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-
-The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Connoisseur, by Frank Banta
-
-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
-almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or
-re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
-with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license
-
-
-Title: The Connoisseur
-
-Author: Frank Banta
-
-Release Date: December 22, 2019 [EBook #60991]
-
-Language: English
-
-Character set encoding: ASCII
-
-*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CONNOISSEUR ***
-
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-Produced by Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online
-Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
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-</pre>
-
-
-<div class="figcenter">
- <img src="images/cover.jpg" width="347" height="500" alt=""/>
-</div>
-
-<hr class="chap" />
-
-<div class="titlepage">
-
-<h1>The Connoisseur</h1>
-
-<h2>By FRANK BANTA</h2>
-
-<p class="ph1">He said I was the biggest knuckle-head<br />
-he ever saw, but I didn't trust him.<br />
-Sooner or later I knew he'd insult me!</p>
-
-<p>[Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from<br />
-Worlds of If Science Fiction, May 1961.<br />
-Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that<br />
-the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.]</p>
-
-</div>
-
-<hr class="chap" />
-
-<p>It is infinitely more satisfactory to purchase wives when they are
-young. They are vastly more respectful.</p>
-
-<p>Twelve is a good purchasing age. Lisa was twelve when I bargained for
-her, and she is an illustrious argument for the system.</p>
-
-<p>I recall her excellent father and I facing each other across his
-gleaming synthol marble table that day. On the table were small metal
-shells of sweet liquor. And beside the shells were the sedulously
-gathered treasures I was formally offering for Lisa: A control knob,
-and a folded painting of one of our Navigator's other-ship visions.</p>
-
-<p>Lisa's father eagerly examined the mirror-bright, chrome surface
-of the control knob&mdash;which I had handed to him with a pretense of
-casualness&mdash;trying to still the trembling of his fingers.</p>
-
-<p>"The last knob on the control board!" he said in an emotion-cracked
-voice. "How could you have broken it off? We've all been tugging at it
-for years."</p>
-
-<p>I answered&mdash;I hope with no more than legitimate pride&mdash;"I managed to
-get a thin hacksaw blade between the knob and the control board. Then I
-sawed off the shaft."</p>
-
-<p>He nodded approvingly. "With knuckle-headed men like you aboard ship we
-will certainly all go to <i>Hell</i>."</p>
-
-<p>I bowed, but I did not let his flattery relax my caution. After all, we
-were bargaining for his prettiest daughter. What flattering words bear
-weight in the midst of a sale? He, of course, referred to the ringing
-sincerity of our Navigator's dying words: "If you knuckle-heads all
-want to go to <i>Hell</i>, just keep dismantling the ship!"</p>
-
-<p>Swinging adroitly to my other item of barter, I mused aloud, "Our
-Navigator! What a strange, frantic creature he was. Full of the wild,
-lovely visions which effervesced from his books of fantasy. Imploring
-us not only to read the books but to believe them&mdash;and, failing that,
-drawing immortal paintings of the fantasies for us to see."</p>
-
-<hr class="tb" />
-
-<p>Therewith I opened the folded painting and handed it reverently to him.
-It showed a large globular ship with people living on the <i>outside</i> of
-it. The title of the painting was <i>Planet</i>.</p>
-
-<p>Privately I had always thought the thing was wholly unnatural&mdash;a
-curious off-beat of the master's imagination. I was quite willing,
-despite its great beauty and its origin, to exchange it for something
-which to me was far more attractive at the moment. Namely a woman.</p>
-
-<p>Lisa lay curled up on the narrow, in-wall couch, with her head propped
-up by a slim arm. She chewed her synthel-gum lazily and surveyed me
-with mild interest. She was a tender-featured girl, with shimmering
-black, shoulder-length hair. It was possible to forecast that she would
-some day be a lovely and gentle-hearted woman.</p>
-
-<p>Her father, notwithstanding his habitually rigid integrity, saw my
-lively interest in her and tried to increase my generous bid for her by
-an artifice of delay.</p>
-
-<p>Holding the painting of the master at arm's length, he grumbled
-critically, "A vision of <i>Hell</i> would have been more to my liking.
-Unhappily our Navigator did not paint one of his radiant visions of
-that ship. Now, why would he prefer <i>Planet</i> to <i>Hell</i>&mdash;particularly
-when he described <i>Hell</i> as warm and enclosed like our own ship?"</p>
-
-<p>I did not answer his frivolous complaint, knowing full well it was only
-bartering talk.</p>
-
-<p>He handled the immortal painting with crudely feigned indifference. He
-could not quite bring himself to let go of it. He was determined to own
-it, I knew, and he sensed also my resolve to offer no more for Lisa.
-Yet slyly he determined on an evil course.</p>
-
-<p>For, incredibly, he turned to tranquil Lisa and asked: "What is your
-value, lovely child? Does he offer enough?"</p>
-
-<p>And slowly lifting her candid eyes to him she shook her head NO!</p>
-
-<hr class="tb" />
-
-<p>"Shall I bargain with <i>her</i> then?" I asked my friend caustically. I
-will own I was vexed.</p>
-
-<p>Shrewdly he nodded. "Whatever she accepts will be our bargain." Then,
-laughing at my undignified discomfiture, "It is manifest she is more
-aware of her value than I."</p>
-
-<p>"Will you be serious? It is not kindly to banter with a woman-child in
-such an important matter as her future."</p>
-
-<p>But greed now fully possessed him. "I do not joke. Whatever she demands
-shall be her price." He sipped his sweet wine, hiding his eyes from my
-displeasure.</p>
-
-<p>Concealing my fury, I turned to Lisa, who now sat up straight on the
-narrow couch with her long, slender legs folded under her. In the pace
-of grievous mortification I was not bitter toward her. It was not her
-fault. For her I extended the tolerance due the innocent.</p>
-
-<p>"What is your cost, child?" I asked. "This control knob and other-ship
-vision of our Navigator are sufficient to purchase any girl-woman. What
-will you have?"</p>
-
-<p>Lisa chewed her gum slowly while she formed her serene thought. Then,
-shaking her oval head, she let fall in a dreamy, singsong voice,
-"Neither of these! Neither of these!"</p>
-
-<p>Her father leaned forward anxiously. I told her, "There is a limit to
-your value. I will not give all of my treasures for you, lovely though
-you are. Choose what thing you will have, and if I can procure it, your
-father shall have it."</p>
-
-<p>"I'll know it when I see it!" she said, smiling impudently.</p>
-
-<hr class="tb" />
-
-<p>There was nothing for me to do but go to my apartments and look for
-other treasures to show her. My thoughts were exceedingly bitter as I
-gathered the coveted articles one by one in my arms.</p>
-
-<p>"Here." I displayed it to her when I had arrived back at her father's
-abode. "It is the steering wheel from the lifeboat. Feel its smooth
-texture, see its ebony luster. It is the only lifeboat steering wheel
-aboard ship. I had a terrible struggle with it until I broke off the
-shaft."</p>
-
-<p>She seemed interested. I passed hurriedly on to another object. "Here
-is the handle of the atomic-pile damping rod. It was threaded inside.
-However, I have managed to grind the interior smooth."</p>
-
-<p>She seemed definitely interested, but I did not linger. I unrolled the
-last treasure I had brought with me. At the sight of it her father
-burst into merry chuckles.</p>
-
-<p>"Yes," I said, smiling with a hint of sadness. "It is the inscrutable
-message we found protruding from the mouth of a machine some years ago.
-The machine has the name Teletype engraved upon it. We cannot imagine
-who put the message inside the machine&mdash;if indeed it is a message.
-But listen to the poetry of its words! I shall read it to you as
-though it were properly set out on paper instead of being cramped into
-continuous, senseless lines:</p>
-
-<div class="blockquot">
-<p>"Colony ship, colony ship,<br />
-Turn around before it is too late.<br />
-You have left the Galaxy.<br />
-We are the last planetary system<br />
-You will encounter,<br />
-For ten thousand years."</p></div>
-
-<p>Then, seeing her puzzlement, I said hastily, "But, of course, it is
-too adult for you, Lisa. Its mystery is for the scholar, its abstract
-beauty for the man of mature years. Come, let us turn back to these
-other treasures...."</p>
-
-<p>It was not easy for her to choose, seemingly, with so much wealth about
-her. The control knob, the painting, the lifeboat steering wheel, the
-atomic-pile damping-rod handle, the inscrutable poetry&mdash;all claimed her
-interest. But in the end she chose as I wanted her to, and the bargain
-was struck.</p>
-
-<p>Lisa went to live in the compartment of my concubines that day, and at
-maturity became a concubine of exotic beauty. She bore her dark-haired
-children well.</p>
-
-<hr class="tb" />
-
-<p>By the excellence of her father, he and I continued to be good friends.
-At least once a year I invite him to view the master's painting of
-<i>Planet</i>. We spend many contented hours together. Often through a
-porthole we watch the rapid movement of distant ships which our
-Navigator called <i>stars</i>, revolving in tiny circles at the side of the
-ship, making a complete circle in about two minutes. What prompts the
-behavior of these ships? It is all very curious, and I account myself
-fortunate that I have in my friend an intense capacity for speculation.
-Like myself, he is a scholar of honor, capable of long sustained
-discourse on lofty subjects which round out and deepen the mind. I
-forgive him his greed.</p>
-
-<p>As I had intended, Lisa took the teletype nonsense message to be
-her value to her father. May I reiterate, it is infinitely more
-satisfactory to purchase wives when they are very young ladies? They
-are vastly more respectful. Admittedly they are saucy.</p>
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-<pre>
-
-
-
-
-
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-The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Connoisseur, by Frank Banta
-
-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
-almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or
-re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
-with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license
-
-
-Title: The Connoisseur
-
-Author: Frank Banta
-
-Release Date: December 22, 2019 [EBook #60991]
-
-Language: English
-
-Character set encoding: ASCII
-
-*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CONNOISSEUR ***
-
-
-
-
-Produced by Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online
-Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-The Connoisseur
-
-By FRANK BANTA
-
-He said I was the biggest knuckle-head
-he ever saw, but I didn't trust him.
-Sooner or later I knew he'd insult me!
-
-[Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from
-Worlds of If Science Fiction, May 1961.
-Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that
-the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.]
-
-
-It is infinitely more satisfactory to purchase wives when they are
-young. They are vastly more respectful.
-
-Twelve is a good purchasing age. Lisa was twelve when I bargained for
-her, and she is an illustrious argument for the system.
-
-I recall her excellent father and I facing each other across his
-gleaming synthol marble table that day. On the table were small metal
-shells of sweet liquor. And beside the shells were the sedulously
-gathered treasures I was formally offering for Lisa: A control knob,
-and a folded painting of one of our Navigator's other-ship visions.
-
-Lisa's father eagerly examined the mirror-bright, chrome surface
-of the control knob--which I had handed to him with a pretense of
-casualness--trying to still the trembling of his fingers.
-
-"The last knob on the control board!" he said in an emotion-cracked
-voice. "How could you have broken it off? We've all been tugging at it
-for years."
-
-I answered--I hope with no more than legitimate pride--"I managed to
-get a thin hacksaw blade between the knob and the control board. Then I
-sawed off the shaft."
-
-He nodded approvingly. "With knuckle-headed men like you aboard ship we
-will certainly all go to _Hell_."
-
-I bowed, but I did not let his flattery relax my caution. After all, we
-were bargaining for his prettiest daughter. What flattering words bear
-weight in the midst of a sale? He, of course, referred to the ringing
-sincerity of our Navigator's dying words: "If you knuckle-heads all
-want to go to _Hell_, just keep dismantling the ship!"
-
-Swinging adroitly to my other item of barter, I mused aloud, "Our
-Navigator! What a strange, frantic creature he was. Full of the wild,
-lovely visions which effervesced from his books of fantasy. Imploring
-us not only to read the books but to believe them--and, failing that,
-drawing immortal paintings of the fantasies for us to see."
-
- * * * * *
-
-Therewith I opened the folded painting and handed it reverently to him.
-It showed a large globular ship with people living on the _outside_ of
-it. The title of the painting was _Planet_.
-
-Privately I had always thought the thing was wholly unnatural--a
-curious off-beat of the master's imagination. I was quite willing,
-despite its great beauty and its origin, to exchange it for something
-which to me was far more attractive at the moment. Namely a woman.
-
-Lisa lay curled up on the narrow, in-wall couch, with her head propped
-up by a slim arm. She chewed her synthel-gum lazily and surveyed me
-with mild interest. She was a tender-featured girl, with shimmering
-black, shoulder-length hair. It was possible to forecast that she would
-some day be a lovely and gentle-hearted woman.
-
-Her father, notwithstanding his habitually rigid integrity, saw my
-lively interest in her and tried to increase my generous bid for her by
-an artifice of delay.
-
-Holding the painting of the master at arm's length, he grumbled
-critically, "A vision of _Hell_ would have been more to my liking.
-Unhappily our Navigator did not paint one of his radiant visions of
-that ship. Now, why would he prefer _Planet_ to _Hell_--particularly
-when he described _Hell_ as warm and enclosed like our own ship?"
-
-I did not answer his frivolous complaint, knowing full well it was only
-bartering talk.
-
-He handled the immortal painting with crudely feigned indifference. He
-could not quite bring himself to let go of it. He was determined to own
-it, I knew, and he sensed also my resolve to offer no more for Lisa.
-Yet slyly he determined on an evil course.
-
-For, incredibly, he turned to tranquil Lisa and asked: "What is your
-value, lovely child? Does he offer enough?"
-
-And slowly lifting her candid eyes to him she shook her head NO!
-
- * * * * *
-
-"Shall I bargain with _her_ then?" I asked my friend caustically. I
-will own I was vexed.
-
-Shrewdly he nodded. "Whatever she accepts will be our bargain." Then,
-laughing at my undignified discomfiture, "It is manifest she is more
-aware of her value than I."
-
-"Will you be serious? It is not kindly to banter with a woman-child in
-such an important matter as her future."
-
-But greed now fully possessed him. "I do not joke. Whatever she demands
-shall be her price." He sipped his sweet wine, hiding his eyes from my
-displeasure.
-
-Concealing my fury, I turned to Lisa, who now sat up straight on the
-narrow couch with her long, slender legs folded under her. In the pace
-of grievous mortification I was not bitter toward her. It was not her
-fault. For her I extended the tolerance due the innocent.
-
-"What is your cost, child?" I asked. "This control knob and other-ship
-vision of our Navigator are sufficient to purchase any girl-woman. What
-will you have?"
-
-Lisa chewed her gum slowly while she formed her serene thought. Then,
-shaking her oval head, she let fall in a dreamy, singsong voice,
-"Neither of these! Neither of these!"
-
-Her father leaned forward anxiously. I told her, "There is a limit to
-your value. I will not give all of my treasures for you, lovely though
-you are. Choose what thing you will have, and if I can procure it, your
-father shall have it."
-
-"I'll know it when I see it!" she said, smiling impudently.
-
- * * * * *
-
-There was nothing for me to do but go to my apartments and look for
-other treasures to show her. My thoughts were exceedingly bitter as I
-gathered the coveted articles one by one in my arms.
-
-"Here." I displayed it to her when I had arrived back at her father's
-abode. "It is the steering wheel from the lifeboat. Feel its smooth
-texture, see its ebony luster. It is the only lifeboat steering wheel
-aboard ship. I had a terrible struggle with it until I broke off the
-shaft."
-
-She seemed interested. I passed hurriedly on to another object. "Here
-is the handle of the atomic-pile damping rod. It was threaded inside.
-However, I have managed to grind the interior smooth."
-
-She seemed definitely interested, but I did not linger. I unrolled the
-last treasure I had brought with me. At the sight of it her father
-burst into merry chuckles.
-
-"Yes," I said, smiling with a hint of sadness. "It is the inscrutable
-message we found protruding from the mouth of a machine some years ago.
-The machine has the name Teletype engraved upon it. We cannot imagine
-who put the message inside the machine--if indeed it is a message.
-But listen to the poetry of its words! I shall read it to you as
-though it were properly set out on paper instead of being cramped into
-continuous, senseless lines:
-
- "Colony ship, colony ship,
- Turn around before it is too late.
- You have left the Galaxy.
- We are the last planetary system
- You will encounter,
- For ten thousand years."
-
-Then, seeing her puzzlement, I said hastily, "But, of course, it is
-too adult for you, Lisa. Its mystery is for the scholar, its abstract
-beauty for the man of mature years. Come, let us turn back to these
-other treasures...."
-
-It was not easy for her to choose, seemingly, with so much wealth about
-her. The control knob, the painting, the lifeboat steering wheel, the
-atomic-pile damping-rod handle, the inscrutable poetry--all claimed her
-interest. But in the end she chose as I wanted her to, and the bargain
-was struck.
-
-Lisa went to live in the compartment of my concubines that day, and at
-maturity became a concubine of exotic beauty. She bore her dark-haired
-children well.
-
- * * * * *
-
-By the excellence of her father, he and I continued to be good friends.
-At least once a year I invite him to view the master's painting of
-_Planet_. We spend many contented hours together. Often through a
-porthole we watch the rapid movement of distant ships which our
-Navigator called _stars_, revolving in tiny circles at the side of the
-ship, making a complete circle in about two minutes. What prompts the
-behavior of these ships? It is all very curious, and I account myself
-fortunate that I have in my friend an intense capacity for speculation.
-Like myself, he is a scholar of honor, capable of long sustained
-discourse on lofty subjects which round out and deepen the mind. I
-forgive him his greed.
-
-As I had intended, Lisa took the teletype nonsense message to be
-her value to her father. May I reiterate, it is infinitely more
-satisfactory to purchase wives when they are very young ladies? They
-are vastly more respectful. Admittedly they are saucy.
-
-
-
-
-
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