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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/5611-0.txt b/5611-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9784172 --- /dev/null +++ b/5611-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6101 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Satyricon, by Petronius Arbiter + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: The Satyricon + +Author: Petronius Arbiter + +Release Date: May, 2004 [EBook #5611] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on July 21, 2002] + +Edition: 10a + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF8 + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, THE SATYRICON *** + + + + +This eBook was produced by Gordon Keener. + + + + + +The Satyricon +Petronius Arbiter + +Translated by William Burnaby +Introduction by C. K. Scott Moncrieff + + + +ON READING PETRONIUS + +AN OPEN LETTER TO A YOUNG GENTLEMAN + + +My dear --------, + +On a bright afternoon in summer, when we stand on the high ground +above Saint Andrew's, and look seaward for the Inchcape Rock, we can +discern at first nothing at all, and then, if the day favours us, an +occasional speck of whiteness, lasting no longer than the wave that is +reflecting a ray of sunlight upwards against the indistinguishable +tower. But if we were to climb the hill again after dinner, you would +have something to report. So, in the broad daylights of humanity, +such as that Victorian Age in which you narrowly escaped being (and I +was) born, when the landscape is as clear as on Frith's Derby Day, the +ruined tower of Petronius stands unremarked; it is only when the dark +night of what is called civilisation has gathered that his clear beam +can penetrate the sky. Such a night was the Imperial Age in Rome, +when this book was written; such was the Renaissance Age in Italy, +when the manuscript in which the greater part of what has survived is +only to be found was copied; such, again, was the Age of Louis XIV in +France, of the Restoration, and the equally cynical Revolution in +England, during which this manuscript, by the fortune of war, was +discovered at Trau in Dalmatia, copied, edited, printed, in rapid +succession, at Padua, Paris, Upsala, Leipzig and Amsterdam, and, +lastly, "made English by Mr. Burnaby of the Middle Temple, and another +Hand," all between the years 1650 and 1700; such an Age was +emphatically not the nineteenth century, in which (so far as I know) +the only appearance of Petronius in England was that rendered +necessary--painfully necessary, let us hope, to its translator, +Mr. Kelly,--by the fact that the editors of the Bohn Library aimed at +completeness: but, as emphatically, such is the Age in which you and I +are now endeavouring to live. + +_O fortunate nimium_, who were not bred on the Bohn, and feel no +inclination, therefore, to come out in the flesh: were you so foolish +as to ask me for a proof that this Age is not like the last, what more +answer need I give than to point to the edition after edition of +Petronius, text, notes, translation, illustrations, and even a +collotype reproduction of the precious manuscript, that have been +poured out upon us during the last twenty years. But you can +read--and have read, I am sure--a whole multitude of stories in the +newspapers, which are recovering admirably the old frankness in +narration, and have discarded the pose of sermonising rectitude which +led the journalists of a hundred years ago to call things (the names +of which must have been constantly on their lips) "too infamous to be +named"; and from these stories you must have become familiar with the +existence in our country to-day of every one of the types whom you +will discover afresh in Mr. Burnaby's and the "other Hand's" pages. +It is customary to begin with Trimalchio, not that he is the chief, or +even the most interesting figure in the book, but because his is the +type most commonly mentioned in society. To name living examples of +him would be actionable; besides, you are old enough, surely, to +remember the Great War against Germany, and the host of Trimalchiones +and Fortunatæ whom it enknighted and endamed. But to go back to +our hill above Saint Andrew's, Wester Pitcorthie yonder was the +birthplace of James, Lord Hay, of Lanley, Viscount Doncaster and Earl +of Carlisle, the favourite of James VI and I, of whom the reverend +historian tells us that "his first favour arose from a most strange +and costly feast which he gave the king. With every fresh advance his +magnificence increased, and the sumptuousness of his repasts seemed in +the eyes of the world to prove him a man made for the highest fortunes +and fit for any rank. As an example of his prodigality and +extravagance, Osborne tells us that he cannot forget one of the +attendants of the king, who, at a feast made by this monster in +excess, 'eat to his single share a whole pye reckoned to my lord at +£10, being composed of ambergris, magisterial of pearl, musk,' etc. +But, perhaps, the most notable instance of his voluptuousness, is the +fact that it was not enough for his ambition that his suppers should +please the taste alone; the eye also must be gratified, and this was +his device. The company was ushered in to a table covered with the +most elegant art and the greatest profusion; all that the +silver-smith, the shewer, the confectioner, or the cook could produce. +While the company was examining and admiring this delicate display, +the viands of course grew cold, and unfit for such choice palates. +The whole, therefore, called the _ante-supper_, was suddenly removed, +and another supper quite hot, and forming the exact duplicate of the +former, was served in its place. + +So, in those days as in these, your Trimalchio was ennobled; though, +to do King James justice, he had a string of coronets for his Giton +also. The latter and his companions are still only emerging from a +long period of oblivion in literature and obscurity in life. Like the +pagan deities who have shrunk in peasant mythology to be elves and +pooks and suchlike mannikins, these creatures, banished from the +polite reading of the Victorians, reappeared instantly in that +grotesque microcosm of life which the Victorians invented as an outlet +for one of their tightest repressions, the School Story. I shall not +press the analogy between Lycas and Steerforth, but merely remind you +how, years before you ever heard the name (unless it is mentioned +there) of Petronius Arbiter, you welcomed Giton's acquaintance in the +pages of _Eric, or Little by Little_, where he is known as Wildney, +and painted in the most attractive colours, and were rather bored +whenever old Eumolpus walked into the School Library as Mr. Rose. +Dear old Eumolpus, with his boring culture and shameless chuckle, no +school is complete without him; indeed, I have heard that the +principal scholastic agents keep a section in their lists of +"Appointments Required" headed, for private reference, with his sole +name. Ascyltos is generally the Captain of the XV or XI, sometimes of +both, and represents the unending war of muscle against mind; +Encolpius is, of course, the hero of every school story ever written, +though (to be fair) the authors of most of them have never guessed it. +Agamemnon is the sort of form-master whom it is conventional to rag. +He may have told you already that Petronius is worth reading for its +admirable literary criticism (contained in pages 1 to 4 and 189 and +191 of this volume) and you may have listened, not knowing yet that +literary criticism is rarely admirable, nor suspecting that those are +the pages which most people leave unread. But you are fortunate in +having being born in a generation which is not afraid to say frankly +what it likes, and you will, I imagine, say frankly that you have read +Petronius, and intend to read him again because he tells a rattling +good story, and, unlike certain contemporary novelists whom you are +counselled to admire, tells it about people whose characters and +motives you have no difficulty in understanding. + +But all this time I have said nothing to you about Petronius "the +man," as literary critics say, and this, as you may have suspected, is +because I know as little about him as anyone else. You have not long +since laid down your Tacitus: I need do no more than refer you to the +Sixteenth Book of the Annals, where, in the 17th, 18th, 19th and 20th +chapters, you will find what is almost the only historical proof of +his existence. + +A detailed account of him, which must be divinely inspired since there +is no human material for it, has been made popular in the last +half-century by the author--a foreign gentleman, whose name for the +moment escapes me--of a novel entitled _Quo Vadis_. Fond as he must +have been of oysters, there is no evidence that Petronius ever visited +England, but it should be borne in mind that the law for which he is +generally regarded as showing insufficient respect was not enacted +here until more than eighteen hundred years after his death. +Moreover, suicide, the one offence with which he is definitely +charged, was not in his or his contemporaries' eyes the horrid felony +which, I hope, it will always be in yours. That his work--of which +this volume forms but a fragmentary part--had made its way into this +country, with unusual rapidity, in little more than ten centuries from +its publication, is shown by its being frequently quoted by the +English churchman John of Salisbury, the pupil of Abelard and friend +and biographer of Becket (the Saint, not the boxer), who died (as +Bishop of Chartres) in the year 1180. We may suppose that John took a +copy of the _Satyricon_ home with him from Paris, as undergraduates do +to-day from Oxford and Cambridge. Two and a half centuries later, in +1423 (I owe this display of erudition to Mr. Gaselee's collotype +reproduction of the Trau manuscript), Poggio writes to Niccolò +Niccoli that he has received from Cologne a copy recently ordered by +him, of the fifteenth book of Petronius, and asks his friend to return +the extract from Petronius "which I sent you from Britain." This +last, Mr. Gaselee spiritedly assumes, was the part known as _Cena +Trimalchionis_ (pages 41 to 118 in this volume) from which John of +Salisbury makes three separate quotations, but which is not otherwise +on record before the discovery of what may have been Poggio's own +manuscript (for it also is dated 1423) at Trau in Dalmatia, in the +middle of the seventeenth century. + +This manuscript is described as "Fragments from the Fifteenth and +Sixteenth Books of the Satire of Petronius Arbiter"; we may assume, +therefore, that the whole Satire was immensely long, a life-work, like +Marcel Proust's _A la Recherche du Temps Perdu_, and like that work, +perhaps, fatal to its author. Indeed, since Proust's death last year +the two have frequently been compared, and on more than the mere +alliterative ground that is in their names. Of Petronius we are told +"illi dies per somnum, nox officiis et oblectamentis vitae +transigebatur; utque alios industria, ita hunc ignavia ad famam +protulerat, habebaturque non ganeo et profligator, ut plerique sua +haurientium, sed erudito luxu. Ac dicta factaque eius quanto +solutiora et quandam sui negligentiam praeferentia, tanto gratius in +speciem simplicitatis accipiebantur." So far, this describes Proust +also, and the similarity extends to their work. In connexion with +Proust's, one of our youngest critics, your contemporary rather than +mine, raises the question: "how this titanic fragment can be trundled +from age to age," and answers himself with: "_A la Recherche du Temps +Perdu_ is not one of those things which are replaced, like the novel +of the moment, but exactly what part of it is most likely to be saved +the present cannot decide." The better answer is, surely, that, of +Proust as of his fore-runner Petronius, people will keep the things +they like best. There are many pages now in Proust that are +boring--but even now a selected edition for schools and colleges is (I +am told) in the press: there is nothing in the surviving _Satyricon_ +that need bring a yawn to the lips of adolescence. + +If, as I may suppose, you have planned to translate some at least of +the Greek and Latin classics, you can choose no more handy model than +Mr. Burnaby. He is later, it is true, than the richest and best +examples, but so much the nearer to you in speech. He is not always +scholarly--you can safely leave scholarship to others--but he uses an +excellent colloquial English with a common sense in interpretation +which carries him over the many gaps in the story without any palpable +difference in texture. How fragmentary the latter part of the +_Satyricon_ is you will see if you turn to the edition published last +year in the Loeb Classical Library. The reading of fragments has a +fascination for the curious mind: you also, I think, must have +devoured those casual sheets of forgotten masterpieces in which +book-sellers envelop their parcels, and have dignified the whole with +an importance which it can never when in circulation have enjoyed. +Balzac, you remember, plays on this weakness, which he must have +shared, in _La Muse du Département_, where the great Lousteau +exasperates a provincial audience, assembled to hear him talk, by +reading to them the inconsequent pages of _Olympia, ou les Vengeances +romaines;_ it is rich comedy, but the fragment carries us away, and at +the beginning of page 209: "robe frôla dans le silence. Tout à +coup le cardinal Borborigano parut aux yeux de la duchesse--------" we +exclaim, don't we, with Bianchon: "Le cardinal Borborigano! Par les +clefs du pape, si vous ne m'accordez pas qu'il se trouve une +magnifique création seulement dans le nom, si vous ne voyez pas +à ces mots: _robe frôla dans le silence!_ toute la poësie du +rôle de _Schedomi_ inventé par madame Radcliffe dans _le +Confessional des Pénitents noirs_, vous êtes indigne de lire des +romans . . ." And these are fragments that have been deliberately +chosen for preservation. + +Since it is still safe to assume things, I will go on to suggest to +you that the _Satyricon_ was planned, on the Homeric model, in +twenty-four books, and will leave you to--in the striking words used +recently by _The Times_ of the Japanese earthquake--"grope for +analogies" between the text which follows and the fifteenth and +sixteenth books of the Odyssey, which you have, doubtless, by heart. +But, if I know you at all, you are more likely to be groping for +analogies between the characters in Petronius and those you will come +across in the first months of your new London life. Quartilla you +will hardly escape, or Tryphœna either; Fortunata will pester you +with her invitations, and, if you visit the National Gallery (though I +hear they intend, now, to close it) or the Turkish Baths, you must +beware of Eumolpus: while if the others cross your path by night you +will do well to bear in mind the warning given to an earlier poet by a +greater Roman even than Petronius: + + Questi non hanno speranza di morte, + E la lor cieca vita e tanto bassa, + Che invidiosi son d'ogni altra sorte. + Fama di loro il mondo esser non lassa, + Misericordia e giustizia gli sdegna: + Non ragioniam di lor, ma guarda e passa. + +On which high note I shall leave you to enjoy the _Satyricon_, and +shall hope to hear from you, presently, what your opinion of it is. + +C. K. Scott Moncrieff. + + +TO THE RIGHT HONOURABLE HENRY +EARL OF RUMNEY + +_Master-General of Their Majesties Ordinance, and of Their Majesties +most Honourable Privy-Council, Constable of Dover-Castle, and Lord +Warden of the Cinque-Ports._ + + + +My Lord, + +Good men think the meanest friend no more to be dispis'd, than the +politick the meanest enemy; and the generous would be as inquisitive +to discover an unknown esteem for 'em, as the cautious an unknown +hatred: This I say to plead myself into the number of those you know +for your admirers; and that the world may know it, give me leave to +present you with a translation of _Petronius_, and to absolve all my +offences against him, by introducing him into so agreeable company. +You're happy, my Lord, in the most elegant part of his character, in +the gallantry and wit of a polite gentleman, mixt with the observation +and conduct of a man of publik employments; And since all share the +benefit of you,'tis the duty of all to confess their sence of it, I +had almost said, to return, as they cou'd, the favour, and like a true +author, made that my gratitude which may prove your trouble: But what +flatters me most out of the apprehensions of your dislike, is the +gentleman-like pleasantry of the work, where you meet with variety of +ridicule on the subject of _Nero's_ court, an agreeable air of humour +in a ramble through schools, bagnio's temples, and markets; wit and +gallantry in armours, with moral reflections on almost every accident +of humane life. In short, my Lord, I shall be very proud to please a +_Sidney_, an house fertile, of extraordinary genio's, whose every +member deserves his own Sir _Philip_ to celebrate him; whose +characters are romances to the rest of mankind, but real life in his +own family. + +_I am, my Lord,_ +_Your Lordships most devoted_ +_Humble Servant,_ +W. BURNABY. + + + +THE PREFACE + + +The Moors ('tis said) us'd to cast their newborn children into the +sea, and only if they swam would think 'em worth their care; but mine, +with more neglect, I turn into the world, for sink or swim, I have +done all I design'd for't. I have already, with as much satisfaction +as _Aeneas_ in a cloud heard _Dido_ praise him, heard the +_Beaux-Criticks_ condemn this translation before they saw it, and with +as much judgment as if they had: And after they had prophetically +discover'd all the flaws in the turns of thought, the cadence of +periods, and had almost brought in _Epick_ and _Drama_, they supt +their coffee, took snuff, and charitably concluded to send _Briscoe_ +the pye-woman to help off with his books. Well, I have nothing to +say, but that these brisk gentlemen that draw without occasion, must +put up without satisfaction. + +After the injury of 1700 years, or better, and the several editions in +_Quarto_, _Octavo_, _Duodecimo_, etc., with their respective notes to +little purpose; for these annotators upon matters of no difficulty, +are so tedious, that you can't get rid of their enlargements without +sleeping, but at any real knot are too modest to interrupt any man's +Curiosity in the untying of it. After so many years, I say, it +happened upon the taking of _Belgrade_ this author was _made_ entire; +made so because the new is suspected to be illegitimate: But it has so +many features of the lawful father, that he was at least thought of +when 'twas got. Now the story's made out, the character of _Lycas_ +alter'd, and _Petronius_ freed from the imputation of not making +divine or humane justice pursue an ill-spent life. + +As to the translation, the other hand, I believe, has been very +careful; but if my part don't satisfie the world, I should be glad to +see my self reveng'd in a better version; and though it may prove no +difficult province to improve what I have done, I shall yet have the +credit of the first attempt. + +If any of the fine gentlemen should be angry after they have read it, +as some, to save that trouble, have before; and protest I've yet +debauch't _Petronius_, and robb'd him of his language, his only +purity, I hope we shall shortly be reconciled, for I have some very +pretty new songs ready for the press: If this satisfies them, I'll +venture to tell others that I have drest the meaning of the original +as modestly as I could, but to have quite hid the obscaenity, I +thought, were to invent, not translate. + +As for the ladies, if any too-discerning antiquated hypocrite (for +only such I fear) shou'd be angry with the beastly author; let the +work be my advocate, where the little liberties I take, as modestly +betray a broad meaning, as blushing when a man tells the story. + +Those who object, that things of this nature ought not to he +translated, must arraign the versions of _Juvenal Suetonius_, etc., +but what _Suetonius_ thought excusable in _History_, any sober man +will think much more allowable in _Satyr_: Nor can this be offensive +to good-manners, since the gross part here is the displaying of vices +of that dye, that there's an abhorrence even in nature from 'em; nor +is it possible that any ill man can talk a good one into a new frame +or composition; nay, perhaps it may be applicable to a good use, to +see our own happiness, that we know that to be opposite to humanity it +self, which some of the ancients were deluded even to practise as wit +and gallantry, thus I'm so far from being toucht in expressing those +crimes, that I think it makes the more for me, the more they're +detested. + +If I have alter'd or added to the author, it was either to render +those customs of the _Romans_ that were analogous to ours, by what was +more familiar to us, or to prevent a note by enlarging on others where +I found 'em. + +The verse of both parts are mine, and I have taken a great liberty in +'em; and tho' I believe there I have not wrong'd the original, yet all +will not amount to call them _good_. + +The money at first I made _English_ coin, but not the exact worth, +because it would have been odd in some places to have brought in pence +and farthings; as when the thousand sesterces are offered for _Gito_, +it would not be consistent with the haste they were in to offer so +many pounds, so many shillings, and so many pence: I therefore +proportioned a sum to the story without casting up the sesterces; thus +they went to the press: But advis'd either to give the just value or +the _Roman_ coin, I resolv'd on the latter for the reasons I have +given, and alter'd the summs as the proofs came to my hands; but +trusting the care of one sheet to a friend, the summ of 2000 crowns +past unalter'd. + +W. B. + + +THE SATYRICON OF PETRONIUS + +THE SATYR OF +TITUS PETRONIUS ARBITER + +_With its Fragments, recover'd at Buda_, 1688. + + +PART ONE + + + +"I promis'd you an account of what befel me, and am now resolv'd to be +as good as my word, being so met to our desires; not only to improve +our learning, but to be merry, and put life in our discourse with +pleasanter tales. + +"Fabricius Vejento has already, and that wittily, handled the juggle +of religion, and withal discover'd with what impudence and ignorance +priests pretend to be inspir'd: But are not our wrangling pleaders +possest with the same frenzy? who cant it? These wounds I receiv'd in +defence of your liberty; this eye was lost in your service; lend me a +hand to hand me to my children, for my faltering hams are not able to +support me. + +"Yet even this might pass for tolerable, did it put young beginners in +the least way to well-speaking. Whereas now, what with the inordinate +swelling of matter, and the empty ratling of words, they only gain +this, That when they come to appear in publick, they think themselves +in another world. And therefore I look upon the young fry of +collegiates as likely to make the most helpful blockheads, because +they neither hear nor see any thing that is in use among men: But a +company of pirates with their chains on the shoar; tyrants issuing +proclamations to make children kill their fathers; the answers of +oracles in a plague-time, that three or more virgins be sacrific'd to +appease the gods; dainty fine honey-pellets of words, and everything +so said and done, as if it were all spice and garnish. + +"Those that are thus bred can no more understand, than those that live +in a kitchin not stink of the grease. Give me, with your favour, +leave to say, 'twas you first lost the good grace of speaking; for +with light idle gingles of words to make sport ye have brought it to +this, That the substance of oratory is become effeminate and sunk. + +"Young men were not kept to this way of declaiming when Sophocles and +Euripides influenc'd the age. Nor yet had any blind alley-professor +foil'd their inclinations, when Pindar and the Nine Lyricks durst not +attempt Homer's Numbers: And that I may not bring my authority from +poets, 'tis certain, neither Plato nor Demosthenes ever made it their +practice: A stile one would value, and as I may call it, a chast +oration, is not splatchy nor swoll'n, but rises with a natural beauty. + +"This windy and irregular way of babbling came lately out of Asia into +Athens; and having, like some ill planet, blasted the aspiring genius +of their youth, at once corrupted and put a period to all true +eloquence. + +"After this, who came up to the height of Thucydides? Who reach'd the +fame of Hyperedes? Nay, there was hardly a verse of a right strain: +But all, as of the same batch, di'd with their author. Painting also +made no better an end, after the boldness of the Egyptians ventur'd to +bring so great an art into a narrower compass." + +At this and the like rate my self once declaim'd, when one Agamemnon +made up to us, and looking sharply on him, whom the mob with such +diligence observ'd, he would not suffer me to declaim longer in the +portico, than he had sweated in the school; "But, young man," said he, +"because your discourse is beyond the common apprehension, and, which +is not often seen, that you are a lover of understanding, I won't +deceive you: The masters of these schools are not to blame, who think +it necessary to be mad with mad men: For unless they teach what their +scholars approve, they might, as Cicero says, keep school to +themselves: like flattering smell-feasts, who when they come to great +men's tables study nothing more than what they think may be most +agreeable to the company (as well knowing they shall never obtain what +they would, unless they first spread a net for their bars) so a master +of eloquence, unless fisherman like, he bait his hook with what he +knows the fish will bite at, may wait long enough on the rock without +hopes of catching any thing. + +"Where lies the fault then? Parents ought to be sharply reprehended, +who will not have their children come on by any strict method; but in +this, as in all things, are so fond of making a noise in the world; +and in such haste to compass their wishes, that they hurry them in +publick e'er they have digested what they have read, and put children +e'er they are well past their sucking-bottle, upon the good grace of +speaking, than which even themselves confess, nothing is greater: +Whereas if they would suffer them to come up by degrees, that their +studies might be temper'd with grave lectures; their affections +fashion'd by the dictates of wisdom; that they might work themselves +into a mastery of words; and for a long time hear, what they're +inclined to imitate, nothing that pleas'd children, wou'd be admir'd +by them. But now boys trifle in the schools, young men are laugh'd at +in publick, and, which is worse than both, what every one foolishly +takes up in his youth, no one will confess in his age. But that I may +not be thought to condemn Lucilius, as written in haste, I also will +give you my thoughts in verse. + + "Who ere wou'd with ambitious just desire, + To mastery in so fire an art aspire, + Must all extreams first diligently shun, + And in a settled course of vertue run. + Let him not fortune with stiff greatness climb, + Nor, courtier-like, with cringes undermine: + Nor all the brother blockheads of the pot, + Ever persuade him to become a sot; + Nor flatter poets to acquire the fame + Of, I protest, a pretty gentleman. + But whether in the war he wou'd be great, + Or, in the gentler arts that rule a state; + Or, else his amorous breast he wou'd improve + Well to receive the youthful cares of love. + In his first years to poetry inclin'd, + Let Homer's spring bedew his fruitful mind; + His manlier years to manlier studies brought, + Philosophy must next imply his thought. + Then let his boundless soul new glories fire, + And to the great Demosthenes aspire. + When round in throngs the list'ning people come, + T'admire what sprung in Greece so slow at home + Rais'd to this height, your leisure hours engage + In something just and worthy of the stage; + Your choice of words from Cicero derive, + And in your poems you design shou'd live, + The joys of feasts, and terrors of a war, + More pleasing those, and these more frightful are, + When told by you, than in their acting were: + And thus, enrich'd with such a golden store, + You're truly fit to be an orator." + +While I was wholly taken up with Agamemnon, I did not observe how +Ascyltos had given me the slip, and as I continu'd my diligence, a +great crowd of scholars fill'd the portico, to hear, (as it appear'd +afterwards) an extemporary declamation, of I know not whom, that was +discanting on what Agamemnon had said; while therefore they ridicul'd +his advice, and condemn'd the order of the whole, I took an +opportunity of getting from them, and ran in quest of Ascyltos: But +the hurry I was in, with my ignorance where our inn lay, so distracted +me, that what way soever I went, I return'd by the same, till tir'd in +the pursuit, and all in a sweat, I met an old herb-woman: And, "I +beseech ye, mother," quoth I, "do you know whereabouts I dwell?" +Pleas'd with the simplicity of such a home-bred jest, "Why should I +not?" answer'd she; and getting on her feet went on before me: I +thought her no less than a witch: but, having led me into a bye lane, +she threw off her pyebal'd patch't-mantle, and "here," quoth she, "you +can't want a lodging." + +While I was denying I knew the house, I observ'd a company of beaux +reading the bills o'er the cells, on which was inscrib'd the name of +the whore and her price; and others of the same function naked, +scuttling it here and there, as if they would not, yet would be seen: +When too late I found my self in a bawdy-house, cursing the jade that +had trapan'd me thither, I cover'd my head and was just making off +through the midst of them, when in the very entry Ascyltos met me, but +as tir'd as my self, and in a manner dead; you'd have sworn the same +old woman brought him. I could not forbear laughing, but having +saluted each other, I ask'd what business he had in so scandalous a +place? He wip'd his face, and "if you knew," said he, "what has +happened to me--" "As what?" quoth I. + +He faintly reply'd "When I had rov'd the whole city without finding +where I had left the inn, the master of this house came up to me, and +kindly profer'd to be my guide; so through many a cross lane and blind +turning, having brought me to this house, he drew his weapon and prest +for a closer ingagement. In this affliction the whore of the cell +also demanded garnish-money; and he laid such hands on me, that had I +not been too strong for him, I had gone by the worst of it." + +While Ascyltos was telling his tale, in come the same fellow, with a +woman, none of the least agreeable, and looking upon Ascyltos, +entreated him to walk in and fear nothing, for if he would not be +passive he might be active: the woman on the other hand press'd me to +go in with her. We follow'd therefore, and being led among those +bills, we saw many of both sexes at work in the cells, so much every +of them seem'd to have taken a provocative. + +Nor were we sooner discover'd than they wou'd have been at us with the +like impudence, and in a trice one of them, his coat tuck'd under his +girdle, laid hold on Ascyltos, and threw him athwart a couch: I +presently ran to help the undermost, and putting our strengths +together, we made nothing of the troublesome fool. Ascyltos went off, +and flying, left me expos'd to the fury; but, thanks to my strength, I +got off without hurt. + +I had almost traverst the city round, when through the dusk I saw Gito +on the beggars-bench of our inn; I made up to him, and going in, ask'd +him, what Ascyltos had got us for dinner? the boy sitting down on the +bed, began to wipe the tears that stood in his eyes; I was much +concern'd at it, and ask'd him the occasion; he was slow in his +answer, and seem'd unwilling; but mixing threats with my intreaties; +"'Twas that brother or comrogue of yours," said he, "that coming ere +while into our lodging, wou'd have been at me, and put hard for it. +When I cry'd out, he drew his sword, and 'if thou art a Lucreece,' +said he, 'thou hast met a Tarquin.'" + +I heard him, and shaking my fist at Ascyltos; "What saist thou," said +I, "thou catamite, whose very breath is tainted?" + +He dissembled at first a great trembling, but presently throwing my +arms aside, in a higher voice cry'd out: "Must you be prating, thou +ribaldrous cut-throat whom, condemn'd for murdring thine host, nothing +but the fall of the stage could have sav'd? You make a noise, thou +night-pad, who when at thy best hadst never to do with any woman but a +bawd? On what account, think ye, was I the same to you in the aviary, +that the boy here, now is!" + +"And who but you," interrupted I, "gave me that slip in the portico?" +"Why what, my Man of Gotham," continu'd he, "must I have done, when I +was dying for hunger? Hear sentence forsooth, that is, the ratling of +broken glasses, and the expounding of dreams? So help me Hercules, as +thou art the greater rogue of the two, who to get a meals meat wert +not asham'd to commend an insipid rhimer." When at last, having +turn'd the humour from scolding to laughing, we began to talk soberly. + +But the late injury still sticking in my stomach, "Ascyltos," said I, +"I find we shall never agree together, therefore let's divide the +common stock, and each of us set up for himself: Thou'rt a piece of a +scholar, and I'll be no hindrance to thee, but think of some other +way; for otherwise we shall run into a thousand mischiefs, and become +town-talk." + +Ascyltos was not against it; and "Since we have promis'd," said he, +"as scholars, to sup together, let's husband the night too: and +to-morrow I'll get me a new lodging, and some comrade or other." + +"'Tis irksome," said I, "to defer what we like" (the itch of the flesh +occasion'd this hasty parting, tho' I had been a long time willing to +shake off so troublesome an observer of my actions, that I might renew +my old intrigue with my Gito). + +Ascyltos taking it as an affront, without answering, went off in a +heat: I was too well acquainted with his subtle nature, and the +violence of his love, not to fear the effects of so suddain a breach, +and therefore made after him, both to observe his designs and prevent +them; but losing sight of him, was a long time in pursuit to no +purpose. + +When I had search'd the whole town, I return'd to my lodging, where, +the ceremony of kisses ended, I got my boy to a closer hug, and, +enjoying my wishes, thought myself happy even to envy: Nor had I done +when Ascyltos stole to the door, and springing the bolt, found us at +leap-frog; upon which, clapping his hands, he fell a laughing, and +turning me out of the saddle; "What," said he, "most reverend +gentleman, what were you doing, my brother sterling?" Not content +with words only, but untying the thong that bound his wallet, he gave +me a warning, and with other reproaches, "As you like this, so be for +parting again." + +The unexpectedness of the thing made me take no notice of it, but +politickly turn it off with a laugh; for otherwise I must have been at +loggar-heads with my rival: Whereas sweetening him with a counterfeit +mirth, I brought him also to laugh for company: "And you, Encolpius," +began he, "are so wrapt in pleasures, you little consider how short +our money grows, and what we have left will turn to no account: +There's nothing to be got in town this summertime, we shall have +better luck in the country; let's visit our friends." + +Necessity made me approve his advice, as well as conceal the smart of +his lash; so loading Gito with our baggage, we left the city, and went +to the house of one Lycurgus, a Roman knight; who, because Ascyltos +had formerly been his pathick, entertain'd us handsomly; and the +company, we met there, made our diversions the pleasanter: For, first +there was Tryphœna, a very beautiful woman, that had come with one +Lycas, the owner of a ship, and of a small seat, that lay next the +sea. + +The delight we receiv'd in this place was more than can be exprest, +tho' Lycurgus's table was thrifty enough: The first thing was every +one to chuse his play-mate: The fair Tryphœna pleas'd me, and +readily inclin'd to me; but I had scarce given her the courtesie of +the house, when Lycas storming to have his old amour slockt from him, +accus'd me at first of under-dealing; but soon from a rival addressing +himself as a lover, he pleasantly told me, I must repair his damages, +and plyed me hotly: But Tryphœna having my heart, I could not lend +him an ear. The refusal set him the sharper; he follow'd me +where-ever I went, and getting into my chamber at night, when entreaty +did no good, he fell to downright violence; but I rais'd such an +outcry that I wak'd the whole house, and, by the help of Lycurgus, got +rid of him for that bout. + +At length perceiving Lycurgus's house was not for his purpose, he +would have persuaded me to his own; but I rejecting the proffer, he +made use of Tryphœna's authority; and she the rather persuaded me +to yield to him, because she was in hopes of living more at liberty +there. I follow'd therefore whither my love led me; but Lycurgus +having renew'd his old concern with Ascyltos, wou'd not suffer him to +depart: At last we agreed, that he shou'd stay with Lycurgus, and we +go with Lycas: Over and beside which, it was concluded, that every of +us, as opportunity offer'd, should pilfer what he could for the common +stock. + +Lycas was overjoy'd at my consent, and so hasten'd our departure, +that, taking leave of our friends, we arriv'd at his house the same +day. But in our passage he so order'd the matter that he sate next +me, and Tryphœna next Gito, which he purposely contriv'd to show +the notorious lightness of that woman; nor was he mistaken in her, for +she presently grew hot upon the boy: I was quickly jealous, and Lycas +so exactly remark'd it to me, that he soon confirm'd my suspicion of +her. On this I began to be easier to him, which made him all joy, as +being assur'd the unworthiness of my new mistress wou'd beget my +contempt of her, and resenting her slight, I shou'd receive him with +the better will. + +So stood the matter while we were at Lycas's: Tryphœna was +desperately in love with Gito; Gito again as wholly devoted to her; I +car'd least for the sight of either of them; and Lycas studying to +please me, found me every day some new diversion: In all which also +his wife Doris, a fine woman, strove to exceed him, and that so gayly, +that she presently thrust Tryphœna from my heart: I gave her the +wink, and she return'd her consent by as wanton a twinckle; so that +this dumb rhetorick going before the tongue, secretly convey'd each +others mind. + +I knew Lycas was jealous, which kept me tongue-ty'd so long, and the +love he bore his wife made him discover to her, his inclination to me: +But the first opportunity we had of talking together, she related to +me what she had learn'd from him; and I frankly confess'd it, but +withal told her how absolutely averse I had ever been to't: "Well +then," quoth the discreet woman, "we must try our wits, according to +his own opinion, the permission was one's, and the possession +another's." + +By this time Gito had been worn off his legs, and was gathering new +strength, when Tryphœna came back to me, but disappointed of her +expectations, her love turn'd to a downright fury; and, all on fire +with following me to no purpose, got into my intrigue both with Lycas +and his wife: She made no account of his gamesomeness with me, as well +knowing it wou'd hinder no grist to her mill: But for Doris, she never +left till she had found out our private amours, and gave a hint of it +to Lycas; whose jealousie having got the upper hand of his love, ran +all to revenge; but Doris, advertis'd by Tryphœna's woman, to +divert the storm, forbore any such meetings. + +As soon as I perceiv'd it, having curs'd the treachery of Tryphœna, +and the ingratitude of Lycas, I began to make off, and fortune +favour'd me: For a ship consecrated to the Goddess Isis, laden with +rich spoils, had the day before run upon the rocks. + +Gito and I laid our heads together, and he was as willing as my self +to be gone; for Tryphœna having drawn him dry, began now not to be +so fond of him. Early the next morning therefore we march'd to +sea-ward, where with the less difficulty we got on board the ship, +because we were no strangers to Lycas's servants then in wait upon +her: They still honouring us with their company, it was not a time to +filch any thing; but, leaving Gito with them, I took an opportunity of +getting into the stern, where the image of Isis stood, and strip'd her +of a rich mantle, and silver taber, lifting other good booty out of +the master's cabin, I stole down by a rope, unseen by any but Gito; +who also gave them the slip and sculk'd after me. + +As soon as I saw him I shew'd him the purchase, and both of us +resolv'd to make what haste we could to Ascyltos, but Lycurgus's house +was not to be reach'd the same day: When we came to Ascyltos we shew'd +him the prize, and told him in short the manner of getting it, and how +we were made a meer may-game of love: He advis'd us to prepossess +Lycurgus with our case, and make him our friend ere the others could +see him; and withal boldly assert it, that the trick Lycas would have +served them, was the only cause why they stole away so hastily; which +when Lycurgus came to understand, he swore he would at all times +protect us against our enemies. + +Our fight was unknown till Tryphœna and Doris were got out of bed; +for we daily attended their levy, and waited on them while they were +dressing; but, when contrary to custom they found us missing, Lycas +tent after us, and especially to the sea-side, for he had heard we +made that way, but not a word of the pillage, for the ship lay +somewhat to sea-ward, and the master had not yet return'd on board. + +But at last it being taken for granted we had run away, and Lycas +becoming uneasie for want of us, fell desperately foul on his wife, +whom he suppos'd to be the cause of our departure: I'll take no notice +of what words and blows past between them; I know not every +particular: I'll only say, Tryphœna, the mother of mischief, had +put Lycas in the head, that it might so be, we had taken sanctuary at +Lycurgus's, where she persuaded him to go in quest of the runnagates, +and promis'd to bear him company, that she might confound our +impudence with just reproaches. + +The next day they accordingly set forward, and came to his house; but +we were out of the way: For Lycurgus was gone to a festival in honour +of Hercules, held at a neighbouring village, and had taken us with +him, of which when the others were inform'd, they made what haste they +could to us, and met us in the portico of the temple. The sight of +them very much disordered us: Lycas eagerly complained of our flight +to Lycurgus, but was received with such a bended brow, and so haughty +a look, that I grew valiant upon't, and with an open throat charg'd +him with his beastly attempts upon me, as well at Lycurgus's as in his +own house; and Tryphœna endeavouring to stop my mouth, had her +share with him, for I set out her harlotry to the mob, who were got +about us to hear the scolding: And as a proof of what I said, I shew'd +them poor sapless Gito, and my self also, whom that itch of the whore +had even brought to our graves. + +The shout of the mob put our enemies so out of countenance that they +went off heavily, but contriving a revenge; and therefore observing +how we had put upon Lycurgus, they went back to expect him at his +house, and set him right again. The solemnity ending later than was +expected, we could not reach Lycurgus's that night, and therefore he +brought us to a half-way house, but left us asleep next morning, and +went home to despatch some business, where he found Lycas and +Tryphœna waiting for him, who so ordered the matter with him, that +they brought him to secure us. Lycurgus naturally barbarous and +faithless, began to contrive which way to betray us, and sent Lycas to +get some help, whilst he secured us in the village. + +Thither he came, ard at his first entry, treated us as Lycas had done: +After which wringing his hands together, he upbraided us with the lye +we had made of Lycas, and taking Ascyltos from us, lock'd us up in the +room where we were, without so much as hearing him speak in our +defence; but carrying him to his house, set a guard upon us, till +himself should return. + +On the road Ascyltos did what he could to mollifie Lycurgus; but +neither entreaties, nor love, nor tears doing any good on him, it came +into our comerades head to set us at liberty, and being all on fire at +Lycurgus's restiness, refus'd to bed with him that night, and by that +means the more easily put in execution what he had been thinking on. + +The family was in their dead sleep when Ascyltos took our fardels on +his shoulders, and getting through a breach in the wall, which he had +formerly taken notice of, came to the village by break of day, and +meeting no one to stop him, boldly enter'd it and came up to our +chamber; which the guard that was upon us, took care to secure; but +the bar being of wood, he easily wrenched it with an iron crow, and +waken'd us; for we snor'd in spight of fortune. + +Our guard had so over-watched themselves, that they were fall'n into a +dead sleep, and we only wak'd at the crack. To be short, Ascyltos +came in and briefly told us what he had done for our sakes: On this we +got up; and as we were rigging our selves, it came into my head to +kill the guard, and rifle the village; I told Ascyltos my mind. He +liked the rifling well enough, but gave us a wish'd delivery without +blood, for being acquainted with every corner of the house, he pick'd +the lock of an inner-room where the movables lay, and bringing us into +it, we lifted what was of most value, and got off while it was yet +early in the morning; avoiding the common road, and not resting till +we thought our selves out of danger. + +Then Ascyltos having got heart again, began to amplifie the delight he +took in having pillag'd Lycurgus; of whose miserableness he, not +without cause, complain'd; for he neither paid him for his nights +service, nor kept a table that had either meat, or drink on't, being +such a sordid pinch-peny; that, notwithstanding his infinite wealth, +he deny'd himself the common necessaries of life. + + Unhappy Tantalus, amidst the flood, + Where floating apple on the surface roll'd, + Ever pursu'd them with a longing eye, + Yet could not thurst nor hunger satisfie. + Such is the miser's fate; who midst his store, + Fearing to use, is miserably poor. + +Ascyltos would have been for Naples the same day, had I not told him +how imprudent it was to take up there, where, forasmuch as could be +conjectur'd, we were most likely to be sought after: "And therefore,'' +said I, "let's keep out of the way for the present, and, since we have +enough to keep us from want, stroul it about till the heat be over." +The advice was approv'd, and we set forward for a pleasant +country-town, where we were sure to meet some of our acquaintance that +were taking the benefit of the season: But we were scarce got half +way, when a shower of rain emptying it self upon us like buckets, +forc'd us into the next village; where entring the inn, we saw a great +many others that had also struck in, to avoid the storm. The throng +kept us from being taken notice of, and gave us the opportunity of +prying here and there, what we might filch in a crowd, when Ascyltos, +unheeded of any one, took a purse from the ground, in which he found +several pieces of gold; we leap'd for joy at so fortunate a beginning; +but fearing, lest some or other might seek after it, we slunk out at a +back-door, where we saw a groom saddling his horses; but, as having +forgotten somewhat, he run into the house leaving behind him an +embroider'd mantle, mail'd to one of the saddles: In his absence I cut +the straps and under the covert of some out-sheds we made off with it +to a neighbouring forest. Being more out of danger among the thickets +we cast about where we should hide the gold that we might not be +either charg'd with the felony, or robb'd of it our selves: At last we +concluded to sow it in the lining of an old patcht coat which I threw +over my shoulders and entrusted the care of the mantle to Ascyltos, in +design to get to the city by cross-ways: But as we were going out we +heard somewhat on our left hand to this purpose: "They shall not +escape us; they came into the wood; let's separate ourselves and beat +about, that we may the better discover and take them." This put us +into such a fright that Ascyltos and Gito fled through briars and +brambles to the city-ward; but I turn'd back again in such a hurry +that without perceiving it the precious coat drop'd from my shoulders: +At last being quite tir'd and not able to go any further, I laid me +down under the shelter of a tree where I first miss'd the coat: Then +grief restor'd my strength, and up I got again to try if I could +recover the treasure; I ran hither and thither and every where but to +no purpose; but spent and wasted between toil and heaviness, I got +into a thicket, where having tarried four hours, and half dead with +the horror of the place, I sought the way out; but going forward, a +country-man came in sight of me: Then I had need of all my confidence, +nor did it fail me: I went up roundly to him, and making my moan how I +had lost my self in the wood, desir'd him tell me the was to the city: +He pittying my figure (for I was as pale as death, and all bemir'd) +ask'd me if I had seen any one in the wood? I answer'd, not a +soul--on which he courteously brought me into the highway, where he +met two of his friends, who told him, they had travers'd the wood +thro' and thro' but had light upon nothing but a coat, which they +shew'd him. + +It may easily be believed I had not the courage to challenge it, tho' +I knew well enough what the value of it was: This struck me more than +all the rest; however, bewailing my treasure, the country-man not +heeding me, and feebleness growing upon me, I slacken'd my pace, and +jogg'd on slower than ordinarily. + +It was longer e're I reach'd the city than I thought of; but coming to +the inn, I found Ascyltos half dead, and stretcht on a straw pallet, +and fell on another my self, not able to utter a word: He missing the +coat was in a great disorder, and hastily demanded of me, what was +become of it: I on the other hand, scarce able to draw my breath, +resolv'd him by my languishing eyes, what my tongue would not give me +leave to speak: At length recovering by little and little, I plainly +told him the ill luck I had met with: But he thought I jested, and +tho' the tears in my eyes might have been as full evidence to him as +an oath, he yet questioned the truth of what I said, and would not +believe but I had a mind to cheat him. During this, Gito stood as +troubled as my self, and the boy's sadness increased mine: But the +fresh suit that was after us, distracted me most. I opened the whole +to Ascyltos who seem'd little concern'd at it, as having luckily got +off for the present, and withal assur'd himself, that we were past +danger, in that we were neither known, nor seen by any one: However, +it was thought fit to pretend a sickness, that we might have the +better pretext to keep where we were: But our monies falling shorter +than we thought of, and necessity enforcing us, we found it high time +to sell some of our pillage. + +It was almost dark, when going into the brokers market, we saw +abundance of things to be bought and sold: of no extraordinary value, +'tis true; yet such whose night-walking trade, the dusk of the evening +might easily conceal. We also had the mantle with us, and taking the +opportunity of a blind corner, fell a shaking the skirt of it, to try +if so glittering a shew would bring us a purchaser; nor had we been +long there, e're a certain country-man, whom I thought I had seen +before, came up to us with a hussye that follow'd him, and began to +consider the mantle more narrowly, as on rhe other side did Ascyltos +our country chapman's shoulders, which presently startled him, and +struck him dumb, nor could my self behold 'em without being concern'd +at it, for he seemed to me to be the same fellow that had found the +coat in the wood, as in truth he was: But Ascyltos doubting whether he +might trust his eyes or not, and that he might not do any thing +rashly, first came nearer to him as a buyer, and taking the coat from +his shoulders, began to cheapen, and turn it more carefully. O the +wonderful vagaries of fortune! for the country-man had not so much as +examined a seam of it, but carelessly exposed it as beggars-booty. + +Ascyltos seeing the coat unript, and the person of the seller +contemptible, took me aside from the crowd: And "Don't you see, +brother," said he, "the treasure I made such moan about is returned? +That's the coat with the gold in't, all safe and untoucht: What +therefore do we do, or what course shall we take to get our own +again?" + +I now comforted, not so much that I had seen the booty, but had +clear'd my self of the suspicion that lay upon me, was by no means for +going about the bush, but down-right bringing an action against him, +that if the fellow would not give up the coat to the right owner, we +might recover it by law: + + Laws bear the name, but money has the power; + The cause is bad when e'er the client's poor: + Those strickt liv'd men that seem above our world + Are oft too modest to resist our gold. + So judgment, like our other wares, is sold; + And the grave knight that nods upon the laws, + Wak'd by a fee, hems, and approves the cause. + +Ascyltos on the other side afraid of the law, "Who," said he, "knows +us in this place, or will give any credit to what we say? I am clear +for buying it, tho' we know it to be our own, and rather recover the +treasure with a little money, than embroil our selves in an uncertain +suit"; but we had not above a couple of groats ready money, and that +we design'd should buy us somewhat to eat. Least therefore the coat +should be gone in the mean time, we agreed, rather than fail, to sell +the mantle at a lower price, that the advantage we got by the one, +might make what we lost by the other more easie. + +As soon therefore as we had spread open the mantle, the woman that +stood muffled by the country-man, having pryingly taken notice of some +tokens about it, forceably laid both hands on't, and setting up her +throat, cryed out, "Thieves, thieves!" + +We on the t'other part being disordered at it, lest yet he might seem +to do nothing, got hold of the totter'd coat, and as spitefully +roar'd, they had robb'd us of it: But our case was in no wise like +theirs, and the rabble that came in to the out-cry, ridicul'd, as they +were wont, the weaker side, in that the others laid claim to so rich a +mantle, and we to a ragged coat, scarce worth a good patch. At this +Ascyltos could hardly keep his countenance; but the noise being over, +We see, said he, how every one likes his own best, give us our coat, +and let them take the mantle. + +The country-man and the woman lik'd the exchange well enough, but a +sort of petty-foggers, most of whose business was such night practice, +having a mind to get the mantle themselves, as importunately required, +that both mantle and coat should be left in their hands, and the judge +would hear their complaints on the morrow: For it was not the things +alone that seem'd to be in dispute, but quite another matter to be +enquir'd into, to wit, a strong suspicion of robbery on both sides. + +At last it was agreed to put both into some indifferent hand, till the +right were determin'd; when presently one, I know not who, with a bald +pate, and a face full of pimples, he had been formerly a kind of +solicitor, steps out of the rout, and laying hold on the mantle, said +he'd be security it should be forth-coming the next day: when in truth +he intended nothing more, but that having gotten it into hucksters +hands, it might be smugled among them, as believing we would never +come to own it, for fear of being taken up for it; for our part we +were as willing as he; and an accident befriended both of us: For the +country-man thinking scorn of it, that we demanded to have the patcht +coat given us, threw it at Ascyltos's head, and discharging us of +everything but the mantle, required that to be secur'd as the only +cause of the dispute. Having therefore recovered, as we thought, our +treasure, we made all the haste we could to the inn, and having shut +the door upon us, made our selves merry, as well with the Judgment of +the rabble as of our detractors, who with so much circumspection had +restor'd us our money. + +While we were ripping the coat and taking out the gold, we overheard +somebody asking mine host, what kind of people those were that had +just now come in, and being startled at it, I went down to see what +was the matter, and understood that a city serjeant, who according to +the duty of his office, took an account of all strangers, and had seen +a couple come into the inn, whose names he had not yet registered, and +therefore, inquired of what country they were, and what way of living +they had. + +But mine host gave me such a blind account of it, that I began to +suspect we were not safe there; whereupon for fear of being taken up, +we thought fit to go off for the present, and not come back again till +it was in the night, but leave the care of our supper to Gito. + +We had resolv'd to keep out of the broad streets, and accordingly took +our walk thro' that quarter of the city where we were likely to meet +least company; when in a narrow winding lane that had not passage +thro', we saw somewhat before us, two comely matron-like women, and +followed them at a distance to a chappel, which they entred, whence we +heard an odd humming kind of noise, as if it came from the hollow of a +cave: Curiosity also made us go in after them, where we saw a number +of women, as mad as they had been sacrificing to Bacchus, and each of +them an amulet (the ensign of Priapus) in her hand. More than that we +could not get to see; for they no sooner perceived us, than they set +up such a shout, that the roof of the temple shook agen, and withal +endeavoured to lay hands on us; but we scamper'd and made what haste +we could to the inn. + +Nor had we sooner stuff'd our selves with the supper Gito had got for +us, when a more than ordinary bounce at the door, put us into another +fright; and when we, pale as death, ask'd who was there, 'twas +answer'd, "Open the door and you'll see:" While we were yet talking, +the bolt drop'd off, and the door flew open, on which, a woman with +her head muffl'd came in upon us, but the same who a little before had +stood by the country-man in the market: "And what," said she, "do you +think to put a trick upon me? I am Quartilla's maid, whose sacred +recess you so lately disturb'd: she is at the inn-gate and desires to +speak with ye: not that she either taxes your inadvertency, or has a +mind to so resent it, but rather wonders, what god brought such civil +gentlemen into her quarters." + +We were silent as yet, and gave her the hearing, but inclin'd to +neither part of what she had said, when in came Quartilla herself, +attended with a young girl, and sitting down by me, fell a weeping: +nor here also did we offer a word, but stood expecting what those +tears at command meant. At last when the showre had emptied it self, +she disdainfully turn'd up her hood and clinching her fingers +together, till the joints were ready to crack, "What impudence," said +she, "is this? or where learnt ye those shamms, and that slight of +hand ye have so lately been beholding to? By my faith, young men, I +am sorry for ye; for no one beheld what was unlawful for him to see, +and went off unpunisht: and verily our part of the town has so many +deities, you'll sooner find a god than a man in't: And that you may +not think I came hither to be revenged on ye, I am more concern'd for +your youth, than the injury ye have done me: for unawares, as I yet +think, ye have committed an unexpiable abomination. + +"For my part it troubled me all night, and threw me into such a +shaking, that I was afraid I had gotten a tertian, on which I took +somewhat to have made me sleep; but the god appeared to me, and +commanded me to rise and find ye out, as the likeliest way to take off +the violence of the fit. But I am not so much in pain for a remedy, +as that a greater anguish strikes me to the heart, and will +undoubtedly make an end of me, for fear in one of your youthful +frolicks, you should disclose what you saw in Priapus's chappel, and +utter the counsels of the gods among the people. Low as your knees, I +therefore lift my hands t'ye, that ye neither make sport of our +night-worship, nor dishonour the mysteries of so many years, which, +'tis not every one, even among our selves, that knows." + +After this she fell a crying again, and with many a pittiful groan, +fell flat on my bed: when I at the same time, between pity and fear, +bid her take courage and assure her self of both; for that we would +neither divulge those holy mysteries; nor if the god had prescribed +her any other remedy fot her ague, be wanting our selves to assist +providence, even with our own hazard. + +At this promise of mine, becoming more chearful, she fell a kissing me +thick and threefold, and turning the humour of tears into laughing, +she comb'd up some hair that hung over my face with her fingers, and, +"I come to a truce with ye," said she, "and discharge ye of the +process I intended against you: but if ye shou'd refuse me the +medicine I entreat of ye for the ague, I have fellows enough will be +ready by to morrow, that shall both vindicate my reputation, and +revenge the affront ye put upon me. + + "Contempt's dishono'rable, and the giver rude, + T'advise the doctor, speaks the patient proud: + But l am mistress of my self so far, + I can pay scorn with scorn without a war: + The wise revenge is to neglect the ill, + They're not the only conquerours that kill." + +Then clapping her hands together, she turn'd off to so violent a +laughter, that made us apprehensive of some design against us; the +same also did the woman that came in first, and the girl that came +with her; but so mimically, that seeing no reason for so sudden a +change, we one while star'd on one another, and otherwhile on the +woman. + +At length, quoth Quartilla, "I have commanded, that no flesh alive be +suffered to come into this inn to day; that I may receive from you the +medicine for the ague without interruption." + +At what time Ascyltos was a little amaz'd, and I so chill'd that I had +not power to utter a word: But the company gave me heart not to expect +worse, for they were but three women, and if they had any design, must +yet be too weak to effect it against us, who if we had nothing more of +man about us, had yet that figure to befriend us: We were all girt up +for the purpose, and I had so contriv'd the couples, that if it must +come to a rancounter, I was to make my part good with Quartilla, +Ascyltos with her woman, and Gito the girl. + +While I was thus casting the matter in my head, Quartilla came up to +me, to cure me of the ague, but finding her self disappointed, flew +off in a rage, and returning in a little while, told us, there were +certain persons unknown, had a design upon us, and therefore commanded +to remove us into a noble palace. + +Here all our courage fail'd us, and nothing but certain death seem'd +to appear before us. + +Then I began, "If, madam, you design to be more severe with us, be yet +so kind as to dispatch it quickly; for whate'er our offence be, it is +not so hainous that we ought to be rack'd to death for it": Upon which +her woman, whose name was Psyche, spread a coverlet on the floor, +Sollicitavit inguina mea mille iam mortibus frigida. Ascyltos muffled +his head in his coat, as having had a hint given him, how dangerous it +was to take notice of what did not concern him. In the mean time +Psyche took off her garters, and with one of them bound my feet, and +with the other my hands. + +Thus fetter'd as I lay, "This, madam," said I, "is not the way to rid +you of your ague." "I grant it," answer'd Psyche, "but I have a Dose +at hand will infallibly do it" and therefore brought me a lusty bowl +of satyricon, (a love-potion) and so merrily ran over the wonderful +effects of it, that I had well-nigh suck'd it all off; but because +Ascyltos had slighted her courtship, she finding his back towards her, +threw the bottom of it on him. + +Ascyltos perceiving the chat was at an end, "Am not I worthy," said +he, "to get a sup?" And Psyche fearing my laughter might discover +her, clapped her hands, and told him, "Young-man I made you an offer +of it, but your friend here has drunk it all out." + +"Is it so," quoth Quartilla, smiling very agreeably, "and has +Ercolpius gugg'd it all down?" At last also even Gito laught for +company, at what time the young wench flung her arms about his neck, +and meeting no resistance, half smother'd him with kisses. + +We would have cry'd out, but there was no one near to help us; and as +I was offering to bid 'em keep the peace, Psyche fell a nipping and +pricking me with her bodkin: on the other side also, the young wench +half stifled Ascyltos with a dish-clout she had rubb'd in the bowl. + +Lastly came leaping upon us a burdash, in a rough mantle stuck with +myrtle, girt about him; and one while almost ground our hipps to +powder with his bobbing at us, and other while slobber'd us with his +nasty kisses; till Quartilla, holding her staff of office in her hand, +discharg'd us of the service; but not without having first taken an +oath of us, that so dreadful a secret should go no further than our +selves. Then came in a company of wrestlers, and rubb'd us over with +the yolk of an egg beaten to oil: When being somewhat refresh'd, we +put on our right gowns, and were led into the next room, that had +three beds in it, all well appointed, and the rest of the +entertainment as splendidly set out. The word was given, and we sate +down, when having whet our appetites with an excellent antipast, we +swill'd our selves with the choicest of wine; nor was it long e'er we +fell a nodding. "It is so," quoth Quartilla; "can ye sleep when ye +know it is the vigil to Priapus?" at what time Ascyltos snor'd so +soundly, that Psyche, not yet forgeting the disapointment, he gave +her, all besooted his face, and scor'd down his shoulders with a burnt +sticks end. + +Plagu'd with these mischiefs, I hardly got the least wink of sleep, +nor was the whole family, whether within doors or without, in a much +better condition, some lay up and down at our feet, others had run +their heads against the walls, and others lay dead asleep cross the +threshold: The lamps also having drunk up their oil, gave a thin and +last blaze. + +At this instant got in a couple of pilfering rogues to have stollen +our wine; but while they fell a scuffling among some silver vessels +that stood upon the table, they broke the earthen pot that held the +wine, and overthrew the table, with the plate on it, and at the same +time also, a cup falling off the shelf on Psyche's bed, broke her head +as she lay fast asleep; on which he cry'd out, and therewith +discovered the thieves, and wak'd some of the drunkards: The thieves +on the other hand finding themselves in a pound, threw themselves on +one of the beds, as some of the guests, and fell a snoring like the +rest. The usher of the hall being by this time got awake, put some +more oil in the dying lamps; and the boys, having rubb'd their eyes, +return'd to their charge, when in came a woman that play'd on the +harp, and ratling its strings, rous'd all the rest: On which the +banquet was renew'd, and Quartilla gave the word, to go on where we +left (that is drinking): The she harper also added not a little to our +midnight revel. + +At last bolted in a shameless rascal, one of no grace either in words +or gesture, and truly worthy of the house where he was; he also set up +his voice, 'till apishly composing himself, as if he intended somewhat +to the company, he mouth'd out these verses: + + O yes! Now tumblers with your wanton tricks, + Make haste, move your legs quick, make the ground drum; + With wanton arms, soft thighs, and active hips, + The old, the tender, and the sweetly young. + +Consumptis versibus suis immundissimo me basio conspuit. Mox et super +lectum venit atque omni vi detexit recusantem. Super inguina mea diu +multumque frustea moluit. Profluebant per frontem sudantem acaciae +rivi, et inter rugas malarum tantum erat cretae, ut putares detectum +parictum nimbo laborare. Non tenui ego diutius lacrimas, sed ad +ultiman, perductus tristitiam. "Quaeso," inquam, "domina, certe +embasicoetan iusseras dari." Complosit illa tenerius manus et "O" +inquit "homincm acutum atque urbanitatis vernaculae fontem. Quid? tu +non intellexeras cinaedum embasicoetan vocari?" Deinde ut +contubernali meo melius succederet, "Per fidem" inquam "vestram, +Ascyltos in hoc triclinio solus ferias aglt?" "Ita" inquit Quartilla +"et Ascylto embasicoetas detur." Ab hoc voce equum cinaedus mutavit +transituque ad comitem meum facto clunibus eutn basiisque distrivit. +Stabat inter haec Giton et risu disolvebat ilia sua. Itaque +conspicata eum Quartilla, cuius esset puer, diligentissima +sciscitatione quaesivit. Cum ego fratrem meum esse dixissem, "Quare +ergo" inquit "me non basiavit?" Vocatumque ad se in osculum +applicuit. Mox manum etiam demisit in sinum et pertrectato vasculo +tam rudi "Haec" inquit "belle cras in promulside libidinis nostrae +militabit: hodie enim post asellum diari non sumo." With that Psyche +came tittering to her, and having whispered I know not what in her +ear, Thou art in the right, quoth Quartilla, 'twas well thought on; +and since we have so fine an opportunity, why should not our Pannychis +lose her maidenhead? And forthwith was brought in a pretty young +girl, that seem'd not to be above seven years of age, and was the same +that first came into our room with Quartilla: All approv'd it with a +general clap, ard next desiring it, a wedding was struck up between +the boy and her. For my part I stood amaz'd, and assur'd them, that +neither Gito, a bashful lad, was able for the drudgery, nor the girl +of years to receive it. "Ita," inquit Quartilla, "minor eat ista quam +ego fui, quum primum virum passa sum? Iunonem meam iratam habeam, si +umquam me meminerim virginem fuisse. Nam et infans cum paribus +inclinata sum, et subinde procedentibus annis maioribus me pueris +applicui, donec ad hanc aetatem perveni. Hinc etiam puto proverbium +natum illud, ut dicatur posse taurum tollere, qui vitulum sustulerit." + +Least therefore my comrade might run a greater hazard, I got up to the +wedding. + +And now Psyche put a flame-colour veil on the girl's head; the pathick +led before with a flamboe, and a long train of drunken women, fell a +shouting, and drest up the bride-chamber; Quartilla, all a-gog as the +rest, took hold of Gito and dragg'd him in with her: But truly the boy +made no resistance; nor seem'd the girl frighted at the name of +matrimony. When therefore they were lockt up, we sat without, before +the threshold of the chamber; and Quartilla having waggishly slit a +chink thro' the door, as wantonly laid an ape's eye to it; nor content +with that, pluck't me also to see that childs play, and when we were +not peeping, would turn her lips to me, and steal a kiss. + +The jade's fulsomeness had so tir'd me that I began to devise which +was to get off. I told Ascyltos my mind, and he was well pleased with +it, for he was a willing to get rid of his torment, Psyche: Nor was it +hard to be done, if Gito had not been lockt up in the chamber; for we +were resolved to take him with us, and not leave him the mercy of a +bawdy-house. While we were contriving how to effect it, it so +happened that Pannychis fell out of bed, and drew Gito after her, +without any hurt, though the girl got a small knock in the fall, and +therewith made such a cry, that Quartilla, all in a fright, ran +headlong in, and gave us the opportunity of getting off, and taking +the boy with us; when without more ado, we flew to our inn, and +getting to bed, past the rest of the night without fear. + +But going out the next day, whom should we meet but two of those +fellows that robb'd us of the mantle, which Ascyltos perceiving, he +briskly attack'd one of them, and having disarm'd and desperately +wounded him, came in to my relief; who was pressing upon the other, +but he behav'd himself so well, that he wounded us both, altho' but +slightly, and got off himself without so much as a scratch. + +And now came the third day, that is the expectation of an +entertainment at Trimalchio's, where every one might speak what he +would: But having received some wounds, we thought flight might be of +more use to us than sitting still: We got to our inn therefore, as +fast as we could, and our wounds not being great, cured them as we lay +in bed, with wine and oyl. + +But the rogue whom Ascyltos had hewn down, lay in the street, and we +were in fear of being discovered, while therefore we were pensively +considering which way to avoid the impending storm, a servant of +Agamemnon's interrupted our fears: "And do not ye know," said he, +"with whom we eat to-day? Trimalchio, a trim finical humorist has a +clock in his dining-room, and one on purpose to let him know how many +minutes of his life he had lost." We therefore drest our selves +carefully, and Gito willingly taking upon him the part of a servant, +as he had hither to done, we bade him put our things together, and +follow us to the bath. + +Being in the mean time got ready, we walk'd we knew not where, or +rather, having a mind to divert us, struck into a tennis-court, where +we saw an old bald-pated fellow in a carnation-colour'd coat, playing +at ball with a company of boys, nor was it so much the boys, tho' it +was worth our while, that engaged us to be lookers on as the master of +the house himself in pumps, who altogether tossed the ball, and never +struck it after it once came to the ground, but had a servant by him, +with a bag full of them, ard enough for all that play'd. + +We observed also some new things; for in the gallery stood two +eunuchs, one of whom held a silver chamber-pot, the other counted the +balls, not those they kept tossing, but such as fell to the ground. +While we admir'd the humour, one Menelaus came up to us, and told us +we were come where we must set up for the night, and we had seen the +beginning of our entertainment. As he was yet talking, Trimalchio +snapp'd his fingers, at which sign the eunuch held the chamber-pot to +him as he was playing; then calling for water, he dipped the tips of +his fingers in it, and dry'd them on the boys head. 'Twould be too +long to recount every thing: We went into the hot-house, and having +sweated a little, into the cold bath; and while Trimalchio was +anointed from head to foot with a liquid perfume, and rubb'd clean +again, not with linnen but with finest flannen, his three chyrurgeons +ply'd the muscadine, but brawling over their cups; Trimalchio said it +was his turn to drink; then wrapt in a scarlet mantle, he was laid on +a litter born by six servants, with four lacqueys in rich liveries +running before him, and by his side a sedan, in which was carried his +darling, a stale bleer-eyed catamite, more ill-favoured than his +master Trimalchio; who at they went on, kept close to his ear with a +flagellet as if he had whispered him, and made him musick all the way. +Wondering, we followed, and, with Agamemnon, came to the gate, on +which hung a tablet with this inscription: + +WHAT EVER SERVANT GOES FORTH WITHOUT HIS MASTER'S COMMAND, HE SHALL +RECEIVE AN HUNDRED STRIPES. + +In the porch stood the porter in a green livery, girt about with a +cherry-coloured girdle, garbling of pease in a silver charger; and +over head hung a golden cage with a magpye in it, which gave us an All +Hail as we entred: But while I was gaping at these things, I had like +to have broken my neck backward, for on the left hand, not far from +the porter's lodge, there was a great dog in a chain painted on the +wall, and over him written in capital letters, BEWARE THE DOG. My +companions could not forbear laughing; bur I recollecting my spirits, +pursued my design of going to the end of the wall; it was the draught +of a market-place where slaves were bought and sold with bills over +them: There was also Trimalchio with a white staff in his hand, and +Minerva with a train after her entring Rome: Then having learnt how to +cast accompt, he was made auditor; all exquisitely painted with their +proper titles; and at the end of the gallery Mercury lifting him by +the chin, and placing him on a judgment-seat. Fortune stood by him +with a cornucopia, and the three fatal sisters winding a golden +thread. + +I observed also in the same place a troop of light-horsemen, with +their commander exercising them, as also a large armory, in one of the +angles of which stood a shrine with the gods of the house in silver, a +marble statue of Venus, and a large golden box, in which it was said +he kept the first shavings of his beard. Then asking the servant that +had the charge of these things, what pictures those were in the +middle? The Iliads and the Odysses, said he, and on the left-hand two +spectacles of sword-playing. We could not bestow much time on it, for +by this time we were coming to the dining-room, in the entry of which +sate his steward, taking every one's account: But what I most admir'd, +were those bundles of rods, with their axes, that were fastned to the +sides of the door, and stood, as it were, on the brazen prow of a +ship, on which was written, + +TO CAIUS POMPEIUS TRIMALCHIO OF PRÆTORIAN DIGNITY; CINNAMUS THE +STEWARD. + +Under the same title also, hung a lamp of two lights from the roof of +the room, and two tablets on either side of the door; of which one, if +I well remember, had this inscription, + +THE THIRD AND SECOND OF THE KALENDS OF JANUARY, OUR PATRON CAIUS EATS +ABROAD. + +On the other was represented the course of the moon, and the seven +stars; and what days were lucky, what unlucky, with an emboss'd studd +to distinguish the one from the other. + +Full of this sensuality we were now entring the room, where one of his +boys, set there for that purpose, call'd aloud to us, "ADVANCE +ORDERLY." Nor is it to be doubted, but we were somewhat concern'd for +fear of breaking the orders of the place. But while we were footing +it accordingly, a servant stript off his livery, fell at our feet, and +besought us to save him a whipping; for he said his fault was no great +matter, but that some cloaths of the stewards had been stolen from him +in the bath, and all of them not worth eighteen-pence. + +We returned therefore in good order, and finding the steward in the +counting-house telling some gold, besought him to remit the servant's +punishment: When putting on an haughty face, "It is not," said he, +"the loss of the thing troubles me, but the negligence of a careless +rascal. He has lost me the garments I sate at table in, and which a +client of mine presented me on my birth-day: no man can deny them to +be right purple, tho' not double dye; yet whatever it be, I grant your +request." + +Having receiv'd so great a favour, as we were entring the dining-room, +the servant for whom we had been suitors, met us, and kissing us, who +stood wondring what the humour meant, over and over gave us thanks for +our civility; and in short told us we should know by and by, whom it +was we had oblig'd: The wine which our master keeps for his own +drinking, is the waiters kindness. + +At length we sate down, when a bigger and sprucer sort of boys coming +about us, some of them poured snow-water on our heads, and others +par'd the nails of our feet, with a mighty dexterity, and that not +silently, but singing as it were by the bye: I resolved to try if the +whole family sang; and therefore called for drink, which one of the +boys a readily brought me with an odd kind of tune; and the same did +every one as you asked for any thing: You'd have taken it for a Morris +dancers hall, not the table of a person of quality. + +Then came a sumptuous antepast; for we were all seated, but only +Trimalchio, for whom, after a new fashion, the chief place was +reserv'd. Besides that, as a part of the entertainment, there was set +by us a large vessel of metheglin, with a pannier, in the one part of +which were white olives, in the other black; two broad platters +covered the vessel, on the brims of which were engraven Trimalchio's +name, and the weight of the silver, with little bridges soldered +together, and on them dormice strew'd over with honey and poppy: There +were also piping-hot sausages on a silver gridiron, and under that +large damsons, with the kernels of pomegranats. + +In this condition were we when Trimalchio himself was waddled into the +consort; and being close bolster'd with neck-cloaths and pillows to +keep off the air, we could not forbear laughing unawares: For his bald +pate peep'd out of a scarlet mantle, and over the load of cloaths he +lay under, there hung an embroidered towel, with purple tassels and +fringes dingle dangle about it: He had also on the little finger of +his left hand, a large gilt ring, and on the outmost joint of the +finger next it, one lesser, which I took for all gold; but at last it +appeared to be jointed together with a kind of stars of steel. And +that we might see these were not all his bravery, he stripp'd his +right arm, on which he wore a golden bracelet, and an ivory circle, +bound together with a glittering locket and a meddal at the end of it: +Then picking his teeth with a silver pin, "I had not, my friends," +said he, "any inclination to have come among you so soon, but fearing +my absence might make you wait too long, I deny'd myself my own +satisfaction; however suffer me to make an end of my game": There +followed him a boy with an inlaid table and christal dice; and I took +notice of one thing more pleasant than the rest; for instead of black +and white counters, his were all silver and gold pieces of money. + +In the mean time while he was squandering his heap at play, and we +were yet picking a relish here and there, a cupboard was brought in +with a basket, in which was a hen carved in wood, her wings lying +round and hollow, as sitting on brood; when presently the consort +struck up, and two servants fell a searching the straw under her, and +taking out some peahens eggs, distributed them among the company: At +this Trimalchio changing countenance, "I commanded my friends," said +he "the hen to be set with peahens eggs; and so help me Hercules, am +afraid they may be half hatcht: however we'll try if they are yet +suppable." + +The thing we received was a kind of shell of at least six pounds +weight, made of paste, and moulded into the figure of an egg, which we +easily broke; and for my part, I was like to have thrown away my +share; for it seemed to me to have a chick in it; till hearing an old +guest of the tables saying, it was some good bit or other, I searched +further into it, and found a delicate fat wheatear in the middle of a +well-pepper'd yolk: On this Trimalchio stopped his play for a while, +and requiring the like for himself, proclaim'd, if any of us would +have any more metheglin, he was at liberty to take it; when of a +sudden the musick gave the sign, and the first course was scrabled +away by a company of singers and dancers; but in the rustle it +happening that a dish fell on the door, a boy took it up, and +Trimalchio taking notice of it, pluck'd him by the ears, and commanded +him to throw it down again; on which the groom of the chamber came +with a broom and swept away the silver dish, with whatsoever else had +fallen from the table. + +When presently came in two long-hair'd blacks, with small leather +bottles, such as with which they strew sand on the stage, and gave us +wine to wash our hands, but no one offered us water. We all admiring +the finicalness of the entertainment, "Mars," said he, "is a lover of +justice, and therefore let every one have a table to himself, for +having more elbow-room, these nasty stinking boys will be less +troublesome to us"; and thereupon large double-eared vessels of glass +close plaistered over, were brought up with labels about their necks, +upon which was this inscription: + +OPIMIAN MUSCADINE OF AN HUNDRED YEARS OLD. + +While we were reading the titles, Trimalchio clapped his hands, and +"Alas, alas," said he, "that wine should live longer than man! Wine +is life, and we'll try if it has held good ever since the consulship +of Lucius Opimius, or not. 'Tis right Opimian, and therefore make +ready; I brought not out so good yesterday, yet there were persons of +better quality sup'd with me." + +We drank and admired every thing, when in came a servant with a silver +puppet, so jointed and put together that it turned every way; and +being more than once thrown upon the table, cast it self into several +figures; on which Trimalchio came out with his poetry: + + Unhappy mortals, on how fine a thread + Our lives depend! How like this puppet man, + Shall we alas! be all when we are dead! + Therefore let's live merrily while we can. + +The applause we gave him, was followed with a service, but respecting +the place not so considerable as might have been expected: However, +the novelty of the thing drew every man's eye upon it; it was a large +charger, with the twelve signs round it; upon every one of which the +master cook had laid somewhat or other suitable to the sign. Upon +Aries, chick-pease, (a pulse not unlike a ram's head); upon Taurus a +piece of beef; upon Gemini a pair of pendulums and kidneys; upon +Cancer a coronet; upon Leo an African figg; upon Virgo a well-grown +boy; upon Libra a pair of scales, in one of which was a tart, in the +other a custard; upon Scorpio a pilchard; upon Sagittary a grey-hound; +upon Capricorn a lobster; upon Aquarius a goose; upon Pisces two +mullets; and in the middle a plat of herbs, cut out like a green turf, +and over them a honey-comb. During this, a lesser black carry'd about +bread in a silver oven, and with a hideous voice, forced a bawdy song +from a buffoon that stunk like assa fœtida. + +When Trimalchio perceived we look'd somewhat awkwardly on such course +fare, "Come, come," said he, "fall to and eat, this is the custom of +the place." + +Nor had he sooner said it, than the fourth consort struck up; at which +the waiters fell a dancing, and took off the upper part of the +charger, under which was a dish of cramm'd fowl, and the hinder paps +of a sow that had farrowed but a day before, well powdered, and the +middle a hare, stuck in with finns of fish in his side, that he look'd +like a flying horse; and on the sides of the fish four little images, +that spouted a relishing sauce on some fish that lay near them, all of +them brought from the river Euripus. + +We also seconded the shout begun by the family, and fell merrily +aboard this; and Trimalchio no less pleas'd than our selves, cryed +"Cut"; at which the musick sounding again, the carver humour'd it, and +cut up the meat with such antick postures, you'd have thought him a +carman fighting to an organ. + +Nevertheless Trimalchio in a lower note, cryed out again "Cut:" I +hearing the word so often repeated, suspecting there might be some +joke in it, was not ashamed to ask him that sate next above me, what +it meant? And he that had been often present at the like, "You see," +said he, "him that carves about, his name is cutter; and as often as +he says 'Cut,' he both calls and commands." + +The humour spoiled my stomach for eating; but turning to him that I +might learn more, I made some pleasant discourse to him at a distance; +and at last asked him what that woman was that so often scutled up and +down the room. + +"It is," said he, "Trimalchio's wife, her name Fortunata, she measures +money by the bushel; but what was she not long since? Pardon me sir, +you would not have touch'd her with a pair of tongs, but now, no one +knows how, or wherefore she's got into heaven; and is Trimalchio's all +in all: In short, if she says it is mid-night at mid-day, he'll +believe her. He's so very wealthy, he knows not what he has; but she +has an eye every where; and when you least think to meet her: She's +void of all good counsel, and withal of all ill tongue; a very pye at +his bolster; whom she loves she loves; and whom she does not love, she +does not love. + +"Then for Trimalchio, he has more lands than a crow can fly over; +monies upon monies: There lies more silver in his porters lodge, than +any one man's whole estate. And for his family, hey-day, hey-day, +there is not (so help me Hercules) one tenth of them that know their +master. In brief, there is not one of those fools about him, but he +can turn him into a cabbage-stalk. Nor is there any occasion to buy +any thing, he has all at his own door; wooll, marte, pepper, nay hens +milk; do but beat about and you'll find it. In a word, time was, his +wooll was none of the best, and therefore he bought rams at Tarentum +to mend this breed; an in like manner he did by his honey, by bringing +his bees from Athens. It is not long since but he sent to the Indies +for mushroom-seed: Nor has he so much as a mule that did not come of a +wild ass. See you all these quilts? there is not one of them whose +wadding is not the finest comb'd wooll of violet or scarlet colour, +dy'd in grain. O happy man! but have a care how you put a slight on +those freed men, they are rich rogues: See you him that sits at the +lower-end of the table, he has now the Lord knows what; and 'tis not +long since he was not worth a groat, and carried billets and faggots +at his back; it is said, but I know nothing of it myself, but as I +have heard, either he got in with an old hog-grubbler, or had to do +with an incubus, and found a treasure: For my part, I envy no man, (if +God gives anything it is a bit of a blow, and wills no evil to himself +) he lately set up this proclamation: + + "C. POMPEIUS DIOGENES HAS SOME LODGINGS + TO LET, FOR HE HATH BOUGHT A HOUSE." + +"But what think you of him who sits in the place of a late slave? how +well was he once? I do not upbraid him: He was once worth a hundred +thousand sesterstias, but has not now a hair of his head that is not +engaged; nor, so help me Hercules, is it his own fault: There is not a +better humour'd man than himself; but those rascally freed-men have +cheated him of all: For know, when the pot boyls, and a man's estate +declines, farewell friends. And what trade do you think he drove? He +had the setting forth of grave men's funerals; and with that eat like +a prince: He had his wild boars served up covered; pastry-meats, +fowl-cooks, bakers: More wine was thrown under his table than most men +have in their cellars; a meer phantasm: And when his estate was going, +and he feared his creditors might fall upon him, he made an auction +under this title: + + "JULIUS PROCULUS WILL MAKE AN AUCTION + OF SEVERAL GOODS HE HAS NO USE OF." + +The dish was by this time taken away, and the guests grown merry with +wine, began to talk of what was done abroad, when Trimalchio broke the +discourse; and leaning on his elbow, "This wine," said he, "is worth +drinking, and fish must swim; but do you think I am satisfied with +that part of your supper you saw in the charger? Is Ulysses no better +known? what then; we ought to exercise our brains as well as our +chaps; and shew, that we are not only lovers of learning, but +understand it: Peace rest my old tutor's bones who made me a man +amongst men: No man can tell me any thing that is new to me; for, like +him, I am master of the practicks. + +"This heaven, that's inhabited by twelve gods, turns it self into as +many figures; and now 'tis Aries: He that's born under that sign has +much cattle, much wooll, and to that a jolt-head, a brazen-face, and +will be certainly a cuckold: There are many scholars, advocates, and +horned beasts, come into the world under this sign. We praised our +nativity-caster's pleasantness, and he went on then again: The whole +Heaven is Taurus, and wonder it e'er bore foot-ball-players, +herds-men, and such as can shift for themselves. Under Gemini are +foaled coach-horses, oxen calved, great baubles, and such as can claw +both sides are born. I was born my self under Cancer, and therefore +stand on many feet, as having large possessions both by sea and land. +For Cancer suits one as well as the other, and therefore I put nothing +upon him, that I might not press my own geniture. Under Leo, +spendthrifts and bullies: under Virgo, women, runagates, and such as +wear iron garters: under Libra, butchers, slipslop-makers, and men of +business: under Scorpio, empoisoners and cut-throats: under Sagittary, +such as are goggle-ey'd, herb-women, and bacon-stealers: under +Capricorn, poor helpless rascals, to whom yet Nature intended horns to +defend themselves: under Aquarius, cooks and paunch-bellies: under +Pisces, caterers and orators: And so the world goes round like a mill, +and is never without its mischief; that men be either born or perish. +But for that tuft of herbs in the middle, and the honey-comb upon it, +I do nothing without just reason for it: Our mother the earth is in +the middle, made round like an egg, and has all good things in her +self, like a honeycomb." + +"Most learnedly," we all cry'd; and lifting our hands, swore, neither +Hipparebus nor Aratus were to be compared to him, till at last other +servants came in and spread coverlets on the beds, on which were +painted nets, men in ambush with hunting-poles, and whatever +appertained to hunting: Nor could we yet tell what to make of it: when +we heard a great cry without, and a pack of beagles came and ran round +the table, and after them a large trey, on which was a boar of the +first magnitude, with a cap on his head, (such as slaves at their +making free, had set on theirs in token of liberties) on his tusks +hung two wicker baskets, the one full of dates, the other of almonds; +and about him lay little pigs of marchpane, as if they were sucking: +They signified a sow had farrowed, and hang there as presents for the +guests to carry away with them. + +To the cutting up this boar, here came not he that had carried about +the fowl as before, but a swinging fellow with a two-handed beard, +buskins on his leggs, and a short embroidered coat; who drawing his +wood-knife, made a large hole in the boar's side, out of which flew a +company of blackbirds: Then fowlers stood ready with their engines and +caught them in a trice as they fluttered about the room: On which +Trimalchio ordering to every man his bird, "See," said he, "what kind +of acorns this wild boar fed on:" When presently the boys took off the +baskets and distributed the dates and almonds among the guests. + +In the mean time, I, who had private thoughts of my own, was much +concerned, to know why the boar was brought in with a cap upon his +head; and therefore having run out my tittle-tattle, I told my +interpreter what troubled me: To which he answered, "Your boy can even +tell ye what it means, for there's no riddle in it, but all as clear +as day. This boar stood the last of yester-nights supper, and +dismiss'd by the guests, returns now as a free-man among us." I curst +my dulness, and asked him no more questions, that I might not be +thought to have never eaten before with men of sense. + +While we were yet talking, in came a handsome boy with a wreath of +vine leaves and ivy about his head; declaring himself one while +Bromius, another while Lyccus, and another Euphyus (several names of +Bacchus) he carried about a server of grapes, and with a clear voice, +repeated some of his master's poetry, at which Trimalchio turning to +him, "Dionysius," said he, "be thou Liber," (i.e.) free, (two other +names of Bacchus) whereupon the boy took the cap from off the boar's +head, and putting it on his own, Trimalchio added, "You will not deny +me but I have a father, Liber." We all praised the conceit, and +soundly kissed the boy as he went round us. + +From this up rose Trimalchio, and went to the close-stool; we also +being at liberty, without a tyrant over us fell to some table-talk. + +When presently one calling for a bumper, "The day," said he, "is +nothing, 'tis night e're the scene turn, and therefore nothing is +better than to go straight from bed to board. We have had a great +deal of frost, the bagnio has scarce heated me; but a warm drinking is +my wardrobe-keeper: For my part, I have spun this days thread; the +wine is got into my noddle, and I am down-right--" + +Selucus went on with the rest, "And I," said he, "do not bathe every +day, for he where I use to bathe is a fuller: Cold water has teeth in +it, and my head grows every day more washy than others, but when I +have got my dose in my guts, I bid defiance to cold: Nor could I well +do it to day, for I was at a funeral, a jolly companion, and a good +man was he, Crysanthus has breathed his last: 'Tis not long since we +were together, and methinks I talk with him now. Alas, alas! we are +but blown bladders, less than flies, yet they have somewhat in them: +But we are meer bubbles. You'll say he would not be rul'd; not a drop +of water, or crumb of bread went down his throat in five days: And yet +he's gone, or that he died of the doctor. But I am of opinion his +time was come; for a physician is a great comfort. However, he was +well carried out of his house upon a rich bed, and mightily lamented, +he made some of his servants free; but his wife seem'd not much +concerned for him. You'll say again he was not kind to her; but women +are a kind of kites; whatever good is done them, 'tis the same as if +it were thrown in a well; and old love is as bad as a goal." + +At this Philaos grew troublesome, and cryed out, "Let us remember the +living: He had what was due to him; as he liv'd so he dy'd; and what +has he now that any man moans the want of it? He came from nothing, +and to his dying-day would have taken a farthing from a dunghil with +his teeth; therefore as he grew up, he grew like a honey-comb. He +dy'd worth the Lord knows what, all ready money. But to the matter; I +have eaten a dog's tongue and dare speak truth: He had a foul mouth, +was all babble; a very make-bate, not a man. His brother was a brave +fellow, a friend to his friends, of an open hand, and kept a full +table: He did not order his affairs so well at first as he might have +done; but the first vintage made him up again; for he sold what wine +he would; and what kept up his chin was the expectation of a +reversion; the credit of which brought him more than was left him; for +his brother taking a pelt at him, devised the estate to I know not +whose bastard: He flies far that flies his relations. Besides, this +brother of his had whisperers about him, that were back-friends to the +other: but he shall never do right that is quick of belief, especially +in matter of business; and yet 'tis true, he'll be counted wise while +he lives, to whom the thing whatever it be is given, nor he that ought +to have had it. He was without doubt, one of fortune's sons; lead in +his hand would turn to gold, and without trouble too, where there are +not rubbs in the way. And how many years think ye he liv'd? +Seventy-odd: but he was as hard as horn, bore his age well, and as +black as a crow. + +"I knew him some years ago an oilman, and to his last a good womans +man; but withal such a miser, that (so help me Hercules) I think he +left not a dogg in his house. He was also a great whore-master, and a +jack of all trades; nor do I condemn him for't, for this was the only +secret he kept to himself and carry'd with him." + +Thus Phileros and Gammedes, as followeth: "Ye talk of what concerns +neither Heaven nor Earth, when in the mean time no man regards what +makes all victuals so scarce: I could not (so help me Hercules) get a +mouthful of bread to day: and how? The drought continues: For my +part, I have not fill'd my belly this twelve-month: A plague on these +clerks of the market, the baker and they juggle together; take no +notice of me, I'll take no notice of thee; which make the poorer sort +labour for nothing, while those greater jaw-bones make festival every +day. Oh that we had those lyons I now find here, when I first came +out of Asia, that had been to live: The inner part of Sicily had the +like of them, but they so handled the goblins, even Jupiter bore them +no good-will. I remember Safinius, when I was a boy, he liv'd by the +old arch; you'd have taken him for pepper-corn rather than a man; +where-ever he went the earth parched under him; yet he was honest at +bottom; one might depend on him; a friend to his friend, and whom you +might boldly trust in the dark. But how did he behave himself on the +bench? He toss'd every one like a ball; made no starch'd speeches, +but downright, as he were, doing himself what he would persuade +others: But in the market his noise was like a trumpet, without +sweating or spueing. I fancy he had somewhat, I know not what, of the +Asian humour: then so ready to return a salute, and call every one by +his name, as if he had been one of us. In his time corn was as common +as loam; you might have bought more bread for half a farthing, than +any two could eat; but now the eye of an ox will cost you twice as +much: Alas! alas! we are every day worse and worse, and grow like a +cows tail, downward: And why all this? We have a clerk of the market +not worth three figgs, and values more the getting of a doit himself, +than any of our lives: 'Tis this makes him laugh in his sleeve; for he +gets more money in a day than many an honest man's whole estate: I +know not how he got the estate he has; but if we had any thing of men +about us, he would not hug himself as he does, but now the people are +grown to this pass, that they are lyons at home, and foxes abroad: For +my part, I have eaten up my cloaths already, and if corn holds at the +rate it does, I shall be forc'd to sell house and all: For what will +become of us, if neither gods nor men pity us? Let me never enjoy my +friends more, than I believe all this comes from Heaven; for no one +thinks there is any such thing; no one keeps a fast, or value Jupiter +a hair, but shuts his eyes and reckons what he is worth. Time was, +when matrons went bare-foot with dishevel'd hair, pure minds, and +pray'd him to send rain, and forthwith it rained pitcher-fulls, or +then or never, and every one was pleased: Now the gods are no better +than mice; as they tread, their feet are wrapt in wooll; and because +ye are not superstitious your lands yield nothing." + +"More civilly, I beseech ye," said Echion the hundred-constable; "it +is one while this way, and another while that, said the country-man +when he lost his speckled hogg: What is not to day may be to morrow; +and thus is life hurried about, so help me Hercules, a country is said +not to be the better that it has many people in it, tho' ours at +present labours under that difficulty, but it is no fault of hers: We +must not be so nice, Heaven is equally distant every where; were you +in another place you'd say hoggs walked here ready dress'd: And now I +think on't, we shall have an excellent show these holy-days, a +fencing-prize exhibited to the people; not of slaves bought for that +purpose, but most of them freemen. Our patron Titus has a large soul, +but a very devil in his drink, and cares not a straw which side gets +the better: I think I should know him, for I belong to him; he's of a +right breed both by father and mother, no mongril. They are well +provided with weapons, and will fight it out to the last: the theatre +will look like a butchers shambles, and he has where-withal to do it; +his father left him a vast sum, and let him make ducks and drakes with +it never so much, the Estate will bear it, and he always carries the +reputation of it. He has his waggon horses, a woman-carter, and +Glyco's steward, who was taken a-bed with his mistress; what a busle's +here between cuckolds and cuckold-makers! But this Glyco a +money-broker, condemned his steward to fight with beasts; and what was +that but to expose himself for another? where lay the servant's crime, +who perhaps was oblig'd to do what he did: She rather deserv'd to be +brain'd, than the bull that tossed her; but he that cannot come at the +arse, thrashes at the pack-saddle: yet how could Glyco expect +Hermogine's daughter should make a good end? She'd have pared the +claws of a flying kite; a snake does not bring forth a halter: Glyco +might do what he would with his own; but it will be a brand on him as +long as he lives; nor can any thing but Hell blot it out; however, +every man's faults are his own. I perceive now what entertainment +Mammea is like to give us; he'll be at twopence charges for me and my +company; which if he does, he will pull Narbanus clean out of favour; +for you must know, he'll live at the full height; yet in truth what +good has he done us? He gave us a company of gittiful sword-players, +but so old and decrepid, that had you blown on them, they'd have +fallen of themselves: I have seen many a better at a funeral pile; he +would not be at the charge of lamps for them; you'd have taken them +for dunghil cocks fighting in the dark; one was a downright fool, and +withal gouty; another crump-footed, and a third half dead, and +hamstrung: There was one of them a Thracian, that made a figure, and +kept up to the rule of fighting; but upon the whole matter, all of +them were parted, and nothing came of this great block-headed rabble, +but a downright running away: And yet, said he, I made ye a show, and +I clap my hands for company; but cast up the account, I gave more than +I received; one hand rubs another. You Agamemnon seem to tell me what +would that trouble some fellow be at; because you that can speak, and +do not, you are not of our form, and therefore ridicule what poor men +say; tho', saving the repute of a scholar, we know you are but a meer +fool. Where lies the matter then? let me persuade you to take a walk +in the country, and see our cottage, you'll find somewhat to eat; a +chicken, some eggs, or the like: The tempestuous season had like to +have broke us all, yet we'll get enough to fill the belly. Your +scholar, my boy Cicero, is mightily improved, and if he lives, you'll +have a servant of him; he is pretty forward already, and whatever +spare time he has, never off a book: He's a witty lad, well-featur'd, +takes a thing without much study, tho' yet he be sickly: I killed +three of his linnets the other day, and told him the weasels had eaten +them; yet he found other things to play with, and has a pretty knack +at painting: He has a perfect aversion to Greek, but seems better +inclined to Latin; tho' the master he has now humours him in the +other; nor can he be kept to one thing, but is still craving more, and +will not take pains with any. There is also another of this sort, not +much troubled with learning, but very diligent, and teaches more than +he knows himself: He comes to our house on holidays, and whatever you +give him he's contented; I therefore bought the boy some ruled books, +because I will have him get a smattering in accounts and the law; it +will be his own another day: He has learning enough already, but if he +takes back to it again, I design him for a trade, a barber, a parson, +or a lawyer, which nothing but the devil can take from him: How oft +have I told him, Thou art (Sirrah) my first begotten, and believe thy +father, whatever thou learnest 'tis all thy own: See there Philero the +lawyer, if he had not been a scholar he might have starved; but now +see what trinkums he has about his neck, and dares nose Narbanus. +Letters are a treasure, and a trade never dies." + +Thus, or the like, we were bandying it about when Trimalchio return'd, +and having wip'd the slops from his face, wash'd his hands, and in a +very little time, "Pardon me, my friends," said he, "I have been +costive for several days, and my physicians were to seek about it, +when a suppository of pomegranate wine, with the liquor of a pine-tree +and vinegar relieved me; and now I hope my belly may be ashamed if it +keep no better order; for otherwise I have such a rumbling in my guts, +you'd think an ox bellowed; and therefore if any of you has a mind, he +need not blush for the matter; there's not one of us born without some +defect or other, and I think no torment greater than wanting the +benefit of going to stool, which is the only thing even Jupiter +himself cannot prevent: And do you laugh, Fortunata, you that break me +so often of my sleep by nights; I never denyed any man do that in my +room might pleasure himself, and physicians will not allow us to keep +any thing in our bodies longer than we needs must; or if ye have any +farther occasion, every thing is ready in the next room: Water, +chamber-pots, close-stools, or whatever else ye may need; believe me, +this being hard-bound, if it get into the head, disturbs the whole +body; I have known many a man lost by it, when they have been so +modest to themselves as not to tell what they ailed." + +We thank'd him for his freeness, and the liberty he gave us, when yet +to suppress our laughter, we set the glasses about again; nor did we +yet know that in the midst of such dainties we were, as they say, to +clamber another hill; for the cloth being again taken away, upon the +next musick were brought in three fat hogs with collars and bells +about their necks; and he that had the charge of them told us, the one +was two years old, the other three, and the third full grown. I took +it at first to have been a company of tumblers, and that the hogs, as +the manner is, were to have shewn us some tricks in a ring, till +Trimalchio breaking my expectation, "Which of them," said he, "will ye +have for supper? for cocks, pheasants, and the like trifles are but +country fare, but my cooks have coppers will boil a calf whole;" and +therewith commanding a cook to be called for, he prevented our choice +by ordering him to kill the largest, and with a loud voice, asked him, +Of what rank of servants in that house he was? to which he answering, +of the fortieth: "Were you bought," said the other, "or born in my +house?" "Neither," said the cook, "but left you by Pansa's +testament." "See then," said Trimalchio, "that you dress it as it +should be, or I'll send you to the galleys." On which the cook, +advertised of his power, went into the kitchin to mind his charge. + +But Trimalchio turning to us with a pleasanter look, asked if the wine +pleased us, "If not," said he, "I'll have it changed, and if it does, +let me see it by your drinking: I thank the gods I do not buy it, but +have everything that may get an appetite growing on my own grounds +without the city, which no man that I know but my self has; and yet it +has been taken for Tarracino and Taranto. I have a project to joyn +Sicily to my lands on the continent, that when I have a mind to go +into Africa, I may sail by my own coasts. But prithee Agamemnon tell +me what moot-point was it you argued to day; for tho' I plead no +causes my self, yet I have had a share of letters in my time; and that +you may not think me sick of them now, have three libraries, the one +Greek, the other two Latin; therefore as you love me tell me what was +the state of the question:" "The poor and the rich are enemies," said +Agamemnon: "And what is poor," answered Trimalchio? "Spoke like a +gentleman," replyed Agamemnon. But making nothing of the matter, "If +it be so," said Trimalchio, "where lies the dispute? And if it be not +so, 'tis nothing." + +While we all humm'd this and the like stuff, "I beseech ye," said he, +"my dear Agamemnon, do you remember the twelve labours of Hercules, or +the story of Ulysses, how a Cyclop put his thumb out of joint with a +mawkin? I read such things in Homer when I was a boy; nay, saw my +self the Sybil of Curna hanging in a glass bottle: And when the boys +asked her, 'Sybil, what wouldst thou?' She answered, 'I would die.'" + +He had not yet run to the end of the rope, when an over-grown hog was +brought to the table. We all wondered at the quickness of the thing, +and swore a capon could not be dress'd in the time; and that the more, +because the hog seemed larger than was the boar, we had a little +before: When Trimalchio looking more intent upon him, "What, what," +said he, "are not his guts taken out? No, (so help me Hercules) they +are not! Bring hither, bring hither this rogue of a cook." And when +he stood hanging his head before us, and said, he was so much in haste +he forgot it. "How, forgot it," cry'd out Trimalchio! "Do ye think +he has given it no reasoning of pepper and cummin? Strip him:" When +in a trice 'twas done, and himself set between two tormentors: +However, we all interceded for him, as a fault that might now and then +happen, and therefore beg'd his pardon; but if he ever did the like, +there was no one would speak for him; tho' for my part, I think he +deserved what he got: And so turning to Agamemnon's ear, "This +fellow," said I, "must be a naughty knave; could any one forget to +bowel a hog? I would not (so help me Hercules) have forgiven him if +he had served me so with a single fish." But Trimalchio it seems, had +somewhat else in his head; for falling a laughing, "You," said he, +"that have so short a memory, let's see if you can do it now." On +which, the cook having gotten his coat again, took up a knife, and +with a feigned trembling, ripp'd up the hog's belly long and thwart, +when immediately its own weight tumbled out a heap of hogs-puddings +and sausages. + +After this, as it had been done of it self, the family gave a shout, +and cry'd out, "Health and prosperity to Caius!" The cook also was +presented with wine, a silver coronet, and a drinking goblet, on a +broad Corinthian plate: which Agamemnon more narrowly viewing; "I am," +said Trimalchio, ''the only person that has the true Corinthian +vessels." + +I expected, that according to the rest of his haughtiness, he would +have told us they had been brought him from Corinth: But he better: +"And perhaps," said he, "you'll ask me why I am the only person that +have them. And why, but the copper-smith from whom I buy them, is +called Corinthus? And what is Corinthian but what is made by +Corinthus? But that ye may not take me for a man of no sence, I +understand well enough whence the word first came. When Troy was +taken, Hannibal, a cunning fellow, but withal mischievous, made a pile +of all the brazen, gold and silver statues, and burnt them together, +and thence came this mixt metal; which workmen afterwards carried off; +and of this mass made platters, dishes, and several other things; so +that these vessels are neither this nor that metal, but made of all of +them. Pardon me what I say; however others may be of another mind, I +had rather have glass ware; and if it: were not so subject to +breaking, I'd reckon it before gold; but now it is of no esteem. + +"There was a copper-smith that made glass vessels of that pliant +harness, that they were no more to be broken than gold and silver +ones: It so happened, that having made a drinking-pot, with a wide +mouth of that kind, but the finest glass, fit for no man, as he +thought, less than Cæsar himself; he went with his present to +Cæsar, and had admittance: The kind of the gift was praised, the +hand of the workman commended, and the design of the giver accepted. +He again, that he might turn the admiration of the beholders into +astonishment, and work himself the more into the Emperor's favour, +pray'd the glass out of the Emperor's hand; and having received it, +threw it with such a force against the paved floor, that the most +solid and firmest metal could not but have received some hurt thereby. +Cæsar also was no less amazed at it, than concerned for it; but the +other took up the pot from the ground, not broken but bulg'd a little; +as if the substance of metal had put on the likeness of a glass; and +therewith taking a hammer out of his pocket, he hammer'd it as it had +been a brass kettle, and beat out the bruise: And now the fellow +thought himself in Heaven, in having, as he fansied, gotten the +acquaintance of Cæsar, and the admiration of all: But it fell out +quite contrary: Cæsar asking him if any one knew how to make this +malleable glass but himself? And he answering, there was not, the +Emperor commanded his head to be struck off: 'For,' said he, 'if this +art were once known, gold and silver will be of no more esteem than +dirt.' + +"And for silver, I more than ordinarily affect it: I have several +water-pots more or less, whereon is the story how Cassandra killed her +son's, and the dead boys are so well embossed, you'd think them real. +I have also a drinking cup left me by an advocate of mine, where +Dædalus puts Niobe into the Trojan horse, as also that other of +Hermerotes; that they may stand as a testimony, there's truth in cups, +and all this massy; ror will I part with what I understand of them at +any rate." + +While he was thus talking, a cup dropt out of a boy's hand; on which, +Trimalchio looking over his shoulder at him, bad him begone, and kill +himself immediately; "for," said he, "thou art careless and mind'st +not what thou art about." The boy hung his lip, and besought him; but +he said, "What! dost thou beseech me, as if I required some difficult +matter of thee? I only bid thee obtain this of thy self, that thou be +not careless again." But at last he discharged him upon our entreaty. +On this the boy run round the table and cry'd, "Water without doors, +and wine within." We all took the jest, but more especially +Agamemnon, who knew on what account himself had been brought thither. + +Trimalchio in the mean time hearing himself commended, drank all the +merrier, and being within an ace of quite out, "Will none of you," +said he, "invite my Fortunata to dance? Believe me, there's no one +leads a country dance better:" And with that, tossing his hands round +his head, fell to act a jack-pudding; the family all the while +singing, 'youth it self, most exactly youth it self ;' and he had +gotten into the middle of the room, but that Fortunata whispered him, +and I believe told him, such gambols did not become his gravity. Nor +was there any thing more uneven to it self; for one while he turned to +his Fortunata, and another while to his natural inclination: But what +disturbed the pleasure of her dancing, was his notaries coming in; +who, as they had been the acts of a common council, read aloud: + +'VII. of the Calends of August born in Trimalchio's manner of cumanum, +thirty boys and forty girls, brought from the threshing-floor into the +granary, five hundred thousand bushels of wheat. The same day broke +out a fire in a pleasure-garden that was Pompey's, first began in one +of his bayliffs houses.' + +"How's this," said Trimalchio: "When were those gardens bought for +me?" "The year before," answered his notary, "and therefore not yet +brought to account." + +At this Trimalchio fell into a fume; and "whatever lands," said he, +"shall be bought me hereafter, if I hear nothing of it in six months, +let them never, I charge ye, be brought to any account of mine." Then +also were read the orders of the clerks of the markets, and the +testaments of his woodwards, rangers, and park-keepers, by which they +disinherited their relations, and with ample praise of him, declare +Trimalchio their heir. Next that, the names of his bayliffs; and how +one of them that made his circuits in the country, turned off his wife +for having taken her in bed with a barber; the door-keeper of his +baths turn'd out of his place; the auditor found short in his +accounts, and the dispute between the grooms of his chamber ended. + +At last came in the dancers on the rope, and a gorbelly'd blockhead +standing out with a ladder, commanded his boy to hopp every round +singing, and dance a jigg on the top of it, and then tumble through +burning hoops of iron, with a glass in his mouth. Trimalchio was the +only person that admir'd it, but withal said, he did not like it; but +there were two things he could willingly behold, and they were the +flyers on the high rope, and quails; and that all other creatures and +shows were meer gewgaws: "For," said he, "I bought once a sett of +stroulers, and chose rather to make them merry-andrews than comedians; +and commanded my bag-piper to sing in Latin to them." + +While he was chattering all at this rate, a boy chanced to stumble +upon him, on which the family gave a shriek, the same also did the +guests; not for such a beast of a man, whose neck they could willingly +have seen broken, but for fear the supper should break up ill, and +they be forc'd to wail the death of the boy. + +Whatever it were, Trimalchio gave a deep groan; and leaning upon his +arm as if it had been hurt, the physicians ran thick about him, and +with the first, Fortunata, her hair about her ears, a bottle of wine +in her hand, still howling, miserable unfortunate woman that she was! +Undone, undone. The boy on the other hand, ran under our feet, and +beseeched us to procure him a discharge: But I was much concern'd, +lest our interposition might make an ill end of the matter; for the +cook that had forgotten to bowel the hog was still in my thoughts. I +began therefore to look about the room, for fear somewhat or other +might drop through the ceiling; while the servant that had bound up +his arm in white, not scarlet-colour flannen, was soundly beaten: Now +was I much out, for instead of another course, came in an order of +Trimalchio's by which he gave the boy his freedom; that it might not +be said, so honourable a person had been hurt by his slave. We all +commended the action, but chatted among our selves with what little +consideration the things of this world were done. "You're in the +right," said Trimalchio; "nor ought this accident to pass without +booking;" and so calling for the journal, commanded it to be entered; +and with, as little thought, tumbled out these verses: + + "What's least expected falls into our dish, + And fortune's more indulgent than our wish: + Therefore, boy, fill the generous wine about." + +This epigram gave occasion to talk of the poets, and Marsus, the +Trachian, carry'd the bays a long while: till Trimalchio (turning to +some wit amongst them) "I beseech ye, master of mine," said he, "tell +me what difference take ye between Cicero the orator, and Publius the +poet? for my part I think one was more eloquent, the other the +honester man; for what could be said better than this." + + "Now sinking Rome grows weak with luxury, + To please her appetite cram'd peacocks die: + Their gaudy plumes a modish dress supply. + + For her the guinnea hen and capon's drest: + The stork it self for Rome's luxurious taste, + Must in a caldron build its humbl'd nest. + + That foreign, friendly, pious, long-leg'd thing, + Grateful, that with shrill sounding notes dost sing + All winter's gone; yet ushers in the spring. + Why in one ring must three rich pearls be worn, + But that your wives th' exhausted seas adorn, + Abroad t' increase their lust, at home their scorn? + + Why is the costly emerald so desir'd, + Or richer glittering carbuncle admir'd, + Because they sparkle, is't with that you're fir'd? + Well, honesty's a jewel. Now none knows + A modest bride from a kept whore by 'er cloaths; + For cobweb lawns both spouse and wench expose." + +"But, now we talk after the rate of the learned, which," said he, "are +the most difficult trades? I think a physician and a banker: a +physician, because he know's a man's very heart, and when the fits of +an ague will return; tho' by the way, I hate them mortally; for by +their good will I should have nothing but slubber-slops: And a banker, +because he'll find out a piece of brass money, tho' plated with +silver. + +"There are also brute beasts, sheep and oxen, laborious in their kind: +Oxen, to whom we are beholding for the bread we eat; and sheep, for +the wooll, that makes us so fine. But O horrid! we both eat the +mutton, and make us warm with the fleece. I take the bees for divine +creatures; they give us honey, tho' 'tis said they stole it from +Jupiter, and that's the reason why they sting: For where-ever ye meet +any thing that's sweet you'll ever find a sting at the end of it." + +He also excluded philosophers from business, while the memoirs of the +family were carrying round the table, and a boy, set for that purpose, +read aloud the names of the presents, appointed for the guests, to +carry home with them. Wicked silver, what can it not? Then a gammon +of bacon was set on the table, and above that several sharp sauces, a +night-cap for himself, pudding-pies, and I know not what kind of +birds: There was also brought in a rundlet of wine, boiled off a third +part, and kept under ground to preserve its strength: There were also +several other things I can give no account of; besides apples, +scallions, peaches, a whip, a knife, and what had been sent him; as +sparrows, a flye-flap, raisons, Attick honey, night-gowns, judges +robes, dry'd paste, table-books, with a pipe and a foot-stool: After +which came in an hare and a sole-fish: And there was further sent him +a lamprey, a water-rat, with a frog at his tail, and a bundle of +beets. + +Long time we smiled at these, and five hundred the like, that have now +slipt my memory: But now when Ascyltos, who could not moderate +hirnself, held up his hands and laught at every thing; nay so +downright, that he was ready to cry: A free-man of Trimalchio's that +sate next above me, grew hot upon't; and "What," said he, "thou sheep, +what dost thou laugh at? does not this sumptuousness of my master +please you? you're richer (forsooth) and eat better every day; so may +the guardian of this place favour me, as had I sate near him, I'd hit +him a box on the ear ere this: A hopeful cullion, that mocks others; +some pitiful night-walker, not worth the very urine he makes; and +should I throw mine on him, knows not where to dry himself. I am not +(so help me Hercules) quickly angry, yet worms are bred even in tender +flesh. He laughs! what has he to laugh at? what wooll did his father +give for the bantling? Is he a Roman knight? I am the son of a king. +How came I then, you'll say, to serve another? I did it of my self, +and had rather be a citizen of Rome, than a tributary king, and now +hope to live so, as to be no man's jeast. I walk like other men, with +an open face, and can shew my head among the best, for I owe no man a +groat; I never had an action brought against me, or said to me on the +exchange, Pay me what thou owest me. I bought some acres in the +country, and have everything suitable to it: I feed twenty mouths, +besides dogs: I ransomed my bond-woman, lest another should wipe his +hands on her smock; and between our selves, she cost me more than I'll +tell ye at present. I was made a captain of horse gratis, and hope so +to die, that I shall have no occasion to blush in my grave: But art +thou so prying into others, that thou never considerest thy self? +Canst thou spy a louse on another man's coat, and not see the tyck on +thy own? Your master then is ancienter than your self, and 't please +him; but yet thou, whose milk is not yet out of thy nose; that can'st +not say boh to a goose; must you be making observations? Are you the +wealthier man? If you are, dine twice, and sup twice; for my part, I +value my credit more than treasures: Upon the whole matter, where's +the man that ever dunn'd me twice? Thou pipkin of a man, more limber, +but nothing better than a strap of wet leather, I have served forty +years in this house, came into it with my hair full grown; this palace +was not then built, yet I made it my business to please my master, a +person of honour, the parings of whose nails are more worth than thy +whole body. I met several rubs in my way, but by the help of my good +angel, I broke through them all: This is truth; it is as easie to make +a hunting-horn of a sow's tail, as to get into this company. What +make ye in a dump now, like a goat at a heap of stones?" + +On this Gito, who stood behind him, burst out a laughing; which the +other taking notice of, fell upon the boy; and, "Do you," said he, +"laugh too, you curl-pated chattering magpye? O the Saturnals! Why +how now, sirrah! is it the month of December? When were you twenty, I +pray? What would this collop dropt from the gibbet, this crows-meat, +be at? I'll find some or other way for Jupiter to plague thee, and +him that bred thee no better, or never let me eat a good meals-meat +again: I could, sirrah, but for the companies sake, I spare thee; tho' +either we understand not aright, or they are sots themselves that +carry no better a hand over thee; for without doubt it is true, like +master like man. I am hot by nature, and can scarce contain my self; +give me but a mess of peaseporridge, and I care not two-pence for my +mother. Very well, I shall meet thee abroad, thou mouse; nay, rather +mole-hill. May I never thrive more, but I'll drive that master of +thine into a blade of rue; nor shalt thou (so help me Hercules) 'scape +me, tho' thou couldst call in Jupiter to thy aid: I shall off with +those locks, and take thee when that trifling master of thine shall be +out of the way; thou wilt certainly fall into my hands, and either I +know not my self, or I'll make thee leave that buffoonry: Tho' thy +beard were of gold, I'll have thee bruised in a mortar, and him that +first taught thee: I never studied geometry, criticism, and meer words +without sence, but I understand the fitting of stones for buildings; +can run you over a hundred things, as to metal, weight, coin, and that +to a tittle; if you have a mind you and I will try it between us: I'll +lay thee a wager, thou wizard, and tho' I am wholly ignorant of +rhetorick, thou'lt presently see thou hast lost: Let no one run about +the bush to me; I come up to him: Resolve me, I say, 'which of us +runs, yet stirs not out of his place: which of us grows bigger, and +yet is less.' Do you scamper? Can't you tell what to make of it, that +you look so like a mouse in a trap? Therefore either hold thy tongue, +or don't provoke a better man than thy self, who does not think thee +fram'd of nature, unless thou fansiest me taken with those yellow +curl'd locks, which thou hast already vowed to some whore or other. O +lucky opportunity! Come, let's walk the exchange, and see which of us +can take up money: You'll be satisfied then, this iron has credit +upon't; a pretty thing, is it not! a drunken fox. So may I gain while +I live, and die well; but the people will brain me if I follow not +that coat on thy back, which is not for thy wearing, where-ever thou +goest: He's a precious tool too, whoever he were, that taught thee; a +piece of green cheese, no master. I have learn'd as well as another +man, and my master said it would be my own another day. Save your +worship! get home as fast as you can, but look well about you, and +have a care how you speak irreverently of your betters, or vie estates +with them; he that does it, his purse shall feel it: For my self, that +you see me as I am, I thank my stars for the art I have." + +Ascyltos was making answer to his railing; when Trimalchio, pleased +with that good grace of speaking, "Go to," said he, "no more of this +wild talk, let us rather be pleasant: And you Hermeros, bear with the +young-man, his blood boils; be thou the soberer man; he that is +overcome in this matter, goes off conqueror: Even thy self, when thou +wert such another capon, hadst nothing but coco, coco, and no heart at +all. Let us therefore, which is the better of the two, be heartily +merry, and expect some admirers of Homer, that will be here +presently." + +Nor were the words scarce out of his mouth, when in came a band of +men, and made a rustling with their spears and targets. Trimalchio +leaned on his pillow, the Homerists ratled out Greek verses, as, +arrogantly enough, they were wont to do, and he read a Latin book with +a loud voice: whereupon silence being made, "Know ye," said he, "what +fable they were upon? + +"Diomedes and Ganymede were two brothers, and Helen was their sister; +Agamemnon stole him away, and shamm'd Diana with a hind in his room, +as says Homer in this place; and how the Trojans and the Parentines +fought among themselves; but at last he got the better of it, and +married his daughter Iphigenia to Achilles; on which Ajax run mad. +And there's an end of the tale." + +On this the Homerists set up a shout, and a young boiled heifer with +an helmet on her head, was handed in upon a mighty charger: Ajax +followed, and with a drawn sword, as if he were mad, made at it, now +in one place, then in another, still acting a Morris-dancer; till +having cut it into joints, he took them upon the point of his sword, +and distributed them. Nor had we much time to admire the conceit; for +of a sudden the roof gave a crack, and the whole room shook: For my +part, I got on my feet, but all in confusion, for fear some tumbler +might drop on my head; the same also were the rest of the guests; +still gaping and expecting what new thing should come from the clouds: +when straight the main beams opened, and a vast circle was let down, +all round which hung golden garlands, and alabaster pots of sweet +ointments. + +While we were required to take up these presents, I chanced to cast an +eye upon the table, where there lay a fresh service of cheese-cakes +and tarts, and in the midst of them a lusty rundlet, stuck round with +all sorts of apples and grapes, as they commonly draw that figure. + +We greedily reached our hands towards it, when of a sudden, a new +diversion gave us fresh mirth; for all the cheese-cakes, apples and +tarts, upon the least touch, threw out a delicious liquid perfurne, +which fell upon us. + +We judging the mess to be sacred, that was so gorgeously set out, +stood up and began a health to the august founder, the father of his +country: After which reverence, failing to catch that catch could, we +filled our napkins and I chiefly, who thought nothing too good for my +boy Gito. + +During this, in came three boys in white, their coats tuck'd about +them; of whom, two set on the table three household gods with broaches +about their necks, and the other bearing round us a goblet of wine, +cry'd aloud, "Be the gods favourable!" "The name of this," said he, +"is cobler, that other's good-luck, and the third's spend-all:" And as +the image of Trimalchio was carryed round, and every one kiss'd it, we +thought it a shame not to do as the rest of the company. + +After this, when all of us had wished him health and happiness, +Trimalchio, turning to Niceros, "You were wont," said he, "to be a +good companion, but what's the matter we get not a word from ye now? +Let me entreat ye, as you would see me happy, do not break an old +custom." + +Niceros, pleased with the frankness of his friend: "Let me never +thrive," said he, "if I am not ready to caper out of my skin, to see +you in so good a humours; therefore what I say shall be all mirth; +tho' I am afraid those grave fopps may laugh: but let them look to 't, +I'll go on nevertheless; for what am I the worse for any one swearing? +I had rather they laugh at what I say, than at my self." + +Thus when he spake---- ----he began this tale:-- + +"While I was yet a servant we liv'd in a narrow lane, now the house of +Gavilla: There, as the gods would have it, I fell in love with +Tarentius's wife; he kept an eating-house. Ye all knew Melissa +Tarentina, a pretty little punching-block, and withal beautiful; but +(so help me Hercules) I minded her not so much for the matter of the +point of that, as that she was good-humour'd; if I asked her any +thing, she never deny'd me; and what money I had, I trusted her with +it; nor did she ever fail me when I'd occasion. It so happened, that +a she-companion of hers had dy'd in the country, and she was gone +thither; how to come at her I could not tell; but a friend is seen at +a dead lift; it also happened my master was gone to Capua to dispatch +somewhat or other: I laid hold of the opportunity, and persuaded mine +host to take an evenings walk of four or five miles out of town, for +he was a stout fellow, and as bold as a devil: The moon shone as +bright as day, and about cock-crowing we fell in with a burying-place, +and certain monument of the dead: my man loitered behind me +a-star-gazing, and I sitting expecting him, fell a singing and +numbering them; when looking round me, what should I see but mine host +stript stark-naked, and his cloaths lying by the high-wayside. The +sight struck me every where, and I stood as if I had been dead; but he +piss'd round his cloaths, and of a sudden was turned to a wolf: Don't +think I jest; I value no man's estate at that rate, as to tell a lye. +But as I was saying, after he was turned to a wolf, he set up a howl, +and fled to the woods. At first I knew not where I was, till going to +take up his cloaths, I found them also turn'd to stone. Another man +would have dy'd for fear, but I drew my sword, and slaying all the +ghosts that came in my way, lighted at last on the place where my +mistress was: I entered the first door; my eyes were sunk in my head, +the sweat ran off me by more streams than one, and I was just +breathing my last, without thought of recovery; when my Melissa coming +up to me, began to wonder why I'd be walking so late; and 'if,' said +she, 'you had come a little sooner, you might have done us a kindness; +for a wolf came into the farm, and has made butchers work enough among +the cattle; but tho' he got off, he has no reason to laugh, for a +servant of ours ran him through the neck with a pitchfork.' As soon as +I heard her, I could not hold open my eyes any longer, and ran home by +daylight, like a vintner whose house had been robb'd: But coming by +the place where the cloaths were turned to stone, I saw nothing but a +puddle of blood; and when I got home, found mine host lying a-bed like +an oxe in his stall, and a chirurgeon dressing his neck. I understood +afterwards he was a fellow that could change his skin; but from that +day forward, could never eat a bit of bread with him, no, if you'd +have kill'd me. Let them that don't believe me, examine the truth of +it; may your good angels plague me as I tell ye a lye." + +The company were all wondring, when, "Saving what you have said," +quoth Trimalchio, "if there be faith in man, my hair stands on end, +because I know Niceros is no trifler; he's sure of what he says, and +not given to talking: Nay, I'll tell ye as horrible a thing my self; +but see there, what's that behind the hangings? + +"When I was yet a long-hair'd boy, for even then I liv'd a pleasant +life, I had a minion, and he dy'd: He was (so help me Hercules) a +pearl, a paragon, nay perfection it self: But when the poor mother +lamented him, and we also were doing the same, some witches got round +the house on a sudden, you'd have taken them for hounds hunting a +hare. We had then in the house a Cappadocian, a tall fellow, stout +and hardy, that would not have stept an inch out of his way for +Jupiter. He boldly drew his sword, and wrapping his coat about his +left arm, leaped out of the house, and as it might be here, (no hurt +to the thing I touch) ran a woman clean through. We heard a pitiful +groan, but not to lye, saw none of them. Our champion came in and +threw himself on a bed, but all black and blue, so he had been trosh'd +with flails; for it seems some ill hand had touched him. We shut the +door, and went on with our mourning; but the mother taking her son in +her arms, and stroaking him, found nothing but a bolster of straw; it +had neither heart, entrals, nor any thing, for the fairies belike had +stollen him out of his cradle, and left that of straw instead of him. +Give me credit, I beseech ye, women are craftier than we are, play +their tricks by night, and turn every thing topsy-turvy. After this +our tall fellow never came to his colour again, but in a few days died +raving-mad." + +We all wondred, as not doubting what he said, and kissing the table in +reverence to him, pray'd the privilege of the night, and that our +places might be kept till we returned. + +And now we thought the lamps look'd double, and the whole room seem'd +quite another thing, when Trimalchio again, "I speak to you Plorimus, +won't you come in for a share? Will ye entertain us with nothing, +thou usedst to be a pleasant companion, couldst sing a song and tell a +tale with the best; but alas! alas! the sweetmeats are gone." "My +horses," said the other, "ran away with my coach, I have been troubled +with the gout ever since. When I was a young fellow, I sung so long I +had well nigh brought my self into a consumption. What do ye tell me +of songs, tales, or barber shops? Who ever came near me but one, only +Apelles;" and with setting his hand to his mouth, whistled out +somewhat, I know not what, which afterwards he swore was Greek. +Trimalchio also when he mimicked the trumpets, looked on his minion +and called him Crœsus: Yet the boy was blear-eye'd, and swathing up +a little black bitch with nasty teeth, and over-grown with fat, in +green swadlingclouts, he set half a loaf on the table, which she +refusing, he cram'd her with it: on which Trimalchio commanded the +guardian of his house and family, Scylax, to be brought; when +presently was led in a beautiful mastiff in a chain, who having a hint +given him by a knock of the porter's foot, lay down before the table: +whereupon Trimalchio throwing him a manchet; "There's no one," said +he, "in this house of mine, loves me better than this dog." The boy +taking it in dudgeon that Scylax should be so commended, laid the +bitch on the floor, and challenged the dog to have a rubber with him. +On this Scylax, after the manner of dogs, set up such a hideous +barking, that it fill'd the room; and snapping at him, almost rent off +a brooch that hung on Crœsus's breast; nor did the scuffle end +here, for the great candle being overturn'd on the table, broke all +the chrystal glasses, and threw the scalding oil on the guests. + +Trimalchio, not to seem concerned at the loss, kissed the boy, and +commanded him to get on his back; nor was it long e're he was a +cock-horse, and slapping his masters shoulders, and laughing, cry'd +out, "Fool, fool, and how many of them have we here?" + +Trimalchio thus kept under for a while, commanded a bumper to be +fill'd and given round to the waiters, with this further, that +whosoever refused it should have it poured down his collar. Thus one +while we were grave, and other while merry. + +After this came junkets and made dishes, the very remembrance of +which, if I may be believed, will not yet down with me; for there were +several cram'd hens given about under the notion of thrushes, and +goose eggs with caps upon them; which Trimalchio, nor without +ostentation press'd us to eat; adding withal, that their bones were +taken out. + +Nor were the words scarce out of his mouth, when a beadle rapp'd at +the door, and one in white, with a company of roisters following him, +came in upon us: For my part I was not a little surprized; and by his +lordliness taking him for the Mayor of a town, and our selves within +his liberties, was getting upon my feet. Agamemnon laught to see me +so concerned, and bade me sit still; "for," said he, "this Habinas is +a captain of horse, a good mason, and has a special faculty in making +monuments." + +Recovered again with his words, I kept my seat, and wholly fix'd my +eye on Habinas: He came in drunk, and lolling on his wife's shoulders, +with some garlands about him, his face all trickling down with +ointment, he seated himself at the head of the table, and +incontinently called for wine and hot water. + +Trimalchio was pleased with the humour, and calling for a bigger +glass, asked him what entertainment he had whence he came? + +"Every thing," said the other, "but thy self; for my inclination was +here; tho' (so help me Hercules) it was all well. Scissa kept a +nine-days feast for his servant Miscellus, whom he infranchised after +he was dead: It is said he had a round sum in the chequer, for they +reckon he died worth 50,000 sesterces; yet this was all done in good +order; tho' every one of us were obliged to pour half his drink on the +grave." + +"But," said Trimalchio, "what had ye to eat?" "I'll tell ye," quoth +Habinas, "as near as I can, for my memory is not so good, but that +sometimes I forget my own name: However, for the first dish we had a +goodly porker, with a garland upon him, and puddings, goose giblets, +lamb-stones, sweetbreads, and gizzards round him; there were also +beets and houshold-bread of his own baking, for himself, which I would +rather have than white; it makes a man strong, and I never complain of +what I like. The next was a cold tart, with excellent warm honey, and +that Spanish, running upon it. I eat little of the tart, but more of +the honey; I tasted also the red pulse, and lupines, by the advice of +Calvus, and several apples, of which I took away two in my +handkerchief: for if I bring home nothing to my little she slave, I +shall have snubs enough: this dame of mine puts me often in mind of +her. We had also on a side-table the haunch of a bear, which +Scintilla tasting ere she was aware, had like to have thrown up her +guts: I on the other hand eat a pound of it or better, for methought +it tasted like boars flesh; and said I, if a bear eats a man, why may +not a man much more eat a bear? To be short, we had cream cheese, +wine boil'd off to a third part, fry'd snails, chitterlings, livers, +eggs, turneps, mustard, and a bowl that held a gallon. Don't disturb +me, Palamedes; there were also handled about a basket of sugar-cakes, +of which we wantonly took some, and sent away the gammon of bacon. +But tell me Caius, I beseech you, what's the matter that Fortunata +sits not among us?" "How came you to know her?" quoth Trimalchio; +"for till she has gotten her plate together, and distributed what we +leave among the servants, not a sip of any thing goes into her mouth." + +"But unless she sits down," replied Habinas, "I'll be gone"; and was +getting up, but that the word being four times given about for her, +she came at last in a greenish gown and a cherry-colour'd stomacher, +beneath which might be seen her petticoat and embroidered garters; +then wiping her hands on her neckcloth, she sate on that bed whereon +Scintilla the wife of Habinas was; and having given her a kiss, told +her it was in compliment to her that she was there. At length it came +to this, that she took off her weighty bracelets, and shewed them to +Scintilla, which she admiring, she also unbuckled her garters and a +net-work purse, which she said was of the finest gold. + +Trimalchio observed it, and commanding all to be laid before him, +"See," said he, "this womans finery, and what fools our wives make us; +they should be six pound and a half; yet I've another of Mercury's +making, that weighs ten": And that he might not be thought to tell a +lye, called for his gold scales, and commanded them to be weighed: Nor +had Scintilla more wit than t'other, for pulling a golden box out of +her bosom, which she called good luck, she took out of it two large +pearl pendants, giving them in like manner to Fortunata to view: +"See," quoth she, "what 'tis to have a kind husband, I am sure no +woman has better." "What," said Habinas, "hast thou put the sham on +me? thou toldst me thou couldst be contented with glass beads; and for +this trick, if I had a daughter I'd cut off her ears; tho' were there +no women what were the rest worth? This is to piss warm and drink +cold." + +Mean time the women perceiving they were toucht, twitter'd among +themselves, and being got drunk, fell to kissing one another; one +commended the mistress of the house, t'other the master: when during +this chatter, Habinas stealing behind Fortunata, gave her such a toss +on the bed, that her heels flew as high as her head, on which she gave +a squeak or two, and finding her thighs bare, ran her head under +Scintilla's smock. + +This held a while, till Trimalchio calling for a second service to +entertain his new guests, the servants took away the tables that were +before us, and having brought others, strew'd the room with pin-dust, +mixt with vermillion and saffron; and what I never saw before, the +dust of a looking-glass ground to powder. + +When immediately, quoth Trimalchio, "I could have been contented with +those first dishes; but since we have got other tables, we must also +have another service; and if there be any thing worth our having, +bring it." + +On which, a spruce boy that served us with warm water, began to +imitate a nightingale; till Trimalchio giving the word, a servant that +waited on Habinas, set up another humour, and, as I believe, commanded +by his master, nois'd out; + + "Mean time Æneas had put off to sea." + +Nor was there ever a harsher sound yet pierced my ears; for besides +his disordered country tone, his pitiful and starvling way of +delivery, he so stufft it with scraps of verses, that even Virgil then +first disrelished me; till at last so tyr'd, that he could hold no +longer; "D'ye think," said Habinas, "this boy has learn'd nothing? I +bred him with juglers that follow the fair: Nor has he his fellow, +whether he humours a muliteer or a jester. This never-be-good has +abundance of wit; he's a taylor, a cook, a baker, a jack of all +trades, and but for two faults, were exact to a hair: He's +crack-brain'd, and snores in his sleep: For that cast of his eye I +value it not, he looks like Venus, and therefore his tongue is ever +running; and were that eye out he were worth the money I gave for +him." + +On which Scintilla interrupting him, told him he was a naughty man, +for not telling all his servant's good qualities: "He's a pimp," said +he, "if not worse, but I'll take care he be branded for that." + +Trimalchio laught, and said he knew he was a Cappadocian that never +beguiled himself of any thing, and "(so help me Hercules) I commend +him for 't: when will you find such another, but Scintilla, you must +not be jealous! Believe me, and I know you too; may I so enjoy the +health you wish me, as I play'd at leap-frog so long with our boy, +that my master grew jealous, and sent me to dig in the country: But +hold thy tongue and I'll give thee a loaf." I marvel," said I, +"whether they be all mash'd together or made of loam; for in a +Saturnal at Rome, my self saw the like imaginary shew of a supper." + +Nor had I scarce said it, when--quoth Trimalchio, "Let me so grow in +estate, not bulk, as my cook made all of this out of one hog; there is +not an excellenter fellow than himself; he shall, if he please, make +ye a poll of ling of a sows tripe; a wood-culver of fat bacon; a +turtle of a spring of pork; and a hen of a collar of brawn; and +therefore of my own fancy, I gave him a name proper to him, for he is +called Dædalus: And because he understands his business, I had +chopping-knives of the best steel brought him from Rome"; and with +that, calling for them, he turn'd them over, and admiring them, +offered us the liberty of trying their edge on his cheek. + +On this came in two servants as quarrelling about their collars, at +which each of them had a large earthen pot hanging; and when +Trimalchio determined the matter between them, neither of them stood +to his sentence, but fell to club-law, and broke each others pots. + +This drunken presumption put us out of order; yet casting an eye on +the combatants, we saw oisters and scallops running from the pots, and +another boy receiving them in a charger, which he carried round the +guests. + +Nor was the cook's ingenuity short of the rest, for he brought us a +dish of grill'd snails on a silver gridiron, and with a shrill +unpleasant voice, sang as he went. I am asham'd of what follow'd; +for, what was never heard of till then, the boys came in with a bason +of liquid perfumes, and first binding our legs, ancles and feet, with +garlands, anointed them with it, and put the rest into the wine vessel +and the lamps. + +And now Fortunata began to dance, and Scintilla's hands went faster +than her tongue; when, quoth Trimalchio, "Sit down Philargyrus; I give +ye leave, and you Carrio, because you are a green-ribbon-man, and you +Minophilus bid your comrade do the like"; what shall I say more? The +family so crowded upon us, that we were almost thrust off our beds; +and who should be seated above me, but the cook who had made a goose +of a hog, all stinking of pickle and kitchen-stuff; nor yet content +that he sate amongst us, he fell immediately to personate Thespis the +tragedian, and dare his master to a wager which of them two should win +the prize next wrestling. + +Trimalchio abash'd at the challenge; "My friends," said he, "even +servants are men; and however oppress'd by ill luck, sucked the same +milk our selves did; and for mine, it shall not be long e're I make +them free without prejudice to my self: to be short, I enfranchise all +of them by my last will and testament. + +"I give Philargus a country farm, and his she-comrade; to Carrio an +island, with a twentieth part of my moveables, a bed and its +furniture; for I make Fortunata my heiress, whom I recommend to all my +friends, and publish what I have done, to the end my family may so +love me now, as if I were dead." + +All thanked their master for his kindness; and he, as having forgotten +trifles, called for a copy of his will, which he read from one end to +the other, the family all the while sighing and sobbing; afterwards +turning to Habinas, "Tell me, my best of friends," said he, "do you go +on with my monument as I directed ye, I earnestly entreat ye, that at +the feet of my statue you carve me my little bitch, as also garlands +and ointments, and all the battles I have been in, that by your +kindness I may live when I am dead: Be sure too that it have an +hundred feet as it fronts the highway, and as it looks towards the +fields two hundred: I will also, that there be all sorts of fruit and +vines round my ashes, and that in great abundance: For it is a gross +mistake to furnish houses for the living, and take no care of those we +are to abide in for ever: And therefore in the first place, I will +have it engraven-- + +'LET NO HEIR OF MINE PRETEND TO THIS MONUMENT.' + +"And that I may receive no injury after I am dead, I'll have a codicil +annext to my will, whereby I'll appoint one of my freed-men the keeper +of this monument, that the people make not a house-of-office of it. +Make me also, I beseech you, on this my monument, ships under full +sail, and my self in my robes sitting on the bench, with five gold +rings on my fingers, and scattering moneys among the common people; +for you know I have ordered ye a funeral feast, and two-pence a-piece +in money. You shall also, if you think fit, shape me some of these +beds we now sit on, and all the people making their court to me. On +my right hand place my Fortunata's statue, with a dove in one hand, +and leading a little dog in her girdle with the other: As also my +Cicero, and large wine vessels close cork'd that the wine don't run +out, and yet carve one of them as broken, and a boy weeping over it; +as also a sun-dial in the middle, that whoever comes to see +what's-a-clock, may read my name whether he will or no. And lastly, +have a special consideration whether you think this epitaph sufficient +enough: + +'HERE RESTS CAIUS POMPEIUS TRIMALCHIO, PATRON OF THE LEARNED. A TROOP +OF HORSE WAS DECREED HIM, WITHOUT SUING FOR, AND MIGHT HAVE BEEN A +SENATOR WOULD HE HAVE ACCEPTED IT. A PIOUS MAN, HONEST, VALIANT, AND +TRUE TO HIS FRIEND. HE RAISED HIMSELF FROM LITTLE OR NOTHING, BUT +LEFT BEHIND HIM A PRODIGIOUS ESTATE, YET NEVER HEARD A PHILOSOPHER. +FAREWELL TO YOU ALSO.'" + +This said, Trimalchio wept plentifully, Fortunata wept, Habinas wept, +and the whole family set up a cry as it had been his funeral; nay, I +also whin'd for company: when, quoth Trimalchio, "Since you know we +must die, why don't we live while we may? so let me live my self to +see you happy; as, if we plunge our selves in the bath we shall not +repent it: At my peril be it; I'll lead the way, for this room is +grown as hot as an oven." "Say you so," quoth Habinas, "nor am I +afraid to make two days of one"; and therewith got up barefoot and +follow'd Trimalchio. + +I on the other hand turning to Ascyltos, asked him what he thought of +it, for "if I but see the bath I shall swoon away." + +"Let's lagg behind then," said he, "and whilst they are getting in, +we'll slip off in the crowd." + +The contrivance pleased us; and so Gito leading the way through the +portico, we came to the last gate, where a chained dog bolted upon us +so furiously, that Ascyltos fell into the fishpond. I, who had been +frighted at the painted dog, and now gotten as drunk as Ascyltos, +while I endeavoured to get hold of him, fell in my self; at last the +porter's coming in saved us, for he quieted the dog and drew us out; +but Gito, like a sharp rascal, delivered himself, for whatever had +been given him at supper to carry home with him, he threw it the dog, +and that mollified him. + +But, when shivering with cold, we desired the porter to let us out: +"You're mistaken," said he, "if ye think to go out the same way ye +came in, for no guest ere yet did; they came in at one gate and are +let out by another." + +In this sad pickle, what should we do? we found ourselves in a new +kind of labyrinth, and for bathing, we'd enough of it already: +However, necessity enforcing us, we pray'd him to show us the way to +the bath: and Gito having hung out our cloaths a drying in the porch, +we entred the bath, which was somewhat narrow, and sunk in the earth, +not unlike a rainwater cistern; in this stood Trimalchio stark-naked: +Nor could we avoid his filthy tricks; for he said, nothing was better +than to bathe in a crowd; and that every place had in times past been +a grinding-house. Being weary at length, he sate down, and provok'd +by the noisiness of the bath, set up his drunken throat, and fell a +murdering some songs of Menecrates, as they that understood him told +us. + +Other guests ran round the cistern with their arms across, and made a +clamorous slap with their mouths; others either try'd to take up a +ring from the pavement, with their hands bound behind them, or putting +one knee to the ground, to kiss their great toes backward. + +While they thus entertained one another, we went into the hot-house +that had been heated for Trimalchio; and being now recovered of our +drunkenness, were brought into another room, where Fortunata had set +out a fresh entertainment. Above the lamps I observed some women's +gewgaws. The tables were massy silver, the earthen ware double gilt, +and a conduit running with wine; when, quoth Trimalchio, "This day, my +friends, a servant of mine opened a barber's shop; he's well to pass, +a thrifty fellow, and a favourite of mine: Come, let the floor have a +drink as well as our selves; and for our part, we'll sit to it till +day-light." + +While he was yet speaking, a cock crow'd, at which Trimalchio grew +disordered, and commanded the wine to be thrown under table, and +sprinkle the larnps with it; then changing a ring to his right hand, +"it is not for nothing," said he, "this trumpeter has given us notice; +for either the house should be on fire, or one of the neighbourhood +will kill himself: Far from us be it, and therefore, whoever brings me +this discoverer I'll give him a reward." + +When immediately a cock was brought in, and Trimalchio, commanding to +have him drest he was torn in pieces by that exquisite cook, who a +little before had make us fish and fowl of a hog, and put in a +stew-pan, and while Dædalus was taking a lusty draught, Fortunata +ground pepper. + +After which Trimalchio taking some of the banquet, bid the waiters go +to supper, and let others supply their places. + +Whereupon came in another rank of servants, and as the former going +cry'd out, "Farewell, Caius," those coming in cry'd out, "Sit thou +merry, Caius." + +And here our mirth first began to be disturb'd; for a beautiful boy +coming in among those new servants, Trimalchio plucked the boy to him, +and did nothing but kiss him over and over: Whereupon Fortunata to +maintain her right, began to rail at Trimalchio, called him pitiful +fellow, one that could not bridle his lust, shame and dishonour to an +honest woman, and a very dog. Trimalchio on the other hand, all +confounded and vex'd at her taunts, threw a goblet at her head: She +fell a roaring as if she had lost an eye, and clapt both her hands +before it. + +Scintilla also stood amazed, and covered Fortunata all trembling as +she was, in her bosom; the boy also put a cold pitcher to her cheek, +on which she leaned and made a lamentable wailing and blubbing. + +But Trimalchio quite contrary; "for," said he, "what am I the better +for this graceless buttock? 'Tis well known I took her out of a +bawdy-house, and made her an honest woman, but now blown up like a +frog she bespatters herself; a very block, no woman: But this poor boy +born in a hovel, never dreams of palaces. May my good genius so +befriend me, as I'll bring down this seeming saint, but in her actions +a whore rampant: As inconsiderable as she makes me, I might have had a +wife with two hundred and fifty pistols; you know I don't lye; but she +was somewhat in years, and Agatho the sweet oilman, persuaded me not +to let my name run out, when instead of doing good to her, I have put +a thorn in my own foot: but I'll have a care that she dig me not out +of my grave with her nails: And that she may know what I'll do at +present, I will not, Habinas, have you put her statue in my monument, +that I have no words with her when I am dead: Nay, that she may know I +am able to plague her, she shall not so much as kiss me when I die." +After this ratling, Habinas entreated him to give over his anger; +"There's none of us all," said he, "but some time or other does amiss; +we are but men, not gods." Weeping Scintilla said the same, called +him Caius, and by his own good nature, besought him to be pacified. + +Trimalchio not able to hold tears any longer, "I beg of you, Habinas," +said he, "and as you wish to enjoy what you have gotten, if I have +done any thing without cause, spit in my face: I kiss'd the boy 'tis +true, not for his beauty, but that he's a hopeful thrifty lad: He has +several sentences by heart, can read a book at first sight; saves +money out of his days provision; has a binn of his own to keep it, and +two drinking cups; and does he not deserve to be in my eye? but +Fortunata, forsooth, will not have it so; your bandy legs won't away +with it. Be content with your own, thou she-kite, and don't disquiet +me, thou harlotry, or otherwise thou'lt find what I am; thou knowest +well enough, if I once set on't, 'tis immoveable. But we'll remember +the living. + +"Come, my friends, let's see how merry ye can be, for in my time I +have been no better than your selves, but by my own industry I am what +I am: 'Tis the heart makes a man, all the rest is but stuff. I buy +cheap and sell dear; another man may sell ye other things, but I enjoy +my self; and thou dunghillraker, are thou yet gruntling, I'll make ye +hereafter do it for somewhat. + +"But as I was saying my frugality brought the fortune I have: I came +out of Asia no taller than this candlestick, and daily measured my +self by it: and that I might get a beard the sooner, rubb'd my lips +with the candle-grease; yet I kept Ganymede to my master fourteen +years (nor is any thing dishonourable that the master commands) and +the same time contented my mistress: Ye know what I mean, I'll say no +more, for I am no boaster. By this means, as the gods would have it, +the governing the house was committed to me, and nothing was done but +by my guidance: What need many words? He made me joint-heir with +Cæsar, and I had by it a Senator's estate; but no man thinks he has +enough, and I had a mighty desire to turn merchant. Not to detain you +longer; I built five ships, freighted them with wines, which at that +time were as dear as gold, and sent them to Rome; you'll think I +desir'd to have it so: All my ships founder'd at sea; 'tis a great +truth, no story; Neptune swallowed me in one day three hundred +thousand sesterties. Do ye think I broke upon 't, (so help me +Hercules) no; the loss was but a flea-bite: For, as if there had been +no such thing, I built others, larger, better, and more fortunate than +the former; so that every one called me a man of courage. As you know +a great ship carries a great deal of force, I loaded them again with +wine, bacon, beans, unguents, planes: And here Fortunata shewed her +affection; for she sold what she had; nay, her very cloaths, and put a +round sum in my pocket; tho' yet it was but a pig of my own sow. What +the gods will is quickly done; I got an hundred thousand sesterties by +the voyage, and forthwith redeemed the lands my patron had left me, +built me a house, bought cattle to sell them again, and whatever I +went about gathered like a snow-ball: But when I grew richer than all +the country besides, I took up; and from a merchant turn'd usurer, and +bought servants. + +"Thus resolved to give over trading, a certain astrologer that chanc'd +to light on this village, would have persuaded me to the contrary. He +was a Græcian, his name Sœrapa, one that held correspondence +with the gods. He told me a deal that I had forgotten, and laid +everything before me from top to bottom: He knew all I had within me, +and told me what I had the night before to supper; you'd have thought +he had liv'd with me all his life. + +"I beseech you, Habinas, for I think you was there; he told me the +intrigue between my mistress and me; that I had but ill luck at +friends; that no one ever made me a return of my kindnesses: That I +had large possessions, but nourished a viper in my bosom: Why should I +not tell you all? I have by his account, thirty years, four months, +and two days yet to live; and in a short time shall have another +estate left me. + +"Thus my fortune-teller. But if I can join my lands here to those in +Apulia, I shall do well enough: in the mean, and while Mercury is my +guardian, I have built this house: it was once you know, a pitiful +cabin, but now as magnificent as a temple: it has four dining rooms, +twenty bed-chambers two marble porticoes, a gallery above stairs, my +own apartment, another for this viper; a very good porter's lodge, and +the house capable of receiving a thousand guests: To be short, when +ever Scaurus comes this way, he had rather lodge here than at his own +house, tho' it lie to the seaward: and many other conveniences it has, +which I'll shew you by and by. Believe me, he that has a penny in his +purse, is worth a penny: Have and you shall be esteemed. And so your +friend, once no better than a frog, is now a king. + +"And now Stichus bring me the furniture in which I design to be +carried to my funeral pile; bring also the unguent, and some of that +pot, which I ordered for the cleansing my bones." + +Stichus lingered not, but brought in a white coverlet, and robe of +state, and pray'd us to try if they were not fine wooll, and well +woven. "And see you Stichus," said Trimalchio smiling, "that neither +mice nor moths come at them, for if they do I'll burn you alive. I +will be brought out in pomp, that all the people may speak well of +me." + +With that opening a glass bottle of spicknard, he caused us all to be +anointed; and "I hope," said he, "it will do as much good when I am +dead, as it does while I am living": Then commanding the wine vessels +to be filled again; "Fausie," said he, "you are invited to my funeral +feast." We by this time nauseated, were ready to vomit; Trimalchio +also was gotten confoundedly drunk, when behold, a new interlude; he +called for the coronets to come in; and, underset with pillows, and +stretching himself at length on the bed, "suppose me," said he, "now +dead, say somewhat, I beseech you, in praise of me." + +Whereupon the coronets sounded as it had been at a funeral; but one +above the rest, a servant of that freed-man of Trimalchio's, that was +best condition'd of 'em all, made such a thundring, that it rais'd the +neighbourhood: On which the watch thinking the house was on fire, +broke open the gate, and making an uproar after their manner, ran in +with water and hatchets: When finding so fair an opportunity, we gave +Agamemnon the slip, and scamper'd off, as if it had been a real fire. + + + +PART TWO + + +Not a star appear'd to direct us in our way, nor would the dead of the +night give us hopes of meeting a stranger that could; with these, the +wine we had drank, and our ignorance of the place, even in the day +time, conspir'd to mis-direct us. When we had wander'd almost an +hour, with our feet all bloody, over sharp pebbles and broken hills of +gravel, Gito's diligence at last deliver'd us: for the day before, +fearing we might be at a loss, tho' we had the sun to our help, he had +providently mark'd every post and pillar with a chalk, the greatest +darkness was not able to obscure, by whose shineing whiteness we found +our way. But we had as many fears after we got to an inn; for the +hostess, having drank a little too long with her guests, had so +intirely lost her senses, a burning could not have made her feel; that +perhaps, we had been forc'd to have taken up our lodging in the +street, if a letter-carrier that belong'd to Trimalchio, with ten +carriages of his master's revenue, had not come in the mean time; who +without much ado beat down the door, and let us in at the same gap. + +After we enter'd the bed-chamber, having plentifully feasted; prest by +impatient nature, I took my Gito aside; and wrapt in pleasures, spent +the night. + + Who can the charms of that blest night declare, + How soft ye gods! our warm embraces were? + We hugg'd, we cling'd, and thro' each other's lips, + Our souls, like meeting streams, together mixt; + Farewell the world, and all its pageantry! + When I, a mortal! so begin to dye. + +'Tis without reason I hug myself; Ascyltos, omnis iniuriae inventor, +subduxit mihi nocte puerum et in lectum transtulit suum, volutatusque +liberius cum fratre non suo, sive non sentiente iniuriam sive +dissimulante, indormivit alienis amplexibus oblitus iuris humani. +Itaque ego ut experrectus pertrectavi gaudio despoliatum torum. Si +qua est amantibus fides, ego dubitavi, an utrumque traicerem gladio +somnumque morti iungerem. Tutius dein secutus consilium Gitona quidem +verberibus excitavi, and looking as sternly as I cou'd upon Ascyltos, +thus address'd my self: "Since you've play'd the villain by your +treachery, and breaking the common laws of friendship, pack up your +matters quickly, and find another comrade to abuse." + +Ascyltos consented; and, after we had made an exact division of our +booty; "Now," says he, "let's share the boy too": I believ'd it a jest +at parting, but, he with a murderous resolution, drew his sword; "nor +shall you," added he, "think to ingross this prize, which should, like +the rest, be common to us both. I must have my share, or with this +sword will be content to take it." Upon which, on the other side, +having twisted my gown under my arm, I made advances to ingage. + +The unhappy boy rush'd between, and kissing both our knees, with +tears, entreated that we would not expose our selves in a pitiful +alehouse, nor with our blood pollute the rites of so dear a +friendship: but, raising his voice, says he, "if there must be murder, +behold my naked bosom, hither direct your fury: 'Tis I deserve death, +who violated the sacred laws of friendship." + +Upon which we sheath'd our swords; and first Ascyltos, "I'll," says +he, "end the difference: Let the boy himself follow the man he likes, +that, in chusing a friend, at least, he may have an unquestion'd +liberty." + +I, that presum'd so long an acquaintance, had made no slight +impressions on his nature, was so far from fearing, that with an eager +haste I accepted the proffer, and to the judge committed the dispute: +Gito, that he might not seem to consider, at my consent jump'd up, and +chose Ascyltos. + +I, like one thunderstruck, at the sentence, void of defence, fell upon +the bed, and had not surviv'd the loss, if envy of my rival had not +stopp'd my sword. + +Ascyltos, proud of the conquest, goes off with the prize, leaving me +expos'd in a strange place, that before he caress'd as a friend and +sharer of his fortune: + + 'Tis in the world, as in a game of chess; + We serve our friends but where our profit is. + When fortune smiles, we're yours, and yours alone; + But when she frowns, the servile herd are gone. + So, in a play, they act with mimick art, + Father, or son, or griping miser's part: + But when at last the comic scenes are o'er, + They quit the visards they assum'd before. + +Nor did I there very long complain, for fearing one Menelaus, an usher +of a school, might, among other misfortunes, find me alone in the inn, +I made up my wallet, and, very pensive, took me a lodging in a private +place near the sea: there, after I had been mewd up for three days, +reflecting afresh on my despis'd and abject condition, I beat my +breast, as sick as it was; and, when my deep sighs would suffer me, +often cry'd out; "Why has not the earth burst open, and swallow'd me? +Why has not the sea o'erwhelm'd me that respects not even the innocent +themselves? Have I been a murderer? when I had violated Lycas's wife, +have I fled justice? have I escap'd even when I was condemn'd to dye, +to live in a strange place, to have my name recorded only among +beggars and vagabonds? and who condemn'd me to this solitude?--A boy! +One who is a prostitute to all manner of lust; and by his own +confession deserves to dye; whom vice has enobl'd from a slave; who +was publickly contracted with as a girl, by one that knew he was of +the other sex: and what a wretch is that other, ye gods! whom, when he +might have writ man, his mother perswaded even out of his sex, and +putting on petty-coats, was condemn'd to a maids office in a prison: +who, after he had spent what he had, and chang'd the scene of his +lust; having contracted an old friendship, basely left it; and, +frontless impudence! like a hot whore, for one night's pleasure, sold +his friend. Now the lovers lye whole nights lockt in each other's +arms, and who knows but in those intervals they recruit their weary'd +strength, may laugh at me: but they shan't go off so, for if I'm a +man, or a free-born one at least, I'll make their blood compensate the +injury." + +Having thus said I girt on my sword; and lest I shou'd be too weak to +maintain the war, encourag'd my self with a lusty meal, and making out +of doors, like one possesst, search'd every place: but whilst, with a +wild distracted countenance, I thought of nothing but blood and +slaughter; and oft with execrations laying my hand on my sword, a +souldier, perhaps some cheat or padder, observ'd me, and making up to +me, askt to what regiment or company I, his brother souldier, +belong'd? when, with a good assurance, I had cheated him into a belief +of the regiment and company; well, but friend, said he, looking down, +doe the souldiers of your company walk in such shoes? I began to look +guilty, and by my trembling discover'd the lye I had told him: upon +which he made me lay down my arms, and bid me take care of the worst. +Thus stript, nay and thus rob'd of my revenge, I return'd to my +lodging, where by degrees my fears abating, I began in my mind to +thank the robber. + +But finding it difficult to wean my self from the love of revenge, I +spent half the night very pensively; and rising by day-break, to ease +me of my grief, and thoughts of my injury, I rov'd about every where, +till at last going in to a publick gallery, very wonderful for several +sorts of excellent painting; I saw some by Zeuxy's hand, that had not +yet yielded to the injuries of time: And, not without an awful +reverence, behold others by Protogenes, which tho' they were first +tryals, yet disputed for exactness, even with nature it self: but on +the other side viewing a celebrated piece drawn by Apelles; I even +ador'd the work of so great a master: 'twas so correctly finisht to +the life, you'd have sworn it an image of the soul too. One side gave +the story of the eagle bearing Jupiter to heaven, the other the fair +Hylas repelling the addresses of the lew'd naiad: in another part was +Apollo, angry at himself for killing his boy Hyacinth; and, to shew +his love, crown'd his harp with the flower that sprung from his blood. + +In this gallery, as in a vision of living images, I cry'd out; and are +not the gods themselves secure from love? Jupiter in his seraglio +above, not finding one that can please his appetite, sins upon earth, +yet injures nobody: the nymph wou'd have stifl'd her passion for +Hylas, had she believ'd the lusty Hercules wou'd have been his rival: +Apollo turns Hyacinth into a flower: and every image enjoy'd its +wishes without a rival: but I have caress'd, as the dearest friend, +the greatest villain. + +While I was thus talking to my self, there enter'd the gallery an old +man, with a face as pale as age had made his hair; and seem'd, I know +not how, to bring with him the air of a great soul; but viewing his +habit, I was easily confirm'd in my opinion, since fortune seldom +deals favourably with learned men. In short, he made up to me, and +addressing himself, told me he was a poet; and, as he hop'd, above the +common herd: if, added he, my merrit don't suffer by applause that's +promiscuously given, to the good and bad. + +Why, therefore, interrupted I, are you so meanly clad? On this +account return'd he, because learning never made any man rich. + + The merchant's profit well rewards his toil: + The souldier crowns his labours with the spoil: + To servile flattery we altars raise: + And the kind wife her stallion ever pays: + But starving wit in rags takes barren pain: + And, dying, seeks the muses aid in vain. + +"'Tis certain," added he, "that a lover of virtue, on account of his +singularity, meets with contempt; for who can approve what differs +from himself? And that those who admire riches, wou'd fain possess +every body, that nothing is more reasonable than their opinion; whence +they ridicule, as well as they can, the learned few; that they, like +themselves, might seem within the power of money." + +"I don't know, how learning and poverty became relations," said I, and +sigh'd: "You justly lament," return'd he, "the condition of scholars." + +"You mistake me," said I, "that's not the occasion of my sighs, +there's another and much greater cause:" And, as all men are naturally +inclin'd to communicate their grief; I laid open my case to him, +beginning with Ascyltos's treachery, which I aggravated; and, with +repeated sighs, often wisht his injustice to me might have deserv'd +pardon: but that now he was a staunch villain, and in lust more subtle +than the bawds themselves. + +The old man, seeing me sincere, began to comfort me; and the better to +effect it, told me what formerly had happen'd to himself on the like +occasion. + +"In Asiam cum a quaestore essem stipendio eductus, hospitium Pergami +accepi. Ubi cum libenter habitarem non solum propter cultum +aedicularum, sed etiam propter hospitis formosissimum filium, +excogitavi rationem, qua non essem patri familiae suspectus amator. +Quotiescunque enim in convivio de usu formosorum mentio facta est, tam +vehementer excandui, tam severa tristitia violari aures meas obsceno +sermone nolui, ut me mater praecipue tanquam unum ex philosophis +intueretur. Iam ego coeperam ephebum in gymnasium deducere, ego +studia eius ordinare, ego docere ac praecipere, ne quis praedator +corporis admitteretur in domum. . . . + +"Forte cum in triclinio iaceremus, quia dies sollemnis ludum artaverat +pigritiamque recedendi imposuerat hilaritas longior, fere circa mediam +noctem intellexi puerum vigilare. Itaque timidissimo murmure votum +feci et 'domina' inquam 'Venus, si ego hunc puerum basiavero, ita ut +ille non sensiat, cras illi par columbarum donabo.' Audito voluptatis +pretio puer stertere coepit. Itaque aggressus simulantem aliquot +basiolis invasi. Contentus hoc principio bene mane surrexi electumque +par columbarum attuli expectanti ac me voto exsolvi. + +"Proxima nocte cum idem liceret, mutavi optionem et 'si hunc' inquam +'tractavero improba manu, et ille non senserit, gallos gallinaceos +pugnacissimos duos donabo patienti.' Ad hoc votum ephebus ultro se +admovit et, puto, vereri coepit, ne ego obdormiscerem. Indulsi ergo +sollicito, totoque corpore citra summam voluptatem nne ingurgitavi. +Deinde ut dies venit, attuli gaudenti quicquid promiseram. Ut tertia +nox licentiam dedit, consurrexi . . . ad aurem male dormientis 'dii' +inquam 'immortales, si ego huic dormienti abstulero coitum plenum et +optabilem, pro hac felicitate cras puero asturconem. Macedonicum +optimum donabo, cum hac tamen exceptione, si ille non senserit.' +Nunquam altiore somno ephebus obdormivit. Itaque primum implevi +lacentibus papillis manus, mox basio inhaesi, deinde in unum omnia +vota coniunxi. Mane sedere in cubiculo coepit atque expectare +consuetudinem meam. Scis quanto facilius sit, columbas gallosque +gallinaceos emere quam asturconem, et praeter hoc etiam timebam, ne +tam grande munus suspectam faceret humanitatem meam. Ego aliquot +horis spatiatus in hospitium reverti nihilque aliud quam puerum +basiavi. At ille circumspiciens ut cervicem meam iunxit amplexu, +'rogo' inquit 'domine, ubi est asturco?' + +"Cum ob hanc offensam praeclusissem mihi aditum, quem feceram, iterum +ad licentiam redii. Interpositis enim paucis diebus, cum similis +casus nos in eandem fortunam rettulisset, ut intellexi stertere +patrem, rogare coepi ephebum, ut reverteretur in gratiam mecum, id est +ut pateretur satis fieri sibi, et cetera quae libido distenta dictat. +At ille plane iratus nihil aliud dicebat nisi hoc: 'aut dormi, aut ego +iam dicam patri.' Nihil est tam arduum, quod non improbitas +extorqueat. Dum dicit: 'patrem excitabo,' irrepsi tamen et male +repugnanti gaudium extorsi. At ille non indelectatus nequitia mea, +postquam diu questus est deceptum se et derisum traductumque inter +condiscipulos, quibus iactasset censum meum, 'videris tamen' inquit +'non ero tui similis. Si quid vis, fac iterum.' Ego vero deposita +omni offensa cum puero in gratiam redii ususque beneficio eius in +somnum delapsus sum. Sed non fuit contentus iteratione ephebus planae +maturitatis et annis ad patiendum gestientibus. Itaque excitavit me +sopitum et 'numquid vis?' inquit. Et non plane iam molestum erat +munus. Utcunque igitur inter anhelitus sudoresque tritus, quod +voluerat, accepit, rursusque in somnum decidi gaudio lassus. +Interposita minus hora pungere me manu coepit et dicere: 'quare non +facimus?' tum ego totiens excitatus plane vehementer excandui et +reddidi illi voces suas: 'aut dormi, aut ego iam patri dicam.'" + +This discourse diverting my grief, I began to question the old +gentleman about the antiquity of some pieces, the stories of others I +was not acquainted with, the reason why this age don't come up to the +former, and why the most excellent arts are lost, of which painting +has not left the least sign of its being? "Our love of riches," +reply'd he, "has been the only occasion: for in old time, when virtue +was admir'd for its own sake, all liberal arts flourisht, and the only +emulation among men, was to make discoveries that might profit the +age. 'Twas in those times Democritus, content with poverty, found out +the vertue of most herbs; and lest there might be any hidden +excellence in stones and trees, spent the rest of his life in +experiments about them: 'Twas then Eudoxus abandon'd the world, to +live on the top of a high mountain, to discover the motions of the +heavens and Crisippus, the better to qualify his mind for invention, +went thrice through a course of physick. + +"But to return to imagery, Lysippus with that diligence imploy'd +himself about one statue, that, neglecting his living, he dyed, for +want: and Myron, whose brazen images of men and beasts, you might have +mistaken for living ones, dy'd very poor: but our age is so wholly +devoted to drinking and whoring, we're so far from inventing, that we +don't acquaint our selves even with those arts that are found to our +hands: But, accusing antiquity, our schools become seminaries of vice +only: what's our logick? How little do we know of astronomy? Where's +our philosopher? What master of eloquence could indure to hear it so +murdred in a pulpit? What wise man cou'd suffer the noise? Our +business in the temple is not to inform our minds, or correct our +lives; but as soon as we enter the place, one out of love to his +friend, being made his heir, promises a sacrifice to the gods, if +they'd please to take him out of this troublesome world; another, if +they'd direct him to a treasure: the like a third promises if they'd +make him happy in a small estate of 300l. per an. or so: The very +Senate that shou'd show an exemplary conduct, in occasions of doubtful +events, have devoted mighty sums of gold to religious uses: And who +wou'd not but admire, that, he is perswaded hath charms enough to make +the gods themselves comply! You need not wonder why painting is lost, +when gold appears more beautiful both to gods and men, than any thing +Apelles or Phidias are now esteem'd madly to have spent their time +about: But seeing your curiosity is wholly taken up with that piece, +that shews you a contracted history of the Siege of Troy: I'll try to +give you the story more at large in verse. + + "Now Troy had felt a siege of ten long years, + Concern and sorrow in each face appears: + The Grecian prophet too, with terrour fill'd, + What fate decree'd, but doubtfully reveal'd: + When thus Apollo---- + From the proud top of Ida's rising hill + A lofty pile of mighty cedars fell, + Whose trunks into a dreadful fabrick force, + And, let it bear the figure of a horse: + The spacious hollows, of whose mountain-womb, + The choice and flower of your troops entomb. + The Greeks, enrag'd to be so long repell'd, + With their chief troops the beasts vast bowel's fill'd, + And thus their arms and all their hopes conceal'd. + Strange was the fate the rul'd unhappy Troy, + Who thought them gone, and lasting peace t'enjoy, + So the inscription of the machine said, + And treacherous Synon, for their ruin made. + All from their arms at once, and troubles run + To view the horse, and left th' unguarded town + So over-joy'd they wept: Thus even fears + When joy surprizes, melt away in tears. + Enrag'd Laocoon, with prophetick beat, + Prest thro' the crowd, that on his humour wait; + And with a javelin pierc'd the fatal horse, + But fate retards the blow, and stopt its force: + The spear jumpt back upon the priest, so nigh, + It gave new credit to the treachery. + Yet to confirm how weak was the attempt + 'Gainst what the gods will have, his javelin sent, + Resum'd with double fury, thro' his side, + And the large concave of the machine try'd: + When from within the captive Grecians roar; + And the beast trembles with another's fear. + Yet to the town the present they convey, + Thus a new stragem does Troy betray; + While to the taken, she becomes a prey. + But other monsters there enform our eyes, + What mighty seas from Teuedos arise! + The frighted Neptune seems to seek the shore, + With such a noise, with such a dreadful roar: + As in a silent night, when, from afar, + The dismal sound of wrecks invades the ear: + When rolling on the waves two mighty snakes, + Unhappy Troy descry'd; whose circling stroaks, + Had drove the swelling surges on the rocks. + Like lofty ships they on the billows ride, + And with rais'd breasts the foaming flood divide: + Their crests they brandish and red eye-balls raise, + That all around dispence a sulphurous blaze. + To shore advancing, now the waves appear + All fire; unwonted ratlings fill the air. + The ocean trembles at their dreadful hiss; + All are amaz'd: When in a Trojan dress; + And holy wreaths their sacred temples bind, + Laocoon's sons were by the snakes entwin'd: + Now t'wards heaven their little hands are thrown + Each for his brother, not himself does moan, + And prays to save his ruin by his own. + Both dye at last, thro' fear each other shou'd, + And to give death a greater pomp, the good + Laocoon to their rescue vainly run, + Now gorg'd with death, they drag him on the ground + Up to the altar, where devoted lies + The priest himself, a panting sacrifice. + Thus with his blood the temple they prophane; + Losing their gods; Troy's ruin thus began: + Now the bright taper of the night appears, + Gayly attended with a train of stars: + When midst the Trojans, dead in sleep and wine, + The Grecians execute their dire design: + When from the open'd caverns of the horse, + Like a large flood, their hidden troops did gush; + And now deliver'd, leave their horse and fear, + With the same wanton motions colts appear: + When from the plow, and heavy collar freed, + They shake their rising crests, and try their speed. + Their swords they brandish, and their shields they rear, + And fix their helmets, then begin the war: + A party here o' th' drunken Trojans light, + And send them snoring to eternal night; + Another there now made their altars smoke, + And against Troy, Troy's guardian gods invoke." + +When Eumolpus had gone thus far in his story, the people that were +walking there, began to fling stones at him: But he, conscious of his +merit, cover'd his head, and took up his heels: I, fearing they wou'd +have taken me for a poet too, made after him: When we were out of +stone shot of the enemy, "I beseech you, sir," said I, "what will you +do with this disease of yours? I don't wonder at the peoples humour, +since I have hardly been acquainted with you two hours, and your +entertainment has been more poetry than the conversation of a man. I +think I must fill my pocket with stones, that when I perceive you +going into a fit, I may bleed you in the head for it, with one of +'em." + +He turn'd to me, and, "Dear child," said he, "I rose to day without +consulting my fortune; tho' 'tis confest I seldom appear even on the +stage, but such a mobb as this are laughing at me: But that I may not +be at difference with you too, I'll tye my self up from this humour of +poetry:" "Well, well," said I, "on that condition I sup with you;" +upon which, going into the poor cottage I lodg'd at, we order'd the +master of it to get us a supper, and in the mean time we went to the +bagnio, where I saw Gito standing against the wall, with towels and +rubbing brushes in his hand; his troubl'd countenance easily perswaded +me he serv'd on compulsion: As soon as he saw me, with joy addressing +himself, he told me, that since I was not in that martial posture that +once frighted him to belye his affections, he cou'd freely speak to +me, upon which he entreated me to pity his circumstances; and, if I +cou'd but deliver him from so barbarous a master, since he was now +sorry he was forc'd to be my judge, I might take my satisfaction in +any punishment I'de please to inflict; "for," added he, "if I must +dye, 'twill be comfort enough to so unhappy a wretch to think that you +are pleas'd in 't." + +I desir'd him wave his complaints, lest our design shou'd be +discover'd, and leaving Eumolpus (for in the bath he was versifying) +we made off thro' a dirty back-entry, as privately as we could to my +lodgings: Where, shutting the door, I threw my arms about his neck, +and, tho, he was all in tears, half smother'd him with kisses: Thus we +continu'd without a word from either side: Gito's repeated sobs so +disturb'd him, he could not speak: When after a long time spent in +that posture, "how unaccountable is it," began I, "to love him that +once forsook me! And that in this breast I shou'd feel so great a +wound, yet have no sign of its being there! what's you' pretence for +chusing Ascyltos? Have I deserv'd such usage?" + +After he found I still had love for him, he began to look less +concerned: "When," added I, "I'm so far from desireing an umpire to +judge of th' ingratitude of your choice, that I neither complain of, +or design to remember it; if I find you sincere." + +I cou'd not tell him this without a tear: When, wiping his face, says +he, "Encolpius, I appeal to your memory, whether I left, you, or you +betray'd me. I must confess, and hope you can't blame me; when I saw +two at daggers-drawing, that I ran to the strongest." + +I cou'd not but admire his wit, and to convince him of a perfect +reconciliation, sealed it with repeated kisses. + +'Twas now quite dark, and our supper was dishing up, when Eumolpus +knock'd at the door: I ask'd how many there was of 'em: And took an +opportunity through a chink, to see whether Ascyltos was with him: But +finding him alone, I soon open'd the door: He had hardly fixt himself +on his couch, when seeing Gito in waiting, "on my word," said he, "a +very Gannymed; sure Encolpius, you'll have no reason to complain to +day." + +I did not like to observing an entry; and was afraid I had entertain'd +another Ascyltos. Eumolpus pursuing his humour, when the boy fill'd +him a glass, "I had rather," said he, "be in possession of thee, than +the whole bagnio"; and greedily drinking it off, "the heat I've been +in," added he, "made this the pleasantest draught I ever took: For to +deal freely with ye, I narrowly scap'd a beating, for attempting, when +I was in the bath, to deliver my thoughts of it in verse: And after I +was turn'd out of the bagnio, as I us'd to be out of the theatre; I +search'd every place, crying as loud as I cou'd, 'Encolpius, +Encolpius.' A naked youth that had lost his cloaths, as strongly +echo'd back to me, 'Gito, Gito': The boys, believing me mad, ridicul'd +me with their mimikry: But the other was attended with a great +concourse of people, that with an awful admiration prais'd the youth: +For nature had so largely qualify'd him for a lover, his body seem'd +but as the skirt of the mighty member it bore: A lusty rogue! I'll +warrant, he'd maintain the field four and twenty hours! He therefore +soon found relief, for some debauch'd spark, a Roman knight, as was +reported, flung his cloak over him, and took him home, with hopes, I +presume to engross so great a prize: But I was so far from meeting +such civility, that even my own cloaths were kept from me, till I +brought one that knew me, to satisfie 'em in my character: So much +more profitable 'tis to improve the body than the mind." + +Whilst Eumolpus was telling his story, I often chang'd countenance: +Looking glad at the ill fortune of my rival, but troubled at his good: +yet did not interrupt him, lest he shou'd discover my concern: and +when he had done, I told him what we had for supper. + +I had hardly given him an account, e're our entertainment came in: +'Twas common homely food, but very nourishing: Our half starv'd doctor +attacqu'd it very briskly, but when he had well fill'd himself, began +to tell us, philosophers were above the world, and to ridicule those +that condemn every thing, because 'tis common, and only to admire +those things that are difficult to be had: "These vicious appetites," +added he, "that despise what they can cheaply come by, never taste any +thing pure, but, like sick men, love only those things that are +hurtful to 'em. + + "What's soon obtain'd, we nauseously receive, + All hate the victory that's got with leave: + We scorn the good our happy isle brings forth, + But love whatever is of foreign growth: + Not that the fish that distant waters feed, + Do those excel that in our climate breed; + But these are cheaply taken, those came far, + With difficulty got, and cost us dear: + Thus the kind she, abroad, we admire above + Th' insipid lump, at home of lawful love: + Yet once enjoy'd, we strait a new desire, + And absent pleasures only do admire." + +"Is this," said I, interrupting him, "what you promis'd, that you +wou'd not versifie to day agen? I beseech you, sir, at least spare us +that never pelted you: For if any of the inn shou'd find we have a +poet in our company, the whole neighbourhood wou'd be rais'd, and we +shou'd dye martyrs for a wrong opinion: If nothing else will make you +pity us, think of the galery and bath you came from": when I had +treated him after this rate, the good natur'd Gito, correcting me, +said, I did very ill to rail at a man so much my elder; and that +having offer'd a gentleman the curtsie of my table, I shou'd not so +far forget good breeding, to affront him when he came: With many the +like expressions, attended with a blush at their delivery, that +extreamly became him. + +"Happy the woman," said Eumolpus, "that's blest with such a son! +Heaven encrease your virtue: so much sense, and so much beauty we +seldom meet with in any one person: But, lest you shou'd think your +civility thrown away, you have found a lover for it: I'll give the +world your praises in verse: I'll be your servant, your gardian, and +will follow you every where: Nor can Encolpius think himself injur'd, +he loves another." + +Eumolpus was oblig'd to the souldier that robb'd me of my sword, else +I had turn'd the fury upon him I meant for Ascyltos: Gito reading it +in my countenance, under pretence of fetching water, prudently +withdrew: And allay'd my heat, by removing one cause of it: But my +rage reviving, "Eumolpus," said I, "I had rather have heard even your +verses, that you propose to your self such hopes: I am very +passionate, and you are very lustful: Consider how improbable 'tis we +shou'd agree; believe therefore I am mad, and humour the phrenzy; that +is, be gone immediately." + +At this Eumolpus was in great confusion, and, without asking the +occasion of my passion, presently made out: But drawing the door after +him, what I did not in the least suspect, he lock'd me in, and +stealing the key out of the door, ran in pursuit of Gito. + +The rage I was in to be so abus'd, put me upon hanging my self; and +having ty'd an apron, I found in the room, to the bed-stead, committed +my neck to the noose I had made with its strings: When Eumolpus and +Gito came to the door, and entering, prevented my design: Gito, his +grief growing to a rage, made a great out-cry, and forcing me on the +bed, "You're mistaken," said he, "Encolpius, if you fancy it possible +for you to dye before me: I was first in the design, and had not +surviv'd my choice of Ascyltos; if I had met with an instrument of +death: But had not you come to my relief in the bath, I had resolv'd +to throw my self out of the window: And that you may know how ready +death is to wait those that desire it: see--I've got what you so +lately endeavour'd." + +Upon which, having snatch'd a rasor from Eumolpus's servant, he struck +three or four times 't his throat, and fell down before us: frightened +at the accident, I cry'd out, and falling upon him e're he had reached +the ground, with the same weapon, endeavoured to follow him: But +neither had Gito any appearance of a wound, nor did I feel my self +hurt: For it happen'd to be a dull rasor, design'dly made so, to +prepare learners of the art to handle a sharper which was the reason +Eumolpus did not offer to prevent our mimick deaths, nor his man look +concern'd when the rasor was snatch'd from him. + +While this scene was acting, the inn-keeper came in upon us, with the +other part of our supper; and viewing the obscene posture we were in, +"I beseech you, sirs," said he, "are ye drunk, or have fled justice, +and are acting it on your selves, or both? ho! who was going to make a +gibet of the bed? What private designs are here on foot? What--was +your going out but now with intent to bilke me? But you shall feel +fo't: I'll soon make ye know who rules here." + +"What, you rascal," crys Eumolpus, "do you threat too?" And without +more ado flung his fist in his face: The inn-keeper took up an earthen +pitcher we so oft had empty'd, and sending it at Eumolpus, broke his +forehead, and immediately ran down stairs: Eumolpus, impatient of +revenge, snatching up a great wooden candlestick, made after him; and +pouring his blows very thick on the inn-keeper, repair'd the injury +with interest: This alarm'd the whole house, and whilst the rest of +his guess, that by this time were most of 'em drunk; ran to see what +was the matter, taking an opportunity to revenge the injury Eumolpus +had offer'd me, I lock'd him out; and turning thus his trick upon +himself, at once, enjoy'd the bed and board without a rival. + +In the mean time, the islanders (that came in at the bustle) and cooks +with all their kitchin artillery set upon Eumolpus: One throws at his +head a hot spit with the meat on't; another with a pitchfork puts +himself in a martial posture against him; but especially a blear-ey'd +old woman, who tucking up the dirty apron she had about her, with one +shoe on, and another off, hall'd a great mastiff and set him at +Eumolpus: But with the wooden candlestick he defended himself against +all his enemies. + +We saw all through a hole they had made by wrenching the latch from +the door: I wish'd him well you may imagine; but Gito had compassion +and wou'd have succour'd the distrest Eumolpus; upon which, my rage +continuing, I gave his pitying head two or three blows with my fist; +he sate down on the bed and cry'd: but I so eagerly ply'd the hole, I +made my eyes relieve each other; and, encouraging the people against +him, with great satisfaction beheld the conflict: when the bailiff of +the island, one Bargates, whom the scuffle had rais'd from supper; was +brought into the room, supported by others legs, for he was troubl'd +with the gout, he cou'd not use his own: And having in his clownish +manner, with a great deal of heat, made a long harangue against +drunkards and vagabonds, looking on Eumolpus, "ha! what is it you," +says he, "the excellent poet? What--has these rogues been abusing you +all this while?" At what time he goes up to Eumolpus, and in a +whisper, "I have a maid," says he, "that flouts at me when I ask her +the question; prithee, if you have any love for me, abuse her in a +copy of verses till she's ashamed of her self." + +While Eumolpus was thus ingag'd with Bargates, the cryer of the town, +and some other officer, attended with a great concourse of people, +entred the inn; and, shaking a smoaky rather than lighted torch he +carried, mouths out this; viz. + +NOT LONG AGO, RUN AWAY FROM THE BATH, A VERY PRETTY BOY, WITH CURL'D +HAIR, BY NAME, GITO. + +IF ANY MAN, OR WOMAN, IN CITY, OR COUNTRY CAN TELL TALE OR TIDINGS OF +HIM, SHALL HAVE FOR HIS REWARD 1000 SESTERCES. + +Not far from the cryer, stood Ascyltos, clad with a coat of many +colours; who, to incourage any discoverer, held the reward in a silver +charger before him. + +Upon this, I order'd Gito to steal under the bed, and thrust his feet +and hands through the cords that, as Ulysses formerly hid in a sheeps +hide, so extended he might cheat the searchers. + +Gito immediately obey'd the motion, and fixing himself, as I directed, +out-did Ulysses in his native art: But, that I might leave no room for +suspicion, I so disposed the bed-cloaths, that none could believe more +than my self had lain there. + +We had just done, when Ascyltos, with a beadle, having search'd the +other chambers, came to ours, which gave him greater hopes, because he +found the door so barr'd: But the petty officer he brought, with an +iron crow, forc'd it open. + +Upon Ascyltos's entry, I threw my self at his feet, and beseech'd him, +if he had any memory of our past friendship; or any respect for one +that had shar'd misfortunes with him, he wou'd at least let me see the +still dear Gito: And to give my sham-intreaties a better colour, "I +see," says I, "Ascyltos, you are come with designs on my life; for to +what other end could you bring those ministers of justice? Therefore +satisfie your rage, behold my naked bosom, let out that blood, which, +under pretence of a search, you come to seek." + +Ascyltos, now laying aside his old grudge to me; profess'd he came in +pursuit of nothing but Gito, that had run from him; nor desir'd the +death of any man, much more of one that falls before him; and whom, +after a fatal quarrel with him, he held most dear. + +The petty officer was not so easie to me, for taking a stick out of +the inn-keeper's hand, he felt under the bed with it, and run it into +every hole he found in the wall: Gito drew his body out of the stick's +way, and, breathing as gently as fear cou'd make him, held his mouth +close to the cords. + +They were hardly gone, e're Eumolpus bounc'd in upon us, for the +broken door cou'd stop nobody, and, in a great heat, cry'd out, "I'll +earn the reward: I'll make after the Cryer, and let him know how soon +Gito may be in his custody." + +Eumolpus pursuing his design, I kist his knees, and intreated him not +to anticipate the end of dying men; "you wou'd be justly angry," added +I, "if you shou'd discover to 'em how you are deceiv'd: The boy run +into the crowd undiscovered, and where he is gone, my self can't +suspect. I beseech you, Eumolpus, bring back the boy, or at least +restore him even to Ascyltos." + +Just as I had worked him to a belief, Gito, with restraining his +breath, snees'd thrice so thoroughly, that he shook the bed; at which +Eumolpus, turning about, saluted him with, "God bless you, sir;" and, +taking the bedding aside, saw the little Ulysses, who might have +raised compassion, even in a blood-thirsty Cyclops: then looking upon +me, "Thou villain," says he, "how have you shamm'd me? Durst you not +tell truth, even when you was catch'd in a roguery? If some god, that +has the care of humane affairs, had not forc'd the boy to discover +himself, I had wander'd in search of him to a fine purpose." But +Gito, that cou'd fawn much better than I, took a cobweb dipt in oyl, +and apply'd to the wound in his forehead: And changing his torn coat +for his own mantle, imbrac'd the now reconcil'd Eumolpus, and stuck to +his lips: at last he spoke, and, "Our lives," said he, "most indulgent +father, our lives are in your power; if you love your Gito, convince +him that you do, by preserving him: O! could I now meet a grave in +flames or waves, that I, the only cause of all, might end your +quarrels." + +Eumolpus, concern'd at our grief, and particularly mindful of Gito's +tenderness to him; "surely," says he, "y'are the greatest of fools, +who have souls enrich'd with virtues, that may make ye happy, yet live +a continu'd martyrdom, raising to your selves every day new occasions +of grief; I, wherever I am, make my life as pleasant and free from +trouble, as if I expected no more of it: If you'll imitate me, never +let cares disturb your quiet. And to avoid Ascyltos that haunts ye in +these parts, I am taking a voyage to a foreign country, and shou'd be +glad of your company: I believe to morrow night I shall go on board +the vessel: I am very well known there, and you need not doubt of a +civil entertainment." + +His advice appear'd to me both wise and profitable; for at once it +deliver'd me from Ascyltos, and gave me hopes of living more happy: +Thus oblig'd by Eumolpus's good nature, I was sorry for the late +injury I had done him, and began to repent I appear'd his rival, since +it had occasion'd so many disasters. + +At last, with tears, I beseech'd him to be friends with me too, for +that it was not in a rival's power to bound his rage; yet, that I +wou'd try neither to say, or do any thing that may offend him: and +hop'd so wise and good a man as he, wou'd leave in his mind no sign of +a former quarrel: for 'twas with men as with countrys, on rude +neglected grounds snows lay very long, but where the fruitful earth +was improv'd by culture, they presently melt off, and hardly leave a +print behind: Thus unfashion'd minds can't discharge their passions +suddenly, but where souls are inrich'd with instruction, they but +appear and vanish. + +"And to confirm the truth of what you say," return'd Eumolpus, "all my +heat expires in this kiss; but, to prevent the designs of your +enemies, hasten with your wallets, and either follow me, or, if ye +like it, act the leaders." + +He had not done speaking, when, hearing the door move, we turn'd +about, and saw a seaman, with a beard that made him appear terribly +grim: who saluted Eumolpus with a "Why dy'e stay, as if you did not +know how near the time 'twas?" + +All immediately prepared for the march, Eumolpus loads his servants, +who had been all this while asleep; I, and Gito, pack'd our things +together, and, thanking our stars, enter'd the vessel. + +We fixt our selves, as much out of the way as we could, under deck: +and it being not yet day, Eumolpus fell a-sleep: I, and Gito, cou'd +not take a wink: when reflecting afresh, that I had harbour'd in my +acquaintance, a rival more powerful than Ascyltos; I began to be much +troubled: but wisely allaying my grief, I thus reason'd with my self: +Is it so troublesom to share what we love? when the best of nature's +works are in common? The sun throws his rays on all. The moon, with +her infinite train of stars, serves to light even beasts to their +fodder: What below can boast an excellence of nature above the waters? +Yet they flow in publick for the use of all: only love seems sweeter +stol'n than when it's given us: so it is, we esteem nothing, unless +'tis envy'd by others; but what have I to fear in a rival, that age +and impotence conspire to render disagreeable? Who, when he has an +inclination, his body jades under him before he can reach the goal. + +When I had cheated my self with this assurance, I muffled my head in +my coat, and feign'd my self asleep: but on a sudden, as if fortune +had resolv'd to ruin my quiet; I heard one above deck groaning out: +"And has he scorn'd me?" This struck me with a trembling, for it was +a man's voice, and one I was afraid I knew: but at a greater distance, +with the same heat, I heard a woman lamenting: "O that some god," said +she, "wou'd bring my Gito to my arms; tho' he banish'd himself thence; +how kindly wou'd I receive him!" + +So unexpected a thing drove the colour from our cheeks; I especially, +as in a trance, was a long time speechless; when, trembling with fear, +I pull'd Eumolpus by the coat, who was now asleep; and "I beseech you, +father," said I, "do you know the owner of this vessel, or who the +passengers are?" He was very angry to be disturbed: "And was it for +this reason," said he, "that we chose the most private place in the +ship; that none but your self might disturb us: or what will it +signifie if I tell you, that one Lycas a Tarentine owns her, and is +carrying one Tryphœna to Tarentum?" + +For a while I stood like one thunder-struck, when opening my bosom, I +trembling, cry'd out; "At last, Fortune, you have ruin'd every part of +me:" for Gito, my better half, lean'd on my breast, as if he had +breath'd his last: when our sweating through fear, had a little +recover'd our spirits: I fell at Eumolpus feet, and intreated him to +have compassion of two dying wretches: that is, to assist us in the +means of escaping the impending mischief: "Tho' death," I added, +"wou'd be more grateful to us, if the happiness of enjoying you, did +not make us envy life." + +Eumolpus was glad to serve us, and swore by all that's sacred, he was +privy to no design against us; and that he had very innocently brought +us hither, for no other end, than for our company, having hir'd the +vessel before he was acquainted with us: "But what designs on your +lives are here?" added he, "Or have we a pyrate Hannibal on board?" +"Lycas," continued he, "a very honourable man, is not only master and +owner of this vessel, but of a good estate, and having inclinations to +traffick, freights his vessel himself: Is this the terrible Cyclops? +Is this the dreadful cut-throat, we must pay our carriage to? And +besides him, is the beautiful Tryphœna that other emblem of +terrour, who for her pleasure only goes with Lycas." + +"These are the very two," reply'd Gito, "we strove to avoid": and, in +a low voice, made Eumolpus, that trembled at the story, at once +understand the occasions of their malice to us, and our present +danger. + +Eumolpus was so distracted in his thoughts, he cou'd not advise, but +bid each of us give him his opinion; "And presume," says he, "we had +just enter'd the Cyclops den, where Jove's thunderbolts are made. We +must seek a means of delivery, except we design to free us from all +danger, by sinking the vessel." + +"No, no," began Gito, "rather offer the pilot a reward, to direct the +vessel to some port: and affirm the sea so disagrees with your friend, +that if he is not so kind, you fear he'll dye: you may colour the +pretence with tears, and appear much concern'd, that, mov'd with +compassion, the pilot may befriend you." + +Eumolpus reply'd, that could not be effected, for not only the +difficulty of guiding so great a ship to a port, but a suspicion he +wou'd necessarily have, that his friend cou'd not be so suddenly very +ill, conspir'd against it: Then next perhaps, Lycas wou'd have a +curiosity to visit his sick passenger: "Can you propose to escape by a +means that will discover ye to him ye'd avoid? But presuming the ship +cou'd be stopt in her rapid course, and that Lycas shou'd not visit +his sick on board: How can we get out, but all must see us? With our +heads muffled, or bare? If cover'd, we move every one to lend a hand +to sick persons; if bare, we discover our selves." + +"A desperate disease," said I, "must have a desperate cure; I know no +better expedient of our delivery, than to slide into the long boat, +and cutting the cord, leave the rest to Fortune: Nor do I desire +Eumolpus to share the danger: For what wou'd it signifie to involve an +innocent person in other mens deserv'd misfortunes? We shall think +our selves happy, if Fortune be kind." + +"'Twas not ill advised," said Eumolpus, "if it cou'd be done; for do +you think to stir in the ship unobserved, when the distant motion of +the stars themselves can't escape the pilot's diligence? You must +pass the only guarded part of the ship near which place the rope that +holds the boat is tyed: Besides, Encolpius, I wonder you did not +remember that one seaman was upon constant duty night and day in the +boat it self; nor will be mov'd from his post, without you cut his +throat, or fling him overboard; which consider whether you can dare +attempt; for my part, to go with you I would refuse no danger that +could give me the least hopes of getting off; but to put so low a +value on life, to throw it away as a useless thing, I believe even +your selves are unwilling: Hear whether you like my proposal; I'll put +ye into two mantles I have here, and making holes to breathe and eat +through, will place you amongst my other goods for baggage, next +morning I allarm the whole ship, crying out, my servants, fearing a +greater punishment, in the night jump into the sea; that when the ship +made to land, I might carry you off for baggage." + +"Very well," said I, "but do you design to tye us as stocks, within +which nature does not labour to be freed; or as those that use to +sneeze and snore? Or, because I once succeeded in a like deceit? But +suppose we cou'd hold out a day so ty'd up, what shall we do if we're +put to't longer? Will the thoughts of a quiet life without cares, or +of our adverse fortune entertain us most? our very cloaths long bound +up will rot upon our backs: Can we, d'ye think, that are young, and +not inur'd to labour, endure to be clad like statues, and wear our +cords as insensibly? Since we are yet to seek a way of escape, for no +proposal has been made without an objection; see what I have thought +on: The studious Eumolpus, I presume, never goes unfurnisht with ink; +is there a better expedient, than washing our hands, face, and hair, +with that, to appear like Æthiopian slaves? when without wringing +our limbs, we can't but be merry, to act a cheat, that so nearly +imposes on our enemies?" + +"And why would you not have us circumcis'd too," interrupted Gito, +"that we may appear like Jews; and have our ears bor'd, to persuade +them we came from Arabia? and why did not you advise our faces to be +chalk'd as well as ink'd, that we might pass for Frenchmen, as if our +colour would make such a mighty alteration? Has a foreigner but one +mark of distinction? Can you think anybody so ignorant to mistake you +for one, by that sign only? Grant our dawb'd faces wou'd keep their +colour: Suppose it wou'd not wash off, nor our cloaths stick to the +ink, how can we imitate their black swollen lips? the short curl of +their hair? the seams on their foreheads? their circular way of +treading? their splay feet? or the mode of their beards? an artificial +colour rather stains than alters the body; but, if you'll be rul'd by +a madman, let's cover our heads, and jump into the sea?" + +"Nor Heaven nor man," cry'd Eumolpus, "cou'd suffer ye make so ill an +end; rather pursue this advice: My slave, as you may imagine by his +rasor, is a piece of a barber; let him shave not only your heads, but, +as a mark of greater punishment, your eye-brows too, and Ill finish +your disguise with an inscription on your foreheads, that you may +appear as slaves branded for some extraordinary villany: Thus the same +letters will at once divert their suspicion, and conceal your +countenance under the mask of punishment." + +We lik'd the advice, and hasten'd the execution, when stealing to the +side of the vessel, we committed our heads and eye-brows to the +barber: Eumolpus in the meantime fill'd our foreheads with great +letters, and very liberally dispenc'd the known marks of fugitives +through the other parts of our faces; one of the passengers, easing +his o're-charg'd stomach o're the side of the ship, by the moon +perceiving the reflection of a barber busie at so unseasonable a time, +and, cursing the omen that he thought presag'd a shipwreck, ran to his +hammock, upon which we dissembled the same, but indeed had an equal +though different concern; and the noise over, we spent the rest of the +night without resting much. + +The next day Eumolpus, when he found Tryphœna was stirring, went to +visit Lycas; and after he had talk'd with him about the happy voyage +he hop'd from the clearness of the heavens, Lycas, turning to +Tryphœna, "Methoughts," said he, "about midnight the vision of +Priapus appear'd to me, and told me, he had lately brought into my +ship Encolpius that I sought for": Tryphœna was startl'd, "And +you'd swear we slept together," reply'd she, "for methoughts the image +of Neptune having struck his trident thrice against the Bajœ, told +me that in Lycas' ship I shou'd meet my Gito." + +"Hence, proceeds," said Eumolpus, interrupting 'em, "that veneration I +pay the divine Epicurus, who so wittily has discovered such illusions. + + "When in a dream presented to our view, + Those airy forms appear so like the true; + Nor heaven nor hell the fancy'd visions sends, + But every breast its own delusion lends: + For when soft sleep the body wraps in ease, + And from th' unactive mass our fancy frees, + Whatever 'tis in which we take delight, + And think of most by day, we dream at night. + Thus he, the now sackt city justly fear'd, + Who all around had death and ruin shar'd. + From fancy'd darts believes a darkned sky, + And troops retreating in confusion fly: + There the sad funeral pomp of kings; here + Conscious plains, half drown'd in blood, appear + He that by day has nois'd it at the bar, + Of knaves and fools now sees the great resort, + And to meet justice vainly fears in court. + Misers amidst their heaps are raising new, + And think they oft their old hid treasure view. + And huntsmen the imagin'd chace pursue. + The merchant dreams of wrecks, the ship wou'd save, + Or now, by sinking it, himself preserve. + The mistress to her distant lover writes; + And, as awake, with flames and darts indites: + The good wife dreaming of her stallion's charms, + Oft seeks the pleasure in her cuckold's arms. + Dogs on full cry, in sleep, the hare pursue, + And hapless wretches their old griefs renew." + +But Lycas, when he had thank'd his stars for their care of him, "That +we may not seem," said he, "to condemn the divine powers, what hinders +but we search the vessel?" + +Upon which one Æsius, the passenger that had discover'd us by our +reflection in the water, cry'd out, "these are the men that were +shav'd by moonshine to night. Heaven avert the omen! I thought the +ceremony of cutting the nails and hair, was never perform'd but as a +solemn sacrifice to appease a storm." + +"Is 't so," says Lycas, in a great heat, "did any in the ship offer to +shave themselves, and at midnight too? Bring 'em quickly hither, that +I may know who they are that deserve to die a sacrifice for our +safety." + +"'Twas I," quoth Eumolpus, "commanded it, not wishing ill to the ship, +but ease to my self; for they are my slaves, and having long staring +hairs, I order'd the uncomely sight to be taken away; not only that I +might not seem to make a prison of the ship; but that the mark of +their villany might more plainly appear; and to let you know how +richly they deserve the punishment; among other rogueries, they rob'd +me of a considerable sum of money, and spent it with all the luxury of +rich debauches, on a trull that was at both their services, whom I +catcht them with last night. In short, they yet smell of the wine +they profusely gave themselves with my money." + +Lycas, that the offenders might atone for their crime, order'd each of +them forty stripes; we were immediately brought to the place of +execution; where the enrag'd seamen set upon us with ropes-ends, and +try'd to offer our blood a sacrifice for their safety. I bore three +stripes very heroically. Gito, who had not so much passive valour at +the first blow, set up such an out-cry that the known sound of his +voice reach'd Tryphœna's ear; who in great disorder attended with +her maids, that were all like her self surpriz'd at the voice, run to +the sufferer. + +Gito's admirable beauty had soften'd their rage, and seem'd without +speaking to intreat their favour; when the maids unanimously cry'd +out, "'tis Gito, 'tis Gito; hold your barbarous hands, help madam, +'tis Gito!" + +Tryphœna to their cry inclin'd her ears, that already had +anticipated her belief, and with eager haste flew to the boy. + +Upon which Lycas that knew me very well, as much satisfied as he had +heard my voice, ran to me, and taking my other parts on content, sed +contiguo ad inguina mea luminibus deflexis movit officiosam manum +"your servant Encolpius," says he, "'twill be no wonder how Euryclea +that nurs'd Ulysses, at his return after twenty years absence, shou'd +know him by a scar on his forehead, when 'tis consider'd, the most +discreet Lycas, not beholden to the marks of any seen part of the +body, so judiciously discover'd me by the most hid:" Tryphœna, +having cheated herself into a belief that those marks of slavery we +wore on our foreheads were real, wept; and began in a low voice, to +inquire what prison cou'd stop us in our rambles; or whose cruel hands +cou'd finish such a punishment without reluctancy. "I confess," added +she, "they deserve some punishment with whom their masters are so +justly angry." + +Lycas was in great heat at Tryphœna's tenderness. "And thou +foolish woman," said he, "can you believe, those marks were cut before +the ink was laid? We should be too happy were those stains not to be +rub'd off, and had justly been, as they design'd us, the subject of +their laughter, if we had suffer'd our selves to be so grossly impos'd +on in a sham inscription." + +Tryphœna, who was not yet unmindful of our former amours, wou'd +have pity'd us. When Lycas, still resenting the abuse he received in +his vitiated wife, and the affronts at the porch of Hercules' temple, +with greater rage cry'd out, "I thought you had been convinc'd, +Tryphœna, that Heaven has the care of humane affairs, when it not +only brought our enemies into our power, which they strove to avoid, +but reveal'd it in a vision to us both; see what you'l get by +pardoning them, whom Heaven it self has brought to punishment, for my +part, I am not naturally so cruel, but am afraid the judgment I shou'd +prevent from justly falling upon others, may light on my own head." + +This superstitious harangue, turn'd Tryphœna from hindring our +punishment to hasten its execution. When she began afresh as highly +to resent the former affronts that was offer'd her, as Lycas did the +repute of his modesty that he had lost in the peoples esteem. + +When Lycas found Tryphœna was with himself eagerly inclin'd to +revenge, he order'd to increase our punishments, which when Eumolpus +perceiv'd, he endeavour'd to mitigate after this manner. + +"I pity the wretches," said he, "that lie at your mercy. Lycas, they +implore your compassion, and choosing me as a man not altogether +unknown to 'em to perform the office, desire to be reconcil'd to them +they once held most dear. Can you believe, 'twas by accident they +fell into your hands, when all passengers make it their chief business +to enquire to whose care they are to trust themselves? When you are +satisfied of their intentions, can you be so barbarous to continue +your revenge, but suffer free-born men to go uninjur'd where they have +design'd. Even barbarous and implacable masters allay their cruelty +when their slaves repent; and all give quarter to the enemy that +surrenders himself. What can you, or will you desire more? You have +at your feet repenting supplicants; they're gentlemen, and men of +worth; and what's more prevailing than both, were once caress'd as +your dearest friends. Had they rob'd you of your money, or betray'd +your trust, by Hercules the punishment they've inflicted on themselves +might have satisfied your rage; don't you see the marks of slaves on +their faces; who, though free, to attone their injuries to you, +proscrib'd themselves." + +"To avoid confusion," interrupted Lycas, "give me a reason for all +particulars as I shall ask you; and first, if they came with design to +surrender themselves, why did they cut off their hair? for all +disguises are assum'd rather to deceive than satisfie the injur'd. + +"Next, if they expected to ingratiate them selves by their +embassadour, why have you endeavoured in everything, to conceal them +you were to speak for? whence it plainly appears, 'twas by accident +the offenders were brought to punishment, and that you have us'd this +artifice to divert our suspicion. Sure you thought to raise our envy, +by ringing in our ears, that they were gentlemen, and men of worth; +but have a care their cause don't suffer by your impudence; what +shou'd the injur'd do when the guilty come to 'em to be punisht? And +if they were my friends, they deserve to be more severely treated; for +he that wrongs a stranger is call'd a rogue, but he that serves a +friend so, is little less than a parricide." + +"I am sencible," said Eumolpus, answering this dreadful harangue, +"that nothing cou'd happen to these unhappy young men more unfortunate +than the cutting their hair off at midnight, which is the only +argument that may perswade you to mistake their voluntary coming here, +for accidental; but I shall as candidly endeavour to undeceive you, as +it was innocently acted: before they imbarkt they had designs to ease +their heads of that, as troublesome as useless weight, but the +unexpected wind that hasten'd us on board, made 'em defer it; nor did +they suspect it to be of any moment where 'twas done, being equally +ignorant of the ill omen, and customs of mariners." + +"What advantage," reply'd Lycas, "cou'd they propose to themselves by +the loss of their hair? unless they thought baldness might sooner +raise our compassion: Or can you believe I wou'd be satisfy'd in your +relation? when addressing himself to me, What poyson, said he, thou +villain, has eat your hair off? To what god have your sacrilegious +hands offer'd it?" + +The fear of punishment struck me speechless; nor cou'd I find any +thing to urge in my defence against so plain an accusation. Then the +confusion I was in, my disfigur'd face, with the equal baldness of my +head and eye-brows, gave a ridiculous air to everything I said or did; +but when they wip'd us with a wet spunge, the letters melting into +one, spread o'er our faces such a sooty cloud that turn'd Lycas's rage +to a perfect loathing. Eumolpus cou'd not endure to see free-born men +against all law and justice so abus'd, and returning their threats +with blows, not only was our advocate but champion too. He was +seconded by his man, and two or three sick passengers appear'd our +friends, that serv'd rather to encourage us, than encrease our force. + +Upon which I was so far from begging pardon, that without any respect +I held my fists at Tryphœna, and plainly told her she shou'd feel +me, if her lecherous ladiship, who only in the ship deserv'd to be +punisht, was not content to decline her pretentions to Gito. + +The angry Lycas was all rage at my impudence; and very impatient of +revenge when he found, without any concern for my own cause, I stood +up for another's. + +Nor was Tryphœna less disturb'd at my contempt of her; at what time +every one in the vessel choose his side and put himself in a posture +of defence. + +On our side Eumolpus's slave distributed the instruments of his trade, +and reserv'd a razor to defend his own person; on the other, +Tryphœna and her attendants advanc'd, armed with nothing but their +nails and tongues; which last supply'd the want of drums in their +army; when the pilot, crying out, threaten'd he wou'd leave the ship +to the mercy of the waves if they continued the bustle rais'd about +the lust of two or three vagabonds. + +This did not in the least retard the fight; they pressing for revenge, +we for our lives: in short, many fell half dead on both sides; others +withdrew, as from greater armies, to be drest of their wounds; yet +this damps not the rage of either side. + +Then the bold Gito, drawing out that part of him Tryphœna most +admired, clapt a bloody razor to't, and threaten'd to cut away the +cause of all our misfortunes, but Tryphœna did not faintly send to +prevent so cruel an act: I often offer'd at my throat too, but with as +little design to kill my self as Gito to do what he threaten'd: he the +more boldly handl'd his because he knew it to be the same blunt razor +he had us'd before; which made Tryphœna very apprehensive of his +tragic intentions. + +Upon this, both sides drew up their ranks, when the pilot perceiving +how commical a war it was, with much ado was perswaded to let +Tryphœna dispatch an herald to capitulate: Articles immediately +according to the custom of countries being mutually agreed off on both +sides; Tryphœna snatcht an olive-branch, the ensign of peace, that +stuck to the image of prosperity pictur'd in the ship, and holding it +in the midst of us, thus addrest her self. + + "What fury did these sudden broils engage, + How have their guiltless hands deserv'd your rage? + No Paris a stol'n dame to Troy conveys, + No witch Media here her brother slays: + But slighted love must needs resenting be: + And midst the waves who is the raging he + Now rob'd of arms that can attempt my fate? + By whom is simple death so little thought? + Let not your murderous rage out storm the seas, + And dangers of the angry waves increase." + +When in a great heat Tryphœna had thus said, both armies stood +still a while, and reviving the treaty of peace, put a stop to the +war. Our captain Eumolpus prudently us'd the occasion of her +repentance, and having first severely chastiz'd Lycas, sign'd the +articles, which were as follow. + +"Tryphœna, you do from the bottom of your heart, as you are in +perfect mind, promise never to complain of any injury you have +receiv'd from Gito; nor mention, upbraid him with, or study to revenge +directly or indirectly any action of his before this day; and to +prevent your forcing him to an unwilling compliance, be it further +agreed, that you never kiss, coll, or bring him to a closer hug, +without the forfeiture of 100 denarii: And for better security, that +you always pay your mony, before you have your ware. + +"Item, you Lycas, from the bottom of your heart, as you are in perfect +mind; do promise never to reproach, or insultingly treat Encolpius, +either in words, or gestures: But, on the forfeiture of 200 denarii +for each time you abuse him, behind his back." + +Conditions thus agreed on, we laid down our arms: And, least any +grudge might still remain, wipe off the memory of all things past, in +repeated kisses. + +All quarrels expir'd in universal shouts, and a sumptuous banquet that +followed, spread equal mirth through the whole company: The vessel +rung with songs, the ensigns of their joy: and the occasion of a +sudden calm, gave other diversions: Here a little artist bob'd for +fish, that rising, seem'd with haste to meet their ruin: There another +draws the unwilling prey, that he had betray'd on the hook, with an +inviting bait: When looking up, we saw sea-birds sitting on the +sail-yard, about which, one skill'd in that art having plac'd +lime-twigs, made 'em his booty. Their downy feathers, the air whirl'd +about: The other, the sea vainly tost too and fro. + +Now Lycas began to be friends with me: and Tryphœna, as a mark of +her love, threw the bottom of her wine upon Gito: At what time, +Eumolpus, quite drunk, aim'd at rallery on those that were bald and +branded; till having spent his life-less stock, he return'd to his +verses; and designing an elegy on the loss of hair, thus began. + + Nature's chief ornament, the hair is lost, + Those vernal locks, feel winter's blast: + Now the bald temples mown their banish'd shade, + And bristles shine o' the sun-burnt head. + The joys, deceitful nature does first pay + Our age, it snatches first away. + Unhappy mortal, that but now + The lovely grace of hair, did'st know: + Bright as the sun's or Cynthia's beams, + Now worse than brass, and only seems + Like th' mushroom, that in gardens springs. + From sporting girls, you'll frighted run, + And that death will the sooner come: + Know that part of your head is gone. + +He wou'd have condemn'd us to hear more, and I believe worse than the +former; if an attendant of Tryphœna, had not disturb'd him: who +taking Gito aside, dress'd him up in her mistresses tower; and to +restore him perfectly to his former figure, drawing false eye-brows +out of her patch-box, placed 'em so exactly, Nature might have +mistaken 'em for her own work. + +At the sight of the true Gito, Tryphœna wept for joy: Who, not +before, cou'd hug him with so real a satisfaction. + +I was glad to see his loss so well repair'd: Yet, often hid my head, +as sensible I appear'd with no common deformity, whom even Lycas +thought not worth speaking to: But 'twas not long e'er the same maid +came to my relief, and calling me aside, dress'd me in a peruke no +less agreeable: for being of golden locks, it rather improv'd my +complexion. + +But, Eumolpus, our advocate, and reconciler, to entertain the company, +and keep up the mirth, began to be pleasant on the inconstancy of +women: how forward they were to love, how soon they forgot their +sparks: and that no woman was so chast, but her untry'd lust, might be +rais'd to a fury: nor wou'd he bring instances from ancient tragedies, +or personages celebrated in antiquity: but entertain us, if we wou'd +please to hear, with a story within the circle of his own memory: upon +which the eyes and ears of all were devoted to him: who thus began. + +"There was at Ephesus a lady, of so celebrated virtue, that the women +of neighbouring nations came to join their admiration with that of her +own country: This lady at the death of her husband not content with +tearing her hair, or beating her breast, those common expressions of +grief; but following him into the vault, where the body plac'd in a +monument, she, after the Græcian custom, watch'd the corps, and +whole nights and days continu'd weeping; the perswasions of parents +nor relations cou'd divert her grief, or make her take anything to +preserve life, the publick officers at last, she guarding the body for +'em, left the vault; and lamented by all for so singular an example of +grief, liv'd thus five days without eating. + +"All left her but a faithful maid, who with tears supply'd her +afflicted lady, and as often as the lamp they had by, began to expire, +renew'd the light; by this time she became the talk of the whole town; +and all degrees of men confest, she was the only true example of love +and chastity. + +"In the meantime there happening a trial of criminals, the condemn'd +were order'd to be crucify'd near the vault in which the lady was +weeping o're the corps of her late husband. The soldier that guarded +the bodies lest any might be taken from the cross and bury'd, the +night after observ'd a light in the vault, and hearing the groans of +some afflicted person, prest with a curiosity common to mankind, he +desired to know, who, or what it was? Upon which he enter'd the +vault, and seeing a very beautiful woman, amaz'd at first, he fancy'd +'twas a spirit, but viewing the dead body, and considering her tears +and torn face, he soon guest, as it was, that the lady cou'd not bear +the loss of her husband: he brings his supper with him into the vault, +and began to perswade the mournful lady not to continue her +unnecessary grief, nor with vain complaints consume her health: That +death was common to all men; and many other things he told her, that +use to restore afflicted persons to that calmness they before enjoy'd: +But she mov'd anew at the comfort a stranger offer'd, redoubl'd her +grief, and tearing her hair, cast it on the body that lay before her. + +"The souldier however did not withdraw, but with the like invitations +offer'd her somewhat to eat, till her maid o'recome, I presume, by the +pleasing scent of the wine, no longer cou'd resist the soldier's +courtesie. When refresht with the entertainment she began to join her +perswasions to win her lady; 'and what advantage,' began she, 'wou'd +you reap in starving your self? in burying your self alive? What +wou'd it signifie to anticipate your fate?' + +"'D'ye think departed souls will value it?' + +"'Will you, madam, in spite of Fate, revive your husband? Or will you +shake off these vain complaints, the marks of our sex's weakness, and +enjoy the world while you may? The very body that lyes there might +make you envy life. We don't unwillingly obey when we're commanded to +eat or live.' The lady now dry with so long fasting, suffer'd her self +to be o'recome; nor was she less pleas'd with her entertainment, than +her maid, that first surrendered. You know with what thoughts +encouraging meats inspire young persons. With the same charms our +souldier had won her to be in love with life, he addrest himself as a +lover; nor did his person appear less agreeable to the chaste lady, +than his conversation; and the maid, to raise her opinion of him, thus +apply'd her self: + + "And arm'd with pleasing love dare you ingage, + E're you consider in whose tents you are?" + +"To make short; nor even in this cou'd the lady deny him any thing: +Thus our victorious souldier succeeded in both; she receiv'd his +imbraces; not only that night they struck up the bargain, but the next +and third day: Having shut the door of the vault, that if any of her +acquaintances or strangers had come out of curiosity to see her, they +might have believ'd the most chaste of all women, had expir'd on the +body of her husband. Our souldier was so taken with his beautiful +mistress, and the privacy of injoying her, that the little money he +was master of, he laid out for her entertainment, and, as soon as +'twas night, convey'd it into the vault. + +"In the mean time the relations of one of the malefactors, finding the +body unguarded, drew it from the cross and bury'd it. The souldier +thus rob'd while he was in the vault, the next day, when he perceiv'd +one of the bodies gone, dreading the punishment, he told the lady what +had happened; and, added that with his sword he wou'd prevent the +judges sentence; if so be she wou'd please to give him burial, and +make that place at once the fatal monument of a lover and a husband. + +"'The lady, not less merciful than chast; 'Nor wou'd Heaven allow,' +said she, 'that I shou'd at once feel the loss of the only two in the +world I hold most dear; I'd rather hang up the dead body of the one, +than be the wicked instrument of the other's death.' Upon which she +order'd her husband's body to be taken out of the coffin, and fixt to +the cross, in the room of that which was wanting: Our souldier pursued +the directions of the discreet lady, and the next day the people +wonder'd for what reason that body was hung on the cross." + +The seamen were pleas'd with the story. Tryphœna not a little +asham'd, lovingly apply'd her cheek to Gito's, and hid her blushes: +but Lycas wore an air of displeasure, and knitting his brows, said he, +"if the governour had been a just man, he ought to have restor'd the +husband's body to his monument, and hung the woman on the cross." I +don't doubt it made him reflect on his own wife, and the whole scene +of our lust when we rob'd his vessel. But the articles he agreed to, +oblig'd him not to complain; and the mirth that ingag'd us gave him no +opportunity to vent his rage. + +Tryphœna entertain'd her self in Gito's arms, pressing oft his neck +with eager kisses, and oft disposing his new ornament, to make it +appear more agreeable to his face. + +At this I was not a little out of humour, and impatient of our new +league, cou'd neither eat nor drink any thing: but with side-looks +wisht a thousand curses on them both; every kiss and every look she +gave him, wounded me. Nor did I yet know whether I had more reason to +repent the loss of my mistress, or my comrade; he having rob'd me of +her; and she deluded him from my arms: Both were worse than death to +me. And to compleat my misery, neither Tryphœna spoke to me as her +acquaintance, and once grateful lover; nor did Gito think me worth +drinking to; or what's the least he cou'd, common discourse with him: +I believe he was tender of the new return of her favours, and afraid +to give her another occasion to fall out with him: Grief forc'd a +flood of tears from my eyes, and I stifl'd my complaints, till I was +ready to expire. + +When Lycas perceiv'd how well, tho' in this trouble my yellow ornament +became me, he was inflam'd afresh; and viewing me with lovers eyes, +addressed himself as such, when laying aside the haughty brow of a +master, he put on the tender complacency of a friend: but his +endeavours were fruitless. At last meeting with an intire repulse, +his love turning to a fury, he endeavour'd to ravish the favours he +could not win by intreaty; at what time Tryphœna unexpectedly came +in, and observing his wantonness; in the greatest confusion he hid his +head, and ran from her. + +Upon which the more lustful Tryphœna askt, and made me tell her, +what those wanton caresses meant; she was inspired with new heat at +the relation; and mindful of our old amours, offer'd to revive our +former commerce; but worn off my legs with those employments, I gave +her invitations but an ill return; yet she with all the desires of a +woman transported by her passion, threw her arms about me, and so +closely lockt me in her imbraces, I was forc'd to cry out; one of her +maids came in at the noise, and easily believing I wou'd force from +her the favours I had deny'd her mistress, rusht between, and loos'd +the bands: Tryphœna meeting with such a repulse, and even raging +with desire, took it more grievous at my hands, and with threats at +her going off, flew to Lycas; not only to raise his resentments +against me, but to join with him in pursuit of revenge. + +By the way observe, I had formerly been well receiv'd by this +attendant of Tryphœna, when I maintain'd a commerce with her +mistress, upon that score she resented my converse with Tryphœna, +and deeply sighing, made me eager to know the occasion; when she, +stepping back, thus began, "If you had any sparks of the gentleman in +you, you'd value her no more than a common prostitute; if you were a +man you wou'd not descend to such a jakes." These thoughts not a +little disturb'd her; but I was asham'd of nothing more, than that +Eumolpus, suspecting the occasion, shou'd in his next verses make our +suppos'd quarrel the subject of his drollery; and lest my care to +avoid it shou'd prove no means of discovering it. + +When I was contriving how to prevent his suspicion, Eumolpus himself +came in, already acquainted with what was done; for Tryphœna had +communicated her grief to Gito, and endeavour'd at his cost to +compensate the injury I had offer'd her. Upon which Eumolpus was on +fire, and the more, because her wantonness was an open breach of the +articles she had sign'd. + +When the old doctor saw me, pitying my misfortune, he desir'd to know +the whole scene from my self; I freely told him of the gamesomeness of +the lewd Lycas, and Tryphœna's lustful assault, that he was already +well inform'd of; upon which, in a solemn oath, he swore to vindicate +our cause, and that Heaven was too just to suffer so many crimes to go +unpunisht. + +While we were thus ingag'd a storm arose; now thick clouds, and th' +inrag'd flood eclypst the day, the seamen fly to their posts as fast +as fear cou'd make 'em; and, pulling down the sails, leave the vessel +to the mercy of the tempest; for the uncertain winds made them +hopeless of any direct course; nor did the pilot know which way to +steer; sometimes the unguided ship was forc'd on the coast of Sicily, +often by contrary winds 'twas tost near Italy; and what was more +dangerous than all, on a sudden the gathering clouds spread such +horrid darkness all around, that the pilot cou'd not see over the +fore-castle; upon which all despair'd of safety; when Lycas threw +himself before me, and lifting up his trembling hands, "I beseech you +Encolpius," began he, "assist the distress'd, that is restore the +sacred vest and timbrel you took from the image of the goddess Isis; +be merciful as you are wont.'' At what time a whirlwind snatcht him +up, and threw him howling midst the flood, and soon a spiteful wave +just shew'd him us, and drew him back again. + +Tryphœna, hastily taken up by her faithful attendants, and plac'd +with her chief goods in the skiff, avoided a most certain death. + +I, lockt in Gito's arms, not without tears, cry'd out, "And this we +have merited of Heaven, that only death should joyn us; but even now I +fear fortune will be against it; for see the waves threaten to +o'erturn the vessel; and now the tempest comes to burst the lov'd +bands that unite us; therefore if you really love Encolpius, let's +kiss while we may, and snatch this last joy even in spite of our +approaching fate." + +When I had thus said, Gito threw off his mantle, and getting under +mine, thrust his head out at top to reach my lips; but that the most +malicious wave might not ravish us asunder, he girt himself to me with +the thong that bound his wallet; and "'tis some comfort," said he, "to +think that by this the sea will bear us longer e're it can divorce us +from each other's arms. Or, if in compassion it shou'd throw us on +the same shore, either the next that passes by wou'd give us a +monument of stone, that by the common laws of humanity he wou'd cast +upon us; or at least the angry waves, that seem to conspire our +separation, wou'd unwittingly bury us in one grave, with the sand +their rage wou'd vomit up." I was satisfy'd with my chain, and, as on +my death-bed, did now contentedly expect the coming hour. + +In the mean time the tempest, acting the decrees of Fate, had rent all +the rigging from the vessel; no mast, no rudder left, not a rope or +plank, but an awkward shapeless body of a ship tost up and down the +flood. + +The fisher-men that inhabited the sea-side, expecting a booty, in all +haste put out with their boats; but when they saw those in the vessel +that cou'd defend their own; they chang'd their design of pillaging to +succouring. + +After a salute on both sides, unwonted murmurs, lilre that of some +beast, labouring to get out, proceeded from beneath the master's +cabin; upon which, following the sound, we found Eumolpus sitting +alone, and in his hand a large scroll of paper that he was filling, +even to the margent, with verses; we all were amaz'd to see a man +amuse himself with poetry, at a time when he had reason to think each +minute wou'd be his last, and having drawn him, malcing a great noise, +from his hole, we endeavour'd to recover him from his frenzy; but he +was in such a heat to be disturb'd, that "'Sdeath," said he, "let me +make an end of this couplet, it finishes the poem;" on which I took +hold of the mad man, and order'd the still murmuring poet to be hall'd +on shore. + +When with some trouble we had got him on shore, we very pensively +enter'd one of the fishermen's huts, and howe're we feasted on our +meats the sea had corrupted, we had no comfortable night of 't. + +The next day, as we were proposing how to bestow our selves, we +discover'd an human body floating on a little wave that made to shore: +I stood still concern'd, and began with more diligence to see, if what +was presented to our view was real. + +When, finding it to be a man's: and "who knows," I cry'd out, "but +this wretch's wife, in some part of the world, secure at home, may +expect his coming; or perhaps a son, ignorant of the fatal storm, may +wait the wisht arrival of his father; who with so many kisses seal'd +his unwilling parting: These are our great designs! vain mortals swell +with promising hopes, yet there's the issue of them all! see the +mighty nothing how it's tost!" + +When I had thus bemoan'd the wretch, as one unknown, the sea cast him +on land with his face, not much disfigur'd, toward Heaven; upon which +I made up to it, and easily knew that the but now terrible and +implacable Lycas was lying at my feet. + +I could not restrain my tears; but, beating my breast, "Now where's," +said I, "your rage? where your unruly passions? now you're expos'd a +prey to fish and beasts; and the poor shipwrackt wretch, with all his +boasted power, now has not one plank of the great ship he proudly +call'd his own. After this, let mortals flatter themselves with +golden dreams, let the weary miser heap up ill-got wealth for many +years; 'twas but yesterday this lifeless thing was priding in its +riches, and had fixt the very day he thought to return. How short, +alas! eyes the poor wretch of his design! but 'tis not the sea only we +should fear: one the wars deceive; another by some accidental ruin, +even at the altar, meets a grave; third by a fall in running +anticipates his arrival to the goal; eating oft kills the greedy; and +abstinence the temperate. If we rightly consider it in this sea of +life we may be shipwrackt every where; but we vainly lament the want +of burial to a wretch that's drowned; as if it concern'd the perishing +carcass, whether flames, worms, or fishes were its cannibals. +Whatever way you are consum'd, the end of all 's the same. But fish, +they object, will tear their bodies; as if their teeth were less +gentle than the flames; a punishment that we believe is the highest we +can inflict on slaves that have provok'd us; therefore what madness is +'t to trouble our lives with the cares of our burial after we're dead; +when the best of us may meet the fate he vainly strives with so much +diligence to avoid?" + +After these reflections, we perform'd the last office for the dead, +and tho' his enemies, honour'd him with a funeral pile; but while +Eumolpus was making an epitaph, his eyes roam'd here and there, to +find an image that might raise his fancy. + +When we had willingly acquitted our selves of this piece of humanity +to Lycas, we pursu'd our design'd journey, and all in a sweat soon. +reacht the head of a neighbouring hill, from whence we discovered a +town seated on the top of a high mountain; we did not know it, till a +shepherd inform'd us 'twas Crotona; the most ancient and once most +flourishing city of Italy; when we enquir'd of him what sort of people +inhabited this renown'd place, and what kind of commerce they chiefly +maintain'd, since they were impoverish'd by so many wars? + +"Gentlemen," said he, "if you have designs of trading, you must go +another way; but if you're of the admir'd sort of men, that have the +thriving qualifications of lying and cheating, you're in the direct +path to business; for in this city no learning flourisheth, eloquence +has not a room here; temperance, good manners, nor any virtue can meet +a reward; assure your selves of finding but two sorts of men, and they +are the cheated, and those that cheat. A father takes no care of his +children, because the having of heirs is such a mark of infamy, that +he who is known in that circumstance, dares not appear at any publick +game or show, is deny'd all publick priviledges, and only herds among +those that all men piss upon. But single men, who have no tyes of +nature that oblige the disposal of their wealth, are caress'd by all, +and have the greatest honours confer'd on 'em; they are the only +valorous, the only brave; nay, and only innocent too. You're going to +a city," added he, "like a field in a plague-time, where you can +observe nothing but one man devouring another, as crows dead +carcasses." + +The prudent Eumolpus, as a thing so surprizingly new, began to be +thoughtful, and confest that way to riches did not displease him. I +believ'd it the effect of a poetick gaiety, that had not left his +years. When, "I wish," continued he, "I cou'd maintain a greater +figure, as well in habit as attendants, 'twou'd give a better colour +to my pretences: By Hercules, I'd throw by the wallet, and soon +advance all our fortunes." + +Promising therefore to supply his wants, "we have with us," said I, +"the sacred vest of Isis, and all the booty we made at Lycurgus's +village; and you have given me such hopes, Eumolpus," added I, "that +were the goddess her self in my power, I'd pawn her for money to carry +on the design." + +Upon which, said Eumolpus, "why delay we the bringing of our hands in +use? and if you like the proposal let me be called your master." + +None e're condemned a project that was no charge to him; therefore to +be true to his interests, we engag'd in an oath before we wou'd +discover the cheat to suffer ten thousand racks; and thus like +free-born gladiators selling our liberty, we religiously devoted both +soul and body to our new master. + +After the solemn ceremonies of our oath were ended; like slaves, at a +distance, we salute the master of our own making. When beginning to +exercise his authority, he commanded us to report that our ancient +lord (meaning him) griev'd at the loss of a son, who was a great +orator and comfort to his age, was unhappily forc'd to quit the place +of his abode, lest the daily salutes of those that expected preferment +under him, or visits of his companions, might be the continual +occasions of tears; and the late shipwrack had added to his grief, +having lost to the value of twenty thousand crowns; tho' he was not so +much concern'd at the loss of his money, as of his large retinue; +that, he fear'd, would make them not proportion their thoughts to his +greatness; and to add, that our lord had mortgages on half the estates +in Africa, and mighty sums at use on personal security; and cou'd +raise of his own gladiators, disperst about Numidia, a force able to +plunder Carthage. + +After this, that his actions might agree with his condition, 'twas +concluded necessary to wear an air of discontent; that he should with +a stately stiffness, like quality, often cough, and spit about the +room; that his words might come the more faintly from him; that in the +eye of the world he shou'd refuse to eat or drink; ever talking of +riches, and sometimes, to confirm their belief, shou'd break into +these words; Strange that such or such a seat shou'd disappoint my +expectation, that us'd to be blest with so large an increase! And +that nothing might be wanting to compleat the humour, as often as he +had occasion to call any of us, he shou'd use one name for another; +that it might easily appear how mindful the lord was even of those +servants he had left in Africk. + +Matters thus order'd, having, as all that wou'd thrive in the world, +implor'd the assistance of Heaven, we began our march, but both Gito +did not like his new slavery, and Eumolpus's hir'd servant, bearing +most of our baggage, in a little time beginning to be uneasie in his +service, wou'd often rest his burden; and with ten thousand wry looks, +and as many curses for our going so fast, at last swore he would +either leave his charge, or go quite away with 't. "'Sdeath," said +he, "d'ye think I'm a pack-horse, or a dray, that you load me thus? I +was hir'd for a man, not a horse; nor am I less a gentleman by birth +than any of you all; tho' my father left me in a mean condition." Nor +content with reproaches, but getting before us, he lift up one leg, +and, venturing his choler at the wrong end, filled our nostrils with a +beastly scent. + +Gito mockt his humour, and for every crack he gave, return'd the like, +that one ill-scent might stifle another. + +But, even here, Eumolpus returning to his old humour: "Young men," +began he, "this poetry deceives many; for not only every one that is +able to give a verse its numbers, and spin out his feble sence in a +long train of words, has the vanity to think himself inspir'd; but +pleaders at the bar, when they wou'd give themselves a loose from +business, apply themselves to poetry, as an entertainment without +trouble; believing it easier to compile a poem than maintain a +controversie, adorn'd with a few florid sentences. But neither will a +generous spirit affect the empty sound of words; nor can a mind, +unless enricht with learning, be deliver'd of a birth of poetry; there +must be the purity of language, no porterly expression, or meanness, +as I may call it, of words is to be admitted; but a stile perfectly +above the common, and with Horace,-- + + "'Scorn the unletter'd herd, + And drive 'em from you.' + +"Besides, you must be strictly diligent, that your expressions appear +of a piece with the body of the discourse, and your colours so laid, +that each may contribute to the beauty of the whole. Greece has given +us a Homer and the Lyricks for example; Rome a Virgil and an Horace; +the purity of whose language is so happily correct, others either +never saw the path that leads to poetry, or seeing, were afraid to +tread it. To describe the civil wars of Rome would be a master-piece, +the unletter'd head that offers at it, will sink beneath the weight of +so great a work; for to relate past actions, is not so much the +business of a poet, as an historian; the boundless genius of a poet +strikes through all mazes, introduces gods, and puts the invention on +the rack for poetick ornaments; that it may rather seem a prophetick +fury, than a strict relation, with witnesses of meer truth. As for +example, this rapture, tho' I have not given it the last hand. + + "Now Rome reign'd Empress o're the vanquished ball, + As far as earth and seas, obey'd by all: + Uneasie yet, with more desires she's curst, + And boundless, as her empire, is her thirst. + In burden'd vessels now they travelled o're + The furrow'd deep to seas unknown before: + And any hidden part of land or sea, + That gold afforded, was an enemy. + Thus fate the seeds of civil fury rais'd, + When great in wealth no common pleasure pleas'd. + Delights more out of fashion by the town: + Th' souldiers scarlet now from Spain must come; + The purple of the sea contemn'd is grown. + India with silks, Africk with precious stone, + Arabia with its spices hither come, + And with their ruin raise the pride of Rome. + But other spoils, destructive to her peace, + Rome's ruin bode, and future ills encrease: + Through Libyan desarts are wild monsters chas'd. + And the remotest parts of Africk trac'd: + Where the unwieldy elephant that's ta'en, + For fatal value of his tooth is slain. + Uncommon tygers are imported here, + And triumphant in the theatre; + Where, while devouring jaws on men they try, + The people clap to see their fellows die. + But oh! who can without a blush relate + The horrid scene of their approaching fate? + When Persian customs, fashionable grown, + Made nature start, and her best work disown, + Male infants are divorc'd from all that can, + By timely progress ripen into man. + Thus circling nature dampt, a while restrain + Her hasty course, and a pause remains; + Till working a return t'her wonted post, + She seeks her self, and to her self is lost. + The herd of fops the frantick humour take, + Each keeps a capon, loves its mincing gate, + Its flowing hair, and striving all it can, + In changing mode and dress, t' appear a man. + Behold the wilder luxury of Rome, + From Africk furniture, slaves, tables come, + And purple carpets made in Africk loom. + Thus their estates run out, while all around + The sot-companions in their wine are drown'd; + The souldier loads, neglected is his sword, + With all his spoils the dearly noble board: + Rome's appetite grows witty, and what's caught + In Sicily, to their boards are living brought: + But stomachs gorg'd, (a dearer luxury) + Must with expensive sauce new hunger buy. + The Phasian banks, the birds all eaten, gone, + With their forsaken trees in silence moan, + And have no musick but the winds alone. + In Mars's Field no less a frenzie reigns, + Where brib'd assemblies make a prey of gains. + Their servile votes obey the chink of gold, + A people and a senate to be sold! + The senate's self, which should our rights maintain, + From their free spirits, stoop to sordid gain, + The power of right by gold corrupted dies, + And trampled majesty beneath it lies: + Cato's pretence the giddy rout neglect, + Yet did not him, but him they rais'd deject: + Who, tho' he won, with conscious blushes stands, + Asham'd o' th' Power he took from worthier hands. + O manners, ruin, and the people's shame! + He suffer'd not alone, the Roman name, + Virtue and honour to their period came. + Thus wretched Rome does her own ruin share, + At once the merchant, and at once the ware, + All lands are mortgag'd, and all persons bound, + And in the use the principal is drown'd. + Thus debt's a feaver, and like that disease, + Bred in our bowels, by unfelt degrees + Will through our thirsty vitals ev'ry member seize + Wild tumults now to arms for succour call, + (For what may dare and never fear a fall.) + Wasted by riot, wealth's a putrid sore, + That only wounds can its lost strength restore. + What rules of reason, or soft gentle ways, + Rome from this lethargy of vice can raise? + Where such mild arts can no impression make, + War, tumult, noise and fury must awake. + Fortune one age with three great chiefs supply'd, + Who different ways, by the sword that rais'd 'em dy'd; + Crassus's blood, Asia; Africk, Pompey's shed; + In thankless Rome, the murder'd Cæsar bled. + Thus as one soil alone too narrow were, + Their glorious dust, and great remains to bear, + O're all the earth their scatter'd ruin lyes; + Such honours to the mighty dead arise. + 'Twixt Naples and Puteoli there is, + Deep in the gaping earth, a dark abys, + Where runs the raging black Cocytus stream, + That from its waters sends a sulphurous stream, + Which spreads its fury round the blasted green, + O're all the fatal compass of its breath, + No verdant autumn crowns the fruitful earth; + No blooming woods with vernal songs resound, + Nothing but black confusion all around, + There lonely rocks in dismal quiet mourn, + Which aged cypress dreadfully adorn. + Here Pluto rais'd his head, and through a cloud + Of fire and smoke, in this prophetick mood, + To giddy fortune spoke,-- + All ruling Power, + You love all change, and quit it soon for more; + You never like what too securely stands; + Does Rome not tire your faint supporting hands? + How can you longer bear the sinking frame, + The Roman youth now hate the Roman name. + See all around luxuriant trophies lye, + And their encreasing wealth new ills supply. + Golden aspiring piles here heav'n invade, + There on the sea encroaching bounds are made. + Where fields contriving as from waters sprung, + Inverted nature's injur'd laws they wrong. + So deep the caverns in the earth some make, + They threat my empire, and my regions shake; + While to low quarries others sink for stone; + And hollow rocks beneath their fury groan. + Proud with the hopes to see another day, + M'infernal subjects 'gin to disobey: + Fortune be kind, still I'le their fure dare, + Turn all your smiles, and stir up Rome to war, + And a new colony of souls prepare. + Our sooty lips no blood have taste, + With thirst Tisiphone's dry throat does wast. + Since Sylla's sword let out the purple flood, + And guilty earth grew fruitful from the blood. + The black grim god did thus to Fortune say, + Reaching her hand, the yielding earth gave way + The fickle goddess, thus returning, said, + Father, by all beneath this earth obey'd, + If dangerous truths may be with safety told, + My thoughts with yours a just proportion hold: + No less a rage this willing breast inspires, + Nor am I prest with less inflam'd desires; + I hate the blessings that to Rome I lent, + And of my bounty, now abus'd, repent: + Thus the proud height of Rome's aspiring wall, + By the same dreadful god 'twas rais'd, shall fall. + Their blood I'll offer as a sacrifice, + T' appease the ghost of their departed vice. + I already see Pharsalian armies slain, + The funeral piles of Thessaly and Spain: + Egypt and Libya's groans methinks I hear, + The dismal sound of arms now strikes my ear, + An Actian sea-fight, and retreating fear. + Make wide the entrance of your thirsty soil, + New spirits must i' th' mighty harvest toil; + Charon's too narrow boat can ne're convey, + Scarce a whole fleet will waft the souls away; + Pale furies be with the vast ruin crown'd, + And fill'd with blood, remangle every wound. + The universal fabrick of the world, + Rent and divided, to your empire's hurl'd. + She scarce had spoke; e'er from a cloud there flyes + A blasting flame, that bursting shook the skyes; + At Jove's avenging thunder, to his hell, + From the clos'd earth, affrighted Pluto fell. + When soon the angry gods their omens show, + That bode destruction and approaching woe: + Astonishment surpriz'd the darkned sun, + As if the war already were begun; + Approaching ills the conscious Cynthia knew, + And blushing, from impiety withdrew. + With hideous noise the falling mountains cleave; + And streams repulst their usual courses leave. + Ingaging armies in the clouds appear, + And trumpets raising Mars himself to war. + Now Ætna's flames with an usual roar + Vomit huge bolts of thunder in the air, + Amidst the tombs and bones without their urns, + Portending spirits send up dismal groans: + A comet's seen with stars unknown before, + And Jove descending in a bloody show'r: + The god these wonders did in short unfold, + Cæsar their ills no longer shou'd with-hold. + Impatient of revenge, quit Gallick jars, + And draw his conquering sword for civil wars. + In cloudy Alps, where the divided rock + To cunning Grecians did its nerves unlock, + Altars devoted to Alcides smoke. + The temple with eternal ice is crown'd, + Whose milky top so far in clouds is drown'd; + You'd think its shoulders in the heavens bound + Not the warm rays of a meridian sun, + Or the hot southern winds can melt it down. + So fixt with ice and snows it did appear, + That its aspiring top the globe might bear. + Here conquering Cæsar leads his joyful bands, + And on the proudest cliff consid'ring stands. + The distant plains of Italy surveys, + And, hands and voice to heaven directed, says + Almighty Jove and you, Saturnia, found, + Safe by my arms, oft with my triumph's crown'd. + Witness these arms unwillingly I wear, + Unwillingly I come to wage this war, + Compell'd by injuries too great to bear. + Banisht my country, while I make the flood, + That laves the Rhine, run purple all with blood. + While the Gauls, ripe our Rome to re-invade, + I force to skulk behind their Alps afraid: + By conquering my banishment's secur'd. + Are sixty triumphs not to be endur'd? + A German conquest reckon'd such a fault? + By whom is glory such a monster thought? + Or who the vile supporters of this war? + A foreign spawn, a mobb in arms appear, + At once Rome's scandal, and at once her care. + No slavish soul shall bind this arm with chains, + And unreveng'd triumph it o're the plains. + Bold with success still to new conquests lead, + Come, my companions, thus my cause I'le plead, + The sword shall plead our cause, for to us all + Does equal guilt, and equal danger, call: + Oblig'd by you I conquer'd, not alone. + Since to be punisht is the victor's crown, + Fortune invokt begin the offer'd war, + My cause is pleaded when you bravely dare, + With such an army, who success can fear. + Thus Cæsar spoke: from the propitious sky + Descending eagles, boding victory, + Drive the slow winds before 'em as they fly. + From the left side of a dark wood proceed + Unwonted crys, which dying, flames succeed. + The sun-beams with unusual brightness rise + And spread new glories round the gilded skies. + New fir'd with omens of the promis'd day, + Cæsar o're untrod mountain leads the way; + Where th' frozen earth o're-clad with ice and snows, + At first not yielding to their horses blows, + A dreadful quiet in dull stiffness shows. + But when their trembling hoofs had burst the chain, + And soften'd milky clouds of hardned rain; + So quick the melted snows to rivers run, + That soon a deluge from the mountains sprung. + But thus you'd think 'twere done by fates decrees, + For the flood stopt, and billows rising freeze, + And yielding waves but now are rocks of ice. + The slippery passage now their feet betray, + When soon in miserable heaps o' th' way, + Men, horse, arms, in wild confusion lay. + Now pregnant clouds, with whirling blasts are torn, + And, bursting, are deliver'd of a storm: + Large stones of hail the troubl'd heavens shoot, + That by tempestuous winds are whirl'd about; + So thick it pours, whole clouds of snow and hail, + Like frozen billows, on their armour fall: + The earth lay vanquished under mighty snow, + An icy damp the vanquisht heavens know, + And vanquisht waters now no longer flow. + Thus all but Cæsar yield; on his huge lance + The hero leaning, did secure advance. + Alcmena's son did less securely rush, + From the proud height of rising Caucasus; + Or Jove himself, when down the steep he prest + Those sons of earth, that durst his heaven molest. + While raging Cæsar scales th' aspiring height, + Big with the news, fame takes before her flight; + And from Mount Palatine approaching ills, + To frighted Rome, thus dreadfully she tells: + A numerous fleet is riding o'er the main, + The melted Alps are hid with Cæsar's train. + That reeking from a German conquest come, + And with a like destruction threaten Rome. + Now arms, blood, death, and dismal scenes of war, + Are to their eyes presented by their fear; + With dreadful thoughts of coming war possest, + A wilder tumult raigns in every breast. + This flys by land, and that the sea prefers, + And thinks his native soil less safe appears, + The souldier trusts the fortune of the wars. + Prest by their fate, thus as they fear they run. + 'Midst these disorders, through th' abandon'd town: + A moving sight, wild tumults here and there, + Follow the blind impulses of their fear. + Vanquisht by rumour all, prepar'd for flight, + Their much lamented habitations quit: + Trembling, this takes his children in his arms, + And that protects his guardian gods from harm. + Scar'd from their homes, unwillingly they go, + And in their wishes stab the absent foe. + Some bear their wives, amidst ten thousand fears, + In sad imbrace; and some their aged sires: + The tender youth, unus'd to burdens, bear + Only that with 'em for which most they fear: + Some less discreet, strive to bear all away, + And only for the foe prepare the prey. + So in a storm when no sea-arts avail + To guide the ship with any certain sail; + Some bind the shatter'd mast, with thoughts secure, + Others are swimming t'ward the peaceful shore; + While with full sails kind fortune these implore. + But why do we of such small fears complain, + With both the consuls greater Pompey ran, + That Asia aw'd, in dire Hydaspes grown + The only rock, its pyrates split upon; + Whose third triumph o're earth made Jove afraid, + Proud with success he'd next his Heaven invade: + To whom the ocean yielding honours gave, + And rougher Bosphorus humbly still'd his wave. + Yet he, of empires and of men the shame, + Quitting the honour of a ruler's name, + Meanly at once abandon'd Rome and fame. + Now this to Heaven it self does fears impart, + And the mild train of quiet gods depart; + Frighted with wars they quit the impious world, + And leave mankind in wild confusion hurl'd. + Fair Peace, as leader of the goodly train, + Beating her snowy arms, did first complain; + A wreath of olives bound her drooping head, + And to Hell's dark insatiate realms she fled. + Justice and Faith on her attending went, + And mournful Concord, with her garment rent. + On th' other side from Hell's wide gaping jaws, + A train of dire inhabitants arose: + Dreadful errings, fierce Bellona there, + Fraud, and Megera arm'd with brands of fire, + And th' gastly image of pale death appear: + Disorder'd Rage from all her fetters freed, + Proudly 'midst these lifts her distracted head, + And her hackt face with bloody helmet hid. + On her left arm a target old and worn, + Pierc'd with innumerable darts was born, + And brands of fire supported in her right, + The impious world with flames and ruin threat. + The gods descending, leave their still abode, + And the stars wondring miss their usual load; + For all the inhabitants of Heaven come, + Choosing their sides, with factious fury down. + For Cæsar first Dione does appear, + Pallas and Mars with his huge brandisht spear; + Phœbe and Phœbus too for Cæsar came, + And with Cyllenius, to fill the train, + Alcides went, in all his acts the same. + The trumpets sound, when from the Stygian shade + Wild Discord raises her disorder'd head; + From whose swoln eyes there ran a briny flood, + And blood congeal'd otre all her visage stood; + Her hideous rows of brazen teeth were furr'd, + A filthy gore there issu'd from her tongue, + With snaky locks her guarded head was hung; + Rent and divided did her garb betray + The image of the breast on which it lay; + And brandisht flames her trembling hand obey. + Thus from Hell's deeps she past with dire design, + Up to the top of noble Appennine, + From whose proud height she all the world descri'd, + Earth, seas, and armies march on every side, + And bursting out at length, with fury cry'd, + Let murderous rage the world to arms inspire, + That every nation may appear a fire: + No age or sex shall from the war be free, + No subtle fear be a security. + The earth it self shall tremble, and the shock + Make mountains cleft against each other knock. + Marcellus guide the laws, Curior the crowd, + Let Lentulus inspire the warlike god. + But why is't Cæsar such slow measures takes? + Not scale the walls? Nor force th' aspiring gates, + Nor to the town, nor to the treasure makes? + At Rome, if Pompey fears th' approaching foe, + Let him to fatal Epidamnum go: + Fill all its plains with blood. Thus Discord said, + And impious earth her black decrees obey'd." + +When Eumolpus, with his usual freedom, had deliver'd himself of this, +we arrived at Crotona, where having refresht our selves in a little +inn, we took up at the next day, designing an enlargement of our house +and fortune, we fell into the company of some parasitical Corbacchio's +who immediately enquir'd what we were and whence we came? When, +according to our contrivance, prudently advancing our characters, we +told the credulous parasites whence we came, and who we were. Upon +which, immediately all their fortunes were at Eumolpus's feet, and +each, to ingratiate himself into his favour, strove to exceed the rest +in presenting him. + +While this flood of fortune was for a long time flowing on us, +Eumolpus, 'midst his happiness, having lost the memory of his former +condition, so boasted his interest, that he affirm'd none in Crotona +cou'd resist his desires; and that what e're crime any of us shou'd +act, he had friends enough to wipe off the guilt. + +But, tho' our daily increasing riches, left my pamper'd body no desire +unsatisfy'd; and tho' I flatter'd my self into an opinion that ill +fortune had taken her last leave of me, yet not only the thoughts of +my present condition, but the means of getting to 't, wou'd oft break +in upon my joys, and bitter all the sweet. "And what," said I to +myself, "if some one, wiser than the rest, shou'd dispatch a messenger +for Africk; shou'd not we soon be discover'd? What if the slave +Eumolpus, pickt up, glutted with his present happiness, shou'd betray +us to his companions, and maliciously discover the whole cheat? We +should then be put upon the strole again, and be oblig'd with shame to +renew our former beggary. Heavens, how ill it fares with wicked +lives! they ever expect the punishment they deserve." + +Going out full of these thoughts to divert my concern, I resolv'd on a +walk, but I had scarce got into a publick one, e're a pretty girl made +up to me, and calling me Polyæmus, told me her lady wou'd be proud +of an opportunity to speak with me. + +"You're mistaken, sweet-heart," return'd I, in a little heat, "I'm but +a servant, of another country too, and not worthy of so great a +favour." + +"No, sir," said she, "I have commands to you; but because you know +what you can do, you're proud; and if a lady wou'd receive a favour +from you, I see she must buy it: For to what end are all those +allurements, forsooth? the curl'd hair, the complexion advanc'd by a +wash, and the wanton roll of your eyes, the study'd air of your gate? +unless by shewing your parts, to invite a purchaser? For my part I am +neither a witch, nor a conjurer, yet can guess at a man by his +physiognomy. And when I find a spark walking, I know his +contemplation. To be short, sir, if so be you are one of them that +sell their ware, I'll procure you a merchant; but if you're a +courteous lender, confer the benefit. As for your being a servant, +and below, as you say, such a favour, it increases the flames of her +that's dying for you. 'Tis the wild extravagance of some women to be +in love with filth, nor can be rais'd to an appetite but by the +charms, forsooth of some slave or lacquy; some can be pleased with +nothing but the strutting of a prize-fighter with a hackt-face, and a +red ribbon in his shirt: Or an actor betray'd to prostitute himself on +th' stage, by the vanity of showing his pretty shapes there; of this +sort is my lady; who indeed," added she, "prefers the paultry lover of +the upper gallery, with his dirty face, and oaken staff, to all the +fine gentlemen of the boxes, with their patches, gunpowder-spots, and +tooth-pickers." When pleas'd with the humour of her talk, "I beseech +you, child," said I, "are you the she that's so in love with my +person?" Upon which the maid fell into a fit of laughing. "I wou'd +not," return'd she, "have you so extreamly flatter your self. I never +yet truckl'd to a waiter, nor will Venus allow I shou'd imbrace a +gibbet. You must address your self to ladies that kiss the ensigns of +slavery; be assur'd that I, though a servant, have too fine a taste to +converse with any below a knight." I was amaz'd at the relation of +such unequal passions, and thought it miraculous to find a servant, +with the scornful pride of a lady, and a lady with the humility of a +servant. + +Our pleasant discourse continuing, I desir'd her to bring her lady: +she readily consented, and taking hold of her petticoats, tript it +into a lawrel labyrinth, that border'd on the walk; 'twas not long +e're she usher'd her lady to me; a beauty excelling even the flattery +of painters; words can't express so perfect a creature; whatever I +shou'd say of her wou'd fall short of what she was. Her hair spread +all o're her shoulders, and seem'd in easie curls to wanton in the +air. Her forehead oval, and that naturally inclin'd the hair to its +advantage. The proportion of her eye-brows was most correct. Her +eyes eclypst the glory of the brightest star. Her nose had an easie +turn, and mouth was such Pragiteless believ'd Venus had. Then her +chin, her neck, her arms, and feet, gently girt with embroider'd +sandals, to whose whiteness the Parian marble wou'd serve but as a +foil. 'Twas then I began to despise my old mistress Doris. And thus +broke out: + + "Sure amorous Jove's a holy tale above; + With fancy'd arts that wait upon his love, + When we are blest with such a charm as this, + And he no rival of our happiness: + How well the bull wou'd now the god become: + Or his grey-hairs to be transform'd to down? + Here's Danae's self, a touch from her wou'd fire + And make the god in liquid joys expire." + +She was pleas'd, and smil'd with such an air, that, she seem'd like +the moon in all her glories breaking through a cloud, when addressing +her self, her pretty fingers humouring the turn of her voice, "If a +fine woman, and that but this year, has been acquaint'd with a man," +said she, "may deserve your love, let me commend a mistress to you. I +am sensible you have a comrade already, nor have I thought it below me +to inquire it: But why not a mistress too? I enter the list on the +same bottom with your comrade; nor do I desire to engross all the +caresses; only think me deserving, and confer them as you please." + +"Let me beseech you, madam," return'd I, "by all those cupids in your +face and meen, not to scorn to admit a stranger into the number of +your admirers. You'l find him most religious, if you accept his +devotions, and that you shou'd not suspect I believe the way to this +heaven, unlike all others, may be trod gratis, I present you with my +comrade." + +"What?" said she, "do you give him without whom you cou'd not live? +On whose lips your very being hangs? Whom you so love, as I cou'd +you." Her words were attended with such a grace at their delivery, +and the sweet sound so, charm'd the yielding air, you wou'd have +sworne some syren had been breathing melodies. Thus rapt with every +thing so amazing, and fancying a glory shin'd in every part, I +ventur'd to enquire what name the goddess own'd? "My maid, I +perceive," said she, "has not inform'd you, I am call'd Circe; I would +not have you believe tho, I bear that name, that I derive my original +from Apollo; nor that my mother, while she lay in the god's imbraces, +held the fiery steeds: Yet I shall know enough of heaven, if fate will +give you to my arms. And who knows the dark decrees? Therefore come, +my dear, and crown my wishes. Nor need you fear any malicious +disturbance of our joys. Your comrade is far enough from hence." + +Upon which she threw her downy arms about me, and led me to a plat of +ground, the pride of nature, deckt with a gay variety of every +pleasing object. + + On Ida's top, when Jove his nymph carest, + And lawless in open view exprest: + His Mother Earth in all her charms was seen, + The rose, the violet, the sweet jessamin, + And the fair lily smiling on the green. + Such was the plat on which my Venus lay, + But secret our love, more glorious the day, + When all around was bright, and as the nymph as gay. + +Here we prepar'd for battel, and through ten thousand kisses prest to +a closer engagement; but a sudden weakness rob'd me of my arms. Thus +cheated in her expectations, she highly resenting it, asks whether her +lips, her breath, or some ill scent of any part of her, offended me. +Or, if none of those, whether I fear'd Gito? + +I was so asham'd of my self, that if there was any spark of the man +left in me, I lost it. And finding every part of me feeble, and as it +were lifeless: "I beseech you, madam," said I, "don't triumph over my +misery; I'm surely bewitcht." + +So slight an excuse could not allay her resentment, but giving me a +disdainful glance, she turn'd to her maid, and, "I prithee Chrysis," +said she, "be free with me, don't flatter your mistress. Is there any +thing misbecoming or ungentle about me? Or have I us'd art to hide +any natural deformity? I don't know how you've drest me to-day." + +Upon which, e're Chrysis cou'd make a return, she snatcht a +pocket-glass from her, and after she had practis'd all her looks, to +try if any appear'd less charming than before, she took hold of her +petticoats that were a little rumpled with lying on, and immediately +ran to a neighbouring temple dedicated to Venus. + +I could not tell what to say or do, but as if I had seen a vision, at +last began with horror to consider whether I had been rob'd of any +real joy. + + So when a dream our wandring eyes betrays, + And to our side some hidden gold conveys; + Our busie hands the inviting treasure seize, + And hid in guilty folds the fancy'd prize. + Sweating we fear lest any conscious spy, + Might search our bosom, and the theft descry. + But with our sieep when all our joys are o're, + And minds restor'd to what they were before, + Concern'd, we wish the fancy'd loss regain'd, + And with the image still are entertain'd. + +This misfortune might make me justly think it not only a true vision, +but real witchcraft; for I had so long lost my strength I cou'd not +rise: My mind at last, a little freed, began by degrees to recover its +vigour, upon which I went to my lodging, and dissembling a faintness, +lay down on the bed. A little after Gito, being inform'd I was ill, +came to me, much troubl'd; but to allay his concern, I told him I was +only a little weary, and had a mind for a nap. Several things I talkt +to him of, but not a word of my last adventure, for I was afraid +because I knew he envy'd every one that had a charm for me, and to +prevent his suspicion, throwing my arms about him, I endeavour'd to +give a proof of my love; but disappointed of the expectation I had +rais'd him to, he rose very angry from my side, and accusing my +weakness, and strange behaviour to him, told me that of late he had +found my chief favours were bestow'd in another's arms. + +"My love to you, Gito," said I, "has ever been the same, but now my +dancing-days submit to reason." + +"Therefore," said he, laughing at me, "in the name of Socrates, I +thank you, because like him, you propose to love me: Alcibiades, +Encolpius, did not rise a virgin from that philosopher's side." + +"Then," added I, "believe me, Gito, I hardly know I've any thing of +man about me, how useless lyes the terrible part, where once I was +Achilles." + +When he found how unfit I was to confer the favours he wanted, and to +prevent suspicion, of his privacy with me, he jumpt up and ran to +another part of the house. + +He was hardly gone, e're Chrysis enter'd my chamber, and gave me a +billet from her mistress, in which I found this written: + +"Had I rais'd my expectation, I might deceiv'd complain; now I'm +obliged to your impotence, that has made me sensible how much too long +I have trifl'd with mistaken hopes of pleasure. Tell me, sir, how you +design to bestow your self, and whether you dare rashly venture home +on your own legs? for no physician ever allow'd it cou'd be done +without strength. Let me advise your tender years to beware of a +palsie: I never saw any body in such danger before. On my conscience +you are just going! and shou'd the same rude chilliness seize your +other parts, I might be soon, alas! put upon the severe trial of +weeping at your funeral. But if you would not suspect me of not being +sincere, tho' my resentment can't equal the injury, yet I shall not +envy the cure of a weak unhappy wretch. If you wou'd recover your +strength, ask Gito, or rather not ask him for't--I can assure a return +of your vigour if you cou'd sleep three nights alone: As to myself I +am not in the least apprehensive of appearing to another less charming +than I have to you. I am told neither my glass nor report does +flatter me. Farewell, if you can." + +When Chrysis found I had read the reproach, "This is the custom, sir," +said she, "and chiefly of this city, where the women are skill'd in +magick-charms, enough to make the moon confess their power, therefore +the recovery of any useful instrument of love becomes their care; 'tis +only writing some soft tender things to my lady, and you make her +happy in a kind return. For 'tis confest, since her disappointment, +she has not been her self." I readily consented, and calling for +paper, thus addrest myself: + +"'Tis confest, madam, I have often sinned, for I'm not only a man, but +a very young one, yet never left the field so dishonourably before. +You have at your feet a confessing criminal, that deserves whatever +you inflict: I have cut a throat, betray'd my country, committed +sacrilege; if a punishment for any of these will serve, I am ready to +receive sentence. If you fancy my death, I wait you with my sword; +but if a beating will content you, I fly naked to your arms. Only +remember, that 'twas not the workman, but his instruments that fail'd: +I was ready to engage, but wanted arms. Who rob'd me of them I know +not; perhaps my eager mind outrun my body; or while with an unhappy +haste I aim'd at all; I was cheated with abortive joys. I only know I +don't know what I've done: You bid me fear a palsie, as if the diseast +cou'd do greater that has already rob'd me of that, by which I shou'd +have purchas'd you. All I have to say for my self, is this, that I +will certainly pay with interest the arrears of love, if you allow me +time to repair my misfortune." + +Having sent back Chrysis with this answer, to encourage my jaded body +after the bath and strengthening oyles, had a little rais'd me, I +apply'd my self to strong meats, such as strong broths and eggs, using +wine very moderately; upon which to settle my self, I took a little +walk, and returning to my chamber, slept that night without Gito; so +great was my care to acquit my self honourably with my mistress, that +I was afraid he might have tempted my constancy, by tickling my side. + +The next day rising without prejudice, either to my body or spirits, I +went, tho' I fear'd the place was ominous, to the same walk, and +expected Chrysis to conduct me to her mistress; I had not been long +there, e're she came to me, and with her a little old woman. After +she had saluted me, "What, my nice Sir Courtly," said she, "does your +stomach begin to come to you?" + +At what time, the old woman, drawing from her bosome, a wreath of many +colours, bound my neck; and having mixt spittle and dust, she dipt her +finger in't, and markt my fore-head, whether I wou'd or not. + +When this part of the charm was over, she made me spit thrice, and as +often prest to my bosom enchanted stones, that she had wrapt in +purple; Admotisque manibus temptare coepit inguinum vives. Dicto +citius nervi paruerunt imperio manusque aniculae ingenti motu +repleverunt. At illa gaudio exsultans, "vides," inquit, "Chrysis mea, +vides quod aliis leporem excitavi?" + + Never despair; Priapus I invoke + To help the parts that make his altars smoke. + +After this, the old woman presented me to Chrysis; who was very glad +she had recover'd her mistress's treasure; and therefore hastening to +her, she conducted me to a most pleasant retreat, deckt with all that +nature cou'd produce to please the sight. + + Where lofty plains o're-spread a summer shade, + And well-trimm'd pines their shaking tops display'd, + Where Daphne 'midst the cyprus crown'd her head. + Near these, a circling river gently flows, + And rolls the pebbles as it murmuring goes; + A place design'd for love, the nightingale + And other wing'd inhabitants can tell. + That on each bush salute the coming day, + And in their orgyes sing its hours away. + +She was in an undress, reclining on a flowry bank, and diverting her +self with a myrtle branch; as soon as I appear'd, she blusht, as +mindful of her disappointment: Chrysis, very prudently withdrew, and +when we were left together, I approacht the temptation; at what time, +she skreen'd my face with the myrtle, and as if there had been a wall +between us, becoming more bold; "what, my chill'd spark," began she, +"have you brought all your self to day?" + +"Do you ask, madam," I return'd, "rather than try?" And throwing my +self to her, that with open arms was eager to receive me, we kist a +little age away; when giving the signal to prepare for other joys, she +drew me to a more close imbrace; and now, our murmuring kisses their +sweet fury tell; now, our twining limbs, try'd each fold of love; now, +lockt in each others arms, our bodies and our souls are join'd; but +even here, alas! even amidst these sweet beginnings, a sudden +chilliness prest upon my joys, and made me leave 'em not compleat. + +Circe, enrag'd to be so affronted, had recourse to revenge, and +calling the grooms that belong'd to the house, made them give me a +warming; nor was she satisfi'd with this, but calling all the +servant-wenches, and meanest of the house, she made 'em spit upon me. +I hid my head as well as I cou'd, and, without begging pardon, for I +knew what I had deserv'd, am turn'd out of doors, with a large retinue +of kicks and spittle: Proselenos, the old woman was turn'd out too, +and Chrysis beaten; and the whole family wondering with themselves, +enquir'd the cause of their lady's disorder. + +I hid my bruises as well as I cou'd, lest my rival Eumolpus might +sport with my shame, or Gito be concern'd at it; therefore as the only +way to disguise my misfortune, I began to dissemble sickness, and +having got in bed, to revenge my self of that part of me, that had +been the cause of all my misfortunes; when taking hold of it, + + With dreadful steel, the part I wou'd have lopt, + Thrice from my trembling hand the razor dropt. + Now, what I might before, I could not do, + For cold as ice the fearful thing withdrew; + And shrunk behind a wrinkled canopy, + Hiding his head from my revenge and me. + Thus, by his fear, I'm baulkt of my design, + When I in words more killing vent my spleen. + +At what time, raising myself on the bed, in this or like manner, I +reproacht the sullen impotent: With what face can you look up, thou +shame of heaven and man? that can'st not be seriously mention'd. Have +I deserv'd from you, when rais'd within sight of heavens of joys, to +be struck down to the lowest hell? To have a scandal fixt on the very +prime and vigour of my years, and to be reduc'd to the weakness of an +old man? I beseech you, sir, give me an epitaph on my departed +vigour; tho' in a great heat I had thus said, + + He still continu'd looking on the ground, + Nor more, at this had rais'd his guilty head, + Than th' drooping poppy on its tender stalk. + +Nor when I had done, did I less repent of my ridiculous passion, and +with a conscious blush, began to think, how unaccountable it was, that +forgetting all shame, I shou'd contend with that part of me, that all +men of sence, reckon not worth their thoughts. A little after, +relapsing to my former humour: But what's the crime, began I, if by a +natural complaint I was eas'd of my grief? or how is it, that we blame +our stomachs or bellies, when 'tis our heads that are distemper'd? +Did not Ulysses beat his breast, as if that had disturb'd him? And +don't we see the actors punish their eyes, as if they heard the +tragick scene? Those that have the gout in their legs, swear at them; +Those that have it in their fingers, do so by them: Those that have +sore eyes, are angry with their eyes. + + Why do the strickt-liv'd Cato's of the age, + At my familiar lines so gravely rage? + In measures loosly plain, blunt satyr flows, + And all the people so sincerely shows. + For whose a stranger to the joys of love? + Who, can't the thoughts of such lost pleasures move? + Such Epicurus own'd the chiefest bliss, + And such lives the gods themselves possess. + +There's nothing more deceitful than a ridiculous opinion, nor more +ridiculous, than an affected gravity. After this, I call'd Gito to +me; and "tell me," said I, "but sincerely, whether Ascyltos, when he +took you from me, pursu'd the injury that night, or was chastly +content to lye alone?" The boy with his finger at his eyes, took a +solemn oath, that he had no incivility offer'd him by Ascyltos. + +This drove me to my wits end, nor did I well know what to say: For +why, I consider'd, shou'd I think of the twice mischievous accident +that lately befell me? At last, I did what I cou'd to recover my +vigour: and willing to invoke the assistance of the gods, I went out +to pay my devotions to Priapus, and as wretched as I was, did not +despair, but kneeling at the entry of the chamber, thus beseecht the +god: + + "Bacchus and Nymphs delight, O mighty God! + Whom Cynthia gave to rule the blooming wood. + Lesbos and verdant Thasos thee adore, + And Lydians, in loose flowing dress implore, + And raise devoted temples to thy power. + Thou Dryad's joy, and Bacchus's guardian, hear + My conscious prayer, with an attentive ear. + My hands with guiltless blood I never stain'd, + Or sacrilegiously the gods prophan'd. + To feeble me, restoring blessings send, + I did not thee, with my whole self offend. + Who sins thro' weakness is less guilty thought, + Be pacify'd, and spare a venial fault. + On me, when smiling fate shall smiling gifts bestow, + I'll not ungrateful to thy godhead go. + A destin'd goat shall on thy altar lye, + And the horn'd parent of my flock shall dye. + A sucking pig appease thy injur'd shrine, + And hallow'd bowls o're-flow with generous wine. + Then thrice thy frantick votaries shall round + Thy temple dance, with youth and garlands crown'd, + In holy drunkenness thy orgies sound." + +While I was thus at prayers, an old woman, with her hair about her +eyes, and disfigur'd with a mournful habit, coming in, disturb'd my +devotions; when taking hold of me, she drew all fear out of the entry; +and "what hag," said she, "has devour'd your manhood? Or what ominous +carcase have you stumbl'd over in your nightly walks? You have not +acquitted your self above a boy; but faint, weak, and like a horse +o'recharg'd in a steep, tyr'd have lost your toyl and sweat; nor +content to sin alone, but have unreveng'd against me, provokt the +offended gods?" + +When leading me, obedient to all her commands, a second time to the +cell of a neighbouring priestess of Priapus, she threw me upon the +bed, and taking up a stick that fastened the door, reveng'd her self +on me, that very patiently receiv'd her fury: and at the first stroak, +if the breaking of the stick had not lessned its force, she might have +broke my head and arm. + +I groan'd, and hiding with my arm my head, in a flood of tears lean'd +on the pillow: Nor did she then, less troubled, sit on the bed, and +began in a shrill voice, to blame her age, till the priestess came in +upon us; and "what," said she, "do you do in my chappel, as if some +funeral had lately been, rather than a holy-day, in which, even the +mournful are merry?" + +"Alas, my Enothea!" said she, "this youth was born under an ill star; +for neither boy nor maid can raise him to a perfect appetite; you +ne're beheld a more unhappy man: In his garden the weak willow, not +the lusty cedar grows; in short, you may guess what he is, that cou'd +rise unblest from Circe's bed." + +Upon this, Enothea fixt her self between us, and moving her head a +while; "I," said she, "am the only one that can give remedy for that +disease; and not to delay it, let him sleep with me to night; and next +morning, examine how vigorous I shall have made him. + + "'All Nature's works my magick powers obey, + The blooming earth shall wither and decay, + And when I please, agen be fresh and gay. + From rugged rocks, I make sweet waters flow, + And raging billows to me humbly bow. + With rivers, winds, when I command, obey, + And at my feet, their fans contracted lay, + Tygers and dragons too, my will obey. + But these are small, when of my magick verse, + Descending Cynthia does the power confess. + When my commands, make trembling Phœbus reign, + His fiery steeds, their journey back again. + Such power have charms, by whose prevailing aid + The fury of the raging bulls was laid. + The Heaven-born Circe, with her magic song, + Ulysses's men, did into monsters turn. + Proteus, with this assum'd, what shape he wou'd. + I, who this art so long have understood, + Can send proud Ida's top into the main, + And make the billows bear it up again.'" + +I shook with fear at such a romantick promise, and began more +intensively to view the old woman: Upon which, she cry'd out, "O +Enothea, be as good as your word"; when, carefully wiping her hands, +she lay down on the bed, and half smother'd me with kisses. + +Enothea, in the middle of the altar, plac'd a turf-table, which she +heapt with burning coals, and her old crack cup (for sacrifice) +repair'd with temper'd pitch; when she had fixt it to the +smoaking-wall from which she took it; putting on her habit, she plac'd +a kettle by the fire, and took down a bag that hung near her, in +which, a bean was kept for that use, and a very aged piece of a hog's +forehead, with the print of a hundred cuts out; when opening the bag, +she threw me a part of the bean, and bid me carefully strip it. I +obey her command, and try, without daubing my fingers, to deliver the +grain from its nasty coverings; but she, blaming my dullness, snatcht +it from me, and skilfully tearing its shells with her teeth, spit the +black morsels from her, that lay like dead flies on the ground. How +ingenious is poverty, and what strange arts will hunger teach? The +priestess seem'd so great a lover of this sort of life, that her +humour appear'd in every thing about her, and her hut might be truly +term'd, sacred to poverty. + + Here shines no glittering ivory set with gold, + No marble covers the deluded mold, + By its own wealth deluded; but the shrine + With simple natural ornaments does shine. + Round Cere's bower, but homely willows grow, + Earthen are all the sacred bowls they know. + Osier the dish, sacred to use divine: + Both course and stain'd, the jug that holds the wine. + Mud mixt with straw, make a defending fort, + The temple's brazen studs, are knobs of dirt. + With rush and reed, is thatcht the hut it self, + Where, besides what is on a smoaky shelf, + Ripe service-berries into garlands bound, + And savory-bunches with dry'd grapes are found. + Such a low cottage Hecale confin'd, + Low was her cottage, but sublime her mind. + Her bounteous heart, a grateful praise shall crown, + And muses make immortal her renown. + +After which, she tasted of the flesh, and hanging the rest, old as her +self, on the hook again; the rotten stool on which she was mounted +breaking, threw her into the fire, her fall spilt the kettle, and what +it held put out the fire; she burnt her elbow, and all her face was +hid with the ashes that her fall had rais'd. + +Thus disturb'd, I arose, and laughing, took her up; immediately, lest +any thing shou'd hinder the offering, she ran for new fire to the +neighbourhood, and had hardly got to the door, e're I was set upon by +three sacred geese, that daily, I believe, about that time were fed by +the old woman; they made an hideous noise, and, surrounding me, one +tears my coat, another my shoes, while their furious captain made +nothing of doing so by my legs; till seeing my self in danger, I began +to be in earnest, and snatching up one of the feet of our little +table, made the valiant animal feel my arm'd hand; nor content with a +slight blow or two, but reveng'd my self with its death. + + Such were the birds Alcides did subdue, + That from his conquering arm t'ward Heaven flew: + Such sure the harpyes were which poyson strow'd, + On cheated Phineus's false deluding food. + Loud lamentations shake the trembling air, + The powers above the wild confusion share, + Horrours disturb the orders of the sky, + And frighted stars beyond their courses fly. + +By this time the other two had eat up the pieces of the bean that lay +scatter'd on the floor, and having lost their leader, return'd to the +temple. When glad of the booty and my revenge, I heal'd the slight +old woman's anger, I design'd to make off; and taking up my cloaths, +began my march; nor had I reacht the door, e're I saw Enothea bringing +in her hand an earthen pot fill'd with fire; upon which I retreated, +and throwing down my cloaths, fixt my self in the entry, as if I were +impatiently expecting her coming. + +Enothea, entring, plac'd the fire, that with broken sticks she had got +together, and having heapt more wood upon those, began to excuse her +stay, that her friend wou'd not let her go before she had, against the +laws of drinking, taken off three healths together. When looking +about her, "What," said she, "have you been doing in my absence? +Where's the bean?" + +I, who thought I had behav'd my self very honourably, told her the +whole fight; and to end her grief for the loss of her bean, presented +the goose: when I shew'd the goose, the old woman set up such an +out-cry, that you wou'd have thought the geese were re-entring the +place. + +In confusion and amaz'd at so strange a humour, I askt the meaning of +her passion? or why she pity'd the goose rather than me. + +But wringing her hands, "you wicked wretch," said she, "d'ye speak +too? D'ye know what you've done? You've killed the gods delight, a +goose the pleasure of all matrons: And, lest you shou'd think your +self innocent, if a magistrate shou'd hear of it, you'd be hang'd. +You have defil'd with blood my cell, that to this day had been +inviolate. You have done that, for which, if any's so malicious, he +may expel me my office." + + She said, and trembling, rends her aged hairs, + And both her cheeks with wilder fury tears: + Sad murmurs from her troubl'd breast arise, + A shower of tears there issu'd from her eyes. + And down her face a rapid deluge run, + Such as is seen, when a hills frosty crown, + By warm Favonius is melted down. + +Upon which, "I beseech you," said I, "don't grieve, I'll recompence +the loss of your goose with an ostrich." + +While amaz'd I spoke, she sat down on the bed, lamented her loss; at +what time Proselenos came in with the sacrifice, and viewing the +murder'd goose, and enquiring the cause, began very earnestly to cry +and pity me, as it had been a father, not a goose I had slain. But +tired with this stuff, "I beseech ye," said I, "tell me, tho' it had +been a man I kill'd, won't gold wipe off the guilt? See here are two +pieces of gold: with these you may purchase gods as well as geese." + +Which, when Enothea beheld, "Pardon me, young man," said she, "I am +only concern'd for your safety, which is an argument of love, not +hatred; therefore we'll take what care we can to prevent a discovery: +You have nothing to do, but intreat the gods to forgive the sin." + + "Who e're has money may securely sail, + On all things with all-mighty gold prevail. + May Danae wed, or rival amo'rous Jove, + And make her father pandar to his love. + May be a poet, preacher, lawyer too: + And bawling win the cause he does not know: + And up to Cato's fame for wisdom grow. + Wealth without law will gain at bar renown, + How e're the case appears, the cause is won, + Every rich lawyer is a Littleton. + In short of all you wish you are possest, + All things prevent the wealthy man's request, + For Jove himself's the treasure of his chest." + +While my thoughts were thus engag'd, she plac'd a cup of wine under my +hands, and having cleans'd my prophane extended fingers with sacred +leeks and parsley, threw into the wine, with some ejaculation, +hazel-nuts, and as they sunk or swam gave her judgment; but I well +knew the empty rotten ones wou'd swim, and those of entire kernels go +to the bottom. + +When applying herself to the goose, from its breast she drew a lusty +liver, and then told me my future fortune. But that no mark of the +murder might be left, she fixt the rent goose to a spit, which, as she +said, she had fatten'd a little before, as sensible it was to die. + +In the mean time the wine went briskly round, and now the old women +gladly devour the goose, they so lately lamented; when they had pickt +its bones, Enothea, half drunk, turn'd to me; "and now," said she, +"I'll finish the charm that recovers your strength": When drawing out +a leathern ensign of Priapus, she dipt it in a medley of oyl, small +pepper, and the bruis'd seed of nettles, paulatim coepit inserere ano +meo. Hoc crudelissima anus spurgit subinde umore femina mea. +Nasturcii sucum cum abrotano miscet perfusisque inguinibus meis +viridis urticae fascem comprehendit, omniaque infra umbilicum coepit +lenta mann caedere. Upon which jumping from her, to avoid the sting, +I made off. The old woman in a great rage pursu'd me, and tho' drunk +with wine, and their more hot desires, took the right way: and +follow'd me through two or three villages, crying stop thief; but with +my hands all bloody, in the hasty flight, I got off. + +When I got home, to ease my wearied limbs, I went to bed, but the +thoughts of my misfortunes would not let me sleep; when considering +how unparallel'd a wretch I was, I cry'd out, "Did my ever cruel +fortune want the afflictions of love to make me more miserable? O +unhappiness! Fortune and love conspire my ruin. Severer love spares +me no way, or loving, or belov'd a wretch: Chrysis adores me, and is +ever giving me occasion to address: She, that when she brought me to +her mistress, despis'd me for my mean habit as one beneath her +desires; that very Chrysis that so scorn'd my former fortune, pursues +this even with the hazard of her own; and swore, when she first +discover'd to me the violence of her love, that she wou'd be ever true +to me. But Circe's in possession of my heart, I value none but her, +and indeed who wears such charms? Compar'd to her, what was Ariadne +or Lyda? what Helen, or even Venus? Paris himself the umpire of the +wanton nymphs, if with these eyes he had seen her contending for the +golden apple, wou'd have given both his Helen and the goddesses for +her. If I might be admitted to kiss her sweet lips again, or once +more press her divinely rising breasts, perhaps my vigour wou'd +revive, which now I believe lyes opprest by witchcraft. I shou'd +dispense with my reproaches, shou'd forget that I was beat; esteem my +being turn'd out of doors, a sport; so I might be again happy in her +favours." + +These thoughts and the image of the beautiful Circe so rais'd my mind, +that I oft, as if my love was in my arms, with a great deal of +fruitless ardour, hug'd the bed-cloaths, till out of patience with the +lasting affliction I began to reproach my impotence; yet recovering my +presence of mind, I flew for comfort to the misfortunes of ancient +hero's, and thus broke out: + + "Not only me th' avenging gods pursue, + Oft they their anger on their hero's throw; + By Juno's rage Alcides Heaven bore, + And Pelia's injur'd Juno knew before. + Leomedon Heaven's dire resentments felt, + And Telephus's blood washt out his guilt. + We cannot from the wrathful godhead run + Crafty Ulysses cou'd not Neptune shun. + Provokt Priapus o're the land and sea, + Has left his Hellespont to follow me." + +Full of anxious cares I spent the night: and Gito, inform'd that I lay +at home, enter'd my chamber by day-break, when having passionately +complain'd of my loose life, he told me the family took much notice of +my behaviour, that I was seldom in waiting, and that perhaps the +company I kept wou'd be my ruin. + +By this I understood he was inform'd of my affairs; and that some one +had been in pursuit of me; upon which I ask't my Gito whether any body +was to enquire for me. "Not this day," said he, "but yesterday there +came a very pretty woman, who, when she had tir'd me with a long +sifting discourse; at last told me you deserv'd to be punisht, and +shou'd as a slave, if you longer complain'd." + +This so sensibly touch'd me, that I began afresh to reproach fortune: +Nor had I done, e're Chrysis came in, and wildly throwing her arms +about me: "Now," said she, "I'll hold my wish, you're my love, my joy; +nor may you think to quench this flame, but by a more close embrace." + +I was much disturb'd at Chrysis's wantonness, and gave her fair +language, to get rid of her; for I was very apprehensive of the danger +of Eumolpus's hearing it, since his good fortune had made him so +proud. I did therefore what I could to appease her rage; I dissembl'd +love, whisper'd soft things, and in short manag'd it so like a lover, +that she believ'd me one. I made her understand in what danger we +both were, if she shou'd be found with me in that place, and that our +lord Eumolpus punisht the least offence. Upon which she immediately +made out, and the more hastily, because she saw Gito returning, who +had left me a little before she came. + +She was scarce out, when on a sudden one of the slaves came to me, and +told me that our lord so highly resented my two days absence, that +unless, as he advised me, I invented a good excuse to allay his heat, +I shou'd certainly be punish'd. + +Gito perceiving how concern'd I was, spoke not a word of the woman, +but advis'd me to behave myself merrily to Eumolpus, rather than +serious. I pursu'd the counsel, and put on so pleasant a face that he +receiv'd me in drollery, without the grave stiffness of a master. He +was pleasant on the success of my amours; prais'd my meen and wit that +was so agreeable to the ladies: and "I'm no stranger," said he, "to +your love of a very beautiful lady. But now, Encolpius, that rightly +manag'd, may turn to our advantage; therefore do you personate the +lover, I'll continue the character I've begun." + +Matrona inter primas honesta, Philomela nomine quae multas saepe +hereditates officio aetati extorserat, tum anus et floris extincti, +filium filiamque ingerebat orbis senibus, et per hanc successionem +artem suam perseverabat extendere. Ea ergo ad Eumolpum venit et +commendare liberos suos eius prudentiae bonitatique . . . credere se +et vota sua. Illum esse solum in toto orbe terrarum, qui praeceptis +etiam salubribus instruere iuvenes quotidie posset. Ad summam, +relinquere se pueros in domo Eumolpi, ut illum loquentem audirent: +quae sola posset hereditas iuvenibus dari. Nec aliter fecit ac +dixerat, filiamque speciosissimam cum fratre ephebo in cubiculo +reliquit simulavitque se in templum ire ad vota nuncupanda. Eumolpus, +qui tam frugi erat ut illi etiam ego puer viderer, non distulit +puellam invitare ad pigiciaca sacra. Sed et podagricum se esse +lumborumque solutorum omnibus dixerat, et si non servasset integram +simulationem, periclitabatur totam paene tragoediam evertere. Itaque +ut constaret mendacio fides, puellam quidem exoravit, ut sederet super +commendatam bonitatem, Coraci autem imperavit ut lectum, in quo ipse +iacebat, subiret positisque in pavimento manibus dominum lumbis suis +commoveret. Ille lente parebat imperio puellaque artificium pari motu +remunerabat. Cum ergo res ad affectum spectaret, clara Eumolpus voce +exhortabatur Coraca, ut spissaret officium. Sic inter mercennarium +amicamque positus senex veluti oscillatione ludebat. Hoc semel +iterumque ingenti risu, etiam suo, Eumolpus fecerat. Itaque ego +quoque, ne desidia consuetudinem perderem, dum frater sororis suae +automata per clostellum miratur, accessi temptaturus, an pateretur +iniuriam. Nec se reiciebat a blanditiis doctissimus puer, sed me +numen inimicum ibi quoque invenit. + +I was not so concern'd at this as the former; for a little after my +strength return'd, and finding my self more vigorous, I cry'd out, the +courteous gods are greater that have made me whole again. For +Mercury, that conveys and reconveys our souls, by his favours has +restor'd what his anger had seiz'd: Now I shall be in as great esteem +as Protesilaus or any of the antients. Upon which taking up my +cloaths, I shew'd my whole self to Eumolpus, he startl'd at first, but +soon, to confirm his belief, with both hands chaf'd the mighty favour +of the gods. + +This great blessing makes us merry, we laughed at Philumene's cunning, +and her childrens experience in the art, which wou'd profit 'em little +with us; for to no other end were they left, but to be heirs to what +we had. When reflecting on this sordid manner of deceiving childless +age, I took occasion to consider the condition of our present fortune, +and told Eumolpus that the deceivers might be deceiv'd, that therefore +all our actions shou'd be of a piece with the character we bore. +"That Socrates, the wisest of men, us'd to boast he never saw a +tavern, nor ever had been in the common company that frequents such +places. That nothing was more convenient than a discreet behaviour. +All these are truths, nor shou'd any sort of men," added I, "more +expect the sudden assaults of ill fortune, than those that covet +what's other men's. But how should pick-pockets live, unless, by some +well order'd trick, to draw fools together, they get imployment? As +fish are taken with what they really eat, so men are to be cheated +with something that's solid, not empty hope; thus the people of this +country have hitherto receiv'd us very nobly: but when they find the +arrival of no ship from Africk, laden, as you told 'em, with riches, +and your retinue, the impatient deceivers, will lessen their bounty; +therefore, or I'm mistaken, our fortune begins to repent her favours." + +"I have thought of a means," said Eumolpus, "to make our deceivers +continue their care of us." And drawing his will out of his purse, +thus read the last lines of it. + +"All that have legacies in this my last will and testament, my freed +men excepted, receives 'em on these conditions, that they divide my +body, and eat it before the people. And that they may not think it an +unjust demand, let them know, that to this day 'tis the custom of many +countries, that the relations of the dead devour the carcase; and for +that reason they often quarrel with their sick kindred, because they +spoil their flesh by lingering in a disease. I only instance this to +my friends, that they may not refuse to perform my will; but with the +same sincerity they wisht well to my soul, they might devour my body." + +When he had read the chief articles, some that were more intimately +acquainted with him, enter'd the chamber, and viewing the will, +earnestly intreated him to impart the contents of it; he readily +consented and read the whole. But when they heard the necessity of +eating the carcass, they seem'd much concern'd at the strange +proposal; but their insatiate love of the money made 'em stifle their +passion, and his person was so awful to 'em, they durst not complain. +But one of 'em, Gorgias by name, briskly told him he was willing to +accept the conditions, so he might not wait for the body. + +To this Eumolpus, "I'm not in the least apprehensive of your +performance, nor that your stomach wou'd refuse the task, when to +recompense one distasteful minute you promise ages of luxury. 'Tis +but shutting your eyes, and supposing instead of man's flesh you were +eating an hundred sesterces. Some sauce may be added to vary the +tast; for no flesh pleases alone, but is prepar'd by art to commend it +to the stomach. If you desire instances of this kind, to make ye +approve my advice; the Saguntines when they were besieg'd by Hannibal +eat humane bodies, without the hopes of an estate for doing it. The +Petavii reduc'd to the last extremity did the like; nor had they +further hopes in this banquet than to satisfie nature. When Scipio +took Numanita, mothers were found with their children half eaten in +their arms. But since the thoughts only of eating man's flesh create +the lothing; 'tis but resolving, and you gain the mighty legacies I +leave you." + +Eumolpus recounted these shameless inhumanities with so much +confusion, that his parasites began to suspect him, and more nearly +considering our words and actions, their jealousie encreas'd with +their observation, and they believ'd us perfect cheats. Upon which +those who had receiv't us most nobly, resolv'd to seize us, and lustly +take their revenge; but Chrysis, privy to all stratagems, gave me +notice of their designs; the frightful news so struck me, that I made +off with Gito immediately, and left Eumolpus to the mercy of his +enemies; and in a few days we heard the Crotonians raging, that that +old rascal shou'd live so long at such a sumptuous rate on the publick +charge, sacrific'd him the Massilian way. Whenever the Massilians +were visited with a plague, some one of the poorest of the people, for +the sake of being well fed a whole year at the publick charge, wou'd +offer himself a sacrifice to appease the gods: He after his year was +up, drest in holy wreath and sacred garment, was led about the city +with invocations on the gods that all the sins of the nation might be +punisht in him; and so was thrown from a precipice. + + + + + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, THE SATYRICON *** + +This file should be named 5611-0.txt or 5611-0.zip + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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