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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8df33e9 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #65769 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/65769) diff --git a/old/65769-0.txt b/old/65769-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index efcda3f..0000000 --- a/old/65769-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,976 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook of Return Engagement, by Margaret St. Clair - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you -will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before -using this eBook. - -Title: Return Engagement - -Author: Margaret St. Clair - -Release Date: July 5, 2021 [eBook #65769] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -Produced by: Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online Distributed - Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - -*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK RETURN ENGAGEMENT *** - - - - - RETURN ENGAGEMENT - - By Margaret St. Clair - - The Earthman made the mistake of breaking - a law on the alien world. Naturally he had to - be chastised--in a manner to suit the aliens! - - [Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from - Imagination Stories of Science and Fantasy - January 1952 - Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that - the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.] - - -"The ingratitude of humans," McBream said broodingly, "is amazing. -Loan a Martian a couple of I.U.'s when he's in a spot, and he'll send -you greeting cards on the anniversary for the rest of his life. Fish -a terrestrial out of the water when he's drowning, and he sends you -a bill from the tailor for resurfacin' his suit. Passengers!" McBream -spat in the direction of the lucite cuspidor. - -I picked up the book from McBream's desk and examined it. It was -beautifully printed on outsize sheets of silky preemitex, and bound in -smooth, deep-garnet Vellumium. On the spine of the book, in shining -miraloy, ran the words, FARQUARSON'S ENCHIRIDION OF EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL -COOKERY. - -"This what you're so sore about?" I asked. - -"Sore?" McBream snorted. "Who's sore? Only petty, small-souled -individuals get sore at things. Me, I'm suffering from an attack of -righteous wrath. I'm not vindictive, but I hope Farquarson chokes over -one of his own recipes." - -"The name sounds familiar," I ventured. - -"It should be. Farquarson is culinary editor of _Pro Homine_, the -super-sharp magazine for men. You must have heard of him. That book -in your hand is supposed to be his masterpiece. Masterpiece!" McBream -snorted again. - -"It isn't as though he hadn't plenty of room for it," my friend -continued in an aggrieved tone after a silence. "The first ten pages -of the book are taken up with acknowledgments and expressions of -gratitude--you know, stuff like, 'My deep thanks, too, are due to -Logarithmia McCloy for her skillful and patient typing of this book's -manuscript.' And it's dedicated to his hexapod, Waldmeister Schnitzel -V. Luftraumzug, 'My six-legged friend and constant companion.' But -does he mention Joseph McBream, first mate of the _S. S. Tisiphone_, -anywhere in it? Just once? Just one single time? He does not. And yet, -if it hadn't been for me that book would never have been written." - -"Did you help him with the recipes?" I asked. - -"I did not," Joseph returned decisively. "I'm no greasy groon-slinger. -The recipes in the ENCHIRIDION--agh, what a flossy way to say -handbook--came out of Farquarson's own little head. No, I didn't help -him with the recipes. I only saved his life." - -"Tell me about it," I said. - - * * * * * - -"He got on the _Tisiphone_ at Marsport," Joseph McBream said, "with -a sky-blue hexapod, four robot porters to carry his luggage, and a -beautiful blonde secretary who couldn't spell even using phonemes. -About half his stateroom was taken up with cooking stuff. He had -pressure vats and tenderizers and relayed casseroles, more damned -junk than you ever saw outside a museum. He probably had a couple -of alembics and an athanor. It was all of it breakable, and the Old -Man told everyone on board to be careful of it. Farquarson was some -dynast's brother-in-law, and he didn't want to go offending him." - -"What was he like personally?" I queried. - -"Farquarson? Oh, dignified. God-awful dignified in a loose-jointed -intellectual sort of way. He always wore sports clothes and talked with -a sort of lazy drawl. His manners were beautiful. Everybody on board -hated him. - -"The first night out he got into a fracas with the cook about the -proper way of barbolizing bollo ribs. Marno, being half-Venusian, was a -sort of excitable gesell anyhow, and pretty soon we heard noises like -everything in the galley had been thrown on the deck and was being -jumped up and down upon. It practically was, too, and though of course -all that stuff is made of Fraxex, the bollo ribs got badly burned while -the discussion was going on. All we had for dinner that night was clear -soup, vigreen salad, and a sweet. - -"The second night out of Marsport Farquarson came to my cabin--Johnny -and I were bunking together then--and said he had a request to make. -He'd been told, he said, that 'spacies' (I wish you could have heard -him trying to use slang; it made you feel like there was a skin -growing over your teeth)--that 'spacies' had a special drink they, ah, -manufactured surreptitiously on certain occasions when they were in -space. Its name he, ah, believed, was jet juice. Did we know anything -about it? Could we furnish any information concerning it to him?" - - * * * * * - -McBream paused. His lips had drawn down in a sour grimace. It was -obvious that he had become absorbed in memories as unpleasant as a dose -of picrin would have been. - -"And did you?" I prompted. - -"To the everlasting discredit of our common sense, we did. Afterward, -when Johnny and I talked it over, we couldn't understand what had -got into us. It wasn't as though either of us liked him; and we -knew perfectly well how the Old Man felt about jet juice on board -his precious _Tisiphone_. We acted like a couple of girls from the -satellites all overcome by the glamorous lights of the big space port. -Farquarson must have hypnotized us with his fine emporium clothes and -his lazy drawl. An' the worst of it was, it was a wonderful batch of -juice. - -"I don't think I ever made a tastier. It had some bilial berries and -kono shoots in it I picked up in Aphrodition, and the usual assortment -of Martian fungi and grains. Just before we'd left Terra I'd had an -inspiration and I'd put in three mangosteens and a big piece of durian. -They were to give it body and depth. Then of course we revved the -mixture up with a bottle or two of soma and some cocla extract, and -put it away to stew in a dark corner of the hold in free flight, away -from the artigravs. It came out a kind of cloudy peach green, smooth as -satin and warm and deep and rich. It was a wonderful batch. - -"Johnny got a bottle from under his bunk, where he kept it inside his -depilitating kit, and poured Farquarson a drink. The old yap tasted it -and his eyebrows went up. 'Extraordinary!' said he. 'Ah--could I have -some more?' - -"From first to last he finished two and three-quarter bottles of the -drink. When he went to his little bed that night, he was floating up to -his ears. He kept talking about the deadly paididion that was following -him, and wanting Johnny to let him come to grips with it. - -"The next day the Old Man came down on us like a ton of osmium. He -called us up to the bridge and said things that--well, I'm not a young -man any more, but they made me feel like I was about fifteen, and -Johnny had tears in his eyes before he was done. Then he sent a couple -of crewmen into the hold and they smashed the carboy and poured out the -juice. One of them told me afterward that there were tears in _his_ -eyes, too. - -"It seems that that black-hearted ape, Farquarson, had woke up with the -hangover of the eon. Instead of taking his medicine like a little man, -he'd gone loping to the captain for 'remedial agents.' And then, of -course, the fat was frying merrily. - -"To do Denis (that was Farquarson's first name, Denis) justice, I don't -think he realized what he was letting us in for. The 'surreptitious' in -the speech he'd made us about jet juice hadn't really registered with -him. He probably thought the captain took a kind of 'spacies will be -spacies' attitude with us. - -"But Zinck fined us each two months' pay and ordered us confined to -quarters except for necessary duty until we hit the first of the -Rafts in the Ring. The confinement to quarters was all right, bein' -disciplinary, but the pay docking, being financial, shouldn't have -been imposed without a board meeting, an' we took it up with the -union. There was months and months of rowing, and at the end the board -affirmed Zinck's fine and slapped another month's penalty on us on its -own account." - -There was a dispirited silence. "About your saving his life...." I -murmured. - - * * * * * - -McBream brightened. Plainly I had touched on a more pleasant segment of -his recollections. The corners of his mouth, which had been austerely -turned downward, began to right themselves. "Oh, that," he said. - -"In order to know what happened, you got to know what the set-up was. -Farquarson had already 'coped with' the cookery of the terra-type -planets, and done what he could with the farther, bigger ones. It's -pretty hard to get chummy with the inhabitants of Jupiter, even if -their food was adapted to human digestions, and I notice Farquarson -has only three Jovian dishes in his book. But anyhow, he was finishing -up with the fringes, the cookery of the satellites, and he'd booked -passage on the _Tisiphone_ because we touched at so many of them. - -"Like I said, he was related to some dynast with a lot of tug, and the -Old Man, after checking with an inspector at Marsport, agreed to let -him have the use of the yellow life craft when he wanted it. It was -sort of against regulations, but not too much. - -"The craft's bein' yellow was important. Conformably to regulations, -all the _Tisiphone's_ life craft were painted in the psychological -primary colors, to make assigning personnel to them for evacuation -easier, and all of them carried two paint bombs to 'provide adequate -means for prompt renewal of said paint, pigment, enameloid, or tint.' -You want to keep your eye on those paint bombs, because they come into -the picture later on. - -"Well, Farquarson got along all right on the first couple or so -satellites. He didn't speak anything except terrestrial languages, -which was rather a handicap, and there never were any interpreters. -He laid the fact that he was sick as a dog three or four times from -things the natives gave him to eat, to difficulties of communication. -Myself, I thought somebody got annoyed with the trick he had of looking -down his nose and bleating 'Oh, rea-l-ly?' every few minutes, and -decided to take direct action. - -"Anyhow, he was still in pretty good condition when we got to Iapetus. -Iapetus is under a universal dome. The first day he spent mooching -around the port and buying things in native markets, but the next day -he asked for the life craft and started off by himself. We didn't think -he'd get into any trouble. He wasn't the soul of tact, of course, but -the Talipygians are usually a pretty mild bunch, good-tempered and fond -of a joke." - -"Talipygians?" I asked. - -"The secondary inhabitants of Iapetus. You can't photograph them -easily, because they're partly electrical energy, and they're -practically impossible to describe. They look like big maroon -hedgehogs, as much as anything, with erectile electric crests over -their heads, and lots of white sharp teeth. - - * * * * * - -"We were having supper on board the _Tisiphone_ when Sparks came in and -spoke to the Old Man. He'd happened to be running over the afternoon -wire on the reproducer, and he'd come across Farquarson's call for -help. The blasted idiot hadn't sent it in code, which would have -automatically set up alarm signals, he'd just yelled 'Help!' into -the 'phone a couple of times, and he hadn't even thought to give his -position when he did it. - -"Well, I got sent. In a way, it was a logical choice, because I knew -as much as anybody on board about the Talipygians. Extra-terrestrial -anthropology's always been a sort of hobby of mine. The beauteous -blonde secretary was having hysterics and the hexapod was howling -its head off in sympathy when I left. Just before I zoomed, Zinck -said something in a stern voice about expecting me to return with -Farquarson alive and in good condition, or he'd consider it a breach of -discipline. He knew I didn't like him. - -"I had a real devil of a time finding Denis. We get in the habit -of talking as if a planet were about the size of California, and a -satellite no bigger than an amusement park. Take it from me, that's -nothing but pure woola wash. A satellite the size of Iapetus seems -as big as Terra itself when you're hunting a small object on it, and -that life craft was only about five meters long. Iapetus has mountains -and rivers and woods and ravines and all sorts of stuff. I had object -detectors, of course, but Iapetus has lots of ore-bearing rocks, -and anyhow, detectors are of very little use unless you're near the -thing, and I had no idea where it was. I put in nearly fourteen hours -hunting before I found the craft, and even then it was just luck that I -stumbled on it. - -"It was down in a gully on the edge of some woods. Everything looked -peaceful and quiet, and Farquarson wasn't anywhere about. I hovered for -a while and thought it over, and then decided to land. - -"I had side arms, of course, but I wasn't planning on using them. For -one thing, Farquarson might just have turned his ankle and considered -it a catastrophe which warranted sending a call for help, and for -another, the Talipygians are protected by interplanetary law. They've -been classified as a 'non-humanoid species of limited intelligence,' -and that means that if you bother one of them all hell pops loose. -Quite right, too." Joseph's manner was solemn. "The non-human species -of the system are one of our greatest natural resources. - - * * * * * - -"But as I was saying, I decided to land. I came down easy on -quarter-jet, got out, and started toward the yellow life craft. I heard -a noise in the brush and turned to look. And the next thing I knew, -there I was inside the life craft with my head aching like I'd been -drinking eagle spit. - -"I figured out later that one of the Talipygians had knocked me out -with a discharge from his erectile electric crest. They hardly ever -do it, because it's a psychic drain on them, and I'd overlooked the -possibility of it. - -"Farquarson was inside the craft, looking dignified and distressed. His -hair was rumpled up and his nethers had completely lost their press. -'I'm glad you've come, McBream,' he said as soon as my eyelids began -flutterin'. 'Perhaps the two of us can contrive some way out of this -predicament.' - -"I sat up moaning and holding on to my head. It hurt so much my eyes -felt crossed. I could just make out, on the port side of the life -craft, a cooking pot with a mess of some reddish stuff in it. My side -arms, by the way, were gone. That's one of the things that makes me -wonder if that phrase 'limited intelligence' in the description of the -Talipygians is entirely justified. - -"Anyhow, I helped myself up by pulling on the back of the pilot's seat. -Farquarson watched me, his expression intellectual and lugubrious. -'What's been happening?' I asked. - -"He shook his head. 'I don't quite know,' he answered. 'I landed the -life craft in this spot, picked a quantity of an unknown deep red -fruit, and was just trying it out in a dish to which I thought it -would be suitable, when I discovered that I was surrounded by a number -of large purple animals. They looked threatening. I managed to call -'Help!' into the receiver, and then I was knocked unconscious. Stunned. - -"'When I recovered consciousness, I found that the craft had been -disabled and the means of communication were gone. The animals, -McBream, are still surrounding us.' - - * * * * * - -"I tottered over to a viewing port and looked out. What I saw made my -blood run cold. The Talipygians were bumping around the life craft in -a circle, sliding on their behinds the way they always do, and from -time to time one of them would rear up and sort of shake his crest. It -didn't look so alarming in itself, but as I said, I know a few things -about the Talipygians, and that dance or whatever you'd call it is the -thing a poetically minded anthropologist christened 'The Prelude to the -Sacrifice.' I told you the Talipygians had lots of teeth. - -"'I can't imagine why they attacked me,' Farquarson said in a querulous -voice. 'I was only engaging in cookery.' - -"I couldn't imagine, either. Usually all the Talipygians want is to -be left alone. Then I had a sudden wild idea. I stumbled over to the -cooking pot and looked in it. Heaven help us! Do you know what that -double-barreled fool of a Farquarson had selected to cook?" - -"No," I replied. - -"A bunch of Tomato Babies." - -McBream obviously expected me to be impressed with this piece of -information. I struggled with it for a time and then gave up. "I never -heard of them," I said. - -"Never _heard_ of them? What do they teach you kids on Terra nowadays? -Why, when I was going to school we had course after course in -extra-terrestrial subjects, and you couldn't graduate unless you got -at least a passing grade in Solar History. No wonder people are only -half-educated these days!" McBream sounded outraged. - -I had been thinking. "Wait, now," I said, "it seems to me I read a -piece in a digest about the Tomato Babies a couple of years ago. Yes, -I do remember. It was by a professor of Folklore in Ares City College, -and he said that the myth of the Tomato Baby proved that the folklore -theme of the external soul--you know, like the stories in Grimm about -the giants who can't be killed because their souls are in magical eggs -or crystals--that that theme was system-wide." - -McBream looked at me. "It isn't a myth," he said with a hint of -indignation, "it's perfectly true. The Folklorist who wrote that -article didn't know what he was talking about. The Tomato Babies are a -big red ovoid fruit that grows on floppy vines in a few odd places on -Iapetus. They're hollow inside, and the Talipygians put their souls in -them." - -"_Hunh?_" - - * * * * * - -"Well, more or less their souls. You remember I told you the -Talipygians were hard to photograph because they were partly electrical -energy. When one of them is sick or wounded, the others take his soul -out--the electrical part of him--and put it inside one of these fruits. -The Tomato Babies, as far as we can find out, are a sort of natural -Leyden jar. Or maybe more like a storage battery. Anyhow, the point is -that a sick Talipygian doesn't have to suffer for months and months -while he's getting well. His electrical component is popped into -one of these containers, and his body can devote itself quietly and -painlessly to the business of recovering." - -"And you mean Farquarson cooked--?" I asked, boggling. - -"Yes. Of course after the containers had been destroyed, the electrical -charge was lost. It wasn't quite as bad as murder, because the -Talipygians say that when their personal electrical charge is released, -it reshapes itself into a higher form; all the same, Farquarson had -wiped out twenty or thirty relatives and friends of the beings who were -bumping around outside the life craft in their sacrificial dance. When -the electrical charge is dissipated, the bodies wither away. No wonder -the Talipygians were sore. - -"I wobbled back to the viewing port and looked at them. I'd always -thought they were quiet, harmless creatures, for all their nearly human -size; now they seemed to be all teeth. I'd never realized before what -particularly vicious lower jaws they had. - -"The thing to do was to try to get into communications with them. Now, -I don't speak Talipygian. In my opinion, nobody does, though you'll -meet a few space rats who'll tell you they could write a grammar of it. -But the traders on Iapetus have worked out a system of conventionalized -signs, noises, and so on, for talking to the Talipygians, and it works -well enough most of the time. - -"I began trying to attract their attention, making burp noises and -wriggling my hands. For a long time they went on just as if they didn't -notice me. Then one of them, a faint shade bigger than the rest, left -the circle of bumpers and came and stood in front of me. His teeth were -bigger, too. (I say 'his' but it might have been 'her' or 'its'--all I -could really be sure of were the teeth.) - -"At first I tried to apologize and explain. The Talipygian listened for -a while and then made the noise that means 'No.' He wasn't interested. -Then I tried threatening. I told him there'd be space cruisers hunting -us, punitive expeditions, all that sort of thing. He didn't say -anything at all this time, but I had the impression he was bubbling -over with laughter inside. - - * * * * * - -"He was perfectly right, of course. Humanoid citizens of the system -are supposed to know their rights and liabilities in dealing with -non-humanoid species. If Farquarson had got into trouble with the -Talipygians, it was strictly his own lookout. Under the circumstances, -if they carved us up, all the government would do would be to send -regretful letters to the names in the 'whom to notify' spaces in -Farquarson's and my dossiers. - -"Bribery was the idea I got next. I turned my pockets out for trinkets -and attractive junk. I waved a hunk of fossilized edelweiss and one of -those 'Halmjin' crystal games that were so popular last year in his -face. No soap. - -"The Talipygian flapped his flippers, erected his crest, and said -'gunk' a couple of times. That meant, why bother? He'd get all of our -belongings anyhow after we were dead. - -"Finally I asked him what they were planning to do with us. Eat us, the -answer came back like a flash. Of course I'd known it before, but it -still was a little disconcertin'. I'm not quite sure, but I think he -said he was sorry I'd get eaten along with Farquarson. He couldn't help -it, though. - -"I went back inside the life craft and sat down to think. I was dead -tired from all the work I'd put in hunting for Farquarson earlier, -and my head still ached. And Farquarson kept dancing around me asking -idiotic questions and wringing his hands. - -"I pulled out of my mind all I'd ever heard about the Talipygian -character, and went over it. It wasn't much. They were said to have -mild, peaceable natures, lay eggs, engage in ritual dances now an' then -as a prelude to slaughtering the local animals, and be fond of a good -laugh. The mild and peaceful nature wasn't much in evidence just at -present; the eggs weren't relevant; _we_ were going to take the place -of the local animals in the sacrifice, and how did the sense of humor -help? I couldn't tell them funny stories in sign language, could I? - -"As far as that went, I'd only seen a Talipygian amused once. That was -when we were in port on Iapetus on the trip before. A fat Venusian -had been comin' down the steps of the Tashkent Import and Export -Exchange. He'd slipped on the top step and gone all the way down to the -bottom, touching only the third and eighteenth steps on the way. It -had been quite spectacular. Of course he'd had to go to the hospital -afterward and have five stitches taken, but the Talipygian couldn't -have known that at the time. Maybe it wouldn't have made any difference -if he _had_ known--I had a feeling that his people liked their humor -practical and rough. - -"Farquarson came up to where I was sitting with my head in my hands, -and nudged me. 'They're moving faster,' he said in a nervous tone. -'Those things on the tops of their heads are flashing more and more -frequently. Do you suppose it means anything?' - - * * * * * - -"I went over to the port fast, and looked. Just as I'd feared, it meant -all too much. Judging from the sign, the Talipygians were getting ready -to make ritual hash of us. - -"I tell you, I was desperate. Of course we could, and would, make a -rush for it, but there were forty or fifty of them to two of us; we -were unarmed, and each and every Talipygian could deliver a stunning -electric shock. I could feel my mind giving off loud clicks like a -Geiger counter near a rich source. What to do, what to do? Then my eyes -lit on the rack holding the bomb with the yellow paint. - -"Inside two minutes I had all the clothes off Farquarson except his -sliskin shorts. At first he was too surprised to complain, even though -he turned out to have a considerable paunch. But when I took the paint -bomb and began paintin' big bright daisies on his shoulders, back, and -tummy-tum, he started to heat up; and when he found out what my idea -was, he really did get talky and obstreperous. 'I won't do it,' he said -vigorously, 'I absolutely refuse. Not before these animals. Have you no -conception, McBream, of dignity? I'd rather--' he glanced out of the -port toward the toothy Talipygians and winced a little--'I'd rather be -dead.' - -"I tried to be reasonable with him. 'Listen, Denis,' I told him, 'it's -absolutely immaterial to me whether they eat you or not. In fact, I'm -all in favor of their cutting you up in little pieces for a mess of -shis-kebab. It would be the finest thing to happen to the System since -the discovery of Alpha-Omega power. Yet juicer!' (My feelin's overcame -me a little when I thought of all the trouble Farquarson had got me -in.) 'But if they eat you, they eat me too, for a side dish, and we -can't have that. On your way! Get!' I had to give him a push or two, -but he got." - -"A push?" I queried. Joseph's narrative was becoming interesting. - -"With my foot. It was all to the good, I think--it limbered him up. -Well, we went outside the life craft, hesitated a second or so, and -went into our dance. - -"I was prepared to do my part. I'd painted big yellow flowers all over -myself too, and I didn't mind how big a fool I looked, provided it -saved my life. But it was plain right from the start that Farquarson, -reluctant as he was, was the star of the show. The Talipygians hardly -noticed me. They stopped bumping almost immediately and clustered -around Denis with their crests popping off and on like space port -signal lights. - -"That guy really had talent. The idea of him writing a cook book with -a fancy title when he could perform like that! After he got started -he jumped up and down like one inspired, and once when he fell down, -probably accidentally, you could have heard the noise the Talipygians -made applaudin' with their flippers on the other side of Iapetus. -Funny! Why, he'd have made a fortune on the stereo. All he needed was a -little well-timed encouragement." - -"Encouragement?" I questioned. - - * * * * * - -Joseph cast down his eyes. "Well, you know," he said vaguely, -"things.... After a while the Talipygians themselves got the idea, an' -whenever Farquarson showed signs of slowin' down they shot long, slow, -low-voltage sparks out of their electric crests at him. One missed him -once and hit me instead; it was just like being stuck with a long, -sharp pin. - -"Pretty soon Farquarson got so warm the daisies on his tummy began -runnin'. The Talipygian chief gooped and guggled and geeked at me until -I got the idea and fetched the bomb and painted them on real bright -again. I had to renew his daisies three times before we got out of -there." - -McBream's expression was smug and self-satisfied. He looked like a -weetareete which, having finished a jug of bovula cream on one side of -a theo table, knows that there is another jug, equally full and equally -accessible, on the other side. - -"But what finally happened?" I asked. - -"Well, the blue and green life craft from the _Tisiphone_ came -after us. Zinck was on the blue one himself--he thought it was that -important. Farquarson was doin' splits and then jumpin' high up in the -air, almost to the dome, when they got there. The daisies on his tummy -were good and bright. - -"Zinck got out of the blue craft, trying hard to keep from smiling, -and presented his compliments to the head Talipygian. They glooped -and gunked for a minute or two, an' then any remainin' signs of a -smile disappeared from Zinck's face. For the trouble was this. The -Talipygians didn't want to let Farquarson go. - -"The conversation went something like this: Zinck: 'Gloop. Wheepie. -Geet.' Intricate wiggle of hands. - -"Talipygian: 'Nee. Neeeeee.' - -"Farquarson: 'What is happening, McBream?' - -"Me: 'Be quiet.' - -"Zinck: 'Gleeed! Damn it, Gleeed!' (turning to us) 'They say they're -going to hold him as recompense for all their relatives he murdered.' - -"Farquarson: 'It was purely an accident!' - -"Zinck: (sourly) 'You should have been more careful, Mr. Farquarson, -really you should--'Gleep. Wheepies. Blee.' - -"The upshot of the matter was that Zinck negotiated a contract with the -Talipygians. They agreed to release Denis on condition--" here McBream -seemed to be smacking his lips--"on condition that he return on the -same date each year and perform for them. His costume, it was expressly -stipulated, was to be the same, includin' the daisies. - -"Farquarson didn't cut up as rough about the terms of the contract as -I'd expected him to. I think he had the idea that a contract between -a human an' a non-humanoid species wouldn't be legally binding. But -when we got back on the _Tisiphone_, Zinck explained to him that such -contracts are always made between the human on the one hand and the -Interplanetary Government, acting for the non-humanoid species, on the -other. Bindin'! It was more bindin' than a barrel full of nuclear-bond -glue." - -"And does he--?" I murmured after a silence. - -"Yes, every year. He'll be leaving for Iapetus day after tomorrow for -his annual pilgrimage. He always gets a lot of bon voyage gifts. Funny, -isn't it? He begged Zinck and me--especially me--to keep the terms of -the contract quiet, and Zinck said he would. But like I said Farquarson -always gets a lot of bon voyage gifts and--isn't it odd?--they're -always flowers. Baskets and baskets and baskets of daisy flowers." - -The corners of McBream's mouth, which had been somewhat elevated, began -to turn down again. "But isn't it ungrateful?" he said indignantly. -"After I saved his life and all that! Wouldn't you think mere -elementary decency would have made him mention me in his book?" - -"H'um," I said. - -*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK RETURN ENGAGEMENT *** - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the -United States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online -at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you -are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the -country where you are located before using this eBook. -</div> - -<p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: Return Engagement</p> - -<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: Margaret St. Clair</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: July 5, 2021 [eBook #65769]</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Character set encoding: UTF-8</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Produced by: Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net</div> - -<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK RETURN ENGAGEMENT ***</div> - -<div class="titlepage"> - -<h1>RETURN ENGAGEMENT</h1> - -<h2>By Margaret St. Clair</h2> - -<p>The Earthman made the mistake of breaking<br /> -a law on the alien world. Naturally he had to<br /> -be chastised—in a manner to suit the aliens!</p> - -<p>[Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from<br /> -Imagination Stories of Science and Fantasy<br /> -January 1952<br /> -Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that<br /> -the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.]</p> - -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p>"The ingratitude of humans," McBream said broodingly, "is amazing. -Loan a Martian a couple of I.U.'s when he's in a spot, and he'll send -you greeting cards on the anniversary for the rest of his life. Fish -a terrestrial out of the water when he's drowning, and he sends you -a bill from the tailor for resurfacin' his suit. Passengers!" McBream -spat in the direction of the lucite cuspidor.</p> - -<p>I picked up the book from McBream's desk and examined it. It was -beautifully printed on outsize sheets of silky preemitex, and bound in -smooth, deep-garnet Vellumium. On the spine of the book, in shining -miraloy, ran the words, FARQUARSON'S ENCHIRIDION OF EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL -COOKERY.</p> - -<p>"This what you're so sore about?" I asked.</p> - -<p>"Sore?" McBream snorted. "Who's sore? Only petty, small-souled -individuals get sore at things. Me, I'm suffering from an attack of -righteous wrath. I'm not vindictive, but I hope Farquarson chokes over -one of his own recipes."</p> - -<p>"The name sounds familiar," I ventured.</p> - -<p>"It should be. Farquarson is culinary editor of <i>Pro Homine</i>, the -super-sharp magazine for men. You must have heard of him. That book -in your hand is supposed to be his masterpiece. Masterpiece!" McBream -snorted again.</p> - -<p>"It isn't as though he hadn't plenty of room for it," my friend -continued in an aggrieved tone after a silence. "The first ten pages -of the book are taken up with acknowledgments and expressions of -gratitude—you know, stuff like, 'My deep thanks, too, are due to -Logarithmia McCloy for her skillful and patient typing of this book's -manuscript.' And it's dedicated to his hexapod, Waldmeister Schnitzel -V. Luftraumzug, 'My six-legged friend and constant companion.' But -does he mention Joseph McBream, first mate of the <i>S. S. Tisiphone</i>, -anywhere in it? Just once? Just one single time? He does not. And yet, -if it hadn't been for me that book would never have been written."</p> - -<p>"Did you help him with the recipes?" I asked.</p> - -<p>"I did not," Joseph returned decisively. "I'm no greasy groon-slinger. -The recipes in the ENCHIRIDION—agh, what a flossy way to say -handbook—came out of Farquarson's own little head. No, I didn't help -him with the recipes. I only saved his life."</p> - -<p>"Tell me about it," I said.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>"He got on the <i>Tisiphone</i> at Marsport," Joseph McBream said, "with -a sky-blue hexapod, four robot porters to carry his luggage, and a -beautiful blonde secretary who couldn't spell even using phonemes. -About half his stateroom was taken up with cooking stuff. He had -pressure vats and tenderizers and relayed casseroles, more damned -junk than you ever saw outside a museum. He probably had a couple -of alembics and an athanor. It was all of it breakable, and the Old -Man told everyone on board to be careful of it. Farquarson was some -dynast's brother-in-law, and he didn't want to go offending him."</p> - -<p>"What was he like personally?" I queried.</p> - -<p>"Farquarson? Oh, dignified. God-awful dignified in a loose-jointed -intellectual sort of way. He always wore sports clothes and talked with -a sort of lazy drawl. His manners were beautiful. Everybody on board -hated him.</p> - -<p>"The first night out he got into a fracas with the cook about the -proper way of barbolizing bollo ribs. Marno, being half-Venusian, was a -sort of excitable gesell anyhow, and pretty soon we heard noises like -everything in the galley had been thrown on the deck and was being -jumped up and down upon. It practically was, too, and though of course -all that stuff is made of Fraxex, the bollo ribs got badly burned while -the discussion was going on. All we had for dinner that night was clear -soup, vigreen salad, and a sweet.</p> - -<p>"The second night out of Marsport Farquarson came to my cabin—Johnny -and I were bunking together then—and said he had a request to make. -He'd been told, he said, that 'spacies' (I wish you could have heard -him trying to use slang; it made you feel like there was a skin -growing over your teeth)—that 'spacies' had a special drink they, ah, -manufactured surreptitiously on certain occasions when they were in -space. Its name he, ah, believed, was jet juice. Did we know anything -about it? Could we furnish any information concerning it to him?"</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>McBream paused. His lips had drawn down in a sour grimace. It was -obvious that he had become absorbed in memories as unpleasant as a dose -of picrin would have been.</p> - -<p>"And did you?" I prompted.</p> - -<p>"To the everlasting discredit of our common sense, we did. Afterward, -when Johnny and I talked it over, we couldn't understand what had -got into us. It wasn't as though either of us liked him; and we -knew perfectly well how the Old Man felt about jet juice on board -his precious <i>Tisiphone</i>. We acted like a couple of girls from the -satellites all overcome by the glamorous lights of the big space port. -Farquarson must have hypnotized us with his fine emporium clothes and -his lazy drawl. An' the worst of it was, it was a wonderful batch of -juice.</p> - -<p>"I don't think I ever made a tastier. It had some bilial berries and -kono shoots in it I picked up in Aphrodition, and the usual assortment -of Martian fungi and grains. Just before we'd left Terra I'd had an -inspiration and I'd put in three mangosteens and a big piece of durian. -They were to give it body and depth. Then of course we revved the -mixture up with a bottle or two of soma and some cocla extract, and -put it away to stew in a dark corner of the hold in free flight, away -from the artigravs. It came out a kind of cloudy peach green, smooth as -satin and warm and deep and rich. It was a wonderful batch.</p> - -<p>"Johnny got a bottle from under his bunk, where he kept it inside his -depilitating kit, and poured Farquarson a drink. The old yap tasted it -and his eyebrows went up. 'Extraordinary!' said he. 'Ah—could I have -some more?'</p> - -<p>"From first to last he finished two and three-quarter bottles of the -drink. When he went to his little bed that night, he was floating up to -his ears. He kept talking about the deadly paididion that was following -him, and wanting Johnny to let him come to grips with it.</p> - -<p>"The next day the Old Man came down on us like a ton of osmium. He -called us up to the bridge and said things that—well, I'm not a young -man any more, but they made me feel like I was about fifteen, and -Johnny had tears in his eyes before he was done. Then he sent a couple -of crewmen into the hold and they smashed the carboy and poured out the -juice. One of them told me afterward that there were tears in <i>his</i> -eyes, too.</p> - -<p>"It seems that that black-hearted ape, Farquarson, had woke up with the -hangover of the eon. Instead of taking his medicine like a little man, -he'd gone loping to the captain for 'remedial agents.' And then, of -course, the fat was frying merrily.</p> - -<p>"To do Denis (that was Farquarson's first name, Denis) justice, I don't -think he realized what he was letting us in for. The 'surreptitious' in -the speech he'd made us about jet juice hadn't really registered with -him. He probably thought the captain took a kind of 'spacies will be -spacies' attitude with us.</p> - -<p>"But Zinck fined us each two months' pay and ordered us confined to -quarters except for necessary duty until we hit the first of the -Rafts in the Ring. The confinement to quarters was all right, bein' -disciplinary, but the pay docking, being financial, shouldn't have -been imposed without a board meeting, an' we took it up with the -union. There was months and months of rowing, and at the end the board -affirmed Zinck's fine and slapped another month's penalty on us on its -own account."</p> - -<p>There was a dispirited silence. "About your saving his life...." I -murmured.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>McBream brightened. Plainly I had touched on a more pleasant segment of -his recollections. The corners of his mouth, which had been austerely -turned downward, began to right themselves. "Oh, that," he said.</p> - -<p>"In order to know what happened, you got to know what the set-up was. -Farquarson had already 'coped with' the cookery of the terra-type -planets, and done what he could with the farther, bigger ones. It's -pretty hard to get chummy with the inhabitants of Jupiter, even if -their food was adapted to human digestions, and I notice Farquarson -has only three Jovian dishes in his book. But anyhow, he was finishing -up with the fringes, the cookery of the satellites, and he'd booked -passage on the <i>Tisiphone</i> because we touched at so many of them.</p> - -<p>"Like I said, he was related to some dynast with a lot of tug, and the -Old Man, after checking with an inspector at Marsport, agreed to let -him have the use of the yellow life craft when he wanted it. It was -sort of against regulations, but not too much.</p> - -<p>"The craft's bein' yellow was important. Conformably to regulations, -all the <i>Tisiphone's</i> life craft were painted in the psychological -primary colors, to make assigning personnel to them for evacuation -easier, and all of them carried two paint bombs to 'provide adequate -means for prompt renewal of said paint, pigment, enameloid, or tint.' -You want to keep your eye on those paint bombs, because they come into -the picture later on.</p> - -<p>"Well, Farquarson got along all right on the first couple or so -satellites. He didn't speak anything except terrestrial languages, -which was rather a handicap, and there never were any interpreters. -He laid the fact that he was sick as a dog three or four times from -things the natives gave him to eat, to difficulties of communication. -Myself, I thought somebody got annoyed with the trick he had of looking -down his nose and bleating 'Oh, rea-l-ly?' every few minutes, and -decided to take direct action.</p> - -<p>"Anyhow, he was still in pretty good condition when we got to Iapetus. -Iapetus is under a universal dome. The first day he spent mooching -around the port and buying things in native markets, but the next day -he asked for the life craft and started off by himself. We didn't think -he'd get into any trouble. He wasn't the soul of tact, of course, but -the Talipygians are usually a pretty mild bunch, good-tempered and fond -of a joke."</p> - -<p>"Talipygians?" I asked.</p> - -<p>"The secondary inhabitants of Iapetus. You can't photograph them -easily, because they're partly electrical energy, and they're -practically impossible to describe. They look like big maroon -hedgehogs, as much as anything, with erectile electric crests over -their heads, and lots of white sharp teeth.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>"We were having supper on board the <i>Tisiphone</i> when Sparks came in and -spoke to the Old Man. He'd happened to be running over the afternoon -wire on the reproducer, and he'd come across Farquarson's call for -help. The blasted idiot hadn't sent it in code, which would have -automatically set up alarm signals, he'd just yelled 'Help!' into -the 'phone a couple of times, and he hadn't even thought to give his -position when he did it.</p> - -<p>"Well, I got sent. In a way, it was a logical choice, because I knew -as much as anybody on board about the Talipygians. Extra-terrestrial -anthropology's always been a sort of hobby of mine. The beauteous -blonde secretary was having hysterics and the hexapod was howling -its head off in sympathy when I left. Just before I zoomed, Zinck -said something in a stern voice about expecting me to return with -Farquarson alive and in good condition, or he'd consider it a breach of -discipline. He knew I didn't like him.</p> - -<p>"I had a real devil of a time finding Denis. We get in the habit -of talking as if a planet were about the size of California, and a -satellite no bigger than an amusement park. Take it from me, that's -nothing but pure woola wash. A satellite the size of Iapetus seems -as big as Terra itself when you're hunting a small object on it, and -that life craft was only about five meters long. Iapetus has mountains -and rivers and woods and ravines and all sorts of stuff. I had object -detectors, of course, but Iapetus has lots of ore-bearing rocks, -and anyhow, detectors are of very little use unless you're near the -thing, and I had no idea where it was. I put in nearly fourteen hours -hunting before I found the craft, and even then it was just luck that I -stumbled on it.</p> - -<p>"It was down in a gully on the edge of some woods. Everything looked -peaceful and quiet, and Farquarson wasn't anywhere about. I hovered for -a while and thought it over, and then decided to land.</p> - -<p>"I had side arms, of course, but I wasn't planning on using them. For -one thing, Farquarson might just have turned his ankle and considered -it a catastrophe which warranted sending a call for help, and for -another, the Talipygians are protected by interplanetary law. They've -been classified as a 'non-humanoid species of limited intelligence,' -and that means that if you bother one of them all hell pops loose. -Quite right, too." Joseph's manner was solemn. "The non-human species -of the system are one of our greatest natural resources.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>"But as I was saying, I decided to land. I came down easy on -quarter-jet, got out, and started toward the yellow life craft. I heard -a noise in the brush and turned to look. And the next thing I knew, -there I was inside the life craft with my head aching like I'd been -drinking eagle spit.</p> - -<p>"I figured out later that one of the Talipygians had knocked me out -with a discharge from his erectile electric crest. They hardly ever -do it, because it's a psychic drain on them, and I'd overlooked the -possibility of it.</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<div class="figcenter"> - <img src="images/illus.jpg" alt=""/> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p>"Farquarson was inside the craft, looking dignified and distressed. His -hair was rumpled up and his nethers had completely lost their press. -'I'm glad you've come, McBream,' he said as soon as my eyelids began -flutterin'. 'Perhaps the two of us can contrive some way out of this -predicament.'</p> - -<p>"I sat up moaning and holding on to my head. It hurt so much my eyes -felt crossed. I could just make out, on the port side of the life -craft, a cooking pot with a mess of some reddish stuff in it. My side -arms, by the way, were gone. That's one of the things that makes me -wonder if that phrase 'limited intelligence' in the description of the -Talipygians is entirely justified.</p> - -<p>"Anyhow, I helped myself up by pulling on the back of the pilot's seat. -Farquarson watched me, his expression intellectual and lugubrious. -'What's been happening?' I asked.</p> - -<p>"He shook his head. 'I don't quite know,' he answered. 'I landed the -life craft in this spot, picked a quantity of an unknown deep red -fruit, and was just trying it out in a dish to which I thought it -would be suitable, when I discovered that I was surrounded by a number -of large purple animals. They looked threatening. I managed to call -'Help!' into the receiver, and then I was knocked unconscious. Stunned.</p> - -<p>"'When I recovered consciousness, I found that the craft had been -disabled and the means of communication were gone. The animals, -McBream, are still surrounding us.'</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>"I tottered over to a viewing port and looked out. What I saw made my -blood run cold. The Talipygians were bumping around the life craft in -a circle, sliding on their behinds the way they always do, and from -time to time one of them would rear up and sort of shake his crest. It -didn't look so alarming in itself, but as I said, I know a few things -about the Talipygians, and that dance or whatever you'd call it is the -thing a poetically minded anthropologist christened 'The Prelude to the -Sacrifice.' I told you the Talipygians had lots of teeth.</p> - -<p>"'I can't imagine why they attacked me,' Farquarson said in a querulous -voice. 'I was only engaging in cookery.'</p> - -<p>"I couldn't imagine, either. Usually all the Talipygians want is to -be left alone. Then I had a sudden wild idea. I stumbled over to the -cooking pot and looked in it. Heaven help us! Do you know what that -double-barreled fool of a Farquarson had selected to cook?"</p> - -<p>"No," I replied.</p> - -<p>"A bunch of Tomato Babies."</p> - -<p>McBream obviously expected me to be impressed with this piece of -information. I struggled with it for a time and then gave up. "I never -heard of them," I said.</p> - -<p>"Never <i>heard</i> of them? What do they teach you kids on Terra nowadays? -Why, when I was going to school we had course after course in -extra-terrestrial subjects, and you couldn't graduate unless you got -at least a passing grade in Solar History. No wonder people are only -half-educated these days!" McBream sounded outraged.</p> - -<p>I had been thinking. "Wait, now," I said, "it seems to me I read a -piece in a digest about the Tomato Babies a couple of years ago. Yes, -I do remember. It was by a professor of Folklore in Ares City College, -and he said that the myth of the Tomato Baby proved that the folklore -theme of the external soul—you know, like the stories in Grimm about -the giants who can't be killed because their souls are in magical eggs -or crystals—that that theme was system-wide."</p> - -<p>McBream looked at me. "It isn't a myth," he said with a hint of -indignation, "it's perfectly true. The Folklorist who wrote that -article didn't know what he was talking about. The Tomato Babies are a -big red ovoid fruit that grows on floppy vines in a few odd places on -Iapetus. They're hollow inside, and the Talipygians put their souls in -them."</p> - -<p>"<i>Hunh?</i>"</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>"Well, more or less their souls. You remember I told you the -Talipygians were hard to photograph because they were partly electrical -energy. When one of them is sick or wounded, the others take his soul -out—the electrical part of him—and put it inside one of these fruits. -The Tomato Babies, as far as we can find out, are a sort of natural -Leyden jar. Or maybe more like a storage battery. Anyhow, the point is -that a sick Talipygian doesn't have to suffer for months and months -while he's getting well. His electrical component is popped into -one of these containers, and his body can devote itself quietly and -painlessly to the business of recovering."</p> - -<p>"And you mean Farquarson cooked—?" I asked, boggling.</p> - -<p>"Yes. Of course after the containers had been destroyed, the electrical -charge was lost. It wasn't quite as bad as murder, because the -Talipygians say that when their personal electrical charge is released, -it reshapes itself into a higher form; all the same, Farquarson had -wiped out twenty or thirty relatives and friends of the beings who were -bumping around outside the life craft in their sacrificial dance. When -the electrical charge is dissipated, the bodies wither away. No wonder -the Talipygians were sore.</p> - -<p>"I wobbled back to the viewing port and looked at them. I'd always -thought they were quiet, harmless creatures, for all their nearly human -size; now they seemed to be all teeth. I'd never realized before what -particularly vicious lower jaws they had.</p> - -<p>"The thing to do was to try to get into communications with them. Now, -I don't speak Talipygian. In my opinion, nobody does, though you'll -meet a few space rats who'll tell you they could write a grammar of it. -But the traders on Iapetus have worked out a system of conventionalized -signs, noises, and so on, for talking to the Talipygians, and it works -well enough most of the time.</p> - -<p>"I began trying to attract their attention, making burp noises and -wriggling my hands. For a long time they went on just as if they didn't -notice me. Then one of them, a faint shade bigger than the rest, left -the circle of bumpers and came and stood in front of me. His teeth were -bigger, too. (I say 'his' but it might have been 'her' or 'its'—all I -could really be sure of were the teeth.)</p> - -<p>"At first I tried to apologize and explain. The Talipygian listened for -a while and then made the noise that means 'No.' He wasn't interested. -Then I tried threatening. I told him there'd be space cruisers hunting -us, punitive expeditions, all that sort of thing. He didn't say -anything at all this time, but I had the impression he was bubbling -over with laughter inside.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>"He was perfectly right, of course. Humanoid citizens of the system -are supposed to know their rights and liabilities in dealing with -non-humanoid species. If Farquarson had got into trouble with the -Talipygians, it was strictly his own lookout. Under the circumstances, -if they carved us up, all the government would do would be to send -regretful letters to the names in the 'whom to notify' spaces in -Farquarson's and my dossiers.</p> - -<p>"Bribery was the idea I got next. I turned my pockets out for trinkets -and attractive junk. I waved a hunk of fossilized edelweiss and one of -those 'Halmjin' crystal games that were so popular last year in his -face. No soap.</p> - -<p>"The Talipygian flapped his flippers, erected his crest, and said -'gunk' a couple of times. That meant, why bother? He'd get all of our -belongings anyhow after we were dead.</p> - -<p>"Finally I asked him what they were planning to do with us. Eat us, the -answer came back like a flash. Of course I'd known it before, but it -still was a little disconcertin'. I'm not quite sure, but I think he -said he was sorry I'd get eaten along with Farquarson. He couldn't help -it, though.</p> - -<p>"I went back inside the life craft and sat down to think. I was dead -tired from all the work I'd put in hunting for Farquarson earlier, -and my head still ached. And Farquarson kept dancing around me asking -idiotic questions and wringing his hands.</p> - -<p>"I pulled out of my mind all I'd ever heard about the Talipygian -character, and went over it. It wasn't much. They were said to have -mild, peaceable natures, lay eggs, engage in ritual dances now an' then -as a prelude to slaughtering the local animals, and be fond of a good -laugh. The mild and peaceful nature wasn't much in evidence just at -present; the eggs weren't relevant; <i>we</i> were going to take the place -of the local animals in the sacrifice, and how did the sense of humor -help? I couldn't tell them funny stories in sign language, could I?</p> - -<p>"As far as that went, I'd only seen a Talipygian amused once. That was -when we were in port on Iapetus on the trip before. A fat Venusian -had been comin' down the steps of the Tashkent Import and Export -Exchange. He'd slipped on the top step and gone all the way down to the -bottom, touching only the third and eighteenth steps on the way. It -had been quite spectacular. Of course he'd had to go to the hospital -afterward and have five stitches taken, but the Talipygian couldn't -have known that at the time. Maybe it wouldn't have made any difference -if he <i>had</i> known—I had a feeling that his people liked their humor -practical and rough.</p> - -<p>"Farquarson came up to where I was sitting with my head in my hands, -and nudged me. 'They're moving faster,' he said in a nervous tone. -'Those things on the tops of their heads are flashing more and more -frequently. Do you suppose it means anything?'</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>"I went over to the port fast, and looked. Just as I'd feared, it meant -all too much. Judging from the sign, the Talipygians were getting ready -to make ritual hash of us.</p> - -<p>"I tell you, I was desperate. Of course we could, and would, make a -rush for it, but there were forty or fifty of them to two of us; we -were unarmed, and each and every Talipygian could deliver a stunning -electric shock. I could feel my mind giving off loud clicks like a -Geiger counter near a rich source. What to do, what to do? Then my eyes -lit on the rack holding the bomb with the yellow paint.</p> - -<p>"Inside two minutes I had all the clothes off Farquarson except his -sliskin shorts. At first he was too surprised to complain, even though -he turned out to have a considerable paunch. But when I took the paint -bomb and began paintin' big bright daisies on his shoulders, back, and -tummy-tum, he started to heat up; and when he found out what my idea -was, he really did get talky and obstreperous. 'I won't do it,' he said -vigorously, 'I absolutely refuse. Not before these animals. Have you no -conception, McBream, of dignity? I'd rather—' he glanced out of the -port toward the toothy Talipygians and winced a little—'I'd rather be -dead.'</p> - -<p>"I tried to be reasonable with him. 'Listen, Denis,' I told him, 'it's -absolutely immaterial to me whether they eat you or not. In fact, I'm -all in favor of their cutting you up in little pieces for a mess of -shis-kebab. It would be the finest thing to happen to the System since -the discovery of Alpha-Omega power. Yet juicer!' (My feelin's overcame -me a little when I thought of all the trouble Farquarson had got me -in.) 'But if they eat you, they eat me too, for a side dish, and we -can't have that. On your way! Get!' I had to give him a push or two, -but he got."</p> - -<p>"A push?" I queried. Joseph's narrative was becoming interesting.</p> - -<p>"With my foot. It was all to the good, I think—it limbered him up. -Well, we went outside the life craft, hesitated a second or so, and -went into our dance.</p> - -<p>"I was prepared to do my part. I'd painted big yellow flowers all over -myself too, and I didn't mind how big a fool I looked, provided it -saved my life. But it was plain right from the start that Farquarson, -reluctant as he was, was the star of the show. The Talipygians hardly -noticed me. They stopped bumping almost immediately and clustered -around Denis with their crests popping off and on like space port -signal lights.</p> - -<p>"That guy really had talent. The idea of him writing a cook book with -a fancy title when he could perform like that! After he got started -he jumped up and down like one inspired, and once when he fell down, -probably accidentally, you could have heard the noise the Talipygians -made applaudin' with their flippers on the other side of Iapetus. -Funny! Why, he'd have made a fortune on the stereo. All he needed was a -little well-timed encouragement."</p> - -<p>"Encouragement?" I questioned.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Joseph cast down his eyes. "Well, you know," he said vaguely, -"things.... After a while the Talipygians themselves got the idea, an' -whenever Farquarson showed signs of slowin' down they shot long, slow, -low-voltage sparks out of their electric crests at him. One missed him -once and hit me instead; it was just like being stuck with a long, -sharp pin.</p> - -<p>"Pretty soon Farquarson got so warm the daisies on his tummy began -runnin'. The Talipygian chief gooped and guggled and geeked at me until -I got the idea and fetched the bomb and painted them on real bright -again. I had to renew his daisies three times before we got out of -there."</p> - -<p>McBream's expression was smug and self-satisfied. He looked like a -weetareete which, having finished a jug of bovula cream on one side of -a theo table, knows that there is another jug, equally full and equally -accessible, on the other side.</p> - -<p>"But what finally happened?" I asked.</p> - -<p>"Well, the blue and green life craft from the <i>Tisiphone</i> came -after us. Zinck was on the blue one himself—he thought it was that -important. Farquarson was doin' splits and then jumpin' high up in the -air, almost to the dome, when they got there. The daisies on his tummy -were good and bright.</p> - -<p>"Zinck got out of the blue craft, trying hard to keep from smiling, -and presented his compliments to the head Talipygian. They glooped -and gunked for a minute or two, an' then any remainin' signs of a -smile disappeared from Zinck's face. For the trouble was this. The -Talipygians didn't want to let Farquarson go.</p> - -<p>"The conversation went something like this: Zinck: 'Gloop. Wheepie. -Geet.' Intricate wiggle of hands.</p> - -<p>"Talipygian: 'Nee. Neeeeee.'</p> - -<p>"Farquarson: 'What is happening, McBream?'</p> - -<p>"Me: 'Be quiet.'</p> - -<p>"Zinck: 'Gleeed! Damn it, Gleeed!' (turning to us) 'They say they're -going to hold him as recompense for all their relatives he murdered.'</p> - -<p>"Farquarson: 'It was purely an accident!'</p> - -<p>"Zinck: (sourly) 'You should have been more careful, Mr. Farquarson, -really you should—'Gleep. Wheepies. Blee.'</p> - -<p>"The upshot of the matter was that Zinck negotiated a contract with the -Talipygians. They agreed to release Denis on condition—" here McBream -seemed to be smacking his lips—"on condition that he return on the -same date each year and perform for them. His costume, it was expressly -stipulated, was to be the same, includin' the daisies.</p> - -<p>"Farquarson didn't cut up as rough about the terms of the contract as -I'd expected him to. I think he had the idea that a contract between -a human an' a non-humanoid species wouldn't be legally binding. But -when we got back on the <i>Tisiphone</i>, Zinck explained to him that such -contracts are always made between the human on the one hand and the -Interplanetary Government, acting for the non-humanoid species, on the -other. Bindin'! It was more bindin' than a barrel full of nuclear-bond -glue."</p> - -<p>"And does he—?" I murmured after a silence.</p> - -<p>"Yes, every year. He'll be leaving for Iapetus day after tomorrow for -his annual pilgrimage. He always gets a lot of bon voyage gifts. Funny, -isn't it? He begged Zinck and me—especially me—to keep the terms of -the contract quiet, and Zinck said he would. But like I said Farquarson -always gets a lot of bon voyage gifts and—isn't it odd?—they're -always flowers. Baskets and baskets and baskets of daisy flowers."</p> - -<p>The corners of McBream's mouth, which had been somewhat elevated, began -to turn down again. "But isn't it ungrateful?" he said indignantly. -"After I saved his life and all that! Wouldn't you think mere -elementary decency would have made him mention me in his book?"</p> - -<p>"H'um," I said.</p> - -<div style='display:block; margin-top:4em'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK RETURN ENGAGEMENT ***</div> -<div style='text-align:left'> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will -be renamed. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part -of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project -Gutenberg™ electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG™ -concept and trademark. 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