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-
-Project Gutenberg's The Polite People of Pudibundia, by R. A. Lafferty
-
-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and
-most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
-whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms
-of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at
-www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll
-have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using
-this ebook.
-
-
-
-Title: The Polite People of Pudibundia
-
-Author: R. A. Lafferty
-
-Release Date: December 18, 2019 [EBook #60955]
-
-Language: English
-
-Character set encoding: ASCII
-
-*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE POLITE PEOPLE OF PUDIBUNDIA ***
-
-
-
-
-Produced by Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online
-Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
-
-
-
-
-
-
-</pre>
-
-
-<div class="figcenter">
- <img src="images/cover.jpg" width="347" height="500" alt=""/>
-</div>
-
-<hr class="chap" />
-
-<div class="titlepage">
-
-<h1><i>THE POLITE PEOPLE OF PUDIBUNDIA</i></h1>
-
-<h2>By R. A. LAFFERTY</h2>
-
-<p class="ph1"><i>This was a world where minding<br />
-your manners was more than just<br />
-a full-time job&mdash;it was murder!</i></p>
-
-<p>[Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from<br />
-Worlds of If Science Fiction, January 1961.<br />
-Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that<br />
-the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.]</p>
-
-</div>
-
-<hr class="chap" />
-
-<p>"Well, you will soon see for yourself, Marlow. Yes, I know there are
-peculiar stories about the place. There are about all places. The young
-pilots who have been there tell some amusing tales about it."</p>
-
-<p>"Yes. They say the people there are very polite."</p>
-
-<p>"That is the honorable ancestor of all understatements. One of the
-pilots, Conrad, told us that the inhabitants must always carry seven
-types of eyeglasses with them. None of the Puds, you see, may ever
-gaze directly on another. That would be the height of impoliteness.
-They wear amber goggles when they go about their world at large,
-and these they wear when they meet a stranger. But, once they are
-introduced to him, then they must thereafter look on him through blue
-glasses. But at a blood relative they gaze through red, and at an
-in-law through yellow. There are equally interesting colors for other
-situations."</p>
-
-<hr class="chap" />
-
-<div class="figcenter">
- <img src="images/illus.jpg" width="303" height="500" alt=""/>
-</div>
-
-<hr class="chap" />
-
-<p>"I would like to talk to Conrad. Not that I doubt his reports. It is
-the things he did not report that interest me."</p>
-
-<p>"I thought you knew he had died. Thrombosis, though he was sound enough
-when first certified."</p>
-
-<p>"But if they are really people, then it should be possible to
-understand them."</p>
-
-<p>"But they are not really people. They are metamorphics. They become
-people only out of politeness."</p>
-
-<p>"Detail that a little."</p>
-
-<p>"Oh, they're biped and of a size of us. They have a chameleon-like skin
-that can take on any texture they please, and they possess extreme
-plasticity of features."</p>
-
-<p>"You mean they can take on the appearance of people at will?"</p>
-
-<p>"So Bently reported."</p>
-
-<p>"I hadn't heard of him."</p>
-
-<p>"Another of the young pilots. According to Bently, not only do the Puds
-take on a human appearance, they take on the appearance of the human
-they encounter. Out of politeness, of course."</p>
-
-<p>"Quite a tribute, though it seems extreme. Could I talk to Bently?"</p>
-
-<p>"Also dead. A promising young man. But he reported some of the most
-amusing aspects of all: the circumlocutions that the Puds use in
-speaking our language. Not only is the Second Person eschewed out of
-politeness, but in a way all the other Persons also. One of them could
-not call you by your name, Marlow. He would have to say: 'One hears of
-one who hears of one of the noble name of Marlow. One hears of one even
-now in his presence.'"</p>
-
-<hr class="tb" />
-
-<p>"Yes, that is quite a polite way of saying it. But it would seem that
-with all their circumlocutions they would be inefficient."</p>
-
-<p>"Yet they are quite efficient. They do things so well that it is almost
-imperative that we learn from them. Yet for all our contacts, for all
-their extreme politeness coupled with their seeming openness, we have
-been able to learn almost nothing. We cannot learn the secret of the
-amazing productivity of their fields. According to Sharper, another of
-the young pilots, they suggest (though so circumspectly that it seems
-hardly a suggestion, certainly not a criticism) that if we were more
-polite to our own plants, the plants would be more productive for us;
-and if we gave the plants the ultimate of politeness, they would give
-us the ultimate of production."</p>
-
-<p>"Could I talk to Sharper, or is he also&mdash;"</p>
-
-<p>"No, he is not dead. He was quite well till the last several days. Now,
-however, he is ailing, but I believe it will be possible for you to
-talk to him before you leave, if he does not worsen."</p>
-
-<p>"It would still seem difficult for the Puds to get anything done.
-Wouldn't a superior be too polite to give a reprimand to an inferior?"</p>
-
-<p>"Probably. But Masters, who visited them, had a theory about it, which
-is that the inferior would be so polite and deferential that he would
-do his best to anticipate a wish or a desire, or would go to any
-lengths to learn the import of an unvoiced preference."</p>
-
-<p>"Is Masters one of the young pilots?"</p>
-
-<p>"No, an old-timer."</p>
-
-<p>"Now you <i>do</i> interest me."</p>
-
-<p>"Dead quite a few years. But it is you who interest me, Marlow. I have
-been told to give you all the information you need about the Polite
-People of Pudibundia. And on the subject of the Polite People, I must
-also be polite. But&mdash;saving your presence, and one hears of one who
-hears and all that&mdash;what in gehenna is a captain in Homicide on the
-Solar Police Force going to Pudibundia about?"</p>
-
-<p>"About murder. That is all I ever go anywhere about. We once had a
-private motto that we would go to the end of the Earth to solve a case."</p>
-
-<p>"And now you have amended your motto to 'to the end of the Earth and
-beyond'?"</p>
-
-<p>"We have."</p>
-
-<p>"But what have the Polite People to do with murder? Crime is unknown on
-Pudibundia."</p>
-
-<p>"We believe, saving their feelings, that it may not be unknown there.
-And what I am going to find out is this. There have been pilots for
-many years who have brought back stories of the Puds, and there are
-still a few&mdash;a very few&mdash;young pilots alive to tell those stories. What
-I am going to find out is why there are no old pilots around telling
-those stories."</p>
-
-<hr class="tb" />
-
-<p>It wasn't much of a trip for a tripper, six weeks. And Marlow was
-well received. His host also assumed the name of Marlow out of
-politeness. It would have been impossible to render his own name in
-human speech, and it would have been impossible for him to conceive
-of using any name except that of his guest, with its modifiers. Yet
-there was no confusion. Marlow was Marlow, and his host was the
-One-Million-Times-Lesser-Marlow.</p>
-
-<p>"We could progress much faster," said Marlow, "if we dispensed with
-these formalities."</p>
-
-<p>"Or assumed them as already spoken," said the
-One-Million-Times-Lesser-Marlow. "For this, in private, but only in the
-strictest privacy, we use the deferential ball. Within it are all the
-formulae written minutely. You have but to pass the ball from hand to
-hand every time you speak, and it is as if the amenities were spoken.
-I will give you this for the time of your stay. I beg you never to
-forget to pass it from hand to hand every time you speak. Should you
-forget, I would not, of course, be allowed to notice it. But when you
-were gone, I should be forced to kill myself for the shame of it. For
-private reasons I wish to avoid this and therefore beseech you to be
-careful."</p>
-
-<p>The One-Million-Times-Lesser-Marlow (hereafter to be called OMTLM
-for convenience but not out of any lack of politeness) gave Marlow
-a deferential ball, about the size of a ping-pong ball. And so they
-talked.</p>
-
-<p>"As a police official, I am particularly interested in the crime
-situation on Pud," said Marlow. "An index of zero is&mdash;well, if I could
-find a politer word I would use it&mdash;suspicious. And as you are, as well
-as I can determine, the head police official here, though in politeness
-your office would have another name, I am hoping that you can give me
-information."</p>
-
-<p>"Saving your grace, and formula of a formula, what would you have me
-tell you about?"</p>
-
-<p>"Suppose that a burglar (for politeness sake called something else)
-were apprehended by a policeman (likewise), what would happen?"</p>
-
-<p>"Why, the policeman (not so called, and yet we must be frank) would
-rattle his glottis in the prescribed manner."</p>
-
-<p>"Rattle his gl&mdash;I see. He would clear his throat with the appropriate
-sound. And then the burglar (not so called)?"</p>
-
-<p>"Would be covered with shame, it is true, but not fatally. For the
-peace of his own soul, he would leave the site in as dignified a manner
-as possible."</p>
-
-<p>"With or without boodle?"</p>
-
-<p>"Naturally without. One apprehended in the act is obliged to abandon
-his loot. That is only common politeness."</p>
-
-<p>"I see. And if the burglar (not so called) remains unapprehended? How
-is the loss of the goods or property recorded?"</p>
-
-<p>"It goes into the coefficient of general diminution of merchandise,
-which is to say shrinkage, wastage or loss. At certain times and places
-this coefficient becomes alarmingly large. Then it is necessary to use
-extraordinary care; and in extreme cases a thrice-removed burglar may
-become so ashamed of himself that he will die."</p>
-
-<p>"That he will die of shame? Is that a euphemism?"</p>
-
-<p>"Let us say that it is a euphemism of a euphemism."</p>
-
-<p>"Thrice-removed, I imagine. And what of other crimes?"</p>
-
-<hr class="tb" />
-
-<p>Here OMTLM rattled his glottis in a nervous manner, and Marlow
-hurriedly transferred his deferential ball to the other hand, having
-nearly forgotten it.</p>
-
-<p>"There being no crime, we can hardly speak of <i>other</i> crimes," said
-OMTLM. "But perhaps in another matter of speaking, you refer to&mdash;"</p>
-
-<p>"Crimes of violence," said Marlow.</p>
-
-<p>"Saving your presence, and formula of a formula, what would we have to
-be violent about? What possible cause?"</p>
-
-<p>"The usual: greed, lust, jealousy, anger, revenge, plain perversity."</p>
-
-<p>"Here also it is possible for one to die of shame, sometimes the
-offender, sometimes the victim, sometimes both. A jealous person
-might permit both his wife and her paramour to die of shame. And the
-State in turn might permit him to perish likewise, unless there were
-circumstances to modify the degree of shame; then he might still
-continue to live, often in circumscribed circumstances, for a set
-number of years. Each case must be decided on its own merits."</p>
-
-<p>"I understand your meaning. But why build a fence around it?"</p>
-
-<p>"I do not know what you mean."</p>
-
-<p>"I believe that you do. Why are the Polite People of Pudibundia so
-polite? Is it simply custom?"</p>
-
-<p>"It is more than that," said the polite Pud.</p>
-
-<p>"Then there is a real reason for it? And can you tell it to me?"</p>
-
-<p>"There is a real reason for it. I cannot tell it to you now, though,
-and perhaps not ever. But there is a chance that you may be given a
-demonstration of it just before you leave. And if you are very wise,
-you may be able then to guess the reason. I believe that there are
-several who have guessed it. I hope that we will have time for other
-discussions before you leave our sphere. And I sincerely do hope
-that your stay on Pudibundia is a pleasant one. And now, saving your
-presence, we must part. Formula of a formula."</p>
-
-<p>"Formula of a formula and all that," said Marlow, and went to discover
-the pleasures of Pudibundia.</p>
-
-<p>Among the pleasures of Pud was Mitzi (Miniature Image a
-thousand-times-removed of the Zestful Irma) who had now shaped up into
-something very nice. And shaped up is the correct term.</p>
-
-<p>At first Marlow was shocked by the appearance of all the females he met
-on Pud. Crude-featured, almost horse-faced, how could they all look
-like that? And he was even more shocked when he finally realized the
-reason. He had become used to the men there looking like himself out of
-politeness. And this&mdash;this abomination&mdash;was the female version of his
-own appearance!</p>
-
-<p>But he was a man of resources. He took from his pocket a small picture
-of Irma that he always carried, and showed it to the most friendly of
-the girls.</p>
-
-<p>"Could you possibly&mdash;?"</p>
-
-<p>"Look like that? Why, of course. Let me study it for a moment. Now,
-then."</p>
-
-<p>So the girl assumed the face of Irma.</p>
-
-<p>"Incredible," said Marlow, "except Irma is red-headed."</p>
-
-<p>"You have only to ask. The photo is not colored and so I did not know.
-We will try this shade to start with."</p>
-
-<p>"Close, but could you turn it just a little darker?"</p>
-
-<p>"Of course."</p>
-
-<p>And there she was Irma of the most interesting face and wonderful hair.
-But the picture had been of the face only. Below that, the girl was a
-sack. If only there were some way to convey what was lacking.</p>
-
-<p>"You still are not pleased with me," said the Miniature Image a
-thousand-times-removed of the Zestful Irma (Mitzi). "But you have only
-to demonstrate. Show me with your hands."</p>
-
-<p>Marlow with his hands sculptured in the air the figure of Irma as he
-remembered it, and Mitzi assumed the form, first face on, then face
-away, then in profile. And when they had it roughly, they perfected it,
-a little more here, a little less there. But there were points where
-his memory failed him.</p>
-
-<p>"If you could only give me an idea of the convolutions of her ears,"
-said Mitzi, "and the underlying structure of the metatarsus. My only
-desire is to please. Or shall I improvise where you do not remember?"</p>
-
-<p>"Yes, do that, Mitzi."</p>
-
-<p>And how that girl could improvise!</p>
-
-<hr class="tb" />
-
-<p>Marlow and Mitzi were now buddies. They made a large evening of it.
-They tied one on; formula of a formula, but they tied one on. They
-went on a thrice-removed bender. At the Betelgeuse Bar and Grill,
-they partook of the cousin of the cousin of the alcohol itself in the
-form of the nono-rhumbezoid, made of nine kinds of rum. At the B-flat
-Starlight Club, they listened to the newest and most exciting music on
-all Pudibundia. At Alligator John's, one checks his inhibitions at the
-door. Here one also checks his deferential ball. Of course the formulae
-are built into the walls and at each exchange it is always assumed that
-they are said.</p>
-
-<p>But the Iris Room is really the ultimate. The light comes through
-seven different colors of glass, and it is very dim when it arrives.
-And there the more daring remove their goggles entirely and go about
-without them in the multi-colored twilight. This is illegal. It is
-even foolhardy. There is no Earthly equivalent to it. To divest oneself
-and disport with Nudists would be tame in comparison. But Mitzi and her
-friends were of the reckless generation, and the Iris Room was their
-rendezvous.</p>
-
-<p>The orgy will not be detailed here. The floor show was wild. Yet we
-cannot credit the rumor that the comedian was so crude as to look
-directly at the audience even in that colored twilight; or they so
-gauche as to laugh outright at the jokes, they who had been taught
-always to murmur, "One knows of one who knows of one who ventures to
-smile." Yet there was no doubting that the Iris Room was a lively
-place. And when they left it at dawn, Marlow was pleased and sleepy and
-tipsy.</p>
-
-<p>There was a week of pleasure on Pudibundia: swimming with Mitzi down
-at West Beach, gourmandizing with Mitzi at Gastrophiles, dancing with
-Mitzi, pub-crawling, romancing, carrying on generally. The money
-exchange was favorable and Marlow was on an expense account. It was a
-delightful time.</p>
-
-<p>But still he did not forget the job he was on, and in the midst of his
-pleasure he sought always for information.</p>
-
-<p>"When I return here," he said slyly, "we will do the many things that
-time does not allow. When I come back here&mdash;"</p>
-
-<p>"But you will not return," said Mitzi. "Nobody ever does."</p>
-
-<p>"And why not? It is surely a pleasant place to return to. Why won't I
-return?"</p>
-
-<p>"If you cannot guess, then I cannot tell you. Do you have to know why?"</p>
-
-<p>"Yes, I have to know why. That is why I came here, to find out. To find
-out why the young men who come here will never be able to return here,
-or to anywhere else."</p>
-
-<p>"I can't tell you."</p>
-
-<p>"Then give me a clue."</p>
-
-<p>"In the Iris Room was a clue. It was not till the color-filtered light
-intruded between us that we might safely take off our goggles. I would
-save you if I could. I want you to come back. But those higher in
-authority make the decisions. When you leave, you will not return here,
-or anywhere else. But already one has spoken to one who has spoken to
-one who has spoken too much."</p>
-
-<p>"There is a point beyond which politeness is no longer a virtue, Mitzi."</p>
-
-<p>"I know. If I could change it, I would."</p>
-
-<hr class="tb" />
-
-<p>So the period of the visit was at an end, and Marlow was at his last
-conference with OMTLM, following which he would leave Pudibundia,
-perhaps forever.</p>
-
-<p>"Is there anything at all else you would like to know?" asked OMTLM.</p>
-
-<p>"There is almost <i>everything</i> that I still want to know. I have found
-out nothing."</p>
-
-<p>"Then ask."</p>
-
-<p>"I don't know how. If I knew the questions to ask, it is possible that
-I would already know the answers."</p>
-
-<p>"Yes, that is entirely possible."</p>
-
-<p>OMTLM seemed to look at him with amused eyes. And yet the eyes were
-hidden behind purple goggles. Marlow had never seen the eyes of OMTLM.
-He had never seen the eyes of any of the Puds. Even in the Iris Room,
-in that strangely colored light, it had not been possible to see their
-eyes.</p>
-
-<p>"Are you compelling me to do something?" asked Marlow.</p>
-
-<p>"I may be compelling you to think of the question that has eluded you."</p>
-
-<p>"Would you swear that I have not been given some fatal sickness?"</p>
-
-<p>"I can swear that to the very best of my knowledge you have not."</p>
-
-<p>"Are you laughing at me with your eyes?"</p>
-
-<p>"No. My eyes have compassion for you."</p>
-
-<p>"I have to see them."</p>
-
-<p>"You are asking that?"</p>
-
-<p>"Yes. I believe the answer to my question is there," Marlow said firmly.</p>
-
-<p>OMTLM took off his purple goggles. His were clear, intelligent eyes
-and there was genuine compassion in them.</p>
-
-<p>"Thank you," said Marlow. "If the answer is there, it still eludes me.
-I have failed in my mission for information. But I will return again. I
-will still find out what it is that is wrong here."</p>
-
-<p>"No, you will not return."</p>
-
-<p>"What will prevent me?" asked Marlow.</p>
-
-<p>"Your death in a very few weeks."</p>
-
-<p>"What will I die of?"</p>
-
-<p>"What did all your young pilots die of?"</p>
-
-<p>"But you swore that you did not know of any sickness I could have
-caught here!" Marlow cried.</p>
-
-<p>"That was true when I said it. It was not true a moment later."</p>
-
-<p>"Did all the pilots ask to see your eyes?"</p>
-
-<p>"Yes. All. Curiosity is a failing of you Earthlings."</p>
-
-<p>"Is it that the direct gaze of the Puds kills?"</p>
-
-<p>"Yes. Even ourselves it would kill. That is why we have our eyes always
-shielded. That is also why we erect another shield: that of our ritual
-politeness, so that we may never forget that too intimate an encounter
-of our persons may be fatal."</p>
-
-<p>"Then you have just murdered me?"</p>
-
-<p>"Let us say rather that one hears of one who hears of one who killed
-unwillingly."</p>
-
-<p>"Why did you do it to me?" demanded Marlow.</p>
-
-<p>"You asked to see my eyes. It would not be polite to refuse."</p>
-
-<p>"It takes you several weeks to kill. I can do it in a few seconds."</p>
-
-<p>"You would be wrong to try. Our second glance kills instantly."</p>
-
-<p>"Let's see if it's faster than a gun!"</p>
-
-<hr class="tb" />
-
-<p>But OMTLM had not lied.</p>
-
-<p>It is not polite to lie on Pudibundia.</p>
-
-<p>Marlow died instantly.</p>
-
-<p>And that is why (though you may sometimes hear a young pilot tell
-amusing stories immediately&mdash;oh, very immediately&mdash;on his return from
-Pudibundia) you will never find an old pilot who has ever been there.</p>
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-<pre>
-
-
-
-
-
-End of Project Gutenberg's The Polite People of Pudibundia, by R. A. Lafferty
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-Project Gutenberg's The Polite People of Pudibundia, by R. A. Lafferty
-
-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and
-most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
-whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms
-of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at
-www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll
-have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using
-this ebook.
-
-
-
-Title: The Polite People of Pudibundia
-
-Author: R. A. Lafferty
-
-Release Date: December 18, 2019 [EBook #60955]
-
-Language: English
-
-Character set encoding: ASCII
-
-*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE POLITE PEOPLE OF PUDIBUNDIA ***
-
-
-
-
-Produced by Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online
-Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
- _THE POLITE PEOPLE OF PUDIBUNDIA_
-
- By R. A. LAFFERTY
-
- _This was a world where minding
- your manners was more than just
- a full-time job--it was murder!_
-
- [Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from
- Worlds of If Science Fiction, January 1961.
- Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that
- the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.]
-
-
-"Well, you will soon see for yourself, Marlow. Yes, I know there are
-peculiar stories about the place. There are about all places. The young
-pilots who have been there tell some amusing tales about it."
-
-"Yes. They say the people there are very polite."
-
-"That is the honorable ancestor of all understatements. One of the
-pilots, Conrad, told us that the inhabitants must always carry seven
-types of eyeglasses with them. None of the Puds, you see, may ever
-gaze directly on another. That would be the height of impoliteness.
-They wear amber goggles when they go about their world at large,
-and these they wear when they meet a stranger. But, once they are
-introduced to him, then they must thereafter look on him through blue
-glasses. But at a blood relative they gaze through red, and at an
-in-law through yellow. There are equally interesting colors for other
-situations."
-
-"I would like to talk to Conrad. Not that I doubt his reports. It is
-the things he did not report that interest me."
-
-"I thought you knew he had died. Thrombosis, though he was sound enough
-when first certified."
-
-"But if they are really people, then it should be possible to
-understand them."
-
-"But they are not really people. They are metamorphics. They become
-people only out of politeness."
-
-"Detail that a little."
-
-"Oh, they're biped and of a size of us. They have a chameleon-like skin
-that can take on any texture they please, and they possess extreme
-plasticity of features."
-
-"You mean they can take on the appearance of people at will?"
-
-"So Bently reported."
-
-"I hadn't heard of him."
-
-"Another of the young pilots. According to Bently, not only do the Puds
-take on a human appearance, they take on the appearance of the human
-they encounter. Out of politeness, of course."
-
-"Quite a tribute, though it seems extreme. Could I talk to Bently?"
-
-"Also dead. A promising young man. But he reported some of the most
-amusing aspects of all: the circumlocutions that the Puds use in
-speaking our language. Not only is the Second Person eschewed out of
-politeness, but in a way all the other Persons also. One of them could
-not call you by your name, Marlow. He would have to say: 'One hears of
-one who hears of one of the noble name of Marlow. One hears of one even
-now in his presence.'"
-
- * * * * *
-
-"Yes, that is quite a polite way of saying it. But it would seem that
-with all their circumlocutions they would be inefficient."
-
-"Yet they are quite efficient. They do things so well that it is almost
-imperative that we learn from them. Yet for all our contacts, for all
-their extreme politeness coupled with their seeming openness, we have
-been able to learn almost nothing. We cannot learn the secret of the
-amazing productivity of their fields. According to Sharper, another of
-the young pilots, they suggest (though so circumspectly that it seems
-hardly a suggestion, certainly not a criticism) that if we were more
-polite to our own plants, the plants would be more productive for us;
-and if we gave the plants the ultimate of politeness, they would give
-us the ultimate of production."
-
-"Could I talk to Sharper, or is he also--"
-
-"No, he is not dead. He was quite well till the last several days. Now,
-however, he is ailing, but I believe it will be possible for you to
-talk to him before you leave, if he does not worsen."
-
-"It would still seem difficult for the Puds to get anything done.
-Wouldn't a superior be too polite to give a reprimand to an inferior?"
-
-"Probably. But Masters, who visited them, had a theory about it, which
-is that the inferior would be so polite and deferential that he would
-do his best to anticipate a wish or a desire, or would go to any
-lengths to learn the import of an unvoiced preference."
-
-"Is Masters one of the young pilots?"
-
-"No, an old-timer."
-
-"Now you _do_ interest me."
-
-"Dead quite a few years. But it is you who interest me, Marlow. I have
-been told to give you all the information you need about the Polite
-People of Pudibundia. And on the subject of the Polite People, I must
-also be polite. But--saving your presence, and one hears of one who
-hears and all that--what in gehenna is a captain in Homicide on the
-Solar Police Force going to Pudibundia about?"
-
-"About murder. That is all I ever go anywhere about. We once had a
-private motto that we would go to the end of the Earth to solve a case."
-
-"And now you have amended your motto to 'to the end of the Earth and
-beyond'?"
-
-"We have."
-
-"But what have the Polite People to do with murder? Crime is unknown on
-Pudibundia."
-
-"We believe, saving their feelings, that it may not be unknown there.
-And what I am going to find out is this. There have been pilots for
-many years who have brought back stories of the Puds, and there are
-still a few--a very few--young pilots alive to tell those stories. What
-I am going to find out is why there are no old pilots around telling
-those stories."
-
- * * * * *
-
-It wasn't much of a trip for a tripper, six weeks. And Marlow was
-well received. His host also assumed the name of Marlow out of
-politeness. It would have been impossible to render his own name in
-human speech, and it would have been impossible for him to conceive
-of using any name except that of his guest, with its modifiers. Yet
-there was no confusion. Marlow was Marlow, and his host was the
-One-Million-Times-Lesser-Marlow.
-
-"We could progress much faster," said Marlow, "if we dispensed with
-these formalities."
-
-"Or assumed them as already spoken," said the
-One-Million-Times-Lesser-Marlow. "For this, in private, but only in the
-strictest privacy, we use the deferential ball. Within it are all the
-formulae written minutely. You have but to pass the ball from hand to
-hand every time you speak, and it is as if the amenities were spoken.
-I will give you this for the time of your stay. I beg you never to
-forget to pass it from hand to hand every time you speak. Should you
-forget, I would not, of course, be allowed to notice it. But when you
-were gone, I should be forced to kill myself for the shame of it. For
-private reasons I wish to avoid this and therefore beseech you to be
-careful."
-
-The One-Million-Times-Lesser-Marlow (hereafter to be called OMTLM
-for convenience but not out of any lack of politeness) gave Marlow
-a deferential ball, about the size of a ping-pong ball. And so they
-talked.
-
-"As a police official, I am particularly interested in the crime
-situation on Pud," said Marlow. "An index of zero is--well, if I could
-find a politer word I would use it--suspicious. And as you are, as well
-as I can determine, the head police official here, though in politeness
-your office would have another name, I am hoping that you can give me
-information."
-
-"Saving your grace, and formula of a formula, what would you have me
-tell you about?"
-
-"Suppose that a burglar (for politeness sake called something else)
-were apprehended by a policeman (likewise), what would happen?"
-
-"Why, the policeman (not so called, and yet we must be frank) would
-rattle his glottis in the prescribed manner."
-
-"Rattle his gl--I see. He would clear his throat with the appropriate
-sound. And then the burglar (not so called)?"
-
-"Would be covered with shame, it is true, but not fatally. For the
-peace of his own soul, he would leave the site in as dignified a manner
-as possible."
-
-"With or without boodle?"
-
-"Naturally without. One apprehended in the act is obliged to abandon
-his loot. That is only common politeness."
-
-"I see. And if the burglar (not so called) remains unapprehended? How
-is the loss of the goods or property recorded?"
-
-"It goes into the coefficient of general diminution of merchandise,
-which is to say shrinkage, wastage or loss. At certain times and places
-this coefficient becomes alarmingly large. Then it is necessary to use
-extraordinary care; and in extreme cases a thrice-removed burglar may
-become so ashamed of himself that he will die."
-
-"That he will die of shame? Is that a euphemism?"
-
-"Let us say that it is a euphemism of a euphemism."
-
-"Thrice-removed, I imagine. And what of other crimes?"
-
- * * * * *
-
-Here OMTLM rattled his glottis in a nervous manner, and Marlow
-hurriedly transferred his deferential ball to the other hand, having
-nearly forgotten it.
-
-"There being no crime, we can hardly speak of _other_ crimes," said
-OMTLM. "But perhaps in another matter of speaking, you refer to--"
-
-"Crimes of violence," said Marlow.
-
-"Saving your presence, and formula of a formula, what would we have to
-be violent about? What possible cause?"
-
-"The usual: greed, lust, jealousy, anger, revenge, plain perversity."
-
-"Here also it is possible for one to die of shame, sometimes the
-offender, sometimes the victim, sometimes both. A jealous person
-might permit both his wife and her paramour to die of shame. And the
-State in turn might permit him to perish likewise, unless there were
-circumstances to modify the degree of shame; then he might still
-continue to live, often in circumscribed circumstances, for a set
-number of years. Each case must be decided on its own merits."
-
-"I understand your meaning. But why build a fence around it?"
-
-"I do not know what you mean."
-
-"I believe that you do. Why are the Polite People of Pudibundia so
-polite? Is it simply custom?"
-
-"It is more than that," said the polite Pud.
-
-"Then there is a real reason for it? And can you tell it to me?"
-
-"There is a real reason for it. I cannot tell it to you now, though,
-and perhaps not ever. But there is a chance that you may be given a
-demonstration of it just before you leave. And if you are very wise,
-you may be able then to guess the reason. I believe that there are
-several who have guessed it. I hope that we will have time for other
-discussions before you leave our sphere. And I sincerely do hope
-that your stay on Pudibundia is a pleasant one. And now, saving your
-presence, we must part. Formula of a formula."
-
-"Formula of a formula and all that," said Marlow, and went to discover
-the pleasures of Pudibundia.
-
-Among the pleasures of Pud was Mitzi (Miniature Image a
-thousand-times-removed of the Zestful Irma) who had now shaped up into
-something very nice. And shaped up is the correct term.
-
-At first Marlow was shocked by the appearance of all the females he met
-on Pud. Crude-featured, almost horse-faced, how could they all look
-like that? And he was even more shocked when he finally realized the
-reason. He had become used to the men there looking like himself out of
-politeness. And this--this abomination--was the female version of his
-own appearance!
-
-But he was a man of resources. He took from his pocket a small picture
-of Irma that he always carried, and showed it to the most friendly of
-the girls.
-
-"Could you possibly--?"
-
-"Look like that? Why, of course. Let me study it for a moment. Now,
-then."
-
-So the girl assumed the face of Irma.
-
-"Incredible," said Marlow, "except Irma is red-headed."
-
-"You have only to ask. The photo is not colored and so I did not know.
-We will try this shade to start with."
-
-"Close, but could you turn it just a little darker?"
-
-"Of course."
-
-And there she was Irma of the most interesting face and wonderful hair.
-But the picture had been of the face only. Below that, the girl was a
-sack. If only there were some way to convey what was lacking.
-
-"You still are not pleased with me," said the Miniature Image a
-thousand-times-removed of the Zestful Irma (Mitzi). "But you have only
-to demonstrate. Show me with your hands."
-
-Marlow with his hands sculptured in the air the figure of Irma as he
-remembered it, and Mitzi assumed the form, first face on, then face
-away, then in profile. And when they had it roughly, they perfected it,
-a little more here, a little less there. But there were points where
-his memory failed him.
-
-"If you could only give me an idea of the convolutions of her ears,"
-said Mitzi, "and the underlying structure of the metatarsus. My only
-desire is to please. Or shall I improvise where you do not remember?"
-
-"Yes, do that, Mitzi."
-
-And how that girl could improvise!
-
- * * * * *
-
-Marlow and Mitzi were now buddies. They made a large evening of it.
-They tied one on; formula of a formula, but they tied one on. They
-went on a thrice-removed bender. At the Betelgeuse Bar and Grill,
-they partook of the cousin of the cousin of the alcohol itself in the
-form of the nono-rhumbezoid, made of nine kinds of rum. At the B-flat
-Starlight Club, they listened to the newest and most exciting music on
-all Pudibundia. At Alligator John's, one checks his inhibitions at the
-door. Here one also checks his deferential ball. Of course the formulae
-are built into the walls and at each exchange it is always assumed that
-they are said.
-
-But the Iris Room is really the ultimate. The light comes through
-seven different colors of glass, and it is very dim when it arrives.
-And there the more daring remove their goggles entirely and go about
-without them in the multi-colored twilight. This is illegal. It is
-even foolhardy. There is no Earthly equivalent to it. To divest oneself
-and disport with Nudists would be tame in comparison. But Mitzi and her
-friends were of the reckless generation, and the Iris Room was their
-rendezvous.
-
-The orgy will not be detailed here. The floor show was wild. Yet we
-cannot credit the rumor that the comedian was so crude as to look
-directly at the audience even in that colored twilight; or they so
-gauche as to laugh outright at the jokes, they who had been taught
-always to murmur, "One knows of one who knows of one who ventures to
-smile." Yet there was no doubting that the Iris Room was a lively
-place. And when they left it at dawn, Marlow was pleased and sleepy and
-tipsy.
-
-There was a week of pleasure on Pudibundia: swimming with Mitzi down
-at West Beach, gourmandizing with Mitzi at Gastrophiles, dancing with
-Mitzi, pub-crawling, romancing, carrying on generally. The money
-exchange was favorable and Marlow was on an expense account. It was a
-delightful time.
-
-But still he did not forget the job he was on, and in the midst of his
-pleasure he sought always for information.
-
-"When I return here," he said slyly, "we will do the many things that
-time does not allow. When I come back here--"
-
-"But you will not return," said Mitzi. "Nobody ever does."
-
-"And why not? It is surely a pleasant place to return to. Why won't I
-return?"
-
-"If you cannot guess, then I cannot tell you. Do you have to know why?"
-
-"Yes, I have to know why. That is why I came here, to find out. To find
-out why the young men who come here will never be able to return here,
-or to anywhere else."
-
-"I can't tell you."
-
-"Then give me a clue."
-
-"In the Iris Room was a clue. It was not till the color-filtered light
-intruded between us that we might safely take off our goggles. I would
-save you if I could. I want you to come back. But those higher in
-authority make the decisions. When you leave, you will not return here,
-or anywhere else. But already one has spoken to one who has spoken to
-one who has spoken too much."
-
-"There is a point beyond which politeness is no longer a virtue, Mitzi."
-
-"I know. If I could change it, I would."
-
- * * * * *
-
-So the period of the visit was at an end, and Marlow was at his last
-conference with OMTLM, following which he would leave Pudibundia,
-perhaps forever.
-
-"Is there anything at all else you would like to know?" asked OMTLM.
-
-"There is almost _everything_ that I still want to know. I have found
-out nothing."
-
-"Then ask."
-
-"I don't know how. If I knew the questions to ask, it is possible that
-I would already know the answers."
-
-"Yes, that is entirely possible."
-
-OMTLM seemed to look at him with amused eyes. And yet the eyes were
-hidden behind purple goggles. Marlow had never seen the eyes of OMTLM.
-He had never seen the eyes of any of the Puds. Even in the Iris Room,
-in that strangely colored light, it had not been possible to see their
-eyes.
-
-"Are you compelling me to do something?" asked Marlow.
-
-"I may be compelling you to think of the question that has eluded you."
-
-"Would you swear that I have not been given some fatal sickness?"
-
-"I can swear that to the very best of my knowledge you have not."
-
-"Are you laughing at me with your eyes?"
-
-"No. My eyes have compassion for you."
-
-"I have to see them."
-
-"You are asking that?"
-
-"Yes. I believe the answer to my question is there," Marlow said firmly.
-
-OMTLM took off his purple goggles. His were clear, intelligent eyes
-and there was genuine compassion in them.
-
-"Thank you," said Marlow. "If the answer is there, it still eludes me.
-I have failed in my mission for information. But I will return again. I
-will still find out what it is that is wrong here."
-
-"No, you will not return."
-
-"What will prevent me?" asked Marlow.
-
-"Your death in a very few weeks."
-
-"What will I die of?"
-
-"What did all your young pilots die of?"
-
-"But you swore that you did not know of any sickness I could have
-caught here!" Marlow cried.
-
-"That was true when I said it. It was not true a moment later."
-
-"Did all the pilots ask to see your eyes?"
-
-"Yes. All. Curiosity is a failing of you Earthlings."
-
-"Is it that the direct gaze of the Puds kills?"
-
-"Yes. Even ourselves it would kill. That is why we have our eyes always
-shielded. That is also why we erect another shield: that of our ritual
-politeness, so that we may never forget that too intimate an encounter
-of our persons may be fatal."
-
-"Then you have just murdered me?"
-
-"Let us say rather that one hears of one who hears of one who killed
-unwillingly."
-
-"Why did you do it to me?" demanded Marlow.
-
-"You asked to see my eyes. It would not be polite to refuse."
-
-"It takes you several weeks to kill. I can do it in a few seconds."
-
-"You would be wrong to try. Our second glance kills instantly."
-
-"Let's see if it's faster than a gun!"
-
- * * * * *
-
-But OMTLM had not lied.
-
-It is not polite to lie on Pudibundia.
-
-Marlow died instantly.
-
-And that is why (though you may sometimes hear a young pilot tell
-amusing stories immediately--oh, very immediately--on his return from
-Pudibundia) you will never find an old pilot who has ever been there.
-
-
-
-
-
-End of Project Gutenberg's The Polite People of Pudibundia, by R. A. Lafferty
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