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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/6579.txt b/6579.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a560210 --- /dev/null +++ b/6579.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4888 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Men, Women, and God, by A. Herbert Gray + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Men, Women, and God + +Author: A. Herbert Gray + +Release Date: September, 2004 [EBook #6579] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on December 29, 2002] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII, with a couple of ISO-8859-1 characters + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MEN, WOMEN, AND GOD *** + + + + +Produced by Mary Wampler, Charles Franks +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +MEN, WOMEN, AND GOD + +A DISCUSSION OF SEX QUESTIONS FROM THE CHRISTIAN POINT OF VIEW + + + + + +BY +THE REV. A. HERBERT GRAY, D. D. + +AUTHOR OF +"THE CHRISTIAN ADVENTURE," "AS TOMMY SEES US," ETC. + + + + + +TO MY WIFE + +WHO FOR TWENTY-FIVE YEARS HAS BEEN MY CHIEF TEACHER AND HAS INTERPRETED +LIFE AND GOD TO ME THROUGH THE CONTENTS OF THE DAILY ROUND + + + + + +PREFACE + +This book has been written at the request of the Student Christian +Movement, and is addressed in the first place to men and women of the +student age. I have undertaken the task with great gladness because my +long and happy contact with men and women through the Student Movement +has taught me how great is the need for a fuller understanding of the +problems of sex, and how possible it is that men and women should find +help through the timely suggestion of right and wholesome thoughts. + +My brother, Dr. Charles Gray of London, has contributed a very valuable +appendix dealing with certain facts in a way which is only possible to +a medical man, and I am very greatly indebted to him for thus enriching +this volume. + +It will be apparent to all who read it that I also owe a great deal to +many who have shared with me their knowledge and experience. In +particular I owe much gratitude to a number of generous-hearted women +who have enabled me to write the chapters which are more especially +addressed to their sex. + +I have deliberately omitted from these pages any reference to disease. +I do that not because I am not impressed by the terrible penalties with +which nature visits certain sins, but because I do not believe in the +power of fear to deliver us. Though there were no such thing as +venereal disease, immorality would still be a way of death, and +morality would still be the way of life and joy. Till we perceive that +we are not on the path of progress. + +Books of this sort have generally been addressed specially either to +men or to women. I write to both alike because I am quite sure that +until men and women understand and help each other, there is going to +be no happy solution to the problems of sex. When they do so learn to +co-operate I believe we shall as a race find our way out into that +larger and happier life which can only be ours when we have accepted +the facts of sex and learnt to use them to the enrichment of human life +and the glory of God. + +A. HERBERT GRAY. + +_Glasgow,_ 1922. + + + + + +CONTENTS + + +PREFACE + +INTRODUCTION + +I. KNOWING THE FACTS + +II. COMRADESHIP + +III. LOVE + +IV. FALLING IN LOVE AND GETTING ENGAGED + +V. OUR MORAL STANDARDS + +VI. A MAN'S STRUGGLE + +VII. PROSTITUTION--A CHAPTER FOR MEN + +VIII. A GIRL'S EARLY DAYS + +IX. INVOLUNTARY CELIBACY + +X. THE ART OF BEING MARRIED + +XI. UNHAPPY MARRIAGES + +XII. THE INFLUENCE OF SOCIAL CONDITIONS + +XIII. FORGETTING THE THINGS WHICH ARE BEHIND + +APPENDIX--SOME OF THE PHYSIOLOGICAL FACTS. BY A. CHARLES E. GRAY, M.D. + + + + + + +INTRODUCTION + +In the following pages I propose to write simply and plainly about the +social, personal, and bodily relations of men and women, and about the +ways in which their common life may attain to happiness, harmony, and +efficiency. + +I shall deal with matters often handled only with much diffidence, and +thought of with uncomfortable reserve. And I address myself to men and +women alike. + +I do it all on the basis of one assumption, namely, that a God of love +in designing our human nature cannot have put into it anything which is +incapable of a pure and happy exercise; and in particular that in +making the sex interest so central, permanent, and powerful in human +beings He must have had some great and beautiful purpose. I start, in +fact, with the faith that the sexual elements in our humanity, once +rightly understood and finely handled, make for the enrichment of human +life, for the increase of our health and efficiency, and the +heightening of our joy. I believe that nothing is more necessary for +the world to-day than that we should trace out the ways in which this +tremendous life force that is implanted in us all may be used to +forward the higher aims of our common life, and to help the race on its +upward march. And yet even as I write the word "sexual" I cannot but +remember that the mere word will for many good people produce a +sensation of distaste. Partly because they have a sincere passion for +purity, and partly because this whole subject has been defiled for them +by the excesses and indecencies of mankind, they doubt whether it can +be right or useful to think about it at all. They regard the facts of +sex with a mixture of fear, perplexity, and shame, and take themselves +to task if still some curiosity about them lingers in their minds. +Therefore before I go any further I would like to ask such people to +realize that they are denying my initial assumption. They have not yet +come to believe that there is any divine and holy purpose enshrined in +the sexual side of life, although God is responsible for its place in +our humanity; and I would beg them forthwith to think this matter out. + +Sex is no accident in our humanity. The function of the sexual elements +in our physical frame is so central that unless they be truly managed +health and strength are impossible. Their relation is no less vital to +our mental and aesthetic life, and they appear to control almost +absolutely our nervous stability. No man or woman attains to fullness +and harmony of life if the sexual nature be either neglected or +mismanaged. No society is strong and happy unless this part of life is +truly adjusted. It may even be said that the evils that come through +the mismanagement of sex relations have beaten every civilization up to +the present. And no doubt it is natural enough to shudder over the +abominations of prostitution and sex vice in general, and so to turn +our minds away from the whole matter. But for all that our emotional +energies would be better employed in trying to understand this titanic +force, and in learning how it may be utilized for our upward progress. +Mere prohibitions have so utterly and entirely failed us that we ought +now to realize that there is no hope in them alone. What we need is a +positive constructive ideal for this part of life which will indicate +the real value of the sexual forces in us, and not leave young men and +women partly perplexed, partly ashamed, and partly annoyed because they +are as the Creator made them. + +And so I repeat we must begin with the assumption that, though we have +not yet spelt it out, God must have had some great purpose of love when +He created men and women with a clamant sex instinct at the center of +their personalities. + +Hebrew instinct declared that "God saw everything that He had made, and +behold it was very good." Christian instinct must repeat the verdict +with vastly increased conviction, for our humanity is such that the Son +of God could wear it. He was not ashamed to call us brethren, and to be +tempted like as we are. To suggest that in passion and in its exercise +at the bidding of love there need be anything that is not holy, is to +arraign the Creator. Sex love abused and misunderstood has indeed +strewn the world with tragedies and disease. But sex love is going to +remain. Not until we have learnt to make it an instrument for the +perfection of life and the heightening of vitality can we hope to reach +the life which the love of God designed for us; and to that we shall +not attain until we have dared to acquire knowledge and through +knowledge to attain to wisdom. + +The ideal which still lingers in many minds, though it is seldom openly +confessed, is that boys and girls, young men and women, should be kept +in complete ignorance of the truth about their sexual natures until +they marry, and that then they should be left to learn all that they +need to know from Mother Nature direct. That at least would seem to be +a fair inference from the fact of the conspiracy of silence in which +ninety per cent of parents have engaged towards the beings they love +best. + +Unfortunately in order to carry out the policy thus implied it would be +necessary to keep children from associating with other children, to +forbid them to read the Bible, the great classics of literature, and +the daily papers--to keep them from the theatre, and from the study of +nature--in fact to bring them up in a world which does not exist. For +in all the ways I have suggested do boys and girls now collect garbled, +half-true, and distorted notions about sexual life. And even if it were +possible to carry out the policy it would still not be desirable. +Marriage is not the simple and easy thing which the policy would imply. +Mother Nature does not teach young couples all that they need to know. +Often they make serious mistakes in the first few days. Often they +mishandle and spoil the beautiful relationship on which they have +entered to their own disgust and disappointment. Uncounted couples +to-day have reason for the bitterness with which they complain that +nobody ever taught or helped them. In fact the policy of silence is as +cruel as its assumptions are untrue. Ignorance is an impossibility for +the young. Our choice lies between garbled, distorted, and defiled +knowledge and a knowledge that shall be clean, innocent, and helpful. +It has often happened that men and women brought up on the policy of +silence have first learnt the facts about life through some contact +with vice or sin, and those who know what horrible sufferings sudden +discoveries of that sort may mean for sensitive natures cannot possibly +have any doubts remaining on this point. There are few more cruel +things possible than to bring a girl up in the ignorance which is +mistaken for innocence and then to allow her to go out into the world +to learn the truth by chance, or through some unclean mind. + +That is why I gladly address myself to the task of this book, in which +at least some of the truth is told. + +Of course the real issue that stands in the background here is the one +which concerns the nature of true spirituality. We are all agreed that +the essential greatness of man lies in the fact that in him spirit may +rule everything else. And until spirit does thus rule he has not +reached his true life, But the question of the place of the body in the +full life of man still remains to be faced and thought out. + +The hermits of the desert assumed that the way of true life lay in the +repression of all bodily desire and as much negation of the body as is +consistent with mere existence. But in fact they often succeeded in +making life disgusting, and generally in making it useless. It may be +doubted whether they contributed anything to the real problem of +civilization. Yet their mistake is still repeated in part by many good +people. Many still think that the way of the higher life consists in +forgetting the body as much as possible in order that the soul may live +in freedom. They admit the body's needs with reluctance, and treat it +as something with no essential relation to their spiritual activities. +Often they willfully neglect the duty of health. Still more often they +believe they ought to regard with disapproval the clamant desires and +cravings of our bodily natures. But in so doing they miss the real +significance of the Incarnation. Our life here is an embodied life, and +it cannot be fine unless the body is finely tempered. That body is +designed as the instrument through which the spirit may find +expression. The first essential no doubt is to submit it to discipline +and so reduce it to the place of a servant. At all costs it must be +brought under control. It must be understood, and kept in good health. +And if these things be neglected the life of the spirit is hampered and +depressed. But still spirit must express itself through body, and all +the wealth of powers with which body is endowed has significance and +worth. + +For this reason the attempt to keep spiritual and bodily activities +separate always revenges itself upon its authors. On the one hand it +leads to an impoverishment of the spiritual life, for on these terms +the spirit is left with no fine instrument through which to express +itself in the real world. And on the other hand, bodily activities +divorced from the control of the spirit tend to become mere animal +things and so to produce disgust and degeneration. + +But indeed the body cannot without disaster be simply ignored. The +attempt merely to repress its manifold urgencies leads to a state in +which these forces seek out for themselves abnormal channels of +activity, so destroying the harmony and balance of life. The essential +glory of human beings lies in the fact that in them body and spirit may +be so wedded that their activities are woven into one harmonious whole. +It was in a moment of real insight that Robert Browning cried-- + + "Let us not always say, + 'Spite of this flesh to-day, +I strove, made head, gained ground upon the whole.' + As the bird wings and sings, + Let us cry, 'All good things +Are ours, nor soul helps flesh more now, than flesh helps + soul.'" + +Now all this is supremely true of the sexual part of life. If mere lust +is the vilest thing on earth, pure love is the most beautiful. And when +pure love dominates a life all the sexual activities of the body may be +transmuted and redeemed until a complete life is attained in which all +the primal forces of our beings find a happy exercise under the control +of a passion that is at once physical, mental, and spiritual. But the +body is not in this process denied. It is accepted, understood, and +made to play its true part. If passion be truly handled it provides the +driving force for a life that is effective, courageous, and joyous. He +is most truly living a spiritual life who has learnt to use all the +powers of his incarnate nature in a life of strenuous activity and +loyal love. + +I do not mean of course that there is no place in the highest type of +life for renunciation. Nor do I mean for a moment that only in marriage +can greatness and fullness of life be attained. It is hard to use words +correctly at a time when special meanings have come to be attached to +such words as repression and suppression. What the psychologists have +discovered is that unconscious, or incomplete, or unaccepted repression +of bodily instincts leads to a dangerous condition. He who has not +really surrendered desire, but simply tried to drive it underground, +may indeed reap troubles enough and to spare. + +But it needs no psychological training to know that deliberate, +sincere, and courageous renunciation of this or that bodily desire for +the sake of some compelling ideal may lead to the very finest kind of +life. Only in this process the body is not ignored. It is taken into +account. Nor are its forces neglected. Through the process technically +described as sublimation, a way is to be found whereby life force +restrained in one direction finds other and most valuable ways of +expression. + + * * * * * + +I write this book as one who has learnt to thank God for all the +elements in our normal humanity, and I send it out with the prayer in +my heart that through it some may be helped to a truer understanding +of themselves which will ease their way to success and joy and to that +fullness of human life which is the divine intention for us. + + + + + +CHAPTER I + + +KNOWING THE FACTS + + +The first essential equipment for a right journey through the country +of sexual experience is that we should know the truth about our bodies +--those temples of the Holy Ghost--and should understand the meaning of +the emotions and desires which connect themselves with our physical +constitution. + +Further, because the problem of sex can only be solved by the +cooperation of the sexes working together in mutual understanding it is +right that men should know a good deal about women's bodies and vice +versa. Such knowledge almost always begets sympathy and a certain +intelligent tenderness. The lack of it has often led to unconscious +cruelties, to misunderstandings, and even to serious mistakes. To +mention one instance only, how can men be expected to treat the other +sex with true consideration if they do not know that once a month for a +period women ought to be saved from fatigue and strain? And yet there +are many adult men in that position of ignorance. + +But though the detailed facts are all clean, and really easy to be +understood, the manner in which they are conveyed into our minds is of +vital importance. I do not think they can be fully conveyed through any +printed page. They are too delicate for such handling. They are not +truly conveyed unless behind the mere words which express them there is +a reverent soul that can impart the right tone and emphasis to them. I +would quite gladly attempt to put them all down here could I only be +assured that my words would only be read by men or women when alone and +in a reverent mood. That being impossible I can only begin by insisting +that they ought to be known. And this I can also do--I can assure all +young people who read these pages that there is nothing whatever in the +facts of the case to be afraid of--nothing that they cannot know with +perfectly clean minds. There are no terrible mysteries in the matter. +There are no horrors in normal sex life. The truth even about the +ultimate intimacies of body between men and women is that when truly +achieved they are beautiful, and holy, and happy. + +But how are young people to get the right knowledge? The worst possible +way in which to get it is to pick it up bit by bit in connection with +evil stories, the reports of divorce cases, and the hints of vice which +lurk in life's shadowy corners. Yet that has been the most common way +in the past. Quite little boys have passed on mysterious stories from +mouth to mouth defiling the whole matter. Many girls have first begun +to wonder and to ask questions when they first heard of an illegitimate +child. Words in the Bible, such as "lasciviousness" and so on, have +started mere school children asking questions to which probably they +only got distorted answers from other school children. Just because +their parents did not tell them anything, they have assumed that there +must be something to be ashamed of in the truth. And so ninety per cent +of boys, and I know not what proportion of girls, have the subject of +sex spoiled for them even before adolescence. Sex, sexual experience, +passion, and so on are things they think half unclean and yet +annoyingly interesting. They are half ashamed, and yet remain curious. +Some are half afraid. Some rather more than half disgusted. Some indeed +try to banish the whole subject from their minds. This may seem to be a +refined thing to do; but, as we know with a new definiteness since the +psychologists have explored the matter, it is really a disastrous thing +to do. For to adapt ourselves to sex is one of the problems that cannot +be escaped. In this world we cannot live the disembodied life. What we +may do is to live a clean and happy bodily life, but only if we build +our house of life on knowledge. + +Wherefore to all young men and women I would say--Get to know the real +truth from someone you can trust. Go to some older man or woman with a +clean mind and a large heart, and learn about yourself. Of course the +best people in the world to go to are your own parents; but if for any +reason that resource is not open to you, go to a doctor or a minister +or some senior friend. It is worth while to take a lot of trouble to +find the right person, and it is still more worth while to take trouble +to avoid the wrong person. Find someone who has seen the hand of God in +the facts of sex and who can therefore talk about them without +embarrassment. And do not let yourself be deterred by the fact that you +may have made mistakes already of which you are ashamed. Most of us +made mistakes in our early years just because of the same ignorance +which has been your fate. And therefore we are not shocked. We are just +sorry, and would like to help. It is not true that mistakes inevitably +spoil the future. Forgiveness, recovery, and new life are possibilities +for us all. And if you have already made mistakes through ignorance, +that is but one reason more why you should know the truth without +delay. When you are told the truth you will be learning something about +God as well as about yourself, for He made you. + +Nor is it only for your own sake that you ought to know. If you want to +achieve helpful relations to men or women, and ultimately to achieve a +right relation to husband or wife, you need to know the plain facts +about our incarnate life. Men and women often make the right way of +life more difficult for each other by mere ignorance. You need to know +if you are to be really kind. + +I cannot forget that when young men and women of sensitive and refined +natures come to this knowledge all at once, when already adults, it may +at first create a sense of repulsion. It does not do so for those who +have learnt the facts bit by bit as they were ready for them. In that +case they are accepted easily and naturally. But with the others it may +well be that just because they have clean and delicate minds, they may +at first experience some real distaste when they come to understand the +creative processes through which they were born. But to any such I +would say that against that possibility they may be forearmed, if they +will but believe that when love takes two people into its charge the +physical consequences all come to seem natural and right and sacred. +You need never know anything of these matters at first hand except when +real love for some man or woman has mastered you, and then the +experiences to which that love will lead you will be found to be pure, +and simple, and happy. If you approach this part of life with +reluctance or in fear, or with some mistaken sense of shame, you may +spoil it, and spoil somebody else's life in addition. But if you will +believe this plain witness, which thousands would unite in offering +you, you may be greatly helped. Ultimately your way to success in this +part of life lies in accepting your nature with its sexual elements-- +not in trying to be a sexless person. That is not the way of purity. It +is the way of folly. Therefore again I say--Do not be afraid of the +facts. Those who have traveled that country report to you "There is +nothing here to be afraid of--at least there used to be nothing." + +And now in case these pages are read by some young married persons who +still have before them the chance to serve their own children in this +matter, may I insist that a solemn obligation rests on them to see that +their children learn the truth in a simple and natural way from the +lips of their fathers and mothers? The ideal way in this connection is +that children should learn about their own bodies from the same people +who first tell them about God and goodness. When that happens there is +no danger that they will slip into an unclean attitude towards sex, for +children nearly always accept the things their parents tell them as +natural and right things. + +Perhaps the first step in the way is to decide never to tell children +anything that is not strictly true. When your little girls or boys ask +how babies come, tell them that they could not understand, but that you +will tell them as soon as they are old enough. And then very early tell +them at least that babies come from the bodies of their mothers. The +first wrong turn that the thoughts of many of us took in connection +with sex was when some older person was made embarrassed or angry by +our natural questions. We made a note then and there that there must be +something queer and wrong about the way babies come, and the impression +sank down into the unconscious part of us to bring forth mischief for +years to come. But if a parent's own attitude to sex is clean and true +he or she will find it quite possible to tell the plain truth to +innocent little minds. The first bit of knowledge imparted, namely that +babies come from the bodies of their mothers, will often beget a new +attitude of regard and chivalry in children towards their own mothers. +I can say with certainty that it is very good for a boy to know that +for his sake his own mother once went through both pain and risk. + +And then let the rest all come naturally. It is better to tell your +children in almost any way than not to tell them at all, but the best +way is not to make a solemn occasion of the telling, but to let the +knowledge pass from you to them as incidents and occasions suggest. If +you have contact with nature in common with your children the occasions +will be many for telling them about flower and animal life. And this +will naturally lead on to instruction about human beings. Even if such +contact with nature should be impossible, life in any place and in any +guise will assuredly present you with opportunities for your teaching. +And in any case try to get in _first_. Before the slime of schoolboy +talk or the follies of schoolgirl talk have defiled the +subject tell your children about it, as about something sacred and +beautiful--much too sacred and beautiful for the chatter of idle hours +in playgrounds, etc. You will be surprised, if you have forgotten your +own childhood, how early it is necessary to do all this if you are to +get in first. No general rules about the right age can be laid down. +Children differ enormously in regard to the ages at which they pass +from stage to stage in their development. You will need to watch and to +understand. Above all do not let your telling take the form of mere +prohibitions. Do not let it stand related in the first case to warnings +against sins. You do not want to associate the idea of sin in the first +case with this subject at all. What you can do is to implant a certain +reverence in a child's mind in relation to the whole matter, and if you +succeed in that you will have forearmed your child against sin. I long +to know that children are learning about sex not in association with +scoldings, reproofs, and warnings, but rather as part of the splendid +truth of God. It is the association of the facts of sex with the sins +of men and women that has spoilt this part of life for most minds. Of +course it is only kind to tell boys and girls where it is that they may +go wrong--it _is_ necessary to put them on their guard. But that +should be a secondary matter--a mere addition to your teaching. + +My own experience as a minister has brought to my knowledge several +very pathetic instances of how young girls get into very serious +trouble just through lack of the knowledge their mothers ought to have +given them. It seems possible still for a girl even of seventeen or +eighteen, or even much older, to be almost incredibly ignorant, and no +words are too strong to describe the cruelty of allowing them to face +life in that condition. + +In any case let your teaching be, in general terms at least, complete +before adolescence. If you wait till adolescence has begun, the telling +may cause undue excitement. If you finish your general teaching before +that stage it will save your child from much unwholesome curiosity. + +And here, though the subject must necessarily be distasteful to many, +as it is to myself, I must put in a word about self-abuse. [Footnote: +Knowing from experience that a good many parents do not even know what +self-abuse means, let me simply say that it consists in such handling +of the genital organs as creates emotional and physical sexual +excitement of a kind that is obviously unnatural.] In recent years a +large number of men have given me their confidence, so that I am not +speaking from hearsay when I state that a percentage of men which +probably approximates to seventy-five are, at least for a time, victims +of this habit. + +I know that it is easy to exaggerate the physical and mental evil +effects of it. But what is beyond all question is that it produces bad +psychic consequences, and does so leave men out of conceit with +themselves that when they realize that they have become victims to the +habit their mental sufferings are often pitifully acute. Indeed, it is +because my pity and sympathy have been so drawn out to many men I know +that I cannot forbear to speak on behalf of those who may yet be saved +from it. The facts about it are that the habit is often begun at an +almost inconceivably early age. It is very often begun without any +sense that it is wrong, and certainly without any knowledge of how evil +it is. And once it has been begun, it is horribly hard to abandon. +Uncounted good men have to confess to-day that in their younger days +they never did achieve liberation in spite of constant efforts. +Uncounted men have brought about in this way a certain perversion of +their natures with regard to their sexual functions which clouded their +lives for many years. And yet the cure for this situation is very +simple and almost easy. The men who have completely escaped practically +all testify that they owe their immunity to the kindly and timely +advice of some wise senior. The habit is _not_ natural, and therefore +it is _not_ hard never to begin it. If it has not been begun in boyhood +a very little determination will keep an adult man from falling into +it. And this means that in this case parents can, if they will, save +the rising generation. Perhaps it is mothers chiefly who will have to +render this service just because the habit is begun so very early, +while boys are still in very close association with their mothers. I +may seem to be contradicting what I have just said about mere warnings, +but I would certainly say that any sort of arresting warning is better +than inaction in the matter. Yet even in this matter any kind of harsh +warning is not the best way. A boy can be taught that there is a +certain sanctity about certain parts of his body. He can be taught to +treat them scrupulously and hardily. He can be given positive ideas +which will save him, though I also believe that he ought to be told +with definiteness to avoid this particular snare. I know of no other +case in which a little wise love and timely vigilance may have such +tremendous results in saving a child from future suffering and mistake. +Does anything more need to be said to mothers who really love their +sons! + +I have written these things about boys and men because it is in that +connection that I can speak from first-hand knowledge. But several +women doctors have told me of late that there is a very real need that +girls also should be helped in view of the similar danger which lies in +their path. With them the habit is no doubt much less common. But it is +common enough, and has serious enough consequences, to constitute a +call to parents in their case also. + +Most of those who read these pages will themselves be young. If they +have troubled to read the paragraphs I have just written a number of +them will, I know, be moved to say to themselves, "We would give +anything if our parents had done these things for us." Yes! it is a +great pity they did not. But do not be hard upon your parents. They +were the victims of a wrong tradition. The conspiracy of silence had in +their day been given almost religious sanctions. Some of them were +themselves embarrassed by the whole subject just because no clean +persuasions about it were current in their youth. That was their +calamity, as it has in part been yours. But no such calamity need +overtake your children. If you can and will cleanse your minds now--if +you will take this whole subject out into the cleansing light of God, +and look at it there till you have seen the divine truth about sex--if +you can escape embarrassment and attain to thankfulness, then you will +be able to keep this whole matter clean for your children. Your +generation has suffered much. The next need not. And remember that +whatever doctors, teachers, and ministers may do for the nation, it +must be parents who will save us in the long run. + +You at least can get ready. + + + + + +CHAPTER II + + +COMRADESHIP + + +The first outstanding social consequence of sex is the mutual +attraction of young men and women in general. With apologies in the +meantime to the girls who "have no use for men" and to the queer men +who "don't like girls," I propose to speak to the great majority. To +many a healthy and normal man there is nothing so wonderful or +beautiful in all God's earth as a woman. And the converse is often +true. The most interesting thing about the world for many of each sex +is that the other sex is in it also. + +Those who share the assumption on which this book is written will agree +that an influence so strong, so profound, and so universal must have +some fine significance in the divine scheme of things. It is an element +in humanity which must affect the whole of life. To handle it rightly +must be necessary if life as a whole is to succeed. And the first step +towards a right handling of it is to accept the fact of it gladly and +openly. The convention lingers that it is a little weak in a man to +admit that he needs and craves woman's society, and that for a girl to +admit the converse is not quite modest. And thus there is often a +certain furtive element in the relations of the sexes between fifteen +and twenty-five which is all of it a great pity. It is here that Mrs. +Grundy has done us real injury. The poor old dear has been so fussy and +nervous about it all. She has often tried to close the doors upon free +and wholesome fellowship, and so has driven the young to find out other +ways of meeting. But even she has not been able to keep the sexes +apart. The truth is that the mutual relations of men and women in the +realm of comradeship, and quite apart from marriage, may be so happy +and enriching--so exhilarating and so bracing--that one may reverently +say the whole arrangement of having divided mankind into two such +groups, is one of the most splendid of the divine thoughts. For many a +man the joy and worth of life depend largely upon women. The things he +gets on his journey from his mother, his sisters, and his girl friends +--from his wife, his daughters, and the women friends of later days are +the golden things in life. And I know that many a woman would say a +corresponding thing about the life career of a woman. That is God's +plan--to make us dependent on one another for the stimuli, the +inspirations, and the joys which prevent life from becoming drab and +monotonous. "In the beginning God made them male and female," because +He loved them. He made them gloriously different that they might enjoy +and help each other. + +It is one of the mysteries of history that for uncounted centuries man +imagined that he only needed woman in her capacity as a wife and +potential mother--that for long ages woman had no place in society +except as wife or mother. Why it was so long before the spirit of God +moved women to shatter that conception, I do not understand. But with +its shattering there appeared for a time a tendency to imagine that men +and women are in most things practically the same, and that the +difference of sex is a very little thing. Many people seemed inclined +to believe that a woman is just the same sort of being as a man, except +for one special function--that of motherhood--which can only be +exercised occasionally, and need not be exercised at all. That I am +sure was a mistake with the possibility of disaster in it. No doubt +there are men with many feminine characteristics, and women with many +masculine ones. But woman is not only physically different from man. +She is different mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. And that is +just why we need her so much in all life's departments. + +We need woman in politics, for instance, just because she is different +from man. If the extension of the franchise to some millions of women +had meant merely that the number of people had been increased who would +think and vote simply as men had previously thought and voted, it would +have been no great event. If women members of Parliament are going to +be mere replicas of the old type of M. P., then they might as well save +themselves the bondage of Westminster, for their presence there will +make no valuable difference. But we do need them in the constituencies +and in the House exactly because they bring new and different vital +forces to bear on the conduct of affairs. Experience is already +teaching us that men and women think more truly together than they do +apart. There is something about the sweep and range of man's thought +which is peculiarly stimulating to woman's mind, and there are aspects +of truth to which men remain blind until women point them out. For this +reason very often mixed committees act more wisely than committees of +only one sex. I suspect that the same thing holds in relation to art, +and even to scientific work. It certainly holds in connection with +social work, and church work. In fact in all life's departments, with a +few obvious exceptions, men and women supplement and stimulate one +another, and by comradeship make a bigger and better thing of life than +would be possible otherwise. + +I am not assuming that a fine comradeship is necessarily an easy thing +to achieve. I should be surprised if it were, for I know of no fine +things that can be attained easily. Comradeship between the sexes is +rapidly spoilt by "silliness." It has to be based upon a considerable +amount of restraint. It can be and it ought to be "jolly," but it +becomes a poor thing at once when either man or woman forgets dignity. +We are still at the experimental stage in traveling through this new +country that has opened up to us within the last twenty years; and if +that is a reason for being very charitable about mistakes, it is also a +reason for being alert to find the right paths. + +I am very much impressed by the opportunity that lies before students +as a class in this matter. In most of our universities and colleges men +and women meet in the freest way, and they only and for themselves can +discover how this new kind of life is best conducted. College rules and +regulations are not going to do it for them. Indeed the older +generation is not going to do it for them. But if they will find out +the right way and establish for themselves the right standards and +conventions, they may do an immense service for the rest of the nation. +And I believe they are already in large measure doing this. My +experience has on the whole made me entirely hopeful, and has deepened +my faith in the fitness of men and women for freedom. + +None the less and although I belong to the older generation, I propose +to offer some suggestions for this part of life. I cannot make much use +of the word "flirting." It has nearly as many different meanings as +Bolshevism. By some people it is applied to any high-spirited and happy +intercourse between men and women, in which case it signifies only a +right and good thing. Some people mean by it "playing at being in +love," in which case it is a silly and unworthy occupation which saps +the real love power in men and women. Others again mean by it the whole +bundle of silly and sentimental manners which some men and some women +assume when in the presence of the other sex, and in that sense of the +word flirting means just exactly the foolish thing that common sense +would declare it to be. What I am quite sure of is that success in this +comradeship between the sexes depends upon the discovery of a right way +which lies between the coldness which is the negation of good +fellowship, and the undue familiarity which is both dangerous and +undignified. We men have in the past been accustomed to boast that we +will go just as far towards familiarity as women will allow, and have +declared that this whole matter is one which women must regulate. Male +opinion on the whole used to regard a man as something less than a +sport who would not take liberties wherever he saw they would not be +resented. To use any sort of compulsion was indeed held to be +ungentlemanly, but short of that men have recognized no compulsion of +honor bidding them refrain from familiarities. "That's the girl's +affair," they have often said. But this is really a flagrant case of +the way in which we men deceive ourselves and assume positions that are +both dishonest and cruel. I call this particular one dishonest because +it is absurd for us to pretend that our expectations and desires have +no influence on girls, and that therefore we have no responsibility for +events. Of course girls will tend to give what men in general persist +in asking. They are just as human as we are. Our conventional +assumption that they are always mistresses of the situation--models of +perfect self-mastery and understanding--is ridiculous and unkind. It is +the age-long injustice which men have practiced towards women to +pretend that they are creatures without passion and by nature always +in control of their emotions. We know it is not true, and yet we act on +the pretence that it is. And I call this position of ours cruel because +there is no reason whatever why we should try to lay on women the whole +burden of refining and controlling our mutual relations. Why should we +not take our share of the task? Since history began we have asked many +things of women, and then kept our real respect for those who refused +them--a mean and cowardly attitude. Women are not angels and it is mere +sentimental nonsense to pretend that they are. But they can be splendid +companions when men help them towards the attaining of that +relationship. Often we have seemed to want of them only sentimental +dalliance, with the result that they often grant it. But many women +would rather pass men by altogether than meet them in that way, +although most really long for some relationship that will call into +exercise the mental, aesthetic, and spiritual powers of both men and +women. Indeed there is ground for this charge against both men and +women, that often in social intercourse with one another they suspend +the exercise of the finer parts of their natures. We have all known men +of great intellectual gifts and wide experience who when "the ladies" +appear promptly put on the garb of mere triflers. And we have also +known women with very real literary, or artistic, or intellectual gifts +who treat men primarily as beings to be played with. And so do many +people miss the enriching joys of companionship, and make social +intercourse petty and wearisome. I believe most women want to know +whatever is big and strong and efficient in men and not merely to find +out whether they are good at badinage. And though many men think they +are afraid of serious and clever women, they really in their hearts +want to discover the responsible and sincere qualities in the +personalities of girls and not merely the surface ones. + +God forbid that we should banish chaff and jest from our common life, +or pretend to be old while still we are young! God forbid that we +should be prim and Puritan when the sun shines and life calls! There +are no sillier things in life than the mere affectations of +intellectuality. Mere solemnity is both an ugly and a futile thing, and +nothing is duller than a constant enforced earnestness. I remember a +dear old celibate professor of mine who, having met a number of +self-consciously intellectual women, became so annoyed that at last +when asked whether he did not rejoice in the higher education of women +he broke out with the sentence, "No! I don't like clever women--I like +silly girls." The story may be apocryphal. The man at least was human +enough to have said it. All that I am pleading for is that men and +women should cease to hide from one another the deeper interests and +concerns that really are present in their lives--that they should not +merely play together but should also think together. + +As to the detailed manners and customs which should control comradeship +I claim no authority to speak dogmatically, and, as I have said, I am +sure the rising generation will have to settle these things for itself. +I am at least sure that both the stately coldness of Lady Vere de Vere +and the familiarity in which dignity is forgotten are fatal. I confess +to the hope that the linking of arms and the slapping of one another on +the shoulder are not going to be characteristics of social intercourse +in the future. And as to kissing I confess myself unblushingly +conservative--Victorian if you will. Nine times out of ten it may not +be a thing worth making any fuss about. But it is a mistake. Partly, to +put it bluntly, because kissing sometimes arouses desires which kissing +cannot satisfy; and partly because it is, I believe, a fine instinct +which suggests to both men and women that they should keep their kisses +for the one person who will or may some day have love's right to them. + +And here I think I ought to put down for the sake of girls a fact of +which they are often ignorant. When you allow men to embrace and kiss +you--even when you allow them lesser familiarities--you may go your way +thinking no more about it and undisturbed. The whole thing may not +really have stirred you. But with men it is not so. Often by such +things tumults are raised in them whereby the way of self-control and +chastity is made cruelly difficult. Only some of you do it, and you +have done it generally in ignorance. When you realize the truth you +will see that it is unkind--possibly you may even realize that it is +dangerous. And yet I do not want to overstate even this point. I heard +lately of a girl who, having been told the truth, became so nervous +that she was afraid to sit within five feet of a man and found general +social intercourse spoilt for her. There are no dangers for men, but on +the contrary there is very great help for men, in the society of girls +who will meet them in a spontaneous, natural, and friendly way. It is +when the girls who should be their natural companions are found to be +prudish and stiff that men are all too apt to look for other girls who +will at least be friendly and often much more than friendly. All that I +want girls to know is that there are dangers on the horizon of this +part of life, and to ask them to use their wisdom and their common +sense. What I ask of men is that they should cease meanly trying to +avoid responsibility in this connection, and should face their half of +the problem. For the problem _is_ worth solving. Happy, free, wholesome +companionship between men and women is a bracing and splendid thing. We +cannot possibly solve the whole problem of human life till we have +attained to it. + +And now a last word to the people to whom at the beginning I offered an +apology--to the exceptional young people who take no interest in the +other sex. I do not commend your attitude. It is not wise. If it is in +your case instinctive and spontaneous you need not worry, for nature +will soon cure it. But if you have consciously adopted it, or are +deliberately retaining it, you are making a serious mistake. You are +not sexless beings, and by adopting this attitude you are repressing +certain parts of your natures which will one day make their presence +felt whether you like it or no, and possibly in unhappy and unnatural +ways. Girl friendships cannot fully and finally satisfy any girl. +Companionships with other men are insufficient for any man. Instincts +in your beings which may not be denied demand something else. + +If you have decided that there is nothing worth while in the +fellowships that may exist between men and women, surely it is plain +that you must be wrong, for the verdict of nine-tenths of mankind is +against you. If you have in you any positive antagonism to the other +sex, that is in itself a manifestation of your sexual nature, and a bad +one. + +There is a fine, breezy, sunny world full of beauty, interest, and deep +satisfaction for our humanity, the doors of which you are closing on +yourselves. If some people have traveled there unwisely or have lost +their way in it, that is only a coward's reason for staying outside. +Things may seem to be going very well with you in spite of your +attitude while you are still in the early twenties--you may say that +you are getting from life all that you want. But as you approach the +thirties you will infallibly discover your mistake. Nature will then +assert herself. A certain mysterious loneliness will overtake you, and +life will lose its flavor. In all modern life there is no harder +problem than the one which arises for those who without any will of +their own have to face that situation. To court it is mere folly. As a +matter of fact behind your attitude there lies concealed the attempt to +deny your sex, and that is the one impossible thing to do. You may +control it, discipline it, or sublimate it; but you will do nothing but +make trouble for yourself till you have accepted it. If it annoys you +to find that you are not sufficient in yourself for yourself--if in +particular you resent the mere suggestion that the other sex should in +any way be necessary to your completeness and happiness, you are really +quarrelling with the established nature of things. You may do that if +you like, but there is always only one end to the quarrel. It is we who +get broken, not the eternal order. + + + + + +CHAPTER III + + +LOVE + + +The crowning fact about sex is that it makes possible the experience of +being in love. I am sure that all possibility of a right handling of +sex problems depends upon a true understanding and valuation of love-- +that beautiful and imperious emotion which masters and transforms both +men and women, which is closely linked with the creative instinct, and +which at a certain stage in its growth calls into being the whole group +of tumultuous sensations and demands known as passion that it may +achieve its own fulfillment. If we know the truth about this matter we +shall with comparative ease answer most of the questions which arise in +connection with sex. + +By what divine and mysterious instinct it is that love is awakened I do +not know. A man may know and appreciate a score of women, and yet +remain in the depths of him essentially unmoved; and then some one +woman with no conscious purpose will release some secret spring of life +in the depths of his personality, whereby she becomes for him hence +forth the center of the world. It may happen that this love comes on +the heels of knowledge and grows out of friendship. I believe they are +fortunate persons to whom things happen in this way. But it may also be +that the mysterious instinct will do its work at a first meeting. Love +at first sight may be quite incomprehensible and unreasonable, but it +is a fact none the less. One meeting may fix the destiny of a man or a +woman, even though the second may not occur for months or even years. + +The days that immediately follow this experience may not be happy days. +Many a man has to serve and wait ere he can awaken love in her who is +to him the one woman in the world. Many a woman has to wait and wonder +and face distress. Then, too, till the stage of mutual acknowledgment +is reached love makes men and women awkward. They do uncouth, crude, +and clumsy things. They get into muddles. They make mistakes. It would +seem that some delicate process of mutual adjustment is often necessary +before two souls can really find each other, and while the stumbling +preliminary days last, love is often a torture as well as a delight. +Nor are the best lovers the most successful at first. A superficial +emotion may be easily handled, but a deep one will upset a man and make +him strange to himself. And so two people will maneuver and wander and +baffle each other. They will often be sure and then uncertain by turns, +and will wonder whether love does not chiefly mean hopeless +complications. + +But when two souls do really discover each other, then at once a new +life begins, so radiant, beautiful, stimulating, and mysterious, that +even the poets have failed to find sufficient words for it. In their +hearts two lovers always know that this is what they were made for-- +that this is the very core and essence of human existence. I think they +generally know that they have been ushered into a house of life of +which they are quite unworthy, and that they take their first steps +therein in reverence and in awe. + +Let me simply enumerate some of the manifest consequences of this love. + +1. From the very first love expresses itself as a reaching after +intimacy. For many days two lovers are busy telling each other all +about themselves, about their past experiences, their hopes and +aspirations, their doubts and fears, their relations to other people, +and their various circumstances. They want to know and be known. They +want to share everything. Towards mere friends we do well to practice +some reserve. By talking about ourselves we may be apt to bore them. +But lovers want to know everything, and are wise if they have no +reserves. + +2. Then, secondly, love obviously increases the vitality and so adds to +the physical beauty of both men and women. Indeed it increases vigor of +all kinds, producing new powers of sheer physical and nervous +endurance. What will a man who is truly in love not do for love's sake, +and that without thinking of fatigue! What untold things women have +accomplished under the spur of the same inspiration. + +3. Thirdly, it awakens the latent idealism of both, It is not by +accident that men in love are found trying to write poetry, though it +may be a bad accident if other people have to try to read it. Of course +we laugh at this naïve habit, because poetry seems a thing incongruous +with the ordinary prosaic man, with his baggy trousers and clumsy ways. +But for my part I rather incline to thank God that such an impulse +should ever disturb the average man. What could be better than that at +one stage of his life at least he should try to reach the stars. And if +from the works of real poets we were to banish all the love-inspired +poetry, how paltry would the remainder seem. + +4. Still further, love awakens the soul. Our spiritual capacities share +in the general stimulus which it brings. It is not by chance that +courting couples go to church. They do _not_ go simply to whisper in +the gallery, and if they do hold hands during the sermon I do not think +that God is ill pleased. They go because the inspiration of love +inclines them to long after God. Of course it does. All love is of God, +and this special kind bears openly upon it the marks of its divine +origin. And while on the one hand it is true that love leads towards +religion, it is equally true that without a sense of things spiritual +love cannot be its perfect self. Perhaps the commonest cause of the +failure of love lies in some arrest of spiritual development. For when +the soul is asleep, what is left of love is a poor thing. + +5. And then, fifthly, at some point in its growth love summons passion +into life. What has been hitherto an emotion of the heart becomes also +a tumultuous activity of the whole being, and love having mastered the +whole incarnate nature of each in turn drives the two together in that +oneness of the flesh which is the decree of God. No doubt it is just +here that the compulsions of civilized society set a serious problem +for ardent lovers. Primitive men probably knew nothing of a period of +engagement, and lovers would proceed to become wholly wedded just as +soon as nature laid her compelling hand upon them. But it is our glory +that we are not simply the tools of natural forces. We belong to the +directorate in this life, and even on the force of love we can impose +times and seasons. But when the right time does come, then lovers who +have already been attaining to union of heart and mind express their +passion also in the union of their bodies, and this wonderful +experience, when it does so enter life, is realized as something +sacramental. It is literally and exactly an expression in the terms of +the body of something which is already a spiritual fact. Nothing +satisfies real love except this complete mingling of two personalities. +It is not satisfied without physical intimacy, and yet physical +intimacy alone is not enough. That which is satisfied by mere physical +intimacy is not love. The full human passion which alone deserves that +name calls also for intimacies of mind and spirit--for the interplay of +two personalities through the whole stretch of their powers. But it +cannot be too strongly said that on the terms I have indicated the +ultimate bodily union of two lovers is a beautiful and happy thing. It +is felt to be something with large spiritual consequences. In some +mysterious way it really does bind souls together. Each knows that +henceforth he or she is bound to the other for life, and a man is +usually moved by a glowing sense of reverent gratitude to the woman who +has thus trod with him the strange paths of that new country. +Considered apart from love, such an experience may seem to be gross, +because apart from love it is gross. But as an incident in the +communion of two loyal hearts it is realized as a pure and natural +thing. Through it the flesh is caught up into harmony with the spirit +and is thereby redeemed. A certain new balance and repose of being is +attained whereby a whole personality will experience a wonderful sense +of liberation. [Footnote: I do not think the creative instinct often +enters into consciousness at this point. It does so with some women, +but with very few men. As a rule the real content of the experience is +just an ardent desire in each for utter nearness to the other. It is +the expression of their love that they desire. It is each other that +they love--not as yet any third person.] + +6. And then, sixthly, from love that has thus run its natural and +ordained course a new life results. Even human love has creative value, +and by it the doors are opened into that most sacred world in which a +man and a woman succumb together to the power and beauty of an infant, +thrill together over its untold charms, and find that little hands are +clutching at their hearts with amazing and mystic power. And not until +that point is reached is love made perfect. Mere lover's love is a +selfish thing. I do not say it in criticism, for I believe lovers have +an inalienable right to live for a while simply for each other. But +from the point when they bend together over a baby's cradle they take a +step up in life, and their love becomes a call to service, whereby its +selfishness is purged away. Parentage is usually thought of as +supremely the crown of a woman's life. So it is, though it is not its +only possible crown. But I believe that it is equally the crown of a +man's life. It is perhaps true that the production of true fathers +belongs to a later stage of human evolution than the production of +mothers, for fathers are not so obviously essential to young children. +But I hazard the suggestion that one of the prime needs of the stage at +which we have now arrived is just that men should learn the arts and +powers of fatherhood, and take a larger part in the rearing of +children. And I believe men will find, as I have said, that parentage +is for them also the crown of life. With many men the emotions that +come with fatherhood are the deepest of which they are capable, and +they are also the finest. Even men who seem to me pretty low in the +scale of humanity often recover some of their lost manhood when under +the power of their own little children. And with normal men their +fatherhood comes to dominate life. + +Its most obvious result is that it compels a man to work, and to work +hard. We are mostly born slackers. We should like to take many +holidays, and if we were left alone we would do it. But parentage binds +us to the wheel. We discover that we have got to face the grind, +because the plain alternative is that the bairns would starve. And so +we do it. Of course at times we rebel. You may hear men every now and +then complaining half cynically and half humorously that, having once +been indiscreet enough to fall in love, they were thenceforth swept +along by rapids till at last they found themselves involved in all the +paraphernalia of family life from perambulators to doctor's bills. But +there are few men who do not know in their hearts that the toils have +been the making of them. If love led only to delights, it would ruin +us. It is because it leads also to heavy labor that it makes us. It is +because I see this so clearly that I am not so much distressed as some +people are over the fact that motherhood also means very hard work. +[Footnote: No doubt in our disordered social life it often means far +too much work. No doubt thousands of mothers are simply crushed by it. +But it is not a good thing when mothers can evade even reasonably hard +work.] The great discoveries of the moral and spiritual worlds are only +made in and through work--yes, and sometimes through work that is sheer +grind. There is no other road to moral or spiritual maturity either for +man or woman. I have this deeply rooted objection to inherited wealth-- +that it makes possible an escape from this redeeming discipline, and by +removing one of the normal consequences of love often leads to the +spoiling of love. + +Let us, however, be clear about this further fact--love does not merely +lead to enforced labor, it also redeems that labor. Not merely does a +man face up to his job because it is in a sense done for love's sake, +but love itself supplies the necessary respite and counterbalance to +the burden of toil. We all need recreations. The tightly drawn string +must be relaxed. Moods come when normal and quite Christian men say, +"Oh, I can't stick it any longer; I want to enjoy myself." We naturally +demand that there should be an element of delight somewhere in life. +Notoriously it is rather hard to come by. City crowds at night present +the spectacle of people making huge and fevered efforts to run delight +to earth and often achieving only pitiful failure. I believe the normal +way in which delight ought to enter the lives of married people is just +through their satisfaction in each other's society, enriched by the +society of their children. When a man and a woman have made the right +sort of home they escape finally from all fevered cravings after +picture-houses and ball-rooms. There lies to hand for them that which +will day after day refresh and delight them, and make them ready for +to-morrow's toil. + +I am not forgetting that at this point modern voices will want to break +in on me with appropriate quotations from Bernard Shaw and others, and +try to silence me by pointing out what a mean, petty, dull, sickly, and +stodgy thing mere domesticity can be. Yes! it can be all that for +people who let it be all that. Even love that once was passionate +cannot redeem the life of two people unless there is something there to +redeem. Two lifeless and stupid people living together _can_ make of +life something duller than either could make alone. If it be part of +general wisdom to try to live widely and fully, and to use as much of +our natures as is possible, that is surely as true for two people +together as it could be for them apart. And to make a marriage into a +great thing both parties to it must work to make it wide in its +horizons and worthy because of the multitude of its interests. No sane +persons imagine that mere marriage excuses people from the necessity +for handling this big, mysterious, and difficult thing which we call +human life with vigilance and determination. But life on any terms for +the great majority of people must have monotonous and trying periods in +it. It almost always has heavy sorrows and not a few bitter +disappointments. And it is in view of these things that married love is +found to have redeeming power. It is one of the lies of the cynic that +love must needs burn itself out somewhere about the forties. Thousands +of people have found at forty that the best was yet to be. For the fact +is that all through the afternoon of life and even when the shadows +lengthen towards the end love will still send beams of beauty and +romance into daily life, and remaining still passionate will put golden +content into the passing hours. + +It is life stories of this sort which alone reveal the meaning and +purpose of God in making the sex interest so almighty and central in +life. We do not understand love till we have thus looked on towards +the end. When it is allowed to run its true course it does in this way +redeem life. + +If I am told that I have drawn a hopelessly idealized picture of +married love, I can only reply by a blunt denial. Twenty-five years of +intimate contact with ordinary people have taught me these things. The +kind of life I have pictured is going on in uncounted small and unknown +homes all over the country. It is going on with commonplace people who +are neither very interesting nor very clever, but who are wise enough +to be simple and human. The real wonder of love is just that it can +lift two commonplace people into a life that is not commonplace. And +that is just how most of us get our chance in life. The people who are +going through these experiences are for the most part quiet people. We +do not hear about them. They do not have novels written about them, and +they supply no copy for the society newspapers. It is the other people +who advertise their woes. It is the unhappily married who make a noise. +Only the very greatest novelists can make a good novel out of the story +of a successful marriage. But apparently almost anyone can produce +stories that people will read if only he or she puts in enough highly +colored material about the aberrations of lovers and the possible ways +in which marriage can be wrecked. It is sheer untruth to say that most +marriages are failures. In most indeed there are ups and downs. The +most affectionate couples make mistakes and quarrel over trifles. Love +does not make all tempers smooth in a hurry. But love does teach people +how to get past such troubles. It does bring balance and repose into +life for both husband and wife. It does tend to produce efficiency and +health in those who handle it truly. It does make for normal and happy +development. + +It is only with this background of positive truth about normal love +that I can approach the other questions which must be dealt with in +this book. If we are going to inquire as to the sanctions of the +received moral standards, and the reasons which make the moral struggle +worth while--if we are going to find the truth about the way in which +to conduct married life, and find any light on the question of birth +control, it can only be in relation to the positive truth about love +and its manifold reactions on human beings. We shall never learn to +manage the emotions and desires which arise from our sexual natures +until we have first understood what it is that nature is trying to +achieve through these means. To a number of these further questions I +shall pass on in the succeeding chapters. + +I hope I may do so now on the assumption that anything is worth while +if only we can conserve for ourselves the possibility of such a career +of experience as I have outlined, and that whatever spoils such +experience beforehand, or renders it impossible, is really an enemy +both to our well-being and our happiness. If + + "Life, with all it yields of joy and woe + And hope and fear... + Is just our chance o' the prize of learning love + How love might be, hath been indeed and is," + +then the key to all morality and all sound practical wisdom is just to +conserve at all costs our chance of knowing love--love pure, +passionate, fruitful, and holy. + + +_Unreturned Love_ + + +I ask myself whether I can say anything of use to those who love deeply +and truly, but find their love unreturned. Many who read these pages +may say to themselves that they can fully believe that mutual love is +the way into a wonderful country of new and full life, but that for +them love has meant only a great longing and a great pain. They could +give generously and nobly. They have in them a great wealth of love +which they long to spend lavishly; but because he or she remains +indifferent they find themselves tormented by that which is best in +them. There is something here harder to face than even the sorrow of +widows or widowers. To have loved and lost might be said to be a +tolerable situation compared with the feeling that one's love has not +been wanted. + +Those who have never known such a situation may speak lightly of it. +Those who have will always want to deal gently and reverently with it. +Plainly it has great dangers attached to it. It is easy for those who +are facing it to allow themselves to become bitter and cynical. It must +be hard for them not to feel that many who do enjoy the privilege of +mutual love are shamefully ungrateful. And it must be harder still to +escape pangs of jealousy at times when they see the light of joy in +the eyes of lovers, or the pangs of something finer than jealousy when +they feel the charm of little children. + +I know of only one perfect resource for men or women in this situation. +It lies in God. Other people always seem dull and uninteresting to +those who want supremely one special person. But God is not +uninteresting. He has to be sought. He is not found by the careless or +the cowardly. But those who seek Him earnestly do find Him, and as +a sense of His love and His reality steals into the heart healing +begins at once. He restores the soul. He fills the hungry. He is +sufficient. And when that has happened other people begin to seem +lovable too, and the human love that seemed at one point not to be +needed finds numbers of objects. No one who can love is an unimportant +person in a world that is starving for more love of divine quality. + +And this at least I can report for those whom it may interest--that I +have known some very strong and gentle men, and some very brave, +gracious and understanding women whose lives are very rich in blessing +to other people, who know how to help the weak and comfort the sad, and +in whose faces there shines the light of a great and patient faith. +Having wondered for a time whence came these great endowments, I have +learnt at last that they were prizes won in a great contest wherein +having had to face the trial of love unreturned they learnt at last to +accept their own sorrow without anger, and then to use their power of +love in self-forgetfulness for other troubled souls. + +Yes, there is that to be said--to be said with great respect and +tenderness because love unreturned involves a very fiery trial--but to +be said with conviction because it is most blessedly true. + + + + + +CHAPTER IV + + +FALLING IN LOVE AND GETTING ENGAGED + + +This will be a very short chapter, for there is only one thing which I +feel moved to say on this subject, and yet it is so important that I +put it in a chapter by itself. Put in a sentence it is this: Only real +love offers a basis for a happy marriage, and real love is something +more than physical attraction. If all young men and women knew that and +would be strong enough to act upon it, there would be very few +calamitous marriages in the future. + +But let us face the facts. Mere physical attraction can be tremendously +strong. It springs into existence sometimes between two people who +hardly know each other. The explanation of it must lie in mysterious +facts about our incarnate life which I certainly cannot analyze. Once +it is there it is felt as an imperious summons to marriage. To each +the other seems for the time being a wonderful person, to be desired +beyond all others. Often the critical faculty in us is entirely +suspended by this attraction; and "her" words seem wise, though in fact +they are silly, and "he" seems noble, though in fact he is only an +averagely decent man. Two such persons long ardently to be together, +though they do not nearly always want to talk to each other. They are +held by something they do not understand, but which moves them +profoundly. + +Now by some mysterious and kindly providence I believe it usually +happens that this mutual attraction declares itself between two people +who as they do get to know each other find that they are also attracted +mentally and spiritually. Usually from this beginning a real fellowship +between the two persons will grow up which involves nearly their whole +personalities. Many people who fell in love at first sight have made +splendid marriages. But it does not always happen so. Sometimes this +physical attraction remains the only bond between two people. Sometimes +in the other departments of life they actually fret and annoy one +another. Sometimes a friendship refuses to grow up. Sometimes even +while the attraction still exists contempt lurks behind it. And that +means that it is entirely unsafe to get engaged on the basis of a mere +physical attraction. There is really something impersonal about mere +physical attraction. The individual as such is hardly an active agent +in it. He or she is the victim of some great life force that seems to +want to throw men and women together regardless of their mental and +spiritual qualities. Behind a mutual physical attraction there must be +some strange harmony between the two physical natures concerned. But +that may be the whole truth of the situation. And to become engaged or +married on that basis alone is just another instance of acting as if we +were merely bodies, when we are not. It constitutes another attempt to +forget mind, heart, and soul, and is therefore disastrous. + +And that, of course, means that a man and a woman, if they want to find +their true life, must take care to get to know each other _before_ they +commit themselves, even though they are attracted. "Maggie" in _What +Every Woman Knows_ showed herself extraordinarily astute when she +packed off her husband, who was the victim of an intense physical +attraction for another woman, into a lonely place in the country where +he would have to spend all day and every day with the lady whom he held +to be his heart's delight. The result was that in four or five days he +was bored almost beyond endurance. He had an acute mind and a very +definite type of character, and no happy life was possible for him +merely on the basis of a physical passion. + +Therefore it is not enough that merely to look at "her" makes your +blood run fast and your nerves tingle. It is not enough that the very +sight of "him" should give you acute pleasure. Before a man and a woman +get engaged they would do well to have some long talks together, and so +to find out what their real interests are, and whether their general +views and purposes in life are such as can possibly be harmonized. +Marriage lasts for a long time, and is a poor affair when a husband is +bored by his wife's conversation, or when a wife is repelled by her +husband's views. Even to such there may come recurrent hours of ardent +love, but both will want more than that. We must take our whole selves +into marriage, and to have experienced a mere physical attraction is no +proof that we shall be able to do it. I remember one very distressed +young wife who once asked me for help. She had been carried away by the +attraction of a masterful man, and had lived through her engagement and +the early days of marriage in a whirl of excitement in which she never +stopped to consider what sort of a man he truly was. A month or two +after marriage she inevitably began to find out, and was both shocked +and repelled. She was longing to have a friend in her husband; but they +both felt that a friendship between them was impossible. + +I am sure it must mean one of the hardest tasks which life ever sets +any of us to keep one's head when under the influence of such an +attraction, and perhaps to have to decide not to act at all in +consequence of it. To stifle an incipient passion in that way may be a +terrific business for some people. But we are queer complex creatures, +and we needs must take account of the whole of ourselves if we are to +find life. + +I repeat, physical attraction _is_ often the beginning of everything +else. But it is not always so, and for that reason we must needs +beware. + +Of course the converse of all this is also true. A man and a woman may +attain to a fine fellowship of mind and find co-operation in many ways +congenial, and yet may experience no mutual physical attraction. And if +they begin to think of marriage they have indeed a delicate problem +before them. Generally, I believe, the further intimacies which come +with marriage will awaken physical instinct in both, and when nature +has had her way with them a really complete marriage will be attained. +But it is not always so. Neither may have the power fully to awaken the +other. In some marriages that are fine friendships either the man or +the woman is half-conscious of deep-seated longings that have never +been satisfied. And if by chance a third person appears with the power +fully to awaken the physical nature of either the husband or the wife, +a very difficult situation arises. I do not say it is a situation which +cannot be handled successfully. I do not believe we need be the victims +of passion. But only a fool would deliberately court the possibility of +having to face the situation I have described. Wherefore I say again we +need to take account of the whole of ourselves if we are to find life. + + + + + +CHAPTER V + + +OUR MORAL STANDARDS + + +There are at least three moral standards in existence in the English +world. There is first the Christian standard, for which men and women +are equal, which recognizes the sacredness of personality in every +case, and which calls for absolute continence and chastity before +marriage and absolute fidelity after it. This is the standard I am +concerned to understand and defend. + +There is, secondly, the legal standard, for which men and women have +not equal rights, but which, in the marriage and divorce laws, accords +to woman an inferior position--which takes no cognizance of immorality +between unmarried persons unless children result and which, in England +as distinguished from Scotland, attaches no penalties to infidelity on +the part of a husband. + +And then, thirdly, there is the working moral standard of society. I +cannot describe it because it differs so greatly in different sections +of society. In general it has to be said that it treats lack of +chastity among unmarried men as a very venial offence and punishes the +same offence in women with very severe social penalties; and it may +certainly be said that it has not yet demanded a full recognition by +the law of the equality of the sexes in the matter of moral and married +rights. + +Now the question of the relation of our legal standards to the +Christian standard is an exceedingly difficult and yet vitally +important one. The hope of enforcing the Christian standard by law has +tempted many minds. In our own day many try to make the law of the land +enforce the Christian position about divorce. But there are grave +difficulties in connection with this course. The Christian attitude and +spirit cannot be produced by law. The scope of mere law must always be +much more restricted than the scope of the mind of Christ. The +Christian mind is not primarily concerned with penalties and does not +desire to see penalties attached to the failure to reach the Christian +standard in all things. To attach a criminal stigma to all lapses from +the Christian way in morals would be disastrous. + +What might be expected from the law of the land is, I think, that it +should recognize the fundamental equality of men and women, and that, +while demanding less, it should at least point towards the Christian +standard (see note at end of chapter). + +For the rest, the adjustment of legal enactments to the Christian ideal +must always be a matter for delicate and vigilant handling. + +With regard to the working moral standard of society there is just this +to be said, that if the Christian standard be the true one then our aim +must be nothing less than a condition in which public opinion shall in +all things endorse the latter. To-day the social standard is lax when +the Christian one is strict, and cruel when the Christian is generous +and forgiving. In saying this I am of course thinking of the _true_ +Christian standard. There is a conventional Christian standard which is +more cruel and unforgiving than society's standard. But it is really +definitely unchristian. Further, society is radically insincere, +forgiving what can be kept secret, condoning on account of moral +skepticism much general laxity, and yet breaking out into a mock moral +indignation before discovered vice. + +We are all in great danger in this connection on account of the +mysterious force of the herd instinct. We tend to accept what others +think just because they think it. We live under the power of convention +often without realizing how insincere and hollow convention may be. +Wherefore if we are ever to make progress it becomes nothing less than +a duty to scrutinize current standards. They may be less than +Christian, and if we are ever to make progress it can only come through +an honest process of inquiry and revision. + + +_The Reasons for the Christian Standard_ + + +To-day the spirit of inquiry and challenge is definitely demanding the +reasons for the Christian standard itself. But I have no complaint to +offer on that account. I believe only good can come from it in the end. + +I believe the stored wisdom of the ages is embodied in that Christian +standard, and that the more we know about sex the more clearly do +we perceive that that standard points the way, and the only way, to +real happiness for men and women in social relations, and to the +attainment of our highest life. But I freely acknowledge the right of +the rising generation to demand the reasons for this standard. I +propose, therefore, to try to state those reasons on the assumption +that I am addressing honest and sincere minds who only want to know the +truth. I can only work out the answer bit by bit. + +To begin with, "Why is self-abuse wrong?" It comes under the head of +incontinence, which the Bible and all serious moral teachers so firmly +condemn. But why? Doctors are beginning to say that unless it is +excessive it does no particular harm either to the brain or the body. +Its victims worry about it--But need they? Here at least the answer is +easily found because it is supplied by those, and by all of those, who +indulge in the practice. I have never met a man who did not despise +himself for it. It invariably leaves a man out of conceit with himself. +I have heard men stoutly defending irregular relations with women, but +I have never heard this practice defended, even though it is +exceedingly common. Robust male sentiment is all against it. And the +reason is that, because it is an attempt to satisfy sexual craving in +an abnormal way, it always leaves psychic disturbance behind it. It may +relieve a physical tension, but it does nothing to satisfy the whole +man. It leaves a bad taste in the mind. Both mind and spirit as well as +the body enter into true sexual experience. They have no place in this, +and by reason of it the inner harmonies of a man's nature are +inevitably jangled. + +I have noticed, too, a further and very serious consequence of this +habit. It plants deep in many men's minds, and especially in the minds +of sensitive and intellectual men, an abhorrence for the sexual side of +themselves. Just because they have never achieved freedom from them, +they hate and despise the passions that overcome them. This often leads +to very serious consequences when love enters into their lives. They +want then to dissociate love from all its physical concomitants. They +regard all things sexual as impure. It may even come to them as a shock +to find out that the women they love are capable of passion, and they +resent any bodily effects of their own love. And this may almost spell +calamity unless psychological adjustment is achieved in time. For true +marriage _must_ involve a clean and happy acceptance of the sexual +facts. A man must bring a clean mind to the whole of his common life +with the woman he loves, and self-abuse is ultimately a serious evil +just because it defiles the mind. + +Then, secondly, why are wild oats evil things to sow? Why should we not +endorse the shrug of the shoulders with which society treats them? I +notice that even women lightly forgive them, and I believe they make a +mistake. Forgiveness is indeed always a divine operation, but light +forgiveness implies that nothing serious has happened. What then is so +serious about licentiousness? + +I must of necessity discriminate at this point. By wildness men often +mean occasional intimacies into which they do not pretend to be led by +love. About such experiences I suppose men would say that they amount +merely to the satisfaction of a physical appetite, and that after they +are over a man may go his way as little affected as is a man who has +satisfied his thirst. + +But that is not the truth about them. The man in such cases suffers +damage. He suffers it because he has attempted an impossibility. He +has tried to separate the various parts of his being, and to satisfy +his animal nature without any consideration for his mind and heart. But +sexual experience itself proves that that cannot be done. The sexual +instinct is intimately related to our whole beings, but especially to +our affections. At the moment of sexual intimacy a man at least +pretends for the moment that he loves, and when he offers that pretence +to someone whom in reality he despises and means to leave in an hour, +he does violence to his whole nature. The soul of him insists all the +time that this is a low business. His outraged mind and heart protest +and produce an evil after-taste. No man likes to remember such events. +The best of him could not enter into them. He is left jangled and +upset. All that makes such doings seem right at any time is that +when it has reached a certain degree of intensity passion seems to +justify its own demands. That is the age-long illusion whereby evil +deceives and betrays us. But till we have learnt to repudiate +that suggestion we are not even on the way to succeed in this part of +life. Often the men who defend such indulgences admit that they are +gross, and then fall back upon the contention that a man _must_ be +gross at times--that his nature demands it. It is a fairly serious +slander to offer to our sex. Fortunately there exist thousands of +incarnate proofs that it is _only_ a slander. We all know that his +sexual nature sets the ordinary healthy man a very serious problem, and +about that I have tried to speak with sympathy and charity in a later +chapter. But the assertion that a man _must_ be gross is hard +to hear with patience. It is one of the lies that savor of cowardice. + +By "wildness," however, men sometimes mean temporary intimate relations +between men and women to which they _are_ led by love, and such +relationships are at least very different in moral quality from the +gross ones I have spoken of. + +Why must they be condemned? My whole contention is that love and love +alone makes physical intimacy pure and right. Why then cannot love +sanctify passionate relationships outside marriage? Why should the +union of true lovers be held to be impure before marriage and pure +after it? + +Let me answer the last query first. I do not think the union of true +lovers apart from marriage is impure. I believe that such lovers make a +very serious mistake--a mistake that may turn out to have been cruel. I +believe that society is utterly right in condemning such unions, and +that those who really understand will always refuse to enter on them. +But impure is not the word to apply to them. They are clean and +beautiful compared to the bodily intimacies of those who marry without +love. And yet I do not think that even emotionally they can ever be +perfect. Sexual intimacy is not the perfect and sacramental thing which +it is meant to be unless both parties come to it with free and +untroubled minds, feeling that what they do is a right and happy thing. +But in the unions of unmarried persons there generally lurks some +half-hidden sense of shame. Some part of the being of one or the other +really endorses society's standards, and even love cannot dispel the +shadows thus created. + +And yet still that does not meet the challenge to show the _reason_ for +society's standard. The reasons are really many. In the first place, if +unmarried lovers take steps to prevent their intimacy from having its +due fruit in a child, they are robbing their experience of its fine +spontaneity, and introducing an element of calculation and caution into +what should be a thing unbound. While, on the other hand, if they do +not prevent the coming of a child they are, in the present state of +society, doing a definite and cruel wrong to their own offspring. To +love a child dearly and to know that by your own act you have +handicapped it in life from the first must be a bitter experience +indeed. I am well aware that law in regard to illegitimate children is +unchristian. Even more is the attitude of society to them unchristian. +But so long as things remain as they are, the parents of an +illegitimate child do it a wrong. Further, even though law and custom +should alter, it would still be true that a child without both its own +parents is seriously handicapped in life. Which leads on to my next +point; for, secondly, if two lovers really love, they want to give +their whole selves to one another, including their whole futures. No +man truly and loyally loves a woman who wants to keep open a loophole +of escape from her. It would be well if women would always apply this +test to the passionate protestations of men. Real love is love +without reserve. True sexual intimacy in itself means taking each other +for better or for worse, and when lovers unite themselves though still +unwilling for such permanent unions, their love is not perfect. They +are not really united by love. They are letting mere present desire +carry them away. I hear of many men, and even of some women, who ask +why they should not have many lovers if they have many friends. The +answer is that no man gives his whole self to a friend, but that love, +when it is real, does mean the giving of your whole self. And that, +plainly, a man can only do to one woman and a woman to one man. + +It is generally in defense of temporary unions that people question the +necessity for marriage vows. But temporary unions cannot be ended +happily. If they were entered on without love, they are gross things, +as I have already said; and if they were the creation of real love, +there is no happy way out of them. The two have been too close to one +another to part without tearing apart--leaving ragged and it may be +bleeding edges on their personalities. Then again, as I have tried to +show already, love is only made perfect when it is allowed to issue in +responsibilities and labors. Divorced from them it is a selfish thing. +There is a wild and lawless element in passion, which is part of its +glory. But that glory is only sweetened and justified for those who let +their passion carry them through the whole career of experience to +which it summons them. + +All this may be accepted as establishing a case for permanent unions as +the only legitimate things, but inasmuch as it claims that the demand +for permanence lies in the very heart of love itself it may still be +asked with some urgency, "Why introduce a marriage ceremony with public +vows?" And here I must follow a somewhat different line of thought +which may at first sight seem contradictory. In spite of all that I +have said, I believe that even ardent lovers are all the better for +being bound, because of the wayward element of inconstancy in human +nature. Thousands of married persons have never once been conscious of +their vows. They have never come near thinking, "We must hold together +because we promised," or "We must make the best of things because we +are tied together." Thousands have never for a moment wanted to change +their condition. But with others it is not so. No men or women are +always at their best. Though they may have had moments on the heights +when they gladly took each other for better or for worse, there will +come other moods when the finer notes of love will not sound in their +ears. There will come to all but a few couples hours when they will be +irritated and annoyed with one another. And if they were free to do so, +they might fling away from each other and so miss after all the best +that was to be. For the best is not to be found in those early days +when passion flames and dominates, but rather in those later days when +two personalities have at last become really fitted to each other and +when the daily round of labor is illumined by the lamp of love. And +therefore, being what we are, it is a good thing for our own sakes that +we should be bound. + +Even though the bonds should actually mean pain, it is still good that +they should be allowed to bind, though it be only for the sake of the +children. Passionate lovers do not think of children, but society must +needs put their claims before all others. Probably the historical +reason why society came to insist on monogamy and to condemn all +irregular unions lay in the fact that it is the inalienable right of a +child to be brought up by a father and a mother, and that no society +can be strong and finely ordered unless its foundations are laid in +family life, wherein men and women co-operate to give the rising +generation every possible chance. + +I assume that I am addressing honest minds that wish to handle the +issues of life sincerely and wisely, and to them I am sure it must be +worth pointing out that it can never be right for individuals to order +their lives on principles which could not be given a universal +application. I can well understand a passionate couple being quite +sure that they will hold to one another throughout life, though they be +in no way legally tied. I can imagine that many such couples would +resent as a profanity the mere suggestion that they could ever want to +part. But imagine what society would become if legal ties were +abolished. You and your man or woman may be quite sure that you would +never part, but you know that thousands would. Couples would set out on +the joint life with little thought, and allow the first painful +misunderstanding to part them. Many men would shake off their +obligations almost as soon as they found they were becoming heavy. Both +men and women would pass from one temporary union to another, +mutilating their better natures in the process. Thousands of women +would be left in helpless loneliness. Tens of thousands of children +would go uncared for and neglected. The picture becomes more horrible +the more carefully you look into its details. And as you look you begin +to see the real value of our moral standard. It is not an instance of +the fussiness of Mrs. Grundy. It is not an instance of slave morality +imposed upon free people. It is not one of the arbitrary dicta of a +tyrannical Church. It is rather the embodiment of the wisdom learnt +through ages of varied and often tragic experience. It is an attempt to +conserve for each rising generation the possibility of the best in the +field of sexual experience. It does point out the way of happy, +healthy, and complete life. + +I have left to the end a thought about the marriage ceremony which will +only appeal to some, but which I feel ought to have a place in this +chapter. Many fine and sensitive lovers shrink from the publicity of +ordinary weddings. Their love is to them so sacred and so personal a +thing that they do not want to make any parade of themselves before a +great gathering of relations and friends. Well! I know of no binding +reason why such sensitive couples should call in the relations +and friends. Those relations and friends like to rejoice with those who +rejoice, because of a very human and kindly interest. And many couples, +and especially many brides, greatly enjoy their friends on their +marriage day. If, however, a couple prefer a private wedding that is +their affair. But about the place and value of a religious ceremony +I do want to add a word. If a man and a woman realize that their love +is a sacred thing, I believe they will find they actually want to make +the great step into final intimacy in the presence of God, and to stop +for a moment ere they go up into that mysterious country to ask His +blessing and guidance. I have said that at a certain point love itself +demands intimacy, and that it is an entirely natural thing for us to +desire it. But none the less it _is_ a momentous hour in the life of +any couple when they pass behind the last barriers and enter on a +sacramental oneness of body. It is a wonderful hour--the hour of all +others when the romance of life is most splendid. But just because +it is that, and because the issues of that hour are so far-reaching, +what could be more seemly than that they should pause for a moment on +the threshold and ask the Giver of all love to bless and guide them! +To kneel first together before Him, and then to pass on--to acknowledge +His goodness as the author of love, and then to go up on to love's high +places, what could be more just to the real facts! I know not with what +solemnities those who do _not_ believe in God are going to dignify that +hour in life, but to all young men and women who _do_ believe in God, I +would like to say with all possible urgency: Be sure you do not take +that great step until you can ask God's blessing on the taking of it. +Be sure you pause a while to be quiet before Him ere you allow your +love to have its final sway over you. + +NOTE.--It will be said at once at this point by some, "That means the +law is wrong in allowing the remarriage of divorced persons, because in +that case there is a definite contradiction between the legal and the +Christian standards." + +I have deliberately excluded a discussion of the problem of divorce +from this book because I am concerned with the unalterable truths about +sex rather than with the social question of how best unhappy situations +arising from sin can be remedied. + +But at this point I must say a word. I conceive the Christian position +to be "Marriage cannot be broken without sin." And that position the +law endorses. It requires proof that in fact a marriage has been broken +by sin, before it will sever the legal bonds. + +I cannot, however, believe it to be a Christian interest to maintain +the mock appearance of a marriage when (if ever) all moral content has +disappeared from it. Christianity calls for an unlimited forgiveness. +But when forgiveness and patience have failed and either husband or +wife has found another connection or has even ceased to have any vital +relation to his or her partner in marriage, then I feel that that +marriage is morally dead. And dead things should be buried if possible. + +There remains the question of remarriage. + +If the law allows this and if Christianity says "There is a higher way +to which God calls you," I do not think there is here an indefensible +contradiction. It is a case of a higher and a lower way. + +The law says "I will not compel you to remain unmarried." Christianity +says "I will not compel you at all, but I call you in love's name." + +That is exactly the situation we must accept in connection with many of +Christ's precepts. Giving alms. Loving enemies. Refusing to judge. +Refusing to swear, etc., etc. These are all clear Christian duties. But +law cannot deal with them. All this seems to me quite plain. In common +honesty, however, I must confess that it is not clear to me that the +spirit of Christ does forbid the remarriage of a divorced person in all +cases. Christian marriage always has love in it. It is not always there +in actual marriage. We must think the whole matter out afresh in terms +of love before we can understand the Christian way. Some things the +world calls marriages are not really marriages at all to the Christian +mind. + + + + + +CHAPTER VI + + +A MAN'S STRUGGLE + + +A great many men are secretly ashamed of the very fact that they have +to struggle with temptation in the matter of purity. In an inner +chamber of their lives they contend with impure thoughts and impure +suggestions, but they try to keep the doors of that chamber shut, and +would blush if others knew what goes on there. Yet all healthy and +normal men are so tempted. Those who seem to have escaped have +generally taken the course of repressing the whole sexual side of their +natures, and of shutting their eyes to the sexual facts of life, which +is not a wise course. And so, firstly, in view of the task of facing +temptation it would be well for us all to realize that temptation +itself is not sin. We may expose ourselves to quite unnecessary +temptation. We may play with fire. We may be fools, if we will. But +some element of temptation is part of our normal lot in life, and we +need not blush about it. To the average young man it can truly be said, +"There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man." In +this respect we are all brothers in arms, and I believe the first step +towards victory lies in an honest facing of the fact. Let us admit that +we are tempted and get openly to the business of understanding how +temptation can be conquered. + +Let me attempt first of all to clear away certain mischievous delusions +about the subject. It is actually believed in many quarters, and half +believed in many more, that continence is bad for a man. It is only +"natural," men often say, for an adult man to satisfy his desires, and +if he does not he suffers in health. It is a point on which we must let +the doctors speak, even although plenty of individual men could testify +from experience that the idea is nonsense. And what do the doctors say! +Sir Dyce Ductworth, Sir James Paget, Sir Andrew Clark, Sir Clifford +Allbutt, and scores of others have all expressed themselves with the +clearest emphasis. Sir James Paget, for instance, says, "Chastity or +purity of life does no harm to mind or body. Its discipline is +excellent. Marriage can safely be waited for." Further, in the noble +little book on "Sex" by Thomson and Geddes, I find this sentence: +"Féré, a leading authority on sex pathology and hygiene, denies +categorically that a man is ever hurt by continence, and affirms that +he is always the stronger." What probably is true is that if a man +lives in thought an impure life, and submits himself to exciting +suggestions and imaginations, the secretions of his body will be +increased, so that he may become subject to very severe strain. And +that, if continued, may work nervous damage. But this only means that a +continent life requires thought and proper direction. There _need be_ +no evil effects from continence. We must be quite clear about +this point, for so long as we toy in mind with the suggestion that +there is any natural necessity for incontinence, we are fatally +weakened for our struggle. It is a man's glory to be master of himself, +and to maintain his virginity through the years before marriage. And he +may quite well achieve it, if he will but go the right way about it. No +doubt the struggle is much harder for some than for others. No doubt +there are reasons in plenty for charity to those who fail. But there is +no real reason why any man should not hope and expect to succeed, and a +right expectation is the very foundation of success. + +Then, secondly, a man would do well to realize one simple physiological +truth about his body. That body naturally and regularly secretes semen. +But it is not necessary that that semen should be discharged by sexual +activity. On the contrary, a large part of it can be reabsorbed by the +body and used up in mental and physical activities to the great benefit +of the body and the enrichment of life. That is why the ancients taught +that Diana is the natural born enemy of Venus. The man who takes plenty +of regular exercise employs his vital forces in a way that lessens the +strain of his moral conflict. And though it is true that this +re-absorption of semen does not completely remove it, Nature has her +own method during sleep of readjusting things in a quite harmless way. + +From this it follows of course that the real secret of a successful +struggle for purity lies in living a life full of wholesome and varied +activities. Our artistic sensibilities are intimately related to our +sexual natures, and by some self-expression through art, or by the +sympathetic appreciation of the art of others, we provide an enriching +outlet for our natural energies. Social activities and wholesome social +intercourse, too, are of the very greatest importance. The sedentary +and lonely life is often found quite fatal, and a life in which only +male companionships are available is very undesirable. Indeed it +may truly be said that the best way of avoiding undesirable relations +with women lies in the cultivation of right and happy relations with +them. I suppose more men have been brought through this difficult +period owing to the fact that association with women of refined natures +made the thought of sexual irregularity seem repulsive, than by any +other single force. + +But at all costs let us be sure that we live full lives. I heard lately +of a man who was so constantly assailed by sexual cravings, and so +convinced that in him they were abnormally strong, that he went to +consult a psychotherapist. When he had been fully examined it was found +that in him sexual cravings were really rather weaker than in the +average man, but that in the house of his life they had no rivals, +so that he imagined them to be almost all-powerful. + +It is when a man allows himself to sit in idleness and indoors that the +fumes of lust are apt to rise up and make the windows dim, till in that +stuffy air he lives evilly at least in thought, and is weakened for +the problem of defense. But the man who will get out into the bracing +open air of life will find his noxious fancies blown away and his mind +restored to health. + +Then, thirdly, there are certain fairly obvious points in relation to +the right management of the body about which doctors are agreed. They +really amount in general to the suggestion that we should live a simple +and bracing life, and keep brother body in his proper place of +subjection all round. Keep your body clean, and do not funk your cold +bath in the morning. Avoid luxurious foods, and overeating of any sort. +Get up when you wake up in the morning, and avoid lying in bed half +awake. Take plenty of fresh air and exercise every day. And +finally, and at all costs, keep absolutely sober. Probably the last of +these pieces of advice is by far the most important. It is the +unvarnished truth that the vast majority of men who have gone wrong did +so for the first time, not when they were drunk, but when liquor had +made them reckless and forgetful. The plain truth about alcohol is that +it has a twofold effect upon the human constitution. On the one hand +it heightens desire, and on the other it lowers self-control. It is +that fatal combination that has been the undoing of many a man. On one +night of folly men have thrown away that which they may have guarded +jealously for years, and not because they were vicious or gross in +nature, but only because they allowed the edge to go off their +sobriety. Often by the next night they would have given almost anything +to be able to live that bit of life over again and live it differently. +But it was too late. I know of no argument for temperance that has +anything like the weight of this one. + +Then, too, a word must be said about the broad jest and the undesirable +story. + +Many a broad jest is excused because it has in it some savor of real +humor; but it would be well for us to ask ourselves deliberately what +things we are going to allow ourselves to laugh at. We all laugh at +some of the ways of lovers and no doubt we always will. They have +beautiful ways, but beyond question some of them are amusing. There +is no possible reaction to a girl's persuasion that her boy is pure +hero and saint except a smile; and love itself will blend with such +smiles. + +But it is quite a different thing to bring laughter to bear on love +itself, or on marriage, or on the sacramental intimacies that express +love. I believe it is a profane thing to do. Our best instincts call +on us to treat these things as sacred. And sacred things are easily +spoiled by careless speech. No vulgarities are quite so vulgar as those +which, in printed rags and ragged talk, are clustered round marriage. +In the name of all that is beautiful and holy let us be done with them. + +Further still, a great many broad stories have in them a minimum of +humor and a maximum of dirt. By a strange perversity men who are +scrupulously clean in body and who have both intellectual and artistic +capacities will stoop to defile their tongues with such things. There +are few colleges or offices where public opinion entirely forbids them. +But they do a deadly work none the less. They cling about the mind with +fatal tenacity. They surround the subject of sex with unclean +associations. They defile the inner house of life. And it is in that +inner house of thought and imagination that the real battle of +purity is fought. + +Our real task in this part of life is to see sex as a clean and +beautiful thing, to be treated with reverence. Thousands of people +never achieve this, even though they live respectable and decent lives. +And the reason lies in the fact that in their early days vile stories +and jokes defiled the whole subject for them. + +A similar thing is true of pictures. Some day we shall as a race +recover the sense that the form of a woman is one of the most beautiful +things in all God's earth. We shall look at the great statues and +pictures which do justice to that beauty with no other feelings than +thankfulness and joy. But there are very few men who can do that today. +What has made it impossible is the existence of pictures of a +suggestive kind, which are handed round in furtive ways, and are +literally drenched with unclean associations. For which reason it is a +real point in connection with a man's struggle that he should have +nothing to do with suggestive pictures. Many years ago I had a friend +with great intellectual power. He held a position of great +responsibility and was widely respected. He also had conspicuous +literary gifts, and knew how to work hard and well. But he brought to +me the greatest shock I have ever had in my life. When he was well on +in the forties he suddenly fell with a crash, and had to fly the +country. He was never able to show his face in England again, and died +a diseased exile in a foreign land. And all because he had been +overtaken by sexual sin of an indescribably shameful kind. The shock he +gave me was one of sorrow, for he had been a friend. But it was +still more one of amazement that such a thing could have happened to +such a man. Later I came to understand. When his effects were being +sold there was found in his study cupboard a great pile of indecent +French plays and novels. That was what did it. In secret he had for +years debauched his mind, and inevitably in the end his thoughts +brought forth fruit. That experience taught me once for all how certain +it is that the inner world of thoughts is the real place where a man +attains or misses purity. + +There is something grim and stern about this business. I confess to a +certain wholesome fear in connection with it which I hope never to +lose; though fear will never do as our predominating emotion in this +respect. But I keep a place for fear--enough of it to drive me to my +knees. I have seen boys go wrong at fifteen, and I have seen old men +go wrong at sixty. I believe that no man is safe until he is dead. He +was no coward, nor had he a licentious past behind him, who confessed +that late on in life he had to beat his body and bring it into +subjection lest having preached to others he should be a castaway. He +knew; and was honest and wise enough to keep up precautions to the end. +There is simply no way through this part of life for the man with slack +habits and a self-indulgent attitude of spirit. The man who will not +stand up and brace himself, who is not game for a fight, and will not +endure hardness is never going to make anything fine out of the +splendid but difficult enterprise we call human life. And all the time +he will need to have his sentinels out. All the time he will need to +make sure that he is master in his own house of life, and allows no +interloping thoughts or imaginations to run riot there. + +But what about religion! The conventional way in which to end a plain +talk about any sort of temptation is to say that God can and will help +a man in those straits where his own will is too weak, and that through +prayer there is a way of escape for us all. I believe all that +absolutely. With great gratitude I may say that I know it. Indeed I +cannot understand how any man who has been saved from overthrow can +fail to see as he looks back on his life that it was just the goodness +of God that upheld him. But I have learnt to beware how I tell men and +women that by prayer they can get through, though all other means fail. +Men who were having to face a severe strain of temptation have come +back to me and told me that they had tried the way of prayer and that +it had not availed them. The fact is that something far greater than +a mere attempt to use prayer as a special device for this special need +is required. + +We are so made that religion is a divine possibility for all of us. +Indeed it is more than a possibility: it is a necessity if life is ever +to seem complete. Without it all other things fail in the end to hold +off attacks of disappointment and ennui. Because we were made with the +capacity for it, we cannot be content without it. It may take many +years for a man to discover that without religion life is going to be a +failure; and it is that discovery that constitutes for many the tragedy +of middle life. In early days the varied interests of life carry many +through in some sort of satisfaction. And yet even with the young the +life that is without religion is of necessity an unbalanced life. +Parts of the man or woman concerned are inactive, and the other parts +occupy too much of the stage. Till an interest in God--that greatest of +all interests--has entered a man's life attention is too much concerned +with other things. Till the spirit is awake the body obtrudes itself +too much on consciousness. And thus a man fights the battle of purity +on wrong terms. There is no interest so cleansing as an interest in +God. Nothing so takes a man out of himself as the attempt to face His +demands. Nothing is so certain to counterbalance all unruly thoughts as +to know and worship Him. No discipline is so bracing and purifying as +the discipline of seeking Him. + +But this seeking of God means something much greater than the mere +attempt to use prayer for a special purpose. It means getting our whole +life rightly related to Him. It means subordinating our desires to His +will, and seeing our whole life as something to be used for His glory. +Religion cannot be made a mere appendage to life. It cannot be kept in +an outhouse like a motor bike, to be used when occasion calls. When God +comes into a life He comes to rule--and to rule everything. No doubt we +are all tempted to resent the surrender of self which is thus asked of +us. Instinctively we cry out for our own way. We want to manage our own +lives and to plan out our futures in such ways as will please us. +Because religion involves discipline and obedience, we are all apt to +turn away from it. We may have liked some of the emotions which are +associated with worship, and inspired by religious thoughts. But we +want to call no one Master--not even God. So long as that state lasts +no one will find religion a help in the battle with temptation. If we +faced the truth about ourselves many of us would find that what we +really want is to be allowed to live rather worldly and selfish lives +and then to be able to bring God in on occasion to save us from certain +particular sins which we loathe. But that cannot be. + +In other words, the way of escape is to get one's whole life and one's +whole nature rightly related to God. That means the profoundest of all +possible readjustments, because it means that instead of putting +himself in the center of every picture, a man puts God there. And when +that readjustment has been completed the power of temptation is gone. I +would not now say to a man merely that if he will pray he will get the +help he needs. I would say that if he is willing for a real spiritual +experience he may pass into a new state of being, in which he will +fight with success where he used to fail. Religion _will_ do all things +for you if you give your whole self to it, but it will not fit into +life as an occasional resource. + +Let no one suppose, however, that consciousness of God has no relation +to the sexual side of life. Far from it. What the man who submits to +God will find is, firstly, that he is helped to clean and reverent +living, and to mastery over his body. But he will also find that when +at last real love calls him up into complete companionship of body and +soul with a woman he loves, God Himself will enter into that life and +become associated with all the emotions and activities which spring +from the sex element in our beings. Such men will come to thank God +that He made them with sexual powers in their natures. They will thank +Him that passion is a fact. They will say with utter conviction that +love with all it means both for the bodily and the spiritual life is +the greatest of all God's gifts to man. + +Only to have experience of that quality a man _must_ come to marriage +undefiled. That is the fact that makes the struggle worth while. That +is what Browning meant when he said it was + + "worth + That a man should strive and agonize + And taste a veriest hell on earth + For the hope of such a prize." + +God does not call us men to a meaningless struggle. The fierceness of +temptation is _not_ mere cruelty. The prizes in this part of life are +great beyond all telling. If any man who reads these pages will but +brace himself for the struggle and put forth all his manhood in order +to win through, the day will come when he and a woman who is dear to +him will thank God that he did fight, and will understand that it was +abundantly worth while. She is waiting for you out there in the future. +She hopes and prays that when you do find her, you will be such a man +as can be honored and truly loved. She probably keeps herself for you, +even though you have not yet met her, with some delicate and shy +reserve. You will never really be worthy of all that she will give you, +but you may at least prepare for her and yourself a great and holy +experience. To know the full beauty of the thing that married life may +be is nearly if not quite the greatest of human attainments. To spoil +it beforehand is the most pitiful of all pities. + +Wherefore get up and fight! + + + + + +ADDENDUM, + + +ESPECIALLY FOR YOUNG MEN STRUGGLING WITH +SELF-ABUSE + + +It is in this form that sexual temptation comes into the lives of a +very great many men, including many able, high-minded men. All the +general things already said in this chapter are relevant to your case, +but I wish to add some direct words to you because I have acute +sympathy with you in your trial. + +You ought, of course, to have been warned when you were very young, and +then you might have escaped the danger. Possibly you slipped into the +habit without at first realizing that it was wrong; and probably now +you hate the habit, and even sometimes hate yourselves because of it. +It is quite likely, too, that false and exaggerated things have been +said to you about it and made you miserably afraid. + +Now it _is_ a bad habit. It is bad because you feel it to be unworthy +and rather unclean, and it creates unhappy associations in your mind in +connection with sex, which is a very unfortunate thing for you. And it +is a perversion. It is an unnatural way of satisfying sexual craving, +and, as you know, it leaves psychic disturbance behind it. The one +perfect way of satisfying sexual desire is complete union +with a woman you truly and honorably love. That leaves behind it a +feeling of complete satisfaction and rest. All other ways leave psychic +disturbance. Further, this habit often leads to active homosexuality. +I hear of men who talk as if homosexuality was quite a normal and right +thing with men of a certain type. It is, in fact, _always_ a regression +(see quotation from Dr. Crichton Miller in chapter for girls, p. 107). +Do get that fixed in your mind. It is an abnormal, unnatural thing +which has definite and evil nervous results. + +But let me get back to the problem of self-abuse. + +The Student Christian Movement lately collected from a number of +doctors, psychologists, and other experienced people, a body of +valuable truths and suggestions about this matter, and I cannot do +better than pass them on to you. + +_Firstly_, what are the facts about its consequences? These have been +exaggerated. Its effects are chiefly psychical. It does not affect the +intelligence or weaken mental power. It takes long to weaken the body, +and it is rarely, if ever, a cause of insanity. + +On the other hand, it does destroy self-respect; it does leave men +psychically disturbed, and for that reason it affects consciousness of +the presence of God disproportionately quickly as compared with other +sins, and produces the feeling of loss of spiritual power. There are, +in fact, abundant reasons for desiring deliverance, though there is no +reason for panic. + +As has been said again and again in this book, our sexual nature is a +gift from God, with glorious possibilities in it of enriching +experience. That is why it is so very important not to misuse it. + +Now if you really want deliverance, you have first to realize that the +seat of the trouble and of the cure is in the mind. (Occasionally there +is a slight abnormality that requires surgical treatment, but that is +exceptional.) + +The content of the mind in ordinary times is even more important than +at the crisis. It may be too late then. + +You must prepare the ground by resting on God even when you do not feel +the need of Him. Fill your mind with clean, healthy things, and expel +lustful thoughts, even though they may seem to have no special physical +effects. + +Give full play to your affections--love of family, of friends, of men +and women, and children. + +Devote your bodily strength, and the life force that is in you, to +great positive ends--the service of God and man. + +Keep healthy. Here are wise practical details. Take plenty of exercise, +but not too much. Men often fail when tired out. Avoid heavy meals-- +especially late at night. Take cold baths daily. Do not lie in bed +after waking. Avoid quacks like the plague. Beware of the reactions +that follow emotional excitement. Work off your emotions in positive +ways. Emotionalism has danger in it. + +Learn to pray for the right thing, not for deliverance, but for +strength for victory. Learn to trust God in all things--in this among +others. + +If you want to prevent the thing from obsessing you, you must not let +your failures obsess you. Turn your back on them. The only way to drive +out one thought is to put another in. An attempt merely to shut down is +doomed to failure. Concentrate on active life and service. The truth +is, you cannot have the help of Christ just for the cure of this evil. +Give yourself wholly to Him, and you will find He has set you free. You +cannot bring religion in just for a part of life. If your whole life is +in God's hands this trouble will disappear. + +_Lastly_, a word to the man who is down and out. + +God is strong enough and near enough for this never to happen again if +you will let Him have the whole of you--not body only, but mind and +heart and life. But if you do fail again, do not despair, do not blame +God, and do not say or think that He has finished with you. + +God's love is such that He will never turn from you if you turn to Him. +God is no farther from the failures than from the successful. He cares +as much for those who fail. + +The real and ultimate danger of this thing is not danger to your mind +and body, but the danger that it may come between you and God. +Wherefore come back to God every time. + +Remember, whatever the past has held, there are still great +possibilities of happiness and victory before you through the power of +God. + +Others are in as great difficulties, and others who were in them have +won through to victory. There is reason for hope. + +We are not meant always to stand alone. Two are more than twice as +strong as one. Perhaps you should share your difficulty. Only do not +make it an excuse for getting mawkish sympathy. + + + + +CHAPTER VII + + +PROSTITUTION + + +(_A chapter for men_) + + +There are some things so unthinkable that they only continue because +people refuse to think of them. Sweating and slums are two such things, +but the supreme example in the modern world is prostitution. + +It is not the prostitute who is unthinkable. She is only the tragic +figure in the center of a devil's drama. It is society's attitude to +her that is unthinkable. By men she is used for their pleasure and then +despised and scorned. By women she is held an outcast, and yet she is +the main buttress of the immunity of ordinary women from danger and +temptation. She is the creation of men who traffic in lust and yet is +held shameless by her patrons. She is the product of the social sins +for which we are all responsible, and yet is considered the most sinful +of us all. Often she was beguiled into her first mistake by the +pretence of love, and because to that pretence she made a natural and +sincere response. Sometimes she was cajoled into her mistake by older +fiends in the shape of women. Sometimes she suffered physical violence +at the hands of male fiends. Often she plunged into sin in desperation +because in the modern world she could not get a living wage in return +for honest work. Sometimes she made a wild, reckless dash towards +excitement because she could no longer endure the stifling, drab, and +hideous monotony coupled with privation which we allow to become the +lot of millions. + +To her men show only their worst side, and women generally their +hardest. If she often regards both alike as devils, who shall blame +her! Those who share her sin leave her to face alone the suffering +that follows. For them society has a place even when their habits are +known. For her it has no place except a shameful one. Of real love, of +motherhood, or of family life she may know nothing. Even of normal +human relations she remains often ignorant. + +He in whom we profess to have seen God was ready to forgive and willing +to love such women. We hold it wrong to forgive and impossible to love. + +For a few short years in early youth she may have money in plenty, and +then slowly she begins to sink. Her health becomes sapped. Often +loathsome disease makes her a victim. As the shadows begin to gather +she will often turn to drink that for an hour she may recover the +delusion of well-being. Slowly but certainly the morass drags her down. +Often she does not reach thirty. If she lives it is to face a state in +which, toothless, wrinkled, and obscene, she is seen only by those who +visit the murkiest parts of our cities. She dies unmoored and unloved, +and is hurried into an unknown grave. + +And she exists because men say they _must_ indulge their passions and +women believe it. She is the incarnation not of her own but of +society's shame. She is the scapegoat for thousands who live on in +careless comfort. Every man who touches her pushes her farther down, +and our hollow pretence of social morality is built upon her quivering +body. + +Will you men who read this please think about her! Think till you are +horrified, disgusted, and ashamed. Think till you realize this +unthinkable thing. And then remember that she exists only because of +us. We as a sex have created this infamy. We as a sex still continue to +condone it. + +And there is only one cure for it. It is that we should stop uttering +or believing the lie that we must indulge our passions and should act +upon the truth that continence outside marriage is perfectly possible, +and that we owe it to women, to ourselves, and to God to achieve it. + + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + + + +A GIRL'S EARLY DAYS + + + +By early days I mean the years between sixteen and twenty-one or +thereabouts, and I am sure there ought to be a chapter in this book on +this subject, though I am not at all sure that I can write it. I only +make the attempt because I have been urged to try, and because a book +that did not recognize how distressing the "emotional muddles" of this +period often are, would be a very unsympathetic production. + +Most men very quickly become clearly conscious of desires springing +from their sexual natures, but most girls only do so very slowly. What +a girl is conscious of at this period is a new stress of emotion. She +finds herself easily elated and easily depressed. She has moods she +cannot understand or manage, and vague yearnings after she knows not +what. Sometimes she will give way to outbreaks of temper, and +afterwards feel acutely ashamed. Other people say of her that she is +"difficult" or wayward, or trying; and she knows it herself better than +any of them. Sometimes she is irritable. Sometimes she will hear +herself saying things she never meant to say, and will wonder +afterwards why she did it. In society she often feels shy, awkward, and +self-conscious, and then will hate herself for being like +that. She may try an assumed boldness of manner to hide her shyness, +and yet that plan is not a great success. She has longings for the +society of others, and then having found social intercourse difficult, +is tempted to withdraw into herself. She is very easily wounded in her +affections, and often suffers from the effect of little slights of +which the authors are quite unconscious. On some days she will feel +that the world is a wonderful and splendid place, and life a glorious +delight. And then on others life will seem mysterious and puzzling, and +the world cruel and hard. She understands with painful clearness what +Robert Louis Stevenson meant when he talked about "the coiled +perplexities of youth." + +It is during these years that girls wake up to the attraction of men, +and yet they find that relations with men are difficult things to +manage. The conventions of society often seem quite senseless, and yet +the policy of defying them does not turn out well. And so, as I have +said, this is a difficult period for many girls. + +It is true that many get through it very happily. They may have good +health, happy homes, plenty of good friends, and many interests. For +them it is a time of adventure, romance, and vivid joy. They correspond +to the common conception of the fresh, happy, charming girl. But many +others do not get through happily at all, and it is because their case +is common that this chapter is called for. + +I have already said as strongly as I can that it is of enormous +importance for girls to know the facts of life, and to get to know them +from some clean and natural source. By the beginning of this period +they ought to have been told about the wonderful and beautiful ways in +which God has ordained that new human lives should be produced, and +therefore they ought to be in a position to understand themselves. And +if girls are not possessed of this knowledge I can only say that the +sooner they take steps to acquire it in a wholesome way the better +for themselves. Only take care to whom you turn. Let it be a woman of a +reverent and wise mind with a large and wholesome nature. There are +others. + +Those who do come to understand themselves in this way will realize +that the cause of their emotional complications is partly physical and +partly psychological. Both body and mind are awakening, with +the inevitable result that new instincts, emotions, and desires have to +be reckoned with. That is a universal experience for all of both sexes, +and is just the price of entering on a larger world. Life _is_ +much more complex and mysterious than we at first imagined. It may be +much more varied and splendid than we at first supposed. And therefore +inevitably it is also more difficult and more confusing. But it does +really help us to realize that our early complex troubles have a +natural and normal cause and that they are related to great possible +gains. + +At this point in life, further, the instinct for independence becomes +often exceedingly strong. All the conventions of society and the +received rules for conduct are apt to appear mere tyrannous annoyances, +cramping the free expression of personality. Society itself seems +rather like a monster threatening to absorb and confine us. To be +compelled to consider others, and even to bow to authority, is to many +very bitter. "I will at all costs be myself" is the natural cry of a +human being at this stage, and because the world makes it difficult to +carry out that resolve life has a strain in it. Yet here also there is +something good. If each generation in turn did not thus demand freedom +and self-expression the world would drift into senile decay. We cannot +be independent of society. We cannot have an untrammeled freedom. And +we all learn that sooner or later. But because the urge towards newness +of life does reappear with every generation we do move on, though +slowly. And if the price of this pulse of life in adolescents is +restlessness, irritation, and even occasional depression the gain is +worth the price. + +For girls the process is often specially difficult. The task that +confronts a girl at this stage is the task of accepting herself "as a +woman." I know it is not an easy task or so many girls would not be +heard saying that they would rather have been boys. No doubt one reason +why girls feel this is that often their parents, and especially their +mothers, have shown a preference for the boys in the family and have +accorded to them a favored position. The psychologists report that an +"inferiority complex" has thus been formed in many a girl's mind. +And thus a very real wrong is done to them. + +And yet this is not the whole explanation of the matter. In many girls +there is a rebellion against their sex. Many hate the physical signs of +their developing natures. It seems to them they are being called to a +part in life which they have no wish to play. And if particular +emotional stresses accompany that development, that may seem to them +only one further reason for being annoyed at the nature of things. + +I am sure too that the conventional notions of what a woman should be +must often prove very annoying, if not enraging. Many men still cherish +the idea of woman as a sort of household ornament--gentle and "sweet". +Many have not accommodated themselves to the notion that a woman should +know the blunt facts about this hard life and this disordered world. +Society often seems to expect of a woman that she should be submissive, +patient, and merely gentle. And of course nature has ordained that many +women should be strong, stimulating, and militant in spirit. Of a +really great woman it was said to me the other day that she is really +more like a flame than a "cow". But the "cow" idea holds the field in +many places. Well! happy those who have a sense of humor and can laugh +when society is very foolish. + +I dare not enter farther on a discussion of what it means for a girl to +accept herself "as a woman". In that matter men seem always to flounder +into folly. Even women are not yet agreed about it. Perhaps it is one +of the things that is only gradually being discovered at this +particular stage of human experience. I am indeed sure that we do not +yet know all that women are meant to be and are capable of doing for +the world. And that being so I can see that the difficulties which lie +about the path of life for women to-day are peculiarly trying. It may +be a real privilege to be a woman during this particular period of +discovery and experiment. But it cannot but be also rather a strain. +The one thing that I can with certainty say is that a woman is called +to be like Christ--like Him in His meekness which was the outcome of +perfect selflessness and self-mastery--in His gentleness which was the +product of sensitive love--but like Him also in His strength, His +boldness, His resolute refusal to bend before evil, His positive +activities in the name of love. + +One particular feature in a woman's impulse towards independence I +cannot pass by without a special word. The very suggestion annoys some +women that they are not complete in themselves without any relation to +the other sex. Being without any conscious desire for the companionship +of man, and without any definite sex consciousness, they resent the +idea that woman is not complete in herself. To those who insist that +the sexes vitally need each other such women would reply that they are +altogether exaggerating and over-emphasizing the sex element in life. + +Well, about the fact that man is not complete without woman I have no +doubt whatever. And I have no reluctance whatever about admitting it. +Perhaps that fact gives me no right to dogmatize about the other sex, +but a considerable experience has left me in no doubt about the matter. +I do not mean for a moment that a great and useful career is not +possible to women quite apart from marriage. I do not forget that many +women have great powers of intellect in the exercise of which they are +living in a world apart from sex difference. But I believe it to be a +serious mistake for either man or woman to imagine that they have no +clamant sex instinct hidden within the depths of their personalities. +And if the instinct is there it can only be folly to try to obscure the +fact. It has to be reckoned with if life is to succeed. In many women +it only awakens after early youth is past. The exceptions in whom it +never awakens must be very few indeed. If the attempt has been made to +ignore it the subsequent troubles are apt to be only the more intense. +In this matter we are confronted with an unalterable decree of nature. +To rebel against it is only to be broken in the long run. In various +and great ways the instinct may be turned to splendid uses other than +the usual ones of marriage and motherhood. But the instinct is there, +and if wisdom means understanding ourselves and handling ourselves +bravely, then it _must_ be reckoned with. To quarrel with the nature of +things is mere folly. + +Another special feature of the period in a girl's life I am thinking of +is a tendency to intense and passionate affections for other women--a +tendency to idealize some other woman till she seems the center of life +and adorable beyond words. A very real danger lurks here, and yet I +would like to speak with great care about the matter, because a true +friendship is always one of the finest and most enriching things in +life, while a _grande passion_ for another member of one's own sex is a +different thing with an undesirable element in it. + +In girls about thirteen or thereabouts _grandes passions_ for other +girls or for school-mistresses are very common, and so far from being +harmful they may serve a very useful purpose. They generally pass +away pretty quickly, and unless the older woman has been unwise they +leave no bad effects behind them. + +But among older girls they are a very different thing and often lead to +serious trouble and unhappiness. What has happened in such cases is +that an instinct which is designed to produce love for one of the +opposite sex has been perverted to add an element of passion to what +should have been merely a healthy friendship for another woman. And the +result is an unhealthy type of relationship. It is unhealthy because, +to begin with, in this way girls let themselves go and allow their +emotions to run away with them; and that just at a time when it is +most important that they should have themselves in firm control. And +further, when members of the same sex employ lovers' language, and +indulge in the imitation of lovers' endearments, there is something +sickly about the whole business which healthy instinct condemns. I do +not mean, of course, that when girls link arms or even embrace each +other in moments of excitement there is anything mistaken. To some +people such expressions of emotion are as natural as breathing. But +_grandes passions_ lead to much more than that sort of thing, and so +become a serious evil. + +It is in connection with this problem that psychologists have brought +into use the rather ugly word "homosexuality", though it means nothing +more dreadful than this tendency to put a member of one's own sex into +the place that should be occupied by a member of the other sex. But I +find a certain amount of talk going on which assumes that some people +are of the homosexual type, and that it is natural and right for them +to express themselves in this way. As a matter of fact homosexuality +_is always a sexual perversion_ and is fraught with great danger of +nervous disorder. Dr. Crichton Miller says in _The New Psychology and +the Teacher_: "From the point of view of psychological development +homosexuality in the adult is a regression.... Clinical experience +confirms the view that in the long run the man or the woman of the +intermediate type is bound to pay the price of regression in one +way or another" (p. 120). + +Of course the essential defect of these passionate attachments between +two women is that they can never fully satisfy. They cannot give a +woman children, and they leave the mother heart in her starved. For +this reason it is a primary obligation on each of the two to resolve +that so soon as a man enters the life of the other she will at all +costs make room for him, The cost of this may be very great, but love +that is at all worthy of the name will not another from a path that +might lead to marriage has misunderstood the very meaning of love. +Women have repeatedly told me that the passionate relationships I am +speaking of lead to grave unhappiness. They almost never last, and the +one who breaks away may cause acute suffering to the other; while an +attempt to continue them after the life has gone out of them results in +a very poor and pitiful relationship. And yet all this leaves still +open the question of how they are to be dealt with in actual life. One +thing worth saying is--Be warned in time, and do not let them grow. +When they threaten they can be turned into true friendships by girls +who understand, and true friendship is always a bracing and +strengthening thing. But I would not for a moment suggest that a "G. +P." should be ruthlessly broken. That would often be a cruel thing to +do which might cause great and even permanent damage to a sensitive +nature. But if both who are involved in the matter will face the truth +about it, they may succeed in passing on into a natural and healthy +friendship which may be invaluable to both and a gain to society. If it +be asked wherein lies the essential difference between a G. P. and a +friendship I think answer has been given in the words: "Friendship is +an other-regarding emotion and proves itself to be an uplifting force, +while a G. P. is self-regarding, and consequently generally is socially +exclusive and therefore harmful." A G. P. generally involves a desire +to have somebody else all to yourself. That is the sign of the +unnatural sex element in it. But a friendship leads to happy co- +operation between two people in the work and recreation of the world. +One of the tests of universal application in this realm of life lies in +the fact that real love always wants to give, and that the attitude of +wanting greedily to get is not true love. Many and many an unhappy girl +who frets and torments herself because she does not get all she wants +from some other woman would find the world and life transformed if she +would but wake up to the fact that in her bit of the world there are +other people who need the love she might give them. She would thus find +a noble outlet for her emotions, become a boon to other people, and in +the process discover her own happiness--possibly to her own surprise. + +I know very well what is likely to happen to some girls who read these +words and who are involved in a passionately affectionate attachment. I +can almost hear one such saying, "Of course I see that these things +ought to be said, and that some girls are very silly about their +friendships, and it only makes me the more thankful that in my case +everything is so natural, and right, and good." + +We are all like that! We are extraordinarily slow to recognize in our +own lives the evils and dangers which we can see so clearly in the +lives of others. And so I would like to make a direct appeal to all +girls, and to all men too, who are involved in these relationships. Do +face the facts openly! Do look ahead! Do ask yourselves what you are +going to do about these affairs as time goes on! You must know they +cannot last in their present form. You would be right if you even said +that they to last. You may drift along, always postponing any definite +action, and just enjoying the present while it lasts. But that is +exactly the way in which calamity is allowed to enter people's lives. +And you and she, or you and he, might forthwith face the unalterable +facts I have been referring to, and take all danger by the throat and +throttle it. You might do that _now_. That is to say, you and your dear +friend might agree that you will at once get the passionate element out +of your relationship, and forego the pleasure you have in +that respect. You might begin now to learn true friendship, and get rid +of what is really a sickly thing. It might hurt--it probably would at +first. But none of us human beings need be the mere creatures of our +feelings. Our true and lasting happiness always depends upon refusing +any such slavery. If you do achieve a wholesome and true friendship it +may enrich your whole future life. If you let things go on as they are +you will have a very unpleasant memory to humiliate you. + +I feel sure that certain general counsels apply with special force to +this part of life, and in particular the one which bids us all live +busy and positive lives. Brooding is not a wholesome occupation for +anybody at any time, but, on the other hand, through hours of active +effort emotion finds an outlet and our natures are restored to peace. +Introspection is to many people an actual luxury, but like other +luxuries it enervates. Reveling in their own emotions is a favorite +hobby with quite a lot of people, but for all that it is a very bad +one. There really should be no time for it. Our emotions are all needed +as driving forces for the times of action. In particular the +cultivation of a sense of beauty in art is one of the normal outlets +for emotion, and even for sex emotion. Some happy people can themselves +make music, and so express themselves. Most of us find that common +kindness suggests that we should restrict our efforts in that direction +to times when we are alone. But if we cannot play we can at least learn +the art of good listening. And if we are not musical at all we can +perhaps appreciate true painting, or great poetry, or fine literature. +It all helps. + +May I say a plain word or two about the shyness and self-consciousness +in society which so torment young girls? The first thing I would say is +that they will almost certainly pass away before long, and that +therefore they need not be bothered about. Lots of the most effective +and socially successful men and women in the world went through a +painful period of shyness in early youth, and now only smile at the +memory of those days. + +In so far as that self-consciousness is produced by society of any +sort, it is based upon the delusion that other people look at us and +think about us a great deal more than they do. It is also due to a +habit of minding what other people think and say a great deal more than +the facts warrant. We are not so important as to attract much general +notice, and other people are not so important that on account of their +prejudices and conventions we should distress ourselves. + +But in so far as discomfort in society is due to the presence there of +members of the opposite sex, there is something different to be said. +The whole contention of this book is that the attraction which +exists between the sexes is a right and wholesome thing, and that the +way of wisdom is to accept the fact of it quite simply. When that is +done it is found possible to let that mutual attraction issue in +friendship and camaraderie of a kind that enriches and dignifies life. + +Of course all this is much easier for girls who have been brought up +with boys. They learn to be at home with the other sex, not to be fussy +and foolish, and not to trade upon their sex. But that sort of +relationship to men is also quite possible even for those who were not +brought up with boys, and in the attaining to it girls find their real +peace of mind. + +I would also like to put down here some thoughts about beautiful girls. + +A beautiful girl always makes me want to do two things. One is to thank +God for making so lovely a thing, and the other is to say a prayer that +she may have special help given her for her specially difficult lot. +For beauty is both a very great gift and a very hard thing to handle. +Some of you must know that you are beautiful, and you are sure to find +the fact exciting, delightful, and yet embarrassing. You have great +powers--powers over other women and over children in part--and very +great powers over men. You can, if you will, use that power to induce +men to make fools of themselves. You can let yourselves slip into the +habit of living on admiration and feeding on the pleasure it gives +you. You can exploit your beauty to win through it things you do not +really deserve. People will forgive much to a beautiful woman, and you +can trade on that fact. You can get a great deal of your own way if you +master the art of being charming as well as beautiful; and you can in +that way use your beauty to your own undoing, and make it partly a +curse to others. In fact you are certain to have to face many +temptations which the majority of women escape. That is the hard part +of your lot. All who understand know quite well that life cannot but be +more complicated for you than for most, and you have a very great claim +on their sympathy. But the way to avoid your dangers is not to pretend +to yourself that you are not beautiful. Pretence never helps us. The +way is to face the fact of your beauty, realize that you did not create +it, and therefore need not be vain about it, and then go on to decide +what use you are going to make of the power it gives you. It can be +used for God--otherwise He would not have given it. It can be turned +into influence of a very wonderful kind. If you can induce men to make +fools of themselves, you can also draw out all that is best in them, +and inspire them for fine living. In plain English, when a beautiful +woman is also a good woman she is one of the greatest boons to mankind. +She can give great pleasure to others--but she can do more, she +can stir the latent idealism in men and women in wonderful ways. She +can move through the world as a source of gracious, kindly, and bracing +influence. Of course, once again, the essential secret is to think of +giving and not of getting, to get self into the background and live for +love and service--to employ your great gift for the sake of the giver +of it. I suspect that it must need a great deal of self-discipline-- +perhaps more than a man can understand. I am sure it must need a great +deal of prayer. But it has been done, and can be done again. + +And that leads me naturally to the last thing I want to say in this +chapter. I have already said in the chapter specially addressed to men +that the great help for the difficult early days of life is to be found +in religion. [Footnote: Cp. p. 80ff.] And of course that is equally +true for girls. + +Religion means having a great and worthy interest at the center of our +lives, which gives meaning to the whole of them. Being religious means +that the essential and eternal part of us is coming into life, and it +almost necessarily follows then that the other parts of our +personalities slip into their proper places. It means having an object +for our affections more than worthy of all our deepest emotions, and +more than able to fill our empty hearts. Religion in the early days of +life is generally very emotional. I believe that that is perfectly +right and natural, provided we also make efforts to be sincere and to +love the truth. Because it is emotional, its value as an outlet for +feeling is very great. It does not remain at its first emotional level. +Later on there comes an inevitable change when many think, quite +wrongly, that they are losing their religion. But at the stage I am +thinking of religion naturally and normally expresses itself in intense +feeling. We are all hero worshippers at that stage of life. Hero +worshipping, however, is apt to get us into trouble, for our heroes +fail us in time. The one perfect hero who never fails us is Christ. He +alone never disappoints, and to love Him is to have all the nobler +chords in our beings set in motion. We are sure to despair of ever +becoming worthy of Him. But no leader of men was ever so willing to +take us as we are and make the best of us. To be near Him may mean +being made to feel deeply ashamed. In His presence we are sure to feel +small and mean. But that also is a good thing, and in spite of it He +loves us. In other directions we seek with longing to find love, +and often fail. With Him we may be quite sure of finding love. And He +goes on loving to the end. + +Being loved by Him does at last draw out the best in us. Inevitably we +begin to want to be more worthy--to serve and love others for His +sake--to know and love the truth--to find and worship beauty. And that +means having a life full of splendid and worthy interests. + +Emotional muddles may in fact be the lot of most of us for a while. But +if at the center of them all there is an honest love for Christ, they +cannot overwhelm us; and in the long run we are sure to emerge into the +life that has both peace and power in it. + + + + + +CHAPTER IX + + +INVOLUNTARY CELIBACY + + +Modern England has for many generations been a place so unhealthy for +the young that a vast problem has grown up in our midst which seriously +disturbs the normal adjustment of sex relationships. It would seem to +have been Nature's intention that there should be slightly more men +than women in the world, for boy babies outnumber girl babies +[Footnote: The actual figures are 1052 boy babies to 1000 girl babies.] +What it would mean if there were more adult men than women in the world +it is hard to imagine. It would at once have enormous social +consequences. No woman would remain a celibate except by her own +choice. Men would have to behave themselves in order to win wives, and +would cease to occupy the demoralizing position of being able to get +wives whenever they want them. It would in fact mean a new world in +many ways. + +As things are, however, the unhealthy conditions of modern life produce +a greater mortality among boy babies than among girl babies, and males +come to be in a minority. This state of affairs has been greatly +aggravated by the war, but it was serious even before 1914. It was then +the case that the women outnumbered the men by about a million. The +number must be nearer a million and a half to-day. + +The result is that over a million women have to face the prospect of a +life in which their most deeply implanted instincts--the instincts for +wifehood and motherhood--cannot find their normal satisfaction, and the +problem thus created is one of the most difficult in the whole of life. +It is, of course, nothing less than insulting nonsense to talk about +these women as "superfluous women." Behind the very phrase there lurks +the old delusion that women are only needed in the world as wives +and mothers. As a matter of fact a great deal of the work that is most +needed in our civilization--work in education, art, literature, +nursing, social service, and other departments of life--is being done +by these women. + +But while that is true it is also true that the personal life of the +unmarried woman presents acute problems of a most intricate kind. +Probably only a woman can truly understand those problems or justly +estimate their urgency, but no man with any insight or sympathy can +fail to know that the lot of the unmarried woman involves secret +stresses, unsatisfied yearnings, and sometimes hours of dark +depression. She may be unmarried because she has persistently refused +to try to be satisfied with any second best. As a witty woman friend of +mine once put it, she may be unmarried because "the attainable was not +desirable and the desirable was not attainable." She may be unmarried +because a very true lover of early days went on before, and she has +never felt able to put anyone else in his place. Or she may have loved +truly some man who loved another. Or nothing may ever have happened +to awaken conscious love in her, in which case it is still possible +that her nature may cry out at times for the satisfaction of its +primary needs. And while all this is true, she is conventionally +supposed never to show by any sign that she would have liked to be +married. However much she may suffer it is held unseemly for her to +show that she suffers, or to ask for sympathy. She is often, and I +think quite indefensibly, denied by social convention the stimulus of +any really intimate friendships with men. She is made the subject of +uncounted third-rate jokes. And if, as life goes on, she develops +peculiarities of manner or asperities of temper--if she begins to lose +vitality and grace, these things are noted with contempt by people who +little imagine how much real heroism may lie concealed in the object of +their scorn. I believe, however, that I speak for a very large number +of men when I confess that nothing kindles in me quite the same +flame of resentment at things as they are, as just this fact that so +many gracious and kindly women, plainly made for motherhood and fitted +for a fine part in life, should find themselves held in the clutches of +this insistent problem. + +It may well help all such to realize the fact stated above, namely, +that the problem is no part of the eternal and designed order of +things, but one of the results of our social misbehavior. In a very +real sense the women who suffer in this matter suffer vicariously for +the sins of all society. It is not they who are guilty, but all +mankind. For all who mean resolutely to face the problem and to win +through to victory, it is first of all essential that they should +realize the fact that their acute depressions and their restlessness of +mind have really a quite well-defined physical and psychological cause. +Somewhere between twenty-five and thirty-five these depressions often +become very acute, so that the whole horizon of life is darkened. +Sensitive women often torment themselves by wondering what they have +done that is wrong, for of course all depression is apt to take the +form of a sense of wrongdoing. Further, at this period the religious +sensibilities of many seem to suffer eclipse. They can no longer +respond in feeling to any of the sublime religious truths. They find +they cannot pray. Nothing seems to matter. The memory of earlier days +when life seemed bright and religious faith was confident seems only to +mock them. Many are beset by definite intellectual difficulties and so +are tempted to a general cynicism. Envy of others will suggest itself, +and though it be sternly repressed, it still adds to the general +strain, while good advice from others will seem just the last straw +which cannot be borne. + +But one half of this problem has disappeared at once for many from the +day when they faced the plain truth that the cause of trouble is +physical. Physiological processes with certain inevitable psychological +accompaniments are at the bottom of it. Because their natures have not +received their natural fulfillment a complicated situation has arisen +which cannot be easily lived through, though it may be in the end +triumphantly controlled. And if it helps ordinary people to learn that +sometimes when they seem to be suffering from a sense of sin they are +really only being plagued by indigestion, it may very much more help +women in this difficult period to know that they are only going through +an inevitable physical readjustment. What is happening is that sexual +desire--it may be in vague, unconscious, and very general forms--is +asserting itself. Nothing could be more absurd than to suggest that +there is anything wrong or immodest in that fact. It is quite +inevitable. Indeed, the first step out of the trouble lies in accepting +the fact and then in considering how it is to be dealt with. + +What is the way out of this difficult bit of life? All said that can be +said about the physical and psychological causes, a very real problem +remains. There must be a way of meeting it which ends in complete +victory, for women who have come through it victoriously are to be +found on all hands. What has been the secret of their victory? I prefer +to let a woman begin the answer. "I think," writes one, "that the only +possible thing for such women to do is to have their eyes fixed on God, +and to know that in some mysterious and wonderful way He understands +and meets all our needs. I think it needs a definite act--of our wills, +our intellects, and our emotions--an act of consecration and +self-offering to God, and until that is done there will be no peace." +And then, after expressing her conviction as to the insufficiency of +the policy of mere sublimation she continues, "I really believe that +for women a real act of surrender--a joyful offering to God--is the +only way." + +I am sure the ultimate wisdom about this whole matter is contained in +those sentences, and I am sure because there are numerous other +departments of life in which similar problems assail both men and +women, and in relation to which the way of self-surrender is the only +possible way to life. + +After all, it is not only unmarried women who have to face the +experience of wanting passionately something which they cannot have. In +various forms that challenge comes to most men and women whether +married or not. Our desires demand one thing, and life with its +imperious authority offers something different; and it is perhaps in +that way that most of us come to the crisis of our lives. It is easy to +break oneself against a situation of that sort. It is easy to spoil +life completely by an obstinate concentration on the object that is +being withheld--to lose life by insisting on finding it in one's own +chosen way. Men and women alike make shipwreck of their lives in that +way every year. + +But there is another way. Our real life is life in God, and the way +into it is always the way of surrender. To say with utter sincerity and +absence of self-will, "Lord, what wilt Thou have me to do?" is to begin +to find deliverance at once. We could not and should not surrender thus +to anybody else. He alone perfectly understands. But when we have put +ourselves into His hands without reserve, immediately life begins to +arrange itself. With such surrender there comes a peace which nothing +else can bring. I say it with acute sympathy for all strong-willed, +high-spirited people, for whom surrender is very difficult. But I say +it with an assurance that is based upon the unanimous verdict of the +souls of all history who have found life. "I have learned," said one +much harassed and persecuted man, "in whatsoever state I am therein +to be content." He was content because in whatsoever state he might be +he was always in the fellowship of God, and therefore in enjoyment of +his essential life. He knew himself secure whatever life might bring, +and even though life itself should end. He was inwardly in a state of +profound peace and spiritual freedom, and that is why all the gracious +powers of his humanity were able to find free and beautiful expression. + +So it must be with all of us. We find our real life, and we become +masters or mistresses in life only when we have given in and allowed +the love of God to direct and sustain us. For the particular problem +dealt with in this chapter and for all other painful and pressing +problems of life, the way of victory is to seek and find the life that +is hid with Christ in God. + + * * * * * + +No doubt at this point two questions will arise in the minds of some. +Firstly, some will want to say, "All that is very well for those who +are religious, but how about the people who are not religious?" I have +no answer to that question, because I believe there is none. Religion +is not a sort of hobby that just seems to suit certain peculiar people. +It is a prime necessity for all of us. In a great many other +connections it becomes increasingly plain to all who have eyes to see +that there is no solution for the problem of life except the one which +God Himself offers to all seeking souls. We may refuse to seek Him, but +in so doing we close the prison doors against ourselves. I am not +surprised that in studying the problems of sex I find no answer to the +most acute of them apart from religion. That is what I should expect. +Is it likely that men and women who were made for God should ever find +any lasting satisfaction or any way to victory in life apart from Him? +And indeed, in the particular connection I am now writing about, it is +the fact that not a few women have lived to be almost thankful for the +problem of involuntary celibacy that once confronted them in so +menacing a way. It threw them back on God, and their experience of Him +has been so rich that they are thankful for the compulsion that drove +them into His fellowship. + +There is no mysterious hunger in the inner life of any woman--no +restless longing ever torments her--no painful stresses ever make her +life seem difficult--no weary loneliness ever makes the world seem +desolate, but He understands--perfectly and utterly. And if it be love +that a woman longs for, there is no love like unto His love--perfect in +tenderness, in understanding and in power. Yes, God Himself is the +final answer to the problem of all lives that here seem to be +unfulfilled, whether they be lives of men or women. + +The other question that will be raised will be put in these words: "You +have said that in the dark hours that come to so many women religious +feeling seems to be suspended, and yet you go on to say that the way of +escape lies in religion," I know that what I have written may seem for +this reason utterly tantalizing to some. I know that in general it is +in times when we most need religion that it is apt to seem most remote +from us. Most of us have been in that dilemma. But there is a way out. +It consists partly in remembering that religion is not only a matter of +feeling, and that when feeling fails us the mind and will remain. But +it consists still more in remembering that religion is not so much our +affair as God's. God does not only answer the prayers of people who are +feeling religious. If religion be what the experience of thousands +declares it is, then we have reason to expect that our seeking of God +will have results even when our emotions seem dead. We can at least +direct our thought life. We can set ourselves towards Him by the +deliberate direction of attention. We can think the true and right +thoughts. And in that way a religion begins to come into life +that is tenfold more abiding and sustaining than any religion that is a +mere matter of feeling. It may need rigid self-discipline and really +hard work thus to direct attention and attain to a regulated thought +life. But then, I am not suggesting that there is an easy way through +this problem. There is a way, and a way that leads to real victory; but +it is no more easy than any other path that leads to a great goal. + +I should like further to draw on the experience of women themselves to +add some additional suggestions born of common sense and experiment. A +very wise woman once supplied through me some hints to one who was +going through this difficult period, and I am sure her hints are worth +passing on to others. She insisted that no woman at this stage should +attempt to live alone. Healthy friendship with other women is one of +the greatest possible helps to success. As I have noted in a previous +chapter, there is a danger that lurks not far away in this connection. +But too much cannot be said of the helpful and bracing influence of +friendships that are kept really healthy. Then, it is a mistake for +women to live in institutions when that can be avoided. It really +helps to have some room or rooms in the care of which the home-making +instinct can find expression, and which may thus become a means to +self-expression. More important still, my friend insisted that it is +better at this period to work with people than with things. Other +people always tend to draw us out of ourselves, if we will allow that +to happen. They make demands on our affections. They keep us in touch +with real life and its vast variety of emotions and interests. They +make self-forgetfulness possible. Further, it is important for such +women--as important as for all other people--to learn the truth that +the way to win love is to give it. When people suffer tortures of +loneliness it is essentially loneliness of heart. Like all other normal +persons they long to be loved. But nothing is more futile in such a +situation than simply to sit down and wait for someone to come along +and love us. That way lies despair. What we can do is to awaken to +the fact that all around us are people who also long to be loved, and +that we have love to give them if we will but be generous. They may not +seem very attractive people, but in that case they only need our love +the more. Is it not being loved that makes people lovely! And when +women rouse themselves to use their own love generously for others, +they begin--always--to find the doors of deliverance opening. + +A further very great step will have been taken when it is realized that +the life force which is not going to have its normal and natural outlet +need not on that account be wasted. It can be directed to other ends +with enormous benefit to the world. I cannot hope to say anything on +this point one-half so adequate or so helpful as the chapter Miss +Royden has already written in _Sex and Common Sense_. Out of the +fullness of knowledge she has gained by an amazingly sensitive sympathy +she has there written the best account I have ever seen of how thwarted +sex emotion can be sublimated to other ends, and made an immensely +effective force for the progress of the race. In both men and women +sexuality is just life force. If the natural method of expression be +denied to it, it will still seek out ways in which to express itself. +If it has been merely repressed unwillingly and incompletely the +results, as the psychologists are telling us, are apt to be disastrous. +But if the situation is openly faced, and honestly accepted--if a +conscious surrender of the normal sex career be achieved--then it is +possible to utilize the life force that springs from our sex natures +for great physical, mental, or emotional activities, and that without +any of the evil results that follow from mere repression. In fact by +living an abundant life in natural, useful, and absorbing ways the +problem becomes capable of a truly happy solution. + +I have written the word "happy" deliberately. But I am not sure that at +first this way out will seem happy. Useful it certainly will be, but +all said and done I fancy that some residue of regret will be apt to +remain, and that because of it women will be tempted to indulge in +self-pity. And self-pity both for men and women is the most enervating +of all emotional luxuries. Therefore, I wish to insert here a word of +grateful testimony. If the sublimation of sex instinct seems to some +women a poor and pale substitute for the normal career of marriage and +motherhood, I am at least sure that for society at large it is a very +blessed substitute. My chief experience of life has been in those +places called slums, where life is always seen in its most drab and +pitiful guise, and I can speak with certainty about this problem in +relation to them. In the districts in which I have worked there have +always been at least a few unmarried women who were spending with +lavish generosity their whole life force in practical service and +sympathy for needy children, harassed mothers, wayward men, and the +sufferers of the district in general. No members of the human race are +living anywhere with greater effect. No other women are called blessed +with greater sincerity. Half a dozen in particular I can think of who +in this way have done more for the redemption of society in such places +than a score of happily married mothers could have accomplished. I do +not know whether they feel that the sublimation of their instincts has +been a complete success, but I do know that hundreds of grateful people +have no doubt about it whatever. The whole world in its modern guise is +crying out for such services as women alone can render, and if, on the +one hand, women are the chief sufferers through the confusions of human +affairs, they have at least a wonderful chance of finding and applying +the remedy. The world can never make good to them the wrong it has done +them; yet they may, if they will, put the world inexpressibly in their +debt. No doubt mankind does not deserve it, but the one perfect lover +in history was willing to die for an undeserving world. It can never be +other than a great calling to follow where He leads the way. + +A woman of great experience tells me that here I ought to suggest that +in that minority of cases where it is possible, an unmarried woman may +with great advantage adopt a child. There are many children in the +world to-day without parents, and these children have a greatly +lessened chance of life. But when one of these children is adopted in +the way suggested a great benefit is brought firstly to the child, +secondly to society, and thirdly to the woman herself, who thus +acquires a worthy object for all the passionate devotion she possesses. +Having known this plan adopted in several instances, I have wondered +why it is not more common, at least when financial considerations make +it a possibility. + +No doubt to take this course or any of the other courses here suggested +will need courage. But all successful ways of life need courage. Life +itself is a challenging summons to courage. There is no happy way +through for those who sit down in fear or who give in to their own +distresses. Fate is a tyrant only to those who will not face him with +spirit. A full and satisfying life has to be snatched from under the +enemy's guns, but it can be so snatched. Neither men nor women need +give in though often defeated. "Unconquering but unconquered" may be +the best motto that we can hope to deserve, but for all those who +inscribe it on their banners a strange happiness does creep into the +soul. + + + + + +CHAPTER X + + +THE ART OF BEING MARRIED + + +I + + +HOUSEHOLD HARMONY + + +I have the greatest sympathy with married couples who never read any +books or pamphlets containing advice to married people, and are +determined that they never will. Once a man and a woman have left their +respective homes and set up in one of their own their common life is so +entirely their own affair, and they have such a clear right to resent +all intrusions into it, that the policy of rejecting all advice +beforehand has clearly something to be said for it. + +And yet, because no one need read this chapter unless he or she likes, +I put it in; and if any wife or husband does read it, I hope that in +that case both husband and wife will do so. I really write it not so +much for those who are already married, as for those still unmarried. +It matters so much--so very very much--with what preconceptions and +assumptions we approach wedded life. + +Of course Mother Nature teaches the great art of living in the married +state to thousands. Two sensible people endowed with some patience, +some common sense, and a great deal of affection have every right to +expect that without much difficulty they will find for themselves the +right way in marriage. Uncounted couples who read no books and never +heard of psychology have made a lifelong success of it simply by being +natural, brave, unselfish, and really loving. Many such simply wonder +when they hear others talk about the difficulties, dangers, and painful +experiences connected with marriage. They never found these things in +their marriages. The last thing I would like to suggest to the young +is that they need be afraid. Personally I agree with the man who said +that on his wedding day he had entered a new and splendid country for +which he felt quite unworthy and that he had never since ceased to +wonder and thank God for its beauties, its interests, and its delights. + +Yet there are other couples--couples who have made mistakes, and now +talk rather bitterly about marriage; and it is because I believe that +even a little more knowledge and a little more patience might have +prevented those mistakes that I offer the following pages with my +congratulations and good wishes to all who are about to marry. + +There are no absolute rules for the conduct of married life. There are +only truths to be recognized. We are all apt at times to wish for +absolute rules. We think they would make life easier. We even wish +sometimes that Jesus had given us absolute rules and not simply +principles. But in fact rules always turn out to be galling things. +They are not for free personalities who differ enormously in +constitution and temperament. The right way for A and B might prove to +be just the wrong way for C and D. The problem is one which has to be +worked out by each couple afresh. It is a problem of mutual +accommodation between two persons each of whom is an original creation +of God. It is the problem of taking two different life themes and +working them into one harmony. + +Nor do I think that we achieve much by thinking or speaking of "rights" +in this connection--about "his" right to rule here, and "her" right to +be considered there. No doubt husbands and wives have rights-- +inalienable and august rights. But married life is part of love's +domain, and in that region the language of the law courts is out of +place. When either of the two begins to think about enforcing or +claiming rights something has already gone wrong. + +And this I think is chiefly a point for men to consider. The conception +of a husband as a sort of Czar within his own home still lingers, +though it may not be openly proclaimed. Men still grow up with the idea +that a wife should be a sort of submissive and very charming slave, +honored by occasional demonstrations of affection, and that the whole +household should be ordered to suit his lordship's convenience. Such +men will protect their wives, give them money, make love to them, humor +them, and honor them in public; and in return will expect something +little short of sheer submission. Behind all this lurks the +half-conscious idea that woman is man's inferior, and that idea really +does remain hidden even in the minds of some who would repudiate it. The +fact is that the ultimate value of marriage--the thing that makes it +good fun, as well as a noble thing--lies in the fact that men and women +are so different; that they have not the same powers, and can +alternately take the lead in their common life. It is comradeship, and +not mere occasional love-making, that they must achieve in order to be +permanently happy, and comradeship is a relation in which each must be +free to be his or her natural self. + +Marriage _can_ be made a cramping thing, and then in time it becomes +almost an insufferable thing. But if each will give the other room to +grow it can be an enlarging experience. It may contain the sum of the +interests of two different people. If mutual learning is brought into +it, it dignifies the lives of both. I believe in obedient wives. But +then I also believe in obedient husbands. If I did not follow my wife's +lead in some departments of life, I should be neither more nor less +than a fool. And I believe that she is quite wise to follow my lead in +some other connections. + +What all this really points to is that the element of liberty is worth +conserving within marriage with very great care. When a wife has no +private means it is an essential thing for the husband to give her +regularly a stated allowance and to ask no questions as to how it is +spent. It is a good thing--a very good thing--to make certain that, if +possible, a wife has a holiday now and then from the heavy bondage of +housekeeping. It is even a good thing that she should have a holiday +now and then from the charms and joys of family life. For we men are +very like children in the way we come to depend on our wives. All our +little woes must be brought to them--from buttonless shirts to the +pitiful tale of our last defeat at golf. The children consult them +daily about a hundred things as of right, and their husbands must often +seem to them the biggest bairns of the lot. I quite see why women like +it. But it must get very wearing at times. It surely is a good thing +that now and then a wife should turn her back on it all, meet old +friends, have days in which to enjoy herself without any bothers, and +even for a few hours forget her exacting if charming dependents. + +It is equally important not to forget a husband's liberty. + +No doubt a great deal of cruelty lies to the charge of husbands who are +out night after night, leaving their wives--already weary after a day's +heavy work--to sit bored and alone, while they enjoy the company of +their male friends, or hunt after their favorite pleasures. It is quite +right that wives should refuse to tolerate such treatment. But the +entire reversal of that policy is apt to work badly also. A husband +should not drop all the masculine interests of his life, nor give up +his old friends, nor resign from all the responsibilities that will +take him sometimes out at nights. And a wise wife will not allow him to +do it. Somewhere between the two extremes I have indicated lies the +wise path in this connection. + +Then is it not time that somebody boldly said that husbands ought to do +some of the housework? I have no time to discuss the ethical problem +raised by the households where paid servants do it all. They are a very +small minority of modern households, and in all the rest the wives do a +great deal of the housework--generally all of it. Some of it is heavy +muscular work, such as carrying coals or moving furniture. The rest +makes up an employment which is more constant, needs more brains, and +calls for more administrative capacity than any man can imagine till he +has tried to do it. Of course men say they cannot do such work. Which +is plain rubbish. It only means that they do not like doing it. Neither +do many women. And men can do most of it perfectly well if they will +only take the trouble to learn how it is done. I do not mean that I +propose for men such jobs as matching wools, or making babies' clothes, +or arranging the drawing-room. There are limits to our powers. But I do +seriously mean that setting fires, cleaning grates, carrying coals, +making beds, washing dishes, cooking, scrubbing floors, cleaning brass +and silver, etc., etc. are things which the average man can do quite as +well as the average woman. Why then should they all be piled upon the +weary back of the woman? Because, you probably say, the man must hurry +off to business in the morning, and comes home too tired at night. Yes! +most of us really believed all that before the war, and then we began +to make discoveries. One was that there can be a lot of time before a +man goes off to business, and another was that the man is not more +tired by 6.30 p.m. than the woman, and can do a lot of useful things +if he has the will. And I urge this point not only because it is in the +clearest sense only fair, but because until a man does in this way take +his share of the home burden he cannot understand his wife's life, and +cannot give her intelligent sympathy. + +The instinctive male attitude to household details is often expressed +in the phrase that they are "bally nonsense," or something else equally +picturesque. But when a little experience has taught a man how _very_ +uncomfortable he would be if the details were not right, he is +forthwith able to be a much more intelligent friend to his wife. I do +not think fathers ever really know their little children till they have +helped in looking after them at bedtime, in the early morning, and at +meals. And I am sure that no man ever knows what a crowded and terrific +thing life can be till he has been left at home alone for a whole +evening to look after two or three. When he has undergone that +searching experience he will forthwith respect his wife with a new +sincerity. + +It is extraordinary too what a jolly business housework can be when two +people go at it together and get all the possible fun out of it. On the +other hand, when it is all done by lonely people it can be vilely +tedious. Thousands of husbands have no idea of this. If they searched +their own minds they would find that their idea of their own homes is +that they are places to be kept clean and comfortable for them, and +their idea of their own wives is that they are women whose first duty +is to minister to their comfort. Any suggestion that this may mean a +very dull life for wives is met by a snort, and some muttered murmur +about "poisonous modern nonsense." But in spite of that or any other +more brilliant adjectives that may be employed the suggestion is +unalterably true, and if, having made life as dull as that for their +wives, such men find that marriage itself is not turning out well, it +is high time they should wake up to the fact that they themselves are +to blame. + +And yet may some kindly Providence save us all from the women who never +forget the house--whose domestic possessions seem to constitute mere +extensions of their nervous systems, so that if you kick the fender you +give them the jumps--who cannot sit still once they have seen a speck +of dust, and cannot turn with free minds to any wider interest. They +help to fill clubs and pubs. But they ruin homes. I want husbands to +share the housework chiefly because in that way it will get done the +sooner, and give both husband and wife some free time. If they want +really to live they must take care to get away at times from all such +merely domestic concerns. If need be let the supper dishes lie dirty, +but out of sight, until to-morrow--if need be, let your husband wear a +sock with a hole in it--put off cutting out baby's trousers, and even +let your new blouse go without that alteration in the meantime, but on +most evenings at all costs get some time to read, or enjoy music, or go +out, or talk, or dream, or do nothing. The problem of civilization is +unsolved for those who let the house tyrannize over them, and the +problem of marriage also. All of which may seem rather trivial and +unimportant to some men, but in my belief it is connected in a +strangely intimate way with the success of life. + +Of course the converse to all this is that wives do well to enter into +their husbands' interests. It is often done with amazing success. I can +think at the moment of doctors, lawyers, engineers, shopkeepers, +scholars, writers, financiers, teachers, and ministers whose wives have +entered keenly and with intelligence into all their cares, plans, and +labors. And in every such case the friendship between man and wife has +been very close, and the marriage truly happy. When this is not done, I +often wonder why. I suppose some wives do not understand their +husbands' affairs at first, and cannot be bothered trying to +understand. I suppose that some husbands are too impatient to explain, +and that others really cannot. If so it is a pity. Possibly some would +rather not explain. I have often wondered what the wives of many modern +business men think of modern business methods; and I suspect that +generally they simply do not know the truth. But I repeat it is a very +great pity when a wife has no relation to her husband's business. It +means that he has a life quite apart from her. And if it be said that +many a man wants to forget his business and all its worries as soon as +he gets inside his own front door, it is equally true that often such +men have worries they cannot forget, and that they would be stronger +and happier men if they only knew what a woman's sympathy is. + +All of which seems to me so very important--so inevitably important-- +that I cannot but think it should be remembered when young men and +women are deciding about their marriages. Have you noticed the lines on +the face of that greatest of men--Abraham Lincoln? They were there in +large measure because he married a woman who could not or would not +share his real life. + + +II + + +PHYSICAL HARMONY + + +It is beyond all question that in many cases where marriage is not +turning out happily the real cause lies in some failure to achieve real +and true adjustment of the sexual relationship which marriage +involves. + +Here again there are no absolute rules. Miss Royden, for instance, has +written a most notable chapter called "The Sin of the Bridegroom" in +which with fine candor she points out how cruel it may be for a husband +to suppose that on the first night of his marriage, and after a day of +great fatigue, his wife will necessarily be emotionally attuned for her +first experience of intimacy, and how fatal the results may be if he +imposes himself upon her in an unresponsive hour. I am sure that +every word in that chapter is true and important. I agree with the +suggestion that every man should read it before he marries. But it is +also true that many couples who did then experience intimacy can look +back upon the first night of marriage as on a sacred occasion which +they recall with wonder. + +Yes, there are no absolute rules. But there are unalterable facts. And +the supremely important one here is that sexual intimacy is only a +perfect experience when it is a mutual experience. I think the delusion +is nearly dead that woman is a passionless creature, who will never +actively desire her husband but who ought to be willing to receive him +whenever he desires. Happy marriages can only be built upon the grave +of that misconception. It was held to be a view honoring to women. As a +matter of fact it led to a great deal of cruelty. No doubt women differ +greatly, but in every woman who truly loves there lies dormant the +capacity to become vibrantly alive in response to her lover, and to +meet him as a willing and active participant in the sacrament of +marriage. And till that dormant capacity has been stirred into life +sexual intimacy may be actually repulsive, with the result that +children may be born who are not in the full sense the product of +creative love, and that the relations of husband and wife may remain +difficult and unsatisfying to both. + +This is not what God ordained. There is an art of wooing which Nature +teaches to many men, and would, I think, teach to all men if they were +patient and willing to learn. It consists in a love-making that appeals +to the mind, the heart, and ultimately the body, and through it alone +can a woman be attuned for her natural part in marriage. It is her +inalienable right thus to be wooed before sexual intimacy is asked for, +and husbands who are too impatient to offer such wooing do her a real +wrong. + +There are times when a woman cannot respond, and a true husband must +learn to recognize such times. Some of them are perfectly obvious. When +a woman is not well, or is fatigued--when pregnancy has advanced beyond +its early stages--when full health has not been recovered after +childbirth--at these and at other times the conditions are not present +for a true sexual experience, and in the name of his love a man must +learn not to ask for what cannot be freely given. + +None the less it is not always and only the husbands who make mistakes +in this part of life. A woman must be at least willing to be awakened +and made responsive, and many women have a strange power of controlling +themselves in this matter. They can repress their natures even when +desire has begun to stir. They can remain cold at will. And they do +it for many and varied reasons. Sometimes their reasons are purely +selfish--they cannot or will not be bothered. Sometimes they allow a +sense of pique over some trifling grievance to inhibit their natural +instincts. Sometimes because they shrink from the labors of motherhood +they acquire a distaste for this whole side of married life. And +meantime their husbands are men in whom ardent love naturally, +inevitably, and rightly produces a desire for intimacy. They may be +willing to be patient. They may study their wives' moods, and try to +learn to be chivalrous lovers. But if day after day they meet with no +response--if on the contrary they find their wives deliberately +checking all response, is it not clear that a situation is created that +cannot but threaten married happiness? Is it not inevitable that +husbands so treated should begin to wonder whether their wives really +love them? For love makes people unselfish, and equally it makes them +understanding. On the other hand, when wives do understand, and learn +in this respect to be generous, they bind their husbands to them in new +chains of affection. In some husbands almost the strongest emotion +they have towards their wives is a sense of profound gratitude for a +generosity that made those wives willing to meet them again and again +in love's high places, and allow them that ultimate expression of +their passion through which nature is restored to balance and peace. +And surely it might help wives to attain to that generosity if they +would but remember that it is love for them that kindles passion, and +that it is an ever-renewed sense of their lovableness that keeps their +husbands so eager. + +But there is another strange reason that keeps some wives physically +unresponsive, and so prevents any perfect sexual experience. It is a +reason that only operates with refined and spiritually minded women, +and though its results may be very serious it seems to them a right +reason. What I am thinking of is a sense that it is not quite right or +quite seemly or quite refined to allow the primitive instincts of the +body to awaken. In other words, such women are afraid of passion in +themselves, and suspect that it is not quite consistent with their +moral and religious ideals to allow it to have sway. And so they never +frankly and openly accept their own sexuality. It may be natural enough +in view of the terrible ways in which men and women have misused and +degraded passion. It is almost inevitable when women have been brought +up to believe that morality consists chiefly in self-suppression. +None the less it is a mistaken, and ultimately an irreverent as well as +a fatal misconception. It was Jesus who said, "He which made them at +the beginning made them male and female and said, For this cause shall +a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they +twain shall be one flesh." There is a place in the holy life for the +free, happy, and full expression of the instincts and desires that are +rooted in our sex natures. The assumed inevitable opposition between +bodily and spiritual functions has no real existence. We cannot +spiritualize the body away. To neglect or simply to repress it is a +course that comes to no good. What we can do is to accept, understand, +and then use it rightly. And when we do so it turns out that the free +and happy exercise of bodily function will harmonize with all the rest +of our life till body, soul, and spirit attain to harmony and unity. I +think this reluctance to accept our real natures is wrong and +unreasonable, but my chief feeling about it is a sense of pity that +women for reasons which seem to them good should none the less miss the +joy and exaltation which might be theirs, and should compel their +husbands to suffer also. + +It is strange but it is true that the two commonest reasons for the +failure of marriage in this aspect of it are a lustful view of it and a +mistakenly spiritual view of it. A lustful view of it will lead people +to be content with merely physical unity, though they are attaining to +no union of their mental and spiritual lives. And that means that +marriage is a very poor affair. But on the other hand this falsely +spiritual view will lead to an attempt to leave the body out. And that +is a course of folly for incarnate spirits. The real end of marriage is +a unity in which body, soul, and spirit will all play a part, and +nothing else really satisfies. It has been wisely said that "there are +liberating and harmonizing influences which are imparted by sexual +union and which give wholesome balance and sanity to the whole organism +provided that union is the outcome of psychic as well as physical +needs. . . . Through harmonious sex relationships a deeper spiritual +unity is reached than can possibly be derived from continence either in +or out of marriage." + +The waiting-rooms of specialists in nervous disease are crowded by men +and women suffering from nerve trouble through failure to attain +harmonious sexual relations in married life. But many of them might +have escaped that fate had they only been able to take the simple +Christian view of themselves and their natural functions. It was a God +of love who made us as we are, and we only interfere with His plans for +us when we try on this earth to live as if we were out of it, or call +that unclean which in His wisdom He has set in the center of our life. + + +III + + +BIRTH CONTROL + + +Not only because the subject of Birth Control occupies a very great +place in the public attention just now, but also because it does raise +very important and real questions for married persons I wish to speak +shortly of it here. + +Some day, perhaps, the medical profession will do the public the great +service of issuing some authoritative statement about the physical +aspects of the matter, for there are issues with which only medical men +can deal wisely. + +And yet it is far from being only or even mainly a medical question. +The moral and social issues involved in it are of great importance. + +It is now a matter of common knowledge that it is possible for two +persons to live together in sexual intimacy and yet avoid having +children. And this has created new problems for the married and new +dangers for the unmarried. Probably it has had a great deal to do with +the recent increase of irregular sexual relationships outside marriage. +The women whose sole motive for chastity was the fear of having +children and so of being openly disgraced are now set free to sin +against the truth without fear of that particular penalty. + +I am not, however, in the meantime concerned with them. It is the +problem raised for married persons that concerns me. About two main +points I am quite clear. + +In the first place, for two healthy young persons to marry with the +definite intention of having no children is, I believe, an unchristian +thing. If they cannot afford to have children they cannot afford +to marry. If at the beginning they interfere with nature they spoil +their first experiences of sexual intimacy, which should be spontaneous +and untrammelled. I even believe that artificial attempts to postpone +the arrival of a first child are a deplorable mistake. The first +consummation of love should be closely followed by parentage. Some +couples having followed the plan of postponing parentage have, when it +was too late, found that by this course they had forfeited the +possibility of that great privilege. Of course children mean very hard +work. Of course they restrict the freedom of parents to pursue their +own pleasure, and use up a large proportion of the family income. But +these things are a blessing in disguise. Comparative poverty for young +couples is a bracing and a useful discipline. Probably the cream of the +nation consists of men and women reared in families of four or five, +where the parents gave much individual attention to each child, and by +self-denial helped them to a good start in life. When birth control is +resorted to in order to avoid the labors of family life it is a purely +selfish and quite indefensible thing. + +I am thinking of course of healthy parents. Unhealthy parents probably +ought not to have children at all. + +The second point I am clear about is that for most couples to have as +many children as is possible is equally indefensible. Most healthy +couples could have far more children than they can do justice to. In +fact the plan of unrestricted families results in a threefold wrong. It +is nothing less than cruel to women. The overburdened mothers who were +confined once a year or once in eighteen months, never allowed to +regain full strength between confinements, and made prematurely old, +are, I hope, a thing of the past. Marriage on those terms did mean +servitude. Further, the plan is cruel to children. They cannot +on these terms receive sufficient attention. They are not given a fair +start in life, and in many cases do not even receive sufficient healthy +nourishment. These things are of course in part due to the artificial +conditions of modern life. But the conditions are there and cannot be +ignored. And thirdly, the plan involves a wrong to society. We have +great need of healthy well-trained children, but society as a whole +suffers when children are brought into the world who cannot be properly +cared for. + +About this point I conceive there really cannot be any doubt whatever. +And thus the problem of birth control forces itself upon our attention. +It is a duty to women, to children, and to the state. The really +difficult question is, "How is it to be achieved?" + +One great Church in Christendom replies, "By continence, and by no +other method." And there are many who arrive at the same position +because they hold that sexual intimacy is only justified, and +is only holy, when the deliberate purpose of producing children enters +into it. As I see the matter we come here to the central ethical issue +of this whole matter. Is it true that sexual intimacy is only right and +beautiful when it is entered upon with a creative purpose, or is it +also right and sacramental as an expression of mutual affection? +Or put differently--granting that two persons have allowed their love +to lead to parentage, and have loyally accepted the burdens of family +life, may they rightly continue to live in intimacy after the point has +been reached at which they know they ought not to have any more +children? It is at this point that people of unquestionable moral +earnestness differ acutely, I am compelled to take my stand with those +who believe that sexual intimacy is right and good in itself as an +expression of affection. It has, as a matter of fact, a good many other +consequences than the production of children. It constitutes a bond of +very great worth between two persons. It is in many interesting ways +beneficial to a woman's physical system; and it brings to men a general +balance and repose of being which is of enormous value. I believe, in +fact, that in actual experience it does justify itself as a method +of expressing affection. + +The alternative for thousands of couples is not merely the cessation of +sexual intimacy, but also abstinence from all the endearing intimacies +which are natural and spontaneous in married life. They must not only +sleep apart, but in many ways live apart. And this not only means pain +of heart such as would take a very great deal to justify it, but also +often leads to serious nervous trouble because of the strain which it +involves. I have insisted again and again in these pages that +continence is perfectly possible for unmarried men. But continence for +a man living in the same house with a woman whom he loves, and with +whom he has had experience of sexual intimacy, is a very different +thing. It is possible for some--perhaps for many, and without serious +loss. But for many others it is not possible except on terms which lead +to serious nervous trouble. And for such persons, and on the terms I +have indicated, I believe conception control to be the better way. + +As to how that control should be achieved I have no special fitness to +speak. I would advise any couple, faced by the problem, to consult some +doctor of repute till they understand the matter, and then to find out +for themselves what is for them the right course to adopt. + +I know that for some people what is called the sublimation of sexual +desire provides a successful way of dealing with the situation. They +find themselves able without any emotional loss to divert to other +directions and uses the energy of their sex natures. But it is a +mistake to imagine that what is possible for one couple is necessarily +possible for all. Attempts at sublimation often result in mere +repression, and on the heels of that come serious troubles. + + + + + +CHAPTER XI + + +UNHAPPY MARRIAGES + + +A good deal has already been said in these pages about the causes of +failure in marriage, but I feel that a more definite dealing with the +problem of unhappy marriages is called for. + +I do not recognize any problem in those cases where marriage has not +been based upon love. When a man or a woman marries for financial +reasons, or out of a desire for a certain place in society, or because +of a mere desire to settle down in life, then he or she runs an +enormous risk, and there is nothing to be surprised at if trouble +follows. So close an intimacy as marriage involves is really only +tolerable when love constantly supplies reasons for patience, +generosity and forgiveness. In fact by marrying for any other reason +than love men and women only make the permanent and inevitable problems +of life a great deal harder to solve. And a human life does always +involve a problem either in or out of marriage. Life is a complex and +perplexing business. + +But if it be true that many marriages begin with intense love and yet +after some time turn out unhappily, then a very real problem is +presented to our minds, and probably what I have already said about the +wonder of sex love, and its harmonizing influence on personalities, has +accentuated that problem for some of my readers. There are many wives +who once loved their husbands intensely, but who are now laboriously +learning to endure them. There are many husbands who felt that they had +attained to all that they longed for when they married, but who now are +almost giving up in despair the task of living even peaceably with +their wives. Many such people are heard declaring that love is +the arch deceiver of the world, and that its power only lasts during a +few short hours in the morning of life. For many the early and +wonderful days of marriage remain only as a tormenting memory, so +entirely has the color faded out of their lives. And I know that the +pain of such situations is so intense that I would fain speak of them +only with consideration and sympathy. + +But none the less the broad fact has to be stated that in such cases it +is not marriage that has failed but the people involved in marriage. +There is nothing in the whole of life so beautiful or so holy but that +it can be spoilt when mishandled, and love is no exception to this. I +believe love is always felt as a call to unselfishness, but it is a +call that can be resisted. And when it is resisted and two selfish +people find themselves tied together for life, all the conditions of +misery are present. Selfish people are nearly always unhappy people, +and two unhappy people certainly cannot make a happy marriage. + +And yet these generalities do not carry us very far. Unless we can +discover in further detail why marriages fail, these things were better +left unsaid. I believe, however, we can discover many of the +reasons. + +To begin with, a good many unhappy husbands are idle men. Having no +hard work to which they must give themselves daily, they have to try to +find interest in life in some other way. And because there is no other +way they inevitably find themselves threatened with boredom. While +their love was new it seemed to them that it would fill life for +ever with romance and joy, but so soon as the first early stages of +marriage were past they found it failing them. Such men almost always +become moody or restless or irritable, and if they are much at home +their wives have to try to humor them through their troubles. It is +more than any woman ought to be asked to do, and more than any woman +can continuously accomplish. If such men came home in the evening +honestly tired through trying to do something worth doing they would +find their homes a delightful solace. But life's problem cannot be +solved by an idle man, whether he be married or unmarried. + +And the same is true for idle wives, though there are not so many of +them. When a woman has turned over to her servants all household cares +and even the care of her children that she may run after pleasure she +has chosen to live on terms which never yet made anybody lastingly +happy. We are by nature too big for that way of life, and sooner or +later it fails to make us even content. Love will light up with a +wonderful color lives that are given to honest work, but even love +cannot make idleness other than a wearisome career. Then there are +couples who have refused to have children. If the reason be that some +possibility of disease has made it seem wrong to have children, it may +be that both will learn to adapt themselves to this limitation and to +achieve happiness in spite of it. Thousands of couples who are +childless against their own wills have learnt none the less to live +together in lasting happiness. But when childlessness is the result of +a mere selfish policy, it often revenges itself upon the couple +concerned. They have deliberately refused satisfaction to one of the +deepest instincts within them, and though they may not realize it, +those suppressed instincts destroy their harmony of being. They do not +face the fact that they have such instincts, because they could not +meet them with any adequate reason for suppressing them. They try to +deceive themselves into believing that the instincts are not there, or +they repress them from selfish causes, and life does not let them off. +Love remains unsatisfied. Its august claims have been refused. And +therefore it does not and cannot continue to bring them joy. + +Another reason for unhappy marriages I have already spoken of in a +previous chapter. Sometimes they were marriages of passion and not of +love. Sometimes men and women allow themselves to be hurried into union +by the driving force of an almost impersonal thing that is purely +physical in nature, and though they think they are acting out of love, +they are leaving out the larger part of their natures. Mind and spirit +may have had no part at all in the transaction. And after such a step +there is bound to come a painful awakening. After a while he or she +will find that in the most intimate part of married life only the body +is acting, and then two people who have got very close to one another +in one respect may yet find that they are still in many ways strangers +to each other. That must always be a most critical situation. I believe +that a successful way out of it might almost always be found, if only +the two concerned would use much patience and would learn mutual +accommodation. But patience is not a universal possession either among +men or women, and often rash and foolish things are said or done at +such times which seem to break hopelessly the house of dreams which up +till then had seemed so beautiful and so permanent. + +If only men and women could learn that the love which makes happy +marriages is _not_ mere passion, though it involves passion, a world of +troubles might be avoided. + +The plain though unpalatable truth about a great many marriages is +that, though there was love in them at the beginning, there was not +enough of it. Often there was enough to make the man eager and +delighted to enjoy his wife when she was happy, but not enough of it to +make him able and willing to help her when she was depressed. There was +enough to make each able to take delight in the charms of the other, +but not enough to make either willing to forgive the faults in the +other, and help him or her to conquer them. There was enough for sunny +days but not enough for foggy ones--enough to produce laughter but not +enough to beget patience--enough for admiration but not enough for +understanding--enough for joy in the other's successes but not enough +for helpfulness after the other had failed. Perhaps a woman will always +seem in some ways a queer creature to a man. It is certain that no man +has always understood any woman. And I suppose a man always seems at +times a strange, childish, and primitive being to a woman, so that she +also fails to achieve understanding. But when understanding has failed +love is put to one great test. Nothing can get a couple through times +when understanding has failed, except love. But love can do it when +there is enough of it. + +Nor is that the hardest thing love has to do. There come times when, +because nobody is always good, and most of us are often bad, love has +to face the plain fact of sin in the loved object. At such times to +approve is impossible, and would be a real disloyalty. To break out +into mere reproaches is futile and irritating. To do nothing is to let +a seed of separation sink into the common life. Yet the situation can +be met. It can be met by real love, because love can forgive. +Forgiveness does not mean condoning wrong. It does not mean blindness, +which is never a helpful thing. It means loving the person who has +stumbled in spite of the fact, and even perhaps just because of it. It +is at such times that one who has failed most needs love, and when +therefore love gets a supreme chance. But if a husband or a wife has +not enough love to take that chance, then marriage may fail. + +And here I am not talking about exceptional cases. Whoever you are, if +you marry you are going to marry a sinner--a man or a woman who will +some day fall below his best self or her best self. And just because +you love it will bring you acute pain. You would do well to ask +yourself beforehand what you are going to do about it. And if you +cannot feel that you could forgive and go on loving all the same, you +would do well to think again. The whole story of some unhappy marriages +is told in one sentence. There was love in them, but not enough to +produce forgiveness. Yet the ultimate proof that true love is divine in +origin lies just in the fact that true love _can_ forgive. + +All of which leads me on to the real reason why I write this chapter. +Marriages often fail because people often fail, and people fail +ultimately for one central reason--that they have not God in their +lives. I have read as much modern fiction as most people. And while I +have plodded through elaborately told tales of the sufferings of +married people, my amazement has grown that these tales are almost +without exception the stories of people who had no conscious relation +to God. Their authors seem to think it a most interesting thing that +such lives should go wrong, and they base upon that fact the suggestion +that life is essentially a tragic and rather disappointing matter. To +me nothing seems more inevitable and more entirely explicable than that +on such terms life should fail, and should fail alike for the married +and the unmarried. What could be more simple! + +The essential greatness of man lies in the fact that he is capable of +fellowship with God. It is in realizing that fellowship that he truly +comes to himself. In nothing less than that can he ultimately find +satisfaction. The reason why all lesser experiences fail him is just +that he was made for something greater still. These lesser experiences +will carry him through the morning of life and past the usual time for +marriage. But later on the unalterable facts about his nature begin to +assert themselves. Though he does not always know it--often indeed does +not know it--he begins to need his God. And till he finds God he is +wrongly related to the whole universe. Though he will generally fight +against it a certain sadness threatens to settle on his spirit. He will +try all the old joys; and though he may pronounce them still good, a +quiet voice within will pronounce them not good enough. He cannot live +even on human love, and a disturbing force will begin to trouble him +even when he is with the wife he has loved so well. And so marriage +begins to fail. + +I find the psychologists saying this with their peculiar vocabulary. +They tell us that the individual has to achieve certain adaptations if +he is to find his harmonious and balanced life. One of these is the +adaptation to society; another is the adaptation to sex, and a third is +the adaptation to the infinite. If for "adaptation to the infinite" we +put the time-honored phrase "reconciliation with God," then +psychologists and religious teachers will be found saying identically +the same thing. And all three adaptations are necessary. Adaptation +to sex alone is not enough. For those who do know God it turns out that +their human fellowship based on love becomes so entirely at one with +the divine fellowship, that the two almost cease to be felt as two and +certainly the human fellowship is enormously enriched. But where the +divine fellowship is a thing unknown a certain deep-seated weariness +and loneliness will possess the man, let his human love be never so +wonderful. + +What thousands of people are demanding of the universe is that there +should be some way of solving life's problems without religion. And +life in every century has gone on demonstrating that there is no way of +solving them except through religion. I am using religion in the +largest sense, which is also the truest sense. I am not here concerned +with the dogmas of any particular church, nor with the question of the +ways in which religion shall express itself. The truth I am emphasizing +is that without some conscious relation to his God man remains a +stranger in the world and an exile from his spiritual peace; and that +such men cannot be happy or satisfying husbands. And of course all that +I have written as if thinking only of husbands is equally true for +wives. + +I have been the perplexed and sympathetic confidant of a number of +people who with dismay and sorrow were finding out that marriage was +failing them. In almost all these cases religion had been simply passed +by as a thing hardly relevant to real life, and it has been plain +beyond all question that the trouble in the sphere of marriage could +not be mended till something had happened to the persons concerned--in +other words, till they had learnt to seek and use the help of God. And +often they know it for themselves. "I think what I really need is God," +said one very troubled wife to me a few years ago. But she had begun +with a long and moving story about her marriage. She indeed went on to +ask how God can be found, and it may be that some of my readers will at +once want to ask that question, I cannot attempt to deal with it here +and now. The first great step towards finding Him is to realize that we +need Him, and so to begin to seek Him. And for the rest I can only add +that thousands upon thousands have proved in life the truth of what +Jesus claimed when He announced "I am the Way." I have written this +book largely because I have with reason and out of experience so great +a faith in the possibilities of the love that is consummated in +marriage that I would fain testify to others concerning it. But I would +none the less like to warn any man or any woman lest he or she should +imagine that by human love alone life's problem can be solved. Without +God we fail in life, and the bitterest part of the failure for many is +that even that beautiful and delicate thing marriage fails with the +rest. "We are restless till we rest in Thee," and two restless hearts +cannot be happy hearts even though they be joined together in the bonds +of love. + + + + + +CHAPTER XII + + +THE INFLUENCE OF SOCIAL CONDITIONS + + +Let me begin this chapter with a query. Is not all the trouble in the +modern world over the sexual element in life the evidence of something +abnormal and distorted in the very constitution of modern society? Or +put differently, would it not turn out that if only men and women were +set in just and healthy conditions, given real education and sufficient +means of self-expression, the sexual problem would be found very +largely to have solved itself? I cannot offer any dogmatic answer to +that query, though I have my own conviction that history will one day +answer it with an unmistakable affirmative. What we can do even now is +to notice that every maladjustment in our present social life tends to +increase the amount of failure in true sex morality. All our +callousness about social evils revenges itself upon us by confronting +us with an increasingly menacing problem in this connection, and all +honest service devoted to the increase of social health of any sort is +also helping our moral progress. + +And I wish to amplify this point because I hope some at least of the +readers of this book will find themselves asking eagerly what can be +done in view of the seriousness of sexual evil. If those who go wrong +in sex matters are spoiling their lives at the core, which of us would +not like to do something to guard the young from wandering, and to help +to clean the modern world! Therefore it is a real satisfaction to be +able to reply, as I do with complete conviction, "Anything you do to +help to bring social justice and general health any nearer is also +helping towards the solution of this one problem." + +Let us consider some of the outstanding social evils from this point of +view. + +I turn first to the matter of _education_ because it is the primary +issue in every connection. Now education that stops at fourteen is +hardly worthy to be called education at all. It is after that age that +those interests awaken which provide absorbing life for boys and girls, +and ensure them against the pains and dangers of empty-mindedness. +It is also after that age that most young folks learn the ways +and means of self-expression. Probably also, at least in the case +of boys, the years between fourteen and sixteen are just the years +when the discipline of school life is most valuable, and it is certain +that during that period healthy games, played under the discipline of +sternly enforced rules, do most to put boys into possession of +themselves, and to provide a wise outlet for their abundant energies. +Consider then what happens so long as we continue to send boys out of +school at the age of fourteen. They go with minds unawakened and +therefore empty. They face adolescence in almost complete freedom from +control. They very often have far too little opportunity for +invigorating games, and they do not know how to express themselves, +though vital energies are vibrant within them. It is only natural that +they should find orderly ways of life very dull, and that in pursuit of +excitement they should take to hooliganism. Not having learnt to +appreciate either literature or art, they either read nothing or read +stories that are neither true nor decent. They respond only to what is +highly spiced and have nothing in their minds to counter balance the +meretricious attractions of suggestive stories and undesirable films. +The truth about the people who are fond of "blue" stories is often +(though not always) that those stories accurately indicate their +intellectual level. And the uneducated modern boy is often at that +level through no fault of his own. It actually is hard for men to whom +the wonder and the splendor of life have been revealed to find room in +their mental life for indecent trash. But till we really educate our +boys we are sending them out into life unarmed against some of its +worst features. + +And if the general failure of education has this deplorable effect, +what shall we say of the complete lack of any special education +relating to sex in at least a majority of modern schools? I know that +that is a very difficult matter. I know that disaster may follow from +any attempt to do it in a general way through class teaching. I know +too that it ought to be done by parents. But it is not done, and both +boys and girls go out to face the dangers of life in town and country +without the knowledge of physical facts which might guide them into +safety. Actual immorality is indeed uncommon between the ages of +fourteen and seventeen, but those years are often spent in a way that +is the worst possible preparation for the struggle that is to come. + +I have put my main stress on the fact that education stops at fourteen, +because to my mind that is the outstanding defect of our system. But +even the education we do give is ill fitted to attain its true end. It +is not the fault of the teachers. Many of them do wonderful work, and +long to be allowed to do better work. But with classes of from fifty +to seventy the most heaven-born teacher in the world cannot achieve his +purposes. It is certain that lovers of purity who really understand +human nature cannot be among the panic-stricken economists who want to +starve education. + + +_Housing_ + + +Housing evils are mainly of two kinds. Houses are often dark, damp, and +evil-smelling, which means ill-health. And houses are often too small, +which means that human beings are packed so closely that privacy is +impossible. Both results affect morality. A man below par in general +health is far more susceptible to the lure of evil than a really +healthy one. And the same is true of girls. There are to be found in +some corners of our towns lewd and unwholesome-looking youths whose +talk and whose actions are unclean and sordid. We perhaps shudder as we +pass by and sense what is their moral condition, but if we knew the +houses from which they come we might hardly wonder. Then plainly it is +hostile to wholesome living when husband and wife cannot have a +sleeping-place separate from the rest of the family, and when growing +boys and girls share the same room, so that natural modesty is +confronted with constant obstacles to its normal development. When I +wrote some pages back about the disciplinary value of the daily cold +bath, I could hardly forbear stopping at that point to comment on the +fact that that primary condition for bodily and moral health is beyond +the reach of millions. Our housing has not yet reached the bathroom +standard for the majority of our people. + +All these considerations are perfectly obvious and have often been +urged before. But though I have known of many cases where moral evil +has followed from bad housing conditions, I have known so many +instances where in spite of bad housing conditions morality has been +perfectly preserved, that I do not make so much of this point as some. +I have yet to learn that morality is made safe by the most elaborate +and healthy housing conditions. It is true that the level of morality +is very low indeed in really overcrowded slums, but it also is true +that the section of the population among which real purity is most +common is the artisan section, and many of them have to contend with +very poor housing conditions. The Royal Commission on Venereal Disease +reported that while the class of casual laborers is the worst in the +country, the next in the scale is the one described as "middle and +upper classes". Traveling west in our cities does not mean traveling +towards morality. + + +_Sweating_ + + +There are three main directions in which sweating tends to increase +immorality. In the first place low wages paid to men make marriage very +difficult, and sometimes impossible. And nothing could be worse for any +community than that healthy and robust men should be debarred from +marriage after twenty-one by purely material considerations. It is not +impossible for a man to remain chaste through a lifetime of celibacy, +but for all that a society that enforces celibacy on men against their +will is making immorality a practical certainty. + +A particularly mean form of this evil occurs in connection with the +living-in system which is imposed by a good many big shops on their +employees. I used to know a number of young men of marriageable age who +were housed in a great and bare sort of barracks and given in addition +a wage that was only enough to provide dress and necessary etceteras. +If, desiring to marry, they said that they wished to live out and to +receive the equivalent of their board and lodging in money, they got in +those pre-war days £18 a year extra. Is it to be wondered at that in +that section of society it was a common saying that "only fools get +married"? But it was not a chaste section of the community. Men are +very seldom chaste when they live in exclusively male communities. + +Then, secondly, sweating makes for immorality because it means that +girls are paid wages which are quite insufficient to support life. Some +of them live at home with their parents and so get through, but those +who have to support themselves become subjected to a terribly severe +temptation to add to their starvation wages by the sale of themselves. +It is still in this way that a considerable percentage of the +prostitutes of the country is created, and the number of girls who, +though not known as prostitutes, have sacrificed their purity because +of financial pressure must be very great. + +The word sweating also covers cases where workers are subjected to +overwork, and unduly long hours; and therefore under this head I +mention the influence of the strain of long shop hours. The improvement +has been great of late in this respect, but still there are restaurants +and special shops where the strain on girls is very heavy. And the +result is that after work is over they are fit for nothing but walking +about the streets in search of diversion. Many indeed who live in +hostels have almost no choice between walking in the streets or going +to bed. There is no need to say more. First girls are rendered +nervously weary and yet eager for fresh air and movement, and then they +have to face all that street life may mean. The recreations offered +them in cinemas and music-halls are often calculated to give them just +the wrong sort of excitement. And so first they are bored by monotony +and long hours, and then played upon by rather low forms of suggestive +art. It is here that girls' clubs and troops of girl guides meet the +real needs of girls; and they probably constitute the finest influence +of the right sort which modern life offers them. + + +_Luxury_ + + +One of the most serious evils in the modern world is that a great many +men and women have far more money than is good for them, and that of +these a considerable number are not under any necessity to work. +Nothing in all the wide world is worse for a man than to have lots of +money and nothing to do. It is among these men that the patrons of +expensive vice are to be found. Of necessity such men are bored by +ordinary life. For life without work in it is always boring. It follows +that they must seek excitement, and a very short time suffices for them +to get all the excitement possible out of innocent recreations. +Wherefore in pursuit of something to stir them they take to the +diversions that are not innocent, and often try to exploit their own +passions to give color to life. Their expensive and luxurious ways of +life constitute one of the worst moral forces in the community. They +keep in existence to pander to their desires large numbers of +subordinates whose lives are also worthless and without any productive +value. It is because of them that the life of a courtesan seems to +offer golden prizes to some, and the hope of reaping such prizes +deludes many. Because this is a materialistic age their money gives +them powers to which they have no moral right, and no more wholesome +thing could happen to the whole community than that the necessary +changes should be worked out which would make such noxious drones +impossible in the future. It is for these people that sweated workers +drudge and sweat. And then, under our curious and indefensible laws of +inheritance, it is possible for wealth thus created to be passed on +from generation to generation, creating for each in turn the worst +possible conditions for true life. It is utterly unreasonable to hope +that we shall ever as a nation attain to moral health until this evil +has been dealt with. It seems to matter little whether such people are +married or unmarried; in both conditions they make havoc of sexual +life, and poison society. + + +_Drink_ + + +I have kept to the last the social evil which more than all the others +put together tends to produce sexual immorality. As I have already +said, it is a comparatively rare thing for a man to "go wrong" for the +first time when he is entirely sober. It is Bacchus that conducts men +into the courts of Venus. Mr. Flexner, who for scientific reasons made +a comprehensive study of Prostitution in Europe, reports that in every +country the whole traffic is "soaked in drink." There are inhibitions +in our humanity which make sexual vice repulsive to our taste, and +there are few who can get past these inhibitions until alcohol has +deadened their better feelings. Man after man has told me that it was +after some festive night when he had taken more wine than ever before +that he first fell. Unmarried mothers have told me that what happened +on the night that was fatal to them was that they were cajoled into +taking champagne or whisky, and after that could not well remember what +took place. + +It is not too much to say that until we have grappled with the drink +evil in our midst we cannot possibly hope to master this greater evil +which follows on the heels of intemperance. This one consideration +alone would make me an enthusiastic prohibitionist. We have tried life +on the present terms and it has beaten us. We have allowed the common +sale of a drug that is the proved enemy of our best life. It has +damaged us physically, industrially, and financially. But its most +deadly damage has been done in connection with our sexual life. It not +only misleads the unmarried, but in many homes it is daily destroying +all possibility of married happiness. No doubt the difficulties of +temperance reform are very great. But the real cause of the delay of +effective reform is want of will in the community as a whole. I cannot +but think that if the deadly and intimate connection between drink and +sexual vice were realized, the will to effective reform might appear +among us. + +When I consider all the forces which I have thus briefly reviewed, and +remember that behind them there is the power of a central and universal +human instinct, I no longer wonder that sexual follies abound in our +country, and that we have not yet solved the problem of purity. What I +do wonder at is that there are hundreds of thousands of young men and +women who, in spite of all these facts, insist on living clean and pure +lives. There is something in human nature that fights very hard for the +true way of life. Boys and girls with bad hereditary influences to +hamper them, and brought up in very unfavorable surroundings, do yet +constantly refuse to succumb. Even those who have made mistakes +constantly refuse to be beaten, and hold on tenaciously to the narrow +way. Though the modern world has been deluged with novels written to +display sexual irregularities in a romantic light, and to express +contempt for Christian moral standards, and though no doubt thousands +have been misled, it remains true that surprisingly large numbers +refuse to be befooled in such ways. I believe the reason is that, +strong as mere physical desire may be, love is a stronger thing still. +And it is the power of love that keeps many right. In many men it is +love for an ideal woman that does it. They keep themselves from evil +because, though they may never have met her, they believe one day they +will, and they want to bring her their best selves without any spot of +defilement. In many girls love works in the same redemptive way. And +perhaps in both what is really working is a mystic longing after the +best that life can hold, and a half-conscious understanding that that +best is only for those who preserve unity between body and spirit, and +keep the body in bonds until the pure command of love itself summons it +to freedom. + +And yet it is infamous that the struggle should be so hard for so many. +All of us who are ignorant or complacent or skeptical about the social +evils of our time are sharers in the iniquity of those who fall. Many +of us live in mean satisfaction, just because we ourselves have found +comfort and security; that is how these evil forces are able to go on +year after year leading thousands to their undoing. If the test of a +real passion for purity lies in caring about the forces that make for +impurity and caring to the point of suffering for those who fall, then +I fear few of us have that passion in any really effective and holy +form. And it will need passion to compete with the forces that lie +behind evil social conditions. They are entrenched behind the power of +money, and I know of only one passion that is stronger than money. + +When will all who really love take up the challenge of this disordered +modern world? We talk. We confer. We discuss social reform. But we do +not love. And that is why Mammon is able to laugh at us, and go on +dragging our boys and girls down into the mire. + + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + + + +FORGETTING THE THINGS WHICH ARE BEHIND + + + +I have implied in this book that the very best in sexual experience is +only for those who keep themselves unspotted in early life, and who +come to the sacrament of marriage with no previous and lower experience +of sex intimacy. I am even sure that the very best is spoilt a little +by all previous unworthy thinking, and by all perverse practices. + +I know that that will sound a hard saying to very many, for there are +few who have fulfilled these conditions for knowing the best. It must +seem to them that I am practically saying to them, "You can never now +enter into the holy of holies." Yet I cannot alter what I have said, +however acute may be my sympathy with those who have stumbled. I +believe it is true, and no good ever came of hiding the truth. It is +because it is true that I have such confident hope for mankind. Men and +women do in their hearts want the very best, and when they come to know +what are the only terms on which that very best can be had they will, I +believe, accept those terms. + +But this would be a cruel book, and a false book too, were I to imply +that there is no way in which the past can be forgotten and forgiven, +and no way into purity and joy even for those who have wandered. Were +that so I could not write at all about this subject, for it would then +be too tragic. + +Perhaps the worst consequence of aberrations in thought and conduct is +that they make it very very hard to be perfectly happy and unashamed +when at last love calls them to enter into the inner chambers of +marriage and romance. The shadows that rest at times on that part of +marriage even for some very happy lovers are due to the fact that the +man (or sometimes the woman) was once involved in something else before +that was a little like it, and yet was haunted then by a sense of +wrong-doing and so could not have a perfect experience. It is only to +the pure that _all_ things are pure. + +But it is _not_ true that the past need dog and spoil the future. It is +not true that sin is irremediable, nor that its stains remain for ever. +The essential and central thing in Christianity is the assertion that +there is a remedy for the situation that sin creates. + +I do not think there is any remedy to be found in simply trying to +ignore the past--or in saying that our aberrations were only those of +ninety per cent. of mankind, and were so natural as to be not worth +bothering about. In such ways we may push the past out of sight, but we +do not deal with it. It remains there though out of sight. For the fact +is that such sayings do not quite convince us, and therefore they +cannot kill the past. + +Nor is there any remedy to be found merely in the forgiveness of man or +of woman. Women are proverbially, and perhaps divinely, willing to +forgive. But a woman's forgiveness does not necessarily make a man able +to forgive himself. Nor does it always cleanse an unclean inner life. +To many a man it has been just the fact that his fiancée or wife was so +sublimely willing and able to forgive that has revealed to him his own +unworthiness and made it sting the more. + +No! there has got to be something much more drastic in our lives if we +are to get free from shame and remorse. We have got to go down into +that stony valley of humiliation where men and women face the naked +facts before their God, and stop all attempt to hide or to deceive. We +have got to stop the sophistries which are so dear to us, and through +which we try to put the blame on others, or on circumstance, or on +fate. We have got to face the fact that the evil things--whatever they +were, either small or great--happened because we were weak--because we +put pleasure before duty--because we gave in to lust, or evil +suggestion, or a craven longing to please the flesh. Yes! They happened +because we were weak, and that is a horrible thing to have to admit. +Yet admitting it is the only way to regain contact with the truth. And +what next? The next thing is that in that extremity we find God. It +might seem that He would probably be the last one to be found through +humiliation and the open admission of being impure. But in actual +experience that is how He is found. That is His way--to meet the man +who has discovered his own insufficiency--to intervene at the desperate +minute--to reveal to incarnate weakness His eternal strength--to give a +strange assurance that He Himself is about to enfold the man or woman +in His power, and tale charge of the future. And when that has happened +a man knows what to do with his past. He can leave it with God, and +then it loses at once all power to haunt him or put him to shame. It +was unclean, but the cleansing fires of the divine love have taken it +in charge, and its power is broken. That is something very different +from trying to hide it or trample upon it. That is really killing it, +and after that a man both may and can forget. + +"If any man be in Christ he is a new creature." That is literally true +even in this connection. Spiritually a man ceases to be the same person +as the one who was once so weak and unclean. He has entered a new +spiritual country. + +Experience has proved all this over and over again. Men who in early +youth were wild have by the grace of God become so essentially pure as +to become capable of true and blessed experiences of love and all that +love leads to with a fine woman. But it does need the grace of God. +Those who attempt simply to forget and make light of their early +follies do not escape from them. + +And why should I not boldly say the same thing--exactly the same thing-- +about a woman? It is certainly true. No one seriously believes that +the redeeming grace of God, which is sufficient for all other sins, +fails before this one. No one who has understood Christ doubts that He +can make a new woman, and a pure and noble woman, out of one who has +stumbled. And yet curiously society has never learnt to forgive women. +A man is allowed to forget the things which are behind. Generally a +woman is compelled to remember them till the very end. I shall never +forget being once at a meeting of men in New York where a very great +American woman spoke to us all on this subject. She pointed out to us +that society had never learnt to control the evils of this part of life +because it had never learnt to adopt the method of Jesus, which was +frank and full forgiveness. We have been afraid. We have thought it +would be socially disastrous. But Jesus had no hesitation in His voice +when He said to a penitent Magdalene, "Neither do I condemn thee, go +and sin no more." Of course she sinned no more. There is in all the +universe no constraining force like that combination of forgiveness and +trust. + +I am sure we cannot make our standard too high. I am sure we need to +guard against all compromise in thought with its august demands. But I +am equally sure we need to learn to forgive generously if we are ever +to help those who have stumbled. Forgiving sinners does not mean +condoning sin, else could there never be any divine forgiveness. What +it does mean is loving the persons concerned. Till we learn to exercise +that divine art, we do but shut the doors of hope against sinners and +push them farther down. + +Of course this means that for a pagan society there is no choice +between a sternly cold and cruel morality on the one hand, and license +on the other. For pagans cannot forgive. They alternate between a moral +indifference in which there is no hope for anybody, and a cold and +callous condemnation of sinners which is both hypocritical and cruel. +We have all seen both policies in action and know how hopeless they +both are. But in exact proportion as we learn to think and feel with +Christ we shall learn to forgive, and so doing shall begin to have +mastery over the evils in sex life that spring from ignorance, +waywardness, want of discipline, and the misunderstanding of love. +History is one long record of how by the force of law and by alternate +severity and carelessness the human race has tried to find for itself +the right path through this special country. But the record is largely +one of failure. There is no way of success for a society that depends +upon such forces. Here as in a dozen other connections the only way to +life is that Christian way which the world has so largely repudiated. +Mankind want to make a success of their life in this world--want to +make the most possible of it--but they want it apart from the +leadership of Christ, and so they miss it. He can show us the way of +life if we will but listen, but no other can. + +And His way is always and altogether the way of love--love that can +tame the brute in us and make it a servant--love that can transform +passion into a holy fire--love that makes men patient and women +generous--that takes the common things of life and makes them sacred-- +and above all love that can hate sin with fierce sincerity, and yet +love and forgive sinners. + +It is after this fashion that God loves us. We must so love one another +if we are to make human life great. + +There is another and a larger sense in which there is need that we +should forget the things which are behind. We need as a race to escape +from an evil past. Our greatest danger in this whole connection is the +danger of moral skepticism. "Sex vice has always been common," men say +with truth; and then with fatal unreason they add, "and always will +be." That way lies sheer disaster. The whole situation calls for faith +in man's future--faith in his capacity for purity--faith in love. And +that faith is really but a part of any true faith in God. + +In the past even Christian people have tried to evade the problem of +sex. The truth about it has not been openly sought. Its challenge has +not been bravely met. Its possibilities have not been realized. And +therefore fears, sufferings, excesses, cruelties, and injustice to +women have degraded our common life. The whole matter is central for +our civilization. While we think and work for reconstruction we would +do well to remember that there can be no happy and harmonious life for +us till this whole problem has been solved--till we have learnt to +enthrone pure love in our midst and by its passionate and cleansing +power to subdue the brute and exercise our complete humanity to the +glory of God. Love never faileth. It purifies passion and dominates the +flesh. If we believe in God we needs must believe in the triumph of +love; and that means a divine consummation at last to all our +wanderings and struggles in connection with Sex. + + + + + +APPENDIX + + + +A BRIEF SKETCH OF SOME OF THE PHYSIOLOGICAL FACTS + +BY + +A. CHARLES E. GRAY, M.D. (ED.) + + +APPENDIX + + +SOME OF THE PHYSIOLOGICAL FACTS + + +Of all the vital forces with which living things are endowed, the two +most potent are the instinct for self-preservation and the instinct for +race-preservation. This latter gives rise to the reproductive urge. So +deep-seated is this instinctive force, that in many instances in the +vegetable world, the threat of individual death results in a special +effort of reproduction and the individual dies to live in the next +generation. A force which is thus so insistent in the whole animal and +vegetable world is naturally not absent in the human being, and it is +well we should definitely recognize the fundamental power of this, in +every normal man and woman. Not seldom the reproductive instinct is +spoken of as a thing which can be put on one side and ignored. All +experience and history prove that this is impossible, and that the +attempt to do so ends in failure and disaster. But in civilized +communities it is equally impossible to allow such a force to range +unrestrained, hence the laws and customs of modern peoples. But mere +assent to external authority can never achieve more than partial +success. What is needed is whole-hearted agreement with an ideal which +can only be attained by education of every individual in a real +understanding of themselves and their responsibilities in sex matters. +It is due to the fault of parents and teachers, rather than their own, +that many men and women are to-day paying the penalty of having misused +or abused this divinely implanted instinct. + + +_The Law of Bi-sexual Reproduction_ + + +It is one of Nature's plans that in the genesis of a new individual two +individuals should take a share. This holds good throughout the whole +range of living things except the lower forms of plant and animal life, +such as fungi and animalcule. But, with one or two individual +exceptions, as plants and animals evolve, the union of two elements, +male and female, is needed to start the amazingly complex process of +building a new individual. Thus in flowers the stamens, the pollen +bearers, provide the male element which, through the intermediary of +the pistils, fertilizes the egg in the vesicle. In the higher animals +the egg or ovum is produced by the female, and is fertilized by the +sperm-cell produced by the male. The necessary union between these two +essential elements is attained in various ways. Thus the female salmon +deposits her eggs on a convenient spot in the bed of a stream and the +attendant male salmon then projects over them the spermatozoa. In the +higher animals there is a further development, and special organs are +evolved to ensure the conjunction of the two elements. I have not space +to describe in detail the effect of this union of the two cells, +generally spoken of as fertilization. It may be found fully recorded +step by step in any biological manual. Very briefly, the sperm-cells, +which are active, freely moving units, swarm round the egg-cell and one +of them eventually enters it. The essential part of the cells, namely +the nuclei, coalesce into one nucleus, and an active process of cell +division and multiplication is at once started. The single cell divides +into two daughter cells, then again into four, and so on. Very early in +development, the cells, which at first appear similar, become +differentiated into different types, but the whole ordered sequence of +the development of an embryo is achieved by this cell division and +multiplication. Each original cell contains a substance which, on +account of its being easily colorable with artificial stains, is called +chromatin, and this chromatin is believed to be the bearer of the +hereditary qualities. The cell division is so arranged that each new +cell receives an equal share of the male and female chromatin, and this +process is continued in every case of cell division, so that +eventually, in every part of our bodies, the dual inheritance remains +complete. + +But though both parents have thus an equal share in the cellular +elements of the new life, it is the female whose reproductive organs +provide for its nourishment and protection until birth takes +place. + +_The Human Sex Organs_ + + +In the female these consist of the womb or uterus, the ovaries, and a +canal called the vagina which leads from the lower end of the uterus to +an external opening, the vulva. The ovaries, two in number, are +situated one on each side of the uterus. The uterus, which is +pear-shaped, with the apex downwards, has three openings, one at the +apex and one at each side at the upper part. These two upper openings +are provided with a tubule extension, the Fallopian tubes, whose outer +ends are fringed and lie in close relation to the ovaries. The ova or +egg-cells are developed in the ovaries, and through a complex and +elaborate process a single cell comes to maturity from time to time. It +is then discharged into the open end of the Fallopian tube, reaches +thereby the uterus, and if not fertilized is discharged through the +lower opening of the uterus into the vagina. It is not known exactly +when this discharge of ova takes place, but it is believed to coincide +more or less with the monthly period. If, however, fertilization of the +ovum takes place, it is not discharged, but remains in the uterus. The +lining membrane of the uterus grows round and envelops it, and the +wonderful process of cell division and multiplication proceeds which +results in the growth and development of a child. + +These various organs are situated in the lower part of the abdomen, +within the protection of the bony pelvis or basin. This pelvis is, +compared with the male pelvis, broad and shallow, to provide for the +passage of the fully developed child at birth. The vagina is the +passage by which, during the birth process, the child reaches the outer +world, and it is also the sex organ by which, in the female, the union +of the male and female elements, of which we have spoken, takes place +in the sex act. + +The male sex organs consist of the testicles, in which the sperm-cells +or spermatozoa are evolved, of a coiled duct leading there from, and of +the distinctive male sex organ, the penis. This last serves the double +purpose of providing an exit for the contents of the bladder and for +that emission of the spermatozoa which occurs in the sex act. There are +also certain glands situated in close relation to this duct which +provide a fluid which is emitted at the same time as the spermatozoa, +the whole being termed the seminal fluid. It is thus clear that in both +sexes there are essential reproductive organs, the ovaries in the one +case, the testicles in the other, providing respectively ova and +sperm-cells, and there are also organs for the purpose of securing the +union of these two elements, namely the vagina in the female and the +penis in the male. These two sets of organs form the primary sex +characteristics or actual sex organs. + + +_The Sex Act_ + + +The special process which secures this union of the male and female +elements is termed copulation or coitus. It takes place in all +warm-blooded animals, as well as many others, but in man, with his +highly developed mental and psychical qualities, it is a truly complex +experience in which body, mind and soul all take their part. + +Physically its central fact is the ejaculation of the seminal fluid by +the male and its reception by the female, and this culmination with its +psychical concomitants is spoken of as the orgasm. Before coitus is +feasible, the organs designed for the purpose have to be brought into +an appropriate state for its consummation. The penis and the vulva are +alike furnished with erectile tissue. The penis has to be erected in +order to penetrate into the vagina, while the female organs add their +share in facilitating the act both by the erection of the tissue round +the vulva and by the outpouring of a lubricating secretion which bathes +all the parts. The mechanism of this is a nervous one, and its +originating cause while partly physical is chiefly mental, due to the +emotions aroused by love and courtship, and thus in every act of coitus +properly realized, an essential preliminary is an abbreviated +courtship. This initial stage has been described as the stage of +tumescence, and is succeeded by the introduction of the male organ into +the vagina. A motor nerve discharge follows which produces ejaculation +of the seminal fluid and is for the male the climax of the orgasm. The +female is, however, by no means passive; motor nerve discharges take +place leading to rhythmic contraction of the vagina, and she +experiences, or should experience, a similar orgasm to the male. The +climax is followed in both by a feeling of satisfaction and repose +which generally issues in refreshing sleep. It is to be noted, however, +that in the female the whole process is apt to be slower than in the +male. Her orgasm frequently coincides with the male, but often it comes +later. If this is not realized by her partner, and inconsiderate haste +be practiced, then, in place of satisfaction, a state of nervous +tension may remain, which is not only psychically deleterious, but, if +repeated, may lead to actual illness. + +I have spoken of the sex act as it should be, a fine and lofty +emotional experience of two people between whom is the bond of love. It +is true that in the female an entirely passive part is physiologically +possible, and it is also true that in the male, who is biologically the +hunting and pursuing animal, spontaneous desires arise from time to +time which are too often accorded a bodily and disharmonious +satisfaction. Disharmonious because it cannot be too strongly insisted +upon that the completely satisfactory realization of the sex act +involves the participation of every side of human nature, spiritual and +physical, and is the outcome of an intense desire for perfect unity +with the beloved. Hence mere bodily satisfaction of sensuous desire +must have a disharmonious and deteriorating effect, because it ignores +a basal fact of man, namely spirit, and leaves that side of him starved +and unsatisfied. And the same is true of all sexual aberrations and +perversions. Though they may seem at the moment to be unimportant, the +fact remains that they are sins against both the spirit and the flesh, +and are followed inexorably by their own punishment. + +It is argued by some that the sexual act should be restricted to +occasions, when there is a definite intention of begetting children. +This does not seem either reasonable or desirable. Nature's plans were +certainly, in the case of human beings, not constructed on that basis. +It would introduce an element of calculation and deliberation into what +is naturally a finely spontaneous thing, and it would put a quite +unnecessary, and in some cases, at least, a harmful, strain upon two +people. As Havelock Ellis has put it: "Even if sexual relationships had +no connection with procreation whatever, they would still be +justifiable, and are, indeed, an indispensable aid to the best moral +development of the individual; for it is only in so intimate a +relationship as that of sex that the finest graces and aptitudes of +life have full scope." This does not imply that married life does not +call for the exercise of self-restraint and continence, in this as in +other respects. + +Those who regard marital relations as an opportunity for unbridled +sexual indulgence are not likely to win success in an adventure of +considerable difficulty in which all that is fine in man or woman will +find full scope for development. But it does mean that sexual intimacy +has a value in itself as an expression in the terms of the body of the +love which unites husband and wife, and that, when duly controlled, it +leads to health and general harmony. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Men, Women, and God, by A. 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