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If you + don't derive profits, no royalty is due. Royalties are + payable to "Project Gutenberg Association / Illinois + Benedictine College" within the 60 days following each + date you prepare (or were legally required to prepare) + your annual (or equivalent periodic) tax return. + +WHAT IF YOU *WANT* TO SEND MONEY EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO? +The Project gratefully accepts contributions in money, time, +scanning machines, OCR software, public domain etexts, royalty +free copyright licenses, and every other sort of contribution +you can think of. Money should be paid to "Project Gutenberg +Association / Illinois Benedictine College". + +*END*THE SMALL PRINT! FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + +Scanned by Charles Keller with +OmniPage Professional OCR software +donated by Caere Corporation, 1-800-535-7226. +Contact Mike Lough <Mikel@caere.com> + + + + + +THE COMPLETE WORKS OF BRANN THE ICONOCLAST + + +VOLUME X + + + +CONTENTS + +DOLCE FAR NIENTE AND DOLLARS +SALMAGUNDI +A KANSAS CITY ARISTOCRAT +A PICTORIAL PAIN-KILLER +MAN'S GUST FOR GORE +A RIGHT ROYAL ROAST +TEXAS TOPICS +THE RETORT COURTEOUS +BRANN VS. BAYLOR +SPEAKING OF SPIRITUALISM +SOME GOLD-BUG GUFF +"THE TYPICAL AMERICAN TOWN" +TEE AUTHOR OF EPISCOPALIANISM +A GYPSY GENIUS +MARRIAGE AND MISERY + +SALMAGUNDI +THE GOO-GOOS AND TAMMANY'S TIGER +THE HON. BARDWELL SLOTE, OF COHOSH +MONDE AND DEMI-MONDE +MACHIAVELLI +THE AMATEUR EDITOR +SPEAKING FOR MYSELF +AS I WAS SAYING +TOMMIE WATSON'S TOMMYROT +PILLS AND POLITICS +BEHIND TEE SCENES IN ST. LOUIS +THE STAGE AND STAGE DEGENERATES +"THE CHRISTIAN" +SALMAGUNDI +SOME ECONOMIC IDIOCY +AN EPISCOPALIAN MISTAKE +GLORY OF THE NEW GARTER +TWO OF A KIND +THE SAW-MILL CHECK SYSTEM +LOVE AS AN INTOXICANT +THE SWORD AND THE CROSS +A COUPLE OF UNCLEAN COYOTES +COINING BLOOD INTO BOODLE +A BIGOTED ARCHBISHOP +SALMAGUNDI +THE FOOTLIGHT FAVORITES +GINX'S BABY +WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH MISSOURI + + + + +DOLCE FAR NIENTE AND DOLLARS. + +The dispatches state that during the three weeks George Gould was +lazing and luxuriating in a foreign land "the business revival +added at least $15,000,000 to the value of the Gold securities." +Gadzooks! how sweet idleness must be when sugared with more than +$714,000 per day! I'm willing to loaf for half the lucre. How +refreshing it is to contemplate our plutocrats lying beside their +nectar like a job lot of Olympian gods--"careless of +mankind"--while + + "--they smile in secret, looking over wasted lands, +Blight and famine, plague and earthquake, roaring deeps and fiery +sands, +Clanging fights and flaming towns, and sinking ships and praying +hands." + + One of Mr. Gould's employees, who was toiling at risk of life +and limb for about $2 a day while his imperial master was doing +the dolce far niente act for $714,000 per diem and his board, +comments as follows in a letter to the ICONOCLAST: + + "W. C. BRANN: It might be pertinent for you to find out how the +festive George, of yacht-racing, Waler-hob-nobbing fame, has +managed to reap such pronounced benefits from the revival in +business. It is notorious among railroad men that one of the +first moves of Superintendent Trice, who succeeded Tim Campbell +as manager of the I. & G. N., was to inaugurate a series of +'reforms,' the chief feature of which was the cutting salaries of +from 20 to 40 per cent, especially among the office men, and at +the same time covering it by swapping the men around as much as +possible. Forces were reduced by compelling the half-starved +employees to do overtime at less pay, and the poor devils can +only grin and bear it. Suppose you write down, and get the true +data from the various places where the I. & G. N. touches, and +then show the true source, or the real 'revival' that has given +the festive George such a boost in his cash box." + +In the first place, "the business revival" has not "added +$15,000,000 to the value of the Gould securities"--it is a +political falsehood which George can be depended upon to promptly +repudiate when the tax assessor calls around to tender +congratulations. It is eleven to seven that Georgie assures him +that the Gould estate is in a very bad way, that only by the most +heroic self-sacrifices in this period of business depression can +he succeed in remaining solvent; that there was a slight advance +in railway values while crops were moving, only to be succeeded +by a doleful slump, caused by the high tariff, which cuts so +dreadfully into tonnage. If he refrains from putting up some such +game of talk as that I'll take up a collection among the +bootblacks of Texas to help pay his taxes. Fifteen millions in +three weeks! Oh my! Since "Count" Castellane pulled one leg off +the estate it is no larger than it was when old Jay went to +He-aven. Now Jay was an honorable man--at least he wouldn't steal +the buttons off your undershirt while you had it on, and hotel +keepers; did not take the precaution to chain his knife and fork +to the table; but in his palmiest days he paid taxes on but +$75,000 worth of personal property--railway securities and +"sich." Heavy crops, for which Providence and the industry of the +American people are alone responsible, have added somewhat to the +present earning power of railway properties, but it is doubtful, +if the total mileage and equipment owned by the Goulds would sell +for as much actual cash as before the election of McKinley. The +great bulk of the boasted advance in Gould securities consists of +wind pumped in by the "pulls"; but just the same the American +people will be bled to pay dividends on this speculative +boodle--both patrons and employees will suffer that interest +may be collected on "invested capital" which never had an +existence. But even were the dispatches true, what must be said +of a "business revival" that reduces wages, that adds enormously +to the wealth of the plutocrats while making economic conditions +harder for the great mass of the American people? The general +trend of wages is downward, while the cost of living is enhanced +by the Dingley tariff and the advance in flour caused by foreign +crop failures. Why? Because, despite the pumping of the +Republican press about the "return of prosperity," the country is +full of idle men, and the inevitable tendency of the gold +standard and high tariff is to increase their number and further +lower wages by the pressure of these people for employment. +Railway securities have advanced a little despite the repressive +effect of Republican policy, have beaten up somewhat against the +adverse winds, impelled by speculators whose vis vitalis was the +crops of the country--the great bulk of which were produced by +men who voted for Bryan. The necessary sequence of an +appreciating standard of value is depreciation in the selling +price of property, whether such property be Gould securities or +Irish potatoes; while a high tariff inevitably reduces tonnage +below what it would otherwise be--chisels a yawning hiatus into +the revenues of every American railroad. This fact is so +self-evident that it may seem unnecessary to say more on the +subject--that arguing the matter were like wasting time proving +that water is wet; but as a number of Republican papers are +having a serious of violent epeliptoid convulsions because I +recently asserted that a nation can only be paid for its exports +with its imports, it may not be amiss to make a few remarks +adapted to the understanding of the kindergarten class. Trade, +whether between the people of this republic, or those of Europe +and America, is, when reduced to the last analysis, nothing more +than an exchange of commodities. It may happen that we sell +largely to a country of which we buy but little; but the nations +that purchase of our debtor pay for our products. Our exports +usually exceed our imports, and for the simple reason that we owe +vast sums abroad, the surplus being employed in the payment of +interest and the discharge of our foreign indebtedness. When we +become a great creditor nation like England, our imports will +exceed our exports--we will begin to absorb the labor products of +foreign lands. If America received foreign gold for all her +exports it would be nothing more than a commodity weighed to her +at so much per ounce and which she might exchange at her good +pleasure for foreign goods, just as she does her cotton and corn. +Some gold crosses the sea; but it goes and comes just as go other +commodities--seeks the most advantageous market. A tariff wall, +by keeping foreign products OUT keep American products IN, +thereby narrowing our market and limiting production. If the +workman does not produce he cannot consume, and production +and consumption are the basis of railway business. But why, it +may be asked, would the railway corporations cut their own +throats by helping elect McKinley? Surely they understand their +business much better than does a Texas maverick-brander who +writes economic editorials while astride a mustang. Possibly so; +but it were well to remember that while it is evidently to the +interests of the stockholders of such a corporation that it +should prosper, the bond-owner, who is a kind of wholesale +pawnbroker and flourishes best during periods of business +depression, also has something to say. Whether the former +receives any dividends or not the latter must have his interest, +and the more of labor products required to pay it the more he is +enriched. The railway bondholder is usually the party who holds a +$500 mortgage on a $10,000 farm. Crops may fail, the hogs get the +cholera and the poultry die of the pips; cotton may go down and +cloth go up; but the sorrows of others cause him to lose no +sleep. As I have hitherto pointed out, we have it on the +authority of Mark Hanna's newspaper organ "lower wages are +certainly a feature of the new prosperity"--that the American +workman need not hope for permanent employment until willing to +accept the same wages paid "the pauper labor of Europe," from +whose disastrous competition the Republicans solemnly promised +him protection. If Supt. Trice is reducing wages and overworking +his men it may be accepted as certain that he is compelled +thereto by a higher power--that the edict has gone forth that the +employees of the I. & G. N. must work longer hours for less money +that interest be paid on the $15,000,000 which the blessed +"business revival" added to the value of Mr. Gould's securities +while he was idling about Europe. + + * * * +SALMAGUNDI. + + The daily press announces that there is to be another Cleveland +baby. It is to make its debut some time this month. "Mrs. +Cleveland has been sewing dainty garments all summer." "Presents +of beautiful baby clothes are arriving from friends and +relatives." Same old gush, gush, gush! slop, slop, slop! that has +set the nation retching three times already. Good Lord! will it +never end? The fecundity of that family is becoming an American +nightmare. Will the time ever come when a married woman of social +prominence can get into "a delicate condition" without having the +fact heralded over the country as brazenly as though she had +committed a crime? There being little hope that the daily +press--"public educator," "guardian of morality," etc.--will +suffer a renascence of decency, we can only appeal to Grover not +to let it happen again. He certainly owes it to the nation to +apply the soft pedal to himself. In no other way can he protect a +long-suffering nation from seasickness, or his estimable wife +from the unclean harpies of the press. I do not believe that Mrs. +Cleveland is particeps criminis in these pre-natal proclamations +to which the h'upper suckkles of New York are so shockingly +addicted. I do not believe that she cares to have the public +contemplating her profile portrait just previous to a +confinement. Of course it will be urged that a woman of much +native delicacy could never have married so crass an animal as +Grover Cleveland, have taken him fresh from the embraces of an +old harlot like Widow Halpin; but these forget that he held the +most exalted position of any man on earth, and his $50,000 per +annum had been touched by the genie-wand jobbery--forget that + + "--pomp and power alone are woman's care And where these are +light Eros finds a feere; Maidens like moths, are eer caught by +glare, And Mammon wins his way where Seraphs might despair." + +Probably she has regretted a thousand times that she bartered +her youth and beauty for life companionship with a tub of tallow, +mistaken at the time for a god by a purblind public, but even +though it be true, as often asserted, that the old boor gets +drunk and beats her, a woman could scarce apply for divorce from +a man who has twice been president. Furthermore, association with +such a man will lower the noblest woman to his level. Every +physiognomist who saw Frances Folsom's bright face, its +spirituelle beauty, and who looks upon it now and notes it +stolid, almost sodden expression, must recall those lines of +Tennyson's: + + "As the husband is the wife is; thou art mated with a clown, +And the grossness of his nature will have weight to drag thee +down. +Cursed be the sickly forms that err from honest Nature's rule, +Cursed be the gold that gilds the straiten'd forehead of the +fool." + + Last month it was announced with typographical and pictorial +trumpet blasts that Mrs. Harry Payne Whitney was about to present +her gilded dudelet with a family edition de luxe, and the Duchess +of Marlborough to find an heir to that proud title whose +foundation was laid with a sister's shame, the capstone placed by +the pander's betrayal of his rightful prince; and now before the +world can recover from its nausea, flaming headlines announce +that the Clevelands are about to refill the family cradle. Hold +our head, please, until we puke! Lord, Lord, is there nothing +sacred about motherhood any more? Is a married woman no better +than a brood-mare, her condition fair subject for comment by +vulgar stable-boys? We thank thee, O God, that the South has not +kept pace with New York's super-estheticism--that when our women +find themselves in an "interesting condition" they seek the +seclusion of the home instead of telephoning for a reporter and a +chalk artist and exploiting their intumescence in the public +prints. + + . . . + +Thomas M. Harris, who claims to be 84 years old, has writ a +little yellow pamphlet entitled, "Rome's Responsibility for the +Assassination of Abraham Lincoln." I have expended almost 5 +minutes glancing over Mr. Harris labored lucubations, and must +confess that I have in that time acquired more information--of +its kind--than I ever did in 5 hours before. Of the reliability +of his statements there can be no question, as most of them are +grounded on the testimony of "Father" Chiniquy--conceded to be +the most accomplished liar since Ananias gave up the ghost. It +was Chiniquy who first started the story that the Pope was +responsible for the assassination of President Lincoln, and I am +expecting him to prove that Guiteau who gave the death-wound to +Garfield, was a Jesuit in disguise and acted on orders received +from Rome. Harris says that agents of the Confederacy in +Canada--whom he admits were not Catholics--employed Booth and his +accomplices to do the bloody business; that John Wilkes Booth was +a Catholic; that the priests were all Southern sympathizers; that +but 144,000 Irishmen enlisted in the Federal army, of whom +104,000 deserted; that the cellars of Catholic cathedrals are +filled with munitions of war to be used against the government, +that Catholics hold the bulk of the offices and dominate the +American press. Harris says other things equally awful and +interesting. I much fear that he got to thinking how many of his +A. P. Apes have broken into the penitentiary, and dreamed a bad +dream. + + . . . + +I once mentioned a little saweiety sheet, published in New York, +under the title of Town Topics, because it afforded me a kind of +languid pleasure to kick the feculent sewer-rat back into the +foul cloaca from which it had crawled to beslime the ICONOCLAST. +I must beg the patient reader's pardon for again soiling my +sandal-shoon with what should only be touched with a shovel. I +have been receiving through the mails for some time past, both +from disgusted Northerners and indignant Southerners, a paragraph +clipped from its epecine columns where in some mental misfit +eager to do the Smart Alex act begs to be informed what right +Mrs. Jefferson Davis had "to address a peculiar letter to the +Queen Regent of Spain, demanding the release of a party accused +of a serious crime," then adds: "If Miss Cisneros is released it +will be because she is innocent, and not because her case has +been meddled with by a party of irresponsible old freaks." I +sometimes wish the ICONOCLAST had no lady readers, that I might +freely express my opinion of such pestiferous pole-cats. I dearly +love the ladies, but they are awfully in the way when only +full-grown adjectives will do a subject justice. If the Tee-Tee +editor had half the gumption of a Kansas Gopher he would know +that neither Mrs. Davis nor any other American woman made +such "demand." Perhaps he did not know it,--if it be possible for +the editor of such a quintessential extract of utter idiocy to +know anything--but couldn't resist the boorish impulse to insult +an aged woman, because he's built that way. The case of Senorita +Cisneros appealed to the sympathy of every manly man and noble +woman throughout the world--to every living creature within whose +hide there pulses one drop of human blood unblended with that of +unclean breasts. Mrs. John A. Logan, Mrs. Jefferson Davis and +other magnificent types of American womanhood, HUMBLY PETITIONED +the Queen Regent of Spain in behalf of the Cuban heroine. And +these noble women, whose names are respected in the very brothels +and boozing kens of Boiler Avenue, are referred to by this foul +parody on God's masterpiece as "a party of irresponsible old +freaks." Christ! is it possible that aught born of woman--that +any animal that can learn to walk on its hinder legs--should sink +to such infamous depths of degradation! Yet this is the fellow +who was so concerned for the feelings of certain sawciety she- +males who personated French prostitutes at the Bradley-Martin +debauch, that when I criticized their brazen bid for "business" +he came near having hydrophobia. Did the Tee-Tee trogolodyte +contain within his anthropodial diaphragm a single diatom of +decency he would have applauded Mrs. Davis' womanly act, else +blocked the yawning hole in his prognathic head with a flat-car +load of compost. If Mrs. Davis is permitted to petition the King +of Kings to have mercy on the miserable journalistic +piano-pounder for Gotham's high-toned honk-a-tonks, certainly she +may with propriety appeal to the substitute sovereign of a nation +of bankrupt assassins to spare Senorita Cisneros. + + . . . + +Lawd Chelmsfold, now inspecting the Canadian border to ascertain +what resistance it could offer in case of a brush with Uncle Sam, +is out with an interview in which he says one great element of +John Bull's strength is to be found in the fact that our +Anglomaniacs could never be convinced "of the justice of any war +that might spring up between America and Britain." Lawd +Chelmsford, like most Englishmen, is a large, juicy chump. Of +course our Anglomaniacs are all traitors in posse, as their Tory +forbears were in esse, and would sympathize with "deah old +England, dontcherknow," should war be precipitated by her burning +all our coast cities without provocation; but as Chimmie Fadden +would say, "Dat cuts no ice." They are but a few thousand in +number, and in the whole caboodle there's not a chappie who would +fight should a Digger Indian fill his ear with a bushel of +buffalo chips, squirt tobacco juice on his twousahs and throw +alkali dust in his optics. Lawd Chelmsford has suffered himself +to be deceived by the bloodless hermaphrodites employed on such +papers as Josef Phewlitzer's Verrult and Belo's double-barreled +Benedict Arnold. Still it is just as well to know that John Bull +considers that he can depend upon the sympathy and assistance of +our Anglomaniacs in case of war with this country. While these +fellows are slobbering over "the mother country," the leading +papers of London are sneering at the United States as "a +fourth-class power" and proclaiming that if it doesn't conduct +itself more to John Bull's liking, "it will soon feel the iron +hand beneath the velvet glove." Turn loose your "iron hand," you +old he-bawd--and you'll soon stick it further under your own +coat-tails than you did at Yorktown. . . . + +The New York Wail and Distress approves the scheme of Spain, +Italy and Germany, to establish a penal colony for anarchists. +Yes, yes, granny dear; but would it not be much better to alter +those conditions that produce anarchists. Anarchy is simply a +protest against oppression. When enough people in a revolt +against tyranny it becomes a successful revolution and its +promoters are enshrined in history as worthy patriots. When a few +men strike blindly but desperately at the hydra and are over- +powered, they are traitors or anarchists, rebels or rioters. The +Wail and Distress was once edited by a party who, according to +his father-in-law, "could be more kinds of a d--n fool than any +other man in the country," and it is evidently maintaining its +old-time reputation. + + . . . + +It is reported that a British company is about to secure control +of the Panama Canal. If it does so, John Bull will practically +have Uncle Sam surrounded, and it is worthy of remark that, +despite his tearful protestations of friendship, he fortifies +every strategical point regardless of expense. What does he want +with such Gibraltars as those at Van Couver, Halifax, Bermuda, +St. Lucia and half a dozen other points if he loves us so dearly +as Anglomaniacs would have us imagine? It costs hundreds of +millions to construct and equip these fortifications, yet they +are not worth a dollar to him except in case of war with this +country. The fact is that he expects another tussle with the +Western Titan--intends to precipitate it in his own good +time--when India is quieted and he has naught to fear from the +continental powers of Europe. Arbitration is the soothing lullaby +which Anglomaniacs are to sing to his unsuspecting "cousin" until +he gets his "iron hand" in order--weaves about him an +anaconda-coil of cannon. Despite all the milk-sick drivel anent +"ties of blood, language and literature," "community of interest +of the ger-ate and gal-orious Anglo-Saxon race, ad +infinitum, ad nauseam, the cold facts of history prove that for +more than a century, England has been our implacable enemy. Why? +Wounded pride in the first place, commercial rivalry in the +second; but the chief reason is that England desires to +perpetuate its supremacy as a world power, and sees growing up +here a giant who will sooner or later, as Napoleon said, "clip +the lion's claws." The best thing this nation can do is to +quietly "fix" itself, and then at the first provocation compel J. +B. to pull his freight completely out of the Western world. Uncle +Sam is an idiot to go practically unarmed while British guns are +pointing at his head from all directions. Arbitration the devil! +Dismantle that cordon of forts which you have built for our +benefit, and we may take some stock in your Pecksniffian +professions of friendship. "Actions speak louder than words," +says the old adage; and while J. B.'s words are those of Achates, +his acts are those of an enemy. The voice is the voice of Jacob, +but the hand is the hand of Esau. + + . . . + +If the dispatches from Hogansville, Ga. be correct, the present +federal administration is depriving American citizens of their +rights to an extent that suggests the impudence of Germany's +swell-head emperor or the petty tyranny of the Turk. It appears +that a nigger postmaster was appointed at that place who was +persona non grata, and the people employed at their own expense +the ex-postmaster to receive their mail for them from the moke. +Although a man has an inalienable right to appoint what agent he +pleases to receive his money or his mail, the ex-p. m. is to be +prosecuted for "conducting a post-office." They then ordered +their mail to an adjacent town and sent a private messenger for +it, but this was prohibited on the plea that a only government +has the right to establish a mail route." To crown the infamy the +people were not permitted to mail their letters on postal cars. +Here are three flagrant violations of the rights of American +citizens, and to compel them to patronize a nigger Republican +postmaster. The first agent employed by the people was no more +"conducting a post-office" than is the ICONOCLAST, which receives +and distributes the mail of a dozen or more people. The messenger +sent to the adjacent town was no more running a mail route than +is the farmer who brings to town the letters written by his +neighbors and carries back those intended for them. The postal +department has discharged its entire function when it receives +mail, by whosoever presented, and delivers it to those for whom +it is intended or to those duly authorized to receive it, and the +postmaster-general who permits the department to exceed that +simple duty and intermeddle with the rights of the people should +not only be impeached and removed from office in one time and two +motions, but taken by the slack of the pantalettes and pitched +headlong into the penitentiary. It appears that the indignant +people assaulted the nigger postmaster. That is indeed to be +regretted; still I can but wonder that they do not shoot the +whole umbilicus out of every impudent tool of a petty tyranny who +attempts to prevent them mailing letters on postal cars while +that right is freely accorded to others. The whole affair serves +to accentuate the contention of the ICONOCLAST that postmasters +should not be appointed by successful politicians, but elected by +the people. If the latter can be trusted to choose presidents, +congressmen, etc. they can certainly be trusted to select +competent men to lick stamps and shuffle postal cards. As matters +now stand the wishes of the people, who "pay the freight," are in +no wise respected--the pie is shoveled out to a horde of hungry +political heelers, not because of services rendered their +country, but as payment for their pernicious activity in +promoting the interests of a corrupt and conscienceless party. +Thus it happens that in about half the cases federal officials +are regarded with aversion by the people they are supposed to +serve. It is to be hoped that every Southern white man who +hereafter votes the Republican ticket will have his billets de +amour clapper-clawed and liberally scented by some big fat coon. + + . . . + +The Buffalo (N.Y.) Distress, commenting on the acquittal of a +negro near Barton, Ark., who killed another negro for having +criminally assaulted a woman of their own race, wants to know if +the law of justification would have held good had the rapist been +a white man. Had the Distress but paused to reflect that the +white men of Arkansas are free silver Democrats, it would not +have indulged in a supposition so far-fetched and foolish. Now in +Buffalo, which gave Cleveland to the country, and permits a +nigger-loving lazar like the editor of the Distress to run at +large, almost anything in petticoats, from old Sycorax to a +malodorous coon, might be in some danger of assault by so-called +Caucasians. + + . . . + +There's every indication that another gigantic prize fight fake +will soon make a swipe for the long green of the cibarious +sucker. Were it not a violation of the law of the land and the +canons of the Baptist church to wager money that we should give +to the missionaries, I'd risk six-bits that Corbett and +Fitzsimmons get together within a year and that the gamblers who +are on the inside "make a killing." For six months or more before +their last mill these two worthies chewed the rag, making +everybody believe that the battle was to be for berlud. The odds +were on Corbett, and he got lost in the shuffle as a matter of +course--just as Fitz did when he mixed it with Sharkey. Now the +rag-chewing has begun over again, and Bob is doing the lordly +contempt act just as Jeems did before the late unpleasantness. He +has "retired"--wants Corbett to "go get er repertashun"--says +"Corbett quit in the last go like er cowardly cur." It will take +time to work the thing up, to resuscitate the old excitement, to +set fools to betting wildly on their favorite; but when the +pippin's ripe it will be pulled. There's not the slightest reason +for the existence of any personal ill will between these +pugs--it's all in the play, and being bad actors they overdo the +part of Termagant, do protest too much. It is quite noticeable +that in the "big fights" nowadays nobody gets seriously bruised. +It's easy enough to start the claret, and an ounce o' blood well +smeared satisfies the crowd as well as a barrel. The result of +the "fight" will be determined beforehand--as soon as the +managers learn how they can scoop the most money. The best thing +you can do with your ducats is to send them to me with +instructions to bet them even that Bill McKinley's job will soon +fit Bryan. The man who bets on the result of a prize-fight ought +to have a guardian appointed. + + . . . + +A Los Angeles, Cal., correspondent informs me that the editor of +the Times of that town, who I trimmed up last month for +permitting impudent coons to insult Southern white women through +his columns, is named "Col." H. G. Otis, and that during the war +he commanded a negro company. He also sends me the following +extract from the alleged newspaper published by the ex-captain of +the Darktown Paladins: + + In considering the crimes of which some negroes are frequently +guilty it should not be forgotten that these traits of violent +sensuality are undoubtedly inherited from mothers and +grandmothers who were subjected to the lust of their masters +under the slavery system. In other words, the sins of the fathers +are being visited upon their children to the third and fourth +generation. + + That is a vast improvement over the original statement published +by Coon-Captain Otis to the effect that Southern white women seek +black paramours, and that most lynchings are caused by the guilty +parties getting caught. It is a matter of utter indifference to +the ex-slaveholders what this calumnious little fice says about +them, if he will but refrain from voiding his fetid rheum upon +their families. Doubtless some slaveholders were degraded +sensualists, but such were exceptions to the rule. Not one yaller +nigger in a hundred is the child of its mother's old master. +There were comparatively few mulattoes in the South before the +war, most of these were the offspring of white overseers--and it +is a notorious fact that a majority of our professional +"nigger-drivers" were from the North. This is no reflection on +the character of the Northern people--these fellows were simply +the feculent scum, the excrementitious offscourings of +civilization. And now I remember that a second-cousin of mine in +Kentucky has an overseer from Ohio named Otis. A very thrifty and +choleric man was my cousin, and considering a yaller nigger less +valuable than a black one, he threatened to subject his overseer +to a surgical operation if another half-breed pickaninny appeared +on the place. I do wonder if this "Col." Otis--who knew so much +about the management of coons that he was placed in command of a +colored company--can be the same fellow; also what was the result +of my relative's ultimatum? Can anybody in Los Angeles tell me +what state this "Col." Otis came from, or send me a good picture +of the ex-commander of coons? + + . . . + +While the preachers were hustling out of the fever infected +districts of Louisiana, the Sisters of Charity were hurrying in +from points as far distant as San Francisco. And what were the A. +P. Apes doing? They were standing afar off, pointing the finger +of scorn at these angels of mercy and calling them "prostitutes +of the priesthood." In this land every man has a perfect right to +entertain such religious views as he likes; but those who defame +women who cheerfully risk their lives for others' sake should be +promptly shot. "By their fruits ye shall know them," says the +Good Book; and while the Church of Rome is producing Good +Samaritans to wrestle with the plague, the A. P. Ape is filling +the penitentiaries. I care nothing for the apostolic pretensions +of the Pope or the dogmas of the Priesthood; but I'm strongly +tempted to make a few off-hand observations with a six-shooter +should these papaphobes speak disrespectfully of the Sisters of +Charity in my presence. + + . . . + +Justice Van Fleet of the supreme court of California recently +rendered an opinion which indicates the utter emptiness of our +boast that in this land all men are equal before the law. Because +of the confusion or ignorance of a new motorman, the young child +of a plumber, playing upon the track, was killed by an electric +car. The parents sued the company and were awarded damages in the +sum of six thousand dollars. Defendant took an appeal, which the +supreme court sustained, and the cause was remanded on the ground +that the damages awarded were excessive--that the boy would +probably have followed his father's occupation, and an embryo +workman is not, in Justice Van Fleet's opinion, worth so much +money! Measured by this standard, what would have been the +average "value" of American presidents when they were boys? Now +that Justice Van Fleet is measuring human life solely by the gold +standard, perhaps he can tell us what a juvenile Shakespeare or +Webster is "worth." I have held to the opinion heretofore that +blood could not be measured by boodle, that the children of the +common people were of as much importance in the eye of the law as +the progeny of the plutocrat--that the anguish of parents did not +depend on the length of the purse; but Justice Van Fleet seems to +agree with Kernan's weeping Canuck, that the more siller one has +the more deeply he feels the loss of a son. He seems to need a +powerful cardac for his heart and a hot mush poultice for his +head, being as fine a combination of knave and fool, as one can +easily find. Had the supreme court declared that the plaintiffs +in the case were not entitled to a dollar I would heartily +approve the opinion; but to measure the "value" of a son by the +gain-getting capacity of its sire is simply monstrous. A statute +should be enforced impartially, without regard to persons; but I +should like to see the law so amended that people could not trade +upon their tears, could not coin the blood of their relatives to +fill their pockets. A child should not be considered a piece of +property for which the accidental destroyer must PAY, just as a +railway company must cough up the cash value of the cow it kills. +As not one child in a thousand ever returns to its parents the +cost of its rearing it cannot be urged that the plaintiffs in +this case were pecuniarily damaged one penny. All they had to +sell was "mental anguish," and that should never be made a +merchantable commodity. We have criminal courts to deal with +those who, through criminal negligence or otherwise occasion +death. It may be argued that when the party killed has dependants +for whom he or she is providing, the slayer should be compelled +to make good the damage in so far as money can do it. I say +NO--that if there be blood guiltiness let the offender be +punished in accordance with our criminal code; if there be none +then is he blameless, and to deprive a person of his property +because of a harmless act is a crime. "But the dependants should +be provided for." Certainly they should; but not through rank +injustice to others. We are carrying entirely too far the theory +that the principal is responsible for the acts of his agents. If +the agent is guilty of criminal negligence he is punished by one +law and his principal by another; if the agent blunders he is +found not guilty and discharged, yet his principal is punished +for being a co-partner in his innocence. It should not be +forgotten that the agent of a private company is also a +representative of that larger and more powerful corporation which +we call the state. The private company can do no more than +outline his duty and discharge him for dereliction; the public +corporation not only prescribes his duty but imprisons or hangs +him for neglect; the private company is itself but a creation of +the state which exercises over it autocratic power while shirking +responsibility. If I loosen a rail on the "Katy" road and cause +the destruction of $100,000 worth of property the company must +pocket the loss, notwithstanding the fact that it is paying the +state for protection. If a dozen people are killed in the wreck +the relatives of the last one of them will sue for damages and +the state compel it to pay for its own failure to afford that +protection to which it is clearly entitled. What then? Let the +state issue life insurance at cost and compel every person who +has dependants to carry a policy payable on the annual +installment plan. For 5 or 6 cents a day it can, without loss, +issue a policy to every man in America that will provide his +family with the necessaries of life for at least ten years after +his death, and the man who cannot pay that premium is worth +precious little to anybody considered purely from an economic +standpoint. If the state wants to bring damage suits for the +slaughter of its citizens, well and good; but for God's sake let +us get rid of the degrading spectacle of people hawking the +corpses of their relatives through the courts. + + +A KANSAS CITY ARISTOCRAT. + +I sometimes rejoice with an exceeding great joy and take +something on myself that the ICONOCLAST is read by a million +truth-loving Americans, as I am thereby enabled not only to make +it uncomfortable for frauds and fakes, but to hold an occasional +bypedal puppy up by the subsequent end that Scorn may sight him +and stick her cold and clammy finger so far through his miserable +carcass that Goliah might hang his helmet on the protruding +point. Sometime ago I found America's meanest man in +Massachusetts: I have just discovered the most contemptible of +all God's creatures in Kansas City. Some may suppose that the +first discovery excludes the last; but such forget that there is +the same difference between cussedness and contemptibility that +exists between the leopard and the louse, between a Cuban +hurricane and the crapulous eructations of a chronic hoodlum. I +want the world to take an attentive look at one Walter S. +Halliwell, to make a labored perscrutation of this priorient +social pewee, this arbiter eligantarium of corn-fed aristocracy, +this Beau Brummel of the border, for though Argus had a compound +microscope glued to his every eye he might never look upon the +like again. He resembles a pigmy statue of Priapus carved out of +a guano bed with a muck rake and smells like a maison d'joie +after an Orange Society celebration of the Battle of the Boyne. +Mr. Halliwell evidently has an idea rumbling round in his +otherwise tenantless attic room that he's a Brahmin of the +Brahmins, an aristocrat dead right, a goo-goo for your Klondyke +galways, a Lady Vere de Vere in plug hat and "pants." He's the +Ward McAllister of Kay-See, the model of the chappies, and traces +his haughty lineage back in an unbroken line to the primordial +anthropoid swinging by his prehensile tail to a limb of the Ash +tree Ygdrasyl and playfully scratching the back of the hungry +behemoth with the jawbone of an erstwhile ichthyosaurian. Walter +S. Halliwell was born when quite young, where or why deponent +saith not, and had gotten thus far on life's tow-path, absorbing +such provender as he could come at, before I chanced to hear of +him. As there be tides in the affairs of men which taken at the +flood lead on to fortune, so there be waves which straddled at +the proper time will bear a Halliwell on their niveous crest to +the dizzy heights of fame, quicker'n the nictitation of a +thomas-cat. Walter made connection with the climbing wave, and +here he is, bumping the macrencephalic end of himself against the +milky-way and affrighting the gibbous moon. His opportunity to +make an immortal ass of himself, to earn catasterism and be +placed among the stars as an equine udder, thus happened to hap: +Kay-See was to have a "Karnival" modeled upon the pinchbeck rake +with which Waco worked the gullible country folk once upon a +time--when she so far forgot herself as to trade on womanly +beauty to make it a bunco-steerer for her stores. The chief +attraction wass to be a "Kween Karnation" and her maids of honor, +the latter consisting of the most beautiful young ladies of the +various Missouri towns. I presume that these fair blossoms were +(or will be, for I know not the date of the brummagen blowout) +paraded through the streets bedized in royal frippery to make a +hoodlum holiday while the megalophanous huckster worked the +perspiring mob with peanuts and soda pop, and the thrifty +merchant marked his shopworn wares up 60 per cent, and sold them +to confiding country men "at a tremendous sacrifice." I infer +from the dispatches that Halliwell was made lord high executioner +of the "Karnival"--at least accorded ample space in which to +wildly wave his asinine ears. Miss Edna Whitney, described as +being "one of the most beautiful young ladies of Chillicothe," +was put forward by her friends as a candidate for the honor of +representing that city at the royal court of "Kween Karnation," +the citizens to determine the matter by a voting contest. Now +Miss Whitney, while dowered with great beauty, popular and of +good repute, is a working girl instead of a fashionable +butterfly, being employed in a cigar factory. When it appeared +certain that she would bear off the honor, the snobocracy of +Chillicothe, furious at being "trun down" by a working girl, +appealed to Halliwell to exclude her from the contest, and this +miserable parody of God's masterpiece promptly wired that her +business occupation was an insuperable barrier. How's that for a +country boasting of "Liberty, Equality and Fraternity"--its press +and politicians ever prating of "the dignity of labor"! The +contest, I'm told, was open to all "respectable young women"; but +a working girl, though pure as the lily and fair as the rose, is +not considered "respectable" by the would-be patricians of +Corncob Corners and the grand panjandrum of the Kay-See Karnival! +Working girls must not presume to be pretty or popular or enter +into contests for holiday honors with the high-born daughters of +successful swindlers, but will be kindly permitted by the lordly +Halliwell to stand on the curb and see beauts who are only by the +grace of boodle, roll by like triumphant Sylla on Fortune's bike. +During the Saturnalia in ancient Rome the master acknowledged the +brotherhood of man by ministering to his slave; but Kansas City, +thanks to the omnipotent Halliwell, has cut the working class off +from mankind--the hewers of wood and drawers of water are no +longer considered human! Surely we are making rapid +"progress"--are nearing that point in time when the working +people will enter a protest against insult added to injury by +tying a few bow-knots in the rubber necks of presumptuous +parvenues. If it be a disgrace for a woman to work then is this +nation in a very bad way, for few of us are the sons or daughters +"of an hundred earls"--can go back more than a generation or two +without finding a maternal ancestor blithely swinging the useful +sad-iron or taking a vigorous fall out of the wash-tub. The +parents of some of the wealthiest people of Kansas City, the +bon-ton of the town, smelled of laundry soap, the curry-comb or +night-soil cart. Some made themselves useful as hash- slingers in +cheap boarding houses or chambermaids in livery stables, nursery +maids or barbers, while others kept gambling dens, boozing-kens +or even run variety dives. There is now a bright young woman +working for a wealthy man in Kansas City for six dollars a week. +The wife of her employer was once her mother's servant and +laundered her infantile linen. The ex-servant, scarce able to +read or write, ugly by nature and gross by instinct, is now a +glorious star in Fashion's galaxy, while the child whose diapers +she used to deodorize, compelled by poverty to accept employment, +is socially ostracized. People of gentle blood--those who for +many generations back have been educated men and cultured women, +do not act as do Halliwell and the snobocrats of Chillicothe. +These are giving a very exact imitation of people who lately came +up from the social gutter, and it were interesting to know how +far we would have to trace their "genealogical tree" before +finding something much worse than a working woman. It is said +that "three generations make a gentleman"; and if that be true +there is some hope of Halliwell's great-grandsons--granting, of +course, that the pusillanimous prig is not too epicene to provide +himself with posterity. Day by day it becomes more evident that +the purse-proud snobocracy of New York's old rat- catchers and +sprat peddlers is fast getting a foothold in the West, that the +social gulf between the House of Have and that of Have-Not, is +steadily widening and deepening--that we have reached that point +in national decay where gold suffices to "gild the straitened +forehead of the fool," where WEALTH instead of WORTH" makes the +man and want of it the fellow." Of course it is not to be +expected that working girls, however worthy, will be generally +carried on the visiting list of wealthy women, that their society +will be sought by the followers of Fashion. None expect this, and +few desire it. King Cophetua's beggar maid would have cut a sorry +figure at court ere his favor raised her to fortune. For +Cinderella to attend the Bradley-Martin ball clothed in rags +would be embarrassing both to herself and the company. The woman +who must work for a living has little time for the diversions of +the wealthy; and is usually too proud to accept costly social +courtesies which she cannot repay in kind. Society divides +naturally into classes, dilettantism and pococurantism +dawdling luxuriously here, labor at hand-grip with Destiny there. +"Birds of a feather flock together," say the old copy-books, and +Fortune gives to each such plumage as she pleases. Still, boodle +does not map out all the social metes and bounds. It was said of +old that every door opens to a golden key, but this is not +altogether true. The honest working girl shuns the society of the +wealthy wanton, and the stupid ignoramus, whatsoever his fortune, +is accorded no seat at the symposiac--is blackballed by the +brotherhood of brains. Imagine Goethe giving Richter the "marble +heart" or Byron snubbing Burns because of his lowly birth! The +world would be quick to rebuke their arrogance, would assure them +that a singer was not esteemed for his siller, but for his song. +In the carnival case it was a question of beauty not of boodle, +of popularity instead of purses, and to exclude from the contest +a candidate of the working class was to acknowledge her +superiority and avenge defeat with brutal insult that would shame +the crassest boor. The King of Syracuse was not ashamed to +contend with the humblest for Olympian honors, nor the Emperor of +Rome to measure swords with Thracian gladiators to prove his +skill at arms. Ever does genius sympathize with folly and the +truly learned with the unlettered; but Mammon "least erect of all +the angelic host that fell from heaven," puts the mark of the +beast on the brazen foreheads of all who bow down to his +abominations. When working-girls are treated thus, what wonder +that some of them become imbittered, discouraged, and go +head-long to the devil--affording the wretched pharisees whose +brutality wrought their ruin, an opportunity to "rescue" them and +pose before the world as Christian philanthropists! What +inducement has a young and beautiful woman to toil early and late +for an honest livelihood when by so doing she forfeits the right +to be called respectable--is flouted by even the paltry +plutocracy of a country town and proclaimed a social pariah by +such a headless phthirius pubis as Halliwell! If labor be no +longer respectable wherein are our thousands of virtuous working +girls superior to prostitutes? Clearly if the dictum of Halliwell +be correct it were better for the daughter of poverty to regard +her face as her fortune and hasten to sell herself--with approval +of law and blessings of holy church--to some old duffer with +ducats and be welcomed by the "hupper sukkle" as a bright and +shining ornament. Or if no beducated old duffer can be come at, +she might marry the first shiftless he-thing that offers itself +and pick up a luxurious livelihood for her family among her +gentlemen friends, as so many enterprising society women now do, +and be "respectable" to her heart's content--even a devout church +member and prominent in "rescue" work among fallen women. Somehow +I cannot help wondering whether Halliwell's respectability be not +due to some ancestor who was too lazy to work and too cowardly to +steal. To the grand army of working women I would say, Be not +discouraged by such gross affronts, prompted by splenetic hearts +and spewed forth by empty heads. You may be flouted on the one +hand by a few purse-proud parvenues and pitied on the other hand +by bedizened prostitutes, but the great world, which learned long +ago that the reptile as well as the eagle can reach the apex of +the pyramid, estimates you at your true worth and binds upon your +pure brows the victor's wreath, while ringing ever in your ears +like a heavenly anthem are the words of Israel's wisest--"A good +name is more precious than fine gold." + + P.S.--Since the foregoing was put in print I have received +Kansas City papers giving a fuller account of the affair, and it +is in every way more miserable than I had imagined. Halliwell, +who is bossee of the whole business, says he sent the telegram at +the request of the board of lady managers of the flower +parade--in other words, that, at the solicitation of a lot of +snobby old females, he made even a greater ass of himself than +nature had originally intended. Mrs. J. K. Cravens, chairman of +the aforesaid board, denies that the ladies had anything to do +with the matter, then flies into a towering passion "cusses out" +the newspapers, figuratively speaking, rips her silk lingerie to +ribbons, and otherwise conducts herself like a woman educated in +a logging camp. I shall not attempt to decide the question of +veracity between Halliwell and Mrs. Cravens, but that one is a +mental vacuum and the other a ripsnortin' old virago is +established beyond the peradventure of a doubt. Everybody +connected with the Karnival is doing the Artful Dodger act to +escape the withering storm of indignation which the pitiful +episode called forth from the American people. The most +encouraging feature of the whole affair is the withdrawal of +several of Chillicothe's society girls from the contest because +of the gratuitous insult tendered Miss Whitney in the Halliwell +telegram, thus indicating that the old town's upper ten is not +composed exclusively of pudding heads and parvenues. + + * * * +A PICTORIAL PAIN KILLER. + +Puck is what the erstwhile Artemous Ward would call a "yewmerous" +paper, and is published solely for the benefit of bad barbers. +When you take your seat in the butcher's shambles he provides you +with a copy of Puck because its jokes are so excruciatingly +painful that it pulls your piligerous annex out with a +stump-extractor and rubbed aqua fortis into your face with a bath +brick, the physical ill would be forgotten in the mental agony. I +never saw anybody but a barber purchase a copy of Puck not any +son of Adam reading it outside a "tonsorial parlor." Should the +Populists carry the country and barbers be tabooed Puck's mission +on earth would be ended--unless it could persuade dentists to +adopts it as an anaesthetic, and sheriffs to read it to condemned +criminals to make them yearn for death. The last time I was +shaved the razor pulled so dreadfully that I sought refuge in +this pictorial pain-killer's editorial page. I there learned, +much to my surprise, that the rise in the price of wheat had +killed the silver cause; also that W. J. Bryan had "said, in that +pose of easy omniscience for which he became remarkable, that 'a +bushel of wheat and an ounce of silver were ordained by nature to +become equal each to the other'--'wheat cannot rise unless silver +rises.' " If W. J. Bryan said that, even in his salad days, he's +a hopeless damphool, unfit to be pound-master, much less +president; but I'll pay two-bits for incontestable evidence that +he ever made such an idiotic remark. My private opinion is that +the malice of Puck's mendacity is equalled only by its +awkwardness. It is possible that its editor mistakes falsehood +for fun. Or he may have heard somewhere the statement he parrots +and really supposed it true, for a man capable of conducting so +jejune a journal might easily believe anything. Another article +in his paper says that Cardinal Wolsey managed all "Bluff King +Hal" divorce business, while the fact is that his hostility to +that feculent old tub of tallow's matrimonial crimes was the +efficient cause of his downfall. As a historian Puck is about as +reliable as Mark Twain's acerbic old sea captain; hence his +asservations anent Bryan's utterances should be taken with +considerable chloride of sodium. Every man who knows as much +about political economy as a terrapin does of the Talmud is well +aware that a rise in the price of one commodity simultaneous with +the decline in price of another commodity has nothing whatever to +do with the currency question. Those who cackle about a rise in +wheat synchronously with the fall of silver make a very indecent +exposure of their own ignorance. If I had a ten-year old boy who +was such a hopeless idiot I'd drown him as not worth honest grub, +then seek a surgeon and make sure that I'd never again inflict +the world with progeny cursed with cretinism. Wheat went up and +silver down, as Mr. Bryan recently explained to the satisfaction +of every man possessing an ounce of brains, simply because the +demand for the one was increased by foreign crop failures, the +demand for the other decreased by Anglo-Cleveland skull-duggery. +"Law of supply and demand," bawls Puck and all the other +journalistic puppets of an impudent plutocracy. You miserable +little hiccius doctius, do you expect to deceive an intelligent +people with that kind of howl, while the trade in wheat is left +untrammeled and the demand for silver arbitrarily limited by law? +Suppose that while the world's wheat fields were producing +abundantly the leading nations should prohibit their people +purchasing any more of that cereal for food production; would any +macrocephalous donkey ascribe the decline in the price of wheat +to "the immutable law of supply and demand?" When silver is +placed on an equality with all other commodities; when the people +are permitted to freely employ it as they please, then will the +natural law of supply and demand apply to the white metal, and +New York editors cease to jabber financial nonsense with the +stupid persistence of a poll-parrot praising its own personal +pulchritude. The editor of Puck should avoid political economy as +a subject a trifle too large for the knot on the end of his neck, +and confine himself to his threadbare specialty, that of +belittling the Jews with his watery wit and atribilarious art. +The only funny thing I find in his paper is its solemn "notice to +publishers" that all its raccous rot is copyrighted, that +infringement will be "promptly and vigorously prosecuted." The +editor who would steal from Puck would walk through +Stringfellow's fruit farm to crib a wilted cabbage leaf from a +blind cow. The best things in Puck scarce rise to the dignity of +Slob Snots' milk-sick drivel in the Gal-Dal, while Texas has a +hundred country editors pulling a Washington hand press and +building stallion poster, who could write brighter things if they +were drunk--or dead. "Promptly and vigorously prosecuted" O the +devil! Why don't you say that you'll have any fool who attempts +to father your hand-made yermer sent to an insane asylum to be +treated for prolapsus of the intellect? + +* * * +MAN'S GUST FOR GORE. + +Hon. Chas. P. Johnson has written for the Globe-Democrat an +article that will doubtless receive the careful consideration of +every sociologist, for he therein assumes that man's instincts +are as brutal and bloody to-day as in those far times when, clad +only in his "thick natural fell," and armed with a stone, he +struggled for food with the wild beasts of the forest--that the +prevalence of lynchings is not due to incompetency of our +criminal courts, but to an alarming revival of savagery in man +himself. He declares that our courts are more effective than ever +before, but that Judge Lynch continues active without other cause +than the inability of the people to restrain their murderous +proclivities. He assures us that the entire suppression of the +savage instinct is impossible by any civilization whatever, and +adds that "its control and regulation is as difficult to-day as +it has been at any period since the historical birth of man." Why +this is so he does not directly say, but the following paragraph +is significant: + + "Perhaps the statesmanship which looks solely to the development +of our material resources and the accumulation of wealth is +overlooking the growth and development of many social vices which +may yet engulf us in a vortex of anarchical passion or +governmental revolution." + +Thus Mr. Johnson endorses the position of the ICONOCLAST that +the getting of gain should not constitute the sole aim of man; +that society cannot long exist with self- interest for "sole +nexus," as the French physiocrats would say--that the worship of +Mammon is dragging us back to barbarism. It is quite true that +man's savage instincts cannot be wholly eradicated; and it is +likewise true that could you drain all the Berserker out of his +blood he would sink to the level of an emasculated simian. A man +in whom there's no latent savagery were equivalent to mint julep +in which buttermilk were used as a succedaneum for bourbon. Life, +we are told, is "a battle and a march," and an indispensable +prerequisite for such stubborn work, call it by what name you +will, is but a refinement of the barbaric gust for blood. Whether +he be poet or philosopher, priest or prophet, it is the combative +man--the man who would find a wild fierce joy in a bayonet +charge--who wins new territory from the powers of Darkness and +the Devil. Man IS a savage, and civilization but a cloak with +which he covers his ferocity as best he can. If the cloak be +scant--as with the Turk--or frayed by time--as with the +Spaniard--we may expect to catch frequent and shocking glimpses +of the predacious animal. But Mr. Johnson is mistaken in +supposing that the lynchings of which he complains evidence an +abnormal thirst for blood on the part of the American people. He +says: + +"As the masses of ancient Rome enjoyed the carnage of the +amphi-theater; as the populace of Paris crowded with eager +avidity around the guillotine to see the blood gush from the +heads and trunks of the victims of the revolutionary tribunal; as +the Spaniard in holiday attire followed over the plaza the +procession and rapturously looked upon the execution of the +wretches of the auto da fe; as in all ages the spirit of savagery +has made men to enjoy scenes of suffering, brutality and +death--so does the modern mob look with frenzied delight upon +like exhibitions to-day." + +For a man so erudite and earnest, Mr. Johnson comes painfully +near being ridiculous. The evidence is ample that never since the +first settlement of this country have the people found LESS +pleasure in the effusion of blood and scenes of brutality. +Instead of the savage instinct becoming dominant, we are fairly +open to the charge of effeminacy, of super-estheticism. Our very +sports are becoming namby pamby as those of the Bengalese, the +element of danger which gave zest to them in auld lang syne being +all but eliminated. Bear-baiting, cocking- mains, shin-kicking, +bulldog-fighting, etc., all greatly enjoyed by the general public +a generation or so ago, are now quite generally tabood. Many of +us can remember when pugilism was practiced with bare-knuckles +and every fight to a finish; it is practiced now with feather +pillows "for points," and under police supervision. About the +only game left us that is more dangerous than playing +Presbyterian billards with an old maid from Boston is college +football, and even that will soon be stripped of its vigor on the +plea that it is barbarous. When our fathers quarreled they took a +pot-shot at each other at ten paces; now disagreements involving +even family honor are carried into the courts--the bloody Code +Duello has been relegated to "innocuous desuetude." Texas is +supposed by our Northern neighbors to be the "wurst ever," the +most bloodthirsty place this side the Ottoman Empire; yet the +Houston Post, leading paper of Harris county, is crying its poor +self sick because some peripatetic Ananias intimated to an +Eastern reporter that our wildest and wooliest cowboys would even +think of shooting the pigtail off a Chinaman bowling along on a +bike. Our governor earned the title of "heroic young Christian" +by calling a special session of the legislature to prevent Prof. +Fitzsimmons giving it to Prof. Corbett "in de slats" with a buggy +cushion--was re-elected on the proposition that a boxing- match +is "brutal"--which proves that our people are not ahunger and +athirst for gore, do not yearn for the sickening scenes of the +Roman amphitheatre, where holy virgins by turning their thumbs up +or down, decided questions of life and death. "Bloodthirsty?" +Good Lord! The average American would grow sick at the stomach if +required to slaughter a pullet with which to regale the palate of +his favorite preacher. During the past two decades we have +practically become Quakers, and now suffer foreign powers to vent +their rheum upon us and rub it in, because to maintain our +dignity might precipitate a war, and bloodshed is so very brutal. +Mr. Johnson seems to imagine that the usual method of procedure +in Judge Lynch's court is for the mob to trample its victim to +death, bray him in a mortar, kerosene him and set him on fire, +then dance the carmagnole around his flaming carcass. This, I am +pleased to remark, is simply a mid-day nightmare which should be +subjected to hydropathic treatment, reinforced with cracked ice +and bromo-seltzer. As a rule lynchings are conducted in quite as +orderly and humane a manner as legal esecutions. It is true that +cases have occurred, when the public patience had become +exhausted by repeated offenses, or the crime committed was +peculiarly atrocious, wherein respectable God-fearing men were +seized with a murderous frenzy, and whole communities noted for +their culture, united in torturing or burning at the state the +object of their displeasure; but these were usually instances +where failure to enforce the law was notorious, or it did not +provide an adequate penalty. The courts imprison the man who +steals a mule, or even a loaf of bread to feed a starving family. +They hang the man who in a fit of rage of jealousy or drunken +frenzy commits a homicide: they can do no more to the brutal buck +negro who ravishes and murders a white babe--so Judge Lynch takes +cognizance of his case and builds for him a beautiful bonfire; +but the average lynching appeals no more strongly to the savage +instincts of man than does a hanging by the sheriff. Then, it may +be asked, why do lynchings occur. I have treated this subject at +considerable length in former issues of the ICONOCLAST, hence +will but recapitulate here and add a few observations suggested +by Mr. Johnson's very able but sadly mistaken article. Lynchings +occur because, whatsoever be the efficiency of our courts, they +are a trifle shy of public confidence; because there are some +offenses for which the statutes do not provide adequate +penalties; because the people insist that when a heinous crime is +committed punishment follow fast upon the offense instead of +being delayed by a costly circumlocution office and perhaps +altogether defeated by skillful attorneys--men ready to put their +eloquence and tears on tap in the interest of worse criminals. I +will not take issue with so distinguished an authority as Mr. +Johnson regarding the competency of our courts to deal with +criminals in accordance with the laws of the land; but the people +see that despite the vigilance of officers, the erudition of +judges and the industries of juries, murders multiply, rapes +increase and portable property remains at the mercy of the +marauder. If my memory of statistics does not mislead me, we have +in the United States something like 10,000 homicides per annum, +while every newspaper teems with accounts of robbery and rape. +When we consider this in connection with the further fact that +the courts continue to increase in cost--are already a veritable +Old Man of the Sea about the neck of the Industrial Sinbad--can +we wonder at the impatience of the people? But there is another +feature which Mr. Johnson has quite overlooked in his vision of a +brutal mob drunk with blood--like most lawyers, he stands too +close to his subject to see more than one side, views it from +beneath rather than from above. We set a higher value on human +life than did our ancestors of the old dueling days. This may be +called the Age of Woman--the era of her apothesis. She occupies a +higher intellectual, social and political level than ever before +in human history, and as she increases in importance crimes +against her person assume more gravity. A generation ago such a +thing as the criminal assault of a white woman by a negro was +almost unknown, but now it is of every day occurrence; thus as +womanhood becomes more sacred in our eyes it is subjected to +fouler insult. Nor is this all: The American people are becoming +every year more mercurial. The whole trend of our +civilization--of our education, our business, even our +religion--is to make us neurotic, excitable, impatient. In our +cooler moments we enact laws expressive of mistaken mercy rather +than of unflinching justice. Some of the states have even +abolished capital punishment and in but one can a brute be tied +up and whipped for the cowardly crime of wife-beating. We +establish courts rather to acquit than to convict by +disqualifying intelligence for jury service and enforcing the +stupid unit rule. We provide convicts with comforts unknown to +millions of honest working men and regard them as poor +unfortunates to be "reformed rather than as malefactors to be +punished. And when our misguided mercy has borne its legitimate +fruit we take fire, curse the laws and the courts, seize and hang +the offender, and have the satisfaction of knowing that there's +one less monster alive in the land. Mr. Johnson suggests no +remedy for what he regards as the evil of the age, and is +therefore like unto the doctor who volunteers the entirely +superfluous information that you "have a misery in your innards," +but provides neither pill nor poultice. As Judge Lynch probably +makes fewer mistakes than do the courts; as those he hangs +usually deserve hemp and he renders no bill of costs to the +country; and as the people are the creators and not the creatures +of the courts, I am not particularly interested in his +suppression, notwithstanding the fact that he seriously +interferes with the material welfare of the professional juror +and my lawyer friends. But were I duly ordained to perform that +duty I would not begin by creating new deputies or calling out +local militia companies to shoot down their neighbors and +friends, to protect the miserable carcass of a rape-fiend. I +would wipe out our entire penal code and frame a new one in which +there would be no comfortable penitentiaries. If a man were found +guilty of rape or homicide I'd promptly hang him, if of a less +heinous offense I'd give him stripes proportionate to his crime +and turn him loose to earn a livelihood and thus prevent his +family becoming a public burden. For the second offense in crimes +like forgery, perjury, theft, arson, etc., I'd resort to the +rope. I would abolish fines in misdemeanor cases, thereby putting +the rich and poor on a parity, and set the offenders in the +stocks. I'd get rid of the costly delays which are the chief +cause of lynchings, by elective jurors and the majority rule, by +appointing one man well learned in the law to see that all the +evidence was properly placed before the court, and advise the +rest of the legal fraternity now making heaven and earth resound +with their eloquence and weeping crocodile tears at so much per +wope, that it were better to make two fat shoats flourish where +one hazel- splitter pined in the hitherto, than to employ their +talents and energies securing the conviction of the innocent and +the aquittal of the guilty. By such a system almost any criminal +case could be fairly tried in a couple of hours. If the defendant +desired to appeal from the sentence of the court, instead of +sending the case up to a higher tribunal thereby entailing heavy +cost and vexatious delay, I would empanel a new jury then and +there, composed of reputable citizens of the community, retry the +case, and if the first verdict was confirmed, the sentence should +be executed within the hour. The quicker the courts "get action" +on an offender the more terror they inspire in the criminal +classes and the better they please the people. If a murderer or +rape-fiend captured at daylight could be fairly tried and +executed by sundown Judge Lynch would speedily find himself +without an occupation. + + * * * +A RIGHT ROYAL ROAST. +THE ICONOCLAST MADE HARD TO CATCH. + +Galveston, Tex., August 12, 1897. +MR. W. C. BRANN: + +In your editorial on the "Henry George Hoodoo," which appears in +the August number of the ICONOCLAST, the following passage +occurs: "It seems to me that I have treated the Single Taxers as +fairly as they could ask, and if I now proceed to state a few +plain truths about them and their faith they will have no just +cause to complain." From the tone and tenor of these words it is +fair to assume that in the editorial referred to you have +discharged against the Single Taxers and their faith the heaviest +broadsides of which your ordnance is capable. If, notwithstanding +all the time you have wasted "crucifying the economic mooncalf" +which has played such sad havoc with the wits of Single Taxers, +it should turn out that the monstrous concept, far from being +crucified, annihilated, or even "dying of its own accord," only +gathers strength, energy, and renewed activity from the healthful +exercise with which you provide it, must it not seem the part of +prudence for you, even if occasion of regret for us, that you +should abandon the war and leave the calf to his fate? Your +belated and apparently desperate resolve to "tell some plain +truths" about us, Single Taxers, justifies the inquiry, what were +you telling before? The fact that it seems to yourself that you +have treated Single Taxers fairly is not absolutely irrefragible +proof that they have been so treated at least it has not brought +conviction of the fact to them. That the offer of your space to +Mr. George was courteously declined affords no just ground for +refusing it to those "whose matin hymn and vesper prayer reads, +there is no God but George," etc. I'll warrant you that if you +and the Single Taxers had access on equal terms to a journal +which neither controlled, and whose space both were bound to +respect, you would not have to go outside the limits of your own +state to find a dozen foemen worthy of your steel, and I'd stake +my life on it that you'd find not a few to unhorse you. This is +not claiming that any one of them, or all of them together, can +come anywhere near you in the artistic manipulation of words or +the construction of ear-tickling phrases; but it is claiming, and +that without any false pretense of modesty, that they have yet +seen no reason to fear you in rigidly logical argument when the +Single Tax is the question at issue. Their cause is so palpably +just, its underlying principle so transparently simple and +elementary, its practical application so direct, feasible and +efficient that no mere wizardry of words, no thimble-riggery or +language, can by any possibility obscure the principle--or +confuse the advocates. Of course there are among Single Taxers, +as among other enthusiasts, men who indiscreetly use abuse for +argument, and of these you may have some reason to complain; but +should not your great talents and the immense advantages which +the undisputed control of your own journal give you, enable you +to rise above their abuse, to ignore it completely, and to +grapple with only those who present you with argument? I have no +right to expect from you more consideration than has been meted +out to better men; still, you can but refuse this rejoinder to +your August editorial, which is respectfully offered for +publication in your journal. If you are quite sure of your +ground, you can only gain strength from exposing my weakness, but +even if you are not sure of it, both the requirements of simple +justice and the amende honorable to Single Taxers would still +plead for the publication of this article. + +You say that Mr. George has obtained no standing of consequence +in either politics or economics "because his teachings are +violative of the public concept of truth." Do you really believe +that the fact that he has obtained no standing of consequence in +politics is in any way derogatory to his character or his +teaching? Do you not know full well that a Bill Sykes, a Jonas +Chuzzlewit, or a Mr. Montague Tigg would have a hundred chances +to attain that distinction to-day to the one chance that Henry +George, Vincent de Paul or even Jesus Christ would have? Don't +you know this well, and if you do, why do you use it as an +argument against Henry George? As to his standing in economics, +that, I submit, is a matter of opinion. You think he has no +standing of consequence; I think his teaching is the most active +ferment in the economic thought of to-day. We may be both +mistaken, but whether we are or not cuts no figure in the truth +or falsity of the Single Tax. But it is worth while to point out +that the reason you have given for his lack of "standing" lends +neither weight nor force to your argument. "Because," you say, +"his teachings are violative of the public concept of truth." +When did the public concept of truth become the standard by which +to test it? The public concept of the best form of money is, and +has been for thousands of years, gold and silver coins. I am much +mistaken if that be your concept. By the way, why did you not say +"violative of truth," instead of "violative of the public +concept," etc.? I guess you had an inward consciousness that a +thing is not true or false by public concept, but by being +inherently so. What Henry George taught was inherently true or +false before he ever taught it, and would be so still if he had +been never born. The only difference would be that so many of us +who now bask in the blessed light of inward, if not of outward, +freedom would, in that event, be still barking with the great +blind multitude over every false trail along which blinder +teachers might be leading them and us. + +You admit that Mr. George is a polemic without a peer, and you +say that "no other living man could have made so absurd a theory +appear so plausible, deceived hundreds of abler men than +himself." Surely there is something very faulty in the position +you assume here. If what you say be so, how do you know that you +are not yourself the victim of deception at the hands of some +inferior? Or is it only men who have "gone daft on Single Tax" +that possess the extraordinary power of leading abler men than +themselves by the nose? Surely that were too much honor for an +antagonist to concede to them. More surely still, if a man's +intelligence is not proof against deception by inferiors in +argument, he can never reach finality in a process of reasoning, +and logical proof for him there is none. + +"He mistakes the plausible for the actual and by his sophistry +deceives himself." O pshaw! We all say things sometimes that just +do for talk, but this hasn't even that poor excuse. I might just +as well say, "He takes the conceivable for the supposable and by +his logic enlightens himself. One statement would be as valuable +as the other and neither would be worth a pinch of snuff. Come, +let us argue with dignity and composure, like honest men +sincerely searching after truth, and eager to lend a hand in +abolishing this social Inferno of legalized robbery which fairly +threatens to consume us all. + +There is, you'll admit, such a thing as land value, i. e. value +attaching to land irrespective of improvements made in or on it +by private industry. This value arises from the presence of a +community and can never actually exist without it. If the +exclusive creator or producer of a thing is its rightful owner, +land belongs to the community that creates or produces it, and +can never, in the first instance, rightly belong to any other +owner. The Single Tax is the taking of this value for this +community. Is it just? The highest homage, the highest act of +faith which the human mind and heart can offer to God is to say +that He could not be God and pronounce the Single Tax unjust! +Here now is a gage of battle cast at the feet of whoever wishes +to take it up, be the same logician, metaphysician or theologian. +(Pardon me, Mr. Brann, for momentarily turning aside from you.) + +The justice of the Single Tax is beyond all question of +refutation. What about its efficiency for the cure of social +ills? Here, I think, is where we are widest apart. You say, "the +unearned increment is already taken for public use under our +present system of taxation." If by "unearned increment" you mean +what I have defined as land value (and I think you do) your +statement is the wildest and most astounding I ever heard or read +from a sane man making an argument. Is it possible you have not +learned that where all the land value is taken in taxation there +can be no selling value? And where is the land to-day with a +community settled upon it that has not selling value? If land +value is already absorbed by taxation, what is it that goes to +maintain landlordism? Perhaps you'll contend that landlordism +doesn't exist. What value is it that a man pays for when he buys +an unimproved lot in the heart of a city? What is it that the +boomer booms and the land speculator gambles on when he adds acre +to acre and lot to lot without any intention of productive use? +What, if not the community value which he expects to attach to +his land as a result of increase of population? And what +advantage to him as a speculator would this community value be +if, as you claim, it is now being absorbed in taxation and should +continue to be so absorbed as fast as it arises? Do landlords in +cities and towns retain for themselves only the rent of buildings +and hand over to the government the full amount of their ground +rents as tax? I know an old eye-sore of a building in this city +not worth $150, whose occupant pays $100 a month rent. Do you +seriously believe that all of this $1,200 a year which does not +go to the city and state in taxes is rent on the old $150 +rat-warren? Why, the thing is too childish for serious +discussion; and to have discussed it with you without having been +driven to it by yourself, I should have regarded as in the nature +of a slight on your intelligence. If what you claim as a fact +were true, we would have the Single Tax in full swing now and +would be fretting ourselves to fiddle-strings, not to bring it +about, but to get rid of it for its evil fruit. + +As to whether the Single Tax, in full force, would provide enough +revenue for municipal, county, state and federal governments, we, +Single Taxers, are not greatly concerned. We have our own +opinions on that question and can give better reasons for them +than our opponents can give for theirs. But the question is not +essential to our argument. What we hold to is that until land +values fully taxed prove inadequate for the expenses of +government economically administered, not one cent should be +levied on labor products, no matter in whose possession found. +This, however, belongs to the fiscal side of our reform. Of +infinitely more importance is the social side. Here our end and +aim is to secure to all the sons of Adam an equal right to life, +liberty and pursuit of happiness by securing to them an equal +right in the bounties of nature--and passing strange it certainly +is that men who would not dream of denying this right in the +abstract are ever ready to anathematize it in the concrete. + +With the Single Tax in force, that is, with the plain behest of +nature observed and respected, no man will hold land out of use +when, whether he uses it or not, he must pay to the community its +annual value for the privilege of monopolizing it. No man will +hold land for a rise in community value when that value is taken +from him for the use of the community as fast as it arises. No +man will need to mortgage his home and the earnings of his +most vigorous years to a boomer or speculator for the privilege +of living on the earth for there will be no boomer or speculator +to sell him the privilege, and the privilege itself will have +ceased to be such and become an indefeasible right. + +"He (Mr. George) is a well-intentioned man who confidently +believes he can make the poverty-stricken millions prosperous by +revoking the taxes of the rich and increasing the burthens of the +poor." Fie, fie! What is to be gained by such transparent, +palpable misrepresentation as this? Do you verily believe that +land values, which Mr. George proposes to tax, are mainly in +possession of the poor? Did you not see--of course you did--a +diagrammatic exhibit made not long ago by the New York Herald of +the holdings of twenty New York real estate owners? Let me quote +a passage from an article in the New York Journal on this +exhibit: + + "The reason 170 families own half of Manhattan Island, as stated +in the Herald, and that 1,800,000 out of the two million +residents of Manhattan Island, until very recently, had no +interest whatever, except as renters, in this superb property, is +because, until the last few years, it required a fortune to own +the smallest separate parcel of this great estate. Only the rich +could participate in its ownership, its income, its profits." + + Now is it your view that all this is but clumsy lying, and that +in reality it is the poor people of New York as of other large +cities that own the bulk of its land values? Again you say, "He +would equalize the conditions of Dives and Lazarus by removing +the tax from the palace of the one and laying it upon the potato +patch of the other." This statement is much more artistic than +the preceding one. It wears a jaunty semblance of truth. Indeed +it is true in a sense as far as it goes. But it is vague and +incomplete, and for that reason as deceptive and misleading as +half truths always are. With your permission I will fill it out +in parenthesis and convert it into an honest whole truth: "He +would equalize the conditions of (both freedom and justice for) +Dives and Lazarus by removing the tax from the palace of the one +(and from the labor products of the other) and laying it upon +(the community value of the land occupied by the palace and) the +potato patch of the other." Now, if the potato patches of the +poor occupy, as a rule, more valuable land than the palaces of +the rich, there might be some apparent ground for your +contention. It would be only apparent, however, for in such a +case the potato patch would be as much out of place as a public +school on a wharf front. To devote highly valuable land to +ordinary potato culture would be about as sensible as to print +the Sunday edition of the Galveston News on costly linen paper. +One of the virtues of the Single Tax is its potency to prevent +such stupid waste of opportunity. Your way of stating the case, +however, has this virtue that it is a welcome variation of the +old wearisome chestnut about the poor widow owning a valuable +lot, etc. + +You believe Progress and Poverty inspired by the plutocracy, +"250,000 of whom own 80 per cent. of the taxable wealth of the +country, while the land is largely in possession of the great +middle class." Passing over the source of the inspiration, you +have come pretty close to the truth here! Unfortunately for you, +however, the statement has no value in the argument. Single +Taxers do not need to deny that the great middle class largely +own the land, but they do claim, and you won't have the hardihood +to deny it, that the plutocracy own the vast bulk of the land +values. You will perceive the distinction when you reflect that +the land is nearly all out in the country, while the land values +are nearly all in the cities and towns. To tax land according to +area is the bug-a-boo you are putting up your guards to; to tax +it according to community value is what we invite you to smash if +you can. You "cannot understand how a man possessed of common +sense could fail to see that removing taxation from the class of +property chiefly in the hands of the rich and placing it +altogether on property chiefly in the hands of the comparatively +poor, could fail to benefit the millionaire at the expense of the +working man." Neither can I, if you tax it according to quantity, +but that is not the Single Tax and it is time you knew it. Let me +tell you now something that I can't understand--why a man who has +the means and the ability to strike giant blows for the cause of +the blind, stupid, plundered humanity prefers to waste his time, +his talents, his opportunities making himself a straw man and, +with that silly-looking thing for antagonist, belaboring all +about him like a bull in a china shop. You sincerest +well-wishers, of whom I claim to be one, earnestly hope you will +soon change your tactics. + +You ask some practical questions which it may be well to answer: +"How will you prevent the Standard Oil Company forcing weaker +concerns to the wall by the simple expedient of selling below +cost of production?" The Standard Oil trust is maintained (1) by +monopoly of oil lands; (2) by monopoly of pipe lines; (3) by +collusion with railroads. The Single Tax and its corollaries +would absolutely destroy each of these advantages; (1) by +throwing unused oil lands open to all on equal terms; (2) by +government ownership or complete control of pipe lines to all +distributing points, such lines being open for use to all oil +producers on equal terms; (3) by exactly analogous treatment of +railroads. With the three-fold monopoly of oil lands, pipe line, +and railroad abolished, the Standard Oil trust would find no wall +against which to crush weaker concerns. As to the trust, we hope +that the abolishment of the thieves' compact, i.e. the protective +tariff, will make the trusts sick unto death. Absolute free +trade, a necessary concomitant of the Single Tax, will leave 99 +per cent. of the trusts stranded. If any survive it will not be +the fault of the Single Tax. Be it remembered that the evils +which the Single Tax is guaranteed to cure are, primarily, land +monopoly, and, secondarily, all the other monopolies based upon +it; as those of the coal, iron and lumber trust, the Standard Oil +trust, etc. + +"With coal fields leased to the operators by Uncle Sam, how would +you prevent Hanna organizing a pool, limiting production, raising +prices and reducing wages?" Coal fields are included in the +economic term, land. When unused land is free for occupancy, +unused coal fields will also be free. If Mark sought to limit +production by shutting down his mines, one of two things would +happen. Either somebody else would start in to mine coal, or +Mark's tax would be raised till the wisdom of either letting go +or resuming would dawn on his fat wits. Unless he owned or +controlled the coal fields he could not limit production, raise +prices, or cut down wages. "How will you prevent the Standard Oil +company forcing weaker concerns to the wall by the simple +expedient of selling below cost of production?" We wouldn't +prevent them. But if they afterwards tried to recoup their losses +by raising prices as they do now, we might get after them with a +tax commensurate with their asinine generosity, and keep after +them till other concerns got well on their feet. If they became +too refractory, what's to prevent the government from taking hold +itself and working the oil wells for the benefit of the whole +people? Remember the government is theoretically the people's +servant, and it could be actually so if the people only had a +little intelligence and moral courage. + +You very needlessly tell your Ft. Hamilton friend that land is +the primal source of all wealth; that it does not produce wealth, +but simply affords man an opportunity to produce it; you forgot +to add--provided the landlord doesn't prevent him. You say in +another place, "Figure it as you will, adjust it as you may, a +tax is a fine on industry and will so remain until you get blood +from turnips," etc. This very objection in protean form is +continually being raised by a class of shallow-thinking men with +whom the editor of the ICONOCLAST should not be proud to herd. +"What difference docs it make," they say, "whether I pay rent to +the government or to a landlord when I've got to pay it anyhow? +And what difference does it make whether taxes are levied on my +land or my improvements, or both, so long as I've got to pay them +with the products of my labor?" + +Now, it is quite true that all taxes of whatever nature are paid +out of the products of labor. But must they be for that reason a +tax on labor products. Let us see. I suppose you won't deny that +a unit of labor applies to different kinds of land will give very +different results. Suppose that a unit of labor produces on A's +land 4, on B's 3, on C's 2 and on D's 1. A's land is the most, +and D's is the least, productive land in use in the community to +which they belong. B's and C's represent intermediate grades. +Suppose each occupies the best land that was open to him when he +entered into possession. Now, B, and C, and D have just as good a +right to the use of the best land as A had. Manifestly then, if +this be the whole story, there cannot be equality of opportunity +where a unit of labor produces such different results, all other +things being equal except the land. How is this equality to be +secured? There is but one possible way. Each must surrender for +the common use of all, himself included, whatever advantages +accrues to him from the possession of land superior to that which +falls to the lot of him who occupies the poorest. In the case +stated, what the unit of labor produces for D, is what it should +produce for A, B and C, if these are not to have an advantage of +natural opportunity over D. Hence equity is secured when A pays +3, D, 2 and C, 1 into a common fund for the common use of all--to +be expended, say in digging a well, making a road or bridge, +building a school, or other public utility. Is it not manifest +that here the tax which A, B and C pay into a common fund, and +from which D is exempt, is not a tax on their labor products +(though paid out of them) but a tax on the superior advantage +which they enjoy over D, and to which D has just as good a right +as any of them. The result of this arrangement is that each takes +up as much of the best land open to him as he can put to gainful +use, and what he cannot so use he leaves open for the next. +Moreover, he is at no disadvantage with the rest who have come in +ahead of him, for they provide for him, in proportion to their +respective advantages, those public utilities which invariably +arise wherever men live in communities. Of course he will in turn +hold to those who come later the same relation that those who +came earlier held to him. Suppose now that taxes had been levied +on labor products instead of land; all that any land-holder would +have to do to avoid the tax is to produce little or nothing. He +could just squat on his land, neither using it himself nor +letting others use it, but he would not stop at this, for he +would grab to the last acre all that he could possibly get hold +of. Each of the others would do the same in turn, with the sure +result that by and by, E, F and G would find no land left for +them on which they might make a living. So they would have to +hire their labor to those who had already monopolized the land, +or else buy or rent a piece of land from them. Behold now the +devil of landlordism getting his hoof on God's handiwork! Exit +justice, freedom, social peace and plenty. Enter robbery, +slavery, social discontent, consuming grief, riotous but unearned +wealth, degrading pauperism, crime breeding, want, the beggar's +whine, and the tyrant's iron heel. And how did it all come about? +By the simple expedient of taxing labor products in order that +precious landlordism might laugh and grow fat on the bovine +stupidity of the community that contributes its own land values +toward its own enslavement! And yet men vacuously ask, "What +difference does it make?" O tempora! O mores! To be as plain as +is necessary, it makes this four-fold difference. First, it robs +the community of its land values; second, it robs labor of its +wages in the name of taxation; third, it sustains and fosters +landlordism, a most conspicuously damnable difference; fourth, it +exhibits willing workers in enforced idleness; beholding their +families in want on the one hand, and unused land that would +yield them abundance on the other. This last is a difference that +cries to heaven for vengeance, and if it does not always cry in +vain, will W. C. Brann be able to draw his robe close around him +and with a good conscience exclaim, "It's none of my fault; I am +not my brother's keeper." + +It will not do, my dear friend; you must think again on the +Single Tax, even though, in doing so, you might make men suspect +that you are not infallible. The sublimest act it will ever be +given you to perform is to candidly confess to your grand and +ever-growing constituency that you were mistaken in your estimate +of the Single Taxers and their faith. "Government must compel +each to pay toll in proportion the amount of wealth it has +produced--and this is the only equitable law of taxation." Just +reflect for a moment what a monstrous conclusion flows from these +premises. Labor applied to land produces all wealth. Landlordism +as such produces nothing. Therefore labor should bear the whole +burden of taxation, while landlordism and all other forms of +monopoly should go scot free. The iniquity of our present system +of taxation is that a portion of it is levied on land instead of +being all levied on labor products, like the tariff! To be +strictly just, we must quit taxing land and exact no royalty from +owners of coal mines and oil wells! That your view? + +"There is every indication that his cult has had its day and is +rapidly going to join the many other isms, political and +religious, that have been swallowed up like cast off clothes and +other exuviae by the great mother of dead dogs." This is fine, +incontestably fine! Also forcible, impressibly forcible--with the +force of a squirt of tobacco juice. If "the Single Tax party will +not long survive its creator," perhaps it is because it has not +as much attraction for the great sovereign voter as the blessed +protective tariff, which, to use your own fantastic expression, +you should "cosset on your heaving brisket" for its splendid +success as a survivor of its primogenitors. Look at the pinnacle +of political success to which the McKinley bill has brought Bill +McKinley (excuse the paltry little pun) and sound money (saving +your presence) brought Grover Cleveland, and then contemplate the +ignominy and obscurity has brought George and free silver has +brought Bryan. Evidently George isn't a mouse to McKinley, while +Bryan is but a brindle pup compared to the great and only Grover. +Yes, the "public concept of truth" makes it plain that protection +is all right and Single Tax all wrong. "George is a reformer who +can't reform because he took issue with the wisdom of the world," +just like the man who said that the earth was round and that the +sun didn't go round it every twenty-four hours, contrary to what +the wisdom of the world had long ago decided. + +You are not mistaken in saying that "Mr. George was unable to +keep one of these expounders of his doctrine (a S.T. paper) from +running on the financial rocks." It is a very logical deduction +to draw from this fact that the teachings of the paper were +worthless. Why should anybody teach what does not, in the +teaching, promote his financial prosperity? See what fools +Professors Bemis and Andrews have made of themselves. Because +they did not have due regard for the "public concept of the +truth" they are cashiered; and it serves them right, for the +truth must be vindicated--if it pays. On the other hand, see what +splendid financial successes the ICONOCLAST, the Galveston News +and the so-called yellow journalism of New York all are. +"Deserve, in order to command success," the old copy-book +headline used to say, from which it follows as mud does rain, +that whatever succeeds deserves it, and whatever doesn't, +doesn't. It doesn't take much besides capital to succeed, +however, "where the conditions for the propagation of empiricism +are more favorable than ever before." All you have to do is to +propagate and expound the "public concept of truth" and let the +truth itself alone. The Single Taxers respectfully solicit some +more plain truths on the "Mumbojumboism of George." THOMAS +FLAVIN. + + . . . + +Ever since the appearance of my first courteous critique of the +Single Tax theory the followers of that faith have been pouring +in vigorous "replies"; but as my articles were directed to Mr. +George and not to his disciples, I saw no occasion for the latter +to intermeddle in the matter, and the tide of economic wisdom +went to waste. Although a publisher is supposed to be privileged +to select his own contributors, and Mr. George had been requested +to make reply at my expense, the Single Taxers raised a terrible +hue and cry that the ICONOCLAST was unfair in that it "permitted +one side to be presented." In order to cast a little kerosene +upon the troubled waters I decided that they should be heard, and +selected Dr. Flavin as their spokesman, believing him to be the +ablest of those who have followed this particular economic +rainbow into the bogs. So much by way of prolegomenon; now for +the doctor. + +My very dear sir, I shall heed your advice to "rise above" the +abuse of those who mistake impudence for argument, and ignore the +discourteous remarks with which you have so liberally interlarded +your discourse. Doubtless you include yourself among that +numerous tribe of Texas titans who can "unhorse" me as easily as +turning a hen over; and having accorded you unlimited space in +which to acquire momentum, I would certainly dread the shock were +I cursed with an atom of polemical pride. Frankly, I wish you +success--trust that you can demonstrate beyond a peradventure of +a doubt that all my objections to the Single Tax are fallacious, +that it is indeed the correct solution of that sphinx riddle +which we must soon answer or be destroyed. At a time when the +industrial problem is pressing upon us with ever increasing +power, it is discouraging to hear grown Americans prattling of +"unhorsing" economic adversaries--priding themselves on polemical +fence, like shyster lawyers, and seeking victory through +sophistry rather than truth by honest inquiry. That is not +patriotism, but a picayune partisanship which I profoundly pity. + +Regarding "the public concept of truth" which seems to irritate +you sorely, I will simply say that the people are slow to accept +new and startling truths like those promulgated by Galileo, +Newton and Harvey; but a truth, howsoever strange, GROWS year by +year and age by age, while a falsehood creates more or less +flurry at its birth, then fades into the everlasting night of +utter nothingness. That Mr. George's theory, after several +years of discussion, is declining in popular favor, and has never +made a convert among the careful students of political economy, +is strong presumptive evidence that it is not founded on fact. +The more you hammer truth the brighter it glows; the more you +hammer Georgeism the paler it gets. It is not for me to prove the +fallacy of the Single Tax theory--the onus probandi rests with +its apostles, and they but saltate from mistaken premises to +ridiculous conclusions. Like the German metaphysicians, they are +abstract reasoners who do not trouble themselves about +conditions. It is not well to sneer at "the great blind +multitude" because it fails to see the beauty or wisdom in the +Single Tax, for many a great man before Lincoln's time had +profound respect for the judgment of the common people. "Truth," +say the Italians, "is lost by too much controversy;" and while +the Georges and Flavins split hairs and spute and spout +themselves into error, the hard- headed farmer and mechanic, +exercising their practical common-sense, arrive at correct +conclusions. In saying that Mr. George has, by his sophistry, +"deceived hundreds of abler men than himself," I simply +accredited him with a feat that has been a thousand times +performed. Carliostro was an ignoramus and possessed very +ordinary intellect, yet for several years he succeeded in +deceiving some of the wisest men of his day with his Egyptian +Masonry idiocy. Thousands of fairly intelligent people believed +poor looney Francis Schlatter a kind of second Messiah, some of +the ablest men of Europe were misled by half-crazy Martin +Luther--and Dr. Flavin regards Henry George's economic +absurdities as omniscience. The latter has "mistaken the +plausible for the actual," has deceived himself with his own +sophistry, else he and his few score noisy followers are wiser +than all the rest of the world, or, for the sake of gain or cheap +notoriety, he's peddling what he knows to be arrant nonsense. You +may take as many "pinches of snuff" on that proposition as you +please. + +All your remarks about land values, their origin and rightful +ownership--the tiresome old piece de resistance of every Single +Tax discourse--I answered fully in my two former articles on this +subject, wherein I also explained how the "unearned increment" is +at present appropriated by the public, and I cannot afford to +rethresh old straw for the benefit of Single Taxers who WILL +write and WON'T read. I will remark en passant, however, that by +"unearned increment" I mean exactly what I suppose Mr. George to +mean--increase in the market value of land for which the +proprietor is not responsible. This, I have explained, is already +appropriated by the public, because the total annual increase in +land values in this country--barring betterments of course--does +not exceed the total annual tax levied upon the land. There's +always a boom in land values here and there; but hundreds of +millions of acres, urban and suburban, have not increased a penny +in selling price during the past decade. The owners are reaping +no unearned increment, but they are paying taxes regularly into +the public till. "The exclusive creator or producer of a thing is +the rightful owner," says Dr. Flavin. Quite true; and as the only +thing the community creates for the land owner is the unearned +increment, it has no moral right to take anything more. The +Single Taxers persist in ignoring the fact that there is an +EARNED as well as an UNEARNED increment, and that the former is +as much the property of the individual as the barn he builds or +the calf he breeds. Of this earned increment more anon. + +"The highest homage, the highest act of faith which the human +mind and heart can offer to God is to say he could not be God and +pronounce the Single Tax to be unjust!" O hell! That's not +argument, but simply empty declamation intended to tickle the +ears of the groundlings--to raise a whoop among the gallery gods. +As you have suggested, "Come, let us argue with dignity and +composure," instead of emitting fanatical screeches like fresh +converts at a Methodist campmeeting, let's see about this God of +Justice business: About 200 years ago a party whom we will call +Brann, as that happened to be his name "cleared" a farm in the +wilds of Virginia, enduring all the hardships and dangers of the +frontier. He built roads and bridges, drained swamps, +exterminated Indians and wild animals. His descendants helped +drive out the British butchers, some of them being scalped alive +by John Bull's red allies, while their wives and children were +tomahawked. They contributed in their humble way to secure the +blessings of free government which the present inhabitants of +Virginia enjoyed. They helped support schools, churches and +charities and otherwise make the district desirable as a place of +residence. Finally railways were built and stores opened, not to +enrich these people, but to be enriched by them. These +conveniences added to the value of the land, but were paid for at +a good round price, as such things ever are by the users. The +land is now worth about $30.00 an acre, and while this value is +unquestionably due to the presence of populatoin,{sic} it is fair +to assume that in two centuries the estate has yielded that much +in the shape of taxes. As the present owner, I ask, has the Old +Dominion against that property for unearned increment? I say it +has not; that the $30.00 an acre represents the savings of seven +generations of my ancestors; that while the community created the +land value, said value has been duly purchased and paid for--that +it represents EARNED increment. Unearned increment is not what +Dr. Elavin is after; he would confiscate the RENT of my +patrimony; he would deprive me of the VALUES created by my +people--would allow me no larger share therein than he accords to +the newly arrived immigrant from that damned island we call +England. If our God says THAT is just, then I want no angelic +wings--prefer to associate with Satan. Has the son a just right +to wealth created and solemnly bequeathed him by his sire? That +land is as much mine as the gold would be mine, had my people +their savings in that shape, and the rent is mine as justly as +the interest on the gold would be. It is quite true that none of +my clan CREATED that land; it is true that I cannot show a title +to it signed by God Almighty and counter- signed by the Savior, +any more than I can show a title from the same high source to the +watch I hold in my hand; but I have a title to all the rights, +conveniences and profits appertaining to control of the land, +issued by their creator, the community, for value received. I +have the same title to the land that I have to the watch; not to +the material made by the Almighty, but to whatsoever has been +added of desirability thereto by the action of man. The community +has been settled with up-to-date for both the land and the watch, +but has a continuing claim against them so long as it enables me +to employ them advantageously than I could without its +assistance. If I sell my land the purchaser receives in return +for his money all those advantages which it required so many +years of toil and danger to win--he pays for the sacrifices made +by others in preference to going into the wilderness and making +them himself. The market value of my land is a "labor product," +just as my watch is a labor product, hence all this prattle about +relieving industry of governmental burdens by any economic +thaumaturgy whatsoever is the merest moonshine. + +It is quite true that "the great middle class" does not own the +most valuable lots in New York and London; but I have the +"chilled steel" hardihood to affirm that not only the bulk of the +land but of the land values are in the possession of people who +are poor as compared with the occupants of those sumptuous +palaces which the George conspiracy for the further enrichment if +Dives and the starvation of Lazaras would exempt from taxation. +The total wealth of this nation is not far from 75 billions, +while all the land, exclusive of improvements, would not sell for +more than 20 billion. The naked land of our 5 million farms is +estimated at about 10 billion, so that leaves but about 10 +billion for urban lands--less than one-seventh of the total +value. I have no reliable statistics at hand showing what +proportion of urban inhabitants own their homes; but we may +safely assume that one-half do so. Now, if this be true, we may +also assume that the land values held by the very wealthy--the +people whom the Single Taxers profess to be after,--do not exceed +one-fourth of all land values, or one-fifteenth of total property +values. Hence you see it is quite possible for 250,000 to own 80 +per cent of ALL values, while the bulk of the LAND values remain +with the common people. And it is these common people that the +Single Tax will crush for the benefit of these 250,000 +plutocrats, the bulk of whose wealth is in personal property. + +Sit down and think it over, doctor; you are really too bright a +man to be led astray by the razzle-dazzle of Single Tax +sophistry. You do your enviable reputation for intelligence a +rank injustice by mistaking poor old George for an economic +Messiah, and if you are not careful somebody will try to sell you +a gold-brick or stock in a Klondike company. Suppose that you and +Hon. Walter Gresham occupy residence lots worth $1,000 each, but +that you inhabit a $1,500 cottage and he a $150,000 mansion; and +suppose that your income is $2,000 a year while his is $20,000: +Do you think there is any necessity for tearing your balbriggan +undershirt because not compelled to put up as much for the +maintenance of government as your wealthy neighbor? Is it at all +probable that Gresham will become discouraged, refuse to longer +serve the corporations and sit in the woodshed and sulk, even +jump off the bridge, because taxed in proportion to the property +in his possession rather than according to the land he occupies? +If Col. Moody builds a million dollar cotton mill on suburban +land worth but $500 why should you refuse to sleep o' nights +because not required to pay double the taxes of that old duffer? +As a worthy disciple of Aesculapius you should know that too +heavy a burden on your own back is liable to make you bow-legged. + +I suspected all along that the Single Tax would require several +able-bodied "corollaries" to enable it to effect much of a +reformation, to usher in the Golden Age. It were very nice to +throw unused coal and oil lands "open to all on equal terms," +have the government pipe off all their products for equal pay, +then compel operators by piling on taxes to maintain high prices +to consumers "till other companies got well on their feet"--and a +combination was effected. If Rockefeller, Hanna, Carnegie, et id +genes omnes tried any of their old tricks "we might get after +them"--just as we HAVE long been doing. These plutocrats are so +afraid of our politicians that there is danger of their dying of +neuropathy. If the coal, iron and oil operators advance prices +we'll advance their taxes--for the people to pay. And I suppose +that when the whiskey trust get gay, the doctor will raise the +rent of corn land, when the cotton-seed oil trust becomes too +smooth, he'll knock it on the head by adding a dollar an acre to +cotton land, and so on until we get the cormorant fairly by the +goozle. It's all dead easy when you understand it--works as +smoothly as an "iridescent dream" on a toboggan slide! We are +continually discovering new coal, iron and oil districts, and +these are "open to all on equal terms"--I can acquire them just +as cheaply as can Rockefeller or Carnegie. Then what's the +matter? I lack the capital to properly develop them, to produce +so cheaply as my wealthy competitors. Or if able to become a +thorn in the side of the great corporations they either lower +prices and freeze me out or make it to my advantage to enter the +syndicate. When Rockefeller lowers the price of oil he lowers his +rent; when I am either crushed by competition or taken in out of +the cold, he advances the price of oil. His rent is regulated by +competition for the use of oil lands--you cannot make him pay +more than the market price. When you raise his rent you raise +that of all the other operators in proportion, and the same is +the same as an increase of the excise on whisky--the people get a +meaner grade of goods at a higher price. If an ordinary man +cooked up such a scheme as that for the benefit of the people, +I'd feel justified in calling him a "crank," and I cannot +conceive how a man like Dr. Slavin can tack his signature to such +tommy-rot. Before we can make the Single Tax "a go" we've got to +have government ownership of telegraphs, railways, pipe-lines, +etc., etc., and use the taxing power to regulate prices just as +the Republicans do the tariff--and for what? To humble the +haughty landlord? Oh no; to knock the stuffing out of capital--so +long wept over by Single Taxers as a fellow sufferer with toil. +Why not call the George system Communism?--"a rose by any other +name," etc. + +When the doctor get matters arranged it will really make no +difference whether a farmer is located in the black-waxy +district, or on the arid cactus-cursed lands of the trans-Pecos +country, as he will have to surrender to the public all he +produces in excess of what the poorest land in use will yield. He +will have no incentive to study the capabilities of his land and +bring to bear upon it exceptional industry, for he will be +deprived of all the increase he can make it yield by such +methods. A will be placed on a parity with D because he took the +best land he could get instead of the poorest he could find. +Intelligence and enterprise are to have no reward under the new +regime. You can squat on a sand-bank or pile of rocks in any +community and be on a financial parity with the man whose black +soil reaches to the axis of the earth--no need to bundle the old +woman into a covered wagon, tie the brindled cow to the feed-box +and head for a country where better land is to be had. There will +be no temptation to carve out a home in the wilderness, for later +immigrants will set at naught your toil and sacrifices and +deprive your children of their patrimony--the best situated +merchant in Waco will have no advantage of the keeper of a tent +store on a side street of Yuba Dam or Tombstone. A tax will not +longer be "a fine on industry"--it will be a fine on fools. + +My Galveston friend should not work himself into a fit of +hysteria because I declared that the George doctrine has had its +day, it being sheer folly to quarrel with a self-evident fact. +When Henry George first flamed forth he made a great deal of +money out of his writings, and has thus far shown no more +aversion to the silver than has your humble servant. His paper +was doubtless launched with a view of promoting his financial and +political fortunes, for he did not go broke publishing it "for +the good of the cause," but promptly rung off when he found that +it did not PAY, hence I fail to see that he is entitled to any +more credit than Col. Belo or myself. I called attention to the +failure of his paper, not in a spirit of rejoicing over its +downfall, but simply to accentuate the fact, after giving +some years to consideration of his rather pretty platitudes, that +people condemned them--that his heroic attempt to reclothe with +living flesh the bones of the impot unique had proven a dismal +failure. Now, my dear doctor, I have not undertaken in this hasty +article to fully expose this Single Tax fallacy, having attended +to that heretofore, but simply to answer a few of your arguments +which I had not hitherto heard. Let's drop the subject--let the +dead go bury its dead, while we devote our energies to LIVING +issues. + + +* * * +TEXAS TOPICS. + +I note with unfeigned pleasure that, according to claims of +Baylor University, it opens the present season with a larger +contingent of students, male and female, than ever before. This +proves that Texas Baptists are determined to support it at any +sacrifice--that they believe it better that their daughters +should be exposed to its historic dangers and their sons +condemned to grow up in ignorance than that this manufactory of +ministers and Magdalenes should be permitted to perish. It is to +be devoutly hoped that the recent expose of Baylor's criminal +carelessness will have a beneficial effort--that hence forth +orphan girls will not be ravished on the premises of its +president, and that fewer young lady students will be sent home +enciente. The ICONOCLAST would like to see Baylor University, so +called, become an honor to Texas instead of an educational +eye-sore, would like to hear it spoken of with reverence instead +of sneeringly referred to by men about town as worse than a +harem. Probably Baylor has never been so bad as many imagined, +that the joint-keepers in the Reservation have been mistaken in +regarding it as a rival, that the number of female students sent +away to conceal their shame has been exaggerated; still I imagine +that both its morale and educational advantages are susceptible +of considerable improvement. The ICONOCLAST desires to see Baylor +a veritable pantechnicon of learning--at least a place where the +careful student may acquire something really worth +remembering--instead of a Dotheboys (and girls) hall, a +Squeeritic graft to relieve simple Baptist folk of their +hard-earned boodle by beludaling the brains of their bairns with +mis-called education. Unfortunately there is more brazen +quackery in our sectarian colleges than was every dreamed of by +Cagliostro. The faculty of such institutions is usually composed +of superficially educated people who know even less than is +contained in the text-books. As a rule they are employed because +they will serve at a beggarly price, but sometimes because their +employers are themselves too ignorant to properly pass upon the +qualifications of others. You cannot estimate a man's intellect +by the length of his purse, by the amount of money he has made +and saved; but it is quite safe to judge a man's skill in his +vocation by the salary he can command. I am informed that there +has never been a time when the salary of the president of Baylor +University exceeded $2,000 per annum--about half that of a good +whisky salesman or advertising solicitor for a second-class +newspaper. If such be the salary of the president, what must be +those of the "professors"? I imagine their salaries run from $40 +a month up to that of a second assistant book-keeper in a +fashionable livery-stable. Judging by the salaries which they are +compelled to accept, I doubt if there be a member of the Baylor +faculty, including the president, who could obtain the position +of principal of any public high school in the state. People +cannot impart information which they do not possess; hence it is +that the graduates of Baylor have not been really educated, but +rather what the erstwhile Mr. Shakespeare would call +"clapper-clawed." There is no reason, however, why the +institution should be in the future so intellectually and morally +unprofitable as in the past. Change is the order of the universe, +and as Baylor cannot very well become worse it must of +necessity become better. It will have the unswerving support +of the ICONOCLAST in every effort to place itself upon a higher +educational plane, to honestly earn the money it pockets as +tuition fees. I am even willing to conduct a night school free of +charge during three months in the year for the instruction of its +faculty if each member thereof will give bond not to seek a +better paying situation elsewhere as soon as he learns something. +In any event, when Baylor can send me a valedictorian fresh from +its walls who is better informed than the average graduate of our +public schools, I'll give it a thousand dollars as evidence of my +regard, and half as much annually thereafter to encourage it in +the pursuit of common sense. + + . . . + +I greatly regret that my Baptist brethren, Drs. Hayden and +Cranfill, Burleson and Carroll, should have gotten into a +spiteful and un-Christian snarl over so pitiful a thing as +Baylor's $2,000 presidency--that they should give to the world +such a flagrant imitation of a lot of cut-throat unregenerates +out for the long green. If one-half that Hayden and Cranfill are +saying about each other in their respective papers be true--that +I presume that it is--then both ought to be in the penitientiary. +Brethren, please to remember that ye are posing as guardians of +morals, as examples for mankind--as people out of whom the +original sin has been soaked in the Baptist pool and whose paps +are filled to the bursting point with the milk of human kindness. +If you must fight and scratch like a brace of Kilkenny cats, why +the hell don't you sneak quietly into the woods and fight it out +instead of exhibiting your blatant jackasserie to the simple +people of Dallas and McLennan counties and thereby bringing our +blessed church into contempt! Gadzooks! if you splenetic-hearted +old duffers don't sand your hands and take a fresh grip on your +Christian charity I'll resign my position as chief priest of the +Baptist church and become a Mormon elder. I'll just be +cofferdamned if I propose to remain at the head of a church whose +educators, preachers and editors are forever hacking away at each +other's goozle with a hand-ax and slinging slime like a lot of +colored courtesans. + + . . . + +Our little boiler-plate contemporary, the Austin Statesman, +prints a court docket containing 69 divorce cases--side by side +with 12 church notices. Which is cause and which effect I will +not assume to say; but Austin is headquarters for +camp-meetings--and every neurologists endorsed the ICONOCLAST'S +theory that emotional religion is a terrible strain on the +Seventh Commandment. + + . . . + +"Our heroic young," etc., etc., announces himself a candidate for +the United States Senate to succeed Roger Q. Mills. The young +man's modesty is really monumental. Having succeeded by all +manner of petty chicanery in capturing the governorship, I am +surprised that he isn't seeking the job of Jehovah. Displacing +Mills with Culberson were much like substituting a Chinese joss +for the Apollo Belvedere or an itch bacillus for a bull-elephant. +I really cannot consent that the little fellow be sent to +Washington lest some hurdy gurdy man should swipe him. Chawles +says: "Next spring and summer I shall canvas the state +thoroughly, presenting my views of public questions to the +people." Which is to say that while we are paying him a good +stiff salary for doing his little best to discharge the duties of +one office, he will "canvas the state thoroughly" chasing +another. If he attempts to perpetuate such a brazen swindle on +the tax-payers of Texas, I'll camp on his trail to some extent, +and see that he has a hot time in at least a few old towns. I +cannot afford to trail him at my own expense all spring and +summer, while he's cavorting around on free passes and drawing +$11 a day from the public purse for unrendered services; but I'll +trump his card in all the large Texas towns as quick as it +strikes the table. I'm getting dead rotten tired of helping pay +the salaries of Texas officials for time devoted to +fence-building, and it will afford me considerable SATISFACTION +to place this cold-blooded little ward on the body politic +properly before the people. The duties of the governor's office +were supposed to be so onerous that a board of pardons was +created at the tax-payers' expense to lighten his labors; yet Mr. +Culberson proposed to spend the spring and summer, not in a +reasonable effort to earn his salary, but in explaining why he +should be sent to the senate. Coming before us thus +self-evidently unfaithful over a few things, this "heroic young +Christian" poker-player and red-light habitue has the supernal +gall to ask us to make him lord over many things,--to accord him +political promotion for dereliction of duty! In the name of +Balaam's she-ass, does this snub-nosed little snipe suppose that +we are all hopeless idiots? You are the state's hired hand, +Charlie boy--duly employed to remain at Austin and display your +anserine ignorance in the governor's office. The people don't +care two whoops in hades what your "opinions" may be on any +subject within the purview of the United States Senate. If you +want to spend the "spring and summer" rainbow chasing, a proper +sense of duty to your employers, even a slight conception of +commercial honor, would induce you to resign your present +position. If you are destitute of both honor and decency you will +probably campaign at our expense as you have promised; but I +opine that I can pour enough hot shot under your little +shirt-tails in a few engagements to drive you back to your duty, +and that you will go in a gallop. What the devil do you suppose +that Texans want with a two- faced little icicle like yourself in +the United States Senate? What taxpayer has asked you to become a +candidate? Despite all your wire-pulling, your trading and +self-seeking, and the further fact that you are employing the +state machinery to strengthen your pull, you really stand no more +show of succeeding Roger Q. Mills than you do of succeeding the +Czar of Russia. You have managed to get thus far, not on your own +merits, but solely because you are "Old Dave" Culberson's son. +Yours is simply a case of magni nominis umbra, and the umbra is +getting deuced thin at the edges, is no longer capable of +concealing the ass. For many years past we have been paying men +fat salaries for gadding about the country exploiting their +supposed "opinions." It is high time we put an end to such +idiocy, and I have selected you, as probably the worst specimen +of these political malefactors, of which to make an example in +the interest of honesty. + + . . . + +A correspondent writes me from Nacogdoches, Texas: "The Baptists +of this town have forced your agent to promise to discontinue +selling the ICONOCLAST under penalty of expulsion from the +church." That's all right; having purchased and paid for a +Baptist ticket to the heavenly henceforth, he doesn't want to be +bounced from the boat. Being thrown overboard in a canal two feet +wide and four feet deep is not so bad by itself considered, but +contumacious recalcitrants are invariable boycotted in business +by the hydrocephalous sect which boasts that it was the first to +establish liberty of conscience and freedom of speech in this +country, yet which has been striving desperately for a hundred +years to banish the last vestige of individuality and transform +this nation into a pharisaical theocracy with some priorient +hypocrite as its heierach. The ICONOCLAST is in its seventh +volume and has never yet been caught in a falsehood or published +an unclean advertisement. I am proud to say that no honest man or +virtuous woman was ever its enemy, but that holy hypocrites and +sanctified harlots regard it with the same aversion that a +pickpocket does a policeman. Yes; the action of the Baptists of +Nacogdoches was perfectly natural. What they want is a paper that +will afford them a charming mixture of camp-meeting notices and +syphilitic nostrums, prayer-meetings and abortion pills, +Prohibition rallies and lost manhood restorers. I cheerfully +recommend the Baptist Standard to their kindly consideration. + + . . . + +When J. S. Hogg was governor of Texas he compelled the Southern +Pacific road to move a train-load of Coxey-ites, whom it had, +carried in from California and side tracked west of San Antonio +to starve. As counsel for that impudent corporation--whose +officials seem to have been formed of the quintessential extract +of the exerementitious matter of the whole earth--he now makes a +"compromise" with the Culberson crew whereby it is some $975,000 +IN and the state that much OUT. James Stephen can scarce be +blamed for securing every possible advantage for his client, even +tho' it be such a notorious criminal as the "Sunset"; but had he +been attorney for the state instead of for the corporation there +would have been no compounding of a felony "for the good of the +people," no sacrifice of both dignity and dollars. It is amusing +to see Culberson and Crane making a house of refuge of the coat +tails of Reagan. "He approved it! he approved it!" Of course he +approved it--Attorney General Crane "not having time during his +term of office to prosecute all the cases." But he'll "have time" +just as hard to spend half of next year chasing the governorship +on time paid for by the people. Reagan was compelled to accept +the compromise because the Culbersonian crew were too busy +office-chasing to prosecute the corporation. If the Culbersonian +crowd lined their pockets by that compromise they are a set of +thieves; if they didn't line their pockets they simply suffered +the corporation to play 'em for a pack of damphools. As neither a +thief nor a fool is fit to hold a public office, I move that we +build a large zinc-lined political coffin and bury the whole +crowd. + + . . . + +The St. Louis Mirror, the brightest weekly in the world, recently +had a remarkably interesting article on Texas politics; but +somehow it suggested to my mind that German metaphysician who, +having never seen a lion or read a description of one, undertook +to evolve a correct idea of the king of beasts from his own inner +consciousness. + +. . . + +It were interesting to know what kind of a swindle W. L. Moody & +Co. have in soak this season for the guileless cotton grower. I +have provided this office with a car-load of nickel-plated +tear-jugs for the benefit of cotton men who will call later to +tell me their troubles. My idea is to build a condenser, start a +wholesale salt store and supply Baptist dipping-tanks with water +free of wiggletails. Say! There's millions in it. Col. Mulberry +Seller's eye-water enterprise were as nothing to my graft when I +get it agoing. + + . . . + +I note that the Wrong-Reverend E. H. Harman, formerly presiding +elder of the Methodist church at Brenham, but given the grand +bounce for getting too gay at Galveston, where, in company with +another sanctified ministerial hypocrite named Wimberly, he had +"a hot time in the old town," with hacks, harlots and +barrel-house booze, has been converted to the Christian (or +Campbellite) faith and proposes to preach. Possibly his +conversion is genuine; but it is worthy of remark that he saw +nothing attractive in the Christian cult until no longer allowed +to occupy a Methodist pulpit--until reduced to the necessity of +either seeking a job in a new corner of the Lord's vineyard or +taking a fall out of the lowly cotton patch. He ought to make an +excellent running mate for the "Rev." Granville Jones, the poorty +preacher who puts his picture on his evangelical guttersnipes to +show the people how a holy man of God looks after confessing to +having forged a letter derogatory to a poor motherless working +girl's reputation. As my father is a Christian preacher I feel I +have a right to protest against his being placed on a clerical +parity with bilkers of hack bills and crapulous associates of +two-for-a-penny prostitutes. If Harman attempts to defile the +Christian pulpit with his presence, I hope to the good Lord that +the decent members of that denomination will tie him across a +nine-rail fence and enhance the torridity of his rear elevation +with a vigorous application of pine plank. + +* * * +THE RETORT COURTEOUS. + +F. L. Lewis writes from San Antonio to an obscure sheet called +the Railway Age, that Brann is not an Englishman as the Age +editor in one of his elephantine efforts to be humorous seems to +have suggested, and that "all Englishmen in this country +repudiate his every utterance." Thanks, awfully; that's the +highest compliment ever paid an American sovereign by a British +subject. When I next visit San Antonio I'll testify my gratitude +by giving Lewis 50 cents instead of the usual two-bits for toting +my grip from the "Sap" depot to the Menger hotel. I once said, +"There are some very decent and brainy Englishmen;" but as all +Englishmen in this country repudiate the soft impeachment, I +hasten to acknowledge my error. As the editor of the Age is quite +anxious to ascertain my nationality he probably suspects that I +may be his father. + + . . . + +The Independent, which I infer from the date-line of a letter +calling attention to its existence, is published at Pomeroy, +Wash., proposes, bumbye, to "give a history of the robberies +committed by Brann during the war." H----;! I can do that myself. +Attired in a triangular strip of birds-eye linen and emitting +savage yells, I repeatedly stormed and captured the most +magnificent breast-works ever built in Kentucky and ravenously +appropriated whatsoever I found therein without so much as a +thankee mum. Yes sirree, I was a robber dead-right in those old +days; but the Independent editor is safe: he's got nothing but a +shirt-tail full o' pied type and a card of membership in the +A.P.A.--Aggregation of Pusillanimous Asses. I have no use for his +"plant," and God knows I would not be caught dead in a Chinese +opium den with his certificate of infamy concealed in my clothes. + + . . . + +The St. Louis Post-Dispatch of August 20, contains a half-page +puff of one John Morrissey, who seems to be a peripatetic +iconoclast who has started out with a Bible in one hand, and a +free lunch in the other to abolish preachers. According to +Morrissey he was a Roman Catholic until he learned better, a +drunkard until "the Spirit of God entered his heart" and caused +his reformation, and used to write sermons for St. Louis +preachers who palmed them off as their own. I don't know about +that; but I know that of the interview he gave the Pee-Dee a +column was cribbed without credit from the article on "Charity" +in "Brann's Scrap-Book." "The Spirit of God" may have done much +for Morrissey, but it hasn't cured him of the thieving habit, and +I would advise people to keep a sharp eyes on their portable +property until this religious reformer succeeds in breaking into +the penitentiary. + + . . . + +The Texas Republican, which appears semi-occasionally at +Greenville, Tex., denounces in what Dorenus was wont to term +"livid language," my statement to the effect that a nation pays +for its imports with its exports. He says it is all "iconoclastic +foolishness," declares that a nation does nothing of the kind, +and proceeds to animadvert in an unchristian spirit on the +density of my economic ignorance. My contemporary's criticism is +clearly unconstitutional in that it is cruel and unusual +punishment. Now that its editor has annihilated my poor little +theory, it is his duty as a great public educator and charter +member of the Markhanna Illuminati, to inform me what the hades a +nation DOES pay for its imports with, instead of +permitting me, as he seems inclined, to "burst in ignorance." You +have the floor, my sweet little man, and the shades of all the +standard economists from Smith to Walker are waiting to see you +raise one of their favorite dogmas over the ropes. Call Prof. +Jevons a jackass, give Ricardo a tremendous rap, have no mercy on +John Stuart Mill, make old Adam Smith's bones to rattle, take a +terrible fall out of Turgot--then flap your ears and bray until +the welkin rings again. That's the way to settle a political +adversary who goes galivanting off after false economic gods. In +the meantime it might be a good idea to take your brains out, +brush the cobwebs off its cogs and apply a little kerosene with a +corncob. + + . . . + +It is seldom indeed that I give any attention to insulting +letters, but I cannot refrain from paying my respects to one +Byron Jassack Wales, who, with gray goose-quill for Pelian spear, +charges down on the ICONOCLAST as blithely as a gay moss-trooper +making an English swine-herd hard to catch. Such insults usually +come unsigned--are simply crass insolence which their cowardly +authors fear to father; but Byron sets down all the dreaful +things he thinks of Brann, boldly signs his name and adds an +ornamental flourish of defiance. The possibility of some long- +legged, slouch-hatted, wire-moustached cowboy ambling into his +august presence armed with a shooting iron carrying iron bullets +as big as goose-eggs and hurling him with a flash and whoop into +the problematical hitherto, does not shake to its base the heroic +fortitude of the man whose mother named him for the most +notorious chippy-chaser known to history. Byron proposed to +express his opinion, to say what he dad-burned pleases, though +the redoubtable Lieutenant-Colonel Rienzi Miltiades Johnsing, of +Houston, who does all the ICONOCLAST'S fighting under yearly +contract, should swoop down upon him like a double-barreled besom +of destruction, + + "With death-shot glowing in his fiery hand And eye that +scorcheth all it looks upon." + + Byron is offended because I saw fit to criticize New York's +priorient parvenues for exploiting the pregnancy of their wives +in the public-prints, and he lets me know where he can be found +in case his remarks offend, by daringly dating his letter "New +York." True, he refrains from giving his street and number--even +tears the printed headings off the letter paper he employs; but +that does not matter, as in a little village like New York a +Texan with a hair-trigger temper has only to inquire of the first +man he meets to be directed to the one he wants. Byron insists +that I print his letter to show people what a desperate +dare-devil he is; but I refrain lest it scare all the cattle off +the range and cause Bill Fewell and Doc Yandell of EL Paso to +move over into Mexico. Among other dreadful things he promises to +have my paper suppressed by the postal authorities if I speak of +him disrespectfully, which proves that he has a tremendous +political pull concealed about his person. I guess I'm safe so +far as he is concerned for a careful inspection of his letter +makes apparent the utter impossibility of speaking of Lord Byron +Jassack Wales disrespectfully--indicates that it were fulsome +flattery to refer to him as a blind pile on the body politic, a +suppurating sore on the hedonistic society of Sodom. + + . . . + +T. Shelley Sutton, of Boise City, Idaho, has "writ a pome" +entitled "That Man Brann," and the proud author sends me an +A.P.A. paper containing his production. It is an excellent +composition--of its kind; and I am gratified to learn that it has +at least gravitated to its proper level. Some six months ago a +commercial traveller sent me substantially the same thing, saying +that he had copied from the walls of a water closet in a Kentucky +hotel. It appears that it was too foul to harmonize with the +place in which it was composed, so it was stolen by a thieving +yahoo in search of carrion and puked into the putrid columns of +an A.P.A. paper. T. Shelley Sutton can probably find more +"original poetry" in the same place. + + . . . + +"Rev." Bill Homan, who conducts a little pecasmman paper +somewhere in North Texas for the long green and the misguidance +of three or four hundred fork-o'-the-creek Campbellites, devotes +two more columns of his raucous tommyrot and brainless balderdash +to the Howell-Jones imbroglio. Although he manages to tell at +least three deliberate lies in his idiotic eructation, he dares +not deny that the trial committee, of which he was a member, +permitted Jones to continue belching his fetid bile in the +Christian pulpit after being cornered and compelled to confess to +a cowardly crime which should be rewarded with a rope. Until this +corticiferous little cur explains why he is defending a +fourth-class preacher who confesses to having foully insulted, by +a base forgery, a motherless young girl committed to his care, +the ICONOCLAST must, for the sake of its own self-respect, +decline further controversy. + +* * * +BRANN VS. BAYLOR. + +REVOLVERS, ROPES AND RELIGION. + +I have just been enjoying the first holiday I have had in fifteen +years. Owing to circumstances entirely beyond my control, I +devoted the major part of the past month to digesting a couple of +installments of Saving Grace presented by my Baptist brethren, +and carefully rubbed in with revolvers and ropes, loaded canes +and miscellaneous cudgels--with almost any old thing calculated +to make a sinner reflect upon the status of his soul. That +explains the short-comings of the present issue of the +ICONOCLAST. One cannot write philosophic essays while dallying +with the Baptist faith. It were too much like mixing Websterian +dignity with a cataleptoid convulsion, or sitting on a red ant +hill and trying to look unconcerned. Here in Waco our religious +zeal registers 600 in the shade, and when we hold a love-feast +you can hear the unctuous echoes of our hosannahs from Tadmor in +the Wilderness to the Pillars of Hercules. We believe with St. +Paul that faith without works is dead; hence we gird up our loins +with the sweet cestus of love, grab our guns and go whooping +forth to "capture the world for Christ." When we find a +contumacious sinner we waste no time in theological controversy +or moral suasion, but promptly round him up with a rope and bump +his head, and we bump it hard. Why consume our energies +"agonizing with an emissary of Satan," explaining his error and +striving by honeyed phrases to lead him into the light, when it +is so much easier to seize him by the pompadour and pantelettes +and drag him bodily from the abyss? Some may complain that our +Christian charity carries a razor edge, that we skim the cream +off our milk of human kindness then put the can under an alkali +pump before serving it to our customers as a prime article; but +bless God! they can scarce expect to + + ". . . be carried to the skies + On flowery beds of ease, + Whilst others fight to win the prize + And sail through bloody seas." + +My Baptist brethren desired to send me as a missionary to +foreign lands, and their invitation was so urgent, their +expressions of regard so fervent that I am now wearing my head in +a sling and trying to write with my left hand. Although they +declared that I had an imperative "call" to go, and would tempt +Providence by loitering longer than one short day, I concluded to +remain in Waco and preach them a few more of my popular sermons +from that favorite text, "If ye forgive not men their trespasses, +neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." It is quite +possible that a few heathen will go to hell whom I might enable +to find the river route to heaven, but I believe in doing the +duty that lies next my hand--in first saving the heathen right +here at home. + +But enough of persiflage; now for cold facts. In all candor, I +would cheerfully ignore the recent disgraceful occurrences in +this city could I do so in justice to the South in general and to +Texas in particular. I have no revenge to gratify, no more +feeling in the matter than though the assaults had been made upon +an utter stranger. It is quite true that for a time I was eager +to call my assailants out one by one and settle the affair after +the manner of our fathers; but being creditably informed that +instead of honoring a cartel, they would make it the basis of a +legal complaint and send me to the penitentiary, and having no +desire to enact the role of the street assassin, I became once +more a law-abiding citizen. Truth to tell, there's not one of the +whole cowardly tribe who's worth a charge of buckshot, who +deserves so much honor as being sent to hell by a white man's +hand. If Socrates was poisoned and Christ was crucified for +telling unpalatable truths to the splenetic-hearted hypocrites of +their time, it would ill become me to complain of a milder +martyrdom for a like offense. It may be urged that having been +twice accused of the heinous crime of slandering young ladies, +and twice beset on that pretext by armed thugs, I owe it to +myself to make some explanation satisfactory to the public. Not +at all; from my youth up noble womanhood has been the very god of +my idolatry; and now that I have reached the noon of life, if the +reputation which I have honestly earned as a faithful defender of +the vestal fires can be blown adown the wind by the rank breath +of lying rascals, I would not put forth a hand to check its +flight. If old scars received while defending woman's name and +fame in paths of peril which my traducers dare not tread, fail to +speak for me, then to hell with the world, and let its harlot +tongue wag howsoever it will. Never but once did I stoop to +refute a cowardly falsehood circulated about myself. I was +younger then--had not learned that public opinion is a notorious +bawd, that "nailing a lie" but accentuates its circulation. +Unfortunately, the recent assaults upon me are not altogether my +private concern. They were armed protests against a fundamental +principle of this Republic--freedom of the press. They are being +citied by ill advised or malicious persons as evidence of +"Southern Savagery." They are calculated, if suffered to go +unexplained, to cast reproach upon revealed religion. They were +futile but brutal attempts in the last decade of the Nineteenth +century to suppress truth by terror, to conceal the iniquities of +a sectarian college by beating to death the only journalist who +dared to raise his voice in protest. They were appeals to Judge +Lynch to strangle exposure, hence it is imperative that the blame +be placed where it properly belongs; not upon the South, which +unqualifiedly condemns it; not upon the Baptist church, which +indignantly repudiates it; but upon a little coterie of +white-livered black-hearted hypocrites, any of whom could look +thro' a keyhole with both eyes at once, a majority of whom are +either avowed sympathizers with or active members of that +unamerican organization known to infamy as the A.P.A. The same +old God-forsaken gang of moral perverts and intellectual misfits +who more than two years ago brought a Canadian courtesan and an +unfrocked priest to Waco to lecture on A.P.A'ism, and who +threatened at one of these buzzard-feasts to mob me for calling +the latter a cowardly liar, were responsible for my being dragged +with a rope by several hundreds hoodlums up and down a Baptist +college campus in this city Oct. 2, and for the brutal assault +upon me five days later by a pack of would-be assassins who had +waited until my back was unsuspectingly turned before they had +the nerve to get out their guns. I can overlook the assault made +by the college students, although most of them were grown men, +because they were encouraged thereto by their elders. I have +positively refused to prosecute them; but the last assault was +led by a shyster lawyer of middle-age, a so-called "judge," a +member of the board of managers of Baylor. I am seeking no +trouble with any of them--they are perfectly safe in so far as I +am concerned; still if the latter gang are not satisfied with +their cowardly crime, if they regret that they were beaten off +ere they quite succeeded in sending me to Kingdom Come, they have +only to notify me where and when they can be found alone, and +I'll give the whole accursed mob a show for their money. I'm too +slight for a slugger--cannot lick a herd of steers with one pair +o' hands; but I can make a shot-gun sing Come to Christ. I am +credibly informed that "at least half a dozen" of my meek and +lowly Baptist brethren are but awaiting an opportunity to +assassinate me, and that if successful they will plead in +extenuation that I "have slandered Southern women." I walk the +streets of Waco day by day, and I walk them alone. Let these +cur-ristians shoot me in the back if they dare, then plead that +damning lie as excuse for their craven cowardice. If the decent +people of this community fail to chase them to their holes and +feed their viscera to the dogs, then 'd rather be dead and in +hades forever than alive in Waco a single day. + +The claim set up by my assailants that I had slandered the female +students of Baylor University is a malicious calumny, that was +but made a lying pretext for the attacks. That my article in the +October ICONOCLAST did NOT impeach the character of the Baylor +girls is amply evidenced by the fact that my offer to leave the +matter to the decision of a committee of reputable business men, +to abjectly apologize and donate $500 to any charity these +gentlemen might name in case the decision was against me, was +flatly refused. "The honor of young ladies is not a proper +subject for arbitration," I was told. Quite true; but the proper +construction of an article which is made a pretext for mob +violence, IS a proper matter for cool-headed and disinterested +parties to pass upon. The Baylorians insisted upon being judge, +jury and executioner--proof positive that they well knew the +article would not stand the arbitrary construction they had +placed upon it. After the first outbreak the Baylor bullies of +the lost manhood stripe and their milk-sick apologists held a +windy powwow in a Baptist church, and there bipedal brutes with +beards, creatures who have thus far succeeded in dodging the +insane asylum, whom an inscrutable Providence has kept out of the +penitentiary to ornament the amen-corner--many of whom do not +pretend to pay their bills--some of whom owe me for the very meat +upon the bones of their scorbutic brats--branded me as a +falsifier while solemnly protesting that they had never read a +line of my paper. They proclaimed in stentor tones and +pigeon-English that would have broken the heart of Lindley +Murray, that I was a defamer of womanhood--while confessing that +they didn't know whether I had ever mentioned a female. They +howled that they "were willing to sign Brann's death- +warrant"--on mere hearsay. These intellectual eunuchs, who +couldn't father an idea if cast bodily into the womb of the +goddess of wisdom, declared positively that I would be permitted +to print nothing more about their beloved Baylor--and that +without knowing whether I had advertised it over two continents +as an oasis in a moral Sahara or a snakehole in the Dismal Swamp. +It was a beautiful, a refreshing sight, this practical approval +of mob violence by unfledged ministers on the campus of a Baptist +college, this raucous tommyrot about death-warrants and ropes, +this sawing of the air and chewing of the rag by people so d----d +ignorant that they couldn't find either end of themselves in the +dark, this chortling over the fact that one desk-emaciated +welter-weight had been caught unawares and trampled upon by a +sanctified mob--a refreshing sight, I say, in a temple +consecrated to that Christ who forgave even his enemies from the +cross. But every man at that meeting who said he never read the +ICONOCLAST deliberately lied. The Baptists all read it. Some +subscribe and pay for it like gentlemen, some buy it, some borrow +it, and the rest steal it from the newsstands. The greatest +trouble I have is to prevent, Baptist preachers spoiling my local +sale by telling everybody in town what the ICONOCLAST contains +before the revised proof-sheets are read. It is but fair to say, +however, that the Baptists were not alone to blame. Much of the +noise was made by a lot of tickey-tailed little politicians who +have no more religion than a rabbit, but who were trying to open +a popular jack-pot with a jimmy. Some of the brawlers were +self-seeking business men, willing to coin blood into boodle, +ready to slander Deity for a plugged dime, anxious to avert a +Baptist boycott by emitting a deal of stinking breath. These +bloated financial ducks in a provincial mud-puddle have had +entirely too much to say. When the present lecture season is +over; when I get the Baptist mob thoroughly cowed; when I can +walk the streets without expecting every moment to get shot from +a stairway or double-banked by the meek and lowly followers of +the Messiah; when I have time to amuse myself with trifles, I'll +sue this brace of Smart Alecs for $20,000 each for deliberate +defamation of character, and if I recover the money I'll use it +to make a partial payment on the grocery bills of the rest of the +gang. Intellectual pigmies who accumulate much cash by trading in +cash or tripe in a country town are quite apt to become too big +for their britches and require to be taken down a peg or two, to +be taught their place. They sometimes have the nickel-plated +nerve to play Rhadamanthus to the purveyors of brains--swell up +like unclean toads and conceive themselves to be in "select +society." Some of them actually imagine themselves of more +importance to this community than Judge Gerald and Waller Baker; +yet you could scrape enough intellect from under Gerald's +toe-nails to build the crew, while Baker forgets more every +fifteen minutes than they have learned since they were born. The +meeting held at the Baptist church to ratify the outrage was +composed of a lot of self-seekers and whining hypocrites, half of +whom would sell their souls for a copper cent and throw in their +risen Lord as lagniappe. It was a mob that writhed and wriggled +in its own putridity like so many maggots, while the local press +cowered before its impotent wrath like young skye-terriers +before a skunk. If I couldn't beget better men with the help of a +digger Indian harem I'd take to the woods and never again look +upon the face of woman. It was a glorious sight to see these +"pore mizzuble wurrums of the dust" spraining their yarn galluses +trying to hurl the writhen bolts of Olympian Jove--and now +bellyaching because hit in the umbilicus with their own +boomerang. The second assault, more brutal and cowardly than the +first, followed as the logical sequence of that powwow of +pietists, peddlers and politicians. The utterances of that +congregation of unclean adders, the resolutions adopted by that +sanctified body of dead-beats in the sanctum sanctorum of the +Baptists, was a bid for blood-injected the idea into the warty +heads of a trio of thugs that by way-laying and beating me to +death they would pass into history as heroes. Then the real +manhood of Waco rose en masse and laid down the law in no +uncertain language to the hungry hypocrites and their Baylorian +hoodlums. They declared that religious intolerance would no +longer be permitted to terrorize this town. Fearing just +retribution at the hands of the citizens, Baylor called out its +three military companies and mounted guard with rifles furnished +by the government, while the very girls in whose name they had +dragged me around the college campus with a rope, laughed them to +scorn and sent me flowers--and the password of the bold sojer +boys. One young lady writes: "The password for the night is +'Napoleon.' Our bold soldiers halted a milk wagon at daylight +this morning. Probably they thought Brann was concealed in one of +the cans with his bowie-knife." Half a dozen men armed with +cannon-crackers could have chased the brave mellish into the +Brazos and danced with the Baylor girls till daybreak--and I +suspect that the latter would have enjoyed the lark. For a third +of a century the bigotry of a lot of water moccasins had been the +supreme law of this land. To obtain an office the politician had +to crawl to it on his marrow bones and slavishly obey its +behests. To obtain trade the merchant had to sneeze whenever it +took snuff. To obtain patronage the local publisher had to make +it the absolute dictator of his policy. Like Jehushran, it "waxed +fat and kicked"--until it got its legs tide in a double bow knot +about its OWN neck. Its tyranny became insupportable, murderous, +there was a new declaration of American independence, and now +this J. Caesar that erstwhile did bestride Central Texas like a +colossus, is more humble than Uriah Heep. And what were the +A.P.Apes of Waco doing while honest men were raising the standard +of revolt and chasing the Baptist hierarchy into its hole? Were +they in the front rank shouting their war-cry of "no union of +church and state"--the "little red school-house" rampant on their +orange-colored rag? Not exactly. They had sneaked off to some bat +cave to plot against the whites, to protest against the +proceedings of their fellow citizens. Had a Baptist editor been +mobbed on the campus of a Catholic college they would have howled +a lung out about Popish tyrannys stood on their heads and fanned +themselves with their own shirt-tails. + +The faculty of Baylor protest that they did all in their power to +prevent the brutal outbreak. They confess, however, that it had +been brewing all day, yet they neglected to notify either myself +or the sheriff. Before me is a Lake Charles, La. paper, in which +a letter from one of the scabs who participated in the first +attack is published. He says: "The faculty did not say do it, or +not do it." And that's about the size of it. That the students +were encouraged by one or more members of the board of trustees +can be demonstrated beyond the peradventure of a doubt. All the +stale bath water in all the Baptist tanks this side Perdition +cannot wash the conviction from the public mind that the Baylor +management was behind that howling mob. The second assault was +led by a trustee, a member of the board of managers; and this +after I had stated positively in the local press that I meant no +disparagement of the young ladies--that it was the administration +of the University I was after. In the October ICONOCLAST I +expressed the fervent hope that no more young ladies would be +debauched at Baylor. That constituted the ostensible casus +belli.. Do the trustees of Baylor dare deny that such things HAVE +occurred at that "storm center of misinformation" and ministerial +manufactory? If so, they are a precious long time putting me to +the proof in the courts of this country. Texas has an iron-clad +criminal libel law, and I suspect that I could pay a judgment for +damages in any reasonable sum without spraining my credit or +bankrupting the ICONOCLAST. If they have not the chilled-steel +hardihood to deny that girls have been debauched at Baylor--if by +their resounding silence anent this matter they mean to give +assent--what then? Do they hope that more girls WILL be ruined +there? They may take either horn of the dilemma they like, but I +beg to state that the issue here raised cannot be obscured by +dragging me around with a rope. When Jonah was caught in a scheme +of vindictive rascality he thought he "did well to be angry." The +best thing the Baylorites can do is to 'fess up and reform--it's +too late in the century to suppress truth with six-shooters. I +have heard of no "deplorable accidents" at Add-Ran, the Christian +college, consequently it has no complaints to file against the +ICONOCLAST. The Convent of the Sacred Heart gets along somehow +without "mishaps," and even Paul Quinn, the colored college, is +graduating no "missionaries" for Hungry Hill. Because some girls +go wrong at an institution for the promotion of ignorance, it by +no means follows that all, or any considerable number thereof are +deficient in morality. I doubt not that a vast number of the +female students of Baylor, past and present, are pure as the +flowers that bloom above the green glacier; but some have fallen, +and the conclusion is inevitable that they were not properly +protected from the wiles of the world. I care not how +noble-minded, how pure of heart a girl may be, if she is +committed when young and inexperienced to a college where both +sexes are received, it becomes the imperative duty of the +management to render one false step impossible. When the +president of a pretentious sectarian institute must plead with +the public that he had "wept and prayed over" a 14-year old girl, +but was powerless to prevent her rushing headlong to ruin; when +at a grand rally of the faithful to condemn a well-meant +criticism and encourage mob violence, an old he-goat who couldn't +get trusted at the corner grocery for a pound of soap, confesses +to more than the ICONOCLAST had charged, by saying that some +ACCIDENTS had occurred at the college, it were well for mothers +to look carefully to its management and note its discipline +before entrusting it with their young daughters. "Accidents," +indeed! Criminal negligence would be a more appropriate name. A +university consecrated to the Baptist Christ, whose trustees lead +cowardly assaults upon law-abiding citizens and beat them with +bludgeons after they are insensible; whose faculty know that mob +violence is contemplated yet fail to report it to the police; +whose students enter the home of a man for the purpose of +dragging him by force and with drawn pistols from the presence of +his family (the Baylor thugs had the impudence to invade my home +in search of me before finding me in the city)--such an +institution, I say, is not a proper guardian for any youth whose +father doesn't desire to see him land in the Baptist pulpit or +the penitenitary. I have been publicly warned on pain of death, +and heaven alone knows what hereafter, not to speak +"disrespectful" of Baylor; but I feel in duty bound to caution +parents against committing their children to such a pestiferous +plague-spot, such a running sore upon the body social. + + . . . + +Not only has Baylor demonstrated its unworthiness to be the +custodian of young people of either sex, but such unworthiness +has been proclaimed in the public prints by Dr. Rufus C. +Burleson, who served as its president for almost half a century. +I insisted that the salaries paid the faculty at Baylor were +insufficient to command the services of first class educators, +and that those entrusted with the duty of selecting teachers were +incapable of correctly estimating the educational qualifications +of others Dr. Burleson goes far beyond that, expressly declaring +in the Dallas News that a majority of the present board of +managers are not college educated, that for them to properly +administer discipline and make wise selection of teachers "is +simply impossible." What, in God's name, can be expected of an +institution containing several hundred young people of both +sexes, if it be deficient in dissipline? Of what earthly use is a +University if it be not provided with a wisely selected faculty? +It now remains to be seen whether the Baptist brethren will mob +Dr. Burleson--or sneak up behind him with an assortment of clubs +and six-shooters! But that is not the worst that Dr. Burleson +says. In a published letter of his now before me he denounces Dr. +B. H. Carroll, chairman of the board of trustees and present high +muck-a-muck of Baylor, as an ingrate, a self-seeker, a mischief +maker and an irremediable liar! Now if Burleson is telling the +truth--and I am not prepared to dispute his statements--what can +we expect of a University managed by such a man? I am frank to +confess that I did not suspect Bro. Carroll to be quite so bad. I +knew that he was an intellectual dugout spreading the canvas of a +seventy-four, that there was precious little to him but gab and +gall; but I did not suppose that he was an habitual falsifier and +guilty of base ingratitude. I really hope that Dr. Burleson may +be mistaken--that the new boss of Baylor has not contracted such +a habit of lying that it is utterly impossible for him to tell +the truth. I should dislike to believe all that is said about +each other by the two factions of my Baptist brethren now +struggling for the control of Baylor. According to Carroll, Dr. +Burleson, president emeritus, ought to be in the penitentiary; +according to Burleson, Carroll is not a fit associate for a +brindle cow. "Speak disrespectfully of Baylor and die!" Good +Lord! were I to repeat one-half the Baylor factions are saying +about each other I'd wreck the state. Time was when the faculty +of Baylor was the pride of the South. Those were the days when +many of the noblest men and women of Texas were educated within +its walls. They love their alma mater, not for what she is, but +for what she was. The old professors are gone, have been +supplanted in great part by a lot of priorient little preachers, +selected by a board of trustees, half of whom couldn't tell a +Greek root from a rutabaga, pons asinorum from Balaam's ass. Dr. +Burleson seems to be of the opinion that a majority of the +Baylorian managers were educated in a mule-pen and dismissed +without a diploma--couldn't tell whether a man were construing +Catullus into Sanskrit or pronouncing in Piute a panegeric on a +baked pup. Were I not persona non grata I would like to witness +the classroom performances of these young professors--chosen with +owlish gravity by men who cannot write deer sur without the +expenditure of enough nervo-muscular energy to raise a cotton +crop, chewing off the tips of their tongues and blotting the +paper with their proboscides. Yet for offering to open a night +school for the benefit of the Baylorian faculty I was mobbed; for +intimating that the hoard of managers had not socked with old +Socrates and ripped with old Euripides I was assaulted by one of +their number and his brave body guard and beaten with +six-shooters and bludgeons until I was insensible. + + . . . + +It is not my present purpose to drag forth all the grisly +skeletons of Baylor and make them dance for the amusement of the +multitude. I have yielded to the urgent appeals of my friends to +let the institution down easy, to cast a little kerosene on the +troubled waters, to hold out the olive branch to Baylor. Besides, +I already have more holes in my head than nature intended, and am +not particularly anxious to increase the assortment. Let what is +hidden from public ken so remain until that great incubator of +Christian charity, that ganglion of brotherly love, attempts to +redeem its long-standing promise to land me in the penitentiary +for criminal libel. It could serve no good purpose at present to +trace out here the history of those "accidents" so feelingly +referred to at the ratification of the Brann round-up--would but +cause cheeks to flame and hearts to break. I would not destroy +Baylor; I would make it better. I would deprive the ignorant and +vicious of control. I would expel all the hoodlums whose +brutality and cowardice have disgraced it. I would place at its +head a thorough educator and strict disciplinarian, a man of +broad views and who sets a good example by paying his bills. I +would make its diplomas badges of honor as in the old days, +instead of certificates of illiteracy at which public school +children laugh. No, I do not want the presidency--there are +enough perspiring Christians for revenue only quarreling and +lying about each other because of that beggarly plum already. For +months past it has given every Baptist journal in the state a +hot-box, has filled every little preacher's head with all the +petty intrigues of peanut politics. If one-half that the leaders +of the factions, now warring over this $5 per diem bone, say +about each other be true--and I have no evidence to the +contrary--they would disgrace a boozing ken on Boiler avenue. I +do not mean to say that all Texas Baptists are bad; at least 50 +per cent. of them are broad-gauge, tolerant, intelligent; the +remainder are small-bore bigots upon whom nature put heads, as +Dean Swift would say, "Solely for the sake of conformity." + + . . . + +Baylor and the Baptists complain that the ICONOCLAST has +"persecuted them until it has become unbearable." Bless God! who +began this thing? Before the ICONOCLAST was three days old it was +boycotted by the hydrocephalous sect. As it grew fat on that kind +of fodder, ex-Priest Slattery and his ex-nun wife were brought +hither to lecture on A.P.Aism, and incidentally make the town too +caloric for my comfort. The Baptists took their wives and +daughters to listen to Slattery's foul lies about the convents +and the confessional, the Pope and "his Waco Apostle," and his +most infamous utterances were applauded to the echo. They sent +their wives and daughters to hear the Slattery female defame +women who had given up the pleasures of the world and were +devoting their lives to the reclamation of such unclean creatures +as herself. Slattery's last harangue was delivered to men only +and the house was packed with Baptists and Baylorites at +half-a-dollar a head. The so-called lecture was the foulest thing +that ever fell from the lips of mortal man, yet his audience +gloated over it and rolled his putrid falsehoods as sweet morsels +under its tongue.[1] Unable to restrain my indignation, I arose +and denounced his every utterance as a malicious lie. Immediately +the audience yelled, "Throw him out! Down with him! Smash him!" I +chanced to have my back near the side-wall, and that's why I +wasn't mobbed--the cowardly crew couldn't get BEHIND me. They +suspected that I'd make an angel of the first sanctified galoot +who attempted to place his paws upon me, and none cared to draw +on his celestial bank account. That's the identical gang which +has the immaculate gall to accuse me of defaming virtuous +women--the same gang which applauded Slattery for calling +convents priestly harems wants me killed for expressing the hope +that no more young girls will be debauched at Baylor. + + [1] Brann's reply to Slattery appears in Vol. XII. + + . . . + +Scarce had Baylor's applause of Slattery and his woman died +away, scarce had it ceased to gloat over the "iniquities" of +convent schools and priestly harems, scarce had it ceased +chuckling over the crimes of "the Scarlet Woman," ere the police +discovered that the duly ordained "ward of the Baptist church," +who was being educated at Baylor University for missionary work +among the heathen Catholics of Brazil, was in a dreadfully +"delicate condition." She was brought from Brazil at the tender +age of 11 years by a returning missionary, she was formally +adopted by the Baptist church, she was consecrated to the +salvation of souls and placed at Baylor to be educated. She was +under the special supervision of the president and was a member +of his household--yet at 14 years of age she became enciente. Did +Baylor pity and protect her? Did it strive to secure the +punishment of her seducer? Not exactly. It fired her out and made +no complaint to the police. When the latter discovered her and +she was required by the court to account for her condition, she +stated that she had been forcibly despoiled by a young man about +town on the premises of Baylor's president. It chanced that this +young man was brother to the president's son-in-law, and the +whole influence of Baylor was brought to bear to clear the +accused! The son-in-law, who is a Baptist preacher and editor (as +well as other things not necessary to mention) strove to make her +confess that her guilty paramour was a pickaninny--wanted the +world to believe that orphan girls committed to the care of that +great Baptist college might become enciente by coons! Yet the +Baylor students didn't mob him--none of its trustees laid in wait +for him and slammed him over the head with a six-shooter. The +girl soon put a white babe in evidence--a pretty little 2-pound +Baylorian diploma. The doctors declared that she had been raped +and the case looked ugly for the accused. The child died. The +ignorant little mother wanted money to go to Memphis--and first +thing we knew she had signed a "retraction" and had a ticket to +Mike Conolly's town. Who bought it--and why! Damfino. The +defendant was acquitted of the charge of rape--the age of consent +in Texas being 12 years at that time; but whether she was raped +or seduced, the infamy occurred at Baylor University. That's ONE +of the "deplorable accidents"; but it is not the only one you +will please not forget to remember. Reads like a fairy story, +doesn't it? But the law doesn't permit Texas editors to tell +fairy tales of that type. No doubt the man who has the audacity +to breathe a hope that no more girls will be debauched at Baylor +deserves to die. Dr. Burleson, in the fullness of his Baptist +charity, branded the unfortunate girl as a natural bawd. I don't +know about that; but I do know that after she got beyond +Baylorian influences she married and began leading a respectable +life. + + . . . + +Defamer of womanhood? Get the sawlogs out of your own eyes, +brethren, before howling over the micrococci in the optics of +others. For three years past Baptist preachers all over the land +of Christ have been telling their congregations that the +ICONOCLAST is read only by depraved people,--chiefly criminals +and courtesans--and that despite the fact that the names of +thousands of the noblest men and women of America are on its +subscription books. During the past three years the ICONOCLAST +has had upon its books the names of more than a thousand +ministers, representing every denomination. Are these men +criminals and their wives courtesans? Has any busy little Baptist +parson been rounded up with a rope for proclaiming them as such +from the pulpit? When a deserted babe was found in the street and +carried by the Sisters into the convent, was Jehovah Boanerges +Cranfill--organ-grinder for the Baylor bosses--mobbed by the +Catholics for saying that it probably came OUT of the convent? +Now, you people keep down the narrative of your nether garment +and apply a hot mush poultice to your impudence. The ICONOCLAST +is only tickling you with snipe-shot now; but don't forget for +one moment that it has buck a-plenty in its belt. + + . . . + + A word to the lady students of Baylor: Young ladies, this +controversy does not in the least concern you. The ICONOCLAST has +never questioned your good character. You are young, however, and +mischievous people have led some of you to believe that it has +done so. If you so believe, I am as much in duty bound to +apologize as though I had really and intentionally wronged you. A +gentleman should ever hasten to apologize to ladies who feel +aggrieved; hence I sincerely crave your pardon for having printed +the article which gave you offense. Upon learning that you read +into it a meaning which I did not intend, I stopped the presses +and curtailed the circulation of the October number as much as +possible, proving my sincerity by a pecuniary sacrifice. I would +not for the wealth of this world either do you a wilful +injustice, or have you believe me capable of such a crime. May +you prosper in your studies, graduate with honor and bestow your +hands upon men worthy of noble women. + + . . . + + P.S. In looking over the foregoing since it was put in type, I +suspect that I have been a trifle too hard on some of those who +met to ratify the action of the first mob and publicly brand me +as a defamer of women. I would not do my deadliest enemy an +injustice. Two wrongs do not make a right; hence I concede that +perhaps half of those present pay their debts and make a +reasonable effort to be decent. If God neglected to bless them +with brains that is their misfortune instead of their fault. Let +it go at that. They have had their say, I've had mine, and right +here I drop the subject until another attempt is made to run me +out of town. I make this concession, not that Baylor deserves it, +but at the earnest request of the law-abiding element of this +city. + + * * * +SPEAKING OF SPIRITUALISM. + +A correspondent seizes his typewriter (the machine, not the maid) +with both hands, and peremptorily demands to be informed why I +"don't jump on that fake called Spiritualism." O I don't know, +unless it's because more corporeal things than spooks continue to +jump on me. It seems a waste of energy to criticize disembodied +spirits who do no worse than "revisit the pale glimpses of the +moon." I have never heard of a ghost robbing other than its own +grave. They are not addicted to despoiling widows and orphans, +then putting up long-winded prayers. They do not sing "Jesus +lover of my soul" on Sunday, then sell that same soul to the +devil for six-bits on Monday. No ghost, so far as I know, was +ever accused of lying about his neighbor, fracturing the Seventh +Commandment or beating his butcher-bills. They appear to be quite +harmless creatures, therefore not legitimate game for the +ICONOCLAST. Furthermore, I am not fully convinced that +Spiritualism is a "fake." There appears to be as good biblical +and natural reasons for belief in Spiritualism as for belief in +the Immaculate Conception or the efficacy of baptism. Doubtless +some of the professors are frauds, but as much can be said for +the professors of all other faiths. I confess that I haven't much +confidence in "mejums," who find employment for the shades of G. +Washington, J. Caesar, and others of that ilk, at table-tipping, +slate-writing and such unproductive enterprises; nor in the class +of spooks who "materialize" in dark rooms, come prancing out of +"cabinets" and other uncanny corporeal incubators for no other +apparent purpose than to enable their mundane manipulators to +realize two dollars in the coin of the realm. I opine that a +ghost who must retire to a "cabinet" to pull himself together is +no honest ghost; that those who consent to tip tables and indulge +in crude telegraphy for the entertainment of a lot of long-haired +hemales and credulous females must find time hang very heavy on +their hands in the great henceforth, and heartily wish themselves +back here wrestling with Republican prosperity, doctor bills and +other blessings. It seems to me that were I a ghost I would float +about on cloud banks and bathe in the splendors of the morning, +instead of hiding in bat-caves all day and snooping about all +night seeking an unsalaried situation at some dark-lantern +seance. When America's greatest lexicographer writes me an +ungrammatical message on a double-barreled slate, signs it "noeh +webstur," and instructs his terrestial to deliver it to me on +payment of one cart-wheel dollar, I suspect that there's +something sphacelated in the psychological Denmark. Of course +they may have the phonetic system of orthography in Elysium, but +in dealing with mortals I scarce think the old man would +discredit his own dictionary. A spook manipulator once solemnly +assured me that the spirit of Tecumseh was my guardian angel, +that the old Shawnee chief was ever at my elbow. I don't believe +it; had he been there on recent occasions he would have hit +sundry and various Baptists on the head with his tomahawk. If old +Tecum is trailing me around I want to give him a pointer right +here that as a guardian angel he's utterly no good in a clime + + "Where the rage of the vulture, the love of the turtle, + Now melt into sorrow, now madden to crime," + +and he had best cast his aegis over some Boston editor. It by no +means follows, however, that because many professional fakirs and +intellectual fuzziewuzzies have "gone in for Spiritualism," it is +all a fraud. If the morad floating in a sunbeam be +indestructible, existing in some shape from everlasting to +everlasting, it is inconceivable that mind, the lord of matter, +should perish utterly--should fade like an echo into the great +inane. That were a reversal of the law of the survival of the +fittest--casting away a priceless jewel while preserving its +tawdry setting. That the lesser should survive the greater; that +the case of Anaxarchus should continue and Anaxarchus' proud self +become nonexistent, were to leave matter without law and wreck +the universe, for law itself presupposes prescience. "Natural +law," so called, must either be an act of intelligence compelling +order, or a freak of nescience entailing chaos; hence if order be +eternal mind must necessarily be immortal, for it is an axiom of +science that "Nature wastes nothing." What becomes of the mighty +life-force of a Milton? If it be utterly extinguished; if it +becomes a forceless shade on Acheron's shore, or an "angel" +withdrawn from active influence in the universe, it is certainly +wasted, in so far as what we call nature is concerned. In his +lecture on "Evolution," Henry Ward Beecher said: "I believe there +is a universal and imminent constant influence flowing directly +from the bosom of God, and that is the inspiration of the human +race." Is God continually giving out this "influence," this +life-force, this vis vitalis, to the people of this planet, and +with each death withdrawing a portion thereof and either casting +it into the waste-basket of Perdition or cording it up, like +back- number newspapers, in the New Jerusalem, never to be again +employed? If it "flows directly from the bosom of God" is it not +God? And if Nature waste nothing can Nature's Prince be such a +prodigal? Is he not rather the great psychological heart of the +universe through which the same life-current, the same intellect +flows back and forth forever? But here! We are drifting into +metempsychosis--are in a fair way to get ourselves +excommunicated. Furthermore, we are actually predicating a +probability that the editor of the Chicago Inter-Ocean is a +reincarnation of Balaam's ass. I am not prepared to assert that +Spiritualism is all brazen charlantry or foolish self-deception. +It may be that the "inspiration" of which Beecher speaks as an +emanation from God himself, is but a higher wisdom taught the +longing heart by those it has loved and lost. The souls of the +dead scratch no messages on greasy slates for stupid eyes, shout +none across the Styx that can be heard by vulgar ears; but there +be men who can hear in the silent watches of the night the music +of lips long mute. There be those for whom the veil that +separates the two eternities is no black inpenetrable pall, but +an Arachne's web, a sacred shadow through which comes sweeping, +not the roar of myriad voiced hosannahs and the rustle of +countless wings of dazzling white beating the everlasting blue; +but the soft incense of love, bringing healing to broken hearts, +calm to rebellious souls. These seek no thaumaturgic incantations +to secure messages from the other shore, for they are coming +continually. They do but listen, and interpret as best they may +to their dull-eared brethren, the celestial wisdom. The latter +protest that they "inspired," and the trumpet Fame casts upon +them her purple robe. It is not the peripatetic "mediums," but +the poets and prophets who "call up the spirits" and bid them +speak to us; those who find all the dead Past living in the +Present; who are themselves so spirituelle that they can +understand Nature's finer tones--who realize that + + "Life is but a dome of many-colored glass + That stains the white radiance of eternity." + + All truly great men are spiritualists--even mystics. A +materialist may be a logician, a mathematician, in a limited way; +but never an orator nor a poet. He is of the earth earthly; an +intellectual Antaeus--the moment his feet leave the sodden clay +he is strangled by the gods. For him there is no Fount of Castaly +whose sweet waters make men mad. Parnassus is but an Egyptian +pyramid to be scaled with ladders, and by the aid of guides who +serve for salary. Fancy has no wings to waft him among the stars. +He sees in the Bible only its errors, never its wild beauty. For +him Villon was only a sot and Anacreon a libertine. In his cosmos +there's neither Garden of the God, nor Groves of Daphne. He can +understand neither the platonic love of Petrarch nor the +psychological ferocity of Rousseau. + + "The Apostle of affliction, he who threw + Enchantment over passion, and from + Woe wrung overwhelming eloquence." + +For him all, all is clay--even the laughter of childhood is a +cunning mechanism, and the Uranian Venus but a lump of animated +earth. The flowers bring him messages only from the muck in which +their roots are buried, the "concord of sweet sounds" is but a +disturbance of the atmosphere. Such men do not live; they merely +exist. They do not enjoy life; they do not even suffer its pangs. +They know naught of that sweetness "for which Love is indebted to +Sorrow." God pity them. + + * * * + +The gang of mutton-heads whose duty it was to select twelve poets +whose names should be commemorated in the new congressional +library, excluded that of Tom Moore on the plea that he wasn't +much of a poet, and now the Irish-Americans are fairly seething +with indignation. Take it easy; Tom Moore doesn't need a memorial +tablet. He will be read and honored centuries after the library +building with its poet's corner has perished of old age. He is +the poet of the people, and has more readers than any ten of +those honored by the committee. + + + * * * + SOME GOLD-BUG GUFF. + +If it is gold that has appreciated, as the silverites claim, +aren't the farmers now getting two dollars a bushel for their +wheat?--Montgomery (Ala.) Advertiser. + + The foregoing is irrefutable evidence that the fool-killer is +enacting the role of cunctator. Only a gold-bug editor could +insult the people of Alabama with such an exhibition of idiocy. I +am heartily tired of this whole currency question; but the +Advertiser has been fairly stinking for attention a long +time--its Smart Alecism has become simply insupportable. +Politically considered, the Advertiser has been all things to all +men and "nothing to nobody." It is a journalistic George Clark, +mistaking political treachery for diplomacy and impudence for +intellect. As Clark cannot interview himself to the extent of +half a column for the Morning Bazoo without getting his goozle +entangled in the skein of his own intorted argument, so the +Advertiser cannot grind out an editorial of equal length without +getting hoist with its own logical sequence, split from vermiform +appendix to occipitofrontalis by the recoil of its own +syllogisms. The Advertiser is unreliable as Proteus; the base +vulpine instinct serves it in lieu of brains; the clink of cash +in the counting room is the keeper of its conscience. At least +such is the pen-portrait drawn of it by the best men in Alabama. +Its allusion to $2 wheat is a trick that would disgrace the +sophists who practice in our municipal courts with drunks and +courtesans for clients. Such a horse-play for the benefit of the +political gallery gods would be contemptuously ignored by the +ICONOCLAST were not the Advertiser's betters indulging in the +same unmitigated bosh. Our Alabama contemporary is but an anile +echo of the New York Tribune, a faint adumbration of the Chicago +Inter-Ocean. The bigwigs cut out the work for the journalistic +wiggletails. They pitch the tune and all the intellectual eunuchs +come in on the chorus. The editorials of all such sheets as the +Advertiser are but a stale re-hash of Eastern utterances. They +pick up these things and "work 'em over," just as the Herald of +Astoria, Ore., revamps articles from the ICONOCLAST and runs them +as original. The farmer IS now receiving $2 a bushel for his +wheat. That is to say, the dollar with which he is paid has +double the purchasing power of the dollar two decades ago. He is +exactly as well off as though he received two old-time +dollars--if he chances to be out of debt. If he is not out of +debt, if he must discharge old scores with these 200-cent +dollars, he is being deprived of his adventitious good fortune +resulting from foreign crop failures. It makes no earthly +difference what the measure of value may be if it is immutable. +The purchasing power of the dollar might be safely increased or +decreased 90 per cent. were the whole business of this country on +a cash basis. Under such conditions we might contract our volume +of money to a million dollars or expand it to five billions, and +harm nobody; but it seems to me that any fool on earth--even the +editor of the Advertiser could comprehend the following +unequivocal facts: (1) that a majority of the American people owe +money; (2) that an enhancement of the purchasing power of the +dollar must work grievous injury to the debtor; (3) that unless +the volume of money keeps pace with the increase in the money +work to be done the unit of value must inevitably appreciate. Let +us state the case in kindergarten language for the benefit of +intellectual infants; while the demand for money is increasing in +a ratio of geometrical progression we have eliminated one great +source of supply--have cast upon gold alone the money work which +from time immemorial had been done by two metals. The gold +product has not kept pace with the growth of the world's +business; the law of supply and demand is irrevocable; ergo, gold +HAS appreciated and the debtor HAS been despoiled. The temporary +rise in price of one or two or a score of American products in +obedience to the laws of trade cannot obscure these +incontrovertible facts. WHILE THE PRICE OF WHEAT HAS ADVANCED THE +PRICE OF LABOR HAS DECLINED. The wage-worker now receives LESS +than formerly, while it costs him MORE to feed his family. And +this is what the Republican press and its mugwump echo call +prosperity! The wheat-growers, numerically unimportant, are +prospering despite the gold standard, just as the placer-miner +who washes out ten dollars each day and gives up five of it +nightly to cut-throat gamblers; but in this prosperity the great +body of the American people have neither lot nor part. Texas is +selling middling cotton at 5 1/2 and paying $3 for flour. Adult +male operatives are working in Massachusetts cotton mills for 50 +cents a day, and their families doing without flour. Pennsylvania +miners are braving subterranean dangers for 90 cents a day and +living on potatoes and point. Although this is the busiest season +of the year--the time when the Republican tidal wave of +prosperity is supposed to buss the very clouds--there is scarce a +town or city in the United States where able-bodied men are not +begging for employment. If you don't think so put a 3-line "ad" +in your morning paper that you want to employ a man for any +purpose, and offer ONE-HALF the salary that such service would +have commanded before the demonetization of silver, and see how +quickly your office will be jammed! Texas has probably suffered +less than any other American state from hard times, Waco less +than any other Texas city, for here we can subsist on climate and +sanctification. Waco is a city of but 30,000 souls--conceding +that the Baptists are supplied with that immortal annex; yet when +it was reported the other day that the ICONOCLAST needed another +book- keeper applications were filed before night by a score of +men competent in the craft. Men apply a month ahead for +employment on mailing day, because at that time a dozen or so +extras can each earn a dollar. I have in hand an article by one +of the brightest journalists of Chicago, who states that +reporters are paid $10 to $25, editorial writers $25 to $35 per +week, and that a man who offends the newspaper trust can get no +further employment in the town. Twenty years ago a scribe who +could turn a bright editorial paragraph or manufacture an +interesting falsehood was worth $50 to $75 a week in Chicago, and +if lost one situation he'd find two more before he got half- +sober--but that was before Markhanna and his peon took charge of +this country's prosperity. Will the Advertiser or any other +mugwump organ, kindly explain why it is, if the gold standard is +making this country to flourish like a green-bay horse, the idle +money of Europe and New England continues to pour across the +state of Texas, ignoring its matchless resources, to find +employment in free-silver Mexico! Why wages are slowly but +steadily rising in that country and are steadily declining in +this? Why is it that when a man cannot obtain employment here he +turns his face to "the Land of God and Liberty" if he has the +price of passage, feeling assured that there he has but to ask +for a job to obtain it? Why is that above all this cackle about +prosperity can be heard the stentor tones of Markhanna's organ +advising American workmen that they must come squarely down to +the European wage level before they can hope for permanent +employment? Perhaps I could find answers to these questions +myself had not my Baptist brethren lately pounded my head to a +pulp. As it is, I humbly ask for information, beseech the +Advertiser to uncork its omniscience. Will the millions of +Americans who can barely make a living of it during the busy +season, thank God and the gold-buggers for manifold mercies when +the fall trade is over and the crops are all in? + + * * * +"THE TYPICAL AMERICAN TOWN." + +BY THE COLONEL. + +It is worth a man's life in Chicago to state his unbiased opinion +of Chicago. The city is filled with dirt and vanity. Its +population is the most complex in the world. It has more than +300,000 people who do not speak, read or write the English +language. In certain of its west side districts a sound of the +mother tongue is not heard from year's end to year's end. The +number of bodies within its limits closely approximates +1,500,000. It will be noticed that I do not say "souls." Not a +daily paper published in the city has a bonafide circulation of +100,000 copies, which is, in itself, a striking commentary upon +the character of the people who live in the largest town of Cook +county. A circulation of that size is not thought to be a thing +to be bragged about in New York. In Chicago, its attainment is +the ambition and heart's desire of every newspaper publisher in +the town. + +A traveling man who was not from St. Louis, once summarized +Chicago as "a big, dirty, noisy roaring bluff." He was a fellow +who had a just appreciation of the value of adjectives. That is +what it is. It is said of the merchants that in the summer time +they load wagons with empty barrels and drive them about the +streets to simulate business. I don't doubt it. If they haven't +done it, they forgot it. There is no shady trick of commercial +competition that they will not stoop to, nothing short of a +penitentiary offense that they will balk at. Sometimes they do +not stop there. + +Chicago has been called "the representative American city." It +is. It represents the America of to-day, because more than any +other municipality, its life is wrapped in the pursuit of the +dollar. A man in Chicago is weighed by dollars. The attractions +of his wife and daughters are judged by dollars. His value as a +citizen, his worthiness as an American, his fitness for public +service, his chances of heaven are measured by the standard of +the dollar. + +There is a merchant prince in Chicago whose private life contains +a scandal that is absolutely unprintable. He is looked up to by +men and admired by women. His name is often upon the lips of the +good, although I cannot learn that he gives freely to charity, or +to the city's advancement. He is held up as a model for young men +struggling in the race of life. He is pointed out to girls as an +epitome of brainy American manhood. It cost him $500,000 to hush +up this scandal, or rather to keep it out of print. It is known +to thousands of course, because a matter of this kind can no more +be stilled than the winds and the waves can be stilled. But the +dollars did the work they were designed to do. Not a paper of the +newspaper trust contained a line in reference to it. The man +advertises, you see. + +There is another man high in Chicago financial circles. Men tip +their hats to him on the streets. His name appears on the +prospectuses and in the lists of directors in many powerful +institutions. He is a prominent figure at many social functions. +His hair is white with age, but he still has a lust for tender +maidenhood. This man has served a term in the penitentiary for +stealing from his government. As a result of that theft he has +many dollars. + +When a man hears of Chicago he is pretty apt to hear of Yerkes. +Yerkes owns all of the north side street railways and is a +dictator in a dozen enormous enterprises. It is the fashion to +regard Yerkes as an octopus who has Chicago grasped in his +strangling arms. It is the custom to hurl abuse at Yerkes and +hold Yerkes responsible for all the many ills of the city. In the +popular mind Yerkes is the Chicago exemplar of the grasping, +soulless, blood-sucking monopolist. This is because the newspaper +trust does not like Yerkes. He began fighting it a long time ago, +holding war to be cheaper than tribute. Up to date Yerkes has a +long way the best of the contest. He has a thick skin. Abuse +glides off him like water off an oiled board. Yerkes, too, is a +jail bird. He has served, it is said, a term in a Pennsylvania +penitentiary. Yerkes went to the penitentiary, it is further +said, because he would not betray his fellow robbers. He took his +punishment, but he kept his mouth shut. In other words, he "did +not peach on his pals." It will be seen that there is a good deal +of a man in Yerkes--much more, in fact than is to be found in any +one of his newspaper publishing traducers; but even his fondest +intimates have never denied that he is a rascal. + +There are women high in the society of Chicago who know more +about the services of unscrupulous midwives than they would care +to tell. There are girls still wearing their maiden names whose +white arms and throats flash with the ransoms of princes who will +feel no blush stealing over neck, cheek and chin when they lie +waiting in the bridal bed. Three are mothers of children--many of +them--who have "graduated" from Dwight and whose breaths still +reek with the fumes of whiskey. There are wives whose annual +flitting to the summer resorts means six weeks of unrestrained +lechery. Meanwhile the old man, who is left in the city to +wrestle for some more of the dollars, is not overlooking any +bets. It is possible that he knows his wife is unchaste. +Certainly he makes no pretensions to chastity himself. + +Things have reached this pass in "the representative American +city": A youth born, reared and educated there believes that it +is his mission and his duty to get dollars and has no other idea. +A girl born and reared there thinks it her mission and her duty +to marry dollars. If her parents are poor, if she is compelled to +"work out" as stenographer, typewriter, shop-lady, or whatnot, +and if she keeps her virtue, she is a phenomenon. The vaudeville +stage is recruited from her ranks. The bawdy houses are recruited +from her ranks. The fetid river's yearly burden of corpses is +recruited from her ranks. + +What is to become of it? What is the natural fruit of such a +tree? What is the legitimate of a million and a half of such +humanity cooped into one space and boiling and seething with ten +million different aims and passions? What part in the drama of +the future is to be played by the 300,000 non-English speaking +residents, many of whom are voters? Men say that the signs of the +times point to revolution. Men behind the scenes say that this +country was dangerously near it in 1896. It needs no prophet to +foresee trouble when the rich are becoming richer, through +scoundrelism, and the poor are becoming poorer, through +drunkenness, idleness, dirt and all viciousness. Of that +revolution when it comes Chicago will be the fountain and the +center. I dare to say that if there are 5,000 open anarchists in +Chicago to-day there are 50,000 anarchists unconfessed. The +trouble is that their indictment against the wealthy ruling +classes contain true counts. They are not worth the powder and +lead necessary to their execution, but are those who sit in the +high places any better? + +Preachers on fat salaries may preach in rich churches, scrolled +and cavern and mullion-windowed, then form laisons with +choir-singers; hired writers may write of the goodness of the +times, then pose in beer-joints and denounce God and the +universe. Christian Endeavorers and all the other bands of inane +asses may shout their mawkish hymns, but facts are facts. The +city of the dollar is in a bad way, and it is the "representative +American city." + +More men to tell the truth are needed. More men willing to lead +clean lives. One object lesson is worth a hundred told from +books. More women are wanted who will hold their virtue as +God-given and a priceless gem. Such men and such women would be +laughed at for a while as oddities in Chicago, but even the +modern Gomorrah would be affected by them in time. Missionary +boards are spending thousands every year in endeavors to induce +highly moral Chinamen to become immoral Christians; but right +before their eyes in the county of Cook, state of Illinois, is a +more fruitful field than they have ever plowed, a field that is +lying fallow, although there are ministers enough camped on it, +God knows. It is the fashion of the snug missionary board, +however, to see only those things which are far off. It has been +so since missionary boards first tortured savages whose chief +offense was that they worshipped God in their own way, and it +will continue to be so until the last missionary has taken up his +last collection and laid in his winter's coal therewith. The +ICONOCLAST has done its level best to snatch the Chicago brand +from the burning and now and then some Chicago man walks straight +for a little way under the influence of its teaching, but one +journal cannot do the work of a hundred, nor is the whole of +heathendom to be saved by one preacher. Until the great sweeping +time comes around and Chicago is purified in the most cleansing +of all liquids, though each quart of it means a human life, the +money changers will sit in the temple and the bawds and lovers of +bawds drink in the sanctuary. + + . . . + +Not long ago Chicago had a celebration. It placed a statue to +"Black Jack Logan" on the lake front. This statue, which is by +St. Gaudens, represents a large-moustached man on a slimly-built +horse that has his right hoof elevated to his ear, apparently +endeavoring to paw a fly therefrom. Of course, it is understood +that any natural horse which stood in that way, would fall down +and skin his pasterns and hocks and stifles and barrel and +withers and other parts of him known to the veterinarians. I am +no horse doctor. + +The large-moustached man has on cavalry boots which are dug into +the stirrups and his legs are very stiff and calm. He holds a +flag in his right hand--holds it far up and away and its folds +are blown by the wind. Every child knows that a United States +flag and staff weigh only two ounces and a man on horse-back can +swing it around as if it were a feather. These things do not +enter into the rapt dream of St. Gaudens. Nothing enters into his +dream save poetry to be expressed in bronze and the dollars that +are to come therefrom. The statue is well enough in its way. Let +it go at that. + + . . . + +There was a celebration. Troops came and marched from many +states. Veterans of the Grand Army of the Republic tramped along +and the people cheered them. I suppose that one quarter of the +heroes who are drawing $160,000,000 a year in pensions from the +government were on hand. I have been unable to find out anything +that "Black Jack" did, other than the fact that he came back from +the front in 1863, and legged for Abraham Lincoln, thereby +getting into politics and staying in until he died. Also he +scoured the country carefully and found everybody that was +connected with him by blood or marriage and put him or her into +office. At one time Logan and family were drawing enough money +from Uncle Sam to draw a respectable navy. As the orators were +orating and the cannon were barking and the sweating people on +the sidewalks were shouting, they knew not and cared not for +what, I thought of some lines which opened a Washington letter in +the Boston Globe many years ago, when John A. Logan was in the +United States Senate. There was a tariff discussion on and he +took a part. These were the lines: "Pranced there in, on the +arena of the great debate, like a trick mule in a circus or a +spavined nightmare on the track of a beautiful dream, Logan of +Illinois." They fitted him. + +A part of that celebration consisted of fireworks which were +given at the Coliseum, a large building which stands in the +southern part of the city and is used as a place of +entertainment. John T. Dickinson, formerly of Texas, and now of +the earth, is the president of the Coliseum Company, and +engineered the display. It takes money to have fireworks and the +company of "big-bugs" who bossed the entire marksman's contest, +told him so. With that hustle which made him a marked man in +Austin and other large cities in which he lived before he broke +into Chicago, Dickinson rushed out and raised the money. He got +subscriptions from prominent merchants, collected the funds and +turned them over to William R. Harper, who was chairman of the +committee on arrangements and committee on glory and pretty +nearly everything else. The fireworks were touched off and fizzed +and banked and spluttered, and the people cheered some more. + +The fellows who furnished the Catherine wheels and sky rockets +and so forth, sent in their bills, which were audited and marked +correct and Harper was requested to settle. He refused. The +fireworks were not a success, he said. The fireworks men +represented to him that whether the display was a success or a +heart-breaking failure sawed no frozen water whatever. They were +not entrusted with the management of the affair. They had +furnished the goods and wanted their money. Harper refused. +Dickinson jumped in once more and carried to Harper testimonials +from the men who had furnished the money, saying that there never +had been any fireworks so good as those fireworks. Harper +refused. Harper was then bombarded with orders from the +subscribers directing him to pay out the $2,500 which he held to +their credit. He refused. + +So the matter stands. The fire-cracker men are desolate. +Dickinson has lost thirty of his 250 pounds. Harper has the +money. Chicago has the scandal of a lot of unpaid workmen and +manufacturers who helped to celebrate the unveiling of the pawing +horse and big moustache out on the lake front-the bronze memorial +of "Black Jack" Logan, who never did anything but wed a smart +woman and hold office and beget a son who married money in Ohio. + + . . . + +These are the components of the Chicago newspaper trust, of which +many people have heard: The Tribune, the Record, the +Times-Herald, the Chronicle, the Post, the Journal and the News. +The object of the trust is to advance the interests of the +proprietors and swell their bank accounts at the expense of +individuals and the public in general. It is an offensive +alliance against decency and fair play. It is powerful. Such +enterprises as it elects to boom are boomed. Such as it elects to +destroy are destroyed. Such men as it cares to advance are +advanced. Such men as it cares to attack are viciously lampooned +day after day and week after week and month after month. It does +not lampoon anyone who pays it. In each of these papers the +editorial room is utterly and thoroughly dominated by the +counting room. It gets its order day by day from the business +counter and it obeys them with a slavish servility. The merchant +with a display advertisement in their columns is safe from +attack, no matter what his crime. From end to end it is one man +journalism, and each of the papers is run for the benefit of the +one man who is its proprietor. The Tribune is owned by Joe +Medill, the Times-Herald and Post are owned by H. H. Kohlsast, +the Record and News are owned by Victor Lawson, the Journal is +owned by the McRae- Scripps league and the Chronicle is owned by +John R. Walsh, a banker. + +The effects of the newspaper trust upon the public are so well +known that they need not be further enumerated. Its effects upon +the individual worker in journalism are damnable. + +The Chicago journalist belongs to the man who hires him, or he +moves away, or he starves. That is all there is to it. If +discharged by one, he cannot be hired by another. He is +blacklisted until the man who discharges him chooses to reinstate +him. If employed by one paper and does exceptional work, he +cannot go to another one at an increase of salary. This is one of +the strongest rules of the trust. His only chance to get +approximately what his work is worth is to resign and risk being +hired elsewhere, and he will be hired elsewhere in Chicago only +if his former owner does not object. He can, too, go to another +paper at the same wages and take his chance of a raise. + +The result of this is not only to peon men, but to pay them +merely living wages. There has never been a time in the history +of America when the pay of a competent newspaper man was so low +as it is in Chicago. Reporters run from $10 to $25 a week, copy +readers get $25 on morning papers, telegraph editors about the +same, editorial writers and paragraphers are paid from $30 to +$35. Wages in other parts of the business "up-stairs" are formed +on a like model. These wages are from one-third to one-half of +what are paid in New York. There is no newspaper trust in New +York. As it is, the list of unemployed newspaper men in Chicago +numbers more than 200. Any one of them would be glad to take a +place at starvation wages if he could get it. + +There is one gleam of hope for the Chicago newspaper man. It is +rumored that W. R. Hearst of the New York Journal intends to +start a morning paper there. I do not believe that he will, but +if he does he will force some of the trust members to publish +newspapers or get out of the business. Hearst is called a "yellow +journalist," and what not, and may be he is, but he is a boon to +the workers. There can be no manner of doubt about that. Chicago, +October 15. + + * * * +THE AUTHOR OF EPISCOPALIANISM. VERSAILLES, Mo., August +31.--Editor, ICONOCLAST: Will you please inform me who was the +father of Anne Boleyn, second wife of Henry the Eighth, giving +citations. JOHN D. BOHLING. + +Anne Boleyn was the daughter of Henry VIII. of England, and Lady +Boleyn. This is so well known to every student of history that +"giving citations" seems superfluous; but of the first that comes +to my mind I'll furnish a few: Dr. Bayley ("Life of Bishop +Fisher") says that before the wedding of King Henry to Anne +occurred, Lady Boleyn addressed to the former these words: "Sir, +for the reverence of God, take heed what you do in marrying my +daughter, for, if you record your own conscience well, she is +your own daughter as well as mine"; to which the king replied: +"Whose daughter soever she is, she shall be my wife." Dr. Sander +("Anglican Schism") says that Henry VIII. was the father of his +second wife, Anne Boleyn. Dr. D. Lewis, in his introduction to +the book, says that both Lady Boleyn and her daughter Mary were +King Henry's mistresses, and adds: "Nothing remains but to accept +the fearful story told, not by Dr. Sander only, nor by him before +all others, and say that, at least by the confession of the King +and both Houses of Parliament, Anne Boleyn was Henry's child." +Van Ortroy (Vic de B. Martyr Jean Fisher") says that Anne was the +daughter of Henry, and that the fact was so generally known that +it was the subject of ribald songs in continental capitals. +William Cobbett ("History of the Protestant Reformation") says +that Anne Boleyn became first the mistress and then the wife of +her father. Gasquet, in his notes on that work, endorses the +statement. By act of Parliament (28 Henry VIII C. 7) Elizabeth, +daughter of Henry and Anne, was declared a bastard; that "certain +just and lawful impediments" were unknown to the King when the +marriage occurred, but had since been officially "confessed by +the said Lady Anne." Archbishop Cranmer, who divorced Henry from +Catherine, also divorced him from Anne, declaring in his latter +decree "in the name of Christ and for the honor of God, the +marriage was and always had been null and void." This sentence +was signed by both houses of Convocation. It was approved by +Parliament. Yet Cranmer, the Convocation and Parliament +recognized Henry's divorce from Catherine as valid. According to +English law, both religious and secular, Henry had no other wife +when he married Anne, she no other husband. The only "lawful +impediments" to the marriage were those stated by Anne's mother. +They were positively known before Anne's marriage to Henry, the +first official head of the Church of England, and who formulated +and enforced its first body of doctrine, and there is every +reason to believe that they were known at that time to Cranmer, +the first archbishop of the parent of Episcopalianism, the +sweet-scented author of the "Book of Common Prayer." + + * * * +Dr. Rufus C. Burleson is not a perfect man. He has not always +treated the ICONOCLAST either with Christian charity or courtesy; +but as men go, he's far above the average. While he was president +of Baylor University its students did not get drunk. They were +not encouraged to arm themselves and commit lawless acts of +violence. All the good that is in Baylor University is due to his +untiring efforts and self-sacrifice. There would be no Baylor +University to-day but for Dr. Burleson; yet after nearly half a +century of service, he has been pitched out and humiliated and +lied about by creatures who are not worthy to breathe the same +atmosphere. The Baptist fight is none of mine; but I am the +champion of fair play; and I say here that even in his so-called +"dotage," Dr. Burleson has more brains, more good morals, more +manhood, than have Carroll, Cranfill, and all their scurvy crew. +If the enemies of Burleson triumph at the coming state +convention, then the Baptist sect ought to perish from the earth. +Shake, Doctor; Baylor has treated you a damned sight worse than +it has treated me. + + * * * +A GIPSY GENIUS. + +BY WILLIAM MARION REEDY. + +Men are the only things worth while, in this world, and I purpose +to write briefly of a man, who, though living in these, our own, +so-called, degenerate days, would have found a perfect setting in +"the spacious times of great Elizabeth." He would have been a +worthy companion of Raleigh, half-pirate and half-poet. He had in +his time but one soul-kinsman, and that man was at once England's +shame and glory, embalmed forever in the ominous work, Khartoum. + +Sir Richard Burton was the last of the English "gentleman +adventurers." He came late into the world, but he had in him the +large, strong qualities that have made England master of the +world. He was a Gypsy genius, though his utmost research could +never find more clew to a Romany ancestry than the fact that +there was a Gypsy family of the same name. He looked the Gypsy in +ever feature, and he had upon him such an urging restlessness as +no man ever had, save, perhaps, the Wandering Jew. His life was +an epic of thought, of investigation and of adventure. The track +of his wanderings laced the globe. He loved "the antres vast and +deserts idle," and he had the FLAIR, the houndscent, as it were, +to find the hearts of strange peoples. His "Life," by his wife, +is the most interesting biography since that of Boswell, and +strangely enough, it is, like the famous "Johnson," as +interesting for its revelation of the biographer as for its +portrayal of the subject. Burton's wife was the loving-est slave +that ever wedded with an idol. The story of the courtship is +ridiculous almost to the verge of tragic. As a girl, a gypsy +woman named Burton, told Isabel Arundell that she would marry one +of the palmist's name, would travel much, and receive much honor. + +One day, at Boulogne, she was on the ramparts, with companions, +when she saw Burton. She describes him raptuously; tall, thin, +muscular, very dark hair, black, clearly-defined, sagacious +eye-brows, a brown weather-beaten complexion, straight Arab +features, a determined looking mouth and chin. And then she +quotes a clever friend's description, "That he had the brow of a +God, the jaw of a Devil." + +His eyes "pierced you through and through." When he smiled, he +did so "as though it hurt him." He had a "fierce proud melancholy +expression," and he "looked with contempt at things generally." +He stared at her, and his eyes looked her through and through. +She turned to a friend and said in a whisper, "That man will +marry ME." The next day they walked again. This time this man +wrote on the wall, "May I speak to you?" She picked up the chalk +and scrawled, "No, mother will be angry." A few days later they +met in formal manner, and were introduced. She started at the +name, Burton. Her naif rhapsodies on the meeting are refreshing. +One night he danced with her. She kept the sash and the gloves +she wore that night as sacred mementoes. Six years passed before +she saw her Fate again. He had been in the world though, and she +had kept track of his actions. In 1856 she met him in the +Botanical Gardens "walking with the gorgeous creature of +Boulogne--then married." They talked of things, particularly of +Disraeli's "Tancred." He asked her if she came to the Gardens +often. She said that she and her cousin came there every morning. +He was there next morning, composing poetry to send to +Monkton-Milnes. They walked and talked and did it again and +again. "I trod on air," wrote the lady in her old, old age. Why +not? She was one woman who had found a real hero. He asked her if +she could dream of giving up civilization, and of going to live +there if he could obtain the Consulate of Damascus. He told her +to think it over. She said, "I don't WANT to think it over--I've +been thinking it over for six years, ever since I first saw you, +at Boulogne, on the ramparts. I have prayed for you every day, +morning and night. I have followed all your career minutely. I +have read every word you ever wrote, and I would rather have a +crust and a tent with YOU than to be Queen of all the world. And +so I say now, yes, yes, yes." She lived up to this to the day of +his death, and long after it. + +In 1859 she was thinking of becoming a Sister of Charity. She had +not heard from Burton in a long time. He had left her without +much ceremony to search for the sources of the Nile with Speke. +Speke had returned alone, Burton remained at Zenzibar, and she +says, "I was very sore "because Burton, according to report, was +not thinking of coming home, to his love, but of going for the +source of the Nile once more. She called on a friend. The friend +was out. She waited, and while waiting Burton popped in upon her. +He had come to see the friend to get her address. Her description +of the meeting is a pitifully exact reproduction of her emotions +over the reunion. He was weakened by African fevers. Her family, +ardent Catholics, opposed the idea of marriage. The lovers used +to meet in the Botanical Gardens, whence she often had to escort +him fainting, to the house of sympathetic friends, in a cab. He +was poor. He was out of favor with the government. Speke had +pre-empted the honors of the expedition. But she was happy. + +Then one day, in April, 1860, she was walking with some friends +when "a tightning of the heart" came over her, that "she had not +known before." She went home, and said to his sister, "I am not +going to see Richard for some time." Her sister re-assured her. +"No, I shall not," she said, "I don't know what is the matter." A +tap came at the door, and a note was put in her hand. Burton was +off on a journey to Salt Lake City, to investigate Mormonism. He +would be gone nine months and then he was to come back, to see if +she would marry him. He returned about Christmas, 1860. In the +later part of January they were married, the details of the +affair being appropriately unconventional, not to say exciting. +The marriage was, practically, an elopement. Lady Burton's +description of the event, and of every event in their lives, ever +after, discloses an idolatry of the man that was almost an +insanity. She reveals herself as a help-mate, with no will but +her husband's, no thought that was not for, and of, him. She +annihilated herself as an individual, and she has left in her own +papers a set of "Rules For a Wife," that will make many wives, +who are regarded as models of devotion, smile contemptuously at +her. She was utterly happy in complete submission to his will. +She described how she served him almost like an Indian squaw. She +packed his trunks, was his amanuensis, attended to the details of +publishing his books, came, or went, as he bade, suffered long +absence in silence, or accompanied him on long journeys of +exploration, uncomplainingly, was proud when he hypnotized her +for the amusement of his friends. One can but feel deeply sorry +for her, for with all her servility, she was a woman of the finer +order of mind. The pity of her worship grows, as the reader of +his life, and hers, realizes how little return in demonstrative +affection she received as the reward for her vast, and continuous +lavishment of love. She strikes me, in this, as a strange blend +of the comic and the tragic. The world neglected Burton. He +almost deserved it; so great a sacrifice as his wife consecrated +of her life to him would compensate for the loss of anything. You +admire it; but you catch yourself suspecting that this +consecration must have been, at times, an awful bore to him. He +was unfaithful to her, it is said, with ethnological intent, in +all the tribes of the earth. He had no morals to speak of. He had +no religion, having studied all. He was a pagan beyond +redemption, though his wife maintained that he was a Catholic. +Unfortunately, for her, his masterpiece refutes her +overwhelmingly. He wrote the most remarkable poem of the last +forty years, one that is to be classed only with Tennyson's "In +Memoriam" and the "Rubaiyat" of Omar Khayyam. By this poem, and, +probably, by the revelation of the love he excited in one woman, +he will live. This poem expresses himself, and his conclusion, +after years spent in wandering, fighting, studying languages, +customs and religions. To understand the man and his poem, we +must understand what he did, and since the time of the Old +Romance, no man surpassed him in "deeds of derring-do." He was a +modern, a very modern, Knight of the Round Table. He was the +possessor of innumerable abstruse, and outlandish +accomplishments. He was a scientist, a linguist, a poet, a +geographer, a roughly clever diplomat, a fighter, a man with a +polyhedric personality, that caught and gave, something from and +to every one. And he died dissatisfied, at Trieste, in 1890, at +the age of sixty-nine, and Swinburne sang a dirge for him that +was almost worth dying for. + +What he did is hard to condense into an article. I can do no more +than skim over his career, and make out a feature here and there. +He was an unstudious youth. He was not disciplined. He grew as he +might, and he absorbed information at haphazard from any book he +found to his liking, but he was a sort of intellectual Ishmael. +He studied things not in the curriculum. He plunged into Arabic +and Hindustani, and was "rusticated." He cared nothing for the +classics, yet he left a redaction of Catullus that is a splendid +exposition of that singer's fearful corruption, and with all of +his art. He entered the Indian Army, and he became so powerful, +though a subordinate, that he was repressed. His superiors +feared, that in him, they would find another Clive or Hastings. +Then he joined the Catholic church, but he joined many a church +thereafter to find its hidden meaning. He was trusted to a +limited extent by Sir Charles Napier, and he so insinuated +himself with the natives, that he was one of them, and sharer of +their mysterious powers. Kipling has pictured him under the name +of "Strickland" as an occultly powerful personage in several of +his stories. He was close to the Sikh war, and he mingled with +the hostile natives in disguise, until he knew their very hearts. +His pilgrimage to Mecca was a feat that startled the world. He +was the first "infidel" to kiss the Kaabba. To do this he had to +become a Mohammedan, and to perform almost hourly minute +ceremonials, in which, had he failed of perfection, he would have +been torn to pieces. His book on this journey is a narration that +displays the deadly cold quality of his courage, and indeed a +stupendous consciencelessness in the interest of science. Next we +find him in the Crimea in the thick of things, and always in +trouble. He said that all his friends got into trouble, and +Burton was, usually, "agin the government." It was after the +Crimea that he met the lady who became his remarkable wife, in +the remarkable manner I have sketched. Then he went off to +discover the sources of the Nile, and with Speke navigated Lake +Tanganyika. He knew that he had not discovered the source, and he +wanted to try again, but he and Speke quarreled, and +pamphleteered against each other in the press. Burton, deficient +in money, and in sycophancy, was discredited for a time, although +now his name is immortal in geography as a pioneer of African +travel. We have seen how he left his betrothed to study the +Mormons, and he studied them more closely than his wife's book +intimates, for she everything extenuated and ignored for her +God-like Richard. + +After his experiences of marriage in Mormondom, undertaken it now +seems, in a desire to ascertain if polygamy were not better for +him than monogamy, he returned to London, and was married despite +the objections of Isabel Arundell's Catholic family. The lot of +the couple was poverty, although now and then, thoughtful friends +invited them to visit, and they accepted to save money. After a +long wait he was appointed Consul at Fernando Po, on the West +African coast. This was a miserable place, but Burton made it +lively; he disciplined the negroes, and he made the sea captains +fulfill their contracts under threat of guns. He went home, and +then went back to Fernando Po, and undertook delicate dealings +with the king of Dahomey, and explored the west coast. He went to +Ireland, but Ireland was too quiet for him, but he found there +were Burtons there, which accounted to himself for much of +himself. After that he went to Brazil as Consul at Santos, Sao +Pablo, another "Jumping off place." He explored. He found rubies, +and he obtained a concession for a lead mine for others. He met +there the Tichborne Claimant, and invented a Carbine pistol. He +visited Argentina. All this time he was writing upon many things, +or having his wife take his dictation. She went into the wilds, +down into the mines, everywhere with him. Next he was transferred +to Damascus, where his honesty got him into trouble, and his +wife's Catholicity aroused great sentiment against him. He went +into Syria, and he created consternation among the corrupt office +holders in Asia Minor. One can scarcely follow his career without +dizziness. By way of obliging a friend, who wanted a report on a +mine, he went to Iceland, and came back to take the Consulship at +Trieste. He went back to India and into Egypt, and then returned +to Trieste to die. He wrote pamphlets, monographs, letters and +books about everything he saw, and every place he visited. He had +information exact, and from the fountain head about innumerable +things; religions, races, ruins, customs, languages, tribal +genealogies, plants, geology, archaeology paleontology, botany, +politics, morals, almost everything that was of human interest +and value, and besides all this, he was familiar with Chaucer's +vocabulary, with recondite learning about Latin colloquialisms, +and read with avidity everything from the Confessions of Saint +Augustine to the newspapers. He wrote a "Book of the Sword," that +is the standard book on that implement for the carving of the +world. His translations of the "Arabian Nights" is a Titanic +work, invaluable for its light upon Oriental folk lore, and +literal to a degree that will keep it forever a sealed book to +the Young Person. His translations of Camoens is said to be a +wonderful rendition of the spirit of the Portuguese Homer. His +Catullus is familiar to students, but not edifying. He wrote a +curious volume on Falconry in India, and a manual of bayonet +exercise. He collated a strange volume of African folk-lore. He +translated several Brazilian tales. He translated Apulius' +"Golden Ass." And he had notes for a book on the Gypsies, on the +Greek Anthology, and Ausonius. The Burton bibliography looks like +the catalogue of a small library. All the world knows about his +book, "The Scented Garden," which he translated from the Persian, +and which, after his death, his wife burned rather than permit +the publication of its naked naturalism. It was in the same vein +as his "Arabian Nights," and contained much curious comment upon +many things that we Anglo Saxons do not talk about, save in +medical society meetings, and dog Latin. + +When such a man sat down to write a poem, embodying his view of +"the Higher Law," what could have been expected but a notable +manuscript. With his poem, "the Kasidah," we shall now concern +ourselves. It purports to be a translation from the Arabic of +Haji Abdu El Yezdi. Its style is like that of the Rubaiyat. It is +erude, but subtile. It is brutal in its anti-theism, and yet it +has a certain tender grace of melancholy, deeper than Omar's own. +It is devoid of Omar's mysticism and epicureanism, and +appallingly synthetic. It will not capture the sentimentalists, +like the Rubaiyat, but, when it shall be known, it will divide +honors with the now universally popular Persian poem. Burton's +"Kasidah" is miserably printed in his "Life," but Mr. Thomas +Mosher, of Portland, Maine, has issued it in beautiful and chaste +form, for the edification of his clientele of searchers for the +literature that is always almost, but never quite completely +forgotten. The "Kasidah" was written in 1853, and it is, in its +opening, much like Fitz Gerald's Rubaiyat, though Burton never +saw that gem of philosophy and song, until eight years after. +"The Kasidah" was not printed until 1880. It is difficult to +interpret, because it so clearly interprets itself. It must be +read. It cannot be "explained." + +The Kasidah consists of about 300 couplets of remarkable vigor in +condensation. It reviews all the explanations of "the sorry +scheme of things" that man has contrived, and it holds forth the +writer's own view. He maintains that happiness and misery are +equally divided, and distributed in this world. Self cultivation +is, in his view, the sole sufficient object of human life, with +due regard for others. The affections, the sympathies, and "the +divine gift of Pity" are man's highest enjoyments. He advocates +suspension of judgment, with a proper suspicion of "Facts, the +idlest of superstitions." This is pure agnosticism. There runs +all through the poem a sad note that heightens the courage with +which the writer faces his own bleak conclusion, and, "the +tinkling of the camel bell" is heard faint and far in the surge +of his investive, or below the deepest deep of his despair. In +Arabia, Death rides a camel, instead of a white horse, as our +occidental myth has it, and the camel's bell is the music to +which all life is attuned. Burton reverts from time to time to +this terrifying tintinnabulation, but he blends it with the +suggested glamour of evening, until the terror merges into +tenderness. The recurrence of this minor chord, in the savage +sweep of Burton's protest against the irony of existence, is a +fascination that the "Kasidah" has in common with every great +poem of the world. The materialism of the book is peculiar in +that it is Oriental, and Orientalism is peculiarly mystical. The +verse is blunt, and almost coarse in places, but here and there +are gentler touches, softer tones, that search out the sorrow at +the heart of things. It is worthy, in its power, of the praise of +Browning, Swinburne, Theodore Watts, Gerald Massey. It is Edward +Fitz Gerald minus the vine and the rose, and ali Persian +silkiness. The problem he sets out to solve, and he solves it by +a petitio principii, is + + Why must we meet, why must we part, why must we bear this yoke +of Must, +Without our leave or ask or given, by tyrant Fate on victim +thrust? + + The impermanence of things oppresses him, for he says in an +adieu, + + . . . Haply some day we meet again; Yet ne'er the self-same man +shall meet; the years shall make us other men. + + He crams into one couplet after another, philosophy after +philosophy, creed after creed, Stoic, Epicurean, Hebraic, +Persian, Christian, and puts his finger on the flaw in them all. +Man comes to life as to "the Feast unbid," and finds "the +gorgeous table spread with fair-seeming Sodom-fruit, with stones +that bear the shape of bread." + +There is an echo of Koleleth in his contempt for the divinity of +the body. It is unclean without, impure within. The vanity of +vanity is proclaimed with piteous indignation. + + "And still the weaver plies his loom, whose warp and woof is +wretched Man, +Weaving the unpattern'd, dark design, so dark we doubt it owns a +plan. + Dost not, O Maker, blush to hear, amid the storm of tears and +blood, + Man say thy mercy made what is, and saw the made and said 'twas +good?" + + And then he sings: + + Cease Man to mourn, to weep, to wail; enjoy the shining hour of +sun; + We dance along Death's icy brink, but is the dance less full of +fun? + + In sweeping away the old philosophies and religions, he is at +his best as a scorner, but he has "the scorn of scorn" and some +of "the love of love" which, Tennyson declares, is the poet's +dower. His lament for the Greek paganism runs: + + And when at length, "Great Pan is dead" uprose the loud and +dolorous cry, + A glamour wither'd on the ground, a splendor faded in the sky. +Yes, Pan is dead, the Nazarene came and seized his seat beneath +the sun, +The votary of the Riddle-god, whose one is three, whose three is +one. . . . + + +Then the lank Arab, foul with sweat, the drainer of the camel's +dug, +Gorged with his leek-green, lizard's meat, clad in his filmy rag +and rug, +Bore his fierce Allah o'er his sands +Where, he asks, are all the creeds and crowns and scepters, "the +holy grail of high Jamshid?" + Gone, gone where I and thou must go, borne by the winnowing +wings of Death, + The Horror brooding over life, and nearer brought with every +breath. + Their fame hath filled the Seven Climes, they rose and reigned, +they fought and fell, + As swells and swoons across the wold the tinkling of the camel's +bell. + +For him "there is no good, there is no bad; these be the whims of +mortal will." They change with place, they shift with race. "Each +Vice has borne a Virtue's crown, all Good was banned as Sin or +Crime." He takes up the history of the world, as we reconstruct +it for the period before history, from geology, astronomy and +other sciences. He accepts the murderousness of all processes of +life and change. All the cruelty of things + +"Builds up a world for better use; to general Good bends special +Ill." +And thus the race of Being runs, till haply in the time to be +Earth shifts her pole and Mushtari-men another falling star shall +see: +Shall see it fall and fade from sight, whence come, where gone, +no Thought can tell,-- +Drink of yon mirage-stream and chase the tinkling of the +camel-bell. +Yet follow not the unwisdom path, cleave not to this and that +disclaim; +Believe in all that man believes; here all and naught are both +the same. +Enough to think that Truth can be; come sit me where the roses +glow, +Indeed he knows not how to know who knows not also + how to unknow. + +He denies the Soul and wants to know where it was when Man was a +savage beast in Primeval forests, what shape it had, what +dwelling place, what part in nature's plan it played. "What men +are pleased to call the Soul was in the hog and dog begun." + + Life is a ladder infinite-stepped that hides its rungs from +human eyes: + Planted its foot in chaos-gloom, its head soars high above the +skies. + + The evolution theory he applies to the development of reason +from instinct. He protests against the revulsion from materialism +by saying that "the sordider the stuff, the cunninger the +workman's hand," and therefore the Maker may have made the world +from matter. He maintains that "the hands of Destiny ever deal, +in fixed and equal parts their shares of joy and sorrow, woe and +weal" to all that breathe our upper air. The problem of +predestination he holds in scorn. The unequality of life exists +and "that settles it" for him. He accepts one bowl with scant +delight but he says "who drains the score must ne'er expect to +rue the headache in the morn." Disputing about creeds is +"mumbling rotten bones." His creed is this: + + Do what thy manhood bids thee do, from none but self expect +applause: + He noblest lives and noblest dies who makes and keeps his +self-made laws. + All other Life is living Death, a world where none but Phanton's +dwell, + A breath, a wind, a soul, a voice, a tinkling of the Camel's +bell. + + He appreciates to the full the hedonism of Omar but he casts it +aside as emptiness. He tried the religion of pleasure and beauty. +His rules of life are many and first is "eternal war with +Ignorance." He says: "Thine ignorance of thine ignorance is thy +fiercest foe, thy deadliest bane. The Atom must fight the unequal +fray against a myriad giants. The end is to "learn the noblest +lore, to know that all we know is naught." Self-approval is +enough reward. The whole duty of man is to himself, but he must +"hold Humanity one man" and, looking back at what he was, +determine not to be again that thing. "Abjure the Why and seek +the How." The gods are silent. The indivisible puny Now in the +length of infinite time is Man's all to make the best of. The Law +may have a Giver but let be, let be! + + Thus I may find a future life, a nobler copy of our own, Where +every riddle shall be ree'd, where every knowledge shall be +known; + Where 'twill be man's to see the whole of what on earth he sees +a part; + Where change shall ne'er surcharge the thought; nor hope +deferred shall hurt the heart. + But--faded flower and fallen leaf no more shall deck the parent +tree; + A man once dropt by Tree of Life, what hope of other life has +he? + The shattered bowl shall know repair; the riven lute shall sound +once more; + But who shall mend the clay of man, the stolen breath to man +restore? + The shivered clock again shall strike, the broken reed + shall pipe again; + But we, we die and Death is one, the doom of brutes, the doom of +men. + Then, if Nirvana round our life with nothingness, 'tis haply +blest; + Thy toils and troubles, want and woe at length have won + their guerdon--Rest. + Cease, Abou, cease! My song is sung, nor think the gain the +singer's prize + Till men hold Ignorance deadly sin till Man deserves his title, +"Wise." + In days to come, Days slow to dawn, when Wisdom deigns to dwell +with men, + These echoes of a voice long stilled haply shall wake responsive +strain: + Wend now thy way with brow serene, fear not thy humble tale to +tell-- + The whispers of the Desert wind: the tinkling of the Camel's +bell. + + So ends the song. The notes appended thereto by Burton are a +demonstration of his learning and his polemic power. The poem is +his life of quest, of struggle, of disappointment coined into +song more or less savage. It seems to me that he overlooked one +thing near to him that would have lighted the darkness of his +view, while looking To Reason for balm for the wounds of +existence. He ignored his wife's love which, silly and absurd as +it seems at times, in the records she has left us, is a sweeter +poem than this potent plaint and protest he has left us. He +explored all lands but the one in which he lived +unconsciously--the Land of Tenderness. This is the pity of his +life and it is also its indignity. He was crueler than "the +Cruelty of Things." He "threw away a pearl richer than all his +tribe"--a woman's heart. But--how we argue in a circle!--that he, +with his fine vision could not see this, is perhaps, a +justification of his poem's bitterness. Even her service went for +naught, seeing it brought no return of love from its object. + +Burton was a great man, though a failure. His wife's life was one +continuous act of love for him that he ignores and her life was a +failure, too, since she never succeeded in making the world +worship him as she did. Still "the failures of some the +infinities beyond the successes of others" and all success is +failure in the end. Still again, it is better to have loved in +vain than never to have loved at all, and fine and bold and brave +as was Richard Francis Burton, his wife, with her "strong power +called weakness," was the greater of the two. She wrote no +"Kasidah" of complaint, but suffered and was strong. St. Louis, +August 16th, 1897. + + +* * * +MARRIAGE AND MISERY. + +BY ETHELYN LESLIE HUSTON. + +Charles Goodwin, editor Salt Lake Tribune, puts into the mouth of +a figurative John Bull, who is lecturing his children, the +following sentence: + + "Why, ours is an old family. One of our ancestors was knighted +by Henry VII for stealing cattle from the Scotch some time in the +fifteenth century. I am tracing up the lineage, and I believe we +are all barons. I expect to get the title confirmed, and then +each one of you boys must sell himself to a beautiful American +girl for from 75,000 to 250,000 pounds. Under the rose, it will +help the stock damnably, for your mother was a barmaid. Things +are working all right, my lads. Our conquest of the United States +still goes on." + +Apropos of a snub given the Prince of Wales by an American girl, +Lillian Russell--even our much-married Lillian--raises her voice +in protest at international marriages, and incidentally American +snobbery. + +What is marriage? as we see it. The veneered vulgarity of the +international marriage goes on merrily notwithstanding public +opinion freely expressed. We bury the individuality and +personality of our daughters and give them as so much chatel to +the physically and financially anaemic nobility across the water, +to infuse into its diseased and impoverished veins pure blood and +into its depleted exchequer pure gold. And this we call marriage. +The weak-minded chattel and fatuous mother should be promptly +chloroformed without benefit of clergy. But they are instead +solemnly consecrated by their clergy, their church and their +Fifth Avenue Christ. + +And yet, to go back to first principles, is it not that the time +are out of joint, and the America herself is responsible for her +daughters' shame? America has blinded her eyes with avarice and +glutted her brain with greed. She has starved her intellect and +gorged her ambition. She has bartered her birthright of nobility +and sold her soul to crawling sycophants. She has prostituted her +sceptre of power to trusts for tinsel and cowers under the lash +of corporations because they bind her brow with a cap of bells +that tinkle an empty song of "Freedom." In the mad rush for gain, +America has forgotten its greatness, and in their blind struggle +for gold Americans forget what is grand. We have sold our freedom +to Britain, we have sold our pride, our individuality, our +independence, our self-respect, our power, our dignity and our +daughters. + +The gods have given us brains to make of our country a brawny +one, and we have used our talent to corrupt what was once +equality into the unequal factions of power and poverty. The gods +have given us genius to soften the crudities of the early century +and to brighten our homes and our lives, and instead the +inventions and the creations but serve to gild the mansions of +the monopolist and to gird the iron more tightly on the wrist of +the toiler. We are avaricious, we are vulgar, and we are base. We +have lost the dignity of Nature that gave to a fragile lily a +royalty before which Solomon's grandeur paled. We have piled +stone and brick where the forest oak towered, and voice our +strident city cries where the imperious roar of the forest king +once startled the echoes. We have turned the oil and filth of our +refineries into the streams that once crept purling and laughing +through the wild-flowers and grasses, and the black smoke of our +factories has silenced the plaintive note of the thrush and +strangled the wondrous song of the nightingale. Our grandeur is +ostentation and our dignity a dead-letter. The greatness that +once longed for new worlds to conquer has degenerated into +yellow-fingered grasping for ginger-bread display. The powerful +figure of the pioneer could swing its mighty as into the forest +root, but in the rythm of labor there was time to pause and rest +and listen where "soft music ripples along shore, as the lake +breathes." In the stillness Nature's god speaks, and in the +patient face of the woman, shading her eyes where she watches him +from the cabin door, is sweeter and nobler dreaming than ever +finds resting place in the sharpened and querulous features of +our modern rushed society woman. + +In English homes are the friendships of generations and beneath +their spreading trees their lives epitomise the lotus eater's +religion--"There is no joy but calm." Our women know neither the +one nor the other. Our social creed and dogma know nothing of +friendship, and calm to them is as Greek papyri in a +kindergarten. Thus have we grown avaricious and vulgar and in +their weariness of things as they are, have our women grown base. +They know that their lives miss something, they know that their +fierce rivalry and feverish straining for precedence bring them +no nearer the Mecca that closes its austere gates to their aching +eyes. And for the dignity and pride their lives have lacked, they +give their fortunes and sell their bodies and exchange, for a +title, the name of which they have grown ashamed. They perhaps +shrink, in physical repulsion, from the man who they feel +despises while he endures them. They perhaps hunger, with all the +woman- nature their pitiful lives have left them, for other lips +murmuring in slumber beside them. But over their burning eyes +they press the metal circle for which they have crushed their +hearts and outraged their sex, and around the delicate limbs they +draw the ermines that cannot hide their shame, and in all their +poor, empty glory they only read in the cold eyes of the +patrician women around them the chill contempt that stamps them +as among, but not of their order. "I sometimes think it wisest +not to think," and this warped and twisted human nature has a +pathos in all its chasing after a gilded butterfly that has +always a grinning skull peering through the gold of its wings. +The hunger that finds but Apples of Sodom, the life-labor that +wins but the gold of Midas, the ambition that crushes its toy +baloon--"and man plods his way through thorns to ashes." + +America freed her blacks but rests her social aegis on barter far +more hideous. Optimists prate of the world growing better, with +their eyes on the mountain tops, but when one reads of frail Lais +fined ten dollars in the court- room for earning her daily bread +in the only manner possible to a nature in which sin has been +bred in the bone by generations of ancestors, and then pictures +Dr. Brown of exclusive St. Thomas', New York, murmuring +"Benedicite!" over an international marriage ceremony, his +handsome face and melodious voice and aristocratic bearing doing +full justice to the grandeur of the occasion--it is a contrast in +which there is a bitter humor, a farce in which there is +something horrible, a comedy that smells of the charnel house. + +Is there plan and purpose in all the meaningless mystery and +misery? Is "heaven but the vision of fulfilled desire, hell the +shadow of a soul on fire?" And are we both? Are we improving? +Look on life within its gates. Are we retrograding? Strip the +curtains from the hearts of men and women. And marriage, the +great pivot upon which swings life itself, what is it? Is it +covenant with deity, or contract with the devil? Boise, Ida., +October 1. + +* * * +SALMAGUNDI. + +My attention has been several times called by the citizens of +Nevada, Ia., to a series of articles appearing in a little +boiler-plate paper published at that place by an old plug named +Payne and his idiot son. The articles purport to have been +written by one G. W. Bailey, from West Point, Columbus, McComb, +Magnolia, and other places in Mississippi, and are the most +brutally slanderous of the South and the Southern people of +anything yet put in print. As the writer is too grossly ignorant +and hopelesly imbecile to concoct a falsehood to deceive a +diapered pickaninny, I should pay no attention to his screeds, +but for the indignant protests of the Iowa people. One gentleman +sends me some excerpts from the articles and says: "Do not +imagine us big enough fools to be deceived by this lying +scoundrel. He would, if necessary to get his name in print, +defame his own parents. Bailey is an intellectual bawd with an +abnormal itch for notoriety. The paper in which his screeds +appear has a very limited circulation. I have never detected +anybody in the crime of reading it, hence it can do no harm. I +was in the federal army and know something about the South. I +learned it at Pittsburg Landing. Some mischief-making, +blatherskites ought to have their d----d tongues cut out." +Another gentleman writes from Iowa: "It seems that this fellow +Bailey once got a small Federal appointment to some place in +China. He remained their long enough to pick up a few curios, +contract the opium habit and the name of 'Tankkee.' He returned +and began lecturing on China, but the dope was too much for his +little encephalon. He took the Keeley cure for the opium habit, +but he's as great a liar as ever. You know what Macaulay says +about Bertrand Barere? Well, this fellow can outlie the 'Witling +of Terror' and not half try. I think if he should accidentally +tell the truth about anything he'd drop dead. + +Now for Christ's sake don't judge Iowa people by this peripatetic +Ananias. Where he was born I don't know; neither do I care a +d--n; but I suspect that he was begotten in some back yard during +the dark of the moon, spawned in a dry goods box and raised on +bones." So Bailey is "Tank-Kee." If I mistake not there was a +Tank-kee trotting around Texas some years ago beating +school-children of the small towns out of their pennies by +dressing like a Chinese joss with a double-barrelled jag and +exhibiting a lot of old junk. It is my impression that he's a +half-breed of some kind, but whether half Chinese or coon I +cannot with certainty say. If he is hacking around from town to +town in Mississippi he is doubtless working a fake of some +kind-swindling the people while defaming them. If the +Mississippians can locate G. W. Bailey they had best hold him and +wire me for copies of his articles in my possession. One thing is +cock-sure--"Tank-kee" had best keep out of Texas. + + . . . + +The suspicion is growing that Dr. Gutieras, the government +expert, has a pint of yellow fever baccilli in his cerebrum. He +carries the plague with him, just as a man suffering with mania a +potu carries his cargo of monkeys. Had he been called to see +Simon's wife's mother, he would have declared that she had a case +of Yellow Jack and spread a panic through all Judea. Should he +find a man suffering with katzenjammer he would pronounce him a +"suspect." As Barney Gibbs says, all the yellow fever patients +Gutieras discovered during his tour of South Texas were up +"hunting either a drink or a job" ere this peripatetic expert was +well out of town. I'll gamble four dollars that there is not in +the United States to-day a genuine case of Yellow Jack. There's +every indication that the cases at Mobile, New Orleans and Biloxi +are identical with the disease discovered by Gutieras at +Galveston--nothing under heaven but the dengue. Who the devil +ever heard of the mortality in a yellow fever epidemic averaging +only about 6 per cent.? Why la grippe will beat that as an +angel-maker and beat it blind. When good old- fashioned yellow +fever reaches for people they begin to sing "Heaven is my home," +I'd rather have the "plague" now rioting in New Orleans than to +contract the buck ague or the itch. These "experts" make my soul +aweary. An insanity expert thinks everybody crazy but himself, +while a yellow fever expert would isolate a case o' cucumber +colic. What the South needs to do is to quarantine against these +special doctors. + +A few American newspapers and magazines of the genus mugwump, +enemies of Cuban liberty and apologists for the Weylerian +butcheries and brutalities, are now busily engaged in belittling +those who enabled Senorita Cisneros to escape from her captors, +are heaping their feculence upon Mesdames Jefferson Davis, Jno. +A. Logan and the other "old women" who had the temerity to appeal +to the Spanish Queen Regent in behalf of the young heroine--are +even repeating the stale lies of Weyler's understrappers +reflecting upon her chastity. What brave American journalists! +How proud of such sons Columbia should be! It is quite possible +the New York Journal undertook the young lady's rescue for +advertising purposes only; but just the same, she is on American +soil, and she can well afford to ignore the petty malice of +emasculated mugwump editors, knowing as she must, that the +chivalry of this country is with her to the last man. I do not +believe the statement of the Spanish official whom Senorita +Cisneros accused of insulting her, and who retorted that she had +thrown herself at his head. A gentleman could not make such an +assertion even though it were true, for a woman's illicit favors +set upon the lips of the recipient the seal of eternal silence. +The defamer of Senorita Cisneros is but another Don Matthias de +Silvae of Le Sage. . . . + +The coon seems to be forging rapidly to the front in some +portions of this country. On October 2, Mrs. W. E. D. Stokes, a +wealthy white woman and owner of one of the largest stock farms +in Kentucky, gave a ball and banquet near Lexington to 300 +colored people and filled 'em full of beer. Whether Mrs. Stokes +danced with the bucks the dispatches do not state. . . . + +My attention has been several times called to one W. D. McKinstry +of Watertown, N. Y., by people of that place. They plead with me +that he is really spoiling for a "roast." McKinstry is publishing +a little paper which somewhat resembles an over-ripe dish-rag, or +an unlaundered sheet from the bed of a colored baby; but I have +no idea why he is so unpopular. It may be because he possesses +the physique of a bull elephant and the brains of a doodle-bug. +It may be that the appearance of such an animal outside a dime +museum, or a pig sty, angers the people. I can see nothing in his +editorials at which to take offense. Reading them were like +drinking the froth out of a pop-bottle or filling one's belly +with the east wind. McKinstry is trying to settle the "negro +problem" for the South; but that has so long been a favorite +occupation of Smart Alec editors who never saw a cotton patch +that no one minds it any more. Waco has the coon and Watertown +has McKinstry, hence it is in order for the two towns to mingle +their tears instead of animadverting each upon the other's +misfortune. If I might advise the mighty McKinstry I would +suggest that he change his occupation. As an editor he is a +dismal failure, but he would be a dazzling success as ballast for +a canal boat. . . . + +A correspondent notes that the New York World devotes two +illustrated pages to the Vanderbilt-Marlborough brat, and wants +to know what I think about it? Why, I think that old Josef +Phewlitzer has succeeded in elongating the Vanderbilt leg. No +editor ever publishes such tommyrot unless paid therefor, because +he knows that no sane person will read it. It was an +advertisement, ordered and paid for by somebody, probably +Consuelo's rather gay mother, who, albeit divorced from her first +husband for cause, has the distinguished honor to be gran'dam to +an incipient duke, who will probably grow up to be as utterly +worthless as his daddy. . . . + +Jno. H. Holmes, editor of the Boston Herald, writing on the "New +Journalism." says: "Huge circulation is extremely profitable. It +produced revenue from the sale of the paper, and a still greater +revenue from the volume of advertising." In other words, the +average "great daily" is simply a mercenary advertising graft. It +may "produce revenue," but seldom profit from circulation, for +the price to agents is frequently below the cost of white paper +and expressage. The subscription price is usually placed below +the profit line, and extra inducements offered in the way of +"premiums." Somehow, a circulation, bona fide or fake, must be +worked up as an excuse for elongating the business man's leg. And +he is a "dead easy mark." The yap who purchases checks of +strangers and bets on monte is no more gullible than the average +victim of the advertising grafter. A sucker is said to be born +every minute; and strange to say, most of them are produced in +the cities. The business man who makes an advertising contract +without investigating the circulation claims of the publisher, +would invest in confederate bonds or buy gold bricks. If he +suffered the loss it would not much matter--would be simply +another case of the fool and his money soon parted; but it is +shifted to the consumer. The people must pay the merchant's +advertising bills, just as they pay his rent and insurance; and +the amount of which they are annually fleeced to pay for what has +no actual existence, would meet all expenses of government and +leave a tremendous surplus in the treasury. This nation wastes +annually for worthless fake advertising more than it pays for +education. . . . + +A Galveston traveling man writes me as follows: + + "I have been for two years past gathering up scraps of your +history, and now have the honor to advise you that according to +the testimony of many very pious people, among whom are not a few +preachers, you are an avowed anarchist who was suspected of being +concerned in the Haymarket massacre; that you served two terms in +the penitentiary before you were born; that you are a renegade +Jew and an Italian Jesuit, that for 30 years you were a Baptist +preacher, but were bounced out of the ministry for drunkenness +and immorality; that you have been a blasphemous Atheist from +your youth up; that you deserted from the federal army in the +same year that you were four years old; that you have been +discharged from all the Texas dailies for incompetency, and are +the author of editorials in the Chicago Inter-Ocean slandering +the South; that you are a big over-grown bully who abuses weaker +people, and a miserable little poltroon who has been kicked by +every cripple between New York and Denver. All this is doubtless +correct as far as it goes; now will you please inform me whether +you have been guilty of anything else?" + + This is a fairly correct list of my crimes thus far; but being +still a young man, I may reasonably hope to add to it +considerably if not shut off by the sheriff. The greatest +drawback to my career as a criminal is my inability to lie so +consistently as some of my dear brethren in Christ. . . . + +The ICONOCLAST'S recent comments on Dean Hart of Denver, provoked +the following poetic outburst on the part of a singer of that +city: + + Do you mind him as he walks the street, + The Dean? + With his highly elevated nose, + The Dean. + And his old imported hat + And his time worn black cravat, + Any one could tell that + He's the Dean. + + He is "furnist" this country, + Is the Dean, + "It's nothing like old Hingland," + Says the Dean. + In language somewhat torrid, + With a countenance quite florid, + He says our schools are "orrid," + Does the Dean. + + To many it's a mystery why + The Dean + Doesn't leave us and for England hie away; + No doubt he can explain it, + In England he's not "in it," + But in this "blooming" country + He's a Dean. . . . + +All the sycophantic little sassiety sheets are now engaged in the +delectable task of belittling Miss Edna Whitney, selected by +Chillicothe, Mo., as maid of honor to the Kween of the Kansas +City Karnival, but objected to by the snob management on the +ground that she was a working girl. The sheets aforesaid have +discovered that since that event brought her into public notice +Miss Whitney has accepted $500 from a cigarette firm for the use +of her photo, and are now industriously arguing that a young +woman who will permit her portrait to be so employed is not a +proper person to be brought for a moment into contract with the +eminently respectable sassietyest. Rats! ditto rodents. The +Karnival was not a "social function," but a commercial scheme +gotten up by the merchants of Kansas City to draw trade to that +enterprising town. It was a blowout for everybody; the world was +invited--the gates thrown open to the Canary in his Canaryism as +well as to Sir Alymer in his Alymerism. Lady Vere de Vere and the +chambermaid in the dollar-a-day hotel were alike invited to make +themselves at home, enjoy the show and spend their siller. +Unfortunately, the management of the affair was committed to an +incorrigible snob, and he decided that a young lady who earned +her own living was not a fit theatrical associate for the +patrician daughters of successful soap-boilers and pork-packers, +thereby offering an unforgettable and unforgivable affront to all +the legions of labor. I do not approve of Miss Whitney's sale of +her photo to a cigarette firm; but I do say that the act is +infinitely more excusable than the practice among high-fly +society women of paying for the publication of decollete +portraits and sickening "write-ups" of themselves. Miss Whitney +is poor and, I am told, supports a widowed mother. To a girl so +situated $500 is a great sum. She could scarce be expected to +have the fine aesthetic feelings of a highly educated woman +reared in the lap of luxury. Her portrait had already been hawked +about in the daily papers,--like those of the swell society +set--and, like the latter, freely commented upon by bummers and +bawds. She has the excuse of necessity for the sale of her +picture, while her sisters in society are driven solely by a +prurient itch for notoriety to exploit themselves in the public +prints. It does not necessarily follow, as the sassiety sheets +would have us believe, that every woman is unchaste whose +portrait is found in a cigarette package--I have seen Queen +Victoria's, Mrs. Cleveland's and the Princess of Wales' in the +same place. These pitiful sheets, which are belittling Miss +Whitney to ingratiate themselves with the snobocracy of Kansas +City, are entirely destitute of shame. Their editors are, in most +instances, a cross between Jeames de la Pluche and Caliban. Their +presence at "social functions" is tolerated for the same reason +that nigger waiters are admitted. They are used by the parvenues +and heartily despised by the very people whom they so +obsequiously serve. . . . + +MR. BRANN: You state in a recent issue of the ICONOCLAST that +McKinley's popular plurality "represents the votes of niggers and +the scavangers of Europe's back alleys." I denounce that +statement as a falsehood. The votes of native-born Americans +elected Mr. McKinley. AMERICUS. Waco, Texas, September 10. + +My correspondent is indeed "A Merry Kuss" else he could find no +pleasure in calling a man a liar in an anonymous letter. To call +that creature a cur who flings an insult which he fears to +father, were a damning libel on every decent dog in Christendom. +My correspondent is probably a mongrel cross between a male hyena +and a gila monster, begotten in a nigger grave-yard, suckled by a +sow and educated by an idiot. But, perhaps, being familiar with +his own birth and breeding he will consider this a compliment. +McKinley coralled more than 90 per cent. of the nigger vote and +carried every state in which foreign-born people exceeds 21 per +cent. of the entire population. He received his largest +majorities in Illinois, Wisconsin, Michigan, North Dakota, +Minnesota, California, Massachusetts, New York and New Jersey, +one-third of whose people, collectively considered, are of +foreign birth; his smallest majorities in Kentucky, Indiana, West +Virginia and Maryland, where those of foreign birth amount to +about 8 per cent. of the entire population. Virginia, North and +South Carolina, Georgia, Florida, Mississippi, Arkansas, Texas, +Missouri, Kansas constituted Bryan's strongholds and their people +collectively considered, show a foreign birth of less than 5 per +cent. Colorado is the only state having a considerable foreign- +birth population that stands in the Democratic columns, all the +others having gone for McKinley. While it is true that thousands +of our foreign-born citizens are intelligent, honest and +patriotic--a credit to the land of their adoption--it is likewise +true that following in their wake we find Huns, Pollocks, +Sicillians, "Souwegian" and other undesirable offscourings of the +old world, imported by Mark Hanna and other "industrial +cannibals" to degrade our labor and debauch our politics. It is +the vote of this latter class, and the scarcely less corrupt and +ignorant "coons" which constitute McKinley's popular plurality. +McKinley was the candidate of the assisted immigrant and the +Ethiopian, Bryan of the native-born Americans; and I submit it to +a candid world which of these two parties was likely to have the +good of this country most at heart, or know best how to promote +it. . . . + +I am obliged to my friends for divers and surdry scraps of +information regarding the cur-ristian trustee of Baylor who led +the last assault upon me in the name of a long-suffering Savior. +It would make interesting reading for Waco Baptists no doubt, but +I can put these columns to better use than rehashing ancient +history. Those who are anxious to learn what kind of an animal +this member of Baylor's board of managers actually is, are +referred to the Galveston News of July 26th, 1883. Any one can +secure access to the files of that paper for the asking. I cannot +afford to "damn to everlasting fame" every backwoods hypocrite +who raises a howl. The ICONOCLAST leaves such cattle to the bill +collectors. . . . + +I would like to have a flash-light photo of W. S. Densickr of +Lebanon, Ind. Ter., not for publication, but to add to my private +gallery of hypocritical rogues. Densickr wants to build a temple +of pure gold twelve miles square and 60,000 high for some +backwoods congregation, but of what denomination he has evidently +not yet discovered. He insists, however, that the Redeemer +demands such a temple, and that the general public should be +forthcoming with the necessary cash. He is working what he calls +a "church chain"--all for Christ. He writes you a letter asking +you to contribute 5 cents to the cause and thereby obtain the +blessing of God. He requests also that you send an exact copy of +his letter to three of your friends whom you deem most likely to +invest their small change in heavenly grace. The "chain" of +letters runs from 1 to 100, and a Cleburne gentleman who was +"touched" figures it out that the 25th No. means more than 282 +billion letters and more than 21 millions of money if every +sucker bites at the bait. If the "chain" doesn't break before the +100th number is played it will corral all the wealth of this +world. Mr. Densickr hath a great head. He's a church financier +for your galways. Still I opine that the man who complies with +his apparently modest request is one large piebald ass who ought +to be saddled, bridled and ridden around the block, then turned +loose to do the Nebuchadnezzer act. + + +THE GOO-GOOS AND TAMMANY'S TIGER. + +BY H. S. CANFIELD. + +For the giant spoils of Greater New York three contestants are in +the field. They are the regular Republican organization, Tammany +and the "Citizens' Union." The regular Republican organization is +headed by United States Senator Thomas C. Platt, and its active, +or rather its most visible manager, is ex-Representative Lemuel +Eli Quigg. Tammany still has John Croker for its boss, although +John C. Shenan is its official head. The "Citizens' Union" is +composed of the truly good and every man is its chief. It has for +its candidate Seth Low, president of Columbia University. + +This organization is one of the results of a long continued era +of official corruption that has no parallel in modern municipal +history. Until times quite recent Tammany has had things all its +own way in the Eastern metropolis. The extent of corruption was +not suspected until the Lexow investigating committee brought it +to light. It is certain that not even the committee itself +conceived the vastness of the system of thuggery and blackmail. +Having begun its labors, evidence poured in upon it in a +constantly increasing stream. It could do no less than go ahead. +Its prosecuting attorney, John C. Goff, who not so many years ago +was a counter jumper in a big New York store, and is now the city +recorder at a salary of $12,000 a year and perquisites, woke to +find himself famous. The Lexow committee was indirectly a result +of the Parkhurst crusade and the Parkhurst crusade was made +necessary by an unheard of state of public immorality. Of +Parkhurst and Lexow the "Citizens' Union" is the child and more +than the child. It stands for purity in politics and the rights +of the honest citizen. It objects to high salaries and little +work. It desires economy in public places. It wants each vote +counted once and only once. It believes in the civil service. It +swears by Teddy Roosevelt. It thinks that the workingman is able +to judge for himself. It does not think that the world is +governed enough. It is certain that it has in its ranks young men +of vigor and intellect who would draw salary and serve the public +in a manner hitherto never approached. It boasts that it is "the +better element." It does not know the alphabet of politics. It is +virtuously theoretical and practically impotent. It cannot be +brought to understand that successful politics demands a +"machine." Each of its individual members is a boss. They have +been derisively termed "goo-goos," which is a contraction of +"goody-goods." They are youthful, sanguine, patriotic, +impertinent, impractical and self-sufficient. Their idea of +conducting a campaign is nebulous. They believe that a number of +voluble young men, clad irreproachably in evening dress and +touring the city in carts after nightfall, stopping on corners +and haranguing the multitude, cannot fail to command success. +They have a large campaign fund, which will go to the printing of +esoteric literature and the hire of carts. There is good in them +and any amount of energy. Recognizing this, the leader of the +regular Republican organization asked them for a conference. They +bouncingly refused. It was explained to them that the best effort +of every honest man in Greater New York was needed to defeat +Tammany and that a divided front meant defeat, but they would +have none of it. "Come into our camp," they said, and be soldiers +under us. Accept our commands. Do as we say, work as we direct, +spend as we decide, or go to the devil." This being so, the +veterans of the regular Republicans, men who have fought through +dozens of campaigns and know the meaning both of victory and +defeat, naturally decided to go to the devil. + +Mr. Low, the candidate of the "Citizens' Union," is a good man. +He is a kind man. He is a gentleman and a scholar. He is an +educator. Columbia University loves him. All through the campaign +its students will give their college yell for him with vigor and +much satisfaction to themselves. He has friends who believe in +the massive strength of their own influence. But it is to be +feared that he will be butchered to make a tiger's holiday. His +personal characteristics are all that they should be. His morals +could not be improved, but he will know more in November than he +knows now. It is to be doubted that the New York voter will rush +to the polls and plump ballots for him with the frenzied +enthusiasm of which he has been told. The New York voter is a low +animal at best, much lower than the Chicago voter, and he +enthuses only when filled with beef and beer. Tammany understands +him. Thomas C. Platt understands him. Tammany and Thomas C. Platt +are not saying a word. They are sitting still and watching the +inception of the meteoric canvass of Low. + +Integrally the "Citizens' Union" is all right. The trouble lies +in the fact that it believes that no good men can come out of +Nazareth. There is but one right way, and it has that way. It is +purse-proud, bull-headed and inexperienced. It will hold daily +conferences with Mr. Low. It will fill him with vain hopes and +longings and it will send out the young men on the carts. Also it +will publish essays on the dignity of the American ballot. These +essays will be written by its own scribes, who will joy to see +themselves in print, and they will be scattered broadcast through +the city. They will serve to wrap up butter pats and as tails to +small boys kites. They will not be read, of course, for who, in +the hurly-burly of a city campaign, has time or inclination to +read tracts? + +The Citizens' Union will not make a house-to-house canvass; it +will not make and keep a record of the name, business and +preference of every voter; it will not have trained proselyters +at work; it will not organize clubs; it will not descend to the +brutish level of the torchlight procession; it will not employ +the agonizing brass bands; it will not send out men on election +day whose business it is to see that every voter gets to the +polls at least once, and more times if necessary. + +The regular Republican organization ought to win, but it entered +the contest heavily handicapped. If the tiger of Tammany again +inserts a paw into the public treasury and converts the humblest +office into a reward for rascality, the responsibility will rest +directly upon the "Citizens' Union"--whose self constituted +mission is to purify politics and elevate the ballot box. + +The success of Tammany would be deplorable--calamitous. It would +mean the restoration of the old era of trickery, jobbery and +blackmail in a richer and wider area. But, owing to the split +among those who ought to know better, it has never in its history +had a better opportunity, nor has it ever fought for so grand a +prize. "Greater New York" is composed of the original city, +Brooklyn, which by the census of 1890 contained more than 900,000 +people, several Long Island towns, suburban to Brooklyn, and a +large part of Westchester county, lying north of the city proper. +The total population will approach 4,000,000. The taxable wealth +is enormous. The number of salaried place holders is close to +25,000. The salary list that is disbursed monthly runs far into +the millions. Once in possession of this enormous power, Tammany +would build up a machine to pale the records made by the +administration of Boss Tweed. There was never any reason for the +formation of "Greater New York" other than the fear that Chicago +would oustrip the old town in the race for pre-eminence among +American cities. There were grave reasons against it, chief among +them being the acquisition of an enormous debt and the affording +of an opportunity for plunder at the hands of the organization +that now threatens. It is certain that the citizens of older New +York have carried their pigs to a bad market. If history teaches +anything, they will live to regret that they allowed urban pride +to run away with common sense. + +The methods of Tammany are well known. It is preeminently the +American representative and practitioner of the low and effective +in politics. It is the oldest and most powerful political society +this country has ever known, and possibly ever will know. It is +twofold. There is the Tammany general committee, to which any +citizen of the city who is a Democrat, may belong. It numbers +some 100,000 members. There is a wheel within a wheel, called the +Society of Tammany. This is a secret concern, whose lodge-room is +in the hall on Fourteenth street, near Third avenue. All of the +leading Tammanyites belong to it. From its ranks the executive +committee is chosen. It keeps the rolls and the records, makes +the assessments, appoints the captains of the various election +precincts, holds them responsible for the discipline of their +men, rewards faithful service and punishes treachery. The society +makes no special pretensions to purity. Its motto is to the +victors belong the spoils. While Democratic in politics and of +large influence in the national councils of the Democracy, it has +never hesitated to sacrifice a national candidate for local gain. +It is of and for New York City first, last and all the time. +Occasionally it is loyal to a presidential candidate, but more +often it is disloyal. Trades are always possible. For instance, +it was true to Mr. Cleveland in 1884 and untrue in 1888. It was +true again in 1892, and there is no doubt that at the last +general election its members were told to knife Mr. Bryan +whenever they wished. + +It is the most persistent and thoroughly equipped warrior in our +political lists. There is not a square foot of New York City that +it does not know. On the day before election it is able always to +tell within a fraction the number of votes it will poll. Every +member is forced to go to his voting place and deposit his +ballot. The political preference of every man in every precinct +of every ward is known. Its agents are everywhere and always at +work. It spends money like water. It is quick to reward and +fierce to punish. It has no sentiment. It battles for so much +place, so much power and the handling of so many dollars. If it +wins, its spoils are promptly and equitably divided. Against such +a machine, so intelligently and mercilessly handled, a divided +enemy is almost certain beaten. The Republican party of New York +and the respectability of New York are able to defeat Tammany +when they go hand in hand, but only when they go hand in hand. It +is to be feared that the chasm between them in the present +campaign is not to be bridged. Their active and unscrupulous +foeman may be trusted to leave no stone unturned and no device +untried. Chicago, Ill., October 1. + + + * * * +THE HON. BARDWELL SLOTE, OF COHOSH. +BY JUNIUS. + +The man whom poor dead Billy Florence used to make the dominant, +laughter-breeding memory-haunting figure in "The Almighty +Dollar," is with us still. He infests Washington for many months +of each year. He saves the country with persistency. I purpose to +tell of him as I have known him. A residence of three years in +the Capital City and a daily converse with its legislators has +convinced me that nearly all congressmen are Bardwell Slotes, +more or less. It is a fact that to a dweller in the District of +Columbia there are no great men. Washington people are valets to +these heroes. They get to know them with their rouge and corsets +off. The sight is not pretty, but it is instructive. Sometimes it +fills a man with despair of the future of this country. It +convinces him that the greatest republic of history cannot hold +together for another century. It makes him think that +statesmanship is dead, never to resurge, and that its place is +taken by narrow foul politics. But generally mirth comes as a +relief. There is so much of the ridiculous in the modern American +Cicero or Catiline that one's visions of his shortcomings is +blurred by the tears that laughter brings. + +In nine cases out of ten the man sent to Washington to represent +his people is uneducated. In the tenth case he is ill-bred. I +once showed to twenty congressmen the following stanza, asking +them to translate it. + + "Le bruit est pour le fat, + La painte est pour le sot, + L'honnete homme s'eloigne trompe, + Et ne dit pas mot." + + It is the simplest of French doggerel and means, freely +translated, that while the fat-headed and the weakly foolish do a +great deal of jawing when mistreated by the powerful, the +sensible man picks himself up and totes himself far from the +neighborhood wherein he is unwelcome and never says a word. Of my +twenty congressmen but one offered a translation. That was the +dead William H. Crane, of Texas. The men were taken at random, +and I may say that I did not expect any translations when I +started out. Most frequently a man gets to congress through a +practically acquired knowledge of dirty politics backed by the +ability to make a stump speech, to tell a smutty story, and to +plead for his job with a slavish lickspittleism that would +disgust a Digger Indian. The ordinary congressional candidate +when smitten upon one cheek will turn the other, and when smitten +upon the other will hoist his coat-tail and request the honor of +a kick. + +It is but natural that a job which is obtained by eating filth +and drinking filth and sleeping in filth is held to with a +tenacity that rises superior to all manliness and all decency. +The congressman knows but one God--the people who elected him. He +has but one object--to pleasure those people and get a +renomination. He does not represent the United States of America. +He represents his district. His idea of statesmanship is to get +as many federal jobs for the voters of his District and as many +and large federal appropriations for his District as he can. That +is all of it. Any individual Congressman, if he had his way would +fill the government places entirely from his District and erect a +Federal post-office and custom house at every cross roads in his +Districts. If he could do these things, he thinks he would be +certain of reelection, and he is right. Federal patronage is a +fanged whip that hangs ever above his shoulders and occasionally +it falls. The recipient of the blow cringes, cowers and howls +like a beaten hound, but he does not resent. When Grover +Cleveland called the Fifty-third congress into extraordinary +session, the object being to repeal the Sherman act and utterly +demonetize silver, thus completing the vast robbery of 1873, he +knew that there was a pro-silver majority against him, but he +knew also that he held the handle of the patronage whip in his +fat beer-swelled hand and that his slaves would troup to do his +will at the first crack of its lash. The result justified his +confidence. The Democratic party had a majority of nearly 100 in +the house of representatives, but that majority voted directly +against its convictions. It was told that it would get no jobs +for constitutents until it had surrendered its honesty. American +history contains no such pitiful instance of cowardice and +grovelling meanness. Instead of one Benedict Arnold selling his +soul for temporary gain, we had fifty. It did the soul of me good +to read the returns of the next Congressional election and to +know that the truckling, craven disgusting majority was wiped out +as a boy rubs a wet sponge across a slate. + +The Hon. Bardwell Slote is a large man at home and a giant to his +wife. In his first term he comes to Washington a month ahead of +the date set for the assembling of Congress, because he wants the +Capital to get used to him gradually. He hires a couple of rooms +in a hotel. His wife puts some flowers on the mantel piece in the +sitting-room and wears her best dress all the time while she is +waiting for the president's consort and the cabinet ladies to +call. They do not call. The Hon. Slote is shocked almost to +dumbness to discover that the Capital does not know that he is on +earth. Beyond a two-line "personal" in the morning paper, jammed +among the "hotel arrivals," no mention is made of his coming. He +has bills in his trunk providing for a public building at +Bungtown and a deep water harbor at Squashville and a light house +on Jim Ned creek and the establishment of a federal court at Eden +and a governmental survey of the bad lands around Dogtown, and +the Bungtown Bazoo and the Squashville Cresset and the Eden Echoe +and the Dogtown Democrat have all stated that he intended to make +speeches on every one of them, but the general public does not +seem to take much interest in these foreshadowed cataclysmal +events. Posing on the sidewalk in front of his hotel, with his +legs wide apart, his hands behind him and his breast well out, a +couple of small boys passing remark that he is "de new jay f'on +Injyanny," and that is all the notice he gets. The attitude was +very effective at home, but it does not seem to excite awe in the +District of Columbia. + +Once in his seat on the floor of the House he discovers that he +is merely a unit in the majority or the minority. Nobody asks his +advice about anything. The tally clerk calls his name in a +careless manner. He cannot catch the speaker's eye. He bobs up +half a dozen times in the first hour with intent to make a motion +about something and sinks back limply. The voice, face and manner +that were wont to still the conventions at home are no good. The +newspaper men in the gallery over the speaker's head point at him +and whisper to each other and then they laugh. It makes him +uncomfortable. The next day the clipping bureau sends him thirty +or forty paragraphs like this: + + "The Hon. Bardwell Slote, of the Cohosh district, Indiana, made +his first appearance on the floor yesterday. He experienced some +difficulty in delivering his half dozen speeches on the various +manuscripts in his trunks. The speaker was savagely oblivious. +The Hon. Slote will add much to the gaiety of nations. The +distinctive articles of his attire were a red cravat, a coat of +the vintage of '49, a tobacco-stained shirt-front and a whisp of +oakum- colored chin beard. As a bit of bric-a-brac, or a curio +from one of the oldest portions of the unhallowed west, he will +be of value in the interior decoration of the Capitol, but it is +to be feared that his oratorical vent has been choked up for some +time to come." + +As time goes on the Hon. Slote finds his uses. He visits the +departments with persistency. He is followed by a trail of +officeseekers from home. He finds that he must wait like a +servant in the ante-rooms of the secretaries. He does not wield +much influence. His party leaders realize the value of his vote +and order him to cast it when they want it. The qualities of the +man bring him forward. He has been a heeler in the small politics +of his own county and he becomes a wrestler with two or three +hundred heelers from other parts of the republic. The +professional widow, clad in the sable habiliments of woe, takes +him into a quiet corner and leans against him hard. The Hon. +Slote becomes wildly excited and promises to leg for her bill. He +legs for it until it passes and goes up to the court of claims. +Then the widow knows him no more. A young lady, with freshly +colored cheeks and golden hair streaming down her back, looks at +him tenderly in the House restaurant. He follows her outside the +Capitol and boards a car with her and scrapes acquaintance with +her, and goes back to his lean but fiery wife some time that +night, looking and feeling like a dissipated tom cat stealing +homeward over the roofs in the gray of a chilly morning. He is +introduced to the poker game at Chamberlin's and finds that he +can hold more big hands and get more of them beaten than in any +place he ever saw in his life. He discovers that the whisky sold +in the Capitol is sudden death at a distance of 150 yards against +the wind. He draws his first month's wage of $416 and finds that +his resolution to save $316 of it might as well not have been +made. His mileage money has been spent long before. The fact is +borne in on him that it is necessary only that he answer to his +name at 12 o'clock roll call. He will not be allowed to make +speeches anyhow and can, if he chooses, fill in his time talking +to the professional widow and the young lady of the restaurant. + +At the end of the two years' term he returns to his home a wiser +man. He encourages the idea that in order to get good results it +is necessary to return a congressman for many sessions. He has +had a taste of the fleshpots. He is sent back. At the next +session he is an "old member." His capacity for chicanery has +been increased by experience. Having little morals to start with, +he is now as utterly conscienceless as it is possible for a man +to be and keep out of jail. He gets his bills through by "fine +work." He prefers to be known as a mole that works under ground. +He has formed an ability to add materially to his income. He +would get rich, but for the fact that his expenses have increased +with his earnings. He has from one to four female employes of the +government "on his staff." He seeks constantly for youthful +typewriters. He has learned to dress in a manner that does not +shock the populace. His voice takes on an unctuous greasy timbre. +He has become something of an authority on canvas-back and wines. +His head is full of "schemes" and the pre-requisite of them all +is governmental appropriation. In return for his vote in favor of +several more or less iniquitous measures, grabs and steals, he +has obtained appropriations for the federal building at Bungtown +and the light house at Jim Ned creek. The money for the deep +water harbor at Squashville is carried in the general rivers and +harbors bill and he has hopes that the federal court will sit at +Eden the next year. He is more solid with his constituents. Many +of them have been made postmasters and railway postal clerks and +inspectors of various kinds. One of them has even been given a +consulate at Demerara and writes many letters home bearing +strange looking stamps. The Hon. Slote at this period is puffy +under the eyes. Three Turkish baths a week keep him going. His +wife has learned not to question him too closely, and, possible, +has found consolations of her own. + +So he goes on from year to year. He does not sink any lower in +the scale of morality, because already he is about as low as he +can get. When a man reaches a stage where he depends for his +living altogether on public office and to obtain that office is +compelled to fight politicians with their own weapons, not much +more need be said than a simple statement of the case. When the +day of his decapitation arrives--and it comes to him soon or +late--he is apt to develop into a lobbyist. Having been a +congressman gives him the right to the floor of the House or +Senate. He will be found later on championing any bill that has +money in it, no matter how patent the steal. + +This description of the Hon. Bardwell Slote, of Cohosh, is not in +any way overdrawn. It is, in fact, conservative, If an exact +portraiture of him were given, the ICONOCLAST would be +unmailable. There are some men in the American House of +Representatives who are ornaments to the Republic. They are +honest, patriotic and intelligent. But they are woefully few. +Slote may stand for the ruck of them. They are immoral and +pestiferous demagogues, robbing the public whose pay they draw, +and willing to go any length to maintain their seats. Washington +is notoriously a rotten city, sexually and politically, and the +representatives in Congress, more than any other component of the +body civic, help to make it so. + +This state of affairs will continue until men are chosen by the +people distinctly for merit and past services, and for these +things only. There are in the state of Texas to-day, and in every +other state of the Union, for that matter, a hundred demagogues +who are known to be demagogues. They have fed like buzzards upon +the rotting offal of politics and the people continue to vote for +them. Every now and then the ICONOCLAST reaches out and whacks +one of them a fell blow upon his sconce, but, having tied up his +head, he once again returns to his business of craving alms at +the hands of his fellows. + +If I wanted to send a daughter of mine to perdition, I would +leave her in Washington dependent upon the influence of some +congressman on the wrong side of forty. If I wished to insure for +my son a liberal and eternal dose of hell-fire, I would set +before him any one of two hundred representatives and tell him to +follow their example in all things. The girl might land as a +leader in low-necked bare-armed and swell-busted society or in a +bagnio and the boy might land in Congress or in the penitentiary. +Washington, D. C., November 23, 1897. + + + +MONDE AND DEMI MONDE. + +BY ETHELYN LESLIE HUSTON. + +Once upon a time in the city of Detroit there lived a society +woman who was very wealthy. Her home was one of the most regal of +the Woodward avenue mansions. Her aristocratic limbs were clothed +in the softest of silks, her delicate hands were weighed down +with costliest jewels, her retinue of servants were worthy the +princely hospitalities she extended to those of her august order, +and her charities--upon occasion--were as munificent as the gifts +of gods. + +This woman was very fair to look upon, and her life seemed a path +of rose leaves upon which all the graces smiled. But there was a +canker at the heart of all this loveliness, the deadly breath of +the Upas tree sometimes pierced its incense, the hidden head of a +coiled asp now and then stirred the laces nestling at her breast. +And the tiny asp that slept on her heart was Rumor, that she +could not kill, yet whose sting meant death. And when it moved, +her lips whitened with fear, but she soothed it back to the +warmth of slumber and strewed lavish gifts on the altar of +charity. And then for awhile, the asp slept. And so it was that +upon one of these occasions the asp moved restlessly, through the +soft music of the cultured voices around her there crept an +ominous hiss as the little green head parted the perfumed +lace. + +And the woman knew that her frailties were many and the hiss was +Truth, and that all her loveliness was but a whited sepulcher +that hid the ghastly bones of a murdered womanhood. + +So with her jeweled hand she soothed the asp and gathered about +her the women of her kind and told them that as the man of +Nazarath had walked among the fallen so ought they. And these +women arranged that they should go to the Magdalens of their city +and teach them the error of their way and lead them gently into +the treadmill of factory and sweat-shop to earn their daily bread +and butter and olives. + +So in a holy band of six they sought the gilded haunt of sin and +asked Madame R----if they might talk for a while with +her-er-young ladies. The former smilingly acquiesced and they +were courteously ushered into a stately drawing-room, where a +number of the-er-young ladies listened with equally smiling +interest to their dissertations on the beauties of a moral life. +She of the asp moved to the rear of the drawing-room, where a +woman with a delicate, refined face was sitting at a grand piano. +Her eyes had a touch of tragedy and a great weariness in their +depths, but as they rested gravely on her guest there was the +faintest soupcon of amusement under their drooping lids. "My +dear," quoth the grande dame, very gently, "forgive me if I +intrude on delicate ground, but I want to ask--to know--that +is--," very regretfully, "just tell me why do you lead a sinful +life?" + +The other woman was silent for a moment, then she spoke with +equal gentleness: + +"Madame, I was deserted when a girl-wife with a little child to +support. I led this sinful life to support my baby and myself. +And now, may I ask in return what is your reason?" + +Here the chronicle ended, but the incident is still fresh in the +memories of the City of the Straits' most exclusive 150. It is +reluctantly admitted by those who labor sincerely among the +world's unfortunates that the reformation of a fallen woman is +more difficult than the twelve labors of Hercules. They are of +two classes--the naturally depraved and the victim of +circumstances. The former is utterly hopeless because her nature +is too coarse-fibred to even realize, let alone heed, her own +infamy. The latter is equally hopeless because she realizes too +much. And how reform the half-world when society leads so gaily? +"We dance along Death's icy brink, but is the dance less fun?" If +morals are lax for sheer amusement, among those of the purple, +what wonder if Moses' tablet grew dim to the people! Did the +glorious and glittering sin of the French patricians teach the +grisette patience with her lowly lot? Or did not her frantic +fingers twist in the soft, perfumed tresses of proud heads, with +shrieks for the guillotine the more fierce because of the +toil-worn hands? + +But she of the monde draws her costly laces over the little asps +and gives with the dainty hand of a pictured Lady Bountiful, +while her word smiles approval. And she of the half-world, who +realizes too much!--what she is, who gave heart and soul and body +to a supreme self-abnegation only to be struck back from the +blaze of her heaven with the brazen clamor of its closing gates +clashing through her stunted brain--she gathers the rags of her +life around her and flies, a haunted and a hunted thing to the +blackest depths, that can strangle thought and memory and brain. +She laughs, too, over her whited sepulchre, but it is a laugh +with painted lips and a merriment whose end is madness. We do not +ask her for charity,--when we remember her at all, it is to +clutch her wages of sin from her grasp to add to the city's tax. +And it is not the green asp of Rumor that sleeps in her breast, +covered by jewelled fingers, but under her thin hand burns the +flame of Vathek, eating always with its crimson torment till +heart and reason are charred and black and dead. + +We cannot forgive her, so we fine her. Her name is in the Black +List, not the Blue Book. She sins and suffers, while the other +sins and smiles, and we lash the woman while we laud the wanton. + +Of what avail are our home and refuge and retreat--empty shells +of stiff formula and strict red tape? Hospitals to the coarse +class, perhaps, but is it there a racked soul would turn while in +her tottering brain the armed hosts of heaven and hell wage war? + +Of what avail are creed and dogma and ritual, when we ourselves +"bow the knee to pomp that loves to varnish guilt"? Of what avail +our benevolence that offers, not the Christ-touch of pity and +understanding, but the bitter bread of craven servitude and +Pharisaical condescension, that says "thou art vile and lost for +all time?" + +We laud the wanton because she has wealth and power. She buys our +favor with her wines and feasts, and blinds our willing eyes with +her gifts and charities, and we only murmur with pensive +gentleness "who shall judge!" + +We are such cultured black-mailers, such refined bribe-seekers, +such sensitive sycophants, while she obeys the eleventh +commandment and is properly discreet she feeds us epicurean +favors as she feeds her English pug bon-bons. And we are careful +that the face of the dog shall express the greater intelligence. + +And the woman with the flame in her heart? From her we have +nothing to gain so--what would you? Her nature was too great to +be discreet. She sinned grandly, but the height of her sin made +deeper the depths of her soul abasement and her self-torment was +too horrible to clothe itself in the tawdry draperies of +diplomacy. She bared herself to the whips of the avenging furies, +she cowered before the wrath of outraged God, and to her there +was no guerdon possible for the shattered chrystal of her +girlhood. When her heaven thrust her out, to her there was only +left the world's hell of lost souls. And we in our wisdom accept +her own sentence and our lips are silent. We feast the wanton who +is wise and bracket Marguerite with Messalina. We kiss the one +and curse the other, because the one is a hypocrite in the halls +of splendor and the other honest in the haunts of shame. We hover +around the one with flatteries and soft courtesies, and we hound +down the other with pitiless vengeance, human and divine. + +And in all this does our world show its shallowness and its +immeasurable stupidity. How dare woman say to her sister woman, +"I am better than thou!" In how much has she been tried and +tempted? How much does she know of life and its hideous tests? +How much does she know woman's love that is at once her glory and +her shame, her crown and her crucifix, her heaven and her +Calvary? How dare she judge? Has she ever faced the uphill battle +where her two hands alone fought the ravenous wolves of Want and +Hunger? Has she ever slipped her bared arm thro' the iron staples +and held it there, while they howled in fury outside, and this +iron cut and bruised and tore flesh and nerve,--till her teeth +sank through tongue and lips and her eyes grew misty and dim with +torture worse than death? Has she ever done all this--while her +strength reeled and failed and through it all she cursed God for +the white fear in the faces of those who loved and lived upon +her? Has she ever felt that sickening GIVE, as the hell-hounds +swept her back and down, and in her blind despair she would +clutch at aid though it were steeped in all the infamies from +here to hades? Has she ever known all this?--she who would draw +her silken shirts aside? Then if she have not, let her strip her +heart of its stainless selfishness and her limbs of their +ignorant ease; let her go out into the world where women live and +strive and suffer, and let her humbly crawl to the feet of those +women whose toil worn hands and weary faces and scarred hearts +and souls shame her shallow usefulness, and let her lay her mouth +in the dust and cry "Peccavi!" + +How dare she judge! Who is she, with her pitiless eyes and +useless hands and ignorant heart and narrow life,--who is she to +question lives that in all their ruins are as grand, compared to +hers, as a ruined temple compared to a child's painted toy. Would +she write of Rome with the pearl and gold bauble on her dainty, +inlaid desk? Would she measure the Pantheon with the little +yardstick of her own intellect? Would she weigh Caesar's life and +motives on the jeweled letter-scales of her own experience? Would +she gauge Jove by the character of her curate? + +If she can do this, then is she competent to voice her judgment +on the most profound of all mysteries--human life. Boise City, +Idaho, November 12. + + +MACHIAVELLI. + +BY WILLIAM MARION REEDY. + +One of the best books issued this year is the thin pamphlet, you +might call it, which contains Mr. John Morley's lecture on +Machiavelli. It will repay any reader from what standpoint soever +he may approach the character. "The veering gusts of public +judgment have carried incessantly along, from country to country, +and from generation to generation, with countless mutations of +aspect and of inuendo, the sinister renown of Machiavelli." + +Truly this man of all men, since Judas, has attained an +immortality of infamy. Long was it thought that the common +domestic title of the devil, "Old Nick," was an abbreviation of +Machiavelli's Christian name. Hudibras fathered that myth, but +now we know, Mr. Morley says, that the familiar appellation of +the Evil One is a remnant of Norse mythology, deriving from Nyke, +the water- goblin. + +For three centuries all the evils of all political systems and +policies have been attributed to the evils of Machiavelli's +logic. Church and State alike have claimed he was the champion of +the other's cause. He was Jesuit and atheist as it suited the +turn of any vituperative polemist. He was Reformer and "Romanist" +as the advocates of Rome or Reformation happened to interpret +him. His is, certainly, an unique greatness. There has been in +his work, as in all great works, something for all men; but that +something has been always, for three centuries, something bad. It +is no wonder, therefore, that there prevailed once, a belief that +the Devil himself had written his chief book. I have always had +an idea that Goethe in drawing Mephistopheles, glanced from the +tail of his mind's eye at Machiavelli for a model. Machiaveli +appears to come nearer than any human being to realizing the +Goethe conception of Intellectual Evil. + +The man, still, may be infamous, but--he is intensely human. The +baseness of him has its basal strength in his founding upon man. +He is the only realist philosopher. Besides him Bacon is a +dreamer. Machiavelli was and is the master misanthrope, and,--God +help us!--we must admit that his misanthropy only too well is +founded on fact. He seems to have been the most perfect +incarnation of that "accomplished and infamous Italy," which +gave us the Borgias and the terrible Elizabethan plays of +Tourneur, Webster and Ford, with their plots of incest and +murder, that Italy which was a veritable Hell out of which rose +the Renaissance. He was the philosophy of that Italy. He first +said, in effect, that nothing succeeds like success. He first +cast aside Plato and his dreaming and Aristotle and his elements. +He was the father of the philosophy of "practical politics." +Francis Bacon learned of Machiavelli, who "wrote what men do and +not what they ought to do." This is the philosophy of fact. He +dealt with men as he found them. He was a sublime, almost a +diabolical opportunist I have often thought Benjamin Franklin, +with his "honesty is the best policy," is another Machiavelli, +only touched a little with the pharisaism of the Puritan. With +the Italian anything that would win is the best policy, and this +is his honest estimate of men. The best policy was the policy +adopted, after looking the facts of life and of human nature +squarely in the face and finding that the end was to be attained +easiest either by honesty or dishonesty. To "get there," as we +say, was the faith of Machiavelli. + +Idea and ideal meant nothing to the author of "The Prince." What +we know as "moral forces" this Italian ignored. He judged +humanity by its lowest average of motive or intelligence. There +was but one general law, for him, and that was that it was right +to deceive, if force were of dubious effect, in affairs of State. +It were well to be honest, if one could, as a ruler of the State, +but it was his duty to rule and triumph by any means between the +extremes of simple lying on the one hand, and poisons or other +assassination on the other. + +Machiavelli was born in 1469. He was a governmental secretary in +Florence and met many of the strangely fine and fiendish +characters of that time. He went on four missions to the King of +France; was an intimate of Caesar Borgia; was an emissary of the +Florentine republic to Pope Julius II, and was with Maximilian to +Innsbruck. Those were stormy times, and Machiavelli studied the +storms. He belonged to the popular party--and his masterpiece is +a manual for tyrants. After 1512, with the return of the Medici, +he lost his place, was imprisoned, was put to the torture, was +amnestied by Leo X and withdrew to San Casciano, where he lived a +life almost idyllic in its manner, to judge by a description from +his own pen which Mr. Morley has incorporated in his lecture. It +was there he wrote the book "The Prince," at forty- five, +dedicating it to Lorenzo the Magnificent. The dedication was a +bit of palaver to the tyrant who had destroyed Florentine +freedom. It was several years before he was rewarded by a small +employment and then he was commissioned to write the history of +Florence which he finished and dedicated to Leo X, in 1527. Here, +also, it is supposed, he wrote a comedy, much praised and +unremembered. He was a shrewd man, as his writings aver, yet he +made a failure of his own life, to a large extent. He was +cheerful in his ill-fortune, however, and he "clung to public +things," and, after his comedy, wrote the dialogues of the "Art +of War," to induce his countrymen to substitute for mercenary +armies a national militia--to-day one of the organic ideas of +the European system. Just as Machiavelli entered public life +Savonarola had gone to the stake for an idea. The spirit of Dante +touched him not at all. He was a man of his time, but not of the +very best of his time. And yet he wrote that he loved his country +with his whole soul. Mr. Morley says, "and one view of +Machiavelli is that he was always the lion masquerading in the +fox's skin, an impassioned patriot, under all his craft and jest +and bitter mockery. Even Mazzini, who explained the ruin of Italy +by the fact that Machiavelli prevailed over Dante, admits that he +had 'a profoundly heart.' " Machiavelli died in 1527. + +He was a man of affairs. He had read the ancients who dealt with +politics, and he assimilated what he read, Mr. Morley says that +it was as true of Florence in the Sixteenth Century as of Athens, +Corinth, Corcyra in the Fifth Century before Christ, as set forth +in Thucydides, that it was a prey to intestine faction and the +ruinous invocation of foreign aid. "These terrible calamities," +says Thucydides, "always have been and always will be, while +human nature remains the same. Words cease to have the same +relations to things, and their meanings are changed to suit the +ingenuities of enterprise and the atrocities of revenge. Frantic +energy is the quality most valued, and the man of violence is +always trusted. That simplicity which is a chief ingredient of a +noble nature is laughed to scorn. Inferior intellects succeed +best. Revenge becomes dearer than self-preservation, and men even +have a sweeter pleasure in the revenge that goes with perfidy +than if it were open." If any reader of the ICONOCLAST desires a +splendid picture of this Italy, I refer him to Vernon Lee's +"Euphorion," which pictures the land as an inferno. Mr. Morley, +too, gives a vivid picture of the time, saying that Italy of that +date "presents some peculiarities that shed over her civilization +a curious and deadly irridescence." How one thinks of Ingalls and +his "honesty in politics is an iridescent dream." To resume our +Morley. "Passions moved it in strange orbits. Private depravity +and political debasement went with one of the most brilliant +intellectual awakenings in the history of the western world. +Another dark element is the association of merciless selfishness, +violence, craft and corruption with the administration of sacred +things. If politics were divorced from morals, so was theology." +Hired crime, stealthy assassination, especially by poison, +prevailed. Contempt of human life, the fury of private revenge +and the spirit of atrocious perfidy were characteristic of the +luxurious Italian renaissance. Genius, according to John +Addington Symonds, it was assumed, "released man from the +shackles of ordinary mortality." These Italian tyrants were +touched with the Neronian malady. They were mad with power, with +luxury, with ennui. Flowers of Evil bloomed profusely. In Italy, +fair as it was, with the poets singing everlastingly of Spring, +it seemed God has forgotten the world. The demonaic fascination +of the land, then, is something the reader finds difficult to +shake off. You move among and hold converse with splendid +cultured monsters. The church alone kept alive purity, though it +did not escape corruption. I think Dante and Michael Angelo +proved that the pure religious spirit was not dead in a time when +it was proclaimed that "it is best to sleep and be of stone, not +to see and not to feel, while such misery and shame endure." +There was a spirit recognizing the "misery and shame," and that +spirit was in the church. Mr. Morley admits that Michael Angelo +was such a spirit and Dante wrote in "La Vita Nuova" the first, +pure, spiritual love-poem of the world. + +Environed thus, and with a peculiarly Italian morbidezza, or +plasticity we find Machiavelli. Others before had written of +politics, but Machiavelli "had the better talent of writing." He +wrote to tell things clearly. Imagination he had none, as an +historian, and his comedy is in Limbo. He is all intellectual +strength, but the moral influence is missing. He is, says Mr. +Morley, simple, unaffected, direct, vivid, rational. He is as +literal as a woman. His literal statement is his finest effect of +irony. Mr. Morley's analysis of the Machiavellian style is itself +a masterpiece of serene expression, rising with a solemn sense of +the fearful absence of all principle, as we understand it, in the +work, to a richly eloquent, and even tender, tribute to the moral +beauty of life. I wish I might transcribe it and I hope that many +will read it. It is rarer than anything you may remember of +Macaulay's essay upon the everlastingly execrable Florentine. + +"Men are a little breed" might have been Machiavelli's motto. Or +he might have said "the more I see of men the better I like +dogs." He is remorseless in seeing only that men are ungrateful, +fickle, deceivers, greedy of gain, run-aways before peril, +readier to pay back injury than kindness. "Worst of all they take +middle paths." Upon these, his observations, he proceeds to tell +a story of a State and he tells it icily. He lays bare the +foulness of man. He doesn't lecture, he does not preach, he never +laughs, never scolds, is never surprised. He shows, says Mr. +Morley about "as good a heart as can be made out of brains." In +my opinion, that sentence is the most terrible indictment in the +book. It marks him as a monster worse than Frankenstein. + +Machiavelli has no opinion to argue about; nothing but men's +passions as they were and are. He is alive, always and +everywhere, because he shows us men. He maintains, according to +Mr. Morley, that the world grows no better and no worse. There is +for him no "one far-off, divine event to which the whole creation +moves." Nothing for him but Power. Good and evil concern him not. +He recited what we call a crime as impassively as he recited a +virtue. So-and-so did such and such. This followed. That is all. +He is a fatalist with no more sound philosophy than this: "It is +better to be adventurous than cautious, for Fortune is a woman, +and to be mastered must be boldly handled. He was a republican, +but he believed that strength was the secret of +government--strength in itself and in mastery of those who make +up the State. No half-measures for him. The State is his idol, if +he have one. The State must be supreme in will, in vigor, in +intelligence; unflinching, unsparing, remorseless. The humility +of Christ has no part in his scheme. He knows no mercy and no +justice. One almost can admire his inhuman disregard of men. He +cared as little for them as Napoleon. He scorns all gentleness. +And yet he thought well of the people, of their prudence and +stability. He deemed them liable to err as to generalities but +apt to be right as to particulars. Our experience, I dare say, is +otherwise--no matter how we stand on the financial question. +"Better far," he repeats an hundred times, "than any number of +fortunes is not to be hated by your people." Not to be hated! +That was as near as he could come to love. He is opposed to +dictators and he speaks out plainly enough, in his discourses, +about the unwisdom of slaying fellow-citizens, betraying friends, +being without mercy, without religion. He is conventional enough +in all this. When he comes to describe the Prince, who is to save +the divided State, he does so in lines that make a picture at +once to fascinate and affright mankind. + +The Prince must save the State. He must be as good as he can be; +at least, he must have no vices that will hurt the State, i. e. +endanger his government. There are but two ways to govern, by law +or force. The Prince must rule by one or the other, as necessity +may dictate. He must mingle the lion and the fox. A Prince cannot +keep faith, if keeping faith will hurt the State. Why? Because +others will not keep faith with him. "It is frequently +necessary--and here is the sentence that has done so much to damn +its writer--for the upholding of the State, to go to work against +faith, against Charity, against humanity, against religion; and a +new Prince cannot observe all the things for which men are +reckoned good." Reason of State is the only universal test for an +action. Anything that may preserve the State is right. I wonder +what Professor Felix Adler would think of this, with his proposal +to make the State "take the place of the personal deity that is +passing out of men's lives. Machiavelli was a fetich worshipper +of the State. Preserve the State, say Machiavelli regardless of +justice, or pity, or honor! As Diderot, quoted by Mr. Morley, +said of this, it is an argument which should be headed, "The +Circumstances under which it is right for a Prince to be a +Scoundrel." + +Caesar Borgia, the fiend, was Machiavelli's model, a man who +rivalled all the atrocities of the worst Roman emperors. But +Borgia failed. That matters not to Machiavelli. His failure was +"due to the extreme malignity of fortune." Mr. Morley's rapid +sketch of Caesar Borgia, ferocious, lustful in insane ways, +treacherous, splendidly vile, is a glance into the Hell that was +Italy. Machiavelli was in this man's train and frankly admired +him and his methods. All the men of the times seemed to be wild +beasts, and Borgia was as courageous, supple and sly as those +with whom he dealt. Machiavelli, to do him justice, thought that +Caesar Borgia and his father, the Pope, had design to pacify and +to unify Italy. They worked with the material and with the tools +to hand. Men did not shudder at treachery and assassination in +those days. We must judge men by their surroundings. And it is +difficult, even now, vide Turkey and Greece, "to govern the world +by paternosters." As Mr. Morley says, "It is well to take care +lest in blaming Machiavelli for openly prescribing hypocrisy, men +do not slip unperceived into something like hypocrisy of their +own. Each age has its own hypocrisy. Mr. Morley traces the +influences of Machiavelli, and finds them strong in William the +Silent, Henry of Navarre, and Good Queen Bess. All these rulers +dallied with creeds and were diplomats to the Machiavellian limit +of duplicity. They burned and hanged and tortured on the plea of +the strong State. Frederick, the Great, too, Mr. Morley classes +as a pupil of Machiavelli, though, once, the "crank" on tall +grenadiers threatened to write a refutation of "The Prince" and +thereby drew from Arouet de Voltaire a characteristic mot. +Napoleon, with his "reasons of State," was Machiavellian. +Machiavelli presided at the shooting of D'Engheim. It was one of +the last things which showed "what reason of State may come to, +in any age, in the hands of a logician with a knife in his +grasp." + +From the influence of Machiavelli upon the Absolutists, Mr. +Morley comes down to his influence in the Republican camp. +Mazzini, he says "could not curse the dagger" and yet Mazzini was +"in some respects the loftiest moral genius of the century." Mr. +Morley does not believe that Machiavellism has pervaded party +politics in Europe or America. I wonder if this be not a sample +of Mr. Morley's Machiavellism--a reason of state at this time. If +not Machiavellism, what, in God's name, are our platform +straddles, our expediency candidates, our deals and dickers in +tariff-bills, our endeavors to catch all kinds of votes from all +kinds of "interests." I am not a silverite, but the regular +Democrats made and out-and-out platform and did not hedge. I am a +Democrat and glad that, though it "split us wide open," we fought +out the issue just as we fought out the slavery issue. True +Democrats, gold or silver, despise only the Machiavellists who +talk of compromise. Machiavelli seems to have seen but one side +of life--the worse. He knew but one kind of men--Italians of the +sixteenth century. They were not normal. It is true that Nature +is not moral, but if Machiavelli be right it were just as well +that we should return to the conditions of life in Stanley +Waterloo's "Story of Ab." Whether Nature be moral or not, at +least men are. We must look at the facts. We have civilized our +code of warfare. The greatest living diplomat is Leo XIII, and no +one deems that he succeeds by deceit. Bismark says there is no +success in lying, in diplomacy. Reasons of State are not, in the +common consent of mankind, good reasons per se. "Talleyrand was +false to every one but true to France." He was an avatar of +Machiavelli, and he is despised, universally. + +The Roman State has passed away. The Venetian and the Florentine +States have passed. All the supreme States have vanished and they +begun to fade just as soon as the Machiavellian idea began to +prevail. The State is not the end of the existence of people. The +State must grow broader and broader until, let us hope, we shall +see "the parliament of man, the federation of the world." Our +sympathy with Cuba, with the Armenians, with Ireland, with +Poland, rises up to refute Machiavelli and his right of the State +to crush for mere pleasure of power. "If Machiavelli had been at +Jerusalem two thousand years ago, he would have found nobody of +importance save Pontius Pilate and the Roman legionaries," says +Mr. Morley. He forgot the moral force of the world. Machiavelli's +fault is the Renaissance fault. The Renaissance turned to the +past to reconstruct everything, and it copied, save in its +architecture, only Antiquity's faults. It became diseased, trying +to adjust itself to dead things. Life itself became corrupted; +the Renaissance was to a large extent a birth out of +degeneration. + +Machiavelli was a scientist--a vivisectionist I should say. He +preached, with a vengeance, the survival of the fittest. He is +vital in his books today because he stands for the vitality of +men's passions. He saw them and studied them and knew them. But +upon passions nothing ever was builded. They shift and change. +They cannot give a foundation of permanency to a State. They were +the essence of that chaos out of which he thought to bring order +in anarchic Italy, working on them and on them alone. Cunning, +jealousy, perfidy, ingratitude, dupery were the instruments with +which he would fashion out a State. And he knew that the State so +wrought could not last, for he said the world grew no better; +what made his State destroyed it, inevitably. Machiavelli ignored +charity, which is in itself, justice, fidelity, gratitude, +honesty and all the virtues. He was a man without hope and a man +without love. What a great sad mad man he was, indeed. St. Louis, +November 15. + + * * * +THE AMATEUR EDITOR. + +The country appears to be overrun at present with amateur +editors. When a man learns by sad experience that he hasn't +sufficient sense to successfully steer a blind mule through a +cotton patch, where the rows are a rod apart, he exchanges his +double-shovel plot for the editorial tripod and begins "moulding +public opinion" and industriously exchanging advertising acreage +for something to eat. When Will Carleton's old farmer discovered +that his son Jim was good for nothing else on God's earth he +concluded to "be makin' an editor outen o' him." That practice +prevails throughout the country to a very considerable extent +to-day--the sanctum divides with the pulpit and the stage those +incompetents who aspire to mount above the plow, yet lack the +necessary brains to succeed in business, in medicine or at the +bar. When a man fails at everything else he is apt to be seized +with a yearning ambition to become an editor. He gets trusted for +a shirt-tail full o' pied type, a pre-Raphaelite press, lays in a +job-lot of editorial "we's" and a sawdust cuspidore, girds up his +loins and begins to commence. His first task is to reform the +currency system and instruct the universe in the esoteric science +of economics. He may not be able to successfully float a +butcher's bill, but he writes of finance with all the assurance +of Alexander Hamilton. He may not know whether Adam Smith or +Tommy Watson wrote the "Wealth of Nations"; but he doesn't +hesitate to take issue with every economist from Quesnay to +Walter--to utilize his paste-pot for arc light and play at +Liberty Enlightening the World. These amateur editors are the +curse of the country. They Guldensuppe John Stuart Mill and play +Leutgert to Lindley Murray. It is some consolation, however, to +reflect that they seldom last long. They unfold their wing-like +ears and make a frantic flutter at the sun, only to come down +beam first on some rocky islet in the Icarian sea. Their +creditors do not have even the mournful satisfaction of +contemplating the hole--the amateur editor invariably pulls it in +after him. But until his first notes fall due he is an iridescent +glory. He adores himself with a long-tailed hand-me-down Albert +Edward and carries the universe in his arms. He pokes his +meddlesome proboscis into everything and gives oodles of advice, +unasked. He may not have as much principle as a tomcat in +rutting time, but he poses before all men as a "guardian of +public morals." When he places the awful seal of his disapproval +upon a fellow mortal he expects to see him shrivel ups like a fat +angle-worm on a sea-coal fire. He's a modern Balaam, peddling +God's blessings and curses--for the long green. He imagines that +an eager multitude sit up every night to catch the first dank +copy of his little matutinal mistake--to see what he's got to +SAY. He's garrulous as a toothless gran dam at a sewing circle, +as busy as a canine eunuch when his kind do congregate. He +discourses of everything, from the creation of the universe to +Farmer Brown's visit to Bugleville. He fairly riots in editorial +"leaders." He gives his "moral support"--and nothing else--to +those local enterprises whose promoters jack him up with gobs of +taffy on the mistaken hypotheses that his "flooence" may be +useful. He has an idea that his miserable little journalistic +misfit is "making the town" and is entitled to great wads of +gratitude--that should his towline break the whole community +would go awhooping to hades, the bottom would fall out of realty +values and the streets be overgrown with Johnson grass. So he +toils and sweats and stinks--imagines that he is roosting on the +top rung of the journalistic ladder when he hasn't even learned +his trade. Finally he falls through the bosom of his pantalettes. +The sheriff levies on his stock of editorial "we's" the paste +sours, the office cat starves, spiders festoon the sawdust +cuspidore and the dust settles like a pall on his collection of +worn type and wood-base railway cuts. The second-hand engine +ceases to snort, the rat printers disperse and the wheezy old +cylinder press no longer alarms the neighborhood. But in a little +while another yap scraps up $40 in cash, catches a sucker to +endorse his note and there's a renascence of the old plant. It is +from shyster lawyers without clients, quack doctors without +patients and peanut politicians without pulls that the ranks of +amateur journalism are constantly recruited. Such people always +imagine it dead easy to "run" a paper--that it is only necessary +to grab the editorial stylus and pour forth their inexhaustible +fund of misinformation to set the woods on fire. Such papers +usually manage to wiggle through the fall and winter, for they +can then sell advertising space at a dollar an acre, take pay in +soft-soap and second-hand sad-irons and still make a reasonable +profit--the time of their manipulators being worth nothing a +week; but when the long dull summer dawns they go "up agin it" +with a dull hollow groan. Every town between Sunrise and Last +Chance has had experience galore with the amateur editor. He is +one of those unhung idiots who rush in where angels fear to +tread. He is an incorrigible but an unabateable nuisance. He +never succeeds in making money for himself; he always manages to +lose it for somebody else. You may mark this; The quack cannot +achieve permanent success in any profession, in journalism least +of all, for there his shortcomings cannot be concealed. To become +a successful newspaper man one must begin at the bottom and climb +by pure strength through long days of labor and nights of agony. +It is the most exacting profession in the world today. It is true +that some so-called yellow journals succeed in making money; but +while they employ perverts they have no use for Smart Alecs and +amateurs. Amateur journalists, like dog-fennel and jimson weeds, +usually blossom in Jayville. Most Southern towns have suffered +from their reckless depredations and will hail their excoriation +with delight; still it is a wicked waste of nervo-muscular +energy--the amateur journalist, like the poor, and the +megalophanous jackass, we have ever with us. + + * * * +SPEAKING FOR MYSELF. + +The ICONOCLAST receives thousands of letters to which it is +impossible for me personally to reply. Many of them refer to the +attempts made to forcibly suppress the ICONOCLAST, and to the +terrible tragedy resulting from those attacks. I take this +opportunity of thanking my friends for their kindly interest, and +to assure them that I have stood from the first solely upon the +defensive. I have made a decent attempt to set an example of +Christian forbearance for my religious brethren. To the kindly +offers of other cities to afford the ICONOCLAST an asylum and +protect its editor from outrage, I will simply say that I do not +consider either my property or person in the slightest danger. A +majority of the Texas people are both broad gauged and +law-abiding. We probably have our proportion of intolerant bigots +and splenetic-hearted little blatherskites who preach mob +violence from the pulpit; but such people are not dangerous so +long as they are well watched. My forbears helped make Texas a +republic; they helped make it a state of the American union. I +like the climate, and most of the people, and am in no hurry to +move. I may have to seek a better distributing point for my +publications, as they are already too extensive to be properly +handled from any Texas town; but I shall not pull my tent stakes +for a day or two. If I do move--sometime within the next +twelve-month--it will be bruited throughout the universe that I +was driven out of Waco,--just as my brethren in Christ say I was +driven out of San Antonio; but that won't worry my soul a cent's +worth. I've been lied about so d----n much, that I feel ill at +ease and neglected unless the target of vindictive mendacity by +tearful souls who fail to pay their debts. I've been kept so +badly frightened all month by threats to drag me out of my home +and hang me, or otherwise measure me up for a crop of angelic +pin-feathers that I've been unable to write anything worth +reading. But as soon as I can swallow my heart and quit shivering +I will grab the English language by the butt-end and make it +crack like a new bull-whip about the ears of hypocrites and +humbugs. Meanwhile I desire to state that there is nothing the +matter with the ICONOCLAST's contributors. They are a bouquet +of pansy blossoms of whom any publisher might well be proud. +Should the editor chance to swallow too much water the next time +he is baptized, they can be depended upon to keep the flag of the +ICONOCLAST afloat until the red headed heir-apparent learns to +write with one hand and shoot with the other. Let it go at that. +BRANN. + + . . . + +Princeton, N. J., is dreadfully disappointed because the "Stuffed +Prophet" didn't call his kid Grover Cleveland. It is really +pitiful to contemplate the agony of Princeton; but the average +tax-payer is likely to conclude that one Grover Cleveland is +quite enough in any country. It is to be hoped that the son will +not resemble the sire--that he will not have the beefy mug of the +booze-sodden old beast who disgraced the presidency by playing +that high office for his personal profit. Let it never be +forgotten that G. Cleveland was the only man to enter the +presidency a pauper and leave it a plutocrat. And he managed to +do this at a time when millions of better men were going hungry +to bed. + + +AS I WAS SAYING. + +BY M. W. CONNOLLY. + + How small of all that human hearts endure + That part which laws or kings can cause or cure! +Still to ourselves in every place consigned, + Our own felicity we make or find.--Dr. Samuel Johnson. + +There is something admirably rugged and encouragingly practical +in the sentiments and philosophies of the older writers that acts +on the mind as a potent tonic when wearied and weakened by the +monotonous and anaemic outpourings of the so-called +philanthropists of the present day. There is something +energizing, thew-developing. This is the age of pulling +literature, of crocodile tears, of simulated tenderness, of +counterfeit sympathy, of cry and clamor and plaint and protest. +In politics we call this practice calamity-howling, whether in +tornado-swept Kansas, blizzard-bitten Iowa or boss-ridden New +York. in literature it is mere charlatanry, mere scagliola, made +for sale. Hamlin Garland makes imaginary journeys over "Traveled +Roads" to tell us of the utter and intolerable miseries of the +Western farmers who live in sod houses. Raising dollar wheat is +not so bad, even in a sod house. George Cable and Albion Tourges +write sentimental lies about the Southern negroes. Those at all +familiar with the facts know that no people on earth are happier +than the Southern negroes. Arthur Morrison writes about "The +Child of the Jago" and draws tears from our eyes. Those who have +seen the children of the Jago fight and play, romp and riot would +probably be willing to trade health and peace of mind with any of +them. The list is too long or it might be interesting to name +others who write for the purpose of making people discontented, +to inflame jealousy or arouse envy. It will be no trouble to +recall a host of others. The politician seeks to "remove the +inequalities of life by wise and salutary laws," meaning that he +wants office. The "literary feller" seeks "to educate the public +mind and raise the public conscience to a higher plane," meaning +that he wants to do the educating, incidentally, and to sell his +books, objectively. To complain that life is "often more than sad +enough, with its inequalities confronting us, its gilded prizes +and its squalors side by side, its burdens and its trivialties +pressing in upon the soul," as does Marguerite Merington in a +late and otherwise excellent magazine article, is to strike a +popular chord, but the note is false and scabrous, the philosophy +less than commendable. Men are but children of a larger growth +and, like children of a smaller growth, they like to be petted +and pitied and told that the world is not treating them fairly. +No man, rich or poor, is contented, and he enjoys being told that +his failure to reach the goal of his ambitions and fill to the +brim his cup of pleasure is because of the great impersonal +world, or untoward and oppugning circumstances have prevented +him. He enjoys this sort of thing so much that he will pay +handsomely for it and the charlatan finds a market for his wares. +He does not like the plain truth bluntly stated. No one does. We +do not admire those who wrestle and strive with us. Nevertheless, +they alone strengthen our muscles and, hence-- + + . . . + +Verily I say: "Ye who listen with credulity to the whispers of +fancy, and pursue with eagerness the phantom of hope--who expect +that age will perform the promises of youth, and that the +deficiencies of the present day will be supplied by the morrow," +need not attend to the history of Rasselas, Prince of Abyssinia, +except for the passing pleasure of the reading, because the story +can be told in fewer words, to wit: Happiness is a personal +equation--"what is one man's meat is another man's poison." +Rasselas found the Happy Valley irksome and intolerable. There +never has been a Happy Valley since that could furnish continuous +content to any one. The nearest approach to happiness comes with +juxtaposition to one's tastes and aspirations. The simpler the +tastes and the less discursive the aspirations, the nearer +happiness comes and the longer it remains. Happiness does not +come from conditions or surroundings, nor are these conditions or +surroundings always understood. Actual conditions do not reveal +themselves to perspicacity much less to casual observation. +The multi-millionaire in his mansion or the king on his throne, +surrounded by all the comforts and conveniences, all the +marvelous treasures, all that is pleasing to the eye and to the +senses, may not be happy--may be unhappy. The rustic who follows +the plow through furrowed fields, unkempt, clownish, +toil-stained, weary and overworked, may brawl raucous roundelay +at even-tide and enjoy the fullness of earthly bliss. His +neighbor similarly situated may suffer agonies because his tastes +and ambitions are higher. Those who imagine "plow hands" have no +ambitions to gratify know little of life. Sometimes they aspire +to be presidents, and sometimes they gratify those aspirations, +but they never know happiness. They may be as wise as a dozen +Solons, but they can not provide happiness by legislation. They +may reach the summit of earthly glory and strive to seize the +fulgurant prize that lured them on, only to find a penumbra--the +shadow of a shade. And if conditions are actually known they +prove nothing, generally. Each case must be specialized. Children +and grown people, for that matter, are subjected to involuntary +fasts and oftimes go hungry, in fact are always hungry, but they +suffer less and are healthier than those who are stuffed and +pampered and sated. The joy of eating when food comes compensates +for the previous scantiness of the fare. There are deaths from +insufficient alimentation; ten to one are the deaths traceable to +over-feeding. There is suffering for lack of food. There is ten +to one more suffering by gouty and dyspeptic gourmands. The +beggar shivers in the cold for lack of clothing; there is ten to +one more suffering from over-swathing. For pain, actual, +excrutiating; for pain invincible, somber and unutterable, one +proud woman reduced to a last season's frock suffers more than +twenty arrayed in customary rags and tatters. God tempers the +wind to the shorn lamb, but not to the dowdy woman. The occupant +of the cottage or cabin as he hurries home on Saturday night with +his hard-earned store perhaps envies the occupant of the mansion +where lights burn brightly and music fills the air, but the +master of the mansion may be driven to the verge of insanity in +an unequal contest to keep up appearances and a style of living +that is grinding his heart into dust. Gladly, he thinks, he would +court the modest shelter of the cottage or cabin but, alas! +sorrow and suffering, want and wickedness might follow him there. +From natal bed to mortuary box happiness escapes us--the faster, +the more we pursue it. + +We mistake appearances for realities and misbestow our sympathy. +Had some of the more tender-hearted met Audubon when he returned +from one of his trips in the forests, his clothing in shreds, his +shoes gone, travel- stained and unkempt, alms would have been +unhesitatingly bestowed. And how amused would the great man have +been! He was too great to have been irritated. If, as it is +claimed, human happiness is the aim and object of +philanthropists, they seek the unattainable and destroy that +which they would save. A sudden wrenching from the one condition +to another is misery. The eagle would rather starve in his native +forests than feast in a cage. The Indian maiden who graduates at +Carlisle and who captures all the medals, returns to her blanket +and the dirt, dogs and squalor of her tribe as soon as she +reaches the reservation. There is a strain of the Huckleberry +Finn in all natures that resents a too sudden metamorphosis and +which will return to its rags, its back alley and empty cask. +Charlatans of the law and of literature inculcate the idea that a +change in conditions means the acquisition of unqualified bliss, +and they assume that the poor are necessarily unhappy and +endeavor to convince them--not a difficult task, that it is the +fault of someone else that they are not rich! Folly! The +hod-carrier and helot who works from dawn to dusk, who goes in +rags, who fares on coarsest food, whose wife and children live in +squalor, may be considered unhappy, but they never experience +real suffering, acute, unasuageable, poignant grief, until they +become possessed of money and mansions and modern grandeur, only +to find themselves coldly isolated. Sudden wealth has made them +too grand for their former friends, it cannot secure them +entrance into the society which they would affect, or, if it +does, they find themselves ill at ease, out of place, miserable. +Those who imagine that all bliss comes from lucre or legislation +know little and are "ignorant of their own ignorance." They do +not know that "our own felicity we make is final, and that +through the cultivation of individual inherency and personal +sufficiency. They listen to the charlatans who, on the plea of +bringing balm, inflict incurable wounds; who would bring +happiness by sowing the dragon's teeth of discontent. "Coal-Oil +Johnny," who threw away hundreds of thousands of suddenly +acquired dollars, was a philosopher. The money put him out of +harmony with himself. It was to him a curse. And he wisely rid +himself of it. There is peace and pleasure in the jangling +discord and in the pains of effort, a peace which, otherwise, the +world can not give, a pleasure found nowhere else; and this peace +and pleasure are not to be sought by effort; are not to be +attained by effort; but are found in the effort itself. There is +pleasure in dressing a field or in painting a house, but not in +the dressed field or in the painted house. In other words, there +is pleasure in individual assertiveness and not in inertia. No +doubt either Calypso or Circe was more attractive than Penelope, +but Ulysses was not content. He had to continue his wanderings +even to his own home, and when he had killed of all the suitors +and was restored to his diplomatic spouse, there were doubtless +days when he wished himself back with the enchantress on the +lovely isle--days when he would have changed places with his +father, Sisyphus, and rolled the ever returning stone with will +and energy. Ease and passivity were a torture to him. + +A picture of life is painted by that wonderful artist, Gabrielle +d'Annunzio, in "The Triumph of Death." Yes, I hear the hurtling +of such missles as "decadent," "obscene," "vulgar," "impious." +Nevertheless d'Annunzio is one of the great masters. His pigments +may be mud or muck. His brush is the brush of an Angelo. His +finished product is life itself, breathing, pulsing life, through +which the blood rushes loud enough to be heard. Life in all its +phases, from the loftiest to the lowliest. Demetrius, wealthy, +scholarly, meditative, one would suppose needed no legislation or +literature to make him happy. He possessed all the world had to +give. "A mild, meditative man, with a face full of virile +melancholy, and a single white curl in the center of his forehead +among the black hair, giving him an old appearance." He sought +earnestly and sedulously for the secret meaning of life. He tried +to reach and unravel its symbols and allegories; he tried to +interpret the furtive gestures which he beheld in the shadows, +and he passed into deeper shadows and more oppressive +silences through the ghastly gates of suicide, while his idiotic +sister remained to chatter and grimace. Jaconda remained +gibbering and pleased with the world and with herself. George saw +this and he saw many other things which he could not understand. +He saw "Oreste of Chapelles" firing the simple minds of the +people to fanaticism as he went up and down like a fury. He saw +the pilgrims at the sanctuary and the beggars and cripples on his +return from the sanctuary to Cassalbordino--horrible monsters, +not fashioned, or scarce fashioned in God's image, and he saw +that they had their families and their belongings with them, that +they piteously plead for alms and that they danced and sung, +cursed and caroused, made merry over the deformities of each +other, and presented a phase of life wholly incomprehensible. +Laws or literature could not increase their happiness. Their +apparent miseries were not real. He saw Colas, ignorant, stupid, +superstitious, but content. He saw Candia, proud of her +fecundity, slaving, singing. He saw Favetta, the young singer +with the falcon-like eyes, the idol of her friends, simple, +modest, happy. He saw the peasants in their mysterious rites +"consecrating the nativity of bread" in the harvest field. They +needed neither laws nor literature to improve their condition. +They were the happiest of mortals. And he saw the dark tragedies +of this remote world. Liberata carrying her dead child on her +head to the burial place. No laws or literature for her, poor +woman: her baby was dead and her reason was gone. He saw +Riccangela, the widow, on the beach, with her large rough hands, +pouring forth her heart in a wild monody over the remains of her +puny boy, who was drowned, while the homicidal sea chanted a +lugubrious accompaniment or mocked the agony of the song. George +sought the meaning and the key to life's mysteries and found them +not. Subjective study and spiritual contemplation drove him mad. +They had driven his uncle Demetrious mad. He recoiled from them +and plunged into life as he found it, endeavoring to extract from +it the honey of happiness, or at least, immunity from misery. If +carnalism could furnish content, one would think George would +have found it. Rich to opulence, young, idle, he met Hippolyte, +"a compound of pale amber and dull gold in which were mingled +perhaps a few tints of faded roses." He won her and subjected +her, "the bloodless, wounded creature who used to submit with +profound astonishment, the ignorant and frightened creature who +had given him that fierce and divine spectacle--the agony of +modesty felled by vicious passion." He idolized her and idealized +her in the struggle for perfect bliss. He took her to the +deserted abbey and placed on "the summit of the high marble +candelabra which had not heard the voice of the light for +centuries," where she burned before his eye in the +inextinguishable and silent flame of her love, and, as he +believed, illuminating the meditations of his soul. Folly! His +apotheosis was a farce. She developed, but not spiritually. What +he supposed was a pure flame of love proved to be a base erotic +fever. The bloom of pudicity was brushed off. She acquired a +strange power over him; she, the once innocent and frightened +creature. "She possessed the infallible science and knew her +lover's most secret and subtle sensibilities and knew how to move +them with a marvelous intuition of the physical conditions that +depend on them and their corresponding sensations and their +association and their alternatives." And from the thing of beauty +and light, seen with enraptured eyes as she stood "on the summit +of the marble candelabra which had not heard the voice of the +light for centuries, she became a loved and hated thing, "the +flower of concupiscence," "an instrument of low lasciviousness." +The union of these two, perfect in all outward appearances, +blessed with love and leisure, beauty and youth, and all that +wealth could buy, was a mocking and a delusion because lacking in +spirituality, because unsanctified and unholy. It was a +monstrous tragedy, this union, presented on a stage of ashes +over a volcano. (Unions in polite society, where forms are +observed, laws obeyed and customs followed, but where the moving +impulse is sordid, where the marriage is for money or for +social position, do they, too, not drift toward mutual hate and +abhorrence, to divorce or death? I only ask the question. There +may be more Georges and Hippolytes in the world than we care to +admit). When at last he discovered his true condition, when he +realized that he was in her power that he could not live with her +or without her, that she obstructed his way of life and his way +to death, he caught her in his arms and hurled both over the +precipice upon the rocks below, making a ghastly ending for a +ghastly tragedy. No law or literature could have brought +happiness to him. He sought it in the various ways, in every way +but the one, simple and only right way--the effort to confer +happiness on others. Frantic intoxications, the culminations of +carnal pleasures, which amount to unspeakable ecstasies, are mere +temporations which are followed by lassitude, exhaustion and +disgust, and these soon turn to a fiercely implacable hate. The +search for happiness, when carried to the extreme, becomes a +torture. The desire for happiness is selfish, and selfishness is +never happy. Happiness dispensed is like bread cast upon the +water, and will return after many days. Those who seek it stray +from it. All laws and all literature that arouse the spirit of +discontent, of selfishness and of desire for happiness, are +vicious because they defeat the very object which they seek to +accomplish, and make people more miserable than they were by +increasing their capacity for suffering without a coexistent +power to gratify the desires aroused. What is this George Eliot +puts into the mouth of the radical, Felix Holt? "This world is +not a very fine place for a good many of the people in it. But +I've made up my mind it shan't be the worse for me if I can help +it. They tell me I can't alter the world--that there must be a +certain number of sneaks and robbers in it, and if I don't lie +and filch somebody else will. Well, then, somebody else shall, +for I won't--I will never be one of the sleeks dogs--I would +never choose to withdraw myself from the labor and common burden +of the world; but I do choose to withdraw myself from the rush +and scramble for money and position. Any man is at liberty to +call me a fool, and say that mankind are benefitted by the push +and scramble in the long run, but I care for the people who are +alive now and will not be living when the long run comes. I +prefer to go shares with the unlucky." + +Irrefragible philosophy! The true and the wise proceed not to +stir up the lees of passion and greed and avarice and ambition. +They remain with the world, go with it in its devious ways and +through its torturous windings, removing the thorns and briars +from before naked feet, shielding the weak, sheltering the naked, +encouraging and dispensing light and hope and love. The true and +wise who love their fellows avoid strife and carnage, and +conflict with the ineluctable, but they meet the inevitable +calmly and courageously. They are superior to laws and +literature. They are supremely blest. Memphis. Tenn., November +10. + + * * * +TOMMIE WATSON'S TOMMYROT. + +Somebody whom I have never harmed sends me an A. P. A. tract +entitled "A Good Catholic," and issued by Tommy Watson, who once +tried to run for vice-president on the Middle-of-the-Muck +ticket--for the purpose of turning back the reform tide and +electing the humble peon of the gold-buggers, high-tariffites and +trusts. Tommie's Ape tract is simply an "ad." for a weekly paper +which he seems to be getting out all by his little self somewhere +in Gooberdom. On the front elevation of this bombshell with which +he expects to blow the Vatican across the yellow Tiber, the +statement is made in display type that, for the trifling sum of +one dollar in hand paid, "You can read the brilliant, patriotic +editorials of Hon. Thos. E. Watson" for an entire year--granting, +of course, that their Promethean brilliancy fail to set your +shirt-tail afire in the meantime. There is no provision for the +return of your money in case Tommie's exhuberant patriotism +should overpower you. We are then assured that "no Roman Pope or +American Cardinal can coerce" the architect of the "brilliant and +patriotic editorials" aforesaid. Now that's the kind of a man I +admire! Hang a Georgia editor, say I, who sells himself to the +Pope of Rome for six bits, or rushed around to an American +Cardinal every morning before breakfast with the proof-sheets of +his labored lucubrations, humbly asking permission to print. The +brilliant and patriotic editor of a Georgia paper having a paid +circulation of 710 copies can not be too independent. It is his +solemn duty to keep watch and ward over this country and promptly +put a kibosh on every conspiracy of the Pope. Like most brilliant +patriots, Tommie has sacrificed a very great deal for conscience +sake. When he tried to save the country by playing second tail to +the Bryan kite for the purpose of dividing the reform forces and +electing a Republican president, the Pope and all his "priest-led +citizens" straddled his collar, rode him into an open grave and +piled a cathedral on top of him to hold him down--at least I +suppose they did from the way in which this raucous little Buzfuz +is chewing the rag. Had he been "A Good Catholic" he would have +been elected with votes to burn; for did not Dick Bland have to +hide out in the Ozark hills to escape the presidential nomination +the moment it was rumored that his wife was a "Romanist"? Did not +Generals Sherman and Sheridan have to insulate themselves to +avoid the presidential lightnings which played around them +continuously because they were Catholics? Sure! Tommie is +doubtless correct in his assertion that the Pope controls +American politics and dictates every act of congress. That is +amply proven by the fact that after all these years the Catholics +have a representative in the president's cabinet. That all +Catholics are sworn enemies of this republic and peons of the +Pope is demonstrated by the fact that the "Romish" +attorney-general refused to permit his people to erect at their +own expense a chapel on government ground at West Point--the +general public being taxed meanwhile to maintain an Episcopal +clergyman at that place. Tommy protests that he is both a Baptist +and devoid of bigotry. If he can make this claim good I will +undertake to secure for him an engagement at $1,000 a day in a +dime museum as the greatest curio ever seen in this country. +Doubtless there are many good people who are Baptists but God's +sunlight never fell upon one who was not a bigot. The man who +concedes that it is possible for one to reach heaven except he be +soused bodily into some sacred slop-tub is not a Baptist. If he +thinks he is, he has made a faulty diagnosis of his disease. The +Baptist church breeds bigotry just as a dead mule does magots. It +dominates politics wherever it is strong enough to do so. It +boycotts every publisher who dares suggest that it doesn't +hold the one only key to heaven. It is the sworn foe of +Catholicism, yet not one of its members in a million has the +remotest idea what Catholicism means. It assumes that the great +body of Catholics are ignorant clowns, while itself absorbing 60 +per cent. of the illiterates of this land. The more ignorant an +animal is the more bigoted Baptist it is likely to be. I cannot +at present think of a single American of distinction who was a +member of that denomination. I have passed in mental review the +great American statesmen, soldiers, authors and inventors, and +find only one among them who was web-footed. Garfield was a +Campbellite--and had he not been murdered no one would have +suspected that he was a great man. If any of the immortelles was +of the Baptist persuasion he was probably ashamed of that fact, +as he kept it concealed. It is possible that in soaking the +original sin out of a fellow any latent germs of genius he +possesses may be extracted also. Tommie solemnly assures us that +Catholics dare not read a book or paper that has not been +formally approved by the Pope. What a foolish falsehood! +I'll wager a pint of peanuts that Watson cannot name half a dozen +American books, papers or magazines that bear the Papal +imprimatur, and another pint of the same luscious circus fruit +that even his own rabid A.P.A. rot has never been placed in the +index prohibitorius. If it is not there every Catholic in this +country is privileged to read it without consulting Rome. Of the +most bigoted sect of pseudo- religious fanatics that ever cursed +this country the Hon. Tommie Watson is perhaps the most +intolerant and narrow-brained little blatherskite. And the worst +of it all is that while in religion he's a fool, in politics he's +a knave. While pretending that the cause of the common people was +the apple of his eye, he lent himself to a scheme to defeat their +tribune and elect a ligneous-headed hiccius-doctius owned soul +and body by Mark Hanna, the "industrial cannibal." Bryan would be +president to-day but for this busy little blabster whom accident +placed in a position where he could betray the people. Avaunt! +thou contumacious little coyote, thou pestiferous pole-cat. +Benedict Arnold was a gentleman when compared to you, for his +treason was open and avowed, while you stabbed the cause of the +people in a friendly embrace, struck in the back. You have had no +parallel since Judas Iscariot conspired with the plutocracy to +betray the idol of the people--and even Judas had decency enough +to hang himself as expiation for his infamy. Shut up, thou +hatchet-faced, splenetic-hearted, narrow-headed little hypocrite, +for verily the world is aweary of Tommie Watson. His "brilliant +and patriotic editorials" are used only to underlay carpets, +paper pantry shelvest and for purposes less polite. I cheerfully +risk my reputation as a prophet on the prediction that in less +than two years his windy little "reform" paper will go to the +bone-pile. Tommie, you are the pin-worm of American politics--a +more aggravating little parasite than even Miltonius Park. Take a +gentleman's advice and apply the soft pedal to your wheezy +calliope--get off the political stage in time to avoid the coming +cataclysm of sphacelated cabbage and has-been cats. The day of +your destiny's over and the star of your fate is in the +mullagatawny. You are simply a fragment of worthless political +seaweed cast with flabby jelly fish and dead sting rays upon an +inhospitable shore, there to rot and befoul the atmosphere. You +have "a very ancient and fishlike smell, a smell not of the +newest." You may howl a lung out, but will only evoke laughter or +disgust. Occasionally some lonely Middle-of-the-Roader, dragging +his No. 12's painfully through the dust may turn to look at you, +perhaps toss you a dime; but you are politically dead. You may +play the Baptist racket for all it is worth; but the brethren +while long on zeal are shy on boodle. Even Jehovah Boanerges +Cranfill, the champion leg elongator of the universe, finds it +hard work to keep fat in the Baptist field--must add professional +beggary to his schemes of predacity. You may tie your abortive +little paper to the tail of the "Ape," but that animal is too +weak in the hinder legs to pull it out of a financial hole. Go +plug yourself. Shuck your long-tailed hand-me-down Albert +Edward, trade your paper for a double-shovel plow, gird up your +yarn galluses and make a reasonable effort to earn an honest +living. Had you expended half the nervo-muscular energy in the +cotton patch that you have wasted in working your jaw-bone you +would have money to burn. Mene mene tekel upharsim--which means +that you are entirely too light at both ends. + + + +PILLS AND POLITICS. + +My attention has been called by several disgusted doctors to one +Jay Jay Lawrence who tacks A.M., M.D. to his patronymic, +evidently as an anchor to hold it to the earth. Jay Jay and his +vestibule-train title are conducting a sickly concern at St. +Louis, sporting the euphonious cognomen of The Medical Brief, a +monthly devoted to patent medicine and politics, blue ointment +and economics, vermifuge and philosophy. Although Jay Jay finds +it necessary to mix display ads with his reading matter to make +the latter palatable, he declares that his painful monthly +emission has "the largest circulation of any medical magazine in +the world"--thereby indicating that while his mentality may be +atrophied, his imagination is intumescent. I have long noticed +that journals having large bonafide circulations do little +tooting of their own horns on the house-tops--they don't have to. +It is a species of journalistic quackery which every +thorough-bred publisher regards with contemptuous pity. Brains +win, in the journalistic world as elsewhere, and "blowing" a +circulation were equivalent to employing a brass band to call +attention to the abnormal size of the editorial encephalon. Still +I wouldn't be without Jay Jay's truly remarkable magazine for ten +times the money. I haven't a very high opinion of it as a medical +authority, as it has "Cagliostro" written on it from cover to +cover; but as a humorous journal it is 'way ahead of anything +since the "Wax Wurx" of Artemus Ward. When I weary of the +professional fun-makers, when I tire of laughing at Brer. +Rockefeller's heroic attempt to suppress the ICONOCLAST by +excluding it from his little gate-system railroad; when the +senatorial candidacy of Chollie-Boy Culberson becomes a weariness +to the spirit, and the Texas Baptist convention, with its stage +accessories of snuffles and snot develops into nux vomica, I can +turn to Jay Jay's flamboyant cyclopedia of misinformation and +observe with ever increasing interest the attempts of ye able +editor to diagnose the disease of the body politic and steer it +clear of the funeral director. Jay Jay is evidently not a +progressive practitioner, for he is trying to save the country +exactly as Gulliver's Lagado Galen tried to cure a dog of +wind-colic. I note with unalloyed pleasure that the Brief has +contributors to its medical department, at Purdon, Cove and +Dilworth, Texas, Jones, Switch and Burnsville, Ala., Nassawadox, +Va., Salt Springs, Mo., Claypool, Ky. and other great centers of +therapeutical information indicating that it spares no pains to +give its patrons the worth of their money without adding any +tea-store chromos or electric belly-bands by way of rebate. But +it is not the startling discoveries of these doctors, not the +sophomoric essays of new-fledged Hippocrati now struggling +manfully with buck-ague, snake bite and new babies at Nassawadox, +Jones' Switch and elsewhere that constitute the chief charm of +Jay Jay's versatile journal. The feature of most interest to the +lay reader is the political homilies of the editor himself. Not +only are they deeply interesting to the hoi polloi, but +invaluable from a therapeutical standpoint, being successfully +employed in cases of itch, smallpox, etc. as a counter irritant. +I opine that one of these read in a loud voice to an Egyptian +mummy would result in its immediate resurrection. If it had the +faintest conception of humor it would wake up long enough to +laugh, and if it hadn't it would come to life for the express +purpose of hitting Jay Jay Lawrence, A.M., M.D., across the +sterno cleidomastoidens with a well-seasoned obelisk. It is +impossible to reproduce the flavor of this intellectual +hippocampus' politico-economic emulsions, they being evidently +compounded with thaumaturgis incantations while he is surrounded +with jars of jalap, pile remedies, aphrodisiacs and patent liver +pills. They should be labelled allopathic purgatives and kept +tightly corked. In the copy before me Jay Jay assured his +readers--who are supposed to be numerous as the sands of the sea, +but are probably confined to himself and his country +contributors--that there is a Russo-Franco-Germanic alliance +against England and that it is the sacred duty of America to come +to the rescue of her muchly-beloved "mother country," lest the +'orrid bawbawians make 'way with the old woman, overturn the +civilization of all the centuries and rip human liberty up by the +roots. What my contemporary seems to need is a mild cathartic +that will move his brain--say about a tablespoonful of Theodorus' +Anticyrian hellebore. The continental powers will not harm +England so long as the old harlot behaves herself, but there's no +denying that they are becoming dead-tired of her predacity and +impudence. If the senescent old British lion attempts any funny +business with the Russian bear it is liable to lose its +umbilicus, and the surgical operation will be performed without +the use of anaesthetics. If John Bull gets his proboscis +ingloriously bumped it will be none of Uncle Sam's +business--unless the gentleman in the Star-spangled cut-a-way +happens to be the party of the first part in the bumping +business. Just why we should expend blood and treasure fighting +the battles of the old buccaneer only an Anglomaniacal doctor +enervated by his own dope could possibly imagine. Russia has ever +been our friend, England our foe. The sympathies of Russia are +with Republican France, with Republican America--the hand of +England has ever been against the world. She has ruthlessly +despoiled wherever and whenever she possessed the power, while +slavishly obsequious when confronted by equal force. "Human +liberty," your gran-dam! How long has it been since England +repealed the Test Act?--since she granted political equality to +Jews?--to Catholics? In this respect she even legged behind the +Ottoman Empire. She is the only "Christian" nation on earth +to-day that sanctions human slavery. There are still fools extant +who imagine that all the liberties enjoyed by Americans were +inherited from "dear old England"; while the fact remains that in +the matter of liberty England has been following 50 to 75 years +behind the United States ever since the Flag o' Freedom first +adorned the atmosphere. But it is when Jay Jay ribs himself up +with a powerful nervine and tackles government by injunction that +he really rises into the realm of pure humor--becomes serious, so +to speak. He inadvertently leaks the information that labor +organizations "are animated by anarchistic impulses, their chief +desire is to force property owners to divide with them or lose +their property"; and naively adds: "the injunction is really a +guarantee of individual liberty." Sure! It guarantees to +employers the right to combine to lower wages below the +starvation point, while preventing those who are thus despoiled +seeking the cooperation of their fellows in an attempt to right +the wrong by the simple expedient of taking leave of their tools. +It guarantees to workmen the liberty to be shot down like dogs +for peaceably assembling and walking unarmed on the public +highway--for asking other men to cease work until there is a +better adjustment of wages. Of course a man who isn't willing to +work in a coal mine for 90 cents a day, who lays down his pick +and asks better pay, is an anarchist who is trying to drive other +people to divide with him their property. Jay Jay is so much +wiser than all the labor organizations in the land, than the +framers of our fundamental law, than a majority of the American +judiciary, a--veritable Daniel come to judgment. Give him a crown +as large as that of King Midas, which was designed to hide the +ears of an ass. It is, however, when he assails W. J. Bryan that +he becomes intensely interesting. According to this learned +Theban, Bryan is a Populist and Populists are people who do not +pay their doctor bills. They call the M.D. out of his comfortable +bed at 2 g.m., and after he has frozen his nose and toes to puke +or purge 'em they refuse to even haul him a cord o' slippery-elm +firewood or a load o' pumpkins in payment, but, accuse him of +incompetence! 'Ow 'orrible! Jay Jay must have obtained his +information from those forks of the creek medicos who constitute +the chief contributors to his columns--and who would probably +encounter fewer charges of incompetence if they expended less +time in scribbling "rot" and more in careful reading. Still I can +scarce refrain from weeping over such a tale o' woe. In the +terse vernacular of the "mother country," hit touches me +'eart--so much so that I hereby authorize anybody to whom W. J. +Bryan owes a doctor bill to draw on me for the amount. If he +doesn't owe anybody a doctor bill it follows, according to Jay +Jay's diagnosis, that he is not a Populist--may be a +dyed-in-the-wool Democrat. Classing Bryan and his followers as +Populists, then denouncing all Populists as chronic dead-beats, +must be very soothing to a majority of the medical men of the +West and South, but it is about what might be expected of a man +so infamously ignorant that he calls England our mother country, +so idiotic that he would have us take up arms for the +international pirate in the name of human liberty. The best thing +Jay Jay Lawrence, A.M., M.D., can do is to apply a ten-horse +power poultice to his head and see if he cannot draw a few brains +into that resounding hollow. In the meantime he should eschew +politics and confine himself to the publication of essays by +village doctors and the exploitation of patent medicines. When he +next feels an impulse creeping on to invade the realm of +economics he should chloroform it, or hit it with a club. + + * * * +BEHIND THE SCENES IN ST. LOUIS. + +BY ISEULT KUYK. + +Col. Robert Ingersoll once said of the city of St. Louis that, as +to Missouri, it was "a diamond pin in a dirty shirt." I will not +maintain the immaculateness of the shirt; but the diamond has +flaws, and is, in some respects, as a gem not far removed from +the "phony." + +They call St. Louis "the solid city." It is solid. Also stolid. +It's a little Chinese. It regards the stranger as the enemy. In +St. Louis they don't gather in the stranger and skin him, as they +do in Chicago; but if he happens to have four dollars to invest +he is regarded as having designs upon the coagulated capital of a +select assortment of "stiffs," known as leading citizens. If he +have brains, they dicker with him and let him in on their deals +for a share in his. St. Louis is a close corporation. Less than +twenty men run it. Jim Campbell, Dave Francis, Geo. A. Madill, +Sam Kennard, Ed. Butler, Charlie Maffit, John Sculin, Edwards +Wittaker, Thomas H. West, Julius S. Walsh, George E. Leighton and +a few more own the town. They dare do anything. They control the +banks, the trust companies, the street railroads, the gas works, +the telephone franchises and the newspapers. Almost all the +ability in the town is engaged in their service. They gather it +in as it develops, and the multitude is made vassal to them. They +own everything in St. Louis worth owning. They are the local +nobility. They can crush anyone who ventures to oppose their +desires. When they war among themselves they manage that no +interloper shall come in for a share of the spoils. They unite +against the newcomer and crucify him. They control municipal +legislation. They buy aldermen like cattle. The city is at their +mercy. They are all religious and moral men; their crookedness is +purely commercial and political. Their different monopolies +oppress the town, and the press is their tool. Most newspaper +warfares upon them are mere "blinds" to draw off public attention +to one quarter, while they gobble up something valuable in +another. + +St. Louis has had a reputation for a long time, for public +spirit. It's there all right, but it is public spirit for private +gain. Take the exposition. A job. Public money built the +structure. The city gave the ground, right in the heart of the +business-district-to-be. All the subscribers are frozen out but a +few shrewd ones own the whole business. They have a piece of +property worth at least eight million dollars. It is untaxed. +They rake in the coin accruing from the exposition. They work the +public up into supporting the venture, and three or four men in +large retail stores get all the benefit. They advertise their +private business by their public spirit, in capturing an +enterprise that in its inception was somewhat communal in +character. + +St. Louis boasts of her fine Planters Hotel. Well, eight or ten +men have confidenced the public out of that property, and its +stupendous increment. Once there was subscribed $600,000 for what +are known as the Fall Festivities. There were illuminations for a +few years, and the Veiled Prophet pageant still survives; but +there has been no accounting for the $600,000 that anyone has +been able to understand. It is a legend in St. Louis that a large +wad of the $600,000 was invested in the Planters Hotel, in the +names of the individuals who made up the Fall Festivities +Association. They are drawing from the splendid institution the +earning upon money raised by miscellaneous public subscription. +No paper dare take up these matters and discuss them. If one were +to do so, it would not have five advertisements of the leading +retail dealers in anything in the whole city. Col. Charles H. +Jones, when editor of the Post-Dispatch, once criticized Mr. Sam +Kennard for something, and forthwith Barr, Nugent, Crawford, +Scruggs, Vandervoort and Barney, and the other big dealers +withdrew their patronage in order to prevent his making the sum +of money each year prescribed in his contract with Joseph +Pulitzer as the sine qua non to his retention of his place. They +drove him out of journalism finally. You've got to stand in with +all this gang, or go to the wall. The only person who gets +anything from them is the person who will do their work. + +You go to the city hall in St. Louis, the old one, which looks +like a rickety tobacco warehouse, or the new one, which is a +realization in material of a bad dream consequent upon too much +rarebit, and you might as well be in Berlin. You are lost without +an interpreter. You must talk German or a Joe Emmet dialect, to +make yourself understood. Money only doesn't have to talk German +at the city hall. That is transferred without being translated. +The mayor of the town talks, in his public addresses, a lingo +that would make the fortune of a vaudeville comedian of the Dutch +Daly stripe; and his son, who is his secretary, has the +physiognomical symptoms of intellectuality that you might expect +in a dude who eats with his knife, or any Brummel of "the bad +lands." The lower branch of the municipal legislature is a +bedlam. Its sessions are eruptions of obscenity. Talk is indulged +in that would cause the ejectment of the talker from a bawdy- +house parlor. The august body never rouses into activity save +over some measure with "stuff" in it. The combine will take as +low as twenty-five dollars to beat or pass a bill. They introduce +bills to induce the franchise holding syndicates to put up money +to kill them, and business is at its best when two or three +street railroad bosses can be led into bidding against each other +for the passage or defeat of some measure. The St. Louis house of +delegates is as fine a gang of rapacious ruffians as ever invited +mob law in an American city. + +Politics in St. Louis is practiced by the pimps and pothouse +habitues, just as in other cities. Two of the best known office +holders in the city have been accused publicly of stealing $1,200 +that was given them to support a measure for capitol removal at +the last general election. They got the money to divide among the +members of the city committee, and no member of that body ever +saw a copper of it. The check was cashed, however. The governor +appointed to their present offices the men who got the money. + +It costs more to conduct the city government of St. Louis than it +costs proportionately to govern New York. The town is overrun +with an army of men drawing salaries, and few sober breaths, but +doing nothing else. The present head of government when he left +the office of city collector, lost or destroyed his books, that +they might tell no tale of the monstrous malfeasance of his +administration. Corporations were held up for sums that never +appeared on the books. Instead of paying licenses and taxes, +merchants, manufacturers, saloon keepers, brewers and others paid +tribute to the then subordinates of the present mayor. Corruption +is rampant all through the city government. Every one knows it; +but no one feels like expressing it for the reason that such +exposures are "chestnuts" to the St. Louisan. There have been +reform waves in every large city in the Union, now and then. In +St. Louis, never. The syndicate of snappers that holds the +franchises won't have it. Reform doesn't go. They want the old +gang they have been dealing with, in power. No matter which gang +dominates, Democrat or Republican, the syndicate owns them. It +doesn't like the prospect of dealing with strangers. It likes to +buy over and over again the same old crowd to enact or defeat +certain bills. When the gang in power is Democratic, Ed Butler +does the buying. When the gang is Republican, Chauncey I. Filley +takes the money and dictates what his creatures shall do. Butler +disgorges something; Filley nothing. Butler deals with Filley +when Filley has fooled the people into electing his men, and vice +versa. It is Croker and Platt over again on a smaller scale. +These two men have all the corporations by their throats. They +are both men of genius in their line, commanding an insane +devotion among the slums and a certain amount of admiration and +awe, from among the wealthy, if not the respectable, of that +city. + +The St. Louis police force is demoralized by politics. Robberies +and burglaries multiply. Purse-snatching from women by white and +black ruffians is sunk to a mere commonplace in the daily +newspaper reports. Thieves flourish, and are protected by petty +politicians. Real estate dealers work the police department about +once a year to chase the prostitutes out of one section of town +into another. It's all a job. The prostitutes pay big rents, $60 +per month for a house that would rent to decent people for $25. +One crowd of agents gets the upper hand and starts an agitation +to get the "girls" out of the district they occupy into another, +in which the agents interested have a great many empty houses. +After a time another real estate combination is made, and the +poor bawds have to move again. Result of this? Many of the women +open assignation houses in the West End, or go "living decent" +under some man's care in that quarter, make the acquaintance of +good women, and innocent girls, and collect a "maiden tribute" +from among the latter for numerous old rakes who prefer the +sexually initiative to the referendum in the case of women in the +territory known as "tamale town." Kept women, the mistresses of +men driven from downtown, have been known to ingratiate +themselves, in the West End, with women moving in the very best +society. And all this to enable a few real estate men to rent at +exorbitant figures a few ramshackle houses to the women who must +stay "on the town." + +St. Louis society is not so bad and vulgar as society in some +other cities. The city is so much like a village that no +opportunity is afforded for intrigue or depravity among the swell +set. Every one in St. Louis knows the business of every one else. +A woman cannot "go wrong" without being discovered. Most of the +details that you hear about the corruption of St. Louis society +are imagination wholly. There is a great deal of excessive +drinking at functions among women, but it is said that this is +notable rather because of the amount the girls can stand without +showing it than because of its prompting them to ribald +Terpsichorean evolutions. The world outside the swell set hears +occasionally of some girl who patronizes the punch bowl until she +falls into hysterics, but as a rule the up-to-date St. Louis girl +can "carry a load" with much dignity and grace. + +St. Louis society is cheap and garish in spots. Some of the newly +rich are unbearably snobbish. The Granite Mountain set carries +its nose in the air most heinously and its chief female +representative is celebrated for her absurd malapropisms. There +is but one "fast" set in the town and that "fast" set is looked +down upon quite generally and quite sincerely. It is composed of +gay young married women who affect the Bohemian by drinking +cocktails in public and cutting up at the Jockey Club. One of the +members of this last set is the daughter-in-law of a Missouri +senator and a very pretty woman. Another of this set is the woman +who was voted the best dressed woman at the horse show in a +newspaper scheme. Her father is a millionaire doctor and her +husband is a thoroughbred. It cannot be said even of this set, +however, that it is fast in the immoral sense in which that word +usually is employed. It is gay and the women are only unfortunate +in having nothing to do and in dispelling weariness by silly and +flashy pranks in a social way. + +There are some awfully funny society people in St. Louis. For +instance, I am told that one of the women who has recently +blossomed into the society columns is the wife of a millionaire +lumber man who lives in a swell place and whose stinginess is +peculiar in that it applies to everything but the feeing of the +reporters who write up his wife and daughter. There is another +woman whose burst into society has occasioned a great deal of +comment of late. She is the wife of a cattleman and certainly not +well trained in the graces, but she has her name in the papers +continually by virtue of presents of such things as bolts of silk +to society editresses. The wife of one of the police +commissioners, who used to be the widow of a former mayor, is a +fearful and wonderful matron in her methods of attaining +distinction. She dresses gorgeously at all public occasions and +has more color than a spectacular show at the theater. St. Louis +society is dull and unintellectual. As a rule, however, it does +not mask any corruption. There are not enough men in society to +give opportunity for corruption. Nowhere in the country are there +so many pretty girls without admirers. They have to go to the +theaters with their own fathers and brothers. The few men in +society are a lot of "cheap skates" who can not repay their +social obligations in the fashion supposed to prevail among them. +The St. Louis society belle has no good time of it. She doesn't +get rushed to any great extent at any time, and this is the more +remarkable because the wealthy girls are as much neglected as the +poor but pretty ones. St. Louis is the finest field in the world +for a man with nothing who wants to marry money. St. Louis +society doesn't patronize the theaters extensively. It is not +appreciative of music. It doesn't care for art. It is hopelessly +unaesthetical as a whole. The picture dealers, music dealers and +book sellers declare that their patrons come mostly from the +people who are not in the swell set. A peculiarity of St. Louis +society is that its members are as a rule procreative. There is +no suppression of increase and multiplication such as prevail in +the swell mob in other cities. A woman in St. Louis is not +disgraced by having three or four babies. As a rule also St. +Louis society women are not disposed to set up a rigid standard +of exclusiveness. They have taken up recently the wife of a young +man who was a singer with the Bostonians and it is the fad at +present to rave over her. The whole world knows, of course, that +a St. Louis girl insulted the Prince of Wales by refusing to meet +him, when he never had asked to have her presented. That, +however, was the most glaring effort ever made by a St. Louis +girl to get a lot of newspaper notoriety and at a cheap rate. To +the credit of the local high society it must be said that it does +not cultivate the newspaper habit of exploitation. It tolerates +the journalistic abuses of papers and write-ups. To be perfectly +just to society in St. Louis, about all that can be said of it is +that it is dull, principally, because it is decent. A man who is +an authority upon such matters tells me that there is not in real +society in St. Louis one woman of whom there has ever been any +scandal. The very highest society in St. Louis--the old families +are all Catholics, and very strict Catholics at that, and so +there is not the taint of animalism about it that you find else +where in the realm of the high flyers. + +St. Louis cannot be said to be a moral city. It is as immoral as +any in the country. I am told that the professional Social Evil +in St. Louis is an unprofitable occupation "because of amateur +competition." I am quoting a gentleman who is interested in +sociological questions very largely. From what he said I deduce +the conclusion that the daughters of the poor are preyed upon by +the men so successfully as to account for the prevalence of +virtue in the wealthier circles. Fearful stories are current of +the immorality of the working girls, but these, I suppose, may be +discounted to a certain extent. I hesitate to tell you some +things I have heard about the tribute exacted of the girls in +some of the big dry goods emporiums. Suffice it to say that these +stories are told of three of the great merchant princes. One of +them is said to make it a rule that no girl shall be employed who +fails to understand that she is liable to his advances. Another +merchant prince, portly and domineering, who gained unenviable +notoriety because of his attempt at political coercion of his +employes, had a bad reputation in this same line. Still another +merchant prince who runs a strictly cash store, had one of his +girls arrested for stealing goods and refused to prosecute her +when she threatened to tell all she knew about how girls held +their places in his establishment. As I say, these stories should +be discounted, in all probability, but where there is smoke there +is fire and most of the stories come from the girls in the big +stores. + +The city of St. Louis is hopelessly monotonous. It is a big +place. A great business is carried on there, but it seems to be +done by people somnambulistically. The soporific atmosphere that +the readers feel when perusing the "Globe-Democrat" or "Republic" +is characteristic of the town. The great majority of the people +seem unable to arouse themselves to any action, even of +viciousness. The crowd just lives as if it were soaked and sodden +in the city's vast beer output. It is content to let a few men +and a few big concerns monopolize all the business. It scarcely +has energy enough to try to amuse itself. It goes to bed at half +past nine, and never thoroughly wakes up. The town is sleepy, +notwithstanding its size and its boasted progress. It grows +because it can't help itself. The people appear to be good +because they've not energy enough to be otherwise. St. Louis, +Mo., November 10. + + * * * +THE STAGE AND STAGE DEGENERATES. + +BY ROBERT LEE WYCHE. + +Here and there in the big and little towns of America cranks are +busily working for the elevation of the stage. Every 2 x 4 +newspaper man who thinks he has a mission, every preacher who +desires to make a sensation in the pulpit, every maiden novelist +whose feminine mind battens in pruriency, every old maid who has +missed her opportunity to be manhandled and wishes to reform a +race she has done nothing to increase, every two-for-a-quarter +evangelist between Bangor and Los Angeles is talking a lung out +for the public on the subject of making the stage higher and +better. When Col. Hercules, not of Herculaneum, viewed the Augean +stables he may have thought that he had a considerable job on +hand, but he tackled it with a man's strength and brain. By the +help of his good right arm and a river or two he got rid of some +thousands of tons of filth which went to enrich the levels lower +down. Col. Hercules died in time to save his reputation. If +required to cleanse the modern stage, he would pull his beaver +over his brows and sneak out of town. Col. Hercules was a man who +knew when he was over-weighted. He entered the ring only with +such opponents as he stood a chance to best. + +Once upon a time I boarded in a little German hotel in this city. +Near it was the great Madison Square Garden. In consequence, the +little hotel, which was very German--that is to say, clean and +cheap,--was patronized by many actors and actresses. They had +little rooms upstairs, got their morning coffee in the little +restaurant and after the evening's performance sat in the little +apartment off the bar, where the floor was sanded and drank beer +until the small hours. These men were representatives of their +profession so far as America is concerned. There were no stars +among them and none of the lowest stratum. They were of the +middle class of the people of the footlights. Nearly all of them +were married and a few of them had children. They had the small +ambitions and the small amusements of their class. + +At that time I worked upon one of New York's yellow journals. I +reached the hotel each morning between 12 and 1 o'clock, and +always found the theatrical symposium in full blast. I was with +these people for three months for an hour or two each night and +think that I formed a fair idea of what the American stage is +like. In those months I heard just two general subjects +discussed--grease-paint and copulation. That was all of it. No +science, no literature, no art in its higher sense, no news of +the day, no politics, no sports, no history, no travel, not +anything that goes to make up the intellectual life of the +ordinary man. From first to last it was the business of acting, +the demerits of some actor not present, the merits of those +present, the pursuit of woman and the unholy pleasures of +indiscriminate sexual lust. The dominating passion of these +people was a petty jealousy. I never heard from them a good word +for a successful brother artist. I never heard them breathe one +generous hope that other men or women would grow happy and +prosperous. I never heard them speak a kindly sentence for one of +their ranks who had fallen upon evil days. They were selfish, +they were brutally abusive, they were ridiculously conceited, +they were all geniuses held down by a conspiracy of managers, +they were card and dice sharpers, they were willing at any time +to act the part of procurer or procuress for a consideration of +drinks and suppers. I was rejoiced at the opportunity to study a +type that was new to me, and when I got enough of it I moved out. + +I have met these people and their kind many times since then. I +have seen them in Philadelphia, Boston, Washington, Chicago, New +Orleans and San Francisco. They are everywhere the same. They do +not differ in any degree. On the road they are slightly more +restrained, for fear of corporal punishment or jail, but the +impulse of gluttony and lechery is always there. Any keeper of a +second or third-class hotel in a town that is on one of the big +circuits is apt to grow eloquent upon the subject of theatrical +folk if given the chance. They are noted for a brazen effrontery +in demanding everything that is in sight and the laxity with +which they regard a debt incurred. I have no doubt that the first +man to let his valise down from the second-story window of a +hotel, slide down the rope himself and thus square his bill was +the leading comedian of that sterling bit of humor, "Hot Times in +the Tenderloin." Meantime his soubrette, who was another man's +wife, was waiting for him outside, and they went away together. + +I do not know that the baleful fire of unchaste amour runs more +fiercely in the veins of stage people. I only know that they give +it more of a free field. You sometimes hear some bar-room +comedian and booze recitationist, who draws a hamfatter's salary +in a continuous vaudeville, declare to half drunken listeners +that there are good women on the stage. So there are--some. But +they are so rare that when they are found they shine like the +jewel in the Ethiop's ear. It would be within the bounds of truth +to say that for every virtuous woman behind the foot-lights there +are ten prostitutes. Even those who try to keep their feet from +the mire and succeed are given no credit for chastity by their +fellow professionals. One night, in my never to be forgotten +German hotel, I was assured in a thing in loud-patterned trousers +and a snow-white overcoat with deep black collar and cuffs, that +he knew Emma Abbott, then dead, was unfaithful to her husband, +Eugene Wetherell, also dead. This was spoken of "honest little +Emma." A purer woman never lived. I knew that he was lying and +told him so, but he was ready with a tale of time, place and +circumstance and brazened it out. In like manner I have been told +tales of Mary Anderson and Modjeska and Viola Allen--all of them +lies. They were the tributes which my gentle friends, male and +female, paid to success in their beautiful but risky profession. + +It is not to be wondered that women who go on the stage lose +their virtue. The wonder is that some of them preserve it, in +spite of the life they lead and the company they are forced to +keep. The very talents they possess render them susceptible to +adulation and applause. They keep late hours. They are thrown +constantly with conscienceless males. They breathe an atmosphere +of excitement. If they display unusual capabilities, they are +intoxicated nightly with the deep, rich, moving roar of high +acclaim. Their nerves need bracing and they take to late suppers +and champagne with absinthe in the mornings. From the woman who +drinks to the woman who falls is not a far cry. I once asked +Lizzie Annandale, the contralto, to tell me why so many stage +girls surrendered their most precious possession within a year +after their first night behind the scenes. She was a frank old +party, willing to talk to a friend: + + "Aw," she said, "that's easy. Women are only human. The girls +are cut off from association with decent people. They have to +live with stage folks. Society is barred to them. Stage men marry +only when they can't help it. The girl must have somebody to look +after her, some man to see that her trunks are checked, that she +gets a decent seat in a crowded train, that she doesn't get the +worst of it all around. A man expects pay of some kind and she +hasn't anything to give except herself. That is what he wants. +Take our own company, for instance. We are carrying twenty chorus +girls. We are bound for the southern circuit. After we play New +Orleans we play Texas. After we leave Texas we make a jump +straight across the continent to 'Frisco. The girls don't get +wages enough to enable them to take berths in the sleepers. They +will be forced to herd day and night in the other coaches with +the men. You will see the chorus people, male and female, asleep +two and two on the seats. The exhausted woman's head rests on the +shoulder of her companion, the man's arm around her to hold her +steady. What do you suppose happens when a thing like that is +kept up for awhile? Aw! W'at t'ell." + + Despite the constant efforts of the classes mentioned in the +opening paragraph of this story, the American stage is not being +elevated to any extent. It is steadily sinking lower. Year after +year its plays grow worse, its players more reckless and debased. +This, it has been said, is the fault of the public and, to a +great extent, this is so. The managers are in the business for +money. They give the people that which the people will pay to +see. Nobody cares anything for tragedy any longer. Stage classics +have become stage stalenesses. Shakespeare is out of date. "The +Gaiety Girls," "In Gay New York," "The Merry World," Hoyt's +buffooneries, "Problem Plays," social eraticisms have become the +rage. Translations from the French, with all of the French +immorality reduced to English grossness, pack the theaters. In +New York a manager named Doris put on a pantomime which +represented the scene in a bridal chamber. The police closed it +up after half the bald-headed men and nearly all the boys in town +had seen it. That pantomime, I understand, is now drawing crowded +houses in Chicago, having been introduced to the citizens of the +western metropolis by Sam Jack of "Adamless Eden" game. +Continuous performances are proving mines of gold for their +conductors and in the continuous performance the vulgar song and +ribald jest meet with readiest applause. Your wife or your +daughter, who goes down town for her morning shopping, gets lunch +with a glass of absinthe, drops into the continuous show for an +hour and comes home with memories in her little head of a song +which should be interdicted by law, or of a dialogue that ought +to land the speakers in jail, or of Hope Booth, posing in +imitation nudity as Venus Aphrodite, or some beefy actor, also an +imitation nude, as Ajax defying the lightning, or Antinous, +facing the audience full front without a stitch of clothing on +him. This is pleasant for the wife and daughter, but how about +you? You do not look anything like Ajax and your daughter's +brothers bear no resemblance to Antinous. + +Thousands of men and women are actors and actresses, but they do +not differ in type. They are to be recognized anywhere in any +crowd. Hundreds of thousands of dollars are invested in the +business, and it is the business of the owners to make them pay. +The public wants filth and it gets it. The plays given to patrons +have only the purpose to make money. They are not written to +educate, to uplift, to ennoble. The men who make them look only +to the collection of their royalties. The best play of the year +is Gillette's "Secret Service." It is trifling. It does not teach +anything. It inculcates no moral. It does not deviate in any way +from the well known "war play." In these days there is always +some snipe of a federal lieutenant, who gets shot in the heel, or +under his coat tail, or somewhere behind, and is quartered on the +family of a southern planter, and the daughter falls in love with +him, and her brother is in the Confederate army, and there is a +whole lot of trouble and everything comes out all right in the +end. Gillette's hero is a Federal spy instead of a lieutenant, +but that is about the only difference. I imagine that he must +have been many times to see Bronson Howard's "Shenandoah," whose +favorite novelist in turn, I think, must have been E. P. Roe, of +"Barriers Burned Away." The next success, it is supposed, will be +something in the line of Mr. Howard's "Aristocracy." This play, +its author assures us, was written to demonstrate the danger that +lies in an American girl marrying an European nobleman. Instead, +it administers a solar plexus blow to American womanhood. The +heroine marries a German prince, merely because he is a Prince, +discarding her honest and true lover in a scoundrelly fashion, +while her beautiful stepmother comes within an ace of +surrendering her person to her son- in-law, and is prevented only +by the inopportune arrival of her idiotic husband. It is all very +"elevating," and a good thing to take your wife and daughter to +see. + +We arrive at this formula: The American stage is debasing; +American stage people are dead beats and women of scarlet. There +are exceptions, but they prove the rule. The business is +Jew-ridden. They do not act, but they handle the dollars. +Everybody knows that your Jew drummer and your Jew theatrical +manager are incapable of anything sexually wrong. The big +syndicate which has its home in this city and is endeavoring to +control the theatrical business of more than half the country is +composed of Jews. One of them is an undersized Silenus named +Erlanger, who used to be a pensioner upon the personal and mental +abilities of the ill-fated Louise Balfe and repaid her for her +bread and favors by brutally assaulting her in Arkansas. + +Yes, Brother Iconoclast, the 2 x 4 newspaper men and the +sensational preachers and the prurient prudes who write novels +and the unfructified old maids and the narrow-beamed +self-elected evangelists are talking, but they do not elevate the +American stage to any great extent. It bids fair to remain the +same excellent school of preparation for the penitentiary and the +bagnio. New York, November 20, 1897. + + +"THE CHRISTIAN." + +BY JULIA TRUITT BISHOP. + +If one may judge by the effect it has produced in arousing a +storm of criticism, the book of the year is undoubtedly "The +Christian," by Hall Caine. Not only the book of the year, +perhaps, but of more years than one cares to count, for of books +worth reading or remembering, there has been the fewest number +within these latter days. And it must be conceded, in the +beginning, that Hall Caine has written a book--a live book--and +that no one will dissect it without finding blood on his rapier's +point. + +As for the critics themselves, they have had much to say, after +their fashions, and have wasted vast quantities of good ink in +giving the author of "The Christian" meanings which he never +meant. One of them has found that John Storm was intended to +represent Christ himself, come back to earth in this most +unbelieving Nineteenth century; a construction which seems to +have been as far as possible from anything that was in the +novelist's thought. Another finds the plot weak and the motif--it +is the custom to use French in this connection--strained; and can +endure nothing in the book but Glory, who is "altogether +delightful." Still another is furious because of the "nurses' +ball," and thinks it is reflection upon the whole sisterhood of +trained nurses; and there are others who cannot recover from that +still further insult to the sisterhood conveyed in the fact that +Polly was a nurse. + +I have read the criticisms--all I could find--with weariness of +spirit, and have felt that the real meaning of the author lay +deeper than any of these shallow comments could reach. What +difference does it make whether Polly was or was not a trained +nurse? The real thing at issue was this--that she was a woman, +ruined and played with and tossed aside. For this book is, above +all, an earnest book, with bitter protest and lofty purpose +running through it, and in such a light as this the paltry errors +sink into nothingness. Hall Caine has had something to say to the +world, and has said it. The world has waited long enough for a +writer with a message. When it comes, let the space-writers and +all the horde of small spirits retire for a little while, or go +on sounding the praises of this or that "society novel" by Mrs. +Van Kortland Van Kordtland, or other of that ilk. + +And while there may be lay-figures in the book, as has been +charged, the people around whom the interest centers are so +terribly real that they cannot stay in the book. They come out of +it, and become part of our lives. Glory is a vivid creature, with +her moods and fancies, her dual nature, with the one side of her +in love with John Storm and his work, and the other side--and so +much the stronger side, alas! in love with the world, and filled +with merry, buoyant life. One follows her through every step of +her course, and feels the moral deterioration coming upon her so +gradually and yet so surely. Splendid, wholesome, Glory, +pure-eyed and frank-hearted, going through the wild rout of +music-halls and theatrical successes, suggestive songs, Derby +days and midnight suppers; one follows her with dread as though +she were the child of a loved friend, and finds the smell of fire +gathering upon her garments. Nothing could so show Hall Caine's +art as this. If he had written nothing else worth reading, Glory +should make him immortal, for this sweet, wild nature is more a +living being to us than many whom we meet every day. + +But the real character of the book is John Storm, one of the +finest portrayals that the English language has yet given to +fiction; a Christian, but not Christ. Nothing could be more human +than this man, full of faults, and yet so earnest, so brave, so +intense. His love for Glory is the dominant feeling that leads +him into many strange paths, for he loves as intensely as he +works; but above even this he is a Christian, and trying to do +the work of Christ. How natural it is that a man like this, +filled with enthusiasm and eager to begin work among the poor and +the suffering, should find the shallow hypocrisies and shams of a +fashionable church abhorrent to his soul. And the asceticism of +the Brotherhood was as far from the possibilities of this man as +long-faced and comfortable hypocrisy would have been. It was the +fall of poor, ignorant Polly that gave him his life-work; and the +discharge of the girl from her position in the hospital, while +the man who had accomplished her ruin remained a member of the +Board which presided over the destinies of that same hospital. + +And Hall Caine could have given no more conclusive proof of his +courage and his earnestness of purpose than in selecting as the +motif of this book that outrage upon justice, that travesty on +morality; the condemnation of woman for a crime that is readily +ignored or as readily forgiven in man. It is really such an +outworn theme that the very mention of it is greeted with smiles +or supercilious shrugs, and even lovers of their kind have grown +apologetic about it. If any man like John Storm, fired with the +best and truest principles of Christianity, steady of eye and +bold of heart and fearless of speech, dared to utter such +principles as his in any social circle of any one of our cities, +what a consternation he would create; and here as in London he +would be called a madman and avoided as an outcast. Yet what was +his creed? "Let him that is without sin amongst you cast the +first stone at her." We have heard it before, have we not?--but +in leaving it out of our Revised Version we have taken care to +leave it out of our practice as well, and are very busy casting +stones, though in truth not one of us is without sin. + +The author of "The Christian" has loosed many a shaft that will +surely pierce between the joints of the armor; and not the least +of these is the story of a young girl's marriage to the abandoned +young lord, the man who had dragged Polly to ruin which ended in +suicide. We see such things every day, and it is not polite to +call them by their names. For that is the bitterness of it; that +ruin and disgrace and the swift downward road to hell are set by +society before the feet of the woman who errs, while for the man +who was at least her equal partner in crime, there are cordial +greetings, and a thousand doors, opened by women, alas!--and he +may have some pure girl for a wife, if he likes, and go serenely +every evening to a happy home, untroubled by remorse. Is it any +wonder, with the scales so unevenly balanced as this, with a +premium put on corruption among men, that new and ever new +recruits from womanhood are marching down into the infected +quarter of our cities, and that the wretched army grows and will +grow? + +True, there are good women, here and there, making earnest effort +to "rescue" some of this miserable horde; and here and there one +is gathered into some house of refuge, and is helped to give up +her evil life. But even there, are the hopes held out before them +such brilliant hopes? One goes back to her old home and her +mother, and is thenceforward a marked creature among all the +people who have known her, doomed to cold avoidance or impudent +familiarity. One succeeds in getting work, of some menial kind, +and must live a life of utter subjection of self and utter +abnegation of pleasure, or will be suspected that she has a +secret longing for the old life. Many hide themselves in convent +walls, knowing what kind of welcome the world would have for them +if they went forth. If they could look over those walls, and +could be gifted with some far-seeing vision, they could see the +men who helped them to become criminals, abroad and at ease, +riding or driving in the free sunlight, bending over jeweled +fingers or whispering pretty nothings into dainty ears, as much +approved by all the world as though their records were as pure as +snow. Servitude or convent walls for one, even after she has +repented; the world and its gaieties for the other, to whom +remorse is unknown. No doubt the woman should be punished, and +her punishment should be as great as her sin has been; but one +would like to see the man who was guilty, equally with her, at +least avoided a little; at least made to know that there were +circles of society sufficiently refined to shut him out. + +"The first stone." Many of these women have fallen through their +adoring love for men, for whom they would willingly have given +life itself, and would have counted it well lost. Wretched, +sinful women, no doubt, but is that any less a prostitution which +leads a woman to marry a man she does not love, whose very +presence is repulsive to her? Yet that is done every day, to the +music of the wedding march, with all the world there to see. If +there be any justice in heaven, the unfortunate who falls through +love is less a criminal than is the silk-robed bride who became a +prostitute under the holy cloak of marriage. + +The first stone! The workers of all our large cities have among +them hundreds of girls who are doing their faithful best to earn +an honest living; who work long hours and endure fatigue, and +wear poor clothes, and surrender all girlish pleasures for the +simple right to exist. Once in a while comes a lull in business, +and scores of these girls are turned off. The employer makes no +effort to learn how they will live, meanwhile. "Am I my brother's +keeper?"--the old cry, many times repeated in these latter days. +How subtle, how alluring are the temptations that come in the +weeks and months of idleness; how inexorable seems the choice +held out to these helpless working girls--starvation or infamy. +It takes so long to starve, and life, after all, is sweet; so +they make their choice, shirking from death while age is still so +far away, and hope is bounding in the pulses; and having so +chosen are shut out from hope forever more. Yet there are items +in the society columns of the morning papers only too often, +which, if the truth could stand out through the flattering lines, +would tell how this or that fashionable girl has sold herself for +money, her mother standing by well-pleased, and all her five +hundred friends sending presents to commemorate the occasion. +There was no bitter hunger urging her to the sacrifice--there was +not the slightest excuse or necessity for it in any way. Which +was the greater prostitution? + +And yet, women who have sinned these gilded sins of society, or +who have at least condoned the offense in their friends and +intimates, unite in shutting the fallen unfortunate away from +light and hope; and women of blameless life and pure name stretch +welcoming hands to men who have helped to recruit the army of the +fallen and make them outcasts and pariahs in the earth. + +An outworn theme, doubtless; but there is enough in it still to +thrill the heart and bring tears to the eyes. It is well for the +world that a Christian, even in a book, has stood up among men +and told them of their crimes, and has told it face to face, in +the old Apostolic way; for we have come upon a Christianity, in +these latter days, which is silent when the Magdalene is brought +out for stoning if it casts no stones itself. New Orleans, La., +November 14. + + * * * +SALMAGUNDI. + +Bishop Wilyum Doane hath an abiding place at Albany, N. Y., a +village on the Hudson where the peons of the political bosses +most do congregate to leg for bribes. In his recent annual +address to the clergy the Bish. lamented bitterly that the +American "jingo" was provoking dear patient Christian England to +put on her war-paint. "The English press," quoth he, "has been +most patient." Yea, it hath--in the optic of ye animal yclept the +hog. For two years past nearly every English paper, large and +small, has systematically insulted Uncle Sam--has belched upon +him all the feculent bile it could rake from its putrid bowels, +all the moldy mucus it could snort from its beefy brain. Even the +press of Canada--that Christ-forsaken land of bow-legged +half-breeds which continues to lick the No. 7 goloshes of old +Gilly Brown's leavings because it lacks sufficient sand to set up +for itself--barks across the border like a mangy fleabitten fice +yawping at a St. Bernard. But Doane would have America swallow it +all--just as the Thibetans swallow pastiles made of the excrement +of their Dalai Lama. The Bish. evidently has John Bull's +trademark branded on the rear elevation of his architecture. So +Hingland is growing blawsted tired of our Hawmewikan himpudence. +Aw! Vewy likely, don-cherknow. But we shoved it down the old +harlot's throat twice with the business end of a bayonet, and +we'll fill her pod again with the same provender whenever she +passes her plate. Doane ought to amputate his ears and send them +to the British monarch to be used as door-mats. + + . . . + +My old friend, Major-General Whistletrigger Vanderhurst, of the +Amazonian Guard, minister plenipotentiary of the Gal-Dal News, +has just run a superb "scoop" on all his contemporaries. He +rustled out one morning all by his lone self and discovered that +prosperity had arrived--that every Texan afflicted with chronic +hustle hath greenbacks to burn, and blue yarn socks galore +stuffed to the bursting point with "yellow boys," while ye farmer +simply slings the silver dollar of our sires at marauding +blackbirds. Whistletrigger turns up his patrician nose at all +"pessimists" and broadly intimates that the man who hasn't a new +silk cady, seventeen pair o' tailor-made "pants," a silken +nightshirt and sufficient provender in his pantry to run a +Methodist camp-meeting for a month, would starve to death in a +Paradise whose springs run Pomery Sec, and whose trees grew +pumpkin pies, hot weinerwurst and pate de foie gras. Texas, +according to this Columbus of prosperity, is a veritable Klondyke +bowered with roses instead of imbedded in snowbanks--a place +where every financial prospect pleases and only the popocrat is +vile. But I note with pained surprise that the farmers are still +selling middling cotton below six cents, buying bacon and wearing +pea-green patches on the bust of their blue jeans two-dollar +hand-me-downs; that I can hire all the common labor I want at 75 +cents a day despite the advance in flour; that scores of +mechanics are idle; that there is no longer a wage rate in any +trade; that the streets are full of able-bodied beggers, while +merchants offer me 2 per cent a month for the use of a little +money. I note that in every Texas city realty is being cast upon +the bargain counter, while great newspapers are cutting down the +pay of their employees. There's prosperity and prosperity. +Perhaps Whistletrigger has been talking to the agent of some +mortgage company or to Colonel Hogg--who's making so much money +compromising railroad cases with the Chollie Boy Culberson +administration and suppressing prize-fights for $2,500 fees that +he really cannot afford to serve Texas in the United States +Senate. + + . . . + +Now that Henry George is dead, those papers and politicians that +were wont to abuse and misrepresent him most brutally are fairly +falling over each other to do him honor. The post-mortem gush is +sickening because of its insincerity. If Henry George was not a +great man living he is not a great man dead. If his economic +views were fatuous while he was among us they are folly +forevermore. I am not of those jackasses that delight in kicking +dead lions; I insist that simple justice be done a man while he +is in the land of the living--that we should not hound him to the +grave with gross misrepresentation then try to make restitution +by placing him among the stars. Henry George was a good man, but +he was not great. He was an advocate, not an originator. He +created no new epoch; he added nothing of importance to the +world's knowledge; but he did stimulate most wonderfully economic +investigation. He was a thought-compeller. He brushed the mold of +prejudice and the cobwebs of partisanship from many a brain. By +so doing he rendered the world invaluable service and is entitled +to its profoundest gratitude. So long as men can be induced to +THINK there is hope for the race. Although his Single Tax theorem +will perish, it has served a good purpose. + + . . . + +A Denver party wants to know if I would KNEEL if given an +audience by the Pope of Rome. I would be pretty apt to do so if +such action on my part was expected. I would ascertain beforehand +what conduct was required, then prove myself a gentlemen by +either observing the proprieties or declining the audience. What +would the Denver man do? Waltz up to the august head of the +Catholic church, slap him on the back and offer to shake him for +the drinks? Novalis says: "There is but one temple in the world +and that is the body of man. Nothing is holier than this form. +Bending before men is a reverence done to this revelation in the +flesh." We, whose ancestors for so many centuries bowed, not only +to the Pope, but to 2 x 4 kings and petty princelings, should not +unduly exalt our Ebenezer--should not become so stiff in the +joints that we prove ourselves boors by declining when in Rome to +do as the Romans do. Were I to seek the presence of Queen +Victoria I would observe all the court etiquette. + + . . . + +It is said that Miss Rebecca Merlindy Johnson, editress of the +Houston Post, and winner of the ICONOCLAST'S $500 prize as the +most beautiful woman in the world, will be a candidate for the +office of lieutenant-governor. If this be true she can depend on +the unswerving support of the ICONOCLAST. If there be +constitutional objections to her holding the office with both +lily-white hands we will amend that remarkable instrument. I will +take it upon myself to elect Rebecca and ask no other reward than +the privilege of dancing with her at the inaugural ball. She was +my first, if not my only love; and although she threw me over for +Pinkie Hill, by whose effulgent aurora borealis she was +hypnotized, and took to wearing pantaloons in public despite my +protest, she has since repented and given all her maidenly heart +to me; hence it will be my duty and my pleasure to manage her +campaign. Rebecca may safely consider herself elected and +discount her salary whenever the Post gets into a pinch. I am +willing to do anything for Rebecca except pay off the mortgage on +her paper. + + . . . + +Because a young man was killed while playing football, the lower +house of the Georgia legislature passed a bill prohibiting that +game under severe penalties. To be consistent the same body +should now prohibit swimming because some boys are drowned, and +possum hunting because some nocturnal sportsmen are killed. +Georgia appears to take it for granted that nature makes no +mistake--when she finds a man who's good for nothing else in the +universe she sends him to the legislature to make laws. There's +an element of danger in foot-ball as in all other athletic +exercises; but that is no reason why we should confine the +youngsters to croquet, mumble-peg and finger-billiards, and allow +the race to degenerate into a lobeliaceous aggregation of +lollipops. That Georgia legislature is full o' goobers and red +lemonade. + + . . . + +I am rejoiced to learn that the two factions of Texas Baptists, +after having for months past denounced each other in language +that smelled of sulphur and would have disgraced opposing parties +of Parisian gamins--after resorting to all the petty meanness of +peanut politics to control the flesh-pots--have kissed and +hugged, slobbered and boohooed each on the other's brisket. "How +sweet it is for brethren to dwell together in unity!" That's +whatever. I'm glad the ruction is over, for it was becoming a +rank stench in the nostrils of the Protestant religion. It was +enough to drive an intelligent man to Atheism, to make him not +only suspicious of religion but ashamed of his race. It seems to +me that the ICONOCLAST should have had a reserved seat at the +love-feast--should have been forguv and slobbered over with the +rest of the sinners, for it had not said nearly as hard things +about its dear brethren in Christ as they had urged against each +other. It might at least have been permitted to collect the tears +of the penitents. That flood of brine, if carefully evaporated, +would have supplied Scholtz's Garden with beer salt for a +century. And it all went to waste! Doc Hayden and myself were the +only Baptist parsons who didn't get hugged. Hayden was made a +scape-goat for the sins of both factions and sent to wander in +the wilderness, and it was decided to no longer recognize the +ICONOCLAST as the official organ of the Baptist faith. It looks +as though Hayden and I would have to start a little Baptist hell +of our own. + + . . . + +J. Sterling Morton of Nebraska, one of those "village Hampdens" +whom G. Cleveland discovered when raking the country with a +fine-tooth comb in a frantic search for intellectual insects even +smaller than himself, says the Bryan Democracy is composed of +fanatics, bigots and idiots. He must have seen that brilliant bon +mot in the Chicago Inter-Ocean. Poor J. Sterling Morton. Not +being born great, nor having the ability to achieve greatness, it +was his misfortune to have it driven into him with a maul. And +he's never gotten over it. Had Cleveland done naught else evil he +would have damned himself everlastingly by pulling this +intumescent jay out of a Nebraska turnip- patch to make him a +cabinet clerk. I say cabinet-clerk, for the so-called secretaries +of the Cleveland regime were merely stool-pigeons for the +Stuffed-Prophet. And now this erstwhile seneschal of the Buffalo +Beast, this pitiful stool-hopper for the d--est fool that ever +disgraced the presidency, turns up his beefy proboscis at the +intellectuality of the Bryanites. If J. Sterling Morton would +only shave his head he could get four dollars a day for playing +What-Is-It in a dime museum. As an anthropological curio +Oofty-Gofty or the Wild Man of Borneo wouldn't be "in it." + + . . . + +The committee sent to Europe by McKinley to talk a little twaddle +about international bi-metallism has completed its alleged +labors, and the net product is nothing--just as the people knew +it would be when saddled with the expense of this high-fly +junketing trip to enable the administration to make a pretense of +redeeming the kangaroo promise of the Republican platform. The +silver problem is not at present the burthen of my song--I simply +rise to remark that the American people have been buncoed by this +commission business. It was sent abroad at great outlay of boodle +to ascertain what is perfectly well-known to every man outside +the insane asylum, viz.: that England, being a creditor nation, +would not consent to the remonetization of silver. Now let us +send a commission to Europe to see if the water over there is +wet. O Lord! how long will Uncle Sam consent to enact the role of +a long-eared, pie-bald ass? + + . . . + +I wonder, O I wonder who that "prominent lawyer and sound money +Democrat" was who got drunk at Charlie Cortizio's in Austin the +other day and toasted Chollie Boy Culberson as "Texas' most +distinguished son, the man who has done most to distinguish his +state abroad"--just a bummy little boost for Chollie Boy's +anaemic senatorial boom? I cannot imagine who he may be, but I +was pleased to see his toast followed in my pet daily by an "ad" +for a tansy compound warranted to "give relief from painful and +irregular periods regardless of cause." I hope that the "sound +money Democrat" aforesaid did not overlook the "ad," as he was +evidently having a painful period and much in need of relief. I +sincerely hope that he doesn't get that way often. It is a trifle +difficult to determine whether he was pregnant with a great idea +or full o' prunes--whether he needed a tansy compound or a +cathartic. Poor Chollie Boy! His senatorial boom must indeed be +in a bad way when he must fill old boozers with beer to induce +them to boost it. But it is quite true he has been heard of +outside the state--the ICONOCLAST has mentioned him several +times. + + . . . + +I noticed in one of the local papers that "Dallas wants Baylor," +$50,000 to $75,000 worth. Doubtless I'm a hopeless heretic, but I +don't believe a d--n word of it. If anybody thinks that Dallas +will put up $25,000 cash to secure the removal thither of Baylor, +he can find a man about these premises who will make him a 2 to 1 +game that his believer is 'way of his base. Dallas doesn't want +Baylor even a little bit. There isn't a town in this world that +wants it except Waco. It is simply another Frankenstein monster +that has destroyed its architect. Baylor spends no money here +worth mentioning. Its students are chiefly forks-of-the-creek +yaps who curry horses or run errands for their board and wear the +same undershirt the year round. They take but two baths during +their lifetime--one when they are born, the other when they are +baptized. The institution is worth less than nothing to any town. +It is what Ingersoll would call a storm-center of misinformation. +It is the Alma Mater of mob violence. It is a chronic breeder of +bigotry and bile. As a small Waco property owner, I will give it +$1,000 any time to move to Dallas, and double that amount if it +will go to Honolulu or hell. There is no bitterness in this, no +desire to offend; it is simply a business proposition by a +business man who realizes that Baylor is a disgrace to the +community, is playing Old Man of the Sea to Waco's Sinbad. The +town could well afford to give it $100,000 to "pull its freight." + + * * * +SOME ECONOMIC IDIOCY. + +A correspondent calls my attention to the recommendation of a +commission appointed by the governor of Massachusetts, to the +effect that "all taxes on intangible property be abolished." He +adds that, "as much of the wealth of Massachusetts is in stocks, +bonds and mortgages this would relieve the rich at the expense of +the poor." I could recommend that my correspondent be placed in a +well-padded cell in a lunatic asylum and fed on Ladies Home +Journal literature. The idea that what he calls "intangible +property" should be taxed is quite prevalent among the ignorant +and a perfect hobby with the half-educated. No writer +distinguished for economic erudition recommends laying a tax on +notes, stocks, bonds and other such evidence of wealth. Such a +tax should never be laid by a government guaranteeing equal +right. It is class legislation--it is DOUBLE TAXATION. This +statement may not be at all palatable to the West and South, but +the proposition is impregnable. It taxes both the lender and the +borrower on the same property and the latter has to pay for both. +It must be remembered that such securities are not wealth per se, +any more than a cook-book is a square meal--they are merely +evidences of ownership. Let us say that I hold $10,000 worth of +stock in the Illinois Central railroad: The road is my property +to the extent of my stock--I am a small partner in the +enterprise. It pays taxes to the State of Illinois and to every +county and municipality through which it passes. Having paid +taxes upon my property in Illinois, where it is located, must I +pay taxes upon it again in Texas, where it has no existence? If I +must pay taxes upon my railway property, then pay it again upon +the certificate that I own it and am entitled to its usufruct, +why not compel me to pay taxes on my business block, then pay it +again on the deed thereto in my possession. My certificate of +railway ownership and my certificate of realty ownership are on +an exact parity from an economic standpoint. Each is evidence +that I possess tangible property upon which I am paying taxes, +and I emphatically object to a double dose. Exactly the same +principle applies to promissory notes and bonds. A bond is +nothing more nor less than a note. Suppose that I hold Illinois +Central bonds to the extent of $10,000 instead of stock: The +corporation has borrowed the money of me and invested it. It is +paying taxes as well as interest on my property in consideration +of use. As the corporation is using the property it must earn all +the taxes, by whosoever directly paid, for I can earn nothing +with property not in my possession. If I am taxed on my bonds, I +must "put it in the bill," just as the merchant puts rent, +interest and insurance. If Massachusetts owns ten million dollars +of Texas securities she has simply transferred that much tangible +wealth to this state for us to tax. If the paper evidence that +this property is located here be taxed in Massachusetts, Texas +must pay the piper. Let it never be forgotten that a tax is but a +toll and can only be taken of something tangible. You cannot get +blood out of a ghost or wealth out of a paper evidence of +property. The blood must come from real veins and the tax must be +drawn from something tangible. It is a contravention of justice +and a violation of economic law to tax this man's property once +and that man's twice. That the one is rich and the other poor +does not mitigate the infamy--it is a fundamental principle of +this republic that all men shall be equal before the law. Some +years ago a howl was raised that reached high heaven that Jay +Gould was worth 50 millions and paid taxes on but 75 thousand. +Economic idiots gnawed a file because the ex-house-trap maker +objected to paying his taxes twice, and charging his patrons on +both the amount and the cost of collection. There are many +abnormal fortunes in this country, but confiscation through +taxation is not the proper remedy. If the government toll be an +ounce in the pound let it BE an ounce in the pound, whether the +citizen possess ten pounds or ten million. Let every citizen +contribute to the support of government in exact proportion to +his means. To exempt the man who makes $500 a year and place the +entire burden upon the man who earns $1,000 a year and upwards is +to make of the first a political pauper. The graduated income +tax, so-called is wrong to one class of citizens and an insult to +the other. Let us tax all property once and only once; but let us +see to it that unctuous old hypocrites like Rockefeller are not +permitted to rob the public--that they do not build collegiate +monuments to their own memory with other people's money. + + * * * +AN EPISCOPALIAN MISTAKE. + +Sometime ago a correspondent sent the ICONOCLAST a newspaper +report of the "jubilee sermon" of a Rev. Mr. Reed, rector of a +Protestant Episcopal church, and inquired if the statements +contained therein were true. The clipping has been mislaid, and I +do not now remember where Rector Reed is located; but I do know +that his statements, so far as I have investigated them, are +arrant falsehoods. He affirms that the American Republic is the +handiwork of Episcopalian patriots; that more than two-thirds of +the signers of the Declaration of Independence and an equal +proportion of our generals, statesmen and presidents have been +members of that denomination. As the sources of information +regarding the religious views of most prominent Americans are +shamefully meagre, I was inclined to regard Rector Reed's sermon +as a historical document of inestimable value. Being prone, +however, to act upon the advice of St. Paul and "prove all +things," I began a cursory investigation. Rector Reed neglected +to give the source of his information, and to save me I could +find but seven presidents, including Washington, who were +Episcopalians, and now Col. Patrick Ford, of the Irish World +calls my attention to Jared Spark's statement that the Father of +his country "withdrew himself from the communion service." +Jefferson, whom Rector Reed claims as an Episcopalian, was, as +every school-boy knows, an avowed free-thinker. The Adamses were +Unitarians, Garfield was a Campbellite, Jackson, Buchanan, +Cleveland and Ben Harrison were Presbyterians, Lincoln was +non-sectrian, Grant and Hayes were Methodists, as is McKinley, +while the religion of several others is unknown. Rector Reed's +other statements stand examination as poorly as that relating to +the presidents. It is pretty safe to judge a church by its +clergy, and the clergy of the Anglo-American or Episcopal church +were tory almost to a man. As I have made this statement before, +and it has been flatly denied in the Chicago press by an +Episcopalian bishop, it may be well to quote a few paragraphs +from an article by Rev. Chas. Inglis, entitled "State of the +Anglo-American Church in 1776." Inglish was at the time Rector of +Trinity Church, New York, and afterwards bishop of Nova Scotia. +His article may be found in Vol. 3, O'Callaghan's "Documentary +History of the State of New York." Inglis says under date of +October 31st, 1776: + +Reverend Sir: The confusions which have prevailed in North +America for some time past must have necessarily interrupted the +correspondence of the missionaries with the society. A short +authentic account of them, and of the Church of England in +general, in this and the adjacent colonies, may be acceptable to +the society at this most critical period. The success of his +majesty's arms in reducing the city, and driving out the rebels, +the 15th of last month, affords me an opportunity of doing this, +as packets are now again established between this port and +England. I have the pleasure to assure you that all the society's +missionaries, without excepting one, in New Jersey, New York, +Connecticut, and, so far as I can learn, in the other New England +colonies, have proved themselves faithful, loyal subjects in +these trying times; and have to the uttermost of their power +opposed the spirit of disaffection and rebellion which has +involved this continent in the greatest calamities. I must add +that all the other clergy of our church in the above colonies, +though not in the society's service, have observed the same line +of conduct; and although their joint endeavors could not wholly +prevent the rebellion, yet they checked it considerably for some +time, and prevented many thousands from plunging into it who +otherwise would certainly have done so. . . . The present +rebellion is certainly one of the most causeless, unprovoked and +unnatural that ever disgraced any country; a rebellion marked +with peculiarly aggravated circumstances of guilt and +ingratitude. . . . About the middle of April, Mr. +Washington--commander-in-chief of the rebel forces, came to town +with a large reinforcement. Animated by his presences, and I +suppose, encouraged by him, the rebel committees very much +harassed the loyal inhabitants here on Long Island. Soon after +Washington's arrival he attended our church; but on the Sunday +morning, before divine services began, one of the rebel generals +called at the rector's house (supposing the latter was in town) +and, not finding him, left word that he came to inform the rector +that "General Washington would be at church, and would be glad if +the violent prayers for the king and royal family were omitted." +This message was brought to me, and, as you may suppose, I paid +no regard to it. Things being thus situated, I shut up the +churches. Even this was attended with great hazard; for it was +declaring, in the strongest manner, our disapprobation of +independency, and that under the eye of Washington and his army. +I have not a doubt but, with the blessing of Providence, his +majesty's arms will be successful and finally crush this +unnatural rebellion." + +The ICONOCLAST is indebted to Col. Patrick Ford for a transcript +of Rev. Inglis' ebulition. It fully substantiates the statement +made by this journal some time ago that the Episcopal churches +were, during the revolution, "nests of tories and traitors." + + * * * +GLORY OF THE NEW GARTER. + +BY JOHN A. MORRIS. + +A few seasons ago when Audrey Beardsleyism was the rage and Oscar +Wilde a lion in "sassiety" gay plaid stockings in Persian or +Audrey Beardsley designs sold as high as $7.50 a pair, enough I +should say to enable a poor devil like me to live a week. But +this is not all. For spring or June brides of the "swell London +sassiety set," fine white silk stockings cost $22.50 a pair must +go with a wedding gown and trousseau equally as extravagant, the +climax of fashion's freakish ways being the rose-made garter worn +over said stockings. Parisian society which smells to heaven in +fashionable odors has now originated garters made of primroses, +harebells, narcissus, violets and lillies, the same being worn by +the ladies at balls and receptions in Paris. Knots of blossoms +are caught among the thick flouncings and ruches of the +petticoats; and even the embroidered corset has its little bouquet +attachment. The inside flounce of the most delicate evening gowns +is made entirely of flowers, and the newest garter is simply made +to conform to the general harmony of fragrance and color. + +The appropriateness of a flower for garter-wearing purposes is +considered according to the degree and strength of its perfume, +the most highly perfumed being the most highly appropriate. +Violets are in great favor, and are used for garters worn with +lilac, lavander, delicate green or white costumes. Again, as +American women love to ape the fashionable society of gay Paris +it may not be very long before in the great cities of the country +we may not only have the American morphine fiend and +cologne-drinker, but also the perfume faddist. Not long ago a +Paris druggist communicated to a few French "sassiety" women the +plan of perfuming the skin by means of hypodermic injections. The +favorite distilled odors are violet and lavender. I know not how +true it is, but I heard that this fashion is already being taken +up by some of New York city's fashionable freaks of "sassiety" +women. + +I have recently been engaged in reading two very interesting +histories, the one of the rose, the other of perfume, in reading +which I was deeply impressed with the fact that all the +civilizations of the past, previous to their downfall, had their +rose fetes, their festivals of flowers where luxury and license +ruled, where effeminacy ruled supreme, their perfumed halls and +extravagant balls and soirees. Before the fall of the Roman +Empire, the wealthy abandoned themselves to pleasure, luxury and +licentiousness and such expressions as "living in the midst of +roses," and "sleeping on roses" had a deep and tragic meaning. +Seneca speaks of Smyndiride who could not sleep if one of the +rose petals with which his bed was spread happened to be curled. +Cicero alludes to the then prevailing custom among the Romans of +reclining at the table on couches covered with roses. Ah, my +jeweled buddies, there were Adonises in those days! + +When Cleopatra, the perfumed serpent of the Nile, went into +Cilicia to meet Mark Antony, she gave him for several days a +festival such as the gods themselves would not blush to +participate in. She had placed in the banqueting hall twelve +couches large enough to hold three guests. Purple tapestry +interwoven with gold covered the walls, golden vases admirably +executed and enriched with precious stones stood on a magnificent +gold floor. On the fourth day the queen carried her sumptuousness +so far as to pay a talent ($600.00 in our money) for a quantity +of roses, with which she caused the floor of the hall to be +covered to a depth of eighteen inches. These flowers were +retained in a very fine net, to allow the guests to walk over +them. According to Suetonius, Nero (the fiddler of burning Rome +and the tyrant par excellence of the ancient day) gave a fete at +one time on the Gulf of Baiae when inns were established on the +banks, and ladies of noble blood played hostesses to the +occasion, the roses alone costing more than four million of +sesterces, or $100,000. As the hag Tofana was the inventor of a +new and deadly poison, so Lucius Aurelius Verus was the inventor +of a new species of luxury. He had a most magnificent couch made, +on which four raised cushions closed in on all sides by a very +thin net, and made of leaves of roses. Heliogabalus, celebrated +for every kind of vice and luxury, caused roses to be crushed +with the kernels of the pine (pinus maritima) in order to +increase the perfume. Roses were, by the order of this same +emperor, scattered over the couches, halls and even the +portierres of the palaces were decorated with the same. A +profusion of flowers of every kind, lilies, violets, hyacinths, +narcissus, etc., filled great quantities of space. Gallien, +another cruel and luxurious princeling, lay under arbors of roses +sometimes varying the performance by reclining on beds of roses. +Before her downfall Rome could spend millions on her royal +tables, support the dignity of a single senator at $80,000 a +year, employ courts of sycophants and flatterers, impose taxes at +the pleasure of her ruler, declare any complaint treason, marry +her daughters for money and title, employ notaries to attest the +fatness of her banquet fowls, punish a servant for disobedience +and trivial offenses with death, while letting the monied thief +and murderer go free with a mild reprimand, and making slaves and +menials of the profoundest philosophers. The dancer and the +buffoon received the homage and the adoration which in the golden +age of Greece under the reign of Pericles only scholars, +philosophers and artists received. Poverty in those days was +crime, so in ours! Augustine of Rome was utterly ignored. "In +exact proportion to the sum of money a man keeps in his chest," +says Juvenal, "is the credit given to his oath." Verily, reader, +these days at the end of the nineteenth century are greatly +similar to those last days of Rome. Yvette Gilbert, the +songstress of the vile, the recitationist of the vulgar, and Le +Loie Fuller, the dancer of the serpentine, live off the fat of +the land every day. The songstress and the kickeress get their +thousands of dollars per week, while "the poor devil of a +workingman" must be satisfied with a dollar a day cash and +barrels of unlimited confidence. Caligula's horse wore a collar +of pearls and drank from an ivory trough. Nero fiddled while Rome +was burning. Cleveland when president drank his morning coffee +from a cup worth $100 at least, and went fishing at Buzzard's Bay +while the ship of state was plunging among the rocks and breakers +of bonded indebtedness. Conde spent three thousand crowns to deck +his palace at Chantilly. The Duke of Albuquerque had forty silver +ladders. The expression then, as now, was often heard, "the rich +are getting richer and the poor are getting poorer." San Pedro, +Cal., November 11. + +* * * +TWO OF A KIND. +BY H. S. C. + +The McKinley administration has been in power long enough to show +that the only material distinction between it and the Cleveland +administration lies in the fact that it is slightly more +extravagant. That is the characteristic of the Republican party +and no one is surprised. In addition to being the party of +violence, bigotry and fraud, it is also the party of gay +liberality with other people's money. In the matter of directing +the destinies of this country towards a higher and better +national existence, there is really nothing to choose between +Republicanism and Democracy. Both are equally unwilling and +incompetent, both, despite the prating of civil service snobs and +snivellers are dominated by spoils, and the managers of both +regard a campaign not as a battle for the betterment of America +but as a battle for boodle. The McKinley administration has +appointed some Negro postmasters in the South. This the +Democratic administration would not have done. The McKinley +administration has played openly into the hands of the trust. +This the Democratic administration would have done secretly. The +McKinley administration enacted a tariff law which robs the +people openly for the benefit of a few. This the Democratic +administration would have done in sly paragraphs here and there, +in the meanwhile declaiming loudly against the unrighteousness of +tariff barons. The McKinley administration has based its +contracted currency solely upon the gold product. This the +Democratic administration would have based, with almost equal +fatuity, upon the silver product. McKinleyism and the Democracy +with which the country has been cursed on two occasions since the +war, are six of one and half a dozen of the other. Practically +considered, the main difference between Republicanism and +Democracy, is the difference between the highwayman and the sneak +thief. This being so, the question naturally arises: What are we +going to do about it? Nothing. That is, not yet. The time may +come when the people will choose public servants for fitness, and +will demand that they keep the pledges made as a condition +precedent to election, but it is far from us. In many of the +years to come we will continue to build up an office- holding +class that is now so utterly idle, incompetent, impudent and +corrupt that the history of the world can show nothing like it. +This will be always so with universal suffrage. A government +which permits the ballot of a man who has not a dollar's interest +in the good conduct of the government, who can neither read nor +write, who cannot speak the English language, who is permitted to +vote merely upon the declaration that he intends at some time to +become a citizen, will continue to be a rotten government. The +wonder is not that the United States has had war internecine and +otherwise, but that it has existed at all. It carries within +itself the elements of its own damnation. It has within itself +the seeds of decay. Unless they are dug out, that which is now +one of the worst governments under the sun will be no government +at all. + + * * * +THE SAW-MILL CHECK SYSTEM. + +The ICONOCLAST receives frequent complaints from laboring people +in the lumber districts of Texas and Louisiana, that their +employers are robbing them by compelling them to accept orders on +mill stores, where they are charged exorbitant prices for all +they purchase. I have been unable to visit the lumber districts +and make personal investigation of these complaints, while +letters of inquiry have elicited conflicted evidence. The +following statement by a disinterested party, a gentleman of +unusual intelligence who has traveled extensively in the lumber +districts of the two states, is doubtless a fairly correct +account: + +The system of issuing checks to saw-mill employees, as practiced +in some places, is, in my opinion, an advantage to the laborer. +Each mill has a pay-day, monthly, and the checks issued at +intervals between pay-days, redeemable in merchandise, pass +current among merchants at par. You can buy a big glass of beer +for a 5-cent check as you can for a nickel, and buy it anywhere +it is sold. You can, in fact, buy anything at any place in these +towns for mill checks. The merchants either use them in trading +at the mill stores, which are large and complete, or sell them, +at a discount of 5 per cent. to parties who engage in building +and who use them in paying for lumber, which is sold at the same +price for checks as for cash. No one is required to take these +checks, which are merely in the nature of an advance payment on +wages. Each employee can wait until pay-day and get all that is +due him in cash. Many of the mills are large concerns with A1 +credit, and being able to buy as cheaply as anybody, can, and I +believe do, sell as cheaply. Such is the case with the Beaumont +mills and the mills on the Sabine and East Texas road owned by +Beaumont parties; but as much cannot be said for saw-mills at +some other points. There are some saw-mills in Texas that never +have a pay-day; they issue checks on the commissary and charge +enormous profits, so that the people who work at these mills are +virtually peons. A party told me some time ago that on the H. E. +& W. T. railway mill checks of reputable institutions can be +bought for 20 cents, 30 cents and 40 cents on the dollar. I do +not know that this is so, but I believe it. As for the mills at +Orange and Lake Charles, they have no commissaries attached, but +I have been told that certain merchants in those towns pay the +mill owners 10 per cent. on all orders sent them, and the mills +go so far as to turn in each evening to the merchant the time +made by each employee to govern them in giving credit. This looks +like a fraud on the employee and it is wrong for the employer to +pocket money which should rightfully go to his employee. But he +reasons that he has an established pay-day, and if his employees +will insist on demanding money or its equivalent every evening, +and thus force him to retain an extra man to attend to the +check-issuing business it is right that the employees should bear +that expense. I believe the mills at Westlake have commissaries, +but I know the mill-owners and do not believe they practice any +extortion. They pay off in checks. They have a monthly pay-day, +and if, like railway employees, these should wait until the first +Saturday after the 5th or 10th of each month they could draw +their wages in cash. No mill at either place mentioned pays off +in checks. You might roast such mills as those on the H. E. & W. +T. referred to, as they rob not only their employees, but, by +thus being able to manufacture lumber cheaper than those who pay +wages, force down the price in the open market and compel the +honest manufacturer to meet it." + + * * * +LOVE AS AN INTOXICANT? + +Seymour, Texas, Nov. 4, 1897. + +MR. BRANN: Will you please answer the following question and +thereby settle a dispute in Seymour: Is love intoxicating? CHAS. +E. RUPE. + +My correspondent neglects to state whether Seymour is a +Prohibition town. Of course if it is and love is listed as an +intoxicant, the blind god will be expatriated for the benefit of +the makers of Peruna, Hostetter's Bitters and and other palate +ticklers, popular only at blind tigers. Why the deuce didn't the +Seymourites set to work and settle this vexatious problem for +themselves? Must I undertake a system of scientific experiments +in order to obtain this information for the citizens of Seymour? +Suppose that I do so, find that love makes drunk come, and am run +in by the patrol wagon while supercharged with the tender +passion: don't you see that this would militate against my +usefulness as a Baptist minister? How the hell could I explain to +my congregation that I was full of love instead of licker? +Clearly I cannot afford to offer myself as a sacrifice upon the +altar of science. Should I proceed to fall in love just to see if +it would go to my head, and should it do so, my Dulcina del +Toboso might marry me before I recovered my mental equipoise, and +I would awaken to find my liberty a has-been and my night-key non +est. Of course I should mind it ever so little, but it would be +awfully hard on the lady. I have been baptized just to see if it +would soak out any original sin; I've gone up in a balloon and +down in a coal mine in the interest of science; I've ridden on +the pilot of a locomotive for the sake of the sensation; I've +permitted myself to be inoculated with the virus of Christian +charity just to see if it would "take"; I've tampered with almost +every known intoxicant, from the insidious mescal of the +erstwhile Montezumas to the mountain nectar of Eastern Tennessee, +but I draw the line at love. Will it intoxicate? Prithee, good +sirs, I positively decline to experiment. However, if hearsay +evidence be admissible I'm willing to take the stand. To the best +of my knowledge and belief love will pick a man up quicker and +throw him down harder than even the double-distilled brand of +prohibition busthead. Like champagne at 2 a.m., it is good to +look upon and pleasant to the palate; but at last it biteth like +a serpent and stingeth like an able-bodied bumble-bee in a pair +of blue-jean pants. Like alcoholism, love lies in wait for the +young and unwary--approaches the victim so insidiously that ere +he is aware of danger he's a gone sucker. The young man goeth +forth in the early evening and his patent leathers. His coat-tail +pockets bulge with caramels and his one silk handkerchief, +perfumed with attar of roses, reposeth with studied negligence in +his bosom. He saith unto himself, "I will sip the nectar of the +blind deity but I will not become drunken, for verily I know when +to ring myself down." He calleth upon the innocent damosel with +soft eyes and lips like unto a cleft cherry when purple with its +own sweetness, and she singeth unto him with a voice that hath +the low sweet melody of an aeolian harp, and squozeth his hand in +the gloaming, sigheth just a wee sigh that endeth in a blush. And +behold it cometh to pass that when the gay young man doth stagger +down the door-steps of her dear father's domicile he knoweth not +whether he is hoofing it to Klondyke or riding an erratic mustang +into Mexico. He is drunken with the sweetness of it all and glad +of it. And she? Oh she lets him down easy--sends him an engraved +invitation to her marriage with some guy with oodles of the long +green whom her parent on her mother's side has corraled at the +matrimonial bargain counter. Then the young man has a case of +what we Chermans call Katzenjammer, and swears an almighty swore +never to do so any more. But he does. When a man once contracts +the habit of being in love there's no help for him. It is a +strange stimulant which acts upon the blood like the oenanthic of +old wine, upon the soul like the perfume of jasmine buds. He has +felt its mighty spell, more potent than the poppy's juice or the +distillation of yellow corn that has waved its golden bannerets +on Kentucky's sun-kissed hills--more strangely sweet than music +heard at minight across a moonlit lake or the soul-sensuous dream +of the lotus eaters' land. For the spell of the poppy's dreamy +drug and the charm of the yellow corn whose spirit breeds +dangerous lightnings in the blood, the skill of man has provided +a panacea; but "love is strong as death," says David's wisest +son. Will love intoxicate? Rather! I should say that Solomon was +drunk with love when he wrote the Canticles: + + "Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth, for thy love is +better than wine." + +When a man is drunken he sees strange varieties of serpents. +That's what ailed Adam and Eve. They kept intoxicated with their +own primordial sweetness until they got the jimmies and saw a +talking snake prancing around the evergreen aisles of Eden with +legs like unto a prima donna. At least I suppose the Edenic +serpent was built that way, for the Lord cursed it and compelled +it to go on its belly all the days of its life. Hence the Lord +must have pulled its leg. So to speak, or words to that effect. +As an intoxicant love affects one differently from liquor. A man +drunk on bourbon wants to trail his coat-tails down the middle of +the plank turnpike and advise the natives that he is in town. The +man drunk on love yearns to hide away from the busy haunts of men +and write poetry for the magazines. The one is sentenced to ten +days in the bat-cave and the other to pay some woman's board. +Verily the way of the transgressor is hard. Some people manage to +worry through life without ever becoming drunken on either liquor +or love. They marry for money, or to secure housekeepers, and +drink pink lemonade and iced buttermilk until there's clabber in +their blood. They "like" their mates, but do not love them, and +their watery babes grow up and become Baptists. Their affections +are to the real article what dengue is to yellow fever. +Temperance is a good thing in its way; but the man who is +temperate in love is not to be trusted. The true man or woman can +no more love moderately than a powder magazine can explode on the +installment plan. When the cup once touches their lips it is +drained to the very dregs. The chalice is not passed by human +hands--the gods give and the gods withhold. Hence it is that we +ever find Love's bacchanals beating against the social bars. We +laugh at the man who flushed with wine disregards the peace and +dignity of the state; but we frown upon the woman who drunk with +love sins against our social laws. Man's brewed enchantments may +be set aside by acts of human will; but the wine of love creeps +like a subtle perfume through all the senses whether we will or +no, filling the brain with madness, the heart with fire. + + * * * +THE SWORD AND THE CROSS. + +A correspondent asks "whether the great nations owe most to the +sword or the cross." That were much like asking whether the +usefulness of a watch be due most to the case or the works. +Religion has ever been the heart of the body social, the dynamics +of civilization. A great nation of Atheists is a practical +impossibility, because the basic principle of such a society must +needs be selfishness, and from such a foundation no mighty +superstructure can ever rise. "Ye cannot gather grapes of thorns +nor figs of thistles." War is but an incident in the history of a +nation, while religion is its very life. In the latter it moves +and breathes and has its being. From the standpoint of a +statesman it makes little difference what the religion of a +people may be so long as most of them believe it. History +abundantly demonstrates that when a nation begins to doubt its +gods, it begins to lose its glory. Without religion the contract +social is simply a rope of sand. "No union of church and state" +is simply a protest against the union of body and soul. The +greatest rulers of ancient and modern times regarded religion as +the palladium of national power. True it is that religion has +time and again strengthened the hands of the tyrant and stoned +the prophets of progress; but every good gift bequeathed to man +has been at times abused. The sword has been wielded by the +assassin; it has been employed to enslave and despoil the people; +yet we dare not break the blade. Men of narrow minds, seeing many +warring cults, imagine them to be disturbing factors in the human +brotherhood--that if they could be eliminated, the body politic +would have peace. They cannot understand that the discords of the +finite make the harmony of the infinite. They fail to see that +these warring creeds are but the necessary differentiations of a +common faith. Lay the winds, still the tides, and old ocean, that +perennial fount of health, becomes a stagnant pool of +putrefaction--a malodorous "mother of dead dogs." Force +presupposes friction. Let the sectaries fight, each doing valiant +battle for his own dogma, for when they all agree religion will +be dead and progress at an end. It is not necessary that you and +I should stand close enough to be stifled with the dust of +conflict, to taste all the bitterness of sectarian +controversy--we may mount above it all and watch it beat like the +convolutions of a mighty brain. We may take refuge in the +philosophy of religion and say that all are right in conception +and wrong in expression; we may call it blind superstition if we +will; but if we mount high enough to obtain a clear vision we +must confess that religion has ever been the dominant factor in +the forging of mighty peoples. Were I required to give a reason +for this fact I would say it is because man is not altogether a +machine--because he is not content to eat and sleep and propagate +his kind like the lower animals. Despite his thick veneer of +selfishness, man is at heart a creature of sentiment, and +religion is the poetry of the common people. Crude it may be, but +its tendency is toward the stars, while all else in man is +animalistic and of the earth. Strike the religion, the poetry, +out of a people, and you reduce them to the level of educated +animals. Annul the power that draws them upward and they must +sink back to primordial savagery. The individual may accept logic +as a substitute for sentiment, but a nation cannot do so. The +masses are not swayed through the head, but through the heart. +Sentiment is the divine perfume of the soul. Of sentiment was +born the dream of immortality. It is the efficient cause of every +sacrifice which man makes for his fellow man. It is the parent +duty, and duty pre-supposes the Divine. Could the materialists +inaugurate their belauded age of reason, sentiment would perish +utterly in that pitiless atmosphere, and the world be reduced to +a basis of brute selfishness. The word duty would disappear, for +why should man die for man in a world whose one sole god was the +dollar. Why should a Damien sacrifice himself if selfish ease be +the only divinity? If there be no Fatherhood of God there can be +no Brotherhood of Man--we are but accidents, spawn of the sun and +slime, each an Ishmel considering only himself. Atheism means +universal anarchy. It means a kingdom without a king, laws +without a legislator, a machine without a master. An Atheist is a +public enemy. He would not only destroy the state but wreck +society. He would render life not worth the living. He would rob +us of our garden roses and fill our hands with artificial +flowers. And why? Because, forsooth, he finds that some articles +of religious faith are impossible fables. He sits down with a +microscope to examine the tables of the law for tracks of the +finger of him whose sentences are astral fire. He finds a foolish +contradiction in some so-called sacred book and imagines that he +has proven either that man's a fool or God's a fraud. "By +geometric scale he takes the measure of pots of ale." He calls +himself a "liberal," while fanatically intolerant of the honest +opinions of others. He is forever mistaking shadow for substance, +the accidental for the essential. He "disproves" religion without +in the least comprehending it. He hammers away at the Immaculate +Conception and the miracles with a vigor that amuses those who +realize that cults and creeds are but ephemeral, while faith in +the Almighty endures forever. And of all the Atheists and +Agnostics Bob Ingersoll is the most insupportable. He is but a +mouthful of sweetened wind, a painted echo, an oratorical +hurdy-gurdy that plays the music of others. He's as innocent of +original ideas as a Mexican fice of feathers. He gets down on the +muddy pave and wrangles with the "locus" preachers. He's a +theological shyster lawyer who takes advantage of technicalities. +He is not a philosopher--he's emphatically "a critic fly." He +examines the Christian cult inch by inch, just as Gulliver did +the cuticle of the Brobdingnagian maid who sat him astride her +nipple. He never contemplates the tout ensemble. He learns +absolutely nothing from the cumulative wisdom of the world. He +doesn't even appreciate the fact that the dominant religions of +the world to-day are couched in the language of oriental poetry. +He wastes his nervo-muscular energy demolishing the miracles. +When he gets through with the Bible I presume that he'll take a +fall out of aesop's Fables. He doesn't understand that the soul +of man has never learned a language--that all sacred books are +but an outward evidence of an inward grace. He doesn't know that +religion, like love, cannot be analyzed. Because the orient +pearls are imbedded in ocean slime he denies their existence. +Ingersoll and the "plenary inspiration" people are welcome to +fight it out--it's none of my funeral. You may prove Zoroaster a +myth, Moses a mountebank, Gautama a priestly grafter and Christ +the prototype of Francis Schlatter and other half-witted frauds; +but adoration of a superior power will remain a living, pulsing +thing in the hearts of the people. It is this poetry, this +sentiment, this sense of duty, which transcends the dollar that +constitutes the adhesive principle of society and makes +civilization possible. + + + +A COUPLE OF UNCLEAN COYOTES. + +There are times when language seems made, as Talleyrand would +say, to conceal thought; times when in no known tongue can one +body forth his indignation or express a tithe of his contempt--he +gropes in vain for invectives that bear upon their sulphurous +wings an adumbration of his anger. One must sometimes stand +speechless before a subject, else burn his lips with blasphemy or +befoul them with billingsgate. Two months ago my attention was +called to a precious pair of attorneys at San Antonio, Texas, who +seem to have not only touched the profoundest depths of +subter-brutish degradation, but to have wallowed there like swine +in an open sewer, proud of their own dishonor, infatuated with +their rank disgrace. Time and again I have been requested to hold +them up to the scorn of human-kind, and time and again I have +essayed the subject only to find the product of my pen +unprintable--it would have melted the type and burned a hole in +an asbestos mailbag. But indignation cools as the days run, +philosophy asserts itself, and perchance I can speak of these +offenders in language sufficiently polite to escape the attention +of the police. The facts may be summarized as follows: A modest, +well-behaved German girl named Wulff was brutally assaulted and +raped on a lonely road by a negro named Robinson, who decoyed her +to the place of her undoing by telling her mother that he had +been commissioned by a reputable white woman to secure a +serving-maid. His victim dragged herself back to her mother's +door, and, half dead with grief and fright, related the awful +story of her despoilment. The lying coon was apprehended and +tried for his hellish crime. There could not be the slightest +doubt regarding his guilt. He was fully identified. His general +bad character was amply proven. The doctors declared that the +child had been forcibly despoiled. The neighbors testified that +she had returned to her home with torn and muddy clothing, half +strangled and crying. The good character of plaintiff was +demonstrated beyond peradventure of a doubt. Yet in San Antonio, +that Mecca of Southern chivalry, there stood forth two +white-skinned lawyers to defend the lecher. These were McAnderson +and E. D. Henry. Do not forget these names--they represent the +sum and crown of infamy. They are names with which to conjure +evil spirits. By one shameful act they have been "damned to +everlasting fame." Henceforth when babes are naughty their +mothers will affright them with these foul bogey-men. In almighty +Milton's catalogue of unclean demons there is naught so damnable. +These two champions of a rape-fiend first attempted to establish +an alibi, to prove that the girl was lying about their +sweet-scented protege--that she was laying claim to a sexual +distinction which she did not deserve. That having failed +miserably, the attorneys changed their tactics. They knew that +their client was guilty, yet were anxious to turn the black son +of Perdition loose upon society. They admitted that he had +debauched the girl, but insisted that it was with her +consent--that this modest little German maid was the black +brute's mistress. They scared up a brace of worthless brutes who +testified to having seen plaintiff bathing naked in a creek with +the prisoner at the bar. It was quickly demonstrated that these +fellows were guilty of deliberate falsehood. The perjured +witnesses were impeached. To say that defendant's attorneys did +not know when they placed these witnesses on the stand that they +would exploit a foul calumny cooked up for the occasion, were to +brand them as hopeless fools. If they did know it they were +knaves--and they are welcome to impale themselves on either horn +of the dilemma they like. They next attempted to badger and +browbeat the poor girl into an admission that she had made an +assignation with the Senegambian. The local papers in reporting +the case said the language used by these chivalrous (?) Southern +gentlemen to the plaintiff was unprintable. They secured no +admission of guilt--not one word that could be distorted to her +discredit; but they did succeed in driving the child into +hysterics with their brutal insults and damnable innuendos. +Remember that this was not Muckle-Mouth Meg who was thus publicly +accused of criminal intimacy with a coon, but a 16-year old maid +of respectable family who was seeking a situation as housemaid to +assist her mother. But the foul-mouthed and foul-minded creatures +who had undertaken to save the neck of the ravisher cared naught +for a young girl's reputation. The villain Robinson was given a +life-term in the penitentiary--and his attorneys expressed +themselves as "satisfied with the verdict." Why were they +satisfied? Because they knew that their client deserved to hang +like a sheep-stealing hound. It was a brutal confession that in +questioning the good name of Miss Wulff, in branding her as the +mistress of a black, they were guilty of a more heinous crime +than the beast who defiled her body. And this actually happened +in San Antonio, a city whose very name thrills every fibre of +American manhood--a city from whose turrets the flags of five +nations have proudly fluttered--a city whose every foot of soil +has been time and again baptised with the blood of the brave--a +city that twice within the century has put Thermopylae to shame! +Yet I am told that these unclean birds, who befoul so fair a nest +are allowed to live in San Antonio, to walk her streets, to elbow +her proud sons and look her proud daughters in the face! How have +the mighty fallen! There was a time when to have breathed a word +against the good name of an honest girl, howsoever humble, would +have meant the bowie-knife's fearful plunge and a dead face +staring at the stars. It were curious to reflect what would have +happened had the victim of Ethiopian lust been Lady Vere de Vere +instead of a scullery maid! What would have happened? Why, the +brute would have been torn limb from limb and his carcass fed to +the buzzards, while any man who dared hint that she was his +paramour would have been hanged higher than Haman. "The trail of +the serpent is over us all," the golden calf has become our +supreme god, and even in the South it now matters much whether a +woman seeking justice be clothed in gowns of Worth or +linsey-wolsey. + +I once discovered in Massachusetts what I considered to be the +world's meanest man. It was Rev. Spenser B. Meeser, engineer of a +Worcester gospel-mill. He was a beggar's brat who had been +clothed, fed and educated by old Stephen Girard's bounty, but +when he grew to manhood--or doghood--he puked on the grave of his +benefactor because the latter elected to be an Atheist instead of +a bigoted Baptist. I could not at the time conceive of anything +meaner wearing the name of man, of a crime blacker than base +ingratitude, of aught more damnable than calumniation of the +honored dead; but Massachusetts will have to surrender the +pennant of infamy to the South. Texas has succeeded in producing +two men, either of whom is infinitely meaner than Meeser. The +latter did no more than insult the memory of the man whose bread +he had broken, and he did this as an excuse for not contributing +a little money towards building him a monument. The meanness of +Meeser was solely mercenary--he found it easier to slander the +dead than to give up a dollar. The San Antonio lawyers sought to +turn a black rape-fiend loose to defile the women of the South, +to endanger their own daughters; and to perpetrate this crime +strove with tooth and nail to commit one even more damnable. + +Fifty years ago Macaulay wrote of Bertrand Barere: "When we put +everything together, poltroonery, baseness, effrontery, +mendacity, barbarity, the result is something which in a novel we +should condemn as caricature, and to which, we venture to say, no +parallel can be found in history." It is indeed a pity the great +essayist did not live to contemplate this pair of Texas +attorneys. He would have learned, doubtless to his surprise, that +"the Anacreon of the guillotine" was a pretty decent fellow--by +comparison. Barere was a monster born of a reign of blood. He +gave the friends of his youth to the guillotine. So terrible was +his savagery that he became known as "the Witling of Terror." He +was an able-bodied and enterprising liar who never told the truth +unless by accident; but in his most demoniac moods it did not +occur to him to prove recreant to his race, to torture children +that he might enjoy their agony, to brand innocent girls, who +could scarce look upon their own budding bosoms without a blush, +as the depraved paramours of syphilitic Senegambians. Ah +Macaulay! from thy Seventh Heaven, reserved for the lords of +intellect--the children of genius, who needs must be the +favorites of Omniscience--shake down a drop of cold water upon +the blistered lips of Bertrand Barere, for they did not frame the +supreme falsehood--nor did he strive to unchain a black lecher +that he might imperil the honor of the ladies of his native land. +Despite all his sin and shame, he would have looked upon that +dishonored daughter of the Caucasian race and cried for +vengeance. + +Carlyle, greatest of critics, the supreme lord of +literature--that Scottish Arcturus before whom even Shakespeare's +glorious star pals its ineffectual fires--awards the palm of +correlated cussedness to Cagliostro; yet the "count" was merely a +successful swindler and professional pander. He plucked rich +dupes, but I find not in his long catalogue of crime that he +slandered youthful serving maids--for a consideration. He was +advocate for many an unclean thing, but it is not recorded that +he ever took a fee from a negro rape-fiend--that he ever defended +a lecherous son of Ham who had dared raise his wolfish eyes to +the fair face of Japhet's humblest daughter. Even when put on +trial for his own worthless life he did not seek to save himself +by the perjured testimony of the sons of slaves. + +Cagliostro, Barere and Meeser--the positive, comparative and +superlative of infamy hitherto! but we must turn to "Grand old +Texas" to find unblushing effrontry and irremediable rascality. +Some months ago a creature named Otis, who conducts somewhere in +Southern California a putrid abortion miscalled a newspaper, +declared in his columns that Southern women are often paramours +of black bucks, and that the frequent lynching of so-called +rape-fiends are due to discovery of these unnatural liaisons. But +as Otis commanded a company of coons during the war--a job which +no gentleman would have accepted to save his immortal soul--and +as he has a head shaped like a gourd and a face strongly +suggestive of a degenerate simian, his foolish lies only produced +a general laugh; yet here are two alleged Southern gentlemen, +certifying in open court that Otis' cowardly falsehoods have a +broad foundation of fact! In the whole world's history there is +but one other instance of such shameless infamy, and that too +belongs to Texas. When the 14-year old "ward of the Baptist +church" was debauched at its chief storm center of bigotry and +bile, Baylor University, the sweet scented son-in-law of +President Burleson tried to make it appear that she was enciente +by a Senegambian--that young and innocent girls committed to its +care were so poorly guarded that it was possible for them to have +nigger babies!--Yet this defamer of Baptist womanhood has not yet +been introduced to a rope by the male students, attacked from the +rear by Baylor trustees, or told to leave town! Fortunately the +young lady was able to refute this slander of the University and +its inmates by putting a white baby in evidence--the pickaninny +specialty having been reserved by Providence for the manager of +the Baptist missionary board. + +One cannot help asking if Miss Wulff has no male relatives, or if +gunpowder is no longer sold in the Alamo City. As I understand +it, her people are late from the Fatherland--have yet to learn +that in some cases society expects a man to overlook the law, to +kill as unclean curs those who thus defame a female member of +their family. It is possible that there are other shyster lawyers +as mean, other bipedal coyotes as contemptible as those under +consideration; but if so they have not yet been called to the +attention of the ICONOCLAST. True it is, however, that the +average attorney cares more for victory than for virtue. +Howsoever honest and upright he may be in private life, the +moment he enters the court-room he becomes an unnatural monster, +willing to accept the devil as client and win his case at any +cost. It is likewise true that the courts allow too large a +liberty to lawyers in the examination of witnesses for the +opposition, permitting them to call in question the honor of men +of well-known probity and cast suspicion on the character of +women full as good as their wives in order to make an impression +on the jury that will redound to the interest of cut-throat +clients. It has come to such a pass in this so-called chivalrous +country that sensitive women will submit to almost any wrong +rather than seek redress in our courts of law, where they are +liable to be subjected to studied insult by unconscionable +shysters. It were well for the people to take this matter in hand +and make it plain to all concerned that courts do not exist for +the express purpose of enabling blackguard lawyers to pocket fat +fees for aiding professional criminals to escape the legitimate +consequence of their crimes, but to secure even and exact +justice--to insist that henceforth these legal parasites be +compelled to treat them with common courtesy. It might be well +for the South to vary the program by lynching fewer rape-fiends +and more shysters lawyers. + + * * * +COINING BLOOD INTO BOODLE. + +Some months ago the ICONOCLAST paid its respects to the old line +insurance companies. It demonstrated beyond the peradventure of a +doubt that they are but so many cut-throat gambling concerns. It +proved that they are consuming the substance of the people by +returning in satisfaction of matured policies about one-third +what they collect in premiums. Of course, the expose aroused the +ban-dogs of Dives, and they made the welkin ring from Tadmor in +the wilderness to Yuba Dam. The ICONOCLAST became a target for +oodles of cheap wit and barrels of black-guardism by the +journalistic organ-grinders for the insurance buccaneers; but as +yet none of the megalophanous-mouthed micrococci have attempted +to answer its arguments or to demonstrate that the indictment was +too drastic. A gentleman who has made an exhaustive study of the +insurance problem sends me some valuable data which I propose to +draw upon from time to time, not with the expectation of making +high-toned thieves ashamed of themselves and thereby effecting +their reformation, but to keep their newspaper panders and +potwallopers snarling and snapping until general attention is +attracted to the consummate meanness of their masters and thereby +curtail somewhat their powers of despoilation. The old line life +insurance fake is the most colossal scheme of predacity known to +human history. Enough money is annually filched from the people +to clothe every pauper like unto Solomon in all his glory and +feed him upon the fat of the land. Millions of Americans are +today denying themselves creature comforts to pay premiums on +policies that will never yield their dependents one penny. The +old line fraud flourishes simply because, in the language of the +erstwhile P. T. Barnum, the American people love to be hood-dooed +and humbugged. I do not by this mean to reflect upon the +commercial integrity of all men soliciting old line insurance. +Many of them are elegant gentlemen who have engaged, quite +unconsciously, in very bad business. The Deity should forgive +them for they know not what they do. They really believe that +they are engaged in a work of philanthropy, while devoting their +best energies to the promotion of a fraud. The average +policy-holder knows little or nothing about life- insurance. He +desires to provide for his dependants; but being unable to +accumulate much property, he scrapes and saves and pays to some +remorseless robber all his surplus money. He wants to be doubly +sure that the company is solvent and will remain so, hence he +selects one boasting enormous "assets." It does not once occur to +him that the aforesaid assets have been accumulated in a very few +years by bumping the heads of other suckers. He pays the rate +prescribed without considering whether it be high enough to keep +the company solvent or low enough to stamp his investment as +commercial sanity. He is little concerned about "dividends," but +wants to be assured that at the time of his death his heirs will +be paid a certain number of dollars. So he goes up against a +mammoth slot-machine which absorbs dollars while it rolls out +dimes. He knows that the widow so-and-so was paid so much +insurance, and takes it for granted that it is a good thing. He +sees the little pile of coin poured into her lap, but he does not +see the greedy hands of the corporation despoiling a hundred +pockets to make up treble the amount. He hears much about what +the Flim- Flam Life Insurance Co. has paid on policies, but +nothing about what it has collected in premiums. So he makes his +old threadbare coat do for another decade, lets his wife go +without a new gown, feeds his children on slapjacks and sop and +surrenders for life insurance the surplus thus saved. No "cheap +insurance" for him!--he wants to get into a "time-tried" +financial Gibralter. He is told by the agent of an old liner of +its enormous "legal reserve," and innocently supposes this to be +a portion of its available assets--the one thing which makes it +"solid." He contemplates a long array of figures and assumes that +Old Mortality might sweep the land with War or pestilence without +affecting the solvency of his patron saint. The agent neglects to +inform him that the "legal reserve," which looms up like a +seventy four in a fog, cannot be utilized in the discharge of +death-claims, that insofar as the average policy holder is +concerned it is simply a beautiful legend on an advertising +blotter. When I was editor of the San Antonio Express the +philanthropic proprietor gave me a block of land in the city of +Laredo in lieu of a raise of salary, but neglected to supply me +with a deed to same. The land is mine, all right enough, but is +no part of my available assets--it's my "legal reserve." Like its +insurance namesake, it's a liability to the exact extent that +it's an asset. It is an awfully nice thing to have, but adds +never a cent to my solvency. My correspondent points out that it +costs policy holders in old line companies more to maintain the +legal reserve than it does to provide for losses by death, and +adds that this is proven by the fact that all such companies +doing business in the State of New York must have on hand in +cash, or in invested assets approved by the insurance department, +the reserve belonging to all the policies which they have in +force. This means that they must retain or keep invested a sum +equal to about two-thirds of all the premiums paid on all +existing policies. The moment they part with any portion of this +reserve for any purpose whatsoever, they are declared insolvent +and wound up by a receiver. In other words, the corporation is +d----d if it does and the policy holder is d----d if it doesn't. +That the latter gets the sulphur bath goes without saying. The +four largest old system companies doing business in New York had, +on Jan. 1, 1893, $48,265,798 more in legal reserve than the total +amount which they have paid in death losses and endowments during +their entire existence! With this fact before him, how in the +name of heaven any sane man can be induced by an old system +company to enact the role of sucker surpasses my comprehension. +Five years ago the net assets of the largest old line life +insurance company in the world amounted to $165,000,000, of which +more than $158,000,000 was legal reserve. Had a shrinkage of 10 +per cent occurred in the value of its investments its reserve +would have been impaired and the corporation declared insolvent. +So long ago as 1878 the Union Mutual Life Insurance Co. +acknowledged over the signatures of its general officers that it +had collected from its policy holders more than $45,000,000 +"beyond the necessities of our business." It felt so badly about +this that it proceeded to raise the cost of management from $5 to +$11.57 on the $1,000 and shove up the premium something more than +20 per cent! It is believed that the gutta percha conscience of +the general officers is now reasonably easy--that "the +necessities of our business" are not on a parity with the ability +of the corporation to yank the legs of the guileless yap. In 1873 +this company paid in dividends $29 on each $1,000 insurance in +force; in 1895 it paid--despite the increased cost of +premiums--but $2.16. All the old line companies, so far as I +know, have been increasing premiums and cost of management while +decreasing dividends. "Loading" is another scheme by which all +old line or legal reserve companies rob the people. "Loading" +means simply the placing of a sufficient burden on the patron to +freeze him out before maturity of his policy and enable the +company to pocket all he has paid in premiums. The idea of the +old liners is to squeeze a victim dry and get rid of him--to +"load" him until his financial back is broken. That the system is +proven by the fact that only one policy in seven is ever paid. +Six out of every seven people who insure in the old line +companies pay heavy premiums for a longer or shorter period and +never receive back a cent. They lie down under their "load." By +such methods these systematic blood-suckers acquire those vast +assets that make them so "solvent." By such practices they are +enabled to pay $75,000 salaries to their presidents while the +chief magistrate of the Republic must worry along on less money. +By the pernicious system of "loading" a patron is charged four +times as much for operating expenses at 60 years of age as he is +charged at 25, although it costs the same to collect his premiums +and furnish a receipt therefor. The idea is that the older he +grows the more likely he is to prove a loss to the company, +hence his burden is made too grievous to be borne. Life insurance +should be a public blessing instead of a bane. Properly applied +it would well-nigh eliminate pauperism. As matters now stand it +is too often a promoter of poverty instead of a preventative. To +shelter one family the old line companies turn two or more into +the street. To feed the few they starve the many. They coldly +speculate in the holiest affections of the human heart. They +remorselessly coin blood into boodle. They wring the last +farthing from the thin purse of labor for their own enrichment. +They obtain patronage of the ignorant by false pretenses. They +permit the people to regard their legal reserve as available for +all purposes. They parade eight and nine-figure assets as things +to be proud of, when they are in reality the fruits of shameless +despoiliation of the poor. They pose as benevolent institutions +while the land is filled with those whom they have robbed and +wrecked. The government should suppress these eminently +respectable gambling games. They have caused more sorrow, +destitution and crime than all the cards and dice this side of +the dark dominion of the devil. The horse-leech's daughters +should be pulled off the body politic. Not only should the +government suppress these shameless skin games which collect gold +and distribute copper, but it should supply life insurance to +heads of families at cost and make it compulsory. It should be an +offense against the law, punishable by imprisonment for a man to +bring a child into the world without first providing for its +support in case of his death or disability, and in no other way +can the poor so easily make such provision as by a system of life +insurance conducted for the benefit of the many instead of the +enrichment of the few. + + +A BIGOTED ARCHBISHOP. + +All the fools are not confined to any one political party or +religious cult. As a rule the Catholic clergy, while +ultra-dogmatic, are thoroughly decent. While standing up stiffly +for all the claims of their creed, they treat their Protestant +neighbors with courteous toleration. There are exceptions to most +rules, hence it does not infallibly follow that a man is a +gentleman because he is a priest of the Church of Rome. The +unworthy are usually discovered and weeded out, but their +dismissal does not entirely repair the damage done by criminal or +foolish utterance. It is seldom indeed that the Mother-Church +permits a small-bore bigot or brainless blatherskite to rise to +the dignity of an archbishop, but one such has evidently escaped +her watchful eye. Archbishop Cleary, of Kingston, Can., recently +distinguished himself by an ebullition of unchristian bile that +will long be used as an excuse for the existence of the A.P.A. +His utterances were a disgrace to his office. They were beneath +the dignity of the humblest neophite of the Church of Rome. They +remind one of the old Puritanical tongue-borers and witch- +burners. They suggest the Star Chamber of England and the +Inquisition of Spain. The brutality staggers the brain and chills +the blood. They compel those who have ever felt kindly towards +Catholicism to pause and consider. Although the voice of the +Vatican is strangely at variance with the astounding mandate of +the Archbishop, the latter has been pounced upon and exploited by +the "Apes" as an official utterance of the Pope. It appears that +a Catholic young lady officiated as bridesmaid for a friend who +was married in a Protestant church and according to the rites of +that religion. Therefore his reverence proceeded to have a +cataleptoid convulsion and cut fantastic capers before high +heaven. It was entirely within his sacerdotal province to +administer a reprimand. He could, without transcending the +proprieties have advised the Catholics of his diocese to refrain +from officiating at Protestant marriages in future. He did +neither the one nor the other, but proceeded to issue a mandate +which, reduced to the last analysis, means simply that a marriage +not consummated by the Catholic church is no marriage at all, but +simply concubinage born of lust and wickedly sanctioned by human +law. He forbade Catholics, under pain of his dire displeasure, +even witnessing Protestant marriages or attending as mere +spectators at Protestant funerals. Archbishop Cleary has +flagrantly insulted every non-Catholic wife in the world. He cast +the baleful bar-sinister on the escutcheon of every child born of +non-Catholic parents. With all due respect to his holy office, +Archbishop Cleary is one ass. He is a brute who should be taken +out and bastinadoed. Of course due allowance must be made for the +fact that he is a Canuck. Canada is but half-civilized. It is +still "loil" to old England, the strumpet of nations, the +governmental harlot of history. It continues to take its manners +and customs from the old country. It is to the Queen's apron +strings like an idiot's scalp to the belt of an Apache squaw. +Whenever John Bull whistles it comes a running like a half-grown +spaniel at the call of a stable-boy. It has never mustered up +sufficient sense and sand to set up for itself. It is the red +bandana upon which Britannia blows her protrusive bugle. It is +the cuspidore into which she voids her royal rheum. We could not +expect much even from a Catholic archbishop in such a country. In +fact, the Canadian Catholics, like the Canadian Protestants, are +so narrow between the eyes that they can look through a key-hole +with both eyes at once. Their heads are small and ill-furnished. +The winters are so long that the sap cannot rise to the top--it +stops at the belly-band and there coagulates. Canadians of any +faith are scarce so broad in the religious beam as Texas +Baptists, who believe that unless a man be treated to a +sanctified plunge- bath by some acephalous shouter he is headed +direct for hell. Still it is something of a shock to hear even a +Canadian archbishop branding four-fifths of the people of this +world as bastards. It makes one ashamed of the genus homo to hear +him forbidding Catholics attending the funerals of their +Protestant friends. One cannot help asking, What of marriage and +motherhood during the long ages before St. Peter became Pope? Was +Eve a concubine and Sara a slut? Has Archbishop Cleary an hundred +generations of harlotry behind him? I am seeking no controversy +with Catholicism. With its peculiar ideas of marriage and divorce +I have nothing at present to do. I am simply tying a few +bow-knots in the ears of an ass. I deny, however, that it is +within the power of any church to add to the sanctity of a +marriage ceremony. Marriage is nothing more or less than formal +notification to the world that a man and woman have already +become husband and wife. It matters not how this announcement is +made, so long as due respect is shown the established customs of +the country, so long as it is generally accepted as sufficient. +"What God hath put together, let no man put asunder," cried the +Archbishop as he contemplates the possible annulment of a +non-Catholic marriage contract. What God hath put together no man +CAN put asunder. Even the almighty hand of death cannot break +that sacred bond. But how does God join people together?--how +does he make a man and woman husband and wife? Is it by the +mumbled formula of priests or magistrates? If so, then is a +MARIAGE DE CONVENIANCE AS SACRED as the mating of Cupid and +Psyche. Then is the union of a snub-nosed American parvenu with +an idiotic European "nobleman" whom she has bought with her +daddy's dollars as holy in the sight of heaven as that of old +Isaac's son with Laban's beauteous daughter. God joins man and +woman together only with the golden links of love. When they are +joined thus they are bone of one bone and flesh of one flesh. +Were they alone in the world no marriage ceremony would be +needful; but being a portion of society they must obtain its +sanction. When they are joined together by church or state and +love is lacking the union is not of heaven, but of hell. The +woman is no true wife, but a kept mistress, and every child born +unto her is a bastard. She has sold herself, and the priest or +preacher who knowingly sets the seal of his approval upon her sin +becomes an accomplice in a subterbrutish crime. But neither +church nor state can read a woman's heart--all it can do is to +announce to the world, "This woman elects to be that man's wife." +There's naught more sacrosanct in the act of church or state in +so far as the marriage ceremony is concerned than in the +newspaper notice of its consummation. A few years ago a young and +cultured woman, a woman beautiful as the dawn and with a +suggestion of the Madonna in her fair young face, was persuaded +by an ambitious mother to marry an old Silenus whom the political +ocean in its madness had scooped out of the ooze and thrown among +the stars. Three children have been born to her, and if current +report may be credited, all are semi-idiots. Her gross husband is +so repulsive to her that her babies are conceived as in some +devil's dream and brought forth in despair. Thank heaven this +ill-mated couple are not Catholics. But had they been: does +Archbishop Cleary mean to tell me that all the power of the +Church of Rome could have rendered their union holy? It is quite +likely that Archbishop Cleary will not have to wait very long for +a letter from Rome. When it comes I opine that it will contain a +friendly tip from the Pope not to talk too much. His Holiness is +a man of great good sense, and it will naturally occur to him +that while reasonable church discipline is desirable it may be +enforced without flagrantly insulting the millions of very worthy +people who decline to accept his dogma. + + * * * +SALMAGUNDI. + +This year's crop of Christmas accidents appears to be up to the +average. As an angel-maker Christmas outclasses St. Patrick's day +and is almost equal to the Fourth of July. The North celebrates +the birth of our dear Lord by stuffing itself to the bursting +point with plum budding, while the South manifests its +appreciation of God's mercy by blowing itself to pieces with +gunpowder. Dozens of people were killed, hundreds lost more or +less important portions of their anatomy while a great army of +new-made dyspeptics goes marching onward to the grave. I cannot +understand what either plumpudding or gunpowder has to do with +saving grace. The man must be very gross who can celebrate with +gluttony and drunkenness the birth of the Redeemer. Why should +anyone desire to transform the world into a murderous pandemonium +because of the arrival of the Prince of Peace? Truth to tell, +Christmas has become a secular holiday rather than a day for +religious rejoicing, and Deists, Atheists and Agnostics take as +much interest in its observation as do those who believe in the +divinity of the Babe of Bethlehem. More people get drunk on +Christmas than on any other day in the year. It is a time of +violence and blood, rather than of "peace on earth, good will to +men." I move that we switch, and instead of celebrating the +nativity of Christ, observe the birth of Bacchus. We will then be +privileged to drink until we are drunken. We can then stuff +ourselves with the good things of earth and be consistent. We can +then explode cannon-crackers, fire anvils and yoop with our +mouths open without being guilty of the slightest disrespect to +our God. But what must Christ Jesus think as he looks over the +jasper walls, of this high revel, supposedly held as a sacrament? +Surely he must be sorry he was ever born of woman. But gluttony, +and drunkenness and fireworks are not the full extent of a +so-called Christian world's offering. We have perverted the +communistic doctrine of Christ in our practice of giving +Christian presents. So long as custom confines gifts to immediate +relatives and dependents it was well enough, for the largesse was +usually selected with discretion and prompted by love; but it has +now become the practice to send gifts to pretty much the entire +circle of one's acquaintances. The result is the expenditure of +tens of millions of money annually in the purchase of useless +plunder. And the worst of it is that presents are usually given +on the reciprocity plan--the custom has well nigh left the realm +of sentiment and degenerated into social tyranny or brute +selfishness. The homes of this land are littered to-day with +trash which the recipients did not want and cannot use. And half +the people who incurred this foolish expense are suffering the +inconvenience of poverty. On the day after Christmas a lady +shoved me her presents. They made a truly imposing pile. "There's +not a solitary thing in the entire load," said she, "for which I +have the slightest use. I cannot retain much of the stuff as +keepsakes because of the bulk, and I am neither privileged to +sell it or to give it away. I would have appreciated a rose or a +ribbon from one I love more than all this trumpery from the +people who are for the most part mere acquaintances. And I? Oh I +adhered to the custom--went broke buying a lot of useless truck +with which to encumber others. And now that Christmas is over and +we contemplate our thin purses and impossible presents, we all +wonder why 'that monster custom' doesn't permit us to exercise a +little common sense. Christmas is becoming ever more and more a +nightmare to me. The dinners are simply dreadful. The housewife +begins a month in advance to plot against the stomachs of her +people. I never ate but one Christmas dinner for which I did not +feel like apologizing to my doctor, and that was not eaten in +strictly religious company. It was a regular Bohemian lunch +partaken of on a Pullman by myself, a newspaper man and two other +sinners. The everlasting roast turkey, the pudding, pies and all +the rest of the greasy, indigestible mass was missing. We had +tongue sandwiches and Budweiser, deviled ham and more beer. I +remarked that we were awfully wicked, but the newspaper man +consoled me by saying the Christ was something of a Bohemian +himself. We take an infinite deal of pains and spend an awful +sight of money just to make ourselves miserable." One great +trouble with the American people is that they do not have nearly +enough holidays. In fact, Christmas is the only one really worthy +of the name, for on New Year's, and July Fourth, we do not cease +business until noon, while on Thanksgiving we forget to chase the +nimble nickel merely long enough to feed. Next to gain-getting, +eating seems to be the important business of the Universe. It is +the manner in which a semi-civilized people express pleasure. +Ouida has called attention to this fact somewhere. If a general +wins an important battle, if a poet writes an immortal epic, if a +Columbus discovers a new world, or if a God becomes incarnate +we--eat! Yet there be sentimentalists who say that soul and +stomach are not synonymous! It appears that the heart cannot +feel, that the brain cannot enjoy unless we're shovelling a +varied assortment of provender into the belly. That humble but +useful organ seems to be the seat of all joy, as it is the source +of most sorrow. + + . . . + + The American custom of "treating" is receiving some severe +criticism from the European press. It deserves it. It is one of +the most ridiculous and hurtful that ever cursed mankind. It is +responsible for the bulk of the crime and pauperism usually +accredited to John Barleycorn. Where there is no treating there's +usually little intemperance. When a man steps into a "resort" for +a glass of beer he's pretty apt to find a party lined up at the +bar. He wants to pay for his beer, drink it and take his +departure. But this is not permitted. He may have no more than a +passing acquaintance with any of those present, but he must drink +with the crowd, and having done so feels obligated to ask the +crowd to drink with him. It does so, and he's "out" from one to +three dollars. Having drunk with Tom he must drink with Dick and +with Harry, and when he departs he's more than half drunk. The +chances are that he could ill afford the expense incurred--that +if left to himself he would have taken one drink instead of a +dozen. "Treating" is a foolish custom that should be abolished in +the interest of sobriety. It is good neither for the saloon nor +for society. It is not good for the saloon because it occasions +drunkenness and disorder and causes it to be avoided by thousands +of otherwise good paying patrons. It is not good for society +because weak men waste their substance, and a drunken man is an +unsafe citizen. But the treating habit has too strong a grip on +the American people to be eliminated by magazine essays--it must +be made a misdemeanor. I am told that in Germany it matters NOT +how friendly the members of a symposiac may be, everybody is +expected to order and pay for his own booze. The result is that +the German drinking place is respectable as the average +restaurant and is patronized by almost the entire people. +Temperance is the rule--stimulants are freely used but seldom +abused. The treating habit is born of the American desire to +"splurge." It means an enormous waste of money. It likewise means +a sinful waste of good wine, for when a crowd of men belly a bar +and pour stimulants into themselves as swine absorb swill it +really matters little whether they drink Pomeroy See or +barrel-house booze. They do not enjoy their potations--their only +desire is to make drunk come. The treating habit is making of us +a swinish people and strengthening the hands of the +Prohibitionists. . . . + +The "Rev." Sam Jones of Jawgy has broken loose again. This time +he sets his cornstalk spear in rest and charges full tilt at the +public school system and pretty much everything else in sight. +His pathway is strewn with a gruesome wreck of the English +grammar. Sam discussing the merits of education suggest a brindle +mule criticising the Venus de Milo or a scavenger expatiating on +the odors of Araby. His reverence (?) has become imbued with the +idea that it spoils a boy to educate him, which goes to prove +that the less a man knows the more he despises knowledge. But we +can scarce blame Sam for railing at education. He is but obeying +the law of self-preservation. When the people learn to +distinguish between a hawk and a heron-saw they will drive this +putrid-mouth little blatherskite from the pulpit. . . . + +The New York Press wants all niggers holding federal offices in +the South "armed to the teeth" for their own protection. It has +an idea that the South is peopled only by "white savages" whose +favorite sport is the shooting of nigger officer-holders from +ambush. Like the erstwhile Artemus Ward's monkey, the editor of +the Press is "a most amusin kuss." The South never gets angry at +that kind of an animal. Occasionally a corrupt Republican +administration appoints some ignorant Ethiopian to office who +becomes insufferably insolent to his white neighbors and is +called down with a six-shooter; but for every negro office-holder +"assassinated by Southern savages" at least five white women are +dragged from their homes by Northern white-caps and brutally +abused. Who says so? I do; and I stand ready to prove it by the +files of the leading Republican paper of this nation for ten +years past. I refer, of course, to the St. Louis Globe- Democrat, +the best all-around newspaper in the world. The South has very +little affection for nigger office- holders, but they are full as +safe as any other class of citizens so long as they behave +themselves. The black man is not to blame for accepting an +office, it is the Republican administration that deserves censure +in thus making him the political superior of his white brethern. +It is not the nigger who deserves killing, but the meddlesome +Yankee editors who encourage him to be insolent. + + . . . + + According to press report a fashionable New York society female +has dismissed her maid and engaged a valet. Well, if the dear +creature enjoys having a man dress and undress her, comb her hair +and lace her corsets why should an envious world stand on its +hinder legs and carp? New York fashionables must have some +antidote for ennui. If it be proper for ladies to have valets I +presume that it is permissible for men to have maids. What is +sauce for the goose should be sauce for the gander. Verily "the +world do move." + + . . . + +In the morning Mr. Logan wore a doeskin box coat with pearl +buttons nearly as large as alarm clocks in two rows on it. His +spats were old-gold color to match. In the afternoon he wore a +dark plaid coat and trousers and a saffron-colored vest. The vest +was garnished with maroon-colored inch-and-a-quarter checks. He +wore an Ascot scarf, dark blue, with lavender polka dots. His +scarfpin was a gold whip four inches long and set with a +half-inch turqoise in the middle. He wore ox-blood shoes in the +morning and ox-blood gloves and in the afternoon his shoes and +gloves were buff colored. In the evening he wore full +dress.--Chicago Times-Herald. + + And still we wonder at the increase of crime! Could any +self-respecting Texan with a six-shooter concealed about his +person be expected to meet such a gorgeous bird o' paradise and +suffer it to escape? I wonder if Mr. Logan scrapes his tongue, +manicures his toes and puts his moustache on curl papers? And I +wonder what the devil old "Black Jack" would say could he wake up +long enough to take survey of his clothes-horn of a son? And I +wonder what the deuce the woman who married it will do with it? +And I wonder why the hades his ma doesn't lead the little man out +into the woodshed, remove his panties, lay him across the +maternal knee and hit him 'steen times across the rear elevation +with a green cypress shingle? Think of a featherless he animal +playing peacock--no mission in God's world but to dress and +undress itself three times a day. . . . + +The New York Medical Record says that "a custom prevails in this +country that ministers should be considered as free from +pecuniary obligation to the doctor for service rendered." The +Record then proceeds to file a very vigorous kick because of the +aforesaid custom, broadly intimating that sky-pilots in general +are long on gall and short on gratitude. There is certainly no +reason why the preacher, who usually receives a good salary, +should not pay for his poultices and pills. When he relieves +cases of soul-sickness he does so "for the glory of God" and the +long green. He expects to be paid twice for his services--once +here and again in heaven. The doctor of medicine is not +infrequently poorer in this world's goods than the preacher, and +he looks forward to but one fee. He should not be deprived of +that by men who sweetly sing: + + "I would not live always, I ask not to stay." + + If the doctors treat the dominies gratis it follows as a matter +of course that they must recoup themselves by adding to the bills +of their lay brethren, just as railway companies which carry +preachers at half-rate must saddle the loss upon their other +patrons. + + . . . + +Mintonville, Ky., not only sticks to its gods, but insists on +clinging with a death grip to its good old orthodox devil, horns, +hoofs and tail. The Rev. Gilham of the Christian church of that +city, who has doubtless discovered recently that that unimportant +portion of the world which moves and has its being outside of +Mintonville had several centuries back diplomatically dropped the +devil question, undertook to inform his flock that he, too had +arrived at the conclusion that his Satanic Majesty was a myth, a +delusion and a snare, a howling farce. The reverend gentleman's +intentions were good, but he had reckoned without his +congregation. They had always had a devil who was responsible for +their pecadilloes; he was a convenient little institution to have +around when the pecadilloes were a little more numerous than was +compatible with the moral standard of Mintonville, and they +realized that if the devil were removed from the Mintonville +directory they would have to reform or shoulder their own +shortcomings. Either course was quite too sad to contemplate. In +fact the Mintonvillians positively would not contemplate them. +Give them their devil and they could safely straddle between the +horns of their dilemma. Remove their devil and they were undone. +But Parson Gilham asserted that there was no devil. Mintonville +had consequently to choose between their devil and their parson. +The world could furnish more parsons but it couldn't furnish more +devils. It was the parson and the devil for it and the red downed +the black--the parson had to go. The reverend gentleman was +ejected from his sacred office with scorn and contumely and +likewise a number of pistol shots. It is to be supposed that the +devil now reigns triumphant in Mintonville, while Gilham smooths +down his clerical coat-tails from the horizontal to the proper +perpendicular and wonders if he has not, like the proverbial +parrot, talked too damned much. + + * * * +THE FOOTLIGHT FAVORITES. +BY ETHELYN LESLIE HUSTON. + +In the December ICONOCLAST there appeared a tirade on "The Stage +and Stage Degenerates" that was as sweeping in its assertions as +it was narrow in its views. The writer revels in reminiscences of +his newspaper associations with the cheap beer-drinking, +sand-floor class, swings their vices and vulgarities before the +public, describes them as garbed in "loud patterned" trousers and +snow- white overcoats and epitomizes the whole thing as an Augean +stable, impure, impossible, vile, vulgar and bad. He then tells +us calmly that "these are the representatives of their +profession, so far as America is concerned," and he gives them to +us as the "middle class of the people of the footlights." + +If these are the "middle class," what is the next grade below? +Where does he place the dividing line? Does he make no +distinction between the vaudeville, continuous performance +buffoons and the thousands who are "not stars," but working well +and perhaps hoping? Does he call our scullery-maids and +stable-boys "representative American middle class?" Does he call +Mable Strickland and other dainty little hard-workers in minor +parts typical of the hideous coarseness and vice he has +described? Does he bracket THEM with his beer-drunk, easy-virtue +"chorus-girls?" Does he realize all he means when he says of +those he depicts "there were no stars among them, and none of the +lower stratum?" Briefly, did he know what he was writing about? + +When a man sits down on a curb stone with his feet in the gutter +to "study life" and imagines himself a philosopher, while he +moralizes on the muddy feet that pass him, he would probably feel +grieved if the strong hand of some clear-headed individual lifted +him up out of the gutter's filth and he was informed that much +depended upon one's view being from a level, not an incline. We +do not Judge our middle-class citizens by our cooks, and it is +apt to suggest unwisdom, to express it very mildly, to gauge the +men and women workers of the stage by beer-hall habitues and +fleshling courtesans. + +This an age of work and a generation of workers. The times, the +conditions, the needs of the century are driving women out into +the world as never before in the world's history. They must work +to live and to help others live and in every line of work +possible is woman found. The stage gives employment to thousands +of women eminently fitted to entertain and amuse the public. +Under ordinary conditions the great army of players find its lot +a not unpleasant one. Women bears its harness lightly, to whom +manual labor would be a mental and physical crucifixion. It is a +labor of brain as well as body, of the soul as well as the +senses, of the artistic as well as the prosaic. Its temptations +are many and its pitfalls are many, but they are little, if any, +more than are the temptations in many other fields of +self-support for women. And notwithstanding the gentleman's +profound deductions, there are a number of good women on the +American stage even if they are not "given credit for being so by +their fellow professionals"--and iconoclastic writers. And by +these I do not mean the weary females described by Lizzie +Annandale as reclining on the shoulders of their men companions, +in mal-adorous day coaches on cross-continent "jumps." These +women, if he will pardon the contradiction, are not the +"representative middle class of the American stage." They are +the scullery-maid class, for they are on the lowest rung of the +professional ladder and few ever ascend from that lowest rung. It +is their native element. + +But these women who are neither "stars or the lower stratum," who +study and labor, even though the labor be light through being one +of love for their profession, who give a refinement and a +sweetness to the many little dramas that appeal to critique and +common folk alike, who speak to us of wife and sister and mother +and sweetheart, and whose voices are as sweet and gestures as +gentle and personalities as refined as are those of our own home +women nestling safe in the firelight of our ingle-nook--these +women are not immoral in a ratio of "ten to one." And with them, +as with our home women, it is not their sense of morality that is +their greatest safe-guard. It is their sense of refinement. It is +a mistake to think that only Christian and moral women are +virtuous. "Passion leaps o'er cold decree," and Christian +precepts and moral teaching are cold and distant things when the +blood leaps like molton lava through heart and brain. With +Marguerite telling her beads, the prayers become but a babble of +empty sound on her lips when the sweet poison of her lover's +teachings crept through ear and heart and opened to her +wondering, frightened dreams a Paradise of sense and sound and +sweetness and dreamy, swooning loveliness before which her +pictured pearl and golden heaven waxed chill and distant and +austere. Prayers did not save Francesca from the sweet torment of +her Passion and her Purgatory. Prayers save but rarely, for they +are to darkness and to mystery that give back only the awful +weight of silence--silence under which the frantic heart +struggles and stifles as beneath a pall. Prayers reach out to an +infinity that is shrouded always, but the lover's lips are sweet +and the caress is close and the arms are warm and human. What +wonder if the brain forgets when the heart thirsts and pleads? +What wonder if the reason waver and faint when the winged god +nestles close in the breast? What woman if the woman wake and +thrill and "answers to the touch of one musician's hand" as an +instrument that is silent till the master touch sweep the +strings? What wonder if the marble warm and waken and throb to +quick life beneath the passion of Pygmalion's kiss? What wonder +if women love with an answering love if their God have so +created? And what wonder if their prayer to him faint on their +lips beneath the surging diapason of the waking heart beneath? If +he so created, what then? If he "saw them made and said 'twas +good," what then? If he made love chief, to deity and then +destroy, its ecstacy blending with agony "as swells and swoons, +across the wold the tinkling of the camel's bell," what then? If +he made the greatest thing in the world and life speaks to life +as a magnet to the pole, what then? Can you break that strong, +silent current by a breathed invocation? Did not the Man cry from +the cross in his exquisite agony, "Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani!" +And if his divine faith fainted on the threshold of his kingdom, +is it strange if human faith sink beneath life's crucifixion and +the babble of priest grow poor and harsh before the sweetness of +"a little laughter and a little love"--the only hyssop in the +sponge of vinegar? And we wander so far to find so little! + +In Jean Paul's cry "How lonely is everyone in this wide charnal +of the universe!"--is the explanation of--much. + +We are as we are. And Allah is great. + +And because we are as we are, it is fallacy to think that the +good women, in the accepted sense of the term, are the only +virtuous ones. Women of the stage and of the world ponder little +on Moses and the prophets. Their lives are too full of grinding +fact to reck much of unsubstantial fancies. And Prayer and Priest +save women from little if Personality be not there. Teachings of +virtue and morality are lip service and things of air. But when a +woman's self rises to defend her honor--an honor that is a sacred +thing in its own worth, not a question that will but win her +reward in other life, then does true morality speak and then does +woman find her greatest safeguard. A woman is but a weak thing +who must cower behind the skirts of her religion to guard her +purity. And these women of the stage who are its "middle class" +are also its gentlewomen. For unfortunately its "stars" many of +them but rival the other "stratum" in lawless infamy. In that, +did the writer in December make his supreme mistake. + +Temptation in the footlight world is strong, but a woman's pride +is stronger. Under temptation's test, her religion might was dim, +but her refinement would rise as a battlement in defense. Her +church and creed might waver and sink, but that undefinable +innocence which we call womanhood, would lead her, a Dian, +through the fires of hell. In society and the slums a large +percentage of women are courtesans by choice. The one has a +refinement that is but a veneer, and the other has no refinement +at all. And as with the world, so with the stage. In the middle +class are found the truer gentlewomen. Women of the drama must of +necessity be gentlewomen, the refinement must be innate, or they +would fail utterly. An actress who is a gentlewoman can with her +art stoop to portray sin, but an actress who is a common woman +cannot rise to portray a refinement of which her coarse nature +has no conception. Mrs. Kendal a woman who is as the wife of +Caesar, can become a "Second Mrs. Tanguery" before the +footlights. But Lizzie Annadale's chorus girl could never enact +the role of a Mrs. Kendal on or off the stage. The former is a +comparatively light task. The latter is an impossibility. And +because they are refined women, though not necessarily "good" +women, are they as a class virtuous women. Their instinctive +womanhood would shrink from an impure life as quickly as they +would lift their skirts from the mire of the gutter. The deadly +chill of physical repulsion would be as strong in one case as in +the other. In individual cases they have "sinned" as we term it, +but qui voulez vous! The ratio on the stage is little larger than +that of the world's middle class and not at all larger than that +of the world's society women. I also object to those wild +fanatics who would "elevate the stage," not because it would be +Herculean labor, but because the aforesaid fanatics would find +larger and more fruitful fields for their efforts in the shadow +of their own church spire. Let them leave the women of the +footlights alone and turn their attention to the women in the +boxes. It would give a bored public relief and be distinctly and +beautifully amusing--as an experiment. Waco, Texas, December 11, +1897. + + * * * +GINX'S BABY. +BY WILLIAM MARION REEDY. + +In an old book store I found the other day, a little book that +should not have been forgotten. It was written almost +twenty-eight years ago by a man named Jenkins, an Englishman, +born in India, and educated in part, in the United States. The +name of the book is "Ginx's Baby; His Birth and Other +Misfortunes." + +With the remarkable growth of altruism or humanitarianism in the +last thirty years, with the application of sincere sympathy as +one of the possible solvents of the mystery of misery, it is +strange that this book should have passed from the minds of men. +The book is a true satire. That is to say its irony is excited +for the benefit of mankind. The pessimism of the story, its note +of despair, is in reality, a summons to man to do better by his +brother. Underlying its bitterness there is such a gentleness of +heart as must uplift the reader's own. + +The author has the great gift of humor, which all true pessimists +possess, and none more than Schopenhauer. He loves humanity +though he scourges it. He loves, above all, the little children +whom Christ loved, as typifying the heart perfect in innocence. + +Somewhat the quality of Dickens is in his method of thought, and +his turns of expression; but he is not the evident artist that +Dickens is. He does not seek opportunity to revel in mere +rhetoric. He goes for the heart of his subject and his literary +charms are displayed quite incidentally to his progress thereto. +His stylism does not clog his story or cumber his argument. The +result is that he produced a tract of the Church of Man which is +a powerful argument for a realization in Man of the Church of +God. His book is superbly human and "Ginx's Baby" deserves +immortality with other dream- children of good men's hearts and +minds in story and in song. + +Room for Ginx's Baby in the gallery of undying children; with +Marjorie Fleming, Sir Walter's "Bonnie, Wee Coodlin' Doo," with +Pater's "Child in the House," with Ouida's "Bebe," with Mrs. +Burnett's "Fauntleroy," with Barrie's "Sentimental Tommy," with +all the little ones in the books of Dickens and the poems and +stories of Eugene Field. + +The child in literature is something new, comparatively. We need +more of the effort to understand the child mind, the child heart, +the child point of view. It will aid us to develop the child, if +once we can enter his world and come into sympathy with his +impression. It will purify ourselves, this fresh, new, beautiful +world of the child's; its clear, pure air will wash clean our +souls; its innocence of doom will revive our hope. The child is a +soul fresh from God's mint. If only we could study it more we +might re-gain, from the contemplation, some of our own lost +innocence, and, when we come to die, go to our Maker, like +Thackery's immortal Col. Newcombe, with our hearts "as a little +child's." + +But "Ginx's Baby" is not an idyl. It is a tragedy. It breathes +the spirit of Malthus, only the spirit is transformed into one of +pity for the victim of life rather than one of preservation of +the nation. We are not, in this book, the victim of the baby. The +baby is our victim. His story will illustrate the philosophy +better than any attempt at interpretation, and the humor of the +telling only intensifies the tragedy. "The name of the father of +Ginx's Baby was Ginx. By a not unexceptional coincidence, its +mother was Mrs. Ginx. The gender of Ginx's Baby was masculine." +That is the first paragraph of the book, and there you have a +hint of the flippant flavor; also a very strong suggestion of Mr. +Charles Dickens. The hero of the book was a thirteenth child. +Ominously humorous! The mother previously had distinguished +herself. On October 25th, one year after marriage, Mrs. Ginx was +safely delivered of a girl. No announcement of this appeared in +the papers. On April 10th, following, "the whole neighborhood, +including Great Smith Street, Marsham Street, Great and Little +Peter Street, Regent Street, Horseferry Road, and Strutton +Ground, was convulsed by the report a woman named Ginx had given +birth to "a triplet, consisting of two girls and a boy." The +Queen heard of it, as this birth got into the papers, and sent +the mother three pounds. Protecting infant industry! And +protection, it seems, resulted in over-production for, in a +twelvemonth, there were triplets again, two sons and a daughter. +Her Majesty sent four pounds. The neighbors protested and began +to manifest their displeasure uncouthly, so the Ginx family +removed into Rosemary Street, where the tale of Mrs. Ginx's +offspring reached one dozen. Then Ginx mildly entered protest. If +there were any more, singles, twins or triplets, he would drown +him, her or them, in the water-butt. This was immediately after +the arrival of Number 12. + +Here, under the chapter-heading of "Home, Sweet Home," the +author, still reminiscent of Dickens, but delightfully compact +and laconic, describes the miserable dwelling of the Ginx's with +a bitterness of humor that mocks the sentiment of Howard Payne's +song. As a specimen of clean realism, this description is more +effective than anything of Zola's; for Zola's realism is idealism +gone mad. The squalor of the slum is heightened by the +associations that cling to the name Rosemary. A bit of +sermonizing upon the responsibilities of landlords for the souls +in that slum, and the author reverts to Ginx and his family. + +"Ginx had an animal affection for his wife, that preserved her +from unkindness even in his cups." You thank the author for not +succumbing to realism and making Ginx a brute. Ginx worked hard +and gave his wife his earnings, less sixpence, with which sum he +retreated, on Sundays, from his twelve children, to the ale-house +to listen sleepily while ale-house demagogues prescribed remedies +for State abuses. He was ignorant of policies and issues; simply +one of a million victims of the theories upon which statesmen +experiment in legislation and taxation. He was one of the many +dumb and almost unfeeling "chaotic fragments of humanity" to be +hewn into shape in one of two ways; either by "coarse artists +seeking only petty profit, unhandy, immeasurably impudent," or by +instruction to be made "civic corner-stone polished after the +similitude of a palace." He was appalled by the many mouths he +had to feed. He was touched by his wife's continuous heroism of +sacrifice for the children, and he felt, in a dim fashion, +something of an intuition of "her unsatisfied cravings and the +dense motherly horrors that sometimes brooded over her" as she +nursed her infants. She believed that God sends food to fill the +mouths He sends. She had been able to get along. She would be +able to get along. + +Ginx, feeling another infant straw would break his back. +determined to drown the straw. Mrs. Ginx, clinging to No. Twelve, +listened aghast. The stream of her affections, though divided +into twelve rills, would not have been exhausted in twenty-four, +and her soul, forecasting its sorrows, yearned after that +nonentity Number Thirteen. Ginx sought to comfort her by the +suggestion that she could not have any more. But she knew better. + +After eighteen months the baby was born. Ginx thought it all out +before the event. "He wouldn't go on the parish. He couldn't keep +another youngster to save his life. He would not take charity. +There was nothing to do but drown the baby." He must have talked +his intentions at the ale-house, for the people in the +neighborhood watched her "time" with interest. Going home one +afternoon, he saws signs of excitement around his door. He +entered. He took up the little stranger and bore it from the +room. "His wife would have arisen but a strong power called +weakness held her back." Out on the street, with the crowd +following him, Ginx stopped to consider. "It is all very well to +talk about drowning your baby, but to do it you need two +things--water and opportunity. He turned toward Vauxhall Bridge. +The crowd cried "Murder!" + +"Leave me alone nabors," shouted Ginx; "this is my own baby and +I'll do wot I likes with it. I kent keep it an' if I've got +anythin' I can't keep, it's best to get rid of it, ain't it? This +child's goining over Vauxhall Bridge." + +The women clung to his arms and coat-tails. A man happened along. +"A foundling? Confound the place, the very stones produce +babies." + +"It weren't found at all. It's Ginx's baby," cried the crowd. + +"Ginx's baby. Who's Ginx?' + +"I am," said Ginx. + +"Well?" + +"Well!" + +"He's going to drown it!" came the chorus. + +"Going to drown it? Nonsense!" said the officer. + +"I am," said Ginx. + +"But, bless my heart, that's murder!" + +"No, 'tain't," said Ginx. "I've twelve already at home. +Starvashon's shure to kill this 'un. Best save it the trouble." + +The officer declares this is quite contrary to law and he recites +the law, but that doesn't affect Ginx. He fails utterly to see +why, if Parliament will not let him abandon the child, Parliament +does not provide for the child; for all the other twelve. The +officer declares that the parish has enough to do to take care of +foundlings and children of parents who can't or won't work. Says +Ginx: "Jest so. You'll bring up bastards and beggars' pups but +you won't help an honest man keep his head above water. This +child's head is goin' under water anyhow!" and he dashed for the +bridge, with the screaming crowd at his heels. + +A philosopher interposes at this stage with a query as to how +Ginx came to have so many children. Of course Ginx had to laugh. +The philosopher urges that Ginx had no right to bring children +into the world unless he could feed, clothe and educate them, and +Ginx replies that he's like to know how he could help it, as a +married man. The philosopher goes over the old, old tale of +rationalism in life. Ginx should not have married a poor woman, +should not have gone on sub-dividing his resources by the +increase of what must be a degenerate offspring, should not have +married at all. + +"Ginx's face grew dark. He was thinking of 'all those years' and +the poor creature that, from morning to night and Sunday to +Sunday, in calm and storm, had clung to his rough affections; and +the bright eyes and the winding arms so often trellised over his +tremendous form, and the coy tricks and laughter that had cheered +so many tired hours. He may have been much of a brute, but he +felt that, after all, that sort of thing was denied to dogs and +pigs." + +The philosopher could not answer these thoughts nor the rejoinder +question to his own: what is a man or woman to do that doesn't +marry? + +And so the argument proceeds, the philosopher losing ground all +the time because his rationality is based upon changing man's +nature, not on making something out of "what's nateral to human +beings." The act of parliament idea of solving the problem is +riddled effectively by a stonemason, who points out that the +head-citizen is not so worthy as the heart-citizen. In brief, the +philosopher is routed by the doctrine that love is better than +law. + +Ginx proceeds to the river again, but is stopped by a nun who +asks for the child. She uncovers the queer ruby face and kisses +it. After this Ginx could not have touched a hair of the child's +head. His purpose dies but his perplexity is alive. The nun takes +the child, and Ginx, in gratitude for her assurance that the +child shall not be sent back to him, stands treat for the crowd. +The child's life in the convent is material for some good satiric +writing upon the question of his salvation. The picture is +absurdly over-drawn so far as its effectiveness against +conventional charity is concerned, but it touches the question of +religious bigotry surely and strongly. Indeed the method of +treatment here verges closely upon the Rabelaisian, as where the +sisters want to make the sign of the cross upon Mrs. Ginx's +breasts before allowing the baby to suck. Mrs. Ginx refused "the +Papish idolaters" and the Protestant Detectoral Association is +brought to the rescue of the child from superstition. + +A little man with a keen Roman nose--he could scent Jesuits a +mile off--took up the cause of the child and it got into court. +The matter became a cause celebre. London was in a turmoil over +"the Papal abduction." The author sketches it all graphically +with a convincing fidelity of caricature. The "Sisters of Misery" +triumphed. They retained the baby. Then after attempting to +sanctify the baby--a ceremony wholly imaginary and described with +a smutch of revolting coarseness--the sisters send the baby +packing back to the Protestant Detectoral Association. + +The Protestants had him, but the Dissenters protested against his +being given to an Anglican refuge. The scene at the mass-meeting +to celebrate young Ginx's rescue from the incubus of a delusive +superstition is described with rare appreciation of the foibles +of character. The bombast, the cant, the flapdoodle and flubdub, +the silly unction of different kinds of preachers are "done to a +hair." Five hours the meeting raged, and at last a resolution +that the Metropolitan pulpit should take up the subject, and the +churches take up a collection for the Baby on the next Sunday +having been passed, the meeting adjourned--forgetting all about +the Baby. A strange woman took the Baby "for the sake of the +cause." He had been provided with a splendid layette by an +enthusiastic Protestant Duchess. + +"Some hours later Ginx's Baby, stripped of the Duchess' beautiful +robes was found by a policeman, lying on a door step in one of +the narrow streets not a hundred yards" from the meeting place. +"By an ironical chance he was wrapped in a copy of the largest +daily paper in the world." + +"The Baby was recovered, the preachers "praught." The collections +and the donations and subscriptions amounted to thirteen hundred +and sixty pounds, ten shillings, and three and one-half pence. +How the money was spent is shown in a deliciously absurd +balance-sheet. Not quite 100 pounds were spent upon the Baby. The +other money was wasted in various forms and styles of "guff." "In +an age of luxury," says the Baby's biographer, "we are grown so +luxurious as to be content to pay agents to do our good deeds, +but they charge us three hundred per cent. for the privilege." + +How the police found and treated the Baby is a chapter full of +subtle sarcasm, leading up to the still more sarcastic portrayal +of the way the Baby fared in the hands of the Committee appointed +to take care of him. He was likely to be torn to pieces between +contending divines. The debates in Committee are illuminating +expositions of different varieties of bigotry. His body was +almost forgotten, while the philanthropists were trying to decide +what to do with his soul. Few of the reverend gentlemen "would be +content unless they could seize him when his young nature was +plastic and try to imprint on immortal clay the trade-mark of +some human invention." + +Twenty-three meetings of the Committee were held and unity was as +far of at the last as at the first. The Secretary asked the +Committee to provide money to meet the Baby's liabilities, but +the Committee instantly adjourned and no effort afterwards could +get a quorum together. The persons who had charge of the +foundling began to dun the Secretary and to neglect the child, +now thirteen months old. They sold his clothes and absconded from +the place where they had been "framing him for Protestantism." As +a Protestant question Ginx's Baby vanished from the world. + +Wrapped in a potato sack, the baby was found one night, on the +pavement exactly over a line dividing two parishes. The finder +was a business man. He noted the exact spot where the child lay +and took it to--the other parish. He would not be taxed for its +support. The parish guardians would not accept the child. As the +man who found the child was a guardian of the other parish, he +was trying to foist a bastard,--perhaps his own--upon their +parish. A motion was made to "get rid of the brat." "A church +warden, who happened to be a gentleman," suggested the services +of a lawyer. The brutality of the guardians as they examined and +discussed the child is depicted with terrible power. The lawyer +says the Board will have to take the Baby, pro tem, or "create an +unhappy impression on the minds of the public." + +"Damn the public!" said Mr. Stink, a dog-breeder member of the +Board, thus antecedently plagiarizing an American millionaire. +The parish accepts the Baby under protest, and a formal written +protest addressed to the Baby, name unknown, is pinned on the +potato sack. The two parishes go to law about the child. Neither +wishes to take care of it. At Saint Bartemeus's workhouse, a +notice was posted forbidding the officials, assistants and +servants to enter the Baby's room, pendente lite, or to render it +any service or assistance on pain of dismissal. The Baby was nigh +starvation. The master of the work-house stealthily fed him on +pap, saying in a loud voice as he did so, "Now youngster, this is +without prejudice, remember! I give you due notice--without +prejudice." + +The Baby became ill. A nobleman discovered him and laid his case +before a magistrate. The papers made a sensation on the Baby's +case. There was a terrific hullabaloo. An inquiry was held. The +guardians became furious. "The reports of their proceedings read +like the vagaries of a lunatic asylum or the deliberations of the +American Senate." They discharged the kindly master. The Baby was +locked in a room. Food was passed to him on a stick. The inquiry +was denounced and the bewildered public gnashed its teeth at +everybody who had anything to do with, or say of, Ginx's Baby. +"At last St. Bartemeus' parish had to keep him and the guardians, +keeping carefully within the law, neglected nothing that could +sap little Ginx's vitality, deaden his instincts, derange moral +action, cause hope to die within his infant breast almost as soon +as it was born." Every pauper was to them an obnoxious charge to +be reduced to a MINIMUM or NIL. The Baby's constitution alone +prevented his reduction to NIL. + +The bill of costs against St. Bartemeus was 1,600 pounds. Just as +it was taxed, one of the persons who had deserted Ginx's Baby was +arrested for theft. The Baby's clothes, given by the Duchess, +were found in this person's possession. She confessed all about +the Baby, and so the guardians traced the Baby's father and +delivered to Ginx, through an agent, the famous child, with the +benediction--"There he is; damn him!" + +Mrs. Ginx couldn't recognize the Baby. His brothers and sisters +would have nothing to do with him. Ginx took the Baby out one +night, left it on the steps of a large building in Pall Mall, and +slunk away out of the pages of "this strange, eventful history." +The Baby piped. The door of the house, a club, opened and the +baby was taken in. It was the Radical Club, but it was as +conservative as it could be in its reception of the waif, and it +was only in perfunctory kindness that the Club gave him shelter. +The Fogey Club heard of the Baby and bethought itself of making +campaign material of him. The Fogies instructed their "organs" to +dilate upon the disgraceful apathy of the Radicals toward the +foundling. The Fogies kidnapped the Baby; the Radicals stole him +back. The Baby was again a great "question." However, other +questions supervened, although it was understood that Sir Charles +Sterling was "to get a night" to bring up the case of Ginx's Baby +in Parliament. Associations were formed in the metropolis for +disposing of Ginx's Baby by expatriation or otherwise. A peer +suddenly sprung the matter by proposing to send the Baby to the +Antipodes at the expense of the nation. The question was debated +with elaborate stilted stultitude and the noble lord withdrew his +motion. + +The Baby tired of life at the clubs. He borrowed some clothes, +some forks, some spoons, without leave, and then took his leave. +No attempt was made to recover him. He was fifteen. "He pitted +his wits against starvation." He found the world terribly full +everywhere he went. He went through a career of penury, of honest +and dishonest callings, of 'scapes and captures, imprisonments +and other punishments. + +Midnight on Vauxhall Bridge! The form of a man emerged from the +dark and outlined itself against the haze of sky. There was a +dull flash of a face in the gloom. The shadow leaped far out into +the night. Splash! "Society, which, in the sacred names of Law +and Charity, forbade the father to throw his child over Vauxhall +Bridge, at a time when he was alike unconscious of life and +death, has at last driven him over the parapet into the greedy +waters." + +The questions of the book I have condensed here are as alive +to-day as are thousands of other Ginx's Babies in all our big +cities. While philanthropists and politicians, priests and +preachers, men and women theorize about the questions, the +questions grow "more insoluble." What is to be done? is the first +question. How is it to be done is a question which is secondary +and its discussion is useless until the first is settled. Too +much State drove Ginx's Baby into the Thames. What's everybody's +business is nobody's business. If the uncountable babies of +innumerable Ginx's are to be aided, some one must aid them for +the mere pleasure there is in loving-kindness. + +A baby is a human being, not a problem. A baby can't be explained +away by pure reason, because he didn't come by that route. Love +brought him here and only Love can nourish him to the fullness of +growth in soul and mind. True many come who, seemingly, were +better drowned like surplus puppies or kittens. But who shall +select those to survive? Grecian wisdom once attempted to improve +on "natural selection" and Greece is the ghost of a vanished +glory. Why shouldn't Ginx have drowned his Baby--or himself +before the multiplication in the result of which the Baby was a +unit? + +I don't know why, unless because there is, in every life, even +the most successful, apparently, enough of unhappiness and +failure and emptiness to justify, at a given moment, a "leap in +the dark." This logic of suicide would annihilate the race. The +unwelcome Baby may be the best. Life must try us all. Those who +do not stand the test disappear. Their own weakness eliminate +them. Myriads must fail that a few may succeed a very little. + +Ginx at least owed his Baby reparation for bringing about the +first misfortune, his birth. Ginx was a sophist. His mercy of +murder for the child was regard for himself. His reasoning was +right. His heart was full of self and, ergo, wrong. Ginx +surrendered before the fight was fought. So did the Baby. There +is nothing for it, my good masters, but a fight to a finish. Yes, +even though Birnam Wood come to Dunsinane, still must we fight, +like Macbeth, and all the more valiantly for that we know our +sins are heavy upon our heads and hearts. "Courage, my comrades, +the devil is dead," said Denys of Burgundy. But there is a +greater courage, my comrades: it is fighting the devil who never +dies until the devil in us all shall die. This is not the courage +of despair, but of hope and faith that by conquest of ourselves +shall Evil be slain, though only in a fair, far time, and by +scores of deaths of us and of our kind. That is why the book +"Ginx's Baby" is false in its demonstration that it had been +better if the "hero" had been thrown off the bridge at first. Its +philosophy is the philosophy of the "quitter." The only courage +is to endure. + +And what shall we do for the Ginx's Babies so multitudinous in +their misery? These, too, we must endure. It were well to love +them a little, as babies, and not to discuss them so much as +"questions." It were well if there were a little more individual +charity; a good deal less of the kind described by Boyle O'Reilly +as conducted "in the name of a cautious statistical Christ." If +every one would do a little good for the poor, the unfortunate, +the afflicted, the sum of all our doing would be a great deal of +good. Take a penny from every person in the United States and +give it to one man and he has seven hundred thousand dollars. +Every Ginx's Baby in any land can be helped somewhat, and Ginx +himself must do his share, to the full limit of his capacity for +doing. We cannot save them all; cannot make their lives +successes. Success is the sum of many failures. A million seeds +must die that one rose may bloom. You or I may be the means, in +part, of saving one child from the plunge of Vauxhall Bridge or +through the gallows-trap. And one is worth while. That is the way +to "look out for number one." Individual effort for individuals +is the true humanitarianism. Lift up the person nearest you, who +needs assistance. Bend to him and feel your own statue increase +by so much as you uplift him. Et voila tout. St. Louis, December +16th, 1897. + + * * * +WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH MISSOURI? +BY WILLIAM MARION REEDY. + +The art of politics in Missouri is not more depraved than in most +other states, I imagine; but it seems that in Missouri the +practitioners of that art are somewhat coarser-grained and +smaller-minded than men in the like charlatanry elsewhere. I +think I may write of them and their methods in the capacity of +critic, without obtruding my prejudices as a gold-bug. + +Missouri, like every other Western State, took kindly to the +silver theory; indeed, possessing, as one of its chief citizens, +Mr. Bland, a champion of silver for thirty years, Missouri was as +ready for 16 to 1 as any silver producing State. "Coin's" book +found welcome wide and warm when it appeared among a people who +admired Mr. Bland, and who had equally admired "Farmer" Hatch. + +But while the people of Missouri were for silver it was only +partly in deference to popular opinion that the Democratic party +declared for that doctrine. + +When Col. Chas. H. Jones became editor of the Republic, coming +from Jacksonville, Florida, he was taken up by the then Governor +David R. Francis, a grain merchant, or speculator, a very rich +man and an aristocrat. The two were fast friends until, Col. +Jones having married, the wife of the governor, for reasons +sufficient to herself, refused to receive Mrs. Jones. Out of this +social episode grew a feud. As the first result of that feud Col. +Jones was forced out of the Republic. He went to the New York +World. Ad interim, however, he managed to defeat the plan of +President Cleveland to name Mr. Francis as a member of his +cabinet in 1893. When Col. Jones fell out with Mr. Francis, the +editor made an alliance with Mr. Joel Stone, who succeeded Mr. +Francis as governor of Missouri. + +In course of time Col. Jones was sent West to take charge of the +Post-Dispatch. When he arrived in St. Louis he conferred with +Governor Stone. Col. Jones wanted to destroy Francis, who had +control of the Democratic party machinery. Francis had been +"mentioned" for president. He was the brilliant, if chilly, +leader of the party. He had wealth and he and his friends could +"take care of" the visiting rural committeeman. Col. Jones +scented the silver sentiment in the State. That sentiment +suggested, naturally, antipathy to wealthy bosses and "grain +gamblers." Col. Jones declared that the way to destroy Francis +was by "taking up silver." And Col. Jones "took it up" with a +vengeance. The sentiment had been lurking among the people all +the time. For years the party committees warned the speakers to +"steer clear of the money question." Col. Jones in print and +Governor Stone on the stump, appealed to the people on the very +thing the old rulers of the party had hedged on, and the battle +was on. + +Mr. Francis evaded the fight. He wanted harmony. He was suave and +clammy but non-committal. He did not wish to come out for silver. +He did not wish to oppose the silver people. Once or twice he +threatened to fight and then he threw up his hands. Missouri +declared for silver at 16 to 1, without a dissenting voice in the +convention. The State committee was enlarged to render Mr. +Francis' friends innocuous. Col. Jones and Governor Stone voted +to support Bland for President at the Chicago convention and the +National battle was precipitated. When Missouri declared for +silver, with a candidate who represented the silver issue wholly +and whose character endeared him especially to the bucolics +everywhere, the silver sentiment became a political force to +reckon with the stampede that ended with the nomination of Mr. +Bryan was started. + +So it seems to me that if Mrs. Francis had swallowed her +prejudices and received Mrs. Jones there might have been a great +deal of different history. Mrs. Jones was the Helen of the Siege +of Wall Street. This incident is important only as showing, once +again, how trifling things affect the destinies of Nations. + +Had Mr. Francis and Col. Jones never disagreed, Col. Jones never +would have left the "Republic." Col. Jones would have stood by +Francis' interests as a banker and monied man. Col. Jones never +would have obtained control of the "Post-Dispatch." Silver +sentiment would have been smothered by the politicians of +Missouri and Bland never would have been a candidate. There would +have been no Missouri alliance with Mr. Altgeld and the +combination of peculiar political ability that was attracted to +Stone. Jones and Altgeld never would have dominated the Chicago +convention as wholly as they did. To resent an affront to Mrs. +Jones the Democratic party was rent asunder. Mr. Bland was taken +up to destroy Mr. Francis and was himself destroyed in due time. +The senators from Missouri, Messrs. Vest and Cockrell, were +forced into the anti-Francis movement under threat of defeat by +the men who had identified themselves with the popular feeling +for their own purposes. + +The late Mr. McCullagh of the Globe-Democrat, told me, when Vest +became a silver champion that it was because he had to do so to +retain his seat, and that Mr. McCullagh was a friend and +extravagant admirer of Mr. Vest and his abilities. + +Whatever one may think of silver he must admit that the turning +down of Mr. Francis was a good thing. Mr. Francis represented the +dodging Democracy. He stood for the evasion of a great issue; for +intellectual and moral cowardice, for nauseous neutralism. Mr. +Francis was the impersonation of political insincerity. He +thought of the party--of keeping the party together, with himself +on top--and his stand for what the opponents of silver call +"sound money" was a very perfunctory performance. He never +declared himself against the Chicago platform until he was +offered the Secretaryship of the Interior, vice Hoke Smith, +resigned. + +In this we have a picture of the man whom I saw alluded to the +other day as "the leader of the sound money forces in Missouri." +A leader! Why, he couldn't be induced to come within the borders +of the State, during the fight, nor did he come until he came +home to vote, when, under the inspiration of a stupendous sound +money parade, he declared himself. + +When silver was the cry every spoilsman took it up, and the fact +is that some of the loudest shouting was done by men who cared +not at all for the doctrine. All the politicians got on the +popular side. Every fellow that wanted an office became a +shrieker for silver. All the men who had truckled to Francis +while he was in power left him and went with the crowd. The party +in Missouri had been in power for years and the same old gang had +controlled the offices. They stayed together and they still +retained their grip upon the offices. The gang got together on +silver as upon everything else. The elimination of Francis +carried out of the party no politicians of note. They remained. +The corporation "attorneys" or lobbyists stood by the regulars. +The fine workers of the Missouri Pacific, the 'Frisco, the +Burlington roads were hand in glove with the party which was +making war on corporations, with its mouth. Some of the railroads +contributed to the support of the men who were "denouncing them +in unmeasured terms." No one was more regular than "Bill" Phelps, +the Missouri Pacific lobbyist, against whom Governor Stone and +Col. Jones made war in connection with the enactment of a +fellow-servant law. Col. Spencer of the Burlington was with the +regulars too. All the party hacks, the caucus bosses, the +township and country and congressional district leaders who had +made the ticket for years fell in line. There was made no real +change in party management. Mr. Francis and his lieutenant, Mr. +Maffitt, were turned down, but the crowd that had trained with +them went over to the opposition. I am not aspersing the silver +cause. I mean to say only that the gang that ran things joined +the silver cause in order to stay in power. There were no +politicians at all in the ranks of the Missouri Gold Democrats. +The politicians seized upon silver, which represented a general +desire for change, in order to fasten themselves more thoroughly +upon the party. + +The result was that the nominations for State offices went to the +same old crowd. Mr. Sesueur was nominated for Secretary of State. +Mr. Siebert, who had been auditor, was nominated again. Frank +Pitts, an ex-Confederate, who had been a candidate for a dozen +things, but who, when defeated, never had done aught but "take +his medicine," was nominated for Treasurer. Mr. Lon V. Stephens, +who had been Treasurer was nominated for Governor and elected. He +had been appointed Treasurer by Francis after the Noland +defalcation, had been elected and had changed his allegiance from +Francis to Stone. Mr. Stone, a man with somewhat of the scholarly +taint to him, inclined to think, but prone to machination, +ambitious, vindictive, able, elusive, made Stephens the nominee, +and has been "sore at himself" ever since. + +Stephens is a National banker. His family is wealthy and his +wife's family is said to be the wealthiest in the State. It was +the belief that when he was nominated he would "cough up" large +"chunks of dough." But he didn't. The necessity for "dough" was +evident to the managers of the party. There was no hope for funds +from the interests that feared free silver. They wanted an +"angel" candidate. Stephens failed to contribute. As an "angel" +he was a "frost." + +This National banker made a campaign of extreme rabidity. When +Debs was managing the big Chicago strike this man wrote a letter +to the Mirror in which he advocated Gatling guns for the +suppression of Debs and his like. When he wanted to be +Comptroller of the Currency under Cleveland he declared in an +interview that Cleveland was "the greatest man since Jesus +Christ." He denied that he was a National banker with his name on +the bank's stationery. He denounced Cleveland for calling out the +troops to suppress Debs. And while in the country he was posing +as the enemy of the plutocrats, he was "tipping" them the wink in +the cities, that they needn't be afraid he would hurt their +interests. This candidate, who was proclaiming honesty had to +suppress in Col. Jones' paper, a sensation dealing with his own +alleged irregularities in the settlement of his father's estate. +This personal-liberty Democrat had written a letter in favor of +Prohibition. Mr. Stephens proclaimed that he was going to purify +politics. When elected he appointed as Election Commissioner a +man against whom there was a tremendous protest upon the part of +the best element of the party. This man was accused of taking +$1,200 from Ed Butler, the St. Louis "boss," to give to the +members of the St. Louis city committee to boom the charter +amendment providing for capital removal, and of putting the money +in his own pocket. Ed. Butler entered suit for the money against +this man Brady and his friend Higgins, appointed Excise +Commissioner by Stephens. The suit was dismissed at Brady's +expense. Then the capital movers at Sedalia sued for the money on +the ground that the contract was against public polity. In other +words he took the money to do something illegal, and, therefore, +was entitled to keep it after failing to do the wrong. As a +result of my comment upon this, Mr. Brady and I had a passage at +fisticuffs on the street the other day, and the day following the +Circuit Court here decided that the contract was valid and the +suit for $1,200 would have to be tried on the issue of fact. + +Mr. Brady was appointed Election Commissioner at the instigation +of Mr. Louis C. Nelson, a St. Louis banker, brother-in-law of +Governor Stephens. Mr. Brady is interested in a wholesale liquor +store. His company rents a building from Mr. Nelson. Mr. Nelson +is said to be interested in the company. + +Mr. Higgins, the Excise Commissioner, was appointed at Mr. +Nelson's instigation. The Excise Commissioner has charge of the +issuance of all saloon licenses in St. Louis, Mr. Higgins is a +good friend of Brady's and a protege of Nelson. A whisky drummer +told me, and it is a common report around St. Louis, that the +relationship of the man controlling the saloon licenses to Brady +and Nelson is taken advantage of by the saloon men to ingratiate +themselves by buying supplies at Brady's liquor store. I am not +adding a word of color to the aspect of the case. The saloons are +under tribute to Stephens' brother-in-law and his appointees. +These people may not hold up the saloons, but the saloonists know +that it is good policy to stand in with "the powers that be." A +daily paper, the "Star," asserts that one of the Police +Commissioners, a brewer, uses his position as controller of +the police to protect dive-keepers who sell his beer. The paper +has not been sued for libel. All this has been done in the name +of silver and friendship for the people. + +A brother of "Silver Dick" Bland was nominated for Judge of the +Court of Appeals. The Populists had nominated a candidate named +North for the same place. It is in evidence in Mr. Bland's own +letters that he gave $1,000 to the Chairman of the Democratic +State Central Committee to get North of the track. North +withdrew. Afterwards he was reported reporter of the Court of +Judge Bland. He denied that he had received $1,000. The Chairman +of the State Democratic Committee then said he gave the money to +the chairman of the Populist committee. The chairman of the +populist committee denies that he got the $1,000. And so the +matter stands. The Judge bought off the Populist candidate. The +$1,000 is unaccounted for. The $1,000 does not appear in the +Judge's statement of expenses as required by law. This "boodle" +deal evokes the query whether if a candidate for Judge will buy +his election he will not sell his justice. This deal, too, was +consummated in the name of the masses. + +I am told that the Governor has given the best places within his +gift to his relatives, or the men selected by his relatives. I +know that he appointed a man manager of the Nevada asylum on +condition that he would vote out the Superintendent. The +Superintendent showed the manager a letter from the Governor in +which he declared that the Superintendent's retention was his +dearest wish. The manager voted for the retention of the +Superintendent and the Governor promptly removed the manager. +This illustrates the gubernatorial character beautifully. The +Governor of Missouri was receiver of the Fifth National Bank of +St. Louis. He gave out that the bank would not pay more than 50 +cents on the dollar in all. Therefore, his brother-in-law and +other relatives bought up outstanding claims at that figure and +below it. They bought up at least $30,000 worth. The bank paid 50 +per cent. in sixty days. It has paid ninety-six per cent. in ten +years. The question is, how could a receiver say a bank, that was +in position to pay 50 per cent. in sixty days, would only pay +that much in all? The receiver's relatives made 46 per cent. on +their speculation. This is one of the performances characteristic +of this kind of "friends of the people." The popular cause of +silver, with all its generous enthusiasm for the rights of the +poor, all its just resentment against oligarchies, political +bosses, gangs of "grafters," combinations of the few for the +plucking of the many, was taken charge of, in Missouri, by +politicians of the type which can be imagined from what I have +stated here of simple fact and conservative deduction. The cause +of silver may be my "pet aversion" as a political theory, but I +have all respect for the honest multitude who espoused it. I am +convinced that what there is of good in that theory of reform of +our evils is not advanced toward embodiment in our law by the +character of the men who make the Chicago platform an excuse to +get the public confidence and carry out schemes of public +plunder, political corruption and miscellaneous incivism. + +A few days ago Judge Klein in our Circuit Court uncovered what we +call "a graft" in the matter of building association +receiverships. It was discovered that politics stepped into these +affairs to get for certain political lawyers, good fees. There +was a ring in the receiverships of these concerns. The +commissioner in one case would be attorney in another. The +attorney in one case would be receiver in another with the +commissioner as attorney and receiver as Commissioner. There were +fees for all. No duty in connection with winding up the +associations, to which there attached any compensation, was ever +given outside the "charmed circle." Political attorneys got large +fees for only going into court and asking that building +associations be wound up. All these fees came out of the money of +the poor people, which happened to be left after the looting or +failure of the concerns. Those whose savings were invested in the +concerns had little coming to them after the failures. The fees +of the ring left little of that. All this "grinding of the faces +of the poor" is being accomplished by those politicians who were +most vocal in proclaiming their allegiance to the Chicago +platform as a new "Magna Charta of Mankind." + +These facts have nothing to do with the righteousness or +wrongfulness of the Chicago platform. The suggestion that a good +cause may be advanced by bad men and mean methods, it may be +retorted that such men are calculated rather to injure the cause +by their prominence than to help it by their unique idea of +practical politics. People are apt to believe that the New +Democracy is the outgrowth of such men, or that such men are the +outgrowth of New Democracy, when, in fact, the men have attached +themselves to the movement only for their own selfishness. When +we think that the men who are doing the things I have pictured +are engaged in an effort to make Stephens the next Senator from +Missouri, it is plain that the character of the organization and +its purpose will react dangerously against whatever there may be +of genuine merit in the propositions of the Chicago +platform. + +And all this is being done in Missouri and the rural press +connives at it. To criticize the administration is sacrilege. The +papers are slavering over the Governor. They declare that he is +"the champion of the people" next to Bryan. They identify him +with the ideal that Mr. Bryan gave voice for in his Chicago +speech. Nothing is to be said of any administration peccadilloes +or crookedness, for fear of hurting the party and delaying the +triumph of the great cause. All the political corruption of the +party when it was dominated by plutocrats is condoned because its +perpetrators shout "sixteen to one!" The administration, at a +breath of criticism, has its subsidized organs--subsidized by +anything from two to ten dollars--declare that the critic is a +traitor to the cause, that he is a gold-bug or a republican in +disguise. The people seem to respond to all this and the honest +country editor dares not express himself for fear of losing +subscribers or advertisers. The party cry drowns the criticism of +acts that impeach the party. Submission to the party fetich makes +every and any deed acceptable because it is done by the party's +men. Nepotism, falsity to pledges, the plundering of the poor, +the squeezing of the saloon interests, the "skinning" of +depositors in banks, the records of violation of trust,--all +these things are jammed down the throats of the Democracy of +Missouri, and if the faithful dare to gag at the dose they are +told "You traitor, you don't believe in Bryan, or 16 to 1!" And +they swallow it all. The papers are slaves of the administration. +They vie with each other in printing stomach-turning gush about +these leaders. The country editors are forced into a conspiracy +of silence and of support of a "machine" as vile as ever was +worked under plutocratic auspices. The gang cries "silver, +silver, silver," and so their jobs and schemes of personal profit +are allowed to go on uncriticized. They have the faith. Damn the +good works! The "push" in control of things in Missouri are +Silver men, with about the same exalted purpose as Chilo, the +Greek charlatan in "Quo Vadis" had in aligning himself with the +Christians. It is a combination that is ready at any time to +desert the cause of silver. It has been stated in Missouri time +and again that the administration wants to "heal the breach" with +the gold Democrats, that Governor Stephens has made overtures to +ex-Governor Francis who, fortunately, is not much more of a gold +bug than Stephens is a silver Democrat. The new party faith means +nothing to the men in power and warfare upon them is not, in any +sense, a warfare upon the principles they profess to represent, +unless it may happen that the character of the men shall become +confused with the principles. But these men were "in the push" +before the Chicago platform was an issue. They are what they were +before. The new principles have made them no better. They are +worse because they plot their infamy in the name of a political +purification and a humanizing of economy. + +In view of the almost unparalleled lack of independence in the +Missouri rural press there does not seem much hope of reaching +the people with a statement of the truth about conditions. The +country editor in Missouri insults his subscribers by taking for +granted that they are so prejudiced they will not take a paper +that criticizes the man who sneaked into power as a bogus silver +man. By keeping their readers in ignorance of the deeds of their +officers and servants, by suppressing all unfavorable comment, +the newspapers block the way to reform. There is no way to reach +the people. They are kept in ignorance. They are fed upon "plate" +fake puffs of the administration prepared by the Governor's +"literary bureau." Whatever he prepares is printed, and nothing +else. The people are stuffed upon "taffy" and the men in power +are thus enabled to deceive the people and strengthen themselves +for the tightening of their grip upon the offices. The +subserviency of the rural press in Missouri is something slavish +beyond imagination heretofore. The papers, in the main, are +edited by the political machine. The press, that engine of +enlightenment, is industriously engaged in clouding the +intelligence of the people and identifying a cause which in its +abstract intention is good, with the selfishness of bad men. +Reform cannot come from the politicians. It cannot come from the +people kept in ignorance of the need of it by prostitutes of the +press. + +The matter with Missouri is that there is too much idolization of +the party. There is no partisan independence. There is no courage +in the Democratic press. The truth is suppressed rather than the +evil about which a truth is told. The worship of party goes to +the extreme of worship of all the moral ugliness of partisanism. +The men who know what is wrong, who know that the leaders of the +New Democracy are in harmony with it only for their own ends, who +know that in the name of political purity and economic honesty a +lot of political jobbers and crooks are continuing the evils of +the old political regime, remain silent. The St. Louis Republic +shifts and shuffles and maintains a neutral attitude. It is +suspected of gold bugism and it dares not criticize the Governor +that it scourged in cartoon and comment. The Post-Dispatch, that +was the greatest silver daily and is owned by the millionaire +Pulitzer, is now suspected of gold bugism. It makes war upon the +Governor, but its position robs its criticism of effectiveness. +The Kansas City Times scores the Governor but its opposition is +believed to be based upon the refusal of the Governor to appoint +its owners' candidate to a position of importance. My criticism +is denounced as the criticism of a gold-bug. But I am not +criticizing the party policy s I am writing here about the men. +They would disgrace any principles they might profess. I am not +opposing anyone because he was for Bryan. I am pointing out +conditions and circumstances that are matters of public record, +of common talk among silver men, of wide-open notoriety, that are +flourishing in Missouri, under the cloak of a bogus devotion to +Mr. Bryan and the Chicago platform. These things are true. If the +people knew them, if the fact of the existence of these things +were not suppressed, the fact that the men who are working the +evil are silver shouters would not save them from the popular +wrath. + +"O Liberty," said Madam Roland on the steps of the +guillotine,"what crimes are committed in thy name!" In the name +of Silver, too, crimes are committed and the criminals flourish +as prophets of a new and better time. Silver will have a better +chance when the crooks who have identified themselves with it, in +Missouri and other States, are repudiated. If free coinage be a +good thing, it will never be believed while bad men conspicuously +stand for it. If education will develop the mind to the +destruction of our political and economic miseries, a gagged +press is not the means to such education. How can a press be +trusted in its assaults on the old order when it suppresses the +truth that the men and methods of the old regime are flourishing +to the profit of the former under the new? What use is any +platform, however noble in its aspirations or purposes, if the +men who attain to power upon it continue all the meanness and +nefariousness of the men who flourished under the old domination +of the bosses, the corporations and the trusts? + +The altruism of the Chicago platform--which I think mistaken--is +admirable in so far as so many millions of people honestly +believe its principles are for the benefit of the oppressed and +unfortunate of the earth. This altruism is knocked and blasphemed +by being made the means to the entrenchment in power in Missouri, +of self- and-pelf seekers. The people are deceived. The press +keeps them deceived. The Chicago principles are betrayed into the +hands of men who have no principle but profit. A reform movement +is turned over to the men against whom the movement is directed. +The cause of free coinage is committed to a national banker. The +cause of honest elections is committed to the care of a +professional ballot- eater. The cause of the people is made the +means to build up a machine. The liberty of the press is +advocated by paper subsidized by political pap. The "friends of +the people" in Missouri, are "grafters." The "foes of the +corporations" are the tools of these institutions. The "enemies +of corruption" are themselves corruptionists. The people are kept +ignorant of all this under a false impression that the +eradication of evil will injure the cause of Silver, under cover +of which these men grasped power. + +And that's what's the matter with Missouri. St. Louis, December +16, 1897. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Etext of Volume 10 of Brann The Iconoclast* + Binary files differdiff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. 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