platform and +says "Gentlemen I want to say to you that Private Jack Keefe the great +stratejest is not only a great pitcher and a great speech maker but he +is also a great poet and if you don't believe me I will read you this +beautiful valentine that he wrote to a certain lady that we all admire and +who was in the Red X canteen up till today when she went back to Paris to +resume other dutys." +</p> + +<p> +Well before I could make a move he read that crazy valentine and of course +they wasn't a word in it that I was serious when I wrote it and it was all +a joke with me only not exactly a joke neither because I was really trying +to let the little lady down easy and tell her good by between the lines +without being rough with it. But of course these boobs pretended like they +thought I meant it all and was love sick or something and they hollered +like a bunch of Indians and clapped and razed he--ll. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al I didn't get a chance to see Sargent Avery after it was over +because he blowed right out but I will see him tomorrow and I will find out +from him who stole that poem from Miss Moselle and I wouldn't be supprised +if the reason she blowed to Paris was on acct. of missing the poem and +figureing some big bum had stole it off her and they would find out her +secret and make things misable for her and the chances is that's why she +blowed. Well wait till I find out who done it and they will be one less +snake in this regt. and the sooner you weed those kind of birds out of the +army you will get somewheres and if you don't you won't. +</p> + +<p> +But the poor little lady Al I can't help from feeling sorry for her and +I only wished I could go to Paris and find her and tell her to not worry +though of course its best if she don't see me again but I'm sorry it had +to come off this way. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>Somewheres in France, Feb. 18.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well Al this may be the last letter you will ever get from me +because I am waiting now to find out what they are going to do with me and +I will explain what I mean. +</p> + +<p> +Yesterday A. M. I seen Sargent Avery and I asked him if I could talk to him +a minute and he says yes and I said I wanted to find out from him who stole +that valentine from Miss Moselle. So he says "Who is Miss Moselle?" So I +said "Why that little lady in the canteen that's blowed to Paris." So he +says "Well that little lady's name isn't Miss Moselle but her name is Ruth +Palmer and she is the daughter of one of the richest birds in N. Y. city +and they wasn't nobody stole no valentine from her because she give the +valentine to me before she left." So I said "What do you mean she give it +to you?" So he says "I mean she give it to me and when she give it to me +she said us birds was in the same Co. with a poet and didn't know it and +she thought it was about time we was finding it out. So she laughed and +give me the valentine and that's the whole story." +</p> + +<p> +Well Al I had a 20 frank note on me and I asked Sargent Avery if he +wouldn't like some champagne and he said no he wouldn't. But that didn't +stop me Al and I got all I could hold onto and then some and I snuck in +last night after lights out and I don't know if anybody was wise or not but +if they are its libel to go hard with me and Capt. Seeley said something +about the fireing squad for the next bird that cut loose. +</p> + +<p> +Well I reported sick this A. M. and they could tell to look at me that +it wasn't no stall so I'm here and the rest of the boys is gone and I am +waiting for them to summons me before the court marshall. But listen Al if +they do like Capt. Seeley said you can bet that before they get me I will +get some of these birds that's been calling me Private Valentine ever since +Saturday night. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +<br> +<br> +<br> +</p> + + +<h2>CHAPTER III</h2> + +<h3>STRAGETY AND TRAGEDY</h3> + +<p> +<i>Somewheres in France, March 2.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well Al if it rains a couple more days like its been they +will half to page the navy and at that its about time they give them +something to do and I don't mean the chasers and destroyers and etc. that +acts like convoys for our troop ships and throws them death bombs at the +U boats but I mean the big battle ships and I bet you haven't heard of a +supper dread 0 doing nothing since we been in the war and they say they +can't do nothing till the German navy comes out and that's what they're +waiting for. Well Al that's a good deal like waiting for the 30nd. of Feb. +or for Jennings to send his self up to hit for Cobb and they can say all +they want about the Germans being bullet proof from the neck up but they +got some brains and you can bet their navy ain't comeing out no more then +my hair. So as far as I can see a man being on a supper dread 0 is just +like you owned a private yatch without haveing to pay for the keep up and +when they talk about a man on a big U. S. battle ship in danger they mean +he might maybe die because he eat to much and no exercise. +</p> + +<p> +So if I was them I would send the big ships here so as we could use them +for motor Lauras and I guess they's no place in our whole camp where you +couldn't float them and I don't know how it is all over France but if they +was a baseball league between the towns where they have got us billeted the +fans would get blear eyed looking at the no game sign and if a mgr. worked +their pitchers in turn say it was my turn tomorrow and the next time my +turn come around some of little Al's kids would half to help me out of the +easy chair and say "Come on granpa you pitch this afternoon." +</p> + +<p> +Jokeing a side Al if I was running the training camps like Camp Grant back +home instead of starting the men off with the regular drills and hikes like +they give them now I would stand them under a shower bath with their close +on about 1/2 the time and when it come time for a hike I would send them +back and fourth across Rock River and back where they wasn't no bridge. And +then maybe when they got over here France wouldn't be such a big supprise. +</p> + +<p> +One of the boys has put a sign up on our billet and it says Noahs Ark on it +and maybe you have heard that old gag Al about the big flood that everybody +was drownded only Noah and his folks and a married couple of every kind of +animals in the world and they wasn't drownded because Noah had a Ark for +them to get in out of the wet. Well Noahs Ark is a good name for our dump +and believe me they haven't none of the animals been overlooked and we are +also going Noah one better and sheltering all the bugs and some of them is +dressed in cocky. +</p> + +<p> +Well I am in this war to the finish and you couldn't hire me to quit till +we have ran them ragged but I wished they had of gave us steel helmets wide +enough so as they would make a bumber shoot and I hope the next war they +have they will pick out Arizona to have it there. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>Somewheres in France, March 6.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well Al I suppose you have read in the communicates that comes +out in the paper where the Americans that's all ready in the trenchs has +pulled off some great stuff and a whole lot of them has been sighted and +give meddles and etc. by the Frenchmens for what they have pulled off +and the way they work it Al when one of the soldiers wrists his life or +something and pulls off something big like takeing a mess of prisoners and +bringing them back here where they can get something to eat the French +pins a meddle on them and sometimes they do it if you don't do nothing but +die only then of course they send it to your family so as they will have +something to show their friends besides snapshots of Mich. City. +</p> + +<p> +Well we was kidding back and fourth about it today and one of the smart +alex in our Co. a bird named Johnny Alcock that is always trying to kid +somebody all the time he said to me "Well I suppose they will half to build +more tonnages to carry all the meddles you will win back to the states." So +I said "Well I guess I will win as many of them as you will win." That shut +him up for a wile but finely he says "You have got enough chest to wear +a whole junk shop on it." So I said "Well I am not the baby that can't +win them." So he says "If you ever happen to be snooping around the bosh +trenchs when Fritz climbs over the top you will come back so fast that the +Kaiser will want to know who was that speed merchant that led the charge +and decorate you with a iron cross." So I said "I will decorate you right +in the eye one of these days." So he had to shut up and all the other boys +give him the laugh. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al jokeing to one side if I half to go back home without a meddle it +will be because they are playing favorites but I guess I wouldn't be left +out at that because I stand ace high with most of the Frenchmens around +here because they like a man that's always got a smile or a kind word for +them and they would like me still better yet if they could understand more +English and get my stuff better but it don't seem like they even try to +learn and I suppose its because they figure the war is in their country +so everybody should ought to talk their language but when you get down to +cases they's a big job on both our hands and if one of us has got to talk +the others language why and the he--ll should they pick on the one that's +hard to learn it and besides its 2 to I you might say because the U. S. and +the English uses the same language and they's nobody only the French that +talks like they do because they couldn't nobody else talk that way so why +wouldn't it be the square thing for them to forget theirs and tackle ours +and it would prolongate their lifes to do it because most of their words +can't be said without straining yourself and no matter what kind of a +physic you got its bound to wear you down in time. +</p> + +<p> +But I suppose the French soldiers figure they have got enough of a job on +their hands remembering their different uniforms and who to salute and etc. +and they have got a fine system in the French army Al because you wear +whatever you was before you got to be what you are that is sometimes. For +inst. suppose you use to be in the artillery and now you are a aviator you +still wear a artillery uniform part of the time and its like I use to pitch +for the White Sox and I guess I would be a pretty looking bird if I waddled +around in the mire here a wile with my old baseball unie on me and soon +people would begin to think I was drafted from the Toledo Mud Hens. +</p> + +<p> +Seriously Al sometimes you see 4 or 5 French officers comeing along and +they haven't one of them got the same color uniform on but they are all +dressed up like a Roman candle you might say and if their uniforms run when +they got wet a man could let them drip into a pail and drink it up for a +pussy cafe. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al the boys in our regt. is going to get out a newspaper and get it +out themself and it will be just the news about our regt. and a few gags +and comical storys about the different boys and they are going to get it +out once per wk. +</p> + +<p> +Corp. Pierson from our Co. that use to work on a newspaper somewheres is +going to be the editor and he wants I should write them up something about +baseball and how to pitch and etc. but I don't believe in a man waisting +their time on a childs play like writeing up articles for a newspaper but +just to stall him I said I would try and think up something and give it to +him when I had it wrote up. Well him waiting for my article will be like +me waiting for mail because I don't want nobody to take me for a newspaper +man because I seen enough of them in baseball and one time we was playing +in Phila. and I had them shut out up to the 8th inning and all of a sudden +Weaver and Collins got a stroke of paralysis and tipped their caps to a +couple ground balls that grazed their shoe laces and then Rube Oldring +hit one on a line right at Gandil and he tried to catch it on the bounce +off his lap and Bill Dinneen's right arm was lame and he begin calling +everything a ball and first thing you know they beat us 9 to 2 or something +and Robbins one of the Chi paper reporters that traveled with us wired a +telegram home to his paper that Phila. was supposed to be a town where a +man could get plenty of sleep but I looked like I had set up all the nights +we was there and of course Florrie seen it in the paper and got delirious +and I would of busted Robbins in the jaw only I wasn't sure if he realy +wrote it that way or the telegraph operator might of balled it up. +</p> + +<p> +So they won't be no newspaper articles in mine Al but I will be anxious to +see what Pierson's paper looks like when it comes out and I bet it will be +a fine paper if our bunch have the writeing of it because the most of them +would drop in a swoon if you asked them how to spell their name. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>Somewheres in France, March 9.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well Al I guess I all ready told you about them getting up +a newspaper in our regt. and Joe Pierson asked me would I write them +up something for it and I told him no I wouldn't but it seems like he +overheard me and thought I said I would so any way he was expecting +something from me so last night I wrote them up something and I don't know +if the paper will ever get printed or not so I will coppy down a part of +what I wrote to give you a idear of what I wrote. He wanted I should write +them up something about the stragety of baseball and where it was like the +stragety in the war because one night last month I give them a little talk +at one of their entertainments about how the man that used their brains in +baseball was the one that win just like in the army but I guess I all ready +told you about me giveing them that little talk and afterwards I got a +skinfull of the old grape and I thought sure they would have me up in front +of the old court marshall but they never knowed the difference on acct. of +the Way I can handle it and you take the most of the boys and if they see +a cork they want to kiss the Colonel. Well any way here is the article I +wrote up and I called it War and Baseball 2 games where brains wins. +</p> + +<p> +"The gen. public that go out to the baseball park and set through the games +probably think they see everything that is going on on the field but they's +a lot of stuff that goes on on the baseball field that the gen. public +don't see and don't know nothing about and I refer to what we baseball boys +calls inside baseball. +</p> + +<p> +"No one is in a better position to know all about inside baseball then a +man like I who have been a pitcher in the big league because it is the +pitchers that has to do most of the thinking and pull off the smart plays +that is what wins ball games. For inst. I will write down about a little +incidents that come off one time 2 yrs. ago when the Boston club was +playing against the Chicago White Sox where I was one of the stars when +the U. S. went into the war and then I dropped baseball and signed up a +contract with Uncle Sam to play for my country in the big game against the +Kaiser of Germany. This day I refer to I was in there giveing them the best +I had but we was in a tight game because the boys was not hitting behind me +though Carl Mays that was pitching for the Boston club didn't have nothing +on the ball only the cover and after the ball left his hand you could have +ran in the club house and changed your undershirt and still be back in time +to swing when the ball got up there. +</p> + +<p> +"Well it come along the 9th. inning and we was tied up with the score 2 and +2 and I had Larry Gardner swinging like a hammock all day but this time he +hit a fly ball that either Weaver or Jackson ought to of caught in a hollow +tooth but they both layed down and died on it and Gardner got on second +base. Well they was 2 men out and Hoblitzel was the next man up and the +next man after he was Scott their shortstop that couldn't take the ball +in his hand and make a base hit off a man like I so instead of me giveing +Hobby a ball to hit I walked him as we call it and then of course it was +Scott's turn to bat and Barry their mgr. hesitated if he should send Ruth +up to hit for Scott or not but finely he left Scott go up there and he was +just dragging his bat off his shoulder to swing at the first strike when I +whizzed the third one past him. +</p> + +<p> +"That is what we call inside baseball or stragety whether its in baseball +or war is walking a man like Hoblitzel that might be lucky enough to hit +one somewheres but if you don't give him nothing to hit how can he hit it +and then I made Scott look like he had been sent for but couldn't come. +Afterwards in the 11th. inning Duffy Lewis hit a ball that he ought to of +been traded for even swinging at it because it come near clipping his ear +lob but any way he swang at it and hit it for three bases because Jackson +layed down and died going after it and Lewis scored on a past ball and they +beat us 3 to 2. +</p> + +<p> +"So that is what we call stragety on the baseball field and it wins there +the same like in war and this war will be win by the side that has gens. +with brains and use them and I figure where a man that has been in big +league baseball where you can't never make a success out of it unless you +are a quick thinker and they have got a big advantage over men that's been +in other walks of life where its most all luck and I figure the army would +be a whole lot better off if all the officers and gens. had of played +baseball in the big leagues and learned to think quick, but of course they +ain't everybody that have got the ability to play baseball and stand the +gaff but the man that has got the ability and been through the ropes is +just that much ahead of the rest of them and its to bad that most of our +gens. is so old that they couldn't of knew much about baseball since it +become a test of brains like it is now. +</p> + +<p> +"I am afraid I have eat up a lot of space with my little Article on War +and Baseball so I will end this little article up with a little comical +incidents that happened dureing our training trip down in Mineral Wells, +Tex. a year ago this spring. The first day we was out for practice they +was a young outfielder from a bush league and Mgr. Rowland told him to go +out in right field and shag and this was his reply. 'I haven't never been +in this park before so you will half to tell me which is right field.' Of +course right field, is the same field in all parks and that is what made +the incidents so comical and some of the boys is certainly green when they +first break in and we have manys the laugh at their expense." +</p> + +<p> +That is what I wrote up for them Al and I wound it up with that little +story and I was reading over what I wrote and Johnny Alcock seen me reading +it and asked me to leave him see it so I showed it to him and he said it +was great stuff and he hadn't never dreamt they was that much stragety in +baseball and he thought if some of the officers seen it they would pop +their eyes out and they would want to talk to me and get my idears and see +if maybe they couldn't some of them be plied to war fair and maybe if I +showed them where it could I would get promoted and stuck on to the gen. +staff that's all made up from gens. that lays out the attacks and etc. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al Alcock is a pretty wise bird and a fine boy to if you know how to +take him and he seen right off what I was getting at in my article and +its true Al that the 2 games is like the other and quick thinking is what +wins in both of them. But I am not looking for no staff job that you don't +half to go up in the trenchs and fight but just lay around in some office +somewheres and stick pins in a map while the rest of the boys is sticking +bayonets in the Dutchmen's maps so I hope they don't none of the gens. see +what I wrote because I come over here to fight and be a soldier and carry a +riffle instead of a pin cushion. +</p> + +<p> +But it don't hurt nothing for me to give them a few hints once in a wile +about useing their brains if they have got them and if I can do any good +with my articles in the papers why I would just as leaf wear my fingers to +the bone writeing them up. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>Somewheres in France, March 13.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well Al I bet you will pretty near fall over in a swoon when +you read what I have got to tell you. Before you get this letter you will +probably all ready of got a coppy of the paper I told you about because it +come out the day before yesterday and I sent you a coppy with my article in +it only they cut a part of it out on acct. of not haveing enough space for +all of it but they left the best part of it in. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al somebody must of a sent a coppy to Gen. Pershing and marked up +what I wrote up so as he would be sure and see it and probably one of the +officers done it. Well that's either here or there but this afternoon when +we come in they was a letter for me and who do you think it was from Al. +Well you can't never even begin to guess so I will tell you. It was from +Gen. Pershing Al and it come from Paris where he is at and I have got it +here laying on the table and I would send it to you to look at only I +wouldn't take no chances of looseing it and I don't mean you wouldn't be +carefull of it Al but of course the mail has got to go across the old pond +and if the Dutchmens periscoped the boat the letter was on it it would be +good night letter and a letter like this here is something to be proud of +and hold onto it and keep it for little Al till he grows up big enough +to appreciate it. But they's nothing to prevent me from copping down the +letter so as you can read what it says and here it is. +</p> + +<p> +PRIVATE KEEFE, +</p> + +<p> +<i>Dear Sir</i>: My attention was called today to an article written by you +in your regimental paper under the title War and Baseball: Two Games Where +Brains Wins. In this article you state that our generals would be better +able to accomplish their task if they had enjoyed the benefits of strategic +training in baseball. I have always been a great admirer of the national +game of baseball and I heartily agree with what you say. But unfortunately +only a few of us ever possessed the ability to play your game and the few +never were proficient enough to play it professionally. Therefore the +general staff is obliged to blunder along without that capacity for quick +thinking which is acquired only on the baseball field. +</p> + +<p> +But I believe in making use of all the talent in my army, even among the +rank and file. Therefore I respectfully ask whether you think some of your +baseball secrets would be of strategic value to us in the prosecution of +this war and if so whether you would be willing to provide us with the +same. +</p> + +<p> +If it is not too much trouble, I would be pleased to hear from you along +these lines, and if you have any suggestion to make regarding a campaign +against our enemy, either offensive or defensive, I would be pleased to +have you outline it in a letter to me. +</p> + +<p> +By the way I note with pleasure that our first names are the same. It makes +a sort of bond between us which I trust will be further cemented if you can +be of assistance to me in my task. +</p> + +<p> +I shall eagerly await your reply. Sincerely, +</p> + +<p> +BLACK JACK PERSHING, +</p> + +<p> +Folies Bergere, Paris, France. +</p> + +<p> +That is the letter I got from him Al and I'll say its some letter and I +bet if some of these smart alex officers seen it it would reduce some of +the swelling in their chest but I consider the letter confidential Al and +I haven't showed it to nobody only 3 or 4 of my buddys and I showed it to +Johnny Alcock and he popped his eyes out so far you could of snipped them +off with a shears. And he said it was a cinch that Pershing realy wrote it +on acct. of him signing it Black Jack Pershing and they wouldn't nobody +else sign it that way because it was a private nickname between he and some +of his friends and they wouldn't nobody else know about it. +</p> + +<p> +So then he asked was I going to answer the letter and I said of course I +was and he says well I better take a whole lot of pains with my answer and +study up the situation before I wrote it and put some good idears in it +and if my letters made a hit with Gen. Pershing the next thing you know he +would probably summons me to Paris and maybe stick me on the war board so +as all I would half to do would be figure up plans of attacks and etc. and +not half to go up in the trenchs and wrist my life and probably get +splattered all over France. +</p> + +<p> +So I said "Well I am not looking for no excuse to get out of the trenchs +but its just the other way and I am nuts to get in them." So he says "You +must be." But he showed me where it would be a great experience to set in +at them meetings even if I didn't have much to say and just set there and +listen and hear their plans and what's comeing off and besides I would get +a chance to see something of Paris and it don't look like none of us only +the officers would be give leave to go there but of course I would go if +Black Jack wanted me and after all Al I am here to give Uncle Sam the best +I have got and if I can serve the stars and strips better by sticking pins +in a map then getting in the trenchs why all right and it takes more than +common soldiers to win a war and if I am more use to them as a kind of +adviser instead of carrying a bayonet why I will sacrifice my own feelings +for the good of the cause like I often done in baseball. +</p> + +<p> +But they's another thing Alcock told me Al and that is that the war board +they have got has got gens. on it from all the different countrys like the +U. S. and England and France and Spain and of course they are more French +gens. than anything else on acct. of the war being here in France so +probably they do some of their talking in French and Alcock says if he was +I he would get busy and try and learn enough French so as I could make +myself understood when I had something to say and of course they probably +won't nothing come out of it all but still and all I always says its best +to be ready for whatever comes off and if the U. S. had of been ready for +this war I wouldn't be setting here writeing this letter now but I would be +takeing a plunge in one of them Berlin brewry vats. +</p> + +<p> +Any way I have all ready picked enough French so as I can talk it pretty +good and I would be O. K. if I could understand it when they are talking it +off but to hear them talk it off you would think they seen their dinner at +the end of the sentence. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al I will tell you how things comes out and I hope Black Jack will +forget all about it and lay off me so as I can get into the real fighting +instead of standing in front of a map all the wile like a school teacher or +something and I all most wished I hadn't never wrote that article and then +of course the idear wouldn't of never came to Black Jack that I could help +him but if he does take me on his staff it will be some pair of Jacks eh Al +and enough to open the pot and if the Germans is sucker enough to stay in +they will get their whiskers cinched. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>Somewheres in France, March 14.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well this is the second letter I have wrote today and the other +one is to Gen. Pershing and I have still got the letter here yet Al and I +will coppy it down and tell you what I wrote to him. +</p> + +<p> +GEN. JACK PERSHING, +</p> + +<p> +Care Folies Bergere, Paris, France. +</p> + +<p> +<i>Dear Gen</i>: You can bet I was supprised to get a letter from you and +when I wrote that article I didn't have no idear that they would something +come out of it. Well Gen. I come into the army expecting to fight and lay +down my life if nessary and I am not one of the kind that are looking for +an out and trying to hide behind a desk or something because I am afraid to +go into the trenchs but I guess if you know something about baseball you +won't accuse me from not having the old nerve because they can't no man +hold onto a job in the big leagues unless a man is fearless and does their +best work under fire and especially a pitcher. But if you figure that I +can serve old glory better some other way then in the rank and files I am +willing to sacrifice myself like I often done in baseball. Anything to win +Gen. is the way I look at it. +</p> + +<p> +You asked me in your letter did I think some of my idears would help out +well gen. a man don't like to sound like they was bragging themself up but +this isn't no time for monking and I guess you want the truth. Well gen. I +don't know much about running a army and their plans but stragety is the +same if its on the battle field or the baseball diamond you might say and +it just means how can we beat them and I often say that the men that can +use their brains will win any kind of a game except maybe some college +Willy boy game like football or bridge whist. +</p> + +<p> +Well gen. without no bragging myself up I learned a whole lot about +stragety on the baseball field and I think I could help you in a good many +ways but before I tried to tell you how to do something I would half to +know what you was trying to do and of course I know you can't tell me in +a letter on acct. of the censors and of course they are Americans to but +they's a whole lot of the boys that don't mean no harm but they are gabby +and can't keep their mouth shut and who knows who would get a hold of it +and for the same reason I don't feel like I should give you any of my +idears by mail but if I could just see you and we could have a little talk +and talk things over but I don't suppose they's any chance of that unless I +could get leave off to run down to Paris for a wile and meet you somewheres +but they won't give us no leave to go to Paris but of course a letter from +you that I could show it to Capt. Seeley would fix it up and no questions +asked. +</p> + +<p> +So I guess I better wait till I hear from you along these lines and in the +mean wile I will be thinking the situation over and see what I can think up +and I all ready got some idears that I feel like they would work out O. K. +and I hope I will get a chance in the near future to have a little chat +with you. +</p> + +<p> +I note what you say about our name being both Jack and I was thinking to +myself that lots of times in a poker game a pair of jacks is enough to win +and maybe it will be the same way in the war game and any way I guess the +2 of us could put up a good bluff and bet them just as if we had them. Eh +gen? +</p> + +<p> +Respy, JACK KEEFE. +</p> + +<p> +That's what I wrote to him Al and he will get it some time tomorrow or the +next day and I should ought to hear from him back right away and I hope +he will take my hint and leave me stay here with my regt. where I can see +some real action. But if he summonses me I will go Al and not whine about +getting a raw deal. +</p> + +<p> +Well I happened to drop into a estaminet here yesterday and that's kind of +a store where a man can buy stuff to take along with him or you can get a +cup of coffee or pretty near anything and they was a girl on the job in +there and she smiled when I come in and I smiled at her back and she seen +I was American so she begin talking to me in English only she has got some +brogue and its hard to make it out what she is trying to get at. Well we +talked a wile and all of a sudden the idear come to me that I and her could +hit it off and both do the other some good by her learning me French and +I could learn her English and so I sprung it on her and she was tickled +to death and we called it a bargain and tomorrow we are going to have our +first lessons and how is that Al for a bargain when I can pick up French +without it costing me a nickle and of course they won't be only time for I +or 2 lessons before I hear from Black Jack but I can learn a whole lot in +2 lessons if she will tend to business but the way she smiled at me when +I come out and the looks she give me I am afraid if she seen much of me +it would be good night so I will half to show her I won't stand for no +foolishness because I had enough flirtations Al and the next woman that +looks X eyed at me will catch her death of cold. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/rd087.jpg"><img src="images/rd087th.jpg" alt="She smiled when I came in and I smiled back at her back"></a> +<br> +<i>She smiled when I came in and I smiled back at her back</i> +<br> +<a href="images/rd087.jpg">Click for larger image</a> +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>Somewheres in France, March 16.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well old pal it looks like they wouldn't be no front line +trenchs for this baby and what I am getting at is that the word was past +around today that Black Jack himself is comeing and they isn't no faulse +alarm about it because Capt. Seeley told us himself and said Gen. Pershing +would be here in a day or 2 to overlook us and he wanted that everybody +should look their best and keep themself looking neat and clean and clean +up all the billets and etc. because that was what Gen. Pershing was comeing +to see, how we look and how we are getting along and etc. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al that's what Capt. Seeley said but between you and I they's another +reason why he is comeing and I guess he figures they will be a better +chance to talk things over down here then if I was to go to Paris and I am +not the only one that knows why he is comeing because after supper Alcock +called me over to I side and congratulated me and said it looked like I was +in soft. +</p> + +<p> +Well I will be ready for him when he comes and I will be ready to pack up +and blow out of here at a minute's notice and I can't help from wondring +what some of these smart alex officers will say when they see what's +comeing off. So this won't be only a short letter Al because I have got a +lot to do to get ready and what I am going to do is write down some of my +idears so as I can read them off to him when he comes and if I didn't have +them wrote down I might maybe get nervous when I seen him and maybe forget +what I got to say because the boys says he's a tough bird for a man to see +for the first time till you get to know him and he acts like he was going +to eat you alive but he's a whole lot like a dog when you get to know him +and his bark is worse then a bite. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al how is that for news and I guess you will be prouder then ever of +your old pal before this business gets over with and I would feel pretty +good with everything breaking so good only I am getting worred about +Ernestine that little French gal in the estaminet and I wished now I hadn't +never seen her or made no bargain with her and I didn't do it so much for +what I could learn off of her but these French gals Al has had a tough time +of it and if a man can bring a little sunshine into their life he wouldn't +be a man unless he done it. So I was just trying to be a good fellow and +here is what I get for it because I caught her today Al with that look in +her eye that I seen in so many of them and I know what it means and I guess +about the best thing for me to do is run away from Gen. Pershing and go +over the top or something and leave the boshs shoot my nose off or mess me +up some way and then maybe I won't get pestered to death every time I try +and be kind to some little gal. +</p> + +<p> +I guess the French lessons will half to be cut out because it wouldn't be +square to leave her see me again and it would be different if I could tell +her I am married but I don't know the French terms for it and besides it +don't seem to make no difference to some of them and the way they act you +would think a wife was just something that come out on you like a sty and +the best way to do was just to forget it. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al as I say I caught her looking at me like it was breaking her heart +and I wouldn't be supprised if she cried after I come away, but what can +a man do about it Al and I have got a good notion to wear my gas mask +everywhere I go and then maybe I will have a little peace once in a wile. +</p> + +<p> +I must close now for this time and get busy on some idears so as Black Jack +won't catch me flat footed but I guess they's no danger of that eh Al? +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>Somewheres in France, March 18.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well old pal I am all set for Gen. Pershing when he comes and I +have got some of my idears wrote down just the bear outlines of them and +when he asks me if I have got any I can just read them off from my notes +like I was a lecture and here is a few of the notes I have got wrote down +so you can get some idear of what I am going to spring on him. +</p> + +<p> +1 +</p> + +<p> +In baseball many big league mgrs. before a game they talk it over in the +club house with their men and disgust the weakness of the other club and +how is the best way to beat them and etc. For inst. when I was pitching +for the White Sox and suppose we was going to face a pitcher that maybe he +was weak on fielding bunts so before the game Mgr. Rowland would say to us +"Remember boys this baby so and so gets the rabbis if you lay down bunts +on him." So we would begin laying them down on him and the first thing you +know he would be frothing at the mouth and triping all over himself and +maybe if he did finely get a hold of the ball he would throw it into the +Southren League or somewheres and before the other mgr. could get another +bird warmed up they would half to hire a crossing policeman to straiten out +the jam at the plate. And the same thing would be in war like in baseball +and instead of a army going into it blind you might say, why the gens. +ought to get together before the battle and fix it up to work on the other +side's weakness. For inst. suppose the Germans is weak on getting out of +the way of riffle bullets why that's the weapon to use on them and make a +sucker out of them. +</p> + +<p> +2 +</p> + +<p> +Getting the jump on your oppts. is more then 1/2 the battle whether its in +the war or on the baseball field and many a game has been win by getting +the jump on your oppts. For inst. that reminds me of a little incidents +that happened one day when we was playing the Washington club and I was +pitching against the notorious Walter Johnson and before they was a man out +Geo. McBride booted one and Collins and Jackson got a couple hits and we +was 2 runs to the good before they was a man out. Well Johnson come back +pretty good and the rest of the game the boys acted like they was scared of +him and kept one foot in the water bucket but we would of win the game at +that only in the 9th. inning Schalk dropped a third strike on me and Judge +and Milan hit a couple of fly balls that would of been easy outs only for +the wind but the wind raised havioc with the ball and they both went for +hits and they beat us 3 to 2 and that's the kind of luck I genally always +had against the Washington club. +</p> + +<p> +3 +</p> + +<p> +In baseball of course they's only nine men on a side and that is where a +gen. in the war has got the advantage on a mgr. in baseball because they's +no rules in war fair to keep a man from useing all the men he feels like +so it looks to me like a gen. had all the best of it because suppose the +other side only had say 50 thousand men in a certain section they's nothing +to prevent a gen. from going after them with a 100 thousand men and if he +can't run them ragged when you got to them 2 to I its time to enlist in the +G. A. R. All though as I say a mgr. can't only use nine men at a time in +baseball, but at that I know of incidents where a mgr. has took advantage +of the oppts. being shy of men and one time the St. Louis club came to Chi +and Jones was all crippled up for pitchers but the game was on our home +grounds so it was up to Mgr. Rowland to say if the game should be played +or if he should call it off on acct. of cold weather because it was in the +spring. But he knowed Jones was shy of pitchers so he made him play the +game and Jones used big Laudermilk to pitch against us and they beat us +5 and 2. +</p> + +<p> +4 +</p> + +<p> +Another advantage where a gen. got it on a baseball mgr. because in +baseball the game begins at 3 o'clock and the other club knows when its +going to begin just the same as your club so they can't neither club beat +the other one to it and start the game wile the other club is looking out +the window. +</p> + +<p> +But a gen. don't half to tell the other side when he is going to attack +them but of course they have observers that can see when you are going to +get ready to pull something. But it looks to me like the observers wouldn't +be worth a hoop and he--ll if the other gen. made his preparations at night +when it was dark like bringing up the troops and artilery and supplys and +etc. and in that way you could take them by supprise and make them look +like a fool, like in baseball I have often crossed the batter up and one +day I had Cobb 3 and 2 and he was all set to murder a fast one and I dinked +a slow one up there to him and the lucky stiff hit it on the end of his bat +just inside third base and 2 men scored on it. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +That's about the idears I am going to give him Al only of course I can talk +it off better then I can write it because wile I am talking I can think up +a lot more incidents to tell him and him being a baseball fan he will set +there pop eyed with his mouth open as long as I want to talk. But now I +can't hardly wait for him to get here Al and it seems funny to think that +here I am a $30 dollar a mo. doughboy and maybe in a few days I will be on +the staff and they don't have nobody only officers and even a lieut. gets 5 +or 6 times as much as a doughboy and how is that for a fine nickname Al for +men that all the dough they are getting is a $1 per day and the pollutes +only gets 2 Sues a day and that's about 2 cents so I suppose we ought to +call them the Wall St. crowd. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al you should ought to be thankfull you are there at home with your +wife where you can watch her and keep your eyes on her and find out what +she is doing with her spare time though I guess at that they wouldn't be +much danger of old Bertha running a muck and I don't suppose she would half +to wear bob wire entanglements to keep Jack the Kisser away but when a man +has got a wife like Florrie and here I am over here and there she is over +there well Al a man don't get to sleep no quicker nights from thinking +about it and I lay there night after night and wonder what and the he--ll +can she be doing and she might be doing most anything Al and they's only +the one thing that its a cinch she ain't doing and that's writeing a letter +to me and a man would pretty near think she had forgot my first name but +even at that she could set down and write to me and start it out Dear +Husband. +</p> + +<p> +But the way she acts why even if they was any fun over here I wouldn't be +haveing it and suppose I do get on Gen. Pershing's staff and get a lieut. +or something and write and tell her about it, why she would probably wait +till a legal holiday to answer me back and then she would write about 10 +words and say she went to the Palace last week and when she come out after +the show it was raining. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al you can't blame a man for anything he pulls off when their wife +acts like that and if I give that little Ernestine a smack the next time +she bulges her lips out at me whose fault is it Al? Not mine. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>Somewheres in France, March 20.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well Al the sooner the Germans starts their drive let them come +and I only hope we are up there when they start it and believe me Al if +they come at us with the gas I will dive into it with my mouth wide open +and see how much of it I can get because they's no use Al of a man trying +to live with the kind of luck I have got and I'm sick in tired of it all. +</p> + +<p> +Wait till you hear what come off today Al. In the first place my feet's +been going back on me for a long wile and they walked us all over France +yesterday and this A. M. I couldn't hardly get my shoes on and they was +going out for riffle practice and I don't need no riffle practice Al and +besides that I couldn't of stood it so I got excused and I set around a +wile after the rest of the bunch was gone and finely my feet got feeling a +little better and I walked over to the estaminet where that little gal's +at to see if maybe I couldn't brighten things up a little for her and sure +enough she was all smiles when she seen me and we talked a wile about this +in that and she tried to get personal and called me cherry which is like +we say dearie and finely I made the remark that I didn't think we would +be here much longer and then I seen she was going to blubber so I kind of +petted her hand and stroked her hair and she poked her lips out and I give +her a smack Al but just like you would kiss a kid or something after they +fell down and hurt themself. Well Al just as this was comeing off the door +to the other part of the joint opened up and in come her old man and seen +it and I thought all Frenchmens talked fast Al but this old bird made them +sound like a impediment and he come at me and if he hadn't been so old I +would of crowned him but of course I couldn't do nothing only let him rave +and finely I felt kind of sorry for him and I had a 20 frank note on me so +I shoved it at him and it struck him dumb Al and I got out of there and +come back to the Ark and it seems like I had been away a whole lot longer +then I meant to and any way I hadn't hardly no more then got my shoes off +and layed down when in come some of the boys. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al what do you think? Gen. Pershing was out there to the riffle +practice to overlook them and I suppose he heard we was going to be out +there and he went out there to be sure and catch me and he was makeing a +visit around the camp and instead of him stopping here he went out there to +see us and instead of me being out there Al, here I was mixed up in a riot +with an old goof over nothing you might say and Black Jack wondring where +and the he--ll could I be at because Alcock told me he noticed him looking +around like he mist somebody. And now he's on his way back to Paris and +probably sore as a boil and I can't do nothing only wait to hear from him +and probably he will just decide to pass me up. +</p> + +<p> +And the worst of it is Al that when they brought us the mail they was 2 +letters for me from Florrie and I couldn't of asked for nicer letters if I +had wrote them myself only why and the he--ll couldn't she of wrote them a +day sooner and I would of no more thought of getting excused today then fly +because if I had knew how my Mrs. mist me and how much she cares I wouldn't +of been waisting no time on no Ernestine but its to late now and Black +Jack's gone and so is my 20 franks and believe me Al 20 frank notes is tray +pew over here. I'll say they are. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +<br> +<br> +<br> +</p> + +<h2>CHAPTER IV</h2> + +<h3>DECORATED</h3> + +<p> +<i>Somewheres in France, April 2.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well Al yesterday was April Fool and you ought to seen what I +pulled on 1 of the boys Johnny Alcock and it was a screen and some of the +boys is still laughing over it yet but he is I of the kind that he can't +see a joke at their own expenses and he swelled up like a poison pup and +now he is talking about he will get even with me, but the bird that gets +even with me will half to get up a long time before revelry eh Al. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al I will tell you what I pulled on him and I bet you will bust your +sides. Well it seems like Johnny has got a girl in his home town Riverside, +Ill. near Chi and that is he don't know if he has got her or not because +him and another bird was both makeing a play for her, but before he come +away she told him to not worry, but the other bird got himself excused out +of the draft with a cold sore or something and is still there in the old +town yet where he can go and call on her every night and she is libel to +figure that maybe she better marry him so as she can have some of her +evenings to herself and any way she might as well of told Johnny to not +scratch himself over here as to not worry because for some reason another +the gal didn't write to him last month at lease he didn't get no letters +and maybe they got lost or she had writers cramps or something but any way +every time the mail come and nothing for him he looked like he had been +caught off second base. +</p> + +<p> +Well the day before yesterday he was reading 1 of the letters he got from +this baby 5 or 6 wks. ago on acct. of not haveing nothing better to read +and he left the envelope lay on the floor and I was going to hand it back +to him but I happened to think that yesterday would be April Fool so I kept +a hold of the envelope and I got a piece of paper and wrote April Fool on +it and stuck it in the envelope and fixed it up so as it would look like a +new letter and I handed it to him yesterday like it was mail that had only +just came for him and you ought to see him when he tore it open and didn't +find nothing only April Fool in it. At first he couldn't say nothing but +finely he says "That's some comedy Keefe. You ought to be a end man in the +stretcher bearers minstrels" and he didn't crack a smile so I said "What's +the matter with you can't you take a joke?" So he said "What I would like +to take is a crack at your jaw." So I said "Well it's to bad your arms is +both paralyzed." Well Al they's nothing the matter with his arms and I was +just kidding him because as far as him hitting anybody is conserned I was +just as safe as the gen. staff because he ain't much bigger than a cutie +and for him to reach my jaw he would half to join the aviation. +</p> + +<p> +Well of course he didn't start nothing but just said he would get back +at me if it took him till the duration of the war and I told some of the +other boys about putting it over on him and they couldn't hardly help from +smileing but he acts like a baby and don't speak to me and I suppose maybe +he thinks that makes me feel bad but I got to be 25 yrs. old before I ever +seen him and if his head was blowed off tomorrow A. M. I would try and show +up for my 3 meals a day if you could call them that. +</p> + +<p> +But speaking about April Fool Al I just stopped writeing to try and light +a cigarette with 1 of these here French matchs and every one of them is a +April Fool and I guess the parents of the kids over here don't never half +to worry about them smokeing to young because even if they had a box of +cigarettes hid in their cradle they would be of age before they would run +across a match that lit and I wouldn't be scared to give little Al a bunch +and turn him loose in a bbl. of gasoline. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al I suppose you been reading in the papers about the Dutchmens +starting a drive vs. the English up in the northren part of the section and +at first it looked like the English was going to leave them walk into the +Gulf Stream and scald themself to death, but now it seems like we have got +them slowed up at lease that's the dope we get here but for all the news +we get a hold of we might as well of jumped to the codfish league on the +way over and once in a wile some of the boys gets a U. S. paper a mo. old +but they hog onto it and don't leave nobody else see it but as far as I am +conserned they can keep it because I haven't no time to waist reading about +the Frisco fair or the Federal League has blowed up and etc. And of course +they's plenty of newspapers from Paris but all printed in la la la so as +every time you come to a word you half to rumage through a dictionary and +even when you run it down its libel to mean 20 different articles and by +the time you figured out whether they are talking about a st. car or a +hot bath or a raisin or what and the he--ll they are talking about they +wouldn't be no more news to it then the bible and it looks to me Al like +it would be a good idear if you was to drop me a post card when the war is +over so as I can tell Capt. Seeley or he will still be running us ragged to +get in shape a couple of yrs. after the last of the Dutchmens lays molting +in the grave. +</p> + +<p> +Jokeing to 1 side Al you probably know what's going on a long wile before +we do and the only chance we would have to know how a battle come out would +be if we was in it and they's no chance of that unless they send us up to +the northern part of the section to help out because Van Hindenburg must +have something under his hat besides bristles and he ain't a sucker enough +to start driveing vs. the front that we are behind it unless he is so +homesick that he can't stand it no longer in France. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>Somewheres in France, April 6.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well Al 1 of the Chi newspapers is getting out a paper in Paris +and printed in English and I just seen a copy of it where the Allys has +finely got wise to themself and made 1 man gen. of all the Allys and it was +a sucker play to not do that long ago only it looks to me like they pulled +another boner by makeing a Frenchman the gen. and I suppose they done it +for a complement to the Frenchmens on acct. of the war being here, but even +suppose this here Foch is a smart gen. and use his brains and etc. it looks +to me like it would of been a whole lot better to of picked out a man that +can speak English because suppose we was all in a big battle or something +and he wanted we should go over the top and if he said it in French why +most of the boys hasn't made no attempts to master the language and as far +as they was conserned he might as well be telling them to wash their neck. +Or else they would half to be interpeters to translate it out in English +what he was getting at and by the time he give the orders to fire and the +interpeter looked it up and seen what it meant in English and then tell +us about it the Dutchmens would be putting peep holes through us with a +bayonet and besides the French word for fire in English is feu in French +and you say it like it was few and if Gen. Foch yelled few we might think +he was complaining of the heat. +</p> + +<p> +But at that its better to have I man running it even a Frenchman then a lot +of different gens, telling us to do this in that and the other thing every +one of them different and suppose they done that in baseball Al and a club +had 3 or 4 mgrs. and suppose for inst. it come up to the 9th. inning and we +needed some runs and it was Benz's turn to hit and 1 mgr. would tell him to +go up and hit for himself and another mgr. would tell Murphy to go up and +hit for him and another mgr. would send Risberg up and another would send +Russell and the next thing you know they would be 2 of them swinging from 1 +side of the plate and 2 from the other side and probably busting each other +in the bean with their bats but you take most bird's beans and what would +break would be Mr. Bat. But its the same in war like in baseball and you +got to have 1 man running it. With a lot of different gens. in command, +1 of them might tell the men to charge while another was telling them to +pay cash. Jokeing to 1 side Al some of our boys have overtook a section +up along the Moose river and I wouldn't dast write about it only its been +printed in the papers all ready so I am not giveing away no secrets to the +Dutchmens. At lease they don't mind us writeing something that's came out +in the papers though as far as I can see how would the Dutchmens know it +any more if it was in the papers or not, because they ain't so choked with +jack over in Germany that they are going to spend it on U. S. papers a mo. +old and even when they got them they would half to find somebody that could +read English and hadn't been killed for it and it would be like as if I +should spend part of my $15 a mo. subscribeing to the Chop Suey Bladder +that you would half to lay on your stomach and hold it with your feet to +get it right side up and even then it wouldn't mean nothing. But any way +the Dutchmens is going to know sooner or later that we are in the war and +what's the differents if they meet us at the Moose or the Elks? Jokeing a +side Al I guess you won't be supprised to hear how I have picked up in the +riffle practice and I knew right along that I couldn't hardly help from +being a A No. 1 marksman because a man that had almost perfect control in +pitching you might say would be bound to shoot straight when they got the +hang of it and don't be supprised if I write you 1 of these days that I +been appointed a snipper that sets up in a tree somewheres and picks off +the boshs whenever they stick their head up and they call them snippers so +pretty soon my name is libel to be Jake Snipe instead of Jack Keefe, but +seriously Al I can pick off them targets like they was cherrys or something +and maybe I won't half to go in the trenchs at all. +</p> + +<p> +I guess I all ready told you about that little trick I pulled on Johnny +Alcock for a April Fool gag and at first he swelled up like a poison pup +and wouldn't talk to me and said he wouldn't never rest till he got even. +Well he finely got a real letter from the gal back home and she is still +waiting for him yet so he feels O. K. again and I and him are on speaking +turns again and I am glad to not be scraping with him because I don't never +feel right unless I am pals with everybody but they can't nobody stay sore +at me very long and even when some of the boys in baseball use to swell up +when I pulled 1 of my gags on them it wouldn't last long because I would +just smile at them and they would half to smile back and be pals and I +always say that if a man can't take a joke he better take acid or something +and make a corps out of himself instead of a monkey. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>Somewheres in France, April 11.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well Al I don't suppose you knew I was a detective but when it +comes to being a dick it looks like I don't half to salute Win. Burns or +Shylock or none of them. +</p> + +<p> +Seriously Al I come onto something today that may turn out to be something +big and then again it may not but it looks like it was something big only +of course it has got to be kept a secret till I get the goods on a certain +bird and I won't pull it till I have got him right and in that way he won't +suspect nothing until its to late. But I know you wouldn't breath a word +about it and besides it wouldn't hurt nothing if you did because by the +time you get this letter the whole thing will be over and this bird to who +I refer will probably own a peace of land in France with a 2 ft. frontidge +and 6 ft. deep. But you will wonder what am I trying to get at so maybe +I better explain myself. Well Al they's a big bird in our Co, name Geo. +Shaffer and that's a German name because look at Schaefer that use to play +ball in our league and it was spelt different but they called him Germany +and he thought he was funny and use to pull gags on the field but I guess +he didn't feel so funny the day Griffith sent him up to hit against me in +the pinch I day at Washington and if the ball he hit had of went straight +out instead of straight up it would of pretty near cleared the infield. But +any way this bird Shaffer in our Co. is big enough to have a corporal to +himself and they must of spent the first Liberty Loan on his uniform and +he hasn't hardly said a word since we been in France and for a wile we +figured it was just because he was a crab and to grouchy to talk, but now +I wouldn't be supprised Al if the real reason was on acct. of him being a +Dutchman and maybe can't talk English very good. Well I would feel pretty +mean to be spying on most of the boys that's been good pals with me, but +when a man is a pro German spy himself they's no question of friendship and +etc. and whatever I can do to show this bird up I won't hesitate a minute. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al this bird was writeing a letter last night and he didn't have no +envelope and he asked me did I have I and I said no and he wouldn't of +never spoke only to say Gimme but when I told him I didn't have no envelope +he started off somewheres to get 1 and he dropped the last page out of the +letter he had been writeing and it was laying right there along side of me +and of course I wouldn't of paid no tension to it only it was face up so as +I couldn't help from seeing it and what I seen wasn't no words like a man +would write in a letter but it was a bunch of marks like a x down at the +bottom and they was a whole line of them like this +x x x x x x x x x x x +</p> + +<p> +Well that roused up my suspicions and I guess you know I am not the kind +that reads other people's letters even if I don't get none of my own to +read but this here letter I kind of felt like they was something funny +about it like he was writeing in ciphers or something so I picked the page +up and read it through and sure enough they was parts of it in ciphers and +if a man didn't have the key you couldn't tell what and the he--ll he was +getting at. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al I was still studing the page yet when he come back in and they +wasn't nothing for me to do only set on it so as he wouldn't see I had +it and he come over and begin looking for it and I asked him had he lost +something to throw him off the track and he said yes but he didn't say what +it was and that made it all the more suspicious so he finely give up +looking and went out again. +</p> + +<p> +Well I have got it put away where he can't get a hold of it because I +showed it to Johnny Alcock this A. M. and asked him if it didn't look like +something off color and he said yes it did and if he was me he would turn +it over to Capt. Seeley but on 2d thoughts he said I better keep it a wile +and at the same time keep a eye on Shaffer and get more evidents vs. him +and then when I had him dead to rights I could turn the letter and the rest +of the evidents over to Capt. Seeley and then I would be sure to get the +credit for showing him up. Well Al I figure this 1 page of his letter is +enough or more then enough only of course its best to play safe and keep my +eyes pealed and see what comes off and I haven't got time to copy down the +whole page Al and besides they's a few sentences that sounds O. K. and I +suppose he put them in for a blind but you can't get away from them x marks +Al and I will write down a couple other sentences and I bet you will agree +that they's something fishy about them and here is the sentences to which I +refer: +</p> + +<p> +"In regards to your question I guess I understand O. K. In reply will say +yes I. L. Y. more than Y. L. M. Am I right." +</p> + +<p> +"Have you saw D. Give him a ring and tell the old spinort I am W. C. T. U. +outside of a little Vin Blank." +</p> + +<p> +Can you make heads or tales out of that Al? I guess not and neither could +anybody else except they had the key to it and the best part of it is his +name is signed down at the bottom and if he can explain that line of talk +he is a wonder but he can't explain it Al and all as he can do is make +a clean brest of the whole business and Alcock thinks the same way and +Alcock says he wished he had of been the 1 that got a hold of this evidents +because whoever turned it over to Capt. Sceley along with what other facts +I can get a hold of will just about get a commission in the intelligents +dept. and that's the men that looks after the pro German spys Al and gets +the dope on them and shows them up and I would probably have my head +quarters in Paris and get good money besides my expenses and I would half +to pass up the chance to get in the trenchs and fight but they's more ways +of fighting then 1 and in this game Al a man has got to go where they send +you and where they figure they would do the most good and if my country +needs me to track after spys I will sacrifice my own wishs though I would +a whole lot rather stay with my pals and fight along side of them and not +snoop round Paris fondleing door nobs like a night watchman. But Alcock +says he would bet money that is where I will land and he says "You ought +to feel right at home in the intelligents dept. like a camel in Lake Erie" +and he says the first chance I get I better try and start up a conversation +with Shaffer and try and lead him on and that is the way they trap them is +to ask them a whole lot of questions and see what they have got to say and +if you keep fireing questions at them they are bound to get balled up and +then its good night. +</p> + +<p> +Well I don't suppose it seems possible to you stay at homes that they could +be such a thing like a pro German spy in the U. S. army and how did he get +there and why did they leave him in and etc. Well Al you would be supprised +to know how many of them has slipped in and Alcock says that at first it +amounted to about 200% but the intelligents officers has been on their sent +all the wile and most of them has been nailed and when they get them they +shoot them down like a dog and that's what Shaffer will get Al and he is +out of luck to be so big because all as the fireing squad would half to do +would be look at their compass and see if he was east or west of them and +then face their riffle in that direction and let go. +</p> + +<p> +I will write and let you know how things comes along. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>Somewheres in France, April 14.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well Al I am closeing the net of evidents around Shaffer and I +guess I all ready got enough on him to make out a case that he couldn't +never wrinkle out of it but Capt. Seeley is away and I can't do nothing +till he gets back. +</p> + +<p> +I had my man on the grill today Al and I thought he would be a fox and +not criminate himself but I guess I went at him so smooth he didn't never +suspect nothing till along towards the finish and then it was to late. +I don't remember all that was said but it run along these lines like +as follows: In the first place I asked him where he lived and he said +Milwaukee Ave. in Chi and I don't know if you know it or not Al but that's +a st. where they have got traffic policemens at the corners to blow their +whistles once for the Germans to go north and south and twice for them to +go east and west. So then I said was he married and he says no. So then I +asked him where he was born and he said "What and the he--ll are you the +personal officer?" So I laughed it off and said "No but I thought maybe +we come from the same part of the country." So he says something about +everybody didn't half to come from the country but he wouldn't come out and +say where he did come from so then I kind of led around to the war and I +made the remark that the German drive up on the north side of France didn't +get very far and he says maybe they wasn't through. How was that for a fine +line of talk Al and he might as well have said he hoped the Germans +wouldn't never be stopped. +</p> + +<p> +Well for a minute I couldn't hardly help from takeing a crack at him but in +these kind of matters Al a man has got to keep a hold of themself or they +will loose their quarry so I kind of forced a smile and said "Well I guess +they would have kept going if they could of." And then he says "Yes but +they half to stop every once in a wile to bring up Van Hindenburg." So I +had him traped Al and quick is a flash I said "Who told you their plans?" +And he says "Oh he--ll my mother in law" and walked away from me. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al it was just like sometimes when they are trying a man for murder +and he says he couldn't of did it because he was over to the Elite jazing +when it come off and a little wile later the lawyer asks him where did he +say he was at when the party was croked and he forgets what he said the +1st. time and says he was out to Lincoln Pk. kidding the bison or something +and the lawyer points out to the jury where his storys don't jib and the +next thing you know he is dressed up in a hemp collar a couple sizes to +small. +</p> + +<p> +And that's the same way I triped Shaffer getting him to say he wasn't +married and finely when I have him cornered he busts out about his mother +in law. Well Al I don't know of no way to get a mother in law without +marrying into one. So I told Alcock tonight what had came off and he says +it looked to him like I had a strong case and if he was me he would spill +it to Capt. Seeley the minute he gets back. And he said "You lucky stiff +you won't never see the inside of a front line trench." So I asked him +what he meant and he repeated over again what he said about them takeing +me in the intelligents dept. So it looks like I was about through being a +doughboy Al and pretty soon I will probably be writeing to you from Paris +but I don't suppose I will be able to tell you what I am doing because +that's the kind of a job where mum is the word. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>Somewheres in France, April 16.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well old pal don't be supprised if I write you the next time +from Paris. I have got a date to see Capt. Seeley tomorrow and Lieut. +Mather fixed it up for me to see him but I had to convince the lieut. that +it wasn't no monkey business because they's always a whole lot of riffs and +raffs asking Capt. Seeley can they have a word with him and what they want +is to borry his knife to pair their finger nails. +</p> + +<p> +But I guess he won't be sorry he seen me Al not when I show him the stuff +I have got on this bird and he will probably shake me by the hand and say +"Well Keefe Uncle Sam is proud of you but you are waisting your time here +and I will be sorry to loose you but it looks like you belong in other +fields." And he will wire a telegram to the gen. staff reccomending me to +go to Paris. +</p> + +<p> +I guess I all ready told you some of the stuff I have got on this bird but +I have not told you all because the best one didn't only happen last night. +Well on acct. of I and Alcock being friends he has kind of been keeping a +eye pealed on Shaffer to help me out and he found a letter last night that +Shaffer had wrote and this time it was the whole letter with the address +and everything and who do you suppose it was to? Well Al it was to Van +Hindenburg himself and I have got it right here where I can keep a eye on +it and believe me it's worth watching and I wished I could send it to you +so you could see for yourself what kind of a bird we are dealing with. But +that's impossible Al but they's nothing to keep me from copping it off. +</p> + +<p> +Well the letter is wrote in German and to show you what a foxy bird he is +he wrote it out in printing so as if it got found by somebody they couldn't +prove he wrote it because when words is wrote out in printing it looks just +the same who ever wrote it and you can't tell. But he wasn't foxy enough to +not sign G. S. down to the bottom of it and that stands for his name George +Shaffer and he is the only G. S. in the Co. so it looks like we had him up +in a tree. Here is what the letter says: +</p> + +<p> +"Field Marshall Van Hindenburg, c/o Die Vierten Dachshunds, Deutscher +Armee, Flanders. 500,000 U. S. Soldaten schon in Frankreich doch. In +Lauterbach habe Ich mein Strumpf verloren und ohne Strumpf gehe Ich nicht +heim. xxxxxxx G.S." +</p> + +<p> +Notice them x marks again Al like in the other letter and the other letter +was probably to Van Hindenburg to and I only wished I knew what the x marks +means but maybe some of the birds that's all ready in the intelligents +dept. can figure it out. But they's no mystery about the rest of it Al +because Alcock understands German and he translated it out what the German +words means and here is what it means: +</p> + +<p> +500,000 United States soldiers in France all ready yet. Will advise you +when to attack on this front. +</p> + +<p> +How is that Al for a fine trader and spy to tell the gen. of the German +army how many soldiers we got over here and to not attack till Shaffer says +the word and he was probably going to say it wile we was all asleep or +something. But thanks to me Al he will be the one that is asleep and it +will be some sleep Al and it will make old Rip and Winkle look like they +had the colic and when the boys finds out what I done for them I guess they +won't be nothing to good for me. But it will be to late for them to show +their appreciations because I won't be here no more and the boys probably +won't see me again till its all over and we are back in the old U. S. +because Alcock was talking to a bird that's in the int. dept. and he says 1 +of their dutys was to keep away from everybody and not leave them know who +you are. Because of course if word got out that you was a spy chaser the +spys wouldn't hardly run up and kiss you on the st. but they would duck +when they seen you and you would have as much chance to catch them as +though you was trolling for wales with a grass hopper. +</p> + +<p> +And from this bird's dope that Alcock was talking to I will half to leave +off my uniform and wear plain close and maybe wear false whiskers and etc. +so as people who see me the 1st. time I will look different to them the +next time they see me and maybe I will half to let my mustache grow and +grease it so as they will think maybe I am a Dutchman and if they are +working for the Kaiser I could maybe pump them. +</p> + +<p> +But they's 1 thing I don't like about it Al because Alcock says Paris is +full of women that isn't exactly spys but they have been made a fool out of +and they are some German's duke but the Dutchmens tells them a whole lot +of things that Uncle Sam would like to know and I would half to find them +things out and the only way to do that would be to get them stuck on me and +I guess that wouldn't be no chore but when a gal gets stuck on you they +will tell you everything they know and wile with most gals I ever seen they +could do that without dropping another nickle still and all it would be +different with these gals in Paris that's been the tools of some Dutchmens +because you take a German and he don't never stop braging till he inhales a +bayonet. +</p> + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/rd120.jpg"><img src="images/rd120th.jpg" alt="When a gal gets stuck on you they will tell you everything +they know"></a> +<br> +<i>When a gal gets stuck on you they will tell you everything +they know</i> +<br> +<a href="images/rd120.jpg">Click for larger image</a> +</p> + +<p> +But it don't seem fair to make love to them and pertend like I was nuts +over them and then when I had learned all they was to know I would half to +get rid of them and cast them to 1 side and god knows how many wounds I +will leave behind me but probably as many as though I was a regular soldier +or snipper but then I wouldn't feel so bad about it because it would be men +and not girlies but everything goes in war fair as they say Al and if Uncle +Sam and Gen. Pershing asks me to do it I will do whatever they ask me and +they can't nobody really hold it vs. me because of why I am doing it. +</p> + +<p> +But talking about snippers Al I noticed today that I wasn't near as good as +usual in the riffle practice and it was like as if I was haveing a slump +like some of the boys does in baseball when they go along 5 or 6 days +without finding out who is umpireing the bases and I am afraid that is how +it would be with me in snipping I would be O. K. part of the time and the +rest of the time I couldn't hit Europe and maybe I would fall down when +they was depending on me and then I would feel like a rummy so I guess I +better not try and show up so good in practice even when I do feel O. K. +because they might make a snipper out of me without knowing my weakness and +I figure its something the matter with my eyes. Besides Al it don't seem +like its a fair game to be pecking away at somebody that they can't see +you and aren't looking for no supprise and its a whole lot different then +fighting with a bayonet where its man to man and may the best man win. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al I guess I have told you all the news and things is going along +about as usual and they don't seem to be no prospects of us overtakeing a +section up to the front but its just train and train and train and if the +ball clubs had a training trip like we been haveing they would be so tired +by the 1 of May that they wouldn't run out a base on balls. Yesterday we +past by a flock of motor Lauras that was takeing wounded back to a base +hospital somewheres and Alcock was talking to 1 of the drivers and he said +that over 100% of the birds that's getting wounded and killed these days is +the snippers and the boshs don't never rest till they find out where there +nests is at and then they get all their best marksmens and aim at where +they think the snipper has got his nest and then its good night snipper and +he is either killed right out or looses a couple of legs or something. I +certainly feel sorry for the boys that's wounded Al and every time we see +a bunch of them all us boys is crazy to get up there to the front and get +even for what they done. +</p> + +<p> +Well old pal I will half to get busy now and overlook the dope I have got +on Shaffer so as I will have everything in order for Capt. Seeley and I +will write and let you know how things comes out. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>Somewheres in France, April 18.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well Al they's a whole lot of birds that thinks they are wise +and always trying to pull off something on somebody but once in a wile they +pick out the wrong bird to pull it on and then the laugh is on the smart +Alex themself. +</p> + +<p> +Well Alcock and some of them thought they was putting up a game on me and +was going to make me look like a monkey but before I get through with them +Al they will be the suckers and I will be giveing them the horse laugh but +what I ought to do is bust them in the jaw and if I was running this war +every bird that tried to pull off some practical joke to put a man in bad, +I would give a lead shower in their honor some A. M. before breakfast. +</p> + +<p> +Alcock was trying to make me believe that 1 of the boys in the Co. name +Geo. Shaffer was a German spy or something and they framed up a letter like +as if he wrote it to Van Hindenburg giveing away secrets in German about +our army and etc. but they made the mistake of signing his initials to the +letter so when I come to think it over I seen it must be a fake because a +bird that was a real spy wouldn't never sign their own name to a letter but +they would sign John Smith or something. +</p> + +<p> +But any way I had a hold of this letter and a peace of another letter that +Shaffer really did write it and I thought I would show them to Capt. Seeley +and play it safe because they might be something in them after all and any +way it would give him a good laugh. So yesterday I went and seen him and he +says "Well Keefe what can I do for you?" So I said "You can't do nothing +for me sir but this time I can do something for you. What would you think +if I told you they was a trader and a German spy in your Co." So he says "I +would think you were crazy." So I said "I am afraid you will half to think +so then but maybe you won't think I am so crazy when I show you the goods." +</p> + +<p> +So then Al I pulled that 1st. peace of a letter on him and showed it to him +and he read it and when he got through he says "Well it looks suspicious +all right. It looks like the man that wrote it was hacking up a big plot +to spring a few dependents on his local board the next time they draft +him." So I said "The bird that wrote that letter is a Dutchman name Geo. +Shaffer." So Capt. Seeley says "Well I wish him all the luck in the world +and a lot of little Shaffers." So I said "Yes but what about them x marks +and all them letters without no words to them?" So he said "Didn't you +never correspond with a girl and put some of them xs down to the bottom of +your letter?" So I says "I have wrote letters to a whole lot of girls but +I never had to write nothing in ciphers because I wasn't never ashamed of +anything I wrote." So he said "Well your lady friends was all cheated then +because this is ciphers all right but its the kind of messages they love to +read because it means kisses." +</p> + +<p> +Well Al of course I knew it meant something like that but I didn't think a +big truck horse like Shaffer would make such a mushmellow out of himself. +But anyway I said to Capt. Seeley I says "All right but what about them +other initials without no words to go with them?" And he says "Well that's +some more ciphers but they's probably a little gal out in Chi that don't +half to look at no key to figure it out." +</p> + +<p> +So then I pulled the other letter on him the 1 in German and he also smiled +when he read this one and finely he says "Some of your pals has been +playing a trick on you like when you come over on the ship and the best +thing you can do is to tear the letters up and keep it quite and don't +leave nobody know you fell for it. And now I have got a whole lot to tend +to so good by." +</p> + +<p> +So that's all that was said between us and I come away and come back to +quarters and Alcock and 2 or 3 of the other boys was there and Alcock knew +where I had been and I suppose he had told the other birds and they was all +set to give me the Mary ha ha but I beat them to it. +</p> + +<p> +"Well Alcock" I says when I come in "you are some joke Smith but you +wouldn't think you was so funny if I punched your jaw." So he turned kind +of pail but he forced a smile and says "Well I guess the Vin Blank is on +you this time." So I said "You won't get no Vin Blank off me but what you +are libel to get is a wallop in the jaw." So he says "You crabbed at me +a wile ago for not takeing a joke but it looks like you was the one that +couldn't take them now." So I said "What I would like to take is a poke +at your nose." So that shut him up and they didn't none of them get their +laugh because I had them scared and if they had of laughed I would of made +them swallow it. +</p> + +<p> +So after all Al the laugh is on them because their gag fell dead and I +guess the next time they try and pull some gag they will pick out some hick +from some X roads to pull it on and not a bird that has traveled all over +the big leagues and seen all they is to see. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al I am tickled to death I won't half to give up my uniform and snoop +around Paris like a white wings double crossing women and spying and etc. +and even if the whole thing hadn't of been just a joke I was going to ask +Capt. Seeley to not reccomend me to no int. dept. but jest leave me be +where I am at so as when the time comes I can fight fair like man to man +and not behind no woman's skirts like a cur. +</p> + +<p> +So you see Al everything is O. K. after all and the laugh is on Alcock and +his friends because they was the ones that expected to do all the laughing +but instead of that I made a monkey out of them. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>Somewheres in France, April 23.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well Al if you would see my face you would think I had been +attending a barrage or something or else I had been in a bar room fight +only of course if it was a fair fight I wouldn't be so kind of marred up +like I am. But I had a accident Al and fell over a bunk and lit on the old +bean and the result is Al that I have got a black eye and a bad nose and my +jaw is swole a little and my ears feels kind of dull like so I guess the +ladys wouldn't call me Handsome Jack if they seen me but it will be all O. +K. in a few days and I will be the same old Jack. +</p> + +<p> +But I will tell you how it come off. I was setting reading a letter from +Florrie that all as she said in it was that she had boughten herself a +new suit that everybody says was the cutest she ever had on her back just +like I give a dam because by the time I see her in it she will of gave +it to little Al's Swede. But any way I was reading this letter when in +come Shaffer the bird that was mixed up in that little gag about the fake +spy and he come up to me and says "Well you big snake who's male are you +reading now?" Well Al him calling me big is like I would say hello Jumbo to +a flee. But any way I says "My own male and who and the he--ll male would +I be reading?" So he said "Well its hard to tell because you stole some of +mine and read it and not only that but you showed it to the whole A. E. F. +so now stand up and take what's comeing to you." +</p> + +<p> +Well Al I thought he was just kidding so I says "I come over here to fight +Germans and not 1 of my own pals." So he says "Don't call me no pal, but +if you come to fight Germans now is your chance because you say I'm 1 of +them." +</p> + +<p> +Well he kind of made a funny motion like he wanted to spar or wrestle or +something and I thought he meant it in a friendly way like we sometimes +pull off a rough house once in a wile so I stood up but before I had a +chance to take holds with him he cut loose at me with his fists doubled up +and I kind of triped or something and fell over a bench and I must have hit +something sharp on the way down and I kind of got scratched up but they are +only scratchs and don't amt. to nothing. Only I wished I knew he had of +been serious and I would of made a punching bag out of him and you can bet +that the next time he wants to start something I won't wait to see if he +is jokeing but I will tear into him and he will think he run into a Minnie +Weffers. +</p> + +<p> +Well I suppose Alcock was sore at me for getting the best of him and not +falling for his gag and he was afraid to tackle me himself and he told big +Shaffer a peck of lies about some dam letter or something and said I stole +it and it made Shaffer sore and no wonder because who wouldn't be sore if +they thought somebody was reading their male. But a man like Shaffer that +if he stopped a shell the Dutchmens would half to move back a ways so as +they would be room enough in France to bury him hasn't got no right to +pick on a smaller man especially when I wasn't feeling good on acct. of +something I eat but at that Al size don't make no difference and its the +bird that's got the nerve and knows how that can knock them dead and if +Shaffer had of gave me any warning he would of been the 1 that is scratched +up instead of I though I guess he is to lucky to trip over a kit bag and +fall down and cut himself. +</p> + +<p> +But my scratchs don't really amt. to nothing Al and in a few days I will be +like new. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>Somewheres in France, April 25.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well old pal I have got some big news for you now. We been +ordered up to the front and its good by to this Class D burg and now for +some real actions and I am tickled to death and I only hope the Dutchmens +will loose their minds and try and start something up on the section where +we are going to and I can't tell you where its at Al but you keep watching +the papers and even if the boshs don't start nothing maybe we will start +something on our own acct. and the next thing you know you will read where +we have got them on the Lincoln highway towards Russia and believe me Al we +won't half to stop every little wile to bring up no Van Hindenburg but we +will run them ragged and they say the Germans is the best singers and when +they all bust out with Comrades they will make the Great Lakes band sound +like the Russia artillery. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al I am so excited I can't write much and I have got a 100 things to +tend to so I will half to cut this letter short. +</p> + +<p> +Well some of the other birds like Alcock and them is pertending like they +was tickled to death to but believe me Al if the orders was changed all of +a sudden and they told us we was going to stay here till the duration of +the war we wouldn't half to call on the Engrs. to dam their tear ducks. But +they pertend like they are pleased and keep whistleing so as they won't +blubber and today they all laughed their heads off at something that come +out in the Co. paper that some of the boys gets out but they laughed like +they was nervous instead of enjoying it. +</p> + +<p> +Well what come out in the paper was supposed to be a joke on me and if they +think its funny they are welcome and I would send the paper to you that its +in only I haven't got only the 1 copy so I will copy it down and you can +see for yourself what a screen it is. Well they's 1 peace that's got up to +look like it was the casuality list in some regular newspaper and it says: +</p> + +<p class="ind"> + WOUNDED IN ACTION<br> + Privates<br> + Jack Keefe, Chicago, Ill. (Very) +</p> + +<p> +And then they's another peace that reads like this: +</p> + +<p> +DECORATED +</p> + +<p> +"The Company has won its first war honors and Private Jack Keefe is the +lucky dog. Private Keefe has been decorated by Gen. George Shaffer of +the 4th. Dachshunds for extreme courage and cleverness in showing up a +dangerous nest of spies. Keefe was hit four times by large caliber shells +before he could say surrender. He was decorated with the Order of the +Schwarz Auge, the Order of the Rot Nase and the Order of the Blumenkohl +Ohren, besides which a Right Cross was hung on his jaw. Private Keefe takes +his honors very modestly, no one having even heard him mention them except +in stifled tones during the night." +</p> + +<p> +Well Al all right if they can find something to amuse themself and they +need it I guess. But they better remember that they's plenty of time for +the laugh to be on the other foot before this war is over. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +<br> +<br> +<br> +</p> + +<h2>CHAPTER V</h2> + +<h3>SAMMY BOY</h3> + +<p> +<i>In the Trenchs, May 6.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well Al I haven't wrote you no letter for a long wile and I +suppose maybe you think something might of happened to me or something. +Well old pal they hasn't nothing happened and I only wished they would +because anything would be better than laying around here and I would rather +stop a shell and get spread all over Europe then lay around here and die a +day at a time you might say. +</p> + +<p> +Well I would of wrote you before only we was on the march and by the time +night come around my dogs fret me so bad I couldn't think of nothing else +and when they told us we was comeing up here I thought of course they would +send us up in motor Lauras or something and not wear us all out before we +got here but no it was drill every ft. of the way and I said to Johnny +Alcock the night we got here that when they was sending us up here to die +they might at lease give us a ride and he says no because when they send +a man to the electric chair they don't push him up there in a go cart but +they make him get there on his own dogs. So I said "Yes but he travels +light and he don't half to go far and when he gets there they's a chair +waiting for him to set down in it but they load us up like a troop ship and +walk us 1/2 way to Sweden and when we finely get here we can either remain +standing or lay down in a mud puddle and tuck ourself in." +</p> + +<p> +And another thing Al I thought they meant we was going right in the front +line trenchs where a man has got a chance to see some fun but where we are +at is what they call the reserve trenchs and we been here 3 days all ready +and have got to stay here 7 days more that is unless they should something +happen to the regt. that's up ahead of us in the front line and if they get +smashed up or something and half to be sent back to the factory then we +will jump right in and take their place and I don't wish them no bad luck +but I wished they would get messed up tonight at lease enough so as they +would half to come out for repairs but it don't look like they was much +chance of that as we are on a quite section where they hasn't been nothing +doing since the war begin you might say but of course Jerry is raising +he--ll all over the front now and here is where he will probably pick on +next and believe me Al we will give him a welcome. +</p> + +<p> +But the way things is mapped out now we will be here another wk. yet and +then up in the front row for 10 days and then back to the rest billets for +a rest but they say the only thing that gets a rest back there is your +stomach but believe me your stomach gets a holiday right here without going +to no rest billets. +</p> + +<p> +Well I thought they would be some excitement up here but its like church +but everybody says just wait till we get up in front and then we will have +plenty of excitement well I hope they are telling the truth because its +sure motonus here and about all as we do is have inspections and scratch. +As Johnny Alcock says France may of lose a whole lot of men in this war but +they don't seem to of been no casualitys amist the cuties. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al they's plenty of other bugs here as well as the kinds that itchs +and I mean some of the boys themselfs and here is where it comes out on +them is where they haven't nothing to do only lay around and they's 1 bird +that his name is Harry Friend but the boys calls him the chicken hawk and +its not only on acct. of him loveing the ladys but he is all the wile +writeing letters to them and he is 1 of these fancy writers that has to +wind up before he comes down on the paper with a word and between every +word he sores up and swoops down again like he was over a barn yard and +sometimes the boys set around and bets on how many wirls he will take +before he will get within writeing distants of the paper. +</p> + +<p> +Well any way he must get a whole lot of letters wrote if he answers all +the ones that comes for him because every time you bump into him he pulls +one on you that he just got from some gal that's nuts about him somewheres +in the U. S. and its always a different 1 and I bet the stores that sells +service stars kept open evenings the wk. this bird enlisted in the draft. +But today it was a French gal that he had a letter from her some dame in +Chalons and he showed me her picture and she's some queen Al and he is +pulling for us to be sent there on our leave after we serve our turn up +here and I don't blame him for wanting to be where she's at and I wished +they was some baby doll that I could pal around with in what ever burg they +ship us to. But I don't know nobody Al and besides I'm a married man so no +flirting with the parley vous for me and I suppose I will spend most of my +time with the 2 Vin sisters and a headache. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/rd137.jpg"><img src="images/rd137th.jpg" alt="Every time you bump into him he pulls a letter on you"></a> +<br> +<i>Every time you bump into him he pulls a letter on you</i> +<br> +<a href="images/rd137.jpg">Click for larger image</a> +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>In the Trenchs, May 9.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well Al I was talking to 1 of the boys Jack Brady today and we +was talking about Harry Friend and I told Jack about him getting a letter +from this French girlie at Chalons and how he was pulling for us to go +there on our leave so as he could see her so Jack said he didn't think we +would go there but they would probably send us to 1 of the places where we +could get a bath as god knows we will need one and they will probably send +us to Aix les Bains or Nice or O. D. Cologne. So I said I didn't care where +we was sent as they wouldn't be no gal waiting for me in none of them towns +so Jack says it was my own fault if they wasn't as all these places was +full of girlies that was there for us to dance with them and etc. and the +officers had all their names and addresses and the way to do was write to +1 of them and tell her when you was comeing and would she like to show you +around and he said he would see 1 of the lieuts. that he stands pretty good +with him and see what he could do for me. Well Al I told him to go ahead as +I thought it was just a joke but sure enough he showed up after a wile and +he said the lieut. didn't only have 1 name left but she was a queen and he +give me her name and address and its Miss Marie Antoinette 14 rue de Nez +Rouge, O. D. Cologne. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al I didn't have nothing else to do so I set down and wrote her a note +and I will coppy down what I wrote: +</p> + +<p> +"<i>Dear Miss Antoinette</i>: I suppose you will be supprised to hear from +me and I hope you won't think I am some fresh bird writeing you this letter +for a joke or something but I am just 1 of Uncle Sam's soldiers from the +U. S. A. and am now in the trenchs fighting for your country. Well Miss +Antoinette we expect to be here about 2 wks. more and then we will have a +leave off for a few days and some of the boys thinks we may spend it in +your city and I thought maybe you might be good enough to show me around +when we get there. I was a baseball pitcher back in the U. S. A. tall and +athletic build and I don't suppose you know what baseball is but thought +maybe you would wonder what I look like. Well if you aren't busy when we +get there I will hope to see you and if you are agreeable drop me a line +here and I will sure look you up when I get there." +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +So then I give her my name and where to reach me and of course they won't +nothing come out of it Al only a man has got to amuse yourself some way in +a dump like this or they would go crazy. But it would sure be a horse on +me if she was to answer the letter and say she would be glad to see me and +then of course I would half to write and tell her I was a married man or +else not write to her at all but of course they won't nothing come out of +it and its a good bet we won't never see Cologne as that was just a guess +on Brady's part. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al things is going along about like usual with nothing doing only +inspections and etc. and telling us how to behave when we get up there in +the front row and not to stick our head over the top in the day time and +you would think we was the home guards or something and at that I guess the +home guards is seeing as much of the war as we are in this old ditch but +they say it will be different when we get up in front and believe me I hope +so and they can't send us there to soon to suit me. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>In the Trenchs, May 11.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well Al here we are up in the front line trenchs and we come +in here 2 days ahead of time but that's the way they run everything in the +army except feed you but they don't never do nothing when they say they are +going to and I suppose they want a man to get use to haveing things come +by supprise so as it won't interfere with your plans if you get killed a +couple days before you was looking for it. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al we are looking for it now most any day and this may be the last +letter you will ever get from your old pal and you may think I am kidding +when I say that but 1 of the boys told me a wile ago that he heard Capt. +Seeley telling 1 of the lieuts. that the reason we come in here ahead of +time was on acct. of them expecting the Dutchmans to make their next drive +on this section and the birds that we are takeing their place was a bunch +of yellow stiffs that was hard of hearing except when they was told to +retreat and Gen. Pershing figured that if they was up here when Jerry made +a attack they would turn around and open up a drive on Africa and the bosh +has been going through the rest of the line like it was held by the ladies +aid and Gen. Foch says they have got to be stopped so we are elected Al and +you know what that means and it means we can't retreat under no conditions +but stay here till we get killed. So you see I wasn't kidding Al and it +looks like it was only a question of a few days or maybe not that long but +at that I guess most of the boys would just as leave stop a Dutch bayonet +as to lay around in this he--ll hole. Believe me Al this is a fine resort +to spend 10 days at what with the mud and the perfume and a whole menajery +useing you for a parade grounds. +</p> + +<p> +Well Capt. Seeley wants us to get all the rest we can now on acct. of +what's comeing off after a wile but believe me I am not going to oversleep +myself in this he--ll hole because suppose Jerry would pick out the time +wile you was asleep to come over and pay us a visit and they's supposed +to be some of the boys on post duty to watch all night and keep their eye +pealed and wake us up if they's something stiring but I have been in hotels +a lot of times and left a call with some gal that didn't have nothing to +do only pair her finger nails and when the time come ring me up but even +at that she forgot it so what chance is they for 1 of these sentrys to +remember and wake everybody up when maybe they's 5 or 6 Dutchmens divideing +him into building lots with their bayonet or something. So as far as I am +conserned I will try and keep awake wile I can because it looks like when +we do go to sleep we will stay asleep several yrs. and even if we are lucky +enough to get back to them rest billets we can sleep till the cows come +home a specially if they give us some more of them entertainments like we +had in camp. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al before we got here I thought they would be so much fireing back and +4th. up here that a man couldn't hear themself think but I guess Jerry is +saveing up for the big show though every little wile they try and locate +our batterys and clean them out and once in so often 1 of our big guns +replys but as Johnny Alcock says you couldn't never accuse our artillrys +from being to gabby and I guess we are lucky they are pretty near +speechless as they might take a notion to fire short but any way a little +wile ago 1 of our guns sent a big shell over and Johnny says what and the +he--ll can that be and I said its a shell from 1 of our guns and he says he +thought they fired 1 yesterday. +</p> + +<p> +Well as I say here we are with 10 days of it stareing us in the eye and the +cuties for company and the only way we can get out of here ahead of time is +on a stretcher and I wouldn't mind that Al but as I say I want to be awake +when my time comes because if I am going to get killed in this war I want +to have some idear who done it. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>In the Trenchs, May 14.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well Al I got the supprise of my life today when Jack Brady +handed me a letter that had came for me and that's supprise enough itself +but all the more when I opened it up and seen who it was from. Well it was +from that baby in Cologne and I will coppy it down as it is short and you +can see for yourself what she says. Well here it is: +</p> + +<p> +"<i>Dear Mr. Keefe</i>: Your letter just reached me and you can bet I was +glad to get it. I sure will be glad to see you when you come to Cologne +and I will be more than glad to show you the sights. This is some town and +we sure will have a time when you get here. I am just learning to write +English so please excuse mistakes but all I want to say is don't disappoint +me but write when you will come so I can be all dressed up comme un cheval. +Avec l'amour und kussen. +</p> + +<p> +"MARIE ANTOINETTE." +</p> + +<p> +You see Al they's part of it wrote in French and that last part means with +love and kisses. Well I guess that letter I wrote her must have went over +strong and any ways it looks like she didn't exactly hate me eh Al? Well it +looks like I would half to write to her back and tell her I am a married +man and they can't be no flirting between her and I but if she wants to be +a good pal and show me around O. K. and no harm done. Well I hope she takes +it that way because it sure will seem good to talk to a gal again that +can talk a little English and not la la la all the wile but of course its +a good bet that I won't never see her because we are just as libel to go +somewheres else as Cologne though Brady seems to think that's where we are +headed for. Well time will tell and in the mean wile we are libel to get +blowed to he--ll and gone and then of course it would be good by sweet +Marie but I was supprised to hear from her as I only wrote to her in fun +and didn't think nothing would come from it but I guess Harry Friend isn't +the only lady killer in the U. S. army and if I was 1 of the kind that +shows off all their letters I guess I have got 1 now to show. +</p> + +<p> +A side from all that Al we was supposed to have our chow a hr. ago but no +chow and some of the boys says its on acct. of our back arears being under +fire and you see the kitchens is way back of the front lines and the boys +on chow detail is supposed to bring our food up here but when the back +arears is under fire they are scared to bring it up or they might maybe run +into some bad luck on the way. How is that for fine dope Al when a whole +regt. starves to death because a few yellow stiffs is afraid that maybe a +shell might light near them and spill a few beans. Brady says maybe they +are trying to starve us so as we will get mad and fight harder when the +time comes like in the old days when they use to have fights between men +and lions in Reno and Rome and for days ahead they wouldn't give the lions +nothing to eat so as they would be pretty near wild when they got in Reno +and would make a rush at the gladaters that was supposed to fight them and +try and eat them up on acct. of being so near starved. Well Al I would half +to be good and hungry before I would want to eat a Dutchman a specially +after they been in the trenchs a wile. +</p> + +<p> +But any way it don't make a whole lot of differents if the chow gets here +or not because when it comes its nothing only a eye dropper full of soup +and coffee and some bread that I would hate to have some of it fall on my +toe and before we left the U. S. everybody was trying to preserve food so +as the boys in France would have plenty to eat but if they sent any of the +preserves over here the boat they come on must of stopped a torpedo and I +hope the young mackerels won't make themselfs sick on sweets. +</p> + +<p> +Jokeing to 1 side this is some climate Al and they don't never a day pass +without it raining and I use to think the weather profits back home had a +snap that all they had to do was write down rain or snow or fair and even +if they was wrong they was way up there where you couldn't get at them but +they have got a tough job when you look at a French weather profit and as +soon as he learns the French for rain he can open up an office and he don't +half to hide from nobody because he can't never go wrong though Alcock says +they have got a dry season here that begins the 14 of July and ends that +night but its a holiday so the weather profit don't half to monkey with +it. Any way its so dark here all the wile that you can't hardly tell day +and night only at night times the Dutchmens over across the way sends up +a flare once in a wile to light things up so as they can see if they's +any of us prowling around Nobody's Land and speaking about Nobody's Land +Brady says its the ground that lays between the German trenchs and the +vermin trenchs but jokeing to 1 side if it wasn't for these here flares we +wouldn't know they was anybody over in them other trenchs and when we come +in here they was a lot of talk about Jerry sending over a patrol to find +out who we was but it looks like he wasn't interested. But all and all Al +its nothing like I expected up here and all we have seen of the war is when +a shell or 2 busts in back of us or once in a wile 1 of their areoplanes +comes over and 1 of ours chases them back and sometimes they have a battle +but they always manage to finish it where we can't see it for the fear we +might enjoy ourselfs. +</p> + +<p> +Well it looks like we would half to go to bed on a empty stomach if you +could call it bed and speaking about stomach Brady says they's a old saying +that a army travels on their stomach but a cutie covers a whole lot more +ground. But as I say when you don't get your chow you don't miss much only +it kills a little time and everybody is sick in tired of doing nothing and +1 of the boys was saying tonight he wished the Dutchmens would attack so as +to break the motley and Alcock said that if they did attack he hoped they +would do it with gas as his nose needed a change of air. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>In the Trenchs, May 16.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well old pal I come within a ace you might say of not being +here to write you this letter and you may think that's bunk but wait till +you hear what come off. Well it seems our scout planes brought back word +yesterday that the Dutch regt. over across the way had moved out and +another regt. had took their place and it seems when they make a change +like that our gens. always trys to find out who the new rivals is so the +orders come yesterday that we was to get up a patrol party for last night +and go over and take a few prisoners so as we would know what regt. we +was up vs. Well as soon as the news come out they was some of the boys +volunteered to go in the patrol and they was only a few going so I didn't +feel like noseing myself in and maybe crowding somebody out that was set +on going and besides what and the he--ll do I care what regt. is there as +long as its Germans and its like you lived in a flat and the people across +the hall moved out and some people moved in why as long as you knowed they +wasn't friends of yours you wouldn't rush over and ring their door bell and +say who the he--ll are you but you would wait till they had time to get +some cards printed and stick 1 in the mail box. So its like I told Alcock +that when the boys come back they would tell the Col. that the people opp. +us was Germans and the Col. would be supprised because he probably thought +all the wile that they was the Idaho boy scouts or something. But at that I +pretty near made up my mind at the last minute to volunteer just to break +the motley you might say but it was to late and I lost out. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al the boys that went didn't come back and I hope the Col. is +satisfied now because he has lost that many men and he knows just as much +as he did before namely that they's some Germans across the way and either +they killed our whole bunch or took them a prisoner and instead of us +learning who they are they found out who we are because the boys that's +gone is all from our regt. and its just like as if we went over and give +them the information they wanted to save them the trouble of comeing over +here and getting it. +</p> + +<p> +Well it don't make a man feel any happier to think about them poor boys and +god only knows what happened to them if they are prisoners or dead and some +of them was pals of mine to but the worst part of it is that the word will +be sent home that they are missing in actions and their wifes won't know +what become of them if they got any and I can't help from thinking I might +of been with them only for not wanting to crowd somebody out and if I had +of went my name would be in the casuality list as missing in actions but I +guess at that if Florrie picked up the paper and seen it she wouldn't know +it was her husband its so long since she wrote it on a envelop. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al they's other gals in the world besides Florrie and of course its to +late to get serious with them when a man has got a wife and kid but believe +me I am going to enjoy myself if they happen to pick out Cologne to send us +to and if the little gal down there is 1 of the kind that can be good pals +with a man without looseing her head over me I will sure have a good time +but I suppose when she sees me she will want to begin flirting or something +and then I will half to pass her up before anybody gets hurt. Well any way +I wrote her a friendly letter today and just told her to keep me in mind +and I stuck a few French words in it for a gag but I will coppy down what I +wrote the best I can remember it so you will know what I wrote. Here it is: +</p> + +<p> +<i>Mon cher Marie</i>: Your note recd. and you can bet I was mighty glad to +hear from you and learn you would show me around Cologne. That is if they +send us there and if we get out of here alive. Well you said you was just +learning English well I will maybe be able to help you along and you can +maybe help me with the French so you see it will be 50 50. Well I sure hope +they send us to Cologne and I will let you know the minute I find out where +they are going to send us and maybe even if its somewheres else couldn't +you visit there at the same time and maybe I could see you. Well girlie we +will be out of here in less then a wk. now if we don't have no bad luck and +you can bet I won't waist no time getting to where ever they send us and I +hope its Cologne. So in the mean wile don't take no wood nickles and don't +get impatient but be a good girlie and save up your loving for me. Tres +beaucoup from +</p> + +<p> +Your Sammy Boy, JACK KEEFE. +</p> + +<p> +That's what I wrote her Al and I bet she can't hardly wait to hear if I'm +comeing or not but I don't suppose they's any chance of them sending us +there and a specially if they find out that anybody wants to go there but +maybe she can fix it to meet me somewheres else and any ways they won't be +no lifes lost if I never see her and maybe it would be better that way. But +a man has got to write letters or do something to keep your mind off what +happened to them poor birds that went in the patrol and a specially when I +come so near being 1 of them. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>In the Trenchs, May 18.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well Al if I am still alive yet its not because I laid back and +didn't take no chances and I wished some of the baseball boys that use to +call me yellow when I was in there pitching had of seen me last night and +I guess they would of sang a different song only in the 1st. place I was +where they couldn't nobody see me and secondly they would of been so scared +they would of choked to death if they tried to talk let alone sing. But +wait till you hear about it. +</p> + +<p> +Well yesterday P. M. Sargent Crane asked me how I liked life in the trenchs +and I said O. K. only I got tired on acct. of they not being no excitement +or nothing to do and he says oh they's plenty to do and I could go out and +help the boys fix up the bob wire in front of the trenchs like we done +back in the training camp. So I said I didn't see how they could be any +fixing needed as they hadn't nothing happened on this section since the +war started you might say and the birds that was here before us had plenty +of time to fix it if it needed fixing. So he says "Well any ways they's +no excitement to fixing the wire but if you was looking for excitement +why didn't you go with that patrol the other night?" So I said "Because I +didn't see no sence to trying to find out who was in the other trenchs when +we know they are Germans and that's all we need to know. Wait till they's a +real job and you won't see me hideing behind nobody." So he says "I've got +a real job for you tonight and you can go along with Ted Phillips to the +listening post." +</p> + +<p> +Well Al a listening post is what they call a little place they got dug out +way over near the German trenchs and its so close you can hear them talk +sometimes and you are supposed to hear if they are getting ready to pull +something and report back here so as they won't catch us asleep. Well I was +wild to go just for something to do but I been haveing trouble with my ears +lately probably on acct. of the noise from so much shell fire or something +but any ways I have thought a couple times that I was getting a little deef +so I thought I better tell him the truth so I said "I would be tickled to +death to go only I don't know if I ought to or not because I don't hear +very good even in English and of course Jerry would be telling their plans +in German and suppose I didn't catch on to it and I would feel like a +murder if they started a big drive and I hadn't gave my pals no warning." +So he says "Don't worry about that as Phillips has got good ears and +understands German and he has been there before only in a job like that a +man wants company and you are going along for company." +</p> + +<p> +Well before we snuck out there Sargent Crane called us to 1 side and says +"You boys is takeing a big chance and Phillips knows what to do but you +want to remember Keefe to keep quite and not make no noise or talk to each +other because if Jerry finds out you are there we probably won't see you +again." +</p> + +<p> +Well Al it finely come time for us to go and we went and if anybody asks +you how to spend a pleasant evening don't steer them up against a listening +post with a crazy man. Well I suppose you think its pretty quite there +at home nights and I use to think so to but believe me Al, Bedford at 2 +o'clock in the A. M. is a bowling alley along the side of 1 of these here +listening posts. It may sound funny but I would of gave a month's pay if +somebody would of shot off a fire cracker or anything to make a noise. +There was the bosh trench about 20 yds. from us but not a sound out of +them and a man couldn't help from thinking what if they had of heard us +out there and they was getting ready to snoop up on us and that's why they +was keeping so still and it got so as I could feel 1 of their bayonets +burrowing into me and I am no quitter Al when it comes to fighting somebody +you can see but when you have got a idear that somebody is cralling up on +you and you haven't no chance to fight back I would like to see the bird +that could enjoy themself and besides suppose my ears had went back on me +worse then I thought and the Dutchmens was realy makeing a he--ll of a +racket but I couldn't hear them and maybe they was getting ready to come +over the top and I wouldn't know the differents and all of a sudden they +would lay a garage and dash out behind it and if they didn't kill us we +would be up in front of the court's marshal for not warning our pals. +</p> + +<p> +Well as I say I would of gave anything for some one to of fired off a gun +or made some noise of some kind but when this here Phillips finely opened +up his clam and spoke I would of jumped a mile if they had of been any room +to jump anywheres. Well the sargent had told us not to say nothing but all +of a sudden right out loud this bird says this is a he--ll of a war. Well +I motioned back at him to shut up but of course he couldn't see me and he +thought I hadn't heard what he said so he said it over again so then I +thought maybe he hadn't heard the sargent's orders so I whispered to him +that he wasn't supposed to talk. Well Al they wasn't no way of keeping +him quite and he says "That's all bunk because I been out here before and +talked my head off and nothing happened." So I says well if you have got +to talk you don't half to yell it. So then he tried to whisper Al but his +whisper sounded like a jazz record with a crack in it so he says I'm not +yelling I am whispering so I said yes I have heard Hughey Jennings whisper +like that out on the lines. +</p> + +<p> +So he shut up for a wile but pretty soon he busted out again and this +time he was louder then ever and he asked me could I sing and I said no I +couldn't so then he says well you can holler can't you so I said I suppose +I could so he says "Well I know how we could play a big joke on them square +heads. Lets the both of us begin yelling like a Indian and they will hear +us and they will think they's a whole crowd of us here and they will begin +bombing us or something and think they are going to kill a whole crowd +of Americans but it will only be us 2 and we can give them the laugh for +waisting their ammunitions." +</p> + +<p> +Well Al I seen then that I was parked there with a crazy man and for a wile +I didn't say nothing because I was scared that I might say something that +would encourage him some way so I just shut up and finely he says what is +the matter ain't you going to join me? So I said I will join you in the jaw +in a minute if you don't shut your mouth and then he quited down a little, +but every few minutes he would have another swell idear and once he asked +me could I imitate animals and I said no so he says he could mew like a cow +and he had heard the boshs was so hard up for food and they would rush out +here thinking they was going to find a cow but it wouldn't be no cow but it +would be a horse on them. +</p> + +<p> +Well you can imagine what I went through out there with a bird like that +and I thought more then once I would catch it from him and go nuts myself +but I managed to keep a hold of myself and the happiest minute of my life +was when it was time for us to crall back in our dug outs but at that I +can't remember how we got back here. +</p> + +<p> +This A. M. Sargent Crane asked me what kind of a time did we have and I +told him and I told him this here Phillips was squirrel meat and he says +Phillips is just as sane as anybody usualy only everybody that went out on +the listening post was effected that way by the quite and its a wonder I +didn't go nuts to. +</p> + +<p> +Well its a wonder I didn't Al and its a good thing I kept my head and kept +him from playing 1 of those tricks as god knows what would of happened and +the entire regt. might of been wipped out. But I hope they don't wish no +more listening post on me but if they do you can bet I will pick my own +pardner and it won't be no nut and no matter what Sargent Crane says if +this here Phillips is sane we're stopping at Palm Beach. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>In the Trenchs, May 19.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well old pal don't say nothing about this not even to Bertha +what I am going to tell you about as some people might not understand and +a specially a woman and might maybe think I wasn't acting right towards +Florrie or something though when a man is married to a woman that he has +been in France pretty near 4 mos. and she has wrote him 3 letters I don't +see where she would have a sqawk comeing at whatever I done but of course I +am not going to do nothing that I wouldn't just as leave tell her about it +only I want to tell her myself and when I get a good ready. +</p> + +<p> +Well I guess I told you we was only supposed to stay here in the front line +10 days and then they will somebody come and releive us and take our place +and then we go to the rest billets somewheres and lay around till its our +turn to come up here again. Well Al we been in the front line now eight +days and that means we won't only be here 2 days more so probably we will +get out of here the day after tomorrow night. Well up to today we didn't +have no idear where we was going to get sent as they's several places where +the boys can go on leave like Aix le Bains and Nice and etc. and we didn't +know which 1 it would be. So today we was talking about it and I said I +wished I knew for sure and Jack Brady stands pretty good with 1 of the +lieuts. so he says he would ask him right out. So he went and asked him and +the lieut. told him Cologne. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al I hadn't no sooner found out when 1 of the boys hands me a letter +that just come and it was a letter from this baby doll that I told you +about that's in Cologne and I will coppy down the letter so you can see for +yourself what she says and here it is Al: +</p> + +<p> +<i>Dear Sammy Boy</i>: +</p> + +<p> +I was tres beaucoup to get your letter and will sure be glad to see you and +can hardly wait till you get here. Don't let them send you anywhere else +as Cologne is the prettiest town in France and the liveliest and we will +sure have some time going to shows etc. and I hope you bring along beaucoup +francs. Well I haven't time to write you much of a letter as I have got to +spend the afternoon at the dressmaker's. You see I am getting all dolled +up for my Sammy Boy. But be sure and let me know when you are going to get +here and when you reach Cologne jump right in a Noir et Blanc taxi and come +up to the house. You know the number so come along Sammy and make it toot +sweet. +</p> + +<p> +Yours with tres beaucoup, +</p> + +<p> +MARIE. +</p> + +<p> +So that's her letter Al and it looks like I was going to be in right in +old O. D. Cologne and it sure does look like fate was takeing a hand in +the game when things breaks this way and when I wrote to this gal the +first time I didn't have no idear of ever seeing her but the way things is +turning out it almost seems like we was meant to meet each other. Well Al +I only hope she has got some sence and won't get to likeing me to well or +of course all bets is off but if we can just be good pals and go around to +shows etc. together I don't see where I will be doing anything out of the +way. Only as I say don't say nothing about it to Bertha or nobody else as +people is libel to not understand and I guess most of them women back in +the U. S. thinks that when a man has been up at the front as long as we +have and then when he gets a few days leave he ought to take a running hop +step and jump to the nearest phonograph and put on a Rodeheaver record. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>In the Trenchs, May 20.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well Al just a line and it will probably be the last time I will +write you from the trenchs for a wile as our time is up tomorrow night and +the next time I write you it will probably be from Cologne and I will tell +you what kind of a time they show us there and all about it. I just got +through writeing a note to the little gal there telling her I would get +there as soon as possible but I couldn't tell her when that would be as I +don't know how far it is or how we get there but Brady said he thought it +was about 180 miles so I suppose they will make us walk. +</p> + +<p> +Well talk about a quite section and they hasn't even been a gun went off +all day or no areoplanes or nothing and here we thought we was going to see +a whole lot of excitement and we haven't fired a shot or throwed a grenade +or even saw a German all the wile we was here and we are just like when +we come only for those poor birds that went on that wild goose chase and +didn't come back and they's been some talk about sending another patrol +over to get revenge for those poor boys but I guess they won't nothing come +of it. It would be like sending good money after bad is the way I look +at it. +</p> + +<p> +Several of the boys has been calling me Sammy Boy today and I signed my +name that way in 1 of the notes I wrote that little gal and I suppose who +ever censored it told some of the boys about it and now they are trying to +kid me. Well Al I don't see where a censor has got any license to spill +stuff like that but they's no harm done and they can laugh at me all they +want to wile we are here as I will be the 1 that does the laughing when we +get to Cologne. And I guess a whole lot of them will wish they was this +same Sammy Boy when they see me paradeing up and down the blvd. with the +bell of the ball. O you sweet Marie. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>In the Trenchs, May 22.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well Al its all off and we are here yet and what is more we +are libel to be here till the duration of the war if we don't get killed +and believe me I would welcome death rather then stay in this he--ll hole +another 10 days and from now on I am going to take all the chances they is +to take and the sooner they finish me I will be glad of it and it looks +like it might come tonight Al as I have volunteered to go along with the +patrol that's going over and try and get even for what they done to our +pals. +</p> + +<p> +Well old pal it was understood when we come up here that we would be here +10 days and yesterday was the 10th day we was here. Well I happened to say +something yesterday to Sargent Crane about what time was we going and he +says where to and I said I thought our time was up and we was going to get +releived. So he says "Who is going to releive us and what and the he--ll do +you want to be releived of?" So I said I understood they didn't only keep a +regt. in the front line 10 days and then took them out and sent them to a +rest billet somewheres. So he says what do you call this but a rest billet? +So then I asked him how long we had to stay here and he said "Well it may +be a day or it may be all summer. But if we get ordered out in a hurry it +won't be to go to no rest billet but it will be to go up to where they are +fighting the war." +</p> + +<p> +So I made the remark that I wished somebody had of tipped me off as I had +fixed up a kind of a date thinking we would be through here in 10 days. So +he asked me where my date was at and I said Cologne. So then he kind of +smiled and said "O and when was you planing to start?" So I said "I was +figureing on starting tonight." So he waited a minute and then he said +"Well I don't know if I can fix it for you tonight or tomorrow night, but +they's some of the boys going to start in that direction one of them times +and I guess you can go along." +</p> + +<p> +Well Al I suppose Alcock and Brady and them has been playing another 1 of +their gags on me and I hope they enjoyed it and as far as I am conserned +they's no harm done. Cologne Al is way back of the German lines and when +Sargent Crane said they was some of the boys starting in that direction he +meant this here patrol. So I'm in on it Al and they didn't go last night +but tonight's the big night. And some of the boys is calling me Sammy Boy +and trying to make a monkey out of me but the smart Alex that's doing it +isn't none of them going along on this raid and that's just what a man +would expect from them. Because they's a few of us Al that come across +the old puddle to fight and the rest of them thinks they are at the Young +Peoples picnic. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +<br> +<br> +<br> +</p> + +<h2>CHAPTER VI</h2> + +<h3>SIMPLE SIMON</h3> + +<p> +<i>In the Trenchs, May 29.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well Al we have been haveing a lot of fun with a bird name Jack +Simon only the boys calls him Simple Simon and if you seen him you wouldn't +ask why because you would know why as soon as you seen him without asking +why as he keeps his mouth open all the wile so as he will be ready to +swallow whatever you tell him as you can tell him anything and he eats it +up. So the boys has been stuffing him full of storys of all kinds and he +eats them all up and you could tell him the reason they had the bob wire +out in front was to scratch yourself on it when the cuties was useing you +for a race track and he would eat it up. +</p> + +<p> +Well when we come in here and took over this section this bird was sick and +I don't know what ailed him only it couldn't of been brain fever but any +way he didn't join us in here till the day before yesterday but ever since +he joined us the boys has been stuffing him full and enjoying themself at +his expenses. Well the 1st. thing he asked me was if we had saw any actions +since we been here and I told him about a raid we was on the other night +before he come and we layed down a garage and then snuck over to the German +trenchs and jumped into them trying to get a hold of some prisoners but +we couldn't find head or tale of no Germans where our bunch jumped in as +they had ducked and hid somewheres when they found out we was comeing. So +he says he wished he could of been along as he might of picked up some +souvenirs over in their trenchs. +</p> + +<p> +That's 1 of his bugs Al is getting souvenirs as he is 1 of these here +souvenir hounds that it don't make no differents to him who wins the war as +long as he can get a ship load of junk to carry it back home and show it +off. So I told Johnny Alcock and some of the other boys about Simon wishing +he could of got some souvenirs so they framed up on him and begin selling +him junk that they told him they had picked it up over in the German +trenchs and Alcock blowed some cigarette smoke in a bottle and corked it up +and told him it was German tear gas and Simon give him 8 franks for it and +Jack Brady showed him a couple of laths tied together with a peace of wire +and told him it was a part of the areoplane that belonged to Guy Meyer the +French ace that brought down so many Dutchmans before they finely got him +and Brady said he hated to part with it as he had took it off a German +prisoner that he brought in but if Simon thought it was worth 20 franks he +could have it. So Simon bought it of him and wanted to know all about how +Brady come to get the prisoner and of course Brady had to make it up as we +haven't saw a German let alone take them a prisoner since we was back in +the training arears and wouldn't know they was any only for their artillery +and throwing up rockets at night and snipping at a man every time you go +out on a wire party or something. +</p> + +<p> +But any way Simon eats it up whatever you pull on him and some times I +feel sorry for him and feel like tipping him off but the boys fun would +be spoiled and believe me they need some kind of sport up here or pretty +soon we would all be worse off then Simon and we would be running around +fomenting at the mouth. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al I wished you would write once in a wile if its only a line as a +man likes to get mail once in a wile and I haven't heard from Florrie +for pretty near a month and then all as she said was that the reason she +hadn't wrote was because she wasn't feeling the best and I suppose she got +something in her eye but anything for an excuse to not write and you would +think I had stepped outdoors to wash the windows instead of being away from +her since last December. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>In the Trenchs, June 4.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well Al nothing doing as usual only patching things up once in a +wile and it would be as safe here as picking your teeth if our artillery +had a few brains as the Germans wouldn't never pay no tension to us if our +batterys would lay off them but we don't no sooner get a quite spell when +our guns cuts loose and remind Fritz that they's a war and then of course +the Dutchmens has got to pay for their board some way and they raise he--ll +for a wile and make everybody cross but as far as I can see they don't +nobody never get killed on 1 side or the other side but of course the +shells mess things up and keeps the boys busy makeing repairs where if our +artillery would keep their mouth shut why so would theirs and the boys +wouldn't never half to leave their dice game only for chow. +</p> + +<p> +But from all as we hear I guess they's no dice game going on up on some of +the other sections but they's another kind of a game going on up there and +so far the Dutchmens has got all the best of it but some of the boys says +wait till the Allys gets ready to strike back and they will make them look +like a sucker and the best way to do is wait till the other side has wore +themself out before you go back at them. Well I told them I have had a lot +of experience in big league baseball where they's stragety the same like in +war but I never heard none of the big league managers tell their boys to +not try and score till the other side had all the runs they was going to +get and further and more it looked to me like when the Germans did get wore +out they could rest up again in the best hotel in Paris. So Johnny Alcock +says oh they won't never get inside of Paris because the military police +will stop them at the city limits and ask them for their pass and then +where would they be? So I says tell that to Simple Simon and he shut up. +</p> + +<p> +Speaking about Simple Simon what do you think they have got him believeing +now. Well they told him Capt. Seeley had sent a patrol over the other +night to find out what ailed the Germans that they never showed themself +or started nothing against us and the patrol found out that Van Hindenburg +had took all the men out of the section opp. us and sent them up to the war +and left the trenchs opp. us empty so Simon asked him why we didn't go over +there and take them then and they told him because our trenchs was warmer +on acct. of being farther south. I suppose they will be telling him the +next thing that Capt. Seeley and Ludendorf married sisters and the 2 of +them has agreed to lay off each other. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al I am glad they have got somebody else to pick on besides me and of +course they can have a lot more fun with Simon as they's nothing to raw +that he won't eat it up wile in my case I was to smart for them and just +pretended like I fell for their gags as they would of been disappointed if +I hadn't of and as I say somebody has got to furnish amusement in a he--ll +hole like this or we would all be squirrel meat. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>In the Trenchs, June 7.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well Al here is a hot 1 that they pulled on this Simon bird +today and it was all as I could do to help from busting out laughing while +they was telling it to him. +</p> + +<p> +Well it seems like he must of been thinking that over what they told him +about they not being no Germans in the trenchs over opp. to where we are at +and it finely downed on him that if they wasn't nobody over there why who +was throwing up them flares and rockets every night. So today he said to +Brady he says "Didn't you birds tell me them trenchs over across the way +was empty?" So Brady says yes what of it. So Simon says "Well I notice +they's somebody over there at night times or else who throws up them flares +as they don't throw themselfs up." So Brady says they had probably left a +flare thrower over there to do that for them. But Simon says they must of +left a lot of flare throwers because the flares come from different places +along the line. +</p> + +<p> +So then Alcock cut in and says "Yes but you will notice they don't come +from different places at once and the bird that throws them gos from 1 +place to another so as we will think the trenchs is full of Germans." So +Simon says "They couldn't nobody go from 1 place to another place as fast +as them flares shoots up from different places." So Alcock says "No they +couldn't nobody do it if they walked but the man that throws them flares +don't walk because he hasn't got only 1 leg as his other leg was shot off +early in the war. But Van Hindenburg is so hard up for men that even if you +get a leg shot off as soon as the Dr. mops up the mess and sticks on the +court plaster they send the bird back in the war and put him on a job where +you don't half to walk. So they stuck this old guy in the motorcycle dept. +and now all as he does is ride up and down some quite section like this +here all night and stop every so often and throw up a flare to make us +think the place is dirty with Germans." +</p> + +<p> +Well Al Simon thought it over a wile and then asked Alcock how a man could +ride a motorcycle with only 1 leg and Alcock says "Why not because you +don't half to peddle a motorcycle as they run themself." So Simon says yes +but how about it when you want to get off? So Alcock says "What has a man's +legs got to do with him getting off of a motorcycle as long as you have got +your head to light on?" +</p> + +<p> +That is what they handed him Al and they hadn't hardly no sooner then got +through with that dose when Brady begun on the souvenirs. First he asked +him if he had got a hold of any new ones lately and Simon says no he hadn't +seen nobody that had any for sale and besides his jack was low so Brady +asked him how much did he have and he says about 4 franks. So Brady says +"Well you can't expect anybody to come across with anything first class for +no such chicken's food as that." So Simon says well even if he had a pocket +full of jack he couldn't buy nothing with it when they wasn't nothing to +buy. Then Brady asked him if he had saw the German speegle Ted Phillips had +picked up and Simon says no so Brady went and got Phillips and after a wile +he come back with him and Phillips said he had the speegle in his pocket +and he would show it to us if we promised to be carefull and not jar it out +of his hands wile he was showing it as he wouldn't have it broke for the +world. So Simon stood there with his eyes popping out and Phillips pulled +the speegle out of his pocket and it wasn't nothing only a dirty little +looking glass that you could pretty near crall through the cracks in it +and all the boys remarked what a odd little speegle it was and they hadn't +never saw 1 like it before and etc. and finely Simon couldn't keep his clam +shut no longer so he asked Phillips how much he would take for it. Well +Phillips says it wasn't for sale as speegles was scarce in Germany on acct. +of the war and that was why the Dutchmens always looked like a bum when +you took them a prisoner. So Simon asked him what price he would set on it +suppose he would sell it and Phillips says about 8 franks. Well Simon got +out all his jack and they wasn't only 4 franks and he showed it to Phillips +and said if he would take 10 franks for the speegle he would give him +4 franks down and the other 6 franks when he got hold of some jack so +Phillips hummed and hawed a wile and finely said all right Simon could have +it but he wouldn't never sell it to him only that it kept worring him so +much to carry it in his pocket for the fear he would loose it or break it. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al Phillips has got Simon's last 4 franks and Simon has got Phillips's +speegle and I suppose now that the boys sees how soft it is they will be +selling him stuff on credit and he will owe them his next months pay before +they get through with him and I suppose the next thing you know they will +keep their beard when they shave and sell it to him for German tobacco. +Well I would half to be pretty hard up before I went in on some skin game +like that and I would just as leave go up to 1 of them cripples that use to +spraddle all over the walk along 35 st. after the ball game and stick my +heel in their eye and romp off with their days receipts. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>In the Trenchs, June 11.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well Al it seems like Capt. Seeley is up on his ear because they +haven't took our regt. out of here yet because it seems Gen. Pershing told +Gen. Foch that he was to help himself to any part of the U. S. army and +throw them in where ever they was needed and they's been a bunch of the +boys throwed in along the other parts of the front to try and stop the +Germans and Capt. Seeley is raveing because they keep us here and don't +take us where we can get some actions. Any way 1 of the lieuts. told some +of the boys that if we didn't get took out of here pretty quick Capt. +Seeley would start a war of our own on this section and all the officers +was sore because we hadn't done nothing or took no prisoners or nothing you +might say only make repairs in the wire and etc. Well Al how in the he--ll +can we show them anything when they don't never send us over the top or +nowheres else but just leave us here moldering you might say but at that I +guess we have showed as much life as the birds that's over there opp. us in +them other trenchs that hasn't hardly peeped since we come in here and the +boys says they are a Saxon regt. that comes from part of Germany where the +Kaiser is thought of the same as a gum boil so the Saxons feels kind of +friendly towards us and they will leave us alone as long as we leave them +alone and visa and versa. So I don't see where Capt. Seeley and them other +officers has got a right to pan us for not showing nothing but I don't +blame them for wishing they would take us out of here and show us the war +and from all as we hear they's plenty of places where we could do some good +or at lease as much good as the birds that has been there. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al they have been stringing poor Simon along and today they give him +a song and dance about some bird name Joe in the regt. that was here ahead +of us that got a collection of souvenirs that makes Simon's look rotten and +they said the guy's pals called him Souvenir Joe on acct. of him haveing +such a fine collection. So Brady says to Simon "All you have got is 5 or +6 articles and the next thing you know they will be takeing us out of here +and you might maybe never get another chance to pick up any more rare +articles so if I was you I would either get busy and get a real collection +or throw away them things you have got and forget it." +</p> + +<p> +So Simon says "How can I get any more souvenirs when I haven't no more jack +to buy them and besides you birds haven't no more to sell." So Brady says +"Souvenir Joe didn't buy his collection but he went out and got them." So +Simon asked him where at and Brady told him this here Joe use to crall out +in Nobody's Land every night and pick up something and Simon says it was a +wonder he didn't get killed. So Brady says "How would he get killed as the +trenchs over across the way was just as empty when he was here as they are +now and Old 1 Legged Mike and his motorcycle was on the job then to, so Joe +would wait till Mike had throwed a few flares on this section and then he +would sneak out and get his souvenirs before Mike come back again on his +rounds." +</p> + +<p> +Well then Simon asked him where the souvenirs was out there and Brady says +they was in the different shell holes because most of Joe's souvenirs was +the insides of German shells that had exploded and they was the best kind +of souvenirs as they wasn't no chance of them being a fake. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al I had a notion to take Simon to 1 side and tell him to not pay no +tension to these smart alex because the poor crum might go snooping out +there some night after the insides of a shell and get the outsides and +all and if something like that happened to him I would feel like a murder +though I haven't never took no part in makeing a monkey out of him, but I +thought well if the poor cheese don't know no more then that he is better +off dead let him go. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>In the Trenchs, June 13.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Just a line Al as I am to excited to write much but I knew you +would want to know the big news. Well Al I have got a daughter born the +18 of May. How is that for a supprise Al but I guess you won't be no more +supprised than I was when the news come as Florrie hadn't gave me no hint +and a man can't guess a thing like that when you are in France and the lady +in question is back in old Chi. But it sure is wonderfull news Al and I +only wished I was somewheres where I could celebrate it right but you can't +even whistle here or somebody would crown you with a shovle. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al the news come today in a letter from Florrie's sister Marie Allen +and she has been down in Texas but I suppose Florrie got her to come up +and stay with her though as far as I can sec its bad enough to have a baby +without haveing that bird in the house to, but they's I consolation we +haven't got rm. in the apt. for more than 2 kids and 3 grown ups so when +I get home if sweet Marie is still there yet we will either half to get +rid of the Swede cook or she, and when it comes to a choice between a ski +jumper that will work and a sister that won't why Florrie won't be bothered +with no family ties. +</p> + +<p> +Any way I haven't no time to worry about no Allen family now as I am +feeling to good and all as I wish is that somebody wins this war dam toot +sweet so as I can get home and see this little chick Al and I bet she is as +pretty as a picture and she couldn't be nothing else you might say and I +have wrote to Florrie to not name her or nothing till I have my say as you +turn a woman loose on nameing somebody all alone and they go nuts and look +through a seed catalog. +</p> + +<p> +Well old pal I know you would congratulate me if you was here and I am only +sorry I can't return the complement and if I was you and Bertha I would +adopt 1 of these here Belgium orphans that's lost their parents as they's +nothing like it Al haveing a kid or 2 in the house and I bet little Al is +tickled to death with his little sister. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al I have told all the boys about it and they have been haveing a lot +of fun with me but any way they call me Papa now which is a he--ll of a lot +better then Sammy Boy. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>In the Trenchs, June 14.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: I am all most to nervous to write Al but anything is better then +setting around thinking and besides I want you to know what has came off so +as you will know what come off in the case something happens. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al Simple Simon's gone. We don't know if he's dead or alive or what +the he--ll and all as we know is that he was here last night and he ain't +here today and they hasn't nobody seen or heard of him. +</p> + +<p> +Of course Al that isn't all we know neither as we can just about guess what +happened. But I have gave my word to not spill nothing about what the boys +pulled on him or god knows what Capt. Seeley would do to them. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al I got up this A. M. feeling fine as I had slept better then any +time for a wk. and I dreamt about the little gal back home that ain't never +seen her daddy or don't know if she's got 1 or not but in my dream she +knowed me O. K. as I dreamt I had just got home and Florrie wasn't there +to meet me as usual but I rung the bell and the ski jumper let me in and I +asked her where Florrie was and she said she had went out somewheres with +little Al so I was going out and look for them but the Swede says the baby +is here if you want to see her and I asked her what baby and she says why +your new little baby girl. +</p> + +<p> +So then I heard a baby crying somewheres in the house and I went in the +bed rm. and this little mite jumped right up out of bed and all of a sudden +she was 3 yrs. old instead of a mo. and she come running to me and hollered +daddy. So then I grabbed her up and we begin danceing around but all of a +sudden it was I and Florrie that was danceing together and little Al and +the little gal was danceing around us and then I woke up Al and found I +was still in this he--ll hole but the dream was so happy that I was still +feeling good over it yet and besides it looked like the sun had forgot it +was in France and was going to shine for a while. +</p> + +<p> +Well pretty soon along come Corp. Evans and called me to 1 side and asked +me what I knew about Simon. So I says what about him. So Corp. Evans says +he is missing and they hasn't nobody saw him since last night. So I says I +didn't know nothing about him but if anything had happened to him they was +a lot of birds in this Co. that ought to pay for it. So Corp. Evans asked +me what was I driveing at and I started in to tell him about Alcock and +Brady and them kidding this poor bird to death and Corp. Evans says yes he +knew all about that and the best thing to do was to shut up about it as it +would get everybody in bad. He says "Wait a couple days any way and maybe +he will show up O. K. and then they won't be no sence in spilling all this +stuff." So I says all right I would wait a couple days but these birds +ought to get theirs if something serious has happened and if he don't show +up by that time I won't make no promise to spill all I know. So Corp. Evans +says I didn't half to make no promise as he would spill the beans himself +if Simon isn't O. K. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al of course all the boys had heard the news by the time I got to talk +to them and they's 2 or 3 of them that feels pretty sick over it and no +wonder and the bird that feels the sickest is Alcock and here is why. Well +it seems like yesterday while I was telling all the boys about the news +from home Simon was giveing Alcock a ear full of that junk Brady had been +slipping him about Souvenir Joe and Simon asked Alcock if he thought they +was still any of them souvenirs worth going after out in them shell holes. +So Alcock says of course they must be as some of the holes was made new +since we been here. But Alcock told him that if he was him he wouldn't +waist no time collecting the insides of German shells as the Germans was +so hard up for mettle and etc. now days that the shells they was sending +over was about 1/2 full of cheese and stuff that wouldn't keep. So Alcock +says to him "What you ought to go after is a Saxon because you can bet +that Souvenir Joe didn't get none and if you would get 1 all the boys would +begin calling you Souvenir Simon instead of Simple Simon and you would make +Souvenir Joe look like a dud." +</p> + +<p> +Well Al Simon didn't know a Saxon from a hang nail so he asked Alcock what +they looked like and Alcock told him to never mind as he couldn't help from +knowing 1 if he ever seen it so then Simon asked him where they was libel +to be and Alcock told him probably over in some of the shell holes near the +German trench. +</p> + +<p> +That's what come off yesterday wile I was busy telling everybody about the +little gal as you can bet I would of put Simon wise had I of been in on it +and now Al he's gone and they don't nobody know what's became of him but +they's a lot of us that's got a pretty good idear and as I say they's 2 or +3 feels pretty sick and one a specially. But I guess at that they don't no +one feel no worse then me though they can't nobody say I am to blame for +what's happened but still in all I might of interfered because I am the +only 1 of them that has got a heart Al and the only reason Alcock and Brady +is so sick now is that they are scared to death of what will happen to them +if they get found out. Because their smartness won't get them nothing up in +front of the Court Marshall as he has seen to many birds just like them. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al I am on post duty tonight and maybe you don't know what that means. +Well old pal its no Elks carnivle at no time and just think what it will be +tonight with your ears straining for a cry from out there. And if the cry +comes Al they won't only be the 1 thing to do and I will be the 1 to do it. +</p> + +<p> +So this may be the last time you will hear from me old pal and I wanted you +to know in the case anything come off just how it happened as I won't be +here to write it to you afterwards. +</p> + +<p> +All as I can think about now Al is 2 things and 1 of them is that little +gal back home that won't never see her daddy but maybe when she gets 4 or +5 yrs. old she will ask her mother "Why haven't I got a daddy like other +little girls?" But maybe she will have 1 by that time Al. But what I am +thinking about the most is that poor 1/2 wit out there and as Brady says he +isn't nothing but a Mormon any way and ought never to of got in the army +but still and all he is a man and its our duty to fight and die for him if +needs to be. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>In the Hospital, July 20.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: You will half to excuse this writeing as I am proped up in a +funny position in bed and its all as I can do to keep the paper steady as +my left arm ain't no more use then the Russian front. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al yesterday was the 1st. time they left me set up and I wrote a +letter to Florrie and told her I was getting along O. K. as I didn't want +she should worry and this time I will try and write to you. I suppose you +got the note that the little nurse wrote for me about 2 wks. ago and told +you I was getting better. Well old pal the gal that wrote you that little +note is some baby and if you could see the kid that wrote you that little +note you would wished you was laying here in my place. No I guess you +wouldn't wished that Al as they's nobody that would want to go through what +I have been through and they's very few that could stand it like I have and +keep on smileing. +</p> + +<p> +Well old pal they thought for a wile that it was Feeney for yrs. truly as +they say over here and believe me I was in such pain that I would of been +glad to die to get rid of the pain and the Dr. said it was a good thing I +was such a game bird and had such a physic or I couldn't of never stood it. +But I am not strong enough yet to set this way very long so if I am going +to tell you what happened I had better start in. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al this is the 20 of July and that means I have been in here 5 wks. +as it was the 14 of June when all this come off. Well Al I can remember +writeing to you the day of the night it come off and I guess I told you +about this bird Simon getting lost that was always after the souvenirs and +some of the boys told him they wasn't no Germans over in the other trenchs +but just a bird name Motorcycle Mike that went up and down the section +throwing flares so as we would think they was Germans over there. So they +told him if he wanted to go out in Nobody's Land and spear souvenirs it was +safe if you went just after Mike had made his rounds so as the snippers +wouldn't get you. +</p> + +<p> +Well old pal I was standing there looking out over Nobody's Land that night +and I couldn't think of nothing only poor Simon and listening to hear if I +couldn't maybe hear him call from somewheres out there and I don't know how +long I had been standing there when I heard a kind of a noise like somebody +scrunching and at the same time they was a flare throwed up from our side +and I seen a figure out there cralling on the ground quite a ways beyond +our wire. Well Al I didn't wait to look twice but I called Corp. Evans and +told him. So he says who did I think it was and I said it must be Simon. So +he says "Well Keefe its up to 1 of us to go get him." So I said "Well Corp. +I guess its my job." So he says "All right Keefe if you feel that way about +it." So I says all right and I'll say Al that he give up his claims without +a struggle. + +Well I started and I was going without my riffle but the Corp. stopped me +and says take it along and I says "What for, do you think I am going to +pick Simon up with a bayonet." So he says who told me it was Simon out +there. Well Al that's the 1st. time I stopped to think it might maybe be +somebody else. +</p> + +<p> +Well Florrie use to say that I couldn't get up in the night for a drink of +water without everybody in the bldg. thinking the world serious must of +started but I bet I didn't knock over no chairs on this trip. Well Al it +took me long enough to get out there as you can bet I wasn't trying for no +record and every time they was a noise I had to lay flat and not buge. But +I got there Al to where I thought I had saw this bird moveing around but +they hadn't no rockets went up since I started and it was like a troop ship +and I couldn't make out no figure of a man or nothing else and I was just +going to whisper Simon's name when I reached out my hand and touched him. +Well Al it wasn't Simon. +</p> + +<p> +Well old pal we had some battle this bird and me and the both of us forgot +bayonets and guns and everything else. I would of killed him sure only he +got a hold of my left hand between his teeth and I couldn't pry it loose. +But believe me Al he took a awful beating with my free hand and I will half +to hand it to him for a game bird only what chance did he have? None Al and +the battle couldn't only end the 1 way and I was just getting ready to grab +his wind pipe and shut off the meter when he left go of my other hand and +let out a yell that you could hear all over the great lakes and then all +of a sudden it seemed like everybody was takeing a flash light and then the +bullets come whizzing from all sides it seemed like and they got me 3 times +Al and never pinked this other bird once. Well Al it wasn't till 2 wks. ago +that I found out that my opponent was Johnny Alcock. +</p> + +<p> +Just 2 wks. ago yesterday Johnny come in and seen me and told me the whole +story and it was the 1st. day they left me see anybody only the Dr. and the +little nurse and was the 1st. day Johnny was able to be up and around. How +is that Al to put a man in the hospital for 3 wks. without useing no gun or +knife or nothing on him only 1 bear fist. Some fist eh Al. +</p> + +<p> +Well it seems like he had been worring so about Simon that he finely went +out there snooping around all by himself looking for him and he was the 1 I +seen when that flare went up and of course we each thought the other 1 was +a German and finely it was him yelling and the rockets going up at the same +time that drawed the fire and I got all of it because I was the bird on +top. +</p> + +<p> +But listen Al till you hear the funny part of it. Simple Simon the bird +that we was both out there looking for him showed up in our trench about a +1/2 hr. after we was brought in and he showed up with a Saxon all right but +the Saxon was dead. Well Al Simon told them that he had ran into this guy +over near their wire and that he was alive when he got him, but Alcock says +that Brady said Simon hadn't only been gone 24 hrs. and the Saxon had been +gone a he--ll of a lot longer than that. +</p> + +<p> +Well they's no hard feeling between Alcock and I and I guess I more then +got even with him for eating out of my hand as they say but Johnny said it +was a shame I couldn't of used some of my strength on a German instead of +him but any way its all over now and the Dr. says my leg is pretty near O. +K. and I can walk on it in a couple wks. but my left arm won't be no use +for god knows how long and maybe never and I guess I'm lucky they didn't +half to clip it off. So I don't know when I will get out of here or where I +will go from here but I guess they's 1 little party that ain't in no hurry +to see me go and I wished you could see her look at me Al and you would say +its to bad I am a married man with 2 kids. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<p class="ctr"> +<a href="images/rd188.jpg"><img src="images/rd188th.jpg" alt="And I wished you could see her look at me, Al"></a> +<br> +<i>And I wished you could see her look at me, Al</i> +<br> +<a href="images/rd188.jpg">Click for larger image</a> +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>Somwheres in France, Aug. 16.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well Al I don't suppose this will reach you any sooner then if I +took it with me and mailed it when I get home but I haven't nothing to do +for a few hrs. so I might as well be writeing you the news. +</p> + +<p> +Well old pal I am homewards bound as they say as the war is Feeney as far +as I am conserned and I am sailing tonight along with a lot of the other +boys that's being sent home for good and when I look at some of the rest of +them I guess I am lucky to be in as good a shape as I am. I am O. K. only +for my arm and wile it won't never be as good as it was I can probably get +to use it pretty good in a few months and all as I can say is thank god it +is my left arm and not the old souper that use to stand Cobb and them on +their head and it will stand them on their head again Al as soon as this +war is over and I guess I won't half to go begging to Comiskey to give me +another chance after what I have done as even if I couldn't pitch up a +alley I would be a money maker for them just setting on the bench and +showing myself after this. +</p> + +<p> +Well we are saying good by to old France and I don't know how the rest +of the boys feels but I am not haveing no trouble controling myself and +when it comes down to cases Al the shoe is on the other ft. and what I am +getting at is that France ought to be the 1 that hates to see us leave as I +doubt if they will ever get a bunch of spenders like us over here again. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al it certainly seems quite down here in this old sea port town after +what we have been through and it seems like I can still hear them big guns +roar and them riffles crack and etc. and I feel like I ought to keep my +head down all the wile and keep out of the snippers way and I could all +most shut my eyes and imagine I was back there again in that he--ll hole +but I know I'm not Al as I don't itch. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al my wounds isn't the only reason I am comeing home but they's +another reason and that is that they want some of us poplar idles to help +rouse up the public on this here next Liberty Loan and I don't mind it as +they have promised to send me home to Chi and I can be with Florrie and +the kids. I will do what I can Al though I can't figure where the public +would need any rouseing up and they certainly wouldn't if they had of been +through what I have been through and maybe some of the other boys to. It +takes jack to run a war Al even if us boys don't get none of it or what we +do get they either send it home to our wife or take it away from us in a +crap game. +</p> + +<p> +Well old pal I left the hospital the day before yesterday and that was the +only time I felt like crying since they told me I was going home and it +wasn't so much for myself Al but that poor little nurse and you would of +felt like crying to if you could of seen the look she give me. Her name is +Charlotte Warren and she lives in Minneapolis and expects to go right back +there after she is through over here but that don't do me no good as a +married man with a couple children has got something better to do besides +flirting with a pretty little nurse and besides I won't never pitch ball in +Minneapolis as I expect to quit the game when I am about 40. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al some of the boys wants to say their farewells to the Vin Rouge and +the la la las and I will half to close and I will write again as soon as I +get home and tell you what the baby gal looks like though they's only the 1 +way she could look and that's good. +</p> + +<p> +Well here is good by to France and good luck to all the boys that's going +to stay over here and Simple Simon with the rest of them and I suppose I +ought to of got a few souvenirs off him to bring home with me. But I guess +at that I will be carrying a souvenir of this war for a long wile Al and +its better than any of them foney ones he has got as the 1 I have got shows +I was realy in it and done my bit for old Glory and the U. S. A. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<hr> + +<p> +<i>Chicago, Aug. 29.</i> +</p> + +<p> +FRIEND AL: Well Al here I am back in old Chi and feeling pretty good only +for my arm and my left leg is still stiff yet and I caught a mean cold +comeing across the old pond but what is a few little things like that as +the main thing is being home. +</p> + +<p> +Well old pal they wasn't nothing happened on the trip across the old pond +only it took a whole lot to long and believe me old N. Y. looked good but +believe me I wouldn't waist no time in N. Y. only long enough to climb +outside a big steak and the waiter had to cut it up for me but even the +waiters treated us fine and everywheres we showed up the people was wild +about us and cheered and clapped and it sounded like old times when I use +to walk out there to warm up. +</p> + +<p> +Well we hit N. Y. in the A. M. and left that night and got here last eve. +and I didn't leave Florrie know just when I was comeing as I wanted to +supprise her. Well Al I ought to of wired ahead and told her to go easy on +my poor old arm because when she opened the door and seen me she give a +running hop step and jump and dam near killed me. So then she seen my arm +in a sling and cried and cried and she says "Oh my poor boy what have you +been through." So I says "Well you have been through something yourself so +its 50 50 only I got this from a German." +</p> + +<p> +Well Al little Al was the cutest thing you ever seen and he grabbed me by +the good hand and rushed me in to where the little stranger was laying and +she was asleep but we broke the rules for once and all and all it was some +party and she is some little gal Al and pretty as a picture and when you +can say that for a 3 mos. old its going some as the most of them looks like +a French breakfast. +</p> + +<p> +Well I finely happened to think of Sister Marie and I asked where she was +at and Florrie says she went back to Texas so I says tough luck and Florrie +says I needn't get so gay the 1st. evening home and she says "Any way we +have still got a Marie in the house as that is what I call the baby." +So I says "Well you can think of her that way but her name ain't going +to be that as I don't like the name." So she says what name did I like +and I pretended like I was thinking a wile and finely I says what is the +matter with Charlotte. Well Al you will half to hand it to the women for +detectives as I hadn't no sooner said the name when she says "Oh no you +can't come home and name my baby after none of your French nurses." And I +hadn't told her nothing about a nurse. +</p> + +<p> +Well any way I says I had met a whole lot more Maries then Charlottes in +France and she says had I met any Florries and I said no and that was realy +the name I had picked out for the kid. So she says well she didn't like the +name herself but it was the only name I could pick out that she wouldn't be +suspicious of it so the little gal is named after her mother Al and if she +only grows up 1/2 as pretty as her old lady it won't make no differents if +she has got a funny name. +</p> + +<p> +Well Al have you noticed what direction the Dutchmens is makeing their +drive in now? They started going the other way the 18 of July and it was 2 +days ahead of that time that our regt. was moved over to the war and now +they are running them ragged. Well Al I wished I was there to help but even +if I was worth a dam to fight I couldn't very well leave home just now. +</p> + +<p> +Your pal, JACK. +</p> + +<p> +THE END +</p> + +<p> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Real Dope, by Ring Lardner + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE REAL DOPE *** + +***** This file should be named 7405-h.htm or 7405-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/7/4/0/7405/ + +Produced by Eric Eldred, William Flis and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will +be renamed. + +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United +States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part +of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm +concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, +and may not be used if you charge for the eBooks, unless you receive +specific permission. If you do not charge anything for copies of this +eBook, complying with the rules is very easy. You may use this eBook +for nearly any purpose such as creation of derivative works, reports, +performances and research. They may be modified and printed and given +away--you may do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks +not protected by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the +trademark license, especially commercial redistribution. + +START: FULL LICENSE + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full +Project Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at +www.gutenberg.org/license. + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or +destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your +possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a +Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound +by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the +person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph +1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this +agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the +Foundation" or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection +of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual +works in the collection are in the public domain in the United +States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the +United States and you are located in the United States, we do not +claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, +displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as +all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope +that you will support the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting +free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm +works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the +Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with the work. You can easily +comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the +same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg-tm License when +you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are +in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, +check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this +agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, +distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any +other Project Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no +representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any +country outside the United States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other +immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear +prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work +on which the phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, +performed, viewed, copied or distributed: + + This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and + most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no + restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it + under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this + eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the + United States, you'll have to check the laws of the country where you + are located before using this ebook. + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is +derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not +contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the +copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in +the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are +redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply +either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or +obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg-tm +trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any +additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms +will be linked to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works +posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the +beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including +any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access +to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format +other than "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official +version posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site +(www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense +to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means +of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original "Plain +Vanilla ASCII" or other form. Any alternate format must include the +full Project Gutenberg-tm License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +provided that + +* You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed + to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he has + agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project + Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid + within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are + legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty + payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project + Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in + Section 4, "Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg + Literary Archive Foundation." + +* You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all + copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue + all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg-tm + works. + +* You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of + any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of + receipt of the work. + +* You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work or group of works on different terms than +are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing +from both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and The +Project Gutenberg Trademark LLC, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm +trademark. Contact the Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project +Gutenberg-tm collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may +contain "Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate +or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other +intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or +other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or +cannot be read by your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium +with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you +with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in +lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person +or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second +opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If +the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing +without further opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO +OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT +LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of +damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement +violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the +agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or +limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or +unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the +remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in +accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the +production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, +including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of +the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this +or any Project Gutenberg-tm work, (b) alteration, modification, or +additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any +Defect you cause. + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of +computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It +exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations +from people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future +generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see +Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at +www.gutenberg.org + + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by +U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is in Fairbanks, Alaska, with the +mailing address: PO Box 750175, Fairbanks, AK 99775, but its +volunteers and employees are scattered throughout numerous +locations. Its business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, Salt +Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up to +date contact information can be found at the Foundation's web site and +official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact + +For additional contact information: + + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND +DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular +state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To +donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project +Gutenberg-tm concept of a library of electronic works that could be +freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and +distributed Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of +volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in +the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not +necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper +edition. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search +facility: www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + + + +</pre> + +</body> +</html> diff --git a/7405-h/images/rd001.jpg b/7405-h/images/rd001.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..38d58b8 --- /dev/null +++ b/7405-h/images/rd001.jpg diff --git a/7405-h/images/rd001th.jpg b/7405-h/images/rd001th.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a80b227 --- /dev/null +++ b/7405-h/images/rd001th.jpg diff --git a/7405-h/images/rd087.jpg b/7405-h/images/rd087.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..14079b2 --- /dev/null +++ b/7405-h/images/rd087.jpg diff --git a/7405-h/images/rd087th.jpg b/7405-h/images/rd087th.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e6e17f4 --- /dev/null +++ b/7405-h/images/rd087th.jpg diff --git a/7405-h/images/rd120.jpg b/7405-h/images/rd120.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..be5c63c --- /dev/null +++ b/7405-h/images/rd120.jpg diff --git a/7405-h/images/rd120th.jpg b/7405-h/images/rd120th.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0a41f7c --- /dev/null +++ b/7405-h/images/rd120th.jpg diff --git a/7405-h/images/rd137.jpg b/7405-h/images/rd137.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..104b6dd --- /dev/null +++ b/7405-h/images/rd137.jpg diff --git a/7405-h/images/rd137th.jpg b/7405-h/images/rd137th.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6ae6e70 --- /dev/null +++ b/7405-h/images/rd137th.jpg diff --git a/7405-h/images/rd188.jpg b/7405-h/images/rd188.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f2bb26c --- /dev/null +++ b/7405-h/images/rd188.jpg diff --git a/7405-h/images/rd188th.jpg b/7405-h/images/rd188th.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0ffcbad --- /dev/null +++ b/7405-h/images/rd188th.jpg diff --git a/7405.txt b/7405.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b964d3a --- /dev/null +++ b/7405.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4609 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Real Dope, by Ring Lardner + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most +other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions +whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of +the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at +www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have +to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. + +Title: The Real Dope + +Author: Ring Lardner + +Posting Date: February 12, 2015 [EBook #7405] +Release Date: February, 2005 +First Posted: April 24, 2003 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE REAL DOPE *** + + + + +Produced by Eric Eldred, William Flis and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + + + + + + +[Illustration: Well, Al, just as this was coming off her old man come at +me] + + + THE REAL DOPE, + + By + + RING W. LARDNER + + AUTHOR OF + + GULLIBLE'S TRAVELS, MY FOUR WEEKS IN FRANCE, + TREAT 'EM ROUGH, ETC. + + ILLUSTRATED BY + + MAY WILSON PRESTON + + AND + + M. L. BLUMENTHAL + + + + + + +CHAPTER I + +AND MANY A STORMY WIND SHALL BLOW + + +_On the Ship Board, Jan. 15._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al I suppose it is kind of foolish to be writeing you a +letter now when they won't be no chance to mail it till we get across the +old pond but still and all a man has got to do something to keep themself +busy and I know you will be glad to hear all about our trip so I might as +well write you a letter when ever I get a chance and I can mail them to you +all at once when we get across the old pond and you will think I have wrote +a book or something. + +Jokeing a side Al you are lucky to have an old pal thats going to see all +the fun and write to you about it because its a different thing haveing +a person write to you about what they see themself then getting the dope +out of a newspaper or something because you will know that what I tell you +is the real dope that I seen myself where if you read it in a newspaper +you know its guest work because in the 1st. place they don't leave the +reporters get nowheres near the front and besides that they wouldn't go +there if they had a leave because they would be to scared like the baseball +reporters that sets a mile from the game because they haven't got the nerve +to get down on the field where a man could take a punch at them and even +when they are a mile away with a screen in front of them they duck when +somebody hits a pop foul. + +Well Al it is against the rules to tell you when we left the old U. S. or +where we come away from because the pro German spy might get a hold of a +man's letter some way and then it would be good night because he would send +a telegram to where the submarines is located at and they wouldn't send no +1 or 2 submarines after us but the whole German navy would get after us +because they would figure that if they ever got us it would be a rich hall. +When I say that Al I don't mean it to sound like I was swell headed or +something and I don't mean it would be a rich hall because I am on board or +nothing like that but you would know what I am getting at if you seen the +bunch we are takeing across. + +In the 1st. place Al this is a different kind of a trip then the time I +went around the world with the 2 ball clubs because then it was just the 1 +boat load and only for two or 3 of the boys on board it wouldn't of made no +difference if the boat had of turned a turtle only to pave the whole bottom +of the ocean with ivory. But this time Al we have got not only 1 boat load +but we got four boat loads of soldiers alone and that is not all we have +got. All together Al there is 10 boats in the parade and 6 of them is what +they call the convoys and that means war ships that goes along to see that +we get there safe on acct. of the submarines and four of them is what they +call destroyers and they are little bits of shafers but they say they can +go like he--ll when they get started and when a submarine pops up these +little birds chases right after them and drops a death bomb on to them and +if it ever hits them the capt. of the submarine can pick up what is left of +his boat and stick a 2 cent stamp on it and mail it to the kaiser. + +Jokeing a side I guess they's no chance of a submarine getting fat off +of us as long as these little birds is on watch so I don't see why a man +shouldn't come right out and say when we left and from where we come from +but if they didn't have some kind of rules they's a lot of guys that +wouldn't know no better then write to Van Hinburg or somebody and tell them +all they know but I guess at that they could use a post card. + +Well Al we been at sea just two days and a lot of the boys has gave up the +ghost all ready and pretty near everything else but I haven't felt the +least bit sick that is sea sick but I will own up I felt a little home sick +just as we come out of the harbor and seen the godess of liberty standing +up there maybe for the last time but don't think for a minute Al that I +am sorry I come and I only wish we was over there all ready and could get +in to it and the only kick I got comeing so far is that we haven't got no +further then we are now on acct. that we didn't do nothing the 1st. day +only stall around like we was waiting for Connie Mack to waggle his score +card or something. + +But we will get there some time and when we do you can bet we will show +them something and I am tickled to death I am going and if I lay down my +life I will feel like it wasn't throwed away for nothing like you would die +of tyford fever or something. + +Well I would of liked to of had Florrie and little Al come east and see me +off but Florrie felt like she couldn't afford to spend the money to make +another long trip after making one long trip down to Texas and besides we +wasn't even supposed to tell our family where we was going to sail from +but I notice they was a lot of women folks right down to the dock to bid +us good by and I suppose they just guessed what was comeing off eh Al? Or +maybe they was all strangers that just happened to be there but I'll say I +never seen so much kissing between strangers. Any way I and my family had +our farewells out west and Florrie was got up like a fancy dress ball and I +suppose if I die where she can tend the funeral she will come in pink +tights or something. + +Well Al I better not keep on talking about Florrie and little Al or I will +do the baby act and any way its pretty near time for chow but I suppose you +will wonder what am I talking about when I say chow. Well Al that's the +name we boys got up down to Camp Grant for stuff to eat and when we talk +about food instead of saying food we say chow so that's what I am getting +at when I say its pretty near time for chow. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_On the Ship Board, Jan. 17._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al here we are out somewheres in the middle of the old pond +and I wished the trip was over not because I have been sea sick or anything +but I can't hardly wait to get over there and get in to it and besides they +got us jammed in like a sardine or something and four of us in 1 state room +and I don't mind doubleing up with some good pal but a man can't get no +rest when they's four trying to sleep in a room that wouldn't be big enough +for Nemo Liebold but I wouldn't make no holler at that if they had of left +us pick our own roomys but out of the four of us they's one that looks like +he must of bribed the jury or he wouldn't be here and his name is Smith and +another one's name is Sam Hall and he has always got a grouch on and the +other boy is O. K. only I would like him a whole lot better if he was about +1/2 his size but no he is as big as me only not put up like I am. His name +is Lee and he pulls a lot of funny stuff like this A. M. he says they must +of thought us four was a male quartette and they stuck us all in together +so as we could get some close harmony. That's what they call it when they +hit them minors. + +Well Al I always been use to sleeping with my feet in bed with me but you +can't do that in the bunk I have got because your knee would crack you in +the jaw and knock you out and even if they was room to strech Hall keeps +crabbing till you can't rest and he keeps the room filled up with cigarette +smoke and no air and you can't open up the port hole or you would freeze +to death so about the only chance I get to sleep is up in the parlor in a +chair in the day time and you don't no sooner set down when they got a life +boat drill or something and for some reason another they have a role call +every day and that means everybody has got to answer to their name to see +if we are all on board just as if they was any other place to go. + +When they give the signal for a life boat drill everybody has got to stick +their life belt on and go to the boat where they have been given the number +of it and even when everybody knows its a fake you got to show up just the +same and yesterday they was one bird thats supposed to go in our life boat +and he was sea sick and he didn't show up so they went after him and one of +the officers told him that wasn't no excuse and what would he do if he was +sea sick and the ship was realy sinking and he says he thought it was realy +sinking ever since we started. + +Well Al we got some crowd on the boat and they's two French officers along +with us that been giveing drills and etc. in one of the camps in the U. S. +and navy officers and gunners and a man would almost wish something would +happen because I bet we would put up some battle. + +Lee just come in and asked me who was I writeing to and I told him and he +says I better be careful to not write nothing against anybody on the trip +just as if I would. But any way I asked him why not and he says because all +the mail would be opened and read by the censor so I said "Yes but he won't +see this because I won't mail it till we get across the old pond and then I +will mail all my letters at once." + +So he said a man can't do it that way because just before we hit land the +censor will take all our mail off of us and read it and cut out whatever +he don't like and then mail it himself. So I didn't know we had a censor +along with us but Lee says we certainly have got one and he is up in the +front ship and they call that the censor ship on acct. of him being on +there. + +Well Al I don't care what he reads and what he don't read because I am not +the kind that spill anything about the trip that would hurt anybody or get +them in bad. So he is welcome to read anything I write you might say. + +This front ship is the slowest one of the whole four and how is that for +fine judgment Al to put the slowest one ahead and this ship we are on is +the fastest and they keep us behind instead of leaving us go up ahead and +set the pace for them and no wonder we never get nowheres. Of course that +ain't the censor's fault but if the old U. S. is in such a hurry to get men +across the pond I should think they would use some judgment and its just +like as if Hughey Jennings would stick Oscar Stanage or somebody ahead of +Cobb in the batting order so as Cobb couldn't make to many bases on a hit. + +Well Al I will have to cut it out for now because its pretty near time for +chow and that's the name we got up out to Camp Grant for meals and now +everybody in the army when they talk about food they call it chow. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_On the Ship Board, Jan. 19._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al they have got a new nickname for me and now they call +me Jack Tar and Bob Lee got it up and I will tell you how it come off. Last +night was one rough bird and I guess pretty near everybody on the boat were +sick and Lee says to me how was it that I stood the rough weather so good +and it didn't seem to effect me so I says it was probably on acct. of me +going around the world that time with the two ball clubs and I was right at +home on the water so he says "I guess we better call you Jack Tar." + +So that's how they come to call me Jack Tar and its a name they got for old +sailors that's been all their life on the water. So on acct. of my name +being Jack it fits in pretty good. + +Well a man can't help from feeling sorry for the boys that have not been +across the old pond before and can't stand a little rough spell but it +makes a man kind of proud to think the rough weather don't effect you when +pretty near everybody else feels like a churn or something the minute a +drop of water splashes vs. the side of the boat but still a man can't +hardly help from laughing when they look at them. + +Lee says he would of thought I would of enlisted in the navy on acct. of +being such a good sailor. Well I would of Al if I had knew they needed +men and I told Lee so and he said he thought the U. S. made a big mistake +keeping it a secret that they did need men in the navy till all the good +ones enlisted in the draft and then of course the navy had to take what +they could get. + +Well I guess I all ready told you that one of the boys in our room is named +Freddie Smith and he don't never say a word and I thought at 1st. it was +because he was a kind of a bum like Hall that didn't know nothing and +that's why he didn't say it but it seems the reason he don't talk more is +because he can't talk English very good but he is a Frenchman and he was a +waiter in the big French resturent in Milwaukee and now what do you think +Al he is going to learn Lee and I French lessons and Lee fixed it up with +him. We want to learn how to talk a little so when we get there we can make +ourself understood and you remember I started studing French out to Camp +Grant but the man down there didn't know nothing about what he was talking +about so I walked out on him but this bird won't try and learn us grammer +or how you spell it or nothing like that but just a few words so as we can +order drinks and meals and etc. when we get a leave off some time. Tonight +we are going to have our 1st. lesson and with a man like he to learn us we +ought to pick it up quick. + +Well old pal I will wind up for this time as I don't feel very good on +acct. of something I eat this noon and its a wonder a man can keep up at +all where they got you in a stateroom jammed in like a sardine or something +and Hall smokeing all the while like he was a freight engine pulling a +freight train up grade or something. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_On the Ship Board, Jan. 20._ + +FRIEND AL: Just a line Al because I don't feel like writeing as I was taken +sick last night from something I eat and who wouldn't be sick jammed in a +room like a sardine. + +I had a kind of a run in with Hall because he tried to kid me about being +sick with some of his funny stuff but I told him where to head in. He +started out by saying to Lee that Jack Tar looked like somebody had knocked +the tar out of him and after a while he says "What's the matter with the +old salt tonight he don't seem to have no pepper with him." So I told him +to shut up. + +Well we didn't have no French lesson on acct. of me being taken sick but +we are going to have a lesson tonight and pretty soon I am going up and +try and eat something and I hope they don't try and hand me no more of that +canned beans or whatever it was that effected me and if Uncle Sam wants his +boys to go over there and put up a battle he shouldn't try and poison them +first. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_On the Ship Board, Jan. 21._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al I was talking to one of the sailors named Doran to-day +and he says in a day or 2 more we would be right in the danger zone where +all the subs hangs out and then would come the fun and we would probably +all have to keep our clothes on all night and keep our life belts on and I +asked him if they was much danger with all them convoys guarding us and he +says the subs might fire a periscope right between two of the convoys and +hit our ship and maybe the convoys might get them afterwards but then it +would be to late. + +He said the last time he come over with troops they was two subs got after +this ship and they shot two periscopes at this ship and just missed it and +they seem to be laying for this ship because its one of the biggest and +fastest the U. S. has got. + +Well I told Doran it wouldn't bother me to keep my clothes on all night +because I all ready been keeping them on all night because when you have +got a state room like ours they's only one place where they's room for a +man's clothes and that's on you. + +Well old pal they's a whole lot of difference between learning something +from somebody that knows what they are talking about and visa versa. I and +Lee and Smith got together in the room last night and we wasn't at it more +than an hour but I learned more then all the time I took lessons from that +4 flusher out to Camp Grant because Smith don't waist no time with a lot of +junk about grammer but I or Lee would ask him what was the French for so +and so and he would tell us and we would write it down and say it over till +we had it down pat and I bet we could pretty near order a meal now without +no help from some of these smart alex that claims they can talk all the +languages in the world. + +In the 1st. place they's a whole lot of words in French that they's no +difference you might say between them from the way we say it like beef +steak and beer because Lee asked him if suppose we went in somewheres and +wanted a steak and bread and butter and beer and the French for and is +und so we would say beef steak und brot mit butter schmieren und bier and +that's all they is to it and I can say that without looking at the paper +where we wrote it down and you can see I have got that much learned all +ready so I wouldn't starve and when you want to call a waiter you call him +kellner so you see I could go in a place in Paris and call a waiter and get +everything I wanted. Well Al I bet nobody ever learned that much in I hour +off that bird out to Camp Grant and I'll say its some speed. + +We are going to have another lesson tonight but Lee says we don't want to +try and learn to, much at once or we will forget what we all ready learned +and they's a good deal to that Al. + +Well Al its time for chow again so lebe wohl and that's the same like good +by in French. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_On the Ship Board, Jan. 22._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al we are in what they call the danger zone and they's some +excitement these days and at night to because they don't many of the boys +go to sleep nights and they go to their rooms and pretend like they are +going to sleep but I bet you wouldn't need no alarm clock to make them jump +out of bed. + +Most of the boys stays out on deck most of the time and I been staying out +there myself most all day today not because I am scared of anything because +I always figure if its going to happen its going to happen but I stay out +because it ain't near as cold as it was and besides if something is comeing +off I don't want to miss it. Besides maybe I could help out some way if +something did happen. + +Last night we was all out on deck in the dark talking about this and that +and one of the boys I was standing along side of him made the remark that +we had been out nine days and he didn't see no France yet or no signs of +getting there so I said no wonder when we had such a he--ll of a censor +ship and some other guy heard me say it so he said I better not talk like +that but I didn't mean it like that but only how slow it was. + +Well we are getting along O. K. with the French lessons and Bob Lee told +me last night that he run across one of the two French officers that's on +the ship and he thought he would try some of his French on him so he said +something about it being a nice day in French and the Frenchman was tickled +to death and smiled and bowed at him and I guess I will try it out on them +the next time I see them. + +Well Al that shows we been learning something when the Frenchmans themself +know what we are talking about and I and Lee will have the laugh on the +rest of the boys when we get there that is if we do get there but for some +reason another I have got a hunch that we won't never see France and I +can't explain why but once in a while a man gets a hunch and a lot of times +they are generally always right. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_On the Ship Board, Jan. 23._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al I was just out on deck with Lee and Sargent Bishop and +Bishop is a sargent in our Co. and he said he had just came from Capt. +Seeley and Capt. Seeley told him to tell all the N. C. O. officers like +sargents and corporals that if a sub got us we was to leave the privates +get into the boats first before we got in and we wasn't to get into our +boats till all the privates was safe in the boats because we would probably +be cooler and not get all excited like the privates. So you see Al if +something does happen us birds will have to take things in hand you might +say and we will have to stick on the job and not think about ourselfs till +everybody else is taken care of. + +Well Lee said that Doran one of the sailors told him something on the quiet +that didn't never get into the newspapers and that was about one of the +trips that come off in December and it seems like a whole fleet of subs got +on to it that some transports was comeing so they layed for them and they +shot a periscope at one of the transports and hit it square in the middle +and it begun to sink right away and it looked like they wouldn't nobody get +into the boats but the sargents and corporals was as cool as if nothing was +comeing off and they quieted the soldiers down and finely got them into the +boats and the N. C. O. officers was so cool and done so well that when Gen. +Pershing heard about it he made this rule about the N. C. O. officer always +waiting till the last so they could kind of handle things. But Doran also +told Lee that they was some men sunk with the ship and they was all N. C. +O. officers except one sailor and of course the ship sunk so quick that +some of the corporals and sargents didn't have no time to get off on +acct. of haveing to wait till the last. So you see that when you read the +newspapers you don't get all the dope because they don't tell the reporters +only what they feel like telling them. + +Well Al I guess I told you all ready about me haveing this hunch that I +wouldn't never see France and I guess it looks now more then ever like my +hunch was right because if we get hit I will have to kind of look out for +the boys that's in my boat and not think about myself till everybody else +is O. K. and Doran says if this ship ever does get hit it will sink quick +because its so big and heavy and of course the heavier a ship is it will +sink all the sooner and Doran says he knows they are laying for us because +he has made five trips over and back on this ship and he never was on a +trip when a sub didn't get after them. + +Well I will close for this time because I am not feeling very good Al and +it isn't nothing I eat or like that but its just I feel kind of faint like +I use to sometimes when I would pitch a tough game in St. Louis when it was +hot or something. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_On the Ship Board, Jan. 23._ + +FRIEND AL: Well I all ready wrote you one letter today but I kind of feel +like I better write to you again because any minute we are libel to hear +a bang against the side of the boat and you know what that means and I +have got a hunch that I won't never get off of the ship alive but will go +down with her because I wouldn't never leave the ship as long as they was +anybody left on her rules or no rules but I would stay and help out till +every man was off and then of course it would be to late but any way I +would go down feeling like I had done my duty. Well Al when a man has got a +hunch like that he would be a sucker to not pay no tension to it and that +is why I am writeing to you again because I got some things I want to say +before the end. + +Now old pal I know that Florrie hasn't never warmed up towards you and +Bertha and wouldn't never go down to Bedford with me and pay you a visit +and every time I ever give her a hint that I would like to have you and +Bertha come up and see us she always had some excuse that she was going +to be busy or this and that and of course I knew she was trying to alibi +herself and the truth was she always felt like Bertha and her wouldn't have +nothing in common you might say because Florrie has always been a swell +dresser and cared a whole lot about how she looked and some way she felt +like Bertha wouldn't feel comfortable around where she was at and maybe she +was right but we can forget all that now Al and I can say one thing Al she +never said nothing reflecting on you yourself in any way because I wouldn't +of stood for it but instead of that when I showed her that picture of you +and Bertha in your wedding suit she made the remark that you looked like +one of the honest homely kind of people that their friends could always +depend on them. Well Al when she said that she hit the nail on the head and +I always knew you was the one pal who I could depend on and I am depending +on you now and I know that if I am laying down at the bottom of the ocean +tonight you will see that my wishs in this letter is carried out to the +letter. + +What I want to say is about Florrie and little Al. Now don't think Al that +I am going to ask you for financial assistants because I would know better +then that and besides we don't need it on acct. of me having $10000 dollars +soldier insurence in Florrie's name as the benefitter and the way she is +coining money in that beauty parlor she won't need to touch my insurence +but save it for little Al for a rainy day only I suppose that the minute +she gets her hands on it she will blow it for widows weeds and I bet they +will be some weeds Al and everybody will think they are flowers instead of +weeds. + +But what I am getting at is that she won't need no money because with what +I leave her and what she can make she has got enough and more then enough +but I often say that money isn't the only thing in this world and they's +a whole lot of things pretty near as good and one of them is kindness and +what I am asking from you and Bertha is to drop in on her once in a while +up in Chi and pay her a visit and I have all ready wrote her a letter +telling her to ask you but even if she don't ask you go and see her any way +and see how she is getting along and if she is takeing good care of the kid +or leaving him with the Swede nurse all the while. + +Between you and I Al what I am scared of most is that Florrie's mind will +be effected if anything happens to me and without knowing what she was +doing she would probably take the first man that asked her and believe me +she is not the kind that would have to wait around on no st. corner to +catch somebody's eye but they would follow her around and nag at her till +she married them and I would feel like he--ll over it because Florrie is +the kind of a girl that has got to be handled right and not only that but +what would become of little Al with some horse Dr. for a father in law and +probably this bird would treat him like a dog and beat him up either that +or make a sissy out of him. + +Well Al old pal I know you will do like I ask and go and see her and maybe +you better go alone but if you do take Bertha along I guess it would be +better and not let Bertha say nothing to her because Florrie is the kind +that flare up easy and specially when they think they are a little better +then somebody. But if you could just drop her a hint and say that she +should ought to be proud to be a widow to a husband that died for Uncle Sam +and she ought to live for my memory and for little Al and try and make him +as much like I as possible I believe it would make her think and any way I +want you to do it for me old pal. + +Well good by old pal and I wished I could leave some thing to you and +Bertha and believe me I would if I had ever known this was comeing off this +way though of course I figured right along that I wouldn't last long in +France because what chance has a corporal got? But I figured I would make +some arrangements for a little present for you and Bertha as soon as I got +to France but of course it looks now like I wouldn't never get there and +all the money I have got is tied up so its to late to think of that and all +as I can say is good luck to you and Bertha and everybody in Bedford and I +hope they will be proud of me and remember I done my best and I often say +what more can a man do then that? + +Well Al I will say good by again and good luck and now have got to quit and +go to chow. + +Your pal to the last, JACK KEEFE. + + * * * * * + +_On the Ship Board, Jan. 24._ + +FRIEND AL: Well this has been some day and wait till you hear about it and +hear what come off and some of the birds on this ship took me for a sucker +and tried to make a rummy out of me but I was wise to their game and I +guess the shoe is on the other foot this time. + +Well it was early this A. M. and I couldn't sleep and I was up on deck and +along come one of them French officers that's been on board all the way +over. Well I thought I would try myself out on him like Lee said he done so +I give him a salute and I said to him "Schones tag nicht wahr." Like you +would say its a beautiful day only I thought I was saying it in French but +wait till you hear about it Al. + +Well Al they ain't nobody in the world fast enough to of caught what he +said back to me and I won't never know what he said but I won't never +forget how he looked at me and when I took one look at him I seen we wasn't +going to get along very good so I turned around and started up the deck. +Well he must of flagged the first man he seen and sent him after me and it +was a 2d. lieut. and he come running up to me and stopped me and asked me +what was my name and what Co. and etc. and at first I was going to stall +and then I thought I better not so I told him who I was and he left me go. + +Well I didn't know then what was comeing off so I just layed low and I +didn't have to wait around long and all of a sudden a bird from the +Colonel's staff found me in the parlor and says I was wanted right away and +when I got to this room there was the Col. and the two Frenchmans and my +captain Capt. Seeley and a couple others so I saluted and I can't tell you +exactly what come off because I can't remember all what the Colonel said +but it was something like this. + +In the first place he says "Corporal Keefe they's some little matters +that you have got to explain and we was going to pass them up first on the +grounds that Capt. Seeley said you probably didn't know no better but this +thing that come off this A. M. can't be explained by ignorants." + +So then he says "It was reported that you was standing on deck the night +before last and you made the remark that we had a he--ll of a censor ship." +And he says "What did you mean by that?" + +So you see Al this smart alex of a Lee had told me they called the first +ship the censor ship and I believed him at first because I was thinking +about something else or of course I never would of believed him because +the censor ship isn't no ship like this kind of a ship but means something +else. So I explained about that and I seen Capt. Seeley kind of crack a +smile so then I knew I was O. K. + +So then he pulled it on me about speaking to Capt. Somebody of the French +army in the German language and of course they was only one answer to that +and you see the way it was Al all the time Smith was pretending to learn +us French he was learning us German and Lee put him up to it but when the +Colonel asked me what I meant by doing such a thing as talk German why of +course I knew in a minute that they had been trying to kid me but at first +I told the Colonel I couldn't of said no German because I don't know no +more German than Silk O'Loughlin. Well the Frenchman was pretty sore and I +don't know what would of came off only for Capt. Seeley and he spoke up and +said to the Colonel that if he could have a few minutes to investigate he +thought he could clear things up because he figured I hadn't intended to do +nothing wrong and somebody had probably been playing jokes. + +So Capt. Seeley went out and it seemed like a couple of yrs. till he came +back and he had Smith and Lee and Doran with him. So then them 3 birds was +up on the carpet and I'll say they got some panning and when it was all +over the Colonel said something about they being a dam site to much kidding +back and fourth going on and he hoped that before long we would find out +that this war wasn't no practicle joke and he give Lee and Smith a fierce +balling out and he said he would leave Capt. Seeley to deal with them +and he would report Doran to the proper quarters and then he was back on +me again and he said it looked like I had been the innocent victim of a +practicle joke but he says "You are so dam innocent that I figure you are +temperately unfit to hold on to a corporal's warrant so you can consider +yourself reduced to the ranks. We can't have no corporals that if some +comedian told them the Germans was now one of our allies they would try +and get in the German trenches and shake hands with them." + +Well Al when it was all over I couldn't hardly keep from laughing because +you see I come out of it O. K. and the laugh was on Smith and Lee and Doran +because I got just what I wanted because I never did want to be a corporal +because it meant I couldn't pal around with the boys and be their pals and +I never felt right when I was giveing them orders because I would rather be +just one of them and make them feel like we were all equals. + +Of course they wasn't no time on the whole trip when Lee or Doran or Smith +either one of them had me fooled because just to look at them you would +know they are the kind of smart alex that's always trying to put something +over on somebody only I figured two could play at that game as good as one +and I would kid them right back and give them as good as they sent because +I always figure that the game ain't over till the ninth inning and the man +that does the laughing then has got all the best of it. But at that I don't +bear no bad will towards neither one of them and I have got a good notion +to ask Capt. Seeley to let them off easy. + +Well Al this is a long letter but I wanted you to know I wasn't no corporal +no more and if a sub hits us now Al I can hop into a boat as quick as I +feel like it but jokeing a side if something like that happened it wouldn't +make no difference to me if I was a corporal or not a corporal because I am +a man and I would do my best and help the rest of the boys get into the +boats before I thought about myself. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_On the Ship Board, Jan. 25._ + +FRIEND AL: Well old pal just a line to let you know we are out of the +danger zone and pretty near in port and I can't tell you where we land at +but everybody is hollering and the band's playing and I guess the boys +feels a whole lot better then when we was out there where the subs could +get at us but between you and I Al I never thought about the subs all the +way over only when I heard somebody else talk about them because I always +figure that if they's some danger of that kind the best way to do is just +forget it and if its going to happen all right but what's the use of +worrying about it? But I suppose lots of people is built different and +they have just got to worry all the while and they get scared stiff just +thinking about what might happen but I always say nobody ever got fat +worrying so why not just forget it and take things as they come. + +Well old pal they's to many sights to see so I will quit for this time. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, Jan. 26._ + +FRIEND AL: Well old pal here we are and its against the rules to tell you +where we are at but of course it don't take no Shylock to find out because +all you would have to do is look at the post mark that they will put on +this letter. + +Any way you couldn't pronounce what the town's name is if you seen it +spelled out because it isn't nothing like how its spelled out and you won't +catch me trying to pronounce none of these names or talk French because I +am off of languages for a while and good old American is good enough for me +eh Al? + +Well Al now that its all over I guess we was pretty lucky to get across the +old pond without no trouble because between you and I Al I heard just a +little while ago from one of the boys that three nights ago we was attacked +and our ship just missed getting hit by a periscope and the destroyers went +after the subs and they was a whole flock of them and the reason we didn't +hear nothing is that the death bombs don't go off till they are way under +water so you can't hear them but between you and I Al the navy men say they +was nine subs sank. + +Well I didn't say nothing about it to the man who tipped me off but I had +a hunch that night that something was going on and I don't remember now if +it was something I heard or what it was but I knew they was something in +the air and I was expecting every minute that the signal would come for +us to take to the boats but they wasn't no necessity of that because the +destroyers worked so fast and besides they say they don't never give no +alarm till the last minute because they don't want to get everybody up at +night for nothing. + +Well any way its all over now and here we are and you ought to of heard +the people in the town here cheer us when we come in and you ought to see +how the girls look at us and believe me Al they are some girls. Its a good +thing I am an old married man or I believe I would pretty near be tempted +to flirt back with some of the ones that's been trying to get my eye but +the way it is I just give them a smile and pass on and they's no harm in +that and I figure a man always ought to give other people as much pleasure +as you can as long as it don't harm nobody. + +Well Al everybody's busier then a chicken with their head off and I haven't +got no more time to write. But when we get to where we are going I will +have time maybe and tell you how we are getting along and if you want drop +me a line and I wish you would send me the Chi papers once in a while +especially when the baseball training trips starts but maybe they won't be +no Jack Keefe to send them to by that time but if they do get me I will die +fighting. You know me Al. + +Your pal, JACK. + + + + +CHAPTER II + +PRIVATE VALENTINE + + +_Somewheres in France, Feb. 2._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al here I am only I can't tell you where its at because the +censor rubs it out when you put down the name of a town and besides that +even if I was to write out where we are at you wouldn't have no idear where +its at because how you spell them hasn't nothing to do with their name if +you tried to say it. + +For inst. they's a town a little ways from us that when you say it its Lucy +like a gal or something but when you come to spell it out its Loucey like +something else. + +Well Al any way this is where they have got us staying till we get called +up to the front and I can't hardly wait till that comes off and some say it +may be tomorrow and others say we are libel to be here a yr. Well I hope +they are wrong because I would rather live in the trenches then one of +these billets where they got us and between you and I Al its nothing more +then a barn. Just think of a man like I Al thats been use to nothing only +the best hotels in the big league and now they got me staying in a barn +like I was a horse or something and I use to think I was cold when they had +us sleeping with imaginery blankets out to Camp Grant but I would prespire +if I was there now after this and when we get through here they can send us +up to the north pole in our undershirt and we would half to keep moping the +sweat off of our forehead and set under a electric fan to keep from +sweltering. + +Well they have got us pegged as horses all right not only because they give +us a barn to live in but also from the way they sent us here from where +we landed at in France and we made the trip in cattle cars and 1 of the +boys says they must of got us mixed up with the calvary or something. It +certainly was some experience to be rideing on one of these French trains +for a man that went back and fourth to the different towns in the big +league and back in a special Pullman and sometimes 2 of them so as we could +all have lower births. Well we didn't have no births on the French R. R. +and it wouldn't of done us no good to of had them because you wouldn't no +sooner dose off when the engine would let off a screem that sounded like a +woman that seen a snake and 1 of the boys says that on acct. of all the men +being in the army they had women doing the men's work and judgeing by the +noise they even had them whistleing for the crossings. + +Well we finely got here any way and they signed us to our different billets +and they's 20 of us in this one not counting a couple of pigs and god knows +how many rats and a cow that mews all night. We haven't done nothing yet +only look around but Monday we go to work out to the training grounds and +they say we won't only half to march 12 miles through the mud and snow to +get there. Mean time we set and look out the cracks onto Main St. and every +little wile they's a Co. of pollutes marchs through or a train of motor +Lauras takeing stuff up to the front or bringing guys back that didn't duck +quick enough and to see these Frenchmens march you would think it was fun +but when they have been at it a wile they will loose some of their pep. + +Well its warmer in bed then setting here writeing so I will close for this +time. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, Feb. 4._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al I am writeing this in the Y. M. C. A. hut where they +try and keep it warm and all the boys that can crowd in spends most of +their spare time here but we don't have much spare time at that because its +always one thing another and I guess its just as well they keep us busy +because every time they find out you are not doing nothing they begin +vaxinating everybody. + +They's enough noise in here so as a man can't hear yourself think let alone +writeing a letter so if I make mistakes in spelling and etc. in this letter +you will know why it is. They are singing the song now about the baby's +prayer at twilight where the little girl is supposed to be praying for her +daddy that's a soldier to take care of himself but if she was here now she +would be praying for him to shut up his noise. + +Well we was in the trenchs all day not the regular ones but the ones they +got for us to train in them and they was a bunch of French officers trying +to learn us how to do this in that and etc. and some of the time you could +all most understand what they was trying to tell you and then it was stuff +we learnt the first wk. out to Camp Grant and I suppose when they get so as +they can speak a few words of English they will tell us we ought to stand +up when we hear the Star spangle Banner. Well we was a pretty sight when +we got back with the mud and slush and everything and by the time they get +ready to call us into action they will half to page us in the morgue. + +About every 2 or 3 miles today we would pass through a town where some of +the rest of the boys has got their billets only they don't call it miles in +France because that's to easy to say but instead of miles they call them +kilometts. But any way from the number of jerk water burgs we went through +you would think we was on the Monon and the towns all looks so much like +the other that when one of the French soldiers gets a few days leave off +they half to spend most of it looking for land marks so as they will know +if they are where they live. And they couldn't even be sure if it was warm +weather and their folks was standing out in front of the house because all +the familys is just alike with the old Mr. and the Mrs. and pigs and a cow +and a dog. + +Well Al they say its pretty quite these days up to the front and the boys +that's been around here a wile says you can hear the guns when they's +something doing and the wind blows this way but we haven't heard no guns +yet only our own out to where we have riffle practice but everybody says as +soon as spring comes and the weather warms up the Germans is sure to start +something. Well I don't care if they start anything or not just so the +weather warms up and besides they won't never finish what they start unless +they start going back home and they won't even finish that unless they show +a whole lot more speed then they did comeing. They are just trying to throw +a scare into somebody with a lot of junk about a big drive they are going +to make but I have seen birds come up to hit in baseball Al that was going +to drive it out of the park but their drive turned out to be a hump back +liner to the pitcher. I remember once when Speaker come up with a couple +men on and we was 2 runs ahead in the 9th. inning and he says to me "Well +busher here is where I hit one a mile." Well Al he hit one a mile all right +but it was 1/2 a mile up and the other 1/2 a mile down and that's the way +it goes with them gabby guys and its the same way with the Germans and they +talk all the time so as they will get thirsty and that's how they like to +be. + +Speaking about thirsty Al its different over here then at home because when +a man in uniform wants a drink over here you don't half to hire no room in +a hotel and put on your nightgown but you can get it here in your uniform +only what they call beer here we would pore it on our wheat cakes at home +and they got 2 kinds of wine red and white that you could climb outside of +a bbl. of it without asking the head waiter to have them play the Rosery. +But they say the champagne is O. K. and I am going to tackle it when I get +a chance and you may think from that that I have got jack to throw away but +over here Al is where they make the champagne and you can get a qt. of it +for about a buck or 1/2 what you would pay for it in the U. S. and besides +that the money they got here is a frank instead of a dollar and a frank +isn't only worth about $.19 cents so a man can have a whole lot better time +here and not cost him near as much. + +And another place where the people in France has got it on the Americans +and that is that when they write a letter here they don't half to pay +nothing to mail it but when you write to me you have got to stick a 5 cent +stamp on it but judgeing by the way you answer my letters the war will be +all over before you half to break a dime. Of course I am just jokeing Al +and I know why you don't write much because you haven't got nothing to +write staying there in Bedford and you could take a post card and tell me +all the news that happened in 10 yrs. and still have room enough yet to say +Bertha sends kind regards. + +But of course its different with a man like I because I am always where +they is something big going on and first it was baseball and now its a +bigger game yet you might say but whatever is going on big you can always +count on me being in the mist of it and not buried alive in no Indiana X +roads where they still think the first bounce is out. But of course I know +it is not your fault that you haven't been around and seen more and it +ain't every man that can get away from a small town and make a name for +themself and I suppose I ought to consider myself lucky. + +Well Al enough for this time and I will write soon again and I would like +to hear from you even if you haven't nothing to say and don't forget to +send me a Chi paper when you get a hold of one and I asked Florrie to send +me one every day but asking her for favors is like rolling off a duck's +back you might say and its first in one ear and then the other. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, Feb. 7._ + +FRIEND AL: I suppose you have read articles in the papers about the war +that's wrote over here by reporters and the way they do it is they find out +something and then write it up and send it by cablegrams to their papers +and then they print it and that's what you read in the papers. + +Well Al they's a whole flock of these here reporters over here and I guess +they's one for every big paper in the U. S. and they all wear bands around +their sleeves with a C on them for civilian or something so as you can +spot them comeing and keep your mouth shut. Well they have got their head +quarters in one of the towns along the line but they ride all over the camp +in automobiles and this evening I was outside of our billet and one of them +come along and seen me and got out of his car and come up to me and asked +if I wasn't Jack Keefe the White Sox pitcher. Well Al he writes for one of +the Chi papers and of course he knows all about me and has seen me work. +Well he asked me a lot of questions about this in that and I didn't give +him no military secrets but he asked me how did I like the army game and +etc. + +I asked him if he was going to mention about me being here in the paper and +he says the censors wouldn't stand for mentioning no names until you get +killed because if they mentioned your name the Germans would know who all +was here but after you are dead the Germans don't care if you had been here +or not. + +But he says he would put it in the paper that he was talking to a man that +use to be a star pitcher on the White Sox and he says everybody would know +who it was he was talking about because they wasn't such a slue of star +pitchers in the army that it would take a civil service detective to find +out who he meant. + +So we talked along and finely he asked me was I going to write a book about +the war and I said no and he says all right he would tell the paper that he +had ran across a soldier that not only use to be a ball player but wasn't +going to write a book and they would make a big story out of it. + +So I said I wouldn't know how to go about it to write a book but when I +went around the world with the 2 ball clubs that time I use to write some +poultry once in a wile just for different occasions like where the boys was +called on for a speech or something and they didn't know what to say so I +would make up one of my poems and the people would go nuts over them. + +So he said why didn't I tear off a few patriotic poems now and slip them to +him and he would send them to his paper and they would print them and maybe +if some of them was good enough somebody would set down and write a song to +them and probably everybody would want to buy it and sing it like Over +There and I would clean up a good peace of jack. + +Well Al I told him I would see if I could think up something to write and +of course I was just stalling him because a soldier has got something +better to do than write songs and I will leave that to the birds that was +gun shy and stayed home. But if you see in the Chi papers where one of the +reporters was talking to a soldier that use to be a star pitcher in the +American League or something you will know who they mean. He said he would +drop by in a few days again and see if I had something wrote up for him but +I will half to tell him I have been to busy to monkey with it. + +As far as I can see they's enough songs all ready wrote up about the war so +as everybody in the army and navy could have 1 a peace and still have a few +left over for the boshs and that's a name we got up for the Germans Al and +instead of calling them Germans we call them boshs on acct. of them being +so full of bunk. + +Well Al one of the burgs along the line is where Jonah Vark was born when +she was alive. It seems like France was mixed up in another war along about +a 100 yrs. ago and they was getting licked and Jonah was just a young gal +but she dressed up in men's coat and pants and went up to the front and led +the charges with a horse and she carried a white flag and the Dutchmens or +whoever they was fighting against must of thought it was a flag of truants +and any way they didn't fire at them and the French captured New Orleans +and win the war. The Germans is trying to pull the same stuff on our boys +now and lots of times they run up and holler Conrad like they was going to +give up and when your back is turned they whang away at you but they won't +pull none of that stuff on me and when one of them trys to Conrad me I will +perculate them with a bayonet. + +Well Al the boys is starting their choir practice and its good night and +some times I wished I was a deef and dumb mute and couldn't hear nothing. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, Feb. 9._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al I didn't have nothing to do last night and I happened to +think about that reporter and how he would be comeing along in a few days +asking for that poultry. + +I figured I might as well set down and write him up a couple verses because +them fellows is hard up for articles to send their paper because in the +first place we don't tell them nothing so they could write it up and when +they write it the censors smeers out everything but the question marks and +dots but of course they would leave them send poems because the Germans +couldn't make head or tale out of them. So any way I set down and tore off +3 verses and he says they ought to be something about a gal in it so here +is what I wrote: + + _Near a year ago today + Pres. Wilson of the U. S. A. + had something to say, + "Germany you better keep away + This is no time for play." + When it come time to go + America was not slow + Each one said good by to their girl so dear + And some of them has been over here + since last year._ + + _I will come home when the war is over + Back to the U. S. A. + So don't worry little girlie + And now we are going to Berlin + And when we the Kaiser skin + and the war we will win + And make the Kaiser jump out of his skin._ + + _The ones that stays at home + Can subscribe to the liberty loan + And some day we will come home + to the girles that's left alone + Old Kaiser Bill is up against it + For all are doing their bit. + Pres. Wilson says the stars and stripes + Will always fight for their rights._ + +That's what I tore off and when he comes around again I will have it for +him and if you see it in the Chi papers you will know who wrote it up and +maybe somebody will write a song to it but of course they can't sign my +name to it unless I get killed or something but I guess at that they ain't +so many soldiers over here that can turn out stuff like that but what my +friends won't be pretty sure who wrote it. + +But if something does happen to me I wished you would kind of keep your +eyes pealed and if the song comes out try and see that Florrie gets some +jack out of it and I haven't wrote nothing to her about it because she is +like all other wifes and when somebodys else husband pulls something its +O. K. but if their own husband does it he must of had a snoot full. + +Well today was so rotten that they didn't make us go nowheres and I'll say +its got to be pretty rotten when they do that and the meal they give us +tonight wouldn't of bulged out a grandaddy long legs and I and my buddy +Frank Carson was both hungry after we eat and I suppose you will wonder +what do I mean by buddy. Well Al that's a name I got up for who ever you +pal around with or bunk next to them and now everybody calls their pal +their buddy. Well any way he says why didn't we go over to the Red X +canteen resturent and buy ourself a feed so we went over and its a little +shack where the Red X serves you a pretty good meal for 1 frank and that's +about $.19 cents and they don't try and make no profits on it but just run +them so as a man don't half to go along all the wile on what the army hands +out to you. + +Well they was 3 janes on the job over there and 2 of them would be safe +anywheres you put them but the other one is Class A and her old woman must +of been pie eyed when she left her come over here. Well Carson said she +belonged to him because he had seen her before and besides I was a married +man so I says all right go ahead and get her. Well Al it would be like +Terre Haute going after George Sisler or somebody and the minute we blowed +in she didn't have eyes for only me but I wasn't going to give her no +encouragement because we were here to kill Germans and not ladys but I +wished you could of seen the smile she give me. Well she's just as much a +American as I or you but of course Carson had to be cute and try to pull +some of his French on her so he says Bon soir Madam Moselle and that is +the same like we would say good evening but when Carson pulled it I spoke +up and said "If your bones is soir why don't you go and take the baths +somewhere?" Pretending like I thought he meant his bones were sore. Well +the little lady got it O. K. and pretty near laughed outright. You see Al +when a person has got rhuematism they go and take the baths like down to +Mudlavia so I meant if his bones was sore he better go somewheres like +that. So the little lady tried to not laugh on acct. of me being a stranger +but she couldn't hardly help from busting out and then I smiled at her back +and after that Carson might as well of been mowing the lawn out in Nobody's +Land. I felt kind of sorry the way things broke because here he is a man +without no home ties and of course I have all ready got a wife but Miss +Moselle didn't have no eyes for him and that's the way it goes but what can +a man do and Carson seen how it was going and says to me right in front of +her "Have you heard from your Mrs. since we been over?" And I didn't dast +look up and see how she took it. + +Well they set us up a pretty good feed and the little lady kept asking us +questions like how long had we been here and what part of the U. S. we come +from and etc. and finely Carson told her who I was and she popped her eyes +out and says she use to go to the ball games once in a wile in N. Y. city +with her old man and she didn't never think she would meet a big league +pitcher and talk to them and she says she wondered if she ever seen me +pitch. Well I guess if she had she would remember it specially in N. Y. +because there was one club I always made them look like a fool and they +wasn't the only club at that and I guess they's about 6 other clubs in the +American League that if they had seen my name in the dead they wouldn't +shed off enough tears to gum up the infield. + +Well when we come out she asked us would we come again and we said yes but +I guess its best for both she and I if I stay away but I said we would come +again to be polite so she said au revoir and that's like you would say so +long so I said au reservoir pretending like I didn't know the right way to +say it but she seen I was just kidding and laughed and she is the kind of a +gal that gets everything you pull and bright as a whip and her and I Would +make a good team but of course they's no use talking about it the way I am +tied up so even when I'm sick in tired of the regular rations I won't dast +go over there for a feed because it couldn't do nothing only harm to the +both of us and the best way to do with those kind of affairs is to cut it +out before somebody gets hurt. + +Well its time to hop into the feathers and I only wished it was feathers +but feathers comes off a chicken or something and I guess these matteresses +we got is made out to Gary or Indiana Harbor or somewheres. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, Feb. 11._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al they's several of the boys that won't need no motor +Laura to carry their pay for the next couple mos. and if you was to +mention champagne to them they would ask for a barrage. I was over to the +Y. M. C. A. hut last night and when I come back I wished you could of seen +my buddys and they was 2 of them that was still able to talk yet and they +was haveing a argument because one of them wanted to pore some champagne in +a dish so as the rats would get stewed and the other bird was trying to not +let him because he said it always made them mean and they would go home and +beat up their Mrs. + +It seems like one of the boys had a birthday and his folks is well off and +they had sent him some jack from the states to buy blankets and etc. with +it and he thought it would be a sucker play to load up with bed close when +spring was comeing so he loaded up with something else and some of the boys +with him and for 50 or 60 franks over here you can get enough champagne to +keep the dust layed all summer and of course some of the boys hadn't never +tasted it before and they thought you could bathe in it like beer. They +didn't pay no more tension to revelry this A. M. then if they was a corps +and most of them was at that and out of the whole bunch of us they was only +7 that didn't get reported and the others got soaked 2 thirds of their pay +and confined to their quarters and Capt. Seeley says if they was any more +birthdays in his Co. we wouldn't wind the celebration up till sunrise and +then it would be in front of a fireing squad. Well Al if the boys can't +handle it no better then that they better leave it alone and just because +its cheap that's no reason to try and get it all at once because the grapes +will still be growing over here yet when all us birds takes our teeth off +at night with our other close. + +Well Al the reporter that asked me to write up the verses ain't been around +since and probably he has went up to the front or somewheres and I am glad +of it and I hope he forgets all about it because in the first place I am +not one of the kind that is crazy to get in the papers and besides I am to +busy to be monking with stuff like that. Yes they keep us on the jump all +the wile and we are pretty well wore out when night comes around but a +man wouldn't mind it if we was learning something but the way it is now +its like as if we had graduated from college and then they sent us to +kindegarden and outside of maybe a few skulls the whole regt. is ready +right now to get up there in the trenches and show them something and I +only wished we was going tomorrow but I guess some of the boys would like +it to never go up there but would rather stay here in this burg and think +they was haveing a good time kidding with the French gals and etc. but +that's no business for a married man and even if I didn't have no family +the French gals I seen so far wouldn't half to shew me away and I been +hearing all my life what swell dressers they was but a scout for the Follys +wouldn't waist no time in this burg. + +But I'm sick in tired of the same thing day in and day out and here we been +in France 2 wks. and all we done is a little riffle practice and stuff +we had back home and get soping wet every day and no mail and I wouldn't +wonder if Florrie and little Al had forgot all about me and if Secty. +Daniels wired them that Jack Keefe had been killed they would say who and +the hell is he. + +So all and all they can't send us up to the front to quick and it seems +like a shame that men like I should be held back just because they's a +few birds in the regt. that can't put on a gas mask yet without triping +themself up. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, Feb. 13._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al wait till you hear this and I bet you will pop your eyes +out. I guess I all ready told you about Miss Moselle the little lady over +to the Red X canteen. Well I was over there the day before yesterday and +she wasn't around nowheres and I was glad of it because I didn't want to +see her and just dropped in there to get something to eat and today I was +in there again and this time she was there and she smiled when she seen me +and come up and begin talking and she asked me how I liked it and I said I +would like it a whole lot better if we was in the fighting and she asked me +if I didn't like this town and I said well no I wasn't nuts about it and +she said she didn't think I was very complementary so then I seen she +wanted to get personal. + +Well Al she knows I am a married man because Carson just as good as told +her so I didn't see no harm in kidding her along a wile so I give her a +smile and said well you know the whole town ain't like you and she blushed +up and says "Well I didn't expect nothing like that from a great baseball +pitcher" so you see Al she had been makeing inquirys about me. So I said +"Well they was only one pitcher I ever heard of that couldn't talk and +that was Dummy Taylor but at that they's a whole lot of them that if they +couldn't say my arm's sore they might as well be tongue tied." But I told +her I wasn't one of those kind and I guest when it came to talking I could +give as good as I sent and she asked me was I a college man and I kidded +her along and said yes I went to Harvard and she said what year so I told +her I was there 2 different yrs. and we talked along about this in that +and I happened to have them verses in my pocket that I wrote up and they +dropped out when I was after my pocket book and she acted like she wanted +to know what the writeing was so I showed them to her. + +Well Al I wished you could of seen how supprised she was when she read them +and she says "So you are a poet." So I said "Yes I am a poet and don't know +it" so that made her laugh and I told her about the reporter asking me to +write some poems and then she asked me if she could keep a hold of those +ones till she made out a copy of them to keep for herself and I said "You +can keep that copy and pretend like I was thinking of you when I wrote +them." Well Al I wished you could of seen her then and she couldn't say +nothing at first but finely she says tomorrow was valentine day and the +verses would do for a valentine so just jokeing I asked her if she wouldn't +rather have a comical valentine and she says those ones would do O. K. so +then I told her I would write her a real valentine for herself but I might +maybe not get it ready in time to give her tomorrow and she says she +realized it took time and any time would do. + +Well of course I am not going to write up nothing for her and after this +I will keep away from the canteen because it isn't right to leave her see +to much of me even if she does know I am married but if I do write her +something I will make it comical and no mushy stuff in it. But it does +seem like fate or something that the harder I try and not get mixed up in +a flirtation I can't turn around you might say but what they's some gal +poping up on my trail and if it was anybody else only Miss Moselle I +wouldn't mind but she is a darb and I wouldn't do nothing to hurt her for +the world but they can't nobody say this is my fault. + +Well Al I pretty near forgot to tell you that the boys is putting on a +entertainment over to the Y. M. C. A. Saturday night and they will be +singing and gags and etc. and they asked me would I give them a little talk +on baseball and I said no at first but they begged me and finely I give my +consent but you know how I hate makeing speeches and etc. but a man don't +hardly feel like refuseing when they want me so bad so I am going to give +them a little talk on my experiences and make it comical and I will tell +you about the entertainment when its over. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, Feb. 15._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al I just been over to the canteen and I give the little +lady the valentine I promised to write up for her and I wasn't going +to write it up only I happened to remember that I promised so I wrote +something up and I was going to make it comical but I figured that would +disappoint her on acct. of the way she feels towards me so here is what I +wrote up. + +_To Miss Moselle_ + +(_Private_) + + _A soldier don't have much time + To set down and write up a valentine + but please bear in mind + That I think about you many a time + And I wished I could call you mine + And I hope they will come a time + When I will have more time + And then everything will be fine + And if you will be my valentine + I will try and show you a good time._ + +Well after I had wrote it I thought I better have it fixed up like a +valentine and they's one of the boys in our Co. named Stoops that use to +be a artist so I had him draw me a couple of hearts with a bow and arrow +sticking through them and a few flowers on a peace of card board and +I coppied off the valentine on the card in printing and stuck it in a +envelope and took it over to her and I didn't wait for her to open it up +and look at it and I just says here is that valentine I promised you and +its 1 day late and she blushed up and couldn't say nothing and I come away. +Well Al she has read it by this time and I hope she don't take nothing +I said serious but of course she knows I am a married man and she can +read between the lines and see where I am trying to let her down easy and +telling her to not expect no more tensions from me and its just like saying +good by to her in a way only not as rough as comeing right out and saying +it. But I won't see her no more and its all over before it begun you might +say. + +Well we passed some German prisoners today and believe me we give them a +ride. Everybody called them Heinie and Fritz and I seen one of them giveing +me a look like he was wondring if all the U. S. soldiers was big stroppers +like I but I stuck out my tongue at him and said "What do you think you are +looking at you big pretzel" and he didn't dast say nothing back. Well they +was a fine looking gang and they's been a lot of storys going the rounds +about no soap in Germany. Well Al its all true. + +Well I finely got a letter from Florrie that is if you could call it a +letter and to read it you wouldn't never guess that she had a husband over +here in France and maybe never see him again but you would think I had went +across the st. to get a bottle of ketchup and all as she said about little +Al was that he needed a new pair of shoes and they's about as much news in +that as if she said he woke up in the night. And the rest of the letter +was about how good she was doing in the beauty parlor and for me not to +worry about her because she was O. K. only for a callous on her heel and I +suppose she will go to the hospital with it and here I am with so many of +them that if they was worth a frank a peace I could pay the Kaiser's gas +bill. And she never asked me did I need anything or how was I getting +along. And she enclosed a snapshot of herself in one of these here war +bride outfits and she looks so good in it that I bet she goes to church +every Sunday and asks god to prolongate the war. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, Feb. 16._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al they's a certain bird in this camp that if I ever find +out who he is they won't need no tonnages to carry him back when the war's +over. Let me tell you what come off tonight and what was pulled off on the +little lady and I and if you read about me getting in front of the court +marshall for murder you will know how it come off. + +I guess I all ready told you about the show that was comeing off tonight +and they asked me to make a little talk on baseball. Well they was as many +there as could crowd in and the band played and they was singing and gags +and storys and etc. and they didn't call on me till pretty near the last. +Well Al you ought to of heard the crowd when I got up there and it sounded +like old times to have them all cheering and clapping and I stepped to the +front of the platform and give them a bow and it was the first time I was +ever on the stage but I wasn't scared only at first. + +Well I had wrote out what I was going to say and learnt the most of it by +heart and here is what I give them only I won't give you only part of it +because it run pretty long. + +"Gentlemen and friends. I am no speech maker and I guess if I had to make +speeches for a liveing I am afraid I couldn't do it but the boys is anxious +I should say a few words about baseball and I didn't want to disappoint +them. They may be some of you boys that has not followed the great American +game very close and maybe don't know who Jack Keefe is. Well gentlemen I +was boughten from Terre Haute in the Central League by that grand old Roman +Charley Comiskey owner of the Chicago White Sox in 1913 and I been in the +big league ever since except one year I was with Frisco and I stood that +league on their head and Mr. Comiskey called me back and I was still +starring with the Chicago White Sox when Uncle Sam sent out the call for +men and I quit the great American game to enlist in the greatest game of +all the game we are playing against the Kaiser and we will win this game +like I have win many a game of baseball because I was to fast for them and +used my brains and it will be the same with the Kaiser and America will +fight to the drop of the hat and make the world safe for democracy." + +Well Al I had to stop 2 or 3 minutes while they give me a hand and they +clapped and hollered at pretty near everything I said. So I said "This +war reminds me a good deal like a incident that happened once when I was +pitching against the Detroit club. No doubt you gentlemen and officers has +heard of the famous Hughey Jennings and his eeyah and on the Detroit club +is also the famous Tyrus Cobb the Georgia Peach as he is called and I want +to pay him a tribute right here and say he is one of the best ball players +in the American League and a great hitter if you don't pitch just right to +him. One time we was in Detroit for a serious of games and we had loose the +first two games do to bad pitching and the first game Eddie Cicotte didn't +have nothing and the second game Faber was in the same boat so on this +morning I refer to Manager Rowland come up to me in the lobby of the Tuller +hotel and said how do you feel Jack and I said O. K. Clarence why do you +ask? And he said well we have loose 2 games here and we have got to grab +this one this P. M. and if you feel O. K. I will work you because I know +you have got them licked as soon as you walk out there. So I said all right +Clarence you can rely on me. And that P. M. I give them 3 hits and shut +them out and Cobb come up in the ninth innings with two men on bases and +two men out and Ray Schalk our catcher signed me for a curve ball but I +shook my head and give him my floater and the mighty Cobb hit that ball on +a line to our right fielder Eddie Murphy and the game was over. + +"This war is a good deal like baseball gentlemen because it is stratejy +that wins and no matter how many soldiers a gen. has got he won't get +nowheres without he uses his brains and its the same in baseball and the +boys that stays in the big league is the boys that can think and when this +war is over I hope to go back and begin where I left off and win a pennant +for Charley Comiskey the old Roman in the American League." + +Well Al they was a regular storm when I got through and I bowed and give +them a smile and started off of the platform but a sargent named Avery +from our Co. stopped me and set me down in a chair and says I was to +wait a minute and I thought of course they was going to give me a cup or +something though I didn't expect nothing of the kind but I hadn't no sooner +set down when Sargent Avery stepped up to the front of the platform and +says "Gentlemen I want to say to you that Private Jack Keefe the great +stratejest is not only a great pitcher and a great speech maker but he +is also a great poet and if you don't believe me I will read you this +beautiful valentine that he wrote to a certain lady that we all admire and +who was in the Red X canteen up till today when she went back to Paris to +resume other dutys." + +Well before I could make a move he read that crazy valentine and of course +they wasn't a word in it that I was serious when I wrote it and it was all +a joke with me only not exactly a joke neither because I was really trying +to let the little lady down easy and tell her good by between the lines +without being rough with it. But of course these boobs pretended like they +thought I meant it all and was love sick or something and they hollered +like a bunch of Indians and clapped and razed he--ll. + +Well Al I didn't get a chance to see Sargent Avery after it was over +because he blowed right out but I will see him tomorrow and I will find out +from him who stole that poem from Miss Moselle and I wouldn't be supprised +if the reason she blowed to Paris was on acct. of missing the poem and +figureing some big bum had stole it off her and they would find out her +secret and make things misable for her and the chances is that's why she +blowed. Well wait till I find out who done it and they will be one less +snake in this regt. and the sooner you weed those kind of birds out of the +army you will get somewheres and if you don't you won't. + +But the poor little lady Al I can't help from feeling sorry for her and +I only wished I could go to Paris and find her and tell her to not worry +though of course its best if she don't see me again but I'm sorry it had +to come off this way. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, Feb. 18._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al this may be the last letter you will ever get from me +because I am waiting now to find out what they are going to do with me and +I will explain what I mean. + +Yesterday A. M. I seen Sargent Avery and I asked him if I could talk to him +a minute and he says yes and I said I wanted to find out from him who stole +that valentine from Miss Moselle. So he says "Who is Miss Moselle?" So I +said "Why that little lady in the canteen that's blowed to Paris." So he +says "Well that little lady's name isn't Miss Moselle but her name is Ruth +Palmer and she is the daughter of one of the richest birds in N. Y. city +and they wasn't nobody stole no valentine from her because she give the +valentine to me before she left." So I said "What do you mean she give it +to you?" So he says "I mean she give it to me and when she give it to me +she said us birds was in the same Co. with a poet and didn't know it and +she thought it was about time we was finding it out. So she laughed and +give me the valentine and that's the whole story." + +Well Al I had a 20 frank note on me and I asked Sargent Avery if he +wouldn't like some champagne and he said no he wouldn't. But that didn't +stop me Al and I got all I could hold onto and then some and I snuck in +last night after lights out and I don't know if anybody was wise or not but +if they are its libel to go hard with me and Capt. Seeley said something +about the fireing squad for the next bird that cut loose. + +Well I reported sick this A. M. and they could tell to look at me that +it wasn't no stall so I'm here and the rest of the boys is gone and I am +waiting for them to summons me before the court marshall. But listen Al if +they do like Capt. Seeley said you can bet that before they get me I will +get some of these birds that's been calling me Private Valentine ever since +Saturday night. + +Your pal, JACK. + + + + +CHAPTER III + +STRAGETY AND TRAGEDY + + +_Somewheres in France, March 2._ + +_FRIEND AL_: Well Al if it rains a couple more days like its been they +will half to page the navy and at that its about time they give them +something to do and I don't mean the chasers and destroyers and etc. that +acts like convoys for our troop ships and throws them death bombs at the +U boats but I mean the big battle ships and I bet you haven't heard of a +supper dread 0 doing nothing since we been in the war and they say they +can't do nothing till the German navy comes out and that's what they're +waiting for. Well Al that's a good deal like waiting for the 30nd. of Feb. +or for Jennings to send his self up to hit for Cobb and they can say all +they want about the Germans being bullet proof from the neck up but they +got some brains and you can bet their navy ain't comeing out no more then +my hair. So as far as I can see a man being on a supper dread 0 is just +like you owned a private yatch without haveing to pay for the keep up and +when they talk about a man on a big U. S. battle ship in danger they mean +he might maybe die because he eat to much and no exercise. + +So if I was them I would send the big ships here so as we could use them +for motor Lauras and I guess they's no place in our whole camp where you +couldn't float them and I don't know how it is all over France but if they +was a baseball league between the towns where they have got us billeted the +fans would get blear eyed looking at the no game sign and if a mgr. worked +their pitchers in turn say it was my turn tomorrow and the next time my +turn come around some of little Al's kids would half to help me out of the +easy chair and say "Come on granpa you pitch this afternoon." + +Jokeing a side Al if I was running the training camps like Camp Grant back +home instead of starting the men off with the regular drills and hikes like +they give them now I would stand them under a shower bath with their close +on about 1/2 the time and when it come time for a hike I would send them +back and fourth across Rock River and back where they wasn't no bridge. And +then maybe when they got over here France wouldn't be such a big supprise. + +One of the boys has put a sign up on our billet and it says Noahs Ark on it +and maybe you have heard that old gag Al about the big flood that everybody +was drownded only Noah and his folks and a married couple of every kind of +animals in the world and they wasn't drownded because Noah had a Ark for +them to get in out of the wet. Well Noahs Ark is a good name for our dump +and believe me they haven't none of the animals been overlooked and we are +also going Noah one better and sheltering all the bugs and some of them is +dressed in cocky. + +Well I am in this war to the finish and you couldn't hire me to quit till +we have ran them ragged but I wished they had of gave us steel helmets wide +enough so as they would make a bumber shoot and I hope the next war they +have they will pick out Arizona to have it there. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, March 6._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al I suppose you have read in the communicates that comes +out in the paper where the Americans that's all ready in the trenchs has +pulled off some great stuff and a whole lot of them has been sighted and +give meddles and etc. by the Frenchmens for what they have pulled off +and the way they work it Al when one of the soldiers wrists his life or +something and pulls off something big like takeing a mess of prisoners and +bringing them back here where they can get something to eat the French +pins a meddle on them and sometimes they do it if you don't do nothing but +die only then of course they send it to your family so as they will have +something to show their friends besides snapshots of Mich. City. + +Well we was kidding back and fourth about it today and one of the smart +alex in our Co. a bird named Johnny Alcock that is always trying to kid +somebody all the time he said to me "Well I suppose they will half to build +more tonnages to carry all the meddles you will win back to the states." So +I said "Well I guess I will win as many of them as you will win." That shut +him up for a wile but finely he says "You have got enough chest to wear +a whole junk shop on it." So I said "Well I am not the baby that can't +win them." So he says "If you ever happen to be snooping around the bosh +trenchs when Fritz climbs over the top you will come back so fast that the +Kaiser will want to know who was that speed merchant that led the charge +and decorate you with a iron cross." So I said "I will decorate you right +in the eye one of these days." So he had to shut up and all the other boys +give him the laugh. + +Well Al jokeing to one side if I half to go back home without a meddle it +will be because they are playing favorites but I guess I wouldn't be left +out at that because I stand ace high with most of the Frenchmens around +here because they like a man that's always got a smile or a kind word for +them and they would like me still better yet if they could understand more +English and get my stuff better but it don't seem like they even try to +learn and I suppose its because they figure the war is in their country +so everybody should ought to talk their language but when you get down to +cases they's a big job on both our hands and if one of us has got to talk +the others language why and the he--ll should they pick on the one that's +hard to learn it and besides its 2 to I you might say because the U. S. and +the English uses the same language and they's nobody only the French that +talks like they do because they couldn't nobody else talk that way so why +wouldn't it be the square thing for them to forget theirs and tackle ours +and it would prolongate their lifes to do it because most of their words +can't be said without straining yourself and no matter what kind of a +physic you got its bound to wear you down in time. + +But I suppose the French soldiers figure they have got enough of a job on +their hands remembering their different uniforms and who to salute and etc. +and they have got a fine system in the French army Al because you wear +whatever you was before you got to be what you are that is sometimes. For +inst. suppose you use to be in the artillery and now you are a aviator you +still wear a artillery uniform part of the time and its like I use to pitch +for the White Sox and I guess I would be a pretty looking bird if I waddled +around in the mire here a wile with my old baseball unie on me and soon +people would begin to think I was drafted from the Toledo Mud Hens. + +Seriously Al sometimes you see 4 or 5 French officers comeing along and +they haven't one of them got the same color uniform on but they are all +dressed up like a Roman candle you might say and if their uniforms run when +they got wet a man could let them drip into a pail and drink it up for a +pussy cafe. + +Well Al the boys in our regt. is going to get out a newspaper and get it +out themself and it will be just the news about our regt. and a few gags +and comical storys about the different boys and they are going to get it +out once per wk. + +Corp. Pierson from our Co. that use to work on a newspaper somewheres is +going to be the editor and he wants I should write them up something about +baseball and how to pitch and etc. but I don't believe in a man waisting +their time on a childs play like writeing up articles for a newspaper but +just to stall him I said I would try and think up something and give it to +him when I had it wrote up. Well him waiting for my article will be like +me waiting for mail because I don't want nobody to take me for a newspaper +man because I seen enough of them in baseball and one time we was playing +in Phila. and I had them shut out up to the 8th inning and all of a sudden +Weaver and Collins got a stroke of paralysis and tipped their caps to a +couple ground balls that grazed their shoe laces and then Rube Oldring +hit one on a line right at Gandil and he tried to catch it on the bounce +off his lap and Bill Dinneen's right arm was lame and he begin calling +everything a ball and first thing you know they beat us 9 to 2 or something +and Robbins one of the Chi paper reporters that traveled with us wired a +telegram home to his paper that Phila. was supposed to be a town where a +man could get plenty of sleep but I looked like I had set up all the nights +we was there and of course Florrie seen it in the paper and got delirious +and I would of busted Robbins in the jaw only I wasn't sure if he realy +wrote it that way or the telegraph operator might of balled it up. + +So they won't be no newspaper articles in mine Al but I will be anxious to +see what Pierson's paper looks like when it comes out and I bet it will be +a fine paper if our bunch have the writeing of it because the most of them +would drop in a swoon if you asked them how to spell their name. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, March 9._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al I guess I all ready told you about them getting up +a newspaper in our regt. and Joe Pierson asked me would I write them +up something for it and I told him no I wouldn't but it seems like he +overheard me and thought I said I would so any way he was expecting +something from me so last night I wrote them up something and I don't know +if the paper will ever get printed or not so I will coppy down a part of +what I wrote to give you a idear of what I wrote. He wanted I should write +them up something about the stragety of baseball and where it was like the +stragety in the war because one night last month I give them a little talk +at one of their entertainments about how the man that used their brains in +baseball was the one that win just like in the army but I guess I all ready +told you about me giveing them that little talk and afterwards I got a +skinfull of the old grape and I thought sure they would have me up in front +of the old court marshall but they never knowed the difference on acct. of +the Way I can handle it and you take the most of the boys and if they see +a cork they want to kiss the Colonel. Well any way here is the article I +wrote up and I called it War and Baseball 2 games where brains wins. + +"The gen. public that go out to the baseball park and set through the games +probably think they see everything that is going on on the field but they's +a lot of stuff that goes on on the baseball field that the gen. public +don't see and don't know nothing about and I refer to what we baseball boys +calls inside baseball. + +"No one is in a better position to know all about inside baseball then a +man like I who have been a pitcher in the big league because it is the +pitchers that has to do most of the thinking and pull off the smart plays +that is what wins ball games. For inst. I will write down about a little +incidents that come off one time 2 yrs. ago when the Boston club was +playing against the Chicago White Sox where I was one of the stars when +the U. S. went into the war and then I dropped baseball and signed up a +contract with Uncle Sam to play for my country in the big game against the +Kaiser of Germany. This day I refer to I was in there giveing them the best +I had but we was in a tight game because the boys was not hitting behind me +though Carl Mays that was pitching for the Boston club didn't have nothing +on the ball only the cover and after the ball left his hand you could have +ran in the club house and changed your undershirt and still be back in time +to swing when the ball got up there. + +"Well it come along the 9th. inning and we was tied up with the score 2 and +2 and I had Larry Gardner swinging like a hammock all day but this time he +hit a fly ball that either Weaver or Jackson ought to of caught in a hollow +tooth but they both layed down and died on it and Gardner got on second +base. Well they was 2 men out and Hoblitzel was the next man up and the +next man after he was Scott their shortstop that couldn't take the ball +in his hand and make a base hit off a man like I so instead of me giveing +Hobby a ball to hit I walked him as we call it and then of course it was +Scott's turn to bat and Barry their mgr. hesitated if he should send Ruth +up to hit for Scott or not but finely he left Scott go up there and he was +just dragging his bat off his shoulder to swing at the first strike when I +whizzed the third one past him. + +"That is what we call inside baseball or stragety whether its in baseball +or war is walking a man like Hoblitzel that might be lucky enough to hit +one somewheres but if you don't give him nothing to hit how can he hit it +and then I made Scott look like he had been sent for but couldn't come. +Afterwards in the 11th. inning Duffy Lewis hit a ball that he ought to of +been traded for even swinging at it because it come near clipping his ear +lob but any way he swang at it and hit it for three bases because Jackson +layed down and died going after it and Lewis scored on a past ball and they +beat us 3 to 2. + +"So that is what we call stragety on the baseball field and it wins there +the same like in war and this war will be win by the side that has gens. +with brains and use them and I figure where a man that has been in big +league baseball where you can't never make a success out of it unless you +are a quick thinker and they have got a big advantage over men that's been +in other walks of life where its most all luck and I figure the army would +be a whole lot better off if all the officers and gens. had of played +baseball in the big leagues and learned to think quick, but of course they +ain't everybody that have got the ability to play baseball and stand the +gaff but the man that has got the ability and been through the ropes is +just that much ahead of the rest of them and its to bad that most of our +gens. is so old that they couldn't of knew much about baseball since it +become a test of brains like it is now. + +"I am afraid I have eat up a lot of space with my little Article on War +and Baseball so I will end this little article up with a little comical +incidents that happened dureing our training trip down in Mineral Wells, +Tex. a year ago this spring. The first day we was out for practice they +was a young outfielder from a bush league and Mgr. Rowland told him to go +out in right field and shag and this was his reply. 'I haven't never been +in this park before so you will half to tell me which is right field.' Of +course right field, is the same field in all parks and that is what made +the incidents so comical and some of the boys is certainly green when they +first break in and we have manys the laugh at their expense." + +That is what I wrote up for them Al and I wound it up with that little +story and I was reading over what I wrote and Johnny Alcock seen me reading +it and asked me to leave him see it so I showed it to him and he said it +was great stuff and he hadn't never dreamt they was that much stragety in +baseball and he thought if some of the officers seen it they would pop +their eyes out and they would want to talk to me and get my idears and see +if maybe they couldn't some of them be plied to war fair and maybe if I +showed them where it could I would get promoted and stuck on to the gen. +staff that's all made up from gens. that lays out the attacks and etc. + +Well Al Alcock is a pretty wise bird and a fine boy to if you know how to +take him and he seen right off what I was getting at in my article and +its true Al that the 2 games is like the other and quick thinking is what +wins in both of them. But I am not looking for no staff job that you don't +half to go up in the trenchs and fight but just lay around in some office +somewheres and stick pins in a map while the rest of the boys is sticking +bayonets in the Dutchmen's maps so I hope they don't none of the gens. see +what I wrote because I come over here to fight and be a soldier and carry a +riffle instead of a pin cushion. + +But it don't hurt nothing for me to give them a few hints once in a wile +about useing their brains if they have got them and if I can do any good +with my articles in the papers why I would just as leaf wear my fingers to +the bone writeing them up. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, March 13._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al I bet you will pretty near fall over in a swoon when +you read what I have got to tell you. Before you get this letter you will +probably all ready of got a coppy of the paper I told you about because it +come out the day before yesterday and I sent you a coppy with my article in +it only they cut a part of it out on acct. of not haveing enough space for +all of it but they left the best part of it in. + +Well Al somebody must of a sent a coppy to Gen. Pershing and marked up +what I wrote up so as he would be sure and see it and probably one of the +officers done it. Well that's either here or there but this afternoon when +we come in they was a letter for me and who do you think it was from Al. +Well you can't never even begin to guess so I will tell you. It was from +Gen. Pershing Al and it come from Paris where he is at and I have got it +here laying on the table and I would send it to you to look at only I +wouldn't take no chances of looseing it and I don't mean you wouldn't be +carefull of it Al but of course the mail has got to go across the old pond +and if the Dutchmens periscoped the boat the letter was on it it would be +good night letter and a letter like this here is something to be proud of +and hold onto it and keep it for little Al till he grows up big enough +to appreciate it. But they's nothing to prevent me from copping down the +letter so as you can read what it says and here it is. + +PRIVATE KEEFE, + +_Dear Sir_: My attention was called today to an article written by you +in your regimental paper under the title War and Baseball: Two Games Where +Brains Wins. In this article you state that our generals would be better +able to accomplish their task if they had enjoyed the benefits of strategic +training in baseball. I have always been a great admirer of the national +game of baseball and I heartily agree with what you say. But unfortunately +only a few of us ever possessed the ability to play your game and the few +never were proficient enough to play it professionally. Therefore the +general staff is obliged to blunder along without that capacity for quick +thinking which is acquired only on the baseball field. + +But I believe in making use of all the talent in my army, even among the +rank and file. Therefore I respectfully ask whether you think some of your +baseball secrets would be of strategic value to us in the prosecution of +this war and if so whether you would be willing to provide us with the +same. + +If it is not too much trouble, I would be pleased to hear from you along +these lines, and if you have any suggestion to make regarding a campaign +against our enemy, either offensive or defensive, I would be pleased to +have you outline it in a letter to me. + +By the way I note with pleasure that our first names are the same. It makes +a sort of bond between us which I trust will be further cemented if you can +be of assistance to me in my task. + +I shall eagerly await your reply. Sincerely, + +BLACK JACK PERSHING, + +Folies Bergere, Paris, France. + +That is the letter I got from him Al and I'll say its some letter and I +bet if some of these smart alex officers seen it it would reduce some of +the swelling in their chest but I consider the letter confidential Al and +I haven't showed it to nobody only 3 or 4 of my buddys and I showed it to +Johnny Alcock and he popped his eyes out so far you could of snipped them +off with a shears. And he said it was a cinch that Pershing realy wrote it +on acct. of him signing it Black Jack Pershing and they wouldn't nobody +else sign it that way because it was a private nickname between he and some +of his friends and they wouldn't nobody else know about it. + +So then he asked was I going to answer the letter and I said of course I +was and he says well I better take a whole lot of pains with my answer and +study up the situation before I wrote it and put some good idears in it +and if my letters made a hit with Gen. Pershing the next thing you know he +would probably summons me to Paris and maybe stick me on the war board so +as all I would half to do would be figure up plans of attacks and etc. and +not half to go up in the trenchs and wrist my life and probably get +splattered all over France. + +So I said "Well I am not looking for no excuse to get out of the trenchs +but its just the other way and I am nuts to get in them." So he says "You +must be." But he showed me where it would be a great experience to set in +at them meetings even if I didn't have much to say and just set there and +listen and hear their plans and what's comeing off and besides I would get +a chance to see something of Paris and it don't look like none of us only +the officers would be give leave to go there but of course I would go if +Black Jack wanted me and after all Al I am here to give Uncle Sam the best +I have got and if I can serve the stars and strips better by sticking pins +in a map then getting in the trenchs why all right and it takes more than +common soldiers to win a war and if I am more use to them as a kind of +adviser instead of carrying a bayonet why I will sacrifice my own feelings +for the good of the cause like I often done in baseball. + +But they's another thing Alcock told me Al and that is that the war board +they have got has got gens. on it from all the different countrys like the +U. S. and England and France and Spain and of course they are more French +gens. than anything else on acct. of the war being here in France so +probably they do some of their talking in French and Alcock says if he was +I he would get busy and try and learn enough French so as I could make +myself understood when I had something to say and of course they probably +won't nothing come out of it all but still and all I always says its best +to be ready for whatever comes off and if the U. S. had of been ready for +this war I wouldn't be setting here writeing this letter now but I would be +takeing a plunge in one of them Berlin brewry vats. + +Any way I have all ready picked enough French so as I can talk it pretty +good and I would be O. K. if I could understand it when they are talking it +off but to hear them talk it off you would think they seen their dinner at +the end of the sentence. + +Well Al I will tell you how things comes out and I hope Black Jack will +forget all about it and lay off me so as I can get into the real fighting +instead of standing in front of a map all the wile like a school teacher or +something and I all most wished I hadn't never wrote that article and then +of course the idear wouldn't of never came to Black Jack that I could help +him but if he does take me on his staff it will be some pair of Jacks eh Al +and enough to open the pot and if the Germans is sucker enough to stay in +they will get their whiskers cinched. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, March 14._ + +FRIEND AL: Well this is the second letter I have wrote today and the other +one is to Gen. Pershing and I have still got the letter here yet Al and I +will coppy it down and tell you what I wrote to him. + +GEN. JACK PERSHING, + +Care Folies Bergere, Paris, France. + +_Dear Gen_: You can bet I was supprised to get a letter from you and +when I wrote that article I didn't have no idear that they would something +come out of it. Well Gen. I come into the army expecting to fight and lay +down my life if nessary and I am not one of the kind that are looking for +an out and trying to hide behind a desk or something because I am afraid to +go into the trenchs but I guess if you know something about baseball you +won't accuse me from not having the old nerve because they can't no man +hold onto a job in the big leagues unless a man is fearless and does their +best work under fire and especially a pitcher. But if you figure that I +can serve old glory better some other way then in the rank and files I am +willing to sacrifice myself like I often done in baseball. Anything to win +Gen. is the way I look at it. + +You asked me in your letter did I think some of my idears would help out +well gen. a man don't like to sound like they was bragging themself up but +this isn't no time for monking and I guess you want the truth. Well gen. I +don't know much about running a army and their plans but stragety is the +same if its on the battle field or the baseball diamond you might say and +it just means how can we beat them and I often say that the men that can +use their brains will win any kind of a game except maybe some college +Willy boy game like football or bridge whist. + +Well gen. without no bragging myself up I learned a whole lot about +stragety on the baseball field and I think I could help you in a good many +ways but before I tried to tell you how to do something I would half to +know what you was trying to do and of course I know you can't tell me in +a letter on acct. of the censors and of course they are Americans to but +they's a whole lot of the boys that don't mean no harm but they are gabby +and can't keep their mouth shut and who knows who would get a hold of it +and for the same reason I don't feel like I should give you any of my +idears by mail but if I could just see you and we could have a little talk +and talk things over but I don't suppose they's any chance of that unless I +could get leave off to run down to Paris for a wile and meet you somewheres +but they won't give us no leave to go to Paris but of course a letter from +you that I could show it to Capt. Seeley would fix it up and no questions +asked. + +So I guess I better wait till I hear from you along these lines and in the +mean wile I will be thinking the situation over and see what I can think up +and I all ready got some idears that I feel like they would work out O. K. +and I hope I will get a chance in the near future to have a little chat +with you. + +I note what you say about our name being both Jack and I was thinking to +myself that lots of times in a poker game a pair of jacks is enough to win +and maybe it will be the same way in the war game and any way I guess the +2 of us could put up a good bluff and bet them just as if we had them. Eh +gen? + +Respy, JACK KEEFE. + +That's what I wrote to him Al and he will get it some time tomorrow or the +next day and I should ought to hear from him back right away and I hope +he will take my hint and leave me stay here with my regt. where I can see +some real action. But if he summonses me I will go Al and not whine about +getting a raw deal. + +Well I happened to drop into a estaminet here yesterday and that's kind of +a store where a man can buy stuff to take along with him or you can get a +cup of coffee or pretty near anything and they was a girl on the job in +there and she smiled when I come in and I smiled at her back and she seen +I was American so she begin talking to me in English only she has got some +brogue and its hard to make it out what she is trying to get at. Well we +talked a wile and all of a sudden the idear come to me that I and her could +hit it off and both do the other some good by her learning me French and +I could learn her English and so I sprung it on her and she was tickled +to death and we called it a bargain and tomorrow we are going to have our +first lessons and how is that Al for a bargain when I can pick up French +without it costing me a nickle and of course they won't be only time for I +or 2 lessons before I hear from Black Jack but I can learn a whole lot in +2 lessons if she will tend to business but the way she smiled at me when +I come out and the looks she give me I am afraid if she seen much of me +it would be good night so I will half to show her I won't stand for no +foolishness because I had enough flirtations Al and the next woman that +looks X eyed at me will catch her death of cold. + +Your pal, JACK. + +[Illustration: She smiled when I came in and I smiled back at her back] + + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, March 16._ + +FRIEND AL: Well old pal it looks like they wouldn't be no front line +trenchs for this baby and what I am getting at is that the word was past +around today that Black Jack himself is comeing and they isn't no faulse +alarm about it because Capt. Seeley told us himself and said Gen. Pershing +would be here in a day or 2 to overlook us and he wanted that everybody +should look their best and keep themself looking neat and clean and clean +up all the billets and etc. because that was what Gen. Pershing was comeing +to see, how we look and how we are getting along and etc. + +Well Al that's what Capt. Seeley said but between you and I they's another +reason why he is comeing and I guess he figures they will be a better +chance to talk things over down here then if I was to go to Paris and I am +not the only one that knows why he is comeing because after supper Alcock +called me over to I side and congratulated me and said it looked like I was +in soft. + +Well I will be ready for him when he comes and I will be ready to pack up +and blow out of here at a minute's notice and I can't help from wondring +what some of these smart alex officers will say when they see what's +comeing off. So this won't be only a short letter Al because I have got a +lot to do to get ready and what I am going to do is write down some of my +idears so as I can read them off to him when he comes and if I didn't have +them wrote down I might maybe get nervous when I seen him and maybe forget +what I got to say because the boys says he's a tough bird for a man to see +for the first time till you get to know him and he acts like he was going +to eat you alive but he's a whole lot like a dog when you get to know him +and his bark is worse then a bite. + +Well Al how is that for news and I guess you will be prouder then ever of +your old pal before this business gets over with and I would feel pretty +good with everything breaking so good only I am getting worred about +Ernestine that little French gal in the estaminet and I wished now I hadn't +never seen her or made no bargain with her and I didn't do it so much for +what I could learn off of her but these French gals Al has had a tough time +of it and if a man can bring a little sunshine into their life he wouldn't +be a man unless he done it. So I was just trying to be a good fellow and +here is what I get for it because I caught her today Al with that look in +her eye that I seen in so many of them and I know what it means and I guess +about the best thing for me to do is run away from Gen. Pershing and go +over the top or something and leave the boshs shoot my nose off or mess me +up some way and then maybe I won't get pestered to death every time I try +and be kind to some little gal. + +I guess the French lessons will half to be cut out because it wouldn't be +square to leave her see me again and it would be different if I could tell +her I am married but I don't know the French terms for it and besides it +don't seem to make no difference to some of them and the way they act you +would think a wife was just something that come out on you like a sty and +the best way to do was just to forget it. + +Well Al as I say I caught her looking at me like it was breaking her heart +and I wouldn't be supprised if she cried after I come away, but what can +a man do about it Al and I have got a good notion to wear my gas mask +everywhere I go and then maybe I will have a little peace once in a wile. + +I must close now for this time and get busy on some idears so as Black Jack +won't catch me flat footed but I guess they's no danger of that eh Al? + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, March 18._ + +FRIEND AL: Well old pal I am all set for Gen. Pershing when he comes and I +have got some of my idears wrote down just the bear outlines of them and +when he asks me if I have got any I can just read them off from my notes +like I was a lecture and here is a few of the notes I have got wrote down +so you can get some idear of what I am going to spring on him. + +1 + +In baseball many big league mgrs. before a game they talk it over in the +club house with their men and disgust the weakness of the other club and +how is the best way to beat them and etc. For inst. when I was pitching +for the White Sox and suppose we was going to face a pitcher that maybe he +was weak on fielding bunts so before the game Mgr. Rowland would say to us +"Remember boys this baby so and so gets the rabbis if you lay down bunts +on him." So we would begin laying them down on him and the first thing you +know he would be frothing at the mouth and triping all over himself and +maybe if he did finely get a hold of the ball he would throw it into the +Southren League or somewheres and before the other mgr. could get another +bird warmed up they would half to hire a crossing policeman to straiten out +the jam at the plate. And the same thing would be in war like in baseball +and instead of a army going into it blind you might say, why the gens. +ought to get together before the battle and fix it up to work on the other +side's weakness. For inst. suppose the Germans is weak on getting out of +the way of riffle bullets why that's the weapon to use on them and make a +sucker out of them. + +2 + +Getting the jump on your oppts. is more then 1/2 the battle whether its in +the war or on the baseball field and many a game has been win by getting +the jump on your oppts. For inst. that reminds me of a little incidents +that happened one day when we was playing the Washington club and I was +pitching against the notorious Walter Johnson and before they was a man out +Geo. McBride booted one and Collins and Jackson got a couple hits and we +was 2 runs to the good before they was a man out. Well Johnson come back +pretty good and the rest of the game the boys acted like they was scared of +him and kept one foot in the water bucket but we would of win the game at +that only in the 9th. inning Schalk dropped a third strike on me and Judge +and Milan hit a couple of fly balls that would of been easy outs only for +the wind but the wind raised havioc with the ball and they both went for +hits and they beat us 3 to 2 and that's the kind of luck I genally always +had against the Washington club. + +3 + +In baseball of course they's only nine men on a side and that is where a +gen. in the war has got the advantage on a mgr. in baseball because they's +no rules in war fair to keep a man from useing all the men he feels like +so it looks to me like a gen. had all the best of it because suppose the +other side only had say 50 thousand men in a certain section they's nothing +to prevent a gen. from going after them with a 100 thousand men and if he +can't run them ragged when you got to them 2 to I its time to enlist in the +G. A. R. All though as I say a mgr. can't only use nine men at a time in +baseball, but at that I know of incidents where a mgr. has took advantage +of the oppts. being shy of men and one time the St. Louis club came to Chi +and Jones was all crippled up for pitchers but the game was on our home +grounds so it was up to Mgr. Rowland to say if the game should be played +or if he should call it off on acct. of cold weather because it was in the +spring. But he knowed Jones was shy of pitchers so he made him play the +game and Jones used big Laudermilk to pitch against us and they beat us +5 and 2. + +4 + +Another advantage where a gen. got it on a baseball mgr. because in +baseball the game begins at 3 o'clock and the other club knows when its +going to begin just the same as your club so they can't neither club beat +the other one to it and start the game wile the other club is looking out +the window. + +But a gen. don't half to tell the other side when he is going to attack +them but of course they have observers that can see when you are going to +get ready to pull something. But it looks to me like the observers wouldn't +be worth a hoop and he--ll if the other gen. made his preparations at night +when it was dark like bringing up the troops and artilery and supplys and +etc. and in that way you could take them by supprise and make them look +like a fool, like in baseball I have often crossed the batter up and one +day I had Cobb 3 and 2 and he was all set to murder a fast one and I dinked +a slow one up there to him and the lucky stiff hit it on the end of his bat +just inside third base and 2 men scored on it. + + * * * * * + +That's about the idears I am going to give him Al only of course I can talk +it off better then I can write it because wile I am talking I can think up +a lot more incidents to tell him and him being a baseball fan he will set +there pop eyed with his mouth open as long as I want to talk. But now I +can't hardly wait for him to get here Al and it seems funny to think that +here I am a $30 dollar a mo. doughboy and maybe in a few days I will be on +the staff and they don't have nobody only officers and even a lieut. gets 5 +or 6 times as much as a doughboy and how is that for a fine nickname Al for +men that all the dough they are getting is a $1 per day and the pollutes +only gets 2 Sues a day and that's about 2 cents so I suppose we ought to +call them the Wall St. crowd. + +Well Al you should ought to be thankfull you are there at home with your +wife where you can watch her and keep your eyes on her and find out what +she is doing with her spare time though I guess at that they wouldn't be +much danger of old Bertha running a muck and I don't suppose she would half +to wear bob wire entanglements to keep Jack the Kisser away but when a man +has got a wife like Florrie and here I am over here and there she is over +there well Al a man don't get to sleep no quicker nights from thinking +about it and I lay there night after night and wonder what and the he--ll +can she be doing and she might be doing most anything Al and they's only +the one thing that its a cinch she ain't doing and that's writeing a letter +to me and a man would pretty near think she had forgot my first name but +even at that she could set down and write to me and start it out Dear +Husband. + +But the way she acts why even if they was any fun over here I wouldn't be +haveing it and suppose I do get on Gen. Pershing's staff and get a lieut. +or something and write and tell her about it, why she would probably wait +till a legal holiday to answer me back and then she would write about 10 +words and say she went to the Palace last week and when she come out after +the show it was raining. + +Well Al you can't blame a man for anything he pulls off when their wife +acts like that and if I give that little Ernestine a smack the next time +she bulges her lips out at me whose fault is it Al? Not mine. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, March 20._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al the sooner the Germans starts their drive let them come +and I only hope we are up there when they start it and believe me Al if +they come at us with the gas I will dive into it with my mouth wide open +and see how much of it I can get because they's no use Al of a man trying +to live with the kind of luck I have got and I'm sick in tired of it all. + +Wait till you hear what come off today Al. In the first place my feet's +been going back on me for a long wile and they walked us all over France +yesterday and this A. M. I couldn't hardly get my shoes on and they was +going out for riffle practice and I don't need no riffle practice Al and +besides that I couldn't of stood it so I got excused and I set around a +wile after the rest of the bunch was gone and finely my feet got feeling a +little better and I walked over to the estaminet where that little gal's +at to see if maybe I couldn't brighten things up a little for her and sure +enough she was all smiles when she seen me and we talked a wile about this +in that and she tried to get personal and called me cherry which is like +we say dearie and finely I made the remark that I didn't think we would +be here much longer and then I seen she was going to blubber so I kind of +petted her hand and stroked her hair and she poked her lips out and I give +her a smack Al but just like you would kiss a kid or something after they +fell down and hurt themself. Well Al just as this was comeing off the door +to the other part of the joint opened up and in come her old man and seen +it and I thought all Frenchmens talked fast Al but this old bird made them +sound like a impediment and he come at me and if he hadn't been so old I +would of crowned him but of course I couldn't do nothing only let him rave +and finely I felt kind of sorry for him and I had a 20 frank note on me so +I shoved it at him and it struck him dumb Al and I got out of there and +come back to the Ark and it seems like I had been away a whole lot longer +then I meant to and any way I hadn't hardly no more then got my shoes off +and layed down when in come some of the boys. + +Well Al what do you think? Gen. Pershing was out there to the riffle +practice to overlook them and I suppose he heard we was going to be out +there and he went out there to be sure and catch me and he was makeing a +visit around the camp and instead of him stopping here he went out there to +see us and instead of me being out there Al, here I was mixed up in a riot +with an old goof over nothing you might say and Black Jack wondring where +and the he--ll could I be at because Alcock told me he noticed him looking +around like he mist somebody. And now he's on his way back to Paris and +probably sore as a boil and I can't do nothing only wait to hear from him +and probably he will just decide to pass me up. + +And the worst of it is Al that when they brought us the mail they was 2 +letters for me from Florrie and I couldn't of asked for nicer letters if I +had wrote them myself only why and the he--ll couldn't she of wrote them a +day sooner and I would of no more thought of getting excused today then fly +because if I had knew how my Mrs. mist me and how much she cares I wouldn't +of been waisting no time on no Ernestine but its to late now and Black +Jack's gone and so is my 20 franks and believe me Al 20 frank notes is tray +pew over here. I'll say they are. + +Your pal, JACK. + + + + +CHAPTER IV + +DECORATED + + +_Somewheres in France, April 2._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al yesterday was April Fool and you ought to seen what I +pulled on 1 of the boys Johnny Alcock and it was a screen and some of the +boys is still laughing over it yet but he is I of the kind that he can't +see a joke at their own expenses and he swelled up like a poison pup and +now he is talking about he will get even with me, but the bird that gets +even with me will half to get up a long time before revelry eh Al. + +Well Al I will tell you what I pulled on him and I bet you will bust your +sides. Well it seems like Johnny has got a girl in his home town Riverside, +Ill. near Chi and that is he don't know if he has got her or not because +him and another bird was both makeing a play for her, but before he come +away she told him to not worry, but the other bird got himself excused out +of the draft with a cold sore or something and is still there in the old +town yet where he can go and call on her every night and she is libel to +figure that maybe she better marry him so as she can have some of her +evenings to herself and any way she might as well of told Johnny to not +scratch himself over here as to not worry because for some reason another +the gal didn't write to him last month at lease he didn't get no letters +and maybe they got lost or she had writers cramps or something but any way +every time the mail come and nothing for him he looked like he had been +caught off second base. + +Well the day before yesterday he was reading 1 of the letters he got from +this baby 5 or 6 wks. ago on acct. of not haveing nothing better to read +and he left the envelope lay on the floor and I was going to hand it back +to him but I happened to think that yesterday would be April Fool so I kept +a hold of the envelope and I got a piece of paper and wrote April Fool on +it and stuck it in the envelope and fixed it up so as it would look like a +new letter and I handed it to him yesterday like it was mail that had only +just came for him and you ought to see him when he tore it open and didn't +find nothing only April Fool in it. At first he couldn't say nothing but +finely he says "That's some comedy Keefe. You ought to be a end man in the +stretcher bearers minstrels" and he didn't crack a smile so I said "What's +the matter with you can't you take a joke?" So he said "What I would like +to take is a crack at your jaw." So I said "Well it's to bad your arms is +both paralyzed." Well Al they's nothing the matter with his arms and I was +just kidding him because as far as him hitting anybody is conserned I was +just as safe as the gen. staff because he ain't much bigger than a cutie +and for him to reach my jaw he would half to join the aviation. + +Well of course he didn't start nothing but just said he would get back +at me if it took him till the duration of the war and I told some of the +other boys about putting it over on him and they couldn't hardly help from +smileing but he acts like a baby and don't speak to me and I suppose maybe +he thinks that makes me feel bad but I got to be 25 yrs. old before I ever +seen him and if his head was blowed off tomorrow A. M. I would try and show +up for my 3 meals a day if you could call them that. + +But speaking about April Fool Al I just stopped writeing to try and light +a cigarette with 1 of these here French matchs and every one of them is a +April Fool and I guess the parents of the kids over here don't never half +to worry about them smokeing to young because even if they had a box of +cigarettes hid in their cradle they would be of age before they would run +across a match that lit and I wouldn't be scared to give little Al a bunch +and turn him loose in a bbl. of gasoline. + +Well Al I suppose you been reading in the papers about the Dutchmens +starting a drive vs. the English up in the northren part of the section and +at first it looked like the English was going to leave them walk into the +Gulf Stream and scald themself to death, but now it seems like we have got +them slowed up at lease that's the dope we get here but for all the news +we get a hold of we might as well of jumped to the codfish league on the +way over and once in a wile some of the boys gets a U. S. paper a mo. old +but they hog onto it and don't leave nobody else see it but as far as I am +conserned they can keep it because I haven't no time to waist reading about +the Frisco fair or the Federal League has blowed up and etc. And of course +they's plenty of newspapers from Paris but all printed in la la la so as +every time you come to a word you half to rumage through a dictionary and +even when you run it down its libel to mean 20 different articles and by +the time you figured out whether they are talking about a st. car or a +hot bath or a raisin or what and the he--ll they are talking about they +wouldn't be no more news to it then the bible and it looks to me Al like +it would be a good idear if you was to drop me a post card when the war is +over so as I can tell Capt. Seeley or he will still be running us ragged to +get in shape a couple of yrs. after the last of the Dutchmens lays molting +in the grave. + +Jokeing to 1 side Al you probably know what's going on a long wile before +we do and the only chance we would have to know how a battle come out would +be if we was in it and they's no chance of that unless they send us up to +the northern part of the section to help out because Van Hindenburg must +have something under his hat besides bristles and he ain't a sucker enough +to start driveing vs. the front that we are behind it unless he is so +homesick that he can't stand it no longer in France. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, April 6._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al 1 of the Chi newspapers is getting out a paper in Paris +and printed in English and I just seen a copy of it where the Allys has +finely got wise to themself and made 1 man gen. of all the Allys and it was +a sucker play to not do that long ago only it looks to me like they pulled +another boner by makeing a Frenchman the gen. and I suppose they done it +for a complement to the Frenchmens on acct. of the war being here, but even +suppose this here Foch is a smart gen. and use his brains and etc. it looks +to me like it would of been a whole lot better to of picked out a man that +can speak English because suppose we was all in a big battle or something +and he wanted we should go over the top and if he said it in French why +most of the boys hasn't made no attempts to master the language and as far +as they was conserned he might as well be telling them to wash their neck. +Or else they would half to be interpeters to translate it out in English +what he was getting at and by the time he give the orders to fire and the +interpeter looked it up and seen what it meant in English and then tell +us about it the Dutchmens would be putting peep holes through us with a +bayonet and besides the French word for fire in English is feu in French +and you say it like it was few and if Gen. Foch yelled few we might think +he was complaining of the heat. + +But at that its better to have I man running it even a Frenchman then a lot +of different gens, telling us to do this in that and the other thing every +one of them different and suppose they done that in baseball Al and a club +had 3 or 4 mgrs. and suppose for inst. it come up to the 9th. inning and we +needed some runs and it was Benz's turn to hit and 1 mgr. would tell him to +go up and hit for himself and another mgr. would tell Murphy to go up and +hit for him and another mgr. would send Risberg up and another would send +Russell and the next thing you know they would be 2 of them swinging from 1 +side of the plate and 2 from the other side and probably busting each other +in the bean with their bats but you take most bird's beans and what would +break would be Mr. Bat. But its the same in war like in baseball and you +got to have 1 man running it. With a lot of different gens. in command, +1 of them might tell the men to charge while another was telling them to +pay cash. Jokeing to 1 side Al some of our boys have overtook a section +up along the Moose river and I wouldn't dast write about it only its been +printed in the papers all ready so I am not giveing away no secrets to the +Dutchmens. At lease they don't mind us writeing something that's came out +in the papers though as far as I can see how would the Dutchmens know it +any more if it was in the papers or not, because they ain't so choked with +jack over in Germany that they are going to spend it on U. S. papers a mo. +old and even when they got them they would half to find somebody that could +read English and hadn't been killed for it and it would be like as if I +should spend part of my $15 a mo. subscribeing to the Chop Suey Bladder +that you would half to lay on your stomach and hold it with your feet to +get it right side up and even then it wouldn't mean nothing. But any way +the Dutchmens is going to know sooner or later that we are in the war and +what's the differents if they meet us at the Moose or the Elks? Jokeing a +side Al I guess you won't be supprised to hear how I have picked up in the +riffle practice and I knew right along that I couldn't hardly help from +being a A No. 1 marksman because a man that had almost perfect control in +pitching you might say would be bound to shoot straight when they got the +hang of it and don't be supprised if I write you 1 of these days that I +been appointed a snipper that sets up in a tree somewheres and picks off +the boshs whenever they stick their head up and they call them snippers so +pretty soon my name is libel to be Jake Snipe instead of Jack Keefe, but +seriously Al I can pick off them targets like they was cherrys or something +and maybe I won't half to go in the trenchs at all. + +I guess I all ready told you about that little trick I pulled on Johnny +Alcock for a April Fool gag and at first he swelled up like a poison pup +and wouldn't talk to me and said he wouldn't never rest till he got even. +Well he finely got a real letter from the gal back home and she is still +waiting for him yet so he feels O. K. again and I and him are on speaking +turns again and I am glad to not be scraping with him because I don't never +feel right unless I am pals with everybody but they can't nobody stay sore +at me very long and even when some of the boys in baseball use to swell up +when I pulled 1 of my gags on them it wouldn't last long because I would +just smile at them and they would half to smile back and be pals and I +always say that if a man can't take a joke he better take acid or something +and make a corps out of himself instead of a monkey. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, April 11._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al I don't suppose you knew I was a detective but when it +comes to being a dick it looks like I don't half to salute Win. Burns or +Shylock or none of them. + +Seriously Al I come onto something today that may turn out to be something +big and then again it may not but it looks like it was something big only +of course it has got to be kept a secret till I get the goods on a certain +bird and I won't pull it till I have got him right and in that way he won't +suspect nothing until its to late. But I know you wouldn't breath a word +about it and besides it wouldn't hurt nothing if you did because by the +time you get this letter the whole thing will be over and this bird to who +I refer will probably own a peace of land in France with a 2 ft. frontidge +and 6 ft. deep. But you will wonder what am I trying to get at so maybe +I better explain myself. Well Al they's a big bird in our Co, name Geo. +Shaffer and that's a German name because look at Schaefer that use to play +ball in our league and it was spelt different but they called him Germany +and he thought he was funny and use to pull gags on the field but I guess +he didn't feel so funny the day Griffith sent him up to hit against me in +the pinch I day at Washington and if the ball he hit had of went straight +out instead of straight up it would of pretty near cleared the infield. But +any way this bird Shaffer in our Co. is big enough to have a corporal to +himself and they must of spent the first Liberty Loan on his uniform and +he hasn't hardly said a word since we been in France and for a wile we +figured it was just because he was a crab and to grouchy to talk, but now +I wouldn't be supprised Al if the real reason was on acct. of him being a +Dutchman and maybe can't talk English very good. Well I would feel pretty +mean to be spying on most of the boys that's been good pals with me, but +when a man is a pro German spy himself they's no question of friendship and +etc. and whatever I can do to show this bird up I won't hesitate a minute. + +Well Al this bird was writeing a letter last night and he didn't have no +envelope and he asked me did I have I and I said no and he wouldn't of +never spoke only to say Gimme but when I told him I didn't have no envelope +he started off somewheres to get 1 and he dropped the last page out of the +letter he had been writeing and it was laying right there along side of me +and of course I wouldn't of paid no tension to it only it was face up so as +I couldn't help from seeing it and what I seen wasn't no words like a man +would write in a letter but it was a bunch of marks like a x down at the +bottom and they was a whole line of them like this +x x x x x x x x x x x + +Well that roused up my suspicions and I guess you know I am not the kind +that reads other people's letters even if I don't get none of my own to +read but this here letter I kind of felt like they was something funny +about it like he was writeing in ciphers or something so I picked the page +up and read it through and sure enough they was parts of it in ciphers and +if a man didn't have the key you couldn't tell what and the he--ll he was +getting at. + +Well Al I was still studing the page yet when he come back in and they +wasn't nothing for me to do only set on it so as he wouldn't see I had +it and he come over and begin looking for it and I asked him had he lost +something to throw him off the track and he said yes but he didn't say what +it was and that made it all the more suspicious so he finely give up +looking and went out again. + +Well I have got it put away where he can't get a hold of it because I +showed it to Johnny Alcock this A. M. and asked him if it didn't look like +something off color and he said yes it did and if he was me he would turn +it over to Capt. Seeley but on 2d thoughts he said I better keep it a wile +and at the same time keep a eye on Shaffer and get more evidents vs. him +and then when I had him dead to rights I could turn the letter and the rest +of the evidents over to Capt. Seeley and then I would be sure to get the +credit for showing him up. Well Al I figure this 1 page of his letter is +enough or more then enough only of course its best to play safe and keep my +eyes pealed and see what comes off and I haven't got time to copy down the +whole page Al and besides they's a few sentences that sounds O. K. and I +suppose he put them in for a blind but you can't get away from them x marks +Al and I will write down a couple other sentences and I bet you will agree +that they's something fishy about them and here is the sentences to which I +refer: + +"In regards to your question I guess I understand O. K. In reply will say +yes I. L. Y. more than Y. L. M. Am I right." + +"Have you saw D. Give him a ring and tell the old spinort I am W. C. T. U. +outside of a little Vin Blank." + +Can you make heads or tales out of that Al? I guess not and neither could +anybody else except they had the key to it and the best part of it is his +name is signed down at the bottom and if he can explain that line of talk +he is a wonder but he can't explain it Al and all as he can do is make +a clean brest of the whole business and Alcock thinks the same way and +Alcock says he wished he had of been the 1 that got a hold of this evidents +because whoever turned it over to Capt. Sceley along with what other facts +I can get a hold of will just about get a commission in the intelligents +dept. and that's the men that looks after the pro German spys Al and gets +the dope on them and shows them up and I would probably have my head +quarters in Paris and get good money besides my expenses and I would half +to pass up the chance to get in the trenchs and fight but they's more ways +of fighting then 1 and in this game Al a man has got to go where they send +you and where they figure they would do the most good and if my country +needs me to track after spys I will sacrifice my own wishs though I would +a whole lot rather stay with my pals and fight along side of them and not +snoop round Paris fondleing door nobs like a night watchman. But Alcock +says he would bet money that is where I will land and he says "You ought +to feel right at home in the intelligents dept. like a camel in Lake Erie" +and he says the first chance I get I better try and start up a conversation +with Shaffer and try and lead him on and that is the way they trap them is +to ask them a whole lot of questions and see what they have got to say and +if you keep fireing questions at them they are bound to get balled up and +then its good night. + +Well I don't suppose it seems possible to you stay at homes that they could +be such a thing like a pro German spy in the U. S. army and how did he get +there and why did they leave him in and etc. Well Al you would be supprised +to know how many of them has slipped in and Alcock says that at first it +amounted to about 200% but the intelligents officers has been on their sent +all the wile and most of them has been nailed and when they get them they +shoot them down like a dog and that's what Shaffer will get Al and he is +out of luck to be so big because all as the fireing squad would half to do +would be look at their compass and see if he was east or west of them and +then face their riffle in that direction and let go. + +I will write and let you know how things comes along. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, April 14._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al I am closeing the net of evidents around Shaffer and I +guess I all ready got enough on him to make out a case that he couldn't +never wrinkle out of it but Capt. Seeley is away and I can't do nothing +till he gets back. + +I had my man on the grill today Al and I thought he would be a fox and +not criminate himself but I guess I went at him so smooth he didn't never +suspect nothing till along towards the finish and then it was to late. +I don't remember all that was said but it run along these lines like +as follows: In the first place I asked him where he lived and he said +Milwaukee Ave. in Chi and I don't know if you know it or not Al but that's +a st. where they have got traffic policemens at the corners to blow their +whistles once for the Germans to go north and south and twice for them to +go east and west. So then I said was he married and he says no. So then I +asked him where he was born and he said "What and the he--ll are you the +personal officer?" So I laughed it off and said "No but I thought maybe +we come from the same part of the country." So he says something about +everybody didn't half to come from the country but he wouldn't come out and +say where he did come from so then I kind of led around to the war and I +made the remark that the German drive up on the north side of France didn't +get very far and he says maybe they wasn't through. How was that for a fine +line of talk Al and he might as well have said he hoped the Germans +wouldn't never be stopped. + +Well for a minute I couldn't hardly help from takeing a crack at him but in +these kind of matters Al a man has got to keep a hold of themself or they +will loose their quarry so I kind of forced a smile and said "Well I guess +they would have kept going if they could of." And then he says "Yes but +they half to stop every once in a wile to bring up Van Hindenburg." So I +had him traped Al and quick is a flash I said "Who told you their plans?" +And he says "Oh he--ll my mother in law" and walked away from me. + +Well Al it was just like sometimes when they are trying a man for murder +and he says he couldn't of did it because he was over to the Elite jazing +when it come off and a little wile later the lawyer asks him where did he +say he was at when the party was croked and he forgets what he said the +1st. time and says he was out to Lincoln Pk. kidding the bison or something +and the lawyer points out to the jury where his storys don't jib and the +next thing you know he is dressed up in a hemp collar a couple sizes to +small. + +And that's the same way I triped Shaffer getting him to say he wasn't +married and finely when I have him cornered he busts out about his mother +in law. Well Al I don't know of no way to get a mother in law without +marrying into one. So I told Alcock tonight what had came off and he says +it looked to him like I had a strong case and if he was me he would spill +it to Capt. Seeley the minute he gets back. And he said "You lucky stiff +you won't never see the inside of a front line trench." So I asked him +what he meant and he repeated over again what he said about them takeing +me in the intelligents dept. So it looks like I was about through being a +doughboy Al and pretty soon I will probably be writeing to you from Paris +but I don't suppose I will be able to tell you what I am doing because +that's the kind of a job where mum is the word. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, April 16._ + +FRIEND AL: Well old pal don't be supprised if I write you the next time +from Paris. I have got a date to see Capt. Seeley tomorrow and Lieut. +Mather fixed it up for me to see him but I had to convince the lieut. that +it wasn't no monkey business because they's always a whole lot of riffs and +raffs asking Capt. Seeley can they have a word with him and what they want +is to borry his knife to pair their finger nails. + +But I guess he won't be sorry he seen me Al not when I show him the stuff +I have got on this bird and he will probably shake me by the hand and say +"Well Keefe Uncle Sam is proud of you but you are waisting your time here +and I will be sorry to loose you but it looks like you belong in other +fields." And he will wire a telegram to the gen. staff reccomending me to +go to Paris. + +I guess I all ready told you some of the stuff I have got on this bird but +I have not told you all because the best one didn't only happen last night. +Well on acct. of I and Alcock being friends he has kind of been keeping a +eye pealed on Shaffer to help me out and he found a letter last night that +Shaffer had wrote and this time it was the whole letter with the address +and everything and who do you suppose it was to? Well Al it was to Van +Hindenburg himself and I have got it right here where I can keep a eye on +it and believe me it's worth watching and I wished I could send it to you +so you could see for yourself what kind of a bird we are dealing with. But +that's impossible Al but they's nothing to keep me from copping it off. + +Well the letter is wrote in German and to show you what a foxy bird he is +he wrote it out in printing so as if it got found by somebody they couldn't +prove he wrote it because when words is wrote out in printing it looks just +the same who ever wrote it and you can't tell. But he wasn't foxy enough to +not sign G. S. down to the bottom of it and that stands for his name George +Shaffer and he is the only G. S. in the Co. so it looks like we had him up +in a tree. Here is what the letter says: + +"Field Marshall Van Hindenburg, c/o Die Vierten Dachshunds, Deutscher +Armee, Flanders. 500,000 U. S. Soldaten schon in Frankreich doch. In +Lauterbach habe Ich mein Strumpf verloren und ohne Strumpf gehe Ich nicht +heim. xxxxxxx G.S." + +Notice them x marks again Al like in the other letter and the other letter +was probably to Van Hindenburg to and I only wished I knew what the x marks +means but maybe some of the birds that's all ready in the intelligents +dept. can figure it out. But they's no mystery about the rest of it Al +because Alcock understands German and he translated it out what the German +words means and here is what it means: + +500,000 United States soldiers in France all ready yet. Will advise you +when to attack on this front. + +How is that Al for a fine trader and spy to tell the gen. of the German +army how many soldiers we got over here and to not attack till Shaffer says +the word and he was probably going to say it wile we was all asleep or +something. But thanks to me Al he will be the one that is asleep and it +will be some sleep Al and it will make old Rip and Winkle look like they +had the colic and when the boys finds out what I done for them I guess they +won't be nothing to good for me. But it will be to late for them to show +their appreciations because I won't be here no more and the boys probably +won't see me again till its all over and we are back in the old U. S. +because Alcock was talking to a bird that's in the int. dept. and he says 1 +of their dutys was to keep away from everybody and not leave them know who +you are. Because of course if word got out that you was a spy chaser the +spys wouldn't hardly run up and kiss you on the st. but they would duck +when they seen you and you would have as much chance to catch them as +though you was trolling for wales with a grass hopper. + +And from this bird's dope that Alcock was talking to I will half to leave +off my uniform and wear plain close and maybe wear false whiskers and etc. +so as people who see me the 1st. time I will look different to them the +next time they see me and maybe I will half to let my mustache grow and +grease it so as they will think maybe I am a Dutchman and if they are +working for the Kaiser I could maybe pump them. + +But they's 1 thing I don't like about it Al because Alcock says Paris is +full of women that isn't exactly spys but they have been made a fool out of +and they are some German's duke but the Dutchmens tells them a whole lot +of things that Uncle Sam would like to know and I would half to find them +things out and the only way to do that would be to get them stuck on me and +I guess that wouldn't be no chore but when a gal gets stuck on you they +will tell you everything they know and wile with most gals I ever seen they +could do that without dropping another nickle still and all it would be +different with these gals in Paris that's been the tools of some Dutchmens +because you take a German and he don't never stop braging till he inhales a +bayonet. + +[Illustration: When a gal gets stuck on you they will tell you everything +they know.] + +But it don't seem fair to make love to them and pertend like I was nuts +over them and then when I had learned all they was to know I would half to +get rid of them and cast them to 1 side and god knows how many wounds I +will leave behind me but probably as many as though I was a regular soldier +or snipper but then I wouldn't feel so bad about it because it would be men +and not girlies but everything goes in war fair as they say Al and if Uncle +Sam and Gen. Pershing asks me to do it I will do whatever they ask me and +they can't nobody really hold it vs. me because of why I am doing it. + +But talking about snippers Al I noticed today that I wasn't near as good as +usual in the riffle practice and it was like as if I was haveing a slump +like some of the boys does in baseball when they go along 5 or 6 days +without finding out who is umpireing the bases and I am afraid that is how +it would be with me in snipping I would be O. K. part of the time and the +rest of the time I couldn't hit Europe and maybe I would fall down when +they was depending on me and then I would feel like a rummy so I guess I +better not try and show up so good in practice even when I do feel O. K. +because they might make a snipper out of me without knowing my weakness and +I figure its something the matter with my eyes. Besides Al it don't seem +like its a fair game to be pecking away at somebody that they can't see +you and aren't looking for no supprise and its a whole lot different then +fighting with a bayonet where its man to man and may the best man win. + +Well Al I guess I have told you all the news and things is going along +about as usual and they don't seem to be no prospects of us overtakeing a +section up to the front but its just train and train and train and if the +ball clubs had a training trip like we been haveing they would be so tired +by the 1 of May that they wouldn't run out a base on balls. Yesterday we +past by a flock of motor Lauras that was takeing wounded back to a base +hospital somewheres and Alcock was talking to 1 of the drivers and he said +that over 100% of the birds that's getting wounded and killed these days is +the snippers and the boshs don't never rest till they find out where there +nests is at and then they get all their best marksmens and aim at where +they think the snipper has got his nest and then its good night snipper and +he is either killed right out or looses a couple of legs or something. I +certainly feel sorry for the boys that's wounded Al and every time we see +a bunch of them all us boys is crazy to get up there to the front and get +even for what they done. + +Well old pal I will half to get busy now and overlook the dope I have got +on Shaffer so as I will have everything in order for Capt. Seeley and I +will write and let you know how things comes out. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, April 18._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al they's a whole lot of birds that thinks they are wise +and always trying to pull off something on somebody but once in a wile they +pick out the wrong bird to pull it on and then the laugh is on the smart +Alex themself. + +Well Alcock and some of them thought they was putting up a game on me and +was going to make me look like a monkey but before I get through with them +Al they will be the suckers and I will be giveing them the horse laugh but +what I ought to do is bust them in the jaw and if I was running this war +every bird that tried to pull off some practical joke to put a man in bad, +I would give a lead shower in their honor some A. M. before breakfast. + +Alcock was trying to make me believe that 1 of the boys in the Co. name +Geo. Shaffer was a German spy or something and they framed up a letter like +as if he wrote it to Van Hindenburg giveing away secrets in German about +our army and etc. but they made the mistake of signing his initials to the +letter so when I come to think it over I seen it must be a fake because a +bird that was a real spy wouldn't never sign their own name to a letter but +they would sign John Smith or something. + +But any way I had a hold of this letter and a peace of another letter that +Shaffer really did write it and I thought I would show them to Capt. Seeley +and play it safe because they might be something in them after all and any +way it would give him a good laugh. So yesterday I went and seen him and he +says "Well Keefe what can I do for you?" So I said "You can't do nothing +for me sir but this time I can do something for you. What would you think +if I told you they was a trader and a German spy in your Co." So he says "I +would think you were crazy." So I said "I am afraid you will half to think +so then but maybe you won't think I am so crazy when I show you the goods." + +So then Al I pulled that 1st. peace of a letter on him and showed it to him +and he read it and when he got through he says "Well it looks suspicious +all right. It looks like the man that wrote it was hacking up a big plot +to spring a few dependents on his local board the next time they draft +him." So I said "The bird that wrote that letter is a Dutchman name Geo. +Shaffer." So Capt. Seeley says "Well I wish him all the luck in the world +and a lot of little Shaffers." So I said "Yes but what about them x marks +and all them letters without no words to them?" So he said "Didn't you +never correspond with a girl and put some of them xs down to the bottom of +your letter?" So I says "I have wrote letters to a whole lot of girls but +I never had to write nothing in ciphers because I wasn't never ashamed of +anything I wrote." So he said "Well your lady friends was all cheated then +because this is ciphers all right but its the kind of messages they love to +read because it means kisses." + +Well Al of course I knew it meant something like that but I didn't think a +big truck horse like Shaffer would make such a mushmellow out of himself. +But anyway I said to Capt. Seeley I says "All right but what about them +other initials without no words to go with them?" And he says "Well that's +some more ciphers but they's probably a little gal out in Chi that don't +half to look at no key to figure it out." + +So then I pulled the other letter on him the 1 in German and he also smiled +when he read this one and finely he says "Some of your pals has been +playing a trick on you like when you come over on the ship and the best +thing you can do is to tear the letters up and keep it quite and don't +leave nobody know you fell for it. And now I have got a whole lot to tend +to so good by." + +So that's all that was said between us and I come away and come back to +quarters and Alcock and 2 or 3 of the other boys was there and Alcock knew +where I had been and I suppose he had told the other birds and they was all +set to give me the Mary ha ha but I beat them to it. + +"Well Alcock" I says when I come in "you are some joke Smith but you +wouldn't think you was so funny if I punched your jaw." So he turned kind +of pail but he forced a smile and says "Well I guess the Vin Blank is on +you this time." So I said "You won't get no Vin Blank off me but what you +are libel to get is a wallop in the jaw." So he says "You crabbed at me +a wile ago for not takeing a joke but it looks like you was the one that +couldn't take them now." So I said "What I would like to take is a poke +at your nose." So that shut him up and they didn't none of them get their +laugh because I had them scared and if they had of laughed I would of made +them swallow it. + +So after all Al the laugh is on them because their gag fell dead and I +guess the next time they try and pull some gag they will pick out some hick +from some X roads to pull it on and not a bird that has traveled all over +the big leagues and seen all they is to see. + +Well Al I am tickled to death I won't half to give up my uniform and snoop +around Paris like a white wings double crossing women and spying and etc. +and even if the whole thing hadn't of been just a joke I was going to ask +Capt. Seeley to not reccomend me to no int. dept. but jest leave me be +where I am at so as when the time comes I can fight fair like man to man +and not behind no woman's skirts like a cur. + +So you see Al everything is O. K. after all and the laugh is on Alcock and +his friends because they was the ones that expected to do all the laughing +but instead of that I made a monkey out of them. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, April 23._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al if you would see my face you would think I had been +attending a barrage or something or else I had been in a bar room fight +only of course if it was a fair fight I wouldn't be so kind of marred up +like I am. But I had a accident Al and fell over a bunk and lit on the old +bean and the result is Al that I have got a black eye and a bad nose and my +jaw is swole a little and my ears feels kind of dull like so I guess the +ladys wouldn't call me Handsome Jack if they seen me but it will be all O. +K. in a few days and I will be the same old Jack. + +But I will tell you how it come off. I was setting reading a letter from +Florrie that all as she said in it was that she had boughten herself a +new suit that everybody says was the cutest she ever had on her back just +like I give a dam because by the time I see her in it she will of gave +it to little Al's Swede. But any way I was reading this letter when in +come Shaffer the bird that was mixed up in that little gag about the fake +spy and he come up to me and says "Well you big snake who's male are you +reading now?" Well Al him calling me big is like I would say hello Jumbo to +a flee. But any way I says "My own male and who and the he--ll male would +I be reading?" So he said "Well its hard to tell because you stole some of +mine and read it and not only that but you showed it to the whole A. E. F. +so now stand up and take what's comeing to you." + +Well Al I thought he was just kidding so I says "I come over here to fight +Germans and not 1 of my own pals." So he says "Don't call me no pal, but +if you come to fight Germans now is your chance because you say I'm 1 of +them." + +Well he kind of made a funny motion like he wanted to spar or wrestle or +something and I thought he meant it in a friendly way like we sometimes +pull off a rough house once in a wile so I stood up but before I had a +chance to take holds with him he cut loose at me with his fists doubled up +and I kind of triped or something and fell over a bench and I must have hit +something sharp on the way down and I kind of got scratched up but they are +only scratchs and don't amt. to nothing. Only I wished I knew he had of +been serious and I would of made a punching bag out of him and you can bet +that the next time he wants to start something I won't wait to see if he +is jokeing but I will tear into him and he will think he run into a Minnie +Weffers. + +Well I suppose Alcock was sore at me for getting the best of him and not +falling for his gag and he was afraid to tackle me himself and he told big +Shaffer a peck of lies about some dam letter or something and said I stole +it and it made Shaffer sore and no wonder because who wouldn't be sore if +they thought somebody was reading their male. But a man like Shaffer that +if he stopped a shell the Dutchmens would half to move back a ways so as +they would be room enough in France to bury him hasn't got no right to +pick on a smaller man especially when I wasn't feeling good on acct. of +something I eat but at that Al size don't make no difference and its the +bird that's got the nerve and knows how that can knock them dead and if +Shaffer had of gave me any warning he would of been the 1 that is scratched +up instead of I though I guess he is to lucky to trip over a kit bag and +fall down and cut himself. + +But my scratchs don't really amt. to nothing Al and in a few days I will be +like new. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, April 25._ + +FRIEND AL: Well old pal I have got some big news for you now. We been +ordered up to the front and its good by to this Class D burg and now for +some real actions and I am tickled to death and I only hope the Dutchmens +will loose their minds and try and start something up on the section where +we are going to and I can't tell you where its at Al but you keep watching +the papers and even if the boshs don't start nothing maybe we will start +something on our own acct. and the next thing you know you will read where +we have got them on the Lincoln highway towards Russia and believe me Al we +won't half to stop every little wile to bring up no Van Hindenburg but we +will run them ragged and they say the Germans is the best singers and when +they all bust out with Comrades they will make the Great Lakes band sound +like the Russia artillery. + +Well Al I am so excited I can't write much and I have got a 100 things to +tend to so I will half to cut this letter short. + +Well some of the other birds like Alcock and them is pertending like they +was tickled to death to but believe me Al if the orders was changed all of +a sudden and they told us we was going to stay here till the duration of +the war we wouldn't half to call on the Engrs. to dam their tear ducks. But +they pertend like they are pleased and keep whistleing so as they won't +blubber and today they all laughed their heads off at something that come +out in the Co. paper that some of the boys gets out but they laughed like +they was nervous instead of enjoying it. + +Well what come out in the paper was supposed to be a joke on me and if they +think its funny they are welcome and I would send the paper to you that its +in only I haven't got only the 1 copy so I will copy it down and you can +see for yourself what a screen it is. Well they's 1 peace that's got up to +look like it was the casuality list in some regular newspaper and it says: + + WOUNDED IN ACTION + Privates + Jack Keefe, Chicago, Ill. (Very) + +And then they's another peace that reads like this: + +DECORATED + +"The Company has won its first war honors and Private Jack Keefe is the +lucky dog. Private Keefe has been decorated by Gen. George Shaffer of +the 4th. Dachshunds for extreme courage and cleverness in showing up a +dangerous nest of spies. Keefe was hit four times by large caliber shells +before he could say surrender. He was decorated with the Order of the +Schwarz Auge, the Order of the Rot Nase and the Order of the Blumenkohl +Ohren, besides which a Right Cross was hung on his jaw. Private Keefe takes +his honors very modestly, no one having even heard him mention them except +in stifled tones during the night." + +Well Al all right if they can find something to amuse themself and they +need it I guess. But they better remember that they's plenty of time for +the laugh to be on the other foot before this war is over. + +Your pal, JACK. + + + + +CHAPTER V + +SAMMY BOY + + +_In the Trenchs, May 6._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al I haven't wrote you no letter for a long wile and I +suppose maybe you think something might of happened to me or something. +Well old pal they hasn't nothing happened and I only wished they would +because anything would be better than laying around here and I would rather +stop a shell and get spread all over Europe then lay around here and die a +day at a time you might say. + +Well I would of wrote you before only we was on the march and by the time +night come around my dogs fret me so bad I couldn't think of nothing else +and when they told us we was comeing up here I thought of course they would +send us up in motor Lauras or something and not wear us all out before we +got here but no it was drill every ft. of the way and I said to Johnny +Alcock the night we got here that when they was sending us up here to die +they might at lease give us a ride and he says no because when they send +a man to the electric chair they don't push him up there in a go cart but +they make him get there on his own dogs. So I said "Yes but he travels +light and he don't half to go far and when he gets there they's a chair +waiting for him to set down in it but they load us up like a troop ship and +walk us 1/2 way to Sweden and when we finely get here we can either remain +standing or lay down in a mud puddle and tuck ourself in." + +And another thing Al I thought they meant we was going right in the front +line trenchs where a man has got a chance to see some fun but where we are +at is what they call the reserve trenchs and we been here 3 days all ready +and have got to stay here 7 days more that is unless they should something +happen to the regt. that's up ahead of us in the front line and if they get +smashed up or something and half to be sent back to the factory then we +will jump right in and take their place and I don't wish them no bad luck +but I wished they would get messed up tonight at lease enough so as they +would half to come out for repairs but it don't look like they was much +chance of that as we are on a quite section where they hasn't been nothing +doing since the war begin you might say but of course Jerry is raising +he--ll all over the front now and here is where he will probably pick on +next and believe me Al we will give him a welcome. + +But the way things is mapped out now we will be here another wk. yet and +then up in the front row for 10 days and then back to the rest billets for +a rest but they say the only thing that gets a rest back there is your +stomach but believe me your stomach gets a holiday right here without going +to no rest billets. + +Well I thought they would be some excitement up here but its like church +but everybody says just wait till we get up in front and then we will have +plenty of excitement well I hope they are telling the truth because its +sure motonus here and about all as we do is have inspections and scratch. +As Johnny Alcock says France may of lose a whole lot of men in this war but +they don't seem to of been no casualitys amist the cuties. + +Well Al they's plenty of other bugs here as well as the kinds that itchs +and I mean some of the boys themselfs and here is where it comes out on +them is where they haven't nothing to do only lay around and they's 1 bird +that his name is Harry Friend but the boys calls him the chicken hawk and +its not only on acct. of him loveing the ladys but he is all the wile +writeing letters to them and he is 1 of these fancy writers that has to +wind up before he comes down on the paper with a word and between every +word he sores up and swoops down again like he was over a barn yard and +sometimes the boys set around and bets on how many wirls he will take +before he will get within writeing distants of the paper. + +Well any way he must get a whole lot of letters wrote if he answers all +the ones that comes for him because every time you bump into him he pulls +one on you that he just got from some gal that's nuts about him somewheres +in the U. S. and its always a different 1 and I bet the stores that sells +service stars kept open evenings the wk. this bird enlisted in the draft. +But today it was a French gal that he had a letter from her some dame in +Chalons and he showed me her picture and she's some queen Al and he is +pulling for us to be sent there on our leave after we serve our turn up +here and I don't blame him for wanting to be where she's at and I wished +they was some baby doll that I could pal around with in what ever burg they +ship us to. But I don't know nobody Al and besides I'm a married man so no +flirting with the parley vous for me and I suppose I will spend most of my +time with the 2 Vin sisters and a headache. + +Your pal, JACK. + +[Illustration: Every time you bump into him he pulls a letter on you.] + + * * * * * + +_In the Trenchs, May 9._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al I was talking to 1 of the boys Jack Brady today and we +was talking about Harry Friend and I told Jack about him getting a letter +from this French girlie at Chalons and how he was pulling for us to go +there on our leave so as he could see her so Jack said he didn't think we +would go there but they would probably send us to 1 of the places where we +could get a bath as god knows we will need one and they will probably send +us to Aix les Bains or Nice or O. D. Cologne. So I said I didn't care where +we was sent as they wouldn't be no gal waiting for me in none of them towns +so Jack says it was my own fault if they wasn't as all these places was +full of girlies that was there for us to dance with them and etc. and the +officers had all their names and addresses and the way to do was write to +1 of them and tell her when you was comeing and would she like to show you +around and he said he would see 1 of the lieuts. that he stands pretty good +with him and see what he could do for me. Well Al I told him to go ahead as +I thought it was just a joke but sure enough he showed up after a wile and +he said the lieut. didn't only have 1 name left but she was a queen and he +give me her name and address and its Miss Marie Antoinette 14 rue de Nez +Rouge, O. D. Cologne. + +Well Al I didn't have nothing else to do so I set down and wrote her a note +and I will coppy down what I wrote: + +"_Dear Miss Antoinette_: I suppose you will be supprised to hear from +me and I hope you won't think I am some fresh bird writeing you this letter +for a joke or something but I am just 1 of Uncle Sam's soldiers from the +U. S. A. and am now in the trenchs fighting for your country. Well Miss +Antoinette we expect to be here about 2 wks. more and then we will have a +leave off for a few days and some of the boys thinks we may spend it in +your city and I thought maybe you might be good enough to show me around +when we get there. I was a baseball pitcher back in the U. S. A. tall and +athletic build and I don't suppose you know what baseball is but thought +maybe you would wonder what I look like. Well if you aren't busy when we +get there I will hope to see you and if you are agreeable drop me a line +here and I will sure look you up when I get there." + + * * * * * + +So then I give her my name and where to reach me and of course they won't +nothing come out of it Al only a man has got to amuse yourself some way in +a dump like this or they would go crazy. But it would sure be a horse on +me if she was to answer the letter and say she would be glad to see me and +then of course I would half to write and tell her I was a married man or +else not write to her at all but of course they won't nothing come out of +it and its a good bet we won't never see Cologne as that was just a guess +on Brady's part. + +Well Al things is going along about like usual with nothing doing only +inspections and etc. and telling us how to behave when we get up there in +the front row and not to stick our head over the top in the day time and +you would think we was the home guards or something and at that I guess the +home guards is seeing as much of the war as we are in this old ditch but +they say it will be different when we get up in front and believe me I hope +so and they can't send us there to soon to suit me. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_In the Trenchs, May 11._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al here we are up in the front line trenchs and we come +in here 2 days ahead of time but that's the way they run everything in the +army except feed you but they don't never do nothing when they say they are +going to and I suppose they want a man to get use to haveing things come +by supprise so as it won't interfere with your plans if you get killed a +couple days before you was looking for it. + +Well Al we are looking for it now most any day and this may be the last +letter you will ever get from your old pal and you may think I am kidding +when I say that but 1 of the boys told me a wile ago that he heard Capt. +Seeley telling 1 of the lieuts. that the reason we come in here ahead of +time was on acct. of them expecting the Dutchmans to make their next drive +on this section and the birds that we are takeing their place was a bunch +of yellow stiffs that was hard of hearing except when they was told to +retreat and Gen. Pershing figured that if they was up here when Jerry made +a attack they would turn around and open up a drive on Africa and the bosh +has been going through the rest of the line like it was held by the ladies +aid and Gen. Foch says they have got to be stopped so we are elected Al and +you know what that means and it means we can't retreat under no conditions +but stay here till we get killed. So you see I wasn't kidding Al and it +looks like it was only a question of a few days or maybe not that long but +at that I guess most of the boys would just as leave stop a Dutch bayonet +as to lay around in this he--ll hole. Believe me Al this is a fine resort +to spend 10 days at what with the mud and the perfume and a whole menajery +useing you for a parade grounds. + +Well Capt. Seeley wants us to get all the rest we can now on acct. of +what's comeing off after a wile but believe me I am not going to oversleep +myself in this he--ll hole because suppose Jerry would pick out the time +wile you was asleep to come over and pay us a visit and they's supposed +to be some of the boys on post duty to watch all night and keep their eye +pealed and wake us up if they's something stiring but I have been in hotels +a lot of times and left a call with some gal that didn't have nothing to +do only pair her finger nails and when the time come ring me up but even +at that she forgot it so what chance is they for 1 of these sentrys to +remember and wake everybody up when maybe they's 5 or 6 Dutchmens divideing +him into building lots with their bayonet or something. So as far as I am +conserned I will try and keep awake wile I can because it looks like when +we do go to sleep we will stay asleep several yrs. and even if we are lucky +enough to get back to them rest billets we can sleep till the cows come +home a specially if they give us some more of them entertainments like we +had in camp. + +Well Al before we got here I thought they would be so much fireing back and +4th. up here that a man couldn't hear themself think but I guess Jerry is +saveing up for the big show though every little wile they try and locate +our batterys and clean them out and once in so often 1 of our big guns +replys but as Johnny Alcock says you couldn't never accuse our artillrys +from being to gabby and I guess we are lucky they are pretty near +speechless as they might take a notion to fire short but any way a little +wile ago 1 of our guns sent a big shell over and Johnny says what and the +he--ll can that be and I said its a shell from 1 of our guns and he says he +thought they fired 1 yesterday. + +Well as I say here we are with 10 days of it stareing us in the eye and the +cuties for company and the only way we can get out of here ahead of time is +on a stretcher and I wouldn't mind that Al but as I say I want to be awake +when my time comes because if I am going to get killed in this war I want +to have some idear who done it. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_In the Trenchs, May 14._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al I got the supprise of my life today when Jack Brady +handed me a letter that had came for me and that's supprise enough itself +but all the more when I opened it up and seen who it was from. Well it was +from that baby in Cologne and I will coppy it down as it is short and you +can see for yourself what she says. Well here it is: + +"_Dear Mr. Keefe_: Your letter just reached me and you can bet I was +glad to get it. I sure will be glad to see you when you come to Cologne +and I will be more than glad to show you the sights. This is some town and +we sure will have a time when you get here. I am just learning to write +English so please excuse mistakes but all I want to say is don't disappoint +me but write when you will come so I can be all dressed up comme un cheval. +Avec l'amour und kussen. + +"MARIE ANTOINETTE." + +You see Al they's part of it wrote in French and that last part means with +love and kisses. Well I guess that letter I wrote her must have went over +strong and any ways it looks like she didn't exactly hate me eh Al? Well it +looks like I would half to write to her back and tell her I am a married +man and they can't be no flirting between her and I but if she wants to be +a good pal and show me around O. K. and no harm done. Well I hope she takes +it that way because it sure will seem good to talk to a gal again that +can talk a little English and not la la la all the wile but of course its +a good bet that I won't never see her because we are just as libel to go +somewheres else as Cologne though Brady seems to think that's where we are +headed for. Well time will tell and in the mean wile we are libel to get +blowed to he--ll and gone and then of course it would be good by sweet +Marie but I was supprised to hear from her as I only wrote to her in fun +and didn't think nothing would come from it but I guess Harry Friend isn't +the only lady killer in the U. S. army and if I was 1 of the kind that +shows off all their letters I guess I have got 1 now to show. + +A side from all that Al we was supposed to have our chow a hr. ago but no +chow and some of the boys says its on acct. of our back arears being under +fire and you see the kitchens is way back of the front lines and the boys +on chow detail is supposed to bring our food up here but when the back +arears is under fire they are scared to bring it up or they might maybe run +into some bad luck on the way. How is that for fine dope Al when a whole +regt. starves to death because a few yellow stiffs is afraid that maybe a +shell might light near them and spill a few beans. Brady says maybe they +are trying to starve us so as we will get mad and fight harder when the +time comes like in the old days when they use to have fights between men +and lions in Reno and Rome and for days ahead they wouldn't give the lions +nothing to eat so as they would be pretty near wild when they got in Reno +and would make a rush at the gladaters that was supposed to fight them and +try and eat them up on acct. of being so near starved. Well Al I would half +to be good and hungry before I would want to eat a Dutchman a specially +after they been in the trenchs a wile. + +But any way it don't make a whole lot of differents if the chow gets here +or not because when it comes its nothing only a eye dropper full of soup +and coffee and some bread that I would hate to have some of it fall on my +toe and before we left the U. S. everybody was trying to preserve food so +as the boys in France would have plenty to eat but if they sent any of the +preserves over here the boat they come on must of stopped a torpedo and I +hope the young mackerels won't make themselfs sick on sweets. + +Jokeing to 1 side this is some climate Al and they don't never a day pass +without it raining and I use to think the weather profits back home had a +snap that all they had to do was write down rain or snow or fair and even +if they was wrong they was way up there where you couldn't get at them but +they have got a tough job when you look at a French weather profit and as +soon as he learns the French for rain he can open up an office and he don't +half to hide from nobody because he can't never go wrong though Alcock says +they have got a dry season here that begins the 14 of July and ends that +night but its a holiday so the weather profit don't half to monkey with +it. Any way its so dark here all the wile that you can't hardly tell day +and night only at night times the Dutchmens over across the way sends up +a flare once in a wile to light things up so as they can see if they's +any of us prowling around Nobody's Land and speaking about Nobody's Land +Brady says its the ground that lays between the German trenchs and the +vermin trenchs but jokeing to 1 side if it wasn't for these here flares we +wouldn't know they was anybody over in them other trenchs and when we come +in here they was a lot of talk about Jerry sending over a patrol to find +out who we was but it looks like he wasn't interested. But all and all Al +its nothing like I expected up here and all we have seen of the war is when +a shell or 2 busts in back of us or once in a wile 1 of their areoplanes +comes over and 1 of ours chases them back and sometimes they have a battle +but they always manage to finish it where we can't see it for the fear we +might enjoy ourselfs. + +Well it looks like we would half to go to bed on a empty stomach if you +could call it bed and speaking about stomach Brady says they's a old saying +that a army travels on their stomach but a cutie covers a whole lot more +ground. But as I say when you don't get your chow you don't miss much only +it kills a little time and everybody is sick in tired of doing nothing and +1 of the boys was saying tonight he wished the Dutchmens would attack so as +to break the motley and Alcock said that if they did attack he hoped they +would do it with gas as his nose needed a change of air. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_In the Trenchs, May 16._ + +FRIEND AL: Well old pal I come within a ace you might say of not being +here to write you this letter and you may think that's bunk but wait till +you hear what come off. Well it seems our scout planes brought back word +yesterday that the Dutch regt. over across the way had moved out and +another regt. had took their place and it seems when they make a change +like that our gens. always trys to find out who the new rivals is so the +orders come yesterday that we was to get up a patrol party for last night +and go over and take a few prisoners so as we would know what regt. we +was up vs. Well as soon as the news come out they was some of the boys +volunteered to go in the patrol and they was only a few going so I didn't +feel like noseing myself in and maybe crowding somebody out that was set +on going and besides what and the he--ll do I care what regt. is there as +long as its Germans and its like you lived in a flat and the people across +the hall moved out and some people moved in why as long as you knowed they +wasn't friends of yours you wouldn't rush over and ring their door bell and +say who the he--ll are you but you would wait till they had time to get +some cards printed and stick 1 in the mail box. So its like I told Alcock +that when the boys come back they would tell the Col. that the people opp. +us was Germans and the Col. would be supprised because he probably thought +all the wile that they was the Idaho boy scouts or something. But at that I +pretty near made up my mind at the last minute to volunteer just to break +the motley you might say but it was to late and I lost out. + +Well Al the boys that went didn't come back and I hope the Col. is +satisfied now because he has lost that many men and he knows just as much +as he did before namely that they's some Germans across the way and either +they killed our whole bunch or took them a prisoner and instead of us +learning who they are they found out who we are because the boys that's +gone is all from our regt. and its just like as if we went over and give +them the information they wanted to save them the trouble of comeing over +here and getting it. + +Well it don't make a man feel any happier to think about them poor boys and +god only knows what happened to them if they are prisoners or dead and some +of them was pals of mine to but the worst part of it is that the word will +be sent home that they are missing in actions and their wifes won't know +what become of them if they got any and I can't help from thinking I might +of been with them only for not wanting to crowd somebody out and if I had +of went my name would be in the casuality list as missing in actions but I +guess at that if Florrie picked up the paper and seen it she wouldn't know +it was her husband its so long since she wrote it on a envelop. + +Well Al they's other gals in the world besides Florrie and of course its to +late to get serious with them when a man has got a wife and kid but believe +me I am going to enjoy myself if they happen to pick out Cologne to send us +to and if the little gal down there is 1 of the kind that can be good pals +with a man without looseing her head over me I will sure have a good time +but I suppose when she sees me she will want to begin flirting or something +and then I will half to pass her up before anybody gets hurt. Well any way +I wrote her a friendly letter today and just told her to keep me in mind +and I stuck a few French words in it for a gag but I will coppy down what I +wrote the best I can remember it so you will know what I wrote. Here it is: + +_Mon cher Marie_: Your note recd. and you can bet I was mighty glad to +hear from you and learn you would show me around Cologne. That is if they +send us there and if we get out of here alive. Well you said you was just +learning English well I will maybe be able to help you along and you can +maybe help me with the French so you see it will be 50 50. Well I sure hope +they send us to Cologne and I will let you know the minute I find out where +they are going to send us and maybe even if its somewheres else couldn't +you visit there at the same time and maybe I could see you. Well girlie we +will be out of here in less then a wk. now if we don't have no bad luck and +you can bet I won't waist no time getting to where ever they send us and I +hope its Cologne. So in the mean wile don't take no wood nickles and don't +get impatient but be a good girlie and save up your loving for me. Tres +beaucoup from + +Your Sammy Boy, JACK KEEFE. + +That's what I wrote her Al and I bet she can't hardly wait to hear if I'm +comeing or not but I don't suppose they's any chance of them sending us +there and a specially if they find out that anybody wants to go there but +maybe she can fix it to meet me somewheres else and any ways they won't be +no lifes lost if I never see her and maybe it would be better that way. But +a man has got to write letters or do something to keep your mind off what +happened to them poor birds that went in the patrol and a specially when I +come so near being 1 of them. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_In the Trenchs, May 18._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al if I am still alive yet its not because I laid back and +didn't take no chances and I wished some of the baseball boys that use to +call me yellow when I was in there pitching had of seen me last night and +I guess they would of sang a different song only in the 1st. place I was +where they couldn't nobody see me and secondly they would of been so scared +they would of choked to death if they tried to talk let alone sing. But +wait till you hear about it. + +Well yesterday P. M. Sargent Crane asked me how I liked life in the trenchs +and I said O. K. only I got tired on acct. of they not being no excitement +or nothing to do and he says oh they's plenty to do and I could go out and +help the boys fix up the bob wire in front of the trenchs like we done +back in the training camp. So I said I didn't see how they could be any +fixing needed as they hadn't nothing happened on this section since the +war started you might say and the birds that was here before us had plenty +of time to fix it if it needed fixing. So he says "Well any ways they's +no excitement to fixing the wire but if you was looking for excitement +why didn't you go with that patrol the other night?" So I said "Because I +didn't see no sence to trying to find out who was in the other trenchs when +we know they are Germans and that's all we need to know. Wait till they's a +real job and you won't see me hideing behind nobody." So he says "I've got +a real job for you tonight and you can go along with Ted Phillips to the +listening post." + +Well Al a listening post is what they call a little place they got dug out +way over near the German trenchs and its so close you can hear them talk +sometimes and you are supposed to hear if they are getting ready to pull +something and report back here so as they won't catch us asleep. Well I was +wild to go just for something to do but I been haveing trouble with my ears +lately probably on acct. of the noise from so much shell fire or something +but any ways I have thought a couple times that I was getting a little deef +so I thought I better tell him the truth so I said "I would be tickled to +death to go only I don't know if I ought to or not because I don't hear +very good even in English and of course Jerry would be telling their plans +in German and suppose I didn't catch on to it and I would feel like a +murder if they started a big drive and I hadn't gave my pals no warning." +So he says "Don't worry about that as Phillips has got good ears and +understands German and he has been there before only in a job like that a +man wants company and you are going along for company." + +Well before we snuck out there Sargent Crane called us to 1 side and says +"You boys is takeing a big chance and Phillips knows what to do but you +want to remember Keefe to keep quite and not make no noise or talk to each +other because if Jerry finds out you are there we probably won't see you +again." + +Well Al it finely come time for us to go and we went and if anybody asks +you how to spend a pleasant evening don't steer them up against a listening +post with a crazy man. Well I suppose you think its pretty quite there +at home nights and I use to think so to but believe me Al, Bedford at 2 +o'clock in the A. M. is a bowling alley along the side of 1 of these here +listening posts. It may sound funny but I would of gave a month's pay if +somebody would of shot off a fire cracker or anything to make a noise. +There was the bosh trench about 20 yds. from us but not a sound out of +them and a man couldn't help from thinking what if they had of heard us +out there and they was getting ready to snoop up on us and that's why they +was keeping so still and it got so as I could feel 1 of their bayonets +burrowing into me and I am no quitter Al when it comes to fighting somebody +you can see but when you have got a idear that somebody is cralling up on +you and you haven't no chance to fight back I would like to see the bird +that could enjoy themself and besides suppose my ears had went back on me +worse then I thought and the Dutchmens was realy makeing a he--ll of a +racket but I couldn't hear them and maybe they was getting ready to come +over the top and I wouldn't know the differents and all of a sudden they +would lay a garage and dash out behind it and if they didn't kill us we +would be up in front of the court's marshal for not warning our pals. + +Well as I say I would of gave anything for some one to of fired off a gun +or made some noise of some kind but when this here Phillips finely opened +up his clam and spoke I would of jumped a mile if they had of been any room +to jump anywheres. Well the sargent had told us not to say nothing but all +of a sudden right out loud this bird says this is a he--ll of a war. Well +I motioned back at him to shut up but of course he couldn't see me and he +thought I hadn't heard what he said so he said it over again so then I +thought maybe he hadn't heard the sargent's orders so I whispered to him +that he wasn't supposed to talk. Well Al they wasn't no way of keeping +him quite and he says "That's all bunk because I been out here before and +talked my head off and nothing happened." So I says well if you have got +to talk you don't half to yell it. So then he tried to whisper Al but his +whisper sounded like a jazz record with a crack in it so he says I'm not +yelling I am whispering so I said yes I have heard Hughey Jennings whisper +like that out on the lines. + +So he shut up for a wile but pretty soon he busted out again and this +time he was louder then ever and he asked me could I sing and I said no I +couldn't so then he says well you can holler can't you so I said I suppose +I could so he says "Well I know how we could play a big joke on them square +heads. Lets the both of us begin yelling like a Indian and they will hear +us and they will think they's a whole crowd of us here and they will begin +bombing us or something and think they are going to kill a whole crowd +of Americans but it will only be us 2 and we can give them the laugh for +waisting their ammunitions." + +Well Al I seen then that I was parked there with a crazy man and for a wile +I didn't say nothing because I was scared that I might say something that +would encourage him some way so I just shut up and finely he says what is +the matter ain't you going to join me? So I said I will join you in the jaw +in a minute if you don't shut your mouth and then he quited down a little, +but every few minutes he would have another swell idear and once he asked +me could I imitate animals and I said no so he says he could mew like a cow +and he had heard the boshs was so hard up for food and they would rush out +here thinking they was going to find a cow but it wouldn't be no cow but it +would be a horse on them. + +Well you can imagine what I went through out there with a bird like that +and I thought more then once I would catch it from him and go nuts myself +but I managed to keep a hold of myself and the happiest minute of my life +was when it was time for us to crall back in our dug outs but at that I +can't remember how we got back here. + +This A. M. Sargent Crane asked me what kind of a time did we have and I +told him and I told him this here Phillips was squirrel meat and he says +Phillips is just as sane as anybody usualy only everybody that went out on +the listening post was effected that way by the quite and its a wonder I +didn't go nuts to. + +Well its a wonder I didn't Al and its a good thing I kept my head and kept +him from playing 1 of those tricks as god knows what would of happened and +the entire regt. might of been wipped out. But I hope they don't wish no +more listening post on me but if they do you can bet I will pick my own +pardner and it won't be no nut and no matter what Sargent Crane says if +this here Phillips is sane we're stopping at Palm Beach. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_In the Trenchs, May 19._ + +FRIEND AL: Well old pal don't say nothing about this not even to Bertha +what I am going to tell you about as some people might not understand and +a specially a woman and might maybe think I wasn't acting right towards +Florrie or something though when a man is married to a woman that he has +been in France pretty near 4 mos. and she has wrote him 3 letters I don't +see where she would have a sqawk comeing at whatever I done but of course I +am not going to do nothing that I wouldn't just as leave tell her about it +only I want to tell her myself and when I get a good ready. + +Well I guess I told you we was only supposed to stay here in the front line +10 days and then they will somebody come and releive us and take our place +and then we go to the rest billets somewheres and lay around till its our +turn to come up here again. Well Al we been in the front line now eight +days and that means we won't only be here 2 days more so probably we will +get out of here the day after tomorrow night. Well up to today we didn't +have no idear where we was going to get sent as they's several places where +the boys can go on leave like Aix le Bains and Nice and etc. and we didn't +know which 1 it would be. So today we was talking about it and I said I +wished I knew for sure and Jack Brady stands pretty good with 1 of the +lieuts. so he says he would ask him right out. So he went and asked him and +the lieut. told him Cologne. + +Well Al I hadn't no sooner found out when 1 of the boys hands me a letter +that just come and it was a letter from this baby doll that I told you +about that's in Cologne and I will coppy down the letter so you can see for +yourself what she says and here it is Al: + +_Dear Sammy Boy_: + +I was tres beaucoup to get your letter and will sure be glad to see you and +can hardly wait till you get here. Don't let them send you anywhere else +as Cologne is the prettiest town in France and the liveliest and we will +sure have some time going to shows etc. and I hope you bring along beaucoup +francs. Well I haven't time to write you much of a letter as I have got to +spend the afternoon at the dressmaker's. You see I am getting all dolled +up for my Sammy Boy. But be sure and let me know when you are going to get +here and when you reach Cologne jump right in a Noir et Blanc taxi and come +up to the house. You know the number so come along Sammy and make it toot +sweet. + +Yours with tres beaucoup, + +MARIE. + +So that's her letter Al and it looks like I was going to be in right in +old O. D. Cologne and it sure does look like fate was takeing a hand in +the game when things breaks this way and when I wrote to this gal the +first time I didn't have no idear of ever seeing her but the way things is +turning out it almost seems like we was meant to meet each other. Well Al +I only hope she has got some sence and won't get to likeing me to well or +of course all bets is off but if we can just be good pals and go around to +shows etc. together I don't see where I will be doing anything out of the +way. Only as I say don't say nothing about it to Bertha or nobody else as +people is libel to not understand and I guess most of them women back in +the U. S. thinks that when a man has been up at the front as long as we +have and then when he gets a few days leave he ought to take a running hop +step and jump to the nearest phonograph and put on a Rodeheaver record. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_In the Trenchs, May 20._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al just a line and it will probably be the last time I will +write you from the trenchs for a wile as our time is up tomorrow night and +the next time I write you it will probably be from Cologne and I will tell +you what kind of a time they show us there and all about it. I just got +through writeing a note to the little gal there telling her I would get +there as soon as possible but I couldn't tell her when that would be as I +don't know how far it is or how we get there but Brady said he thought it +was about 180 miles so I suppose they will make us walk. + +Well talk about a quite section and they hasn't even been a gun went off +all day or no areoplanes or nothing and here we thought we was going to see +a whole lot of excitement and we haven't fired a shot or throwed a grenade +or even saw a German all the wile we was here and we are just like when +we come only for those poor birds that went on that wild goose chase and +didn't come back and they's been some talk about sending another patrol +over to get revenge for those poor boys but I guess they won't nothing come +of it. It would be like sending good money after bad is the way I look +at it. + +Several of the boys has been calling me Sammy Boy today and I signed my +name that way in 1 of the notes I wrote that little gal and I suppose who +ever censored it told some of the boys about it and now they are trying to +kid me. Well Al I don't see where a censor has got any license to spill +stuff like that but they's no harm done and they can laugh at me all they +want to wile we are here as I will be the 1 that does the laughing when we +get to Cologne. And I guess a whole lot of them will wish they was this +same Sammy Boy when they see me paradeing up and down the blvd. with the +bell of the ball. O you sweet Marie. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_In the Trenchs, May 22._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al its all off and we are here yet and what is more we +are libel to be here till the duration of the war if we don't get killed +and believe me I would welcome death rather then stay in this he--ll hole +another 10 days and from now on I am going to take all the chances they is +to take and the sooner they finish me I will be glad of it and it looks +like it might come tonight Al as I have volunteered to go along with the +patrol that's going over and try and get even for what they done to our +pals. + +Well old pal it was understood when we come up here that we would be here +10 days and yesterday was the 10th day we was here. Well I happened to say +something yesterday to Sargent Crane about what time was we going and he +says where to and I said I thought our time was up and we was going to get +releived. So he says "Who is going to releive us and what and the he--ll do +you want to be releived of?" So I said I understood they didn't only keep a +regt. in the front line 10 days and then took them out and sent them to a +rest billet somewheres. So he says what do you call this but a rest billet? +So then I asked him how long we had to stay here and he said "Well it may +be a day or it may be all summer. But if we get ordered out in a hurry it +won't be to go to no rest billet but it will be to go up to where they are +fighting the war." + +So I made the remark that I wished somebody had of tipped me off as I had +fixed up a kind of a date thinking we would be through here in 10 days. So +he asked me where my date was at and I said Cologne. So then he kind of +smiled and said "O and when was you planing to start?" So I said "I was +figureing on starting tonight." So he waited a minute and then he said +"Well I don't know if I can fix it for you tonight or tomorrow night, but +they's some of the boys going to start in that direction one of them times +and I guess you can go along." + +Well Al I suppose Alcock and Brady and them has been playing another 1 of +their gags on me and I hope they enjoyed it and as far as I am conserned +they's no harm done. Cologne Al is way back of the German lines and when +Sargent Crane said they was some of the boys starting in that direction he +meant this here patrol. So I'm in on it Al and they didn't go last night +but tonight's the big night. And some of the boys is calling me Sammy Boy +and trying to make a monkey out of me but the smart Alex that's doing it +isn't none of them going along on this raid and that's just what a man +would expect from them. Because they's a few of us Al that come across +the old puddle to fight and the rest of them thinks they are at the Young +Peoples picnic. + +Your pal, JACK. + + + + +CHAPTER VI + +SIMPLE SIMON + + +_In the Trenchs, May 29._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al we have been haveing a lot of fun with a bird name Jack +Simon only the boys calls him Simple Simon and if you seen him you wouldn't +ask why because you would know why as soon as you seen him without asking +why as he keeps his mouth open all the wile so as he will be ready to +swallow whatever you tell him as you can tell him anything and he eats it +up. So the boys has been stuffing him full of storys of all kinds and he +eats them all up and you could tell him the reason they had the bob wire +out in front was to scratch yourself on it when the cuties was useing you +for a race track and he would eat it up. + +Well when we come in here and took over this section this bird was sick and +I don't know what ailed him only it couldn't of been brain fever but any +way he didn't join us in here till the day before yesterday but ever since +he joined us the boys has been stuffing him full and enjoying themself at +his expenses. Well the 1st. thing he asked me was if we had saw any actions +since we been here and I told him about a raid we was on the other night +before he come and we layed down a garage and then snuck over to the German +trenchs and jumped into them trying to get a hold of some prisoners but +we couldn't find head or tale of no Germans where our bunch jumped in as +they had ducked and hid somewheres when they found out we was comeing. So +he says he wished he could of been along as he might of picked up some +souvenirs over in their trenchs. + +That's 1 of his bugs Al is getting souvenirs as he is 1 of these here +souvenir hounds that it don't make no differents to him who wins the war as +long as he can get a ship load of junk to carry it back home and show it +off. So I told Johnny Alcock and some of the other boys about Simon wishing +he could of got some souvenirs so they framed up on him and begin selling +him junk that they told him they had picked it up over in the German +trenchs and Alcock blowed some cigarette smoke in a bottle and corked it up +and told him it was German tear gas and Simon give him 8 franks for it and +Jack Brady showed him a couple of laths tied together with a peace of wire +and told him it was a part of the areoplane that belonged to Guy Meyer the +French ace that brought down so many Dutchmans before they finely got him +and Brady said he hated to part with it as he had took it off a German +prisoner that he brought in but if Simon thought it was worth 20 franks he +could have it. So Simon bought it of him and wanted to know all about how +Brady come to get the prisoner and of course Brady had to make it up as we +haven't saw a German let alone take them a prisoner since we was back in +the training arears and wouldn't know they was any only for their artillery +and throwing up rockets at night and snipping at a man every time you go +out on a wire party or something. + +But any way Simon eats it up whatever you pull on him and some times I +feel sorry for him and feel like tipping him off but the boys fun would +be spoiled and believe me they need some kind of sport up here or pretty +soon we would all be worse off then Simon and we would be running around +fomenting at the mouth. + +Well Al I wished you would write once in a wile if its only a line as a +man likes to get mail once in a wile and I haven't heard from Florrie +for pretty near a month and then all as she said was that the reason she +hadn't wrote was because she wasn't feeling the best and I suppose she got +something in her eye but anything for an excuse to not write and you would +think I had stepped outdoors to wash the windows instead of being away from +her since last December. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_In the Trenchs, June 4._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al nothing doing as usual only patching things up once in a +wile and it would be as safe here as picking your teeth if our artillery +had a few brains as the Germans wouldn't never pay no tension to us if our +batterys would lay off them but we don't no sooner get a quite spell when +our guns cuts loose and remind Fritz that they's a war and then of course +the Dutchmens has got to pay for their board some way and they raise he--ll +for a wile and make everybody cross but as far as I can see they don't +nobody never get killed on 1 side or the other side but of course the +shells mess things up and keeps the boys busy makeing repairs where if our +artillery would keep their mouth shut why so would theirs and the boys +wouldn't never half to leave their dice game only for chow. + +But from all as we hear I guess they's no dice game going on up on some of +the other sections but they's another kind of a game going on up there and +so far the Dutchmens has got all the best of it but some of the boys says +wait till the Allys gets ready to strike back and they will make them look +like a sucker and the best way to do is wait till the other side has wore +themself out before you go back at them. Well I told them I have had a lot +of experience in big league baseball where they's stragety the same like in +war but I never heard none of the big league managers tell their boys to +not try and score till the other side had all the runs they was going to +get and further and more it looked to me like when the Germans did get wore +out they could rest up again in the best hotel in Paris. So Johnny Alcock +says oh they won't never get inside of Paris because the military police +will stop them at the city limits and ask them for their pass and then +where would they be? So I says tell that to Simple Simon and he shut up. + +Speaking about Simple Simon what do you think they have got him believeing +now. Well they told him Capt. Seeley had sent a patrol over the other +night to find out what ailed the Germans that they never showed themself +or started nothing against us and the patrol found out that Van Hindenburg +had took all the men out of the section opp. us and sent them up to the war +and left the trenchs opp. us empty so Simon asked him why we didn't go over +there and take them then and they told him because our trenchs was warmer +on acct. of being farther south. I suppose they will be telling him the +next thing that Capt. Seeley and Ludendorf married sisters and the 2 of +them has agreed to lay off each other. + +Well Al I am glad they have got somebody else to pick on besides me and of +course they can have a lot more fun with Simon as they's nothing to raw +that he won't eat it up wile in my case I was to smart for them and just +pretended like I fell for their gags as they would of been disappointed if +I hadn't of and as I say somebody has got to furnish amusement in a he--ll +hole like this or we would all be squirrel meat. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_In the Trenchs, June 7._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al here is a hot 1 that they pulled on this Simon bird +today and it was all as I could do to help from busting out laughing while +they was telling it to him. + +Well it seems like he must of been thinking that over what they told him +about they not being no Germans in the trenchs over opp. to where we are at +and it finely downed on him that if they wasn't nobody over there why who +was throwing up them flares and rockets every night. So today he said to +Brady he says "Didn't you birds tell me them trenchs over across the way +was empty?" So Brady says yes what of it. So Simon says "Well I notice +they's somebody over there at night times or else who throws up them flares +as they don't throw themselfs up." So Brady says they had probably left a +flare thrower over there to do that for them. But Simon says they must of +left a lot of flare throwers because the flares come from different places +along the line. + +So then Alcock cut in and says "Yes but you will notice they don't come +from different places at once and the bird that throws them gos from 1 +place to another so as we will think the trenchs is full of Germans." So +Simon says "They couldn't nobody go from 1 place to another place as fast +as them flares shoots up from different places." So Alcock says "No they +couldn't nobody do it if they walked but the man that throws them flares +don't walk because he hasn't got only 1 leg as his other leg was shot off +early in the war. But Van Hindenburg is so hard up for men that even if you +get a leg shot off as soon as the Dr. mops up the mess and sticks on the +court plaster they send the bird back in the war and put him on a job where +you don't half to walk. So they stuck this old guy in the motorcycle dept. +and now all as he does is ride up and down some quite section like this +here all night and stop every so often and throw up a flare to make us +think the place is dirty with Germans." + +Well Al Simon thought it over a wile and then asked Alcock how a man could +ride a motorcycle with only 1 leg and Alcock says "Why not because you +don't half to peddle a motorcycle as they run themself." So Simon says yes +but how about it when you want to get off? So Alcock says "What has a man's +legs got to do with him getting off of a motorcycle as long as you have got +your head to light on?" + +That is what they handed him Al and they hadn't hardly no sooner then got +through with that dose when Brady begun on the souvenirs. First he asked +him if he had got a hold of any new ones lately and Simon says no he hadn't +seen nobody that had any for sale and besides his jack was low so Brady +asked him how much did he have and he says about 4 franks. So Brady says +"Well you can't expect anybody to come across with anything first class for +no such chicken's food as that." So Simon says well even if he had a pocket +full of jack he couldn't buy nothing with it when they wasn't nothing to +buy. Then Brady asked him if he had saw the German speegle Ted Phillips had +picked up and Simon says no so Brady went and got Phillips and after a wile +he come back with him and Phillips said he had the speegle in his pocket +and he would show it to us if we promised to be carefull and not jar it out +of his hands wile he was showing it as he wouldn't have it broke for the +world. So Simon stood there with his eyes popping out and Phillips pulled +the speegle out of his pocket and it wasn't nothing only a dirty little +looking glass that you could pretty near crall through the cracks in it +and all the boys remarked what a odd little speegle it was and they hadn't +never saw 1 like it before and etc. and finely Simon couldn't keep his clam +shut no longer so he asked Phillips how much he would take for it. Well +Phillips says it wasn't for sale as speegles was scarce in Germany on acct. +of the war and that was why the Dutchmens always looked like a bum when +you took them a prisoner. So Simon asked him what price he would set on it +suppose he would sell it and Phillips says about 8 franks. Well Simon got +out all his jack and they wasn't only 4 franks and he showed it to Phillips +and said if he would take 10 franks for the speegle he would give him +4 franks down and the other 6 franks when he got hold of some jack so +Phillips hummed and hawed a wile and finely said all right Simon could have +it but he wouldn't never sell it to him only that it kept worring him so +much to carry it in his pocket for the fear he would loose it or break it. + +Well Al Phillips has got Simon's last 4 franks and Simon has got Phillips's +speegle and I suppose now that the boys sees how soft it is they will be +selling him stuff on credit and he will owe them his next months pay before +they get through with him and I suppose the next thing you know they will +keep their beard when they shave and sell it to him for German tobacco. +Well I would half to be pretty hard up before I went in on some skin game +like that and I would just as leave go up to 1 of them cripples that use to +spraddle all over the walk along 35 st. after the ball game and stick my +heel in their eye and romp off with their days receipts. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_In the Trenchs, June 11._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al it seems like Capt. Seeley is up on his ear because they +haven't took our regt. out of here yet because it seems Gen. Pershing told +Gen. Foch that he was to help himself to any part of the U. S. army and +throw them in where ever they was needed and they's been a bunch of the +boys throwed in along the other parts of the front to try and stop the +Germans and Capt. Seeley is raveing because they keep us here and don't +take us where we can get some actions. Any way 1 of the lieuts. told some +of the boys that if we didn't get took out of here pretty quick Capt. +Seeley would start a war of our own on this section and all the officers +was sore because we hadn't done nothing or took no prisoners or nothing you +might say only make repairs in the wire and etc. Well Al how in the he--ll +can we show them anything when they don't never send us over the top or +nowheres else but just leave us here moldering you might say but at that I +guess we have showed as much life as the birds that's over there opp. us in +them other trenchs that hasn't hardly peeped since we come in here and the +boys says they are a Saxon regt. that comes from part of Germany where the +Kaiser is thought of the same as a gum boil so the Saxons feels kind of +friendly towards us and they will leave us alone as long as we leave them +alone and visa and versa. So I don't see where Capt. Seeley and them other +officers has got a right to pan us for not showing nothing but I don't +blame them for wishing they would take us out of here and show us the war +and from all as we hear they's plenty of places where we could do some good +or at lease as much good as the birds that has been there. + +Well Al they have been stringing poor Simon along and today they give him +a song and dance about some bird name Joe in the regt. that was here ahead +of us that got a collection of souvenirs that makes Simon's look rotten and +they said the guy's pals called him Souvenir Joe on acct. of him haveing +such a fine collection. So Brady says to Simon "All you have got is 5 or +6 articles and the next thing you know they will be takeing us out of here +and you might maybe never get another chance to pick up any more rare +articles so if I was you I would either get busy and get a real collection +or throw away them things you have got and forget it." + +So Simon says "How can I get any more souvenirs when I haven't no more jack +to buy them and besides you birds haven't no more to sell." So Brady says +"Souvenir Joe didn't buy his collection but he went out and got them." So +Simon asked him where at and Brady told him this here Joe use to crall out +in Nobody's Land every night and pick up something and Simon says it was a +wonder he didn't get killed. So Brady says "How would he get killed as the +trenchs over across the way was just as empty when he was here as they are +now and Old 1 Legged Mike and his motorcycle was on the job then to, so Joe +would wait till Mike had throwed a few flares on this section and then he +would sneak out and get his souvenirs before Mike come back again on his +rounds." + +Well then Simon asked him where the souvenirs was out there and Brady says +they was in the different shell holes because most of Joe's souvenirs was +the insides of German shells that had exploded and they was the best kind +of souvenirs as they wasn't no chance of them being a fake. + +Well Al I had a notion to take Simon to 1 side and tell him to not pay no +tension to these smart alex because the poor crum might go snooping out +there some night after the insides of a shell and get the outsides and +all and if something like that happened to him I would feel like a murder +though I haven't never took no part in makeing a monkey out of him, but I +thought well if the poor cheese don't know no more then that he is better +off dead let him go. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_In the Trenchs, June 13._ + +FRIEND AL: Just a line Al as I am to excited to write much but I knew you +would want to know the big news. Well Al I have got a daughter born the +18 of May. How is that for a supprise Al but I guess you won't be no more +supprised than I was when the news come as Florrie hadn't gave me no hint +and a man can't guess a thing like that when you are in France and the lady +in question is back in old Chi. But it sure is wonderfull news Al and I +only wished I was somewheres where I could celebrate it right but you can't +even whistle here or somebody would crown you with a shovle. + +Well Al the news come today in a letter from Florrie's sister Marie Allen +and she has been down in Texas but I suppose Florrie got her to come up +and stay with her though as far as I can sec its bad enough to have a baby +without haveing that bird in the house to, but they's I consolation we +haven't got rm. in the apt. for more than 2 kids and 3 grown ups so when +I get home if sweet Marie is still there yet we will either half to get +rid of the Swede cook or she, and when it comes to a choice between a ski +jumper that will work and a sister that won't why Florrie won't be bothered +with no family ties. + +Any way I haven't no time to worry about no Allen family now as I am +feeling to good and all as I wish is that somebody wins this war dam toot +sweet so as I can get home and see this little chick Al and I bet she is as +pretty as a picture and she couldn't be nothing else you might say and I +have wrote to Florrie to not name her or nothing till I have my say as you +turn a woman loose on nameing somebody all alone and they go nuts and look +through a seed catalog. + +Well old pal I know you would congratulate me if you was here and I am only +sorry I can't return the complement and if I was you and Bertha I would +adopt 1 of these here Belgium orphans that's lost their parents as they's +nothing like it Al haveing a kid or 2 in the house and I bet little Al is +tickled to death with his little sister. + +Well Al I have told all the boys about it and they have been haveing a lot +of fun with me but any way they call me Papa now which is a he--ll of a lot +better then Sammy Boy. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_In the Trenchs, June 14._ + +FRIEND AL: I am all most to nervous to write Al but anything is better then +setting around thinking and besides I want you to know what has came off so +as you will know what come off in the case something happens. + +Well Al Simple Simon's gone. We don't know if he's dead or alive or what +the he--ll and all as we know is that he was here last night and he ain't +here today and they hasn't nobody seen or heard of him. + +Of course Al that isn't all we know neither as we can just about guess what +happened. But I have gave my word to not spill nothing about what the boys +pulled on him or god knows what Capt. Seeley would do to them. + +Well Al I got up this A. M. feeling fine as I had slept better then any +time for a wk. and I dreamt about the little gal back home that ain't never +seen her daddy or don't know if she's got 1 or not but in my dream she +knowed me O. K. as I dreamt I had just got home and Florrie wasn't there +to meet me as usual but I rung the bell and the ski jumper let me in and I +asked her where Florrie was and she said she had went out somewheres with +little Al so I was going out and look for them but the Swede says the baby +is here if you want to see her and I asked her what baby and she says why +your new little baby girl. + +So then I heard a baby crying somewheres in the house and I went in the +bed rm. and this little mite jumped right up out of bed and all of a sudden +she was 3 yrs. old instead of a mo. and she come running to me and hollered +daddy. So then I grabbed her up and we begin danceing around but all of a +sudden it was I and Florrie that was danceing together and little Al and +the little gal was danceing around us and then I woke up Al and found I +was still in this he--ll hole but the dream was so happy that I was still +feeling good over it yet and besides it looked like the sun had forgot it +was in France and was going to shine for a while. + +Well pretty soon along come Corp. Evans and called me to 1 side and asked +me what I knew about Simon. So I says what about him. So Corp. Evans says +he is missing and they hasn't nobody saw him since last night. So I says I +didn't know nothing about him but if anything had happened to him they was +a lot of birds in this Co. that ought to pay for it. So Corp. Evans asked +me what was I driveing at and I started in to tell him about Alcock and +Brady and them kidding this poor bird to death and Corp. Evans says yes he +knew all about that and the best thing to do was to shut up about it as it +would get everybody in bad. He says "Wait a couple days any way and maybe +he will show up O. K. and then they won't be no sence in spilling all this +stuff." So I says all right I would wait a couple days but these birds +ought to get theirs if something serious has happened and if he don't show +up by that time I won't make no promise to spill all I know. So Corp. Evans +says I didn't half to make no promise as he would spill the beans himself +if Simon isn't O. K. + +Well Al of course all the boys had heard the news by the time I got to talk +to them and they's 2 or 3 of them that feels pretty sick over it and no +wonder and the bird that feels the sickest is Alcock and here is why. Well +it seems like yesterday while I was telling all the boys about the news +from home Simon was giveing Alcock a ear full of that junk Brady had been +slipping him about Souvenir Joe and Simon asked Alcock if he thought they +was still any of them souvenirs worth going after out in them shell holes. +So Alcock says of course they must be as some of the holes was made new +since we been here. But Alcock told him that if he was him he wouldn't +waist no time collecting the insides of German shells as the Germans was +so hard up for mettle and etc. now days that the shells they was sending +over was about 1/2 full of cheese and stuff that wouldn't keep. So Alcock +says to him "What you ought to go after is a Saxon because you can bet +that Souvenir Joe didn't get none and if you would get 1 all the boys would +begin calling you Souvenir Simon instead of Simple Simon and you would make +Souvenir Joe look like a dud." + +Well Al Simon didn't know a Saxon from a hang nail so he asked Alcock what +they looked like and Alcock told him to never mind as he couldn't help from +knowing 1 if he ever seen it so then Simon asked him where they was libel +to be and Alcock told him probably over in some of the shell holes near the +German trench. + +That's what come off yesterday wile I was busy telling everybody about the +little gal as you can bet I would of put Simon wise had I of been in on it +and now Al he's gone and they don't nobody know what's became of him but +they's a lot of us that's got a pretty good idear and as I say they's 2 or +3 feels pretty sick and one a specially. But I guess at that they don't no +one feel no worse then me though they can't nobody say I am to blame for +what's happened but still in all I might of interfered because I am the +only 1 of them that has got a heart Al and the only reason Alcock and Brady +is so sick now is that they are scared to death of what will happen to them +if they get found out. Because their smartness won't get them nothing up in +front of the Court Marshall as he has seen to many birds just like them. + +Well Al I am on post duty tonight and maybe you don't know what that means. +Well old pal its no Elks carnivle at no time and just think what it will be +tonight with your ears straining for a cry from out there. And if the cry +comes Al they won't only be the 1 thing to do and I will be the 1 to do it. + +So this may be the last time you will hear from me old pal and I wanted you +to know in the case anything come off just how it happened as I won't be +here to write it to you afterwards. + +All as I can think about now Al is 2 things and 1 of them is that little +gal back home that won't never see her daddy but maybe when she gets 4 or +5 yrs. old she will ask her mother "Why haven't I got a daddy like other +little girls?" But maybe she will have 1 by that time Al. But what I am +thinking about the most is that poor 1/2 wit out there and as Brady says he +isn't nothing but a Mormon any way and ought never to of got in the army +but still and all he is a man and its our duty to fight and die for him if +needs to be. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_In the Hospital, July 20._ + +FRIEND AL: You will half to excuse this writeing as I am proped up in a +funny position in bed and its all as I can do to keep the paper steady as +my left arm ain't no more use then the Russian front. + +Well Al yesterday was the 1st. time they left me set up and I wrote a +letter to Florrie and told her I was getting along O. K. as I didn't want +she should worry and this time I will try and write to you. I suppose you +got the note that the little nurse wrote for me about 2 wks. ago and told +you I was getting better. Well old pal the gal that wrote you that little +note is some baby and if you could see the kid that wrote you that little +note you would wished you was laying here in my place. No I guess you +wouldn't wished that Al as they's nobody that would want to go through what +I have been through and they's very few that could stand it like I have and +keep on smileing. + +Well old pal they thought for a wile that it was Feeney for yrs. truly as +they say over here and believe me I was in such pain that I would of been +glad to die to get rid of the pain and the Dr. said it was a good thing I +was such a game bird and had such a physic or I couldn't of never stood it. +But I am not strong enough yet to set this way very long so if I am going +to tell you what happened I had better start in. + +Well Al this is the 20 of July and that means I have been in here 5 wks. +as it was the 14 of June when all this come off. Well Al I can remember +writeing to you the day of the night it come off and I guess I told you +about this bird Simon getting lost that was always after the souvenirs and +some of the boys told him they wasn't no Germans over in the other trenchs +but just a bird name Motorcycle Mike that went up and down the section +throwing flares so as we would think they was Germans over there. So they +told him if he wanted to go out in Nobody's Land and spear souvenirs it was +safe if you went just after Mike had made his rounds so as the snippers +wouldn't get you. + +Well old pal I was standing there looking out over Nobody's Land that night +and I couldn't think of nothing only poor Simon and listening to hear if I +couldn't maybe hear him call from somewheres out there and I don't know how +long I had been standing there when I heard a kind of a noise like somebody +scrunching and at the same time they was a flare throwed up from our side +and I seen a figure out there cralling on the ground quite a ways beyond +our wire. Well Al I didn't wait to look twice but I called Corp. Evans and +told him. So he says who did I think it was and I said it must be Simon. So +he says "Well Keefe its up to 1 of us to go get him." So I said "Well Corp. +I guess its my job." So he says "All right Keefe if you feel that way about +it." So I says all right and I'll say Al that he give up his claims without +a struggle. + +Well I started and I was going without my riffle but the Corp. stopped me +and says take it along and I says "What for, do you think I am going to +pick Simon up with a bayonet." So he says who told me it was Simon out +there. Well Al that's the 1st. time I stopped to think it might maybe be +somebody else. + +Well Florrie use to say that I couldn't get up in the night for a drink of +water without everybody in the bldg. thinking the world serious must of +started but I bet I didn't knock over no chairs on this trip. Well Al it +took me long enough to get out there as you can bet I wasn't trying for no +record and every time they was a noise I had to lay flat and not buge. But +I got there Al to where I thought I had saw this bird moveing around but +they hadn't no rockets went up since I started and it was like a troop ship +and I couldn't make out no figure of a man or nothing else and I was just +going to whisper Simon's name when I reached out my hand and touched him. +Well Al it wasn't Simon. + +Well old pal we had some battle this bird and me and the both of us forgot +bayonets and guns and everything else. I would of killed him sure only he +got a hold of my left hand between his teeth and I couldn't pry it loose. +But believe me Al he took a awful beating with my free hand and I will half +to hand it to him for a game bird only what chance did he have? None Al and +the battle couldn't only end the 1 way and I was just getting ready to grab +his wind pipe and shut off the meter when he left go of my other hand and +let out a yell that you could hear all over the great lakes and then all +of a sudden it seemed like everybody was takeing a flash light and then the +bullets come whizzing from all sides it seemed like and they got me 3 times +Al and never pinked this other bird once. Well Al it wasn't till 2 wks. ago +that I found out that my opponent was Johnny Alcock. + +Just 2 wks. ago yesterday Johnny come in and seen me and told me the whole +story and it was the 1st. day they left me see anybody only the Dr. and the +little nurse and was the 1st. day Johnny was able to be up and around. How +is that Al to put a man in the hospital for 3 wks. without useing no gun or +knife or nothing on him only 1 bear fist. Some fist eh Al. + +Well it seems like he had been worring so about Simon that he finely went +out there snooping around all by himself looking for him and he was the 1 I +seen when that flare went up and of course we each thought the other 1 was +a German and finely it was him yelling and the rockets going up at the same +time that drawed the fire and I got all of it because I was the bird on +top. + +But listen Al till you hear the funny part of it. Simple Simon the bird +that we was both out there looking for him showed up in our trench about a +1/2 hr. after we was brought in and he showed up with a Saxon all right but +the Saxon was dead. Well Al Simon told them that he had ran into this guy +over near their wire and that he was alive when he got him, but Alcock says +that Brady said Simon hadn't only been gone 24 hrs. and the Saxon had been +gone a he--ll of a lot longer than that. + +Well they's no hard feeling between Alcock and I and I guess I more then +got even with him for eating out of my hand as they say but Johnny said it +was a shame I couldn't of used some of my strength on a German instead of +him but any way its all over now and the Dr. says my leg is pretty near O. +K. and I can walk on it in a couple wks. but my left arm won't be no use +for god knows how long and maybe never and I guess I'm lucky they didn't +half to clip it off. So I don't know when I will get out of here or where I +will go from here but I guess they's 1 little party that ain't in no hurry +to see me go and I wished you could see her look at me Al and you would say +its to bad I am a married man with 2 kids. + +Your pal, JACK. + +[Illustration: And I wished you could see her look at me, Al] + + * * * * * + +_Somwheres in France, Aug. 16._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al I don't suppose this will reach you any sooner then if I +took it with me and mailed it when I get home but I haven't nothing to do +for a few hrs. so I might as well be writeing you the news. + +Well old pal I am homewards bound as they say as the war is Feeney as far +as I am conserned and I am sailing tonight along with a lot of the other +boys that's being sent home for good and when I look at some of the rest of +them I guess I am lucky to be in as good a shape as I am. I am O. K. only +for my arm and wile it won't never be as good as it was I can probably get +to use it pretty good in a few months and all as I can say is thank god it +is my left arm and not the old souper that use to stand Cobb and them on +their head and it will stand them on their head again Al as soon as this +war is over and I guess I won't half to go begging to Comiskey to give me +another chance after what I have done as even if I couldn't pitch up a +alley I would be a money maker for them just setting on the bench and +showing myself after this. + +Well we are saying good by to old France and I don't know how the rest +of the boys feels but I am not haveing no trouble controling myself and +when it comes down to cases Al the shoe is on the other ft. and what I am +getting at is that France ought to be the 1 that hates to see us leave as I +doubt if they will ever get a bunch of spenders like us over here again. + +Well Al it certainly seems quite down here in this old sea port town after +what we have been through and it seems like I can still hear them big guns +roar and them riffles crack and etc. and I feel like I ought to keep my +head down all the wile and keep out of the snippers way and I could all +most shut my eyes and imagine I was back there again in that he--ll hole +but I know I'm not Al as I don't itch. + +Well Al my wounds isn't the only reason I am comeing home but they's +another reason and that is that they want some of us poplar idles to help +rouse up the public on this here next Liberty Loan and I don't mind it as +they have promised to send me home to Chi and I can be with Florrie and +the kids. I will do what I can Al though I can't figure where the public +would need any rouseing up and they certainly wouldn't if they had of been +through what I have been through and maybe some of the other boys to. It +takes jack to run a war Al even if us boys don't get none of it or what we +do get they either send it home to our wife or take it away from us in a +crap game. + +Well old pal I left the hospital the day before yesterday and that was the +only time I felt like crying since they told me I was going home and it +wasn't so much for myself Al but that poor little nurse and you would of +felt like crying to if you could of seen the look she give me. Her name is +Charlotte Warren and she lives in Minneapolis and expects to go right back +there after she is through over here but that don't do me no good as a +married man with a couple children has got something better to do besides +flirting with a pretty little nurse and besides I won't never pitch ball in +Minneapolis as I expect to quit the game when I am about 40. + +Well Al some of the boys wants to say their farewells to the Vin Rouge and +the la la las and I will half to close and I will write again as soon as I +get home and tell you what the baby gal looks like though they's only the 1 +way she could look and that's good. + +Well here is good by to France and good luck to all the boys that's going +to stay over here and Simple Simon with the rest of them and I suppose I +ought to of got a few souvenirs off him to bring home with me. But I guess +at that I will be carrying a souvenir of this war for a long wile Al and +its better than any of them foney ones he has got as the 1 I have got shows +I was realy in it and done my bit for old Glory and the U. S. A. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Chicago, Aug. 29._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al here I am back in old Chi and feeling pretty good only +for my arm and my left leg is still stiff yet and I caught a mean cold +comeing across the old pond but what is a few little things like that as +the main thing is being home. + +Well old pal they wasn't nothing happened on the trip across the old pond +only it took a whole lot to long and believe me old N. Y. looked good but +believe me I wouldn't waist no time in N. Y. only long enough to climb +outside a big steak and the waiter had to cut it up for me but even the +waiters treated us fine and everywheres we showed up the people was wild +about us and cheered and clapped and it sounded like old times when I use +to walk out there to warm up. + +Well we hit N. Y. in the A. M. and left that night and got here last eve. +and I didn't leave Florrie know just when I was comeing as I wanted to +supprise her. Well Al I ought to of wired ahead and told her to go easy on +my poor old arm because when she opened the door and seen me she give a +running hop step and jump and dam near killed me. So then she seen my arm +in a sling and cried and cried and she says "Oh my poor boy what have you +been through." So I says "Well you have been through something yourself so +its 50 50 only I got this from a German." + +Well Al little Al was the cutest thing you ever seen and he grabbed me by +the good hand and rushed me in to where the little stranger was laying and +she was asleep but we broke the rules for once and all and all it was some +party and she is some little gal Al and pretty as a picture and when you +can say that for a 3 mos. old its going some as the most of them looks like +a French breakfast. + +Well I finely happened to think of Sister Marie and I asked where she was +at and Florrie says she went back to Texas so I says tough luck and Florrie +says I needn't get so gay the 1st. evening home and she says "Any way we +have still got a Marie in the house as that is what I call the baby." +So I says "Well you can think of her that way but her name ain't going +to be that as I don't like the name." So she says what name did I like +and I pretended like I was thinking a wile and finely I says what is the +matter with Charlotte. Well Al you will half to hand it to the women for +detectives as I hadn't no sooner said the name when she says "Oh no you +can't come home and name my baby after none of your French nurses." And I +hadn't told her nothing about a nurse. + +Well any way I says I had met a whole lot more Maries then Charlottes in +France and she says had I met any Florries and I said no and that was realy +the name I had picked out for the kid. So she says well she didn't like the +name herself but it was the only name I could pick out that she wouldn't be +suspicious of it so the little gal is named after her mother Al and if she +only grows up 1/2 as pretty as her old lady it won't make no differents if +she has got a funny name. + +Well Al have you noticed what direction the Dutchmens is makeing their +drive in now? They started going the other way the 18 of July and it was 2 +days ahead of that time that our regt. was moved over to the war and now +they are running them ragged. Well Al I wished I was there to help but even +if I was worth a dam to fight I couldn't very well leave home just now. + +Your pal, JACK. + + +THE END + + + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Real Dope, by Ring Lardner + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE REAL DOPE *** + +***** This file should be named 7405.txt or 7405.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/7/4/0/7405/ + +Produced by Eric Eldred, William Flis and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will +be renamed. + +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United +States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part +of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm +concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, +and may not be used if you charge for the eBooks, unless you receive +specific permission. If you do not charge anything for copies of this +eBook, complying with the rules is very easy. You may use this eBook +for nearly any purpose such as creation of derivative works, reports, +performances and research. They may be modified and printed and given +away--you may do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks +not protected by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the +trademark license, especially commercial redistribution. + +START: FULL LICENSE + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full +Project Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at +www.gutenberg.org/license. + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or +destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your +possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a +Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound +by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the +person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph +1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this +agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the +Foundation" or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection +of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual +works in the collection are in the public domain in the United +States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the +United States and you are located in the United States, we do not +claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, +displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as +all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope +that you will support the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting +free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm +works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the +Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with the work. You can easily +comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the +same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg-tm License when +you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are +in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, +check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this +agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, +distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any +other Project Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no +representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any +country outside the United States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other +immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear +prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work +on which the phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, +performed, viewed, copied or distributed: + + This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and + most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no + restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it + under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this + eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the + United States, you'll have to check the laws of the country where you + are located before using this ebook. + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is +derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not +contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the +copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in +the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are +redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply +either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or +obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg-tm +trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any +additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms +will be linked to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works +posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the +beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including +any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access +to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format +other than "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official +version posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site +(www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense +to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means +of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original "Plain +Vanilla ASCII" or other form. Any alternate format must include the +full Project Gutenberg-tm License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +provided that + +* You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed + to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he has + agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project + Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid + within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are + legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty + payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project + Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in + Section 4, "Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg + Literary Archive Foundation." + +* You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all + copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue + all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg-tm + works. + +* You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of + any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of + receipt of the work. + +* You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work or group of works on different terms than +are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing +from both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and The +Project Gutenberg Trademark LLC, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm +trademark. Contact the Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project +Gutenberg-tm collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may +contain "Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate +or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other +intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or +other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or +cannot be read by your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium +with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you +with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in +lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person +or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second +opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If +the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing +without further opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO +OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT +LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of +damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement +violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the +agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or +limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or +unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the +remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in +accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the +production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, +including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of +the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this +or any Project Gutenberg-tm work, (b) alteration, modification, or +additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any +Defect you cause. + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of +computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It +exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations +from people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future +generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see +Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at +www.gutenberg.org + + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by +U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is in Fairbanks, Alaska, with the +mailing address: PO Box 750175, Fairbanks, AK 99775, but its +volunteers and employees are scattered throughout numerous +locations. Its business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, Salt +Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up to +date contact information can be found at the Foundation's web site and +official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact + +For additional contact information: + + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND +DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular +state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To +donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project +Gutenberg-tm concept of a library of electronic works that could be +freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and +distributed Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of +volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in +the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not +necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper +edition. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search +facility: www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + diff --git a/7405.zip b/7405.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a1d5512 --- /dev/null +++ b/7405.zip diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..10e8a11 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #7405 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/7405) diff --git a/old/rldpe10.txt b/old/rldpe10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c83a781 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/rldpe10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4572 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Real Dope, by Ring Lardner + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: The Real Dope + +Author: Ring Lardner + +Release Date: February, 2005 [EBook #7405] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on April 24, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE REAL DOPE *** + + + + +Eric Eldred, William Flis and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + +[Illustration: Well, Al, just as this was coming off her old man come at +me] + + + THE REAL DOPE, + + By + + RING W. LARDNER + + AUTHOR OF + + GULLIBLE'S TRAVELS, MY FOUR WEEKS IN FRANCE, + TREAT 'EM ROUGH, ETC. + + ILLUSTRATED BY + + MAY WILSON PRESTON + + AND + + M. L. BLUMENTHAL + + + + + + +CHAPTER I + +AND MANY A STORMY WIND SHALL BLOW + + +_On the Ship Board, Jan. 15._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al I suppose it is kind of foolish to be writeing you a +letter now when they won't be no chance to mail it till we get across the +old pond but still and all a man has got to do something to keep themself +busy and I know you will be glad to hear all about our trip so I might as +well write you a letter when ever I get a chance and I can mail them to you +all at once when we get across the old pond and you will think I have wrote +a book or something. + +Jokeing a side Al you are lucky to have an old pal thats going to see all +the fun and write to you about it because its a different thing haveing +a person write to you about what they see themself then getting the dope +out of a newspaper or something because you will know that what I tell you +is the real dope that I seen myself where if you read it in a newspaper +you know its guest work because in the 1st. place they don't leave the +reporters get nowheres near the front and besides that they wouldn't go +there if they had a leave because they would be to scared like the baseball +reporters that sets a mile from the game because they haven't got the nerve +to get down on the field where a man could take a punch at them and even +when they are a mile away with a screen in front of them they duck when +somebody hits a pop foul. + +Well Al it is against the rules to tell you when we left the old U. S. or +where we come away from because the pro German spy might get a hold of a +man's letter some way and then it would be good night because he would send +a telegram to where the submarines is located at and they wouldn't send no +1 or 2 submarines after us but the whole German navy would get after us +because they would figure that if they ever got us it would be a rich hall. +When I say that Al I don't mean it to sound like I was swell headed or +something and I don't mean it would be a rich hall because I am on board or +nothing like that but you would know what I am getting at if you seen the +bunch we are takeing across. + +In the 1st. place Al this is a different kind of a trip then the time I +went around the world with the 2 ball clubs because then it was just the 1 +boat load and only for two or 3 of the boys on board it wouldn't of made no +difference if the boat had of turned a turtle only to pave the whole bottom +of the ocean with ivory. But this time Al we have got not only 1 boat load +but we got four boat loads of soldiers alone and that is not all we have +got. All together Al there is 10 boats in the parade and 6 of them is what +they call the convoys and that means war ships that goes along to see that +we get there safe on acct. of the submarines and four of them is what they +call destroyers and they are little bits of shafers but they say they can +go like he--ll when they get started and when a submarine pops up these +little birds chases right after them and drops a death bomb on to them and +if it ever hits them the capt. of the submarine can pick up what is left of +his boat and stick a 2 cent stamp on it and mail it to the kaiser. + +Jokeing a side I guess they's no chance of a submarine getting fat off +of us as long as these little birds is on watch so I don't see why a man +shouldn't come right out and say when we left and from where we come from +but if they didn't have some kind of rules they's a lot of guys that +wouldn't know no better then write to Van Hinburg or somebody and tell them +all they know but I guess at that they could use a post card. + +Well Al we been at sea just two days and a lot of the boys has gave up the +ghost all ready and pretty near everything else but I haven't felt the +least bit sick that is sea sick but I will own up I felt a little home sick +just as we come out of the harbor and seen the godess of liberty standing +up there maybe for the last time but don't think for a minute Al that I +am sorry I come and I only wish we was over there all ready and could get +in to it and the only kick I got comeing so far is that we haven't got no +further then we are now on acct. that we didn't do nothing the 1st. day +only stall around like we was waiting for Connie Mack to waggle his score +card or something. + +But we will get there some time and when we do you can bet we will show +them something and I am tickled to death I am going and if I lay down my +life I will feel like it wasn't throwed away for nothing like you would die +of tyford fever or something. + +Well I would of liked to of had Florrie and little Al come east and see me +off but Florrie felt like she couldn't afford to spend the money to make +another long trip after making one long trip down to Texas and besides we +wasn't even supposed to tell our family where we was going to sail from +but I notice they was a lot of women folks right down to the dock to bid +us good by and I suppose they just guessed what was comeing off eh Al? Or +maybe they was all strangers that just happened to be there but I'll say I +never seen so much kissing between strangers. Any way I and my family had +our farewells out west and Florrie was got up like a fancy dress ball and I +suppose if I die where she can tend the funeral she will come in pink +tights or something. + +Well Al I better not keep on talking about Florrie and little Al or I will +do the baby act and any way its pretty near time for chow but I suppose you +will wonder what am I talking about when I say chow. Well Al that's the +name we boys got up down to Camp Grant for stuff to eat and when we talk +about food instead of saying food we say chow so that's what I am getting +at when I say its pretty near time for chow. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_On the Ship Board, Jan. 17._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al here we are out somewheres in the middle of the old pond +and I wished the trip was over not because I have been sea sick or anything +but I can't hardly wait to get over there and get in to it and besides they +got us jammed in like a sardine or something and four of us in 1 state room +and I don't mind doubleing up with some good pal but a man can't get no +rest when they's four trying to sleep in a room that wouldn't be big enough +for Nemo Liebold but I wouldn't make no holler at that if they had of left +us pick our own roomys but out of the four of us they's one that looks like +he must of bribed the jury or he wouldn't be here and his name is Smith and +another one's name is Sam Hall and he has always got a grouch on and the +other boy is O. K. only I would like him a whole lot better if he was about +1/2 his size but no he is as big as me only not put up like I am. His name +is Lee and he pulls a lot of funny stuff like this A. M. he says they must +of thought us four was a male quartette and they stuck us all in together +so as we could get some close harmony. That's what they call it when they +hit them minors. + +Well Al I always been use to sleeping with my feet in bed with me but you +can't do that in the bunk I have got because your knee would crack you in +the jaw and knock you out and even if they was room to strech Hall keeps +crabbing till you can't rest and he keeps the room filled up with cigarette +smoke and no air and you can't open up the port hole or you would freeze +to death so about the only chance I get to sleep is up in the parlor in a +chair in the day time and you don't no sooner set down when they got a life +boat drill or something and for some reason another they have a role call +every day and that means everybody has got to answer to their name to see +if we are all on board just as if they was any other place to go. + +When they give the signal for a life boat drill everybody has got to stick +their life belt on and go to the boat where they have been given the number +of it and even when everybody knows its a fake you got to show up just the +same and yesterday they was one bird thats supposed to go in our life boat +and he was sea sick and he didn't show up so they went after him and one of +the officers told him that wasn't no excuse and what would he do if he was +sea sick and the ship was realy sinking and he says he thought it was realy +sinking ever since we started. + +Well Al we got some crowd on the boat and they's two French officers along +with us that been giveing drills and etc. in one of the camps in the U. S. +and navy officers and gunners and a man would almost wish something would +happen because I bet we would put up some battle. + +Lee just come in and asked me who was I writeing to and I told him and he +says I better be careful to not write nothing against anybody on the trip +just as if I would. But any way I asked him why not and he says because all +the mail would be opened and read by the censor so I said "Yes but he won't +see this because I won't mail it till we get across the old pond and then I +will mail all my letters at once." + +So he said a man can't do it that way because just before we hit land the +censor will take all our mail off of us and read it and cut out whatever +he don't like and then mail it himself. So I didn't know we had a censor +along with us but Lee says we certainly have got one and he is up in the +front ship and they call that the censor ship on acct. of him being on +there. + +Well Al I don't care what he reads and what he don't read because I am not +the kind that spill anything about the trip that would hurt anybody or get +them in bad. So he is welcome to read anything I write you might say. + +This front ship is the slowest one of the whole four and how is that for +fine judgment Al to put the slowest one ahead and this ship we are on is +the fastest and they keep us behind instead of leaving us go up ahead and +set the pace for them and no wonder we never get nowheres. Of course that +ain't the censor's fault but if the old U. S. is in such a hurry to get men +across the pond I should think they would use some judgment and its just +like as if Hughey Jennings would stick Oscar Stanage or somebody ahead of +Cobb in the batting order so as Cobb couldn't make to many bases on a hit. + +Well Al I will have to cut it out for now because its pretty near time for +chow and that's the name we got up out to Camp Grant for meals and now +everybody in the army when they talk about food they call it chow. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_On the Ship Board, Jan. 19._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al they have got a new nickname for me and now they call +me Jack Tar and Bob Lee got it up and I will tell you how it come off. Last +night was one rough bird and I guess pretty near everybody on the boat were +sick and Lee says to me how was it that I stood the rough weather so good +and it didn't seem to effect me so I says it was probably on acct. of me +going around the world that time with the two ball clubs and I was right at +home on the water so he says "I guess we better call you Jack Tar." + +So that's how they come to call me Jack Tar and its a name they got for old +sailors that's been all their life on the water. So on acct. of my name +being Jack it fits in pretty good. + +Well a man can't help from feeling sorry for the boys that have not been +across the old pond before and can't stand a little rough spell but it +makes a man kind of proud to think the rough weather don't effect you when +pretty near everybody else feels like a churn or something the minute a +drop of water splashes vs. the side of the boat but still a man can't +hardly help from laughing when they look at them. + +Lee says he would of thought I would of enlisted in the navy on acct. of +being such a good sailor. Well I would of Al if I had knew they needed +men and I told Lee so and he said he thought the U. S. made a big mistake +keeping it a secret that they did need men in the navy till all the good +ones enlisted in the draft and then of course the navy had to take what +they could get. + +Well I guess I all ready told you that one of the boys in our room is named +Freddie Smith and he don't never say a word and I thought at 1st. it was +because he was a kind of a bum like Hall that didn't know nothing and +that's why he didn't say it but it seems the reason he don't talk more is +because he can't talk English very good but he is a Frenchman and he was a +waiter in the big French resturent in Milwaukee and now what do you think +Al he is going to learn Lee and I French lessons and Lee fixed it up with +him. We want to learn how to talk a little so when we get there we can make +ourself understood and you remember I started studing French out to Camp +Grant but the man down there didn't know nothing about what he was talking +about so I walked out on him but this bird won't try and learn us grammer +or how you spell it or nothing like that but just a few words so as we can +order drinks and meals and etc. when we get a leave off some time. Tonight +we are going to have our 1st. lesson and with a man like he to learn us we +ought to pick it up quick. + +Well old pal I will wind up for this time as I don't feel very good on +acct. of something I eat this noon and its a wonder a man can keep up at +all where they got you in a stateroom jammed in like a sardine or something +and Hall smokeing all the while like he was a freight engine pulling a +freight train up grade or something. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_On the Ship Board, Jan. 20._ + +FRIEND AL: Just a line Al because I don't feel like writeing as I was taken +sick last night from something I eat and who wouldn't be sick jammed in a +room like a sardine. + +I had a kind of a run in with Hall because he tried to kid me about being +sick with some of his funny stuff but I told him where to head in. He +started out by saying to Lee that Jack Tar looked like somebody had knocked +the tar out of him and after a while he says "What's the matter with the +old salt tonight he don't seem to have no pepper with him." So I told him +to shut up. + +Well we didn't have no French lesson on acct. of me being taken sick but +we are going to have a lesson tonight and pretty soon I am going up and +try and eat something and I hope they don't try and hand me no more of that +canned beans or whatever it was that effected me and if Uncle Sam wants his +boys to go over there and put up a battle he shouldn't try and poison them +first. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_On the Ship Board, Jan. 21._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al I was talking to one of the sailors named Doran to-day +and he says in a day or 2 more we would be right in the danger zone where +all the subs hangs out and then would come the fun and we would probably +all have to keep our clothes on all night and keep our life belts on and I +asked him if they was much danger with all them convoys guarding us and he +says the subs might fire a periscope right between two of the convoys and +hit our ship and maybe the convoys might get them afterwards but then it +would be to late. + +He said the last time he come over with troops they was two subs got after +this ship and they shot two periscopes at this ship and just missed it and +they seem to be laying for this ship because its one of the biggest and +fastest the U. S. has got. + +Well I told Doran it wouldn't bother me to keep my clothes on all night +because I all ready been keeping them on all night because when you have +got a state room like ours they's only one place where they's room for a +man's clothes and that's on you. + +Well old pal they's a whole lot of difference between learning something +from somebody that knows what they are talking about and visa versa. I and +Lee and Smith got together in the room last night and we wasn't at it more +than an hour but I learned more then all the time I took lessons from that +4 flusher out to Camp Grant because Smith don't waist no time with a lot of +junk about grammer but I or Lee would ask him what was the French for so +and so and he would tell us and we would write it down and say it over till +we had it down pat and I bet we could pretty near order a meal now without +no help from some of these smart alex that claims they can talk all the +languages in the world. + +In the 1st. place they's a whole lot of words in French that they's no +difference you might say between them from the way we say it like beef +steak and beer because Lee asked him if suppose we went in somewheres and +wanted a steak and bread and butter and beer and the French for and is +und so we would say beef steak und brot mit butter schmieren und bier and +that's all they is to it and I can say that without looking at the paper +where we wrote it down and you can see I have got that much learned all +ready so I wouldn't starve and when you want to call a waiter you call him +kellner so you see I could go in a place in Paris and call a waiter and get +everything I wanted. Well Al I bet nobody ever learned that much in I hour +off that bird out to Camp Grant and I'll say its some speed. + +We are going to have another lesson tonight but Lee says we don't want to +try and learn to, much at once or we will forget what we all ready learned +and they's a good deal to that Al. + +Well Al its time for chow again so lebe wohl and that's the same like good +by in French. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_On the Ship Board, Jan. 22._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al we are in what they call the danger zone and they's some +excitement these days and at night to because they don't many of the boys +go to sleep nights and they go to their rooms and pretend like they are +going to sleep but I bet you wouldn't need no alarm clock to make them jump +out of bed. + +Most of the boys stays out on deck most of the time and I been staying out +there myself most all day today not because I am scared of anything because +I always figure if its going to happen its going to happen but I stay out +because it ain't near as cold as it was and besides if something is comeing +off I don't want to miss it. Besides maybe I could help out some way if +something did happen. + +Last night we was all out on deck in the dark talking about this and that +and one of the boys I was standing along side of him made the remark that +we had been out nine days and he didn't see no France yet or no signs of +getting there so I said no wonder when we had such a he--ll of a censor +ship and some other guy heard me say it so he said I better not talk like +that but I didn't mean it like that but only how slow it was. + +Well we are getting along O. K. with the French lessons and Bob Lee told +me last night that he run across one of the two French officers that's on +the ship and he thought he would try some of his French on him so he said +something about it being a nice day in French and the Frenchman was tickled +to death and smiled and bowed at him and I guess I will try it out on them +the next time I see them. + +Well Al that shows we been learning something when the Frenchmans themself +know what we are talking about and I and Lee will have the laugh on the +rest of the boys when we get there that is if we do get there but for some +reason another I have got a hunch that we won't never see France and I +can't explain why but once in a while a man gets a hunch and a lot of times +they are generally always right. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_On the Ship Board, Jan. 23._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al I was just out on deck with Lee and Sargent Bishop and +Bishop is a sargent in our Co. and he said he had just came from Capt. +Seeley and Capt. Seeley told him to tell all the N. C. O. officers like +sargents and corporals that if a sub got us we was to leave the privates +get into the boats first before we got in and we wasn't to get into our +boats till all the privates was safe in the boats because we would probably +be cooler and not get all excited like the privates. So you see Al if +something does happen us birds will have to take things in hand you might +say and we will have to stick on the job and not think about ourselfs till +everybody else is taken care of. + +Well Lee said that Doran one of the sailors told him something on the quiet +that didn't never get into the newspapers and that was about one of the +trips that come off in December and it seems like a whole fleet of subs got +on to it that some transports was comeing so they layed for them and they +shot a periscope at one of the transports and hit it square in the middle +and it begun to sink right away and it looked like they wouldn't nobody get +into the boats but the sargents and corporals was as cool as if nothing was +comeing off and they quieted the soldiers down and finely got them into the +boats and the N. C. O. officers was so cool and done so well that when Gen. +Pershing heard about it he made this rule about the N. C. O. officer always +waiting till the last so they could kind of handle things. But Doran also +told Lee that they was some men sunk with the ship and they was all N. C. +O. officers except one sailor and of course the ship sunk so quick that +some of the corporals and sargents didn't have no time to get off on +acct. of haveing to wait till the last. So you see that when you read the +newspapers you don't get all the dope because they don't tell the reporters +only what they feel like telling them. + +Well Al I guess I told you all ready about me haveing this hunch that I +wouldn't never see France and I guess it looks now more then ever like my +hunch was right because if we get hit I will have to kind of look out for +the boys that's in my boat and not think about myself till everybody else +is O. K. and Doran says if this ship ever does get hit it will sink quick +because its so big and heavy and of course the heavier a ship is it will +sink all the sooner and Doran says he knows they are laying for us because +he has made five trips over and back on this ship and he never was on a +trip when a sub didn't get after them. + +Well I will close for this time because I am not feeling very good Al and +it isn't nothing I eat or like that but its just I feel kind of faint like +I use to sometimes when I would pitch a tough game in St. Louis when it was +hot or something. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_On the Ship Board, Jan. 23._ + +FRIEND AL: Well I all ready wrote you one letter today but I kind of feel +like I better write to you again because any minute we are libel to hear +a bang against the side of the boat and you know what that means and I +have got a hunch that I won't never get off of the ship alive but will go +down with her because I wouldn't never leave the ship as long as they was +anybody left on her rules or no rules but I would stay and help out till +every man was off and then of course it would be to late but any way I +would go down feeling like I had done my duty. Well Al when a man has got a +hunch like that he would be a sucker to not pay no tension to it and that +is why I am writeing to you again because I got some things I want to say +before the end. + +Now old pal I know that Florrie hasn't never warmed up towards you and +Bertha and wouldn't never go down to Bedford with me and pay you a visit +and every time I ever give her a hint that I would like to have you and +Bertha come up and see us she always had some excuse that she was going +to be busy or this and that and of course I knew she was trying to alibi +herself and the truth was she always felt like Bertha and her wouldn't have +nothing in common you might say because Florrie has always been a swell +dresser and cared a whole lot about how she looked and some way she felt +like Bertha wouldn't feel comfortable around where she was at and maybe she +was right but we can forget all that now Al and I can say one thing Al she +never said nothing reflecting on you yourself in any way because I wouldn't +of stood for it but instead of that when I showed her that picture of you +and Bertha in your wedding suit she made the remark that you looked like +one of the honest homely kind of people that their friends could always +depend on them. Well Al when she said that she hit the nail on the head and +I always knew you was the one pal who I could depend on and I am depending +on you now and I know that if I am laying down at the bottom of the ocean +tonight you will see that my wishs in this letter is carried out to the +letter. + +What I want to say is about Florrie and little Al. Now don't think Al that +I am going to ask you for financial assistants because I would know better +then that and besides we don't need it on acct. of me having $10000 dollars +soldier insurence in Florrie's name as the benefitter and the way she is +coining money in that beauty parlor she won't need to touch my insurence +but save it for little Al for a rainy day only I suppose that the minute +she gets her hands on it she will blow it for widows weeds and I bet they +will be some weeds Al and everybody will think they are flowers instead of +weeds. + +But what I am getting at is that she won't need no money because with what +I leave her and what she can make she has got enough and more then enough +but I often say that money isn't the only thing in this world and they's +a whole lot of things pretty near as good and one of them is kindness and +what I am asking from you and Bertha is to drop in on her once in a while +up in Chi and pay her a visit and I have all ready wrote her a letter +telling her to ask you but even if she don't ask you go and see her any way +and see how she is getting along and if she is takeing good care of the kid +or leaving him with the Swede nurse all the while. + +Between you and I Al what I am scared of most is that Florrie's mind will +be effected if anything happens to me and without knowing what she was +doing she would probably take the first man that asked her and believe me +she is not the kind that would have to wait around on no st. corner to +catch somebody's eye but they would follow her around and nag at her till +she married them and I would feel like he--ll over it because Florrie is +the kind of a girl that has got to be handled right and not only that but +what would become of little Al with some horse Dr. for a father in law and +probably this bird would treat him like a dog and beat him up either that +or make a sissy out of him. + +Well Al old pal I know you will do like I ask and go and see her and maybe +you better go alone but if you do take Bertha along I guess it would be +better and not let Bertha say nothing to her because Florrie is the kind +that flare up easy and specially when they think they are a little better +then somebody. But if you could just drop her a hint and say that she +should ought to be proud to be a widow to a husband that died for Uncle Sam +and she ought to live for my memory and for little Al and try and make him +as much like I as possible I believe it would make her think and any way I +want you to do it for me old pal. + +Well good by old pal and I wished I could leave some thing to you and +Bertha and believe me I would if I had ever known this was comeing off this +way though of course I figured right along that I wouldn't last long in +France because what chance has a corporal got? But I figured I would make +some arrangements for a little present for you and Bertha as soon as I got +to France but of course it looks now like I wouldn't never get there and +all the money I have got is tied up so its to late to think of that and all +as I can say is good luck to you and Bertha and everybody in Bedford and I +hope they will be proud of me and remember I done my best and I often say +what more can a man do then that? + +Well Al I will say good by again and good luck and now have got to quit and +go to chow. + +Your pal to the last, JACK KEEFE. + + * * * * * + +_On the Ship Board, Jan. 24._ + +FRIEND AL: Well this has been some day and wait till you hear about it and +hear what come off and some of the birds on this ship took me for a sucker +and tried to make a rummy out of me but I was wise to their game and I +guess the shoe is on the other foot this time. + +Well it was early this A. M. and I couldn't sleep and I was up on deck and +along come one of them French officers that's been on board all the way +over. Well I thought I would try myself out on him like Lee said he done so +I give him a salute and I said to him "Schones tag nicht wahr." Like you +would say its a beautiful day only I thought I was saying it in French but +wait till you hear about it Al. + +Well Al they ain't nobody in the world fast enough to of caught what he +said back to me and I won't never know what he said but I won't never +forget how he looked at me and when I took one look at him I seen we wasn't +going to get along very good so I turned around and started up the deck. +Well he must of flagged the first man he seen and sent him after me and it +was a 2d. lieut. and he come running up to me and stopped me and asked me +what was my name and what Co. and etc. and at first I was going to stall +and then I thought I better not so I told him who I was and he left me go. + +Well I didn't know then what was comeing off so I just layed low and I +didn't have to wait around long and all of a sudden a bird from the +Colonel's staff found me in the parlor and says I was wanted right away and +when I got to this room there was the Col. and the two Frenchmans and my +captain Capt. Seeley and a couple others so I saluted and I can't tell you +exactly what come off because I can't remember all what the Colonel said +but it was something like this. + +In the first place he says "Corporal Keefe they's some little matters +that you have got to explain and we was going to pass them up first on the +grounds that Capt. Seeley said you probably didn't know no better but this +thing that come off this A. M. can't be explained by ignorants." + +So then he says "It was reported that you was standing on deck the night +before last and you made the remark that we had a he--ll of a censor ship." +And he says "What did you mean by that?" + +So you see Al this smart alex of a Lee had told me they called the first +ship the censor ship and I believed him at first because I was thinking +about something else or of course I never would of believed him because +the censor ship isn't no ship like this kind of a ship but means something +else. So I explained about that and I seen Capt. Seeley kind of crack a +smile so then I knew I was O. K. + +So then he pulled it on me about speaking to Capt. Somebody of the French +army in the German language and of course they was only one answer to that +and you see the way it was Al all the time Smith was pretending to learn +us French he was learning us German and Lee put him up to it but when the +Colonel asked me what I meant by doing such a thing as talk German why of +course I knew in a minute that they had been trying to kid me but at first +I told the Colonel I couldn't of said no German because I don't know no +more German than Silk O'Loughlin. Well the Frenchman was pretty sore and I +don't know what would of came off only for Capt. Seeley and he spoke up and +said to the Colonel that if he could have a few minutes to investigate he +thought he could clear things up because he figured I hadn't intended to do +nothing wrong and somebody had probably been playing jokes. + +So Capt. Seeley went out and it seemed like a couple of yrs. till he came +back and he had Smith and Lee and Doran with him. So then them 3 birds was +up on the carpet and I'll say they got some panning and when it was all +over the Colonel said something about they being a dam site to much kidding +back and fourth going on and he hoped that before long we would find out +that this war wasn't no practicle joke and he give Lee and Smith a fierce +balling out and he said he would leave Capt. Seeley to deal with them +and he would report Doran to the proper quarters and then he was back on +me again and he said it looked like I had been the innocent victim of a +practicle joke but he says "You are so dam innocent that I figure you are +temperately unfit to hold on to a corporal's warrant so you can consider +yourself reduced to the ranks. We can't have no corporals that if some +comedian told them the Germans was now one of our allies they would try +and get in the German trenches and shake hands with them." + +Well Al when it was all over I couldn't hardly keep from laughing because +you see I come out of it O. K. and the laugh was on Smith and Lee and Doran +because I got just what I wanted because I never did want to be a corporal +because it meant I couldn't pal around with the boys and be their pals and +I never felt right when I was giveing them orders because I would rather be +just one of them and make them feel like we were all equals. + +Of course they wasn't no time on the whole trip when Lee or Doran or Smith +either one of them had me fooled because just to look at them you would +know they are the kind of smart alex that's always trying to put something +over on somebody only I figured two could play at that game as good as one +and I would kid them right back and give them as good as they sent because +I always figure that the game ain't over till the ninth inning and the man +that does the laughing then has got all the best of it. But at that I don't +bear no bad will towards neither one of them and I have got a good notion +to ask Capt. Seeley to let them off easy. + +Well Al this is a long letter but I wanted you to know I wasn't no corporal +no more and if a sub hits us now Al I can hop into a boat as quick as I +feel like it but jokeing a side if something like that happened it wouldn't +make no difference to me if I was a corporal or not a corporal because I am +a man and I would do my best and help the rest of the boys get into the +boats before I thought about myself. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_On the Ship Board, Jan. 25._ + +FRIEND AL: Well old pal just a line to let you know we are out of the +danger zone and pretty near in port and I can't tell you where we land at +but everybody is hollering and the band's playing and I guess the boys +feels a whole lot better then when we was out there where the subs could +get at us but between you and I Al I never thought about the subs all the +way over only when I heard somebody else talk about them because I always +figure that if they's some danger of that kind the best way to do is just +forget it and if its going to happen all right but what's the use of +worrying about it? But I suppose lots of people is built different and +they have just got to worry all the while and they get scared stiff just +thinking about what might happen but I always say nobody ever got fat +worrying so why not just forget it and take things as they come. + +Well old pal they's to many sights to see so I will quit for this time. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, Jan. 26._ + +FRIEND AL: Well old pal here we are and its against the rules to tell you +where we are at but of course it don't take no Shylock to find out because +all you would have to do is look at the post mark that they will put on +this letter. + +Any way you couldn't pronounce what the town's name is if you seen it +spelled out because it isn't nothing like how its spelled out and you won't +catch me trying to pronounce none of these names or talk French because I +am off of languages for a while and good old American is good enough for me +eh Al? + +Well Al now that its all over I guess we was pretty lucky to get across the +old pond without no trouble because between you and I Al I heard just a +little while ago from one of the boys that three nights ago we was attacked +and our ship just missed getting hit by a periscope and the destroyers went +after the subs and they was a whole flock of them and the reason we didn't +hear nothing is that the death bombs don't go off till they are way under +water so you can't hear them but between you and I Al the navy men say they +was nine subs sank. + +Well I didn't say nothing about it to the man who tipped me off but I had +a hunch that night that something was going on and I don't remember now if +it was something I heard or what it was but I knew they was something in +the air and I was expecting every minute that the signal would come for +us to take to the boats but they wasn't no necessity of that because the +destroyers worked so fast and besides they say they don't never give no +alarm till the last minute because they don't want to get everybody up at +night for nothing. + +Well any way its all over now and here we are and you ought to of heard +the people in the town here cheer us when we come in and you ought to see +how the girls look at us and believe me Al they are some girls. Its a good +thing I am an old married man or I believe I would pretty near be tempted +to flirt back with some of the ones that's been trying to get my eye but +the way it is I just give them a smile and pass on and they's no harm in +that and I figure a man always ought to give other people as much pleasure +as you can as long as it don't harm nobody. + +Well Al everybody's busier then a chicken with their head off and I haven't +got no more time to write. But when we get to where we are going I will +have time maybe and tell you how we are getting along and if you want drop +me a line and I wish you would send me the Chi papers once in a while +especially when the baseball training trips starts but maybe they won't be +no Jack Keefe to send them to by that time but if they do get me I will die +fighting. You know me Al. + +Your pal, JACK. + + + + +CHAPTER II + +PRIVATE VALENTINE + + +_Somewheres in France, Feb. 2._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al here I am only I can't tell you where its at because the +censor rubs it out when you put down the name of a town and besides that +even if I was to write out where we are at you wouldn't have no idear where +its at because how you spell them hasn't nothing to do with their name if +you tried to say it. + +For inst. they's a town a little ways from us that when you say it its Lucy +like a gal or something but when you come to spell it out its Loucey like +something else. + +Well Al any way this is where they have got us staying till we get called +up to the front and I can't hardly wait till that comes off and some say it +may be tomorrow and others say we are libel to be here a yr. Well I hope +they are wrong because I would rather live in the trenches then one of +these billets where they got us and between you and I Al its nothing more +then a barn. Just think of a man like I Al thats been use to nothing only +the best hotels in the big league and now they got me staying in a barn +like I was a horse or something and I use to think I was cold when they had +us sleeping with imaginery blankets out to Camp Grant but I would prespire +if I was there now after this and when we get through here they can send us +up to the north pole in our undershirt and we would half to keep moping the +sweat off of our forehead and set under a electric fan to keep from +sweltering. + +Well they have got us pegged as horses all right not only because they give +us a barn to live in but also from the way they sent us here from where +we landed at in France and we made the trip in cattle cars and 1 of the +boys says they must of got us mixed up with the calvary or something. It +certainly was some experience to be rideing on one of these French trains +for a man that went back and fourth to the different towns in the big +league and back in a special Pullman and sometimes 2 of them so as we could +all have lower births. Well we didn't have no births on the French R. R. +and it wouldn't of done us no good to of had them because you wouldn't no +sooner dose off when the engine would let off a screem that sounded like a +woman that seen a snake and 1 of the boys says that on acct. of all the men +being in the army they had women doing the men's work and judgeing by the +noise they even had them whistleing for the crossings. + +Well we finely got here any way and they signed us to our different billets +and they's 20 of us in this one not counting a couple of pigs and god knows +how many rats and a cow that mews all night. We haven't done nothing yet +only look around but Monday we go to work out to the training grounds and +they say we won't only half to march 12 miles through the mud and snow to +get there. Mean time we set and look out the cracks onto Main St. and every +little wile they's a Co. of pollutes marchs through or a train of motor +Lauras takeing stuff up to the front or bringing guys back that didn't duck +quick enough and to see these Frenchmens march you would think it was fun +but when they have been at it a wile they will loose some of their pep. + +Well its warmer in bed then setting here writeing so I will close for this +time. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, Feb. 4._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al I am writeing this in the Y. M. C. A. hut where they +try and keep it warm and all the boys that can crowd in spends most of +their spare time here but we don't have much spare time at that because its +always one thing another and I guess its just as well they keep us busy +because every time they find out you are not doing nothing they begin +vaxinating everybody. + +They's enough noise in here so as a man can't hear yourself think let alone +writeing a letter so if I make mistakes in spelling and etc. in this letter +you will know why it is. They are singing the song now about the baby's +prayer at twilight where the little girl is supposed to be praying for her +daddy that's a soldier to take care of himself but if she was here now she +would be praying for him to shut up his noise. + +Well we was in the trenchs all day not the regular ones but the ones they +got for us to train in them and they was a bunch of French officers trying +to learn us how to do this in that and etc. and some of the time you could +all most understand what they was trying to tell you and then it was stuff +we learnt the first wk. out to Camp Grant and I suppose when they get so as +they can speak a few words of English they will tell us we ought to stand +up when we hear the Star spangle Banner. Well we was a pretty sight when +we got back with the mud and slush and everything and by the time they get +ready to call us into action they will half to page us in the morgue. + +About every 2 or 3 miles today we would pass through a town where some of +the rest of the boys has got their billets only they don't call it miles in +France because that's to easy to say but instead of miles they call them +kilometts. But any way from the number of jerk water burgs we went through +you would think we was on the Monon and the towns all looks so much like +the other that when one of the French soldiers gets a few days leave off +they half to spend most of it looking for land marks so as they will know +if they are where they live. And they couldn't even be sure if it was warm +weather and their folks was standing out in front of the house because all +the familys is just alike with the old Mr. and the Mrs. and pigs and a cow +and a dog. + +Well Al they say its pretty quite these days up to the front and the boys +that's been around here a wile says you can hear the guns when they's +something doing and the wind blows this way but we haven't heard no guns +yet only our own out to where we have riffle practice but everybody says as +soon as spring comes and the weather warms up the Germans is sure to start +something. Well I don't care if they start anything or not just so the +weather warms up and besides they won't never finish what they start unless +they start going back home and they won't even finish that unless they show +a whole lot more speed then they did comeing. They are just trying to throw +a scare into somebody with a lot of junk about a big drive they are going +to make but I have seen birds come up to hit in baseball Al that was going +to drive it out of the park but their drive turned out to be a hump back +liner to the pitcher. I remember once when Speaker come up with a couple +men on and we was 2 runs ahead in the 9th. inning and he says to me "Well +busher here is where I hit one a mile." Well Al he hit one a mile all right +but it was 1/2 a mile up and the other 1/2 a mile down and that's the way +it goes with them gabby guys and its the same way with the Germans and they +talk all the time so as they will get thirsty and that's how they like to +be. + +Speaking about thirsty Al its different over here then at home because when +a man in uniform wants a drink over here you don't half to hire no room in +a hotel and put on your nightgown but you can get it here in your uniform +only what they call beer here we would pore it on our wheat cakes at home +and they got 2 kinds of wine red and white that you could climb outside of +a bbl. of it without asking the head waiter to have them play the Rosery. +But they say the champagne is O. K. and I am going to tackle it when I get +a chance and you may think from that that I have got jack to throw away but +over here Al is where they make the champagne and you can get a qt. of it +for about a buck or 1/2 what you would pay for it in the U. S. and besides +that the money they got here is a frank instead of a dollar and a frank +isn't only worth about $.19 cents so a man can have a whole lot better time +here and not cost him near as much. + +And another place where the people in France has got it on the Americans +and that is that when they write a letter here they don't half to pay +nothing to mail it but when you write to me you have got to stick a 5 cent +stamp on it but judgeing by the way you answer my letters the war will be +all over before you half to break a dime. Of course I am just jokeing Al +and I know why you don't write much because you haven't got nothing to +write staying there in Bedford and you could take a post card and tell me +all the news that happened in 10 yrs. and still have room enough yet to say +Bertha sends kind regards. + +But of course its different with a man like I because I am always where +they is something big going on and first it was baseball and now its a +bigger game yet you might say but whatever is going on big you can always +count on me being in the mist of it and not buried alive in no Indiana X +roads where they still think the first bounce is out. But of course I know +it is not your fault that you haven't been around and seen more and it +ain't every man that can get away from a small town and make a name for +themself and I suppose I ought to consider myself lucky. + +Well Al enough for this time and I will write soon again and I would like +to hear from you even if you haven't nothing to say and don't forget to +send me a Chi paper when you get a hold of one and I asked Florrie to send +me one every day but asking her for favors is like rolling off a duck's +back you might say and its first in one ear and then the other. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, Feb. 7._ + +FRIEND AL: I suppose you have read articles in the papers about the war +that's wrote over here by reporters and the way they do it is they find out +something and then write it up and send it by cablegrams to their papers +and then they print it and that's what you read in the papers. + +Well Al they's a whole flock of these here reporters over here and I guess +they's one for every big paper in the U. S. and they all wear bands around +their sleeves with a C on them for civilian or something so as you can +spot them comeing and keep your mouth shut. Well they have got their head +quarters in one of the towns along the line but they ride all over the camp +in automobiles and this evening I was outside of our billet and one of them +come along and seen me and got out of his car and come up to me and asked +if I wasn't Jack Keefe the White Sox pitcher. Well Al he writes for one of +the Chi papers and of course he knows all about me and has seen me work. +Well he asked me a lot of questions about this in that and I didn't give +him no military secrets but he asked me how did I like the army game and +etc. + +I asked him if he was going to mention about me being here in the paper and +he says the censors wouldn't stand for mentioning no names until you get +killed because if they mentioned your name the Germans would know who all +was here but after you are dead the Germans don't care if you had been here +or not. + +But he says he would put it in the paper that he was talking to a man that +use to be a star pitcher on the White Sox and he says everybody would know +who it was he was talking about because they wasn't such a slue of star +pitchers in the army that it would take a civil service detective to find +out who he meant. + +So we talked along and finely he asked me was I going to write a book about +the war and I said no and he says all right he would tell the paper that he +had ran across a soldier that not only use to be a ball player but wasn't +going to write a book and they would make a big story out of it. + +So I said I wouldn't know how to go about it to write a book but when I +went around the world with the 2 ball clubs that time I use to write some +poultry once in a wile just for different occasions like where the boys was +called on for a speech or something and they didn't know what to say so I +would make up one of my poems and the people would go nuts over them. + +So he said why didn't I tear off a few patriotic poems now and slip them to +him and he would send them to his paper and they would print them and maybe +if some of them was good enough somebody would set down and write a song to +them and probably everybody would want to buy it and sing it like Over +There and I would clean up a good peace of jack. + +Well Al I told him I would see if I could think up something to write and +of course I was just stalling him because a soldier has got something +better to do than write songs and I will leave that to the birds that was +gun shy and stayed home. But if you see in the Chi papers where one of the +reporters was talking to a soldier that use to be a star pitcher in the +American League or something you will know who they mean. He said he would +drop by in a few days again and see if I had something wrote up for him but +I will half to tell him I have been to busy to monkey with it. + +As far as I can see they's enough songs all ready wrote up about the war so +as everybody in the army and navy could have 1 a peace and still have a few +left over for the boshs and that's a name we got up for the Germans Al and +instead of calling them Germans we call them boshs on acct. of them being +so full of bunk. + +Well Al one of the burgs along the line is where Jonah Vark was born when +she was alive. It seems like France was mixed up in another war along about +a 100 yrs. ago and they was getting licked and Jonah was just a young gal +but she dressed up in men's coat and pants and went up to the front and led +the charges with a horse and she carried a white flag and the Dutchmens or +whoever they was fighting against must of thought it was a flag of truants +and any way they didn't fire at them and the French captured New Orleans +and win the war. The Germans is trying to pull the same stuff on our boys +now and lots of times they run up and holler Conrad like they was going to +give up and when your back is turned they whang away at you but they won't +pull none of that stuff on me and when one of them trys to Conrad me I will +perculate them with a bayonet. + +Well Al the boys is starting their choir practice and its good night and +some times I wished I was a deef and dumb mute and couldn't hear nothing. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, Feb. 9._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al I didn't have nothing to do last night and I happened to +think about that reporter and how he would be comeing along in a few days +asking for that poultry. + +I figured I might as well set down and write him up a couple verses because +them fellows is hard up for articles to send their paper because in the +first place we don't tell them nothing so they could write it up and when +they write it the censors smeers out everything but the question marks and +dots but of course they would leave them send poems because the Germans +couldn't make head or tale out of them. So any way I set down and tore off +3 verses and he says they ought to be something about a gal in it so here +is what I wrote: + + _Near a year ago today + Pres. Wilson of the U. S. A. + had something to say, + "Germany you better keep away + This is no time for play." + When it come time to go + America was not slow + Each one said good by to their girl so dear + And some of them has been over here + since last year. + + I will come home when the war is over + Back to the U. S. A. + So don't worry little girlie + And now we are going to Berlin + And when we the Kaiser skin + and the war we will win + And make the Kaiser jump out of his skin. + + The ones that stays at home + Can subscribe to the liberty loan + And some day we will come home + to the girles that's left alone + Old Kaiser Bill is up against it + For all are doing their bit. + Pres. Wilson says the stars and stripes + Will always fight for their rights._ + +That's what I tore off and when he comes around again I will have it for +him and if you see it in the Chi papers you will know who wrote it up and +maybe somebody will write a song to it but of course they can't sign my +name to it unless I get killed or something but I guess at that they ain't +so many soldiers over here that can turn out stuff like that but what my +friends won't be pretty sure who wrote it. + +But if something does happen to me I wished you would kind of keep your +eyes pealed and if the song comes out try and see that Florrie gets some +jack out of it and I haven't wrote nothing to her about it because she is +like all other wifes and when somebodys else husband pulls something its +O. K. but if their own husband does it he must of had a snoot full. + +Well today was so rotten that they didn't make us go nowheres and I'll say +its got to be pretty rotten when they do that and the meal they give us +tonight wouldn't of bulged out a grandaddy long legs and I and my buddy +Frank Carson was both hungry after we eat and I suppose you will wonder +what do I mean by buddy. Well Al that's a name I got up for who ever you +pal around with or bunk next to them and now everybody calls their pal +their buddy. Well any way he says why didn't we go over to the Red X +canteen resturent and buy ourself a feed so we went over and its a little +shack where the Red X serves you a pretty good meal for 1 frank and that's +about $.19 cents and they don't try and make no profits on it but just run +them so as a man don't half to go along all the wile on what the army hands +out to you. + +Well they was 3 janes on the job over there and 2 of them would be safe +anywheres you put them but the other one is Class A and her old woman must +of been pie eyed when she left her come over here. Well Carson said she +belonged to him because he had seen her before and besides I was a married +man so I says all right go ahead and get her. Well Al it would be like +Terre Haute going after George Sisler or somebody and the minute we blowed +in she didn't have eyes for only me but I wasn't going to give her no +encouragement because we were here to kill Germans and not ladys but I +wished you could of seen the smile she give me. Well she's just as much a +American as I or you but of course Carson had to be cute and try to pull +some of his French on her so he says Bon soir Madam Moselle and that is +the same like we would say good evening but when Carson pulled it I spoke +up and said "If your bones is soir why don't you go and take the baths +somewhere?" Pretending like I thought he meant his bones were sore. Well +the little lady got it O. K. and pretty near laughed outright. You see Al +when a person has got rhuematism they go and take the baths like down to +Mudlavia so I meant if his bones was sore he better go somewheres like +that. So the little lady tried to not laugh on acct. of me being a stranger +but she couldn't hardly help from busting out and then I smiled at her back +and after that Carson might as well of been mowing the lawn out in Nobody's +Land. I felt kind of sorry the way things broke because here he is a man +without no home ties and of course I have all ready got a wife but Miss +Moselle didn't have no eyes for him and that's the way it goes but what can +a man do and Carson seen how it was going and says to me right in front of +her "Have you heard from your Mrs. since we been over?" And I didn't dast +look up and see how she took it. + +Well they set us up a pretty good feed and the little lady kept asking us +questions like how long had we been here and what part of the U. S. we come +from and etc. and finely Carson told her who I was and she popped her eyes +out and says she use to go to the ball games once in a wile in N. Y. city +with her old man and she didn't never think she would meet a big league +pitcher and talk to them and she says she wondered if she ever seen me +pitch. Well I guess if she had she would remember it specially in N. Y. +because there was one club I always made them look like a fool and they +wasn't the only club at that and I guess they's about 6 other clubs in the +American League that if they had seen my name in the dead they wouldn't +shed off enough tears to gum up the infield. + +Well when we come out she asked us would we come again and we said yes but +I guess its best for both she and I if I stay away but I said we would come +again to be polite so she said au revoir and that's like you would say so +long so I said au reservoir pretending like I didn't know the right way to +say it but she seen I was just kidding and laughed and she is the kind of a +gal that gets everything you pull and bright as a whip and her and I Would +make a good team but of course they's no use talking about it the way I am +tied up so even when I'm sick in tired of the regular rations I won't dast +go over there for a feed because it couldn't do nothing only harm to the +both of us and the best way to do with those kind of affairs is to cut it +out before somebody gets hurt. + +Well its time to hop into the feathers and I only wished it was feathers +but feathers comes off a chicken or something and I guess these matteresses +we got is made out to Gary or Indiana Harbor or somewheres. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, Feb. 11._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al they's several of the boys that won't need no motor +Laura to carry their pay for the next couple mos. and if you was to +mention champagne to them they would ask for a barrage. I was over to the +Y. M. C. A. hut last night and when I come back I wished you could of seen +my buddys and they was 2 of them that was still able to talk yet and they +was haveing a argument because one of them wanted to pore some champagne in +a dish so as the rats would get stewed and the other bird was trying to not +let him because he said it always made them mean and they would go home and +beat up their Mrs. + +It seems like one of the boys had a birthday and his folks is well off and +they had sent him some jack from the states to buy blankets and etc. with +it and he thought it would be a sucker play to load up with bed close when +spring was comeing so he loaded up with something else and some of the boys +with him and for 50 or 60 franks over here you can get enough champagne to +keep the dust layed all summer and of course some of the boys hadn't never +tasted it before and they thought you could bathe in it like beer. They +didn't pay no more tension to revelry this A. M. then if they was a corps +and most of them was at that and out of the whole bunch of us they was only +7 that didn't get reported and the others got soaked 2 thirds of their pay +and confined to their quarters and Capt. Seeley says if they was any more +birthdays in his Co. we wouldn't wind the celebration up till sunrise and +then it would be in front of a fireing squad. Well Al if the boys can't +handle it no better then that they better leave it alone and just because +its cheap that's no reason to try and get it all at once because the grapes +will still be growing over here yet when all us birds takes our teeth off +at night with our other close. + +Well Al the reporter that asked me to write up the verses ain't been around +since and probably he has went up to the front or somewheres and I am glad +of it and I hope he forgets all about it because in the first place I am +not one of the kind that is crazy to get in the papers and besides I am to +busy to be monking with stuff like that. Yes they keep us on the jump all +the wile and we are pretty well wore out when night comes around but a +man wouldn't mind it if we was learning something but the way it is now +its like as if we had graduated from college and then they sent us to +kindegarden and outside of maybe a few skulls the whole regt. is ready +right now to get up there in the trenches and show them something and I +only wished we was going tomorrow but I guess some of the boys would like +it to never go up there but would rather stay here in this burg and think +they was haveing a good time kidding with the French gals and etc. but +that's no business for a married man and even if I didn't have no family +the French gals I seen so far wouldn't half to shew me away and I been +hearing all my life what swell dressers they was but a scout for the Follys +wouldn't waist no time in this burg. + +But I'm sick in tired of the same thing day in and day out and here we been +in France 2 wks. and all we done is a little riffle practice and stuff +we had back home and get soping wet every day and no mail and I wouldn't +wonder if Florrie and little Al had forgot all about me and if Secty. +Daniels wired them that Jack Keefe had been killed they would say who and +the hell is he. + +So all and all they can't send us up to the front to quick and it seems +like a shame that men like I should be held back just because they's a +few birds in the regt. that can't put on a gas mask yet without triping +themself up. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, Feb. 13._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al wait till you hear this and I bet you will pop your eyes +out. I guess I all ready told you about Miss Moselle the little lady over +to the Red X canteen. Well I was over there the day before yesterday and +she wasn't around nowheres and I was glad of it because I didn't want to +see her and just dropped in there to get something to eat and today I was +in there again and this time she was there and she smiled when she seen me +and come up and begin talking and she asked me how I liked it and I said I +would like it a whole lot better if we was in the fighting and she asked me +if I didn't like this town and I said well no I wasn't nuts about it and +she said she didn't think I was very complementary so then I seen she +wanted to get personal. + +Well Al she knows I am a married man because Carson just as good as told +her so I didn't see no harm in kidding her along a wile so I give her a +smile and said well you know the whole town ain't like you and she blushed +up and says "Well I didn't expect nothing like that from a great baseball +pitcher" so you see Al she had been makeing inquirys about me. So I said +"Well they was only one pitcher I ever heard of that couldn't talk and +that was Dummy Taylor but at that they's a whole lot of them that if they +couldn't say my arm's sore they might as well be tongue tied." But I told +her I wasn't one of those kind and I guest when it came to talking I could +give as good as I sent and she asked me was I a college man and I kidded +her along and said yes I went to Harvard and she said what year so I told +her I was there 2 different yrs. and we talked along about this in that +and I happened to have them verses in my pocket that I wrote up and they +dropped out when I was after my pocket book and she acted like she wanted +to know what the writeing was so I showed them to her. + +Well Al I wished you could of seen how supprised she was when she read them +and she says "So you are a poet." So I said "Yes I am a poet and don't know +it" so that made her laugh and I told her about the reporter asking me to +write some poems and then she asked me if she could keep a hold of those +ones till she made out a copy of them to keep for herself and I said "You +can keep that copy and pretend like I was thinking of you when I wrote +them." Well Al I wished you could of seen her then and she couldn't say +nothing at first but finely she says tomorrow was valentine day and the +verses would do for a valentine so just jokeing I asked her if she wouldn't +rather have a comical valentine and she says those ones would do O. K. so +then I told her I would write her a real valentine for herself but I might +maybe not get it ready in time to give her tomorrow and she says she +realized it took time and any time would do. + +Well of course I am not going to write up nothing for her and after this +I will keep away from the canteen because it isn't right to leave her see +to much of me even if she does know I am married but if I do write her +something I will make it comical and no mushy stuff in it. But it does +seem like fate or something that the harder I try and not get mixed up in +a flirtation I can't turn around you might say but what they's some gal +poping up on my trail and if it was anybody else only Miss Moselle I +wouldn't mind but she is a darb and I wouldn't do nothing to hurt her for +the world but they can't nobody say this is my fault. + +Well Al I pretty near forgot to tell you that the boys is putting on a +entertainment over to the Y. M. C. A. Saturday night and they will be +singing and gags and etc. and they asked me would I give them a little talk +on baseball and I said no at first but they begged me and finely I give my +consent but you know how I hate makeing speeches and etc. but a man don't +hardly feel like refuseing when they want me so bad so I am going to give +them a little talk on my experiences and make it comical and I will tell +you about the entertainment when its over. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, Feb. 15._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al I just been over to the canteen and I give the little +lady the valentine I promised to write up for her and I wasn't going +to write it up only I happened to remember that I promised so I wrote +something up and I was going to make it comical but I figured that would +disappoint her on acct. of the way she feels towards me so here is what I +wrote up. + +_To Miss Moselle + +(Private) + + A soldier don't have much time + To set down and write up a valentine + but please bear in mind + That I think about you many a time + And I wished I could call you mine + And I hope they will come a time + When I will have more time + And then everything will be fine + And if you will be my valentine + I will try and show you a good time._ + +Well after I had wrote it I thought I better have it fixed up like a +valentine and they's one of the boys in our Co. named Stoops that use to +be a artist so I had him draw me a couple of hearts with a bow and arrow +sticking through them and a few flowers on a peace of card board and +I coppied off the valentine on the card in printing and stuck it in a +envelope and took it over to her and I didn't wait for her to open it up +and look at it and I just says here is that valentine I promised you and +its 1 day late and she blushed up and couldn't say nothing and I come away. +Well Al she has read it by this time and I hope she don't take nothing +I said serious but of course she knows I am a married man and she can +read between the lines and see where I am trying to let her down easy and +telling her to not expect no more tensions from me and its just like saying +good by to her in a way only not as rough as comeing right out and saying +it. But I won't see her no more and its all over before it begun you might +say. + +Well we passed some German prisoners today and believe me we give them a +ride. Everybody called them Heinie and Fritz and I seen one of them giveing +me a look like he was wondring if all the U. S. soldiers was big stroppers +like I but I stuck out my tongue at him and said "What do you think you are +looking at you big pretzel" and he didn't dast say nothing back. Well they +was a fine looking gang and they's been a lot of storys going the rounds +about no soap in Germany. Well Al its all true. + +Well I finely got a letter from Florrie that is if you could call it a +letter and to read it you wouldn't never guess that she had a husband over +here in France and maybe never see him again but you would think I had went +across the st. to get a bottle of ketchup and all as she said about little +Al was that he needed a new pair of shoes and they's about as much news in +that as if she said he woke up in the night. And the rest of the letter +was about how good she was doing in the beauty parlor and for me not to +worry about her because she was O. K. only for a callous on her heel and I +suppose she will go to the hospital with it and here I am with so many of +them that if they was worth a frank a peace I could pay the Kaiser's gas +bill. And she never asked me did I need anything or how was I getting +along. And she enclosed a snapshot of herself in one of these here war +bride outfits and she looks so good in it that I bet she goes to church +every Sunday and asks god to prolongate the war. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, Feb. 16._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al they's a certain bird in this camp that if I ever find +out who he is they won't need no tonnages to carry him back when the war's +over. Let me tell you what come off tonight and what was pulled off on the +little lady and I and if you read about me getting in front of the court +marshall for murder you will know how it come off. + +I guess I all ready told you about the show that was comeing off tonight +and they asked me to make a little talk on baseball. Well they was as many +there as could crowd in and the band played and they was singing and gags +and storys and etc. and they didn't call on me till pretty near the last. +Well Al you ought to of heard the crowd when I got up there and it sounded +like old times to have them all cheering and clapping and I stepped to the +front of the platform and give them a bow and it was the first time I was +ever on the stage but I wasn't scared only at first. + +Well I had wrote out what I was going to say and learnt the most of it by +heart and here is what I give them only I won't give you only part of it +because it run pretty long. + +"Gentlemen and friends. I am no speech maker and I guess if I had to make +speeches for a liveing I am afraid I couldn't do it but the boys is anxious +I should say a few words about baseball and I didn't want to disappoint +them. They may be some of you boys that has not followed the great American +game very close and maybe don't know who Jack Keefe is. Well gentlemen I +was boughten from Terre Haute in the Central League by that grand old Roman +Charley Comiskey owner of the Chicago White Sox in 1913 and I been in the +big league ever since except one year I was with Frisco and I stood that +league on their head and Mr. Comiskey called me back and I was still +starring with the Chicago White Sox when Uncle Sam sent out the call for +men and I quit the great American game to enlist in the greatest game of +all the game we are playing against the Kaiser and we will win this game +like I have win many a game of baseball because I was to fast for them and +used my brains and it will be the same with the Kaiser and America will +fight to the drop of the hat and make the world safe for democracy." + +Well Al I had to stop 2 or 3 minutes while they give me a hand and they +clapped and hollered at pretty near everything I said. So I said "This +war reminds me a good deal like a incident that happened once when I was +pitching against the Detroit club. No doubt you gentlemen and officers has +heard of the famous Hughey Jennings and his eeyah and on the Detroit club +is also the famous Tyrus Cobb the Georgia Peach as he is called and I want +to pay him a tribute right here and say he is one of the best ball players +in the American League and a great hitter if you don't pitch just right to +him. One time we was in Detroit for a serious of games and we had loose the +first two games do to bad pitching and the first game Eddie Cicotte didn't +have nothing and the second game Faber was in the same boat so on this +morning I refer to Manager Rowland come up to me in the lobby of the Tuller +hotel and said how do you feel Jack and I said O. K. Clarence why do you +ask? And he said well we have loose 2 games here and we have got to grab +this one this P. M. and if you feel O. K. I will work you because I know +you have got them licked as soon as you walk out there. So I said all right +Clarence you can rely on me. And that P. M. I give them 3 hits and shut +them out and Cobb come up in the ninth innings with two men on bases and +two men out and Ray Schalk our catcher signed me for a curve ball but I +shook my head and give him my floater and the mighty Cobb hit that ball on +a line to our right fielder Eddie Murphy and the game was over. + +"This war is a good deal like baseball gentlemen because it is stratejy +that wins and no matter how many soldiers a gen. has got he won't get +nowheres without he uses his brains and its the same in baseball and the +boys that stays in the big league is the boys that can think and when this +war is over I hope to go back and begin where I left off and win a pennant +for Charley Comiskey the old Roman in the American League." + +Well Al they was a regular storm when I got through and I bowed and give +them a smile and started off of the platform but a sargent named Avery +from our Co. stopped me and set me down in a chair and says I was to +wait a minute and I thought of course they was going to give me a cup or +something though I didn't expect nothing of the kind but I hadn't no sooner +set down when Sargent Avery stepped up to the front of the platform and +says "Gentlemen I want to say to you that Private Jack Keefe the great +stratejest is not only a great pitcher and a great speech maker but he +is also a great poet and if you don't believe me I will read you this +beautiful valentine that he wrote to a certain lady that we all admire and +who was in the Red X canteen up till today when she went back to Paris to +resume other dutys." + +Well before I could make a move he read that crazy valentine and of course +they wasn't a word in it that I was serious when I wrote it and it was all +a joke with me only not exactly a joke neither because I was really trying +to let the little lady down easy and tell her good by between the lines +without being rough with it. But of course these boobs pretended like they +thought I meant it all and was love sick or something and they hollered +like a bunch of Indians and clapped and razed he--ll. + +Well Al I didn't get a chance to see Sargent Avery after it was over +because he blowed right out but I will see him tomorrow and I will find out +from him who stole that poem from Miss Moselle and I wouldn't be supprised +if the reason she blowed to Paris was on acct. of missing the poem and +figureing some big bum had stole it off her and they would find out her +secret and make things misable for her and the chances is that's why she +blowed. Well wait till I find out who done it and they will be one less +snake in this regt. and the sooner you weed those kind of birds out of the +army you will get somewheres and if you don't you won't. + +But the poor little lady Al I can't help from feeling sorry for her and +I only wished I could go to Paris and find her and tell her to not worry +though of course its best if she don't see me again but I'm sorry it had +to come off this way. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, Feb. 18._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al this may be the last letter you will ever get from me +because I am waiting now to find out what they are going to do with me and +I will explain what I mean. + +Yesterday A. M. I seen Sargent Avery and I asked him if I could talk to him +a minute and he says yes and I said I wanted to find out from him who stole +that valentine from Miss Moselle. So he says "Who is Miss Moselle?" So I +said "Why that little lady in the canteen that's blowed to Paris." So he +says "Well that little lady's name isn't Miss Moselle but her name is Ruth +Palmer and she is the daughter of one of the richest birds in N. Y. city +and they wasn't nobody stole no valentine from her because she give the +valentine to me before she left." So I said "What do you mean she give it +to you?" So he says "I mean she give it to me and when she give it to me +she said us birds was in the same Co. with a poet and didn't know it and +she thought it was about time we was finding it out. So she laughed and +give me the valentine and that's the whole story." + +Well Al I had a 20 frank note on me and I asked Sargent Avery if he +wouldn't like some champagne and he said no he wouldn't. But that didn't +stop me Al and I got all I could hold onto and then some and I snuck in +last night after lights out and I don't know if anybody was wise or not but +if they are its libel to go hard with me and Capt. Seeley said something +about the fireing squad for the next bird that cut loose. + +Well I reported sick this A. M. and they could tell to look at me that +it wasn't no stall so I'm here and the rest of the boys is gone and I am +waiting for them to summons me before the court marshall. But listen Al if +they do like Capt. Seeley said you can bet that before they get me I will +get some of these birds that's been calling me Private Valentine ever since +Saturday night. + +Your pal, JACK. + + + + +CHAPTER III + +STRAGETY AND TRAGEDY + + +_Somewheres in France, March 2. + +FRIEND AL_: Well Al if it rains a couple more days like its been they +will half to page the navy and at that its about time they give them +something to do and I don't mean the chasers and destroyers and etc. that +acts like convoys for our troop ships and throws them death bombs at the +U boats but I mean the big battle ships and I bet you haven't heard of a +supper dread 0 doing nothing since we been in the war and they say they +can't do nothing till the German navy comes out and that's what they're +waiting for. Well Al that's a good deal like waiting for the 30nd. of Feb. +or for Jennings to send his self up to hit for Cobb and they can say all +they want about the Germans being bullet proof from the neck up but they +got some brains and you can bet their navy ain't comeing out no more then +my hair. So as far as I can see a man being on a supper dread 0 is just +like you owned a private yatch without haveing to pay for the keep up and +when they talk about a man on a big U. S. battle ship in danger they mean +he might maybe die because he eat to much and no exercise. + +So if I was them I would send the big ships here so as we could use them +for motor Lauras and I guess they's no place in our whole camp where you +couldn't float them and I don't know how it is all over France but if they +was a baseball league between the towns where they have got us billeted the +fans would get blear eyed looking at the no game sign and if a mgr. worked +their pitchers in turn say it was my turn tomorrow and the next time my +turn come around some of little Al's kids would half to help me out of the +easy chair and say "Come on granpa you pitch this afternoon." + +Jokeing a side Al if I was running the training camps like Camp Grant back +home instead of starting the men off with the regular drills and hikes like +they give them now I would stand them under a shower bath with their close +on about 1/2 the time and when it come time for a hike I would send them +back and fourth across Rock River and back where they wasn't no bridge. And +then maybe when they got over here France wouldn't be such a big supprise. + +One of the boys has put a sign up on our billet and it says Noahs Ark on it +and maybe you have heard that old gag Al about the big flood that everybody +was drownded only Noah and his folks and a married couple of every kind of +animals in the world and they wasn't drownded because Noah had a Ark for +them to get in out of the wet. Well Noahs Ark is a good name for our dump +and believe me they haven't none of the animals been overlooked and we are +also going Noah one better and sheltering all the bugs and some of them is +dressed in cocky. + +Well I am in this war to the finish and you couldn't hire me to quit till +we have ran them ragged but I wished they had of gave us steel helmets wide +enough so as they would make a bumber shoot and I hope the next war they +have they will pick out Arizona to have it there. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, March 6._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al I suppose you have read in the communicates that comes +out in the paper where the Americans that's all ready in the trenchs has +pulled off some great stuff and a whole lot of them has been sighted and +give meddles and etc. by the Frenchmens for what they have pulled off +and the way they work it Al when one of the soldiers wrists his life or +something and pulls off something big like takeing a mess of prisoners and +bringing them back here where they can get something to eat the French +pins a meddle on them and sometimes they do it if you don't do nothing but +die only then of course they send it to your family so as they will have +something to show their friends besides snapshots of Mich. City. + +Well we was kidding back and fourth about it today and one of the smart +alex in our Co. a bird named Johnny Alcock that is always trying to kid +somebody all the time he said to me "Well I suppose they will half to build +more tonnages to carry all the meddles you will win back to the states." So +I said "Well I guess I will win as many of them as you will win." That shut +him up for a wile but finely he says "You have got enough chest to wear +a whole junk shop on it." So I said "Well I am not the baby that can't +win them." So he says "If you ever happen to be snooping around the bosh +trenchs when Fritz climbs over the top you will come back so fast that the +Kaiser will want to know who was that speed merchant that led the charge +and decorate you with a iron cross." So I said "I will decorate you right +in the eye one of these days." So he had to shut up and all the other boys +give him the laugh. + +Well Al jokeing to one side if I half to go back home without a meddle it +will be because they are playing favorites but I guess I wouldn't be left +out at that because I stand ace high with most of the Frenchmens around +here because they like a man that's always got a smile or a kind word for +them and they would like me still better yet if they could understand more +English and get my stuff better but it don't seem like they even try to +learn and I suppose its because they figure the war is in their country +so everybody should ought to talk their language but when you get down to +cases they's a big job on both our hands and if one of us has got to talk +the others language why and the he--ll should they pick on the one that's +hard to learn it and besides its 2 to I you might say because the U. S. and +the English uses the same language and they's nobody only the French that +talks like they do because they couldn't nobody else talk that way so why +wouldn't it be the square thing for them to forget theirs and tackle ours +and it would prolongate their lifes to do it because most of their words +can't be said without straining yourself and no matter what kind of a +physic you got its bound to wear you down in time. + +But I suppose the French soldiers figure they have got enough of a job on +their hands remembering their different uniforms and who to salute and etc. +and they have got a fine system in the French army Al because you wear +whatever you was before you got to be what you are that is sometimes. For +inst. suppose you use to be in the artillery and now you are a aviator you +still wear a artillery uniform part of the time and its like I use to pitch +for the White Sox and I guess I would be a pretty looking bird if I waddled +around in the mire here a wile with my old baseball unie on me and soon +people would begin to think I was drafted from the Toledo Mud Hens. + +Seriously Al sometimes you see 4 or 5 French officers comeing along and +they haven't one of them got the same color uniform on but they are all +dressed up like a Roman candle you might say and if their uniforms run when +they got wet a man could let them drip into a pail and drink it up for a +pussy cafe. + +Well Al the boys in our regt. is going to get out a newspaper and get it +out themself and it will be just the news about our regt. and a few gags +and comical storys about the different boys and they are going to get it +out once per wk. + +Corp. Pierson from our Co. that use to work on a newspaper somewheres is +going to be the editor and he wants I should write them up something about +baseball and how to pitch and etc. but I don't believe in a man waisting +their time on a childs play like writeing up articles for a newspaper but +just to stall him I said I would try and think up something and give it to +him when I had it wrote up. Well him waiting for my article will be like +me waiting for mail because I don't want nobody to take me for a newspaper +man because I seen enough of them in baseball and one time we was playing +in Phila. and I had them shut out up to the 8th inning and all of a sudden +Weaver and Collins got a stroke of paralysis and tipped their caps to a +couple ground balls that grazed their shoe laces and then Rube Oldring +hit one on a line right at Gandil and he tried to catch it on the bounce +off his lap and Bill Dinneen's right arm was lame and he begin calling +everything a ball and first thing you know they beat us 9 to 2 or something +and Robbins one of the Chi paper reporters that traveled with us wired a +telegram home to his paper that Phila. was supposed to be a town where a +man could get plenty of sleep but I looked like I had set up all the nights +we was there and of course Florrie seen it in the paper and got delirious +and I would of busted Robbins in the jaw only I wasn't sure if he realy +wrote it that way or the telegraph operator might of balled it up. + +So they won't be no newspaper articles in mine Al but I will be anxious to +see what Pierson's paper looks like when it comes out and I bet it will be +a fine paper if our bunch have the writeing of it because the most of them +would drop in a swoon if you asked them how to spell their name. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, March 9._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al I guess I all ready told you about them getting up +a newspaper in our regt. and Joe Pierson asked me would I write them +up something for it and I told him no I wouldn't but it seems like he +overheard me and thought I said I would so any way he was expecting +something from me so last night I wrote them up something and I don't know +if the paper will ever get printed or not so I will coppy down a part of +what I wrote to give you a idear of what I wrote. He wanted I should write +them up something about the stragety of baseball and where it was like the +stragety in the war because one night last month I give them a little talk +at one of their entertainments about how the man that used their brains in +baseball was the one that win just like in the army but I guess I all ready +told you about me giveing them that little talk and afterwards I got a +skinfull of the old grape and I thought sure they would have me up in front +of the old court marshall but they never knowed the difference on acct. of +the Way I can handle it and you take the most of the boys and if they see +a cork they want to kiss the Colonel. Well any way here is the article I +wrote up and I called it War and Baseball 2 games where brains wins. + +"The gen. public that go out to the baseball park and set through the games +probably think they see everything that is going on on the field but they's +a lot of stuff that goes on on the baseball field that the gen. public +don't see and don't know nothing about and I refer to what we baseball boys +calls inside baseball. + +"No one is in a better position to know all about inside baseball then a +man like I who have been a pitcher in the big league because it is the +pitchers that has to do most of the thinking and pull off the smart plays +that is what wins ball games. For inst. I will write down about a little +incidents that come off one time 2 yrs. ago when the Boston club was +playing against the Chicago White Sox where I was one of the stars when +the U. S. went into the war and then I dropped baseball and signed up a +contract with Uncle Sam to play for my country in the big game against the +Kaiser of Germany. This day I refer to I was in there giveing them the best +I had but we was in a tight game because the boys was not hitting behind me +though Carl Mays that was pitching for the Boston club didn't have nothing +on the ball only the cover and after the ball left his hand you could have +ran in the club house and changed your undershirt and still be back in time +to swing when the ball got up there. + +"Well it come along the 9th. inning and we was tied up with the score 2 and +2 and I had Larry Gardner swinging like a hammock all day but this time he +hit a fly ball that either Weaver or Jackson ought to of caught in a hollow +tooth but they both layed down and died on it and Gardner got on second +base. Well they was 2 men out and Hoblitzel was the next man up and the +next man after he was Scott their shortstop that couldn't take the ball +in his hand and make a base hit off a man like I so instead of me giveing +Hobby a ball to hit I walked him as we call it and then of course it was +Scott's turn to bat and Barry their mgr. hesitated if he should send Ruth +up to hit for Scott or not but finely he left Scott go up there and he was +just dragging his bat off his shoulder to swing at the first strike when I +whizzed the third one past him. + +"That is what we call inside baseball or stragety whether its in baseball +or war is walking a man like Hoblitzel that might be lucky enough to hit +one somewheres but if you don't give him nothing to hit how can he hit it +and then I made Scott look like he had been sent for but couldn't come. +Afterwards in the 11th. inning Duffy Lewis hit a ball that he ought to of +been traded for even swinging at it because it come near clipping his ear +lob but any way he swang at it and hit it for three bases because Jackson +layed down and died going after it and Lewis scored on a past ball and they +beat us 3 to 2. + +"So that is what we call stragety on the baseball field and it wins there +the same like in war and this war will be win by the side that has gens. +with brains and use them and I figure where a man that has been in big +league baseball where you can't never make a success out of it unless you +are a quick thinker and they have got a big advantage over men that's been +in other walks of life where its most all luck and I figure the army would +be a whole lot better off if all the officers and gens. had of played +baseball in the big leagues and learned to think quick, but of course they +ain't everybody that have got the ability to play baseball and stand the +gaff but the man that has got the ability and been through the ropes is +just that much ahead of the rest of them and its to bad that most of our +gens. is so old that they couldn't of knew much about baseball since it +become a test of brains like it is now. + +"I am afraid I have eat up a lot of space with my little Article on War +and Baseball so I will end this little article up with a little comical +incidents that happened dureing our training trip down in Mineral Wells, +Tex. a year ago this spring. The first day we was out for practice they +was a young outfielder from a bush league and Mgr. Rowland told him to go +out in right field and shag and this was his reply. 'I haven't never been +in this park before so you will half to tell me which is right field.' Of +course right field, is the same field in all parks and that is what made +the incidents so comical and some of the boys is certainly green when they +first break in and we have manys the laugh at their expense." + +That is what I wrote up for them Al and I wound it up with that little +story and I was reading over what I wrote and Johnny Alcock seen me reading +it and asked me to leave him see it so I showed it to him and he said it +was great stuff and he hadn't never dreamt they was that much stragety in +baseball and he thought if some of the officers seen it they would pop +their eyes out and they would want to talk to me and get my idears and see +if maybe they couldn't some of them be plied to war fair and maybe if I +showed them where it could I would get promoted and stuck on to the gen. +staff that's all made up from gens. that lays out the attacks and etc. + +Well Al Alcock is a pretty wise bird and a fine boy to if you know how to +take him and he seen right off what I was getting at in my article and +its true Al that the 2 games is like the other and quick thinking is what +wins in both of them. But I am not looking for no staff job that you don't +half to go up in the trenchs and fight but just lay around in some office +somewheres and stick pins in a map while the rest of the boys is sticking +bayonets in the Dutchmen's maps so I hope they don't none of the gens. see +what I wrote because I come over here to fight and be a soldier and carry a +riffle instead of a pin cushion. + +But it don't hurt nothing for me to give them a few hints once in a wile +about useing their brains if they have got them and if I can do any good +with my articles in the papers why I would just as leaf wear my fingers to +the bone writeing them up. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, March 13._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al I bet you will pretty near fall over in a swoon when +you read what I have got to tell you. Before you get this letter you will +probably all ready of got a coppy of the paper I told you about because it +come out the day before yesterday and I sent you a coppy with my article in +it only they cut a part of it out on acct. of not haveing enough space for +all of it but they left the best part of it in. + +Well Al somebody must of a sent a coppy to Gen. Pershing and marked up +what I wrote up so as he would be sure and see it and probably one of the +officers done it. Well that's either here or there but this afternoon when +we come in they was a letter for me and who do you think it was from Al. +Well you can't never even begin to guess so I will tell you. It was from +Gen. Pershing Al and it come from Paris where he is at and I have got it +here laying on the table and I would send it to you to look at only I +wouldn't take no chances of looseing it and I don't mean you wouldn't be +carefull of it Al but of course the mail has got to go across the old pond +and if the Dutchmens periscoped the boat the letter was on it it would be +good night letter and a letter like this here is something to be proud of +and hold onto it and keep it for little Al till he grows up big enough +to appreciate it. But they's nothing to prevent me from copping down the +letter so as you can read what it says and here it is. + +PRIVATE KEEFE, + +_Dear Sir_: My attention was called today to an article written by you +in your regimental paper under the title War and Baseball: Two Games Where +Brains Wins. In this article you state that our generals would be better +able to accomplish their task if they had enjoyed the benefits of strategic +training in baseball. I have always been a great admirer of the national +game of baseball and I heartily agree with what you say. But unfortunately +only a few of us ever possessed the ability to play your game and the few +never were proficient enough to play it professionally. Therefore the +general staff is obliged to blunder along without that capacity for quick +thinking which is acquired only on the baseball field. + +But I believe in making use of all the talent in my army, even among the +rank and file. Therefore I respectfully ask whether you think some of your +baseball secrets would be of strategic value to us in the prosecution of +this war and if so whether you would be willing to provide us with the +same. + +If it is not too much trouble, I would be pleased to hear from you along +these lines, and if you have any suggestion to make regarding a campaign +against our enemy, either offensive or defensive, I would be pleased to +have you outline it in a letter to me. + +By the way I note with pleasure that our first names are the same. It makes +a sort of bond between us which I trust will be further cemented if you can +be of assistance to me in my task. + +I shall eagerly await your reply. Sincerely, + +BLACK JACK PERSHING, + +Folies Bergere, Paris, France. + +That is the letter I got from him Al and I'll say its some letter and I +bet if some of these smart alex officers seen it it would reduce some of +the swelling in their chest but I consider the letter confidential Al and +I haven't showed it to nobody only 3 or 4 of my buddys and I showed it to +Johnny Alcock and he popped his eyes out so far you could of snipped them +off with a shears. And he said it was a cinch that Pershing realy wrote it +on acct. of him signing it Black Jack Pershing and they wouldn't nobody +else sign it that way because it was a private nickname between he and some +of his friends and they wouldn't nobody else know about it. + +So then he asked was I going to answer the letter and I said of course I +was and he says well I better take a whole lot of pains with my answer and +study up the situation before I wrote it and put some good idears in it +and if my letters made a hit with Gen. Pershing the next thing you know he +would probably summons me to Paris and maybe stick me on the war board so +as all I would half to do would be figure up plans of attacks and etc. and +not half to go up in the trenchs and wrist my life and probably get +splattered all over France. + +So I said "Well I am not looking for no excuse to get out of the trenchs +but its just the other way and I am nuts to get in them." So he says "You +must be." But he showed me where it would be a great experience to set in +at them meetings even if I didn't have much to say and just set there and +listen and hear their plans and what's comeing off and besides I would get +a chance to see something of Paris and it don't look like none of us only +the officers would be give leave to go there but of course I would go if +Black Jack wanted me and after all Al I am here to give Uncle Sam the best +I have got and if I can serve the stars and strips better by sticking pins +in a map then getting in the trenchs why all right and it takes more than +common soldiers to win a war and if I am more use to them as a kind of +adviser instead of carrying a bayonet why I will sacrifice my own feelings +for the good of the cause like I often done in baseball. + +But they's another thing Alcock told me Al and that is that the war board +they have got has got gens. on it from all the different countrys like the +U. S. and England and France and Spain and of course they are more French +gens. than anything else on acct. of the war being here in France so +probably they do some of their talking in French and Alcock says if he was +I he would get busy and try and learn enough French so as I could make +myself understood when I had something to say and of course they probably +won't nothing come out of it all but still and all I always says its best +to be ready for whatever comes off and if the U. S. had of been ready for +this war I wouldn't be setting here writeing this letter now but I would be +takeing a plunge in one of them Berlin brewry vats. + +Any way I have all ready picked enough French so as I can talk it pretty +good and I would be O. K. if I could understand it when they are talking it +off but to hear them talk it off you would think they seen their dinner at +the end of the sentence. + +Well Al I will tell you how things comes out and I hope Black Jack will +forget all about it and lay off me so as I can get into the real fighting +instead of standing in front of a map all the wile like a school teacher or +something and I all most wished I hadn't never wrote that article and then +of course the idear wouldn't of never came to Black Jack that I could help +him but if he does take me on his staff it will be some pair of Jacks eh Al +and enough to open the pot and if the Germans is sucker enough to stay in +they will get their whiskers cinched. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, March 14._ + +FRIEND AL: Well this is the second letter I have wrote today and the other +one is to Gen. Pershing and I have still got the letter here yet Al and I +will coppy it down and tell you what I wrote to him. + +GEN. JACK PERSHING, + +Care Folies Bergere, Paris, France. + +_Dear Gen_: You can bet I was supprised to get a letter from you and +when I wrote that article I didn't have no idear that they would something +come out of it. Well Gen. I come into the army expecting to fight and lay +down my life if nessary and I am not one of the kind that are looking for +an out and trying to hide behind a desk or something because I am afraid to +go into the trenchs but I guess if you know something about baseball you +won't accuse me from not having the old nerve because they can't no man +hold onto a job in the big leagues unless a man is fearless and does their +best work under fire and especially a pitcher. But if you figure that I +can serve old glory better some other way then in the rank and files I am +willing to sacrifice myself like I often done in baseball. Anything to win +Gen. is the way I look at it. + +You asked me in your letter did I think some of my idears would help out +well gen. a man don't like to sound like they was bragging themself up but +this isn't no time for monking and I guess you want the truth. Well gen. I +don't know much about running a army and their plans but stragety is the +same if its on the battle field or the baseball diamond you might say and +it just means how can we beat them and I often say that the men that can +use their brains will win any kind of a game except maybe some college +Willy boy game like football or bridge whist. + +Well gen. without no bragging myself up I learned a whole lot about +stragety on the baseball field and I think I could help you in a good many +ways but before I tried to tell you how to do something I would half to +know what you was trying to do and of course I know you can't tell me in +a letter on acct. of the censors and of course they are Americans to but +they's a whole lot of the boys that don't mean no harm but they are gabby +and can't keep their mouth shut and who knows who would get a hold of it +and for the same reason I don't feel like I should give you any of my +idears by mail but if I could just see you and we could have a little talk +and talk things over but I don't suppose they's any chance of that unless I +could get leave off to run down to Paris for a wile and meet you somewheres +but they won't give us no leave to go to Paris but of course a letter from +you that I could show it to Capt. Seeley would fix it up and no questions +asked. + +So I guess I better wait till I hear from you along these lines and in the +mean wile I will be thinking the situation over and see what I can think up +and I all ready got some idears that I feel like they would work out O. K. +and I hope I will get a chance in the near future to have a little chat +with you. + +I note what you say about our name being both Jack and I was thinking to +myself that lots of times in a poker game a pair of jacks is enough to win +and maybe it will be the same way in the war game and any way I guess the +2 of us could put up a good bluff and bet them just as if we had them. Eh +gen? + +Respy, JACK KEEFE. + +That's what I wrote to him Al and he will get it some time tomorrow or the +next day and I should ought to hear from him back right away and I hope +he will take my hint and leave me stay here with my regt. where I can see +some real action. But if he summonses me I will go Al and not whine about +getting a raw deal. + +Well I happened to drop into a estaminet here yesterday and that's kind of +a store where a man can buy stuff to take along with him or you can get a +cup of coffee or pretty near anything and they was a girl on the job in +there and she smiled when I come in and I smiled at her back and she seen +I was American so she begin talking to me in English only she has got some +brogue and its hard to make it out what she is trying to get at. Well we +talked a wile and all of a sudden the idear come to me that I and her could +hit it off and both do the other some good by her learning me French and +I could learn her English and so I sprung it on her and she was tickled +to death and we called it a bargain and tomorrow we are going to have our +first lessons and how is that Al for a bargain when I can pick up French +without it costing me a nickle and of course they won't be only time for I +or 2 lessons before I hear from Black Jack but I can learn a whole lot in +2 lessons if she will tend to business but the way she smiled at me when +I come out and the looks she give me I am afraid if she seen much of me +it would be good night so I will half to show her I won't stand for no +foolishness because I had enough flirtations Al and the next woman that +looks X eyed at me will catch her death of cold. + +Your pal, JACK. + +[Illustration: She smiled when I came in and I smiled back at her back] + + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, March 16._ + +FRIEND AL: Well old pal it looks like they wouldn't be no front line +trenchs for this baby and what I am getting at is that the word was past +around today that Black Jack himself is comeing and they isn't no faulse +alarm about it because Capt. Seeley told us himself and said Gen. Pershing +would be here in a day or 2 to overlook us and he wanted that everybody +should look their best and keep themself looking neat and clean and clean +up all the billets and etc. because that was what Gen. Pershing was comeing +to see, how we look and how we are getting along and etc. + +Well Al that's what Capt. Seeley said but between you and I they's another +reason why he is comeing and I guess he figures they will be a better +chance to talk things over down here then if I was to go to Paris and I am +not the only one that knows why he is comeing because after supper Alcock +called me over to I side and congratulated me and said it looked like I was +in soft. + +Well I will be ready for him when he comes and I will be ready to pack up +and blow out of here at a minute's notice and I can't help from wondring +what some of these smart alex officers will say when they see what's +comeing off. So this won't be only a short letter Al because I have got a +lot to do to get ready and what I am going to do is write down some of my +idears so as I can read them off to him when he comes and if I didn't have +them wrote down I might maybe get nervous when I seen him and maybe forget +what I got to say because the boys says he's a tough bird for a man to see +for the first time till you get to know him and he acts like he was going +to eat you alive but he's a whole lot like a dog when you get to know him +and his bark is worse then a bite. + +Well Al how is that for news and I guess you will be prouder then ever of +your old pal before this business gets over with and I would feel pretty +good with everything breaking so good only I am getting worred about +Ernestine that little French gal in the estaminet and I wished now I hadn't +never seen her or made no bargain with her and I didn't do it so much for +what I could learn off of her but these French gals Al has had a tough time +of it and if a man can bring a little sunshine into their life he wouldn't +be a man unless he done it. So I was just trying to be a good fellow and +here is what I get for it because I caught her today Al with that look in +her eye that I seen in so many of them and I know what it means and I guess +about the best thing for me to do is run away from Gen. Pershing and go +over the top or something and leave the boshs shoot my nose off or mess me +up some way and then maybe I won't get pestered to death every time I try +and be kind to some little gal. + +I guess the French lessons will half to be cut out because it wouldn't be +square to leave her see me again and it would be different if I could tell +her I am married but I don't know the French terms for it and besides it +don't seem to make no difference to some of them and the way they act you +would think a wife was just something that come out on you like a sty and +the best way to do was just to forget it. + +Well Al as I say I caught her looking at me like it was breaking her heart +and I wouldn't be supprised if she cried after I come away, but what can +a man do about it Al and I have got a good notion to wear my gas mask +everywhere I go and then maybe I will have a little peace once in a wile. + +I must close now for this time and get busy on some idears so as Black Jack +won't catch me flat footed but I guess they's no danger of that eh Al? + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, March 18._ + +FRIEND AL: Well old pal I am all set for Gen. Pershing when he comes and I +have got some of my idears wrote down just the bear outlines of them and +when he asks me if I have got any I can just read them off from my notes +like I was a lecture and here is a few of the notes I have got wrote down +so you can get some idear of what I am going to spring on him. + +1 + +In baseball many big league mgrs. before a game they talk it over in the +club house with their men and disgust the weakness of the other club and +how is the best way to beat them and etc. For inst. when I was pitching +for the White Sox and suppose we was going to face a pitcher that maybe he +was weak on fielding bunts so before the game Mgr. Rowland would say to us +"Remember boys this baby so and so gets the rabbis if you lay down bunts +on him." So we would begin laying them down on him and the first thing you +know he would be frothing at the mouth and triping all over himself and +maybe if he did finely get a hold of the ball he would throw it into the +Southren League or somewheres and before the other mgr. could get another +bird warmed up they would half to hire a crossing policeman to straiten out +the jam at the plate. And the same thing would be in war like in baseball +and instead of a army going into it blind you might say, why the gens. +ought to get together before the battle and fix it up to work on the other +side's weakness. For inst. suppose the Germans is weak on getting out of +the way of riffle bullets why that's the weapon to use on them and make a +sucker out of them. + +2 + +Getting the jump on your oppts. is more then 1/2 the battle whether its in +the war or on the baseball field and many a game has been win by getting +the jump on your oppts. For inst. that reminds me of a little incidents +that happened one day when we was playing the Washington club and I was +pitching against the notorious Walter Johnson and before they was a man out +Geo. McBride booted one and Collins and Jackson got a couple hits and we +was 2 runs to the good before they was a man out. Well Johnson come back +pretty good and the rest of the game the boys acted like they was scared of +him and kept one foot in the water bucket but we would of win the game at +that only in the 9th. inning Schalk dropped a third strike on me and Judge +and Milan hit a couple of fly balls that would of been easy outs only for +the wind but the wind raised havioc with the ball and they both went for +hits and they beat us 3 to 2 and that's the kind of luck I genally always +had against the Washington club. + +3 + +In baseball of course they's only nine men on a side and that is where a +gen. in the war has got the advantage on a mgr. in baseball because they's +no rules in war fair to keep a man from useing all the men he feels like +so it looks to me like a gen. had all the best of it because suppose the +other side only had say 50 thousand men in a certain section they's nothing +to prevent a gen. from going after them with a 100 thousand men and if he +can't run them ragged when you got to them 2 to I its time to enlist in the +G. A. R. All though as I say a mgr. can't only use nine men at a time in +baseball, but at that I know of incidents where a mgr. has took advantage +of the oppts. being shy of men and one time the St. Louis club came to Chi +and Jones was all crippled up for pitchers but the game was on our home +grounds so it was up to Mgr. Rowland to say if the game should be played +or if he should call it off on acct. of cold weather because it was in the +spring. But he knowed Jones was shy of pitchers so he made him play the +game and Jones used big Laudermilk to pitch against us and they beat us +5 and 2. + +4 + +Another advantage where a gen. got it on a baseball mgr. because in +baseball the game begins at 3 o'clock and the other club knows when its +going to begin just the same as your club so they can't neither club beat +the other one to it and start the game wile the other club is looking out +the window. + +But a gen. don't half to tell the other side when he is going to attack +them but of course they have observers that can see when you are going to +get ready to pull something. But it looks to me like the observers wouldn't +be worth a hoop and he--ll if the other gen. made his preparations at night +when it was dark like bringing up the troops and artilery and supplys and +etc. and in that way you could take them by supprise and make them look +like a fool, like in baseball I have often crossed the batter up and one +day I had Cobb 3 and 2 and he was all set to murder a fast one and I dinked +a slow one up there to him and the lucky stiff hit it on the end of his bat +just inside third base and 2 men scored on it. + + * * * * * + +That's about the idears I am going to give him Al only of course I can talk +it off better then I can write it because wile I am talking I can think up +a lot more incidents to tell him and him being a baseball fan he will set +there pop eyed with his mouth open as long as I want to talk. But now I +can't hardly wait for him to get here Al and it seems funny to think that +here I am a $30 dollar a mo. doughboy and maybe in a few days I will be on +the staff and they don't have nobody only officers and even a lieut. gets 5 +or 6 times as much as a doughboy and how is that for a fine nickname Al for +men that all the dough they are getting is a $1 per day and the pollutes +only gets 2 Sues a day and that's about 2 cents so I suppose we ought to +call them the Wall St. crowd. + +Well Al you should ought to be thankfull you are there at home with your +wife where you can watch her and keep your eyes on her and find out what +she is doing with her spare time though I guess at that they wouldn't be +much danger of old Bertha running a muck and I don't suppose she would half +to wear bob wire entanglements to keep Jack the Kisser away but when a man +has got a wife like Florrie and here I am over here and there she is over +there well Al a man don't get to sleep no quicker nights from thinking +about it and I lay there night after night and wonder what and the he--ll +can she be doing and she might be doing most anything Al and they's only +the one thing that its a cinch she ain't doing and that's writeing a letter +to me and a man would pretty near think she had forgot my first name but +even at that she could set down and write to me and start it out Dear +Husband. + +But the way she acts why even if they was any fun over here I wouldn't be +haveing it and suppose I do get on Gen. Pershing's staff and get a lieut. +or something and write and tell her about it, why she would probably wait +till a legal holiday to answer me back and then she would write about 10 +words and say she went to the Palace last week and when she come out after +the show it was raining. + +Well Al you can't blame a man for anything he pulls off when their wife +acts like that and if I give that little Ernestine a smack the next time +she bulges her lips out at me whose fault is it Al? Not mine. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, March 20._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al the sooner the Germans starts their drive let them come +and I only hope we are up there when they start it and believe me Al if +they come at us with the gas I will dive into it with my mouth wide open +and see how much of it I can get because they's no use Al of a man trying +to live with the kind of luck I have got and I'm sick in tired of it all. + +Wait till you hear what come off today Al. In the first place my feet's +been going back on me for a long wile and they walked us all over France +yesterday and this A. M. I couldn't hardly get my shoes on and they was +going out for riffle practice and I don't need no riffle practice Al and +besides that I couldn't of stood it so I got excused and I set around a +wile after the rest of the bunch was gone and finely my feet got feeling a +little better and I walked over to the estaminet where that little gal's +at to see if maybe I couldn't brighten things up a little for her and sure +enough she was all smiles when she seen me and we talked a wile about this +in that and she tried to get personal and called me cherry which is like +we say dearie and finely I made the remark that I didn't think we would +be here much longer and then I seen she was going to blubber so I kind of +petted her hand and stroked her hair and she poked her lips out and I give +her a smack Al but just like you would kiss a kid or something after they +fell down and hurt themself. Well Al just as this was comeing off the door +to the other part of the joint opened up and in come her old man and seen +it and I thought all Frenchmens talked fast Al but this old bird made them +sound like a impediment and he come at me and if he hadn't been so old I +would of crowned him but of course I couldn't do nothing only let him rave +and finely I felt kind of sorry for him and I had a 20 frank note on me so +I shoved it at him and it struck him dumb Al and I got out of there and +come back to the Ark and it seems like I had been away a whole lot longer +then I meant to and any way I hadn't hardly no more then got my shoes off +and layed down when in come some of the boys. + +Well Al what do you think? Gen. Pershing was out there to the riffle +practice to overlook them and I suppose he heard we was going to be out +there and he went out there to be sure and catch me and he was makeing a +visit around the camp and instead of him stopping here he went out there to +see us and instead of me being out there Al, here I was mixed up in a riot +with an old goof over nothing you might say and Black Jack wondring where +and the he--ll could I be at because Alcock told me he noticed him looking +around like he mist somebody. And now he's on his way back to Paris and +probably sore as a boil and I can't do nothing only wait to hear from him +and probably he will just decide to pass me up. + +And the worst of it is Al that when they brought us the mail they was 2 +letters for me from Florrie and I couldn't of asked for nicer letters if I +had wrote them myself only why and the he--ll couldn't she of wrote them a +day sooner and I would of no more thought of getting excused today then fly +because if I had knew how my Mrs. mist me and how much she cares I wouldn't +of been waisting no time on no Ernestine but its to late now and Black +Jack's gone and so is my 20 franks and believe me Al 20 frank notes is tray +pew over here. I'll say they are. + +Your pal, JACK. + + + + +CHAPTER IV + +DECORATED + + +_Somewheres in France, April 2._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al yesterday was April Fool and you ought to seen what I +pulled on 1 of the boys Johnny Alcock and it was a screen and some of the +boys is still laughing over it yet but he is I of the kind that he can't +see a joke at their own expenses and he swelled up like a poison pup and +now he is talking about he will get even with me, but the bird that gets +even with me will half to get up a long time before revelry eh Al. + +Well Al I will tell you what I pulled on him and I bet you will bust your +sides. Well it seems like Johnny has got a girl in his home town Riverside, +Ill. near Chi and that is he don't know if he has got her or not because +him and another bird was both makeing a play for her, but before he come +away she told him to not worry, but the other bird got himself excused out +of the draft with a cold sore or something and is still there in the old +town yet where he can go and call on her every night and she is libel to +figure that maybe she better marry him so as she can have some of her +evenings to herself and any way she might as well of told Johnny to not +scratch himself over here as to not worry because for some reason another +the gal didn't write to him last month at lease he didn't get no letters +and maybe they got lost or she had writers cramps or something but any way +every time the mail come and nothing for him he looked like he had been +caught off second base. + +Well the day before yesterday he was reading 1 of the letters he got from +this baby 5 or 6 wks. ago on acct. of not haveing nothing better to read +and he left the envelope lay on the floor and I was going to hand it back +to him but I happened to think that yesterday would be April Fool so I kept +a hold of the envelope and I got a piece of paper and wrote April Fool on +it and stuck it in the envelope and fixed it up so as it would look like a +new letter and I handed it to him yesterday like it was mail that had only +just came for him and you ought to see him when he tore it open and didn't +find nothing only April Fool in it. At first he couldn't say nothing but +finely he says "That's some comedy Keefe. You ought to be a end man in the +stretcher bearers minstrels" and he didn't crack a smile so I said "What's +the matter with you can't you take a joke?" So he said "What I would like +to take is a crack at your jaw." So I said "Well it's to bad your arms is +both paralyzed." Well Al they's nothing the matter with his arms and I was +just kidding him because as far as him hitting anybody is conserned I was +just as safe as the gen. staff because he ain't much bigger than a cutie +and for him to reach my jaw he would half to join the aviation. + +Well of course he didn't start nothing but just said he would get back +at me if it took him till the duration of the war and I told some of the +other boys about putting it over on him and they couldn't hardly help from +smileing but he acts like a baby and don't speak to me and I suppose maybe +he thinks that makes me feel bad but I got to be 25 yrs. old before I ever +seen him and if his head was blowed off tomorrow A. M. I would try and show +up for my 3 meals a day if you could call them that. + +But speaking about April Fool Al I just stopped writeing to try and light +a cigarette with 1 of these here French matchs and every one of them is a +April Fool and I guess the parents of the kids over here don't never half +to worry about them smokeing to young because even if they had a box of +cigarettes hid in their cradle they would be of age before they would run +across a match that lit and I wouldn't be scared to give little Al a bunch +and turn him loose in a bbl. of gasoline. + +Well Al I suppose you been reading in the papers about the Dutchmens +starting a drive vs. the English up in the northren part of the section and +at first it looked like the English was going to leave them walk into the +Gulf Stream and scald themself to death, but now it seems like we have got +them slowed up at lease that's the dope we get here but for all the news +we get a hold of we might as well of jumped to the codfish league on the +way over and once in a wile some of the boys gets a U. S. paper a mo. old +but they hog onto it and don't leave nobody else see it but as far as I am +conserned they can keep it because I haven't no time to waist reading about +the Frisco fair or the Federal League has blowed up and etc. And of course +they's plenty of newspapers from Paris but all printed in la la la so as +every time you come to a word you half to rumage through a dictionary and +even when you run it down its libel to mean 20 different articles and by +the time you figured out whether they are talking about a st. car or a +hot bath or a raisin or what and the he--ll they are talking about they +wouldn't be no more news to it then the bible and it looks to me Al like +it would be a good idear if you was to drop me a post card when the war is +over so as I can tell Capt. Seeley or he will still be running us ragged to +get in shape a couple of yrs. after the last of the Dutchmens lays molting +in the grave. + +Jokeing to 1 side Al you probably know what's going on a long wile before +we do and the only chance we would have to know how a battle come out would +be if we was in it and they's no chance of that unless they send us up to +the northern part of the section to help out because Van Hindenburg must +have something under his hat besides bristles and he ain't a sucker enough +to start driveing vs. the front that we are behind it unless he is so +homesick that he can't stand it no longer in France. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, April 6._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al 1 of the Chi newspapers is getting out a paper in Paris +and printed in English and I just seen a copy of it where the Allys has +finely got wise to themself and made 1 man gen. of all the Allys and it was +a sucker play to not do that long ago only it looks to me like they pulled +another boner by makeing a Frenchman the gen. and I suppose they done it +for a complement to the Frenchmens on acct. of the war being here, but even +suppose this here Foch is a smart gen. and use his brains and etc. it looks +to me like it would of been a whole lot better to of picked out a man that +can speak English because suppose we was all in a big battle or something +and he wanted we should go over the top and if he said it in French why +most of the boys hasn't made no attempts to master the language and as far +as they was conserned he might as well be telling them to wash their neck. +Or else they would half to be interpeters to translate it out in English +what he was getting at and by the time he give the orders to fire and the +interpeter looked it up and seen what it meant in English and then tell +us about it the Dutchmens would be putting peep holes through us with a +bayonet and besides the French word for fire in English is feu in French +and you say it like it was few and if Gen. Foch yelled few we might think +he was complaining of the heat. + +But at that its better to have I man running it even a Frenchman then a lot +of different gens, telling us to do this in that and the other thing every +one of them different and suppose they done that in baseball Al and a club +had 3 or 4 mgrs. and suppose for inst. it come up to the 9th. inning and we +needed some runs and it was Benz's turn to hit and 1 mgr. would tell him to +go up and hit for himself and another mgr. would tell Murphy to go up and +hit for him and another mgr. would send Risberg up and another would send +Russell and the next thing you know they would be 2 of them swinging from 1 +side of the plate and 2 from the other side and probably busting each other +in the bean with their bats but you take most bird's beans and what would +break would be Mr. Bat. But its the same in war like in baseball and you +got to have 1 man running it. With a lot of different gens. in command, +1 of them might tell the men to charge while another was telling them to +pay cash. Jokeing to 1 side Al some of our boys have overtook a section +up along the Moose river and I wouldn't dast write about it only its been +printed in the papers all ready so I am not giveing away no secrets to the +Dutchmens. At lease they don't mind us writeing something that's came out +in the papers though as far as I can see how would the Dutchmens know it +any more if it was in the papers or not, because they ain't so choked with +jack over in Germany that they are going to spend it on U. S. papers a mo. +old and even when they got them they would half to find somebody that could +read English and hadn't been killed for it and it would be like as if I +should spend part of my $15 a mo. subscribeing to the Chop Suey Bladder +that you would half to lay on your stomach and hold it with your feet to +get it right side up and even then it wouldn't mean nothing. But any way +the Dutchmens is going to know sooner or later that we are in the war and +what's the differents if they meet us at the Moose or the Elks? Jokeing a +side Al I guess you won't be supprised to hear how I have picked up in the +riffle practice and I knew right along that I couldn't hardly help from +being a A No. 1 marksman because a man that had almost perfect control in +pitching you might say would be bound to shoot straight when they got the +hang of it and don't be supprised if I write you 1 of these days that I +been appointed a snipper that sets up in a tree somewheres and picks off +the boshs whenever they stick their head up and they call them snippers so +pretty soon my name is libel to be Jake Snipe instead of Jack Keefe, but +seriously Al I can pick off them targets like they was cherrys or something +and maybe I won't half to go in the trenchs at all. + +I guess I all ready told you about that little trick I pulled on Johnny +Alcock for a April Fool gag and at first he swelled up like a poison pup +and wouldn't talk to me and said he wouldn't never rest till he got even. +Well he finely got a real letter from the gal back home and she is still +waiting for him yet so he feels O. K. again and I and him are on speaking +turns again and I am glad to not be scraping with him because I don't never +feel right unless I am pals with everybody but they can't nobody stay sore +at me very long and even when some of the boys in baseball use to swell up +when I pulled 1 of my gags on them it wouldn't last long because I would +just smile at them and they would half to smile back and be pals and I +always say that if a man can't take a joke he better take acid or something +and make a corps out of himself instead of a monkey. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, April 11._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al I don't suppose you knew I was a detective but when it +comes to being a dick it looks like I don't half to salute Win. Burns or +Shylock or none of them. + +Seriously Al I come onto something today that may turn out to be something +big and then again it may not but it looks like it was something big only +of course it has got to be kept a secret till I get the goods on a certain +bird and I won't pull it till I have got him right and in that way he won't +suspect nothing until its to late. But I know you wouldn't breath a word +about it and besides it wouldn't hurt nothing if you did because by the +time you get this letter the whole thing will be over and this bird to who +I refer will probably own a peace of land in France with a 2 ft. frontidge +and 6 ft. deep. But you will wonder what am I trying to get at so maybe +I better explain myself. Well Al they's a big bird in our Co, name Geo. +Shaffer and that's a German name because look at Schaefer that use to play +ball in our league and it was spelt different but they called him Germany +and he thought he was funny and use to pull gags on the field but I guess +he didn't feel so funny the day Griffith sent him up to hit against me in +the pinch I day at Washington and if the ball he hit had of went straight +out instead of straight up it would of pretty near cleared the infield. But +any way this bird Shaffer in our Co. is big enough to have a corporal to +himself and they must of spent the first Liberty Loan on his uniform and +he hasn't hardly said a word since we been in France and for a wile we +figured it was just because he was a crab and to grouchy to talk, but now +I wouldn't be supprised Al if the real reason was on acct. of him being a +Dutchman and maybe can't talk English very good. Well I would feel pretty +mean to be spying on most of the boys that's been good pals with me, but +when a man is a pro German spy himself they's no question of friendship and +etc. and whatever I can do to show this bird up I won't hesitate a minute. + +Well Al this bird was writeing a letter last night and he didn't have no +envelope and he asked me did I have I and I said no and he wouldn't of +never spoke only to say Gimme but when I told him I didn't have no envelope +he started off somewheres to get 1 and he dropped the last page out of the +letter he had been writeing and it was laying right there along side of me +and of course I wouldn't of paid no tension to it only it was face up so as +I couldn't help from seeing it and what I seen wasn't no words like a man +would write in a letter but it was a bunch of marks like a x down at the +bottom and they was a whole line of them like this +x x x x x x x x x x x + +Well that roused up my suspicions and I guess you know I am not the kind +that reads other people's letters even if I don't get none of my own to +read but this here letter I kind of felt like they was something funny +about it like he was writeing in ciphers or something so I picked the page +up and read it through and sure enough they was parts of it in ciphers and +if a man didn't have the key you couldn't tell what and the he--ll he was +getting at. + +Well Al I was still studing the page yet when he come back in and they +wasn't nothing for me to do only set on it so as he wouldn't see I had +it and he come over and begin looking for it and I asked him had he lost +something to throw him off the track and he said yes but he didn't say what +it was and that made it all the more suspicious so he finely give up +looking and went out again. + +Well I have got it put away where he can't get a hold of it because I +showed it to Johnny Alcock this A. M. and asked him if it didn't look like +something off color and he said yes it did and if he was me he would turn +it over to Capt. Seeley but on 2d thoughts he said I better keep it a wile +and at the same time keep a eye on Shaffer and get more evidents vs. him +and then when I had him dead to rights I could turn the letter and the rest +of the evidents over to Capt. Seeley and then I would be sure to get the +credit for showing him up. Well Al I figure this 1 page of his letter is +enough or more then enough only of course its best to play safe and keep my +eyes pealed and see what comes off and I haven't got time to copy down the +whole page Al and besides they's a few sentences that sounds O. K. and I +suppose he put them in for a blind but you can't get away from them x marks +Al and I will write down a couple other sentences and I bet you will agree +that they's something fishy about them and here is the sentences to which I +refer: + +"In regards to your question I guess I understand O. K. In reply will say +yes I. L. Y. more than Y. L. M. Am I right." + +"Have you saw D. Give him a ring and tell the old spinort I am W. C. T. U. +outside of a little Vin Blank." + +Can you make heads or tales out of that Al? I guess not and neither could +anybody else except they had the key to it and the best part of it is his +name is signed down at the bottom and if he can explain that line of talk +he is a wonder but he can't explain it Al and all as he can do is make +a clean brest of the whole business and Alcock thinks the same way and +Alcock says he wished he had of been the 1 that got a hold of this evidents +because whoever turned it over to Capt. Sceley along with what other facts +I can get a hold of will just about get a commission in the intelligents +dept. and that's the men that looks after the pro German spys Al and gets +the dope on them and shows them up and I would probably have my head +quarters in Paris and get good money besides my expenses and I would half +to pass up the chance to get in the trenchs and fight but they's more ways +of fighting then 1 and in this game Al a man has got to go where they send +you and where they figure they would do the most good and if my country +needs me to track after spys I will sacrifice my own wishs though I would +a whole lot rather stay with my pals and fight along side of them and not +snoop round Paris fondleing door nobs like a night watchman. But Alcock +says he would bet money that is where I will land and he says "You ought +to feel right at home in the intelligents dept. like a camel in Lake Erie" +and he says the first chance I get I better try and start up a conversation +with Shaffer and try and lead him on and that is the way they trap them is +to ask them a whole lot of questions and see what they have got to say and +if you keep fireing questions at them they are bound to get balled up and +then its good night. + +Well I don't suppose it seems possible to you stay at homes that they could +be such a thing like a pro German spy in the U. S. army and how did he get +there and why did they leave him in and etc. Well Al you would be supprised +to know how many of them has slipped in and Alcock says that at first it +amounted to about 200% but the intelligents officers has been on their sent +all the wile and most of them has been nailed and when they get them they +shoot them down like a dog and that's what Shaffer will get Al and he is +out of luck to be so big because all as the fireing squad would half to do +would be look at their compass and see if he was east or west of them and +then face their riffle in that direction and let go. + +I will write and let you know how things comes along. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, April 14._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al I am closeing the net of evidents around Shaffer and I +guess I all ready got enough on him to make out a case that he couldn't +never wrinkle out of it but Capt. Seeley is away and I can't do nothing +till he gets back. + +I had my man on the grill today Al and I thought he would be a fox and +not criminate himself but I guess I went at him so smooth he didn't never +suspect nothing till along towards the finish and then it was to late. +I don't remember all that was said but it run along these lines like +as follows: In the first place I asked him where he lived and he said +Milwaukee Ave. in Chi and I don't know if you know it or not Al but that's +a st. where they have got traffic policemens at the corners to blow their +whistles once for the Germans to go north and south and twice for them to +go east and west. So then I said was he married and he says no. So then I +asked him where he was born and he said "What and the he--ll are you the +personal officer?" So I laughed it off and said "No but I thought maybe +we come from the same part of the country." So he says something about +everybody didn't half to come from the country but he wouldn't come out and +say where he did come from so then I kind of led around to the war and I +made the remark that the German drive up on the north side of France didn't +get very far and he says maybe they wasn't through. How was that for a fine +line of talk Al and he might as well have said he hoped the Germans +wouldn't never be stopped. + +Well for a minute I couldn't hardly help from takeing a crack at him but in +these kind of matters Al a man has got to keep a hold of themself or they +will loose their quarry so I kind of forced a smile and said "Well I guess +they would have kept going if they could of." And then he says "Yes but +they half to stop every once in a wile to bring up Van Hindenburg." So I +had him traped Al and quick is a flash I said "Who told you their plans?" +And he says "Oh he--ll my mother in law" and walked away from me. + +Well Al it was just like sometimes when they are trying a man for murder +and he says he couldn't of did it because he was over to the Elite jazing +when it come off and a little wile later the lawyer asks him where did he +say he was at when the party was croked and he forgets what he said the +1st. time and says he was out to Lincoln Pk. kidding the bison or something +and the lawyer points out to the jury where his storys don't jib and the +next thing you know he is dressed up in a hemp collar a couple sizes to +small. + +And that's the same way I triped Shaffer getting him to say he wasn't +married and finely when I have him cornered he busts out about his mother +in law. Well Al I don't know of no way to get a mother in law without +marrying into one. So I told Alcock tonight what had came off and he says +it looked to him like I had a strong case and if he was me he would spill +it to Capt. Seeley the minute he gets back. And he said "You lucky stiff +you won't never see the inside of a front line trench." So I asked him +what he meant and he repeated over again what he said about them takeing +me in the intelligents dept. So it looks like I was about through being a +doughboy Al and pretty soon I will probably be writeing to you from Paris +but I don't suppose I will be able to tell you what I am doing because +that's the kind of a job where mum is the word. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, April 16._ + +FRIEND AL: Well old pal don't be supprised if I write you the next time +from Paris. I have got a date to see Capt. Seeley tomorrow and Lieut. +Mather fixed it up for me to see him but I had to convince the lieut. that +it wasn't no monkey business because they's always a whole lot of riffs and +raffs asking Capt. Seeley can they have a word with him and what they want +is to borry his knife to pair their finger nails. + +But I guess he won't be sorry he seen me Al not when I show him the stuff +I have got on this bird and he will probably shake me by the hand and say +"Well Keefe Uncle Sam is proud of you but you are waisting your time here +and I will be sorry to loose you but it looks like you belong in other +fields." And he will wire a telegram to the gen. staff reccomending me to +go to Paris. + +I guess I all ready told you some of the stuff I have got on this bird but +I have not told you all because the best one didn't only happen last night. +Well on acct. of I and Alcock being friends he has kind of been keeping a +eye pealed on Shaffer to help me out and he found a letter last night that +Shaffer had wrote and this time it was the whole letter with the address +and everything and who do you suppose it was to? Well Al it was to Van +Hindenburg himself and I have got it right here where I can keep a eye on +it and believe me it's worth watching and I wished I could send it to you +so you could see for yourself what kind of a bird we are dealing with. But +that's impossible Al but they's nothing to keep me from copping it off. + +Well the letter is wrote in German and to show you what a foxy bird he is +he wrote it out in printing so as if it got found by somebody they couldn't +prove he wrote it because when words is wrote out in printing it looks just +the same who ever wrote it and you can't tell. But he wasn't foxy enough to +not sign G. S. down to the bottom of it and that stands for his name George +Shaffer and he is the only G. S. in the Co. so it looks like we had him up +in a tree. Here is what the letter says: + +"Field Marshall Van Hindenburg, c/o Die Vierten Dachshunds, Deutscher +Armee, Flanders. 500,000 U. S. Soldaten schon in Frankreich doch. In +Lauterbach habe Ich mein Strumpf verloren und ohne Strumpf gehe Ich nicht +heim. xxxxxxx G.S." + +Notice them x marks again Al like in the other letter and the other letter +was probably to Van Hindenburg to and I only wished I knew what the x marks +means but maybe some of the birds that's all ready in the intelligents +dept. can figure it out. But they's no mystery about the rest of it Al +because Alcock understands German and he translated it out what the German +words means and here is what it means: + +500,000 United States soldiers in France all ready yet. Will advise you +when to attack on this front. + +How is that Al for a fine trader and spy to tell the gen. of the German +army how many soldiers we got over here and to not attack till Shaffer says +the word and he was probably going to say it wile we was all asleep or +something. But thanks to me Al he will be the one that is asleep and it +will be some sleep Al and it will make old Rip and Winkle look like they +had the colic and when the boys finds out what I done for them I guess they +won't be nothing to good for me. But it will be to late for them to show +their appreciations because I won't be here no more and the boys probably +won't see me again till its all over and we are back in the old U. S. +because Alcock was talking to a bird that's in the int. dept. and he says 1 +of their dutys was to keep away from everybody and not leave them know who +you are. Because of course if word got out that you was a spy chaser the +spys wouldn't hardly run up and kiss you on the st. but they would duck +when they seen you and you would have as much chance to catch them as +though you was trolling for wales with a grass hopper. + +And from this bird's dope that Alcock was talking to I will half to leave +off my uniform and wear plain close and maybe wear false whiskers and etc. +so as people who see me the 1st. time I will look different to them the +next time they see me and maybe I will half to let my mustache grow and +grease it so as they will think maybe I am a Dutchman and if they are +working for the Kaiser I could maybe pump them. + +But they's 1 thing I don't like about it Al because Alcock says Paris is +full of women that isn't exactly spys but they have been made a fool out of +and they are some German's duke but the Dutchmens tells them a whole lot +of things that Uncle Sam would like to know and I would half to find them +things out and the only way to do that would be to get them stuck on me and +I guess that wouldn't be no chore but when a gal gets stuck on you they +will tell you everything they know and wile with most gals I ever seen they +could do that without dropping another nickle still and all it would be +different with these gals in Paris that's been the tools of some Dutchmens +because you take a German and he don't never stop braging till he inhales a +bayonet. + +[Illustration: When a gal gets stuck on you they will tell you everything +they know.] + +But it don't seem fair to make love to them and pertend like I was nuts +over them and then when I had learned all they was to know I would half to +get rid of them and cast them to 1 side and god knows how many wounds I +will leave behind me but probably as many as though I was a regular soldier +or snipper but then I wouldn't feel so bad about it because it would be men +and not girlies but everything goes in war fair as they say Al and if Uncle +Sam and Gen. Pershing asks me to do it I will do whatever they ask me and +they can't nobody really hold it vs. me because of why I am doing it. + +But talking about snippers Al I noticed today that I wasn't near as good as +usual in the riffle practice and it was like as if I was haveing a slump +like some of the boys does in baseball when they go along 5 or 6 days +without finding out who is umpireing the bases and I am afraid that is how +it would be with me in snipping I would be O. K. part of the time and the +rest of the time I couldn't hit Europe and maybe I would fall down when +they was depending on me and then I would feel like a rummy so I guess I +better not try and show up so good in practice even when I do feel O. K. +because they might make a snipper out of me without knowing my weakness and +I figure its something the matter with my eyes. Besides Al it don't seem +like its a fair game to be pecking away at somebody that they can't see +you and aren't looking for no supprise and its a whole lot different then +fighting with a bayonet where its man to man and may the best man win. + +Well Al I guess I have told you all the news and things is going along +about as usual and they don't seem to be no prospects of us overtakeing a +section up to the front but its just train and train and train and if the +ball clubs had a training trip like we been haveing they would be so tired +by the 1 of May that they wouldn't run out a base on balls. Yesterday we +past by a flock of motor Lauras that was takeing wounded back to a base +hospital somewheres and Alcock was talking to 1 of the drivers and he said +that over 100% of the birds that's getting wounded and killed these days is +the snippers and the boshs don't never rest till they find out where there +nests is at and then they get all their best marksmens and aim at where +they think the snipper has got his nest and then its good night snipper and +he is either killed right out or looses a couple of legs or something. I +certainly feel sorry for the boys that's wounded Al and every time we see +a bunch of them all us boys is crazy to get up there to the front and get +even for what they done. + +Well old pal I will half to get busy now and overlook the dope I have got +on Shaffer so as I will have everything in order for Capt. Seeley and I +will write and let you know how things comes out. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, April 18._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al they's a whole lot of birds that thinks they are wise +and always trying to pull off something on somebody but once in a wile they +pick out the wrong bird to pull it on and then the laugh is on the smart +Alex themself. + +Well Alcock and some of them thought they was putting up a game on me and +was going to make me look like a monkey but before I get through with them +Al they will be the suckers and I will be giveing them the horse laugh but +what I ought to do is bust them in the jaw and if I was running this war +every bird that tried to pull off some practical joke to put a man in bad, +I would give a lead shower in their honor some A. M. before breakfast. + +Alcock was trying to make me believe that 1 of the boys in the Co. name +Geo. Shaffer was a German spy or something and they framed up a letter like +as if he wrote it to Van Hindenburg giveing away secrets in German about +our army and etc. but they made the mistake of signing his initials to the +letter so when I come to think it over I seen it must be a fake because a +bird that was a real spy wouldn't never sign their own name to a letter but +they would sign John Smith or something. + +But any way I had a hold of this letter and a peace of another letter that +Shaffer really did write it and I thought I would show them to Capt. Seeley +and play it safe because they might be something in them after all and any +way it would give him a good laugh. So yesterday I went and seen him and he +says "Well Keefe what can I do for you?" So I said "You can't do nothing +for me sir but this time I can do something for you. What would you think +if I told you they was a trader and a German spy in your Co." So he says "I +would think you were crazy." So I said "I am afraid you will half to think +so then but maybe you won't think I am so crazy when I show you the goods." + +So then Al I pulled that 1st. peace of a letter on him and showed it to him +and he read it and when he got through he says "Well it looks suspicious +all right. It looks like the man that wrote it was hacking up a big plot +to spring a few dependents on his local board the next time they draft +him." So I said "The bird that wrote that letter is a Dutchman name Geo. +Shaffer." So Capt. Seeley says "Well I wish him all the luck in the world +and a lot of little Shaffers." So I said "Yes but what about them x marks +and all them letters without no words to them?" So he said "Didn't you +never correspond with a girl and put some of them xs down to the bottom of +your letter?" So I says "I have wrote letters to a whole lot of girls but +I never had to write nothing in ciphers because I wasn't never ashamed of +anything I wrote." So he said "Well your lady friends was all cheated then +because this is ciphers all right but its the kind of messages they love to +read because it means kisses." + +Well Al of course I knew it meant something like that but I didn't think a +big truck horse like Shaffer would make such a mushmellow out of himself. +But anyway I said to Capt. Seeley I says "All right but what about them +other initials without no words to go with them?" And he says "Well that's +some more ciphers but they's probably a little gal out in Chi that don't +half to look at no key to figure it out." + +So then I pulled the other letter on him the 1 in German and he also smiled +when he read this one and finely he says "Some of your pals has been +playing a trick on you like when you come over on the ship and the best +thing you can do is to tear the letters up and keep it quite and don't +leave nobody know you fell for it. And now I have got a whole lot to tend +to so good by." + +So that's all that was said between us and I come away and come back to +quarters and Alcock and 2 or 3 of the other boys was there and Alcock knew +where I had been and I suppose he had told the other birds and they was all +set to give me the Mary ha ha but I beat them to it. + +"Well Alcock" I says when I come in "you are some joke Smith but you +wouldn't think you was so funny if I punched your jaw." So he turned kind +of pail but he forced a smile and says "Well I guess the Vin Blank is on +you this time." So I said "You won't get no Vin Blank off me but what you +are libel to get is a wallop in the jaw." So he says "You crabbed at me +a wile ago for not takeing a joke but it looks like you was the one that +couldn't take them now." So I said "What I would like to take is a poke +at your nose." So that shut him up and they didn't none of them get their +laugh because I had them scared and if they had of laughed I would of made +them swallow it. + +So after all Al the laugh is on them because their gag fell dead and I +guess the next time they try and pull some gag they will pick out some hick +from some X roads to pull it on and not a bird that has traveled all over +the big leagues and seen all they is to see. + +Well Al I am tickled to death I won't half to give up my uniform and snoop +around Paris like a white wings double crossing women and spying and etc. +and even if the whole thing hadn't of been just a joke I was going to ask +Capt. Seeley to not reccomend me to no int. dept. but jest leave me be +where I am at so as when the time comes I can fight fair like man to man +and not behind no woman's skirts like a cur. + +So you see Al everything is O. K. after all and the laugh is on Alcock and +his friends because they was the ones that expected to do all the laughing +but instead of that I made a monkey out of them. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, April 23._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al if you would see my face you would think I had been +attending a barrage or something or else I had been in a bar room fight +only of course if it was a fair fight I wouldn't be so kind of marred up +like I am. But I had a accident Al and fell over a bunk and lit on the old +bean and the result is Al that I have got a black eye and a bad nose and my +jaw is swole a little and my ears feels kind of dull like so I guess the +ladys wouldn't call me Handsome Jack if they seen me but it will be all O. +K. in a few days and I will be the same old Jack. + +But I will tell you how it come off. I was setting reading a letter from +Florrie that all as she said in it was that she had boughten herself a +new suit that everybody says was the cutest she ever had on her back just +like I give a dam because by the time I see her in it she will of gave +it to little Al's Swede. But any way I was reading this letter when in +come Shaffer the bird that was mixed up in that little gag about the fake +spy and he come up to me and says "Well you big snake who's male are you +reading now?" Well Al him calling me big is like I would say hello Jumbo to +a flee. But any way I says "My own male and who and the he--ll male would +I be reading?" So he said "Well its hard to tell because you stole some of +mine and read it and not only that but you showed it to the whole A. E. F. +so now stand up and take what's comeing to you." + +Well Al I thought he was just kidding so I says "I come over here to fight +Germans and not 1 of my own pals." So he says "Don't call me no pal, but +if you come to fight Germans now is your chance because you say I'm 1 of +them." + +Well he kind of made a funny motion like he wanted to spar or wrestle or +something and I thought he meant it in a friendly way like we sometimes +pull off a rough house once in a wile so I stood up but before I had a +chance to take holds with him he cut loose at me with his fists doubled up +and I kind of triped or something and fell over a bench and I must have hit +something sharp on the way down and I kind of got scratched up but they are +only scratchs and don't amt. to nothing. Only I wished I knew he had of +been serious and I would of made a punching bag out of him and you can bet +that the next time he wants to start something I won't wait to see if he +is jokeing but I will tear into him and he will think he run into a Minnie +Weffers. + +Well I suppose Alcock was sore at me for getting the best of him and not +falling for his gag and he was afraid to tackle me himself and he told big +Shaffer a peck of lies about some dam letter or something and said I stole +it and it made Shaffer sore and no wonder because who wouldn't be sore if +they thought somebody was reading their male. But a man like Shaffer that +if he stopped a shell the Dutchmens would half to move back a ways so as +they would be room enough in France to bury him hasn't got no right to +pick on a smaller man especially when I wasn't feeling good on acct. of +something I eat but at that Al size don't make no difference and its the +bird that's got the nerve and knows how that can knock them dead and if +Shaffer had of gave me any warning he would of been the 1 that is scratched +up instead of I though I guess he is to lucky to trip over a kit bag and +fall down and cut himself. + +But my scratchs don't really amt. to nothing Al and in a few days I will be +like new. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Somewheres in France, April 25._ + +FRIEND AL: Well old pal I have got some big news for you now. We been +ordered up to the front and its good by to this Class D burg and now for +some real actions and I am tickled to death and I only hope the Dutchmens +will loose their minds and try and start something up on the section where +we are going to and I can't tell you where its at Al but you keep watching +the papers and even if the boshs don't start nothing maybe we will start +something on our own acct. and the next thing you know you will read where +we have got them on the Lincoln highway towards Russia and believe me Al we +won't half to stop every little wile to bring up no Van Hindenburg but we +will run them ragged and they say the Germans is the best singers and when +they all bust out with Comrades they will make the Great Lakes band sound +like the Russia artillery. + +Well Al I am so excited I can't write much and I have got a 100 things to +tend to so I will half to cut this letter short. + +Well some of the other birds like Alcock and them is pertending like they +was tickled to death to but believe me Al if the orders was changed all of +a sudden and they told us we was going to stay here till the duration of +the war we wouldn't half to call on the Engrs. to dam their tear ducks. But +they pertend like they are pleased and keep whistleing so as they won't +blubber and today they all laughed their heads off at something that come +out in the Co. paper that some of the boys gets out but they laughed like +they was nervous instead of enjoying it. + +Well what come out in the paper was supposed to be a joke on me and if they +think its funny they are welcome and I would send the paper to you that its +in only I haven't got only the 1 copy so I will copy it down and you can +see for yourself what a screen it is. Well they's 1 peace that's got up to +look like it was the casuality list in some regular newspaper and it says: + + WOUNDED IN ACTION + Privates + Jack Keefe, Chicago, Ill. (Very) + +And then they's another peace that reads like this: + +DECORATED + +"The Company has won its first war honors and Private Jack Keefe is the +lucky dog. Private Keefe has been decorated by Gen. George Shaffer of +the 4th. Dachshunds for extreme courage and cleverness in showing up a +dangerous nest of spies. Keefe was hit four times by large caliber shells +before he could say surrender. He was decorated with the Order of the +Schwarz Auge, the Order of the Rot Nase and the Order of the Blumenkohl +Ohren, besides which a Right Cross was hung on his jaw. Private Keefe takes +his honors very modestly, no one having even heard him mention them except +in stifled tones during the night." + +Well Al all right if they can find something to amuse themself and they +need it I guess. But they better remember that they's plenty of time for +the laugh to be on the other foot before this war is over. + +Your pal, JACK. + + + + +CHAPTER V + +SAMMY BOY + + +_In the Trenchs, May 6._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al I haven't wrote you no letter for a long wile and I +suppose maybe you think something might of happened to me or something. +Well old pal they hasn't nothing happened and I only wished they would +because anything would be better than laying around here and I would rather +stop a shell and get spread all over Europe then lay around here and die a +day at a time you might say. + +Well I would of wrote you before only we was on the march and by the time +night come around my dogs fret me so bad I couldn't think of nothing else +and when they told us we was comeing up here I thought of course they would +send us up in motor Lauras or something and not wear us all out before we +got here but no it was drill every ft. of the way and I said to Johnny +Alcock the night we got here that when they was sending us up here to die +they might at lease give us a ride and he says no because when they send +a man to the electric chair they don't push him up there in a go cart but +they make him get there on his own dogs. So I said "Yes but he travels +light and he don't half to go far and when he gets there they's a chair +waiting for him to set down in it but they load us up like a troop ship and +walk us 1/2 way to Sweden and when we finely get here we can either remain +standing or lay down in a mud puddle and tuck ourself in." + +And another thing Al I thought they meant we was going right in the front +line trenchs where a man has got a chance to see some fun but where we are +at is what they call the reserve trenchs and we been here 3 days all ready +and have got to stay here 7 days more that is unless they should something +happen to the regt. that's up ahead of us in the front line and if they get +smashed up or something and half to be sent back to the factory then we +will jump right in and take their place and I don't wish them no bad luck +but I wished they would get messed up tonight at lease enough so as they +would half to come out for repairs but it don't look like they was much +chance of that as we are on a quite section where they hasn't been nothing +doing since the war begin you might say but of course Jerry is raising +he--ll all over the front now and here is where he will probably pick on +next and believe me Al we will give him a welcome. + +But the way things is mapped out now we will be here another wk. yet and +then up in the front row for 10 days and then back to the rest billets for +a rest but they say the only thing that gets a rest back there is your +stomach but believe me your stomach gets a holiday right here without going +to no rest billets. + +Well I thought they would be some excitement up here but its like church +but everybody says just wait till we get up in front and then we will have +plenty of excitement well I hope they are telling the truth because its +sure motonus here and about all as we do is have inspections and scratch. +As Johnny Alcock says France may of lose a whole lot of men in this war but +they don't seem to of been no casualitys amist the cuties. + +Well Al they's plenty of other bugs here as well as the kinds that itchs +and I mean some of the boys themselfs and here is where it comes out on +them is where they haven't nothing to do only lay around and they's 1 bird +that his name is Harry Friend but the boys calls him the chicken hawk and +its not only on acct. of him loveing the ladys but he is all the wile +writeing letters to them and he is 1 of these fancy writers that has to +wind up before he comes down on the paper with a word and between every +word he sores up and swoops down again like he was over a barn yard and +sometimes the boys set around and bets on how many wirls he will take +before he will get within writeing distants of the paper. + +Well any way he must get a whole lot of letters wrote if he answers all +the ones that comes for him because every time you bump into him he pulls +one on you that he just got from some gal that's nuts about him somewheres +in the U. S. and its always a different 1 and I bet the stores that sells +service stars kept open evenings the wk. this bird enlisted in the draft. +But today it was a French gal that he had a letter from her some dame in +Chalons and he showed me her picture and she's some queen Al and he is +pulling for us to be sent there on our leave after we serve our turn up +here and I don't blame him for wanting to be where she's at and I wished +they was some baby doll that I could pal around with in what ever burg they +ship us to. But I don't know nobody Al and besides I'm a married man so no +flirting with the parley vous for me and I suppose I will spend most of my +time with the 2 Vin sisters and a headache. + +Your pal, JACK. + +[Illustration: Every time you bump into him he pulls a letter on you.] + + * * * * * + +_In the Trenchs, May 9._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al I was talking to 1 of the boys Jack Brady today and we +was talking about Harry Friend and I told Jack about him getting a letter +from this French girlie at Chalons and how he was pulling for us to go +there on our leave so as he could see her so Jack said he didn't think we +would go there but they would probably send us to 1 of the places where we +could get a bath as god knows we will need one and they will probably send +us to Aix les Bains or Nice or O. D. Cologne. So I said I didn't care where +we was sent as they wouldn't be no gal waiting for me in none of them towns +so Jack says it was my own fault if they wasn't as all these places was +full of girlies that was there for us to dance with them and etc. and the +officers had all their names and addresses and the way to do was write to +1 of them and tell her when you was comeing and would she like to show you +around and he said he would see 1 of the lieuts. that he stands pretty good +with him and see what he could do for me. Well Al I told him to go ahead as +I thought it was just a joke but sure enough he showed up after a wile and +he said the lieut. didn't only have 1 name left but she was a queen and he +give me her name and address and its Miss Marie Antoinette 14 rue de Nez +Rouge, O. D. Cologne. + +Well Al I didn't have nothing else to do so I set down and wrote her a note +and I will coppy down what I wrote: + +"_Dear Miss Antoinette_: I suppose you will be supprised to hear from +me and I hope you won't think I am some fresh bird writeing you this letter +for a joke or something but I am just 1 of Uncle Sam's soldiers from the +U. S. A. and am now in the trenchs fighting for your country. Well Miss +Antoinette we expect to be here about 2 wks. more and then we will have a +leave off for a few days and some of the boys thinks we may spend it in +your city and I thought maybe you might be good enough to show me around +when we get there. I was a baseball pitcher back in the U. S. A. tall and +athletic build and I don't suppose you know what baseball is but thought +maybe you would wonder what I look like. Well if you aren't busy when we +get there I will hope to see you and if you are agreeable drop me a line +here and I will sure look you up when I get there." + + * * * * * + +So then I give her my name and where to reach me and of course they won't +nothing come out of it Al only a man has got to amuse yourself some way in +a dump like this or they would go crazy. But it would sure be a horse on +me if she was to answer the letter and say she would be glad to see me and +then of course I would half to write and tell her I was a married man or +else not write to her at all but of course they won't nothing come out of +it and its a good bet we won't never see Cologne as that was just a guess +on Brady's part. + +Well Al things is going along about like usual with nothing doing only +inspections and etc. and telling us how to behave when we get up there in +the front row and not to stick our head over the top in the day time and +you would think we was the home guards or something and at that I guess the +home guards is seeing as much of the war as we are in this old ditch but +they say it will be different when we get up in front and believe me I hope +so and they can't send us there to soon to suit me. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_In the Trenchs, May 11._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al here we are up in the front line trenchs and we come +in here 2 days ahead of time but that's the way they run everything in the +army except feed you but they don't never do nothing when they say they are +going to and I suppose they want a man to get use to haveing things come +by supprise so as it won't interfere with your plans if you get killed a +couple days before you was looking for it. + +Well Al we are looking for it now most any day and this may be the last +letter you will ever get from your old pal and you may think I am kidding +when I say that but 1 of the boys told me a wile ago that he heard Capt. +Seeley telling 1 of the lieuts. that the reason we come in here ahead of +time was on acct. of them expecting the Dutchmans to make their next drive +on this section and the birds that we are takeing their place was a bunch +of yellow stiffs that was hard of hearing except when they was told to +retreat and Gen. Pershing figured that if they was up here when Jerry made +a attack they would turn around and open up a drive on Africa and the bosh +has been going through the rest of the line like it was held by the ladies +aid and Gen. Foch says they have got to be stopped so we are elected Al and +you know what that means and it means we can't retreat under no conditions +but stay here till we get killed. So you see I wasn't kidding Al and it +looks like it was only a question of a few days or maybe not that long but +at that I guess most of the boys would just as leave stop a Dutch bayonet +as to lay around in this he--ll hole. Believe me Al this is a fine resort +to spend 10 days at what with the mud and the perfume and a whole menajery +useing you for a parade grounds. + +Well Capt. Seeley wants us to get all the rest we can now on acct. of +what's comeing off after a wile but believe me I am not going to oversleep +myself in this he--ll hole because suppose Jerry would pick out the time +wile you was asleep to come over and pay us a visit and they's supposed +to be some of the boys on post duty to watch all night and keep their eye +pealed and wake us up if they's something stiring but I have been in hotels +a lot of times and left a call with some gal that didn't have nothing to +do only pair her finger nails and when the time come ring me up but even +at that she forgot it so what chance is they for 1 of these sentrys to +remember and wake everybody up when maybe they's 5 or 6 Dutchmens divideing +him into building lots with their bayonet or something. So as far as I am +conserned I will try and keep awake wile I can because it looks like when +we do go to sleep we will stay asleep several yrs. and even if we are lucky +enough to get back to them rest billets we can sleep till the cows come +home a specially if they give us some more of them entertainments like we +had in camp. + +Well Al before we got here I thought they would be so much fireing back and +4th. up here that a man couldn't hear themself think but I guess Jerry is +saveing up for the big show though every little wile they try and locate +our batterys and clean them out and once in so often 1 of our big guns +replys but as Johnny Alcock says you couldn't never accuse our artillrys +from being to gabby and I guess we are lucky they are pretty near +speechless as they might take a notion to fire short but any way a little +wile ago 1 of our guns sent a big shell over and Johnny says what and the +he--ll can that be and I said its a shell from 1 of our guns and he says he +thought they fired 1 yesterday. + +Well as I say here we are with 10 days of it stareing us in the eye and the +cuties for company and the only way we can get out of here ahead of time is +on a stretcher and I wouldn't mind that Al but as I say I want to be awake +when my time comes because if I am going to get killed in this war I want +to have some idear who done it. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_In the Trenchs, May 14._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al I got the supprise of my life today when Jack Brady +handed me a letter that had came for me and that's supprise enough itself +but all the more when I opened it up and seen who it was from. Well it was +from that baby in Cologne and I will coppy it down as it is short and you +can see for yourself what she says. Well here it is: + +"_Dear Mr. Keefe_: Your letter just reached me and you can bet I was +glad to get it. I sure will be glad to see you when you come to Cologne +and I will be more than glad to show you the sights. This is some town and +we sure will have a time when you get here. I am just learning to write +English so please excuse mistakes but all I want to say is don't disappoint +me but write when you will come so I can be all dressed up comme un cheval. +Avec l'amour und kussen. + +"MARIE ANTOINETTE." + +You see Al they's part of it wrote in French and that last part means with +love and kisses. Well I guess that letter I wrote her must have went over +strong and any ways it looks like she didn't exactly hate me eh Al? Well it +looks like I would half to write to her back and tell her I am a married +man and they can't be no flirting between her and I but if she wants to be +a good pal and show me around O. K. and no harm done. Well I hope she takes +it that way because it sure will seem good to talk to a gal again that +can talk a little English and not la la la all the wile but of course its +a good bet that I won't never see her because we are just as libel to go +somewheres else as Cologne though Brady seems to think that's where we are +headed for. Well time will tell and in the mean wile we are libel to get +blowed to he--ll and gone and then of course it would be good by sweet +Marie but I was supprised to hear from her as I only wrote to her in fun +and didn't think nothing would come from it but I guess Harry Friend isn't +the only lady killer in the U. S. army and if I was 1 of the kind that +shows off all their letters I guess I have got 1 now to show. + +A side from all that Al we was supposed to have our chow a hr. ago but no +chow and some of the boys says its on acct. of our back arears being under +fire and you see the kitchens is way back of the front lines and the boys +on chow detail is supposed to bring our food up here but when the back +arears is under fire they are scared to bring it up or they might maybe run +into some bad luck on the way. How is that for fine dope Al when a whole +regt. starves to death because a few yellow stiffs is afraid that maybe a +shell might light near them and spill a few beans. Brady says maybe they +are trying to starve us so as we will get mad and fight harder when the +time comes like in the old days when they use to have fights between men +and lions in Reno and Rome and for days ahead they wouldn't give the lions +nothing to eat so as they would be pretty near wild when they got in Reno +and would make a rush at the gladaters that was supposed to fight them and +try and eat them up on acct. of being so near starved. Well Al I would half +to be good and hungry before I would want to eat a Dutchman a specially +after they been in the trenchs a wile. + +But any way it don't make a whole lot of differents if the chow gets here +or not because when it comes its nothing only a eye dropper full of soup +and coffee and some bread that I would hate to have some of it fall on my +toe and before we left the U. S. everybody was trying to preserve food so +as the boys in France would have plenty to eat but if they sent any of the +preserves over here the boat they come on must of stopped a torpedo and I +hope the young mackerels won't make themselfs sick on sweets. + +Jokeing to 1 side this is some climate Al and they don't never a day pass +without it raining and I use to think the weather profits back home had a +snap that all they had to do was write down rain or snow or fair and even +if they was wrong they was way up there where you couldn't get at them but +they have got a tough job when you look at a French weather profit and as +soon as he learns the French for rain he can open up an office and he don't +half to hide from nobody because he can't never go wrong though Alcock says +they have got a dry season here that begins the 14 of July and ends that +night but its a holiday so the weather profit don't half to monkey with +it. Any way its so dark here all the wile that you can't hardly tell day +and night only at night times the Dutchmens over across the way sends up +a flare once in a wile to light things up so as they can see if they's +any of us prowling around Nobody's Land and speaking about Nobody's Land +Brady says its the ground that lays between the German trenchs and the +vermin trenchs but jokeing to 1 side if it wasn't for these here flares we +wouldn't know they was anybody over in them other trenchs and when we come +in here they was a lot of talk about Jerry sending over a patrol to find +out who we was but it looks like he wasn't interested. But all and all Al +its nothing like I expected up here and all we have seen of the war is when +a shell or 2 busts in back of us or once in a wile 1 of their areoplanes +comes over and 1 of ours chases them back and sometimes they have a battle +but they always manage to finish it where we can't see it for the fear we +might enjoy ourselfs. + +Well it looks like we would half to go to bed on a empty stomach if you +could call it bed and speaking about stomach Brady says they's a old saying +that a army travels on their stomach but a cutie covers a whole lot more +ground. But as I say when you don't get your chow you don't miss much only +it kills a little time and everybody is sick in tired of doing nothing and +1 of the boys was saying tonight he wished the Dutchmens would attack so as +to break the motley and Alcock said that if they did attack he hoped they +would do it with gas as his nose needed a change of air. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_In the Trenchs, May 16._ + +FRIEND AL: Well old pal I come within a ace you might say of not being +here to write you this letter and you may think that's bunk but wait till +you hear what come off. Well it seems our scout planes brought back word +yesterday that the Dutch regt. over across the way had moved out and +another regt. had took their place and it seems when they make a change +like that our gens. always trys to find out who the new rivals is so the +orders come yesterday that we was to get up a patrol party for last night +and go over and take a few prisoners so as we would know what regt. we +was up vs. Well as soon as the news come out they was some of the boys +volunteered to go in the patrol and they was only a few going so I didn't +feel like noseing myself in and maybe crowding somebody out that was set +on going and besides what and the he--ll do I care what regt. is there as +long as its Germans and its like you lived in a flat and the people across +the hall moved out and some people moved in why as long as you knowed they +wasn't friends of yours you wouldn't rush over and ring their door bell and +say who the he--ll are you but you would wait till they had time to get +some cards printed and stick 1 in the mail box. So its like I told Alcock +that when the boys come back they would tell the Col. that the people opp. +us was Germans and the Col. would be supprised because he probably thought +all the wile that they was the Idaho boy scouts or something. But at that I +pretty near made up my mind at the last minute to volunteer just to break +the motley you might say but it was to late and I lost out. + +Well Al the boys that went didn't come back and I hope the Col. is +satisfied now because he has lost that many men and he knows just as much +as he did before namely that they's some Germans across the way and either +they killed our whole bunch or took them a prisoner and instead of us +learning who they are they found out who we are because the boys that's +gone is all from our regt. and its just like as if we went over and give +them the information they wanted to save them the trouble of comeing over +here and getting it. + +Well it don't make a man feel any happier to think about them poor boys and +god only knows what happened to them if they are prisoners or dead and some +of them was pals of mine to but the worst part of it is that the word will +be sent home that they are missing in actions and their wifes won't know +what become of them if they got any and I can't help from thinking I might +of been with them only for not wanting to crowd somebody out and if I had +of went my name would be in the casuality list as missing in actions but I +guess at that if Florrie picked up the paper and seen it she wouldn't know +it was her husband its so long since she wrote it on a envelop. + +Well Al they's other gals in the world besides Florrie and of course its to +late to get serious with them when a man has got a wife and kid but believe +me I am going to enjoy myself if they happen to pick out Cologne to send us +to and if the little gal down there is 1 of the kind that can be good pals +with a man without looseing her head over me I will sure have a good time +but I suppose when she sees me she will want to begin flirting or something +and then I will half to pass her up before anybody gets hurt. Well any way +I wrote her a friendly letter today and just told her to keep me in mind +and I stuck a few French words in it for a gag but I will coppy down what I +wrote the best I can remember it so you will know what I wrote. Here it is: + +_Mon cher Marie_: Your note recd. and you can bet I was mighty glad to +hear from you and learn you would show me around Cologne. That is if they +send us there and if we get out of here alive. Well you said you was just +learning English well I will maybe be able to help you along and you can +maybe help me with the French so you see it will be 50 50. Well I sure hope +they send us to Cologne and I will let you know the minute I find out where +they are going to send us and maybe even if its somewheres else couldn't +you visit there at the same time and maybe I could see you. Well girlie we +will be out of here in less then a wk. now if we don't have no bad luck and +you can bet I won't waist no time getting to where ever they send us and I +hope its Cologne. So in the mean wile don't take no wood nickles and don't +get impatient but be a good girlie and save up your loving for me. Tres +beaucoup from + +Your Sammy Boy, JACK KEEFE. + +That's what I wrote her Al and I bet she can't hardly wait to hear if I'm +comeing or not but I don't suppose they's any chance of them sending us +there and a specially if they find out that anybody wants to go there but +maybe she can fix it to meet me somewheres else and any ways they won't be +no lifes lost if I never see her and maybe it would be better that way. But +a man has got to write letters or do something to keep your mind off what +happened to them poor birds that went in the patrol and a specially when I +come so near being 1 of them. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_In the Trenchs, May 18._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al if I am still alive yet its not because I laid back and +didn't take no chances and I wished some of the baseball boys that use to +call me yellow when I was in there pitching had of seen me last night and +I guess they would of sang a different song only in the 1st. place I was +where they couldn't nobody see me and secondly they would of been so scared +they would of choked to death if they tried to talk let alone sing. But +wait till you hear about it. + +Well yesterday P. M. Sargent Crane asked me how I liked life in the trenchs +and I said O. K. only I got tired on acct. of they not being no excitement +or nothing to do and he says oh they's plenty to do and I could go out and +help the boys fix up the bob wire in front of the trenchs like we done +back in the training camp. So I said I didn't see how they could be any +fixing needed as they hadn't nothing happened on this section since the +war started you might say and the birds that was here before us had plenty +of time to fix it if it needed fixing. So he says "Well any ways they's +no excitement to fixing the wire but if you was looking for excitement +why didn't you go with that patrol the other night?" So I said "Because I +didn't see no sence to trying to find out who was in the other trenchs when +we know they are Germans and that's all we need to know. Wait till they's a +real job and you won't see me hideing behind nobody." So he says "I've got +a real job for you tonight and you can go along with Ted Phillips to the +listening post." + +Well Al a listening post is what they call a little place they got dug out +way over near the German trenchs and its so close you can hear them talk +sometimes and you are supposed to hear if they are getting ready to pull +something and report back here so as they won't catch us asleep. Well I was +wild to go just for something to do but I been haveing trouble with my ears +lately probably on acct. of the noise from so much shell fire or something +but any ways I have thought a couple times that I was getting a little deef +so I thought I better tell him the truth so I said "I would be tickled to +death to go only I don't know if I ought to or not because I don't hear +very good even in English and of course Jerry would be telling their plans +in German and suppose I didn't catch on to it and I would feel like a +murder if they started a big drive and I hadn't gave my pals no warning." +So he says "Don't worry about that as Phillips has got good ears and +understands German and he has been there before only in a job like that a +man wants company and you are going along for company." + +Well before we snuck out there Sargent Crane called us to 1 side and says +"You boys is takeing a big chance and Phillips knows what to do but you +want to remember Keefe to keep quite and not make no noise or talk to each +other because if Jerry finds out you are there we probably won't see you +again." + +Well Al it finely come time for us to go and we went and if anybody asks +you how to spend a pleasant evening don't steer them up against a listening +post with a crazy man. Well I suppose you think its pretty quite there +at home nights and I use to think so to but believe me Al, Bedford at 2 +o'clock in the A. M. is a bowling alley along the side of 1 of these here +listening posts. It may sound funny but I would of gave a month's pay if +somebody would of shot off a fire cracker or anything to make a noise. +There was the bosh trench about 20 yds. from us but not a sound out of +them and a man couldn't help from thinking what if they had of heard us +out there and they was getting ready to snoop up on us and that's why they +was keeping so still and it got so as I could feel 1 of their bayonets +burrowing into me and I am no quitter Al when it comes to fighting somebody +you can see but when you have got a idear that somebody is cralling up on +you and you haven't no chance to fight back I would like to see the bird +that could enjoy themself and besides suppose my ears had went back on me +worse then I thought and the Dutchmens was realy makeing a he--ll of a +racket but I couldn't hear them and maybe they was getting ready to come +over the top and I wouldn't know the differents and all of a sudden they +would lay a garage and dash out behind it and if they didn't kill us we +would be up in front of the court's marshal for not warning our pals. + +Well as I say I would of gave anything for some one to of fired off a gun +or made some noise of some kind but when this here Phillips finely opened +up his clam and spoke I would of jumped a mile if they had of been any room +to jump anywheres. Well the sargent had told us not to say nothing but all +of a sudden right out loud this bird says this is a he--ll of a war. Well +I motioned back at him to shut up but of course he couldn't see me and he +thought I hadn't heard what he said so he said it over again so then I +thought maybe he hadn't heard the sargent's orders so I whispered to him +that he wasn't supposed to talk. Well Al they wasn't no way of keeping +him quite and he says "That's all bunk because I been out here before and +talked my head off and nothing happened." So I says well if you have got +to talk you don't half to yell it. So then he tried to whisper Al but his +whisper sounded like a jazz record with a crack in it so he says I'm not +yelling I am whispering so I said yes I have heard Hughey Jennings whisper +like that out on the lines. + +So he shut up for a wile but pretty soon he busted out again and this +time he was louder then ever and he asked me could I sing and I said no I +couldn't so then he says well you can holler can't you so I said I suppose +I could so he says "Well I know how we could play a big joke on them square +heads. Lets the both of us begin yelling like a Indian and they will hear +us and they will think they's a whole crowd of us here and they will begin +bombing us or something and think they are going to kill a whole crowd +of Americans but it will only be us 2 and we can give them the laugh for +waisting their ammunitions." + +Well Al I seen then that I was parked there with a crazy man and for a wile +I didn't say nothing because I was scared that I might say something that +would encourage him some way so I just shut up and finely he says what is +the matter ain't you going to join me? So I said I will join you in the jaw +in a minute if you don't shut your mouth and then he quited down a little, +but every few minutes he would have another swell idear and once he asked +me could I imitate animals and I said no so he says he could mew like a cow +and he had heard the boshs was so hard up for food and they would rush out +here thinking they was going to find a cow but it wouldn't be no cow but it +would be a horse on them. + +Well you can imagine what I went through out there with a bird like that +and I thought more then once I would catch it from him and go nuts myself +but I managed to keep a hold of myself and the happiest minute of my life +was when it was time for us to crall back in our dug outs but at that I +can't remember how we got back here. + +This A. M. Sargent Crane asked me what kind of a time did we have and I +told him and I told him this here Phillips was squirrel meat and he says +Phillips is just as sane as anybody usualy only everybody that went out on +the listening post was effected that way by the quite and its a wonder I +didn't go nuts to. + +Well its a wonder I didn't Al and its a good thing I kept my head and kept +him from playing 1 of those tricks as god knows what would of happened and +the entire regt. might of been wipped out. But I hope they don't wish no +more listening post on me but if they do you can bet I will pick my own +pardner and it won't be no nut and no matter what Sargent Crane says if +this here Phillips is sane we're stopping at Palm Beach. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_In the Trenchs, May 19._ + +FRIEND AL: Well old pal don't say nothing about this not even to Bertha +what I am going to tell you about as some people might not understand and +a specially a woman and might maybe think I wasn't acting right towards +Florrie or something though when a man is married to a woman that he has +been in France pretty near 4 mos. and she has wrote him 3 letters I don't +see where she would have a sqawk comeing at whatever I done but of course I +am not going to do nothing that I wouldn't just as leave tell her about it +only I want to tell her myself and when I get a good ready. + +Well I guess I told you we was only supposed to stay here in the front line +10 days and then they will somebody come and releive us and take our place +and then we go to the rest billets somewheres and lay around till its our +turn to come up here again. Well Al we been in the front line now eight +days and that means we won't only be here 2 days more so probably we will +get out of here the day after tomorrow night. Well up to today we didn't +have no idear where we was going to get sent as they's several places where +the boys can go on leave like Aix le Bains and Nice and etc. and we didn't +know which 1 it would be. So today we was talking about it and I said I +wished I knew for sure and Jack Brady stands pretty good with 1 of the +lieuts. so he says he would ask him right out. So he went and asked him and +the lieut. told him Cologne. + +Well Al I hadn't no sooner found out when 1 of the boys hands me a letter +that just come and it was a letter from this baby doll that I told you +about that's in Cologne and I will coppy down the letter so you can see for +yourself what she says and here it is Al: + +_Dear Sammy Boy_: + +I was tres beaucoup to get your letter and will sure be glad to see you and +can hardly wait till you get here. Don't let them send you anywhere else +as Cologne is the prettiest town in France and the liveliest and we will +sure have some time going to shows etc. and I hope you bring along beaucoup +francs. Well I haven't time to write you much of a letter as I have got to +spend the afternoon at the dressmaker's. You see I am getting all dolled +up for my Sammy Boy. But be sure and let me know when you are going to get +here and when you reach Cologne jump right in a Noir et Blanc taxi and come +up to the house. You know the number so come along Sammy and make it toot +sweet. + +Yours with tres beaucoup, + +MARIE. + +So that's her letter Al and it looks like I was going to be in right in +old O. D. Cologne and it sure does look like fate was takeing a hand in +the game when things breaks this way and when I wrote to this gal the +first time I didn't have no idear of ever seeing her but the way things is +turning out it almost seems like we was meant to meet each other. Well Al +I only hope she has got some sence and won't get to likeing me to well or +of course all bets is off but if we can just be good pals and go around to +shows etc. together I don't see where I will be doing anything out of the +way. Only as I say don't say nothing about it to Bertha or nobody else as +people is libel to not understand and I guess most of them women back in +the U. S. thinks that when a man has been up at the front as long as we +have and then when he gets a few days leave he ought to take a running hop +step and jump to the nearest phonograph and put on a Rodeheaver record. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_In the Trenchs, May 20._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al just a line and it will probably be the last time I will +write you from the trenchs for a wile as our time is up tomorrow night and +the next time I write you it will probably be from Cologne and I will tell +you what kind of a time they show us there and all about it. I just got +through writeing a note to the little gal there telling her I would get +there as soon as possible but I couldn't tell her when that would be as I +don't know how far it is or how we get there but Brady said he thought it +was about 180 miles so I suppose they will make us walk. + +Well talk about a quite section and they hasn't even been a gun went off +all day or no areoplanes or nothing and here we thought we was going to see +a whole lot of excitement and we haven't fired a shot or throwed a grenade +or even saw a German all the wile we was here and we are just like when +we come only for those poor birds that went on that wild goose chase and +didn't come back and they's been some talk about sending another patrol +over to get revenge for those poor boys but I guess they won't nothing come +of it. It would be like sending good money after bad is the way I look +at it. + +Several of the boys has been calling me Sammy Boy today and I signed my +name that way in 1 of the notes I wrote that little gal and I suppose who +ever censored it told some of the boys about it and now they are trying to +kid me. Well Al I don't see where a censor has got any license to spill +stuff like that but they's no harm done and they can laugh at me all they +want to wile we are here as I will be the 1 that does the laughing when we +get to Cologne. And I guess a whole lot of them will wish they was this +same Sammy Boy when they see me paradeing up and down the blvd. with the +bell of the ball. O you sweet Marie. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_In the Trenchs, May 22._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al its all off and we are here yet and what is more we +are libel to be here till the duration of the war if we don't get killed +and believe me I would welcome death rather then stay in this he--ll hole +another 10 days and from now on I am going to take all the chances they is +to take and the sooner they finish me I will be glad of it and it looks +like it might come tonight Al as I have volunteered to go along with the +patrol that's going over and try and get even for what they done to our +pals. + +Well old pal it was understood when we come up here that we would be here +10 days and yesterday was the 10th day we was here. Well I happened to say +something yesterday to Sargent Crane about what time was we going and he +says where to and I said I thought our time was up and we was going to get +releived. So he says "Who is going to releive us and what and the he--ll do +you want to be releived of?" So I said I understood they didn't only keep a +regt. in the front line 10 days and then took them out and sent them to a +rest billet somewheres. So he says what do you call this but a rest billet? +So then I asked him how long we had to stay here and he said "Well it may +be a day or it may be all summer. But if we get ordered out in a hurry it +won't be to go to no rest billet but it will be to go up to where they are +fighting the war." + +So I made the remark that I wished somebody had of tipped me off as I had +fixed up a kind of a date thinking we would be through here in 10 days. So +he asked me where my date was at and I said Cologne. So then he kind of +smiled and said "O and when was you planing to start?" So I said "I was +figureing on starting tonight." So he waited a minute and then he said +"Well I don't know if I can fix it for you tonight or tomorrow night, but +they's some of the boys going to start in that direction one of them times +and I guess you can go along." + +Well Al I suppose Alcock and Brady and them has been playing another 1 of +their gags on me and I hope they enjoyed it and as far as I am conserned +they's no harm done. Cologne Al is way back of the German lines and when +Sargent Crane said they was some of the boys starting in that direction he +meant this here patrol. So I'm in on it Al and they didn't go last night +but tonight's the big night. And some of the boys is calling me Sammy Boy +and trying to make a monkey out of me but the smart Alex that's doing it +isn't none of them going along on this raid and that's just what a man +would expect from them. Because they's a few of us Al that come across +the old puddle to fight and the rest of them thinks they are at the Young +Peoples picnic. + +Your pal, JACK. + + + + +CHAPTER VI + +SIMPLE SIMON + + +_In the Trenchs, May 29._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al we have been haveing a lot of fun with a bird name Jack +Simon only the boys calls him Simple Simon and if you seen him you wouldn't +ask why because you would know why as soon as you seen him without asking +why as he keeps his mouth open all the wile so as he will be ready to +swallow whatever you tell him as you can tell him anything and he eats it +up. So the boys has been stuffing him full of storys of all kinds and he +eats them all up and you could tell him the reason they had the bob wire +out in front was to scratch yourself on it when the cuties was useing you +for a race track and he would eat it up. + +Well when we come in here and took over this section this bird was sick and +I don't know what ailed him only it couldn't of been brain fever but any +way he didn't join us in here till the day before yesterday but ever since +he joined us the boys has been stuffing him full and enjoying themself at +his expenses. Well the 1st. thing he asked me was if we had saw any actions +since we been here and I told him about a raid we was on the other night +before he come and we layed down a garage and then snuck over to the German +trenchs and jumped into them trying to get a hold of some prisoners but +we couldn't find head or tale of no Germans where our bunch jumped in as +they had ducked and hid somewheres when they found out we was comeing. So +he says he wished he could of been along as he might of picked up some +souvenirs over in their trenchs. + +That's 1 of his bugs Al is getting souvenirs as he is 1 of these here +souvenir hounds that it don't make no differents to him who wins the war as +long as he can get a ship load of junk to carry it back home and show it +off. So I told Johnny Alcock and some of the other boys about Simon wishing +he could of got some souvenirs so they framed up on him and begin selling +him junk that they told him they had picked it up over in the German +trenchs and Alcock blowed some cigarette smoke in a bottle and corked it up +and told him it was German tear gas and Simon give him 8 franks for it and +Jack Brady showed him a couple of laths tied together with a peace of wire +and told him it was a part of the areoplane that belonged to Guy Meyer the +French ace that brought down so many Dutchmans before they finely got him +and Brady said he hated to part with it as he had took it off a German +prisoner that he brought in but if Simon thought it was worth 20 franks he +could have it. So Simon bought it of him and wanted to know all about how +Brady come to get the prisoner and of course Brady had to make it up as we +haven't saw a German let alone take them a prisoner since we was back in +the training arears and wouldn't know they was any only for their artillery +and throwing up rockets at night and snipping at a man every time you go +out on a wire party or something. + +But any way Simon eats it up whatever you pull on him and some times I +feel sorry for him and feel like tipping him off but the boys fun would +be spoiled and believe me they need some kind of sport up here or pretty +soon we would all be worse off then Simon and we would be running around +fomenting at the mouth. + +Well Al I wished you would write once in a wile if its only a line as a +man likes to get mail once in a wile and I haven't heard from Florrie +for pretty near a month and then all as she said was that the reason she +hadn't wrote was because she wasn't feeling the best and I suppose she got +something in her eye but anything for an excuse to not write and you would +think I had stepped outdoors to wash the windows instead of being away from +her since last December. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_In the Trenchs, June 4._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al nothing doing as usual only patching things up once in a +wile and it would be as safe here as picking your teeth if our artillery +had a few brains as the Germans wouldn't never pay no tension to us if our +batterys would lay off them but we don't no sooner get a quite spell when +our guns cuts loose and remind Fritz that they's a war and then of course +the Dutchmens has got to pay for their board some way and they raise he--ll +for a wile and make everybody cross but as far as I can see they don't +nobody never get killed on 1 side or the other side but of course the +shells mess things up and keeps the boys busy makeing repairs where if our +artillery would keep their mouth shut why so would theirs and the boys +wouldn't never half to leave their dice game only for chow. + +But from all as we hear I guess they's no dice game going on up on some of +the other sections but they's another kind of a game going on up there and +so far the Dutchmens has got all the best of it but some of the boys says +wait till the Allys gets ready to strike back and they will make them look +like a sucker and the best way to do is wait till the other side has wore +themself out before you go back at them. Well I told them I have had a lot +of experience in big league baseball where they's stragety the same like in +war but I never heard none of the big league managers tell their boys to +not try and score till the other side had all the runs they was going to +get and further and more it looked to me like when the Germans did get wore +out they could rest up again in the best hotel in Paris. So Johnny Alcock +says oh they won't never get inside of Paris because the military police +will stop them at the city limits and ask them for their pass and then +where would they be? So I says tell that to Simple Simon and he shut up. + +Speaking about Simple Simon what do you think they have got him believeing +now. Well they told him Capt. Seeley had sent a patrol over the other +night to find out what ailed the Germans that they never showed themself +or started nothing against us and the patrol found out that Van Hindenburg +had took all the men out of the section opp. us and sent them up to the war +and left the trenchs opp. us empty so Simon asked him why we didn't go over +there and take them then and they told him because our trenchs was warmer +on acct. of being farther south. I suppose they will be telling him the +next thing that Capt. Seeley and Ludendorf married sisters and the 2 of +them has agreed to lay off each other. + +Well Al I am glad they have got somebody else to pick on besides me and of +course they can have a lot more fun with Simon as they's nothing to raw +that he won't eat it up wile in my case I was to smart for them and just +pretended like I fell for their gags as they would of been disappointed if +I hadn't of and as I say somebody has got to furnish amusement in a he--ll +hole like this or we would all be squirrel meat. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_In the Trenchs, June 7._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al here is a hot 1 that they pulled on this Simon bird +today and it was all as I could do to help from busting out laughing while +they was telling it to him. + +Well it seems like he must of been thinking that over what they told him +about they not being no Germans in the trenchs over opp. to where we are at +and it finely downed on him that if they wasn't nobody over there why who +was throwing up them flares and rockets every night. So today he said to +Brady he says "Didn't you birds tell me them trenchs over across the way +was empty?" So Brady says yes what of it. So Simon says "Well I notice +they's somebody over there at night times or else who throws up them flares +as they don't throw themselfs up." So Brady says they had probably left a +flare thrower over there to do that for them. But Simon says they must of +left a lot of flare throwers because the flares come from different places +along the line. + +So then Alcock cut in and says "Yes but you will notice they don't come +from different places at once and the bird that throws them gos from 1 +place to another so as we will think the trenchs is full of Germans." So +Simon says "They couldn't nobody go from 1 place to another place as fast +as them flares shoots up from different places." So Alcock says "No they +couldn't nobody do it if they walked but the man that throws them flares +don't walk because he hasn't got only 1 leg as his other leg was shot off +early in the war. But Van Hindenburg is so hard up for men that even if you +get a leg shot off as soon as the Dr. mops up the mess and sticks on the +court plaster they send the bird back in the war and put him on a job where +you don't half to walk. So they stuck this old guy in the motorcycle dept. +and now all as he does is ride up and down some quite section like this +here all night and stop every so often and throw up a flare to make us +think the place is dirty with Germans." + +Well Al Simon thought it over a wile and then asked Alcock how a man could +ride a motorcycle with only 1 leg and Alcock says "Why not because you +don't half to peddle a motorcycle as they run themself." So Simon says yes +but how about it when you want to get off? So Alcock says "What has a man's +legs got to do with him getting off of a motorcycle as long as you have got +your head to light on?" + +That is what they handed him Al and they hadn't hardly no sooner then got +through with that dose when Brady begun on the souvenirs. First he asked +him if he had got a hold of any new ones lately and Simon says no he hadn't +seen nobody that had any for sale and besides his jack was low so Brady +asked him how much did he have and he says about 4 franks. So Brady says +"Well you can't expect anybody to come across with anything first class for +no such chicken's food as that." So Simon says well even if he had a pocket +full of jack he couldn't buy nothing with it when they wasn't nothing to +buy. Then Brady asked him if he had saw the German speegle Ted Phillips had +picked up and Simon says no so Brady went and got Phillips and after a wile +he come back with him and Phillips said he had the speegle in his pocket +and he would show it to us if we promised to be carefull and not jar it out +of his hands wile he was showing it as he wouldn't have it broke for the +world. So Simon stood there with his eyes popping out and Phillips pulled +the speegle out of his pocket and it wasn't nothing only a dirty little +looking glass that you could pretty near crall through the cracks in it +and all the boys remarked what a odd little speegle it was and they hadn't +never saw 1 like it before and etc. and finely Simon couldn't keep his clam +shut no longer so he asked Phillips how much he would take for it. Well +Phillips says it wasn't for sale as speegles was scarce in Germany on acct. +of the war and that was why the Dutchmens always looked like a bum when +you took them a prisoner. So Simon asked him what price he would set on it +suppose he would sell it and Phillips says about 8 franks. Well Simon got +out all his jack and they wasn't only 4 franks and he showed it to Phillips +and said if he would take 10 franks for the speegle he would give him +4 franks down and the other 6 franks when he got hold of some jack so +Phillips hummed and hawed a wile and finely said all right Simon could have +it but he wouldn't never sell it to him only that it kept worring him so +much to carry it in his pocket for the fear he would loose it or break it. + +Well Al Phillips has got Simon's last 4 franks and Simon has got Phillips's +speegle and I suppose now that the boys sees how soft it is they will be +selling him stuff on credit and he will owe them his next months pay before +they get through with him and I suppose the next thing you know they will +keep their beard when they shave and sell it to him for German tobacco. +Well I would half to be pretty hard up before I went in on some skin game +like that and I would just as leave go up to 1 of them cripples that use to +spraddle all over the walk along 35 st. after the ball game and stick my +heel in their eye and romp off with their days receipts. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_In the Trenchs, June 11._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al it seems like Capt. Seeley is up on his ear because they +haven't took our regt. out of here yet because it seems Gen. Pershing told +Gen. Foch that he was to help himself to any part of the U. S. army and +throw them in where ever they was needed and they's been a bunch of the +boys throwed in along the other parts of the front to try and stop the +Germans and Capt. Seeley is raveing because they keep us here and don't +take us where we can get some actions. Any way 1 of the lieuts. told some +of the boys that if we didn't get took out of here pretty quick Capt. +Seeley would start a war of our own on this section and all the officers +was sore because we hadn't done nothing or took no prisoners or nothing you +might say only make repairs in the wire and etc. Well Al how in the he--ll +can we show them anything when they don't never send us over the top or +nowheres else but just leave us here moldering you might say but at that I +guess we have showed as much life as the birds that's over there opp. us in +them other trenchs that hasn't hardly peeped since we come in here and the +boys says they are a Saxon regt. that comes from part of Germany where the +Kaiser is thought of the same as a gum boil so the Saxons feels kind of +friendly towards us and they will leave us alone as long as we leave them +alone and visa and versa. So I don't see where Capt. Seeley and them other +officers has got a right to pan us for not showing nothing but I don't +blame them for wishing they would take us out of here and show us the war +and from all as we hear they's plenty of places where we could do some good +or at lease as much good as the birds that has been there. + +Well Al they have been stringing poor Simon along and today they give him +a song and dance about some bird name Joe in the regt. that was here ahead +of us that got a collection of souvenirs that makes Simon's look rotten and +they said the guy's pals called him Souvenir Joe on acct. of him haveing +such a fine collection. So Brady says to Simon "All you have got is 5 or +6 articles and the next thing you know they will be takeing us out of here +and you might maybe never get another chance to pick up any more rare +articles so if I was you I would either get busy and get a real collection +or throw away them things you have got and forget it." + +So Simon says "How can I get any more souvenirs when I haven't no more jack +to buy them and besides you birds haven't no more to sell." So Brady says +"Souvenir Joe didn't buy his collection but he went out and got them." So +Simon asked him where at and Brady told him this here Joe use to crall out +in Nobody's Land every night and pick up something and Simon says it was a +wonder he didn't get killed. So Brady says "How would he get killed as the +trenchs over across the way was just as empty when he was here as they are +now and Old 1 Legged Mike and his motorcycle was on the job then to, so Joe +would wait till Mike had throwed a few flares on this section and then he +would sneak out and get his souvenirs before Mike come back again on his +rounds." + +Well then Simon asked him where the souvenirs was out there and Brady says +they was in the different shell holes because most of Joe's souvenirs was +the insides of German shells that had exploded and they was the best kind +of souvenirs as they wasn't no chance of them being a fake. + +Well Al I had a notion to take Simon to 1 side and tell him to not pay no +tension to these smart alex because the poor crum might go snooping out +there some night after the insides of a shell and get the outsides and +all and if something like that happened to him I would feel like a murder +though I haven't never took no part in makeing a monkey out of him, but I +thought well if the poor cheese don't know no more then that he is better +off dead let him go. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_In the Trenchs, June 13._ + +FRIEND AL: Just a line Al as I am to excited to write much but I knew you +would want to know the big news. Well Al I have got a daughter born the +18 of May. How is that for a supprise Al but I guess you won't be no more +supprised than I was when the news come as Florrie hadn't gave me no hint +and a man can't guess a thing like that when you are in France and the lady +in question is back in old Chi. But it sure is wonderfull news Al and I +only wished I was somewheres where I could celebrate it right but you can't +even whistle here or somebody would crown you with a shovle. + +Well Al the news come today in a letter from Florrie's sister Marie Allen +and she has been down in Texas but I suppose Florrie got her to come up +and stay with her though as far as I can sec its bad enough to have a baby +without haveing that bird in the house to, but they's I consolation we +haven't got rm. in the apt. for more than 2 kids and 3 grown ups so when +I get home if sweet Marie is still there yet we will either half to get +rid of the Swede cook or she, and when it comes to a choice between a ski +jumper that will work and a sister that won't why Florrie won't be bothered +with no family ties. + +Any way I haven't no time to worry about no Allen family now as I am +feeling to good and all as I wish is that somebody wins this war dam toot +sweet so as I can get home and see this little chick Al and I bet she is as +pretty as a picture and she couldn't be nothing else you might say and I +have wrote to Florrie to not name her or nothing till I have my say as you +turn a woman loose on nameing somebody all alone and they go nuts and look +through a seed catalog. + +Well old pal I know you would congratulate me if you was here and I am only +sorry I can't return the complement and if I was you and Bertha I would +adopt 1 of these here Belgium orphans that's lost their parents as they's +nothing like it Al haveing a kid or 2 in the house and I bet little Al is +tickled to death with his little sister. + +Well Al I have told all the boys about it and they have been haveing a lot +of fun with me but any way they call me Papa now which is a he--ll of a lot +better then Sammy Boy. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_In the Trenchs, June 14._ + +FRIEND AL: I am all most to nervous to write Al but anything is better then +setting around thinking and besides I want you to know what has came off so +as you will know what come off in the case something happens. + +Well Al Simple Simon's gone. We don't know if he's dead or alive or what +the he--ll and all as we know is that he was here last night and he ain't +here today and they hasn't nobody seen or heard of him. + +Of course Al that isn't all we know neither as we can just about guess what +happened. But I have gave my word to not spill nothing about what the boys +pulled on him or god knows what Capt. Seeley would do to them. + +Well Al I got up this A. M. feeling fine as I had slept better then any +time for a wk. and I dreamt about the little gal back home that ain't never +seen her daddy or don't know if she's got 1 or not but in my dream she +knowed me O. K. as I dreamt I had just got home and Florrie wasn't there +to meet me as usual but I rung the bell and the ski jumper let me in and I +asked her where Florrie was and she said she had went out somewheres with +little Al so I was going out and look for them but the Swede says the baby +is here if you want to see her and I asked her what baby and she says why +your new little baby girl. + +So then I heard a baby crying somewheres in the house and I went in the +bed rm. and this little mite jumped right up out of bed and all of a sudden +she was 3 yrs. old instead of a mo. and she come running to me and hollered +daddy. So then I grabbed her up and we begin danceing around but all of a +sudden it was I and Florrie that was danceing together and little Al and +the little gal was danceing around us and then I woke up Al and found I +was still in this he--ll hole but the dream was so happy that I was still +feeling good over it yet and besides it looked like the sun had forgot it +was in France and was going to shine for a while. + +Well pretty soon along come Corp. Evans and called me to 1 side and asked +me what I knew about Simon. So I says what about him. So Corp. Evans says +he is missing and they hasn't nobody saw him since last night. So I says I +didn't know nothing about him but if anything had happened to him they was +a lot of birds in this Co. that ought to pay for it. So Corp. Evans asked +me what was I driveing at and I started in to tell him about Alcock and +Brady and them kidding this poor bird to death and Corp. Evans says yes he +knew all about that and the best thing to do was to shut up about it as it +would get everybody in bad. He says "Wait a couple days any way and maybe +he will show up O. K. and then they won't be no sence in spilling all this +stuff." So I says all right I would wait a couple days but these birds +ought to get theirs if something serious has happened and if he don't show +up by that time I won't make no promise to spill all I know. So Corp. Evans +says I didn't half to make no promise as he would spill the beans himself +if Simon isn't O. K. + +Well Al of course all the boys had heard the news by the time I got to talk +to them and they's 2 or 3 of them that feels pretty sick over it and no +wonder and the bird that feels the sickest is Alcock and here is why. Well +it seems like yesterday while I was telling all the boys about the news +from home Simon was giveing Alcock a ear full of that junk Brady had been +slipping him about Souvenir Joe and Simon asked Alcock if he thought they +was still any of them souvenirs worth going after out in them shell holes. +So Alcock says of course they must be as some of the holes was made new +since we been here. But Alcock told him that if he was him he wouldn't +waist no time collecting the insides of German shells as the Germans was +so hard up for mettle and etc. now days that the shells they was sending +over was about 1/2 full of cheese and stuff that wouldn't keep. So Alcock +says to him "What you ought to go after is a Saxon because you can bet +that Souvenir Joe didn't get none and if you would get 1 all the boys would +begin calling you Souvenir Simon instead of Simple Simon and you would make +Souvenir Joe look like a dud." + +Well Al Simon didn't know a Saxon from a hang nail so he asked Alcock what +they looked like and Alcock told him to never mind as he couldn't help from +knowing 1 if he ever seen it so then Simon asked him where they was libel +to be and Alcock told him probably over in some of the shell holes near the +German trench. + +That's what come off yesterday wile I was busy telling everybody about the +little gal as you can bet I would of put Simon wise had I of been in on it +and now Al he's gone and they don't nobody know what's became of him but +they's a lot of us that's got a pretty good idear and as I say they's 2 or +3 feels pretty sick and one a specially. But I guess at that they don't no +one feel no worse then me though they can't nobody say I am to blame for +what's happened but still in all I might of interfered because I am the +only 1 of them that has got a heart Al and the only reason Alcock and Brady +is so sick now is that they are scared to death of what will happen to them +if they get found out. Because their smartness won't get them nothing up in +front of the Court Marshall as he has seen to many birds just like them. + +Well Al I am on post duty tonight and maybe you don't know what that means. +Well old pal its no Elks carnivle at no time and just think what it will be +tonight with your ears straining for a cry from out there. And if the cry +comes Al they won't only be the 1 thing to do and I will be the 1 to do it. + +So this may be the last time you will hear from me old pal and I wanted you +to know in the case anything come off just how it happened as I won't be +here to write it to you afterwards. + +All as I can think about now Al is 2 things and 1 of them is that little +gal back home that won't never see her daddy but maybe when she gets 4 or +5 yrs. old she will ask her mother "Why haven't I got a daddy like other +little girls?" But maybe she will have 1 by that time Al. But what I am +thinking about the most is that poor 1/2 wit out there and as Brady says he +isn't nothing but a Mormon any way and ought never to of got in the army +but still and all he is a man and its our duty to fight and die for him if +needs to be. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_In the Hospital, July 20._ + +FRIEND AL: You will half to excuse this writeing as I am proped up in a +funny position in bed and its all as I can do to keep the paper steady as +my left arm ain't no more use then the Russian front. + +Well Al yesterday was the 1st. time they left me set up and I wrote a +letter to Florrie and told her I was getting along O. K. as I didn't want +she should worry and this time I will try and write to you. I suppose you +got the note that the little nurse wrote for me about 2 wks. ago and told +you I was getting better. Well old pal the gal that wrote you that little +note is some baby and if you could see the kid that wrote you that little +note you would wished you was laying here in my place. No I guess you +wouldn't wished that Al as they's nobody that would want to go through what +I have been through and they's very few that could stand it like I have and +keep on smileing. + +Well old pal they thought for a wile that it was Feeney for yrs. truly as +they say over here and believe me I was in such pain that I would of been +glad to die to get rid of the pain and the Dr. said it was a good thing I +was such a game bird and had such a physic or I couldn't of never stood it. +But I am not strong enough yet to set this way very long so if I am going +to tell you what happened I had better start in. + +Well Al this is the 20 of July and that means I have been in here 5 wks. +as it was the 14 of June when all this come off. Well Al I can remember +writeing to you the day of the night it come off and I guess I told you +about this bird Simon getting lost that was always after the souvenirs and +some of the boys told him they wasn't no Germans over in the other trenchs +but just a bird name Motorcycle Mike that went up and down the section +throwing flares so as we would think they was Germans over there. So they +told him if he wanted to go out in Nobody's Land and spear souvenirs it was +safe if you went just after Mike had made his rounds so as the snippers +wouldn't get you. + +Well old pal I was standing there looking out over Nobody's Land that night +and I couldn't think of nothing only poor Simon and listening to hear if I +couldn't maybe hear him call from somewheres out there and I don't know how +long I had been standing there when I heard a kind of a noise like somebody +scrunching and at the same time they was a flare throwed up from our side +and I seen a figure out there cralling on the ground quite a ways beyond +our wire. Well Al I didn't wait to look twice but I called Corp. Evans and +told him. So he says who did I think it was and I said it must be Simon. So +he says "Well Keefe its up to 1 of us to go get him." So I said "Well Corp. +I guess its my job." So he says "All right Keefe if you feel that way about +it." So I says all right and I'll say Al that he give up his claims without +a struggle. + +Well I started and I was going without my riffle but the Corp. stopped me +and says take it along and I says "What for, do you think I am going to +pick Simon up with a bayonet." So he says who told me it was Simon out +there. Well Al that's the 1st. time I stopped to think it might maybe be +somebody else. + +Well Florrie use to say that I couldn't get up in the night for a drink of +water without everybody in the bldg. thinking the world serious must of +started but I bet I didn't knock over no chairs on this trip. Well Al it +took me long enough to get out there as you can bet I wasn't trying for no +record and every time they was a noise I had to lay flat and not buge. But +I got there Al to where I thought I had saw this bird moveing around but +they hadn't no rockets went up since I started and it was like a troop ship +and I couldn't make out no figure of a man or nothing else and I was just +going to whisper Simon's name when I reached out my hand and touched him. +Well Al it wasn't Simon. + +Well old pal we had some battle this bird and me and the both of us forgot +bayonets and guns and everything else. I would of killed him sure only he +got a hold of my left hand between his teeth and I couldn't pry it loose. +But believe me Al he took a awful beating with my free hand and I will half +to hand it to him for a game bird only what chance did he have? None Al and +the battle couldn't only end the 1 way and I was just getting ready to grab +his wind pipe and shut off the meter when he left go of my other hand and +let out a yell that you could hear all over the great lakes and then all +of a sudden it seemed like everybody was takeing a flash light and then the +bullets come whizzing from all sides it seemed like and they got me 3 times +Al and never pinked this other bird once. Well Al it wasn't till 2 wks. ago +that I found out that my opponent was Johnny Alcock. + +Just 2 wks. ago yesterday Johnny come in and seen me and told me the whole +story and it was the 1st. day they left me see anybody only the Dr. and the +little nurse and was the 1st. day Johnny was able to be up and around. How +is that Al to put a man in the hospital for 3 wks. without useing no gun or +knife or nothing on him only 1 bear fist. Some fist eh Al. + +Well it seems like he had been worring so about Simon that he finely went +out there snooping around all by himself looking for him and he was the 1 I +seen when that flare went up and of course we each thought the other 1 was +a German and finely it was him yelling and the rockets going up at the same +time that drawed the fire and I got all of it because I was the bird on +top. + +But listen Al till you hear the funny part of it. Simple Simon the bird +that we was both out there looking for him showed up in our trench about a +1/2 hr. after we was brought in and he showed up with a Saxon all right but +the Saxon was dead. Well Al Simon told them that he had ran into this guy +over near their wire and that he was alive when he got him, but Alcock says +that Brady said Simon hadn't only been gone 24 hrs. and the Saxon had been +gone a he--ll of a lot longer than that. + +Well they's no hard feeling between Alcock and I and I guess I more then +got even with him for eating out of my hand as they say but Johnny said it +was a shame I couldn't of used some of my strength on a German instead of +him but any way its all over now and the Dr. says my leg is pretty near O. +K. and I can walk on it in a couple wks. but my left arm won't be no use +for god knows how long and maybe never and I guess I'm lucky they didn't +half to clip it off. So I don't know when I will get out of here or where I +will go from here but I guess they's 1 little party that ain't in no hurry +to see me go and I wished you could see her look at me Al and you would say +its to bad I am a married man with 2 kids. + +Your pal, JACK. + +[Illustration: And I wished you could see her look at me, Al] + + * * * * * + +_Somwheres in France, Aug. 16._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al I don't suppose this will reach you any sooner then if I +took it with me and mailed it when I get home but I haven't nothing to do +for a few hrs. so I might as well be writeing you the news. + +Well old pal I am homewards bound as they say as the war is Feeney as far +as I am conserned and I am sailing tonight along with a lot of the other +boys that's being sent home for good and when I look at some of the rest of +them I guess I am lucky to be in as good a shape as I am. I am O. K. only +for my arm and wile it won't never be as good as it was I can probably get +to use it pretty good in a few months and all as I can say is thank god it +is my left arm and not the old souper that use to stand Cobb and them on +their head and it will stand them on their head again Al as soon as this +war is over and I guess I won't half to go begging to Comiskey to give me +another chance after what I have done as even if I couldn't pitch up a +alley I would be a money maker for them just setting on the bench and +showing myself after this. + +Well we are saying good by to old France and I don't know how the rest +of the boys feels but I am not haveing no trouble controling myself and +when it comes down to cases Al the shoe is on the other ft. and what I am +getting at is that France ought to be the 1 that hates to see us leave as I +doubt if they will ever get a bunch of spenders like us over here again. + +Well Al it certainly seems quite down here in this old sea port town after +what we have been through and it seems like I can still hear them big guns +roar and them riffles crack and etc. and I feel like I ought to keep my +head down all the wile and keep out of the snippers way and I could all +most shut my eyes and imagine I was back there again in that he--ll hole +but I know I'm not Al as I don't itch. + +Well Al my wounds isn't the only reason I am comeing home but they's +another reason and that is that they want some of us poplar idles to help +rouse up the public on this here next Liberty Loan and I don't mind it as +they have promised to send me home to Chi and I can be with Florrie and +the kids. I will do what I can Al though I can't figure where the public +would need any rouseing up and they certainly wouldn't if they had of been +through what I have been through and maybe some of the other boys to. It +takes jack to run a war Al even if us boys don't get none of it or what we +do get they either send it home to our wife or take it away from us in a +crap game. + +Well old pal I left the hospital the day before yesterday and that was the +only time I felt like crying since they told me I was going home and it +wasn't so much for myself Al but that poor little nurse and you would of +felt like crying to if you could of seen the look she give me. Her name is +Charlotte Warren and she lives in Minneapolis and expects to go right back +there after she is through over here but that don't do me no good as a +married man with a couple children has got something better to do besides +flirting with a pretty little nurse and besides I won't never pitch ball in +Minneapolis as I expect to quit the game when I am about 40. + +Well Al some of the boys wants to say their farewells to the Vin Rouge and +the la la las and I will half to close and I will write again as soon as I +get home and tell you what the baby gal looks like though they's only the 1 +way she could look and that's good. + +Well here is good by to France and good luck to all the boys that's going +to stay over here and Simple Simon with the rest of them and I suppose I +ought to of got a few souvenirs off him to bring home with me. But I guess +at that I will be carrying a souvenir of this war for a long wile Al and +its better than any of them foney ones he has got as the 1 I have got shows +I was realy in it and done my bit for old Glory and the U. S. A. + +Your pal, JACK. + + * * * * * + +_Chicago, Aug. 29._ + +FRIEND AL: Well Al here I am back in old Chi and feeling pretty good only +for my arm and my left leg is still stiff yet and I caught a mean cold +comeing across the old pond but what is a few little things like that as +the main thing is being home. + +Well old pal they wasn't nothing happened on the trip across the old pond +only it took a whole lot to long and believe me old N. Y. looked good but +believe me I wouldn't waist no time in N. Y. only long enough to climb +outside a big steak and the waiter had to cut it up for me but even the +waiters treated us fine and everywheres we showed up the people was wild +about us and cheered and clapped and it sounded like old times when I use +to walk out there to warm up. + +Well we hit N. Y. in the A. M. and left that night and got here last eve. +and I didn't leave Florrie know just when I was comeing as I wanted to +supprise her. Well Al I ought to of wired ahead and told her to go easy on +my poor old arm because when she opened the door and seen me she give a +running hop step and jump and dam near killed me. So then she seen my arm +in a sling and cried and cried and she says "Oh my poor boy what have you +been through." So I says "Well you have been through something yourself so +its 50 50 only I got this from a German." + +Well Al little Al was the cutest thing you ever seen and he grabbed me by +the good hand and rushed me in to where the little stranger was laying and +she was asleep but we broke the rules for once and all and all it was some +party and she is some little gal Al and pretty as a picture and when you +can say that for a 3 mos. old its going some as the most of them looks like +a French breakfast. + +Well I finely happened to think of Sister Marie and I asked where she was +at and Florrie says she went back to Texas so I says tough luck and Florrie +says I needn't get so gay the 1st. evening home and she says "Any way we +have still got a Marie in the house as that is what I call the baby." +So I says "Well you can think of her that way but her name ain't going +to be that as I don't like the name." So she says what name did I like +and I pretended like I was thinking a wile and finely I says what is the +matter with Charlotte. Well Al you will half to hand it to the women for +detectives as I hadn't no sooner said the name when she says "Oh no you +can't come home and name my baby after none of your French nurses." And I +hadn't told her nothing about a nurse. + +Well any way I says I had met a whole lot more Maries then Charlottes in +France and she says had I met any Florries and I said no and that was realy +the name I had picked out for the kid. So she says well she didn't like the +name herself but it was the only name I could pick out that she wouldn't be +suspicious of it so the little gal is named after her mother Al and if she +only grows up 1/2 as pretty as her old lady it won't make no differents if +she has got a funny name. + +Well Al have you noticed what direction the Dutchmens is makeing their +drive in now? They started going the other way the 18 of July and it was 2 +days ahead of that time that our regt. was moved over to the war and now +they are running them ragged. Well Al I wished I was there to help but even +if I was worth a dam to fight I couldn't very well leave home just now. + +Your pal, JACK. + + +THE END + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Real Dope, by Ring Lardner + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE REAL DOPE *** + +This file should be named rldpe10.txt or rldpe10.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, rldpe11.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, rldpe10a.txt + +Eric Eldred, William Flis and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we usually do not +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +We are now trying to release all our eBooks one year in advance +of the official release dates, leaving time for better editing. +Please be encouraged to tell us about any error or corrections, +even years after the official publication date. + +Please note neither this listing nor its contents are final til +midnight of the last day of the month of any such announcement. +The official release date of all Project Gutenberg eBooks is at +Midnight, Central Time, of the last day of the stated month. A +preliminary version may often be posted for suggestion, comment +and editing by those who wish to do so. + +Most people start at our Web sites at: +http://gutenberg.net or +http://promo.net/pg + +These Web sites include award-winning information about Project +Gutenberg, including how to donate, how to help produce our new +eBooks, and how to subscribe to our email newsletter (free!). + + +Those of you who want to download any eBook before announcement +can get to them as follows, and just download by date. This is +also a good way to get them instantly upon announcement, as the +indexes our cataloguers produce obviously take a while after an +announcement goes out in the Project Gutenberg Newsletter. + +http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/etext03 or +ftp://ftp.ibiblio.org/pub/docs/books/gutenberg/etext03 + +Or /etext02, 01, 00, 99, 98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90 + +Just search by the first five letters of the filename you want, +as it appears in our Newsletters. + + +Information about Project Gutenberg (one page) + +We produce about two million dollars for each hour we work. The +time it takes us, a rather conservative estimate, is fifty hours +to get any eBook selected, entered, proofread, edited, copyright +searched and analyzed, the copyright letters written, etc. Our +projected audience is one hundred million readers. If the value +per text is nominally estimated at one dollar then we produce $2 +million dollars per hour in 2002 as we release over 100 new text +files per month: 1240 more eBooks in 2001 for a total of 4000+ +We are already on our way to trying for 2000 more eBooks in 2002 +If they reach just 1-2% of the world's population then the total +will reach over half a trillion eBooks given away by year's end. + +The Goal of Project Gutenberg is to Give Away 1 Trillion eBooks! +This is ten thousand titles each to one hundred million readers, +which is only about 4% of the present number of computer users. + +Here is the briefest record of our progress (* means estimated): + +eBooks Year Month + + 1 1971 July + 10 1991 January + 100 1994 January + 1000 1997 August + 1500 1998 October + 2000 1999 December + 2500 2000 December + 3000 2001 November + 4000 2001 October/November + 6000 2002 December* + 9000 2003 November* +10000 2004 January* + + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation has been created +to secure a future for Project Gutenberg into the next millennium. + +We need your donations more than ever! + +As of February, 2002, contributions are being solicited from people +and organizations in: Alabama, Alaska, Arkansas, Connecticut, +Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Illinois, +Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Massachusetts, +Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New +Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, Ohio, +Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South +Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West +Virginia, Wisconsin, and Wyoming. + +We have filed in all 50 states now, but these are the only ones +that have responded. + +As the requirements for other states are met, additions to this list +will be made and fund raising will begin in the additional states. +Please feel free to ask to check the status of your state. + +In answer to various questions we have received on this: + +We are constantly working on finishing the paperwork to legally +request donations in all 50 states. If your state is not listed and +you would like to know if we have added it since the list you have, +just ask. + +While we cannot solicit donations from people in states where we are +not yet registered, we know of no prohibition against accepting +donations from donors in these states who approach us with an offer to +donate. + +International donations are accepted, but we don't know ANYTHING about +how to make them tax-deductible, or even if they CAN be made +deductible, and don't have the staff to handle it even if there are +ways. + +Donations by check or money order may be sent to: + +Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +PMB 113 +1739 University Ave. +Oxford, MS 38655-4109 + +Contact us if you want to arrange for a wire transfer or payment +method other than by check or money order. + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation has been approved by +the US Internal Revenue Service as a 501(c)(3) organization with EIN +[Employee Identification Number] 64-622154. Donations are +tax-deductible to the maximum extent permitted by law. As fund-raising +requirements for other states are met, additions to this list will be +made and fund-raising will begin in the additional states. + +We need your donations more than ever! + +You can get up to date donation information online at: + +http://www.gutenberg.net/donation.html + + +*** + +If you can't reach Project Gutenberg, +you can always email directly to: + +Michael S. Hart <hart@pobox.com> + +Prof. Hart will answer or forward your message. + +We would prefer to send you information by email. + + +**The Legal Small Print** + + +(Three Pages) + +***START**THE SMALL PRINT!**FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN EBOOKS**START*** +Why is this "Small Print!" statement here? You know: lawyers. +They tell us you might sue us if there is something wrong with +your copy of this eBook, even if you got it for free from +someone other than us, and even if what's wrong is not our +fault. So, among other things, this "Small Print!" statement +disclaims most of our liability to you. It also tells you how +you may distribute copies of this eBook if you want to. + +*BEFORE!* YOU USE OR READ THIS EBOOK +By using or reading any part of this PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm +eBook, you indicate that you understand, agree to and accept +this "Small Print!" statement. If you do not, you can receive +a refund of the money (if any) you paid for this eBook by +sending a request within 30 days of receiving it to the person +you got it from. If you received this eBook on a physical +medium (such as a disk), you must return it with your request. + +ABOUT PROJECT GUTENBERG-TM EBOOKS +This PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm eBook, like most PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm eBooks, +is a "public domain" work distributed by Professor Michael S. Hart +through the Project Gutenberg Association (the "Project"). +Among other things, this means that no one owns a United States copyright +on or for this work, so the Project (and you!) can copy and +distribute it in the United States without permission and +without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth +below, apply if you wish to copy and distribute this eBook +under the "PROJECT GUTENBERG" trademark. + +Please do not use the "PROJECT GUTENBERG" trademark to market +any commercial products without permission. + +To create these eBooks, the Project expends considerable +efforts to identify, transcribe and proofread public domain +works. Despite these efforts, the Project's eBooks and any +medium they may be on may contain "Defects". Among other +things, Defects may take the form of incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other +intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged +disk or other eBook medium, a computer virus, or computer +codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment. + +LIMITED WARRANTY; DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES +But for the "Right of Replacement or Refund" described below, +[1] Michael Hart and the Foundation (and any other party you may +receive this eBook from as a PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm eBook) disclaims +all liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including +legal fees, and [2] YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE OR +UNDER STRICT LIABILITY, OR FOR BREACH OF WARRANTY OR CONTRACT, +INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE +OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES, EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE +POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGES. + +If you discover a Defect in this eBook within 90 days of +receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any) +you paid for it by sending an explanatory note within that +time to the person you received it from. If you received it +on a physical medium, you must return it with your note, and +such person may choose to alternatively give you a replacement +copy. If you received it electronically, such person may +choose to alternatively give you a second opportunity to +receive it electronically. + +THIS EBOOK IS OTHERWISE PROVIDED TO YOU "AS-IS". NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, ARE MADE TO YOU AS +TO THE EBOOK OR ANY MEDIUM IT MAY BE ON, INCLUDING BUT NOT +LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A +PARTICULAR PURPOSE. + +Some states do not allow disclaimers of implied warranties or +the exclusion or limitation of consequential damages, so the +above disclaimers and exclusions may not apply to you, and you +may have other legal rights. + +INDEMNITY +You will indemnify and hold Michael Hart, the Foundation, +and its trustees and agents, and any volunteers associated +with the production and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm +texts harmless, from all liability, cost and expense, including +legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of the +following that you do or cause: [1] distribution of this eBook, +[2] alteration, modification, or addition to the eBook, +or [3] any Defect. + +DISTRIBUTION UNDER "PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm" +You may distribute copies of this eBook electronically, or by +disk, book or any other medium if you either delete this +"Small Print!" and all other references to Project Gutenberg, +or: + +[1] Only give exact copies of it. Among other things, this + requires that you do not remove, alter or modify the + eBook or this "small print!" statement. You may however, + if you wish, distribute this eBook in machine readable + binary, compressed, mark-up, or proprietary form, + including any form resulting from conversion by word + processing or hypertext software, but only so long as + *EITHER*: + + [*] The eBook, when displayed, is clearly readable, and + does *not* contain characters other than those + intended by the author of the work, although tilde + (~), asterisk (*) and underline (_) characters may + be used to convey punctuation intended by the + author, and additional characters may be used to + indicate hypertext links; OR + + [*] The eBook may be readily converted by the reader at + no expense into plain ASCII, EBCDIC or equivalent + form by the program that displays the eBook (as is + the case, for instance, with most word processors); + OR + + [*] You provide, or agree to also provide on request at + no additional cost, fee or expense, a copy of the + eBook in its original plain ASCII form (or in EBCDIC + or other equivalent proprietary form). + +[2] Honor the eBook refund and replacement provisions of this + "Small Print!" statement. + +[3] Pay a trademark license fee to the Foundation of 20% of the + gross profits you derive calculated using the method you + already use to calculate your applicable taxes. If you + don't derive profits, no royalty is due. Royalties are + payable to "Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation" + the 60 days following each date you prepare (or were + legally required to prepare) your annual (or equivalent + periodic) tax return. Please contact us beforehand to + let us know your plans and to work out the details. + +WHAT IF YOU *WANT* TO SEND MONEY EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO? +Project Gutenberg is dedicated to increasing the number of +public domain and licensed works that can be freely distributed +in machine readable form. + +The Project gratefully accepts contributions of money, time, +public domain materials, or royalty free copyright licenses. +Money should be paid to the: +"Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +If you are interested in contributing scanning equipment or +software or other items, please contact Michael Hart at: +hart@pobox.com + +[Portions of this eBook's header and trailer may be reprinted only +when distributed free of all fees. Copyright (C) 2001, 2002 by +Michael S. Hart. Project Gutenberg is a TradeMark and may not be +used in any sales of Project Gutenberg eBooks or other materials be +they hardware or software or any other related product without +express permission.] + +*END THE SMALL PRINT! FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN EBOOKS*Ver.02/11/02*END* + diff --git a/old/rldpe10.zip b/old/rldpe10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9fb35d1 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/rldpe10.zip diff --git a/old/rldpe10h.zip b/old/rldpe10h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1437d04 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/rldpe10h.zip |
