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+
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #66823 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/66823)
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-The Project Gutenberg eBook of Wise Men and a Mule, by W. C. Tuttle
-
-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and
-most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
-whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms
-of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at
-www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you
-will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before
-using this eBook.
-
-Title: Wise Men and a Mule
-
-Author: W. C. Tuttle
-
-Release Date: November 26, 2021 [eBook #66823]
-
-Language: English
-
-Produced by: Roger Frank and Sue Clark
-
-*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WISE MEN AND A MULE ***
-
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                         WISE MEN AND A MULE
-
-                           by W. C. Tuttle
-
-      Author of “Tippecanoe and Cougars Two,” “Powder Law,” etc.
-
-
-“She’s the beautifulest story ever wrote. I tell yuh she’s a dinger,
-and I’m a heap in favor of showin’ it to the multitude, _ad lib_, also
-visibly.”
-
-“Magpie” Simpkins shifts his feet on the table and leans back in his
-chair, acting like he’s said something real smart.
-
-“The best ever told,” admits “Old Testament” Tilton. “I longs to see
-it portrayed piously and with feelin’ aforethought.”
-
-“But can she be done?” asks Wick Smith. “The time is short.”
-
-“Piperock can do anything she sets out to do,” states Magpie.
-
-“And everything else that could possibly happen between the time she
-starts and the time she finishes,” says I.
-
-“I figured it was about time for you to say something, Ike,” opines
-Magpie.
-
-Me and “Dirty Shirt” Jones wasn’t invited to this conference, but
-we’re there anyway. Buck Masterson, Wick Smith, Judge Steele, Old
-Testament and Magpie are the committee. Dirty said there’d likely be
-need of substitutes before the meeting had gone far, so we took it
-upon ourselves to attend.
-
-“Three wise men won’t be hard to find,” opines Buck.
-
-“Town’s full of ’em,” says Dirty. “Why stop at three?”
-
-“You’ve spoke your piece, Dirty,” states the judge.
-
-“We’ve got to have a star, ain’t we?” asks Buck.
-
-“Yeah, we sure have,” admits Wick.
-
-“Beyond the shadder of a doubt in my mind,” says the judge. “The star
-must be there, sheddin’ its effulgent rays across the desert, lightin’
-up the—uh—place, as it were. It’s goin’ to be hard to get a suitable
-camule or camules.”
-
-“Camule?” asks Buck. “Them humpbacked quadruples?”
-
-“Cam-el,” corrects Magpie. “Yeah, we’ve got to have one. We’ve got to
-have a lot of presents and——”
-
-“Who’s going to be Sandy Claws?” asks Dirty.
-
-“Nobody!” snaps Magpie. “Them things are out of date. We’re just
-steppin’ along ahead of them ancient has-beens, yuh betcha. Nobody can
-go home from this celebration and say we had the same old stuff.”
-
-“Be —— lucky if they has the use of their vocal cords ten days
-afterwards,” opines Dirty. “Piperock’s Merry Christmas has always
-knocked —— out of Happy New Year’s. I suppose you’ll frame up a death
-trap and charge us a dollar apiece to get butchered for a Piperock
-Holiday.”
-
-“This is goin’ to be free,” states Magpie.
-
-“Just like a suicide,” sighs Dirty.
-
-“Since when was you and Ike Harper invited to this meetin’?” asks
-Wick. “’Pears to me——”
-
-“We’re going out,” says I, “but before we erases ourselves from your
-presence we’d like to orate open and free that we will not be part,
-parcel nor accessory to anything pertaining to or being of a Piperock
-entertainment. We will not do this nor that, and neither will we do
-thus and so. We will toil not and neither will we spin to any extent.
-Our hearts are hard and our minds are made up like a mule’s.”
-
-“Better wait until you’re asked,” advises Magpie.
-
-“No trouble to sound a warning,” says Dirty Shirt.
-
-“You’d ask in vain, Magpie,” says I.
-
-“I am full of wisdom——”
-
-“Don’t argue with that animated flagpole,” says Dirty. “You never get
-no place talkin’ back to him, Ike.”
-
-Dirty was right. I might as well argue with the shadder of death,
-because Magpie can’t hear nothing but his own voice in a argument, and
-he knows he can hoodle me into places where an angel couldn’t find
-footing nor room to flop its wings.
-
-I’m sleeping real hard when Magpie comes home that night, and he
-proceeds to sit down on me, yanks my off ear and yells—
-
-“Ike!”
-
-I shoves him off and sets up, covering him with my gun.
-
-“Ike,” says he, sober-like, “what is there around here that looks the
-most like a ca-mel?”
-
-“It’s a neck-and-neck race between you and Maud S.”
-
-“Thanks.”
-
-                  *       *       *       *       *
-
-He takes off his clothes and goes to bed, kinda chuckling to himself.
-Maud S wasn’t no relation to the famous trotting mare of the same
-name, unless you figure back to the dim and distant past to the time
-when the devil got sore at a balky horse. He tried to haul it along by
-the ears, but the horse dug in his hoofs, the same of which stretched
-them ears a heap. When the devil saw what he’d done, he laughed. The
-horse, being kinda sore, ruined its vocal cords mocking the devil’s
-laugh. That’s how we got our first mule.
-
-Looking at Maud S from all angles I’d opine that she was the second
-mule.
-
-Maudie was long. I don’t think I ever seen so much mule all in one
-piece. Maud’s neck was long and looked like it might fall off any old
-time and bust her crop-eared head. Her feet never wore shoes, and the
-ends of her hoofs turned up like the ends of ski snowshoes. Maud was
-cock-eyed in her one glass-eye, and her heart was bitter toward
-mankind.
-
-Wick Smith owned her. He tried to sell her to a Piegan Indian, but the
-old buck got one look at her and said—
-
-_“Diaub seahhost! Klahowya!”_
-
-The same of which means—
-
-“Eyes of the devil! Good-by!”
-
-Of course Maud ain’t no cam-el, but she ain’t so danged far removed as
-yuh might think. The next morning Magpie gets a heap enthused over
-their meeting.
-
-“We sure planned out some _hy-iu_ festival. Goin’ to be great, Ike.
-Sacred, solemn and satisfactory from all points of the compass.”
-
-“Undertakingly speaking?”
-
-“Not this time. There ain’t going to be no guns allowed. Every puncher
-will have to leave his gun at the door. See the idea? Bill Thatcher
-says he won’t bring no orchestra, but we’ll have one just as good.
-Ricky Henderson has mastered the flute, and Wick Smith’s new drum is
-due here today.”
-
-“That’s a —— of a orchestra.”
-
-“Yeah? ‘Frenchy’ Deschamps fell out with Bill Thatcher, and he’s goin’
-to play his jew’s-harp in our orchestra. That makes three good pieces
-for our side, Ike.”
-
-“Tin whistle bass drum and a pheumonia noise.”
-
-“Mm-m-m-m, well, it won’t be no Suzer’s band, that’s a fact, but it’ll
-be music. Matilda Mudgett is going to sing something sacred, and Wick
-says that his wife wants to recite.”
-
-“Anything that Matilda could sing would seem sacred,” says I.
-
-“She could sing the ‘Lone Star Trail’ and make it sound like ‘Rock of
-Ages!’ Magpie, a face like hers would drive the evil from a burro’s
-soul.”
-
-“Uh—I almost forgot, Ike. You’re going to be a wise man.”
-
-“You’re danged well right I am. I’m going to be so wise that I won’t
-be within seven miles of here on Christmas Eve. I ain’t going to be
-wise—I’m wise right now.”
-
-“You and Dirty Shirt and Half Mile Smith.”
-
-“No-oo-o-o!”
-
-“If you’d rather have some other two men—get ’em, Ike. I’m leavin’
-that part of it to you.”
-
-“No-o-o-o! I won’t speak to nobody. I’m deaf and dumb. You and your
-entertainment can go plumb——”
-
-“Well, now that it’s all settled I feel better, Ike. You corral Dirty
-and Half Mile and bring ’em over to the Mint Hall tonight, and you’ll
-find out what you’ve got to do.”
-
-“Magpie Simpkins, for gosh sake——”
-
-“Ike, I’d tell yuh if I knowed, but I don’t. Old Testament knows just
-what you’ve got to do, so be patient.”
-
-I finds Dirty Shirt in Buck’s place, and he’s inoculated against
-rattlesnakes. Dirty is bow-legged and cock-eyed, and wouldn’t be no
-beauty if he wasn’t. I tells him what has come to pass, and he listens
-close-like. Then he steps inside, yanks out his six-gun, and rings the
-little bell on top of the Mint Hall three times in a row. Then he puts
-his gun back and cocks his eye at me.
-
-“I ain’t drunk, that’s a cinch. Mebbe my hearin’ is weak, Ike. Say
-that all over again, will yuh?”
-
-I explains once more. Dirty nods foolish-like.
-
-“Sounded the same both times, Ike. What does a wise man have to do?”
-
-“I don’t know, Dirty. We’ll find Half Mile and then they’ll explain it
-to us.”
-
-“Half Mile’s in jail. He shot three times at ‘Scenery’ Sims, and
-Scenery put him in jail for it. Here comes Scenery now.”
-
-                  *       *       *       *       *
-
-There ain’t no description to fit Scenery, except that he’s about five
-feet tall and his voice squeaks and his mustache only grows at the
-corners of his big mouth, like the whiskers on a bobcat. He continues
-to be our sheriff, because nobody has took the time to kill him,
-except some poor shot, like Half Mile.
-
-We explains the proposition to Scenery, and asks him will he let Half
-Mile be a wise man.
-
-“How about me?” asks Scenery. “Half Mile ain’t got no sense. I studied
-ellie-cu-shun oncet, and I’ve got a lot of natural sense about things
-like that.”
-
-“We don’t give a ——,” says Dirty Shirt, “only we wants to die in good
-company, Scenery.”
-
-“Bein’ the sheriff I’ll see that they don’t get rough.”
-
-“Since when has a sheriff been able to intimidate these Yaller Rock
-snake hunters?” I asks. “The sight of you up there, Scenery, would be
-like wavin’ a red rag at a bull.”
-
-“Nawsir,” squeaks Scenery. “And besides they ain’t goin’ to be allowed
-to bring in no guns, so the judge tells me.”
-
-You can’t argue with no tin whistle like that, so we takes him with us
-to our cabin, where we finds Magpie, Old Testament and the judge. We
-explains that Half Mile is in jail and that Scenery is desirous to be
-wise. Magpie says:
-
-“That’s all right, if he keeps his mouth shut, but we don’t want no
-wise man with a squeaky voice. We’ll let Ike speak all the words what
-is spoke.”
-
-“I can talk,” says Dirty Shirt, “and I’ve studied ellie-cu-shun. I can
-make gestures, y’betcha.”
-
-“We ain’t usin’ none in this ta-blew, Dirty,” states the judge.
-
-“She’s to be pulled off almost in the dark, bein’ as she’s a night
-pitcher, and gestures ain’t goin’ to do nothin’ but mebbe ruin the
-thing. You hang onto your gestures and let nature take her course.”
-
-“Talk ain’t much without yuh gestures,” complains Dirty.
-
-“Your talk wouldn’t be much with ’em!” snaps Magpie. “Shut up.”
-
-“If you knowed anythin’ about ellie-cu-shun, you’d ——”
-
-“If you’re goin’ to be a wise man, Scenery,” says Magpie, soft-like,
-“you’ll practise up right now by keepin’ your —— mouth shut. _Sabe?_
-Go ahead and gesture if yuh want to, but keep still.”
-
-“Well, if I can’t talk, I won’t, but jist the same—”
-
-“Stop!” howls Magpie. “Scenery, if you don’t shut up you’ll never live
-to run for office again.”
-
-“I ain’t goin’ to run again,” says Scenery. “I wouldn’t have the job
-again.”
-
-“Judge,” says Magpie, “we’ll let a certain few bring their guns inside
-the hall. Now, let’s get down to business. Is Pete Gonyer makin’ the
-star?”
-
-“Moon. He had a round piece of glass, but he says there ain’t no
-danged way he can cut a star. Moon will do as well, won’t it?”
-
-“If we can’t get a star; but the Bible says they followed a star.”
-
-“Yaller Rock county won’t never know that,” says Dirty. “Not if yuh
-don’t tell em.”
-
-“We’re having the stage built twice as big, and then we’ll put dirt
-over the boards so it will look like a desert. We’ll have a curtain
-built along two sides and the back, and we’ve got to have them stairs
-braced up a little before we can bring Maud S up into the hall.”
-
-“Is Maud S comin’ to the show?” asks Dirty.
-
-“She’s the ca-mel,” explains Magpie. “Goin’ to fix up some humps on
-her back and yuh never could tell her from a ca-mel. _Sabe?_”
-
-“Suppose she brays?” says Scenery.
-
-“Suppose she gestures?” says Dirty. “My ——, but a mule can gesture.”
-
-“Maud S ain’t got a kick left in her old carcass,” grins Magpie.
-
-Just then Muley Bowles and Chuck Warner shows up, and joins us.
-
-“Hear you’re goin’ to celebrate Christmas,” says Chuck, wiggling his
-ears.
-
-“Want the Cross J quartet to sing?”
-
-“Nope,” says Magpie. “This is goin’ to be a sanitary proceedin’, and
-there ain’t goin’ to be nothin’ done that might incite violence. We’re
-just as much obliged as though you burned your shirt, Chuck.”
-
-“We’d sure be willing to help your ceremony,” says Muley. “We’d sing
-free gratis for nothin’, without chargin’ you a cent.”
-
-“Nope. I ain’t got nothin’ against you your punchers—not as individual
-human beings, but——”
-
-“I gets your meanin’, Magpie,” says Chuck. “The Cross J ain’t good
-enough for your danged old half-baked celebration, eh? Our harmonious
-voices don’t fit into your blasted old program-me. We has suffered and
-bled that Piperock might make a success of their unusual doings, but
-from now on we don’t do a danged thing to help yuh out. Your tone of
-voice is a insult to four of the best singers in Yaller Rock county.”
-
-“I’m glad you understand what I meant,” says Magpie, mean-like. Muley
-and Chuck turns around and beats it for town.
-
-“I reckon you know best, Magpie, but them four Cross J go-devils might
-do us wrong. Yuh might ’a’ let ’em sing one song,” opines Testament.
-
-“Let’s get back to the ca-mel,” suggests Magpie.
-
-“Let’s get away from Maud S,” says Dirty Shirt.
-
-Then cometh Tellurium Woods, the danged old bald-headed bunch of wind.
-He’s got a grin on his face.
-
-                  *       *       *       *       *
-
-“I got a idea,” says he. “I’ll be Sandy Claws.”
-
-“Where did yuh get it?” asks Magpie. “This is a Sandy Claw-less
-Christmas.”
-
-“Aw-w-w, yuh can’t do that,” wails Tellurium. “Whatcha tryin’ to
-do—put the celebration on the bum? Here’s the idea: I’ll dress up like
-Sandy Claws, and when everybody is there and the program is about over
-we’ll have Wick at the door. _Sabe?_ Somebody will give him messages
-from Sandy Claws. Each message will show that he’s that much closer.
-Everybody gets excited, don’t yuh see, and at the right time I comes
-in. Fine, eh?”
-
-“I seconds the motion,” says the judge, “I remember when I was a
-kid——”
-
-“I thirds it,” states Testament. “She’s a pious method, Tellurium.
-Beats having Sandy come down the chimbley.”
-
-“Well,” says Magpie, weary-like, “go ahead and do what yuh like, but I
-want this tab-lew to be just like I sees it. Testament, will yuh look
-up something for the wise men to say, and how we wants ’em to dress?”
-
-“Yea, verily I will, Magpie.”
-
-“I can make me some whiskers out of a horse’s tail,” says Tellurium.
-
-“I hope the horse sees yuh takin’ them,” says Magpie.
-
-Then the meeting broke up, and we adjourned to Buck’s place.
-
-Scenery is tickled stiff to think he’s goin’ to be a actor, but I
-ain’t cheering—yet. Me and Dirty Shirt are veterans in this acting
-game, and we knows it takes nerve, speed and a strong constitution.
-
-The old Romans and their wild animal arena never had nothing of
-Piperock. She’s a place where milk comes in tin cans, and the only
-honey is what the sand-hornets puts up for their own use. Her motto
-is:
-
-“Hurrah for ——! Who’s afraid of a little fire?”
-
-In Buck’s place we finds Muley and Chuck, and pretty soon Telescope
-Tolliver and Henry Peck comes in, which makes the Cross J quartet
-complete.
-
-“They won’t let us sing, Telescope,” says Muley, sad-like.
-
-“They won’t?” says Telescope, surprized. “Won’t let us sing?”
-
-“Not a note. Not only that but they insults us a heap.”
-
-“Well,” says Henry Peck. “Well, the nerve of the pelicans.”
-
-“Don’t blame us,” says Dirty Shirt. “We ain’t got a danged thing to do
-with it—not even the disposition of our own re-mains after the
-massacree is over.”
-
-“They won’t let us sing,” repeats Telescope. “Whatcha know about
-that?”
-
-“Not even sing free,” admits Chuck, wiggling his ears real fast. “It
-ain’t reasonable. Why, they won’t have no music a-tall. Bill
-Thatcher’s orchestra ain’t comin’. Bill said it cost him a new bull
-fiddle and a drum every time he played here, and he’s savin’ up to buy
-a slip-horn.”
-
-“You ought to be glad,” says Dirty Shirt. “You sure ought to, boys.”
-
-“It’s a insult to harmony,” says Telescope. “We’ve almost got to the
-point where we can sing ‘Tentin’ Tonight,’ with variations, and our
-‘Sweet Marie’ sure does make the shivers run up your spine. ‘Jay Bird’
-Whittaker says it’s got anything beat he ever heard since he busted
-the ear tubes of his talkin’ machine.”
-
-“What kind of a act does you perform, Dirty?” asks Hen Feck.
-
-“I portrays Wisdom,” says Dirty. “There’s three of us, Hennery, three
-of a kind against a full house.”
-
-“Wisdom,” proclaims Muley, “Wisdom consists of more than three things,
-Dirty. No three men can portray wisdom.”
-
-“We’re goin’ to give her a try, Muley. Me and Ike and Scenery.”
-
-“Wisdom—!” grunts Telescope. “You three?”
-
-“And Maud S,” adds Dirty, sad-like.
-
-“Oh,” says Chuck. “Oh, yeah. Well, mebbe you’ll get away with it.”
-
-According to all we can find out, Christmas is the time of peace on
-earth and plenty of good-will to everybody. She’s a time when the lion
-and the lamb lies down together, and the cowpuncher forgets that there
-is such a thing as a sheep-herder. It’s a time when men’s hearts are
-filled with love toward their fellermen, and a six-shooter is only a
-ornament; a time, when you can say, “Yoo-hoo” to a horse-thief,
-without expecting to grab a harp the next minute.
-
-“Yea, verily,” as Testament says. “It is a time when grown men become
-like little children. Yeah, that’s a fact—mentally. Piperock ain’t got
-any too much sense when she’s acting growed up; but right now—huh!”
-
-                  *       *       *       *       *
-
-There ain’t no reason why a lot of disreputable snake-hunters can’t
-spend their Christmas in Paradise or Curlew; but they don’t. Nope.
-They clutters up Piperock to partake of our good cheer. Me and Dirty
-looks over that aggregation of incompetents, and the sight drives all
-wisdom, peace and good will from our hearts.
-
-“Big Foot” Forrest, “Cactus” Collins, “Mex” Mason, “Pole-Cat” Perkins,
-“Haw” Harris, et cettery, running the gamut of undesirable
-horse-thieves. “Hassayampa” Harris, who is a uncle of “Haw,” brings
-his bunch of hard-boiled punchers over from Curlew, and Mike Pelly
-heads the aggregation of incompetents from Paradise.
-
-The Seven A, Triangle, Five Dot, Circle C and the Cross J all cometh
-to hive up in Piperock and partake of the Christmas cheer, and
-everything else that might come to pass. They’ve got the Mint Hall
-decorated for the occasion, and so forth. They built the stage out
-until she’s about twenty feet square, and about five feet high.
-
-A couple of horse-thieves, who studied art in the penitentiary,
-painted the scenery. It’s canvas hung at the back of the stage, and
-they painted it black and put on a lot of white stars. Sticking in the
-middle of the canvas is kind of a lantern rigging, with a round glass
-in it and a lamp inside.
-
-“That’s the moon,” explains Magpie. “When this is pulled off that will
-be the only visible light. _Sabe?_ Desert, yuh understand? We’re goin’
-to put some rocks and a bunch of cactus on the stage.”
-
-“What do we do?” squeaks Scenery.
-
-“You will be asleep,” explains Testament. “The lamp will be turned low
-and have a cover over it. Everything will be still. I’ll have somebody
-behind the curtain to take off the cover of the moon, and slowly turn
-up the lamp. One of you wise men wakes up and sees the dim light. You
-wakes up the rest of the bunch, and you all stands up, looking at the
-light.
-
-“Then you—Magpie. I reckon we better have the mule layin’ down, hadn’t
-we? Well, you wakes up the mule, and then you all starts walking
-slow-like toward the back of the stage, and then we drops the curtain.
-That’s all there is to it.”
-
-“We’ll have to throw that mule,” opines Wick. “Better hawg-tie it,
-too, and let somebody cut the ropes when they’re ready to go. The
-humps are all ready to be cinched on.”
-
-“What do we wear?” I asks.
-
-“My wife is makin’ the costumes out of gunny-sacks,” says Wick.
-
-“We’ve got to have something what looks like presents,” opines
-Testament. “I’ve got a picture, which shows a lot of vases and stuff
-like that.”
-
-“My wife’s got some stuff that will be just the cheese,” says Wick.
-“We’ll use some of her chiny vases.”
-
-“What do we have to say?” asks Scenery.
-
-“Ike will do the sayin’,” says Magpie. “He’ll be the one what wakes up
-first and he will say—uh—what was it, Testament?”
-
-“Lo, there shineth a bright light. Let’s go to it.”
-
-“My——!” gasps Dirty Shirt, pious-like. “But save the wimmin and
-children first.”
-
-“It’s sure goin’ to be a wonderful thing, and will teach a moral,”
-says Testament.
-
-“Yes,” says I. “And the moral is: Let well enough alone.”
-
-“I’d ought to say them words,” squeaks Scenery. “I think a thing like
-that needs appropriate gestures, and I’ve studied——”
-
-“Might be better,” says Wick. “Gestures helps a lot. Remember Willyum
-Jennins Bryan, when he was preachin’ fer silver. If Scenery would sort
-of loosen up his vocal cords a little——”
-
-“Let him say ’em,” says I. “I’d hate to pass out with them words on my
-lips. Scenery, you’re elected.”
-
-“All right,” squeaks Scenery. “I’ll study up my ellie-cushun a little.
-Feller gets kinda rusty, you know it.”
-
-“Yeah,” admits Magpie, “and kinda squeaks. You don’t need study—you
-need some kerosene and then a application of axle-grease, Scenery.”
-
-The next morning we took Maud S up the steps into the hall, and I’m
-here to say that Maud S made life miserable for us. A mule is hard to
-argue with on the level, but try getting one half-way up a stairs and
-have it stop to think. We took Maud S in sitting down, bucked her onto
-the stage, where she lays down and refuses to get up.
-
-“Fine!” says Wick. We “won’t have to hawg-tie her.”
-
-“Stage fright,” opines Magpie.
-
-“Safety first,” says I. “Animals have instincts, and hers is to get
-below the line of fire.”
-
-Me and Dirty meets the Cross J quartet, and they’re getting cheerful.
-
-“No,” says Muley, “we ain’t goin’ to no celebrashun. They have done us
-dirt and we sickens to our soul at their per-fid-i-tee.”
-
-“Sheveral per-fid-i-tees,” nods Telescope. “Group aroun’ me while we
-shing a shong of gladness over the merry Chris’mas time. All together
-now:
-
-    “Oh, the coyote said, I’m better than a puncher,
-      With a gun that goes blam, blam!
-    He may die and go up to heaven,
-      But his skin ain’t worth a ——”
-
-“You sure does get into the Christmas spirit,” opines Dirty. “That’s
-one of the sweetest things I ever heard.”
-
-                  *       *       *       *       *
-
-Then I calls Dirty outside, and I says to him, like this:
-
-“Dirty, me and you have got to stay sober. A drunk ain’t goin’ to have
-no chance a-tall in there if anything goes wrong. If we hangs around
-with them celebratin’ shorthorns we won’t be in no shape to get up and
-foller that star. We’ll be just like Maud S, which can’t or won’t get
-up.”
-
-“That’s right, Ike. We’ll get a couple of quarts for ourselves and
-keep away from them hard drinkers. Don’t yuh reckon Maud S will get up
-at the right time?”
-
-“She’s plumb rooted, Dirty.”
-
-“Uh-huh. I know how to do it, Ike. Come on.”
-
-Dirty went over to Wick’s store, and later on I meets him; and we goes
-up to my cabin.
-
-We’ve got them two quarts of hooch, so we has quite a little time of
-our own, waiting until the afternoon gets to the sere and yaller leaf.
-I wakes up and finds Dirty with flour all over his clothes, but he
-won’t tell what he’s trying to do.
-
-Magpie hunts us up and acts peevish toward us.
-
-“Gosh a’mighty,” he complains. “Ain’t yuh got no sense? We’re tryin’
-to re-hearse and you fellers hide out down here. Come on.”
-
-We just gets to the door, when we meets Muley Bowles.
-
-“F’r th’ lasht time—do we shing?” asks Muley.
-
-“You do not!” declares Magpie. “I thought you knowed that, Muley.”
-
-“May you resht in peash,” says Muley. “May your anchestors rise up and
-mock you for bein’ a —— fool. Autographically schpeakin’:
-
-    “May your hair wear out
-      And your nose break off
-    And your teeth shake loose
-      From whoopin’ cough.
-
-“Thish is the best wishes of your friend Muley Bowels, E-squire,
-December twenty-fourth.”
-
-“Tha’s good,” says Dirty. “That’s fine. Roshes are blue, vi’lets are
-pink—uh—no, that ain’t it. Vi’lets are red and roshes are blue—Haw!
-Haw! Haw! No knife can cut our love up. Haw! Haw! Haw!”
-
-“Why don’t you say something, Ike?” asks Magpie. “You’re just as drunk
-as they are.”
-
-“Yeah, but I’m mean drunk, Magpie. There ain’t nothin’ flowery about
-me. I ain’t in no mood to wish whoopin’ cough nor violets on mine
-enemies. Let’s go.”
-
-“Sufferin’ sun-fish!” grunts Magpie. “Look at Rip Van Winkle.”
-
-“It’s me—Tellurium,” says the apparition. “Don’t I look it?”
-
-He sure did. He’s got a old bear-skin overcoat on, and about three
-strings of sleigh-bells around his waist. He’s got a stove-pipe hat on
-his head and on his chin is a bunch of whiskers made from the tail of
-a white horse. Personally, I think he’s the dangest-looking thing I
-ever saw.
-
-“Well,” says Magpie, “you sure look it, Tellurium, but I’m danged if I
-know what you do look like.”
-
-“Sandy Claws,” says Tellurium, proud-like. “I’m him. Come up to show
-you what can be done when you’ve got the ambition.”
-
-“Sandy Claws?” says Magpie. “No, no Tellurium. Sandy Claws don’t look
-like that. What do yuh want to do—scare folks? You look like a cross
-between a item of natural hist’ry and a smallpox germ.”
-
-“I comes into the program as a sort of special thing,” says Tellurium.
-
-“No,” says Magpie, “not into my program, Tellurium. You better go out
-and scare coyotes with that outfit. I ain’t using no Sandy Clawses
-anyway.”
-
-“I’ve went to a lot of trouble,” complains Tellurium.
-
-“So’ve we,” says Muley. “He won’t let us shing, and now he don’t want
-no Sandy Clawses.”
-
-“I’d make a good one, too,” says Tellurium.
-
-“Yeah, you would—not,” says Magpie. “I’d just as soon see a wild bull
-come in there dressed like that, Tellurium. You’d ruin the show, you
-know it.”
-
-“Let’s not talk to him,” says Muley. “He has no soul, Tellurium.
-
-“He won’t let us shing. Nossir. No Sandy Claws, no shongs—where’s your
-ol’ Christmas?”
-
-“Come on, Ike,” says Magpie. “Let ’em wail. I’m goin’ to pull off one
-show that Piperock can be proud of, yuh bet your life.”
-
-                  *       *       *       *       *
-
-We went up to Mint Hall. Mrs. Smith and Matilda Mudgett are there,
-sort of strutting around like a pair of fool-hens. Ricky Henderson,
-Wick Smith and Frenchy Deschamps are there, fixing their orchestra
-seats. Wick’s new drum is there, and he’s some proud of it.
-
-“Mr. Harper,” says Matilda, “have you ever heard ‘Spring, Lovely
-Spring’?”
-
-“Not since last April,” says I.
-
-“We are going to render it tonight,” says she.
-
-“We?”
-
-“Me and Mrs. Smith. She has a lovely alto.”
-
-I goes over and talks to Ricky.
-
-“Ricky, you knows something about music—what is a alto?”
-
-Ricky thinks deep for a while, and then he says:
-
-“Ike, did yuh ever let out a whoop, and then hear the same whoop come
-back to yuh? That’s it?”
-
-“I thought that was a echo.”
-
-“Yeah, sure; but that’s only when yuh hear one reply. Sabe? When yuh
-hears two replies—that’s alto. It’s a Hungarian word, which means
-two.”
-
-“What does it mean when you hears more than two?”
-
-“That’s basso profundo, Ike.”
-
-“I thinks Maud S is paralyzed,” complains Wick. “She don’t seem to
-have no use of her legs.”
-
-“For this we offer much thanks,” says Dirty.
-
-“But she’s got to get up and go with yuh,” says Wick. “You can’t leave
-her layin’ there on the stage.”
-
-“She’ll get up,” declares Dirty. “I know a lot about mules. Lemme
-alone and don’t worry about Maud S.”
-
-“There ain’t much use of rehearsin’,” squeaks Scenery; “I’m the main
-thing up there, and I’ve studied my gestures a-plenty, and I know the
-words fine.”
-
-“We’ve got to put the humps on Maud S,” says Wick. “We can hang some
-stuff over the humps, so nobody will know she ain’t a cam-el. You know
-how they does in a circus, Magpie?”
-
-Me and Dirty, not wishful to get the least hazy, decides to buy us
-some more bottle cheer, instead of carousing around with the common
-herd, and we communes with each other in my cabin, until the shades of
-night have come down upon us. Then we finds our way back to the hall.
-We’ve got a full audience—in more ways than one. Doughgod Smith has
-been appointed door-keeper and he annexes our guns as we goes in.
-
-“Yuh can’t take your guns in with yuh,” he states. “Them is orders.”
-
-He’s got a lot of belts and holsters, but few guns hanging on a hook.
-Dirty looks ’em over and picks out a good-looking gun, which he shoves
-down inside his waistband.
-
-“Them orders don’t say yuh can’t pack a strange gun, do they?”
-
-“Not my orders,” says Doughgod. “They tell me not to let any man in
-with his gun, that’s all. You ain’t settin’ no precedent, Dirty. I
-reckon every man in the hall is packin’ a strange gun, but there’s one
-satisfaction—they can’t shoot more than six time per each, ’cause I’ve
-got all their extra ammunition.”
-
-I picks out an old decrepid .44, and goes inside the hall. I looks
-over that congregation and I can’t see where Doughgod had any reasons
-for being cheerful. There’s at least a hundred men in there, which
-means six hundred shots, which is usually plenty and sufficient.
-
-The reward notices are sure well represented, and you could just about
-lynch the whole bunch and not make any mistake.
-
-We finds the acting talent behind the curtain. Scenery is all dressed
-up in a gunny-sack gown, with a ribbon tied around his head and no
-boots on. He’s making gestures like a prize-fighter.
-
-“My ——!” gasps Dirty. “Would yuh look at that?” Scenery jerks one fist
-outward and upward, swings the other arm behind him, like he was
-guarding his rear, and then squeaks:
-
-“Lo, there shineth a bright light. Let’s go to it.”
-
-“Mark an X after Scenery Sims,” says Dirty. “He won’t last.”
-
-We goes over where Wick is looking at Maud S. She’s still laying down
-and don’t act like she’s ever get up again.
-
-“’Fraid she’s on her last legs,” says Wick. “Yessir, I reckon we’re
-goin’ to lose Maudie.”
-
-“’Fraid?” snorts Mrs. Smith. “That de-eared hay-hound? Let her die.”
-
-“Not until she’s been a ca-mel, maw,” says Wick, and then he goes out
-to set down beside his new drum.
-
-Dirty sets down beside Maud S and takes her head in his lap.
-
-“Ain’t the Cross J quartet going to sing?” asks Matilda.
-
-Old Testament shakes his head.
-
-“Nope. They got mad—them and Tellurium. They all went home.”
-
-“Tweet, tweet, tweet,” goes the flute.
-
-“Bum! Bum! Bum!” goes the drum.
-
-“Whar-r-r-oo-o-o-o-o-m-m-m-m,” goes the jew’s-harp.
-
-“The orchestra is tunin’ up,” observes Dirty. “We ain’t got long to
-live, Ike.”
-
-                  *       *       *       *       *
-
-Then old Judge Steele steps out through the curtain, and the hum of
-conversation dies down.
-
-“Feller citizens and ladies,” says the judge, “the first thing on the
-program is a du-it. Miss Mudgett is going to sing ‘Spring, Lovely
-Spring,’ with the kind assistance of Mrs. Smith. This here is a
-soup-ranner and alter du-it. We asks yuh to bear with the orchestra to
-the limit of your patience, as this is their first appearance
-together.”
-
-“Who?” asks Big Foot Forrest.
-
-“All of ’em. They’re acquainted, but that’s about all you can say for
-’em. All right, Wick—let her go.”
-
-“Tweet, tweet, tweet! Bum, bum, bum, bum! Whar-r-r-oo-o-o-m-m-m-m!”
-
-Mrs. Smith and Matilda goes out through the curtain. Somebody laughs
-out loud and then comes a thud.
-
-“All right—go ahead,” says Hair Oil Heppner’s voice. “Big Foot thought
-he saw somethin’ funny, but he’s forgot what it was.”
-
-The song starts and this is how she sounds:
-
-“Tweet, bum, Spree-e-e-hing, lovely spree-e-e-hing, tweet, tweet, bum,
-whar-r-r-oo-o-m, Spree-e-hing, Spree-e-e-hing, bum, bum, kerong-g-g-g,
-tweet, tweet.
-
-“You cree-e-e-heep o’er me-e-e-adhows be-e-e-e-right,
-whar-r-r-room-m-m, bum, bum, tweet, tweet, o’er me-e-e-adhows
-be-e-e-right, bum, bum, bum, tweet, tweedle, wharoom, whar-r-r-oom——”
-
-“Whoa, Blaze!”
-
-I whirls just in time to see Magpie get kicked behind the knees by
-Maud S, who is laying down. She must ’a’ just sort of cramped herself
-and then let fly with both hoofs.
-
-Magpie turns plumb over and goes out through the curtain and right
-into Mrs. Smith, who is straining over “be-e-e-right;” and when they
-hit the platform she’s on top.
-
-“From Spring to Fall!” yelps Mex Mason.
-
-Mrs. Smith gets off poor Magpie, and lets out a wail:
-
-“O-o-o-o-o-o-oh! Every time I try to do something, some hammer-head
-comes bustin’ along and spoils it!”
-
-“Did you hit her on purpose?” demands Wick, standing up.
-
-“Your —— mule—” begins Magpie, foolish-like.
-
-“You done it on purpose!” howls Mrs. Smith.
-
-Wick believed her, I reckon, cause he throwed his drum stick right at
-poor Magpie. It was a good shot. It came right through the hole in the
-curtain and it hit Judge Steele on the bridge of his nose. The old boy
-sort of got dignified acting.
-
-“Wonderful,” says Dirty. “Wonderful cons’tution.”
-
-The judge just walks around the stage, making gestures and working his
-lips, but there ain’t no words. Pretty soon he stops, seems to listen,
-and then he says, soft-like: “Guilty? Why, gentlemen, that man is as
-innocent as a new-born baby.”
-
-“Knocked back seven years,” says Dirty, awed-like. “That’s what he
-said the time he was my lawyer, and that was seven years ago.”
-
-The crowd out in front are talking loud, and I know danged well that
-there’s going to be trouble if we don’t keep going. Mrs. Smith comes
-waddling in, follered by Matilda and Magpie.
-
-Mrs. Smith is sore as a boil.
-
-“I will not sing another note,” she declares. “Every time I start to
-do anything in public——”
-
-“Maud S is getting restless,” states Scenery. “We better pull off our
-act.”
-
-“Can yuh get her up at the right time, Dirty?” asks Magpie.
-
-“Get things set, and I’ll do my dangest.”
-
-Then they cleared everybody away, while we got ready. Me and Dirty and
-Scenery are all dressed in them gunny-sack gowns, and have got our
-boots off.
-
-They’ve got a big bunch of cactus and a lot of rocks, which they puts
-around to make it look like a desert. Pete Gonyer is behind the back
-curtain, ready to take the cover off the moon, and then turn up the
-lamp. Maud S is making funny noises in her throat, but Dirty is
-setting on her head.
-
-“What’s the matter with her?” I asks.
-
-“Speed-crazy,” grins Dirty.
-
-“Get ready,” says Magpie. “Now, for gosh sakes, make this look real.”
-
-They blew out all the lights except one in the back of the room, and
-then pulled the curtain.
-
-“What does she represent—a load of dirt?” asks Pole-Cat Perkins.
-
-“That’s a —— of a thing to ride thirty miles to see,” opines “Windy”
-Wilkins.
-
-“Where is the moon?” squeaks Scenery, in a whisper. “Pete, where in ——
-are yuh?”
-
-“Aw, ——!” groans Pete. “Magpie, did yuh turn out this lamp?”
-
-“It was lit when I left there!” snaps Magpie. “You must ’a’ blowed on
-it.”
-
-“I never blowed on nothin’!”
-
-“Haw! Haw! Haw!” roars Art Miller. “This is one funny game. Like a
-minstrel show. Pete, ask him why he thinks yuh blowed on it.”
-
-                  *       *       *       *       *
-
-Comes a little bit of light, and I feels Scenery climb to his feet.
-There he stands in the gloom, pointing up and down and sidewise, and
-then he squeaks:
-
-“Lo, there bringth a slight—uh—slineth a bite—I mean—a—a—lineth
-a—let’s go to it—uh—to it.”
-
-“Haw! Haw! Haw!” howls somebody. “Pete Gonyer’s lightin’ the moon!”
-
-I turns and takes a look. There is Pete at the back of the stage. He’s
-got the cover off the moon, and is trying to get the old lamp to
-light.
-
-“Dang it!” he howls. “I’ve turned the wick plumb into the bottom!”
-
-“Whoa, Maud!” howls Dirty. “Help me hold her, Ike!”
-
-I turns, and there is Maud S standing on her hind legs, and, as I
-look, them humps, which wasn’t well cinched, being as she was laying
-down at the time, swing down and just about fill up all the space
-between her front and hind legs.
-
-“Ho-hold her!” wails Dirty; but Maud S thinks she’s a circus animal.
-
-Hold her? Man, that mule, after all these years, found out that she
-had authority to go to some place. She waltzes around a couple of
-times, busts a hole in the stage and falls over backwards into the
-orchestra.
-
-Wick Smith falls over backwards, pulling his new drum over with him,
-thereby saving his part of the orchestra.
-
-“Whoo-o-o-ee! Pow-w-w-w-der Ri-i-ver!” yowls a puncher, and a circle
-of chairs lands around Maud S, trying to block her, but Maud S ain’t
-to be stopped.
-
-She bucked plumb over the top of Wick Smith, and that drum rattled
-against her heels.
-
-Zowie! She telescoped and lifted that drum with both hind feet. Dirty
-Shirt was just going to jump off the stage to attack her from the
-rear, and that drum caught him in midair. Dirty comes plumb back onto
-the stage and lands setting down in that bed of cactus. The drum hit
-me in the knees, and I went plumb over the top of it and dug my chin
-into the desert.
-
-When I got my senses again I sees that about seven punchers have hold
-of Maud S, and are trying to hold her.
-
-“Lights!” yelps Wick. “Light some lamps. My ——, my drum is busted!”
-
-“—— your old drum!” howls Dirty Shirt, standing on the stage, trying
-to lift the seat of his pants loose from himself.
-
-“O-o-o-o-oh, the tab-lew is ruined!” wails Mrs. Smith.
-
-Everybody helped light the lamps, and then we stands and looks at each
-other. Maud S looks like her course was about run, but them punchers
-don’t take any chances.
-
-“Sandy Claws has come!” yells a voice at the door, and we all takes a
-look. I never seen anything like that apparition. It’s a two-year old
-steer, wearing a bear-skin overcoat, with a string of sleigh-bells
-around it, and on the lower lip of the danged animal is Tellurium
-Wood’s false whiskers, and over one horn is that tall hat. The steer
-is about half way into the hall when we see it coming, and its tail is
-twisted over its back. Around its mouth is twisted a rope, which is
-yanked off as it humps into the door.
-
-“Ba-a-a-rr!” blats that steer, like it hurt all over, and right up
-that room it comes, romping regardless of life or limb.
-
-I know it was Chuck’s voice that yelled—
-
-“Sandy Claws has come.”
-
-“Ho-o-old fast!” yells a puncher, and just then the steer lams into
-poor Maud S, scattering the punchers. Hair Oil Heppner tries to
-bulldog that locoed animal, but he might as well ’a’ tried to bulldog
-a box-car.
-
-Then Maud S gets enervated again, and things begin to boil a-plenty.
-
-“Ba-a-a-a-w!” bawls the steer.
-
-“Ha-a-a-a-w!” sings Maud, and the both of them starts gamboling toward
-the stage.
-
-“Git ba-a-a-ck!” yowls Pete Gonyer. “Daw-w-w-gone yuh, git back!”
-
-Rip-i-i-p! The steer gets its horns into the curtain, rips about
-twenty feet of it loose, and starts to climb the stage.
-
-Crash! The moon went down, and the danged old oil lamp inside
-exploded.
-
-“Fire! Fire!” howls Judge Steele, and then he picks up that blazing
-moon and whales away at the steer with it.
-
-Clank! The judge was left-handed, which might account for the poor
-throwing, but he got his feet tangled in some of that loose curtain
-and hit Scenery Sims right in the head with that heavy moon.
-
-Bang! Somebody took a shot at the steer and knocked several bells, and
-one of them danged bells hit me in the nose. I hate to get hit in the
-nose with a bell. I hates to get hit in the nose with anything, but I
-sure does detest a bell. I can see folks going out of the door as fast
-as they can travel. I seen Hair Oil climbing onto poor Maud S, and
-then my time is all taken up with that danged steer.
-
-All this stuff is taking place a lot faster than I can tell it. I
-bulldogged that steer. It was the first steer I ever tried to bulldog,
-and if all future steers will keep away from me it will be the last.
-
-                  *       *       *       *       *
-
-I hooked onto his horns just in time to feel my feet dangle off the
-edge of the stage, the same of which helped my act quite a lot. The
-steer upends from my weight, and me and that steer landed into a
-jumble of chairs, and over the top of us goes Maud S, celebrating her
-second childhood by making Hair Oil pull leather.
-
-The few remaining folks in the hall sort of celebrates by taking some
-shots at the lights, the same of which makes our immediate future
-kinda gloomy.
-
-“Lo, I see a bright light!” squeals Scenery’s voice.
-
-“Sus-sunfish, you crop-eared coyote!” yells Hair Oil, and then comes a
-crash of glass.
-
-“My ——!” yells Magpie. “She throwed Hair Oil out of the window! Where
-are you, Ike?”
-
-“Keep away!” I yells. “I’m paralyzed all the way down from my upper
-lip and I don’t know whether me or the steer is on top.”
-
-“Paralyzed —— ——!” howls Dirty. “Wish I was. Who in —— got the idea of
-puttin’ cactus on the stage?”
-
-“Look out for that mule!” yelps Magpie, and I looks up at the dim
-figure of that locoed mule, almost over me. I yanks away from my steer
-and the steer yanks right with me. Under ordinary conditions I’d ’a’
-been able to get away, but I’ve got one leg through a string of them
-sleigh-bells, and when that steer starts for the door, Ike Harper
-E-squire went right along—on the back of his neck.
-
-I hooked a lot of chairs on my way, kinda trying to impede the hoofs
-of progress, but that scared steer made funny little noises and keeps
-going. There’s a lantern hung at the head of the stairs, and I reckon
-the steer was hunting for light.
-
-Just before we hits the top of the stairs I hears a strain of quartet
-music:
-
-“Tentin’ to-o-o-o-night, tentin’ to-o-o——”
-
-Crash!
-
-We hit the doorway with our assortment of furniture, and the next
-thing I know I’m amid more feller mortals and we’re all traveling the
-downward path. I sees some red, white and blue lights, and I’m loose.
-I reckon the bell strap busted. I gets to my feet, dodging stars and
-other aerial impediments, when the stairs almost shakes out from under
-me, and I gets a glimpse of Maud S falling downstairs.
-
-Folks, I jumped—but too late. Me and Maud S landed at the bottom
-together. I grabs the mule with both hands, and I feels her get up
-with me hanging to some part of her anatomy. It’s about twenty feet
-from the bottom of the stairs to the door, and I rode some part of
-that crop-eared mule as far as the exit, where the top of the door
-slapped me in the face and I went into the land of Once Upon a Time.
-
-I’m just about to live happy ever afterwards, when something seems to
-wake me up. I feels a dragging sensation, along with other painful
-things, and then I dimly hears Dirty Shirt say—
-
-“You’ve gotta help me, Muley.”
-
-“I’ve gotta have a little help myself,” wails Muley. “I tell yuh that
-danged steer knocked me down and then the mule fell over me.”
-
-“But poor old Ike is de-e-e-ad!” sobs Dirty.
-
-“He’ll keep,” croaks Muley; “but I’ll spoil if I don’t have help.”
-
-“Yuh gotta help me drag him home, Muley. You was to blame for his
-de-mise.”
-
-“Naw, I wasn’t, Dirty. Chuck got the idea of dressin’ up that steer in
-Tellurium’s clothes. Tellurium was sore, too. We twisted a wire around
-the steer’s tail to make it bawl when the gag was pulled off.
-
-“We just wanted to make it blat at Magpie. Nossir, yuh can’t blame us
-for it, ’cause that mule would ’a’ killed him anyway. I’d like to know
-what in —— woke up that gone-to-seed mule.”
-
-“There ain’t nobody to hear,” says Dirty, “so I’ll tell yuh. I took a
-can of red pepper and a can of ginger and mixed ’em. Then I made a gob
-of dough in Dee’s shack and put the hot stuff in the middle. _Sabe?_
-Maud S. swallered it. That’s all.”
-
-“They’d kill us if they knew,” groans Dirty.
-
-“Death’s stinger wouldn’t hurt me,” groans Muley.
-
-I crawls to my feet, and they don’t see me until I’m standing up
-beside ’em.
-
-“You—you—uh—” stammers Dirty. “You won’t tell, w-will yuh, Ike?”
-
-“Ain’t you dead—yet?” gasps Muley.
-
-“Enough,” says I, “enough to foller out the old saying—dead men tell
-no tales. I’ve got eyesight enough left to see the lights of Buck’s
-place.”
-
-“L-let’s go tut-to it,” stammers Dirty.
-
-Which shows that Piperock never started anything that they couldn’t
-finish—after a fashion.
-
-*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WISE MEN AND A MULE ***
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-  <meta charset="UTF-8" />
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-  <title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Wise Men and a Mule, by W. C. Tuttle</title>
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-   .poetry .stanza { margin-top:0.7em; margin-bottom:0.7em; margin-left:4em; }
-   .poetry .verse { text-indent: -3em; padding-left: 3em; }
-   .indent2 { text-indent: -1.5em; padding-left: 3em; }
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-<body>
-<p style='text-align:center; font-size:1.2em; font-weight:bold'>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Wise Men and a Mule, by W. C. Tuttle</p>
-<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>
-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and
-most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
-whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms
-of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online
-at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you
-are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the
-country where you are located before using this eBook.
-</div>
-
-<p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: Wise Men and a Mule</p>
-  <p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: W. C. Tuttle</p>
-<p style='display:block; text-indent:0; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: November 26, 2021 [eBook #66823]</p>
-<p style='display:block; text-indent:0; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</p>
-  <p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em; text-align:left'>Produced by: Roger Frank and Sue Clark</p>
-<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WISE MEN AND A MULE ***</div>
-<div id='i001' class='mt01 mb01 wi001'>
-  <img src='images/illus-001.jpg' alt='' style='width:100%' />
-</div>
-<div style='text-align:center; text-indent:0; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:auto; margin-right:auto; '>
-<h1 style='font-size:1.4em;'>WISE MEN AND A MULE</h1>
-<div style='margin-top:1em;'>by W. C. Tuttle</div>
-<div style='font-size:0.8em;margin-top:0.4em;margin-bottom:2em;'>Author of “Tippecanoe and Cougars Two,” “Powder Law,” etc.</div>
-</div>
-
-<p>“She’s the beautifulest story ever wrote. I tell yuh she’s a dinger,
-and I’m a heap in favor of showin’ it to the multitude, <i>ad lib</i>, also
-visibly.”</p>
-
-<p>“Magpie” Simpkins shifts his feet on the table and leans back in his
-chair, acting like he’s said something real smart.</p>
-
-<p>“The best ever told,” admits “Old Testament” Tilton. “I longs to see
-it portrayed piously and with feelin’ aforethought.”</p>
-
-<p>“But can she be done?” asks Wick Smith. “The time is short.”</p>
-
-<p>“Piperock can do anything she sets out to do,” states Magpie.</p>
-
-<p>“And everything else that could possibly happen between the time she
-starts and the time she finishes,” says I.</p>
-
-<p>“I figured it was about time for you to say something, Ike,” opines
-Magpie.</p>
-
-<p>Me and “Dirty Shirt” Jones wasn’t invited to this conference, but
-we’re there anyway. Buck Masterson, Wick Smith, Judge Steele, Old
-Testament and Magpie are the committee. Dirty said there’d likely be
-need of substitutes before the meeting had gone far, so we took it
-upon ourselves to attend.</p>
-
-<p>“Three wise men won’t be hard to find,” opines Buck.</p>
-
-<p>“Town’s full of ’em,” says Dirty. “Why stop at three?”</p>
-
-<p>“You’ve spoke your piece, Dirty,” states the judge.</p>
-
-<p>“We’ve got to have a star, ain’t we?” asks Buck.</p>
-
-<p>“Yeah, we sure have,” admits Wick.</p>
-
-<p>“Beyond the shadder of a doubt in my mind,” says the judge. “The star
-must be there, sheddin’ its effulgent rays across the desert, lightin’
-up the—uh—place, as it were. It’s goin’ to be hard to get a suitable
-camule or camules.”</p>
-
-<p>“Camule?” asks Buck. “Them humpbacked quadruples?”</p>
-
-<p>“Cam-el,” corrects Magpie. “Yeah, we’ve got to have one. We’ve got to
-have a lot of presents and——”</p>
-
-<p>“Who’s going to be Sandy Claws?” asks Dirty.</p>
-
-<p>“Nobody!” snaps Magpie. “Them things are out of date. We’re just
-steppin’ along ahead of them ancient has-beens, yuh betcha. Nobody can
-go home from this celebration and say we had the same old stuff.”</p>
-
-<p>“Be —— lucky if they has the use of their vocal cords ten days
-afterwards,” opines Dirty. “Piperock’s Merry Christmas has always
-knocked —— out of Happy New Year’s. I suppose you’ll frame up a death
-trap and charge us a dollar apiece to get butchered for a Piperock
-Holiday.”</p>
-
-<p>“This is goin’ to be free,” states Magpie.</p>
-
-<p>“Just like a suicide,” sighs Dirty.</p>
-
-<p>“Since when was you and Ike Harper invited to this meetin’?” asks
-Wick. “’Pears to me——”</p>
-
-<p>“We’re going out,” says I, “but before we erases ourselves from your
-presence we’d like to orate open and free that we will not be part,
-parcel nor accessory to anything pertaining to or being of a Piperock
-entertainment. We will not do this nor that, and neither will we do
-thus and so. We will toil not and neither will we spin to any extent.
-Our hearts are hard and our minds are made up like a mule’s.”</p>
-
-<p>“Better wait until you’re asked,” advises Magpie.</p>
-
-<p>“No trouble to sound a warning,” says Dirty Shirt.</p>
-
-<p>“You’d ask in vain, Magpie,” says I.</p>
-
-<p>“I am full of wisdom——”</p>
-
-<p>“Don’t argue with that animated flagpole,” says Dirty. “You never get
-no place talkin’ back to him, Ike.”</p>
-
-<p>Dirty was right. I might as well argue with the shadder of death,
-because Magpie can’t hear nothing but his own voice in a argument, and
-he knows he can hoodle me into places where an angel couldn’t find
-footing nor room to flop its wings.</p>
-
-<p>I’m sleeping real hard when Magpie comes home that night, and he
-proceeds to sit down on me, yanks my off ear and yells—</p>
-
-<p>“Ike!”</p>
-
-<p>I shoves him off and sets up, covering him with my gun.</p>
-
-<p>“Ike,” says he, sober-like, “what is there around here that looks the
-most like a ca-mel?”</p>
-
-<p>“It’s a neck-and-neck race between you and Maud&#160;S.”</p>
-
-<p>“Thanks.”</p>
-
-<div style='height:1em;'></div>
-
-<p>He takes off his clothes and goes to bed, kinda chuckling to himself.
-Maud&#160;S wasn’t no relation to the famous trotting mare of the same
-name, unless you figure back to the dim and distant past to the time
-when the devil got sore at a balky horse. He tried to haul it along by
-the ears, but the horse dug in his hoofs, the same of which stretched
-them ears a heap. When the devil saw what he’d done, he laughed. The
-horse, being kinda sore, ruined its vocal cords mocking the devil’s
-laugh. That’s how we got our first mule.</p>
-
-<p>Looking at Maud&#160;S from all angles I’d opine that she was the second
-mule.</p>
-
-<p>Maudie was long. I don’t think I ever seen so much mule all in one
-piece. Maud’s neck was long and looked like it might fall off any old
-time and bust her crop-eared head. Her feet never wore shoes, and the
-ends of her hoofs turned up like the ends of ski snowshoes. Maud was
-cock-eyed in her one glass-eye, and her heart was bitter toward
-mankind.</p>
-
-<p>Wick Smith owned her. He tried to sell her to a Piegan Indian, but the
-old buck got one look at her and said—</p>
-
-<p><i>“Diaub seahhost! Klahowya!”</i></p>
-
-<p>The same of which means—</p>
-
-<p>“Eyes of the devil! Good-by!”</p>
-
-<p>Of course Maud ain’t no cam-el, but she ain’t so danged far removed as
-yuh might think. The next morning Magpie gets a heap enthused over
-their meeting.</p>
-
-<p>“We sure planned out some <i>hy-iu</i> festival. Goin’ to be great, Ike.
-Sacred, solemn and satisfactory from all points of the compass.”</p>
-
-<p>“Undertakingly speaking?”</p>
-
-<p>“Not this time. There ain’t going to be no guns allowed. Every puncher
-will have to leave his gun at the door. See the idea? Bill Thatcher
-says he won’t bring no orchestra, but we’ll have one just as good.
-Ricky Henderson has mastered the flute, and Wick Smith’s new drum is
-due here today.”</p>
-
-<p>“That’s a —— of a orchestra.”</p>
-
-<p>“Yeah? ‘Frenchy’ Deschamps fell out with Bill Thatcher, and he’s goin’
-to play his jew’s-harp in our orchestra. That makes three good pieces
-for our side, Ike.”</p>
-
-<p>“Tin whistle bass drum and a pheumonia noise.”</p>
-
-<p>“Mm-m-m-m, well, it won’t be no Suzer’s band, that’s a fact, but it’ll
-be music. Matilda Mudgett is going to sing something sacred, and Wick
-says that his wife wants to recite.”</p>
-
-<p>“Anything that Matilda could sing would seem sacred,” says I.</p>
-
-<p>“She could sing the ‘Lone Star Trail’ and make it sound like ‘Rock of
-Ages!’ Magpie, a face like hers would drive the evil from a burro’s
-soul.”</p>
-
-<p>“Uh—I almost forgot, Ike. You’re going to be a wise man.”</p>
-
-<p>“You’re danged well right I am. I’m going to be so wise that I won’t
-be within seven miles of here on Christmas Eve. I ain’t going to be
-wise—I’m wise right now.”</p>
-
-<p>“You and Dirty Shirt and Half Mile Smith.”</p>
-
-<p>“No-oo-o-o!”</p>
-
-<p>“If you’d rather have some other two men—get ’em, Ike. I’m leavin’
-that part of it to you.”</p>
-
-<p>“No-o-o-o! I won’t speak to nobody. I’m deaf and dumb. You and your
-entertainment can go plumb——”</p>
-
-<p>“Well, now that it’s all settled I feel better, Ike. You corral Dirty
-and Half Mile and bring ’em over to the Mint Hall tonight, and you’ll
-find out what you’ve got to do.”</p>
-
-<p>“Magpie Simpkins, for gosh sake——”</p>
-
-<p>“Ike, I’d tell yuh if I knowed, but I don’t. Old Testament knows just
-what you’ve got to do, so be patient.”</p>
-
-<p>I finds Dirty Shirt in Buck’s place, and he’s inoculated against
-rattlesnakes. Dirty is bow-legged and cock-eyed, and wouldn’t be no
-beauty if he wasn’t. I tells him what has come to pass, and he listens
-close-like. Then he steps inside, yanks out his six-gun, and rings the
-little bell on top of the Mint Hall three times in a row. Then he puts
-his gun back and cocks his eye at me.</p>
-
-<p>“I ain’t drunk, that’s a cinch. Mebbe my hearin’ is weak, Ike. Say
-that all over again, will yuh?”</p>
-
-<p>I explains once more. Dirty nods foolish-like.</p>
-
-<p>“Sounded the same both times, Ike. What does a wise man have to do?”</p>
-
-<p>“I don’t know, Dirty. We’ll find Half Mile and then they’ll explain it
-to us.”</p>
-
-<p>“Half Mile’s in jail. He shot three times at ‘Scenery’ Sims, and
-Scenery put him in jail for it. Here comes Scenery now.”</p>
-
-<div style='height:1em;'></div>
-
-<p>There ain’t no description to fit Scenery, except that he’s about five
-feet tall and his voice squeaks and his mustache only grows at the
-corners of his big mouth, like the whiskers on a bobcat. He continues
-to be our sheriff, because nobody has took the time to kill him,
-except some poor shot, like Half Mile.</p>
-
-<p>We explains the proposition to Scenery, and asks him will he let Half
-Mile be a wise man.</p>
-
-<p>“How about me?” asks Scenery. “Half Mile ain’t got no sense. I studied
-ellie-cu-shun oncet, and I’ve got a lot of natural sense about things
-like that.”</p>
-
-<p>“We don’t give a ——,” says Dirty Shirt, “only we wants to die in good
-company, Scenery.”</p>
-
-<p>“Bein’ the sheriff I’ll see that they don’t get rough.”</p>
-
-<p>“Since when has a sheriff been able to intimidate these Yaller Rock
-snake hunters?” I asks. “The sight of you up there, Scenery, would be
-like wavin’ a red rag at a bull.”</p>
-
-<p>“Nawsir,” squeaks Scenery. “And besides they ain’t goin’ to be allowed
-to bring in no guns, so the judge tells me.”</p>
-
-<p>You can’t argue with no tin whistle like that, so we takes him with us
-to our cabin, where we finds Magpie, Old Testament and the judge. We
-explains that Half Mile is in jail and that Scenery is desirous to be
-wise. Magpie says:</p>
-
-<p>“That’s all right, if he keeps his mouth shut, but we don’t want no
-wise man with a squeaky voice. We’ll let Ike speak all the words what
-is spoke.”</p>
-
-<p>“I can talk,” says Dirty Shirt, “and I’ve studied ellie-cu-shun. I can
-make gestures, y’betcha.”</p>
-
-<p>“We ain’t usin’ none in this ta-blew, Dirty,” states the judge.</p>
-
-<p>“She’s to be pulled off almost in the dark, bein’ as she’s a night
-pitcher, and gestures ain’t goin’ to do nothin’ but mebbe ruin the
-thing. You hang onto your gestures and let nature take her course.”</p>
-
-<p>“Talk ain’t much without yuh gestures,” complains Dirty.</p>
-
-<p>“Your talk wouldn’t be much with ’em!” snaps Magpie. “Shut up.”</p>
-
-<p>“If you knowed anythin’ about ellie-cu-shun, you’d ——”</p>
-
-<p>“If you’re goin’ to be a wise man, Scenery,” says Magpie, soft-like,
-“you’ll practise up right now by keepin’ your —— mouth shut. <i>Sabe?</i>
-Go ahead and gesture if yuh want to, but keep still.”</p>
-
-<p>“Well, if I can’t talk, I won’t, but jist the same—”</p>
-
-<p>“Stop!” howls Magpie. “Scenery, if you don’t shut up you’ll never live
-to run for office again.”</p>
-
-<p>“I ain’t goin’ to run again,” says Scenery. “I wouldn’t have the job
-again.”</p>
-
-<p>“Judge,” says Magpie, “we’ll let a certain few bring their guns inside
-the hall. Now, let’s get down to business. Is Pete Gonyer makin’ the
-star?”</p>
-
-<p>“Moon. He had a round piece of glass, but he says there ain’t no
-danged way he can cut a star. Moon will do as well, won’t it?”</p>
-
-<p>“If we can’t get a star; but the Bible says they followed a star.”</p>
-
-<p>“Yaller Rock county won’t never know that,” says Dirty. “Not if yuh
-don’t tell em.”</p>
-
-<p>“We’re having the stage built twice as big, and then we’ll put dirt
-over the boards so it will look like a desert. We’ll have a curtain
-built along two sides and the back, and we’ve got to have them stairs
-braced up a little before we can bring Maud&#160;S up into the hall.”</p>
-
-<p>“Is Maud&#160;S comin’ to the show?” asks Dirty.</p>
-
-<p>“She’s the ca-mel,” explains Magpie. “Goin’ to fix up some humps on
-her back and yuh never could tell her from a ca-mel. <i>Sabe?</i>”</p>
-
-<p>“Suppose she brays?” says Scenery.</p>
-
-<p>“Suppose she gestures?” says Dirty. “My ——, but a mule can gesture.”</p>
-
-<p>“Maud&#160;S ain’t got a kick left in her old carcass,” grins Magpie.</p>
-
-<p>Just then Muley Bowles and Chuck Warner shows up, and joins us.</p>
-
-<p>“Hear you’re goin’ to celebrate Christmas,” says Chuck, wiggling his
-ears.</p>
-
-<p>“Want the Cross J quartet to sing?”</p>
-
-<p>“Nope,” says Magpie. “This is goin’ to be a sanitary proceedin’, and
-there ain’t goin’ to be nothin’ done that might incite violence. We’re
-just as much obliged as though you burned your shirt, Chuck.”</p>
-
-<p>“We’d sure be willing to help your ceremony,” says Muley. “We’d sing
-free gratis for nothin’, without chargin’ you a cent.”</p>
-
-<p>“Nope. I ain’t got nothin’ against you your punchers—not as individual
-human beings, but——”</p>
-
-<p>“I gets your meanin’, Magpie,” says Chuck. “The Cross J ain’t good
-enough for your danged old half-baked celebration, eh? Our harmonious
-voices don’t fit into your blasted old program-me. We has suffered and
-bled that Piperock might make a success of their unusual doings, but
-from now on we don’t do a danged thing to help yuh out. Your tone of
-voice is a insult to four of the best singers in Yaller Rock county.”</p>
-
-<p>“I’m glad you understand what I meant,” says Magpie, mean-like. Muley
-and Chuck turns around and beats it for town.</p>
-
-<p>“I reckon you know best, Magpie, but them four Cross J go-devils might
-do us wrong. Yuh might ’a’ let ’em sing one song,” opines Testament.</p>
-
-<p>“Let’s get back to the ca-mel,” suggests Magpie.</p>
-
-<p>“Let’s get away from Maud&#160;S,” says Dirty Shirt.</p>
-
-<p>Then cometh Tellurium Woods, the danged old bald-headed bunch of wind.
-He’s got a grin on his face.</p>
-
-<div style='height:1em;'></div>
-
-<p>“I got a idea,” says he. “I’ll be Sandy Claws.”</p>
-
-<p>“Where did yuh get it?” asks Magpie. “This is a Sandy Claw-less
-Christmas.”</p>
-
-<p>“Aw-w-w, yuh can’t do that,” wails Tellurium. “Whatcha tryin’ to
-do—put the celebration on the bum? Here’s the idea: I’ll dress up like
-Sandy Claws, and when everybody is there and the program is about over
-we’ll have Wick at the door. <i>Sabe?</i> Somebody will give him messages
-from Sandy Claws. Each message will show that he’s that much closer.
-Everybody gets excited, don’t yuh see, and at the right time I comes
-in. Fine, eh?”</p>
-
-<p>“I seconds the motion,” says the judge, “I remember when I was a
-kid——”</p>
-
-<p>“I thirds it,” states Testament. “She’s a pious method, Tellurium.
-Beats having Sandy come down the chimbley.”</p>
-
-<p>“Well,” says Magpie, weary-like, “go ahead and do what yuh like, but I
-want this tab-lew to be just like I sees it. Testament, will yuh look
-up something for the wise men to say, and how we wants ’em to dress?”</p>
-
-<p>“Yea, verily I will, Magpie.”</p>
-
-<p>“I can make me some whiskers out of a horse’s tail,” says Tellurium.</p>
-
-<p>“I hope the horse sees yuh takin’ them,” says Magpie.</p>
-
-<p>Then the meeting broke up, and we adjourned to Buck’s place.</p>
-
-<p>Scenery is tickled stiff to think he’s goin’ to be a actor, but I
-ain’t cheering—yet. Me and Dirty Shirt are veterans in this acting
-game, and we knows it takes nerve, speed and a strong constitution.</p>
-
-<p>The old Romans and their wild animal arena never had nothing of
-Piperock. She’s a place where milk comes in tin cans, and the only
-honey is what the sand-hornets puts up for their own use. Her motto
-is:</p>
-
-<p>“Hurrah for ——! Who’s afraid of a little fire?”</p>
-
-<p>In Buck’s place we finds Muley and Chuck, and pretty soon Telescope
-Tolliver and Henry Peck comes in, which makes the Cross J quartet
-complete.</p>
-
-<p>“They won’t let us sing, Telescope,” says Muley, sad-like.</p>
-
-<p>“They won’t?” says Telescope, surprized. “Won’t let us sing?”</p>
-
-<p>“Not a note. Not only that but they insults us a heap.”</p>
-
-<p>“Well,” says Henry Peck. “Well, the nerve of the pelicans.”</p>
-
-<p>“Don’t blame us,” says Dirty Shirt. “We ain’t got a danged thing to do
-with it—not even the disposition of our own re-mains after the
-massacree is over.”</p>
-
-<p>“They won’t let us sing,” repeats Telescope. “Whatcha know about
-that?”</p>
-
-<p>“Not even sing free,” admits Chuck, wiggling his ears real fast. “It
-ain’t reasonable. Why, they won’t have no music a-tall. Bill
-Thatcher’s orchestra ain’t comin’. Bill said it cost him a new bull
-fiddle and a drum every time he played here, and he’s savin’ up to buy
-a slip-horn.”</p>
-
-<p>“You ought to be glad,” says Dirty Shirt. “You sure ought to, boys.”</p>
-
-<p>“It’s a insult to harmony,” says Telescope. “We’ve almost got to the
-point where we can sing ‘Tentin’ Tonight,’ with variations, and our
-‘Sweet Marie’ sure does make the shivers run up your spine. ‘Jay Bird’
-Whittaker says it’s got anything beat he ever heard since he busted
-the ear tubes of his talkin’ machine.”</p>
-
-<p>“What kind of a act does you perform, Dirty?” asks Hen Feck.</p>
-
-<p>“I portrays Wisdom,” says Dirty. “There’s three of us, Hennery, three
-of a kind against a full house.”</p>
-
-<p>“Wisdom,” proclaims Muley, “Wisdom consists of more than three things,
-Dirty. No three men can portray wisdom.”</p>
-
-<p>“We’re goin’ to give her a try, Muley. Me and Ike and Scenery.”</p>
-
-<p>“Wisdom—!” grunts Telescope. “You three?”</p>
-
-<p>“And Maud&#160;S,” adds Dirty, sad-like.</p>
-
-<p>“Oh,” says Chuck. “Oh, yeah. Well, mebbe you’ll get away with it.”</p>
-
-<p>According to all we can find out, Christmas is the time of peace on
-earth and plenty of good-will to everybody. She’s a time when the lion
-and the lamb lies down together, and the cowpuncher forgets that there
-is such a thing as a sheep-herder. It’s a time when men’s hearts are
-filled with love toward their fellermen, and a six-shooter is only a
-ornament; a time, when you can say, “Yoo-hoo” to a horse-thief,
-without expecting to grab a harp the next minute.</p>
-
-<p>“Yea, verily,” as Testament says. “It is a time when grown men become
-like little children. Yeah, that’s a fact—mentally. Piperock ain’t got
-any too much sense when she’s acting growed up; but right now—huh!”</p>
-
-<div style='height:1em;'></div>
-
-<p>There ain’t no reason why a lot of disreputable snake-hunters can’t
-spend their Christmas in Paradise or Curlew; but they don’t. Nope.
-They clutters up Piperock to partake of our good cheer. Me and Dirty
-looks over that aggregation of incompetents, and the sight drives all
-wisdom, peace and good will from our hearts.</p>
-
-<p>“Big Foot” Forrest, “Cactus” Collins, “Mex” Mason, “Pole-Cat” Perkins,
-“Haw” Harris, et cettery, running the gamut of undesirable
-horse-thieves. “Hassayampa” Harris, who is a uncle of “Haw,” brings
-his bunch of hard-boiled punchers over from Curlew, and Mike Pelly
-heads the aggregation of incompetents from Paradise.</p>
-
-<p>The Seven A, Triangle, Five Dot, Circle C and the Cross J all cometh
-to hive up in Piperock and partake of the Christmas cheer, and
-everything else that might come to pass. They’ve got the Mint Hall
-decorated for the occasion, and so forth. They built the stage out
-until she’s about twenty feet square, and about five feet high.</p>
-
-<p>A couple of horse-thieves, who studied art in the penitentiary,
-painted the scenery. It’s canvas hung at the back of the stage, and
-they painted it black and put on a lot of white stars. Sticking in the
-middle of the canvas is kind of a lantern rigging, with a round glass
-in it and a lamp inside.</p>
-
-<p>“That’s the moon,” explains Magpie. “When this is pulled off that will
-be the only visible light. <i>Sabe?</i> Desert, yuh understand? We’re goin’
-to put some rocks and a bunch of cactus on the stage.”</p>
-
-<p>“What do we do?” squeaks Scenery.</p>
-
-<p>“You will be asleep,” explains Testament. “The lamp will be turned low
-and have a cover over it. Everything will be still. I’ll have somebody
-behind the curtain to take off the cover of the moon, and slowly turn
-up the lamp. One of you wise men wakes up and sees the dim light. You
-wakes up the rest of the bunch, and you all stands up, looking at the
-light.</p>
-
-<p>“Then you—Magpie. I reckon we better have the mule layin’ down, hadn’t
-we? Well, you wakes up the mule, and then you all starts walking
-slow-like toward the back of the stage, and then we drops the curtain.
-That’s all there is to it.”</p>
-
-<p>“We’ll have to throw that mule,” opines Wick. “Better hawg-tie it,
-too, and let somebody cut the ropes when they’re ready to go. The
-humps are all ready to be cinched on.”</p>
-
-<p>“What do we wear?” I asks.</p>
-
-<p>“My wife is makin’ the costumes out of gunny-sacks,” says Wick.</p>
-
-<p>“We’ve got to have something what looks like presents,” opines
-Testament. “I’ve got a picture, which shows a lot of vases and stuff
-like that.”</p>
-
-<p>“My wife’s got some stuff that will be just the cheese,” says Wick.
-“We’ll use some of her chiny vases.”</p>
-
-<p>“What do we have to say?” asks Scenery.</p>
-
-<p>“Ike will do the sayin’,” says Magpie. “He’ll be the one what wakes up
-first and he will say—uh—what was it, Testament?”</p>
-
-<p>“Lo, there shineth a bright light. Let’s go to it.”</p>
-
-<p>“My——!” gasps Dirty Shirt, pious-like. “But save the wimmin and
-children first.”</p>
-
-<p>“It’s sure goin’ to be a wonderful thing, and will teach a moral,”
-says Testament.</p>
-
-<p>“Yes,” says I. “And the moral is: Let well enough alone.”</p>
-
-<p>“I’d ought to say them words,” squeaks Scenery. “I think a thing like
-that needs appropriate gestures, and I’ve studied——”</p>
-
-<p>“Might be better,” says Wick. “Gestures helps a lot. Remember Willyum
-Jennins Bryan, when he was preachin’ fer silver. If Scenery would sort
-of loosen up his vocal cords a little——”</p>
-
-<p>“Let him say ’em,” says I. “I’d hate to pass out with them words on my
-lips. Scenery, you’re elected.”</p>
-
-<p>“All right,” squeaks Scenery. “I’ll study up my ellie-cushun a little.
-Feller gets kinda rusty, you know it.”</p>
-
-<p>“Yeah,” admits Magpie, “and kinda squeaks. You don’t need study—you
-need some kerosene and then a application of axle-grease, Scenery.”</p>
-
-<p>The next morning we took Maud&#160;S up the steps into the hall, and I’m
-here to say that Maud&#160;S made life miserable for us. A mule is hard to
-argue with on the level, but try getting one half-way up a stairs and
-have it stop to think. We took Maud&#160;S in sitting down, bucked her onto
-the stage, where she lays down and refuses to get up.</p>
-
-<p>“Fine!” says Wick. We “won’t have to hawg-tie her.”</p>
-
-<p>“Stage fright,” opines Magpie.</p>
-
-<p>“Safety first,” says I. “Animals have instincts, and hers is to get
-below the line of fire.”</p>
-
-<p>Me and Dirty meets the Cross J quartet, and they’re getting cheerful.</p>
-
-<p>“No,” says Muley, “we ain’t goin’ to no celebrashun. They have done us
-dirt and we sickens to our soul at their per-fid-i-tee.”</p>
-
-<p>“Sheveral per-fid-i-tees,” nods Telescope. “Group aroun’ me while we
-shing a shong of gladness over the merry Chris’mas time. All together
-now:</p>
-
-<div class='poetry-container'>
-<div class='poetry'>
-<div class='stanza'>
-<div class='verse'>“Oh, the coyote said, I’m better than a puncher,</div>
-<div class='indent2'>With a gun that goes blam, blam!</div>
-<div class='verse'>He may die and go up to heaven,</div>
-<div class='indent2'>But his skin ain’t worth a ——”</div>
-</div>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p>“You sure does get into the Christmas spirit,” opines Dirty. “That’s
-one of the sweetest things I ever heard.”</p>
-
-<div style='height:1em;'></div>
-
-<p>Then I calls Dirty outside, and I says to him, like this:</p>
-
-<p>“Dirty, me and you have got to stay sober. A drunk ain’t goin’ to have
-no chance a-tall in there if anything goes wrong. If we hangs around
-with them celebratin’ shorthorns we won’t be in no shape to get up and
-foller that star. We’ll be just like Maud&#160;S, which can’t or won’t get
-up.”</p>
-
-<p>“That’s right, Ike. We’ll get a couple of quarts for ourselves and
-keep away from them hard drinkers. Don’t yuh reckon Maud&#160;S will get up
-at the right time?”</p>
-
-<p>“She’s plumb rooted, Dirty.”</p>
-
-<p>“Uh-huh. I know how to do it, Ike. Come on.”</p>
-
-<p>Dirty went over to Wick’s store, and later on I meets him; and we goes
-up to my cabin.</p>
-
-<p>We’ve got them two quarts of hooch, so we has quite a little time of
-our own, waiting until the afternoon gets to the sere and yaller leaf.
-I wakes up and finds Dirty with flour all over his clothes, but he
-won’t tell what he’s trying to do.</p>
-
-<p>Magpie hunts us up and acts peevish toward us.</p>
-
-<p>“Gosh a’mighty,” he complains. “Ain’t yuh got no sense? We’re tryin’
-to re-hearse and you fellers hide out down here. Come on.”</p>
-
-<p>We just gets to the door, when we meets Muley Bowles.</p>
-
-<p>“F’r th’ lasht time—do we shing?” asks Muley.</p>
-
-<p>“You do not!” declares Magpie. “I thought you knowed that, Muley.”</p>
-
-<p>“May you resht in peash,” says Muley. “May your anchestors rise up and
-mock you for bein’ a —— fool. Autographically schpeakin’:</p>
-
-<div class='poetry-container'>
-<div class='poetry'>
-<div class='stanza'>
-<div class='verse'>“May your hair wear out</div>
-<div class='indent2'>And your nose break off</div>
-<div class='verse'>And your teeth shake loose</div>
-<div class='indent2'>From whoopin’ cough.</div>
-</div>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<p>“Thish is the best wishes of your friend Muley Bowels, E-squire,
-December twenty-fourth.”</p>
-
-<p>“Tha’s good,” says Dirty. “That’s fine. Roshes are blue, vi’lets are
-pink—uh—no, that ain’t it. Vi’lets are red and roshes are blue—Haw!
-Haw! Haw! No knife can cut our love up. Haw! Haw! Haw!”</p>
-
-<p>“Why don’t you say something, Ike?” asks Magpie. “You’re just as drunk
-as they are.”</p>
-
-<p>“Yeah, but I’m mean drunk, Magpie. There ain’t nothin’ flowery about
-me. I ain’t in no mood to wish whoopin’ cough nor violets on mine
-enemies. Let’s go.”</p>
-
-<p>“Sufferin’ sun-fish!” grunts Magpie. “Look at Rip Van Winkle.”</p>
-
-<p>“It’s me—Tellurium,” says the apparition. “Don’t I look it?”</p>
-
-<p>He sure did. He’s got a old bear-skin overcoat on, and about three
-strings of sleigh-bells around his waist. He’s got a stove-pipe hat on
-his head and on his chin is a bunch of whiskers made from the tail of
-a white horse. Personally, I think he’s the dangest-looking thing I
-ever saw.</p>
-
-<p>“Well,” says Magpie, “you sure look it, Tellurium, but I’m danged if I
-know what you do look like.”</p>
-
-<p>“Sandy Claws,” says Tellurium, proud-like. “I’m him. Come up to show
-you what can be done when you’ve got the ambition.”</p>
-
-<p>“Sandy Claws?” says Magpie. “No, no Tellurium. Sandy Claws don’t look
-like that. What do yuh want to do—scare folks? You look like a cross
-between a item of natural hist’ry and a smallpox germ.”</p>
-
-<p>“I comes into the program as a sort of special thing,” says Tellurium.</p>
-
-<p>“No,” says Magpie, “not into my program, Tellurium. You better go out
-and scare coyotes with that outfit. I ain’t using no Sandy Clawses
-anyway.”</p>
-
-<p>“I’ve went to a lot of trouble,” complains Tellurium.</p>
-
-<p>“So’ve we,” says Muley. “He won’t let us shing, and now he don’t want
-no Sandy Clawses.”</p>
-
-<p>“I’d make a good one, too,” says Tellurium.</p>
-
-<p>“Yeah, you would—not,” says Magpie. “I’d just as soon see a wild bull
-come in there dressed like that, Tellurium. You’d ruin the show, you
-know it.”</p>
-
-<p>“Let’s not talk to him,” says Muley. “He has no soul, Tellurium.</p>
-
-<p>“He won’t let us shing. Nossir. No Sandy Claws, no shongs—where’s your
-ol’ Christmas?”</p>
-
-<p>“Come on, Ike,” says Magpie. “Let ’em wail. I’m goin’ to pull off one
-show that Piperock can be proud of, yuh bet your life.”</p>
-
-<div style='height:1em;'></div>
-
-<p>We went up to Mint Hall. Mrs. Smith and Matilda Mudgett are there,
-sort of strutting around like a pair of fool-hens. Ricky Henderson,
-Wick Smith and Frenchy Deschamps are there, fixing their orchestra
-seats. Wick’s new drum is there, and he’s some proud of it.</p>
-
-<p>“Mr. Harper,” says Matilda, “have you ever heard ‘Spring, Lovely
-Spring’?”</p>
-
-<p>“Not since last April,” says I.</p>
-
-<p>“We are going to render it tonight,” says she.</p>
-
-<p>“We?”</p>
-
-<p>“Me and Mrs. Smith. She has a lovely alto.”</p>
-
-<p>I goes over and talks to Ricky.</p>
-
-<p>“Ricky, you knows something about music—what is a alto?”</p>
-
-<p>Ricky thinks deep for a while, and then he says:</p>
-
-<p>“Ike, did yuh ever let out a whoop, and then hear the same whoop come
-back to yuh? That’s it?”</p>
-
-<p>“I thought that was a echo.”</p>
-
-<p>“Yeah, sure; but that’s only when yuh hear one reply. Sabe? When yuh
-hears two replies—that’s alto. It’s a Hungarian word, which means
-two.”</p>
-
-<p>“What does it mean when you hears more than two?”</p>
-
-<p>“That’s basso profundo, Ike.”</p>
-
-<p>“I thinks Maud&#160;S is paralyzed,” complains Wick. “She don’t seem to
-have no use of her legs.”</p>
-
-<p>“For this we offer much thanks,” says Dirty.</p>
-
-<p>“But she’s got to get up and go with yuh,” says Wick. “You can’t leave
-her layin’ there on the stage.”</p>
-
-<p>“She’ll get up,” declares Dirty. “I know a lot about mules. Lemme
-alone and don’t worry about Maud&#160;S.”</p>
-
-<p>“There ain’t much use of rehearsin’,” squeaks Scenery; “I’m the main
-thing up there, and I’ve studied my gestures a-plenty, and I know the
-words fine.”</p>
-
-<p>“We’ve got to put the humps on Maud&#160;S,” says Wick. “We can hang some
-stuff over the humps, so nobody will know she ain’t a cam-el. You know
-how they does in a circus, Magpie?”</p>
-
-<p>Me and Dirty, not wishful to get the least hazy, decides to buy us
-some more bottle cheer, instead of carousing around with the common
-herd, and we communes with each other in my cabin, until the shades of
-night have come down upon us. Then we finds our way back to the hall.
-We’ve got a full audience—in more ways than one. Doughgod Smith has
-been appointed door-keeper and he annexes our guns as we goes in.</p>
-
-<p>“Yuh can’t take your guns in with yuh,” he states. “Them is orders.”</p>
-
-<p>He’s got a lot of belts and holsters, but few guns hanging on a hook.
-Dirty looks ’em over and picks out a good-looking gun, which he shoves
-down inside his waistband.</p>
-
-<p>“Them orders don’t say yuh can’t pack a strange gun, do they?”</p>
-
-<p>“Not my orders,” says Doughgod. “They tell me not to let any man in
-with his gun, that’s all. You ain’t settin’ no precedent, Dirty. I
-reckon every man in the hall is packin’ a strange gun, but there’s one
-satisfaction—they can’t shoot more than six time per each, ’cause I’ve
-got all their extra ammunition.”</p>
-
-<p>I picks out an old decrepid .44, and goes inside the hall. I looks
-over that congregation and I can’t see where Doughgod had any reasons
-for being cheerful. There’s at least a hundred men in there, which
-means six hundred shots, which is usually plenty and sufficient.</p>
-
-<p>The reward notices are sure well represented, and you could just about
-lynch the whole bunch and not make any mistake.</p>
-
-<p>We finds the acting talent behind the curtain. Scenery is all dressed
-up in a gunny-sack gown, with a ribbon tied around his head and no
-boots on. He’s making gestures like a prize-fighter.</p>
-
-<p>“My ——!” gasps Dirty. “Would yuh look at that?” Scenery jerks one fist
-outward and upward, swings the other arm behind him, like he was
-guarding his rear, and then squeaks:</p>
-
-<p>“Lo, there shineth a bright light. Let’s go to it.”</p>
-
-<p>“Mark an X after Scenery Sims,” says Dirty. “He won’t last.”</p>
-
-<p>We goes over where Wick is looking at Maud&#160;S. She’s still laying down
-and don’t act like she’s ever get up again.</p>
-
-<p>“’Fraid she’s on her last legs,” says Wick. “Yessir, I reckon we’re
-goin’ to lose Maudie.”</p>
-
-<p>“’Fraid?” snorts Mrs. Smith. “That de-eared hay-hound? Let her die.”</p>
-
-<p>“Not until she’s been a ca-mel, maw,” says Wick, and then he goes out
-to set down beside his new drum.</p>
-
-<p>Dirty sets down beside Maud&#160;S and takes her head in his lap.</p>
-
-<p>“Ain’t the Cross J quartet going to sing?” asks Matilda.</p>
-
-<p>Old Testament shakes his head.</p>
-
-<p>“Nope. They got mad—them and Tellurium. They all went home.”</p>
-
-<p>“Tweet, tweet, tweet,” goes the flute.</p>
-
-<p>“Bum! Bum! Bum!” goes the drum.</p>
-
-<p>“Whar-r-r-oo-o-o-o-o-m-m-m-m,” goes the jew’s-harp.</p>
-
-<p>“The orchestra is tunin’ up,” observes Dirty. “We ain’t got long to
-live, Ike.”</p>
-
-<div style='height:1em;'></div>
-
-<p>Then old Judge Steele steps out through the curtain, and the hum of
-conversation dies down.</p>
-
-<p>“Feller citizens and ladies,” says the judge, “the first thing on the
-program is a du-it. Miss Mudgett is going to sing ‘Spring, Lovely
-Spring,’ with the kind assistance of Mrs. Smith. This here is a
-soup-ranner and alter du-it. We asks yuh to bear with the orchestra to
-the limit of your patience, as this is their first appearance
-together.”</p>
-
-<p>“Who?” asks Big Foot Forrest.</p>
-
-<p>“All of ’em. They’re acquainted, but that’s about all you can say for
-’em. All right, Wick—let her go.”</p>
-
-<p>“Tweet, tweet, tweet! Bum, bum, bum, bum! Whar-r-r-oo-o-o-m-m-m-m!”</p>
-
-<p>Mrs. Smith and Matilda goes out through the curtain. Somebody laughs
-out loud and then comes a thud.</p>
-
-<p>“All right—go ahead,” says Hair Oil Heppner’s voice. “Big Foot thought
-he saw somethin’ funny, but he’s forgot what it was.”</p>
-
-<p>The song starts and this is how she sounds:</p>
-
-<p>“Tweet, bum, Spree-e-e-hing, lovely spree-e-e-hing, tweet, tweet, bum,
-whar-r-r-oo-o-m, Spree-e-hing, Spree-e-e-hing, bum, bum, kerong-g-g-g,
-tweet, tweet.</p>
-
-<p>“You cree-e-e-heep o’er me-e-e-adhows be-e-e-e-right,
-whar-r-r-room-m-m, bum, bum, tweet, tweet, o’er me-e-e-adhows
-be-e-e-right, bum, bum, bum, tweet, tweedle, wharoom, whar-r-r-oom——”</p>
-
-<p>“Whoa, Blaze!”</p>
-
-<p>I whirls just in time to see Magpie get kicked behind the knees by
-Maud S, who is laying down. She must ’a’ just sort of cramped herself
-and then let fly with both hoofs.</p>
-
-<p>Magpie turns plumb over and goes out through the curtain and right
-into Mrs. Smith, who is straining over “be-e-e-right;” and when they
-hit the platform she’s on top.</p>
-
-<p>“From Spring to Fall!” yelps Mex Mason.</p>
-
-<p>Mrs. Smith gets off poor Magpie, and lets out a wail:</p>
-
-<p>“O-o-o-o-o-o-oh! Every time I try to do something, some hammer-head
-comes bustin’ along and spoils it!”</p>
-
-<p>“Did you hit her on purpose?” demands Wick, standing up.</p>
-
-<p>“Your —— mule—” begins Magpie, foolish-like.</p>
-
-<p>“You done it on purpose!” howls Mrs. Smith.</p>
-
-<p>Wick believed her, I reckon, cause he throwed his drum stick right at
-poor Magpie. It was a good shot. It came right through the hole in the
-curtain and it hit Judge Steele on the bridge of his nose. The old boy
-sort of got dignified acting.</p>
-
-<p>“Wonderful,” says Dirty. “Wonderful cons’tution.”</p>
-
-<p>The judge just walks around the stage, making gestures and working his
-lips, but there ain’t no words. Pretty soon he stops, seems to listen,
-and then he says, soft-like: “Guilty? Why, gentlemen, that man is as
-innocent as a new-born baby.”</p>
-
-<p>“Knocked back seven years,” says Dirty, awed-like. “That’s what he
-said the time he was my lawyer, and that was seven years ago.”</p>
-
-<p>The crowd out in front are talking loud, and I know danged well that
-there’s going to be trouble if we don’t keep going. Mrs. Smith comes
-waddling in, follered by Matilda and Magpie.</p>
-
-<p>Mrs. Smith is sore as a boil.</p>
-
-<p>“I will not sing another note,” she declares. “Every time I start to
-do anything in public——”</p>
-
-<p>“Maud&#160;S is getting restless,” states Scenery. “We better pull off our
-act.”</p>
-
-<p>“Can yuh get her up at the right time, Dirty?” asks Magpie.</p>
-
-<p>“Get things set, and I’ll do my dangest.”</p>
-
-<p>Then they cleared everybody away, while we got ready. Me and Dirty and
-Scenery are all dressed in them gunny-sack gowns, and have got our
-boots off.</p>
-
-<p>They’ve got a big bunch of cactus and a lot of rocks, which they puts
-around to make it look like a desert. Pete Gonyer is behind the back
-curtain, ready to take the cover off the moon, and then turn up the
-lamp. Maud&#160;S is making funny noises in her throat, but Dirty is
-setting on her head.</p>
-
-<p>“What’s the matter with her?” I asks.</p>
-
-<p>“Speed-crazy,” grins Dirty.</p>
-
-<p>“Get ready,” says Magpie. “Now, for gosh sakes, make this look real.”</p>
-
-<p>They blew out all the lights except one in the back of the room, and
-then pulled the curtain.</p>
-
-<p>“What does she represent—a load of dirt?” asks Pole-Cat Perkins.</p>
-
-<p>“That’s a —— of a thing to ride thirty miles to see,” opines “Windy”
-Wilkins.</p>
-
-<p>“Where is the moon?” squeaks Scenery, in a whisper. “Pete, where in ——
-are yuh?”</p>
-
-<p>“Aw, ——!” groans Pete. “Magpie, did yuh turn out this lamp?”</p>
-
-<p>“It was lit when I left there!” snaps Magpie. “You must ’a’ blowed on
-it.”</p>
-
-<p>“I never blowed on nothin’!”</p>
-
-<p>“Haw! Haw! Haw!” roars Art Miller. “This is one funny game. Like a
-minstrel show. Pete, ask him why he thinks yuh blowed on it.”</p>
-
-<div style='height:1em;'></div>
-
-<p>Comes a little bit of light, and I feels Scenery climb to his feet.
-There he stands in the gloom, pointing up and down and sidewise, and
-then he squeaks:</p>
-
-<p>“Lo, there bringth a slight—uh—slineth a bite—I mean—a—a—lineth
-a—let’s go to it—uh—to it.”</p>
-
-<p>“Haw! Haw! Haw!” howls somebody. “Pete Gonyer’s lightin’ the moon!”</p>
-
-<p>I turns and takes a look. There is Pete at the back of the stage. He’s
-got the cover off the moon, and is trying to get the old lamp to
-light.</p>
-
-<p>“Dang it!” he howls. “I’ve turned the wick plumb into the bottom!”</p>
-
-<p>“Whoa, Maud!” howls Dirty. “Help me hold her, Ike!”</p>
-
-<p>I turns, and there is Maud&#160;S standing on her hind legs, and, as I
-look, them humps, which wasn’t well cinched, being as she was laying
-down at the time, swing down and just about fill up all the space
-between her front and hind legs.</p>
-
-<p>“Ho-hold her!” wails Dirty; but Maud&#160;S thinks she’s a circus animal.</p>
-
-<p>Hold her? Man, that mule, after all these years, found out that she
-had authority to go to some place. She waltzes around a couple of
-times, busts a hole in the stage and falls over backwards into the
-orchestra.</p>
-
-<p>Wick Smith falls over backwards, pulling his new drum over with him,
-thereby saving his part of the orchestra.</p>
-
-<p>“Whoo-o-o-ee! Pow-w-w-w-der Ri-i-ver!” yowls a puncher, and a circle
-of chairs lands around Maud&#160;S, trying to block her, but Maud&#160;S ain’t
-to be stopped.</p>
-
-<p>She bucked plumb over the top of Wick Smith, and that drum rattled
-against her heels.</p>
-
-<p>Zowie! She telescoped and lifted that drum with both hind feet. Dirty
-Shirt was just going to jump off the stage to attack her from the
-rear, and that drum caught him in midair. Dirty comes plumb back onto
-the stage and lands setting down in that bed of cactus. The drum hit
-me in the knees, and I went plumb over the top of it and dug my chin
-into the desert.</p>
-
-<p>When I got my senses again I sees that about seven punchers have hold
-of Maud&#160;S, and are trying to hold her.</p>
-
-<p>“Lights!” yelps Wick. “Light some lamps. My ——, my drum is busted!”</p>
-
-<p>“—— your old drum!” howls Dirty Shirt, standing on the stage, trying
-to lift the seat of his pants loose from himself.</p>
-
-<p>“O-o-o-o-oh, the tab-lew is ruined!” wails Mrs. Smith.</p>
-
-<p>Everybody helped light the lamps, and then we stands and looks at each
-other. Maud&#160;S looks like her course was about run, but them punchers
-don’t take any chances.</p>
-
-<p>“Sandy Claws has come!” yells a voice at the door, and we all takes a
-look. I never seen anything like that apparition. It’s a two-year old
-steer, wearing a bear-skin overcoat, with a string of sleigh-bells
-around it, and on the lower lip of the danged animal is Tellurium
-Wood’s false whiskers, and over one horn is that tall hat. The steer
-is about half way into the hall when we see it coming, and its tail is
-twisted over its back. Around its mouth is twisted a rope, which is
-yanked off as it humps into the door.</p>
-
-<p>“Ba-a-a-rr!” blats that steer, like it hurt all over, and right up
-that room it comes, romping regardless of life or limb.</p>
-
-<p>I know it was Chuck’s voice that yelled—</p>
-
-<p>“Sandy Claws has come.”</p>
-
-<p>“Ho-o-old fast!” yells a puncher, and just then the steer lams into
-poor Maud&#160;S, scattering the punchers. Hair Oil Heppner tries to
-bulldog that locoed animal, but he might as well ’a’ tried to bulldog
-a box-car.</p>
-
-<p>Then Maud&#160;S gets enervated again, and things begin to boil a-plenty.</p>
-
-<p>“Ba-a-a-a-w!” bawls the steer.</p>
-
-<p>“Ha-a-a-a-w!” sings Maud, and the both of them starts gamboling toward
-the stage.</p>
-
-<p>“Git ba-a-a-ck!” yowls Pete Gonyer. “Daw-w-w-gone yuh, git back!”</p>
-
-<p>Rip-i-i-p! The steer gets its horns into the curtain, rips about
-twenty feet of it loose, and starts to climb the stage.</p>
-
-<p>Crash! The moon went down, and the danged old oil lamp inside
-exploded.</p>
-
-<p>“Fire! Fire!” howls Judge Steele, and then he picks up that blazing
-moon and whales away at the steer with it.</p>
-
-<p>Clank! The judge was left-handed, which might account for the poor
-throwing, but he got his feet tangled in some of that loose curtain
-and hit Scenery Sims right in the head with that heavy moon.</p>
-
-<p>Bang! Somebody took a shot at the steer and knocked several bells, and
-one of them danged bells hit me in the nose. I hate to get hit in the
-nose with a bell. I hates to get hit in the nose with anything, but I
-sure does detest a bell. I can see folks going out of the door as fast
-as they can travel. I seen Hair Oil climbing onto poor Maud&#160;S, and
-then my time is all taken up with that danged steer.</p>
-
-<p>All this stuff is taking place a lot faster than I can tell it. I
-bulldogged that steer. It was the first steer I ever tried to bulldog,
-and if all future steers will keep away from me it will be the last.</p>
-
-<div style='height:1em;'></div>
-
-<p>I hooked onto his horns just in time to feel my feet dangle off the
-edge of the stage, the same of which helped my act quite a lot. The
-steer upends from my weight, and me and that steer landed into a
-jumble of chairs, and over the top of us goes Maud&#160;S, celebrating her
-second childhood by making Hair Oil pull leather.</p>
-
-<p>The few remaining folks in the hall sort of celebrates by taking some
-shots at the lights, the same of which makes our immediate future
-kinda gloomy.</p>
-
-<p>“Lo, I see a bright light!” squeals Scenery’s voice.</p>
-
-<p>“Sus-sunfish, you crop-eared coyote!” yells Hair Oil, and then comes a
-crash of glass.</p>
-
-<p>“My ——!” yells Magpie. “She throwed Hair Oil out of the window! Where
-are you, Ike?”</p>
-
-<p>“Keep away!” I yells. “I’m paralyzed all the way down from my upper
-lip and I don’t know whether me or the steer is on top.”</p>
-
-<p>“Paralyzed —— ——!” howls Dirty. “Wish I was. Who in —— got the idea of
-puttin’ cactus on the stage?”</p>
-
-<p>“Look out for that mule!” yelps Magpie, and I looks up at the dim
-figure of that locoed mule, almost over me. I yanks away from my steer
-and the steer yanks right with me. Under ordinary conditions I’d ’a’
-been able to get away, but I’ve got one leg through a string of them
-sleigh-bells, and when that steer starts for the door, Ike Harper
-E-squire went right along—on the back of his neck.</p>
-
-<p>I hooked a lot of chairs on my way, kinda trying to impede the hoofs
-of progress, but that scared steer made funny little noises and keeps
-going. There’s a lantern hung at the head of the stairs, and I reckon
-the steer was hunting for light.</p>
-
-<p>Just before we hits the top of the stairs I hears a strain of quartet
-music:</p>
-
-<p>“Tentin’ to-o-o-o-night, tentin’ to-o-o——”</p>
-
-<p>Crash!</p>
-
-<p>We hit the doorway with our assortment of furniture, and the next
-thing I know I’m amid more feller mortals and we’re all traveling the
-downward path. I sees some red, white and blue lights, and I’m loose.
-I reckon the bell strap busted. I gets to my feet, dodging stars and
-other aerial impediments, when the stairs almost shakes out from under
-me, and I gets a glimpse of Maud&#160;S falling downstairs.</p>
-
-<p>Folks, I jumped—but too late. Me and Maud&#160;S landed at the bottom
-together. I grabs the mule with both hands, and I feels her get up
-with me hanging to some part of her anatomy. It’s about twenty feet
-from the bottom of the stairs to the door, and I rode some part of
-that crop-eared mule as far as the exit, where the top of the door
-slapped me in the face and I went into the land of Once Upon a Time.</p>
-
-<p>I’m just about to live happy ever afterwards, when something seems to
-wake me up. I feels a dragging sensation, along with other painful
-things, and then I dimly hears Dirty Shirt say—</p>
-
-<p>“You’ve gotta help me, Muley.”</p>
-
-<p>“I’ve gotta have a little help myself,” wails Muley. “I tell yuh that
-danged steer knocked me down and then the mule fell over me.”</p>
-
-<p>“But poor old Ike is de-e-e-ad!” sobs Dirty.</p>
-
-<p>“He’ll keep,” croaks Muley; “but I’ll spoil if I don’t have help.”</p>
-
-<p>“Yuh gotta help me drag him home, Muley. You was to blame for his
-de-mise.”</p>
-
-<p>“Naw, I wasn’t, Dirty. Chuck got the idea of dressin’ up that steer in
-Tellurium’s clothes. Tellurium was sore, too. We twisted a wire around
-the steer’s tail to make it bawl when the gag was pulled off.</p>
-
-<p>“We just wanted to make it blat at Magpie. Nossir, yuh can’t blame us
-for it, ’cause that mule would ’a’ killed him anyway. I’d like to know
-what in —— woke up that gone-to-seed mule.”</p>
-
-<p>“There ain’t nobody to hear,” says Dirty, “so I’ll tell yuh. I took a
-can of red pepper and a can of ginger and mixed ’em. Then I made a gob
-of dough in Dee’s shack and put the hot stuff in the middle. <i>Sabe?</i>
-Maud S. swallered it. That’s all.”</p>
-
-<p>“They’d kill us if they knew,” groans Dirty.</p>
-
-<p>“Death’s stinger wouldn’t hurt me,” groans Muley.</p>
-
-<p>I crawls to my feet, and they don’t see me until I’m standing up
-beside ’em.</p>
-
-<p>“You—you—uh—” stammers Dirty. “You won’t tell, w-will yuh, Ike?”</p>
-
-<p>“Ain’t you dead—yet?” gasps Muley.</p>
-
-<p>“Enough,” says I, “enough to foller out the old saying—dead men tell
-no tales. I’ve got eyesight enough left to see the lights of Buck’s
-place.”</p>
-
-<p>“L-let’s go tut-to it,” stammers Dirty.</p>
-
-<p>Which shows that Piperock never started anything that they couldn’t
-finish—after a fashion.</p>
-
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