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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c10002b --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #63812 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/63812) diff --git a/old/63812-h.zip b/old/63812-h.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index d20ca8b..0000000 --- a/old/63812-h.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/63812-h/63812-h.htm b/old/63812-h/63812-h.htm deleted file mode 100644 index e255b59..0000000 --- a/old/63812-h/63812-h.htm +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1625 +0,0 @@ -<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" - "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> -<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> - <head> - <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=us-ascii" /> - <meta http-equiv="Content-Style-Type" content="text/css" /> - <title> - The Project Gutenberg eBook of Grandma Perkins and the Space Pirates, by James Mcconnell. - </title> - <link rel="coverpage" href="images/cover.jpg" /> - - <style type="text/css"> - -body { - margin-left: 10%; - margin-right: 10%; -} - - h1,h2 { - text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ - clear: both; -} - -p { - margin-top: .51em; - text-align: justify; - margin-bottom: .49em; -} - -hr { - width: 33%; - margin-top: 2em; - margin-bottom: 2em; - margin-left: 33.5%; - margin-right: 33.5%; - clear: both; -} - -hr.chap {width: 65%; margin-left: 17.5%; margin-right: 17.5%;} -hr.tb {width: 45%; margin-left: 27.5%; margin-right: 27.5%;} - -.center {text-align: center;} - -.right {text-align: right;} - -/* Images */ -.figcenter { - margin: auto; - text-align: center; -} - -div.titlepage { - text-align: center; - page-break-before: always; - page-break-after: always; -} - -div.titlepage p { - text-align: center; - text-indent: 0em; - font-weight: bold; - line-height: 1.5; - margin-top: 3em; -} - -.ph1 { text-align: center; text-indent: 0em; } -.ph1 { font-size: medium; margin: .83em auto; } - - </style> - </head> -<body> - - -<pre> - -Project Gutenberg's Grandma Perkins and the Space Pirates, by James McConnell - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Grandma Perkins and the Space Pirates - -Author: James McConnell - -Release Date: November 19, 2020 [EBook #63812] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GRANDMA PERKINS AND THE SPACE PIRATES *** - - - - -Produced by Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - -</pre> - - -<div class="figcenter"> - <img src="images/illus.jpg" alt=""/> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<div class="titlepage"> -<h1>GRANDMA PERKINS AND THE SPACE PIRATES</h1> - -<h2>By JAMES McCONNELL</h2> - -<p><i>Raven-haired, seductive Darling Toujours'<br /> -smoke-and-flame eyes kindled sparks in hearts<br /> -all over the universe. But it took sweet old<br /> -Grandma Perkins, of the pirate ship</i> Dirty<br /> -Shame, <i>to set the Jupiter moons on fire</i>.</p> - -<p>[Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from<br /> -Planet Stories March 1954.<br /> -Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that<br /> -the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.]</p> - -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p>"I can always get along with a man if he remembers who he is," said -Darling Toujours, the raven-haired, creamy-skinned televideo actress -whose smoke-and-flame eyes lit fires in hearts all over the solar -system. She was credited with being the most beautiful woman alive and -there were few who dared to contradict her when she mentioned it.</p> - -<p>"And I can always get along with a woman if she remembers who <i>I</i> am," -replied Carlton E. Carlton, the acid-tongued author whose biting novels -had won him universal fame. He leaned his thin, bony body back into the -comfort of an overstuffed chair and favored the actress with a wicked -smile.</p> - -<p>The two of them were sitting in the finest lounge of the luxury space -ship <i>Kismet</i>, enjoying postprandial cocktails with Captain Homer -Fogarty, the <i>Kismet's</i> rotund commanding officer. The <i>Kismet</i> was -blasting through space at close to the speed of light, bound from -Callisto, one of Jupiter's moons, back to Earth. But none of the two -hundred Earthbound passengers were conscious of the speed at all.</p> - -<p>Darling Toujours waved a long cigarette holder at the author. "Don't -pay any attention to him, Captain. You know how writers are—always -putting words in other people's mouths, and not very good ones at that."</p> - -<p>"Do you mean not very good words or not very good mouths, my dear?" -Carlton asked. The solar system's most famous actress clamped her -scarlet lips shut with rage. It would take someone like Carlton E. -Carlton, she knew, to point out the one minor blemish in an otherwise -perfect body—her slightly over-sized mouth.</p> - -<p>She began to wish that she had never left Callisto, that she had -cancelled her passage on the <i>Kismet</i> when she learned that Carlton -was to be a fellow passenger. But her studio had wired her to return -to Earth immediately to make a new series of three dimensional video -films. And the <i>Kismet</i> was the only first class space ship flying to -Earth for two weeks. So she had kept her ticket in spite of Carlton.</p> - -<p>"I must say that I think Miss Toujours has the prettiest mouth I've -ever seen," boomed Captain Fogarty, his voice sounding something like -a cross between a foghorn and a steam whistle. And he was not merely -being gallant, for many a lonely night as he flew the darkness between -Earth and the many planets, he had dreamed of caressing those lips.</p> - -<p>"And I think you are definitely a man of discriminating taste," said -Darling demurely, crossing her legs and arranging her dress to expose a -little more of the Toujours charms to the Captain's eye.</p> - -<p>Carlton smiled casually at the exposed flesh. "It's all very pretty, -my dear," he said smugly. "But we've seen it all before and in space -you're supposed to act like a lady, if you can act that well."</p> - -<p>Darling Toujours drew back her hand to smack Carlton one in a very -unlady-like manner when she suddenly realized that they were not alone. -Her hand froze, poised elegantly in mid-air, as she turned to see a -newcomer standing at the door.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The witness to the impending slap was a withered little lady, scarcely -five feet tall, with silvered hair, eyes that twinkled like a March -wind, and a friendly rash of wrinkles that gave her face the kindly, -weathered appearance of an old stone idol. Her slight figure was lost -in volumes of black cloth draped on her in a manner that had gone out -of style at least fifty years before. The little woman coughed politely.</p> - -<p>"I beg your pardon," she told them in a sweet, high little voice. -"I hope I didn't interrupt anything. If you would like to hit the -gentleman, Miss Toujours, I'll be glad to come back later."</p> - -<p>Darling Toujours opened her violet eyes wide in surprise. "Why, I -was ... I was ... I—" The actress uttered a small, gulping sound as -she recovered her poise. "Why, I was just going to pat him on the cheek -for being such a nice boy. You are a nice boy, aren't you, Carlton?" -She leaned forward to stroke him gently on the face. Carlton roared -with laughter and the good Captain colored deeply.</p> - -<p>"Oh," said the little old woman, "I'm sorry. I didn't know that he was -your son." Carlton choked suddenly and Darling suffered from a brief -fit of hysteria.</p> - -<p>The Captain took command. "Now, look here, Madam," he sputtered. "What -is it you want?"</p> - -<p>"I really wanted to see you, Captain," she told him, her battered old -shoes bringing her fully into the room with little mincing steps. "The -Purser says I have to sign a contract of some kind with you, and I -wanted to know how to write my name. I'm Mrs. Omar K. Perkins, but you -see, I'm really Mrs. Matilda Perkins because my Omar died a few years -ago. But I haven't signed my name very much since then and I'm not at -all sure of which is legal." She put one bird-like little hand to -her throat and clasped the cameo there almost as if it could give her -support. She looked so small and so frail that Fogarty forgave her the -intrusion.</p> - -<p>"It really doesn't make much difference how you sign the thing, just so -long as you sign it," he blustered. "Just a mere formality anyway. You -just sign it any way you like." He paused, hoping that she would leave -now that she had her information.</p> - -<p>"Oh, I'm so glad to hear that," she said, but made no move whatsoever -to leave. Captain Fogarty gave her his hardened stare of the type which -withered most people where they stood. Mrs. Perkins just smiled sweetly -at him.</p> - -<p>His rage getting out of hand, he finally blurted, "And now, Mrs. -Perkins, I think you'd better be getting back to your quarters. As you -know, this is a private lounge for the <i>first</i> class passengers."</p> - -<p>Mrs. Perkins continued to smile at him. "Yes, I know. It's lovely, -isn't it? I'll just go out this way." And before anyone could stop her, -she had moved to the door to Darling Toujours' suite and had opened it, -stepping inside.</p> - -<p>"That's my room, not the door out," Darling said loudly.</p> - -<p>"So I see," said Mrs. Perkins, staring at the opulent furnishings -with avid pleasure. "It's such a pretty thing, all done up with -mother-of-pearl like that, isn't it? And what a pretty lace nightie -lying on the bed." Mrs. Perkins picked up the sheer, gossamer garment -to examine it. "You do wear something under it, don't you?"</p> - -<p>Darling screeched and darted for the door. She snatched the nightie -away from Mrs. Perkins and rudely propelled the older woman out the -door, closing it behind her. "Captain, this woman must GO!"</p> - -<p>"I was just leaving, Miss Toujours. I hope you and your son have a very -happy voyage. Good day, Captain Fogarty," she called over her shoulder -as she exited. Carlton E. Carlton's shrill laughter followed her down -the companionway.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Mrs. Perkins had been lying in her berth reading for less than an hour -when the knock sounded at her door. She would have preferred to sit up -and read, but her cabin was so small that there was no room for any -other furniture besides the bed.</p> - -<p>"Come in," she called in a small voice.</p> - -<p>Johnny Weaver, steward for the cheaper cabins, poked his youthful, -freckled face through the door. "Howdy, Mrs. Perkins. I wondered if I -could do anything for you? It's about ten minutes before we eat."</p> - -<p>"Well, you can pull that big box down from the top shelf there, if you -don't mind. And, I wonder, would you mind calling me Grandma? All my -children do it and I miss it so." She gave him a wrinkled smile that -was at once wistful and petulant.</p> - -<p>Johnny laughed in an easy, infectious manner. "Sure thing, Grandma." -He stretched his long arms up to bring down the heavy bag and found -himself wondering just how it had gotten up there in the first place. -He didn't remember ever putting it there for her and Grandma Perkins -was obviously too frail a woman to have handled such a heavy box by -herself. He put it on the floor.</p> - -<p>As she stooped over and extracted a pair of low-heeled, black and -battered shoes from the box, she asked him, "Johnny, what was that -paper I signed this afternoon?"</p> - -<p>"Oh, that? Why that was just a contract for passage, Grandma. You -guaranteed to pay them so much for the flight, which you've already -done, and they guaranteed that you wouldn't be put off against your -will until you reached your destination."</p> - -<p>"But why do we have to have a contract?"</p> - -<p>Johnny leaned back, relaxing against the door. "Well, STAR—that's -Stellar Transportation and Atomic Research, you know—is one of -the thirteen monopolies in this part of the solar system. The "Big -Thirteen," we call them. STAR charters every space flight in this neck -of the woods. Well, back in the old days, when space flights were -scarce, it used to be that you'd pay for a ticket from Saturn to Earth, -say, and you'd get to Mars and they'd stop for fuel. Maybe somebody -on Mars would offer a lot of money for your cabin. So STAR would just -bump you off, refund part of your money and leave you stranded there. -In order to get the monopoly, they had to promise to stop all that. And -the Solar Congress makes them sign contracts guaranteeing you that they -won't put you off against your wishes. Of course, they don't dare do it -anymore anyway, but that's the law."</p> - -<p>Grandma Perkins sighed. "It's such a small cabin I don't think anybody -else would want it. But it's all that I could afford," she said, -smoothing out the wrinkles in her dress with both hands.</p> - -<p>"Anything else I can do for you, Grandma?"</p> - -<p>"No, thank you, Johnny. I think I can make it up the steps to the -dining room by myself."</p> - -<p>A little while later when Johnny looked into her room to see if she had -gone, the cabin was empty and the heavy box was back in place in the -top cabinet.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The food that evening was not the very best, Grandma Perkins thought to -herself, but that was mostly due to her seat. By the time the waiter -got around to her little cranny most of it was cold. But she didn't -complain. She enjoyed watching the people with the more expensive -cabins parade their clothes and their manners at the Captain's table. -And, it must be admitted, she was more than a trifle envious of them. -Her acquaintances of the afternoon, Miss Toujours and Mr. Carlton, were -seated there, Miss Toujours having the place of honor to the Captain's -right.</p> - -<p>Grandma watched them as they finished up their food and then she moved -from her little table over to one of the very comfortable sofas in the -main lounge. In reality she wasn't supposed to be sitting there, but -she hoped that she could get away with it. The divans were so much more -comfortable than her hard, narrow bed that she felt like sitting there -for a long time, by herself, just thinking.</p> - -<p>But her hopes met with disappointment. For shortly after she sat down, -Darling Toujours and Carlton E. Carlton strolled over and sat down -across from her, not recognizing her at first. Then Carlton spied her.</p> - -<p>"Darling! There's that priceless little woman we met this afternoon."</p> - -<p>"The little hag, you mean," Miss Toujours muttered under her breath, -but loudly enough for Grandma Perkins to hear.</p> - -<p>"Why, hello, Miss Toujours. And Mr. Carlton too. I hope you'll forgive -me for this afternoon. I've found out who you were, you see."</p> - -<p>"Of course we forgive you, Mrs. Jerkins," Darling said throatily, -baring her teeth like a feline.</p> - -<p>"My name is Perkins," Grandma smiled.</p> - -<p>"I hope you don't mind, Toujours, but you know, you remind me a great -deal of my grandniece, Agatha. She was undoubtedly the most lovely -child I've ever seen."</p> - -<p>"Why, thank you, Mrs. Perkins," Darling purred, starting to preen just -a bit. Anything could be forgiven someone who complimented her.</p> - -<p>"Of course, Agatha never was quite bright," Grandma said as she turned -her head aside as if in sorrow. "They were all set to put her in an -institution when she ran off and married the lizard man in a carnival. -I believe she's still appearing in the show as the bearded lady. A -pity. She was so pretty, just like you."</p> - -<p>Darling Toujours muttered a few choice words under her breath.</p> - -<p>"But we must all make the best of things as they come. That's what -Omar, my husband, used to say." Grandma paused to wipe away a small -tear that had gotten lodged in one of her eyes. "That reminds me," she -said finally, "I've got a three dimensional picture of Omar right here. -And pictures of all my children, my ten lovely children. I brought them -with me specially tonight because I thought you might want to look at -them. Now, where did I put them?" Grandma opened her purse and began -rummaging around in its voluminous confines.</p> - -<p>Darling and Carlton exchanged horrified glances and then rose silently -and tip-toed out of the lounge.</p> - -<p>Grandma looked up from her search. "Oh, my, they seem to have gone."</p> - -<p>Johnny Weaver, who had been clearing one of the nearby tables, put down -a stack of dirty dishes and came over to her. "I'd like to see the -pictures, Grandma."</p> - -<p>"Oh, that's very nice of you, Johnny, but—" she said quickly.</p> - -<p>"Really I would, Grandma. Where are they?"</p> - -<p>"I—" She stopped and the devilment showed in her eyes. Her withered -little face pursed itself into a smile. "There aren't any pictures, -Johnny. I don't carry any. I know their faces all so well I don't have -to. But any time I want to get rid of somebody I just offer to show -them pictures of my family. You'd be surprised how effective it is."</p> - -<p>Johnny laughed. "Why are you going to Earth, anyway, Grandma?"</p> - -<p>The old woman sighed. "It's a long story, Johnny, but you just sit down -and I'll tell it to you."</p> - -<p>"I can't sit down in the lounge, but I'll be glad to stand up and -listen."</p> - -<p>"Then I'll make it a short story. You see, Johnny, I'm an old woman. -I'll be 152 this year. And ever since Omar, my husband, died a few -years ago, I've lived from pillar to post. First with one child and -then with another. They've all been married for decades now of course, -with children and grandchildren of their own. And I guess that I just -get in their way. There just isn't much left in life for a feeble old -woman like me." She sniffled a moment or two as if to cry. Johnny, -remembering the heavy box in her cabin that got moved up and down -without his help, suppressed a smile on the word "feeble."</p> - -<p>"There aren't many friends my age left around any more. So I'm being -sent to Earth to a home full of dear, sweet old ladies my age, the -money for which is being provided by my dear, sweet children—all ten -of them." Grandma dabbed a bit of a handkerchief at her eyes. "The -rats," she muttered under her breath. When she saw her companion was -smiling she dropped her pretense of crying.</p> - -<p>"To be truthful, Johnny, they've grown old and stodgy, all of them. -And I'm sure they think I've lost most of my marbles. Everything I did -embarrassed them, so I guess it's for the best, but—"</p> - -<p>Grandma Perkins never finished the sentence, for interrupting her came -the horrendous clang of the <i>Kismet's</i> general alarm, and on its heels, -charging through the main salon like a rhinoceros in heat, came Captain -Fogarty.</p> - -<p>"PIRATES! PIRATES! We're being attacked by space pirates! You there!" -he shouted at Johnny. "Man your station! And you, Madam, to your -quarters at once! PIRATES!" he shouted again and barged through the -door again and bellowed down the hall to the main bridge.</p> - -<p>Johnny was off like a startled rabbit, but Grandma moved with serene -calmness to the door. Maybe, she thought, we're going to have a little -excitement after all.</p> - -<p>At the door to the steps leading to her downstairs cabin she paused to -think.</p> - -<p>"If I go down and hide, I'll miss all the fun. Of course, it's safer, -and an old woman like me shouldn't be up and about when pirates are -around, but—" A delicious smile spread over her face as she took her -scruples firmly in hand and turned to follow the bellowing Captain -towards the bridge.</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p class="ph1">II</p> - -<p>The Starship <i>Kismet</i> was the pride and joy of Stellar Transportation -and Atomic Research. It was outfitted with every known safety device -and the control room was masterfully planned for maximum efficiency. -But the astral architect who designed her never anticipated the -situation facing her at the present. The <i>Kismet's</i> bridge was a welter -of confusion.</p> - -<p>The Senior Watch Officer was shouting at his assistant, the Navigator -was cursing out the Pilot and the Gunnery Officer, whose job had been -a sinecure until now, was bellowing at them all. Above the hubbub, -suddenly, came the raucous voice of Captain Fogarty as he stalked onto -the bridge.</p> - -<p>"What in great space has happened to the motors? Why are we losing -speed?"</p> - -<p>The Senior Watch Officer saluted and shouted, "Engine Room reports the -engines have all stopped, Sir. Don't know why. We're operating the -lights and vents on emergency power."</p> - -<p>The Communications Officer spoke up. "The pirate ship reports that -they're responsible, Sir. They say they've got a new device that will -leave us without atomic power for as long as they like."</p> - -<p>As if to confirm this, over the loudspeaker came a voice. "Ahoy, STAR -<i>Kismet</i>. Stand by for boarders. If you don't open up to us, we'll -blast you off the map."</p> - -<p>"Pirates! Attacking us! Incredible!" cried the Captain. "There are no -pirates any more. What have we got a Space Patrol for? Where in blazes -is the Space Patrol anyway?"</p> - -<p>The Communications Officer gulped. "Er, ah, we got in contact with -Commodore Trumble. He says his ship can get here in ten hours anyway, -and for us to wait for him."</p> - -<p>Captain Fogarty snorted. "Fat lot of good he'll do us. Wait for him, -eh? Well, we'll just blow that pirate out of the sky right now. Stand -by the guns!"</p> - -<p>"The guns are useless," whined the Gunnery Officer. "The atomics that -run them won't operate at all. What will we do?"</p> - -<p>"Ahoy, STAR <i>Kismet</i>. Open up your hatches when we arrive and let us -in, or we won't spare a man of you," boomed the loudspeaker.</p> - -<p>"Pirates going to board us. How nice," muttered Grandma to herself as -she eavesdropped just outside the door to the bridge.</p> - -<p>"They'll never get through the hatches alive. At least our small arms -still work. We'll kill 'em all!" cried Captain Fogarty.</p> - -<p>"We only want one of you. All the rest of you will be spared if you -open up the hatches and don't try to make no trouble," came the voice -over the radio.</p> - -<p>"Tell them I'd rather all of us be killed than to let one dirty pirate -on board my ship," the Captain shouted to the Communications Officer.</p> - -<p>"Oh, my goodness. That doesn't sound very smart," Grandma said half -aloud. And turning from the doorway, she crept back through the -deserted passageway.</p> - -<p>The main passenger hatch was not too far from the bridge. Grandma found -it with ease, and in less than three minutes she had zipped herself -into one of the emergency-use space suits stowed away beside the port. -She felt awfully awkward climbing into the monstrous steel and plastic -contraption, and her small body didn't quite fit the proportions of the -metallic covering. But once she had maneuvered herself into it, she -felt quite at ease.</p> - -<p>Opening the inner door to the airlock, she clanked into the little -room. As the door shut behind her, she pressed the cycling button and -evacuated the air from the lock.</p> - -<p>A minute or so later she heard poundings outside the airlock and quite -calmly she reached out a mailed fist and turned a switch plainly -marked:</p> - -<p class="ph1">EMERGENCY LOCK<br /> -DO NOT OPERATE IN FLIGHT</p> - -<p>The outer hatch opened almost immediately. The radio in Grandma's suit -crackled with static. "What are you doing here?" demanded a voice over -the suit radio.</p> - -<p>"Pirates! I'm hiding from the pirates. They'll never find me here!" she -told them in a voice she hoped sounded full of panic.</p> - -<p>"What's your name?" asked the voice.</p> - -<p>"Darling Toujours, famous television actress," she lied quite calmly.</p> - -<p>"That's the one, boys," said another voice. "Let's go." Catching hold -of Grandma's arm, they led her out into the emptiness of free space.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Half an hour later, after the pirate ship had blasted far enough away -from the <i>Kismet</i>, the men in the control room relaxed and began to -take off their space suits. One of the men who Grandma soon learned was -Lamps O'Toole, the nominal leader of the pirates, stretched his brawny -body to ease the crinks out of it and then rubbed his hands together. -Grandma noticed that he carried a week's beard on his face, as did most -of the other men.</p> - -<p>"Well, that was a good one, eh, Snake?" said Lamps.</p> - -<p>Snake Simpson was a wiry little man whose tough exterior in no way -suggested a reptile, except, perhaps, for his eyes which sat too close -to one another. "You bet, Skipper. We're full fledged pirates now, just -like old Captain Blackbrood."</p> - -<p>"You mean Blackbeard, Snake," said Lamps.</p> - -<p>"Sure. He used to sit around broodin' up trouble all the time."</p> - -<p>One of the other men piped up. "And to think we get the pleasurable -company of the sweetest doll in the whole solar system for free besides -the money."</p> - -<p>"Aw, women are no dern good—all of them," said Snake.</p> - -<p>"Now, Snake, that's no way to talk in front of company. You just -apologize to the lady," Lamps told him. Lamps was six inches taller and -fifty pounds heavier than Snake. Snake apologized.</p> - -<p>"That's better. And now, Miss Toujours, maybe you'd be more -comfortable without that space suit on," he said.</p> - -<p>"Oh, no, thank you. I feel much better with it on," a small voice said -over the suit's loudspeaker system.</p> - -<p>Lamps grinned. "Oh, come now, Miss Toujours. We ain't going to hurt -you. I guarantee nobody will lay a finger to you."</p> - -<p>"But I feel much—much safer, if you know what I mean," said the voice.</p> - -<p>"Heck. With one of them things on, you can't eat, can't sleep, -can't—Well, there's lots of things you can't do with one of them -things on. Besides, we all want to take a little look at you, if you -don't mind. Snake, you and Willie help the little lady out of her -attire."</p> - -<p>As the men approached her, Grandma sensed the game was up. "Okay," she -told them. "I give up. I can make it by myself." She started to take -the bulky covering off. She had gotten no more than the headpiece off -when the truth dawned on her companions.</p> - -<p>"Holy Smoke (or something like that)," said one of the men.</p> - -<p>"Nippin' Nebulae," said another.</p> - -<p>"It ain't Darling Toujours at all!" cried Lamps.</p> - -<p>"It ain't even no woman!" cried Snake.</p> - -<p>"I beg your pardon," said Grandma, and quite nonchalantly shed the rest -of the suit and sat down in a comfortable chair. "I am Mrs. Matilda -Perkins."</p> - -<p>When he could recover his powers of speech, Lamps sputtered, "I think -you owe us a sort of an explanation, lady. If you know what I mean."</p> - -<p>"Certainly. I know exactly what you mean. It's all quite simple. When I -overheard that you intended to board the <i>Kismet</i>, searching for only -one person, I decided that one person had to be Darling Toujours. I -guessed right off that she was the only one on board worth kidnapping -and holding for ransom, so I simply let you believe that I was she and -you took me. That's easy to understand, isn't it?"</p> - -<p>"Lady, I don't know what your game is, but it better be good. Now, just -why did you do this to us?" Lamps was restraining himself nobly.</p> - -<p>"You never would have gotten inside the <i>Kismet</i> without my assistance. -And even if you had, you'd never have gotten back out alive.</p> - -<p>"Captain Fogarty's men would have cut you to ribbons. So I opened the -hatch to let you in, planted myself in the way, and you got out with -me before they could muster their defenses. So, you see, I saved your -lives."</p> - -<p>Grandma Perkins paused in her narrative and looked up at her audience, -giving them a withered little smile. "And if you want to know why, -well ... I was bored on the <i>Kismet</i>, and I thought how nice it would -be to run away and join a gang of cutthroat pirates."</p> - -<p>"She's batty," moaned Snake.</p> - -<p>"She's lost her marbles," muttered another.</p> - -<p>"Let's toss her overboard right now," said still another.</p> - -<p>Lamps O'Toole took the floor. "Now, wait a minute. We can't do that," -he said loudly. "We got enough trouble as is. You know what would -happen to us if the Space Patrol added murder to the list. They'd put -the whole fleet in after us and track us and our families down to the -last kid." Then he turned to the little old lady to explain.</p> - -<p>"Look, lady—"</p> - -<p>"My name is Mrs. Matilda Perkins. You may call me Grandma."</p> - -<p>"Okay, Grandma, look. You really fixed us good. To begin with, we ain't -really pirates. We used to operate this tub as a freighter between the -Jupiter moons. But STAR got a monopoly on all space flights, including -freight, and they just froze us out. We can't operate nowhere in the -solar system, unless we get their permission. And they just ain't -giving permission to nobody these days." Lamps flopped into one of the -control seats and lit a cigarette.</p> - -<p>"So, when us good, honest men couldn't find any work because of STAR, -and we didn't want to give up working in space, we just ups and decides -to become pirates. This was our first job, and we sure did need the -money we could have gotten out of Darling Toujours' studios for ransom."</p> - -<p>Lamps sighed. "Now, we got you instead, no chance of getting the ransom -money, and to top it all off, we'll be wanted for piracy by the Space -Patrol."</p> - -<p>"Well, it doesn't seem to me that you're ever going to be good pirates -at this rate," Grandma told him. "You should have known better than to -take a woman at her word."</p> - -<p>"I don't suppose you got any rich relatives what would pay to get you -back?" suggested Snake hopefully.</p> - -<p>"I haven't got any rich relatives period," she said pertly. Then she -added, "But my ten children might scrape up a little cash for you if -you promised you wouldn't bring me back at all."</p> - -<p>"I figured as much," Lamps said dolefully. "Lookit, Grandma, the best -thing we can do is to put you off safely at the next place we stop. -Unless we get you back in one piece the Space Patrol will be on our -necks forever. So don't go getting any ideas about joining up with us."</p> - -<p>"Well, the very least you could do for a poor old lady is to feed her," -Grandma told him, her lower lip sticking out in a most petulant manner. -"They like to have starved me to death on that <i>Kismet</i>."</p> - -<p>"We ain't got much fancy in the line of grub...." Lamps began.</p> - -<p>"Just show me the way to the kitchen," said Grandma.</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p class="ph1">III</p> - -<p>A full meal and three extra helpings of hot biscuits later, Grandma, -Lamps and Snake were sitting around in the captain's cabin talking.</p> - -<p>"... and that's the way it is, Grandma. When STAR froze us out of work, -we just took our ship here and became pirates." Lamps stuffed one more -of Grandma's biscuits into his mouth.</p> - -<p>"But where'd you get that fancy gadget that stopped the Kismet's -engines from running?" Grandma asked, passing the plate to Snake.</p> - -<p>Snake took a biscuit and passed the plate back. "That's our Suggestor -Ray. Perfessor Spindle, he invented it. He invents a lot of things. -He's got a lavoratory at our hideout."</p> - -<p>"You mean laboratory, Snake. But who's Professor Spindle?" Grandma -asked.</p> - -<p>Snake wolfed the biscuit down in one mighty gulp. "He used to work for -STAR until they stole a couple of his inventions and wouldn't pay him -for them. So he come to work for us. He fixed up the suggestor ray in -no time."</p> - -<p>"You mean suppressor ray," muttered Lamps, his mouth full.</p> - -<p>"That's right. We get close to another space ship and turn it on and it -suggests that the engines don't work. Perfessor Spindle, he shedded our -engines so they'd work even with it on."</p> - -<p>"You mean shielded," said Grandma.</p> - -<p>"That's right. He put a big shed over the engines to shed out the -suggestor rays." As Snake leaned over to pick up the remaining biscuit -from the plate in front of him, a locket slipped out of the neck of -his shirt. Grandma saw the picture of a pretty blonde girl in it, and -attached to the chain was a wedding ring. Snake noticed her looking at -it. "That's my wife. We was married when we was awful young. But she -up and flewed the coop on me about a year after we was married. Awful -pretty, she was."</p> - -<p>"She reminds me of someone," said Grandma.</p> - -<p>Lamps leaned back in his chair and propped his feet up on the desk. -"You know, Grandma, you sure do bake fine biscuits. Maybe we'll stop in -and see you sometimes at that old folks home and you can fix us some -more. Yes, sir, you sure can cook."</p> - -<p>Grandma Perkins saw her opening and seized upon it. "You sure could use -a woman's touch on this ship. Why, this is the dirtiest ship I've ever -seen, and—"</p> - -<p>"Aw, now, Grandma. You know we never could have a female on a pirate -ship. And we got to get you back to safety before the Space Patrol has -us in the coop for good. And what would your ten children say—"</p> - -<p>Lamps was saved from further explanation when the door to the cabin -burst open and Willie Wicket, the youngest of the pirates, dashed in.</p> - -<p>"Captain Lamps! There's a Space Patrol ship bearing down on our tail -hell bent for leather!"</p> - -<p>Lamps jumped to his feet, as did Snake. "Well, turn on the suppressor -ray. That ought to fix it!"</p> - -<p>"I turned on the ray and they're still a-coming!" wailed Willie.</p> - -<p>"Oh, Lordy, Lordy! Professor Spindle told us this would happen, and we -didn't believe him. That must be one of the new patrol ships," Lamps -moaned as he, Snake and Grandma rushed for the control room. En route -Grandma was told that the newest patrol ships had a special kind of -shielding that made them invulnerable to the Spindle suppressor ray.</p> - -<p>Lamps, Snake, Willie and the rest of the crew took turns at trying -to out-maneuver the patrol craft, but it had far too much speed for -the slower craft, and it became obvious within a few minutes that the -pirate ship was doomed to be captured.</p> - -<p>Then Grandma spoke up. "Where's that suppressor ray of yours, Lamps?"</p> - -<p>"Over there in the corner of the control panel by the televideo set, -but don't monkey with it," he told her in the middle of a stream of -curses at his ancient vessel. He slammed his hands around the control -board frantically trying to elude the oncoming patrol craft. Grandma -ignored his warning and quickly pried off the top of the box containing -the suppressor mechanism.</p> - -<p>A brilliant burst of atomic energy lit the control room. "They're -firing at us!" cried Lamps. "Man the guns, men!"</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The crew was so busy executing this order that none of them saw exactly -what Grandma was doing until Willie, who was manning the radar screen, -suddenly shouted, "Captain Lamps! The patrol ship's stopped!"</p> - -<p>"Of course it's stopped," Grandma said indignantly. "I just fixed -your old dingus here so it'd work right. And it's going to stay fixed -until I can get you out of trouble." She crossed her arms and stared -adamantly at Lamps who was so shocked he could scarcely move.</p> - -<p>Then she pointed her finger. "Willie, you come over here and turn -this televideo on and get me in touch with that patrol ship right -away. We've got some things to settle." Willie looked at Lamps for -permission, but the captain of the pirate craft was still too stunned -to do more than nod his head. Willie walked to the set and began to -fiddle with the dials.</p> - -<p>Snake broke the silence and asked the question they all wanted to ask. -"Grandma, how come you could fix that Suggestory Ray?"</p> - -<p>"Young man," she snapped, "I had ten children, like I told you. One of -them, Franklin, my next to oldest boy, was a physicist. And you don't -help put a boy through college physics without learning something about -how to fiddle with electronics." Lamps felt faint.</p> - -<p>The screen of the televideo lit up. "Hello, Patrol Ship! Hello, Patrol -Ship!" Willie called over the microphone.</p> - -<p>The chubby face of a middle aged man appeared on the screen. His cap -carried enough gold braid to stock a small-sized mint. "Hello, Pirate," -he cried. "This is Commodore Trumble of the Space Patrol on board the -cruiser <i>Faultless</i>. What in blue blazes have you done to my ship!"</p> - -<p>"Give me that microphone, Willie," Grandma said, taking the device away -from him. She moved over to the screen. "Hello, Commodore. This is Mrs. -Omar Perkins on board the pirate ship—" She stopped and turned to -Lamps. "What is the name of this tub?" she asked.</p> - -<p>"It's—it's the <i>Lulu Belle</i>," he said, turning his head aside as if in -shame.</p> - -<p>"That's hardly a fit name for a pirate ship," Grandma told him, turning -back to the televideo. "That's a sissy name."</p> - -<p>"That's her name, and that's what it's going to—"</p> - -<p>Grandma ignored him. "Hello, Commodore. This is Mrs. Omar Perkins on -board the pirate ship <i>Dirty Shame</i>."</p> - -<p>Lamps groaned audibly.</p> - -<p>"Are you the one they kidnapped from the <i>Kismet</i>?"</p> - -<p>"That's right, Commodore. And now I'm ready to go back."</p> - -<p>"What are you doing at the microphone? Who's in command of the <i>Dirty -Shame</i>?" The Commodore looked near apoplexy.</p> - -<p>"I am, for the moment," Grandma told him. Lamps groaned again, this -time louder. "And I want you to do me a favor. Please get Captain -Fogarty on your long-distance video right away. I want to talk to him."</p> - -<p>The Commodore screamed, "I'll do nothing of the kind! What have you -done to the <i>Faultless</i>? What are those pirates doing?"</p> - -<p>Grandma smiled at him. "Well, right now they're getting ready to blow a -hole right in the side of your ship. And I don't know that I can stop -them if you don't do what I say."</p> - -<p>"What!" shouted the Commodore.</p> - -<p>"And I don't believe your guns are working too well with your atomics -out of order, so I'd suggest that you get Captain Fogarty on the video -right away."</p> - -<p>The Commodore ranted, he bellowed and he raved, but in less than a -minute, Captain Fogarty's face appeared on the screen, relayed from the -more powerful communications center on the <i>Faultless</i>.</p> - -<p>"Good evening, Captain Fogarty. This is Mrs. Omar Perkins on board the -pirate craft <i>Dirty Shame</i>."</p> - -<p>Fogarty harrumped. "Oh, it's you. Well, I'm glad to see that you're -safe. Did the Commodore rescue you?"</p> - -<p>"Well, you could put it that way, I guess. Where is the <i>Kismet</i> now?" -she asked.</p> - -<p>"Heading for Earth as scheduled, if it's any of your business. Why?"</p> - -<p>Grandma gave him a twinkling grin. "Well, I don't think you'd better -land without me. So you just hold your horses till I get back aboard."</p> - -<p>"I'll do nothing of the kind. I can't help it if one of the poorer -paying passengers gets herself kidnapped. The Space Patrol has plenty -of room. They can just bring you in. I've got a schedule to meet."</p> - -<p>Grandma pretended to yawn. "I wouldn't advise your landing on Earth -without me. Or landing anywhere, for that matter. You know, Stellar -Transportation signed a contract with me guaranteeing that I wouldn't -be put off the ship against my will and promising to deliver me to -Earth this trip. If I'm not aboard when you land, that contract is -broken and so is STAR'S monopoly. So you go right ahead without me. I -figure I could make about a million dollars off the law suit myself if -you do."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Captain Fogarty exploded. "I ... I ..." he stammered, then turned -away from the screen. Grandma could hear a hasty conversation between -him and the <i>Kismet's</i> legal officer. In a moment he returned to the -screen, a broad but very forced grin on his face. "Why, Mrs. Perkins, -we wouldn't think of landing without you. Please tell Commodore Trumble -that we'll be waiting for you."</p> - -<p>"But I just might not feel like coming, Captain," Grandma said demurely.</p> - -<p>"Tell Commodore Trumble I said he had to bring you back immediately!" -blustered Fogarty. "And I hope he wrings those pirates' necks!"</p> - -<p>Grandma put on her most pained expression. But to Lamps, Snake and the -rest of the men still standing in awe, it was obvious that she was -enjoying every minute of it.</p> - -<p>"I don't think Commodore Trumble has much to say about it. You see, the -pirates captured him and the entire crew of the <i>Faultless</i> just before -he called you. So the pirates would be the ones who'd have to bring me -back. And I'm sure they wouldn't do that unless they were sure I'd be -well taken care of."</p> - -<p>"I don't believe it!" cried Fogarty. "Trumble, say it isn't so!"</p> - -<p>There came a slight sputtering on the circuit. "Well, Fogarty, I ... -well ... that is, I—"</p> - -<p>"Oh, no," moaned Fogarty.</p> - -<p>Grandma smiled prettily. "Now, then, about my accommodations. You know -that lovely mother-of-pearl suite that Miss Toujours has? Well, I think -I ought to have that suite. I'm far too old to be climbing all those -stairs and that other cabin was so small." She looked up a bit, as if -in a blissful reverie. "Miss Toujours has to rush back to make some new -pictures, and I'm sure that she wouldn't like to be delayed in space -for weeks and weeks. So you might have her leave me a set of those lacy -nighties, too. They looked so nice. And I'll have to have her seat -at the Captain's table too, of course. And I'd need my own private -steward. Johnny Weaver will do nicely, I think. And—"</p> - -<p>Grandma, the morose Captain and the <i>Kismet's</i> legal officer finally -straightened matters out. In return for the granting of her every -whim for the rest of the voyage, Grandma agreed to return to the ship -and free Stellar Transportation from any liability arising from her -kidnapping. She was almost glowing over it all, but it was a beaten and -broken Fogarty who finally broke the video circuit some minutes later.</p> - -<p>Turning to the crew of the <i>Dirty Shame</i>, Grandma smiled with great -innocence. "Now, wasn't it nice of them to go to all that trouble over -a little old lady like me," she said.</p> - -<p>Lamps grinned. "You sure fixed them, Grandma. But what a pack of -trouble you got us into with the law. What are we going to do with -Trumble and the <i>Faultless</i> out there? The Space Patrol will chase us -the rest of our lives for pulling a fast one like this."</p> - -<p>Grandma snapped her fingers. "I knew there was something I had -forgotten." She turned back to the video set. "Hello, Commodore -Trumble," she called.</p> - -<p>"Well, I hope you're satisfied," came the booming voice of the -Commodore.</p> - -<p>"No, not quite. There's a small matter of amnesty for the crew of the -<i>Dirty Shame</i>. If you'll just make out the papers giving them a full -pardon for this whole affair, everything will be just fine."</p> - -<p>Grandma winced at the language he used in reply. On the tail of the -last string of curses, he added, "I won't do it. What do you think I -am, an idiot?"</p> - -<p>"We won't discuss the subject just at the moment, Commodore. But, -really, you wouldn't want the story to get out that the big, brave, -fearless Commodore Trumble got himself out-foxed by a poor little -innocent old lady like me, would you? Silence comes dear, as my husband -used to say to me."</p> - -<p>"I—I—"</p> - -<p>"And I see that the boys here have got that gun pointed in your -direction again. The Space Patrol wouldn't be too happy if you brought -the <i>Faultless</i> back with a few big holes in her sides, would they. And -I don't know if I can stop the boys—"</p> - -<p>The Commodore turned green, then purple, then a trifle black in -the face. "I can't do it. It—it isn't legal. I—I haven't got the -authority."</p> - -<p>Grandma silenced him with a wave of her hand. "Of course you have. In -the case of the Space Patrol vs. Pickens and Poof, the Solar Supreme -Court ruled that Patrol Commodores, while in space, have the power -to grant complete amnesty to any deserving citizens who merit it. I -didn't put my eldest son Wade through law school without learning -something about the subject. Furthermore, in the case of Higgins vs. -Abercrombie—"</p> - -<p>"All right. I give up. You win." The Commodore retired from the video -screen, tears in his eyes.</p> - -<p>A few hours later the <i>Dirty Shame</i> hove into sight of the <i>Kismet</i>. -Grandma Perkins put on her space suit again and prepared to head back -to the luxury liner, but not before she and her boys had had a small -celebration, the high spot of which was another batch of fresh-baked -biscuits.</p> - -<p>Grandma then told them all good-bye and insisted on kissing each -of them on their cheeks in spite of the beards. She then explained -that she hated to go off and leave them like this, but that she had -a contract to live up to and that she always kept her bargains. But -anyway they had their pardons now and they probably wouldn't need -her—much.</p> - -<p>And it must be reported that as the tiny little figure, safe in the -over-sized space suit, drifted across the void that separated the two -ships, more than one of the grizzled crew turned aside to wipe his eyes -on a dirty sleeve.</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p class="ph1">IV</p> - -<p>It is doubtful that anyone ever enjoyed a trip on the <i>Kismet</i> as -much as Grandma Perkins did hers. Johnny waited on her hand and foot, -she was served first at the table and she kept up a running flow of -brilliant conversation. And if Captain Fogarty seemed to enjoy his -meals less the latter part of the voyage than he had the first part, -only the more malicious of the passengers dared to connect his loss of -appetite with his new-found guest of honor.</p> - -<p>All in all the rest of the trip was a fairly uneventful one for -Grandma, save for one small incident the first night she was back on -board ship. Luxuriating in her large, comfortable mother-of-pearl bed, -Grandma heard a soft knocking at her door.</p> - -<p>"Come in," she called in a small voice.</p> - -<p>The door opened and in stalked Darling Toujours, a suitcase under her -arms.</p> - -<p>"I've come to take my cabin back, Mrs. Perkins," she said, a mean look -in her eyes. "The only vacant one was the little hole in the wall they -had you in the first part of the voyage, and I must say it isn't fit -for a dog."</p> - -<p>"Oh, I think you'll get used to it then," cood Grandma.</p> - -<p>"Well, I don't intend to be the one to do the getting used to it," -snarled the actress. "You see, my dear woman, I didn't say anything -about this until you were safely on board again and we could start -back for Earth, because I can't afford to be late for making my next -picture."</p> - -<p>Grandma looked a little surprised. "Say anything about what?"</p> - -<p>"About how I was in the passageway and saw you get into that space suit -and let yourself out the airlock, Mrs. Perkins. I don't believe that -constitutes being forced to leave against your will. Therefore, STAR -doesn't owe you a thing more than your passage, if that, and I want my -suite back." The actress smiled triumphantly.</p> - -<p>"But, Miss Toujours, surely no one would believe such a fantastic story -like that."</p> - -<p>Darling Toujours began to purr softly. "Captain Fogarty would. And now, -my dear, if you'll just leave, I won't have to have you put out. And -you can just take off my nice lace nightie to begin with!"</p> - -<p>"Oh, my," said Grandma, sighing deeply but making no sign of moving. -"And I was so hoping that I wouldn't have to say anything about all -that business and cause you so much trouble."</p> - -<p>Darling Toujours looked startled. Then a distrustful look came into her -eyes. "What are you talking about?" she demanded suspiciously.</p> - -<p>"Why, on board that pirate ship I noticed that one of the men, Snake -Simpson, was wearing a picture of a very pretty girl. His wife, he -said, only she had run out on him many years ago. Of course, her hair -was blonde, and yours is black, and you seem to have done something to -your nose in the meantime, but I'd never mistake the mouth. So large -for your face, you know."</p> - -<p>"Why, you little—" the younger woman began.</p> - -<p>"I wouldn't tell anybody in the world about it. Unless, of course, you -made trouble, Mrs. Simp—I mean, Miss Toujours."</p> - -<p>"Nobody in the world would believe you!" snapped the actress.</p> - -<p>Grandma gave her a beneficent smile. "Carlton E. Carlton would. By the -way, my dear, I think I know now why you wear these nighties. But -one does feel so naked in them, if you know what I mean. And now, if -you'll please leave. This part of the ship is restricted to first class -passengers."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>When the <i>Kismet</i> landed at the New York spaceport many days later, -Grandma left the ship reluctantly, knowing that it marked the end -of a great adventure for her. In protest against this, she took the -little money she had with her and spent a full week of almost riotous -living on the town, visiting all the nightclubs and the dives, flirting -dangerously with men of 70 and 80, half her age, and almost getting -arrested six times.</p> - -<p>But one bright morning, her funds exhausted, she was deposited bag and -baggage on the front lawn of Melissa Muir's Home for Elderly Ladies. -Grandma looked the place over dourly.</p> - -<p>"Well, I guess there's nothing left for me to do now but retire from -active life and take up painting," Grandma said to herself. And picking -up some of her effects, she started up the walk. Close to the front -porch, however, two men stepped out from behind some shrubbery and -started towards her.</p> - -<p>"Grandma!" one of them shouted. And it was only then that she -recognized Lamps and Snake, freshly shaven and with clean suits on.</p> - -<p>"Why, Lamps O'Toole! And you, too, Snake! Whatever are you two doing at -this old boneyard?" she said, hugging each in turn.</p> - -<p>"We come to see you, Grandma," Lamps told her, bashful as a boy asking -for his first date. "We had to put in to Earth for fuel, so we came by -to see how you was."</p> - -<p>Snake Simpson, plainly embarrassed at her display of affection, -wriggled free from her bony embrace. "Yeah, Grandma, we come by to -bring you a message from Perfessor Spindle. He still don't know what -you did to the Suggestor Ray, but he says you're a real Icy Stein."</p> - -<p>"You mean Einstein, Snake. That's very kind of the professor."</p> - -<p>"And we brought you a little present to show you how much we appreciate -you getting us the pardons," Lamps told her, thrusting a small package -into her hands. "Don't go and open it until we leave, though."</p> - -<p>Grandma Perkins felt a little flustered by all the attention she was -receiving. "Why, thank you very much, boys. I'm sure I'll like it."</p> - -<p>The three of them stood quite still and quite silent for a moment or -two. Then Lamps said, "Well, I guess we ought to be going, Grandma. -It's been good seeing you, and take care of yourself."</p> - -<p>"Yeah, bye," said Snake, holding out a grimy paw hoping to escape with -just a handshake. He did.</p> - -<p>The two burly spacemen strode rapidly down the walk and climbed into -their aircar. Grandma stood transfixed until the little vehicle had -climbed far out of sight. Then she opened the present.</p> - -<p>In the box she found a delicate bit of jewelry—a solid gold locket. -The medallion was shaped like a rocket ship, and along the side of it, -spelled out in tiny diamonds, was the name, <i>Dirty Shame</i>. Grandma -held it in her hands for a spell, then pulled out a bit of a lace -handkerchief and honked loudly.</p> - -<p>Turning around, she surveyed her new home again. And she began to -think, which was always dangerous. Her conscience, catching the drift -of her thoughts, became alarmed.</p> - -<p>"Now, Matilda Perkins, you wouldn't dare—" her conscience said to her.</p> - -<p>"Oh, you shut up," she retorted. "But it would be awfully nice...."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The spaceship <i>Dirty Shame</i> blasted off from the spaceport in a -blaze of fire and smoke. Lamps O'Toole and Snake Simpson were at the -controls, and neither of them was feeling much like talking. So, for -the most part as they pushed the buttons and turned the switches that -headed the ship out into space, they were quiet.</p> - -<p>After a while Snake spoke up. "We're going to miss the old dame," he -ventured as they pulled dear of Earth's atmosphere.</p> - -<p>"Keep your trap shut," growled Lamps.</p> - -<p>"Yes, sir, if I just close my eyes, I can still see the old gal, -standing there at the micrafoam, giving that old Commodore the -business. And you standing next to her, your mouth hanging out a mile."</p> - -<p>Lamps gave the ship more velocity than was necessary. "Mind your own -business, Snake."</p> - -<p>"And I can hear them funny shoes of hers, clip clopping down the -corridor, bringing us a batch of fresh biscuits." Snake sat bolt -upright in his chair. "Lord a-massy, if I can't even smell them -biscuits right now!"</p> - -<p>Lamps let out a curse. "Now, see what you done, Snake? You got me so -riled up I can smell 'em too."</p> - -<p>Both of them stopped, sniffed long and hard, and then let out a whoop. -Throwing the <i>Dirty Shame</i> into full automatic, they dashed for the -kitchen.</p> - -<p>There, stooping over, peering into the oven, was a silver-haired, -little old lady.</p> - -<p>"Grandma!" they yelled in unison. "What are you doing here!"</p> - -<p>Giving them her richest smile, she said, "Well, boys, I didn't raise a -family of ten without knowing that hungry men need good, solid food. So -I...."</p> - -<p>It took a while and it took some wile and some of the best of Grandma's -talking, but finally it was agreed by all hands that she would be -allowed to remain on board, at least until they could get her back to -Earth. And, in the end, the fresh batch of hot biscuits were probably -her best argument.</p> - -<p>After dinner, just before she headed to her cabin to slip off into a -sound sleep, Lamps stopped her for one final question.</p> - -<p>"Say, Grandma, I know this maybe sounds funny. But whatever in the -world did you do to that suppressor ray?"</p> - -<p>"Whatever do you mean?" answered Grandma with great innocence.</p> - -<p>"Well, Professor Spindle, he looked at it, cussed at it, pulled it -apart, said it couldn't possibly work, then all of a sudden he gave a -big laugh and packed the whole contraption off to his laboratory. And I -just wondered...."</p> - -<p>Grandma Perkins snickered. "Lamps," she told him, "Promise me -faithfully you won't tell a soul?" Lamps nodded.</p> - -<p>"Well, sir, you've got a great deal to learn about women. You see, -there just isn't anything made that a smart woman can't fix with a -hairpin."</p> - -<p>And plopping one last biscuit into his mouth for him, she clip-clopped -down the corridor and off to bed.</p> - - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Grandma Perkins and the Space Pirates, by -James McConnell - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GRANDMA PERKINS AND THE SPACE PIRATES *** - -***** This file should be named 63812-h.htm or 63812-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/6/3/8/1/63812/ - -Produced by Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Grandma Perkins and the Space Pirates - -Author: James McConnell - -Release Date: November 19, 2020 [EBook #63812] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GRANDMA PERKINS AND THE SPACE PIRATES *** - - - - -Produced by Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - - - - GRANDMA PERKINS AND THE SPACE PIRATES - - By JAMES McCONNELL - - _Raven-haired, seductive Darling Toujours' - smoke-and-flame eyes kindled sparks in hearts - all over the universe. But it took sweet old - Grandma Perkins, of the pirate ship_ Dirty - Shame, _to set the Jupiter moons on fire_. - - [Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from - Planet Stories March 1954. - Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that - the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.] - - -"I can always get along with a man if he remembers who he is," said -Darling Toujours, the raven-haired, creamy-skinned televideo actress -whose smoke-and-flame eyes lit fires in hearts all over the solar -system. She was credited with being the most beautiful woman alive and -there were few who dared to contradict her when she mentioned it. - -"And I can always get along with a woman if she remembers who _I_ am," -replied Carlton E. Carlton, the acid-tongued author whose biting novels -had won him universal fame. He leaned his thin, bony body back into the -comfort of an overstuffed chair and favored the actress with a wicked -smile. - -The two of them were sitting in the finest lounge of the luxury space -ship _Kismet_, enjoying postprandial cocktails with Captain Homer -Fogarty, the _Kismet's_ rotund commanding officer. The _Kismet_ was -blasting through space at close to the speed of light, bound from -Callisto, one of Jupiter's moons, back to Earth. But none of the two -hundred Earthbound passengers were conscious of the speed at all. - -Darling Toujours waved a long cigarette holder at the author. "Don't -pay any attention to him, Captain. You know how writers are--always -putting words in other people's mouths, and not very good ones at that." - -"Do you mean not very good words or not very good mouths, my dear?" -Carlton asked. The solar system's most famous actress clamped her -scarlet lips shut with rage. It would take someone like Carlton E. -Carlton, she knew, to point out the one minor blemish in an otherwise -perfect body--her slightly over-sized mouth. - -She began to wish that she had never left Callisto, that she had -cancelled her passage on the _Kismet_ when she learned that Carlton -was to be a fellow passenger. But her studio had wired her to return -to Earth immediately to make a new series of three dimensional video -films. And the _Kismet_ was the only first class space ship flying to -Earth for two weeks. So she had kept her ticket in spite of Carlton. - -"I must say that I think Miss Toujours has the prettiest mouth I've -ever seen," boomed Captain Fogarty, his voice sounding something like -a cross between a foghorn and a steam whistle. And he was not merely -being gallant, for many a lonely night as he flew the darkness between -Earth and the many planets, he had dreamed of caressing those lips. - -"And I think you are definitely a man of discriminating taste," said -Darling demurely, crossing her legs and arranging her dress to expose a -little more of the Toujours charms to the Captain's eye. - -Carlton smiled casually at the exposed flesh. "It's all very pretty, -my dear," he said smugly. "But we've seen it all before and in space -you're supposed to act like a lady, if you can act that well." - -Darling Toujours drew back her hand to smack Carlton one in a very -unlady-like manner when she suddenly realized that they were not alone. -Her hand froze, poised elegantly in mid-air, as she turned to see a -newcomer standing at the door. - - * * * * * - -The witness to the impending slap was a withered little lady, scarcely -five feet tall, with silvered hair, eyes that twinkled like a March -wind, and a friendly rash of wrinkles that gave her face the kindly, -weathered appearance of an old stone idol. Her slight figure was lost -in volumes of black cloth draped on her in a manner that had gone out -of style at least fifty years before. The little woman coughed politely. - -"I beg your pardon," she told them in a sweet, high little voice. -"I hope I didn't interrupt anything. If you would like to hit the -gentleman, Miss Toujours, I'll be glad to come back later." - -Darling Toujours opened her violet eyes wide in surprise. "Why, I -was ... I was ... I--" The actress uttered a small, gulping sound as -she recovered her poise. "Why, I was just going to pat him on the cheek -for being such a nice boy. You are a nice boy, aren't you, Carlton?" -She leaned forward to stroke him gently on the face. Carlton roared -with laughter and the good Captain colored deeply. - -"Oh," said the little old woman, "I'm sorry. I didn't know that he was -your son." Carlton choked suddenly and Darling suffered from a brief -fit of hysteria. - -The Captain took command. "Now, look here, Madam," he sputtered. "What -is it you want?" - -"I really wanted to see you, Captain," she told him, her battered old -shoes bringing her fully into the room with little mincing steps. "The -Purser says I have to sign a contract of some kind with you, and I -wanted to know how to write my name. I'm Mrs. Omar K. Perkins, but you -see, I'm really Mrs. Matilda Perkins because my Omar died a few years -ago. But I haven't signed my name very much since then and I'm not at -all sure of which is legal." She put one bird-like little hand to -her throat and clasped the cameo there almost as if it could give her -support. She looked so small and so frail that Fogarty forgave her the -intrusion. - -"It really doesn't make much difference how you sign the thing, just so -long as you sign it," he blustered. "Just a mere formality anyway. You -just sign it any way you like." He paused, hoping that she would leave -now that she had her information. - -"Oh, I'm so glad to hear that," she said, but made no move whatsoever -to leave. Captain Fogarty gave her his hardened stare of the type which -withered most people where they stood. Mrs. Perkins just smiled sweetly -at him. - -His rage getting out of hand, he finally blurted, "And now, Mrs. -Perkins, I think you'd better be getting back to your quarters. As you -know, this is a private lounge for the _first_ class passengers." - -Mrs. Perkins continued to smile at him. "Yes, I know. It's lovely, -isn't it? I'll just go out this way." And before anyone could stop her, -she had moved to the door to Darling Toujours' suite and had opened it, -stepping inside. - -"That's my room, not the door out," Darling said loudly. - -"So I see," said Mrs. Perkins, staring at the opulent furnishings -with avid pleasure. "It's such a pretty thing, all done up with -mother-of-pearl like that, isn't it? And what a pretty lace nightie -lying on the bed." Mrs. Perkins picked up the sheer, gossamer garment -to examine it. "You do wear something under it, don't you?" - -Darling screeched and darted for the door. She snatched the nightie -away from Mrs. Perkins and rudely propelled the older woman out the -door, closing it behind her. "Captain, this woman must GO!" - -"I was just leaving, Miss Toujours. I hope you and your son have a very -happy voyage. Good day, Captain Fogarty," she called over her shoulder -as she exited. Carlton E. Carlton's shrill laughter followed her down -the companionway. - - * * * * * - -Mrs. Perkins had been lying in her berth reading for less than an hour -when the knock sounded at her door. She would have preferred to sit up -and read, but her cabin was so small that there was no room for any -other furniture besides the bed. - -"Come in," she called in a small voice. - -Johnny Weaver, steward for the cheaper cabins, poked his youthful, -freckled face through the door. "Howdy, Mrs. Perkins. I wondered if I -could do anything for you? It's about ten minutes before we eat." - -"Well, you can pull that big box down from the top shelf there, if you -don't mind. And, I wonder, would you mind calling me Grandma? All my -children do it and I miss it so." She gave him a wrinkled smile that -was at once wistful and petulant. - -Johnny laughed in an easy, infectious manner. "Sure thing, Grandma." -He stretched his long arms up to bring down the heavy bag and found -himself wondering just how it had gotten up there in the first place. -He didn't remember ever putting it there for her and Grandma Perkins -was obviously too frail a woman to have handled such a heavy box by -herself. He put it on the floor. - -As she stooped over and extracted a pair of low-heeled, black and -battered shoes from the box, she asked him, "Johnny, what was that -paper I signed this afternoon?" - -"Oh, that? Why that was just a contract for passage, Grandma. You -guaranteed to pay them so much for the flight, which you've already -done, and they guaranteed that you wouldn't be put off against your -will until you reached your destination." - -"But why do we have to have a contract?" - -Johnny leaned back, relaxing against the door. "Well, STAR--that's -Stellar Transportation and Atomic Research, you know--is one of -the thirteen monopolies in this part of the solar system. The "Big -Thirteen," we call them. STAR charters every space flight in this neck -of the woods. Well, back in the old days, when space flights were -scarce, it used to be that you'd pay for a ticket from Saturn to Earth, -say, and you'd get to Mars and they'd stop for fuel. Maybe somebody -on Mars would offer a lot of money for your cabin. So STAR would just -bump you off, refund part of your money and leave you stranded there. -In order to get the monopoly, they had to promise to stop all that. And -the Solar Congress makes them sign contracts guaranteeing you that they -won't put you off against your wishes. Of course, they don't dare do it -anymore anyway, but that's the law." - -Grandma Perkins sighed. "It's such a small cabin I don't think anybody -else would want it. But it's all that I could afford," she said, -smoothing out the wrinkles in her dress with both hands. - -"Anything else I can do for you, Grandma?" - -"No, thank you, Johnny. I think I can make it up the steps to the -dining room by myself." - -A little while later when Johnny looked into her room to see if she had -gone, the cabin was empty and the heavy box was back in place in the -top cabinet. - - * * * * * - -The food that evening was not the very best, Grandma Perkins thought to -herself, but that was mostly due to her seat. By the time the waiter -got around to her little cranny most of it was cold. But she didn't -complain. She enjoyed watching the people with the more expensive -cabins parade their clothes and their manners at the Captain's table. -And, it must be admitted, she was more than a trifle envious of them. -Her acquaintances of the afternoon, Miss Toujours and Mr. Carlton, were -seated there, Miss Toujours having the place of honor to the Captain's -right. - -Grandma watched them as they finished up their food and then she moved -from her little table over to one of the very comfortable sofas in the -main lounge. In reality she wasn't supposed to be sitting there, but -she hoped that she could get away with it. The divans were so much more -comfortable than her hard, narrow bed that she felt like sitting there -for a long time, by herself, just thinking. - -But her hopes met with disappointment. For shortly after she sat down, -Darling Toujours and Carlton E. Carlton strolled over and sat down -across from her, not recognizing her at first. Then Carlton spied her. - -"Darling! There's that priceless little woman we met this afternoon." - -"The little hag, you mean," Miss Toujours muttered under her breath, -but loudly enough for Grandma Perkins to hear. - -"Why, hello, Miss Toujours. And Mr. Carlton too. I hope you'll forgive -me for this afternoon. I've found out who you were, you see." - -"Of course we forgive you, Mrs. Jerkins," Darling said throatily, -baring her teeth like a feline. - -"My name is Perkins," Grandma smiled. - -"I hope you don't mind, Toujours, but you know, you remind me a great -deal of my grandniece, Agatha. She was undoubtedly the most lovely -child I've ever seen." - -"Why, thank you, Mrs. Perkins," Darling purred, starting to preen just -a bit. Anything could be forgiven someone who complimented her. - -"Of course, Agatha never was quite bright," Grandma said as she turned -her head aside as if in sorrow. "They were all set to put her in an -institution when she ran off and married the lizard man in a carnival. -I believe she's still appearing in the show as the bearded lady. A -pity. She was so pretty, just like you." - -Darling Toujours muttered a few choice words under her breath. - -"But we must all make the best of things as they come. That's what -Omar, my husband, used to say." Grandma paused to wipe away a small -tear that had gotten lodged in one of her eyes. "That reminds me," she -said finally, "I've got a three dimensional picture of Omar right here. -And pictures of all my children, my ten lovely children. I brought them -with me specially tonight because I thought you might want to look at -them. Now, where did I put them?" Grandma opened her purse and began -rummaging around in its voluminous confines. - -Darling and Carlton exchanged horrified glances and then rose silently -and tip-toed out of the lounge. - -Grandma looked up from her search. "Oh, my, they seem to have gone." - -Johnny Weaver, who had been clearing one of the nearby tables, put down -a stack of dirty dishes and came over to her. "I'd like to see the -pictures, Grandma." - -"Oh, that's very nice of you, Johnny, but--" she said quickly. - -"Really I would, Grandma. Where are they?" - -"I--" She stopped and the devilment showed in her eyes. Her withered -little face pursed itself into a smile. "There aren't any pictures, -Johnny. I don't carry any. I know their faces all so well I don't have -to. But any time I want to get rid of somebody I just offer to show -them pictures of my family. You'd be surprised how effective it is." - -Johnny laughed. "Why are you going to Earth, anyway, Grandma?" - -The old woman sighed. "It's a long story, Johnny, but you just sit down -and I'll tell it to you." - -"I can't sit down in the lounge, but I'll be glad to stand up and -listen." - -"Then I'll make it a short story. You see, Johnny, I'm an old woman. -I'll be 152 this year. And ever since Omar, my husband, died a few -years ago, I've lived from pillar to post. First with one child and -then with another. They've all been married for decades now of course, -with children and grandchildren of their own. And I guess that I just -get in their way. There just isn't much left in life for a feeble old -woman like me." She sniffled a moment or two as if to cry. Johnny, -remembering the heavy box in her cabin that got moved up and down -without his help, suppressed a smile on the word "feeble." - -"There aren't many friends my age left around any more. So I'm being -sent to Earth to a home full of dear, sweet old ladies my age, the -money for which is being provided by my dear, sweet children--all ten -of them." Grandma dabbed a bit of a handkerchief at her eyes. "The -rats," she muttered under her breath. When she saw her companion was -smiling she dropped her pretense of crying. - -"To be truthful, Johnny, they've grown old and stodgy, all of them. -And I'm sure they think I've lost most of my marbles. Everything I did -embarrassed them, so I guess it's for the best, but--" - -Grandma Perkins never finished the sentence, for interrupting her came -the horrendous clang of the _Kismet's_ general alarm, and on its heels, -charging through the main salon like a rhinoceros in heat, came Captain -Fogarty. - -"PIRATES! PIRATES! We're being attacked by space pirates! You there!" -he shouted at Johnny. "Man your station! And you, Madam, to your -quarters at once! PIRATES!" he shouted again and barged through the -door again and bellowed down the hall to the main bridge. - -Johnny was off like a startled rabbit, but Grandma moved with serene -calmness to the door. Maybe, she thought, we're going to have a little -excitement after all. - -At the door to the steps leading to her downstairs cabin she paused to -think. - -"If I go down and hide, I'll miss all the fun. Of course, it's safer, -and an old woman like me shouldn't be up and about when pirates are -around, but--" A delicious smile spread over her face as she took her -scruples firmly in hand and turned to follow the bellowing Captain -towards the bridge. - - - II - -The Starship _Kismet_ was the pride and joy of Stellar Transportation -and Atomic Research. It was outfitted with every known safety device -and the control room was masterfully planned for maximum efficiency. -But the astral architect who designed her never anticipated the -situation facing her at the present. The _Kismet's_ bridge was a welter -of confusion. - -The Senior Watch Officer was shouting at his assistant, the Navigator -was cursing out the Pilot and the Gunnery Officer, whose job had been -a sinecure until now, was bellowing at them all. Above the hubbub, -suddenly, came the raucous voice of Captain Fogarty as he stalked onto -the bridge. - -"What in great space has happened to the motors? Why are we losing -speed?" - -The Senior Watch Officer saluted and shouted, "Engine Room reports the -engines have all stopped, Sir. Don't know why. We're operating the -lights and vents on emergency power." - -The Communications Officer spoke up. "The pirate ship reports that -they're responsible, Sir. They say they've got a new device that will -leave us without atomic power for as long as they like." - -As if to confirm this, over the loudspeaker came a voice. "Ahoy, STAR -_Kismet_. Stand by for boarders. If you don't open up to us, we'll -blast you off the map." - -"Pirates! Attacking us! Incredible!" cried the Captain. "There are no -pirates any more. What have we got a Space Patrol for? Where in blazes -is the Space Patrol anyway?" - -The Communications Officer gulped. "Er, ah, we got in contact with -Commodore Trumble. He says his ship can get here in ten hours anyway, -and for us to wait for him." - -Captain Fogarty snorted. "Fat lot of good he'll do us. Wait for him, -eh? Well, we'll just blow that pirate out of the sky right now. Stand -by the guns!" - -"The guns are useless," whined the Gunnery Officer. "The atomics that -run them won't operate at all. What will we do?" - -"Ahoy, STAR _Kismet_. Open up your hatches when we arrive and let us -in, or we won't spare a man of you," boomed the loudspeaker. - -"Pirates going to board us. How nice," muttered Grandma to herself as -she eavesdropped just outside the door to the bridge. - -"They'll never get through the hatches alive. At least our small arms -still work. We'll kill 'em all!" cried Captain Fogarty. - -"We only want one of you. All the rest of you will be spared if you -open up the hatches and don't try to make no trouble," came the voice -over the radio. - -"Tell them I'd rather all of us be killed than to let one dirty pirate -on board my ship," the Captain shouted to the Communications Officer. - -"Oh, my goodness. That doesn't sound very smart," Grandma said half -aloud. And turning from the doorway, she crept back through the -deserted passageway. - -The main passenger hatch was not too far from the bridge. Grandma found -it with ease, and in less than three minutes she had zipped herself -into one of the emergency-use space suits stowed away beside the port. -She felt awfully awkward climbing into the monstrous steel and plastic -contraption, and her small body didn't quite fit the proportions of the -metallic covering. But once she had maneuvered herself into it, she -felt quite at ease. - -Opening the inner door to the airlock, she clanked into the little -room. As the door shut behind her, she pressed the cycling button and -evacuated the air from the lock. - -A minute or so later she heard poundings outside the airlock and quite -calmly she reached out a mailed fist and turned a switch plainly -marked: - - EMERGENCY LOCK - DO NOT OPERATE IN FLIGHT - -The outer hatch opened almost immediately. The radio in Grandma's suit -crackled with static. "What are you doing here?" demanded a voice over -the suit radio. - -"Pirates! I'm hiding from the pirates. They'll never find me here!" she -told them in a voice she hoped sounded full of panic. - -"What's your name?" asked the voice. - -"Darling Toujours, famous television actress," she lied quite calmly. - -"That's the one, boys," said another voice. "Let's go." Catching hold -of Grandma's arm, they led her out into the emptiness of free space. - - * * * * * - -Half an hour later, after the pirate ship had blasted far enough away -from the _Kismet_, the men in the control room relaxed and began to -take off their space suits. One of the men who Grandma soon learned was -Lamps O'Toole, the nominal leader of the pirates, stretched his brawny -body to ease the crinks out of it and then rubbed his hands together. -Grandma noticed that he carried a week's beard on his face, as did most -of the other men. - -"Well, that was a good one, eh, Snake?" said Lamps. - -Snake Simpson was a wiry little man whose tough exterior in no way -suggested a reptile, except, perhaps, for his eyes which sat too close -to one another. "You bet, Skipper. We're full fledged pirates now, just -like old Captain Blackbrood." - -"You mean Blackbeard, Snake," said Lamps. - -"Sure. He used to sit around broodin' up trouble all the time." - -One of the other men piped up. "And to think we get the pleasurable -company of the sweetest doll in the whole solar system for free besides -the money." - -"Aw, women are no dern good--all of them," said Snake. - -"Now, Snake, that's no way to talk in front of company. You just -apologize to the lady," Lamps told him. Lamps was six inches taller and -fifty pounds heavier than Snake. Snake apologized. - -"That's better. And now, Miss Toujours, maybe you'd be more -comfortable without that space suit on," he said. - -"Oh, no, thank you. I feel much better with it on," a small voice said -over the suit's loudspeaker system. - -Lamps grinned. "Oh, come now, Miss Toujours. We ain't going to hurt -you. I guarantee nobody will lay a finger to you." - -"But I feel much--much safer, if you know what I mean," said the voice. - -"Heck. With one of them things on, you can't eat, can't sleep, -can't--Well, there's lots of things you can't do with one of them -things on. Besides, we all want to take a little look at you, if you -don't mind. Snake, you and Willie help the little lady out of her -attire." - -As the men approached her, Grandma sensed the game was up. "Okay," she -told them. "I give up. I can make it by myself." She started to take -the bulky covering off. She had gotten no more than the headpiece off -when the truth dawned on her companions. - -"Holy Smoke (or something like that)," said one of the men. - -"Nippin' Nebulae," said another. - -"It ain't Darling Toujours at all!" cried Lamps. - -"It ain't even no woman!" cried Snake. - -"I beg your pardon," said Grandma, and quite nonchalantly shed the rest -of the suit and sat down in a comfortable chair. "I am Mrs. Matilda -Perkins." - -When he could recover his powers of speech, Lamps sputtered, "I think -you owe us a sort of an explanation, lady. If you know what I mean." - -"Certainly. I know exactly what you mean. It's all quite simple. When I -overheard that you intended to board the _Kismet_, searching for only -one person, I decided that one person had to be Darling Toujours. I -guessed right off that she was the only one on board worth kidnapping -and holding for ransom, so I simply let you believe that I was she and -you took me. That's easy to understand, isn't it?" - -"Lady, I don't know what your game is, but it better be good. Now, just -why did you do this to us?" Lamps was restraining himself nobly. - -"You never would have gotten inside the _Kismet_ without my assistance. -And even if you had, you'd never have gotten back out alive. - -"Captain Fogarty's men would have cut you to ribbons. So I opened the -hatch to let you in, planted myself in the way, and you got out with -me before they could muster their defenses. So, you see, I saved your -lives." - -Grandma Perkins paused in her narrative and looked up at her audience, -giving them a withered little smile. "And if you want to know why, -well ... I was bored on the _Kismet_, and I thought how nice it would -be to run away and join a gang of cutthroat pirates." - -"She's batty," moaned Snake. - -"She's lost her marbles," muttered another. - -"Let's toss her overboard right now," said still another. - -Lamps O'Toole took the floor. "Now, wait a minute. We can't do that," -he said loudly. "We got enough trouble as is. You know what would -happen to us if the Space Patrol added murder to the list. They'd put -the whole fleet in after us and track us and our families down to the -last kid." Then he turned to the little old lady to explain. - -"Look, lady--" - -"My name is Mrs. Matilda Perkins. You may call me Grandma." - -"Okay, Grandma, look. You really fixed us good. To begin with, we ain't -really pirates. We used to operate this tub as a freighter between the -Jupiter moons. But STAR got a monopoly on all space flights, including -freight, and they just froze us out. We can't operate nowhere in the -solar system, unless we get their permission. And they just ain't -giving permission to nobody these days." Lamps flopped into one of the -control seats and lit a cigarette. - -"So, when us good, honest men couldn't find any work because of STAR, -and we didn't want to give up working in space, we just ups and decides -to become pirates. This was our first job, and we sure did need the -money we could have gotten out of Darling Toujours' studios for ransom." - -Lamps sighed. "Now, we got you instead, no chance of getting the ransom -money, and to top it all off, we'll be wanted for piracy by the Space -Patrol." - -"Well, it doesn't seem to me that you're ever going to be good pirates -at this rate," Grandma told him. "You should have known better than to -take a woman at her word." - -"I don't suppose you got any rich relatives what would pay to get you -back?" suggested Snake hopefully. - -"I haven't got any rich relatives period," she said pertly. Then she -added, "But my ten children might scrape up a little cash for you if -you promised you wouldn't bring me back at all." - -"I figured as much," Lamps said dolefully. "Lookit, Grandma, the best -thing we can do is to put you off safely at the next place we stop. -Unless we get you back in one piece the Space Patrol will be on our -necks forever. So don't go getting any ideas about joining up with us." - -"Well, the very least you could do for a poor old lady is to feed her," -Grandma told him, her lower lip sticking out in a most petulant manner. -"They like to have starved me to death on that _Kismet_." - -"We ain't got much fancy in the line of grub...." Lamps began. - -"Just show me the way to the kitchen," said Grandma. - - - III - -A full meal and three extra helpings of hot biscuits later, Grandma, -Lamps and Snake were sitting around in the captain's cabin talking. - -"... and that's the way it is, Grandma. When STAR froze us out of work, -we just took our ship here and became pirates." Lamps stuffed one more -of Grandma's biscuits into his mouth. - -"But where'd you get that fancy gadget that stopped the Kismet's -engines from running?" Grandma asked, passing the plate to Snake. - -Snake took a biscuit and passed the plate back. "That's our Suggestor -Ray. Perfessor Spindle, he invented it. He invents a lot of things. -He's got a lavoratory at our hideout." - -"You mean laboratory, Snake. But who's Professor Spindle?" Grandma -asked. - -Snake wolfed the biscuit down in one mighty gulp. "He used to work for -STAR until they stole a couple of his inventions and wouldn't pay him -for them. So he come to work for us. He fixed up the suggestor ray in -no time." - -"You mean suppressor ray," muttered Lamps, his mouth full. - -"That's right. We get close to another space ship and turn it on and it -suggests that the engines don't work. Perfessor Spindle, he shedded our -engines so they'd work even with it on." - -"You mean shielded," said Grandma. - -"That's right. He put a big shed over the engines to shed out the -suggestor rays." As Snake leaned over to pick up the remaining biscuit -from the plate in front of him, a locket slipped out of the neck of -his shirt. Grandma saw the picture of a pretty blonde girl in it, and -attached to the chain was a wedding ring. Snake noticed her looking at -it. "That's my wife. We was married when we was awful young. But she -up and flewed the coop on me about a year after we was married. Awful -pretty, she was." - -"She reminds me of someone," said Grandma. - -Lamps leaned back in his chair and propped his feet up on the desk. -"You know, Grandma, you sure do bake fine biscuits. Maybe we'll stop in -and see you sometimes at that old folks home and you can fix us some -more. Yes, sir, you sure can cook." - -Grandma Perkins saw her opening and seized upon it. "You sure could use -a woman's touch on this ship. Why, this is the dirtiest ship I've ever -seen, and--" - -"Aw, now, Grandma. You know we never could have a female on a pirate -ship. And we got to get you back to safety before the Space Patrol has -us in the coop for good. And what would your ten children say--" - -Lamps was saved from further explanation when the door to the cabin -burst open and Willie Wicket, the youngest of the pirates, dashed in. - -"Captain Lamps! There's a Space Patrol ship bearing down on our tail -hell bent for leather!" - -Lamps jumped to his feet, as did Snake. "Well, turn on the suppressor -ray. That ought to fix it!" - -"I turned on the ray and they're still a-coming!" wailed Willie. - -"Oh, Lordy, Lordy! Professor Spindle told us this would happen, and we -didn't believe him. That must be one of the new patrol ships," Lamps -moaned as he, Snake and Grandma rushed for the control room. En route -Grandma was told that the newest patrol ships had a special kind of -shielding that made them invulnerable to the Spindle suppressor ray. - -Lamps, Snake, Willie and the rest of the crew took turns at trying -to out-maneuver the patrol craft, but it had far too much speed for -the slower craft, and it became obvious within a few minutes that the -pirate ship was doomed to be captured. - -Then Grandma spoke up. "Where's that suppressor ray of yours, Lamps?" - -"Over there in the corner of the control panel by the televideo set, -but don't monkey with it," he told her in the middle of a stream of -curses at his ancient vessel. He slammed his hands around the control -board frantically trying to elude the oncoming patrol craft. Grandma -ignored his warning and quickly pried off the top of the box containing -the suppressor mechanism. - -A brilliant burst of atomic energy lit the control room. "They're -firing at us!" cried Lamps. "Man the guns, men!" - - * * * * * - -The crew was so busy executing this order that none of them saw exactly -what Grandma was doing until Willie, who was manning the radar screen, -suddenly shouted, "Captain Lamps! The patrol ship's stopped!" - -"Of course it's stopped," Grandma said indignantly. "I just fixed -your old dingus here so it'd work right. And it's going to stay fixed -until I can get you out of trouble." She crossed her arms and stared -adamantly at Lamps who was so shocked he could scarcely move. - -Then she pointed her finger. "Willie, you come over here and turn -this televideo on and get me in touch with that patrol ship right -away. We've got some things to settle." Willie looked at Lamps for -permission, but the captain of the pirate craft was still too stunned -to do more than nod his head. Willie walked to the set and began to -fiddle with the dials. - -Snake broke the silence and asked the question they all wanted to ask. -"Grandma, how come you could fix that Suggestory Ray?" - -"Young man," she snapped, "I had ten children, like I told you. One of -them, Franklin, my next to oldest boy, was a physicist. And you don't -help put a boy through college physics without learning something about -how to fiddle with electronics." Lamps felt faint. - -The screen of the televideo lit up. "Hello, Patrol Ship! Hello, Patrol -Ship!" Willie called over the microphone. - -The chubby face of a middle aged man appeared on the screen. His cap -carried enough gold braid to stock a small-sized mint. "Hello, Pirate," -he cried. "This is Commodore Trumble of the Space Patrol on board the -cruiser _Faultless_. What in blue blazes have you done to my ship!" - -"Give me that microphone, Willie," Grandma said, taking the device away -from him. She moved over to the screen. "Hello, Commodore. This is Mrs. -Omar Perkins on board the pirate ship--" She stopped and turned to -Lamps. "What is the name of this tub?" she asked. - -"It's--it's the _Lulu Belle_," he said, turning his head aside as if in -shame. - -"That's hardly a fit name for a pirate ship," Grandma told him, turning -back to the televideo. "That's a sissy name." - -"That's her name, and that's what it's going to--" - -Grandma ignored him. "Hello, Commodore. This is Mrs. Omar Perkins on -board the pirate ship _Dirty Shame_." - -Lamps groaned audibly. - -"Are you the one they kidnapped from the _Kismet_?" - -"That's right, Commodore. And now I'm ready to go back." - -"What are you doing at the microphone? Who's in command of the _Dirty -Shame_?" The Commodore looked near apoplexy. - -"I am, for the moment," Grandma told him. Lamps groaned again, this -time louder. "And I want you to do me a favor. Please get Captain -Fogarty on your long-distance video right away. I want to talk to him." - -The Commodore screamed, "I'll do nothing of the kind! What have you -done to the _Faultless_? What are those pirates doing?" - -Grandma smiled at him. "Well, right now they're getting ready to blow a -hole right in the side of your ship. And I don't know that I can stop -them if you don't do what I say." - -"What!" shouted the Commodore. - -"And I don't believe your guns are working too well with your atomics -out of order, so I'd suggest that you get Captain Fogarty on the video -right away." - -The Commodore ranted, he bellowed and he raved, but in less than a -minute, Captain Fogarty's face appeared on the screen, relayed from the -more powerful communications center on the _Faultless_. - -"Good evening, Captain Fogarty. This is Mrs. Omar Perkins on board the -pirate craft _Dirty Shame_." - -Fogarty harrumped. "Oh, it's you. Well, I'm glad to see that you're -safe. Did the Commodore rescue you?" - -"Well, you could put it that way, I guess. Where is the _Kismet_ now?" -she asked. - -"Heading for Earth as scheduled, if it's any of your business. Why?" - -Grandma gave him a twinkling grin. "Well, I don't think you'd better -land without me. So you just hold your horses till I get back aboard." - -"I'll do nothing of the kind. I can't help it if one of the poorer -paying passengers gets herself kidnapped. The Space Patrol has plenty -of room. They can just bring you in. I've got a schedule to meet." - -Grandma pretended to yawn. "I wouldn't advise your landing on Earth -without me. Or landing anywhere, for that matter. You know, Stellar -Transportation signed a contract with me guaranteeing that I wouldn't -be put off the ship against my will and promising to deliver me to -Earth this trip. If I'm not aboard when you land, that contract is -broken and so is STAR'S monopoly. So you go right ahead without me. I -figure I could make about a million dollars off the law suit myself if -you do." - - * * * * * - -Captain Fogarty exploded. "I ... I ..." he stammered, then turned -away from the screen. Grandma could hear a hasty conversation between -him and the _Kismet's_ legal officer. In a moment he returned to the -screen, a broad but very forced grin on his face. "Why, Mrs. Perkins, -we wouldn't think of landing without you. Please tell Commodore Trumble -that we'll be waiting for you." - -"But I just might not feel like coming, Captain," Grandma said demurely. - -"Tell Commodore Trumble I said he had to bring you back immediately!" -blustered Fogarty. "And I hope he wrings those pirates' necks!" - -Grandma put on her most pained expression. But to Lamps, Snake and the -rest of the men still standing in awe, it was obvious that she was -enjoying every minute of it. - -"I don't think Commodore Trumble has much to say about it. You see, the -pirates captured him and the entire crew of the _Faultless_ just before -he called you. So the pirates would be the ones who'd have to bring me -back. And I'm sure they wouldn't do that unless they were sure I'd be -well taken care of." - -"I don't believe it!" cried Fogarty. "Trumble, say it isn't so!" - -There came a slight sputtering on the circuit. "Well, Fogarty, I ... -well ... that is, I--" - -"Oh, no," moaned Fogarty. - -Grandma smiled prettily. "Now, then, about my accommodations. You know -that lovely mother-of-pearl suite that Miss Toujours has? Well, I think -I ought to have that suite. I'm far too old to be climbing all those -stairs and that other cabin was so small." She looked up a bit, as if -in a blissful reverie. "Miss Toujours has to rush back to make some new -pictures, and I'm sure that she wouldn't like to be delayed in space -for weeks and weeks. So you might have her leave me a set of those lacy -nighties, too. They looked so nice. And I'll have to have her seat -at the Captain's table too, of course. And I'd need my own private -steward. Johnny Weaver will do nicely, I think. And--" - -Grandma, the morose Captain and the _Kismet's_ legal officer finally -straightened matters out. In return for the granting of her every -whim for the rest of the voyage, Grandma agreed to return to the ship -and free Stellar Transportation from any liability arising from her -kidnapping. She was almost glowing over it all, but it was a beaten and -broken Fogarty who finally broke the video circuit some minutes later. - -Turning to the crew of the _Dirty Shame_, Grandma smiled with great -innocence. "Now, wasn't it nice of them to go to all that trouble over -a little old lady like me," she said. - -Lamps grinned. "You sure fixed them, Grandma. But what a pack of -trouble you got us into with the law. What are we going to do with -Trumble and the _Faultless_ out there? The Space Patrol will chase us -the rest of our lives for pulling a fast one like this." - -Grandma snapped her fingers. "I knew there was something I had -forgotten." She turned back to the video set. "Hello, Commodore -Trumble," she called. - -"Well, I hope you're satisfied," came the booming voice of the -Commodore. - -"No, not quite. There's a small matter of amnesty for the crew of the -_Dirty Shame_. If you'll just make out the papers giving them a full -pardon for this whole affair, everything will be just fine." - -Grandma winced at the language he used in reply. On the tail of the -last string of curses, he added, "I won't do it. What do you think I -am, an idiot?" - -"We won't discuss the subject just at the moment, Commodore. But, -really, you wouldn't want the story to get out that the big, brave, -fearless Commodore Trumble got himself out-foxed by a poor little -innocent old lady like me, would you? Silence comes dear, as my husband -used to say to me." - -"I--I--" - -"And I see that the boys here have got that gun pointed in your -direction again. The Space Patrol wouldn't be too happy if you brought -the _Faultless_ back with a few big holes in her sides, would they. And -I don't know if I can stop the boys--" - -The Commodore turned green, then purple, then a trifle black in -the face. "I can't do it. It--it isn't legal. I--I haven't got the -authority." - -Grandma silenced him with a wave of her hand. "Of course you have. In -the case of the Space Patrol vs. Pickens and Poof, the Solar Supreme -Court ruled that Patrol Commodores, while in space, have the power -to grant complete amnesty to any deserving citizens who merit it. I -didn't put my eldest son Wade through law school without learning -something about the subject. Furthermore, in the case of Higgins vs. -Abercrombie--" - -"All right. I give up. You win." The Commodore retired from the video -screen, tears in his eyes. - -A few hours later the _Dirty Shame_ hove into sight of the _Kismet_. -Grandma Perkins put on her space suit again and prepared to head back -to the luxury liner, but not before she and her boys had had a small -celebration, the high spot of which was another batch of fresh-baked -biscuits. - -Grandma then told them all good-bye and insisted on kissing each -of them on their cheeks in spite of the beards. She then explained -that she hated to go off and leave them like this, but that she had -a contract to live up to and that she always kept her bargains. But -anyway they had their pardons now and they probably wouldn't need -her--much. - -And it must be reported that as the tiny little figure, safe in the -over-sized space suit, drifted across the void that separated the two -ships, more than one of the grizzled crew turned aside to wipe his eyes -on a dirty sleeve. - - - IV - -It is doubtful that anyone ever enjoyed a trip on the _Kismet_ as -much as Grandma Perkins did hers. Johnny waited on her hand and foot, -she was served first at the table and she kept up a running flow of -brilliant conversation. And if Captain Fogarty seemed to enjoy his -meals less the latter part of the voyage than he had the first part, -only the more malicious of the passengers dared to connect his loss of -appetite with his new-found guest of honor. - -All in all the rest of the trip was a fairly uneventful one for -Grandma, save for one small incident the first night she was back on -board ship. Luxuriating in her large, comfortable mother-of-pearl bed, -Grandma heard a soft knocking at her door. - -"Come in," she called in a small voice. - -The door opened and in stalked Darling Toujours, a suitcase under her -arms. - -"I've come to take my cabin back, Mrs. Perkins," she said, a mean look -in her eyes. "The only vacant one was the little hole in the wall they -had you in the first part of the voyage, and I must say it isn't fit -for a dog." - -"Oh, I think you'll get used to it then," cood Grandma. - -"Well, I don't intend to be the one to do the getting used to it," -snarled the actress. "You see, my dear woman, I didn't say anything -about this until you were safely on board again and we could start -back for Earth, because I can't afford to be late for making my next -picture." - -Grandma looked a little surprised. "Say anything about what?" - -"About how I was in the passageway and saw you get into that space suit -and let yourself out the airlock, Mrs. Perkins. I don't believe that -constitutes being forced to leave against your will. Therefore, STAR -doesn't owe you a thing more than your passage, if that, and I want my -suite back." The actress smiled triumphantly. - -"But, Miss Toujours, surely no one would believe such a fantastic story -like that." - -Darling Toujours began to purr softly. "Captain Fogarty would. And now, -my dear, if you'll just leave, I won't have to have you put out. And -you can just take off my nice lace nightie to begin with!" - -"Oh, my," said Grandma, sighing deeply but making no sign of moving. -"And I was so hoping that I wouldn't have to say anything about all -that business and cause you so much trouble." - -Darling Toujours looked startled. Then a distrustful look came into her -eyes. "What are you talking about?" she demanded suspiciously. - -"Why, on board that pirate ship I noticed that one of the men, Snake -Simpson, was wearing a picture of a very pretty girl. His wife, he -said, only she had run out on him many years ago. Of course, her hair -was blonde, and yours is black, and you seem to have done something to -your nose in the meantime, but I'd never mistake the mouth. So large -for your face, you know." - -"Why, you little--" the younger woman began. - -"I wouldn't tell anybody in the world about it. Unless, of course, you -made trouble, Mrs. Simp--I mean, Miss Toujours." - -"Nobody in the world would believe you!" snapped the actress. - -Grandma gave her a beneficent smile. "Carlton E. Carlton would. By the -way, my dear, I think I know now why you wear these nighties. But -one does feel so naked in them, if you know what I mean. And now, if -you'll please leave. This part of the ship is restricted to first class -passengers." - - * * * * * - -When the _Kismet_ landed at the New York spaceport many days later, -Grandma left the ship reluctantly, knowing that it marked the end -of a great adventure for her. In protest against this, she took the -little money she had with her and spent a full week of almost riotous -living on the town, visiting all the nightclubs and the dives, flirting -dangerously with men of 70 and 80, half her age, and almost getting -arrested six times. - -But one bright morning, her funds exhausted, she was deposited bag and -baggage on the front lawn of Melissa Muir's Home for Elderly Ladies. -Grandma looked the place over dourly. - -"Well, I guess there's nothing left for me to do now but retire from -active life and take up painting," Grandma said to herself. And picking -up some of her effects, she started up the walk. Close to the front -porch, however, two men stepped out from behind some shrubbery and -started towards her. - -"Grandma!" one of them shouted. And it was only then that she -recognized Lamps and Snake, freshly shaven and with clean suits on. - -"Why, Lamps O'Toole! And you, too, Snake! Whatever are you two doing at -this old boneyard?" she said, hugging each in turn. - -"We come to see you, Grandma," Lamps told her, bashful as a boy asking -for his first date. "We had to put in to Earth for fuel, so we came by -to see how you was." - -Snake Simpson, plainly embarrassed at her display of affection, -wriggled free from her bony embrace. "Yeah, Grandma, we come by to -bring you a message from Perfessor Spindle. He still don't know what -you did to the Suggestor Ray, but he says you're a real Icy Stein." - -"You mean Einstein, Snake. That's very kind of the professor." - -"And we brought you a little present to show you how much we appreciate -you getting us the pardons," Lamps told her, thrusting a small package -into her hands. "Don't go and open it until we leave, though." - -Grandma Perkins felt a little flustered by all the attention she was -receiving. "Why, thank you very much, boys. I'm sure I'll like it." - -The three of them stood quite still and quite silent for a moment or -two. Then Lamps said, "Well, I guess we ought to be going, Grandma. -It's been good seeing you, and take care of yourself." - -"Yeah, bye," said Snake, holding out a grimy paw hoping to escape with -just a handshake. He did. - -The two burly spacemen strode rapidly down the walk and climbed into -their aircar. Grandma stood transfixed until the little vehicle had -climbed far out of sight. Then she opened the present. - -In the box she found a delicate bit of jewelry--a solid gold locket. -The medallion was shaped like a rocket ship, and along the side of it, -spelled out in tiny diamonds, was the name, _Dirty Shame_. Grandma -held it in her hands for a spell, then pulled out a bit of a lace -handkerchief and honked loudly. - -Turning around, she surveyed her new home again. And she began to -think, which was always dangerous. Her conscience, catching the drift -of her thoughts, became alarmed. - -"Now, Matilda Perkins, you wouldn't dare--" her conscience said to her. - -"Oh, you shut up," she retorted. "But it would be awfully nice...." - - * * * * * - -The spaceship _Dirty Shame_ blasted off from the spaceport in a -blaze of fire and smoke. Lamps O'Toole and Snake Simpson were at the -controls, and neither of them was feeling much like talking. So, for -the most part as they pushed the buttons and turned the switches that -headed the ship out into space, they were quiet. - -After a while Snake spoke up. "We're going to miss the old dame," he -ventured as they pulled dear of Earth's atmosphere. - -"Keep your trap shut," growled Lamps. - -"Yes, sir, if I just close my eyes, I can still see the old gal, -standing there at the micrafoam, giving that old Commodore the -business. And you standing next to her, your mouth hanging out a mile." - -Lamps gave the ship more velocity than was necessary. "Mind your own -business, Snake." - -"And I can hear them funny shoes of hers, clip clopping down the -corridor, bringing us a batch of fresh biscuits." Snake sat bolt -upright in his chair. "Lord a-massy, if I can't even smell them -biscuits right now!" - -Lamps let out a curse. "Now, see what you done, Snake? You got me so -riled up I can smell 'em too." - -Both of them stopped, sniffed long and hard, and then let out a whoop. -Throwing the _Dirty Shame_ into full automatic, they dashed for the -kitchen. - -There, stooping over, peering into the oven, was a silver-haired, -little old lady. - -"Grandma!" they yelled in unison. "What are you doing here!" - -Giving them her richest smile, she said, "Well, boys, I didn't raise a -family of ten without knowing that hungry men need good, solid food. So -I...." - -It took a while and it took some wile and some of the best of Grandma's -talking, but finally it was agreed by all hands that she would be -allowed to remain on board, at least until they could get her back to -Earth. And, in the end, the fresh batch of hot biscuits were probably -her best argument. - -After dinner, just before she headed to her cabin to slip off into a -sound sleep, Lamps stopped her for one final question. - -"Say, Grandma, I know this maybe sounds funny. But whatever in the -world did you do to that suppressor ray?" - -"Whatever do you mean?" answered Grandma with great innocence. - -"Well, Professor Spindle, he looked at it, cussed at it, pulled it -apart, said it couldn't possibly work, then all of a sudden he gave a -big laugh and packed the whole contraption off to his laboratory. And I -just wondered...." - -Grandma Perkins snickered. "Lamps," she told him, "Promise me -faithfully you won't tell a soul?" Lamps nodded. - -"Well, sir, you've got a great deal to learn about women. You see, -there just isn't anything made that a smart woman can't fix with a -hairpin." - -And plopping one last biscuit into his mouth for him, she clip-clopped -down the corridor and off to bed. - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Grandma Perkins and the Space Pirates, by -James McConnell - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GRANDMA PERKINS AND THE SPACE PIRATES *** - -***** This file should be named 63812.txt or 63812.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/6/3/8/1/63812/ - -Produced by Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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