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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..54cf1b1 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #67516 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/67516) diff --git a/old/67516-0.txt b/old/67516-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 256a0be..0000000 --- a/old/67516-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,800 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook of Object, Matrimony, by B. M. Bower - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you -will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before -using this eBook. - -Title: Object, Matrimony - -Author: B. M. Bower - -Release Date: February 26, 2022 [eBook #67516] - -Language: English - -Produced by: Roger Frank and Sue Clark. This file was produced from - images generously made available by The Internet Archive. - -*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OBJECT, MATRIMONY *** - - - Object, Matrimony - - Being a Further Chapter in the Annals of “The Hall of Mirth,” - as Related by Bud Preston, Cowboy - - By B. M. Bower - - Author of “The Hall of Mirth,” “The Curious Mr. Canfield,” Etc. - - -Women are all right—if yuh keep far enough away from them. It’s when -yuh take down your rope and commence to widen your loop for one that -trouble generally begins; or else when yuh get one, she runs on the -rope and keeps yuh guessing other ways. - -The time I was working for old Shooting-star Wilson, I sure got an -object-lesson that I won’t forget in a week or two. We was living -happy and content, and meaning harm to nobody that winter. It was the -winter after Shooting-star had got his wad—ten thousand dollars—from -the old country, and had blowed it all in on a house to give a -Washington’s Birthday ball in. He sure done himself proud; and spent -every blame cent on the house and dance. So the next day he told Ellis -and me to roll our beds and move into the mansion—which same domicile -we called the Hall of Mirth, for various reasons that would uh stood -in court, all right. - -It sure was a woozy proposition, for a real house. We got kinda -accustomed to the red, white, and blue diamonds painted on the floors, -and to the stars and stripes on the ceilings, and the red and green -and blue chairs; but they sure got on our nerves at first. - -Folks used to come miles to see that house, which I will say was worth -the trip, all right. But, seeing it was built for a dance, it never -did get so it fit us, like some shacks do. We’d pull the biggest plush -chairs in the house up to the big fireplace in the back parlor, and -shut all the sliding-doors, and roll us a cigarette apiece, and stick -out our legs as far as nature’d allow, toward the fire. And even then -we felt like we’d been shut into a razzle-dazzle hall somewheres, and -the crowd had all gone off and left us; they were unmerciful big -rooms. - -Ellis and me used to make a sneak down to the old bunk-house once in -awhile, and make a fire in the old stove, and snatch a little comfort. -But it always hurt Shooting-star’s feelings; and besides, he was such -an economical old cuss—in some ways. He said it ground him to have all -that good money into a house, and then not get any good out of it. So -we had to stick to the Hall of Mirth, whether we wanted to or not. But -honest, them rooms was so big they echoed like thunder; and the walls -and floors and ceilings was that gaudy we came near having to put on -brown goggles. Even the books was all red and blue and green bindings. -Shooting-star sure liked to have things match. - -That winter all the kids in the country got to mixing things with -measles and whooping-cough, and the like, so there wasn’t any dances -or anything. Everybody stayed at home so they wouldn’t catch nothing, -and then wondered where the dickens they’d caught it at. So times was -dull, and there wasn’t nothing doing in the shape of amusement. One of -us would ride into Bent Willow, once in a week or so, and glom all the -papers and magazines we could. We’d just about finished the red and -blue and green books—what hadn’t just about finished us, that is. - -So one day I rode in and brought out a bundle uh magazines—the kind -that’s thirty cents a year, or only twenty if yuh get up a club uh -four. Yuh know the brand all right, I guess. They have stories told in -shifts, and every shift saws off short just when you’re plumb wild -with desire to know how he rescued the beautiful Lady Floribel from -the up-stairs of the burning manor-house, with the staircase just -commencing to crackle up good; or some such a lay as that. And there’s -pages in it that tells yuh how to be beautiful, and others that hands -out wisdom on the momentous question of what it’s polite for a girl to -say to the gazabo she’s been dancing with, after he’s tromped on her -toes and took a chunk out of her dress; should she say, “Don’t mention -it,” or shall she bawl him out before the crowd the way she’d like to? - -Ellis and I was playing pitch that night, and old Shooting-star had -the bunch uh magazines, going through them methodical and serious. -Shooting-star swallows everything he sees in print, like them writer -sharps didn’t know enough to lie. And once in awhile he’d read a piece -out to us. He went through the cooking page, licking his chops over -the salads and truck, and wishing we wasn’t such a bone-headed bunch, -so we could frame up some uh the things. - -“A woman could sure do it,” he says, kinda thoughtful. “But it’s no -use either uh you tackling this here coffee frappy; but I’ll gamble -it’s out uh sight. There’s times,” he says, “when a woman is about the -best investment a man can make.” - -“If he don’t go and invest in ’em too heavy,” puts in Ellis. - -Shooting-star didn’t say no more then. But pretty soon he read out a -little short piece that they stuck in between the advertisements. It -said: - - A loveless life is a life barren of all joy, all - contentment, all hope. Marriage broadens the life as - nothing else can do; it rounds out character, makes for - generosity and true sympathy. The man who is blessed with - a true, loving helpmate need never fear the barren years - of a lonely old age. - -Or if them ain’t just the words, they’re mighty near it. - -Shooting-star looks at us over his glasses. “Boys,” he says, “blamed -if I don’t believe that’s about so! An old bach like me sure does live -a kinda barren existence; and there ain’t enough joy in the life I’m -leading to talk about. I believe the men that’s broke to work double -has got all the best uh the deal. Anyway,” he says, pointed, “they can -git something to eat besides sour-dough bread and fried bacon and -stewed apricots. They git cake once in awhile; cake that’s fit to -eat.” - -Ellis kinda brustled up at that. He’d been doing the cooking that -week, and he’d tackled a cake—a fruit-cake, with prunes in it for the -fruit—and he’d been short uh lard, and had used bacon grease for -short’ning, which give it a taste that didn’t harmonize none too well -with the prunes. It was sure hot stuff; we fed some of it to an old -pinto of Shooting-star’s that was a biscuit fiend; and the pinto -turned his lip up till he couldn’t hardly see over it, and went around -all day looking at us reproachful; it was giving him the double-cross, -all right, to hand out such a mess for him to swallow. So Ellis took -Shooting-star’s remark personal. - -“Why don’t yuh get married, then?” he says. “Why don’t yuh cast your -loop over that widow in Bent Willow? The chances is she savvies -building a cake out uh nothing but bad flour and hope.” - -That was a come-back at Shooting-star, who wasn’t a bit too liberal in -buying stuff to cook with. - -“I wouldn’t take er as a gift,” says Shooting-star. And he goes back -to his magazine. - -We played for awhile, and kinda forgot the subject, when the Old Man -breaks out in a new spot. - -“Boys,” he says, “listen to this once: - - “A bright, loving, sensible young lady, with some means, - would like to correspond with affectionate, honorable - gentleman; one with some country property preferred. Must - be sober, honest, and willing to make a good and loving - husband. No trifler need answer this, or widower. Object, - matrimony. - - “L. A.” - -He looked at us expectant, and waited for somebody to say something. - -“Three,” said Ellis, looking at me. - -“Pitch it,” said I; and he played the deuce uh spades. - -Shooting-star grunted. “Anyway, I ain’t no trifler, and I ain’t a -widower,” he said, like we’d been arguing the point with him, and had -raised doubts of his being able to qualify. - -“Which it’s a cinch you’ll wish yuh was,” remarked Ellis, without -looking up. - -“And I’m there with the goods when it comes to country property,” said -Shooting-star, looking at us both kinda anxious. I seen him out uh the -tail uh my eye. - -“And you’re shore affectionate and honorable,” put in Ellis, -sarcastic. Ellis hadn’t forgot the slur on his cake. “And you’re some -sober—by spells.” - -Shooting-star rose up and looked fighty. “There’s times, young feller, -when punching would do yuh good,” he snarls, malignant. - -“Yes, sir, punching would do yuh good; and if yuh don’t calm down and -have some manners about yuh, it’s apt to happen. If you can lay your -finger on a time when I was too full to walk straight, I’d sure admire -to have yuh. She says _sober_, which means walking straight and being -able to find the door. She don’t say I’ve got to be a darned -pro’bitionist, does she? Hey? And I guess I could be some -affectionate—if I had any call to be. And I ain’t no trifler. If I -answered her ad I’d mean business. And I ain’t a widower. She’s -bright, and lovin’, and sensible—and them brands sure look good to me. -I’d sure love to have somebody in the house with sense!” - -“Well,” grins Ellis, “go after it, old-timer. But while Bud and me -mayn’t have much sense, yuh want to bear in mind that we’re sure -bright and loving.” - -“Loving!” snorts Shooting-star, and went to spelling out the ad again -in a whisper. - -Next morning Shooting-star saddled up and rode off to Bent Willow -mysterious. He wasn’t gone long, and he didn’t bring nothing back—not -even a jag; so Ellis and me frames it up between us that he’s up and -wrote to that bright, loving, sensible young lady that’s hankering for -a loving husband. Still, we don’t know nothing for sure, because -Shooting-star gets plumb silent on the subject, and all the hints we -throw out don’t bring results of any kind. - -Ellis and me kinda worried over it, only we wouldn’t let on. But one -thing looked bad, and that was, Shooting-star would set by the hour -humped up in front uh the fireplace, reading over that advertisement, -and kinda dreaming and letting his pipe go cold. And then he’d come -alive and cast his eyes around that big razzle-dazzle room, and at the -ten-by-twelve foot picture uh George Washington—only it looked like a -Cree squaw with her hair braided down her back—on the wall, and he’d -rub his knees and nod his head, like somebody had just passed out a -bunch uh hot air about his good taste in fixing up a house. It all -looked plumb dubious to Ellis and me. - -Next deal Ellis brought out a letter for Shooting-star, and showed me -where it was postmarked “Plumville, Illinois,” and was in a woman’s -handwriting. “It’s from her, all right,” he says. “L. A.—Lonesome Ann. -Shall I ditch it, for the good of old Shooting-star’s soul, Bud, or -shall I hand it over and let ’er slide?” - -Honest, I come blame near telling him to ditch it, and say nothing. -But when yuh come to think uh the way they come down on yuh with both -feet if yuh go monkeying with the mails, even the good of the Old Man -wouldn’t hardly be worth playing the game out. So I told Ellis he -better give up the letter, and not butt into no romance—if romance it -was to be. Ellis took the letter in and handed it over to -Shooting-star, and Shooting-star kinda breathed long and easy, and -turned it over and over in his hands, like it assayed pure gold. - -I nudged Ellis, and we went out into the kitchen and shut the door. - -“So help me, Ellis!” I says, “if she does him up, or plays crooked, or -ain’t straight goods, you watch me be righteous vengeance. He’s going -to take the whole blame business serious.” - -Ellis didn’t hardly agree. He said we could keep cases, and if the -game didn’t look all straight, why, we could buy in and coax -Shooting-star out. He said we had slathers of influence, if we was a -mind to use it right. So we kinda laid low and kept our eyes peeled. - -That night Shooting-star commenced to knock the cooking—without cause, -too. It was my week in the kitchen, and I don’t back down from no man -on boiling coffee or making sour-dough biscuits. Besides them, I had -beefsteak you could cut with a paper knife, it was that tender; and -stewed prunes with the pits all oozing out; and fresh syrup made by -burning a little white sugar in the pan first for flavor, and beans. -And if that ain’t good enough for any white man to fill up on, I’ll -hand over the dish towel and resign prompt and willing. All that -evening Shooting-star set out in the kitchen and wrote. It sure be -hard labor, because in the morning the stove was half-full uh burnt -paper—where he’d backed up for a fresh start, I took it. Once in -awhile he’d holler in to Ellis and me for our idea of the spelling of -a word; and by keeping tab on them same words, we got an idea uh what -the letter was like. I know we spelled “heartfelt” and “barren,” -“generous” and “constant” and “prayer.” Ellis and me studied for an -hour over how he figured on ringing in that last word; but Ellis has -sure got a swell imagination, and when he thought about, “May the -angels watch over you is my prayer,” we savvied right off that we were -on the right trail. Say, I’d give a lot to uh seen that letter; I bet -she was sure hot stuff. - -Shooting-star rode in and mailed it himself, which sure looked to us -like he lacked confidence in Ellis and me. Then he dubbed around in a -daze till he got the answer, which wasn’t long getting here, either. -They sure seemed to go after that corresponding business enthusiastic, -and as if they meant business. This here letter had her picture in it, -and Ellis and me like to perjured our souls and twisted our necks -plumb off trying to get a look at it. But Shooting-star wouldn’t let -us see anything but the back; and he packed it around in his inside -coat pocket between times, and we never could catch him with his coat -off. It was plumb aggravating. - -Along about then he got extreme fastididus over what he eat, and -bellyached over the cooking till Ellis and me was fair desperate. -Ellis got on the peck, one night, and commenced throwing it into -Shooting-star about Lonesome Ann—which is what we called her. - -“It looks like you’d hurry up the nooptials, then, before yuh starve -plumb to death,” he growls. “And have yuh got a affidavy that Lonesome -Ann can frame up any better meals than what Bud and me can? The -chances is she can’t. Some uh the darndest messes I ever insulted my -insides with was throwed together by the gentle hands uh woman. Yuh -don’t want to go into this thing with your hands tied behind yuh, -Shooting-star.” - -Shooting-star quit shoveling sugar into his coffee. “I ain’t,” he -retorts, kinda lofty. “She can make coffee frappy and Charlotte Rush, -and floatin’ island and plum pudding and mince pie. I asked her in my -first letter. She can make everything in the Christmas menu on the -Housekeeper’s Page uh that _Family Cricket Magazine_. I asked her. And -in about three weeks you imitation chuck-slingers can git out the -kitchen, and let somebody in that can _cook_.” - -Ellis kinda gulped, but he didn’t say nothing then. Afterwards, we -went down to the old bunk-house and started a fire, and talked it over -without results. Any way we looked at it we didn’t see no chance to -butt in. We both took the same stand—that a woman that had to -advertise for a man or go without, must sure be a hard proposition. -And we didn’t take no stock in her cooking, neither; that kind of a -female would likely lie promiscous when she was after a husband. We -shook our heads sorrowful, and wisht we’d held up that first letter. -Now things had gone so far we couldn’t do nothing but look on and be -sorry. - -In about two weeks Shooting-star told us to turn loose and clean up -the Hall of Mirth. He said it was plumb scandalous the way we’d let -the dirt pile up a foot thick on the floor; and he wanted George -Washington gone over with a damp cloth—which was quite a contract, -considering the size of him—and the cobwebs swept off’n the stars and -stripes on the ceiling. He said it was a disgrace the way we’d let -that beautiful place go to rack and ruin. And when he come back, he -said (he was going to Butte to meet Lonesome Ann, and they was to be -hooked up there), he wanted the house good and warm, and we was to -have the table all set in the dining-room, and all the folding-doors -wide open, so Mrs. Shooting-star could get a good view uh the beauty -and richness of her new home at one glance. - -“And for the Lord’s sake,” he winds up, “don’t throw matches and -cigarette-stubs on the floor; try and have some style about yuh. And,” -he says, “I want yuh to fix up that dance sign, and light it just -before we git here. Ellis can drive in after us, and Bud, yuh sure -want to remember that sign, and have it ready; and have all the lamps -lit, so these rooms’ll show up good. I want her to see, right off, -that there ain’t nothing small about Montana.” - -The sign, if yuh remember, was the one we had up over the front door -on the night he gave the great dance he’d built the house for. It was -one uh these cloth boxes, with lamps inside, and it read: “Welcome to -the Hall of Mirth” in letters you could read clear down to the first -bend in the trail. It was sure gaudy and impressive, and it looked -like a dance-hall sign—only Shooting-star never seemed to realize it. -And as to the rooms, when the lamps was lit and all the big archways -opened up, you could stand in the front door and look right down about -seventy-five feet of insanity; through the big front parlor, and the -back parlor, and the dining-room. And the farther yuh looked the -crazier it got. Shooting-star sure had an eye for bright colors. - -Ellis and me didn’t hardly take time to feed the stock and eat our -meals; and by the time the bride and groom was due, things was sure -shining. When we lit the lamps and stood by the front door, just to -see how she stacked up, we got so dizzy we had to grab hold uh the -casing. Mister! it would throw a crimp into a blind man. - -Well, sir, she come. Ellis and me didn’t hardly believe she would, but -she did, all right. Ellis drove up to the front door with ’em just -after it got good and dark, and the sign was casting yellow light on -the snow, and all the big bay windows oozing brightness around the -edges—for I’d pulled the blinds, so she couldn’t see inside till she -got in. Shooting-star helped her out like she was made uh glass, and -led her up the steps, and: said: “Welcome to the Hall uh Mirth, Mrs. -Wilson.” And Ellis and me hunched each other, and waited. - -Shooting-star throwed the door wide open, and pulled her in. And she -give one look, and then yelled like we’d stuck a pin in her. And then -she fell backward, and Ellis and me caught her—and she was plumb dead -to the world. - -We packed her in and laid her on a sky-blue couch, and Ellis brought a -bucket uh water and a dipper, while I undone her wraps. Old -Shooting-star never done a blame thing but stand around in the way -with his jaw hanging slack. Ellis and me sloshed water on her -generous, and she come to enough to open her eyes and look around; but -when she seen them walls, with that great, ungodly picture uh George -Washington, she give another squawk, and come near going off again. -Then she commenced to cry—and I want to tell yuh right now, that she -had me going when she done that. She wasn’t no beauty, but she wasn’t -as big a freak as we’d looked for her to be; and she was plumb scared -at that house—and nobody blaming her but Shooting-star. He come up and -took the slack out uh his jaw long enough to ask what ailed her; and -when she just flinched away from him, like some horses do when yuh -throw a saddle on their backs unexpected, Shooting-star looked plumb -mad. - -“It’s this darn, crazy shack yuh brought her to,” snaps Ellis. “Yuh -should ’a’ told her, and kinda prepared her for the worst, yuh -two-faced old skate.” - -“There ain’t nothing the matter with the house,” says Shooting-star. -“It cost ten thousand dollars—and it suits _me_.” - -But it sure didn’t suit the missus. She cried for a plumb hour, and -begged pitiful for us to take her away from that dreadful place. She -said she’d sure go crazy if she had to stop there overnight. - -Ellis and me wanted to warm up the old bunk-house, and take her down -there, but old Shooting-star wouldn’t stand for it. He said this was -his home, and consequently _her_ home, and here’s where she belonged, -and had got to stay, so long as she lived with _him_. Shooting-star’s -easy, if yuh don’t get him roused up; but once he bows his neck, he -can’t be neither coaxed nor drove. - -So then she got fighty, and said she never would live in such a -crazy-looking place, and he must uh been crazy to build it. And they -got to passing remarks back and forth, and pretty soon Ellis and me -took a sneak. We didn’t feel that we ought to be present at no such -domestic crisis. We went out and set in the kitchen, with our feet in -the oven, and waited for the returns; but we didn’t say much. Only -once I says: “Shooting-star sure needs killing, anyway, for bringing a -white woman into such a house and trying to make her gentle down and -stay here.” - -By and by she hollers for us, and we hot-footed into the parlor again. -She was still on the couch, setting squeezed into a corner with her -face covered up with her hands. - -“If you are _gentlemen_,” she says, kinda teary and trembly, “you’ll -help me get back to that little town, and away from this dreadful, -insane _person_, and this dreadful, insane place. And I hope the Lord -will forgive me for doing such a foolish thing as to marry him.” - -Ellis and me looked grave, and told her the team was still hooked up, -and we’d take her, if she insisted. - -Shooting-star laughed savage. “Yes, and yuh can’t take her a darned -bit too quick to suit me,” he grunts. “Anybody that can’t see the -beauty and comfort of this domicile, there’s sure something wrong with -that person’s head, and they can’t pull their freight too soon,” he -says, and walks, dignified, out into the kitchen. So Ellis and me -drove her back to Bent Willow; and seeing she didn’t have much -money—as we found out by questioning her artful—we borrowed fifty -dollars, and made her take it. - -That was sure a brief honeymoon—for she never come back. Her year uh -residence was up a couple uh months ago, and soon as it was, she sued -him for a divorce and fifty a month alimony, and _got it_. The court -come out and looked at the Hall uh Mirth, and went back and wrote out -the decree immediate. So now she’s back in Plumville, Illinois, living -comfortable off that fifty a month. - -And Shooting-star’s praying for good years and top prices for beef, -and cursing female women promiscous. And I notice he don’t make no -kick about the cooking. - - -[Transcriber’s Note: This story appeared in the January 1907 issue -of The Popular Magazine.] - -*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OBJECT, MATRIMONY *** - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the -United States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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Thus, we do not -necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper -edition. - -Most people start at our website which has the main PG search -facility: www.gutenberg.org - -This website includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/old/67516-0.zip b/old/67516-0.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 4f9b037..0000000 --- a/old/67516-0.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/67516-h.zip b/old/67516-h.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index b87b645..0000000 --- a/old/67516-h.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/67516-h/67516-h.htm b/old/67516-h/67516-h.htm deleted file mode 100644 index 6bc2837..0000000 --- a/old/67516-h/67516-h.htm +++ /dev/null @@ -1,906 +0,0 @@ -<!DOCTYPE html> -<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> -<head> - <meta charset="UTF-8" /> - <title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Object, Matrimony, by B. M. Bower</title> - <link rel="icon" href="images/cover.jpg" type="image/x-cover" /> - <style> - body { margin-left:8%; margin-right:8%; } - p { text-indent:1.15em; margin-top:0.1em; margin-bottom:0.1em; text-align:justify; } - .ce { text-align:center; text-indent:0; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:auto; margin-right:auto; } - h1 { text-align:center; font-weight:normal; font-size:1.4em; margin-top:1em; } - blockquote { font-size:0.9em; } - .tn { background-color:linen; font-size:0.8em; border:1px solid silver; margin-top:1.8em; margin-left:8%; margin-bottom:1em; width:80%; padding:0.4em 2%; } - </style> -</head> -<body> -<p style='text-align:center; font-size:1.2em; font-weight:bold'>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Object, Matrimony, by B. M. Bower</p> -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online -at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you -are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the -country where you are located before using this eBook. -</div> - -<p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: Object, Matrimony</p> -<p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: B. M. Bower</p> -<p style='display:block; text-indent:0; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: February 26, 2022 [eBook #67516]</p> -<p style='display:block; text-indent:0; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</p> - <p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em; text-align:left'>Produced by: Roger Frank and Sue Clark. This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive.</p> -<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OBJECT, MATRIMONY ***</div> -<div class='ce'> -<h1 style='margin-bottom:0em;'>Object, Matrimony </h1> -<div style='font-size:0.8em;margin-top:0.5em;'>Being a Further Chapter in the Annals of “The Hall of Mirth,”</div> -<div style='font-size:0.8em;margin-bottom:0.5em;'>as Related by Bud Preston, Cowboy </div> -<div style='font-size:1.1em;margin-bottom:0.4em;'>By B. M. Bower </div> -<div style='font-size:0.8em;margin-bottom:2em;'>Author of “The Hall of Mirth,” “The Curious Mr. Canfield,” Etc. </div> -</div> -<p>Women are all right—if yuh keep far enough away from them. It’s when -yuh take down your rope and commence to widen your loop for one that -trouble generally begins; or else when yuh get one, she runs on the -rope and keeps yuh guessing other ways.</p> - -<p>The time I was working for old Shooting-star Wilson, I sure got an -object-lesson that I won’t forget in a week or two. We was living -happy and content, and meaning harm to nobody that winter. It was the -winter after Shooting-star had got his wad—ten thousand dollars—from -the old country, and had blowed it all in on a house to give a -Washington’s Birthday ball in. He sure done himself proud; and spent -every blame cent on the house and dance. So the next day he told Ellis -and me to roll our beds and move into the mansion—which same domicile -we called the Hall of Mirth, for various reasons that would uh stood -in court, all right.</p> - -<p>It sure was a woozy proposition, for a real house. We got kinda -accustomed to the red, white, and blue diamonds painted on the floors, -and to the stars and stripes on the ceilings, and the red and green -and blue chairs; but they sure got on our nerves at first.</p> - -<p>Folks used to come miles to see that house, which I will say was worth -the trip, all right. But, seeing it was built for a dance, it never -did get so it fit us, like some shacks do. We’d pull the biggest plush -chairs in the house up to the big fireplace in the back parlor, and -shut all the sliding-doors, and roll us a cigarette apiece, and stick -out our legs as far as nature’d allow, toward the fire. And even then -we felt like we’d been shut into a razzle-dazzle hall somewheres, and -the crowd had all gone off and left us; they were unmerciful big -rooms.</p> - -<p>Ellis and me used to make a sneak down to the old bunk-house once in -awhile, and make a fire in the old stove, and snatch a little comfort. -But it always hurt Shooting-star’s feelings; and besides, he was such -an economical old cuss—in some ways. He said it ground him to have all -that good money into a house, and then not get any good out of it. So -we had to stick to the Hall of Mirth, whether we wanted to or not. But -honest, them rooms was so big they echoed like thunder; and the walls -and floors and ceilings was that gaudy we came near having to put on -brown goggles. Even the books was all red and blue and green bindings. -Shooting-star sure liked to have things match.</p> - -<p>That winter all the kids in the country got to mixing things with -measles and whooping-cough, and the like, so there wasn’t any dances -or anything. Everybody stayed at home so they wouldn’t catch nothing, -and then wondered where the dickens they’d caught it at. So times was -dull, and there wasn’t nothing doing in the shape of amusement. One of -us would ride into Bent Willow, once in a week or so, and glom all the -papers and magazines we could. We’d just about finished the red and -blue and green books—what hadn’t just about finished us, that is.</p> - -<p>So one day I rode in and brought out a bundle uh magazines—the kind -that’s thirty cents a year, or only twenty if yuh get up a club uh -four. Yuh know the brand all right, I guess. They have stories told in -shifts, and every shift saws off short just when you’re plumb wild -with desire to know how he rescued the beautiful Lady Floribel from -the up-stairs of the burning manor-house, with the staircase just -commencing to crackle up good; or some such a lay as that. And there’s -pages in it that tells yuh how to be beautiful, and others that hands -out wisdom on the momentous question of what it’s polite for a girl to -say to the gazabo she’s been dancing with, after he’s tromped on her -toes and took a chunk out of her dress; should she say, “Don’t mention -it,” or shall she bawl him out before the crowd the way she’d like to?</p> - -<p>Ellis and I was playing pitch that night, and old Shooting-star had -the bunch uh magazines, going through them methodical and serious. -Shooting-star swallows everything he sees in print, like them writer -sharps didn’t know enough to lie. And once in awhile he’d read a piece -out to us. He went through the cooking page, licking his chops over -the salads and truck, and wishing we wasn’t such a bone-headed bunch, -so we could frame up some uh the things.</p> - -<p>“A woman could sure do it,” he says, kinda thoughtful. “But it’s no -use either uh you tackling this here coffee frappy; but I’ll gamble -it’s out uh sight. There’s times,” he says, “when a woman is about the -best investment a man can make.”</p> - -<p>“If he don’t go and invest in ’em too heavy,” puts in Ellis.</p> - -<p>Shooting-star didn’t say no more then. But pretty soon he read out a -little short piece that they stuck in between the advertisements. It -said:</p> - -<blockquote> -<p>A loveless life is a life barren of all joy, all contentment, all -hope. Marriage broadens the life as nothing else can do; it rounds out -character, makes for generosity and true sympathy. The man who is -blessed with a true, loving helpmate need never fear the barren years -of a lonely old age.</p> - -</blockquote> -<p>Or if them ain’t just the words, they’re mighty near it.</p> - -<p>Shooting-star looks at us over his glasses. “Boys,” he says, “blamed -if I don’t believe that’s about so! An old bach like me sure does live -a kinda barren existence; and there ain’t enough joy in the life I’m -leading to talk about. I believe the men that’s broke to work double -has got all the best uh the deal. Anyway,” he says, pointed, “they can -git something to eat besides sour-dough bread and fried bacon and -stewed apricots. They git cake once in awhile; cake that’s fit to -eat.”</p> - -<p>Ellis kinda brustled up at that. He’d been doing the cooking that -week, and he’d tackled a cake—a fruit-cake, with prunes in it for the -fruit—and he’d been short uh lard, and had used bacon grease for -short’ning, which give it a taste that didn’t harmonize none too well -with the prunes. It was sure hot stuff; we fed some of it to an old -pinto of Shooting-star’s that was a biscuit fiend; and the pinto -turned his lip up till he couldn’t hardly see over it, and went around -all day looking at us reproachful; it was giving him the double-cross, -all right, to hand out such a mess for him to swallow. So Ellis took -Shooting-star’s remark personal.</p> - -<p>“Why don’t yuh get married, then?” he says. “Why don’t yuh cast your -loop over that widow in Bent Willow? The chances is she savvies -building a cake out uh nothing but bad flour and hope.”</p> - -<p>That was a come-back at Shooting-star, who wasn’t a bit too liberal in -buying stuff to cook with.</p> - -<p>“I wouldn’t take er as a gift,” says Shooting-star. And he goes back -to his magazine.</p> - -<p>We played for awhile, and kinda forgot the subject, when the Old Man -breaks out in a new spot.</p> - -<p>“Boys,” he says, “listen to this once:</p> - -<blockquote> -<p>“A bright, loving, sensible young lady, with some means, would like to -correspond with affectionate, honorable gentleman; one with some -country property preferred. Must be sober, honest, and willing to make -a good and loving husband. No trifler need answer this, or widower. -Object, matrimony.</p> - -<div style='text-align:right;'>“L. A.”</div> -</blockquote> -<p>He looked at us expectant, and waited for somebody to say something.</p> - -<p>“Three,” said Ellis, looking at me.</p> - -<p>“Pitch it,” said I; and he played the deuce uh spades.</p> - -<p>Shooting-star grunted. “Anyway, I ain’t no trifler, and I ain’t a -widower,” he said, like we’d been arguing the point with him, and had -raised doubts of his being able to qualify.</p> - -<p>“Which it’s a cinch you’ll wish yuh was,” remarked Ellis, without -looking up.</p> - -<p>“And I’m there with the goods when it comes to country property,” said -Shooting-star, looking at us both kinda anxious. I seen him out uh the -tail uh my eye.</p> - -<p>“And you’re shore affectionate and honorable,” put in Ellis, -sarcastic. Ellis hadn’t forgot the slur on his cake. “And you’re some -sober—by spells.”</p> - -<p>Shooting-star rose up and looked fighty. “There’s times, young feller, -when punching would do yuh good,” he snarls, malignant.</p> - -<p>“Yes, sir, punching would do yuh good; and if yuh don’t calm down and -have some manners about yuh, it’s apt to happen. If you can lay your -finger on a time when I was too full to walk straight, I’d sure admire -to have yuh. She says <i>sober</i>, which means walking straight and being -able to find the door. She don’t say I’ve got to be a darned -pro’bitionist, does she? Hey? And I guess I could be some -affectionate—if I had any call to be. And I ain’t no trifler. If I -answered her ad I’d mean business. And I ain’t a widower. She’s -bright, and lovin’, and sensible—and them brands sure look good to me. -I’d sure love to have somebody in the house with sense!”</p> - -<p>“Well,” grins Ellis, “go after it, old-timer. But while Bud and me -mayn’t have much sense, yuh want to bear in mind that we’re sure -bright and loving.”</p> - -<p>“Loving!” snorts Shooting-star, and went to spelling out the ad again -in a whisper.</p> - -<p>Next morning Shooting-star saddled up and rode off to Bent Willow -mysterious. He wasn’t gone long, and he didn’t bring nothing back—not -even a jag; so Ellis and me frames it up between us that he’s up and -wrote to that bright, loving, sensible young lady that’s hankering for -a loving husband. Still, we don’t know nothing for sure, because -Shooting-star gets plumb silent on the subject, and all the hints we -throw out don’t bring results of any kind.</p> - -<p>Ellis and me kinda worried over it, only we wouldn’t let on. But one -thing looked bad, and that was, Shooting-star would set by the hour -humped up in front uh the fireplace, reading over that advertisement, -and kinda dreaming and letting his pipe go cold. And then he’d come -alive and cast his eyes around that big razzle-dazzle room, and at the -ten-by-twelve foot picture uh George Washington—only it looked like a -Cree squaw with her hair braided down her back—on the wall, and he’d -rub his knees and nod his head, like somebody had just passed out a -bunch uh hot air about his good taste in fixing up a house. It all -looked plumb dubious to Ellis and me.</p> - -<p>Next deal Ellis brought out a letter for Shooting-star, and showed me -where it was postmarked “Plumville, Illinois,” and was in a woman’s -handwriting. “It’s from her, all right,” he says. “L. A.—Lonesome Ann. -Shall I ditch it, for the good of old Shooting-star’s soul, Bud, or -shall I hand it over and let ’er slide?”</p> - -<p>Honest, I come blame near telling him to ditch it, and say nothing. -But when yuh come to think uh the way they come down on yuh with both -feet if yuh go monkeying with the mails, even the good of the Old Man -wouldn’t hardly be worth playing the game out. So I told Ellis he -better give up the letter, and not butt into no romance—if romance it -was to be. Ellis took the letter in and handed it over to -Shooting-star, and Shooting-star kinda breathed long and easy, and -turned it over and over in his hands, like it assayed pure gold.</p> - -<p>I nudged Ellis, and we went out into the kitchen and shut the door.</p> - -<p>“So help me, Ellis!” I says, “if she does him up, or plays crooked, or -ain’t straight goods, you watch me be righteous vengeance. He’s going -to take the whole blame business serious.”</p> - -<p>Ellis didn’t hardly agree. He said we could keep cases, and if the -game didn’t look all straight, why, we could buy in and coax -Shooting-star out. He said we had slathers of influence, if we was a -mind to use it right. So we kinda laid low and kept our eyes peeled.</p> - -<p>That night Shooting-star commenced to knock the cooking—without cause, -too. It was my week in the kitchen, and I don’t back down from no man -on boiling coffee or making sour-dough biscuits. Besides them, I had -beefsteak you could cut with a paper knife, it was that tender; and -stewed prunes with the pits all oozing out; and fresh syrup made by -burning a little white sugar in the pan first for flavor, and beans. -And if that ain’t good enough for any white man to fill up on, I’ll -hand over the dish towel and resign prompt and willing. All that -evening Shooting-star set out in the kitchen and wrote. It sure be -hard labor, because in the morning the stove was half-full uh burnt -paper—where he’d backed up for a fresh start, I took it. Once in -awhile he’d holler in to Ellis and me for our idea of the spelling of -a word; and by keeping tab on them same words, we got an idea uh what -the letter was like. I know we spelled “heartfelt” and “barren,” -“generous” and “constant” and “prayer.” Ellis and me studied for an -hour over how he figured on ringing in that last word; but Ellis has -sure got a swell imagination, and when he thought about, “May the -angels watch over you is my prayer,” we savvied right off that we were -on the right trail. Say, I’d give a lot to uh seen that letter; I bet -she was sure hot stuff.</p> - -<p>Shooting-star rode in and mailed it himself, which sure looked to us -like he lacked confidence in Ellis and me. Then he dubbed around in a -daze till he got the answer, which wasn’t long getting here, either. -They sure seemed to go after that corresponding business enthusiastic, -and as if they meant business. This here letter had her picture in it, -and Ellis and me like to perjured our souls and twisted our necks -plumb off trying to get a look at it. But Shooting-star wouldn’t let -us see anything but the back; and he packed it around in his inside -coat pocket between times, and we never could catch him with his coat -off. It was plumb aggravating.</p> - -<p>Along about then he got extreme fastididus over what he eat, and -bellyached over the cooking till Ellis and me was fair desperate. -Ellis got on the peck, one night, and commenced throwing it into -Shooting-star about Lonesome Ann—which is what we called her.</p> - -<p>“It looks like you’d hurry up the nooptials, then, before yuh starve -plumb to death,” he growls. “And have yuh got a affidavy that Lonesome -Ann can frame up any better meals than what Bud and me can? The -chances is she can’t. Some uh the darndest messes I ever insulted my -insides with was throwed together by the gentle hands uh woman. Yuh -don’t want to go into this thing with your hands tied behind yuh, -Shooting-star.”</p> - -<p>Shooting-star quit shoveling sugar into his coffee. “I ain’t,” he -retorts, kinda lofty. “She can make coffee frappy and Charlotte Rush, -and floatin’ island and plum pudding and mince pie. I asked her in my -first letter. She can make everything in the Christmas menu on the -Housekeeper’s Page uh that <i>Family Cricket Magazine</i>. I asked her. And -in about three weeks you imitation chuck-slingers can git out the -kitchen, and let somebody in that can <i>cook</i>.”</p> - -<p>Ellis kinda gulped, but he didn’t say nothing then. Afterwards, we -went down to the old bunk-house and started a fire, and talked it over -without results. Any way we looked at it we didn’t see no chance to -butt in. We both took the same stand—that a woman that had to -advertise for a man or go without, must sure be a hard proposition. -And we didn’t take no stock in her cooking, neither; that kind of a -female would likely lie promiscous when she was after a husband. We -shook our heads sorrowful, and wisht we’d held up that first letter. -Now things had gone so far we couldn’t do nothing but look on and be -sorry.</p> - -<p>In about two weeks Shooting-star told us to turn loose and clean up -the Hall of Mirth. He said it was plumb scandalous the way we’d let -the dirt pile up a foot thick on the floor; and he wanted George -Washington gone over with a damp cloth—which was quite a contract, -considering the size of him—and the cobwebs swept off’n the stars and -stripes on the ceiling. He said it was a disgrace the way we’d let -that beautiful place go to rack and ruin. And when he come back, he -said (he was going to Butte to meet Lonesome Ann, and they was to be -hooked up there), he wanted the house good and warm, and we was to -have the table all set in the dining-room, and all the folding-doors -wide open, so Mrs. Shooting-star could get a good view uh the beauty -and richness of her new home at one glance.</p> - -<p>“And for the Lord’s sake,” he winds up, “don’t throw matches and -cigarette-stubs on the floor; try and have some style about yuh. And,” -he says, “I want yuh to fix up that dance sign, and light it just -before we git here. Ellis can drive in after us, and Bud, yuh sure -want to remember that sign, and have it ready; and have all the lamps -lit, so these rooms’ll show up good. I want her to see, right off, -that there ain’t nothing small about Montana.”</p> - -<p>The sign, if yuh remember, was the one we had up over the front door -on the night he gave the great dance he’d built the house for. It was -one uh these cloth boxes, with lamps inside, and it read: “Welcome to -the Hall of Mirth” in letters you could read clear down to the first -bend in the trail. It was sure gaudy and impressive, and it looked -like a dance-hall sign—only Shooting-star never seemed to realize it. -And as to the rooms, when the lamps was lit and all the big archways -opened up, you could stand in the front door and look right down about -seventy-five feet of insanity; through the big front parlor, and the -back parlor, and the dining-room. And the farther yuh looked the -crazier it got. Shooting-star sure had an eye for bright colors.</p> - -<p>Ellis and me didn’t hardly take time to feed the stock and eat our -meals; and by the time the bride and groom was due, things was sure -shining. When we lit the lamps and stood by the front door, just to -see how she stacked up, we got so dizzy we had to grab hold uh the -casing. Mister! it would throw a crimp into a blind man.</p> - -<p>Well, sir, she come. Ellis and me didn’t hardly believe she would, but -she did, all right. Ellis drove up to the front door with ’em just -after it got good and dark, and the sign was casting yellow light on -the snow, and all the big bay windows oozing brightness around the -edges—for I’d pulled the blinds, so she couldn’t see inside till she -got in. Shooting-star helped her out like she was made uh glass, and -led her up the steps, and: said: “Welcome to the Hall uh Mirth, Mrs. -Wilson.” And Ellis and me hunched each other, and waited.</p> - -<p>Shooting-star throwed the door wide open, and pulled her in. And she -give one look, and then yelled like we’d stuck a pin in her. And then -she fell backward, and Ellis and me caught her—and she was plumb dead -to the world.</p> - -<p>We packed her in and laid her on a sky-blue couch, and Ellis brought a -bucket uh water and a dipper, while I undone her wraps. Old -Shooting-star never done a blame thing but stand around in the way -with his jaw hanging slack. Ellis and me sloshed water on her -generous, and she come to enough to open her eyes and look around; but -when she seen them walls, with that great, ungodly picture uh George -Washington, she give another squawk, and come near going off again. -Then she commenced to cry—and I want to tell yuh right now, that she -had me going when she done that. She wasn’t no beauty, but she wasn’t -as big a freak as we’d looked for her to be; and she was plumb scared -at that house—and nobody blaming her but Shooting-star. He come up and -took the slack out uh his jaw long enough to ask what ailed her; and -when she just flinched away from him, like some horses do when yuh -throw a saddle on their backs unexpected, Shooting-star looked plumb -mad.</p> - -<p>“It’s this darn, crazy shack yuh brought her to,” snaps Ellis. “Yuh -should ’a’ told her, and kinda prepared her for the worst, yuh -two-faced old skate.”</p> - -<p>“There ain’t nothing the matter with the house,” says Shooting-star. -“It cost ten thousand dollars—and it suits <i>me</i>.”</p> - -<p>But it sure didn’t suit the missus. She cried for a plumb hour, and -begged pitiful for us to take her away from that dreadful place. She -said she’d sure go crazy if she had to stop there overnight.</p> - -<p>Ellis and me wanted to warm up the old bunk-house, and take her down -there, but old Shooting-star wouldn’t stand for it. He said this was -his home, and consequently <i>her</i> home, and here’s where she belonged, -and had got to stay, so long as she lived with <i>him</i>. Shooting-star’s -easy, if yuh don’t get him roused up; but once he bows his neck, he -can’t be neither coaxed nor drove.</p> - -<p>So then she got fighty, and said she never would live in such a -crazy-looking place, and he must uh been crazy to build it. And they -got to passing remarks back and forth, and pretty soon Ellis and me -took a sneak. We didn’t feel that we ought to be present at no such -domestic crisis. We went out and set in the kitchen, with our feet in -the oven, and waited for the returns; but we didn’t say much. Only -once I says: “Shooting-star sure needs killing, anyway, for bringing a -white woman into such a house and trying to make her gentle down and -stay here.”</p> - -<p>By and by she hollers for us, and we hot-footed into the parlor again. -She was still on the couch, setting squeezed into a corner with her -face covered up with her hands.</p> - -<p>“If you are <i>gentlemen</i>,” she says, kinda teary and trembly, “you’ll -help me get back to that little town, and away from this dreadful, -insane <i>person</i>, and this dreadful, insane place. And I hope the Lord -will forgive me for doing such a foolish thing as to marry him.”</p> - -<p>Ellis and me looked grave, and told her the team was still hooked up, -and we’d take her, if she insisted.</p> - -<p>Shooting-star laughed savage. “Yes, and yuh can’t take her a darned -bit too quick to suit me,” he grunts. “Anybody that can’t see the -beauty and comfort of this domicile, there’s sure something wrong with -that person’s head, and they can’t pull their freight too soon,” he -says, and walks, dignified, out into the kitchen. So Ellis and me -drove her back to Bent Willow; and seeing she didn’t have much -money—as we found out by questioning her artful—we borrowed fifty -dollars, and made her take it.</p> - -<p>That was sure a brief honeymoon—for she never come back. Her year uh -residence was up a couple uh months ago, and soon as it was, she sued -him for a divorce and fifty a month alimony, and <i>got it</i>. The court -come out and looked at the Hall uh Mirth, and went back and wrote out -the decree immediate. So now she’s back in Plumville, Illinois, living -comfortable off that fifty a month.</p> - -<p>And Shooting-star’s praying for good years and top prices for beef, -and cursing female women promiscous. And I notice he don’t make no -kick about the cooking.</p> - -<div class='tn'> - <p style='text-indent:0'>Transcriber’s Note: This story appeared in - the January 1907 issue of <i>The Popular Magazine</i>.</p> -</div> -<div style='display:block; margin-top:4em'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OBJECT, MATRIMONY ***</div> -<div style='text-align:left'> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will -be renamed. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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