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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Tramp Abroad, by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: A Tramp Abroad
+       Part 4
+
+Author: Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
+
+Release Date: March 1994 [EBook #5785]
+Posting Date: June 3, 2009
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A TRAMP ABROAD ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Anonymous Volunteers, John Greenman and David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+
+A TRAMP ABROAD, Part 4.
+
+By Mark Twain
+
+(Samuel L. Clemens)
+
+First published in 1880
+
+Illustrations taken from an 1880 First Edition
+
+ * * * * * *
+
+
+
+ILLUSTRATIONS:
+
+
+     1.    PORTRAIT OF THE AUTHOR
+     2.    TITIAN'S MOSES
+     3.    THE AUTHOR'S MEMORIES
+     119.  BLACK FOREST GRANDEE
+     120.  THE GRANDEE'S DAUGHTER
+     121.  RICH OLD HUSS
+     122.  GRETCHEN
+     123.  PAUL HOCH
+     124.  HANS SCHMIDT
+     125.  ELECTING A NEW MEMBER
+     126.  OVERCOMING OBSTACLES
+     127.  FRIENDS
+     128.  PROSPECTING
+     129.  TAIL PIECE
+     130.  A GENERAL HOWL
+     131.  SEEKING A SITUATION
+     132.  STANDING GUARD
+     133.  RESULT OF A JOKE
+     134.  DESCENDING A FARM
+     155.  A GERMAN SABBATH
+     136.  AN OBJECT OF SYMPATHY
+     137.  A NON-CLASSICAL STYLE
+     138.  THE TRADITIONAL CHAMOIS
+     139.  HUNTING CHAMOIS THE TRUE WAY
+     140.  CHAMOIS HUNTER AS REPORTED
+     141.  MARKING ALPENSTOCKS
+     142.  IS SHE EIGHTEEN OR TWENTY
+     143.  I KNEW I WASN'T MISTAKEN
+     144.  HARRIS ASTONISHED
+     145.  TAIL PIECE
+     146.  THE LION OF LUCERNE
+     147.  HE LIKED CLOCKS
+     148.  "I WILL TELL YOU"
+     149.  COULDN'T WAIT
+     150.  DIDN'T CARE FOR STYLE
+     151.  A PAIR BETTER THAN FOUR
+     152.  TWO WASN'T NECESSARY
+     153.  JUST THE TRICK
+     154.  GOING TO MAKE THEM STARE
+     155.  NOT THROWN AWAY
+     156.  WHAT THE DOCTOR RECOMMENDED
+     157.  WANTED TO FEEL SAFE
+     158.  PREFERRED TO TRAMP ON FOOT
+     159.  DERN A DOG, ANYWAY
+     160.  TAIL PIECE
+     161.  THE GLACIER GARDEN
+     162.  LAKE AND MOUNTAINS (MONT PILATUS)
+     163.  MOUNTAIN PATHS
+     164.  "YOU'RE AN AMERICAN--SO AM I"
+     165.  ENTERPRISE
+     166.  THE CONSTANT SEARCHER
+     167.  THE MOUNTAIN BOY
+     168.  THE ENGLISHMAN
+     169.  THE JODLER
+     170.  ANOTHER VOCALIST
+     171.  THE FELSENTHOR
+     172.  A VIEW FROM THE STATION
+     173.  LOST IN THE MIST
+     174.  THE RIGI-KULM HOTEL
+     175.  WHAT AWAKENED US
+     176.  A SUMMIT SUNRISE
+     177.  TAIL PIECE
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS:
+
+
+CHAPTER XXII The Black Forest--A Grandee and his Family--The Wealthy
+Nabob--A New Standard of Wealth--Skeleton for a New Novel--Trying
+Situation--The Common Council--Choosing a New Member Studying Natural
+History--The Ant a Fraud--Eccentricities of the Ant--His Deceit and
+Ignorance--A German Dish--Boiled Oranges
+
+CHAPTER XXIII Off for a Day's Tramp--Tramping and Talking--Story
+Telling--Dentistry in Camp--Nicodemus Dodge--Seeking a Situation--A
+Butt for Jokes--Jimmy Finn's Skeleton--Descending a Farm--Unexpected
+Notoriety
+
+CHAPTER XXIV Sunday on the Continent--A Day of Rest--An Incident
+at Church--An Object of Sympathy--Royalty at Church--Public Grounds
+Concert--Power and Grades of Music--Hiring a Courier
+
+CHAPTER XXV Lucerne--Beauty of its Lake--The Wild Chamois--A Great
+Error Exposed--Methods of Hunting the Chamois--Beauties of Lucerne--The
+Alpenstock--Marking Alpenstocks--Guessing at Nationalities--An American
+Party--An Unexpected Acquaintance--Getting Mixed Up--Following Blind
+Trails--A Happy Half--hour--Defeat and Revenge
+
+CHAPTER XXVI Commerce of Lucerne--Benefits of Martyrdom--A Bit of
+History--The Home of Cuckoo Clocks--A Satisfactory Revenge--The Alan
+Who Put Up at Gadsby's--A Forgotten Story--Wanted to be Postmaster--A
+Tennessean at Washington--He Concluded to Stay A While--Application of
+the Story
+
+CHAPTER XXVII The Glacier Garden--Excursion on the Lake--Life on the
+Mountains--A Specimen Tourist--"Where're you From?"--An Advertising
+Dodge--A Righteous Verdict--The Guide-book Student--I Believe that's All
+
+CHAPTER XXVIII The Rigi-Kulm--Its Ascent--Stripping for Business--A
+Mountain Lad--An English Tourist--Railroad up the Mountain--Villages and
+Mountain--The Jodlers--About Ice Water--The Felsenthor--Too Late--Lost
+in the Fog--The Rigi-Kulm Hotel--The Alpine Horn--Sunrise at Night
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXII
+
+[The Black Forest and Its Treasures]
+
+
+From Baden-Baden we made the customary trip into the Black Forest. We
+were on foot most of the time. One cannot describe those noble woods,
+nor the feeling with which they inspire him. A feature of the feeling,
+however, is a deep sense of contentment; another feature of it is a
+buoyant, boyish gladness; and a third and very conspicuous feature of
+it is one's sense of the remoteness of the work-day world and his entire
+emancipation from it and its affairs.
+
+Those woods stretch unbroken over a vast region; and everywhere they are
+such dense woods, and so still, and so piney and fragrant. The stems of
+the trees are trim and straight, and in many places all the ground is
+hidden for miles under a thick cushion of moss of a vivid green color,
+with not a decayed or ragged spot in its surface, and not a fallen leaf
+or twig to mar its immaculate tidiness. A rich cathedral gloom pervades
+the pillared aisles; so the stray flecks of sunlight that strike a trunk
+here and a bough yonder are strongly accented, and when they strike the
+moss they fairly seem to burn. But the weirdest effect, and the most
+enchanting is that produced by the diffused light of the low afternoon
+sun; no single ray is able to pierce its way in, then, but the diffused
+light takes color from moss and foliage, and pervades the place like
+a faint, green-tinted mist, the theatrical fire of fairyland. The
+suggestion of mystery and the supernatural which haunts the forest at
+all times is intensified by this unearthly glow.
+
+We found the Black Forest farmhouses and villages all that the Black
+Forest stories have pictured them. The first genuine specimen which
+we came upon was the mansion of a rich farmer and member of the Common
+Council of the parish or district. He was an important personage in the
+land and so was his wife also, of course.
+
+
+
+His daughter was the "catch" of the region, and she may be already
+entering into immortality as the heroine of one of Auerbach's novels,
+for all I know. We shall see, for if he puts her in I shall recognize
+her by her Black Forest clothes, and her burned complexion, her plump
+figure, her fat hands, her dull expression, her gentle spirit,
+her generous feet, her bonnetless head, and the plaited tails of
+hemp-colored hair hanging down her back.
+
+
+
+The house was big enough for a hotel; it was a hundred feet long and
+fifty wide, and ten feet high, from ground to eaves; but from the eaves
+to the comb of the mighty roof was as much as forty feet, or maybe even
+more. This roof was of ancient mud-colored straw thatch a foot thick,
+and was covered all over, except in a few trifling spots, with a
+thriving and luxurious growth of green vegetation, mainly moss. The
+mossless spots were places where repairs had been made by the insertion
+of bright new masses of yellow straw. The eaves projected far down, like
+sheltering, hospitable wings. Across the gable that fronted the road,
+and about ten feet above the ground, ran a narrow porch, with a wooden
+railing; a row of small windows filled with very small panes looked upon
+the porch. Above were two or three other little windows, one clear up
+under the sharp apex of the roof. Before the ground-floor door was a
+huge pile of manure. The door of the second-story room on the side of
+the house was open, and occupied by the rear elevation of a cow. Was
+this probably the drawing-room? All of the front half of the house from
+the ground up seemed to be occupied by the people, the cows, and the
+chickens, and all the rear half by draught-animals and hay. But the
+chief feature, all around this house, was the big heaps of manure.
+
+We became very familiar with the fertilizer in the Forest. We fell
+unconsciously into the habit of judging of a man's station in life
+by this outward and eloquent sign. Sometimes we said, "Here is a poor
+devil, this is manifest." When we saw a stately accumulation, we said,
+"Here is a banker." When we encountered a country-seat surrounded by an
+Alpine pomp of manure, we said, "Doubtless a duke lives here."
+
+The importance of this feature has not been properly magnified in the
+Black Forest stories. Manure is evidently the Black-Forester's main
+treasure--his coin, his jewel, his pride, his Old Master, his ceramics,
+his bric-a-brac, his darling, his title to public consideration, envy,
+veneration, and his first solicitude when he gets ready to make his
+will. The true Black Forest novel, if it is ever written, will be
+skeletoned somewhat in this way:
+
+SKELETON FOR A BLACK FOREST NOVEL
+
+Rich old farmer, named Huss.
+
+
+
+Has inherited great wealth of manure, and by diligence has added to it.
+It is double-starred in Baedeker. [1] The Black forest artist paints
+it--his masterpiece. The king comes to see it. Gretchen Huss,
+daughter and heiress. Paul Hoch, young neighbor, suitor for Gretchen's
+hand--ostensibly; he really wants the manure.
+
+
+
+Hoch has a good many cart-loads of the Black Forest currency himself,
+and therefore is a good catch; but he is sordid, mean, and without
+sentiment, whereas Gretchen is all sentiment and poetry. Hans Schmidt,
+young neighbor, full of sentiment, full of poetry, loves Gretchen,
+Gretchen loves him. But he has no manure. Old Huss forbids him in the
+house. His heart breaks, he goes away to die in the woods, far from the
+cruel world--for he says, bitterly, "What is man, without manure?"
+
+1. When Baedeker's guide-books mention a thing and put two stars (**)
+after it, it means well worth visiting. M.T.
+
+[Interval of six months.]
+
+
+
+Paul Hoch comes to old Huss and says, "I am at last as rich as you
+required--come and view the pile." Old Huss views it and says, "It is
+sufficient--take her and be happy,"--meaning Gretchen.
+
+[Interval of two weeks.]
+
+Wedding party assembled in old Huss's drawing-room. Hoch placid and
+content, Gretchen weeping over her hard fate. Enter old Huss's head
+bookkeeper. Huss says fiercely, "I gave you three weeks to find out why
+your books don't balance, and to prove that you are not a defaulter;
+the time is up--find me the missing property or you go to prison as
+a thief." Bookkeeper: "I have found it." "Where?" Bookkeeper
+(sternly--tragically): "In the bridegroom's pile!--behold the thief--see
+him blench and tremble!" [Sensation.] Paul Hoch: "Lost, lost!"--falls
+over the cow in a swoon and is handcuffed. Gretchen: "Saved!" Falls over
+the calf in a swoon of joy, but is caught in the arms of Hans Schmidt,
+who springs in at that moment. Old Huss: "What, you here, varlet? Unhand
+the maid and quit the place." Hans (still supporting the insensible
+girl): "Never! Cruel old man, know that I come with claims which even
+you cannot despise."
+
+
+
+Huss: "What, YOU? name them."
+
+Hans: "Listen then. The world has forsaken me, I forsook the world, I
+wandered in the solitude of the forest, longing for death but finding
+none. I fed upon roots, and in my bitterness I dug for the bitterest,
+loathing the sweeter kind. Digging, three days agone, I struck a manure
+mine!--a Golconda, a limitless Bonanza, of solid manure! I can buy you
+ALL, and have mountain ranges of manure left! Ha-ha, NOW thou smilest a
+smile!" [Immense sensation.] Exhibition of specimens from the mine. Old
+Huss (enthusiastically): "Wake her up, shake her up, noble young man,
+she is yours!" Wedding takes place on the spot; bookkeeper restored to
+his office and emoluments; Paul Hoch led off to jail. The Bonanza king
+of the Black Forest lives to a good old age, blessed with the love of
+his wife and of his twenty-seven children, and the still sweeter envy of
+everybody around.
+
+We took our noon meal of fried trout one day at the Plow Inn, in a very
+pretty village (Ottenhoefen), and then went into the public room to rest
+and smoke. There we found nine or ten Black Forest grandees assembled
+around a table. They were the Common Council of the parish. They had
+gathered there at eight o'clock that morning to elect a new member, and
+they had now been drinking beer four hours at the new member's expense.
+
+
+
+They were men of fifty or sixty years of age, with grave good-natured
+faces, and were all dressed in the costume made familiar to us by the
+Black Forest stories; broad, round-topped black felt hats with the brims
+curled up all round; long red waistcoats with large metal buttons, black
+alpaca coats with the waists up between the shoulders. There were no
+speeches, there was but little talk, there were no frivolities; the
+Council filled themselves gradually, steadily, but surely, with beer,
+and conducted themselves with sedate decorum, as became men of position,
+men of influence, men of manure.
+
+We had a hot afternoon tramp up the valley, along the grassy bank of a
+rushing stream of clear water, past farmhouses, water-mills, and no end
+of wayside crucifixes and saints and Virgins. These crucifixes, etc.,
+are set up in memory of departed friends, by survivors, and are almost
+as frequent as telegraph-poles are in other lands.
+
+We followed the carriage-road, and had our usual luck; we traveled under
+a beating sun, and always saw the shade leave the shady places before we
+could get to them. In all our wanderings we seldom managed to strike
+a piece of road at its time for being shady. We had a particularly hot
+time of it on that particular afternoon, and with no comfort but what we
+could get out of the fact that the peasants at work away up on the steep
+mountainsides above our heads were even worse off than we were. By and
+by it became impossible to endure the intolerable glare and heat
+any longer; so we struck across the ravine and entered the deep cool
+twilight of the forest, to hunt for what the guide-book called the "old
+road."
+
+We found an old road, and it proved eventually to be the right one,
+though we followed it at the time with the conviction that it was the
+wrong one. If it was the wrong one there could be no use in hurrying;
+therefore we did not hurry, but sat down frequently on the soft moss and
+enjoyed the restful quiet and shade of the forest solitudes. There
+had been distractions in the carriage-road--school-children, peasants,
+wagons, troops of pedestrianizing students from all over Germany--but we
+had the old road to ourselves.
+
+Now and then, while we rested, we watched the laborious ant at his work.
+I found nothing new in him--certainly nothing to change my opinion of
+him. It seems to me that in the matter of intellect the ant must be a
+strangely overrated bird. During many summers, now, I have watched him,
+when I ought to have been in better business, and I have not yet come
+across a living ant that seemed to have any more sense than a dead one.
+I refer to the ordinary ant, of course; I have had no experience of
+those wonderful Swiss and African ones which vote, keep drilled armies,
+hold slaves, and dispute about religion. Those particular ants may be
+all that the naturalist paints them, but I am persuaded that the
+average ant is a sham. I admit his industry, of course; he is the
+hardest-working creature in the world--when anybody is looking--but
+his leather-headedness is the point I make against him. He goes out
+foraging, he makes a capture, and then what does he do? Go home? No--he
+goes anywhere but home. He doesn't know where home is. His home may be
+only three feet away--no matter, he can't find it. He makes his capture,
+as I have said; it is generally something which can be of no sort of
+use to himself or anybody else; it is usually seven times bigger than
+it ought to be; he hunts out the awkwardest place to take hold of it;
+he lifts it bodily up in the air by main force, and starts; not toward
+home, but in the opposite direction; not calmly and wisely, but with a
+frantic haste which is wasteful of his strength; he fetches up against
+a pebble, and instead of going around it, he climbs over it backward
+dragging his booty after him, tumbles down on the other side, jumps up
+in a passion, kicks the dust off his clothes, moistens his hands, grabs
+his property viciously, yanks it this way, then that, shoves it ahead
+of him a moment, turns tail and lugs it after him another moment,
+gets madder and madder, then presently hoists it into the air and goes
+tearing away in an entirely new direction; comes to a weed; it never
+occurs to him to go around it; no, he must climb it; and he does climb
+it, dragging his worthless property to the top--which is as bright
+a thing to do as it would be for me to carry a sack of flour from
+Heidelberg to Paris by way of Strasburg steeple; when he gets up there
+he finds that that is not the place; takes a cursory glance at the
+scenery and either climbs down again or tumbles down, and starts off
+once more--as usual, in a new direction. At the end of half an hour, he
+fetches up within six inches of the place he started from and lays his
+burden down; meantime he has been over all the ground for two yards
+around, and climbed all the weeds and pebbles he came across. Now he
+wipes the sweat from his brow, strokes his limbs, and then marches
+aimlessly off, in as violently a hurry as ever. He does not remember to
+have ever seen it before; he looks around to see which is not the way
+home, grabs his bundle and starts; he goes through the same adventures
+he had before; finally stops to rest, and a friend comes along.
+Evidently the friend remarks that a last year's grasshopper leg is a
+very noble acquisition, and inquires where he got it.
+
+
+
+Evidently the proprietor does not remember exactly where he did get
+it, but thinks he got it "around here somewhere." Evidently the friend
+contracts to help him freight it home. Then, with a judgment peculiarly
+antic (pun not intended), they take hold of opposite ends of that
+grasshopper leg and begin to tug with all their might in opposite
+directions. Presently they take a rest and confer together. They decide
+that something is wrong, they can't make out what. Then they go at
+it again, just as before. Same result. Mutual recriminations follow.
+Evidently each accuses the other of being an obstructionist. They lock
+themselves together and chew each other's jaws for a while; then they
+roll and tumble on the ground till one loses a horn or a leg and has to
+haul off for repairs. They make up and go to work again in the same old
+insane way, but the crippled ant is at a disadvantage; tug as he may,
+the other one drags off the booty and him at the end of it. Instead
+of giving up, he hangs on, and gets his shins bruised against every
+obstruction that comes in the way. By and by, when that grasshopper leg
+has been dragged all over the same old ground once more, it is finally
+dumped at about the spot where it originally lay, the two perspiring
+ants inspect it thoughtfully and decide that dried grasshopper legs
+are a poor sort of property after all, and then each starts off in a
+different direction to see if he can't find an old nail or something
+else that is heavy enough to afford entertainment and at the same time
+valueless enough to make an ant want to own it.
+
+There in the Black Forest, on the mountainside, I saw an ant go through
+with such a performance as this with a dead spider of fully ten times
+his own weight. The spider was not quite dead, but too far gone to
+resist. He had a round body the size of a pea. The little ant--observing
+that I was noticing--turned him on his back, sunk his fangs into his
+throat, lifted him into the air and started vigorously off with him,
+stumbling over little pebbles, stepping on the spider's legs and
+tripping himself up, dragging him backward, shoving him bodily ahead,
+dragging him up stones six inches high instead of going around them,
+climbing weeds twenty times his own height and jumping from their
+summits--and finally leaving him in the middle of the road to be
+confiscated by any other fool of an ant that wanted him. I measured the
+ground which this ass traversed, and arrived at the conclusion that what
+he had accomplished inside of twenty minutes would constitute some
+such job as this--relatively speaking--for a man; to wit: to strap two
+eight-hundred-pound horses together, carry them eighteen hundred feet,
+mainly over (not around) boulders averaging six feet high, and in the
+course of the journey climb up and jump from the top of one precipice
+like Niagara, and three steeples, each a hundred and twenty feet high;
+and then put the horses down, in an exposed place, without anybody to
+watch them, and go off to indulge in some other idiotic miracle for
+vanity's sake.
+
+
+
+Science has recently discovered that the ant does not lay up anything
+for winter use. This will knock him out of literature, to some extent.
+He does not work, except when people are looking, and only then when the
+observer has a green, naturalistic look, and seems to be taking notes.
+This amounts to deception, and will injure him for the Sunday-schools.
+He has not judgment enough to know what is good to eat from what isn't.
+This amounts to ignorance, and will impair the world's respect for
+him. He cannot stroll around a stump and find his way home again. This
+amounts to idiocy, and once the damaging fact is established, thoughtful
+people will cease to look up to him, the sentimental will cease to
+fondle him. His vaunted industry is but a vanity and of no effect, since
+he never gets home with anything he starts with. This disposes of the
+last remnant of his reputation and wholly destroys his main usefulness
+as a moral agent, since it will make the sluggard hesitate to go to him
+any more. It is strange, beyond comprehension, that so manifest a humbug
+as the ant has been able to fool so many nations and keep it up so many
+ages without being found out.
+
+The ant is strong, but we saw another strong thing, where we had not
+suspected the presence of much muscular power before. A toadstool--that
+vegetable which springs to full growth in a single night--had torn loose
+and lifted a matted mass of pine needles and dirt of twice its own bulk
+into the air, and supported it there, like a column supporting a shed.
+Ten thousand toadstools, with the right purchase, could lift a man, I
+suppose. But what good would it do?
+
+All our afternoon's progress had been uphill. About five or half past we
+reached the summit, and all of a sudden the dense curtain of the forest
+parted and we looked down into a deep and beautiful gorge and out over a
+wide panorama of wooded mountains with their summits shining in the sun
+and their glade-furrowed sides dimmed with purple shade. The gorge under
+our feet--called Allerheiligen--afforded room in the grassy level at its
+head for a cozy and delightful human nest, shut away from the world and
+its botherations, and consequently the monks of the old times had not
+failed to spy it out; and here were the brown and comely ruins of their
+church and convent to prove that priests had as fine an instinct seven
+hundred years ago in ferreting out the choicest nooks and corners in a
+land as priests have today.
+
+A big hotel crowds the ruins a little, now, and drives a brisk trade
+with summer tourists. We descended into the gorge and had a supper which
+would have been very satisfactory if the trout had not been boiled.
+The Germans are pretty sure to boil a trout or anything else if left to
+their own devices. This is an argument of some value in support of the
+theory that they were the original colonists of the wild islands of the
+coast of Scotland. A schooner laden with oranges was wrecked upon one
+of those islands a few years ago, and the gentle savages rendered the
+captain such willing assistance that he gave them as many oranges as
+they wanted. Next day he asked them how they liked them. They shook
+their heads and said:
+
+"Baked, they were tough; and even boiled, they warn't things for a
+hungry man to hanker after."
+
+We went down the glen after supper. It is beautiful--a mixture of sylvan
+loveliness and craggy wildness. A limpid torrent goes whistling down
+the glen, and toward the foot of it winds through a narrow cleft between
+lofty precipices and hurls itself over a succession of falls. After one
+passes the last of these he has a backward glimpse at the falls which
+is very pleasing--they rise in a seven-stepped stairway of foamy and
+glittering cascades, and make a picture which is as charming as it is
+unusual.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIII
+
+[Nicodemus Dodge and the Skeleton]
+
+
+We were satisfied that we could walk to Oppenau in one day, now that
+we were in practice; so we set out the next morning after breakfast
+determined to do it. It was all the way downhill, and we had the
+loveliest summer weather for it. So we set the pedometer and then
+stretched away on an easy, regular stride, down through the cloven
+forest, drawing in the fragrant breath of the morning in deep refreshing
+draughts, and wishing we might never have anything to do forever but
+walk to Oppenau and keep on doing it and then doing it over again.
+
+Now, the true charm of pedestrianism does not lie in the walking, or
+in the scenery, but in the talking. The walking is good to time the
+movement of the tongue by, and to keep the blood and the brain stirred
+up and active; the scenery and the woodsy smells are good to bear in
+upon a man an unconscious and unobtrusive charm and solace to eye and
+soul and sense; but the supreme pleasure comes from the talk. It is no
+matter whether one talks wisdom or nonsense, the case is the same, the
+bulk of the enjoyment lies in the wagging of the gladsome jaw and the
+flapping of the sympathetic ear.
+
+And what motley variety of subjects a couple of people will casually
+rake over in the course of a day's tramp! There being no constraint,
+a change of subject is always in order, and so a body is not likely to
+keep pegging at a single topic until it grows tiresome. We discussed
+everything we knew, during the first fifteen or twenty minutes, that
+morning, and then branched out into the glad, free, boundless realm of
+the things we were not certain about.
+
+Harris said that if the best writer in the world once got the slovenly
+habit of doubling up his "haves" he could never get rid of it while he
+lived. That is to say, if a man gets the habit of saying "I should
+have liked to have known more about it" instead of saying simply and
+sensibly, "I should have liked to know more about it," that man's
+disease is incurable. Harris said that his sort of lapse is to be found
+in every copy of every newspaper that has ever been printed in English,
+and in almost all of our books. He said he had observed it in Kirkham's
+grammar and in Macaulay. Harris believed that milk-teeth are commoner in
+men's mouths than those "doubled-up haves."
+
+I do not know that there have not been moments in the course of the
+present session when I should have been very glad to have accepted the
+proposal of my noble friend, and to have exchanged parts in some of our
+evenings of work.--[From a Speech of the English Chancellor of the
+Exchequer, August, 1879.]
+
+That changed the subject to dentistry. I said I believed the average
+man dreaded tooth-pulling more than amputation, and that he would yell
+quicker under the former operation than he would under the latter. The
+philosopher Harris said that the average man would not yell in either
+case if he had an audience. Then he continued:
+
+"When our brigade first went into camp on the Potomac, we used to be
+brought up standing, occasionally, by an ear-splitting howl of anguish.
+That meant that a soldier was getting a tooth pulled in a tent. But the
+surgeons soon changed that; they instituted open-air dentistry. There
+never was a howl afterward--that is, from the man who was having the
+tooth pulled. At the daily dental hour there would always be about five
+hundred soldiers gathered together in the neighborhood of that dental
+chair waiting to see the performance--and help; and the moment the
+surgeon took a grip on the candidate's tooth and began to lift, every
+one of those five hundred rascals would clap his hand to his jaw and
+begin to hop around on one leg and howl with all the lungs he had!
+It was enough to raise your hair to hear that variegated and enormous
+unanimous caterwaul burst out!
+
+
+
+With so big and so derisive an audience as that, a sufferer wouldn't
+emit a sound though you pulled his head off. The surgeons said that
+pretty often a patient was compelled to laugh, in the midst of his
+pangs, but that they had never caught one crying out, after the open-air
+exhibition was instituted."
+
+Dental surgeons suggested doctors, doctors suggested death, death
+suggested skeletons--and so, by a logical process the conversation
+melted out of one of these subjects and into the next, until the topic
+of skeletons raised up Nicodemus Dodge out of the deep grave in my
+memory where he had lain buried and forgotten for twenty-five years.
+When I was a boy in a printing-office in Missouri, a loose-jointed,
+long-legged, tow-headed, jeans-clad countrified cub of about sixteen
+lounged in one day, and without removing his hands from the depths of
+his trousers pockets or taking off his faded ruin of a slouch hat, whose
+broken rim hung limp and ragged about his eyes and ears like a bug-eaten
+cabbage leaf, stared indifferently around, then leaned his hip against
+the editor's table, crossed his mighty brogans, aimed at a distant
+fly from a crevice in his upper teeth, laid him low, and said with
+composure:
+
+"Whar's the boss?"
+
+"I am the boss," said the editor, following this curious bit of
+architecture wonderingly along up to its clock-face with his eye.
+
+"Don't want anybody fur to learn the business, 'tain't likely?"
+
+"Well, I don't know. Would you like to learn it?"
+
+
+
+"Pap's so po' he cain't run me no mo', so I want to git a show somers if
+I kin, 'taint no diffunce what--I'm strong and hearty, and I don't turn
+my back on no kind of work, hard nur soft."
+
+"Do you think you would like to learn the printing business?"
+
+"Well, I don't re'ly k'yer a durn what I DO learn, so's I git a chance
+fur to make my way. I'd jist as soon learn print'n's anything."
+
+"Can you read?"
+
+"Yes--middlin'."
+
+"Write?"
+
+"Well, I've seed people could lay over me thar."
+
+"Cipher?"
+
+"Not good enough to keep store, I don't reckon, but up as fur as
+twelve-times-twelve I ain't no slouch. 'Tother side of that is what gits
+me."
+
+"Where is your home?"
+
+"I'm f'm old Shelby."
+
+"What's your father's religious denomination?"
+
+"Him? Oh, he's a blacksmith."
+
+"No, no--I don't mean his trade. What's his RELIGIOUS DENOMINATION?"
+
+"OH--I didn't understand you befo'. He's a Freemason."
+
+"No, no, you don't get my meaning yet. What I mean is, does he belong to
+any CHURCH?"
+
+"NOW you're talkin'! Couldn't make out what you was a-tryin' to git
+through yo' head no way. B'long to a CHURCH! Why, boss, he's ben the
+pizenest kind of Free-will Babtis' for forty year. They ain't no pizener
+ones 'n what HE is. Mighty good man, pap is. Everybody says that. If
+they said any diffrunt they wouldn't say it whar I wuz--not MUCH they
+wouldn't."
+
+"What is your own religion?"
+
+"Well, boss, you've kind o' got me, there--and yit you hain't got me so
+mighty much, nuther. I think 't if a feller he'ps another feller when
+he's in trouble, and don't cuss, and don't do no mean things, nur
+noth'n' he ain' no business to do, and don't spell the Saviour's name
+with a little g, he ain't runnin' no resks--he's about as saift as he
+b'longed to a church."
+
+"But suppose he did spell it with a little g--what then?"
+
+"Well, if he done it a-purpose, I reckon he wouldn't stand no chance--he
+OUGHTN'T to have no chance, anyway, I'm most rotten certain 'bout that."
+
+"What is your name?"
+
+"Nicodemus Dodge."
+
+"I think maybe you'll do, Nicodemus. We'll give you a trial, anyway."
+
+"All right."
+
+"When would you like to begin?"
+
+"Now."
+
+So, within ten minutes after we had first glimpsed this nondescript he
+was one of us, and with his coat off and hard at it.
+
+Beyond that end of our establishment which was furthest from the street,
+was a deserted garden, pathless, and thickly grown with the bloomy and
+villainous "jimpson" weed and its common friend the stately sunflower.
+In the midst of this mournful spot was a decayed and aged little "frame"
+house with but one room, one window, and no ceiling--it had been a
+smoke-house a generation before. Nicodemus was given this lonely and
+ghostly den as a bedchamber.
+
+The village smarties recognized a treasure in Nicodemus, right away--a
+butt to play jokes on. It was easy to see that he was inconceivably
+green and confiding. George Jones had the glory of perpetrating the
+first joke on him; he gave him a cigar with a firecracker in it and
+winked to the crowd to come; the thing exploded presently and swept away
+the bulk of Nicodemus's eyebrows and eyelashes. He simply said:
+
+"I consider them kind of seeg'yars dangersome,"--and seemed to suspect
+nothing. The next evening Nicodemus waylaid George and poured a bucket
+of ice-water over him.
+
+One day, while Nicodemus was in swimming, Tom McElroy "tied" his
+clothes. Nicodemus made a bonfire of Tom's by way of retaliation.
+
+A third joke was played upon Nicodemus a day or two later--he walked
+up the middle aisle of the village church, Sunday night, with a staring
+handbill pinned between his shoulders. The joker spent the remainder
+of the night, after church, in the cellar of a deserted house, and
+Nicodemus sat on the cellar door till toward breakfast-time to make
+sure that the prisoner remembered that if any noise was made, some rough
+treatment would be the consequence. The cellar had two feet of stagnant
+water in it, and was bottomed with six inches of soft mud.
+
+
+
+But I wander from the point. It was the subject of skeletons that
+brought this boy back to my recollection. Before a very long time
+had elapsed, the village smarties began to feel an uncomfortable
+consciousness of not having made a very shining success out of their
+attempts on the simpleton from "old Shelby." Experimenters grew scarce
+and chary. Now the young doctor came to the rescue. There was delight
+and applause when he proposed to scare Nicodemus to death, and explained
+how he was going to do it. He had a noble new skeleton--the skeleton of
+the late and only local celebrity, Jimmy Finn, the village drunkard--a
+grisly piece of property which he had bought of Jimmy Finn himself, at
+auction, for fifty dollars, under great competition, when Jimmy lay very
+sick in the tan-yard a fortnight before his death. The fifty dollars had
+gone promptly for whiskey and had considerably hurried up the change of
+ownership in the skeleton. The doctor would put Jimmy Finn's skeleton in
+Nicodemus's bed!
+
+This was done--about half past ten in the evening. About Nicodemus's
+usual bedtime--midnight--the village jokers came creeping stealthily
+through the jimpson weeds and sunflowers toward the lonely frame den.
+They reached the window and peeped in. There sat the long-legged pauper,
+on his bed, in a very short shirt, and nothing more; he was dangling
+his legs contentedly back and forth, and wheezing the music of "Camptown
+Races" out of a paper-overlaid comb which he was pressing against his
+mouth; by him lay a new jewsharp, a new top, and solid india-rubber
+ball, a handful of painted marbles, five pounds of "store" candy, and
+a well-gnawed slab of gingerbread as big and as thick as a volume of
+sheet-music. He had sold the skeleton to a traveling quack for three
+dollars and was enjoying the result!
+
+
+
+Just as we had finished talking about skeletons and were drifting into
+the subject of fossils, Harris and I heard a shout, and glanced up the
+steep hillside. We saw men and women standing away up there looking
+frightened, and there was a bulky object tumbling and floundering down
+the steep slope toward us. We got out of the way, and when the object
+landed in the road it proved to be a boy. He had tripped and fallen, and
+there was nothing for him to do but trust to luck and take what might
+come.
+
+When one starts to roll down a place like that, there is no stopping
+till the bottom is reached. Think of people FARMING on a slant which is
+so steep that the best you can say of it--if you want to be fastidiously
+accurate--is, that it is a little steeper than a ladder and not quite
+so steep as a mansard roof. But that is what they do. Some of the little
+farms on the hillside opposite Heidelberg were stood up "edgeways."
+The boy was wonderfully jolted up, and his head was bleeding, from cuts
+which it had got from small stones on the way.
+
+
+
+Harris and I gathered him up and set him on a stone, and by that time
+the men and women had scampered down and brought his cap.
+
+Men, women, and children flocked out from neighboring cottages
+and joined the crowd; the pale boy was petted, and stared at, and
+commiserated, and water was brought for him to drink and bathe his
+bruises in. And such another clatter of tongues! All who had seen the
+catastrophe were describing it at once, and each trying to talk louder
+than his neighbor; and one youth of a superior genius ran a little way
+up the hill, called attention, tripped, fell, rolled down among us, and
+thus triumphantly showed exactly how the thing had been done.
+
+Harris and I were included in all the descriptions; how we were coming
+along; how Hans Gross shouted; how we looked up startled; how we saw
+Peter coming like a cannon-shot; how judiciously we got out of the way,
+and let him come; and with what presence of mind we picked him up and
+brushed him off and set him on a rock when the performance was over.
+We were as much heroes as anybody else, except Peter, and were so
+recognized; we were taken with Peter and the populace to Peter's
+mother's cottage, and there we ate bread and cheese, and drank milk and
+beer with everybody, and had a most sociable good time; and when we left
+we had a handshake all around, and were receiving and shouting back LEB'
+WOHL's until a turn in the road separated us from our cordial and kindly
+new friends forever.
+
+We accomplished our undertaking. At half past eight in the evening
+we stepped into Oppenau, just eleven hours and a half out of
+Allerheiligen--one hundred and forty-six miles. This is the distance by
+pedometer; the guide-book and the Imperial Ordinance maps make it only
+ten and a quarter--a surprising blunder, for these two authorities are
+usually singularly accurate in the matter of distances.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIV
+
+[I Protect the Empress of Germany]
+
+
+That was a thoroughly satisfactory walk--and the only one we were ever
+to have which was all the way downhill. We took the train next morning
+and returned to Baden-Baden through fearful fogs of dust. Every seat was
+crowded, too; for it was Sunday, and consequently everybody was taking
+a "pleasure" excursion. Hot! the sky was an oven--and a sound one,
+too, with no cracks in it to let in any air. An odd time for a pleasure
+excursion, certainly!
+
+Sunday is the great day on the continent--the free day, the happy day.
+One can break the Sabbath in a hundred ways without committing any sin.
+
+We do not work on Sunday, because the commandment forbids it; the
+Germans do not work on Sunday, because the commandment forbids it. We
+rest on Sunday, because the commandment requires it; the Germans rest on
+Sunday because the commandment requires it. But in the definition of
+the word "rest" lies all the difference. With us, its Sunday meaning
+is, stay in the house and keep still; with the Germans its Sunday and
+week-day meanings seem to be the same--rest the TIRED PART, and never
+mind the other parts of the frame; rest the tired part, and use the
+means best calculated to rest that particular part. Thus: If one's
+duties have kept him in the house all the week, it will rest him to
+be out on Sunday; if his duties have required him to read weighty and
+serious matter all the week, it will rest him to read light matter on
+Sunday; if his occupation has busied him with death and funerals all the
+week, it will rest him to go to the theater Sunday night and put in two
+or three hours laughing at a comedy; if he is tired with digging ditches
+or felling trees all the week, it will rest him to lie quiet in the
+house on Sunday; if the hand, the arm, the brain, the tongue, or any
+other member, is fatigued with inanition, it is not to be rested by
+addeding a day's inanition; but if a member is fatigued with exertion,
+inanition is the right rest for it. Such is the way in which the Germans
+seem to define the word "rest"; that is to say, they rest a member by
+recreating, recuperating, restoring its forces. But our definition is
+less broad. We all rest alike on Sunday--by secluding ourselves and
+keeping still, whether that is the surest way to rest the most of us or
+not. The Germans make the actors, the preachers, etc., work on Sunday.
+We encourage the preachers, the editors, the printers, etc., to work on
+Sunday, and imagine that none of the sin of it falls upon us; but I do
+not know how we are going to get around the fact that if it is wrong for
+the printer to work at his trade on Sunday it must be equally wrong for
+the preacher to work at his, since the commandment has made no exception
+in his favor. We buy Monday morning's paper and read it, and thus
+encourage Sunday printing. But I shall never do it again.
+
+
+
+The Germans remember the Sabbath-day to keep it holy, by abstaining
+from work, as commanded; we keep it holy by abstaining from work, as
+commanded, and by also abstaining from play, which is not commanded.
+Perhaps we constructively BREAK the command to rest, because the resting
+we do is in most cases only a name, and not a fact.
+
+These reasonings have sufficed, in a measure, to mend the rent in my
+conscience which I made by traveling to Baden-Baden that Sunday. We
+arrived in time to furbish up and get to the English church before
+services began. We arrived in considerable style, too, for the landlord
+had ordered the first carriage that could be found, since there was no
+time to lose, and our coachman was so splendidly liveried that we were
+probably mistaken for a brace of stray dukes; why else were we honored
+with a pew all to ourselves, away up among the very elect at the left of
+the chancel? That was my first thought. In the pew directly in front of
+us sat an elderly lady, plainly and cheaply dressed; at her side sat
+a young lady with a very sweet face, and she also was quite simply
+dressed; but around us and about us were clothes and jewels which it
+would do anybody's heart good to worship in.
+
+I thought it was pretty manifest that the elderly lady was embarrassed
+at finding herself in such a conspicuous place arrayed in such cheap
+apparel; I began to feel sorry for her and troubled about her. She
+tried to seem very busy with her prayer-book and her responses, and
+unconscious that she was out of place, but I said to myself, "She is
+not succeeding--there is a distressed tremulousness in her voice which
+betrays increasing embarrassment." Presently the Savior's name was
+mentioned, and in her flurry she lost her head completely, and rose and
+courtesied, instead of making a slight nod as everybody else did. The
+sympathetic blood surged to my temples and I turned and gave those fine
+birds what I intended to be a beseeching look, but my feelings got the
+better of me and changed it into a look which said, "If any of you pets
+of fortune laugh at this poor soul, you will deserve to be flayed for
+it." Things went from bad to worse, and I shortly found myself mentally
+taking the unfriended lady under my protection. My mind was wholly upon
+her. I forgot all about the sermon. Her embarrassment took stronger
+and stronger hold upon her; she got to snapping the lid of her
+smelling-bottle--it made a loud, sharp sound, but in her trouble she
+snapped and snapped away, unconscious of what she was doing. The last
+extremity was reached when the collection-plate began its rounds; the
+moderate people threw in pennies, the nobles and the rich contributed
+silver, but she laid a twenty-mark gold piece upon the book-rest before
+her with a sounding slap! I said to myself, "She has parted with all her
+little hoard to buy the consideration of these unpitying people--it is a
+sorrowful spectacle." I did not venture to look around this time; but
+as the service closed, I said to myself, "Let them laugh, it is their
+opportunity; but at the door of this church they shall see her step into
+our fine carriage with us, and our gaudy coachman shall drive her home."
+
+
+
+Then she rose--and all the congregation stood while she walked down the
+aisle. She was the Empress of Germany!
+
+No--she had not been so much embarrassed as I had supposed. My
+imagination had got started on the wrong scent, and that is always
+hopeless; one is sure, then, to go straight on misinterpreting
+everything, clear through to the end. The young lady with her imperial
+Majesty was a maid of honor--and I had been taking her for one of her
+boarders, all the time.
+
+This is the only time I have ever had an Empress under my personal
+protection; and considering my inexperience, I wonder I got through
+with it so well. I should have been a little embarrassed myself if I had
+known earlier what sort of a contract I had on my hands.
+
+We found that the Empress had been in Baden-Baden several days. It is
+said that she never attends any but the English form of church service.
+
+I lay abed and read and rested from my journey's fatigues the remainder
+of that Sunday, but I sent my agent to represent me at the afternoon
+service, for I never allow anything to interfere with my habit of
+attending church twice every Sunday.
+
+There was a vast crowd in the public grounds that night to hear the band
+play the "Fremersberg." This piece tells one of the old legends of the
+region; how a great noble of the Middle Ages got lost in the mountains,
+and wandered about with his dogs in a violent storm, until at last
+the faint tones of a monastery bell, calling the monks to a midnight
+service, caught his ear, and he followed the direction the sounds came
+from and was saved. A beautiful air ran through the music, without
+ceasing, sometimes loud and strong, sometimes so soft that it could
+hardly be distinguished--but it was always there; it swung grandly along
+through the shrill whistling of the storm-wind, the rattling patter of
+the rain, and the boom and crash of the thunder; it wound soft and low
+through the lesser sounds, the distant ones, such as the throbbing
+of the convent bell, the melodious winding of the hunter's horn, the
+distressed bayings of his dogs, and the solemn chanting of the monks;
+it rose again, with a jubilant ring, and mingled itself with the country
+songs and dances of the peasants assembled in the convent hall to
+cheer up the rescued huntsman while he ate his supper. The instruments
+imitated all these sounds with a marvelous exactness. More than one man
+started to raise his umbrella when the storm burst forth and the sheets
+of mimic rain came driving by; it was hardly possible to keep from
+putting your hand to your hat when the fierce wind began to rage and
+shriek; and it was NOT possible to refrain from starting when those
+sudden and charmingly real thunder-crashes were let loose.
+
+
+
+I suppose the "Fremersberg" is a very low-grade music; I know, indeed,
+that it MUST be low-grade music, because it delighted me, warmed me,
+moved me, stirred me, uplifted me, enraptured me, that I was full of
+cry all the time, and mad with enthusiasm. My soul had never had such a
+scouring out since I was born. The solemn and majestic chanting of the
+monks was not done by instruments, but by men's voices; and it rose
+and fell, and rose again in that rich confusion of warring sounds, and
+pulsing bells, and the stately swing of that ever-present enchanting
+air, and it seemed to me that nothing but the very lowest of low-grade
+music COULD be so divinely beautiful. The great crowd which the
+"Fremersberg" had called out was another evidence that it was low-grade
+music; for only the few are educated up to a point where high-grade
+music gives pleasure. I have never heard enough classic music to be able
+to enjoy it. I dislike the opera because I want to love it and can't.
+
+I suppose there are two kinds of music--one kind which one feels, just
+as an oyster might, and another sort which requires a higher faculty,
+a faculty which must be assisted and developed by teaching. Yet if base
+music gives certain of us wings, why should we want any other? But we
+do. We want it because the higher and better like it. We want it without
+giving it the necessary time and trouble; so we climb into that upper
+tier, that dress-circle, by a lie; we PRETEND we like it. I know several
+of that sort of people--and I propose to be one of them myself when I
+get home with my fine European education.
+
+And then there is painting. What a red rag is to a bull, Turner's "Slave
+Ship" was to me, before I studied art. Mr. Ruskin is educated in art
+up to a point where that picture throws him into as mad an ecstasy of
+pleasure as it used to throw me into one of rage, last year, when I was
+ignorant. His cultivation enables him--and me, now--to see water in that
+glaring yellow mud, and natural effects in those lurid explosions
+of mixed smoke and flame, and crimson sunset glories; it reconciles
+him--and me, now--to the floating of iron cable-chains and other
+unfloatable things; it reconciles us to fishes swimming around on top
+of the mud--I mean the water. The most of the picture is a manifest
+impossibility--that is to say, a lie; and only rigid cultivation can
+enable a man to find truth in a lie. But it enabled Mr. Ruskin to do
+it, and it has enabled me to do it, and I am thankful for it. A Boston
+newspaper reporter went and took a look at the Slave Ship floundering
+about in that fierce conflagration of reds and yellows, and said it
+reminded him of a tortoise-shell cat having a fit in a platter
+of tomatoes. In my then uneducated state, that went home to my
+non-cultivation, and I thought here is a man with an unobstructed eye.
+Mr. Ruskin would have said: This person is an ass. That is what I would
+say, now.
+
+Months after this was written, I happened into the National Gallery in
+London, and soon became so fascinated with the Turner pictures that I
+could hardly get away from the place. I went there often, afterward,
+meaning to see the rest of the gallery, but the Turner spell was too
+strong; it could not be shaken off. However, the Turners which attracted
+me most did not remind me of the Slave Ship.
+
+However, our business in Baden-Baden this time, was to join our courier.
+I had thought it best to hire one, as we should be in Italy, by and by,
+and we did not know the language. Neither did he. We found him at the
+hotel, ready to take charge of us. I asked him if he was "all fixed." He
+said he was. That was very true. He had a trunk, two small satchels,
+and an umbrella. I was to pay him fifty-five dollars a month and railway
+fares. On the continent the railway fare on a trunk is about the same
+it is on a man. Couriers do not have to pay any board and lodging. This
+seems a great saving to the tourist--at first. It does not occur to the
+tourist that SOMEBODY pays that man's board and lodging. It occurs to
+him by and by, however, in one of his lucid moments.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXV
+
+[Hunted by the Little Chamois]
+
+
+
+Next morning we left in the train for Switzerland, and reached Lucerne
+about ten o'clock at night. The first discovery I made was that the
+beauty of the lake had not been exaggerated. Within a day or two I made
+another discovery. This was, that the lauded chamois is not a wild goat;
+that it is not a horned animal; that it is not shy; that it does not
+avoid human society; and that there is no peril in hunting it.
+
+
+
+The chamois is a black or brown creature no bigger than a mustard seed;
+you do not have to go after it, it comes after you; it arrives in vast
+herds and skips and scampers all over your body, inside your clothes;
+thus it is not shy, but extremely sociable; it is not afraid of man, on
+the contrary, it will attack him; its bite is not dangerous, but neither
+is it pleasant; its activity has not been overstated --if you try to put
+your finger on it, it will skip a thousand times its own length at one
+jump, and no eye is sharp enough to see where it lights. A great deal
+of romantic nonsense has been written about the Swiss chamois and the
+perils of hunting it, whereas the truth is that even women and children
+hunt it, and fearlessly; indeed, everybody hunts it; the hunting is
+going on all the time, day and night, in bed and out of it. It is poetic
+foolishness to hunt it with a gun; very few people do that; there is
+not one man in a million who can hit it with a gun. It is much easier to
+catch it than it is to shoot it, and only the experienced chamois-hunter
+can do either. Another common piece of exaggeration is that about the
+"scarcity" of the chamois. It is the reverse of scarce. Droves of one
+hundred million chamois are not unusual in the Swiss hotels. Indeed,
+they are so numerous as to be a great pest. The romancers always dress
+up the chamois-hunter in a fanciful and picturesque costume, whereas the
+best way to hunt this game is to do it without any costume at all.
+
+
+
+The article of commerce called chamois-skin is another fraud; nobody
+could skin a chamois, it is too small. The creature is a humbug in
+every way, and everything which has been written about it is sentimental
+exaggeration. It was no pleasure to me to find the chamois out, for he
+had been one of my pet illusions; all my life it had been my dream to
+see him in his native wilds some day, and engage in the adventurous
+sport of chasing him from cliff to cliff. It is no pleasure to me to
+expose him, now, and destroy the reader's delight in him and respect for
+him, but still it must be done, for when an honest writer discovers an
+imposition it is his simple duty to strip it bare and hurl it down from
+its place of honor, no matter who suffers by it; any other course would
+render him unworthy of the public confidence.
+
+Lucerne is a charming place. It begins at the water's edge, with a
+fringe of hotels, and scrambles up and spreads itself over two or three
+sharp hills in a crowded, disorderly, but picturesque way, offering
+to the eye a heaped-up confusion of red roofs, quaint gables, dormer
+windows, toothpick steeples, with here and there a bit of ancient
+embattled wall bending itself over the ridges, worm-fashion, and here
+and there an old square tower of heavy masonry. And also here and there
+a town clock with only one hand--a hand which stretches across the dial
+and has no joint in it; such a clock helps out the picture, but you
+cannot tell the time of day by it. Between the curving line of hotels
+and the lake is a broad avenue with lamps and a double rank of low shade
+trees. The lake-front is walled with masonry like a pier, and has
+a railing, to keep people from walking overboard. All day long the
+vehicles dash along the avenue, and nurses, children, and tourists sit
+in the shade of the trees, or lean on the railing and watch the schools
+of fishes darting about in the clear water, or gaze out over the lake
+at the stately border of snow-hooded mountain peaks. Little pleasure
+steamers, black with people, are coming and going all the time; and
+everywhere one sees young girls and young men paddling about in fanciful
+rowboats, or skimming along by the help of sails when there is any wind.
+The front rooms of the hotels have little railed balconies, where one
+may take his private luncheon in calm, cool comfort and look down upon
+this busy and pretty scene and enjoy it without having to do any of the
+work connected with it.
+
+Most of the people, both male and female, are in walking costume, and
+carry alpenstocks. Evidently, it is not considered safe to go about in
+Switzerland, even in town, without an alpenstock. If the tourist forgets
+and comes down to breakfast without his alpenstock he goes back and gets
+it, and stands it up in the corner. When his touring in Switzerland is
+finished, he does not throw that broomstick away, but lugs it home
+with him, to the far corners of the earth, although this costs him
+more trouble and bother than a baby or a courier could. You see, the
+alpenstock is his trophy; his name is burned upon it; and if he has
+climbed a hill, or jumped a brook, or traversed a brickyard with it, he
+has the names of those places burned upon it, too.
+
+
+
+Thus it is his regimental flag, so to speak, and bears the record of his
+achievements. It is worth three francs when he buys it, but a bonanza
+could not purchase it after his great deeds have been inscribed upon it.
+There are artisans all about Switzerland whose trade it is to burn
+these things upon the alpenstock of the tourist. And observe, a man is
+respected in Switzerland according to his alpenstock. I found I could
+get no attention there, while I carried an unbranded one. However,
+branding is not expected, so I soon remedied that. The effect upon
+the next detachment of tourists was very marked. I felt repaid for my
+trouble.
+
+Half of the summer horde in Switzerland is made up of English people;
+the other half is made up of many nationalities, the Germans leading and
+the Americans coming next. The Americans were not as numerous as I had
+expected they would be.
+
+The seven-thirty table d'hôte at the great Schweitzerhof furnished
+a mighty array and variety of nationalities, but it offered a better
+opportunity to observe costumes than people, for the multitude sat
+at immensely long tables, and therefore the faces were mainly seen in
+perspective; but the breakfasts were served at small round tables,
+and then if one had the fortune to get a table in the midst of the
+assemblage he could have as many faces to study as he could desire.
+We used to try to guess out the nationalities, and generally succeeded
+tolerably well. Sometimes we tried to guess people's names; but that
+was a failure; that is a thing which probably requires a good deal of
+practice. We presently dropped it and gave our efforts to less difficult
+particulars. One morning I said:
+
+"There is an American party."
+
+Harris said:
+
+"Yes--but name the state."
+
+I named one state, Harris named another. We agreed upon one thing,
+however--that the young girl with the party was very beautiful, and
+very tastefully dressed. But we disagreed as to her age. I said she was
+eighteen, Harris said she was twenty. The dispute between us waxed warm,
+and I finally said, with a pretense of being in earnest:
+
+"Well, there is one way to settle the matter--I will go and ask her."
+
+
+
+Harris said, sarcastically, "Certainly, that is the thing to do. All you
+need to do is to use the common formula over here: go and say, 'I'm an
+American!' Of course she will be glad to see you."
+
+Then he hinted that perhaps there was no great danger of my venturing to
+speak to her.
+
+I said, "I was only talking--I didn't intend to approach her, but I see
+that you do not know what an intrepid person I am. I am not afraid of
+any woman that walks. I will go and speak to this young girl."
+
+The thing I had in my mind was not difficult. I meant to address her
+in the most respectful way and ask her to pardon me if her strong
+resemblance to a former acquaintance of mine was deceiving me; and when
+she should reply that the name I mentioned was not the name she bore, I
+meant to beg pardon again, most respectfully, and retire. There would be
+no harm done. I walked to her table, bowed to the gentleman, then turned
+to her and was about to begin my little speech when she exclaimed:
+
+"I KNEW I wasn't mistaken--I told John it was you! John said it probably
+wasn't, but I knew I was right. I said you would recognize me presently
+and come over; and I'm glad you did, for I shouldn't have felt much
+flattered if you had gone out of this room without recognizing me.
+Sit down, sit down--how odd it is--you are the last person I was ever
+expecting to see again."
+
+
+
+This was a stupefying surprise. It took my wits clear away, for an
+instant. However, we shook hands cordially all around, and I sat down.
+But truly this was the tightest place I ever was in. I seemed to vaguely
+remember the girl's face, now, but I had no idea where I had seen it
+before, or what name belonged with it. I immediately tried to get up a
+diversion about Swiss scenery, to keep her from launching into topics
+that might betray that I did not know her, but it was of no use, she
+went right along upon matters which interested her more:
+
+"Oh dear, what a night that was, when the sea washed the forward boats
+away--do you remember it?"
+
+"Oh, DON'T I!" said I--but I didn't. I wished the sea had washed the
+rudder and the smoke-stack and the captain away--then I could have
+located this questioner.
+
+"And don't you remember how frightened poor Mary was, and how she
+cried?"
+
+"Indeed I do!" said I. "Dear me, how it all comes back!"
+
+I fervently wished it WOULD come back--but my memory was a blank. The
+wise way would have been to frankly own up; but I could not bring myself
+to do that, after the young girl had praised me so for recognizing her;
+so I went on, deeper and deeper into the mire, hoping for a chance clue
+but never getting one. The Unrecognizable continued, with vivacity:
+
+"Do you know, George married Mary, after all?"
+
+"Why, no! Did he?"
+
+"Indeed he did. He said he did not believe she was half as much to blame
+as her father was, and I thought he was right. Didn't you?"
+
+"Of course he was. It was a perfectly plain case. I always said so."
+
+"Why, no you didn't!--at least that summer."
+
+"Oh, no, not that summer. No, you are perfectly right about that. It was
+the following winter that I said it."
+
+"Well, as it turned out, Mary was not in the least to blame --it was all
+her father's fault--at least his and old Darley's."
+
+It was necessary to say something--so I said:
+
+"I always regarded Darley as a troublesome old thing."
+
+"So he was, but then they always had a great affection for him, although
+he had so many eccentricities. You remember that when the weather was
+the least cold, he would try to come into the house."
+
+I was rather afraid to proceed. Evidently Darley was not a man--he
+must be some other kind of animal--possibly a dog, maybe an elephant.
+However, tails are common to all animals, so I ventured to say:
+
+"And what a tail he had!"
+
+"ONE! He had a thousand!"
+
+This was bewildering. I did not quite know what to say, so I only said:
+
+"Yes, he WAS rather well fixed in the matter of tails."
+
+"For a negro, and a crazy one at that, I should say he was," said she.
+
+It was getting pretty sultry for me. I said to myself, "Is it possible
+she is going to stop there, and wait for me to speak? If she does, the
+conversation is blocked. A negro with a thousand tails is a topic which
+a person cannot talk upon fluently and instructively without more or
+less preparation. As to diving rashly into such a vast subject--"
+
+But here, to my gratitude, she interrupted my thoughts by saying:
+
+"Yes, when it came to tales of his crazy woes, there was simply no
+end to them if anybody would listen. His own quarters were comfortable
+enough, but when the weather was cold, the family were sure to have his
+company--nothing could keep him out of the house. But they always bore
+it kindly because he had saved Tom's life, years before. You remember
+Tom?
+
+"Oh, perfectly. Fine fellow he was, too."
+
+"Yes he was. And what a pretty little thing his child was!"
+
+"You may well say that. I never saw a prettier child."
+
+"I used to delight to pet it and dandle it and play with it."
+
+"So did I."
+
+"You named it. What WAS that name? I can't call it to mind."
+
+It appeared to me that the ice was getting pretty thin, here. I would
+have given something to know what the child's was. However, I had the
+good luck to think of a name that would fit either sex--so I brought it
+out:
+
+"I named it Frances."
+
+"From a relative, I suppose? But you named the one that died, too--one
+that I never saw. What did you call that one?"
+
+I was out of neutral names, but as the child was dead and she had
+never seen it, I thought I might risk a name for it and trust to luck.
+Therefore I said:
+
+"I called that one Thomas Henry."
+
+She said, musingly:
+
+"That is very singular ... very singular."
+
+I sat still and let the cold sweat run down. I was in a good deal of
+trouble, but I believed I could worry through if she wouldn't ask me
+to name any more children. I wondered where the lightning was going to
+strike next. She was still ruminating over that last child's title, but
+presently she said:
+
+"I have always been sorry you were away at the time--I would have had
+you name my child."
+
+"YOUR child! Are you married?"
+
+"I have been married thirteen years."
+
+"Christened, you mean."
+
+`"No, married. The youth by your side is my son."
+
+"It seems incredible--even impossible. I do not mean any harm by it, but
+would you mind telling me if you are any over eighteen?--that is to say,
+will you tell me how old you are?"
+
+"I was just nineteen the day of the storm we were talking about. That
+was my birthday."
+
+That did not help matters, much, as I did not know the date of the
+storm. I tried to think of some non-committal thing to say, to keep up
+my end of the talk, and render my poverty in the matter of reminiscences
+as little noticeable as possible, but I seemed to be about out of
+non-committal things. I was about to say, "You haven't changed a bit
+since then"--but that was risky. I thought of saying, "You have improved
+ever so much since then"--but that wouldn't answer, of course. I was
+about to try a shy at the weather, for a saving change, when the girl
+slipped in ahead of me and said:
+
+"How I have enjoyed this talk over those happy old times--haven't you?"
+
+"I never have spent such a half-hour in all my life before!" said I,
+with emotion; and I could have added, with a near approach to truth,
+"and I would rather be scalped than spend another one like it." I was
+holily grateful to be through with the ordeal, and was about to make my
+good-bys and get out, when the girl said:
+
+"But there is one thing that is ever so puzzling to me."
+
+"Why, what is that?"
+
+"That dead child's name. What did you say it was?"
+
+Here was another balmy place to be in: I had forgotten the child's name;
+I hadn't imagined it would be needed again. However, I had to pretend to
+know, anyway, so I said:
+
+"Joseph William."
+
+The youth at my side corrected me, and said:
+
+"No, Thomas Henry."
+
+I thanked him--in words--and said, with trepidation:
+
+"O yes--I was thinking of another child that I named--I have named
+a great many, and I get them confused--this one was named Henry
+Thompson--"
+
+"Thomas Henry," calmly interposed the boy.
+
+I thanked him again--strictly in words--and stammered out:
+
+"Thomas Henry--yes, Thomas Henry was the poor child's name. I named
+him for Thomas--er--Thomas Carlyle, the great author, you know--and
+Henry--er--er--Henry the Eighth. The parents were very grateful to have
+a child named Thomas Henry."
+
+"That makes it more singular than ever," murmured my beautiful friend.
+
+"Does it? Why?"
+
+"Because when the parents speak of that child now, they always call it
+Susan Amelia."
+
+That spiked my gun. I could not say anything. I was entirely out of
+verbal obliquities; to go further would be to lie, and that I would not
+do; so I simply sat still and suffered--sat mutely and resignedly there,
+and sizzled--for I was being slowly fried to death in my own blushes.
+Presently the enemy laughed a happy laugh and said:
+
+"I HAVE enjoyed this talk over old times, but you have not. I saw very
+soon that you were only pretending to know me, and so as I had wasted a
+compliment on you in the beginning, I made up my mind to punish you. And
+I have succeeded pretty well. I was glad to see that you knew George and
+Tom and Darley, for I had never heard of them before and therefore could
+not be sure that you had; and I was glad to learn the names of those
+imaginary children, too. One can get quite a fund of information out
+of you if one goes at it cleverly. Mary and the storm, and the sweeping
+away of the forward boats, were facts--all the rest was fiction. Mary
+was my sister; her full name was Mary ------. NOW do you remember me?"
+
+"Yes," I said, "I do remember you now; and you are as hard-headed as you
+were thirteen years ago in that ship, else you wouldn't have punished me
+so. You haven't changed your nature nor your person, in any way at all;
+you look as young as you did then, you are just as beautiful as you were
+then, and you have transmitted a deal of your comeliness to this fine
+boy. There--if that speech moves you any, let's fly the flag of truce,
+with the understanding that I am conquered and confess it."
+
+All of which was agreed to and accomplished, on the spot. When I went
+back to Harris, I said:
+
+"Now you see what a person with talent and address can do."
+
+"Excuse me, I see what a person of colossal ignorance and simplicity can
+do. The idea of your going and intruding on a party of strangers, that
+way, and talking for half an hour; why I never heard of a man in his
+right mind doing such a thing before. What did you say to them?"
+
+
+
+"I never said any harm. I merely asked the girl what her name was."
+
+"I don't doubt it. Upon my word I don't. I think you were capable of it.
+It was stupid in me to let you go over there and make such an exhibition
+of yourself. But you know I couldn't really believe you would do such an
+inexcusable thing. What will those people think of us? But how did you
+say it?--I mean the manner of it. I hope you were not abrupt."
+
+"No, I was careful about that. I said, 'My friend and I would like to
+know what your name is, if you don't mind.'"
+
+"No, that was not abrupt. There is a polish about it that does you
+infinite credit. And I am glad you put me in; that was a delicate
+attention which I appreciate at its full value. What did she do?"
+
+"She didn't do anything in particular. She told me her name."
+
+"Simply told you her name. Do you mean to say she did not show any
+surprise?"
+
+"Well, now I come to think, she did show something; maybe it was
+surprise; I hadn't thought of that--I took it for gratification."
+
+"Oh, undoubtedly you were right; it must have been gratification; it
+could not be otherwise than gratifying to be assaulted by a stranger
+with such a question as that. Then what did you do?"
+
+"I offered my hand and the party gave me a shake."
+
+"I saw it! I did not believe my own eyes, at the time. Did the gentleman
+say anything about cutting your throat?"
+
+"No, they all seemed glad to see me, as far as I could judge."
+
+"And do you know, I believe they were. I think they said to themselves,
+'Doubtless this curiosity has got away from his keeper--let us amuse
+ourselves with him.' There is no other way of accounting for their
+facile docility. You sat down. Did they ASK you to sit down?"
+
+"No, they did not ask me, but I suppose they did not think of it."
+
+"You have an unerring instinct. What else did you do? What did you talk
+about?"
+
+"Well, I asked the girl how old she was."
+
+"UNdoubtedly. Your delicacy is beyond praise. Go on, go on--don't mind
+my apparent misery--I always look so when I am steeped in a profound and
+reverent joy. Go on--she told you her age?"
+
+"Yes, she told me her age, and all about her mother, and her
+grandmother, and her other relations, and all about herself."
+
+"Did she volunteer these statistics?"
+
+"No, not exactly that. I asked the questions and she answered them."
+
+"This is divine. Go on--it is not possible that you forgot to inquire
+into her politics?"
+
+"No, I thought of that. She is a democrat, her husband is a republican,
+and both of them are Baptists."
+
+"Her husband? Is that child married?"
+
+"She is not a child. She is married, and that is her husband who is
+there with her."
+
+"Has she any children."
+
+"Yes--seven and a half."
+
+"That is impossible."
+
+"No, she has them. She told me herself."
+
+"Well, but seven and a HALF? How do you make out the half? Where does
+the half come in?"
+
+"There is a child which she had by another husband--not this one
+but another one--so it is a stepchild, and they do not count in full
+measure."
+
+"Another husband? Has she another husband?"
+
+"Yes, four. This one is number four."
+
+"I don't believe a word of it. It is impossible, upon its face. Is that
+boy there her brother?"
+
+"No, that is her son. He is her youngest. He is not as old as he looked;
+he is only eleven and a half."
+
+"These things are all manifestly impossible. This is a wretched
+business. It is a plain case: they simply took your measure, and
+concluded to fill you up. They seem to have succeeded. I am glad I am
+not in the mess; they may at least be charitable enough to think there
+ain't a pair of us. Are they going to stay here long?"
+
+"No, they leave before noon."
+
+"There is one man who is deeply grateful for that. How did you find out?
+You asked, I suppose?"
+
+"No, along at first I inquired into their plans, in a general way, and
+they said they were going to be here a week, and make trips round about;
+but toward the end of the interview, when I said you and I would tour
+around with them with pleasure, and offered to bring you over and
+introduce you, they hesitated a little, and asked if you were from the
+same establishment that I was. I said you were, and then they said they
+had changed their mind and considered it necessary to start at once and
+visit a sick relative in Siberia."
+
+"Ah, me, you struck the summit! You struck the loftiest altitude of
+stupidity that human effort has ever reached. You shall have a monument
+of jackasses' skulls as high as the Strasburg spire if you die before
+I do. They wanted to know I was from the same 'establishment' that you
+hailed from, did they? What did they mean by 'establishment'?"
+
+"I don't know; it never occurred to me to ask."
+
+"Well I know. They meant an asylum--an IDIOT asylum, do you understand?
+So they DO think there's a pair of us, after all. Now what do you think
+of yourself?"
+
+"Well, I don't know. I didn't know I was doing any harm; I didn't MEAN
+to do any harm. They were very nice people, and they seemed to like me."
+
+Harris made some rude remarks and left for his bedroom--to break some
+furniture, he said. He was a singularly irascible man; any little thing
+would disturb his temper.
+
+I had been well scorched by the young woman, but no matter, I took it
+out on Harris. One should always "get even" in some way, else the sore
+place will go on hurting.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVI
+
+[The Nest of the Cuckoo-clock]
+
+
+The Hofkirche is celebrated for its organ concerts. All summer long the
+tourists flock to that church about six o'clock in the evening, and pay
+their franc, and listen to the noise. They don't stay to hear all of
+it, but get up and tramp out over the sounding stone floor, meeting late
+comers who tramp in in a sounding and vigorous way. This tramping
+back and forth is kept up nearly all the time, and is accented by
+the continuous slamming of the door, and the coughing and barking and
+sneezing of the crowd. Meantime, the big organ is booming and crashing
+and thundering away, doing its best to prove that it is the biggest and
+best organ in Europe, and that a tight little box of a church is the
+most favorable place to average and appreciate its powers in. It is
+true, there were some soft and merciful passages occasionally, but the
+tramp-tramp of the tourists only allowed one to get fitful glimpses of
+them, so to speak. Then right away the organist would let go another
+avalanche.
+
+The commerce of Lucerne consists mainly in gimcrackery of the souvenir
+sort; the shops are packed with Alpine crystals, photographs of
+scenery, and wooden and ivory carvings. I will not conceal the fact that
+miniature figures of the Lion of Lucerne are to be had in them. Millions
+of them. But they are libels upon him, every one of them. There is a
+subtle something about the majestic pathos of the original which the
+copyist cannot get. Even the sun fails to get it; both the photographer
+and the carver give you a dying lion, and that is all. The shape is
+right, the attitude is right, the proportions are right, but that
+indescribable something which makes the Lion of Lucerne the most
+mournful and moving piece of stone in the world, is wanting.
+
+The Lion lies in his lair in the perpendicular face of a low cliff--for
+he is carved from the living rock of the cliff. His size is colossal,
+his attitude is noble. His head is bowed, the broken spear is sticking
+in his shoulder, his protecting paw rests upon the lilies of France.
+Vines hang down the cliff and wave in the wind, and a clear stream
+trickles from above and empties into a pond at the base, and in the
+smooth surface of the pond the lion is mirrored, among the water-lilies.
+
+
+
+Around about are green trees and grass. The place is a sheltered,
+reposeful woodland nook, remote from noise and stir and confusion--and
+all this is fitting, for lions do die in such places, and not on granite
+pedestals in public squares fenced with fancy iron railings. The Lion of
+Lucerne would be impressive anywhere, but nowhere so impressive as where
+he is.
+
+Martyrdom is the luckiest fate that can befall some people. Louis XVI
+did not die in his bed, consequently history is very gentle with him;
+she is charitable toward his failings, and she finds in him high virtues
+which are not usually considered to be virtues when they are lodged in
+kings. She makes him out to be a person with a meek and modest spirit,
+the heart of a female saint, and a wrong head. None of these qualities
+are kingly but the last. Taken together they make a character which
+would have fared harshly at the hands of history if its owner had had
+the ill luck to miss martyrdom. With the best intentions to do the right
+thing, he always managed to do the wrong one. Moreover, nothing could
+get the female saint out of him. He knew, well enough, that in national
+emergencies he must not consider how he ought to act, as a man, but how
+he ought to act as a king; so he honestly tried to sink the man and be
+the king--but it was a failure, he only succeeded in being the female
+saint. He was not instant in season, but out of season. He could not be
+persuaded to do a thing while it could do any good--he was iron, he was
+adamant in his stubbornness then--but as soon as the thing had reached a
+point where it would be positively harmful to do it, do it he would, and
+nothing could stop him. He did not do it because it would be harmful,
+but because he hoped it was not yet too late to achieve by it the good
+which it would have done if applied earlier. His comprehension was
+always a train or two behindhand. If a national toe required amputating,
+he could not see that it needed anything more than poulticing; when
+others saw that the mortification had reached the knee, he first
+perceived that the toe needed cutting off--so he cut it off; and he
+severed the leg at the knee when others saw that the disease had reached
+the thigh. He was good, and honest, and well meaning, in the matter of
+chasing national diseases, but he never could overtake one. As a private
+man, he would have been lovable; but viewed as a king, he was strictly
+contemptible.
+
+His was a most unroyal career, but the most pitiable spectacle in it was
+his sentimental treachery to his Swiss guard on that memorable 10th of
+August, when he allowed those heroes to be massacred in his cause, and
+forbade them to shed the "sacred French blood" purporting to be flowing
+in the veins of the red-capped mob of miscreants that was raging around
+the palace. He meant to be kingly, but he was only the female saint once
+more. Some of his biographers think that upon this occasion the spirit
+of Saint Louis had descended upon him. It must have found pretty cramped
+quarters. If Napoleon the First had stood in the shoes of Louis XVI that
+day, instead of being merely a casual and unknown looker-on, there would
+be no Lion of Lucerne, now, but there would be a well-stocked Communist
+graveyard in Paris which would answer just as well to remember the 10th
+of August by.
+
+Martyrdom made a saint of Mary Queen of Scots three hundred years ago,
+and she has hardly lost all of her saintship yet. Martyrdom made a saint
+of the trivial and foolish Marie Antoinette, and her biographers
+still keep her fragrant with the odor of sanctity to this day, while
+unconsciously proving upon almost every page they write that the only
+calamitous instinct which her husband lacked, she supplied--the instinct
+to root out and get rid of an honest, able, and loyal official, wherever
+she found him. The hideous but beneficent French Revolution would have
+been deferred, or would have fallen short of completeness, or even
+might not have happened at all, if Marie Antoinette had made the unwise
+mistake of not being born. The world owes a great deal to the French
+Revolution, and consequently to its two chief promoters, Louis the Poor
+in Spirit and his queen.
+
+We did not buy any wooden images of the Lion, nor any ivory or ebony
+or marble or chalk or sugar or chocolate ones, or even any photographic
+slanders of him. The truth is, these copies were so common, so
+universal, in the shops and everywhere, that they presently became as
+intolerable to the wearied eye as the latest popular melody usually
+becomes to the harassed ear. In Lucerne, too, the wood carvings of
+other sorts, which had been so pleasant to look upon when one saw them
+occasionally at home, soon began to fatigue us. We grew very tired
+of seeing wooden quails and chickens picking and strutting around
+clock-faces, and still more tired of seeing wooden images of the alleged
+chamois skipping about wooden rocks, or lying upon them in family
+groups, or peering alertly up from behind them. The first day, I would
+have bought a hundred and fifty of these clocks if I had the money--and
+I did buy three--but on the third day the disease had run its course,
+I had convalesced, and was in the market once more--trying to sell.
+However, I had no luck; which was just as well, for the things will be
+pretty enough, no doubt, when I get them home.
+
+For years my pet aversion had been the cuckoo clock; now here I was, at
+last, right in the creature's home; so wherever I went that distressing
+"HOO'hoo! HOO'hoo! HOO'hoo!" was always in my ears. For a nervous man,
+this was a fine state of things. Some sounds are hatefuler than others,
+but no sound is quite so inane, and silly, and aggravating as the
+"HOO'hoo" of a cuckoo clock, I think. I bought one, and am carrying it
+home to a certain person; for I have always said that if the opportunity
+ever happened, I would do that man an ill turn.
+
+
+
+What I meant, was, that I would break one of his legs, or something of
+that sort; but in Lucerne I instantly saw that I could impair his mind.
+That would be more lasting, and more satisfactory every way. So I bought
+the cuckoo clock; and if I ever get home with it, he is "my meat," as
+they say in the mines. I thought of another candidate--a book-reviewer
+whom I could name if I wanted to--but after thinking it over, I didn't
+buy him a clock. I couldn't injure his mind.
+
+We visited the two long, covered wooden bridges which span the green and
+brilliant Reuss just below where it goes plunging and hurrahing out
+of the lake. These rambling, sway-backed tunnels are very attractive
+things, with their alcoved outlooks upon the lovely and inspiriting
+water. They contain two or three hundred queer old pictures, by old
+Swiss masters--old boss sign-painters, who flourished before the
+decadence of art.
+
+The lake is alive with fishes, plainly visible to the eye, for the water
+is very clear. The parapets in front of the hotels were usually fringed
+with fishers of all ages. One day I thought I would stop and see a
+fish caught. The result brought back to my mind, very forcibly, a
+circumstance which I had not thought of before for twelve years. This
+one:
+
+THE MAN WHO PUT UP AT GADSBY'S
+
+When my odd friend Riley and I were newspaper correspondents in
+Washington, in the winter of '67, we were coming down Pennsylvania
+Avenue one night, near midnight, in a driving storm of snow, when the
+flash of a street-lamp fell upon a man who was eagerly tearing along in
+the opposite direction. "This is lucky! You are Mr. Riley, ain't you?"
+
+Riley was the most self-possessed and solemnly deliberate person in the
+republic. He stopped, looked his man over from head to foot, and finally
+said:
+
+"I am Mr. Riley. Did you happen to be looking for me?"
+
+"That's just what I was doing," said the man, joyously, "and it's the
+biggest luck in the world that I've found you. My name is Lykins. I'm
+one of the teachers of the high school--San Francisco. As soon as I
+heard the San Francisco postmastership was vacant, I made up my mind to
+get it--and here I am."
+
+"Yes," said Riley, slowly, "as you have remarked ... Mr. Lykins ... here
+you are. And have you got it?"
+
+"Well, not exactly GOT it, but the next thing to it. I've brought a
+petition, signed by the Superintendent of Public Instruction, and all
+the teachers, and by more than two hundred other people. Now I want you,
+if you'll be so good, to go around with me to the Pacific delegation,
+for I want to rush this thing through and get along home."
+
+"If the matter is so pressing, you will prefer that we visit the
+delegation tonight," said Riley, in a voice which had nothing mocking in
+it--to an unaccustomed ear.
+
+"Oh, tonight, by all means! I haven't got any time to fool around. I
+want their promise before I go to bed--I ain't the talking kind, I'm the
+DOING kind!"
+
+"Yes ... you've come to the right place for that. When did you arrive?"
+
+"Just an hour ago."
+
+"When are you intending to leave?"
+
+"For New York tomorrow evening--for San Francisco next morning."
+
+"Just so.... What are you going to do tomorrow?"
+
+"DO! Why, I've got to go to the President with the petition and the
+delegation, and get the appointment, haven't I?"
+
+"Yes ... very true ... that is correct. And then what?"
+
+"Executive session of the Senate at 2 P.M.--got to get the appointment
+confirmed--I reckon you'll grant that?"
+
+"Yes ... yes," said Riley, meditatively, "you are right again. Then
+you take the train for New York in the evening, and the steamer for San
+Francisco next morning?"
+
+"That's it--that's the way I map it out!"
+
+Riley considered a while, and then said:
+
+"You couldn't stay ... a day ... well, say two days longer?"
+
+"Bless your soul, no! It's not my style. I ain't a man to go fooling
+around--I'm a man that DOES things, I tell you."
+
+The storm was raging, the thick snow blowing in gusts. Riley stood
+silent, apparently deep in a reverie, during a minute or more, then he
+looked up and said:
+
+"Have you ever heard about that man who put up at Gadsby's, once? ...
+But I see you haven't."
+
+He backed Mr. Lykins against an iron fence, buttonholed him, fastened
+him with his eye, like the Ancient Mariner, and proceeded to unfold
+his narrative as placidly and peacefully as if we were all stretched
+comfortably in a blossomy summer meadow instead of being persecuted by a
+wintry midnight tempest:
+
+
+
+"I will tell you about that man. It was in Jackson's time. Gadsby's was
+the principal hotel, then. Well, this man arrived from Tennessee
+about nine o'clock, one morning, with a black coachman and a splendid
+four-horse carriage and an elegant dog, which he was evidently fond
+of and proud of; he drove up before Gadsby's, and the clerk and the
+landlord and everybody rushed out to take charge of him, but he said,
+'Never mind,' and jumped out and told the coachman to wait--
+
+
+
+said he hadn't time to take anything to eat, he only had a little claim
+against the government to collect, would run across the way, to
+the Treasury, and fetch the money, and then get right along back to
+Tennessee, for he was in considerable of a hurry.
+
+"Well, about eleven o'clock that night he came back and ordered a bed
+and told them to put the horses up--said he would collect the claim in
+the morning. This was in January, you understand--January, 1834--the 3d
+of January--Wednesday.
+
+
+
+"Well, on the 5th of February, he sold the fine carriage, and bought
+a cheap second-hand one--said it would answer just as well to take the
+money home in, and he didn't care for style.
+
+"On the 11th of August he sold a pair of the fine horses--said he'd
+often thought a pair was better than four, to go over the rough mountain
+roads with where a body had to be careful about his driving--and there
+wasn't so much of his claim but he could lug the money home with a pair
+easy enough.
+
+
+
+"On the 13th of December he sold another horse--said two warn't
+necessary to drag that old light vehicle with--in fact, one could snatch
+it along faster than was absolutely necessary, now that it was good
+solid winter weather and the roads in splendid condition.
+
+
+
+"On the 17th of February, 1835, he sold the old carriage and bought a
+cheap second-hand buggy--said a buggy was just the trick to skim along
+mushy, slushy early spring roads with, and he had always wanted to try a
+buggy on those mountain roads, anyway.
+
+
+
+"On the 1st August he sold the buggy and bought the remains of an old
+sulky--said he just wanted to see those green Tennesseans stare and gawk
+when they saw him come a-ripping along in a sulky--didn't believe they'd
+ever heard of a sulky in their lives.
+
+
+
+"Well, on the 29th of August he sold his colored coachman--said he
+didn't need a coachman for a sulky--wouldn't be room enough for two in
+it anyway--and, besides, it wasn't every day that Providence sent a man
+a fool who was willing to pay nine hundred dollars for such a third-rate
+negro as that--been wanting to get rid of the creature for years, but
+didn't like to THROW him away.
+
+
+
+"Eighteen months later--that is to say, on the 15th of February,
+1837--he sold the sulky and bought a saddle--said horseback-riding was
+what the doctor had always recommended HIM to take, and dog'd if he
+wanted to risk HIS neck going over those mountain roads on wheels in the
+dead of winter, not if he knew himself.
+
+
+
+"On the 9th of April he sold the saddle--said he wasn't going to risk
+HIS life with any perishable saddle-girth that ever was made, over a
+rainy, miry April road, while he could ride bareback and know and feel
+he was safe--always HAD despised to ride on a saddle, anyway.
+
+
+
+"On the 24th of April he sold his horse--said 'I'm just fifty-seven
+today, hale and hearty--it would be a PRETTY howdy-do for me to be
+wasting such a trip as that and such weather as this, on a horse, when
+there ain't anything in the world so splendid as a tramp on foot through
+the fresh spring woods and over the cheery mountains, to a man that IS
+a man--and I can make my dog carry my claim in a little bundle, anyway,
+when it's collected. So tomorrow I'll be up bright and early, make my
+little old collection, and mosey off to Tennessee, on my own hind legs,
+with a rousing good-by to Gadsby's.'
+
+
+
+"On the 22d of June he sold his dog--said 'Dern a dog, anyway, where
+you're just starting off on a rattling bully pleasure tramp through the
+summer woods and hills--perfect nuisance--chases the squirrels, barks
+at everything, goes a-capering and splattering around in the fords--man
+can't get any chance to reflect and enjoy nature--and I'd a blamed sight
+ruther carry the claim myself, it's a mighty sight safer; a dog's
+mighty uncertain in a financial way--always noticed it--well, GOOD-by,
+boys--last call--I'm off for Tennessee with a good leg and a gay heart,
+early in the morning.'"
+
+
+
+There was a pause and a silence--except the noise of the wind and the
+pelting snow. Mr. Lykins said, impatiently:
+
+"Well?"
+
+Riley said:
+
+"Well,--that was thirty years ago."
+
+"Very well, very well--what of it?"
+
+"I'm great friends with that old patriarch. He comes every evening to
+tell me good-by. I saw him an hour ago--he's off for Tennessee early
+tomorrow morning--as usual; said he calculated to get his claim through
+and be off before night-owls like me have turned out of bed. The tears
+were in his eyes, he was so glad he was going to see his old Tennessee
+and his friends once more."
+
+Another silent pause. The stranger broke it:
+
+"Is that all?"
+
+"That is all."
+
+"Well, for the TIME of night, and the KIND of night, it seems to me the
+story was full long enough. But what's it all FOR?"
+
+"Oh, nothing in particular."
+
+"Well, where's the point of it?"
+
+"Oh, there isn't any particular point to it. Only, if you are not in
+TOO much of a hurry to rush off to San Francisco with that post-office
+appointment, Mr. Lykins, I'd advise you to 'PUT UP AT GADSBY'S' for a
+spell, and take it easy. Good-by. GOD bless you!"
+
+So saying, Riley blandly turned on his heel and left the astonished
+school-teacher standing there, a musing and motionless snow image
+shining in the broad glow of the street-lamp.
+
+He never got that post-office.
+
+To go back to Lucerne and its fishers, I concluded, after about
+nine hours' waiting, that the man who proposes to tarry till he sees
+something hook one of those well-fed and experienced fishes will find
+it wisdom to "put up at Gadsby's" and take it easy. It is likely that
+a fish has not been caught on that lake pier for forty years; but no
+matter, the patient fisher watches his cork there all the day long, just
+the same, and seems to enjoy it. One may see the fisher-loafers just as
+thick and contented and happy and patient all along the Seine at Paris,
+but tradition says that the only thing ever caught there in modern times
+is a thing they don't fish for at all--the recent dog and the translated
+cat.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVII
+
+[I Spare an Awful Bore]
+
+
+Close by the Lion of Lucerne is what they call the "Glacier Garden"--and
+it is the only one in the world. It is on high ground. Four or five
+years ago, some workmen who were digging foundations for a house came
+upon this interesting relic of a long-departed age. Scientific men
+perceived in it a confirmation of their theories concerning the glacial
+period; so through their persuasions the little tract of ground was
+bought and permanently protected against being built upon. The soil was
+removed, and there lay the rasped and guttered track which the ancient
+glacier had made as it moved along upon its slow and tedious journey.
+This track was perforated by huge pot-shaped holes in the bed-rock,
+formed by the furious washing-around in them of boulders by the
+turbulent torrent which flows beneath all glaciers. These huge round
+boulders still remain in the holes; they and the walls of the holes are
+worn smooth by the long-continued chafing which they gave each other in
+those old days.
+
+
+
+It took a mighty force to churn these big lumps of stone around in that
+vigorous way. The neighboring country had a very different shape, at
+that time--the valleys have risen up and become hills, since, and the
+hills have become valleys. The boulders discovered in the pots had
+traveled a great distance, for there is no rock like them nearer than
+the distant Rhone Glacier.
+
+For some days we were content to enjoy looking at the blue lake
+Lucerne and at the piled-up masses of snow-mountains that border it all
+around--an enticing spectacle, this last, for there is a strange and
+fascinating beauty and charm about a majestic snow-peak with the sun
+blazing upon it or the moonlight softly enriching it--but finally we
+concluded to try a bit of excursioning around on a steamboat, and a dash
+on foot at the Rigi. Very well, we had a delightful trip to Fluelen, on
+a breezy, sunny day. Everybody sat on the upper deck, on benches, under
+an awning; everybody talked, laughed, and exclaimed at the wonderful
+scenery; in truth, a trip on that lake is almost the perfection of
+pleasuring.
+
+
+
+The mountains were a never-ceasing marvel. Sometimes they rose straight
+up out of the lake, and towered aloft and overshadowed our pygmy steamer
+with their prodigious bulk in the most impressive way. Not snow-clad
+mountains, these, yet they climbed high enough toward the sky to meet
+the clouds and veil their foreheads in them. They were not barren and
+repulsive, but clothed in green, and restful and pleasant to the eye.
+And they were so almost straight-up-and-down, sometimes, that one could
+not imagine a man being able to keep his footing upon such a surface,
+yet there are paths, and the Swiss people go up and down them every day.
+
+
+
+Sometimes one of these monster precipices had the slight inclination of
+the huge ship-houses in dockyards--then high aloft, toward the sky, it
+took a little stronger inclination, like that of a mansard roof--and
+perched on this dizzy mansard one's eye detected little things like
+martin boxes, and presently perceived that these were the dwellings of
+peasants--an airy place for a home, truly. And suppose a peasant should
+walk in his sleep, or his child should fall out of the front
+yard?--the friends would have a tedious long journey down out of those
+cloud-heights before they found the remains. And yet those far-away
+homes looked ever so seductive, they were so remote from the troubled
+world, they dozed in such an atmosphere of peace and dreams--surely no
+one who has learned to live up there would ever want to live on a meaner
+level.
+
+We swept through the prettiest little curving arms of the lake, among
+these colossal green walls, enjoying new delights, always, as the
+stately panorama unfolded itself before us and rerolled and hid itself
+behind us; and now and then we had the thrilling surprise of bursting
+suddenly upon a tremendous white mass like the distant and dominating
+Jungfrau, or some kindred giant, looming head and shoulders above a
+tumbled waste of lesser Alps.
+
+Once, while I was hungrily taking in one of these surprises, and doing
+my best to get all I possibly could of it while it should last, I was
+interrupted by a young and care-free voice:
+
+"You're an American, I think--so'm I."
+
+He was about eighteen, or possibly nineteen; slender and of medium
+height; open, frank, happy face; a restless but independent eye; a snub
+nose, which had the air of drawing back with a decent reserve from
+the silky new-born mustache below it until it should be introduced; a
+loosely hung jaw, calculated to work easily in the sockets. He wore a
+low-crowned, narrow-brimmed straw hat, with a broad blue ribbon
+around it which had a white anchor embroidered on it in front; nobby
+short-tailed coat, pantaloons, vest, all trim and neat and up with the
+fashion; red-striped stockings, very low-quarter patent-leather shoes,
+tied with black ribbon; blue ribbon around his neck, wide-open collar;
+tiny diamond studs; wrinkleless kids; projecting cuffs, fastened with
+large oxidized silver sleeve-buttons, bearing the device of a dog's
+face--English pug. He carried a slim cane, surmounted with an English
+pug's head with red glass eyes. Under his arm he carried a German
+grammar--Otto's. His hair was short, straight, and smooth, and presently
+when he turned his head a moment, I saw that it was nicely parted
+behind. He took a cigarette out of a dainty box, stuck it into a
+meerschaum holder which he carried in a morocco case, and reached for my
+cigar. While he was lighting, I said:
+
+"Yes--I am an American."
+
+
+
+"I knew it--I can always tell them. What ship did you come over in?"
+
+"HOLSATIA."
+
+"We came in the BATAVIA--Cunard, you know. What kind of passage did you
+have?"
+
+"Tolerably rough."
+
+"So did we. Captain said he'd hardly ever seen it rougher. Where are you
+from?"
+
+"New England."
+
+"So'm I. I'm from New Bloomfield. Anybody with you?"
+
+"Yes--a friend."
+
+"Our whole family's along. It's awful slow, going around alone--don't
+you think so?"
+
+"Rather slow."
+
+"Ever been over here before?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"I haven't. My first trip. But we've been all around--Paris and
+everywhere. I'm to enter Harvard next year. Studying German all the
+time, now. Can't enter till I know German. I know considerable French--I
+get along pretty well in Paris, or anywhere where they speak French.
+What hotel are you stopping at?"
+
+"Schweitzerhof."
+
+"No! is that so? I never see you in the reception-room. I go to
+the reception-room a good deal of the time, because there's so many
+Americans there. I make lots of acquaintances. I know an American as
+soon as I see him--and so I speak to him and make his acquaintance. I
+like to be always making acquaintances--don't you?"
+
+"Lord, yes!"
+
+"You see it breaks up a trip like this, first rate. I never got bored on
+a trip like this, if I can make acquaintances and have somebody to
+talk to. But I think a trip like this would be an awful bore, if a body
+couldn't find anybody to get acquainted with and talk to on a trip like
+this. I'm fond of talking, ain't you?
+
+"Passionately."
+
+"Have you felt bored, on this trip?"
+
+"Not all the time, part of it."
+
+"That's it!--you see you ought to go around and get acquainted, and
+talk. That's my way. That's the way I always do--I just go 'round,
+'round, 'round and talk, talk, talk--I never get bored. You been up the
+Rigi yet?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Going?"
+
+"I think so."
+
+"What hotel you going to stop at?"
+
+"I don't know. Is there more than one?"
+
+"Three. You stop at the Schreiber--you'll find it full of Americans.
+What ship did you say you came over in?"
+
+"CITY OF ANTWERP."
+
+"German, I guess. You going to Geneva?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"What hotel you going to stop at?"
+
+"Hôtel de l'Écu de Génčve."
+
+"Don't you do it! No Americans there! You stop at one of those big
+hotels over the bridge--they're packed full of Americans."
+
+"But I want to practice my Arabic."
+
+"Good gracious, do you speak Arabic?"
+
+"Yes--well enough to get along."
+
+"Why, hang it, you won't get along in Geneva--THEY don't speak Arabic,
+they speak French. What hotel are you stopping at here?"
+
+"Hotel Pension-Beaurivage."
+
+"Sho, you ought to stop at the Schweitzerhof. Didn't you know the
+Schweitzerhof was the best hotel in Switzerland?-- look at your
+Baedeker."
+
+"Yes, I know--but I had an idea there warn't any Americans there."
+
+"No Americans! Why, bless your soul, it's just alive with them! I'm in
+the great reception-room most all the time. I make lots of acquaintances
+there. Not as many as I did at first, because now only the new ones stop
+in there--the others go right along through. Where are you from?"
+
+"Arkansaw."
+
+"Is that so? I'm from New England--New Bloomfield's my town when I'm at
+home. I'm having a mighty good time today, ain't you?"
+
+"Divine."
+
+"That's what I call it. I like this knocking around, loose and easy, and
+making acquaintances and talking. I know an American, soon as I see him;
+so I go and speak to him and make his acquaintance. I ain't ever bored,
+on a trip like this, if I can make new acquaintances and talk. I'm awful
+fond of talking when I can get hold of the right kind of a person, ain't
+you?"
+
+"I prefer it to any other dissipation."
+
+"That's my notion, too. Now some people like to take a book and sit
+down and read, and read, and read, or moon around yawping at the lake or
+these mountains and things, but that ain't my way; no, sir, if they like
+it, let 'em do it, I don't object; but as for me, talking's what I like.
+You been up the Rigi?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"What hotel did you stop at?"
+
+"Schreiber."
+
+"That's the place!--I stopped there too. FULL of Americans, WASN'T it?
+It always is--always is. That's what they say. Everybody says that. What
+ship did you come over in?"
+
+"VILLE DE PARIS."
+
+"French, I reckon. What kind of a passage did ... excuse me a minute,
+there's some Americans I haven't seen before."
+
+And away he went. He went uninjured, too--I had the murderous impulse to
+harpoon him in the back with my alpenstock, but as I raised the weapon
+the disposition left me; I found I hadn't the heart to kill him, he was
+such a joyous, innocent, good-natured numbskull.
+
+Half an hour later I was sitting on a bench inspecting, with strong
+interest, a noble monolith which we were skimming by--a monolith not
+shaped by man, but by Nature's free great hand--a massy pyramidal rock
+eighty feet high, devised by Nature ten million years ago against the
+day when a man worthy of it should need it for his monument. The time
+came at last, and now this grand remembrancer bears Schiller's name in
+huge letters upon its face. Curiously enough, this rock was not degraded
+or defiled in any way. It is said that two years ago a stranger let
+himself down from the top of it with ropes and pulleys, and painted all
+over it, in blue letters bigger than those in Schiller's name, these
+words: "Try Sozodont;" "Buy Sun Stove Polish;" "Helmbold's Buchu;" "Try
+Benzaline for the Blood." He was captured and it turned out that he was
+an American. Upon his trial the judge said to him:
+
+"You are from a land where any insolent that wants to is privileged
+to profane and insult Nature, and, through her, Nature's God, if by
+so doing he can put a sordid penny in his pocket. But here the case is
+different. Because you are a foreigner and ignorant, I will make your
+sentence light; if you were a native I would deal strenuously with
+you. Hear and obey: --You will immediately remove every trace of
+your offensive work from the Schiller monument; you pay a fine of ten
+thousand francs; you will suffer two years' imprisonment at hard labor;
+you will then be horsewhipped, tarred and feathered, deprived of your
+ears, ridden on a rail to the confines of the canton, and banished
+forever. The severest penalties are omitted in your case--not as a grace
+to you, but to that great republic which had the misfortune to give you
+birth."
+
+
+
+The steamer's benches were ranged back to back across the deck. My back
+hair was mingling innocently with the back hair of a couple of
+ladies. Presently they were addressed by some one and I overheard this
+conversation:
+
+"You are Americans, I think? So'm I."
+
+"Yes--we are Americans."
+
+"I knew it--I can always tell them. What ship did you come over in?"
+
+"CITY OF CHESTER."
+
+"Oh, yes--Inman line. We came in the BATAVIA--Cunard you know. What kind
+of a passage did you have?"
+
+"Pretty fair."
+
+"That was luck. We had it awful rough. Captain said he'd hardly seen it
+rougher. Where are you from?"
+
+"New Jersey."
+
+"So'm I. No--I didn't mean that; I'm from New England. New Bloomfield's
+my place. These your children?--belong to both of you?"
+
+"Only to one of us; they are mine; my friend is not married."
+
+"Single, I reckon? So'm I. Are you two ladies traveling alone?"
+
+"No--my husband is with us."
+
+"Our whole family's along. It's awful slow, going around alone--don't
+you think so?"
+
+"I suppose it must be."
+
+
+
+"Hi, there's Mount Pilatus coming in sight again. Named after Pontius
+Pilate, you know, that shot the apple off of William Tell's head.
+Guide-book tells all about it, they say. I didn't read it--an American
+told me. I don't read when I'm knocking around like this, having a good
+time. Did you ever see the chapel where William Tell used to preach?"
+
+"I did not know he ever preached there."
+
+"Oh, yes, he did. That American told me so. He don't ever shut up
+his guide-book. He knows more about this lake than the fishes in it.
+Besides, they CALL it 'Tell's Chapel'--you know that yourself. You ever
+been over here before?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"I haven't. It's my first trip. But we've been all around--Paris and
+everywhere. I'm to enter Harvard next year. Studying German all the time
+now. Can't enter till I know German. This book's Otto's grammar. It's a
+mighty good book to get the ICH HABE GEHABT HABEN's out of. But I don't
+really study when I'm knocking around this way. If the notion takes me,
+I just run over my little old ICH HABE GEHABT, DU HAST GEHABT, ER HAT
+GEHABT, WIR HABEN GEHABT, IHR HABEN GEHABT, SIE HABEN GEHABT--kind of
+'Now-I-lay-me-down-to-sleep' fashion, you know, and after that, maybe
+I don't buckle to it for three days. It's awful undermining to the
+intellect, German is; you want to take it in small doses, or first you
+know your brains all run together, and you feel them sloshing around in
+your head same as so much drawn butter. But French is different; FRENCH
+ain't anything. I ain't any more afraid of French than a tramp's afraid
+of pie; I can rattle off my little J'AI, TU AS, IL A, and the rest of
+it, just as easy as a-b-c. I get along pretty well in Paris, or anywhere
+where they speak French. What hotel are you stopping at?"
+
+"The Schweitzerhof."
+
+"No! is that so? I never see you in the big reception-room. I go in
+there a good deal of the time, because there's so many Americans there.
+I make lots of acquaintances. You been up the Rigi yet?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Going?"
+
+"We think of it."
+
+"What hotel you going to stop at?"
+
+"I don't know."
+
+"Well, then you stop at the Schreiber--it's full of Americans. What ship
+did you come over in?"
+
+"CITY OF CHESTER."
+
+"Oh, yes, I remember I asked you that before. But I always ask everybody
+what ship they came over in, and so sometimes I forget and ask again.
+You going to Geneva?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"What hotel you going to stop at?"
+
+"We expect to stop in a pension."
+
+"I don't hardly believe you'll like that; there's very few Americans in
+the pensions. What hotel are you stopping at here?"
+
+"The Schweitzerhof."
+
+"Oh, yes. I asked you that before, too. But I always ask everybody what
+hotel they're stopping at, and so I've got my head all mixed up with
+hotels. But it makes talk, and I love to talk. It refreshes me up
+so--don't it you--on a trip like this?"
+
+"Yes--sometimes."
+
+"Well, it does me, too. As long as I'm talking I never feel bored--ain't
+that the way with you?"
+
+"Yes--generally. But there are exception to the rule."
+
+"Oh, of course. I don't care to talk to everybody, MYSELF. If a person
+starts in to jabber-jabber-jabber about scenery, and history, and
+pictures, and all sorts of tiresome things, I get the fan-tods mighty
+soon. I say 'Well, I must be going now--hope I'll see you again'--and
+then I take a walk. Where you from?"
+
+"New Jersey."
+
+"Why, bother it all, I asked you THAT before, too. Have you seen the
+Lion of Lucerne?"
+
+"Not yet."
+
+"Nor I, either. But the man who told me about Mount Pilatus says it's
+one of the things to see. It's twenty-eight feet long. It don't seem
+reasonable, but he said so, anyway. He saw it yesterday; said it was
+dying, then, so I reckon it's dead by this time. But that ain't any
+matter, of course they'll stuff it. Did you say the children are
+yours--or HERS?"
+
+"Mine."
+
+"Oh, so you did. Are you going up the ... no, I asked you that. What
+ship ... no, I asked you that, too. What hotel are you ... no, you told
+me that. Let me see ... um .... Oh, what kind of voy ... no, we've
+been over that ground, too. Um ... um ... well, I believe that is all.
+BONJOUR--I am very glad to have made your acquaintance, ladies. GUTEN
+TAG."
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVIII
+
+[The Jodel and Its Native Wilds]
+
+
+The Rigi-Kulm is an imposing Alpine mass, six thousand feet high, which
+stands by itself, and commands a mighty prospect of blue lakes, green
+valleys, and snowy mountains--a compact and magnificent picture
+three hundred miles in circumference. The ascent is made by rail, or
+horseback, or on foot, as one may prefer. I and my agent panoplied
+ourselves in walking-costume, one bright morning, and started down
+the lake on the steamboat; we got ashore at the village of Waeggis;
+three-quarters of an hour distant from Lucerne. This village is at the
+foot of the mountain.
+
+We were soon tramping leisurely up the leafy mule-path, and then the
+talk began to flow, as usual. It was twelve o'clock noon, and a breezy,
+cloudless day; the ascent was gradual, and the glimpses, from under
+the curtaining boughs, of blue water, and tiny sailboats, and beetling
+cliffs, were as charming as glimpses of dreamland. All the circumstances
+were perfect--and the anticipations, too, for we should soon be
+enjoying, for the first time, that wonderful spectacle, an Alpine
+sunrise--the object of our journey. There was (apparently) no real need
+for hurry, for the guide-book made the walking-distance from Waeggis to
+the summit only three hours and a quarter. I say "apparently," because
+the guide-book had already fooled us once--about the distance from
+Allerheiligen to Oppenau--and for aught I knew it might be getting
+ready to fool us again. We were only certain as to the altitudes--we
+calculated to find out for ourselves how many hours it is from the
+bottom to the top. The summit is six thousand feet above the sea, but
+only forty-five hundred feet above the lake. When we had walked half an
+hour, we were fairly into the swing and humor of the undertaking, so we
+cleared for action; that is to say, we got a boy whom we met to carry
+our alpenstocks and satchels and overcoats and things for us; that left
+us free for business. I suppose we must have stopped oftener to stretch
+out on the grass in the shade and take a bit of a smoke than this boy
+was used to, for presently he asked if it had been our idea to hire him
+by the job, or by the year? We told him he could move along if he was
+in a hurry. He said he wasn't in such a very particular hurry, but he
+wanted to get to the top while he was young.
+
+
+
+We told him to clear out, then, and leave the things at the uppermost
+hotel and say we should be along presently. He said he would secure us a
+hotel if he could, but if they were all full he would ask them to build
+another one and hurry up and get the paint and plaster dry against we
+arrived. Still gently chaffing us, he pushed ahead, up the trail, and
+soon disappeared. By six o'clock we were pretty high up in the air,
+and the view of lake and mountains had greatly grown in breadth and
+interest. We halted awhile at a little public house, where we had bread
+and cheese and a quart or two of fresh milk, out on the porch, with the
+big panorama all before us--and then moved on again.
+
+
+
+Ten minutes afterward we met a hot, red-faced man plunging down the
+mountain, making mighty strides, swinging his alpenstock ahead of him,
+and taking a grip on the ground with its iron point to support these
+big strides. He stopped, fanned himself with his hat, swabbed the
+perspiration from his face and neck with a red handkerchief, panted
+a moment or two, and asked how far to Waeggis. I said three hours. He
+looked surprised, and said:
+
+"Why, it seems as if I could toss a biscuit into the lake from here,
+it's so close by. Is that an inn, there?"
+
+I said it was.
+
+"Well," said he, "I can't stand another three hours, I've had enough
+today; I'll take a bed there."
+
+I asked:
+
+"Are we nearly to the top?"
+
+"Nearly to the TOP? Why, bless your soul, you haven't really started,
+yet."
+
+I said we would put up at the inn, too. So we turned back and ordered a
+hot supper, and had quite a jolly evening of it with this Englishman.
+
+The German landlady gave us neat rooms and nice beds, and when I and my
+agent turned in, it was with the resolution to be up early and make the
+utmost of our first Alpine sunrise. But of course we were dead tired,
+and slept like policemen; so when we awoke in the morning and ran to the
+window it was already too late, because it was half past eleven. It
+was a sharp disappointment. However, we ordered breakfast and told the
+landlady to call the Englishman, but she said he was already up and off
+at daybreak--and swearing like mad about something or other. We could
+not find out what the matter was. He had asked the landlady the altitude
+of her place above the level of the lake, and she told him fourteen
+hundred and ninety-five feet. That was all that was said; then he lost
+his temper. He said that between ------fools and guide-books, a man
+could acquire ignorance enough in twenty-four hours in a country like
+this to last him a year. Harris believed our boy had been loading him
+up with misinformation; and this was probably the case, for his epithet
+described that boy to a dot.
+
+We got under way about the turn of noon, and pulled out for the summit
+again, with a fresh and vigorous step. When we had gone about two
+hundred yards, and stopped to rest, I glanced to the left while I was
+lighting my pipe, and in the distance detected a long worm of black
+smoke crawling lazily up the steep mountain. Of course that was the
+locomotive. We propped ourselves on our elbows at once, to gaze, for we
+had never seen a mountain railway yet. Presently we could make out the
+train. It seemed incredible that that thing should creep straight up a
+sharp slant like the roof of a house--but there it was, and it was doing
+that very miracle.
+
+In the course of a couple hours we reached a fine breezy altitude where
+the little shepherd huts had big stones all over their roofs to hold
+them down to the earth when the great storms rage. The country was wild
+and rocky about here, but there were plenty of trees, plenty of moss,
+and grass.
+
+Away off on the opposite shore of the lake we could see some villages,
+and now for the first time we could observe the real difference between
+their proportions and those of the giant mountains at whose feet they
+slept. When one is in one of those villages it seems spacious, and
+its houses seem high and not out of proportion to the mountain that
+overhangs them--but from our altitude, what a change! The mountains were
+bigger and grander than ever, as they stood there thinking their solemn
+thoughts with their heads in the drifting clouds, but the villages
+at their feet--when the painstaking eye could trace them up and find
+them--were so reduced, almost invisible, and lay so flat against the
+ground, that the exactest simile I can devise is to compare them to
+ant-deposits of granulated dirt overshadowed by the huge bulk of a
+cathedral. The steamboats skimming along under the stupendous precipices
+were diminished by distance to the daintiest little toys, the sailboats
+and rowboats to shallops proper for fairies that keep house in the cups
+of lilies and ride to court on the backs of bumblebees.
+
+
+
+Presently we came upon half a dozen sheep nibbling grass in the spray
+of a stream of clear water that sprang from a rock wall a hundred feet
+high, and all at once our ears were startled with a melodious "Lul ...
+l ... l l l llul-lul-LAhee-o-o-o!" pealing joyously from a near but
+invisible source, and recognized that we were hearing for the first
+time the famous Alpine JODEL in its own native wilds. And we recognized,
+also, that it was that sort of quaint commingling of baritone and
+falsetto which at home we call "Tyrolese warbling."
+
+
+
+The jodeling (pronounced yOdling--emphasis on the O) continued, and
+was very pleasant and inspiriting to hear. Now the jodeler appeared--a
+shepherd boy of sixteen--and in our gladness and gratitude we gave him
+a franc to jodel some more. So he jodeled and we listened. We moved
+on, presently, and he generously jodeled us out of sight. After about
+fifteen minutes we came across another shepherd boy who was jodeling,
+and gave him half a franc to keep it up. He also jodeled us out of
+sight. After that, we found a jodeler every ten minutes; we gave the
+first one eight cents, the second one six cents, the third one four, the
+fourth one a penny, contributed nothing to Nos. 5, 6, and 7, and during
+the remainder of the day hired the rest of the jodelers, at a franc
+apiece, not to jodel any more. There is somewhat too much of the
+jodeling in the Alps.
+
+About the middle of the afternoon we passed through a prodigious natural
+gateway called the Felsenthor, formed by two enormous upright rocks,
+with a third lying across the top. There was a very attractive little
+hotel close by, but our energies were not conquered yet, so we went on.
+
+
+
+Three hours afterward we came to the railway-track. It was planted
+straight up the mountain with the slant of a ladder that leans against a
+house, and it seemed to us that man would need good nerves who proposed
+to travel up it or down it either.
+
+During the latter part of the afternoon we cooled our roasting interiors
+with ice-cold water from clear streams, the only really satisfying water
+we had tasted since we left home, for at the hotels on the continent
+they merely give you a tumbler of ice to soak your water in, and that
+only modifies its hotness, doesn't make it cold. Water can only be made
+cold enough for summer comfort by being prepared in a refrigerator or
+a closed ice-pitcher. Europeans say ice-water impairs digestion. How do
+they know?--they never drink any.
+
+At ten minutes past six we reached the Kaltbad station, where there is
+a spacious hotel with great verandas which command a majestic expanse of
+lake and mountain scenery. We were pretty well fagged out, now, but as
+we did not wish to miss the Alpine sunrise, we got through our dinner
+as quickly as possible and hurried off to bed. It was unspeakably
+comfortable to stretch our weary limbs between the cool, damp sheets.
+And how we did sleep!--for there is no opiate like Alpine pedestrianism.
+
+
+
+In the morning we both awoke and leaped out of bed at the same instant
+and ran and stripped aside the window-curtains; but we suffered a bitter
+disappointment again: it was already half past three in the afternoon.
+
+We dressed sullenly and in ill spirits, each accusing the other of
+oversleeping. Harris said if we had brought the courier along, as we
+ought to have done, we should not have missed these sunrises. I said he
+knew very well that one of us would have to sit up and wake the
+courier; and I added that we were having trouble enough to take care
+of ourselves, on this climb, without having to take care of a courier
+besides.
+
+During breakfast our spirits came up a little, since we found by this
+guide-book that in the hotels on the summit the tourist is not left to
+trust to luck for his sunrise, but is roused betimes by a man who goes
+through the halls with a great Alpine horn, blowing blasts that would
+raise the dead. And there was another consoling thing: the guide-book
+said that up there on the summit the guests did not wait to dress much,
+but seized a red bed blanket and sailed out arrayed like an Indian. This
+was good; this would be romantic; two hundred and fifty people grouped
+on the windy summit, with their hair flying and their red blankets
+flapping, in the solemn presence of the coming sun, would be a striking
+and memorable spectacle. So it was good luck, not ill luck, that we had
+missed those other sunrises.
+
+We were informed by the guide-book that we were now 3,228 feet above
+the level of the lake--therefore full two-thirds of our journey had been
+accomplished. We got away at a quarter past four P.M.; a hundred yards
+above the hotel the railway divided; one track went straight up the
+steep hill, the other one turned square off to the right, with a very
+slight grade. We took the latter, and followed it more than a mile,
+turned a rocky corner, and came in sight of a handsome new hotel. If we
+had gone on, we should have arrived at the summit, but Harris
+preferred to ask a lot of questions--as usual, of a man who didn't know
+anything--and he told us to go back and follow the other route. We did
+so. We could ill afford this loss of time.
+
+We climbed and climbed; and we kept on climbing; we reached about forty
+summits, but there was always another one just ahead. It came on to
+rain, and it rained in dead earnest. We were soaked through and it
+was bitter cold. Next a smoky fog of clouds covered the whole region
+densely, and we took to the railway-ties to keep from getting lost.
+Sometimes we slopped along in a narrow path on the left-hand side of the
+track, but by and by when the fog blew aside a little and we saw that we
+were treading the rampart of a precipice and that our left elbows were
+projecting over a perfectly boundless and bottomless vacancy, we gasped,
+and jumped for the ties again.
+
+
+
+The night shut down, dark and drizzly and cold. About eight in the
+evening the fog lifted and showed us a well-worn path which led up a
+very steep rise to the left. We took it, and as soon as we had got far
+enough from the railway to render the finding it again an impossibility,
+the fog shut down on us once more.
+
+We were in a bleak, unsheltered place, now, and had to trudge right
+along, in order to keep warm, though we rather expected to go over a
+precipice, sooner or later. About nine o'clock we made an important
+discovery--that we were not in any path. We groped around a while on our
+hands and knees, but we could not find it; so we sat down in the mud and
+the wet scant grass to wait.
+
+We were terrified into this by being suddenly confronted with a vast
+body which showed itself vaguely for an instant and in the next instant
+was smothered in the fog again. It was really the hotel we were after,
+monstrously magnified by the fog, but we took it for the face of a
+precipice, and decided not to try to claw up it.
+
+We sat there an hour, with chattering teeth and quivering bodies, and
+quarreled over all sorts of trifles, but gave most of our attention to
+abusing each other for the stupidity of deserting the railway-track. We
+sat with our backs to the precipice, because what little wind there was
+came from that quarter. At some time or other the fog thinned a little;
+we did not know when, for we were facing the empty universe and the
+thinness could not show; but at last Harris happened to look around, and
+there stood a huge, dim, spectral hotel where the precipice had been.
+One could faintly discern the windows and chimneys, and a dull blur of
+lights. Our first emotion was deep, unutterable gratitude, our next was
+a foolish rage, born of the suspicion that possibly the hotel had been
+visible three-quarters of an hour while we sat there in those cold
+puddles quarreling.
+
+
+
+Yes, it was the Rigi-Kulm hotel--the one that occupies the extreme
+summit, and whose remote little sparkle of lights we had often seen
+glinting high aloft among the stars from our balcony away down yonder
+in Lucerne. The crusty portier and the crusty clerks gave us the
+surly reception which their kind deal out in prosperous times, but by
+mollifying them with an extra display of obsequiousness and servility
+we finally got them to show us to the room which our boy had engaged for
+us.
+
+We got into some dry clothing, and while our supper was preparing we
+loafed forsakenly through a couple of vast cavernous drawing-rooms,
+one of which had a stove in it. This stove was in a corner, and densely
+walled around with people. We could not get near the fire, so we moved
+at large in the artic spaces, among a multitude of people who sat
+silent, smileless, forlorn, and shivering--thinking what fools they were
+to come, perhaps. There were some Americans and some Germans, but one
+could see that the great majority were English.
+
+We lounged into an apartment where there was a great crowd, to see
+what was going on. It was a memento-magazine. The tourists were eagerly
+buying all sorts and styles of paper-cutters, marked "Souvenir of the
+Rigi," with handles made of the little curved horn of the ostensible
+chamois; there were all manner of wooden goblets and such things,
+similarly marked. I was going to buy a paper-cutter, but I believed
+I could remember the cold comfort of the Rigi-Kulm without it, so I
+smothered the impulse.
+
+Supper warmed us, and we went immediately to bed--but first, as Mr.
+Baedeker requests all tourists to call his attention to any errors which
+they may find in his guide-books, I dropped him a line to inform him he
+missed it by just about three days. I had previously informed him of his
+mistake about the distance from Allerheiligen to Oppenau, and had also
+informed the Ordnance Depart of the German government of the same error
+in the imperial maps. I will add, here, that I never got any answer to
+those letters, or any thanks from either of those sources; and, what is
+still more discourteous, these corrections have not been made, either in
+the maps or the guide-books. But I will write again when I get time, for
+my letters may have miscarried.
+
+We curled up in the clammy beds, and went to sleep without rocking. We
+were so sodden with fatigue that we never stirred nor turned over till
+the blooming blasts of the Alpine horn aroused us.
+
+
+
+It may well be imagined that we did not lose any time. We snatched on
+a few odds and ends of clothing, cocooned ourselves in the proper red
+blankets, and plunged along the halls and out into the whistling wind
+bareheaded. We saw a tall wooden scaffolding on the very peak of the
+summit, a hundred yards away, and made for it. We rushed up the stairs
+to the top of this scaffolding, and stood there, above the vast outlying
+world, with hair flying and ruddy blankets waving and cracking in the
+fierce breeze.
+
+
+
+"Fifteen minutes too late, at last!" said Harris, in a vexed voice. "The
+sun is clear above the horizon."
+
+"No matter," I said, "it is a most magnificent spectacle, and we will
+see it do the rest of its rising anyway."
+
+In a moment we were deeply absorbed in the marvel before us, and dead to
+everything else. The great cloud-barred disk of the sun stood just above
+a limitless expanse of tossing white-caps--so to speak--a billowy chaos
+of massy mountain domes and peaks draped in imperishable snow, and
+flooded with an opaline glory of changing and dissolving splendors,
+while through rifts in a black cloud-bank above the sun, radiating
+lances of diamond dust shot to the zenith. The cloven valleys of the
+lower world swam in a tinted mist which veiled the ruggedness of their
+crags and ribs and ragged forests, and turned all the forbidding region
+into a soft and rich and sensuous paradise.
+
+We could not speak. We could hardly breathe. We could only gaze in
+drunken ecstasy and drink in it. Presently Harris exclaimed:
+
+"Why--nation, it's going DOWN!"
+
+Perfectly true. We had missed the MORNING hornblow, and slept all day.
+This was stupefying.
+
+Harris said:
+
+"Look here, the sun isn't the spectacle--it's US--stacked up here on top
+of this gallows, in these idiotic blankets, and two hundred and fifty
+well-dressed men and women down here gawking up at us and not caring
+a straw whether the sun rises or sets, as long as they've got such a
+ridiculous spectacle as this to set down in their memorandum-books. They
+seem to be laughing their ribs loose, and there's one girl there that
+appears to be going all to pieces. I never saw such a man as you before.
+I think you are the very last possibility in the way of an ass."
+
+"What have I done?" I answered, with heat.
+
+"What have you done? You've got up at half past seven o'clock in the
+evening to see the sun rise, that's what you've done."
+
+"And have you done any better, I'd like to know? I've always used to
+get up with the lark, till I came under the petrifying influence of your
+turgid intellect."
+
+"YOU used to get up with the lark--Oh, no doubt--you'll get up with the
+hangman one of these days. But you ought to be ashamed to be jawing
+here like this, in a red blanket, on a forty-foot scaffold on top of the
+Alps. And no end of people down here to boot; this isn't any place for
+an exhibition of temper."
+
+And so the customary quarrel went on. When the sun was fairly down, we
+slipped back to the hotel in the charitable gloaming, and went to bed
+again. We had encountered the horn-blower on the way, and he had tried
+to collect compensation, not only for announcing the sunset, which we
+did see, but for the sunrise, which we had totally missed; but we said
+no, we only took our solar rations on the "European plan"--pay for what
+you get. He promised to make us hear his horn in the morning, if we were
+alive.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's A Tramp Abroad, by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
+
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+<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN">
+<html>
+<head>
+<title>A TRAMP ABROAD, BY MARK TWAIN, Part 4</title>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1">
+
+<style type="text/css">
+    <!--
+		body {background:#faebd7; margin:10%; text-align:justify}
+    P { text-indent:   1em;
+        margin-top:    .75em;
+        margin-bottom: .75em; }
+    H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; }
+    HR  { width: 33%; text-align: center; }
+		blockquote {font-size: 97% }
+		.figleft   {float: left;}
+    .figright  {float: right;}
+    .toc       { margin-left: 15%; margin-bottom: 0em;}
+    CENTER { padding: 10px;}
+    // -->
+</style>
+
+</head>
+<body>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Tramp Abroad, by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: A Tramp Abroad
+       Part 4
+
+Author: Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
+
+Release Date: June 2004 [EBook #5785]
+Posting Date: June 2, 2009
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A TRAMP ABROAD ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Anonymous Volunteers, John Greenman and David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<h2>A TRAMP ABROAD BY MARK TWAIN, Part 4</h2>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="" cellPadding=4 border=3>
+<tr><td>
+
+
+
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/files/5784/5784-h/5784-h.htm">Previous Part</a>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+</td><td>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/files/5786/5786-h/5786-h.htm">Next Part</a>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+
+
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<center><a name="cover"></a><img alt="cover.jpg (229K)" src="images/cover.jpg" height="745" width="652">
+</center>
+
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="Portrait"></a><img alt="Portrait.jpg (45K)" src="images/Portrait.jpg" height="1051" width="605">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+
+
+<center><a name="Moses"></a><img alt="Moses.jpg (86K)" src="images/Moses.jpg" height="949" width="565">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+
+
+<center><a name="Titlepage"></a><img alt="Titlepage.jpg (41K)" src="images/Titlepage.jpg" height="1029" width="645">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+                   <center> <h1>A TRAMP ABROAD, Part 4.</h1>
+
+                     <h2>By Mark Twain</h2>
+                  <h3>(Samuel L. Clemens)</h3>
+
+                <h3>First published in 1880</h3>
+
+								<h3>Illustrations taken from an 1880 First Edition</h3>
+
+                      * * * * * *
+</center>
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<h2>ILLUSTRATIONS:</h2>
+
+<center>
+<table summary="">
+<tr><td>
+<br>
+1.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#Portrait">PORTRAIT OF THE AUTHOR</a><br>
+2.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#Moses">TITIAN'S MOSES</a><br>
+3.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p016">THE AUTHOR'S MEMORIES</a><br>
+119.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p208">BLACK FOREST GRANDEE</a> <br>
+120.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p209">THE GRANDEE'S DAUGHTER</a><br>
+121.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p211c">RICH OLD HUSS</a><br>
+122.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p211d">GRETCHEN</a> <br>
+123.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p212a">PAUL HOCH</a><br>
+124.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p212b">HANS SCHMIDT</a> <br>
+125.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p213">ELECTING A NEW MEMBER</a> <br>
+126.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p215">OVERCOMING OBSTACLES</a> <br>
+127.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p216">FRIENDS</a> <br>
+128.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p218">PROSPECTING</a> <br>
+129.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p220">TAIL PIECE</a> <br>
+130.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p223">A GENERAL HOWL</a> <br>
+131.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p224">SEEKING A SITUATION</a> <br>
+132.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p227">STANDING GUARD</a> <br>
+133.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p228">RESULT OF A JOKE</a> <br>
+134.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p229">DESCENDING A FARM</a> <br>
+155.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p232">A GERMAN SABBATH</a> <br>
+136.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p234">AN OBJECT OF SYMPATHY</a> <br>
+137.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p236">A NON-CLASSICAL STYLE</a> <br>
+138.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p238">THE TRADITIONAL CHAMOIS</a> <br>
+139.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p242">HUNTING CHAMOIS THE TRUE WAY</a> <br>
+140.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p243">CHAMOIS HUNTER AS REPORTED</a> <br>
+141.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p246">MARKING ALPENSTOCKS</a> <br>
+142.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p247">IS SHE EIGHTEEN OR TWENTY</a> <br>
+143.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p249">I KNEW I WASN'T MISTAKEN</a> <br>
+144.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p255">HARRIS ASTONISHED</a> <br>
+145.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p257">TAIL PIECE</a> <br>
+146.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p259">THE LION OF LUCERNE</a><br>
+147.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p262">HE LIKED CLOCKS</a> <br>
+148.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p265">"I WILL TELL YOU"</a> <br>
+149.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p266a">COULDN'T WAIT</a> <br>
+150.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p266b">DIDN'T CARE FOR STYLE</a> <br>
+151.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p267a">A PAIR BETTER THAN FOUR</a> <br>
+152.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p267b">TWO WASN'T NECESSARY</a><br>
+153.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p267c">JUST THE TRICK</a><br>
+154.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p268a">GOING TO MAKE THEM STARE</a> <br>
+155.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p268b">NOT THROWN AWAY</a><br>
+156.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p268c">WHAT THE DOCTOR RECOMMENDED</a> <br>
+157.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p269a">WANTED TO FEEL SAFE</a> <br>
+158.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p269c">PREFERRED TO TRAMP ON FOOT</a> <br>
+159.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p270">DERN A DOG, ANYWAY</a> <br>
+160.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p271">TAIL PIECE</a> <br>
+161.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p273">THE GLACIER GARDEN</a><br>
+162.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p273b">LAKE AND MOUNTAINS (MONT PILATUS)</a> <br>
+163.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p274">MOUNTAIN PATHS</a><br>
+164.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p276">"YOU'RE AN AMERICAN&mdash;SO AM I"</a> <br>
+165.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p280">ENTERPRISE</a> <br>
+166.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p281">THE CONSTANT SEARCHER</a> <br>
+167.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p285">THE MOUNTAIN BOY</a> <br>
+168.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p286">THE ENGLISHMAN</a> <br>
+169.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p288">THE JODLER</a> <br>
+170.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p289">ANOTHER VOCALIST</a> <br>
+171.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p290">THE FELSENTHOR</a><br>
+172.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p291">A VIEW FROM THE STATION</a> <br>
+173.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p293">LOST IN THE MIST</a><br>
+174.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p294">THE RIGI-KULM HOTEL</a> <br>
+175.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p296">WHAT AWAKENED US</a> <br>
+176.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p297">A SUMMIT SUNRISE</a> <br>
+177.&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="#p300">TAIL PIECE</a> <br>
+
+
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+
+<h2>CONTENTS:</h2>
+
+<blockquote><blockquote><blockquote><blockquote>
+
+<a href="#ch22">CHAPTER XXII</a>
+<br>
+The Black Forest&mdash;A Grandee and his Family&mdash;The Wealthy
+Nabob&mdash;A New Standard of Wealth&mdash;Skeleton for a New Novel&mdash;Trying
+Situation&mdash;The Common Council&mdash;Choosing a New Member
+Studying Natural History&mdash;The Ant a Fraud&mdash;Eccentricities of the
+Ant&mdash;His Deceit and Ignorance&mdash;A German Dish&mdash;Boiled Oranges
+<br><br>
+<a href="#ch23">CHAPTER XXIII</a>
+<br>
+Off for a Day's Tramp&mdash;Tramping and Talking&mdash;Story
+Telling&mdash;Dentistry in Camp&mdash;Nicodemus Dodge&mdash;Seeking a Situation&mdash;A Butt for
+Jokes&mdash;Jimmy Finn's Skeleton&mdash;Descending a Farm&mdash;Unexpected Notoriety
+<br><br>
+<a href="#ch24">CHAPTER XXIV</a>
+<br>
+Sunday on the Continent&mdash;A Day of Rest&mdash;An Incident at
+Church&mdash;An Object of Sympathy&mdash;Royalty at Church&mdash;Public Grounds
+Concert&mdash;Power and Grades of Music&mdash;Hiring a Courier
+<br><br>
+<a href="#ch25">CHAPTER XXV</a>
+<br>
+Lucerne&mdash;Beauty of its Lake&mdash;The Wild Chamois&mdash;A Great Error
+Exposed&mdash;Methods of Hunting the Chamois&mdash;Beauties of
+Lucerne&mdash;The Alpenstock&mdash;Marking Alpenstocks&mdash;Guessing at
+Nationalities&mdash;An American Party&mdash;An Unexpected Acquaintance&mdash;Getting
+Mixed Up&mdash;Following Blind Trails&mdash;A Happy Half&mdash;hour&mdash;Defeat and Revenge
+<br><br>
+<a href="#ch26">CHAPTER XXVI</a>
+<br>
+Commerce of Lucerne&mdash;Benefits of Martyrdom&mdash;A Bit of History&mdash;The
+Home of Cuckoo Clocks&mdash;A Satisfactory Revenge&mdash;The Alan Who
+Put Up at Gadsby's&mdash;A Forgotten Story&mdash;Wanted to be
+Postmaster&mdash;A Tennessean at Washington&mdash;He Concluded to Stay A
+While&mdash;Application of the Story
+<br><br>
+<a href="#ch27">CHAPTER XXVII</a>
+<br>
+The Glacier Garden&mdash;Excursion on the Lake&mdash;Life on the
+Mountains&mdash;A Specimen Tourist&mdash;"Where're you From?"&mdash;An Advertising
+Dodge&mdash;A Righteous Verdict&mdash;The Guide-book Student&mdash;I Believe that's All
+<br><br>
+<a href="#ch28">CHAPTER XXVIII</a>
+<br>
+The Rigi-Kulm&mdash;Its Ascent&mdash;Stripping for Business&mdash;A Mountain
+Lad&mdash;An English Tourist&mdash;Railroad up the Mountain&mdash;Villages and
+Mountain&mdash;The Jodlers&mdash;About Ice Water&mdash;The Felsenthor&mdash;Too
+Late&mdash;Lost in the Fog&mdash;The Rigi-Kulm Hotel&mdash;The Alpine Horn&mdash;Sunrise
+at Night
+
+</blockquote></blockquote></blockquote></blockquote>
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<br><br>
+
+
+
+<center><a name="p016"></a><img alt="p016.jpg (82K)" src="images/p016.jpg" height="817" width="535">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+
+
+<a name="ch22"></a><center><h2>CHAPTER XXII</h2>
+<h3>[The Black Forest and Its Treasures]</h3></center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+<p>From Baden-Baden we made the customary trip into the
+Black Forest.  We were on foot most of the time.  One cannot
+describe those noble woods, nor the feeling with which they
+inspire him.  A feature of the feeling, however, is a deep
+sense of contentment; another feature of it is a buoyant,
+boyish gladness; and a third and very conspicuous feature
+of it is one's sense of the remoteness of the work-day
+world and his entire emancipation from it and its affairs.
+
+<p>Those woods stretch unbroken over a vast region;
+and everywhere they are such dense woods, and so still,
+and so piney and fragrant.  The stems of the trees are trim
+and straight, and in many places all the ground is hidden
+for miles under a thick cushion of moss of a vivid green color,
+with not a decayed or ragged spot in its surface, and not
+a fallen leaf or twig to mar its immaculate tidiness.
+A rich cathedral gloom pervades the pillared aisles;
+so the stray flecks of sunlight that strike a trunk
+here and a bough yonder are strongly accented,
+and when they strike the moss they fairly seem to burn.
+But the weirdest effect, and the most enchanting is that
+produced by the diffused light of the low afternoon sun;
+no single ray is able to pierce its way in, then, but the
+diffused light takes color from moss and foliage,
+and pervades the place like a faint, green-tinted mist,
+the theatrical fire of fairyland.  The suggestion of mystery
+and the supernatural which haunts the forest at all times
+is intensified by this unearthly glow.
+
+<p>We found the Black Forest farmhouses and villages
+all that the Black Forest stories have pictured them.
+The first genuine specimen which we came upon was
+the mansion of a rich farmer and member of the Common
+Council of the parish or district.  He was an important
+personage in the land and so was his wife also,
+of course.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p208"></a><img alt="p208.jpg (43K)" src="images/p208.jpg" height="593" width="443">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>His daughter was the "catch" of the region,
+and she may be already entering into immortality as the
+heroine of one of Auerbach's novels, for all I know.
+We shall see, for if he puts her in I shall recognize her
+by her Black Forest clothes, and her burned complexion,
+her plump figure, her fat hands, her dull expression,
+her gentle spirit, her generous feet, her bonnetless head,
+and the plaited tails of hemp-colored hair hanging down
+her back.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p209"></a><img alt="p209.jpg (79K)" src="images/p209.jpg" height="741" width="531">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>The house was big enough for a hotel; it was a hundred
+feet long and fifty wide, and ten feet high, from ground
+to eaves; but from the eaves to the comb of the mighty roof
+was as much as forty feet, or maybe even more.  This roof
+was of ancient mud-colored straw thatch a foot thick,
+and was covered all over, except in a few trifling spots,
+with a thriving and luxurious growth of green vegetation,
+mainly moss.  The mossless spots were places where
+repairs had been made by the insertion of bright new
+masses of yellow straw.  The eaves projected far down,
+like sheltering, hospitable wings.  Across the gable that
+fronted the road, and about ten feet above the ground,
+ran a narrow porch, with a wooden railing; a row of
+small windows filled with very small panes looked upon
+the porch.  Above were two or three other little windows,
+one clear up under the sharp apex of the roof.
+Before the ground-floor door was a huge pile of manure.
+The door of the second-story room on the side of the house
+was open, and occupied by the rear elevation of a cow.
+Was this probably the drawing-room? All of the front
+half of the house from the ground up seemed to be
+occupied by the people, the cows, and the chickens,
+and all the rear half by draught-animals and hay.
+But the chief feature, all around this house, was the big
+heaps of manure.
+
+<p>We became very familiar with the fertilizer in the Forest.
+We fell unconsciously into the habit of judging of a man's
+station in life by this outward and eloquent sign.
+Sometimes we said, "Here is a poor devil, this is manifest."
+When we saw a stately accumulation, we said, "Here is
+a banker." When we encountered a country-seat surrounded
+by an Alpine pomp of manure, we said, "Doubtless a duke
+lives here."
+
+<p>The importance of this feature has not been properly
+magnified in the Black Forest stories.  Manure is evidently
+the Black-Forester's main treasure&mdash;his coin, his jewel,
+his pride, his Old Master, his ceramics, his bric-a-brac,
+his darling, his title to public consideration,
+envy, veneration, and his first solicitude when he gets
+ready to make his will.  The true Black Forest novel,
+if it is ever written, will be skeletoned somewhat in this way:
+<br><br>
+<h3>SKELETON FOR A BLACK FOREST NOVEL</h3>
+<br>
+<p>Rich old farmer, named Huss.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p211c"></a><img alt="p211c.jpg (10K)" src="images/p211c.jpg" height="281" width="241">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>Has inherited great wealth
+of manure, and by diligence has added to it.  It is
+double-starred in Baedeker.  [1] The Black forest artist
+paints it&mdash;his masterpiece.  The king comes to see it.
+Gretchen Huss, daughter and heiress.  Paul Hoch,
+young neighbor, suitor for Gretchen's hand&mdash;ostensibly;
+he really wants the manure.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<a name="p211d"></a>
+<center><img alt="p211d.jpg (15K)" src="images/p211d.jpg" height="337" width="299">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>Hoch has a good many cart-loads
+of the Black Forest currency himself, and therefore is a
+good catch; but he is sordid, mean, and without sentiment,
+whereas Gretchen is all sentiment and poetry.
+Hans Schmidt, young neighbor, full of sentiment,
+full of poetry, loves Gretchen, Gretchen loves him.
+But he has no manure.  Old Huss forbids him in the house.
+His heart breaks, he goes away to die in the woods,
+far from the cruel world&mdash;for he says, bitterly, "What is man,
+without manure?"
+
+<p>1.  When Baedeker's guide-books mention a thing and put
+    two stars (**) after it, it means well worth visiting.
+    M.T.
+
+<p>[Interval of six months.]
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p212a"></a><img alt="p212a.jpg (11K)" src="images/p212a.jpg" height="317" width="237">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>Paul Hoch comes to old Huss and says, "I am at last
+as rich as you required&mdash;come and view the pile."
+Old Huss views it and says, "It is sufficient&mdash;take
+her and be happy,"&mdash;meaning Gretchen.
+
+<p>[Interval of two weeks.]
+
+<p>Wedding party assembled in old Huss's drawing-room. Hoch
+placid and content, Gretchen weeping over her hard fate.
+Enter old Huss's head bookkeeper.  Huss says fiercely,
+"I gave you three weeks to find out why your books
+don't balance, and to prove that you are not a defaulter;
+the time is up&mdash;find me the missing property or you go
+to prison as a thief." Bookkeeper: "I have found it."
+"Where?" Bookkeeper (sternly&mdash;tragically): "In the bridegroom's
+pile!&mdash;behold the thief&mdash;see him blench and tremble!"
+[Sensation.] Paul Hoch: "Lost, lost!"&mdash;falls over the cow
+in a swoon and is handcuffed.  Gretchen: "Saved!" Falls
+over the calf in a swoon of joy, but is caught in the arms
+of Hans Schmidt, who springs in at that moment.  Old Huss:
+"What, you here, varlet? Unhand the maid and quit the place."
+Hans (still supporting the insensible girl): "Never! Cruel
+old man, know that I come with claims which even you
+cannot despise."
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p212b"></a><img alt="p212b.jpg (14K)" src="images/p212b.jpg" height="313" width="237">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>Huss: "What, YOU? name them."
+
+<p>Hans: "Listen then.  The world has forsaken me, I forsook
+the world, I wandered in the solitude of the forest,
+longing for death but finding none.  I fed upon roots,
+and in my bitterness I dug for the bitterest,
+loathing the sweeter kind.  Digging, three days agone,
+I struck a manure mine!&mdash;a Golconda, a limitless Bonanza,
+of solid manure! I can buy you ALL, and have mountain
+ranges of manure left! Ha-ha, NOW thou smilest a smile!"
+[Immense sensation.] Exhibition of specimens from the mine.
+Old Huss (enthusiastically): "Wake her up, shake her up,
+noble young man, she is yours!" Wedding takes place on
+the spot; bookkeeper restored to his office and emoluments;
+Paul Hoch led off to jail.  The Bonanza king of the Black
+Forest lives to a good old age, blessed with the love of his
+wife and of his twenty-seven children, and the still sweeter
+envy of everybody around.
+
+<p>We took our noon meal of fried trout one day at the Plow Inn,
+in a very pretty village (Ottenhoefen), and then went into
+the public room to rest and smoke.  There we found nine
+or ten Black Forest grandees assembled around a table.
+They were the Common Council of the parish.  They had
+gathered there at eight o'clock that morning to elect
+a new member, and they had now been drinking beer four
+hours at the new member's expense.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p213"></a><img alt="p213.jpg (63K)" src="images/p213.jpg" height="501" width="549">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>They were men of fifty
+or sixty years of age, with grave good-natured faces,
+and were all dressed in the costume made familiar to us
+by the Black Forest stories; broad, round-topped black felt
+hats with the brims curled up all round; long red waistcoats
+with large metal buttons, black alpaca coats with the
+waists up between the shoulders.  There were no speeches,
+there was but little talk, there were no frivolities;
+the Council filled themselves gradually, steadily, but surely,
+with beer, and conducted themselves with sedate decorum,
+as became men of position, men of influence, men of manure.
+
+<p>We had a hot afternoon tramp up the valley, along the grassy
+bank of a rushing stream of clear water, past farmhouses,
+water-mills, and no end of wayside crucifixes and saints
+and Virgins.  These crucifixes, etc., are set up in
+memory of departed friends, by survivors, and are almost
+as frequent as telegraph-poles are in other lands.
+
+<p>We followed the carriage-road, and had our usual luck;
+we traveled under a beating sun, and always saw the shade
+leave the shady places before we could get to them.
+In all our wanderings we seldom managed to strike
+a piece of road at its time for being shady.  We had a
+particularly hot time of it on that particular afternoon,
+and with no comfort but what we could get out of the fact
+that the peasants at work away up on the steep mountainsides
+above our heads were even worse off than we were.
+By and by it became impossible to endure the intolerable
+glare and heat any longer; so we struck across the ravine
+and entered the deep cool twilight of the forest, to hunt
+for what the guide-book called the "old road."
+
+<p>We found an old road, and it proved eventually to be the
+right one, though we followed it at the time with the conviction
+that it was the wrong one.  If it was the wrong one there
+could be no use in hurrying; therefore we did not hurry,
+but sat down frequently on the soft moss and enjoyed
+the restful quiet and shade of the forest solitudes.
+There had been distractions in the
+carriage-road&mdash;school-children, peasants, wagons, troops of
+pedestrianizing students from all over
+Germany&mdash;but we had the old road to ourselves.
+
+<p>Now and then, while we rested, we watched the laborious
+ant at his work.  I found nothing new in him&mdash;certainly
+nothing to change my opinion of him.  It seems to me that
+in the matter of intellect the ant must be a strangely
+overrated bird.  During many summers, now, I have watched him,
+when I ought to have been in better business, and I have
+not yet come across a living ant that seemed to have any
+more sense than a dead one.  I refer to the ordinary ant,
+of course; I have had no experience of those wonderful
+Swiss and African ones which vote, keep drilled armies,
+hold slaves, and dispute about religion.  Those particular
+ants may be all that the naturalist paints them,
+but I am persuaded that the average ant is a sham.
+I admit his industry, of course; he is the hardest-working
+creature in the world&mdash;when anybody is looking&mdash;but his
+leather-headedness is the point I make against him.
+He goes out foraging, he makes a capture, and then what
+does he do? Go home? No&mdash;he goes anywhere but home.
+He doesn't know where home is.  His home may be only
+three feet away&mdash;no matter, he can't find it.  He makes
+his capture, as I have said; it is generally something
+which can be of no sort of use to himself or anybody else;
+it is usually seven times bigger than it ought to be;
+he hunts out the awkwardest place to take hold of it;
+he lifts it bodily up in the air by main force, and starts;
+not toward home, but in the opposite direction;
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p215"></a><img alt="p215.jpg (19K)" src="images/p215.jpg" height="185" width="557">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>not calmly
+and wisely, but with a frantic haste which is wasteful
+of his strength; he fetches up against a pebble, and instead
+of going around it, he climbs over it backward dragging
+his booty after him, tumbles down on the other side,
+jumps up in a passion, kicks the dust off his clothes,
+moistens his hands, grabs his property viciously, yanks it
+this way, then that, shoves it ahead of him a moment,
+turns tail and lugs it after him another moment, gets madder
+and madder, then presently hoists it into the air and goes
+tearing away in an entirely new direction; comes to a weed;
+it never occurs to him to go around it; no, he must climb it;
+and he does climb it, dragging his worthless property
+to the top&mdash;which is as bright a thing to do as it would
+be for me to carry a sack of flour from Heidelberg to Paris
+by way of Strasburg steeple; when he gets up there he
+finds that that is not the place; takes a cursory glance
+at the scenery and either climbs down again or tumbles down,
+and starts off once more&mdash;as usual, in a new direction.
+At the end of half an hour, he fetches up within six inches
+of the place he started from and lays his burden down;
+meantime he has been over all the ground for two yards around,
+and climbed all the weeds and pebbles he came across.
+Now he wipes the sweat from his brow, strokes his limbs,
+and then marches aimlessly off, in as violently a hurry
+as ever.  He does not remember to have ever seen it before;
+he looks around to see which is not the way home, grabs his
+bundle and starts; he goes through the same adventures he
+had before; finally stops to rest, and a friend comes along.
+Evidently the friend remarks that a last year's grasshopper
+leg is a very noble acquisition, and inquires where he
+got it.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p216"></a><img alt="p216.jpg (11K)" src="images/p216.jpg" height="179" width="537">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>Evidently the proprietor does not remember
+exactly where he did get it, but thinks he got it "around
+here somewhere." Evidently the friend contracts to help
+him freight it home.  Then, with a judgment peculiarly
+antic (pun not intended), they take hold of opposite ends
+of that grasshopper leg and begin to tug with all their
+might in opposite directions.  Presently they take a rest
+and confer together.  They decide that something is wrong,
+they can't make out what.  Then they go at it again,
+just as before.  Same result.  Mutual recriminations follow.
+Evidently each accuses the other of being an obstructionist.
+They lock themselves together and chew each other's jaws
+for a while; then they roll and tumble on the ground till
+one loses a horn or a leg and has to haul off for repairs.
+They make up and go to work again in the same old insane way,
+but the crippled ant is at a disadvantage; tug as he may,
+the other one drags off the booty and him at the end of it.
+Instead of giving up, he hangs on, and gets his shins
+bruised against every obstruction that comes in the way.
+By and by, when that grasshopper leg has been dragged
+all over the same old ground once more, it is finally
+dumped at about the spot where it originally lay,
+the two perspiring ants inspect it thoughtfully and decide
+that dried grasshopper legs are a poor sort of property
+after all, and then each starts off in a different
+direction to see if he can't find an old nail or something
+else that is heavy enough to afford entertainment and at
+the same time valueless enough to make an ant want to own it.
+
+<p>There in the Black Forest, on the mountainside,
+I saw an ant go through with such a performance as this
+with a dead spider of fully ten times his own weight.
+The spider was not quite dead, but too far gone to resist.
+He had a round body the size of a pea.  The little
+ant&mdash;observing that I was noticing&mdash;turned him on his back,
+sunk his fangs into his throat, lifted him into the air and
+started vigorously off with him, stumbling over little pebbles,
+stepping on the spider's legs and tripping himself up,
+dragging him backward, shoving him bodily ahead, dragging him
+up stones six inches high instead of going around them,
+climbing weeds twenty times his own height and jumping
+from their summits&mdash;and finally leaving him in the middle
+of the road to be confiscated by any other fool of an
+ant that wanted him.  I measured the ground which this
+ass traversed, and arrived at the conclusion that what he
+had accomplished inside of twenty minutes would constitute
+some such job as this&mdash;relatively speaking&mdash;for a man;
+to wit: to strap two eight-hundred-pound horses together,
+carry them eighteen hundred feet, mainly over (not around)
+boulders averaging six feet high, and in the course
+of the journey climb up and jump from the top of one
+precipice like Niagara, and three steeples, each a hundred
+and twenty feet high; and then put the horses down,
+in an exposed place, without anybody to watch them,
+and go off to indulge in some other idiotic miracle for
+vanity's sake.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p218"></a><img alt="p218.jpg (29K)" src="images/p218.jpg" height="335" width="555">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>Science has recently discovered that the ant does not
+lay up anything for winter use.  This will knock him
+out of literature, to some extent.  He does not work,
+except when people are looking, and only then when the
+observer has a green, naturalistic look, and seems to be
+taking notes.  This amounts to deception, and will injure
+him for the Sunday-schools. He has not judgment enough
+to know what is good to eat from what isn't. This amounts
+to ignorance, and will impair the world's respect for him.
+He cannot stroll around a stump and find his way home again.
+This amounts to idiocy, and once the damaging fact
+is established, thoughtful people will cease to look
+up to him, the sentimental will cease to fondle him.
+His vaunted industry is but a vanity and of no effect,
+since he never gets home with anything he starts with.
+This disposes of the last remnant of his reputation
+and wholly destroys his main usefulness as a moral agent,
+since it will make the sluggard hesitate to go to him
+any more.  It is strange, beyond comprehension, that so
+manifest a humbug as the ant has been able to fool so
+many nations and keep it up so many ages without being
+found out.
+
+<p>The ant is strong, but we saw another strong thing,
+where we had not suspected the presence of much muscular
+power before.  A toadstool&mdash;that vegetable which springs
+to full growth in a single night&mdash;had torn loose and
+lifted a matted mass of pine needles and dirt of twice
+its own bulk into the air, and supported it there,
+like a column supporting a shed.  Ten thousand toadstools,
+with the right purchase, could lift a man, I suppose.
+But what good would it do?
+
+<p>All our afternoon's progress had been uphill.  About five
+or half past we reached the summit, and all of a sudden
+the dense curtain of the forest parted and we looked
+down into a deep and beautiful gorge and out over a
+wide panorama of wooded mountains with their summits
+shining in the sun and their glade-furrowed sides dimmed
+with purple shade.  The gorge under our feet&mdash;called
+Allerheiligen&mdash;afforded room in the grassy level at its
+head for a cozy and delightful human nest, shut away
+from the world and its botherations, and consequently
+the monks of the old times had not failed to spy it out;
+and here were the brown and comely ruins of their church
+and convent to prove that priests had as fine an instinct
+seven hundred years ago in ferreting out the choicest
+nooks and corners in a land as priests have today.
+
+<p>A big hotel crowds the ruins a little, now, and drives
+a brisk trade with summer tourists.  We descended
+into the gorge and had a supper which would have been
+very satisfactory if the trout had not been boiled.
+The Germans are pretty sure to boil a trout or anything
+else if left to their own devices.  This is an argument
+of some value in support of the theory that they were
+the original colonists of the wild islands of the coast
+of Scotland.  A schooner laden with oranges was wrecked
+upon one of those islands a few years ago, and the gentle
+savages rendered the captain such willing assistance
+that he gave them as many oranges as they wanted.
+Next day he asked them how they liked them.  They shook
+their heads and said:
+
+<p>"Baked, they were tough; and even boiled, they warn't
+things for a hungry man to hanker after."
+
+<p>We went down the glen after supper.  It is beautiful&mdash;a
+mixture of sylvan loveliness and craggy wildness.
+A limpid torrent goes whistling down the glen, and toward
+the foot of it winds through a narrow cleft between lofty
+precipices and hurls itself over a succession of falls.
+After one passes the last of these he has a backward
+glimpse at the falls which is very pleasing&mdash;they rise
+in a seven-stepped stairway of foamy and glittering cascades,
+and make a picture which is as charming as it is unusual.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p220"></a><img alt="p220.jpg (25K)" src="images/p220.jpg" height="403" width="359">
+</center>
+
+
+
+<br><br><br><br><br><br>
+<a name="ch23"></a><center><h2>CHAPTER XXIII</h2>
+<h3>[Nicodemus Dodge and the Skeleton]</h3></center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+<p>We were satisfied that we could walk to Oppenau in
+one day, now that we were in practice; so we set out
+the next morning after breakfast determined to do it.
+It was all the way downhill, and we had the loveliest
+summer weather for it.  So we set the pedometer and then
+stretched away on an easy, regular stride, down through
+the cloven forest, drawing in the fragrant breath
+of the morning in deep refreshing draughts, and wishing
+we might never have anything to do forever but walk
+to Oppenau and keep on doing it and then doing it over again.
+
+<p>Now, the true charm of pedestrianism does not lie
+in the walking, or in the scenery, but in the talking.
+The walking is good to time the movement of the tongue by,
+and to keep the blood and the brain stirred up and active;
+the scenery and the woodsy smells are good to bear in upon
+a man an unconscious and unobtrusive charm and solace
+to eye and soul and sense; but the supreme pleasure comes
+from the talk.  It is no matter whether one talks wisdom
+or nonsense, the case is the same, the bulk of the enjoyment
+lies in the wagging of the gladsome jaw and the flapping
+of the sympathetic ear.
+
+<p>And what motley variety of subjects a couple of people will
+casually rake over in the course of a day's tramp! There
+being no constraint, a change of subject is always in order,
+and so a body is not likely to keep pegging at a single
+topic until it grows tiresome.  We discussed everything
+we knew, during the first fifteen or twenty minutes,
+that morning, and then branched out into the glad, free,
+boundless realm of the things we were not certain about.
+
+<p>Harris said that if the best writer in the world once got
+the slovenly habit of doubling up his "haves" he could
+never get rid of it while he lived.  That is to say,
+if a man gets the habit of saying "I should have liked
+to have known more about it" instead of saying simply
+and sensibly, "I should have liked to know more about it,"
+that man's disease is incurable.  Harris said that his sort
+of lapse is to be found in every copy of every newspaper
+that has ever been printed in English, and in almost all
+of our books.  He said he had observed it in Kirkham's
+grammar and in Macaulay.  Harris believed that milk-teeth
+are commoner in men's mouths than those "doubled-up haves."
+<blockquote><blockquote><blockquote><blockquote>
+    I do not know that there have not been moments in the
+    course of the present session when I should have been
+    very glad to have accepted the proposal of my noble friend,
+    and to have exchanged parts in some of our evenings
+    of work.&mdash;[From a Speech of the English Chancellor
+    of the Exchequer, August, 1879.]
+</blockquote></blockquote></blockquote></blockquote>
+<p>That changed the subject to dentistry.  I said I believed
+the average man dreaded tooth-pulling more than amputation,
+and that he would yell quicker under the former operation
+than he would under the latter.  The philosopher Harris
+said that the average man would not yell in either case
+if he had an audience.  Then he continued:
+
+<p>"When our brigade first went into camp on the Potomac,
+we used to be brought up standing, occasionally, by an
+ear-splitting howl of anguish.  That meant that a soldier
+was getting a tooth pulled in a tent.  But the surgeons
+soon changed that; they instituted open-air dentistry.
+There never was a howl afterward&mdash;that is, from the man
+who was having the tooth pulled.  At the daily dental
+hour there would always be about five hundred soldiers
+gathered together in the neighborhood of that dental chair
+waiting to see the performance&mdash;and help; and the moment
+the surgeon took a grip on the candidate's tooth and began
+to lift, every one of those five hundred rascals would
+clap his hand to his jaw and begin to hop around on one
+leg and howl with all the lungs he had! It was enough
+to raise your hair to hear that variegated and enormous
+unanimous caterwaul burst out!
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p223"></a><img alt="p223.jpg (54K)" src="images/p223.jpg" height="511" width="545">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>With so big and so derisive
+an audience as that, a sufferer wouldn't emit a sound though
+you pulled his head off.  The surgeons said that pretty
+often a patient was compelled to laugh, in the midst
+of his pangs, but that they had never caught one crying out,
+after the open-air exhibition was instituted."
+
+<p>Dental surgeons suggested doctors, doctors suggested death,
+death suggested skeletons&mdash;and so, by a logical process
+the conversation melted out of one of these subjects
+and into the next, until the topic of skeletons raised up
+Nicodemus Dodge out of the deep grave in my memory where he
+had lain buried and forgotten for twenty-five years.
+When I was a boy in a printing-office in Missouri,
+a loose-jointed, long-legged, tow-headed, jeans-clad
+countrified cub of about sixteen lounged in one day,
+and without removing his hands from the depths
+of his trousers pockets or taking off his faded ruin
+of a slouch hat, whose broken rim hung limp and ragged
+about his eyes and ears like a bug-eaten cabbage leaf,
+stared indifferently around, then leaned his hip
+against the editor's table, crossed his mighty brogans,
+aimed at a distant fly from a crevice in his upper teeth,
+laid him low, and said with composure:
+
+<p>"Whar's the boss?"
+
+<p>"I am the boss," said the editor, following this curious
+bit of architecture wonderingly along up to its clock-face
+with his eye.
+
+<p>"Don't want anybody fur to learn the business, 'tain't likely?"
+
+<p>"Well, I don't know.  Would you like to learn it?"
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p224"></a><img alt="p224.jpg (27K)" src="images/p224.jpg" height="435" width="335">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>"Pap's so po' he cain't run me no mo', so I want to git
+a show somers if I kin, 'taint no diffunce what&mdash;I'm strong
+and hearty, and I don't turn my back on no kind of work,
+hard nur soft."
+
+<p>"Do you think you would like to learn the printing business?"
+
+<p>"Well, I don't re'ly k'yer a durn what I DO learn,
+so's I git a chance fur to make my way.  I'd jist as soon
+learn print'n's anything."
+
+<p>"Can you read?"
+
+<p>"Yes&mdash;middlin'."
+
+<p>"Write?"
+
+<p>"Well, I've seed people could lay over me thar."
+
+<p>"Cipher?"
+
+<p>"Not good enough to keep store, I don't reckon,
+but up as fur as twelve-times-twelve I ain't no slouch.
+'Tother side of that is what gits me."
+
+<p>"Where is your home?"
+
+<p>"I'm f'm old Shelby."
+
+<p>"What's your father's religious denomination?"
+
+<p>"Him? Oh, he's a blacksmith."
+
+<p>"No, no&mdash;I don't mean his trade.  What's his RELIGIOUS
+DENOMINATION?"
+
+<p>"OH&mdash;I didn't understand you befo'. He's a Freemason."
+
+<p>"No, no, you don't get my meaning yet.  What I mean is,
+does he belong to any CHURCH?"
+
+<p>"NOW you're talkin'! Couldn't make out what you was a-tryin'
+to git through yo' head no way.  B'long to a CHURCH! Why,
+boss, he's ben the pizenest kind of Free-will Babtis'
+for forty year.  They ain't no pizener ones 'n what HE is.
+Mighty good man, pap is.  Everybody says that.  If they
+said any diffrunt they wouldn't say it
+whar <i>I</i> wuz&mdash;not MUCH they wouldn't."
+
+<p>"What is your own religion?"
+
+<p>"Well, boss, you've kind o' got me, there&mdash;and yit
+you hain't got me so mighty much, nuther.  I think 't
+if a feller he'ps another feller when he's in trouble,
+and don't cuss, and don't do no mean things, nur noth'n'
+he ain' no business to do, and don't spell the Saviour's
+name with a little g, he ain't runnin' no resks&mdash;he's
+about as saift as he b'longed to a church."
+
+<p>"But suppose he did spell it with a little g&mdash;what then?"
+
+<p>"Well, if he done it a-purpose, I reckon he wouldn't
+stand no chance&mdash;he OUGHTN'T to have no chance, anyway,
+I'm most rotten certain 'bout that."
+
+<p>"What is your name?"
+
+<p>"Nicodemus Dodge."
+
+<p>"I think maybe you'll do, Nicodemus.  We'll give you
+a trial, anyway."
+
+<p>"All right."
+
+<p>"When would you like to begin?"
+
+<p>"Now."
+
+<p>So, within ten minutes after we had first glimpsed this
+nondescript he was one of us, and with his coat off
+and hard at it.
+
+<p>Beyond that end of our establishment which was furthest
+from the street, was a deserted garden, pathless,
+and thickly grown with the bloomy and villainous "jimpson"
+weed and its common friend the stately sunflower.
+In the midst of this mournful spot was a decayed and aged
+little "frame" house with but one room, one window, and no
+ceiling&mdash;it had been a smoke-house a generation before.
+Nicodemus was given this lonely and ghostly den as a bedchamber.
+
+<p>The village smarties recognized a treasure in Nicodemus,
+right away&mdash;a butt to play jokes on.  It was easy to see
+that he was inconceivably green and confiding.  George Jones
+had the glory of perpetrating the first joke on him;
+he gave him a cigar with a firecracker in it and winked
+to the crowd to come; the thing exploded presently and swept
+away the bulk of Nicodemus's eyebrows and eyelashes.
+He simply said:
+
+<p>"I consider them kind of seeg'yars dangersome,"&mdash;and
+seemed to suspect nothing.  The next evening Nicodemus
+waylaid George and poured a bucket of ice-water over him.
+
+<p>One day, while Nicodemus was in swimming, Tom McElroy
+"tied" his clothes.  Nicodemus made a bonfire of Tom's
+by way of retaliation.
+
+<p>A third joke was played upon Nicodemus a day or two later&mdash;he
+walked up the middle aisle of the village church, Sunday night,
+with a staring handbill pinned between his shoulders.
+The joker spent the remainder of the night, after church,
+in the cellar of a deserted house, and Nicodemus sat on
+the cellar door till toward breakfast-time to make sure
+that the prisoner remembered that if any noise was made,
+some rough treatment would be the consequence.  The cellar
+had two feet of stagnant water in it, and was bottomed
+with six inches of soft mud.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p227"></a><img alt="p227.jpg (49K)" src="images/p227.jpg" height="577" width="541">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>But I wander from the point.  It was the subject of
+skeletons that brought this boy back to my recollection.
+Before a very long time had elapsed, the village smarties
+began to feel an uncomfortable consciousness of not having
+made a very shining success out of their attempts on the
+simpleton from "old Shelby." Experimenters grew scarce
+and chary.  Now the young doctor came to the rescue.
+There was delight and applause when he proposed to scare
+Nicodemus to death, and explained how he was going to do it.
+He had a noble new skeleton&mdash;the skeleton of the late
+and only local celebrity, Jimmy Finn, the village
+drunkard&mdash;a grisly piece of property which he had bought
+of Jimmy Finn himself, at auction, for fifty dollars,
+under great competition, when Jimmy lay very sick in
+the tan-yard a fortnight before his death.  The fifty
+dollars had gone promptly for whiskey and had considerably
+hurried up the change of ownership in the skeleton.
+The doctor would put Jimmy Finn's skeleton in Nicodemus's
+bed!
+
+<p>This was done&mdash;about half past ten in the evening.
+About Nicodemus's usual bedtime&mdash;midnight&mdash;the village
+jokers came creeping stealthily through the jimpson
+weeds and sunflowers toward the lonely frame den.
+They reached the window and peeped in.  There sat the
+long-legged pauper, on his bed, in a very short shirt,
+and nothing more; he was dangling his legs contentedly
+back and forth, and wheezing the music of "Camptown Races"
+out of a paper-overlaid comb which he was pressing
+against his mouth; by him lay a new jewsharp, a new top,
+and solid india-rubber ball, a handful of painted marbles,
+five pounds of "store" candy, and a well-gnawed slab of
+gingerbread as big and as thick as a volume of sheet-music.
+He had sold the skeleton to a traveling quack for three
+dollars and was enjoying the result!
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p228"></a><img alt="p228.jpg (16K)" src="images/p228.jpg" height="397" width="309">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>Just as we had finished talking about skeletons and were
+drifting into the subject of fossils, Harris and I heard
+a shout, and glanced up the steep hillside.  We saw men
+and women standing away up there looking frightened,
+and there was a bulky object tumbling and floundering
+down the steep slope toward us.  We got out of the way,
+and when the object landed in the road it proved to be a boy.
+He had tripped and fallen, and there was nothing for him
+to do but trust to luck and take what might come.
+
+<p>When one starts to roll down a place like that, there is
+no stopping till the bottom is reached.  Think of people
+FARMING on a slant which is so steep that the best you can
+say of it&mdash;if you want to be fastidiously accurate&mdash;is,
+that it is a little steeper than a ladder and not quite
+so steep as a mansard roof.  But that is what they do.
+Some of the little farms on the hillside opposite Heidelberg
+were stood up "edgeways." The boy was wonderfully jolted up,
+and his head was bleeding, from cuts which it had got from
+small stones on the way.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p229"></a><img alt="p229.jpg (16K)" src="images/p229.jpg" height="329" width="341">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>Harris and I gathered him up and set him on a stone,
+and by that time the men and women had scampered down
+and brought his cap.
+
+<p>Men, women, and children flocked out from neighboring
+cottages and joined the crowd; the pale boy was petted,
+and stared at, and commiserated, and water was
+brought for him to drink and bathe his bruises in.
+And such another clatter of tongues! All who had seen
+the catastrophe were describing it at once, and each
+trying to talk louder than his neighbor; and one youth
+of a superior genius ran a little way up the hill,
+called attention, tripped, fell, rolled down among us,
+and thus triumphantly showed exactly how the thing had been done.
+
+<p>
+Harris and I were included in all the descriptions;
+how we were coming along; how Hans Gross shouted;
+how we looked up startled; how we saw Peter coming like
+a cannon-shot; how judiciously we got out of the way,
+and let him come; and with what presence of mind we
+picked him up and brushed him off and set him on a rock
+when the performance was over.  We were as much heroes
+as anybody else, except Peter, and were so recognized;
+we were taken with Peter and the populace to Peter's
+mother's cottage, and there we ate bread and cheese,
+and drank milk and beer with everybody, and had a most
+sociable good time; and when we left we had a handshake
+all around, and were receiving and shouting back LEB'
+WOHL's until a turn in the road separated us from our
+cordial and kindly new friends forever.
+
+<p>We accomplished our undertaking.  At half past eight
+in the evening we stepped into Oppenau, just eleven
+hours and a half out of Allerheiligen&mdash;one hundred
+and forty-six miles.  This is the distance by pedometer;
+the guide-book and the Imperial Ordinance maps make
+it only ten and a quarter&mdash;a surprising blunder,
+for these two authorities are usually singularly accurate
+in the matter of distances.
+
+
+
+<br><br><br><br><br><br>
+<a name="ch24"></a><center><h2>CHAPTER XXIV</h2>
+<h3>[I Protect the Empress of Germany]</h3></center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+<p>That was a thoroughly satisfactory walk&mdash;and the only
+one we were ever to have which was all the way downhill.
+We took the train next morning and returned to Baden-Baden
+through fearful fogs of dust.  Every seat was crowded, too;
+for it was Sunday, and consequently everybody was taking
+a "pleasure" excursion.  Hot! the sky was an oven&mdash;and
+a sound one, too, with no cracks in it to let in any air.
+An odd time for a pleasure excursion, certainly!
+
+<p>Sunday is the great day on the continent&mdash;the free day,
+the happy day.  One can break the Sabbath in a hundred
+ways without committing any sin.
+
+<p>We do not work on Sunday, because the commandment forbids it;
+the Germans do not work on Sunday, because the commandment
+forbids it.  We rest on Sunday, because the commandment
+requires it; the Germans rest on Sunday because the
+commandment requires it.  But in the definition
+of the word "rest" lies all the difference.  With us,
+its Sunday meaning is, stay in the house and keep still;
+with the Germans its Sunday and week-day meanings seem
+to be the same&mdash;rest the TIRED PART, and never mind the
+other parts of the frame; rest the tired part, and use
+the means best calculated to rest that particular part.
+Thus: If one's duties have kept him in the house all the week,
+it will rest him to be out on Sunday; if his duties
+have required him to read weighty and serious matter all
+the week, it will rest him to read light matter on Sunday;
+if his occupation has busied him with death and funerals
+all the week, it will rest him to go to the theater Sunday
+night and put in two or three hours laughing at a comedy;
+if he is tired with digging ditches or felling trees
+all the week, it will rest him to lie quiet in the house
+on Sunday; if the hand, the arm, the brain, the tongue,
+or any other member, is fatigued with inanition,
+it is not to be rested by addeding a day's inanition;
+but if a member is fatigued with exertion, inanition is
+the right rest for it.  Such is the way in which the Germans
+seem to define the word "rest"; that is to say, they rest
+a member by recreating, recuperating, restoring its forces.
+But our definition is less broad.  We all rest alike
+on Sunday&mdash;by secluding ourselves and keeping still,
+whether that is the surest way to rest the most of us
+or not.  The Germans make the actors, the preachers,
+etc., work on Sunday.  We encourage the preachers,
+the editors, the printers, etc., to work on Sunday,
+and imagine that none of the sin of it falls upon us;
+but I do not know how we are going to get around the fact
+that if it is wrong for the printer to work at his trade
+on Sunday it must be equally wrong for the preacher to
+work at his, since the commandment has made no exception
+in his favor.  We buy Monday morning's paper and read it,
+and thus encourage Sunday printing.  But I shall never do
+it again.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p232"></a><img alt="p232.jpg (20K)" src="images/p232.jpg" height="401" width="253">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>The Germans remember the Sabbath-day to keep it holy,
+by abstaining from work, as commanded; we keep it
+holy by abstaining from work, as commanded, and by
+also abstaining from play, which is not commanded.
+Perhaps we constructively BREAK the command to rest,
+because the resting we do is in most cases only a name,
+and not a fact.
+
+<p>These reasonings have sufficed, in a measure, to mend
+the rent in my conscience which I made by traveling to
+Baden-Baden that Sunday.  We arrived in time to furbish
+up and get to the English church before services began.
+We arrived in considerable style, too, for the landlord
+had ordered the first carriage that could be found,
+since there was no time to lose, and our coachman was
+so splendidly liveried that we were probably mistaken
+for a brace of stray dukes; why else were we honored
+with a pew all to ourselves, away up among the very elect
+at the left of the chancel? That was my first thought.
+In the pew directly in front of us sat an elderly lady,
+plainly and cheaply dressed; at her side sat a young
+lady with a very sweet face, and she also was quite
+simply dressed; but around us and about us were clothes
+and jewels which it would do anybody's heart good to
+worship in.
+
+<p>I thought it was pretty manifest that the elderly lady
+was embarrassed at finding herself in such a conspicuous
+place arrayed in such cheap apparel; I began to feel sorry
+for her and troubled about her.  She tried to seem very busy
+with her prayer-book and her responses, and unconscious
+that she was out of place, but I said to myself, "She is
+not succeeding&mdash;there is a distressed tremulousness
+in her voice which betrays increasing embarrassment."
+Presently the Savior's name was mentioned, and in her flurry
+she lost her head completely, and rose and courtesied,
+instead of making a slight nod as everybody else did.
+The sympathetic blood surged to my temples and I turned and gave
+those fine birds what I intended to be a beseeching look,
+but my feelings got the better of me and changed it into
+a look which said, "If any of you pets of fortune laugh
+at this poor soul, you will deserve to be flayed for it."
+Things went from bad to worse, and I shortly found myself
+mentally taking the unfriended lady under my protection.
+My mind was wholly upon her.  I forgot all about the sermon.
+Her embarrassment took stronger and stronger hold upon her;
+she got to snapping the lid of her smelling-bottle&mdash;it
+made a loud, sharp sound, but in her trouble she snapped
+and snapped away, unconscious of what she was doing.
+The last extremity was reached when the collection-plate
+began its rounds; the moderate people threw in pennies,
+the nobles and the rich contributed silver, but she laid
+a twenty-mark gold piece upon the book-rest before her
+with a sounding slap! I said to myself, "She has parted
+with all her little hoard to buy the consideration of these
+unpitying people&mdash;it is a sorrowful spectacle." I did not
+venture to look around this time; but as the service closed,
+I said to myself, "Let them laugh, it is their opportunity;
+but at the door of this church they shall see her step
+into our fine carriage with us, and our gaudy coachman
+shall drive her home."
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p234"></a><img alt="p234.jpg (54K)" src="images/p234.jpg" height="481" width="529">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>Then she rose&mdash;and all the congregation stood while she
+walked down the aisle.  She was the Empress of Germany!
+
+<p>No&mdash;she had not been so much embarrassed as I had supposed.
+My imagination had got started on the wrong scent, and that
+is always hopeless; one is sure, then, to go straight
+on misinterpreting everything, clear through to the end.
+The young lady with her imperial Majesty was a maid of
+honor&mdash;and I had been taking her for one of her boarders,
+all the time.
+
+<p>This is the only time I have ever had an Empress under
+my personal protection; and considering my inexperience,
+I wonder I got through with it so well.  I should have
+been a little embarrassed myself if I had known earlier
+what sort of a contract I had on my hands.
+
+<p>We found that the Empress had been in Baden-Baden
+several days.  It is said that she never attends
+any but the English form of church service.
+
+<p>I lay abed and read and rested from my journey's fatigues
+the remainder of that Sunday, but I sent my agent to represent
+me at the afternoon service, for I never allow anything
+to interfere with my habit of attending church twice every
+Sunday.
+
+<p>There was a vast crowd in the public grounds that night
+to hear the band play the "Fremersberg." This piece tells
+one of the old legends of the region; how a great noble
+of the Middle Ages got lost in the mountains, and wandered
+about with his dogs in a violent storm, until at last
+the faint tones of a monastery bell, calling the monks
+to a midnight service, caught his ear, and he followed
+the direction the sounds came from and was saved.
+A beautiful air ran through the music, without ceasing,
+sometimes loud and strong, sometimes so soft that it
+could hardly be distinguished&mdash;but it was always there;
+it swung grandly along through the shrill whistling
+of the storm-wind, the rattling patter of the rain,
+and the boom and crash of the thunder; it wound soft
+and low through the lesser sounds, the distant ones,
+such as the throbbing of the convent bell, the melodious
+winding of the hunter's horn, the distressed bayings
+of his dogs, and the solemn chanting of the monks;
+it rose again, with a jubilant ring, and mingled itself
+with the country songs and dances of the peasants assembled
+in the convent hall to cheer up the rescued huntsman
+while he ate his supper.  The instruments imitated all
+these sounds with a marvelous exactness.  More than one
+man started to raise his umbrella when the storm burst
+forth and the sheets of mimic rain came driving by;
+it was hardly possible to keep from putting your hand
+to your hat when the fierce wind began to rage and shriek;
+and it was NOT possible to refrain from starting when
+those sudden and charmingly real thunder-crashes were
+let loose.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p236"></a><img alt="p236.jpg (54K)" src="images/p236.jpg" height="579" width="527">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>I suppose the "Fremersberg" is a very low-grade music;
+I know, indeed, that it MUST be low-grade music, because it
+delighted me, warmed me, moved me, stirred me, uplifted me,
+enraptured me, that I was full of cry all the time,
+and mad with enthusiasm.  My soul had never had such a
+scouring out since I was born.  The solemn and majestic
+chanting of the monks was not done by instruments,
+but by men's voices; and it rose and fell, and rose again
+in that rich confusion of warring sounds, and pulsing bells,
+and the stately swing of that ever-present enchanting air,
+and it seemed to me that nothing but the very lowest
+of low-grade music COULD be so divinely beautiful.
+The great crowd which the "Fremersberg" had called out was
+another evidence that it was low-grade music; for only
+the few are educated up to a point where high-grade music
+gives pleasure.  I have never heard enough classic music
+to be able to enjoy it.  I dislike the opera because I want
+to love it and can't.
+
+<p>I suppose there are two kinds of music&mdash;one kind which
+one feels, just as an oyster might, and another sort
+which requires a higher faculty, a faculty which must
+be assisted and developed by teaching.  Yet if base music
+gives certain of us wings, why should we want any other?
+But we do.  We want it because the higher and better
+like it.  We want it without giving it the necessary
+time and trouble; so we climb into that upper tier,
+that dress-circle, by a lie; we PRETEND we like it.
+I know several of that sort of people&mdash;and I propose
+to be one of them myself when I get home with my fine
+European education.
+
+<p>And then there is painting.  What a red rag is to a bull,
+Turner's "Slave Ship" was to me, before I studied art.
+Mr. Ruskin is educated in art up to a point where that
+picture throws him into as mad an ecstasy of pleasure
+as it used to throw me into one of rage, last year,
+when I was ignorant.  His cultivation enables him&mdash;and me,
+now&mdash;to see water in that glaring yellow mud, and natural
+effects in those lurid explosions of mixed smoke and flame,
+and crimson sunset glories; it reconciles him&mdash;and me,
+now&mdash;to the floating of iron cable-chains and other
+unfloatable things; it reconciles us to fishes swimming
+around on top of the mud&mdash;I mean the water.  The most of
+the picture is a manifest impossibility&mdash;that is to say,
+a lie; and only rigid cultivation can enable a man to find
+truth in a lie.  But it enabled Mr. Ruskin to do it,
+and it has enabled me to do it, and I am thankful for it.
+A Boston newspaper reporter went and took a look at the Slave
+Ship floundering about in that fierce conflagration of reds
+and yellows, and said it reminded him of a tortoise-shell
+cat having a fit in a platter of tomatoes.  In my then
+uneducated state, that went home to my non-cultivation,
+and I thought here is a man with an unobstructed eye.
+Mr. Ruskin would have said: This person is an ass.
+That is what I would say, now.
+
+<blockquote><blockquote>
+    Months after this was written, I happened into the National
+    Gallery in London, and soon became so fascinated with the
+    Turner pictures that I could hardly get away from the place.
+    I went there often, afterward, meaning to see the rest
+    of the gallery, but the Turner spell was too strong;
+    it could not be shaken off.  However, the Turners
+    which attracted me most did not remind me of the Slave Ship.
+</blockquote></blockquote>
+
+<p>However, our business in Baden-Baden this time,
+was to join our courier.  I had thought it best
+to hire one, as we should be in Italy, by and by,
+and we did not know the language.  Neither did he.
+We found him at the hotel, ready to take charge of us.
+I asked him if he was "all fixed." He said he was.
+That was very true.  He had a trunk, two small satchels,
+and an umbrella.  I was to pay him fifty-five dollars
+a month and railway fares.  On the continent the railway
+fare on a trunk is about the same it is on a man.
+Couriers do not have to pay any board and lodging.
+This seems a great saving to the tourist&mdash;at first.
+It does not occur to the tourist that SOMEBODY pays that
+man's board and lodging.  It occurs to him by and by,
+however, in one of his lucid moments.
+
+
+<br><br><br><br><br><br>
+<a name="ch25"></a><center><h2>CHAPTER XXV</h2>
+<h3>[Hunted by the Little Chamois]</h3></center>
+<br><br>
+
+<br><br>
+<center><a name="p238"></a><img alt="p238.jpg (87K)" src="images/p238.jpg" height="472" width="651">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>Next morning we left in the train for Switzerland,
+and reached Lucerne about ten o'clock at night.
+The first discovery I made was that the beauty of the lake
+had not been exaggerated.  Within a day or two I made
+another discovery.  This was, that the lauded chamois
+is not a wild goat; that it is not a horned animal;
+that it is not shy; that it does not avoid human society;
+and that there is no peril in hunting it.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p242"></a><img alt="p242.jpg (38K)" src="images/p242.jpg" height="345" width="545">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>The chamois is
+a black or brown creature no bigger than a mustard seed;
+you do not have to go after it, it comes after you;
+it arrives in vast herds and skips and scampers all over
+your body, inside your clothes; thus it is not shy,
+but extremely sociable; it is not afraid of man, on the
+contrary, it will attack him; its bite is not dangerous,
+but neither is it pleasant; its activity has not been
+overstated &mdash;if you try to put your finger on it,
+it will skip a thousand times its own length at one jump,
+and no eye is sharp enough to see where it lights.
+A great deal of romantic nonsense has been written
+about the Swiss chamois and the perils of hunting it,
+whereas the truth is that even women and children
+hunt it, and fearlessly; indeed, everybody hunts it;
+the hunting is going on all the time, day and night,
+in bed and out of it.  It is poetic foolishness to hunt
+it with a gun; very few people do that; there is not
+one man in a million who can hit it with a gun.
+It is much easier to catch it than it is to shoot it,
+and only the experienced chamois-hunter can do either.
+Another common piece of exaggeration is that about the
+"scarcity" of the chamois.  It is the reverse of scarce.
+Droves of one hundred million chamois are not unusual
+in the Swiss hotels.  Indeed, they are so numerous
+as to be a great pest.  The romancers always dress up
+the chamois-hunter in a fanciful and picturesque costume,
+whereas the best way to hunt this game is to do it without
+any costume at all.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p243"></a><img alt="p243.jpg (109K)" src="images/p243.jpg" height="937" width="563">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>The article of commerce called
+chamois-skin is another fraud; nobody could skin a chamois,
+it is too small.  The creature is a humbug in every way,
+and everything which has been written about it is
+sentimental exaggeration.  It was no pleasure to me to find
+the chamois out, for he had been one of my pet illusions;
+all my life it had been my dream to see him in his native
+wilds some day, and engage in the adventurous sport
+of chasing him from cliff to cliff.  It is no pleasure
+to me to expose him, now, and destroy the reader's delight
+in him and respect for him, but still it must be done,
+for when an honest writer discovers an imposition it
+is his simple duty to strip it bare and hurl it down
+from its place of honor, no matter who suffers by it;
+any other course would render him unworthy of the public
+confidence.
+
+<p>Lucerne is a charming place.  It begins at the water's edge,
+with a fringe of hotels, and scrambles up and spreads
+itself over two or three sharp hills in a crowded,
+disorderly, but picturesque way, offering to the eye
+a heaped-up confusion of red roofs, quaint gables,
+dormer windows, toothpick steeples, with here and there
+a bit of ancient embattled wall bending itself over
+the ridges, worm-fashion, and here and there an old square
+tower of heavy masonry.  And also here and there a town
+clock with only one hand&mdash;a hand which stretches across
+the dial and has no joint in it; such a clock helps out
+the picture, but you cannot tell the time of day by it.
+Between the curving line of hotels and the lake is a broad
+avenue with lamps and a double rank of low shade trees.
+The lake-front is walled with masonry like a pier,
+and has a railing, to keep people from walking overboard.
+All day long the vehicles dash along the avenue, and nurses,
+children, and tourists sit in the shade of the trees,
+or lean on the railing and watch the schools of fishes
+darting about in the clear water, or gaze out over the lake
+at the stately border of snow-hooded mountain peaks.
+Little pleasure steamers, black with people, are coming
+and going all the time; and everywhere one sees young
+girls and young men paddling about in fanciful rowboats,
+or skimming along by the help of sails when there is any wind.
+The front rooms of the hotels have little railed balconies,
+where one may take his private luncheon in calm,
+cool comfort and look down upon this busy and pretty
+scene and enjoy it without having to do any of the work
+connected with it.
+
+<p>Most of the people, both male and female, are in walking
+costume, and carry alpenstocks.  Evidently, it is not
+considered safe to go about in Switzerland, even in town,
+without an alpenstock.  If the tourist forgets and
+comes down to breakfast without his alpenstock he goes
+back and gets it, and stands it up in the corner.
+When his touring in Switzerland is finished, he does not
+throw that broomstick away, but lugs it home with him,
+to the far corners of the earth, although this costs him
+more trouble and bother than a baby or a courier could.
+You see, the alpenstock is his trophy; his name
+is burned upon it; and if he has climbed a hill,
+or jumped a brook, or traversed a brickyard with it,
+he has the names of those places burned upon it, too.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p246"></a><img alt="p246.jpg (39K)" src="images/p246.jpg" height="519" width="415">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>Thus it is his regimental flag, so to speak, and bears
+the record of his achievements.  It is worth three francs
+when he buys it, but a bonanza could not purchase it
+after his great deeds have been inscribed upon it.
+There are artisans all about Switzerland whose trade it is
+to burn these things upon the alpenstock of the tourist.
+And observe, a man is respected in Switzerland according
+to his alpenstock.  I found I could get no attention there,
+while I carried an unbranded one.  However, branding is
+not expected, so I soon remedied that.  The effect
+upon the next detachment of tourists was very marked.
+I felt repaid for my trouble.
+
+<p>Half of the summer horde in Switzerland is made up of
+English people; the other half is made up of many nationalities,
+the Germans leading and the Americans coming next.
+The Americans were not as numerous as I had expected
+they would be.
+
+<p>The seven-thirty table d'hôte at the great Schweitzerhof
+furnished a mighty array and variety of nationalities,
+but it offered a better opportunity to observe costumes
+than people, for the multitude sat at immensely long tables,
+and therefore the faces were mainly seen in perspective;
+but the breakfasts were served at small round tables,
+and then if one had the fortune to get a table in the
+midst of the assemblage he could have as many faces
+to study as he could desire.  We used to try to guess out
+the nationalities, and generally succeeded tolerably well.
+Sometimes we tried to guess people's names; but that was
+a failure; that is a thing which probably requires a good
+deal of practice.  We presently dropped it and gave our
+efforts to less difficult particulars.  One morning I
+said:
+
+<p>"There is an American party."
+
+<p>Harris said:
+
+<p>"Yes&mdash;but name the state."
+
+<p>I named one state, Harris named another.  We agreed upon
+one thing, however&mdash;that the young girl with the party
+was very beautiful, and very tastefully dressed.
+But we disagreed as to her age.  I said she was eighteen,
+Harris said she was twenty.  The dispute between us
+waxed warm, and I finally said, with a pretense of being
+in earnest:
+
+<p>"Well, there is one way to settle the matter&mdash;I will go
+and ask her."
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p247"></a><img alt="p247.jpg (13K)" src="images/p247.jpg" height="363" width="273">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+
+<p>Harris said, sarcastically, "Certainly, that is the thing
+to do.  All you need to do is to use the common formula
+over here: go and say, 'I'm an American!' Of course she
+will be glad to see you."
+
+<p>Then he hinted that perhaps there was no great danger
+of my venturing to speak to her.
+
+<p>I said, "I was only talking&mdash;I didn't intend to approach her,
+but I see that you do not know what an intrepid person
+I am.  I am not afraid of any woman that walks.
+I will go and speak to this young girl."
+
+<p>The thing I had in my mind was not difficult.
+I meant to address her in the most respectful way and ask
+her to pardon me if her strong resemblance to a former
+acquaintance of mine was deceiving me; and when she should
+reply that the name I mentioned was not the name she bore,
+I meant to beg pardon again, most respectfully, and retire.
+There would be no harm done.  I walked to her table,
+bowed to the gentleman, then turned to her and was about
+to begin my little speech when she exclaimed:
+
+<p>"I KNEW I wasn't mistaken&mdash;I told John it was you!
+John said it probably wasn't, but I knew I was right.
+I said you would recognize me presently and come over;
+and I'm glad you did, for I shouldn't have felt much flattered
+if you had gone out of this room without recognizing me.
+Sit down, sit down&mdash;how odd it is&mdash;you are the last person I
+was ever expecting to see again."
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p249"></a><img alt="p249.jpg (51K)" src="images/p249.jpg" height="511" width="587">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>This was a stupefying surprise.  It took my wits
+clear away, for an instant.  However, we shook hands
+cordially all around, and I sat down.  But truly this
+was the tightest place I ever was in.  I seemed to vaguely
+remember the girl's face, now, but I had no idea where I
+had seen it before, or what name belonged with it.
+I immediately tried to get up a diversion about Swiss scenery,
+to keep her from launching into topics that might
+betray that I did not know her, but it was of no use,
+she went right along upon matters which interested her more:
+
+<p>"Oh dear, what a night that was, when the sea washed
+the forward boats away&mdash;do you remember it?"
+
+<p>"Oh, DON'T I!" said I&mdash;but I didn't. I wished the sea
+had washed the rudder and the smoke-stack and the captain
+away&mdash;then I could have located this questioner.
+
+<p>"And don't you remember how frightened poor Mary was,
+and how she cried?"
+
+<p>"Indeed I do!" said I. "Dear me, how it all comes back!"
+
+<p>I fervently wished it WOULD come back&mdash;but my memory was
+a blank.  The wise way would have been to frankly own up;
+but I could not bring myself to do that, after the young
+girl had praised me so for recognizing her; so I went on,
+deeper and deeper into the mire, hoping for a chance clue
+but never getting one.  The Unrecognizable continued,
+with vivacity:
+
+<p>"Do you know, George married Mary, after all?"
+
+<p>"Why, no! Did he?"
+
+<p>"Indeed he did.  He said he did not believe she was half
+as much to blame as her father was, and I thought he
+was right.  Didn't you?"
+
+<p>"Of course he was.  It was a perfectly plain case.
+I always said so."
+
+<p>"Why, no you didn't!&mdash;at least that summer."
+
+<p>"Oh, no, not that summer.  No, you are perfectly right
+about that.  It was the following winter that I said it."
+
+<p>"Well, as it turned out, Mary was not in the least
+to blame &mdash;it was all her father's fault&mdash;at least
+his and old Darley's."
+
+<p>It was necessary to say something&mdash;so I said:
+
+<p>"I always regarded Darley as a troublesome old thing."
+
+<p>"So he was, but then they always had a great affection
+for him, although he had so many eccentricities.
+You remember that when the weather was the least cold,
+he would try to come into the house."
+
+<p>I was rather afraid to proceed.  Evidently Darley was not
+a man&mdash;he must be some other kind of animal&mdash;possibly
+a dog, maybe an elephant.  However, tails are common
+to all animals, so I ventured to say:
+
+<p>"And what a tail he had!"
+
+<p>"ONE! He had a thousand!"
+
+<p>This was bewildering.  I did not quite know what to say,
+so I only said:
+
+<p>"Yes, he WAS rather well fixed in the matter of tails."
+
+<p>"For a negro, and a crazy one at that, I should say he was,"
+said she.
+
+<p>It was getting pretty sultry for me.  I said to myself,
+"Is it possible she is going to stop there, and wait for
+me to speak? If she does, the conversation is blocked.
+A negro with a thousand tails is a topic which a person
+cannot talk upon fluently and instructively without more
+or less preparation.  As to diving rashly into such a
+vast subject&mdash;"
+
+<p>But here, to my gratitude, she interrupted my thoughts
+by saying:
+
+<p>"Yes, when it came to tales of his crazy woes, there was
+simply no end to them if anybody would listen.  His own
+quarters were comfortable enough, but when the weather
+was cold, the family were sure to have his company&mdash;nothing
+could keep him out of the house.  But they always bore it
+kindly because he had saved Tom's life, years before.
+You remember Tom?
+
+<p>"Oh, perfectly.  Fine fellow he was, too."
+
+<p>"Yes he was.  And what a pretty little thing his child was!"
+
+<p>"You may well say that.  I never saw a prettier child."
+
+<p>"I used to delight to pet it and dandle it and play
+with it."
+
+<p>"So did I."
+
+<p>"You named it.  What WAS that name? I can't call it
+to mind."
+
+<p>It appeared to me that the ice was getting pretty
+thin, here.  I would have given something to know
+what the child's was.  However, I had the good luck
+to think of a name that would fit either sex&mdash;so I brought it
+out:
+
+<p>"I named it Frances."
+
+<p>"From a relative, I suppose? But you named the one that died,
+too&mdash;one that I never saw.  What did you call that one?"
+
+<p>I was out of neutral names, but as the child was dead
+and she had never seen it, I thought I might risk a name
+for it and trust to luck.  Therefore I said:
+
+<p>"I called that one Thomas Henry."
+
+<p>She said, musingly:
+
+<p>"That is very singular ... very singular."
+
+<p>I sat still and let the cold sweat run down.  I was
+in a good deal of trouble, but I believed I could worry
+through if she wouldn't ask me to name any more children.
+I wondered where the lightning was going to strike next.
+She was still ruminating over that last child's title,
+but presently she said:
+
+<p>"I have always been sorry you were away at the time&mdash;I
+would have had you name my child."
+
+<p>"YOUR child! Are you married?"
+
+<p>"I have been married thirteen years."
+
+<p>"Christened, you mean."
+
+<p>`"No, married.  The youth by your side is my son."
+
+<p>"It seems incredible&mdash;even impossible.  I do not mean
+any harm by it, but would you mind telling me if you
+are any over eighteen?&mdash;that is to say, will you tell
+me how old you are?"
+
+<p>"I was just nineteen the day of the storm we were
+talking about.  That was my birthday."
+
+<p>That did not help matters, much, as I did not know
+the date of the storm.  I tried to think of some
+non-committal thing to say, to keep up my end of the talk,
+and render my poverty in the matter of reminiscences
+as little noticeable as possible, but I seemed to be
+about out of non-committal things.  I was about to say,
+"You haven't changed a bit since then"&mdash;but that was risky.
+I thought of saying, "You have improved ever so much
+since then"&mdash;but that wouldn't answer, of course.
+I was about to try a shy at the weather, for a saving change,
+when the girl slipped in ahead of me and said:
+
+<p>"How I have enjoyed this talk over those happy old
+times&mdash;haven't you?"
+
+<p>"I never have spent such a half-hour in all my life before!"
+said I, with emotion; and I could have added, with a
+near approach to truth, "and I would rather be scalped
+than spend another one like it." I was holily grateful
+to be through with the ordeal, and was about to make
+my good-bys and get out, when the girl said:
+
+<p>"But there is one thing that is ever so puzzling to me."
+
+<p>"Why, what is that?"
+
+<p>"That dead child's name.  What did you say it was?"
+
+<p>Here was another balmy place to be in: I had forgotten the
+child's name; I hadn't imagined it would be needed again.
+However, I had to pretend to know, anyway, so I said:
+
+<p>"Joseph William."
+
+<p>The youth at my side corrected me, and said:
+
+<p>"No, Thomas Henry."
+
+<p>I thanked him&mdash;in words&mdash;and said, with trepidation:
+
+<p>"O yes&mdash;I was thinking of another child that I named&mdash;I
+have named a great many, and I get them confused&mdash;this
+one was named Henry Thompson&mdash;"
+
+<p>"Thomas Henry," calmly interposed the boy.
+
+<p>I thanked him again&mdash;strictly in words&mdash;and stammered
+out:
+
+<p>"Thomas Henry&mdash;yes, Thomas Henry was the poor child's name.
+I named him for Thomas&mdash;er&mdash;Thomas Carlyle, the great author,
+you know&mdash;and Henry&mdash;er&mdash;er&mdash;Henry the Eighth.  The parents
+were very grateful to have a child named Thomas Henry."
+
+<p>"That makes it more singular than ever," murmured my
+beautiful friend.
+
+<p>"Does it? Why?"
+
+<p>"Because when the parents speak of that child now,
+they always call it Susan Amelia."
+
+<p>That spiked my gun.  I could not say anything.  I was entirely
+out of verbal obliquities; to go further would be to lie,
+and that I would not do; so I simply sat still and
+suffered&mdash;sat mutely and resignedly there, and sizzled&mdash;for I
+was being slowly fried to death in my own blushes.
+Presently the enemy laughed a happy laugh and said:
+
+<p>"I HAVE enjoyed this talk over old times, but you have not.
+I saw very soon that you were only pretending to know me,
+and so as I had wasted a compliment on you in the beginning,
+I made up my mind to punish you.  And I have succeeded
+pretty well.  I was glad to see that you knew George and Tom
+and Darley, for I had never heard of them before and therefore
+could not be sure that you had; and I was glad to learn
+the names of those imaginary children, too.  One can get
+quite a fund of information out of you if one goes at
+it cleverly.  Mary and the storm, and the sweeping away
+of the forward boats, were facts&mdash;all the rest was fiction.
+Mary was my sister; her full name was Mary &mdash;&mdash;&mdash;. NOW
+do you remember me?"
+
+<p>"Yes," I said, "I do remember you now; and you are as
+hard-headed as you were thirteen years ago in that ship,
+else you wouldn't have punished me so.  You haven't
+changed your nature nor your person, in any way at all;
+you look as young as you did then, you are just as beautiful
+as you were then, and you have transmitted a deal
+of your comeliness to this fine boy.  There&mdash;if that
+speech moves you any, let's fly the flag of truce,
+with the understanding that I am conquered and confess it."
+
+<p>All of which was agreed to and accomplished, on the spot.
+When I went back to Harris, I said:
+
+<p>"Now you see what a person with talent and address can do."
+
+<p>"Excuse me, I see what a person of colossal ignorance and
+simplicity can do.  The idea of your going and intruding
+on a party of strangers, that way, and talking for half
+an hour; why I never heard of a man in his right mind
+doing such a thing before.  What did you say to them?"
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p255"></a><img alt="p255.jpg (20K)" src="images/p255.jpg" height="279" width="387">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>"I never said any harm.  I merely asked the girl what her
+name was."
+
+<p>"I don't doubt it.  Upon my word I don't. I think you
+were capable of it.  It was stupid in me to let you go
+over there and make such an exhibition of yourself.
+But you know I couldn't really believe you would do such
+an inexcusable thing.  What will those people think
+of us? But how did you say it?&mdash;I mean the manner of it.
+I hope you were not abrupt."
+
+<p>"No, I was careful about that.  I said, 'My friend and I
+would like to know what your name is, if you don't mind.'"
+
+<p>"No, that was not abrupt.  There is a polish about it that
+does you infinite credit.  And I am glad you put me in;
+that was a delicate attention which I appreciate at its
+full value.  What did she do?"
+
+<p>"She didn't do anything in particular.  She told me
+her name."
+
+<p>"Simply told you her name.  Do you mean to say she did
+not show any surprise?"
+
+<p>"Well, now I come to think, she did show something;
+maybe it was surprise; I hadn't thought of that&mdash;I took
+it for gratification."
+
+<p>"Oh, undoubtedly you were right; it must have been gratification;
+it could not be otherwise than gratifying to be assaulted
+by a stranger with such a question as that.  Then what did you
+do?"
+
+<p>"I offered my hand and the party gave me a shake."
+
+<p>"I saw it! I did not believe my own eyes, at the time.
+Did the gentleman say anything about cutting your throat?"
+
+<p>"No, they all seemed glad to see me, as far as I could judge."
+
+<p>"And do you know, I believe they were.  I think they said
+to themselves, 'Doubtless this curiosity has got away from
+his keeper&mdash;let us amuse ourselves with him.' There is
+no other way of accounting for their facile docility.
+You sat down.  Did they ASK you to sit down?"
+
+<p>"No, they did not ask me, but I suppose they did not think
+of it."
+
+<p>"You have an unerring instinct.  What else did you do?
+What did you talk about?"
+
+<p>"Well, I asked the girl how old she was."
+
+<p>"UNdoubtedly. Your delicacy is beyond praise.  Go on,
+go on&mdash;don't mind my apparent misery&mdash;I always look
+so when I am steeped in a profound and reverent joy.
+Go on&mdash;she told you her age?"
+
+<p>"Yes, she told me her age, and all about her mother,
+and her grandmother, and her other relations, and all
+about herself."
+
+<p>"Did she volunteer these statistics?"
+
+<p>"No, not exactly that.  I asked the questions and she
+answered them."
+
+<p>"This is divine.  Go on&mdash;it is not possible that you
+forgot to inquire into her politics?"
+
+<p>"No, I thought of that.  She is a democrat, her husband
+is a republican, and both of them are Baptists."
+
+<p>"Her husband? Is that child married?"
+
+<p>"She is not a child.  She is married, and that is her
+husband who is there with her."
+
+<p>"Has she any children."
+
+<p>"Yes&mdash;seven and a half."
+
+<p>"That is impossible."
+
+<p>"No, she has them.  She told me herself."
+
+<p>"Well, but seven and a HALF? How do you make out the half?
+Where does the half come in?"
+
+<p>"There is a child which she had by another
+husband&mdash;not this one but another one&mdash;so it is a stepchild,
+and they do not count in full measure."
+
+<p>"Another husband? Has she another husband?"
+
+<p>"Yes, four.  This one is number four."
+
+<p>"I don't believe a word of it.  It is impossible,
+upon its face.  Is that boy there her brother?"
+
+<p>"No, that is her son.  He is her youngest.  He is not
+as old as he looked; he is only eleven and a half."
+
+<p>"These things are all manifestly impossible.  This is a
+wretched business.  It is a plain case: they simply took
+your measure, and concluded to fill you up.  They seem
+to have succeeded.  I am glad I am not in the mess;
+they may at least be charitable enough to think there
+ain't a pair of us.  Are they going to stay here long?"
+
+<p>"No, they leave before noon."
+
+<p>"There is one man who is deeply grateful for that.
+How did you find out? You asked, I suppose?"
+
+<p>"No, along at first I inquired into their plans, in a
+general way, and they said they were going to be here
+a week, and make trips round about; but toward the end
+of the interview, when I said you and I would tour around
+with them with pleasure, and offered to bring you over
+and introduce you, they hesitated a little, and asked
+if you were from the same establishment that I was.
+I said you were, and then they said they had changed
+their mind and considered it necessary to start at once
+and visit a sick relative in Siberia."
+
+<p>"Ah, me, you struck the summit! You struck the loftiest
+altitude of stupidity that human effort has ever reached.
+You shall have a monument of jackasses' skulls as high
+as the Strasburg spire if you die before I do.
+They wanted to know I was from the same 'establishment'
+that you hailed from, did they? What did they mean by
+'establishment'?"
+
+<p>"I don't know; it never occurred to me to ask."
+
+<p>"Well <i>I</i> know.  They meant an asylum&mdash;an IDIOT asylum,
+do you understand? So they DO think there's a pair of us,
+after all.  Now what do you think of yourself?"
+
+<p>"Well, I don't know.  I didn't know I was doing any harm;
+I didn't MEAN to do any harm.  They were very nice people,
+and they seemed to like me."
+
+<p>Harris made some rude remarks and left for his
+bedroom&mdash;to break some furniture, he said.  He was a singularly
+irascible man; any little thing would disturb his temper.
+
+<p>I had been well scorched by the young woman, but no matter,
+I took it out on Harris.  One should always "get even"
+in some way, else the sore place will go on hurting.
+
+
+
+<br><br>
+<center>
+<a name="p257"></a>
+<img alt="p257 (11K)" src="images/p257.jpg" height="167" width="347" />
+</center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+
+<br><br><br><br><br><br>
+<a name="ch26"></a><center><h2>CHAPTER XXVI</h2>
+<h3>[The Nest of the Cuckoo-clock]</h3></center>
+<br><br>
+
+<p>The Hofkirche is celebrated for its organ concerts.
+All summer long the tourists flock to that church about six
+o'clock in the evening, and pay their franc, and listen
+to the noise.  They don't stay to hear all of it, but get up
+and tramp out over the sounding stone floor, meeting late
+comers who tramp in in a sounding and vigorous way.
+This tramping back and forth is kept up nearly all the time,
+and is accented by the continuous slamming of the door,
+and the coughing and barking and sneezing of the crowd.
+Meantime, the big organ is booming and crashing and
+thundering away, doing its best to prove that it is
+the biggest and best organ in Europe, and that a tight
+little box of a church is the most favorable place
+to average and appreciate its powers in.  It is true,
+there were some soft and merciful passages occasionally,
+but the tramp-tramp of the tourists only allowed one to get
+fitful glimpses of them, so to speak.  Then right away
+the organist would let go another avalanche.
+
+<p>The commerce of Lucerne consists mainly in gimcrackery of the
+souvenir sort; the shops are packed with Alpine crystals,
+photographs of scenery, and wooden and ivory carvings.
+I will not conceal the fact that miniature figures of the
+Lion of Lucerne are to be had in them.  Millions of them.
+But they are libels upon him, every one of them.
+There is a subtle something about the majestic pathos
+of the original which the copyist cannot get.  Even the sun
+fails to get it; both the photographer and the carver give
+you a dying lion, and that is all.  The shape is right,
+the attitude is right, the proportions are right, but that
+indescribable something which makes the Lion of Lucerne
+the most mournful and moving piece of stone in the world,
+is wanting.
+
+<p>The Lion lies in his lair in the perpendicular face of a low
+cliff&mdash;for he is carved from the living rock of the cliff.
+His size is colossal, his attitude is noble.  His head
+is bowed, the broken spear is sticking in his shoulder,
+his protecting paw rests upon the lilies of France.
+Vines hang down the cliff and wave in the wind, and a clear
+stream trickles from above and empties into a pond at the base,
+and in the smooth surface of the pond the lion is mirrored,
+among the water-lilies.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p259"></a><img alt="p259.jpg (59K)" src="images/p259.jpg" height="473" width="559">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>Around about are green trees and grass.  The place is
+a sheltered, reposeful woodland nook, remote from noise
+and stir and confusion&mdash;and all this is fitting, for lions
+do die in such places, and not on granite pedestals
+in public squares fenced with fancy iron railings.
+The Lion of Lucerne would be impressive anywhere,
+but nowhere so impressive as where he is.
+
+<p>Martyrdom is the luckiest fate that can befall some people.
+Louis XVI did not die in his bed, consequently history is
+very gentle with him; she is charitable toward his failings,
+and she finds in him high virtues which are not usually
+considered to be virtues when they are lodged in kings.
+She makes him out to be a person with a meek and modest
+spirit, the heart of a female saint, and a wrong head.
+None of these qualities are kingly but the last.
+Taken together they make a character which would have fared
+harshly at the hands of history if its owner had had the ill
+luck to miss martyrdom.  With the best intentions to do
+the right thing, he always managed to do the wrong one.
+Moreover, nothing could get the female saint out of him.
+He knew, well enough, that in national emergencies he must
+not consider how he ought to act, as a man, but how he
+ought to act as a king; so he honestly tried to sink
+the man and be the king&mdash;but it was a failure, he only
+succeeded in being the female saint.  He was not instant
+in season, but out of season.  He could not be persuaded
+to do a thing while it could do any good&mdash;he was iron,
+he was adamant in his stubbornness then&mdash;but as soon as
+the thing had reached a point where it would be positively
+harmful to do it, do it he would, and nothing could
+stop him.  He did not do it because it would be harmful,
+but because he hoped it was not yet too late to achieve
+by it the good which it would have done if applied earlier.
+His comprehension was always a train or two behindhand.
+If a national toe required amputating, he could not see
+that it needed anything more than poulticing; when others
+saw that the mortification had reached the knee, he first
+perceived that the toe needed cutting off&mdash;so he cut it off;
+and he severed the leg at the knee when others saw that the
+disease had reached the thigh.  He was good, and honest,
+and well meaning, in the matter of chasing national diseases,
+but he never could overtake one.  As a private man,
+he would have been lovable; but viewed as a king, he was
+strictly contemptible.
+
+<p>His was a most unroyal career, but the most pitiable
+spectacle in it was his sentimental treachery to his
+Swiss guard on that memorable 10th of August, when he
+allowed those heroes to be massacred in his cause,
+and forbade them to shed the "sacred French blood"
+purporting to be flowing in the veins of the red-capped
+mob of miscreants that was raging around the palace.
+He meant to be kingly, but he was only the female saint
+once more.  Some of his biographers think that upon this
+occasion the spirit of Saint Louis had descended upon him.
+It must have found pretty cramped quarters.  If Napoleon
+the First had stood in the shoes of Louis XVI that day,
+instead of being merely a casual and unknown looker-on,
+there would be no Lion of Lucerne, now, but there would
+be a well-stocked Communist graveyard in Paris which would
+answer just as well to remember the 10th of August by.
+
+<p>Martyrdom made a saint of Mary Queen of Scots three
+hundred years ago, and she has hardly lost all of her
+saintship yet.  Martyrdom made a saint of the trivial
+and foolish Marie Antoinette, and her biographers still
+keep her fragrant with the odor of sanctity to this day,
+while unconsciously proving upon almost every page they write
+that the only calamitous instinct which her husband lacked,
+she supplied&mdash;the instinct to root out and get rid of
+an honest, able, and loyal official, wherever she found him.
+The hideous but beneficent French Revolution would have
+been deferred, or would have fallen short of completeness,
+or even might not have happened at all, if Marie
+Antoinette had made the unwise mistake of not being born.
+The world owes a great deal to the French Revolution,
+and consequently to its two chief promoters, Louis the
+Poor in Spirit and his queen.
+
+<p>We did not buy any wooden images of the Lion, nor any ivory
+or ebony or marble or chalk or sugar or chocolate ones,
+or even any photographic slanders of him.  The truth is,
+these copies were so common, so universal, in the shops
+and everywhere, that they presently became as intolerable
+to the wearied eye as the latest popular melody usually
+becomes to the harassed ear.  In Lucerne, too, the wood
+carvings of other sorts, which had been so pleasant to look
+upon when one saw them occasionally at home, soon began
+to fatigue us.  We grew very tired of seeing wooden quails
+and chickens picking and strutting around clock-faces,
+and still more tired of seeing wooden images of the alleged
+chamois skipping about wooden rocks, or lying upon them
+in family groups, or peering alertly up from behind them.
+The first day, I would have bought a hundred and fifty
+of these clocks if I had the money&mdash;and I did buy
+three&mdash;but on the third day the disease had run its course,
+I had convalesced, and was in the market once more&mdash;trying
+to sell.  However, I had no luck; which was just as well,
+for the things will be pretty enough, no doubt, when I get
+them home.
+
+<p>For years my pet aversion had been the cuckoo clock;
+now here I was, at last, right in the creature's home;
+so wherever I went that distressing "HOO'hoo! HOO'hoo!
+HOO'hoo!" was always in my ears.  For a nervous man,
+this was a fine state of things.  Some sounds are hatefuler
+than others, but no sound is quite so inane, and silly,
+and aggravating as the "HOO'hoo" of a cuckoo clock, I think.
+I bought one, and am carrying it home to a certain person;
+for I have always said that if the opportunity ever happened,
+I would do that man an ill turn.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p262"></a><img alt="p262.jpg (31K)" src="images/p262.jpg" height="323" width="561">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>What I meant, was, that I
+would break one of his legs, or something of that sort;
+but in Lucerne I instantly saw that I could impair his mind.
+That would be more lasting, and more satisfactory every way.
+So I bought the cuckoo clock; and if I ever get home
+with it, he is "my meat," as they say in the mines.
+I thought of another candidate&mdash;a book-reviewer whom
+I could name if I wanted to&mdash;but after thinking
+it over, I didn't buy him a clock.  I couldn't injure
+his mind.
+
+<p>We visited the two long, covered wooden bridges which span
+the green and brilliant Reuss just below where it goes
+plunging and hurrahing out of the lake.  These rambling,
+sway-backed tunnels are very attractive things, with their
+alcoved outlooks upon the lovely and inspiriting water.
+They contain two or three hundred queer old pictures,
+by old Swiss masters&mdash;old boss sign-painters, who flourished
+before the decadence of art.
+
+<p>The lake is alive with fishes, plainly visible to the eye,
+for the water is very clear.  The parapets in front of the
+hotels were usually fringed with fishers of all ages.
+One day I thought I would stop and see a fish caught.
+The result brought back to my mind, very forcibly,
+a circumstance which I had not thought of before for
+twelve years.  This one:
+
+<p>THE MAN WHO PUT UP AT GADSBY'S
+
+<p>When my odd friend Riley and I were newspaper correspondents
+in Washington, in the winter of '67, we were coming down
+Pennsylvania Avenue one night, near midnight, in a driving
+storm of snow, when the flash of a street-lamp fell upon a man
+who was eagerly tearing along in the opposite direction.
+"This is lucky! You are Mr. Riley, ain't you?"
+
+<p>Riley was the most self-possessed and solemnly deliberate
+person in the republic.  He stopped, looked his man
+over from head to foot, and finally said:
+
+<p>"I am Mr. Riley.  Did you happen to be looking for me?"
+
+<p>"That's just what I was doing," said the man, joyously,
+"and it's the biggest luck in the world that I've found you.
+My name is Lykins.  I'm one of the teachers of the high
+school&mdash;San Francisco.  As soon as I heard the San Francisco
+postmastership was vacant, I made up my mind to get it&mdash;and here
+I am."
+
+<p>"Yes," said Riley, slowly, "as you have remarked ...
+Mr. Lykins ... here you are.  And have you got it?"
+
+<p>"Well, not exactly GOT it, but the next thing to it.
+I've brought a petition, signed by the Superintendent
+of Public Instruction, and all the teachers, and by more
+than two hundred other people.  Now I want you, if you'll
+be so good, to go around with me to the Pacific delegation,
+for I want to rush this thing through and get along home."
+
+<p>"If the matter is so pressing, you will prefer that we
+visit the delegation tonight," said Riley, in a voice
+which had nothing mocking in it&mdash;to an unaccustomed ear.
+
+<p>"Oh, tonight, by all means! I haven't got any time to
+fool around.  I want their promise before I go to
+bed&mdash;I ain't the talking kind, I'm the DOING kind!"
+
+<p>"Yes ... you've come to the right place for that.
+When did you arrive?"
+
+<p>"Just an hour ago."
+
+<p>"When are you intending to leave?"
+
+<p>"For New York tomorrow evening&mdash;for San Francisco
+next morning."
+
+<p>"Just so....  What are you going to do tomorrow?"
+
+<p>"DO! Why, I've got to go to the President with the petition
+and the delegation, and get the appointment, haven't I?"
+
+<p>"Yes ... very true ... that is correct.  And then what?"
+
+<p>"Executive session of the Senate at 2 P.M.&mdash;got to get
+the appointment confirmed&mdash;I reckon you'll grant that?"
+
+<p>"Yes ... yes," said Riley, meditatively, "you are
+right again.  Then you take the train for New York in
+the evening, and the steamer for San Francisco next morning?"
+
+<p>"That's it&mdash;that's the way I map it out!"
+
+<p>Riley considered a while, and then said:
+
+<p>"You couldn't stay ... a day ... well, say two
+days longer?"
+
+<p>"Bless your soul, no! It's not my style.  I ain't a man
+to go fooling around&mdash;I'm a man that DOES things,
+I tell you."
+
+<p>The storm was raging, the thick snow blowing in gusts.
+Riley stood silent, apparently deep in a reverie,
+during a minute or more, then he looked up and said:
+
+<p>"Have you ever heard about that man who put up at Gadsby's,
+once? ... But I see you haven't."
+
+<p>He backed Mr. Lykins against an iron fence, buttonholed him,
+fastened him with his eye, like the Ancient Mariner,
+and proceeded to unfold his narrative as placidly
+and peacefully as if we were all stretched comfortably
+in a blossomy summer meadow instead of being persecuted
+by a wintry midnight tempest:
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p265"></a><img alt="p265.jpg (25K)" src="images/p265.jpg" height="475" width="287">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>"I will tell you about that man.  It was in Jackson's time.
+Gadsby's was the principal hotel, then.  Well, this man
+arrived from Tennessee about nine o'clock, one morning,
+with a black coachman and a splendid four-horse carriage and
+an elegant dog, which he was evidently fond of and proud of;
+he drove up before Gadsby's, and the clerk and the landlord
+and everybody rushed out to take charge of him, but he said,
+'Never mind,' and jumped out and told the coachman
+to wait&mdash;
+
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p266a"></a><img alt="p266a.jpg (20K)" src="images/p266a.jpg" height="219" width="579">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>said he hadn't time to take anything to eat,
+he only had a little claim against the government to collect,
+would run across the way, to the Treasury, and fetch
+the money, and then get right along back to Tennessee,
+for he was in considerable of a hurry.
+
+<p>"Well, about eleven o'clock that night he came back
+and ordered a bed and told them to put the horses
+up&mdash;said he would collect the claim in the morning.
+This was in January, you understand&mdash;January,
+1834&mdash;the 3d of January&mdash;Wednesday.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p266b"></a><img alt="p266b.jpg (16K)" src="images/p266b.jpg" height="199" width="581">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>"Well, on the 5th of February, he sold the fine carriage,
+and bought a cheap second-hand one&mdash;said it would answer
+just as well to take the money home in, and he didn't care
+for style.
+
+<p>"On the 11th of August he sold a pair of the fine
+horses&mdash;said he'd often thought a pair was better than four,
+to go over the rough mountain roads with where a body
+had to be careful about his driving&mdash;and there wasn't
+so much of his claim but he could lug the money home
+with a pair easy enough.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p267a"></a><img alt="p267a.jpg (13K)" src="images/p267a.jpg" height="183" width="573">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>"On the 13th of December he sold another horse&mdash;said
+two warn't necessary to drag that old light vehicle
+with&mdash;in fact, one could snatch it along faster than
+was absolutely necessary, now that it was good solid
+winter weather and the roads in splendid condition.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p267b"></a><img alt="p267b.jpg (10K)" src="images/p267b.jpg" height="153" width="547">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>"On the 17th of February, 1835, he sold the old carriage
+and bought a cheap second-hand buggy&mdash;said a buggy
+was just the trick to skim along mushy, slushy early
+spring roads with, and he had always wanted to try
+a buggy on those mountain roads, anyway.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p267c"></a><img alt="p267c.jpg (11K)" src="images/p267c.jpg" height="181" width="579">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>"On the 1st August he sold the buggy and bought the
+remains of an old sulky&mdash;said he just wanted to see
+those green Tennesseans stare and gawk when they saw
+him come a-ripping along in a sulky&mdash;didn't believe
+they'd ever heard of a sulky in their lives.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p268a"></a><img alt="p268a.jpg (11K)" src="images/p268a.jpg" height="143" width="561">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>"Well, on the 29th of August he sold his colored
+coachman&mdash;said he didn't need a coachman for a
+sulky&mdash;wouldn't be room enough for two in it anyway&mdash;and,
+besides, it wasn't every day that Providence sent a man
+a fool who was willing to pay nine hundred dollars for
+such a third-rate negro as that&mdash;been wanting to get
+rid of the creature for years, but didn't like to THROW him away.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p268b"></a><img alt="p268b.jpg (12K)" src="images/p268b.jpg" height="185" width="553">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>
+"Eighteen months later&mdash;that is to say, on the 15th
+of February, 1837&mdash;he sold the sulky and bought
+a saddle&mdash;said horseback-riding was what the doctor
+had always recommended HIM to take, and dog'd if he
+wanted to risk HIS neck going over those mountain roads
+on wheels in the dead of winter, not if he knew himself.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p268c"></a><img alt="p268c.jpg (7K)" src="images/p268c.jpg" height="149" width="509">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>"On the 9th of April he sold the saddle&mdash;said he wasn't
+going to risk HIS life with any perishable saddle-girth
+that ever was made, over a rainy, miry April road,
+while he could ride bareback and know and feel he was
+safe&mdash;always HAD despised to ride on a saddle, anyway.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p269a"></a><img alt="p269a.jpg (18K)" src="images/p269a.jpg" height="209" width="563">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>"On the 24th of April he sold his horse&mdash;said 'I'm just
+fifty-seven today, hale and hearty&mdash;it would be a PRETTY
+howdy-do for me to be wasting such a trip as that and such
+weather as this, on a horse, when there ain't anything
+in the world so splendid as a tramp on foot through
+the fresh spring woods and over the cheery mountains,
+to a man that IS a man&mdash;and I can make my dog carry my
+claim in a little bundle, anyway, when it's collected.
+So tomorrow I'll be up bright and early, make my little
+old collection, and mosey off to Tennessee, on my own
+hind legs, with a rousing good-by to Gadsby's.'
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p269c"></a><img alt="p269c.jpg (12K)" src="images/p269c.jpg" height="185" width="533">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>"On the 22d of June he sold his dog&mdash;said 'Dern a dog,
+anyway, where you're just starting off on a rattling bully
+pleasure tramp through the summer woods and hills&mdash;perfect
+nuisance&mdash;chases the squirrels, barks at everything,
+goes a-capering and splattering around in the
+fords&mdash;man can't get any chance to reflect and enjoy
+nature&mdash;and I'd a blamed sight ruther carry the claim myself,
+it's a mighty sight safer; a dog's mighty uncertain
+in a financial way&mdash;always noticed it&mdash;well, GOOD-by,
+boys&mdash;last call&mdash;I'm off for Tennessee with a good
+leg and a gay heart, early in the morning.'"
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p270"></a><img alt="p270.jpg (9K)" src="images/p270.jpg" height="189" width="539">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>There was a pause and a silence&mdash;except the noise
+of the wind and the pelting snow.  Mr. Lykins said,
+impatiently:
+
+<p>"Well?"
+
+<p>Riley said:
+
+<p>"Well,&mdash;that was thirty years ago."
+
+<p>"Very well, very well&mdash;what of it?"
+
+<p>"I'm great friends with that old patriarch.  He comes
+every evening to tell me good-by. I saw him an hour
+ago&mdash;he's off for Tennessee early tomorrow morning&mdash;as usual;
+said he calculated to get his claim through and be off
+before night-owls like me have turned out of bed.
+The tears were in his eyes, he was so glad he was going
+to see his old Tennessee and his friends once more."
+
+<p>Another silent pause.  The stranger broke it:
+
+<p>"Is that all?"
+
+<p>"That is all."
+
+<p>"Well, for the TIME of night, and the KIND of night,
+it seems to me the story was full long enough.  But what's
+it all FOR?"
+
+<p>"Oh, nothing in particular."
+
+<p>"Well, where's the point of it?"
+
+<p>"Oh, there isn't any particular point to it.  Only, if you
+are not in TOO much of a hurry to rush off to San Francisco
+with that post-office appointment, Mr. Lykins, I'd advise
+you to 'PUT UP AT GADSBY'S' for a spell, and take it easy.
+Good-by. GOD bless you!"
+
+<p>So saying, Riley blandly turned on his heel and left
+the astonished school-teacher standing there, a musing
+and motionless snow image shining in the broad glow
+of the street-lamp.
+
+<p>He never got that post-office.
+
+<p>To go back to Lucerne and its fishers, I concluded,
+after about nine hours' waiting, that the man who proposes
+to tarry till he sees something hook one of those well-fed
+and experienced fishes will find it wisdom to "put up
+at Gadsby's" and take it easy.  It is likely that a fish
+has not been caught on that lake pier for forty years;
+but no matter, the patient fisher watches his cork there
+all the day long, just the same, and seems to enjoy it.
+One may see the fisher-loafers just as thick and contented
+and happy and patient all along the Seine at Paris,
+but tradition says that the only thing ever caught there
+in modern times is a thing they don't fish for at all&mdash;the
+recent dog and the translated cat.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p271"></a><img alt="p271.jpg (12K)" src="images/p271.jpg" height="375" width="323">
+</center>
+
+
+
+
+<br><br><br><br><br><br>
+<a name="ch27"></a><center><h2>CHAPTER XXVII</h2>
+<h3>[I Spare an Awful Bore]</h3></center>
+<br><br>
+
+
+<p>Close by the Lion of Lucerne is what they call the
+"Glacier Garden"&mdash;and it is the only one in the world.
+It is on high ground.  Four or five years ago,
+some workmen who were digging foundations for a house
+came upon this interesting relic of a long-departed age.
+Scientific men perceived in it a confirmation of their
+theories concerning the glacial period; so through
+their persuasions the little tract of ground was bought
+and permanently protected against being built upon.
+The soil was removed, and there lay the rasped and guttered
+track which the ancient glacier had made as it moved
+along upon its slow and tedious journey.  This track
+was perforated by huge pot-shaped holes in the bed-rock,
+formed by the furious washing-around in them of boulders
+by the turbulent torrent which flows beneath all glaciers.
+These huge round boulders still remain in the holes;
+they and the walls of the holes are worn smooth by
+the long-continued chafing which they gave each other
+in those old days.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p273"></a><img alt="p273.jpg (89K)" src="images/p273.jpg" height="865" width="551">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>It took a mighty force to churn
+these big lumps of stone around in that vigorous way.
+The neighboring country had a very different shape,
+at that time&mdash;the valleys have risen up and become hills,
+since, and the hills have become valleys.  The boulders
+discovered in the pots had traveled a great distance,
+for there is no rock like them nearer than the distant
+Rhone Glacier.
+
+<p>For some days we were content to enjoy looking at the blue
+lake Lucerne and at the piled-up masses of snow-mountains
+that border it all around&mdash;an enticing spectacle,
+this last, for there is a strange and fascinating beauty
+and charm about a majestic snow-peak with the sun blazing
+upon it or the moonlight softly enriching it&mdash;but finally
+we concluded to try a bit of excursioning around on
+a steamboat, and a dash on foot at the Rigi.  Very well,
+we had a delightful trip to Fluelen, on a breezy, sunny day.
+Everybody sat on the upper deck, on benches, under an awning;
+everybody talked, laughed, and exclaimed at the wonderful scenery;
+in truth, a trip on that lake is almost the perfection
+of pleasuring.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p273b"></a><img alt="p273b.jpg (40K)" src="images/p273b.jpg" height="453" width="503">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>The mountains were a never-ceasing marvel.
+Sometimes they rose straight up out of the lake,
+and towered aloft and overshadowed our pygmy steamer
+with their prodigious bulk in the most impressive way.
+Not snow-clad mountains, these, yet they climbed high
+enough toward the sky to meet the clouds and veil their
+foreheads in them.  They were not barren and repulsive,
+but clothed in green, and restful and pleasant to the eye.
+And they were so almost straight-up-and-down, sometimes,
+that one could not imagine a man being able to keep
+his footing upon such a surface, yet there are paths,
+and the Swiss people go up and down them every day.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p274"></a><img alt="p274.jpg (48K)" src="images/p274.jpg" height="669" width="457">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>Sometimes one of these monster precipices had the slight
+inclination of the huge ship-houses in
+dockyards&mdash;then high aloft, toward the sky, it took a little
+stronger inclination, like that of a mansard roof&mdash;and
+perched on this dizzy mansard one's eye detected little
+things like martin boxes, and presently perceived that
+these were the dwellings of peasants&mdash;an airy place
+for a home, truly.  And suppose a peasant should walk
+in his sleep, or his child should fall out of the front
+yard?&mdash;the friends would have a tedious long journey down
+out of those cloud-heights before they found the remains.
+And yet those far-away homes looked ever so seductive,
+they were so remote from the troubled world, they dozed
+in such an atmosphere of peace and dreams&mdash;surely no one
+who has learned to live up there would ever want
+to live on a meaner level.
+
+<p>We swept through the prettiest little curving arms
+of the lake, among these colossal green walls,
+enjoying new delights, always, as the stately panorama
+unfolded itself before us and rerolled and hid itself
+behind us; and now and then we had the thrilling surprise
+of bursting suddenly upon a tremendous white mass like the
+distant and dominating Jungfrau, or some kindred giant,
+looming head and shoulders above a tumbled waste of lesser Alps.
+
+<p>Once, while I was hungrily taking in one of these surprises,
+and doing my best to get all I possibly could of it while it
+should last, I was interrupted by a young and care-free voice:
+
+<p>"You're an American, I think&mdash;so'm I."
+
+<p>He was about eighteen, or possibly nineteen; slender and
+of medium height; open, frank, happy face; a restless
+but independent eye; a snub nose, which had the air
+of drawing back with a decent reserve from the silky
+new-born mustache below it until it should be introduced;
+a loosely hung jaw, calculated to work easily in the sockets.
+He wore a low-crowned, narrow-brimmed straw hat,
+with a broad blue ribbon around it which had a white
+anchor embroidered on it in front; nobby short-tailed
+coat, pantaloons, vest, all trim and neat and up with
+the fashion; red-striped stockings, very low-quarter
+patent-leather shoes, tied with black ribbon; blue ribbon
+around his neck, wide-open collar; tiny diamond studs;
+wrinkleless kids; projecting cuffs, fastened with large
+oxidized silver sleeve-buttons, bearing the device
+of a dog's face&mdash;English pug.  He carried a slim cane,
+surmounted with an English pug's head with red glass eyes.
+Under his arm he carried a German grammar&mdash;Otto's. His hair
+was short, straight, and smooth, and presently when he turned
+his head a moment, I saw that it was nicely parted behind.
+He took a cigarette out of a dainty box, stuck it into
+a meerschaum holder which he carried in a morocco case,
+and reached for my cigar.  While he was lighting, I said:
+
+<p>"Yes&mdash;I am an American."
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p276"></a><img alt="p276.jpg (25K)" src="images/p276.jpg" height="473" width="289">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>"I knew it&mdash;I can always tell them.  What ship did you
+come over in?"
+
+<p>"HOLSATIA."
+
+<p>"We came in the BATAVIA&mdash;Cunard, you know.  What kind
+of passage did you have?"
+
+<p>"Tolerably rough."
+
+<p>"So did we.  Captain said he'd hardly ever seen it rougher.
+Where are you from?"
+
+<p>"New England."
+
+<p>"So'm I. I'm from New Bloomfield.  Anybody with you?"
+
+<p>"Yes&mdash;a friend."
+
+<p>"Our whole family's along.  It's awful slow, going around
+alone&mdash;don't you think so?"
+
+<p>"Rather slow."
+
+<p>"Ever been over here before?"
+
+<p>"Yes."
+
+<p>"I haven't. My first trip.  But we've been all around&mdash;Paris
+and everywhere.  I'm to enter Harvard next year.
+Studying German all the time, now.  Can't enter till I
+know German.  I know considerable French&mdash;I get along
+pretty well in Paris, or anywhere where they speak French.
+What hotel are you stopping at?"
+
+<p>"Schweitzerhof."
+
+<p>"No! is that so? I never see you in the reception-room.
+I go to the reception-room a good deal of the time,
+because there's so many Americans there.  I make lots
+of acquaintances.  I know an American as soon as I see
+him&mdash;and so I speak to him and make his acquaintance.
+I like to be always making acquaintances&mdash;don't you?"
+
+<p>"Lord, yes!"
+
+<p>"You see it breaks up a trip like this, first rate.
+I never got bored on a trip like this, if I can
+make acquaintances and have somebody to talk to.
+But I think a trip like this would be an awful bore,
+if a body couldn't find anybody to get acquainted with
+and talk to on a trip like this.  I'm fond of talking,
+ain't you?
+
+<p>"Passionately."
+
+<p>"Have you felt bored, on this trip?"
+
+<p>"Not all the time, part of it."
+
+<p>"That's it!&mdash;you see you ought to go around and get acquainted,
+and talk.  That's my way.  That's the way I always do&mdash;I
+just go 'round, 'round, 'round and talk, talk, talk&mdash;I
+never get bored.  You been up the Rigi yet?"
+
+<p>"No."
+
+<p>"Going?"
+
+<p>"I think so."
+
+<p>"What hotel you going to stop at?"
+
+<p>"I don't know.  Is there more than one?"
+
+<p>"Three. You stop at the Schreiber&mdash;you'll find it full
+of Americans.  What ship did you say you came over in?"
+
+<p>"CITY OF ANTWERP."
+
+<p>"German, I guess.  You going to Geneva?"
+
+<p>"Yes."
+
+<p>"What hotel you going to stop at?"
+
+<p>"Hôtel de l'Écu de Génčve."
+
+<p>"Don't you do it! No Americans there! You stop at one
+of those big hotels over the bridge&mdash;they're packed
+full of Americans."
+
+<p>"But I want to practice my Arabic."
+
+<p>"Good gracious, do you speak Arabic?"
+
+<p>"Yes&mdash;well enough to get along."
+
+<p>"Why, hang it, you won't get along in Geneva&mdash;THEY don't
+speak Arabic, they speak French.  What hotel are you
+stopping at here?"
+
+<p>"Hotel Pension-Beaurivage."
+
+<p>"Sho, you ought to stop at the Schweitzerhof.  Didn't you
+know the Schweitzerhof was the best hotel in
+Switzerland?&mdash; look at your Baedeker."
+
+<p>"Yes, I know&mdash;but I had an idea there warn't any
+Americans there."
+
+<p>"No Americans! Why, bless your soul, it's just alive with
+them! I'm in the great reception-room most all the time.
+I make lots of acquaintances there.  Not as many as I did
+at first, because now only the new ones stop in
+there&mdash;the others go right along through.  Where are you from?"
+
+<p>"Arkansaw."
+
+<p>"Is that so? I'm from New England&mdash;New Bloomfield's my town
+when I'm at home.  I'm having a mighty good time today,
+ain't you?"
+
+<p>"Divine."
+
+<p>"That's what I call it.  I like this knocking around,
+loose and easy, and making acquaintances and talking.
+I know an American, soon as I see him; so I go and speak
+to him and make his acquaintance.  I ain't ever bored,
+on a trip like this, if I can make new acquaintances and talk.
+I'm awful fond of talking when I can get hold of the right
+kind of a person, ain't you?"
+
+<p>"I prefer it to any other dissipation."
+
+<p>"That's my notion, too.  Now some people like to take
+a book and sit down and read, and read, and read, or moon
+around yawping at the lake or these mountains and things,
+but that ain't my way; no, sir, if they like it, let 'em do it,
+I don't object; but as for me, talking's what <i>I</i> like.
+You been up the Rigi?"
+
+<p>"Yes."
+
+<p>"What hotel did you stop at?"
+
+<p>"Schreiber."
+
+<p>"That's the place!&mdash;I stopped there too.  FULL of Americans,
+WASN'T it? It always is&mdash;always is.  That's what they say.
+Everybody says that.  What ship did you come over in?"
+
+<p>"VILLE DE PARIS."
+
+<p>"French, I reckon.  What kind of a passage did ... excuse me
+a minute, there's some Americans I haven't seen before."
+
+<p>And away he went.  He went uninjured, too&mdash;I had the murderous
+impulse to harpoon him in the back with my alpenstock,
+but as I raised the weapon the disposition left me;
+I found I hadn't the heart to kill him, he was such
+a joyous, innocent, good-natured numbskull.
+
+<p>Half an hour later I was sitting on a bench inspecting,
+with strong interest, a noble monolith which we were
+skimming by&mdash;a monolith not shaped by man, but by Nature's
+free great hand&mdash;a massy pyramidal rock eighty feet high,
+devised by Nature ten million years ago against the day
+when a man worthy of it should need it for his monument.
+The time came at last, and now this grand remembrancer
+bears Schiller's name in huge letters upon its face.
+Curiously enough, this rock was not degraded or defiled
+in any way.  It is said that two years ago a stranger let
+himself down from the top of it with ropes and pulleys,
+and painted all over it, in blue letters bigger than those in
+Schiller's name, these words:
+<center>
+              <p>"Try Sozodont;"
+          <br>"Buy Sun Stove Polish;"
+            <br>"Helmbold's Buchu;"
+       <br>"Try Benzaline for the Blood."
+</center>
+<p>He was captured and it turned out that he was an American.
+Upon his trial the judge said to him:
+
+<p>"You are from a land where any insolent that wants to is
+privileged to profane and insult Nature, and, through her,
+Nature's God, if by so doing he can put a sordid penny
+in his pocket.  But here the case is different.  Because you
+are a foreigner and ignorant, I will make your sentence light;
+if you were a native I would deal strenuously with you.
+Hear and obey: &mdash;You will immediately remove every trace
+of your offensive work from the Schiller monument; you pay
+a fine of ten thousand francs; you will suffer two years'
+imprisonment at hard labor; you will then be horsewhipped,
+tarred and feathered, deprived of your ears, ridden on a
+rail to the confines of the canton, and banished forever.
+The severest penalties are omitted in your case&mdash;not as
+a grace to you, but to that great republic which had the
+misfortune to give you birth."
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p280"></a><img alt="p280.jpg (12K)" src="images/p280.jpg" height="533" width="227">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>The steamer's benches were ranged back to back across
+the deck.  My back hair was mingling innocently with
+the back hair of a couple of ladies.  Presently they
+were addressed by some one and I overheard this conversation:
+
+<p>"You are Americans, I think? So'm I."
+
+<p>"Yes&mdash;we are Americans."
+
+<p>"I knew it&mdash;I can always tell them.  What ship did you
+come over in?"
+
+<p>"CITY OF CHESTER."
+
+<p>"Oh, yes&mdash;Inman line.  We came in the BATAVIA&mdash;Cunard
+you know.  What kind of a passage did you have?"
+
+<p>"Pretty fair."
+
+<p>"That was luck.  We had it awful rough.  Captain said
+he'd hardly seen it rougher.  Where are you from?"
+
+<p>"New Jersey."
+
+<p>"So'm I. No&mdash;I didn't mean that; I'm from New England.
+New Bloomfield's my place.  These your children?&mdash;belong
+to both of you?"
+
+<p>"Only to one of us; they are mine; my friend is not married."
+
+<p>"Single, I reckon? So'm I. Are you two ladies traveling alone?"
+
+<p>"No&mdash;my husband is with us."
+
+<p>"Our whole family's along.  It's awful slow, going around
+alone&mdash;don't you think so?"
+
+<p>"I suppose it must be."
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p281"></a><img alt="p281.jpg (14K)" src="images/p281.jpg" height="517" width="181">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>"Hi, there's Mount Pilatus coming in sight again.
+Named after Pontius Pilate, you know, that shot the apple
+off of William Tell's head.  Guide-book tells all about it,
+they say.  I didn't read it&mdash;an American told me.  I don't
+read when I'm knocking around like this, having a good time.
+Did you ever see the chapel where William Tell used
+to preach?"
+
+<p>"I did not know he ever preached there."
+
+<p>"Oh, yes, he did.  That American told me so.  He don't
+ever shut up his guide-book. He knows more about this lake
+than the fishes in it.  Besides, they CALL it 'Tell's
+Chapel'&mdash;you know that yourself.  You ever been over here
+before?"
+
+<p>"Yes."
+
+<p>"I haven't. It's my first trip.  But we've been all
+around&mdash;Paris and everywhere.  I'm to enter Harvard next year.
+Studying German all the time now.  Can't enter till I
+know German.  This book's Otto's grammar.  It's a mighty
+good book to get the ICH HABE GEHABT HABEN's out of.
+But I don't really study when I'm knocking around this way.
+If the notion takes me, I just run over my little
+old ICH HABE GEHABT, DU HAST GEHABT, ER HAT GEHABT,
+WIR HABEN GEHABT, IHR HABEN GEHABT, SIE HABEN
+GEHABT&mdash;kind of 'Now-I-lay-me-down-to-sleep' fashion, you know,
+and after that, maybe I don't buckle to it for three days.
+It's awful undermining to the intellect, German is;
+you want to take it in small doses, or first you know
+your brains all run together, and you feel them sloshing
+around in your head same as so much drawn butter.
+But French is different; FRENCH ain't anything.  I ain't
+any more afraid of French than a tramp's afraid of pie; I can
+rattle off my little J'AI, TU AS, IL A, and the rest of it,
+just as easy as a-b-c. I get along pretty well in Paris,
+or anywhere where they speak French.  What hotel are you
+stopping at?"
+
+<p>"The Schweitzerhof."
+
+<p>"No! is that so? I never see you in the big reception-room.
+I go in there a good deal of the time, because there's
+so many Americans there.  I make lots of acquaintances.
+You been up the Rigi yet?"
+
+<p>"No."
+
+<p>"Going?"
+
+<p>"We think of it."
+
+<p>"What hotel you going to stop at?"
+
+<p>"I don't know."
+
+<p>"Well, then you stop at the Schreiber&mdash;it's full of Americans.
+What ship did you come over in?"
+
+<p>"CITY OF CHESTER."
+
+<p>"Oh, yes, I remember I asked you that before.  But I
+always ask everybody what ship they came over in, and so
+sometimes I forget and ask again.  You going to Geneva?"
+
+<p>"Yes."
+
+<p>"What hotel you going to stop at?"
+
+<p>"We expect to stop in a pension."
+
+<p>"I don't hardly believe you'll like that; there's very few
+Americans in the pensions.  What hotel are you stopping
+at here?"
+
+<p>"The Schweitzerhof."
+
+<p>"Oh, yes.  I asked you that before, too.  But I always
+ask everybody what hotel they're stopping at, and so I've
+got my head all mixed up with hotels.  But it makes talk,
+and I love to talk.  It refreshes me up so&mdash;don't it
+you&mdash;on a trip like this?"
+
+<p>"Yes&mdash;sometimes."
+
+<p>"Well, it does me, too.  As long as I'm talking I never
+feel bored&mdash;ain't that the way with you?"
+
+<p>"Yes&mdash;generally. But there are exception to the rule."
+
+<p>"Oh, of course.  <i>I</i> don't care to talk to everybody, MYSELF.
+If a person starts in to jabber-jabber-jabber about scenery,
+and history, and pictures, and all sorts of tiresome things,
+I get the fan-tods mighty soon.  I say 'Well, I must be going
+now&mdash;hope I'll see you again'&mdash;and then I take a walk.  Where you
+from?"
+
+<p>"New Jersey."
+
+<p>"Why, bother it all, I asked you THAT before, too.
+Have you seen the Lion of Lucerne?"
+
+<p>"Not yet."
+
+<p>"Nor I, either.  But the man who told me about
+Mount Pilatus says it's one of the things to see.
+It's twenty-eight feet long.  It don't seem reasonable,
+but he said so, anyway.  He saw it yesterday; said it
+was dying, then, so I reckon it's dead by this time.
+But that ain't any matter, of course they'll stuff it.
+Did you say the children are yours&mdash;or HERS?"
+
+<p>"Mine."
+
+<p>"Oh, so you did.  Are you going up the ... no, I asked
+you that.  What ship ... no, I asked you that, too.
+What hotel are you ... no, you told me that.
+Let me see ... um ....  Oh, what kind of voy ... no,
+we've been over that ground, too.  Um ... um ... well,
+I believe that is all.  BONJOUR&mdash;I am very glad to have
+made your acquaintance, ladies.  GUTEN TAG."
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p283"></a><img alt="p283.jpg (12K)" src="images/p283.jpg" height="173" width="507">
+</center>
+
+
+<br><br><br><br><br><br>
+<a name="ch28"></a><center><h2>CHAPTER XXVIII</h2>
+<h3>[The Jodel and Its Native Wilds]</h3></center>
+<br><br>
+
+<p>The Rigi-Kulm is an imposing Alpine mass, six thousand
+feet high, which stands by itself, and commands a mighty
+prospect of blue lakes, green valleys, and snowy
+mountains&mdash;a compact and magnificent picture three hundred miles
+in circumference.  The ascent is made by rail, or horseback,
+or on foot, as one may prefer.  I and my agent panoplied
+ourselves in walking-costume, one bright morning,
+and started down the lake on the steamboat; we got ashore
+at the village of Waeggis; three-quarters of an hour distant
+from Lucerne.  This village is at the foot of the mountain.
+
+<p>We were soon tramping leisurely up the leafy mule-path,
+and then the talk began to flow, as usual.  It was
+twelve o'clock noon, and a breezy, cloudless day;
+the ascent was gradual, and the glimpses, from under
+the curtaining boughs, of blue water, and tiny sailboats,
+and beetling cliffs, were as charming as glimpses of dreamland.
+All the circumstances were perfect&mdash;and the anticipations,
+too, for we should soon be enjoying, for the first time,
+that wonderful spectacle, an Alpine sunrise&mdash;the object
+of our journey.  There was (apparently) no real need
+for hurry, for the guide-book made the walking-distance
+from Waeggis to the summit only three hours and a quarter.
+I say "apparently," because the guide-book had already
+fooled us once&mdash;about the distance from Allerheiligen
+to Oppenau&mdash;and for aught I knew it might be getting ready
+to fool us again.  We were only certain as to the
+altitudes&mdash;we calculated to find out for ourselves how many hours
+it is from the bottom to the top.  The summit is six
+thousand feet above the sea, but only forty-five hundred
+feet above the lake.  When we had walked half an hour,
+we were fairly into the swing and humor of the undertaking,
+so we cleared for action; that is to say, we got a boy whom
+we met to carry our alpenstocks and satchels and overcoats
+and things for us; that left us free for business.
+I suppose we must have stopped oftener to stretch out
+on the grass in the shade and take a bit of a smoke
+than this boy was used to, for presently he asked if it
+had been our idea to hire him by the job, or by the year?
+We told him he could move along if he was in a hurry.
+He said he wasn't in such a very particular hurry,
+but he wanted to get to the top while he was young.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p285"></a><img alt="p285.jpg (22K)" src="images/p285.jpg" height="671" width="221">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>We told him to clear out, then, and leave the things at
+the uppermost hotel and say we should be along presently.
+He said he would secure us a hotel if he could, but if they
+were all full he would ask them to build another one
+and hurry up and get the paint and plaster dry against
+we arrived.  Still gently chaffing us, he pushed ahead,
+up the trail, and soon disappeared.  By six o'clock we
+were pretty high up in the air, and the view of lake
+and mountains had greatly grown in breadth and interest.
+We halted awhile at a little public house, where we
+had bread and cheese and a quart or two of fresh milk,
+out on the porch, with the big panorama all before us&mdash;and
+then moved on again.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p286"></a><img alt="p286.jpg (24K)" src="images/p286.jpg" height="431" width="361">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>Ten minutes afterward we met a hot, red-faced man plunging
+down the mountain, making mighty strides, swinging his
+alpenstock ahead of him, and taking a grip on the ground
+with its iron point to support these big strides.
+He stopped, fanned himself with his hat, swabbed the
+perspiration from his face and neck with a red handkerchief,
+panted a moment or two, and asked how far to Waeggis.
+I said three hours.  He looked surprised, and said:
+
+<p>"Why, it seems as if I could toss a biscuit into the lake
+from here, it's so close by.  Is that an inn, there?"
+
+<p>I said it was.
+
+<p>"Well," said he, "I can't stand another three hours,
+I've had enough today; I'll take a bed there."
+
+<p>I asked:
+
+<p>"Are we nearly to the top?"
+
+<p>"Nearly to the TOP? Why, bless your soul, you haven't
+really started, yet."
+
+<p>I said we would put up at the inn, too.  So we turned
+back and ordered a hot supper, and had quite a jolly
+evening of it with this Englishman.
+
+<p>The German landlady gave us neat rooms and nice beds,
+and when I and my agent turned in, it was with the resolution
+to be up early and make the utmost of our first Alpine sunrise.
+But of course we were dead tired, and slept like policemen;
+so when we awoke in the morning and ran to the window it
+was already too late, because it was half past eleven.
+It was a sharp disappointment.  However, we ordered
+breakfast and told the landlady to call the Englishman,
+but she said he was already up and off at daybreak&mdash;and
+swearing like mad about something or other.  We could not
+find out what the matter was.  He had asked the landlady
+the altitude of her place above the level of the lake,
+and she told him fourteen hundred and ninety-five feet.
+That was all that was said; then he lost his temper.
+He said that between &mdash;&mdash;&mdash;fools and guide-books, a man
+could acquire ignorance enough in twenty-four hours in a
+country like this to last him a year.  Harris believed
+our boy had been loading him up with misinformation;
+and this was probably the case, for his epithet described
+that boy to a dot.
+
+<p>We got under way about the turn of noon, and pulled out
+for the summit again, with a fresh and vigorous step.
+When we had gone about two hundred yards, and stopped
+to rest, I glanced to the left while I was lighting my pipe,
+and in the distance detected a long worm of black smoke
+crawling lazily up the steep mountain.  Of course that was
+the locomotive.  We propped ourselves on our elbows at once,
+to gaze, for we had never seen a mountain railway yet.
+Presently we could make out the train.  It seemed incredible
+that that thing should creep straight up a sharp slant
+like the roof of a house&mdash;but there it was, and it was doing
+that very miracle.
+
+<p>In the course of a couple hours we reached a fine breezy
+altitude where the little shepherd huts had big stones
+all over their roofs to hold them down to the earth when
+the great storms rage.  The country was wild and rocky
+about here, but there were plenty of trees, plenty of moss,
+and grass.
+
+<p>Away off on the opposite shore of the lake we could
+see some villages, and now for the first time we could
+observe the real difference between their proportions
+and those of the giant mountains at whose feet they slept.
+When one is in one of those villages it seems spacious,
+and its houses seem high and not out of proportion to the
+mountain that overhangs them&mdash;but from our altitude,
+what a change! The mountains were bigger and grander
+than ever, as they stood there thinking their solemn
+thoughts with their heads in the drifting clouds,
+but the villages at their feet&mdash;when the painstaking
+eye could trace them up and find them&mdash;were so reduced,
+almost invisible, and lay so flat against the ground,
+that the exactest simile I can devise is to compare
+them to ant-deposits of granulated dirt overshadowed
+by the huge bulk of a cathedral.  The steamboats skimming
+along under the stupendous precipices were diminished
+by distance to the daintiest little toys, the sailboats
+and rowboats to shallops proper for fairies that keep
+house in the cups of lilies and ride to court on the backs
+of bumblebees.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p288"></a><img alt="p288.jpg (83K)" src="images/p288.jpg" height="687" width="549">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>Presently we came upon half a dozen sheep nibbling grass
+in the spray of a stream of clear water that sprang
+from a rock wall a hundred feet high, and all at once
+our ears were startled with a melodious "Lul ...
+l ... l l l llul-lul-LAhee-o-o-o!" pealing joyously
+from a near but invisible source, and recognized that we
+were hearing for the first time the famous Alpine JODEL
+in its own native wilds.  And we recognized, also,
+that it was that sort of quaint commingling of baritone
+and falsetto which at home we call "Tyrolese warbling."
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p289"></a><img alt="p289.jpg (36K)" src="images/p289.jpg" height="591" width="361">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>The jodeling (pronounced yOdling&mdash;emphasis on the O)
+continued, and was very pleasant and inspiriting to hear.
+Now the jodeler appeared&mdash;a shepherd boy of
+sixteen&mdash;and in our gladness and gratitude we gave him a franc
+to jodel some more.  So he jodeled and we listened.
+We moved on, presently, and he generously jodeled us
+out of sight.  After about fifteen minutes we came across
+another shepherd boy who was jodeling, and gave him half
+a franc to keep it up.  He also jodeled us out of sight.
+After that, we found a jodeler every ten minutes;
+we gave the first one eight cents, the second one
+six cents, the third one four, the fourth one a penny,
+contributed nothing to Nos.  5, 6, and 7, and during
+the remainder of the day hired the rest of the jodelers,
+at a franc apiece, not to jodel any more.  There is somewhat
+too much of the jodeling in the Alps.
+
+<p>About the middle of the afternoon we passed through
+a prodigious natural gateway called the Felsenthor,
+formed by two enormous upright rocks, with a third lying
+across the top.  There was a very attractive little
+hotel close by, but our energies were not conquered yet,
+so we went on.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p290"></a><img alt="p290.jpg (26K)" src="images/p290.jpg" height="483" width="295">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>Three hours afterward we came to the railway-track. It
+was planted straight up the mountain with the slant
+of a ladder that leans against a house, and it seemed
+to us that man would need good nerves who proposed
+to travel up it or down it either.
+
+<p>During the latter part of the afternoon we cooled our
+roasting interiors with ice-cold water from clear streams,
+the only really satisfying water we had tasted since we
+left home, for at the hotels on the continent they
+merely give you a tumbler of ice to soak your water in,
+and that only modifies its hotness, doesn't make it cold.
+Water can only be made cold enough for summer comfort by
+being prepared in a refrigerator or a closed ice-pitcher.
+Europeans say ice-water impairs digestion.  How do they
+know?&mdash;they never drink any.
+
+<p>At ten minutes past six we reached the Kaltbad station,
+where there is a spacious hotel with great verandas which
+command a majestic expanse of lake and mountain scenery.
+We were pretty well fagged out, now, but as we did
+not wish to miss the Alpine sunrise, we got through our
+dinner as quickly as possible and hurried off to bed.
+It was unspeakably comfortable to stretch our weary limbs
+between the cool, damp sheets.  And how we did sleep!&mdash;for
+there is no opiate like Alpine pedestrianism.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p291"></a><img alt="p291.jpg (39K)" src="images/p291.jpg" height="433" width="549">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>In the morning we both awoke and leaped out of bed at the
+same instant and ran and stripped aside the window-curtains;
+but we suffered a bitter disappointment again: it
+was already half past three in the afternoon.
+
+<p>We dressed sullenly and in ill spirits, each accusing
+the other of oversleeping.  Harris said if we had brought
+the courier along, as we ought to have done, we should
+not have missed these sunrises.  I said he knew very well
+that one of us would have to sit up and wake the courier;
+and I added that we were having trouble enough to take
+care of ourselves, on this climb, without having to take
+care of a courier besides.
+
+<p>During breakfast our spirits came up a little, since we
+found by this guide-book that in the hotels on the summit
+the tourist is not left to trust to luck for his sunrise,
+but is roused betimes by a man who goes through the halls
+with a great Alpine horn, blowing blasts that would
+raise the dead.  And there was another consoling thing:
+the guide-book said that up there on the summit the guests
+did not wait to dress much, but seized a red bed blanket
+and sailed out arrayed like an Indian.  This was good;
+this would be romantic; two hundred and fifty people
+grouped on the windy summit, with their hair flying and
+their red blankets flapping, in the solemn presence of the
+coming sun, would be a striking and memorable spectacle.
+So it was good luck, not ill luck, that we had missed
+those other sunrises.
+
+<p>We were informed by the guide-book that we were now
+3,228 feet above the level of the lake&mdash;therefore
+full two-thirds of our journey had been accomplished.
+We got away at a quarter past four P.M.; a hundred yards
+above the hotel the railway divided; one track went
+straight up the steep hill, the other one turned square
+off to the right, with a very slight grade.  We took
+the latter, and followed it more than a mile, turned a
+rocky corner, and came in sight of a handsome new hotel.
+If we had gone on, we should have arrived at the summit,
+but Harris preferred to ask a lot of questions&mdash;as usual,
+of a man who didn't know anything&mdash;and he told us to go
+back and follow the other route.  We did so.  We could ill
+afford this loss of time.
+
+<p>We climbed and climbed; and we kept on climbing; we reached about
+forty summits, but there was always another one just ahead.
+It came on to rain, and it rained in dead earnest.
+We were soaked through and it was bitter cold.  Next a
+smoky fog of clouds covered the whole region densely,
+and we took to the railway-ties to keep from getting lost.
+Sometimes we slopped along in a narrow path on the left-hand
+side of the track, but by and by when the fog blew aside
+a little and we saw that we were treading the rampart
+of a precipice and that our left elbows were projecting
+over a perfectly boundless and bottomless vacancy,
+we gasped, and jumped for the ties again.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p293"></a><img alt="p293.jpg (34K)" src="images/p293.jpg" height="407" width="543">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>The night shut down, dark and drizzly and cold.
+About eight in the evening the fog lifted and showed us
+a well-worn path which led up a very steep rise to the left.
+We took it, and as soon as we had got far enough from the
+railway to render the finding it again an impossibility,
+the fog shut down on us once more.
+
+<p>We were in a bleak, unsheltered place, now, and had
+to trudge right along, in order to keep warm, though we
+rather expected to go over a precipice, sooner or later.
+About nine o'clock we made an important
+discovery&mdash;that we were not in any path.  We groped around a while
+on our hands and knees, but we could not find it;
+so we sat down in the mud and the wet scant grass to wait.
+
+<p>We were terrified into this by being suddenly confronted
+with a vast body which showed itself vaguely for an instant
+and in the next instant was smothered in the fog again.
+It was really the hotel we were after, monstrously magnified
+by the fog, but we took it for the face of a precipice,
+and decided not to try to claw up it.
+
+<p>We sat there an hour, with chattering teeth and quivering bodies,
+and quarreled over all sorts of trifles, but gave most
+of our attention to abusing each other for the stupidity
+of deserting the railway-track. We sat with our backs
+to the precipice, because what little wind there was
+came from that quarter.  At some time or other the fog
+thinned a little; we did not know when, for we were facing
+the empty universe and the thinness could not show;
+but at last Harris happened to look around, and there stood
+a huge, dim, spectral hotel where the precipice had been.
+One could faintly discern the windows and chimneys,
+and a dull blur of lights.  Our first emotion was deep,
+unutterable gratitude, our next was a foolish rage,
+born of the suspicion that possibly the hotel had been
+visible three-quarters of an hour while we sat there
+in those cold puddles quarreling.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p294"></a><img alt="p294.jpg (38K)" src="images/p294.jpg" height="409" width="539">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>Yes, it was the Rigi-Kulm hotel&mdash;the one that occupies
+the extreme summit, and whose remote little sparkle
+of lights we had often seen glinting high aloft among
+the stars from our balcony away down yonder in Lucerne.
+The crusty portier and the crusty clerks gave us the surly
+reception which their kind deal out in prosperous times,
+but by mollifying them with an extra display of obsequiousness
+and servility we finally got them to show us to the room
+which our boy had engaged for us.
+
+<p>We got into some dry clothing, and while our supper was
+preparing we loafed forsakenly through a couple of vast
+cavernous drawing-rooms, one of which had a stove in it.
+This stove was in a corner, and densely walled around
+with people.  We could not get near the fire, so we moved
+at large in the artic spaces, among a multitude of people
+who sat silent, smileless, forlorn, and shivering&mdash;thinking
+what fools they were to come, perhaps.  There were some
+Americans and some Germans, but one could see that the
+great majority were English.
+
+<p>We lounged into an apartment where there was a great crowd,
+to see what was going on.  It was a memento-magazine.
+The tourists were eagerly buying all sorts and styles of
+paper-cutters, marked "Souvenir of the Rigi," with handles
+made of the little curved horn of the ostensible chamois;
+there were all manner of wooden goblets and such things,
+similarly marked.  I was going to buy a paper-cutter, but I
+believed I could remember the cold comfort of the Rigi-Kulm
+without it, so I smothered the impulse.
+
+<p>Supper warmed us, and we went immediately to bed&mdash;but first,
+as Mr. Baedeker requests all tourists to call his attention
+to any errors which they may find in his guide-books, I
+dropped him a line to inform him he missed it by just
+about three days.  I had previously informed him of his
+mistake about the distance from Allerheiligen to Oppenau,
+and had also informed the Ordnance Depart of the German
+government of the same error in the imperial maps.
+I will add, here, that I never got any answer to those letters,
+or any thanks from either of those sources; and, what is still
+more discourteous, these corrections have not been made,
+either in the maps or the guide-books. But I will write
+again when I get time, for my letters may have miscarried.
+
+<p>We curled up in the clammy beds, and went to sleep without
+rocking. We were so sodden with fatigue that we never stirred nor
+turned over till the blooming blasts of the Alpine horn
+aroused us.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p296"></a><img alt="p296.jpg (26K)" src="images/p296.jpg" height="373" width="513">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>It may well be imagined that we did not lose
+any time.  We snatched on a few odds and ends of clothing,
+cocooned ourselves in the proper red blankets, and plunged
+along the halls and out into the whistling wind bareheaded.
+We saw a tall wooden scaffolding on the very peak
+of the summit, a hundred yards away, and made for it.
+We rushed up the stairs to the top of this scaffolding,
+and stood there, above the vast outlying world, with hair
+flying and ruddy blankets waving and cracking in the fierce
+breeze.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p297"></a><img alt="p297.jpg (66K)" src="images/p297.jpg" height="929" width="487">
+</center>
+<br><br><br><br>
+
+<p>"Fifteen minutes too late, at last!" said Harris,
+in a vexed voice.  "The sun is clear above the horizon."
+
+<p>"No matter," I said, "it is a most magnificent spectacle,
+and we will see it do the rest of its rising anyway."
+
+<p>In a moment we were deeply absorbed in the marvel before us,
+and dead to everything else.  The great cloud-barred disk
+of the sun stood just above a limitless expanse of tossing
+white-caps&mdash;so to speak&mdash;a billowy chaos of massy mountain
+domes and peaks draped in imperishable snow, and flooded
+with an opaline glory of changing and dissolving splendors,
+while through rifts in a black cloud-bank above the sun,
+radiating lances of diamond dust shot to the zenith.
+The cloven valleys of the lower world swam in a tinted
+mist which veiled the ruggedness of their crags and ribs
+and ragged forests, and turned all the forbidding region
+into a soft and rich and sensuous paradise.
+
+<p>We could not speak.  We could hardly breathe.
+We could only gaze in drunken ecstasy and drink in it.
+Presently Harris exclaimed:
+
+<p>"Why&mdash;nation, it's going DOWN!"
+
+<p>Perfectly true.  We had missed the MORNING hornblow,
+and slept all day.  This was stupefying.
+
+<p>Harris said:
+
+<p>"Look here, the sun isn't the spectacle&mdash;it's US&mdash;stacked
+up here on top of this gallows, in these idiotic blankets,
+and two hundred and fifty well-dressed men and women down
+here gawking up at us and not caring a straw whether the sun
+rises or sets, as long as they've got such a ridiculous
+spectacle as this to set down in their memorandum-books.
+They seem to be laughing their ribs loose, and there's
+one girl there that appears to be going all to pieces.
+I never saw such a man as you before.  I think you are
+the very last possibility in the way of an ass."
+
+<p>"What have <i>I</i> done?" I answered, with heat.
+
+<p>"What have you done? You've got up at half past seven
+o'clock in the evening to see the sun rise, that's what
+you've done."
+
+<p>"And have you done any better, I'd like to know? I've
+always used to get up with the lark, till I came under
+the petrifying influence of your turgid intellect."
+
+<p>"YOU used to get up with the lark&mdash;Oh, no
+doubt&mdash;you'll get up with the hangman one of these days.
+But you ought to be ashamed to be jawing here like this,
+in a red blanket, on a forty-foot scaffold on top
+of the Alps.  And no end of people down here to boot;
+this isn't any place for an exhibition of temper."
+
+<p>And so the customary quarrel went on.  When the sun
+was fairly down, we slipped back to the hotel in the
+charitable gloaming, and went to bed again.  We had
+encountered the horn-blower on the way, and he had tried
+to collect compensation, not only for announcing the sunset,
+which we did see, but for the sunrise, which we had
+totally missed; but we said no, we only took our solar
+rations on the "European plan"&mdash;pay for what you get.
+He promised to make us hear his horn in the morning,
+if we were alive.
+
+<br><br><br><br>
+<center><a name="p300"></a><img alt="p300.jpg (19K)" src="images/p300.jpg" height="393" width="419">
+</center>
+
+
+
+
+
+<br>
+<br>
+
+
+<center>
+<table summary="" cellPadding=4 border=3>
+<tr><td>
+
+
+
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/files/5784/5784-h/5784-h.htm">Previous Part</a>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+</td><td>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/files/5786/5786-h/5786-h.htm">Next Part</a>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+
+
+
+
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</center>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's A Tramp Abroad, by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
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+</body>
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+
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Tramp Abroad, by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: A Tramp Abroad
+       Part 4
+
+Author: Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
+
+Release Date: March 1994 [EBook #5785]
+Posting Date: June 3, 2009
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A TRAMP ABROAD ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Anonymous Volunteers, John Greenman and David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+
+A TRAMP ABROAD, Part 4.
+
+By Mark Twain
+
+(Samuel L. Clemens)
+
+First published in 1880
+
+Illustrations taken from an 1880 First Edition
+
+ * * * * * *
+
+
+
+ILLUSTRATIONS:
+
+
+     1.    PORTRAIT OF THE AUTHOR
+     2.    TITIAN'S MOSES
+     3.    THE AUTHOR'S MEMORIES
+     119.  BLACK FOREST GRANDEE
+     120.  THE GRANDEE'S DAUGHTER
+     121.  RICH OLD HUSS
+     122.  GRETCHEN
+     123.  PAUL HOCH
+     124.  HANS SCHMIDT
+     125.  ELECTING A NEW MEMBER
+     126.  OVERCOMING OBSTACLES
+     127.  FRIENDS
+     128.  PROSPECTING
+     129.  TAIL PIECE
+     130.  A GENERAL HOWL
+     131.  SEEKING A SITUATION
+     132.  STANDING GUARD
+     133.  RESULT OF A JOKE
+     134.  DESCENDING A FARM
+     155.  A GERMAN SABBATH
+     136.  AN OBJECT OF SYMPATHY
+     137.  A NON-CLASSICAL STYLE
+     138.  THE TRADITIONAL CHAMOIS
+     139.  HUNTING CHAMOIS THE TRUE WAY
+     140.  CHAMOIS HUNTER AS REPORTED
+     141.  MARKING ALPENSTOCKS
+     142.  IS SHE EIGHTEEN OR TWENTY
+     143.  I KNEW I WASN'T MISTAKEN
+     144.  HARRIS ASTONISHED
+     145.  TAIL PIECE
+     146.  THE LION OF LUCERNE
+     147.  HE LIKED CLOCKS
+     148.  "I WILL TELL YOU"
+     149.  COULDN'T WAIT
+     150.  DIDN'T CARE FOR STYLE
+     151.  A PAIR BETTER THAN FOUR
+     152.  TWO WASN'T NECESSARY
+     153.  JUST THE TRICK
+     154.  GOING TO MAKE THEM STARE
+     155.  NOT THROWN AWAY
+     156.  WHAT THE DOCTOR RECOMMENDED
+     157.  WANTED TO FEEL SAFE
+     158.  PREFERRED TO TRAMP ON FOOT
+     159.  DERN A DOG, ANYWAY
+     160.  TAIL PIECE
+     161.  THE GLACIER GARDEN
+     162.  LAKE AND MOUNTAINS (MONT PILATUS)
+     163.  MOUNTAIN PATHS
+     164.  "YOU'RE AN AMERICAN--SO AM I"
+     165.  ENTERPRISE
+     166.  THE CONSTANT SEARCHER
+     167.  THE MOUNTAIN BOY
+     168.  THE ENGLISHMAN
+     169.  THE JODLER
+     170.  ANOTHER VOCALIST
+     171.  THE FELSENTHOR
+     172.  A VIEW FROM THE STATION
+     173.  LOST IN THE MIST
+     174.  THE RIGI-KULM HOTEL
+     175.  WHAT AWAKENED US
+     176.  A SUMMIT SUNRISE
+     177.  TAIL PIECE
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS:
+
+
+CHAPTER XXII The Black Forest--A Grandee and his Family--The Wealthy
+Nabob--A New Standard of Wealth--Skeleton for a New Novel--Trying
+Situation--The Common Council--Choosing a New Member Studying Natural
+History--The Ant a Fraud--Eccentricities of the Ant--His Deceit and
+Ignorance--A German Dish--Boiled Oranges
+
+CHAPTER XXIII Off for a Day's Tramp--Tramping and Talking--Story
+Telling--Dentistry in Camp--Nicodemus Dodge--Seeking a Situation--A
+Butt for Jokes--Jimmy Finn's Skeleton--Descending a Farm--Unexpected
+Notoriety
+
+CHAPTER XXIV Sunday on the Continent--A Day of Rest--An Incident
+at Church--An Object of Sympathy--Royalty at Church--Public Grounds
+Concert--Power and Grades of Music--Hiring a Courier
+
+CHAPTER XXV Lucerne--Beauty of its Lake--The Wild Chamois--A Great
+Error Exposed--Methods of Hunting the Chamois--Beauties of Lucerne--The
+Alpenstock--Marking Alpenstocks--Guessing at Nationalities--An American
+Party--An Unexpected Acquaintance--Getting Mixed Up--Following Blind
+Trails--A Happy Half--hour--Defeat and Revenge
+
+CHAPTER XXVI Commerce of Lucerne--Benefits of Martyrdom--A Bit of
+History--The Home of Cuckoo Clocks--A Satisfactory Revenge--The Alan
+Who Put Up at Gadsby's--A Forgotten Story--Wanted to be Postmaster--A
+Tennessean at Washington--He Concluded to Stay A While--Application of
+the Story
+
+CHAPTER XXVII The Glacier Garden--Excursion on the Lake--Life on the
+Mountains--A Specimen Tourist--"Where're you From?"--An Advertising
+Dodge--A Righteous Verdict--The Guide-book Student--I Believe that's All
+
+CHAPTER XXVIII The Rigi-Kulm--Its Ascent--Stripping for Business--A
+Mountain Lad--An English Tourist--Railroad up the Mountain--Villages and
+Mountain--The Jodlers--About Ice Water--The Felsenthor--Too Late--Lost
+in the Fog--The Rigi-Kulm Hotel--The Alpine Horn--Sunrise at Night
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXII
+
+[The Black Forest and Its Treasures]
+
+
+From Baden-Baden we made the customary trip into the Black Forest. We
+were on foot most of the time. One cannot describe those noble woods,
+nor the feeling with which they inspire him. A feature of the feeling,
+however, is a deep sense of contentment; another feature of it is a
+buoyant, boyish gladness; and a third and very conspicuous feature of
+it is one's sense of the remoteness of the work-day world and his entire
+emancipation from it and its affairs.
+
+Those woods stretch unbroken over a vast region; and everywhere they are
+such dense woods, and so still, and so piney and fragrant. The stems of
+the trees are trim and straight, and in many places all the ground is
+hidden for miles under a thick cushion of moss of a vivid green color,
+with not a decayed or ragged spot in its surface, and not a fallen leaf
+or twig to mar its immaculate tidiness. A rich cathedral gloom pervades
+the pillared aisles; so the stray flecks of sunlight that strike a trunk
+here and a bough yonder are strongly accented, and when they strike the
+moss they fairly seem to burn. But the weirdest effect, and the most
+enchanting is that produced by the diffused light of the low afternoon
+sun; no single ray is able to pierce its way in, then, but the diffused
+light takes color from moss and foliage, and pervades the place like
+a faint, green-tinted mist, the theatrical fire of fairyland. The
+suggestion of mystery and the supernatural which haunts the forest at
+all times is intensified by this unearthly glow.
+
+We found the Black Forest farmhouses and villages all that the Black
+Forest stories have pictured them. The first genuine specimen which
+we came upon was the mansion of a rich farmer and member of the Common
+Council of the parish or district. He was an important personage in the
+land and so was his wife also, of course.
+
+
+
+His daughter was the "catch" of the region, and she may be already
+entering into immortality as the heroine of one of Auerbach's novels,
+for all I know. We shall see, for if he puts her in I shall recognize
+her by her Black Forest clothes, and her burned complexion, her plump
+figure, her fat hands, her dull expression, her gentle spirit,
+her generous feet, her bonnetless head, and the plaited tails of
+hemp-colored hair hanging down her back.
+
+
+
+The house was big enough for a hotel; it was a hundred feet long and
+fifty wide, and ten feet high, from ground to eaves; but from the eaves
+to the comb of the mighty roof was as much as forty feet, or maybe even
+more. This roof was of ancient mud-colored straw thatch a foot thick,
+and was covered all over, except in a few trifling spots, with a
+thriving and luxurious growth of green vegetation, mainly moss. The
+mossless spots were places where repairs had been made by the insertion
+of bright new masses of yellow straw. The eaves projected far down, like
+sheltering, hospitable wings. Across the gable that fronted the road,
+and about ten feet above the ground, ran a narrow porch, with a wooden
+railing; a row of small windows filled with very small panes looked upon
+the porch. Above were two or three other little windows, one clear up
+under the sharp apex of the roof. Before the ground-floor door was a
+huge pile of manure. The door of the second-story room on the side of
+the house was open, and occupied by the rear elevation of a cow. Was
+this probably the drawing-room? All of the front half of the house from
+the ground up seemed to be occupied by the people, the cows, and the
+chickens, and all the rear half by draught-animals and hay. But the
+chief feature, all around this house, was the big heaps of manure.
+
+We became very familiar with the fertilizer in the Forest. We fell
+unconsciously into the habit of judging of a man's station in life
+by this outward and eloquent sign. Sometimes we said, "Here is a poor
+devil, this is manifest." When we saw a stately accumulation, we said,
+"Here is a banker." When we encountered a country-seat surrounded by an
+Alpine pomp of manure, we said, "Doubtless a duke lives here."
+
+The importance of this feature has not been properly magnified in the
+Black Forest stories. Manure is evidently the Black-Forester's main
+treasure--his coin, his jewel, his pride, his Old Master, his ceramics,
+his bric-a-brac, his darling, his title to public consideration, envy,
+veneration, and his first solicitude when he gets ready to make his
+will. The true Black Forest novel, if it is ever written, will be
+skeletoned somewhat in this way:
+
+SKELETON FOR A BLACK FOREST NOVEL
+
+Rich old farmer, named Huss.
+
+
+
+Has inherited great wealth of manure, and by diligence has added to it.
+It is double-starred in Baedeker. [1] The Black forest artist paints
+it--his masterpiece. The king comes to see it. Gretchen Huss,
+daughter and heiress. Paul Hoch, young neighbor, suitor for Gretchen's
+hand--ostensibly; he really wants the manure.
+
+
+
+Hoch has a good many cart-loads of the Black Forest currency himself,
+and therefore is a good catch; but he is sordid, mean, and without
+sentiment, whereas Gretchen is all sentiment and poetry. Hans Schmidt,
+young neighbor, full of sentiment, full of poetry, loves Gretchen,
+Gretchen loves him. But he has no manure. Old Huss forbids him in the
+house. His heart breaks, he goes away to die in the woods, far from the
+cruel world--for he says, bitterly, "What is man, without manure?"
+
+1. When Baedeker's guide-books mention a thing and put two stars (**)
+after it, it means well worth visiting. M.T.
+
+[Interval of six months.]
+
+
+
+Paul Hoch comes to old Huss and says, "I am at last as rich as you
+required--come and view the pile." Old Huss views it and says, "It is
+sufficient--take her and be happy,"--meaning Gretchen.
+
+[Interval of two weeks.]
+
+Wedding party assembled in old Huss's drawing-room. Hoch placid and
+content, Gretchen weeping over her hard fate. Enter old Huss's head
+bookkeeper. Huss says fiercely, "I gave you three weeks to find out why
+your books don't balance, and to prove that you are not a defaulter;
+the time is up--find me the missing property or you go to prison as
+a thief." Bookkeeper: "I have found it." "Where?" Bookkeeper
+(sternly--tragically): "In the bridegroom's pile!--behold the thief--see
+him blench and tremble!" [Sensation.] Paul Hoch: "Lost, lost!"--falls
+over the cow in a swoon and is handcuffed. Gretchen: "Saved!" Falls over
+the calf in a swoon of joy, but is caught in the arms of Hans Schmidt,
+who springs in at that moment. Old Huss: "What, you here, varlet? Unhand
+the maid and quit the place." Hans (still supporting the insensible
+girl): "Never! Cruel old man, know that I come with claims which even
+you cannot despise."
+
+
+
+Huss: "What, YOU? name them."
+
+Hans: "Listen then. The world has forsaken me, I forsook the world, I
+wandered in the solitude of the forest, longing for death but finding
+none. I fed upon roots, and in my bitterness I dug for the bitterest,
+loathing the sweeter kind. Digging, three days agone, I struck a manure
+mine!--a Golconda, a limitless Bonanza, of solid manure! I can buy you
+ALL, and have mountain ranges of manure left! Ha-ha, NOW thou smilest a
+smile!" [Immense sensation.] Exhibition of specimens from the mine. Old
+Huss (enthusiastically): "Wake her up, shake her up, noble young man,
+she is yours!" Wedding takes place on the spot; bookkeeper restored to
+his office and emoluments; Paul Hoch led off to jail. The Bonanza king
+of the Black Forest lives to a good old age, blessed with the love of
+his wife and of his twenty-seven children, and the still sweeter envy of
+everybody around.
+
+We took our noon meal of fried trout one day at the Plow Inn, in a very
+pretty village (Ottenhoefen), and then went into the public room to rest
+and smoke. There we found nine or ten Black Forest grandees assembled
+around a table. They were the Common Council of the parish. They had
+gathered there at eight o'clock that morning to elect a new member, and
+they had now been drinking beer four hours at the new member's expense.
+
+
+
+They were men of fifty or sixty years of age, with grave good-natured
+faces, and were all dressed in the costume made familiar to us by the
+Black Forest stories; broad, round-topped black felt hats with the brims
+curled up all round; long red waistcoats with large metal buttons, black
+alpaca coats with the waists up between the shoulders. There were no
+speeches, there was but little talk, there were no frivolities; the
+Council filled themselves gradually, steadily, but surely, with beer,
+and conducted themselves with sedate decorum, as became men of position,
+men of influence, men of manure.
+
+We had a hot afternoon tramp up the valley, along the grassy bank of a
+rushing stream of clear water, past farmhouses, water-mills, and no end
+of wayside crucifixes and saints and Virgins. These crucifixes, etc.,
+are set up in memory of departed friends, by survivors, and are almost
+as frequent as telegraph-poles are in other lands.
+
+We followed the carriage-road, and had our usual luck; we traveled under
+a beating sun, and always saw the shade leave the shady places before we
+could get to them. In all our wanderings we seldom managed to strike
+a piece of road at its time for being shady. We had a particularly hot
+time of it on that particular afternoon, and with no comfort but what we
+could get out of the fact that the peasants at work away up on the steep
+mountainsides above our heads were even worse off than we were. By and
+by it became impossible to endure the intolerable glare and heat
+any longer; so we struck across the ravine and entered the deep cool
+twilight of the forest, to hunt for what the guide-book called the "old
+road."
+
+We found an old road, and it proved eventually to be the right one,
+though we followed it at the time with the conviction that it was the
+wrong one. If it was the wrong one there could be no use in hurrying;
+therefore we did not hurry, but sat down frequently on the soft moss and
+enjoyed the restful quiet and shade of the forest solitudes. There
+had been distractions in the carriage-road--school-children, peasants,
+wagons, troops of pedestrianizing students from all over Germany--but we
+had the old road to ourselves.
+
+Now and then, while we rested, we watched the laborious ant at his work.
+I found nothing new in him--certainly nothing to change my opinion of
+him. It seems to me that in the matter of intellect the ant must be a
+strangely overrated bird. During many summers, now, I have watched him,
+when I ought to have been in better business, and I have not yet come
+across a living ant that seemed to have any more sense than a dead one.
+I refer to the ordinary ant, of course; I have had no experience of
+those wonderful Swiss and African ones which vote, keep drilled armies,
+hold slaves, and dispute about religion. Those particular ants may be
+all that the naturalist paints them, but I am persuaded that the
+average ant is a sham. I admit his industry, of course; he is the
+hardest-working creature in the world--when anybody is looking--but
+his leather-headedness is the point I make against him. He goes out
+foraging, he makes a capture, and then what does he do? Go home? No--he
+goes anywhere but home. He doesn't know where home is. His home may be
+only three feet away--no matter, he can't find it. He makes his capture,
+as I have said; it is generally something which can be of no sort of
+use to himself or anybody else; it is usually seven times bigger than
+it ought to be; he hunts out the awkwardest place to take hold of it;
+he lifts it bodily up in the air by main force, and starts; not toward
+home, but in the opposite direction; not calmly and wisely, but with a
+frantic haste which is wasteful of his strength; he fetches up against
+a pebble, and instead of going around it, he climbs over it backward
+dragging his booty after him, tumbles down on the other side, jumps up
+in a passion, kicks the dust off his clothes, moistens his hands, grabs
+his property viciously, yanks it this way, then that, shoves it ahead
+of him a moment, turns tail and lugs it after him another moment,
+gets madder and madder, then presently hoists it into the air and goes
+tearing away in an entirely new direction; comes to a weed; it never
+occurs to him to go around it; no, he must climb it; and he does climb
+it, dragging his worthless property to the top--which is as bright
+a thing to do as it would be for me to carry a sack of flour from
+Heidelberg to Paris by way of Strasburg steeple; when he gets up there
+he finds that that is not the place; takes a cursory glance at the
+scenery and either climbs down again or tumbles down, and starts off
+once more--as usual, in a new direction. At the end of half an hour, he
+fetches up within six inches of the place he started from and lays his
+burden down; meantime he has been over all the ground for two yards
+around, and climbed all the weeds and pebbles he came across. Now he
+wipes the sweat from his brow, strokes his limbs, and then marches
+aimlessly off, in as violently a hurry as ever. He does not remember to
+have ever seen it before; he looks around to see which is not the way
+home, grabs his bundle and starts; he goes through the same adventures
+he had before; finally stops to rest, and a friend comes along.
+Evidently the friend remarks that a last year's grasshopper leg is a
+very noble acquisition, and inquires where he got it.
+
+
+
+Evidently the proprietor does not remember exactly where he did get
+it, but thinks he got it "around here somewhere." Evidently the friend
+contracts to help him freight it home. Then, with a judgment peculiarly
+antic (pun not intended), they take hold of opposite ends of that
+grasshopper leg and begin to tug with all their might in opposite
+directions. Presently they take a rest and confer together. They decide
+that something is wrong, they can't make out what. Then they go at
+it again, just as before. Same result. Mutual recriminations follow.
+Evidently each accuses the other of being an obstructionist. They lock
+themselves together and chew each other's jaws for a while; then they
+roll and tumble on the ground till one loses a horn or a leg and has to
+haul off for repairs. They make up and go to work again in the same old
+insane way, but the crippled ant is at a disadvantage; tug as he may,
+the other one drags off the booty and him at the end of it. Instead
+of giving up, he hangs on, and gets his shins bruised against every
+obstruction that comes in the way. By and by, when that grasshopper leg
+has been dragged all over the same old ground once more, it is finally
+dumped at about the spot where it originally lay, the two perspiring
+ants inspect it thoughtfully and decide that dried grasshopper legs
+are a poor sort of property after all, and then each starts off in a
+different direction to see if he can't find an old nail or something
+else that is heavy enough to afford entertainment and at the same time
+valueless enough to make an ant want to own it.
+
+There in the Black Forest, on the mountainside, I saw an ant go through
+with such a performance as this with a dead spider of fully ten times
+his own weight. The spider was not quite dead, but too far gone to
+resist. He had a round body the size of a pea. The little ant--observing
+that I was noticing--turned him on his back, sunk his fangs into his
+throat, lifted him into the air and started vigorously off with him,
+stumbling over little pebbles, stepping on the spider's legs and
+tripping himself up, dragging him backward, shoving him bodily ahead,
+dragging him up stones six inches high instead of going around them,
+climbing weeds twenty times his own height and jumping from their
+summits--and finally leaving him in the middle of the road to be
+confiscated by any other fool of an ant that wanted him. I measured the
+ground which this ass traversed, and arrived at the conclusion that what
+he had accomplished inside of twenty minutes would constitute some
+such job as this--relatively speaking--for a man; to wit: to strap two
+eight-hundred-pound horses together, carry them eighteen hundred feet,
+mainly over (not around) boulders averaging six feet high, and in the
+course of the journey climb up and jump from the top of one precipice
+like Niagara, and three steeples, each a hundred and twenty feet high;
+and then put the horses down, in an exposed place, without anybody to
+watch them, and go off to indulge in some other idiotic miracle for
+vanity's sake.
+
+
+
+Science has recently discovered that the ant does not lay up anything
+for winter use. This will knock him out of literature, to some extent.
+He does not work, except when people are looking, and only then when the
+observer has a green, naturalistic look, and seems to be taking notes.
+This amounts to deception, and will injure him for the Sunday-schools.
+He has not judgment enough to know what is good to eat from what isn't.
+This amounts to ignorance, and will impair the world's respect for
+him. He cannot stroll around a stump and find his way home again. This
+amounts to idiocy, and once the damaging fact is established, thoughtful
+people will cease to look up to him, the sentimental will cease to
+fondle him. His vaunted industry is but a vanity and of no effect, since
+he never gets home with anything he starts with. This disposes of the
+last remnant of his reputation and wholly destroys his main usefulness
+as a moral agent, since it will make the sluggard hesitate to go to him
+any more. It is strange, beyond comprehension, that so manifest a humbug
+as the ant has been able to fool so many nations and keep it up so many
+ages without being found out.
+
+The ant is strong, but we saw another strong thing, where we had not
+suspected the presence of much muscular power before. A toadstool--that
+vegetable which springs to full growth in a single night--had torn loose
+and lifted a matted mass of pine needles and dirt of twice its own bulk
+into the air, and supported it there, like a column supporting a shed.
+Ten thousand toadstools, with the right purchase, could lift a man, I
+suppose. But what good would it do?
+
+All our afternoon's progress had been uphill. About five or half past we
+reached the summit, and all of a sudden the dense curtain of the forest
+parted and we looked down into a deep and beautiful gorge and out over a
+wide panorama of wooded mountains with their summits shining in the sun
+and their glade-furrowed sides dimmed with purple shade. The gorge under
+our feet--called Allerheiligen--afforded room in the grassy level at its
+head for a cozy and delightful human nest, shut away from the world and
+its botherations, and consequently the monks of the old times had not
+failed to spy it out; and here were the brown and comely ruins of their
+church and convent to prove that priests had as fine an instinct seven
+hundred years ago in ferreting out the choicest nooks and corners in a
+land as priests have today.
+
+A big hotel crowds the ruins a little, now, and drives a brisk trade
+with summer tourists. We descended into the gorge and had a supper which
+would have been very satisfactory if the trout had not been boiled.
+The Germans are pretty sure to boil a trout or anything else if left to
+their own devices. This is an argument of some value in support of the
+theory that they were the original colonists of the wild islands of the
+coast of Scotland. A schooner laden with oranges was wrecked upon one
+of those islands a few years ago, and the gentle savages rendered the
+captain such willing assistance that he gave them as many oranges as
+they wanted. Next day he asked them how they liked them. They shook
+their heads and said:
+
+"Baked, they were tough; and even boiled, they warn't things for a
+hungry man to hanker after."
+
+We went down the glen after supper. It is beautiful--a mixture of sylvan
+loveliness and craggy wildness. A limpid torrent goes whistling down
+the glen, and toward the foot of it winds through a narrow cleft between
+lofty precipices and hurls itself over a succession of falls. After one
+passes the last of these he has a backward glimpse at the falls which
+is very pleasing--they rise in a seven-stepped stairway of foamy and
+glittering cascades, and make a picture which is as charming as it is
+unusual.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIII
+
+[Nicodemus Dodge and the Skeleton]
+
+
+We were satisfied that we could walk to Oppenau in one day, now that
+we were in practice; so we set out the next morning after breakfast
+determined to do it. It was all the way downhill, and we had the
+loveliest summer weather for it. So we set the pedometer and then
+stretched away on an easy, regular stride, down through the cloven
+forest, drawing in the fragrant breath of the morning in deep refreshing
+draughts, and wishing we might never have anything to do forever but
+walk to Oppenau and keep on doing it and then doing it over again.
+
+Now, the true charm of pedestrianism does not lie in the walking, or
+in the scenery, but in the talking. The walking is good to time the
+movement of the tongue by, and to keep the blood and the brain stirred
+up and active; the scenery and the woodsy smells are good to bear in
+upon a man an unconscious and unobtrusive charm and solace to eye and
+soul and sense; but the supreme pleasure comes from the talk. It is no
+matter whether one talks wisdom or nonsense, the case is the same, the
+bulk of the enjoyment lies in the wagging of the gladsome jaw and the
+flapping of the sympathetic ear.
+
+And what motley variety of subjects a couple of people will casually
+rake over in the course of a day's tramp! There being no constraint,
+a change of subject is always in order, and so a body is not likely to
+keep pegging at a single topic until it grows tiresome. We discussed
+everything we knew, during the first fifteen or twenty minutes, that
+morning, and then branched out into the glad, free, boundless realm of
+the things we were not certain about.
+
+Harris said that if the best writer in the world once got the slovenly
+habit of doubling up his "haves" he could never get rid of it while he
+lived. That is to say, if a man gets the habit of saying "I should
+have liked to have known more about it" instead of saying simply and
+sensibly, "I should have liked to know more about it," that man's
+disease is incurable. Harris said that his sort of lapse is to be found
+in every copy of every newspaper that has ever been printed in English,
+and in almost all of our books. He said he had observed it in Kirkham's
+grammar and in Macaulay. Harris believed that milk-teeth are commoner in
+men's mouths than those "doubled-up haves."
+
+I do not know that there have not been moments in the course of the
+present session when I should have been very glad to have accepted the
+proposal of my noble friend, and to have exchanged parts in some of our
+evenings of work.--[From a Speech of the English Chancellor of the
+Exchequer, August, 1879.]
+
+That changed the subject to dentistry. I said I believed the average
+man dreaded tooth-pulling more than amputation, and that he would yell
+quicker under the former operation than he would under the latter. The
+philosopher Harris said that the average man would not yell in either
+case if he had an audience. Then he continued:
+
+"When our brigade first went into camp on the Potomac, we used to be
+brought up standing, occasionally, by an ear-splitting howl of anguish.
+That meant that a soldier was getting a tooth pulled in a tent. But the
+surgeons soon changed that; they instituted open-air dentistry. There
+never was a howl afterward--that is, from the man who was having the
+tooth pulled. At the daily dental hour there would always be about five
+hundred soldiers gathered together in the neighborhood of that dental
+chair waiting to see the performance--and help; and the moment the
+surgeon took a grip on the candidate's tooth and began to lift, every
+one of those five hundred rascals would clap his hand to his jaw and
+begin to hop around on one leg and howl with all the lungs he had!
+It was enough to raise your hair to hear that variegated and enormous
+unanimous caterwaul burst out!
+
+
+
+With so big and so derisive an audience as that, a sufferer wouldn't
+emit a sound though you pulled his head off. The surgeons said that
+pretty often a patient was compelled to laugh, in the midst of his
+pangs, but that they had never caught one crying out, after the open-air
+exhibition was instituted."
+
+Dental surgeons suggested doctors, doctors suggested death, death
+suggested skeletons--and so, by a logical process the conversation
+melted out of one of these subjects and into the next, until the topic
+of skeletons raised up Nicodemus Dodge out of the deep grave in my
+memory where he had lain buried and forgotten for twenty-five years.
+When I was a boy in a printing-office in Missouri, a loose-jointed,
+long-legged, tow-headed, jeans-clad countrified cub of about sixteen
+lounged in one day, and without removing his hands from the depths of
+his trousers pockets or taking off his faded ruin of a slouch hat, whose
+broken rim hung limp and ragged about his eyes and ears like a bug-eaten
+cabbage leaf, stared indifferently around, then leaned his hip against
+the editor's table, crossed his mighty brogans, aimed at a distant
+fly from a crevice in his upper teeth, laid him low, and said with
+composure:
+
+"Whar's the boss?"
+
+"I am the boss," said the editor, following this curious bit of
+architecture wonderingly along up to its clock-face with his eye.
+
+"Don't want anybody fur to learn the business, 'tain't likely?"
+
+"Well, I don't know. Would you like to learn it?"
+
+
+
+"Pap's so po' he cain't run me no mo', so I want to git a show somers if
+I kin, 'taint no diffunce what--I'm strong and hearty, and I don't turn
+my back on no kind of work, hard nur soft."
+
+"Do you think you would like to learn the printing business?"
+
+"Well, I don't re'ly k'yer a durn what I DO learn, so's I git a chance
+fur to make my way. I'd jist as soon learn print'n's anything."
+
+"Can you read?"
+
+"Yes--middlin'."
+
+"Write?"
+
+"Well, I've seed people could lay over me thar."
+
+"Cipher?"
+
+"Not good enough to keep store, I don't reckon, but up as fur as
+twelve-times-twelve I ain't no slouch. 'Tother side of that is what gits
+me."
+
+"Where is your home?"
+
+"I'm f'm old Shelby."
+
+"What's your father's religious denomination?"
+
+"Him? Oh, he's a blacksmith."
+
+"No, no--I don't mean his trade. What's his RELIGIOUS DENOMINATION?"
+
+"OH--I didn't understand you befo'. He's a Freemason."
+
+"No, no, you don't get my meaning yet. What I mean is, does he belong to
+any CHURCH?"
+
+"NOW you're talkin'! Couldn't make out what you was a-tryin' to git
+through yo' head no way. B'long to a CHURCH! Why, boss, he's ben the
+pizenest kind of Free-will Babtis' for forty year. They ain't no pizener
+ones 'n what HE is. Mighty good man, pap is. Everybody says that. If
+they said any diffrunt they wouldn't say it whar I wuz--not MUCH they
+wouldn't."
+
+"What is your own religion?"
+
+"Well, boss, you've kind o' got me, there--and yit you hain't got me so
+mighty much, nuther. I think 't if a feller he'ps another feller when
+he's in trouble, and don't cuss, and don't do no mean things, nur
+noth'n' he ain' no business to do, and don't spell the Saviour's name
+with a little g, he ain't runnin' no resks--he's about as saift as he
+b'longed to a church."
+
+"But suppose he did spell it with a little g--what then?"
+
+"Well, if he done it a-purpose, I reckon he wouldn't stand no chance--he
+OUGHTN'T to have no chance, anyway, I'm most rotten certain 'bout that."
+
+"What is your name?"
+
+"Nicodemus Dodge."
+
+"I think maybe you'll do, Nicodemus. We'll give you a trial, anyway."
+
+"All right."
+
+"When would you like to begin?"
+
+"Now."
+
+So, within ten minutes after we had first glimpsed this nondescript he
+was one of us, and with his coat off and hard at it.
+
+Beyond that end of our establishment which was furthest from the street,
+was a deserted garden, pathless, and thickly grown with the bloomy and
+villainous "jimpson" weed and its common friend the stately sunflower.
+In the midst of this mournful spot was a decayed and aged little "frame"
+house with but one room, one window, and no ceiling--it had been a
+smoke-house a generation before. Nicodemus was given this lonely and
+ghostly den as a bedchamber.
+
+The village smarties recognized a treasure in Nicodemus, right away--a
+butt to play jokes on. It was easy to see that he was inconceivably
+green and confiding. George Jones had the glory of perpetrating the
+first joke on him; he gave him a cigar with a firecracker in it and
+winked to the crowd to come; the thing exploded presently and swept away
+the bulk of Nicodemus's eyebrows and eyelashes. He simply said:
+
+"I consider them kind of seeg'yars dangersome,"--and seemed to suspect
+nothing. The next evening Nicodemus waylaid George and poured a bucket
+of ice-water over him.
+
+One day, while Nicodemus was in swimming, Tom McElroy "tied" his
+clothes. Nicodemus made a bonfire of Tom's by way of retaliation.
+
+A third joke was played upon Nicodemus a day or two later--he walked
+up the middle aisle of the village church, Sunday night, with a staring
+handbill pinned between his shoulders. The joker spent the remainder
+of the night, after church, in the cellar of a deserted house, and
+Nicodemus sat on the cellar door till toward breakfast-time to make
+sure that the prisoner remembered that if any noise was made, some rough
+treatment would be the consequence. The cellar had two feet of stagnant
+water in it, and was bottomed with six inches of soft mud.
+
+
+
+But I wander from the point. It was the subject of skeletons that
+brought this boy back to my recollection. Before a very long time
+had elapsed, the village smarties began to feel an uncomfortable
+consciousness of not having made a very shining success out of their
+attempts on the simpleton from "old Shelby." Experimenters grew scarce
+and chary. Now the young doctor came to the rescue. There was delight
+and applause when he proposed to scare Nicodemus to death, and explained
+how he was going to do it. He had a noble new skeleton--the skeleton of
+the late and only local celebrity, Jimmy Finn, the village drunkard--a
+grisly piece of property which he had bought of Jimmy Finn himself, at
+auction, for fifty dollars, under great competition, when Jimmy lay very
+sick in the tan-yard a fortnight before his death. The fifty dollars had
+gone promptly for whiskey and had considerably hurried up the change of
+ownership in the skeleton. The doctor would put Jimmy Finn's skeleton in
+Nicodemus's bed!
+
+This was done--about half past ten in the evening. About Nicodemus's
+usual bedtime--midnight--the village jokers came creeping stealthily
+through the jimpson weeds and sunflowers toward the lonely frame den.
+They reached the window and peeped in. There sat the long-legged pauper,
+on his bed, in a very short shirt, and nothing more; he was dangling
+his legs contentedly back and forth, and wheezing the music of "Camptown
+Races" out of a paper-overlaid comb which he was pressing against his
+mouth; by him lay a new jewsharp, a new top, and solid india-rubber
+ball, a handful of painted marbles, five pounds of "store" candy, and
+a well-gnawed slab of gingerbread as big and as thick as a volume of
+sheet-music. He had sold the skeleton to a traveling quack for three
+dollars and was enjoying the result!
+
+
+
+Just as we had finished talking about skeletons and were drifting into
+the subject of fossils, Harris and I heard a shout, and glanced up the
+steep hillside. We saw men and women standing away up there looking
+frightened, and there was a bulky object tumbling and floundering down
+the steep slope toward us. We got out of the way, and when the object
+landed in the road it proved to be a boy. He had tripped and fallen, and
+there was nothing for him to do but trust to luck and take what might
+come.
+
+When one starts to roll down a place like that, there is no stopping
+till the bottom is reached. Think of people FARMING on a slant which is
+so steep that the best you can say of it--if you want to be fastidiously
+accurate--is, that it is a little steeper than a ladder and not quite
+so steep as a mansard roof. But that is what they do. Some of the little
+farms on the hillside opposite Heidelberg were stood up "edgeways."
+The boy was wonderfully jolted up, and his head was bleeding, from cuts
+which it had got from small stones on the way.
+
+
+
+Harris and I gathered him up and set him on a stone, and by that time
+the men and women had scampered down and brought his cap.
+
+Men, women, and children flocked out from neighboring cottages
+and joined the crowd; the pale boy was petted, and stared at, and
+commiserated, and water was brought for him to drink and bathe his
+bruises in. And such another clatter of tongues! All who had seen the
+catastrophe were describing it at once, and each trying to talk louder
+than his neighbor; and one youth of a superior genius ran a little way
+up the hill, called attention, tripped, fell, rolled down among us, and
+thus triumphantly showed exactly how the thing had been done.
+
+Harris and I were included in all the descriptions; how we were coming
+along; how Hans Gross shouted; how we looked up startled; how we saw
+Peter coming like a cannon-shot; how judiciously we got out of the way,
+and let him come; and with what presence of mind we picked him up and
+brushed him off and set him on a rock when the performance was over.
+We were as much heroes as anybody else, except Peter, and were so
+recognized; we were taken with Peter and the populace to Peter's
+mother's cottage, and there we ate bread and cheese, and drank milk and
+beer with everybody, and had a most sociable good time; and when we left
+we had a handshake all around, and were receiving and shouting back LEB'
+WOHL's until a turn in the road separated us from our cordial and kindly
+new friends forever.
+
+We accomplished our undertaking. At half past eight in the evening
+we stepped into Oppenau, just eleven hours and a half out of
+Allerheiligen--one hundred and forty-six miles. This is the distance by
+pedometer; the guide-book and the Imperial Ordinance maps make it only
+ten and a quarter--a surprising blunder, for these two authorities are
+usually singularly accurate in the matter of distances.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIV
+
+[I Protect the Empress of Germany]
+
+
+That was a thoroughly satisfactory walk--and the only one we were ever
+to have which was all the way downhill. We took the train next morning
+and returned to Baden-Baden through fearful fogs of dust. Every seat was
+crowded, too; for it was Sunday, and consequently everybody was taking
+a "pleasure" excursion. Hot! the sky was an oven--and a sound one,
+too, with no cracks in it to let in any air. An odd time for a pleasure
+excursion, certainly!
+
+Sunday is the great day on the continent--the free day, the happy day.
+One can break the Sabbath in a hundred ways without committing any sin.
+
+We do not work on Sunday, because the commandment forbids it; the
+Germans do not work on Sunday, because the commandment forbids it. We
+rest on Sunday, because the commandment requires it; the Germans rest on
+Sunday because the commandment requires it. But in the definition of
+the word "rest" lies all the difference. With us, its Sunday meaning
+is, stay in the house and keep still; with the Germans its Sunday and
+week-day meanings seem to be the same--rest the TIRED PART, and never
+mind the other parts of the frame; rest the tired part, and use the
+means best calculated to rest that particular part. Thus: If one's
+duties have kept him in the house all the week, it will rest him to
+be out on Sunday; if his duties have required him to read weighty and
+serious matter all the week, it will rest him to read light matter on
+Sunday; if his occupation has busied him with death and funerals all the
+week, it will rest him to go to the theater Sunday night and put in two
+or three hours laughing at a comedy; if he is tired with digging ditches
+or felling trees all the week, it will rest him to lie quiet in the
+house on Sunday; if the hand, the arm, the brain, the tongue, or any
+other member, is fatigued with inanition, it is not to be rested by
+addeding a day's inanition; but if a member is fatigued with exertion,
+inanition is the right rest for it. Such is the way in which the Germans
+seem to define the word "rest"; that is to say, they rest a member by
+recreating, recuperating, restoring its forces. But our definition is
+less broad. We all rest alike on Sunday--by secluding ourselves and
+keeping still, whether that is the surest way to rest the most of us or
+not. The Germans make the actors, the preachers, etc., work on Sunday.
+We encourage the preachers, the editors, the printers, etc., to work on
+Sunday, and imagine that none of the sin of it falls upon us; but I do
+not know how we are going to get around the fact that if it is wrong for
+the printer to work at his trade on Sunday it must be equally wrong for
+the preacher to work at his, since the commandment has made no exception
+in his favor. We buy Monday morning's paper and read it, and thus
+encourage Sunday printing. But I shall never do it again.
+
+
+
+The Germans remember the Sabbath-day to keep it holy, by abstaining
+from work, as commanded; we keep it holy by abstaining from work, as
+commanded, and by also abstaining from play, which is not commanded.
+Perhaps we constructively BREAK the command to rest, because the resting
+we do is in most cases only a name, and not a fact.
+
+These reasonings have sufficed, in a measure, to mend the rent in my
+conscience which I made by traveling to Baden-Baden that Sunday. We
+arrived in time to furbish up and get to the English church before
+services began. We arrived in considerable style, too, for the landlord
+had ordered the first carriage that could be found, since there was no
+time to lose, and our coachman was so splendidly liveried that we were
+probably mistaken for a brace of stray dukes; why else were we honored
+with a pew all to ourselves, away up among the very elect at the left of
+the chancel? That was my first thought. In the pew directly in front of
+us sat an elderly lady, plainly and cheaply dressed; at her side sat
+a young lady with a very sweet face, and she also was quite simply
+dressed; but around us and about us were clothes and jewels which it
+would do anybody's heart good to worship in.
+
+I thought it was pretty manifest that the elderly lady was embarrassed
+at finding herself in such a conspicuous place arrayed in such cheap
+apparel; I began to feel sorry for her and troubled about her. She
+tried to seem very busy with her prayer-book and her responses, and
+unconscious that she was out of place, but I said to myself, "She is
+not succeeding--there is a distressed tremulousness in her voice which
+betrays increasing embarrassment." Presently the Savior's name was
+mentioned, and in her flurry she lost her head completely, and rose and
+courtesied, instead of making a slight nod as everybody else did. The
+sympathetic blood surged to my temples and I turned and gave those fine
+birds what I intended to be a beseeching look, but my feelings got the
+better of me and changed it into a look which said, "If any of you pets
+of fortune laugh at this poor soul, you will deserve to be flayed for
+it." Things went from bad to worse, and I shortly found myself mentally
+taking the unfriended lady under my protection. My mind was wholly upon
+her. I forgot all about the sermon. Her embarrassment took stronger
+and stronger hold upon her; she got to snapping the lid of her
+smelling-bottle--it made a loud, sharp sound, but in her trouble she
+snapped and snapped away, unconscious of what she was doing. The last
+extremity was reached when the collection-plate began its rounds; the
+moderate people threw in pennies, the nobles and the rich contributed
+silver, but she laid a twenty-mark gold piece upon the book-rest before
+her with a sounding slap! I said to myself, "She has parted with all her
+little hoard to buy the consideration of these unpitying people--it is a
+sorrowful spectacle." I did not venture to look around this time; but
+as the service closed, I said to myself, "Let them laugh, it is their
+opportunity; but at the door of this church they shall see her step into
+our fine carriage with us, and our gaudy coachman shall drive her home."
+
+
+
+Then she rose--and all the congregation stood while she walked down the
+aisle. She was the Empress of Germany!
+
+No--she had not been so much embarrassed as I had supposed. My
+imagination had got started on the wrong scent, and that is always
+hopeless; one is sure, then, to go straight on misinterpreting
+everything, clear through to the end. The young lady with her imperial
+Majesty was a maid of honor--and I had been taking her for one of her
+boarders, all the time.
+
+This is the only time I have ever had an Empress under my personal
+protection; and considering my inexperience, I wonder I got through
+with it so well. I should have been a little embarrassed myself if I had
+known earlier what sort of a contract I had on my hands.
+
+We found that the Empress had been in Baden-Baden several days. It is
+said that she never attends any but the English form of church service.
+
+I lay abed and read and rested from my journey's fatigues the remainder
+of that Sunday, but I sent my agent to represent me at the afternoon
+service, for I never allow anything to interfere with my habit of
+attending church twice every Sunday.
+
+There was a vast crowd in the public grounds that night to hear the band
+play the "Fremersberg." This piece tells one of the old legends of the
+region; how a great noble of the Middle Ages got lost in the mountains,
+and wandered about with his dogs in a violent storm, until at last
+the faint tones of a monastery bell, calling the monks to a midnight
+service, caught his ear, and he followed the direction the sounds came
+from and was saved. A beautiful air ran through the music, without
+ceasing, sometimes loud and strong, sometimes so soft that it could
+hardly be distinguished--but it was always there; it swung grandly along
+through the shrill whistling of the storm-wind, the rattling patter of
+the rain, and the boom and crash of the thunder; it wound soft and low
+through the lesser sounds, the distant ones, such as the throbbing
+of the convent bell, the melodious winding of the hunter's horn, the
+distressed bayings of his dogs, and the solemn chanting of the monks;
+it rose again, with a jubilant ring, and mingled itself with the country
+songs and dances of the peasants assembled in the convent hall to
+cheer up the rescued huntsman while he ate his supper. The instruments
+imitated all these sounds with a marvelous exactness. More than one man
+started to raise his umbrella when the storm burst forth and the sheets
+of mimic rain came driving by; it was hardly possible to keep from
+putting your hand to your hat when the fierce wind began to rage and
+shriek; and it was NOT possible to refrain from starting when those
+sudden and charmingly real thunder-crashes were let loose.
+
+
+
+I suppose the "Fremersberg" is a very low-grade music; I know, indeed,
+that it MUST be low-grade music, because it delighted me, warmed me,
+moved me, stirred me, uplifted me, enraptured me, that I was full of
+cry all the time, and mad with enthusiasm. My soul had never had such a
+scouring out since I was born. The solemn and majestic chanting of the
+monks was not done by instruments, but by men's voices; and it rose
+and fell, and rose again in that rich confusion of warring sounds, and
+pulsing bells, and the stately swing of that ever-present enchanting
+air, and it seemed to me that nothing but the very lowest of low-grade
+music COULD be so divinely beautiful. The great crowd which the
+"Fremersberg" had called out was another evidence that it was low-grade
+music; for only the few are educated up to a point where high-grade
+music gives pleasure. I have never heard enough classic music to be able
+to enjoy it. I dislike the opera because I want to love it and can't.
+
+I suppose there are two kinds of music--one kind which one feels, just
+as an oyster might, and another sort which requires a higher faculty,
+a faculty which must be assisted and developed by teaching. Yet if base
+music gives certain of us wings, why should we want any other? But we
+do. We want it because the higher and better like it. We want it without
+giving it the necessary time and trouble; so we climb into that upper
+tier, that dress-circle, by a lie; we PRETEND we like it. I know several
+of that sort of people--and I propose to be one of them myself when I
+get home with my fine European education.
+
+And then there is painting. What a red rag is to a bull, Turner's "Slave
+Ship" was to me, before I studied art. Mr. Ruskin is educated in art
+up to a point where that picture throws him into as mad an ecstasy of
+pleasure as it used to throw me into one of rage, last year, when I was
+ignorant. His cultivation enables him--and me, now--to see water in that
+glaring yellow mud, and natural effects in those lurid explosions
+of mixed smoke and flame, and crimson sunset glories; it reconciles
+him--and me, now--to the floating of iron cable-chains and other
+unfloatable things; it reconciles us to fishes swimming around on top
+of the mud--I mean the water. The most of the picture is a manifest
+impossibility--that is to say, a lie; and only rigid cultivation can
+enable a man to find truth in a lie. But it enabled Mr. Ruskin to do
+it, and it has enabled me to do it, and I am thankful for it. A Boston
+newspaper reporter went and took a look at the Slave Ship floundering
+about in that fierce conflagration of reds and yellows, and said it
+reminded him of a tortoise-shell cat having a fit in a platter
+of tomatoes. In my then uneducated state, that went home to my
+non-cultivation, and I thought here is a man with an unobstructed eye.
+Mr. Ruskin would have said: This person is an ass. That is what I would
+say, now.
+
+Months after this was written, I happened into the National Gallery in
+London, and soon became so fascinated with the Turner pictures that I
+could hardly get away from the place. I went there often, afterward,
+meaning to see the rest of the gallery, but the Turner spell was too
+strong; it could not be shaken off. However, the Turners which attracted
+me most did not remind me of the Slave Ship.
+
+However, our business in Baden-Baden this time, was to join our courier.
+I had thought it best to hire one, as we should be in Italy, by and by,
+and we did not know the language. Neither did he. We found him at the
+hotel, ready to take charge of us. I asked him if he was "all fixed." He
+said he was. That was very true. He had a trunk, two small satchels,
+and an umbrella. I was to pay him fifty-five dollars a month and railway
+fares. On the continent the railway fare on a trunk is about the same
+it is on a man. Couriers do not have to pay any board and lodging. This
+seems a great saving to the tourist--at first. It does not occur to the
+tourist that SOMEBODY pays that man's board and lodging. It occurs to
+him by and by, however, in one of his lucid moments.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXV
+
+[Hunted by the Little Chamois]
+
+
+
+Next morning we left in the train for Switzerland, and reached Lucerne
+about ten o'clock at night. The first discovery I made was that the
+beauty of the lake had not been exaggerated. Within a day or two I made
+another discovery. This was, that the lauded chamois is not a wild goat;
+that it is not a horned animal; that it is not shy; that it does not
+avoid human society; and that there is no peril in hunting it.
+
+
+
+The chamois is a black or brown creature no bigger than a mustard seed;
+you do not have to go after it, it comes after you; it arrives in vast
+herds and skips and scampers all over your body, inside your clothes;
+thus it is not shy, but extremely sociable; it is not afraid of man, on
+the contrary, it will attack him; its bite is not dangerous, but neither
+is it pleasant; its activity has not been overstated --if you try to put
+your finger on it, it will skip a thousand times its own length at one
+jump, and no eye is sharp enough to see where it lights. A great deal
+of romantic nonsense has been written about the Swiss chamois and the
+perils of hunting it, whereas the truth is that even women and children
+hunt it, and fearlessly; indeed, everybody hunts it; the hunting is
+going on all the time, day and night, in bed and out of it. It is poetic
+foolishness to hunt it with a gun; very few people do that; there is
+not one man in a million who can hit it with a gun. It is much easier to
+catch it than it is to shoot it, and only the experienced chamois-hunter
+can do either. Another common piece of exaggeration is that about the
+"scarcity" of the chamois. It is the reverse of scarce. Droves of one
+hundred million chamois are not unusual in the Swiss hotels. Indeed,
+they are so numerous as to be a great pest. The romancers always dress
+up the chamois-hunter in a fanciful and picturesque costume, whereas the
+best way to hunt this game is to do it without any costume at all.
+
+
+
+The article of commerce called chamois-skin is another fraud; nobody
+could skin a chamois, it is too small. The creature is a humbug in
+every way, and everything which has been written about it is sentimental
+exaggeration. It was no pleasure to me to find the chamois out, for he
+had been one of my pet illusions; all my life it had been my dream to
+see him in his native wilds some day, and engage in the adventurous
+sport of chasing him from cliff to cliff. It is no pleasure to me to
+expose him, now, and destroy the reader's delight in him and respect for
+him, but still it must be done, for when an honest writer discovers an
+imposition it is his simple duty to strip it bare and hurl it down from
+its place of honor, no matter who suffers by it; any other course would
+render him unworthy of the public confidence.
+
+Lucerne is a charming place. It begins at the water's edge, with a
+fringe of hotels, and scrambles up and spreads itself over two or three
+sharp hills in a crowded, disorderly, but picturesque way, offering
+to the eye a heaped-up confusion of red roofs, quaint gables, dormer
+windows, toothpick steeples, with here and there a bit of ancient
+embattled wall bending itself over the ridges, worm-fashion, and here
+and there an old square tower of heavy masonry. And also here and there
+a town clock with only one hand--a hand which stretches across the dial
+and has no joint in it; such a clock helps out the picture, but you
+cannot tell the time of day by it. Between the curving line of hotels
+and the lake is a broad avenue with lamps and a double rank of low shade
+trees. The lake-front is walled with masonry like a pier, and has
+a railing, to keep people from walking overboard. All day long the
+vehicles dash along the avenue, and nurses, children, and tourists sit
+in the shade of the trees, or lean on the railing and watch the schools
+of fishes darting about in the clear water, or gaze out over the lake
+at the stately border of snow-hooded mountain peaks. Little pleasure
+steamers, black with people, are coming and going all the time; and
+everywhere one sees young girls and young men paddling about in fanciful
+rowboats, or skimming along by the help of sails when there is any wind.
+The front rooms of the hotels have little railed balconies, where one
+may take his private luncheon in calm, cool comfort and look down upon
+this busy and pretty scene and enjoy it without having to do any of the
+work connected with it.
+
+Most of the people, both male and female, are in walking costume, and
+carry alpenstocks. Evidently, it is not considered safe to go about in
+Switzerland, even in town, without an alpenstock. If the tourist forgets
+and comes down to breakfast without his alpenstock he goes back and gets
+it, and stands it up in the corner. When his touring in Switzerland is
+finished, he does not throw that broomstick away, but lugs it home
+with him, to the far corners of the earth, although this costs him
+more trouble and bother than a baby or a courier could. You see, the
+alpenstock is his trophy; his name is burned upon it; and if he has
+climbed a hill, or jumped a brook, or traversed a brickyard with it, he
+has the names of those places burned upon it, too.
+
+
+
+Thus it is his regimental flag, so to speak, and bears the record of his
+achievements. It is worth three francs when he buys it, but a bonanza
+could not purchase it after his great deeds have been inscribed upon it.
+There are artisans all about Switzerland whose trade it is to burn
+these things upon the alpenstock of the tourist. And observe, a man is
+respected in Switzerland according to his alpenstock. I found I could
+get no attention there, while I carried an unbranded one. However,
+branding is not expected, so I soon remedied that. The effect upon
+the next detachment of tourists was very marked. I felt repaid for my
+trouble.
+
+Half of the summer horde in Switzerland is made up of English people;
+the other half is made up of many nationalities, the Germans leading and
+the Americans coming next. The Americans were not as numerous as I had
+expected they would be.
+
+The seven-thirty table d'hote at the great Schweitzerhof furnished
+a mighty array and variety of nationalities, but it offered a better
+opportunity to observe costumes than people, for the multitude sat
+at immensely long tables, and therefore the faces were mainly seen in
+perspective; but the breakfasts were served at small round tables,
+and then if one had the fortune to get a table in the midst of the
+assemblage he could have as many faces to study as he could desire.
+We used to try to guess out the nationalities, and generally succeeded
+tolerably well. Sometimes we tried to guess people's names; but that
+was a failure; that is a thing which probably requires a good deal of
+practice. We presently dropped it and gave our efforts to less difficult
+particulars. One morning I said:
+
+"There is an American party."
+
+Harris said:
+
+"Yes--but name the state."
+
+I named one state, Harris named another. We agreed upon one thing,
+however--that the young girl with the party was very beautiful, and
+very tastefully dressed. But we disagreed as to her age. I said she was
+eighteen, Harris said she was twenty. The dispute between us waxed warm,
+and I finally said, with a pretense of being in earnest:
+
+"Well, there is one way to settle the matter--I will go and ask her."
+
+
+
+Harris said, sarcastically, "Certainly, that is the thing to do. All you
+need to do is to use the common formula over here: go and say, 'I'm an
+American!' Of course she will be glad to see you."
+
+Then he hinted that perhaps there was no great danger of my venturing to
+speak to her.
+
+I said, "I was only talking--I didn't intend to approach her, but I see
+that you do not know what an intrepid person I am. I am not afraid of
+any woman that walks. I will go and speak to this young girl."
+
+The thing I had in my mind was not difficult. I meant to address her
+in the most respectful way and ask her to pardon me if her strong
+resemblance to a former acquaintance of mine was deceiving me; and when
+she should reply that the name I mentioned was not the name she bore, I
+meant to beg pardon again, most respectfully, and retire. There would be
+no harm done. I walked to her table, bowed to the gentleman, then turned
+to her and was about to begin my little speech when she exclaimed:
+
+"I KNEW I wasn't mistaken--I told John it was you! John said it probably
+wasn't, but I knew I was right. I said you would recognize me presently
+and come over; and I'm glad you did, for I shouldn't have felt much
+flattered if you had gone out of this room without recognizing me.
+Sit down, sit down--how odd it is--you are the last person I was ever
+expecting to see again."
+
+
+
+This was a stupefying surprise. It took my wits clear away, for an
+instant. However, we shook hands cordially all around, and I sat down.
+But truly this was the tightest place I ever was in. I seemed to vaguely
+remember the girl's face, now, but I had no idea where I had seen it
+before, or what name belonged with it. I immediately tried to get up a
+diversion about Swiss scenery, to keep her from launching into topics
+that might betray that I did not know her, but it was of no use, she
+went right along upon matters which interested her more:
+
+"Oh dear, what a night that was, when the sea washed the forward boats
+away--do you remember it?"
+
+"Oh, DON'T I!" said I--but I didn't. I wished the sea had washed the
+rudder and the smoke-stack and the captain away--then I could have
+located this questioner.
+
+"And don't you remember how frightened poor Mary was, and how she
+cried?"
+
+"Indeed I do!" said I. "Dear me, how it all comes back!"
+
+I fervently wished it WOULD come back--but my memory was a blank. The
+wise way would have been to frankly own up; but I could not bring myself
+to do that, after the young girl had praised me so for recognizing her;
+so I went on, deeper and deeper into the mire, hoping for a chance clue
+but never getting one. The Unrecognizable continued, with vivacity:
+
+"Do you know, George married Mary, after all?"
+
+"Why, no! Did he?"
+
+"Indeed he did. He said he did not believe she was half as much to blame
+as her father was, and I thought he was right. Didn't you?"
+
+"Of course he was. It was a perfectly plain case. I always said so."
+
+"Why, no you didn't!--at least that summer."
+
+"Oh, no, not that summer. No, you are perfectly right about that. It was
+the following winter that I said it."
+
+"Well, as it turned out, Mary was not in the least to blame --it was all
+her father's fault--at least his and old Darley's."
+
+It was necessary to say something--so I said:
+
+"I always regarded Darley as a troublesome old thing."
+
+"So he was, but then they always had a great affection for him, although
+he had so many eccentricities. You remember that when the weather was
+the least cold, he would try to come into the house."
+
+I was rather afraid to proceed. Evidently Darley was not a man--he
+must be some other kind of animal--possibly a dog, maybe an elephant.
+However, tails are common to all animals, so I ventured to say:
+
+"And what a tail he had!"
+
+"ONE! He had a thousand!"
+
+This was bewildering. I did not quite know what to say, so I only said:
+
+"Yes, he WAS rather well fixed in the matter of tails."
+
+"For a negro, and a crazy one at that, I should say he was," said she.
+
+It was getting pretty sultry for me. I said to myself, "Is it possible
+she is going to stop there, and wait for me to speak? If she does, the
+conversation is blocked. A negro with a thousand tails is a topic which
+a person cannot talk upon fluently and instructively without more or
+less preparation. As to diving rashly into such a vast subject--"
+
+But here, to my gratitude, she interrupted my thoughts by saying:
+
+"Yes, when it came to tales of his crazy woes, there was simply no
+end to them if anybody would listen. His own quarters were comfortable
+enough, but when the weather was cold, the family were sure to have his
+company--nothing could keep him out of the house. But they always bore
+it kindly because he had saved Tom's life, years before. You remember
+Tom?
+
+"Oh, perfectly. Fine fellow he was, too."
+
+"Yes he was. And what a pretty little thing his child was!"
+
+"You may well say that. I never saw a prettier child."
+
+"I used to delight to pet it and dandle it and play with it."
+
+"So did I."
+
+"You named it. What WAS that name? I can't call it to mind."
+
+It appeared to me that the ice was getting pretty thin, here. I would
+have given something to know what the child's was. However, I had the
+good luck to think of a name that would fit either sex--so I brought it
+out:
+
+"I named it Frances."
+
+"From a relative, I suppose? But you named the one that died, too--one
+that I never saw. What did you call that one?"
+
+I was out of neutral names, but as the child was dead and she had
+never seen it, I thought I might risk a name for it and trust to luck.
+Therefore I said:
+
+"I called that one Thomas Henry."
+
+She said, musingly:
+
+"That is very singular ... very singular."
+
+I sat still and let the cold sweat run down. I was in a good deal of
+trouble, but I believed I could worry through if she wouldn't ask me
+to name any more children. I wondered where the lightning was going to
+strike next. She was still ruminating over that last child's title, but
+presently she said:
+
+"I have always been sorry you were away at the time--I would have had
+you name my child."
+
+"YOUR child! Are you married?"
+
+"I have been married thirteen years."
+
+"Christened, you mean."
+
+`"No, married. The youth by your side is my son."
+
+"It seems incredible--even impossible. I do not mean any harm by it, but
+would you mind telling me if you are any over eighteen?--that is to say,
+will you tell me how old you are?"
+
+"I was just nineteen the day of the storm we were talking about. That
+was my birthday."
+
+That did not help matters, much, as I did not know the date of the
+storm. I tried to think of some non-committal thing to say, to keep up
+my end of the talk, and render my poverty in the matter of reminiscences
+as little noticeable as possible, but I seemed to be about out of
+non-committal things. I was about to say, "You haven't changed a bit
+since then"--but that was risky. I thought of saying, "You have improved
+ever so much since then"--but that wouldn't answer, of course. I was
+about to try a shy at the weather, for a saving change, when the girl
+slipped in ahead of me and said:
+
+"How I have enjoyed this talk over those happy old times--haven't you?"
+
+"I never have spent such a half-hour in all my life before!" said I,
+with emotion; and I could have added, with a near approach to truth,
+"and I would rather be scalped than spend another one like it." I was
+holily grateful to be through with the ordeal, and was about to make my
+good-bys and get out, when the girl said:
+
+"But there is one thing that is ever so puzzling to me."
+
+"Why, what is that?"
+
+"That dead child's name. What did you say it was?"
+
+Here was another balmy place to be in: I had forgotten the child's name;
+I hadn't imagined it would be needed again. However, I had to pretend to
+know, anyway, so I said:
+
+"Joseph William."
+
+The youth at my side corrected me, and said:
+
+"No, Thomas Henry."
+
+I thanked him--in words--and said, with trepidation:
+
+"O yes--I was thinking of another child that I named--I have named
+a great many, and I get them confused--this one was named Henry
+Thompson--"
+
+"Thomas Henry," calmly interposed the boy.
+
+I thanked him again--strictly in words--and stammered out:
+
+"Thomas Henry--yes, Thomas Henry was the poor child's name. I named
+him for Thomas--er--Thomas Carlyle, the great author, you know--and
+Henry--er--er--Henry the Eighth. The parents were very grateful to have
+a child named Thomas Henry."
+
+"That makes it more singular than ever," murmured my beautiful friend.
+
+"Does it? Why?"
+
+"Because when the parents speak of that child now, they always call it
+Susan Amelia."
+
+That spiked my gun. I could not say anything. I was entirely out of
+verbal obliquities; to go further would be to lie, and that I would not
+do; so I simply sat still and suffered--sat mutely and resignedly there,
+and sizzled--for I was being slowly fried to death in my own blushes.
+Presently the enemy laughed a happy laugh and said:
+
+"I HAVE enjoyed this talk over old times, but you have not. I saw very
+soon that you were only pretending to know me, and so as I had wasted a
+compliment on you in the beginning, I made up my mind to punish you. And
+I have succeeded pretty well. I was glad to see that you knew George and
+Tom and Darley, for I had never heard of them before and therefore could
+not be sure that you had; and I was glad to learn the names of those
+imaginary children, too. One can get quite a fund of information out
+of you if one goes at it cleverly. Mary and the storm, and the sweeping
+away of the forward boats, were facts--all the rest was fiction. Mary
+was my sister; her full name was Mary ------. NOW do you remember me?"
+
+"Yes," I said, "I do remember you now; and you are as hard-headed as you
+were thirteen years ago in that ship, else you wouldn't have punished me
+so. You haven't changed your nature nor your person, in any way at all;
+you look as young as you did then, you are just as beautiful as you were
+then, and you have transmitted a deal of your comeliness to this fine
+boy. There--if that speech moves you any, let's fly the flag of truce,
+with the understanding that I am conquered and confess it."
+
+All of which was agreed to and accomplished, on the spot. When I went
+back to Harris, I said:
+
+"Now you see what a person with talent and address can do."
+
+"Excuse me, I see what a person of colossal ignorance and simplicity can
+do. The idea of your going and intruding on a party of strangers, that
+way, and talking for half an hour; why I never heard of a man in his
+right mind doing such a thing before. What did you say to them?"
+
+
+
+"I never said any harm. I merely asked the girl what her name was."
+
+"I don't doubt it. Upon my word I don't. I think you were capable of it.
+It was stupid in me to let you go over there and make such an exhibition
+of yourself. But you know I couldn't really believe you would do such an
+inexcusable thing. What will those people think of us? But how did you
+say it?--I mean the manner of it. I hope you were not abrupt."
+
+"No, I was careful about that. I said, 'My friend and I would like to
+know what your name is, if you don't mind.'"
+
+"No, that was not abrupt. There is a polish about it that does you
+infinite credit. And I am glad you put me in; that was a delicate
+attention which I appreciate at its full value. What did she do?"
+
+"She didn't do anything in particular. She told me her name."
+
+"Simply told you her name. Do you mean to say she did not show any
+surprise?"
+
+"Well, now I come to think, she did show something; maybe it was
+surprise; I hadn't thought of that--I took it for gratification."
+
+"Oh, undoubtedly you were right; it must have been gratification; it
+could not be otherwise than gratifying to be assaulted by a stranger
+with such a question as that. Then what did you do?"
+
+"I offered my hand and the party gave me a shake."
+
+"I saw it! I did not believe my own eyes, at the time. Did the gentleman
+say anything about cutting your throat?"
+
+"No, they all seemed glad to see me, as far as I could judge."
+
+"And do you know, I believe they were. I think they said to themselves,
+'Doubtless this curiosity has got away from his keeper--let us amuse
+ourselves with him.' There is no other way of accounting for their
+facile docility. You sat down. Did they ASK you to sit down?"
+
+"No, they did not ask me, but I suppose they did not think of it."
+
+"You have an unerring instinct. What else did you do? What did you talk
+about?"
+
+"Well, I asked the girl how old she was."
+
+"UNdoubtedly. Your delicacy is beyond praise. Go on, go on--don't mind
+my apparent misery--I always look so when I am steeped in a profound and
+reverent joy. Go on--she told you her age?"
+
+"Yes, she told me her age, and all about her mother, and her
+grandmother, and her other relations, and all about herself."
+
+"Did she volunteer these statistics?"
+
+"No, not exactly that. I asked the questions and she answered them."
+
+"This is divine. Go on--it is not possible that you forgot to inquire
+into her politics?"
+
+"No, I thought of that. She is a democrat, her husband is a republican,
+and both of them are Baptists."
+
+"Her husband? Is that child married?"
+
+"She is not a child. She is married, and that is her husband who is
+there with her."
+
+"Has she any children."
+
+"Yes--seven and a half."
+
+"That is impossible."
+
+"No, she has them. She told me herself."
+
+"Well, but seven and a HALF? How do you make out the half? Where does
+the half come in?"
+
+"There is a child which she had by another husband--not this one
+but another one--so it is a stepchild, and they do not count in full
+measure."
+
+"Another husband? Has she another husband?"
+
+"Yes, four. This one is number four."
+
+"I don't believe a word of it. It is impossible, upon its face. Is that
+boy there her brother?"
+
+"No, that is her son. He is her youngest. He is not as old as he looked;
+he is only eleven and a half."
+
+"These things are all manifestly impossible. This is a wretched
+business. It is a plain case: they simply took your measure, and
+concluded to fill you up. They seem to have succeeded. I am glad I am
+not in the mess; they may at least be charitable enough to think there
+ain't a pair of us. Are they going to stay here long?"
+
+"No, they leave before noon."
+
+"There is one man who is deeply grateful for that. How did you find out?
+You asked, I suppose?"
+
+"No, along at first I inquired into their plans, in a general way, and
+they said they were going to be here a week, and make trips round about;
+but toward the end of the interview, when I said you and I would tour
+around with them with pleasure, and offered to bring you over and
+introduce you, they hesitated a little, and asked if you were from the
+same establishment that I was. I said you were, and then they said they
+had changed their mind and considered it necessary to start at once and
+visit a sick relative in Siberia."
+
+"Ah, me, you struck the summit! You struck the loftiest altitude of
+stupidity that human effort has ever reached. You shall have a monument
+of jackasses' skulls as high as the Strasburg spire if you die before
+I do. They wanted to know I was from the same 'establishment' that you
+hailed from, did they? What did they mean by 'establishment'?"
+
+"I don't know; it never occurred to me to ask."
+
+"Well I know. They meant an asylum--an IDIOT asylum, do you understand?
+So they DO think there's a pair of us, after all. Now what do you think
+of yourself?"
+
+"Well, I don't know. I didn't know I was doing any harm; I didn't MEAN
+to do any harm. They were very nice people, and they seemed to like me."
+
+Harris made some rude remarks and left for his bedroom--to break some
+furniture, he said. He was a singularly irascible man; any little thing
+would disturb his temper.
+
+I had been well scorched by the young woman, but no matter, I took it
+out on Harris. One should always "get even" in some way, else the sore
+place will go on hurting.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVI
+
+[The Nest of the Cuckoo-clock]
+
+
+The Hofkirche is celebrated for its organ concerts. All summer long the
+tourists flock to that church about six o'clock in the evening, and pay
+their franc, and listen to the noise. They don't stay to hear all of
+it, but get up and tramp out over the sounding stone floor, meeting late
+comers who tramp in in a sounding and vigorous way. This tramping
+back and forth is kept up nearly all the time, and is accented by
+the continuous slamming of the door, and the coughing and barking and
+sneezing of the crowd. Meantime, the big organ is booming and crashing
+and thundering away, doing its best to prove that it is the biggest and
+best organ in Europe, and that a tight little box of a church is the
+most favorable place to average and appreciate its powers in. It is
+true, there were some soft and merciful passages occasionally, but the
+tramp-tramp of the tourists only allowed one to get fitful glimpses of
+them, so to speak. Then right away the organist would let go another
+avalanche.
+
+The commerce of Lucerne consists mainly in gimcrackery of the souvenir
+sort; the shops are packed with Alpine crystals, photographs of
+scenery, and wooden and ivory carvings. I will not conceal the fact that
+miniature figures of the Lion of Lucerne are to be had in them. Millions
+of them. But they are libels upon him, every one of them. There is a
+subtle something about the majestic pathos of the original which the
+copyist cannot get. Even the sun fails to get it; both the photographer
+and the carver give you a dying lion, and that is all. The shape is
+right, the attitude is right, the proportions are right, but that
+indescribable something which makes the Lion of Lucerne the most
+mournful and moving piece of stone in the world, is wanting.
+
+The Lion lies in his lair in the perpendicular face of a low cliff--for
+he is carved from the living rock of the cliff. His size is colossal,
+his attitude is noble. His head is bowed, the broken spear is sticking
+in his shoulder, his protecting paw rests upon the lilies of France.
+Vines hang down the cliff and wave in the wind, and a clear stream
+trickles from above and empties into a pond at the base, and in the
+smooth surface of the pond the lion is mirrored, among the water-lilies.
+
+
+
+Around about are green trees and grass. The place is a sheltered,
+reposeful woodland nook, remote from noise and stir and confusion--and
+all this is fitting, for lions do die in such places, and not on granite
+pedestals in public squares fenced with fancy iron railings. The Lion of
+Lucerne would be impressive anywhere, but nowhere so impressive as where
+he is.
+
+Martyrdom is the luckiest fate that can befall some people. Louis XVI
+did not die in his bed, consequently history is very gentle with him;
+she is charitable toward his failings, and she finds in him high virtues
+which are not usually considered to be virtues when they are lodged in
+kings. She makes him out to be a person with a meek and modest spirit,
+the heart of a female saint, and a wrong head. None of these qualities
+are kingly but the last. Taken together they make a character which
+would have fared harshly at the hands of history if its owner had had
+the ill luck to miss martyrdom. With the best intentions to do the right
+thing, he always managed to do the wrong one. Moreover, nothing could
+get the female saint out of him. He knew, well enough, that in national
+emergencies he must not consider how he ought to act, as a man, but how
+he ought to act as a king; so he honestly tried to sink the man and be
+the king--but it was a failure, he only succeeded in being the female
+saint. He was not instant in season, but out of season. He could not be
+persuaded to do a thing while it could do any good--he was iron, he was
+adamant in his stubbornness then--but as soon as the thing had reached a
+point where it would be positively harmful to do it, do it he would, and
+nothing could stop him. He did not do it because it would be harmful,
+but because he hoped it was not yet too late to achieve by it the good
+which it would have done if applied earlier. His comprehension was
+always a train or two behindhand. If a national toe required amputating,
+he could not see that it needed anything more than poulticing; when
+others saw that the mortification had reached the knee, he first
+perceived that the toe needed cutting off--so he cut it off; and he
+severed the leg at the knee when others saw that the disease had reached
+the thigh. He was good, and honest, and well meaning, in the matter of
+chasing national diseases, but he never could overtake one. As a private
+man, he would have been lovable; but viewed as a king, he was strictly
+contemptible.
+
+His was a most unroyal career, but the most pitiable spectacle in it was
+his sentimental treachery to his Swiss guard on that memorable 10th of
+August, when he allowed those heroes to be massacred in his cause, and
+forbade them to shed the "sacred French blood" purporting to be flowing
+in the veins of the red-capped mob of miscreants that was raging around
+the palace. He meant to be kingly, but he was only the female saint once
+more. Some of his biographers think that upon this occasion the spirit
+of Saint Louis had descended upon him. It must have found pretty cramped
+quarters. If Napoleon the First had stood in the shoes of Louis XVI that
+day, instead of being merely a casual and unknown looker-on, there would
+be no Lion of Lucerne, now, but there would be a well-stocked Communist
+graveyard in Paris which would answer just as well to remember the 10th
+of August by.
+
+Martyrdom made a saint of Mary Queen of Scots three hundred years ago,
+and she has hardly lost all of her saintship yet. Martyrdom made a saint
+of the trivial and foolish Marie Antoinette, and her biographers
+still keep her fragrant with the odor of sanctity to this day, while
+unconsciously proving upon almost every page they write that the only
+calamitous instinct which her husband lacked, she supplied--the instinct
+to root out and get rid of an honest, able, and loyal official, wherever
+she found him. The hideous but beneficent French Revolution would have
+been deferred, or would have fallen short of completeness, or even
+might not have happened at all, if Marie Antoinette had made the unwise
+mistake of not being born. The world owes a great deal to the French
+Revolution, and consequently to its two chief promoters, Louis the Poor
+in Spirit and his queen.
+
+We did not buy any wooden images of the Lion, nor any ivory or ebony
+or marble or chalk or sugar or chocolate ones, or even any photographic
+slanders of him. The truth is, these copies were so common, so
+universal, in the shops and everywhere, that they presently became as
+intolerable to the wearied eye as the latest popular melody usually
+becomes to the harassed ear. In Lucerne, too, the wood carvings of
+other sorts, which had been so pleasant to look upon when one saw them
+occasionally at home, soon began to fatigue us. We grew very tired
+of seeing wooden quails and chickens picking and strutting around
+clock-faces, and still more tired of seeing wooden images of the alleged
+chamois skipping about wooden rocks, or lying upon them in family
+groups, or peering alertly up from behind them. The first day, I would
+have bought a hundred and fifty of these clocks if I had the money--and
+I did buy three--but on the third day the disease had run its course,
+I had convalesced, and was in the market once more--trying to sell.
+However, I had no luck; which was just as well, for the things will be
+pretty enough, no doubt, when I get them home.
+
+For years my pet aversion had been the cuckoo clock; now here I was, at
+last, right in the creature's home; so wherever I went that distressing
+"HOO'hoo! HOO'hoo! HOO'hoo!" was always in my ears. For a nervous man,
+this was a fine state of things. Some sounds are hatefuler than others,
+but no sound is quite so inane, and silly, and aggravating as the
+"HOO'hoo" of a cuckoo clock, I think. I bought one, and am carrying it
+home to a certain person; for I have always said that if the opportunity
+ever happened, I would do that man an ill turn.
+
+
+
+What I meant, was, that I would break one of his legs, or something of
+that sort; but in Lucerne I instantly saw that I could impair his mind.
+That would be more lasting, and more satisfactory every way. So I bought
+the cuckoo clock; and if I ever get home with it, he is "my meat," as
+they say in the mines. I thought of another candidate--a book-reviewer
+whom I could name if I wanted to--but after thinking it over, I didn't
+buy him a clock. I couldn't injure his mind.
+
+We visited the two long, covered wooden bridges which span the green and
+brilliant Reuss just below where it goes plunging and hurrahing out
+of the lake. These rambling, sway-backed tunnels are very attractive
+things, with their alcoved outlooks upon the lovely and inspiriting
+water. They contain two or three hundred queer old pictures, by old
+Swiss masters--old boss sign-painters, who flourished before the
+decadence of art.
+
+The lake is alive with fishes, plainly visible to the eye, for the water
+is very clear. The parapets in front of the hotels were usually fringed
+with fishers of all ages. One day I thought I would stop and see a
+fish caught. The result brought back to my mind, very forcibly, a
+circumstance which I had not thought of before for twelve years. This
+one:
+
+THE MAN WHO PUT UP AT GADSBY'S
+
+When my odd friend Riley and I were newspaper correspondents in
+Washington, in the winter of '67, we were coming down Pennsylvania
+Avenue one night, near midnight, in a driving storm of snow, when the
+flash of a street-lamp fell upon a man who was eagerly tearing along in
+the opposite direction. "This is lucky! You are Mr. Riley, ain't you?"
+
+Riley was the most self-possessed and solemnly deliberate person in the
+republic. He stopped, looked his man over from head to foot, and finally
+said:
+
+"I am Mr. Riley. Did you happen to be looking for me?"
+
+"That's just what I was doing," said the man, joyously, "and it's the
+biggest luck in the world that I've found you. My name is Lykins. I'm
+one of the teachers of the high school--San Francisco. As soon as I
+heard the San Francisco postmastership was vacant, I made up my mind to
+get it--and here I am."
+
+"Yes," said Riley, slowly, "as you have remarked ... Mr. Lykins ... here
+you are. And have you got it?"
+
+"Well, not exactly GOT it, but the next thing to it. I've brought a
+petition, signed by the Superintendent of Public Instruction, and all
+the teachers, and by more than two hundred other people. Now I want you,
+if you'll be so good, to go around with me to the Pacific delegation,
+for I want to rush this thing through and get along home."
+
+"If the matter is so pressing, you will prefer that we visit the
+delegation tonight," said Riley, in a voice which had nothing mocking in
+it--to an unaccustomed ear.
+
+"Oh, tonight, by all means! I haven't got any time to fool around. I
+want their promise before I go to bed--I ain't the talking kind, I'm the
+DOING kind!"
+
+"Yes ... you've come to the right place for that. When did you arrive?"
+
+"Just an hour ago."
+
+"When are you intending to leave?"
+
+"For New York tomorrow evening--for San Francisco next morning."
+
+"Just so.... What are you going to do tomorrow?"
+
+"DO! Why, I've got to go to the President with the petition and the
+delegation, and get the appointment, haven't I?"
+
+"Yes ... very true ... that is correct. And then what?"
+
+"Executive session of the Senate at 2 P.M.--got to get the appointment
+confirmed--I reckon you'll grant that?"
+
+"Yes ... yes," said Riley, meditatively, "you are right again. Then
+you take the train for New York in the evening, and the steamer for San
+Francisco next morning?"
+
+"That's it--that's the way I map it out!"
+
+Riley considered a while, and then said:
+
+"You couldn't stay ... a day ... well, say two days longer?"
+
+"Bless your soul, no! It's not my style. I ain't a man to go fooling
+around--I'm a man that DOES things, I tell you."
+
+The storm was raging, the thick snow blowing in gusts. Riley stood
+silent, apparently deep in a reverie, during a minute or more, then he
+looked up and said:
+
+"Have you ever heard about that man who put up at Gadsby's, once? ...
+But I see you haven't."
+
+He backed Mr. Lykins against an iron fence, buttonholed him, fastened
+him with his eye, like the Ancient Mariner, and proceeded to unfold
+his narrative as placidly and peacefully as if we were all stretched
+comfortably in a blossomy summer meadow instead of being persecuted by a
+wintry midnight tempest:
+
+
+
+"I will tell you about that man. It was in Jackson's time. Gadsby's was
+the principal hotel, then. Well, this man arrived from Tennessee
+about nine o'clock, one morning, with a black coachman and a splendid
+four-horse carriage and an elegant dog, which he was evidently fond
+of and proud of; he drove up before Gadsby's, and the clerk and the
+landlord and everybody rushed out to take charge of him, but he said,
+'Never mind,' and jumped out and told the coachman to wait--
+
+
+
+said he hadn't time to take anything to eat, he only had a little claim
+against the government to collect, would run across the way, to
+the Treasury, and fetch the money, and then get right along back to
+Tennessee, for he was in considerable of a hurry.
+
+"Well, about eleven o'clock that night he came back and ordered a bed
+and told them to put the horses up--said he would collect the claim in
+the morning. This was in January, you understand--January, 1834--the 3d
+of January--Wednesday.
+
+
+
+"Well, on the 5th of February, he sold the fine carriage, and bought
+a cheap second-hand one--said it would answer just as well to take the
+money home in, and he didn't care for style.
+
+"On the 11th of August he sold a pair of the fine horses--said he'd
+often thought a pair was better than four, to go over the rough mountain
+roads with where a body had to be careful about his driving--and there
+wasn't so much of his claim but he could lug the money home with a pair
+easy enough.
+
+
+
+"On the 13th of December he sold another horse--said two warn't
+necessary to drag that old light vehicle with--in fact, one could snatch
+it along faster than was absolutely necessary, now that it was good
+solid winter weather and the roads in splendid condition.
+
+
+
+"On the 17th of February, 1835, he sold the old carriage and bought a
+cheap second-hand buggy--said a buggy was just the trick to skim along
+mushy, slushy early spring roads with, and he had always wanted to try a
+buggy on those mountain roads, anyway.
+
+
+
+"On the 1st August he sold the buggy and bought the remains of an old
+sulky--said he just wanted to see those green Tennesseans stare and gawk
+when they saw him come a-ripping along in a sulky--didn't believe they'd
+ever heard of a sulky in their lives.
+
+
+
+"Well, on the 29th of August he sold his colored coachman--said he
+didn't need a coachman for a sulky--wouldn't be room enough for two in
+it anyway--and, besides, it wasn't every day that Providence sent a man
+a fool who was willing to pay nine hundred dollars for such a third-rate
+negro as that--been wanting to get rid of the creature for years, but
+didn't like to THROW him away.
+
+
+
+"Eighteen months later--that is to say, on the 15th of February,
+1837--he sold the sulky and bought a saddle--said horseback-riding was
+what the doctor had always recommended HIM to take, and dog'd if he
+wanted to risk HIS neck going over those mountain roads on wheels in the
+dead of winter, not if he knew himself.
+
+
+
+"On the 9th of April he sold the saddle--said he wasn't going to risk
+HIS life with any perishable saddle-girth that ever was made, over a
+rainy, miry April road, while he could ride bareback and know and feel
+he was safe--always HAD despised to ride on a saddle, anyway.
+
+
+
+"On the 24th of April he sold his horse--said 'I'm just fifty-seven
+today, hale and hearty--it would be a PRETTY howdy-do for me to be
+wasting such a trip as that and such weather as this, on a horse, when
+there ain't anything in the world so splendid as a tramp on foot through
+the fresh spring woods and over the cheery mountains, to a man that IS
+a man--and I can make my dog carry my claim in a little bundle, anyway,
+when it's collected. So tomorrow I'll be up bright and early, make my
+little old collection, and mosey off to Tennessee, on my own hind legs,
+with a rousing good-by to Gadsby's.'
+
+
+
+"On the 22d of June he sold his dog--said 'Dern a dog, anyway, where
+you're just starting off on a rattling bully pleasure tramp through the
+summer woods and hills--perfect nuisance--chases the squirrels, barks
+at everything, goes a-capering and splattering around in the fords--man
+can't get any chance to reflect and enjoy nature--and I'd a blamed sight
+ruther carry the claim myself, it's a mighty sight safer; a dog's
+mighty uncertain in a financial way--always noticed it--well, GOOD-by,
+boys--last call--I'm off for Tennessee with a good leg and a gay heart,
+early in the morning.'"
+
+
+
+There was a pause and a silence--except the noise of the wind and the
+pelting snow. Mr. Lykins said, impatiently:
+
+"Well?"
+
+Riley said:
+
+"Well,--that was thirty years ago."
+
+"Very well, very well--what of it?"
+
+"I'm great friends with that old patriarch. He comes every evening to
+tell me good-by. I saw him an hour ago--he's off for Tennessee early
+tomorrow morning--as usual; said he calculated to get his claim through
+and be off before night-owls like me have turned out of bed. The tears
+were in his eyes, he was so glad he was going to see his old Tennessee
+and his friends once more."
+
+Another silent pause. The stranger broke it:
+
+"Is that all?"
+
+"That is all."
+
+"Well, for the TIME of night, and the KIND of night, it seems to me the
+story was full long enough. But what's it all FOR?"
+
+"Oh, nothing in particular."
+
+"Well, where's the point of it?"
+
+"Oh, there isn't any particular point to it. Only, if you are not in
+TOO much of a hurry to rush off to San Francisco with that post-office
+appointment, Mr. Lykins, I'd advise you to 'PUT UP AT GADSBY'S' for a
+spell, and take it easy. Good-by. GOD bless you!"
+
+So saying, Riley blandly turned on his heel and left the astonished
+school-teacher standing there, a musing and motionless snow image
+shining in the broad glow of the street-lamp.
+
+He never got that post-office.
+
+To go back to Lucerne and its fishers, I concluded, after about
+nine hours' waiting, that the man who proposes to tarry till he sees
+something hook one of those well-fed and experienced fishes will find
+it wisdom to "put up at Gadsby's" and take it easy. It is likely that
+a fish has not been caught on that lake pier for forty years; but no
+matter, the patient fisher watches his cork there all the day long, just
+the same, and seems to enjoy it. One may see the fisher-loafers just as
+thick and contented and happy and patient all along the Seine at Paris,
+but tradition says that the only thing ever caught there in modern times
+is a thing they don't fish for at all--the recent dog and the translated
+cat.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVII
+
+[I Spare an Awful Bore]
+
+
+Close by the Lion of Lucerne is what they call the "Glacier Garden"--and
+it is the only one in the world. It is on high ground. Four or five
+years ago, some workmen who were digging foundations for a house came
+upon this interesting relic of a long-departed age. Scientific men
+perceived in it a confirmation of their theories concerning the glacial
+period; so through their persuasions the little tract of ground was
+bought and permanently protected against being built upon. The soil was
+removed, and there lay the rasped and guttered track which the ancient
+glacier had made as it moved along upon its slow and tedious journey.
+This track was perforated by huge pot-shaped holes in the bed-rock,
+formed by the furious washing-around in them of boulders by the
+turbulent torrent which flows beneath all glaciers. These huge round
+boulders still remain in the holes; they and the walls of the holes are
+worn smooth by the long-continued chafing which they gave each other in
+those old days.
+
+
+
+It took a mighty force to churn these big lumps of stone around in that
+vigorous way. The neighboring country had a very different shape, at
+that time--the valleys have risen up and become hills, since, and the
+hills have become valleys. The boulders discovered in the pots had
+traveled a great distance, for there is no rock like them nearer than
+the distant Rhone Glacier.
+
+For some days we were content to enjoy looking at the blue lake
+Lucerne and at the piled-up masses of snow-mountains that border it all
+around--an enticing spectacle, this last, for there is a strange and
+fascinating beauty and charm about a majestic snow-peak with the sun
+blazing upon it or the moonlight softly enriching it--but finally we
+concluded to try a bit of excursioning around on a steamboat, and a dash
+on foot at the Rigi. Very well, we had a delightful trip to Fluelen, on
+a breezy, sunny day. Everybody sat on the upper deck, on benches, under
+an awning; everybody talked, laughed, and exclaimed at the wonderful
+scenery; in truth, a trip on that lake is almost the perfection of
+pleasuring.
+
+
+
+The mountains were a never-ceasing marvel. Sometimes they rose straight
+up out of the lake, and towered aloft and overshadowed our pygmy steamer
+with their prodigious bulk in the most impressive way. Not snow-clad
+mountains, these, yet they climbed high enough toward the sky to meet
+the clouds and veil their foreheads in them. They were not barren and
+repulsive, but clothed in green, and restful and pleasant to the eye.
+And they were so almost straight-up-and-down, sometimes, that one could
+not imagine a man being able to keep his footing upon such a surface,
+yet there are paths, and the Swiss people go up and down them every day.
+
+
+
+Sometimes one of these monster precipices had the slight inclination of
+the huge ship-houses in dockyards--then high aloft, toward the sky, it
+took a little stronger inclination, like that of a mansard roof--and
+perched on this dizzy mansard one's eye detected little things like
+martin boxes, and presently perceived that these were the dwellings of
+peasants--an airy place for a home, truly. And suppose a peasant should
+walk in his sleep, or his child should fall out of the front
+yard?--the friends would have a tedious long journey down out of those
+cloud-heights before they found the remains. And yet those far-away
+homes looked ever so seductive, they were so remote from the troubled
+world, they dozed in such an atmosphere of peace and dreams--surely no
+one who has learned to live up there would ever want to live on a meaner
+level.
+
+We swept through the prettiest little curving arms of the lake, among
+these colossal green walls, enjoying new delights, always, as the
+stately panorama unfolded itself before us and rerolled and hid itself
+behind us; and now and then we had the thrilling surprise of bursting
+suddenly upon a tremendous white mass like the distant and dominating
+Jungfrau, or some kindred giant, looming head and shoulders above a
+tumbled waste of lesser Alps.
+
+Once, while I was hungrily taking in one of these surprises, and doing
+my best to get all I possibly could of it while it should last, I was
+interrupted by a young and care-free voice:
+
+"You're an American, I think--so'm I."
+
+He was about eighteen, or possibly nineteen; slender and of medium
+height; open, frank, happy face; a restless but independent eye; a snub
+nose, which had the air of drawing back with a decent reserve from
+the silky new-born mustache below it until it should be introduced; a
+loosely hung jaw, calculated to work easily in the sockets. He wore a
+low-crowned, narrow-brimmed straw hat, with a broad blue ribbon
+around it which had a white anchor embroidered on it in front; nobby
+short-tailed coat, pantaloons, vest, all trim and neat and up with the
+fashion; red-striped stockings, very low-quarter patent-leather shoes,
+tied with black ribbon; blue ribbon around his neck, wide-open collar;
+tiny diamond studs; wrinkleless kids; projecting cuffs, fastened with
+large oxidized silver sleeve-buttons, bearing the device of a dog's
+face--English pug. He carried a slim cane, surmounted with an English
+pug's head with red glass eyes. Under his arm he carried a German
+grammar--Otto's. His hair was short, straight, and smooth, and presently
+when he turned his head a moment, I saw that it was nicely parted
+behind. He took a cigarette out of a dainty box, stuck it into a
+meerschaum holder which he carried in a morocco case, and reached for my
+cigar. While he was lighting, I said:
+
+"Yes--I am an American."
+
+
+
+"I knew it--I can always tell them. What ship did you come over in?"
+
+"HOLSATIA."
+
+"We came in the BATAVIA--Cunard, you know. What kind of passage did you
+have?"
+
+"Tolerably rough."
+
+"So did we. Captain said he'd hardly ever seen it rougher. Where are you
+from?"
+
+"New England."
+
+"So'm I. I'm from New Bloomfield. Anybody with you?"
+
+"Yes--a friend."
+
+"Our whole family's along. It's awful slow, going around alone--don't
+you think so?"
+
+"Rather slow."
+
+"Ever been over here before?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"I haven't. My first trip. But we've been all around--Paris and
+everywhere. I'm to enter Harvard next year. Studying German all the
+time, now. Can't enter till I know German. I know considerable French--I
+get along pretty well in Paris, or anywhere where they speak French.
+What hotel are you stopping at?"
+
+"Schweitzerhof."
+
+"No! is that so? I never see you in the reception-room. I go to
+the reception-room a good deal of the time, because there's so many
+Americans there. I make lots of acquaintances. I know an American as
+soon as I see him--and so I speak to him and make his acquaintance. I
+like to be always making acquaintances--don't you?"
+
+"Lord, yes!"
+
+"You see it breaks up a trip like this, first rate. I never got bored on
+a trip like this, if I can make acquaintances and have somebody to
+talk to. But I think a trip like this would be an awful bore, if a body
+couldn't find anybody to get acquainted with and talk to on a trip like
+this. I'm fond of talking, ain't you?
+
+"Passionately."
+
+"Have you felt bored, on this trip?"
+
+"Not all the time, part of it."
+
+"That's it!--you see you ought to go around and get acquainted, and
+talk. That's my way. That's the way I always do--I just go 'round,
+'round, 'round and talk, talk, talk--I never get bored. You been up the
+Rigi yet?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Going?"
+
+"I think so."
+
+"What hotel you going to stop at?"
+
+"I don't know. Is there more than one?"
+
+"Three. You stop at the Schreiber--you'll find it full of Americans.
+What ship did you say you came over in?"
+
+"CITY OF ANTWERP."
+
+"German, I guess. You going to Geneva?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"What hotel you going to stop at?"
+
+"Hotel de l'Ecu de Geneve."
+
+"Don't you do it! No Americans there! You stop at one of those big
+hotels over the bridge--they're packed full of Americans."
+
+"But I want to practice my Arabic."
+
+"Good gracious, do you speak Arabic?"
+
+"Yes--well enough to get along."
+
+"Why, hang it, you won't get along in Geneva--THEY don't speak Arabic,
+they speak French. What hotel are you stopping at here?"
+
+"Hotel Pension-Beaurivage."
+
+"Sho, you ought to stop at the Schweitzerhof. Didn't you know the
+Schweitzerhof was the best hotel in Switzerland?-- look at your
+Baedeker."
+
+"Yes, I know--but I had an idea there warn't any Americans there."
+
+"No Americans! Why, bless your soul, it's just alive with them! I'm in
+the great reception-room most all the time. I make lots of acquaintances
+there. Not as many as I did at first, because now only the new ones stop
+in there--the others go right along through. Where are you from?"
+
+"Arkansaw."
+
+"Is that so? I'm from New England--New Bloomfield's my town when I'm at
+home. I'm having a mighty good time today, ain't you?"
+
+"Divine."
+
+"That's what I call it. I like this knocking around, loose and easy, and
+making acquaintances and talking. I know an American, soon as I see him;
+so I go and speak to him and make his acquaintance. I ain't ever bored,
+on a trip like this, if I can make new acquaintances and talk. I'm awful
+fond of talking when I can get hold of the right kind of a person, ain't
+you?"
+
+"I prefer it to any other dissipation."
+
+"That's my notion, too. Now some people like to take a book and sit
+down and read, and read, and read, or moon around yawping at the lake or
+these mountains and things, but that ain't my way; no, sir, if they like
+it, let 'em do it, I don't object; but as for me, talking's what I like.
+You been up the Rigi?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"What hotel did you stop at?"
+
+"Schreiber."
+
+"That's the place!--I stopped there too. FULL of Americans, WASN'T it?
+It always is--always is. That's what they say. Everybody says that. What
+ship did you come over in?"
+
+"VILLE DE PARIS."
+
+"French, I reckon. What kind of a passage did ... excuse me a minute,
+there's some Americans I haven't seen before."
+
+And away he went. He went uninjured, too--I had the murderous impulse to
+harpoon him in the back with my alpenstock, but as I raised the weapon
+the disposition left me; I found I hadn't the heart to kill him, he was
+such a joyous, innocent, good-natured numbskull.
+
+Half an hour later I was sitting on a bench inspecting, with strong
+interest, a noble monolith which we were skimming by--a monolith not
+shaped by man, but by Nature's free great hand--a massy pyramidal rock
+eighty feet high, devised by Nature ten million years ago against the
+day when a man worthy of it should need it for his monument. The time
+came at last, and now this grand remembrancer bears Schiller's name in
+huge letters upon its face. Curiously enough, this rock was not degraded
+or defiled in any way. It is said that two years ago a stranger let
+himself down from the top of it with ropes and pulleys, and painted all
+over it, in blue letters bigger than those in Schiller's name, these
+words: "Try Sozodont;" "Buy Sun Stove Polish;" "Helmbold's Buchu;" "Try
+Benzaline for the Blood." He was captured and it turned out that he was
+an American. Upon his trial the judge said to him:
+
+"You are from a land where any insolent that wants to is privileged
+to profane and insult Nature, and, through her, Nature's God, if by
+so doing he can put a sordid penny in his pocket. But here the case is
+different. Because you are a foreigner and ignorant, I will make your
+sentence light; if you were a native I would deal strenuously with
+you. Hear and obey: --You will immediately remove every trace of
+your offensive work from the Schiller monument; you pay a fine of ten
+thousand francs; you will suffer two years' imprisonment at hard labor;
+you will then be horsewhipped, tarred and feathered, deprived of your
+ears, ridden on a rail to the confines of the canton, and banished
+forever. The severest penalties are omitted in your case--not as a grace
+to you, but to that great republic which had the misfortune to give you
+birth."
+
+
+
+The steamer's benches were ranged back to back across the deck. My back
+hair was mingling innocently with the back hair of a couple of
+ladies. Presently they were addressed by some one and I overheard this
+conversation:
+
+"You are Americans, I think? So'm I."
+
+"Yes--we are Americans."
+
+"I knew it--I can always tell them. What ship did you come over in?"
+
+"CITY OF CHESTER."
+
+"Oh, yes--Inman line. We came in the BATAVIA--Cunard you know. What kind
+of a passage did you have?"
+
+"Pretty fair."
+
+"That was luck. We had it awful rough. Captain said he'd hardly seen it
+rougher. Where are you from?"
+
+"New Jersey."
+
+"So'm I. No--I didn't mean that; I'm from New England. New Bloomfield's
+my place. These your children?--belong to both of you?"
+
+"Only to one of us; they are mine; my friend is not married."
+
+"Single, I reckon? So'm I. Are you two ladies traveling alone?"
+
+"No--my husband is with us."
+
+"Our whole family's along. It's awful slow, going around alone--don't
+you think so?"
+
+"I suppose it must be."
+
+
+
+"Hi, there's Mount Pilatus coming in sight again. Named after Pontius
+Pilate, you know, that shot the apple off of William Tell's head.
+Guide-book tells all about it, they say. I didn't read it--an American
+told me. I don't read when I'm knocking around like this, having a good
+time. Did you ever see the chapel where William Tell used to preach?"
+
+"I did not know he ever preached there."
+
+"Oh, yes, he did. That American told me so. He don't ever shut up
+his guide-book. He knows more about this lake than the fishes in it.
+Besides, they CALL it 'Tell's Chapel'--you know that yourself. You ever
+been over here before?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"I haven't. It's my first trip. But we've been all around--Paris and
+everywhere. I'm to enter Harvard next year. Studying German all the time
+now. Can't enter till I know German. This book's Otto's grammar. It's a
+mighty good book to get the ICH HABE GEHABT HABEN's out of. But I don't
+really study when I'm knocking around this way. If the notion takes me,
+I just run over my little old ICH HABE GEHABT, DU HAST GEHABT, ER HAT
+GEHABT, WIR HABEN GEHABT, IHR HABEN GEHABT, SIE HABEN GEHABT--kind of
+'Now-I-lay-me-down-to-sleep' fashion, you know, and after that, maybe
+I don't buckle to it for three days. It's awful undermining to the
+intellect, German is; you want to take it in small doses, or first you
+know your brains all run together, and you feel them sloshing around in
+your head same as so much drawn butter. But French is different; FRENCH
+ain't anything. I ain't any more afraid of French than a tramp's afraid
+of pie; I can rattle off my little J'AI, TU AS, IL A, and the rest of
+it, just as easy as a-b-c. I get along pretty well in Paris, or anywhere
+where they speak French. What hotel are you stopping at?"
+
+"The Schweitzerhof."
+
+"No! is that so? I never see you in the big reception-room. I go in
+there a good deal of the time, because there's so many Americans there.
+I make lots of acquaintances. You been up the Rigi yet?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Going?"
+
+"We think of it."
+
+"What hotel you going to stop at?"
+
+"I don't know."
+
+"Well, then you stop at the Schreiber--it's full of Americans. What ship
+did you come over in?"
+
+"CITY OF CHESTER."
+
+"Oh, yes, I remember I asked you that before. But I always ask everybody
+what ship they came over in, and so sometimes I forget and ask again.
+You going to Geneva?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"What hotel you going to stop at?"
+
+"We expect to stop in a pension."
+
+"I don't hardly believe you'll like that; there's very few Americans in
+the pensions. What hotel are you stopping at here?"
+
+"The Schweitzerhof."
+
+"Oh, yes. I asked you that before, too. But I always ask everybody what
+hotel they're stopping at, and so I've got my head all mixed up with
+hotels. But it makes talk, and I love to talk. It refreshes me up
+so--don't it you--on a trip like this?"
+
+"Yes--sometimes."
+
+"Well, it does me, too. As long as I'm talking I never feel bored--ain't
+that the way with you?"
+
+"Yes--generally. But there are exception to the rule."
+
+"Oh, of course. I don't care to talk to everybody, MYSELF. If a person
+starts in to jabber-jabber-jabber about scenery, and history, and
+pictures, and all sorts of tiresome things, I get the fan-tods mighty
+soon. I say 'Well, I must be going now--hope I'll see you again'--and
+then I take a walk. Where you from?"
+
+"New Jersey."
+
+"Why, bother it all, I asked you THAT before, too. Have you seen the
+Lion of Lucerne?"
+
+"Not yet."
+
+"Nor I, either. But the man who told me about Mount Pilatus says it's
+one of the things to see. It's twenty-eight feet long. It don't seem
+reasonable, but he said so, anyway. He saw it yesterday; said it was
+dying, then, so I reckon it's dead by this time. But that ain't any
+matter, of course they'll stuff it. Did you say the children are
+yours--or HERS?"
+
+"Mine."
+
+"Oh, so you did. Are you going up the ... no, I asked you that. What
+ship ... no, I asked you that, too. What hotel are you ... no, you told
+me that. Let me see ... um .... Oh, what kind of voy ... no, we've
+been over that ground, too. Um ... um ... well, I believe that is all.
+BONJOUR--I am very glad to have made your acquaintance, ladies. GUTEN
+TAG."
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVIII
+
+[The Jodel and Its Native Wilds]
+
+
+The Rigi-Kulm is an imposing Alpine mass, six thousand feet high, which
+stands by itself, and commands a mighty prospect of blue lakes, green
+valleys, and snowy mountains--a compact and magnificent picture
+three hundred miles in circumference. The ascent is made by rail, or
+horseback, or on foot, as one may prefer. I and my agent panoplied
+ourselves in walking-costume, one bright morning, and started down
+the lake on the steamboat; we got ashore at the village of Waeggis;
+three-quarters of an hour distant from Lucerne. This village is at the
+foot of the mountain.
+
+We were soon tramping leisurely up the leafy mule-path, and then the
+talk began to flow, as usual. It was twelve o'clock noon, and a breezy,
+cloudless day; the ascent was gradual, and the glimpses, from under
+the curtaining boughs, of blue water, and tiny sailboats, and beetling
+cliffs, were as charming as glimpses of dreamland. All the circumstances
+were perfect--and the anticipations, too, for we should soon be
+enjoying, for the first time, that wonderful spectacle, an Alpine
+sunrise--the object of our journey. There was (apparently) no real need
+for hurry, for the guide-book made the walking-distance from Waeggis to
+the summit only three hours and a quarter. I say "apparently," because
+the guide-book had already fooled us once--about the distance from
+Allerheiligen to Oppenau--and for aught I knew it might be getting
+ready to fool us again. We were only certain as to the altitudes--we
+calculated to find out for ourselves how many hours it is from the
+bottom to the top. The summit is six thousand feet above the sea, but
+only forty-five hundred feet above the lake. When we had walked half an
+hour, we were fairly into the swing and humor of the undertaking, so we
+cleared for action; that is to say, we got a boy whom we met to carry
+our alpenstocks and satchels and overcoats and things for us; that left
+us free for business. I suppose we must have stopped oftener to stretch
+out on the grass in the shade and take a bit of a smoke than this boy
+was used to, for presently he asked if it had been our idea to hire him
+by the job, or by the year? We told him he could move along if he was
+in a hurry. He said he wasn't in such a very particular hurry, but he
+wanted to get to the top while he was young.
+
+
+
+We told him to clear out, then, and leave the things at the uppermost
+hotel and say we should be along presently. He said he would secure us a
+hotel if he could, but if they were all full he would ask them to build
+another one and hurry up and get the paint and plaster dry against we
+arrived. Still gently chaffing us, he pushed ahead, up the trail, and
+soon disappeared. By six o'clock we were pretty high up in the air,
+and the view of lake and mountains had greatly grown in breadth and
+interest. We halted awhile at a little public house, where we had bread
+and cheese and a quart or two of fresh milk, out on the porch, with the
+big panorama all before us--and then moved on again.
+
+
+
+Ten minutes afterward we met a hot, red-faced man plunging down the
+mountain, making mighty strides, swinging his alpenstock ahead of him,
+and taking a grip on the ground with its iron point to support these
+big strides. He stopped, fanned himself with his hat, swabbed the
+perspiration from his face and neck with a red handkerchief, panted
+a moment or two, and asked how far to Waeggis. I said three hours. He
+looked surprised, and said:
+
+"Why, it seems as if I could toss a biscuit into the lake from here,
+it's so close by. Is that an inn, there?"
+
+I said it was.
+
+"Well," said he, "I can't stand another three hours, I've had enough
+today; I'll take a bed there."
+
+I asked:
+
+"Are we nearly to the top?"
+
+"Nearly to the TOP? Why, bless your soul, you haven't really started,
+yet."
+
+I said we would put up at the inn, too. So we turned back and ordered a
+hot supper, and had quite a jolly evening of it with this Englishman.
+
+The German landlady gave us neat rooms and nice beds, and when I and my
+agent turned in, it was with the resolution to be up early and make the
+utmost of our first Alpine sunrise. But of course we were dead tired,
+and slept like policemen; so when we awoke in the morning and ran to the
+window it was already too late, because it was half past eleven. It
+was a sharp disappointment. However, we ordered breakfast and told the
+landlady to call the Englishman, but she said he was already up and off
+at daybreak--and swearing like mad about something or other. We could
+not find out what the matter was. He had asked the landlady the altitude
+of her place above the level of the lake, and she told him fourteen
+hundred and ninety-five feet. That was all that was said; then he lost
+his temper. He said that between ------fools and guide-books, a man
+could acquire ignorance enough in twenty-four hours in a country like
+this to last him a year. Harris believed our boy had been loading him
+up with misinformation; and this was probably the case, for his epithet
+described that boy to a dot.
+
+We got under way about the turn of noon, and pulled out for the summit
+again, with a fresh and vigorous step. When we had gone about two
+hundred yards, and stopped to rest, I glanced to the left while I was
+lighting my pipe, and in the distance detected a long worm of black
+smoke crawling lazily up the steep mountain. Of course that was the
+locomotive. We propped ourselves on our elbows at once, to gaze, for we
+had never seen a mountain railway yet. Presently we could make out the
+train. It seemed incredible that that thing should creep straight up a
+sharp slant like the roof of a house--but there it was, and it was doing
+that very miracle.
+
+In the course of a couple hours we reached a fine breezy altitude where
+the little shepherd huts had big stones all over their roofs to hold
+them down to the earth when the great storms rage. The country was wild
+and rocky about here, but there were plenty of trees, plenty of moss,
+and grass.
+
+Away off on the opposite shore of the lake we could see some villages,
+and now for the first time we could observe the real difference between
+their proportions and those of the giant mountains at whose feet they
+slept. When one is in one of those villages it seems spacious, and
+its houses seem high and not out of proportion to the mountain that
+overhangs them--but from our altitude, what a change! The mountains were
+bigger and grander than ever, as they stood there thinking their solemn
+thoughts with their heads in the drifting clouds, but the villages
+at their feet--when the painstaking eye could trace them up and find
+them--were so reduced, almost invisible, and lay so flat against the
+ground, that the exactest simile I can devise is to compare them to
+ant-deposits of granulated dirt overshadowed by the huge bulk of a
+cathedral. The steamboats skimming along under the stupendous precipices
+were diminished by distance to the daintiest little toys, the sailboats
+and rowboats to shallops proper for fairies that keep house in the cups
+of lilies and ride to court on the backs of bumblebees.
+
+
+
+Presently we came upon half a dozen sheep nibbling grass in the spray
+of a stream of clear water that sprang from a rock wall a hundred feet
+high, and all at once our ears were startled with a melodious "Lul ...
+l ... l l l llul-lul-LAhee-o-o-o!" pealing joyously from a near but
+invisible source, and recognized that we were hearing for the first
+time the famous Alpine JODEL in its own native wilds. And we recognized,
+also, that it was that sort of quaint commingling of baritone and
+falsetto which at home we call "Tyrolese warbling."
+
+
+
+The jodeling (pronounced yOdling--emphasis on the O) continued, and
+was very pleasant and inspiriting to hear. Now the jodeler appeared--a
+shepherd boy of sixteen--and in our gladness and gratitude we gave him
+a franc to jodel some more. So he jodeled and we listened. We moved
+on, presently, and he generously jodeled us out of sight. After about
+fifteen minutes we came across another shepherd boy who was jodeling,
+and gave him half a franc to keep it up. He also jodeled us out of
+sight. After that, we found a jodeler every ten minutes; we gave the
+first one eight cents, the second one six cents, the third one four, the
+fourth one a penny, contributed nothing to Nos. 5, 6, and 7, and during
+the remainder of the day hired the rest of the jodelers, at a franc
+apiece, not to jodel any more. There is somewhat too much of the
+jodeling in the Alps.
+
+About the middle of the afternoon we passed through a prodigious natural
+gateway called the Felsenthor, formed by two enormous upright rocks,
+with a third lying across the top. There was a very attractive little
+hotel close by, but our energies were not conquered yet, so we went on.
+
+
+
+Three hours afterward we came to the railway-track. It was planted
+straight up the mountain with the slant of a ladder that leans against a
+house, and it seemed to us that man would need good nerves who proposed
+to travel up it or down it either.
+
+During the latter part of the afternoon we cooled our roasting interiors
+with ice-cold water from clear streams, the only really satisfying water
+we had tasted since we left home, for at the hotels on the continent
+they merely give you a tumbler of ice to soak your water in, and that
+only modifies its hotness, doesn't make it cold. Water can only be made
+cold enough for summer comfort by being prepared in a refrigerator or
+a closed ice-pitcher. Europeans say ice-water impairs digestion. How do
+they know?--they never drink any.
+
+At ten minutes past six we reached the Kaltbad station, where there is
+a spacious hotel with great verandas which command a majestic expanse of
+lake and mountain scenery. We were pretty well fagged out, now, but as
+we did not wish to miss the Alpine sunrise, we got through our dinner
+as quickly as possible and hurried off to bed. It was unspeakably
+comfortable to stretch our weary limbs between the cool, damp sheets.
+And how we did sleep!--for there is no opiate like Alpine pedestrianism.
+
+
+
+In the morning we both awoke and leaped out of bed at the same instant
+and ran and stripped aside the window-curtains; but we suffered a bitter
+disappointment again: it was already half past three in the afternoon.
+
+We dressed sullenly and in ill spirits, each accusing the other of
+oversleeping. Harris said if we had brought the courier along, as we
+ought to have done, we should not have missed these sunrises. I said he
+knew very well that one of us would have to sit up and wake the
+courier; and I added that we were having trouble enough to take care
+of ourselves, on this climb, without having to take care of a courier
+besides.
+
+During breakfast our spirits came up a little, since we found by this
+guide-book that in the hotels on the summit the tourist is not left to
+trust to luck for his sunrise, but is roused betimes by a man who goes
+through the halls with a great Alpine horn, blowing blasts that would
+raise the dead. And there was another consoling thing: the guide-book
+said that up there on the summit the guests did not wait to dress much,
+but seized a red bed blanket and sailed out arrayed like an Indian. This
+was good; this would be romantic; two hundred and fifty people grouped
+on the windy summit, with their hair flying and their red blankets
+flapping, in the solemn presence of the coming sun, would be a striking
+and memorable spectacle. So it was good luck, not ill luck, that we had
+missed those other sunrises.
+
+We were informed by the guide-book that we were now 3,228 feet above
+the level of the lake--therefore full two-thirds of our journey had been
+accomplished. We got away at a quarter past four P.M.; a hundred yards
+above the hotel the railway divided; one track went straight up the
+steep hill, the other one turned square off to the right, with a very
+slight grade. We took the latter, and followed it more than a mile,
+turned a rocky corner, and came in sight of a handsome new hotel. If we
+had gone on, we should have arrived at the summit, but Harris
+preferred to ask a lot of questions--as usual, of a man who didn't know
+anything--and he told us to go back and follow the other route. We did
+so. We could ill afford this loss of time.
+
+We climbed and climbed; and we kept on climbing; we reached about forty
+summits, but there was always another one just ahead. It came on to
+rain, and it rained in dead earnest. We were soaked through and it
+was bitter cold. Next a smoky fog of clouds covered the whole region
+densely, and we took to the railway-ties to keep from getting lost.
+Sometimes we slopped along in a narrow path on the left-hand side of the
+track, but by and by when the fog blew aside a little and we saw that we
+were treading the rampart of a precipice and that our left elbows were
+projecting over a perfectly boundless and bottomless vacancy, we gasped,
+and jumped for the ties again.
+
+
+
+The night shut down, dark and drizzly and cold. About eight in the
+evening the fog lifted and showed us a well-worn path which led up a
+very steep rise to the left. We took it, and as soon as we had got far
+enough from the railway to render the finding it again an impossibility,
+the fog shut down on us once more.
+
+We were in a bleak, unsheltered place, now, and had to trudge right
+along, in order to keep warm, though we rather expected to go over a
+precipice, sooner or later. About nine o'clock we made an important
+discovery--that we were not in any path. We groped around a while on our
+hands and knees, but we could not find it; so we sat down in the mud and
+the wet scant grass to wait.
+
+We were terrified into this by being suddenly confronted with a vast
+body which showed itself vaguely for an instant and in the next instant
+was smothered in the fog again. It was really the hotel we were after,
+monstrously magnified by the fog, but we took it for the face of a
+precipice, and decided not to try to claw up it.
+
+We sat there an hour, with chattering teeth and quivering bodies, and
+quarreled over all sorts of trifles, but gave most of our attention to
+abusing each other for the stupidity of deserting the railway-track. We
+sat with our backs to the precipice, because what little wind there was
+came from that quarter. At some time or other the fog thinned a little;
+we did not know when, for we were facing the empty universe and the
+thinness could not show; but at last Harris happened to look around, and
+there stood a huge, dim, spectral hotel where the precipice had been.
+One could faintly discern the windows and chimneys, and a dull blur of
+lights. Our first emotion was deep, unutterable gratitude, our next was
+a foolish rage, born of the suspicion that possibly the hotel had been
+visible three-quarters of an hour while we sat there in those cold
+puddles quarreling.
+
+
+
+Yes, it was the Rigi-Kulm hotel--the one that occupies the extreme
+summit, and whose remote little sparkle of lights we had often seen
+glinting high aloft among the stars from our balcony away down yonder
+in Lucerne. The crusty portier and the crusty clerks gave us the
+surly reception which their kind deal out in prosperous times, but by
+mollifying them with an extra display of obsequiousness and servility
+we finally got them to show us to the room which our boy had engaged for
+us.
+
+We got into some dry clothing, and while our supper was preparing we
+loafed forsakenly through a couple of vast cavernous drawing-rooms,
+one of which had a stove in it. This stove was in a corner, and densely
+walled around with people. We could not get near the fire, so we moved
+at large in the artic spaces, among a multitude of people who sat
+silent, smileless, forlorn, and shivering--thinking what fools they were
+to come, perhaps. There were some Americans and some Germans, but one
+could see that the great majority were English.
+
+We lounged into an apartment where there was a great crowd, to see
+what was going on. It was a memento-magazine. The tourists were eagerly
+buying all sorts and styles of paper-cutters, marked "Souvenir of the
+Rigi," with handles made of the little curved horn of the ostensible
+chamois; there were all manner of wooden goblets and such things,
+similarly marked. I was going to buy a paper-cutter, but I believed
+I could remember the cold comfort of the Rigi-Kulm without it, so I
+smothered the impulse.
+
+Supper warmed us, and we went immediately to bed--but first, as Mr.
+Baedeker requests all tourists to call his attention to any errors which
+they may find in his guide-books, I dropped him a line to inform him he
+missed it by just about three days. I had previously informed him of his
+mistake about the distance from Allerheiligen to Oppenau, and had also
+informed the Ordnance Depart of the German government of the same error
+in the imperial maps. I will add, here, that I never got any answer to
+those letters, or any thanks from either of those sources; and, what is
+still more discourteous, these corrections have not been made, either in
+the maps or the guide-books. But I will write again when I get time, for
+my letters may have miscarried.
+
+We curled up in the clammy beds, and went to sleep without rocking. We
+were so sodden with fatigue that we never stirred nor turned over till
+the blooming blasts of the Alpine horn aroused us.
+
+
+
+It may well be imagined that we did not lose any time. We snatched on
+a few odds and ends of clothing, cocooned ourselves in the proper red
+blankets, and plunged along the halls and out into the whistling wind
+bareheaded. We saw a tall wooden scaffolding on the very peak of the
+summit, a hundred yards away, and made for it. We rushed up the stairs
+to the top of this scaffolding, and stood there, above the vast outlying
+world, with hair flying and ruddy blankets waving and cracking in the
+fierce breeze.
+
+
+
+"Fifteen minutes too late, at last!" said Harris, in a vexed voice. "The
+sun is clear above the horizon."
+
+"No matter," I said, "it is a most magnificent spectacle, and we will
+see it do the rest of its rising anyway."
+
+In a moment we were deeply absorbed in the marvel before us, and dead to
+everything else. The great cloud-barred disk of the sun stood just above
+a limitless expanse of tossing white-caps--so to speak--a billowy chaos
+of massy mountain domes and peaks draped in imperishable snow, and
+flooded with an opaline glory of changing and dissolving splendors,
+while through rifts in a black cloud-bank above the sun, radiating
+lances of diamond dust shot to the zenith. The cloven valleys of the
+lower world swam in a tinted mist which veiled the ruggedness of their
+crags and ribs and ragged forests, and turned all the forbidding region
+into a soft and rich and sensuous paradise.
+
+We could not speak. We could hardly breathe. We could only gaze in
+drunken ecstasy and drink in it. Presently Harris exclaimed:
+
+"Why--nation, it's going DOWN!"
+
+Perfectly true. We had missed the MORNING hornblow, and slept all day.
+This was stupefying.
+
+Harris said:
+
+"Look here, the sun isn't the spectacle--it's US--stacked up here on top
+of this gallows, in these idiotic blankets, and two hundred and fifty
+well-dressed men and women down here gawking up at us and not caring
+a straw whether the sun rises or sets, as long as they've got such a
+ridiculous spectacle as this to set down in their memorandum-books. They
+seem to be laughing their ribs loose, and there's one girl there that
+appears to be going all to pieces. I never saw such a man as you before.
+I think you are the very last possibility in the way of an ass."
+
+"What have I done?" I answered, with heat.
+
+"What have you done? You've got up at half past seven o'clock in the
+evening to see the sun rise, that's what you've done."
+
+"And have you done any better, I'd like to know? I've always used to
+get up with the lark, till I came under the petrifying influence of your
+turgid intellect."
+
+"YOU used to get up with the lark--Oh, no doubt--you'll get up with the
+hangman one of these days. But you ought to be ashamed to be jawing
+here like this, in a red blanket, on a forty-foot scaffold on top of the
+Alps. And no end of people down here to boot; this isn't any place for
+an exhibition of temper."
+
+And so the customary quarrel went on. When the sun was fairly down, we
+slipped back to the hotel in the charitable gloaming, and went to bed
+again. We had encountered the horn-blower on the way, and he had tried
+to collect compensation, not only for announcing the sunset, which we
+did see, but for the sunrise, which we had totally missed; but we said
+no, we only took our solar rations on the "European plan"--pay for what
+you get. He promised to make us hear his horn in the morning, if we were
+alive.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's A Tramp Abroad, by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
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+Project Gutenberg's A Tramp Abroad, Part 4, by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.net
+
+
+Title: A Tramp Abroad, Part 4
+
+Author: Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
+
+Release Date: June 18, 2004 [EBook #5785]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A TRAMP ABROAD, PART 4 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Widger (Illustrated HTML version)
+
+
+
+
+
+                    A TRAMP ABROAD
+
+                     By Mark Twain
+                  (Samuel L. Clemens)
+
+                First published in 1880
+
+
+                      Part 4.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXII
+[The Black Forest and Its Treasures]
+
+From Baden-Baden we made the customary trip into the
+Black Forest.  We were on foot most of the time.  One cannot
+describe those noble woods, nor the feeling with which they
+inspire him.  A feature of the feeling, however, is a deep
+sense of contentment; another feature of it is a buoyant,
+boyish gladness; and a third and very conspicuous feature
+of it is one's sense of the remoteness of the work-day
+world and his entire emancipation from it and its affairs.
+
+Those woods stretch unbroken over a vast region;
+and everywhere they are such dense woods, and so still,
+and so piney and fragrant.  The stems of the trees are trim
+and straight, and in many places all the ground is hidden
+for miles under a thick cushion of moss of a vivid green color,
+with not a decayed or ragged spot in its surface, and not
+a fallen leaf or twig to mar its immaculate tidiness.
+A rich cathedral gloom pervades the pillared aisles;
+so the stray flecks of sunlight that strike a trunk
+here and a bough yonder are strongly accented,
+and when they strike the moss they fairly seem to burn.
+But the weirdest effect, and the most enchanting is that
+produced by the diffused light of the low afternoon sun;
+no single ray is able to pierce its way in, then, but the
+diffused light takes color from moss and foliage,
+and pervades the place like a faint, greet-tinted mist,
+the theatrical fire of fairyland.  The suggestion of mystery
+and the supernatural which haunts the forest at all times
+is intensified by this unearthly glow.
+
+We found the Black Forest farmhouses and villages
+all that the Black Forest stories have pictured them.
+The first genuine specimen which we came upon was
+the mansion of a rich farmer and member of the Common
+Council of the parish or district.  He was an important
+personage in the land and so was his wife also,
+of course.  His daughter was the "catch" of the region,
+and she may be already entering into immortality as the
+heroine of one of Auerbach's novels, for all I know.
+We shall see, for if he puts her in I shall recognize her
+by her Black Forest clothes, and her burned complexion,
+her plump figure, her fat hands, her dull expression,
+her gentle spirit, her generous feet, her bonnetless head,
+and the plaited tails of hemp-colored hair hanging down
+her back.
+
+The house was big enough for a hotel; it was a hundred
+feet long and fifty wide, and ten feet high, from ground
+to eaves; but from the eaves to the comb of the mighty roof
+was as much as forty feet, or maybe even more.  This roof
+was of ancient mud-colored straw thatch a foot thick,
+and was covered all over, except in a few trifling spots,
+with a thriving and luxurious growth of green vegetation,
+mainly moss.  The mossless spots were places where
+repairs had been made by the insertion of bright new
+masses of yellow straw.  The eaves projected far down,
+like sheltering, hospitable wings.  Across the gable that
+fronted the road, and about ten feet above the ground,
+ran a narrow porch, with a wooden railing; a row of
+small windows filled with very small panes looked upon
+the porch.  Above were two or three other little windows,
+one clear up under the sharp apex of the roof.
+Before the ground-floor door was a huge pile of manure.
+The door of the second-story room on the side of the house
+was open, and occupied by the rear elevation of a cow.
+Was this probably the drawing-room? All of the front
+half of the house from the ground up seemed to be
+occupied by the people, the cows, and the chickens,
+and all the rear half by draught-animals and hay.
+But the chief feature, all around this house, was the big
+heaps of manure.
+
+We became very familiar with the fertilizer in the Forest.
+We fell unconsciously into the habit of judging of a man's
+station in life by this outward and eloquent sign.
+Sometimes we said, "Here is a poor devil, this is manifest."
+When we saw a stately accumulation, we said, "Here is
+a banker." When we encountered a country-seat surrounded
+by an Alpine pomp of manure, we said, "Doubtless a duke
+lives here."
+
+The importance of this feature has not been properly
+magnified in the Black Forest stories.  Manure is evidently
+the Black-Forester's main treasure--his coin, his jewel,
+his pride, his Old Master, his ceramics, his bric-a-brac,
+his darling, his title to public consideration,
+envy, veneration, and his first solicitude when he gets
+ready to make his will.  The true Black Forest novel,
+if it is ever written, will be skeletoned somewhat in this way:
+
+SKELETON FOR A BLACK FOREST NOVEL
+
+Rich old farmer, named Huss.  Has inherited great wealth
+of manure, and by diligence has added to it.  It is
+double-starred in Baedeker.  [1] The Black forest artist
+paints it--his masterpiece.  The king comes to see it.
+Gretchen Huss, daughter and heiress.  Paul Hoch,
+young neighbor, suitor for Gretchen's hand--ostensibly;
+he really wants the manure.  Hoch has a good many cart-loads
+of the Black Forest currency himself, and therefore is a
+good catch; but he is sordid, mean, and without sentiment,
+whereas Gretchen is all sentiment and poetry.
+Hans Schmidt, young neighbor, full of sentiment,
+full of poetry, loves Gretchen, Gretchen loves him.
+But he has no manure.  Old Huss forbids him in the house.
+His heart breaks, he goes away to die in the woods,
+far from the cruel world--for he says, bitterly, "What is man,
+without manure?"
+
+1.  When Baedeker's guide-books mention a thing and put
+    two stars (**) after it, it means well worth visiting.
+    M.T.
+
+[Interval of six months.]
+
+Paul Hoch comes to old Huss and says, "I am at last
+as rich as you required--come and view the pile."
+Old Huss views it and says, "It is sufficient--take
+her and be happy,"--meaning Gretchen.
+
+[Interval of two weeks.]
+
+Wedding party assembled in old Huss's drawing-room. Hoch
+placid and content, Gretchen weeping over her hard fate.
+Enter old Huss's head bookkeeper.  Huss says fiercely,
+"I gave you three weeks to find out why your books
+don't balance, and to prove that you are not a defaulter;
+the time is up--find me the missing property or you go
+to prison as a thief." Bookkeeper: "I have found it."
+"Where?" Bookkeeper (sternly--tragically): "In the bridegroom's
+pile!--behold the thief--see him blench and tremble!"
+[Sensation.] Paul Hoch: Lost, lost!"--falls over the cow
+in a swoon and is handcuffed.  Gretchen: "Saved!" Falls
+over the calf in a swoon of joy, but is caught in the arms
+of Hans Schmidt, who springs in at that moment.  Old Huss:
+"What, you here, varlet? Unhand the maid and quit the place."
+Hans (still supporting the insensible girl): "Never! Cruel
+old man, know that I come with claims which even you
+cannot despise."
+
+Huss: "What, YOU? name them."
+
+Hans: "Listen then.  The world has forsaken me, I forsook
+the world, I wandered in the solitude of the forest,
+longing for death but finding none.  I fed upon roots,
+and in my bitterness I dug for the bitterest,
+loathing the sweeter kind.  Digging, three days agone,
+I struck a manure mine!--a Golconda, a limitless Bonanza,
+of solid manure! I can buy you ALL, and have mountain
+ranges of manure left! Ha-ha, NOW thou smilest a smile!"
+[Immense sensation.] Exhibition of specimens from the mine.
+Old Huss (enthusiastically): "Wake her up, shake her up,
+noble young man, she is yours!" Wedding takes place on
+the spot; bookkeeper restored to his office and emoluments;
+Paul Hoch led off to jail.  The Bonanza king of the Black
+Forest lives to a good old age, blessed with the love of his
+wife and of his twenty-seven children, and the still sweeter
+envy of everybody around.
+
+We took our noon meal of fried trout one day at the Plow Inn,
+in a very pretty village (Ottenhoefen), and then went into
+the public room to rest and smoke.  There we found nine
+or ten Black Forest grandees assembled around a table.
+They were the Common Council of the parish.  They had
+gathered there at eight o'clock that morning to elect
+a new member, and they had now been drinking beer four
+hours at the new member's expense.  They were men of fifty
+or sixty years of age, with grave good-natured faces,
+and were all dressed in the costume made familiar to us
+by the Black Forest stories; broad, round-topped black felt
+hats with the brims curled up all round; long red waistcoats
+with large metal buttons, black alpaca coats with the
+waists up between the shoulders.  There were no speeches,
+there was but little talk, there were no frivolities;
+the Council filled themselves gradually, steadily, but surely,
+with beer, and conducted themselves with sedate decorum,
+as became men of position, men of influence, men of manure.
+
+We had a hot afternoon tramp up the valley, along the grassy
+bank of a rushing stream of clear water, past farmhouses,
+water-mills, and no end of wayside crucifixes and saints
+and Virgins.  These crucifixes, etc., are set up in
+memory of departed friends, by survivors, and are almost
+as frequent as telegraph-poles are in other lands.
+
+We followed the carriage-road, and had our usual luck;
+we traveled under a beating sun, and always saw the shade
+leave the shady places before we could get to them.
+In all our wanderings we seldom managed to strike
+a piece of road at its time for being shady.  We had a
+particularly hot time of it on that particular afternoon,
+and with no comfort but what we could get out of the fact
+that the peasants at work away up on the steep mountainsides
+above our heads were even worse off than we were.
+By and by it became impossible to endure the intolerable
+glare and heat any longer; so we struck across the ravine
+and entered the deep cool twilight of the forest, to hunt
+for what the guide-book called the "old road."
+
+We found an old road, and it proved eventually to be the
+right one, though we followed it at the time with the conviction
+that it was the wrong one.  If it was the wrong one there
+could be no use in hurrying; therefore we did not hurry,
+but sat down frequently on the soft moss and enjoyed
+the restful quiet and shade of the forest solitudes.
+There had been distractions in the carriage-road
+--school-children, peasants, wagons, troops of
+pedestrianizing students from all over Germany
+--but we had the old road to ourselves.
+
+Now and then, while we rested, we watched the laborious
+ant at his work.  I found nothing new in him--certainly
+nothing to change my opinion of him.  It seems to me that
+in the matter of intellect the ant must be a strangely
+overrated bird.  During many summers, now, I have watched him,
+when I ought to have been in better business, and I have
+not yet come across a living ant that seemed to have any
+more sense than a dead one.  I refer to the ordinary ant,
+of course; I have had no experience of those wonderful
+Swiss and African ones which vote, keep drilled armies,
+hold slaves, and dispute about religion.  Those particular
+ants may be all that the naturalist paints them,
+but I am persuaded that the average ant is a sham.
+I admit his industry, of course; he is the hardest-working
+creature in the world--when anybody is looking--but his
+leather-headedness is the point I make against him.
+He goes out foraging, he makes a capture, and then what
+does he do? Go home? No--he goes anywhere but home.
+He doesn't know where home is.  His home may be only
+three feet away--no matter, he can't find it.  He makes
+his capture, as I have said; it is generally something
+which can be of no sort of use to himself or anybody else;
+it is usually seven times bigger than it ought to be;
+he hunts out the awkwardest place to take hold of it;
+he lifts it bodily up in the air by main force, and starts;
+not toward home, but in the opposite direction; not calmly
+and wisely, but with a frantic haste which is wasteful
+of his strength; he fetches up against a pebble, and instead
+of going around it, he climbs over it backward dragging
+his booty after him, tumbles down on the other side,
+jumps up in a passion, kicks the dust off his clothes,
+moistens his hands, grabs his property viciously, yanks it
+this way, then that, shoves it ahead of him a moment,
+turns tail and lugs it after him another moment, gets madder
+and madder, then presently hoists it into the air and goes
+tearing away in an entirely new direction; comes to a weed;
+it never occurs to him to go around it; no, he must climb it;
+and he does climb it, dragging his worthless property
+to the top--which is as bright a thing to do as it would
+be for me to carry a sack of flour from Heidelberg to Paris
+by way of Strasburg steeple; when he gets up there he
+finds that that is not the place; takes a cursory glance
+at the scenery and either climbs down again or tumbles down,
+and starts off once more--as usual, in a new direction.
+At the end of half an hour, he fetches up within six inches
+of the place he started from and lays his burden down;
+meantime he has been over all the ground for two yards around,
+and climbed all the weeds and pebbles he came across.
+Now he wipes the sweat from his brow, strokes his limbs,
+and then marches aimlessly off, in as violently a hurry
+as ever.  He does not remember to have ever seen it before;
+he looks around to see which is not the way home, grabs his
+bundle and starts; he goes through the same adventures he
+had before; finally stops to rest, and a friend comes along.
+Evidently the friend remarks that a last year's grasshopper
+leg is a very noble acquisition, and inquires where he
+got it.  Evidently the proprietor does not remember
+exactly where he did get it, but thinks he got it "around
+here somewhere." Evidently the friend contracts to help
+him freight it home.  Then, with a judgment peculiarly
+antic (pun not intended), then take hold of opposite ends
+of that grasshopper leg and begin to tug with all their
+might in opposite directions.  Presently they take a rest
+and confer together.  They decide that something is wrong,
+they can't make out what.  Then they go at it again,
+just as before.  Same result.  Mutual recriminations follow.
+Evidently each accuses the other of being an obstructionist.
+They lock themselves together and chew each other's jaws
+for a while; then they roll and tumble on the ground till
+one loses a horn or a leg and has to haul off for repairs.
+They make up and go to work again in the same old insane way,
+but the crippled ant is at a disadvantage; tug as he may,
+the other one drags off the booty and him at the end of it.
+Instead of giving up, he hangs on, and gets his shins
+bruised against every obstruction that comes in the way.
+By and by, when that grasshopper leg has been dragged
+all over the same old ground once more, it is finally
+dumped at about the spot where it originally lay,
+the two perspiring ants inspect it thoughtfully and decide
+that dried grasshopper legs are a poor sort of property
+after all, and then each starts off in a different
+direction to see if he can't find an old nail or something
+else that is heavy enough to afford entertainment and at
+the same time valueless enough to make an ant want to own it.
+
+There in the Black Forest, on the mountainside,
+I saw an ant go through with such a performance as this
+with a dead spider of fully ten times his own weight.
+The spider was not quite dead, but too far gone to resist.
+He had a round body the size of a pea.  The little ant
+--observing that I was noticing--turned him on his back,
+sunk his fangs into his throat, lifted him into the air and
+started vigorously off with him, stumbling over little pebbles,
+stepping on the spider's legs and tripping himself up,
+dragging him backward, shoving him bodily ahead, dragging him
+up stones six inches high instead of going around them,
+climbing weeds twenty times his own height and jumping
+from their summits--and finally leaving him in the middle
+of the road to be confiscated by any other fool of an
+ant that wanted him.  I measured the ground which this
+ass traversed, and arrived at the conclusion that what he
+had accomplished inside of twenty minutes would constitute
+some such job as this--relatively speaking--for a man;
+to wit: to strap two eight-hundred-pound horses together,
+carry them eighteen hundred feet, mainly over (not around)
+boulders averaging six feet high, and in the course
+of the journey climb up and jump from the top of one
+precipice like Niagara, and three steeples, each a hundred
+and twenty feet high; and then put the horses down,
+in an exposed place, without anybody to watch them,
+and go off to indulge in some other idiotic miracle for
+vanity's sake.
+
+Science has recently discovered that the ant does not
+lay up anything for winter use.  This will knock him
+out of literature, to some extent.  He does not work,
+except when people are looking, and only then when the
+observer has a green, naturalistic look, and seems to be
+taking notes.  This amounts to deception, and will injure
+him for the Sunday-schools. He has not judgment enough
+to know what is good to eat from what isn't. This amounts
+to ignorance, and will impair the world's respect for him.
+He cannot stroll around a stump and find his way home again.
+This amounts to idiocy, and once the damaging fact
+is established, thoughtful people will cease to look
+up to him, the sentimental will cease to fondle him.
+His vaunted industry is but a vanity and of no effect,
+since he never gets home with anything he starts with.
+This disposes of the last remnant of his reputation
+and wholly destroys his main usefulness as a moral agent,
+since it will make the sluggard hesitate to go to him
+any more.  It is strange, beyond comprehension, that so
+manifest a humbug as the ant has been able to fool so
+many nations and keep it up so many ages without being
+found out.
+
+The ant is strong, but we saw another strong thing,
+where we had not suspected the presence of much muscular
+power before.  A toadstool--that vegetable which springs
+to full growth in a single night--had torn loose and
+lifted a matted mass of pine needles and dirt of twice
+its own bulk into the air, and supported it there,
+like a column supporting a shed.  Ten thousand toadstools,
+with the right purchase, could lift a man, I suppose.
+But what good would it do?
+
+All our afternoon's progress had been uphill.  About five
+or half past we reached the summit, and all of a sudden
+the dense curtain of the forest parted and we looked
+down into a deep and beautiful gorge and out over a
+wide panorama of wooded mountains with their summits
+shining in the sun and their glade-furrowed sides dimmed
+with purple shade.  The gorge under our feet--called
+Allerheiligen--afforded room in the grassy level at its
+head for a cozy and delightful human nest, shut away
+from the world and its botherations, and consequently
+the monks of the old times had not failed to spy it out;
+and here were the brown and comely ruins of their church
+and convent to prove that priests had as fine an instinct
+seven hundred years ago in ferreting out the choicest
+nooks and corners in a land as priests have today.
+
+A big hotel crowds the ruins a little, now, and drives
+a brisk trade with summer tourists.  We descended
+into the gorge and had a supper which would have been
+very satisfactory if the trout had not been boiled.
+The Germans are pretty sure to boil a trout or anything
+else if left to their own devices.  This is an argument
+of some value in support of the theory that they were
+the original colonists of the wild islands of the coast
+of Scotland.  A schooner laden with oranges was wrecked
+upon one of those islands a few years ago, and the gentle
+savages rendered the captain such willing assistance
+that he gave them as many oranges as they wanted.
+Next day he asked them how they liked them.  They shook
+their heads and said:
+
+"Baked, they were tough; and even boiled, they warn't
+things for a hungry man to hanker after."
+
+We went down the glen after supper.  It is beautiful--a
+mixture of sylvan loveliness and craggy wildness.
+A limpid torrent goes whistling down the glen, and toward
+the foot of it winds through a narrow cleft between lofty
+precipices and hurls itself over a succession of falls.
+After one passes the last of these he has a backward
+glimpse at the falls which is very pleasing--they rise
+in a seven-stepped stairway of foamy and glittering cascades,
+and make a picture which is as charming as it is unusual.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIII
+[Nicodemus Dodge and the Skeleton]
+
+We were satisfied that we could walk to Oppenau in
+one day, now that we were in practice; so we set out
+the next morning after breakfast determined to do it.
+It was all the way downhill, and we had the loveliest
+summer weather for it.  So we set the pedometer and then
+stretched away on an easy, regular stride, down through
+the cloven forest, drawing in the fragrant breath
+of the morning in deep refreshing draughts, and wishing
+we might never have anything to do forever but walk
+to Oppenau and keep on doing it and then doing it over again.
+
+Now, the true charm of pedestrianism does not lie
+in the walking, or in the scenery, but in the talking.
+The walking is good to time the movement of the tongue by,
+and to keep the blood and the brain stirred up and active;
+the scenery and the woodsy smells are good to bear in upon
+a man an unconscious and unobtrusive charm and solace
+to eye and soul and sense; but the supreme pleasure comes
+from the talk.  It is no matter whether one talks wisdom
+or nonsense, the case is the same, the bulk of the enjoyment
+lies in the wagging of the gladsome jaw and the flapping
+of the sympathetic ear.
+
+And what motley variety of subjects a couple of people will
+casually rake over in the course of a day's tramp! There
+being no constraint, a change of subject is always in order,
+and so a body is not likely to keep pegging at a single
+topic until it grows tiresome.  We discussed everything
+we knew, during the first fifteen or twenty minutes,
+that morning, and then branched out into the glad, free,
+boundless realm of the things we were not certain about.
+
+Harris said that if the best writer in the world once got
+the slovenly habit of doubling up his "haves" he could
+never get rid of it while he lived.  That is to say,
+if a man gets the habit of saying "I should have liked
+to have known more about it" instead of saying simply
+and sensibly, "I should have liked to know more about it,"
+that man's disease is incurable.  Harris said that his sort
+of lapse is to be found in every copy of every newspaper
+that has ever been printed in English, and in almost all
+of our books.  He said he had observed it in Kirkham's
+grammar and in Macaulay.  Harris believed that milk-teeth
+are commoner in men's mouths than those "doubled-up haves." [1]
+
+1.  I do not know that there have not been moments in the
+    course of the present session when I should have been
+    very glad to have accepted the proposal of my noble friend,
+    and to have exchanged parts in some of our evenings
+    of work.--[From a Speech of the English Chancellor
+    of the Exchequer, August, 1879.]
+
+That changed the subject to dentistry.  I said I believed
+the average man dreaded tooth-pulling more than amputation,
+and that he would yell quicker under the former operation
+than he would under the latter.  The philosopher Harris
+said that the average man would not yell in either case
+if he had an audience.  Then he continued:
+
+"When our brigade first went into camp on the Potomac,
+we used to be brought up standing, occasionally, by an
+ear-splitting howl of anguish.  That meant that a soldier
+was getting a tooth pulled in a tent.  But the surgeons
+soon changed that; they instituted open-air dentistry.
+There never was a howl afterward--that is, from the man
+who was having the tooth pulled.  At the daily dental
+hour there would always be about five hundred soldiers
+gathered together in the neighborhood of that dental chair
+waiting to see the performance--and help; and the moment
+the surgeon took a grip on the candidate's tooth and began
+to lift, every one of those five hundred rascals would
+clap his hand to his jaw and begin to hop around on one
+leg and howl with all the lungs he had! It was enough
+to raise your hair to hear that variegated and enormous
+unanimous caterwaul burst out! With so big and so derisive
+an audience as that, a suffer wouldn't emit a sound though
+you pulled his head off.  The surgeons said that pretty
+often a patient was compelled to laugh, in the midst
+of his pangs, but that had never caught one crying out,
+after the open-air exhibition was instituted."
+
+Dental surgeons suggested doctors, doctors suggested death,
+death suggested skeletons--and so, by a logical process
+the conversation melted out of one of these subjects
+and into the next, until the topic of skeletons raised up
+Nicodemus Dodge out of the deep grave in my memory where he
+had lain buried and forgotten for twenty-five years.
+When I was a boy in a printing-office in Missouri,
+a loose-jointed, long-legged, tow-headed, jeans-clad
+countrified cub of about sixteen lounged in one day,
+and without removing his hands from the depths
+of his trousers pockets or taking off his faded ruin
+of a slouch hat, whose broken rim hung limp and ragged
+about his eyes and ears like a bug-eaten cabbage leaf,
+stared indifferently around, then leaned his hip
+against the editor's table, crossed his mighty brogans,
+aimed at a distant fly from a crevice in his upper teeth,
+laid him low, and said with composure:
+
+"Whar's the boss?"
+
+"I am the boss," said the editor, following this curious
+bit of architecture wonderingly along up to its clock-face
+with his eye.
+
+"Don't want anybody fur to learn the business, 'tain't likely?"
+
+"Well, I don't know.  Would you like to learn it?"
+
+"Pap's so po' he cain't run me no mo', so I want to git
+a show somers if I kin, 'taint no diffunce what--I'm strong
+and hearty, and I don't turn my back on no kind of work,
+hard nur soft."
+
+"Do you think you would like to learn the printing business?"
+
+"Well, I don't re'ly k'yer a durn what I DO learn,
+so's I git a chance fur to make my way.  I'd jist as soon
+learn print'n's anything."
+
+"Can you read?"
+
+"Yes--middlin'."
+
+"Write?"
+
+"Well, I've seed people could lay over me thar."
+
+"Cipher?"
+
+"Not good enough to keep store, I don't reckon,
+but up as fur as twelve-times-twelve I ain't no slouch.
+'Tother side of that is what gits me."
+
+"Where is your home?"
+
+"I'm f'm old Shelby."
+
+"What's your father's religious denomination?"
+
+"Him? Oh, he's a blacksmith."
+
+"No, no--I don't mean his trade.  What's his RELIGIOUS
+DENOMINATION?"
+
+"OH--I didn't understand you befo'. He's a Freemason."
+
+"No, no, you don't get my meaning yet.  What I mean is,
+does he belong to any CHURCH?"
+
+"NOW you're talkin'! Couldn't make out what you was a-tryin'
+to git through yo' head no way.  B'long to a CHURCH! Why,
+boss, he's ben the pizenest kind of Free-will Babtis'
+for forty year.  They ain't no pizener ones 'n what HE is.
+Mighty good man, pap is.  Everybody says that.  If they
+said any diffrunt they wouldn't say it whar _I_ wuz
+--not MUCH they wouldn't."
+
+"What is your own religion?"
+
+"Well, boss, you've kind o' got me, there--and yit
+you hain't got me so mighty much, nuther.  I think 't
+if a feller he'ps another feller when he's in trouble,
+and don't cuss, and don't do no mean things, nur noth'n'
+he ain' no business to do, and don't spell the Saviour's
+name with a little g, he ain't runnin' no resks--he's
+about as saift as he b'longed to a church."
+
+"But suppose he did spell it with a little g--what then?"
+
+"Well, if he done it a-purpose, I reckon he wouldn't
+stand no chance--he OUGHTN'T to have no chance, anyway,
+I'm most rotten certain 'bout that."
+
+"What is your name?"
+
+"Nicodemus Dodge."
+
+"I think maybe you'll do, Nicodemus.  We'll give you
+a trial, anyway."
+
+"All right."
+
+"When would you like to begin?"
+
+"Now."
+
+So, within ten minutes after we had first glimpsed this
+nondescript he was one of us, and with his coat off
+and hard at it.
+
+Beyond that end of our establishment which was furthest
+from the street, was a deserted garden, pathless,
+and thickly grown with the bloomy and villainous "jimpson"
+weed and its common friend the stately sunflower.
+In the midst of this mournful spot was a decayed and aged
+little "frame" house with but one room, one window, and no
+ceiling--it had been a smoke-house a generation before.
+Nicodemus was given this lonely and ghostly den as a bedchamber.
+
+The village smarties recognized a treasure in Nicodemus,
+right away--a butt to play jokes on.  It was easy to see
+that he was inconceivably green and confiding.  George Jones
+had the glory of perpetrating the first joke on him;
+he gave him a cigar with a firecracker in it and winked
+to the crowd to come; the thing exploded presently and swept
+away the bulk of Nicodemus's eyebrows and eyelashes.
+He simply said:
+
+"I consider them kind of seeg'yars dangersome,"--and
+seemed to suspect nothing.  The next evening Nicodemus
+waylaid George and poured a bucket of ice-water over him.
+
+One day, while Nicodemus was in swimming, Tom McElroy
+"tied" his clothes.  Nicodemus made a bonfire of Tom's
+by way of retaliation.
+
+A third joke was played upon Nicodemus a day or two later--he
+walked up the middle aisle of the village church, Sunday night,
+with a staring handbill pinned between his shoulders.
+The joker spent the remainder of the night, after church,
+in the cellar of a deserted house, and Nicodemus sat on
+the cellar door till toward breakfast-time to make sure
+that the prisoner remembered that if any noise was made,
+some rough treatment would be the consequence.  The cellar
+had two feet of stagnant water in it, and was bottomed
+with six inches of soft mud.
+
+But I wander from the point.  It was the subject of
+skeletons that brought this boy back to my recollection.
+Before a very long time had elapsed, the village smarties
+began to feel an uncomfortable consciousness of not having
+made a very shining success out of their attempts on the
+simpleton from "old Shelby." Experimenters grew scarce
+and chary.  Now the young doctor came to the rescue.
+There was delight and applause when he proposed to scare
+Nicodemus to death, and explained how he was going to do it.
+He had a noble new skeleton--the skeleton of the late
+and only local celebrity, Jimmy Finn, the village
+drunkard--a grisly piece of property which he had bought
+of Jimmy Finn himself, at auction, for fifty dollars,
+under great competition, when Jimmy lay very sick in
+the tan-yard a fortnight before his death.  The fifty
+dollars had gone promptly for whiskey and had considerably
+hurried up the change of ownership in the skeleton.
+The doctor would put Jimmy Finn's skeleton in Nicodemus's
+bed!
+
+This was done--about half past ten in the evening.
+About Nicodemus's usual bedtime--midnight--the village
+jokers came creeping stealthily through the jimpson
+weeds and sunflowers toward the lonely frame den.
+They reached the window and peeped in.  There sat the
+long-legged pauper, on his bed, in a very short shirt,
+and nothing more; he was dangling his legs contentedly
+back and forth, and wheezing the music of "Camptown Races"
+out of a paper-overlaid comb which he was pressing
+against his mouth; by him lay a new jewsharp, a new top,
+and solid india-rubber ball, a handful of painted marbles,
+five pounds of "store" candy, and a well-gnawed slab of
+gingerbread as big and as thick as a volume of sheet-music.
+He had sold the skeleton to a traveling quack for three
+dollars and was enjoying the result!
+
+Just as we had finished talking about skeletons and were
+drifting into the subject of fossils, Harris and I heard
+a shout, and glanced up the steep hillside.  We saw men
+and women standing away up there looking frightened,
+and there was a bulky object tumbling and floundering
+down the steep slope toward us.  We got out of the way,
+and when the object landed in the road it proved to be a boy.
+He had tripped and fallen, and there was nothing for him
+to do but trust to luck and take what might come.
+
+When one starts to roll down a place like that, there is
+no stopping till the bottom is reached.  Think of people
+FARMING on a slant which is so steep that the best you can
+say of it--if you want to be fastidiously accurate--is,
+that it is a little steeper than a ladder and not quite
+so steep as a mansard roof.  But that is what they do.
+Some of the little farms on the hillside opposite Heidelberg
+were stood up "edgeways." The boy was wonderfully jolted up,
+and his head was bleeding, from cuts which it had got from
+small stones on the way.
+
+Harris and I gathered him up and set him on a stone,
+and by that time the men and women had scampered down
+and brought his cap.
+
+Men, women, and children flocked out from neighboring
+cottages and joined the crowd; the pale boy was petted,
+and stared at, and commiserated, and water was
+brought for him to drink and bathe his bruises in.
+And such another clatter of tongues! All who had seen
+the catastrophe were describing it at once, and each
+trying to talk louder than his neighbor; and one youth
+of a superior genius ran a little way up the hill,
+called attention, tripped, fell, rolled down among us,
+and thus triumphantly showed exactly how the thing had been done.
+
+
+Harris and I were included in all the descriptions;
+how we were coming along; how Hans Gross shouted;
+how we looked up startled; how we saw Peter coming like
+a cannon-shot; how judiciously we got out of the way,
+and let him come; and with what presence of mind we
+picked him up and brushed him off and set him on a rock
+when the performance was over.  We were as much heroes
+as anybody else, except Peter, and were so recognized;
+we were taken with Peter and the populace to Peter's
+mother's cottage, and there we ate bread and cheese,
+and drank milk and beer with everybody, and had a most
+sociable good time; and when we left we had a handshake
+all around, and were receiving and shouting back LEB'
+WOHL's until a turn in the road separated us from our
+cordial and kindly new friends forever.
+
+We accomplished our undertaking.  At half past eight
+in the evening we stepped into Oppenau, just eleven
+hours and a half out of Allerheiligen--one hundred
+and forty-six miles.  This is the distance by pedometer;
+the guide-book and the Imperial Ordinance maps make
+it only ten and a quarter--a surprising blunder,
+for these two authorities are usually singularly accurate
+in the matter of distances.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIV
+[I Protect the Empress of Germany]
+
+That was a thoroughly satisfactory walk--and the only
+one we were ever to have which was all the way downhill.
+We took the train next morning and returned to Baden-Baden
+through fearful fogs of dust.  Every seat was crowded, too;
+for it was Sunday, and consequently everybody was taking
+a "pleasure" excursion.  Hot! the sky was an oven--and
+a sound one, too, with no cracks in it to let in any air.
+An odd time for a pleasure excursion, certainly!
+
+Sunday is the great day on the continent--the free day,
+the happy day.  One can break the Sabbath in a hundred
+ways without committing any sin.
+
+We do not work on Sunday, because the commandment forbids it;
+the Germans do not work on Sunday, because the commandment
+forbids it.  We rest on Sunday, because the commandment
+requires it; the Germans rest on Sunday because the
+commandment requires it.  But in the definition
+of the word "rest" lies all the difference.  With us,
+its Sunday meaning is, stay in the house and keep still;
+with the Germans its Sunday and week-day meanings seem
+to be the same--rest the TIRED PART, and never mind the
+other parts of the frame; rest the tired part, and use
+the means best calculated to rest that particular part.
+Thus: If one's duties have kept him in the house all the week,
+it will rest him to be out on Sunday; if his duties
+have required him to read weighty and serious matter all
+the week, it will rest him to read light matter on Sunday;
+if his occupation has busied him with death and funerals
+all the week, it will rest him to go to the theater Sunday
+night and put in two or three hours laughing at a comedy;
+if he is tired with digging ditches or felling trees
+all the week, it will rest him to lie quiet in the house
+on Sunday; if the hand, the arm, the brain, the tongue,
+or any other member, is fatigued with inanition,
+it is not to be rested by added a day's inanition;
+but if a member is fatigued with exertion, inanition is
+the right rest for it.  Such is the way in which the Germans
+seem to define the word "rest"; that is to say, they rest
+a member by recreating, recuperating, restore its forces.
+But our definition is less broad.  We all rest alike
+on Sunday--by secluding ourselves and keeping still,
+whether that is the surest way to rest the most of us
+or not.  The Germans make the actors, the preachers,
+etc., work on Sunday.  We encourage the preachers,
+the editors, the printers, etc., to work on Sunday,
+and imagine that none of the sin of it falls upon us;
+but I do not know how we are going to get around the fact
+that if it is wrong for the printer to work at his trade
+on Sunday it must be equally wrong for the preacher to
+work at his, since the commandment has made no exception
+in his favor.  We buy Monday morning's paper and read it,
+and thus encourage Sunday printing.  But I shall never do
+it again.
+
+The Germans remember the Sabbath-day to keep it holy,
+by abstaining from work, as commanded; we keep it
+holy by abstaining from work, as commanded, and by
+also abstaining from play, which is not commanded.
+Perhaps we constructively BREAK the command to rest,
+because the resting we do is in most cases only a name,
+and not a fact.
+
+These reasonings have sufficed, in a measure, to mend
+the rent in my conscience which I made by traveling to
+Baden-Baden that Sunday.  We arrived in time to furbish
+up and get to the English church before services began.
+We arrived in considerable style, too, for the landlord
+had ordered the first carriage that could be found,
+since there was no time to lose, and our coachman was
+so splendidly liveried that we were probably mistaken
+for a brace of stray dukes; why else were we honored
+with a pew all to ourselves, away up among the very elect
+at the left of the chancel? That was my first thought.
+In the pew directly in front of us sat an elderly lady,
+plainly and cheaply dressed; at her side sat a young
+lady with a very sweet face, and she also was quite
+simply dressed; but around us and about us were clothes
+and jewels which it would do anybody's heart good to
+worship in.
+
+I thought it was pretty manifest that the elderly lady
+was embarrassed at finding herself in such a conspicuous
+place arrayed in such cheap apparel; I began to feel sorry
+for her and troubled about her.  She tried to seem very busy
+with her prayer-book and her responses, and unconscious
+that she was out of place, but I said to myself, "She is
+not succeeding--there is a distressed tremulousness
+in her voice which betrays increasing embarrassment."
+Presently the Savior's name was mentioned, and in her flurry
+she lost her head completely, and rose and courtesied,
+instead of making a slight nod as everybody else did.
+The sympathetic blood surged to my temples and I turned and gave
+those fine birds what I intended to be a beseeching look,
+but my feelings got the better of me and changed it into
+a look which said, "If any of you pets of fortune laugh
+at this poor soul, you will deserve to be flayed for it."
+Things went from bad to worse, and I shortly found myself
+mentally taking the unfriended lady under my protection.
+My mind was wholly upon her.  I forgot all about the sermon.
+Her embarrassment took stronger and stronger hold upon her;
+she got to snapping the lid of her smelling-bottle--it
+made a loud, sharp sound, but in her trouble she snapped
+and snapped away, unconscious of what she was doing.
+The last extremity was reached when the collection-plate
+began its rounds; the moderate people threw in pennies,
+the nobles and the rich contributed silver, but she laid
+a twenty-mark gold piece upon the book-rest before her
+with a sounding slap! I said to myself, "She has parted
+with all her little hoard to buy the consideration of these
+unpitying people--it is a sorrowful spectacle." I did not
+venture to look around this time; but as the service closed,
+I said to myself, "Let them laugh, it is their opportunity;
+but at the door of this church they shall see her step
+into our fine carriage with us, and our gaudy coachman
+shall drive her home."
+
+Then she rose--and all the congregation stood while she
+walked down the aisle.  She was the Empress of Germany!
+
+No--she had not been so much embarrassed as I had supposed.
+My imagination had got started on the wrong scent, and that
+is always hopeless; one is sure, then, to go straight
+on misinterpreting everything, clear through to the end.
+The young lady with her imperial Majesty was a maid of
+honor--and I had been taking her for one of her boarders,
+all the time.
+
+This is the only time I have ever had an Empress under
+my personal protection; and considering my inexperience,
+I wonder I got through with it so well.  I should have
+been a little embarrassed myself if I had known earlier
+what sort of a contract I had on my hands.
+
+We found that the Empress had been in Baden-Baden
+several days.  It is said that she never attends
+any but the English form of church service.
+
+I lay abed and read and rested from my journey's fatigues
+the remainder of that Sunday, but I sent my agent to represent
+me at the afternoon service, for I never allow anything
+to interfere with my habit of attending church twice every
+Sunday.
+
+There was a vast crowd in the public grounds that night
+to hear the band play the "Fremersberg." This piece tells
+one of the old legends of the region; how a great noble
+of the Middle Ages got lost in the mountains, and wandered
+about with his dogs in a violent storm, until at last
+the faint tones of a monastery bell, calling the monks
+to a midnight service, caught his ear, and he followed
+the direction the sounds came from and was saved.
+A beautiful air ran through the music, without ceasing,
+sometimes loud and strong, sometimes so soft that it
+could hardly be distinguished--but it was always there;
+it swung grandly along through the shrill whistling
+of the storm-wind, the rattling patter of the rain,
+and the boom and crash of the thunder; it wound soft
+and low through the lesser sounds, the distant ones,
+such as the throbbing of the convent bell, the melodious
+winding of the hunter's horn, the distressed bayings
+of his dogs, and the solemn chanting of the monks;
+it rose again, with a jubilant ring, and mingled itself
+with the country songs and dances of the peasants assembled
+in the convent hall to cheer up the rescued huntsman
+while he ate his supper.  The instruments imitated all
+these sounds with a marvelous exactness.  More than one
+man started to raise his umbrella when the storm burst
+forth and the sheets of mimic rain came driving by;
+it was hardly possible to keep from putting your hand
+to your hat when the fierce wind began to rage and shriek;
+and it was NOT possible to refrain from starting when
+those sudden and charmingly real thunder-crashes were
+let loose.
+
+I suppose the "Fremersberg" is a very low-grade music;
+I know, indeed, that it MUST be low-grade music, because it
+delighted me, warmed me, moved me, stirred me, uplifted me,
+enraptured me, that I was full of cry all the time,
+and mad with enthusiasm.  My soul had never had such a
+scouring out since I was born.  The solemn and majestic
+chanting of the monks was not done by instruments,
+but by men's voices; and it rose and fell, and rose again
+in that rich confusion of warring sounds, and pulsing bells,
+and the stately swing of that ever-present enchanting air,
+and it seemed to me that nothing but the very lowest
+of low-grade music COULD be so divinely beautiful.
+The great crowd which the "Fremersberg" had called out was
+another evidence that it was low-grade music; for only
+the few are educated up to a point where high-grade music
+gives pleasure.  I have never heard enough classic music
+to be able to enjoy it.  I dislike the opera because I want
+to love it and can't.
+
+I suppose there are two kinds of music--one kind which
+one feels, just as an oyster might, and another sort
+which requires a higher faculty, a faculty which must
+be assisted and developed by teaching.  Yet if base music
+gives certain of us wings, why should we want any other?
+But we do.  We want it because the higher and better
+like it.  We want it without giving it the necessary
+time and trouble; so we climb into that upper tier,
+that dress-circle, by a lie; we PRETEND we like it.
+I know several of that sort of people--and I propose
+to be one of them myself when I get home with my fine
+European education.
+
+And then there is painting.  What a red rag is to a bull,
+Turner's "Slave Ship" was to me, before I studied art.
+Mr. Ruskin is educated in art up to a point where that
+picture throws him into as mad an ecstasy of pleasure
+as it used to throw me into one of rage, last year,
+when I was ignorant.  His cultivation enables him--and me,
+now--to see water in that glaring yellow mud, and natural
+effects in those lurid explosions of mixed smoke and flame,
+and crimson sunset glories; it reconciles him--and me,
+now--to the floating of iron cable-chains and other
+unfloatable things; it reconciles us to fishes swimming
+around on top of the mud--I mean the water.  The most of
+the picture is a manifest impossibility--that is to say,
+a lie; and only rigid cultivation can enable a man to find
+truth in a lie.  But it enabled Mr. Ruskin to do it,
+and it has enabled me to do it, and I am thankful for it.
+A Boston newspaper reporter went and took a look at the Slave
+Ship floundering about in that fierce conflagration of reds
+and yellows, and said it reminded him of a tortoise-shell
+cat having a fit in a platter of tomatoes.  In my then
+uneducated state, that went home to my non-cultivation,
+and I thought here is a man with an unobstructed eye.
+Mr. Ruskin would have said: This person is an ass.
+That is what I would say, now. [1]
+
+1.  Months after this was written, I happened into the National
+    Gallery in London, and soon became so fascinated with the
+    Turner pictures that I could hardly get away from the place.
+    I went there often, afterward, meaning to see the rest
+    of the gallery, but the Turner spell was too strong;
+    it could not be shaken off.  However, the Turners
+    which attracted me most did not remind me of the Slave Ship.
+
+However, our business in Baden-Baden this time,
+was to join our courier.  I had thought it best
+to hire one, as we should be in Italy, by and by,
+and we did not know the language.  Neither did he.
+We found him at the hotel, ready to take charge of us.
+I asked him if he was "all fixed." He said he was.
+That was very true.  He had a trunk, two small satchels,
+and an umbrella.  I was to pay him fifty-five dollars
+a month and railway fares.  On the continent the railway
+fare on a trunk is about the same it is on a man.
+Couriers do not have to pay any board and lodging.
+This seems a great saving to the tourist--at first.
+It does not occur to the tourist that SOMEBODY pays that
+man's board and lodging.  It occurs to him by and by,
+however, in one of his lucid moments.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXV
+[Hunted by the Little Chamois]
+
+Next morning we left in the train for Switzerland,
+and reached Lucerne about ten o'clock at night.
+The first discovery I made was that the beauty of the lake
+had not been exaggerated.  Within a day or two I made
+another discovery.  This was, that the lauded chamois
+is not a wild goat; that it is not a horned animal;
+that it is not shy; that it does not avoid human society;
+and that there is no peril in hunting it.  The chamois is
+a black or brown creature no bigger than a mustard seed;
+you do not have to go after it, it comes after you;
+it arrives in vast herds and skips and scampers all over
+your body, inside your clothes; thus it is not shy,
+but extremely sociable; it is not afraid of man, on the
+contrary, it will attack him; its bite is not dangerous,
+but neither is it pleasant; its activity has not been
+overstated --if you try to put your finger on it,
+it will skip a thousand times its own length at one jump,
+and no eye is sharp enough to see where it lights.
+A great deal of romantic nonsense has been written
+about the Swiss chamois and the perils of hunting it,
+whereas the truth is that even women and children
+hunt it, and fearlessly; indeed, everybody hunts it;
+the hunting is going on all the time, day and night,
+in bed and out of it.  It is poetic foolishness to hunt
+it with a gun; very few people do that; there is not
+one man in a million who can hit it with a gun.
+It is much easier to catch it than it is to shoot it,
+and only the experienced chamois-hunter can do either.
+Another common piece of exaggeration is that about the
+"scarcity" of the chamois.  It is the reverse of scarce.
+Droves of one hundred million chamois are not unusual
+in the Swiss hotels.  Indeed, they are so numerous
+as to be a great pest.  The romancers always dress up
+the chamois-hunter in a fanciful and picturesque costume,
+whereas the best way to hunt this game is to do it without
+any costume at all.  The article of commerce called
+chamois-skin is another fraud; nobody could skin a chamois,
+it is too small.  The creature is a humbug in every way,
+and everything which has been written about it is
+sentimental exaggeration.  It was no pleasure to me to find
+the chamois out, for he had been one of my pet illusions;
+all my life it had been my dream to see him in his native
+wilds some day, and engage in the adventurous sport
+of chasing him from cliff to cliff.  It is no pleasure
+to me to expose him, now, and destroy the reader's delight
+in him and respect for him, but still it must be done,
+for when an honest writer discovers an imposition it
+is his simple duty to strip it bare and hurl it down
+from its place of honor, no matter who suffers by it;
+any other course would render him unworthy of the public
+confidence.
+
+Lucerne is a charming place.  It begins at the water's edge,
+with a fringe of hotels, and scrambles up and spreads
+itself over two or three sharp hills in a crowded,
+disorderly, but picturesque way, offering to the eye
+a heaped-up confusion of red roofs, quaint gables,
+dormer windows, toothpick steeples, with here and there
+a bit of ancient embattled wall bending itself over
+the ridges, worm-fashion, and here and there an old square
+tower of heavy masonry.  And also here and there a town
+clock with only one hand--a hand which stretches across
+the dial and has no joint in it; such a clock helps out
+the picture, but you cannot tell the time of day by it.
+Between the curving line of hotels and the lake is a broad
+avenue with lamps and a double rank of low shade trees.
+The lake-front is walled with masonry like a pier,
+and has a railing, to keep people from walking overboard.
+All day long the vehicles dash along the avenue, and nurses,
+children, and tourists sit in the shade of the trees,
+or lean on the railing and watch the schools of fishes
+darting about in the clear water, or gaze out over the lake
+at the stately border of snow-hooded mountains peaks.
+Little pleasure steamers, black with people, are coming
+and going all the time; and everywhere one sees young
+girls and young men paddling about in fanciful rowboats,
+or skimming along by the help of sails when there is any wind.
+The front rooms of the hotels have little railed balconies,
+where one may take his private luncheon in calm,
+cool comfort and look down upon this busy and pretty
+scene and enjoy it without having to do any of the work
+connected with it.
+
+Most of the people, both male and female, are in walking
+costume, and carry alpenstocks.  Evidently, it is not
+considered safe to go about in Switzerland, even in town,
+without an alpenstock.  If the tourist forgets and
+comes down to breakfast without his alpenstock he goes
+back and gets it, and stands it up in the corner.
+When his touring in Switzerland is finished, he does not
+throw that broomstick away, but lugs it home with him,
+to the far corners of the earth, although this costs him
+more trouble and bother than a baby or a courier could.
+You see, the alpenstock is his trophy; his name
+is burned upon it; and if he has climbed a hill,
+or jumped a brook, or traversed a brickyard with it,
+he has the names of those places burned upon it, too.
+Thus it is his regimental flag, so to speak, and bears
+the record of his achievements.  It is worth three francs
+when he buys it, but a bonanza could not purchase it
+after his great deeds have been inscribed upon it.
+There are artisans all about Switzerland whose trade it is
+to burn these things upon the alpenstock of the tourist.
+And observe, a man is respected in Switzerland according
+to his alpenstock.  I found I could get no attention there,
+while I carried an unbranded one.  However, branding is
+not expected, so I soon remedied that.  The effect
+upon the next detachment of tourists was very marked.
+I felt repaid for my trouble.
+
+Half of the summer horde in Switzerland is made up of
+English people; the other half is made up of many nationalities,
+the Germans leading and the Americans coming next.
+The Americans were not as numerous as I had expected
+they would be.
+
+The seven-thirty table d'ho^te at the great Schweitzerhof
+furnished a mighty array and variety of nationalities,
+but it offered a better opportunity to observe costumes
+than people, for the multitude sat at immensely long tables,
+and therefore the faces were mainly seen in perspective;
+but the breakfasts were served at small round tables,
+and then if one had the fortune to get a table in the
+midst of the assemblage he could have as many faces
+to study as he could desire.  We used to try to guess out
+the nationalities, and generally succeeded tolerably well.
+Sometimes we tried to guess people's names; but that was
+a failure; that is a thing which probably requires a good
+deal of practice.  We presently dropped it and gave our
+efforts to less difficult particulars.  One morning I
+said:
+
+"There is an American party."
+
+Harris said:
+
+"Yes--but name the state."
+
+I named one state, Harris named another.  We agreed upon
+one thing, however--that the young girl with the party
+was very beautiful, and very tastefully dressed.
+But we disagreed as to her age.  I said she was eighteen,
+Harris said she was twenty.  The dispute between us
+waxed warm, and I finally said, with a pretense of being
+in earnest:
+
+"Well, there is one way to settle the matter--I will go
+and ask her."
+
+Harris said, sarcastically, "Certainly, that is the thing
+to do.  All you need to do is to use the common formula
+over here: go and say, 'I'm an American!' Of course she
+will be glad to see you."
+
+Then he hinted that perhaps there was no great danger
+of my venturing to speak to her.
+
+I said, "I was only talking--I didn't intend to approach her,
+but I see that you do not know what an intrepid person
+I am.  I am not afraid of any woman that walks.
+I will go and speak to this young girl."
+
+The thing I had in my mind was not difficult.
+I meant to address her in the most respectful way and ask
+her to pardon me if her strong resemblance to a former
+acquaintance of mine was deceiving me; and when she should
+reply that the name I mentioned was not the name she bore,
+I meant to beg pardon again, most respectfully, and retire.
+There would be no harm done.  I walked to her table,
+bowed to the gentleman, then turned to her and was about
+to begin my little speech when she exclaimed:
+
+"I KNEW I wasn't mistaken--I told John it was you!
+John said it probably wasn't, but I knew I was right.
+I said you would recognize me presently and come over;
+and I'm glad you did, for I shouldn't have felt much flattered
+if you had gone out of this room without recognizing me.
+Sit down, sit down--how odd it is--you are the last person I
+was ever expecting to see again."
+
+This was a stupefying surprise.  It took my wits
+clear away, for an instant.  However, we shook hands
+cordially all around, and I sat down.  But truly this
+was the tightest place I ever was in.  I seemed to vaguely
+remember the girl's face, now, but I had no idea where I
+had seen it before, or what named belonged with it.
+I immediately tried to get up a diversion about Swiss scenery,
+to keep her from launching into topics that might
+betray that I did not know her, but it was of no use,
+she went right along upon matters which interested her more:
+
+"Oh dear, what a night that was, when the sea washed
+the forward boats away--do you remember it?"
+
+"Oh, DON'T I!" said I--but I didn't. I wished the sea
+had washed the rudder and the smoke-stack and the captain
+away--then I could have located this questioner.
+
+"And don't you remember how frightened poor Mary was,
+and how she cried?"
+
+"Indeed I do!" said I. "Dear me, how it all comes back!"
+
+I fervently wished it WOULD come back--but my memory was
+a blank.  The wise way would have been to frankly own up;
+but I could not bring myself to do that, after the young
+girl had praised me so for recognizing her; so I went on,
+deeper and deeper into the mire, hoping for a chance clue
+but never getting one.  The Unrecognizable continued,
+with vivacity:
+
+"Do you know, George married Mary, after all?"
+
+"Why, no! Did he?"
+
+"Indeed he did.  He said he did not believe she was half
+as much to blame as her father was, and I thought he
+was right.  Didn't you?"
+
+"Of course he was.  It was a perfectly plain case.
+I always said so."
+
+"Why, no you didn't!--at least that summer."
+
+"Oh, no, not that summer.  No, you are perfectly right
+about that.  It was the following winter that I said it."
+
+"Well, as it turned out, Mary was not in the least
+to blame --it was all her father's fault--at least
+his and old Darley's."
+
+It was necessary to say something--so I said:
+
+"I always regarded Darley as a troublesome old thing."
+
+"So he was, but then they always had a great affection
+for him, although he had so many eccentricities.
+You remember that when the weather was the least cold,
+he would try to come into the house."
+
+I was rather afraid to proceed.  Evidently Darley was not
+a man--he must be some other kind of animal--possibly
+a dog, maybe an elephant.  However, tails are common
+to all animals, so I ventured to say:
+
+"And what a tail he had!"
+
+"ONE! He had a thousand!"
+
+This was bewildering.  I did not quite know what to say,
+so I only said:
+
+"Yes, he WAS rather well fixed in the matter of tails."
+
+"For a negro, and a crazy one at that, I should say he was,"
+said she.
+
+It was getting pretty sultry for me.  I said to myself,
+"Is it possible she is going to stop there, and wait for
+me to speak? If she does, the conversation is blocked.
+A negro with a thousand tails is a topic which a person
+cannot talk upon fluently and instructively without more
+or less preparation.  As to diving rashly into such a
+vast subject--"
+
+But here, to my gratitude, she interrupted my thoughts
+by saying:
+
+"Yes, when it came to tales of his crazy woes, there was
+simply no end to them if anybody would listen.  His own
+quarters were comfortable enough, but when the weather
+was cold, the family were sure to have his company--nothing
+could keep him out of the house.  But they always bore it
+kindly because he had saved Tom's life, years before.
+You remember Tom?
+
+"Oh, perfectly.  Fine fellow he was, too."
+
+"Yes he was.  And what a pretty little thing his child was!"
+
+"You may well say that.  I never saw a prettier child."
+
+"I used to delight to pet it and dandle it and play
+with it."
+
+"So did I."
+
+"You named it.  What WAS that name? I can't call it
+to mind."
+
+It appeared to me that the ice was getting pretty
+thin, here.  I would have given something to know
+what the child's was.  However, I had the good luck
+to think of a name that would fit either sex--so I brought it
+out:
+
+"I named it Frances."
+
+"From a relative, I suppose? But you named the one that died,
+too--one that I never saw.  What did you call that one?"
+
+I was out of neutral names, but as the child was dead
+and she had never seen it, I thought I might risk a name
+for it and trust to luck.  Therefore I said:
+
+"I called that one Thomas Henry."
+
+She said, musingly:
+
+"That is very singular ... very singular."
+
+I sat still and let the cold sweat run down.  I was
+in a good deal of trouble, but I believed I could worry
+through if she wouldn't ask me to name any more children.
+I wondered where the lightning was going to strike next.
+She was still ruminating over that last child's title,
+but presently she said:
+
+"I have always been sorry you were away at the time--I
+would have had you name my child."
+
+"YOUR child! Are you married?"
+
+"I have been married thirteen years."
+
+"Christened, you mean."
+
+`"No, married.  The youth by your side is my son."
+
+"It seems incredible--even impossible.  I do not mean
+any harm by it, but would you mind telling me if you
+are any over eighteen?--that is to say, will you tell
+me how old you are?"
+
+"I was just nineteen the day of the storm we were
+talking about.  That was my birthday."
+
+That did not help matters, much, as I did not know
+the date of the storm.  I tried to think of some
+non-committal thing to say, to keep up my end of the talk,
+and render my poverty in the matter of reminiscences
+as little noticeable as possible, but I seemed to be
+about out of non-committal things.  I was about to say,
+"You haven't changed a bit since then"--but that was risky.
+I thought of saying, "You have improved ever so much
+since then"--but that wouldn't answer, of course.
+I was about to try a shy at the weather, for a saving change,
+when the girl slipped in ahead of me and said:
+
+"How I have enjoyed this talk over those happy old times
+--haven't you?"
+
+"I never have spent such a half-hour in all my life before!"
+said I, with emotion; and I could have added, with a
+near approach to truth, "and I would rather be scalped
+than spend another one like it." I was holily grateful
+to be through with the ordeal, and was about to make
+my good-bys and get out, when the girl said:
+
+"But there is one thing that is ever so puzzling to me."
+
+"Why, what is that?"
+
+"That dead child's name.  What did you say it was?"
+
+Here was another balmy place to be in: I had forgotten the
+child's name; I hadn't imagined it would be needed again.
+However, I had to pretend to know, anyway, so I said:
+
+"Joseph William."
+
+The youth at my side corrected me, and said:
+
+"No, Thomas Henry."
+
+I thanked him--in words--and said, with trepidation:
+
+"O yes--I was thinking of another child that I named--I
+have named a great many, and I get them confused--this
+one was named Henry Thompson--"
+
+"Thomas Henry," calmly interposed the boy.
+
+I thanked him again--strictly in words--and stammered
+out:
+
+"Thomas Henry--yes, Thomas Henry was the poor child's name.
+I named him for Thomas--er--Thomas Carlyle, the great author,
+you know--and Henry--er--er--Henry the Eight.  The parents
+were very grateful to have a child named Thomas Henry."
+
+"That makes it more singular than ever," murmured my
+beautiful friend.
+
+"Does it? Why?"
+
+"Because when the parents speak of that child now,
+they always call it Susan Amelia."
+
+That spiked my gun.  I could not say anything.  I was entirely
+out of verbal obliquities; to go further would be to lie,
+and that I would not do; so I simply sat still and suffered
+--sat mutely and resignedly there, and sizzled--for I
+was being slowly fried to death in my own blushes.
+Presently the enemy laughed a happy laugh and said:
+
+"I HAVE enjoyed this talk over old times, but you have not.
+I saw very soon that you were only pretending to know me,
+and so as I had wasted a compliment on you in the beginning,
+I made up my mind to punish you.  And I have succeeded
+pretty well.  I was glad to see that you knew George and Tom
+and Darley, for I had never heard of them before and therefore
+could not be sure that you had; and I was glad to learn
+the names of those imaginary children, too.  One can get
+quite a fund of information out of you if one goes at
+it cleverly.  Mary and the storm, and the sweeping away
+of the forward boats, were facts--all the rest was fiction.
+Mary was my sister; her full name was Mary ------. NOW
+do you remember me?"
+
+"Yes," I said, "I do remember you now; and you are as
+hard-headed as you were thirteen years ago in that ship,
+else you wouldn't have punished me so.  You haven't
+change your nature nor your person, in any way at all;
+you look as young as you did then, you are just as beautiful
+as you were then, and you have transmitted a deal
+of your comeliness to this fine boy.  There--if that
+speech moves you any, let's fly the flag of truce,
+with the understanding that I am conquered and confess it."
+
+All of which was agreed to and accomplished, on the spot.
+When I went back to Harris, I said:
+
+"Now you see what a person with talent and address can do."
+
+"Excuse me, I see what a person of colossal ignorance and
+simplicity can do.  The idea of your going and intruding
+on a party of strangers, that way, and talking for half
+an hour; why I never heard of a man in his right mind
+doing such a thing before.  What did you say to them?"
+
+I never said any harm.  I merely asked the girl what her
+name was."
+
+"I don't doubt it.  Upon my word I don't. I think you
+were capable of it.  It was stupid in me to let you go
+over there and make such an exhibition of yourself.
+But you know I couldn't really believe you would do such
+an inexcusable thing.  What will those people think
+of us? But how did you say it?--I mean the manner of it.
+I hope you were not abrupt."
+
+"No, I was careful about that.  I said, 'My friend and I
+would like to know what your name is, if you don't mind.'"
+
+"No, that was not abrupt.  There is a polish about it that
+does you infinite credit.  And I am glad you put me in;
+that was a delicate attention which I appreciate at its
+full value.  What did she do?"
+
+"She didn't do anything in particular.  She told me
+her name."
+
+"Simply told you her name.  Do you mean to say she did
+not show any surprise?"
+
+"Well, now I come to think, she did show something;
+maybe it was surprise; I hadn't thought of that--I took
+it for gratification."
+
+"Oh, undoubtedly you were right; it must have been gratification;
+it could not be otherwise than gratifying to be assaulted
+by a stranger with such a question as that.  Then what did you
+do?"
+
+"I offered my hand and the party gave me a shake."
+
+"I saw it! I did not believe my own eyes, at the time.
+Did the gentleman say anything about cutting your throat?"
+
+"No, they all seemed glad to see me, as far as I could judge."
+
+"And do you know, I believe they were.  I think they said
+to themselves, 'Doubtless this curiosity has got away from
+his keeper--let us amuse ourselves with him.' There is
+no other way of accounting for their facile docility.
+You sat down.  Did they ASK you to sit down?"
+
+"No, they did not ask me, but I suppose they did not think
+of it."
+
+"You have an unerring instinct.  What else did you do?
+What did you talk about?"
+
+"Well, I asked the girl how old she was."
+
+"UNdoubtedly. Your delicacy is beyond praise.  Go on,
+go on--don't mind my apparent misery--I always look
+so when I am steeped in a profound and reverent joy.
+Go on--she told you her age?"
+
+"Yes, she told me her age, and all about her mother,
+and her grandmother, and her other relations, and all
+about herself."
+
+"Did she volunteer these statistics?"
+
+"No, not exactly that.  I asked the questions and she
+answered them."
+
+"This is divine.  Go on--it is not possible that you
+forgot to inquire into her politics?"
+
+"No, I thought of that.  She is a democrat, her husband
+is a republican, and both of them are Baptists."
+
+"Her husband? Is that child married?"
+
+"She is not a child.  She is married, and that is her
+husband who is there with her."
+
+"Has she any children."
+
+"Yes--seven and a half."
+
+"That is impossible."
+
+"No, she has them.  She told me herself."
+
+"Well, but seven and a HALF? How do you make out the half?
+Where does the half come in?"
+
+"There is a child which she had by another husband
+--not this one but another one--so it is a stepchild,
+and they do not count in full measure."
+
+"Another husband? Has she another husband?"
+
+"Yes, four.  This one is number four."
+
+"I don't believe a word of it.  It is impossible,
+upon its face.  Is that boy there her brother?"
+
+"No, that is her son.  He is her youngest.  He is not
+as old as he looked; he is only eleven and a half."
+
+"These things are all manifestly impossible.  This is a
+wretched business.  It is a plain case: they simply took
+your measure, and concluded to fill you up.  They seem
+to have succeeded.  I am glad I am not in the mess;
+they may at least be charitable enough to think there
+ain't a pair of us.  Are they going to stay here long?"
+
+"No, they leave before noon."
+
+"There is one man who is deeply grateful for that.
+How did you find out? You asked, I suppose?"
+
+"No, along at first I inquired into their plans, in a
+general way, and they said they were going to be here
+a week, and make trips round about; but toward the end
+of the interview, when I said you and I would tour around
+with them with pleasure, and offered to bring you over
+and introduce you, they hesitated a little, and asked
+if you were from the same establishment that I was.
+I said you were, and then they said they had changed
+their mind and considered it necessary to start at once
+and visit a sick relative in Siberia."
+
+"Ah, me, you struck the summit! You struck the loftiest
+altitude of stupidity that human effort has ever reached.
+You shall have a monument of jackasses' skulls as high
+as the Strasburg spire if you die before I do.
+They wanted to know I was from the same 'establishment'
+that you hailed from, did they? What did they mean by
+'establishment'?"
+
+"I don't know; it never occurred to me to ask."
+
+"Well _I_ know-- they meant an asylum-- an IDIOT asylum,
+do you understand? So they DO think there's a pair of us,
+after all.  Now what do you think of yourself?"
+
+"Well, I don't know.  I didn't know I was doing any harm;
+I didn't MEAN to do any harm.  They were very nice people,
+and they seemed to like me."
+
+Harris made some rude remarks and left for his bedroom
+--to break some furniture, he said.  He was a singularly
+irascible man; any little thing would disturb his temper.
+
+I had been well scorched by the young woman, but no matter,
+I took it out on Harris.  One should always "get even"
+in some way, else the sore place will go on hurting.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVI
+[The Nest of the Cuckoo-clock]
+
+The Hofkirche is celebrated for its organ concerts.
+All summer long the tourists flock to that church about six
+o'clock in the evening, and pay their franc, and listen
+to the noise.  They don't stay to hear all of it, but get up
+and tramp out over the sounding stone floor, meeting late
+comers who tramp in in a sounding and vigorous way.
+This tramping back and forth is kept up nearly all the time,
+and is accented by the continuous slamming of the door,
+and the coughing and barking and sneezing of the crowd.
+Meantime, the big organ is booming and crashing and
+thundering away, doing its best to prove that it is
+the biggest and best organ in Europe, and that a tight
+little box of a church is the most favorable place
+to average and appreciate its powers in.  It is true,
+there were some soft and merciful passages occasionally,
+but the tramp-tramp of the tourists only allowed one to get
+fitful glimpses of them, so to speak.  Then right away
+the organist would let go another avalanche.
+
+The commerce of Lucerne consists mainly in gimcrackery of the
+souvenir sort; the shops are packed with Alpine crystals,
+photographs of scenery, and wooden and ivory carvings.
+I will not conceal the fact that miniature figures of the
+Lion of Lucerne are to be had in them.  Millions of them.
+But they are libels upon him, every one of them.
+There is a subtle something about the majestic pathos
+of the original which the copyist cannot get.  Even the sun
+fails to get it; both the photographer and the carver give
+you a dying lion, and that is all.  The shape is right,
+the attitude is right, the proportions are right, but that
+indescribable something which makes the Lion of Lucerne
+the most mournful and moving piece of stone in the world,
+is wanting.
+
+The Lion lies in his lair in the perpendicular face of a low
+cliff--for he is carved from the living rock of the cliff.
+His size is colossal, his attitude is noble.  How head
+is bowed, the broken spear is sticking in his shoulder,
+his protecting paw rests upon the lilies of France.
+Vines hang down the cliff and wave in the wind, and a clear
+stream trickles from above and empties into a pond at the base,
+and in the smooth surface of the pond the lion is mirrored,
+among the water-lilies.
+
+Around about are green trees and grass.  The place is
+a sheltered, reposeful woodland nook, remote from noise
+and stir and confusion--and all this is fitting, for lions
+do die in such places, and not on granite pedestals
+in public squares fenced with fancy iron railings.
+The Lion of Lucerne would be impressive anywhere,
+but nowhere so impressive as where he is.
+
+Martyrdom is the luckiest fate that can befall some people.
+Louis XVI did not die in his bed, consequently history is
+very gentle with him; she is charitable toward his failings,
+and she finds in him high virtues which are not usually
+considered to be virtues when they are lodged in kings.
+She makes him out to be a person with a meek and modest
+spirit, the heart of a female saint, and a wrong head.
+None of these qualities are kingly but the last.
+Taken together they make a character which would have fared
+harshly at the hands of history if its owner had had the ill
+luck to miss martyrdom.  With the best intentions to do
+the right thing, he always managed to do the wrong one.
+Moreover, nothing could get the female saint out of him.
+He knew, well enough, that in national emergencies he must
+not consider how he ought to act, as a man, but how he
+ought to act as a king; so he honestly tried to sink
+the man and be the king--but it was a failure, he only
+succeeded in being the female saint.  He was not instant
+in season, but out of season.  He could not be persuaded
+to do a thing while it could do any good--he was iron,
+he was adamant in his stubbornness then--but as soon as
+the thing had reached a point where it would be positively
+harmful to do it, do it he would, and nothing could
+stop him.  He did not do it because it would be harmful,
+but because he hoped it was not yet too late to achieve
+by it the good which it would have done if applied earlier.
+His comprehension was always a train or two behindhand.
+If a national toe required amputating, he could not see
+that it needed anything more than poulticing; when others
+saw that the mortification had reached the knee, he first
+perceived that the toe needed cutting off--so he cut it off;
+and he severed the leg at the knee when others saw that the
+disease had reached the thigh.  He was good, and honest,
+and well meaning, in the matter of chasing national diseases,
+but he never could overtake one.  As a private man,
+he would have been lovable; but viewed as a king, he was
+strictly contemptible.
+
+His was a most unroyal career, but the most pitiable
+spectacle in it was his sentimental treachery to his
+Swiss guard on that memorable 10th of August, when he
+allowed those heroes to be massacred in his cause,
+and forbade them to shed the "sacred French blood"
+purporting to be flowing in the veins of the red-capped
+mob of miscreants that was raging around the palace.
+He meant to be kingly, but he was only the female saint
+once more.  Some of his biographers think that upon this
+occasion the spirit of Saint Louis had descended upon him.
+It must have found pretty cramped quarters.  If Napoleon
+the First had stood in the shoes of Louis XVI that day,
+instead of being merely a casual and unknown looker-on,
+there would be no Lion of Lucerne, now, but there would
+be a well-stocked Communist graveyard in Paris which would
+answer just as well to remember the 10th of August by.
+
+Martyrdom made a saint of Mary Queen of Scots three
+hundred years ago, and she has hardly lost all of her
+saintship yet.  Martyrdom made a saint of the trivial
+and foolish Marie Antoinette, and her biographers still
+keep her fragrant with the odor of sanctity to this day,
+while unconsciously proving upon almost every page they write
+that the only calamitous instinct which her husband lacked,
+she supplied--the instinct to root out and get rid of
+an honest, able, and loyal official, wherever she found him.
+The hideous but beneficent French Revolution would have
+been deferred, or would have fallen short of completeness,
+or even might not have happened at all, if Marie
+Antoinette had made the unwise mistake of not being born.
+The world owes a great deal to the French Revolution,
+and consequently to its two chief promoters, Louis the
+Poor in Spirit and his queen.
+
+We did not buy any wooden images of the Lion, nor any ivory
+or ebony or marble or chalk or sugar or chocolate ones,
+or even any photographic slanders of him.  The truth is,
+these copies were so common, so universal, in the shops
+and everywhere, that they presently became as intolerable
+to the wearied eye as the latest popular melody usually
+becomes to the harassed ear.  In Lucerne, too, the wood
+carvings of other sorts, which had been so pleasant to look
+upon when one saw them occasionally at home, soon began
+to fatigue us.  We grew very tired of seeing wooden quails
+and chickens picking and strutting around clock-faces,
+and still more tired of seeing wooden images of the alleged
+chamois skipping about wooden rocks, or lying upon them
+in family groups, or peering alertly up from behind them.
+The first day, I would have bought a hundred and fifty
+of these clocks if I had the money--and I did buy three
+--but on the third day the disease had run its course,
+I had convalesced, and was in the market once more--trying
+to sell.  However, I had no luck; which was just as well,
+for the things will be pretty enough, no doubt, when I get
+them home.
+
+For years my pet aversion had been the cuckoo clock;
+now here I was, at last, right in the creature's home;
+so wherever I went that distressing "HOO'hoo! HOO'hoo!
+HOO'hoo!" was always in my ears.  For a nervous man,
+this was a fine state of things.  Some sounds are hatefuler
+than others, but no sound is quite so inane, and silly,
+and aggravating as the "HOO'hoo" of a cuckoo clock, I think.
+I bought one, and am carrying it home to a certain person;
+for I have always said that if the opportunity ever happened,
+I would do that man an ill turn.  What I meant, was, that I
+would break one of his legs, or something of that sort;
+but in Lucerne I instantly saw that I could impair his mind.
+That would be more lasting, and more satisfactory every way.
+So I bought the cuckoo clock; and if I ever get home
+with it, he is "my meat," as they say in the mines.
+I thought of another candidate--a book-reviewer whom
+I could name if I wanted to--but after thinking
+it over, I didn't buy him a clock.  I couldn't injure
+his mind.
+
+We visited the two long, covered wooden bridges which span
+the green and brilliant Reuss just below where it goes
+plunging and hurrahing out of the lake.  These rambling,
+sway-backed tunnels are very attractive things, with their
+alcoved outlooks upon the lovely and inspiriting water.
+They contain two or three hundred queer old pictures,
+by old Swiss masters--old boss sign-painters, who flourished
+before the decadence of art.
+
+The lake is alive with fishes, plainly visible to the eye,
+for the water is very clear.  The parapets in front of the
+hotels were usually fringed with fishers of all ages.
+One day I thought I would stop and see a fish caught.
+The result brought back to my mind, very forcibly,
+a circumstance which I had not thought of before for
+twelve years.  This one:
+
+THE MAN WHO PUT UP AT GADSBY'S
+
+When my odd friend Riley and I were newspaper correspondents
+in Washington, in the winter of '67, we were coming down
+Pennsylvania Avenue one night, near midnight, in a driving
+storm of snow, when the flash of a street-lamp fell upon a man
+who was eagerly tearing along in the opposite direction.
+"This is lucky! You are Mr. Riley, ain't you?"
+
+Riley was the most self-possessed and solemnly deliberate
+person in the republic.  He stopped, looked his man
+over from head to foot, and finally said:
+
+"I am Mr. Riley.  Did you happen to be looking for me?"
+
+"That's just what I was doing," said the man, joyously,
+"and it's the biggest luck in the world that I've found you.
+My name is Lykins.  I'm one of the teachers of the high
+school--San Francisco.  As soon as I heard the San Francisco
+postmastership was vacant, I made up my mind to get it--and here
+I am."
+
+"Yes," said Riley, slowly, "as you have remarked ...
+Mr. Lykins ... here you are.  And have you got it?"
+
+"Well, not exactly GOT it, but the next thing to it.
+I've brought a petition, signed by the Superintendent
+of Public Instruction, and all the teachers, and by more
+than two hundred other people.  Now I want you, if you'll
+be so good, to go around with me to the Pacific delegation,
+for I want to rush this thing through and get along home."
+
+"If the matter is so pressing, you will prefer that we
+visit the delegation tonight," said Riley, in a voice
+which had nothing mocking in it--to an unaccustomed ear.
+
+"Oh, tonight, by all means! I haven't got any time to
+fool around.  I want their promise before I go to bed
+--I ain't the talking kind, I'm the DOING kind!"
+
+"Yes ... you've come to the right place for that.
+When did you arrive?"
+
+"Just an hour ago."
+
+"When are you intending to leave?"
+
+"For New York tomorrow evening--for San Francisco
+next morning."
+
+"Just so....  What are you going to do tomorrow?"
+
+"DO! Why, I've got to go to the President with the petition
+and the delegation, and get the appointment, haven't I?"
+
+"Yes ... very true ... that is correct.  And then what?"
+
+"Executive session of the Senate at 2 P.M.--got to get
+the appointment confirmed--I reckon you'll grant that?"
+
+"Yes ... yes," said Riley, meditatively, "you are
+right again.  Then you take the train for New York in
+the evening, and the steamer for San Francisco next morning?"
+
+"That's it--that's the way I map it out!"
+
+Riley considered a while, and then said:
+
+"You couldn't stay ... a day ... well, say two
+days longer?"
+
+"Bless your soul, no! It's not my style.  I ain't a man
+to go fooling around--I'm a man that DOES things,
+I tell you."
+
+The storm was raging, the thick snow blowing in gusts.
+Riley stood silent, apparently deep in a reverie,
+during a minute or more, then he looked up and said:
+
+"Have you ever heard about that man who put up at Gadsby's,
+once? ... But I see you haven't."
+
+He backed Mr. Lykins against an iron fence, buttonholed him,
+fastened him with his eye, like the Ancient Mariner,
+and proceeded to unfold his narrative as placidly
+and peacefully as if we were all stretched comfortably
+in a blossomy summer meadow instead of being persecuted
+by a wintry midnight tempest:
+
+"I will tell you about that man.  It was in Jackson's time.
+Gadsby's was the principal hotel, then.  Well, this man
+arrived from Tennessee about nine o'clock, one morning,
+with a black coachman and a splendid four-horse carriage and
+an elegant dog, which he was evidently fond of and proud of;
+he drove up before Gadsby's, and the clerk and the landlord
+and everybody rushed out to take charge of him, but he said,
+'Never mind,' and jumped out and told the coachman
+to wait--said he hadn't time to take anything to eat,
+he only had a little claim against the government to collect,
+would run across the way, to the Treasury, and fetch
+the money, and then get right along back to Tennessee,
+for he was in considerable of a hurry.
+
+"Well, about eleven o'clock that night he came back
+and ordered a bed and told them to put the horses
+up--said he would collect the claim in the morning.
+This was in January, you understand--January, 1834
+--the 3d of January--Wednesday.
+
+"Well, on the 5th of February, he sold the fine carriage,
+and bought a cheap second-hand one--said it would answer
+just as well to take the money home in, and he didn't care
+for style.
+
+"On the 11th of August he sold a pair of the fine horses
+--said he'd often thought a pair was better than four,
+to go over the rough mountain roads with where a body
+had to be careful about his driving--and there wasn't
+so much of his claim but he could lug the money home
+with a pair easy enough.
+
+"On the 13th of December he sold another horse--said
+two warn't necessary to drag that old light vehicle
+with--in fact, one could snatch it along faster than
+was absolutely necessary, now that it was good solid
+winter weather and the roads in splendid condition.
+
+"On the 17th of February, 1835, he sold the old carriage
+and bought a cheap second-hand buggy--said a buggy
+was just the trick to skim along mushy, slushy early
+spring roads with, and he had always wanted to try
+a buggy on those mountain roads, anyway.
+
+"On the 1st August he sold the buggy and bought the
+remains of an old sulky--said he just wanted to see
+those green Tennesseans stare and gawk when they saw
+him come a-ripping along in a sulky--didn't believe
+they'd ever heard of a sulky in their lives.
+
+"Well, on the 29th of August he sold his colored
+coachman--said he didn't need a coachman for a sulky
+--wouldn't be room enough for two in it anyway--and,
+besides, it wasn't every day that Providence sent a man
+a fool who was willing to pay nine hundred dollars for
+such a third-rate negro as that--been wanting to get
+rid of the creature for years, but didn't like to THROW him away.
+
+
+"Eighteen months later--that is to say, on the 15th
+of February, 1837--he sold the sulky and bought
+a saddle--said horseback-riding was what the doctor
+had always recommended HIM to take, and dog'd if he
+wanted to risk HIS neck going over those mountain roads
+on wheels in the dead of winter, not if he knew himself.
+
+"On the 9th of April he sold the saddle--said he wasn't
+going to risk HIS life with any perishable saddle-girth
+that ever was made, over a rainy, miry April road,
+while he could ride bareback and know and feel he was
+safe--always HAD despised to ride on a saddle, anyway.
+
+"On the 24th of April he sold his horse--said 'I'm just
+fifty-seven today, hale and hearty--it would be a PRETTY
+howdy-do for me to be wasting such a trip as that and such
+weather as this, on a horse, when there ain't anything
+in the world so splendid as a tramp on foot through
+the fresh spring woods and over the cheery mountains,
+to a man that IS a man--and I can make my dog carry my
+claim in a little bundle, anyway, when it's collected.
+So tomorrow I'll be up bright and early, make my little
+old collection, and mosey off to Tennessee, on my own
+hind legs, with a rousing good-by to Gadsby's.'
+
+"On the 22d of June he sold his dog--said 'Dern a dog,
+anyway, where you're just starting off on a rattling bully
+pleasure tramp through the summer woods and hills--perfect
+nuisance--chases the squirrels, barks at everything,
+goes a-capering and splattering around in the fords
+--man can't get any chance to reflect and enjoy nature
+--and I'd a blamed sight ruther carry the claim myself,
+it's a mighty sight safer; a dog's mighty uncertain
+in a financial way--always noticed it--well, GOOD-by,
+boys--last call--I'm off for Tennessee with a good
+leg and a gay heart, early in the morning.'"
+
+There was a pause and a silence--except the noise
+of the wind and the pelting snow.  Mr. Lykins said,
+impatiently:
+
+"Well?"
+
+Riley said:
+
+"Well,--that was thirty years ago."
+
+"Very well, very well--what of it?"
+
+"I'm great friends with that old patriarch.  He comes
+every evening to tell me good-by. I saw him an hour ago
+--he's off for Tennessee early tomorrow morning--as usual;
+said he calculated to get his claim through and be off
+before night-owls like me have turned out of bed.
+The tears were in his eyes, he was so glad he was going
+to see his old Tennessee and his friends once more."
+
+Another silent pause.  The stranger broke it:
+
+"Is that all?"
+
+"That is all."
+
+"Well, for the TIME of night, and the KIND of night,
+it seems to me the story was full long enough.  But what's
+it all FOR?"
+
+"Oh, nothing in particular."
+
+"Well, where's the point of it?"
+
+"Oh, there isn't any particular point to it.  Only, if you
+are not in TOO much of a hurry to rush off to San Francisco
+with that post-office appointment, Mr. Lykins, I'd advise
+you to 'PUT UP AT GADSBY'S' for a spell, and take it easy.
+Good-by. GOD bless you!"
+
+So saying, Riley blandly turned on his heel and left
+the astonished school-teacher standing there, a musing
+and motionless snow image shining in the broad glow
+of the street-lamp.
+
+He never got that post-office.
+
+To go back to Lucerne and its fishers, I concluded,
+after about nine hours' waiting, that the man who proposes
+to tarry till he sees something hook one of those well-fed
+and experienced fishes will find it wisdom to "put up
+at Gadsby's" and take it easy.  It is likely that a fish
+has not been caught on that lake pier for forty years;
+but no matter, the patient fisher watches his cork there
+all the day long, just the same, and seems to enjoy it.
+One may see the fisher-loafers just as thick and contented
+and happy and patient all along the Seine at Paris,
+but tradition says that the only thing ever caught there
+in modern times is a thing they don't fish for at all--the
+recent dog and the translated cat.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVII
+[I Spare an Awful Bore]
+
+Close by the Lion of Lucerne is what they call the
+"Glacier Garden"--and it is the only one in the world.
+It is on high ground.  Four or five years ago,
+some workmen who were digging foundations for a house
+came upon this interesting relic of a long-departed age.
+Scientific men perceived in it a confirmation of their
+theories concerning the glacial period; so through
+their persuasions the little tract of ground was bought
+and permanently protected against being built upon.
+The soil was removed, and there lay the rasped and guttered
+track which the ancient glacier had made as it moved
+along upon its slow and tedious journey.  This track
+was perforated by huge pot-shaped holes in the bed-rock,
+formed by the furious washing-around in them of boulders
+by the turbulent torrent which flows beneath all glaciers.
+These huge round boulders still remain in the holes;
+they and the walls of the holes are worn smooth by
+the long-continued chafing which they gave each other
+in those old days.  It took a mighty force to churn
+these big lumps of stone around in that vigorous way.
+The neighboring country had a very different shape,
+at that time--the valleys have risen up and become hills,
+since, and the hills have become valleys.  The boulders
+discovered in the pots had traveled a great distance,
+for there is no rock like them nearer than the distant
+Rhone Glacier.
+
+For some days we were content to enjoy looking at the blue
+lake Lucerne and at the piled-up masses of snow-mountains
+that border it all around--an enticing spectacle,
+this last, for there is a strange and fascinating beauty
+and charm about a majestic snow-peak with the sun blazing
+upon it or the moonlight softly enriching it--but finally
+we concluded to try a bit of excursioning around on
+a steamboat, and a dash on foot at the Rigi.  Very well,
+we had a delightful trip to Fluelen, on a breezy, sunny day.
+Everybody sat on the upper deck, on benches, under an awning;
+everybody talked, laughed, and exclaimed at the wonder scenery;
+in truth, a trip on that lake is almost the perfection
+of pleasuring.  The mountains were a never-ceasing marvel.
+Sometimes they rose straight up out of the lake,
+and towered aloft and overshadowed our pygmy steamer
+with their prodigious bulk in the most impressive way.
+Not snow-clad mountains, these, yet they climbed high
+enough toward the sky to meet the clouds and veil their
+foreheads in them.  They were not barren and repulsive,
+but clothed in green, and restful and pleasant to the eye.
+And they were so almost straight-up-and-down, sometimes,
+that one could not imagine a man being able to keep
+his footing upon such a surface, yet there are paths,
+and the Swiss people go up and down them every day.
+
+Sometimes one of these monster precipices had the slight
+inclination of the huge ship-houses in dockyards
+--then high aloft, toward the sky, it took a little
+stronger inclination, like that of a mansard roof--and
+perched on this dizzy mansard one's eye detected little
+things like martin boxes, and presently perceived that
+these were the dwellings of peasants--an airy place
+for a home, truly.  And suppose a peasant should walk
+in his sleep, or his child should fall out of the front
+yard?--the friends would have a tedious long journey down
+out of those cloud-heights before they found the remains.
+And yet those far-away homes looked ever so seductive,
+they were so remote from the troubled world, they dozed
+in such an atmosphere of peace and dreams--surely no one
+who has learned to live up there would ever want
+to live on a meaner level.
+
+We swept through the prettiest little curving arms
+of the lake, among these colossal green walls,
+enjoying new delights, always, as the stately panorama
+unfolded itself before us and rerolled and hid itself
+behind us; and now and then we had the thrilling surprise
+of bursting suddenly upon a tremendous white mass like the
+distant and dominating Jungfrau, or some kindred giant,
+looming head and shoulders above a tumbled waste of lesser Alps.
+
+Once, while I was hungrily taking in one of these surprises,
+and doing my best to get all I possibly could of it while it
+should last, I was interrupted by a young and care-free voice:
+
+"You're an American, I think--so'm I."
+
+He was about eighteen, or possibly nineteen; slender and
+of medium height; open, frank, happy face; a restless
+but independent eye; a snub nose, which had the air
+of drawing back with a decent reserve from the silky
+new-born mustache below it until it should be introduced;
+a loosely hung jaw, calculated to work easily in the sockets.
+He wore a low-crowned, narrow-brimmed straw hat,
+with a broad blue ribbon around it which had a white
+anchor embroidered on it in front; nobby short-tailed
+coat, pantaloons, vest, all trim and neat and up with
+the fashion; red-striped stockings, very low-quarter
+patent-leather shoes, tied with black ribbon; blue ribbon
+around his neck, wide-open collar; tiny diamond studs;
+wrinkleless kids; projecting cuffs, fastened with large
+oxidized silver sleeve-buttons, bearing the device
+of a dog's face--English pug.  He carries a slim cane,
+surmounted with an English pug's head with red glass eyes.
+Under his arm he carried a German grammar--Otto's. His hair
+was short, straight, and smooth, and presently when he turned
+his head a moment, I saw that it was nicely parted behind.
+He took a cigarette out of a dainty box, stuck it into
+a meerschaum holder which he carried in a morocco case,
+and reached for my cigar.  While he was lighting, I said:
+
+"Yes--I am an American."
+
+"I knew it--I can always tell them.  What ship did you
+come over in?"
+
+"HOLSATIA."
+
+"We came in the BATAVIA--Cunard, you know.  What kind
+of passage did you have?"
+
+"Tolerably rough."
+
+"So did we.  Captain said he'd hardly ever seen it rougher.
+Where are you from?"
+
+"New England."
+
+"So'm I. I'm from New Bloomfield.  Anybody with you?"
+
+"Yes--a friend."
+
+"Our whole family's along.  It's awful slow, going around
+alone--don't you think so?"
+
+"Rather slow."
+
+"Ever been over here before?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"I haven't. My first trip.  But we've been all around--Paris
+and everywhere.  I'm to enter Harvard next year.
+Studying German all the time, now.  Can't enter till I
+know German.  I know considerable French--I get along
+pretty well in Paris, or anywhere where they speak French.
+What hotel are you stopping at?"
+
+"Schweitzerhof."
+
+"No! is that so? I never see you in the reception-room.
+I go to the reception-room a good deal of the time,
+because there's so many Americans there.  I make lots
+of acquaintances.  I know an American as soon as I see
+him--and so I speak to him and make his acquaintance.
+I like to be always making acquaintances--don't you?"
+
+"Lord, yes!"
+
+"You see it breaks up a trip like this, first rate.
+I never got bored on a trip like this, if I can
+make acquaintances and have somebody to talk to.
+But I think a trip like this would be an awful bore,
+if a body couldn't find anybody to get acquainted with
+and talk to on a trip like this.  I'm fond of talking,
+ain't you?
+
+"Passionately."
+
+"Have you felt bored, on this trip?"
+
+"Not all the time, part of it."
+
+"That's it!--you see you ought to go around and get acquainted,
+and talk.  That's my way.  That's the way I always do--I
+just go 'round, 'round, 'round and talk, talk, talk--I
+never get bored.  You been up the Rigi yet?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Going?"
+
+"I think so."
+
+"What hotel you going to stop at?"
+
+"I don't know.  Is there more than one?"
+
+"Three. You stop at the Schreiber--you'll find it full
+of Americans.  What ship did you say you came over in?"
+
+"CITY OF ANTWERP."
+
+"German, I guess.  You going to Geneva?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"What hotel you going to stop at?"
+
+"Hotel de l''Ecu de G'en`eve."
+
+"Don't you do it! No Americans there! You stop at one
+of those big hotels over the bridge--they're packed
+full of Americans."
+
+"But I want to practice my Arabic."
+
+"Good gracious, do you speak Arabic?"
+
+"Yes--well enough to get along."
+
+"Why, hang it, you won't get along in Geneva--THEY don't
+speak Arabic, they speak French.  What hotel are you
+stopping at here?"
+
+"Hotel Pension-Beaurivage."
+
+"Sho, you ought to stop at the Schweitzerhof.  Didn't you
+know the Schweitzerhof was the best hotel in Switzerland?
+--look at your Baedeker."
+
+"Yes, I know--but I had an idea there warn't any
+Americans there."
+
+"No Americans! Why, bless your soul, it's just alive with
+them! I'm in the great reception-room most all the time.
+I make lots of acquaintances there.  Not as many as I did
+at first, because now only the new ones stop in there
+--the others go right along through.  Where are you from?"
+
+"Arkansaw."
+
+"Is that so? I'm from New England--New Bloomfield's my town
+when I'm at home.  I'm having a mighty good time today,
+ain't you?"
+
+"Divine."
+
+"That's what I call it.  I like this knocking around,
+loose and easy, and making acquaintances and talking.
+I know an American, soon as I see him; so I go and speak
+to him and make his acquaintance.  I ain't ever bored,
+on a trip like this, if I can make new acquaintances and talk.
+I'm awful fond of talking when I can get hold of the right
+kind of a person, ain't you?"
+
+"I prefer it to any other dissipation."
+
+"That's my notion, too.  Now some people like to take
+a book and sit down and read, and read, and read, or moon
+around yawping at the lake or these mountains and things,
+but that ain't my way; no, sir, if they like it, let 'em do it,
+I don't object; but as for me, talking's what _I_ like.
+You been up the Rigi?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"What hotel did you stop at?"
+
+"Schreiber."
+
+"That's the place!--I stopped there too.  FULL of Americans,
+WASN'T it? It always is--always is.  That's what they say.
+Everybody says that.  What ship did you come over in?"
+
+"VILLE DE PARIS."
+
+"French, I reckon.  What kind of a passage did ... excuse me
+a minute, there's some Americans I haven't seen before."
+
+And away he went.  He went uninjured, too--I had the murderous
+impulse to harpoon him in the back with my alpenstock,
+but as I raised the weapon the disposition left me;
+I found I hadn't the heart to kill him, he was such
+a joyous, innocent, good-natured numbskull.
+
+Half an hour later I was sitting on a bench inspecting,
+with strong interest, a noble monolith which we were
+skimming by--a monolith not shaped by man, but by Nature's
+free great hand--a massy pyramidal rock eighty feet high,
+devised by Nature ten million years ago against the day
+when a man worthy of it should need it for his monument.
+The time came at last, and now this grand remembrancer
+bears Schiller's name in huge letters upon its face.
+Curiously enough, this rock was not degraded or defiled
+in any way.  It is said that two years ago a stranger let
+himself down from the top of it with ropes and pulleys,
+and painted all over it, in blue letters bigger than those in
+Schiller's name, these words:
+
+"Try Sozodont;" "Buy Sun Stove Polish;" "Helmbold's Buchu;"
+"Try Benzaline for the Blood."
+
+He was captured and it turned out that he was an American.
+Upon his trial the judge said to him:
+
+"You are from a land where any insolent that wants to is
+privileged to profane and insult Nature, and, through her,
+Nature's God, if by so doing he can put a sordid penny
+in his pocket.  But here the case is different.  Because you
+are a foreigner and ignorant, I will make your sentence light;
+if you were a native I would deal strenuously with you.
+Hear and obey: --You will immediately remove every trace
+of your offensive work from the Schiller monument; you pay
+a fine of ten thousand francs; you will suffer two years'
+imprisonment at hard labor; you will then be horsewhipped,
+tarred and feathered, deprived of your ears, ridden on a
+rail to the confines of the canton, and banished forever.
+The severest penalties are omitted in your case--not as
+a grace to you, but to that great republic which had the
+misfortune to give you birth."
+
+The steamer's benches were ranged back to back across
+the deck.  My back hair was mingling innocently with
+the back hair of a couple of ladies.  Presently they
+were addressed by some one and I overheard this conversation:
+
+"You are Americans, I think? So'm I."
+
+"Yes--we are Americans."
+
+"I knew it--I can always tell them.  What ship did you
+come over in?"
+
+"CITY OF CHESTER."
+
+"Oh, yes--Inman line.  We came in the BATAVIA--Cunard
+you know.  What kind of a passage did you have?"
+
+"Pretty fair."
+
+"That was luck.  We had it awful rough.  Captain said
+he'd hardly seen it rougher.  Where are you from?"
+
+"New Jersey."
+
+"So'm I. No--I didn't mean that; I'm from New England.
+New Bloomfield's my place.  These your children?--belong
+to both of you?"
+
+"Only to one of us; they are mine; my friend is not married."
+
+"Single, I reckon? So'm I. Are you two ladies traveling alone?"
+
+"No--my husband is with us."
+
+"Our whole family's along.  It's awful slow, going around
+alone--don't you think so?"
+
+"I suppose it must be."
+
+"Hi, there's Mount Pilatus coming in sight again.
+Named after Pontius Pilate, you know, that shot the apple
+off of William Tell's head.  Guide-book tells all about it,
+they say.  I didn't read it--an American told me.  I don't
+read when I'm knocking around like this, having a good time.
+Did you ever see the chapel where William Tell used
+to preach?"
+
+"I did not know he ever preached there."
+
+"Oh, yes, he did.  That American told me so.  He don't
+ever shut up his guide-book. He knows more about this lake
+than the fishes in it.  Besides, they CALL it 'Tell's
+Chapel'--you know that yourself.  You ever been over here
+before?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"I haven't. It's my first trip.  But we've been all around
+--Paris and everywhere.  I'm to enter Harvard next year.
+Studying German all the time now.  Can't enter till I
+know German.  This book's Otto's grammar.  It's a mighty
+good book to get the ICH HABE GEHABT HABEN's out of.
+But I don't really study when I'm knocking around this way.
+If the notion takes me, I just run over my little
+old ICH HABE GEHABT, DU HAST GEHABT, ER HAT GEHABT,
+WIR HABEN GEHABT, IHR HABEN GEHABT, SIE HABEN GEHABT
+--kind of 'Now-I-lay-me-down-to-sleep' fashion, you know,
+and after that, maybe I don't buckle to it for three days.
+It's awful undermining to the intellect, German is;
+you want to take it in small doses, or first you know
+your brains all run together, and you feel them sloshing
+around in your head same as so much drawn butter.
+But French is different; FRENCH ain't anything.  I ain't
+any more afraid of French than a tramp's afraid of pie; I can
+rattle off my little J'AI, TU AS, IL A, and the rest of it,
+just as easy as a-b-c. I get along pretty well in Paris,
+or anywhere where they speak French.  What hotel are you
+stopping at?"
+
+"The Schweitzerhof."
+
+"No! is that so? I never see you in the big reception-room.
+I go in there a good deal of the time, because there's
+so many Americans there.  I make lots of acquaintances.
+You been up the Rigi yet?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Going?"
+
+"We think of it."
+
+"What hotel you going to stop at?"
+
+"I don't know."
+
+"Well, then you stop at the Schreiber--it's full of Americans.
+What ship did you come over in?"
+
+"CITY OF CHESTER."
+
+"Oh, yes, I remember I asked you that before.  But I
+always ask everybody what ship they came over in, and so
+sometimes I forget and ask again.  You going to Geneva?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"What hotel you going to stop at?"
+
+"We expect to stop in a pension."
+
+"I don't hardly believe you'll like that; there's very few
+Americans in the pensions.  What hotel are you stopping
+at here?"
+
+"The Schweitzerhof."
+
+"Oh, yes.  I asked you that before, too.  But I always
+ask everybody what hotel they're stopping at, and so I've
+got my head all mixed up with hotels.  But it makes talk,
+and I love to talk.  It refreshes me up so--don't it
+you--on a trip like this?"
+
+"Yes--sometimes."
+
+"Well, it does me, too.  As long as I'm talking I never
+feel bored--ain't that the way with you?"
+
+"Yes--generally. But there are exception to the rule."
+
+"Oh, of course.  _I_ don't care to talk to everybody, MYSELF.
+If a person starts in to jabber-jabber-jabber about scenery,
+and history, and pictures, and all sorts of tiresome things,
+I get the fan-tods mighty soon.  I say 'Well, I must be going
+now--hope I'll see you again'--and then I take a walk.  Where you
+from?"
+
+"New Jersey."
+
+"Why, bother it all, I asked you THAT before, too.
+Have you seen the Lion of Lucerne?"
+
+"Not yet."
+
+"Nor I, either.  But the man who told me about
+Mount Pilatus says it's one of the things to see.
+It's twenty-eight feet long.  It don't seem reasonable,
+but he said so, anyway.  He saw it yesterday; said it
+was dying, then, so I reckon it's dead by this time.
+But that ain't any matter, of course they'll stuff it.
+Did you say the children are yours--or HERS?"
+
+"Mine."
+
+"Oh, so you did.  Are you going up the ... no, I asked
+you that.  What ship ... no, I asked you that, too.
+What hotel are you ... no, you told me that.
+Let me see ... um ....  Oh, what kind of voy ... no,
+we've been over that ground, too.  Um ... um ... well,
+I believe that is all.  BONJOUR--I am very glad to have
+made your acquaintance, ladies.  GUTEN TAG."
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVIII
+[The Jodel and Its Native Wilds]
+
+The Rigi-Kulm is an imposing Alpine mass, six thousand
+feet high, which stands by itself, and commands a mighty
+prospect of blue lakes, green valleys, and snowy mountains
+--a compact and magnificent picture three hundred miles
+in circumference.  The ascent is made by rail, or horseback,
+or on foot, as one may prefer.  I and my agent panoplied
+ourselves in walking-costume, one bright morning,
+and started down the lake on the steamboat; we got ashore
+at the village of Waeggis; three-quarters of an hour distant
+from Lucerne.  This village is at the foot of the mountain.
+
+We were soon tramping leisurely up the leafy mule-path,
+and then the talk began to flow, as usual.  It was
+twelve o'clock noon, and a breezy, cloudless day;
+the ascent was gradual, and the glimpses, from under
+the curtaining boughs, of blue water, and tiny sailboats,
+and beetling cliffs, were as charming as glimpses of dreamland.
+All the circumstances were perfect--and the anticipations,
+too, for we should soon be enjoying, for the first time,
+that wonderful spectacle, an Alpine sunrise--the object
+of our journey.  There was (apparently) no real need
+for hurry, for the guide-book made the walking-distance
+from Waeggis to the summit only three hours and a quarter.
+I say "apparently," because the guide-book had already
+fooled us once--about the distance from Allerheiligen
+to Oppenau--and for aught I knew it might be getting ready
+to fool us again.  We were only certain as to the altitudes
+--we calculated to find out for ourselves how many hours
+it is from the bottom to the top.  The summit is six
+thousand feet above the sea, but only forty-five hundred
+feet above the lake.  When we had walked half an hour,
+we were fairly into the swing and humor of the undertaking,
+so we cleared for action; that is to say, we got a boy whom
+we met to carry our alpenstocks and satchels and overcoats
+and things for us; that left us free for business.
+I suppose we must have stopped oftener to stretch out
+on the grass in the shade and take a bit of a smoke
+than this boy was used to, for presently he asked if it
+had been our idea to hire him by the job, or by the year?
+We told him he could move along if he was in a hurry.
+He said he wasn't in such a very particular hurry,
+but he wanted to get to the top while he was young.
+We told him to clear out, then, and leave the things at
+the uppermost hotel and say we should be along presently.
+He said he would secure us a hotel if he could, but if they
+were all full he would ask them to build another one
+and hurry up and get the paint and plaster dry against
+we arrived.  Still gently chaffing us, he pushed ahead,
+up the trail, and soon disappeared.  By six o'clock we
+were pretty high up in the air, and the view of lake
+and mountains had greatly grown in breadth and interest.
+We halted awhile at a little public house, where we
+had bread and cheese and a quart or two of fresh milk,
+out on the porch, with the big panorama all before us--and
+then moved on again.
+
+Ten minutes afterward we met a hot, red-faced man plunging
+down the mountain, making mighty strides, swinging his
+alpenstock ahead of him, and taking a grip on the ground
+with its iron point to support these big strides.
+He stopped, fanned himself with his hat, swabbed the
+perspiration from his face and neck with a red handkerchief,
+panted a moment or two, and asked how far to Waeggis.
+I said three hours.  He looked surprised, and said:
+
+"Why, it seems as if I could toss a biscuit into the lake
+from here, it's so close by.  Is that an inn, there?"
+
+I said it was.
+
+"Well," said he, "I can't stand another three hours,
+I've had enough today; I'll take a bed there."
+
+I asked:
+
+"Are we nearly to the top?"
+
+"Nearly to the TOP? Why, bless your soul, you haven't
+really started, yet."
+
+I said we would put up at the inn, too.  So we turned
+back and ordered a hot supper, and had quite a jolly
+evening of it with this Englishman.
+
+The German landlady gave us neat rooms and nice beds,
+and when I and my agent turned in, it was with the resolution
+to be up early and make the utmost of our first Alpine sunrise.
+But of course we were dead tired, and slept like policemen;
+so when we awoke in the morning and ran to the window it
+was already too late, because it was half past eleven.
+It was a sharp disappointment.  However, we ordered
+breakfast and told the landlady to call the Englishman,
+but she said he was already up and off at daybreak--and
+swearing like mad about something or other.  We could not
+find out what the matter was.  He had asked the landlady
+the altitude of her place above the level of the lake,
+and she told him fourteen hundred and ninety-five feet.
+That was all that was said; then he lost his temper.
+He said that between ------fools and guide-books, a man
+could acquire ignorance enough in twenty-four hours in a
+country like this to last him a year.  Harris believed
+our boy had been loading him up with misinformation;
+and this was probably the case, for his epithet described
+that boy to a dot.
+
+We got under way about the turn of noon, and pulled out
+for the summit again, with a fresh and vigorous step.
+When we had gone about two hundred yards, and stopped
+to rest, I glanced to the left while I was lighting my pipe,
+and in the distance detected a long worm of black smoke
+crawling lazily up the steep mountain.  Of course that was
+the locomotive.  We propped ourselves on our elbows at once,
+to gaze, for we had never seen a mountain railway yet.
+Presently we could make out the train.  It seemed incredible
+that that thing should creep straight up a sharp slant
+like the roof of a house--but there it was, and it was doing
+that very miracle.
+
+In the course of a couple hours we reached a fine breezy
+altitude where the little shepherd huts had big stones
+all over their roofs to hold them down to the earth when
+the great storms rage.  The country was wild and rocky
+about here, but there were plenty of trees, plenty of moss,
+and grass.
+
+Away off on the opposite shore of the lake we could
+see some villages, and now for the first time we could
+observe the real difference between their proportions
+and those of the giant mountains at whose feet they slept.
+When one is in one of those villages it seems spacious,
+and its houses seem high and not out of proportion to the
+mountain that overhands them--but from our altitude,
+what a change! The mountains were bigger and grander
+than ever, as they stood there thinking their solemn
+thoughts with their heads in the drifting clouds,
+but the villages at their feet--when the painstaking
+eye could trace them up and find them--were so reduced,
+almost invisible, and lay so flat against the ground,
+that the exactest simile I can devise is to compare
+them to ant-deposits of granulated dirt overshadowed
+by the huge bulk of a cathedral.  The steamboats skimming
+along under the stupendous precipices were diminished
+by distance to the daintiest little toys, the sailboats
+and rowboats to shallops proper for fairies that keep
+house in the cups of lilies and ride to court on the backs
+of bumblebees.
+
+Presently we came upon half a dozen sheep nibbling grass
+in the spray of a stream of clear water that sprang
+from a rock wall a hundred feet high, and all at once
+our ears were startled with a melodious "Lul ...
+l ... l l l llul-lul-LAhee-o-o-o!" pealing joyously
+from a near but invisible source, and recognized that we
+were hearing for the first time the famous Alpine JODEL
+in its own native wilds.  And we recognized, also,
+that it was that sort of quaint commingling of baritone
+and falsetto which at home we call "Tyrolese warbling."
+
+The jodeling (pronounced yOdling--emphasis on the O)
+continued, and was very pleasant and inspiriting to hear.
+Now the jodeler appeared--a shepherd boy of sixteen
+--and in our gladness and gratitude we gave him a franc
+to jodel some more.  So he jodeled and we listened.
+We moved on, presently, and he generously jodeled us
+out of sight.  After about fifteen minutes we came across
+another shepherd boy who was jodeling, and gave him half
+a franc to keep it up.  He also jodeled us out of sight.
+After that, we found a jodeler every ten minutes;
+we gave the first one eight cents, the second one
+six cents, the third one four, the fourth one a penny,
+contributed nothing to Nos.  5, 6, and 7, and during
+the remainder of the day hired the rest of the jodelers,
+at a franc apiece, not to jodel any more.  There is somewhat
+too much of the jodeling in the Alps.
+
+About the middle of the afternoon we passed through
+a prodigious natural gateway called the Felsenthor,
+formed by two enormous upright rocks, with a third lying
+across the top.  There was a very attractive little
+hotel close by, but our energies were not conquered yet,
+so we went on.
+
+Three hours afterward we came to the railway-track. It
+was planted straight up the mountain with the slant
+of a ladder that leans against a house, and it seemed
+to us that man would need good nerves who proposed
+to travel up it or down it either.
+
+During the latter part of the afternoon we cooled our
+roasting interiors with ice-cold water from clear streams,
+the only really satisfying water we had tasted since we
+left home, for at the hotels on the continent they
+merely give you a tumbler of ice to soak your water in,
+and that only modifies its hotness, doesn't make it cold.
+Water can only be made cold enough for summer comfort by
+being prepared in a refrigerator or a closed ice-pitcher.
+Europeans say ice-water impairs digestion.  How do they
+know?--they never drink any.
+
+At ten minutes past six we reached the Kaltbad station,
+where there is a spacious hotel with great verandas which
+command a majestic expanse of lake and mountain scenery.
+We were pretty well fagged out, now, but as we did
+not wish to miss the Alpine sunrise, we got through our
+dinner as quickly as possible and hurried off to bed.
+It was unspeakably comfortable to stretch our weary limbs
+between the cool, damp sheets.  And how we did sleep!--for
+there is no opiate like Alpine pedestrianism.
+
+In the morning we both awoke and leaped out of bed at the
+same instant and ran and stripped aside the window-curtains;
+but we suffered a bitter disappointment again: it
+was already half past three in the afternoon.
+
+We dressed sullenly and in ill spirits, each accusing
+the other of oversleeping.  Harris said if we had brought
+the courier along, as we ought to have done, we should
+not have missed these sunrises.  I said he knew very well
+that one of us would have to sit up and wake the courier;
+and I added that we were having trouble enough to take
+care of ourselves, on this climb, without having to take
+care of a courier besides.
+
+During breakfast our spirits came up a little, since we
+found by this guide-book that in the hotels on the summit
+the tourist is not left to trust to luck for his sunrise,
+but is roused betimes by a man who goes through the halls
+with a great Alpine horn, blowing blasts that would
+raise the dead.  And there was another consoling thing:
+the guide-book said that up there on the summit the guests
+did not wait to dress much, but seized a red bed blanket
+and sailed out arrayed like an Indian.  This was good;
+this would be romantic; two hundred and fifty people
+grouped on the windy summit, with their hair flying and
+their red blankets flapping, in the solemn presence of the
+coming sun, would be a striking and memorable spectacle.
+So it was good luck, not ill luck, that we had missed
+those other sunrises.
+
+We were informed by the guide-book that we were now
+3,228 feet above the level of the lake--therefore
+full two-thirds of our journey had been accomplished.
+We got away at a quarter past four, P.M.; a hundred yards
+above the hotel the railway divided; one track went
+straight up the steep hill, the other one turned square
+off to the right, with a very slight grade.  We took
+the latter, and followed it more than a mile, turned a
+rocky corner, and came in sight of a handsome new hotel.
+If we had gone on, we should have arrived at the summit,
+but Harris preferred to ask a lot of questions--as usual,
+of a man who didn't know anything--and he told us to go
+back and follow the other route.  We did so.  We could ill
+afford this loss of time.
+
+We climbed and climbed; and we kept on climbing; we reached about
+forty summits, but there was always another one just ahead.
+It came on to rain, and it rained in dead earnest.
+We were soaked through and it was bitter cold.  Next a
+smoky fog of clouds covered the whole region densely,
+and we took to the railway-ties to keep from getting lost.
+Sometimes we slopped along in a narrow path on the left-hand
+side of the track, but by and by when the fog blew as aside
+a little and we saw that we were treading the rampart
+of a precipice and that our left elbows were projecting
+over a perfectly boundless and bottomless vacancy,
+we gasped, and jumped for the ties again.
+
+The night shut down, dark and drizzly and cold.
+About eight in the evening the fog lifted and showed us
+a well-worn path which led up a very steep rise to the left.
+We took it, and as soon as we had got far enough from the
+railway to render the finding it again an impossibility,
+the fog shut down on us once more.
+
+We were in a bleak, unsheltered place, now, and had
+to trudge right along, in order to keep warm, though we
+rather expected to go over a precipice, sooner or later.
+About nine o'clock we made an important discovery
+--that we were not in any path.  We groped around a while
+on our hands and knees, but we could not find it;
+so we sat down in the mud and the wet scant grass to wait.
+
+We were terrified into this by being suddenly confronted
+with a vast body which showed itself vaguely for an instant
+and in the next instant was smothered in the fog again.
+It was really the hotel we were after, monstrously magnified
+by the fog, but we took it for the face of a precipice,
+and decided not to try to claw up it.
+
+We sat there an hour, with chattering teeth and quivering bodies,
+and quarreled over all sorts of trifles, but gave most
+of our attention to abusing each other for the stupidity
+of deserting the railway-track. We sat with our backs
+to the precipice, because what little wind there was
+came from that quarter.  At some time or other the fog
+thinned a little; we did not know when, for we were facing
+the empty universe and the thinness could not show;
+but at last Harris happened to look around, and there stood
+a huge, dim, spectral hotel where the precipice had been.
+One could faintly discern the windows and chimneys,
+and a dull blur of lights.  Our first emotion was deep,
+unutterable gratitude, our next was a foolish rage,
+born of the suspicion that possibly the hotel had been
+visible three-quarters of an hour while we sat there
+in those cold puddles quarreling.
+
+Yes, it was the Rigi-Kulm hotel--the one that occupies
+the extreme summit, and whose remote little sparkle
+of lights we had often seen glinting high aloft among
+the stars from our balcony away down yonder in Lucerne.
+The crusty portier and the crusty clerks gave us the surly
+reception which their kind deal out in prosperous times,
+but by mollifying them with an extra display of obsequiousness
+and servility we finally got them to show us to the room
+which our boy had engaged for us.
+
+We got into some dry clothing, and while our supper was
+preparing we loafed forsakenly through a couple of vast
+cavernous drawing-rooms, one of which had a stove in it.
+This stove was in a corner, and densely walled around
+with people.  We could not get near the fire, so we moved
+at large in the artic spaces, among a multitude of people
+who sat silent, smileless, forlorn, and shivering--thinking
+what fools they were to come, perhaps.  There were some
+Americans and some Germans, but one could see that the
+great majority were English.
+
+We lounged into an apartment where there was a great crowd,
+to see what was going on.  It was a memento-magazine.
+The tourists were eagerly buying all sorts and styles of
+paper-cutters, marked "Souvenir of the Rigi," with handles
+made of the little curved horn of the ostensible chamois;
+there were all manner of wooden goblets and such things,
+similarly marked.  I was going to buy a paper-cutter, but I
+believed I could remember the cold comfort of the Rigi-Kulm
+without it, so I smothered the impulse.
+
+Supper warmed us, and we went immediately to bed--but first,
+as Mr. Baedeker requests all tourists to call his attention
+to any errors which they may find in his guide-books, I
+dropped him a line to inform him he missed it by just
+about three days.  I had previously informed him of his
+mistake about the distance from Allerheiligen to Oppenau,
+and had also informed the Ordnance Depart of the German
+government of the same error in the imperial maps.
+I will add, here, that I never got any answer to those letters,
+or any thanks from either of those sources; and, what is still
+more discourteous, these corrections have not been made,
+either in the maps or the guide-books. But I will write
+again when I get time, for my letters may have miscarried.
+
+We curled up in the clammy beds, and went to sleep without
+rocking.
+We were so sodden with fatigue that we never stirred nor
+turned over till the blooming blasts of the Alpine horn
+aroused us.  It may well be imagined that we did not lose
+any time.  We snatched on a few odds and ends of clothing,
+cocooned ourselves in the proper red blankets, and plunged
+along the halls and out into the whistling wind bareheaded.
+We saw a tall wooden scaffolding on the very peak
+of the summit, a hundred yards away, and made for it.
+We rushed up the stairs to the top of this scaffolding,
+and stood there, above the vast outlying world, with hair
+flying and ruddy blankets waving and cracking in the fierce
+breeze.
+
+"Fifteen minutes too late, at last!" said Harris,
+in a vexed voice.  "The sun is clear above the horizon."
+
+"No matter," I said, "it is a most magnificent spectacle,
+and we will see it do the rest of its rising anyway."
+
+In a moment we were deeply absorbed in the marvel before us,
+and dead to everything else.  The great cloud-barred disk
+of the sun stood just above a limitless expanse of tossing
+white-caps--so to speak--a billowy chaos of massy mountain
+domes and peaks draped in imperishable snow, and flooded
+with an opaline glory of changing and dissolving splendors,
+while through rifts in a black cloud-bank above the sun,
+radiating lances of diamond dust shot to the zenith.
+The cloven valleys of the lower world swam in a tinted
+mist which veiled the ruggedness of their crags and ribs
+and ragged forests, and turned all the forbidding region
+into a soft and rich and sensuous paradise.
+
+We could not speak.  We could hardly breathe.
+We could only gaze in drunken ecstasy and drink in it.
+Presently Harris exclaimed:
+
+"Why--nation, it's going DOWN!"
+
+Perfectly true.  We had missed the MORNING hornblow,
+and slept all day.  This was stupefying.
+
+Harris said:
+
+"Look here, the sun isn't the spectacle--it's US--stacked
+up here on top of this gallows, in these idiotic blankets,
+and two hundred and fifty well-dressed men and women down
+here gawking up at us and not caring a straw whether the sun
+rises or sets, as long as they've got such a ridiculous
+spectacle as this to set down in their memorandum-books.
+They seem to be laughing their ribs loose, and there's
+one girl there at appears to be going all to pieces.
+I never saw such a man as you before.  I think you are
+the very last possibility in the way of an ass."
+
+"What have _I_ done?" I answered, with heat.
+
+"What have you done? You've got up at half past seven
+o'clock in the evening to see the sun rise, that's what
+you've done."
+
+"And have you done any better, I'd like to know? I've
+always used to get up with the lark, till I came under
+the petrifying influence of your turgid intellect."
+
+"YOU used to get up with the lark--Oh, no doubt
+--you'll get up with the hangman one of these days.
+But you ought to be ashamed to be jawing here like this,
+in a red blanket, on a forty-foot scaffold on top
+of the Alps.  And no end of people down here to boot;
+this isn't any place for an exhibition of temper."
+
+And so the customary quarrel went on.  When the sun
+was fairly down, we slipped back to the hotel in the
+charitable gloaming, and went to bed again.  We had
+encountered the horn-blower on the way, and he had tried
+to collect compensation, not only for announcing the sunset,
+which we did see, but for the sunrise, which we had
+totally missed; but we said no, we only took our solar
+rations on the "European plan"--pay for what you get.
+He promised to make us hear his horn in the morning,
+if we were alive.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of A Tramp Abroad, Part 4
+by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
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