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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/5817.txt b/5817.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..75873d9 --- /dev/null +++ b/5817.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7600 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Clockmaker, by Thomas Chandler Haliburton + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: The Clockmaker + or, The Sayings and Doings of Samuel Slick, of Slickville + +Author: Thomas Chandler Haliburton + +Release Date: June, 2004 [EBook #5817] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on September 6, 2002] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CLOCKMAKER *** + + + + +This etext was produced by Gardner Buchanan with help from +Charles Franks and Distributed Proofers. + + + + + + +The Clockmaker; or +The Sayings and Doings of Samuel Slick, of Slickville, + +by Thomas Chandler Haliburton. + + + Garrit aniles + ex re fabellas + --Horace. + + The cheerful sage, when solemn dictates fail, + Conceals the moral counsel in a tale. + + +Halifax, N. S. +1836. + + +ADVERTISEMENT. + +The following Sketches, as far as the twenty-first No. +originally appeared in "THE NOVASCOTIAN" newspaper. The +great popularity they acquired, induced the Editor of +that paper, to apply to the Author for the remaining part +of the series, and permission to publish the whole entire. +This request having been acceded to, the Editor has now +the pleasure of laying them before the public in their +present shape. + +Halifax, December, 1836. + + + +CONTENTS. + +SLICK'S LETTER +1. The Trotting Horse +2. The Clockmaker +3. The Silent Girls +4. Conversations at the River Philip +5. Justice Pettifog +6. Anecdotes +7. Go Ahead +8. The Preacher that Wandered from His Text +9. Yankee Eating and Horse Feeding +10. The Road to a Woman's Heart--The Broken Heart +11. Cumberland Oysters Produce Melancholy Forebodings +12. The American Eagle +13. The Clockmaker's Opinion of Halifax +14. Sayings and Doings in Cumberland +15. The Dancing Master Abroad +16. Mr. Slick's Opinion of the British +17. A Yankee Handle for a Halifax Blade +18. The Grahamite and the Irish Pilot +19. The Clockmaker Quilts a Blue Nose +20. Sister Sall's Courtship +21. Setting up for Governor +22. A Cure for Conceit +23. The Blowin Time +24. Father John O'Shaughnessy +25. Taming a Shrew +26. The Minister's Horn Mug +27. The White Nigger +28. Fire in the Dairy +29. A Body Without a Head +30. A Tale of Bunker's Hill +31. Gulling a Blue Nose +32. Too many Irons in the Fire +33. Windsor and the Far West + + + + +SLICK'S LETTER. + +[After these sketches had gone through the press, and +were ready for the binder, we sent Mr. Slick a copy; and +shortly afterwards received from him the following letter, +which characteristic communication we give entire--EDITOR.] + +To MR. HOWE, + +SIR.--I received your letter, and note its contents; I +aint over half pleased, I tell you; I think I have been +used scandalous, that's a fact. It warn't the part of a +gentleman for to go and pump me arter that fashion and +then go right off and blart it out in print. It was a +nasty dirty mean action, and I don't thank you nor the +Squire a bit for it. It will be more nor a thousand +dollars out of my pocket. There's an eend to the Clock +trade now, and a pretty kettle of fish I've made of it, +hav'nt I? I shall never hear the last on it, and. what +am I to say when I go back to the States? I'll take my +oath I never said one half the stuff he has set down +there; and as for that long lochrum about Mr. Everett, +and the Hon. Alden Gobble, and Minister, there aint a +word of truth in it from beginnin to eend. If ever I +come near hand to him agin, I'll larn him--but never +mind, I say nothin. Now there's one thing I don't cleverly +understand. If this here book is my "Sayins and Doins," +how comes it yourn or the Squire's either? If my thoughts +and notions are my own, how can they be any other folks's? +According to my idee you have no more right to take them, +than you have to take my clocks without payin for 'em. +A man that would be guilty of such an action is no +gentleman, that's flat, and if you don't like it, you +may lump it--for I don't valy him nor you, neither, nor +are a Blue Nose that ever stept in shoe leather the matter +of a pin's head. I don't know as ever I felt so ugly +afore since I was raised; why didn't he put his name to +it, as well as mine? When an article han't the maker's +name and factory on it, it shows its a cheat, and he's +ashamed to own it. If I'm to have the name I'll have the +game, or I'll know the cause why, that's a fact? Now +folks say you are a considerable of a candid man, and +right up and down in your dealins, and do things above +board, handsum--at least so I've hearn tell. That's what +I like; I love to deal with such folks. Now spose you +make me an offer? You'll find me not very difficult to +trade with, and I don't know but I might put off more +than half of the books myself, tu. I'll tell you how I'd +work it. I'd say, "Here's a book they've namesaked arter +me, Sam Slick the Clockmaker, but it tante mine, and I +can't altogether jist say rightly whose it is. Some say +it's the General's, and some say its the Bishop's, and +some say its Howe himself; but I aint availed who it is. +Its a wise child that knows its own father. It wipes up +the Blue Noses considerable hard, and don't let off the +Yankees so very easy neither, but it's generally allowed +to be about the prettiest book ever writ in this country; +and although it aint altogether jist gospel what's in +it, there's some pretty home truths in it, that's a fact. +Whoever wrote it must be a funny feller, too, that's +sartin; for there are some queer stories in it that no +soul could help larfin at, that's a fact. Its about the +wittiest book I ever seed. Its nearly all sold off, but +jist a few copies I've kept for my old customers. The +price is just 5s. 6d. but I'll let you have it for 5s. +because you'll not get another chance to have one." Always +ax a sixpence more than the price, and then bate it, and +when Blue Nose hears that, he thinks he's got a bargain, +and bites directly. I never see one on 'em yet that didn't +fall right into the trap. + +Yes, make me an offer, and you and I will trade, I think. +But fair play's a jewel, and I must say I feel ryled and +kinder sore. I han't been used handsum atween you two, +and it don't seem to me that I had ought to be made a +fool on in that book, arter that fashion, for folks to +laugh at, and then be sheered out of the spec. If I am, +somebody had better look out for squalls, I tell you. +I'm as easy as an old glove, but a glove aint an old shoe +to be trod on, and I think a certain person will find +that out afore he is six months older, or else I'm +mistakened, that's all. Hopin to hear from you soon, I +remain yours to command, + +SAMUEL SLICK. + +Pugnose's Inn, River Philip, Dec. 25,1836. + +P.S. I see in the last page it is writ, that the Squire +is to take another journey round the Shore, and back to +Halifax with me next Spring. Well, I did agree with him, +to drive him round the coast, but don't you mind--we'll +understand each other, I guess, afore we start. I concait +he'll rise considerable airly in the mornin, afore he +catches me asleep agin. I'll be wide awake for him next +hitch, that's a fact. I'd a ginn a thousand dollars if +he had only used Campbell's name instead of mine; for he +was a most an almighty villain, and cheated a proper raft +of folks, and then shipped himself off to Botany Bay, +for fear folks would transport him there; you couldnt +rub out Slick, and put in Campbell, could you? that's a +good feller; if you would I'd make it worth your while, +you may depend. + + + + +THE CLOCKMAKER + + + + +No. I + +The Trotting Horse. + +I was always well mounted; I am fond of a horse, and +always piqued myself on having the fastest trotter in +the Province. I have made no great progress in the world, +I feel doubly, therefore, the pleasure of not being +surpassed on the road. I never feel so well or so cheerful +as on horseback, for there is something exhilirating in +quick motion; and, old as I am, I feel a pleasure in +making any person whom I meet on the way put his horse +to the full gallop, to keep pace with my trotter. Poor +Ethiope! you recollect him, how he was wont to lay back +his ears on his arched neck, and push away from all +competition. He is done, poor fellow! the spavin spoiled +his speed, and he now roams at large upon 'my farm at +Truro.' Mohawk never failed me till this summer, I pride +myself (you may laugh at such childish weakness in a man +of my age,) but still, I pride myself in taking the +concert out of coxcombs I meet on the road, and on the +ease with which I can leave a fool behind, whose nonsense +disturbs my solitary musings, On my last journey to Fort +Lawrence, as the beautiful view of Colchester had just +opened upon me, and as I was contemplating its richness +and exquisite scenery, a tall thin man, with hollow cheeks +and bright twinkling black eyes, on a good bay horse, +somewhat out of condition, overtook me; and drawing up, +said, I guess you started early this morning, Sir? I did, +Sir, I replied. You did not come from Halifax, I presume, +Sir, did you? in a dialect too rich to be mistaken as +genuine Yankee. And which way may you be travelling? +asked my inquisitive companion. To Fort Lawrence. Ah! +said he, so am I, it is IN MY CIRCUIT. The word CIRCUIT +sounded so professional, I looked again at him, to +ascertain whether I had ever seen him before, or whether +I had met with one of those nameless, but innumerable +limbs of the law, who now flourish in every district of +the Province. There was a keenness about his eye, and an +acuteness of expression, much in favor of the law; but +the dress, and general bearing of the man, made against +the supposition. His was not the coat of a man who can +afford to wear an old coat, nor was it one of 'Tempest +& More's,' that distinguish country lawyers from country +boobies. His clothes were well made, and of good materials, +but looked as if their owner had shrunk a little since +they were made for him; they hung somewhat loose on him. +A large brooch, and some superfluous seals and gold keys, +which ornamented his outward man, looked 'New England' +like. A visit to the States, had perhaps, I thought, +turned this Colchester beau into a Yankee fop. Of what +consequence was it to me who he was--in either case I +had nothing to do with him, and I desired neither his +acquaintance nor his company--still I could not but ask +myself who can this man be? I am not aware, said I, +that there is a court sitting at this time at Cumberland? +Nor am I, said my friend. What then could he have to do +with the circuit? It occurred to me he must be a Methodist +preacher. I looked again, but his appearance again puzzled +me. His attire might do--the colour might be suitable--the +broad brim not out of place; but there was a want of that +staidness of look, that seriousness of countenance, that +expression, in short, so characteristic of the clergy. +I could not account for my idle curiosity--a curiosity +which, in him, I had the moment before viewed both with +suspicion and disgust; but so it was--I felt a desire to +know who he could be who was neither lawyer nor preacher, +and yet talked of his circuit with the gravity of both. +How ridiculous, I thought to myself is this; I will leave +him. Turning towards him, I said, I feared I should be +late for breakfast, and must therefore bid him good +morning. Mohawk felt the pressure of my knees, and away +we went at a slapping pace. I congratulated myself on +conquering my own curiosity, and on avoiding that of my +travelling companion. This, I said to myself, this is +the value of a good horse; I patted his neck--I felt +proud of him. Presently I heard the steps of the unknown's +horse--the clatter increased. Ah, my friend, thought I, +it won't do; you should be well mounted if you desire my +company; I pushed Mohawk faster, faster, faster--to his +best. He outdid himself; he had never trotted so +handsomely--so easily--so well. + +I guess that is a pretty considerable smart horse, said +the stranger, as he came beside me, and apparently reined +in, to prevent his horse passing me; there is not, I +reckon, so spry a one on MY CIRCUIT. + +CIRCUIT, OR NO CIRCUIT, one thing was settled in my mind; +he was a Yankee, and a very impertinent Yankee, too. I +felt humbled, my pride was hurt, and Mohawk was beaten. +To continue this trotting contest was humiliating; I +yielded, therefore, before the victory was palpable, and +pulled up. Yes, continued he, a horse of pretty considerable +good action, and a pretty fair trotter, too, I guess. +Pride must have a fall--I confess mine was prostrate in +the dust. These words cut me to the heart. What! is it +come to this, poor Mohawk, that you, the admiration of +all but the envious, the great Mohawk, the standard by +which all other horses are measured--trots next to Mohawk, +only yields to Mohawk, looks like Mohawk--that you are, +after all, only a counterfeit, and pronounced by a +straggling Yankee to be merely 'a pretty fair trotter!' +If he was trained, I guess that he might be made do a +little more. Excuse me, but if you divide your weight +between the knee and the stirrup, rather most on the +knee, and rise forward on the saddle, so as to leave a +little daylight between you and it, I hope I may never +ride THIS CIRCUIT AGAIN, if you don't get a mile more an +hour out of him. What! not enough, I mentally groaned, +to have my horse beaten, but I must be told that I don't +know how to ride him; and that, too, by a Yankee--Aye, +there's the rub--a Yankee what? Perhaps a half-bred puppy, +half Yankee, half Blue Nose. As there is no escape, I'll +try to make out my riding master. YOUR CIRCUIT, said I, +my looks expressing all the surprise they were capable +of--your circuit, pray what may that be? Oh, said he, +the eastern circuit--I am on the eastern circuit, sir. +I have heard, said I, feeling that I now had a lawyer to +deal with, that there is a great deal of business on this +circuit--pray, are there many cases of importance? There +is a pretty fair business to be done, at least there has +been, but the cases are of no great value--we do not make +much out of them, we get them up very easy, but they +don't bring much profit. What a beast, thought I, is +this; and what a curse to a country, to have such an +unfeeling pettifogging rascal practising in it--a horse +jockey, too--what a finished character! I'll try him on +that branch of his business. + +That is a superior animal you are mounted on, said I--I +seldom meet one that can travel with mine. Yes, said he +coolly, a considerable fair traveller, and most particular +good bottom. I hesitated, this man who talks with such +unblushing effrontery of getting up cases, and making +profit out of them, cannot be offended at the question +--yes, I will put it to him. Do you feel an inclination +to part with him? I never part with a horse sir, that +suits me, said he--I am fond of a horse--I don't like to +ride in the dust after every one I meet, and I allow no +man to pass me but when I choose. Is it possible, I +thought, that he can know me; that he has heard of my +foible, and is quizzing me, or have I this feeling in +common with him. But, continued I, you might supply +yourself again. Not on THIS CIRCUIT, I guess, said he, +nor yet in Campbell's circuit. Campbell's circuit--pray, +sir, what is that? That, said he, is the western--and +Lampton rides the shore circuit; and as for the people +on the shore, they know so little of horses, that Lampton +tells me, a man from Aylesford once sold a hornless ox +there, whose tail he had cut and nicked for a horse of +the Goliath breed. I should think, said I, that Mr. +Lampton must have no lack of cases among such enlightened +clients. Clients, sir, said my friend, Mr. Lampton is +not a lawyer. I beg pardon, I thought you said he rode +the CIRCUIT. We call it a circuit, said the stranger, +who seemed by no means flattered by the mistake--we divide +the Province, as in the Almanack, into circuits, in each +of which we separately carry on our business of +manufacturing and selling clocks. There are few, I guess, +said the Clockmaker, who go upon TICK as much as we do, +who have so little use for lawyers; if attornies could +wind a MAN UP AGAIN, after he has been fairly RUN DOWN, +I guess they'd be a pretty harmless sort of folks. This +explanation restored my good humour, and as I could not +quit my companion, and he did not feel disposed to leave +me, I made up my mind to travel with him to Fort Lawrence, +the limit of HIS CIRCUIT. + + + + +No. II + +The Clock Maker. + +I had heard of Yankee clock pedlars, tin pedlars, and +bible pedlars, especially of him who sold Polyglot Bibles +(ALL IN ENGLISH) to the amount of sixteen thousand pounds. +The house of every substantial farmer had three substantial +ornaments, a wooden clock, a tin reflector, and a Polyglot +Bible. How is it that an American can sell his wares, at +whatever price he pleases, where a Blue Nose would fail +to make a sale at all? I will enquire of the Clockmaker +the secret of his success. What a pity it is, Mr. SLICK, +(for such was his name,) what a pity it is, said I, that +you, who are so successful in teaching these people the +value of CLOCKS, could not also teach them the value of +TIME. I guess, said he, they have got that ring to grow +on their horns yet, which every four year old has in our +country. We reckon hours and minutes to be dollars and +cents. They do nothing in these parts, but eat, drink, +smoke, sleep, ride about, lounge at taverns, make speeches +at temperance meetings, and talk about "House of Assembly." +If a man don't hoe his corn, and he don't get a crop, he +says it is all owing to the Bank; and if he runs into +debt and is sued, why says the lawyers are a curse to +the country. They are a most idle set of folks, I tell +you. But how is it, said I, that you manage to sell such +an immense number of clocks, (which certainly cannot be +called necessary articles,) among a people with whom +there seems to be so great a scarcity of money. + +Mr. Slick paused, as if considering the propriety of +answering the question, and looking me in the face, said, +in a confidential tone, Why, I don't care if I do tell +you, for the market is glutted, and I shall quit this +circuit. It is done by a knowledge of SOFT SAWDER and +HUMAN NATUR. But here is Deacon Flint's, said he, I have +but one clock left, and I guess I will sell it to him. +At the gate of a most comfortable looking farm house +stood Deacon Flint, a respectable old man, who had +understood the value of time better than most of his +neighbours, if one might judge from the appearance of +every thing about him. After the usual salutation, an +invitation to "alight" was accepted by Mr. Slick, who +said, he wished to take leave of Mrs. Flint before he +left Colchester. We had hardly entered the house, before +the Clockmaker pointed to the view from the window, and, +addressing himself to me, said, if I was to tell them in +Connecticut, there was such a farm as this away down east +here in Nova Scotia, they would'nt believe me--why there +aint such a location in all New England. The deacon has +a hundred acres of dyke--seventy, said the deacon, only +seventy. Well, seventy; but then there is your fine deep +bottom, why I could run a ramrod into it--Interval, we +call it, said the Deacon, who, though evidently pleased +at this eulogium, seemed to wish the experiment of the +ramrod to be tried in the right place--well interval if +you please, (though Professor Eleazer Cumstick, in his +work on Ohio, calls them bottoms,) is just as good as +dyke. Then there is that water privilege, worth 3 or +$4,000, twice as good as what Governor Cass paid $15,000 +for. I wonder, Deacon, you don't put up a carding mill +on it: the same works would carry a turning lathe, a +shingle machine, a circular saw, grind bark, and ----. +Too old, said the Deacon, too old for all those +speculations--old, repeated the clock-maker, not you; +why you are worth half a dozen of the young men we see, +now-a-days, you are young enough to have--here he said +something in a lower tone of voice, which I did not +distinctly hear; but whatever it was, the Deacon was +pleased, he smiled and said he did not think of such +things now. But your beasts, dear me, your beasts must +be put in and have a feed; saying which, he went out to +order them to be taken to the stable. As the old gentleman +closed the door after him, Mr. Slick drew near to me, +and said in an under tone, that is what I call "SOFT +SAWDER." An Englishman would pass that man as a sheep +passes a hog in a pasture, without looking at him; or, +said he, looking rather archly, if he was mounted on a +pretty smart horse, I guess he'd trot away, IF HE COULD. +Now I find--here his lecture on "SOFT SAWDER" was cut +short by the entrance of Mrs. Flint. Jist come to say +good bye, Mrs. Flint. What, have you sold all your +clocks? yes, and very low, too, for money is scarce, and +I wished to close the concarn; no, I am wrong in saying +all, for I have just one left. Neighbor Steel's wife +asked to have the refusal of it, but I guess I won't sell +it; I had but two of them, this one and the feller of +it, that I sold Governor Lincoln. General Green, the +Secretary of State for Maine, said he'd give me 50 dollars +for this here one--it has composition wheels and patent +axles, it is a beautiful article--a real first chop--no +mistake, genuine superfine, but I guess I'll take it +back; and beside, Squire Hawk might think kinder harder, +that I did not give him the offer. Dear me, said Mrs. +Flint, I should like to see it, where is it? It is in a +chest of mine over the way, at Tom Tape's store, I guess +he can ship it on to Eastport. That's a good man, said +Mrs. Flint, jist let's look at it Mr. Slick, willing to +oblige, yielded to these entreaties, and soon produced +the clock--a gawdy, highly varnished, trumpery looking +affair. He placed it on the chimney-piece, where its +beauties were painted out and duly appreciated by Mrs. +Flint, whose admiration was about ending in a proposal, +when Mr. Flint returned from giving his directions about +the care of the horses. The Deacon praised the clock, he +too thought it a handsome one; but the Deacon was a +prudent man, he had a watch, he was sorry, but he had no +occasion for a clock. I guess you're in the wrong furrow +this time, Deacon, it ant for sale, said Mr. Slick; and +if it was, I reckon neighbor Steel's wife would have it, +for she gives me no peace about it. Mrs. Flint said, that +Mr. Steele had enough to do, poor man, to pay his interest, +without buying clocks for his wife. It's no concarn of +mine, said Mr. Slick, as long as he pays me, what he has +to do, but I guess I don't want to sell it, and beside +it comes too high; that clock can't be made at Rhode +Island under 40 dollars. Why it ant possible, said the +Clockmaker, in apparent surprise, looking at his watch, +why as I'm alive it is 4 o'clock, and if I hav'nt been +two hours here--how on airth shall I reach River Philip +to-night? I'll tell you what, Mrs. Flint, I'll leave the +clock in your care till I return on my way to the States +--I'll set it a going and put it to the right time. As +soon as this operation was performed, he delivered the +key to the deacon with a sort of serio-comic injunction +to wind up the clock every Saturday night, which Mrs. +Flint said she would take care should be done, and promised +to remind her husband of it, in case he should chance to +forget it. + +That, said the Clockmaker as soon as we were mounted, +that I call 'HUMAN NATUR!' Now that clock is sold for 40 +dollars--it cost me just 6 dollars and 50 cents. Mrs. +Flint will never let Mrs. Steel have the refusal--nor +will the deacon learn until I call for the clock, that +having once indulged in the use of a superfluity, how +difficult it is to give it up. We can do without any +article of luxury we have never had, but when once +obtained, it is not 'IN HUMAN NATUR' to surrender it +voluntarily. Of fifteen thousand sold by myself and +partners in this Province, twelve thousand were left in +this manner, and only ten clocks were ever returned-- +when we called for them they invariably bought them. We +trust to 'SOFT SAWDER' to get them into the house, and +to 'HUMAN NATUR' that they never come out of it. + + + + +No. III + +The Silent Girls. + +Do you see them are swallows, said the Clockmaker, how +low they fly? Well I presume we shall have rain right +away, and them noisy critters, them gulls how close they +keep to the water, down there in the Shubenacadie; well +that's a sure sign. If we study natur, we don't want no +thermometer. But I guess we shall be in time to get under +cover in a shingle-maker's shed about three miles ahead +on us. We had just reached the deserted hovel when the +rain fell in torrents. + +I reckon, said the Clockmaker, as he sat himself down on +a bundle of shingles, I reckon they are bad off for inns +in this country. When a feller is too lazy to work here, +he paints his name over his door, and calls it a tavern, +and as like as not he makes the whole neighbourhood as +lazy as himself--it is about as easy to find a good inn +in Halifax, as it is to find wool on a goat's back. An +inn, to be a good concarn, must be built a purpose, you +can no more make a good tavern out of a common dwelling +house, I expect, than a good coat out of an old pair of +trowsers. They are etarnal lazy, you may depend--now +there might be a grand spec made there, in building a +good Inn and a good Church. What a sacrilegious and +unnatural union, said I, with most unaffected surprise. +Not at all, said Mr. Slick, we build both on speculation +in the States, and make a good deal of profit out of 'em +too, I tell you. We look out a good sightly place, in a +town like Halifax, that is pretty considerably well +peopled, with folks that are good marks; and if there is +no real right down good preacher among them, we build a +handsome Church, touched off like a New-York liner, a +real taking looking thing--and then we look out for a +preacher, a crack man, a regular ten horse power chap +--well, we hire him, and we have to give pretty high +wages too, say twelve hundred or sixteen hundred dollars +a year. We take him at first on trial for a Sabbath or +two, to try his paces, and if he takes with the folks, +if he goes down well, we clinch the bargain, and let and +sell the pews; and, I tell you it pays well and makes a +real good investment. There were few better specs among +us than Inns and Churches, until the Railroads came on +the carpet--as soon as the novelty of the new preacher +wears off, we hire another, and that keeps up the steam. +I trust it will be long, very long, my friend, said I, +ere the rage for speculation introduces "the money changers +into the temple," with us. Mr. Slick looked at me with +a most ineffable expression of pity and surprise. Depend +on it, Sir, said he, with a most philosophical air, this +Province is much behind the intelligence of the age. But +if it is behind us in that respect, it is a long chalk +ahead on us in others. + +I never seed or heard tell of a country that had so many +natural privileges as this. Why there are twice as many +harbors and water powers were, as we have all the way +from Eastport to New OrLEENS. They have all they can ax, +and more than they desarve. They have iron, coal, slate, +grindstone, lime, firestone, gypsum, freestone, and a +list as long as an auctioneer's catalogue. But they are +either asleep, or stone blind to them. Their shores are +crowded with fish, and their lands covered with wood. A +government that lays as light on 'em as a down counterpin, +and no taxes. Then look at their dykes. The Lord seems +to have made 'em on purpose for such lazy folks. If you +were to tell the citizens of our country, that these +dykes had been cropped for a hundred years without manure, +they'd say, they guessed you had seen Col. Crookett, the +greatest hand at a flam in our nation. You have heerd +tell of a man who could'nt see London for the houses, I +tell you, if we had this country, you could'nt see the +harbors for the shipping. There'd be a rush of folks to +it, as there is in one of our inns, to the dinner table, +when they sometimes get jammed together in the door-way, +and a man has to take a running leap over their heads, +afore he can get in. A little nigger boy in New York +found a diamond worth 2,000 dollars; well, he sold it to +a watchmaker for 50 cents--the little critter did'nt +know no better. Your people are just like the nigger boy, +they don't know the value of their diamond. + +Do you know the reason monkeys are no good? because they +chatter all day long--so do the niggers--and so do the +Blue Noses of Nova Scotia--its all talk and no work; now, +with us its all work and no talk--in our ship yards, +our factories, our mills, and even in our Vessels, there's +no talk--a man can't work and talk too. I guess if you +were at the factories at Lowell we'd show you a wonder +--five hundred galls at work together, all in silence. +I don't think our great country has such a real natural +curiosity as that--I expect the world don't contain the +beat of that; for a woman's tongue goes so slick of +itself, without water power or steam, and moves so easy +on its hinges, that its no easy matter to put a spring +stop on it, I tell you--it comes as natural as drinkin +mint julip. + +I don't pretend to say the galls don't nullify the rule, +sometimes at intermission and arter hours, but when they +do, if they don't let go, then its a pity. You have heerd +a school come out, of little boys, Lord its no touch to +it; or a flock of geese at it, they are no more a match +for em than a pony is for a coach-horse. But when they +are at work, all's as still as sleep and no snoring. I +guess we have a right to brag o' that invention--we +trained the dear critters, so they don't think of striking +the minutes and seconds no longer. + +Now the folks of Halifax take it all out in talking-- +they talk of steamboats, whalers and rail roads--but they +all end where they begin--in talk. I don't think I'd be +out in my latitude, if I was to say they beat the women +kind at that. One feller says, I talk of going to +England--another says, I talk of going to the Country-- +while a third says, I talk of going to sleep. If we happen +to speak of such things, we say: 'I'm right off down +East; or I'm away off South,' and away we go, jist like +a streak of lightning. + +When we want folks to talk, we pay 'em for it, such as +ministers, lawyers, and members of congress: but then we +expect the use of their tongues, and not their hands; +and when we pay folks to work, we expect the use of their +hands, and not their tongues. I guess work don't come +kind o' natural to the people of this Province, no more +than it does to a full bred horse. I expect they think +they have a little TOO MUCH BLOOD in 'em for work, for +they are near about as proud as they are lazy. + +Now the bees know how to sarve out such chaps, for they +have their drones too. Well they reckon its no fun, a +making honey all summer, for these idle critters to eat +all winter--so they give 'em Lynch Law. They have a +regular built mob of citizens, and string up the drones +like the Vixburg gamblers. Their maxim is, and not a bad +one neither I guess, 'no work, no honey.' + + + + +No. IV + +Conversations at the River Philip. + +It was late before we arrived at Pugnose's Inn--the +evening was cool, and a fire was cheering and comfortable. +Mr. Slick declined any share in the bottle of wine, he +said he was dyspeptic; and a glass or two soon convinced +me, that it was likely to produce in me something worse +than dyspepsy. It was speedily removed and we drew up to +the fire. Taking a small penknife from his pocket, he +began to whittle a thin piece of dry wood, which lay on +the hearth; and, after musing some time said, I guess +you've never been in the States. I replied that I had +not, but that before I returned to England I proposed +visiting that country. There, said he, you'll see the +great Daniel Webster--he's a great man, I tell you; King +William, number 4, I guess, would be no match for him as +an orator--he'd talk him out of sight in half an hour. +If he was in your house of Commons, I reckon he'd make +some of your great folks look pretty streaked--he's a +true patriot and statesman, the first in our country, +and a most particular cute Lawyer. There was a Quaker +chap too cute for him once tho'. This Quaker, a pretty +knowin' old shaver, had a cause down to Rhode Island; so +he went to Daniel to hire him to go down and plead his +case for him; so says he, Lawyer Webster what's your fee? +Why, says Daniel, let me see, I have to go down south to +Washington, to plead the great Insurance case of the +Hartford Company--and I've got to be at Cincinnati to +attend the Convention, and I don't see how I can go to +Rhode Island without great loss and great fatigue; it +would cost you may be more than you'd be willing to give. +Well, the Quaker looked pretty white about the gills, I +tell you, when he heard this, for he could not do without +him no how, and he did not like this preliminary talk of +his at all--at last he made bold to ask him the worst of +it, what he would take; why, says Daniel, I always liked +the Quakers, they are a quiet peaceable people who never +go to law if they can help it, and it would be better +for our great country if there were more such people in +it. I never seed or heerd tell of any harm in em except +going the whole figure for Gineral Jackson, and that +everlastin almighty villain, Van Buren; yes, I love the +Quakers, I hope they'll go the Webster ticket yet--and +I'll go for you as low as I can any way afford, say 1,000 +dollars. The Quaker well nigh fainted when he heerd this, +but he was pretty deep too: so, says he, Lawyer, that's +a great deal of money, but I have more causes there, if +I give you the 1000 dollars will you plead the other +cases I shall have to give you? Yes, says Daniel, I will +to the best of my humble abilities; so down they went to +Rhode Island, and Daniel tried the case and carried it +for the Quaker. Well, the Quaker he goes round to all +the folks that had suits in court, and says he what will +you give me if I get the great Daniel to plead for you? +It cost me 1000 dollars for a fee, but now he and I are +pretty thick, and as he is on the spot, I'd get him to +plead cheap for you--so he got three hundred dollars from +one, and two from another and so on, until he got eleven +hundred dollars, jist one hundred dollars more than he +gave. Daniel was in a great rage when he heerd this; +what, said he, do you think I would agree to your letting +me out like a horse to hire? Friend Daniel, said the +Quaker, didst thou not undertake to plead all such cases +as I should have to give thee? If thou wilt not stand to +thy agreement, neither will I stand to mine. Daniel +laughed out ready to split his sides at this. Well, says +he, I guess I might as well stand still for you to put +the bridle on this time, for you have fairly pinned me +up in a corner of the fence any how--so he went good +humouredly to work and pleaded them all. + +This lazy fellow, Pugnose, continued the Clockmaker; that +keeps this inn, is going to sell off and go to the States; +he says he has to work too hard here; that the markets +are dull, and the winters too long; and he guesses he +can live easier there; I guess he'll find his mistake +afore he has been there long. Why our country aim to be +compared to this, on no account whatever; our country +never made us to be the great nation we are, but we made +the country. How on airth could we, if we were all like +old Pugnose, as lazy as ugly, make that cold thin soil +of New-England produce what it does? Why, Sir, the land +between Boston and Salem would starve a flock of geese; +and yet look at Salem, it has more cash than would buy +Nova Scotia from the King. We rise early, live frugally, +and work late: what we get we take care of. To all this +we add enterprise and intelligence--a feller who finds +work too hard here, had better not go to the States. I +met an Irishman, one Pat Lannigan, last week, who had +just returned from the States; why, says I, Pat, what on +airth brought you back? Bad luck to them, says Pat, if +I warn't properly bit. What do you get a day in Nova +Scotia? says Judge Beler to me. Four shillings, your +Lordship, says I. There are no Lords here, says he, we +are all free. Well, says he, I'll give you as much in +one day as you can earn there in two; I'll give you eight +shillings. Long life to your Lordship, says I. So next +day to it I went with a party of men a-digging a piece +of canal, and if it wasn't a hot day my name is not Pat +Lannigan. Presently I looked up and straightened my +back; says I to a comrade of mine, Mick, says I, I'm very +dry; with that, says the overseer, we don't allow gentlemen +to talk at their work in this country. Faith, I soon +found out for my two days' pay in one, I had to do two +days' work in one, and pay two weeks' board in one, and +at the end of a month, I found myself no better off in +pocket than in Nova Scotia; while the devil a bone in my +body that didn't ache with pain: and as for my nose, it +took to bleeding, and bled day and night entirely. Upon +my soul, Mr. Slick, said he, the poor labourer does not +last long in your country: what with new rum, hard labor, +and hot weather, you'll see the graves of the Irish each +side of the canals, for all the world like two rows of +potatoes in a field that have forgot to come up. It is +a land, Sir, continued the Clockmaker, of hard work. We +have two kind of slaves, the niggers and the white slaves. +All European laborers and blacks, who come out to us, do +our hard bodily work, while we direct it to a profitable +end; neither rich nor poor, high nor low, with us, eat +the bread of idleness. Our whole capital is in active +operation, and our whole population is in active +employment. An idle fellow, like Pugnose, who runs away +to us, is clapt into harness afore he knows where he is, +and is made to work; like a horse that refuses to draw, +he is put into the Team-boat; he finds some before him +and others behind him, HE MUST EITHER DRAW, or be DRAGGED +TO DEATH. + + + + +No. V + +Justice Pettifog. + +In the morning the Clockmaker informed me that a Justice's +Court was to be held that day at Pugnose's Inn, and he +guessed be could do a little business among the country +folks that would be assembled there. Some of them, he +said, owed him for clocks, and it would save him a world +of travelling, to have the Justice and Constable to drive +them up together. If you want a fat wether, there's +nothing like penning up the whole flock in a corner. I +guess, said he, if General Campbell knew what sort of a +man that are magistrate was, he'd disband him pretty +quick: he's a regular suck egg--a disgrace to the country. +I guess if he acted that way in Kentucky, he'd get a +breakfast of cold lead some morning, out of the small +eend of a rifle, he'd find pretty difficult to digest. +They tell me he issues three hundred writs a year, the +cost of which, including that tarnation Constable's fees, +can't amount to nothing less than 3,000 dollars per annum. +If the Hon. Daniel Webster had him afore a jury, I reckon +he'd turn him inside out, and slip him back again, as +quick as an old stocking. He'd paint him to the life, as +plain to be known as the head of Gineral Jackson. He's +jist a fit feller for Lynch law, to be tried, hanged, +and damned, all at once--there's more nor him in the +country--there's some of the breed in every county in +the Province. Jist one or two to do the dirty work, as +we keep niggers, for jobs that would give a white man +the cholera. They ought to pay his passage, as we do with +such critters, tell him his place is taken in the Mail +Coach, and if he is found here after twenty four hours, +they'd make a carpenter's plumb-bob of him, and hang him +outside the church steeple, to try if it was perpendicular. +He almost always gives judgment for plaintiff, and if +the poor defendant has an offset, he makes him sue it, +so that it grinds a grist both ways for him, like the +upper and lower mill stone. + +People soon began to assemble, some on foot, and others +on horseback and in waggons--Pugnose's tavern was all +bustle and confusion--Plaintiffs, Defendants, and witnesses, +all talking, quarreling, explaining, and drinking. Here +comes the Squire, said one--I'm thinking his horse carries +more roguery than law, said another; they must have been +in proper want of timber to make a justice of, said a +third, when they took such a crooked stick as that; sap +headed enough too for refuse, said a stout looking farmer; +may be so, said another, but as bard at the heart as a +log of elm; howsomever, said a third, I hope it wont be +long afore he has the wainy edge scored off of him, any +how. Many more such remarks were made, all drawn from +familiar objects, but all expressive of bitterness and +contempt. + +He carried one or two large books with him in his gig, +and a considerable roll of papers. As soon as the +obsequious Mr. Pugnose saw him at the door, he assisted +him to alight, ushered him into the "best room," and +desired the constable to attend "the Squire." The crowd +immediately entered, and the Constable opened the Court +in due form, and commanded silence. Taking out a long +list of causes, Mr. Pettifog commenced reading the +names--James Sharp versus John Slug--call John Slug: +John Slug being duly called and not answering, was +defaulted. In this manner he proceeded to default some +20 or 30 persons; at last he came to a cause, William +Hare versus Dennis O'Brien--call Dennis O'Brien--here +I am, said a voice from the other room--here I am, who +has any thing to say to Dennis O'Brien? Make less noise, +sir, said the Justice, or I'll commit you. Commit me, is +it, said Dennis, take care then, Squire, you don't commit +yourself You are sued by William Hare for three pounds +for a month's board and lodging, what have you to say to +it? Say to it, said Dennis, did you ever hear what Tim +Doyle said when be was going to be hanged for stealing +a pig' says he, if the pig had'nt squeeled in the bag +I'd never have been found out, so I would'nt--so I'll +take warning by Tim Doyle's fate, I say nothing, let him +prove it. Here Mr. Hare was called on for his proof, +but taking it for granted that the board would be admitted, +and the defence opened, he was not prepared with proof. +I demand, said Dennis, I demand an unsuit. Here there +was a consultation between the Justice and the Plaintiff, +when the Justice said, I shall not nonsuit him, I shall +continue the cause. What, hang it up till next Court +--you had better hang me up then at once--how can a poor +man come here so often--this may be the entertainment +Pugnose advertises for horses, but by Jacquers, it is no +entertainment for me--I admit then, sooner than come +again, I admit it. You admit you owe him three pounds +then for a month's board? I admit no such thing, I say +I boarded with him a month, and was like Pat Moran's cow +at the end of it, at the lifting, bad luck to him. A +neighbour was here called who proved that the three pounds +might be the usual price. And do you know I taught his +children to write at the school, said Dennis--you might, +answered the witness--and what is that worth? I don't +know--you don't know, faith I believe you're right, said +Dennis, for if the children are half as big rogues as +the father, they might leave writing alone, or they'd be +like to be hanged for forgery. Here Dennis produced his +account for teaching five children, two quarters, at 9 +shillings a quarter each, 4 pounds 10s. I am sorry, Mr. +O'Brien, said the Justice, very sorry, but your defence +will not avail you, your account is too large for one +Justice, any sum over three pounds must be sued before +two magistrates--but I only want to offset as much as +will pay the board--it can't be done in this shape, said +the magistrate; I will consult Justice Dolittle, my +neighbour, and if Mr. Hare won't settle with you, I will +sue it for you. Well, said Dennis, all I have to say +is, that there is not so big a rogue as Hare on the whole +river, save and except one scoundrel who shall be nameless, +making a significant and humble bow to the Justice. Here +there was a general laugh throughout the Court--Dennis +retired to the next room to indemnify himself by another +glass of grog, and venting his abuse against Hare and +the Magistrate. Disgusted at the gross partiality of the +Justice, I also quitted the Court, fully concurring in +the opinion, though not in the language, that Dennis was +giving utterance to in the bar room. + +Pettifog owed his elevation to his interest at an election. +It is to be hoped that his subsequent merits will be as +promptly rewarded, by his dismissal from a bench which +he disgraces and defiles by his presence. + + + + +No. VI + +Anecdotes. + +As we mounted our horses to proceed to Amherst, groups +of country people were to be seen standing about Pugnose's +inn, talking over the events of the morning, while others +were dispersing to their several homes. A pretty prime +superfine scoundrel, that Pettifog, said the Clockmaker; +he and his constable are well mated, and they've travelled +in the same gear so long together, that they make about +as nice a yoke of rascals, as you'll meet in a day's +ride. They pull together like one rope reeved through +two blocks. That are constable was een almost strangled +t'other day; and if he had'nt had a little grain more +wit than his master, I guess he'd had his wind-pipe +stopped as tight as a bladder. There is an outlaw of a +feller here, for all the world like one of our Kentucky +Squatters, one Bill Smith--a critter that neither fears +man nor devil. Sheriff and constable can make no hand of +him--they can't catch him no how; and if they do come up +with him, he slips through their fingers like an eel: +and then, he goes armed, and he can knock the eye out of +a squirrel with a ball, at fifty yards hand running--a +regular ugly customer. Well, Nabb, the constable, had a +writ agin him, and he was cyphering a good while how he +should catch him; at last he hit on a plan that he thought +was pretty clever, and he scheemed for a chance to try +it. So one day he heard that Bill was up at Pugnose's +Inn, a settling some business, and was likely to be there +all night. Nabb waits till it was considerable late in +the evening, and then he takes his horse and rides down +to the inn, and hitches his beast behind the hay stack. +Then he crawls up to the window and peeps in, and watches +there till Bill should go to bed, thinking the best way +to catch them are sort of animals is to catch them asleep. +Well, he kept Nabb a waiting outside so long, with his +talking and singing, that he well nigh fell asleep fist +himself; at last Bill began to strip for bed. First he +takes out a long pocket pistol, examines the priming, +and lays it down on the table, near the head of the bed. + +When Nabb sees this, he begins to creep like all over, +and feel kinder ugly, and rather sick of his job; but +when he seed him jump into bed, and heerd him snore out +a noise like a man driving pigs to market, he plucked up +courage, and thought he might do it easy arter all if he +was to open the door softly, and make one spring on him +afore he could wake. So round he goes, lifts up the latch +of his door as soft as soap, and makes a jump right atop +of him, as he lay on the bed. I guess I got you this +time, said Nabb: I guess so too, said Bill, but I wish +you would'nt lay so plaguy heavy on me--jist turn over, +that's a good fellow, will you? With that Bill lays his +arm on him to raise him up, for he said he was squeezed +as flat as a pancake, and afore Nabb knew where he was, +Bill rolled him right over and was atop of him. Then he +seized him by the throat, and twisted his pipe till his +eyes were, as big as saucers, and his tongue grew six +inches longer, while he kept making faces for all the +world like the pirate that was hanged on Monument Hill +at Boston. It was pretty near over with him, when Nabb +thought of his spurs; so he just curled up both heels, +and drove the spurs right into him; he let him have it +jist below his cruper; as Bill was naked he had a fair +chance, and he ragged him like the leaf of a book cut +open with your finger. At last, Bill could stand it no +longer; he let go his hold and roared like a bull, and +clapping both hands ahind him, he out of the door like +a shot. If it had'nt been for them are spurs, I guess +Bill would have saved the hangman a job of Nabb that +time. + +The Clockmaker was an observing man, and communicative. +Nothing escaped his notice; he knew every body's genealogy, +history and means, and like a driver of an English Stage +Coach, was not unwilling to impart what he knew. Do you +see that snug looking house there, said he, with a short +sarce garden afore it, that belongs to Elder Thomson. +The Elder is pretty close fisted, and holds special fast +to all he gets. He is a just man and very pious, but I +have observed when a man becomes near about too good, he +is apt, sometimes, to slip a head into avarice, unless +he looks sharp arter his girths. A friend of mine in +Connecticut, an old sea Captain, who was once let in for +it pretty deep, by a man with a broader brim than common, +said to me, friend Sam, says he, "I don't like those +folks who are too d--n good." There is, I expect, some +truth in it, tho' he need'nt have swore at all, but he +was an awful hand to swear. Howsomever that may be, there +is a story about the Elder, that's not so coarse neither. +It appears, an old Minister came there once, to hold a +meetin at his house--well, after meetin was over, the +Elder took the minister all over his farm, which is pretty +tidy, I tell you; and he shewed him a great Ox he had, +and a swingeing big Pig, that weighed some six or seven +hundred weight, that he was plaguy proud of, but he never +offered the old minister any thing to eat or drink. The +preacher was pretty tired of all this, and seeing no +prospect of being asked to partake with the family, and +tolerably sharp set, he asked one of the boys to fetch +him his horse out of the barn. When he was taking leave +of the Elder, (there were several folks by at the time,) +says he, Elder Thomson, you have a fine farm here, a very +fine farm, indeed; you have a large Ox too, a very large +Ox; and I think, said he, I've seen to-day, (turning and +looking him full in the face, for he intended to hit him +pretty hard,) I think I have seen to-day the greatest +hag I ever saw in my life. The neighbours snickered a +good deal, and the Elder felt pretty streaked. I guess +he'd give his great Pig or his great Ox either, if that +story had'nt got wind. + + + + +No. VII + +Go Ahead. + +When we resumed our conversation, the Clockmaker said, +"I guess we are the greatest nation on the face of the +airth, and the most enlightened too." This was rather +too arrogant to pass unnoticed, and I was about replying, +that whatever doubts there might be on that subject, +there could be none whatever that they were the most +MODEST; when he continued "we go ahead," the Novascotians +go "astarn." Our ships go ahead of the ships of other +folks, our steam boats beat the British in speed, and so +do our stage coaches; and I reckon a real right down New +York trotter might stump the univarse for going "ahead." +But since we introduced the Rail Roads if we don't go +"ahead" its a pity. We never fairly knew what going the +whole hog was till then; we actilly went ahead of ourselves, +and that's no easy matter I tell you. If they only had +edication here, they might learn to do so too, but they +don't know nothin. You undervalue them, said I, they have +their College and Academies, their grammar schools and +primary institutions, and I believe there are few among +them who cannot read and write. + +I guess all that's nothin, said he. As for Latin and +Greek, we don't valy it a cent; we teach it, and so +we do painting and music, because the English do, and +we like to go ahead on em, even in them are things. As +for reading, its well enough for them that has nothing +to do, and writing is plaguy apt to bring a man to +States-prison, particularly if he writes his name so +like another man as to have it mistaken for his'n. +Cyphering is the thing--if a man knows how to cypher, +he is sure to grow rich. We are a 'calculating' people, +we all cypher. + +A horse that wont go ahead, is apt to run back, and the +more you whip him the faster he goes astarn. That's jist +the way with the Nova Scotians; they have been running back +so fast lately, that they have tumbled over a BANK or two, +and nearly broke their necks; and now they've got up and +shook themselves, they swear their dirty clothes and bloody +noses are all owing to the BANKS. I guess if they wont look +ahead for the future, they'll larn to look behind, and see +if there's a bank near hand em. + +A Bear always goes down a tree STARN FOREMOST. He is a +cunning critter, he knows tante safe to carry a heavy +load over his head, and his rump is so heavy, he don't +like to trust it over hisn, for fear it might take a +lurch, and carry him heels over head, to the ground; so +he lets his starn down first, and his head arter. I wish +the Blue Noses would find as good an excuse in their +rumps for running backwards as he has. But the bear +'CYPHERS;' he knows how many pounds his hams weigh, and +he 'CALCULATES' if he carried them up in the air, they +might be top heavy for him. + +If we had this Province we'd go to work and 'cypher' right +off. Halifax is nothing without a river or back country; +add nothing to nothing, and I guess you have nothing +still--add a Rail Road to the Bay of Fundy, and how much +do you get? That requires cyphering--it will cost $300,000, +or 75,000 pounds your money--add for notions omitted in +the addition column, one third, and it makes even money +--100,000 pounds. Interest at 5 per cent 5,000 pounds a +year. Now turn over the slate and count up freight--I +make it upwards of 25,000 pounds a year. If I had you at +the desk, I'd shew you a bill of items. + +Now comes "SUBTRACTION," deduct cost of engines, wear +and tear, and expenses, and what not, and reduce it for +shortness down to 5,000 pounds a year, the amount of +interest. What figures have you got now? you have an +investment that pays interest, I guess, and if it don't +pay more then I don't know chalk from cheese. But suppose +it don't, and that it only yields two and a half per +cent, (and it requires good cyphering, I tell you, to +say how it would act with folks that like going astarn +better than going ahead,) what would them are wise ones +say then? Why the critters would say it wont pay; but I +say the sum ant half stated. Can you count in your head? +Not to any extent, said I. Well, that's an etarnal pity, +said the Clockmaker, for I should like to show you Yankee +Cyphering. What is the entire real estate of Halifax +worth, at a valeation? I really cannot say. Ah, said he, +I see you don't cypher, and Latin and Greek wont do; them +are people had no rail-roads. Well, find out, and then +only add ten per cent to it, for increased value, and if +it don't give the cost of a rail-road, then my name is +not Sam Slick. Well, the land between Halifax and Ardoise +is worth --- nothing, add 5 per cent to that, and send +the sum to the College, and ax the students how much it +comes to. But when you get into Hants County, I guess +you have land worth coming all the way from Boston to +see. His Royal Highness the King, I guess, hasn't got +the like in his dominions. Well, add 15 per cent to all +them are lands that border on Windsor Basin, and 5 per +cent to what butts on Basin of Mines, and then, what do +you get? A pretty considerable sum I tell you--but its +no use to give you the CHALKS, if you can't keep the +TALLIES. Now we will lay down the schoolmaster's assistant, +and take up another book every bit and grain as good as +that, although these folks affect to sneer at it--I mean +human natur. Ah! said I, a knowledge of that was of +great service to you, certainly, in the sale of your +clock to the old Deacon: let us see how it will assist +you now. What does a clock want that's run down? said +he. Undoubtedly to be wound up, I replied; I guess you've +hit it this time. The folks of Halifax have run down, +and they'll never go to all eternity, till they are wound +up into motion: the works are all good, and it is plaguy +well cased and set--it only wants a KEY. Put this railroad +into operation, and the activity it will inspire into +business, the new life it will give the place, will +surprise you. Its like lifting a child off its crawling, +and putting him on his legs to run--see how the little +critter goes ahead arter that. A kurnel, (I don't mean +a Kurnel of militia, for we don't valy that breed o' +cattle nothing--they do nothing but strut about and +screech all day, like peacocks,) but a kurnel of grain, +when sowed, will stool into several shoots, and each +shoot hear many kurnels, and will multiply itself thus +--4 times 1 is 4, and 4 times 25 is a hundred, (you see +all natur cyphers, except the Blue Noses.) Jist so, this +here rail-road will not perhaps beget other rail-roads, +but it will beget a spirit of enterprise, that will beget +other useful improvements. It will enlarge the sphere +and the means of trade, open new sources of traffic and +supply--develop resources--and what is of more value +perhaps than all--beget motion. It will teach the folks +that go astarn or stand stock still, like the statehouse +in Boston, (though they do say the foundation of that +has moved a little this summer) not only to go "AHEAD," +BUT TO NULLIFY TIME AND SPACE. + +Here his horse (who, feeling the animation of his master, +had been restive of late) set off at a most prodigious +rate of trotting. It was some time before he was reined +up. When I overtook him, the Clockmaker said, "this old +Yankee horse, you see, understands our word 'go ahead' +better nor these Blue Noses." + +What is it, he continued, what is it that 'fetters' the +heels of a young country, and hangs like 'a poke' around +its neck? what retards the cultivation of its soil, and +the improvement of its fisheries?--the high price of +labor, I guess. Well, what's a rail-road? The substitution +of mechanical for human and animal labor, on a scale as +grand as our great country. Labor is dear in America, +and cheap in Europe. A rail-road, therefore, is +comparatively no manner of use to them, to what it is to +us--it does wonders there, but it works miracles here. +There it makes the old man younger, but here it makes a +child a giant. To us it is river, bridge, road and canal, +all one. It saves what we han't got to spare, men, +horses, carts, vessels, barges, and what's all in all--time. + +Since the creation of the Univarse, I guess it's the +greatest invention, arter man. Now this is what I call +"cyphering" arter human natur, while figures are cyphering +arter "the assistant." These two sorts of cyphering make +idecation--and you may depend on't Squire, there is +nothing like folks cyphering, if they want to "go ahead." + + + + +No. VIII + +The Preacher that Wandered from His Text. + +I guess, said the Clockmaker, we know more of Nova Scotia +than the Blue Noses themselves do. The Yankees see further +ahead than most folks; they can een a most see round +t'other side of a thing; indeed some on them have hurt +their eyes by it, and sometimes I think that's the reason +such a sight of them wear spectacles. The first I ever +heerd tell of Cumberland was from Mr. Everett of Congress; +he know'd as much about it as if he had lived here all +his days, and may be a little grain more. He is a splendid +man that--we class him No. 1, letter A. One night I +chanced to go into General Peep's tavern at Boston, and +who should I see there but the great Mr. Everett, a +studying over a map of the Province of Nova-Scotia. Why +it aint possible! said I--if that aint Professor Everett, +as I am alive! why how do you do, Professor? Pretty well, +I give you thanks, said he; how be you? but I aint no +longer Professor; I gin that up, and also the trade of +Preaching, and took to politics. You don't say so, said +I; why what on airth is the cause o' that? Why, says he, +look here, Mr. Slick. What IS the use of reading the +Proverbs of Solomon to our free and enlightened citizens, +that are every mite and mortal as wise as he was? That +are man undertook to say there was nothing new under the +sun. I guess he'd think he spoke a little too fast, if +he was to see our steam boats, rail-roads, and India +rubber shoes--three inventions worth more nor all he knew +put in a heap together. Well, I don't know, said I, but +somehow or another, I guess you'd have found preaching +the best speculation in the long run; them are Unitarians +pay better than Uncle Sam (we call, said the Clockmaker, +the American public Uncle Sam, as you call the British +John Bull.) + +That remark seemed to grig him a little; he felt oneasy +like, and walked twice across the room, fifty fathoms +deep in thought: at last he said, which way are you from, +Mr. Slick, this hitch? Why, says I, I've been away up +south a speculating in nutmegs. I hope, says the Professor, +they were a good article, the real right down genuine +thing. No mistake, says I,--no mistake, Professor: they +were all prime, first chop, but why did you ax that are +question? Why, says he, that eternal scoundrel, that +Captain John Allspice of Nahant, he used to trade to +Charleston, and he carried a cargo once there of fifty +barrels of nutmegs: well, he put half a bushel of good +ones into each eend of the barrel, and the rest he filled +up with wooden ones, so like the real thing, no soul +could tell the difference until HE BIT ONE WITH HIS TEETH, +and that he never thought of doing, until he was first +BIT HIMSELF. Well, its been a standing joke with them +southerners agin us ever since. It was only tother day +at Washington, that everlasting Virginy duellist General +Cuffy, afore a number of senators, at the President's +house, said to me, 'Well Everett,' says he--'you know I +was always dead agin your Tariff bill, but I have changed +my mind since your able speech on it; I shall vote for +it now.' 'Give me your hand,' says I, 'General Cuffy; +the Boston folks will be dreadful glad when they hear +your splendid talents are on our side--I think it will +go now--we'll carry it.' 'Yes,' says he, 'your factories +down east beat all natur; they go ahead on the English +a long chalk.' You may depend I was glad to hear the New +Englanders spoken of that way--I felt proud I tell +you--'and,' says he, 'there's one manufacture that might +stump all Europe to produce the like.' 'What's that?' +says I, looking as pleased all the time as a gall that's +tickled. 'Why,' says be, 'the facture of wooden nutmegs; +that's a cap sheef that bangs the bush--its a real Yankee +patent invention.' With that all the gentlemen set up a +laugh, you might have heard away down to Sandy Hook--and +the General gig gobbled like a great turkey cock, the +half nigger, half alligator like looking villain as he +is. I tell you what, Mr. Slick, said the Professor, I +wish with all my heart them are damned nutmegs were in +the bottom of the sea. That was the first oath I ever +heerd him let slip: but he was dreadful ryled, and it +made me feel ugly too, for its awful to hear a minister +swear; and the only match I know for it, is to hear a +regular sneezer of a sinner quote scripture. Says I, Mt. +Everett, that's the fruit that politics bear; for my part +I never seed a good graft on it yet, that bore any thing +good to eat, or easy to digest. + +Well, he stood awhile looking down on the carpet, with +his hands behind him, quite taken up a cyphering in his +head, and then he straightened himself up, and he put +his hand upon his heart, just as he used to do in the +pulpit, (he looked pretty I tell you) and slowly lifting +his hand off his breast, he said, 'Mr. Slick, our tree +of liberty was a beautiful tree--a splendid tree--it +was a sight to look at; it was well fenced and well +protected, and it grew so stately and so handsome, that +strangers came from all parts of the globe to see it. +They all allowed it was the most splendid thing in the +world. Well, the mobs have broken in and tore down the +fences, and snapped off the branches, and scattered all +the leaves about, and it looks no better than a gallows +tree.' 'I am afeared,' said he, 'I tremble to think on +it, but I am afeared our ways will no longer be ways of +pleasantness, nor our paths, paths of peace; I am, indeed, +I vow, Mr. Slick.' He looked so streaked and so chop-fallen, +that I felt kinder sorry for him; I actilly thought he'd +a boo-hood right out. So, to turn the conversation, says +I, Professor, what are great map is that I seed you a +studyin' over when I came in? Says he, it's a map of Nova +Scotia. That, says he, is a valuable province, a real +clever province; we hant got the like on it, but its most +plagily in our way. Well, says I, send for Sam Patch +(that are man was a great diver, says the Clockmaker, +and the last dive he took was off the falls of Niagara, +and he was never heerd of agin till tother day, when +Captain Enoch Wentworth, of the Susy Ann Whaler, saw him +in the South Sea. Why, says Capt. Enoch to him, why Sam, +says he, how on airth did you get here? I thought you +was drowned at the Canadian lines. Why, says he, I didn't +get ON airth here at all, but I came right slap THROUGH +it. In that are Niagara dive, I went so everlasting deep, +I thought it was just as short to come up tother side, +so out I came in those parts. If I don't take the shine +off the Sea Serpent, when I get back to Boston, then my +name's not Sam Patch.) + +Well, says I, Professor, send for Sam Patch, the diver, +and let him dive down and stick a torpedo in the bottom +of the Province and blow it up; or if that won't do, send +for some of our steam tow boats from our great Eastern +cities, and tow it out to sea; you know there's nothing +our folks can't do, when they once fairly take hold on +a thing in airnest. Well, that made him laugh; he seemed +to forget about the nutmegs, and says he, that's a bright +scheme, but it won't do; we shall want the Province some +day, and I guess we'll buy it of King William; they say +he is over head and ears in debt, and owes nine hundred +millions of pounds starling--we'll buy it, as we did +Florida. In the meantime we must have a canal from Bay +Fundy to Bay Varte, right through Cumberland neck, by +Shittyack, for our fishing vessels to go to Labradore. +I guess you must ax leave first, said I; that's jist what +I was cyphering at, says he, when you came in. I believe +we won't ax them at all, but jist fall to and do it; ITS +A ROAD OF NEEDCESSITY. I once heard Chief Justice Marshall +of Baltimore say; 'If the people's highway is dangerous +--a man may take down a fence--and pass through the fields +as a way of NEEDCESSITY;' and we shall do it on that +principle, as the way round by Isle Sable is dangerous. +I wonder the Novascotians don't do it for their own +convenience. Said I, it would'nt make a bad speculation +that. The critters don't know no better, said he. + +Well, says I, the St. John's folks, why don't they? for +they are pretty cute chaps them. They remind me, says +the Professor, of Jim Billings. You knew Jim Billings, +did'nt you, Mr. Slick? Oh yes, said I, I knew him. It +was he that made such a talk by shipping blankets to the +West Indies; the same, says he. Well, I went to see him +the other day at Mrs. Lecain's Boarding House, and says +I, Billings, you have a nice location here. A plaguy +sight too nice, said he. Marm Lecain makes such an etarnal +touss about her carpets, that I have to go along that +everlasting long entry, and down both staircases, to the +street door to spit; and it keeps all the gentlemen a +running with their mouths full all day. I had a real bout +with a New Yorker this morning, I run down to the street +door, and afore I see'd any body a coming, I let go, and +I vow if I did'nt let a chap have it all over his white +waistcoat. Well, he makes a grab at me, and I shuts the +door right to on his wrist, and hooks the door chain +taught and leaves him there, and into Marm Lecain's bed +room like a shot, and hides behind the curtain. Well, he +roared like a bull, till black Lucretia, one of the house +helps, let him go, and they looked into all the gentlemen's +rooms and found nobody--so I got out of that are scrape. +So, what with Marm Lecain's carpets in the house, and +other folks' waistcoats in the street, its too nice a +location for me, I guess, so I shall up killoch and off +to morrow to the TREE-mont. + +Now, says the Professor, the St. John's folks are jist +like Billings, fifty cents would have bought him a spit +box, and saved him all them are journeys to the street +door--and a canal at Bay Varte would save the St. John's +folks a voyage all round Nova-Scotia. Why, they can't +get at their own backside settlements, without a voyage +most as long as one to Europe. If we had that are neck +of land in Cumberland, we'd have a ship canal there, and +a town at each end of it as big as Portland. You may +talk of Solomon, said the Professor, but if Solomon in +all his glory was not arrayed like a lily of the field, +neither was he in all his wisdom, equal in knowledge to +a reel free American citizen. Well, said I, Professor, +we are a most enlightened people, that's sartain, but +somehow I don't like to hear you run down King Solomon +neither; perhaps he warnt quite so wise as Uncle Sam, +but then, said I, (drawing close to the Professor, and +whispering in his ear, for fear any folks in the bar room +might hear me,) but then, said I, may be he was every +bit and grain as honest. Says he, Mr. Slick, there are +some folks who think a good deal and say but little, and +they are wise folks; and there are others agin, who blart +right out whatever comes uppermost, and I guess they are +pretty considerable superfine darned fools. And with that +he turned right round, and sat down to his map and never +said another word, lookin' as mad as a hatter the whole +blessed time. + + + + +No. IX + +Yankee Eating and Horse Feeding. + +Did you ever heer tell of Abernethy, a British doctor? +said the Clockmaker. Frequently, said I, he was an eminent +man, and had a most extensive practice. Well, I reckon +he was a vulgar critter that, he replied, he treated the +honble. Aiden Gobble, secretary to our legation at London, +dreadful bad once; and I guess if it had been me he had +used that way, I'd a fixed his flint for him, so that +he'd think twice afore he'd fire such another shot as +that are again. I'd a made him make tracks, I guess, as +quick as a dog does a hog from a potatoe field. He'd a +found his way out of the hole in the fence a plaguy sight +quicker than he came in, I reckon. Hits manner, said I, +was certainly rather unceremonious at times, but he was +so honest, and so straightforward, that no person was, +I believe, ever seriously offended at him. IT WAS HIS +WAY. Then his way was so plague rough, continued the +Clockmaker, that he'd been the better, if it had been +hammered and mauled down smoother. I'd a levelled him as +flat as a flounder. Pray what was his offence? said I. +Bad enough you may depend. The honble. Alden Gobble was +dyspeptic, and he suffered great on easiness arter eatin, +so he gees to Abemethy for advice. What's the matter with +you, said the Doctor? jist that way, without even passing +the time o' day with him--What's the matter with you? +said he. Why, says Alden, I presume I have the Dyspepsy. +Ah! said he, I see; a Yankee swallowed more dollars and +cents than he can digest I am an American citizen, says +Alden, with great dignity, I am Secretary to our Legation +at the Court of St. James. The devil you are, said +Abernethy, then you'll soon get rid of your dyspepsy. I +don't see that are inference, said Alden, it don't follow +from what you predicate at all--it ant a natural +consequence, I guess, that a man should cease to be ill, +because he is called by the voice of a free and enlightened +people to fill an important office. (The truth is, you +could no more trap Alden than you could an Indian. He +could see other folks' trail, and made none himself; he +was a real diplomatist, and I believe our diplomatists +are allowed to be the best in the world.) But I tell you +it does follow, said the Doctor; for in the company you'll +have to keep, you'll have to eat like a Christian. It +was an everlasting pity Alden contradicted him, for he +broke out like one ravin distracted mad. I'll be d--d, +said he, if ever I saw a Yankee that did'nt bolt his food +whole like a Boa Constrictor. How the devil can you +expect to digest food, that you neither take the trouble +to dissect, nor time to masticate? It's no wonder you +lose your teeth, for you never use them; nor your digestion, +for you overload it; nor your saliva, for you expend it +on the carpets, instead of your food. Its disgusting, +its beastly. You Yankees load your stomachs as a Devonshire +man does his cart, as full as it can hold, and as fast +as he can pitch it with a dung fork, and drive off; and +then you complain that such a load of compost is too +heavy for you. Dyspepsy, eh! infernal guzzling, you mean. +I'll tell you what, Mr. Secretary of Legation, take half +the time to eat, that you do to drawl out your words, +chew your food half as much as you do your filthy tobacco, +and you'll be well in a month. I don't understand such +language, said Alden. (for he was fairly ryled, and got +his dander up, and when he shows clear grit, he looks +wicked ugly, I tell you.) I don't understand such language. +Sir: I came here to consult you professionally, and not +to be ---. Don't understand! said the Doctor, why its +plain English: but here, read my book--and he shoved a +book into his hands and left him in an instant, standing +alone in the middle of the room. If the honble. Alden +Gobble had gone right away and demanded his passports, +and returned home with the Legation, in one of our first +class frigates, (I guess the English would as soon see +pyson as one o' them are Serpents) to Washington, the +President and the people would have sustained him in it, +I guess, until an apology was offered for the insult to +the nation. I guess if it had been me, said Mr. Slick, +I'd a headed him afore he slipt out o' the door, and +pinned him up agin the wall, and made him bolt his words +again, as quick as he throw'd 'em up, for I never see'd +an Englishman that didn't cut his words as short as he +does his horse's tail, close up to the stump. It certainly +was very coarse and vulgar language, and I think, said +I, that your Secretary had just cause to be offended at +such an ungentlemanlike attack, although he showed his +good sense in treating it with the contempt it deserved, +It was plaguy lucky for the doctor, I tell you, that he +cut stick as he did, and made himself scarce, for Alden +was an ugly customer; he'd a gin him a proper scalding +--he'd a taken the bristles off his hide, as clean as +the skin of a spring shote of a pig killed at Christmas. +The Clockmaker was evidently excited by his own story, +and to indemnify himself for these remarks on his +countrymen, he indulged for some time in ridiculing the +Nova Scotians. + +Do you see that are flock of colts, said he, (as we passed +one of those beautiful prairies that render the vallies +of Nova Scotia so verdant and so fertile,) well, I guess +they keep too much of that are stock. I heerd an Indian +one day ax a tavern keeper for some rum; why, Joe Spawdeeck, +said he, I reckon you have got too much already. Too much +of any thing, said Joe is not good, but too much rum is +jist enough. I guess these Blue Noses think so bout their +horses, they are fairly eat up by them, out of house and +home, and they are no good neither. They beant good saddle +horses, and they beant good draft beasts--they are jist +neither one thing nor tother. They are like the drink of +our Connecticut folks. At mowing time they use molasses +and water, nasty stuff only fit to catch flies--it spiles +good water and makes bad beer. No wonder the folks are +poor. Look at them are great dykes; well, they all go to +feed horses; and look at their grain fields on the upland; +well, they are all sowed with oats to feed horses, and +they buy their bread from us: so we feed the asses, and +they feed the horses. If I had them critters on that are +marsh, on a location of mine, I'd jist take my rifle and +shoot every one on them; the nasty yo necked, cat hammed, +heavy headed, flat eared, crooked shanked, long legged, +narrow chested, good for nothin brutes; they aint worth +their keep one winter. I vow, I wish one of these Blue +Noses, with his go-to-meetin clothes on, coat tails pinned +up behind like a leather blind of a Shay, an old spur on +one heel, and a pipe stuck through his hat band, mounted +on one of these limber timbered critters, that moves its +hind legs like a hen scratchin gravel, was sot down in +Broadway, in New York, for a sight. Lord! I think I hear +the West Point cadets a larfin at him. Who brought that +are scare-crow out of standin corn and stuck him here? +I guess that are citizen came from away down east out of +the Notch of the White Mountains. Here comes the Cholera +doctor, from Canada--not from Canada, I guess, neither, +for he don't LOOK AS IF HE HAD EVER BEEN AMONG THE RAPIDS. +If they would'nt poke fun at him its a pity. If they'd +keep less horses, and more sheep, they'd have food and +clothing, too, instead of buying both. I vow I've larfed +afore now till I have fairly wet myself a cryin, to see +one of these folks catch a horse: may be he has to go +two or three miles of an arrand. Well, down he goes on +the dyke with a bridle in one hand, and an old tin pan +in another, full of oats, to catch his beast. First he +goes to one flock of horses, and then to another, to see +if he can find his own critter. At last he gets sight on +him, and goes softly up to him, shakin of his oats, and +a coaxin him, and jist as he goes to put his hand upon +him, away he starts all head and tail, and the rest with +him: that starts another flock, and they set a third +off, and at last every troop on 'em goes, as if Old Nick +was arter them, till they amount to two or three hundred +in a drove. Well, he chases them clear across the Tantramer +marsh, seven miles good, over ditches, creeks, mire holes, +and flag ponds, and then they turn and take a fair chase +for it back again seven miles more. By this time, I +presume, they are all pretty considerably well tired, +and Blue Nose, he goes and gets up all the men folks in +the neighborhood, and catches his beast, as they do a +moose arter he is fairly run down; so he runs fourteen +miles, to ride two, because he is in a tarnation hurry. +Its e'en a most equal to eatin soup with a fork, when +you are short of time. It puts me in mind of catching +birds by sprinkling salt on their tails; its only one +horse a man can ride out of half a dozen, arter all. One +has no shoes, tother has a colt, one arnt broke, another +has a sore back, while a fifth is so etarnal cunnin, all +Cumberland could'nt catch him, till winter drives him up +to the barn for food. + +Most of them are dyke marshes have what they call 'HONEY +POTS' in 'em; that is a deep hole all full of squash, +where you can't find no bottom. Well, every now and then, +when a feller goes to look for his horse, he sees his +tail a stickin right out an eend, from one of these honey +pots, and wavin like a head of broom corn; and sometimes +you see two or three trapped there, e'en a most smothered, +everlastin' tired, half swimmin' half wadin, like rats +in a molasses cask. When they find 'em in that are +pickle, they go and get ropes, and tie 'em tight round +their necks, and half hang 'em to make 'em float, and +then haul 'em out. Awful looking critters they be, you +may depend, when they do come out; for all the world like +half drowned kittens--all slinkey--slimey--with their +great long tails glued up like a swab of oakum dipped in +tar. If they don't look foolish its a pity? Well, they +have to nurse these critters all winter, with hot mashes, +warm covering, and what not, and when spring comes, they +mostly die, and if they don't they are never no good +arter. I wish with all my heart half the horses in the +country were barrelled up in these here 'honey pots,' +and then there'd be near about one half too many left +for profit. Jist look at one of these barn yards in the +spring--half a dozen half starved colts, with their hair +lookin a thousand ways for Sunday, and their coats hangin +in tatters, and half a dozen good for nothin old horses, +a crowdin out the cows and sheep. + +Can you wonder that people who keep such an unprofitable +stock, come out of the small eend of the horn in the long +run? + + + + +No. X + +The Road to a Woman's Heart--The Broken Heart. + +As we approached the Inn at Amherst, the Clockmaker grew +uneasy. Its pretty well on in the evening, I guess, said +he, and Marm Pugwash is as onsartain in her temper as a +mornin in April; its all sunshine or all clouds with her, +and if she's in one of her tantrums, she'll stretch out +her neck and hiss, like a goose with a flock of goslins. +I wonder what on airth Pugwash was a thinkin on, when he +signed articles of partnership with that are woman; she's +not a bad lookin piece of furniture neither, and its a +proper pity sich a clever woman should carry such a stiff +upper lip--she reminds me of our old minister Joshua +Hopewell's apple trees. The old minister had an orchard +of most particular good fruit, for he was a great hand +at buddin, graftin, and what not, and the orchard (it +was on the south side of the house) stretched right up +to the road. Well, there were some trees hung over the +fence, I never seed such bearers, the apples hung in +ropes, for all the world like strings of onions, and the +fruit was beautiful. Nobody touched the minister's +apples, and when other folks lost theirn from the boys, +hisn always hung there like bait to a hook, but there +never was so much as a nibble at em. So I said to him +one day, Minister, said I, how on airth do you manage to +keep your fruit that's so exposed, when no one else cant +do it nohow. Why, says he, they are dreadful pretty +fruit, ant they? I guess, said I, there ant the like on +em in all Connecticut. Well, says he, I'll tell you the +secret, but you need'nt let on to no one about it. That +are row next the fence, I grafted it myself, I took great +pains to get the right kind, I sent clean up to Roxberry, +and away down to Squaw-neck Creek, (I was afeared he was +agoin to give me day and date for every graft, being a +terrible long-winded man in his stories,) so says I, I +know that, minister, but how do you preserve them? Why +I was a goin to tell you, said he, when you stopped me. +That are outward row I grafted myself with the choicest +kind I could find, and I succeeded. They are beautiful, +but so etarnal sour, no human soul can eat them. Well, +the boys think the old minister's graftin has all succeeded +about as well as that row, and they sarch no farther. +They snicker at my graftin, and I laugh in my sleeve, I +guess, at their penetration. + +Now, Marm Pugwash is like the Minister's apples, very +temptin fruit to look at, but desperate sour. If Pugwash +had a watery mouth when be married, I guess its pretty +puckery by this time. However, if she goes to act ugly, +I'll give her a dose of 'soft sawder,' that will take +the frown out of her frontispiece, and make her dial-plate +as smooth as a lick of copal varnish. Its a pity she's +such a kickin devil, too, for she has good points--good +eye--good foot--neat pastern--fine chest--a clean set +of limbs, and carries a good ---. But here we are, now +you'll see what' soft sawder' will do. When we entered +the house, the traveller's room was all in darkness, and +on opening the opposite door into the sitting room, we +found the female part of the family extinguishing the +fire for the night. Mrs. Pugwash had a broom in her hand, +and was in the act (the last act of female housewifery) +of sweeping the hearth. The strong flickering light of +the fire, as it fell upon her tall fine figure and +beautiful face, revealed a creature worthy of the +Clockmaker's comments. Good evening, Marm, said Mr. Slick, +how do you do, and how's Mr. Pugwash? He, said she, why +he's been abed this hour, you don't expect to disturb--him +this time of night I hope. Oh no, said Mr. Stick, certainly +not, and I am sorry to have disturbed you, but we got +detained longer than we expected; I am sorry that --. So +am I, said she, but if Mr. Pugwash will keep an Inn when +he has no occasion to, his family cant expect no rest. +Here the Clockmaker, seeing the storm gathering, stooped +down suddenly, and staring intently, held out his hand +and exclaimed, well if that aint a beautiful child--come +here, my little man and shake hands along with me--well +I declare if that are little feller aint the finest child +I ever seed--what, not abed yet? ah you rogue, where did +you get them are pretty rosy cheeks; stole them from +mamma, eh? Well, I wish my old mother could see that +child, it is such a treat In our country, said he, turning +to me, the children are all as pale as chalk, or as yeller +as an orange. Lord, that are little feller would be a +show in our country--come to me my man. Here the soft +sawder began to operate. Mrs. Pugwash said in a milder +tone than we had yet heard, 'go my dear to the gentleman, +go dear.' Mr. Slick kissed him, asked him if he would go +to the States along with him, told him all the little +girls there would fall in love with him, for they didn't +see such a beautiful face once in a month of Sundays. +Black eyes, let me see, ah mamma's eyes too, and black +hair also; as I am alive, why you are mamma's own boy, +the very image of mamma. Do be seated, gentlemen, said +Mrs. Pugwash--Sally make a fire in the next room. She +ought to be proud of you, he continued. Well, if I live +to return here, I must paint your face, and have it put +on my clocks, and our folks will buy the clocks for the +sake of the face. Did you ever see, said he, again +addressing me, such a likeness between one human and +another, as between this beautiful little boy and his +mother. I am sure you have had no supper, said Mrs. +Pugwash to me; you must be hungry and weary, too--I will +get you a cup of tea. I am sorry to give you so much +trouble, said I. Not the least trouble in the world, +she replied, on the contrary a pleasure. We were then +shown into the next room, where the fire was now blazing +up, but Mr. Slick protested he could not proceed without +the little boy, and lingered behind me to ascertain his +age, and concluded by asking the child if he had any +aunts that looked like mamma. + +As the door closed, Mr. Slick said, it's a pity she don't +go well in gear. The difficulty with those critters is +to get them to start, arter that there is no trouble with +them if you don't check 'em too short If you do, they'll +stop again, run back and kick like mad, and then Old Nick +himself would'nt start 'em. Pugwash, I guess, don't +understand the natur of the critter; she'll never go kind +in harness for him. When I see a child, said the Clockmaker, +I always feel safe with these women folk; for I have +always found that the road to a woman's heart lies through +her child. + +You seem, said I, to understand the female heart so well, +I make no doubt you are a general favorite among the fair +sex. Any man, he replied, that understands horses, has +a pretty considerable fair knowledge of women, for they +are jist alike in temper, and require the very identical +same treatment. Incourage the timid ones, be gentle and +steady with the fractious, but lather the sulky ones like +blazes. People talk an everlastin sight of nonsense about +wine, women and horses. I've bought and sold 'em all, +I've traded in all of them, and I tell you, there aint +one in a thousand that knows a grain about either on 'em. +You hear folks say, oh, such a man is an ugly grained +critter--he'll break his wife's heart; jist as if a +woman's heart was as brittle as a pipe stalk. The female +heart, as far as my experience goes, is just like a new +India Rubber Shoe; you may pull and pull at it, till it +stretches out a yard long, and then let go, and it will +fly right back to its old shape. Their hearts are made +of stout leather, I tell you; there's a plaguy sight of +wear in 'em, I never knowed but one case of a broken +heart, and that was in tother sex, one Washington Banks. +He was a sneezer. He was tall enough to spit down on the +heads of your grenadiers, and near about high enough to +wade across Charlestown River, and as strong as a tow +boat. I guess he was somewhat less than a foot longer +than the moral law and catechism too. He was a perfect +pictur of a man; you could'nt falt him in no particular; +be was so just a made critter; folks used to run to the +winder when he passed, and say there goes Washington +Banks, beant he lovely? I do believe there was'nt a gall +in the Lowell factories, that warnt in love with him. +Sometimes, at intermission, on Sabbath days, when they +all came out together, (an amasin hansom sight too, near +about a whole congregation of young galls) Banks used to +say, 'I vow, young ladies, I wish I had five hundred arms +to reciprocate one with each of you; but I reckon I have +a heart big enough for you all; its a whapper, you may +depend, and every mite and morsel of it at your service.' +Well, how you do act, Mr. Banks, half a thousand little +clipper clapper tongues would say, all at the same time, +and their dear little eyes sparklin, like so many stars +twinklin of a frosty night. + +Well, when I last see'd him, he was all skin and bone, +like a horse turned out to die. He was tetotally defleshed, +a mere walkin skeleton. I am dreadful sorry, says I, to +see you, Banks, lookin so peecked; why you look like a +sick turkey hen, all legs; what on airth ails you? I am +dyin, says he, OF A BROKEN HEART. What, says I, have the +galls been jiltin you? No, no, says he, I beant such a +fool as that neither. Well, says I, have you made a bad +speculation? No, says he, shakin his head, I hope I have +too much clear grit in me to take on so bad for that. +What under the sun, is it, then? said I. Why, says he, +I made a bet the fore part of summer with Leftenant Oby +Knowles, that I could shoulder the best bower of the +Constitution frigate. I won my bet, but the Anchor was +so eternal heavy it broke my heart. Sure enough he did +die that very fall, and he was the only instance I ever +heerd tell of A BROKEN HEART. + + + + +No. XI + +Cumberland Oysters Produce Melancholy Forebodings. + +The 'soft sawder' of the Clockmaker had operated effectually +on the beauty of Amherst, our lovely hostess of Pugwash's +Inn: indeed, I am inclined to think, with Mr. Slick, that +'the road to a woman's heart lies through her child,' +from the effect produced upon her by the praises bestowed +on her infant boy. I was musing on this feminine +susceptibility to flattery, when the door opened, and +Mrs. Pugwash entered, dressed in her sweetest smiles and +her best cap, an auxiliary by no means required by her +charms, which, like an Italian sky, when unclouded, are +unrivalled in splendor. Approaching me, she said, with +an irresistible smile, would you like Mr. ---, (here +there was a pause, a hiatus, evidently intended for me +to fill up with my name; but that no person knows, nor +do I intend they shall; at Medley's Hotel, in Halifax, +I was known as the stranger in No. 1. The attention that +incognito procured for me, the importance it gave me in +the eyes of the master of the house, its lodgers and +servants, is indescribable. It is only great people who +travel incog. State travelling is inconvenient and slow; +the constant weight of form and etiquette oppresses at +once the strength and the spirits. It is pleasant to +travel unobserved, to stand at ease, or exchange the full +suit for the undress coat and fatigue jacket. Wherever +too there is mystery there is importance; there is no +knowing for whom I may be mistaken--but let me once give +my humble cognomen and occupation, and I sink immediately +to my own level, to a plebeian station and a vulgar name: +not even my beautiful hostess, nor my inquisitive friend, +the Clockmaker, who calls me 'Squire,' shall extract that +secret!) Would you like, Mr. ---. Indeed, I would, said +I, Mrs. Pugwash; pray be seated, and tell me what it is. +Would you like a dish of superior Shittyacks for supper? +Indeed I would, said I, again laughing; but pray tell me +what it is? Laws me! said she with a stare, where have +you been all your days, that you never heerd of our +Shittyack Oysters? I thought every body had heerd of +them. I beg pardon, said I, but I understood at Halifax, +that the only Oysters in this part of the world were +found on the shores of Prince Edward Island. Oh! dear +no, said our hostess, they are found all along the coast +from Shittyack, through Bay of Vartes, away up to Ramshag. +The latter we seldom get, though the best; there is no +regular conveyance, and when they do come, they are +generally shelled and in kegs, and never in good order. +I have not had a real good Ramshag in my house these two +years, since Governor Maitland was here; he was amazin +fond of them, and Lawyer Talkemdeaf sent his carriage +there on purpose to procure them fresh for him. Now we +can't GET THEM, but we have the Shittyacks in perfection; +say the word, and they shall be served up immediately. +A good dish and an unexpected dish is most acceptable, +and certainly my American friend and myself did ample +justice to the Oysters, which, if they have not so +classical a name, have quite as good a flavor as their +far famed brethren of Milton. Mr. Slick eat so heartily, +that when he resumed his conversation, he indulged in +the most melancholy forebodings. + +Did you see that are nigger, said he, that removed the +Oyster shells? well, he's one of our Chesapickers, one +of General Cuffy's slaves. I wish Admiral Cockburn had +a taken them all off our hands at the same rate. We made +a pretty good sale of them are black cattle, I guess, to +the British; I wish we were well rid of 'em all. THE +BLACKS AND THE WHITES in the States show their teeth and +snarl, they are jist ready to fall to. The PROTESTANTS +and CATHOLICS begin to lay back their ears, and turn tail +for kickin. THE ABOLITIONISTS AND PLANTERS are at it like +two bulls in a pastur. MOB LAW AND LYNCH LAW are working +like yeast in a barrell, and frothing at the bung hole. +NULLIFICATION AND TARIFF are like a charcoal pit, all +covered up, but burning inside, and sending out smoke at +every crack, enough to stifle a horse. GENERAL GOVERNMENT +AND STATE GOVERNMENT every now and then square off and +sparr, and the first blow given will bring a genuine +set-to. SURPLUS REVENUE is another bone of contention; +like a shin of beef thrown among a pack of dogs, it will +set the whole on 'em by the ears. You have heerd tell of +cotton rags dipt in turpentine, hav'nt you, how they +produce combustion? Well, I guess we have the elements +of spontaneous combustion among us in abundance; when it +does break out, if you don't see an eruption of human +gore, worse than Etna lava, then I'm mistaken. There'll +be the very devil to pay, that's a fact. I expect the +blacks will butcher the Southern whites, and the +northerners will have to turn out and butcher them again; +and all this shoot, hang, cut, stab, and burn business +will sweeten our folks' temper, as raw meat does that of +a dog--it fairly makes me sick to think on it. The +explosion may clear the air again, and all be tranquil +once more, but its an even chance if it don't leave us +the three steam boat options, to be blown sky high, to +be scalded to death or drowned. If this sad picture you +have drawn, be indeed true to nature, how does your +country, said I, appear so attractive, as to draw to it +so large a portion of our population? It tante its +attraction, said the Clockmaker, its nothin but its power +of suction; it is a great whirlpool--a great vortex--it +drags all the straw, and chips and floatin sticks, drift +wood and trash into it. The small crafts are sucked in, +and whirl round and round like a squirrel in a cage-- +they'll never come out. Bigger ones pass through at +certain times of tide, and can come in and out with good +pilotage, as they do at HELL GATE up the Sound. You +astonish me, said I, beyond measure; both your previous +conversations with me, and the concurrent testimony of +all my friends who have visited the States, give a +different view of it. YOUR FRIENDS! said the Clockmaker, +with such a tone of ineffable contempt, that I felt a +strong inclination to knock him down for his insolence +--your friends! Ensigns and leftenants, I guess, from +the British marchin regiments in the Colonies, that run +over five thousand miles of country in five weeks, on +leave of absence, and then return, lookin as wise as the +monkey that had seen the world. When they get back they +are so chock full of knowledge of the Yankees, that it +runs over of itself, like a Hogshead of molasses rolled +about in hot weather--a white froth and scum bubbles out +of the bung; wishy washy trash they call tours, sketches, +travels, letters, and what not; vapid stuff, jist sweet +enough to catch flies, cockroaches, and half fledged +galls. It puts me in mind of my French. I larnt French +at night school one winter, of our minister, Joshua +Hopewell (he was the most larned man of the age, for he +taught himself een amost every language in Europe); well, +next spring, when I went to Boston, I met a Frenchman, +and I began to jabber away French to him: 'Polly woes a +french say,' says I. I don't understand Yankee yet, says +he. You dont understand! says I, why its French. I guess +you didn't expect to hear such good French, did you, away +down east here? but we speak it real well, and its +generally allowed we speak English, too, better than the +British. Oh, says he, you one very droll Yankee, dat +very good joke, Sare; you talk Indian and call it French. +But, says I, Mister Mount shear; it is French, I vow; +real merchantable, without wainy edge or shakes--all +clear stuff; it will pass survey in any market--its ready +stuck and seasoned. Oh, very like, says he, bowin as +polite as a black waiter at New OrLEENS, very like, only +I never heerd it afore; oh, very good French dat--CLEAR +STUFF, no doubt, but I no understand--its all my fault, +I dare say, Sare. + +Thinks I to myself a nod is as good as a wink to a blind +horse, I see how the cat jumps--Minister knows so many +languages he hant been particular enough to keep 'em in +separate parcels and mark 'em on the back, and they've +got mixed, and sure enough I found my French was so +overrun with other sorts, that it was better to loose +the whole crop than to go to weedin, for as fast as I +pulled up any strange seedlin, it would grow right up +agin as quick as wink, if there was the least bit of root +in the world left in the ground, so I left it all rot on +the field. There is no way so good to larn French as to +live among 'em, and if you WANT TO UNDERSTAND US, YOU +MUST LIVE AMONG US, TOO; your Halls, Hamiltons, and De +Rouses, and such critters, what CAN they know of us? Can +a chap catch a likeness flying along a rail road? can he +even see the feature? Old Admiral Anson once axed one of +our folks afore our glorious Revolution, (if the British +had a known us a little grain better at that time, they +would'nt have got whipped like a sack as they did then) +where he came from. From the Chesapeeke, said he. Aye, +aye, said the Admiral, from the West Indies. I guess, +said the Southaner, you may have been clean ROUND THE +WORLD, Admiral, but you have been plaguy LITTLE IN IT, +not to know better nor that I shot a wild goose at River +Philip last year, with the rice of Varginey fresh in his +crops he must have cracked on near about as fast as them +other geese, the British travellers. Which know'd the +most of the country they passed over, do you suppose? I +guess it was much of a muchness--near about six of one +and a half dozen of tother; two eyes aint much better +than one, if they are both blind. + +No, if you want to know all about us and the Blue Noses +(a pretty considerable share of Yankee blood in them too, +I tell you; the old stock comes from New England, and +the breed is tolerable pure yet, near about one half +apple sarce, and tother half molasses, all except to the +Easterd, where there is a cross of the Scotch,) jist ax +me and I'll tell you candidly. I'm not one of them that +can't see no good points in my neighbor's critter, and +no bad ones in my own; I've seen too much of the world +for that, I guess. Indeed, in a general way, I praise +other folks' beasts, and keep dark about my own. Says I, +when I meet Blue Nose mounted, that's a real smart horse +of yourn, put him out, I guess he'll trot like mad. Well, +he lets him have the spur, and the critter does his best, +and then I pass him like a streak of lightning with mine. +The feller looks all taken aback at that. Why, says he, +that's a real clipper of yourn, I vow. Middlin, says I, +(quite cool, as if I had heard that are same thing a +thousand times,) he's good enough for me, jist a fair +trotter, and nothin to brag of. That goes near about as +far agin in a general way, as a crackin and a boastin +does. Never TELL folks you can go a head on 'em, but DO +it; it spares a great deal of talk, and helps them to +save their breath to cool their broth. No, if you want +to know the inns and the outs of the Yankees--I've wintered +them and summered them; I know all their points, shape, +make and breed; I've tried 'em alongside of other folks, +and I know where they fall short, where they mate 'em, +and where they have the advantage, about as well as some +who think they know a plaguy sight more. It tante them +that stare the most, that see the best always, I guess. +Our folks have their faults, and I know them, (I warnt +born blind, I reckon,) but your friends, the tour writers, +are a little grain too hard on us. Our old nigger wench +had several dirty, ugly lookin children, and was proper +cross to 'em. Mother used to say, 'Juno, its better never +to wipe a child's nose at all, I guess, than to wring it +off.' + + + + +No. XII + +The American Eagle. + +Jist look out of the door, said the Clockmaker, and see +what a beautiful night it is, how calm, how still, how +clear it is, beant it lovely?--I like to look up at them +are stars, when I am away from home, they put me in mind +of our national flag, and it is generally allowed to be +the first flag in the univarse now. The British can whip +all the world, and we can whip the British. Its near +about the prettiest sight I know of, is one of our first +class Frigates, manned with our free and enlightened +citizens all ready for sea; it is like the great American +Eagle, on its perch, balancing itself for a start on the +broad expanse of blue sky, afeared of nothin of its kind, +and president of all it surveys. It was a good emblem +that we chose, warn't it? There was no evading so direct, +and at the same time, so conceited an appeal as this. +Certainly, said I, the emblem was well chosen. I was +particularly struck with it on observing the device on +your naval buttons during the last war--an eagle with an +anchor in its claws. That was a natural idea, taken from +an ordinary occurrence: a bird purloining the anchor of +a frigate--an article so useful and necessary for the +food of its young. It was well chosen, and exhibited +great taste and judgment in the artist. The emblem is +more appropriate than you are aware of--boasting of what +you cannot perform--grasping at what you cannot attain +--an emblem of arrogance and weakness--of ill-directed +ambition and vulgar pretension. Its a common phrase, said +he, (with great composure) among seamen, to say 'damn +your buttons,' and I guess its natural for you to say so +of the buttons of our navals; I guess you have a right +to that are oath. Its a sore subject, that, I reckon, +and I believe I hadn't ought to have spoken of it to you +at all. Brag is a good dog, but hold fast is a better +one. He was evidently annoyed, and with his usual +dexterity gave vent to his feelings, by a sally upon the +Blue Noses, who he says are a cross of English and Yankee, +and therefore first cousins to us both. Perhaps, said +he, that are Eagle might with more propriety have been +taken off as perched on an anchor, instead of holding it +in his claws, and I think it would have been more nateral; +but I suppose it was some stupid foreign artist that made +that are blunder, I never seed one yet that was equal to +ourn. If that Eagle is represented as trying what HE +CAN'T DO, its an honorable ambition arter all, but these +Blue Noses wont try what THEY CAN DO. They put me in mind +of a great big hulk of a horse in a cart, that wont put +his shoulder to the collar at all for all the lambastin +in the world, but turns his head round and looks at you, +as much as to say, 'what an everlastin heavy thing an +empty cart is, isnt it?' An Owl should be their emblem, +and the motto, 'He sleeps all the days of his life.' The +whole country is like this night; beautiful to look at, +but silent as the grave--still as death, asleep, becalmed. +If the sea was always calm, said he, it would pyson the +univarse; no soul could breathe the air, it would be so +uncommon bad. Stagnant water is always unpleasant, bat +salt water when it gets tainted beats all natur; motion +keeps it sweet and wholesome, and that our minister used +to say is one of the 'wonders of the great deep.' This +province is stagnant; it tante deep like still water +neither, for its shaller enough, gracious knows, but it +is motionless, noiseless, lifeless. If you have ever been +to sea, in a calm, you'd know what a plaguy tiresome +thing it is for a man that's in a hurry. An everlastin +flappin of the sails, and a creakin of the boombs, and +an onsteady pitchin of the ship, and folks lyin about +dozin away their time, and the sea a heavin a long heavy +swell, like the breathin of the chist of some great +monster asleep. A passenger wonders the sailors are so +plagy easy about it, and he goes a lookin out east, and +a spyin out west, to see if there's any chance of a +breeze, and says to himself 'Well, if this aint dull +music its a pity.' Then how streaked he feels when he +sees a steamboat a clippin it by him like mad, and the +folks on board pokin fun at him, and askin him if he has +any word to send to home. Well, he says, if any soul ever +catches me on board a sail vessel again, when I can go +by steam, I'll give him leave to tell me of it, that's +a fact. That's partly the case here. They are becalmed, +and they see us going a head on them, till we are een +amost out of sight; yet they hant got a steamboat, and +they hant got a rail road; indeed, I doubt if one half +on em ever see'd or heerd tell of one or tother of them. +I never see'd any folks like 'em except the Indians, and +they wont even so much as look--they hav'nt the least +morsel of curiosity in the world; from which one of our +Unitarian preachers (they are dreadful hands at DOUBTIN +them. I don't DOUBT but some day or another, they will +DOUBT whether every thing aint a DOUBT) in a very learned +work, doubts whether they were ever descended from Eve +at all. Old marm Eve's children, he says, are all lost, +it is said, in consequence of TOO MUCH curiosity, while +these copper colored folks are lost from havin TOO LITTLE +little. How can they be the same? Thinks I, that may be +logic, old Dubersome, but it ant sense, don't extremes +meet? Now these Blue Noses have no motion in 'em, no +enterprise, no spirit, and if any critter shows any +symptoms of activity, they say he is a man of no judgment, +he's speculative, he's a schemer, in short he's mad. They +vegitate like a lettuce plant in sarse garden, they grow +tall and, spindlin, run to seed right off, grow as bitter +as gaul and die. + +A gall once came to our minister to hire as a house help; +says she, minister, I suppose you don't want a young lady +to do chamber business and breed worms do you? For I've +half a mind to take a spell of livin out (she meant, said +the Clockmaker, house work and rearing silk worms.) My +pretty maiden, says he, a pattin her on the cheek, (for +I've often observed old men always talk kinder pleasant +to young women,) my pretty maiden where was you brought +up? why, says she I guess I warnt brought up at all, I +growed up; under what platform, says he, (for he was very +particular that all his house helps should go to his +meetin,) under what Church platform? Church platform, +says she, with a toss of her bead, like a young colt +that's got a check of the curb, I guess I warnt raised +under a platform at all, but in as good a house as yourn, +grand as you be--you said well said the old minister, +quite shocked, when you said you growed up, dear, for +you have grown up in great ignorance. Then I guess you +had better get a lady that knows more than me, says she, +that's flat. I reckon I am every bit and grain as good +as you be--If I don't understand a bum-byx (silk worm) +both feedin, breedin, and rearin, then I want to know +who does, that's all; church platform indeed, says she, +I guess you were raised under a glass frame in March, +and transplanted on Independence day, warnt you? And off +she sot, lookin as scorney as a London lady, and leavin +the poor minister standin starin like a stuck pig. Well, +well, says he, a liftin up both hands, and turnin up the +whites of his eyes like a duck in thunder, if that don't +bang the bush!! It fearly beats sheap shearin arter the +blackberry bushes have got the wool. It does, I vow; them +are the tares them Unitarians sow in our grain fields at +night; I guess they'll ruinate the crops yet, and make +the grounds so everlastin foul; we'll have to pare the +sod and burn it, to kill the roots. Our fathers sowed +the right seed here in the wilderness, and watered it +with their tears, and watched over it with fastin and +prayer, and now its fairly run out, that's a fact, I +snore. Its got choaked up with all sorts of trash in, +natur, I declare. Dear, dear, I vow I never seed the +beat o' that in all my born days. + +Now the Blue Noses are like that are gall; they have +grown up, and grown up in ignorance of many things they +had'nt ought not to know; and its as hard to teach grown +up folks as it is to break a six year old horse; and they +do ryle one's temper so--they act so ugly that it tempts +one sometimes to break their confounded necks--its near +about as much trouble as its worth. What remedy is there +for all this supineness, said I; how can these people be +awakened out of their ignorant slothfulness, into active +exertion? The remedy, said Mr, Slick, is at hand--it is +already workin its own cure. They must recede before our +free and enlightened citizens like the Indians; our folks +will buy them out, and they must give place to a more +intelligent and ac-TIVE people. They must go to the lands +of Labrador, or be located back of Canada; they can hold +on there a few years, until the wave of civilization +reaches them, and then they must move again, as the +savages do. It is decreed; I hear the bugle of destiny +a soundin of their retreat, as plain as any thing. Congress +will give them a concession of land, if they petition, +away to Alleghany backside territory, and grant them +relief for a few years; for we are out of debt, and don't +know what to do with our surplus revenue. The only way +to shame them, that I know, would be to sarve them as +Uncle Enoch sarved a neighbor of his in Varginey. + +There was a lady that had a plantation near hand to hisn, +and there was only a small river atwixt the two houses, +So that folks could hear each other talk across it. Well, +she was a dreadful cross grained woman, a real catamount, +as savage as a she bear that has cubs, an old farrow +critter, as ugly as sin, and one that both hooked and +kicked too--a most particular onmarciful she devil, that's +a fact. She used to have some of her niggers tied up +every day, and flogged uncommon severe, and their screams +and screeches were horrid--no soul could stand it; nothin +was heerd all day, but OH LORD MISSUS! OH LORD MISSUS! +Enoch was fairly sick of the sound, for he was a tender +hearted man, and says he to her one day, 'Now do marm +find out some other place to give your cattle the cowskin, +for it worries me to hear em take on so dreadful bad--I +cant stand it, I vow; they are flesh and blood as well +as we be, though the meat is a different color' but It +was no good--she jist up and told him to mind his own +business, and she guessed she'd mind hern. He was determined +to shame her out of it; so one mornin after breakfast he +goes into the cane field, and says he to Lavender, one +of the black overseers, 'Muster up the whole gang of +slaves, every soul, and bring 'em down to the whippin +post, the whole stock of them, bulls, cows and calves. +Well, away goes Lavender, and drives up all the niggers. +Now you catch it, says he, you lazy villains; I tole you +so many a time--I tole you Massa he lose all patience +wid you, you good for nothin rascals. I grad, upon my +soul, I werry grad; you mind now what old Lavender say +anoder time. (The black overseers are always the most +cruel, said the Clockmaker; they have no sort of feeling +for their own people.) + +Well, when they were gathered there according to orders, +they looked streaked enough you may depend, thinkin they +were going to get it all round, and the wenches they fell +to a cryin, wringin their hands, and boo-hooing like mad. +Lavender was there with his cowskin, grinnin like a chessy +cat, and crackin it about, ready for business. Pick me +out, says Enoch, four that have the loudest voices; hard +matter dat, says Lavender, hard matter dat, Massa, dey +all talk loud, dey all lub talk more better nor work--de +idle villians; better gib 'em all a little tickle, jist +to teach em larf on tother side of de mouth; dat side +bran new, they never use it yet. Do as I order you, Sir, +said Uncle, or I'll have you triced up, you cruel old +rascal you. When they were picked out and sot by themselves, +they hanged their heads, and looked like sheep goin to +the shambles. Now, says Uncle Enoch, my Pickininnies, do +you sing out as loud as Niagara, at the very tip eend of +your voice-- + + Dont kill a nigger, pray, + Let him lib anoder day. + Oh Lord Missus--oh Lord Missus. + + My back be very sore, + No stand it any more, + Oh Lord Missus--oh Lord Missus. + +And all the rest of you join chorus, as loud as you can +bawl, 'Oh Lord Missus.' The black rascals understood the +joke real well. They larfed ready to split their sides; +they fairly lay down on the ground, and rolled over and +over with lafter. Well, when they came to the chorus +'Oh Lord Missus,' if they did'nt let go, its a pity. They +made the river ring agin--they were heerd clean out to +sea. All the folks ran out of the Lady's House, to see +what on airth was the matter on Uncle Enoch's plantation +--they thought there was actilly a rebellion there; but +when they listened awhile, and heerd it over and over +again, they took the hint, and returned a larfin in their +sleeves. Says they, Master Enoch Slick, he upsides with +Missus this hitch any how. Uncle never heerd any thing +more of 'Oh Lord Missus' arter that Yes, they ought to +be shamed out of it, those Blue Noses. When reason fails +to convince, there is nothin left but ridicule. If they +have no ambition, apply to their feelings, slap a blister +on their pride, and it will do the business. Its like a +puttin ginger under a horse's tail; it makes him carry +up real handSUM, I tell you. When I was a boy, I was +always late to school: well father's preachin I didn't +mind much, but I never could bear to hear mother say, +'Why Sam, are you actilly up for all day? Well, I hope +your airly risin wont hurt you, I declare. What on airth +is agoin to happen now?' Well, wonders will never cease. +It raised my dander; at last says I, 'Now, mother, don't +say that are any more for gracious sake, for it makes me +feel ugly, and I'll get up as airly as any on you,' and +so I did, and I soon found what's worth knowin in this +life, 'An airly start makes easy stages.' + + + + +No. XIII + +The Clockmaker's Opinion of Halifax. + +The next morning was warmer than several that had preceded +it. It was one of those uncommonly fine days that +distinguish an American autumn. I guess, said Mr. Slick, +the heat to-day is like a glass of Mint Julip, with a +lump of ice in it, it tastes cool and feels warm--its +real good, I tell you; I love such a day as this dearly. +Its generally allowed the finest weather in the world is +in America--there ant the beat of it to be found anywhere. +He then lighted a cigar, and throwing himself back on +his chair, put both feet out of the window, and sat with +his arms folded, a perfect picture of happiness. You +appear, said I, to have travelled over the whole of this +Province, and to have observed the country and the people +with much attention, pray what is your opinion of the +present state and future prospects of Halifax? If you +will tell me, said he, when the folks there will wake +up, then I can answer you, but they are fast asleep; as +to the Province, its a splendid province, and calculated +to go ahead, it will grow as fast as a Varginey gall, +and they grow so amazin fast, if you put your arm round +one of their necks to kiss them, by the time you're done, +they've grown up into women. It's a pretty Province I +tell you, good above and better below; surface covered +with pastures, meadows, woods, and a nation sight of +water privileges, and under the ground full of mines--it +puts me in mind of the soup at the TREE-mont House. One +day I was a walkin in the Mall, and who should I meet +but Major Bradford, a gentleman from Connecticut, that +traded in calves and pumpkins for the Boston market. Says +he, Slick, where do you get your grub to-day? At General +Peep's tavern, says I; only fit for niggers, says he, +why don't you come to the TREE-mont house, that's the +most splendid thing its generally allowed in all the +world. Why, says I, that's a notch above my mark, I guess +it's too plagy dear for me, I cant afford it no how. +Well, says he, its dear in one sense, but its dog cheap +in another--its a grand place for speculation--there's +so many rich southerners and strangers there that have +more money than wit, that you might do a pretty good +business there, without goin out of the street door. I +made two hundred dollars this mornin in little less than +half no time. There's a Carolina Lawyer there, as rich +as a bank, and says he to me arter breakfast, Major, says +he, I wish I knew where to get a real slapping trotter +of a horse, one that could trot with a flash of lightning +for a mile, and beat it by a whole neck or so. Says I, +my Lord, (for you must know, he says he's the nearest +male heir to a Scotch dormant peerage,) my Lord, says I, +I have one a proper sneezer, a chap that can go ahead of +a rail road steamer, a real natural traveller, one that +can trot with the ball out of the small eend of a rifle, +and never break into a gallop. Says he, Major, I wish +you would'nt give me that are nickname, I dont like it, +(though he looked as tickled all the time as possible,) +I never knew says he a lord that warnt a fool, that's a +fact, and that's the reason I don't go ahead and claim +the title. Well, says I, my Lord I dont know, but somehow +I cant help a thinkin, if you have a good claim, you'd +be more like a fool not to go ahead with it. Well, says +he, Lord or no Lord, let's look at your horse. So away +I went to Joe Brown's livery stable, at tother eend of +the city, and picked out the best trotter he had, and no +great stick to brag on either; says I, Joe Brown what do +you ax for that are horse? Two hundred dollars, says he; +well says I, I will take him out and try him, and if I +like him I will keep him. So I shows our Carolina Lord +the horse, and when he gets on him, says I, dont let him +trot as fast as he can, resarve that for a heat; if folks +find out how everlastin fast he is, they'd be afeared to +stump you for a start. When he returned, he said he liked +the horse amazinly, and axed the price; four hundred +dollars, says I, you cant get nothin special without a +good price, pewter cases never hold good watches; I know +it, says he, the horse is mine. Thinks I to myself, +that's more than ever I could say of him then any how. + +Well, I was goin to tell you about the soup--says the +Major its near about dinner time, jist come and see how +you like the location. There was a sight of folks there, +gentlemen and ladies in the public room (I never seed so +many afore except at commencement day,) all ready for a +start, and when the gong sounded, off we sott like a +flock of sheep. Well, if there warnt a jam you may +depend--some one give me a pull, and I near abouts went +heels up over head, so I reached out both hands, and +caught hold of the first thing I could, and what should +it be but a lady's dress--well, as I'm alive, rip went +the frock, and tare goes the petticoat, and when I righted +myself from my beam eends, away they all came home to +me, and there she was, the pretty critter, with all her +upper riggin standin as far as her waist, and nothin left +below but a short linen under garment. If she didn't +scream, its a pity, and the more she screamed the more +folks larfed, for no soul could help larfin, till one of +the waiters folded her up in a table cloth. What an +awkward devil you be, Slick, says the Major, now that +comes of not falling in first, they should have formed +four deep, rear rank in open order, and marched in to +our splendid national air, and filed off to their seats +right and left shoulders forward. I feel kinder sorry, +too, says he, for that are young heifer, but she shewed +a proper pretty leg tho' Slick, didn't she--I guess you +don't often get such a chance as that are. Well I gets +near the Major at table, and afore me stood a china +utensil with two handles, full of soup, about the size +of a foot tub, with a large silver scoop in it, near +about as big as a ladle of a maple sugar kettle. I was +jist about bailing out some soup into my dish, when the +Major said fish it up from the bottom, Slick,--well, sure +enough, I gives it a drag from the bottom, and up come +the fat pieces of turtle, and the thick rich soup, and +a sight of little forced meat balls of the size of sheep's +dung. No soul could tell how good it was--it was near +about as handSUM as father's old genuine particular cider, +and that you could feel tingle clean away down to the +tip eends of your toes. Now, says the Major, I'll give +you, Slick, a new wrinkle on your horn. Folks aint thought +nothin of unless they live at Treemont: its all the go. +Do you dine at Peep's tavern every day, and then off hot +loot to Treemont, and pick your teeth on the street steps +there, and folks will think you dine there. I do it often, +and it saves two dollars a day. Then he put his finger +on his nose, and says he, "MUM IS THE WORD." Now this +Province is jist like that are soup, good enough at top, +but dip down and you have the riches, the coal, the iron +ore, the gypsum, and what not. As for Halifax, its well +enough in itself, though no great shakes neither, a few +sizeable houses, with a proper sight of small ones, like +half a dozen old hens with their broods of young chickens; +but the people, the strange critters, they are all asleep. +They walk in their sleep, and talk in their sleep, and +what they say one day they forget the next, they say they +were dreaming. You know where Governor Campbell lives, +don't you, in a large stone house with a great wall round +it, that looks like a state prison; well, near hand there +is a nasty dirty horrid lookin buryin ground there--its +filled with large grave rats as big as kittens, and the +springs of black water there, go through the chinks of +the rocks and flow into all the wells, and fairly pyson +the folks--its a dismal place, I tell you--I wonder the +air from it don't turn all the silver in the Gineral's +house of a brass color, (and folks say he has four cart +loads of it) its so everlastin bad--its near about as +nosey as a slave ship of niggers. Well you may go there +and shake the folks to all etarnity and you wont wake +em, I guess, and yet there ant much difference atween +their sleep and the folks at Halifax, only they lie still +there and are quiet, and don't walk and talk in their +sleep like them above ground. + +Halifax reminds me of a Russian officer I once seed at +Warsaw; he had lost both arms in battle: but I guess I +must tell you first why I went there, cause that will +show you how we speculate. One Sabbath day, after bell +ringin, when most of the women had gone to meetin (for +they were great hands for pretty sarmons, and our Unitarian +ministers all preach poetry, only they leave the ryme +out, it sparkles like perry,) I goes down to East India +wharf to see Captain Zeek Hancock, of Nantucket, to +enquire how oil was, and if it it would bear doing any +thing in; when who should come along but Jabish Green. +Slick, says he, how do you do; isn't this as pretty a +day as you'll see between this and Norfolk; it whips +English weather by a long chalk; and then he looked down +at my watch seals, and looked and looked as if he thought +I'd stole 'em. At last he looks up, and says he, Slick, +I suppose you would'nt go to Warsaw, would you, if it +was made worth your while? Which Warsaw? says I, for I +believe in my heart we have a hundred of them. None of +ourn at all, says he; Warsaw in Poland. Well, I don't +know, says I; what do you call worth while? Six dollars +a day, expenses paid, and a bonus of one thousand dollars, +if speculation turns out well. I am off, says I, whenever +you say go. Tuesday, says he, in the Hamburgh packet. +Now, says he, I'm in a tarnation hurry; I'm goin a +pleasurin to-day in the Custom House Boat, along with +Josiah Bradford's galls down to Nahant. But I'll tell +you what I am at: the Emperor of Russia has ordered the +Poles to cut off their queues on the 1st of January; you +must buy them all up, and ship them off to London for +the wig makers. Human hair is scarce and risin. Lord a +massy! says I, how queer they will look, wont they. +Well, I vow, that's what the sea folks call sailing UNDER +BARE POLES, come true, aint it? I guess it will turn out +a good spec, says he; and a good one it did turn out-- +he cleared ten thousand dollars by it. When I was at +Warsaw, as I was a sayin, there was a Russian officer +there who had lost both his arms in battle; a good natured +contented critter, as I een amost ever see'd, and he was +fed with spoons by his neighbors, but arter awhile they +grew tired of it, and I guess he near about starved to +death at last. Now Halifax is like that are SPOONEY, as +I used to call him; it is fed by the outports, and they +begin to have enough to do to feed themselves--it must +larn to live without 'em. They have no river, and no +country about them; let them make a rail road to Minas +Basin, and they will have arms of their own to feed +themselves with. If they don't do it, and do it soon, I +guess they'll get into a decline that no human skill will +cure. They are proper thin now; you can count their ribs +een a most as far as you can see them. The only thing +that will either make or save Halifax, is a rail road +across the country to Bay of Fundy. + +It will do to talk of, says one; you'll see it some day +says another; yes, says a third, it will come, but we +are too young yet. Our old minister had a darter, a real +clever lookin gall as you'd see in a day's ride, and she +had two or three offers of marriage from sponsible +men--most particular good specs--but minister always said +'Phoebe, you are too young--the day will come--but you +are too young yet dear.' Well, Phoebe did'nt think so at +all; she said she guessed she knew better nor that: so +the next offer she had, she said she had no notion to +lose another chance--off she sot to Rhode Island and got +married; says she, father's too old, he don't know. That's +jist the case at Halifax. The old folks say the country +is too young--the time will come, and so on; and in the +mean time the young folks won't wait, and run off to the +States, where the maxim is, 'youth is the time for +improvement; a new country is never too young for +exertion--push on--keep movin--go ahead.' Darn it all, +said the Clockmaker, rising with great animation, clinching +his fist, and extending his arm--darn it all, it fairly +makes my dander rise, to see the nasty idle loungin good +for nothin do little critters--they aint fit to tend a +bear trap, I vow. They ought to be quilted round and +round a room, like a lady's lap dog, the matter of two +hours a day, to keep them from dyin of apoplexy. Hush, +hush, said I, Mr. Slick, you forget. Well, said he, +resuming his usual composure--well, it's enough to make +one vexed though, I declare--is'nt it? + +Mr. Slick has often alluded to this subject, and always +in a most decided manner; I am inclined to think he is +right. Mr. Howe's papers on the rail road I read till I +came to his calculations, but I never could read figures, +'I can't cypher,' and there I paused; it was a barrier: +I retreated a few paces, took a running leap, and cleared +the whole of them. Mr. Slick says he has UNDER and not +OVER rated its advantages. He appears to be such a shrewd, +observing, intelligent man, and so perfectly at home on +these subjects, that I confess I have more faith in this +humble but eccentric Clockmaker, than in any other man +I have met with in this Province. I therefore pronounce +'there will be a rail road.' + +No. XIV + +Sayings and Doings in Cumberland. + +I reckon, said the Clockmaker, as we strolled through +Amherst, you have read Hook's story of the boy that one +day asked one of his father's guests who his next door +neighbor was, and when he heerd his name, asked him if +he warnt a fool. No, my little feller, said he, he beant +a fool, he is a most particular sensible man; but why +did you ax that are question? Why, said the little boy, +mother said tother day you were next door to a fool, and +I wanted to know who lived next door to you. His mother +felt pretty ugly, I guess, when she heerd him run right +slap on that are breaker. Now these Cumberland folks have +curious next door neighbors, too; they are placed by +their location right atwixt fire and water; they have +New Brunswick politics on one side, and Nova Scotia +politics on tother side of them, and Bay Fundy and Bay +Varte on tother two sides; they are actilly in hot water; +they are up to their croopers in politics, and great +hands for talking of House of Assembly, political Unions, +and what not. Like all folks who wade so deep, they can't +always tell the natur of the ford. Sometimes they strike +their shins agin a snag of a rock; at other times they +go whap into a quicksand, and if they don't take special +care they are apt to go souse over head and ears into +deep water. I guess if they'd talk more of ROTATIONS, +and less of ELECTIONS, more of them are DYKES, and less +of BANKS, and attend more to TOP-DRESSING, and lees to +RE-DRESSING, it ed be better for 'em. Now you mention +the subject, I think I have observed, said I, that there +is a great change in your countrymen in that respect. +Formerly, whenever you met an American, you had a dish +of politics set before you, whether you had an appetite +for it or not; but lately I have remarked they seldom +allude to it. Pray to what is this attributable? I guess, +said he, they have enough of it to home, and are sick of +the subject. They are cured the way our pastry cooks cure +their prentices of stealing sweet notions out of their +shops. When they get a new prentice they tell him he must +never so much as look at all them are nice things; and +if he dares to lay the weight of his finger upon one of +them, they'll have him up for it before a justice; they +tell him its every bit and grain as bad as stealing from +a till. Well, that's sure to set him at it, just as a +high fence does a breachy ox, first to look over it, and +then to push it down with its rump; its human natur. +Well, the boy eats and eats till he cant eat no longer, +and then he gets sick at his stomach, and hates the very +sight of sweetmeats arterwards. We've had politics with +us, till we're dog sick of 'em, I tell you. Besides, I +guess we are as far from perfection as when we set out +a roin for it. You may get PURITY OF ELECTION, but how +are you to get PURITY OF MEMBERS? It would take a great +deal of cyphering to tell that. I never see'd it yet, +and never heerd tell of one who had see'd it. The best +member I een amost ever seed was John Adams. Well, John +Adams could no more plough a straight furrow in politics +than he could haul the plough himself. He might set out +straight at beginnin for a little way, but he was sure +to get crooked afore he got to the eend of the ridge--and +sometimes he would have two or three crooks in it. I used +to say to him, how on airth is it, Mr. Adams, (for he +was no way proud like, though he was president of our +great nation--and it is allowed to be the greatest nation +in the world, too--for you might see him sometimes of an +arternoon, a swimmin along with the boys in the Potomac; +I do believe that's the way he larned to give the folks +the dodge so spry;) well, I used to say to him, how on +airth is it, Mr. Adams, you can't make straight work on +it? He was a grand hand at an excuse, (though minister +used to say that folks that were good at an excuse, were +seldom good for nothin else); sometimes, he said, the +ground was so tarnation stony, it throwed the plough out; +at other times he said the off ox was such an ugly wilful +tempered critter, there was no doin nothin with him; or +that there was so much machinery about the plough, it +made it plagy hard to steer; or may be it was the fault +of them that went afore him, that they laid it down so +bad; unless he was hired for another term of four years, +the work wouldn't look well; and if all them are excuses +wouldn't do, why he would take to scolding the nigger +that drove the team--throw all the blame on him, and +order him to have an everlastin lacin with the cowskin. +You might as well catch a weazel asleep as catch him. He +had somethin the matter with one eye--well, he knew I +know'd that when I was a boy; so one day, a feller +presented a petition to him, and he told him it was very +affectin. Says he, it fairly draws tears from me, and +his weak eye took to lettin off its water like statiee +so as soon as the chap went, he winks to me with tother +one, quite knowin, as much as to say, YOU SEE ITS ALL IN +MY EYE, Slick, but don't let on to any one about it, that +I said so. That eye was a regular cheat, a complete New +England wooden nutmeg. Folks said Mr. Adams was a very +tender hearted man. Perhaps he was, but I guess that eye +didn't pump its water out o' that place. + +Members in general aint to be depended on, I tell you. +Politics makes a man as crooked as a pack does a pedlar; +not that they are so awful heavy, neither, but it TEACHES +A MAN TO STOOP IN THE LONG RUN. Arter all, there's not +that difference in 'em (at least there aint in Congress) +one would think, for if one of them is clear of one vice, +why, as like as not, he has another fault just as bad. +An honest farmer, like one of these Cumberland folks, +when he goes to choose atwixt two that offers for votes, +is jist like the flying fish. That are little critter is +not content to stay to home in the water, and mind its +business, but he must try his hand at flyin, and he is +no great dab at flyin, neither. Well, the moment he's +out of water, and takes to flyin, the sea fowl are arter +him, and let him have it; and if he has the good luck to +escape them, and makes a dive into the sea, the dolphin, +as like as not, has a dig at him, that knocks more wind +out of him than he got while aping the birds, a plagy +sight. I guess the Blue Noses know jist about as much +about politics as this foolish fish knows about flyin. +All critters in natur are better in their own element. + +It beats cock fightin, I tell you, to hear the Blue Noses, +when they get together, talk politics. They have got +three or four evil spirits, like the Irish Banshees, that +they say cause all the mischief in the Province--the +Council, the Banks, the House of Assembly and the Lawyers. +If a man places a higher valiation on himself than his +neighbors do, and wants to be a magistrate before he is +fit to carry the ink horn for one, and finds himself +safely delivered of a mistake, he says it is all owing +to the Council. The members are cunnin critters, too; +they know this feelin, and when they come home from +Assembly, and people ax 'em "where are all them are fine +things you promised us?" why, they say, we'd a had 'em +all for you, but for that etarnal Council, they nullified +all we did. The country will come to no good till them +chaps show their respect for it, by covering their bottoms +with homespun. If a man is so tarnation lazy he wont +work, and in course has no money, why he says its all +owin to the banks, they wont discount, there's no money, +they've ruined the Province. If there beant a road made +up to every citizen's door, away back to the woods (who +as like as not has squatted there) why he says the House +of Assembly have voted all the money to pay great men's +salaries, and there's nothin left for poor settlers, and +cross roads. Well, the lawyers come in for their share +of cake and ale, too; if they don't catch it, its a pity. + +There was one Jim Munroe of Onion County, Connecticut, +a desperate idle fellow, a great hand at singin songs, +a skatin, drivin about with the galls, and so on. Well, +if any body's windows were broke, it was Jim Munroe--and +if there were any youngsters in want of a father, they +were sure to be poor Jim's. Jist so it is with the lawyers +here; they stand Godfathers for every misfortune that +happens in the country. When there is a mad dog a goin +about, every dog that barks is said to be bit by the mad +one, so he gets credit for all the mischief that every +dog does for three months to come. So every feller that +goes yelpin home from a court house, smartin from the +law, swears he is bit by a lawyer. Now there may be +something wrong in all these things, (and it cant be +otherwise in natur) in Council, Banks, House of Assembly, +and Lawyers: but change them all, and its an even chance +if you don't get worse ones in their room. It is in +politics as in horses; when a man has a beast that's near +about up to the notch, he'd better not swap him; if he +does, he's een amost sure to get one not so good as his +own. My rule is, I'd rather keep a critter whose faults +I do know, than change him for a beast whose faults I +dont know. + +No. XV + +The Dancing Master Abroad. + +I wish that are black heifer in the kitchen would give +over singing that are everlastin dismal tune, said the +Clockmaker, it makes my head ache. You've heerd a song +afore now, said he, hav'nt you, till you was fairly sick +of it? for I have, I vow. The last time I was in Rhode +Island, (all the galls sing there, and its generally +allowed there's no such singers any where; they beat the +EYE-talians a long chalk--they sing so high some on em, +they go clear out o' hearin sometimes, like a lark) well, +you heerd nothin but 'Oh no, we never mention her,' well, +I grew so plaguy tired of it, I used to say to myself, +I'd sooner see it, than heer tell of it, I vow, I wish +to gracious you 'would never mention her,' for it makes +me feel ugly to hear that same thing for ever and ever +and amen that way. Well, they've got a cant phrase here, +'the schoolmaster is abroad,' and every feller tells you +that fifty times a day. There was a chap said to me not +long ago, at Truro, Mr. Slick, this Country is rapidly +improving, 'the schoolmaster is abroad now,' and he looked +as knowin as though he had found a mate's nest. So I +should think, said I, and it would jist be about as well, +I guess, if he'd stay to home and mind his business, for +your folks are so consoomedly ignorant, I reckon he's +abroad een amost all his time. I hope when he returns, +he'll be the better of his travels, and that's more nor +many of our young folks are who go 'abroad,' for they +import more airs and nonsense, than they dispose of one +while, I tell you--some of the stock remains on hand all +the rest of their lives. There's nothin I hate so much +as cant, of all kinds, its a sure sign of a tricky +disposition. If you see a feller cant in religion, clap +your hand into your pocket, and lay right hold of your +puss, or he'll steal it as sure as you're alive; and if +a man cant in politics, he'll sell you if he gets a +chance, you may depend. Law and physic are jist the same, +and every mite and morsel as bad. If a lawyer takes to +cantin, its like the fox preachin to the geese, he'll +eat up his whole congregation; and if a doctor takes to +it, he's a quack as sure as rates. The Lord have massy +on you, for he wont. I'd sooner trust my chance with a +naked hook any time, than one that's half covered with +bad bait. The fish will sometimes swaller the one, without +thinkin, but they get frightened at tother, turn tail +and off like a shot. Now, to change the tune, I'll give +the Blue Noses a new phrase. They'll have an election +most likely next year, and then 'the dancin master will +be abroad.' A candidate is a most particular polite man, +a noddin here, and a bowin there, and a shakin hands all +round. Nothin improves a man's manners like an election. +'The dancin master's abroad then;' nothin gives the paces +equal to that, it makes them as squirmy as an eel, they +cross hands and back agin, set to their partners and +right and left in great style, and slick it off at the +eend, with a real complete bow, and a smile for all the +world as sweet as a cat makes at a pan of new milk. Then +they get as full of compliments as a dog is full of +fleas--enquirin how the old lady is to home, and the +little boy that made such a wonderful smart answer, they +never can forget it till next time; a praisin a man's +farm to the nines, and a tellin of him, how scandalous +the road that leads to his location has been neglected, +and how much he wants to find a real complete hand that +can build a bridge over his brook, and axin him if HE +ever built one. When he gets the hook baited with the +right fly, and the simple critter begins to jump out of +water arter it, all mouth and gills, he winds up the +reel, and takes leave, a thinkin to himself 'now you see +what's to the eend of my line, I guess I'll know where +to find you when I want you.' + +There's no sort of fishin requires so much practice as +this. When bait is scarce one worm must answer for several +fish. A handful of oats in a pan, arter it brings one +horse up in a pastur for the bridle, serves for another, +a shakin of it, is better than a givin of it, it saves +the grain for another time. It's a poor business arter +all is electioneering, and when 'the Dancin Master is +abroad,' he's as apt to teach a man to cut capers and +get larfed at as any thing else. It tante every one that's +soople enough to dance real complete. Politicks take a +great deal of time, and grinds away a man's honesty near +about as fast as cleaning a knife with brick dust, 'it +takes its steel out.' What does a critter get arter all +for it in this country, why nothin but expense and +disappointment. As King Solomon says, (and that are man +was up to a thing or two, you may depend, tho' our +professor did say he warn't so knowin as Uncle Sam,) it's +all vanity and vexation of spirit. + +I raised a four year old colt once, half blood, a perfect +pictur of a horse, and a genuine clipper, could gallop +like the wind; a real daisy, a perfect doll, had an eye +like a weasel, and nostril like Commodore Rodgers's +speakin trumpet. Well, I took it down to the races at +New York, and father he went along with me; for says he, +Sam, you don't know every thing, I guess, you hant cut +your wisdom teeth yet, and you are goin among them that's +had 'em through their gums this while past. Well, when +we gets to the races, father he gets colt and puts him +in an old waggon, with a worn out Dutch harness, and +breast band; he looked like Old Nick, that's a fact. Then +he fastened a head martingale on, and buckled it to the +girths atwixt his fore legs. Says I, father, what on +airth are you at? I vow I feel ashamed to be seen with +such a catamaran as that, and colt looks like old Saytan +himself--no soul would know him. I guess I warn't born +yesterday, says he, let me be, I know what I am at. I +guess I'll slip it into 'em afore I've done as slick as +a whistle. I guess I can see as far into a mill stone +as the best on 'em. Well, father never entered the horse +at all, but stood by and see'd the races, and the winnin +horse was followed about by the matter of two or three +thousand people, a praisin of him and admirin him. They +seemed as if they never had see'd a horse afore. The +owner of him was all up on eend a boastin of him, and a +stumpin the course to produce a horse to run agin him +for four hundred dollars. Father goes up to him, lookin +as soft as dough, and as meechin as you please, and says +he, friend, it tante every one that has four hundred +dollars--its a plaguy sight of money, I tell you; would +you run for one hundred dollars, and give me a little +start? if you would, I'd try my colt out of my old waggon +agin you, I vow. Let's look at your horse, says he; so +away they went, and a proper sight of people arter them +to look at colt, and when they see'd him they sot up such +a larf, I felt een a most ready to cry for spite. Says +I to myself; what can possess the old man to act arter +that fashion, I do believe he has taken leave of his +senses. You need'nt larf, says Father, he's smarter than +he looks; our Minister's old horse, Captain Jack, is +reckoned as quick a beast of his age as any in our +location, and that are colt can beat him for a lick of +a quarter of a mile quite easy--I see'd it myself. Well, +they larfed agin louder than before, and says father, if +you dispute my word, try me; what odds will you give? +Two to one, says the owner--800 to 400 dollars. Well, +that's a great deal of money, aint it, says father, if +I was to lose it I'd look pretty foolish, would'nt I. +How folks would pass their jokes at me when I went home +again. You would'nt take that are waggon and harness +for fifty dollars of it, would you? says he. Well, says +the other, sooner than disappoint you, as you seem to +have set your mind on losing your money, I don't care if +I do. + +As soon as it was settled, father drives off to the +stables, and then returns mounted, with a red silk pocket +handkerchief tied round his head, and colt a looking like +himself as proud as a nabob, chock full of spring like +the wire eend of a bran new pair of trowser galluses--one +said that's a plaguy nice lookin colt that old feller +has arter all, that horse will show play for it yet, says +a third; and I heard one feller say, I guess that's a +regular Yankee trick, a complete take in. They had a +fair start for it, and off they sot, father took the lead +and kept it, and won the race, tho' it was a pretty tight +scratch, for father was too old to ride colt, he was near +about the matter of seventy years old. Well when the colt +was walked round after the race, there was an amasin +crowd arter him, and several wanted to buy him; but, says +father, how am I to get home without him, and what shall +I do with that are waggon and harness so far as I be from +Slickville. So he kept them in talk, till he felt their +pulses pretty well, and at last he closed with a Southerner +for 700 dollars, and we returned, having made a considerable +good spec of colt. Says father to me, Sam says he, you +seed the crowd a follerin the winnin horse, when we came +there, did'nt you? yes Sir, said I, I did. Well, when +colt beat him, no one follered him at all, but come a +crowded about HIM. That's popularity, said he, soon won, +soon lost--cried up sky high one minute, and deserted +the next or run down; colt will share the same fate. +He'll get beat afore long, and then he's done for. The +multitude are always fickle minded. Our great Washington +found that out, and the British officer that beat +Bounaparte, the bread they gave him turned sour afore he +got half through the loaf. His soap had hardly stiffened +afore it ran right back to lye and grease agin. I was +sarved the same way, I liked to have missed my pension, +the Committee said I warn't at Bunker's hill at all, the +villans. That was a Glo---, (thinks I, old boy, if you +once get into that are field, you'll race longer than +colt, a plaguy sight; you'll run clear away to the fence +to the far eend afore you stop, so I jist cut in and took +a hand myself,) yes, says I, you did 'em father, properly, +that old waggon was a bright scheme, it led 'em on till +you got 'em on the right spot, did'nt it? Says father, +THERE'S A MORAL SAM, IN EVERY THING IN NATUR. Never have +nothin to do with elections, you see the valy of popularity +in the case of that are horse--sarve the public 999 times, +and the 1,000th, if they don't agree with you, they desart +and abuse you--see how they sarved old John Adams, see +how they let Jefferson starve in his old age, see how +good old Munroe like to have got right into Jail, after +his term of President was up. They may talk of independence, +says father, but Sam, I'll tell you what independence +is, and he gave his hands a slap agin his trowses pocket, +and made the gold eagles he won at the race all jingle +agin; THAT, says he, giving them another wipe with his +fist, (and winkin as much as to say do you hear that my +boy) THAT I CALL INDEPENDENCE. He was in great spirits, +the old man, he was so proud of winnin the race, and +puttin the leake into the New Yorkers--he looked all +dander. Let them great hungry, ill favored, long legged +bitterns, says he, (only he called them by another name +that don't sound quite pretty) from the outlandish states +to Congress, TALK ABOUT independence; but Sam, said he, +(hitting the Shiners agin till be made them dance right +up an eend in his pocket) I LIKE TO FEEL IT. + +No Sam, said be, line the pocket well first, make that +independent, and then the spirit will be like a horse +turned out to grass in the spring, for the first time, +he's all head and tail, a snortin and kickin and racin +and carryin on like mad--it soon gets independent too. +While it's in the stall it may hold up, and paw, and +whiner, and feel as spry as any thing, but the leather +strap keeps it to the manger, and the lead weight to the +eend of it makes it hold down its head at last. No, says +he, here's independence, and he gave the Eagles such a +drive with his fist, he bust his pocket and sent a whole +raft of them a spinnin down his leg to the ground--says +I, father, (and I swear I could hardly keep from larfin, +he looked so peskily vexed) Father, says I, I guess +there's a moral in that are too--EXTREMES NARY WAY ARE +NONE O' THE BEST. Well, well, says he, (kinder snappishly) +I suppose you're half right, Sam, but weve said enough +about it, let's drop the subject, and see if I have picked +em all up, for my eyes are none of the best now, I'm near +hand to seventy. + + + + +No. XVI + +Mr. Slick's Opinion of the British. + +What success had you, said I, in the sale of your Clocks +among the Scotch in the eastern part of the Province? do +you find them as gullible as the Blue Noses? Well, said +he, you have heerd tell that a Yankee never answers one +question, without axing another, havent you? Did you ever +see an English Stage Driver make a bow? because if you +hante observed it, I have, and a queer one it is, I swan. +He brings his right arm up, jist across his face, and +passes on, with a knowin nod of his head, as much as to +say, how do you do? but keep clear o' my wheels, or I'll +fetch your horses a lick in the mouth as sure as youre +born; jist as a bear puts up his paw to fend off the blow +of a stick from his nose. Well, that's the way I pass +them are bare breeched Scotchmen. Lord, if they were +located down in these here Cumberland mashes, how the +musquitoes would tickle them up, would'nt they? They'd +set 'em scratching thereabouts, as an Irishman does his +head, when he's in sarch of a lie. Them are fellers cut +their eye teeth afore they ever sot foot in this country, +I expect. When they get a bawbee, they know what to do +with it, that's a fact; they open their pouch and drop +it in, and its got a spring like a fox trap--it holds +fast to all it gets, like grim death to a dead nigger. +They are proper skin flints, you may depend. Oatmeal is +no great shakes at best; it tante even as good for a +horse as real yeller Varginey corn, but I guess I warnt +long in finding out that the grits hardly pay for the +riddlin. No, a Yankee has as little chance among them as +a Jew has in New England; the sooner he clears out, the +better. You can no more put a leake into them, than you +can send a chisel into Teake wood--it turns the edge of +the tool the first drive. If the Blue Noses knew the +value of money as well as they do, they'd have more cash, +and fewer Clocks and tin reflectors, I reckon. Now, its +different with the Irish; they never carry a puss, for +they never have a cent to put in it. They are always in +love or in liquor, or else in a row; they are the merriest +shavers I ever seed. Judge Beeler, I dare say you have +heerd tell of him--he's a funny feller--he put a notice +over his factory gate at Lowell, 'no cigars or Irishmen +admitted within these walls;' for, said he, the one will +set a flame agoin among my cottons, and t'other among my +galls. I wont have no such inflammable and dangerous +things about me on no account. When the British wanted +our folks to join in the treaty to chock the wheels of +the slave trade, I recollect hearin old John Adams say, +we had ought to humor them; for, says he, they supply us +with labor on easier terms, by shippin out the Irish. +Says he, they work better, and they work cheaper, and +they don't live so long. The blacks, when they are past +work hang on for ever, and a proper bill of expence they +be; but hot weather and new rum rub out the poor rates +for tother ones. The English are the boys for tradin +with; they shell out their cash like a sheef of wheat in +frosty weather--it flies all over the thrashin floor; +but then they are a cross grained, ungainly, kicken breed +of cattle, as I een a most ever see'd. Whoever gave them +the name of John Bull, knew what he was about, I tell +you; for they are bull-necked, bull-headed folks, I vow; +sulky, ugly tempered, vicious critters, a pawin and a +roarin the whole time, and plaguy onsafe unless well +watched. They are as headstrong as mules, and as conceited +as peacocks. + +The astonishment with which I heard this tirade against +my countrymen, absorbed every feeling of resentment. I +listened with amazement at the perfect composure with +which he uttered it. He treated it as one of those self +evident truths, that need neither proof nor apology, but +as a thing well known and admitted by all mankind. There's +no richer sight that I know of, said he, than to see one +on 'em when he first lands in one of our great cities. +He swells out as big as a balloon, his skin is ready to +bust with wind--a regular walking bag of gas; and he +prances over the pavement like a bear over hot iron--a +great awkward hulk of a feller, (for they aint to be +compared to the French in manners) a smirkin at you, as +much as to say, 'look here, Jonathan, here's an Englishman; +here's a boy that's got blood as pure as a Norman pirate, +and lots of the blunt of both kinds, a pocket full of +one, and a mouthfull of tother; beant he lovely?' and +then he looks as fierce as a tiger, as much as to say, +'say boo TO A GOOSE, if you dare.' No, I believe we may +stump the Univarse; we improve on every thing, and we +have improved on our own species. You'll sarch one while, +I tell you, afore you'll find a man that, take him by +and large, is equal to one of our free and enlightened +citizens. He's the chap that has both speed, wind and +bottom; he's clear grit--ginger to the back bone, you +may depend. Its generally allowed there aint the beat +of them to be found any where. Spry as a fox, supple as +an eel, and cute as a weasel. Though I say it that +should'nt say it, they fairly take the shine off +creation--they are actilly equal to cash. + +He looked like a man who felt that he had expressed +himself so aptly and so well, that any thing additional +would only weaken its effect; he therefore changed the +conversation immediately, by pointing to a tree at some +little distance from the house, and remarking that it +was the rock maple or sugar tree. Its a pretty tree, said +he, and a profitable one too to raise. It will bear +tapping for many years, tho' it gets exhausted at last. +This Province is like that are tree, it is tapped till +it begins to die at the top, and if they dont drive in +a spile and stop the everlastin flow of the sap, it will +perish altogether. All the money that's made here, all +the interest that's paid in it, and a pretty considerable +portion of rent too, all goes abroad for investment, and +the rest is sent to us to buy bread. Its drained like +a bog, it has opened and covered trenches all through +it, and then there's others to the foot of the upland to +cut off the springs. Now you may make even a bog too dry; +you may take the moisture out to that degree, that the +very sile becomes dust and blows away. The English funds, +and our banks, rail roads, and canals, are all absorbing +your capital like a spunge, and will lick it up as fast +as you can make it. That very Bridge we heerd of at +Windsor, is owned in New Brunswick, and will pay tole to +that province. The capitalists of Nova Scotia treat it +like a hired house, they wont keep it in repair; they +neither paint it to preserve the boards, nor stop a leak +to keep the frame from rottin; but let it go to wrack +sooner than drive a nail or put in a pane of glass. It +will sarve our turn out they say. There's neither spirit, +enterprise, nor patriotism here; but the whole country +is as inactive as a bear in winter, that does nothin but +scroutch up in his den, a thinkin to himself, "well if +I ant an unfortunate divil, it's a pity; I have a most +splendid warm coat as are a gentleman in these here woods, +let him be who he will; but I got no socks to my feet, +and have to sit for everlastingly a suckin of my paws to +keep 'em warm; if it warn't for that, I guess, I'd make +some o' them chaps that have hoofs to their feet and +horns to their heads, look about them pretty sharp, I +know." It's dismal now, aint it? If I had the framin of +the Governor's message, if I would'nt shew 'em how to +put timber together you may depend, I'd make them scratch +their heads and stare, I know. I went down to Matanzas +in the Fulton Steam Boat once--well, it was the first of +the kind they ever see'd, and proper scared they were to +see a vessel, without sails or oars, goin right straight +ahead, nine knots an hour, in the very wind's eye, and +a great streak of smoke arter her as long as the tail of +a Comet. I believe they thought it was old Nick alive, a +treatin him self to a swim. You could see the niggers a +clippin it away from the shore, for dear life, and the +soldiers a movin about as if they thought that we were +a goin to take the whole country. Presently a little half +starved orange-coloured looking Spanish officer, all +dressed off in his livery, as fine as a fiddle, came off +with two men in a boat to board us. Well, we yawed once +or twice, and motioned to him to keep off for fear he +should get hurt; but be came right on afore the wheel, +and I hope I may be shot if the paddle did'nt strike the +bow of the boat with that force, it knocked up the starn +like a plank tilt, when one of the boys playing on it is +heavier than t'other; and chucked him right atop of the +wheel house--you never see'd a feller in such a dunderment +in your life. He had picked up a little English from +seein our folks there so much, and when he got up, the +first thing he said was,' Damn all sheenery, I say, +where's my boat?' and he looked round as if he thought +it had jumped on board too. Your boat, said the Captain, +why I expect it's gone to the bottom, and your men have +gone down to look arter it, for we never see'd or heerd +tell of one or t'other of them arter the boat was struck. +Yes, I'd make 'em stare like that are Spanish officer, +as if they had see'd out of their eyes for the first +time. Governor Campbell did'nt expect to see such a +country as this, when he came here, I reckon; I know he +did'nt. When I was a little boy, about knee high or so, +and lived down Connecticut river, mother used to say, +Sam, if you don't give over acting so like old Scratch, +I'll send you off to Nova-Scotia as sure as you are born; +I will, I vow. Well, Lord, how that are used to frighten +me; it made my hair stand right up an eend, like a cat's +back when she is wrathy; it made me drop it as quick as +wink--like a tin night cap put on a dipt candle agoin to +bed, it put the fun right out. Neighbour Dearborn's darter +married a gentleman to Yarmouth, that speculates in the +smugglin line; well, when she went on board to sail down +to Nova-Scotia, all her folks took on as if it was a +funeral; they said she was goin to be buried alive like +the nuns in Portengale that get a frolickin, break out +of the pastur, and race off, and get catched and brought +back agin. Says the old Colonel, her father. Deliverance, +my dear, I would sooner foller you to your grave, for +that would be an eend to your troubles, than to see you +go off to that dismal country, that's nothin but an +iceberg aground; and he howled as loud as an Irishman +that tries to wake his wife when she is dead. Awful +accounts we have of the country, that's a fact; but if +the Province is not so bad as they make it out, the folks +are a thousand times worse. You've seen a flock of +partridges of a frosty mornin in the fall, a crowdin out +of the shade to a sunny spot, and huddlin up there in +the warmth--well, the Blue Noses have nothin else to do +half the time but sun themselves. Whose fault is that? +Why it's the fault of the legislature; they don't encourage +internal improvement, nor the investment of capital in +the country: and the result is apathy, inaction and +poverty. They spend three months in Halifax, and what do +they do? Father gave me a dollar once, to go to the fair +at Hartford, and when I came back, says he, Sam, what +have you got to show for it? Now I ax what have they to +show for their three months' setting? They mislead folks; +they make 'em believe all the use of the Assembly is to +bark at Councillors, Judges, Bankers, and such cattle, +to keep 'em from eatin up the crops; and it actilly costs +more to feed them when they are watchin, than all the +others could eat if they did break a fence and get in. +Indeed some folks say they are the most breachy of the +two, and ought to go to pound themselves. If their fences +are good them hungry cattle could'nt break through; and +if they aint, they ought to stake 'em up, and with them +well; but it's no use to make fences unless the land is +cultivated. If I see a farm all gone to wrack, I say +here's bad husbandry and bad management; and if I see a +Province like this, of great capacity, and great natural +resources, poverty-stricken, I say there's bad legislation. +No, said he, (with an air of more seriousness than I had +yet observed,) How much it is to be regretted, that, +laying aside personal attacks and petty jealousies, they +would not unite as one man, and with one mind and one +heart apply themselves sedulously to the internal +improvement and developement of this beautiful Province. +Its value is utterly unknown, either to the general or +local Government, and the only persons who duly appreciate +it, are the Yankees. + + + + +No. XVII + +A Yankee Handle for a Halifax Blade. + +I met a man this mornin, said the Clock Maker, from +Halifax, a real conceited lookin critter as you een a +most ever seed, all shines and didos. He looked as if he +had picked up his airs, arter some officer of the regilars +had worn 'em out and cast 'em off. They sot on him like +second hand clothes, as if they had'nt been made for him +and did'nt exactly fit. He looked fine, but awkward, like +a captain of militia, when he gets his uniform on, to +play sodger; a thinkin himself mighty handSUM, and that +all the world is a lookin at him. He marched up and down +afore the street door like a peacock, as large as life +and twice as natural; he had a riding whip in his hand +and every now and then struck it agin his thigh, as much +as to say, aint that a splendid leg for a boot, now? Wont +I astonish the Amherst folks, that's all? thinks I you +are a pretty blade, aint you? I'd like to fit a Yankee +handle on to you, that's a fact. When I came up, he held +up his head near about as high as a Shot factory, and +stood with his fists on his hips, and eyed me from head +to foot, as a shakin quaker does a town lady: as much as +to say what a queer critter you be, that's toggery I +never seed afore, you're some carnal minded maiden, that's +sartain. Well, says he to me, with the air of a man that +chucks a cent into a beggar's hat, "a fine day this, +Sir;" do you actilly think so, said I? and I gave it the +real Connecticut drawl. Why, said he, quite short, if I +did'nt think so, I would'nt say so. Well, says I, I +don't know, but if I did think so, I guess I would'nt +say so; why not? says he--because, I expect, says I, any +fool could see that as well as me; and then I stared at +him, as much as to say, now if you like that are swap, +I am ready to trade with you agin as soon as you like. +Well he turned right round on his heel and walked off, +a whistlin Yankee Doodle to himself. He looked jist like +a man that finds whistlin a plaguy sight easier than +thinkin. Presently, I heard him ax the groom who that +are Yankee lookin feller was. That, said the groom, why, +I guess its Mr. Slick. Sho!! said he, how you talk. +What, Slick the Clockmaker, why it ant possible; I wish +I had a known that are afore, I declare, for I have a +great curiosity to see HIM, folks say he is an amazin +clever feller that, and he turned and stared, as if it +was old Hickory himself. Then he walked round and about +like a pig, round the fence of a potatoe field, a watchin +for a chance to cut in; so, thinks I, I'll jist give him +something to talk about, when he gets back to the city, +I'll fix a Yankee handle on to him in no time. How's +times to Halifax, Sir, said I--better, says he, much +better, business is done on a surer bottom than it was, +and things look bright agin; so does a candle, says I, +jist afore it goes out; it burns up ever so high and then +sinks right down, and leaves nothin behind but grease, +and an everlastin bad smell. I guess they don't know how +to feed their lamp, and it can't burn long on nothin. +No, Sir, the jig is up with Halifax, and it's all their +own fault. If a man sits at his door, and sees stray +cattle in his field, a eatin up of his crop, and his +neighbours, a cartin off his grain, and won't so much as +go and drive 'em out, why I should say it sarves him +right. I don't exactly understand, Sir, said he--thinks +I, it would be strange if you did, for I never see one +of your folks yet that could understand a hawk from a +handsaw. Well, says I, I will tell you what I mean--draw +a line from Cape Sable to Cape Cansoo, right thro' the +Province, and it will split it into two, this way, and +I cut an apple into two halves; now, says I, the worst +half, like the rotten half of the apple, belongs to +Halifax, and the other and sound half belongs to St. +John. Your side of the province on the sea coast is all +stone--I never seed such a pro per sight of rocks in my +life, it's enough to starve a rabbit. Well, tother side +on the Bay of Fundy is a superfine country, there aint +the beat of it to be found any where. Now, would'nt the +folks living away up to the Bay, be pretty fools to go +to Halifax, when they can go to St. John with half the +trouble. St. John is the natural capital of the Bay of +Fundy, it will be the largest city in America next to +New York. It has an immense back country as big as Great +Britain, a first chop river, and amazin sharp folks, most +as cute as the Yankees--it's a splendid location for +business. Well, they draw all the produce of the Bay +shores, and where the produce goes the supplies return-- +it will take the whole trade of the Province; I guess +your rich folks will find they've burnt their fingers, +they've put their foot in it, that's a fact. Houses with +out tenants--wharves without shipping, a town without +people--what a grand investment!! If you have any loose +dollars, let 'em out on mortgage in Halifax, that's the +security--keep clear of the country for your life--the +people may run, but the town can't. No, take away the +troops, and you're done--you'll sing the dead march folks +did at Louisburg and Shelburne. Why you hant got a single +thing worth havin, but a good harbor, and as for that +the coast is full on 'em. You hav'nt a pine log, a spruce +board or a refuse shingle; you neither raise wheat, oats, +or hay, nor never can; you have no staples on airth, +unless it be them iron ones for the padlocks, in +Bridewell--you've sowed pride and reaped poverty, take +care of your crop, for it's worth harvestin--you have no +River and no Country, what in the name of fortin have +you to trade on? But, said he, (and he shewed the whites +of his eyes like a wall eyed horse) but, said he, Mr. +Slick, how is it then, Halifax ever grew at all, has'nt +it got what it always had; it's no worse than it was. I +guess, said I, that pole aint strong enough to bear you, +neither; if you trust to that you'll be into the brook, +as sure as you are born; you once had the trade of the +whole Province, but St. John has run off with that +now--you've lost all but your trade in blue berries and +rabbits with the niggers at Hammond Plains. You've lost +your customers, your rivals have a better stand for +business--they've got the corner store--four great streets +meet there, and its near the market slip. + +Well he stared; says he, I believe you're right, but I +never thought of that afore; (thinks I, nobody ever +suspect you of the trick of thinkin that ever I heer'd +tell of) some of our great men, said he, laid it all to +your folks selling so many Clocks and Polyglot Bibles, +they say you have taken off a horrid sight of money; did +they, indeed, said I; well, I guess it tante pins and +needles that's the expense of house-keepin, it is something +more costly than that. Well, some folks say its the Banks, +says he; better still, says I, perhaps you've hearn tell +too that greasing the axle, makes a gig harder to draw, +for there's jist about as much sense in that. Well then, +says he, others say its smugglin has made us so poor. +That guess, said I, is most as good as tother one, whoever +found out that secret ought to get a patent for it, for +its worth knowin. Then the country has grown poorer, +has'nt it, because it has bought cheaper this year, than +it did the year before? Why, your folks are cute chaps, +I vow; they'd puzzle a Philadelphia Lawyer, they are so +amazin knowin. Ah, said he, and he rubb'd his hands and +smiled like a young doctor, when he gets his first patient; +ah, said he, if the timber duties are altered, down comes +St. John, body and breeches, it's built on a poor +foundation--its all show--they are speculatin like +mad--they'll ruin themselves. Says I, if you wait till +they're dead, for your fortin, it will be one while, I +tell you, afore you pocket the shiners. Its no joke waitin +for a dead man's shoes. Suppose an old feller of 80 was +to say when that are young feller dies, I'm to inherit +his property, what would you think? Why, I guess you'd +think be was an old fool. No sir, if the English don't +want their timber we do want it all, we have used ourn +up, we hant got a stick even to whittle. If the British +dont offer we will, and St. John, like a dear little +weeping widow, will dry up her tears, and take to frolickin +agin and accept it right off. There is'nt at this moment +such a location hardly in America, as St. John; for beside +all its other advantages, it has this great one, its only +rival, Halifax, has got a dose of opium that will send +it snoring out of the world, like a feller who falls +asleep on the ice of a winter's night. It has been asleep +so long, I actilly think it never will wake. Its an easy +death too, you may rouse them up if you like, but I vow +I wont. I once brought a feller too that was drowned, +and one night he got drunk and quilted me, I could'nt +walk for a week; says I, your the last chap I'll ever +save from drowning in all my born days, if that's all +the thanks I get for it. No Sir, Halifax has lost the +run of its custom. Who does Yarmouth trade with? St. +John. Who does Annapolis County trade with? St. John. +Who do all the folks on the Basin of Mines, and Bay shore, +trade with? St John. Who does Cumberland trade with? St +John. Well Pictou, Lunenburg and Liverpool, supply +themselves, and the rest that aint worth havin, trade +with Halifax. They take down a few half starved pigs, +old viteran geese, and long legged fowls, some ram mutton +and tuf beef; and swap them for tea, sugar, and such +little notions for their old women to home; while the +rail roads and canals of St. John are goin to cut off +your Gulf Shore trade to Miramichi, and along there. +Flies live in the summer and die in winter, you're jist +as noisy in war as those little critters, but you sing +small in peace. + +No, your done for, you are up a tree, you may depend; +pride must fall. Your town is like a ball room arter a +dance. The folks have eat, drank, and frolicked, and left +an empty house; the lamps and hangings are left, but the +people are gone. Is there no remedy for this? said he, +and he looked as wild as a Cherokee Indian. Thinks I, +the handle is fitten on proper tight now. Well, says I, +when a man has a cold, he had ought to look out pretty +sharp, afore it gets seated on his lungs; if he don't, +he gets into a gallopin consumption, and it's gone goose +with him. There is a remedy, if applied in time: make a +rail road to Minas Basin, and you have a way for your +customers to get to you, and a conveyance for your goods +to them. When I was in New York last, a cousin of mine, +Hezekiah Slick, said to me, I do believe Sam, I shall be +ruined; I've lost all my custom, they are widening and +improving the streets, and there's so many carts and +people to work in it, folks can't come to my shop to +trade, what on airth shall I do, and I'm payin a dreadful +high rent too? Stop Ki, says I, when the street is all +finished off and slicked up, they'll all come back agin, +and a whole raft more on 'em too, you'll sell twice as +much as ever you did, you'll put off a proper swad of +goods next year, you may depend; and so he did, he made +money, hand over hand. A rail-road, will bring back your +customers, if done right off; but wait till trade has +made new channels, and fairly gets settled in them, and +you'll never divart it agin to all etarnity. When a feller +waits till a gall gets married, I guess it will be too +late to pop the question then. St. John MUST go ahead, +at any rate; you MAY, if you choose, but you must exert +yourselves I tell you. If a man has only one leg, and +wants to walk, he must get an artificial one. If you have +no river, make a rail road, and that will supply its +place. But, says he, Mr. Slick, people say it never will +pay in the world; they say its as mad a scheme as the +canal. Do they indeed, says I, send them to me then, and +I'll fit the handle on to them in tu tu's. I say it will +pay, and the best proof is, our folks will take tu thirds +of the stock. Did you ever hear any one else but your +folks, ax whether a dose of medicine would pay when it +was given to save life? If that everlastin long Erie +canal can secure to New York the supply of that far off +country, most tother side of creation, surely a rail road +of 45 miles can give you the trade of the Bay of Fundy. +A rail road will go from Halifax to Windsor and make them +one town, easier to send goods from one to tother, than +from Governor Campbell's House to Admiral Cockburn's. A +bridge makes a town, a river makes a town, a canal makes +a town, but a rail road is bridge, river, thoroughfare, +canal, all in one; what a wappin large place that would +make, would'nt it? It would be the dandy, that's a fact. +No, when you go back, take a piece of chalk, and the +first dark night, write on every door in Halifax, in +large letters--a rail road--and if they don't know the +meanin of it, says you its a Yankee word; if you'll go +to Sam Slick, the Clockmaker, (the chap that fixed a +Yankee handle on to a Halifax blade, and I made him a +scrape of my leg, as much as to say, that's you,) every +man that buys a Clock shall hear all about a RAIL ROAD. + + + + +No. XVIII + +The Grahamite and the Irish Pilot. + +I think, said I, this is a happy country, Mr. Slick. +The people are fortunately all of one origin, there are +no national jealousies to divide, and no very violent +politics to agitate them. They appear to be cheerful and +contented, and are a civil, good natured, hospitable +race. Considering the unsettled state of almost every +part of the world, I think I would as soon cast my lot +in Nova-Scotia as in any part I know of. Its a clever +country, you may depend, said be, a very clever country; +full of mineral wealth, aboundin in superior water +privileges and noble harbors, a large part of it prime +land, and it is in the very heart of the fisheries. But +the folks put me in mind of a sect in our country they +call the Grahamites--they eat no meat and no exciting +food, and drink nothin stronger than water. They call +it Philosophy (and that is such a pretty word it has made +fools of more folks than them afore now,) but I call it +tarnation nonsense. I once travelled all through the +State of Maine with one of them are chaps. He was as +thin as a whippin post. His skin looked like a blown +bladder arter some of the air had leaked out, kinder +wrinkled and rumpled like, and his eye as dim as a lamp +that's livin on a short allowance of ile. He put me in +mind of a pair of kitchen tongs, all legs, shaft and +head, and no belly; a real gander gutted lookin critter, +as holler as a bamboo walkin cane, and twice as yaller. +He actilly looked as if he had been picked off a rack at +sea, and dragged through a gimlet hole. He was a lawyer. +Thinks I, the Lord a massy on your clients, you hungry +half starved lookin critter, you, you'll eat em up alive +as sure as the Lord made Moses. You are just the chap to +strain at a goat and swallow a camel, tank, shank and +flank, all at a gulp. Well, when we came to an inn, and +a beef steak was sot afore us for dinner, he'd say: oh +that is too good for me, its too exciting, all fat meat +is diseased meat, give me some bread and cheese. Well, +I'd say, I don't know what you call too good, but it +tante good enough for me, for I call it as tuf as laushong, +and that will bear chawing all day. When I liquidate for +my dinner, I like to get about the best that's goin, and +I ant a bit too well pleased if I don't. Exciting indeed!! +thinks I. Lord, I should like to see you excited, if it +was only for the fun of the thing. What a temptin lookin +critter you'd be among the galls, would'nt you? Why, you +look like a subject the doctor boys had dropped on the +road arter they had dug you up, and had cut stick and +run for it. Well, when tea came, be said the same thing, +it's too exciting, give me some water, do; that's follorin +the law of natur. Well, says I, if that's the case, you +ought to eat beef; why, says he, how do you make out that +are proposition? Why, says I, if drinkin water instead +of tea is natur, so is eatin grass accordin to natur; +now all flesh is grass, we are told, so you had better +eat that and call it vegetable; like a man I once seed +who fasted on fish on a Friday, and when he had none, +whipped a leg o' mutton into the oven, and took it out +fish, says he it's "changed PLAICE," that's all, and +"PLAICE" aint a bad fish. The Catholics fast enough, +gracious knows, but then they fast on a great rousin big +splendid salmon at two dollars and forty cents a pound, +and lots of old Madeira to make it float light on the +stomach; there's some sense in mortifying the appetite +arter that fashion, but plagy little in your way. No, +says I, friend, you may talk about natur as you please, +I've studied natur all my life, and I vow if your natur +could speak out, it would tell you, it don't over half +like to be starved arter that plan. If you know'd as +much about the marks of the mouth as I do, you'd know +that you have carniverous as well as graniverous teeth, +and that natur meant by that, you should eat most any +thing that are door-keeper, your nose, would give a ticket +to, to pass into your mouth. Father rode a race at New +York course, when he was near hand to seventy, and that's +more nor you'll do, I guess, and he eats as hearty as a +turkey cock, and he never confined himself to water +neither, when he could get anything convened him better. +Says he, Sam, grandfather Slick used to say there was an +old proverb in Yorkshire "a full belly makes a strong +back," and I guess if you try it, natur will tell you so +too. If ever you go to Connecticut, jist call into +father's, and he'll give you a real right down genuine +New England breakfast, and if that don't happify your +heart, then my name's not Sam Slick. It will make you +feel about among the stiffest, I tell you. It will blow +your jacket out like a pig at sea. You'll have to shake +a reef or two out of your waistbans and make good stowage, +I guess, to carry it all under hatches. There's nothin +like a good pastur to cover the ribs, and make the hide +shine, depend on't. + +Now this Province is like that are Grahamite lawyer's +beef, its too good for the folks that's in it; they either +don't avail its value or wont use it, because work ant +arter their "law of natur." As you say they are quiet +enough (there's worse folks than the Blue Noses, too, if +you come to that,) and so they had ought to be quiet for +they have nothin to fight about. As for politics, they +have nothin to desarve the name, but they talk enough +about it, and a plaguy sight of nonsense they do talk +too. Now with us the country is divided into two parties, +of the mammouth breed, the INS and the OUTS, the +ADMINISTRATION and the OPPOSITION. But where's the +administration here? Where's the war office, the Foreign +Office and the Home Office? where's the Secretary of the +Navy? where the State Bank? where's the Ambassadors and +Diplomatists (them are the boys to wind off a snarl of +ravellins as slick as if it were on a reel) and where's +that Ship of State, fitted up all the way from the +forecastle clean up to the starn post, chock full of good +snug berths, handsumly found and furnished, tier over +tier, one above another, as thick as it can hold? That's +a helm worth handlen, I tell you; I don't wonder that +folks mutiny below and fight on the decks above for it +--it makes a plaguy uproar the whole time, and keeps the +passengers for everlastinly in a state of alarm for fear +they'd do mischif by bustin the byler, a runnin aground, +or gettin foul of some other craft. This Province is +better as it is, quieter and happier far; they have berths +enough and big enough, they should be careful not to +increase 'em; and if they were to do it over agin, perhaps +they'd be as well with fewer. They have two parties here, +the Tory party and the Opposition party, and both on em +run to extremes. Them radicals, says one, are for levelin +all down to their own level, tho' not a peg lower; that's +their gage, jist down to their own notch and no further; +and they'd agitate the whole country to obtain that +object, for if a man can't grow to be as tall as his +neighbor, if he cuts a few inches off him why then they +are both of one heighth. They are a most dangerous, +disaffected people--they are eternally appealin to the +worst passions of the mob. Well, says tother, them +aristocrats, they'll ruinate the country, they spend the +whole revenu on themselves. What with Bankers, Councillors, +Judges, Bishops and Public Officers, and a whole tribe +of Lawyers as hungry as hawks, and jist about as marciful, +the country is devoured as if there was a flock of locusts +a feedin on it. There's nothin left for roads and bridges. +When a chap sets out to canvass, he's got to antagonise +one side or tother. If he hangs on to the powers that +be, then he's a Council man, he's for votin large salaries, +for doin as the great people at Halifax tell him. HE IS +A FOOL. If he is on tother side, a railin at Banks, +Judges, Lawyers and such cattle, and baulin for what he +knows he can't get, then HE IS A ROGUE. So that, if you +were to listen to the weak and noisy critters on both +sides, you'd believe the House of Assembly was ONE HALF +ROGUES AND TOTHER HALF FOOLS. All this arises from +ignorance. IF THEY KNEW MORE OF EACH OTHER, I GUESS THEY'D +LAY ASIDE ONE HALF THEIR FEARS AND ALL THEIR ABUSE. THE +UPPER CLASSES DON'T KNOW ONE HALF THE VIRTUE THAT'S IN +THE MIDDLIN AND LOWER CLASSES; AND THEY DON'T KNOW ONE +HALF THE INTEGRITY AND GOOD FEELIN THAT'S IN THE OTHERS, +AND BOTH ARE FOOLED AND GULLED BY THEIR OWN NOISY AND +DESIGNIN CHAMPIONS. Take any two men that are by the +ears, they opinionate all they hear of each other, impute +all sorts of onworthy motives, and misconstrue every act; +let them see more of each other, and they'll find out to +their surprise, that they have not only been lookin thro' +a magnifyin glass, that warnt very true, but a coloured +one also, that changed the complexion and distorted the +feature, and each one will think tother a very good kind +of chap; and like as not a plaguy pleasant one too. + +If I was asked which side was farthest from the mark in +this Province, I vow I should be puzzled to say. As I +don't belong to the country, and don't care a snap of my +finger for either of 'em, I suppose I can judge better +than any man in it, but I snore I dont think there's much +difference. The popular side (I wont say patriotic, for +we find in our steam boats a man who has a plaguy sight +of property in his portmanter, is quite as anxious for +its safety, as him that's only one pair of yarn stockings +and a clean shirt, is for hisn) the popular side are not +so well informed as tother, and they have the misfortin +of havin their passions addressed more than their reason, +therefore they are often out of the way, or rather led +out of it and put astray by bad guides; well, tother side +have the prejudices of birth and education to dim their +vision, and are alarmed to undertake a thing from the +dread of ambush or open foes, that their guides are +etarnally descryin in the mist--AND BESIDE, POWER HAS +A NATERAL TENDENCY TO CORPULENCY. As for them guides, +I'd make short work of 'em if it was me. In the last war +with Britain, the Constitution frigate was close in once +on the shores of Ireland, a lookin arter some marchant +ships, and she took on board a pilot; well, he was a +deep, sly, twistical lookin chap, as you een amost ever +seed. He had a sort of dark down look about him, and a +lear out of the corner of one eye, like a horse that's +goin to kick. The captain guessed he read in his face +"well now, if I was to run this here Yankee right slap +on a rock and bilge her, the King would make a man of me +forever." So, says he to the first leftenant, reeve a +rope thro' that are block at the tip eend of the fore +yard, and clap a runnin nuse in it. The leftenant did it +as quick as wink, and came back, and says he, I guess +it's done. Now says the captain, look here, pilot, here's +a rope you hant seed yet, I'll jist explain the use of +it to you in case you want the loan of it. If this here +frigate, manned with our free and enlightened citizens, +gets aground, I'll give you a ride on the slack of that +are rope, right up to that yard by the neck, by Gum. +Well, it rub'd all the writin out of his face, as quick +as spittin on a slate takes a sum out, you may depend. +Now, they should rig up a crane over the street door of +the State house at Halifax, and when any of the pilots +at either eend of the buildin, run 'em on the breakers +on purpose, string em up like an onsafe dog. A sign of +that are kind, with "a house of public entertainment," +painted under it, would do the business in less than no +time. If it would'nt keep the hawks out of the poultry +yard, it's a pity--it would scare them out of a year's +growth, that's a fact--if they used it once, I guess they +would'nt have occasion for it agin in a hurry--it would +be like the Aloe tree, and that bears fruit only once in +a hundred years. If you want to know how to act any time, +squire, never go to books, leave them to galls and school +boys; but go right off and cypher it out of natur, that's +a sure guide, it will never deceive you, you may depend. +For instance, "what's that to me," is a phrase so common +that it shows it's a natural one, when people have no +particular interest in a thing. Well, when a feller gets +so warm on either side as never to use that phrase at +all, watch him, that's all! keep your eye on him, or +he'll walk right into you afore you know where you be. +If a man runs to me and says, "your fence is down," thank +you, says I, that's kind--if he comes agin and says, "I +guess some stray cattle have broke into your short sarce +garden," I thank him again; says I, come now, this is +neighborly; but when he keeps etarnally tellin me this +thing of one sarvant, and that thing of another sarvant, +hints that my friends ant true, that my neighbors are +inclined to take advantage of me, and that suspicious +folks are seen about my place, I say to myself, what on +airth makes this critter take such a wonderful interest +in my affairs? I don't like to hear such tales--he's +arter somethin as sure as the world, if he war'nt he'd +say, "What's that to me." I never believe much what I +hear said by a man's VIOLENT FRIEND, or VIOLENT ENEMY, +I want to hear what a disinterested man has to say--now, +as a disinterested man, I say if the members of the House +of Assembly, instead of raisin up ghosts and hobgoblins +to frighten folks with, and to shew what swordsmen they +be, a cuttin and a thrustin at phantoms that only exist +in their own brains, would turn to, heart and hand, and +develope the resources of this fine country, facilitate +the means of transport--promote its internal improvement, +and entourage its foreign trade, they would make it the +richest and greatest, as it now is one of the happiest +sections of all America--I hope I may be skinned if they +would'nt--they would I swan. + + + + +No. XIX + +The Clockmaker Quilts a Blue Nose. + +The descendants of Eve have profited little by her example. +The curiosity of the fair sex is still insatiable, and, +as it is often ill directed, it frequently terminates in +error. In the country this feminine propensity is +troublesome to a traveller, and he who would avoid +importunities, would do well to announce at once, on his +arrival at a Cumberland Inn, his name and his business, +the place of his abode and the length of his visit. Our +beautiful hostess, Mrs. Pugwash, as she took her seat at +the breakfast table this morning, exhibited the example +that suggested these reflections. She was struck with +horror at our conversation, the latter part only of which +she heard, and of course misapplied and misunderstood. +She was run down by the President, said I, and has been +laid up for some time. Gulard's people have stripped her, +in consequence of her making water so fast. Stripped +whom? said Mrs. Pugwash, as she suddenly dropped the +teapot from her hand; stripped whom,--for heaven's sake +tell me who it is? The Lady Ogle, said I. Lady Ogle, said +she, how horrid! Two of her ribs were so broken as to +require to be replaced with new ones. Two new ribs, said +she, well I never heer'd the beat of that in all my born +days; poor critter, how she must have suffered. On +examining her below the waist they found--Examining her +still lower, said she (all the pride of her sex revolting +at the idea of such an indecent exhibition,) you don't +pretend to say they stripped her below the waist; what +did the Admiral say? Did he stand by and see her handled +in that way? The Admiral, madam, said I, did not trouble +his head about it. They found her extremely unsound there, +and much worm eaten. Worm eaten, she continued, how awful! +it must have been them nasty jiggers, that got in there; +they tell me they are dreadful thick in the West Indies; +Joe Crow had them in his feet, and lost two of his toes. +Worm eaten, dear, dear!! but still that aint so bad as +having them great he fellows strip one. I promise you if +them Gulards had undertaken to strip me, I'd a taught +them different guess manners; I'd a died first before +I'd a submitted to it. I always heerd tell the English +quality ladies were awful bold, but I never heerd the +like o' that. + +What on airth are you drivin at? said Mr. Slick. I never +seed you so much out in your latitude afore, marm, I vow. +We were talking of reparin a vessel, not strippin' a +woman, what under the sun could have put that are crotchet +into your head? She looked mortified and humbled at the +result of her own absurd curiosity, and soon quitted the +room. I thought I should have snorted right out two or +three times, said the Clockmaker; I had to pucker up my +mouth like the upper eend of a silk puss, to keep from +yawhawin in her face, to hear the critter let her clapper +run that fashion. She is not the first hand that has +caught a lobster, by puttin in her oar afore her turn, +I guess. She'll mind her stops next hitch, I reckon. +This was our last breakfast at Amherst. + +An early frost that smote the potatoe fields, and changed +the beautiful green color of the Indian corn into shades +of light yellow, and dark brown, reminded me of the +presence of autumn--of the season of short days and bad +roads, I determined to proceed at once to Parrsboro, and +thence by the Windsor and Kentville route to Annapolis, +Yarmouth, and Shelburne, and to return by the shore road, +through Liverpool and Lunenburg to Halifax. I therefore +took leave, (though not without much reluctance) of the +Clockmaker, whose intention had been to go to Fort +Lawrence. Well, said he, I vow I am sorry to part company +along with you; a considerable long journey like ourn, +is like sitting up late with the galls, a body knows its +getting on pretty well towards mornin, and yet feels loth +to go to bed, for its just the time folks grow sociable. + +I got a scheme in my head, said he, that I think will +answer both on us; I got debts due to me in all them are +places for Clocks sold by the concarn, now suppose you +leave your horse on these mashes this fall, he'll get as +fat as a fool, he wont be able to see out of his eyes in +a month, and I'll put "Old Clay," (I call him Clay arter +our senator, who is a prime bit of stuff) into a Yankee +waggon I have here, and drive you all round the coast. +This was too good an offer to be declined. A run at +grass for my horse, an easy and comfortable waggon, and +a guide so original and amusing as Mr. Slick, were either +of them enough to induce my acquiescence. + +As soon as we had taken our seats in the waggon, he +observed, we shall progress real handsum now; that are +horse goes etarnal fast, he near about set my axle on +fire twice. He's a spanker you may depend. I had him +when he was a two year old, all legs and tail, like a +devil's darnin needle, and had him broke on purpose by +father's old nigger, January Snow. He knows English real +well, and can do near about any thing but speak it. He +helped me once to ginn a Blue Nose a proper handsum +quiltin. He must have stood a poor chance indeed, said +I, a horse kickin, and a man striking him at the same +time. Oh! not arter that pattern at all, said he, Lord +if "Old Clay" had a kicked him, he'd a smashed him like +that are sarcer you broke at Pugnose's inn, into ten +hundred thousand million flinders. Oh! no, if I did'nt +fix his flint for him in fair play it's a pity. I'll tell +you how it was. I was up to Truro, at Ezra Whitter's Inn. +There was an arbitration there atween Deacon Text and +Deacon Faithful. Well, there was a nation sight of folks +there, for they said it was a biter bit, and they came +to witness the sport, and to see which critter would get +the earmark. + +Well, I'd been doin a little business there among the +folks, and had jist sot off for the river, mounted on +"Old Clay," arter takin a glass of Ezra's most particular +handsum Jamaiky, and was trottin off pretty slick, when +who should I run agin but Tim Bradley. He is a dreadful +ugly cross grained critter, as you een amost ever seed, +when he is about half shaved. Well, I stopped short, and +says, I, Mr. Bradley, I hope you beant hurt; I'm proper +sorry I run agin you, you cant feel uglier than I do +about it, I do assure you. He called me a Yankee pedlar, +a cheatin vagabond, a wooden nutmeg, and threw a good +deal of assorted hardware of that kind at me; and the +crowd of folks cried out, down with the Yankee, let him +have it Tim, teach him better manners; and they carried +on pretty high, I tell you. Well, I got my dander up +too, I felt all up on eend like; and, thinks I to myself, +my lad if I get a clever chance, I'll give you such a +quiltin as you never had since you were raised from a +seedlin, I vow. So, says I, Mr Bradley, I guess you had +better let me be, you know I cant fight no more than a +cow--I never was brought up to wranglin, and I don't like +it. Haul off the cowardly rascal, they all bawled out, +haul him off, and lay it into him. So he lays right hold +of me by the collar, and gives me a pull, and I lets on +as if I'd lost my balance and falls right down. Then I +jumps up on eend, and says I "go ahead Clay," and the +old horse he sets off a head, so I knew I had him when +I wanted him. Then, says I, I hope you are satisfied now, +Mr Bradley, with that are ungenteel fall you ginn me. +Well, he makes a blow at me, and I dodged it, now, says +I, you'll be sorry for this, I tell you, I wont be treated +this way for nothin, I'll go right off and swear my life +agin you, I'm most afeerd you'll murder me. Well, he +strikes at me agin, (thinkin he had a genuine soft horn +to deal with,) and hits me in the shoulder. Now, says I, +I wont stand here to be lathered like a dog all day long +this fashion, it tante pretty at all, I guess I'll give +you a chase for it. Off I sets arter my horse like mad, +and he arter me, (I did that to get clear of the crowd, +so that I might have fair play at him) Well, I soon found +I had the heels of him, and could play him as I liked. +Then I slackened up a little, and when he came close up +to me, so as nearly to lay his hand upon me, I squatted +right whap down, all short, and he pitched over me near +about a rod or so, I guess, on his head, and plowed up +the ground with his nose, the matter of a foot or two. +If he didn't polish up the coulter, and both mould boards +of his face, its a pity. Now, says I, you had better lay +where you be and let me go, for I am proper tired; I blow +like a horse that's got the heaves; and besides, says I, +I guess you had better wash your face, for I am most a +feared you hurt yourself. That ryled him properly; I +meant that it should; so he ups and at me awful spiteful +like a bull; then I lets him have it, right, left, right, +jist three corkers, beginning with the right hand, shifting +to the left, and then with the right hand agin. This way +I did it, said the Clockmaker, (and he showed me the +manner in which it was done) its a beautiful way of +hitting, and always does the business--a blow for each +eye and one for the mouth. It sounds like ten pounds ten +on a blacksmith's anvil; I bunged up both eyes for him, +and put in the dead lights in two tu's, and drew three +of his teeth, quicker a plaguy sight than the Truro doctor +could, to save his soul alive. Now, says I, my friend, +when you recover your eye-sight I guess you'll see your +mistake--I warnt born in the woods to be scared by an +owl. The next time you feel in a most particular elegant +good humour, come to me and I'll play you the second part +of that identical same tune, that's a fact. With that, +I whistled for old Clay, and back he comes, and I mounted +and off, jist as the crowd came up. The folks looked +staggered, and wondered a little grain how it was done +so cleverly in short metre. If I did'nt quilt him in no +time, you may depend; I went right slap into him, like +a flash of lightning into a gooseberry bush. He found +his suit ready made and fitted afore he thought he was +half measured. Thinks I, friend Bradley, I hope you know +yourself now, for I vow no livin soul would; your swallowed +your soup without singin out scaldins, and your near +about a pint and a half nearer cryin than larfin. + +Yes, as I was sayin, this "old Clay" is a real knowin +one, he's as spry as a colt jet, clear grit, ginger to +the back bone; I cant help a thinkin sometimes the breed +must have come from old Kentuck, half horse, half alligator, +with a cross of the airth-quake. + +I hope I may be tetotally ruinated, if I'd take eight +hundred dollars for him. Go ahead, you old clinker built +villain, said he, and show the gentleman how wonderful +handSUM you can travel. Give him the real Connecticut +quick step. That's it--that's the way to carry the +President's message to Congress, from Washington to New +York, in no time--that's the go to carry a gall from +Boston to Rhode Island, and trice her up to a Justice to +be married, afore her father's out of bed of a summer's +mornin. Aint he a beauty? a real doll? none of your +Cumberland critters, that the more you quilt them, the +more they wont go; but a proper one, that will go free +gratis for nothin, all out of his own head voluntERRILY. +Yes, a horse like "Old Clay," is worth the whole seed, +breed and generation, of them Amherst beasts put together. +He's a horse, every inch of him, stock, lock, and barrel, +is OLD CLAY. + + + + +No. XX + +Sister Sall's Courtship. + +There goes one of them are everlastin rottin poles in +that bridge, they are no better than a trap for a critter's +leg, said the Clockmaker. They remind me of a trap Jim +Munroe put his foot in one night, that near about made +one leg half a yard longer than tother. I believe I told +you of him, what a desperate idle feller he was--he came +from Onion County in Connecticut. Well, he was courtin +Sister Sall--she was a real handsum lookin gall; you +scarce ever seed a more out and out complete critter than +she was--a fine figur head, and a beautiful model of a +craft as any in the state: a real clipper, and as full +of fun and frolick as a kitten. Well he fairly turned +Sall's head; the more we wanted her to give him up the +more she would'nt, and we got plaguy oneasy about it, +for his character was none of the best. He was a univarsal +favorite with the galls, and tho' he did'nt behave very +pretty neither, forgetting to marry where he promised, +and where he had'nt ought to have forgot too; yet, so it +was, he had such an uncommon winnin way with him, he +could talk them over in no time--Sall was fairly bewitched. +At last, Father said to him one evening when he came a +courtin, Jim, says he, you'll never come to no good, if +you act like old Scratch as you do; you aint fit to come +into no decent man's house at all, and your absence would +be ten times more agreeable than your company, I tell +you. I won't consent to Sall's goin to them are huskin +parties and quiltin frolics along with you no more, on +no account, for you know how Polly Brown and Nancy White +---. Now don't, says he, now don't, Uncle Sam; say no +more about that; if you knowed all you would'nt say it +was my fault; and besides, I have turned right about, I +am on tother tack now, and the long leg, too; I am as +steady as a pump bolt now. I intend to settle myself and +take a farm--yes yes, and you could stock it too, by all +accounts, pretty well, unless you are much misreported, +says father, but it won't do. I knew your father; he was +our Sargeant, a proper clever and brave man he was too; +he was one of the heroes of our glorious revolution. I +had a great respect for him, and I am sorry for his sake +you will act as you do; but I tell you once for all you +must give up all thoughts of Sall, now and for everlastin. +When Sall heerd this, she began to nit away like mad in +a desperate hurry--she looked foolish enough, that's a +fact. First she tried to bite in her breath, and look as +if there was nothin particular in the wind, then she +blushed all over like scarlet fever, but she recovered +that pretty soon, and then her colour went and came, and +came and went, till at last she grew as white as chalk, +and down she fell slap off her seat on the floor, in a +faintin fit. I see, says father, I see it now, you etarnal +villain, and he made a pull at the old fashioned sword, +that always hung over the fire place, (we used to call +it old Bunker, for his stories always begun, "when I was +at Bunker's hill,") and drawing it out, he made a clip +at him as wicked as if he was stabbing at a rat with a +hay fork; but Jim he outs of the door like a shot, and +draws it too arter him, and father sends old Bunker right +through the panel. I'll chop you up as fine as mince +meat, you villain, said he, if ever I catch you inside +my door agin; mind what I tell you, "YOU'LL SWING FOR IT +YET." Well, he made himself considerable scarce arter +that, he never sot foot inside the door agin, and I +thought he had ginn up all hopes of Sall, and she of him; +when one night, a most particular uncommon dark night, +as I was a comin home from neighbor Dearborne's, I heerd +some one a talkin under Sall's window. Well, I stops and +listens, and who should be near the ash saplin, but Jim +Munroe, a tryin to persuade Sall to run off with him to +Rhode Island to be married. It was all settled, he should +come with a horse and shay to the gate, and then help +her out of the window, jist at nine o'clock, about the +time she commonly went to bed. Then he axes her to reach +down her hand for him to kiss, (for he was proper clever +at soft sawder) and she stretches it down and he kisses +it; and, says he, I believe I must have the whole of you +out arter all, and gives her a jirk that kinder startled +her; it came so sudden like it made her scream; so off +he sot hot foot, and over the gate in no time. + +Well, I cyphered over this all night, a calculatin how +I should reciprocate that trick with him, and at last I +hit on a scheme. I recollected father's words at partin, +"MIND WHAT I TELL YOU, YOU'LL SWING FOR IT YET;" and +thinks I, friend Jim, I'll make that prophecy come true +yet, I guess. So the next night, jist at dark, I gives +January Snow, the old nigger, a nidge with my elbow, and +as soon as he looks up, I winks and walks out and he +arter me--says I, January can you keep your tongue within +your teeth, you old nigger you? Why massa, why you ax +that are question? my Gor Ormity, you tink old Snow he +don't know dat are yet; my tongue he got plenty room now, +debil a tooth left, be can stretch out ever so far; like +a little leg in a big bed, he lay quiet enough, Massa, +neber fear. Well, then, says I, bend down that are ash +saplin softly, you old Snowball, and make no noise. The +saplin was no sooner bent than secured to the ground by +a notched peg and a noose, and a slip knot was suspended +from the tree, jist over the track that led from the +pathway to the house. Why, my Gor, massa, that's a ---. +Hold your mug, you old nigger, says I, or I'll send your +tongue a sarchin arter your teeth; keep quiet, and follow +me in presently. Well, jist as it struck nine o'clock, +says I, Sally, hold this here hank of twine for a minute, +till I wind a trifle on it off; that's a dear critter. +She sot down her candle, and I put the twine on her hands, +and then I begins to wind and wind away ever so slow, +and drops the ball every now and then, so as to keep her +down stairs. Sam, says she, I do believe you won't wind +that are twine off all night, do give it to January, I +won't stay no longer, I'm een a most dead asleep. The +old feller's arm is so plaguy onsteady, says I, it won't +do; but hark, what's that, I'm sure I heerd something in +the ash saplin, did'nt you Sall? I heerd the geese there, +that's all, says she, they always come under the windows +at night; but she looked scared enough, and says she, I +vow I'm tired a holdin out of arms, this way, and I won't +do it no longer; and down she throw'd the hank on the +floor. Well, says I, stop one minute, dear, till I send +old January out to see if any body is there; perhaps some +o' neighbour Dearborne's cattle have broke into the sarce +garden. January went out, tho' Sall say'd it was no use, +for she knew the noise of the geese, they always kept +close to the house at night, for fear of the varmin. +Presently in runs old Snow, with his hair standin up an +eend, and the whites of his eyes lookin as big as the +rims of a soup plate; oh! Gor Ormity, said he, oh massa, +oh Miss Sally, oh!! What on airth is the matter with +you, said Sally, how you do frighten me, I vow I believe +you'r mad--oh my Gor said he, oh!! massa Jim Munroe he +hang himself, on the ash saplin under Miss Sally's +window--oh my Gor!!! That shot was a settler, it struck +poor Sall right atwixt wind and water; she gave a lurch +ahead, then healed over and sunk right down in another +faintin fit; and Juno, old Snow's wife, carried her off +and laid her down on the bed--poor thing, she felt ugly +enough, I do suppose. + +Well, father, I thought he'd a fainted too, he was so +struck up all of a heap, he was completely bung fungered; +dear, dear, said he, I did'nt think it would come to pass +so soon, but I knew it would come; I foretold it; says +I, the last time I seed him, Jim, says I, mind what I +say, YOU'LL SWING FOR IT YET. Give me the sword I wore +when I was at Bunker's hill, may be there is life yet, +I'll cut him down. The lantern was soon made ready, and +out we went to the ash saplin. Cut me down, Sam, that's +a good fellow, said Jim, all the blood in my body has +swashed into my head, and's a runnin out o' my nose, I'm +een a most smothered, be quick for heaven's sake. The +Lord be praised, said father, the poor sinner is not +quite dead yet. Why, as I'm alive--well if that don't +beat all natur, why he has hanged himself by one leg, +and's a swingin like a rabbit upside down, that's a fact. +Why, if he aint snared, Sam; he is properly wired I +declare--I vow this is some o' your doins, Sam--well it +was a clever scheme too, but a little grain too dangerous, +I guess. Don't stand staring and jawin there all night, +said Jim, cut me down, I tell you--or cut my throat and +be damned to you, for I am choakin with blood. Roll over +that are hogshead, old Snow, said I, till I get a top on +it and cut him down; so I soon released him but he could'nt +walk a bit. His ankle was swelled and sprained like +vengeance, and he swore one leg was near about six inches +longer than tother. Jim Munroe, says father, little did +I think I should ever see you inside my door agin, but +I bid you enter now, we owe you that kindness, any how. +Well, to make a long story short, Jim was so chap fallen, +and so down in the mouth, he begged for heaven's sake it +might be kept a secret; he said he would RUN the state, +if ever it got wind, he was sure he could'nt STAND it. +It will be one while, I guess, said father, afore you +are able to run or stand either; but if you will give me +your hand, Jim, and promise to give over your evil ways, +I will not only keep it secret, but you shall be a welcome +guest at old Sam Slick's once more, for the sake of your +father--he was a brave man, one of the heroes of Bunker's +hill, he was our Sergeant and ---. He promises, says I, +father, (for the old man had stuck his right foot out, +the way he always stood when he told about the old war; +and as Jim could'nt stir a peg, it was a grand chance, +and he was a goin to give him the whole revolution from +General Gage up to Independence,) he promises, says I, +father. Well it was all settled, and things soon grew as +calm as a pan of milk two days old; and afore a year was +over, Jim was as steady a goin man as Minister Joshua +Hopewell, and was married to our Sall. Nothin was ever +said about the snare till arter the weddin. When the +Minister had finished axin a blessin, father goes up to +Jim, and says he, Jim Munroe, my boy, givin him a rousin +slap on the shoulder that sot him a coughin for the matter +of five minutes, (for he was a mortal powerful man, was +father) Jim Munroe, my boy, says he, you've got the snare +round your neck, I guess now, instead of your leg; the +Saplin has been a father to you, may you be the father +of many saplins. + +We had a most special time of it, you may depend, all +except the minister; father got him into a corner, and +gave him chapter and verse for the whole war. Every now +and then as I come near them, I heard "Bunker's Hill, +Brandywine, Clinton, Gates," and so on. It was broad day +when we parted, and the last that went was poor minister. +Father followed him clean down to the gate, and says he, +"minister, we had'nt time this hitch, or I'd a told you +all about the 'EVAKYATION' of New York, but I'll tell +you that the next time we meet." + + + + +No. XXI + +Setting up for Governor. + +I never see one of them queer little old fashioned tea +pots, like that are in the cupboard of Marm Pugwash, said +the Clockmaker, that I dont think of Lawyer Crowningshield +and his wife. When I was down to Rhode Island last, I +spent an evening with them. Arter I had been there a +while, the black House help brought in a little home made +dipt candle, stuck in a turnip sliced in two, to make it +stand straight, and set it down on the table. Why, says +the Lawyer to his wife, Increase my dear, what on earth +is the meanin o' that? what does little Viney mean by +bringin in such a light as this, that aint fit for even +a log hut of one of our free and enlightened citizens +away down east; where's the lamp? My dear, says she, I +ordered it--you know they are agoin to set you up for +Governor next year, and I allot we must economise or we +will be ruined--the salary is only four hundred dollars +a year, you know, and you'll have to give up your +practice--we can't afford nothin now. Well, when tea was +brought in, there was a little wee china tea pot, that +held about the matter of half a pint or so, and cups and +sarcers about the bigness of children's toys. When he +seed that, he grew most peskily ryled, his under lip +curled down like a peach leaf that's got a worm in it, +and he stripped his teeth, and showed his grinders, like +a bull dog; what foolery is this, said he? My dear, said +she, its the foolery of being Governor; if you choose to +sacrifice all your comfort to being the first rung in +the ladder, don't blame me for it. I did'nt nominate +you--I had not art nor part in it. It was cooked up at +that are Convention, at Town Hall. Well, he sot for some +time without sayin a word, lookin as black as a thunder +cloud, just ready to make all natur crack agin. At last +he gets up, and walks round behind his wife's chair, and +takin her face between his two hands, he turns it up and +gives her a buss that went off like a pistoll--it fairly +made my mouth water to see him; thinks I, them lips aint +a bad bank to deposit one's spare kisses in, neither. +Increase, my dear, said he, I believe you are half right, +I'll decline to-morrow, I'll have nothin to do with it--I +WONT BE A GOVERNOR, ON NO ACCOUNT. + +Well, she had to haw and gee like, both a little, afore +she could get her head out of his hands; and then she +said, Zachariah, says she, how you do act, aint you +ashamed? Do for gracious sake behave yourself: and she +colored up all over like a crimson piany; if you hav'nt +foozled all my hair too, that's a fact, says she; and +she put her curls to rights, and looked as pleased as +fun, though poutin all the time, and walked right out of +the room. Presently in come two well dressed House Helps, +one with a splendid gilt lamp, a real London touch, and +another with a tea tray, with a large solid silver coffee +pot, and tea pot, and a cream jug, and sugar boul, of +the same genuine metal, and a most an elegant sett of +real gilt china. Then in came Marm Crowningshield herself, +lookin as proud as if she would not call the President +her cousin; and she gave the Lawyer a look, as much as +to say, I guess when Mr. Slick is gone, I'll pay you +off that are kiss with interest, you dear you--I'll answer +a bill at sight for it, I will, you may depend. I believe, +said he agin, you are right Increase, my dear, its an +expensive kind of honor that bein Governor, and no great +thanks neither; great cry and little wool, all talk and +no cider--its enough I guess for a man to govern his own +family, aint it, dear? Sartin, my love, said she, sartin, +a man is never so much in his own proper sphere as there; +and beside, said she, his will is supreme to home, there +is no danger of any one non-concurring him there: and +she gave me a sly look, as much as to say, I let him +think he is master in his own house, FOR WHEN LADIES WEAR +THE BREECHES, THEIR PETTICOATS OUGHT TO BE LONG ENOUGH +TO HIDE THEM; but I allot, Mr. Slick, you can see with +half an eye that the "grey mare is the better horse here." + +What a pity it is, continued the Clockmaker, that the +Blue Noses would not take a leaf out of Marm Crowninshield's +book--talk more of their own affairs and less of politics. +I'm sick of the everlastin sound of "House of Assembly," +and "Council," and "great folks." They never alleviate +talking about them from July to etarnity. I had a curious +conversation about politics once, away up to the right +here. Do you see that are house, said he, in the field, +that's got a lurch to leeward, like a north river sloop, +struck with a squall, off West Point, lopsided like? It +looks like Seth Pine, a tailor down to Hartford, that +had one leg shorter than tother, when he stood at ease +at militia trainin, a restin on the littlest one. Well, +I had a special frolic there the last time I passed this +way. I lost the linch pin out of my forred axle, and I +turned up there to get it sot to rights. Just as I drove +through the gate, I saw the eldest gall a makin for the +house for dear life--she had a short petticoat on that +looked like a kilt, and her bare legs put me in mind of +the long shanks of a bittern down in a rush swamp, a +drivin away like mad full chizel arter a frog. I could +not think what on airth was the matter. Thinks I, she +wants to make herself look decent like afore I get in, +she don't like to pull her stockings on afore me; so I +pulls up the old horse and let her have a fair start. +Well, when I came to the door, I heard a proper scuddin; +there was a regular flight into Egypt, jist such a noise +as little children make when the mistress comes suddenly +into school, all a huddlin and scroudgin into their seats, +as quick as wink. Dear me, says the old woman, as she +put her head out of a broken window to avail who it was, +is it you, Mr. Slick? I sniggers, if you did not frighten +us properly, we actilly thought it was the Sheriff; do +come in. Poor thing, she looked half starved and half +savage, hunger and temper had made proper strong lines +in her face, like water furrows in a ploughed field; she +looked bony and thin, like a horse, that has had more +work than oats, and had a wicked expression, as though +it warnt over safe to come too near her heels--an everlastin +kicker. You may come out, John, said she to her husband, +its only Mr. Slick; and out came John from under the bed +backwards, on all fours, like an ox out of the shoein +frame, or a lobster skullin wrong eend foremost--he looked +as wild as a hawk. Well, I swan I thought I should have +split, I could hardly keep from bustin right out with +larfter--he was all covered with feathers, lint and +dust, the savins of all the sweepins since the house was +built, shoved under there for tidiness. He actilly sneezed +for the matter of ten minutes--he seemed half choked with +the flaff and stuff, that came out with him like a cloud. +Lord, he looked like a goose half picked, as if all the +quills were gone, but the pen feathers and down were +left, jist ready for singin and stuffin. He put me in +mind of a sick Adjutant, a great tall hulkin bird, that +comes from the East Indgies, a most as high as a man, +and most as knowin as a Blue Nose. I'd a ginn a hundred +dollars to have had that chap as a show at a fair--tar +and feathers war'nt half as nateral. You've seen a gall +both larf and cry at the same time, hante you? well, I +hope I may be shot if I could'nt have done the same. To +see that critter come like a turkey out of a bag at +Christmas, to be fired at for ten cents a shot, was as +good as a play; but to look round and see the poverty +--the half naked children--the old pine stumps for +chairs--a small bin of poor watery yaller potatoes in +the corner--day light through the sides and roof of the +house, lookin like the tarred seams of a ship, all black +where the smoak got out--no utensils for cookin or +eatin--and starvation wrote as plain as a handbill on +their holler cheeks, skinney fingers, and sunk eyes, +went right straight to the heart. I do declare I believe +I should have cried, only they did'nt seem to mind it +themselves. They had been used to it, like a man that's +married to a thunderin ugly wife, he gets so accustomed +to the look of her everlastin dismal mug, that he don't +think her ugly at all. Well, there was another chap a +settin by the fire, and he DID look as if he saw it and +felt it too, he did'nt seem over half pleased, you may +depend. He was the District Schoolmaster, and he told me +he was takin a spell at boardin there, for it was their +turn to keep him. Thinks I to myself poor devil, you've +brought your pigs to a pretty market, that's a fact. I +see how it is, the Blue Noses can't "cypher." The cat's +out of the bag now--its no wonder they don't go ahead, +for they don't know nothin--the "Schoolmaster is ABROAD," +with the devil to it, for he has NO HOME at all. Why, +Squire, you might jist as well expect a horse to go right +off in gear, before he is halter broke, as a Blue Nose +to get on in the world, when he has got no schoolin. But +to get back to my story. Well, say's I, how's times with +you, Mrs. Spry? Dull, says she, very dull, there's no +markets now, things don't fetch nothin. Thinks I, some +folks had'nt ought to complain of markets, for they don't +raise nothin to sell, but I did'nt say so; FOR POVERTY +IS KEEN ENOUGH, WITHOUT SHARPENING ITS EDGE BY POKIN FUN +AT IT. Potatoes, says I, will fetch a good price this +fall, for it's a short crop in a general way--; how's +yourn? Grand, says she, as complete as ever you seed; +our tops were small and did'nt look well; but we have +the handsomest bottoms, its generally allowed, in all +our place; you never seed the best of them, they are +actilly worth lookin at. I vow I had to take a chaw of +tobacky to keep from snorting right out, it sounded so +queer like. Thinks I to myself, old lady, its a pity you +could'nt be changed eend for eend then, as some folks do +their stockings; it would improve the look of your dial +plate amazinly then, that's a fact. + +Now there was human natur, Squire, said the Clockmaker, +there was pride even in that hovel. It is found in rags +as well as King's robes, where butter is spread with the +thumb as well as the silver knife, NATUR IS NATUR WHEREVER +YOU FIND IT. Jist then, in came one or two neighbors to +see the sport, for they took me for a Sheriff or Constable, +or something of that breed, and when they saw it was me +they sot down to hear the news; they fell right too at +politicks as keen as any thing, as if it had been a dish +of real Connecticut Slap Jacks, or Hominy; or what is +better still, a glass of real genuine splendid mint julep, +WHE-EU-UP, it fairly makes my mouth water to think of +it. I wonder, says one, what they will do for us this +winter in the House of Assembly? Nothin, says the other, +they never do nothin but what the great people at Halifax +tell 'em. Squire Yeoman is the man, he'll pay up the +great folks this hitch, he'll let 'em have their own, +he's jist the boy that can do it. Says I, I wish I could +say all men were as honest then, for I am afeard there +are a great many wont pay me up this winter; I should +like to trade with your friend, who is he? Why, says he, +he is the member for Isle Sable County, and if he don't +let the great folks have it, its a pity. Who do you call +great folks, said I, for I vow I hav'nt see'd one since +I came here. The only one that I know that comes near +hand to one is Nicholas Overknocker, that lives all along +shore, about Margaret's Bay, and HE IS a great man, it +takes a yoke of oxen to drag him. When I first see'd him, +says I, what on airth is the matter o' that man, has he +the dropsy, for he is actilly the greatest man I ever +see'd; he must weigh the matter of five hundred weight; +he'd cut three inches on the rib--he must have a proper +sight of lard, that chap? No, says I, don't call 'em +great men, for there aint a great man in the country, +that's a fact; there aint one that desarves the name; +folks will only larf at you if you talk that way. There +may be some rich men, and I believe there be, and its a +pity there warn't more on 'em, and a still greater pity +they have so little spirit or enterprise among 'em, but +a country is none the worse of having rich men in it, +you may depend. Great folks, well come, that's a good +joke--that bangs the bush. No, my friend, says I, the +meat that's at the top of the barrel, is sometimes not +so good as that that's a little grain lower down; the +upper and lower eends are plaguy apt to have a little +taint in 'em, but the middle is always good. + +Well, says the Blue Nose, perhaps they beant great men, +exactly in that sense, but they are great men compared +to us poor folks; and they eat up all the revenue, there's +nothin left for roads and bridges, they want to ruin the +country, that's a fact. Want to ruin your granny, says +I, (for it raised my dander to hear the critter talk such +nonsense.) I did hear of one chap, says I, that sot fire +to his own house once, up to Squantum, but the cunnin +rascal insured it first; now how can your great folks +ruin the country without ruinin themselves, unless they +have insured the Province? Our folks will insure all +creation for half nothin, but I never heerd tell of a +country being insured agin rich men. Now if you ever go +to Wall Street to get such a policy, leave the door open +behind you, that's all; or they'll grab right hold of +you, shave your head and blister it, clap a straight +jacket on you, and whip you right into a mad house, afore +you can say Jack Robinson. No, your great men are nothin +but rich men, and I can tell you for your comfort, there's +nothin to hinder you from bein rich too, if you will take +the same means as they did. They were once all as poor +folks as you be, or their fathers afore them; for I know +their whole breed, seed and generation, and they would'nt +thank you to tell them that you knew their fathers and +grand fathers, I tell you. If ever you want the loan of +a hundred pounds from any of them, keep dark about that +--see as far ahead as you please, but it tante always +pleasant to have folks see too far back. Perhaps they be +a little proud or so, but that's nateral; all folks that +grow up right off, like a mushroom in one night, are apt +to think no small beer of themselves. A cabbage has plaguy +large leaves to the bottom, and spreads them out as wide +as an old woman's petticoats, to hide the ground it sprung +from, and conceal its extraction, but what's that to you? +If they get too large salaries, dock 'em down at once, +but don't keep talkin about it for everlastinly. If you +have too many sarvents, pay some on 'em off, or when they +quit your sarvice don't hire others in their room, that's +all; but you miss your mark when you keep firin away the +whole blessed time that way. + +I went out a gunnin when I was a boy, and father went +with me to teach me. Well, the first flock of plover I +seed I let slip at them and missed them. Says father, +says he, what a blockhead you be, Sam, that's your own +fault, they were too far off, you had'nt ought to have +fired so soon. At Bunker's hill we let the British come +right on till we seed the whites of their eyes, and then +we let them have it slap bang. Well, I felt kinder grigged +at missin my shot, and I did'nt over half like to be +scolded too; so, says I yes, father, but recollect you +had a mud bank to hide behind, where you were proper +safe, and you had a rest for your guns too; but as soon +as you seed a little more than the whites of their eyes, +you run for dear life, full split, and so I don't see +much to brag on in that arter all, so come now. I'll +teach you to talk that way, you puppy you, said he, of +that glorious day; and he fetched me a wipe that I do +believe if I had'nt a dodged, would have spoiled my gunnin +for that hitch; so I gave him a wide birth arter that +all day. Well, the next time I missed, says I, she hung +fire so everlastinly, its no wonder--and the next miss, +says I, the powder is no good, I vow. Well, I missed +every shot, and I had an excuse for every one on 'em--the +flint was bad, or she flashed in the pan, or the shot +scaled, or something or another; and when all would'nt +do, I swore the gun was no good at all. Now, says father, +(and he edged up all the time, to pay me off for that +hit at his Bunker hill story, which was the only shot I +did'nt miss,) you han't got the right reason arter all. +It was your own fault, Sam. Now that's jist the case with +you; you may blame Banks and Council, and House of +Assembly, and "the great men," till you are tired, but +its all your own fault--YOU'VE NO SPIRIT AND NO ENTERPRISE, +YOU WANT INDUSTRY AND ECONOMY; USE THEM, AND YOU'LL SOON +BE AS RICH AS THE PEOPLE AT HALIFAX YOU CALL GREAT +FOLKS--they did'nt grow rich by talking, but by working; +instead of lookin after other folks' business, they looked +about the keenest arter their own. You are like the +machinery of one of our boats, good enough, and strong +enough, but of no airthly use till you get the steam up; +you want to be set in motion, and then you'll go ahead +like any thing, you may depend. Give up politics--its a +barren field, and well watched too; when one critter +jumps a fence into a good field and gets fat, more nor +twenty are chased round and round, by a whole pack of +yelpin curs, till they are fairly beat out, and eend by +bein half starved, and are at the liftin at last. look +to your farms--your water powers--your fisheries, and +factories. in short, says I, puttin on my hat and startin, +look to yourselves, and don't look to others. + + + + +No. XXII + +A Cure for Conceit. + +Its a most curious unaccountable thing, but its a fact, +said the Clockmaker, the Blue Noses are so conceited, +they think they know every thing; and yet there aint a +livin soul in Nova Scotia knows his own business real +complete, farmer or fisherman, lawyer or doctor, or any +other folk. A farmer said to me one day, up to Pugnose's +inn at River Philip, Mr. Slick, says he, I allot this +aint "A BREAD COUNTRY;" I intend to sell off the house +I improve, and go to the States. If it aint a bread +country, said I, I never see'd one that was. There is +more bread used here, made of best superfine flour, and +No. 1. Genesssee, than in any other place of the same +population in the univarse. You might as well say it aint +a Clock Country, when, to my sartin knowledge, there are +more clocks than bibles in it. I guess you expect to +raise your bread ready made, dont you? Well there's only +one class of our free and enlightened citizens that can +do that, and that's them that are born with silver spoons +in their mouths. It's a pity you was'nt availed of this +truth, afore you up killoch and off--take my advice and +bide where you be. Well the fishermen are jist as bad. +The next time you go into the fish market at Halifax, +stump some of the old hands; says you "how many fins has +a cod at a word," and I'll liquidate the bet if you lose +it. When I've been along-shore afore now, a vendin of my +clocks, and they began to raise my dander, by belittleing +the Yankees, I always brought them up by a round turn by +that requirement, "how many fins has a cod at a word." +Well they never could answer it; and then, says I, when +you larn your own business, I guess it will be time enough +to teach other folks theirn. How different it is with +our men folk, if they cant get thro' a question, how +beautifully they can go round it, can't they? Nothin +never stops them. I had two brothers, Josiah and Eldad, +one was a lawyer, and the other a doctor. They were a +talkin about their examinations one night, at a huskin +frolic, up to Governor Ball's big stone barn at Slickville. +Says Josy, when I was examined, the Judge axed me all +about real estate; and, says he, Josiah, says he, what's +a fee? Why, says I, Judge, it depends on the natur of +the case. In a common one, says I, I call six dollars +a pretty fair one; but lawyer Webster has got afore now, +I've heerd tell, 1,000 dollars, and that _I_ DO CALL a +fee. Well, the Judge he larfed ready to split his sides; +(thinks I, old chap, you'll bust like a steam byler, if +you hant got a safety valve somewhere or another,) and, +says he, I vow that's superfine; I'll indorse your +certificate for you, young man; there's no fear of you, +you'll pass the inspection brand any how. + +Well, says Eldad, I hope I may be skinned if the same +thing did'nt een amost happen to me at my examination. +They axed me a nation sight of questions, some on 'em I +could answer, and some on 'em no soul could, right off +the reel at a word, without a little cypherin; at last +they axed me, "How would you calculate to put a patient +into a sweat, when common modes would'nt work no how?" +Why, says I, I'd do as Dr. Comfort Payne sarved father; +and how was that, said they. Why, says I, he put him into +such a sweat as I never seed him in afore, in all my born +days, since I was raised, by sending him in his bill, +and if that did'nt sweat him it's a pity; it was an ACTIVE +dose you may depend. I guess that are chap has cut his +eye teeth, said the President, let him pass as approbated. + +They both knowed well enough, they only made as if they +did'nt, to poke a little fun at them, for the Slick family +were counted in a general way to be pretty considerable +cute. + +They reckon themselves here, a chalk above us Yankees, +but I guess they have a wrinkle or two to grow afore they +progress ahead on us yet. If they hant got a full cargo +of conceit here, then I never seed a load, that's all. +They have the hold chock full, deck piled up to the pump +handles, and scuppers under water. They larnt that of +the British, who are actilly so full of it, they remind +me of Commodore Trip. When he was about half shaved he +thought every body drunk but himself. I never liked the +last war, I thought it unnateral, and that we hadnt ought +to have taken hold of it at all, and so most of our New +England folks thought; and I wasn't sorry to hear Gineral +Dearborne was beat, seeing we had no call to go into +Canada. But when the Guerriere was captivated by our +old Ironsides, the Constitution, I did feel lifted up +amost as high as a stalk of Varginey corn among Connecticut +middlins; I grew two inches taller I vow, the night I +heerd that news. Brag, says I, is a good dog, but hold +fast is better. The British navals had been a braggin +and a hectorin so long, that when they landed in our +cities, they swaggered een amost as much as Uncle Peleg +(big Peleg as he was called), and when he walked up the +centre of one of our narrow Boston streets, he used to +swing his arms on each side of him, so that folks had to +clear out of both foot paths; he's eat, afore now, the +fingers of both hands agin the shop windows on each side +of the street. Many the poor feller's cruper bone he's +smashed, with his great thick boots, a throwin out his +feet afore him een amost out of sight, when he was in +full rig a swigglin away at the top of his gait. Well +they cut as many shines as Uncle Peleg. One Frigate they +guessed would captivate, sink, or burn our whole navy. +Says a naval one day, to the skipper of a fishing boat +that he took, says he, is it true Commodore Decatur's +sword is made of an old iron hoop? Well, says the skipper, +I'm not quite certified as to that, seein as I never sot +eyes on it; but I guess if he gets a chance he'll shew +you the temper of it some of these days, any how. + +I mind once a British man-o'-war took one of our Boston +vessels, and ordered all hands on board, and sent a party +to skuttle her; well, they skuttled the fowls and the +old particular genuine rum, but they obliviated their +arrand and left her. Well, next day another frigate (for +they were as thick as toads arter a rain) comes near her, +and fires a shot for her to bring to. No answer was made, +there bein no livin soul on board, and another shot fired, +still no answer. Why what on airth is the meanin of this, +said the Captain, why dont they haul down that damn goose +and gridiron (thats what he called our eagle and stars +on the flag.) Why, says the first leftenant, I guess they +are all dead men, that shot frightened them to death. +They are afeared to show their noses says another, lest +they should be shaved off by our shots. They are all down +below a "CALCULATIN" their loss I guess, says a third. +I'll take my davy says the Captain, its some Yankee trick, +a torpedo in her bottom or some such trap--we'll let her +be, and sure enough, next day, back she came to shore of +herself. I'll give you a quarter of an hour, says the +Captain of the Guerriere to his men, to take that are +Yankee frigate the Constitution. I guess he found his +mistake where he didn't expect it, without any great +sarch for it either. Yes; (to eventuate my story) it +did me good, I felt dreadful nice, I promise you. It was +as lovely as bitters of a cold mornin. Our folks beat +'em arter that so often, they got a little grain too much +conceit also. They got their heels too high for their +boots, and began to walk like uncle Peleg too, so that +when the Chesapeake got whipped I warnt sorry. We could +spare that one, and it made our navals look round, like +a feller who gets a hoist, to see who's a larfin at him. +It made 'em brush the dust off, and walk on rather +sheepish. It cut their combs that's a fact. The war did +us a plaguy sight of good in more ways than one, and it +did the British some good too. It taught 'em not to carry +their chins too high, for fear they should'nt see the +gutters--a mistake that's spoiled many a bran new coat +and trowsers afore now. + +Well, these Blue Noses have caught this disease, as folks +do the Scotch fiddle, by shakin hands along with the +British. Conceit has become here, as Doctor Rush says, +(you have heerd tell of him, he's the first man of the +age, and its generally allowed our doctors take the shine +off of all the world) acclimated, it is citizenised among +'em, and the only cure is a real good quiltin. I met a +first chop Colchester Gag this summer a goin to the races +to Halifax, and he knowed as much about racin, I do +suppose, as a Chictaw Ingian does of a rail road. Well, +he was a praisin of his horse, and runnin on like Statiee. +He was begot, he said, by Roncesvalles, which was better +than any horse that ever was seen, because he was once +in a duke's stable in England. It was only a man that +had blood like a lord, said he, that knew what blood in +a horse was. Capt. Currycomb, an officer at Halifax, had +seen his horse and praised him, and that was enough--that +stamped him--that fixed his value. It was like the +President's name to a bank note, it makes it pass current. +Well, says I, I hant got a drop of blood in me nothin +stronger than molasses and water, I vow, but I guess I +know a horse when I see him for all that, and I dont +think any great shakes of your beast, any how; what start +will you give me, says I, and I will run "Old Clay" agin +you, for a mile lick right an eend. Ten rods, said he, +for twenty dollars. Well, we run, and I made "Old Clay" +bite in his breath and only beat him by half a neck. A +tight scratch says I, that, and it would have sarved me +right if I had been beat. I had no business to run an +old roadster so everlastin fast, it aint fair on him, is +it? Says he, I will double the bet and start even, and +run you agin if you dare. Well, says I, since I won the +last it would'nt be pretty not to give you a chance; I +do suppose I oughtn't to refuse, but I dont love to abuse +my beast by knockin him about this way. + +As soon as the money was staked, I said, had'nt we better, +says I, draw stakes, that are blood horse of yourn has +such uncommon particular bottom, he'll perhaps leave me +clean out of sight. No fear of that, said he, larfin, +but he'll beat you easy, any how. No flinchin, says he, +I'll not let you go back of the bargain. Its run or +forfeit. Well, says I, friend, there is fear of it; your +horse will leave me out of sight, to a sartainty, thats +a fact, for he CANT KEEP UP TO ME NO TIME. I'll drop him, +hull down, in tu twos. If old Clay did'nt make a fool of +him, its a pity. Did'nt he gallop pretty, that's all? He +walked away from him, jist as the Chancellor Livingston +steam boat passes a sloop at anchor in the north river. +Says I, I told you your horse would beat me clean out of +sight, but you would'nt believe me; now, says I, I will +tell you something else. That are horse will help, you +to lose more money to Halifax than you are a thinkin on; +for there aint a beast gone down there that wont beat +him. He cant run a bit, and you may tell the British +Captain I say so. Take him home and sell him, buy a good +yoke of oxen; they are fast enough for a farmer, and give +up blood horses to them that can afford to keep stable +helps to tend 'em, and leave bettin alone to them, as +has more money nor wit, and can afford to lose their +cash, without thankin agin of their loss. When _I_ WANT +your advice, said he, I will ASK IT, most peskily sulky. +You might have got it before you AXED for it, said I, +but not afore you WANTED it, you may depend on it. But +stop, said I, let's see that all's right afore we part; +so I counts over the fifteen pounds I won of him, note +by note, as slow as any thing, on purpose to ryle him, +then I mounts "old Clay" agin, and says I, friend, you +have considerably the advantage of me this hitch, any +how. Possible! says he, how's that? Why, says I, I guess +you'll return rather lighter than you came--and that's +more nor I can say, any how, and then I gave him a wink +and a jupe of the head, as much as to say, "do you take?" +and rode on and left him starin and scratchin his head +like a feller who's lost his road. If that citizen aint +a born fool, or too far gone in the disease, depend on't, +he found "A CURE FOR CONCEIT." + + + + +No. XXIII + +The Blowin Time. + +The long rambling dissertation on conceit to which I had +just listened, from the Clockmaker, forcibly reminded me +of the celebrated aphorism "gnothi seauton," know thyself, +which, both from its great antiquity and wisdom, has been +by many attributed to an oracle. + +With all his shrewdness to discover, and his humor to +ridicule the foibles of others, Mr. Slick was kind to +the many defects of his own character; and, while +prescribing "a cure for conceit," exhibited in all he +said, and all he did, the most overweening conceit himself. +He never spoke of his own countrymen, without calling +them "the most free and enlightened citizens on the face +of the airth," or as "takin the shine off of all creation." +His country he boasted to be the "best atween the poles," +"the greatest glory under heaven." The Yankees he considered +(to use his expression) as "actilly the class-leaders in +knowledge among all the Americans," and boasted that they +have not only "gone ahead of all others," but had lately +arrived at that most enviable no plus ultra point "of +goin ahead of themselves." In short, he entertained no +doubt that Slickville was the finest place in the greatest +nation in the world, and the Slick family the wisest +family in it. I was about calling his attention to this +national trait, when I saw him draw his reins under his +foot, (a mode of driving peculiar to himself, when he +wish'd to economise the time that would otherwise be lost +by an unnecessary delay,) and taking off his hat, (which, +like a pedlar's pack, contained a general assortment,) +select from a number of loose cigars one that appeared +likely to "go," as he called it. Having lighted it by a +lucifer, and ascertained that it was "true in draft," he +resumed his reins and remarked, This must be an everlastin +fine country beyond all doubt, for the folks have nothin +to do but to ride about and talk politics. In winter, +when the ground is covered with snow, what grand times +they have a slayin over these here mashes with the galls, +or playin ball on the ice, or goin to quiltin frolics of +nice long winter evenings and then a drivin home like +mad, by moonlight. Natur meant that season on purpose +for courtin. A little tidy scrumptious lookin slay, a +real clipper of a horse, a string of bells as long as a +string of inions round his neck, and a sprig on his back, +lookin for all the world like a bunch of apples broke +off at gatherin time, and a sweetheart alongside, all +muffled up but her eyes and lips--the one lookin right +into you, and the other talkin right at you--is een a +most enough to drive one ravin tarin distracted mad with +pleasure, aint it? And then the dear critters say the +bells make such a din there's no hearin one's self speak; +so they put their pretty little mugs close up to your +face, and talk, talk, talk, till one can't help lookin +right at them instead of the horse, and then whap you +both go capsized into, a snow drift together, skins, +cushions and all. And then to see the little critter +shake herself when she gets up, like a duck landin from +a pond, a chatterin away all the time like a Canary bird, +and you a haw-hawin with pleasure, is fun alive, you may +depend. In this way Blue Nose gets led on to offer himself +as a lovier, afore he knows where he bees. But when he +gets married, he recovers his eyesight in little less +than half no time. He soon finds he's treed; his flint +is fixed then, you may depend. She larns him how vinegar +is made: Put plenty of sugar into the water aforehand, +my dear, says she, if you want to make it real sharp. +The larf is on the other side of his mouth then. If his +slay gets upsot, its no longer a funny matter, I tell +you; he catches it right and left. Her eyes don't look +right up to hisn any more, nor her little tongue ring, +ring, ring, like a bell any longer, but a great big hood +covers her head, and a whappin great muff covers her +face, and she looks like a bag of soiled clothes agoin +to the brook to be washed. When they get out, she don't +wait any more for him to walk lock and lock with her, +but they march like a horse and a cow to water, one in +each gutter. If there aint a transmogrification its a +pity. The difference atween a wife and a sweetheart is +near about as great as there is between new and hard +cider--a man never tires of puttin one to his lips, but +makes plaguy wry faces at tother. It makes me so kinder +wamblecropt when I think on it, that I'm afeared to +venture on matrimony at all. I have seen some Blue Noses +most properly bit, you may depend. You've seen a boy a +slidin on a most beautiful smooth bit of ice, ha'nt you, +larfin, and hoopin, and hallooin like one possessed, when +presently sowse he goes in over head and ears? How he +out fins and flops about, and blows like a porpoise +properly frightened, don't he? and when he gets out there +he stands; all shiverin and shakin, and the water a +squish-squashin in his shoes, and his trowsers all stickin +slimsey like to his legs. Well, he sneaks off home, lookin +like a fool, and thinkin every body he meets is a larfin +at him--many folks here are like that are boy, afore they +have been six months married. They'd be proper glad to +get out of the scrape too, and sneak off if they could, +that's a fact. The marriage yoke is plaguy apt to gall +the neck, as the ash bow does the ox in rainy weather, +unless it be most particularly well fitted. You've seen +a yoke of cattle that warn't properly mated, they spend +more strength in pullin agin each other, than in pullin +the load. Well that's apt to be the case with them as +choose their wives in sleighin parties, quiltin frolicks, +and so on; instead of the dairies, looms, and cheese +house. Now the Blue Noses are all a stirrin in winter. +The young folks drive out the galls, and talk love and +all sorts of things as sweet as dough-nuts. The old folks +find it near about as well to leave the old women to +home, for fear they should'nt keep tune together; so they +drive out alone to chat about House of Assembly with +their neighbors, while the boys and hired helps do the +chores. When the Spring comes, and the fields are dry +enough to be sowed, they all have to be plowed, CAUSE +FALL RAINS WASH THE LANDS TOO MUCH FOR FALL PLOUGHIN. +Well the plows have to be mended and sharpened, CAUSE +WHAT'S THE USE OF DOIN THAT AFORE ITS WANTED. Well the +wheat gets in too late, and then comes rust, but whose +fault is that? WHY THE CLIMATE TO BE SURE, FOR NOVA SCOTIA +AINT A BREAD COUNTRY. + +When a man has to run ever so far as fast as he can clip, +he has to stop and take breath; you must do that or choke. +So it is with a horse; run him a mile, and his flanks +will heave like a Blacksmith's bellows; you must slack +up the rein and give him a little wind, or he'll fall +right down with you. It stands to reason, don't it? Atwixt +spring and fall work is "BLOWIN TIME." Then Courts come +on, and Grand Jury business, and Militia trainin, and +Race trainin, and what not; and a fine spell of ridin +about and doin nothin, a real "BLOWIN TIME." Then comes +harvest, and that is proper hard work, mowin and pitchin +hay, and reapin and bindin grain, and potatoe diggin. +That's as hard as sole leather, afore its hammered on +the lap stone--it's most next to any thing. It takes +a feller as tuff as Old Hickory (General Jackson) to +stand that. + +Ohio is most the only country I knew of where folks are +saved that trouble; and there the freshets come jist in +the nick of time for 'em, and sweep all the crops right +up in a heap for 'em, and they have nothin to do but take +it home and house it, and sometimes a man gets more than +his own crop, and finds a proper swad of it all ready +piled up, only a little wet or so; but all countries aint +like Ohio. Well, arter harvest comes fall, and then +there's a grand "blowin time" till spring. Now, how the +Lord the Blue Noses can complain of their country, when +its only one third work and two-thirds "blowin time," no +soul can tell. Father used to say, when I lived on the +farm along with him--Sam, says he, I vow I wish there +was jist four hundred days in the year, for its a plaguy +sight too short for me. I can find as much work as all +hands on us can do for 365 days, and jist 35 days more, +if we had 'em. We han't got a minit to spare; you must +shell the corn and winner the grain at night, and clean +all up slick, or I guess we'll fall astarn as sure as +the Lord made Moses. If he didn't keep us all at it, a +drivin away full chisel, the whole blessed time, its a +pity. There was no "blowin time" there, you may depend. +We plowed all the fall for dear life; in winter we +thrashed, made and mended tools, went to market and mill, +and got out our firewood and rails. As soon as frost was +gone, came sowin and plantin, weedin and hoein--then +harvest and spreadin compost--then gatherin manure, fencin +and ditchin--and then turn tu and fall plowin agin. It +all went round like a wheel without stoppin, and so fast, +I guess you couldn't see the spokes, just one long +everlastin stroke from July to etarnity, without time to +look back on the tracks. Instead of racin over the +country like a young doctor, to show how busy a man is +that has nothin to do, as Blue Nose does, and then take +a "blowin time," we kept a rale travellin gate, an +eight-mile-an-hour pace, the whole year round. THEY BUY +MORE NOR THEY SELL, AND EAT MORE THAN THEY RAISE, in this +country. What a pretty way that is, is'nt it? If the +critters knew how to cypher, they would soon find out +that a sum stated that way always eends in a naught. I +never knew it to fail, and I defy any soul to cypher it +so, as to make it come out any other way, either by +Schoolmaster's Assistant or Algebra. When I was a boy, +the Slickville bank broke, and an awful disorderment it +made, that's a fact; nothin else was talked of. Well, I +studied it over a long time, but I could'nt make it out: +so says I, Father, how came that are bank to break? Warn't +it well built? I thought that are Quincy granite was so +amazin strong all natur would'nt break it. Why you foolish +critter, says he, it tante the buildin that's broke, its +the consarn that's smashed. Well, says I, I know folks +are plaguilly consarned about it, but what do you call +"folks smashin their consarns?" Father he larfed out like +any thing; I thought he never would stop--and sister +Sall got right up and walked out of the room, as mad as +a hatter. Says she, Sam, I do believe you are a born +fool, I vow. When father had done larfin, says he, I'll +tell you, Sam, how it was. They cyphered it so that they +brought out nothin for a remainder. Possible! says I; +I thought there was no eend to their puss. I thought it +was like Uncle Peleg's musquash hole, and that no soul +could ever find the bottom of. My!! says I. Yes, says +he, that are bank spent and lost more money than it made, +and when folks do that, they must smash at last, if their +puss be as long as the national one of Uncle Sam. This +Province is like that are Bank of ourn, it's goin the +same road, and they'll find the little eend of the horn +afore they think they are halfway down to it. + +If folks would only give over talkin about that everlastin +House of Assembly and Council, and see to their farms, +it would be better for 'em, I guess; for arter all, what +is it? Why it's only a sort of first chop Grand Jury, +and nothin else. It's no more like Congress or Parliament, +than Marm Pugwash's keepin room is like our State hall. +It's jist nothin--Congress makes war and peace, has a +say in all treaties, confarms all great nominations of +the President, regilates the army and navy, governs +twenty-four independent States, and snaps its fingers in +the face of all the nations of Europe, as much as to say, +who be you? I allot I am as big as you be. If you are +six foot high, I am six foot six in my stockin feet, by +gum, and can lambaste any two on you in no time. The +British can whip all the world, and we can whip the +British. But this little House of Assembly that folks +make such a touss about, what is it? Why jist a decent +Grand Jury. They make their presentments of little money +votes, to mend these everlastin rottin little wooden +bridges, to throw a poultice of mud once a year on the +roads, and then take a "blowin time" of three months and +go home. The littler folks be, the bigger they talk. You +never seed a small man that did'nt wear high heel boots, +and a high, crowned bat, and that war'nt ready to fight +most any one, to show he was a man every inch of him. I +met a member the other day, who swaggered near about as +large as Uncle Peleg. He looked as if he thought you +could'nt find his "ditto" any where. He used some most +particular educational words, genuine jaw-breakers. He +put me in mind of a squirrel I once shot in our wood +location. The little critter got a hickory nut in his +mouth; well, he found it too hard to crack, and too big +to swaller, and for the life and soul of him, he could'nt +spit it out agin. If he did'nt look like a proper fool, +you may depend. We had a pond back of our barn about the +bigness of a good sizeable wash-tub, and it was chock +full of frogs. Well, one of these little critters fancied +himself a bull-frog, and he puffed out his cheeks, and +took a real "blowin time" of it; he roared away like +thunder; at last he puffed and puffed out till he bust +like a byler. If I see the Speaker this winter, (and I +shall see him to a sartainty if they don't send for him +to London, to teach their new Speaker) and he's up to +snuff, that are man; he knows how to cypher--I'll jist +say to him, Speaker, says I, if any of your folks in the +House go to swell out like dropsy, give 'em a hint in +time. Says you, if you have are a little safety valve +about you, let off a little steam now and then, or you'll +go for it; recollect the Clockmaker's story of the "Blowin +time." + + + + +No. XXIV + +Father John O'Shaughnessy. + +To morrow will be Sabbath day, said the Clockmaker; I +guess we'll bide where we be till Monday. I like a Sabbath +in the country--all natur seems at rest. There's a +cheerfulness in the day here, you don't find in towns. +You have natur before you here, and nothin but art there. +The deathy stillness of a town, and the barred windows, +and shut shops, and empty streets, and great long lines +of big brick buildins, look melancholy. It seems as if +life had ceased tickin, but there had'nt been time for +decay to take hold on there; as if day had broke, but +man slept. I can't describe exactly what I mean, but I +always feel kinder gloomy and whamblecropt there. Now in +the country its jist what it ought to be--a day of rest +for man and beast from labor. When a man rises on the +Sabbath, and looks out on the sunny fields and wavin +crops, his heart feels proper grateful, and he says, +come, this is a splendid day, aint it? let's get ready +and put on our bettermost close, and go to meetin. His +first thought is prayerfully to render thanks; and then +when he goes to worship he meets all his neighbors, and +he knows them all, and they are glad to see each other, +and if any two on 'em hant exactly gee'd together durin +the week, why they meet on kind of neutral ground, and +the minister or neighbours make peace atween them. But +it tante so in towns. You don't know no one you meet +there. Its the worship of neighbors, but its the worship +of strangers, too, for neighbors don't know nor care +about each other. Yes, I love a Sabbath in the country. +While uttering this soliloquy, he took up a pamphlet from +the table, and turning to the title page, said, have you +ever seen this here book on the "Elder Controversy." +[Footnote: A Controversy on the subject of Infant Baptism.] +This author's friends say its a clincher; they say he +has sealed up Elder's mouth as tight as a bottle. No, +said I, I have not; I have heard of it, but never read +it. In my opinion the subject has been exhausted already, +and admits of nothing new bein said upon it. These +religious controversies are a serious injury to the cause +of true religion; they are deeply deplored by the good +and moderate men of all parties. It has already embraced +several denominations in the dispute in this Province, +and I hear the agitation has extended to New Brunswick, +where it will doubtless be renewed with equal zeal. I am +told all the pamphlets are exceptionable in point of +temper, and this one in particular, which not only ascribes +the most unworthy motives to its antagonist, but contains +some very unjustifiable and gratuitous attacks, upon +other sects unconnected with the dispute. The author has +injured his own cause, for an INTEMPERATE ADVOCATE IS +MORE DANGEROUS THAN AN OPEN FOE. There is no doubt on +it, said the Clockmaker, it is as clear as mud, and you +are not the only one that thinks so, I tell you. About +the hottest time of the dispute, I was to Halifax, and +who should I meet but Father John O'Shaughnessy, a Catholic +Priest. I had met him afore in Cape Breton, and had sold +him a clock. Well, he was a leggin it off hot foot. +Possible! says I, Father John, is that you? Why, what on +airth is the matter of you--what makes you in such an +everlastin hurry, driven away like one ravin distracted +mad? A sick visit, says he; poor Pat Lanigan, him that +you mind to Bradore Lake, well he's near about at the +pint of death. I guess not, said I, for I jist heerd tell +he was dead. Well, that brought him up all standin, and +he bouts ship in a jiffy, and walks a little way with +me, and we got a talkin about this very subject. Says +he, what are you, Mr. Slick? Well, I looks up to him and +winks, a Clockmaker, says I; well he smiled, and says +he, I see; as much as to say I had'nt ought to have axed +that are question at all, I guess, for every man's religion +is his own, and nobody else's business. Then, says he, +you know all about this country, who do folks say has +the best of the dispute. Says I, Father John, its like +the battles up to Canada lines last war, each side claims +victory; I guess there aint much to brag on nary way, +damage done on both sides, and nothin gained, as far as +I can learn. He stopt short, and looked me in the face, +and says he, Mr. Slick you are a man that has seed a good +deal of the world, and a considerable of an understandin +man, and I guess I CAN talk to YOU. Now, says he, for +gracious sake do jist look here, and see how you heretics +(protestants I mean, says he, for I guess that are word +slipt out without leave,) are by the ears, a driven away +at each other, the whole blessed time tooth and nail, +hip and thigh, hammer and tongs, disputin, revilin, +wranglin, and beloutin each other, with all sorts of ugly +names that they can lay their tongues to. Is that the +way you love your neighbor as yourself? WE SAY THIS IS +A PRACTICAL COMMENT ON SCHISM, and by the powers of Moll +Kelly, said he, but they all ought to be well lambasted +together, the whole batch on 'em entirely. Says I, Father +John, give me your hand; there are some things, I guess, +you and I don't agree on, and most likely never will, +seein that you are a Popish priest; but in that idee I +do opinionate with you, and I wish with all my heart all +the world thought with us. I guess he didn't half like +that are word Popish priest; it seemed to grig him like; +his face looked kinder' ryled, like well water arter a +heavy rain; and said he, Mr. Slick, says he, your country +is a free country, aint it? The freest, says I, on the +face of the airth--you can't "ditto" it nowhere. We are +as free as the air, and when our dander's up, stronger +than any hurricane you ever seed--tear up all creation +most; there aint the beat of it to be found any where. +Do you call this a free country? said he. Pretty +considerable middlin, says I, seein that they are under +a king. Well, says he, if you were seen in Connecticut +a shakin hands along with a Popish priest, as you are +pleased to call me, (and he made me a bow, as much as to +say mind your trumps the next deal) as you now are in +the streets of Halifax along with me, with all your +crackin and boastin of your freedom, I guess you wouldn't +sell a clock agin in that State for one while, I tell +you, and he bid me good mornin and turned away. Father +John! says I. I can't stop, says he; I must see that poor +critter's family; they must be in great trouble, and a +sick visit is afore controvarsy in my creed. Well, says +I, one word with you afore you go; if that are name Popish +priest was an ongenteel one, I ax your pardon; I didn't +mean no offence, I do assure you, and I'll say this for +your satisfaction, tu, you're the first man in this +Province that ever gave me a real right down complete +checkmate since I first sot foot in it, I'll be skinned +if you aint. Yes, said Mr. Slick, Father John was right; +these antagonizing chaps ought to be well quilted, the +whole raft of 'em. It fairly makes me sick to see the +folks, each on 'em a backin up of their own man. At it +agin, says one; fair play, says another; stick it into +him, says a third; and that's your sort, says a fourth. +Them are the folks who do mischief. They show such clear +grit it fairly frightens me. It makes my hair stand right +up an eend to see ministers do that are. IT APPEARS TO +ME THAT I COULD WRITE A BOOK IN FAVOR OF MYSELF AND MY +NOTIONS WITHOUT WRITIN AGIN ANY ONE, AND IF I COULDN'T +I WOULDN'T WRITE AT ALL, I SNORE. Our old minister, Mr. +Hopewell, (a real good man, and a larned man too that,) +they sent to him once to write agin the Unitarians, for +they are a goin ahead like statiee in New England, but +he refused. Said he, Sam, says he, when I first went to +Cambridge, there was a boxer and wrastler came there, +and he beat every one wherever he went. Well, old Mr. +Possit was the Church of England parson at Charlestown, +at the time, and a terrible powerful man he was--a real +sneezer, and as ACTIVE as a weasel. Well, the boxer met +him one day, a little way out of town, a takin of his +evenin walk, and said he, Parson, says he, they say you +are a most a plaguy strong man and uncommon stiff too. +Now, says he, I never seed a man yet that was a match +for me; would you have any objection jist to let me be +availed of your strength here in a friendly way, by +ourselves, where no soul would be the wiser; if you will +I'll keep dark about it, I swan. Go your way, said the +Parson, and tempt me not; you are a carnal minded wicked +man, and I take no pleasure in such vain idle sports. +Very well, said the boxer; now here I stand, says he, in +the path, right slap afore you; if you pass round me, +then I take it as a sign that you are afeard on me, and +if you keep the path, why then you must first put me +out--that's a fact. The Parson jist made a spring forrard, +and kitched him up as quick as wink, and throwed him +right over the fence whap on the broad of his back, and +then walked on as if nothin had happened--as demure as +you please, and lookin as meek as if butter would'nt melt +in his mouth. Stop, said the boxer, as soon as he picked +himself up, stop Parson, said he, that's a good man, and +jist chuck over my horse too, will you, for I swan I +believe you could do one near about as easy as tother. +My! said he, if that don't bang the bush; you are another +guess chap from what I took you to be, any how. Now, said +Mr. Hopewell, says he, I won't write, but if are a +Unitarian crosses my path, I'll jist over the fence with +him in no time, as the parson did the boxer; FOR WRITIN +ONLY AGGRAVATES YOUR OPPONENTS, AND NEVER CONVINCES THEM. +I NEVER SEED A CONVERT MADE BY THAT WAY YET, BUT I'LL +TELL YOU WHAT I HAVE SEED, A MAN SET HIS OWN FLOCK A +DOUBTIN BY HIS OWN WRITIN. YOU MAY HAPPIFY YOUR ENEMIES, +CANTANKERATE YOUR OPPONENTS, AND, INJURE YOUR OWN CAUSE +BY IT, BUT I DEFY YOU TO SARVE IT. These writers, said +he, put me in mind of that are boxer's pupils. He would +sometimes set two on 'em to spar; well, they'd put on +their gloves and begin, larfin and jokin all in good +humor. Presently one on 'em would put in a pretty hard +blow; well, tother would return it in airnest. Oh, says +the other, if that's your play, off gloves and at it; +and sure enough, away would fly their gloves, and at it +they'd go tooth and nail. + +No, Sam, the misfortin is, we are all apt to think Scriptur +intended for our neighbors, and not for ourselves. The +poor all think it made for the rich. Look at that are +Dives, they say, what an all fired scrape he got into by +his avarice, with Lazarus; and aint it writ as plain as +any thing, that them folks will find it as easy to go to +heaven, as for a camel to go through the eye of a needle. +Well, then, the rich think it all made for the poor--that +they sharnt steal nor bear false witness, but shall be +obedient to them that's in authority. And as for them +are Unitarians, and he always got his dander up when he +spoke of them, why there's no doin nothin with them, says +he. When they get fairly stumped, and you produce a text +that they can't get over, nor get round, why they say it +tante in our varsion at all--that's an interpolation, +its an invention of them are everlastin monks; there's +nothin left for you to do with them, but to sarve them +as Parson Possit detailed the boxer--lay right hold of +'em, and chuck 'em over the fence, even if they were as +big as all out doors. That's what our folks ought to +have done with 'em at first, pitched 'em clean out of +the state, and let 'em go down to Nova-Scotia, or some +such outlandish place, for they aint fit to live in no +christian country at all. + +Fightin is no way to make converts; THE TRUE WAY IS TO +WIN 'EM. You may stop a man's mouth, Sam, says he, by a +crammin a book down his throat, but you won't convince +him. Its a fine thing to write a book all covered over +with Latin, and Greek, and Hebrew, like a bridle that's +real jam, all spangled with brass nails, but who knows +whether its right or wrong? why not one in ten thousand. +If I had my religion to choose, and warn't able to judge +for myself I'll tell you what I'd do: I'd just ask myself +WHO LEADS THE BEST LIVES? Now, says he, Sam, I won't say +who do, because it would look like vanity to say it was +the folks who hold to our platform, but I'll tell you +who don't. IT AINT THEM THAT MAKES THE GREATEST PROFESSIONS +ALWAYS; and mind what I tell you, Sam, when you go a +tradin with your clocks away down east to Nova-Scotia, +and them wild provinces, keep a bright look out on them +as cant too much, FOR A LONG FACE is plaguy apt to COVER +A LONG CONSCIENCE--that's a fact. + + + + +No. XXV + +Taming a Shrew. + +The road from Amherst to Parrsboro' is tedious and +uninteresting. In places it is made so straight, that +you can see several miles of it before you, which produces +an appearance of interminable length, while the stunted +growth of the spruce and birch trees bespeaks a cold thin +soil, and invests the scene with a melancholy and sterile +aspect. Here and there occurs a little valley with its +meandering stream, and verdant and fertile intervale, +which, though possessing nothing peculiar to distinguish +it from many others of the same kind, strikes the traveller +as superior to them all, from the contrast to the +surrounding country. One of these secluded spots attracted +my attention, from the number and neatness of the buildings, +which its proprietor, a tanner and currier, had erected +for the purposes of his trade. Mr. Slick said be knew +him, and he guessed it was a pity he couldn't keep his +wife in as good order as he did his factory. They don't +hitch their horses together well at all. He is properly +hen-pecked, said he; he is afeerd to call his soul his +own, and he leads the life of a dog; you never seed the +beat of it, I vow. Did you ever see a rooster hatch a +brood of chickens? No, said I, not that I can recollect. +Well then I have, said he, and if he don't look like a +fool all the time he is a settin on the eggs, its a pity; +no soul could help larfin to see him. Our old nigger, +January Snow, had a spite agin one of father's roosters, +seein that he was a coward, and would'nt fight. He used +to call him Dearborne, arter our General that behaved so +ugly to Canada; and, says he one day, I guess you are no +better than a hen, you everlastin old chicken-hearted +villain, and I'll make you a larfin stock to all the +poultry. I'll put a trick on you you'll bear in mind all +your born days. So he catches old Dearborne, and pulls +all the feathers off his breast, and strips him as naked +as when he was born, from his throat clean down to his +tail, and then takes a bundle of nettles and gives him +a proper switchin that stung him, and made him smart like +mad; then he warms some eggs and puts them in a nest, +and sets the old cock right a top of 'em. Well, the warmth +of the eggs felt good to the poor critter's naked belly, +and kinder kept the itchin of the nettles down, and he +was glad to bide where he was, and whenever he was tired +and got off his skin felt so cold, he'd run right back +and squat down agin, and when his feathers began to grow, +and he got obstropolous, he got another ticklin with the +nettles, that made him return double quick to his location. +In a little time he larnt the trade real complete. + +Now, this John Porter, (and there he is on the bridge I +vow, I never seed the beat o' that, speak of old Saytin +and he's sure to appear;) well, he's jist like old +Dearborne, only fit to hatch eggs. When we came to the +Bridge, Mr. Slick stopped his horse, to shake hands with +Porter, whom he recognized as an old acquaintance and +customer. He enquired after a bark mill he had smuggled +from the States for him, and enlarged on the value of +such a machine, and the cleverness of his countrymen who +invented such useful and profitable articles; and was +recommending a new process of tanning, when a female +voice from the house was heard, vociferating, "John +Porter, come here this minute." Coming, my dear, said +the husband. "Come here, I say, directly, why do you +stand talking to that Yankee villain there." The poor +husband hung his head, looked silly, and bidding us good +bye, returned slowly to the house. As we drove on, Mr. +Slick said, that was me--I did that. Did what? said I. +That was me that sent him back, I called him and not his +wife. I had that are bestowment ever since I was knee +high or so; I'm a real complete hand at Ventriloquism; +I can take off any man's voice I ever heerd to the very +nines. If there was a law agin forgin that as there is +for handwritin, I guess I should have been hanged long +ago. I've had high goes with it many a time, but its +plaguy dangersome, and I don't pracTISE it now but seldom. +I had a real bout with that are citizen's wife once, and +completely broke her in for him; she went as gentle as +a circus horse for a space, but he let her have her head +agin, and she's as bad as ever now. I'll tell you how it +was. I was down to the Island a sellin clocks, and who +should I meet but John Porter; well, I traded with him +for one, part cash, part truck and proDUCE, and also put +off on him that are bark mill you heerd me axin about, +and it was pretty considerable on in the evenin afore we +finished our trade. I came home along with him, and had +the clock in the waggon to fix it up for him, and to shew +him how to regilate it. Well, as we neared his house, +he began to fret and take on dreadful oneasy; says he, +I hope Jane wont be abed, cause if she is she'll act +ugly, I do suppose. I had heerd tell of her afore; bow +she used to carry a stiff upper lip, and make him and +the broomstick well acquainted together; and, says I, +why do you put up with her tantrums, I'd make a fair +division of the house with her, if it was me, I'd take +the inside and allocate her the outside of it pretty +quick that's a fact. Well, when we came to the house, +there was no light in it, and the poor critter looked so +streaked and down in the mouth, I felt proper sorry for +him. When he rapped at the door, she called out, who's +there? Its me, dear, says Porter. You, is it, said she, +then you may stay where you be, them as gave you your +supper, may give you your bed, instead of sendin you +sneakin home at night like a thief. Said I, in a whisper, +says I, leave her to me, John Porter--jist take the +horses up to the barn, and see after them, and I'll manage +her for you, I'll make her as sweet as sugary candy, +never fear. The barn you see is a good piece off to the +eastward of the house; and, as soon as he was cleverly +out of hearin, says I, a imitatin of his voice to the +life, do let me in, Jane, says I, that's a dear critter, +I've brought you home some things you'll like, I know. +Well, she was an awful jealous critter; says she, take +'em to her you spent the evenin with, I don't want you +nor your presents neither. Arter a good deal of coaxin +I stood on tother tack, and began to threaten to break +the door down; says I, you old unhansum lookin sinner, +you vinerger cruet you, open the door this minit or I'll +smash it right in. That grigged her properly, it made +her very wrathy, (for nothin sets up a woman's spunk like +callin her ugly, she gets her back right up like a cat +when a strange dog comes near her; she's all eyes, claws +and bristles.) + +I heerd her bounce right out of bed, and she came to the +door as she was, ondressed, and onbolted it; and, as I +entered it, she fetched me a box right across my cheek +with the flat of her hand, that made it tingle agin. I'll +teach you to call names agin, says she, you varmint. It +was jist what I wanted; I pushed the door tu with my +foot, and seizing her by the arm with one hand, I quilted +her with the horsewhip real handsum, with the other. At +first she roared like mad; I'll give you the ten +commandments, says she, (meaning her ten claws,) I'll +pay you for this, you cowardly villain, to strike a woman. +How dare you lift your hand, John Porter, to your lawful +wife, and so on; all the time runnin round and round, +like a colt that's a breakin, with the mouthin bit, +rarein, kickin, and plungin like statiee. Then she began +to give in. Says she, I beg pardon, on my knees I beg +pardon--don't murder me, for Heaven's sake--don't, dear +John, don't murder your poor wife, that's a dear. I'll +do as you bid me, I promise to behave well, upon my honor +I do--oh! dear John, do forgive me, do dear. When I had +her properly brought too, for havin nothin on but a thin +under garment, every crack of the whip told like a notch +on a baker's tally, says I, take that as a taste of what +you'll catch, when you act that way like old Scratch. +Now go and dress yourself, and get supper for me and a +stranger I have brought home along with me, and be quick, +for I vow I'll be master in my own house. She moaned +like a dog hit with a stone, half whine, half yelp; dear, +dear, says she, if I aint all covered over with welts as +big as my finger, I do believe I'm flayed alive; and she +boohood right out like any thing. I guess, said I, you've +got 'em where folks wont see 'em, any how, and I calculate +you won't be over forrard to show 'em where they be. But +come, says I, be a stirrin, or I'll quilt you agin as +sure as you're alive--I'll tan your hide for you, you +may depend, you old ungainly tempered heifer you. + +When I went to the barn, says I, John Porter, your wife +made right at me, like one ravin distracted mad, when I +opened the door, thinkin it was you; and I was obliged +to give her a crack or two of the cowskin to get clear +of her. It has effectuated a cure completely; now foller +it up, and don't let on for your life, it warn't you that +did it, and you'll be master once more in your own house. +She's all docity jist now, keep her so. As we returned +we saw a light in the keepin room, the fire was blazin +up cheerfulsome, and Marm Porter moved about as brisk as +a parched pea, though as silent as dumb, and our supper +was ready in no time. As soon as she took her seat and +sot down, she sprung right up on eend, as if she had sot +on a pan of hot coals, and colored all over; and then +tears started in her eyes. Thinks I to myself, I calculate +I wrote that are lesson in large letters any how, I can +read that writin without spellin, and no mistake; I guess +you've got pretty well warmed thereabouts this hitch. +Then she tried it agin, first she sot on one leg then on +tother, quite oneasy, and then right atwixt both, a +fidgettin about dreadfully; like a man that's rode all +day on a bad saddle, and lost a little leather on the +way. If you had seed how she stared at Porter, it would +have made you snicker. She could'nt credit her eyes. He +warn't drunk, and he warn't crazy, but there he sot as +peeked and as meechin as you please. She seemed all struck +up of a heap at his rebellion. The next day when I was +about startin, I advised him to act like a man, and keep +the weather gage now he had it, and all would be well, +but the poor critter only held on a day or two, she soon +got the upper hand of him, and made him confess all, and +by all accounts he leads a worse life now than ever. I +put that are trick on him jist now to try him, and I see +it's gone goose with him; the jig is up with him, she'll +soon call him with a whistle like a dog. I often think +of the hornpipe she danced there in the dark along with +me, to the music of my whip--she touched it off in great +style, that's a fact. I shall mind that go one while, +I promise you. It was actilly equal to a play at old +Bowry. You may depend, Squire, the only way to tame a +shrew, is by the cowskin. Grandfather Slick was raised +all along the coast of Kent in Old England, and he used +to say there was an old saying there, which, I expect, +is not far off the mark: + + A woman, a dog, and a walnut tree, + The more you lick 'em, the better they be. + + + + +No. XXVI + +The Minister's Horn Mug. + +This Country, said Mr. Slick, abounds in superior mill +privileges, and one would naterally calculate that such +a sight of water power, would have led to a knowledge of +machinery. I guess if a Blue Nose was to go to one of +our free and enlightened citizens, and tell him Nova +Scotia was intersected with rivers and brooks in all +directions, and nearly one quarter of it covered with +water, he'd say, well I'll start right off and see it, +I vow, for I guess I'll larn somethin. I allot I'll get +another wrinkle away down east there. With such splendid +chances for experimentin, what first-chop mills they must +have, to a sartainty. I'll see such new combinations, +and such new applications of the force of water to motion, +that I'll make my fortin, for we can improve on any thing +amost. Well, he'd find his mistake out I guess, as I did +once, when I took passage in the night at New York for +Providence, and found myself the next mornin clean out +to sea, steerin away for Cape Hatteras, in the Charleston +steamer. He'd find he'd gone to the wrong place, I reckon; +there aint a mill of any kind in the Province fit to be +seen. If we had 'em, we'd sarve 'em as we do the gamblin +houses down south, pull 'em right down, there would'nt +be one on 'em left in eight and forty hours. + +Some domestic factories they ought to have here; its an +essential part of the social system. Now we've run to +the other extreme, its got to be too big an interest with +us, and aint suited to the political institutions of our +great country. Natur designed us for an agricultural +people, and our government was predicated on the supposition +that we would be so. Mr. Hopewell was of the same opinion. +He was a great hand at gardenin, orchadin, farming, and +what not. One evenin I was up to his house, and says he, +Sam, what do you say to a bottle of my old genuine cider? +I guess I got some that will take the shine off of your +father's, by a long chalk, much as the old gentleman +brags of his'n--I never bring it out afore him. He thinks +he has the best in all Connecticut. Its an innocent +ambition that; and Sam, it would be but a poor thing for +me to gratify my pride, at the expense of humblin his'n. +So I never lets on that I have any better, but keep dark +about this superfine particular article of mine, for I'd +as lives he'd think so as not. He was a real primiTIVE +good man was minister. I got some, said he, that was +bottled that very year, that glorious action was fought +atween the Constitution and the Guerriere. Perhaps the +whole world could'nt shew such a brilliant whippin as +that was. It was a splendid deed, that's a fact. The +British can whip the whole airth, and we can whip the +British. It was a bright promise for our young eagle; a +noble bird that, too; great strenth, great courage, and +surpassing sagacity. + +Well, he went down to the cellar, and brought up a bottle, +with a stick tied to its neck, and day and date to it, +like lye-bills on the trees in Squire Hendrick's garden. +I like to see them are cobwebs, says he, as he brushed +'em off, they are like grey hairs in an old man's head, +they indicate venerable old age. As he uncorked it, says +he, I guess Sam, this will warm your gizzard, my boy; I +guess our great nation may be stumped to produce more +eleganter liquor than this here. Its the dandy, that's +a fact. That, said he, a smackin his lips, and lookin at +its sparklin top, and layin back his head, and tippin +off a horn mug brim full of it--that, said he, and his +eyes twinkled agin, for it was plaguy strong, that is +the produce of my own orchard. Well, I said, minister, +says I, I never see you a swiggin it out of that are horn +mug, that I don't think of one of your texts. What's +that, Sam, says he? for you always had a most a special +memory when you was a boy; why says I, "that the horn of +the righteous man shall be exalted," I guess that's what +they mean by "exalten the horn," aint it? Lord if ever +you was to New OrLEENS, and seed a black thunder cloud +rise right up and cover the whole sky in a it, you'd a +thought of it if you had seed his face. It looked as dark +as Egypt. For shame, says he, Sam, that's ondecent; and +let me tell you that a man that jokes on such subjects, +shews both a lack of wit and sense too. I like mirth, +you know I do, for its only the Pharisees and hypocrites +that wear long faces, but then mirth must be innocent to +please me; and when I see a man make merry with serious +things, I set him down as a lost sheep. That comes of +your speculatin to Lowell; and, I vow, them factorin +towns will corrupt our youth of both sexes, and become +hotbeds of iniquity. Evil communications endamnify good +manners, as sure as rates; one scabby sheep will infect +a whole flock--vice is as catchin as that nasty disease +the Scotch have, it's got by shakin hands, and both eend +in the same way--in brimstone. I approbate domestic +factories, but nothin further for us. It don't suit us +or our institutions. A republic is only calculated for +an enlightened and vartuous people, and folks chiefly in +the farmin line. That is an innocent and a happy vocation. +Agriculture was ordained by Him as made us, for our chief +occupation. + +Thinks I, here's a pretty how do you do; I'm in for it +now, that's a fact; he'll jist fall to and read a regular +sarmon, and he knows so many by heart hell never stop. +It would take a Philadelphia lawyer to answer him. So, +says I, minister, I ax your pardon, I feel very ugly at +havin given you offence, but I did'nt mean it, I do assure +you. It jist popt out unexpectedly, like a cork out of +one of them are cider bottles, I'll do my possibles that +the like don't happen agin, you may depend; so 'spose we +drink a glass to our reconciliation. That I will, said +he and we will have another bottle too, but I must put +a little water into MY GLASS, (and he dwelt on that word, +and looked at me, quite feelin, as much as to say, don't +for goodness sake make use of that are word HORN agin, +for it's a joke I don't like,) for my head hante quite +the strength my cider has. Taste this, Sam, said he, +(openin of another bottle,) it's of the same age as the +last, but made of different apples, and I am fairly +stumped sometimes to say which is best. + +These are the pleasures, says he, of a country life. A +man's own labor provides him with food, and an appetite +to enjoy it. Let him look which way he will, and he sees +the goodness and bounty of his Creator, his wisdom, his +power, and his majesty. There never was any thing so +true, as that are old sayin, "man made the town, but God +made the country," and both bespeak their different +architects in terms too plain to be misunderstood. The +one is filled with virtue and the other with vice. One +is the abode of plenty, and the other of want; one is a +ware-duck of nice pure water--and tother one a cess-pool. +Our towns are gettin so commercial and factoring, that +they will soon generate mobs, Sam, (how true that are +has turned out, haint it? he could see near about as far +into a mill-stone, as them that picks the hole into it,) +and mobs will introduce disobedience and defiance to +laws, and that must eend in anarchy and bloodshed. No, +said the old man, raising his voice, and giving the table +a wipe with his fist that made the glasses all jingle +agin, give me the country; that country to which he that +made it said, "Bring forth grass, the herb yield in seed, +and the tree yieldin fruit," AND WHO SAW THAT IT WAS +GOOD. Let me jine with the feathered tribe in the mornin, +(I hope you get up airly now, Sam; when you was a boy +there was no gitten you out of bed at no rate,) and at +sunset, in the hymns which they utter in full tide of +song to their Creator. Let me pour out the thankfulness +of my heart to the Giver of all good things, for the +numerous blessings I enjoy, and intreat him to bless my +increase, that I may have wherewithal to relieve the +wants of others, as he prevents and relieves mine. No! +give me the country. Its --- Minister was jist like a +horse that has the spavin: he sot off considerable stiff +at first, but when he once got under way, he got on like +a house a fire. He went like the wind, full split. + +He was jist beginnin to warm on the subject, and I knew +if he did, what wonderful bottom he had; how he would +hang on for ever amost; so, says I, I think so too, +minister, I like the country, I always sleep better there +than in towns; it tante so plaguy hot, nor so noisy +neither, and then its a pleasant thing to set out on the +stoop and smoke in the cool, aint it? I think, says I, +too, Minister, that that are uncommon handsum cider of +yourn desarves a pipe, what do you think? Well, says he, +I think myself a pipe would'nt be amiss, and I got some +real good Varginey, as you een amost ever seed, a present +from Rowland Randolph, an old college chum; and none the +worse to my palate, Sam, for bringin bye gone recollections +with it. Phoebe, my dear, said he to his darter, bring +the pipes and tobacco. As soon as the old gentleman +fairly got a pipe in his mouth, I give Phoebe a wink, as +much as to say, warnt that well done. That's what I call +a most particular handsum fix. He can TALK now, (and that +_I_ DO LIKE to hear him do,) but he can't make a speech, +or preach a sarmon, and that _I_ DON'T LIKE to hear him +do, except on Sabbath day, or up to Town Hall, on oration +times. + +Minister was an uncommon pleasant man, (for there was +nothin amost he didn't know,) except when he got his +dander up, and then he did spin out his yarns for +everlastinly. + +But I'm of his opinion. If the folks here want their +country to go ahead, they must honor the plough, and +General Campbell ought to hammer that are into their +noddles, full chisell, as hard as he can drive. I could +larn him somethin, I guess, about hammerin he aint up +to. It tante every one that knows how to beat a thing +into a man's head. How could I have sold so many thousand +clocks, if I hadn't had that nack. Why, I wouldn't have +sold half a dozen, you may depend. + +Agriculture is not only neglected but degraded here. +What a number of young folks there seem to be in these +parts, a ridin about, titivated out real jam, in their +go-to-meetin clothes, a doin nothin. It's melancholy to +think on it. That's the effect of the last war. The +idleness and extravagance of those times took root, and +bore fruit abundantly, and now the young people are above +their business. They are too high in the instep, that's +a fact Old Drivvle, down here to Maccan, said to me one +day, for gracious sake, says he Mr. Slick, do tell me +what I shall do with Johnny. His mother sets great store +by him, and thinks he's the makins of a considerable +smart man--he's growin up fast now, and I am pretty well +to do in the world, and reasonable forehanded, but I +don't know what the dogs to put him to. The Lawyers are +like spiders, they've eat up all the flies, and I guess +they'll have to eat each other soon, for there's more on +'em than causes now every court. The Doctors' trade is +a poor one, too, they don't get barely cash enough to +pay for their medicines; I never seed a country practitioner +yet that made any thing worth speakin of. Then, as for +preachin, why church and dissenters are pretty much tarred +with the same stick, they live in the same pastur with +their flocks; and, between 'em, its fed down pretty close +I tell you. What would you advise me to do with him? +Well, says I, I'll tell you if you won't be miffy with +me. Miffy with you indeed, said he, I guess I'll be very +much obliged to you; it tante every day one gets a chance +to consult with a person of your experience--I count it +quite a privilege to have the opinion of such an +understandin man as you be. Well, says I, take a stick +and give him a real good quiltin, jist tantune him like +blazes, and set him to work.--What does the critter +want? you have a good farm for him, let him go and airn +his bread; and when he can raise that, let him get a wife +to make butter for it; and when he has more of both than +he wants, let him sell em and lay up his money, and he +will soon have his bread buttered on both sides--put him +to, eh! why put him to the PLOUGH, the most nateral, the +most happy, the most innocent, and the host healthy +employment in the world. But, said the old-man (and he +did not look over half pleased) markets are so confounded +dull, labor so high, and the banks and great folks a +swallerin all up so, there don't seem much encouragement +for farmers, its hard rubbin, now-a-days, to live by the +plough--he'll be a hard workin poor man all his days. +Oh! says I, if he wants to get rich by farmin, be can +do that, too. Let him sell his wheat, and eat his oatmeal +and rye; send his beef, mutton and poultry to market, +and eat his pork and potatoes; make his own cloth, weave +his own linen, and keep out of shops, and he'll soon grow +rich--there are more fortins got by savin than by makin, +I guess, a plaguy sight--he cant eat his cake and have +it too, that's a fact. No, make a farmer of him, and you +will have the satisfaction of seeing him an honest, an +independent, and a respectable member of society--more +honest than traders, more independent than professional +men, and more respectable than either. + +Ahem! says Marm Drivvle, and she began to clear her throat +for action; she slumped down her nittin, and clawed off +her spectacles, and looked right straight at me, so as +to take good aim. I seed a regular norwester a bruin, I +knew it would bust somewhere sartan, and make all smoke +agin, so I cleared out and left old Drivvle to stand the +squall. I conceit he must have had a tempestical time of +it, for she had get her Ebenezer up, and looked like a +proper sneezer. Make her Johnny a farmer, eh! I guess +that was too much for the like o' her to stomach. + +PRIDE, SQUIRE, continued the Clockmaker, (with such an +air of concern, that, I verily believe, the man feels an +interest in the welfare of a Province, in which he has +spent so long a time,) Pride, Squire, and a false pride, +too, is the ruin of this country, I hope I may be skinned +if it tante. + + + + +No. XXVII + +The White Nigger. + +One of the most amiable, and at the same time most amusing +traits, in the Clockmaker's character, was the attachment +and kindness with which he regarded his horse. He considered +"Old Clay" as far above a Provincial Horse, as he did +one of his "free and enlightened citizens" superior to +a Blue Nose. He treated him as a travelling companion, +and when conversation flagged between us, would often +soliloquize to him, a habit contracted from pursuing his +journeys alone. Well now, he would say, "Old Clay," I +guess you took your time a goin up that are hill, 'spose +we progress now. Go along you old sculpin, and turn out +your toes. I reckon you are as deff as a shad, do you +hear there, "go ahead Old Clay." There now, he'd say, +Squire aint that dreadful pretty? There's action. That +looks about right--legs all under him--gathers all up +snug--no bobbin of his head--no rollin of his shoulders +--no wabblin of his hind parts, but steady as a pump +bolt, and the motion all underneath. When he fairly lays +himself to it, he trots like all vengeance. Then look at +his ears, jist like rabbits, none o' your flop ears like +them Amherst beasts, half horses, half pigs, but strait +up and pineted, and not too near at the tips; for that +are, I concait, always shews a horse aint true to draw. +There are only two things, Squire, worth lookin at in a +horse, action and soundness, for I never saw a critter +that had good action that was a bad beast. Old Clay puts +me in mind of one of our free and enlightened ---. Excuse +me, said I, Mr. Slick, but really you appropriate that +word "free" to your countrymen, as if you thought no +other people in the world were entitled to it but +yourselves. Neither be they, said he. We first sot the +example. Look at our declaration of independence. It was +writ by Jefferson, and he was the first man of the age, +perhaps the world never seed his ditto. It's a beautiful +piece of penmanship that, he gave the British the butt +eend of his mind there. I calculate you couldn't falt it +in no particular, it's generally allowed to be his cap +shief. In the first page of it, second section, and +first varse, are these words, "We hold this truth to be +self-evident, that all men are created equal." I guess +King George turned his quid when he read that. It was +somethin to chaw on, he hadn't been used to the flavor +of, I reckon. Jefferson forgot to insert--one little +word, said I, he should have said, "all white men;" for, +as it now stands, it is a practical untruth, in a country +which tolerates domestic slavery in its worst and most +forbidding form. It is a declaration of SHAME, and not +of INDEPENDENCE. It is as perfect a misnomer as ever I +knew. Well, said he, I must admit there is a screw loose +somewhere thereabouts, and I wish it would convene to +Congress, to do somethin or another about our niggers, +but I am not quite certified how that is to be sot to +rights--I concait that you don't understand us. But, said +he, (evading the subject with his usual dexterity,) we +deal only in niggers,--and those thick skulled, crooked +shanked, flat footed, long heeled, wooly headed gentlemen, +don't seem fit for much else but slavery, I do suppose. +They aint fit to contrive for themselves. They are jist +like grasshoppers; they dance and sing all summer, and +when winter comes they have nothin provided for it, and +lay down and die. They require some one to see arter +them. Now, we deal in black niggers only, but the Blue +Noses sell their own species--they trade in white slaves. +Thank God, said I, slavery does not exist in any part of +his Majesty's dominions now, we have at last wiped off +that national stain. Not quite, I guess, said he, with +an air of triumph, it tante done with in Nova Scotia, +for I have seed these human cattle sales with my own +eyes--I was availed of the truth of it up here to old +Furlong's, last November. I'll tell you the story, said +he; and as this story of the Clockmaker's contained some +extraordinary statements, which I had never heard of +before, I noted it in my journal, for the purpose of +ascertaining their truth; and, if founded on fact, of +laying them before the proper authorities. + +Last fall, said he, I was on my way to Partridge Island, +to ship off some truck and produce I had taken in, in +the way of trade; and as I neared old Furlong's house, +I seed an amazin crowd of folks about the door; I said +to myself, says I, whose dead, and what's to pay now +--what on airth is the meanin of all this? Is it a vandew, +or a weddin, or a rolin frolick, or a religious stir, or +what is it? Thinks I, I'll see, so I hitches Old Clay to +the fence, and walks in. It was some time afore I was +able to swiggle my way thro' the crowd, and get into the +house. And when I did, who should I see but deacon +Westfall, a smooth faced, slick haired, meechin lookin +chap as you'd see in a hundred, a standin on a stool, +with an auctioneer's hammer in his hand; and afore him +was one Jerry Oaks and his wife, and two little orphan +children, the prettiest little toads I ever beheld in +all my born days. Gentlemen, said he, I will begin the +sale by putting up Jerry Oaks, of Apple River, he's a +considerable of a smart man yet, and can do many little +chores besides feedin the children and pigs, I guess he's +near about worth his keep. Will you warrant him sound, +wind and limb? says a tall ragged lookin countryman, for +he looks to me as if he was foundered in both feet, and +had a string halt into the bargain. When you are as old +as I be, says Jerry, mayhap you may be foundered too, +young man. I have seen the day when you wouldn't dare +to pass that joke on me, big as you be. Will any gentleman +bid for him, says the deacon, he's cheap at 7s. 6d. Why +deacon, said Jerry, why surely your honor isn't a goin +for to sell me separate from my poor old wife, are you? +Fifty years have we lived together as man and wife, and +a good wife has she been to me, through all my troubles +and trials, and God knows I have had enough of 'em. No +one knows my ways and my ailments but her, and who can +tend me so kind, or who will bear with the complaints of +a poor old man but his wife. Do, deacon, and Heaven bless +you for it, and yours, do sell us together. We have but +a few days to live now, death will divide us soon enough. +Leave her to close my old eyes, when the struggle comes, +and when it comes to you, deacon, as come it must to us +all, may this good deed rise up for you, as a memorial +before God. I wish it had pleased him to have taken us +afore it came to this, but his will be done; and he hung +his head, as if he felt he had drained the cup of +degradation to its dregs. Can't afford it, Jerry--can't +afford it, old man, said the deacon, (with such a smile +as a November sun gives, a passin atween clouds.) Last +year they took oats for rates, now nothin but wheat will +go down, and that's as good as cash, and you'll hang on +as most of you do yet these many years. There's old Joe +Crowe, I believe in my conscience he will live for ever. +The biddin then went on, and he was sold for six shillings +a week. Well, the poor critter gave one long loud deep +groan, and then folded his arms over his breast, so tight +that he seemed tryin to keep in his heart from bustin. +I pitied the misfortinate wretch from my soul, I don't +know as I ever felt so streaked afore. Not so his wife, +she was all tongue. She begged and prayed, and cryed, +and scolded, and talked at the very tip eend of her voice, +till she became, poor critter, exhausted, and went off +in a faintin fit, and they ketched her up and carried +her out to the air, and she was sold in that condition. +Well I couldn't make head or tail of all this, I could +hardly believe my eyes and ears; so, says I, to John +Porter, (him that has that catamount of a wife, that I +had such a touss with,) John Porter, says I, who ever +seed or heerd tell of the like of this, what under the +sun does it all mean? What has that are critter done that +he should be sold arter that fashion? Done, said he, why +nothin, and that's the reason they sell him. This is +town meetin day, and we always sell the poor for the +year, to the lowest bidder. Them that will keep them for +the lowest sum, gets them. Why, says I, that feller that +bought him is a pauper himself, to my sartan knowledge. +If you were to take him up by the heels and shake him +for a week, you couldn't shake sixpence out of him. How +can he keep him? It appears to me the poor buy the poor +here, and that they all starve together. Says I, there +was a very good man once lived to Liverpool, so good, he +said he hadn't sinned for seven years; well he put a mill +dam across the river, and stopt all the fish from goin +up, and the court fined him fifty pounds for it, and this +good man was so wrathy, he thought he should feel better +to swear a little, but conscience told him it was wicked. +So he compounded with conscience, and cheated the devil, +by callin it a "dam fine business." Now, friend Porter, +if this is your poor law, it is a damn poor law, I tell +you, and no good can come of such hard-hearted doins. +It's no wonder your country don't prosper, for who ever +heerd of a blessin on such carryins on as this? Says I, +did you ever hear tell of a sartan rich man, that had a +beggar called Lazarus laid at his gate, and how the dogs +had more compassion than he had, and came and licked his +sores? cause if you have, look at that forehanded and +sponsible man there, deacon Westfall, and you see the +rich man. And then look at that are pauper, dragged away +in that ox-cart from his wife for ever, like a feller to +States' Prison, and you see Lazarus. Recollect what +follered, John Porter, and have neither art nor part in +it, as you are a Christian man. It fairly made me sick +all day. John Porter follered me out of the house, and +as I was a turnin old Clay, said he, Mr. Slick, says he, +I never seed it in that are light afore, for its our +custom, and custom you know will reconcile one to most +any thing. I must say, it does appear, as you lay it out, +an unfeelin way of providin for the poor; but, as touchin +the matter of dividen man and wife, why, (and he peered +all round to see that no one was within hearin,) why I +dont know, but if it was my allotment to be sold, I'd as +lives they'd sell me separate from Jane as not, for it +appears to me its about the best part of it. + +Now, what I have told you Squire, said the Clockmaker, +is the truth; and if members, instead of their everlastin +politicks, would only look into these matters a little, +I guess it would be far better for the Country. So, as +for our declaration of independence, I guess you need'nt +twitt me with our slave-sales, for we deal only in blacks; +but Blue Nose approbates no distinction in colours, and +when reduced to poverty, is reduced to slavery, and is +sold--a White Nigger. + + + + +No. XXVIII + +Fire in the Dairy. + +As we approached within fifteen or twenty miles of +Parrsboro, a sudden turn of the road brought us directly +in front of a large wooden house, consisting of two +stories and an immense roof, the heighth of which edifice +was much increased by a stone foundation, rising several +feet above ground. Now, did you ever see, said Mr. Slick, +such a catamaran as that; there's a proper goney for you, +for to go and raise such a buildin as that are, and he +as much use for it, I do suppose, as my old waggon here +has for a fifth wheel. Blue Nose always takes keer to +have a big house, cause it shows a big man, and one that's +considerable forehanded, and pretty well to do in the +world. These Nova Scotians turn up their Blue Noses, as +a bottle nose porpoise turns up his snout, and puff and +snort exactly like him at a small house. If neighbor +Carrit has a two story house, all filled with winders, +like Sandy Hook light house, neighbor Parsnip must add +jist two feet more on to the post of hisn, and about as +much more to the rafter, to go ahead of him; so all these +long sarce gentlemen strive who can get the furdest in +the sky, away from their farms. In New England our maxim +is a small house, and a most an everlastin almighty big +barn; but these critters revarse it, they have little +hovels for their cattle, about the bigness of a good +sizeable bear trap, and a house for the humans as grand +as Noah's Ark. Well, jist look at it and see what a figur +it does cut. An old hat stuffed into one pane of glass, +and an old flannel petticoat, as yaller as jaundice, in +another, finish off the front; an old pair of breeches, +and the pad of a bran new cart saddle worn out, titivate +the eend, while the backside is all closed up on account +of the wind. When it rains, if there aint a pretty +how-do-you-do, it's a pity--beds toated out of this room, +and tubs set in tother to catch soft water to wash; while +the clapboards, loose at the eends, go clap, clap, clap, +like galls a hacklin flax, and the winders and doors keen +a dancin to the music. The only dry place in the house +is in the chimbley corner, where the folks all huddle +up, as an old hen and her chickens do under a cart of a +wet day. I wish I had the matter of half a dozen pound +of nails, (you'll hear the old gentleman in the grand +house say,) I'll be darned, if I don't, for if I had, +I'd fix them are clapboards, I guess they'll go for it +some o' these days. I wish you had, his wife would say, +for they do make a most particular unhansum clatter, +that's a fact; and so they let it be till the next +tempestical time comes, and then they wish agin. Now this +grand house has only two rooms down stairs, that are +altogether slicked up and finished off complete, the +other is jist petitioned off rough like, one half great +dark entries, and tother half places that look a plaguy +sight more like packin boxes than rooms. Well, all up +stairs is a great onfarnished place, filled with every +sort of good for nothin trumpery in natur--barrels without +eends--corn cobs half husked--cast off clothes and bits +of old harness, sheep skins, hides, and wool, apples, +one half rotten, and tother half squashed--a thousand or +two of shingles that have bust their withs, and broke +loose all over the floor, hay rakes, forks and sickles, +without handles or teeth; rusty scythes, and odds and +eends without number. When any thing is wanted, then +there is a general overhaul of the whole cargo, and away +they get shifted forrard, one by one, all handled over +and chucked into a heap together till the lost one is +found; and the next time, away they get pitched to the +starn agin, higglety pigglety, heels over head, like +sheep taken a split for it over a wall; only they increase +in number each move, cause some on 'em are sure to get +broke into more pieces than they was afore. Whenever I +see one of these grand houses, and a hat lookin out o' +the winder, with nary head in it, thinks I, I'll be darned +if that's a place for a wooden clock, nothin short of a +London touch would go down with them folks, so I calculate +I wont alight. + +Whenever you come to such a grand place as this, Squire, +depend on't the farm is all of a piece, great crops of +thistles, and an everlastin yield of weeds, and cattle +the best fed of any in the country, for they are always +in the grain fields or mowin lands, and the pigs a rootin +in the potatoe patches. A spic and span new gig at the +door, shinin like the mud banks of Windsor, when the +sun's on 'em, and an old wrack of a hay waggon, with its +tongue onhitched, and stickin out behind, like a pig's +tail, all indicate a big man. He's above thinkin of farmin +tools, he sees to the bran new gig, and the hired helps +look arter the carts. Catch him with his go to meetin +clothes on, a rubbin agin their nasty greasy axles, like +a tarry nigger; not he, indeed, he'd stick you up with it. + +The last time I came by here, it was a little bit arter +day light down, rainin cats and dogs, and as dark as +Egypt; so, thinks I, I'll jist turn in here for shelter +to Squire Bill Blake's. Well, I knocks away at the front +door, till I thought I'd a split it in: but arter a rappin +awhile to no purpose, and findin no one come, I gropes +my way round to the back door, and opens it, and feelin +all along the partition for the latch, of the keepin +room, without finding it, I knocks agin, when some one +from inside calls out 'walk.' Thinks I, I don't cleverly +know whether that indicates 'walk in,' or 'walk out,' +its plaguy short metre, that's a fact; but I'll see any +how. Well, arter gropin about awhile, at last I got hold +of the string and lifted the latch and walked in, and +there sot old marm Blake, close into one corner of the +chimbley fire place, a see-sawin in a rockin chair, and +a half grown black house help, half asleep in tother +corner, a scroudgin up over the embers. Who be you, said +Marm Blake, for I can't see you. A stranger, said I. +Beck, says she, speakin to the black heifer in the corner, +Beck, says she agin, raisin her voice, I believe you are +as deff as a post, get up this minit and stir the coals, +till I see the man. Arter the coals were stirred into a +blaze, the old lady surveyed me from head to foot, then +she axed me my name, and where I came from, where I was +agoin, and what my business was. I guess, said she, you +must be reasonable, wet, sit to the fire and dry yourself, +or mayhap your health may be endamnified p'raps. + +So I sot down, and we soon got pretty considerably well +acquainted, and quite sociable like, and her tongue when +it fairly waked up, began to run like a mill race when +the gate's up. I hadn't been talkin long, 'fore I well +nigh lost sight of her altogether agin, for little Beck, +began to flourish about her broom, right and left, in +great style, a clearin up, and she did raise such an +auful thick cloud o' dust, I didn't know if I should ever +see or breathe either agin. Well when all was sot to +rights and the fire made up, the old lady began to +apologize for havin no candles; she said she'd had a +grand tea party the night afore, and used them all up, +and a whole sight of vittals too, the old man hadn't been +well since, and had gone to bed airly. But, says she, I +do wish with all my heart you had a come last night, for +we had a most a special supper--punkin pies and dough-nuts, +and apple sarce, and a roast goose stuffed with indian +puddin, and a pig's harslet stewed in molasses and onions, +and I don't know what all, and the fore part of to-day +folks called to finish. I actilly have nothin left to +set afore you; for it was none o' your skim-milk parties, +but superfine uppercrust real jam, and we made clean work +of it. But I'll make some tea, any how, for you, and +perhaps, arter that, said she, alterin of her tone, +perhaps you'll expound the Scriptures, for its one while +since I've heerd them laid open powerfully. I hant been +fairly lifted up since that good man Judas Oglethorp +travelled this road, and then she gave a groan and hung +down her head, and looked corner-ways, to see how the +land lay thereabouts. The tea kettle was accordingly put +on, and some lard fried into oil, and poured into a +tumbler; which, with the aid of an inch of cotton wick, +served as a make shift for a candle. Well, arter tea we +sot and chatted awhile about fashions, and markets, and +sarmons, and scandal, and all sorts o' things; and, in +the midst of it, in runs the nigger wench, screemin out +at the tip eend of her voice, oh Missus! Missus! there's +fire in the Dairy, fire in the Dairy! I'll give it to +you for that, said the old lady, I'll give it you for +that, you good for nothin hussy, that's all your +carelessness, go and put it out this minit, how on airth +did it get there? my night's milk gone, I dare say; run +this minit and put it out and save the milk. I am dreadful +afeard of fire, I always was from a boy, and seein the +poor foolish critter seize a broom in her fright, I ups +with the tea kettle and follows her; and away we clipt +thro' the entry, she callin out mind the cellar door on +the right, take kear of the close horse on the left, and +so on, but as I could'nt see nothin, I kept right straight +ahead. At last my foot kotched in somethin or another, +that pitched me somewhat less than a rod or so, right +agin the poor black critter, and away we went, heels over +head. I heerd a splash and a groan, and I smelt somethin +plaguy sour, but I could'nt see nothin; at last I got +hold of her and lifted her up, for she didn't scream, +but made a strange kind of choakin noise, and by this +time up came Marm Blake with a light. If poor Beck didn't +let go then in airnest, and sing out, for dear life, its +a pity, for she had gone head first into the swill tub, +and the tea kettle had scalded her feet. She kept a dancin +right up and down, like one ravin distracted mad, and +boohooed like any thing, clawin away at her head the +whole time, to clear away the stuff that stuck to her +wool. + +I held in as long as I could, till I thought I should +have busted, for no soul could help a larfin, and at last +I haw hawed right out. You good for nothin stupid slut +you, said the old lady, to poor Beck, it serves you right, +you had no business to leave it there--I'll pay you. But, +said I, interferin for the unfortunate critter, Good +gracious Marm! you forget the fire. No I don't, said she, +I see him, and seesin the broom, that had fallen from +the nigger's hand, she exclaimed, I see him, the nasty +varmint, and began to belabor most onmarcifully a poor +half starved cur that the noise had attracted to the +entry. I'll teach you, said she, to drink milk; I'll larn +you to steal into the dairy; and the besot critter joined +chorus with Beck, and they both yelled together, till +they fairly made the house ring agin. Presently old Squire +Blake popt his head out of a door, and rubbin his eyes, +half asleep and half awake, said, What the devil's to +pay now, wife? Why nothin, says she, only "FIRE'S IN THE +DAIRY," and Beck's in the swill tub, that's all. Well, +don't make such a touss, then, said he, if that's all, +and he shot tu the door and went to bed agin. When we +returned to the keepin room, the old lady told me that +they always had had a dog called "FIRE," ever since her +grandfather, Major Donald Fraser's time, and what was +very odd, says she, every one on 'em would drink milk if +he had a chance. By this time the shower was over, and +the moon shinin so bright and clear that I thought I'd +better be up and stirrin, and arter slippin a few cents +into the poor nigger wench's hand, I took leave of the +grand folks in the big house. Now, Squire, among these +middlin sized farmers you may lay this down as a rule +--THE BIGGER THE HOUSE, THE BIGGER THE FOOLS BE THAT'S +IN IT. + +But, howsomever, I never call to mind that are go in the +big house, up to the right, that I don't snicker when I +think of "FIRE IN THE DAIRY." + + + + +No. XXIX + +A Body without a Head. + + +I allot you had ought to visit our great country Squire, +said the Clockmaker, afore you quit for good and all. I +calculate you don't understand us. The most splendid +location atween the Poles is the United States, and the +first man alive is Gineral Jackson, the hero of the age, +him that skeered the British out of their seven senses. +Then there's the great Danel Webster, its generally +allowed, he's the greatest orator on the face of the +airth, by a long chalk, and Mr. Van Buren, and Mr. Clay, +and Amos Kindle, and Judge White, and a whole raft of +statesmen, up to every thing, and all manner of politics; +there aint the beat of 'em to be found any where. If you +was to hear 'em, I concait you'd hear genuine pure English +for once, any how; for its generally allowed we speak +English better than the British. They all know me to be +an American citizen here, by my talk, for we speak it +complete in New England. + +Yes, if you want to see a free people--them that makes +their own laws, accordin to their own notions--go to +the States. Indeed, if you can falt them at all, they +are a little grain too free. Our folks have their head +a trifle too much, sometimes, particularly in Elections, +both in freedom of speech and freedom of Press. One hadnt +ought to blart right out always all that comes uppermost. +A horse that's too free frets himself and his rider too, +and both on em lose flesh in the long run. I'd een a most +as lives use the whip sometimes, as to be for everlastenly +a pullin at the rein. One's arm gets plaguy tired, that's +a fact. I often think of a lesson I larnt Jehiel Quirk +once, for letten his tongue outrun his good manners. I +was down to Rhode Island one summer to larn gilden and +bronzin, so as to give the finishin touch to my clocks. +Well, the folks elected me a hog reave, jist to poke fun +at me, and Mr. Jehiel, a bean pole of a lawyer, was at +the bottom of it. So one day, up to Town Hall, where +there was an oration to be delivered on our Independence, +jist afore the orator commenced, in runs Jehiel in a most +allfired hurry; and, says he, I wonder, says he, if +there's are a hog reave here, because if there be I +require a turn of his office. And then, said he, a lookin +up to me and callin out at the tip eend of his voice, +Mr. Hogreave Slick, says he, here's a job out here for +you. Folks snickered a good deal, and I felt my spunk a +risen like half flood, that's a fact; but I bit in my +breath, and spoke quite cool. Possible, says I; well +duty, I do suppose, must be done, though it tante the +most agreeable in the world. I've been a thinkin, says +I, that I would be liable to a fine of fifty cents for +sufferin a hog to run at large, and as you are the biggest +one, I presume, in all Rhode Island, I'll jist begin by +ringin your nose, to prevent you for the futur from pokin +your snout where you hadnt ought to, and I seized him by +the nose and nearly wrung it off. Well, you never heerd +sich a shoutin and clappin of hands, and cheerin, in your +life--they haw hawed like thunder. Says I Jehiel Quirk +that was a superb joke of yourn, how you made the folks +larf didn't you? You are een amost the wittiest critter +I ever seed. I guess you'll mind your parts o' speech, +and study the ACCIDENCE agin afore you let your clapper +run arter that fashion, won't you? + +I thought, said I, that among you republicans, there were +no gradations of rank or office, and that all were equal, +the Hogreave and the Governor, the Judge and the Crier, +the master and his servant, and although, from the natur +of things, more power might be entrusted to one than the +other, yet that the rank of all was precisely the same. +Well, said he, it is so in theory, but not always in +practice, and when we do pracTISE it, it seems to go a +little agin the grain, as if it warnt quite right neither. +When I was last to Baltimore there was a Court there, +and Chief Justice Marshall was detailed there for duty. +Well, with us in New England, the Sheriff attends the +Judge to Court and, says I to the Sheriff, why don't you +escort that are venerable old Judge to the State House, +he's a credit to our nation that man, he's actilly the +first pot hook on the crane, the whole weight is on him, +if it warnt for him the fat would be in the fire in no +time, I wonder you don't show him that respect--it wouldn't +hurt you one morsel, I guess. Says he, quite miffy like, +don't he know the way to Court as well as I do? if I +thought he didn't, I'd send one of my niggers to show +him the road. I wonder who was his lackey last year, that +he wants me to be hisn this time. It don't convene to +one of our free and enlightened citizens, to tag arter +any man, that's a fact; its too English and too foreign +for our glorious institutions. He's bound by law to be +there at 10 o'clock, and so be I, and we both know the +way there I reckon. + +I told the story to our minister, Mr. Hopewell (and he +has some odd notions about him that man, though he don't +always let out what he thinks); says he, Sam, that was +in bad taste, (a great phrase of the old gentleman's +that) in bad taste, Sam. That are Sheriff was a goney; +don't cut your cloth arter his pattern, or your garment +won't become you, I tell you. We are too enlightened, to +worship our fellow citizens as the ancients did, but we +ought to pay great respect to vartue and exalted talents +in this life; and, arter their death, there should be +statues of eminent men placed in our national temples, +for the veneration of arter ages, and public ceremonies +performed annually to their honor. Arter all, Sam, said +he, (and he made a considerable of a long pause, as if +he was dubersome whether he ought to speak out or not) +arter all, Sam, said he, atween ourselves, (but you must +not let on I said so, for the fullness of time han't yet +come) half a yard of blue ribbon is a plaguy cheap way +of rewarden merit, as the English do; and, although we +larf at em, (for folks always will larf at what they hant +got, and never can get,) yet titles aint bad things as +objects of ambition, are they? Then, tappen me on the +shoulder, and lookin up and smilin, as he always did when +he was pleased with an idee, Sir Samuel Slick would not +sound bad, I guess, would it Sam? + +When I look at the English House of Lords, said he, and +see so much larning, piety, talent, honor, vartue, and +refinement, collected together, I ax myself this, here +question, can a system which produces and sustains such +a body of men, as the world never saw before and never +will see agin, be defective? Well, I answer myself, +perhaps it is, for all human institutions are so, but I +guess its een about the best arter all. It wouldn't do +here now, Sam, nor perhaps for a century to come, but it +will come sooner or later with some variations. Now the +Newtown pippin, when transplanted to England, don't +produce such fruit as it does in Long Island, and English +fruits don't preserve their flavor here, neither; allowance +must be made for difference of soil and climate--(Oh +Lord! thinks I, if he turns in to his orchard, I'm done +for; I'll have to give him the dodge some how or another, +through some hole in the fence, that's a fact--but he +passed on that time.) So it is, said he, with constitutions; +ourn will gradually approximate to theirn, and theirn to +ourn. As they lose their strength of executive, they will +varge to republicanism, and as we invigorate the form of +government, (as we must do, or go to the old boy) we +shall tend towards a monarchy. If this comes on gradually, +like the changes in the human body, by the slow approach +of old age, so much the better; but I fear we shall have +fevers, and convulsion-fits, and cholics, and an everlastin +gripin of the intestines first; you and I wont live to +see it Sam, but our posteriors will, you may depend. + +I don't go the whole figur with minister, said the +Clockmaker, but I do opinionate with him in part. In our +business relations we bely our political principles--we +say every man is equal in the Union, and should have an +equal vote and voice in the Government; but in our Banks, +Rail Road Companies, Factory Corporations, and so on, +every man's vote is regilated by his share and proportion +of stock; and if it warnt so, no man would take hold on +these things at all. + +Natur ordained it so--a father of a family is head, and +rules supreme in his household; his eldest son and darter +are like first leftenants under him, and then there is +an overseer over the niggers; it would not do for all to +be equal there. So it is in the univarse, it is ruled by +one Superior Power; if all the Angels had a voice in the +Government I guess--Here I fell fast asleep; I had been +nodding for some time, not in approbation of what he +said, but in heaviness of slumber, for I had never before +heard him so prosy since I first overtook him on the +Colchester road. I hate politics as a subject of +conversation, it is too wide a field for chit chat, and +too often ends in angry discussion. How long he continued +this train of speculation I do not know, but, judging by +the different aspect of the country, I must have slept +an hour. + +I was at length aroused by the report of his rifle, which +he had discharged from the waggon. The last I recollected +of his conversation was, I think, about American angels +having no voice in the Government, an assertion that +struck my drowsy faculties as not strictly true; as I +had often heard that the American ladies talked frequently +and warmly on the subject of politics, and knew that one +of them had very recently the credit of breaking up +General Jackson's cabinet.--When I awoke, the first I +heard was "well, I declare, if that aint an amazin fine +shot, too, considerin how the critter was a runnin the +whole blessed time; if I han't cut her head off with a +ball, jist below the throat, that's a fact." There's no +mistake in a good Kentucky rifle! I tell you. Whose head? +said I, in great alarm, whose head, Mr. Slick? for heaven's +sake what have you done? (for I had been dreaming of +those angelic politicians the American ladies.) Why that +are hen-partridge's head, to be sure, said he; don't you +see how special wonderful wise it looks, a flutterin +about arter its head. True, said I, rubbing my eyes, and +opening them in time to see the last muscular spasms of +the decapitated body; true, Mr. Slick, it is a happy +illustration of our previous conversation--A BODY WITHOUT +A HEAD. + + + + +No. XXX + +A Tale of Bunker's Hill. + +Mr. Slick, like all his countrymen whom I have seen, felt +that his own existence was involved in that of the +Constitution of the United States, and that it was his +duty to uphold it upon all occasions. He affected to +consider its government and its institutions as perfect, +and if any doubt was suggested as to the stability or +character of either, would make the common reply of all +Americans, "I guess you don't understand us," or else +enter into a labored defence. When left, however, to the +free expression of his own thoughts, he would often give +utterance to those apprehensions which most men feel in +the event of an experiment not yet fairly tried, and +which has in many parts evidently disappointed the sanguine +hopes of its friends. But, even on these occasions, when +his vigilance seemed to slumber, he would generally cover +them, by giving them as the remarks of others, or concealing +them in a tale. It was this habit that gave his discourse +rather the appearance of "thinking aloud," than a connected +conversation. + +We are a great nation, Squire, he said, that's sartain; +but I'm afeard we didn't altogether start right. Its in +politics as in racin, every thing depends upon a fair +start. If you are off too quick, you have to pull up and +turn back agin, and your beast gets out of wind and is +baffled, and if you lose in the start you hant got a fair +chance arterwards, and are plaguy apt to be jockied in +the course. When we set up housekeepin, as it were for +ourselves, we hated our step mother, Old England, so +dreadful bad, we wouldn't foller any of her ways of +managin at all, but made new receipts for ourselves. +Well, we missed it in many things most consumedly, some +how or another. Did you ever see, said he, a congregation +split right in two by a quarrel, and one part go off and +set up for themselves. I am sorry to say, said I, that +I have seen some melancholy instances of the kind. Well, +they shoot ahead, or drop astern, as the case may be but +they soon get on another tack, and leave the old ship +clean out of sight. When folks once take to emigratin in +religion in this way, they never know where to bide. +First they try one location, and then they try another; +some settle here and some improve there, but they don't +hitch their horses together long. Some times they complain +they HAVE TOO LITTLE WATER, at other times that they HAVE +TOO MUCH; they are never satisfied, and, wherever these +separatists go, they onsettle others as bad as themselves. +I NEVER LOOK ON A DESARTER AS ANY GREAT SHAKES. My poor +father used to say, "Sam, mind what I tell you, if a man +don't agree in all particulars with his church, and can't +go the whole hog with 'em, he aint justified on that +account, no how, to separate from them, for Sam, SCHISM +IS A SIN IN THE EYE OF GOD." The whole Christian world, +he would say, is divided into two great families, the +Catholic and Protestant. Well, the Catholic is a united +family, a happy family, and a strong family, all governed +by one head; and Sam, as sure as eggs is eggs, that are +family will grub out tother one, stalk, branch and root, +it won't so much as leave the seed of it in the ground, +to grow by chance as a nateral curiosity. Now the Protestant +family is like a bundle of refuse shingles, when withed +up together, (which it never was and never will be to +all etarnity) no great of a bundle arter all, you might +take it up under one arm, and walk off with it without +winkin. But, when all lyin loose as it always is, jist +look at it, and see what a sight it is, all blowin about +by every wind of doctrine, some away up een a most out +of sight, others rollin over and over in the dirt, some +split to pieces, and others so warped by the weather and +cracked by the sun--no two of 'em will lie so as to make +a close jint. They are all divided into sects, railin, +quarrellin, separatin, and agreein in nothin, but hatin +each other. It is awful to think on. 'Tother family will +some day or other gather them all up, put them into a +bundle and bind them up tight, and condemn 'em as fit +for nothin under the sun, but the fire. Now he who splits +one of these here sects by schism, or he who preaches +schism, commits a grievous sin; and Sam, if you valy your +own peace of mind, have nothin to do with such folks. + +Its pretty much the same in Politics. I aint quite clear +in my conscience, Sam, about our glorious revolution. If +that are blood was shed justly in the rebellion, then it +was the Lord's doin, but if unlawfully, how am I to answer +for my share in it. I was at Bunker's Hill (the most +splendid battle its generally allowed that ever was +fought); what effect my shots had, I can't tell, and I +am glad I can't, all except one, Sam, and that shot--Here +the Old Gentleman became dreadful agitated, he shook like +an ague fit, and he walked up and down the room, and +wrung his hands, and groaned bitterly. I have wrestled +with the Lord, Sam, and have prayed to him to enlighten +me on that pint, and to wash out the stain of that are +blood from my hands. I never told you that are story, +nor your mother neither, for she could not stand it, poor +critter, she's kinder narvous. + +Well, Doctor Warren, (the first soldier of his age, though +he never fought afore,) commanded us all to resarve our +fire till the British came within pint blank shot, and +we could cleverly see the whites of their eyes, and we +did so--and we mowed them down like grass, and we repeated +our fire with awful effect. I was among the last that +remained behind the breast-work, for most on 'em, arter +the second shot, cut and run full split. The British were +close to us; and an officer, with his sword drawn, was +leading on his men and encouragin them to the charge. I +could see his features, he was a real handsum man, I can +see him now with his white breeches and black gaiters, +and red coat, and three cornered cocked hat, as plain as +if it was yesterday, instead of the year '75. Well, I +took a steady aim at him and fired. He did'nt move for +a space, and I thought I had missed him, when all of a +sudden, he sprung right straight up an eend, his sword +slipt through his hands up to the pint, and then he fell +flat on his face atop of the blade, and it came straight +out through his back. He was fairly skivered. I never +seed any thing so awful since I was raised, I actilly +screamed out with horror--and I threw away my gun, and +joined them that were retreatin over the neck to +Charlestown. Sam, that are British officer, if our +rebellion was onjust or onlawful, was murdered, that's +a fact; and the idee, now I am growin old, haunts me day +and night. Sometimes I begin with the Stamp Act, and I +go over all our grievances, one by one, and say aint they +a sufficient justification? Well, it makes a long list, +and I get kinder satisfied, and it appears as clear as +any thing. But sometimes there come doubts in my mind, +jist like a guest that's not invited or not expected, +and takes you at a short like, and I say, warn't the +Stamp Act repealed, and concessions made, and warn't +offers sent to settle all fairly--and I get troubled and +oneasy again? And then I say to myself, says I, oh yes, +but them offers came too late. I do nothin now, when I +am alone, but argue it over and over again. I actilly +dream on that man in my sleep sometimes, and then I see +him as plain as if he was afore me, and I go over it all +agin till I come to that are shot, and then I leap right +up in bed and scream like all vengeance, and your mother, +poor old critter, says, Sam, says she, what on airth ails +you to make you act so like old Scratch in your sleep--I +do believe there's somethin or another on your conscience. +And I say, Polly dear, I guess we're a goin to have rain, +for that plaguy cute rheumatis has seized my foot and it +does antagonize me so I have no peace. It always does so +when it's like for a change. Dear heart she says, (the +poor simple critter,) then I guess I had better rub it, +had'nt I, Sam? and she crawls out of bed and gets her +red flannel petticoat, and rubs away at my foot ever so +long. Oh, Sam, if she could rub it out of my heart as +easy as she thinks she rubs it out of my foot, I should +be in peace, that's a fact. + +What's done, Sam, can't be helped, there is no use in +cryin over spilt milk, but still one can't help a thinkin +on it. But I dont love schisms and I dont love rebellion. + +Our revolution has made us grow faster and grow richer; +but Sam, when we were younger and poorer, we were more +pious and more happy. We have nothin fixed either in +religion or politics. What connection there ought to be +atween Church and State, I am not availed, but some there +ought to be as sure as the Lord made Moses. Religion when +left to itself, as with us, grows too rank and luxuriant. +Suckers and sprouts, and intersecting shoots, and +superfluous wood make a nice shady tree to look at, but +where's the fruit, Sam? that's the question--where's the +fruit? No; the pride of human wisdom, and the presumption +it breeds will ruinate us. Jefferson was an infidel, and +avowed it, and gloried in it, and called it the +enlightenment of the age. Cambridge College is Unitarian, +cause it looks wise to doubt, and every drumstick of a +boy ridicules the belief of his forefathers. If our +country is to be darkened by infidelity, our Government +defied by every State, and every State ruled by mobs--then, +Sam, the blood we shed in our revolution will be atoned +for in the blood and suffering of our fellow citizens. +The murders of that civil war will be expiated by a +political suicide of the State. + +I am somewhat of father's opinion, Said the Clockmaker, +though I dont go the whole figur with him, but he needn't +have made such an everlastin touss about fixin that are +British officer's flint for him, for he'd a died of +himself by this time, I do suppose, if he had a missed +his shot at him. Praps we might have done a little better, +and praps we mightn't, by sticken a little closer to the +old constitution. But one thing I will say, I think arter +all, your Colony Government is about as happy and as a +good a one as I know on. A man's life and property are +well protected here at little cost, and he can go where +he likes and do what he likes provided he don't trespass +on his neighbor. + +I guess that's enough for any on us, now aint it? + + + + +No. XXXI + +Gulling a Blue Nose. + +I allot, said Mr. Slick, that the Blue Noses are the most +gullible folks on the face of the airth--rigular soft +horns, that's a fact. Politicks and such stuff set 'em +a gapin, like children in a chimbley corner listenen to +tales of ghosts, Salem witches, and Nova Scotia snowstorms; +and while they stand starin and yawpin all eyes and mouth, +they get their pockets picked of every cent that's in +'em. One candidate chap says "Feller citizens, this +country is goin to the dogs hand over hand; look at your +rivers, you have no bridges; at your wild lands, you have +no roads; at your treasury, you hante got a cent in it: +at your markets, things dont fetch nothin; at your fish, +the Yankees ketch 'em all. There's nothin behind you +but sufferin, around you but poverty, afore you, but +slavery and death. What's the cause of this unheerd of +awful state of things, ay, what's the cause? Why Judges, +and Banks, and Lawyers, and great folks, have swallered +all the money. They've got you down, and they'll keep +you down to all etarnity, you and your posteriors arter +you. Rise up like men, arouse yourselves like freemen, +and elect me to the Legislatur, and I'll lead on the +small but patriotic band, I'll put the big wigs thro' +their facins, I'll make 'em shake in their shoes, I'll +knock off your chains and make you free." Well, the goneys +fall tu and elect him, and he desarts right away, with +balls, rifle, powder horn and all. HE PROMISED TOO MUCH. + +Then comes a real good man, and an everlastin fine +preacher, a most a special spiritual man, renounces the +world, the flesh, and the devil, preaches and prays day +and night, so kind to the poor, and so humble, he has no +more pride than a babe, and so short-handed he's no butter +to his bread--all self denial, mortifyin the flesh. Well, +as soon as he can work it, he marries the richest gall +in all his flock, and then his bread is buttered on both +sides. HE PROMISED TOO MUCH. + +Then comes a Doctor, and a prime article he is too, I've +got, says he, a screw augur emetic and hot crop, and if +I cant cure all sorts o' things in natur my name aint +quack. Well he turns stomach and pocket, both inside out, +and leaves poor Blue Nose--a dead man. HE PROMISED TOO +MUCH. + +Then comes a Lawyer, an honest lawyer too, a real wonder +under the sun, as straight as a shingle in all his dealins. +He's so honest he cant bear to hear tell of other lawyers, +he writes agin 'em, raves agin 'em, votes agin 'em, they +are all rogues but him. He's jist the man to take a case +in hand, cause HE will see justice done. Well, he wins +his case, and fobs all for costs, cause he's sworn to +see justice done to--himself. HE PROMISED TOO MUCH. + +Then comes a Yankee Clockmaker, (and here Mr. Slick +looked up and smiled,) with his "Soft Sawder," and "Human +Natur," and he sells clocks warranted to run from July +to Etarnity, stoppages included, and I must say they do +run as long as--as long as wooden clocks commonly do, +that's a fact. But I'll shew you presently how I put the +leak into 'em, for here's a feller a little bit ahead on +us, whose flint I've made up my mind to fix this while +past. Here we were nearly thrown out of the waggon, by +the breaking down of one of those small wooden bridges, +which prove so annoying and so dangerous to travellers. +Did you hear that are snap? said he, well as sure as +fate, I'll break my clocks over them etarnal log bridges, +if Old Clay clips over them arter that fashion. Them are +poles are plaguy treacherous, they are jist like old Marm +Patience Doesgood's teeth, that keeps the great United +Independent Democratic Hotel, at Squaw Neck Creek, in +Massachusetts, one half gone, and tother half rotten +eends. I thought you had disposed of your last Clock, +said I, at Colchester, to Deacon Flint. So I did, he +replied, the last one I had to sell to HIM, but I got a +few left for other folks yet. Now there is a man on this +road, one Zeb Allen, a real genuINE skinflint, a proper +close fisted customer as you'll amost see any where, and +one that's not altogether the straight thing in his dealin +neither. He dont want no one to live but himself, and +he's mighty handsum to me, sayin my Clocks are all a +cheat, and that we ruinate the country, a drainin every +drop of money out of it, a callin me a Yankee broom and +what not. But it tante all jist Gospel that he says. Now +I'll put a Clock on him afore he knows it, I'll go right +into him as slick as a whistle, and play him to the eend +of my line like a trout. I'll have a hook in his gills, +while he's a thinkin he's only smellin at the bait. There +he is now, I'll be darned if he aint, standin afore his +shop door, lookin as strong as high proof Jamaiky; I +guess I'll whip it out o' the bung while he's a lookin +arter the spicket, and praps he'll be none o' the wiser +till be finds it out, neither. + +Well Squire, how do you do, said he, how's all to home? +Reasonable well, I give you thanks, wont you alight? Cant +to-day, said Mr. Slick, I'm in a considerable of a hurry +to katch the Packet, have you any commands for Sow West? +I'm goin to the Island, and across the Bay to Windsor. +Any word that way? No says Mr. Allen, none that I can +think on, unless it be to enquire how butter's goin; they +tell me cheese is down, and proDUCE of all kind particular +dull this fall. Well, I'm glad I can tell you that +question, said Slick, for I don't calculate to return to +these parts, butter is risin a cent or two; I put mine +off mind at 10 pence. Dont return! possible! why how +you talk? have you done with the clock trade? I guess I +have, it tante worth follerin now. Most time, said the +other, laughing, for by all accounts the clocks warnt +worth havin, and most infarnal dear too, folks begin to +get their eyes open. It warnt needed in your case, said +Mr. Slick, with that peculiarly composed manner, that +indicates suppressed feeling, for you were always wide +awake, if all the folks had cut their eye teeth as airly +as you did, their'd be plaguy few clocks sold in these +parts, I reckon; but you are right, Squire, you may say +that, they actilly were NOT worth havin, and that's the +truth. The fact is, said he, throwing down his reins; +and affecting a most confidential tone, I felt almost +ashamed of them myself; I tell you. The long and short +of the matter is jist this, they don't make no good ones +now-a-days, no more, for they calculate 'em for shippin +and not for home use. I was all struck up of a heap when +I see'd the last lot I got from the States; I was properly +bit by them, you may depend; they didnt pay cost, for I +couldn't recommend them with a clear conscience, and I +must say I do like a fair deal, for I'm strait up and +down, and love to go right ahead, that's a fact. Did you +ever see them I fetched when I first came, them I sold +over the Bay? No, said Mr. Allen, I cant say I did. Well, +continued he, they WERE a prime article, I tell you, no +mistake there, fit for any market, its generally allowed +there aint the beat of them to be found any where. If +you want a clock, and CAN lay your hands on one of them, +I advise you not to let go the chance; you'll know 'em +by the 'Lowell' mark, for they were all made at Judge +Beler's factory, Squire Shepody, down to Five Islands, +axed me to get him one, and a special job I had of it, +near about more sarch arter it than it was worth, but I +did get him one, and a particular handsome one it is, +copald and gilt superior. I guess its worth ary half +dozen in these parts, let tothers be where they may. If +I could a got supplied with the like o' them, I could a +made a grand spec out of them, for they took at once, +and went off quick. Have you got it with you, said Mr. +Allen, I should like to see it. Yes, I have it here, all +done up in tow, as snug as a bird's egg, to keep it from +jarrin, for it hurts 'em consumedly to jolt 'em over them +are etarnal wooden bridges. But its no use to take it +out, it aint for sale, its bespoke, and I would'nt take +the same trouble to get another for twenty dollars. The +only one that I know of that there's any chance of gettin, +is one that Increase Crane has up to Wilmot, they say +he's a sellin off. + +After a good deal of persuasion, Mr. Slick unpacked the +clock, but protested against his asking for it, for it +was not for sale. It was then exhibited, every part +explained and praised, as new in invention and perfect +in workmanship. Now Mr. Allen had a very exalted opinion +of Squire Shepody's taste, judgment, and saving knowledge; +and, as it was the last and only chance of getting a +clock, of such superior quality, he offered to take it +at the price the Squire was to have it, at seven pounds +ten shillings. But Mr. Slick vowed he could'nt part with +it at no rate, he didnt know where he could get the like +agin, (for he warnt quite sure about Increase Crane's) +and the Squire would be confounded disappointed, he +could'nt think of it. In proportion to the difficulties, +rose the ardor of Mr. Allen, his offers advanced to 8 +pounds, to 8 pounds 10, to 9 pounds. I vow, said Mr. +Slick, I wish I had'nt let on that I had it at all. I +don't like to refuse you, but where am I to get the like. +After much discussion of a similar nature, he consented +to part with the clock, though with great apparent +reluctance, and pocketed the money with a protest that, +cost what it would, he should have to procure another, +for he could'nt think of putting the Squire's pipe out +arter that fashion, for he was a very clever man, and as +fair as a boot jack. Now, said Mr. Slick, as we proceeded +on our way, that are feller is properly sarved, he got +the most inferior article I had, and I jist doubled the +price on him. Its a pity he should be a tellin of lies +of the Yankees all the time, this will help him now to +a little grain of truth. Then mimicking his voice and +manner, he repeated Allen's words with a strong nasal +twang, "Most time for you to give over the clock trade, +I guess, for by all accounts they aint worth havin, and +most infarnel dear too, folks begin to get their eyes +open." Better for you, if you'd a had yourn open, I +reckon, a joke is a joke, but I concait you'll find that +no joke. The next time you tell stories about Yankee +pedlars, put the wooden clock in with the wooden punkin +seeds, and Hickory hams, will you? The Blue Noses, Squire, +are all like Zeb Allen, they think they know every thing, +but they get gulled from years' eend to years' eend. They +expect too much from others, and do too little for +themselves. They actilly expect the sun to shine, and +the rain to fall, through their little House of Assembly. +What have you done for us? they keep axin their members. +Who did you spunk up to last Session? jist as if all +legislation consisted in attackin some half dozen puss +proud folks at Halifax, who are jist as big noodles as +they be themselves. You hear nothin but politicks, +politicks, politicks, one everlastin sound of give, give, +give. If I was Governor I'd give 'em the butt eend of my +mind on the subject, I'd crack their pates till I let +some light in 'em, if it was me, I know. I'd say to the +members, don't come down here to Halifax with your long +lockrums about politicks, makin, a great touss about +nothin; but open the country, foster agricultur, encourage +trade, incorporate companies, make bridges, facilitate +conveyance, and above all things make a Railroad from +Windsor to Halifax; and mind what I tell you now, write +it down for fear you should forget it, for it's a fact; +and if you don't believe me, I'll lick you till you do, +for there aint a word of a lie in it, by Gum: "ONE SUCH +WORK AS THE WINDSOR BRIDGE IS WORTH ALL YOUR LAWS, VOTES, +SPEECHES AND RESOLUTIONS, FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS, IF TIED +UP AND PUT INTO A MEAL BAG TOGETHER. IF IT TANTE I HOPE +I MAY BE SHOT." + + + + +No. XXXII + +Too many Irons in the Fire. + +We had a pleasant sail of three hours from Parrsboro to +Windsor. The arrivals and departures by water, are +regulated at this place by the tide, and it was sunset +before we reached Mrs. Wilcox's comfortable inn. Here, +as at other places, Mr. Slick seemed to be perfectly at +home; and he pointed to a wooden clock, as a proof of +his successful and extended trade, and of the universal +influence of "soft sawder," and a knowledge of "human +natur." Taking out a pen knife, he cut off a splinter +from a stick of firewood, and balancing himself on one +leg of his chair, by the aid of his right foot, commenced +his favorite amusement of whitling, which he generally +pursued in silence. Indeed it appeared to have become +with him an indispensible accompaniment of reflection. +He sat in this abstracted manner, until he had manufactured +into delicate shavings the whole of his raw materiel, +when he very deliberately resumed a position of more ease +and security, by resting his chair on two legs instead +of one, and putting both his feet on the mantel piece. +Then, lighting his cigar, he said in his usual quiet +manner, there's a plaguy sight of truth in them are old +proverbs. They are distilled facts steamed down to an +essence. They are like portable soup, an amazin deal of +matter in a small compass. They are what I valy most, +experience. Father used to say I'd as lives have an old +homespun self taught doctor as are a Professor in the +College at Philadelphia or New York to attend me; for +what they do know, they know by experience, and not by +books; and experience is every thing, its hearin and +seein and tryin, and arter that a feller must be a born +fool if he don't know. That's the beauty of old proverbs; +they are as true as a plum line, and as short and sweet +as sugar candy. Now when you come to see all about this +Country you'll find the truth of that are one--"A MAN +THAT HAS TOO MANY IRONS IN THE FIRE, IS PLAGUY APT TO +GET SOME ON 'EM BURNT." + +Do you recollect that are tree I show'd you to Parrsboro', +it was all covered with BLACK KNOBS, like a wart rubbed +with caustic. Well, the plum trees had the same disease +a few years ago, and they all died, and the cherry trees +I concait will go for it too. The farms here are all +covered with the same "black knobs," and they do look +like old scratch. If you see a place all gone to wrack +and ruin, its mortgaged you may depend. The "black knob" +is on it. My plan, you know, is to ax leave to put a +clock in a house, and let it be till I return. I never +say a word about sellin it, for I know when I come back, +they wont let it go arter they are once used to it. Well, +when I first came, I knowed no one, and I was forced to +enquire whether a man was good for it, afore I left it +with him; so I made a pint of axin all about every man's +place that lived on the road. Who lives up there in the +big house, says I? its a nice location that, pretty +considerable improvements them. Why Sir, that's A. B.'s; +he was well to do in the world once, carried a stiff +upper lip and keerd for no one; he was one of our grand +aristocrats, wore a long tailed coat, and a ruffled shirt, +but he must take to ship buildin, and has gone to the +dogs. Oh, said I, too many irons in the fire. Well, the +next farm, where the pigs are in the potatoe field, whose +is that? Oh, Sir, that's C. D's. he was a considerable +fore handed farmer, as any in our place, but he sot up +for an Assembly-man, and opened a Store, and things went +agin him some how, he had no luck arterwards. I hear his +place is mortgaged, and they've got him cited in chancery. +"The black knob" is on him, said I. The black what, Sir, +says Blue Nose? nothin says I. But the next, who improves +that house? Why that's E. F.'s he was the greatest farmer +in these parts, another of the aristocracy, had a most +a noble stock o' cattle, and the matter of some hundreds +out in jint notes; well he took the contract for beef +with the troops; and he fell astarn so, I guess its a +gone goose with him. He's heavy mortgaged. "Too many +irons" agin, said I. Who lives to the left there? that +man has a most a special fine intervale, and a grand +orchard too, he must be a good mark that. Well he was +once, Sir, a few years ago; but he built a fullin mill, +and a cardin mill, and put up a lumber establishment, +and speculated in the West Indy line, but the dam was +carried away by the freshets, the lumber fell, and faith +he fell too; he's shot up, he hant been see'd these two +years, his farm is a common, and fairly run out. Oh, said +I, I understand now, my man, these folks had too many +irons in the fire you see, and some on 'em have got burnt. +I never heerd tell of it, says Blue Nose; they might, +but not to my knowledge; and he scratched his head, and +looked as if he would ask the meanin of it, but didn't +like too. Arter that I axed no more questions; I knew a +mortgaged farm as far as I could see it. There was a +strong family likeness in 'em all--the same ugly featurs, +the same cast o' countenance. The "black knob" was +discernible--there was no mistake--barn doors broken +off--fences burnt up--glass out of windows--more white +crops than green--and both lookin poor and weedy--no +wood pile, no sarse garden, no compost, no stock--moss +in the mowin lands, thistles in the ploughed lands, and +neglect every where--skinnin had commenced--takin all +out and puttin nothin in--gittin ready for a move, SO AS +TO HAVE NOTHIN BEHIND. Flittin time had come. Fore +gatherin, for foreclosin. Preparin to curse and quit. +--That beautiful river we came up to day, What superfine +farms it has on both sides of it, hante it? its a sight +to behold. Our folks have no notion of such a country so +far down east, beyond creation most, as Nova Scotia is. +If I was to draw up an account of it for the Slickville +Gazette, I guess few would accept it as a bona fide draft, +without some sponsible man to indorse it, that warnt +given to flammin. They'd say there was a land speculation +to the bottom of it, or water privilege to put into the +market, or a plaister rock to get off, or some such +scheme. They would, I snore. But I hope I may never see +daylight agin, if there's sich a country in all our great +nation, as the VI-cinity of Windsor. + +Now its jist as like as not, some goney of a Blue Nose, +that see'd us from his fields, sailin up full spirit, +with a fair wind on the packet, went right off home and +said to his wife, "now do for gracious sake, mother, jist +look here, and see how slick them folks go along; and +that Captain has nothin to do all day, but sit straddle +legs across his tiller, and order about his sailors, or +talk like a gentleman to his passengers; he's got most +as easy a time of it as Ami Cuttle has, since he took up +the fur trade, a snarin rabbits. I guess I'll buy a +vessel, and leave the lads to do the plowin and little +chores, they've growd up now to be considerable lumps of +boys." Well, away he'll go, hot foot, (for I know the +critters better nor they know themselves) and he'll go +and buy some old wrack of a vessel, to carry plaister, +and mortgage his farm to pay for her. The vessel will +jam him up tight for repairs and new riggin, and the +Sheriff will soon pay him a visit (and he's a most +particular troublesome visitor that; if he once only gets +a slight how-d'ye-do acquaintance, he becomes so amazin +intimate arterwards, a comin in without knockin, and a +runnin in and out at all hours, and makin so plaguy free +and easy, its about as much as a bargain if you can get +clear of him afterwards.) Benipt by the tide, and benipt +by the Sheriff, the vessel makes short work with him. +Well, the upshot is, the farm gets neglected, while +Captain Cuddy is to sea a drogin of plaister. The thistles +run over his grain fields, his cattle run over his hay +land, the interest runs over its time, the mortgage runs +over all, and at last he jist runs over to the lines to +Eastport, himself. And when he finds himself there, a +standin in the street, near Major Pine's tavern, with +his bands in his trowser pockets, a chasin of a stray +shillin from one eend of 'em to another, afore he can +catch it to swap for a dinner, wont he look like a ravin +distracted fool, that's all? He'll feel about as streaked +as I did once, a ridin down the St. John river. It was +the fore part of March--I'd been up to Fredericton a +speculatin in a small matter of lumber, and was returnin +to the city, a gallopin along on one of old Buntin's +horses, on the ice, and all at one I missed my horse, he +went right slap in and slid under the ice out of sight +as quick as wink, and there I was a standin all alone. +Well, says I, what the dogs has become of my horse and +port mantle? they have given me a proper dodge, that's +a fact. That is a narrer squeak, it fairly bangs all. +Well, I guess he'll feel near about as ugly, when he +finds himself brought up all standin that way; and it +will come so sudden on him, he'll say, why it aint possible +I've lost farm and vessel both, in tu tu's that way, but +I don't see neither on 'em. Eastport is near about all +made up of folks who have had to cut and run for it. + +I was down there last fall, and who should I see but +Thomas Rigby, of Windsor. He knew me the minit he laid +eyes upon me, for I had sold him a clock the summer afore. +(I got paid for it, though, for I see'd he had too many +irons in the fire not to get some on 'em burnt; and +besides, I knew every fall and spring the wind set in +for the lines, from Windsor, very strong--a regular trade +wind--a sort of monshune, that blows all one way, for a +long time without shiftin.) Well, I felt proper sorry +for him, for he was a very clever man, and looked cut up +dreadfully, and amazin down in the mouth. Why, says I, +possible! is that you, Mr. Rigby? why, as I am alive! if +that aint my old friend--why how do you do? Hearty, I +thank you, said he, how be you? Reasonable well, I give +you thanks, says I; but what on airth brought you here? +Why, says he, Mr. Slick, I couldn't well avoid it; times +are uncommon dull over the bay; there's nothin stirrin +there this year, and never will I'm thinkin. No mortal +soul CAN live in Nova Scotia. I do believe that our +country was made of a Saturday night, arter all the rest +of the Universe was finished. One half of it has got all +the ballast of Noah's ark thrown out there; and the other +half is eat up by Bankers, Lawyers, and other great folks. +All our money goes to pay salaries, and a poor man has +no chance at all. Well, says I, are you done up stock +and fluke--a total wrack? No, says he, I have two hundred +pounds left yet to the good, but my farm, stock and +utensils, them young blood horses, and the bran new vessel +I was a buildin, are all gone to pot, swept as clean as +a thrashin floor, that's a fact; Shark & Co. took all. +Well, says I, do you know the reason of all that misfortin? +Oh, says he, any fool can tell that; bad times to be +sure--every thing has turned agin the country, the banks +have it all their own way, and much good may it do 'em. +Well, says I, what's the reason the banks don't eat us +up too, for I guess they are as hungry as yourn be, and +no way particular about their food neither; considerable +sharp set--cut like razors, you may depend. I'll tell +you, says I, how you get that are slide, that sent you +heels over head--"YOU HAD TOO MANY IRONS IN THE FIRE." +You hadn't ought to have taken hold of ship buildin at +all, you knowed nothin about it; you should have stuck +to your farm, and your farm would have stuck to you. Now +go back, afore you spend your money, go up to Douglas, +and you'll buy as good a farm for two hundred pounds as +what you lost, and see to that, and to that only, and +you'll grow rich. As for Banks, they can't hurt a country +no great, I guess, except by breakin, and I conceit +there's no fear of yourn breakin; and as for lawyers, +and them kind o' heavy coaches, give 'em half the road, +and if they run agin you, take the law of 'em. Undivided, +unremittin attention paid to one thing, in ninety-nine +cases out of a hundred, will ensure success; but you know +the old sayin about "TOO MANY IRONS." + +Now, says I, Mr. Rigby, what o'clock is it? Why, says +he, the moon is up a piece, I guess its seven o'clock or +thereabouts. I suppose its time to be a movin. Stop, says +I, jist come with me, I got a real nateral curiosity to +show you--such a thing as you never laid your eyes on in +Nova-Scotia, I know. So we walked along towards the beach; +now, says I, look at that are man, old Lunar, and his +son, a sawin plank by moonlight, for that are vessel on +the stocks there; come agin to morrow mornin, afore you +can cleverly discarn objects the matter of a yard or so +afore you, and you'll find 'em at it agin. I guess that +vessel won't ruinate those folks. They know their business +and stick to it. Well, away went Rigby, considerably +sulky, (for he had no notion that it was his own fault, +he laid all the blame on the folks to Halifax,) but I +guess he was a little grain posed, for back he went, and +bought to Sowack, where I hear he has a better farm than +he had afore. + +I mind once we had an Irish gall as a dairy help; well, +we had a wicked devil of a cow, and she kicked over the +milk pail, and in ran Dora, and swore the Bogle did it; +jist so, poor Rigby, he wouldn't allow it was nateral +causes, but laid it all to politics. Talkin of Dora, puts +me in mind of the galls, for she warnt a bad lookin heifer +that; my! what an eye she had, and I concaited she had +a particular small foot and ankle too, when I helped her +up once into the hay mow, to sarch for eggs; but I cant +exactly say, for when she brought em in, mother shook +her head and said it was dangerous; she said she might +fall through and hurt herself, and always sent old Snow +afterwards. She was a considerable of a long headed woman, +was mother, she could see as far ahead as most folks. +She warn't born yesterday, I guess. But that are proverb +is true as respects the galls too. Whenever you see one +on 'em with a whole lot of sweet hearts, its an even +chance if she gets married to any on em. One cools off, +and another cools off, and before she brings any one on +em to the right weldin heat, the coal is gone and the +fire is out. Then she may blow and blow till she's tired; +she may blow up a dust, but the deuce of a flame can she +blow up agin, to save her soul alive. I never see a clever +lookin gall in danger of that, I dont long to whisper in +her ear, you dear little critter, you, take care, you +have too many irons in the fire, some on 'em will get +stone cold, and tother ones will get burnt so, they'll +never be no good in natur. + + + + +No. XXXIII + +Windsor and the Far West. + +The next morning the Clockmaker proposed to take a drive +round the neighborhood. You hadn't ought, says he, to be +in a hurry; you should see the VIcinity of this location; +there aint the beat of it to be found anywhere. While +the servants were harnessing old Clay, we went to see a +new bridge, which had recently been erected over the Avon +River. That, said he, is a splendid thing. A New Yorker +built it, and the folks in St. John paid for it. You mean +of Halifax, said I; St. John is in the other province. +I mean what I say, he replied, and it is a credit to New +Brunswick. No, Sir, the Halifax folks neither know nor +keer much about the country--they wouldn't take hold on +it, and if they had a waited for them, it would have been +one while afore they got a bridge, I tell you. They've +no spirit, and plaguy little sympathy with the country, +and I'll tell you the reason on it. There are a good many +people there from other parts, and always have been, who +come to make money and nothin else, who don't call it +home, and don't feel to home, and who intend to up killoch +and off, as soon as they have made their ned out of the +Blue Noses. They have got about as much regard for the +country as a pedlar has, who trudges along with a pack +on his back. He WALKS, cause he intends to RIDE at last; +TRUSTS, cause he intends to SUE at last; SMILES, cause +he intends to CHEAT at last; SAVES ALL, cause he intends +to MOVE ALL at last. Its actilly overrun with transient +paupers, and transient speculators, and these last grumble +and growl like a bear with a sore head, the whole blessed +time, at every thing; and can hardly keep a civil tongue +in their head, while they're fobbin your money hand over +hand. These critters feel no interest in any thing but +cent per cent; they deaden public spirit; they han't got +none themselves, and they larf at it in others; and, when +you add their numbers to the timid ones, the stingy ones, +the ignorant ones, and the poor ones that are to be found +in every place, why the few smart spirited ones that's +left, are too few to do any thing, and so nothin is done. +It appears to me if I was a Blue Nose I'd ---; but thank +fortin I aint, so I says nothin--but there is somethin +that aint altogether jist right is this country, that's +a fact. + +But what a country this Bay country is, isn't it? Look +at that medder, beant it lovely? The Prayer Eyes of +Illanoy are the top of the ladder with us, but these +dykes take the shine off them by a long chalk, that's +sartin. The land in our far west, it is generally allowed, +can't be no better; what you plant is sure to grow and +yield well, and food is so cheap you can live there for +half nothin. But it don't agree with us New England folks; +we don't enjoy good health there; and what in the world +is the use of food, if you have such an etarnal dyspepsy +you can't digest it, A man can hardly live there till +next grass afore he is in the yaller leaf. Just like one +of our bran new vessels built down in Maine, of best +hackmatack, or what's better still, of our real American +live oak, (and that's allowed to be about the best in +the world) send her off to the West Indies, and let her +lie there awhile, and the worms will riddle her bottom +all full of holes like a tin cullender, or a board with +a grist of duck shot thro it, you wouldn't believe what +a BORE they be. Well, that's jist the case with the +western climate. The heat takes the solder out of the +knees and elbows, weakens the joints and makes the frame +ricketty. Besides, we like the smell of the Salt Water, +it seems kinder nateral to us New Englanders. We can make +more a plowin of the seas, than plowin of a prayer eye. +It would take a bottom near about as long as Connecticut +river, to raise wheat enough to buy the cargo of a +Nantucket whaler, or a Salem tea ship. And then to leave +one's folks, and naTIVE place where one was raised, halter +broke, and trained to go in gear, and exchange all the +comforts of the old States, for them are new ones, dont +seem to go down well at all. Why the very sight of the +Yankee galls is good for sore eyes, the dear little +critters, they do look so scrumptious, I tell you, with +their cheeks bloomin like a red rose budded on a white +one and their eyes like Mrs. Adams's diamonds, (that +folks say shine as well in the dark as in the light,) +neck like a swan, lips chock full of kisses--lick! it +fairly makes one's mouth water to think on 'em. But its +no use talkin, they are just made critters that's a fact, +full of health and life and beauty,--now, to change them +are splendid white water lillies of Connecticut and Rhode +Island, for the yaller crocusses of Illanoy, a what we +don't like. It goes most confoundedly agin the grain, I +tell you. Poor critters, when they get away back there, +they grow as thin as a sawed lath, their little peepers +are as dull as a boiled codfish, their skin looks like +yaller fever, and they seem all mouth like a crocodile. +And that's not the worst of it neither, for when a woman +begins to grow saller its all over with her; she's up a +tree then you may depend, there's no mistake. You can no +more bring back her bloom than you can the color to a +leaf the frost has touched in the fall. It's gone goose +with her, that's a fact. And that's not all, for the +temper is plaguy apt to change with the cheek too. When +the freshness of youth is on the move, the sweetness of +temper is amazin apt to start along with it. A bilious +cheek and a sour temper are like the Siamese twins, +there's a nateral cord of union atween them. The one is +a sign board, with the name of the firm written on it in +big letters. He that don't know this, cant read, I guess. +It's no use to cry over spilt milk, we all know, but its +easier said than done that. Women kind, and especially +single folks, will take on dreadful at the fadin of their +roses, and their frettin only seems to make the thorns +look sharper. Our minister used to say to sister Sall, +(and when she was young she was a real witch, a most an +everlastin sweet girl,) Sally, he used to say, now's the +time to larn when you are young; store your mind well, +dear, and the fragrance will remain long arter the rose +has shed its leaves. The otter of roses is stronger than +the rose, and a plaguy sight more valuable. Sall wrote +it down, she said it warnt a bad idee that; but father +larfed, he said he guessed minister's courtin days warnt +over, when he made such pretty speeches as that are to +the galls. Now, who would go to expose his wife or his +darters, or himself, to the dangers of such a climate +for the sake of 30 bushels of wheat to the acre, instead +of 15. There seems a kinder somethin in us that rises in +our throat when we think on it, and wont let us. We dont +like it. Give me the shore, and let them that like the +Far West go there, I say. + +This place is as fartile as Illanoy or Ohio, as healthy +as any part of the Globe, and right along side of the +salt water; but the folks want three things--INDUSTRY, +ENTERPRISE, ECONOMY; these Blue Noses don't know how to +valy this location--only look at it, and see what a place +for bisness it is--the centre of the Province--the nateral +capital of the Basin of Minas, and part of the Bay of +Fundy--the great thoroughfare to St. John, Canada, and +the United States--the exports of lime, gypsum, freestone +and grindstone--the dykes--but it's no use talkin; I wish +we had it, that's all. Our folks are like a rock maple +tree--stick 'em in any where, but eend up and top down, +and they will take root and grow; but put 'em in a real +good soil like this, and give 'em a fair chance, and they +will go ahead and thrive right off, most amazin fast, +that's a fact. Yes, if we had it we would make another +guess place of it from what it is. IN ONE YEAR WE WOULD +HAVE A RAIL ROAD TO HALIFAX, WHICH, UNLIKE THE STONE THAT +KILLED TWO BIRDS, WOULD BE THE MAKIN OF BOTH PLACES. I +often tell the folks this, but all they can say is, oh +we are too poor and too young. Says I, you put me in +mind of a great long legged, long tailed colt, father +had. He never changed his name of colt as long as he +lived, and he was as old as the hills; and though he had +the best of feed, was as thin as a whippin post. He was +colt all his days--always young--always poor; and young +and poor you'll be, I guess to the eend of the chapter. + +On our return to the Inn the weather, which had been +threatening for some time past, became very tempestuous. +It rained for three successive days and the roads were +almost impassible. To continue my journey was wholly out +of the question. I determined therefore, to take a seat +in the coach for Halifax, and defer until next year the +remaining part of my tour. Mr. Slick agreed to meet me +here in June, and to provide for me the same conveyance +I had used from Amherst. I look forward with much pleasure +to our meeting again. His manner and idiom were to me +perfectly new and very amusing; while his good sound +sense, searching observation, and queer humor, rendered +his conversation at once valuable and interesting. There +are many subjects on which I should like to draw him out; +and I promise myself a fund of amusement in his remarks +on the state of society and manners at Halifax, and the +machinery of the local government, on both of which he +appears to entertain many original and some very just +opinions. + +As he took leave of me in the coach, he whispered, "Inside +of your great big cloak you will find wrapped up a box, +containin a thousand real genuine first chop Havanahs--no +mistake--the clear thing. When you smoke 'em think +sometimes of your old companion, SAM SLICK THE CLOCKMAKER." + + + + +THE END. + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Clockmaker, by Thomas Chandler Haliburton + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CLOCKMAKER *** + +This file should be named 5817.txt or 5817.zip + +This etext was produced by Gardner Buchanan with help from +Charles Franks and Distributed Proofers. + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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