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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 05:29:16 -0700 |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/7244-h.zip b/7244-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1e7d4cc --- /dev/null +++ b/7244-h.zip diff --git a/7244-h/7244-h.htm b/7244-h/7244-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1269e2b --- /dev/null +++ b/7244-h/7244-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1869 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> +<title>A CONNECTICUT YANKEE, By Twain, Part 3.</title> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1"> + +<style type="text/css"> + <!-- + body {background:#faebd7; margin:10%; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; + margin-top: .75em; + margin-bottom: .75em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; } + HR { width: 33%; text-align: center; } + blockquote {font-size: 97% } + .figleft {float: left;} + .figright {float: right;} + .toc { margin-left: 15%; margin-bottom: 0em;} + CENTER { padding: 10px;} + // --> +</style> + +</head> +<body> + +<h2>A CONNECTICUT YANKEE, By Twain, Part 3.</h2> +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's +Court, Part 3., by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court, Part 3. + +Author: Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) + +Release Date: July 6, 2004 [EBook #7244] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CONNECTICUT YANKEE *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + + + + + + + +<br> +<hr> +<br><br><br><br><br><br> + + + +<center> +<img alt="bookcover.jpg (121K)" src="images/bookcover.jpg" height="1017" width="952"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center> +<img alt="Extra.jpg (144K)" src="images/Extra.jpg" height="743" width="1117"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<center> +<img alt="titlepage.jpg (58K)" src="images/titlepage.jpg" height="1066" width="779"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + + + +<h1>A CONNECTICUT YANKEE +<br><br>IN KING ARTHUR'S COURT</h1> +<br> +<h3>by</h3> +<br> +<h2>MARK TWAIN</h2> +<h3>(Samuel L. Clemens) +<br><br> +Part 3. +</h3> + +<br><br><br><br> + + + +<h2>CONTENTS:</h2> +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + + +<a href="#c12">CHAPTER XII.</a> </td><td>SLOW TORTURE<br></td></tr><tr><td> +<a href="#c13">CHAPTER XIII.</a> </td><td>FREEMEN!<br></td></tr><tr><td> +<a href="#c14">CHAPTER XIV.</a> </td><td>"DEFEND THEE, LORD!<br></td></tr><tr><td> +<a href="#c15">CHAPTER XV. </a> </td><td>SANDY'S TALE<br></td></tr><tr><td> +<a href="#c16">CHAPTER XVI.</a> </td><td>MORGAN LE FAY<br></td></tr> + + +</table> +</center> + + + + +<br><br><br><br> +<center> +<img alt="12-139.jpg (123K)" src="images/12-139.jpg" height="1007" width="695"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<br><br><a name="c12"></a><br><br><center><h2>CHAPTER XII</h2></center><br><br> + + + +<br><br><br><br> +<center> +<img alt="12-141.jpg (134K)" src="images/12-141.jpg" height="927" width="741"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> +<p>SLOW TORTURE</p> + +<p>Straight off, we were in the country. It was most lovely and +pleasant in those sylvan solitudes in the early cool morning +in the first freshness of autumn. From hilltops we saw fair +green valleys lying spread out below, with streams winding through +them, and island groves of trees here and there, and huge lonely +oaks scattered about and casting black blots of shade; and beyond +the valleys we saw the ranges of hills, blue with haze, stretching +away in billowy perspective to the horizon, with at wide intervals +a dim fleck of white or gray on a wave-summit, which we knew was +a castle. We crossed broad natural lawns sparkling with dew, +and we moved like spirits, the cushioned turf giving out no sound +of footfall; we dreamed along through glades in a mist of green +light that got its tint from the sun-drenched roof of leaves +overhead, and by our feet the clearest and coldest of runlets +went frisking and gossiping over its reefs and making a sort of +whispering music, comfortable to hear; and at times we left the +world behind and entered into the solemn great deeps and rich +gloom of the forest, where furtive wild things whisked and scurried +by and were gone before you could even get your eye on the place +where the noise was; and where only the earliest birds were turning +out and getting to business with a song here and a quarrel yonder +and a mysterious far-off hammering and drumming for worms on +a tree trunk away somewhere in the impenetrable remotenesses of +the woods. And by and by out we would swing again into the glare.</p> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center> +<img alt="12-142.jpg (66K)" src="images/12-142.jpg" height="454" width="722"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>About the third or fourth or fifth time that we swung out into +the glare—it was along there somewhere, a couple of hours or so +after sun-up—it wasn't as pleasant as it had been. It was +beginning to get hot. This was quite noticeable. We had a very +long pull, after that, without any shade. Now it is curious how +progressively little frets grow and multiply after they once get +a start. Things which I didn't mind at all, at first, I began +to mind now—and more and more, too, all the time. The first +ten or fifteen times I wanted my handkerchief I didn't seem to care; +I got along, and said never mind, it isn't any matter, and dropped +it out of my mind. But now it was different; I wanted it all +the time; it was nag, nag, nag, right along, and no rest; I couldn't +get it out of my mind; and so at last I lost my temper and said +hang a man that would make a suit of armor without any pockets +in it. You see I had my handkerchief in my helmet; and some other +things; but it was that kind of a helmet that you can't take off +by yourself. That hadn't occurred to me when I put it there; +and in fact I didn't know it. I supposed it would be particularly +convenient there. And so now, the thought of its being there, +so handy and close by, and yet not get-at-able, made it all the +worse and the harder to bear. Yes, the thing that you can't get +is the thing that you want, mainly; every one has noticed that. +Well, it took my mind off from everything else; took it clear off, +and centered it in my helmet; and mile after mile, there it stayed, +imagining the handkerchief, picturing the handkerchief; and it +was bitter and aggravating to have the salt sweat keep trickling +down into my eyes, and I couldn't get at it. It seems like a little +thing, on paper, but it was not a little thing at all; it was +the most real kind of misery. I would not say it if it was not so. +I made up my mind that I would carry along a reticule next time, +let it look how it might, and people say what they would. Of course +these iron dudes of the Round Table would think it was scandalous, +and maybe raise Sheol about it, but as for me, give me comfort +first, and style afterwards. So we jogged along, and now and then +we struck a stretch of dust, and it would tumble up in clouds and +get into my nose and make me sneeze and cry; and of course I said +things I oughtn't to have said, I don't deny that. I am not +better than others.</p> + +<p>We couldn't seem to meet anybody in this lonesome Britain, not +even an ogre; and, in the mood I was in then, it was well for +the ogre; that is, an ogre with a handkerchief. Most knights +would have thought of nothing but getting his armor; but so I got +his bandanna, he could keep his hardware, for all of me.</p> + +<p>Meantime, it was getting hotter and hotter in there. You see, +the sun was beating down and warming up the iron more and more +all the time. Well, when you are hot, that way, every little thing +irritates you. When I trotted, I rattled like a crate of dishes, +and that annoyed me; and moreover I couldn't seem to stand that +shield slatting and banging, now about my breast, now around my +back; and if I dropped into a walk my joints creaked and screeched +in that wearisome way that a wheelbarrow does, and as we didn't +create any breeze at that gait, I was like to get fried in that +stove; and besides, the quieter you went the heavier the iron +settled down on you and the more and more tons you seemed to weigh +every minute. And you had to be always changing hands, and passing +your spear over to the other foot, it got so irksome for one hand +to hold it long at a time.</p> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center> +<img alt="12-144.jpg (50K)" src="images/12-144.jpg" height="622" width="387"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>Well, you know, when you perspire that way, in rivers, there comes +a time when you—when you—well, when you itch. You are inside, +your hands are outside; so there you are; nothing but iron between. +It is not a light thing, let it sound as it may. First it is one +place; then another; then some more; and it goes on spreading and +spreading, and at last the territory is all occupied, and nobody +can imagine what you feel like, nor how unpleasant it is. And +when it had got to the worst, and it seemed to me that I could +not stand anything more, a fly got in through the bars and settled +on my nose, and the bars were stuck and wouldn't work, and I +couldn't get the visor up; and I could only shake my head, which +was baking hot by this time, and the fly—well, you know how a fly +acts when he has got a certainty—he only minded the shaking enough +to change from nose to lip, and lip to ear, and buzz and buzz +all around in there, and keep on lighting and biting, in a way +that a person, already so distressed as I was, simply could not +stand. So I gave in, and got Alisande to unship the helmet and +relieve me of it. Then she emptied the conveniences out of it +and fetched it full of water, and I drank and then stood up, and +she poured the rest down inside the armor. One cannot think how +refreshing it was. She continued to fetch and pour until I was +well soaked and thoroughly comfortable.</p> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center> +<img alt="12-146.jpg (148K)" src="images/12-146.jpg" height="995" width="742"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>It was good to have a rest—and peace. But nothing is quite +perfect in this life, at any time. I had made a pipe a while back, +and also some pretty fair tobacco; not the real thing, but what +some of the Indians use: the inside bark of the willow, dried. +These comforts had been in the helmet, and now I had them again, +but no matches.</p> + +<p>Gradually, as the time wore along, one annoying fact was borne in +upon my understanding—that we were weather-bound. An armed novice +cannot mount his horse without help and plenty of it. Sandy was +not enough; not enough for me, anyway. We had to wait until +somebody should come along. Waiting, in silence, would have been +agreeable enough, for I was full of matter for reflection, and +wanted to give it a chance to work. I wanted to try and think out +how it was that rational or even half-rational men could ever +have learned to wear armor, considering its inconveniences; and +how they had managed to keep up such a fashion for generations +when it was plain that what I had suffered to-day they had had +to suffer all the days of their lives. I wanted to think that out; +and moreover I wanted to think out some way to reform this evil +and persuade the people to let the foolish fashion die out; but +thinking was out of the question in the circumstances. You couldn't +think, where Sandy was.</p> + +<p>She was a quite biddable creature and good-hearted, but she had +a flow of talk that was as steady as a mill, and made your head +sore like the drays and wagons in a city. If she had had a cork +she would have been a comfort. But you can't cork that kind; +they would die. Her clack was going all day, and you would think +something would surely happen to her works, by and by; but no, +they never got out of order; and she never had to slack up for +words. She could grind, and pump, and churn, and buzz by the week, +and never stop to oil up or blow out. And yet the result was just +nothing but wind. She never had any ideas, any more than a fog +has. She was a perfect blatherskite; I mean for jaw, jaw, jaw, +talk, talk, talk, jabber, jabber, jabber; but just as good as she +could be. I hadn't minded her mill that morning, on account of +having that hornets' nest of other troubles; but more than once +in the afternoon I had to say:</p> + +<p>"Take a rest, child; the way you are using up all the domestic air, +the kingdom will have to go to importing it by to-morrow, and it's +a low enough treasury without that."</p> + + +<br><br><br><br> +<center> +<img alt="13-149.jpg (141K)" src="images/13-149.jpg" height="982" width="788"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<br><br><a name="c13"></a><br><br><center><h2>CHAPTER XIII</h2></center><br><br> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center> +<img alt="13-151.jpg (141K)" src="images/13-151.jpg" height="946" width="813"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>FREEMEN</p> + +<p>Yes, it is strange how little a while at a time a person can be +contented. Only a little while back, when I was riding and +suffering, what a heaven this peace, this rest, this sweet serenity +in this secluded shady nook by this purling stream would have +seemed, where I could keep perfectly comfortable all the time +by pouring a dipper of water into my armor now and then; yet +already I was getting dissatisfied; partly because I could not +light my pipe—for, although I had long ago started a match factory, +I had forgotten to bring matches with me—and partly because we +had nothing to eat. Here was another illustration of the childlike +improvidence of this age and people. A man in armor always trusted +to chance for his food on a journey, and would have been scandalized +at the idea of hanging a basket of sandwiches on his spear. There +was probably not a knight of all the Round Table combination who +would not rather have died than been caught carrying such a thing +as that on his flagstaff. And yet there could not be anything more +sensible. It had been my intention to smuggle a couple of sandwiches +into my helmet, but I was interrupted in the act, and had to make +an excuse and lay them aside, and a dog got them.</p> + +<p>Night approached, and with it a storm. The darkness came on fast. +We must camp, of course. I found a good shelter for the demoiselle +under a rock, and went off and found another for myself. But +I was obliged to remain in my armor, because I could not get it off +by myself and yet could not allow Alisande to help, because it +would have seemed so like undressing before folk. It would not +have amounted to that in reality, because I had clothes on +underneath; but the prejudices of one's breeding are not gotten +rid of just at a jump, and I knew that when it came to stripping +off that bob-tailed iron petticoat I should be embarrassed.</p> + +<p>With the storm came a change of weather; and the stronger the wind +blew, and the wilder the rain lashed around, the colder and colder +it got. Pretty soon, various kinds of bugs and ants and worms +and things began to flock in out of the wet and crawl down inside +my armor to get warm; and while some of them behaved well enough, +and snuggled up amongst my clothes and got quiet, the majority +were of a restless, uncomfortable sort, and never stayed still, +but went on prowling and hunting for they did not know what; +especially the ants, which went tickling along in wearisome +procession from one end of me to the other by the hour, and are +a kind of creatures which I never wish to sleep with again. +It would be my advice to persons situated in this way, to not roll +or thrash around, because this excites the interest of all the +different sorts of animals and makes every last one of them want +to turn out and see what is going on, and this makes things worse +than they were before, and of course makes you objurgate harder, +too, if you can. Still, if one did not roll and thrash around +he would die; so perhaps it is as well to do one way as the other; +there is no real choice. Even after I was frozen solid I could +still distinguish that tickling, just as a corpse does when he is +taking electric treatment. I said I would never wear armor +after this trip.</p> + +<p>All those trying hours whilst I was frozen and yet was in a living +fire, as you may say, on account of that swarm of crawlers, that +same unanswerable question kept circling and circling through my +tired head: How do people stand this miserable armor? How have +they managed to stand it all these generations? How can they sleep +at night for dreading the tortures of next day?</p> + +<p>When the morning came at last, I was in a bad enough plight: seedy, +drowsy, fagged, from want of sleep; weary from thrashing around, +famished from long fasting; pining for a bath, and to get rid of +the animals; and crippled with rheumatism. And how had it fared +with the nobly born, the titled aristocrat, the Demoiselle Alisande +la Carteloise? Why, she was as fresh as a squirrel; she had slept +like the dead; and as for a bath, probably neither she nor any +other noble in the land had ever had one, and so she was not +missing it. Measured by modern standards, they were merely modified +savages, those people. This noble lady showed no impatience to get +to breakfast—and that smacks of the savage, too. On their journeys +those Britons were used to long fasts, and knew how to bear them; +and also how to freight up against probable fasts before starting, +after the style of the Indian and the anaconda. As like as not, +Sandy was loaded for a three-day stretch.</p> + +<p>We were off before sunrise, Sandy riding and I limping along +behind. In half an hour we came upon a group of ragged poor +creatures who had assembled to mend the thing which was regarded +as a road. They were as humble as animals to me; and when I +proposed to breakfast with them, they were so flattered, so +overwhelmed by this extraordinary condescension of mine that +at first they were not able to believe that I was in earnest. +My lady put up her scornful lip and withdrew to one side; she said +in their hearing that she would as soon think of eating with the +other cattle—a remark which embarrassed these poor devils merely +because it referred to them, and not because it insulted or offended +them, for it didn't. And yet they were not slaves, not chattels. +By a sarcasm of law and phrase they were freemen. Seven-tenths +of the free population of the country were of just their class and +degree: small "independent" farmers, artisans, etc.; which is +to say, they were the nation, the actual Nation; they were about +all of it that was useful, or worth saving, or really respect-worthy, +and to subtract them would have been to subtract the Nation and +leave behind some dregs, some refuse, in the shape of a king, +nobility and gentry, idle, unproductive, acquainted mainly with +the arts of wasting and destroying, and of no sort of use or value +in any rationally constructed world. + + +</p> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center> +<img alt="13-154.jpg (83K)" src="images/13-154.jpg" height="496" width="701"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p> + +And yet, by ingenious +contrivance, this gilded minority, instead of being in the tail +of the procession where it belonged, was marching head up and +banners flying, at the other end of it; had elected itself to be +the Nation, and these innumerable clams had permitted it so long +that they had come at last to accept it as a truth; and not only +that, but to believe it right and as it should be. The priests +had told their fathers and themselves that this ironical state +of things was ordained of God; and so, not reflecting upon how +unlike God it would be to amuse himself with sarcasms, and especially +such poor transparent ones as this, they had dropped the matter +there and become respectfully quiet.</p> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center> +<img alt="13-155.jpg (65K)" src="images/13-155.jpg" height="483" width="738"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + + +<p>The talk of these meek people had a strange enough sound in +a formerly American ear. They were freemen, but they could not +leave the estates of their lord or their bishop without his +permission; they could not prepare their own bread, but must have +their corn ground and their bread baked at his mill and his bakery, +and pay roundly for the same; they could not sell a piece of their +own property without paying him a handsome percentage of the +proceeds, nor buy a piece of somebody else's without remembering +him in cash for the privilege; they had to harvest his grain for him +gratis, and be ready to come at a moment's notice, leaving their +own crop to destruction by the threatened storm; they had to let +him plant fruit trees in their fields, and then keep their indignation +to themselves when his heedless fruit-gatherers trampled the grain +around the trees; they had to smother their anger when his hunting +parties galloped through their fields laying waste the result of +their patient toil; they were not allowed to keep doves themselves, +and when the swarms from my lord's dovecote settled on their crops +they must not lose their temper and kill a bird, for awful would +the penalty be; when the harvest was at last gathered, then came +the procession of robbers to levy their blackmail upon it: first +the Church carted off its fat tenth, then the king's commissioner +took his twentieth, then my lord's people made a mighty inroad +upon the remainder; after which, the skinned freeman had liberty +to bestow the remnant in his barn, in case it was worth the trouble; +there were taxes, and taxes, and taxes, and more taxes, and taxes +again, and yet other taxes—upon this free and independent pauper, +but none upon his lord the baron or the bishop, none upon the +wasteful nobility or the all-devouring Church; if the baron would +sleep unvexed, the freeman must sit up all night after his day's +work and whip the ponds to keep the frogs quiet; if the freeman's +daughter—but no, that last infamy of monarchical government is +unprintable; and finally, if the freeman, grown desperate with his +tortures, found his life unendurable under such conditions, and +sacrificed it and fled to death for mercy and refuge, the gentle +Church condemned him to eternal fire, the gentle law buried him +at midnight at the cross-roads with a stake through his back, +and his master the baron or the bishop confiscated all his property +and turned his widow and his orphans out of doors.</p> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center> +<img alt="13-156.jpg (35K)" src="images/13-156.jpg" height="288" width="542"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>And here were these freemen assembled in the early morning to work +on their lord the bishop's road three days each—gratis; every +head of a family, and every son of a family, three days each, +gratis, and a day or so added for their servants. Why, it was +like reading about France and the French, before the ever memorable +and blessed Revolution, which swept a thousand years of such +villany away in one swift tidal-wave of blood—one: a settlement +of that hoary debt in the proportion of half a drop of blood for +each hogshead of it that had been pressed by slow tortures out of +that people in the weary stretch of ten centuries of wrong and +shame and misery the like of which was not to be mated but in hell. +There were two "Reigns of Terror," if we would but remember it +and consider it; the one wrought murder in hot passion, the other +in heartless cold blood; the one lasted mere months, the other had +lasted a thousand years; the one inflicted death upon ten thousand +persons, the other upon a hundred millions; but our shudders are +all for the "horrors" of the minor Terror, the momentary Terror, +so to speak; whereas, what is the horror of swift death by the axe, +compared with lifelong death from hunger, cold, insult, cruelty, +and heart-break? What is swift death by lightning compared with +death by slow fire at the stake? A city cemetery could contain the +coffins filled by that brief Terror which we have all been so +diligently taught to shiver at and mourn over; but all France could +hardly contain the coffins filled by that older and real +Terror—that unspeakably bitter and awful Terror which none of us has +been taught to see in its vastness or pity as it deserves.</p> + +<p>These poor ostensible freemen who were sharing their breakfast +and their talk with me, were as full of humble reverence for their +king and Church and nobility as their worst enemy could desire. +There was something pitifully ludicrous about it. I asked them +if they supposed a nation of people ever existed, who, with a free +vote in every man's hand, would elect that a single family and its +descendants should reign over it forever, whether gifted or boobies, +to the exclusion of all other families—including the voter's; and +would also elect that a certain hundred families should be raised +to dizzy summits of rank, and clothed on with offensive transmissible +glories and privileges to the exclusion of the rest of the nation's +families—<i>including his own</i> .</p> + +<p>They all looked unhit, and said they didn't know; that they had +never thought about it before, and it hadn't ever occurred to them +that a nation could be so situated that every man <i>could</i> have +a say in the government. I said I had seen one—and that it would +last until it had an Established Church. Again they were all +unhit—at first. But presently one man looked up and asked me +to state that proposition again; and state it slowly, so it could +soak into his understanding. I did it; and after a little he had +the idea, and he brought his fist down and said <i>he</i> didn't believe +a nation where every man had a vote would voluntarily get down +in the mud and dirt in any such way; and that to steal from a nation +its will and preference must be a crime and the first of all crimes. +I said to myself:</p> + +<p>"This one's a man. If I were backed by enough of his sort, I would +make a strike for the welfare of this country, and try to prove +myself its loyalest citizen by making a wholesome change in its +system of government."</p> + +<p>You see my kind of loyalty was loyalty to one's country, not to +its institutions or its office-holders. The country is the real +thing, the substantial thing, the eternal thing; it is the thing +to watch over, and care for, and be loyal to; institutions are +extraneous, they are its mere clothing, and clothing can wear out, +become ragged, cease to be comfortable, cease to protect the body +from winter, disease, and death. To be loyal to rags, to shout +for rags, to worship rags, to die for rags—that is a loyalty +of unreason, it is pure animal; it belongs to monarchy, was invented +by monarchy; let monarchy keep it. I was from Connecticut, whose +Constitution declares "that all political power is inherent in +the people, and all free governments are founded on their authority +and instituted for their benefit; and that they have <i>at all times</i> +an undeniable and indefeasible right to <i>alter their form of +government</i> in such a manner as they may think expedient."</p> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center> +<img alt="13-159.jpg (125K)" src="images/13-159.jpg" height="887" width="739"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>Under that gospel, the citizen who thinks he sees that the +commonwealth's political clothes are worn out, and yet holds his +peace and does not agitate for a new suit, is disloyal; he is +a traitor. That he may be the only one who thinks he sees this +decay, does not excuse him; it is his duty to agitate anyway, and +it is the duty of the others to vote him down if they do not see +the matter as he does.</p> + +<p>And now here I was, in a country where a right to say how the +country should be governed was restricted to six persons in each +thousand of its population. For the nine hundred and ninety-four +to express dissatisfaction with the regnant system and propose +to change it, would have made the whole six shudder as one man, +it would have been so disloyal, so dishonorable, such putrid black +treason. So to speak, I was become a stockholder in a corporation +where nine hundred and ninety-four of the members furnished all +the money and did all the work, and the other six elected themselves +a permanent board of direction and took all the dividends. It seemed +to me that what the nine hundred and ninety-four dupes needed was +a new deal. The thing that would have best suited the circus side +of my nature would have been to resign the Boss-ship and get up +an insurrection and turn it into a revolution; but I knew that the +Jack Cade or the Wat Tyler who tries such a thing without first +educating his materials up to revolution grade is almost absolutely +certain to get left. I had never been accustomed to getting left, +even if I do say it myself. Wherefore, the "deal" which had been +for some time working into shape in my mind was of a quite different +pattern from the Cade-Tyler sort.</p> + +<p>So I did not talk blood and insurrection to that man there who sat +munching black bread with that abused and mistaught herd of human +sheep, but took him aside and talked matter of another sort to him. +After I had finished, I got him to lend me a little ink from his +veins; and with this and a sliver I wrote on a piece of bark—</p> + +<p> Put him in the Man-factory—</p> + +<p>and gave it to him, and said:</p> + +<p>"Take it to the palace at Camelot and give it into the hands of +Amyas le Poulet, whom I call Clarence, and he will understand."</p> + +<p>"He is a priest, then," said the man, and some of the enthusiasm +went out of his face.</p> + +<p>"How—a priest? Didn't I tell you that no chattel of the Church, +no bond-slave of pope or bishop can enter my Man-Factory? Didn't +I tell you that <i>you</i> couldn't enter unless your religion, whatever +it might be, was your own free property?"</p> + +<p>"Marry, it is so, and for that I was glad; wherefore it liked me not, +and bred in me a cold doubt, to hear of this priest being there."</p> + +<p>"But he isn't a priest, I tell you."</p> + +<p>The man looked far from satisfied. He said:</p> + +<p>"He is not a priest, and yet can read?"</p> + +<p>"He is not a priest and yet can read—yes, and write, too, for that +matter. I taught him myself." The man's face cleared. "And it is +the first thing that you yourself will be taught in that Factory—"</p> + +<p>"I? I would give blood out of my heart to know that art. Why, +I will be your slave, your—"</p> + +<p>"No you won't, you won't be anybody's slave. Take your family +and go along. Your lord the bishop will confiscate your small +property, but no matter. Clarence will fix you all right."</p> + + +<br><br><br><br> +<center> +<img alt="14-163.jpg (108K)" src="images/14-163.jpg" height="874" width="732"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<br><br><a name="c14"></a><br><br><center><h2>CHAPTER XIV</h2></center><br><br> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center> +<img alt="14-165.jpg (151K)" src="images/14-165.jpg" height="899" width="769"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>"DEFEND THEE, LORD"</p> + +<p>I paid three pennies for my breakfast, and a most extravagant +price it was, too, seeing that one could have breakfasted a dozen +persons for that money; but I was feeling good by this time, and +I had always been a kind of spendthrift anyway; and then these +people had wanted to give me the food for nothing, scant as +their provision was, and so it was a grateful pleasure to emphasize +my appreciation and sincere thankfulness with a good big financial +lift where the money would do so much more good than it would +in my helmet, where, these pennies being made of iron and not +stinted in weight, my half-dollar's worth was a good deal of a +burden to me. I spent money rather too freely in those days, +it is true; but one reason for it was that I hadn't got the +proportions of things entirely adjusted, even yet, after so long +a sojourn in Britain—hadn't got along to where I was able to +absolutely realize that a penny in Arthur's land and a couple of +dollars in Connecticut were about one and the same thing: just +twins, as you may say, in purchasing power. If my start from +Camelot could have been delayed a very few days I could have paid +these people in beautiful new coins from our own mint, and that +would have pleased me; and them, too, not less. I had adopted +the American values exclusively. In a week or two now, cents, +nickels, dimes, quarters, and half-dollars, and also a trifle of +gold, would be trickling in thin but steady streams all through +the commercial veins of the kingdom, and I looked to see this +new blood freshen up its life.</p> + +<p>The farmers were bound to throw in something, to sort of offset +my liberality, whether I would or no; so I let them give me a flint +and steel; and as soon as they had comfortably bestowed Sandy +and me on our horse, I lit my pipe. When the first blast of smoke +shot out through the bars of my helmet, all those people broke +for the woods, and Sandy went over backwards and struck the ground +with a dull thud. They thought I was one of those fire-belching +dragons they had heard so much about from knights and other +professional liars. I had infinite trouble to persuade those people +to venture back within explaining distance. Then I told them that +this was only a bit of enchantment which would work harm to none +but my enemies. And I promised, with my hand on my heart, that +if all who felt no enmity toward me would come forward and pass +before me they should see that only those who remained behind would +be struck dead. The procession moved with a good deal of promptness. +There were no casualties to report, for nobody had curiosity enough +to remain behind to see what would happen.</p> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center> +<img alt="14-166.jpg (31K)" src="images/14-166.jpg" height="361" width="472"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>I lost some time, now, for these big children, their fears gone, +became so ravished with wonder over my awe-compelling fireworks +that I had to stay there and smoke a couple of pipes out before +they would let me go. Still the delay was not wholly unproductive, +for it took all that time to get Sandy thoroughly wonted to the new +thing, she being so close to it, you know. It plugged up her +conversation mill, too, for a considerable while, and that was +a gain. But above all other benefits accruing, I had learned +something. I was ready for any giant or any ogre that might come +along, now.</p> + + +<br><br><br><br> +<center> +<img alt="14-167.jpg (73K)" src="images/14-167.jpg" height="477" width="739"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>We tarried with a holy hermit, that night, and my opportunity +came about the middle of the next afternoon. We were crossing +a vast meadow by way of short-cut, and I was musing absently, +hearing nothing, seeing nothing, when Sandy suddenly interrupted +a remark which she had begun that morning, with the cry:</p> + +<p>"Defend thee, lord!—peril of life is toward!"</p> + + +<br><br><br><br> +<center> +<img alt="14-168.jpg (29K)" src="images/14-168.jpg" height="439" width="332"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>And she slipped down from the horse and ran a little way and stood. +I looked up and saw, far off in the shade of a tree, half a dozen +armed knights and their squires; and straightway there was bustle +among them and tightening of saddle-girths for the mount. My pipe +was ready and would have been lit, if I had not been lost in +thinking about how to banish oppression from this land and restore +to all its people their stolen rights and manhood without disobliging +anybody. I lit up at once, and by the time I had got a good head +of reserved steam on, here they came. All together, too; none of +those chivalrous magnanimities which one reads so much +about—one courtly rascal at a time, and the rest standing by to see fair +play. No, they came in a body, they came with a whirr and a rush, +they came like a volley from a battery; came with heads low down, +plumes streaming out behind, lances advanced at a level. It was +a handsome sight, a beautiful sight—for a man up a tree. I laid +my lance in rest and waited, with my heart beating, till the iron +wave was just ready to break over me, then spouted a column of +white smoke through the bars of my helmet. You should have seen +the wave go to pieces and scatter! This was a finer sight than +the other one.</p> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center> +<img alt="14-169.jpg (171K)" src="images/14-169.jpg" height="1003" width="728"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>But these people stopped, two or three hundred yards away, and +this troubled me. My satisfaction collapsed, and fear came; +I judged I was a lost man. But Sandy was radiant; and was going +to be eloquent—but I stopped her, and told her my magic had +miscarried, somehow or other, and she must mount, with all despatch, +and we must ride for life. No, she wouldn't. She said that my +enchantment had disabled those knights; they were not riding on, +because they couldn't; wait, they would drop out of their saddles +presently, and we would get their horses and harness. I could not +deceive such trusting simplicity, so I said it was a mistake; that +when my fireworks killed at all, they killed instantly; no, the men +would not die, there was something wrong about my apparatus, +I couldn't tell what; but we must hurry and get away, for those +people would attack us again, in a minute. Sandy laughed, and said:</p> + +<p>"Lack-a-day, sir, they be not of that breed! Sir Launcelot will +give battle to dragons, and will abide by them, and will assail +them again, and yet again, and still again, until he do conquer +and destroy them; and so likewise will Sir Pellinore and Sir Aglovale +and Sir Carados, and mayhap others, but there be none else that +will venture it, let the idle say what the idle will. And, la, +as to yonder base rufflers, think ye they have not their fill, +but yet desire more?"</p> + +<p>"Well, then, what are they waiting for? Why don't they leave? +Nobody's hindering. Good land, I'm willing to let bygones be +bygones, I'm sure."</p> + +<p>"Leave, is it? Oh, give thyself easement as to that. They dream +not of it, no, not they. They wait to yield them."</p> + +<p>"Come—really, is that 'sooth'—as you people say? If they want to, +why don't they?"</p> + +<p>"It would like them much; but an ye wot how dragons are esteemed, +ye would not hold them blamable. They fear to come."</p> + +<p>"Well, then, suppose I go to them instead, and—"</p> + +<p>"Ah, wit ye well they would not abide your coming. I will go."</p> + +<p>And she did. She was a handy person to have along on a raid. +I would have considered this a doubtful errand, myself. I presently +saw the knights riding away, and Sandy coming back. That was +a relief. I judged she had somehow failed to get the first +innings—I mean in the conversation; otherwise the interview wouldn't have +been so short. But it turned out that she had managed the business +well; in fact, admirably. She said that when she told those people +I was The Boss, it hit them where they lived: "smote them sore +with fear and dread" was her word; and then they were ready to +put up with anything she might require. So she swore them to appear +at Arthur's court within two days and yield them, with horse and +harness, and be my knights henceforth, and subject to my command. +How much better she managed that thing than I should have done +it myself! She was a daisy.</p> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center> +<img alt="15-173.jpg (148K)" src="images/15-173.jpg" height="960" width="784"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<br><br><a name="c15"></a><br><br><center><h2>CHAPTER XV</h2></center><br><br> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center> +<img alt="15-175.jpg (136K)" src="images/15-175.jpg" height="893" width="776"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>SANDY'S TALE</p> + +<p>"And so I'm proprietor of some knights," said I, as we rode off. +"Who would ever have supposed that I should live to list up assets +of that sort. I shan't know what to do with them; unless I raffle +them off. How many of them are there, Sandy?"</p> + +<p>"Seven, please you, sir, and their squires."</p> + +<p>"It is a good haul. Who are they? Where do they hang out?"</p> + +<p>"Where do they hang out?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, where do they live?"</p> + +<p>"Ah, I understood thee not. That will I tell eftsoons." Then she +said musingly, and softly, turning the words daintily over her +tongue: "Hang they out—hang they out—where hang—where do they +hang out; eh, right so; where do they hang out. Of a truth the +phrase hath a fair and winsome grace, and is prettily worded +withal. I will repeat it anon and anon in mine idlesse, whereby +I may peradventure learn it. Where do they hang out. Even so! +already it falleth trippingly from my tongue, and forasmuch as—"</p> + +<p>"Don't forget the cowboys, Sandy."</p> + +<p>"Cowboys?"</p> + +<p>"Yes; the knights, you know: You were going to tell me about them. +A while back, you remember. Figuratively speaking, game's called."</p> + +<p>"Game—"</p> + +<p>"Yes, yes, yes! Go to the bat. I mean, get to work on your +statistics, and don't burn so much kindling getting your fire +started. Tell me about the knights."</p> + +<p>"I will well, and lightly will begin. So they two departed and +rode into a great forest. And—"</p> + +<p>"Great Scott!"</p> + +<p>You see, I recognized my mistake at once. I had set her works +a-going; it was my own fault; she would be thirty days getting down +to those facts. And she generally began without a preface and +finished without a result. If you interrupted her she would either +go right along without noticing, or answer with a couple of words, +and go back and say the sentence over again. So, interruptions +only did harm; and yet I had to interrupt, and interrupt pretty +frequently, too, in order to save my life; a person would die if +he let her monotony drip on him right along all day.</p> + +<p>"Great Scott!" I said in my distress. She went right back and +began over again:</p> + +<p>"So they two departed and rode into a great forest. And—"</p> + +<p>"<i>Which</i> two?"</p> + +<p>"Sir Gawaine and Sir Uwaine. And so they came to an abbey of monks, +and there were well lodged. So on the morn they heard their masses +in the abbey, and so they rode forth till they came to a great +forest; then was Sir Gawaine ware in a valley by a turret, of +twelve fair damsels, and two knights armed on great horses, and +the damsels went to and fro by a tree. And then was Sir Gawaine +ware how there hung a white shield on that tree, and ever as the +damsels came by it they spit upon it, and some threw mire upon +the shield—"</p> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center> +<img alt="15-177.jpg (136K)" src="images/15-177.jpg" height="802" width="758"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>"Now, if I hadn't seen the like myself in this country, Sandy, +I wouldn't believe it. But I've seen it, and I can just see those +creatures now, parading before that shield and acting like that. +The women here do certainly act like all possessed. Yes, and +I mean your best, too, society's very choicest brands. The humblest +hello-girl along ten thousand miles of wire could teach gentleness, +patience, modesty, manners, to the highest duchess in Arthur's land."</p> + +<p>"Hello-girl?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, but don't you ask me to explain; it's a new kind of a girl; +they don't have them here; one often speaks sharply to them when +they are not the least in fault, and he can't get over feeling +sorry for it and ashamed of himself in thirteen hundred years, +it's such shabby mean conduct and so unprovoked; the fact is, +no gentleman ever does it—though I—well, I myself, if I've got +to confess—"</p> + +<p>"Peradventure she—"</p> + +<p>"Never mind her; never mind her; I tell you I couldn't ever explain +her so you would understand."</p> + +<p>"Even so be it, sith ye are so minded. Then Sir Gawaine and +Sir Uwaine went and saluted them, and asked them why they did that +despite to the shield. Sirs, said the damsels, we shall tell you. +There is a knight in this country that owneth this white shield, +and he is a passing good man of his hands, but he hateth all +ladies and gentlewomen, and therefore we do all this despite to +the shield. I will say you, said Sir Gawaine, it beseemeth evil +a good knight to despise all ladies and gentlewomen, and peradventure +though he hate you he hath some cause, and peradventure he loveth +in some other places ladies and gentlewomen, and to be loved again, +and he such a man of prowess as ye speak of—"</p> + +<p>"Man of prowess—yes, that is the man to please them, Sandy. +Man of brains—that is a thing they never think of. Tom +Sayers—John Heenan—John L. Sullivan—pity but you could be here. You +would have your legs under the Round Table and a 'Sir' in front +of your names within the twenty-four hours; and you could bring +about a new distribution of the married princesses and duchesses +of the Court in another twenty-four. The fact is, it is just +a sort of polished-up court of Comanches, and there isn't a squaw +in it who doesn't stand ready at the dropping of a hat to desert +to the buck with the biggest string of scalps at his belt."</p> + +<p>"—and he be such a man of prowess as ye speak of, said Sir Gawaine. +Now, what is his name? Sir, said they, his name is Marhaus the +king's son of Ireland."</p> + +<p>"Son of the king of Ireland, you mean; the other form doesn't mean +anything. And look out and hold on tight, now, we must jump +this gully.... There, we are all right now. This horse belongs in +the circus; he is born before his time."</p> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center> +<img alt="15-179.jpg (161K)" src="images/15-179.jpg" height="1008" width="752"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>"I know him well, said Sir Uwaine, he is a passing good knight as +any is on live."</p> + +<p>"<i>On live</i>. If you've got a fault in the world, Sandy, it is that +you are a shade too archaic. But it isn't any matter."</p> + +<p>"—for I saw him once proved at a justs where many knights were +gathered, and that time there might no man withstand him. Ah, said +Sir Gawaine, damsels, methinketh ye are to blame, for it is to +suppose he that hung that shield there will not be long therefrom, +and then may those knights match him on horseback, and that is +more your worship than thus; for I will abide no longer to see +a knight's shield dishonored. And therewith Sir Uwaine and +Sir Gawaine departed a little from them, and then were they ware +where Sir Marhaus came riding on a great horse straight toward +them. And when the twelve damsels saw Sir Marhaus they fled into +the turret as they were wild, so that some of them fell by the way. +Then the one of the knights of the tower dressed his shield, and +said on high, Sir Marhaus defend thee. And so they ran together +that the knight brake his spear on Marhaus, and Sir Marhaus smote +him so hard that he brake his neck and the horse's back—"</p> + +<p>"Well, that is just the trouble about this state of things, +it ruins so many horses."</p> + +<p>"That saw the other knight of the turret, and dressed him toward +Marhaus, and they went so eagerly together, that the knight of +the turret was soon smitten down, horse and man, stark dead—"</p> + +<p>"<i>Another</i> horse gone; I tell you it is a custom that ought to be +broken up. I don't see how people with any feeling can applaud +and support it."</p> + +<p> . . . .</p> + +<p>"So these two knights came together with great random—"</p> + +<p>I saw that I had been asleep and missed a chapter, but I didn't +say anything. I judged that the Irish knight was in trouble with +the visitors by this time, and this turned out to be the case.</p> + +<p>"—that Sir Uwaine smote Sir Marhaus that his spear brast in pieces +on the shield, and Sir Marhaus smote him so sore that horse and +man he bare to the earth, and hurt Sir Uwaine on the left side—"</p> + +<p>"The truth is, Alisande, these archaics are a little <i>too</i> simple; +the vocabulary is too limited, and so, by consequence, descriptions +suffer in the matter of variety; they run too much to level Saharas +of fact, and not enough to picturesque detail; this throws about +them a certain air of the monotonous; in fact the fights are all +alike: a couple of people come together with great +random—random is a good word, and so is exegesis, for that matter, and +so is holocaust, and defalcation, and usufruct and a hundred others, +but land! a body ought to discriminate—they come together with +great random, and a spear is brast, and one party brake his shield +and the other one goes down, horse and man, over his horse-tail +and brake his neck, and then the next candidate comes randoming in, +and brast <i>his</i> spear, and the other man brast his shield, and down +<i>he</i> goes, horse and man, over his horse-tail, and brake <i>his</i> neck, +and then there's another elected, and another and another and still +another, till the material is all used up; and when you come to +figure up results, you can't tell one fight from another, nor who +whipped; and as a <i>picture</i> , of living, raging, roaring battle, +sho! why, it's pale and noiseless—just ghosts scuffling in a fog. +Dear me, what would this barren vocabulary get out of the mightiest +spectacle?—the burning of Rome in Nero's time, for instance? +Why, it would merely say, 'Town burned down; no insurance; boy +brast a window, fireman brake his neck!' Why, <i>that</i> ain't a picture!"</p> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center> +<img alt="15-181.jpg (53K)" src="images/15-181.jpg" height="812" width="307"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>It was a good deal of a lecture, I thought, but it didn't disturb +Sandy, didn't turn a feather; her steam soared steadily up again, +the minute I took off the lid:</p> + +<p>"Then Sir Marhaus turned his horse and rode toward Gawaine with +his spear. And when Sir Gawaine saw that, he dressed his shield, +and they aventred their spears, and they came together with all +the might of their horses, that either knight smote other so hard +in the midst of their shields, but Sir Gawaine's spear brake—"</p> + +<p>"I knew it would."</p> + +<p>—"but Sir Marhaus's spear held; and therewith Sir Gawaine and +his horse rushed down to the earth—"</p> + +<p>"Just so—and brake his back."</p> + +<p>—"and lightly Sir Gawaine rose upon his feet and pulled out +his sword, and dressed him toward Sir Marhaus on foot, and therewith +either came unto other eagerly, and smote together with their +swords, that their shields flew in cantels, and they bruised their +helms and their hauberks, and wounded either other. But Sir Gawaine, +fro it passed nine of the clock, waxed by the space of three hours +ever stronger and stronger and thrice his might was increased. +All this espied Sir Marhaus, and had great wonder how his might +increased, and so they wounded other passing sore; and then when +it was come noon—"</p> + +<p>The pelting sing-song of it carried me forward to scenes and +sounds of my boyhood days:</p> + +<p>"N-e-e-ew Haven! ten minutes for refreshments—knductr'll strike +the gong-bell two minutes before train leaves—passengers for +the Shore-line please take seats in the rear k'yar, this k'yar +don't go no furder—<i>ahh</i> -pls, <i>aw</i> -rnjz, b'<i>nan</i> ners, +<i>s-a-n-d</i>'ches, p—op-corn!"</p> + +<p>—"and waxed past noon and drew toward evensong. Sir Gawaine's +strength feebled and waxed passing faint, that unnethes he might +dure any longer, and Sir Marhaus was then bigger and bigger—"</p> + +<p>"Which strained his armor, of course; and yet little would one +of these people mind a small thing like that."</p> + +<p>—"and so, Sir Knight, said Sir Marhaus, I have well felt that +ye are a passing good knight, and a marvelous man of might as ever +I felt any, while it lasteth, and our quarrels are not great, and +therefore it were a pity to do you hurt, for I feel you are passing +feeble. Ah, said Sir Gawaine, gentle knight, ye say the word +that I should say. And therewith they took off their helms and +either kissed other, and there they swore together either to love +other as brethren—"</p> + +<p>But I lost the thread there, and dozed off to slumber, thinking +about what a pity it was that men with such superb +strength—strength enabling them to stand up cased in cruelly burdensome +iron and drenched with perspiration, and hack and batter and bang +each other for six hours on a stretch—should not have been born +at a time when they could put it to some useful purpose. Take +a jackass, for instance: a jackass has that kind of strength, and +puts it to a useful purpose, and is valuable to this world because +he is a jackass; but a nobleman is not valuable because he is +a jackass. It is a mixture that is always ineffectual, and should +never have been attempted in the first place. And yet, once you +start a mistake, the trouble is done and you never know what is +going to come of it.</p> + +<p>When I came to myself again and began to listen, I perceived that +I had lost another chapter, and that Alisande had wandered a long +way off with her people.</p> + +<p>"And so they rode and came into a deep valley full of stones, +and thereby they saw a fair stream of water; above thereby was +the head of the stream, a fair fountain, and three damsels sitting +thereby. In this country, said Sir Marhaus, came never knight +since it was christened, but he found strange adventures—"</p> + +<p>"This is not good form, Alisande. Sir Marhaus the king's son of +Ireland talks like all the rest; you ought to give him a brogue, +or at least a characteristic expletive; by this means one would +recognize him as soon as he spoke, without his ever being named. +It is a common literary device with the great authors. You should +make him say, 'In this country, be jabers, came never knight since +it was christened, but he found strange adventures, be jabers.' +You see how much better that sounds."</p> + +<p>—"came never knight but he found strange adventures, be jabers. +Of a truth it doth indeed, fair lord, albeit 'tis passing hard +to say, though peradventure that will not tarry but better speed +with usage. And then they rode to the damsels, and either saluted +other, and the eldest had a garland of gold about her head, and +she was threescore winter of age or more—"</p> + +<p>"The <i>damsel</i> was?"</p> + +<p>"Even so, dear lord—and her hair was white under the garland—"</p> + +<p>"Celluloid teeth, nine dollars a set, as like as not—the loose-fit +kind, that go up and down like a portcullis when you eat, and +fall out when you laugh."</p> + +<p>"The second damsel was of thirty winter of age, with a circlet of +gold about her head. The third damsel was but fifteen year of age—"</p> + +<p>Billows of thought came rolling over my soul, and the voice faded +out of my hearing!</p> + +<p>Fifteen! Break—my heart! oh, my lost darling! Just her age +who was so gentle, and lovely, and all the world to me, and whom +I shall never see again! How the thought of her carries me back +over wide seas of memory to a vague dim time, a happy time, so many, +many centuries hence, when I used to wake in the soft summer +mornings, out of sweet dreams of her, and say "Hello, Central!" +just to hear her dear voice come melting back to me with a +"Hello, Hank!" that was music of the spheres to my enchanted ear. +She got three dollars a week, but she was worth it.</p> + +<p>I could not follow Alisande's further explanation of who our +captured knights were, now—I mean in case she should ever get +to explaining who they were. My interest was gone, my thoughts +were far away, and sad. By fitful glimpses of the drifting tale, +caught here and there and now and then, I merely noted in a vague +way that each of these three knights took one of these three damsels +up behind him on his horse, and one rode north, another east, +the other south, to seek adventures, and meet again and lie, after +year and day. Year and day—and without baggage. It was of +a piece with the general simplicity of the country.</p> + +<p>The sun was now setting. It was about three in the afternoon when +Alisande had begun to tell me who the cowboys were; so she had made +pretty good progress with it—for her. She would arrive some time +or other, no doubt, but she was not a person who could be hurried.</p> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center> +<img alt="15-185.jpg (103K)" src="images/15-185.jpg" height="696" width="691"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>We were approaching a castle which stood on high ground; a huge, +strong, venerable structure, whose gray towers and battlements were +charmingly draped with ivy, and whose whole majestic mass was +drenched with splendors flung from the sinking sun. It was the +largest castle we had seen, and so I thought it might be the one +we were after, but Sandy said no. She did not know who owned it; +she said she had passed it without calling, when she went down +to Camelot.</p> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center> +<img alt="16-187.jpg (124K)" src="images/16-187.jpg" height="1002" width="624"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<br><br><a name="c16"></a><br><br><center><h2>CHAPTER XVI</h2></center><br><br> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center> +<img alt="16-189.jpg (129K)" src="images/16-189.jpg" height="895" width="744"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>MORGAN LE FAY</p> + +<p>If knights errant were to be believed, not all castles were desirable +places to seek hospitality in. As a matter of fact, knights errant +were <i>not</i> persons to be believed—that is, measured by modern +standards of veracity; yet, measured by the standards of their own +time, and scaled accordingly, you got the truth. It was very +simple: you discounted a statement ninety-seven per cent; the rest +was fact. Now after making this allowance, the truth remained +that if I could find out something about a castle before ringing +the door-bell—I mean hailing the warders—it was the sensible +thing to do. So I was pleased when I saw in the distance a horseman +making the bottom turn of the road that wound down from this castle.</p> + +<p>As we approached each other, I saw that he wore a plumed helmet, +and seemed to be otherwise clothed in steel, but bore a curious +addition also—a stiff square garment like a herald's tabard. +However, I had to smile at my own forgetfulness when I got nearer +and read this sign on his tabard:</p> + +<p> "Persimmon's Soap—All the Prime-Donna Use It."</p> + +<p>That was a little idea of my own, and had several wholesome purposes +in view toward the civilizing and uplifting of this nation. In the +first place, it was a furtive, underhand blow at this nonsense +of knight errantry, though nobody suspected that but me. I had +started a number of these people out—the bravest knights I could +get—each sandwiched between bulletin-boards bearing one device +or another, and I judged that by and by when they got to be numerous +enough they would begin to look ridiculous; and then, even the +steel-clad ass that <i>hadn't</i> any board would himself begin to look +ridiculous because he was out of the fashion.</p> + +<p>Secondly, these missionaries would gradually, and without creating +suspicion or exciting alarm, introduce a rudimentary cleanliness +among the nobility, and from them it would work down to the people, +if the priests could be kept quiet. This would undermine the Church. +I mean would be a step toward that. Next, education—next, +freedom—and then she would begin to crumble. It being my conviction that +any Established Church is an established crime, an established +slave-pen, I had no scruples, but was willing to assail it in +any way or with any weapon that promised to hurt it. Why, in my +own former day—in remote centuries not yet stirring in the womb +of time—there were old Englishmen who imagined that they had been +born in a free country: a "free" country with the Corporation Act +and the Test still in force in it—timbers propped against men's +liberties and dishonored consciences to shore up an Established +Anachronism with.</p> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center> +<img alt="16-190.jpg (59K)" src="images/16-190.jpg" height="483" width="727"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>My missionaries were taught to spell out the gilt signs on their +tabards—the showy gilding was a neat idea, I could have got the +king to wear a bulletin-board for the sake of that barbaric +splendor—they were to spell out these signs and then explain to +the lords and ladies what soap was; and if the lords and ladies +were afraid of it, get them to try it on a dog. The missionary's +next move was to get the family together and try it on himself; +he was to stop at no experiment, however desperate, that could +convince the nobility that soap was harmless; if any final doubt +remained, he must catch a hermit—the woods were full of them; +saints they called themselves, and saints they were believed to be. +They were unspeakably holy, and worked miracles, and everybody +stood in awe of them. If a hermit could survive a wash, and that +failed to convince a duke, give him up, let him alone.</p> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center> +<img alt="16-192.jpg (158K)" src="images/16-192.jpg" height="1043" width="718"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>Whenever my missionaries overcame a knight errant on the road +they washed him, and when he got well they swore him to go and +get a bulletin-board and disseminate soap and civilization the rest +of his days. As a consequence the workers in the field were +increasing by degrees, and the reform was steadily spreading. +My soap factory felt the strain early. At first I had only two +hands; but before I had left home I was already employing fifteen, +and running night and day; and the atmospheric result was getting +so pronounced that the king went sort of fainting and gasping +around and said he did not believe he could stand it much longer, +and Sir Launcelot got so that he did hardly anything but walk up +and down the roof and swear, although I told him it was worse up +there than anywhere else, but he said he wanted plenty of air; and +he was always complaining that a palace was no place for a soap +factory anyway, and said if a man was to start one in his house +he would be damned if he wouldn't strangle him. There were ladies +present, too, but much these people ever cared for that; they would +swear before children, if the wind was their way when the factory +was going.</p> + +<p>This missionary knight's name was La Cote Male Taile, and he said +that this castle was the abode of Morgan le Fay, sister of +King Arthur, and wife of King Uriens, monarch of a realm about +as big as the District of Columbia—you could stand in the middle +of it and throw bricks into the next kingdom. "Kings" and "Kingdoms" +were as thick in Britain as they had been in little Palestine in +Joshua's time, when people had to sleep with their knees pulled up +because they couldn't stretch out without a passport.</p> + +<p>La Cote was much depressed, for he had scored here the worst +failure of his campaign. He had not worked off a cake; yet he had +tried all the tricks of the trade, even to the washing of a hermit; +but the hermit died. This was, indeed, a bad failure, for this +animal would now be dubbed a martyr, and would take his place +among the saints of the Roman calendar. Thus made he his moan, +this poor Sir La Cote Male Taile, and sorrowed passing sore. And +so my heart bled for him, and I was moved to comfort and stay him. +Wherefore I said:</p> + +<p>"Forbear to grieve, fair knight, for this is not a defeat. We have +brains, you and I; and for such as have brains there are no defeats, +but only victories. Observe how we will turn this seeming disaster +into an advertisement; an advertisement for our soap; and the +biggest one, to draw, that was ever thought of; an advertisement +that will transform that Mount Washington defeat into a Matterhorn +victory. We will put on your bulletin-board, '<i>Patronized by the +elect</i>.' How does that strike you?"</p> + +<p>"Verily, it is wonderly bethought!"</p> + +<p>"Well, a body is bound to admit that for just a modest little +one-line ad, it's a corker."</p> + +<p>So the poor colporteur's griefs vanished away. He was a brave +fellow, and had done mighty feats of arms in his time. His chief +celebrity rested upon the events of an excursion like this one +of mine, which he had once made with a damsel named Maledisant, +who was as handy with her tongue as was Sandy, though in a different +way, for her tongue churned forth only railings and insult, whereas +Sandy's music was of a kindlier sort. I knew his story well, and so +I knew how to interpret the compassion that was in his face when he +bade me farewell. He supposed I was having a bitter hard time of it.</p> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center> +<img alt="16-194.jpg (193K)" src="images/16-194.jpg" height="1017" width="740"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<p>Sandy and I discussed his story, as we rode along, and she said +that La Cote's bad luck had begun with the very beginning of that +trip; for the king's fool had overthrown him on the first day, +and in such cases it was customary for the girl to desert to the +conqueror, but Maledisant didn't do it; and also persisted afterward +in sticking to him, after all his defeats. But, said I, suppose +the victor should decline to accept his spoil? She said that that +wouldn't answer—he must. He couldn't decline; it wouldn't be +regular. I made a note of that. If Sandy's music got to be too +burdensome, some time, I would let a knight defeat me, on the chance +that she would desert to him.</p> + +<p>In due time we were challenged by the warders, from the castle +walls, and after a parley admitted. I have nothing pleasant to +tell about that visit. But it was not a disappointment, for I knew +Mrs. le Fay by reputation, and was not expecting anything pleasant. +She was held in awe by the whole realm, for she had made everybody +believe she was a great sorceress. All her ways were wicked, all +her instincts devilish. She was loaded to the eyelids with cold +malice. All her history was black with crime; and among her crimes +murder was common. I was most curious to see her; as curious as +I could have been to see Satan. To my surprise she was beautiful; +black thoughts had failed to make her expression repulsive, age +had failed to wrinkle her satin skin or mar its bloomy freshness. +She could have passed for old Uriens' granddaughter, she could +have been mistaken for sister to her own son.</p> + +<p>As soon as we were fairly within the castle gates we were ordered +into her presence. King Uriens was there, a kind-faced old man +with a subdued look; and also the son, Sir Uwaine le Blanchemains, +in whom I was, of course, interested on account of the tradition +that he had once done battle with thirty knights, and also on +account of his trip with Sir Gawaine and Sir Marhaus, which Sandy +had been aging me with. But Morgan was the main attraction, the +conspicuous personality here; she was head chief of this household, +that was plain. She caused us to be seated, and then she began, +with all manner of pretty graces and graciousnesses, to ask me +questions. Dear me, it was like a bird or a flute, or something, +talking. I felt persuaded that this woman must have been +misrepresented, lied about. She trilled along, and trilled along, +and presently a handsome young page, clothed like the rainbow, and +as easy and undulatory of movement as a wave, came with something +on a golden salver, and, kneeling to present it to her, overdid +his graces and lost his balance, and so fell lightly against her +knee. She slipped a dirk into him in as matter-of-course a way as +another person would have harpooned a rat!</p> + +<p>Poor child! he slumped to the floor, twisted his silken limbs in +one great straining contortion of pain, and was dead. Out of the +old king was wrung an involuntary "O-h!" of compassion. The look +he got, made him cut it suddenly short and not put any more hyphens +in it. Sir Uwaine, at a sign from his mother, went to the anteroom +and called some servants, and meanwhile madame went rippling sweetly +along with her talk.</p> + +<p>I saw that she was a good housekeeper, for while she talked she +kept a corner of her eye on the servants to see that they made +no balks in handling the body and getting it out; when they came +with fresh clean towels, she sent back for the other kind; and +when they had finished wiping the floor and were going, she indicated +a crimson fleck the size of a tear which their duller eyes had +overlooked. It was plain to me that La Cote Male Taile had failed +to see the mistress of the house. Often, how louder and clearer +than any tongue, does dumb circumstantial evidence speak.</p> + +<p>Morgan le Fay rippled along as musically as ever. Marvelous woman. +And what a glance she had: when it fell in reproof upon those +servants, they shrunk and quailed as timid people do when the +lightning flashes out of a cloud. I could have got the habit +myself. It was the same with that poor old Brer Uriens; he was +always on the ragged edge of apprehension; she could not even turn +toward him but he winced.</p> + +<p>In the midst of the talk I let drop a complimentary word about +King Arthur, forgetting for the moment how this woman hated her +brother. That one little compliment was enough. She clouded up +like storm; she called for her guards, and said:</p> + +<p>"Hale me these varlets to the dungeons."</p> + +<p>That struck cold on my ears, for her dungeons had a reputation. +Nothing occurred to me to say—or do. But not so with Sandy. +As the guard laid a hand upon me, she piped up with the tranquilest +confidence, and said:</p> + +<p>"God's wounds, dost thou covet destruction, thou maniac? It is +The Boss!"</p> + +<p>Now what a happy idea that was!—and so simple; yet it would never +have occurred to me. I was born modest; not all over, but in spots; +and this was one of the spots.</p> + +<p>The effect upon madame was electrical. It cleared her countenance +and brought back her smiles and all her persuasive graces and +blandishments; but nevertheless she was not able to entirely cover up +with them the fact that she was in a ghastly fright. She said:</p> + +<p>"La, but do list to thine handmaid! as if one gifted with powers +like to mine might say the thing which I have said unto one who +has vanquished Merlin, and not be jesting. By mine enchantments +I foresaw your coming, and by them I knew you when you entered +here. I did but play this little jest with hope to surprise you +into some display of your art, as not doubting you would blast +the guards with occult fires, consuming them to ashes on the spot, +a marvel much beyond mine own ability, yet one which I have long +been childishly curious to see."</p> + +<p>The guards were less curious, and got out as soon as they got permission.</p> + + + + + +<br> +<br> + + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's +Court, Part 3., by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CONNECTICUT YANKEE *** + +***** This file should be named 7244-h.htm or 7244-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/7/2/4/7244/ + +Produced by David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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+++ b/7244.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1590 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's +Court, Part 3., by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court, Part 3. + +Author: Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) + +Release Date: July 6, 2004 [EBook #7244] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CONNECTICUT YANKEE *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + + A CONNECTICUT YANKEE IN KING ARTHUR'S COURT + + by + + MARK TWAIN + (Samuel L. Clemens) + + Part 3. + + + + +CHAPTER XII + +SLOW TORTURE + +Straight off, we were in the country. It was most lovely and +pleasant in those sylvan solitudes in the early cool morning +in the first freshness of autumn. From hilltops we saw fair +green valleys lying spread out below, with streams winding through +them, and island groves of trees here and there, and huge lonely +oaks scattered about and casting black blots of shade; and beyond +the valleys we saw the ranges of hills, blue with haze, stretching +away in billowy perspective to the horizon, with at wide intervals +a dim fleck of white or gray on a wave-summit, which we knew was +a castle. We crossed broad natural lawns sparkling with dew, +and we moved like spirits, the cushioned turf giving out no sound +of footfall; we dreamed along through glades in a mist of green +light that got its tint from the sun-drenched roof of leaves +overhead, and by our feet the clearest and coldest of runlets +went frisking and gossiping over its reefs and making a sort of +whispering music, comfortable to hear; and at times we left the +world behind and entered into the solemn great deeps and rich +gloom of the forest, where furtive wild things whisked and scurried +by and were gone before you could even get your eye on the place +where the noise was; and where only the earliest birds were turning +out and getting to business with a song here and a quarrel yonder +and a mysterious far-off hammering and drumming for worms on +a tree trunk away somewhere in the impenetrable remotenesses of +the woods. And by and by out we would swing again into the glare. + +About the third or fourth or fifth time that we swung out into +the glare--it was along there somewhere, a couple of hours or so +after sun-up--it wasn't as pleasant as it had been. It was +beginning to get hot. This was quite noticeable. We had a very +long pull, after that, without any shade. Now it is curious how +progressively little frets grow and multiply after they once get +a start. Things which I didn't mind at all, at first, I began +to mind now--and more and more, too, all the time. The first +ten or fifteen times I wanted my handkerchief I didn't seem to care; +I got along, and said never mind, it isn't any matter, and dropped +it out of my mind. But now it was different; I wanted it all +the time; it was nag, nag, nag, right along, and no rest; I couldn't +get it out of my mind; and so at last I lost my temper and said +hang a man that would make a suit of armor without any pockets +in it. You see I had my handkerchief in my helmet; and some other +things; but it was that kind of a helmet that you can't take off +by yourself. That hadn't occurred to me when I put it there; +and in fact I didn't know it. I supposed it would be particularly +convenient there. And so now, the thought of its being there, +so handy and close by, and yet not get-at-able, made it all the +worse and the harder to bear. Yes, the thing that you can't get +is the thing that you want, mainly; every one has noticed that. +Well, it took my mind off from everything else; took it clear off, +and centered it in my helmet; and mile after mile, there it stayed, +imagining the handkerchief, picturing the handkerchief; and it +was bitter and aggravating to have the salt sweat keep trickling +down into my eyes, and I couldn't get at it. It seems like a little +thing, on paper, but it was not a little thing at all; it was +the most real kind of misery. I would not say it if it was not so. +I made up my mind that I would carry along a reticule next time, +let it look how it might, and people say what they would. Of course +these iron dudes of the Round Table would think it was scandalous, +and maybe raise Sheol about it, but as for me, give me comfort +first, and style afterwards. So we jogged along, and now and then +we struck a stretch of dust, and it would tumble up in clouds and +get into my nose and make me sneeze and cry; and of course I said +things I oughtn't to have said, I don't deny that. I am not +better than others. + +We couldn't seem to meet anybody in this lonesome Britain, not +even an ogre; and, in the mood I was in then, it was well for +the ogre; that is, an ogre with a handkerchief. Most knights +would have thought of nothing but getting his armor; but so I got +his bandanna, he could keep his hardware, for all of me. + +Meantime, it was getting hotter and hotter in there. You see, +the sun was beating down and warming up the iron more and more +all the time. Well, when you are hot, that way, every little thing +irritates you. When I trotted, I rattled like a crate of dishes, +and that annoyed me; and moreover I couldn't seem to stand that +shield slatting and banging, now about my breast, now around my +back; and if I dropped into a walk my joints creaked and screeched +in that wearisome way that a wheelbarrow does, and as we didn't +create any breeze at that gait, I was like to get fried in that +stove; and besides, the quieter you went the heavier the iron +settled down on you and the more and more tons you seemed to weigh +every minute. And you had to be always changing hands, and passing +your spear over to the other foot, it got so irksome for one hand +to hold it long at a time. + +Well, you know, when you perspire that way, in rivers, there comes +a time when you--when you--well, when you itch. You are inside, +your hands are outside; so there you are; nothing but iron between. +It is not a light thing, let it sound as it may. First it is one +place; then another; then some more; and it goes on spreading and +spreading, and at last the territory is all occupied, and nobody +can imagine what you feel like, nor how unpleasant it is. And +when it had got to the worst, and it seemed to me that I could +not stand anything more, a fly got in through the bars and settled +on my nose, and the bars were stuck and wouldn't work, and I +couldn't get the visor up; and I could only shake my head, which +was baking hot by this time, and the fly--well, you know how a fly +acts when he has got a certainty--he only minded the shaking enough +to change from nose to lip, and lip to ear, and buzz and buzz +all around in there, and keep on lighting and biting, in a way +that a person, already so distressed as I was, simply could not +stand. So I gave in, and got Alisande to unship the helmet and +relieve me of it. Then she emptied the conveniences out of it +and fetched it full of water, and I drank and then stood up, and +she poured the rest down inside the armor. One cannot think how +refreshing it was. She continued to fetch and pour until I was +well soaked and thoroughly comfortable. + +It was good to have a rest--and peace. But nothing is quite +perfect in this life, at any time. I had made a pipe a while back, +and also some pretty fair tobacco; not the real thing, but what +some of the Indians use: the inside bark of the willow, dried. +These comforts had been in the helmet, and now I had them again, +but no matches. + +Gradually, as the time wore along, one annoying fact was borne in +upon my understanding--that we were weather-bound. An armed novice +cannot mount his horse without help and plenty of it. Sandy was +not enough; not enough for me, anyway. We had to wait until +somebody should come along. Waiting, in silence, would have been +agreeable enough, for I was full of matter for reflection, and +wanted to give it a chance to work. I wanted to try and think out +how it was that rational or even half-rational men could ever +have learned to wear armor, considering its inconveniences; and +how they had managed to keep up such a fashion for generations +when it was plain that what I had suffered to-day they had had +to suffer all the days of their lives. I wanted to think that out; +and moreover I wanted to think out some way to reform this evil +and persuade the people to let the foolish fashion die out; but +thinking was out of the question in the circumstances. You couldn't +think, where Sandy was. + +She was a quite biddable creature and good-hearted, but she had +a flow of talk that was as steady as a mill, and made your head +sore like the drays and wagons in a city. If she had had a cork +she would have been a comfort. But you can't cork that kind; +they would die. Her clack was going all day, and you would think +something would surely happen to her works, by and by; but no, +they never got out of order; and she never had to slack up for +words. She could grind, and pump, and churn, and buzz by the week, +and never stop to oil up or blow out. And yet the result was just +nothing but wind. She never had any ideas, any more than a fog +has. She was a perfect blatherskite; I mean for jaw, jaw, jaw, +talk, talk, talk, jabber, jabber, jabber; but just as good as she +could be. I hadn't minded her mill that morning, on account of +having that hornets' nest of other troubles; but more than once +in the afternoon I had to say: + +"Take a rest, child; the way you are using up all the domestic air, +the kingdom will have to go to importing it by to-morrow, and it's +a low enough treasury without that." + + + +CHAPTER XIII + +FREEMEN + +Yes, it is strange how little a while at a time a person can be +contented. Only a little while back, when I was riding and +suffering, what a heaven this peace, this rest, this sweet serenity +in this secluded shady nook by this purling stream would have +seemed, where I could keep perfectly comfortable all the time +by pouring a dipper of water into my armor now and then; yet +already I was getting dissatisfied; partly because I could not +light my pipe--for, although I had long ago started a match factory, +I had forgotten to bring matches with me--and partly because we +had nothing to eat. Here was another illustration of the childlike +improvidence of this age and people. A man in armor always trusted +to chance for his food on a journey, and would have been scandalized +at the idea of hanging a basket of sandwiches on his spear. There +was probably not a knight of all the Round Table combination who +would not rather have died than been caught carrying such a thing +as that on his flagstaff. And yet there could not be anything more +sensible. It had been my intention to smuggle a couple of sandwiches +into my helmet, but I was interrupted in the act, and had to make +an excuse and lay them aside, and a dog got them. + +Night approached, and with it a storm. The darkness came on fast. +We must camp, of course. I found a good shelter for the demoiselle +under a rock, and went off and found another for myself. But +I was obliged to remain in my armor, because I could not get it off +by myself and yet could not allow Alisande to help, because it +would have seemed so like undressing before folk. It would not +have amounted to that in reality, because I had clothes on +underneath; but the prejudices of one's breeding are not gotten +rid of just at a jump, and I knew that when it came to stripping +off that bob-tailed iron petticoat I should be embarrassed. + +With the storm came a change of weather; and the stronger the wind +blew, and the wilder the rain lashed around, the colder and colder +it got. Pretty soon, various kinds of bugs and ants and worms +and things began to flock in out of the wet and crawl down inside +my armor to get warm; and while some of them behaved well enough, +and snuggled up amongst my clothes and got quiet, the majority +were of a restless, uncomfortable sort, and never stayed still, +but went on prowling and hunting for they did not know what; +especially the ants, which went tickling along in wearisome +procession from one end of me to the other by the hour, and are +a kind of creatures which I never wish to sleep with again. +It would be my advice to persons situated in this way, to not roll +or thrash around, because this excites the interest of all the +different sorts of animals and makes every last one of them want +to turn out and see what is going on, and this makes things worse +than they were before, and of course makes you objurgate harder, +too, if you can. Still, if one did not roll and thrash around +he would die; so perhaps it is as well to do one way as the other; +there is no real choice. Even after I was frozen solid I could +still distinguish that tickling, just as a corpse does when he is +taking electric treatment. I said I would never wear armor +after this trip. + +All those trying hours whilst I was frozen and yet was in a living +fire, as you may say, on account of that swarm of crawlers, that +same unanswerable question kept circling and circling through my +tired head: How do people stand this miserable armor? How have +they managed to stand it all these generations? How can they sleep +at night for dreading the tortures of next day? + +When the morning came at last, I was in a bad enough plight: seedy, +drowsy, fagged, from want of sleep; weary from thrashing around, +famished from long fasting; pining for a bath, and to get rid of +the animals; and crippled with rheumatism. And how had it fared +with the nobly born, the titled aristocrat, the Demoiselle Alisande +la Carteloise? Why, she was as fresh as a squirrel; she had slept +like the dead; and as for a bath, probably neither she nor any +other noble in the land had ever had one, and so she was not +missing it. Measured by modern standards, they were merely modified +savages, those people. This noble lady showed no impatience to get +to breakfast--and that smacks of the savage, too. On their journeys +those Britons were used to long fasts, and knew how to bear them; +and also how to freight up against probable fasts before starting, +after the style of the Indian and the anaconda. As like as not, +Sandy was loaded for a three-day stretch. + +We were off before sunrise, Sandy riding and I limping along +behind. In half an hour we came upon a group of ragged poor +creatures who had assembled to mend the thing which was regarded +as a road. They were as humble as animals to me; and when I +proposed to breakfast with them, they were so flattered, so +overwhelmed by this extraordinary condescension of mine that +at first they were not able to believe that I was in earnest. +My lady put up her scornful lip and withdrew to one side; she said +in their hearing that she would as soon think of eating with the +other cattle--a remark which embarrassed these poor devils merely +because it referred to them, and not because it insulted or offended +them, for it didn't. And yet they were not slaves, not chattels. +By a sarcasm of law and phrase they were freemen. Seven-tenths +of the free population of the country were of just their class and +degree: small "independent" farmers, artisans, etc.; which is +to say, they were the nation, the actual Nation; they were about +all of it that was useful, or worth saving, or really respect-worthy, +and to subtract them would have been to subtract the Nation and +leave behind some dregs, some refuse, in the shape of a king, +nobility and gentry, idle, unproductive, acquainted mainly with +the arts of wasting and destroying, and of no sort of use or value +in any rationally constructed world. And yet, by ingenious +contrivance, this gilded minority, instead of being in the tail +of the procession where it belonged, was marching head up and +banners flying, at the other end of it; had elected itself to be +the Nation, and these innumerable clams had permitted it so long +that they had come at last to accept it as a truth; and not only +that, but to believe it right and as it should be. The priests +had told their fathers and themselves that this ironical state +of things was ordained of God; and so, not reflecting upon how +unlike God it would be to amuse himself with sarcasms, and especially +such poor transparent ones as this, they had dropped the matter +there and become respectfully quiet. + +The talk of these meek people had a strange enough sound in +a formerly American ear. They were freemen, but they could not +leave the estates of their lord or their bishop without his +permission; they could not prepare their own bread, but must have +their corn ground and their bread baked at his mill and his bakery, +and pay roundly for the same; they could not sell a piece of their +own property without paying him a handsome percentage of the +proceeds, nor buy a piece of somebody else's without remembering +him in cash for the privilege; they had to harvest his grain for him +gratis, and be ready to come at a moment's notice, leaving their +own crop to destruction by the threatened storm; they had to let +him plant fruit trees in their fields, and then keep their indignation +to themselves when his heedless fruit-gatherers trampled the grain +around the trees; they had to smother their anger when his hunting +parties galloped through their fields laying waste the result of +their patient toil; they were not allowed to keep doves themselves, +and when the swarms from my lord's dovecote settled on their crops +they must not lose their temper and kill a bird, for awful would +the penalty be; when the harvest was at last gathered, then came +the procession of robbers to levy their blackmail upon it: first +the Church carted off its fat tenth, then the king's commissioner +took his twentieth, then my lord's people made a mighty inroad +upon the remainder; after which, the skinned freeman had liberty +to bestow the remnant in his barn, in case it was worth the trouble; +there were taxes, and taxes, and taxes, and more taxes, and taxes +again, and yet other taxes--upon this free and independent pauper, +but none upon his lord the baron or the bishop, none upon the +wasteful nobility or the all-devouring Church; if the baron would +sleep unvexed, the freeman must sit up all night after his day's +work and whip the ponds to keep the frogs quiet; if the freeman's +daughter--but no, that last infamy of monarchical government is +unprintable; and finally, if the freeman, grown desperate with his +tortures, found his life unendurable under such conditions, and +sacrificed it and fled to death for mercy and refuge, the gentle +Church condemned him to eternal fire, the gentle law buried him +at midnight at the cross-roads with a stake through his back, +and his master the baron or the bishop confiscated all his property +and turned his widow and his orphans out of doors. + +And here were these freemen assembled in the early morning to work +on their lord the bishop's road three days each--gratis; every +head of a family, and every son of a family, three days each, +gratis, and a day or so added for their servants. Why, it was +like reading about France and the French, before the ever memorable +and blessed Revolution, which swept a thousand years of such +villany away in one swift tidal-wave of blood--one: a settlement +of that hoary debt in the proportion of half a drop of blood for +each hogshead of it that had been pressed by slow tortures out of +that people in the weary stretch of ten centuries of wrong and +shame and misery the like of which was not to be mated but in hell. +There were two "Reigns of Terror," if we would but remember it +and consider it; the one wrought murder in hot passion, the other +in heartless cold blood; the one lasted mere months, the other had +lasted a thousand years; the one inflicted death upon ten thousand +persons, the other upon a hundred millions; but our shudders are +all for the "horrors" of the minor Terror, the momentary Terror, +so to speak; whereas, what is the horror of swift death by the axe, +compared with lifelong death from hunger, cold, insult, cruelty, +and heart-break? What is swift death by lightning compared with +death by slow fire at the stake? A city cemetery could contain the +coffins filled by that brief Terror which we have all been so +diligently taught to shiver at and mourn over; but all France could +hardly contain the coffins filled by that older and real Terror +--that unspeakably bitter and awful Terror which none of us has +been taught to see in its vastness or pity as it deserves. + +These poor ostensible freemen who were sharing their breakfast +and their talk with me, were as full of humble reverence for their +king and Church and nobility as their worst enemy could desire. +There was something pitifully ludicrous about it. I asked them +if they supposed a nation of people ever existed, who, with a free +vote in every man's hand, would elect that a single family and its +descendants should reign over it forever, whether gifted or boobies, +to the exclusion of all other families--including the voter's; and +would also elect that a certain hundred families should be raised +to dizzy summits of rank, and clothed on with offensive transmissible +glories and privileges to the exclusion of the rest of the nation's +families--_including his own_. + +They all looked unhit, and said they didn't know; that they had +never thought about it before, and it hadn't ever occurred to them +that a nation could be so situated that every man _could_ have +a say in the government. I said I had seen one--and that it would +last until it had an Established Church. Again they were all +unhit--at first. But presently one man looked up and asked me +to state that proposition again; and state it slowly, so it could +soak into his understanding. I did it; and after a little he had +the idea, and he brought his fist down and said _he_ didn't believe +a nation where every man had a vote would voluntarily get down +in the mud and dirt in any such way; and that to steal from a nation +its will and preference must be a crime and the first of all crimes. +I said to myself: + +"This one's a man. If I were backed by enough of his sort, I would +make a strike for the welfare of this country, and try to prove +myself its loyalest citizen by making a wholesome change in its +system of government." + +You see my kind of loyalty was loyalty to one's country, not to +its institutions or its office-holders. The country is the real +thing, the substantial thing, the eternal thing; it is the thing +to watch over, and care for, and be loyal to; institutions are +extraneous, they are its mere clothing, and clothing can wear out, +become ragged, cease to be comfortable, cease to protect the body +from winter, disease, and death. To be loyal to rags, to shout +for rags, to worship rags, to die for rags--that is a loyalty +of unreason, it is pure animal; it belongs to monarchy, was invented +by monarchy; let monarchy keep it. I was from Connecticut, whose +Constitution declares "that all political power is inherent in +the people, and all free governments are founded on their authority +and instituted for their benefit; and that they have _at all times_ +an undeniable and indefeasible right to _alter their form of +government_ in such a manner as they may think expedient." + +Under that gospel, the citizen who thinks he sees that the +commonwealth's political clothes are worn out, and yet holds his +peace and does not agitate for a new suit, is disloyal; he is +a traitor. That he may be the only one who thinks he sees this +decay, does not excuse him; it is his duty to agitate anyway, and +it is the duty of the others to vote him down if they do not see +the matter as he does. + +And now here I was, in a country where a right to say how the +country should be governed was restricted to six persons in each +thousand of its population. For the nine hundred and ninety-four +to express dissatisfaction with the regnant system and propose +to change it, would have made the whole six shudder as one man, +it would have been so disloyal, so dishonorable, such putrid black +treason. So to speak, I was become a stockholder in a corporation +where nine hundred and ninety-four of the members furnished all +the money and did all the work, and the other six elected themselves +a permanent board of direction and took all the dividends. It seemed +to me that what the nine hundred and ninety-four dupes needed was +a new deal. The thing that would have best suited the circus side +of my nature would have been to resign the Boss-ship and get up +an insurrection and turn it into a revolution; but I knew that the +Jack Cade or the Wat Tyler who tries such a thing without first +educating his materials up to revolution grade is almost absolutely +certain to get left. I had never been accustomed to getting left, +even if I do say it myself. Wherefore, the "deal" which had been +for some time working into shape in my mind was of a quite different +pattern from the Cade-Tyler sort. + +So I did not talk blood and insurrection to that man there who sat +munching black bread with that abused and mistaught herd of human +sheep, but took him aside and talked matter of another sort to him. +After I had finished, I got him to lend me a little ink from his +veins; and with this and a sliver I wrote on a piece of bark-- + + Put him in the Man-factory-- + +and gave it to him, and said: + +"Take it to the palace at Camelot and give it into the hands of +Amyas le Poulet, whom I call Clarence, and he will understand." + +"He is a priest, then," said the man, and some of the enthusiasm +went out of his face. + +"How--a priest? Didn't I tell you that no chattel of the Church, +no bond-slave of pope or bishop can enter my Man-Factory? Didn't +I tell you that _you_ couldn't enter unless your religion, whatever +it might be, was your own free property?" + +"Marry, it is so, and for that I was glad; wherefore it liked me not, +and bred in me a cold doubt, to hear of this priest being there." + +"But he isn't a priest, I tell you." + +The man looked far from satisfied. He said: + +"He is not a priest, and yet can read?" + +"He is not a priest and yet can read--yes, and write, too, for that +matter. I taught him myself." The man's face cleared. "And it is +the first thing that you yourself will be taught in that Factory--" + +"I? I would give blood out of my heart to know that art. Why, +I will be your slave, your--" + +"No you won't, you won't be anybody's slave. Take your family +and go along. Your lord the bishop will confiscate your small +property, but no matter. Clarence will fix you all right." + + + +CHAPTER XIV + +"DEFEND THEE, LORD" + +I paid three pennies for my breakfast, and a most extravagant +price it was, too, seeing that one could have breakfasted a dozen +persons for that money; but I was feeling good by this time, and +I had always been a kind of spendthrift anyway; and then these +people had wanted to give me the food for nothing, scant as +their provision was, and so it was a grateful pleasure to emphasize +my appreciation and sincere thankfulness with a good big financial +lift where the money would do so much more good than it would +in my helmet, where, these pennies being made of iron and not +stinted in weight, my half-dollar's worth was a good deal of a +burden to me. I spent money rather too freely in those days, +it is true; but one reason for it was that I hadn't got the +proportions of things entirely adjusted, even yet, after so long +a sojourn in Britain--hadn't got along to where I was able to +absolutely realize that a penny in Arthur's land and a couple of +dollars in Connecticut were about one and the same thing: just +twins, as you may say, in purchasing power. If my start from +Camelot could have been delayed a very few days I could have paid +these people in beautiful new coins from our own mint, and that +would have pleased me; and them, too, not less. I had adopted +the American values exclusively. In a week or two now, cents, +nickels, dimes, quarters, and half-dollars, and also a trifle of +gold, would be trickling in thin but steady streams all through +the commercial veins of the kingdom, and I looked to see this +new blood freshen up its life. + +The farmers were bound to throw in something, to sort of offset +my liberality, whether I would or no; so I let them give me a flint +and steel; and as soon as they had comfortably bestowed Sandy +and me on our horse, I lit my pipe. When the first blast of smoke +shot out through the bars of my helmet, all those people broke +for the woods, and Sandy went over backwards and struck the ground +with a dull thud. They thought I was one of those fire-belching +dragons they had heard so much about from knights and other +professional liars. I had infinite trouble to persuade those people +to venture back within explaining distance. Then I told them that +this was only a bit of enchantment which would work harm to none +but my enemies. And I promised, with my hand on my heart, that +if all who felt no enmity toward me would come forward and pass +before me they should see that only those who remained behind would +be struck dead. The procession moved with a good deal of promptness. +There were no casualties to report, for nobody had curiosity enough +to remain behind to see what would happen. + +I lost some time, now, for these big children, their fears gone, +became so ravished with wonder over my awe-compelling fireworks +that I had to stay there and smoke a couple of pipes out before +they would let me go. Still the delay was not wholly unproductive, +for it took all that time to get Sandy thoroughly wonted to the new +thing, she being so close to it, you know. It plugged up her +conversation mill, too, for a considerable while, and that was +a gain. But above all other benefits accruing, I had learned +something. I was ready for any giant or any ogre that might come +along, now. + +We tarried with a holy hermit, that night, and my opportunity +came about the middle of the next afternoon. We were crossing +a vast meadow by way of short-cut, and I was musing absently, +hearing nothing, seeing nothing, when Sandy suddenly interrupted +a remark which she had begun that morning, with the cry: + +"Defend thee, lord!--peril of life is toward!" + +And she slipped down from the horse and ran a little way and stood. +I looked up and saw, far off in the shade of a tree, half a dozen +armed knights and their squires; and straightway there was bustle +among them and tightening of saddle-girths for the mount. My pipe +was ready and would have been lit, if I had not been lost in +thinking about how to banish oppression from this land and restore +to all its people their stolen rights and manhood without disobliging +anybody. I lit up at once, and by the time I had got a good head +of reserved steam on, here they came. All together, too; none of +those chivalrous magnanimities which one reads so much about +--one courtly rascal at a time, and the rest standing by to see fair +play. No, they came in a body, they came with a whirr and a rush, +they came like a volley from a battery; came with heads low down, +plumes streaming out behind, lances advanced at a level. It was +a handsome sight, a beautiful sight--for a man up a tree. I laid +my lance in rest and waited, with my heart beating, till the iron +wave was just ready to break over me, then spouted a column of +white smoke through the bars of my helmet. You should have seen +the wave go to pieces and scatter! This was a finer sight than +the other one. + +But these people stopped, two or three hundred yards away, and +this troubled me. My satisfaction collapsed, and fear came; +I judged I was a lost man. But Sandy was radiant; and was going +to be eloquent--but I stopped her, and told her my magic had +miscarried, somehow or other, and she must mount, with all despatch, +and we must ride for life. No, she wouldn't. She said that my +enchantment had disabled those knights; they were not riding on, +because they couldn't; wait, they would drop out of their saddles +presently, and we would get their horses and harness. I could not +deceive such trusting simplicity, so I said it was a mistake; that +when my fireworks killed at all, they killed instantly; no, the men +would not die, there was something wrong about my apparatus, +I couldn't tell what; but we must hurry and get away, for those +people would attack us again, in a minute. Sandy laughed, and said: + +"Lack-a-day, sir, they be not of that breed! Sir Launcelot will +give battle to dragons, and will abide by them, and will assail +them again, and yet again, and still again, until he do conquer +and destroy them; and so likewise will Sir Pellinore and Sir Aglovale +and Sir Carados, and mayhap others, but there be none else that +will venture it, let the idle say what the idle will. And, la, +as to yonder base rufflers, think ye they have not their fill, +but yet desire more?" + +"Well, then, what are they waiting for? Why don't they leave? +Nobody's hindering. Good land, I'm willing to let bygones be +bygones, I'm sure." + +"Leave, is it? Oh, give thyself easement as to that. They dream +not of it, no, not they. They wait to yield them." + +"Come--really, is that 'sooth'--as you people say? If they want to, +why don't they?" + +"It would like them much; but an ye wot how dragons are esteemed, +ye would not hold them blamable. They fear to come." + +"Well, then, suppose I go to them instead, and--" + +"Ah, wit ye well they would not abide your coming. I will go." + +And she did. She was a handy person to have along on a raid. +I would have considered this a doubtful errand, myself. I presently +saw the knights riding away, and Sandy coming back. That was +a relief. I judged she had somehow failed to get the first innings +--I mean in the conversation; otherwise the interview wouldn't have +been so short. But it turned out that she had managed the business +well; in fact, admirably. She said that when she told those people +I was The Boss, it hit them where they lived: "smote them sore +with fear and dread" was her word; and then they were ready to +put up with anything she might require. So she swore them to appear +at Arthur's court within two days and yield them, with horse and +harness, and be my knights henceforth, and subject to my command. +How much better she managed that thing than I should have done +it myself! She was a daisy. + + + +CHAPTER XV + +SANDY'S TALE + +"And so I'm proprietor of some knights," said I, as we rode off. +"Who would ever have supposed that I should live to list up assets +of that sort. I shan't know what to do with them; unless I raffle +them off. How many of them are there, Sandy?" + +"Seven, please you, sir, and their squires." + +"It is a good haul. Who are they? Where do they hang out?" + +"Where do they hang out?" + +"Yes, where do they live?" + +"Ah, I understood thee not. That will I tell eftsoons." Then she +said musingly, and softly, turning the words daintily over her +tongue: "Hang they out--hang they out--where hang--where do they +hang out; eh, right so; where do they hang out. Of a truth the +phrase hath a fair and winsome grace, and is prettily worded +withal. I will repeat it anon and anon in mine idlesse, whereby +I may peradventure learn it. Where do they hang out. Even so! +already it falleth trippingly from my tongue, and forasmuch as--" + +"Don't forget the cowboys, Sandy." + +"Cowboys?" + +"Yes; the knights, you know: You were going to tell me about them. +A while back, you remember. Figuratively speaking, game's called." + +"Game--" + +"Yes, yes, yes! Go to the bat. I mean, get to work on your +statistics, and don't burn so much kindling getting your fire +started. Tell me about the knights." + +"I will well, and lightly will begin. So they two departed and +rode into a great forest. And--" + +"Great Scott!" + +You see, I recognized my mistake at once. I had set her works +a-going; it was my own fault; she would be thirty days getting down +to those facts. And she generally began without a preface and +finished without a result. If you interrupted her she would either +go right along without noticing, or answer with a couple of words, +and go back and say the sentence over again. So, interruptions +only did harm; and yet I had to interrupt, and interrupt pretty +frequently, too, in order to save my life; a person would die if +he let her monotony drip on him right along all day. + +"Great Scott!" I said in my distress. She went right back and +began over again: + +"So they two departed and rode into a great forest. And--" + +"_Which_ two?" + +"Sir Gawaine and Sir Uwaine. And so they came to an abbey of monks, +and there were well lodged. So on the morn they heard their masses +in the abbey, and so they rode forth till they came to a great +forest; then was Sir Gawaine ware in a valley by a turret, of +twelve fair damsels, and two knights armed on great horses, and +the damsels went to and fro by a tree. And then was Sir Gawaine +ware how there hung a white shield on that tree, and ever as the +damsels came by it they spit upon it, and some threw mire upon +the shield--" + +"Now, if I hadn't seen the like myself in this country, Sandy, +I wouldn't believe it. But I've seen it, and I can just see those +creatures now, parading before that shield and acting like that. +The women here do certainly act like all possessed. Yes, and +I mean your best, too, society's very choicest brands. The humblest +hello-girl along ten thousand miles of wire could teach gentleness, +patience, modesty, manners, to the highest duchess in Arthur's land." + +"Hello-girl?" + +"Yes, but don't you ask me to explain; it's a new kind of a girl; +they don't have them here; one often speaks sharply to them when +they are not the least in fault, and he can't get over feeling +sorry for it and ashamed of himself in thirteen hundred years, +it's such shabby mean conduct and so unprovoked; the fact is, +no gentleman ever does it--though I--well, I myself, if I've got +to confess--" + +"Peradventure she--" + +"Never mind her; never mind her; I tell you I couldn't ever explain +her so you would understand." + +"Even so be it, sith ye are so minded. Then Sir Gawaine and +Sir Uwaine went and saluted them, and asked them why they did that +despite to the shield. Sirs, said the damsels, we shall tell you. +There is a knight in this country that owneth this white shield, +and he is a passing good man of his hands, but he hateth all +ladies and gentlewomen, and therefore we do all this despite to +the shield. I will say you, said Sir Gawaine, it beseemeth evil +a good knight to despise all ladies and gentlewomen, and peradventure +though he hate you he hath some cause, and peradventure he loveth +in some other places ladies and gentlewomen, and to be loved again, +and he such a man of prowess as ye speak of--" + +"Man of prowess--yes, that is the man to please them, Sandy. +Man of brains--that is a thing they never think of. Tom Sayers +--John Heenan--John L. Sullivan--pity but you could be here. You +would have your legs under the Round Table and a 'Sir' in front +of your names within the twenty-four hours; and you could bring +about a new distribution of the married princesses and duchesses +of the Court in another twenty-four. The fact is, it is just +a sort of polished-up court of Comanches, and there isn't a squaw +in it who doesn't stand ready at the dropping of a hat to desert +to the buck with the biggest string of scalps at his belt." + +"--and he be such a man of prowess as ye speak of, said Sir Gawaine. +Now, what is his name? Sir, said they, his name is Marhaus the +king's son of Ireland." + +"Son of the king of Ireland, you mean; the other form doesn't mean +anything. And look out and hold on tight, now, we must jump +this gully.... There, we are all right now. This horse belongs in +the circus; he is born before his time." + +"I know him well, said Sir Uwaine, he is a passing good knight as +any is on live." + +"_On live_. If you've got a fault in the world, Sandy, it is that +you are a shade too archaic. But it isn't any matter." + +"--for I saw him once proved at a justs where many knights were +gathered, and that time there might no man withstand him. Ah, said +Sir Gawaine, damsels, methinketh ye are to blame, for it is to +suppose he that hung that shield there will not be long therefrom, +and then may those knights match him on horseback, and that is +more your worship than thus; for I will abide no longer to see +a knight's shield dishonored. And therewith Sir Uwaine and +Sir Gawaine departed a little from them, and then were they ware +where Sir Marhaus came riding on a great horse straight toward +them. And when the twelve damsels saw Sir Marhaus they fled into +the turret as they were wild, so that some of them fell by the way. +Then the one of the knights of the tower dressed his shield, and +said on high, Sir Marhaus defend thee. And so they ran together +that the knight brake his spear on Marhaus, and Sir Marhaus smote +him so hard that he brake his neck and the horse's back--" + +"Well, that is just the trouble about this state of things, +it ruins so many horses." + +"That saw the other knight of the turret, and dressed him toward +Marhaus, and they went so eagerly together, that the knight of +the turret was soon smitten down, horse and man, stark dead--" + +"_Another_ horse gone; I tell you it is a custom that ought to be +broken up. I don't see how people with any feeling can applaud +and support it." + + . . . . + +"So these two knights came together with great random--" + +I saw that I had been asleep and missed a chapter, but I didn't +say anything. I judged that the Irish knight was in trouble with +the visitors by this time, and this turned out to be the case. + +"--that Sir Uwaine smote Sir Marhaus that his spear brast in pieces +on the shield, and Sir Marhaus smote him so sore that horse and +man he bare to the earth, and hurt Sir Uwaine on the left side--" + +"The truth is, Alisande, these archaics are a little _too_ simple; +the vocabulary is too limited, and so, by consequence, descriptions +suffer in the matter of variety; they run too much to level Saharas +of fact, and not enough to picturesque detail; this throws about +them a certain air of the monotonous; in fact the fights are all +alike: a couple of people come together with great random +--random is a good word, and so is exegesis, for that matter, and +so is holocaust, and defalcation, and usufruct and a hundred others, +but land! a body ought to discriminate--they come together with +great random, and a spear is brast, and one party brake his shield +and the other one goes down, horse and man, over his horse-tail +and brake his neck, and then the next candidate comes randoming in, +and brast _his_ spear, and the other man brast his shield, and down +_he_ goes, horse and man, over his horse-tail, and brake _his_ neck, +and then there's another elected, and another and another and still +another, till the material is all used up; and when you come to +figure up results, you can't tell one fight from another, nor who +whipped; and as a _picture_, of living, raging, roaring battle, +sho! why, it's pale and noiseless--just ghosts scuffling in a fog. +Dear me, what would this barren vocabulary get out of the mightiest +spectacle?--the burning of Rome in Nero's time, for instance? +Why, it would merely say, 'Town burned down; no insurance; boy +brast a window, fireman brake his neck!' Why, _that_ ain't a picture!" + +It was a good deal of a lecture, I thought, but it didn't disturb +Sandy, didn't turn a feather; her steam soared steadily up again, +the minute I took off the lid: + +"Then Sir Marhaus turned his horse and rode toward Gawaine with +his spear. And when Sir Gawaine saw that, he dressed his shield, +and they aventred their spears, and they came together with all +the might of their horses, that either knight smote other so hard +in the midst of their shields, but Sir Gawaine's spear brake--" + +"I knew it would." + +--"but Sir Marhaus's spear held; and therewith Sir Gawaine and +his horse rushed down to the earth--" + +"Just so--and brake his back." + +--"and lightly Sir Gawaine rose upon his feet and pulled out +his sword, and dressed him toward Sir Marhaus on foot, and therewith +either came unto other eagerly, and smote together with their +swords, that their shields flew in cantels, and they bruised their +helms and their hauberks, and wounded either other. But Sir Gawaine, +fro it passed nine of the clock, waxed by the space of three hours +ever stronger and stronger and thrice his might was increased. +All this espied Sir Marhaus, and had great wonder how his might +increased, and so they wounded other passing sore; and then when +it was come noon--" + +The pelting sing-song of it carried me forward to scenes and +sounds of my boyhood days: + +"N-e-e-ew Haven! ten minutes for refreshments--knductr'll strike +the gong-bell two minutes before train leaves--passengers for +the Shore-line please take seats in the rear k'yar, this k'yar +don't go no furder--_ahh_-pls, _aw_-rnjz, b'_nan_ners, +_s-a-n-d_'ches, p--_op_-corn!" + +--"and waxed past noon and drew toward evensong. Sir Gawaine's +strength feebled and waxed passing faint, that unnethes he might +dure any longer, and Sir Marhaus was then bigger and bigger--" + +"Which strained his armor, of course; and yet little would one +of these people mind a small thing like that." + +--"and so, Sir Knight, said Sir Marhaus, I have well felt that +ye are a passing good knight, and a marvelous man of might as ever +I felt any, while it lasteth, and our quarrels are not great, and +therefore it were a pity to do you hurt, for I feel you are passing +feeble. Ah, said Sir Gawaine, gentle knight, ye say the word +that I should say. And therewith they took off their helms and +either kissed other, and there they swore together either to love +other as brethren--" + +But I lost the thread there, and dozed off to slumber, thinking +about what a pity it was that men with such superb strength +--strength enabling them to stand up cased in cruelly burdensome +iron and drenched with perspiration, and hack and batter and bang +each other for six hours on a stretch--should not have been born +at a time when they could put it to some useful purpose. Take +a jackass, for instance: a jackass has that kind of strength, and +puts it to a useful purpose, and is valuable to this world because +he is a jackass; but a nobleman is not valuable because he is +a jackass. It is a mixture that is always ineffectual, and should +never have been attempted in the first place. And yet, once you +start a mistake, the trouble is done and you never know what is +going to come of it. + +When I came to myself again and began to listen, I perceived that +I had lost another chapter, and that Alisande had wandered a long +way off with her people. + +"And so they rode and came into a deep valley full of stones, +and thereby they saw a fair stream of water; above thereby was +the head of the stream, a fair fountain, and three damsels sitting +thereby. In this country, said Sir Marhaus, came never knight +since it was christened, but he found strange adventures--" + +"This is not good form, Alisande. Sir Marhaus the king's son of +Ireland talks like all the rest; you ought to give him a brogue, +or at least a characteristic expletive; by this means one would +recognize him as soon as he spoke, without his ever being named. +It is a common literary device with the great authors. You should +make him say, 'In this country, be jabers, came never knight since +it was christened, but he found strange adventures, be jabers.' +You see how much better that sounds." + +--"came never knight but he found strange adventures, be jabers. +Of a truth it doth indeed, fair lord, albeit 'tis passing hard +to say, though peradventure that will not tarry but better speed +with usage. And then they rode to the damsels, and either saluted +other, and the eldest had a garland of gold about her head, and +she was threescore winter of age or more--" + +"The _damsel_ was?" + +"Even so, dear lord--and her hair was white under the garland--" + +"Celluloid teeth, nine dollars a set, as like as not--the loose-fit +kind, that go up and down like a portcullis when you eat, and +fall out when you laugh." + +"The second damsel was of thirty winter of age, with a circlet of +gold about her head. The third damsel was but fifteen year of age--" + +Billows of thought came rolling over my soul, and the voice faded +out of my hearing! + +Fifteen! Break--my heart! oh, my lost darling! Just her age +who was so gentle, and lovely, and all the world to me, and whom +I shall never see again! How the thought of her carries me back +over wide seas of memory to a vague dim time, a happy time, so many, +many centuries hence, when I used to wake in the soft summer +mornings, out of sweet dreams of her, and say "Hello, Central!" +just to hear her dear voice come melting back to me with a +"Hello, Hank!" that was music of the spheres to my enchanted ear. +She got three dollars a week, but she was worth it. + +I could not follow Alisande's further explanation of who our +captured knights were, now--I mean in case she should ever get +to explaining who they were. My interest was gone, my thoughts +were far away, and sad. By fitful glimpses of the drifting tale, +caught here and there and now and then, I merely noted in a vague +way that each of these three knights took one of these three damsels +up behind him on his horse, and one rode north, another east, +the other south, to seek adventures, and meet again and lie, after +year and day. Year and day--and without baggage. It was of +a piece with the general simplicity of the country. + +The sun was now setting. It was about three in the afternoon when +Alisande had begun to tell me who the cowboys were; so she had made +pretty good progress with it--for her. She would arrive some time +or other, no doubt, but she was not a person who could be hurried. + +We were approaching a castle which stood on high ground; a huge, +strong, venerable structure, whose gray towers and battlements were +charmingly draped with ivy, and whose whole majestic mass was +drenched with splendors flung from the sinking sun. It was the +largest castle we had seen, and so I thought it might be the one +we were after, but Sandy said no. She did not know who owned it; +she said she had passed it without calling, when she went down +to Camelot. + + + +CHAPTER XVI + +MORGAN LE FAY + +If knights errant were to be believed, not all castles were desirable +places to seek hospitality in. As a matter of fact, knights errant +were _not_ persons to be believed--that is, measured by modern +standards of veracity; yet, measured by the standards of their own +time, and scaled accordingly, you got the truth. It was very +simple: you discounted a statement ninety-seven per cent; the rest +was fact. Now after making this allowance, the truth remained +that if I could find out something about a castle before ringing +the door-bell--I mean hailing the warders--it was the sensible +thing to do. So I was pleased when I saw in the distance a horseman +making the bottom turn of the road that wound down from this castle. + +As we approached each other, I saw that he wore a plumed helmet, +and seemed to be otherwise clothed in steel, but bore a curious +addition also--a stiff square garment like a herald's tabard. +However, I had to smile at my own forgetfulness when I got nearer +and read this sign on his tabard: + + "Persimmon's Soap -- All the Prime-Donna Use It." + +That was a little idea of my own, and had several wholesome purposes +in view toward the civilizing and uplifting of this nation. In the +first place, it was a furtive, underhand blow at this nonsense +of knight errantry, though nobody suspected that but me. I had +started a number of these people out--the bravest knights I could +get--each sandwiched between bulletin-boards bearing one device +or another, and I judged that by and by when they got to be numerous +enough they would begin to look ridiculous; and then, even the +steel-clad ass that _hadn't_ any board would himself begin to look +ridiculous because he was out of the fashion. + +Secondly, these missionaries would gradually, and without creating +suspicion or exciting alarm, introduce a rudimentary cleanliness +among the nobility, and from them it would work down to the people, +if the priests could be kept quiet. This would undermine the Church. +I mean would be a step toward that. Next, education--next, freedom +--and then she would begin to crumble. It being my conviction that +any Established Church is an established crime, an established +slave-pen, I had no scruples, but was willing to assail it in +any way or with any weapon that promised to hurt it. Why, in my +own former day--in remote centuries not yet stirring in the womb +of time--there were old Englishmen who imagined that they had been +born in a free country: a "free" country with the Corporation Act +and the Test still in force in it--timbers propped against men's +liberties and dishonored consciences to shore up an Established +Anachronism with. + +My missionaries were taught to spell out the gilt signs on their +tabards--the showy gilding was a neat idea, I could have got the +king to wear a bulletin-board for the sake of that barbaric +splendor--they were to spell out these signs and then explain to +the lords and ladies what soap was; and if the lords and ladies +were afraid of it, get them to try it on a dog. The missionary's +next move was to get the family together and try it on himself; +he was to stop at no experiment, however desperate, that could +convince the nobility that soap was harmless; if any final doubt +remained, he must catch a hermit--the woods were full of them; +saints they called themselves, and saints they were believed to be. +They were unspeakably holy, and worked miracles, and everybody +stood in awe of them. If a hermit could survive a wash, and that +failed to convince a duke, give him up, let him alone. + +Whenever my missionaries overcame a knight errant on the road +they washed him, and when he got well they swore him to go and +get a bulletin-board and disseminate soap and civilization the rest +of his days. As a consequence the workers in the field were +increasing by degrees, and the reform was steadily spreading. +My soap factory felt the strain early. At first I had only two +hands; but before I had left home I was already employing fifteen, +and running night and day; and the atmospheric result was getting +so pronounced that the king went sort of fainting and gasping +around and said he did not believe he could stand it much longer, +and Sir Launcelot got so that he did hardly anything but walk up +and down the roof and swear, although I told him it was worse up +there than anywhere else, but he said he wanted plenty of air; and +he was always complaining that a palace was no place for a soap +factory anyway, and said if a man was to start one in his house +he would be damned if he wouldn't strangle him. There were ladies +present, too, but much these people ever cared for that; they would +swear before children, if the wind was their way when the factory +was going. + +This missionary knight's name was La Cote Male Taile, and he said +that this castle was the abode of Morgan le Fay, sister of +King Arthur, and wife of King Uriens, monarch of a realm about +as big as the District of Columbia--you could stand in the middle +of it and throw bricks into the next kingdom. "Kings" and "Kingdoms" +were as thick in Britain as they had been in little Palestine in +Joshua's time, when people had to sleep with their knees pulled up +because they couldn't stretch out without a passport. + +La Cote was much depressed, for he had scored here the worst +failure of his campaign. He had not worked off a cake; yet he had +tried all the tricks of the trade, even to the washing of a hermit; +but the hermit died. This was, indeed, a bad failure, for this +animal would now be dubbed a martyr, and would take his place +among the saints of the Roman calendar. Thus made he his moan, +this poor Sir La Cote Male Taile, and sorrowed passing sore. And +so my heart bled for him, and I was moved to comfort and stay him. +Wherefore I said: + +"Forbear to grieve, fair knight, for this is not a defeat. We have +brains, you and I; and for such as have brains there are no defeats, +but only victories. Observe how we will turn this seeming disaster +into an advertisement; an advertisement for our soap; and the +biggest one, to draw, that was ever thought of; an advertisement +that will transform that Mount Washington defeat into a Matterhorn +victory. We will put on your bulletin-board, '_Patronized by the +elect_.' How does that strike you?" + +"Verily, it is wonderly bethought!" + +"Well, a body is bound to admit that for just a modest little +one-line ad, it's a corker." + +So the poor colporteur's griefs vanished away. He was a brave +fellow, and had done mighty feats of arms in his time. His chief +celebrity rested upon the events of an excursion like this one +of mine, which he had once made with a damsel named Maledisant, +who was as handy with her tongue as was Sandy, though in a different +way, for her tongue churned forth only railings and insult, whereas +Sandy's music was of a kindlier sort. I knew his story well, and so +I knew how to interpret the compassion that was in his face when he +bade me farewell. He supposed I was having a bitter hard time of it. + +Sandy and I discussed his story, as we rode along, and she said +that La Cote's bad luck had begun with the very beginning of that +trip; for the king's fool had overthrown him on the first day, +and in such cases it was customary for the girl to desert to the +conqueror, but Maledisant didn't do it; and also persisted afterward +in sticking to him, after all his defeats. But, said I, suppose +the victor should decline to accept his spoil? She said that that +wouldn't answer--he must. He couldn't decline; it wouldn't be +regular. I made a note of that. If Sandy's music got to be too +burdensome, some time, I would let a knight defeat me, on the chance +that she would desert to him. + +In due time we were challenged by the warders, from the castle +walls, and after a parley admitted. I have nothing pleasant to +tell about that visit. But it was not a disappointment, for I knew +Mrs. le Fay by reputation, and was not expecting anything pleasant. +She was held in awe by the whole realm, for she had made everybody +believe she was a great sorceress. All her ways were wicked, all +her instincts devilish. She was loaded to the eyelids with cold +malice. All her history was black with crime; and among her crimes +murder was common. I was most curious to see her; as curious as +I could have been to see Satan. To my surprise she was beautiful; +black thoughts had failed to make her expression repulsive, age +had failed to wrinkle her satin skin or mar its bloomy freshness. +She could have passed for old Uriens' granddaughter, she could +have been mistaken for sister to her own son. + +As soon as we were fairly within the castle gates we were ordered +into her presence. King Uriens was there, a kind-faced old man +with a subdued look; and also the son, Sir Uwaine le Blanchemains, +in whom I was, of course, interested on account of the tradition +that he had once done battle with thirty knights, and also on +account of his trip with Sir Gawaine and Sir Marhaus, which Sandy +had been aging me with. But Morgan was the main attraction, the +conspicuous personality here; she was head chief of this household, +that was plain. She caused us to be seated, and then she began, +with all manner of pretty graces and graciousnesses, to ask me +questions. Dear me, it was like a bird or a flute, or something, +talking. I felt persuaded that this woman must have been +misrepresented, lied about. She trilled along, and trilled along, +and presently a handsome young page, clothed like the rainbow, and +as easy and undulatory of movement as a wave, came with something +on a golden salver, and, kneeling to present it to her, overdid +his graces and lost his balance, and so fell lightly against her +knee. She slipped a dirk into him in as matter-of-course a way as +another person would have harpooned a rat! + +Poor child! he slumped to the floor, twisted his silken limbs in +one great straining contortion of pain, and was dead. Out of the +old king was wrung an involuntary "O-h!" of compassion. The look +he got, made him cut it suddenly short and not put any more hyphens +in it. Sir Uwaine, at a sign from his mother, went to the anteroom +and called some servants, and meanwhile madame went rippling sweetly +along with her talk. + +I saw that she was a good housekeeper, for while she talked she +kept a corner of her eye on the servants to see that they made +no balks in handling the body and getting it out; when they came +with fresh clean towels, she sent back for the other kind; and +when they had finished wiping the floor and were going, she indicated +a crimson fleck the size of a tear which their duller eyes had +overlooked. It was plain to me that La Cote Male Taile had failed +to see the mistress of the house. Often, how louder and clearer +than any tongue, does dumb circumstantial evidence speak. + +Morgan le Fay rippled along as musically as ever. Marvelous woman. +And what a glance she had: when it fell in reproof upon those +servants, they shrunk and quailed as timid people do when the +lightning flashes out of a cloud. I could have got the habit +myself. It was the same with that poor old Brer Uriens; he was +always on the ragged edge of apprehension; she could not even turn +toward him but he winced. + +In the midst of the talk I let drop a complimentary word about +King Arthur, forgetting for the moment how this woman hated her +brother. That one little compliment was enough. She clouded up +like storm; she called for her guards, and said: + +"Hale me these varlets to the dungeons." + +That struck cold on my ears, for her dungeons had a reputation. +Nothing occurred to me to say--or do. But not so with Sandy. +As the guard laid a hand upon me, she piped up with the tranquilest +confidence, and said: + +"God's wounds, dost thou covet destruction, thou maniac? It is +The Boss!" + +Now what a happy idea that was!--and so simple; yet it would never +have occurred to me. I was born modest; not all over, but in spots; +and this was one of the spots. + +The effect upon madame was electrical. It cleared her countenance +and brought back her smiles and all her persuasive graces and +blandishments; but nevertheless she was not able to entirely cover up +with them the fact that she was in a ghastly fright. She said: + +"La, but do list to thine handmaid! as if one gifted with powers +like to mine might say the thing which I have said unto one who +has vanquished Merlin, and not be jesting. By mine enchantments +I foresaw your coming, and by them I knew you when you entered +here. I did but play this little jest with hope to surprise you +into some display of your art, as not doubting you would blast +the guards with occult fires, consuming them to ashes on the spot, +a marvel much beyond mine own ability, yet one which I have long +been childishly curious to see." + +The guards were less curious, and got out as soon as they got permission. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's +Court, Part 3., by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CONNECTICUT YANKEE *** + +***** This file should be named 7244.txt or 7244.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/7/2/4/7244/ + +Produced by David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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