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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/5749.txt b/5749.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ff6617f --- /dev/null +++ b/5749.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7428 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Comedies, by Ludvig Holberg + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Comedies + +Author: Ludvig Holberg + +Release Date: May, 2004 [EBook #5749] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on August 23, 2002] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK COMEDIES *** + + + + +Produced by Nicole Apostola, Charles Franks +and the Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + +COMEDIES BY HOLBERG + +JEPPE OF THE HILL, THE POLITICAL TINKER, ERASMUS MONTANUS + +TRANSLATED FROM THE DANISH BY + +OSCAR JAMES CAMPBELL, JR., PH.D. + +Assistant Professor of English in the University of Wisconsin + +AND + +FREDERIC SCHENCK, B. LITT. OXON. + +Instructor in English in Harvard University + +WITH AN INTRODUCTION BY OSCAR JAMES CAMPBELL, JR. + +NEW YORK + +1914 + + + + + + +INTRODUCTION + + + + + +Ludvig Holberg is generally considered the most remarkable of Danish +writers. Though he produced books on international law, finance, and +history, as well as satires, biographies, and moral essays, he is +chiefly celebrated for his comedies, which still--nearly two hundred +years after then composition--delight large audiences in Denmark, +and bid fair to be immortal. These comedies were the fruit of the +author's actual experience; they are closely related to his other +works and reflect the range and diversity of his pursuits. To +understand fully Holberg's creations, one must first become +acquainted with the events of his life. + +Ludvig Holberg was born in Bergen, December 3, 1684, of good +parentage on both sides. His mother was a granddaughter of a +distinguished bishop, and his father an army officer who had risen +from the ranks by personal merit. Bergen had long been a +trading-post of the Hanseatic League, and in the seventeenth centurv +was distinctly cosmopolitan in character. Perhaps as a result of his +environment, Holberg seemed early to have acquired a desire to +travel. In any case, he devoted most of the years of his young +manhood to seeing the woild. + +In 1704, shortly after receiving his degree at the University of +Copenhagen, he made a journey to the Netherlands. About a year +later, he went to England, where he spent more than two years, +partly in Oxford and partly in London, studying history and +absorbing new ideas. In + +1708, as the tutor of a young Danish boy, he visited Dresden, +Leipzig, and Halle. Soon after his return to Copenhagen, he obtained +a small stipend in a foundation for students, called Borch's +College, While there he wrote two historical treatises of enough +value to win him an appointment as "extraordinary" professor in the +university. Though this position gave him the right to the first +vacancy that might occur in the faculty, it did not entitle him to +any salary, and it was only through the good offices of a friend at +court that he obtained a stipend of about $150 a year for four +years, during which time he was to be a sort of travelling fellow of +the university. In the spring of 1714, Holberg, then thirty years of +age, left Copenhagen for his fourth journey abroad. + +This excursion was far more extensive and picturesque than any he +had undertaken before. He travelled first to Paris, by way of +Amsterdam and Brussels, and later to Genoa and Rome, by way of +Marseilles. Except for the necessary sea voyages, most of the +journey was made on foot. After staying in Rome for six months, +harassed the entire time by malarial fever, he turned his face +towards home. In order to escape the discomforts and perils of +travel by sea, he decided to return to Paris overland, and walked +from Rome to Florence in fourteen days. Finding his health improved +by the regular exercise, he continued on foot over the Alps to +Lyons, and subsequently to Paris and Copenhagen, where he arrived in +the autumn of 1716. Holberg had gone abroad to satisfy his keen +intellectual curiosity; he remained to study in foreign lands, and +to observe life as a philosopher and artist. Without his seemingly +aimless years of wandering, he might conceivably have become an able +historian; he could hardly have developed his brilliant talent for +satire and comedy. + +When Holberg returned home, he found no vacancy in the faculty. +While waiting in penury for the death of some professor, he wrote +one of his most successful works of scholarship, an Introduction to +International Law. At last, in December, 1717, he inherited, as it +were, the chair of metaphysics in the university, being thus forced +to begin his academic career by teaching a subject that he held in +contempt. Fortunately this situation was not permanent. In 1719, he +became professor of Latin; in the following year, a member of the +university council; later in life, professor of history, the subject +he liked best; and finally he was elected treasurer of the +corporation. Holberg was thus associated all his life with academic +pursuits. The greater part of his intellectual work was devoted to +regular university duties and to the composition of scholarly +treatises and moral essays, while the writing of the comedies that +won him permanent fame formed but a short interlude in his busy +life. He became a dramatist almost by chance. + +In 1721, some influential citizens of Copenhagen decided that the +time was ripe for establishing native drama in Denmark. A company +was formed under the direction of a cashiered French actor, +Montaigu, who obtained royal permission to bring out plays in +Danish. Holberg, having become well known by his mock-heroic poem +Peder Paars, was at once invited to furnish the company with +original comedies, and responded enthusiastically. For the next few +months he wrote with almost incredible swiftness, and by the time +the theatre was opened, on August 23, 1722, he had finished five of +his best plays, among which were Jeppe of the Hill (Jeppe paa +Bjerget) and The Political Tinker (Den politiske Kandestober). +During the six years in which the company eked out its precarious +existence, Holberg produced twenty-six comedies, most of which were +successfully performed. His literary fecundity seems the more +remarkable when it is remembered that he had no Danish models. + +The theatre was not well supported by the public. After the first +year, the receipts of an evening amounted to no more than $13, and +sometimes the actors were compelled to tell the spectators who had +gathered that they could not afford to present the play to so small +an audience. In 1728, the company was at last granted a royal +subvention of about $2500 a year by Frederick VI, and it had begun +to play under the proud title of Royal Actors, when Copenhagen was +swept by a devastating fire. The theatre itself was not destroyed, +but the town was so badly impoverished that for the moment all forms +of public amusement had to be discontinued. Furthermore, the +pietists, to whose doctrines the crown prince was a devout adherent, +asserted that the fire was God's scourge for the wickedness of +Copenhagen, the most impudent form of which, they believed, was the +drama. Before conditions in the city were enough improved to warrant +the resumption of his subsidy to the actors, the king died, on +October 12, 1730. Under the reign of his pietistic successor, +Christian VI (1730-1746), no dramatic performances of any sort were +sanctioned; the theatre building was sold at auction, the company +disbanded, and Holberg ceased writing plays. + +In the year of Christian VI's accession to the throne, Holberg was +made Professor of History at the university. Pietist though he was, +the new monarch was an enthusiastic patron of scholarship, and +during his reign Holberg devoted himself almost exclusively to +research, particularly for his History of Denmark, on which his +present reputation as an historian rests. The one important work of +pure literature that he produced at this time was his Niels Klim's +Subterranean Journey (1741), written in Latin, and published in +Leipzig to evade the Danish censor. It is an account of a series of +visits that Niels Klim pays to certain strange nations within the +hollow of the earth. Like Robinson Crusoe, its partial prototype, it +contains much pointed satire on the customs of contemporary society. +It was soon translated into most other languages of Europe, and it +is one of the very few among Holberg's works that have been put into +English in any form. + +At the death of Christian VI, in 1746, the obscurantist character of +the court immediately changed. One of the first forms of amusement +to be restored was the Danish theatre. Although Holberg had no +official connection with the actors, he seems to have agreed to +advise them about their repertory, and soon his association with the +stage revived his inteiest in dramatic composition. During the year +1751-52, he wrote six new plays, but they lacked the spirited +criticism of contemporary society which gave life to his earlier +work. They are either founded on Latin models, or are heavily +didactic plays, in which the author's humor fails under the burden +of the moral. + +The latter part of Holberg's life was spent in peace and affluence. +His interests were more and more devoted to his large estates, and +particularly to improving the conditions under which his own +peasants labored. In 1747, he was elevated to the rank of baron, +after bequeathing his estates to the crown to endow the old academy +at Soroe. He died on January 28, 1754, and was buried in the abbey +church of Soroe, beside the great Bishop Absalom. + +The plays in this volume will give a fair idea of Holberg's best +work. They are all domestic comedies of character, in which the +foibles of some one central figure are held up to ridicule, +particularly as they are revealed in his relations with a +well-defined family group. The scene in such comedies, usually the +home of a peasant or a member of the bourgeoisie, is pictured with +uncompromising realism. Holberg insisted that his audiences should +see everything that he saw. If a Danish peasant actually lay at +times in a drunken stupor on a dunghill, he saw no reason why Jeppe +should not appear on the stage in an equally disgusting condition. +If a peasant girl in life was not averse to simpering vulgarity, why +should Lisbed talk any more circumspectly to Erasmus Montanus? +Holberg, however, had none of the interest of the modern scientific +naturalist in analyses of motive and conduct. His sense of fact was, +therefore, picturesque rather than profound. Yet he never wasted his +accurate realism upon insignificant things. Vulgar facts invariably +led beyond themselves to situations of universal interest and +significance. + +"Jeppe of the Hill" is a very old story The original version is +found in the "Arabian Nights," and it has been told over and over +again. Shakespeare embodies it in "The Taming of the Shrew," and +seven other versions occur in Elizabethan literature alone. This +hackneyed farce, amplified by material from Biedermann's "Utopia," +Holberg made the vehicle of profound delineation of character Dr. +Georg Brandes says of Jeppe, "All that we should like to know of a +man when we become acquainted with him, and much more than we +usually do know of men with whom we become acquainted in real life +or in drama, we know of Jeppe. All our questions are answered." +[Footnote: "Om Ludvig Holbergs Jeppe paa Bjerget,"] We know not only +how he has lived, but even how he will meet death. Jeppe possesses +enough of the common stuff of human nature always to awaken +comprehension and delight; yet he is more than an extraordinarily +complete and convincing individual, and his story is more than an +amusing farce. Widely prevalent social conditions of a past time are +here expressed in human terms of lasting truth and vitality. In +Jeppe the peasant of the eighteenth-century Sjaelland lives for all +time. + +The Political Tinker, while it contains no such deep study of +personality as Jeppe of the Hill, is no less clearly a comedy of +character and no less obviously a good human satire. In it the +foibles of the central figure are displayed more definitely in their +relation to the rest of his family. [Footnote: The play is probably +founded upon the story of the political upholsterer which appears in +an essay of The Tatler. For a general discussion of Holberg's +relations to foreign literature, the reader is referred to The +Comedies of Holberg, by O. J. Campbell, Jr. (Harvard Studies in +Comparative Literature, vol. iii, Harvard University Press, 1914). +This is the only full treatment of Holberg in English. Ed.] "The +satire," says Holberg, in his introduction to the first published +edition of the play, "is directed against those boasters among +common people in free cities who sit in taverns and criticise the +mayor and Council; they know everything and yet nothing.... I doubt +if any one can show me a comedy more honorable and more moral.... +The comedy, besides, is not less merry than moral, for it has kept +spectators laughing from beginning to end, and for that reason, of +all my comedies, it is played with the greatest profit for those +concerned." The word "moral" as applied to this work illustrates the +somewhat unusual meaning which Holberg attaches to it. Though he is +continually at pains to speak of his "moral" comedies, it is manners +and not morals that he satirizes. He is interested, not so much in +effecting a fundamental reform in the lives of his characters, as in +giving them a little social sense. He preaches, not against distinct +moral turpitude like hypocrisy and avarice, but against inordinate +affection for lap-dogs (Melampe), pietistic objections to masked +balls {Masquerades}, and superstitious belief in legerdemain +(Witchcraft). Holberg voices the urbane humanistic spirit that +characterized the eighteenth century at its best. + +Erasmus Montanus seems at first sight a mere farce, in which the +author ridicules academic pedantry and the vapid formalism of logic +as once taught at the University of Copenhagen. But it is much more +than that. Holberg gives us a memorable series of genre paintings of +Danish life of his day, and at the same time presents a situation of +universal interest. Erasmus is a prig who has adopted some new +ideas, not so much from righteous conviction as from the feeling +that they will give him intellectual caste. His revolutionary +theories raise an uproar in the village. Each apostle of the old +order opposes them in his characteristic way, and Erasmus has not +enough real faith within himself to prevail against the combined +attacks of the Philistines; he renounces with oaths the assertions +that the world is round. Still, there is nothing tragic in his +renunciation, for we feel that he is as great a fool as any one in +the play. Erasmus Montanus is a pure comedy, in which the author's +humor plays freely upon all the figures in the drama; and it is just +because the characters rather than the action absorb our interest +that we do not regard it as a farce. Professor Vilhelm Andersen +correctly described it as a "Danish culture-comedy of universal +significance." + +Holberg is often called the Danish Moliere. It is true that he +learned many lessons of technique from the great trench +dramatist, and borrowed freely and often from his work; but he +differs from Moliere both in the quality of his humor and in the +spirit that animates his critical view of life. He might as justly +be called the Danish Plautus, or the Danish Spectator. The truth is, +not only that Holberg possessed a profoundly original comic spirit, +but also that his work is clearly related to many dramatic and +literary traditions besides those of French comedy, notably to the +commedia dell'arte, and the essays of The Tatler and The Spectator. +Out of these various and diverse elements, nevertheless, he +contrived to construct dramas at once original and national. + +In a large sense, Holberg's comedies arc closely related to the rest +of his work. His treatises, histories, essays, satires, and comedies +are all diverse expressions of one definite purpose. Holberg's early +life and natural cosmopolitan interests made him a citizen of +eighteenth-century Europe, as a whole, and he strove steadily to +bear the intellectual light of that urbane age to his native +country, then backward in culture. Holberg--professor, scholar, and +philosopher--seized with avidity the opportunity to write comedy, +not from a desire to display his own versatility, or from an +absorbing devotion to the drama as a form of art, but because he +believed that through his plays he could fulfil most completely what +he conceived to be his intellectual mission. + +OSCAR JAMES CAMPBELL, JR. + +May 20, 1914 + + + + + + +JEPPE OF THE HILL OR THE TRANSFORMED PEASANT [JEPPE PAA BIERGET] + +A COMEDY IN FIVE ACTS 1722 + + + + + +DRAMATIS PERSONAE + +JEPPE OF THE HILL, a peasant. + +NILLE, his wife. + +JACOB SHOEMAKER, an innkeeper. + +BARON NILUS, lord of the district. + +Secretary to the Baron. + +ERIC, a lackey. + +A Valet. + +MAGNUS, the village gossip. + +A Judge, two Lawyers, two Doctors, a Bailiff and his Wife, Lackeys, +Retainers, and others. + +ACTS I, IV, AND V + +SCENE: A village road; on the left, Jeppe's house; on the right, +Jacob Shoemaker's inn. The court in Act IV is held in the open, and +a tree is used for the gallows in Act V. + +ACT II + +A bedroom in the Baron's castle. + +ACT III + +Dining-room in the same. + + + +ACT I + +SCENE I + + +(Nille, alone.) + +NILLE. I hardly believe there's such another lazy lout in all the +village as my husband, it's as much as I can do to get him up in the +morning by pulling him out of bed by the hair. The scoundrel knows +to-day is market-day, and yet he lies there asleep at this hour of +the morning. The pastor said to me the other day, "Nille, you are +much too hard on your husband; he is and he ought to be the master +of the house." But I answered him, "No, my good pastor! If I should +let my husband have his way in the household for a year, the gentry +wouldn't get their rent nor the pastor his offering, for in that +length of time he would turn all there was in the place into drink. +Ought I let a man rule the household who is perfectly ready to sell +his belongings and wife and children and even himself for brandy?" +The pastor had nothing to say to that, but stood there stroking his +chin. The bailiff agrees with me, and says, "My dear woman, pay no +attention to the pastor. It's in the wedding-service, to be sure, +that you must honor and obey your husband, but it's in your lease, +which is more recent than the service, that you shall keep up your +farm and meet your rent--a thing you can never do unless you haul +your husband about by the hair every day and beat him to his work." + +I pulled him out of bed just now and went out to the barn to see how +things were getting along, when I came in again, he was sitting on a +chair, asleep, with his breeches--saving your presence--pulled on +one leg; so the switch had to come down from the hook, and my good +Jeppe got a basting till he was wide awake again. The only thing he +is afraid of is "Master Eric," as I call the switch. Hey, Jeppe, you +cur, haven't you got into your clothes yet? Would you like to talk +to Master Eric some more? Hey, Jeppe! Come in here! + + + +SCENE 2 + + +(Enter Jeppe.) + +JEPPE. I've got to have time to get dressed, Nille! I can't go to +town like a hog without my breeches or my jacket. + +NILLE. Scurvy-neck! Haven't you had time to put on ten pairs of +breeches since I waked you this morning? + +JEPPE. Have you put away Master Eric, Nille? + +NILLE. Yes, I have, but I know mighty well where to find him again, +if you don't step lively. Come here!--See how he crawls.--Come here! +You must go to town and buy me two pounds of soft soap, here's the +money for it. But see here, if you're not back on this very spot +inside of four hours, Master Eric will dance the polka on your back. + +JEPPE. How can I walk four leagues in four hours, Nille? + +NILLE. Who said anything about walking, you cuckold? You run. I've +said my say once for all, now do as you like. [Exit Nille.] + + + +SCENE 3 + + +JEPPE. Now the sow's going in to eat her breakfast, while I, poor +devil, must walk four leagues without bite or sup. Could any man +have such a damnable wife as I have? I honestly think she's own +cousin to Lucifer. Folks in the village say that Jeppe drinks, but +they don't say why Jeppe drinks: I didn't get as many blows in all +the ten years I was in the militia as I get in one day from my +malicious wife. She beats me, the bailiff drives me to work as if I +were an animal, and the deacon makes a cuckold of me. Haven't I good +reason to drink? Don't I have to use the means nature gives us to +drive away our troubles? If I were a dolt, I shouldn't take it to +heart so, and I shouldn't drink so much, either; but it's a +well-known fact that I am an intelligent man; so I feel such things +more than others would, and that's why I have to drink. My neighbor +Moens Christoffersen often says to me, speaking as my good friend, +"May the devil gnaw your fat belly, Jeppe! You must hit back, if you +want your old woman to behave." But I can't do anything to protect +myself, for three reasons: in the the first place, because I haven't +any courage; in the second, because of that damned Master Eric +hanging behind the bed, which my back can't think of without +blubbering; and thirdly, because I am, if I do say it who shouldn't, +a meek soul and a good Christian, who never tries to revenge +himself, even on the deacon who puts one horn on me after another. I +put my mite in the plate for him on the three holy-days, although he +hasn't the decency to give me so much as one mug of ale all the year +round. Nothing ever wounded me more deeply than the cutting speech +he made me last year: I was telling how once a savage bull, that had +never been afraid of any man, took fright at the sight of me; and he +answered, "Don't you see how that happened, Jeppe? The bull saw that +you had bigger horns than he, so he didn't think it prudent to lock +horns with his superior." I call you to witness, good people, if +such words would not pierce an honorable man to the marrow of his +bones. Still, I am so gentle that I have never even wished my wife +dead. On the contrary, when she lay sick of a jaundice last year, I +hoped she might live; for as hell is already full of bad women, +Lucifer might send her back again, and then she'd be worse than +ever. But if the deacon should die, I should be glad, for my own +sake and for others' as well, for he does me nothing but evil and is +no use to the parish. He's an ignorant devil, for he can't sing a +note, much less mould a decent wax candle. Oh, but his predecessor, +Christoffer, was a different sort of fellow. He had such a voice in +his time that he sang down twelve deacons in the Credo. Once I +started to quarrel openly with the deacon, when Nille herself heard +him call me a cuckold. I said, "May the devil be your cuckold, +deacon!" But what good did it do? Master Eric came right down off +the wall to stop the quarrel, and my back got such a drubbing that I +had to ask the deacon's leave to thank him, that he, as a +well-educated man, should do such an honor to our house. Since that +time I haven't thought of making any opposition. Yes, yes, Moens +Christoffersen! You and the other peasants can very well talk, +because your wives haven't any Master Eric hanging behind the bed. +If I had one wish in the world, it would be either that my wife had +no arms, or that I had no back. She may use her mouth as much as she +pleases. But I must stop at Jacob Shoemaker's on the way--he'll +surely let me have a pennyworth of brandy on credit--for I must have +something to quench my thirst. Hey, Jacob Shoemaker! Are you up yet? +Open the door, Jacob! + + + +SCENE 4 + + +(Enter Jacob Shoemaker, in his shirt.) + +JACOB. Who the dickens wants to get in so early? + +JEPPE. Good morning to you, Jacob Shoemaker. + +JACOB. Thank you, Jeppe! You are up and about bright and early +to-day. + +JEPPE. Let us have a pennyworth of brandy, Jacob! + +JACOB. With all my heart, when you show me the penny. + +JEPPE. I'll give it to you when I come back here tomorrow. + +JACOB. Jacob Shoemaker doesn't give credit, I know you must have a +penny or two about you to pay with. + +JEPPE. Honestly, Jacob, I have nothing but what my wife gave me to +spend in town for her. + +JACOB. You can easily beat them down a few pence on what you buy. +What is it you're to get her? + +JEPPE. I have to buy two pounds of soft soap. + +JACOB. Why, can't you tell her the soap cost a penny or two more +than you give for it? + +JEPPE. I'm so afraid my wife would find out about it, and then I'd +be in trouble. + +JACOB. Nonsense! How could she find out? Can't you swear that you +paid out all the money? You're as stupid as an ox. + +JEPPE. That's true, Jacob! I can do that well enough. + +JACOB. Out with your penny. + +JEPPE. Here you are, but you must give me a penny change. + +JACOB (coming in with the glass; drinks to him). Your health, Jeppe! + +JEPPE. What a lot you take, you rogue! + +JACOB. Oh, yes, but it's the custom for the host to drink his +guest's health. + +JEPPE. I know it is, but bad luck to the man that started the +custom. Your health, Jacob! + +JACOB. Thanks, Jeppe! You'll drink the other pennyworth next, so +there's no use your troubling about change. Or do you want a glass +to your credit when you come again? For I give you my word I haven't +any change. + +JEPPE. I'm damned if I do! If it's got to be spent, it might as well +be spent now, so that I can feel I have something under my belt; but +if you drink any of it, I won't pay. + +JACOB. Your health! + +JEPPE. God save our friends and ill befall our enemies. That does my +belly good. Um-m-m. + +JACOB. Good luck on your way, Jeppe. + +JEPPE. Thanks, Jacob Shoemaker. (Exit Jacob.) + + + +SCENE 5 + + +(Jeppe feels happy and begins to sing.) + +A white hen and a speckled hen +Got into a row with a rooster-- + +Oh, if I only dared drink another pennyworth! Oh, if I only dared +drink another pennyworth! I think I'll do it. No, ill will come of +it. If I could once get the inn out of my sight, I shouldn't need +to; but it's as if some one were holding me back. I've got to go in +again. But what is this you are doing, Jeppe? I seem to see Nille +standing in my path with Master Eric in her hand. I must turn round +again. Oh, if I only dared drink another pennyworth! My belly says, +"Do it;" my back, "Don't." Which shall I obey? Isn't my belly bigger +than my back? I think it is. Shall I knock? Hey, Jacob Shoemaker, +come out here! But that cursed woman comes before my eyes again. If +she only didn't break the bones of my back when she beats me, I'd +let her go to the devil, but she lays on like ... Oh, God help me, +miserable creature! What shall I do? Control your nature, Jeppe! +Isn't it a shame to get into trouble for a paltry glass of brandy? +No, I shan't do it this time; I must go on. Oh, if I only dared +drink another pennyworth! It was my undoing that I got a taste of +it; now I can't get away from it. Go on, legs! May the devil split +you if you don't! Marry, the rogues won't budge. They want to go +back to the inn. My limbs wage war on each other: my belly and my +legs want to go to the inn, and my back wants to go to town. Will +you go on, you dogs! you beasts! you scurvy wretches! The devil take +them, they will go back to the inn; I have more trouble getting my +own legs away from the inn than I have getting my piebald horse out +of the stable. Oh, if I only dared drink another pennyworth! Who +knows but Jacob Shoemaker might trust me for a penny or two, if I +begged enough? Hey, Jacob! Another twopenny glass of brandy! + + + +SCENE 6 + + +(Enter Jacob) + +JACOB. Hello, Jeppe! back again? I thought you had had too little. +What good is a farthing's worth of brandy? That's hardly enough to +wet your whistle. + +JEPPE. That's so, Jacob! I'll spend another farthing! (Aside.) Once +I've got it down, he'll have to trust me whether he wants to or not. + +JACOB. Here's your farthing's worth of brandy, Jeppe, but money +first. + +JEPPE. You certainly can trust me while I'm drinking, as the proverb +says. + +JACOB. We don't give credit on proverbs, Jeppe! If you don't pay up, +you won't get a drop; we have sworn off trusting any one, even the +bailiff himself. + +JEPPE (weeping). Can't you really trust me? I'm an honest man. + +JACOB. No credit. + +JEPPE. Here's your twopence, then, you beggar! Now it's done, drink, +Jeppe! Oh, that goes to the right spot. + +JACOB. It certainly does warm a man's insides. + +JEPPE. The best thing about brandy is that it gives you courage. Now +I don't think any more about my wife or Master Eric, I've been so +changed by that last glass. Do you know this song, Jacob? + + Heir Peder and Kirsten sat at the table, Peteheia! + Said all the bad words that they were able, Polemeia! + In summer the happy starlings sing, Peteheia! + May devil take Nille, the dirty thing, Polemeia! + One day I went out upon the grass, Peteheia! + The deacon, he is a hangman's ass, Polemeia! + On my dappled horse I ride to the east, Peteheia! + The deacon, he is a nasty beast, Polemeia! + If you would know my wife's real name, Peteheia! + I'll tell you: it is Lust and Shame, Polemeia! + +I made up that song myself, Jacob! + +JACOB. The devil you did! + +JEPPE. Jeppe's not as dull as you think: I've also made up a song +about shoemakers, which goes like this: + +The shoemaker sits with his big bass viol, Philepom, Philepom! + +JACOB. You poor fool, that's about a fiddler. + +JEPPE. So it is. See here, Jacob! Give me twopence worth more of +brandy. + +JACOB. All right; I see you're a good fellow; you don't grudge +spending a penny or two in my house. + +JEPPE. Hey, Jacob! make it fourpence. + +JACOB. Certainly. + +JEPPE. (singing again). + + The earth drinks water, + The sea drinks sun, + The sun drinks sea, + Everything on earth drinks; + Why not me? + +JACOB. Your health, Jeppe! + +JEPPE. Mir zu! + +JACOB. Here's to you in half of it! + +JEPPE. Ich tank you, Jacob. Drink, man, and the devil take you and +welcome! + +JACOB. I see that you can talk German. + +JEPPE. Yes, I have for a long time, but I don't like to except when +I'm full. + +JACOB. Then you must speak it at least once a day. + +JEPPE. I was ten years m the militia, don't you think I ought to +understand the language? + +JACOB. I know, Jeppe! We were in the same company for two years. + +JEPPE. So we were; I remember it now. You were hanged once when you +ran away at Vissmar. + +JACOB. I was going to be hanged, but I was pardoned. A miss is as +good as a mile. + +JEPPE. It's too bad you weren't hanged, Jacob! But weren't you with +us at the auction on the heath--you know the one? + +JACOB. Why, where wasn't I with you? + +JEPPE. I never shall forget the first salt the Swedes made. I think +3000 men--or even 4000--fell all at once. Das ging fordeviled zu, +Jacob! Du kannst das wohl rememberen. Ich kan nicht deny dass ich +bange war at dat battle. + +JACOB: Yes, yes, death is hard to face; a man always feels pious +when he goes against the enemy. + +Jeppe. Yes, that's so. I don't know how it happens. For I spent the +whole night before the auction reading the Qualms of David. + +JACOB. I wonder that you, who have been a soldier, should let +yourself be browbeaten by your wife. + +JEPPE. I? If I only could have her here now, you'd see how I should +drub her! Another glass, Jacob! I still have eightpence, and when +that's all drunk up I shall drink on credit. Give me a mug of ale, +too. (Sings.) + + In Leipzig war ein Mann, + In Leipzig war ein Mann, + In Leipzig war ein lederner Mann, + In Leipzig war ein lederner Mann, + In Leipzig war ein Mann. + + Der Mann sie nahm ein Frau-- + +JACOB. Your health, Jeppe! + +JEPPE. Hey! he--y! he--y! + + Here's to you, and here's to me, + And here's to all the company! + +JACOB. Won't you drink the bailiff's health? + +JEPPE. Sure enough; give me credit for another penny-worth. The +bailiff is an honest man; when we slip a rix-dollar into his fist, +he'll swear to his lordship that we can't pay our rent. Now I'm a +villain if I have any more money; you must trust me for a farthing +or two. + +JACOB. No, Jeppe, you can't stand any more now. I'm not the kind of +man to let his patrons force themselves to drink more than is good +for them. I'd rather lose my trade than do that. It would be a sin. + +JEPPE. Just another farthing's worth! + +JACOB. No, Jeppe, you can't have any more. Just think what a long +way you have to walk. + +JEPPE. Cur! Carrion! Beast! Scoundrel! Hey, hey, h--e--y! + +JACOB. Good-bye, Jeppe! Good luck to you! + +[Exit Jacob.] + + + +SCENE 7 + + +JEPPE. Oh, Jeppe, you are as full as a beast! My legs don't want to +carry me. Will you stand still, you carrion? Let's see, what time is +it? Hey, Jacob, you dog of a shoemaker! I want another drink. Will +you stay still, you dogs! May the devil take me if they will keep +quiet. Thank you, Jacob Shoemaker! I'll have another. Listen, +friend! which way does the road to town go? Stand still, I say! See, +the brute is full. You drank like a rogue, Jacob! Is that a +farthing's worth of brandy ... You pour like a Turk. (As he speaks, +he falls and lies on the ground.) + + + +SCENE 8 + + +(Enter Baron Nilus, Secretary, Valet, Eric, and another Lackey.) + +BARON. It looks as if we were going to have a good harvest this +year; see how thick that barley is growing. + +SECRETARY. True, my lord, but that means that a barrel of barley +won't bring more than five marks this year. + +BARON. That makes no difference. The peasants are always better off +in good seasons. + +SECRETARY. I don't know how that may be, my lord, but the peasants +always complain and ask for seed-corn, no matter whether the year is +fruitful or not. When they have something, they drink so much the +more. There is an inn-keeper who lives near here, called Jacob +Shoemaker, who helps a good deal to keep the peasants poor; they say +he puts salt in his ale to make them thirsty so they will drink +more. + +BARON. We shall have to drive the fellow out. But what is that lying +in the road? It must be a dead man. One hears of nothing but +misfortune nowadays. Run and see what it is, one of you! + +LACKEY. That is Jeppe of the Hill, whose wife is such a terror. Get +up, Jeppe! No, he wouldn't wake even if we pummelled him and pulled +his hair. + +BARON. Let him be, then. I want to play a little joke on him. You +are usually full of ingenious ideas. Can't you think of something to +divert me? + +SECRETARY. I think it would be good fun to tie a paper collar round +his neck, or else cut off his hair. + +VALET. I think it would be more amusing to smear his face with ink +and then send some one to see how his wife takes it when he comes +home in that condition. + +BARON. That's not bad. But what do you wager that Eric won't hit on +something better still? Let's hear your suggestion, Eric. + +ERIC. My idea is that we take off all his clothes and put him in my +lord's best bed, and in the morning when he wakes, all of us treat +him as if he were the lord of the domain, so he won't know how he +has got so transformed. And when we have convinced him that he is +the baron, we can get him drunk again, as he is now, and lay him on +the same dunghill in his own old clothes. If all this is skilfully +carried out, it will work wonderfully, and he will imagine that he +had dreamt of his good fortune, or has actually been in paradise. + +BARON. Eric, you're a big man and therefore you have big ideas. But +what if we should wake him in the process? + +ERIC. I'm sure we shalln't do that, my lord! for this same Jeppe is +one of the heaviest sleepers in the whole district. Last year they +tried setting off a rocket under his head, but when the rocket went +off he never even stirred in his sleep. + +BARON. Then let us do it. Drag him right off, put a fine shirt on +him, and lay him in my best bed. + + + +ACT II + +SCENE I + + +(Jeppe is lying in the baron's bed with a cloth-of-gold +dressing-gown on a chair beside him. He wakes up, ruts his eyes, +looks about, and becomes frightened; he rubs them again, puts a hand +to his head, and finds a gold-embroidered nightcap on it; he +moistens his fingers and wipes out his eyes, then rubs them again, +turns the nightcap around and looks at it, looks at the fine shirt +he is wearing, at the dressing-gown and the other fine things in the +room, making strange faces. Meanwhile, soft music begins to play, +and Jeppe clasps his hands and weeps. When the music stops, he +speaks.) + +JEPPE. What is all this? What splendor! How did I get here? Am I +dreaming, or am I awake? I certainly am awake. Where is my wife, +where are my children, where is my house, and where is Jeppe? +Everything is changed, and I am, too--Oh, what does it all mean? +What does it mean? (He calls softly in a frightened voice.) Nille! +Nille! Nille!--I think I'm in heaven--Nille!--and I don't +deserve to be a bit. But is this myself? I think it is, and then I +think it isn't. When I feel my back, which is still sore from the +last beating I got, when I hear myself speak, when I stick my tongue +in my hollow tooth, I think it is myself. But when I look at my +nightcap, my shirt, and all the splendor before my eyes, when I hear +the delicious music, then the devil split me if I can get it through +my head that it is myself. No, it is not me, I'm a thousand times a +low dog if it is. But am I not dreaming? I don't think I am. I'll +try and pinch my arm; if it doesn't hurt, I'm dreaming. Yes, I feel +it; I'm awake, sure enough; no one could argue that, because if I +weren't awake, I couldn't... But how can I be awake, now that I come +to think it over? There is no question that I am Jeppe of the Hill; +I know that I'm a poor peasant, a bumpkin, a scoundrel, a cuckold, a +hungry louse, a maggot, a lump of carrion; then how can I be an +emperor and lord of a castle? No, it's nothing but a dream. So I'd +better be calm and wait till I wake up. [The music strikes up again +and Jeppe bursts into tears.] Oh, can a man hear things like that in +his sleep? It's impossible. But if it's a dream, I hope I may never +wake, and if I am crazy, I hope I may never be sane again; I'd sue +the doctor that cured me, and curse the man that waked me. But I'm +neither dreaming nor crazy, for I can remember everything that has +happened to me: I remember that my blessed father was Niels of the +Hill, my grandfather Jeppe of the Hill; my wife's name is Nille; her +switch is Master Eric; my sons are Hans, Christoffer, and Niels. +I've got it! I know what it is; this is the other life, this is +paradise, this is heaven. I must have drunk myself to death +yesterday at Jacob Shoemaker's, and when I died I went straight to +heaven. Death can't be as hard to go through as they make out, for I +don't feel a thing. Now, perhaps the pastor is standing this very +minute in the pulpit delivering a funeral sermon over me, and is +saying, "So ended Jeppe of the Hill. He lived like a soldier, and he +died like a soldier." There might be some doubt as to whether I died +on land or on sea, for I was easily half-seas-over when I left the +world. Oh, Jeppe! how different this is from walking four leagues to +town for soap, lying on straw, being beaten by your wife, and having +horns put on you by the deacon. Oh, to what delights are your +troubles and your bitter days now turned! Oh, I'm ready to weep for +joy, particularly when I think how all this has happened to me +without my deserving it! But one thing bothers me, and that is that +I'm so thirsty that my lips are sticking together. If I wanted to be +alive again, it would be just so I could get a mug of ale to quench +my thirst, for what good is all this finery to my eyes and ears, if +I'm going to die all over again of thirst? I remember, the priest +often said that man neither hungers nor thirsts in heaven, and also +that a man finds all his friends there. But I'm ready to faint with +thirst, and I'm all alone--I don't see a soul: I should at least +find my grandfather, who was such a fine man that he didn't owe his +lordship a penny when he died. I'm sure lots of people have lived as +good lives as I have; so why should I be the only one to go to +heaven? Then it can't be heaven. But what can it be? I'm not asleep, +I'm not awake, I'm not dead, I'm not alive, I'm not crazy, I'm not +sane, I am Jeppe of the Hill, I'm not Jeppe of the Hill, I'm poor, +I'm rich, I'm a miserable peasant, I'm an emperor. O--o--o--! Help! +Help! Help! (He roars loudly.) + + + +SCENE 2 + + +(Enter the Valet, Eric, and others who have been watching his +behavior from the doorway.) + +VALET. I wish his lordship a very good morning. Here is the +dressing-gown, if his lordship wishes to rise. Eric! run for the +towel and basin. + +JEPPE. Oh, worthy chamberlain! I will gladly get up, but I beg of +you, don't hurt me. + +VALET. God forbid that we should harm his lordship! + +JEPPE. Oh, before you kill me, would you do me the kindness of +telling me who I am? + +VALET. Does not your lordship know who he is? + +JEPPE. Yesterday I was Jeppe of the Hill, but to-day--Oh, I don't +know what to say. + +VALET. We are glad that his lordship is in such good humor to-day as +to deign to jest. But, God help us, why does my lord weep? + +JEPPE. I'm not your lordship. I can take my oath on it, for, as far +as I can remember, I am Jeppe Nielsen of the Hill, and one of the +baron's peasants. If you will send for my wife, she'll bear witness +to it, but don't let her bring Master Eric along. + +ERIC. This is strange. What is the matter? Perhaps my lord is not +awake, for he is not accustomed to joke like this. + +JEPPE. Whether I am awake or not, I can't say, but I do know and can +say that I am one of my lord's peasants, who is called Jeppe of the +Hill, and I never have been a baron nor a count in all my life. + +VALET. Eric! what can this mean? I am afraid my lord has been taken +ill. + +ERIC. I imagine he is walking in his sleep, for it often happens +that people get out of bed, dress, talk, eat, and drink--all while +they are still asleep. + +VALET. No, Eric! I think that his lordship is having hallucinations +brought on by an illness, run quickly and fetch some doctors. (Exit +Eric.) Oh, my lord, pray drive such thoughts from your head. His +lordship will otherwise strike fear into the whole household. Does +not my lord know me? + +JEPPE. I don't even know myself, so how should I know you? + +VALET. Is it possible that I should hear such words from my gracious +lord's mouth and see him in such a plight! Alas, our unlucky house, +to be plagued with an evil spell! Does not my lord remember what he +did yesterday, when he went out hunting? + +JEPPE. I have never done any hunting or poaching, for I know that's +a thing that will get a man hard labor; no living soul can prove +that I ever hunted as much as a hare in my lord's woods. + +VALET. Why, my gracious lord, I was out hunting with you myself +yesterday. + +JEPPE. Yesterday I was at Jacob Shoemaker's, and I drank twelve +pennyworth of brandy, so how could I have been hunting? + +VALET. Oh, I beg his gracious lordship on my bare knees to stop +talking such nonsense. Eric! have the doctors been sent for? + +ERIC. Yes, they are coming immediately. + +VALET. Then let us put on his lordship's dressing-gown, for perhaps +he might feel better if we took him out into the open air. Will my +lord be so good as to put on his dressing-gown? + +JEPPE. With all my heart. You may do what you like with me, so long +as you don't kill me, for I am as innocent as a babe unborn. + + + +SCENE 3 + + +(Enter Eric with two Doctors.) + +FIRST DOCTOR. We hear with the greatest sorrow that his lordship is +indisposed. + +VALET. Yes, Doctor. He is in a serious condition. + +SECOND DOCTOR. How are you feeling, gracious lord? + +JEPPE. Splendidly, except that I'm a little thirsty from the brandy +I drank at Jacob Shoemaker's yesterday. If some one would only give +me a mug of ale and let me go, why then they might hang you and all +the rest of the doctors, for I need no medicine. + +FIRST DOCTOR. I call that pure hallucination, my good colleague! + +SECOND DOCTOR. The more violent it is, the quicker it will spend its +rage. Let us feel your lordship's pulse. Quid tibi videtur, Domine +Frater? + +FIRST DOCTOR. I think he should be bled immediately. + +SECOND DOCTOR. I do not agree with you; such remarkable weakness +must be treated otherwise. My lord has had a strange and forbidding +dream, which has caused a commotion in his blood and has set his +brain in such a whirl that he imagines himself to be a peasant. We +must endeavor to divert his lordship with those things in which he +usually takes the greatest pleasure. Give him the wines and the +dishes that he likes best, and play the music that it pleases him +most to hear. (Cheerful music strikes up.) + +VALET. Is not this my lord's favorite piece? + +JEPPE. Like enough. Is there always such merrymaking here in the +manor? + +VALET. Whenever his lordship pleases, for he gives us all our board +and wages. + +JEPPE. But it is strange I can't remember the things I have done +before. + +SECOND DOCTOR. It is the result of this illness, your lordship, that +one forgets all he has done previous to it. I remember, a few years +ago, one of my neighbors became so confused after drinking heavily +that for two days he thought he had no head. + +JEPPE. I wish Squire Christoffer would do that; he must have an +illness that works just the other way, for he thinks he has a great +big head, while he really hasn't got one at all, as any one can tell +from his decisions. (All laugh.) + +SECOND DOCTOR. It is a great pleasure to us to hear his lordship +jest. But to return to my story, this fellow went all over the town +asking people if they had found the head he had lost; he recovered, +however, and is now a sexton in Jutland. + +JEPPE. He could be that even if he hadn't found his head. (All laugh +again.) + +FIRST DOCTOR. Does my honored colleague remember the case that +occurred ten years ago, of the man who thought his head was full of +flies? He could not get over the notion, no matter how much they +argued with him, until a clever doctor cured him in this way: he put +on his head a plaster which was covered with dead flies, and after a +while took it off and showed the flies on it to the patient, who +thought they had been drawn out of his head, and was immediately +well again. + +I also have heard of another man who, after a long fever, got the +idea that if he made water the country would suffer from a flood. No +one could make him think otherwise; he said he was willing to die +for the common good. This is how he was cured: a message was sent to +him, supposedly from the commandant, saying that the town was +threatened with a siege and there was no water in the moat, and +asking him to fill it to keep the enemy out. The patient was +delighted to be able to save both his fatherland and himself; so he +got rid of his water and of his sickness both at once. + +SECOND DOCTOR. I recall another case that occurred in Germany. A +nobleman came to an inn, and when he had dined and wanted to go to +bed, he hung the gold chain which he wore round his neck on a nail +in the wall of the bedroom. The innkeeper took careful note of this +as he followed him to bed and wished him good-night. When he thought +that the nobleman was asleep, he stole into the room, cut sixty +links out of the chain, and hung it up again. The guest got up in +the morning, had his horse saddled, and put on his clothes. But when +he came to put on the chain, he noticed that it had lost half its +length, and began to call out that he had been robbed. The host, who +was watching outside the door, ran in, putting on an expression of +the greatest consternation, and exclaimed, "Oh, what a terrible +transformation!" When the guest asked him what he meant by that, he +said, "Alas, my lord! your head is as big again as it was +yesterday." Then the host brought him a distorting mirror, which +made everything appear twice as big as it really was. When the +nobleman saw how big his head looked in the mirror, he burst into +tears and said, "Oh, now I see why my chain will not go on!" +Whereupon he mounted his horse, wrapping his head in his cloak, that +none might see it on the road. They say that he kept the house for +several days, unable to get over the idea that it was not the chain +that had grown too short, but his head that had grown too big. + +FIRST DOCTOR. There are countless examples of such illusions. I also +remember hearing of a man who imagined his nose was ten feet long, +and warned every one he met not to come too near. + +SECOND FATHER. Domine Frater has undoubtedly heard the story of the +man who thought he was dead? A young person got it into his head +that he was dead, and consequently laid himself out on a bier, and +would neither eat nor drink. His friends endeavored to show him the +absurdity of his conduct and tried every means of making him eat, +but in vain, for he merely dismissed them with scorn, asserting that +it was contrary to all rule for the dead to eat and drink. At last +an experienced physician undertook to cure him by this unusual +method: He got a servant to pretend that he too was dead, and had +him laid out in the same place with the patient. For a long time the +two lay and looked at each other. After a while the patient began to +ask the other man what he was doing there, and he answered that he +was dead. Then they began to question each other as to how they had +died, and both explained in full. Later, some people who had been +instructed what to do came and brought the second man his supper, +whereupon he sat up in his coffin and ate a hearty meal, saying to +the other, "Aren't you going to eat pretty soon?" The sick man +pondered over this, and asked if it was proper for a dead man to +eat, and was answered that if he did not eat soon, he could not stay +dead very long. He therefore allowed himself to be persuaded first +to eat with the other man, subsequently to sleep, get up, dress,--in +fact, in all matters copy the other, until finally he came to life +and regained his senses. + +I could give innumerable other examples of such odd illusions. That +is just what has happened in this case to make his gracious lordship +think that he is a poor peasant. But if my lord will get the notion +out of his head, he will speedily be himself again. + +JEPPE. But can it be only illusion? + +FIRST DOCTOR. Certainly; my lord has heard from these stories what +illusions can do. + +JEPPE. Am I not Jeppe of the Hill? + +FIRST DOCTOR. Certainly not. + +JEPPE. Isn't that wicked Nille my wife? + +FIRST DOCTOR. By no means, for my lord is a widower. + +JEPPE. Is it pure illusion that she has a switch called Master Eric? + +FIRST DOCTOR. Pure illusion. + +JEPPE. Isn't it true either that I was to go to town yesterday and +buy soap? + +FIRST DOCTOR. No. + +JEPPE. Nor that I drank up the money at Jacob Shoemaker's? + +VALET. Why, your lordship was with us out hunting all day yesterday. + +JEPPE. Nor that I am a cuckold? + +VALET. Why, her ladyship has been dead for years. + +JEPPE. I'm beginning to realize my own stupidity. I won't think +about the peasant any more; I see that it was a dream that led me +into my delusion. It certainly is wonderful how men get such ideas. + +VALET. Does my lord wish to walk in the garden for a time while we +make ready his breakfast? + +JEPPE. Very well; but hurry up, for I am both hungry and thirsty. + + + +ACT III + +SCENE I + + +(Jeppe comes in from the garden with his suite. A small table is +set.) + +JEPPE. Ah, ha! I see that the table is all set. + +VALET. Yes, everything is ready when his lordship wishes to be +seated. + +(Jeppe sits down. The others stand behind his chair and laugh at his +bad manners when he sticks all five fingers in the dish, belches, +and blows his nose with his fingers and wipes them on his clothes.) + +VALET. Will my lord order what wine he desires? + +JEPPE. You know yourself what wine I usually drink in the morning. + +VALET. Here is Rhine-wine, which my lord usually drinks. But if this +doesn't suit his lordship's taste, he can have something else +immediately. + +JEPPE. That's a little too sour. Put some mead in it, and it will be +all right; I am for sweet things. + +VALET. Here is some port-wine, if my lord would like to taste it. + +Jeppe. That's fine wine. Shout, all of you! (Each time he drinks, +trumpets blow.) Hurry up, lad! another glass of pork-wine. Do you +understand?--Where did you get that ring on your finger? + +SECRETARY. My lord gave it to me himself. + +JEPPE. I don't remember it; give it back to me. I must have been +drunk when I did it. A man doesn't give away rings like that for +nothing. Later on I'll look into things and see what else you've got +away with. Servants ought not to get anything more than board and +wages. I can swear I don't remember making you any special present; +why should I? That ring must be worth more than ten rix-dollars. No, +no, my good fellows! That won't do at all. You must not take +advantage of your master's feebleness and drunkenness. When I'm +drunk, I'm perfectly ready to give away my breeches; but when I have +slept off my liquor, I take back my gifts. Otherwise I should get +into trouble with Nille, my old woman. But what am I saying? I am +falling back into my mad notions again and don't realize who I am. +Give me another glass of pork-wine. More noise! (Trumpets.) Pay +attention to what I say, lads. I want you to understand that after +this, if I give anything away in the evening when I'm drunk and you +don't bring it back in the morning, you will have to answer for it. +When servants are given more than they can eat, they get proud and +turn up their noses at the master. What wages do you get? + +SECRETARY. My lord has heretofore given me two hundred rix-dollars a +year. + +JEPPE. The devil a two hundred you get after this! What do you do to +earn two hundred rix-dollars? I myself have to slave like a beast, +and be on my feet in the hay loft from morning till night, and can +scarcely--See how I come back to my cursed peasant notions. Give me +another glass of wine. (He drinks; trumpets blow again.) Two hundred +rix-dollars! Why, that's pulling the very hide off your master. +Listen, do you know what, you good lads? When I have dined, I have a +good mind to hang half you fellows here on the estate. You'll find +out that I am not to be trifled with in money matters. + +VALET. We will give back all that we have received from his +lordship. + +JEPPE. Yes, yes, "his lordship" this, "his lordship" that! We get +compliments and ceremonies cheap enough nowadays. You want to +flatter me with "his lordship" until you've got all my money away +from me and you are the lordships yourselves. Your mouths say "his +lordship," but your hearts say "his foolship." You don't say what +you mean, my lads. You servants are like Abner when he came and +greeted Roland, saying, "Hail, brother," and so saying thrust a +dagger into his heart. Take my word for it, Jeppe is no fool. (They +all fall on their knees and beg for mercy.) Get up, lads! Wait till +I have finished eating. Then I shall see how it works out and decide +which of you deserve to be hanged and which don't. For the present I +shall make merry. + + + +SCENE 2 + + +JEPPE. Where is my bailiff? + +VALET. He is waiting outside. + +JEPPE. Tell him to come in immediately. + +[Enter the Bailiff in a coat with silver buttons and a sword-belt +over his shoulder.] + +BAILIFF. Has his lordship any orders? + +JEPPE. Only that you are to be hanged. + +BAILIFF. I have surely done no wrong, my lord! Why should I be +hanged? + +JEPPE. Are you not the bailiff? + +BAILIFF. Yes, indeed, your lordship. + +JEPPE. And yet you ask why you should be hanged? + +BAILIFF. I have served your lordship so honestly and faithfully and +have been so diligent in my office that your lordship has always +praised me more than any other of his servants. + +JEPPE. Indeed, you have been diligent in your office, as your solid +silver buttons plainly show. What wages do you get? + +BAILIFF. Fifty rix-dollars a year. + +JEPPE [gets up and walks to and fro]. Fifty? You surely shall be +hanged. + +BAILIFF. It couldn't well be less, my lord, for a whole year's hard +work. + +JEPPE. That's just the reason you are to be hanged--because you +only get fifty rix-dollars. You have money enough for a coat with +silver buttons, frills at your wrists, and a silk queue for your +hair--and all on fifty rix-dollars a year. If you didn't rob me, +poor man, where else could you get it? + +BAILIFF [on his knees]. Oh, gracious lord! For the sake of my +unfortunate wife and innocent children, spare me! + +JEPPE. Have you many children? + +BAILIFF. Seven children living, my lord. + +JEPPE. Ha! Ha! Seven children living! Have him hanged immediately, +Sectary. + +SECRETARY. Oh, gracious lord, I am no hangman. + +JEPPE. If you're not, you can soon learn to be. You look fit for any +trade. And when you have hanged him, I shall have you hanged +yourself. + +BAILIFF. Oh, gracious lord, is there no reprieve? + +JEPPE [walks to and fro, sits down, drinks, and gets up again]. Half +a hundred rix-dollars, a wife and seven children. If no one else +will hang you, I'll do it myself. I know what sort you are, you +bailiffs! I know how you have cheated me and other miserable +peasants--Oh, there come those damned peasant illusions into my head +again. I meant to say, that I know your games and your goings-on so +well, I could be a bailiff myself if I had to. You get the cream off +the milk, and your master gets dung, to speak modestly. I really +think that if the world keeps on, the bailiffs will all be noblemen +and the noblemen all bailiffs. When a peasant slips something into +your hand or your wife's, here is what your master is told: "The +poor man is willing and industrious enough, but certain misfortunes +have befallen him which make it impossible for him to pay: he has a +poor piece of land, his cattle have got the scab,"--or something +like that,--and with such babble your master has to let himself be +cheated. Take my word for it, lad! I'm not going to let myself be +fooled in that way, for I'm a peasant and a peasant's son +myself--see how that illusion keeps cropping up! I was about to say +that I am a peasant's son myself, for Abraham and Eve, our first +parents, were tillers of the soil. + +SECRETARY [on his knees]. Oh, gracious lord! Pray take pity on him +for the sake of his unfortunate wife; for how can she live if he is +not there to feed her and the children? + +JEPPE. Who says they should live either? We can string them up along +with him. + +SECRETARY. Oh, my lord! she is such a lovely, beautiful woman. + +JEPPE. So? Perhaps you are her lover, seeing you feel so badly about +her. Send her here. + + + +SCENE 3 + + +[Enter Bailiff's wife; she kisses Jeppe's band.] + +JEPPE. Are you the bailiff's wife? + +WIFE. Yes, your lordship, I am. + +JEPPE [takes her by the breasts]. You are pretty. Would you like to +sleep with me to-night? + +WIFE. My lord has only to command, for I am his servant. + +JEPPE [to the Bailiff]. Do you consent to my lying with your wife +to-night? + +BAILIFF. I thank his lordship for doing my humble house the honor. + +JEPPE. Here! Bring her a chair; she shall eat with me. [She sits at +the table, and eats and drinks with him. He becomes jealous of the +Secretary.] You'll get into trouble, if you look at her like that. +[Whenever he looks at the Secretary, the Secretary takes his eyes +off the woman and gazes at the floor. Jeppe sings an old love-ballad +as he sits at the table with her. He orders a polka to be played and +dances with her, but he is so drunk that he falls down three times, +and finally lies where he falls and goes to sleep.] + + + +SCENE 4 + + +(Enter the Baron and Eric.) + +BARON. He is sound asleep. Now we have played our game, but we have +nearly been made the bigger fools ourselves, for he intended to +tyrannize over us, so that we must either have spoiled our trick, or +else have let ourselves be mauled by the rude yokel, from whose +conduct one can learn how haughty and overbearing such people become +when they suddenly rise from the mire to a station of worth and +honor. If I had, in an unlucky moment, impersonated a secretary +myself, I might have got a thrashing, and the whole affair would +have been a failure, for people would have laughed more at me than +at the peasant. We had better let him sleep awhile before we put him +back into his dirty farm clothes again. + +ERIC. Why, my lord, he is sleeping like a log; look, I can pound him +and he doesn't feel it. + +BARON. Take him out, then, and complete our little comedy. + + + +ACT IV + +SCENE 1 + + +[Jeppe is lying on a dungheap in his old peasant clothes. He wakes +and calls out.] + +JEPPE. Hey, Sectary, Valet, Lackeys! another glass of pork-wine! [He +looks about him, rubs his eyes as before, feels his head, and finds +his old broad-brimmed hat on it; rubs his eyes again, turns the hat +over and over, looks at his clothes, recognizes himself again, and +begins to talk.] How long was Abraham in paradise? Now, alas, I +recognize everything again--my bed, my jacket, my old cuckold-hat, +myself; this is different, Jeppe, from drinking pork-wine out of a +gilt-edged glass, and sitting at a table with lackeys and a sectary +behind my chair. Good fortune, worse luck, never lasts very long. +Oh, that I, who such a short time ago was "my lord," should now find +myself in such a miserable plight, with my fine bed turned into a +dungheap, my gold-embroidered cap changed into my old cuckold-hat, +my lackeys into pigs, and I myself from "my lord" to a wretched +peasant once more! I thought when I woke up again I should find my +fingers covered with gold rings, but, saving your presence, they're +covered with something very different. I thought I should be calling +servants to account, but now I must get my back ready for my +home-coming, when I shall have to give an account of my own doings. +I thought that when I woke up I should reach out and grasp a glass +of pork-wine, but instead, to speak modestly, I get a handful of +dung. Alas, Jeppe, your sojourn in paradise was pretty short, and +your happiness came quickly to an end. But who knows that the same +thing might not happen again if I were to lie down for a while? Oh, +if it only would! Oh, if I could get back there again! [Lies down +and goes to sleep.] + + + +SCENE 2 + + +[Enter Nille.] + +NILLE. I wonder if anything has happened to him? What could it be? +Either the devil has taken him, or, what I fear more, he's sitting +at an inn drinking up the money. I was a goose to trust the drunkard +with twelve pence at once. But what do I see? Isn't that himself +lying there in the filth and snoring? Oh, miserable mortal that I +am, to have such a beast for a husband! Your back will pay dearly +for this! [She steals up to him and gives him a whack on the rump +with Master Eric.] + +JEPPE. Hey, hey! Help, help! What is that? Where am I? Who am I? Who +is beating me? and why? Hey! + +NILLE. I'll teach you what it is soon enough. [Beats him and pulls +his hair.] + +JEPPE. Oh, dear Nille, don't beat me any more; you don't know all +that has happened to me. + +NILLE. Where have you been all this time, you guzzler? Where is the +soap you were to buy? + +JEPPE. I couldn't get to town, Nille. + +NILLE. Why not? + +JEPPE. I was taken up to paradise on the way. + +NILLE. To paradise! [Hits him.] To paradise. [Hits him again.] Are +you going to make sport of me into the bargain? + +JEPPE. O--o--o--! As true as I'm an honest man, it's so! + +NILLE. What's so? + +JEPPE. That I have been in paradise. [Nille repeats "in paradise," +hitting him each time.] Oh, Nille, dear, don't beat me! + +NILLE. Quick, confess where you've been, or I'll trounce the life +out of you. + +JEPPE. Oh, I'll confess, if you won't beat me any more. + +NILLE. Go on, confess. + +JEPPE. Swear not to beat me? + +NILLE. No. + +JEPPE. As true as I'm an honest man called Jeppe of the Hill, as +sure as that's true, I have been in paradise and have seen things +that it will stun you to hear of. + +[Nille beats him again and drags him into the house by the hair.] + + + +SCENE 3 + + +[Enter Nille.] + +NILLE. Now, then, you drunken hound! Sleep off your liquor first; +then we shall have more to say about it. Such swine as you don't go +to paradise! Think of it, the beast has drunk himself clean out of +his wits. But if he did it at my expense, then he'll do heavy +penance for it; he shan't get a thing to eat or drink for two whole +days. By that time he'll get over his notions about paradise. + + + +SCENE 4 + + +(Enter three armed men.) + +FIRST MAN. Does a man named Jeppe live here? + +NILLE. Yes, he does. + +FIRST MAN. Are you his wife? + +NILLE. Yes, God help me, so much the worse for me. + +FIRST MAN. We must go in and talk with him. + +NILLE. He's dead drunk. + +FIRST MAN. That makes no difference; fetch him out or the whole +household will suffer. + +[Nille goes in, and pushes Jeppe out so hard that he knocks over one +of the men and rolls on the ground with him.] + + + +SCENE 5 + + +JEPPE. Now, good friends, you see what a wife I have to put up with. + +FIRST MAN. You deserve no better, for you're a malefactor. + +JEPPE. What have I done now? + +FIRST MAN. You'll see when justice takes its course. + + + +SCENE 6 + + +(Enter the Judge, followed by two Lawyers. He sits down. Jeppe, his +hands tied behind him, is brought to the bar. One of his captors +steps forward.) + +FIRST MAN. Here is a man, your honor, whom we can swear to have seen +sneaking into the baron's house, where he posed as his lordship, put +on his clothes, and tyrannized over the servants. As this is a piece +of unheard-of impudence, we demand on behalf of his lordship that it +be punished with such severity that it shall serve as an example and +a warning to other evil-doers. + +JUDGE. Is this accusation true? Speak out whatever you may have to +say in answer to it, for we do not wish to convict any one unheard. + +JEPPE. Alas, what a God-forsaken man I am! What can I say? I admit I +deserve punishment, but only for the money I squandered on drink +instead of buying soap with it. I also admit that I have recently +been in the castle, but how I got there and how I got out again, I +haven't the least idea. + +FIRST LAWYER. Your honor has it on his own admission: he got drunk +and in his drunkenness committed this unheard-of outrage. All that +remains is to decide whether the guilt of such a gross misdeed can +be held devoid of criminal intent because of intoxication. I argue +that it cannot, for if it could, neither fornication nor murder +could be punished, for every criminal could seek that escape and +assert that he had committed his crime while intoxicated. And +although he can prove that he was drunk, his case is none the +stronger, for the law is: What a man does under the influence of +drink he shall answer for when sober. It is well known that in a +recent case of the same nature the misdeed was punished, although +the criminal was led into passing himself off as a lord through his +own simplicity; his ignorance and foolishness could not save him +from death. The penalty is imposed purely as a warning to others. I +would tell the circumstances, were it not that I fear to delay +justice thereby. + +SECOND LAWYER. Your honor! This story appears so remarkable to me +that I cannot accept it without the testimony of several witnesses. +How could a simple peasant get into his lord's house and impersonate +his lordship unless he could imitate his very form and features? How +could he get into the lord's bedroom, how could he put on his +clothes, without any one being aware of it? No, your honor, one can +plainly see that this is the outcome of a conspiracy on the part of +this poor man's enemies. I hope, therefore, that he may be +discharged. + +JEPPE [weeping]. God bless your mouth. I have a bit of tobacco in my +breeches pocket which perhaps you won't refuse; it's good enough for +any honorable man to chew. + +SECOND LAWYER. Keep your tobacco, Jeppe! I speak for you not in the +hope of receiving gifts, but merely from Christian charity. + +JEPPE. Pardon me, Master Attorney! I didn't know you folks were so +honorable. + +FIRST LAWYER. What my colleague advances in favor of this man's +acquittal is based entirely on conjecture. The question is not +whether such a thing could happen or not, because that it did happen +is proved both by witnesses and by the man's own confession. + +SECOND LAWYER. What a man says from fear and awe has no weight as a +confession. It seems to me, therefore, that it is best to give the +simple fellow time to collect his wits, then question him over +again. + +JUDGE. Listen, Jeppe! Be careful what you say. Do you admit the +charges against you? + +JEPPE. No; I will swear my most sacred oath that it's all lies that +I swore to before; I haven't been outside my door for the last three +days. + +FIRST LAWYER. Your honor, it is my humble opinion that he should not +be allowed to testify on a matter already established by witnesses, +particularly inasmuch as he has already confessed his misdeed. + +SECOND LAWYER. I think he should. + +FIRST LAWYER. I think he should not. + +SECOND LAWYER. The case is of so unusual a nature-- + +FIRST LAWYER. That does not affect witnesses and a confession. + +JEPPE. Oh, if they would only go for each other's throats, then I +could set upon the judge and give him such a beating he would forget +both law and procedure. + +SECOND LAWYER. But listen, worthy colleague! Although the deed is +confessed, the man has deserved no punishment, for he did no murder +nor robbery nor harm of any kind while on the premises. + +FIRST LAWYER. That makes no difference! Intentio furandi is the same +as furtum. + +JEPPE. Talk Danish, you black hound! Then I can answer for myself. + +FIRST LAWYER. For when a man is taken, whether he was about to steal +or had already stolen, he is a thief. + +JEPPE. Gracious judge! I am perfectly willing to be hanged if that +attorney can be hanged alongside of me. + +SECOND LAWYER. Stop talking like that, Jeppe! You are merely +injuring your own case. + +JEPPE. Then why don't you answer him? [Aside.] He stands like a dumb +beast. + +SECOND LAWYER. But wherein is proof of furandi propositum? + +FIRST LAWYER. Quicunque; in aedes alienas noctu irrumpit tanquam fur +aut nocturnus grassator existimandus est; atqui reus hic ita, ergo-- + +SECOND LAWYER. Nego majorem, quod scilicet irruperit. + +FIRST LAWYER. Res manifesta est, tot legitimis testibus +existantibus, ac confitente reo. + +SECOND LAWYER. Quicunque; vi vel metu coactus fuerit confiteri-- + +FIRST LAWYER. Oh, but where is the vis? Where is the metus? That is +a quibble. + +SECOND LAWYER. You're the one that quibbles. + +FIRST LAWYER. No honorable man shall accuse me of that. + +(They grab each other by the throat, and Jeppe jumps behind them and +pulls off the First Lawyer's wig.) + +JUDGE. Respect for the law! Stop, I have heard enough. [Reads +aloud.] Inasmuch as Jeppe of the Hill, son of Niels of the Hill, +grandson of Jeppe of the same, has been proved both by legal +evidence and by his own confession to have introduced himself by +stealth into the Baron's castle, to have put on his clothes and +maltreated his servants; he is sentenced to be put to death by +poison, and when he is dead, his body to be hanged on a gallows. + +JEPPE. Oh, oh, your honor! Have you no mercy? + +JUDGE. None is possible. The sentence shall be carried out forthwith +in the presence of the court. + +JEPPE. May I have a glass of brandy first, before I drink the +poison, so I can die with courage? + +JUDGE. That is permissible. + +JEPPE [drinks off three glasses of brandy, and falls on his knees]. +Will you not have mercy? + +JUDGE. No, Jeppe! It is now too late. + +JEPPE. Oh, it's not too late. A judge can reverse his decision and +say he judged wrong the first time. We're all merely men, so we're +all likely to make mistakes. + +JUDGE. No; you yourself will feel in a few minutes that it is too +late, for you have already drunk the poison in the brandy. + +JEPPE. Alas, what an unfortunate man I am! Have I taken the poison +already? Oh, farewell, Nille! But the beast doesn't deserve that I +should take leave of her. Farewell, Jens, Niels, and Christoffer! +Farewell, my daughter Marthe! Farewell, apple of my eye! I know I am +your father because you were born before that deacon came around, +and you take after me so we're like as two drops of water. Farewell, +my piebald horse, and thank you for all the times I have ridden you; +next to my own children I never loved any animal as I love you. +Farewell, Feierfax, my good watchdog! Farewell, Moens, my black cat! +Farewell, my oxen, my sheep, my pigs, and thank you for your good +company and for every day I have known you!... Farewell,... Oh, now +I can say no more, I feel so heavy and so weak. [He falls, and lies +on the floor.] + +JUDGE. That worked well; the sleeping-potion has already taken +effect, and he is sleeping like a log. Hang him up now, but be +careful not to hurt him, and see that the rope goes only under his +arms. Then we shall see what he does when he wakes up and finds +himself hanging. + +[They drag him out. + + + +ACT V + +SCENE 1 + + +(Jeppe is discovered hanging from a gallows. The Judge stands aside, +unseen by Nille.) + +NILLE. Oh, oh, can it be that I see my good husband hanging on the +gallows? Oh, my dearest husband! Forgive me all the wrong I have +done you. Oh, now my conscience is roused; now I repent, but too +late, for the ill nature I showed you; now that I miss you, for the +first time I can realize what a good husband I have lost. Oh, that I +could only save you from death with my own life's blood. + +[She wipes her eyes, and weeps bitterly. Meanwhile the effects of +the sleeping-potion have worn off, and Jeppe wakes. He sees that be +is hanging on the gallows, and that his hands are tied behind him, +and he hears his wife's laments.] + +JEPPE. Be calm, my dear wife, we must all go the same way. Go home +and look after the house and take good care of my children. You can +have my red jacket made over for little Christoffer, and what's left +will do for a cap for Marthe. Above all, see to it that my piebald +horse is well cared for, for I loved that beast as if he had been my +own brother. If I weren't dead, I'd have more to say to you. + +NILLE. O--o--o--! What is that? What do I hear? Can a dead man talk? + +JEPPE. Don't be afraid, Nille, I shan't hurt you. + +NILLE. But, my dearest husband, how can you talk when you're dead? + +JEPPE. I don't know myself how it happens. But listen, my dear wife! +Run like wildfire and bring me eightpence worth of brandy, for I am +thirstier now than I ever was when I was alive. + +NILLE. Shame, you beast! You scoundrel! You hopeless drunkard! +Haven't you drunk enough brandy in your living lifetime? Are you +still thirsty, you sot, now that you are dead? I call that being a +full-blown hog. + +JEPPE. Shut your mouth, you scum of the earth! and run for the +brandy. If you don't, devil take me if I don't haunt you in the +house every night. You shall soon find out that I am not afraid of +Master Eric any more, for now I can't feel a beating. + +[Nille runs home after Master Eric, comes out again, and beats him +as be hangs.] + +JEPPE. Ow, ow, ow! Stop it, Nille, stop! You'll kill me all over +again. Ow! ow! ow! + +THE JUDGE [coming forward]. Listen, my good woman! You must not beat +him any more. Be reassured; for your sake we will pardon your +husband's transgression, and furthermore sentence him back to life +again. + +NILLE. No, no, good sir! Let him hang, for he's not worth letting +live. + +JUDGE. Fie, you are a wicked woman; away with you, or we shall have +you hanged alongside of him. + +[Nille runs away. + + + +SCENE 2 + + +(Enter the Judge's servants, who take Jeppe down from the gallows.) + +JEPPE. Oh, kind judge, am I surely all alive again, or am I +spooking? + +JUDGE. You are quite alive, for the law that can take away a man's +life can also give it back again. Can you not comprehend that? + +JEPPE. No, indeed, I can't get it through my head, but I keep on +thinking I'm a ghost, and am spooking. + +JUDGE. Foolish fellow! It's perfectly easy to understand. He who +takes a thing away from you can give it back again. + +JEPPE. Then may I try it and hang the judge just for fun to see if I +can sentence him back to life again? + +JUDGE. No, that won't work, because you're not a judge. + +JEPPE. But am I really alive again? + +JUDGE. Yes, you are. + +JEPPE. Then I'm not just a spook? + +JUDGE. Certainly not. + +JEPPE. I'm not a ghost at all? + +JUDGE. No. + +JEPPE. Am I the same Jeppe of the Hill as I was before? + +JUDGE. Yes. + +JEPPE. I'm no mere spirit? + +JUDGE. No, certainly not. + +JEPPE. Will you give me your oath that's true? + +JUDGE. Yes, I swear to it; you're alive. + +JEPPE. Swear that the devil may split you if it's not so. JUDGE. +Come, take our word for it, and thank us for so graciously +sentencing you back to life again. + +JEPPE. If you hadn't hanged me yourselves, I would gladly thank you +for taking me down from the gallows. + +JUDGE. Be satisfied, Jeppe! Tell us if your good wife beats you too +often, and we shall find a remedy. Here are four rix-dollars with +which you can make merry for a while, and don't forget to drink our +health. + +[Jeppe kisses his hand and thanks him.] + +[Exit Judge, followed by his servants. + + + +SCENE 3 + + +JEPPE. Now I've lived half a hundred years, but in all that time I +haven't had so much happen to me as in these two days. It is a devil +of a story, now that I come to think of it: one hour a drunken +peasant, the next a baron, then another hour a peasant again; now +dead, now alive on a gallows, which is the most wonderful of all. +Perhaps it is that when they hang living people they die, and when +they hang dead people they come to life again. It seems to me that, +after all, a glass of brandy would taste magnificent. Hey, Jacob +Shoemaker! Come out here! + + + +SCENE 4 + + +[Enter Jacob Shoemaker.] + +JACOB. Welcome back from town! Did you get the soap for your wife? + +JEPPE. You scoundrel! You shall soon find out what sort of people +you're talking to. Take off your cap, for you're no more than +carrion compared to the likes of me. + +JACOB. I wouldn't stand such words from any one else, Jeppe, but as +you bring the house a good penny a day, I don't mind it so much. + +JEPPE. Take off your cap, I say, you cobbler! + +JACOB. What's happened to you on the way to make you so lofty? + +JEPPE. I would have you know that I've been hanged since I saw you +last. + +JACOB. There's nothing so splendid about that. I don't grudge you +your luck. But listen, Jeppe: where you drink your liquor, there you +pour out the dregs; you have gone and got full somewhere else, and +now you come here to do your brawling. + +JEPPE. Quick, take off your cap, scoundrel! Don't you hear what +jingles in my pocket? + +JACOB (his cap under his arm). Heavens, man, where did you get the +money? + +JEPPE. From my barony, Jacob. I will tell you all that's happened to +me; but get me a glass of mead, for I'm much too high and mighty to +drink Danish brandy. + +JACOB. Your health, Jeppe! + +JEPPE. Now I shall tell you all that's happened to me: When I left +you, I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was a baron, and got drunk all +over again on pork-wine. I woke up on a dungheap and went to sleep +again, hoping to sleep myself back to my baron's estate. I found it +doesn't always work, for my wife woke me up again with Master Eric +and pulled me home by the hair, not showing the least respect for +the kind of man I had been. When I got back to my room, I was thrown +out again by the neck, and found myself in the midst of a lot of +constables, who sentenced me to death and killed me with poison. +When I was dead, I was hanged; and when I was hanged, I came to life +again; and when I came to life again, I got four rix-dollars. That +is my story, but as to how it happened, I leave that to you to think +out. + +JACOB. Ha, ha, ha! It's all a dream, Jeppe! + +JEPPE. If it weren't for my four rix-dollars here, I might think it +was a dream, too. Give me another, Jacob! I shan't think about all +that rubbish any more, but get myself decently drunk. + +JACOB. Your health, my lord baron! Ha, ha, ha! + +JEPPE. Perhaps you can't grasp it, Jacob? + +JACOB. No, not if I stood on my head. + +JEPPE. It can be true for all that, Jacob! For you're a dunce, and +there are simpler things than this that you can't understand. + + + +SCENE 5 + + +[Enter Magnus.] + +MAGNUS. Ha, ha, ha! I'll tell you the damn'dest tale, about a man +called Jeppe of the Hill, who was found lying on the ground dead +drunk: they changed his clothes and put him in the best bed up at +the baron's castle, made him believe that he was the baron when he +woke up, got him full, and laid him in his own dirty clothes back on +the dungheap again, and when he came to, he thought he had been in +paradise. I nearly laughed myself to death when I heard the story +from the bailiff's men. By the Lord, I'd give a rix-dollar to see +the fool! Ha, ha, ha! + +JEPPE. What do I owe, Jacob? + +JACOB. Twelvepence. + +[Jeppe strokes his chin and goes out looking very shame-faced. + +MAGNUS. Why is that fellow in such a hurry? + +JACOB. It's the very man they played the joke on. + +MGNUS. Is that possible? I must run after him. Listen, Jeppe! Just a +word--How are things in the other world? + +JEPPE. Let me be. + +MAGNUS. Why didn't you stay longer? + +JEPPE. What business is that of yours? + +MAGNUS. Come, do tell us a little about the journey. + +JEPPE. Let me be, I say, or there'll be a calamity coming to you. + +MAGNUS. But, Jeppe, I am so anxious to know about it. + +JEPPE. Jacob Shoemaker, help! Will you let this man do me violence +in your house? + +MAGNUS. I'm not doing you any harm, Jeppe, I'm just asking you what +you saw in the other world. + +JEPPE. Hey, help, help! + +MAGNUS. Did you see any of my forefathers there? + +JEPPE. No, your forefathers must all be in the other place, where +you and all the rest of the carrion go when they die. + +[Shakes himself loose and runs away. + + + +SCENE 6, EPILOGUE + + +(Enter the Baron, his Secretary, Valet, and Lackeys.) + +BARON. Ha, ha, ha! That experiment was worth money. I never thought +it would work out so well. If you could amuse me like that more +often, Eric, you would stand even better with me than you do now. + +ERIC. No, my lord! I should not dare to play that kind of comedy +again. For if he had beaten your lordship as he threatened, it would +have turned into an ugly tragedy. + +BARON. That's very true. I was afraid of that, but I was so much +engrossed in keeping up the deception that I really think I should +have let myself be pummelled, or even let you be hanged, Eric, as he +threatened, rather than give it away. Didn't you feel the same? + +ERIC. No, indeed, my lord! It would be an odd sensation, to let +yourself be hanged for fun; that sort of fun would be too expensive. + +BARON. Why, Eric, such things happen every day: people throw away +their lives for fun in one way or another. For instance, a man has a +weak nature and sees that he is ruining his life and his health by +excessive drinking; yet he still keeps on maltreating his body and +risks his life for an evening's enjoyment. Then, again: it often +happens in Turkey that grand viziers are strangled or choked to +death with a cord the very day they are made viziers, or a few days +after; yet every one is eager to take the office, just so that he +may be hanged with a great title. Still another instance: officers +gladly risk body and soul to get a reputation for bravery, and fight +duels about anything at all even with men known to be their +superiors. I think, too, that one could find hundreds and hundreds +of men in love who for the sake of a night of pleasure would let +themselves be killed in the morning. And you see in sieges how +soldiers will desert in droves and flock to the beleaguered city, +which they know must shortly surrender, and in order to live in +luxury for one day will get themselves hanged the next. One way is +no more rational than the other. In olden times even philosophers +used to subject themselves deliberately to misfortune in order that +after their death they might be praised. Therefore, Eric, I +thoroughly believe that you would rather have allowed yourself to be +hanged than have spoiled our beautiful practical joke. + +EPILOGUE + +(Spoken by the Baron) + +Of this adventure, children, the moral is quite clear: To elevate +the lowly above their proper sphere Involves no less a peril than +rashly tumbling down The great who rise to power by deeds of just +renown. Permit the base-born yokel untutored sway to urge, The +sceptre of dominion as soon becomes a scourge. Let once despotic +power drive justice from the realm, In every peaceful hamlet a Nero +grasps the helm. Could Phalaris or Caius in days of yore have been +More merciless a tyrant than him we here have seen? Before the seat +of justice had time his warmth to feel He threatened us with +torture, the gallows, and the wheel. Nay, never shall we tremble +beneath a boor's dictates Or set a plowman over us, as oft in +ancient states--For if we sought to pattern us on follies such as +those, Each history of dominion in tyranny would close. + + + + + + +THE POLITICAL TINKER + +[DEN POLITISKE KANDESTOBER] + +A COMEDY IN FIVE ACTS + +1722-1731 + + + + + +DRAMATIS PERSONAE + +HERMAN VON BREMEN, a tinker. +GESKE, his wife. +ENGELKE, his daughter. + +HENRICH } +ANNEKE }- his servants. +PEITER } + +ANTONIUS, Engelke's lover. + +JENS, a tavern-keeper } +RICHARD, a brushmaker } Members of the +GERT, a furrier }- Collegium Politicum. +SIVERT, a baggage inspector } +FRANZ, a cutler } + +ABRAHAMS } +SANDERUS }- Practical jokers. + +MADAME ABRAHAMS. +MADAME SANDERUS. +ARIANKE, a blacksmith's wife. + +A Man pretending to be Alderman of the Hatters' Guild, Petitioners, +Women, Boys, Lackeys, and others. + +ACTS I and III + +SCENE: Hamburg. A street, showing Herman's house. + +ACTS II, IV, and V + +A room in Herman's house. + + + +ACT I + +SCENE I + + +(A Street in front of Herman von Bremen's house. Antonius is +standing before the door.) + +ANTONIUS. I swear my heart's in my mouth, for I've got to talk to +Master Herman and ask him for his daughter, to whom I've been +engaged for ever so long, but secretly. This is the third start I +have made, but each time I have turned back again. If it were not +for the disgrace of it, and the reproaches I should have to take +from my mother, it would be the same story over again. This +bashfulness of mine is an inborn weakness, and it's not easy to get +the better of it. Each time I go to knock on the door, it is as if +some one were holding back my hand. But courage, Antonius, is half +the battle! There is no help for it, you must go on. I should spruce +myself up a bit first, for they say Master Herman is getting finicky +of late. (He takes off his neck-band and ties it on again, takes a +comb from his pocket and combs his hair, and dusts his shoes.) Now, +I think I will do. This is the moment to knock. See! as sure as I'm +an honest man, it's just as if someone were holding back my hand. +Come, courage, Antonius! I know that you haven't done anything +wrong. The worst that can happen to you is a "no." (He knocks.) + + + +SCENE 2 + + +Enter Henrich, eating a sandwich. + +HENRICH. Your servant, Master Antonius. Whom do you want to see? + +ANTONIUS. I wanted to talk with Master Herman, if he was alone. + +HENRICH. Oh, yes, certainly he is alone. He is at his reading. + +ANTONIUS. Then he is more God-fearing than I am. + +HENRICH. If an ordinance were issued decreeing that the Herculus +should count as a book of sermons, I believe he could qualify as a +preacher. + +ANTONIUS. Then has he time to spare from his work for reading such +books as that? + +HENRICH. You must realize that the master has two professions: he is +both tinker and politician. + +ANTONIUS. The two don't seem to go together very well. + +HENRICH. The same idea has occurred to us. For when he does a piece +of work, which is rarely, there is such a political look to the job +that we have to do it all over again. But if you want to talk to +him, go right into the sitting-room. + +ANTONIUS. I have an important errand, Henrich, for between you and +me, I want to ask him for his daughter, whom I've been engaged to +for a long time. + +HENRICH. My word, that is an important errand, indeed. But listen, +Master Antonius, you must not take it amiss if I warn you of just +one thing: if you want your suit to prosper, you must tune up your +language and make a graceful speech, for he has become devilish +particular recently. + +ANTONIUS. No, I can't do that, Henrich! I'm a good workman, and I've +never learned to pass compliments. I can only speak out straight and +plain that I love his daughter and want her for my wife. + +HENRICH. Nothing more? Then I'll risk my neck that you don't get +her. At the very least you must start with "Whereas" or "Inasmuch." +You must realize, Master Antonius, that you have to do with a +learned man, who spends his days and nights in reading political +works, till he's on the verge of madness. The one thing that he's +found fault with lately about the people in the house is that we +have such vulgar ways with us all, and myself especially--he never +mentions me without calling me "You low, dirty rascal." A week or so +ago he swore by the devil that Mother Geske should wear an Adrienne; +still, he didn't make any headway, because mistress is an +old-fashioned God-fearing woman, who had rather lay down her life +than part with her lapelled bodice. He is always about to bring +forth something or other, the devil knows what. So if you wish to +succeed in your wooing, you had better take my advice. + +ANTONIUS. Well, on my word, I don't believe in beating about the +bush. I go straight to the point. [Exit into house. + + + +SCENE 3 + + +HENRICH. The greatest difficulty about proposing is to hit on +something to start off with. I went courting once myself, but for +two weeks I couldn't make up my mind what to say. I knew, of course, +that you ought to begin with "Whereas" or "Inasmuch," but the +trouble was that I couldn't pick out the next word to hitch on to +that "Whereas." So I didn't bother about it any longer, but went and +bought a formula for eightpence from Jacob tke schoolmaster--he +sells them for that. But it all went wrong with me, for when I got +into the middle of my speech I couldn't remember the rest of it, and +I was ashamed to pull the paper out of my pocket. I swear I could +recite the thing both before and afterwards like my paternoster; yet +when I came to use it I stuck fast. It went like this: + +"With humble wishes for your good health, I, Henrich Andersen, have +come here deliberately of my own free will and on my own initiative +to inform you that I am no more of a stock and a stone than others, +and inasmuch as every creature on earth, even the dumb brute, is +subject to love, I, unworthy as I am, have come in the name of God +and Honor to beg and urge you to be the darling of my heart--" (To +the audience) If any one will pay me back my eightpence, I will turn +the thing over to him, for I believe that any one who made such a +speech could get any good man's daughter that he had a mind to. Will +you give me sixpence, then? Honestly, I paid eightpence for it +myself. I'm damned if I sell it for less. But here comes the old +man. I must be off. [Exit. + + + +SCENE 4 + + +Enter Herman and Antonius. + +HERMAN. Many thanks, Monsieur Antonius, for your kind offer. You are +a fine worthy fellow. I feel sure that you could take good care of +my daughter. But I should very much like to have a son-in-law who +had studied his politics. + +ANTONIUS. But, my dear Monsieur Herman von Bremen, no one can +support a wife and family on that! + +HERMAN. You think not? Do you suppose I intend to die a tinker? Yon +shall see, before half a year is over. I hope, when I have read +through The European Herald, that I shall be urged to take a place +in the council. I have already got The Political Dessert at my +fingers' ends, but that is not enough. Confound the author! He might +have spun it out a little. You know the book, of course? + +ANTONIUS. No, not I. + +HERMAN. Then I will lend you my copy. It is as good as it is brief. +I have learned all my statecraft from that book, together with the +Herculus and the Herculiscus. + +ANTONIUS. That last one--isn't that just a romance? + +HERMAN. Indeed it is, and I wish the world were full of such +romances. I was at a certain place yesterday, and a man of the +foremost rank whispered in my ear: "Any one who has read that book +with understanding may fill the most important posts, ay, rule a +whole nation." + +ANTONIUS. Very good, master, but when I take to reading, I neglect +my trade. + +HERMAN. I tell you, monsieur, that I do not expect to confine myself +to tinkering forever. I should have abandoned it long since, for +hundreds of fine men here in town have said to me, "Herman von +Bremen, you ought to be something else." It was only the other day +that one of the burgomasters let fall these words in the council: +"Herman von Bremen could surely be something more than a tinker. +That man has stuff in him that many of us in the council itself +might be glad to own." From which you may conclude that I shall not +die a tinker. And therefore I wish to have a son-in-law who will +apply himself to affairs of state, for I hope that in time both he +and I shall become members of the council. And now, if you will +start in with The Political Dessert, I shall examine you every +Saturday evening and see what progress you make. + +ANTONIUS. No, indeed, I will not. I am too old to go to school all +over again. + +HERMAN. Then you are not the sort to be my son-in-law. Adieu! [Exit. + + + +SCENE 5 + + +Enter Geske. + +GESKE. It is awful about my husband; he is never at home attending +to business. I would give a good deal to find out where he keeps +himself. But look, here is Monsieur Antonius! Are you all alone? +Won't you come in? + +ANTONIUS. No, thank you, mother, I am not worthy of that. + +GESKE. What nonsense is this? + +ANTONIUS. Your husband has his head full of political whims, and has +a burgomastership on his brain. He turns up his nose at +working-people like me and my kind. He imagines that he is cleverer +than the notary public himself. + +GESKE. The fool! The idiot! Will you heed him? I believe he's more +likely to become a vagrant and have to beg his bread, than to become +a burgomaster. Dear Antonius! you mustn't pay attention to him, and +you mustn't lose the affection you have for my daughter. + +ANTONIUS. Von Bremen swears she shall take no one who is not a +politician. + +GESKE. I'll wring her neck before I see her married to a politician. +In the old days they used to call a rogue a politician. + +ANTONIUS. Nor do I wish to become one. I want to earn my living +honestly as a wheelwright. That trade gave my honored father his +daily bread, and I hope it will feed me, too. But here comes a boy +who seems to be looking for you. + +Enter boy. + +GESKE. What do you want, my boy? + +BOY. I want to talk to Master Herman. + +GESKE. He's not at home. Won't you tell me? + +BOY. I was to find out for my mistress, if the dish was done that +she ordered three weeks ago. We have sent after it twenty times, but +they always put us off with talk. + +GESKE. Ask your mistress, my son, please not to be angry. It will +surely be done to-morrow. [Exit Boy. + +[Enter another Boy.] + +SECOND BOY. I am to find out once and for all if the soup-plates +will ever be finished. They could have been made and worn out since +we ordered them. Mistress swore you shouldn't do any work for us +again in a hurry. + +GESKE. Listen, my dear child, when you order anything again, order +it from me. At times my husband has bats in his belfry, and it does +no good to talk to him. Believe me, on my word, it will be done by +Saturday. Good-bye. (Exit Boy.) You see, my dear Antonius, how it +goes in our house. We lose one job after another from my husband's +neglect. + +ANTONIUS. Is he never at home? + +GESKE. Seldom; and when he is, he builds castles in the air so that +he has no thought for work. I ask nothing of him except that he keep +an eye on the workmen, for if he does anything himself, the +apprentices have to do it over again. Here is Henrich: he will tell +you what I say is true. + + + +SCENE 6 + + +(Enter Henrich.) + +HENRICH. There's a man out here, mistress, who wants to be paid for +the eight barrels of coal we got yesterday. + +GESKE. Where can I get the money from? He will have to wait till my +husband comes home. Can't you tell me where my husband is all day +long? + +HENRICH. If you will keep quiet about it, I can tell you right +enough. + +GESKE. I swear, Henrich, that I won't give you away. + +HENRICH. There's a college that meets every day--Collegium +Politicum, they call it--where a dozen or more people come together +and chatter about affairs of state. + +GESKE. Where does the meeting take place? + +HENRICH. You mustn't call it a meeting, it is a Collegium. + +GESKE. Where does the Collegium meet, then? + +HENRICH. It meets in turn, now at one member's house, now at +another's. To-day--don't tell on me--it will meet here. + +GESKE. Ha, ha! Now I understand why he wants to have me out to-day +calling on Arianke, the smith's wife. + +HENRICH. You might go out, but come back in an hour and surprise +them. Yesterday this Collegium of theirs met at Jens the +tavern-keeper's. I saw them all there sitting at a table, and the +master at the head of it. + +GESKE. Did you know any of them? + +HENRICH. I should say I did--all of them. Let me see: master and the +tavern-keeper makes two, and Franz the cutler, three; Christopher +the painter, four; Gilbert the paper-hanger, five; Christian the +dyer, six; Gert the furrier, seven; Henning the brewer, eight; +Sivert the baggage inspector, nine; Niels the clerk, ten; David the +schoolmaster, eleven; and Richard the brushmaker, twelve. + +ANTONIUS. They are fine fellows to discuss affairs of state! Didn't +you hear what they talked about? + +HENRICH. I heard well enough, but I understood very little. I heard +them depose emperors and kings and electors, and set up others in +their places. Then they talked about excise and consumption, about +the stupid people who were in the council, and about the development +of Hamburg and the promotion of trade; they looked things up in +books and traced things out on maps. Richard the brushmaker sat with +a toothpick in his hand; so I think he must be the secretary of +their council. + +ANTONIUS. Ha, ha, ha! The first time I see him I shall certainly +say, "Good-day, Mr. Secretary!" + +HENRICH. Yes, but don't you give me away. To the devil with fellows +who put down kings and princes and even burgomaster and council! + +GESKE. Does my husband join in the talk, too? + +HENRICH. Not much. He just sits and ponders and takes snuff while +the others talk, and when they have talked it all out, he gives his +decision. + +GESKE. Didn't he see you there? + +HENRICH. He didn't see me because I was in another room, but if he +had, his dignity wouldn't have allowed him to recognize me, for he +had the air of a colonel, or of the first burgomaster when he gives +audience to a minister. As soon as people get into colleges they +gather a sort of mist before their eyes, and they can't see even +their best friends. + +GESKE. Oh, unfortunate creature that I am! That husband of mine will +surely get us into trouble if the burgomaster and the council find +he is setting up to reform the government. The good gentlemen don't +want any reform here in Hamburg. You just see if we don't have a +guard in front of the house before we know it, and my poor Herman +von Bremen will be dragged off to jail. + +HENRICH. That may happen, like enough; for the council has never had +more power than now, ever since the troops were camped in Hamburg. +All the citizens together aren't powerful enough to take his part. + +ANTONIUS. Nonsense! Such fellows are only to be laughed at. What can +a tinker, a painter, or a maker of brushes know about statecraft? +The council is more likely to be amused than to be anxious about it. + +GESKE. I will see if I can't surprise them. Let us go in till they +come. [Exeunt. + + + +ACT II + +SCENE 1 + + +(A Room in Herman's house. Herman and Henrich are making +preparations for the meeting.) + +HERMAN. Henrich, get everything ready: mugs and pipes on the table. +They will be here in a minute. (Henrich sets everything in order. +One by one the members of the Collegium Politicum enter and sit at +the table. Herman takes the seat at the head of the table.) Welcome +to you all, good sirs. Where did we leave off last time? + +RICHARD. I think it was the interests of Germany. + +GERT. That is right. I remember now. That will all be decided at the +next session of the Reichstag. I wish I might be there for an hour: +I should whisper something into the ear of the Elector of Mainz that +he would thank me for. Those good people do not understand on what +the interests of Germany depend. Where has one ever heard of an +imperial capital like Vienna without a fleet or, at the very least, +galleys? They could just as well maintain a war-fleet for the +defence of the kingdom. There are surely war-taxes enough, and +imperial subsidies. See how much more shrewd the Turk is. We can +never learn to make war from any one better than from him. There are +certainly plenty of forests both in Austria and in Prague, if one +only will use them, to make ships, or masts, for that matter. If we +had a fleet in Austria, or in Prague, the Turks and the French would +give up besieging Vienna, you may be sure, and we could go straight +to Constantinople. But no one thinks of such a thing. + +SIVERT. No, never a mother's soul of them. Our forefathers had more +sense. It is all a question of preparation. Germany is no bigger now +than it was in the old days when we not only defended ourselves +honorably against all our neighbors, but took in large parts of +France besides, and besieged Paris by land and sea. + +FRANZ. But Paris is not a seaport, is it? + +SIVERT. Then I must have my map all wrong. I know well enough where +Paris is. Here is England, clear enough, right where I have my +finger; here flows the Channel; here is Bordeaux; and here is Paris. + +FRANZ. No, brother, here is Germany, and here, right next, is +France, which is joined on to Germany; ergo Paris cannot be a +seaport. + +SIVERT. Isn't there any seacoast to France, then? + +FRANZ. Certainly not. A Frenchman who has not travelled abroad has +never heard about ships and boats. Just ask Master Herman. Is it not +as I say, Master Herman? + +HERMAN. I shall settle the dispute at once. Henrich, give us the map +of Europe--Danckwart's map. + +JENS. Here is one, but it is a bit torn. + +HERMAN. That makes no difference. I know well enough where Paris is, +and I only need the map to convince the others. Now, look, Sivert, +here is Germany. + +SIVERT. That's right. I can see that by the Danube, which is here. +(As he points out the Danube he upsets a mug with his elbow, and the +map is flooded.) + +JENS. The Danube is flowing too strongly. (All laugh.) + +HERMAN. Listen, my friends. We are talking too much about foreign +affairs. Let us discuss Hamburg for a while--that subject will give +us material enough. I have often pondered on the question of how it +happens that we own no cities in India, but are forced to buy the +wares of others. That is a matter that the burgomaster and council +ought to consider. + +RICHARD. Don't speak of the burgomaster and council. If we wait +until they think of it, we shall wait a long time. Here in Hamburg a +burgomaster is commended for nothing but holding the law-abiding +burgesses in subjection. + +HERMAN. I believe, my good friends, that it is not too late: for why +should not the king of India trade with us as well as with the +Hollanders, who have nothing to send out there but cheese and +butter, which usually spoil on the way? I maintain that we should do +well to send a proposal to the council to that effect. How many of +us are here? + +JENS. We are only six, for I don't believe the other six are coming. + +HERMAN. That is enough. What is your opinion, Mr. Tavern-keeper? Let +us vote. + +JENS. I am entirely opposed to that plan, because such voyages take +away from the city a great many good men from whom I get my daily +penny. + +SIVERT. I hold that we ought to consider the development of the city +rather than our own interests, and that Master Herman's proposal is +the most admirable that can ever be made. The more trade we have, +the more the city must flourish; the more ships that come in, the +better for us minor officials. But the latter is not the main reason +I have for favoring this plan. The city's need and its progress are +the only things that persuade me to support such a scheme. + +GERT. I can by no means agree to this proposal. I advise instead the +founding of a company in Greenland and on Davis Strait, for that +trade is much better and more useful to the state. + +FRANZ. I see that Gert's vote regards his own advantage more than +the welfare of the republic; for people do not need a furrier so +much on the voyages to India as on voyages to the North. For my +part, I contend that India surpasses all in importance; in India you +can often trade a knife, a fork, or a pair of scissors with the +savages for its full weight in gold. We must contrive it so that the +plan we put before the council will not smell of self-interest, or +else we shall get nowhere with it. + +RICHARD. I am of the same opinion as Niels the clerk. + +HERMAN. You certainly vote like a brushmaker. Niels the clerk is not +here. But what is the woman doing here? Good Heavens, it is my wife! + + + +SCENE 2 + + +(Enter Geske.) + +GESKE. Is this where you are, you dawdler? It would be better if you +were at work on something, or at least superintending your workmen; +for we lose one job after another from your neglect. + +HERMAN. Quiet, wife! You will be Madam Burgomaster before you know +it. Do you think that I go out just to pass the time? Ay, I do ten +times as much work as all of you in the house: the rest of you work +with your hands only; I work with my brain. + +GESKE. All crazy people work that way, building castles in the air +just as you do, cudgelling their brains with bosh and nonsense, +imagining that they are doing something of importance when it is +really nothing at all. + +GERT. If she were my wife, she would not talk that way more than +once. + +FRANZ. I see that Gert's vote regards his own advantage more than +the welfare of the republic; for people do not need a furrier so +much on the voyages to India as on voyages to the North. For my +part, I contend that India surpasses all in importance; in India you +can often trade a knife, a fork, or a pair of scissors with the +savages for its full weight in gold. We must contrive it so that the +plan we put before the council will not smell of self-interest, or +else we shall get nowhere with it. + +RICHARD. I am of the same opinion as Niels the clerk. Herman. You +certainly vote like a brushmaker. Niels the clerk is not here. But +what is the woman doing here? Good Heavens, it is my wife! + + + +SCENE 2 + + +Enter Geske. + +GESKE. Is this where you are, you dawdler? It would be better if you +were at work on something, or at least superintending your workmen; +for we lose one job after another from your neglect. + +HERMAN. Quiet, wife! You will be Madam Burgomaster before you know +it. Do you think that I go out just to pass the time? Ay, I do ten +times as much work as all of you in the house: the rest of you work +with your hands only; I work with my brain. + +GESKE. All crazy people work that way, building castles in the air +just as you do, cudgelling their brains with bosh and nonsense, +imagining that they are doing something of importance when it is +really nothing at all. + +GERT. If she were my wife, she would not talk that way more than +once. + +HERMAN. Ah, Gert, a statesman must pay no attention to that sort of +thing. Two or three years ago I should have made my wife's back +smart for such words, but since I have begun to look into works on +politics, I have learned to despise such trifles. Qui nesclt +simulare, nescit regnare, says an ancient statesman, who was no +fool. I think his name was Agrippa, or Albertus Magnus. It is a +fundamental principle of all the politics in the world; for he who +cannot endure an evil speech from an angry and unreasonable woman is +not fit to hold any high office. Self-control is the highest virtue +and the jewel which most adorns rulers and magistrates. Therefore I +maintain that no one should sit in our council here in the city +until he has given proof of his self-control, and made it clear that +he can take words of abuse, blows, and boxes on the ear. I am by +nature quick-tempered, but I try to overcome it by study. I once +read in the preface of a book called The Political Stockfish that +when one is overwhelmed with anger he must count twenty, and his +anger will pass. + +GERT. It would do me no good to count up to a hundred. + +HERMAN. Then you are good for nothing but a subordinate. Henrich, +give my wife a mug of ale at the side table. + +GESKE. Oh, you beast! Do you think I have come here to drink? + +HERMAN. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, +eleven, twelve, thirteen--Now, it is all over. Listen, mother, you +must not speak so harshly to your husband--it sounds utterly vulgar. + +GESKE. Is it aristocratic to beg? Hasn't any woman reason enough to +scold when she has such a good-for-nothing for a husband--a man who +neglects his house like this, and leaves his wife and children in +want? + +HERMAN. Henrich, give her a glass of brandy, for she has worked +herself into a passion. + +GESKE. Henrich, give my husband a couple of boxes on the ear, the +scoundrel! + +HENRICH. You must do that yourself. I decline such a commission. + +GESKE. Then I take it on myself. (Boxes both his ears.) + +HERMAN. One, two, three-(counts to twenty, starts to strike her, but +begins counting again). Eighteen, nineteen, twenty--If I hadn't been +a statesman, you would have caught it that time! + +GERT. If you don't keep your wife in check, I will. Get out of here. +Go! Out with you! + +[Exit Geske, still scolding. + + + +SCENE 3 + + +GERT. I 'll teach her to keep quiet at home another time. I confess +that if it is statesmanlike to let yourself be dragged about by the +hair by your wife, I shall never be a statesman. + +HERMAN. Oh, qui nescit simulare, nescit regnare; that is easily +said, but less easily done. I admit it was a great indignity my wife +did me. I believe I shall run after her yet and beat her on the +street. But one, two, three, four (and so on), nineteen, twenty. +Now, that's all over. Let us talk of other things. + +FRANZ. The women have altogether too much to say here in Hamburg. + +GERT. Yes, that is so. I have often thought of bringing forward a +proposal on the subject. But it is dangerous to fall out with them. +Still, the proposal has its good points. + +HERMAN. What is the proposal? + +GERT. It consists of several articles. First, I argue that the +marriage contract should not be eternal, but should be made for a +term of years, so that if a man were not content with his wife, he +could make a new contract with another one. A man ought to be bound, +as he is with a rented house, to give a quarter's notice before +moving-day, which should be at Easter or Michaelmas. If he were +satisfied, the contract could be renewed. Believe me, if such a law +were passed, there wouldn't be a bad woman to be found in Hamburg. +Every one of them would try to gain favor in her husband's eyes so +that her contract might be renewed. Have you good men anything to +say against that article? Franz, you smile so knowingly, you surely +have something to say against it. Let us hear it! + +FRANZ. But couldn't a woman sometimes take the opportunity to +separate from a husband who either was cruel to her or was an idler +and only ate and drank, and refused to work to support his wife and +children? Or she might take a fancy to some one else and make it so +hot for her husband that, contrary to his intention, he would let +her go. I argue that worse trouble might arise from such an +arrangement. There are methods enough for coercing a woman. If every +one would count twenty like you, Master Herman, when he got a box on +the ear, we should have a fine lot of women. My humble opinion is +that the best way when a woman is unruly is for the husband to +threaten to sleep alone and share no bed with her till she improves. + +GERT. I couldn't stick to that. To many men that would be as much of +a hardship as it would be to the woman. + +FRANZ. But a man can go elsewhere. + +GERT. But a woman can go elsewhere. + +FRANZ. Anyhow, Gert, let us hear the other articles. + +GERT. I see myself! You just want to scoff some more, Nothing is so +good that no fault can be found with it. + +HERMAN. Let us talk of other things. People who heard us talk would +think we were holding a consistory or a divorce court. I was +thinking last night, as I lay awake, how the administration in +Hamburg could be best arranged so that certain families whose +members are born, as it were, to be burgomasters and councillors +could be excluded from the highest positions of authority and +complete freedom be introduced. I figured that the burgomasters +should be taken in turn, now from one trade-guild, now from another, +so that all citizens might share in the government and all classes +flourish. For instance, when a goldsmith was burgomaster he could +look after goldsmiths' interests, and a tailor after tailors', a +tinker after tinkers'; and no one should be burgomaster for more +than a month, so no one trade should prosper more than another. When +the government was arranged like that, we might be called a really +free people. + +ALL. The proposition is splendid. Master Herman, you talk like a +Solomon. + +FRANZ. The plan is good enough, but-- + +GERT. You always come in with a "but." I believe your father was a +butler. + +HERMAN. Let him express his opinion. What were you going to say? +What does that "but" of yours mean? + +FRANZ. I wonder if it might not be hard at times to get a good +burgomaster from every common trade? Master Herman would do, for he +is well educated. But when he is dead, where shall we find another +among the tinkers fitted for such responsibility? For when the +republic is brought to its knees, it is not so easy to make it over +into another form as it is to make over a plate or a pot that is +spoiled. + +GERT. Oh, nonsense! We shall find capable men a-plenty, and among +artisans, too. + +HERMAN. Listen, Franz. You are still a young man and so you can't +see so deep into things as the rest of us, albeit I perceive that +you have a good head and in time may amount to something. I can show +you, briefly, that this objection of yours has no foundation, by a +consideration of ourselves alone. We are twelve men in this guild, +all artisans; each one of us can surely see hundreds of mistakes +which the council makes. Imagine, now, that one of us becomes +burgomaster and corrects all the mistakes that we have talked about +so many times and that the council cannot see. Do you suppose the +city of Hamburg would lose by such a burgomaster? If you good +gentlemen are so disposed, I shall make that motion. + +ALL. Yes, indeed. + +HERMAN. But enough of these matters. Time flies, and we have not +read the newspaper yet. Henrich, let us have the latest paper. + +HENRICH. Here are all the latest newspapers. + +HERMAN. Give them to Richard the brushmaker, who usually does the +reading. + +RICHARD. It is reported from headquarters on the Rhine that recruits +are expected. + +HERMAN. Oh, they have reported that twelve times in succession. Skip +the Rhine. I could worry myself to death when I hear of such things. +What is the news from Italy? + +RICHARD. From Italy it is reported that Prince Eugene has broken +camp, crossed the Po, and gone past all the fortifications to +surprise the enemy, who thereupon retreated four miles in the +greatest haste. The Duke of Vendome laid waste and burned right and +left in his own territory as he retreated. + +HERMAN. Upon my soul his Excellency is struck blind. We are done +for. I wouldn't give fourpence for the whole army of Italy. + +GERT. I maintain that the prince did right, for that has always been +my plan. Didn't I say last time, Franz, that they ought to do that? + +FRANZ. I don't remember that you did. + +GERT. Of course I have said so, a hundred times. For why should an +army lie idle? The prince has done right. I dare maintain it against +any one, whoever he be. + +HERMAN. Henrich, give us a glass of brandy. I swear, gentlemen, it +went black before my eyes when I heard this news read.--Your health, +gentlemen!--I must admit I consider it a fatal mistake to go past +all the forts. + +SIVERT. On my word, I should have done the same thing if the army +had been entrusted to me. + +FRANZ. You will see when they make generals of baggage inspectors. + +SIVERT. You have no call to sneer. I should have been as good as +another. + +GERT. You are right there, Sivert. The prince did well to make +straight for the enemy. + +HERMAN. Ah, my good Gert, you are much too self-satisfied. You +still have something to learn. + +GERT. But not from Franz the cutler. + +(They get into a violent quarrel and talk all at once. They rise +from their chairs, threaten, and shout.) + +HERMAN [knocking on the table and bellowing]. Silence! Silence! +Gentlemen! Let us say no more about it, and each one hold to his own +opinion. Listen, gentlemen! Keep still, will you? Do you think that +it was from fear that the Duke of Vendome retired and set fire to +the countryside? No, the fellow has been reading the Chronicle of +Alexander the Great, for that's what he did when Darius followed +him, and thereby he won as great a victory as we won before +Hochstadt. + +JENS. It has just struck twelve by the postmaster's clock. + +HERMAN. Then we must go. + +[They go out disputing, and make a great noise as they continue the +argument.] + + + +ACT III + +SCENE 1 + + +(In front of Herman's house stand Abrahams and Sanderus, with +Christopher and Jochum, their servants.) + +ABRAHAMS. I have a story for you that will amuse the whole town. Do +you know what I have arranged with three or four gentlemen here in +the city? + +SANDERUS. No, I don't know. + +ABRAHAMS. Do you know Herman von Bremen? + +SANDERUS. That must be the tinker who is such a great politician and +who lives in this house. + +ABRAHAMS. That's the man. I was with some of the members of the +council awhile ago, and they were very angry with the fellow because +he talked so boldly at the tavern about the government, and wanted +to reform everything. They thought it would be worth while to set +spies on him to find out just what he says, so that he could be +punished as an example to others. + +SANDERUS. It would be a good thing to punish such fellows, for they +sit over a jug of ale and criticise kings and princes and +magistrates and generals in a way that is dreadful to listen to. And +it is dangerous, too, for the common people hare not the discretion +to appreciate how absurd it is for a tinker, a hatter, and a maker +of brushes to talk about such things, of which they know little or +nothing, and settle matters that are too much for the whole council. + +ABRAHAMS. That is so; for that same tinker could reform the whole +Roman Empire while he patched a kettle, and play both mender of +dishes and mender of diets at the same time. But I did not approve +the plan of those councillors, because to arrest such a man would +only start an uproar among the populace and make a person of +importance out of a mere fool. My idea, then, is to play a joke on +him, instead, which might have better effect. + +SANDERUS. How would you go about it? + +ABRAHAMS. Send him a deputation, supposedly from the council, to +congratulate him on his election as burgomaster, and immediately set +him some hard duty to perform. Then every one will see how miserable +it will make him, and he himself will realize what a difference +there is between talking about an office and doing the work of it. + +SANDERUS. But what will come of it? + +ABRAHAMS. The result will be that he will either run away from the +city out of sheer desperation, or else humbly beg for his deposition +and confess his incompetence. It is only for this purpose that I +have come to you, Master Sanderus, to beg your help in putting this +scheme into operation, for I know that you are skilful at that sort +of thing. + +SANDERUS. That can be arranged. We will play the part of the +deputation ourselves, and call on him immediatelv. + +ABRAHAMS. Here is his house. Jochum or Christopher, knock, one of +you, and say that two gentlemen of the council are outside and wish +to talk with Herman von Bremen. (They knock.) + + + +SCENE 2 + + +(Enter Herman.) + +HERMAN. Whom do you wish to see? + +JOCHUM. Here are two gentlemen of the council, who have the honor of +waiting upon you. + +HERMAN. Heavens! What's up? I look as dirty as a pig. + +ABRAHAMS. Your most humble servant, honorable Burgomaster! We have +been sent here by the council to congratulate you on your election +to the office of burgomaster of the city; for the council, after +considering your merits more than your condition and circumstances, +has elected you burgomaster. + +SANDERUS. The council looks upon it as unjust that so wise a man +should be occupied with such base affairs and should bury his great +talent in the earth. + +HERMAN. Honored colleagues! Convey my respects and gratitude to the +just and upright councillors and assure them of my protection. I am +delighted that this idea has occurred to them, not for my own sake, +but for that of the city. If I had cared for rank, I might perhaps +have attained something long ago. + +ABRAHAMS. Honored Burgomaster! The council and the burgesses can +expect nothing but the prosperity of the city under so wise a +magistrate. + +SANDERUS. And for that reason they have passed over so many rich and +distinguished men who have sought this high office. + +HERMAN. Yes, yes. I hope that they will not regret their choice, +either. + +ABRAHAMS and SANDERUS. We recommend ourselves, both of us, to the +favor of the honorable Burgomaster. + +HERMAN. It will be a pleasure to do you some service. Pardon me for +not attending you further. + +SANDERUS. Oh, it would hardly be fitting for your Honor to go +further. + +HERMAN (calling one of the lackeys). Listen, my friend! Here is +something for a pot of ale. + +LACKEYS. Oh, we do not do that, your Honor. + +[Exeunt Abrahams, Sanderus, and Lackeys.] + + + +SCENE 3 + + +HERMAN. Geske! Geske! + +GESKE (off stage). I haven't time. + +HERMAN. Come out here! I have something to tell you that you never +dreamed of in all your life. + +(Enter Geske.) + +GESKE. Now, what is it? + +HERMAN. Have you any coffee in the house? + +GESKE. What nonsense! When did I use coffee last? + +HERMAN. You will need it from now on. Within half an hour you will +receive calls from the wives of all the members of the council. + +GESKE. I think the man is dreaming. + +HERMAN. Yes, I am dreaming, in such a way that I have dreamed us +into a burgomastership + +GESKE. Listen, husband, don't make me angry again! + +You know what happened last time. + +HERMAN. Didn't you see the two gentlemen and their lackeys who went +past? + +GESKE. Yes, I saw them. + +HERMAN. They stopped here, and brought me word from the council that +I have been made burgomaster. + +GESKE. The devil you have! + +HERMAN. Now, my dear wife, see that you strive hereafter to acquire +more correct manners, and that you retain none of your old +tinker-tricks. + +GESKE. Oh, is it really true, my dear husband? + +HERMAN. It is as true as I'm standing here. Before we know it, we +shall have the house full of congratulators, of most-humble-servants, +of I-have-the-honors, and of I-kiss-your-handers. + +GESKE (on her knees). Ah, my dear husband, forgive me if I have ever +done you an injustice! + +HERMAN. Everything is forgiven; only try to behave more like +gentlefolk, and you shall find favor with me. But where shall we get +a servant in a hurry? + +GESKE. We must manage to get Henrich into some of your clothes until +we can buy a livery. But listen, my dear: since you have become a +burgomaster, I beg of you that Gert the furrier may be punished for +the wrong he did me to-day. + +HERMAN. Oh, my dear wife! The burgomaster's wife must not think of +avenging the injury done to the tinker's wife. Let us call in +Henrich. + + + +SCENE 4 + + +GESKE. Henrich! + +HENRICH (off stage). Hey! + +(Enter Henrich.) + +GESKE. Henrich! you must not answer like that after this. Don't you +know what has happened to us? + +HENRICH. No, I don't know. + +GESKE. My husband has been made burgomaster. + +HENRICH. What of? + +GESKE. What of? Of Hamburg! + +HENRICH. The deuce you say! That certainly is the devil's own jump +for a tinker! + +HERMAN. Henrich, speak with more respect. You must know that you are +now the lackey of a man of prominence. + +HENRICH. Lackey! Then I don't advance nearly so much! + +HERMAN. You shall advance in time. You may even be a reutendiener +some day. Only keep still. Your duty for a few days is to act as +lackey until I can get a servant.--He can wear my brown coat, my +dear, till we get a livery. + +GESKE. But I am afraid it will be much too long for him. + +HERMAN. Of course it is too long, but a man must help himself as +best he can when he's in a hurry. + +HENRICH. Good Lord! It goes down to my heels. I shall look like a +Jewish priest. + +HERMAN. Listen, Henrich-- + +HENRICH. Yes, master. + +HERMAN. You rascal! Don't address me by any such title any more; +from henceforth, when I call, you answer "Mr. Burgomaster!" and when +any one comes to ask after me, you may say, "Burgomaster von +Bremenfeld is at home." + +HENRICH. Must I say that whether your Honor is at home or not? + +HERMAN. What nonsense! When I am not at home, you must say, +"Burgomaster von Bremenfeld is not at home;" and when I do not wish +to be at home, you shall say, "The burgomaster is not giving +audience to-day."--Listen, my dear, you must make some coffee +immediately, so that you will have something to entertain the +councillors' wives with when they come. For our reputation will from +now on depend on having people say, "Burgomaster von Bremenfeld +gives good counsel, and his wife good coffee." I am so much afraid, +my dear, that you will make some mistake before you get accustomed +to the position that you have attained.--Henrich, run get a +tea-table and some cups, and tell the girl to run out and get +fourpence' worth of coffee--one can always buy more later.--You make +it a rule, my dear, not to talk much until you learn to carry on +refined conversation. You must not be too humble, either, but stand +upon your dignity, and strive in every way to get the old tinkering +habits out of your head, and try to imagine that you have been a +burgomaster's wife for years. In the morning a tea-table must be set +for callers, and in the afternoon a coffee-table, and that can be +used for cards. There is a game that they call Allumber; I would +give a hundred thalers if you and our daughter, Miss Engelke, knew +how to play it. You must pay close attention when you see other +people play, so you can learn it. You must lie abed in the morning +till nine or half past, for it's only common people who get up in +the summer with the sun. But on Sunday you must get up a little +earlier, as I expect to take physic on that day. You must get hold +of a fine snuff-box, and let it lie on the table near you when you +are playing cards. When any one drinks your health, you mustn't say +"Thanks," but "Tres humble servitoor." And when you yawn, you +mustn't hold your hand before your mouth, because that isn't done +any more among the gentry. And lastly, when you are in company, you +mustn't be too squeamish, but leave your propriety a little to one +side.--Listen, I forgot something: you must also get a lap-dog and +love it like your own daughter, for that's fashionable. Our neighbor +Arianke has a pretty dog that she might lend you till we can get one +for ourselves. You must give the dog a French name, which I shall +think up when I have time. It must lie in your lap constantly, and +you must kiss it at least half a dozen times, when there are +callers. + +GESKE. No, my dear husband, I can't possibly do that, for there's no +telling what a dog has been lying in and getting itself all +dirty--you might get a mouthful of filth or fleas. + +HERMAN. Here, here, no nonsense! If you want to be a lady, you must +act like a lady. Besides, a dog like that can supply you with +conversation; when you have run short of topics, you can talk about +the dog's qualities and accomplishments. Just do as I say, my dear; +I understand high society better than you do. Take me as your model. +You shall find that not even the smallest of my old habits will +remain. It won't happen to me as it did to a butcher, once, when he +was made a councillor. Whenever he had written a page and wanted to +turn over the leaf, he put his pen in his mouth, as he used to do +with his butcher's knife. The rest of you go in now and get things +ready. I want to talk awhile with Henrich alone. + +[Exit Geske.] + + + +SCENE 5 + + +HERMAN. Listen, Henrich! + +HENRICH. Mr. Burgomaster! + +HERMAN. Don't you think people will envy me because of this +preferment? + +HENRICH. Well, what do you care about people who envy you, your +Honor? If only I had been made a burgomaster like that, I should +have sent my enviers to death and the devil. + +HERMAN. The one thing I am a little anxious about is the matter of +small ceremonies, for the world is governed by pedantry, and people +notice trifles more than solid things. If only the first day were +over, when I make my entry into the City Hall, I should be glad; for +as far as substantial business is concerned, that is bread and +butter to me. But I must arrange how I am to meet my colleagues for +the first time and make sure that I do not run counter to any of the +traditional ceremonies. + +HENRICH. Oh, fiddlesticks, Mr. Burgomaster! No true man lets himself +be bound by fixed ceremonies. I, for my part, should do nothing, if +I were to make my entry, except give the gentlemen of the council my +hand to kiss, and wear a fine scowl on my brow so that they might +gather what my intentions were, and silently make them realize that +a burgomaster was no goose and no dumpling. + +HERMAN. But think, there must be an oration at the City Hall the +first day that I am introduced. I can certainly make as good a +speech as any one in town, and I should make bold to preach if it +were to-morrow morning. But inasmuch as I have never been present at +such a ceremony before, I really don't know what is the customary +formula. + +HENRICH. Oh, sir, no one but schoolmasters limit themselves by a +formula. If I were burgomaster, I should be content with a brief and +emphatic address, such as this: "It may seem a rather remarkable +thing, wise and noble councillors, to see a miserable tinker +suddenly turned into a burgomaster--" + +HERMAN. Fie, that would be a shabby start. + +HENRICH. No, that wouldn't be the start. I should begin my speech +like this: "I thank you, wise and noble gentlemen, for the honor you +have done a wretched tinker like me in making him burgomaster--" + +HERMAN. You always bring in your confounded "tinker." It is not +proper to talk like that at the City Hall, where I must act as if I +had been born a burgomaster. If I were to make such a speech, I +should only be scorned and mocked. No, no, Henrich, you would make a +poor orator. He is a rogue who says I was ever a tinker. I have +merely tinkered a little to pass the time away when I have been +tired of studying. + +HENRICH. He is a rogue who says I was ever a tinker's apprentice. + +HERMAN. Then why do you want me to make such a speech? + +HENRICH. Oh, have a little patience! Your Honor is too hasty. I +should politely tell them at the start that if any one made fun of +me for having been a tinker, he would get into trouble. And if I +noticed the least expression of mockery on any one's face, I should +say, "Wise and noble sirs, do you for a moment allow yourselves to +imagine that you have made me burgomaster to ridicule me: And at +that I should pound hard on the desk while I spoke, so that they +might see from my introductory speech that I was not to be fooled +with, and that they had made a burgomaster who was the man for the +place. For if his Honor lets himself be imposed on at the start, the +council will continue to look on him as a rascal." + +HERMAN. You talk like a rascal, but still I shall manage to hit on +the kind of speech I want to make. Let us go in. + +[Exeunt. + + + +ACT IV + +SCENE I + + +(A Room in Herman's house. Henrich, alone. He has braid on both +sleeves of his coat, which reaches to his heels, and is trimmed with +white paper.) + +HENRICH. I am a cur if I can see how the council hit on the idea of +making my master burgomaster, because I can see no connection +between a tinker and a high official like that, unless it is that +just as a tinker throws plates and dishes into a mould and melts +them up into new ones, so a good burgomaster can remould the +republic, when it is declining, by making good laws. But the good +men did not take into consideration the fact that my master is the +worst tinker in Hamburg, and therefore, if they have by any chance +chosen him on that basis, he will be the worst burgomaster, too, +that we have ever had. The only useful thing about their choice is +that it makes me a reutendiener, and that is a position for which I +have both talent and inclination, for ever since I was a boy I have +enjoyed seeing people arrested. It is a good place, too, for one who +knows how to make something out of it. First of all I must appear to +have a great deal of say with the burgomaster, and when people get +that article of faith through their heads, Henrich will make at +least a hundred or two hundred thalers a year, which I shall take +not out of greed, but only to show that I understand my business as +reutendiener. If any one wants to talk to the burgomaster, I say he +is not at home. If they say they saw him at the window, I answer +that it makes no difference, he is still not at home. People in +Hamburg know at once what that answer means; they slip a thaler into +Henrich's hand, and his Honor promptly comes home. If he has been +ill, he recovers at once; if he has had visitors, they leave at +once; if he has been lying down, he gets up at once. I run about +with the lackeys of the gentry, now and then, and I know well enough +what goes on in those houses. In the old days when folks were as +stupid as horses and asses, such things were called stealing, but +now they are known as "extras," "tips," or "unclassified income." +But look, here comes Anneke; she doesn't know yet about the +transformation, for she still has her vulgar tinker-look and +tinker-walk. + + + +SCENE 2 + + +[Enter Anneke.] + +ANNEKE. Ha, ha, ha! He looks like a mummer. I believe that's an +Adrienne that he's got on him. + +HENRICH. Listen, you tinker's trash! have you never seen a livery or +a lackey before? Faith, these common people are like animals, they +stand and stare like cows, when they see a man in different clothes +one day from what he wears another. + +ANNEKE. No, a joke's one thing, and sober truth's another. Don't you +know that I've learned to tell fortunes? An old woman came here +to-day who reads people's hands. I gave her a bit of bread and she +taught me the art of seeing in people's hands what is going to +happen to them. If I may look at your hand, I can tell your fortune +at once. + +HENRICH. Yes, yes, Anneke! Henrich isn't as stupid as you think. I +smell a rat already. You have got wind of the promotion that is +promised me to-day. + +ANNEKE. No, indeed, I know nothing about it. + +HENRICH. See how straight she keeps her face. Indeed you have heard +it, and that is why you know how to tell fortunes so well. No, +Henrich has an old head on his shoulders, and he can't be led by the +nose. + +ANNEKE. I give you my oath that I haven't heard a word of what you +are talking about. + +HENRICH. Haven't you been talking to madam the burgomaster's wife? + +ANNEKE. The fellow is mad. What burgomaster's wife do I know? + +HENRICH. Then I believe the young lady has told you. + +ANNEKE. Here, enough of this nonsense, Henrich. + +HENRICH. Look here, Anneke, here is my hand. Tell my fortune all you +want. I see well enough that you have got wind of the affair, +although you act as if you knew nothing about it. But it can do no +harm to have you so wily; our whole household must be like that from +now on. Now, what do you see in my hand? + +ANNEKE. I see, Henrich, that master's custos which hangs back of the +stove will dance a merry step on your back this day. Aren't you +ashamed to go round like a mummer when there is so much work to do +in the house, and to treat the master's coat like that? + +HENRICH. Listen, Anneke! I can tell fortunes without reading hands. +I prophesy that you are a rascal, and for your shameless talk you +are going to get a box on the ear, or two, as the case may be. See, +there's a prophecy come true. (Boxes her ear.) + +ANNEKE. Ow, ow, ow! You shall pay dear for that. + +HENRICH. Learn to show ordinary respect another time for a great +gentleman's lackey--(Boxes her ear again.) + +ANNEKE. Just you wait; mistress will be here in a minute. + +HENRICH (again).--for the burgomaster's most distinguished servant-- + +ANNEKE. She will take it out on your back. + +HENRICH (again).--for a reutendiener-- + +ANNEKE. Yes, yes! I say it again: that will cost you dear. + +HENRICH (again).--for a person of great influence with the +burgomaster-- + +ANNEKE. Oh, oh! No one in this house has ever struck me before. + +HENRICH (again).--whom all the citizens will cherish and compliment +henceforth. + +ANNEKE. I think the fellow is stark mad. Oh, mistress! mistress! +Come here! + +HENRICH. Hush, hush! You will get into trouble with your mistress. I +see now that you don't know what has happened, so, like a Christian, +I forgive your fault. The council has unanimously elected the master +burgomaster, mistress madam burgomaster, and decreed Engelke out of +mere maidenhood into the degree of young lady. Therefore you can +easily understand that it won't do for me to work any more. For the +same reason, too, I wear this livery that you notice. + +ANNEKE. Well, don't stand and stare at me into the bargain. + +HENRICH. It is as I say, Anneke! Here comes the young lady, who +shall vouch for my words. + + + +SCENE 3 + + +(Enter Engelke.) + +ENGELKE. Oh, God help me, poor creature! Now I see that all hope is +gone. + +HENRICH. Oh, my young lady, is this the time to weep, when your +parents have come into such good fortune? + +ENGELKE. Hold your tongue, Henrich, I don't want to be "my young +lady." + +HENRICH. What are you going to be, then? You're not a mere maiden, +so you must be a young lady. That is surely the next degree of honor +to which you rise when you lose your maidenhood. + +ENGELKE. I had rather be a peasant's daughter. Then I could be sure +of getting the man on whom I have set my heart. + +HENRICH. Oh, is that all the young lady is crying about--that she +wants to get married? Now she can get married in the shortest +possible time to any man she points at, for half the town will +besiege the house to be a burgomaster's son-in-law. + +ENGELKE. I won't have any one but Antonius, whom I've already +promised to marry. + +HENRICH. Fie, Mamsell! Will you take a wheelwright now, a man I can +scarcely associate with,--I, who am only a reutendiener? You should +have a higher sense of honor after this. + +ENGELKE. Be quiet, you lout! I would give up my life rather than let +myself be forced to marry any one else. + +HENRICH. Now reassure yourself, my young lady, we shall see, I and +the burgomaster, if we can't help Antonius into office, and then you +can take him and welcome. (Exit Engelke. Anneke weeps.) Why are you +crying, Anneke? + +ANNEKE. I am crying for joy over the fortune that has come to our +house. + +HENRICH. True enough, Anneke, you have cause to rejoice. Who the +devil would have thought that such a sow as you are could ever +become a lady's maid? + +ANNEKE. And who the dickens could have thought that such a hog as +you might become a reutendiener? + +HENRICH. Listen, little girl, I haven't time to talk to you any +longer now. Madam expects guests; I must prepare coffee. See, here +she is; let us go. I must run get the coffee-table. [Exeunt. + + + +SCENE 4 + + +(Enter Geske with a dog in her arms. Henrich returns with the +coffee-table and sets it busily.) + +GESKE. Listen, Henrich, is there syrup in the coffee? + +HENRICH. No, Mistress! + +GESKE. No more "Master" and "Mistress," Henrich! I say that once for +all. Run get some syrup and put it into the pot. (Exit Henrich.) I +was free from all this hubbub before. But I suppose that once I am +used to it, it will come easier to me. + +(Enter Henrich.) + +HENRICH. Here is the syrup. + +GESKE. Pour it into the pot. Goodness me, some one is knocking. It +must be the wives of councillors to call on me. + +HENRICH (at the door). Whom do you want to speak to? + +GIRL. Tell your master that he can lie like ten tinkers. I have worn +out a pair of shoes running to and fro after the dripping-pan. + +HENRICH. I say, whom do you want to speak to? + +GIRL. I want to speak to Master Herman. + +HENRICH. You are on a wild-goose chase. Burgomaster von Bremenfeld +lives here. + +GIRL. It is a scandal when people can't get their things done, and +have to let themselves be made fools of by a miserable tinker. + +HENRICH. If you have any fault to find with tinkers, you must go to +the Council Hall; you will get justice there, or I don't know +Burgomaster von Bremenfeld. + +TWO LACKEYS. Our ladies are desirous of announcing that if it suits +the convenience of Madam Burgomaster, they should like to have the +honor of waiting on her. + +HENRICH (to the Girl). Now, do you see, you scum of the earth, that +it's no tinker that lives here? (To the servants.) I will inquire if +the burgomaster's lady is at home. + +[The Girl goes. + +HENRICH (to Geske). Here are two councillors' ladies outside, who +want to talk to the mistress. + +GESKE. Let them in. + + + +SCENE 5 + + +(Enter Madame Abrahams and Madame Sanderus. They kiss Geske's +apron.) + +MME. ABRAHAMS. We have come here to-day to offer our most humble +congratulations and to témoigner the heartfelt joy and delight that +we feel at your advancement, and at the same time to recommend +ourselves to your favor and affection. + +GESKE. Tres humble servitoor! I wonder if you wouldn't like to drink +a cup of coffee. + +MME. ABRAHAMS. We thank Madam Burgomaster, but this time we have +come only to offer congratulations. + +GESKE. Tres humble servitoor! But I know you like coffee. Perhaps +you just want to be urged. Be so good as to sit down; the coffee is +all ready. Henrich! + +HENRICH. Gracious madam? + +GESKE. Have you put the syrup in the coffee? + +HENRICH. Yes, I have. [Exit. + +GESKE. Please, good ladies, won't you have some? + +MME. SANDERUS. I hope you will be so good as to excuse us, but we +never drink coffee. + +GESKE. Oh, nonsense, I know better I beg you be seated. + +MME. SANDERUS (aside to Mme. Abrahams). Oh, ma soeur, I am sick at +the mere thought of that syrup. + +GESKE. Henrich, come fill the cups. + +(Enter Henrich.) + +MME. SANDERUS. That is enough, my good man. I can drink only half a +cup. + +HENRICH. I am to ask Madam Burgomaster to step in for a moment and +speak to the burgomaster. + +GESKE. Excuse me, good ladies, I must go for an instant. You shall +shortly have the honor of seeing me again. + +[Exeunt Henrich and Geske. + + + +SCENE 6 + + +MME. ABRAHAMS. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Whom is the joke +on now, my sister, she whom we laugh at in our sleeves as we sit +here, or we who have to drink coffee with syrup in it? + +MME. SANDERUS. For Heaven's sake don't mention the syrup again! My +stomach comes up into my throat when I think of it. + +MME. ABRAHAMS. Did you notice the airs she put on when we kissed her +apron? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I shall never forget as long as I live +that "Tres humble servitoor." Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! + +MME. SANDERUS. Don't laugh so loud, sister, I'm afraid they can hear +it. + +MME. ABRAHAMS. Oh, it is a real art to be able to keep from +laughing. And wasn't that the sweetest dog she had in her arms? The +loveliest watch-dog one might wish for. I am sure it was called +"Joli" into the bargain. Heavens, heavens, how true it is, as people +always say, that no one is more arrogant than those who come up from +the dregs into positions of honor! That is why nothing is more +dangerous than these sudden changes. People who are of good stock +and are properly brought up are only too glad to stay as they were, +or even to become more humble, when they rise to higher distinction. +But those who grow up quickly out of nothing, like mushrooms, seem +to come naturally by intolerable pride. + +MME. SANDERUS. I wonder what the reason can be? I should think such +people ought rather to be humbled by the thought of their former +position. + +MME. ABRAHAMS. The reason must be that those who come from good +families have never suspected any one of despising them, and +consequently don't worry about how they are received, whereas common +people have always suspected every one, and think that every word +and every glance is intended as a reflection on their previous +state, and so they seek to assert their dignity by making themselves +imperious and tyrannous. Believe me, dear sister! There is something +in springing from good stock. But here comes the boy; we had better +be still. + + + +SCENE 7 + + +(Enter Henrich.) + +HENRICH. The good ladies must not let the time seem long. The madam +is coming back in a minute. The burgomaster has presented her with a +new collar for her dog, but it was a little too wide; so the tailor +is in there taking the measure of the dog's neck. As soon as that's +settled, she will come back. But I hope you good ladies won't take +it amiss, if I ask you a favor: will you be so good as to think of +me in a little remembrance, for I have heavy work, and slave like a +beast here in the house. + +MME. ABRAHAMS. Gladly, my friend! Here is a gulden,--you will +accept it. + +HENRICH. Ah, my best thanks! I hope that I may serve you ladies +again. Now, you must drink your fill while the mistress is out; she +won't be angry, or if she is, I will make it all right. + +MME. ABRAHAMS. My good man, the greatest service you can do us is +not to urge us. + +HENRICH. As I say, gentle ladies, I know the mistress won't mind; +you simply must drink. Perhaps it isn't sweet enough. I will go get +some more syrup.--But here she comes herself. + + + +SCENE 8 + + +(Enter Geske.) + +GESKE. I beg your pardon for staying away so long. ladies, you +haven't drunk a thing in all this time! We simply must empty the +pot, and then when you have the coffee, you must taste our ale. If I +do say it it is as good as any ale in town. + +MME. SANDERUS. Oh, I feel so very bad, you must pardon me if I am +unable to stay any longer. My sister will stay and try it. + +MME. ABRAHAMS. Oh, no, it would be a sin to desert my sister. We +commend ourselves to the affection of Madam Burgomaster. + +GESKE. Then you must have a glass of brandy--it will make you +perfectly well again--it drives out the wind. Henrich! run get a +glass of brandy--the lady's not feeling well. + +MME. SANDERUS. No, excuse me; I must go. [Exeunt. + + + +SCENE 9 + + +(Enter another Councillor's Wife.) + +COUNCILLOR'S WIFE. Your humble servant. I have come dutifully to +extend my felicitations. + +(Geske reaches out her hand to be kissed, and the lady kisses it.) + +GESKE. It will be a pleasure to me if I or the burgomaster can be of +any service. Won't you sit down, please? Don't stand on ceremony, +just imagine that you are among your equals. + +COUNCILLOR'S WIFE. I am deeply obliged, madam! (Sits down.) + +GESKE. Some of your colleagues were just here and drank some coffee +with me; I think there must be a couple of cups left, if you should +like some. The bottom's the best. I don't believe I can drink any +more, because I've got so much in me already that my stomach's like +a drum. + +COUNCILLOR'S WIFE. I thank you humbly, but I have just had some +coffee. + +GESKE. As you wish. We gentlefolk don't urge any one. Oh, listen, +dear madam--do you know of any Frenchwoman to recommend for my young +lady? I want her to learn French. + +COUNCILLOR'S WIFE. Yes, my lady, I know one who is very +satisfactory. + +GESKE. Good; but I want to have her understand at the outset that I +cannot tolerate having her call me "Madame" as the French people +usually do. Not that I am proud, but I have my own ideas on the +point. + +COUNCILLOR'S WIFE. Oh, no, of course she must not. But might I not +also have the privilege of kissing your daughter's hand? + +GESKE. I should be delighted. Henrich! Call the young lady and tell +her that a lady of the council is here and wishes to kiss her hand. + +HENRICH. I don't think she can come, because she's darning her +stockings. [Exit. + +GESKE. Just listen to that lout, how he stands there and talks at +random! Ha, ha, ha! He means to say "embroidering." + + + +SCENE 10 + + +(Enter Arianke, the Blacksmith's Wife. (This part is played by a +man.)) + +ARIANKE. Oh, my dear sister Geske! Is it true that your husband has +been made burgomaster? I am as pleased as if I had been given two +marks. Let us see now that you haven't become proud, but acknowledge +your old cronies. (Geske does not answer?) When was your husband +made burgomaster? (Geske says not a word.) You are getting +absent-minded, sister. I am asking you when your husband was made +burgomaster. + +COUNCILLOR'S WIFE. You must show a little more respect, dear Madam, +to a burgomaster's wife. + +ARIANKE. No, I don't have to stand on ceremony with sister Geske, +for we have been like body and soul. But what is the matter, sister? +It seems to me that you have grown a bit haughty. + +GESKE. My good woman, I don't know you. + +ARIANKE. The Lord preserve us! When you needed money, you knew me +well enough. You can't be sure but my husband may come to be the +same as yours some time before he dies. + +(Geske turns faint and uses a bottle of smelling-salts.) + +HENRICH. Get out, you smith's hag! Do you think you're standing in a +smithy and talking? + +[Takes her by the hand and leads her off.] + +GESKE. Oh, madam, it is a sorrow to associate with these low-born +people. Henrich! you will get into trouble if you let in any more +commoners' wives after this. + +HENRICH. She was drunk as a pig; the brandy fairly stuck out off her +throat. + +COUNCILLOR'S WIFE. The incident pains me, for I fear that Madam +Burgomaster has been overcome by anger. People of rank cannot endure +much. The higher one advances in position, the more delicate one's +health becomes. + +GESKE. Yes, I can assure you that I am far from having the health +now that I had in my former rank. + +COUNCILLOR'S WIFE. I can believe that easily. Madam will have to +take physic every day. All other burgomaster's wives have had to do +it. + +HENRICH (aside to the audience). I think, by Jove, that I haven't +the health I used to have, since I became reutendiener. I've got a +stitch--oh, oh!--right here in my left side. You laugh at it, good +people, but I am really in earnest. Ma foi, I am afraid that before +I know it I shall have gout on me. + +COUNCILLOR'S WIFE. Madam must also engage a doctor by the year for +her whole household, and he can give her some drops which she can at +least leave standing in a bottle, whether she uses them or not. + +GESKE. Yes, I certainly shall follow your advice. Henrich! Later on +you must run to Doctor Hermelin's and ask him to make me a visit +when he has time. + +COUNCILLOR'S WIFE. I must now take my leave, madam, and commend +myself to your affection. + +GESKE. Already so commended, my dear lady! You have but to speak +frankly to me or to Master Herman--I mean to Burgomaster von +Bremenfeld. What service we can do to you or to those dear to you, +you shall never lack. + +COUNCILLOR'S WIFE (kissing her apron). Your most humble servant! + +GESKE. Adieu! (Exit the Councillor's Wife.) Let us go in, for my +husband is giving audience here. + + + +ACT V + +SCENE I + + +(Same as Act IV. Henrich, alone.) + +HENRICH. Well, well, here comes grist to my mill; it's the audience +hour. Now, you shall see, good people, if a man who had been twenty +years in the service could bear himself better than I.--There's some +one knocking. Whom do you wish to see, my good men? + +(Enter two Lawyers.) + +FIRST LAWYER. We should very much like to have the honor of speaking +to the burgomaster. + +HENRICH. He is not up yet. + +FIRST LAWYER. Not up at four in the afternoon? + +HENRICH. Oh, he is up, to be sure, but he has gone out. + +FIRST LAWYER. But we just met a man at the door who had been talking +to him. + +HENRICH. He really is in, but he is not well. (Aside.) These fellows +are as stupid as cattle, they don't seem to grasp my meaning. + +FIRST LAWYER (aside). I perceive, mon frere, that this fellow wants +to be oiled; we must slip a gulden into his fist, and then the +burgomaster will come fast enough. Listen, my friend! You will not +refuse a couple of gulden to drink our healths with? + +HENRICH. Oh, no, my dear sirs, I never take anything as a present. + +FIRST LAWYER. What shall we do, then, mon frere? Evidently we must +go away until another day. + +HENRICH (beckons to them). Hey, gentlemen! you are in too much of a +hurry. For your sake I will accept the two guldens; otherwise you +might think that I was proud and our house would be ill spoken of in +consequence. + +FIRST LAWYER. Here, comrade! Here are two guldens, if you will accept +them; now be good enough to obtain us an audience. + +HENRICH. Your most humble servant. For your sake I shall do all I +can. The burgomaster is really as sound as a horse, but still he is +not well enough to talk with every one. But seeing that it is you, +gentlemen, it is another story. If you will be so good as to wait a +moment, gentlemen, I will announce you. But there's some one else +knocking. Whom do you want to see, my good man? + +(Enter a Man.) + +MAN (feeling in his breeches pocket). I should like to have the +honor of talking with the burgomaster. + +HENRICH (aside). This man knows the ropes: he goes right for his +pocket. (Aloud.) Yes, sir, he is at home. You may speak to him +immediately. + +(Henrich reaches out his hand, but the other instead of money merely +pulls out his watch.) + +MAN. I see it is already four o'clock. + +HENRICH. Who was it you wished to see? + +MAN. The burgomaster. + +HENRICH. He is not at home, sir. + +MAN. You just said that he was at home. + +HENRICH. Perhaps I did, sir, but if I did, I made a mistake. (Exit +Man. Henrich goes on, aside.) Look at that sharper! Now you shall +see if the burgomaster is at your beck and call! (To the lawyers.) I +shall announce you immediately. [Exit + +FIRST LAWYER. Just see how that rascal knows how to fit into his +place already. Keep good countenance, mon frere, it is we who shall +start the plaguing of the good tinker. Our comrades will complete +the tale. But here he comes. + + + +SCENE 2 + + +(Enter Herman and Henrich.) + +FIRST LAWYER. From the bottom of our hearts we wish the honorable +Burgomaster the greatest success in his high position in our city, +and hope that in gentleness, foresight, and vigilance he may not +fall behind his predecessors, inasmuch as his Excellency has made +his way to this high office not through wealth, family, or friends, +but purely by reason of his well-known great virtues, learning, and +experience in affairs of state. + +HERMAN. Tres humble servitoor! + +SECOND LAWYER. Especially do we rejoice that we have now an +administration endowed not only with almost godlike understanding-- + +HERMAN. I thank God-- + +SECOND LAWYER.--but one who has the reputation of being friendly to +all and of making it his greatest delight to hear the people's +grievances and to help to right them. I may say that I almost +fainted with joy when I first heard the news that the choice had +fallen on Burgomaster von Bremen. + +HENRICH. You must say "Bremenfeld," gentlemen. + +SECOND LAWYER. I humbly beg your pardon: I should say, "Burgomaster +von Bremenfeld." To-day we have come here, in the first place to +extend our respectful congratulations; in the second place to +consult your Magnificence on a difference that has arisen between +our clients, which difference we had both agreed to have judged +according to the common law of the land and the statutes. But we +subsequently changed our mind and decided, in order to save time and +costs, to submit ourselves to your judgment, and we promise to abide +by that. + +(Herman sits down, leaving the others standing.) + +FIRST LAWYER. Our clients are neighbors, but there is running water +separating their land. Now it happened that three years ago the +water loosened a large piece of earth from my client's estate and +deposited it on my opponent's field. Shall he now own it? Is it not +stated: Nemo alterius damno debet locupletari? Here his client +wishes to enrich himself at my client's expense, which aperte +conflicts with aequitatem naturalem. Is that not so, Mr. +Burgomaster? + +HERMAN. Of course; it is unjust to ask that. You are right, +monsieur! + +SECOND LAWYER. But does not Justinian say expressly, libro secundo +Institutionum, titulo prima, de Alluvione... + +HERMAN. What the deuce do I care for what Justinian or Alexander the +Great says? They lived a few thousand years, perhaps, before Hamburg +was founded. How can they decide in cases which didn't exist in +their time? + +SECOND LAWYER. I hope, however, that your Honor is not going to +reject the laws that all Germany has submitted to. + +HERMAN. That was not the way I meant it; you misunderstood me, I +only meant to say--(He has a coughing fit.) Kindly continue your +case. + +SECOND LAWYER. There are the words of Justinian: Quod per alluvionem +agro tuo flumen adjecit, jure gentium tibi acquiritur. + +HERMAN. Mr. Lawyer, you speak so devilish fast--say that over, more +distinctly. (The lawyer repeats the Latin slowly.) Monsieur, you +have a devilish bad Latin pronunciation. Speak your mother-tongue, +and you will do better. I don't say this because I have any +prejudice against Latin, for I sometimes sit and talk Latin with my +servant for hours at a time. Isn't that so, Henrich? + +HENRICH. It is wonderful to hear his Honor talk Latin; I swear the +tears come into my eyes when I think of it. It is like listening to +peas boiling in a pot, the words come so quickly from his mouth. The +devil himself doesn't know how a man can manage to talk so fluently. +But what won't long practice do for you? + +SECOND LAWYER. Justinian's words, your Magnificence, are as follows: +Whatsoever a river wears off another's field and casts up on yours, +that belongs to you. + +HERMAN. Yes, Justinian is right so far, for he was a fine man. I +have much too much respect for him to question his decision. + +FIRST LAWYER. But, your Honor, my opponent interprets law as the +devil does the Bible. He forgets what follows right after: Per +alluvionem autem videtur id adjici, quod ita paulatim adjicitur, ut +intellegere non possis, quantum quoquo temporis momenta adjiciatur. + +HERMAN. Messieurs! I must go to the City Hall. The clock has just +struck half-past four. Henrich! See to it that you adjust this suit +in the entry. + +FIRST LAWYER. Ah, your Honor! Give us your opinion in a word. + +HERMAN. Messieurs, you are both right, each one in his own way. + +SECOND LAWYER. How can we both be right? I maintain that if I am +right, my antagonist is wrong. The law of Justinian is expressly in +my favor. + +HERMAN. Excuse me, I must be off to the City Hall immediately. + +FIRST LAWYER (seizing hold of him). I have certainly proved that +Justinian's opinion is on my side. + +HERMAN. Yes, that is so. Justinian is for both of you. Why the +devil, then, don't you compromise? You don't know Justinian as well +as I do; when he wears the mantle on both shoulders, it is as much +as to say: Get out, you scurvy-necks, and compromise! + +SECOND LAWYER. Your Honor, in order to grasp the jurist's meaning +correctly, one must compare one article with another. Is it not +written in the very next paragraph: Quodsi vis fluminis de tuo +praedio--? + +HERMAN. Here, let me go, you pettifoggers! Don't you hear me say I +must go to the City Hall? + +FIRST LAWYER. Oh, your Honor! A moment! Let us now hear what Hugo +Grotius says. + +HERMAN. To the devil with both you and Hugo Grotius! What have I to +do with Hugo Grotius? He was an Arminian. What in the devil have +laws to do with us that people make way off in Armenia? Henrich, put +them straight out the door. [Exeunt Lawyers. + + + +SCENE 3 + + +(Henrich remains in the entry squabbling with some one, then shoots +in headfirst, followed by a man dressed up as a woman.) + +WOMAN (taking the Burgomaster by the lapels of his and screaming). +Oh, what kind of a government is this that passes such damnable laws +that a man may have two wives? Do you think that the judgment of God +isn't on you? + +HERMAN. Are you mad, woman? Who the devil ever thought of such a +thing? + +WOMAN. Hey, hey, hey! I shall not go away until I have your heart's +blood! + +HERMAN. A--ah, help! Henrich! Peiter! + +(Enter Peiter. He drags the woman off. Henrich, who has been hiding, +finally comes on and helps him out. Exeunt struggling.) + + + +SCENE 4 + + +HERMAN. Henrich, there will be trouble for you if you let in any +more women or lawyers after this, for both of them kill me in their +own way. If any others come and want to talk to me, you must tell +them to be careful not to talk Latin, as I have given it up for a +special reason. + +HENRICH. I have given it up, too, for just the same reason. + +HERMAN. You can say that I talk only Greek. + +(Another knock. Henrich goes to the door and returns with a huge +bundle of papers.) + +HENRICH. Here is a heap of papers from the syndics, which the +burgomaster must look over and give his opinion on. + +(Herman sits down at a table and fumbles among the papers.) + +HERMAN. It isn't so easy to be a burgomaster as I thought, Henrich. +I've got some things here to look over that the devil himself +couldn't make sense of. (Begins to write, gets sweat from his brow, +sits down, and scratches out what he wrote before.) Henrich! + +HENRICH. Mr. Burgomaster! + +HERMAN. What's that noise you are making? Can't you keep quiet? + +HENRICH. I'm not moving, Mr. Burgomaster. + +HERMAN (gets up, wipes his face, and throws his wig upon the floor, +to see if he can think better with his head bare. He steps over the +wig, kicks it to one side, sits down to write again, and calls out). +Henrich! + +HENRICH. Mr. Burgomaster! + +HERMAN. You 'll get into trouble if you don't stand still. That's +the second time you have interrupted my train of thought. + +HENRICH. Honestly I didn't do anything but tuck my shirt in and +measure on my leg how much too long my livery coat is. + +HERMAN (gets up again and pummels his forehead with his fists to +make the thoughts come). Henrich! + +HENRICH. Mr. Burgomaster! + +HERMAN. Go out and tell the women that are hawking oysters on the +street that they mustn't yell in the street I live in, because they +disturb my political deliberations. + +HENRICH (calls from the doorway, three times in succession). Listen, +you oyster-women! You rabble! You carrion! You shameless wenches! +You married men's whores! Is there no decency in you, that you dare +to yell like that in the burgomaster's street and disturb him in his +business? + +HERMAN. Henrich! + +HENRICH. Mr. Burgomaster! + +HERMAN. Shut up, you brute! + +HENRICH. It does no good, anyhow, to shout any more, because the +town is full of people like that, and as soon as one goes by another +comes in his place and-- + +HERMAN. No more talk. Stand still and keep your mouth shut. (Sits +down, and again scratches out what he has written; writes more, gets +up, stamps in anger, and calls.) Henrich! + +HENRICH. Mr. Burgomaster! + +HERMAN. I wish the devil would run off with this burgomastership. Do +you want to be burgomaster in my place? + +HENRICH. I'd rather be damned. (Aside.) And any one who would want +the office deserves to be damned. + +HERMAN (tries to sit down and go on writing, but he absent-mindedly +picks the wrong place and lands on the floor). Henrich! + +HENRICH. Mr. Burgomaster! + +HERMAN. I'm lying on the floor. + +HENRICH. So I see. + +HERMAN. Come help me up. + +HENRICH. But the burgomaster has just said I mustn't move from where +I stand. + +HERMAN. That boy is damnable. (Gets up unassisted.) Isn't some one +knocking? + +HENRICH. Yes. (Goes to the door.) Whom do you want? + +CITIZEN (off stage). I am the alderman of the hatters' guild, and I +have a complaint to make to the burgomaster. + +HENRICH. Here's the alderman of the hatters with some grievances. + +HERMAN. Oh, I can't keep more than one thing in my head at a time. +Ask him what it is. (Henrich asks what he wants.) + +CITIZEN. It's too long. I must speak to the burgomaster in person. +It can be attended to in an hour, for my complaint consists of only +twenty points. + +HENRICH. He says he must talk to the burgomaster in person, for his +point consists of only twenty complaints. + +HERMAN. Oh, God help me, poor man, I am all jumbled up in my head +already. Let him in. + + + +ACT FIFTH + +SCENE 5 + + +(Enter the Citizen.) + +CITIZEN. Ah, honored Burgomaster, poor man that I am, I have +suffered great injustice, which the burgomaster will at once +understand when he has heard about it. + +HERMAN. You must put it in writing. + +CITIZEN. Here it is, all written out, in four sheets. + +HERMAN. Henrich! Some one is knocking again. + +HENRICH. Whom do you want to talk to? + +ANOTHER CITIZEN (off stage). I have a complaint to lodge before the +burgomaster against the alderman of the hatters' guild. + +HERMAN. Who is that, Henrich? + +HENRICH. It is this man's adversary. + +Herman. Make him hand you his memorial. Both you good men wait in +the anteroom meanwhile. + +[Exit the Citizen. + + + +SCENE 6 + + +HERMAN. Henrich! + +HENRICH. Yes, sir! + +HERMAN. Can't you help me put this to rights? I don't know what to +do first. Read aloud that hatter's statement. + +HENRICH (falteringly reads). "Noble, learned, stern, and steadfast +Burgomaster. As the first-fruits of the worthy company of lawful +citizens of this glorious city, I the undersigned, N. N., present +myself, unworthy Alderman of the worthy Hatters' Guild; and after +having extended congratulations both respectful and hearty on a man +so worthy and highly raised on high to so height, in deepest +humility submit for your consideration one of the greatest, most +dangerous, and abominable abuses which wicked times and still more +wicked men have brought into practice in this city, in hope that +your Magnificence will afford a remedy. This, then, is the case: The +hucksters here in the city, utterly without fear or shame, openly +sell and offer for sale whole pieces of a sort of cloth which they +cause to be woven of beaver--indeed they even descend to the dismal +audacity of having stockings made of it--though it is well known +that beaver-hair belongs exclusively to our profession, whereby we +poor hatters are unable at any price to obtain the hair necessary +for the pursuit of our means of subsistence, especially as good +people have got into such a way that few will pay, as they used to +do, from ten to twenty rix-dollars for a hat, to the irreparable +damage of the reputation and profit of our trade. If it might now +please his Magnificence the Burgomaster to consider the appended +twenty-four weighty causes and reasons which have led us hat-makers +presumably to presume that we alone are entitled to work in beaver, +to wit: + +(1) that since ancient times it has been a universal usage and +custom of the country, not only this country but over the whole +world, to wear beaver hats, as can be proved by manifold citations +from history and by legally sworn witnesses, (a) As to history--" + +HERMAN. Skip the history. + +HENRICH. "(b) As to witnesses, Adrian Nilsen, in the seventy-ninth +year of his age, can remember that his father's great-grandfather +said--" + +HERMAN. Skip what he said, too. + +HENRICH. "(2) That it is an immoderate luxury to use such expensive +hair for stockings and clothes, a practice at variance with all good +order and usage, especially since there are so many expensive cloths +imported from England, France, and Holland that one might well be +satisified without depriving an honest man of his living--" + +HERMAN. Enough, enough! Henrich! I see that the master is right. + +HENRICH. But I have heard that an official ought always to hear both +sides before he makes his decision. Shall I not read the opponents' +retort also? + +HERMAN. To be sure. (He hands him the other memorial.) + +HENRICH (reads). "High-born Excellency, highly enlightened and highly +statesmanlike Burgomaster. As high as your understanding soars above +others', so high soared my joy above others' when I heard that you +had become burgomaster; but what I have come for is because the +hatters are annoying me and do not want to let me sell fabrics and +stockings made of beaver. I understand well enough what they want: +they want to have the business in beaver all to themselves and have +beaver used for nothing but hats; but they do not understand the +situation. It is idiotic to wear beaver hats: men go about with them +under their arms, they are neither warm nor useful, and a straw hat +would do just as well. On the other hand, beaver stockings and +clothing are both warm and soft, and if the burgomaster had only +tried them, as he may in time, he would see for himself." + +HERMAN. Stop, that is enough; this man is right, too. + +HENRICH. But I am sure they can't both be right. + +HERMAN. Which is right, then? + +HENRICH. That our Lord and the burgomaster must know. + +HERMAN (gets up and walks to and fro). This is devilish nonsense, +Henrich! Can't you tell me, you stupid animal, who is right? Why +should I give a dog like you board and wages? (A racket outside.) +What's the noise in the hall? + +HENRICH. The two citizens have each other by the hair. + +HERMAN. Go out and bid them respect the burgomaster's house. + +HENRICH. It is better, sir, to let them fight, so they may perhaps +become good friends again all the sooner. Gracious! I think they +will break in; listen how they are beating on the door! (Herman +crawls under the table.) Who knocks? + +A LACKEY (outside). I have come from a foreign resident. My master +has something to discuss with the burgomaster which is most +important. + +HENRICH. Where the deuce is the burgomaster? Has the devil flown off +with the burgomaster? Mr. Burgomaster! + +HERMAN (under the tables-whispering). Henrich! Who was that? + +HENRICH. A foreign president wants to talk with your Honor. + +HERMAN. Tell him to come again in half an hour, and say that there +are two hat-makers here to see me whom I must despatch. Henrich! Ask +the citizens to go away till to-morrow. Oh, God help me, poor man! I +am so jumbled up in my head that I don't know myself what I am +saying or doing. Can't you help me to get it straightened out, +Henrich? + +HENRICH (returning from the door), I know no better advice for his +Honor than to go and hang himself. + +HERMAN. Go and get me The Political Stockfish. It is lying on the +sitting-room table--a German book in a white binding. Perhaps I can +find in it how I should receive foreign presidents. + +HENRICH. Does the burgomaster want mustard and butter with it? + +HERMAN. No, it is a book in a white binding. (Exit Henrich. While he +is gone Herman absent-mindedly tears the hatters' document to +pieces. Reenter Henrich with the book.} + +HENRICH. Here is the book. But what is it, sir, that you are tearing +up? I believe it's the master hatters' complaint. + +HERMAN. Oh, I did that without thinking. (He takes the book and +throws it on the floor.) I believe, Henrich, I had better take your +advice and hang myself. + +HENRICH. Oh, Lord! Another knock! (Exit. Reenter in tears.) Oh, Mr. +Burgomaster! Help, Mr. Burgomaster! + +HERMAN. What's up? + +HENRICH. There is a whole regiment of sailors in front of the door +yelling, "If we don't get justice, we shall smash all the +burgomaster's windows in." One of them hit me in the back with a +stone. Oh, oh, oh! + +HERMAN (crawls under the table again). Henrich, ask Madam +Burgomaster to come hold them in check. They may show respect for a +woman. + +HENRICH. Yes, yes, you shall see how much respect sailors have for a +woman. If she goes out there, they may rape her, and then you would +be worse off in the end than you were in the beginning. + +HERMAN. Oh, but she is an old woman. + +HENRICH. Sailors aren't so particular. I shouldn't risk my wife like +that. They are knocking again. Shall I open the door? + +HERMAN. No, I'm afraid it's the sailors. Oh, I wish I were in my +grave. Henrich, run to the door and listen to see who it is. + +HENRICH. Look, they are coming right in. It is two councillors. + + + +SCENE 7 + + +(Enter Abrahams and Sanderus.) + +ABRAHAMS. Isn't the burgomaster at home? + +HENRICH. Yes, he's sitting under the table. Mr. Burgomaster! + +SANDERUS. What? Are you sitting under the table, your Honor? + +HERMAN. Oh, good sirs, I never asked to be made burgomaster. Why +have you got me into all this trouble? + +ABRAHAMS. You certainly accepted it at one time. Do come out, your +Honor! We have come to point out the great wrong you did the foreign +minister when you dismissed him so haughtily-because of which the +city may get into difficulties. We thought that the burgomaster +understood Jus publicum and ceremony better than that. + +HERMAN. Oh, good gentlemen, you can depose me, and then I shall be +relieved of a burden I am too weak to bear, and the foreign minister +will get satisfaction at the same time. + +SANDERUS. Far be it from us, your Honor, to depose you! You must +come with us straight to the City Hall to consider with the syndics +how the error can be remedied. + +HERMAN. I won't go to the City Hall, even if I'm dragged by the +hair. I don't want to be burgomaster, I never did want to be +burgomaster, and I'd rather you killed me. I am a tinker, before God +and honor, and a tinker I shall die. + +SANDERUS. Will you make fools of the entire council? Listen, +colleague, did he not accept the office of burgomaster? + +ABRAHAMS. Certainly, and it is a fact which we have already reported +to the council. + +SANDERUS. We must consider the matter. The whole Senate is not going +to allow itself to be made game of in this way. [Exeunt Abrahams and +Sanderus.] + + + +SCENE 8 + + +HERMAN. Henrich! (He comes out from under the table.) + +HENRICH. Mr. Burgomaster! + +HERMAN. What do you think these councillors are going to do to me? + +HENRICH. I don't know; they were very angry, I could see. I am +surprised that they dared use such language in the burgomaster's own +room. If I had been burgomaster, I should have come right out and +said to them: "Shut up, you scurvy-necks! Stick your fingers on the +floor and smell whose house you are in!" + +HERMAN. I wish you were burgomaster, Henrich! I wish you were +burgomaster! Oh--oh--oh' + +HENRICH. If I might interrupt your business, sir, I should like to +make one humble request, and that is that henceforth I might be +called "von Henrich." + +HERMAN. You shameless rogue! Is this the time to come to me with +such talk, now, when you see that I am caught in a net of nothing +but misfortunes and troublesome business! + +HENRICH. On my word, I don't ask out of ambition, but only to +command a little respect in the house from my fellow servants, +especially from Anneke, who-- + +HERMAN. If you don't shut up, I'll break your neck into little +pieces! Henrich! + +HENRICH. Mr. Burgomaster! + +HERMAN. Can't you help me get this straightened out, you stupid dog? +Look here, if you don't clear up my affairs for me, there'll be +trouble. + +HENRICH. It's a wonder that you should ask such a thing of me, you +who are such a clever man, and have been called to this high station +solely on account of your wisdom. + +HERMAN. Are you going to make fun of me into the bargain? (He picks +up a chair and makes as if to hit him. Henrich runs out.) + + + +SCENE 9 + + +HERMAN (sits down with his head in his hands and ponders a long +time. Then he jumps up, startled). Didn't some one knock? (Goes +softly to the door, but sees no one. He sits down again, and +ponders; falls to weeping, and dries his eyes with papers; he jumps +up again and yells as if he were in a frenzy.) A whole pack of +papers from the syndics! The alderman of the hatters! The alderman's +opponent! Complaint in twenty headings! Riot of sailors! A foreign +president! Impeachment by the council! Threats! Isn't there a rope +here at hand? Yes, I think there really is--there's one behind the +stove. (Takes the rope and prepares a noose.) It was predicted of +me, that I should be elevated by my political studies. The prophecy +will come true, if only the rope holds. Let the council come, then, +with all their threats, I scoff at them, once I am dead. But there +is one thing I could wish for--to see the author of The Political +Stockfish hanged by my side with sixteen copies of The Council of +State and Political Dessert hung round his neck. (Takes the book +from the table and tears it apart.} You brute! You shall never +mislead another honest tinker. So, that's the last bit of comfort +before I die! Now I must look for a hook to hang myself from. It +will be especially noteworthy to have it said after my death: "What +burgomaster in Hamburg was ever more vigilant than Herman von +Bremenfeld, who in his whole term of office never slept a wink?" + + + +SCENE 10 + + +(Herman climbs up on a chair, where he remains all through the +scene. Enter Antonius.) + +ANTONIUS. Here, here! What the devil are you doing? + +HERMAN. I have no intention of doing anything; on the contrary, I am +about to hang myself to avoid everything. If you will keep me +company, it will be a pleasure to me. + +ANTONIUS. Indeed I will not; but what brings you to such a desperate +intention? + +HERMAN. Listen, Antonius! it won't do any good to discuss it. I am +to be hanged; if it doesn't happen to-day, it will happen to-morrow. +I only beg, before I die, that you will pay my respects to Madam +Burgomaster and the young lady, and instruct them to give me the +following epitaph: + + Traveller, stand and heed! + Here hangs + Burgomaster von Bremenfeld, + Who in his whole term of office + Spent not a minute in sleep: + Go forth and do likewise. + +You may not know, dear Antonius, that I have been made burgomaster, +that I have attained a position in which I don't know black from +white, and where I find myself utterly incompetent; for I have +observed, from the various tribulations which I have already met, +that there is a great difference between being the government and +criticising the government. + +ANTONIUS. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! + +HERMAN. Don't laugh at me, Antonius! It is a sin to do it. + +ANTONIUS. Ha, ha, ha! Now I see how it all works out. I was at the +inn just now, and I heard people there bursting with laughter over a +joke which had been played on Herman von Bremen, who had been made +to believe by some young men that he had been elected burgomaster, +to see how he would act. That pained me through and through and I +came straight here, to warn you. + +HERMAN. Ah, then I'm not a burgomaster at all? + +ANTONIUS. No; the story was made out of whole cloth, to show you the +foolishness of arguing about high subjects that you don't +understand. + +HERMAN. Then it's not true about the foreign president? + +ANTONIUS. Certainly not. + +HERMAN. Or the master hatter either? + +ANTONIUS. All fabricated. + +HERMAN. Nor the sailors? + +ANTONIUS. No, no. + +HERMAN. To the devil with hanging, then! Geske! Engelke! Peiter! +Henrich! Come here, all of you! + + + +SCENE 11 + + +(Enter Geske, Engelke, Peiter, Henrich.) + +HERMAN. My dear wife! Go back to work; our burgomaster business is +all over. + +GESKE. Over? + +HERMAN. If I were sure that you used that title out of malice, it +would go hard with you. + +HENRICH. No, indeed, I didn't, master, but it's hard to get things +straight again so quickly. + +HERMAN. Take hands, you two. So, that's the way. To-morrow we shall +have a wedding. Henrich! + +HENRICH. Mr. Burgomaster--Beg your pardon, I mean master! + +HERMAN. Burn up all my political books, for I can't have them before +my eyes any more, after the foolish ideas they put into my head. (To +the audience.) + + To take the leading statesman's part + Is harder far than sneering, + For squinting at a seaman's chart + Is not the whole of steering: + With books on politics at hand + A dolt may criticise, + But judging right our fatherland + Is only for the wise. + All craftsmen who have seen my fate, + Pray, profit by its ending: + Though all's not sound within the state, + That's not our kind of mending. + And when we drop our humble tools + And set us up as thinkers, + We look the sorry lot of fools + That statesmen would as tinkers. + + + + + + +ERASMUS MONTANUS OR RASMUS BERG + +A COMEDY IN FIVE ACTS + +1731 + + + + + +DRAMATIS PERSONAE + +JEPPE BERG, a well-to-do peasant. + +NILLE, his wife. + +RASMUS BERG, called ERASMUS MONTANUS, their elder son a student at +the University. + +JACOB, the younger son. + +JERONIMUS, a wealthy freeholder. + +MAGDELONE, his wife. + +LISBED, their daughter, betrothed to Rasmus. + +PEER, the deacon. + +JESPER, the bailiff. + +A Lieutenant. + +NIELS, the corporal. + +ACTS I, IV, AND V + +SCENE: A milage street, showing Jeppe's house. + +ACTS II AND III A room in Jeppe's house. + + + +ACT I + +SCENE I + + +(A village street showing Jeppe's house. Jeppe, with a letter in his +hand.) + +JEPPE. It is a shame that the deacon is not in town, for there's so +much Latin in my son's letter that I can't understand. Tears come to +my eyes when I think that a poor peasant's son has got so much +book-learning, especially as we aren't tenants of the university. I +have heard from people who know about learning that he can dispute +with any clergyman alive. Oh, if only my wife and I could have the +joy of hearing him preach on the hill, before we die, we shouldn't +grudge all the money we have spent on him! I can see that Peer the +deacon doesn't much relish the idea of my son's coming. I believe +that he is afraid of Rasmus Berg. It is a terrible thing about these +scholarly people. They are so jealous of each other, and no one of +them can endure the thought that another is as learned as he. The +good man preaches fine sermons here in the village and can talk +about envy so that the tears come to my eyes; but it seems to me +that he is n't entirely free from that fault himself. I can't +understand why it should be so. If any one said that a neighbor of +mine understood farming better than I, should I take that to heart? +Should I hate my neighbor for that? No, indeed, Jeppe Berg would +never do such a thing. But if here is n't Peer the deacon! + + + +SCENE 2 + + +(Enter Peer the Deacon.) + +JEPPE. Welcome home again, Peer. + +PEER. Thank you, Jeppe Berg. + +JEPPE. Oh, my dear Peer, I wish you could explain to me some Latin +in my son's last letter. + +PEER. That's nothing! Do you think I don't understand Latin as well +as your son? I am an old Academicus, I'd have you know, Jeppe Berg. + +JEPPE. I know it,--I just wondered if you understood the new Latin, +for that language must change, just as the language of Sjaelland has +done. In my youth the people here on the hill didn't talk the way +they do now; what they now call a "lackey" used to be called a +"boy;" what they now call a "mysterious" used to be called a +"whore;" a "mademoiselle," a "house-maid;" a "musician," a +"fiddler;" and a "secretary," a "clerk." So I suppose Latin may have +changed, too, since you were in Copenhagen. Will you please explain +that? (Pointing to a line in the letter.} I can read the letters, +but I don't get the meaning. + +PEER. Your son writes that he is now studying his Logicam, +Rhetoricam, and Metaphysicam. + +JEPPE. What does Logicam mean? + +PEER. That's his pulpit. + +JEPPE. I'm glad of that. I wish he could become a pastor! + +PEER. But a deacon first. + +JEPPE. What is the second subject? + +PEER. That is Rhetorica, which in Danish means the Ritual. The third +subject must be written wrong, or else it must be in French, because +if it were Latin, I could read it easily. I am able, Jeppe Berg, to +recite the whole Aurora: ala, that's a wing; ancilla, a girl; barba, +a beard; coena, a chamber-pot; cerevisia, ale; campana, a bell; +cella, a cellar; lagena, a bottle; lana, a wolf; ancilla, a girl; +janua, a door; cerevisia, butter;-- + +JEPPE. You must have the devil's own memory, Peer! + +PEER. Yes, I never thought I should have to stay in a +poverty-stricken deacon's-living so long. I could have been +something else years ago, if I had been willing to tie myself to a +girl. But I prefer to help myself rather than have people say of me +that I got a living through my wife. + +JEPPE. But, my dear Peer, here is more Latin that I can't +understand. Look at this line. + +PEER. Die Veneris Hafnia domum profecturus sum. That's rather +high-flown, but I understand it perfectly, though any other man +might cudgel his brains over it. That means in Danish: There is come +profecto a lot of Russes to Copenhagen. + +JEPPE. What are the Russians doing here again? + +PEER. These aren't Muscovites, Jeppe Berg, but young students, who +are called "Russes." + +JEPPE. Oh, I see. I suppose there is a great celebration on the days +when the boys get their salt and bread and become students. + +PEER. When do you expect him home? + +JEPPE. To-day or to-morrow. Wait a bit, my dear Peer; I will run and +tell Nille to bring us out a drink of ale. + +PEER. I'd rather have a glass of brandy--it's early in the day to +drink ale. [Exit Jeppe into house. + + + +SCENE 3 + + +PEER. To tell the truth, I am not very anxious to have Rasmus Berg +come home. Not that I am afraid of his learning, for I was an old +student when he was still at school, getting beatings--saving your +presence--on his rump. They were different fellows who graduated in +my time from what they are now. I graduated from Slagelse School +with Peer Monsen, Rasmus Jespersen, Christen Klim, Mads +Hansen,--whom we used to call Mads Pancake in school,--Poul +Iversen,--whom we called Poul Barlycorn,--all boys with bone in +their skulls and beards on their chins, able to argue on any subject +that might come up. I'm only a deacon, but I'm content so long as I +get my daily bread and understand my office. I have made the income +a deal bigger, and get more than any of my predecessors did; so my +successors won't curse me in my grave. People think that there are +no fine points for a deacon to know, but I can tell you a deacon's +position is a hard one if you want to keep it on such a footing that +it will support a man. Before my time people here in the village +thought one funeral-song as good as another, but I have arranged +things so that I can say to a peasant, "Which hymn will you have? +This one costs so much and this one so much;" and when it comes to +scattering earth on the body, "Will you have fine sand or just +common or garden dirt?" Then there are various other touches that my +predecessor, Deacon Christoffer, had no idea of; but he was +uneducated. I can't understand how the fellow ever came to be a +deacon; yet deacon he was, all the same. I tell you, Latin helps a +man a great deal in every sort of business. I wouldn't give up the +Latin I know for a hundred rix-dollars. It has been worth more than +a hundred rix-dollars to me in my business; yes, that and a hundred +more. + + + +SCENE 4 + + +Enter Nille and Jeppe. + +NILLE (offering the deacon a glass of brandy). Your health, Peer! + +PEER. Thank you, mother. I never drink brandy unless I have a +stomach-ache, but I have a bad stomach most of the time. + +NILLE. Do you know, Peer, my son is coming home to-day or +to-morrow! You'll find him a man you can talk to, for the boy's not +tongue-tied, from all I hear. + +PEER. Yes, I suppose he can talk a lot of Cloister-Latin. + +NILLE. Cloister-Latin? That must be the best Latin, just as +cloister-linen is the best linen. + +PEER. Ha, ha, ha, ha! + +JEPPE. What are you laughing at, Peer? + +PEER. At nothing at all, Jeppe Berg. Just another drop! Your health, +mother! It's true, as you say: cloister-linen is good linen, but-- + +NILLE. If that linen isn't made in a cloister, why is it called +cloister-linen? + +PEER. Yes, that's right enough, ha, ha, ha! But won't you give me a +bite to eat with my brandy? + +NILLE. Here's a little bread and cheese already cut, if you will eat +it. (Gets a plate from the house.) + +PEER. Thank you, mother. Do you know what bread is in Latin? + +NILLE. No, indeed, I don't. + +PEER (eating and talking at the same time). It's called panis; +genitive, pani; dative, pano; vocative, panus; ablative, pano. + +JEPPE. Goodness, Peer! That language is long-winded. What is coarse +bread in Latin? + +PEER. That's panis gravis; and fine bread is panis finis. + +JEPPE. Why, that's half Danish! + +PEER. True. There are many Latin words that were originally Danish. +I'll tell you why: there was once an old rector at the school in +Copenhagen, called Saxo Grammatica, who improved Latin in this +country, and wrote a Latin grammar, and that's why he was called +Saxo Grammatica. This same Saxo greatly enriched the Latin language +with Danish words, for in his day Latin was so poor that a man +couldn't write one sentence which people could understand. + +JEPPE. But what does that word "Grammatica" mean? + +PEER. The same as "Donat." When it is bound in a Turkish cover it is +called "Donat," but when it's in white parchment it's called +"Grammatica," and declined just like ala. + +NILLE. I never shall see how people can keep so much in their head. +My head swims just from hearing them talk about it. + +JEPPE. That's why learned folk usually aren't quite right in their +heads. + +NILLE. What nonsense! Do you think our son Rasmus Berg isn't quite +right? + +JEPPE. It only seems a little queer, mother, that he should write a +Latin letter to me. + +PEER. Jeppe's right there, certainly. That was a little foolish. It +is just as if I were to talk Greek to the bailiff, to show him that +I understood the language. + +JEPPE. Do you know Greek, Peer? + +PEER. Why, twenty years ago I could repeat the whole Litany in +Greek, standing on one foot. I still remember that the last word was +"Amen." + +JEPPE. Oh, Peer, it will be splendid, when my son comes back, to get +you two together! + +PEER. If he wants to dispute with me, he will find that I can hold +my own; and if he wants to have a singing match with me, he will get +the worst of it. I once had a singing contest with ten deacons and +beat every one of them, for I outsang them in the Credo, all ten of +them. Ten years ago I was offered the position of choir-master in +Our Lady's School, but I didn't want it. Why should I take it, +Jeppe? Why should I leave my parish, which loves and honors me, and +which I love and honor in return? I live in a place where I earn my +daily bread, and where I am respected by every one. The governor +himself never comes here but he sends for me at once to pass the +time with him and sing for him. Last year on this occasion he gave +me two marks for singing "Ut, re, mi, fa, sol." He swore that he +took more pleasure in that than in the best vocal music he had heard +in Copenhagen. If you give me another glass of brandy, Jeppe, I will +sing the same thing for you. + +JEPPE. Do, please. Pour another glass of brandy, Nille. + +[Exit Nille.] + +PEER. I don't sing for every one, but you are my good friend, Jeppe, +whom I serve with pleasure. (He sings.) Ut, re, mi, fa, sol, la, si, +ut; now down--ut, si, la, sol, fa, mi, re, ut. (Reenter Nille with +brandy. He drinks.} Now you shall hear how high I can go. Ut, re, +mi, fa, sol, la, si, ut, re, mi, fa, sol, la, si, ut, re-- + +JEPPE. Heavens! That last was fine. Our little pigs can't go any +higher with a squeak. + +PEER. Now I will sing rapidly: Ut, re, mi, re--No! that wasn't +right. Ut, re, mi, do, re, mi, ut--No, that went wrong, too. It's +cursed hard, Jeppe, to sing so fast. But there comes Monsieur +Jeronimus. + + + +SCENE 5 + + +(Enter Jeronimus, Magdelone, and Lisbed.) + +JERONIMUS. Good morning, kinsman! Have you any news from your son? + +JEPPE. Yes; he is coming to-day or to-morrow. + +LISBED. Oh, is it possible? Then my dream has come true. + +JERONIMUS. What did you dream? + +LISBED. I dreamed that I slept with him last night. + +MAGEDELONE. There is something in dreams, I tell you. Dreams are not +to be despised. + +JERONIMUS. That's true enough, but if you girls didn't think so much +about the menfolk in the daytime, you wouldn't have so many dreams +about them at night. I suppose you used to dream just as much about +me in the days when we were engaged, Magdelone? + +MAGEDELONE. I did, indeed, but upon my word I haven't dreamed about +you for some years now. + +JERONIMUS. That's because your love isn't as hot now as it used to +be. + +LISBED. But is it possible that Rasmus Berg is coming home +to-morrow? + +JERONIMUS. Come, daughter, you shouldn't show that you are so much +in love. + +LISBED. Oh, but is it sure that he is coming home to-morrow? + +JERONIMUS. Yes, yes; you hear, don't you, that's when he is coming? + +LISBED. How long is it till to-morrow, father dear? + +JERONIMUS. What confounded nonsense! These people in love act as if +they were crazy. + +LISBED. I tell you, I shall count every hour. + +JERONIMUS. You should ask how long an hour is, so that people would +think that you were completely mad. Stop this twaddle and let us +elders talk together.--Listen, my dear Jeppe Berg! Do you think it +is wise for these two young people to marry before he gets a +position? + +JEPPE. That is as you think best. I can support them well enough, +but it would be better that he should get a position first. + +JERONIMUS. I don't think it would be wise for them to marry until +then. (Lisbed weeps and wails.) Fie, shame on you! It's a disgrace +for a girl to carry on so! + +LISBED (sobbing). Can't he get a position soon, then? + +JEPPE. There's no doubt about it; he'll get a position soon enough, +for from what I hear he is so learned he can read any book there is. +He wrote me a Latin letter just lately. + +NILLE. And, marry, it's one that can stand alone, as the deacon can +tell you. + +LISBED. Was it so well written? + +PEER. Yes, well written for one so young. He may amount to +something, Mamsell! But there's a lot left to learn. I thought I was +learned, myself, at his age, but-- + +JEPPE. Yes, you learned folk never praise one another-- + +PEER. Nonsense! Do you think I am jealous of him? Before he was born +I had been up for a flogging before the school three times, and when +he was in the fourth form I had been eight years a deacon. + +JEPPE. One man may have a better head than another; one may learn as +much in a year as others in ten. + +PEER. For that matter, the deacon dares set his head against any +one's. + +JERONIMUS. Yes, yes, you may both be right. Let us go home, +children. Good-bye, Jeppe! I happened to be passing, and I thought I +might as well talk to you on the way. + +LISBED. Be sure to let me know as soon as he comes! + +[Exeunt Jeronimus, Magdelone, and Lisbed. + + + +SCENE 6 + + +(Enter Jacob.) + +JEPPE. What do you want, Jacob? + +JACOB. Father! Have you heard the news? Rasmus Berg is back. + +JEPPE. Heavens, is it possible! How does he look? + +JACOB. Oh, he looks mighty learned. Rasmus Nielsen, who drove him, +swears that he did nothing all the way but dispute with himself in +Greek and Elamite; and sometimes with so much zeal that he struck +Rasmus Nielsen in the back of the neck three or four times, with his +clenched fist, shouting all the while, "Probe the Major! Probe the +Major!" I suppose he must have had a dispute with a major before he +started out. Part of the way he sat still and stared at the moon and +the stars with such a rapt expression that he fell off the wagon +three times and nearly broke his neck from sheer learning. Rasmus +Nielsen laughed at that, and said to himself, "Rasmus Berg may be a +wise man in the heavens, but he is a fool on earth." + +JEPPE. Let us go and meet him. Come with us, dear Peer. It may be +that he has forgotten his Danish and won't be able to talk anything +but Latin. In that case you can be interpreter. + +PEER (aside). Not if I know it! (Aloud.) I have other things to +attend to. + + + +ACT II + +SCENE I + + +[A room in Jeppe's house. Montanus (whose stockings are falling down +around his ankles).] + +MONTANUS. I have been away from Copenhagen only a day, and I miss it +already. If I didn't have my good books with me, I couldn't exist in +the country. Studia secundas res ornant, adversis solatium praebent. +I feel as if I had lost something, after going three days without a +disputation. I don't know whether there are any learned folk in the +village, but if there are, I shall set them to work, for I can't +live without disputation. I can't talk much to my poor parents, for +they are simple folk and know hardly anything beyond their +catechism; so I can't find much comfort in their conversation. The +deacon and the schoolmaster are said to have studied, but I don't +know how much that has amounted to; still, I shall see what they are +good for. My parents were astonished to see me so early, for they +had not expected me to travel by night from Copenhagen. (He strikes +a match, lights his pipe, and puts the bowl of his pipe through a +hole he has made in his hat.) That's what they call smoking +studentikos--it's a pretty good invention for any one who wants to +write and smoke at the same time. (Sits down and begins to read.) + + + +SCENE 2 + + +(Enter Jacob. He kisses his own hand and extends it to his brother.) + +JACOB. Welcome home again, my Latin brother! + +MONTANUS. I am glad to see you, Jacob. But as for being your +brother, that was well enough in the old days, but it will hardly do +any more. + +JACOB. How so? Aren't you my brother? + +MONTANUS. Of course I don't deny, you rogue, that I am your brother +by birth, but you must realize that you are still a peasant boy, +whereas I am a Bachelor of Philosophy. But listen, Jacob,--how are +my sweetheart and her father? + +JACOB. Very well. They were here a while ago and asked how soon +brother would be at home. + +MONTANUS. Brother again! It's not from mere pride that I object, +Jacob, but it simply won't do. + +JACOB. Then what shall I call you, brother? + +MONTANUS. You must call me "Monsieur Montanus," for that is what I +am called in Copenhagen. + +JACOB. If I could only keep it in my head. Was it "Monsieur +Dromedarius"? + +MONTANUS. Can't you hear? I say "Monsieur Montanus." + +JACOB. Mossur Montanus, Mossur Montanus. + +MONTANUS. That's right. "Montanus" in Latin is the same as "Berg" in +Danish. + +JACOB. Then can't I be called "Jacob Montanus"? + +MONTANUS. When you have been to school as long as I have and passed +your examinations, then you can give yourself a Latin name, too; but +as long as you are a peasant boy, you must be satisfied with plain +Jacob Berg. By the way, have you noticed that my sweetheart has been +longing for me? + +JACOB. Indeed she has. She has been very impatient at your staying +away so long, brother. + +MONTANUS. There you go again, yokel! + +JACOB. I meant to say: Mossur's sweetheart has been impatient +because brother stayed away so long. + +MONTANUS. Well, I'm here now, Jacob, and all for her sake; but I +shall not stay very long, for as soon as we've had the wedding I +shall take her to Copenhagen with me. + +JACOB. Won't Mossur take me along? + +MONTANUS. What would you do there? + +JACOB. I should like to look around in the world a bit. + +MONTANUS. I wish you were six or seven years younger, so that I +could put you into a Latin school, and then you could be a college +man, too. + +JABOC. No, that wouldn't do. + +MONTANUS. Why not? + +JABOC. If that happened, our parents would have to go begging. + +MONTANUS. Hear how the fellow talks! + +JACOB. Oh, I am full of ideas. If I had studied, I should have been +the devil of a rogue. + +MONTANUS. I have been told that you had a good head. But what else +should you like to do in Copenhagen? + +JACOB. I should like to see the Round Tower and the cloister where +they make the linen. + +MONTANUS. Ha, ha, ha! They're busy with other things besides +linen-making in the cloister. But tell me, has my future +father-in-law as much money as they say? + +JACOB. He surely has. He is a rich old man, and owns nearly a third +of the village. + +MONTANUS. Have you heard whether he intends to give his daughter a +dowry? + +JACOB. Oh, I think he will give her a good one, especially if he +once hears Mossur preach here in the village. + +MONTANUS. That will never happen. I should lower myself too much by +preaching here in the country. Besides, I am interested only in +disputation. + +JACOB. I thought it was better to be able to preach. + +MONTANUS. Do you know what disputation really means? + +JACOB. Of course! I dispute every day here at home with the maids, +but I don't gain anything by it. + +MONTANUS. Oh, we have plenty of that kind of disputation. + +JACOB. What is it, then, that Mossur disputes about? + +MONTANUS. I dispute about weighty and learned matters. For example: +whether angels were created before men; whether the earth is round +or oval; about the moon, sun, and stars, their size and distance +from the earth; and other things of a like nature. + +JACOB. That's not the sort of thing I dispute about, for that's not +the sort of thing that concerns me. If only I can get the servants +to work, they can say the world is eight-cornered, for all I care. + +MONTANUS. Oh, animal brutum!--Listen, Jacob, do you suppose any one +has let my sweetheart know that I have come home? + +JACOB. I don't believe so. + +MONTANUS. Then you had better run over to Master Jeronimus's and +inform him of the event. + +JACOB. Yes, I can do that, but shall I not tell Lisbed first? + +MONTANUS. Lisbed? Who is that? + +JACOB. Don't you know, brother, that your betrothed's name is +Lisbed? + +MONTANUS. Have you forgotten all I have just taught you, you rascal? + +JACOB. You may call me "rascal" as much as you like, but I'm your +brother just the same. + +MONTANUS. If you don't shut up, I'll profecto hit you over the head +with this book. + +JACOB. It wouldn't be proper to throw the Bible at people. + +MONTANUS. This is no Bible. + +JACOB. Marry, I know a Bible when I see one. That book is big enough +to be the Bible. I can see that it's not a Gospel Book, nor a +Catechism. But whatever it is, it's a bad thing to throw books at +your brother. + +MONTANUS. Shut up, rascal! + +JACOB. I may be a rascal, but I earn with my hands the money for my +parents that you spend. + +MONTANUS. If you don't shut up, I'll maim you. (Throws the book at +him.) + +JACOB. Ow, ow, ow! + + + +SCENE 3 + + +(Enter Jeppe and Nille.) + +JEPPE. What is all this noise? + +JACOB. Oh, my brother Rasmus is beating me. + +NILLE. What does this mean? He wouldn't hit you without good reason. + +MONTANUS. No, mother, that is so. He comes here and bandies words +with me as though he were my equal. + +NILLE. What a devil's own rogue! Don't you know enough to respect +such a learned man? Don't you know that he is an honor to our whole +family? My dear and respected son, you mustn't pay any attention to +him, he is an ignorant lout. + +MONTANUS. I sit here speculating about important questions, and this +importunissimus and audacissimus juvenis comes and hinders me. It is +no child's play to have to deal with these transcendentalibus. I +wouldn't have had it happen for two marks. + +JEPPE. Oh, don't be angry, my dear son! This shall never happen +again. I am so much afraid that my honored son has allowed himself +to get over-excited. Learned folk can't stand many shocks. I know +that Peer the deacon got excited once and didn't recover for three +days. + +MONTANUS. Peer the deacon! Is he learned? + +JEPPE. I should say he was! As far back as I can remember, we have +never had a deacon here in the village who could sing as well as he +can. + +MONTANUS. For all that, he may have no learning at all. + +JEPPE. He preaches beautifully, too. + +MONTANUS. For all that, too, he might have no learning at all. + +NILLE. Oh, honored son! How can a man lack learning if he preaches +well? + +MONTANUS. Surely, mother! All the ignorant folk preach well, for +inasmuch as they can't compose anything out of their own heads, they +use borrowed sermons, and learn good men's compositions by heart, +though sometimes they don't understand them themselves. A learned +man, on the other hand, won't use such methods; he composes out of +his own head. Believe me, it is a common mistake in this country to +judge a student's learning altogether too much from his sermons. But +let the fellow dispute as I do--there's the touchstone of learning. +If any one says this table is a candlestick, I will justify the +statement. If any one says that meat or bread is straw, I will +justify that, too; that has been done many a time. Listen, father! +Will you admit that the man who drinks well is blessed? + +JEPPE. I think rather that he is accursed, for a man can drink +himself out of both reason and money. + +MONTANUS. I will prove that he is blessed. Quicunque bene bibit, +bene dormit. But, no,--you don't understand Latin; I must say it in +Danish. Whoever drinks well, sleeps well. Isn't that so? + +JEPPE. That's true enough, for when I am half-drunk I sleep like a +horse. + +MONTANUS. He who sleeps well does not sin. Isn't that true, too? + +JEPPE. True, too; so long as a man's asleep he doesn't sin. + +MONTANUS. He who does not sin is blessed. + +JEPPE. That is also true. + +MONTANUS. Ergo: he who drinks well is blessed.--Little mother, I +will turn you into a stone. + +NILLE. Oh, nonsense! That is more than even learning can do. + +MONTANUS. You shall hear whether it is or not. A stone cannot fly. + +NILLE. No, indeed it can't, unless it is thrown. + +MONTANUS. You cannot fly. + +NILLE. That is true, too. + +MONTANUS. Ergo: little mother is a stone. (Nille cries.} Why are you +crying, little mother? + +NILLE. Oh! I am so much afraid that I shall turn into a stone. My +legs already begin to feel cold. + +MONTANUS. Don't worry, little mother. I will immediately turn you +into a human being again. A stone neither thinks nor talks. + +NILLE. That is so. I don't know whether it can think or not, but it +surely cannot talk. + +MONTANUS. Little mother can talk. + +NILLE. Yes, thank God, I talk as well as a poor peasant woman can! + +MONTANUS. Good! Ergo: little mother is no stone. + +NILLE. Ah! That did me good! Now I am beginning to feel like myself +again. Faith, it must take strong heads to study. I don't see how +your brains can stand it.--Jacob, after this you shall wait on your +brother; you have nothing else to do. If your parents see that you +annoy him, you shall get as many blows as your body can stand. + +MONTANUS. Little mother, I should like very much to break him of the +habit of calling me "brother." It is not decent for a peasant boy to +call a learned man "brother." I should like to have him call me +"Monsieur." + +JEPPE. Do you hear that, Jacob? When you speak to your brother after +this, you are to call him Mossur. + +MONTANUS. I should like to have the deacon invited here to-day, so +that I can see what he is good for. + +JEPPE. Yes, surely, it shall be done. + +MONTANUS. In the mean time I will go to visit my sweetheart. + +NILLE. But I am afraid it is going to rain. Jacob can cany your +cloak for you. + +MONTANUS. Jacob. + +JACOB. Yes, Mossur. + +MONTANUS. Walk behind me and carry my cloak. + +[Exit Montanus followed by Jacob bearing the cloak.] + + + +SCENE 4 + + +JEPPE. Haven't we cause to be pleased with a son like that, Nille? + +NILLE. Yes, indeed, not a penny has been wasted on him. + +JEPPE. We shall hear to-day what the deacon is good for. But I am +afraid that he won't come if he hears that Rasmus Berg is +here,--there is no need of our letting him know that. We will write +the bailiff, too; he is glad enough to come, for he likes our ale. + +NILLE. It is very dangerous, husband, to treat the bailiff; a man +like that mustn't find out how our affairs stand. + +JEPPE. He is welcome to know. Every man here in the village is aware +that we are well-to-do folks. As long as we pay our taxes and land +rent, the bailiff can't touch a hair of our head. + +NILLE. Oh, dear husband, I wonder if it is too late to let our Jacob +get an education. Just think, if he could be a learned lad like his +brother, what a joy it would be for his old parents! + +JEPPE. No, wife, one is enough; we must have one at home who can +give us a hand and do our work. + +NILLE. Oh, at such work as that a man cannot do more than live from +hand to mouth. Rasmus Berg, who is a scholar, can do our family more +good, with his brain, in an hour than the other in a year. + +JEPPE. That makes no difference, little mother; our fields must be +tilled and our crops looked after. We can't possibly get along +without Jacob. Look, here he is now, coming back again! + + + +SCENE 5 + + +Enter Jacob. + +JACOB. Ha! ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! My brother may be a very learned +man, but he is a great simpleton for all that. + +NILLE. You wicked rascal! Do you call your brother a simpleton? + +JACOB. I really don't know what I ought to call such a thing, little +mother. It rained until it poured, and yet he let me walk along +behind him with the cloak on my arm. + +JEPPE. Couldn't you have been civil enough to have said, "Mossur, it +is raining. Won't you put on your cloak?" + +JACOB. It seems to me, little father, it would have been very +strange for me to say to the person whose parents had spent so much +money upon him to teach him wisdom and cleverness, when so much rain +was falling on him that he was wet to his shirt, "It is raining, +sir; won't you put on your cloak?" He had no need of my warning; the +rain gave him warning enough. + +JEPPE. Did you walk the whole way, then, with the cloak on your arm? + +JACOB. Marry, I did not; I wrapped myself up comfortably in the +cloak; so my clothes are perfectly dry. I understand that sort of +thing better than he, though I've not spent so much money learning +wisdom. I grasped it at once, although I don't know one Latin letter +from another. + +JEPPE. Your brother was plunged in thought, as deeply learned folk +usually are. + +JACOB. Ha, ha! the devil split such learning! + +JEPPE. Shut up, you rogue, or shame on your mouth! What does it +matter if your brother is absent-minded about such things as that, +when in so many other matters he displays his wisdom and the fruit +of his studies? + +JACOB. Fruit of his studies! I shall tell you what happened next on +our trip. When we came to Jeronimus's gate, he went right to the +side where the watch-dog stood, and he would have had his learned +legs well caulked if I had not dragged him to the other side; for +watch-dogs are no respecters of persons: they measure all strangers +with the same stick, and bite at random whatever legs they get hold +of, whether Greek or Latin. When he entered the court, Mossur Rasmus +Berg absent-mindedly went into the stable and shouted, "Hey, is +Jeronimus at home?" But the cows all turned their tails to him and +none of them would answer a word. I am certain that if any of them +could have talked, they would have said, "What a confounded +lunk-head that lad must be!" + +NILLE. Oh, my dear husband, can you stand hearing him use such +language? + +JEPPE. Jacob, you will get into trouble if you talk like that any +more. + +JACOB. Little father ought rather to thank me, for I set him to +rights and took him out of the stable toward the house. Just think +what might happen to such a lad if he should go on a long journey +alone; for I'm sure that if I had not been with him, he would have +been standing in the stable yet, gazing at the cows' tails, from +sheer learning. + +JEPPE. A plague on your impudent mouth! + +[Jacob runs off, Jeppe after him. + +NILLE. The confounded rogue!--I have sent word to the bailiff and +the deacon, so that my son can have some one to dispute with when he +comes back. + + + +ACT III + +SCENE 1 + + + +Same as Act II. + +NILLE (alone). My son Montanus is gone a long time. I wish he would +come home before the bailiff goes, for he wants very much to talk +with him, and is eager to ask him about several things which--But +there, I see him coming. + + + +SCENE 2 + + +Enter Montanus. + +NILLE. Welcome home, my dear son. Our kind friend Jeronimus was no +doubt very glad to see our honored son in good health after so long +an absence. + +MONTANUS. I have spoken neither to Jeronimus nor to his daughter, on +account of that fellow with whom I got into a dispute. + +NILLE. What kind of a man was he? Perhaps it was the schoolmaster. + +MONTANUS. No, it was a stranger, who is going away to-day. I know +him, although I have not associated with him in Copenhagen. I am +annoyed almost to death by these people who imagine they have +absorbed all wisdom, and still are idiots. I'll tell you, mother, +how it is: This fellow has been ordinarius opponens once or twice; +therein lies his sole achievement. But how did he perform his +Partes? Misere et haesitanter absque methodo. Once when Praeses +wished to distinguish inter rem et modum rei, he asked, Quid hoc +est?--Wretch, you should have known that antequam in arenam +descendis. Quid hoc est? Quae bruta! A fellow who ignores the +distinctiones cardinales, and then wants to dispute publice! + +NILLE. Oh, my respected son, you mustn't take such things as that to +heart. I can see from what you say that he must be a fool. + +MONTANUS. An ignoramus. + +NILLE. Nothing could be plainer. + +MONTANUS. An idiot. + +NILLE. I can't see that he is anything else. + +MONTANUS. Et quidem plane hospes in philosophia. Let the dog turn +away from what he committed in the presence of so many worthy +people. + +NILLE. Is that what he did? By that you may know a swine. + +MONTANUS. No, little mother, he did something worse than that; he +openly confounded materiam cum forma. + +NILLE. Plague take him! + +MONTANUS. Does the fellow imagine that he can dispute? + +NILLE. The devil he can! + +MONTANUS. Not to mention the mistake he made in his Proemio, when he +said "Lectissimi et doctissimi auditores." + +NILLE. What a fool he must be! + +MONTANUS. For putting "lectissimi" in front of "doctissimi," when +"lectissimi" is a predicate, one can give a Deposituro. + +NILLE. But didn't you get a chance to talk with Jeronimus, my son? + +MONTANUS. No, just as I was about to go into the house, I saw the +fellow passing by the gate, and as we knew each other, I went out to +speak to him, whereupon we immediately began to talk of learned +matters, and finally to dispute, so that I had to postpone my visit. + +NILLE. I am very much afraid that Monsieur Jeronimus will be +offended when he hears that my son has been in his yard, but went +away without talking with him. + +MONTANUS. Well, I can't help that. When any one attacks philosophy, +he attacks my honor. I am fond of Mademoiselle Lisbed, but my +Metaphysica and my Logica have priority. + +NILLE. Oh, my dear son, what did I hear? Are you engaged to two +other girls in Copenhagen? That will be a bad business in the +matrimonial courts. + +MONTANURS. You don't understand me; I didn't mean it in that way. +They are not two girls, but two sciences. + +NILLE. Oh, that is another matter. But here comes the bailiff. Don't +be angry any more. + +MONTANUS. I can't be angry with him, for he is a simple, ignorant +man, with whom I cannot get into a dispute. + + + +SCENE 3 + + +Enter Jeppe and Jesper the Bailiff. + +JEPPE. Serviteur, Monsieur. I congratulate you on your arrival. + +MONTANUS. I thank you, Mr. Bailiff. + +JESPER. I am glad that we have such a learned man here in the +village. It must have cost you many a racking of the brain to have +advanced so far. I congratulate you, too, Jeppe Berg, upon your son. +Now, happiness has come to you in your old age. + +JEPPE. Yes, that is true. + +JESPER. But listen, my dear Monsieur Rasmus, I should like to ask +you something. + +MONTANUS. My name is Montanus. + +JESPER (aside to Jeppe). Montanus? is that the Latin for Rasmus? + +JEPPE. Yes, it must be. + +JESPER. Listen, my dear Monsieur Montanus Berg. I have heard that +learned folk have such extraordinary ideas. Is it true that people +in Copenhagen think the earth is round? Here on the hill no one +believes it; for how can that be, when the earth looks perfectly +flat? + +MONTANUS. That is because the earth is so large that one cannot +notice its roundness. + +JESPER. Yes, it is true, the earth is large; it is almost a half of +the universe. But listen, Monsieur, how many stars will it take to +make a moon? + +MONTANUS. A moon! In comparison to the stars the moon is like +Pebling Pond in comparison with all Sjaelland. + +JESPER. Ha, ha, ha! Learned folk are never just right in the head. +Will you believe it, I have heard people say that the earth moves +and the sun stands still. You certainly don't believe that, too, +Monsieur? + +MONTANUS. No man of sense doubts it any longer. + +JESPER. Ha, ha, ha! If the earth should move, surely we should fall +and break our necks. + +MONTANUS. Can't a ship move with you, without your breaking your +neck? + +JESPER. Yes, but you say that the earth turns round. Now. if a ship +should turn over, wouldn't the people fall off then into the sea? + +MONTANUS. No. I will explain it to you more plainly, if you will +have the patience. + +JESPER. Indeed, I won't hear anything about it. I should have to be +crazy to believe such a thing. Could the earth turn over, and we not +fall heels over head to the devil and clear down into the abyss? Ha, +ha, ha! But, my Monsieur Berg, how is it that the moon is sometimes +so small and sometimes so big? + +MONTANUS. If I tell you why, you won't believe me. + +JESPER. Oh, please tell me. + +MONTANUS. It is because, when the moon has grown large, pieces are +clipped off it to make stars of. + +JESPER. That certainly is curious. I really didn't know that before. +If pieces were not clipped off, it would get too large and grow as +broad as all Sjaelland. After all, nature does regulate everything +very wisely. But how is it that the moon doesn't give warmth like +the sun, although it is just as big? + +MONTANUS. That is because the moon is not a light, but made of the +same dark material as the earth, and gets its light and brilliance +from the sun. + +JESPER. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Let us talk of something else. +That's stuff and nonsense; a man might go stark mad over it. + + + +SCENE 4 + + +(Enter Peer.) + +JEPPE. Welcome, Peer. Where good folk are gathered, good folk come. +Here, you see, is my son, who has just come back. + +PEER. Welcome, Monsieur Rasmus Berg! + +MONTANUS. In Copenhagen, I am accustomed to be called "Montanus." I +beg you to call me that. + +PEER. Yes, surely, it's all the same to me. How are things in +Copenhagen? Did many graduate this year? + +MONTANUS. About as many as usual. + +PEER. Was any one rejected this year? + +MONTANUS. Two or three conditionaliter. + +PEER. Who is Imprimatur this year? + +MONTANUS. What does that mean? + +PEER. I mean, who is Imprimatur of the verse and the books which are +published? + +MONTANUS. Is that supposed to be Latin? + +PEER. Yes, in my day it was good Latin. + +MONTANUS. If it was good Latin then, it must be so still. But it has +never been Latin in the sense in which you use it. + +PEER. Yes, it is,--good Latin. + +MONTANUS. Is it a nomen or a verbum? + +PEER. It is a nomen. + +JESPER. That is right, Peer, just speak up for yourself. + +MONTANUS. Cuius declinationis is Imprimatur, then? + +PEER. All the words that can be mentioned may be referred to eight +things, which are: nomen, pronomen, verbum, principium, conjugatio, +declinatio, interjectio. + +JESPER. Yes, yes, just listen to Peer when he shakes his sleeves! +That's right, keep at him! + +MONTANUS. He's not answering what I ask him. What is the genitive of +"Imprimatur"? + +PEER. Nominativus, ala; genitivus, alae; dativus, ala; vocativus, +ala; ablativus, ala. + +JESPER. Ah, ha, Monsieur Montanus, we have some folk here on the +hill, too! + +PEER. I should say so. In my time the fellows that graduated were of +a different sort from nowadays. They were lads who got shaved twice +a week, and could scan all kinds of verse. + +MONTANUS. That is certainly a wonderful thing! Boys in the second +class can do that to-day. Nowadays there are graduates from the +schools in Copenhagen who can write Hebrew and Chaldean verse, + +PEER. Then they can't know much Latin. + +MONTANUS. Latin! If you went to school now, you couldn't get above +the bottom class. + +JESPER. Don't say that, Montanus. The deacon is, I know, a +thoroughly educated man; that I have heard both the district bailiff +and the tax-collector say. + +MONTANUS. Perhaps they understand Latin just as little as he + +JESPER. But I can hear that he answers splendidly. + +MONTANUS. Yes, but he doesn't answer what I ask him--E qua schola +dimissus es, mi Domine? + +PEER. Adjectivum et substantivum genere, numero et caseo conveniunt. + +JESPER. He's giving him his bucket full. Good for you, Peer; as sure +as you live, we shall drink a half pint of handy together. + +MONTANUS. If you knew, Mr. Bailiff, what his answers were, you would +laugh until you split. I ask him from what school he graduated and +he answers at random something entirely different. + +PEER. Tunc tua res agitur, paries cum proximus ardet. + +JESPER. Yes, yes, that's a good lead for you. Answer that, now. + +MONTANUS. I can't answer that; it is mere mincemeat. Let us talk +Danish, so the others can understand; then you will be able to hear +what kind of a fellow he is. (Nille cries.) + +JESPER. What are you crying for, my good woman? + +NILLE. Oh, I am so sorry that my son must admit himself beaten in +Latin. + +JESPER. Oh, it's no wonder, my good woman. Peer is, of course, much +older than he; it is no wonder. Let them talk Danish, then, as we +all understand it. + +PEER. Yes, certainly. I am ready for whichever one of the two he +wishes. We shall propose certain questions to each other; for +example, who was it that screamed so loud that he could be heard +over the whole world? + +MONTANUS. I know no one who screams louder than asses and country +deacons. + +PEER. Nonsense! Can they be heard over the whole world? It was the +ass in Noah's ark; for the whole world was in the ark. + +JESPER. Ha, ha, ha! That is true, to be sure. Ha, ha, ha! Peer the +deacon has a fine head on his shoulders. + +PEER. Who was it killed a quarter of the world? + +MONTANUS. Bah! I refuse to answer such stupid questions. + +PEER. It was Cain, who killed his brother Abel. + +MONTANUS. Prove that there were no more than four human beings at +the time. of course, much older than he; it is no wonder. Let them +talk Danish, then, as we all understand it. + +PEER. You prove that there were more. + +MONTANUS. That isn't necessary; for affirmante incumbit probatio. Do +you understand that? + +PEER. Of course I do. Omnia conando docilis solertia vincit. Do you +understand that? + +MONTANUS. I am a perfect fool to stand here and dispute with a +dunce. You wish to dispute, and yet know neither Latin nor Danish; +much less do you know what logic is. Let's hear once, quid est +logica? + +PEER. Post molestam senectutam, post molestam senectutam nos habebat +humus. + +MONTANUS. Are you trying to make a fool of me, you rascal? (He grabs +him by the hair. The Deacon escapes and shouts, "Dunce, dunce!") +[Exeunt all except the Bailiff.] + + + +SCENE 5 + + +(Enter Jeronimus.) + +JERONIMUS. Your servant, Mr. Bailiff. I am surprised to find you +here. I have come to see my future son-in-law, Rasmus Berg. + +JESPER. He will be here in a moment. It is a shame that you didn't +come a half hour sooner. You would then have heard him and the +deacon disputing together. + +JERONIMUS. How did it come out? + +JESPER. Shame on Peer the deacon! He is worse than I thought. I see +well enough that he has forgot nothing either of his Latin or +Hebrew. + +JERONIMUS. I believe that well enough, for he probably never knew +much of either. + +JESPER. Don't say that, Monsieur Jeronimus! He has a devilish clever +tongue. It is really a joy to hear the man talk Latin. + +JERONIMUS. That is more than I should have expected. But how does my +son look? + +JESPER. He looks confoundedly learned. You would hardly recognize +him. He has another name, too. + +JERONIMUS. Another name! What does he call himself? + +JESPER. He calls himself Montanus, which is said to be the same as +Rasmus in Latin. + +JERONIMUS. Oh, shame! that is wicked. I have known many who have +changed their Christian names in that way, but they never have +prospered. Some years ago I knew a person who was christened Peer, +and afterwards, when he had become a man of consequence, wanted to +be coined again, and called himself Peter. But that name cost him +dear, for he broke his leg and died in great misery. Our Lord +doesn't allow such a thing, Mr. Bailiff. + +JESPER. I don't care what his name is, but I don't like it that he +has such peculiar opinions in religion. + +JERONIMUS. What kind of opinions has he, then? + +JESPER. Oh, it's terrible! My hair stands on end when I think of it. +I can't remember all that I heard, but I know that among other +things he said that the earth was round. What can I call such a +thing, Monsieur Jeronimus? That is nothing else than overthrowing +all religion and leading folk away from the faith. A heathen +certainly cannot speak worse. + +JERONIMUS. He must have said that only in jest. + +JESPER. It is going rather too far to joke about such things as +that. See, here he comes himself. + + + +SCENE 6 + + +(Enter Montanus.) + +MONTANUS. How do you do, my dear father-in-law. I am delighted to +see you in good health. + +JERONIMUS. People of my age can't enjoy remarkable health. + +MONTANUS. You look mighty well, however. + +JERONIMUS. Do you think so? + +MONTANUS. How is Miss Lisbed? + +JERONIMUS. Oh, well enough. + +MONTANUS. But what is the matter? It seems to me, my dear +father-in-law, that you answer me rather coldly. + +JERONIMUS. I have no good reason to do otherwise. + +MONTANUS. What wrong have I done? + +JERONIMUS. I have been told that you have such peculiar opinions +that people might really think that you had become mad or deranged, +for how can a sane man be foolish enough to say that the earth is +round? + +MONTANUS. But, profecto, it is round. I must speak the truth. + +JERONIMUS. The deuce it is the truth! Such a notion can't possibly +come from anywhere but from the devil, who is the father of lies. I +am sure there isn't a single man here in the village who would not +condemn such an opinion. Just ask the bailiff, who is an intelligent +man, if he does not agree with me. + +JESPER. It is really all one to me whether it is oblong or round; +but I must believe my own eyes, which show me that the earth is as +flat as a pancake. + +MONTANUS. It is all one to me, too, what the bailiff or the others +here in the village think on the subject; for I know that the earth +is round. + +JERONIMUS. The deuce it is round! You must be crazy. You surely have +eyes in your head as well as other men. + +MONTANUS. It is known for certain, my dear father-in-law, that +people live right under us with their feet turned toward ours. + +JESPER. Ha, ha, ha; hi, hi, hi; ha, ha, ha! + +JERONIMUS. Yes, you may well laugh, Mr. Bailiff, for he really has a +screw loose in his head. Just you try to walk here on the ceiling +with your head down, and see then what will happen. + +MONTANUS. That is an entirely different thing, father-in-law, +because-- + +JERONIMUS. I will never in the world be your father-in-law. I love +my daughter too well to throw her away like that. + +MONTANUS. I love your daughter as my own soul, but that I should +give up my philosophy for her sake and drive my reason into +exile,--that is more than you can demand. + +JERONIMUS. Ha, ha! I see you have another lady-love in mind. You can +keep your Lucy or your Sophy. I certainly shall not force my +daughter on you. + +MONTANUS. You mistake me. Philosophy is nothing other than a +science, which has opened my eyes, in this respect as in others. + +JERONIMUS. It has rather blinded both your eyes and your +understanding. How can you believe such a thing is good? + +MONTANUS. That is something which is beyond proof. No learned man +doubts that any longer. + +JESPER. I warrant you will never get Peer the deacon to agree with +you. + +MONTANUS. Peer the deacon! Yes, he is a great fellow. I am a fool to +stand here and talk about philosophy with you. But in order to +please Monsieur Jeronimus, I will nevertheless present one or two +proofs. First, we learn it from travellers, who, when they go a few +thousand miles from here, have day while we have night: they see +other heavens, other stars. + +JERONIMUS. Are you crazy? Is there more than one heaven and one +earth? + +JESPER. Yes, indeed, Monsieur Jeronimus, there are twelve heavens, +one above the other, until the crystal heaven is reached. So far he +is right. + +MONTANUS. Ah! Quantae tenebrae! + +JERONIMUS. In my youth I went sixteen times to the neighborhood of +Kiel, but as sure as I am an honorable man, I never saw a different +heaven from what we have here. + +MONTANUS. You must travel sixteen times as far, Domine Jeronime, +before you can notice such a thing, because-- + +JERONIMUS. Stop talking such nonsense; it is neither here nor there. +Let's hear your other proof. + +MONTANUS. The other proof is taken from the eclipse of the sun and +moon. + +JESPER. Just hear that! Now, he is stark mad. + +MONTANUS. What do you really suppose an eclipse to be? + +JESPER. Eclipses are certain signs which are placed upon the sun and +moon when some misfortune is going to happen on the earth,--a thing +I can prove from my own experience: when my wife had a miscarriage +three years ago, and when my daughter Gertrude died, both times +there were eclipses just before. + +MONTANUS. Oh, such nonsense will drive me mad. + +JERONIMUS, The bailiff is right, for an eclipse never occurs unless +it is a warning of something. When the last eclipse happened, +everything seemed to be well, but that didn't last long; for a +fortnight afterwards we got news from Copenhagen that six candidates +for degrees were rejected at one time, all persons belonging to the +gentry, and two of them the sons of deacons. If a man doesn't hear of +misfortune at one place after such an eclipse, he hears of it at +another. + +MONTANUS. That is true enough, for no day passes that some +misfortune does not happen somewhere in the world. But as far as +these persons you mentioned are concerned, they have no need to +blame the eclipse, for if they had studied more, they would have +passed. + +JERONIMUS. What is an eclipse of the moon, then? + +MONTANUS. It is nothing other than the earth's shadow, which +deprives the moon of the sunlight, and since the shadow is round, we +thereby see that the earth is round, too. It all happens in a +natural way, for eclipses can be predicted, and therefore it is +folly to say that such are prophetic warnings of misfortune. + +JERONIMUS. Oh, Mr. Bailiff, I feel ill. Unlucky was the far on +which your parents allowed you to become a scholar. + +JESPER. Yes, he comes mighty near to being an atheist. I must bring +him and Peer the deacon together again. There is a man who speaks +with force. He will persuade you yet, in either Latin or Greek, that +the earth, thank God, is as flat as my hand. But here comes Madame +Jeronimus with her daughter. + + + +SCENE 7 + + +(Enter Magdelone and Lisbed.) + +MAGDELONE. Oh, my dear son-in-law, it is a delight to me to see you +back again in good health. + +LISBED. Oh, my darling, let me hug you. + +JERONIMUS. Slowly, slowly, my child, not so ardently. + +LISBED. May I not hug my sweetheart when I haven't seen him for +years? + +JERONIMUS. Keep away from him, I tell you, or else you will get a +beating. + +LISBED (weeping). I know one thing, that we have been publicly +betrothed. + +JERONIMUS. That is true enough, but since that time something has +occurred to hinder. (Lisbed weeps.) You must know, my child, that +when he became engaged to you he was an honest man and a good +Christian. But now he is a heretic and a fanatic, who ought to be +introduced to the Litany rather than into our family. + +LISBED. If that is all, father dear, we can still make everything +right. + +JERONIMUS. Keep away from him, I tell you. + +MAGDELONE. What does this mean, Mr. Bailiff? + +JESPER. It's a bad business, Madame. He introduces false doctrine +into this village, saying that the earth is round, and other things +of such a nature that I should blush to mention them. + +JERONIMUS. Don't you think that the good old parents are to be +pitied who have spent so much money on him? + +MAGDELONE. Oh, is that all? If he loves our daughter, he will give +up his opinion and say that the earth is flat, for her sake. + +LISBED. Oh, my dear, for my sake say that it is flat! + +MONTANUS. I cannot humor you in this, so long as I am in full +possession of my reason. I cannot give the earth another shape from +what it has by nature. For your sake I will say and do whatever is +possible for me; but in this one thing I can never humor you, for if +the brothers in my order should find out that I had given expression +to such an opinion, I should be thought a fool, and despised. +Besides, we learned folk never give up our opinions, but defend what +we have once said to the uttermost drop of our inkhorns. + +MAGDELONE. See here, husband, I don't think it matters so much that +we should break off the match on that account. + +JERONIMUS. And merely on that account I should try to have them +divorced even if they had been actually married. + +MAGEDELONE. You had better believe I have something to say in this +matter, too; for if she is your daughter, she is mine as well. + +LISBED (weeping). Oh, my dear, do say that it is flat. + +MONTANUS. Profecto, I really cannot. + +JERONIMUS. Listen, wife: you must know that I am the head of the +house, and that I am her father. + +MAGDELONE. You must also know that I am the mistress of the house, +and that I am her mother. + +JERONIMUS. I say that a father is always more than a mother. + +MAGDELONE, And I say not, for there can be no doubt that I am her +mother, but whether you--I had better not say any more, for I am +getting excited. + +LISBED (weeping). Oh, my heart, can't you say just for my sake that +it is flat? + +MONTANUS. I cannot, my doll, nam contra naturam est. + +JERONIMUS. What did you mean by that, my wife? Am I not her father +as surely as you are her mother?--Listen, Lisbed, am I not your +father? + +LISBED. I think so, for my mother says so; but I know that she is my +mother. + +JERONIMUS. What do you think of this talk, Mr. Bailiff: + +JESPER. I can't say that Mamselle is wrong in this matter, for-- + +JERONIMUS. That is enough. Come, let us go--you may be sure, my good +Rasmus Berg, that you will never get my daughter so long as you +cling to your delusions. + +LISBED (weeping). Oh, my heart, do say that it is flat! + +JERONIMUS. Out, out of the door! + +[Exeunt Jeronimus, Magdelone, and Lisbed.] + + + +ACT IV + +SCENE I + + +(Before Jeppe's House.) + +MONTANUS. Here I have been worried for a good hour by my parents, +who with sighing and weeping try to persuade me to give up my +opinions; but they don't know Erasmus Montanus. Not if I were to be +made an emperor for it would I renounce what I once have said. I +love Mademoiselle Elisabet, to be sure; but that I should sacrifice +philosophy for her sake, and repudiate what I have publicly +maintained--that is out of the question. I hope, though, that it +will all come out right, and that I shall win my sweetheart without +losing my reputation. Once I get a chance to talk to Jeronimus, I +can convince him of his errors so conclusively that he will agree to +the match. But there are the deacon and the bailiff, coming from my +father- and mother-in-law's. + + + +SCENE 2 + + +(Enter Peer and Jesper.) + +JESPER. My dear Monsieur Montanus, we have been working hard for you +this day. + +MONTANUS. What's that? + +JESPER. We have intervened between your parents and your +parents-in-law to bring about a reconciliation. + +MONTANUS. Well, what have you accomplished? Did my father-in-law +give way? + +JESPER. The last words he said to us were, "There has never been any +heresy in our family. You tell Rasmus Berg"--I merely quote his +words; he never once said Montanus Berg--"You tell Rasmus Berg from +me," said he, "that my wife and I are both honest, God-fearing +people, who would rather wring our daughter's neck than marry her to +any one who says that the earth is round, and brings false doctrine +into the village." + +PEER. To tell the truth, we have always had pure faith here on the +hill, and Monsieur Jeronimus isn't far wrong in wishing to break off +the match. + +MONTANUS. My good friends, tell Monsieur Jeronimus from me that he +is committing a sin in attempting to force me to repudiate what I +once have said--a thing contrary to leges scholasticas and +consuetudines laudabiles. + +PEER. Oh, Dominus! Will you give up your pretty sweetheart for such +trifles? Every one will speak ill of it. + +MONTANUS, The common man, vulgus, will speak ill of it; but my +commilitiones, my comrades, will praise me to the skies for my +constancy. + +PEER. Do you consider it a sin to say that the earth is flat or +oblong? + +MONTANUS. No, I do not, but I consider it shameful and dishonorable +for me, a Baccalaureus Philosophiae, to repudiate what I have +publicly maintained, and to do anything that is improper for one of +my order. My duty is to see to it that ne quid detrimenti patiatur +respublica philosophica. + +PEER. But if you can be convinced that what you believe is false, do +you consider it a sin to give up your opinion? + +MONTANUS. Prove to me that it is false, and that methodice. + +PEER. That is an easy thing for me to do. Now, a great many fine +people live here in the village: first, your father-in-law, who has +become distinguished by the mere use of his pen; next, myself, +unworthy man, who have been deacon here for fourteen full years; +then this good man, the bailiff, besides the parish constable, and +various other good men established here who have paid their taxes +and land rent in both good times and bad. + +MONTANUS. That's the deuce of a syllogismus. What does all such +nonsense lead to? + +PEER. I'm coming to that directly. I say, just ask any one of these +good men who live here in the village and see if any of them will +agree with you that the world is round. I'm sure a man ought to +believe what so many say, rather than what only one says. Ergo, you +are wrong. + +MONTANUS. You may bring all the people on the hill and let them +oppose me both in this matter and others, and I shall close the +mouths of all of them. Such people have no convictions; they must +believe what I and other folk say. + +PEER. But if you should say the moon was made of green cheese, would +they believe that, too? + +MONTANUS. Why not? Tell me, what do the people here think you are? + +PEER. They believe that I am a good, honest man and deacon here in +this place; which is true. + +MONTANUS. And I say it is a lie. I say you are a cock, and I shall +prove it, as surely as two and three make five. + +PEER. The devil you will! Now, how can I be a cock? How can you +prove that? + +MONTANUS. Can you tell me anything to prevent you from being one? + +PEER. In the first place I can talk; a cock cannot talk; ergo, I am +not a cock. + +MONTANUS. Talking does not prove anything. A parrot or a starling +can talk, too; that does not make them human beings by any means. + +PEER. I can prove it from something else besides talking. A cock has +no human intelligence. I have human intelligence; ergo, I am not a +cock. + +MONTANUS. Proba minorem. + +JESPER. Aw, talk Danish. + +MONTANUS. I want him to prove that he has the intelligence of a +human being. + +PEER. See here, I discharge the duties of my office irreproachably, +don't I? + +MONTANUS. What are the main duties of your office wherein you show +human intelligence? + +PEER. First, I never forget to ring for service at the hour +appointed. + +MONTANUS. Nor does a cock forget to crow and make known the hour and +tell people when to get up. + +PEER. Second, I can sing as well as any deacon in Sjaelland. + +MONTANUS. And our cock crows as well as any cock in Sjaelland. + +PEER. I can mould wax candles, which no cock can do. + +MONTANUS. Over against that, a cock can make a hen lay eggs, which +you can't do. Don't you see that the intelligence you show in your +calling fails to prove that you are better than a cock? Let us see, +in a nutshell, what points you have in common with a cock: a cock +has a comb on his head, you have horns on your forehead; a +cockcrows, you crow, too; a cock is proud of his voice and ruffles +himself up, you do likewise; a cock gives warning when it is time to +get up, you when it is time for service. Ergo, you are a cock. Have +you anything else to say? (Peer cries.) + +JESPER. Here, don't cry, Peer! Why do you heed such things? + +PEER. A plague on me if it's not sheer falsehood. I can get a +certificate from the whole village that I am not a rooster; that not +one of my forbears has been anything but a Christian human being. + +MONTANUS, Refute, then, this syllogismus, quem tibi propano. A cock +has certain peculiarities which distinguish him from other animals: +he wakes people by a noise when it's time to get up; announces the +hours; plumes himself on his voice; wears protuberances on his head. +You have the same peculiarities. Ergo, you are a cock. Refute me +that argument. (Peer weeps again.) + +JESPER. If the deacon can't shut you up, I can. + +MONTANUS. Let us hear your argument, then! + +JESPER. First, my conscience tells me that your opinion is false. + +MONTANUS. One cannot pass judgment in all matters according to a +bailiff's conscience. + +JESPER. In the second place, I say that everything you have said is +sheer falsehood. + +MONTANUS. Prove it. + +JESPER. In the third place, I am an honest man, whose word has +always deserved to be believed. + +MONTANUS. That sort of talk will convince no one. + +JESPER. In the fourth place, I say that you have spoken like a knave +and that the tongue ought to be cut out of your mouth. + +MONTANUS. I still hear no proof. + +JESPER. And, finally, in the fifth place, I will prove it to you +abundantly either with swords or with bare fists. + +MONTANUS. No, I do not care for either, thank you; but as long as +you wish to dispute with the mouth only, you shall find that I can +justify not only the things which I have said, but more, too. Come +on, Mr, Bailiff, I will prove by sound logic that you are a bull. + +JESPER. The devil you will. + +MONTANUS. Just have the patience to hear my argument. + +JESPER. Come, Peer, let's go. + +MONTANUS. I prove it in this way. Quicunque--(Jesper shrieks and +puts his band over Erasmus's mouth.) If you do not wish to hear my +proof this time, you can meet me another time, whenever you please. + +JESPER. I am too good to associate with such a fanatic. + +[Exeunt Jesper and Peer.] + + + +SCENE 3 + + +MONTANUS. I can dispute dispassionately with these people, however +harshly they speak to me. I do not become hot-headed unless I +dispute with people who imagine that they understand Methodum +disputandi and that they are just as well versed in philosophy as I. +For this reason I was ten times as zealous when I argued against the +student to-day; for he had some appearance of learning. But here +come my parents. + + + +SCENE 4 + + +(Enter Jeppe and Nille.) + +JEPPE. Oh, my dear son, don't carry on so, and don't quarrel with +everybody. The bailiff and deacon, who at our request undertook to +make peace between you and your father-in-law, have, I hear, been +made sport of. What is the use of turning good folk into cocks and +bulls? + +MONTANUS. For this purpose I have studied, for this purpose I have +racked my brains: that I may say what I choose, and justify it. + +JEPPE. It seems to me that it would have been better never to have +studied in that way. + +MONTANUS. Keep your mouth shut, old man! + +JEPPE. You're not going to beat your parents? + +MONTANUS. If I did, I should justify that, too, before the whole +world. [Exeunt Jeppe and Nille, weeping.] + + + +SCENE 5 + + +(Enter Jacob.) + +MONTANUS. I will not abandon my opinions, even if they all go mad at +once. + +JACOB. I have a letter for Mossur. + +[Gives him the letter, and exit.] + + + +SCENE 6 + + +MONTANUS (reading). My dearest friend! I could never have imagined +that you would so easily abandon her who for so many years has loved +you with such faith and constancy. I can tell you for a certainty +that my father is so set against the notion that the earth is round, +and considers it such an important article of faith, that he will +never give me to you unless you assent to the belief that be and the +other good folk here in the village hold. What difference can it +make to you whether the earth is oblong, round, eight-cornered, or +square? I beg of you, by all the love I have borne you, that you +conform to the faith in which we here on the hill have been happy +for so long. If you do not humor me in this, you may be sure that I +shall die of grief, and the whole world will abhor you for causing +the death of one who has loved you as her own soul. + + Elisabeth, daughter of Jeronimus, + by her own hand. + +Oh, heavens! This letter moves me and throws me into great +irresolution-- + + Utque securi + Saucia trabs ingens, ubi plaga novissima restat, + Quo cadat in dubio est, omnique a parte timetur, + Sic animus-- + +On the one hand is Philosophy, bidding me stand firm; on the other, +my sweetheart reproaching me with coldness and faithlessness. But +should Erasmus Montanus for any reason renounce his conviction, +hitherto his one virtue? No, indeed, by no means. Yet here is +necessity, which knows no law. If I do not submit in this, I shall +make both myself and my sweetheart miserable. She will die of grief, +and all the world will hate me and reproach me with my +faithlessness. Ought I abandon her, when she has loved me constantly +for so many years? Ought I be the cause of her death? No, that must +not be. Still, consider what you are doing, Erasmus Montane, Musarum +et Apollonis pulle! Here you have the chance to show that you are a +true philosophus. The greater the danger, the larger the laurel +wreath you win inter philosophos. Think what your commilitiones will +say when they hear something like this: "He is no longer the Erasmus +Montanus who hitherto has defended his opinions to the last drop of +his blood." If common and ignorant people reproach me with +unfaithfulness to my sweetheart, philosophi, for their part, will +exalt me to the skies. The very thing which disgraces me in the eyes +of the one party crowns me with honor among the other. I must +therefore resist the temptation. I am resisting it. I conquer it. I +have already conquered it. The earth is round. Jacta est alea. Dixi. +(Calls.) Jacob! + + + +SCENE 7 + + +(Enter Jacob.) + +MONTANUS. Jacob, the letter which you delivered to me from my +sweetheart has had no influence upon me. I adhere to what I have +said. The earth is round, and it shall never become flat as long as +my head remains on my shoulders. + +JACOB. I believe, too, that the earth is round, but if any one gave +me a seed-cake to say it was oblong, I should say that it was +oblong, for it would make no difference to me. + +MONTANUS. That might be proper for you, but not for a philosophus +whose principal virtue is to justify to the uttermost what he once +has said. I will dispute publicly on the subject here in the village +and challenge all who have studied. + +JACOB. But might I ask Mossur one thing: If you win the disputation, +what will be the result? + +MONTANUS. The result will be that I shall have the honor of winning +and shall be recognized as a learned man. + +JACOB. Mossur means a talkative man. I have noticed, from people +here in the village, that wisdom and talking are not the same thing. +Rasmus Hansen, who is always talking, and whom no one can stand +against in the matter of words, is granted by every one to have just +plain goose sense. On the other hand, the parish constable, Niels +Christensen, who says little and always gives in, is admitted to +have an understanding of the duties of chief bailiff. + +MONTANUS. Will you listen to the rascal? Faith, he's trying to argue +with me. + +JACOB. Mossur mustn't take offence. I talk only according to my +simple understanding, and ask only in order to learn. I should like +to know whether, when Mossur wins the dispute, Peer the deacon will +thereupon be turned a cock? + +MONTANUS. Nonsense! He will stay the same as he before. + +JACOB. Well, then Mossur would lose! + +MONTANUS. I shall not allow myself to be drawn into dispute with a +rogue of a peasant like you. If you understood Latin, I should +readily oblige you. I am not accustomed to disputation in Danish. + +JACOB. That is to say, Mossur has become so learned that he cannot +make clear his meaning in his mother-tongue. + +MONTANUS. Be silent, audacissime juvenis! Why should I exert myself +to explain my opinions to coarse and common folk, who don't know +what universalia entia rationis formae substantiales are? It +certainly is absurdissimum to try to prate of colors to the blind. +Vulgus indoctum est monstrum horrendum informe, cui lumen ademptum. +Not long ago a man ten times as learned as you wished to dispute +with me, but when I found that he did not know what quidditas was, I +promptly refused him. + +JACOB. What does that word quidditas mean? Wasn't that it? + +MONTANUS. I know well enough what it means. + +JACOB. Perhaps Mossur knows it himself, but can't explain it to +others. What little I know, I know in such a way that all men can +grasp it when I say it to them. + +MONTANUS. Yes, you are a learned fellow, Jacob. What do you know? + +JACOB. What if I could prove that I am more learned than Mossur? + +MONTANUS. I should like to hear you. + +JACOB. He who studies the most important things, I think, has the +most thorough learning. + +MONTANUS. Yes, that is true enough. + +JACOB. I study farming and the cultivation of the soil. For that +reason I am more learned than Mossur. + +MONTANUS. Do you believe that rough peasants' work is the most +important? + +JACOB. I don't know about that. But I do know that if we farmers +should take a pen or a piece of chalk in our hands to calculate how +far it is to the moon, you learned men would soon suffer in the +stomach. You scholars spend the time disputing whether the earth is +round, square, or eight-cornered, and we study how to keep the +earth in repair. Does Mossur see now that our studies are more +useful and important than his, and, therefore, Niels Christensen is +the most learned man here in the village, because he has improved +his farm so that an acre of it is rated at thirty rix-dollars more +than in the time of his predecessor, who sat all day with a pipe in +his mouth, smudging and rumpling Doctor Arent Hvitfeld's Chronicle +or a book of sermons? + +MONTANUS. You will be the death of me; it is the devil incarnate who +is talking. I never in all my life thought such words could come +from a peasant-boy's mouth. For although all you have said is false +and ungodly, still it is an unusual speech for one in your walk of +life. Tell me this minute from whom you have learned such nonsense. + +JACOB. I have not studied, Mossur, but people say I have a good +head. The district judge never comes town but he sends for me at +once. He has told my parents a hundred times that I ought to devote +myself to books, and that something great might be made of me. When +I have nothing to do, I go speculating. The other day I made a verse +on Morten Nielsen, who drank himself to death. + +MONTANUS. Let us hear the verse. + +JACOB. You must know, first, that the father and the grandfather of +this same Morten were both fishermen, and were drowned at sea. This +was how the verse went: + + Here lies the body of Morten Nielsen; + To follow the footsteps of his forbears, + Who died in the water as fishermen, + He drowned himself in brandy. + +I had to read the verse before the district judge the other day, and +he had it written down and gave me two marks for it. + +MONTANUS. The poem, though formaliter very bad, is none the less +materialiter excellent. The prosody, which is the most important +thing, is lacking. + +JACOB. What does that mean? + +MONTANUS. Certain lines have not pedes, or feet, enough to walk on. + +JACOB. Feet! I would have you know that in a few days it ran over +the whole countryside. + +MONTANUS. I see you have a crafty head. I could wish that you had +studied and understood your Philosophiam instrumentalem, so you +could dispute under me. Come, let us go. [Exeunt.] + + + +ACT V + +SCENE I + + +(Same as in Act IV. A Lieutenant, Jesper the Bailiff.) + +LIEUTENANT. How can I manage to see the fellow, Mr. Bailiff? I +should like to have a talk with him. Is he a likely looking fellow? + +JESPER. Oh, he looks pretty well, and he has a mouth like a razor. + +LIEUTENANT. That makes no difference, so long as he's strong and active. + +JESPER. He can say anything he wants, and maintain it. He proved +beyond a doubt that Peer the deacon was a cock. + +LIEUTENANT. Is he good and broad across the shoulders? + +JESPER. A big, strong lad. Every one in the house here is afraid of +him, even his parents, for he can turn them into cows, oxen, and +horses, then back again into people,--that is, he can prove that +they are, from books. + +LIEUTENANT. Does he look as if he could stand knocking about? + +JESPER. And he proved that the earth was round, too. + +LIEUTENANT. That doesn't matter to me. Does he look as if he were +brave, and had a stout heart? + +JESPER. He would stake his life for a letter of the alphabet, not to +mention anything else. He has set every one here by the ears, but +that makes no difference to him--he won't budge from his opinions +and his learning. + +LIEUTENANT. Mr. Bailiff, from all I hear, he will make a perfect +soldier. + +JESPER. How can you make a soldier of him, Lieutenant? He is a +student. + +LIEUTENANT. That has nothing to do with it. If he can turn people +into sheep, oxen, and cocks, I'll have a try at turning a student +into a soldier, for once. + +JESPER. I should be happy if you could. I should laugh my belly in +two. + +LIEUTENANT. Just keep quiet about it, Jesper! When a bailiff and a +lieutenant put their heads together, such things are not impossible. +But I see some one coming this war. Is that he, by any chance? + +JESPER. Yes, it is. I shall run off, so that he won't suspect me. +[Exit.] + + + +SCENE 2 + + +(Enter Montanus.) + +LIEUTENANT. Welcome to the village. + +MONTANUS. I humbly thank you. + +LIEUTENANT. I have taken the liberty of addressing you, because +there aren't many educated people hereabouts for a man to talk to. + +MONTANUS. I am delighted that you have been a scholar. When did you +graduate, if I may inquire? + +LIEUTENANT. Oh, ten years ago. + +MONTANUS. Then you are an old academicus. What was your specialty +when you were a student? + +LIEUTENANT. I read mostly the old Latin authors, and studied natural +law and moral problems, as in fact I do still. + +MONTANUS. That is mere trumpery, not academicum. Did you lay no +stress on Philosophiam instrumentalem? + +LIEUTENANT. Not especially. + +MONTANUS. Then you have never done any disputation? + +LIEUTENANT. No. + +MONTANUS. Well, is that studying? Philosophia instrumentalis is the +only solid studium; the rest are all very fine, but they are not +learned. One who is well drilled in Logica and Metaphysica can get +himself out of any difficulty and dispute on all subjects, even if +he is unfamiliar with them. I know of nothing which I should take +upon myself to defend and not get out of it very well. There was +never any disputation at the university in which I did not take +part. A philosophus instrumentalis can pass for a polyhistor. + +LIEUTENANT. Who is the best disputer nowadays? + +MONTANUS. A student called Peer Iverson. When he has refuted his +opponent so that he hasn't a word to say for himself, he says, "Now, +if you will take my proposition, I will defend yours." In all that +sort of thing his Philosophia instrumentalis is the greatest help. +It is a shame that the lad did not become a lawyer; he could have +made a mighty good living. Next to him, I am the strongest, for the +last time I disputed, he whispered in my ear, "Jam sumus ergo +pares." Yet I will always yield him the palm. + +LIEUTENANT. But I have heard it said that Monsieur can prove that it +is the duty of a child to beat his parents. That seems to be absurd. + +MONTANUS. If I said it, I am the man to defend it. + +LIEUTENANT. I dare wager a ducat that you are not clever enough for +that. + +MONTANUS. I will risk a ducat on it. + +LIEUTENANT. Good. It is agreed. Now, let's hear you. + +MONTANUS. He whom one loves most, he beats most. One ought to love +nobody more than his parents, ergo there is nobody whom one ought to +beat more. Now, in another syllogism: what one has received he +ought, according to his ability, to return. In my youth I received +blows from my parents. Ergo I ought to give them blows in return. + +LIEUTENANT. Enough, enough, I have lost. Faith, you shall have your +ducat. + +MONTANUS. Oh, you were not in earnest; I will profecto take no +money. + +LIEUTENANT. Upon my word, you shall take it. I swear you shall. + +MONTANUS. Then I will take it to keep you from breaking an oath. + +LIEUTENANT. But may I not also try to turn you into something? Par +exemple, I will turn you into a soldier. + +MONTANUS. Oh, that is very easy, for all students are soldiers of +the intellect. + +LIEUTENANT. No, I shall prove that you are a soldier in body. +Whoever has taken press-money is an enlisted soldier. You have done +so, ergo-- + +MONTANUS. Nego minorem. + +LIEUTENANT. Et ego probo minorem by the two rix-dollars you took +into your hand. + +MONTANUS. Distinguendum est inter nummos. + +LIEUTENANT. No distinction! You are a soldier. + +MONTANUS. Distinguendum est inter the two: simpliciter and relative +accipere. + +LIEUTENANT. No nonsense! The contract is closed, and you have taken +the money. + +MONTANUS. Distinguendum est inter contractum verum et apparentem. + +LIEUTENANT. Can you deny that you have received a ducat from me? + +MONTANUS. Distinguendum est inter rem et modum rei. + +LIEUTENANT. Come, follow me straight, comrade! You must get your +uniform. + +MONTANUS. There are your two rix-dollars back. You have no witnesses +to my taking the money. + + + +SCENE 3 + + +(Enter Jesper and Niels the Corporal.) + +JESPER. I can bear witness that I saw the lieutenant put money into +his hand. + +NIELS. I too. + +MONTANUS. But why did I take the money? Distinguendum est inter-- + +LIEUTENANT. Oh, we won't listen to any talk. Niels, you stay here, +while I fetch the uniform. [Exit the Lieutenant.] + +MONTANUS. Oh, help! + +NIELS. If you don't shut up, you dog, I'll stick a bayonet through +your body. Hasn't he enlisted, Mr. Bailiff? + +JESPER. Yes, of course he has. + +(Enter the Lieutenant.) + +LIEUTENANT. Come, now, pull off that black coat and put on this red +one. (Montanus cries while they put on his uniform.) Oh, come, it +looks bad for a soldier to cry. You are far better off than you were +before.--Drill him well, now, Niels. He is a learned fellow, but he +is raw yet in his exercises. (Niels the Corporal leads Montanus +about, drilling him and beating him.) [Exeunt the Lieutenant and +Jesper.] + + + +SCENE 4 + + +(Enter the Lieutenant.) + +LIEUTENANT. Well, Niels, can he go through the drill? + +NIELS. He'll learn in time, but he is a lazy dog. He has to be +beaten every minute. + +MONTANUS (crying). Oh, gracious sir, have mercy on me. My health is +weak and I cannot endure such treatment. + +LIEUTENANT. It seems a little hard at first, but when your back has +once been well beaten and toughened, it won't hurt so much. + +MONTANUS (crying). Oh, would that I had never studied! Then I never +should have got into this trouble. + +LIEUTENANT. Oh, this is only a beginning. When you have sat a half +score of times on the wooden horse, or stood on the stake, then you +will think this sort of thing is a mere bagatelle. (Montanus weeps +again.) + + + +SCENE 5 + + +(Enter Jeronimus, Magdelone, Jeppe, and Nille.) + +JERONIMUS. Are you sure of it? + +JEPPE. Indeed I am; the bailiff told me a moment ago. Ah, now my +anger is turned to pity. + +JERONIMUS. If we could only get him back to the true faith, I should +be glad to buy him off. + +LISBED (rushing in). Oh, poor wretch that I am! + +JERONIMUS. Don't raise a hubbub, daughter, you won't gain anything +by that. + +LISBED. Oh, father dear, if you were as much in love as I am, you +wouldn't ask me to keep quiet. + +JERONIMUS. Fie, fie, it is not proper for a girl to show her +feelings like that. But there he is, I do believe. Look here, Rasmus +Berg! What is going on? + +MONTANUS. Oh, my dear Monsieur Jeronimus, I've become a soldier. + +JERONIMUS. Yes, now you have something else to do, besides turning +men into beasts and deacons into cocks. + +MONTANUS. Oh, alas! I lament my former folly, but all too late. + +JERONIMUS. Listen, my friend. If you will give up your former +foolishness, and not fill the land with disagreements and +disputations, I shall not fail to do everything in my power to get +you off. + +MONTANUS. Oh, I don't deserve anything better, after threatening my +old parents with blows. But if you will have pity on me and work for +my release, I swear to you, that hereafter I shall live a different +life, devote myself to some business, and never bother any one with +disputations any more. + +JERONIMUS. Stay here for a moment; I will go and talk to the +Lieutenant. (Enter the Lieutenant.) Oh, my dear Lieutenant, you have +always been a friend of our house. The person who has enlisted as a +soldier is engaged to my only daughter, who is much in love with +him. Set him free again. I shall be glad to present you with a +hundred rix-dollars, if you do. I admit that at first I was +delighted myself that he had been punished in such a way, for his +singular behavior had exasperated me, and all the good folk here in +the village, against him. But when I saw him in this plight, and at +the same time heard him lament his former folly and promise +amendment, my heart was ready to burst with sympathy. + +LIEUTENANT. Listen, my dear Monsieur Jeronimus. What I have done has +been only for his own good. I know that he is engaged to your +daughter, and therefore merely for the good of your house I have +reduced him to this condition and treated him with such great +harshness, so that he might he brought to confess his sins. But for +your sake I will give the money to the poor, inasmuch as I hear that +he has experienced a change of heart. Let him come here.--Listen, +my friend, your parents have spent much on you in the hope that you +would become an honor and a comfort to them in their old age. But +you go off a sensible fellow and come back entirely deranged, arouse +the whole village, advance strange opinions, and defend them with +stubbornness. If that is to be the fruit of studies, then one ought +to wish that there never had been any books. It seems to me that the +principal thing a man ought to learn in school is just the opposite +of what you are infected with, and that a learned man ought +particularly to be distinguished from others in that he is more +temperate, modest, and considerate in his speech than the +uneducated. For true philosophy teaches us that we ought to restrain +and quiet disagreements, and to give up our opinions as soon as we +are persuaded, even by the humblest person, that they are mistaken. +The first rule of philosophy is, Know thyself; and the further one +advances, the lower opinion one should have of himself, the more one +should realize what there remains to be learned. But you make +philosophy into a kind of fencing, and consider a man a philosopher +if he can warp the truth by subtle distinctions and talk himself out +of any opinion; in so doing you incur hatred and bring contempt upon +learning, for people imagine that your extraordinary manners are the +natural fruits of education. The best advice I can give you is to +strive to forget, and to rid your head of what you have burned so +much midnight oil in learning; and that you take up some calling in +which you can make your way to success; or, if you are bound to +pursue your studies, that you go about them in some other fashion. + +MONTANUS. Oh, my good sir, I will follow your advice, and do my best +to be a different man from now on. + +LIEUTENANT. Good; then I will let you go as soon as you have given +your word both to your own parents and to your future +parents-in-law, and have begged their pardon. + +MONTANUS. I humbly beg all of you, as I weep salt tears, to forgive +me; and I promise to lead an entirely different life henceforward. I +condemn my former ways, and I have been cured of them not so much by +the fix I had got into as by this good man's wise and profound +words. Next to my parents I shall always hold him in the highest +esteem. + +JERONIMUS. Then you don't believe any longer, my dear son-in-law, +that the world is round? For that is the point that I take most to +heart. + +MONTANUS. My dear father-in-law, I won't argue about it any further. +But I will only say this, that nowadays all learned folk are of the +opinion that the earth is round. + +JERONIMUS. Oh, Mr. Lieutenant, let him be made a soldier again until +the earth becomes flat. + +MONTANUS. My dear father-in-law, the earth is as flat as a pancake. +Now are you satisfied? + +JERONIMUS. Yes, now we are good friends again,--now you shall have +my daughter. Come to my house, now, all together, and drink to the +reconciliation. Mr. Lieutenant, won't you do us the honor of joining +us? + +[Exeunt.] + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Comedies, by Ludvig Holberg + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK COMEDIES *** + +This file should be named 5749.txt or 5749.zip + +Produced by Nicole Apostola, Charles Franks +and the Distributed Proofreading Team + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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