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diff --git a/56453-8.txt b/56453-0.txt index 4ac3aa8..ea9e96b 100644 --- a/56453-8.txt +++ b/56453-0.txt @@ -1,37 +1,4 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Egregious English, by T. W. H. (Thomas -William Hodgson) Crosland - - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - - - - -Title: The Egregious English - - -Author: T. W. H. (Thomas William Hodgson) Crosland - - - -Release Date: January 28, 2018 [eBook #56453] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - - -***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE EGREGIOUS ENGLISH*** - - -E-text prepared by Graeme Mackreth and the Online Distributed Proofreading -Team (http://www.pgdp.net) from page images generously made available by -Internet Archive (https://archive.org) +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 56453 *** @@ -269,7 +236,7 @@ reproduce writing of which everybody is heartily tired. The battling newspapers have said their say, and we are just beginning to feel the comfort of a more or less reasonable settlement. All that need be said here is that the Englishman has not come out of this war with -anything like the honour and the glory and the _éclat_ that he has +anything like the honour and the glory and the _éclat_ that he has been accustomed to expect of himself in similar undertakings. His bodily prowess, his hardihood, his Spartan capacity for withstanding the rigours of campaigning, his military abilities, and his very @@ -326,7 +293,7 @@ _Truth_. Mrs. Ormiston Chant is a cricket enthusiast; so are the Archbishop of Canterbury, Mr. Joseph Chamberlain, and Mr. Tommy Bowles. Lord Roberts can take a hand at croquet with the best young woman out of Girton, and Mr. John Morley understands a race-horse almost as well -as he understands the Encyclopædists. In fact, the English eminent are +as he understands the Encyclopædists. In fact, the English eminent are either sportsmen or nothing, and all the other English follow suit. Now and again somebody gets up and points out that betting is a great @@ -729,9 +696,9 @@ piano in it, a wife with blouses and four new hats a year, and a little family who can go to church on Sunday mornings dressed as well as any of them, you must keep Messrs. Reachemdown's books, and pass through your hands many thousands of Messrs. Reachemdown's moneys, for a salary -of £150 a year. When you get old and half blind through years of poring +of £150 a year. When you get old and half blind through years of poring over Reachemdown's figures, they will pension you off at a pound a -week, and get a younger man to do the work for the other £2. You, good, +week, and get a younger man to do the work for the other £2. You, good, easy Englishman, will, in your heart of hearts, be exceedingly grateful to Reachemdown & Reachemdown, and count it not the least of your many blessings that you have never wanted good work and kind employers. @@ -758,7 +725,7 @@ Crosland and other masters of elegant English that the Scot goes to London and the smaller industrial markets and there enters into successful competition with the English employed, and it appears to annoy Mr. Crosland that the Scot should not be content with good work, -say book-keeping from nine to six, good wages, say £150 per annum, and +say book-keeping from nine to six, good wages, say £150 per annum, and kind employers, say Messrs. Reachemdown & Reachemdown, all his life. It seems to annoy him, too, that the Scot never acquires that pathetic satisfaction in being employed which permeates the beautiful spirit of @@ -869,7 +836,7 @@ be worried about money matters. "Poor little Chiffon!" says the good, kind Englishman; "she shall be happy, even though we drift sweetly toward Carey Street. We must keep it up, though the heavens fall; and when I come to think of it, I have read somewhere of a man who had only -£500 year, and is now in receipt of £16,000 simply through marrying +£500 year, and is now in receipt of £16,000 simply through marrying an expensive wife." Lower down the scale it is just the same: Chiffon will have this, Chiffon will have that, and so will the Englishman. It is only four-three a yard, and it will make up lovely! The Englishman @@ -884,7 +851,7 @@ of Chiffon next door any day in the week--they, too, shall take music lessons. The Englishman concurs. This, of course, is all when you are married to her. When you are -Chiffon's _fiancé_ (she would not have you say sweetheart or lover +Chiffon's _fiancé_ (she would not have you say sweetheart or lover for worlds), you enjoy what is commonly called in England a high old time. First of all, she will flirt with you till your reason rocks upon its throne. Then, when you are about as confused as a little boy @@ -895,7 +862,7 @@ more manly on your part to have spoken first with her papa. Being an Englishman, and having nothing better to do, you put up with it and go guiltily off to Chiffon's delectable male parent. He inquires into your income in pretty much the manner of a person who is going to -lend you £20 on note of hand only, grunts a bit, asks to be excused +lend you £20 on note of hand only, grunts a bit, asks to be excused while he has a word with the missis; comes back, says, "Yes, you can have her," and next morning you find yourself on the same old stool, in front of the same old shiny desk, wondering what in the name of @@ -1440,7 +1407,7 @@ may be called, they speak humorously at tea-parties, they enter into hat-trimming competitions at bazaars, and they play principal guest at the tables of over-fed tradesmen. There is not a man amongst them who can say boo to a goose. There is not a man amongst them who as a -social unit is worth the £150 a year and a manse, with £10 per annum +social unit is worth the £150 a year and a manse, with £10 per annum for each child, that a glozing, unintellectual English congregation hands over to him. Out of the ease and security and respectability and _dolce far niente_ which the Church of England provides for a @@ -1864,7 +1831,7 @@ of a New Year's pantomime. Possibly, again, the real, true English poet is Mr. William Watson, with his tiresome mimicry of Wordsworth and his high-and-dry style of lyrical architecture. Mr. Watson is believed to have done great things, -but his rôle now appears to be one of austere silence; he is what the +but his rôle now appears to be one of austere silence; he is what the old writers would have termed a costive poet. And if his _Collected Poems_ are to be the end of him, his end will not be long deferred. Or, possibly, the one and only poet our England of to-day would wish @@ -1967,7 +1934,7 @@ in sixes, or packed in boxes of dozens, it is handed forth to the carriages of its fair devourers, and taken right away to its repose in the cultured homes of Bayswater and Kensington. From morning till night many Englishwomen do little but read this precious stuff. What -they get out of it amounts in the long run to hysteria and anæmia. It +they get out of it amounts in the long run to hysteria and anæmia. It brings about a general deadening of the mind and a general jaggedness of the emotions, coupled with an utter incapacity to take any save an exaggerated view of the facts of life. Discontent, disillusionment, @@ -2327,7 +2294,7 @@ him; and he plays the game skilfully, correctly, and as a gentleman should. There are droves of him in London; probably no other city in the world could, with comfort, accommodate so many of him. He lives in the sun; he is the joy and pride of the restaurateurs' and the -café-keepers' hearts; no billiard-room is complete without him; he +café-keepers' hearts; no billiard-room is complete without him; he shines at bars of onyx; music-halls and theatres could not get on without him; and, on the whole, it is his useful and pleasing function to keep the West End of London and its offshoots going. What the West @@ -2360,7 +2327,7 @@ his laugh is boisterous, his interest in life acute, and he continues to be passionately fond of food and drink. It is not till his locks become hoar, his purse well-nigh empty, and the number of his years well over threescore-and-ten that he begins to droop. Englishmen will -point him out to you in cafés, and say with hushed voices, "You see +point him out to you in cafés, and say with hushed voices, "You see that man,--the one with the frowsy beard and his hat atilt--well, he spent a hundred and fifty thousand twice! A hundred and fifty thousand, my boy! What did he do with it? Oh, well, what do people do with money? @@ -2445,7 +2412,7 @@ gorgeous saloon and private bars, painted ceilings, inlaid floors, and electric light throughout. Behind the bar, instead of mine host of a former day and his wife and daughter, there are half a dozen perked-up barmaids with rouged cheeks and Rossetti hair, and a person called -the manager, who for £2 a week runs the place for its proprietors--a +the manager, who for £2 a week runs the place for its proprietors--a Limited Company, which owns, perhaps, twenty or thirty other houses. In the conduct of these mammoth drinking-places three great points are kept in view: namely, that a quick-drinking, stand-up trade pays better @@ -2615,7 +2582,7 @@ one cannot afford it. The French programme would be all very well if it were carried out on French lines all through. But it is not. When you say "soup" in a French restaurant, it means that you will be served with half a dozen -table-spoonfuls of _consommé_, or _petite marmite_, or _bisque_, as the +table-spoonfuls of _consommé_, or _petite marmite_, or _bisque_, as the case may be. When the Englishman says "soup," he means enough thick stock to wash a bus down. What is more, he gets it and swallows it. And it is so all down the menu--too much of everything, and don't you think @@ -2691,7 +2658,7 @@ in song and story. The sheer horribleness of the "refreshments" here provided has passed into a proverb. The English themselves admit that if you wish to know the worst about refreshments, you should drink the railway-buffet tea and partake of the railway-buffet sandwich. -They also admit that for abominations in the way of aërated waters, +They also admit that for abominations in the way of aërated waters, milk, beer, and whisky, pastry, cakes, hard-boiled eggs, cold meats, boiled chicken and ham, and chops and steaks from the grill, the railway-buffet takes the palm; and they admit further that the Hebes @@ -2920,8 +2887,8 @@ foundations, all of them, I believe, modern. Here, as it seems to me, the English err again. Broadly speaking, these institutions, wittingly or unwittingly, devote their energies to the preparation of young men for the Civil Service. If you are an English board-school -teacher at £80 a year and you discover that a second-class clerk in -the Circumlocution Department commences at £300 a year, and that, +teacher at £80 a year and you discover that a second-class clerk in +the Circumlocution Department commences at £300 a year, and that, roughly, the examination to be passed is the same as for matriculation at London, you naturally go in bald-headed for matriculation at London. For the learning you get by these efforts you have not the @@ -3040,7 +3007,7 @@ evenings the true-born Englishman may find substantial joys. Then, for the Londoner, in addition to this kind of thing, there are from time to time provided vast orgies at Hampstead Heath, the Welsh Harp, Barnet Fair, and other choice resorts. Here, again, it is a case of cocoanuts, -shooting-galleries, swing-boats, steam-roundabouts, and aërial flights, +shooting-galleries, swing-boats, steam-roundabouts, and aërial flights, backed up with donkey-rides, a free use of the tickler and the ladies' teaser, unlimited confetti throwing, and unlimited beer. These amusements, of course, are on the face of them quite innocent, and @@ -3197,11 +3164,11 @@ are a middle class Englishman whose people have omitted to leave you a million or so, it is very awkward for you. Life is short; the cup goes round but once. -You have £500. How is it to be made into £50,000, and that while the +You have £500. How is it to be made into £50,000, and that while the flush of youth still incarnadines your ambitious cheek? There is only one way: you must speculate--judiciously, if you can; but you must speculate. You are an Englishman and a sportsman, and sometimes you get -your £50,000. Then all the world marvels and would fain do likewise, so +your £50,000. Then all the world marvels and would fain do likewise, so that the ball is kept rolling. It is a ball full of money, and it rolls cityward. The generous, open-handed Englishmen who are the City take as much as they want and toss you the balance. The game is as fashionable @@ -3247,7 +3214,7 @@ employer, all employers, shopkeepers, factory owners, iron-masters, engineers, printers, and even publishers as prosperous as each other, and so on till you come to dukes, than whom, of course, nobody can be more prosperous. It would be possible to bring together six Englishmen -whose incomes ranged from £1 10_s._ a week to £50,000 a year, and +whose incomes ranged from £1 10_s._ a week to £50,000 a year, and whose dress and tastes would be pretty well identical. Fifty years ago the sons of the middle classes had really no inclination toward the superfluities. The dandy was rather laughed at among them, the gourmet @@ -3314,7 +3281,7 @@ ill become an unregenerate outsider rudely to disturb it. Indeed, I question whether the Englishman in his blindness and adipose conceit would allow you to disturb it. -When persons in France say, "_À bas l'Anglais_," your fat Englishman +When persons in France say, "_À bas l'Anglais_," your fat Englishman smiles, and says, "Little boys!" When people put rude pictures of him on German postcards, he smiles again, and says that the flowing tide of public opinion in Germany is entirely with him. When Dutch @@ -3494,365 +3461,4 @@ Original spelling has been retained. -***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE EGREGIOUS ENGLISH*** - - -******* This file should be named 56453-8.txt or 56453-8.zip ******* - - -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: -http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/5/6/4/5/56453 - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part -of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm -concept and trademark. 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