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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/5958.txt b/5958.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d60b014 --- /dev/null +++ b/5958.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4127 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Physiology of Marriage, Part III. +by Honore de Balzac + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Physiology of Marriage, Part III. + +Author: Honore de Balzac + +Release Date: July 4, 2005 [EBook #5958] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE PHYSIOLOGY OF MARRIAGE *** + + + + +Produced by Dagny; and John Bickers + + + + + + THE PHYSIOLOGY OF MARRIAGE + + THIRD PART + + BY + + HONORE DE BALZAC + + + + RELATING TO CIVIL WAR. + + "Lovely as the seraphs of Klopstock, + Terrible as the devils of Milton." + --DIDEROT. + + + + MEDITATION XXIII. + + OF MANIFESTOES. + +The Preliminary precepts, by which science has been enabled at this +point to put weapons into the hand of a husband, are few in number; it +is not of so much importance to know whether he will be vanquished, as +to examine whether he can offer any resistance in the conflict. + +Meanwhile, we will set up here certain beacons to light up the arena +where a husband is soon to find himself, in alliance with religion and +law, engaged single-handed in a contest with his wife, who is +supported by her native craft and the whole usages of society as her +allies. + + + LXXXII. + Anything may be expected and anything may be supposed of a woman who + is in love. + + + LXXXIII. + The actions of a woman who intends to deceive her husband are almost + always the result of study, but never dictated by reason. + + + LXXXIV. +The greater number of women advance like the fleas, by erratic leaps +and bounds, They owe their escape to the height or depth of their +first ideas, and any interruption of their plans rather favors their +execution. But they operate only within a narrow area which it is easy +for the husband to make still narrower; and if he keeps cool he will +end by extinguishing this piece of living saltpetre. + + + LXXXV. + A husband should never allow himself to address a single disparaging + remark to his wife, in presence of a third party. + + + LXXXVI. +The moment a wife decides to break her marriage vow she reckons her +husband as everything or nothing. All defensive operations must start +from this proposition. + + + LXXXVII. +The life of a woman is either of the head, of the heart, or of +passion. When a woman reaches the age to form an estimate of life, her +husband ought to find out whether the primary cause of her intended +infidelity proceeds from vanity, from sentiment or from temperament. +Temperament may be remedied like disease; sentiment is something in +which the husband may find great opportunities of success; but vanity +is incurable. A woman whose life is of the head may be a terrible +scourge. She combines the faults of a passionate woman with those of +the tender-hearted woman, without having their palliations. She is +destitute alike of pity, love, virtue or sex. + + + LXXXVIII. +A woman whose life is of the head will strive to inspire her husband +with indifference; the woman whose life is of the heart, with hatred; +the passionate woman, with disgust. + + + LXXXIX. +A husband never loses anything by appearing to believe in the fidelity +of his wife, by preserving an air of patience and by keeping silence. +Silence especially troubles a woman amazingly. + + + XC. +To show himself aware of the passion of his wife is the mark of a +fool; but to affect ignorance of all proves that a man has sense, and +this is in fact the only attitude to take. We are taught, moreover, +that everybody in France is sensible. + + + XCI. +The rock most to be avoided is ridicule.--"At least, let us be +affectionate in public," ought to be the maxim of a married +establishment. For both the married couple to lose honor, esteem, +consideration, respect and all that is worth living for in society, is + to become a nonentity. + + +These axioms relate to the contest alone. As for the catastrophe, +others will be needed for that. + + + +We have called this crisis _Civil War_ for two reasons; never was a +war more really intestine and at the same time so polite as this war. +But in what point and in what manner does this fatal war break out? +You do not believe that your wife will call out regiments and sound +the trumpet, do you? She will, perhaps, have a commanding officer, but +that is all. And this feeble army corps will be sufficient to destroy +the peace of your establishment. + +"You forbid me to see the people that I like!" is an exordium which +has served for a manifesto in most homes. This phrase, with all the +ideas that are concomitant, is oftenest employed by vain and +artificial women. + +The most usual manifesto is that which is proclaimed in the conjugal +bed, the principal theatre of war. This subject will be treated in +detail in the Meditation entitled: _Of Various Weapons_, in the +paragraph, _Of Modesty in its Connection with Marriage_. + +Certain women of a lymphatic temperament will pretend to have the +spleen and will even feign death, if they can only gain thereby the +benefit of a secret divorce. + +But most of them owe their independence to the execution of a plan, +whose effect upon the majority of husbands is unfailing and whose +perfidies we will now reveal. + +One of the greatest of human errors springs from the belief that our +honor and our reputation are founded upon our actions, or result from +the approbation which the general conscience bestows upon on conduct. +A man who lives in the world is born to be a slave to public opinion. +Now a private man in France has less opportunity of influencing the +world than his wife, although he has ample occasion for ridiculing it. +Women possess to a marvelous degree the art of giving color by +specious arguments to the recriminations in which they indulge. They +never set up any defence, excepting when they are in the wrong, and in +this proceeding they are pre-eminent, knowing how to oppose arguments +by precedents, proofs by assertions, and thus they very often obtain +victory in minor matters of detail. They see and know with admirable +penetration, when one of them presents to another a weapon which she +herself is forbidden to whet. It is thus that they sometimes lose a +husband without intending it. They apply the match and long afterwards +are terror-stricken at the conflagration. + +As a general thing, all women league themselves against a married man +who is accused of tyranny; for a secret tie unites them all, as it +unites all priests of the same religion. They hate each other, yet +shield each other. You can never gain over more than one of them; and +yet this act of seduction would be a triumph for your wife. + +You are, therefore, outlawed from the feminine kingdom. You see +ironical smiles on every lip, you meet an epigram in every answer. +These clever creatures force their daggers and amuse themselves by +sculpturing the handle before dealing you a graceful blow. + +The treacherous art of reservation, the tricks of silence, the malice +of suppositions, the pretended good nature of an inquiry, all these +arts are employed against you. A man who undertakes to subjugate his +wife is an example too dangerous to escape destruction from them, for +will not his conduct call up against them the satire of every husband? +Moreover, all of them will attack you, either by bitter witticisms, or +by serious arguments, or by the hackneyed maxims of gallantry. A swarm +of celibates will support all their sallies and you will be assailed +and persecuted as an original, a tyrant, a bad bed-fellow, an +eccentric man, a man not to be trusted. + +Your wife will defend you like the bear in the fable of La Fontaine; +she will throw paving stones at your head to drive away the flies that +alight on it. She will tell you in the evening all the things that +have been said about you, and will ask an explanation of acts which +you never committed, and of words which you never said. She professes +to have justified you for faults of which you are innocent; she has +boasted of a liberty which she does not possess, in order to clear you +of the wrong which you have done in denying that liberty. The +deafening rattle which your wife shakes will follow you everywhere +with its obtrusive din. Your darling will stun you, will torture you, +meanwhile arming herself by making you feel only the thorns of married +life. She will greet you with a radiant smile in public, and will be +sullen at home. She will be dull when you are merry, and will make you +detest her merriment when you are moody. Your two faces will present a +perpetual contrast. + +Very few men have sufficient force of mind not to succumb to this +preliminary comedy, which is always cleverly played, and resembles the +_hourra_ raised by the Cossacks, as they advance to battle. Many +husbands become irritated and fall into irreparable mistakes. Others +abandon their wives. And, indeed, even those of superior intelligence +do not know how to get hold of the enchanted ring, by which to dispel +this feminine phantasmagoria. + +Two-thirds of such women are enabled to win their independence by this +single manoeuvre, which is no more than a review of their forces. In +this case the war is soon ended. + +But a strong man who courageously keeps cool throughout this first +assault will find much amusement in laying bare to his wife, in a +light and bantering way, the secret feelings which make her thus +behave, in following her step by step through the labyrinth which she +treads, and telling her in answer to her every remark, that she is +false to herself, while he preserves throughout a tone of pleasantry +and never becomes excited. + +Meanwhile war is declared, and if her husband has not been dazzled by +these first fireworks, a woman has yet many other resources for +securing her triumph; and these it is the purpose of the following +Meditations to discover. + + + + MEDITATION XXIV. + + PRINCIPLES OF STRATEGY. + +The Archduke Charles published a very fine treatise on military under +the title _Principles of Strategy in Relation to the Campaigns of +1796_. These principles seem somewhat to resemble poetic canons +prepared for poems already published. In these days we are become very +much more energetic, we invent rules to suit works and works to suit +rules. But of what use were ancient principles of military art in +presence of the impetuous genius of Napoleon? If, to-day, however, we +reduce to a system the lessons taught by this great captain whose new +tactics have destroyed the ancient ones, what future guarantee do we +possess that another Napoleon will not yet be born? Books on military +art meet, with few exceptions, the fate of ancient works on Chemistry +and Physics. Everything is subject to change, either constant or +periodic. + +This, in a few words, is the history of our work. + +So long as we have been dealing with a woman who is inert or lapped in +slumber, nothing has been easier than to weave the meshes with which +we have bound her; but the moment she wakes up and begins to struggle, +all is confusion and complication. If a husband would make an effort +to recall the principles of the system which we have just described in +order to involve his wife in the nets which our second part has set +for her, he would resemble Wurmser, Mack and Beaulieu arranging their +halts and their marches while Napoleon nimbly turns their flank, and +makes use of their own tactics to destroy them. + +This is just what your wife will do. + +How is it possible to get at the truth when each of you conceals it +under the same lie, each setting the same trap for the other? And +whose will be the victory when each of you is caught in a similar +snare? + +"My dear, I have to go out; I have to pay a visit to Madame So and So. +I have ordered the carriage. Would you like to come with me? Come, be +good, and go with your wife." + +You say to yourself: + +"She would be nicely caught if I consented! She asks me only to be +refused." + +Then you reply to her: + +"Just at the moment I have some business with Monsieur Blank, for he +has to give a report in a business matter which deeply concerns us +both, and I must absolutely see him. Then I must go to the Minister of +Finance. So your arrangement will suit us both." + +"Very well, dearest, go and dress yourself, while Celine finishes +dressing me; but don't keep me waiting." + +"I am ready now, love," you cry out, at the end of ten minutes, as you +stand shaved and dressed. + +But all is changed. A letter has arrived; madame is not well; her +dress fits badly; the dressmaker has come; if it is not the dressmaker +it is your mother. Ninety-nine out of a hundred husbands will leave +the house satisfied, believing that their wives are well guarded, +when, as a matter of fact, the wives have gotten rid of them. + +A lawful wife who from her husband cannot escape, who is not +distressed by pecuniary anxiety, and who in order to give employment +to a vacant mind, examines night and day the changing tableaux of each +day's experience, soon discovers the mistake she has made in falling +into a trap or allowing herself to be surprised by a catastrophe; she +will then endeavor to turn all these weapons against you. + +There is a man in society, the sight of whom is strangely annoying to +your wife; she can tolerate neither his tone, his manners nor his way +of regarding things. Everything connected with him is revolting to +her; she is persecuted by him, he is odious to her; she hopes that no +one will tell him this. It seems almost as if she were attempting to +oppose you; for this man is one for whom you have the highest esteem. +You like his disposition because he flatters you; and thus your wife +presumes that your esteem for him results from flattered vanity. When +you give a ball, an evening party or a concert, there is almost a +discussion on this subject, and madame picks a quarrel with you, +because you are compelling her to see people who are not agreeable to +her. + +"At least, sir, I shall never have to reproach myself with omitting to +warn you. That man will yet cause you trouble. You should put some +confidence in women when they pass sentence on the character of a man. +And permit me to tell you that this baron, for whom you have such a +predilection, is a very dangerous person, and you are doing very wrong +to bring him to your house. And this is the way you behave; you +absolutely force me to see one whom I cannot tolerate, and if I ask +you to invite Monsieur A-----, you refuse to do so, because you think +that I like to have him with me! I admit that he talks well, that he +is kind and amiable; but you are more to me than he can ever be." + +These rude outlines of feminine tactics, which are emphasized by +insincere gestures, by looks of feigned ingenuousness, by artful +intonations of the voice and even by the snare of cunning silence, are +characteristic to some degree of their whole conduct. + +There are few husbands who in such circumstances as these do not form +the idea of setting a mouse-trap; they welcome as their guests both +Monsieur A----- and the imaginary baron who represents the person whom +their wives abhor, and they do so in the hope of discovering a lover +in the celibate who is apparently beloved. + +Oh yes, I have often met in the world young men who were absolutely +starlings in love and complete dupes of a friendship which women +pretended to show them, women who felt themselves obliged to make a +diversion and to apply a blister to their husbands as their husbands +had previously done to them! These poor innocents pass their time in +running errands, in engaging boxes at the theatre, in riding in the +Bois de Boulogne by the carriages of their pretended mistresses; they +are publicly credited with possessing women whose hands they have not +even kissed. Vanity prevents them from contradicting these flattering +rumors, and like the young priests who celebrate masses without a +Host, they enjoy a mere show passion, and are veritable +supernumeraries of love. + +Under these circumstances sometimes a husband on returning home asks +the porter: "Has no one been here?"--"M. le Baron came past at two +o'clock to see monsieur; but as he found no one was in but madame he +went away; but Monsieur A----- is with her now." + +You reach the drawing-room, you see there a young celibate, sprightly, +scented, wearing a fine necktie, in short a perfect dandy. He is a man +who holds you in high esteem; when he comes to your house your wife +listens furtively for his footsteps; at a ball she always dances with +him. If you forbid her to see him, she makes a great outcry and it is +not till many years afterwards [see Meditation on _Las Symptoms_] that +you see the innocence of Monsieur A----- and the culpability of the +baron. + +We have observed and noted as one of the cleverest manoeuvres, that of +a young woman who, carried away by an irresistible passion, exhibited +a bitter hatred to the man she did not love, but lavished upon her +lover secret intimations of her love. The moment that her husband was +persuaded that she loved the _Cicisbeo_ and hated the _Patito_, she +arranged that she and the _Patito_ should be found in a situation +whose compromising character she had calculated in advance, and her +husband and the execrated celibate were thus induced to believe that +her love and her aversion were equally insincere. When she had brought +her husband into the condition of perplexity, she managed that a +passionate letter should fall into his hands. One evening in the midst +of the admirable catastrophe which she had thus brought to a climax, +madame threw herself at her husband's feet, wet them with her tears, +and thus concluded the climax to her own satisfaction. + +"I esteem and honor you profoundly," she cried, "for keeping your own +counsel as you have done. I am in love! Is this a sentiment which is +easy for me to repress? But what I can do is to confess the fact to +you; to implore you to protect me from myself, to save me from my own +folly. Be my master and be a stern master to me; take me away from +this place, remove me from what has caused all this trouble, console +me; I will forget him, I desire to do so. I do not wish to betray you. +I humbly ask your pardon for the treachery love has suggested to me. +Yes, I confess to you that the love which I pretended to have for my +cousin was a snare set to deceive you. I love him with the love of +friendship and no more.--Oh! forgive me! I can love no one but"--her +voice was choked in passionate sobs--"Oh! let us go away, let us leave +Paris!" + +She began to weep; her hair was disheveled, her dress in disarray; it +was midnight, and her husband forgave her. From henceforth, the cousin +made his appearance without risk, and the Minotaur devoured one victim +more. + +What instructions can we give for contending with such adversaries as +these? Their heads contain all the diplomacy of the congress of +Vienna; they have as much power when they are caught as when they +escape. What man has a mind supple enough to lay aside brute force and +strength and follow his wife through such mazes as these? + +To make a false plea every moment, in order to elicit the truth, a +true plea in order to unmask falsehood; to charge the battery when +least expected, and to spike your gun at the very moment of firing it; +to scale the mountain with the enemy, in order to descend to the plain +again five minutes later; to accompany the foe in windings as rapid, +as obscure as those of a plover on the breezes; to obey when obedience +is necessary, and to oppose when resistance is inertial; to traverse +the whole scale of hypotheses as a young artist with one stroke runs +from the lowest to the highest note of his piano; to divine at last +the secret purpose on which a woman is bent; to fear her caresses and +to seek rather to find out what are the thoughts that suggested them +and the pleasure which she derived from them--this is mere child's pay +for the man of intellect and for those lucid and searching +imaginations which possess the gift of doing and thinking at the same +time. But there are a vast number of husbands who are terrified at the +mere idea of putting in practice these principles in their dealings +with a woman. + +Such men as these prefer passing their lives in making huge efforts to +become second-class chess-players, or to pocket adroitly a ball in +billiards. + +Some of them will tell you that they are incapable of keeping their +minds on such a constant strain and breaking up the habits of their +life. In that case the woman triumphs. She recognizes that in mind and +energy she is her husband's superior, although the superiority may be +but temporary; and yet there rises in her a feeling of contempt for +the head of the house. + +If many man fail to be masters in their own house this is not from +lack of willingness, but of talent. As for those who are ready to +undergo the toils of this terrible duel, it is quite true that they +must needs possess great moral force. + +And really, as soon as it is necessary to display all the resources of +this secret strategy, it is often useless to attempt setting any traps +for these satanic creatures. Once women arrive at a point when they +willfully deceive, their countenances become as inscrutable as +vacancy. Here is an example which came within my own experience. + +A very young, very pretty, and very clever coquette of Paris had not +yet risen. Seated by her bed was one of her dearest friends. A letter +arrived from another, a very impetuous fellow, to whom she had allowed +the right of speaking to her like a master. The letter was in pencil +and ran as follows: + +"I understand that Monsieur C----- is with you at this moment. I am +waiting for him to blow his brains out." + +Madame D----- calmly continued the conversation with Monsieur C-----. +She asked him to hand her a little writing desk of red leather which +stood on the table, and he brought it to her. + +"Thanks, my dear," she said to him; "go on talking, I am listening to +you." + +C----- talked away and she replied, all the while writing the +following note: + +"As soon as you become jealous of C----- you two can blow out each +other's brains at your pleasure. As for you, you may die; but brains +--you haven't any brains to blow out." + +"My dear friend," she said to C-----, "I beg you will light this +candle. Good, you are charming. And now be kind enough to leave me and +let me get up, and give this letter to Monsieur d'H-----, who is +waiting at the door." + +All this was said with admirable coolness. The tones and intonations +of her voice, the expression of her face showed no emotion. Her +audacity was crowned with complete success. On receiving the answer +from the hand of Monsieur C-----, Monsieur d'H----- felt his wrath +subside. He was troubled with only one thing and that was how to +disguise his inclination to laugh. + +The more torch-light one flings into the immense cavern which we are +now trying to illuminate, the more profound it appears. It is a +bottomless abyss. It appears to us that our task will be accomplished +more agreeably and more instructively if we show the principles of +strategy put into practice in the case of a woman, when she has +reached a high degree of vicious accomplishment. An example suggests +more maxims and reveals the existence of more methods than all +possible theories. + +One day at the end of a dinner given to certain intimate friends by +Prince Lebrun, the guests, heated by champagne, were discussing the +inexhaustible subject of feminine artifice. The recent adventure which +was credited to the Countess R. D. S. J. D. A-----, apropos of a +necklace, was the subject first broached. A highly esteemed artist, a +gifted friend of the emperor, was vigorously maintaining the opinion, +which seemed somewhat unmanly, that it was forbidden to a man to +resist successfully the webs woven by a woman. + +"It is my happy experience," he said, "that to them nothing is +sacred." + +The ladies protested. + +"But I can cite an instance in point." + +"It is an exception!" + +"Let us hear the story," said a young lady. + +"Yes, tell it to us," cried all the guests. + +The prudent old gentleman cast his eyes around, and, after having +formed his conclusions as to the age of the ladies, smiled and said: + +"Since we are all experienced in life, I consent to relate the +adventure." + +Dead silence followed, and the narrator read the following from a +little book which he had taken from his pocket: + + +I was head over ears in love with the Comtesse de -----. I was twenty +and I was ingenuous. She deceived me. I was angry; she threw me over. +I was ingenuous, I repeat, and I was grieved to lose her. I was +twenty; she forgave me. And as I was twenty, as I was always +ingenuous, always deceived, but never again thrown over by her, I +believed myself to have been the best beloved of lovers, consequently +the happiest of men. The countess had a friend, Madame de T-----, who +seemed to have some designs on me, but without compromising her +dignity; for she was scrupulous and respected the proprieties. One day +while I was waiting for the countess in her Opera box, I heard my name +called from a contiguous box. It was Madame de T-----. + +"What," she said, "already here? Is this fidelity or merely a want of +something to do? Won't you come to me?" + +Her voice and her manner had a meaning in them, but I was far from +inclined at that moment to indulge in a romance. + +"Have you any plans for this evening?" she said to me. "Don't make +any! If I cheer your tedious solitude you ought to be devoted to me. +Don't ask any questions, but obey. Call my servants." + +I answered with a bow and on being requested to leave the Opera box, I +obeyed. + +"Go to this gentleman's house," she said to the lackey. "Say he will +not be home till to-morrow." + +She made a sign to him, he went to her, she whispered in his ear, and +he left us. The Opera began. I tried to venture on a few words, but +she silenced me; some one might be listening. The first act ended, the +lackey brought back a note, and told her that everything was ready. +Then she smiled, asked for my hand, took me off, put me in her +carriage, and I started on my journey quite ignorant of my +destination. Every inquiry I made was answered by a peal of laughter. +If I had not been aware that this was a woman of great passion, that +she had long loved the Marquis de V-----, that she must have known I +was aware of it, I should have believed myself in good luck; but she +knew the condition of my heart, and the Comtesse de -----. I therefore +rejected all presumptuous ideas and bided my time. At the first stop, +a change of horses was supplied with the swiftness of lightning and we +started afresh. The matter was becoming serious. I asked with some +insistency, where this joke was to end. + +"Where?" she said, laughing. "In the pleasantest place in the world, +but can't you guess? I'll give you a thousand chances. Give it up, for +you will never guess. We are going to my husband's house. Do you know +him?" + +"Not in the least." + +"So much the better, I thought you didn't. But I hope you will like +him. We have lately become reconciled. Negotiations went on for six +months; and we have been writing to one another for a month. I think +it is very kind of me to go and look him up." + +"It certainly is, but what am I going to do there? What good will I be +in this reconciliation?" + +"Ah, that is my business. You are young, amiable, unconventional; you +suit me and will save me from the tediousness of a tete-a-tete." + +"But it seems odd to me, to choose the day or the night of a +reconciliation to make us acquainted; the awkwardness of the first +interview, the figure all three of us will cut,--I don't see anything +particularly pleasant in that." + +"I have taken possession of you for my own amusement!" she said with +an imperious air, "so please don't preach." + +I saw she was decided, so surrendered myself to circumstances. I began +to laugh at my predicament and we became exceedingly merry. We again +changed horses. The mysterious torch of night lit up a sky of extreme +clearness and shed around a delightful twilight. We were approaching +the spot where our tete-a-tete must end. She pointed out to me at +intervals the beauty of the landscape, the tranquillity of the night, +the all-pervading silence of nature. In order to admire these things +in company as it was natural we should, we turned to the same window +and our faces touched for a moment. In a sudden shock she seized my +hand, and by a chance which seemed to me extraordinary, for the stone +over which our carriage had bounded could not have been very large, I +found Madame de T----- in my arms. I do not know what we were trying +to see; what I am sure of is that the objects before our eyes began in +spite of the full moon to grow misty, when suddenly I was released +from her weight, and she sank into the back cushions of the carriage. + +"Your object," she said, rousing herself from a deep reverie, "is +possibly to convince me of the imprudence of this proceeding. Judge, +therefore, of my embarrassment!" + +"My object!" I replied, "what object can I have with regard to you? +What a delusion! You look very far ahead; but of course the sudden +surprise or turn of chance may excuse anything." + +"You have counted, then, upon that chance, it seems to me?" + +We had reached our destination, and before we were aware of it, we had +entered the court of the chateau. The whole place was brightly lit up. +Everything wore a festal air, excepting the face of its master, who at +the sight of me seemed anything but delighted. He came forward and +expressed in somewhat hesitating terms the tenderness proper to the +occasion of a reconciliation. I understood later on that this +reconciliation was absolutely necessary from family reasons. I was +presented to him and was coldly greeted. He extended his hand to his +wife, and I followed the two, thinking of my part in the past, in the +present and in the future. I passed through apartments decorated with +exquisite taste. The master in this respect had gone beyond all the +ordinary refinement of luxury, in the hope of reanimating, by the +influence of voluptuous imagery, a physical nature that was dead. Not +knowing what to say, I took refuge in expressions of admiration. The +goddess of the temple, who was quite ready to do the honors, accepted +my compliments. + +"You have not seen anything," she said. "I must take you to the +apartments of my husband." + +"Madame, five years ago I caused them to be pulled down." + +"Oh! Indeed!" said she. + +At the dinner, what must she do but offer the master some fish, on +which he said to her: + +"Madame, I have been living on milk for the last three years." + +"Oh! Indeed!" she said again. + +Can any one imagine three human beings as astonished as we were to +find ourselves gathered together? The husband looked at me with a +supercilious air, and I paid him back with a look of audacity. + +Madame de T----- smiled at me and was charming to me; Monsieur de +T----- accepted me as a necessary evil. Never in all my life have I +taken part in a dinner which was so odd as that. The dinner ended, I +thought that we would go to bed early--that is, I thought that +Monsieur de T----- would. As we entered the drawing-room: + +"I appreciate, madame," said he, "your precaution in bringing this +gentleman with you. You judged rightly that I should be but poor +company for the evening, and you have done well, for I am going to +retire." + +Then turning to me, he added in a tone of profound sarcasm: + +"You will please to pardon me, and obtain also pardon from madame." + +He left us. My reflections? Well, the reflections of a twelvemonth +were then comprised in those of a minute. When we were left alone, +Madame de T----- and I, we looked at each other so curiously that, in +order to break through the awkwardness, she proposed that we should +take a turn on the terrace while we waited, as she said, until the +servants had supped. + +It was a superb night. It was scarcely possible to discern surrounding +objects, they seemed to be covered with a veil, that imagination might +be permitted to take a loftier flight. The gardens, terraced on the +side of a mountain, sloped down, platform after platform, to the banks +of the Seine, and the eye took in the many windings of the stream +covered with islets green and picturesque. These variations in the +landscape made up a thousand pictures which gave to the spot, +naturally charming, a thousand novel features. We walked along the +most extensive of these terraces, which was covered with a thick +umbrage of trees. She had recovered from the effects of her husband's +persiflage, and as we walked along she gave me her confidence. +Confidence begets confidence, and as I told her mine, all she said to +me became more intimate and more interesting. Madame de T----- at +first gave me her arm; but soon this arm became interlaced in mine, I +know not how, but in some way almost lifted her up and prevented her +from touching the ground. The position was agreeable, but became at +last fatiguing. We had been walking for a long time and we still had +much to say to each other. A bank of turf appeared and she sat down +without withdrawing her arm. And in this position we began to sound +the praises of mutual confidence, its charms and its delights. + +"Ah!" she said to me, "who can enjoy it more than we and with less +cause of fear? I know well the tie that binds you to another, and +therefore have nothing to fear." + +Perhaps she wished to be contradicted. But I answered not a word. We +were then mutually persuaded that it was possible for us to be friends +without fear of going further. + +"But I was afraid, however," I said, "that that sudden jolt in the +carriage and the surprising consequences may have frightened you." + +"Oh, I am not so easily alarmed!" + +"I fear it has left a little cloud on your mind?" + +"What must I do to reassure you?" + +"Give me the kiss here which chance--" + +"I will gladly do so; for if I do not, your vanity will lead you to +think that I fear you." + +I took the kiss. + +It is with kisses as with confidences, the first leads to another. +They are multiplied, they interrupt conversation, they take its place; +they scarce leave time for a sigh to escape. Silence followed. We +could hear it, for silence may be heard. We rose without a word and +began to walk again. + +"We must go in," said she, "for the air of the river is icy, and it is +not worth while--" + +"I think to go in would be more dangerous," I answered. + +"Perhaps so! Never mind, we will go in." + +"Why, is this out of consideration for me? You wish doubtless to save +me from the impressions which I may receive from such a walk as this +--the consequences which may result. Is it for me--for me only--?" + +"You are modest," she said smiling, "and you credit me with singular +consideration." + +"Do you think so? Well, since you take it in this way, we will go in; +I demand it." + +A stupid proposition, when made by two people who are forcing +themselves to say something utterly different from what they think. + +Then she compelled me to take the path that led back to the chateau. I +do not know, at least I did not then know, whether this course was one +which she forced upon herself, whether it was the result of a vigorous +resolution, or whether she shared my disappointment in seeing an +incident which had begun so well thus suddenly brought to a close but +by a mutual instinct our steps slackened and we pursued our way +gloomily dissatisfied the one with the other and with ourselves. We +knew not the why and the wherefore of what we were doing. Neither of +us had the right to demand or even to ask anything. We had neither of +us any ground for uttering a reproach. O that we had got up a quarrel! +But how could I pick one with her? Meanwhile we drew nearer and +nearer, thinking how we might evade the duty which we had so awkwardly +imposed upon ourselves. We reached the door, when Madame de T----- +said to me: + +"I am angry with you! After the confidences I have given you, not to +give me a single one! You have not said a word about the countess. And +yet it is so delightful to speak of the one we love! I should have +listened with such interest! It was the very best I could do after I +had taken you away from her!" + +"Cannot I reproach you with the same thing?" I said, interrupting her, +"and if instead of making me a witness to this singular reconciliation +in which I play so odd a part, you had spoken to me of the marquis--" + +"Stop," she said, "little as you know of women, you are aware that +their confidences must be waited for, not asked. But to return to +yourself. Are you very happy with my friend? Ah! I fear the +contrary--" + +"Why, madame, should everything that the public amuses itself by +saying claim our belief?" + +"You need not dissemble. The countess makes less a mystery of things +than you do. Women of her stamp do not keep the secrets of their loves +and of their lovers, especially when you are prompted by discretion to +conceal her triumph. I am far from accusing her of coquetry; but a +prude has as much vanity as a coquette.--Come, tell me frankly, have +you not cause of complaint against her?" + +"But, madame, the air is really too icy for us to stay here. Would you +like to go in?" said I with a smile. + +"Do you find it so?--That is singular. The air is quite warm." + +She had taken my arm again, and we continued to walk, although I did +not know the direction which we took. All that she had hinted at +concerning the lover of the countess, concerning my mistress, together +with this journey, the incident which took place in the carriage, our +conversation on the grassy bank, the time of night, the moonlight--all +made me feel anxious. I was at the same time carried along by vanity, +by desire, and so distracted by thought, that I was too excited +perhaps to take notice of all that I was experiencing. And, while I +was overwhelmed with these mingled feelings, she continued talking to +me of the countess, and my silence confirmed the truth of all that she +chose to say about her. Nevertheless, certain passages in her talk +recalled me to myself. + +"What an exquisite creature she is!" she was saying. "How graceful! On +her lips the utterances of treachery sound like witticism; an act of +infidelity seems the prompting of reason, a sacrifice to propriety; +while she is never reckless, she is always lovable; she is seldom +tender and never sincere; amorous by nature, prudish on principle; +sprightly, prudent, dexterous though utterly thoughtless, varied as +Proteus in her moods, but charming as the Graces in her manner; she +attracts but she eludes. What a number of parts I have seen her play! +_Entre nous_, what a number of dupes hang round her! What fun she has +made of the baron, what a life she has led the marquis! When she took +you, it was merely for the purpose of throwing the two rivals off the +scent; they were on the point of a rupture; for she had played with +them too long, and they had had time to see through her. But she +brought you on the scene. Their attention was called to you, she led +them to redouble their pursuit, she was in despair over you, she +pitied you, she consoled you-- Ah! how happy is a clever woman when in +such a game as this she professes to stake nothing of her own! But +yet, is this true happiness?" + +This last phrase, accompanied by a significant sigh, was a +master-stroke. I felt as if a bandage had fallen from my eyes, without +seeing who had put it there. My mistress appeared to me the falsest of +women, and I believed that I held now the only sensible creature in the +world. Then I sighed without knowing why. She seemed grieved at having +given me pain and at having in her excitement drawn a picture, the +truth of which might be open to suspicion, since it was the work of a +woman. I do not know how I answered; for without realizing the drift +of all I heard, I set out with her on the high road of sentiment, and +we mounted to such lofty heights of feeling that it was impossible to +guess what would be the end of our journey. It was fortunate that we +also took the path towards a pavilion which she pointed out to me at +the end of the terrace, a pavilion, the witness of many sweet moments. +She described to me the furnishing of it. What a pity that she had not +the key! As she spoke we reached the pavilion and found that it was +open. The clearness of the moonlight outside did not penetrate, but +darkness has many charms. We trembled as we went in. It was a +sanctuary. Might it not be the sanctuary of love? We drew near a sofa +and sat down, and there we remained a moment listening to our +heart-beats. The last ray of the moon carried away the last scruple. +The hand which repelled me felt my heart beat. She struggled to get +away, but fell back overcome with tenderness. We talked together +through that silence in the language of thought. Nothing is more +rapturous than these mute conversations. Madame de T----- took refuge +in my arms, hid her head in my bosom, sighed and then grew calm under +my caresses. She grew melancholy, she was consoled, and she asked of +love all that love had robbed her of. The sound of the river broke the +silence of night with a gentle murmur, which seemed in harmony with +the beating of our hearts. Such was the darkness of the place it was +scarcely possible to discern objects; but through the transparent +crepe of a fair summer's night, the queen of that lovely place seemed +to me adorable. + +"Oh!" she said to me with an angelic voice, "let us leave this +dangerous spot. Resistance here is beyond our strength." + +She drew me away and we left the pavilion with regret. + +"Ah! how happy is she!" cried Madame de T-----. + +"Whom do you mean?" I asked. + +"Did I speak?" said she with a look of alarm. + +And then we reached the grassy bank, and stopped there involuntarily. +"What a distance there is," she said to me, "between this place and +the pavilion!" + +"Yes indeed," said I. "But must this bank be always ominous? Is there +a regret? Is there--?" + +I do not know by what magic it took place; but at this point the +conversation changed and became less serious. She ventured even to +speak playfully of the pleasures of love, to eliminate from them all +moral considerations, to reduce them to their simplest elements, and +to prove that the favors of lovers were mere pleasure, that there were +no pledges--philosophically speaking--excepting those which were given +to the world, when we allowed it to penetrate our secrets and joined +it in the acts of indiscretion. + +"How mild is the night," she said, "which we have by chance picked +out! Well, if there are reasons, as I suppose there are, which compel +us to part to-morrow, our happiness, ignored as it is by all nature, +will not leave us any ties to dissolve. There will, perhaps, be some +regrets, the pleasant memory of which will give us reparation; and +then there will be a mutual understanding, without all the delays, the +fuss and the tyranny of legal proceedings. We are such machines--and I +blush to avow it--that in place of all the shrinkings that tormented +me before this scene took place, I was half inclined to embrace the +boldness of these principles, and I felt already disposed to indulge +in the love of liberty. + +"This beautiful night," she continued, "this lovely scenery at this +moment have taken on fresh charms. O let us never forget this +pavilion! The chateau," she added smilingly, "contains a still more +charming place, but I dare not show you anything; you are like a +child, who wishes to touch everything and breaks everything that he +touches." + +Moved by a sentiment of curiosity I protested that I was a very good +child. She changed the subject. + +"This night," she said, "would be for me without a regret if I were +not vexed with myself for what I said to you about the countess. Not +that I wish to find fault with you. Novelty attracts me. You have +found me amiable, I should like to believe in your good faith. But the +dominion of habit takes a long time to break through and I have not +learned the secret of doing this--By the bye, what do you think of my +husband?" + +"Well, he is rather cross, but I suppose he could not be otherwise to +me." + +"Oh, that is true, but his way of life isn't pleasant, and he could +not see you here with indifference. He might be suspicious even of our +friendship." + +"Oh! he is so already." + +"Confess that he has cause. Therefore you must not prolong this visit; +he might take it amiss. As soon as any one arrives--" and she added +with a smile, "some one is going to arrive--you must go. You have to +keep up appearance, you know. Remember his manner when he left us +to-night." + +I was tempted to interpret this adventure as a trap, but as she +noticed the impression made by her words, she added: + +"Oh, he was very much gayer when he was superintending the arrangement +of the cabinet I told you about. That was before my marriage. This +passage leads to my apartment. Alas! it testifies to the cunning +artifices to which Monsieur de T----- has resorted in protecting his +love for me." + +"How pleasant it would be," I said to her, keenly excited by the +curiosity she had roused in me, "to take vengeance in this spot for +the insults which your charms have suffered, and to seek to make +restitution for the pleasures of which you have been robbed." + +She doubtless thought this remark in good taste, but she said: "You +promised to be good!" + + * * * * * + +I threw a veil over the follies which every age will pardon to youth, +on the ground of so many balked desires and bitter memories. In the +morning, scarcely raising her liquid eyes, Madame de T-----, fairer +than ever, said to me: + +"Now will you ever love the countess as much as you do me?" + +I was about to answer when her maid, her confidante, appeared saying: + +"You must go. It is broad daylight, eleven o'clock, and the chateau is +already awake." + +All had vanished like a dream! I found myself wandering through the +corridors before I had recovered my senses. How could I regain my +apartment, not knowing where it was? Any mistake might bring about an +exposure. I resolved on a morning walk. The coolness of the fresh air +gradually tranquilized my imagination and brought me back to the world +of reality; and now instead of a world of enchantment I saw myself in +my soul, and my thoughts were no longer disturbed but followed each +other in connected order; in fact, I breathed once more. I was, above +all things, anxious to learn what I was to her so lately left--I who +knew that she had been desperately in love with the Marquis de V-----. +Could she have broken with him? Had she taken me to be his successor, +or only to punish him? What a night! What an adventure! Yes, and what +a delightful woman! While I floated on the waves of these thoughts, I +heard a sound near at hand. I raised my eyes, I rubbed them, I could +not believe my senses. Can you guess who it was? The Marquis de +V-----! + +"You did not expect to see me so early, did you?" he said. "How has it +all gone off?" + +"Did you know that I was here?" I asked in utter amazement. + +"Oh, yes, I received word just as you left Paris. Have you played your +part well? Did not the husband think your visit ridiculous? Was he put +out? When are you going to take leave? You had better go, I have made +every provision for you. I have brought you a good carriage. It is at +your service. This is the way I requite you, my dear friend. You may +rely on me in the future, for a man is grateful for such services as +yours." + +These last words gave me the key to the whole mystery, and I saw how I +stood. + +"But why should you have come so soon?" I asked him; "it would have +been more prudent to have waited a few days." + +"I foresaw that; and it is only chance that has brought me here. I am +supposed to be on my way back from a neighboring country house. But +has not Madame de T----- taken you into her secret? I am surprised at +her want of confidence, after all you have done for us." + +"My dear friend," I replied, "she doubtless had her reasons. Perhaps I +did not play my part very well." + +"Has everything been very pleasant? Tell me the particulars; come, +tell me." + +"Now wait a moment. I did not know that this was to be a comedy; and +although Madame de T----- gave me a part in the play--" + +"It wasn't a very nice one." + +"Do not worry yourself; there are no bad parts for good actors." + +"I understand, you acquitted yourself well." + +"Admirably." + +"And Madame de T-----?" + +"Is adorable." + +"To think of being able to win such a woman!" said he, stopping short +in our walk, and looking triumphantly at me. "Oh, what pains I have +taken with her! And I have at last brought her to a point where she is +perhaps the only woman in Paris on whose fidelity a man may infallibly +count!" + +"You have succeeded--?" + +"Yes; in that lies my special talent. Her inconstancy was mere +frivolity, unrestrained imagination. It was necessary to change that +disposition of hers, but you have no idea of her attachment to me. But +really, is she not charming?" + +"I quite agree with you." + +"And yet _entre nous_ I recognize one fault in her. Nature in giving +her everything, has denied her that flame divine which puts the crown +on all other endowments; while she rouses in others the ardor of +passion, she feels none herself, she is a thing of marble." + +"I am compelled to believe you, for I have had no opportunity of +judging, but do you think that you know that woman as well as if you +were her husband? It is possible to be deceived. If I had not dined +yesterday with the veritable--I should take you--" + +"By the way, has he been good?" + +"Oh, I was received like a dog!" + +"I understand. Let us go in, let us look for Madame de T-----. She +must be up by this time." + +"But should we not out of decency begin with the husband?" I said to +him. + +"You are right. Let us go to your room, I wish to put on a little +powder. But tell me, did he really take you for her lover?" + +"You may judge by the way he receives me; but let us go at once to his +apartment." + +I wished to avoid having to lead him to an apartment whose whereabouts +I did not know; but by chance we found it. The door was open and there +I saw my _valet de chambre_ asleep on an armchair. A candle was going +out on a table beside him. He drowsily offered a night robe to the +marquis. I was on pins and needles; but the marquis was in a mood to +be easily deceived, took the man for a mere sleepy-head, and made a +joke of the matter. We passed on to the apartment of Monsieur de +T-----. There was no misunderstanding the reception which he accorded +me, and the welcome, the compliments which he addressed to the +marquis, whom he almost forced to stay. He wished to take him to +madame in order that she might insist on his staying. As for me, I +received no such invitation. I was reminded that my health was +delicate, the country was damp, fever was in the air, and I seemed so +depressed that the chateau would prove too gloomy for me. The marquis +offered me his chaise and I accepted it. The husband seemed delighted +and we were all satisfied. But I could not refuse myself the pleasure +of seeing Madame de T----- once more. My impatience was wonderful. My +friend conceived no suspicions from the late sleep of his mistress. + +"Isn't this fine?" he said to me as we followed Monsieur de T-----. +"He couldn't have spoken more kindly if she had dictated his words. He +is a fine fellow. I am not in the least annoyed by this +reconciliation; they will make a good home together, and you will +agree with me, that he could not have chosen a wife better able to do +the honors." + +"Certainly," I replied. + +"However pleasant the adventure has been," he went on with an air of +mystery, "you must be off! I will let Madame de T----- understand that +her secret will be well kept." + +"On that point, my friend, she perhaps counts more on me than on you; +for you see her sleep is not disturbed by the matter." + +"Oh! I quite agree that there is no one like you for putting a woman +to sleep." + +"Yes, and a husband too, and if necessary a lover, my dear friend." + +At last Monsieur de T----- was admitted to his wife's apartment, and +there we were all summoned. + +"I trembled," said Madame de T----- to me, "for fear you would go +before I awoke, and I thank you for saving me the annoyance which that +would have caused me." + +"Madame," I said, and she must have perceived the feeling that was in +my tones--"I come to say good-bye." + +She looked at me and at the marquis with an air of disquietude; but +the self-satisfied, knowing look of her lover reassured her. She +laughed in her sleeve with me as if she would console me as well as +she could, without lowering herself in my eyes. + +"He has played his part well," the marquis said to her in a low voice, +pointing to me, "and my gratitude--" + +"Let us drop the subject," interrupted Madame de T-----; "you may be +sure that I am well aware of all I owe him." + +At last Monsieur de T-----, with a sarcastic remark, dismissed me; my +friend threw the dust in his eyes by making fun of me; and I paid back +both of them by expressing my admiration for Madame de T-----, who +made fools of us all without forfeiting her dignity. I took myself +off; but Madame de T----- followed me, pretending to have a commission +to give me. + +"Adieu, monsieur!" she said, "I am indebted to you for the very great +pleasure you have given me; but I have paid you back with a beautiful +dream," and she looked at me with an expression of subtle meaning. +"But adieu, and forever! You have plucked a solitary flower, +blossoming in its loveliness, which no man--" + +She stopped and her thought evaporated in a sigh; but she checked the +rising flood of sensibility and smiled significantly. + +"The countess loves you," she said. "If I have robbed her of some +transports, I give you back to her less ignorant than before. Adieu! +Do not make mischief between my friend and me." + +She wrung my hand and left me. + + + +More than once the ladies who had mislaid their fans blushed as they +listened to the old gentleman, whose brilliant elocution won their +indulgence for certain details which we have suppressed, as too erotic +for the present age; nevertheless, we may believe that each lady +complimented him in private; for some time afterwards he gave to each +of them, as also to the masculine guests, a copy of this charming +story, twenty-five copies of which were printed by Pierre Didot. It is +from copy No. 24 that the author has transcribed this tale, hitherto +unpublished, and, strange to say, attributed to Dorat. It has the +merit of yielding important lessons for husbands, while at the same +time it gives the celibates a delightful picture of morals in the last +century. + + + + MEDITATION XXV. + + OF ALLIES. + +Of all the miseries that civil war can bring upon a country the +greatest lies in the appeal which one of the contestants always ends +by making to some foreign government. + +Unhappily we are compelled to confess that all women make this great +mistake, for the lover is only the first of their soldiers. It may be +a member of their family or at least a distant cousin. This +Meditation, then, is intended to answer the inquiry, what assistance +can each of the different powers which influence human life give to +your wife? or better than that, what artifices will she resort to to +arm them against you? + +Two beings united by marriage are subject to the laws of religion and +society; to those of private life, and, from considerations of health, +to those of medicine. We will therefore divide this important +Meditation into six paragraphs: + + + 1. OF RELIGIONS AND OF CONFESSION; CONSIDERED IN THEIR CONNECTION + WITH MARRIAGE. + 2. OF THE MOTHER-IN-LAW. + 3. OF BOARDING SCHOOL FRIENDS AND INTIMATE FRIENDS. + 4. OF THE LOVER'S ALLIES. + 5. OF THE MAID. + 6. OF THE DOCTOR. + + + 1. OF RELIGIONS AND OF CONFESSION; CONSIDERED IN THEIR + CONNECTION WITH MARRIAGE. + +La Bruyere has very wittily said, "It is too much for a husband to +have ranged against him both devotion and gallantry; a woman ought to +choose but one of them for her ally." + +The author thinks that La Bruyere is mistaken. + + + 2. OF THE MOTHER-IN-LAW. + +Up to the age of thirty the face of a woman is a book written in a +foreign tongue, which one may still translate in spite of all the +_feminisms_ of the idiom; but on passing her fortieth year a woman +becomes an insoluble riddle; and if any one can see through an old +woman, it is another old woman. + +Some diplomats have attempted on more than one occasion the diabolical +task of gaining over the dowagers who opposed their machinations; but +if they have ever succeeded it was only after making enormous +concessions to them; for diplomats are practiced people and we do not +think that you can employ their recipe in dealing with your +mother-in-law. She will be the first aid-de-camp of her daughter, for +if the mother did not take her daughter's side, it would be one of +those monstrous and unnatural exceptions, which unhappily for husbands +are extremely rare. + +When a man is so happy as to possess a mother-in-law who is +well-preserved, he may easily keep her in check for a certain time, +although he may not know any young celibate brave enough to assail +her. But generally husbands who have the slightest conjugal genius +will find a way of pitting their own mother against that of their +wife, and in that case they will naturally neutralize each other's +power. + +To be able to keep a mother-in-law in the country while he lives in +Paris, and vice versa, is a piece of good fortune which a husband too +rarely meets with. + +What of making mischief between the mother and the daughter?--That may +be possible; but in order to accomplish such an enterprise he must +have the metallic heart of Richelieu, who made a son and a mother +deadly enemies to each other. However, the jealousy of a husband who +forbids his wife to pray to male saints and wishes her to address only +female saints, would allow her liberty to see her mother. + +Many sons-in-law take an extreme course which settles everything, +which consists in living on bad terms with their mothers-in-law. This +unfriendliness would be very adroit policy, if it did not inevitably +result in drawing tighter the ties that unite mother and daughter. +These are about all the means which you have for resisting maternal +influence in your home. As for the services which your wife can claim +from her mother, they are immense; and the assistance which she may +derive from the neutrality of her mother is not less powerful. But on +this point everything passes out of the domain of science, for all is +veiled in secrecy. The reinforcements which a mother brings up in +support of a daughter are so varied in nature, they depend so much on +circumstances, that it would be folly to attempt even a nomenclature +for them. Yet you may write out among the most valuable precepts of +this conjugal gospel, the following maxims. + +A husband should never let his wife visit her mother unattended. + +A husband ought to study all the reasons why all the celibates under +forty who form her habitual society are so closely united by ties of +friendship to his mother-in-law; for, if a daughter rarely falls in +love with the lover of her mother, her mother has always a weak spot +for her daughter's lover. + + + 3. OF BOARDING SCHOOL FRIENDS AND INTIMATE FRIENDS. + +Louise de L-----, daughter of an officer killed at Wagram, had been +the object of Napoleon's special protection. She left Ecouen to marry +a commissary general, the Baron de V-----, who is very rich. + +Louise was eighteen and the baron forty. She was ordinary in face and +her complexion could not be called white, but she had a charming +figure, good eyes, a small foot, a pretty hand, good taste and +abundant intelligence. The baron, worn out by the fatigues of war and +still more by the excesses of a stormy youth, had one of those faces +upon which the Republic, the Directory, the Consulate and the Empire +seemed to have set their impress. + +He became so deeply in love with his wife, that he asked and obtained +from the Emperor a post at Paris, in order that he might be enabled to +watch over his treasure. He was as jealous as Count Almaviva, still +more from vanity than from love. The young orphan had married her +husband from necessity, and, flattered by the ascendancy she wielded +over a man much older than herself, waited upon his wishes and his +needs; but her delicacy was offended from the first days of their +marriage by the habits and ideas of a man whose manners were tinged +with republican license. He was a predestined. + +I do not know exactly how long the baron made his honeymoon last, nor +when war was declared in his household; but I believe it happened in +1816, at a very brilliant ball given by Monsieur D-----, a +commissariat officer, that the commissary general, who had been +promoted head of the department, admired the beautiful Madame B-----, +the wife of a banker, and looked at her much more amorously than a +married man should have allowed himself to do. + +At two o'clock in the morning it happened that the banker, tired of +waiting any longer, went home leaving his wife at the ball. + +"We are going to take you home to your house," said the baroness to +Madame B-----. "Monsieur de V-----, offer your arm to Emilie!" + +And now the baron is seated in his carriage next to a woman who, +during the whole evening, had been offered and had refused a thousand +attentions, and from whom he had hoped in vain to win a single look. +There she was, in all the lustre of her youth and beauty, displaying +the whitest shoulders and the most ravishing lines of beauty. Her +face, which still reflected the pleasures of the evening, seemed to +vie with the brilliancy of her satin gown; her eyes to rival the blaze +of her diamonds; and her skin to cope with the soft whiteness of the +marabouts which tied in her hair, set off the ebon tresses and the +ringlets dangling from her headdress. Her tender voice would stir the +chords of the most insensible hearts; in a word, so powerfully did she +wake up love in the human breast that Robert d'Abrissel himself would +perhaps have yielded to her. + +The baron glanced at his wife, who, overcome with fatigue, had sunk to +sleep in a corner of the carriage. He compared, in spite of himself, +the toilette of Louise and that of Emilie. Now on occasions of this +kind the presence of a wife is singularly calculated to sharpen the +unquenchable desires of a forbidden love. Moreover, the glances of the +baron, directed alternately to his wife and to her friend, were easy +to interpret, and Madame B----- interpreted them. + +"Poor Louise," she said, "she is overtired. Going out does not suit +her, her tastes are so simple. At Ecouen she was always reading--" + +"And you, what used you to do?" + +"I, sir? Oh, I thought about nothing but acting comely. It was my +passion!" + +"But why do you so rarely visit Madame de V-----? We have a country +house at Saint-Prix, where we could have a comedy acted, in a little +theatre which I have built there." + +"If I have not visited Madame de V-----, whose fault is it?" she +replied. "You are so jealous that you will not allow her either to +visit her friends or to receive them." + +"I jealous!" cried Monsieur de V-----, "after four years of marriage, +and after having had three children!" + +"Hush," said Emilie, striking the fingers of the baron with her fan, +"Louise is not asleep!" + +The carriage stopped, and the baron offered his hand to his wife's +fair friend and helped her to get out. + +"I hope," said Madame B-----, "that you will not prevent Louise from +coming to the ball which I am giving this week." + +The baron made her a respectful bow. + +This ball was a triumph of Madame B-----'s and the ruin of the husband +of Louise; for he became desperately enamored of Emilie, to whom he +would have sacrificed a hundred lawful wives. + +Some months after that evening on which the baron gained some hopes of +succeeding with his wife's friend, he found himself one morning at the +house of Madame B-----, when the maid came to announce the Baroness de +V-----. + +"Ah!" cried Emilie, "if Louise were to see you with me at such an hour +as this, she would be capable of compromising me. Go into that closet +and don't make the least noise." + +The husband, caught like a mouse in a trap, concealed himself in the +closet. + +"Good-day, my dear!" said the two women, kissing each other. + +"Why are you come so early?" asked Emilie. + +"Oh! my dear, cannot you guess? I came to have an understanding with +you!" + +"What, a duel?" + +"Precisely, my dear. I am not like you, not I! I love my husband and +am jealous of him. You! you are beautiful, charming, you have the +right to be a coquette, you can very well make fun of B-----, to whom +your virtue seems to be of little importance. But as you have plenty +of lovers in society, I beg you that you will leave me my husband. He +is always at your house, and he certainly would not come unless you +were the attraction." + +"What a very pretty jacket you have on." + +"Do you think so? My maid made it." + +"Then I shall get Anastasia to take a lesson from Flore--" + +"So, then, my dear, I count on your friendship to refrain from +bringing trouble in my house." + +"But, my child, I do not know how you can conceive that I should fall +in love with your husband; he is coarse and fat as a deputy of the +centre. He is short and ugly--Ah! I will allow that he is generous, +but that is all you can say for him, and this is a quality which is +all in all only to opera girls; so that you can understand, my dear, +that if I were choosing a lover, as you seem to suppose I am, I +wouldn't choose an old man like your baron. If I have given him any +hopes, if I have received him, it was certainly for the purpose of +amusing myself, and of giving you liberty; for I believed you had a +weakness for young Rostanges." + +"I?" exclaimed Louise, "God preserve me from it, my dear; he is the +most intolerable coxcomb in the world. No, I assure you, I love my +husband! You may laugh as you choose; it is true. I know it may seem +ridiculous, but consider, he has made my fortune, he is no miser, and +he is everything to me, for it has been my unhappy lot to be left an +orphan. Now even if I did not love him, I ought to try to preserve his +esteem. Have I a family who will some day give me shelter?" + +"Come, my darling, let us speak no more about it," said Emilie, +interrupting her friend, "for it tires me to death." + +After a few trifling remarks the baroness left. + +"How is this, monsieur?" cried Madame B-----, opening the door of the +closet where the baron was frozen with cold, for this incident took +place in winter; "how is this? Aren't you ashamed of yourself for not +adoring a little wife who is so interesting? Don't speak to me of +love; you may idolize me, as you say you do, for a certain time, but +you will never love me as you love Louise. I can see that in your +heart I shall never outweigh the interest inspired by a virtuous wife, +children, and a family circle. I should one day be deserted and become +the object of your bitter reflections. You would coldly say of me 'I +have had that woman!' That phrase I have heard pronounced by men with +the most insulting indifference. You see, monsieur, that I reason in +cold blood, and that I do not love you, because you never would be +able to love me." + +"What must I do then to convince you of my love?" cried the baron, +fixing his gaze on the young woman. + +She had never appeared to him so ravishingly beautiful as at that +moment, when her soft voice poured forth a torrent of words whose +sternness was belied by the grace of her gestures, by the pose of her +head and by her coquettish attitude. + +"Oh, when I see Louise in possession of a lover," she replied, "when I +know that I am taking nothing away from her, and that she has nothing +to regret in losing your affection; when I am quite sure that you love +her no longer, and have obtained certain proof of your indifference +towards her--Oh, then I may listen to you!--These words must seem +odious to you," she continued in an earnest voice; "and so indeed they +are, but do not think that they have been pronounced by me. I am the +rigorous mathematician who makes his deductions from a preliminary +proposition. You are married, and do you deliberately set about making +love to some one else? I should be mad to give any encouragement to a +man who cannot be mine eternally." + +"Demon!" exclaimed the husband. "Yes, you are a demon, and not a +woman!" + +"Come now, you are really amusing!" said the young woman as she seized +the bell-rope. + +"Oh! no, Emilie," continued the lover of forty, in a calmer voice. "Do +not ring; stop, forgive me! I will sacrifice everything for you." + +"But I do not promise you anything!" she answered quickly with a +laugh. + +"My God! How you make me suffer!" he exclaimed. + +"Well, and have not you in your life caused the unhappiness of more +than one person?" she asked. "Remember all the tears which have been +shed through you and for you! Oh, your passion does not inspire me +with the least pity. If you do not wish to make me laugh, make me +share your feelings." + +"Adieu, madame, there is a certain clemency in your sternness. I +appreciate the lesson you have taught me. Yes, I have many faults to +expiate." + +"Well then, go and repent of them," she said with a mocking smile; "in +making Louise happy you will perform the rudest penance in your +power." + +They parted. But the love of the baron was too violent to allow of +Madame B-----'s harshness failing to accomplish her end, namely, the +separation of the married couple. + +At the end of some months the Baron de V----- and his wife lived +apart, though they lived in the same mansion. The baroness was the +object of universal pity, for in public she always did justice to her +husband and her resignation seemed wonderful. The most prudish women +of society found nothing to blame in the friendship which united +Louise to the young Rostanges. And all was laid to the charge of +Monsieur de V-----'s folly. + +When this last had made all the sacrifices that a man could make for +Madame B-----, his perfidious mistress started for the waters of Mount +Dore, for Switzerland and for Italy, on the pretext of seeking the +restoration of her health. + +The baron died of inflammation of the liver, being attended during his +sickness by the most touching ministrations which his wife could +lavish upon him; and judging from the grief which he manifested at +having deserted her, he seemed never to have suspected her +participation in the plan which had been his ruin. + +This anecdote, which we have chosen from a thousand others, +exemplifies the services which two women can render each other. + +From the words--"Let me have the pleasure of bringing my husband" up +to the conception of the drama, whose denouement was inflammation of +the liver, every female perfidy was assembled to work out the end. +Certain incidents will, of course, be met with which diversify more or +less the typical example which we have given, but the march of the +drama is almost always the same. Moreover a husband ought always to +distrust the woman friends of his wife. The subtle artifices of these +lying creatures rarely fail of their effect, for they are seconded by +two enemies, who always keep close to a man--and these are vanity and +desire. + + + 4. OF THE LOVER'S ALLIES. + +The man who hastens to tell another man that he has dropped a thousand +franc bill from his pocket-book, or even that the handkerchief is +coming out of his pocket, would think it a mean thing to warn him that +some one was carrying off his wife. There is certainly something +extremely odd in this moral inconsistency, but after all it admits of +explanation. Since the law cannot exercise any interference with +matrimonial rights, the citizens have even less right to constitute +themselves a conjugal police; and when one restores a thousand franc +bill to him who has lost it, he acts under a certain kind of +obligation, founded on the principle which says, "Do unto others as ye +would they should do unto you!" + +But by what reasoning can justification be found for the help which +one celibate never asks in vain, but always receives from another +celibate in deceiving a husband, and how shall we qualify the +rendering of such help? A man who is incapable of assisting a gendarme +in discovering an assassin, has no scruple in taking a husband to a +theatre, to a concert or even to a questionable house, in order to +help a comrade, whom he would not hesitate to kill in a duel +to-morrow, in keeping an assignation, the result of which is to +introduce into a family a spurious child, and to rob two brothers of a +portion of their fortune by giving them a co-heir whom they never +perhaps would otherwise have had; or to effect the misery of three +human beings. We must confess that integrity is a very rare virtue, +and, very often, the man that thinks he has most actually has least. +Families have been divided by feuds, and brothers have been murdered, +which events would never have taken place if some friend had refused +to perform what passes to the world as a harmless trick. + +It is impossible for a man to be without some hobby or other, and all +of us are devoted either to hunting, fishing, gambling, music, money, +or good eating. Well, your ruling passion will always be an accomplice +in the snare which a lover sets for you, the invisible hand of this +passion will direct your friends, or his, whether they consent or not, +to play a part in the little drama when they want to take you away +from home, or to induce you to leave your wife to the mercy of +another. A lover will spend two whole months, if necessary, in +planning the construction of the mouse-trap. + +I have seen the most cunning men on earth thus taken in. + +There was a certain retired lawyer of Normandy. He lived in the little +town of B-----, where a regiment of the chasseurs of Cantal were +garrisoned. A fascinating officer of this regiment had fallen in love +with the wife of this pettifogger, and the regiment was leaving before +the two lovers had been able to enjoy the least privacy. It was the +fourth military man over whom the lawyer had triumphed. As he left the +dinner-table one evening, about six o'clock, the husband took a walk +on the terrace of his garden from which he could see the whole country +side. The officers arrived at this moment to take leave of him. +Suddenly the flame of a conflagration burst forth on the horizon. +"Heavens! La Daudiniere is on fire!" exclaimed the major. He was an +old simple-minded soldier, who had dined at home. Every one mounted +horse. The young wife smiled as she found herself alone, for her +lover, hidden in the coppice, had said to her, "It is a straw stack on +fire!" The flank of the husband was turned with all the more facility +in that a fine courser was provided for him by the captain, and with a +delicacy very rare in the cavalry, the lover actually sacrificed a few +moments of his happiness in order to catch up with the cavalcade, and +return in company with the husband. + +Marriage is a veritable duel, in which persistent watchfulness is +required in order to triumph over an adversary; for, if you are +unlucky enough to turn your head, the sword of the celibate will +pierce you through and through. + + + 5. OF THE MAID. + +The prettiest waiting-maid I have ever seen is that of Madame V----y, +a lady who to-day plays at Paris a brilliant part among the most +fashionable women, and passes for a wife who keeps on excellent terms +with her husband. Mademoiselle Celestine is a person whose points of +beauty are so numerous that, in order to describe her, it would be +necessary to translate the thirty verses which we are told form an +inscription in the seraglio of the Grand Turk and contain each of them +an excellent description of one of the thirty beauties of women. + +"You show a great deal of vanity in keeping near you such an +accomplished creature," said a lady to the mistress of the house. + +"Ah! my dear, some day perhaps you will find yourself jealous of me in +possessing Celestine." + +"She must be endowed with very rare qualities, I suppose? She perhaps +dresses you well?" + +"Oh, no, very badly!" + +"She sews well?" + +"She never touches her needle." + +"She is faithful?" + +"She is one of those whose fidelity costs more than the most cunning +dishonesty." + +"You astonish me, my dear; she is then your foster-sister?" + +"Not at all; she is positively good for nothing, but she is more +useful to me than any other member of my household. If she remains +with me ten years, I have promised her twenty thousand francs. It will +be money well earned, and I shall not forget to give it!" said the +young woman, nodding her head with a meaning gesture. + +At last the questioner of Madame V----y understood. + +When a woman has no friend of her own sex intimate enough to assist +her in proving false to marital love, her maid is a last resource +which seldom fails in bringing about the desired result. + +Oh! after ten years of marriage to find under his roof, and to see all +the time, a young girl of from sixteen to eighteen, fresh, dressed +with taste, the treasures of whose beauty seem to breathe defiance, +whose frank bearing is irresistibly attractive, whose downcast eyes +seem to fear you, whose timid glance tempts you, and for whom the +conjugal bed has no secrets, for she is at once a virgin and an +experienced woman! How can a man remain cold, like St. Anthony, before +such powerful sorcery, and have the courage to remain faithful to the +good principles represented by a scornful wife, whose face is always +stern, whose manners are always snappish, and who frequently refuses +to be caressed? What husband is stoical enough to resist such fires, +such frosts? There, where you see a new harvest of pleasure, the young +innocent sees an income, and your wife her liberty. It is a little +family compact, which is signed in the interest of good will. + +In this case, your wife acts with regard to marriage as young +fashionables do with regard to their country. If they are drawn for +the army, they buy a man to carry the musket, to die in their place +and to spare them the hardships of military life. + +In compromises of this sort there is not a single woman who does not +know how to put her husband in the wrong. I have noticed that, by a +supreme stroke of diplomacy, the majority of wives do not admit their +maids into the secret of the part which they give them to play. They +trust to nature, and assume an affected superiority over the lover and +his mistress. + +These secret perfidies of women explain to a great degree the odd +features of married life which are to be observed in the world; and I +have heard women discuss, with profound sagacity, the dangers which +are inherent in this terrible method of attack, and it is necessary to +know thoroughly both the husband and the creature to whom he is to be +abandoned, in order to make successful use of her. Many a woman, in +this connection, has been the victim of her own calculations. + +Moreover, the more impetuous and passionate a husband shows himself, +the less will a woman dare to employ this expedient; but a husband +caught in this snare will never have anything to say to his stern +better-half, when the maid, giving evidence of the fault she has +committed, is sent into the country with an infant and a dowry. + + + 6. OF THE DOCTOR. + +The doctor is one of the most potent auxiliaries of an honest woman, +when she wishes to acquire a friendly divorce from her husband. The +services that the doctor renders, most of the time without knowing it, +to a woman, are of such importance that there does not exist a single +house in France where the doctor is chosen by any one but the wife. + +All doctors know what great influence women have on their reputation; +thus we meet with few doctors who do not study to please the ladies. +When a man of talent has become celebrated it is true that he does not +lend himself to the crafty conspiracies which women hatch; but without +knowing it he becomes involved in them. + +I suppose that a husband taught by the adventures of his own youth +makes up his mind to pick out a doctor for his wife, from the first +days of his marriage. So long as his feminine adversary fails to +conceive the assistance that she may derive from this ally, she will +submit in silence; but later on, if all her allurements fail to win +over the man chosen by her husband, she will take a more favorable +opportunity to give her husband her confidence, in the following +remarkable manner. + +"I don't like the way in which the doctor feels my pulse!" + +And of course the doctor is dropped. + +Thus it happens that either a woman chooses her doctor, wins over the +man who has been imposed upon her, or procures his dismissal. But this +contest is very rare; the majority of young men who marry are +acquainted with none but beardless doctors whom they have no anxiety +to procure for their wives, and almost always the Esculapius of the +household is chosen by the feminine power. Thus it happens that some +fine morning the doctor, when he leaves the chamber of madame, who has +been in bed for a fortnight, is induced by her to say to you: + +"I do not say that the condition of madame presents any serious +symptoms; but this constant drowsiness, this general listlessness, and +her natural tendency to a spinal affection demand great care. Her +lymph is inspissated. She wants a change of air. She ought to be sent +either to the waters of Bareges or to the waters of Plombieres." + +"All right, doctor." + +You allow your wife to go to Plombieres; but she goes there because +Captain Charles is quartered in the Vosges. She returns in capital +health and the waters of Plombieres have done wonders for her. She has +written to you every day, she has lavished upon you from a distance +every possible caress. The danger of a spinal affection has utterly +disappeared. + +There is extant a little pamphlet, whose publication was prompted +doubtless by hate. It was published in Holland, and it contains some +very curious details of the manner in which Madame de Maintenon +entered into an understanding with Fagon, for the purposes of +controlling Louis XIV. Well, some morning your doctor will threaten +you, as Fagon threatened his master, with a fit of apoplexy, if you do +not diet yourself. This witty work of satire, doubtless the production +of some courtier, entitled "Madame de Saint Tron," has been +interpreted by the modern author who has become proverbial as "the +young doctor." But his delightful sketch is very much superior to the +work whose title I cite for the benefit of the book-lovers, and we +have great pleasure in acknowledging that the work of our clever +contemporary has prevented us, out of regard for the glory of the +seventeenth century, from publishing the fragment of the old pamphlet. + +Very frequently a doctor becomes duped by the judicious manoeuvres of +a young and delicate wife, and comes to you with the announcement: + +"Sir, I would not wish to alarm madame with regard to her condition; +but I will advise you, if you value her health, to keep her in perfect +tranquillity. The irritation at this moment seems to threaten the +chest, and we must gain control of it; there is need of rest for her, +perfect rest; the least agitation might change the seat of the malady. +At this crisis, the prospect of bearing a child would be fatal to +her." + +"But, doctor--" + +"Ah, yes! I know that!" + +He laughs and leaves the house. + +Like the rod of Moses, the doctor's mandate makes and unmakes +generations. The doctor will restore you to your marriage bed with the +same arguments that he used in debarring you. He treats your wife for +complaints which she has not, in order to cure her of those which she +has, and all the while you have no idea of it; for the scientific +jargon of doctors can only be compared to the layers in which they +envelop their pills. + +An honest woman in her chamber with the doctor is like a minister sure +of a majority; she has it in her power to make a horse, or a carriage, +according to her good pleasure and her taste; she will send you away +or receive you, as she likes. Sometimes she will pretend to be ill in +order to have a chamber separate from yours; sometimes she will +surround herself with all the paraphernalia of an invalid; she will +have an old woman for a nurse, regiments of vials and of bottles, and, +environed by these ramparts, will defy you by her invalid airs. She +will talk to you in such a depressing way of the electuaries and of +the soothing draughts which she has taken, of the agues which she has +had, of her plasters and cataplasms, that she will fill you with +disgust at these sickly details, if all the time these sham sufferings +are not intended to serve as engines by means of which, eventually, a +successful attack may be made on that singular abstraction known as +_your honor_. + +In this way your wife will be able to fortify herself at every point +of contact which you possess with the world, with society and with +life. Thus everything will take arms against you, and you will be +alone among all these enemies. But suppose that it is your +unprecedented privilege to possess a wife who is without religious +connections, without parents or intimate friends; that you have +penetration enough to see through all the tricks by which your wife's +lover tries to entrap you; that you still have sufficient love for +your fair enemy to resist all the Martons of the earth; that, in fact, +you have for your doctor a man who is so celebrated that he has no +time to listen to the maunderings of your wife; or that if your +Esculapius is madame's vassal, you demand a consultation, and an +incorruptible doctor intervenes every time the favorite doctor +prescribes a remedy that disquiets you; even in that case, your +prospects will scarcely be more brilliant. In fact, even if you do not +succumb to this invasion of allies, you must not forget that, so far, +your adversary has not, so to speak, struck the decisive blow. If you +hold out still longer, your wife, having flung round you thread upon +thread, as a spider spins his web, an invisible net, will resort to +the arms which nature has given her, which civilization has perfected, +and which will be treated of in the next Meditation. + + + + MEDITATION XXVI. + + OF DIFFERENT WEAPONS. + +A weapon is anything which is used for the purpose of wounding. From +this point of view, some sentiments prove to be the most cruel weapons +which man can employ against his fellow man. The genius of Schiller, +lucid as it was comprehensive, seems to have revealed all the +phenomena which certain ideas bring to light in the human organization +by their keen and penetrating action. A man may be put to death by a +thought. Such is the moral of those heartrending scenes, when in _The +Brigands_ the poet shows a young man, with the aid of certain ideas, +making such powerful assaults on the heart of an old man, that he ends +by causing the latter's death. The time is not far distant when +science will be able to observe the complicated mechanism of our +thoughts and to apprehend the transmission of our feelings. Some +developer of the occult sciences will prove that our intellectual +organization constitutes nothing more than a kind of interior man, who +projects himself with less violence than the exterior man, and that +the struggle which may take place between two such powers as these, +although invisible to our feeble eyes, is not a less mortal struggle +than that in which our external man compels us to engage. + +But these considerations belong to a different department of study +from that in which we are now engaged; these subjects we intend to +deal with in a future publication; some of our friends are already +acquainted with one of the most important,--that, namely, entitled +"THE PATHOLOGY OF SOCIAL LIFE, _or Meditations mathematical, physical, +chemical and transcendental on the manifestations of thought, taken +under all the forms which are produced by the state of society, +whether by living, marriage, conduct, veterinary medicine, or by +speech and action, etc._," in which all these great questions are +fully discussed. The aim of this brief metaphysical observation is +only to remind you that the higher classes of society reason too well +to admit of their being attacked by any other than intellectual arms. + +Although it is true that tender and delicate souls are found enveloped +in a body of metallic hardness, at the same time there are souls of +bronze enveloped in bodies so supple and capricious that their grace +attracts the friendship of others, and their beauty calls for a +caress. But if you flatter the exterior man with your hand, the _Homo +duplex_, the interior man, to use an expression of Buffon, immediately +rouses himself and rends you with his keen points of contact. + +This description of a special class of human creatures, which we hope +you will not run up against during your earthly journey, presents a +picture of what your wife may be to you. Every one of the sentiments +which nature has endowed your heart with, in their gentlest form, will +become a dagger in the hand of your wife. You will be stabbed every +moment, and you will necessarily succumb; for your love will flow like +blood from every wound. + +This is the last struggle, but for her it also means victory. + +In order to carry out the distinction which we think we have +established among three sorts of feminine temperament, we will divide +this Meditation into three parts, under the following titles: + + + 1. OF HEADACHES. + 2. OF NERVOUS AFFECTATIONS. + 3. OF MODESTY, IN ITS CONNECTION WITH MARRIAGE. + + + 1. OF HEADACHES. + +Women are constantly the dupes or the victims of excessive +sensibility; but we have already demonstrated that with the greater +number of them this delicacy of soul must needs, almost without their +knowing it, receive many rude blows, from the very fact of their +marriage. (See Meditations entitled _The Predestined_ and _Of the +Honeymoon_.) Most of the means of defence instinctively employed by +husbands are nothing but traps set for the liveliness of feminine +affections. + +Now the moment comes when the wife, during the Civil War, traces by a +single act of thought the history of her moral life, and is irritated +on perceiving the prodigious way in which you have taken advantage of +her sensibility. It is very rarely that women, moved either by an +innate feeling for revenge, which they themselves can never explain, +or by their instinct of domination, fail to discover that this quality +in their natural machinery, when brought into play against the man, is +inferior to no other instrument for obtaining ascendancy over him. + +With admirable cleverness, they proceed to find out what chords in the +hearts of their husbands are most easily touched; and when once they +discover this secret, they eagerly proceed to put it into practice; +then, like a child with a mechanical toy, whose spring excites their +curiosity, they go on employing it, carelessly calling into play the +movements of the instrument, and satisfied simply with their success +in doing so. If they kill you, they will mourn over you with the best +grace in the world, as the most virtuous, the most excellent, the most +sensible of men. + +In this way your wife will first arm herself with that generous +sentiment which leads us to respect those who are in pain. The man +most disposed to quarrel with a woman full of life and health becomes +helpless before a woman who is weak and feeble. If your wife has not +attained the end of her secret designs, by means of those various +methods already described, she will quickly seize this all-powerful +weapon. In virtue of this new strategic method, you will see the young +girl, so strong in life and beauty, whom you had wedded in her flower, +metamorphosing herself into a pale and sickly woman. + +Now headache is an affection which affords infinite resources to a +woman. This malady, which is the easiest of all to feign, for it is +destitute of any apparent symptom, merely obliges her to say: "I have +a headache." A woman trifles with you and there is no one in the world +who can contradict her skull, whose impenetrable bones defy touch or +ocular test. Moreover, headache is, in our opinion, the queen of +maladies, the pleasantest and the most terrible weapon employed by +wives against their husbands. There are some coarse and violent men +who have been taught the tricks of women by their mistresses, in the +happy hours of their celibacy, and so flatter themselves that they are +never to be caught by this vulgar trap. But all their efforts, all +their arguments end by being vanquished before the magic of these +words: "I have a headache." If a husband complains, or ventures on a +reproach, if he tries to resist the power of this _Il buondo cani_ of +marriage, he is lost. + +Imagine a young woman, voluptuously lying on a divan, her head softly +supported by a cushion, one hand hanging down; on a small table close +at hand is her glass of lime-water. Now place by her side a burly +husband. He has made five or six turns round the room; but each time +he has turned on his heels to begin his walk all over again, the +little invalid has made a slight movement of her eyebrows in a vain +attempt to remind him that the slightest noise fatigues her. At last +he musters all his courage and utters a protest against her pretended +malady, in the bold phrase: + +"And have you really a headache?" + +At these words the young woman slightly raises her languid head, lifts +an arm, which feebly falls back again upon her divan, raises her eyes +to the ceiling, raises all that she has power to raise; then darting +at you a leaden glance, she says in a voice of remarkable feebleness: + +"Oh! What can be the matter with me? I suffer the agonies of death! +And this is all the comfort you give me! Ah! you men, it is plainly +seen that nature has not given you the task of bringing children into +the world. What egoists and tyrants you are! You take us in all the +beauty of our youth, fresh, rosy, with tapering waist, and then all is +well! When your pleasures have ruined the blooming gifts which we +received from nature, you never forgive us for having forfeited them +to you! That was all understood. You will allow us to have neither the +virtues nor the sufferings of our condition. You must needs have +children, and we pass many nights in taking care of them. But +child-bearing has ruined our health, and left behind the germs of +serious maladies.--Oh, what pain I suffer! There are few women who are +not subject to headaches; but your wife must be an exception. You even +laugh at our sufferings; that is generosity!--please don't walk about +--I should not have expected this of you!--Stop the clock; the click +of the pendulum rings in my head. Thanks! Oh, what an unfortunate +creature I am! Have you a scent-bottle with you? Yes, oh! for pity's +sake, allow me to suffer in peace, and go away; for this scent splits +my head!" + +What can you say in reply? Do you not hear within you a voice which +cries, "And what if she is actually suffering?" Moreover, almost all +husbands evacuate the field of battle very quietly, while their wives +watch them from the corner of their eyes, marching off on tip-toe and +closing the door quietly on the chamber henceforth to be considered +sacred by them. + +Such is the headache, true or false, which is patronized at your home. +Then the headache begins to play a regular role in the bosom of your +family. It is a theme on which a woman can play many admirable +variations. She sets it forth in every key. With the aid of the +headache alone a wife can make a husband desperate. A headache seizes +madame when she chooses, where she chooses, and as much as she +chooses. There are headaches of five days, of ten minutes, periodic or +intermittent headaches. + +You sometimes find your wife in bed, in pain, helpless, and the blinds +of her room are closed. The headache has imposed silence on every one, +from the regions of the porter's lodge, where he is cutting wood, even +to the garret of your groom, from which he is throwing down innocent +bundles of straw. Believing in this headache, you leave the house, but +on your return you find that madame has decamped! Soon madame returns, +fresh and ruddy: + +"The doctor came," she says, "and advised me to take exercise, and I +find myself much better!" + +Another day you wish to enter madame's room. + +"Oh, sir," says the maid, showing the most profound astonishment, +"madame has her usual headache, and I have never seen her in such +pain! The doctor has been sent for." + +"You are a happy man," said Marshal Augereau to General R-----, "to +have such a pretty wife!" + +"To have!" replied the other. "If I have my wife ten days in the year, +that is about all. These confounded women have always either the +headache or some other thing!" + +The headache in France takes the place of the sandals, which, in +Spain, the Confessor leaves at the door of the chamber in which he is +with his penitent. + +If your wife, foreseeing some hostile intentions on your part, wishes +to make herself as inviolable as the charter, she immediately gets up +a little headache performance. She goes to bed in a most deliberate +fashion, she utters shrieks which rend the heart of the hearer. She +goes gracefully through a series of gesticulations so cleverly +executed that you might think her a professional contortionist. Now +what man is there so inconsiderate as to dare to speak to a suffering +woman about desires which, in him, prove the most perfect health? +Politeness alone demands of him perfect silence. A woman knows under +these circumstances that by means of this all-powerful headache, she +can at her will paste on her bed the placard which sends back home the +amateurs who have been allured by the announcement of the Comedie +Francaise, when they read the words: "Closed through the sudden +indisposition of Mademoiselle Mars." + +O headache, protectress of love, tariff of married life, buckler +against which all married desires expire! O mighty headache! Can it be +possible that lovers have never sung thy praises, personified thee, or +raised thee to the skies? O magic headache, O delusive headache, blest +be the brain that first invented thee! Shame on the doctor who shall +find out thy preventive! Yes, thou art the only ill that women bless, +doubtless through gratitude for the good things thou dispensest to +them, O deceitful headache! O magic headache! + + + 2. OF NERVOUS AFFECTATIONS. + +There is, however, a power which is superior even to that of the +headache; and we must avow to the glory of France, that this power is +one of the most recent which has been won by Parisian genius. As in +the case with all the most useful discoveries of art and science, no +one knows to whose intellect it is due. Only, it is certain that it +was towards the middle of the last century that "Vapors" made their +first appearance in France. Thus while Papin was applying the force of +vaporized water in mechanical problems, a French woman, whose name +unhappily is unknown, had the glory of endowing her sex with the +faculty of vaporizing their fluids. Very soon the prodigious influence +obtained by vapors was extended to the nerves; it was thus in passing +from fibre to fibre that the science of neurology was born. This +admirable science has since then led such men as Philips and other +clever physiologists to the discovery of the nervous fluid in its +circulation; they are now perhaps on the eve of identifying its +organs, and the secret of its origin and of its evaporation. And thus, +thanks to certain quackeries of this kind, we may be enabled some day +to penetrate the mysteries of that unknown power which we have already +called more than once in the present book, the _Will_. But do not let +us trespass on the territory of medical philosophy. Let us consider +the nerves and the vapors solely in their connection with marriage. + +Victims of Neurosis (a pathological term under which are comprised all +affections of the nervous system) suffer in two ways, as far as +married women are concerned; for our physiology has the loftiest +disdain for medical classifications. Thus we recognize only: + + + 1. CLASSIC NEUROSIS. + 2. ROMANTIC NEUROSIS. + + +The classic affection has something bellicose and excitable on it. +Those who thus suffer are as violent in their antics as pythonesses, +as frantic as _monads_, as excited as _bacchantes_; it is a revival of +antiquity, pure and simple. + +The romantic sufferers are mild and plaintive as the ballads sung amid +the mists of Scotland. They are pallid as young girls carried to their +bier by the dance or by love; they are eminently elegiac and they +breathe all the melancholy of the North. + +That woman with black hair, with piercing eye, with high color, with +dry lips and a powerful hand, will become excited and convulsive; she +represents the genius of classic neurosis; while a young blonde woman, +with white skin, is the genius of romantic neurosis; to one belongs +the empire gained by nerves, to the other the empire gained by vapors. + +Very frequently a husband, when he comes home, finds his wife in +tears. + +"What is the matter, my darling?" + +"It is nothing." + +"But you are in tears!" + +"I weep without knowing why. I am quite sad! I saw faces in the +clouds, and those faces never appear to me except on the eve of some +disaster--I think I must be going to die." + +Then she talks to you in a low voice of her dead father, of her dead +uncle, of her dead grandfather, of her dead cousin. She invokes all +these mournful shades, she feels as if she had all their sicknesses, +she is attacked with all the pains they felt, she feels her heart +palpitate with excessive violence, she feels her spleen swelling. You +say to yourself, with a self-satisfied air: + +"I know exactly what this is all about!" + +And then you try to soothe her; but you find her a woman who yawns +like an open box, who complains of her chest, who begins to weep anew, +who implores you to leave her to her melancholy and her mournful +memories. She talks to you about her last wishes, follows her own +funeral, is buried, plants over her tomb the green canopy of a weeping +willow, and at the very time when you would like to raise a joyful +epithalamium, you find an epitaph to greet you all in black. Your wish +to console her melts away in the cloud of Ixion. + +There are women of undoubted fidelity who in this way extort from +their feeling husbands cashmere shawls, diamonds, the payment of their +debts, or the rent of a box at the theatre; but almost always vapors +are employed as decisive weapons in Civil War. + +On the plea of her spinal affection or of her weak chest, a woman +takes pains to seek out some distraction or other; you see her +dressing herself in soft fabrics like an invalid with all the symptoms +of spleen; she never goes out because an intimate friend, her mother +or her sister, has tried to tear her away from that divan which +monopolizes her and on which she spends her life in improvising +elegies. Madame is going to spend a fortnight in the country because +the doctor orders it. In short, she goes where she likes and does what +she likes. Is it possible that there can be a husband so brutal as to +oppose such desires, by hindering a wife from going to seek a cure for +her cruel sufferings? For it has been established after many long +discussions that in the nerves originate the most fearful torture. + +But it is especially in bed that vapors play their part. There when a +woman has not a headache she has her vapors; and when she has neither +vapors nor headache, she is under the protection of the girdle of +Venus, which, as you know, is a myth. + +Among the women who fight with you the battle of vapors, are some more +blonde, more delicate, more full of feeling than others, and who +possess the gift of tears. How admirably do they know how to weep! +They weep when they like, as they like and as much as they like. They +organize a system of offensive warfare which consists of manifesting +sublime resignation, and they gain victories which are all the more +brilliant, inasmuch as they remain all the time in excellent health. + +Does a husband, irritated beyond all measure, at last express his +wishes to them? They regard him with an air of submission, bow their +heads and keep silence. This pantomime almost always puts a husband to +rout. In conjugal struggles of this kind, a man prefers a woman should +speak and defend herself, for then he may show elation or annoyance; +but as for these women, not a word. Their silence distresses you and +you experience a sort of remorse, like the murderer who, when he finds +his victim offers no resistance, trembles with redoubled fear. He +would prefer to slay him in self-defence. You return to the subject. +As you draw near, your wife wipes away her tears and hides her +handkerchief, so as to let you see that she has been weeping. You are +melted, you implore your little Caroline to speak, your sensibility +has been touched and you forget everything; then she sobs while she +speaks, and speaks while she sobs. This is a sort of machine +eloquence; she deafens you with her tears, with her words which come +jerked out in confusion; it is the clapper and torrent of a mill. + +French women and especially Parisians possess in a marvelous degree +the secret by which such scenes are enacted, and to these scenes their +voices, their sex, their toilet, their manner give a wonderful charm. +How often do the tears upon the cheeks of these adorable actresses +give way to a piquant smile, when they see their husbands hasten to +break the silk lace, the weak fastening of their corsets, or to +restore the comb which holds together the tresses of their hair and +the bunch of golden ringlets always on the point of falling down? + +But how all these tricks of modernity pale before the genius of +antiquity, before nervous attacks which are violent, before the +Pyrrhic dance of married life! Oh! how many hopes for a lover are +there in the vivacity of those convulsive movements, in the fire of +those glances, in the strength of those limbs, beautiful even in +contortion! It is then that a woman is carried away like an impetuous +wind, darts forth like the flames of a conflagration, exhibits a +movement like a billow which glides over the white pebbles. She is +overcome with excess of love, she sees the future, she is the seer who +prophesies, but above all, she sees the present moment and tramples on +her husband, and impresses him with a sort of terror. + +The sight of his wife flinging off vigorous men as if they were so +many feathers, is often enough to deter a man from ever striving to +wrong her. He will be like the child who, having pulled the trigger of +some terrific engine, has ever afterwards an incredible respect for +the smallest spring. I have known a man, gentle and amiable in his +ways, whose eyes were fixed upon those of his wife, exactly as if he +had been put into a lion's cage, and some one had said to him that he +must not irritate the beast, if he would escape with his life. + +Nervous attacks of this kind are very fatiguing and become every day +more rare. Romanticism, however, has maintained its ground. + +Sometimes, we meet with phlegmatic husbands, those men whose love is +long enduring, because they store up their emotions, whose genius gets +the upper hand of these headaches and nervous attacks; but these +sublime creatures are rare. Faithful disciples of the blessed St. +Thomas, who wished to put his finger into the wound, they are endowed +with an incredulity worthy of an atheist. Imperturbable in the midst +of all these fraudulent headaches and all these traps set by neurosis, +they concentrate their attention on the comedy which is being played +before them, they examine the actress, they search for one of the +springs that sets her going; and when they have discovered the +mechanism of this display, they arm themselves by giving a slight +impulse to the puppet-valve, and thus easily assure themselves either +of the reality of the disease or the artifices of these conjugal +mummeries. + +But if by study which is almost superhuman in its intensity a husband +escapes all the artifices which lawless and untamable love suggests to +women, he will beyond doubt be overcome by the employment of a +terrible weapon, the last which a woman would resort to, for she never +destroys with her own hands her empire over her husband without some +sort of repugnance. But this is a poisoned weapon as powerful as the +fatal knife of the executioner. This reflection brings us to the last +paragraph of the present Meditation. + + + 3. OF MODESTY, IN ITS CONNECTION WITH MARRIAGE. + +Before taking up the subject of modesty, it may perhaps be necessary +to inquire whether there is such a thing. Is it anything in a woman +but well understood coquetry? Is it anything but a sentiment that +claims the right, on a woman's part, to dispose of her own body as she +chooses, as one may well believe, when we consider that half the women +in the world go almost naked? Is it anything but a social chimera, as +Diderot supposed, reminding us that this sentiment always gives way +before sickness and before misery? + +Justice may be done to all these questions. + +An ingenious author has recently put forth the view that men are much +more modest than women. He supports this contention by a great mass of +surgical experiences; but, in order that his conclusions merit our +attention, it would be necessary that for a certain time men were +subjected to treatment by women surgeons. + +The opinion of Diderot is of still less weight. + +To deny the existence of modesty, because it disappears during those +crises in which almost all human sentiments are annihilated, is as +unreasonable as to deny that life exists because death sooner or later +comes. + +Let us grant, then, that one sex has as much modesty as the other, and +let us inquire in what modesty consists. + +Rousseau makes modesty the outcome of all those coquetries which +females display before males. This opinion appears to us equally +mistaken. + +The writers of the eighteenth century have doubtless rendered immense +services to society; but their philosophy, based as it is upon +sensualism, has never penetrated any deeper than the human epidermis. +They have only considered the exterior universe; and so they have +retarded, for some time, the moral development of man and the progress +of science which will always draw its first principles from the +Gospel, principles hereafter to be best understood by the fervent +disciples of the Son of Man. + +The study of thought's mysteries, the discovery of those organs which +belong to the human soul, the geometry of its forces, the phenomena of +its active power, the appreciation of the faculty by which we seem to +have an independent power of bodily movement, so as to transport +ourselves whither we will and to see without the aid of bodily organs, +--in a word the laws of thought's dynamic and those of its physical +influence,--these things will fall to the lot of the next century, as +their portion in the treasury of human sciences. And perhaps we, of +the present time, are merely occupied in quarrying the enormous blocks +which later on some mighty genius will employ in the building of a +glorious edifice. + +Thus the error of Rousseau is simply the error of his age. He explains +modesty by the relations of different human beings to each other +instead of explaining it by the moral relations of each one with +himself. Modesty is no more susceptible of analysis than conscience; +and this perhaps is another way of saying that modesty is the +conscience of the body; for while conscience directs our sentiments +and the least movement of our thoughts towards the good, modesty +presides over external movements. The actions which clash with our +interests and thus disobey the laws of conscience wound us more than +any other; and if they are repeated call forth our hatred. It is the +same with acts which violate modesty in their relations to love, which +is nothing but the expression of our whole sensibility. If extreme +modesty is one of the conditions on which the reality of marriage is +based, as we have tried to prove [See _Conjugal Catechism, Meditation +IV._], it is evident that immodesty will destroy it. But this +position, which would require long deductions for the acceptance of +the physiologist, women generally apply, as it were, mechanically; for +society, which exaggerates everything for the benefit of the exterior +man, develops this sentiment of women from childhood, and around it +are grouped almost every other sentiment. Moreover, the moment that +this boundless veil, which takes away the natural brutality from the +least gesture, is dragged down, woman disappears. Heart, mind, love, +grace, all are in ruins. In a situation where the virginal innocence +of a daughter of Tahiti is most brilliant, the European becomes +detestable. In this lies the last weapon which a wife seizes, in order +to escape from the sentiment which her husband still fosters towards +her. She is powerful because she had made herself loathsome; and this +woman, who would count it as the greatest misfortune that her lover +should be permitted to see the slightest mystery of her toilette, +is delighted to exhibit herself to her husband in the most +disadvantageous situation that can possibly be imagined. + +It is by means of this rigorous system that she will try to banish you +from the conjugal bed. Mrs. Shandy may be taken to mean us harm in +bidding the father of Tristram wind up the clock; so long as your wife +is not blamed for the pleasure she takes in interrupting you by the +most imperative questions. Where there formerly was movement and life +is now lethargy and death. An act of love becomes a transaction long +discussed and almost, as it were, settled by notarial seal. But we +have in another place shown that we never refuse to seize upon the +comic element in a matrimonial crisis, although here we may be +permitted to disdain the diversion which the muse of Verville and of +Marshall have found in the treachery of feminine manoeuvres, the +insulting audacity of their talk, amid the cold-blooded cynicism which +they exhibit in certain situations. It is too sad to laugh at, and too +funny to mourn over. When a woman resorts to such extreme measures, +worlds at once separate her from her husband. Nevertheless, there are +some women to whom Heaven has given the gift of being charming under +all circumstances, who know how to put a certain witty and comic grace +into these performances, and who have such smooth tongues, to use the +expression of Sully, that they obtain forgiveness for their caprices +and their mockeries, and never estrange the hearts of their husbands. + +What soul is so robust, what man so violently in love as to persist in +his passion, after ten years of marriage, in presence of a wife who +loves him no longer, who gives him proofs of this every moment, who +repulses him, who deliberately shows herself bitter, caustic, sickly +and capricious, and who will abjure her vows of elegance and +cleanliness, rather than not see her husband turn away from her; in +presence of a wife who will stake the success of her schemes upon the +horror caused by her indecency? + +All this, my dear sir, is so much more horrible because-- + + + XCII. + LOVERS IGNORE MODESTY. + + +We have now arrived at the last infernal circle in the Divine Comedy +of Marriage. We are at the very bottom of Hell. There is something +inexpressibly terrible in the situation of a married woman at the +moment when unlawful love turns her away from her duties as mother and +wife. As Diderot has very well put it, "infidelity in a woman is like +unbelief in a priest, the last extreme of human failure; for her it is +the greatest of social crimes, since it implies in her every other +crime besides, and indeed either a wife profanes her lawless love by +continuing to belong to her husband, or she breaks all the ties which +attach her to her family, by giving herself over altogether to her +lover. She ought to choose between the two courses, for her sole +possible excuse lies in the intensity of her love." + +She lives then between the claims of two obligations. It is a dilemma; +she will work either the unhappiness of her lover, if he is sincere in +his passion, or that of her husband, if she is still beloved by him. + +It is to this frightful dilemma of feminine life that all the strange +inconsistencies of women's conduct is to be attributed. In this lies +the origin of all their lies, all their perfidies; here is the secret +of all their mysteries. It is something to make one shudder. Moreover, +even as simply based upon cold-blooded calculations, the conduct of a +woman who accepts the unhappiness which attends virtue and scorns the +bliss which is bought by crime, is a hundred times more reasonable. +Nevertheless, almost all women will risk suffering in the future and +ages of anguish for the ecstasy of one half hour. If the human feeling +of self-preservation, if the fear of death does not check them, how +fruitless must be the laws which send them for two years to the +Madelonnettes? O sublime infamy! And when one comes to think that he +for whom these sacrifices are to be made is one of our brethren, a +gentleman to whom we would not trust our fortune, if we had one, a man +who buttons his coat just as all of us do, it is enough to make one +burst into a roar of laughter so loud, that starting from the +Luxembourg it would pass over the whole of Paris and startle an ass +browsing in the pasture at Montmartre. + +It will perhaps appear extraordinary that in speaking of marriage we +have touched upon so many subjects; but marriage is not only the whole +of human life, it is the whole of two human lives. Now just as the +addition of a figure to the drawing of a lottery multiplies the +chances a hundredfold, so one single life united to another life +multiplies by a startling progression the risks of human life, which +are in any case so manifold. + + + + MEDITATION XXVII. + + OF THE LAST SYMPTOMS. + +The author of this book has met in the world so many people possessed +by a fanatic passion for a knowledge of the mean time, for watches +with a second hand, and for exactness in the details of their +existence, that he has considered this Meditation too necessary for +the tranquillity of a great number of husbands, to be omitted. It +would have been cruel to leave men, who are possessed with the passion +for learning the hour of the day, without a compass whereby to +estimate the last variations in the matrimonial zodiac, and to +calculate the precise moment when the sign of the Minotaur appears on +the horizon. The knowledge of conjugal time would require a whole book +for its exposition, so fine and delicate are the observations required +by the task. The master admits that his extreme youth has not +permitted him as yet to note and verify more than a few symptoms; but +he feels a just pride, on his arrival at the end of his difficult +enterprise, from the consciousness that he is leaving to his +successors a new field of research; and that in a matter apparently so +trite, not only was there much to be said, but also very many points +are found remaining which may yet be brought into the clear light of +observation. He therefore presents here without order or connection +the rough outlines which he has so far been able to execute, in the +hope that later he may have leisure to co-ordinate them and to arrange +them in a complete system. If he has been so far kept back in the +accomplishment of a task of supreme national importance, he believes, +he may say, without incurring the charge of vanity, that he has here +indicated the natural division of those symptoms. They are necessarily +of two kinds: the unicorns and the bicorns. The unicorn Minotaur is +the least mischievous. The two culprits confine themselves to a +platonic love, in which their passion, at least, leaves no visible +traces among posterity; while the bicorn Minotaur is unhappiness with +all its fruits. + +We have marked with an asterisk the symptoms which seem to concern the +latter kind. + + + MINOTAURIC OBSERVATIONS. + + + I. + +*When, after remaining a long time aloof from her husband, a woman +makes overtures of a very marked character in order to attract his +love, she acts in accordance with the axiom of maritime law, which +says: _The flag protects the cargo_. + + + II. + +A woman is at a ball, one of her friends comes up to her and says: + +"Your husband has much wit." + +"You find it so?" + + + III. + +Your wife discovers that it is time to send your boy to a boarding +school, with whom, a little time ago, she was never going to part. + + + IV. + +*In Lord Abergavenny's suit for divorce, the _valet de chambre_ +deposed that "the countess had such a detestation of all that belonged +to my lord that he had very often seen her burning the scraps of paper +which he had touched in her room." + + + V. + +If an indolent woman becomes energetic, if a woman who formerly hated +study learns a foreign language; in short, every appearance of a +complete change in character is a decisive symptom. + + + VI. + +The woman who is happy in her affections does not go much into the +world. + + + VII. + +The woman who has a lover becomes very indulgent in judging others. + + + VIII. + +*A husband gives to his wife a hundred crowns a month for dress; and, +taking everything into account, she spends at least five hundred +francs without being a sou in debt; the husband is robbed every night +with a high hand by escalade, but without burglarious breaking in. + + + IX. + +*A married couple slept in the same bed; madame was always sick. Now +they sleep apart, she has no more headache, and her health becomes +more brilliant than ever; an alarming symptom! + + + X. + +A woman who was a sloven suddenly develops extreme nicety in her +attire. There is a Minotaur at hand! + + + XI. + +"Ah! my dear, I know no greater torment than not to be understood." + +"Yes, my dear, but when one is--" + +"Oh, that scarcely ever happens." + +"I agree with you that it very seldom does. Ah! it is great happiness, +but there are not two people in the world who are able to understand +you." + + + XII. + +*The day when a wife behaves nicely to her husband--all is over. + + + XIII. + +I asked her: "Where have you been, Jeanne?" + +"I have been to your friend's to get your plate that you left there." + +"Ah, indeed! everything is still mine," I said. The following year I +repeated the question under similar circumstances. + +"I have been to bring back our plate." + +"Well, well, part of the things are still mine," I said. But after +that, when I questioned her, she spoke very differently. + +"You wish to know everything, like great people, and you have only +three shirts. I went to get my plate from my friend's house, where I +had stopped." + +"I see," I said, "nothing is left me." + + + XIV. + +Do not trust a woman who talks of her virtue. + + + XV. + +Some one said to the Duchess of Chaulnes, whose life was despaired of: + +"The Duke of Chaulnes would like to see you once more." + +"Is he there?" + +"Yes." + +"Let him wait; he shall come in with the sacraments." This minotauric +anecdote has been published by Chamfort, but we quote it here as +typical. + + + XVI. + +*Some women try to persuade their husbands that they have duties to +perform towards certain persons. + +"I am sure that you ought to pay a visit to such and such a man. . . . +We cannot avoid asking such and such a man to dinner." + + + XVII. + +"Come, my son, hold yourself straight: try to acquire good manners! +Watch such and such a man! See how he walks! Notice the way in which +he dresses." + + + XVIII. + +When a woman utters the name of a man but twice a day, there is +perhaps some uncertainty about her feelings toward him--but if thrice? +--Oh! oh! + + + XIX. + +When a woman goes home with a man who is neither a lawyer nor a +minister, to the door of his apartment, she is very imprudent. + + + XX. + +It is a terrible day when a husband fails to explain to himself the +motive of some action of his wife. + + + XXI. + +*The woman who allows herself to be found out deserves her fate. + + + +What should be the conduct of a husband, when he recognizes a last +symptom which leaves no doubt as to the infidelity of his wife? There +are only two courses open; that of resignation or that of vengeance; +there is no third course. If vengeance is decided upon, it should be +complete. + +The husband who does not separate himself forever from his wife is a +veritable simpleton. If a wife and husband think themselves fit for +that union of friendship which exists between men, it is odious in the +husband to make his wife feel his superiority over her. + +Here are some anecdotes, most of them as yet unpublished, which +indicate pretty plainly, in my opinion, the different shades of +conduct to be observed by a husband in like case. + +M. de Roquemont slept once a month in the chamber of his wife, and he +used to say, as he went away: + +"I wash my hands of anything that may happen." + +There is something disgusting in that remark, and perhaps something +profound in its suggestion of conjugal policy. + +A diplomat, when he saw his wife's lover enter, left his study and, +going to his wife's chamber, said to the two: + +"I hope you will at least refrain from fighting." + +This was good humor. + +M. de Boufflers was asked what he would do if on returning after a +long absence he found his wife with child? + +"I would order my night dress and slippers to be taken to her room." + +This was magnanimity. + +"Madame, if this man ill treats you when you are alone, it is your own +fault; but I will not permit him to behave ill towards you in my +presence, for this is to fail in politeness in me." + +This was nobility. + +The sublime is reached in this connection when the square cap of the +judge is placed by the magistrate at the foot of the bed wherein the +two culprits are asleep. + +There are some fine ways of taking vengeance. Mirabeau has admirably +described in one of the books he wrote to make a living the mournful +resignation of that Italian lady who was condemned by her husband to +perish with him in the Maremma. + + + LAST AXIOMS. + + + XCIII. +It is no act of vengeance to surprise a wife and her lover and to kill + them locked in each other's arms; it is a great favor to them both. + + + XCIV. + A husband will be best avenged by his wife's lover. + + + + MEDITATION XXVIII. + + OF COMPENSATIONS. + +The marital catastrophe which a certain number of husbands cannot +avoid, almost always forms the closing scene of the drama. At that +point all around you is tranquil. Your resignation, if you are +resigned, has the power of awakening keen remorse in the soul of your +wife and of her lover; for their happiness teaches them the depth of +the wound they have inflicted upon you. You are, you may be sure, a +third element in all their pleasures. The principle of kindliness and +goodness which lies at the foundation of the human soul, is not so +easily repressed as people think; moreover the two people who are +causing you tortures are precisely those for whom you wish the most +good. + +In the conversations so sweetly familiar which link together the +pleasures of love, and form in some way to lovers the caresses of +thought, your wife often says to your rival: + +"Well, I assure you, Auguste, that in any case I should like to see my +poor husband happy; for at bottom he is good; if he were not my +husband, but were only my brother, there are so many things I would do +to please him! He loves me, and--his friendship is irksome to me." + +"Yes, he is a fine fellow!" + +Then you become an object of respect to the celibate, who would yield +to you all the indemnity possible for the wrong he has done you; but +he is repelled by the disdainful pride which gives a tone to your +whole conversation, and is stamped upon your face. + +So that actually, during the first moments of the Minotaur's arrival, +a man is like an actor who feels awkward in a theatre where he is not +accustomed to appear. It is very difficult to bear the affront with +dignity; but though generosity is rare, a model husband is sometimes +found to possess it. + +Eventually you are little by little won over by the charming way in +which your wife makes herself agreeable to you. Madame assumes a tone +of friendship which she never henceforth abandons. The pleasant +atmosphere of your home is one of the chief compensations which +renders the Minotaur less odious to a husband. But as it is natural to +man to habituate himself to the hardest conditions, in spite of the +sentiment of outraged nobility which nothing can change, you are +gradually induced by a fascination whose power is constantly around +you, to accept the little amenities of your position. + +Suppose that conjugal misfortune has fallen upon an epicure. He +naturally demands the consolations which suit his taste. His sense of +pleasure takes refuge in other gratifications, and forms other habits. +You shape your life in accordance with the enjoyment of other +sensations. + +One day, returning from your government office, after lingering for a +long time before the rich and tasteful book shop of Chevet, hovering +in suspense between the hundred francs of expense, and the joys of a +Strasbourg _pate de fois gras_, you are struck dumb on finding this +_pate_ proudly installed on the sideboard of your dining-room. Is this +the vision offered by some gastronomic mirage? In this doubting mood +you approach with firm step, for a _pate_ is a living creature, and +seem to neigh as you scent afar off the truffles whose perfumes escape +through the gilded enclosure. You stoop over it two distinct times; +all the nerve centres of your palate have a soul; you taste the +delights of a genuine feast, etc.; and during this ecstasy a feeling +of remorse seizes upon you, and you go to your wife's room. + +"Really, my dear girl, we have not means which warrant our buying +_pates_." + +"But it costs us nothing!" + +"Oh! ho!" + +"Yes, it is M. Achille's brother who sent it to him." + +You catch sight of M. Achille in a corner. The celibate greets you, he +is radiant on seeing that you have accepted the _pate_. You look at +your wife, who blushes; you stroke your beard a few times; and, as you +express no thanks, the two lovers divine your acceptance of the +compensation. + +A sudden change in the ministry takes place. A husband, who is +Councillor of State, trembles for fear of being wiped from the roll, +when the night before he had been made director-general; all the +ministers are opposed to him and he has turned Constitutionalist. +Foreseeing his disgrace he has betaken himself to Auteuil, in search +of consolation from an old friend who quotes Horace and Tibullus to +him. On returning home he sees the table laid as if to receive the +most influential men of the assembly. + +"In truth, madame," he says with acrimony as he enters his wife's +room, where she is finishing her toilette, "you seem to have lost your +habitual tact. This is a nice time to be giving dinner parties! Twenty +persons will soon learn--" + +"That you are director-general!" she cries, showing him a royal +despatch. + +He is thunderstruck. He takes the letter, he turns it now one way, now +another; he opens it. He sits down and spreads it out. + +"I well know," he says, "that justice would be rendered me under +whatever ministers I served." + +"Yes, my dear! But M. Villeplaine has answered for you with his life, +and his eminence the Cardinal de ----- of whom he is the--" + +"M. de Villeplaine?" + +This is such a munificent recompense, that the husband adds with the +smile of a director-general: + +"Why, deuce take it, my dear, this is your doing!" + +"Ah! don't thank me for it; Adolphe did it from personal attachment to +you." + +On a certain evening a poor husband was kept at home by a pouring +rain, or tired, perhaps, of going to spend his evening in play, at the +cafe, or in the world, and sick of all this he felt himself carried +away by an impulse to follow his wife to the conjugal chamber. There +he sank into an arm-chair and like any sultan awaited his coffee, as +if he would say: + +"Well, after all, she is my wife!" + +The fair siren herself prepares the favorite draught; she strains it +with special care, sweetens it, tastes it, and hands it to him; then, +with a smile, she ventures like a submissive odalisque to make a joke, +with a view to smoothing the wrinkles on the brow of her lord and +master. Up to that moment he had thought his wife stupid; but on +hearing a sally as witty as that which even you would cajole with, +madame, he raises his head in the way peculiar to dogs who are hunting +the hare. + +"Where the devil did she get that--but it's a random shot!" he says to +himself. + +From the pinnacle of his own greatness he makes a piquant repartee. +Madame retorts, the conversation becomes as lively as it is +interesting, and this husband, a very superior man, is quite +astonished to discover the wit of his wife, in other respects, an +accomplished woman; the right word occurs to her with wonderful +readiness; her tact and keenness enable her to meet an innuendo with +charming originality. She is no longer the same woman. She notices the +effect she produces upon her husband, and both to avenge herself for +his neglect and to win his admiration for the lover from whom she has +received, so to speak, the treasures of her intellect, she exerts +herself, and becomes actually dazzling. The husband, better able than +any one else to appreciate a species of compensation which may have +some influence on his future, is led to think that the passions of +women are really necessary to their mental culture. + +But how shall we treat those compensations which are most pleasing to +husbands? + +Between the moment when the last symptoms appear, and the epoch of +conjugal peace, which we will not stop to discuss, almost a dozen +years have elapsed. During this interval and before the married couple +sign the treaty which, by means of a sincere reconciliation of the +feminine subject with her lawful lord, consecrates their little +matrimonial restoration, in order to close in, as Louis XVIII said, +the gulf of revolutions, it is seldom that the honest woman has but +one lover. Anarchy has its inevitable phases. The stormy domination of +tribunes is supplanted by that of the sword and the pen, for few loves +are met with whose constancy outlives ten years. Therefore, since our +calculations prove that an honest woman has merely paid strictly her +physiological or diabolical dues by rendering but three men happy, it +is probable that she has set foot in more than one region of love. +Sometimes it may happen that in an interregnum of love too long +protracted, the wife, whether from whim, temptation or the desire of +novelty, undertakes to seduce her own husband. + +Imagine charming Mme. de T-----, the heroine of our Meditation of +_Strategy_, saying with a fascinating smile: + +"I never before found you so agreeable!" + +By flattery after flattery, she tempts, she rouses curiosity, she +soothes, she rouses in you the faintest spark of desire, she carries +you away with her, and makes you proud of yourself. Then the right of +indemnifications for her husband comes. On this occasion the wife +confounds the imagination of her husband. Like cosmopolitan travelers +she tells tales of all the countries which she had traversed. She +intersperses her conversation with words borrowed from several +languages. The passionate imagery of the Orient, the unique emphasis +of Spanish phraseology, all meet and jostle one another. She opens out +the treasures of her notebook with all the mysteries of coquetry, she +is delightful, you never saw her thus before! With that remarkable art +which women alone possess of making their own everything that has been +told them, she blends all shades and variations of character so as to +create a manner peculiarly her own. You received from the hands of +Hymen only one woman, awkward and innocent; the celibate returns you a +dozen of them. A joyful and rapturous husband sees his bed invaded by +the giddy and wanton courtesans, of whom we spoke in the Meditation on +_The First Symptoms_. These goddesses come in groups, they smile and +sport under the graceful muslin curtains of the nuptial bed. The +Phoenician girl flings to you her garlands, gently sways herself to +and fro; the Chalcidian woman overcomes you by the witchery of her +fine and snowy feet; the Unelmane comes and speaking the dialect of +fair Ionia reveals the treasures of happiness unknown before, and in +the study of which she makes you experience but a single sensation. + +Filled with regret at having disdained so many charms, and frequently +tired of finding too often as much perfidiousness in priestesses of +Venus as in honest women, the husband sometimes hurries on by his +gallantry the hour of reconciliation desired of worthy people. The +aftermath of bliss is gathered even with greater pleasure, perhaps, +than the first crop. The Minotaur took your gold, he makes restoration +in diamonds. And really now seems the time to state a fact of the +utmost importance. A man may have a wife without possessing her. Like +most husbands you had hitherto received nothing from yours, and the +powerful intervention of the celibate was needed to make your union +complete. How shall we give a name to this miracle, perhaps the only +one wrought upon a patient during his absence? Alas, my brothers, we +did not make Nature! + +But how many other compensations, not less precious, are there, by +which the noble and generous soul of the young celibate may many a +time purchase his pardon! I recollect witnessing one of the most +magnificent acts of reparation which a lover should perform toward the +husband he is minotaurizing. + +One warm evening in the summer of 1817, I saw entering one of the +rooms of Tortoni one of the two hundred young men whom we confidently +style our friends; he was in the full bloom of his modesty. A lovely +woman, dressed in perfect taste, and who had consented to enter one of +the cool parlors devoted to people of fashion, had stepped from an +elegant carriage which had stopped on the boulevard, and was +approaching on foot along the sidewalk. My young friend, the celibate, +then appeared and offered his arm to his queen, while the husband +followed holding by the hand two little boys, beautiful as cupids. The +two lovers, more nimble than the father of the family, reached in +advance of him one of the small rooms pointed out by the attendant. In +crossing the vestibule the husband knocked up against some dandy, who +claimed that he had been jostled. Then arose a quarrel, whose +seriousness was betrayed by the sharp tones of the altercation. The +moment the dandy was about to make a gesture unworthy of a +self-respecting man, the celibate intervened, seized the dandy by the +arm, caught him off his guard, overcame and threw him to the ground; it +was magnificent. He had done the very thing the aggressor was +meditating, as he exclaimed: + +"Monsieur!" + +This "Monsieur" was one of the finest things I have ever heard. It was +as if the young celibate had said: "This father of a family belongs to +me; as I have carried off his honor, it is mine to defend him. I know +my duty, I am his substitute and will fight for him." The young woman +behaved superbly! Pale, and bewildered, she took the arm of her +husband, who continued his objurgations; without a word she led him +away to the carriage, together with her children. She was one of those +women of the aristocracy, who also know how to retain their dignity +and self-control in the midst of violent emotions. + +"O Monsieur Adolphe!" cried the young lady as she saw her friend with +an air of gayety take his seat in the carriage. + +"It is nothing, madame, he is one of my friends; we have shaken +hands." + +Nevertheless, the next morning, the courageous celibate received a +sword thrust which nearly proved fatal, and confined him six months to +his bed. The attentions of the married couple were lavished upon him. +What numerous compensations do we see here! Some years afterwards, an +old uncle of the husband, whose opinions did not fit in with those of +the young friend of the house, and who nursed a grudge against him on +account of some political discussion, undertook to have him driven +from the house. The old fellow went so far as to tell his nephew to +choose between being his heir and sending away the presumptuous +celibate. It was then that the worthy stockbroker said to his uncle: + +"Ah, you must never think, uncle, that you will succeed in making me +ungrateful! But if I tell him to do so this young man will let himself +be killed for you. He has saved my credit, he would go through fire +and water for me, he has relieved me of my wife, he has brought me +clients, he has procured for me almost all the business in the Villele +loans--I owe my life to him, he is the father of my children; I can +never forget all this." + +In this case the compensations may be looked upon as complete; but +unfortunately there are compensations of all kinds. There are those +which must be considered negative, deluding, and those which are both +in one. + +I knew a husband of advanced years who was possessed by the demon of +gambling. Almost every evening his wife's lover came and played with +him. The celibate gave him a liberal share of the pleasures which come +from games of hazard, and knew how to lose to him a certain number of +francs every month; but madame used to give them to him, and the +compensation was a deluding one. + +You are a peer of France, and you have no offspring but daughters. +Your wife is brought to bed of a boy! The compensation is negative. + +The child who is to save your name from oblivion is like his mother. +The duchess persuades you that the child is yours. The negative +compensation becomes deluding. + +Here is one of the most charming compensations known. One morning the +Prince de Ligne meets his wife's lover and rushes up to him, laughing +wildly: + +"My friend," he says to him, "I cuckolded you, last night!" + +If some husbands attain to conjugal peace by quiet methods, and carry +so gracefully the imaginary ensigns of matrimonial pre-eminence, their +philosophy is doubtless based on the _comfortabilisme_ of accepting +certain compensations, a _comfortabilisme_ which indifferent men +cannot imagine. As years roll by the married couple reach the last +stage in that artificial existence to which their union has condemned +them. + + + + MEDITATION XXIX. + + OF CONJUGAL PEACE. + +My imagination has followed marriage through all the phases of its +fantastic life in so fraternal a spirit, that I seem to have grown old +with the house I made my home so early in life at the commencement of +this work. + +After experiencing in thought the ardor of man's first passion; and +outlining, in however imperfect a way, the principal incidents of +married life; after struggling against so many wives that did not +belong to me, exhausting myself in conflict with so many personages +called up from nothingness, and joining so many battles, I feel an +intellectual lassitude, which makes me see everything in life hang, as +it were, in mournful crape. I seem to have a catarrh, to look at +everything through green spectacles, I feel as if my hands trembled, +as if I must needs employ the second half of my existence and of my +book in apologizing for the follies of the first half. + +I see myself surrounded by tall children of whom I am not the father, +and seated beside a wife I never married. I think I can feel wrinkles +furrowing my brow. The fire before which I am placed crackles, as if +in derision, the room is ancient in its furniture; I shudder with +sudden fright as I lay my hand upon my heart, and ask myself: "Is +that, too, withered?" + +I am like an old attorney, unswayed by any sentiment whatever. I never +accept any statement unless it be confirmed, according to the poetic +maxim of Lord Byron, by the testimony of at least two false witnesses. +No face can delude me. I am melancholy and overcast with gloom. I know +the world and it has no more illusions for me. My closest friends have +proved traitors. My wife and myself exchange glances of profound +meaning and the slightest word either of us utters is a dagger which +pierces the heart of the other through and through. I stagnate in a +dreary calm. This then is the tranquillity of old age! The old man +possesses in himself the cemetery which shall soon possess him. He is +growing accustomed to the chill of the tomb. Man, according to +philosophers, dies in detail; at the same time he may be said even to +cheat death; for that which his withered hand has laid hold upon, can +it be called life? + +Oh, to die young and throbbing with life! 'Tis a destiny enviable +indeed! For is not this, as a delightful poet has said, "to take away +with one all one's illusions, to be buried like an Eastern king, with +all one's jewels and treasures, with all that makes the fortune of +humanity!" + +How many thank-offerings ought we to make to the kind and beneficent +spirit that breathes in all things here below! Indeed, the care which +nature takes to strip us piece by piece of our raiment, to unclothe +the soul by enfeebling gradually our hearing, sight, and sense of +touch, in making slower the circulation of our blood, and congealing +our humors so as to make us as insensible to the approach of death as +we were to the beginnings of life, this maternal care which she +lavishes on our frail tabernacle of clay, she also exhibits in regard +to the emotions of man, and to the double existence which is created +by conjugal love. She first sends us Confidence, which with extended +hand and open heart says to us: "Behold, I am thine forever!" +Lukewarmness follows, walking with languid tread, turning aside her +blonde face with a yawn, like a young widow obliged to listen to the +minister of state who is ready to sign for her a pension warrant. Then +Indifference comes; she stretches herself on the divan, taking no care +to draw down the skirts of her robe which Desire but now lifted so +chastely and so eagerly. She casts a glance upon the nuptial bed, with +modesty and without shamelessness; and, if she longs for anything, it +is for the green fruit that calls up again to life the dulled papillae +with which her blase palate is bestrewn. Finally the philosophical +Experience of Life presents herself, with careworn and disdainful +brow, pointing with her finger to the results, and not the causes of +life's incidents; to the tranquil victory, not to the tempestuous +combat. She reckons up the arrearages, with farmers, and calculates +the dowry of a child. She materializes everything. By a touch of her +wand, life becomes solid and springless; of yore, all was fluid, now +it is crystallized into rock. Delight no longer exists for our hearts, +it has received its sentence, 'twas but mere sensation, a passing +paroxysm. What the soul desires to-day is a condition of fixity; and +happiness alone is permanent, and consists in absolute tranquillity, +in the regularity with which eating and sleeping succeed each other, +and the sluggish organs perform their functions. + +"This is horrible!" I cried; "I am young and full of life! Perish all +the books in the world rather than my illusions should perish!" + +I left my laboratory and plunged into the whirl of Paris. As I saw the +fairest faces glide by before me, I felt that I was not old. The first +young woman who appeared before me, lovely in face and form and +dressed to perfection, with one glance of fire made all the sorcery +whose spells I had voluntarily submitted to vanish into thin air. +Scarcely had I walked three steps in the Tuileries gardens, the place +which I had chosen as my destination, before I saw the prototype of +the matrimonial situation which has last been described in this book. +Had I desired to characterize, to idealize, to personify marriage, as +I conceived it to be, it would have been impossible for the Creator +himself to have produced so complete a symbol of it as I then saw +before me. + +Imagine a woman of fifty, dressed in a jacket of reddish brown merino, +holding in her left hand a green cord, which was tied to the collar of +an English terrier, and with her right arm linked with that of a man +in knee-breeches and silk stockings, whose hat had its brim +whimsically turned up, while snow-white tufts of hair like pigeon +plumes rose at its sides. A slender queue, thin as a quill, tossed +about on the back of his sallow neck, which was thick, as far as it +could be seen above the turned down collar of a threadbare coat. This +couple assumed the stately tread of an ambassador; and the husband, +who was at least seventy, stopped complaisantly every time the terrier +began to gambol. I hastened to pass this living impersonation of my +Meditation, and was surprised to the last degree to recognize the +Marquis de T-----, friend of the Comte de Noce, who had owed me for a +long time the end of the interrupted story which I related in the +_Theory of the Bed_. [See Meditation XVII.] + +"I have the honor to present to you the Marquise de T-----," he said +to me. + +I made a low bow to a lady whose face was pale and wrinkled; her +forehead was surmounted by a toupee, whose flattened ringlets, ranged +around it, deceived no one, but only emphasized, instead of +concealing, the wrinkles by which it was deeply furrowed. The lady was +slightly roughed, and had the appearance of an old country actress. + +"I do not see, sir, what you can say against a marriage such as ours," +said the old man to me. + +"The laws of Rome forefend!" I cried, laughing. + +The marchioness gave me a look filled with inquietude as well as +disapprobation, which seemed to say, "Is it possible that at my age I +have become but a concubine?" + +We sat down upon a bench, in the gloomy clump of trees planted at the +corner of the high terrace which commands La Place Louis XV, on the +side of the Garde-Meuble. Autumn had already begun to strip the trees +of their foliage, and was scattering before our eyes the yellow leaves +of his garland; but the sun nevertheless filled the air with grateful +warmth. + +"Well, is your work finished?" asked the old man, in the unctuous +tones peculiar to men of the ancient aristocracy. + +And with these words he gave a sardonic smile, as if for commentary. + +"Very nearly, sir," I replied. "I have come to the philosophic +situation, which you appear to have reached, but I confess that I--" + +"You are searching for ideas?" he added--finishing for me a sentence, +which I confess I did not know how to end. + +"Well," he continued, "you may boldly assume, that on arriving at the +winter of his life, a man--a man who thinks, I mean--ends by denying +that love has any existence, in the wild form with which our illusions +invested it!" + +"What! would you deny the existence of love on the day after that of +marriage?" + +"In the first place, the day after would be the very reason; but my +marriage was a commercial speculation," replied he, stooping to speak +into my ear. "I have thereby purchased the care, the attention, the +services which I need; and I am certain to obtain all the +consideration my age demands; for I have willed all my property to my +nephew, and as my wife will be rich only during my life, you can +imagine how--" + +I turned on the old marquis a look so piercing that he wrung my hand +and said: "You seem to have a good heart, for nothing is certain in +this life--" + +"Well, you may be sure that I have arranged a pleasant surprise for +her in my will," he replied, gayly. + +"Come here, Joseph," cried the marchioness, approaching a servant who +carried an overcoat lined with silk. "The marquis is probably feeling +the cold." + +The old marquis put on his overcoat, buttoned it up, and taking my +arm, led me to the sunny side of the terrace. + +"In your work," he continued, "you have doubtless spoken of the love +of a young man. Well, if you wish to act up to the scope which you +give to your work--in the word ec--elec--" + +"Eclectic," I said, smiling, seeing he could not remember this +philosophic term. + +"I know the word well!" he replied. "If then you wish to keep your vow +of eclecticism, you should be willing to express certain virile ideas +on the subject of love which I will communicate to you, and I will not +grudge you the benefit of them, if benefit there be; I wish to +bequeath my property to you, but this will be all that you will get of +it." + +"There is no money fortune which is worth as much as a fortune of +ideas if they be valuable ideas! I shall, therefore, listen to you +with a grateful mind." + +"There is no such thing as love," pursued the old man, fixing his gaze +upon me. "It is not even a sentiment, it is an unhappy necessity, +which is midway between the needs of the body and those of the soul. +But siding for a moment with your youthful thoughts, let us try to +reason upon this social malady. I suppose that you can only conceive +of love as either a need or a sentiment." + +I made a sign of assent. + +"Considered as a need," said the old man, "love makes itself felt last +of all our needs, and is the first to cease. We are inclined to love +in our twentieth year, to speak in round numbers, and we cease to do +so at fifty. During these thirty years, how often would the need be +felt, if it were not for the provocation of city manners, and the +modern custom of living in the presence of not one woman, but of women +in general? What is our debt to the perpetuation of the race? It +probably consists in producing as many children as we have breasts--so +that if one dies the other may live. If these two children were always +faithfully produced, what would become of nations? Thirty millions of +people would constitute a population too great for France, for the +soil is not sufficient to guarantee more than ten millions against +misery and hunger. Remember that China is reduced to the expedient of +throwing its children into the water, according to the accounts of +travelers. Now this production of two children is really the whole of +marriage. The superfluous pleasures of marriage are not only +profligate, but involve an immense loss to the man, as I will now +demonstrate. Compare then with this poverty of result, and shortness +of duration, the daily and perpetual urgency of other needs of our +existence. Nature reminds us every hour of our real needs; and, on the +other hand, refuses absolutely to grant the excess which our +imagination sometimes craves in love. It is, therefore, the last of +our needs, and the only one which may be forgotten without causing any +disturbance in the economy of the body. Love is a social luxury like +lace and diamonds. But if we analyze it as a sentiment, we find two +distinct elements in it; namely, pleasure and passion. Now analyze +pleasure. Human affections rest upon two foundations, attraction and +repulsion. Attraction is a universal feeling for those things which +flatter our instinct of self-preservation; repulsion is the exercise +of the same instinct when it tells us that something is near which +threatens it with injury. Everything which profoundly moves our +organization gives us a deeper sense of our existence; such a thing is +pleasure. It is contracted of desire, of effort, and the joy of +possessing something or other. Pleasure is a unique element in life, +and our passions are nothing but modifications, more or less keen, of +pleasure; moreover, familiarity with one pleasure almost always +precludes the enjoyment of all others. Now, love is the least keen and +the least durable of our pleasures. In what would you say the pleasure +of love consists? Does it lie in the beauty of the beloved? In one +evening you may obtain for money the loveliest odalisques; but at the +end of a month you will in this way have burnt out all your sentiment +for all time. Would you love a women because she is well dressed, +elegant, rich, keeps a carriage, has commercial credit? Do not call +this love, for it is vanity, avarice, egotism. Do you love her because +she is intellectual? You are in that case merely obeying the dictates +of literary sentiment." + +"But," I said, "love only reveals its pleasures to those who mingle in +one their thoughts, their fortunes, their sentiments, their souls, +their lives--" + +"Oh dear, dear!" cried the old man, in a jeering tone. "Can you show +me five men in any nation who have sacrificed anything for a woman? I +do not say their life, for that is a slight thing,--the price of a +human life under Napoleon was never more than twenty thousand francs; +and there are in France to-day two hundred and fifty thousand brave +men who would give theirs for two inches of red ribbon; while seven +men have sacrificed for a woman ten millions on which they might have +slept in solitude for a whole night. Dubreuil and Phmeja are still +rarer than is the love of Dupris and Bolingbroke. These sentiments +proceed from an unknown cause. But you have brought me thus to +consider love as a passion. Yes, indeed, it is the last of them all +and the most contemptible. It promises everything, and fulfils +nothing. It comes, like love, as a need, the last, and dies away the +first. Ah, talk to me of revenge, hatred, avarice, of gaming, of +ambition, of fanaticism. These passions have something virile in them; +these sentiments are imperishable; they make sacrifices every day, +such as love only makes by fits and starts. But," he went on, "suppose +you abjure love. At first there will be no disquietudes, no anxieties, +no worry, none of those little vexations that waste human life. A man +lives happy and tranquil; in his social relations he becomes +infinitely more powerful and influential. This divorce from the thing +called love is the primary secret of power in all men who control +large bodies of men; but this is a mere trifle. Ah! if you knew with +what magic influence a man is endowed, what wealth of intellectual +force, what longevity in physical strength he enjoys, when detaching +himself from every species of human passion he spends all his energy +to the profit of his soul! If you could enjoy for two minutes the +riches which God dispenses to the enlightened men who consider love as +merely a passing need which it is sufficient to satisfy for six months +in their twentieth year; to the men who, scorning the luxurious and +surfeiting beefsteaks of Normandy, feed on the roots which God has +given in abundance, and take their repose on a bed of withered leaves, +like the recluses of the Thebaid!--ah! you would not keep on three +seconds the wool of fifteen merinos which covers you; you would fling +away your childish switch, and go to live in the heaven of heavens! +There you would find the love you sought in vain amid the swine of +earth; there you would hear a concert of somewhat different melody +from that of M. Rossini, voices more faultless than that of Malibran. +But I am speaking as a blind man might, and repeating hearsays. If I +had not visited Germany about the year 1791, I should know nothing of +all this. Yes!--man has a vocation for the infinite. There dwells +within him an instinct that calls him to God. God is all, gives all, +brings oblivion on all, and thought is the thread which he has given +us as a clue to communication with himself!" + +He suddenly stopped, and fixed his eyes upon the heavens. + +"The poor fellow has lost his wits!" I thought to myself. + +"Sir," I said to him, "it would be pushing my devotion to eclectic +philosophy too far to insert your ideas in my book; they would destroy +it. Everything in it is based on love, platonic and sensual. God +forbid that I should end my book by such social blasphemies! I would +rather try to return by some pantagruelian subtlety to my herd of +celibates and honest women, with many an attempt to discover some +social utility in their passions and follies. Oh! if conjugal peace +leads us to arguments so disillusionizing and so gloomy as these, I +know a great many husbands who would prefer war to peace." + +"At any rate, young man," the old marquis cried, "I shall never have +to reproach myself with refusing to give true directions to a traveler +who had lost his way." + +"Adieu, thou old carcase!" I said to myself; "adieu, thou walking +marriage! Adieu, thou stick of a burnt-out fire-work! Adieu, thou +machine! Although I have given thee from time to time some glimpses of +people dear to me, old family portraits,--back with you to the picture +dealer's shop, to Madame de T-----, and all the rest of them; take +your place round the bier with undertaker's mutes, for all I care!" + + + + MEDITATION XXX. + + CONCLUSION. + +A recluse, who was credited with the gift of second sight, having +commanded the children of Israel to follow him to a mountain top in +order to hear the revelation of certain mysteries, saw that he was +accompanied by a crowd which took up so much room on the road that, +prophet as he was, his _amour-propre_ was vastly tickled. + +But as the mountain was a considerable distance off, it happened that +at the first halt, an artisan remembered that he had to deliver a new +pair of slippers to a duke and peer, a publican fell to thinking how +he had some specie to negotiate, and off they went. + +A little further on two lovers lingered under the olive trees and +forgot the discourse of the prophet; for they thought that the +promised land was the spot where they stood, and the divine word was +heard when they talked to one another. + +The fat people, loaded with punches a la Sancho, had been wiping their +foreheads with their handkerchiefs, for the last quarter of an hour, +and began to grow thirsty, and therefore halted beside a clear spring. + +Certain retired soldiers complained of the corns which tortured them, +and spoke of Austerlitz, and of their tight boots. + +At the second halt, certain men of the world whispered together: + +"But this prophet is a fool." + +"Have you ever heard him?" + +"I? I came from sheer curiosity." + +"And I because I saw the fellow had a large following." (The last man +who spoke was a fashionable.) + +"He is a mere charlatan." + +The prophet kept marching on. But when he reached the plateau, from +which a wide horizon spread before him, he turned back, and saw no one +but a poor Israelite, to whom he might have said as the Prince de +Ligne to the wretched little bandy-legged drummer boy, whom he found +on the spot where he expected to see a whole garrison awaiting him: +"Well, my readers, it seems that you have dwindled down to one." + +Thou man of God who has followed me so far--I hope that a short +recapitulation will not terrify thee, and I have traveled on under the +impression that thou, like me, hast kept saying to thyself, "Where the +deuce are we going?" + +Well, well, this is the place and the time to ask you, respected +reader, what your opinion is with regard to the renewal of the tobacco +monopoly, and what you think of the exorbitant taxes on wines, on the +right to carry firearms, on gaming, on lotteries, on playing cards, on +brandy, on soap, cotton, silks, etc. + +"I think that since all these duties make up one-third of the public +revenues, we should be seriously embarrassed if--" + +So that, my excellent model husband, if no one got drunk, or gambled, +or smoked, or hunted, in a word if we had neither vices, passions, nor +maladies in France, the State would be within an ace of bankruptcy; +for it seems that the capital of our national income consists of +popular corruptions, as our commerce is kept alive by national luxury. +If you cared to look a little closer into the matter you would see +that all taxes are based upon some moral malady. As a matter of fact, +if we continue this philosophical scrutiny it will appear that the +gendarmes would want horses and leather breeches, if every one kept +the peace, and if there were neither foes nor idle people in the +world. Therefore impose virtue on mankind! Well, I consider that there +are more parallels than people think between my honest woman and the +budget, and I will undertake to prove this by a short essay on +statistics, if you will permit me to finish my book on the same lines +as those on which I have begun it. Will you grant that a lover must +put on more clean shirts than are worn by either a husband, or a +celibate unattached? This to me seems beyond doubt. The difference +between a husband and a lover is seen even in the appearance of their +toilette. The one is careless, he is unshaved, and the other never +appears excepting in full dress. Sterne has pleasantly remarked that +the account book of the laundress was the most authentic record he +knew, as to the life of Tristram Shandy; and that it was easy to guess +from the number of shirts he wore what passages of his book had cost +him most. Well, with regard to lovers the account book of their +laundresses is the most faithful historic record as well as the most +impartial account of their various amours. And really a prodigious +quantity of tippets, cravats, dresses, which are absolutely necessary +to coquetry, is consumed in the course of an amour. A wonderful +prestige is gained by white stockings, the lustre of a collar, or a +shirt-waist, the artistically arranged folds of a man's shirt, or the +taste of his necktie or his collar. This will explain the passages in +which I said of the honest woman [Meditation II], "She spends her life +in having her dresses starched." I have sought information on this +point from a lady in order to learn accurately at what sum was to be +estimated the tax thus imposed by love, and after fixing it at one +hundred francs per annum for a woman, I recollect what she said with +great good humor: "It depends on the character of the man, for some +are so much more particular than others." Nevertheless, after a very +profound discussion, in which I settled upon the sum for the +celibates, and she for her sex, it was agreed that, one thing with +another, since the two lovers belong to the social sphere which this +work concerns, they ought to spend between them, in the matter +referred to, one hundred and fifty francs more than in time of peace. + +By a like treaty, friendly in character and long discussed, we +arranged that there should be a collective difference of four hundred +francs between the expenditure for all parts of the dress on a war +footing, and for that on a peace footing. This provision was +considered very paltry by all the powers, masculine or feminine, whom +we consulted. The light thrown upon these delicate matters by the +contributions of certain persons suggested to us the idea of gathering +together certain savants at a dinner party, and taking their wise +counsels for our guidance in these important investigations. The +gathering took place. It was with glass in hand and after listening to +many brilliant speeches that I received for the following chapters on +the budget of love, a sort of legislative sanction. The sum of one +hundred francs was allowed for porters and carriages. Fifty crowns +seemed very reasonable for the little patties that people eat on a +walk, for bouquets of violets and theatre tickets. The sum of two +hundred francs was considered necessary for the extra expense of +dainties and dinners at restaurants. It was during this discussion +that a young cavalryman, who had been made almost tipsy by the +champagne, was called to order for comparing lovers to distilling +machines. But the chapter that gave occasion for the most violent +discussion, and the consideration of which was adjourned for several +weeks, when a report was made, was that concerning presents. At the +last session, the refined Madame de D----- was the first speaker; and +in a graceful address, which testified to the nobility of her +sentiments, she set out to demonstrate that most of the time the gifts +of love had no intrinsic value. The author replied that all lovers had +their portraits taken. A lady objected that a portrait was invested +capital, and care should always be taken to recover it for a second +investment. But suddenly a gentleman of Provence rose to deliver a +philippic against women. He spoke of the greediness which most women +in love exhibited for furs, satins, silks, jewels and furniture; but a +lady interrupted him by asking if Madame d'O-----y, his intimate +friend, had not already paid his debts twice over. + +"You are mistaken, madame," said the Provencal, "it was her husband." + +"The speaker is called to order," cried the president, "and condemned +to dine the whole party, for having used the word _husband_." + +The Provencal was completely refuted by a lady who undertook to prove +that women show much more self-sacrifice in love than men; that lovers +cost very dear, and that the honest woman may consider herself very +fortunate if she gets off with spending on them two thousand francs +for a single year. The discussion was in danger of degenerating into +an exchange of personalities, when a division was called for. The +conclusions of the committee were adopted by vote. The conclusions +were, in substance, that the amount for presents between lovers during +the year should be reckoned at five hundred francs, but that in this +computation should be included: (1) the expense of expeditions into +the country; (2) the pharmaceutical expenses, occasioned by the colds +caught from walking in the damp pathways of parks, and in leaving the +theatre, which expenses are veritable presents; (3) the carrying of +letters, and law expenses; (4) journeys, and expenses whose items are +forgotten, without counting the follies committed by the spenders; +inasmuch as, according to the investigations of the committee, it had +been proved that most of a man's extravagant expenditure profited the +opera girls, rather than the married women. The conclusion arrived at +from this pecuniary calculation was that, in one way or another, a +passion costs nearly fifteen hundred francs a year, which were +required to meet the expense borne more unequally by lovers, but which +would not have occurred, but for their attachment. There was also a +sort of unanimity in the opinion of the council that this was the +lowest annual figure which would cover the cost of a passion. Now, my +dear sir, since we have proved, by the statistics of our conjugal +calculations [See Meditations I, II, and III.] and proved +irrefragably, that there exists a floating total of at least fifteen +hundred thousand unlawful passions, it follows: + +That the criminal conversations of a third among the French population +contribute a sum of nearly three thousand millions to that vast +circulation of money, the true blood of society, of which the budget +is the heart; + +That the honest woman not only gives life to the children of the +peerage, but also to its financial funds; + +That manufacturers owe their prosperity to this _systolic_ movement; + +That the honest woman is a being essentially _budgetative_, and active +as a consumer; + +That the least decline in public love would involve incalculable +miseries to the treasury, and to men of invested fortunes; + +That a husband has at least a third of his fortune invested in the +inconstancy of his wife, etc. + +I am well aware that you are going to open your mouth and talk to me +about manners, politics, good and evil. But, my dear victim of the +Minotaur, is not happiness the object which all societies should set +before them? Is it not this axiom that makes these wretched kings give +themselves so much trouble about their people? Well, the honest woman +has not, like them, thrones, gendarmes and tribunals; she has only a +bed to offer; but if our four hundred thousand women can, by this +ingenious machine, make a million celibates happy, do not they attain +in a mysterious manner, and without making any fuss, the end aimed at +by a government, namely, the end of giving the largest possible amount +of happiness to the mass of mankind? + +"Yes, but the annoyances, the children, the troubles--" + +Ah, you must permit me to proffer the consolatory thought with which +one of our wittiest caricaturists closes his satiric observations: +"Man is not perfect!" It is sufficient, therefore, that our +institutions have no more disadvantages than advantages in order to be +reckoned excellent; for the human race is not placed, socially +speaking, between the good and the bad, but between the bad and the +worse. Now if the work, which we are at present on the point of +concluding, has had for its object the diminution of the worse, as it +is found in matrimonial institutions, in laying bare the errors and +absurdities due to our manners and our prejudices, we shall certainly +have won one of the fairest titles that can be put forth by a man to a +place among the benefactors of humanity. Has not the author made it +his aim, by advising husbands, to make women more self-restrained and +consequently to impart more violence to passions, more money to the +treasury, more life to commerce and agriculture? Thanks to this last +Meditation he can flatter himself that he has strictly kept the vow of +eclecticism, which he made in projecting the work, and he hopes he has +marshaled all details of the case, and yet like an attorney-general +refrained from expressing his personal opinion. And really what do you +want with an axiom in the present matter? Do you wish that this book +should be a mere development of the last opinion held by Tronchet, who +in his closing days thought that the law of marriage had been drawn up +less in the interest of husbands than of children? I also wish it very +much. Would you rather desire that this book should serve as proof to +the peroration of the Capuchin, who preached before Anne of Austria, +and when he saw the queen and her ladies overwhelmed by his triumphant +arguments against their frailty, said as he came down from the pulpit +of truth, "Now you are all honorable women, and it is we who +unfortunately are sons of Samaritan women"? I have no objection to +that either. You may draw what conclusion you please; for I think it +is very difficult to put forth two contrary opinions, without both of +them containing some grains of truth. But the book has not been +written either for or against marriage; all I have thought you needed +was an exact description of it. If an examination of the machine shall +lead us to make one wheel of it more perfect; if by scouring away some +rust we have given more elastic movement to its mechanism; then give +his wage to the workman. If the author has had the impertinence to +utter truths too harsh for you, if he has too often spoken of rare and +exceptional facts as universal, if he has omitted the commonplaces +which have been employed from time immemorial to offer women the +incense of flattery, oh, let him be crucified! But do not impute to +him any motive of hostility to the institution itself; he is concerned +merely for men and women. He knows that from the moment marriage +ceases to defeat the purpose of marriage, it is unassailable; and, +after all, if there do arise serious complaints against this +institution, it is perhaps because man has no memory excepting for his +disasters, that he accuses his wife, as he accuses his life, for +marriage is but a life within a life. Yet people whose habit it is to +take their opinions from newspapers would perhaps despise a book in +which they see the mania of eclecticism pushed too far; for then they +absolutely demand something in the shape of a peroration, it is not +hard to find one for them. And since the words of Napoleon served to +start this book, why should it not end as it began? Before the whole +Council of State the First Consul pronounced the following startling +phrase, in which he at the same time eulogized and satirized marriage, +and summed up the contents of this book: + +"If a man never grew old, I would never wish him to have a wife!" + + + + POSTSCRIPT. + +"And so you are going to be married?" asked the duchess of the author +who had read his manuscript to her. + +She was one of those ladies to whom the author has already paid his +respects in the introduction of this work. + +"Certainly, madame," I replied. "To meet a woman who has courage +enough to become mine, would satisfy the wildest of my hopes." + +"Is this resignation or infatuation?" + +"That is my affair." + +"Well, sir, as you are doctor of conjugal arts and sciences, allow me +to tell you a little Oriental fable, that I read in a certain sheet, +which is published annually in the form of an almanac. At the +beginning of the Empire ladies used to play at a game in which no one +accepted a present from his or her partner in the game, without saying +the word, _Diadeste_. A game lasted, as you may well suppose, during a +week, and the point was to catch some one receiving some trifle or +other without pronouncing the sacramental word." + +"Even a kiss?" + +"Oh, I have won the _Diadeste_ twenty times in that way," she +laughingly replied. + +"It was, I believe, from the playing of this game, whose origin is +Arabian or Chinese, that my apologue takes its point. But if I tell +you," she went on, putting her finger to her nose, with a charming air +of coquetry, "let me contribute it as a finale to your work." + +"This would indeed enrich me. You have done me so many favors already, +that I cannot repay--" + +She smiled slyly, and replied as follows: + + + +A philosopher had compiled a full account of all the tricks that women +could possibly play, and in order to verify it, he always carried it +about with him. One day he found himself in the course of his travels +near an encampment of Arabs. A young woman, who had seated herself +under the shade of a palm tree, rose on his approach. She kindly asked +him to rest himself in her tent, and he could not refuse. Her husband +was then absent. Scarcely had the traveler seated himself on a soft +rug, when the graceful hostess offered him fresh dates, and a cup of +milk; he could not help observing the rare beauty of her hands as she +did so. But, in order to distract his mind from the sensations roused +in him by the fair young Arabian girl, whose charms were most +formidable, the sage took his book, and began to read. + +The seductive creature piqued by this slight said to him in a +melodious voice: + +"That book must be very interesting since it seems to be the sole +object worthy of your attention. Would it be taking a liberty to ask +what science it treats of?" + +The philosopher kept his eyes lowered as he replied: + +"The subject of this book is beyond the comprehension of ladies." + +This rebuff excited more than ever the curiosity of the young Arabian +woman. She put out the prettiest little foot that had ever left its +fleeting imprint on the shifting sands of the desert. The philosopher +was perturbed, and his eyes were too powerfully tempted to resist +wandering from these feet, which betokened so much, up to the bosom, +which was still more ravishingly fair; and soon the flame of his +admiring glance was mingled with the fire that sparkled in the pupils +of the young Asiatic. She asked again the name of the book in tones so +sweet that the philosopher yielded to the fascination, and replied: + +"I am the author of the book; but the substance of it is not mine: it +contains an account of all the ruses and stratagems of women." + +"What! Absolutely all?" said the daughter of the desert. + +"Yes, all! And it has been only by a constant study of womankind that +I have come to regard them without fear." + +"Ah!" said the young Arabian girl, lowering the long lashes of her +white eyelids. + +Then, suddenly darting the keenest of her glances at the pretended +sage, she made him in one instant forget the book and all its +contents. And now our philosopher was changed to the most passionate +of men. Thinking he saw in the bearing of the young woman a faint +trace of coquetry, the stranger was emboldened to make an avowal. How +could he resist doing so? The sky was blue, the sand blazed in the +distance like a scimitar of gold, the wind of the desert breathed +love, and the woman of Arabia seemed to reflect all the fire with +which she was surrounded; her piercing eyes were suffused with a mist; +and by a slight nod of the head she seemed to make the luminous +atmosphere undulate, as she consented to listen to the stranger's +words of love. The sage was intoxicated with delirious hopes, when the +young woman, hearing in the distance the gallop of a horse which +seemed to fly, exclaimed: + +"We are lost! My husband is sure to catch us. He is jealous as a +tiger, and more pitiless than one. In the name of the prophet, if you +love your life, conceal yourself in this chest!" + +The author, frightened out of his wits, seeing no other way of getting +out of a terrible fix, jumped into the box, and crouched down there. +The woman closed down the lid, locked it, and took the key. She ran to +meet her husband, and after some caresses which put him into a good +humor, she said: + +"I must relate to you a very singular adventure I have just had." + +"I am listening, my gazelle," replied the Arab, who sat down on a rug +and crossed his feet after the Oriental manner. + +"There arrived here to-day a kind of philosopher," she began, "he +professes to have compiled a book which describes all the wiles of +which my sex is capable; and then this sham sage made love to me." + +"Well, go on!" cried the Arab. + +"I listened to his avowal. He was young, ardent--and you came just in +time to save my tottering virtue." + +The Arab leaped to his feet like a lion, and drew his scimitar with a +shout of fury. The philosopher heard all from the depths of the chest +and consigned to Hades his book, and all the men and women of Arabia +Petraea. + +"Fatima!" cried the husband, "if you would save your life, answer me +--Where is the traitor?" + +Terrified at the tempest which she had roused, Fatima threw herself at +her husband's feet, and trembling beneath the point of his sword, she +pointed out the chest with a prompt though timid glance of her eye. +Then she rose to her feet, as if in shame, and taking the key from her +girdle presented it to the jealous Arab; but, just as he was about to +open the chest, the sly creature burst into a peal of laughter. Faroun +stopped with a puzzled expression, and looked at his wife in +amazement. + +"So I shall have my fine chain of gold, after all!" she cried, dancing +for joy. "You have lost the _Diadeste_. Be more mindful next time." + +The husband, thunderstruck, let fall the key, and offered her the +longed-for chain on bended knee, and promised to bring to his darling +Fatima all the jewels brought by the caravan in a year, if she would +refrain from winning the _Diadeste_ by such cruel stratagems. Then, as +he was an Arab, and did not like forfeiting a chain of gold, although +his wife had fairly won it, he mounted his horse again, and galloped +off, to complain at his will, in the desert, for he loved Fatima too +well to let her see his annoyance. The young woman then drew forth the +philosopher from the chest, and gravely said to him, "Do not forget, +Master Doctor, to put this feminine trick into your collection." + + + +"Madame," said I to the duchess, "I understand! If I marry, I am bound +to be unexpectedly outwitted by some infernal trick or other; but I +shall in that case, you may be quite sure, furnish a model household +for the admiration of my contemporaries." + + + +PARIS, 1824-29. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Physiology of Marriage, Part III. +by Honore de Balzac + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE PHYSIOLOGY OF MARRIAGE *** + +***** This file should be named 5958.txt or 5958.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/5/9/5/5958/ + +Produced by Dagny; and John Bickers + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: The Physiology of Marriage Part 3 + +Author: Honore de Balzac + +Release Date: June, 2004 [EBook #5958] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on September 30, 2002] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, THE PHYSIOLOGY OF MARRIAGE PART 3 *** + + + + +Etext prepared by Dagny, dagnypg@yahoo.com +and John Bickers, jbickers@ihug.co.nz + + + + + THE PHYSIOLOGY OF MARRIAGE + + THIRD PART + + BY + + HONORE DE BALZAC + + + + RELATING TO CIVIL WAR. + + "Lovely as the seraphs of Klopstock, + Terrible as the devils of Milton." + --DIDEROT. + + + + MEDITATION XXIII. + + OF MANIFESTOES. + +The Preliminary precepts, by which science has been enabled at this +point to put weapons into the hand of a husband, are few in number; it +is not of so much importance to know whether he will be vanquished, as +to examine whether he can offer any resistance in the conflict. + +Meanwhile, we will set up here certain beacons to light up the arena +where a husband is soon to find himself, in alliance with religion and +law, engaged single-handed in a contest with his wife, who is +supported by her native craft and the whole usages of society as her +allies. + + + LXXXII. + Anything may be expected and anything may be supposed of a woman who + is in love. + + + LXXXIII. + The actions of a woman who intends to deceive her husband are almost + always the result of study, but never dictated by reason. + + + LXXXIV. + The greater number of women advance like the fleas, by erratic leaps + and bounds, They owe their escape to the height or depth of their + first ideas, and any interruption of their plans rather favors their +execution. But they operate only within a narrow area which it is easy + for the husband to make still narrower; and if he keeps cool he will + end by extinguishing this piece of living saltpetre. + + + LXXXV. + A husband should never allow himself to address a single disparaging + remark to his wife, in presence of a third party. + + + LXXXVI. + The moment a wife decides to break her marriage vow she reckons her +husband as everything or nothing. All defensive operations must start + from this proposition. + + + LXXXVII. + The life of a woman is either of the head, of the heart, or of +passion. When a woman reaches the age to form an estimate of life, her + husband ought to find out whether the primary cause of her intended + infidelity proceeds from vanity, from sentiment or from temperament. + Temperament may be remedied like disease; sentiment is something in +which the husband may find great opportunities of success; but vanity + is incurable. A woman whose life is of the head may be a terrible + scourge. She combines the faults of a passionate woman with those of + the tender-hearted woman, without having their palliations. She is + destitute alike of pity, love, virtue or sex. + + + LXXXVIII. + A woman whose life is of the head will strive to inspire her husband +with indifference; the woman whose life is of the heart, with hatred; + the passionate woman, with disgust. + + + LXXXIX. +A husband never loses anything by appearing to believe in the fidelity +of his wife, by preserving an air of patience and by keeping silence. + Silence especially troubles a woman amazingly. + + + XC. + To show himself aware of the passion of his wife is the mark of a +fool; but to affect ignorance of all proves that a man has sense, and + this is in fact the only attitude to take. We are taught, moreover, + that everybody in France is sensible. + + + XCI. + The rock most to be avoided is ridicule.--"At least, let us be + affectionate in public," ought to be the maxim of a married + establishment. For both the married couple to lose honor, esteem, +consideration, respect and all that is worth living for in society, is + to become a nonentity. + + +These axioms relate to the contest alone. As for the catastrophe, +others will be needed for that. + + + +We have called this crisis /Civil War/ for two reasons; never was a +war more really intestine and at the same time so polite as this war. +But in what point and in what manner does this fatal war break out? +You do not believe that your wife will call out regiments and sound +the trumpet, do you? She will, perhaps, have a commanding officer, but +that is all. And this feeble army corps will be sufficient to destroy +the peace of your establishment. + +"You forbid me to see the people that I like!" is an exordium which +has served for a manifesto in most homes. This phrase, with all the +ideas that are concomitant, is oftenest employed by vain and +artificial women. + +The most usual manifesto is that which is proclaimed in the conjugal +bed, the principal theatre of war. This subject will be treated in +detail in the Meditation entitled: /Of Various Weapons/, in the +paragraph, /Of Modesty in its Connection with Marriage/. + +Certain women of a lymphatic temperament will pretend to have the +spleen and will even feign death, if they can only gain thereby the +benefit of a secret divorce. + +But most of them owe their independence to the execution of a plan, +whose effect upon the majority of husbands is unfailing and whose +perfidies we will now reveal. + +One of the greatest of human errors springs from the belief that our +honor and our reputation are founded upon our actions, or result from +the approbation which the general conscience bestows upon on conduct. +A man who lives in the world is born to be a slave to public opinion. +Now a private man in France has less opportunity of influencing the +world than his wife, although he has ample occasion for ridiculing it. +Women possess to a marvelous degree the art of giving color by +specious arguments to the recriminations in which they indulge. They +never set up any defence, excepting when they are in the wrong, and in +this proceeding they are pre-eminent, knowing how to oppose arguments +by precedents, proofs by assertions, and thus they very often obtain +victory in minor matters of detail. They see and know with admirable +penetration, when one of them presents to another a weapon which she +herself is forbidden to whet. It is thus that they sometimes lose a +husband without intending it. They apply the match and long afterwards +are terror-stricken at the conflagration. + +As a general thing, all women league themselves against a married man +who is accused of tyranny; for a secret tie unites them all, as it +unites all priests of the same religion. They hate each other, yet +shield each other. You can never gain over more than one of them; and +yet this act of seduction would be a triumph for your wife. + +You are, therefore, outlawed from the feminine kingdom. You see +ironical smiles on every lip, you meet an epigram in every answer. +These clever creatures force their daggers and amuse themselves by +sculpturing the handle before dealing you a graceful blow. + +The treacherous art of reservation, the tricks of silence, the malice +of suppositions, the pretended good nature of an inquiry, all these +arts are employed against you. A man who undertakes to subjugate his +wife is an example too dangerous to escape destruction from them, for +will not his conduct call up against them the satire of every husband? +Moreover, all of them will attack you, either by bitter witticisms, or +by serious arguments, or by the hackneyed maxims of gallantry. A swarm +of celibates will support all their sallies and you will be assailed +and persecuted as an original, a tyrant, a bad bed-fellow, an +eccentric man, a man not to be trusted. + +Your wife will defend you like the bear in the fable of La Fontaine; +she will throw paving stones at your head to drive away the flies that +alight on it. She will tell you in the evening all the things that +have been said about you, and will ask an explanation of acts which +you never committed, and of words which you never said. She professes +to have justified you for faults of which you are innocent; she has +boasted of a liberty which she does not possess, in order to clear you +of the wrong which you have done in denying that liberty. The +deafening rattle which your wife shakes will follow you everywhere +with its obtrusive din. Your darling will stun you, will torture you, +meanwhile arming herself by making you feel only the thorns of married +life. She will greet you with a radiant smile in public, and will be +sullen at home. She will be dull when you are merry, and will make you +detest her merriment when you are moody. Your two faces will present a +perpetual contrast. + +Very few men have sufficient force of mind not to succumb to this +preliminary comedy, which is always cleverly played, and resembles the +/hourra/ raised by the Cossacks, as they advance to battle. Many +husbands become irritated and fall into irreparable mistakes. Others +abandon their wives. And, indeed, even those of superior intelligence +do not know how to get hold of the enchanted ring, by which to dispel +this feminine phantasmagoria. + +Two-thirds of such women are enabled to win their independence by this +single manoeuvre, which is no more than a review of their forces. In +this case the war is soon ended. + +But a strong man who courageously keeps cool throughout this first +assault will find much amusement in laying bare to his wife, in a +light and bantering way, the secret feelings which make her thus +behave, in following her step by step through the labyrinth which she +treads, and telling her in answer to her every remark, that she is +false to herself, while he preserves throughout a tone of pleasantry +and never becomes excited. + +Meanwhile war is declared, and if her husband has not been dazzled by +these first fireworks, a woman has yet many other resources for +securing her triumph; and these it is the purpose of the following +Meditations to discover. + + + + MEDITATION XXIV. + + PRINCIPLES OF STRATEGY. + +The Archduke Charles published a very fine treatise on military under +the title /Principles of Strategy in Relation to the Campaigns of +1796/. These principles seem somewhat to resemble poetic canons +prepared for poems already published. In these days we are become very +much more energetic, we invent rules to suit works and works to suit +rules. But of what use were ancient principles of military art in +presence of the impetuous genius of Napoleon? If, to-day, however, we +reduce to a system the lessons taught by this great captain whose new +tactics have destroyed the ancient ones, what future guarantee do we +possess that another Napoleon will not yet be born? Books on military +art meet, with few exceptions, the fate of ancient works on Chemistry +and Physics. Everything is subject to change, either constant or +periodic. + +This, in a few words, is the history of our work. + +So long as we have been dealing with a woman who is inert or lapped in +slumber, nothing has been easier than to weave the meshes with which +we have bound her; but the moment she wakes up and begins to struggle, +all is confusion and complication. If a husband would make an effort +to recall the principles of the system which we have just described in +order to involve his wife in the nets which our second part has set +for her, he would resemble Wurmser, Mack and Beaulieu arranging their +halts and their marches while Napoleon nimbly turns their flank, and +makes use of their own tactics to destroy them. + +This is just what your wife will do. + +How is it possible to get at the truth when each of you conceals it +under the same lie, each setting the same trap for the other? And +whose will be the victory when each of you is caught in a similar +snare? + +"My dear, I have to go out; I have to pay a visit to Madame So and So. +I have ordered the carriage. Would you like to come with me? Come, be +good, and go with your wife." + +You say to yourself: + +"She would be nicely caught if I consented! She asks me only to be +refused." + +Then you reply to her: + +"Just at the moment I have some business with Monsieur Blank, for he +has to give a report in a business matter which deeply concerns us +both, and I must absolutely see him. Then I must go to the Minister of +Finance. So your arrangement will suit us both." + +"Very well, dearest, go and dress yourself, while Celine finishes +dressing me; but don't keep me waiting." + +"I am ready now, love," you cry out, at the end of ten minutes, as you +stand shaved and dressed. + +But all is changed. A letter has arrived; madame is not well; her +dress fits badly; the dressmaker has come; if it is not the dressmaker +it is your mother. Ninety-nine out of a hundred husbands will leave +the house satisfied, believing that their wives are well guarded, +when, as a matter of fact, the wives have gotten rid of them. + +A lawful wife who from her husband cannot escape, who is not +distressed by pecuniary anxiety, and who in order to give employment +to a vacant mind, examines night and day the changing tableaux of each +day's experience, soon discovers the mistake she has made in falling +into a trap or allowing herself to be surprised by a catastrophe; she +will then endeavor to turn all these weapons against you. + +There is a man in society, the sight of whom is strangely annoying to +your wife; she can tolerate neither his tone, his manners nor his way +of regarding things. Everything connected with him is revolting to +her; she is persecuted by him, he is odious to her; she hopes that no +one will tell him this. It seems almost as if she were attempting to +oppose you; for this man is one for whom you have the highest esteem. +You like his disposition because he flatters you; and thus your wife +presumes that your esteem for him results from flattered vanity. When +you give a ball, an evening party or a concert, there is almost a +discussion on this subject, and madame picks a quarrel with you, +because you are compelling her to see people who are not agreeable to +her. + +"At least, sir, I shall never have to reproach myself with omitting to +warn you. That man will yet cause you trouble. You should put some +confidence in women when they pass sentence on the character of a man. +And permit me to tell you that this baron, for whom you have such a +predilection, is a very dangerous person, and you are doing very wrong +to bring him to your house. And this is the way you behave; you +absolutely force me to see one whom I cannot tolerate, and if I ask +you to invite Monsieur A-----, you refuse to do so, because you think +that I like to have him with me! I admit that he talks well, that he +is kind and amiable; but you are more to me than he can ever be." + +These rude outlines of feminine tactics, which are emphasized by +insincere gestures, by looks of feigned ingenuousness, by artful +intonations of the voice and even by the snare of cunning silence, are +characteristic to some degree of their whole conduct. + +There are few husbands who in such circumstances as these do not form +the idea of setting a mouse-trap; they welcome as their guests both +Monsieur A----- and the imaginary baron who represents the person whom +their wives abhor, and they do so in the hope of discovering a lover +in the celibate who is apparently beloved. + +Oh yes, I have often met in the world young men who were absolutely +starlings in love and complete dupes of a friendship which women +pretended to show them, women who felt themselves obliged to make a +diversion and to apply a blister to their husbands as their husbands +had previously done to them! These poor innocents pass their time in +running errands, in engaging boxes at the theatre, in riding in the +Bois de Boulogne by the carriages of their pretended mistresses; they +are publicly credited with possessing women whose hands they have not +even kissed. Vanity prevents them from contradicting these flattering +rumors, and like the young priests who celebrate masses without a +Host, they enjoy a mere show passion, and are veritable +supernumeraries of love. + +Under these circumstances sometimes a husband on returning home asks +the porter: "Has no one been here?"--"M. le Baron came past at two +o'clock to see monsieur; but as he found no one was in but madame he +went away; but Monsieur A----- is with her now." + +You reach the drawing-room, you see there a young celibate, sprightly, +scented, wearing a fine necktie, in short a perfect dandy. He is a man +who holds you in high esteem; when he comes to your house your wife +listens furtively for his footsteps; at a ball she always dances with +him. If you forbid her to see him, she makes a great outcry and it is +not till many years afterwards [see Meditation on /Las Symptoms/] that +you see the innocence of Monsieur A----- and the culpability of the +baron. + +We have observed and noted as one of the cleverest manoeuvres, that of +a young woman who, carried away by an irresistible passion, exhibited +a bitter hatred to the man she did not love, but lavished upon her +lover secret intimations of her love. The moment that her husband was +persuaded that she loved the /Cicisbeo/ and hated the /Patito/, she +arranged that she and the /Patito/ should be found in a situation +whose compromising character she had calculated in advance, and her +husband and the execrated celibate were thus induced to believe that +her love and her aversion were equally insincere. When she had brought +her husband into the condition of perplexity, she managed that a +passionate letter should fall into his hands. One evening in the midst +of the admirable catastrophe which she had thus brought to a climax, +madame threw herself at her husband's feet, wet them with her tears, +and thus concluded the climax to her own satisfaction. + +"I esteem and honor you profoundly," she cried, "for keeping your own +counsel as you have done. I am in love! Is this a sentiment which is +easy for me to repress? But what I can do is to confess the fact to +you; to implore you to protect me from myself, to save me from my own +folly. Be my master and be a stern master to me; take me away from +this place, remove me from what has caused all this trouble, console +me; I will forget him, I desire to do so. I do not wish to betray you. +I humbly ask your pardon for the treachery love has suggested to me. +Yes, I confess to you that the love which I pretended to have for my +cousin was a snare set to deceive you. I love him with the love of +friendship and no more.--Oh! forgive me! I can love no one but"--her +voice was choked in passionate sobs--"Oh! let us go away, let us leave +Paris!" + +She began to weep; her hair was disheveled, her dress in disarray; it +was midnight, and her husband forgave her. From henceforth, the cousin +made his appearance without risk, and the Minotaur devoured one victim +more. + +What instructions can we give for contending with such adversaries as +these? Their heads contain all the diplomacy of the congress of +Vienna; they have as much power when they are caught as when they +escape. What man has a mind supple enough to lay aside brute force and +strength and follow his wife through such mazes as these? + +To make a false plea every moment, in order to elicit the truth, a +true plea in order to unmask falsehood; to charge the battery when +least expected, and to spike your gun at the very moment of firing it; +to scale the mountain with the enemy, in order to descend to the plain +again five minutes later; to accompany the foe in windings as rapid, +as obscure as those of a plover on the breezes; to obey when obedience +is necessary, and to oppose when resistance is inertial; to traverse +the whole scale of hypotheses as a young artist with one stroke runs +from the lowest to the highest note of his piano; to divine at last +the secret purpose on which a woman is bent; to fear her caresses and +to seek rather to find out what are the thoughts that suggested them +and the pleasure which she derived from them--this is mere child's pay +for the man of intellect and for those lucid and searching +imaginations which possess the gift of doing and thinking at the same +time. But there are a vast number of husbands who are terrified at the +mere idea of putting in practice these principles in their dealings +with a woman. + +Such men as these prefer passing their lives in making huge efforts to +become second-class chess-players, or to pocket adroitly a ball in +billiards. + +Some of them will tell you that they are incapable of keeping their +minds on such a constant strain and breaking up the habits of their +life. In that case the woman triumphs. She recognizes that in mind and +energy she is her husband's superior, although the superiority may be +but temporary; and yet there rises in her a feeling of contempt for +the head of the house. + +If many man fail to be masters in their own house this is not from +lack of willingness, but of talent. As for those who are ready to +undergo the toils of this terrible duel, it is quite true that they +must needs possess great moral force. + +And really, as soon as it is necessary to display all the resources of +this secret strategy, it is often useless to attempt setting any traps +for these satanic creatures. Once women arrive at a point when they +willfully deceive, their countenances become as inscrutable as +vacancy. Here is an example which came within my own experience. + +A very young, very pretty, and very clever coquette of Paris had not +yet risen. Seated by her bed was one of her dearest friends. A letter +arrived from another, a very impetuous fellow, to whom she had allowed +the right of speaking to her like a master. The letter was in pencil +and ran as follows: + +"I understand that Monsieur C----- is with you at this moment. I am +waiting for him to blow his brains out." + +Madame D----- calmly continued the conversation with Monsieur C-----. +She asked him to hand her a little writing desk of red leather which +stood on the table, and he brought it to her. + +"Thanks, my dear," she said to him; "go on talking, I am listening to +you." + +C----- talked away and she replied, all the while writing the +following note: + +"As soon as you become jealous of C----- you two can blow out each +other's brains at your pleasure. As for you, you may die; but brains-- +you haven't any brains to blow out." + +"My dear friend," she said to C-----, "I beg you will light this +candle. Good, you are charming. And now be kind enough to leave me and +let me get up, and give this letter to Monsieur d'H-----, who is +waiting at the door." + +All this was said with admirable coolness. The tones and intonations +of her voice, the expression of her face showed no emotion. Her +audacity was crowned with complete success. On receiving the answer +from the hand of Monsieur C-----, Monsieur d'H----- felt his wrath +subside. He was troubled with only one thing and that was how to +disguise his inclination to laugh. + +The more torch-light one flings into the immense cavern which we are +now trying to illuminate, the more profound it appears. It is a +bottomless abyss. It appears to us that our task will be accomplished +more agreeably and more instructively if we show the principles of +strategy put into practice in the case of a woman, when she has +reached a high degree of vicious accomplishment. An example suggests +more maxims and reveals the existence of more methods than all +possible theories. + +One day at the end of a dinner given to certain intimate friends by +Prince Lebrun, the guests, heated by champagne, were discussing the +inexhaustible subject of feminine artifice. The recent adventure which +was credited to the Countess R. D. S. J. D. A-----, apropos of a +necklace, was the subject first broached. A highly esteemed artist, a +gifted friend of the emperor, was vigorously maintaining the opinion, +which seemed somewhat unmanly, that it was forbidden to a man to +resist successfully the webs woven by a woman. + +"It is my happy experience," he said, "that to them nothing is +sacred." + +The ladies protested. + +"But I can cite an instance in point." + +"It is an exception!" + +"Let us hear the story," said a young lady. + +"Yes, tell it to us," cried all the guests. + +The prudent old gentleman cast his eyes around, and, after having +formed his conclusions as to the age of the ladies, smiled and said: + +"Since we are all experienced in life, I consent to relate the +adventure." + +Dead silence followed, and the narrator read the following from a +little book which he had taken from his pocket: +x + + +I was head over ears in love with the Comtesse de -----. I was twenty +and I was ingenuous. She deceived me. I was angry; she threw me over. +I was ingenuous, I repeat, and I was grieved to lose her. I was +twenty; she forgave me. And as I was twenty, as I was always +ingenuous, always deceived, but never again thrown over by her, I +believed myself to have been the best beloved of lovers, consequently +the happiest of men. The countess had a friend, Madame de T-----, who +seemed to have some designs on me, but without compromising her +dignity; for she was scrupulous and respected the proprieties. One day +while I was waiting for the countess in her Opera box, I heard my name +called from a contiguous box. It was Madame de T-----. + +"What," she said, "already here? Is this fidelity or merely a want of +something to do? Won't you come to me?" + +Her voice and her manner had a meaning in them, but I was far from +inclined at that moment to indulge in a romance. + +"Have you any plans for this evening?" she said to me. "Don't make +any! If I cheer your tedious solitude you ought to be devoted to me. +Don't ask any questions, but obey. Call my servants." + +I answered with a bow and on being requested to leave the Opera box, I +obeyed. + +"Go to this gentleman's house," she said to the lackey. "Say he will +not be home till to-morrow." + +She made a sign to him, he went to her, she whispered in his ear, and +he left us. The Opera began. I tried to venture on a few words, but +she silenced me; some one might be listening. The first act ended, the +lackey brought back a note, and told her that everything was ready. +Then she smiled, asked for my hand, took me off, put me in her +carriage, and I started on my journey quite ignorant of my +destination. Every inquiry I made was answered by a peal of laughter. +If I had not been aware that this was a woman of great passion, that +she had long loved the Marquis de V-----, that she must have known I +was aware of it, I should have believed myself in good luck; but she +knew the condition of my heart, and the Comtesse de -----. I therefore +rejected all presumptuous ideas and bided my time. At the first stop, +a change of horses was supplied with the swiftness of lightning and we +started afresh. The matter was becoming serious. I asked with some +insistency, where this joke was to end. + +"Where?" she said, laughing. "In the pleasantest place in the world, +but can't you guess? I'll give you a thousand chances. Give it up, for +you will never guess. We are going to my husband's house. Do you know +him?" + +"Not in the least." + +"So much the better, I thought you didn't. But I hope you will like +him. We have lately become reconciled. Negotiations went on for six +months; and we have been writing to one another for a month. I think +it is very kind of me to go and look him up." + +"It certainly is, but what am I going to do there? What good will I be +in this reconciliation?" + +"Ah, that is my business. You are young, amiable, unconventional; you +suit me and will save me from the tediousness of a tete-a-tete." + +"But it seems odd to me, to choose the day or the night of a +reconciliation to make us acquainted; the awkwardness of the first +interview, the figure all three of us will cut,--I don't see anything +particularly pleasant in that." + +"I have taken possession of you for my own amusement!" she said with +an imperious air, "so please don't preach." + +I saw she was decided, so surrendered myself to circumstances. I began +to laugh at my predicament and we became exceedingly merry. We again +changed horses. The mysterious torch of night lit up a sky of extreme +clearness and shed around a delightful twilight. We were approaching +the spot where our tete-a-tete must end. She pointed out to me at +intervals the beauty of the landscape, the tranquillity of the night, +the all-pervading silence of nature. In order to admire these things +in company as it was natural we should, we turned to the same window +and our faces touched for a moment. In a sudden shock she seized my +hand, and by a chance which seemed to me extraordinary, for the stone +over which our carriage had bounded could not have been very large, I +found Madame de T----- in my arms. I do not know what we were trying +to see; what I am sure of is that the objects before our eyes began in +spite of the full moon to grow misty, when suddenly I was released +from her weight, and she sank into the back cushions of the carriage. + +"Your object," she said, rousing herself from a deep reverie, "is +possibly to convince me of the imprudence of this proceeding. Judge, +therefore, of my embarrassment!" + +"My object!" I replied, "what object can I have with regard to you? +What a delusion! You look very far ahead; but of course the sudden +surprise or turn of chance may excuse anything." + +"You have counted, then, upon that chance, it seems to me?" + +We had reached our destination, and before we were aware of it, we had +entered the court of the chateau. The whole place was brightly lit up. +Everything wore a festal air, excepting the face of its master, who at +the sight of me seemed anything but delighted. He came forward and +expressed in somewhat hesitating terms the tenderness proper to the +occasion of a reconciliation. I understood later on that this +reconciliation was absolutely necessary from family reasons. I was +presented to him and was coldly greeted. He extended his hand to his +wife, and I followed the two, thinking of my part in the past, in the +present and in the future. I passed through apartments decorated with +exquisite taste. The master in this respect had gone beyond all the +ordinary refinement of luxury, in the hope of reanimating, by the +influence of voluptuous imagery, a physical nature that was dead. Not +knowing what to say, I took refuge in expressions of admiration. The +goddess of the temple, who was quite ready to do the honors, accepted +my compliments. + +"You have not seen anything," she said. "I must take you to the +apartments of my husband." + +"Madame, five years ago I caused them to be pulled down." + +"Oh! Indeed!" said she. + +At the dinner, what must she do but offer the master some fish, on +which he said to her: + +"Madame, I have been living on milk for the last three years." + +"Oh! Indeed!" she said again. + +Can any one imagine three human beings as astonished as we were to +find ourselves gathered together? The husband looked at me with a +supercilious air, and I paid him back with a look of audacity. + +Madame de T----- smiled at me and was charming to me; Monsieur de +T----- accepted me as a necessary evil. Never in all my life have I +taken part in a dinner which was so odd as that. The dinner ended, I +thought that we would go to bed early--that is, I thought that +Monsieur de T----- would. As we entered the drawing-room: + +"I appreciate, madame," said he, "your precaution in bringing this +gentleman with you. You judged rightly that I should be but poor +company for the evening, and you have done well, for I am going to +retire." + +Then turning to me, he added in a tone of profound sarcasm: + +"You will please to pardon me, and obtain also pardon from madame." + +He left us. My reflections? Well, the reflections of a twelvemonth +were then comprised in those of a minute. When we were left alone, +Madame de T----- and I, we looked at each other so curiously that, in +order to break through the awkwardness, she proposed that we should +take a turn on the terrace while we waited, as she said, until the +servants had supped. + +It was a superb night. It was scarcely possible to discern surrounding +objects, they seemed to be covered with a veil, that imagination might +be permitted to take a loftier flight. The gardens, terraced on the +side of a mountain, sloped down, platform after platform, to the banks +of the Seine, and the eye took in the many windings of the stream +covered with islets green and picturesque. These variations in the +landscape made up a thousand pictures which gave to the spot, +naturally charming, a thousand novel features. We walked along the +most extensive of these terraces, which was covered with a thick +umbrage of trees. She had recovered from the effects of her husband's +persiflage, and as we walked along she gave me her confidence. +Confidence begets confidence, and as I told her mine, all she said to +me became more intimate and more interesting. Madame de T----- at +first gave me her arm; but soon this arm became interlaced in mine, I +know not how, but in some way almost lifted her up and prevented her +from touching the ground. The position was agreeable, but became at +last fatiguing. We had been walking for a long time and we still had +much to say to each other. A bank of turf appeared and she sat down +without withdrawing her arm. And in this position we began to sound +the praises of mutual confidence, its charms and its delights. + +"Ah!" she said to me, "who can enjoy it more than we and with less +cause of fear? I know well the tie that binds you to another, and +therefore have nothing to fear." + +Perhaps she wished to be contradicted. But I answered not a word. We +were then mutually persuaded that it was possible for us to be friends +without fear of going further. + +"But I was afraid, however," I said, "that that sudden jolt in the +carriage and the surprising consequences may have frightened you." + +"Oh, I am not so easily alarmed!" + +"I fear it has left a little cloud on your mind?" + +"What must I do to reassure you?" + +"Give me the kiss here which chance--" + +"I will gladly do so; for if I do not, your vanity will lead you to +think that I fear you." + +I took the kiss. + +It is with kisses as with confidences, the first leads to another. +They are multiplied, they interrupt conversation, they take its place; +they scarce leave time for a sigh to escape. Silence followed. We +could hear it, for silence may be heard. We rose without a word and +began to walk again. + +"We must go in," said she, "for the air of the river is icy, and it is +not worth while--" + +"I think to go in would be more dangerous," I answered. + +"Perhaps so! Never mind, we will go in." + +"Why, is this out of consideration for me? You wish doubtless to save +me from the impressions which I may receive from such a walk as this-- +the consequences which may result. Is it for me--for me only--?" + +"You are modest," she said smiling, "and you credit me with singular +consideration." + +"Do you think so? Well, since you take it in this way, we will go in; +I demand it." + +A stupid proposition, when made by two people who are forcing +themselves to say something utterly different from what they think. + +Then she compelled me to take the path that led back to the chateau. I +do not know, at least I did not then know, whether this course was one +which she forced upon herself, whether it was the result of a vigorous +resolution, or whether she shared my disappointment in seeing an +incident which had begun so well thus suddenly brought to a close but +by a mutual instinct our steps slackened and we pursued our way +gloomily dissatisfied the one with the other and with ourselves. We +knew not the why and the wherefore of what we were doing. Neither of +us had the right to demand or even to ask anything. We had neither of +us any ground for uttering a reproach. O that we had got up a quarrel! +But how could I pick one with her? Meanwhile we drew nearer and +nearer, thinking how we might evade the duty which we had so awkwardly +imposed upon ourselves. We reached the door, when Madame de T----- +said to me: + +"I am angry with you! After the confidences I have given you, not to +give me a single one! You have not said a word about the countess. And +yet it is so delightful to speak of the one we love! I should have +listened with such interest! It was the very best I could do after I +had taken you away from her!" + +"Cannot I reproach you with the same thing?" I said, interrupting her, +"and if instead of making me a witness to this singular reconciliation +in which I play so odd a part, you had spoken to me of the marquis--" + +"Stop," she said, "little as you know of women, you are aware that +their confidences must be waited for, not asked. But to return to +yourself. Are you very happy with my friend? Ah! I fear the +contrary--" + +"Why, madame, should everything that the public amuses itself by +saying claim our belief?" + +"You need not dissemble. The countess makes less a mystery of things +than you do. Women of her stamp do not keep the secrets of their loves +and of their lovers, especially when you are prompted by discretion to +conceal her triumph. I am far from accusing her of coquetry; but a +prude has as much vanity as a coquette.--Come, tell me frankly, have +you not cause of complaint against her?" + +"But, madame, the air is really too icy for us to stay here. Would you +like to go in?" said I with a smile. + +"Do you find it so?--That is singular. The air is quite warm." + +She had taken my arm again, and we continued to walk, although I did +not know the direction which we took. All that she had hinted at +concerning the lover of the countess, concerning my mistress, together +with this journey, the incident which took place in the carriage, our +conversation on the grassy bank, the time of night, the moonlight--all +made me feel anxious. I was at the same time carried along by vanity, +by desire, and so distracted by thought, that I was too excited +perhaps to take notice of all that I was experiencing. And, while I +was overwhelmed with these mingled feelings, she continued talking to +me of the countess, and my silence confirmed the truth of all that she +chose to say about her. Nevertheless, certain passages in her talk +recalled me to myself. + +"What an exquisite creature she is!" she was saying. "How graceful! On +her lips the utterances of treachery sound like witticism; an act of +infidelity seems the prompting of reason, a sacrifice to propriety; +while she is never reckless, she is always lovable; she is seldom +tender and never sincere; amorous by nature, prudish on principle; +sprightly, prudent, dexterous though utterly thoughtless, varied as +Proteus in her moods, but charming as the Graces in her manner; she +attracts but she eludes. What a number of parts I have seen her play! +/Entre nous/, what a number of dupes hang round her! What fun she has +made of the baron, what a life she has led the marquis! When she took +you, it was merely for the purpose of throwing the two rivals off the +scent; they were on the point of a rupture; for she had played with +them too long, and they had had time to see through her. But she +brought you on the scene. Their attention was called to you, she led +them to redouble their pursuit, she was in despair over you, she +pitied you, she consoled you-- Ah! how happy is a clever woman when in +such a game as this she professes to stake nothing of her own! But +yet, is this true happiness?" + +This last phrase, accompanied by a significant sigh, was a master- +stroke. I felt as if a bandage had fallen from my eyes, without seeing +who had put it there. My mistress appeared to me the falsest of women, +and I believed that I held now the only sensible creature in the +world. Then I sighed without knowing why. She seemed grieved at having +given me pain and at having in her excitement drawn a picture, the +truth of which might be open to suspicion, since it was the work of a +woman. I do not know how I answered; for without realizing the drift +of all I heard, I set out with her on the high road of sentiment, and +we mounted to such lofty heights of feeling that it was impossible to +guess what would be the end of our journey. It was fortunate that we +also took the path towards a pavilion which she pointed out to me at +the end of the terrace, a pavilion, the witness of many sweet moments. +She described to me the furnishing of it. What a pity that she had not +the key! As she spoke we reached the pavilion and found that it was +open. The clearness of the moonlight outside did not penetrate, but +darkness has many charms. We trembled as we went in. It was a +sanctuary. Might it not be the sanctuary of love? We drew near a sofa +and sat down, and there we remained a moment listening to our heart- +beats. The last ray of the moon carried away the last scruple. The +hand which repelled me felt my heart beat. She struggled to get away, +but fell back overcome with tenderness. We talked together through +that silence in the language of thought. Nothing is more rapturous +than these mute conversations. Madame de T----- took refuge in my +arms, hid her head in my bosom, sighed and then grew calm under my +caresses. She grew melancholy, she was consoled, and she asked of love +all that love had robbed her of. The sound of the river broke the +silence of night with a gentle murmur, which seemed in harmony with +the beating of our hearts. Such was the darkness of the place it was +scarcely possible to discern objects; but through the transparent +crepe of a fair summer's night, the queen of that lovely place seemed +to me adorable. + +"Oh!" she said to me with an angelic voice, "let us leave this +dangerous spot. Resistance here is beyond our strength." + +She drew me away and we left the pavilion with regret. + +"Ah! how happy is she!" cried Madame de T-----. + +"Whom do you mean?" I asked. + +"Did I speak?" said she with a look of alarm. + +And then we reached the grassy bank, and stopped there involuntarily. +"What a distance there is," she said to me, "between this place and +the pavilion!" + +"Yes indeed," said I. "But must this bank be always ominous? Is there +a regret? Is there--?" + +I do not know by what magic it took place; but at this point the +conversation changed and became less serious. She ventured even to +speak playfully of the pleasures of love, to eliminate from them all +moral considerations, to reduce them to their simplest elements, and +to prove that the favors of lovers were mere pleasure, that there were +no pledges--philosophically speaking--excepting those which were given +to the world, when we allowed it to penetrate our secrets and joined +it in the acts of indiscretion. + +"How mild is the night," she said, "which we have by chance picked +out! Well, if there are reasons, as I suppose there are, which compel +us to part to-morrow, our happiness, ignored as it is by all nature, +will not leave us any ties to dissolve. There will, perhaps, be some +regrets, the pleasant memory of which will give us reparation; and +then there will be a mutual understanding, without all the delays, the +fuss and the tyranny of legal proceedings. We are such machines--and I +blush to avow it--that in place of all the shrinkings that tormented +me before this scene took place, I was half inclined to embrace the +boldness of these principles, and I felt already disposed to indulge +in the love of liberty. + +"This beautiful night," she continued, "this lovely scenery at this +moment have taken on fresh charms. O let us never forget this +pavilion! The chateau," she added smilingly, "contains a still more +charming place, but I dare not show you anything; you are like a +child, who wishes to touch everything and breaks everything that he +touches." + +Moved by a sentiment of curiosity I protested that I was a very good +child. She changed the subject. + +"This night," she said, "would be for me without a regret if I were +not vexed with myself for what I said to you about the countess. Not +that I wish to find fault with you. Novelty attracts me. You have +found me amiable, I should like to believe in your good faith. But the +dominion of habit takes a long time to break through and I have not +learned the secret of doing this--By the bye, what do you think of my +husband?" + +"Well, he is rather cross, but I suppose he could not be otherwise to +me." + +"Oh, that is true, but his way of life isn't pleasant, and he could +not see you here with indifference. He might be suspicious even of our +friendship." + +"Oh! he is so already." + +"Confess that he has cause. Therefore you must not prolong this visit; +he might take it amiss. As soon as any one arrives--" and she added +with a smile, "some one is going to arrive--you must go. You have to +keep up appearance, you know. Remember his manner when he left us +to-night." + +I was tempted to interpret this adventure as a trap, but as she +noticed the impression made by her words, she added: + +"Oh, he was very much gayer when he was superintending the arrangement +of the cabinet I told you about. That was before my marriage. This +passage leads to my apartment. Alas! it testifies to the cunning +artifices to which Monsieur de T----- has resorted in protecting his +love for me." + +"How pleasant it would be," I said to her, keenly excited by the +curiosity she had roused in me, "to take vengeance in this spot for +the insults which your charms have suffered, and to seek to make +restitution for the pleasures of which you have been robbed." + +She doubtless thought this remark in good taste, but she said: "You +promised to be good!" + + * * * * * + +I threw a veil over the follies which every age will pardon to youth, +on the ground of so many balked desires and bitter memories. In the +morning, scarcely raising her liquid eyes, Madame de T-----, fairer +than ever, said to me: + +"Now will you ever love the countess as much as you do me?" + +I was about to answer when her maid, her confidante, appeared saying: + +"You must go. It is broad daylight, eleven o'clock, and the chateau is +already awake." + +All had vanished like a dream! I found myself wandering through the +corridors before I had recovered my senses. How could I regain my +apartment, not knowing where it was? Any mistake might bring about an +exposure. I resolved on a morning walk. The coolness of the fresh air +gradually tranquilized my imagination and brought me back to the world +of reality; and now instead of a world of enchantment I saw myself in +my soul, and my thoughts were no longer disturbed but followed each +other in connected order; in fact, I breathed once more. I was, above +all things, anxious to learn what I was to her so lately left--I who +knew that she had been desperately in love with the Marquis de V-----. +Could she have broken with him? Had she taken me to be his successor, +or only to punish him? What a night! What an adventure! Yes, and what +a delightful woman! While I floated on the waves of these thoughts, I +heard a sound near at hand. I raised my eyes, I rubbed them, I could +not believe my senses. Can you guess who it was? The Marquis de +V-----! + +"You did not expect to see me so early, did you?" he said. "How has it +all gone off?" + +"Did you know that I was here?" I asked in utter amazement. + +"Oh, yes, I received word just as you left Paris. Have you played your +part well? Did not the husband think your visit ridiculous? Was he put +out? When are you going to take leave? You had better go, I have made +every provision for you. I have brought you a good carriage. It is at +your service. This is the way I requite you, my dear friend. You may +rely on me in the future, for a man is grateful for such services as +yours." + +These last words gave me the key to the whole mystery, and I saw how I +stood. + +"But why should you have come so soon?" I asked him; "it would have +been more prudent to have waited a few days." + +"I foresaw that; and it is only chance that has brought me here. I am +supposed to be on my way back from a neighboring country house. But +has not Madame de T----- taken you into her secret? I am surprised at +her want of confidence, after all you have done for us." + +"My dear friend," I replied, "she doubtless had her reasons. Perhaps I +did not play my part very well." + +"Has everything been very pleasant? Tell me the particulars; come, +tell me." + +"Now wait a moment. I did not know that this was to be a comedy; and +although Madame de T----- gave me a part in the play--" + +"It wasn't a very nice one." + +"Do not worry yourself; there are no bad parts for good actors." + +"I understand, you acquitted yourself well." + +"Admirably." + +"And Madame de T-----?" + +"Is adorable." + +"To think of being able to win such a woman!" said he, stopping short +in our walk, and looking triumphantly at me. "Oh, what pains I have +taken with her! And I have at last brought her to a point where she is +perhaps the only woman in Paris on whose fidelity a man may infallibly +count!" + +"You have succeeded--?" + +"Yes; in that lies my special talent. Her inconstancy was mere +frivolity, unrestrained imagination. It was necessary to change that +disposition of hers, but you have no idea of her attachment to me. But +really, is she not charming?" + +"I quite agree with you." + +"And yet /entre nous/ I recognize one fault in her. Nature in giving +her everything, has denied her that flame divine which puts the crown +on all other endowments; while she rouses in others the ardor of +passion, she feels none herself, she is a thing of marble." + +"I am compelled to believe you, for I have had no opportunity of +judging, but do you think that you know that woman as well as if you +were her husband? It is possible to be deceived. If I had not dined +yesterday with the veritable--I should take you--" + +"By the way, has he been good?" + +"Oh, I was received like a dog!" + +"I understand. Let us go in, let us look for Madame de T-----. She +must be up by this time." + +"But should we not out of decency begin with the husband?" I said to +him. + +"You are right. Let us go to your room, I wish to put on a little +powder. But tell me, did he really take you for her lover?" + +"You may judge by the way he receives me; but let us go at once to his +apartment." + +I wished to avoid having to lead him to an apartment whose whereabouts +I did not know; but by chance we found it. The door was open and there +I saw my /valet de chambre/ asleep on an armchair. A candle was going +out on a table beside him. He drowsily offered a night robe to the +marquis. I was on pins and needles; but the marquis was in a mood to +be easily deceived, took the man for a mere sleepy-head, and made a +joke of the matter. We passed on to the apartment of Monsieur de +T-----. There was no misunderstanding the reception which he accorded +me, and the welcome, the compliments which he addressed to the +marquis, whom he almost forced to stay. He wished to take him to +madame in order that she might insist on his staying. As for me, I +received no such invitation. I was reminded that my health was +delicate, the country was damp, fever was in the air, and I seemed so +depressed that the chateau would prove too gloomy for me. The marquis +offered me his chaise and I accepted it. The husband seemed delighted +and we were all satisfied. But I could not refuse myself the pleasure +of seeing Madame de T----- once more. My impatience was wonderful. My +friend conceived no suspicions from the late sleep of his mistress. + +"Isn't this fine?" he said to me as we followed Monsieur de T-----. +"He couldn't have spoken more kindly if she had dictated his words. He +is a fine fellow. I am not in the least annoyed by this +reconciliation; they will make a good home together, and you will +agree with me, that he could not have chosen a wife better able to do +the honors." + +"Certainly," I replied. + +"However pleasant the adventure has been," he went on with an air of +mystery, "you must be off! I will let Madame de T----- understand that +her secret will be well kept." + +"On that point, my friend, she perhaps counts more on me than on you; +for you see her sleep is not disturbed by the matter." + +"Oh! I quite agree that there is no one like you for putting a woman +to sleep." + +"Yes, and a husband too, and if necessary a lover, my dear friend." + +At last Monsieur de T----- was admitted to his wife's apartment, and +there we were all summoned. + +"I trembled," said Madame de T----- to me, "for fear you would go +before I awoke, and I thank you for saving me the annoyance which that +would have caused me." + +"Madame," I said, and she must have perceived the feeling that was in +my tones--"I come to say good-bye." + +She looked at me and at the marquis with an air of disquietude; but +the self-satisfied, knowing look of her lover reassured her. She +laughed in her sleeve with me as if she would console me as well as +she could, without lowering herself in my eyes. + +"He has played his part well," the marquis said to her in a low voice, +pointing to me, "and my gratitude--" + +"Let us drop the subject," interrupted Madame de T-----; "you may be +sure that I am well aware of all I owe him." + +At last Monsieur de T-----, with a sarcastic remark, dismissed me; my +friend threw the dust in his eyes by making fun of me; and I paid back +both of them by expressing my admiration for Madame de T-----, who +made fools of us all without forfeiting her dignity. I took myself +off; but Madame de T----- followed me, pretending to have a commission +to give me. + +"Adieu, monsieur!" she said, "I am indebted to you for the very great +pleasure you have given me; but I have paid you back with a beautiful +dream," and she looked at me with an expression of subtle meaning. +"But adieu, and forever! You have plucked a solitary flower, +blossoming in its loveliness, which no man--" + +She stopped and her thought evaporated in a sigh; but she checked the +rising flood of sensibility and smiled significantly. + +"The countess loves you," she said. "If I have robbed her of some +transports, I give you back to her less ignorant than before. Adieu! +Do not make mischief between my friend and me." + +She wrung my hand and left me. + + + +More than once the ladies who had mislaid their fans blushed as they +listened to the old gentleman, whose brilliant elocution won their +indulgence for certain details which we have suppressed, as too erotic +for the present age; nevertheless, we may believe that each lady +complimented him in private; for some time afterwards he gave to each +of them, as also to the masculine guests, a copy of this charming +story, twenty-five copies of which were printed by Pierre Didot. It is +from copy No. 24 that the author has transcribed this tale, hitherto +unpublished, and, strange to say, attributed to Dorat. It has the +merit of yielding important lessons for husbands, while at the same +time it gives the celibates a delightful picture of morals in the last +century. + + + + MEDITATION XXV. + + OF ALLIES. + +Of all the miseries that civil war can bring upon a country the +greatest lies in the appeal which one of the contestants always ends +by making to some foreign government. + +Unhappily we are compelled to confess that all women make this great +mistake, for the lover is only the first of their soldiers. It may be +a member of their family or at least a distant cousin. This +Meditation, then, is intended to answer the inquiry, what assistance +can each of the different powers which influence human life give to +your wife? or better than that, what artifices will she resort to to +arm them against you? + +Two beings united by marriage are subject to the laws of religion and +society; to those of private life, and, from considerations of health, +to those of medicine. We will therefore divide this important +Meditation into six paragraphs: + + + 1. OF RELIGIONS AND OF CONFESSION; CONSIDERED IN THEIR CONNECTION + WITH MARRIAGE. + 2. OF THE MOTHER-IN-LAW. + 3. OF BOARDING SCHOOL FRIENDS AND INTIMATE FRIENDS. + 4. OF THE LOVER'S ALLIES. + 5. OF THE MAID. + 6. OF THE DOCTOR. + + + 1. OF RELIGIONS AND OF CONFESSION; CONSIDERED IN THEIR + CONNECTION WITH MARRIAGE. + +La Bruyere has very wittily said, "It is too much for a husband to +have ranged against him both devotion and gallantry; a woman ought to +choose but one of them for her ally." + +The author thinks that La Bruyere is mistaken. + + + 2. OF THE MOTHER-IN-LAW. + +Up to the age of thirty the face of a woman is a book written in a +foreign tongue, which one may still translate in spite of all the +/feminisms/ of the idiom; but on passing her fortieth year a woman +becomes an insoluble riddle; and if any one can see through an old +woman, it is another old woman. + +Some diplomats have attempted on more than one occasion the diabolical +task of gaining over the dowagers who opposed their machinations; but +if they have ever succeeded it was only after making enormous +concessions to them; for diplomats are practiced people and we do not +think that you can employ their recipe in dealing with your mother-in- +law. She will be the first aid-de-camp of her daughter, for if the +mother did not take her daughter's side, it would be one of those +monstrous and unnatural exceptions, which unhappily for husbands are +extremely rare. + +When a man is so happy as to possess a mother-in-law who is well- +preserved, he may easily keep her in check for a certain time, +although he may not know any young celibate brave enough to assail +her. But generally husbands who have the slightest conjugal genius +will find a way of pitting their own mother against that of their +wife, and in that case they will naturally neutralize each other's +power. + +To be able to keep a mother-in-law in the country while he lives in +Paris, and vice versa, is a piece of good fortune which a husband too +rarely meets with. + +What of making mischief between the mother and the daughter?--That may +be possible; but in order to accomplish such an enterprise he must +have the metallic heart of Richelieu, who made a son and a mother +deadly enemies to each other. However, the jealousy of a husband who +forbids his wife to pray to male saints and wishes her to address only +female saints, would allow her liberty to see her mother. + +Many sons-in-law take an extreme course which settles everything, +which consists in living on bad terms with their mothers-in-law. This +unfriendliness would be very adroit policy, if it did not inevitably +result in drawing tighter the ties that unite mother and daughter. +These are about all the means which you have for resisting maternal +influence in your home. As for the services which your wife can claim +from her mother, they are immense; and the assistance which she may +derive from the neutrality of her mother is not less powerful. But on +this point everything passes out of the domain of science, for all is +veiled in secrecy. The reinforcements which a mother brings up in +support of a daughter are so varied in nature, they depend so much on +circumstances, that it would be folly to attempt even a nomenclature +for them. Yet you may write out among the most valuable precepts of +this conjugal gospel, the following maxims. + +A husband should never let his wife visit her mother unattended. + +A husband ought to study all the reasons why all the celibates under +forty who form her habitual society are so closely united by ties of +friendship to his mother-in-law; for, if a daughter rarely falls in +love with the lover of her mother, her mother has always a weak spot +for her daughter's lover. + + + 3. OF BOARDING SCHOOL FRIENDS AND INTIMATE FRIENDS. + +Louise de L-----, daughter of an officer killed at Wagram, had been +the object of Napoleon's special protection. She left Ecouen to marry +a commissary general, the Baron de V-----, who is very rich. + +Louise was eighteen and the baron forty. She was ordinary in face and +her complexion could not be called white, but she had a charming +figure, good eyes, a small foot, a pretty hand, good taste and +abundant intelligence. The baron, worn out by the fatigues of war and +still more by the excesses of a stormy youth, had one of those faces +upon which the Republic, the Directory, the Consulate and the Empire +seemed to have set their impress. + +He became so deeply in love with his wife, that he asked and obtained +from the Emperor a post at Paris, in order that he might be enabled to +watch over his treasure. He was as jealous as Count Almaviva, still +more from vanity than from love. The young orphan had married her +husband from necessity, and, flattered by the ascendancy she wielded +over a man much older than herself, waited upon his wishes and his +needs; but her delicacy was offended from the first days of their +marriage by the habits and ideas of a man whose manners were tinged +with republican license. He was a predestined. + +I do not know exactly how long the baron made his honeymoon last, nor +when war was declared in his household; but I believe it happened in +1816, at a very brilliant ball given by Monsieur D-----, a +commissariat officer, that the commissary general, who had been +promoted head of the department, admired the beautiful Madame B-----, +the wife of a banker, and looked at her much more amorously than a +married man should have allowed himself to do. + +At two o'clock in the morning it happened that the banker, tired of +waiting any longer, went home leaving his wife at the ball. + +"We are going to take you home to your house," said the baroness to +Madame B-----. "Monsieur de V-----, offer your arm to Emilie!" + +And now the baron is seated in his carriage next to a woman who, +during the whole evening, had been offered and had refused a thousand +attentions, and from whom he had hoped in vain to win a single look. +There she was, in all the lustre of her youth and beauty, displaying +the whitest shoulders and the most ravishing lines of beauty. Her +face, which still reflected the pleasures of the evening, seemed to +vie with the brilliancy of her satin gown; her eyes to rival the blaze +of her diamonds; and her skin to cope with the soft whiteness of the +marabouts which tied in her hair, set off the ebon tresses and the +ringlets dangling from her headdress. Her tender voice would stir the +chords of the most insensible hearts; in a word, so powerfully did she +wake up love in the human breast that Robert d'Abrissel himself would +perhaps have yielded to her. + +The baron glanced at his wife, who, overcome with fatigue, had sunk to +sleep in a corner of the carriage. He compared, in spite of himself, +the toilette of Louise and that of Emilie. Now on occasions of this +kind the presence of a wife is singularly calculated to sharpen the +unquenchable desires of a forbidden love. Moreover, the glances of the +baron, directed alternately to his wife and to her friend, were easy +to interpret, and Madame B----- interpreted them. + +"Poor Louise," she said, "she is overtired. Going out does not suit +her, her tastes are so simple. At Ecouen she was always reading--" + +"And you, what used you to do?" + +"I, sir? Oh, I thought about nothing but acting comely. It was my +passion!" + +"But why do you so rarely visit Madame de V-----? We have a country +house at Saint-Prix, where we could have a comedy acted, in a little +theatre which I have built there." + +"If I have not visited Madame de V-----, whose fault is it?" she +replied. "You are so jealous that you will not allow her either to +visit her friends or to receive them." + +"I jealous!" cried Monsieur de V-----, "after four years of marriage, +and after having had three children!" + +"Hush," said Emilie, striking the fingers of the baron with her fan, +"Louise is not asleep!" + +The carriage stopped, and the baron offered his hand to his wife's +fair friend and helped her to get out. + +"I hope," said Madame B-----, "that you will not prevent Louise from +coming to the ball which I am giving this week." + +The baron made her a respectful bow. + +This ball was a triumph of Madame B-----'s and the ruin of the husband +of Louise; for he became desperately enamored of Emilie, to whom he +would have sacrificed a hundred lawful wives. + +Some months after that evening on which the baron gained some hopes of +succeeding with his wife's friend, he found himself one morning at the +house of Madame B-----, when the maid came to announce the Baroness de +V-----. + +"Ah!" cried Emilie, "if Louise were to see you with me at such an hour +as this, she would be capable of compromising me. Go into that closet +and don't make the least noise." + +The husband, caught like a mouse in a trap, concealed himself in the +closet. + +"Good-day, my dear!" said the two women, kissing each other. + +"Why are you come so early?" asked Emilie. + +"Oh! my dear, cannot you guess? I came to have an understanding with +you!" + +"What, a duel?" + +"Precisely, my dear. I am not like you, not I! I love my husband and +am jealous of him. You! you are beautiful, charming, you have the +right to be a coquette, you can very well make fun of B-----, to whom +your virtue seems to be of little importance. But as you have plenty +of lovers in society, I beg you that you will leave me my husband. He +is always at your house, and he certainly would not come unless you +were the attraction." + +"What a very pretty jacket you have on." + +"Do you think so? My maid made it." + +"Then I shall get Anastasia to take a lesson from Flore--" + +"So, then, my dear, I count on your friendship to refrain from +bringing trouble in my house." + +"But, my child, I do not know how you can conceive that I should fall +in love with your husband; he is coarse and fat as a deputy of the +centre. He is short and ugly--Ah! I will allow that he is generous, +but that is all you can say for him, and this is a quality which is +all in all only to opera girls; so that you can understand, my dear, +that if I were choosing a lover, as you seem to suppose I am, I +wouldn't choose an old man like your baron. If I have given him any +hopes, if I have received him, it was certainly for the purpose of +amusing myself, and of giving you liberty; for I believed you had a +weakness for young Rostanges." + +"I?" exclaimed Louise, "God preserve me from it, my dear; he is the +most intolerable coxcomb in the world. No, I assure you, I love my +husband! You may laugh as you choose; it is true. I know it may seem +ridiculous, but consider, he has made my fortune, he is no miser, and +he is everything to me, for it has been my unhappy lot to be left an +orphan. Now even if I did not love him, I ought to try to preserve his +esteem. Have I a family who will some day give me shelter?" + +"Come, my darling, let us speak no more about it," said Emilie, +interrupting her friend, "for it tires me to death." + +After a few trifling remarks the baroness left. + +"How is this, monsieur?" cried Madame B-----, opening the door of the +closet where the baron was frozen with cold, for this incident took +place in winter; "how is this? Aren't you ashamed of yourself for not +adoring a little wife who is so interesting? Don't speak to me of +love; you may idolize me, as you say you do, for a certain time, but +you will never love me as you love Louise. I can see that in your +heart I shall never outweigh the interest inspired by a virtuous wife, +children, and a family circle. I should one day be deserted and become +the object of your bitter reflections. You would coldly say of me 'I +have had that woman!' That phrase I have heard pronounced by men with +the most insulting indifference. You see, monsieur, that I reason in +cold blood, and that I do not love you, because you never would be +able to love me." + +"What must I do then to convince you of my love?" cried the baron, +fixing his gaze on the young woman. + +She had never appeared to him so ravishingly beautiful as at that +moment, when her soft voice poured forth a torrent of words whose +sternness was belied by the grace of her gestures, by the pose of her +head and by her coquettish attitude. + +"Oh, when I see Louise in possession of a lover," she replied, "when I +know that I am taking nothing away from her, and that she has nothing +to regret in losing your affection; when I am quite sure that you love +her no longer, and have obtained certain proof of your indifference +towards her--Oh, then I may listen to you!--These words must seem +odious to you," she continued in an earnest voice; "and so indeed they +are, but do not think that they have been pronounced by me. I am the +rigorous mathematician who makes his deductions from a preliminary +proposition. You are married, and do you deliberately set about making +love to some one else? I should be mad to give any encouragement to a +man who cannot be mine eternally." + +"Demon!" exclaimed the husband. "Yes, you are a demon, and not a +woman!" + +"Come now, you are really amusing!" said the young woman as she seized +the bell-rope. + +"Oh! no, Emilie," continued the lover of forty, in a calmer voice. "Do +not ring; stop, forgive me! I will sacrifice everything for you." + +"But I do not promise you anything!" she answered quickly with a +laugh. + +"My God! How you make me suffer!" he exclaimed. + +"Well, and have not you in your life caused the unhappiness of more +than one person?" she asked. "Remember all the tears which have been +shed through you and for you! Oh, your passion does not inspire me +with the least pity. If you do not wish to make me laugh, make me +share your feelings." + +"Adieu, madame, there is a certain clemency in your sternness. I +appreciate the lesson you have taught me. Yes, I have many faults to +expiate." + +"Well then, go and repent of them," she said with a mocking smile; "in +making Louise happy you will perform the rudest penance in your +power." + +They parted. But the love of the baron was too violent to allow of +Madame B-----'s harshness failing to accomplish her end, namely, the +separation of the married couple. + +At the end of some months the Baron de V----- and his wife lived +apart, though they lived in the same mansion. The baroness was the +object of universal pity, for in public she always did justice to her +husband and her resignation seemed wonderful. The most prudish women +of society found nothing to blame in the friendship which united +Louise to the young Rostanges. And all was laid to the charge of +Monsieur de V-----'s folly. + +When this last had made all the sacrifices that a man could make for +Madame B-----, his perfidious mistress started for the waters of Mount +Dore, for Switzerland and for Italy, on the pretext of seeking the +restoration of her health. + +The baron died of inflammation of the liver, being attended during his +sickness by the most touching ministrations which his wife could +lavish upon him; and judging from the grief which he manifested at +having deserted her, he seemed never to have suspected her +participation in the plan which had been his ruin. + +This anecdote, which we have chosen from a thousand others, +exemplifies the services which two women can render each other. + +From the words--"Let me have the pleasure of bringing my husband" up +to the conception of the drama, whose denouement was inflammation of +the liver, every female perfidy was assembled to work out the end. +Certain incidents will, of course, be met with which diversify more or +less the typical example which we have given, but the march of the +drama is almost always the same. Moreover a husband ought always to +distrust the woman friends of his wife. The subtle artifices of these +lying creatures rarely fail of their effect, for they are seconded by +two enemies, who always keep close to a man--and these are vanity and +desire. + + + 4. OF THE LOVER'S ALLIES. + +The man who hastens to tell another man that he has dropped a thousand +franc bill from his pocket-book, or even that the handkerchief is +coming out of his pocket, would think it a mean thing to warn him that +some one was carrying off his wife. There is certainly something +extremely odd in this moral inconsistency, but after all it admits of +explanation. Since the law cannot exercise any interference with +matrimonial rights, the citizens have even less right to constitute +themselves a conjugal police; and when one restores a thousand franc +bill to him who has lost it, he acts under a certain kind of +obligation, founded on the principle which says, "Do unto others as ye +would they should do unto you!" + +But by what reasoning can justification be found for the help which +one celibate never asks in vain, but always receives from another +celibate in deceiving a husband, and how shall we qualify the +rendering of such help? A man who is incapable of assisting a gendarme +in discovering an assassin, has no scruple in taking a husband to a +theatre, to a concert or even to a questionable house, in order to +help a comrade, whom he would not hesitate to kill in a duel +to-morrow, in keeping an assignation, the result of which is to +introduce into a family a spurious child, and to rob two brothers of a +portion of their fortune by giving them a co-heir whom they never +perhaps would otherwise have had; or to effect the misery of three +human beings. We must confess that integrity is a very rare virtue, +and, very often, the man that thinks he has most actually has least. +Families have been divided by feuds, and brothers have been murdered, +which events would never have taken place if some friend had refused +to perform what passes to the world as a harmless trick. + +It is impossible for a man to be without some hobby or other, and all +of us are devoted either to hunting, fishing, gambling, music, money, +or good eating. Well, your ruling passion will always be an accomplice +in the snare which a lover sets for you, the invisible hand of this +passion will direct your friends, or his, whether they consent or not, +to play a part in the little drama when they want to take you away +from home, or to induce you to leave your wife to the mercy of +another. A lover will spend two whole months, if necessary, in +planning the construction of the mouse-trap. + +I have seen the most cunning men on earth thus taken in. + +There was a certain retired lawyer of Normandy. He lived in the little +town of B-----, where a regiment of the chasseurs of Cantal were +garrisoned. A fascinating officer of this regiment had fallen in love +with the wife of this pettifogger, and the regiment was leaving before +the two lovers had been able to enjoy the least privacy. It was the +fourth military man over whom the lawyer had triumphed. As he left the +dinner-table one evening, about six o'clock, the husband took a walk +on the terrace of his garden from which he could see the whole country +side. The officers arrived at this moment to take leave of him. +Suddenly the flame of a conflagration burst forth on the horizon. +"Heavens! La Daudiniere is on fire!" exclaimed the major. He was an +old simple-minded soldier, who had dined at home. Every one mounted +horse. The young wife smiled as she found herself alone, for her +lover, hidden in the coppice, had said to her, "It is a straw stack on +fire!" The flank of the husband was turned with all the more facility +in that a fine courser was provided for him by the captain, and with a +delicacy very rare in the cavalry, the lover actually sacrificed a few +moments of his happiness in order to catch up with the cavalcade, and +return in company with the husband. + +Marriage is a veritable duel, in which persistent watchfulness is +required in order to triumph over an adversary; for, if you are +unlucky enough to turn your head, the sword of the celibate will +pierce you through and through. + + + 5. OF THE MAID. + +The prettiest waiting-maid I have ever seen is that of Madame V----y, +a lady who to-day plays at Paris a brilliant part among the most +fashionable women, and passes for a wife who keeps on excellent terms +with her husband. Mademoiselle Celestine is a person whose points of +beauty are so numerous that, in order to describe her, it would be +necessary to translate the thirty verses which we are told form an +inscription in the seraglio of the Grand Turk and contain each of them +an excellent description of one of the thirty beauties of women. + +"You show a great deal of vanity in keeping near you such an +accomplished creature," said a lady to the mistress of the house. + +"Ah! my dear, some day perhaps you will find yourself jealous of me in +possessing Celestine." + +"She must be endowed with very rare qualities, I suppose? She perhaps +dresses you well?" + +"Oh, no, very badly!" + +"She sews well?" + +"She never touches her needle." + +"She is faithful?" + +"She is one of those whose fidelity costs more than the most cunning +dishonesty." + +"You astonish me, my dear; she is then your foster-sister?" + +"Not at all; she is positively good for nothing, but she is more +useful to me than any other member of my household. If she remains +with me ten years, I have promised her twenty thousand francs. It will +be money well earned, and I shall not forget to give it!" said the +young woman, nodding her head with a meaning gesture. + +At last the questioner of Madame V----y understood. + +When a woman has no friend of her own sex intimate enough to assist +her in proving false to marital love, her maid is a last resource +which seldom fails in bringing about the desired result. + +Oh! after ten years of marriage to find under his roof, and to see all +the time, a young girl of from sixteen to eighteen, fresh, dressed +with taste, the treasures of whose beauty seem to breathe defiance, +whose frank bearing is irresistibly attractive, whose downcast eyes +seem to fear you, whose timid glance tempts you, and for whom the +conjugal bed has no secrets, for she is at once a virgin and an +experienced woman! How can a man remain cold, like St. Anthony, before +such powerful sorcery, and have the courage to remain faithful to the +good principles represented by a scornful wife, whose face is always +stern, whose manners are always snappish, and who frequently refuses +to be caressed? What husband is stoical enough to resist such fires, +such frosts? There, where you see a new harvest of pleasure, the young +innocent sees an income, and your wife her liberty. It is a little +family compact, which is signed in the interest of good will. + +In this case, your wife acts with regard to marriage as young +fashionables do with regard to their country. If they are drawn for +the army, they buy a man to carry the musket, to die in their place +and to spare them the hardships of military life. + +In compromises of this sort there is not a single woman who does not +know how to put her husband in the wrong. I have noticed that, by a +supreme stroke of diplomacy, the majority of wives do not admit their +maids into the secret of the part which they give them to play. They +trust to nature, and assume an affected superiority over the lover and +his mistress. + +These secret perfidies of women explain to a great degree the odd +features of married life which are to be observed in the world; and I +have heard women discuss, with profound sagacity, the dangers which +are inherent in this terrible method of attack, and it is necessary to +know thoroughly both the husband and the creature to whom he is to be +abandoned, in order to make successful use of her. Many a woman, in +this connection, has been the victim of her own calculations. + +Moreover, the more impetuous and passionate a husband shows himself, +the less will a woman dare to employ this expedient; but a husband +caught in this snare will never have anything to say to his stern +better-half, when the maid, giving evidence of the fault she has +committed, is sent into the country with an infant and a dowry. + + + 6. OF THE DOCTOR. + +The doctor is one of the most potent auxiliaries of an honest woman, +when she wishes to acquire a friendly divorce from her husband. The +services that the doctor renders, most of the time without knowing it, +to a woman, are of such importance that there does not exist a single +house in France where the doctor is chosen by any one but the wife. + +All doctors know what great influence women have on their reputation; +thus we meet with few doctors who do not study to please the ladies. +When a man of talent has become celebrated it is true that he does not +lend himself to the crafty conspiracies which women hatch; but without +knowing it he becomes involved in them. + +I suppose that a husband taught by the adventures of his own youth +makes up his mind to pick out a doctor for his wife, from the first +days of his marriage. So long as his feminine adversary fails to +conceive the assistance that she may derive from this ally, she will +submit in silence; but later on, if all her allurements fail to win +over the man chosen by her husband, she will take a more favorable +opportunity to give her husband her confidence, in the following +remarkable manner. + +"I don't like the way in which the doctor feels my pulse!" + +And of course the doctor is dropped. + +Thus it happens that either a woman chooses her doctor, wins over the +man who has been imposed upon her, or procures his dismissal. But this +contest is very rare; the majority of young men who marry are +acquainted with none but beardless doctors whom they have no anxiety +to procure for their wives, and almost always the Esculapius of the +household is chosen by the feminine power. Thus it happens that some +fine morning the doctor, when he leaves the chamber of madame, who has +been in bed for a fortnight, is induced by her to say to you: + +"I do not say that the condition of madame presents any serious +symptoms; but this constant drowsiness, this general listlessness, and +her natural tendency to a spinal affection demand great care. Her +lymph is inspissated. She wants a change of air. She ought to be sent +either to the waters of Bareges or to the waters of Plombieres." + +"All right, doctor." + +You allow your wife to go to Plombieres; but she goes there because +Captain Charles is quartered in the Vosges. She returns in capital +health and the waters of Plombieres have done wonders for her. She has +written to you every day, she has lavished upon you from a distance +every possible caress. The danger of a spinal affection has utterly +disappeared. + +There is extant a little pamphlet, whose publication was prompted +doubtless by hate. It was published in Holland, and it contains some +very curious details of the manner in which Madame de Maintenon +entered into an understanding with Fagon, for the purposes of +controlling Louis XIV. Well, some morning your doctor will threaten +you, as Fagon threatened his master, with a fit of apoplexy, if you do +not diet yourself. This witty work of satire, doubtless the production +of some courtier, entitled "Madame de Saint Tron," has been +interpreted by the modern author who has become proverbial as "the +young doctor." But his delightful sketch is very much superior to the +work whose title I cite for the benefit of the book-lovers, and we +have great pleasure in acknowledging that the work of our clever +contemporary has prevented us, out of regard for the glory of the +seventeenth century, from publishing the fragment of the old pamphlet. + +Very frequently a doctor becomes duped by the judicious manoeuvres of +a young and delicate wife, and comes to you with the announcement: + +"Sir, I would not wish to alarm madame with regard to her condition; +but I will advise you, if you value her health, to keep her in perfect +tranquillity. The irritation at this moment seems to threaten the +chest, and we must gain control of it; there is need of rest for her, +perfect rest; the least agitation might change the seat of the malady. +At this crisis, the prospect of bearing a child would be fatal to +her." + +"But, doctor--" + +"Ah, yes! I know that!" + +He laughs and leaves the house. + +Like the rod of Moses, the doctor's mandate makes and unmakes +generations. The doctor will restore you to your marriage bed with the +same arguments that he used in debarring you. He treats your wife for +complaints which she has not, in order to cure her of those which she +has, and all the while you have no idea of it; for the scientific +jargon of doctors can only be compared to the layers in which they +envelop their pills. + +An honest woman in her chamber with the doctor is like a minister sure +of a majority; she has it in her power to make a horse, or a carriage, +according to her good pleasure and her taste; she will send you away +or receive you, as she likes. Sometimes she will pretend to be ill in +order to have a chamber separate from yours; sometimes she will +surround herself with all the paraphernalia of an invalid; she will +have an old woman for a nurse, regiments of vials and of bottles, and, +environed by these ramparts, will defy you by her invalid airs. She +will talk to you in such a depressing way of the electuaries and of +the soothing draughts which she has taken, of the agues which she has +had, of her plasters and cataplasms, that she will fill you with +disgust at these sickly details, if all the time these sham sufferings +are not intended to serve as engines by means of which, eventually, a +successful attack may be made on that singular abstraction known as +/your honor/. + +In this way your wife will be able to fortify herself at every point +of contact which you possess with the world, with society and with +life. Thus everything will take arms against you, and you will be +alone among all these enemies. But suppose that it is your +unprecedented privilege to possess a wife who is without religious +connections, without parents or intimate friends; that you have +penetration enough to see through all the tricks by which your wife's +lover tries to entrap you; that you still have sufficient love for +your fair enemy to resist all the Martons of the earth; that, in fact, +you have for your doctor a man who is so celebrated that he has no +time to listen to the maunderings of your wife; or that if your +Esculapius is madame's vassal, you demand a consultation, and an +incorruptible doctor intervenes every time the favorite doctor +prescribes a remedy that disquiets you; even in that case, your +prospects will scarcely be more brilliant. In fact, even if you do not +succumb to this invasion of allies, you must not forget that, so far, +your adversary has not, so to speak, struck the decisive blow. If you +hold out still longer, your wife, having flung round you thread upon +thread, as a spider spins his web, an invisible net, will resort to +the arms which nature has given her, which civilization has perfected, +and which will be treated of in the next Meditation. + + + + MEDITATION XXVI. + + OF DIFFERENT WEAPONS. + +A weapon is anything which is used for the purpose of wounding. From +this point of view, some sentiments prove to be the most cruel weapons +which man can employ against his fellow man. The genius of Schiller, +lucid as it was comprehensive, seems to have revealed all the +phenomena which certain ideas bring to light in the human organization +by their keen and penetrating action. A man may be put to death by a +thought. Such is the moral of those heartrending scenes, when in /The +Brigands/ the poet shows a young man, with the aid of certain ideas, +making such powerful assaults on the heart of an old man, that he ends +by causing the latter's death. The time is not far distant when +science will be able to observe the complicated mechanism of our +thoughts and to apprehend the transmission of our feelings. Some +developer of the occult sciences will prove that our intellectual +organization constitutes nothing more than a kind of interior man, who +projects himself with less violence than the exterior man, and that +the struggle which may take place between two such powers as these, +although invisible to our feeble eyes, is not a less mortal struggle +than that in which our external man compels us to engage. + +But these considerations belong to a different department of study +from that in which we are now engaged; these subjects we intend to +deal with in a future publication; some of our friends are already +acquainted with one of the most important,--that, namely, entitled +"THE PATHOLOGY OF SOCIAL LIFE, /or Meditations mathematical, physical, +chemical and transcendental on the manifestations of thought, taken +under all the forms which are produced by the state of society, +whether by living, marriage, conduct, veterinary medicine, or by +speech and action, etc./," in which all these great questions are +fully discussed. The aim of this brief metaphysical observation is +only to remind you that the higher classes of society reason too well +to admit of their being attacked by any other than intellectual arms. + +Although it is true that tender and delicate souls are found enveloped +in a body of metallic hardness, at the same time there are souls of +bronze enveloped in bodies so supple and capricious that their grace +attracts the friendship of others, and their beauty calls for a +caress. But if you flatter the exterior man with your hand, the /Homo +duplex/, the interior man, to use an expression of Buffon, immediately +rouses himself and rends you with his keen points of contact. + +This description of a special class of human creatures, which we hope +you will not run up against during your earthly journey, presents a +picture of what your wife may be to you. Every one of the sentiments +which nature has endowed your heart with, in their gentlest form, will +become a dagger in the hand of your wife. You will be stabbed every +moment, and you will necessarily succumb; for your love will flow like +blood from every wound. + +This is the last struggle, but for her it also means victory. + +In order to carry out the distinction which we think we have +established among three sorts of feminine temperament, we will divide +this Meditation into three parts, under the following titles: + + + 1. OF HEADACHES. + 2. OF NERVOUS AFFECTATIONS. + 3. OF MODESTY, IN ITS CONNECTION WITH MARRIAGE. + + + 1. OF HEADACHES. + +Women are constantly the dupes or the victims of excessive +sensibility; but we have already demonstrated that with the greater +number of them this delicacy of soul must needs, almost without their +knowing it, receive many rude blows, from the very fact of their +marriage. (See Meditations entitled /The Predestined/ and /Of the +Honeymoon/.) Most of the means of defence instinctively employed by +husbands are nothing but traps set for the liveliness of feminine +affections. + +Now the moment comes when the wife, during the Civil War, traces by a +single act of thought the history of her moral life, and is irritated +on perceiving the prodigious way in which you have taken advantage of +her sensibility. It is very rarely that women, moved either by an +innate feeling for revenge, which they themselves can never explain, +or by their instinct of domination, fail to discover that this quality +in their natural machinery, when brought into play against the man, is +inferior to no other instrument for obtaining ascendancy over him. + +With admirable cleverness, they proceed to find out what chords in the +hearts of their husbands are most easily touched; and when once they +discover this secret, they eagerly proceed to put it into practice; +then, like a child with a mechanical toy, whose spring excites their +curiosity, they go on employing it, carelessly calling into play the +movements of the instrument, and satisfied simply with their success +in doing so. If they kill you, they will mourn over you with the best +grace in the world, as the most virtuous, the most excellent, the most +sensible of men. + +In this way your wife will first arm herself with that generous +sentiment which leads us to respect those who are in pain. The man +most disposed to quarrel with a woman full of life and health becomes +helpless before a woman who is weak and feeble. If your wife has not +attained the end of her secret designs, by means of those various +methods already described, she will quickly seize this all-powerful +weapon. In virtue of this new strategic method, you will see the young +girl, so strong in life and beauty, whom you had wedded in her flower, +metamorphosing herself into a pale and sickly woman. + +Now headache is an affection which affords infinite resources to a +woman. This malady, which is the easiest of all to feign, for it is +destitute of any apparent symptom, merely obliges her to say: "I have +a headache." A woman trifles with you and there is no one in the world +who can contradict her skull, whose impenetrable bones defy touch or +ocular test. Moreover, headache is, in our opinion, the queen of +maladies, the pleasantest and the most terrible weapon employed by +wives against their husbands. There are some coarse and violent men +who have been taught the tricks of women by their mistresses, in the +happy hours of their celibacy, and so flatter themselves that they are +never to be caught by this vulgar trap. But all their efforts, all +their arguments end by being vanquished before the magic of these +words: "I have a headache." If a husband complains, or ventures on a +reproach, if he tries to resist the power of this /Il buondo cani/ of +marriage, he is lost. + +Imagine a young woman, voluptuously lying on a divan, her head softly +supported by a cushion, one hand hanging down; on a small table close +at hand is her glass of lime-water. Now place by her side a burly +husband. He has made five or six turns round the room; but each time +he has turned on his heels to begin his walk all over again, the +little invalid has made a slight movement of her eyebrows in a vain +attempt to remind him that the slightest noise fatigues her. At last +he musters all his courage and utters a protest against her pretended +malady, in the bold phrase: + +"And have you really a headache?" + +At these words the young woman slightly raises her languid head, lifts +an arm, which feebly falls back again upon her divan, raises her eyes +to the ceiling, raises all that she has power to raise; then darting +at you a leaden glance, she says in a voice of remarkable feebleness: + +"Oh! What can be the matter with me? I suffer the agonies of death! +And this is all the comfort you give me! Ah! you men, it is plainly +seen that nature has not given you the task of bringing children into +the world. What egoists and tyrants you are! You take us in all the +beauty of our youth, fresh, rosy, with tapering waist, and then all is +well! When your pleasures have ruined the blooming gifts which we +received from nature, you never forgive us for having forfeited them +to you! That was all understood. You will allow us to have neither the +virtues nor the sufferings of our condition. You must needs have +children, and we pass many nights in taking care of them. But child- +bearing has ruined our health, and left behind the germs of serious +maladies.--Oh, what pain I suffer! There are few women who are not +subject to headaches; but your wife must be an exception. You even +laugh at our sufferings; that is generosity!--please don't walk about +--I should not have expected this of you!--Stop the clock; the click +of the pendulum rings in my head. Thanks! Oh, what an unfortunate +creature I am! Have you a scent-bottle with you? Yes, oh! for pity's +sake, allow me to suffer in peace, and go away; for this scent splits +my head!" + +What can you say in reply? Do you not hear within you a voice which +cries, "And what if she is actually suffering?" Moreover, almost all +husbands evacuate the field of battle very quietly, while their wives +watch them from the corner of their eyes, marching off on tip-toe and +closing the door quietly on the chamber henceforth to be considered +sacred by them. + +Such is the headache, true or false, which is patronized at your home. +Then the headache begins to play a regular role in the bosom of your +family. It is a theme on which a woman can play many admirable +variations. She sets it forth in every key. With the aid of the +headache alone a wife can make a husband desperate. A headache seizes +madame when she chooses, where she chooses, and as much as she +chooses. There are headaches of five days, of ten minutes, periodic or +intermittent headaches. + +You sometimes find your wife in bed, in pain, helpless, and the blinds +of her room are closed. The headache has imposed silence on every one, +from the regions of the porter's lodge, where he is cutting wood, even +to the garret of your groom, from which he is throwing down innocent +bundles of straw. Believing in this headache, you leave the house, but +on your return you find that madame has decamped! Soon madame returns, +fresh and ruddy: + +"The doctor came," she says, "and advised me to take exercise, and I +find myself much better!" + +Another day you wish to enter madame's room. + +"Oh, sir," says the maid, showing the most profound astonishment, +"madame has her usual headache, and I have never seen her in such +pain! The doctor has been sent for." + +"You are a happy man," said Marshal Augereau to General R-----, "to +have such a pretty wife!" + +"To have!" replied the other. "If I have my wife ten days in the year, +that is about all. These confounded women have always either the +headache or some other thing!" + +The headache in France takes the place of the sandals, which, in +Spain, the Confessor leaves at the door of the chamber in which he is +with his penitent. + +If your wife, foreseeing some hostile intentions on your part, wishes +to make herself as inviolable as the charter, she immediately gets up +a little headache performance. She goes to bed in a most deliberate +fashion, she utters shrieks which rend the heart of the hearer. She +goes gracefully through a series of gesticulations so cleverly +executed that you might think her a professional contortionist. Now +what man is there so inconsiderate as to dare to speak to a suffering +woman about desires which, in him, prove the most perfect health? +Politeness alone demands of him perfect silence. A woman knows under +these circumstances that by means of this all-powerful headache, she +can at her will paste on her bed the placard which sends back home the +amateurs who have been allured by the announcement of the Comedie +Francaise, when they read the words: "Closed through the sudden +indisposition of Mademoiselle Mars." + +O headache, protectress of love, tariff of married life, buckler +against which all married desires expire! O mighty headache! Can it be +possible that lovers have never sung thy praises, personified thee, or +raised thee to the skies? O magic headache, O delusive headache, blest +be the brain that first invented thee! Shame on the doctor who shall +find out thy preventive! Yes, thou art the only ill that women bless, +doubtless through gratitude for the good things thou dispensest to +them, O deceitful headache! O magic headache! + + + 2. OF NERVOUS AFFECTATIONS. + +There is, however, a power which is superior even to that of the +headache; and we must avow to the glory of France, that this power is +one of the most recent which has been won by Parisian genius. As in +the case with all the most useful discoveries of art and science, no +one knows to whose intellect it is due. Only, it is certain that it +was towards the middle of the last century that "Vapors" made their +first appearance in France. Thus while Papin was applying the force of +vaporized water in mechanical problems, a French woman, whose name +unhappily is unknown, had the glory of endowing her sex with the +faculty of vaporizing their fluids. Very soon the prodigious influence +obtained by vapors was extended to the nerves; it was thus in passing +from fibre to fibre that the science of neurology was born. This +admirable science has since then led such men as Philips and other +clever physiologists to the discovery of the nervous fluid in its +circulation; they are now perhaps on the eve of identifying its +organs, and the secret of its origin and of its evaporation. And thus, +thanks to certain quackeries of this kind, we may be enabled some day +to penetrate the mysteries of that unknown power which we have already +called more than once in the present book, the /Will/. But do not let +us trespass on the territory of medical philosophy. Let us consider +the nerves and the vapors solely in their connection with marriage. + +Victims of Neurosis (a pathological term under which are comprised all +affections of the nervous system) suffer in two ways, as far as +married women are concerned; for our physiology has the loftiest +disdain for medical classifications. Thus we recognize only: + + + 1. CLASSIC NEUROSIS. + 2. ROMANTIC NEUROSIS. + + +The classic affection has something bellicose and excitable on it. +Those who thus suffer are as violent in their antics as pythonesses, +as frantic as /monads/, as excited as /bacchantes/; it is a revival of +antiquity, pure and simple. + +The romantic sufferers are mild and plaintive as the ballads sung amid +the mists of Scotland. They are pallid as young girls carried to their +bier by the dance or by love; they are eminently elegiac and they +breathe all the melancholy of the North. + +That woman with black hair, with piercing eye, with high color, with +dry lips and a powerful hand, will become excited and convulsive; she +represents the genius of classic neurosis; while a young blonde woman, +with white skin, is the genius of romantic neurosis; to one belongs +the empire gained by nerves, to the other the empire gained by vapors. + +Very frequently a husband, when he comes home, finds his wife in +tears. + +"What is the matter, my darling?" + +"It is nothing." + +"But you are in tears!" + +"I weep without knowing why. I am quite sad! I saw faces in the +clouds, and those faces never appear to me except on the eve of some +disaster--I think I must be going to die." + +Then she talks to you in a low voice of her dead father, of her dead +uncle, of her dead grandfather, of her dead cousin. She invokes all +these mournful shades, she feels as if she had all their sicknesses, +she is attacked with all the pains they felt, she feels her heart +palpitate with excessive violence, she feels her spleen swelling. You +say to yourself, with a self-satisfied air: + +"I know exactly what this is all about!" + +And then you try to soothe her; but you find her a woman who yawns +like an open box, who complains of her chest, who begins to weep anew, +who implores you to leave her to her melancholy and her mournful +memories. She talks to you about her last wishes, follows her own +funeral, is buried, plants over her tomb the green canopy of a weeping +willow, and at the very time when you would like to raise a joyful +epithalamium, you find an epitaph to greet you all in black. Your wish +to console her melts away in the cloud of Ixion. + +There are women of undoubted fidelity who in this way extort from +their feeling husbands cashmere shawls, diamonds, the payment of their +debts, or the rent of a box at the theatre; but almost always vapors +are employed as decisive weapons in Civil War. + +On the plea of her spinal affection or of her weak chest, a woman +takes pains to seek out some distraction or other; you see her +dressing herself in soft fabrics like an invalid with all the symptoms +of spleen; she never goes out because an intimate friend, her mother +or her sister, has tried to tear her away from that divan which +monopolizes her and on which she spends her life in improvising +elegies. Madame is going to spend a fortnight in the country because +the doctor orders it. In short, she goes where she likes and does what +she likes. Is it possible that there can be a husband so brutal as to +oppose such desires, by hindering a wife from going to seek a cure for +her cruel sufferings? For it has been established after many long +discussions that in the nerves originate the most fearful torture. + +But it is especially in bed that vapors play their part. There when a +woman has not a headache she has her vapors; and when she has neither +vapors nor headache, she is under the protection of the girdle of +Venus, which, as you know, is a myth. + +Among the women who fight with you the battle of vapors, are some more +blonde, more delicate, more full of feeling than others, and who +possess the gift of tears. How admirably do they know how to weep! +They weep when they like, as they like and as much as they like. They +organize a system of offensive warfare which consists of manifesting +sublime resignation, and they gain victories which are all the more +brilliant, inasmuch as they remain all the time in excellent health. + +Does a husband, irritated beyond all measure, at last express his +wishes to them? They regard him with an air of submission, bow their +heads and keep silence. This pantomime almost always puts a husband to +rout. In conjugal struggles of this kind, a man prefers a woman should +speak and defend herself, for then he may show elation or annoyance; +but as for these women, not a word. Their silence distresses you and +you experience a sort of remorse, like the murderer who, when he finds +his victim offers no resistance, trembles with redoubled fear. He +would prefer to slay him in self-defence. You return to the subject. +As you draw near, your wife wipes away her tears and hides her +handkerchief, so as to let you see that she has been weeping. You are +melted, you implore your little Caroline to speak, your sensibility +has been touched and you forget everything; then she sobs while she +speaks, and speaks while she sobs. This is a sort of machine +eloquence; she deafens you with her tears, with her words which come +jerked out in confusion; it is the clapper and torrent of a mill. + +French women and especially Parisians possess in a marvelous degree +the secret by which such scenes are enacted, and to these scenes their +voices, their sex, their toilet, their manner give a wonderful charm. +How often do the tears upon the cheeks of these adorable actresses +give way to a piquant smile, when they see their husbands hasten to +break the silk lace, the weak fastening of their corsets, or to +restore the comb which holds together the tresses of their hair and +the bunch of golden ringlets always on the point of falling down? + +But how all these tricks of modernity pale before the genius of +antiquity, before nervous attacks which are violent, before the +Pyrrhic dance of married life! Oh! how many hopes for a lover are +there in the vivacity of those convulsive movements, in the fire of +those glances, in the strength of those limbs, beautiful even in +contortion! It is then that a woman is carried away like an impetuous +wind, darts forth like the flames of a conflagration, exhibits a +movement like a billow which glides over the white pebbles. She is +overcome with excess of love, she sees the future, she is the seer who +prophesies, but above all, she sees the present moment and tramples on +her husband, and impresses him with a sort of terror. + +The sight of his wife flinging off vigorous men as if they were so +many feathers, is often enough to deter a man from ever striving to +wrong her. He will be like the child who, having pulled the trigger of +some terrific engine, has ever afterwards an incredible respect for +the smallest spring. I have known a man, gentle and amiable in his +ways, whose eyes were fixed upon those of his wife, exactly as if he +had been put into a lion's cage, and some one had said to him that he +must not irritate the beast, if he would escape with his life. + +Nervous attacks of this kind are very fatiguing and become every day +more rare. Romanticism, however, has maintained its ground. + +Sometimes, we meet with phlegmatic husbands, those men whose love is +long enduring, because they store up their emotions, whose genius gets +the upper hand of these headaches and nervous attacks; but these +sublime creatures are rare. Faithful disciples of the blessed St. +Thomas, who wished to put his finger into the wound, they are endowed +with an incredulity worthy of an atheist. Imperturbable in the midst +of all these fraudulent headaches and all these traps set by neurosis, +they concentrate their attention on the comedy which is being played +before them, they examine the actress, they search for one of the +springs that sets her going; and when they have discovered the +mechanism of this display, they arm themselves by giving a slight +impulse to the puppet-valve, and thus easily assure themselves either +of the reality of the disease or the artifices of these conjugal +mummeries. + +But if by study which is almost superhuman in its intensity a husband +escapes all the artifices which lawless and untamable love suggests to +women, he will beyond doubt be overcome by the employment of a +terrible weapon, the last which a woman would resort to, for she never +destroys with her own hands her empire over her husband without some +sort of repugnance. But this is a poisoned weapon as powerful as the +fatal knife of the executioner. This reflection brings us to the last +paragraph of the present Meditation. + + + 3. OF MODESTY, IN ITS CONNECTION WITH MARRIAGE. + +Before taking up the subject of modesty, it may perhaps be necessary +to inquire whether there is such a thing. Is it anything in a woman +but well understood coquetry? Is it anything but a sentiment that +claims the right, on a woman's part, to dispose of her own body as she +chooses, as one may well believe, when we consider that half the women +in the world go almost naked? Is it anything but a social chimera, as +Diderot supposed, reminding us that this sentiment always gives way +before sickness and before misery? + +Justice may be done to all these questions. + +An ingenious author has recently put forth the view that men are much +more modest than women. He supports this contention by a great mass of +surgical experiences; but, in order that his conclusions merit our +attention, it would be necessary that for a certain time men were +subjected to treatment by women surgeons. + +The opinion of Diderot is of still less weight. + +To deny the existence of modesty, because it disappears during those +crises in which almost all human sentiments are annihilated, is as +unreasonable as to deny that life exists because death sooner or later +comes. + +Let us grant, then, that one sex has as much modesty as the other, and +let us inquire in what modesty consists. + +Rousseau makes modesty the outcome of all those coquetries which +females display before males. This opinion appears to us equally +mistaken. + +The writers of the eighteenth century have doubtless rendered immense +services to society; but their philosophy, based as it is upon +sensualism, has never penetrated any deeper than the human epidermis. +They have only considered the exterior universe; and so they have +retarded, for some time, the moral development of man and the progress +of science which will always draw its first principles from the +Gospel, principles hereafter to be best understood by the fervent +disciples of the Son of Man. + +The study of thought's mysteries, the discovery of those organs which +belong to the human soul, the geometry of its forces, the phenomena of +its active power, the appreciation of the faculty by which we seem to +have an independent power of bodily movement, so as to transport +ourselves whither we will and to see without the aid of bodily organs, +--in a word the laws of thought's dynamic and those of its physical +influence,--these things will fall to the lot of the next century, as +their portion in the treasury of human sciences. And perhaps we, of +the present time, are merely occupied in quarrying the enormous blocks +which later on some mighty genius will employ in the building of a +glorious edifice. + +Thus the error of Rousseau is simply the error of his age. He explains +modesty by the relations of different human beings to each other +instead of explaining it by the moral relations of each one with +himself. Modesty is no more susceptible of analysis than conscience; +and this perhaps is another way of saying that modesty is the +conscience of the body; for while conscience directs our sentiments +and the least movement of our thoughts towards the good, modesty +presides over external movements. The actions which clash with our +interests and thus disobey the laws of conscience wound us more than +any other; and if they are repeated call forth our hatred. It is the +same with acts which violate modesty in their relations to love, which +is nothing but the expression of our whole sensibility. If extreme +modesty is one of the conditions on which the reality of marriage is +based, as we have tried to prove [See /Conjugal Catechism, Meditation +IV./], it is evident that immodesty will destroy it. But this +position, which would require long deductions for the acceptance of +the physiologist, women generally apply, as it were, mechanically; for +society, which exaggerates everything for the benefit of the exterior +man, develops this sentiment of women from childhood, and around it +are grouped almost every other sentiment. Moreover, the moment that +this boundless veil, which takes away the natural brutality from the +least gesture, is dragged down, woman disappears. Heart, mind, love, +grace, all are in ruins. In a situation where the virginal innocence +of a daughter of Tahiti is most brilliant, the European becomes +detestable. In this lies the last weapon which a wife seizes, in order +to escape from the sentiment which her husband still fosters towards +her. She is powerful because she had made herself loathsome; and this +woman, who would count it as the greatest misfortune that her lover +should be permitted to see the slightest mystery of her toilette, +is delighted to exhibit herself to her husband in the most +disadvantageous situation that can possibly be imagined. + +It is by means of this rigorous system that she will try to banish you +from the conjugal bed. Mrs. Shandy may be taken to mean us harm in +bidding the father of Tristram wind up the clock; so long as your wife +is not blamed for the pleasure she takes in interrupting you by the +most imperative questions. Where there formerly was movement and life +is now lethargy and death. An act of love becomes a transaction long +discussed and almost, as it were, settled by notarial seal. But we +have in another place shown that we never refuse to seize upon the +comic element in a matrimonial crisis, although here we may be +permitted to disdain the diversion which the muse of Verville and of +Marshall have found in the treachery of feminine manoeuvres, the +insulting audacity of their talk, amid the cold-blooded cynicism which +they exhibit in certain situations. It is too sad to laugh at, and too +funny to mourn over. When a woman resorts to such extreme measures, +worlds at once separate her from her husband. Nevertheless, there are +some women to whom Heaven has given the gift of being charming under +all circumstances, who know how to put a certain witty and comic grace +into these performances, and who have such smooth tongues, to use the +expression of Sully, that they obtain forgiveness for their caprices +and their mockeries, and never estrange the hearts of their husbands. + +What soul is so robust, what man so violently in love as to persist in +his passion, after ten years of marriage, in presence of a wife who +loves him no longer, who gives him proofs of this every moment, who +repulses him, who deliberately shows herself bitter, caustic, sickly +and capricious, and who will abjure her vows of elegance and +cleanliness, rather than not see her husband turn away from her; in +presence of a wife who will stake the success of her schemes upon the +horror caused by her indecency? + +All this, my dear sir, is so much more horrible because-- + + + XCII. + LOVERS IGNORE MODESTY. + + +We have now arrived at the last infernal circle in the Divine Comedy +of Marriage. We are at the very bottom of Hell. There is something +inexpressibly terrible in the situation of a married woman at the +moment when unlawful love turns her away from her duties as mother and +wife. As Diderot has very well put it, "infidelity in a woman is like +unbelief in a priest, the last extreme of human failure; for her it is +the greatest of social crimes, since it implies in her every other +crime besides, and indeed either a wife profanes her lawless love by +continuing to belong to her husband, or she breaks all the ties which +attach her to her family, by giving herself over altogether to her +lover. She ought to choose between the two courses, for her sole +possible excuse lies in the intensity of her love." + +She lives then between the claims of two obligations. It is a dilemma; +she will work either the unhappiness of her lover, if he is sincere in +his passion, or that of her husband, if she is still beloved by him. + +It is to this frightful dilemma of feminine life that all the strange +inconsistencies of women's conduct is to be attributed. In this lies +the origin of all their lies, all their perfidies; here is the secret +of all their mysteries. It is something to make one shudder. Moreover, +even as simply based upon cold-blooded calculations, the conduct of a +woman who accepts the unhappiness which attends virtue and scorns the +bliss which is bought by crime, is a hundred times more reasonable. +Nevertheless, almost all women will risk suffering in the future and +ages of anguish for the ecstasy of one half hour. If the human feeling +of self-preservation, if the fear of death does not check them, how +fruitless must be the laws which send them for two years to the +Madelonnettes? O sublime infamy! And when one comes to think that he +for whom these sacrifices are to be made is one of our brethren, a +gentleman to whom we would not trust our fortune, if we had one, a man +who buttons his coat just as all of us do, it is enough to make one +burst into a roar of laughter so loud, that starting from the +Luxembourg it would pass over the whole of Paris and startle an ass +browsing in the pasture at Montmartre. + +It will perhaps appear extraordinary that in speaking of marriage we +have touched upon so many subjects; but marriage is not only the whole +of human life, it is the whole of two human lives. Now just as the +addition of a figure to the drawing of a lottery multiplies the +chances a hundredfold, so one single life united to another life +multiplies by a startling progression the risks of human life, which +are in any case so manifold. + + + + MEDITATION XXVII. + + OF THE LAST SYMPTOMS. + +The author of this book has met in the world so many people possessed +by a fanatic passion for a knowledge of the mean time, for watches +with a second hand, and for exactness in the details of their +existence, that he has considered this Meditation too necessary for +the tranquillity of a great number of husbands, to be omitted. It +would have been cruel to leave men, who are possessed with the passion +for learning the hour of the day, without a compass whereby to +estimate the last variations in the matrimonial zodiac, and to +calculate the precise moment when the sign of the Minotaur appears on +the horizon. The knowledge of conjugal time would require a whole book +for its exposition, so fine and delicate are the observations required +by the task. The master admits that his extreme youth has not +permitted him as yet to note and verify more than a few symptoms; but +he feels a just pride, on his arrival at the end of his difficult +enterprise, from the consciousness that he is leaving to his +successors a new field of research; and that in a matter apparently so +trite, not only was there much to be said, but also very many points +are found remaining which may yet be brought into the clear light of +observation. He therefore presents here without order or connection +the rough outlines which he has so far been able to execute, in the +hope that later he may have leisure to co-ordinate them and to arrange +them in a complete system. If he has been so far kept back in the +accomplishment of a task of supreme national importance, he believes, +he may say, without incurring the charge of vanity, that he has here +indicated the natural division of those symptoms. They are necessarily +of two kinds: the unicorns and the bicorns. The unicorn Minotaur is +the least mischievous. The two culprits confine themselves to a +platonic love, in which their passion, at least, leaves no visible +traces among posterity; while the bicorn Minotaur is unhappiness with +all its fruits. + +We have marked with an asterisk the symptoms which seem to concern the +latter kind. + + + MINOTAURIC OBSERVATIONS. + + + I. + +*When, after remaining a long time aloof from her husband, a woman +makes overtures of a very marked character in order to attract his +love, she acts in accordance with the axiom of maritime law, which +says: /The flag protects the cargo/. + + + II. + +A woman is at a ball, one of her friends comes up to her and says: + +"Your husband has much wit." + +"You find it so?" + + + III. + +Your wife discovers that it is time to send your boy to a boarding +school, with whom, a little time ago, she was never going to part. + + + IV. + +*In Lord Abergavenny's suit for divorce, the /valet de chambre/ +deposed that "the countess had such a detestation of all that belonged +to my lord that he had very often seen her burning the scraps of paper +which he had touched in her room." + + + V. + +If an indolent woman becomes energetic, if a woman who formerly hated +study learns a foreign language; in short, every appearance of a +complete change in character is a decisive symptom. + + + VI. + +The woman who is happy in her affections does not go much into the +world. + + + VII. + +The woman who has a lover becomes very indulgent in judging others. + + + VIII. + +*A husband gives to his wife a hundred crowns a month for dress; and, +taking everything into account, she spends at least five hundred +francs without being a sou in debt; the husband is robbed every night +with a high hand by escalade, but without burglarious breaking in. + + + IX. + +*A married couple slept in the same bed; madame was always sick. Now +they sleep apart, she has no more headache, and her health becomes +more brilliant than ever; an alarming symptom! + + + X. + +A woman who was a sloven suddenly develops extreme nicety in her +attire. There is a Minotaur at hand! + + + XI. + +"Ah! my dear, I know no greater torment than not to be understood." + +"Yes, my dear, but when one is--" + +"Oh, that scarcely ever happens." + +"I agree with you that it very seldom does. Ah! it is great happiness, +but there are not two people in the world who are able to understand +you." + + + XII. + +*The day when a wife behaves nicely to her husband--all is over. + + + XIII. + +I asked her: "Where have you been, Jeanne?" + +"I have been to your friend's to get your plate that you left there." + +"Ah, indeed! everything is still mine," I said. The following year I +repeated the question under similar circumstances. + +"I have been to bring back our plate." + +"Well, well, part of the things are still mine," I said. But after +that, when I questioned her, she spoke very differently. + +"You wish to know everything, like great people, and you have only +three shirts. I went to get my plate from my friend's house, where I +had stopped." + +"I see," I said, "nothing is left me." + + + XIV. + +Do not trust a woman who talks of her virtue. + + + XV. + +Some one said to the Duchess of Chaulnes, whose life was despaired of: + +"The Duke of Chaulnes would like to see you once more." + +"Is he there?" + +"Yes." + +"Let him wait; he shall come in with the sacraments." This minotauric +anecdote has been published by Chamfort, but we quote it here as +typical. + + + XVI. + +*Some women try to persuade their husbands that they have duties to +perform towards certain persons. + +"I am sure that you ought to pay a visit to such and such a man. . . . +We cannot avoid asking such and such a man to dinner." + + + XVII. + +"Come, my son, hold yourself straight: try to acquire good manners! +Watch such and such a man! See how he walks! Notice the way in which +he dresses." + + + XVIII. + +When a woman utters the name of a man but twice a day, there is +perhaps some uncertainty about her feelings toward him--but if thrice? +--Oh! oh! + + + XIX. + +When a woman goes home with a man who is neither a lawyer nor a +minister, to the door of his apartment, she is very imprudent. + + + XX. + +It is a terrible day when a husband fails to explain to himself the +motive of some action of his wife. + + + XXI. + +*The woman who allows herself to be found out deserves her fate. + + + +What should be the conduct of a husband, when he recognizes a last +symptom which leaves no doubt as to the infidelity of his wife? There +are only two courses open; that of resignation or that of vengeance; +there is no third course. If vengeance is decided upon, it should be +complete. + +The husband who does not separate himself forever from his wife is a +veritable simpleton. If a wife and husband think themselves fit for +that union of friendship which exists between men, it is odious in the +husband to make his wife feel his superiority over her. + +Here are some anecdotes, most of them as yet unpublished, which +indicate pretty plainly, in my opinion, the different shades of +conduct to be observed by a husband in like case. + +M. de Roquemont slept once a month in the chamber of his wife, and he +used to say, as he went away: + +"I wash my hands of anything that may happen." + +There is something disgusting in that remark, and perhaps something +profound in its suggestion of conjugal policy. + +A diplomat, when he saw his wife's lover enter, left his study and, +going to his wife's chamber, said to the two: + +"I hope you will at least refrain from fighting." + +This was good humor. + +M. de Boufflers was asked what he would do if on returning after a +long absence he found his wife with child? + +"I would order my night dress and slippers to be taken to her room." + +This was magnanimity. + +"Madame, if this man ill treats you when you are alone, it is your own +fault; but I will not permit him to behave ill towards you in my +presence, for this is to fail in politeness in me." + +This was nobility. + +The sublime is reached in this connection when the square cap of the +judge is placed by the magistrate at the foot of the bed wherein the +two culprits are asleep. + +There are some fine ways of taking vengeance. Mirabeau has admirably +described in one of the books he wrote to make a living the mournful +resignation of that Italian lady who was condemned by her husband to +perish with him in the Maremma. + + + LAST AXIOMS. + + + XCIII. +It is no act of vengeance to surprise a wife and her lover and to kill + them locked in each other's arms; it is a great favor to them both. + + + XCIV. + A husband will be best avenged by his wife's lover. + + + + MEDITATION XXVIII. + + OF COMPENSATIONS. + +The marital catastrophe which a certain number of husbands cannot +avoid, almost always forms the closing scene of the drama. At that +point all around you is tranquil. Your resignation, if you are +resigned, has the power of awakening keen remorse in the soul of your +wife and of her lover; for their happiness teaches them the depth of +the wound they have inflicted upon you. You are, you may be sure, a +third element in all their pleasures. The principle of kindliness and +goodness which lies at the foundation of the human soul, is not so +easily repressed as people think; moreover the two people who are +causing you tortures are precisely those for whom you wish the most +good. + +In the conversations so sweetly familiar which link together the +pleasures of love, and form in some way to lovers the caresses of +thought, your wife often says to your rival: + +"Well, I assure you, Auguste, that in any case I should like to see my +poor husband happy; for at bottom he is good; if he were not my +husband, but were only my brother, there are so many things I would do +to please him! He loves me, and--his friendship is irksome to me." + +"Yes, he is a fine fellow!" + +Then you become an object of respect to the celibate, who would yield +to you all the indemnity possible for the wrong he has done you; but +he is repelled by the disdainful pride which gives a tone to your +whole conversation, and is stamped upon your face. + +So that actually, during the first moments of the Minotaur's arrival, +a man is like an actor who feels awkward in a theatre where he is not +accustomed to appear. It is very difficult to bear the affront with +dignity; but though generosity is rare, a model husband is sometimes +found to possess it. + +Eventually you are little by little won over by the charming way in +which your wife makes herself agreeable to you. Madame assumes a tone +of friendship which she never henceforth abandons. The pleasant +atmosphere of your home is one of the chief compensations which +renders the Minotaur less odious to a husband. But as it is natural to +man to habituate himself to the hardest conditions, in spite of the +sentiment of outraged nobility which nothing can change, you are +gradually induced by a fascination whose power is constantly around +you, to accept the little amenities of your position. + +Suppose that conjugal misfortune has fallen upon an epicure. He +naturally demands the consolations which suit his taste. His sense of +pleasure takes refuge in other gratifications, and forms other habits. +You shape your life in accordance with the enjoyment of other +sensations. + +One day, returning from your government office, after lingering for a +long time before the rich and tasteful book shop of Chevet, hovering +in suspense between the hundred francs of expense, and the joys of a +Strasbourg /pate de fois gras/, you are struck dumb on finding this +/pate/ proudly installed on the sideboard of your dining-room. Is this +the vision offered by some gastronomic mirage? In this doubting mood +you approach with firm step, for a /pate/ is a living creature, and +seem to neigh as you scent afar off the truffles whose perfumes escape +through the gilded enclosure. You stoop over it two distinct times; +all the nerve centres of your palate have a soul; you taste the +delights of a genuine feast, etc.; and during this ecstasy a feeling +of remorse seizes upon you, and you go to your wife's room. + +"Really, my dear girl, we have not means which warrant our buying +/pates/." + +"But it costs us nothing!" + +"Oh! ho!" + +"Yes, it is M. Achille's brother who sent it to him." + +You catch sight of M. Achille in a corner. The celibate greets you, he +is radiant on seeing that you have accepted the /pate/. You look at +your wife, who blushes; you stroke your beard a few times; and, as you +express no thanks, the two lovers divine your acceptance of the +compensation. + +A sudden change in the ministry takes place. A husband, who is +Councillor of State, trembles for fear of being wiped from the roll, +when the night before he had been made director-general; all the +ministers are opposed to him and he has turned Constitutionalist. +Foreseeing his disgrace he has betaken himself to Auteuil, in search +of consolation from an old friend who quotes Horace and Tibullus to +him. On returning home he sees the table laid as if to receive the +most influential men of the assembly. + +"In truth, madame," he says with acrimony as he enters his wife's +room, where she is finishing her toilette, "you seem to have lost your +habitual tact. This is a nice time to be giving dinner parties! Twenty +persons will soon learn--" + +"That you are director-general!" she cries, showing him a royal +despatch. + +He is thunderstruck. He takes the letter, he turns it now one way, now +another; he opens it. He sits down and spreads it out. + +"I well know," he says, "that justice would be rendered me under +whatever ministers I served." + +"Yes, my dear! But M. Villeplaine has answered for you with his life, +and his eminence the Cardinal de ----- of whom he is the--" + +"M. de Villeplaine?" + +This is such a munificent recompense, that the husband adds with the +smile of a director-general: + +"Why, deuce take it, my dear, this is your doing!" + +"Ah! don't thank me for it; Adolphe did it from personal attachment to +you." + +On a certain evening a poor husband was kept at home by a pouring +rain, or tired, perhaps, of going to spend his evening in play, at the +cafe, or in the world, and sick of all this he felt himself carried +away by an impulse to follow his wife to the conjugal chamber. There +he sank into an arm-chair and like any sultan awaited his coffee, as +if he would say: + +"Well, after all, she is my wife!" + +The fair siren herself prepares the favorite draught; she strains it +with special care, sweetens it, tastes it, and hands it to him; then, +with a smile, she ventures like a submissive odalisque to make a joke, +with a view to smoothing the wrinkles on the brow of her lord and +master. Up to that moment he had thought his wife stupid; but on +hearing a sally as witty as that which even you would cajole with, +madame, he raises his head in the way peculiar to dogs who are hunting +the hare. + +"Where the devil did she get that--but it's a random shot!" he says to +himself. + +From the pinnacle of his own greatness he makes a piquant repartee. +Madame retorts, the conversation becomes as lively as it is +interesting, and this husband, a very superior man, is quite +astonished to discover the wit of his wife, in other respects, an +accomplished woman; the right word occurs to her with wonderful +readiness; her tact and keenness enable her to meet an innuendo with +charming originality. She is no longer the same woman. She notices the +effect she produces upon her husband, and both to avenge herself for +his neglect and to win his admiration for the lover from whom she has +received, so to speak, the treasures of her intellect, she exerts +herself, and becomes actually dazzling. The husband, better able than +any one else to appreciate a species of compensation which may have +some influence on his future, is led to think that the passions of +women are really necessary to their mental culture. + +But how shall we treat those compensations which are most pleasing to +husbands? + +Between the moment when the last symptoms appear, and the epoch of +conjugal peace, which we will not stop to discuss, almost a dozen +years have elapsed. During this interval and before the married couple +sign the treaty which, by means of a sincere reconciliation of the +feminine subject with her lawful lord, consecrates their little +matrimonial restoration, in order to close in, as Louis XVIII said, +the gulf of revolutions, it is seldom that the honest woman has but +one lover. Anarchy has its inevitable phases. The stormy domination of +tribunes is supplanted by that of the sword and the pen, for few loves +are met with whose constancy outlives ten years. Therefore, since our +calculations prove that an honest woman has merely paid strictly her +physiological or diabolical dues by rendering but three men happy, it +is probable that she has set foot in more than one region of love. +Sometimes it may happen that in an interregnum of love too long +protracted, the wife, whether from whim, temptation or the desire of +novelty, undertakes to seduce her own husband. + +Imagine charming Mme. de T-----, the heroine of our Meditation of +/Strategy/, saying with a fascinating smile: + +"I never before found you so agreeable!" + +By flattery after flattery, she tempts, she rouses curiosity, she +soothes, she rouses in you the faintest spark of desire, she carries +you away with her, and makes you proud of yourself. Then the right of +indemnifications for her husband comes. On this occasion the wife +confounds the imagination of her husband. Like cosmopolitan travelers +she tells tales of all the countries which she had traversed. She +intersperses her conversation with words borrowed from several +languages. The passionate imagery of the Orient, the unique emphasis +of Spanish phraseology, all meet and jostle one another. She opens out +the treasures of her notebook with all the mysteries of coquetry, she +is delightful, you never saw her thus before! With that remarkable art +which women alone possess of making their own everything that has been +told them, she blends all shades and variations of character so as to +create a manner peculiarly her own. You received from the hands of +Hymen only one woman, awkward and innocent; the celibate returns you a +dozen of them. A joyful and rapturous husband sees his bed invaded by +the giddy and wanton courtesans, of whom we spoke in the Meditation on +/The First Symptoms/. These goddesses come in groups, they smile and +sport under the graceful muslin curtains of the nuptial bed. The +Phoenician girl flings to you her garlands, gently sways herself to +and fro; the Chalcidian woman overcomes you by the witchery of her +fine and snowy feet; the Unelmane comes and speaking the dialect of +fair Ionia reveals the treasures of happiness unknown before, and in +the study of which she makes you experience but a single sensation. + +Filled with regret at having disdained so many charms, and frequently +tired of finding too often as much perfidiousness in priestesses of +Venus as in honest women, the husband sometimes hurries on by his +gallantry the hour of reconciliation desired of worthy people. The +aftermath of bliss is gathered even with greater pleasure, perhaps, +than the first crop. The Minotaur took your gold, he makes restoration +in diamonds. And really now seems the time to state a fact of the +utmost importance. A man may have a wife without possessing her. Like +most husbands you had hitherto received nothing from yours, and the +powerful intervention of the celibate was needed to make your union +complete. How shall we give a name to this miracle, perhaps the only +one wrought upon a patient during his absence? Alas, my brothers, we +did not make Nature! + +But how many other compensations, not less precious, are there, by +which the noble and generous soul of the young celibate may many a +time purchase his pardon! I recollect witnessing one of the most +magnificent acts of reparation which a lover should perform toward the +husband he is minotaurizing. + +One warm evening in the summer of 1817, I saw entering one of the +rooms of Tortoni one of the two hundred young men whom we confidently +style our friends; he was in the full bloom of his modesty. A lovely +woman, dressed in perfect taste, and who had consented to enter one of +the cool parlors devoted to people of fashion, had stepped from an +elegant carriage which had stopped on the boulevard, and was +approaching on foot along the sidewalk. My young friend, the celibate, +then appeared and offered his arm to his queen, while the husband +followed holding by the hand two little boys, beautiful as cupids. The +two lovers, more nimble than the father of the family, reached in +advance of him one of the small rooms pointed out by the attendant. In +crossing the vestibule the husband knocked up against some dandy, who +claimed that he had been jostled. Then arose a quarrel, whose +seriousness was betrayed by the sharp tones of the altercation. The +moment the dandy was about to make a gesture unworthy of a self- +respecting man, the celibate intervened, seized the dandy by the arm, +caught him off his guard, overcame and threw him to the ground; it was +magnificent. He had done the very thing the aggressor was meditating, +as he exclaimed: + +"Monsieur!" + +This "Monsieur" was one of the finest things I have ever heard. It was +as if the young celibate had said: "This father of a family belongs to +me; as I have carried off his honor, it is mine to defend him. I know +my duty, I am his substitute and will fight for him." The young woman +behaved superbly! Pale, and bewildered, she took the arm of her +husband, who continued his objurgations; without a word she led him +away to the carriage, together with her children. She was one of those +women of the aristocracy, who also know how to retain their dignity +and self-control in the midst of violent emotions. + +"O Monsieur Adolphe!" cried the young lady as she saw her friend with +an air of gayety take his seat in the carriage. + +"It is nothing, madame, he is one of my friends; we have shaken +hands." + +Nevertheless, the next morning, the courageous celibate received a +sword thrust which nearly proved fatal, and confined him six months to +his bed. The attentions of the married couple were lavished upon him. +What numerous compensations do we see here! Some years afterwards, an +old uncle of the husband, whose opinions did not fit in with those of +the young friend of the house, and who nursed a grudge against him on +account of some political discussion, undertook to have him driven +from the house. The old fellow went so far as to tell his nephew to +choose between being his heir and sending away the presumptuous +celibate. It was then that the worthy stockbroker said to his uncle: + +"Ah, you must never think, uncle, that you will succeed in making me +ungrateful! But if I tell him to do so this young man will let himself +be killed for you. He has saved my credit, he would go through fire +and water for me, he has relieved me of my wife, he has brought me +clients, he has procured for me almost all the business in the Villele +loans--I owe my life to him, he is the father of my children; I can +never forget all this." + +In this case the compensations may be looked upon as complete; but +unfortunately there are compensations of all kinds. There are those +which must be considered negative, deluding, and those which are both +in one. + +I knew a husband of advanced years who was possessed by the demon of +gambling. Almost every evening his wife's lover came and played with +him. The celibate gave him a liberal share of the pleasures which come +from games of hazard, and knew how to lose to him a certain number of +francs every month; but madame used to give them to him, and the +compensation was a deluding one. + +You are a peer of France, and you have no offspring but daughters. +Your wife is brought to bed of a boy! The compensation is negative. + +The child who is to save your name from oblivion is like his mother. +The duchess persuades you that the child is yours. The negative +compensation becomes deluding. + +Here is one of the most charming compensations known. One morning the +Prince de Ligne meets his wife's lover and rushes up to him, laughing +wildly: + +"My friend," he says to him, "I cuckolded you, last night!" + +If some husbands attain to conjugal peace by quiet methods, and carry +so gracefully the imaginary ensigns of matrimonial pre-eminence, their +philosophy is doubtless based on the /comfortabilisme/ of accepting +certain compensations, a /comfortabilisme/ which indifferent men +cannot imagine. As years roll by the married couple reach the last +stage in that artificial existence to which their union has condemned +them. + + + + MEDITATION XXIX. + + OF CONJUGAL PEACE. + +My imagination has followed marriage through all the phases of its +fantastic life in so fraternal a spirit, that I seem to have grown old +with the house I made my home so early in life at the commencement of +this work. + +After experiencing in thought the ardor of man's first passion; and +outlining, in however imperfect a way, the principal incidents of +married life; after struggling against so many wives that did not +belong to me, exhausting myself in conflict with so many personages +called up from nothingness, and joining so many battles, I feel an +intellectual lassitude, which makes me see everything in life hang, as +it were, in mournful crape. I seem to have a catarrh, to look at +everything through green spectacles, I feel as if my hands trembled, +as if I must needs employ the second half of my existence and of my +book in apologizing for the follies of the first half. + +I see myself surrounded by tall children of whom I am not the father, +and seated beside a wife I never married. I think I can feel wrinkles +furrowing my brow. The fire before which I am placed crackles, as if +in derision, the room is ancient in its furniture; I shudder with +sudden fright as I lay my hand upon my heart, and ask myself: "Is +that, too, withered?" + +I am like an old attorney, unswayed by any sentiment whatever. I never +accept any statement unless it be confirmed, according to the poetic +maxim of Lord Byron, by the testimony of at least two false witnesses. +No face can delude me. I am melancholy and overcast with gloom. I know +the world and it has no more illusions for me. My closest friends have +proved traitors. My wife and myself exchange glances of profound +meaning and the slightest word either of us utters is a dagger which +pierces the heart of the other through and through. I stagnate in a +dreary calm. This then is the tranquillity of old age! The old man +possesses in himself the cemetery which shall soon possess him. He is +growing accustomed to the chill of the tomb. Man, according to +philosophers, dies in detail; at the same time he may be said even to +cheat death; for that which his withered hand has laid hold upon, can +it be called life? + +Oh, to die young and throbbing with life! 'Tis a destiny enviable +indeed! For is not this, as a delightful poet has said, "to take away +with one all one's illusions, to be buried like an Eastern king, with +all one's jewels and treasures, with all that makes the fortune of +humanity!" + +How many thank-offerings ought we to make to the kind and beneficent +spirit that breathes in all things here below! Indeed, the care which +nature takes to strip us piece by piece of our raiment, to unclothe +the soul by enfeebling gradually our hearing, sight, and sense of +touch, in making slower the circulation of our blood, and congealing +our humors so as to make us as insensible to the approach of death as +we were to the beginnings of life, this maternal care which she +lavishes on our frail tabernacle of clay, she also exhibits in regard +to the emotions of man, and to the double existence which is created +by conjugal love. She first sends us Confidence, which with extended +hand and open heart says to us: "Behold, I am thine forever!" +Lukewarmness follows, walking with languid tread, turning aside her +blonde face with a yawn, like a young widow obliged to listen to the +minister of state who is ready to sign for her a pension warrant. Then +Indifference comes; she stretches herself on the divan, taking no care +to draw down the skirts of her robe which Desire but now lifted so +chastely and so eagerly. She casts a glance upon the nuptial bed, with +modesty and without shamelessness; and, if she longs for anything, it +is for the green fruit that calls up again to life the dulled papillae +with which her blase palate is bestrewn. Finally the philosophical +Experience of Life presents herself, with careworn and disdainful +brow, pointing with her finger to the results, and not the causes of +life's incidents; to the tranquil victory, not to the tempestuous +combat. She reckons up the arrearages, with farmers, and calculates +the dowry of a child. She materializes everything. By a touch of her +wand, life becomes solid and springless; of yore, all was fluid, now +it is crystallized into rock. Delight no longer exists for our hearts, +it has received its sentence, 'twas but mere sensation, a passing +paroxysm. What the soul desires to-day is a condition of fixity; and +happiness alone is permanent, and consists in absolute tranquillity, +in the regularity with which eating and sleeping succeed each other, +and the sluggish organs perform their functions. + +"This is horrible!" I cried; "I am young and full of life! Perish all +the books in the world rather than my illusions should perish!" + +I left my laboratory and plunged into the whirl of Paris. As I saw the +fairest faces glide by before me, I felt that I was not old. The first +young woman who appeared before me, lovely in face and form and +dressed to perfection, with one glance of fire made all the sorcery +whose spells I had voluntarily submitted to vanish into thin air. +Scarcely had I walked three steps in the Tuileries gardens, the place +which I had chosen as my destination, before I saw the prototype of +the matrimonial situation which has last been described in this book. +Had I desired to characterize, to idealize, to personify marriage, as +I conceived it to be, it would have been impossible for the Creator +himself to have produced so complete a symbol of it as I then saw +before me. + +Imagine a woman of fifty, dressed in a jacket of reddish brown merino, +holding in her left hand a green cord, which was tied to the collar of +an English terrier, and with her right arm linked with that of a man +in knee-breeches and silk stockings, whose hat had its brim +whimsically turned up, while snow-white tufts of hair like pigeon +plumes rose at its sides. A slender queue, thin as a quill, tossed +about on the back of his sallow neck, which was thick, as far as it +could be seen above the turned down collar of a threadbare coat. This +couple assumed the stately tread of an ambassador; and the husband, +who was at least seventy, stopped complaisantly every time the terrier +began to gambol. I hastened to pass this living impersonation of my +Meditation, and was surprised to the last degree to recognize the +Marquis de T-----, friend of the Comte de Noce, who had owed me for a +long time the end of the interrupted story which I related in the +/Theory of the Bed/. [See Meditation XVII.] + +"I have the honor to present to you the Marquise de T-----," he said +to me. + +I made a low bow to a lady whose face was pale and wrinkled; her +forehead was surmounted by a toupee, whose flattened ringlets, ranged +around it, deceived no one, but only emphasized, instead of +concealing, the wrinkles by which it was deeply furrowed. The lady was +slightly roughed, and had the appearance of an old country actress. + +"I do not see, sir, what you can say against a marriage such as ours," +said the old man to me. + +"The laws of Rome forefend!" I cried, laughing. + +The marchioness gave me a look filled with inquietude as well as +disapprobation, which seemed to say, "Is it possible that at my age I +have become but a concubine?" + +We sat down upon a bench, in the gloomy clump of trees planted at the +corner of the high terrace which commands La Place Louis XV, on the +side of the Garde-Meuble. Autumn had already begun to strip the trees +of their foliage, and was scattering before our eyes the yellow leaves +of his garland; but the sun nevertheless filled the air with grateful +warmth. + +"Well, is your work finished?" asked the old man, in the unctuous +tones peculiar to men of the ancient aristocracy. + +And with these words he gave a sardonic smile, as if for commentary. + +"Very nearly, sir," I replied. "I have come to the philosophic +situation, which you appear to have reached, but I confess that I--" + +"You are searching for ideas?" he added--finishing for me a sentence, +which I confess I did not know how to end. + +"Well," he continued, "you may boldly assume, that on arriving at the +winter of his life, a man--a man who thinks, I mean--ends by denying +that love has any existence, in the wild form with which our illusions +invested it!" + +"What! would you deny the existence of love on the day after that of +marriage?" + +"In the first place, the day after would be the very reason; but my +marriage was a commercial speculation," replied he, stooping to speak +into my ear. "I have thereby purchased the care, the attention, the +services which I need; and I am certain to obtain all the +consideration my age demands; for I have willed all my property to my +nephew, and as my wife will be rich only during my life, you can +imagine how--" + +I turned on the old marquis a look so piercing that he wrung my hand +and said: "You seem to have a good heart, for nothing is certain in +this life--" + +"Well, you may be sure that I have arranged a pleasant surprise for +her in my will," he replied, gayly. + +"Come here, Joseph," cried the marchioness, approaching a servant who +carried an overcoat lined with silk. "The marquis is probably feeling +the cold." + +The old marquis put on his overcoat, buttoned it up, and taking my +arm, led me to the sunny side of the terrace. + +"In your work," he continued, "you have doubtless spoken of the love +of a young man. Well, if you wish to act up to the scope which you +give to your work--in the word ec--elec--" + +"Eclectic," I said, smiling, seeing he could not remember this +philosophic term. + +"I know the word well!" he replied. "If then you wish to keep your vow +of eclecticism, you should be willing to express certain virile ideas +on the subject of love which I will communicate to you, and I will not +grudge you the benefit of them, if benefit there be; I wish to +bequeath my property to you, but this will be all that you will get of +it." + +"There is no money fortune which is worth as much as a fortune of +ideas if they be valuable ideas! I shall, therefore, listen to you +with a grateful mind." + +"There is no such thing as love," pursued the old man, fixing his gaze +upon me. "It is not even a sentiment, it is an unhappy necessity, +which is midway between the needs of the body and those of the soul. +But siding for a moment with your youthful thoughts, let us try to +reason upon this social malady. I suppose that you can only conceive +of love as either a need or a sentiment." + +I made a sign of assent. + +"Considered as a need," said the old man, "love makes itself felt last +of all our needs, and is the first to cease. We are inclined to love +in our twentieth year, to speak in round numbers, and we cease to do +so at fifty. During these thirty years, how often would the need be +felt, if it were not for the provocation of city manners, and the +modern custom of living in the presence of not one woman, but of women +in general? What is our debt to the perpetuation of the race? It +probably consists in producing as many children as we have breasts--so +that if one dies the other may live. If these two children were always +faithfully produced, what would become of nations? Thirty millions of +people would constitute a population too great for France, for the +soil is not sufficient to guarantee more than ten millions against +misery and hunger. Remember that China is reduced to the expedient of +throwing its children into the water, according to the accounts of +travelers. Now this production of two children is really the whole of +marriage. The superfluous pleasures of marriage are not only +profligate, but involve an immense loss to the man, as I will now +demonstrate. Compare then with this poverty of result, and shortness +of duration, the daily and perpetual urgency of other needs of our +existence. Nature reminds us every hour of our real needs; and, on the +other hand, refuses absolutely to grant the excess which our +imagination sometimes craves in love. It is, therefore, the last of +our needs, and the only one which may be forgotten without causing any +disturbance in the economy of the body. Love is a social luxury like +lace and diamonds. But if we analyze it as a sentiment, we find two +distinct elements in it; namely, pleasure and passion. Now analyze +pleasure. Human affections rest upon two foundations, attraction and +repulsion. Attraction is a universal feeling for those things which +flatter our instinct of self-preservation; repulsion is the exercise +of the same instinct when it tells us that something is near which +threatens it with injury. Everything which profoundly moves our +organization gives us a deeper sense of our existence; such a thing is +pleasure. It is contracted of desire, of effort, and the joy of +possessing something or other. Pleasure is a unique element in life, +and our passions are nothing but modifications, more or less keen, of +pleasure; moreover, familiarity with one pleasure almost always +precludes the enjoyment of all others. Now, love is the least keen and +the least durable of our pleasures. In what would you say the pleasure +of love consists? Does it lie in the beauty of the beloved? In one +evening you may obtain for money the loveliest odalisques; but at the +end of a month you will in this way have burnt out all your sentiment +for all time. Would you love a women because she is well dressed, +elegant, rich, keeps a carriage, has commercial credit? Do not call +this love, for it is vanity, avarice, egotism. Do you love her because +she is intellectual? You are in that case merely obeying the dictates +of literary sentiment." + +"But," I said, "love only reveals its pleasures to those who mingle in +one their thoughts, their fortunes, their sentiments, their souls, +their lives--" + +"Oh dear, dear!" cried the old man, in a jeering tone. "Can you show +me five men in any nation who have sacrificed anything for a woman? I +do not say their life, for that is a slight thing,--the price of a +human life under Napoleon was never more than twenty thousand francs; +and there are in France to-day two hundred and fifty thousand brave +men who would give theirs for two inches of red ribbon; while seven +men have sacrificed for a woman ten millions on which they might have +slept in solitude for a whole night. Dubreuil and Phmeja are still +rarer than is the love of Dupris and Bolingbroke. These sentiments +proceed from an unknown cause. But you have brought me thus to +consider love as a passion. Yes, indeed, it is the last of them all +and the most contemptible. It promises everything, and fulfils +nothing. It comes, like love, as a need, the last, and dies away the +first. Ah, talk to me of revenge, hatred, avarice, of gaming, of +ambition, of fanaticism. These passions have something virile in them; +these sentiments are imperishable; they make sacrifices every day, +such as love only makes by fits and starts. But," he went on, "suppose +you abjure love. At first there will be no disquietudes, no anxieties, +no worry, none of those little vexations that waste human life. A man +lives happy and tranquil; in his social relations he becomes +infinitely more powerful and influential. This divorce from the thing +called love is the primary secret of power in all men who control +large bodies of men; but this is a mere trifle. Ah! if you knew with +what magic influence a man is endowed, what wealth of intellectual +force, what longevity in physical strength he enjoys, when detaching +himself from every species of human passion he spends all his energy +to the profit of his soul! If you could enjoy for two minutes the +riches which God dispenses to the enlightened men who consider love as +merely a passing need which it is sufficient to satisfy for six months +in their twentieth year; to the men who, scorning the luxurious and +surfeiting beefsteaks of Normandy, feed on the roots which God has +given in abundance, and take their repose on a bed of withered leaves, +like the recluses of the Thebaid!--ah! you would not keep on three +seconds the wool of fifteen merinos which covers you; you would fling +away your childish switch, and go to live in the heaven of heavens! +There you would find the love you sought in vain amid the swine of +earth; there you would hear a concert of somewhat different melody +from that of M. Rossini, voices more faultless than that of Malibran. +But I am speaking as a blind man might, and repeating hearsays. If I +had not visited Germany about the year 1791, I should know nothing of +all this. Yes!--man has a vocation for the infinite. There dwells +within him an instinct that calls him to God. God is all, gives all, +brings oblivion on all, and thought is the thread which he has given +us as a clue to communication with himself!" + +He suddenly stopped, and fixed his eyes upon the heavens. + +"The poor fellow has lost his wits!" I thought to myself. + +"Sir," I said to him, "it would be pushing my devotion to eclectic +philosophy too far to insert your ideas in my book; they would destroy +it. Everything in it is based on love, platonic and sensual. God +forbid that I should end my book by such social blasphemies! I would +rather try to return by some pantagruelian subtlety to my herd of +celibates and honest women, with many an attempt to discover some +social utility in their passions and follies. Oh! if conjugal peace +leads us to arguments so disillusionizing and so gloomy as these, I +know a great many husbands who would prefer war to peace." + +"At any rate, young man," the old marquis cried, "I shall never have +to reproach myself with refusing to give true directions to a traveler +who had lost his way." + +"Adieu, thou old carcase!" I said to myself; "adieu, thou walking +marriage! Adieu, thou stick of a burnt-out fire-work! Adieu, thou +machine! Although I have given thee from time to time some glimpses of +people dear to me, old family portraits,--back with you to the picture +dealer's shop, to Madame de T-----, and all the rest of them; take +your place round the bier with undertaker's mutes, for all I care!" + + + + MEDITATION XXX. + + CONCLUSION. + +A recluse, who was credited with the gift of second sight, having +commanded the children of Israel to follow him to a mountain top in +order to hear the revelation of certain mysteries, saw that he was +accompanied by a crowd which took up so much room on the road that, +prophet as he was, his /amour-propre/ was vastly tickled. + +But as the mountain was a considerable distance off, it happened that +at the first halt, an artisan remembered that he had to deliver a new +pair of slippers to a duke and peer, a publican fell to thinking how +he had some specie to negotiate, and off they went. + +A little further on two lovers lingered under the olive trees and +forgot the discourse of the prophet; for they thought that the +promised land was the spot where they stood, and the divine word was +heard when they talked to one another. + +The fat people, loaded with punches a la Sancho, had been wiping their +foreheads with their handkerchiefs, for the last quarter of an hour, +and began to grow thirsty, and therefore halted beside a clear spring. + +Certain retired soldiers complained of the corns which tortured them, +and spoke of Austerlitz, and of their tight boots. + +At the second halt, certain men of the world whispered together: + +"But this prophet is a fool." + +"Have you ever heard him?" + +"I? I came from sheer curiosity." + +"And I because I saw the fellow had a large following." (The last man +who spoke was a fashionable.) + +"He is a mere charlatan." + +The prophet kept marching on. But when he reached the plateau, from +which a wide horizon spread before him, he turned back, and saw no one +but a poor Israelite, to whom he might have said as the Prince de +Ligne to the wretched little bandy-legged drummer boy, whom he found +on the spot where he expected to see a whole garrison awaiting him: +"Well, my readers, it seems that you have dwindled down to one." + +Thou man of God who has followed me so far--I hope that a short +recapitulation will not terrify thee, and I have traveled on under the +impression that thou, like me, hast kept saying to thyself, "Where the +deuce are we going?" + +Well, well, this is the place and the time to ask you, respected +reader, what your opinion is with regard to the renewal of the tobacco +monopoly, and what you think of the exorbitant taxes on wines, on the +right to carry firearms, on gaming, on lotteries, on playing cards, on +brandy, on soap, cotton, silks, etc. + +"I think that since all these duties make up one-third of the public +revenues, we should be seriously embarrassed if--" + +So that, my excellent model husband, if no one got drunk, or gambled, +or smoked, or hunted, in a word if we had neither vices, passions, nor +maladies in France, the State would be within an ace of bankruptcy; +for it seems that the capital of our national income consists of +popular corruptions, as our commerce is kept alive by national luxury. +If you cared to look a little closer into the matter you would see +that all taxes are based upon some moral malady. As a matter of fact, +if we continue this philosophical scrutiny it will appear that the +gendarmes would want horses and leather breeches, if every one kept +the peace, and if there were neither foes nor idle people in the +world. Therefore impose virtue on mankind! Well, I consider that there +are more parallels than people think between my honest woman and the +budget, and I will undertake to prove this by a short essay on +statistics, if you will permit me to finish my book on the same lines +as those on which I have begun it. Will you grant that a lover must +put on more clean shirts than are worn by either a husband, or a +celibate unattached? This to me seems beyond doubt. The difference +between a husband and a lover is seen even in the appearance of their +toilette. The one is careless, he is unshaved, and the other never +appears excepting in full dress. Sterne has pleasantly remarked that +the account book of the laundress was the most authentic record he +knew, as to the life of Tristram Shandy; and that it was easy to guess +from the number of shirts he wore what passages of his book had cost +him most. Well, with regard to lovers the account book of their +laundresses is the most faithful historic record as well as the most +impartial account of their various amours. And really a prodigious +quantity of tippets, cravats, dresses, which are absolutely necessary +to coquetry, is consumed in the course of an amour. A wonderful +prestige is gained by white stockings, the lustre of a collar, or a +shirt-waist, the artistically arranged folds of a man's shirt, or the +taste of his necktie or his collar. This will explain the passages in +which I said of the honest woman [Meditation II], "She spends her life +in having her dresses starched." I have sought information on this +point from a lady in order to learn accurately at what sum was to be +estimated the tax thus imposed by love, and after fixing it at one +hundred francs per annum for a woman, I recollect what she said with +great good humor: "It depends on the character of the man, for some +are so much more particular than others." Nevertheless, after a very +profound discussion, in which I settled upon the sum for the +celibates, and she for her sex, it was agreed that, one thing with +another, since the two lovers belong to the social sphere which this +work concerns, they ought to spend between them, in the matter +referred to, one hundred and fifty francs more than in time of peace. + +By a like treaty, friendly in character and long discussed, we +arranged that there should be a collective difference of four hundred +francs between the expenditure for all parts of the dress on a war +footing, and for that on a peace footing. This provision was +considered very paltry by all the powers, masculine or feminine, whom +we consulted. The light thrown upon these delicate matters by the +contributions of certain persons suggested to us the idea of gathering +together certain savants at a dinner party, and taking their wise +counsels for our guidance in these important investigations. The +gathering took place. It was with glass in hand and after listening to +many brilliant speeches that I received for the following chapters on +the budget of love, a sort of legislative sanction. The sum of one +hundred francs was allowed for porters and carriages. Fifty crowns +seemed very reasonable for the little patties that people eat on a +walk, for bouquets of violets and theatre tickets. The sum of two +hundred francs was considered necessary for the extra expense of +dainties and dinners at restaurants. It was during this discussion +that a young cavalryman, who had been made almost tipsy by the +champagne, was called to order for comparing lovers to distilling +machines. But the chapter that gave occasion for the most violent +discussion, and the consideration of which was adjourned for several +weeks, when a report was made, was that concerning presents. At the +last session, the refined Madame de D----- was the first speaker; and +in a graceful address, which testified to the nobility of her +sentiments, she set out to demonstrate that most of the time the gifts +of love had no intrinsic value. The author replied that all lovers had +their portraits taken. A lady objected that a portrait was invested +capital, and care should always be taken to recover it for a second +investment. But suddenly a gentleman of Provence rose to deliver a +philippic against women. He spoke of the greediness which most women +in love exhibited for furs, satins, silks, jewels and furniture; but a +lady interrupted him by asking if Madame d'O-----y, his intimate +friend, had not already paid his debts twice over. + +"You are mistaken, madame," said the Provencal, "it was her husband." + +"The speaker is called to order," cried the president, "and condemned +to dine the whole party, for having used the word /husband/." + +The Provencal was completely refuted by a lady who undertook to prove +that women show much more self-sacrifice in love than men; that lovers +cost very dear, and that the honest woman may consider herself very +fortunate if she gets off with spending on them two thousand francs +for a single year. The discussion was in danger of degenerating into +an exchange of personalities, when a division was called for. The +conclusions of the committee were adopted by vote. The conclusions +were, in substance, that the amount for presents between lovers during +the year should be reckoned at five hundred francs, but that in this +computation should be included: (1) the expense of expeditions into +the country; (2) the pharmaceutical expenses, occasioned by the colds +caught from walking in the damp pathways of parks, and in leaving the +theatre, which expenses are veritable presents; (3) the carrying of +letters, and law expenses; (4) journeys, and expenses whose items are +forgotten, without counting the follies committed by the spenders; +inasmuch as, according to the investigations of the committee, it had +been proved that most of a man's extravagant expenditure profited the +opera girls, rather than the married women. The conclusion arrived at +from this pecuniary calculation was that, in one way or another, a +passion costs nearly fifteen hundred francs a year, which were +required to meet the expense borne more unequally by lovers, but which +would not have occurred, but for their attachment. There was also a +sort of unanimity in the opinion of the council that this was the +lowest annual figure which would cover the cost of a passion. Now, my +dear sir, since we have proved, by the statistics of our conjugal +calculations [See Meditations I, II, and III.] and proved +irrefragably, that there exists a floating total of at least fifteen +hundred thousand unlawful passions, it follows: + +That the criminal conversations of a third among the French population +contribute a sum of nearly three thousand millions to that vast +circulation of money, the true blood of society, of which the budget +is the heart; + +That the honest woman not only gives life to the children of the +peerage, but also to its financial funds; + +That manufacturers owe their prosperity to this /systolic/ movement; + +That the honest woman is a being essentially /budgetative/, and active +as a consumer; + +That the least decline in public love would involve incalculable +miseries to the treasury, and to men of invested fortunes; + +That a husband has at least a third of his fortune invested in the +inconstancy of his wife, etc. + +I am well aware that you are going to open your mouth and talk to me +about manners, politics, good and evil. But, my dear victim of the +Minotaur, is not happiness the object which all societies should set +before them? Is it not this axiom that makes these wretched kings give +themselves so much trouble about their people? Well, the honest woman +has not, like them, thrones, gendarmes and tribunals; she has only a +bed to offer; but if our four hundred thousand women can, by this +ingenious machine, make a million celibates happy, do not they attain +in a mysterious manner, and without making any fuss, the end aimed at +by a government, namely, the end of giving the largest possible amount +of happiness to the mass of mankind? + +"Yes, but the annoyances, the children, the troubles--" + +Ah, you must permit me to proffer the consolatory thought with which +one of our wittiest caricaturists closes his satiric observations: +"Man is not perfect!" It is sufficient, therefore, that our +institutions have no more disadvantages than advantages in order to be +reckoned excellent; for the human race is not placed, socially +speaking, between the good and the bad, but between the bad and the +worse. Now if the work, which we are at present on the point of +concluding, has had for its object the diminution of the worse, as it +is found in matrimonial institutions, in laying bare the errors and +absurdities due to our manners and our prejudices, we shall certainly +have won one of the fairest titles that can be put forth by a man to a +place among the benefactors of humanity. Has not the author made it +his aim, by advising husbands, to make women more self-restrained and +consequently to impart more violence to passions, more money to the +treasury, more life to commerce and agriculture? Thanks to this last +Meditation he can flatter himself that he has strictly kept the vow of +eclecticism, which he made in projecting the work, and he hopes he has +marshaled all details of the case, and yet like an attorney-general +refrained from expressing his personal opinion. And really what do you +want with an axiom in the present matter? Do you wish that this book +should be a mere development of the last opinion held by Tronchet, who +in his closing days thought that the law of marriage had been drawn up +less in the interest of husbands than of children? I also wish it very +much. Would you rather desire that this book should serve as proof to +the peroration of the Capuchin, who preached before Anne of Austria, +and when he saw the queen and her ladies overwhelmed by his triumphant +arguments against their frailty, said as he came down from the pulpit +of truth, "Now you are all honorable women, and it is we who +unfortunately are sons of Samaritan women"? I have no objection to +that either. You may draw what conclusion you please; for I think it +is very difficult to put forth two contrary opinions, without both of +them containing some grains of truth. But the book has not been +written either for or against marriage; all I have thought you needed +was an exact description of it. If an examination of the machine shall +lead us to make one wheel of it more perfect; if by scouring away some +rust we have given more elastic movement to its mechanism; then give +his wage to the workman. If the author has had the impertinence to +utter truths too harsh for you, if he has too often spoken of rare and +exceptional facts as universal, if he has omitted the commonplaces +which have been employed from time immemorial to offer women the +incense of flattery, oh, let him be crucified! But do not impute to +him any motive of hostility to the institution itself; he is concerned +merely for men and women. He knows that from the moment marriage +ceases to defeat the purpose of marriage, it is unassailable; and, +after all, if there do arise serious complaints against this +institution, it is perhaps because man has no memory excepting for his +disasters, that he accuses his wife, as he accuses his life, for +marriage is but a life within a life. Yet people whose habit it is to +take their opinions from newspapers would perhaps despise a book in +which they see the mania of eclecticism pushed too far; for then they +absolutely demand something in the shape of a peroration, it is not +hard to find one for them. And since the words of Napoleon served to +start this book, why should it not end as it began? Before the whole +Council of State the First Consul pronounced the following startling +phrase, in which he at the same time eulogized and satirized marriage, +and summed up the contents of this book: + +"If a man never grew old, I would never wish him to have a wife!" + + + + POSTSCRIPT. + +"And so you are going to be married?" asked the duchess of the author +who had read his manuscript to her. + +She was one of those ladies to whom the author has already paid his +respects in the introduction of this work. + +"Certainly, madame," I replied. "To meet a woman who has courage +enough to become mine, would satisfy the wildest of my hopes." + +"Is this resignation or infatuation?" + +"That is my affair." + +"Well, sir, as you are doctor of conjugal arts and sciences, allow me +to tell you a little Oriental fable, that I read in a certain sheet, +which is published annually in the form of an almanac. At the +beginning of the Empire ladies used to play at a game in which no one +accepted a present from his or her partner in the game, without saying +the word, /Diadeste/. A game lasted, as you may well suppose, during a +week, and the point was to catch some one receiving some trifle or +other without pronouncing the sacramental word." + +"Even a kiss?" + +"Oh, I have won the /Diadeste/ twenty times in that way," she +laughingly replied. + +"It was, I believe, from the playing of this game, whose origin is +Arabian or Chinese, that my apologue takes its point. But if I tell +you," she went on, putting her finger to her nose, with a charming air +of coquetry, "let me contribute it as a finale to your work." + +"This would indeed enrich me. You have done me so many favors already, +that I cannot repay--" + +She smiled slyly, and replied as follows: + + + +A philosopher had compiled a full account of all the tricks that women +could possibly play, and in order to verify it, he always carried it +about with him. One day he found himself in the course of his travels +near an encampment of Arabs. A young woman, who had seated herself +under the shade of a palm tree, rose on his approach. She kindly asked +him to rest himself in her tent, and he could not refuse. Her husband +was then absent. Scarcely had the traveler seated himself on a soft +rug, when the graceful hostess offered him fresh dates, and a cup of +milk; he could not help observing the rare beauty of her hands as she +did so. But, in order to distract his mind from the sensations roused +in him by the fair young Arabian girl, whose charms were most +formidable, the sage took his book, and began to read. + +The seductive creature piqued by this slight said to him in a +melodious voice: + +"That book must be very interesting since it seems to be the sole +object worthy of your attention. Would it be taking a liberty to ask +what science it treats of?" + +The philosopher kept his eyes lowered as he replied: + +"The subject of this book is beyond the comprehension of ladies." + +This rebuff excited more than ever the curiosity of the young Arabian +woman. She put out the prettiest little foot that had ever left its +fleeting imprint on the shifting sands of the desert. The philosopher +was perturbed, and his eyes were too powerfully tempted to resist +wandering from these feet, which betokened so much, up to the bosom, +which was still more ravishingly fair; and soon the flame of his +admiring glance was mingled with the fire that sparkled in the pupils +of the young Asiatic. She asked again the name of the book in tones so +sweet that the philosopher yielded to the fascination, and replied: + +"I am the author of the book; but the substance of it is not mine: it +contains an account of all the ruses and stratagems of women." + +"What! Absolutely all?" said the daughter of the desert. + +"Yes, all! And it has been only by a constant study of womankind that +I have come to regard them without fear." + +"Ah!" said the young Arabian girl, lowering the long lashes of her +white eyelids. + +Then, suddenly darting the keenest of her glances at the pretended +sage, she made him in one instant forget the book and all its +contents. And now our philosopher was changed to the most passionate +of men. Thinking he saw in the bearing of the young woman a faint +trace of coquetry, the stranger was emboldened to make an avowal. How +could he resist doing so? The sky was blue, the sand blazed in the +distance like a scimitar of gold, the wind of the desert breathed +love, and the woman of Arabia seemed to reflect all the fire with +which she was surrounded; her piercing eyes were suffused with a mist; +and by a slight nod of the head she seemed to make the luminous +atmosphere undulate, as she consented to listen to the stranger's +words of love. The sage was intoxicated with delirious hopes, when the +young woman, hearing in the distance the gallop of a horse which +seemed to fly, exclaimed: + +"We are lost! My husband is sure to catch us. He is jealous as a +tiger, and more pitiless than one. In the name of the prophet, if you +love your life, conceal yourself in this chest!" + +The author, frightened out of his wits, seeing no other way of getting +out of a terrible fix, jumped into the box, and crouched down there. +The woman closed down the lid, locked it, and took the key. She ran to +meet her husband, and after some caresses which put him into a good +humor, she said: + +"I must relate to you a very singular adventure I have just had." + +"I am listening, my gazelle," replied the Arab, who sat down on a rug +and crossed his feet after the Oriental manner. + +"There arrived here to-day a kind of philosopher," she began, "he +professes to have compiled a book which describes all the wiles of +which my sex is capable; and then this sham sage made love to me." + +"Well, go on!" cried the Arab. + +"I listened to his avowal. He was young, ardent--and you came just in +time to save my tottering virtue." + +The Arab leaped to his feet like a lion, and drew his scimitar with a +shout of fury. The philosopher heard all from the depths of the chest +and consigned to Hades his book, and all the men and women of Arabia +Petraea. + +"Fatima!" cried the husband, "if you would save your life, answer me-- +Where is the traitor?" + +Terrified at the tempest which she had roused, Fatima threw herself at +her husband's feet, and trembling beneath the point of his sword, she +pointed out the chest with a prompt though timid glance of her eye. +Then she rose to her feet, as if in shame, and taking the key from her +girdle presented it to the jealous Arab; but, just as he was about to +open the chest, the sly creature burst into a peal of laughter. Faroun +stopped with a puzzled expression, and looked at his wife in +amazement. + +"So I shall have my fine chain of gold, after all!" she cried, dancing +for joy. "You have lost the /Diadeste/. Be more mindful next time." + +The husband, thunderstruck, let fall the key, and offered her the +longed-for chain on bended knee, and promised to bring to his darling +Fatima all the jewels brought by the caravan in a year, if she would +refrain from winning the /Diadeste/ by such cruel stratagems. Then, as +he was an Arab, and did not like forfeiting a chain of gold, although +his wife had fairly won it, he mounted his horse again, and galloped +off, to complain at his will, in the desert, for he loved Fatima too +well to let her see his annoyance. The young woman then drew forth the +philosopher from the chest, and gravely said to him, "Do not forget, +Master Doctor, to put this feminine trick into your collection." + + + +"Madame," said I to the duchess, "I understand! If I marry, I am bound +to be unexpectedly outwitted by some infernal trick or other; but I +shall in that case, you may be quite sure, furnish a model household +for the admiration of my contemporaries." + + + +PARIS, 1824-29. + + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, THE PHYSIOLOGY OF MARRIAGE PART 3 *** + +This file should be named phsm310.txt or phsm310.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, phsm311.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, phsm310a.txt + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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