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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..05e8731 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #60981 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/60981) diff --git a/old/60981-h.zip b/old/60981-h.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 3951b18..0000000 --- a/old/60981-h.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/60981-h/60981-h.htm b/old/60981-h/60981-h.htm deleted file mode 100644 index c5e050e..0000000 --- a/old/60981-h/60981-h.htm +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1130 +0,0 @@ -<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" - "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> -<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> - <head> - <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=us-ascii" /> - <meta http-equiv="Content-Style-Type" content="text/css" /> - <title> - The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Useless Bugbreeders, by James Stamers. - </title> - <link rel="coverpage" href="images/cover.jpg" /> - - <style type="text/css"> - -body { - margin-left: 10%; - margin-right: 10%; -} - - h1,h2 { - text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ - clear: both; -} - -p { - margin-top: .51em; - text-align: justify; - margin-bottom: .49em; -} - -hr { - width: 33%; - margin-top: 2em; - margin-bottom: 2em; - margin-left: 33.5%; - margin-right: 33.5%; - clear: both; -} - -hr.chap {width: 65%; margin-left: 17.5%; margin-right: 17.5%;} -hr.tb {width: 45%; margin-left: 27.5%; margin-right: 27.5%;} - -.center {text-align: center;} - -.right {text-align: right;} - -.caption {font-weight: bold;} - -/* Images */ -.figcenter { - margin: auto; - text-align: center; -} - -div.titlepage { - text-align: center; - page-break-before: always; - page-break-after: always; -} - -div.titlepage p { - text-align: center; - text-indent: 0em; - font-weight: bold; - line-height: 1.5; - margin-top: 3em; -} - -.ph1 { text-align: center; text-indent: 0em; font-weight: bold; } -.ph1 { font-size: large; margin: .83em auto; } - - - - </style> - </head> -<body> - - -<pre> - -The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Useless Bugbreeders, by James Stamers - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: The Useless Bugbreeders - -Author: James Stamers - -Release Date: December 20, 2019 [EBook #60981] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE USELESS BUGBREEDERS *** - - - - -Produced by Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - -</pre> - - -<div class="figcenter"> - <img src="images/cover.jpg" width="347" height="500" alt=""/> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<div class="titlepage"> - -<h1>THE USELESS BUGBREEDERS</h1> - -<h2>BY JAMES STAMERS</h2> - -<p class="ph1">TO THE SPACE COUNCIL, ASTEROID 4722<br /> -WAS JUST ANOTHER ROADBLOCK IN THE<br /> -WAY OF INTERPLANETARY TRAFFIC. BUT<br /> -TO THE USELESS BUGBREEDERS IT WAS HOME!</p> - -<p>[Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from<br /> -Worlds of If Science Fiction, May 1961.<br /> -Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that<br /> -the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.]</p> - -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p>The previous case was a Weeper, and he lost. So the Space Zoning -Commissioners were damp and irritable before I opened pleadings for my -client. I tried not to squelch as I approached the bench.</p> - -<p>"Not the Flammables again, Mr. Jones?" the fat Commissioner asked -nastily, sponging his suit with a sodden handkerchief.</p> - -<p>"This was last week, Your Honor."</p> - -<p>The thin dark Commissioner stared pointedly at the charred end of the -bench nearest the witness seat.</p> - -<p>"Indeed it was, Mr. Jones."</p> - -<p>The middle Commissioner poised his fingers and looked at the court -ceiling; moisture gleamed diamond like on his bald head.</p> - -<p>"Now let me see," he intoned. "Correct me if I err, Mr. Jones, but I -seem to observe you have a habit of representing somewhat spectacular -aliens. Including, in the past six months alone, the Drillers, Whirling -Tombs, Fragile Glasses, Erupters, Vibrational Men, Transparent -Women—and of course let us not forget the Flammables."</p> - -<p>"I assure Your Honor, my present clients will be found to be sober, -hardworking, desirable members of the Galactic Community, seeking only -to live on their own asteroid in peace under a democratic system, -which...."</p> - -<p>"Thank you, Mr. Jones. Shall we proceed?"</p> - -<p>"And perhaps," added the fat Commissioner, "you may be good enough to -leave us with most of our courtroom intact on this occasion."</p> - -<p>The thin Commissioner sighed and shuffled his papers.</p> - -<p>"You appear, Mr. Jones, to contest a Space Council ruling for the -elimination of Asteroid Four Thousand Seven Hundred and Twenty-Two on -the grounds, which you allege, that it is a peaceful dwelling of an -adult and responsible alien race."</p> - -<p>"Yes, Your Honor."</p> - -<p>"Then let us see your adult, um, Bugbreeder."</p> - -<p>I shuffled uncomfortably and splashed the court stenographer who gave -me a dirty look.</p> - -<p>"A space tramp's name given in the early days of Space, Your Honor. -More properly, my clients are the Selective Culturists of Bacteria and -Lesser Life."</p> - -<p>The fat Commissioner sniffed.</p> - -<p>"Bugbreeders will do," he said. "Produce one."</p> - -<p>My client hopped off the table and ran nimbly up to the witness seat. -He sat there like a small green snowball with large and pointed ears.</p> - -<p>"Happy, happy to be here, I'm sure," he said.</p> - -<p>Fortunately he had a hand to raise and looked reasonably humanoid as -he was sworn in. The caterpillar and semi-jelly cultures make a less -favorable first impression, and at this point the Driller had gone -excitedly through the floor.</p> - -<p>"You are a representative member of your race?" I asked formally.</p> - -<p>"Oh, yus. Much."</p> - -<p>"And you reside on Asteroid Four Thousand Seven Hundred and Twenty-Two, -the permanent dwelling of your race?"</p> - -<p>"Oh, yus. Home."</p> - -<p>"And although your home presents certain technical difficulties for -interplanetary vehicles on the spacerun to the greater planets, you -maintain it should be preserved because of your contribution to the -culture of the Galactic Community?" I asked.</p> - -<p>"Oh, yus."</p> - -<p>"Does he understand a word you're saying, Mr. Jones?" asked the bald -Commissioner.</p> - -<p>"Oh, yus. Not much," said my client cheerfully.</p> - -<p>"Hurrmph," I said, and coughed.</p> - -<p>"Perhaps I may assist," suggested the thin Commissioner, with a nasty -look at me. "What exactly does your race do?"</p> - -<p>"Breed bugs, I'm sure. Am head bacteriophysicist name of Lood. Am good -scientist."</p> - -<p>"And what exactly do you do with these bugs you raise?"</p> - -<p>"Most everything."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>"Your Honors," I interrupted. "At this point I propose a few simple -demonstrations of what Mr. Lood and his people can do."</p> - -<p>"May I inquire if either of my learned brethren know any way in which -we can charge Mr. Jones with rebuilding costs, if necessary?" asked the -bald Commissioner.</p> - -<p>"Your Honors, I assure you...."</p> - -<p>"Proceed at your peril, Mr. Jones."</p> - -<p>I walked over to the exhibit table and pointed to a row of jars.</p> - -<p>"Exhibits A through G, Your Honors. Samples of food and beverages -produced by my clients without raw materials and from the expert -culture of bacteria."</p> - -<p>I held up a jar full of mauve fungus. It was the most attractive -example.</p> - -<p>"I would hardly call feeding on funguses a sign of a responsible -humanoid race, Mr. Jones."</p> - -<p>"Perhaps Your Honor will recall the part played by bacteria in making -milk, cheese, wine, beer, bread."</p> - -<p>The Commissioners looked at each other and nodded reluctantly. So I -passed the jars up to them, secure in the knowledge they had been -tested by the Alien Foods Bureau. I watched the Commissioners unscrew -the lids and taste the contents somewhat hesitantly.</p> - -<p>"Not bad," confessed the fat Commissioner eventually.</p> - -<p>"Quite palatable."</p> - -<p>"Of course we already have honey and similar foodstuffs, Mr. Jones."</p> - -<p>"Naturally, Your Honor. But Mr. Lood's race can survive without -extraplanetary aid. Provided they have sunshine and water, they can -breed their spores and bacteria with no other resources."</p> - -<p>"You mean," said the thin Commissioner with a dark leer, "that almost -any sunny planet would do for them?"</p> - -<p>Somewhere along the line my point seemed to have been swept away, so I -added hurriedly:</p> - -<p>"I offer this evidence purely to show the high degree of civilization -of my clients' culture, as cause why they should not be deprived of -their native land."</p> - -<p>"Oh, yus," my client agreed.</p> - -<p>"Mr. Lood," intoned the bald Commissioner, "to stay on your present -asteroid you will have to prove that your race offers something that -cannot be found elsewhere in the Galactic Community. Now have these -funguses of yours any special medicinal values, for example?"</p> - -<p>"Please?"</p> - -<p>"Can you cure diseases with them?"</p> - -<p>"Oh, no."</p> - -<p>"Ah," said the thin and fat Commissioners together. "Proceed, Mr. -Jones."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>That put Lood somewhere back behind the twentieth-century discoverers -of penicillin and the myecins, and even back behind the pioneer -Pasteur. Five hundred years back, in fact.</p> - -<p>"Yes. Well. Let's see how my clients handle housing, Your Honors. I -think you'll find this quite revolutionary. Mr. Lood?"</p> - -<p>Lood hopped off the witness seat and trotted up to the long table -normally reserved for attorneys. Lately, I have found my professional -colleagues strangely reluctant to stay in court when I have a case, so -Lood had the entire table to himself.</p> - -<p>He pulled a small jar out from under the table and spread a pile of -dust on the tabletop. Then he unscrewed the jar and gently poured -nothing out of it onto the dust. Nothing visible, that is. But I -assumed it was teeming with viruses and such.</p> - -<p>"While Mr. Lood gets this started, Your Honors," I said, hoping the -viruses or whatever were not fatal to humans, "may I submit the -usefulness of fungus foods for space-travel and for pioneers on -inhospitable planets?"</p> - -<p>"Are we having difficulties with General Food-Concentrates, the -Travelers Capsule Combine and the other ten thousand concerns in this -line, Mr. Jones?" the bald Commissioner asked quietly.</p> - -<p>You can't say I didn't try. I shut up and watched Lood fuss with the -dust on the table.</p> - -<p>It started moving as if it were bubbling and Lood stood back.</p> - -<p>Slowly, the dust on the table formed itself into a brick, a long eight -by six by three inch brick. Lood smiled happily.</p> - -<p>"And here, Your Honors," I said triumphantly, "here is automatic -housing."</p> - -<p>"One brick does not make a house, Mr. Jones."</p> - -<p>"If Your Honors will just watch...."</p> - -<p>The brick slowly elongated and split into two perfect bricks, lying on -the table end to end.</p> - -<p>"Mass colony action of bacteria," said Lood wisely. "Oh, yus."</p> - -<p>The two bricks each split into two further bricks. These divided and -multiplied themselves while we watched, out to the end of the table.</p> - -<p>"I would like Your Honors to observe the way these bricks overcome -natural hazards," I said, getting into my stride.</p> - -<p>I pointed to the bricks drooping over the end of the table. A brick -fell onto the floor at each end, then built itself up until it joined -the line of bricks on the table, forming a perfect arch at each angle. -The line on the table was now three bricks high, so I walked round and -stood behind the wall.</p> - -<p>"You see, Your Honors, suppose I need a house. I merely combine these -suitable microbes and dust. And there we are, a house."</p> - -<p>I had to stand on tiptoe to finish the sentence because of the -mathematics involved. Every brick was doubling and redoubling itself in -just under a minute. And the wall was getting quite impressively high.</p> - -<p>"Mr. Jones," called one of the Commissioners.</p> - -<p>It was not until I tried to walk round the end of the wall that I found -I had been out-flanked.</p> - -<p>I ran to the nearest wall of the courtroom but the bricks got there -first. I heard a rending noise that suggested the other end had gone -clean through the opposite wall. As a matter of fact, I saw the -astonished face of an attorney entering the main door of the Justice -Building as the wall advanced towards him. Then he saw me. He grinned -and waved.</p> - -<p>I was in no mood to wave back.</p> - -<p>"Mr. Lood, Mr. Lood," I yelled. "Can you hear me?"</p> - -<p>"Wall too thick, yus," came a muffled answer.</p> - -<p>And indeed it was. I had not noticed it, but the wall was expanding -sideways as well. I was calculating the approximate thickness when it -went up and through the roof of the courtroom.</p> - -<p>Fortunately it was a nice sunny day.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>However, this was no time to sunbathe and I dashed towards the hole in -the courtroom wall, where Lood's wall had gone through.</p> - -<p>I just got out before a buttress, coming out the wall at right angles, -blocked the gap. I remembered something Lood had said about the -automatic creation of full-scale houses on a simple standard plan: two -rooms, a toilet and a patio.</p> - -<p>Outside, the wall was well on the way towards completing its second -simple house. This side of the wall was, that is. I could only assume -it was doing something similar on the other side. There was no way of -getting round and seeing, except by outstripping the wall in a sprint.</p> - -<p>I gathered my breath and dignity and ran very rapidly down the length -of the wall, round the far mounting tiers of brick, advancing now on -the State Library, and back to where I had left the Commissioners and -Mr. Lood.</p> - -<p>I was faced by a thicket of patios and arched doorways and low-roofed -houses.</p> - -<p>"Your Honors, Your Honors," I called hopefully, walking into the maze, -in the general direction of what appeared to be an old and ruined war -monument. It then occurred to me that this was the outer wall of the -courthouse. It stood far off, pointing a stone finger to the sky, as if -going down in a sea of brick for the third time.</p> - -<p>"Your Honors, Your Honors...."</p> - -<p>I met them turning a corner.</p> - -<p>Unfortunately, they seemed to have found it necessary to crawl through -a broken gap of some sort. They were very dusty and had a slightly -shredded appearance.</p> - -<p>"Ah, Mr. Jones," they said grimly, dusting each other off.</p> - -<p>A tremendous crash announced the falling in of the roof of the State -Library.</p> - -<p>"Well," said the thin Commissioner, "he did say it was revolutionary."</p> - -<p>I smiled politely.</p> - -<p>"Don't giggle, Mr. Jones, or we'll hold you in contempt."</p> - -<p>We wound out of the maze in single file. A pattering behind us -announced Lood bringing up the rear.</p> - -<p>Once we were out, and about two hundred yards ahead of the advancing -walls, patios and houses, the three Commissioners turned on me.</p> - -<p>"Mr. Jones," they said with restraint. "You will now stop this reckless -building project."</p> - -<p>I turned to Lood.</p> - -<p>"You must stop it," I said.</p> - -<p>"Oh, yus," he agreed, nodding happily. "Most marvelous, no. Ample -housing for all and sundry. Homes for peoples. Immediate occupancy. You -like basic plan house, yus?"</p> - -<p>"Mr. Lood," snarled the fat Commissioner. "The problem on every -habitable planet so far has been to find room to build. Earth is -congested...."</p> - -<p>Distant crashing informed me that an unprecedented houseclearing was -still going on.</p> - -<p>"... And so are all authorized planets yet discovered. I speak for my -learned brethren in saying that this ... this anthill of yours is one -thing the Galactic Community can do without."</p> - -<p>"And do without right now," added his bald colleague.</p> - -<p>"You wish to stop?" asked Lood.</p> - -<p>Small tears filled the periphery of his round eyes.</p> - -<p>"Yes," I confirmed brutally. "Can you stop it?"</p> - -<p>"Oh, yus. Must have antiseptics."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>It took the fire department four hours of spraying from their copters -to reduce the entire housing estate to dust. And then an even blanket -of brown feathery residue lay unbroken for several acres, save here -and there where the shells of previous buildings stood up gauntly and -accusingly.</p> - -<p>"All bugs gone," said Lood sadly.</p> - -<p>"But what about this mess?" demanded the bald Commissioner.</p> - -<p>"Comes out of air. Floating particles. Process cleans air, too."</p> - -<p>A fresh wind from across the blanket of dust came inopportunely to -punctuate Mr. Lood's remark. As soon as they could talk again, the -Commissioners suggested resuming in another city.</p> - -<p>"Assuming, Mr. Jones, you wish to produce further aspects of your, hum, -case."</p> - -<p>Six red and bleary eyes stared at me from a coating of brown dust of -only vaguely judicial appearance.</p> - -<p>"I think, Your Honors, the next evidence had better be delivered in the -open," I said, and pointed to a nearby park.</p> - -<p>Much, if not all, of the dust fell off us as we walked over to the -small green hill in the center of the park. The birds twittered, the -sun shone, the breeze was fresh; and after the Commissioners had -settled on convenient tree stumps, I felt quite hopeful about the third -line of evidence. Lood stood optimistically by.</p> - -<p>"Your Honors," I said, "you are aware that Earth suffers a grave -shortage of metals. Almost all economical quantities have been mined -out. Yet, Your Honors—" I paused dramatically—"in the haematin -of human blood alone, whose main function is to carry oxygen to the -system, there is nearly twice as much iron by weight as oxygen."</p> - -<p>"Precisely which of us, Mr. Jones, do you propose to mine first?"</p> - -<p>I cleared my throat and let the thin Commissioner's remark pass.</p> - -<p>"Merely making the point, Your Honor, that the metal-carrying -properties of bacteria have been hardly considered."</p> - -<p>This was stretching it a bit because selective breeding of microbes -for the recovery of metals in tailings have been developed back in the -nineteen-fifties. But so far as I knew, no one had carried it as far as -my client race.</p> - -<p>"Mr. Lood," I commanded.</p> - -<p>"Just one moment, Mr. Jones," said the bald Commissioner drily. "Let us -have an outline of this <i>before</i> we start."</p> - -<p>"Certainly, Your Honor. Mr. Lood will now extract gold from a sample of -ocean water we have obtained."</p> - -<p>I signalled to the waiting carrier and it came trundling softly over -the grass and deposited a large tank on the grass.</p> - -<p>"Genuine untouched ocean water, Your Honors," I said, slapping the -tank. "Go ahead, Mr. Lood."</p> - -<p>The little fellow hopped up to the side of the tank and emptied -another invisible horde from a test tube into the water.</p> - -<p>We waited.</p> - -<p>"Oh, yus," he said.</p> - -<p>And there on the bottom of the tank was an unmistakable sludge of -metallic gold, shining speckled in the rays of sunlight bending through -the water.</p> - -<p>I scooped out a sample and handed it round for the Commissioners to -inspect.</p> - -<p>"Subject to analysis," grunted the fat one, "this certainly seems to be -gold."</p> - -<p>"Of course, there is no reason why this should not be done on Earth, as -a starting point."</p> - -<p>The thin Commissioner paused and looked at my client.</p> - -<p>"Does this process affect fish?"</p> - -<p>"Oh, yus," said Lood. "Kills all parasites. Fish, reptiles, and such."</p> - -<p>"Thank you," said the Commissioner drily.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Mr. Lood looked at me apologetically.</p> - -<p>"My people too small to tolerate fish," he explained. "Fish most -dangerous wild beasts. Oh, yus."</p> - -<p>"Never mind," I reassured him. "Your Honors, I feel the court will take -a more favorable view of the dry-land operation, then. Taking place as -it does in the bowels of the earth, there is no danger to valuable -livestock. And here we can demonstrate, for example, simple aluminum -extraction, by the progressive reduction and oxidation and reduction of -bacteria on a molecular scale.</p> - -<p>"I hope," I added, "this experiment will produce visible evidence of -this great boon to mankind, though I must ask Your Honors to watch -closely."</p> - -<p>Lood produced another test-tube, pressed a small hole in the grass with -his finger and emptied the tube. The hole darkened.</p> - -<p>We all bent over to watch.</p> - -<p>Nothing happened.</p> - -<p>"Perhaps a dud batch?" I asked eventually.</p> - -<p>"Oh, no," said Lood.</p> - -<p>We peered intently into the small hole without seeing anything.</p> - -<p>Then a faint wisp of steam came out of the hole. I walked over the -grass, picked up a long twig, walked back and thrust it into the hole. -I could not touch bottom, so something was going on down there.</p> - -<p>The edges of the hole began to gleam with white metal. I was about to -explain the alumina content of common clay, when the thin Commissioner -and the tree stump he was sitting on went down with a whistling sound -into a sudden pit that opened beneath him.</p> - -<p>I only just caught the third and last Commissioner in time. We watched -his tree stump sinking out of sight together.</p> - -<p>The ground began to quiver uneasily.</p> - -<p>"Let us get out of here with all haste."</p> - -<p>I followed the direction of the court with proper professional zeal. -And we just made it to the safe stressed-concrete surface of the old -freeway when the park melted completely into a stark framework of -aluminum. Seated in the middle and peering at us through the aluminum -cage were the other two Commissioners. They did not seem particularly -happy.</p> - -<p>Around them in a widening belt there opened up a pit of gleaming -aluminum, melting, so to speak, towards the horizon on all sides.</p> - -<p>"You realize, I suppose, Mr. Jones," said the bald Commissioner beside -me, "that your client is in the process of eating up the Earth." He -breathed heavily.</p> - -<p>Lood was beaming and hopping up and down at the success of his -experiment. I touched him in the general area of a shoulder. He looked -at me.</p> - -<p>"No," I said firmly, shaking my head.</p> - -<p>"No?"</p> - -<p>"No!"</p> - -<p>His round eyes became tearful and his little green body shook.</p> - -<p>"Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear."</p> - -<p>"Antiseptics?" I asked.</p> - -<p>"Oh, yus," he confirmed sadly.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Very fortunately, the fire department was still observing my -client—and me, I suspected afterwards, ridiculous as that may seem.</p> - -<p>This time it took them several hours of deep spraying and drilling to -confine the area. A vast saucer of aluminum remained.</p> - -<p>"Useful for signalling to stars, oh, yus?" asked Lood, hopefully.</p> - -<p>"Oh, no," I said.</p> - -<p>A threatening cough made me turn round to see the three Commissioners -staring at me.</p> - -<p>"Mr. Jones...."</p> - -<p>"... you have now destroyed the Courthouse, the Public Library and five -city blocks...."</p> - -<p>"... and buried them under a filthy layer of dust...."</p> - -<p>"and reduced a park into a great garbage pit...."</p> - -<p>"... we therefore refuse your claim and give you and your client six -hours to get off Earth...."</p> - -<p>"... and kindly do not trouble to advise us where the Space Council -moves you. We will sleep more soundly for believing that it will be -many, many light-years away."</p> - -<p>And they turned and walked away, leaving me with my client—and, -apparently, my traveling companion.</p> - -<p>A quiet and suppressed sobbing made me turn and look at Lood. He wept -dolefully.</p> - -<p>"We have nothing," he said. "Oh, no. We have nothing to offer. Nothing -that you humans want."</p> - -<p>"Well," I said, "that's the way it goes sometimes."</p> - -<p>And what, I wondered, was I going to do for a living now?</p> - -<p>"Free food," gulped Lood. "Free housing. Free gold and metals. We had -all hoped so much from this. Oh, yus."</p> - -<p>There did not seem any point in telling him his people were several -hundred years too late. Once upon a time he would have been hailed -as a savior of a starving and poor human race, a great benefactor of -mankind. Now he was just a nuisance. And I was another for letting him -loose.</p> - -<p>"Well," I assured him, "you have got one guest until they shift you off -your asteroid. Me. Free food and housing will suit me fine. And maybe -we'll find some very backward part of the Galaxy where they need gold -and such.</p> - -<p>"It's a pity," I added, as we started to walk towards the spaceport, -"that you can't control these bacteria of yours."</p> - -<p>"Can control."</p> - -<p>"It didn't look like it, my friend."</p> - -<p>"Oh, yus. Can control bodily leucocytes, corpuscles and such. Perfect -cell replacement easy."</p> - -<p>I looked down at him.</p> - -<p>"If it's all that easy," I said. "I suppose your old men can run faster -than your houses."</p> - -<p>"No old men," said Lood.</p> - -<p>"Well, old whatever-you-are's."</p> - -<p>"No old. Not die. Oh, yus. Perfect cell replacement."</p> - -<p>I stood very still.</p> - -<p>"Do you mean you never die?" I asked.</p> - -<p>"Oh, yus. Never die."</p> - -<p>"Can teach?" I asked.</p> - -<p>"Oh, yus. Most simple," smiled Lood. "Can teach all men not die. Not -ever."</p> - -<p>But I was off running after the three Commissioners, yelling until they -stopped and stood waiting for me....</p> - - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's The Useless Bugbreeders, by James Stamers - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE USELESS BUGBREEDERS *** - -***** This file should be named 60981-h.htm or 60981-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/6/0/9/8/60981/ - -Produced by Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: The Useless Bugbreeders - -Author: James Stamers - -Release Date: December 20, 2019 [EBook #60981] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE USELESS BUGBREEDERS *** - - - - -Produced by Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - - - - THE USELESS BUGBREEDERS - - BY JAMES STAMERS - - TO THE SPACE COUNCIL, ASTEROID 4722 - WAS JUST ANOTHER ROADBLOCK IN THE - WAY OF INTERPLANETARY TRAFFIC. BUT - TO THE USELESS BUGBREEDERS IT WAS HOME! - - [Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from - Worlds of If Science Fiction, May 1961. - Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that - the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.] - - -The previous case was a Weeper, and he lost. So the Space Zoning -Commissioners were damp and irritable before I opened pleadings for my -client. I tried not to squelch as I approached the bench. - -"Not the Flammables again, Mr. Jones?" the fat Commissioner asked -nastily, sponging his suit with a sodden handkerchief. - -"This was last week, Your Honor." - -The thin dark Commissioner stared pointedly at the charred end of the -bench nearest the witness seat. - -"Indeed it was, Mr. Jones." - -The middle Commissioner poised his fingers and looked at the court -ceiling; moisture gleamed diamond like on his bald head. - -"Now let me see," he intoned. "Correct me if I err, Mr. Jones, but I -seem to observe you have a habit of representing somewhat spectacular -aliens. Including, in the past six months alone, the Drillers, Whirling -Tombs, Fragile Glasses, Erupters, Vibrational Men, Transparent -Women--and of course let us not forget the Flammables." - -"I assure Your Honor, my present clients will be found to be sober, -hardworking, desirable members of the Galactic Community, seeking only -to live on their own asteroid in peace under a democratic system, -which...." - -"Thank you, Mr. Jones. Shall we proceed?" - -"And perhaps," added the fat Commissioner, "you may be good enough to -leave us with most of our courtroom intact on this occasion." - -The thin Commissioner sighed and shuffled his papers. - -"You appear, Mr. Jones, to contest a Space Council ruling for the -elimination of Asteroid Four Thousand Seven Hundred and Twenty-Two on -the grounds, which you allege, that it is a peaceful dwelling of an -adult and responsible alien race." - -"Yes, Your Honor." - -"Then let us see your adult, um, Bugbreeder." - -I shuffled uncomfortably and splashed the court stenographer who gave -me a dirty look. - -"A space tramp's name given in the early days of Space, Your Honor. -More properly, my clients are the Selective Culturists of Bacteria and -Lesser Life." - -The fat Commissioner sniffed. - -"Bugbreeders will do," he said. "Produce one." - -My client hopped off the table and ran nimbly up to the witness seat. -He sat there like a small green snowball with large and pointed ears. - -"Happy, happy to be here, I'm sure," he said. - -Fortunately he had a hand to raise and looked reasonably humanoid as -he was sworn in. The caterpillar and semi-jelly cultures make a less -favorable first impression, and at this point the Driller had gone -excitedly through the floor. - -"You are a representative member of your race?" I asked formally. - -"Oh, yus. Much." - -"And you reside on Asteroid Four Thousand Seven Hundred and Twenty-Two, -the permanent dwelling of your race?" - -"Oh, yus. Home." - -"And although your home presents certain technical difficulties for -interplanetary vehicles on the spacerun to the greater planets, you -maintain it should be preserved because of your contribution to the -culture of the Galactic Community?" I asked. - -"Oh, yus." - -"Does he understand a word you're saying, Mr. Jones?" asked the bald -Commissioner. - -"Oh, yus. Not much," said my client cheerfully. - -"Hurrmph," I said, and coughed. - -"Perhaps I may assist," suggested the thin Commissioner, with a nasty -look at me. "What exactly does your race do?" - -"Breed bugs, I'm sure. Am head bacteriophysicist name of Lood. Am good -scientist." - -"And what exactly do you do with these bugs you raise?" - -"Most everything." - - * * * * * - -"Your Honors," I interrupted. "At this point I propose a few simple -demonstrations of what Mr. Lood and his people can do." - -"May I inquire if either of my learned brethren know any way in which -we can charge Mr. Jones with rebuilding costs, if necessary?" asked the -bald Commissioner. - -"Your Honors, I assure you...." - -"Proceed at your peril, Mr. Jones." - -I walked over to the exhibit table and pointed to a row of jars. - -"Exhibits A through G, Your Honors. Samples of food and beverages -produced by my clients without raw materials and from the expert -culture of bacteria." - -I held up a jar full of mauve fungus. It was the most attractive -example. - -"I would hardly call feeding on funguses a sign of a responsible -humanoid race, Mr. Jones." - -"Perhaps Your Honor will recall the part played by bacteria in making -milk, cheese, wine, beer, bread." - -The Commissioners looked at each other and nodded reluctantly. So I -passed the jars up to them, secure in the knowledge they had been -tested by the Alien Foods Bureau. I watched the Commissioners unscrew -the lids and taste the contents somewhat hesitantly. - -"Not bad," confessed the fat Commissioner eventually. - -"Quite palatable." - -"Of course we already have honey and similar foodstuffs, Mr. Jones." - -"Naturally, Your Honor. But Mr. Lood's race can survive without -extraplanetary aid. Provided they have sunshine and water, they can -breed their spores and bacteria with no other resources." - -"You mean," said the thin Commissioner with a dark leer, "that almost -any sunny planet would do for them?" - -Somewhere along the line my point seemed to have been swept away, so I -added hurriedly: - -"I offer this evidence purely to show the high degree of civilization -of my clients' culture, as cause why they should not be deprived of -their native land." - -"Oh, yus," my client agreed. - -"Mr. Lood," intoned the bald Commissioner, "to stay on your present -asteroid you will have to prove that your race offers something that -cannot be found elsewhere in the Galactic Community. Now have these -funguses of yours any special medicinal values, for example?" - -"Please?" - -"Can you cure diseases with them?" - -"Oh, no." - -"Ah," said the thin and fat Commissioners together. "Proceed, Mr. -Jones." - - * * * * * - -That put Lood somewhere back behind the twentieth-century discoverers -of penicillin and the myecins, and even back behind the pioneer -Pasteur. Five hundred years back, in fact. - -"Yes. Well. Let's see how my clients handle housing, Your Honors. I -think you'll find this quite revolutionary. Mr. Lood?" - -Lood hopped off the witness seat and trotted up to the long table -normally reserved for attorneys. Lately, I have found my professional -colleagues strangely reluctant to stay in court when I have a case, so -Lood had the entire table to himself. - -He pulled a small jar out from under the table and spread a pile of -dust on the tabletop. Then he unscrewed the jar and gently poured -nothing out of it onto the dust. Nothing visible, that is. But I -assumed it was teeming with viruses and such. - -"While Mr. Lood gets this started, Your Honors," I said, hoping the -viruses or whatever were not fatal to humans, "may I submit the -usefulness of fungus foods for space-travel and for pioneers on -inhospitable planets?" - -"Are we having difficulties with General Food-Concentrates, the -Travelers Capsule Combine and the other ten thousand concerns in this -line, Mr. Jones?" the bald Commissioner asked quietly. - -You can't say I didn't try. I shut up and watched Lood fuss with the -dust on the table. - -It started moving as if it were bubbling and Lood stood back. - -Slowly, the dust on the table formed itself into a brick, a long eight -by six by three inch brick. Lood smiled happily. - -"And here, Your Honors," I said triumphantly, "here is automatic -housing." - -"One brick does not make a house, Mr. Jones." - -"If Your Honors will just watch...." - -The brick slowly elongated and split into two perfect bricks, lying on -the table end to end. - -"Mass colony action of bacteria," said Lood wisely. "Oh, yus." - -The two bricks each split into two further bricks. These divided and -multiplied themselves while we watched, out to the end of the table. - -"I would like Your Honors to observe the way these bricks overcome -natural hazards," I said, getting into my stride. - -I pointed to the bricks drooping over the end of the table. A brick -fell onto the floor at each end, then built itself up until it joined -the line of bricks on the table, forming a perfect arch at each angle. -The line on the table was now three bricks high, so I walked round and -stood behind the wall. - -"You see, Your Honors, suppose I need a house. I merely combine these -suitable microbes and dust. And there we are, a house." - -I had to stand on tiptoe to finish the sentence because of the -mathematics involved. Every brick was doubling and redoubling itself in -just under a minute. And the wall was getting quite impressively high. - -"Mr. Jones," called one of the Commissioners. - -It was not until I tried to walk round the end of the wall that I found -I had been out-flanked. - -I ran to the nearest wall of the courtroom but the bricks got there -first. I heard a rending noise that suggested the other end had gone -clean through the opposite wall. As a matter of fact, I saw the -astonished face of an attorney entering the main door of the Justice -Building as the wall advanced towards him. Then he saw me. He grinned -and waved. - -I was in no mood to wave back. - -"Mr. Lood, Mr. Lood," I yelled. "Can you hear me?" - -"Wall too thick, yus," came a muffled answer. - -And indeed it was. I had not noticed it, but the wall was expanding -sideways as well. I was calculating the approximate thickness when it -went up and through the roof of the courtroom. - -Fortunately it was a nice sunny day. - - * * * * * - -However, this was no time to sunbathe and I dashed towards the hole in -the courtroom wall, where Lood's wall had gone through. - -I just got out before a buttress, coming out the wall at right angles, -blocked the gap. I remembered something Lood had said about the -automatic creation of full-scale houses on a simple standard plan: two -rooms, a toilet and a patio. - -Outside, the wall was well on the way towards completing its second -simple house. This side of the wall was, that is. I could only assume -it was doing something similar on the other side. There was no way of -getting round and seeing, except by outstripping the wall in a sprint. - -I gathered my breath and dignity and ran very rapidly down the length -of the wall, round the far mounting tiers of brick, advancing now on -the State Library, and back to where I had left the Commissioners and -Mr. Lood. - -I was faced by a thicket of patios and arched doorways and low-roofed -houses. - -"Your Honors, Your Honors," I called hopefully, walking into the maze, -in the general direction of what appeared to be an old and ruined war -monument. It then occurred to me that this was the outer wall of the -courthouse. It stood far off, pointing a stone finger to the sky, as if -going down in a sea of brick for the third time. - -"Your Honors, Your Honors...." - -I met them turning a corner. - -Unfortunately, they seemed to have found it necessary to crawl through -a broken gap of some sort. They were very dusty and had a slightly -shredded appearance. - -"Ah, Mr. Jones," they said grimly, dusting each other off. - -A tremendous crash announced the falling in of the roof of the State -Library. - -"Well," said the thin Commissioner, "he did say it was revolutionary." - -I smiled politely. - -"Don't giggle, Mr. Jones, or we'll hold you in contempt." - -We wound out of the maze in single file. A pattering behind us -announced Lood bringing up the rear. - -Once we were out, and about two hundred yards ahead of the advancing -walls, patios and houses, the three Commissioners turned on me. - -"Mr. Jones," they said with restraint. "You will now stop this reckless -building project." - -I turned to Lood. - -"You must stop it," I said. - -"Oh, yus," he agreed, nodding happily. "Most marvelous, no. Ample -housing for all and sundry. Homes for peoples. Immediate occupancy. You -like basic plan house, yus?" - -"Mr. Lood," snarled the fat Commissioner. "The problem on every -habitable planet so far has been to find room to build. Earth is -congested...." - -Distant crashing informed me that an unprecedented houseclearing was -still going on. - -"... And so are all authorized planets yet discovered. I speak for my -learned brethren in saying that this ... this anthill of yours is one -thing the Galactic Community can do without." - -"And do without right now," added his bald colleague. - -"You wish to stop?" asked Lood. - -Small tears filled the periphery of his round eyes. - -"Yes," I confirmed brutally. "Can you stop it?" - -"Oh, yus. Must have antiseptics." - - * * * * * - -It took the fire department four hours of spraying from their copters -to reduce the entire housing estate to dust. And then an even blanket -of brown feathery residue lay unbroken for several acres, save here -and there where the shells of previous buildings stood up gauntly and -accusingly. - -"All bugs gone," said Lood sadly. - -"But what about this mess?" demanded the bald Commissioner. - -"Comes out of air. Floating particles. Process cleans air, too." - -A fresh wind from across the blanket of dust came inopportunely to -punctuate Mr. Lood's remark. As soon as they could talk again, the -Commissioners suggested resuming in another city. - -"Assuming, Mr. Jones, you wish to produce further aspects of your, hum, -case." - -Six red and bleary eyes stared at me from a coating of brown dust of -only vaguely judicial appearance. - -"I think, Your Honors, the next evidence had better be delivered in the -open," I said, and pointed to a nearby park. - -Much, if not all, of the dust fell off us as we walked over to the -small green hill in the center of the park. The birds twittered, the -sun shone, the breeze was fresh; and after the Commissioners had -settled on convenient tree stumps, I felt quite hopeful about the third -line of evidence. Lood stood optimistically by. - -"Your Honors," I said, "you are aware that Earth suffers a grave -shortage of metals. Almost all economical quantities have been mined -out. Yet, Your Honors--" I paused dramatically--"in the haematin -of human blood alone, whose main function is to carry oxygen to the -system, there is nearly twice as much iron by weight as oxygen." - -"Precisely which of us, Mr. Jones, do you propose to mine first?" - -I cleared my throat and let the thin Commissioner's remark pass. - -"Merely making the point, Your Honor, that the metal-carrying -properties of bacteria have been hardly considered." - -This was stretching it a bit because selective breeding of microbes -for the recovery of metals in tailings have been developed back in the -nineteen-fifties. But so far as I knew, no one had carried it as far as -my client race. - -"Mr. Lood," I commanded. - -"Just one moment, Mr. Jones," said the bald Commissioner drily. "Let us -have an outline of this _before_ we start." - -"Certainly, Your Honor. Mr. Lood will now extract gold from a sample of -ocean water we have obtained." - -I signalled to the waiting carrier and it came trundling softly over -the grass and deposited a large tank on the grass. - -"Genuine untouched ocean water, Your Honors," I said, slapping the -tank. "Go ahead, Mr. Lood." - -The little fellow hopped up to the side of the tank and emptied -another invisible horde from a test tube into the water. - -We waited. - -"Oh, yus," he said. - -And there on the bottom of the tank was an unmistakable sludge of -metallic gold, shining speckled in the rays of sunlight bending through -the water. - -I scooped out a sample and handed it round for the Commissioners to -inspect. - -"Subject to analysis," grunted the fat one, "this certainly seems to be -gold." - -"Of course, there is no reason why this should not be done on Earth, as -a starting point." - -The thin Commissioner paused and looked at my client. - -"Does this process affect fish?" - -"Oh, yus," said Lood. "Kills all parasites. Fish, reptiles, and such." - -"Thank you," said the Commissioner drily. - - * * * * * - -Mr. Lood looked at me apologetically. - -"My people too small to tolerate fish," he explained. "Fish most -dangerous wild beasts. Oh, yus." - -"Never mind," I reassured him. "Your Honors, I feel the court will take -a more favorable view of the dry-land operation, then. Taking place as -it does in the bowels of the earth, there is no danger to valuable -livestock. And here we can demonstrate, for example, simple aluminum -extraction, by the progressive reduction and oxidation and reduction of -bacteria on a molecular scale. - -"I hope," I added, "this experiment will produce visible evidence of -this great boon to mankind, though I must ask Your Honors to watch -closely." - -Lood produced another test-tube, pressed a small hole in the grass with -his finger and emptied the tube. The hole darkened. - -We all bent over to watch. - -Nothing happened. - -"Perhaps a dud batch?" I asked eventually. - -"Oh, no," said Lood. - -We peered intently into the small hole without seeing anything. - -Then a faint wisp of steam came out of the hole. I walked over the -grass, picked up a long twig, walked back and thrust it into the hole. -I could not touch bottom, so something was going on down there. - -The edges of the hole began to gleam with white metal. I was about to -explain the alumina content of common clay, when the thin Commissioner -and the tree stump he was sitting on went down with a whistling sound -into a sudden pit that opened beneath him. - -I only just caught the third and last Commissioner in time. We watched -his tree stump sinking out of sight together. - -The ground began to quiver uneasily. - -"Let us get out of here with all haste." - -I followed the direction of the court with proper professional zeal. -And we just made it to the safe stressed-concrete surface of the old -freeway when the park melted completely into a stark framework of -aluminum. Seated in the middle and peering at us through the aluminum -cage were the other two Commissioners. They did not seem particularly -happy. - -Around them in a widening belt there opened up a pit of gleaming -aluminum, melting, so to speak, towards the horizon on all sides. - -"You realize, I suppose, Mr. Jones," said the bald Commissioner beside -me, "that your client is in the process of eating up the Earth." He -breathed heavily. - -Lood was beaming and hopping up and down at the success of his -experiment. I touched him in the general area of a shoulder. He looked -at me. - -"No," I said firmly, shaking my head. - -"No?" - -"No!" - -His round eyes became tearful and his little green body shook. - -"Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear." - -"Antiseptics?" I asked. - -"Oh, yus," he confirmed sadly. - - * * * * * - -Very fortunately, the fire department was still observing my -client--and me, I suspected afterwards, ridiculous as that may seem. - -This time it took them several hours of deep spraying and drilling to -confine the area. A vast saucer of aluminum remained. - -"Useful for signalling to stars, oh, yus?" asked Lood, hopefully. - -"Oh, no," I said. - -A threatening cough made me turn round to see the three Commissioners -staring at me. - -"Mr. Jones...." - -"... you have now destroyed the Courthouse, the Public Library and five -city blocks...." - -"... and buried them under a filthy layer of dust...." - -"and reduced a park into a great garbage pit...." - -"... we therefore refuse your claim and give you and your client six -hours to get off Earth...." - -"... and kindly do not trouble to advise us where the Space Council -moves you. We will sleep more soundly for believing that it will be -many, many light-years away." - -And they turned and walked away, leaving me with my client--and, -apparently, my traveling companion. - -A quiet and suppressed sobbing made me turn and look at Lood. He wept -dolefully. - -"We have nothing," he said. "Oh, no. We have nothing to offer. Nothing -that you humans want." - -"Well," I said, "that's the way it goes sometimes." - -And what, I wondered, was I going to do for a living now? - -"Free food," gulped Lood. "Free housing. Free gold and metals. We had -all hoped so much from this. Oh, yus." - -There did not seem any point in telling him his people were several -hundred years too late. Once upon a time he would have been hailed -as a savior of a starving and poor human race, a great benefactor of -mankind. Now he was just a nuisance. And I was another for letting him -loose. - -"Well," I assured him, "you have got one guest until they shift you off -your asteroid. Me. Free food and housing will suit me fine. And maybe -we'll find some very backward part of the Galaxy where they need gold -and such. - -"It's a pity," I added, as we started to walk towards the spaceport, -"that you can't control these bacteria of yours." - -"Can control." - -"It didn't look like it, my friend." - -"Oh, yus. Can control bodily leucocytes, corpuscles and such. Perfect -cell replacement easy." - -I looked down at him. - -"If it's all that easy," I said. "I suppose your old men can run faster -than your houses." - -"No old men," said Lood. - -"Well, old whatever-you-are's." - -"No old. Not die. Oh, yus. Perfect cell replacement." - -I stood very still. - -"Do you mean you never die?" I asked. - -"Oh, yus. Never die." - -"Can teach?" I asked. - -"Oh, yus. Most simple," smiled Lood. "Can teach all men not die. Not -ever." - -But I was off running after the three Commissioners, yelling until they -stopped and stood waiting for me.... - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's The Useless Bugbreeders, by James Stamers - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE USELESS BUGBREEDERS *** - -***** This file should be named 60981.txt or 60981.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/6/0/9/8/60981/ - -Produced by Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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