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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7bec70f --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #69793 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/69793) diff --git a/old/69793-0.txt b/old/69793-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index c69b5dd..0000000 --- a/old/69793-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1113 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook of Caught napping, by Anonymous - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you -will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before -using this eBook. - -Title: Caught napping - -Author: Anonymous - -Release Date: January 14, 2023 [eBook #69793] - -Language: English - -Produced by: Charlene Taylor, Bob Taylor and the Online Distributed - Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was - produced from images generously made available by The - Internet Archive/American Libraries.) - -*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAUGHT NAPPING *** - - - - - - Transcriber’s Note - Italic text displayed as: _italic_ - - - - - [Illustration: _Vide p. 21._] - - - - - CAUGHT NAPPING. - - - Third Edition. - - - LONDON: - G. J. PALMER, 32, LITTLE QUEEN STREET, - LINCOLN’S INN FIELDS. - 1866. - - - - - Table of Contents - - Chapter I. 3 - Chapter II. 15 - Chapter III. 23 - - - - - CAUGHT NAPPING. - - - CHAPTER I. - - HOW I FOUND MYSELF IN THE CATACOMBS. - - -I am an Anglican of the Anglicans, I mean that I am τετράγωνος a -Perfect Man, with four angles impinging upon my neighbours and -producing among them many a sore. Whithersoever I go, into whatsoever -society, I take my angles with me. They do much damage, but they -establish the principle of Anglicanism. - -My object in writing these lines is to announce a very remarkable -phenomenon which occurred the other day, and which may prove of -interest to the Psychologist. - -I was sitting in my study before the fire reading the _Guardian_, -which is the 40th article of my creed, with my feet upon the -mantle-piece, and my spectacles upon my nose. Whilst perusing with -the utmost profit and gratification the letters of Messrs. Marriott -and Milton on the Ritual question, an indescribable obfuscation -stole over my faculties. My chin, which, on principle, I keep well -elevated, sank upon my bosom, which is boney. My eyes began to close, -an Æolean note issued at intervals from my nostrils. The _Guardian_ -slipped from my fingers, and to my obscured fancy appeared to slide -away into utter vacuity. The ranges of books upon my shelves seemed -to undergo changes. The library of Anglo-Catholic theology began to -dance, whilst the library of the Fathers retired into vacuum—but not -the same vacuum into which the _Guardian_ had slipped, one totally -distinct. - -These facts will prove my abnormal condition. - -What Anglican, waking or dreaming would picture Sancroft and -Andrews, Bull and Cosin, capering in a reel? I record my impressions -circumstantially, as they led to a very extraordinary phase in my -existence, for which I am totally unable to account. That I dreamt -what follows is simply impossible; the phenomena of dreams depend -entirely upon the existence of imaginative faculties, but these are -entirely deficient in Anglican skulls. What I relate must therefore -be regarded as _fact_; I am unable to account for the fact, but it -is not required of man to understand or to intellectually grasp, in -order to believe, certain facts which come to him on high authority. -The human mind is finite, &c.... (A long passage follows apparently -extracted from a sermon on the limits of reason, and its relation to -faith, preached by our correspondent before a rustic congregation. We -omit the passage as of interest only to the composer of the sermon.) -Suffice it to say, that somehow, in an inappreciable moment of time -I lost the thread of time, and only caught it again after the lapse -of ages. How this was effected is to me inexplicable, I can only -illustrate it by the analogy of a man ascending a slippery height and -sliding back from the summit, to check himself in his rearward career -by catching a shrub near the bottom. Space and time are related, our -appreciations of each are parallel. I checked myself with a jerk -after the lapse of a thousand and odd years in the midst of the times -of persecution. - -I hate persecution. - -I found myself deposited, with all my Anglican principles and -prejudices, in the city of Rome. - -I should have preferred Jericho. - -Suddenly I discovered myself standing candle in hand in the gloom of -a Catacomb. - -The ventilation of the catacombs is most imperfect, and the close -proximity of the dead to the living must be prejudicial to health, -it should be made a matter of investigation by the sanitary -commissioners. - -I traverse the passages with a feeling like lead upon my heart. This -is caused by the consciousness that I am in an age of persecution. -I by no means appreciate a condition in which Church and State do -not work in harmony. If I could have left my mucous membrane in the -nineteenth century I should not have minded; but a sense of discord -between Church and State always agitates my nerves, which react upon -the mucous membrane, and that extends over the whole body. - -On my walk I read the epitaphs inscribed on the monumental slabs. -The spelling on some was shameful. The schools must be in a shocking -state, or no such orthographic blunders would be tolerated, as -“POLLECTA QUE ORDEV BENDET DE BIANOBA.” Some supervision should be -exercised over the day schools. N.B. Speak to authorities about -certificated masters. Recommend Battersea. - -I suddenly drew up before one slab and the colour rose to my cheek -in righteous indignation. On it was inscribed, after the name of -the defunct, “mayest thou rest in peace, and pray for us.” I ask -any candid reader whether an Anglican could contemplate such an -inscription with equanimity! Here was actually in an early age of -the Church, a prayer for, and an invocation of, a departed soul. -This was beyond endurance, I should have at once written to the -Bishop about it, but that I was aware I should obtain no redress, -the practice of prayers for the dead being as old as Christianity. I -felt, moreover, true insular objection to having any communications -whatsoever with such an individual as the Bishop of Rome. I therefore -rambled about the catacombs in search of chisel and hammer, and -having found these implements, I proceeded to deface the inscription. -How many happy hours I could have spent in reducing the teaching -of the catacombs to a closer accordance with the doctrines of -our admirable Liturgy, by scraping off paintings and altering -inscriptions! - -But I was afraid of detection. - -On turning an angle I came upon one of the subterranean chapels or -churches. A congregation was assembled, and to my bewilderment, I -ascertained that my presence was expected as priest. - -I tried to avoid this awkward situation; I objected to compromising -myself, and it was only on mature consideration, and on reflecting -that there was no one present who could convey information to any of -my parishioners, that I yielded. A young man, a deacon in what the -Ritualists call a dalmatic, proceeded to vest me. Some people think -it a duty to do at Rome as the Romans do. I object to such want -of principle, and if I acquiesced on this occasion, it was under -protest. If I go to Rome or Thibet, I shall follow the custom I have -instituted at Grubbington-in-the-Clay, North Devon, diocese Exon. - -Grubbington-in-the-Clay! sweet spot where I always preach in a -surplice and black stole. - -Grubbington-in-the-Clay! a little heaven here below,[1] where I read -the Church Militant every Sunday. - -Grubbington-in-the-Clay! where I have preached the doctrine of -Baptismal Regeneration for fifteen years. - -Grubbington-in-the-Clay! thee no Ritualistic novelties excite, no -approximations to Roman ceremonial agitate! - -But I am becoming poetical.—I have a wife and fourteen children (the -last in arms) at Grubbington, from whom I am severed by a chasm of -1,600 years. - -However, here I am in the subterranean church of the catacombs, being -vested for Ma—— I mean for the Communion. - -I expend a considerable amount of time and much breath in protesting -against these vestments. I object to an alb with tight sleeves and -to a chasuble,—a chasuble! horror!—(N.B. Since my return to this -century, my hair has become grey.) - -At Grubbington-in-the-Clay I wear a surplice with large sleeves -like elephant’s ears, and an erect collar. O, for my surplice, my -surplice! Alas! though I have relapsed through many centuries, that -chaste article of ecclesiastical vesture looms in the remote future. -I can go to it, but it cannot come to me. - -I point out to the deacon a painting upon the wall representing a -man in white with two black stripes descending from his neck, a -painting with which Mr. Marriott’s letter to the _Guardian_ had made -me familiar, and I explain to the deacon that my soul lusts after -a similar garb. He assures me that the picture represents an old -woman, and not a priest. I then plead for at least a black stole -without crosses, but am informed that the Church of Primitive times -knows nothing of these ribands, so that I have to yield my body to be -invested in the sacerdotal stole of the period, and I am forced into -a magnificent chasuble of oriental cloth of gold, the offering of a -wealthy Christian in Cæsar’s household. - -But my griefs are not yet over. The Communion Table is not a table -at all. It has NO LEGS, but is a martyr’s tomb called an arcosolium, -under a recess in the wall, the face of the “altar” being flush -with the side walls, so that every possibility of turning the corner -is precluded. Now, if there is a position in life which to an -Anglican is bliss, it is to be like Chevy Slime, of Martin Chuzzlewit -notoriety, “always round the corner, Sir!” There is a craving in his -inmost soul for the North End, and as the needle points to the pole, -so does the heart of the Anglican turn instinctively to that end of -the table. Clap him down where you will, he sidles up by virtue of an -internal guiding law to the North Side, and his soul only recovers -its balance, and is in joy and peace, when he has safely doubled -the corner. But here I was walled off from it. Now, to be vested in -chasuble was bad enough, but to be debarred from turning the corner -was beyond endurance; the last straw will break a camel’s back, and -on seeing this impediment in my way I became stubborn. I might have -borne the chasuble, as I could have smudged through the service at -the North End according to the use of the Church at Grubbington—a use -incomparably superior to those of Sarum, and York, and Hereford; but -the two items together of vestment and a turning of my back to the -people were too much for me. - -I lay down and kicked. - -At this moment there was a stir, and a foreign ecclesiastic entered. -I now ascertained that the deacon and the congregation had been -actuated by a mistake in endeavouring to make me celebrate. A -Scythian priest was expected, and seeing me stroll into the -subterranean chapel about the time, and perceiving that I was an -utter stranger, they had pounced upon me. - -I was now set at liberty, and, though I strongly disapproved of -non-communicating attendance, I assisted at the celebration of the -Divine Mysteries. - -On account of the subterranean nature of the place, there was, I -suppose, a necessity for the candles which the assistant ministers -bore, and for the lighted lamps upon the altar. I tried to persuade -myself also that the incense was used on account of the stuffiness -of the atmosphere, through the imperfect ventilation of the -catacomb, and the numerous interments which took place there. I -afterwards explained to the deacon, that chloride of lime would -prove more effectual, and that Burnett’s disinfecting fluid was -highly recommended, and that the use of either of these would obviate -the necessity of using thurible and incense-boat, thereby removing -prejudice and cutting off occasion of superstition. The young man -was totally unacquainted with Burnett, which is not to be wondered -at, as that individual will not spring into existence for one -thousand and six hundred and odd years. (I am afraid there is here -an unavoidable confusion in times and tenses, necessitated by my -peculiar circumstances.) - -The deacon assured me solemnly that the Church had ordered the use -of incense, not as a disinfectant but as an offering of adoration, -and that the rule of the Universal Church was enough for him,—which -was impertinent of the young man. (N.B. Curates are evidently alike -in all ages.) His name I ascertain was Laurence. He was afterwards a -martyr. My church at Grubbington is dedicated to him. - -It is to me a matter of unceasing yet unavailing regret that Dr. -Harold Browne was not an Iso-apostolic father, so that the Primitive -Church might have had the benefit of perusing his work on the -Thirty-nine Articles, the standard of nineteenth century Anglicanism. -If this work had been then adopted as a text book of theology, what -a revolution in ideas would have been produced, and I confidently -believe that the number of martyrs would have been materially -diminished. How full of novelty and of gratification it would have -proved to the apostle of the Gentiles to ascertain that his words -were capable of being twisted to establish Anglican theories, and O! -glorious thought! the whole system of worship of the Early Church, -instead of being modelled on the pattern of things in the Heavens, -might have been brought to resemble the sublime simplicity of -Morning and Evening Prayer at, for instance, Grubbington-in-the-Clay. -Probably, moreover, the liturgies of S. Peter, S. James, and S. -Mark, would have been materially modified in their expressions, and -curtailed of much superfluous ceremony. Yet more, am I presumptuous -in suggesting that the performance of the celestial liturgy as viewed -by S. John, would have exhibited a less sacrificial and ceremonial -character, and have been invested with the solemn simplicity and -absence of sensational attractiveness which pervades English -Cathedral worship? - -Thus musing, it flashed across my memory that I had a packet of the -publications of the Anglo-Continental Society in my pocket before my -relapse. I thought that the distribution of these works might prove -of incalculable advantage to the Early Church. I felt for them in my -breast pocket but missed them. It will always be a difficult matter -to transfer publications (however valuable) back over a thousand -years from the date of their issue, still the attempt might be made, -and I strongly urge upon the Society to confine and concentrate its -efforts for the future, on an attempt to convert the Primitive ages -to the principles of the English Reformation. - -The practice of the Early Church in using unleavened bread and the -mixed chalice, in elevating the Host and in reserving the Blessed -Sacrament, cannot be too severely deprecated, whilst to a modern, the -ancient offices present a mighty void which an extensive introduction -of “Dearly Beloveds” alone could fill. - - -FOOTNOTES: - -[1] Minus the lights and incense mentioned in Revelation. - - - - - CHAPTER II. - - MY WALK WITH THE BLESSED LAURENCE. - - -At the conclusion of the service, which to me savoured too strongly -of ritualistic tendencies to be satisfactory, I entered into a long -conversation with some of the Christians present. I explained to -them that I was a priest from Britain, but they were, I found, very -ignorant of the institutions of that favoured isle. Indeed, they -regard me—_me_, the incumbent of Grubbington-in-the-Clay, and one -who has been nominated for a Proctorship in Convocation—_me_ they -regard as a Barbarian. I can afford to overlook such opinion founded -in ignorance, conscious as I am of my superior acquaintance with -the laws of natural phenomena, with the adaptations of science to -the social advantage of mankind, and above all, with the eternal -principles of the English Reformation. Eager to impart true knowledge -to these Roman Christians, I narrated to them the history of the -Established Church. I regret that my success was not equal to my -zeal; this was partly owing to my accent, which had been acquired -in English grammar schools, and which was somewhat remote from -the pronunciation of Latin in Rome 1,600 years ago. Besides I had -to narrate the history backwards from Queen Victoria’s reign to -that of Henry VIII., then to sketch very briefly the history of -pre-Reformation Christianity, dwelling chiefly on corruptions, till -I reached the century in which I then was. The vacant expression -on the countenances of my hearers struck me as resembling that -which I invariably notice in my parishioners when I am preaching at -Grubbington. - -Presently, however, a look of intelligence kindled up one or two -faces, and a whisper passed from one to another relating to me, -the subject of which I could not then conjecture. The eyes of the -faithful now beamed on me with looks of compassion and tenderness, -and I could hear sympathizing sighs and expressions, such as “Poor -fellow!” “He looks cold!” “Released at last!” - -Anxious to escape this attention I turned to go. - -The deacon Laurence, who was a gentleman, though strongly imbued with -the superstition of his times, offered very courteously to conduct -me from the catacombs to my place of residence. I accepted his offer -with profound gratitude, as I had not the remotest conception of -where I was to reside. We traversed the passages for the most part in -silence, occasionally I broke it by exclamations of dissatisfaction -as inscriptions of questionable orthodoxy met my eyes. - -We did not converse much together till we emerged into the light of -day, when I asked where I was to be lodged. - -The deacon replied that the venerable Pope Sextus usually transferred -penitents from their own houses to the mansion of Donatella, where -they could enter into retreat before the expiation of their sentence. - -“Eh!” I exclaimed, opening my eyes very wide. - -“After your long penitence, the Holy Father will doubtless at once -remove the sentence and restore you to the communion of the Faithful.” - -“Eh!” I gasped again in sad bewilderment. - -“It must have been very cold up there,” mused the blessed Laurence: -then after a pause he asked suddenly, “Where is the dog?” - -“What dog?” I enquired; and then aside, “Can he have heard anything -of Ponto, my Newfoundland? Impossible!” - -“Why, the dog who has been with you so many ages.” - -I could only stare. - -“The dumb witness of your crime.” - -“Witness of my crime!” I echoed, with an inward hysterical feeling as -though I wanted to laugh wildly. - -“Yes, of gathering sticks on the Sabbath.” - -“Sticks—Sabbath!” echoed I: “Why, who do you take me for?” - -“The man in the moon, of course,” replied the blessed Laurence -demurely: “I need hardly say that your accent, your manner of -talking, and your eccentricities have convinced me and other -Christians that you can be no other than that celebrated individual, -whose release has at length been effected by the prayers of the -faithful, and who has come now to Rome to obtain absolution at the -hands of the Bishop.” - -“I see,” said I, “I have not made myself sufficiently intelligible,” -and I then proceeded to explain who and what I was, and where -Grubbington-in-the-Clay was situated. After a great deal of talking -I succeeded in making all clear, and the deacon then manifested -great interest in the state of the Church in the remote province -of Britain. He was anxious to know to what extent the persecutions -raged there. I explained that it had greatly abated,—the only -instance I could recall was a circumstance attributable rather -to mischievousness than to malice—it was as follows:—Betsy Jane, -that is my wife, has a favourite donkey on which she occasionally -perambulates the parish, carrying the baby with her. A bad miller’s -boy one day shortly before my lapse, put a bunch of sting-nettles -under the brute’s tail. Neddy kicked frantically, as might have been -expected, and precipitated Betsy Jane and the baby over his head. -Providentially neither were hurt, though Jane’s gown was so torn as -to necessitate the purchase of a new one. - -Laurence then enquired whether the Christians were able to assemble -for the celebration of the Divine Mysteries in sacred buildings -without interference. I said in reply that no impediment was placed -in the way of the public recital of “Dearly Beloved,” or the -attendance of the faithful on the administration of their clergy. - -His enquiries were next directed to the subject of the clergy. - -“Were the priests holy and blameless in life?” - -“Capital fellows, never better!” then after a pause, “A little -hot-headed and rash perhaps, here and there,” alluding mentally to -the advanced ritualists. - -“Given to hospitality?” - -“Very much so, no end of croquet parties in the summer.” - -“Devoted to fasting?” - -“Well, ahem! not much; but the fact of the climate of England must -be taken into consideration, and the delicacy of digestion prevalent -among the clergy.” - -“Eminent in good works?” - -“Very much so, very,—there’s Betsy Jane (my wife) who is indefatigable -in visiting the poor and in attending the schools.” - -“How many Bishops are there in Britain?” - -“Twenty-eight, besides a few stragglers from the colonies come home -to beg, or who have relinquished their sees to take Simeonite-trust -livings.” - -“You seemed not to understand the sacerdotal vestments,” said -Laurence, “have you no distinguishing marks of a priest in your -remote land?” - -“Distinguishing marks. Oh, of course!” - -“What may they be?” he asked. - -“Why, let me see—collars.” - -“Yes.” - -“Whiskers.” - -“Yes.” - -“Well, and then the regular sacerdotal apparel of bands, and cassock, -and surplice, and stole, and hood, and all that sort of thing.” - -“And the Bishops?” - -“Ah!” I exclaimed, “You should see an Anglican Bishop in full -vestments! That is a sight not to be forgotten. I regard the Anglican -episcopal costume to be the neatest thing out in ecclesiastical -vesture. The view of a Bishop from behind is quite overwhelming. -Stay! a bit of chalk, and a stick of charcoal—I will sketch him for -you on this wall!” Fired with enthusiasm, I proceeded to delineate -to the best of my abilities a member of the episcopal bench as -viewed from the rear. Not being a good draughtsman my sketch was not -artistically perfect, I was unable to foreshorten the feet, and I -made the lawn sleeves look rather like balloons. - -Suddenly a pair of hands were placed upon my shoulders and I was -roughly swung round. I found myself surrounded by a patrol of -soldiers. - -“Carry him off,” said the leader of the guard, “he is a Christian -necromancer; we have caught him in the act of drawing a magpie on -the wall of Cæsar’s palace—a bird of ill omen—to bring ruin by his -magical arts, on the house of the Augustus.” - -“It is an Anglican prelate,” said I, quaking. - -“It’s uncommonly like a magpie,” replied the soldier: “march him off -to the prefect.” - -Laurence, as he brushed by me, said aside, - -“Oh, my father! a bottle of your blood shall be sent to your -faithful flock at, What’s the name of the place?” - -“Bother!” growled I. - -As we turned a corner of the street, the roaring of the lions in the -distant Flavian amphitheatre was borne down on my ear. - -A passing Christian exclaimed: - - “The trumpet notes which sound to victory!” - -Oh, Betsy Jane, Betsy Jane! And the dear children! And the baby! What -on earth shall I do? - - - - - CHAPTER III. - - HOW I STOOD BEFORE THE PREFECT. - - -I have never succeeded in adequately describing to Betsy Jane my -feelings under escort to bonds and imprisonment, and perhaps worse; -and if I failed in making the wife of my bosom appreciate the -horrible anxiety under which I laboured during that walk, I must -necessarily fail with the public. Not of course that I was alarmed on -my own account, but I felt for my wife and family, and I was all of a -tremble for Grubbington parish. Mrs. Starch, I mean Betsy Jane, has, -since my return to the 19th century, insisted on my insuring my life. -Perhaps had I been at the period of my lapse well insured, I could -have faced the tribunal with greater equanimity. I put it plainly to -myself,—here I am about to be judged, and perhaps sentenced to suffer -excruciating agonies, in behalf of a Christianity which is not at -all of my sort, or according to my liking. I am to be, possibly, -gutted alive, or impaled, or fried like a herring, or flayed, -and rubbed over with pepper and salt,—my nerves being unusually -sensitive—all because I am supposed to be a member of a religious -community which prays for the dead, uses superstitious ceremonial -in the celebration of sacraments, and does not know anything of the -principles of the Reformation! Am I prepared to undergo frightful -tortures in witness to a faith which tolerates incense, lights, and -vestments! Am I to relinquish for ever the prospects of croquet, -archery, and other like clerical diversions, by submitting to the -rack on behalf of a lot of Christians whose allegiance to the State -is more than questionable? Suppose I am gutted, or impaled, or thrown -to lions, or roasted on a gridiron, or burned in a tar barrel, what -then? - -My bones or ashes will be collected, and “deposited in peace” in -some vault of the catacombs; I shall be a saint, not the Rev. Edward -Starch, but S. Edward, P. and M. My remains will be venerated by -ignorant crowds of devotees. To these legs of mine will be given -idolatrous worship, and a future Pope will, probably, send the -severed joints of my backbone to be enshrined in gold in various -Roman Catholic Churches in Christendom. My collar-bone may be -encrusted in jewels at Toledo, my ganglions in Cracow. My little toes -may be borne about by coped ecclesiastics in Austrian processions, -and the exposition of my big toes may be the means of preventing a -plague in Algiers. Now I may fairly ask myself am I justified in thus -affording additional opportunities for the extension of superstition? - -If I could be quite certain that my relics would be disposed of in an -Anglican manner, say, sent to the British Museum, why then the case -would be altered. Or again, if I could be tried upon the principles -of the Anglican Liturgy and the Thirty-nine Articles, cheerfully -would I die, but for a religion which must be abhorrent to all -readers of the _Times_, or the _Pall Mall_, or the _Guardian_, in as -much as it closely resembles that of the 19th century ritualistic -school:— - - NEVER! - -In arriving at this conclusion I suppose I lagged a bit, for one of -my escort with his lance from behind progged me in a fleshy part, -to make me walk a little quicker. I threatened him with law, but he -laughed. Laughed at being threatened with law! In what a benighted -condition Rome must be. - -We reached the court, and I was at once brought before the prefect, -who happened to be then sitting. He had just disposed of a Roman -Christian or two. One he had ordered to be smeared with honey and -exposed to wasps and bees; another he had condemned to be hamstrung, -a third to be hugged to death by a bear. An ugly prospect for my poor -self—not that I considered self one moment, but I did feel keenly for -my poor wife, whose feelings would be harrowed should she read the -acts of my martyrdom in Ruinart. - -“Sirrah!” exclaimed the prefect, darting at me a malignant glance. -“Who are you? Another Christian dog, eh?” - -I pulled up my shirt collar, and after a premonitory cough, replied -with dignity and composure, “Illustrious Sir, allow me briefly and -lucidly to explain to you the peculiar circumstances which have -brought me into this predicament.” - -“Are you a Roman?” asked the judge in a surly manner. - -“No, my Lord, I am an Englishman, parson of Grubbington-in-the-Clay.” - -“Humph! I suppose you are a Christian.” - -“Christian is a broad term,” I replied, “and may mean anything. A -Protestant and consistent Anglican I am, but I utterly repudiate all -connexion with the Roman Church which I stoutly maintain, in the -language of our incomparable Thirty-nine Articles, to have erred, not -only in their living and manner of ceremonies, but also in matters -of faith. I regard too, the Romish doctrine concerning purgatory, -pardons, worshipping and adoration of images, as of reliques, and -also invocation of saints, to be a fond thing vainly invented, and -grounded upon no warranty of Scripture, but rather repugnant to the -word of God. I do most stoutly maintain this, and show me the member -of this Church who can stand against me in argument.” - -The prefect looked at me with a puzzled air, and then asked what I -did believe. - -“I believe that Bishops, priests, and deacons, are not commanded -either to vow the estate of single life, or to abstain from marriage: -and therefore that it is lawful for them, as for all other men, to -marry at their own discretion. I may add, that my wife entirely -agrees with me on this point.” - -The prefect uttered an insulting remark with regard to my -intellectual capabilities. - -“Are you a Christian?” he asked. - -I allowed that I was, “but”——. He cut me short as I was about to -qualify the remark on the apostolic principle of being all things to -all men, and not causing my brother to offend, and asked whether I -would swear by the genius of the Emperor. - -“By all means,” I replied, “the powers that be—you know the rest; -well, in Grubbington I have got a lion and unicorn over the chancel -arch. I have the utmost reverence for secular authority, and the -blindest devotion to the Crown.” - -“Have you any of the sacred writings in your possession?” - -I felt in my numerous pockets; I had failed before in my endeavour to -discover a certain publication of the Anglo-Continental Society, in -my breast pocket, I now explored one of the receptacles in the tail -of my coat. Yes! I came on a packet of the tracts of that society, -in Latin. I handed them at once to the prefect, who ordered his -secretary to take them. - -“And,” continued he, addressing the executioner, “look out your -apparatus of torture, Maximus. Here is a man who seems to be neither -fish, nor flesh, nor fowl: he should have some special cooking.” - -“My Lord, shall I roast him?” - -“No, good Maximus, roasting is out of fashion.” - -“Shall I boil him?” - -“That is common-place.” - -“Fry him, my Lord?” - -“No, let us have some novelty; monotony is tedious.” - -“The little horse, the red hot pincers, the thumb screws, the leaded -whips, are all stale,” mused the executioner, biting his thumb-nails -and looking dumped. Presently, however, a ray of light illumined his -face: “My Lord!” he said, looking up cheerfully, “it is an ancient -tradition in the family of my mother, who came from a remote island -of the northern seas, called Hibernia, that two cats were once shut -up in a chamber at Kilkennœa, and they fought and fought till they -had eaten each other all but the tails. My Lord, the prisoner seems -to regard the Roman Christians with an antipathy similar to that -recorded of the Kilkennœan cats, and this antipathy I presume is -reciprocated. Will it please your worship to order the confinement, -in an iron cage, of the deacon Laurence with this Britannic mongrel -Christian. I confidently anticipate great entertainment to your -Lordship, and I am satisfied that if you will condescend to inspect -the cage to-morrow morning, nothing of the several parties will be -discovered except the _os sacrum_ of each, which your Lordship is -well aware, takes that place in man which, in the inferior order of -mammals, is occupied by the tail.” - -“Capital!” exclaimed the judge, “and whilst Maximus is looking up the -cage, and whilst the soldiers go in search of the deacon Laurence, -Servius, do you read the pernicious writings which the prisoner has -delivered over to us, and which the Christians regard with reverence.” - -The secretary began to read; my eyes wandered about the court, -lighting on this and then on that instrument of torture. I saw a fire -of charcoal with pincers in it quite red hot, and my flesh quivered. -I saw a press under which Christians were sometimes flattened like -pancakes. I saw barbed hooks for inserting into the muscles, wooden -saws discoloured with blood, which had cut men in two. Indeed, I saw -more than I dare describe. When I attempted to go into the details -of what I beheld to my wife, she said “Now, don’t dear,” and I will -refrain from doing so here, relying upon her superior judgment. - -Whilst I was examining all these horrible implements, the scribe -read on in a monotonous voice the stirring words of one of the most -pugnacious of the Anglo-Continental tracts. I now turned my gaze -upon the audience, who had taken a cruel interest in the scenes of -the court, and who were quite prepared to witness with relish the -anticipated fight between Laurence and myself. My eyes lingered first -on one and then on another. I soon observed their eyelids drooping, -and a blank expression stealing over their faces. Still the scribe -Servius read the bold statement of Anglican principles. - -In the corner I observed the bear which had hugged one Christian to -death that morning, chained to a post. During the greater part of my -trial, the brute had extended its arms in an endearing manner towards -myself, and had been wagging its stump of a tail in the anticipation -of giving me a warm embrace. The bear now coiled itself up on the -floor, and went fast asleep. I now looked at the prefect. His eyes -were closed. Evidently the publication of the Anglo-Continental -Society had made a profound impression upon him. Yes! but of a kind -I had not anticipated. He, too, was asleep. I heard him snore. The -scribe’s voice began to falter, the sentences became broken. He went -to sleep also. I glanced round the court. Every one was enjoying the -repose which is brought on upon so many by a dose of laudanum, or a -perusal of the leading articles of the _Guardian_. - -I seized the opportunity and stepped lightly out of the court. The -guards at the door were vigorously trumpeting through their noses; on -them too had the Anglo-Continental tract produced this happy effect. -In another moment I was in the street—I was free: I gave a whoop of -exultation, and— - - WOKE UP IN MY STUDY. - - - - - Transcriber’s Notes - - Created Table of Contents - pg 13 Changed am I presumptuous is to: in - pg 20 Added the word who after: there’s Betsy Jane (my wife) - pg 21 Added comma after: said aside - pg 24 Changed period after: is more than questionable to: - a question mark - pg 29 Changed an antipathy similiar to: similar - pg 29 Removed repeated word: in the the inferior - -*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAUGHT NAPPING *** - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the -United States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online -at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you -are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the -country where you are located before using this eBook. -</div> - -<p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: Caught napping</p> -<p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: Anonymous</p> -<p style='display:block; text-indent:0; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: January 14, 2023 [eBook #69793]</p> -<p style='display:block; text-indent:0; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</p> - <p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em; text-align:left'>Produced by: Charlene Taylor, Bob Taylor and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.)</p> -<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAUGHT NAPPING ***</div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 35%"> -<img src="images/cover.jpg" alt="Cover"> -</div> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp66" id="frontis" style="max-width: 35em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/frontis.jpg" alt=""> - <div class="caption"><p class="center">Vide p. <a href="#Page_21">21.</a></p></div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</span> - -<div class="chapter"> - -<h1>CAUGHT NAPPING.</h1> -<br> -<br> -<hr class="r30"> -<p class="center">Third Edition.</p> -<br> -<br> -<p class="center fs120">LONDON:<br> -G. J. PALMER, 32, LITTLE QUEEN STREET,</p> -<p class="center fs80">LINCOLN’S INN FIELDS.</p> -<p class="center">1866.</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> -<h2 class="nobreak" id="Table_of_Contents">Table of Contents</h2> -</div> - -<table class="autotable"> -<tr> -<td class="tdl">Chapter I.</td> -<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_3">3</a></td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl">Chapter II.</td> -<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_15">15</a></td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl">Chapter III.</td> -<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_23">23</a></td> -</tr> -</table> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</span></p> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p class="center fs150">CAUGHT NAPPING.</p> -</div> - - -<hr class="r30"> - -<div class="chapter"> -<h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_I">CHAPTER I.</h2> -</div> - -<p class="center">HOW I FOUND MYSELF IN THE CATACOMBS.</p> - - -<p>I am an Anglican of the Anglicans, I mean that I -am τετράγωνος a Perfect Man, with four angles impinging -upon my neighbours and producing among -them many a sore. Whithersoever I go, into -whatsoever society, I take my angles with me. -They do much damage, but they establish the -principle of Anglicanism.</p> - -<p>My object in writing these lines is to announce -a very remarkable phenomenon which occurred the -other day, and which may prove of interest to the -Psychologist.</p> - -<p>I was sitting in my study before the fire reading -the <cite>Guardian</cite>, which is the 40th article of my<span class="pagenum" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</span> -creed, with my feet upon the mantle-piece, and my -spectacles upon my nose. Whilst perusing with -the utmost profit and gratification the letters of -Messrs. Marriott and Milton on the Ritual question, -an indescribable obfuscation stole over my faculties. -My chin, which, on principle, I keep well elevated, -sank upon my bosom, which is boney. My eyes -began to close, an Æolean note issued at intervals -from my nostrils. The <cite>Guardian</cite> slipped from my -fingers, and to my obscured fancy appeared to slide -away into utter vacuity. The ranges of books -upon my shelves seemed to undergo changes. The -library of Anglo-Catholic theology began to dance, -whilst the library of the Fathers retired into -vacuum—but not the same vacuum into which the -<cite>Guardian</cite> had slipped, one totally distinct.</p> - -<p>These facts will prove my abnormal condition.</p> - -<p>What Anglican, waking or dreaming would -picture Sancroft and Andrews, Bull and Cosin, -capering in a reel? I record my impressions circumstantially, -as they led to a very extraordinary -phase in my existence, for which I am totally -unable to account. That I dreamt what follows is -simply impossible; the phenomena of dreams -depend entirely upon the existence of imaginative -faculties, but these are entirely deficient in Anglican -skulls. What I relate must therefore be regarded -as <em>fact</em>; I am unable to account for the fact, but it<span class="pagenum" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</span> -is not required of man to understand or to intellectually -grasp, in order to believe, certain facts -which come to him on high authority. The human -mind is finite, &c.... (A long passage follows -apparently extracted from a sermon on the -limits of reason, and its relation to faith, preached -by our correspondent before a rustic congregation. -We omit the passage as of interest only to the -composer of the sermon.) Suffice it to say, that -somehow, in an inappreciable moment of time I -lost the thread of time, and only caught it again -after the lapse of ages. How this was effected is -to me inexplicable, I can only illustrate it by the -analogy of a man ascending a slippery height and -sliding back from the summit, to check himself in -his rearward career by catching a shrub near the -bottom. Space and time are related, our appreciations -of each are parallel. I checked myself with -a jerk after the lapse of a thousand and odd years -in the midst of the times of persecution.</p> - -<p>I hate persecution.</p> - -<p>I found myself deposited, with all my Anglican -principles and prejudices, in the city of Rome.</p> - -<p>I should have preferred Jericho.</p> - -<p>Suddenly I discovered myself standing candle in -hand in the gloom of a Catacomb.</p> - -<p>The ventilation of the catacombs is most imperfect, -and the close proximity of the dead to the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</span> -living must be prejudicial to health, it should be -made a matter of investigation by the sanitary -commissioners.</p> - -<p>I traverse the passages with a feeling like lead -upon my heart. This is caused by the consciousness -that I am in an age of persecution. I by no -means appreciate a condition in which Church and -State do not work in harmony. If I could have -left my mucous membrane in the nineteenth century -I should not have minded; but a sense of -discord between Church and State always agitates -my nerves, which react upon the mucous membrane, -and that extends over the whole body.</p> - -<p>On my walk I read the epitaphs inscribed on -the monumental slabs. The spelling on some was -shameful. The schools must be in a shocking -state, or no such orthographic blunders would be -tolerated, as “<span class="smcap">Pollecta que ordev bendet de -bianoba</span>.” Some supervision should be exercised -over the day schools. N.B. Speak to authorities -about certificated masters. Recommend Battersea.</p> - -<p>I suddenly drew up before one slab and the colour -rose to my cheek in righteous indignation. On it -was inscribed, after the name of the defunct, -“mayest thou rest in peace, and pray for us.” I -ask any candid reader whether an Anglican could -contemplate such an inscription with equanimity! -Here was actually in an early age of the Church, a<span class="pagenum" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</span> -prayer for, and an invocation of, a departed soul. -This was beyond endurance, I should have at once -written to the Bishop about it, but that I was -aware I should obtain no redress, the practice of -prayers for the dead being as old as Christianity. -I felt, moreover, true insular objection to having -any communications whatsoever with such an individual -as the Bishop of Rome. I therefore rambled -about the catacombs in search of chisel and hammer, -and having found these implements, I proceeded to -deface the inscription. How many happy hours I -could have spent in reducing the teaching of the -catacombs to a closer accordance with the doctrines -of our admirable Liturgy, by scraping off paintings -and altering inscriptions!</p> - -<p>But I was afraid of detection.</p> - -<p>On turning an angle I came upon one of the -subterranean chapels or churches. A congregation -was assembled, and to my bewilderment, I ascertained -that my presence was expected as priest.</p> - -<p>I tried to avoid this awkward situation; I objected -to compromising myself, and it was only on -mature consideration, and on reflecting that there -was no one present who could convey information -to any of my parishioners, that I yielded. A young -man, a deacon in what the Ritualists call a dalmatic, -proceeded to vest me. Some people think -it a duty to do at Rome as the Romans do. I<span class="pagenum" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</span> -object to such want of principle, and if I acquiesced -on this occasion, it was under protest. If I go to -Rome or Thibet, I shall follow the custom I have -instituted at Grubbington-in-the-Clay, North Devon, -diocese Exon.</p> - -<p>Grubbington-in-the-Clay! sweet spot where I -always preach in a surplice and black stole.</p> - -<p>Grubbington-in-the-Clay! a little heaven here -below,<a id="FNanchor_1" href="#Footnote_1" class="fnanchor">[1]</a> where I read the Church Militant every -Sunday.</p> - -<p>Grubbington-in-the-Clay! where I have preached -the doctrine of Baptismal Regeneration for fifteen -years.</p> - -<p>Grubbington-in-the-Clay! thee no Ritualistic -novelties excite, no approximations to Roman -ceremonial agitate!</p> - -<p>But I am becoming poetical.—I have a wife -and fourteen children (the last in arms) at Grubbington, -from whom I am severed by a chasm of -1,600 years.</p> - -<p>However, here I am in the subterranean church -of the catacombs, being vested for Ma—— I mean -for the Communion.</p> - -<p>I expend a considerable amount of time and -much breath in protesting against these vestments. -I object to an alb with tight sleeves and to a -<span class="pagenum" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</span>chasuble,—a chasuble! horror!—(N.B. Since my -return to this century, my hair has become grey.)</p> - -<p>At Grubbington-in-the-Clay I wear a surplice -with large sleeves like elephant’s ears, and an erect -collar. O, for my surplice, my surplice! Alas! -though I have relapsed through many centuries, -that chaste article of ecclesiastical vesture looms in -the remote future. I can go to it, but it cannot -come to me.</p> - -<p>I point out to the deacon a painting upon the -wall representing a man in white with two black -stripes descending from his neck, a painting with -which Mr. Marriott’s letter to the <cite>Guardian</cite> had -made me familiar, and I explain to the deacon that -my soul lusts after a similar garb. He assures me -that the picture represents an old woman, and not -a priest. I then plead for at least a black stole -without crosses, but am informed that the Church -of Primitive times knows nothing of these ribands, -so that I have to yield my body to be invested in -the sacerdotal stole of the period, and I am forced -into a magnificent chasuble of oriental cloth of -gold, the offering of a wealthy Christian in Cæsar’s -household.</p> - -<p>But my griefs are not yet over. The Communion -Table is not a table at all. It has <span class="allsmcap">NO LEGS</span>, -but is a martyr’s tomb called an arcosolium, under -a recess in the wall, the face of the “altar” being<span class="pagenum" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</span> -flush with the side walls, so that every possibility -of turning the corner is precluded. Now, if there -is a position in life which to an Anglican is bliss, it -is to be like Chevy Slime, of Martin Chuzzlewit -notoriety, “always round the corner, Sir!” There -is a craving in his inmost soul for the North End, -and as the needle points to the pole, so does the -heart of the Anglican turn instinctively to that end -of the table. Clap him down where you will, he -sidles up by virtue of an internal guiding law to -the North Side, and his soul only recovers its -balance, and is in joy and peace, when he has -safely doubled the corner. But here I was walled -off from it. Now, to be vested in chasuble was bad -enough, but to be debarred from turning the corner -was beyond endurance; the last straw will break -a camel’s back, and on seeing this impediment in -my way I became stubborn. I might have borne -the chasuble, as I could have smudged through the -service at the North End according to the use of -the Church at Grubbington—a use incomparably -superior to those of Sarum, and York, and Hereford; -but the two items together of vestment and -a turning of my back to the people were too much -for me.</p> - -<p>I lay down and kicked.</p> - -<p>At this moment there was a stir, and a foreign -ecclesiastic entered. I now ascertained that the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</span> -deacon and the congregation had been actuated by a -mistake in endeavouring to make me celebrate. A -Scythian priest was expected, and seeing me stroll -into the subterranean chapel about the time, and -perceiving that I was an utter stranger, they had -pounced upon me.</p> - -<p>I was now set at liberty, and, though I strongly -disapproved of non-communicating attendance, I -assisted at the celebration of the Divine Mysteries.</p> - -<p>On account of the subterranean nature of the -place, there was, I suppose, a necessity for the candles -which the assistant ministers bore, and for the -lighted lamps upon the altar. I tried to persuade -myself also that the incense was used on account -of the stuffiness of the atmosphere, through the -imperfect ventilation of the catacomb, and the -numerous interments which took place there. I -afterwards explained to the deacon, that chloride of -lime would prove more effectual, and that Burnett’s -disinfecting fluid was highly recommended, -and that the use of either of these would obviate -the necessity of using thurible and incense-boat, -thereby removing prejudice and cutting off occasion -of superstition. The young man was totally unacquainted -with Burnett, which is not to be -wondered at, as that individual will not spring into -existence for one thousand and six hundred and -odd years. (I am afraid there is here an unavoidable<span class="pagenum" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</span> -confusion in times and tenses, necessitated by -my peculiar circumstances.)</p> - -<p>The deacon assured me solemnly that the Church -had ordered the use of incense, not as a disinfectant -but as an offering of adoration, and that the -rule of the Universal Church was enough for him,—which -was impertinent of the young man. -(N.B. Curates are evidently alike in all ages.) -His name I ascertain was Laurence. He was -afterwards a martyr. My church at Grubbington -is dedicated to him.</p> - -<p>It is to me a matter of unceasing yet unavailing -regret that Dr. Harold Browne was not an Iso-apostolic -father, so that the Primitive Church might -have had the benefit of perusing his work on the -Thirty-nine Articles, the standard of nineteenth -century Anglicanism. If this work had been then -adopted as a text book of theology, what a revolution -in ideas would have been produced, and I confidently -believe that the number of martyrs would -have been materially diminished. How full of -novelty and of gratification it would have proved -to the apostle of the Gentiles to ascertain that his -words were capable of being twisted to establish -Anglican theories, and O! glorious thought! the -whole system of worship of the Early Church, -instead of being modelled on the pattern of things -in the Heavens, might have been brought to resemble<span class="pagenum" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</span> -the sublime simplicity of Morning and -Evening Prayer at, for instance, Grubbington-in-the-Clay. -Probably, moreover, the liturgies of S. -Peter, S. James, and S. Mark, would have been -materially modified in their expressions, and curtailed -of much superfluous ceremony. Yet more, -am I presumptuous in suggesting that the performance -of the celestial liturgy as viewed by S. -John, would have exhibited a less sacrificial and -ceremonial character, and have been invested with -the solemn simplicity and absence of sensational -attractiveness which pervades English Cathedral -worship?</p> - -<p>Thus musing, it flashed across my memory that I -had a packet of the publications of the Anglo-Continental -Society in my pocket before my relapse. -I thought that the distribution of these works -might prove of incalculable advantage to the Early -Church. I felt for them in my breast pocket but -missed them. It will always be a difficult matter -to transfer publications (however valuable) back -over a thousand years from the date of their issue, -still the attempt might be made, and I strongly -urge upon the Society to confine and concentrate -its efforts for the future, on an attempt to convert -the Primitive ages to the principles of the English -Reformation.</p> - -<p>The practice of the Early Church in using unleavened<span class="pagenum" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</span> -bread and the mixed chalice, in elevating -the Host and in reserving the Blessed Sacrament, -cannot be too severely deprecated, whilst to a -modern, the ancient offices present a mighty void -which an extensive introduction of “Dearly -Beloveds” alone could fill.</p> - - -<div class="footnotes"><h3>FOOTNOTES:</h3> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a id="Footnote_1" href="#FNanchor_1" class="label">[1]</a> Minus the lights and incense mentioned in Revelation.</p> - -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</span></p> -<h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_II">CHAPTER II.</h2> -</div> - -<p class="center">MY WALK WITH THE BLESSED LAURENCE.</p> - - -<p>At the conclusion of the service, which to me -savoured too strongly of ritualistic tendencies to be -satisfactory, I entered into a long conversation with -some of the Christians present. I explained to -them that I was a priest from Britain, but they -were, I found, very ignorant of the institutions of -that favoured isle. Indeed, they regard me—<em>me</em>, -the incumbent of Grubbington-in-the-Clay, and -one who has been nominated for a Proctorship in -Convocation—<em>me</em> they regard as a Barbarian. I -can afford to overlook such opinion founded in -ignorance, conscious as I am of my superior -acquaintance with the laws of natural phenomena, -with the adaptations of science to the social advantage -of mankind, and above all, with the eternal<span class="pagenum" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</span> -principles of the English Reformation. Eager to -impart true knowledge to these Roman Christians, -I narrated to them the history of the Established -Church. I regret that my success was not equal -to my zeal; this was partly owing to my accent, -which had been acquired in English grammar -schools, and which was somewhat remote from the -pronunciation of Latin in Rome 1,600 years ago. -Besides I had to narrate the history backwards -from Queen Victoria’s reign to that of Henry VIII., -then to sketch very briefly the history of pre-Reformation -Christianity, dwelling chiefly on corruptions, -till I reached the century in which I then -was. The vacant expression on the countenances -of my hearers struck me as resembling that which -I invariably notice in my parishioners when I am -preaching at Grubbington.</p> - -<p>Presently, however, a look of intelligence kindled -up one or two faces, and a whisper passed from one -to another relating to me, the subject of which I -could not then conjecture. The eyes of the faithful -now beamed on me with looks of compassion -and tenderness, and I could hear sympathizing -sighs and expressions, such as “Poor fellow!” -“He looks cold!” “Released at last!”</p> - -<p>Anxious to escape this attention I turned to go.</p> - -<p>The deacon Laurence, who was a gentleman, -though strongly imbued with the superstition of his<span class="pagenum" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</span> -times, offered very courteously to conduct me from -the catacombs to my place of residence. I accepted -his offer with profound gratitude, as I had not the -remotest conception of where I was to reside. We -traversed the passages for the most part in silence, -occasionally I broke it by exclamations of dissatisfaction -as inscriptions of questionable orthodoxy -met my eyes.</p> - -<p>We did not converse much together till we -emerged into the light of day, when I asked where -I was to be lodged.</p> - -<p>The deacon replied that the venerable Pope -Sextus usually transferred penitents from their own -houses to the mansion of Donatella, where they -could enter into retreat before the expiation of their -sentence.</p> - -<p>“Eh!” I exclaimed, opening my eyes very -wide.</p> - -<p>“After your long penitence, the Holy Father -will doubtless at once remove the sentence and -restore you to the communion of the Faithful.”</p> - -<p>“Eh!” I gasped again in sad bewilderment.</p> - -<p>“It must have been very cold up there,” mused -the blessed Laurence: then after a pause he asked -suddenly, “Where is the dog?”</p> - -<p>“What dog?” I enquired; and then aside, “Can -he have heard anything of Ponto, my Newfoundland? -Impossible!”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</span></p> - -<p>“Why, the dog who has been with you so many -ages.”</p> - -<p>I could only stare.</p> - -<p>“The dumb witness of your crime.”</p> - -<p>“Witness of my crime!” I echoed, with an -inward hysterical feeling as though I wanted to -laugh wildly.</p> - -<p>“Yes, of gathering sticks on the Sabbath.”</p> - -<p>“Sticks—Sabbath!” echoed I: “Why, who do -you take me for?”</p> - -<p>“The man in the moon, of course,” replied the -blessed Laurence demurely: “I need hardly say -that your accent, your manner of talking, and your -eccentricities have convinced me and other Christians -that you can be no other than that celebrated -individual, whose release has at length been effected -by the prayers of the faithful, and who has come -now to Rome to obtain absolution at the hands of -the Bishop.”</p> - -<p>“I see,” said I, “I have not made myself sufficiently -intelligible,” and I then proceeded to explain -who and what I was, and where Grubbington-in-the-Clay -was situated. After a great deal of -talking I succeeded in making all clear, and the -deacon then manifested great interest in the state -of the Church in the remote province of Britain. -He was anxious to know to what extent the persecutions -raged there. I explained that it had greatly<span class="pagenum" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</span> -abated,—the only instance I could recall was a -circumstance attributable rather to mischievousness -than to malice—it was as follows:—Betsy Jane, -that is my wife, has a favourite donkey on which -she occasionally perambulates the parish, carrying -the baby with her. A bad miller’s boy one day -shortly before my lapse, put a bunch of sting-nettles -under the brute’s tail. Neddy kicked frantically, -as might have been expected, and precipitated -Betsy Jane and the baby over his head. Providentially -neither were hurt, though Jane’s gown -was so torn as to necessitate the purchase of a new -one.</p> - -<p>Laurence then enquired whether the Christians -were able to assemble for the celebration of the -Divine Mysteries in sacred buildings without interference. -I said in reply that no impediment was -placed in the way of the public recital of “Dearly -Beloved,” or the attendance of the faithful on the -administration of their clergy.</p> - -<p>His enquiries were next directed to the subject -of the clergy.</p> - -<p>“Were the priests holy and blameless in life?”</p> - -<p>“Capital fellows, never better!” then after a -pause, “A little hot-headed and rash perhaps, here -and there,” alluding mentally to the advanced -ritualists.</p> - -<p>“Given to hospitality?”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</span></p> - -<p>“Very much so, no end of croquet parties in the -summer.”</p> - -<p>“Devoted to fasting?”</p> - -<p>“Well, ahem! not much; but the fact of the -climate of England must be taken into consideration, -and the delicacy of digestion prevalent among -the clergy.”</p> - -<p>“Eminent in good works?”</p> - -<p>“Very much so, very,—there’s Betsy Jane (my -wife) who is indefatigable in visiting the poor and in -attending the schools.”</p> - -<p>“How many Bishops are there in Britain?”</p> - -<p>“Twenty-eight, besides a few stragglers from -the colonies come home to beg, or who have relinquished -their sees to take Simeonite-trust livings.”</p> - -<p>“You seemed not to understand the sacerdotal -vestments,” said Laurence, “have you no distinguishing -marks of a priest in your remote -land?”</p> - -<p>“Distinguishing marks. Oh, of course!”</p> - -<p>“What may they be?” he asked.</p> - -<p>“Why, let me see—collars.”</p> - -<p>“Yes.”</p> - -<p>“Whiskers.”</p> - -<p>“Yes.”</p> - -<p>“Well, and then the regular sacerdotal apparel -of bands, and cassock, and surplice, and stole, and -hood, and all that sort of thing.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</span></p> - -<p>“And the Bishops?”</p> - -<p>“Ah!” I exclaimed, “You should see an -Anglican Bishop in full vestments! That is a -sight not to be forgotten. I regard the Anglican -episcopal costume to be the neatest thing out in -ecclesiastical vesture. The view of a Bishop from -behind is quite overwhelming. Stay! a bit of -chalk, and a stick of charcoal—I will sketch him -for you on this wall!” Fired with enthusiasm, I -proceeded to delineate to the best of my abilities a -member of the episcopal bench as viewed from the -rear. Not being a good draughtsman my sketch -was not artistically perfect, I was unable to foreshorten -the feet, and I made the lawn sleeves look -rather like balloons.</p> - -<p>Suddenly a pair of hands were placed upon my -shoulders and I was roughly swung round. I found -myself surrounded by a patrol of soldiers.</p> - -<p>“Carry him off,” said the leader of the guard, -“he is a Christian necromancer; we have caught -him in the act of drawing a magpie on the wall of -Cæsar’s palace—a bird of ill omen—to bring ruin -by his magical arts, on the house of the Augustus.”</p> - -<p>“It is an Anglican prelate,” said I, quaking.</p> - -<p>“It’s uncommonly like a magpie,” replied the -soldier: “march him off to the prefect.”</p> - -<p>Laurence, as he brushed by me, said aside,</p> - -<p>“Oh, my father! a bottle of your blood shall<span class="pagenum" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</span> -be sent to your faithful flock at, What’s the name -of the place?”</p> - -<p>“Bother!” growled I.</p> - -<p>As we turned a corner of the street, the roaring -of the lions in the distant Flavian amphitheatre -was borne down on my ear.</p> - -<p>A passing Christian exclaimed:</p> - -<p class="center fs80"> -“The trumpet notes which sound to victory!”<br> -</p> - -<p>Oh, Betsy Jane, Betsy Jane! And the dear -children! And the baby! What on earth shall -I do?</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</span></p> -<h2 class="nobreak" id="CHAPTER_III">CHAPTER III.</h2> -</div> - -<p class="center">HOW I STOOD BEFORE THE PREFECT.</p> - - -<p>I have never succeeded in adequately describing -to Betsy Jane my feelings under escort to bonds -and imprisonment, and perhaps worse; and if I -failed in making the wife of my bosom appreciate -the horrible anxiety under which I laboured during -that walk, I must necessarily fail with the public. -Not of course that I was alarmed on my own -account, but I felt for my wife and family, and I -was all of a tremble for Grubbington parish. Mrs. -Starch, I mean Betsy Jane, has, since my return -to the 19th century, insisted on my insuring my -life. Perhaps had I been at the period of my lapse -well insured, I could have faced the tribunal with -greater equanimity. I put it plainly to myself,—here -I am about to be judged, and perhaps sentenced -to suffer excruciating agonies, in behalf of a<span class="pagenum" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</span> -Christianity which is not at all of my sort, or -according to my liking. I am to be, possibly, -gutted alive, or impaled, or fried like a herring, or -flayed, and rubbed over with pepper and salt,—my -nerves being unusually sensitive—all because I am -supposed to be a member of a religious community -which prays for the dead, uses superstitious ceremonial -in the celebration of sacraments, and does -not know anything of the principles of the Reformation! -Am I prepared to undergo frightful -tortures in witness to a faith which tolerates incense, -lights, and vestments! Am I to relinquish for -ever the prospects of croquet, archery, and other -like clerical diversions, by submitting to the rack -on behalf of a lot of Christians whose allegiance -to the State is more than questionable? Suppose I -am gutted, or impaled, or thrown to lions, or -roasted on a gridiron, or burned in a tar barrel, -what then?</p> - -<p>My bones or ashes will be collected, and -“deposited in peace” in some vault of the catacombs; -I shall be a saint, not the Rev. Edward -Starch, but S. Edward, P. and M. My remains -will be venerated by ignorant crowds of devotees. -To these legs of mine will be given idolatrous worship, -and a future Pope will, probably, send the -severed joints of my backbone to be enshrined in -gold in various Roman Catholic Churches in<span class="pagenum" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</span> -Christendom. My collar-bone may be encrusted in -jewels at Toledo, my ganglions in Cracow. My -little toes may be borne about by coped ecclesiastics -in Austrian processions, and the exposition of my -big toes may be the means of preventing a plague -in Algiers. Now I may fairly ask myself am I -justified in thus affording additional opportunities -for the extension of superstition?</p> - -<p>If I could be quite certain that my relics would -be disposed of in an Anglican manner, say, sent to -the British Museum, why then the case would be -altered. Or again, if I could be tried upon the -principles of the Anglican Liturgy and the Thirty-nine -Articles, cheerfully would I die, but for a -religion which must be abhorrent to all readers of -the <cite>Times</cite>, or the <cite>Pall Mall</cite>, or the <cite>Guardian</cite>, in as -much as it closely resembles that of the 19th century -ritualistic school:—</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p class="center">NEVER!</p> -</div> - -<p>In arriving at this conclusion I suppose I lagged -a bit, for one of my escort with his lance from -behind progged me in a fleshy part, to make me -walk a little quicker. I threatened him with law, -but he laughed. Laughed at being threatened -with law! In what a benighted condition Rome -must be.</p> - -<p>We reached the court, and I was at once brought -before the prefect, who happened to be then sitting.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</span> -He had just disposed of a Roman Christian or two. -One he had ordered to be smeared with honey and -exposed to wasps and bees; another he had condemned -to be hamstrung, a third to be hugged to -death by a bear. An ugly prospect for my poor -self—not that I considered self one moment, but I -did feel keenly for my poor wife, whose feelings -would be harrowed should she read the acts of my -martyrdom in Ruinart.</p> - -<p>“Sirrah!” exclaimed the prefect, darting at me -a malignant glance. “Who are you? Another -Christian dog, eh?”</p> - -<p>I pulled up my shirt collar, and after a premonitory -cough, replied with dignity and composure, -“Illustrious Sir, allow me briefly and lucidly -to explain to you the peculiar circumstances which -have brought me into this predicament.”</p> - -<p>“Are you a Roman?” asked the judge in a -surly manner.</p> - -<p>“No, my Lord, I am an Englishman, parson of -Grubbington-in-the-Clay.”</p> - -<p>“Humph! I suppose you are a Christian.”</p> - -<p>“Christian is a broad term,” I replied, “and -may mean anything. A Protestant and consistent -Anglican I am, but I utterly repudiate all connexion -with the Roman Church which I stoutly -maintain, in the language of our incomparable -Thirty-nine Articles, to have erred, not only in their<span class="pagenum" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</span> -living and manner of ceremonies, but also in matters -of faith. I regard too, the Romish doctrine -concerning purgatory, pardons, worshipping and -adoration of images, as of reliques, and also invocation -of saints, to be a fond thing vainly invented, -and grounded upon no warranty of Scripture, but -rather repugnant to the word of God. I do most -stoutly maintain this, and show me the member of -this Church who can stand against me in argument.”</p> - -<p>The prefect looked at me with a puzzled air, and -then asked what I did believe.</p> - -<p>“I believe that Bishops, priests, and deacons, -are not commanded either to vow the estate of -single life, or to abstain from marriage: and therefore -that it is lawful for them, as for all other men, -to marry at their own discretion. I may add, that -my wife entirely agrees with me on this point.”</p> - -<p>The prefect uttered an insulting remark with regard -to my intellectual capabilities.</p> - -<p>“Are you a Christian?” he asked.</p> - -<p>I allowed that I was, “but”——. He cut me -short as I was about to qualify the remark on the -apostolic principle of being all things to all men, -and not causing my brother to offend, and asked -whether I would swear by the genius of the -Emperor.</p> - -<p>“By all means,” I replied, “the powers that be—you<span class="pagenum" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</span> -know the rest; well, in Grubbington I have -got a lion and unicorn over the chancel arch. I -have the utmost reverence for secular authority, -and the blindest devotion to the Crown.”</p> - -<p>“Have you any of the sacred writings in your -possession?”</p> - -<p>I felt in my numerous pockets; I had failed -before in my endeavour to discover a certain publication -of the Anglo-Continental Society, in my -breast pocket, I now explored one of the receptacles -in the tail of my coat. Yes! I came on a packet -of the tracts of that society, in Latin. I handed -them at once to the prefect, who ordered his secretary -to take them.</p> - -<p>“And,” continued he, addressing the executioner, -“look out your apparatus of torture, Maximus. -Here is a man who seems to be neither fish, nor -flesh, nor fowl: he should have some special cooking.”</p> - -<p>“My Lord, shall I roast him?”</p> - -<p>“No, good Maximus, roasting is out of fashion.”</p> - -<p>“Shall I boil him?”</p> - -<p>“That is common-place.”</p> - -<p>“Fry him, my Lord?”</p> - -<p>“No, let us have some novelty; monotony is -tedious.”</p> - -<p>“The little horse, the red hot pincers, the thumb -screws, the leaded whips, are all stale,” mused the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</span> -executioner, biting his thumb-nails and looking -dumped. Presently, however, a ray of light -illumined his face: “My Lord!” he said, looking -up cheerfully, “it is an ancient tradition in the -family of my mother, who came from a remote -island of the northern seas, called Hibernia, that -two cats were once shut up in a chamber at Kilkennœa, -and they fought and fought till they had -eaten each other all but the tails. My Lord, the -prisoner seems to regard the Roman Christians with -an antipathy similar to that recorded of the Kilkennœan -cats, and this antipathy I presume is -reciprocated. Will it please your worship to order -the confinement, in an iron cage, of the deacon -Laurence with this Britannic mongrel Christian. -I confidently anticipate great entertainment to -your Lordship, and I am satisfied that if you will -condescend to inspect the cage to-morrow morning, -nothing of the several parties will be discovered -except the <i lang="la" xml:lang="la">os sacrum</i> of each, which your Lordship -is well aware, takes that place in man which, in the -inferior order of mammals, is occupied by the -tail.”</p> - -<p>“Capital!” exclaimed the judge, “and whilst -Maximus is looking up the cage, and whilst the -soldiers go in search of the deacon Laurence, Servius, -do you read the pernicious writings which the<span class="pagenum" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</span> -prisoner has delivered over to us, and which the -Christians regard with reverence.”</p> - -<p>The secretary began to read; my eyes wandered -about the court, lighting on this and then on that -instrument of torture. I saw a fire of charcoal -with pincers in it quite red hot, and my flesh -quivered. I saw a press under which Christians -were sometimes flattened like pancakes. I saw -barbed hooks for inserting into the muscles, wooden -saws discoloured with blood, which had cut men in -two. Indeed, I saw more than I dare describe. -When I attempted to go into the details of what -I beheld to my wife, she said “Now, don’t dear,” -and I will refrain from doing so here, relying upon -her superior judgment.</p> - -<p>Whilst I was examining all these horrible implements, -the scribe read on in a monotonous voice -the stirring words of one of the most pugnacious -of the Anglo-Continental tracts. I now turned my -gaze upon the audience, who had taken a cruel -interest in the scenes of the court, and who were -quite prepared to witness with relish the anticipated -fight between Laurence and myself. My eyes -lingered first on one and then on another. I soon -observed their eyelids drooping, and a blank expression -stealing over their faces. Still the scribe -Servius read the bold statement of Anglican principles.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</span></p> - -<p>In the corner I observed the bear which had -hugged one Christian to death that morning, chained -to a post. During the greater part of my trial, the -brute had extended its arms in an endearing manner -towards myself, and had been wagging its -stump of a tail in the anticipation of giving me a -warm embrace. The bear now coiled itself up on -the floor, and went fast asleep. I now looked at -the prefect. His eyes were closed. Evidently the -publication of the Anglo-Continental Society had -made a profound impression upon him. Yes! but -of a kind I had not anticipated. He, too, was -asleep. I heard him snore. The scribe’s voice -began to falter, the sentences became broken. He -went to sleep also. I glanced round the court. -Every one was enjoying the repose which is brought -on upon so many by a dose of laudanum, or a -perusal of the leading articles of the <cite>Guardian</cite>.</p> - -<p>I seized the opportunity and stepped lightly out -of the court. The guards at the door were vigorously -trumpeting through their noses; on them too -had the Anglo-Continental tract produced this -happy effect. In another moment I was in the -street—I was free: I gave a whoop of exultation, -and—</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p class="center">WOKE UP IN MY STUDY.</p> -</div> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop"> - - -<div class="transnote"> -<h2>Transcriber’s Notes</h2> - -<ul> -<li>Created Table of Contents</li> -<li>pg 13 Changed am I presumptuous is to: in</li> -<li>pg 20 Added the word who after: there’s Betsy Jane (my wife)</li> -<li>pg 21 Added comma after: said aside</li> -<li>pg 24 Changed period after: is more than questionable to: a question mark</li> -<li>pg 29 Changed an antipathy similiar to: similar</li> -<li>pg 29 Removed repeated word: in the the inferior</li> -</ul> - -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin-top:4em'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAUGHT NAPPING ***</div> -<div style='text-align:left'> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will -be renamed. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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