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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..24c8630 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #54715 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/54715) diff --git a/old/54715-0.txt b/old/54715-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index e5ebc48..0000000 --- a/old/54715-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,7338 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook, Nights with the Gods, by Emil Reich - - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - - - - -Title: Nights with the Gods - - -Author: Emil Reich - - - -Release Date: May 13, 2017 [eBook #54715] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - - -***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK NIGHTS WITH THE GODS*** - - -E-text prepared by Clarity, Graeme Mackreth, and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) from page images generously made -available by Internet Archive (https://archive.org) - - - -Note: Images of the original pages are available through - Internet Archive. See - https://archive.org/details/nightswithgods00reicrich - - - - - -NIGHTS WITH THE GODS.. - - -[Illustration] - - -NIGHTS WITH THE GODS - -by - -EMIL REICH - -Doctor Juris - -Author of -"Foundations of Modern Europe" -"Success among Nations" etc. - - -[Illustration] - - - - - - -London -T. Werner Laurie -Cliffords Inn, Fleet Street - -The Riverside Press Limited, Edinburgh. - - - - -CONTENTS - - - PAGE - - THE FIRST NIGHT - - ARISTOTLE ON SPECIALISM IN ENGLAND 1 - - - THE SECOND NIGHT - - DIOGENES AND PLATO ON TOLSTOY, IBSEN, SHAW, ETC. 32 - - - THE THIRD NIGHT - - ALCIBIADES ON WOMEN IN ENGLAND 65 - - - THE FOURTH NIGHT - - ALCIBIADES--CONTINUED 101 - - - THE FIFTH NIGHT - - CÆSAR ON THE HOUSE OF COMMONS 134 - - - THE SIXTH NIGHT - - APOLLO AND DIONYSUS IN ENGLAND 160 - - - THE SEVENTH NIGHT - - SOCRATES, DIOGENES, AND PLATO ON RELIGION 182 - - - - -FOREWORD - - -The great spirits of the past, chiefly Hellenes, recently revisited -England. With a view to an exchange of ideas on English contemporary -life, they met at night in various towns of Italy, where, by the favour -of Dionysus, the author was allowed to be present, and to take notes -at the proceedings. The following pages contain some of the speeches -delivered in the Assembly of the Gods and Heroes. - - THE AUTHOR. - - 33 ST LUKE'S ROAD, - NOTTING HILL, - LONDON, W. - - - - -NIGHTS WITH THE GODS - - - - -THE FIRST NIGHT - -ARISTOTLE ON SPECIALISM IN ENGLAND - - -The first night the gods and heroes assembled on the heights around -Florence. From the magnificent town there came only a faint glimmer of -artificial light, and the Arno rolled its waves melodiously towards the -sea. On a height full of convenient terraces, offering a view on the -Lily of the Arno, on Fiesole, and on the finely undulating outlines of -the Apennine Mountains, the Assembly sat down. From afar one could see -the bold lines of the copy of Michelangelo's David on the hill. The -evening was lovely and balmy. Zeus opened the meeting with a request -directed to Alexander, King of Macedon, to ask his teacher Aristotle -to entertain them with his experiences at the seats of modern learning -and study. Alexander did so, and the grave Stagirite, mellowed by the -years, addressed the Assembly as follows: - -"All my mortal life I have tried, by reading, by making vast -collections of natural objects and animals, and by the closest thinking -on the facts furnished to me by men of all sorts of professions and -crafts, to get at some unity of knowledge. I held, and still hold, -that just as Nature is one, so ought Knowledge too to be. I have -written a very large number of treatises, many of which, thanks to Thy -Providence, O Zeus, have escaped the smallpox called commentaries, in -that the little ones never got possession of those works. But while -always loving detail and single facts, I never lost sight of the -connection of facts. As a coin, whether a penny or a sovereign, has -no currency unless the image of the prince is cut out on it, even so -has no fact scientific value unless the image of an underlying general -principle is grafted thereon. This great truth I taught all my pupils, -and I hoped that men would carefully observe it in all their studies. -When then I went amongst the little ones, I expected them to do as I -had taught their teachers to do. However, what I found was, O Zeus, the -funniest of all things. - -"On my visit to what they call Universities I happened to call, in the -first place, on a professor who said he studied history. In my time I -believed that history was not as suggestive of philosophical truths as -is poetry. Since then I have somewhat altered my view. Naturally enough -I was curious to know what my Professor of History thought of that, and -I asked him to that effect. He looked at me with a singular smile and -said: 'My young friend (--I had assumed the appearance of a student--), -my young friend, history is neither more nor less than a science. As -such it consists of a long array of specialities.' 'And which,' I asked -timidly, 'is your special period?' Whereupon the professor gravely -said: 'The afternoons of the year 1234 A.D.'" While everybody present -in the Assembly, including even St Francis of Assisi, laughed at this -point of Aristotle's narrative, Diogenes exclaimed: "Why has the good -man not selected the nights of that year? It would greatly reduce his -labours." - -A peal of laughter rewarded the lively remark. Aristotle resumed his -tale, and said: "When the professor saw that I was a little amused -at his statement, he frowned on me and exclaimed in a deep voice, -if with frequent stammerings, which as I subsequently learnt is the -chief attraction of their diction, 'My young friend, you must learn -to understand that we modern historians have discovered a method so -subtle, and so effective, that, with all deference be it said, we are -in some respects stronger even than the gods. For the gods cannot -change the past; but we modern historians can. We do it every day of -our lives, and some of us have obtained a very remarkable skill at it.'" - -At this point of Aristotle's narrative Homeric laughter seized all -present, and Aristophanes patted the Stagirite on the back, saying: -"Pray, consider yourself engaged. At the next performance of my best -comedy you will be my protagonist." Aristotle thanked him with much -grace, and continued: "I was naturally very curious to learn what my -Professor of History thought of the great Greeks of my own time and of -that of my ancestors. I mentioned Homer. I had barely done so but what -my professor burst into a coarse and disdainful guffaw. - -"'Homer?' he exclaimed; 'Homer?--but of whom do you speak? -Homer is nothing more nor less than a multiple syndicate of -street-ballad-singers who, by a belated process of throwing back the -"reflex" of present and modern events to remote ages, and by the -well-known means of literary contamination, epical syncretism, and -religious, mythopoeic, and subconscious impersonation have been hashed -into the appearance of one great poet. - -"'Our critical methods, my young friend, are so keen that, to speak by -way of simile, we are able to spot, from looking at the footprints of a -man walking in the sand, what sort of buttons he wore on his cuffs. - -"'Poor Cuvier--otherwise one of my revered colleagues--used to say: -"Give me a tooth of an animal and I will reconstruct the rest of the -animal's body." What is Cuvier's feat as compared with ours? He still -wanted a tooth; he still was in need of so clumsy and palpable a thing -as a tooth; perhaps a molar. We, the super-Cuviers of history, we do -not want a tooth any more than toothache; we want nothing. No tooth, -no footprint even, simply nothing. Is it not divine? We form, as it -were, an _Ex Nihilo_ Club. We have nothing, we want nothing, and yet -give everything. Although we have neither leg to stand on, nor tooth to -bite with, we staunchly prove that Homer was not Homer, but a lot of -Homers. Is that not marvellous? But even this, my young friend, is only -a trifle. We have done far greater things. - -"'These ancient Greeks (quite clever fellows, I must tell you, and some -of them _could_ write grammatical Greek), these ancient Greeks had, -amongst other remarkable men, one called Aristotle. He wrote quite a -number of works; of course, not quite as many as he thought he did. For -we have proved by our _Ex Nihilo_ methods that much of what he thought -he had written was not written by him, but dictated. We have gone even -so far (I myself, although used to our exploits, stand sometimes agape -at our sagacity), we have gone so far as to prove that in the dictation -of some of his writings Aristotle was repeatedly interrupted by letters -or telephonic messages, which accounts for gaps and other shortcomings. - -"'Well, this man Aristotle (for, we have not yet pluralised him, -although I--but this would pass your horizon, my young friend)--this -clever man has left us, amongst other works, one called "Politics." It -is not wanting in quality, and it is said, if with certain doubts, that -there are a few things to be learnt from it. It is, of course, also -said that no professor has ever learnt them. But this is mere calumny. -Look at their vast commentaries. Of course, how can one accept some of -the glaring fallacies of Aristotle? Imagine, that man Aristotle wants -us to believe that nearly all Greek states were founded, equipped with -a constitution, and in a word, completely fitted out by _one_ man in -each case. Thus, that Sparta was founded, washed, dressed, fed, and -educated by one Lycurgus. How ridiculous! - -"'Having proved, as we have, that Homer's poetry, a mere book, was -made by a Joint Stock Company, Unlimited, how can we admit that a big -and famous state like Sparta was ordered, cut out, tailored, stuffed -and set on foot by one man? Where would be Evolution? If a state like -Sparta was made in the course of a few months by one man, what would -Evolution do with all the many, many years and ages she has to drag -along? Why, she would die with _ennui_, bored to death. Can we admit -that? _Can one let Evolution die?_ Is she not a nice, handy, comely -Evolution, and so useful in the household that we cannot be happy -until we get her? To believe in a big, important state like Sparta -having been completely established by one man is like saying that -my colleague, the Professor of Zoology, taking a shilling bottle of -Bovril, has reconstituted out of its contents a live ox walking stately -into his lecture-room. Hah-hah-hah! Very good joke. (Secretary! Put it -into my table-talk! Voltairian joke! serious, but not grave.) - -"'Now, you see, my young friend, in that capital point Aristotle was -most childishly mistaken; and even so in many another point. We have -definitely done away with all state-founders of the ancients. Romulus -is a myth; so is Theseus; so is Moses; so is Samson (not to speak of -Delilah); so is everybody who pretended to have founded a city-state. -Since he never existed, how could he have founded anything? Could I -found a city-state? Or any state, except a certain state of mind, in -which I say that no single man can found a city-state? Could I? Of -course, I could not. Well then, how could Lycurgus? Was he a LL.D.? -Was he a member of the British Academy? Was he a professor at Oxford? -Had he written numerous letters to _The Times_? Was he subscriber to -so respectable a paper as _The Spectator_? It is ridiculous to speak -of such a thing. Lycurgus founding Sparta! It is too amusing for -words. These are all myths. Whatever we cannot understand, we call a -myth; and since we do not understand many things, we get every day a -richer harvest of myths. We are full of them. We are the real living -mythology.' - -"To this long oration," Aristotle continued, "I retorted as calmly -as I could, that we Greeks had states totally different from those -of the moderns, just as the latter had a Church system absolutely -different from our religious institutions; so that if anyone had tried -to persuade an Athenian of my time that a few hundred years later there -would be Popes, or single men claiming and obtaining the implicit -obedience of all believers in all countries, the Athenian would sooner -have gone mad than believe such stuff. For, to him, as a Greek, it must -have seemed hopelessly incredible that an office such as that of the -universal Pope should ever be tolerated; or, in other words, that a -single man should ever be given such boundless spiritual power. I said -all that with much apparent deference; but my professor got more and -more out of control. - -"'What,' said he, 'what do you drag in Popes for? We talk of Lycurgus, -not of Popes. Was Lycurgus a Christian? Let us stick to the point. The -point is that Lycurgus never existed, since so many professors, who do -exist beyond doubt, deny his historical existence. Now, either you deny -the existence of these professors, which you can't; or you deny that -of Lycurgus, which you must. Existence cannot include non-existence. -For, non-existence is, is it not?--the negation of existence. And since -the professors exist, their non-existence would involve us in the -most exasperating contradictions with them, with ourselves, and with -the daily Press. This, however, would be a disaster too awful to be -seriously thought of. Consequently, Lycurgus did not exist; nor did any -other state-founding personality in Greek or Roman times. - -"'In fact when you come to think of it, nobody ever existed except -ourselves. Adam was not; he will be at the end of ends. The whole -concept of the world is wrong as understood by the vulgar. Those old -Greek and Roman heroes, like Aristomenes, Coriolanus, Cincinnatus, -never existed for a day. Nor did the Doric Migration, the Twelve -Tables, and lots of other so-called events. They have been invented -by schoolmasters for purposes of exams. Did Draco's laws ever exist? -Ridiculous. That man Aristotle speaks of them, but it is as evident as -soap that he invented them for mods. or other exams. of his. - -"'The vulgar constantly ask me whether or no history repeats itself. -What, for goodness' sake, does that matter to me? It is sufficient -for all purposes that historians repeat each other, for it is in -that way that historical truth is established. Or do not the great -business-princes thus establish their reputation? They go on repeating -"Best furniture at Staple's," "Best furniture at Staple's," three -hundred and sixty-five times a year, in three hundred and sixty-five -papers a day. By repetition of the same thing they establish truth. So -do we historians. That's business. What, under the circumstances, does -it matter, whether history itself does or does not repeat itself? - -"'One arrogant fellow who published a wretched book on "General -History," thought wonders what he did not do by saying, that -"_History does repeat itself in institutions, but never in events or -persons._" Can such drivel be tolerated! Why, the repetition by and -through persons (read: historians) is the very soul of history. We in -this country have said and written in and out of time and on every -sort of paper, that the "Decline and Fall of the Burmese Empire" -is the greatest historical work ever written by a Byzantine, or a -post-Byzantine. We have said it so frequently, so incessantly, that at -present it is an established truth. Who would dare to say that it is -not? Why, the very _Daily Nail_ would consider such a person as being -beneath it. - -"'We real historians go for facts only. Ideas are sheer dilettantism. -Give us facts, nothing but single, limited, middle-class facts. In the -Republic of Letters we do not suffer any lordly ideas, no more than the -idea of lords. One fact is as good as another, and far worse. Has not -our greatest authority taught that the British Empire was established -in and by absent-mindedness, that is, without a trace of reasoned -ideas? As the British Empire, even so the British historians, and, -_cela vo sang dir_, all the other historians. Mind is absent. "Mind" is -a periodical; not a necessity. We solid researchers crawl from one fact -to another for crawling's sake.'" - - * * * * * - -The gods and heroes were highly amused with the tale of Aristotle, -and it was with genuine delight that they saw him resume the story of -his experiences at the seats of learning. "When I left the Professor -of History," continued Aristotle, "I felt somewhat heavy and dull. -I could not easily persuade myself that such utter confusion should -reign in the study of history after so many centuries of endless -research. I hoped that the little ones might have made more real -advance in philosophy; and with a view to ascertain the fact, I entered -a lecturing hall where a professor was even then holding forth on my -treatise 'De Anima.' He had just published a thick book on my little -treatise, although (or perhaps because?...) another professor, a -Frenchman, had recently published a much thicker book on it. - -"I listened very attentively, but could not understand a word -of what he said. He treated me text-critically, philologically, -hermeneutically,--everything, except understandingly. I felt that my -treatise was not mine at all. It was his. At a given moment I could -not help uttering aloud a sarcastic remark about the professor's -explanations. Down he came on me like thunder, and with a triumphant -sneer he proved to me that what I had said I had not said at all. -In that I differed entirely from a great statesman of theirs, who -_had_ said what he had said. The professor put me under a regular -examination, and after twenty minutes formally ploughed me in 'De -Anima.' - -"This was a novel experience for me. In the Middle Ages, it is true, -I had repeatedly had the same experience, and Albertus Magnus and St -Thomas Aquinas had done me the same honour. But in modern times I had -not yet experienced it. The next day I called upon the professor, who -lived in a beautiful house, filled with books, amongst which I saw a -great number of editions of my own works. - -"I asked him whether he had ever cared to study the _anima_, or what -they call the psychology of animals. I added that Aristotle had -evidently done so, as his works explicitly prove, and that after he -had surveyed all sorts of souls in the vegetable, animal and human -kingdom, both normal and pathological, he wrote his treatise 'De -Anima,' the real sense of which must escape him who has not taken such -a wide range of the question. Ah--you ought to have seen the professor! -He jumped from his seat, took another whisky and soda and said: 'My -young friend, the first thing in science is to distinguish well. _Bene -docet qui bene distinguit._ You speak of animals. What have they to do -with human psychology? Their souls are studied by my colleague who goes -in for comparative psychology; or rather by several of my colleagues, -one of whom studies the comparative psychology of the senses; the -other that of the emotions; the third that of memory; the fourth--the -fifth--the sixth, etc., etc., etc. - -"'I, I stick to my point. I have my speciality. You might think that -my speciality is psychology, or Aristotle's psychology. Not at all. -This is all too vague, too general. My speciality is quite special; a -particularly singular speciality: the text of Aristotle's psychology. -And even that goes too far; for what I really call my speciality -is _my_ version of the text which is said to have been written by -Aristotle. - -"'Now at last we are on firm ground. What under those conditions need -I trouble about cats and rats? The latter, the rats, have, I admit, -some little importance for me. They have in their time devoured parts -of Aristotle's manuscripts, and I have now to reconstitute what they -have swallowed. I am to them a kind of literary Beecham's Pill. But -as to cats, mules or donkeys? What have they to do with me? Can they -influence my version of the text? Hardly. - -"'My young friend, if Aristotle himself came to me, I should tell him: -"My good man, unless you accept my version of your text, you are out of -court. I am a professor, and you are only an author. Worse than that--a -Greek author. As theologians fix the value and meaning of gospel-words; -as the State makes a piece of worthless paper worth five pounds -sterling by a mere declaration; even so we say what you Aristotle did -say. What _you_ said or meant is indifferent; what we say you said or -meant is alone of consequence." How then could even Aristotle refute me -regarding my view of his views? It is logically impossible. - -"'Don't you see, this is why we have invented our beautiful system -of excessive specialisation. Where each of us studies only one very -small thing, there he need not fear much competition, but may hope for -exclusive authority. We shall soon establish chairs for professors of -philosophy, who will study, each of them, just a mere splinter of a -twig of one branch of the tree of philosophy; or better still, just -one leaf of such a twig of such a branch; and finally, just a dewdrop -on such a leaf of such a twig of such a branch. Then we shall have -completed our network of authority. - -"'Our contemptible enemies say that our talk about Aristotle and -Plato is like the gossip of lackeys in the pot-house about their -noble masters. We know better. You are a young man. I will give you a -bit of profound advice. If you want to make your way in the literary -world rapidly and with ease, hitch on your name to some universally -acknowledged celebrity. Do not write on obscure, if great authors or -heroes; but pick out Homer, Plato, Dante, Shakespeare, Goethe, or -Napoleon. Write constantly on some speciality of these men; thus, -on the adjectives in Homer; on the neutral article in Plato; on the -conjunctions in Dante; on the plant-lore in Shakespeare; on the names -of women in Goethe; or on the hats of Napoleon. - -"'Your name will then incessantly be before the public together with -that of Homer or Shakespeare or Napoleon. After a time, by a natural -association of ideas, something of the lustre of the immortal will -fall on you. Note how the most elaborate writers on, say Shakespeare, -are almost invariably men of the most sincere mediocrity. They are, -nevertheless, exceedingly clever tacticians. They become "authorities." -We are not authorities because we are specialists; we have, on the -contrary, introduced the system of specialities in order to pass -for authorities. To use Plato's terms: our whole business spells -_effectology_, and nothing else. Take this to heart and be successful.' - - * * * * * - -"On leaving the professor," Aristotle said, "I felt that I had -made several steps forward in the comprehension of that system -of specialisation which I heard praised and admired in all the -Universities. I need not tell you, my friends, how utterly wrong -that system is. As humans do not think in words, but in whole -sentences, so Nature does not act in particulars, but in wholes. The -particulars are ours, not Nature's. In making them we act arbitrarily. -Why should dentistry be one speciality? Why should there not be -thirty-two different specialist dentists for our thirty-two teeth? -All specialisation in the realm of knowledge is rank arbitrariness. -Without exception, the great leading ideas in all organised thought -have invariably been made by wholesale thinkers like Pythagoras, Plato, -I venture to add: myself, Lionardo da Vinci, Kepler, Newton, Pascal, -Leibniz, Darwin. That is precisely where humans differ from animals. -All animals are the most conceited specialists." - -Here Diogenes interrupted: "Does the converse hold good, O Aristotle?" - -"I will leave," Aristotle replied with a smile, "the consideration of -this case to your own discretion. I do repeat it, that each animal is -an out-and-out specialist. It troubles about nothing else than the two -or three things it takes a professional interest in. It eats, sleeps, -and propagates; occasionally it adds a tightly circumscribed activity -of some kind. That's why animals do not talk. It is not part of their -speciality. They do not talk for the same reason that the English do -not produce fine music, nor the Prussians tactful behaviour. In all -these cases the interest of the specialist lies elsewhere. - -"Does a modern specialist in heart-diseases study the kidneys? Does -a specialist in surgery care to study the nerves? Even so an animal -does not care to speak. It is a specialist; it restricts itself to -its 'business,' to 'the point.' The little ones say that animals have -no general ideas, and that is why they cannot speak. But have human -specialists any general ideas of anything, and yet--do they not speak? -The argument is too foolish for words. - -"Why, Nature created men in order to have a few _generalists_, if I may -say so, amongst all the specialists called animals or plants; just as -amongst men she created Homers and Platos and Galileos and Leibnizes, -in order to save the rest of humans from their evil tendency to -over-specialisation. It is a plan as plain as transparent glass. - -"Thousands of years ago Nature found out that, with all these endless -vegetal and animal specialists on hand, she would soon have to declare -herself bankrupt. One specialist ignored the other; or hampered, hurt, -and paralysed the other; they could not understand one another, because -they had no common interest. In her predicament, Nature created human -beings for the same reason that men invented the locomotive or the -telegraph. She could no longer be without him. Man was, by his very -needs, obliged to drop over-specialisation. He interested himself, -for a variety of ends and reasons, in stones as much as in plants and -animals. By exterminating some of the most damaging species of animals, -he saved the life of millions of specimens of other animals that would -otherwise have been killed out by ferocious specialists, such as the -tiger, the leopard, and the wolf. The same he did to plants, and partly -to rivers and lakes. He brought a little order into this pandemonium of -specialists in Nature. - -"Look at the sea. There man was unable to exert his power for order -by general ideas. Look at the indescribable disorder and chaos and -monstrosity of life and living beings in the sea. They are hideous, -like an octopus; short-lived, nay, of a few minutes' duration, like -the jelly-fish; fearful and yet cowardly like a shark; abominably -under-sized or over-sized; incapable of any real passion, except that -of eating and drinking. This liquid mass of fanatic and unsystematised -specialists render the sea as inferior to the land as is Thibet to Holy -Athens. People travelling in that ocean of specialists are exasperated -by foul sea-sickness; and empires built on it have repeatedly been -destroyed in a single week; ay, in one day. - -"The dread of being swamped by specialists has driven Nature into -creating the most grotesque compositions of beings half plant and half -animal, or half stone and half plant; or again half male and half -female; or half land-animal, half fish. Another way adopted by Nature -in her attempt to obviate the ravages of specialists was by giving -them exceedingly short shrift, and just a mere speck of existence; or -again by forcing them to form big corporations and societies, such as -forests, prairies, meadows, swarms, troupes. - -"In fact Nature is a free lance fighting incessantly the evil done by -the specialists. Ask Poseidon what trouble the sea gives him; ask Æolus -how his life is made a misery through the mad freaks of the various -specialists in winds. And what is the deep, underlying reason of all -this insane race for specialism? I will tell you that in one word. It -is Envy and Jealousy. In certain countries Envy and Jealousy are the -inextinguishable and ubiquitous hydra of life. - -"Take England. She is a democracy, if a masked one. Hence Jealousy is -the dominating trait of her citizens. Jealousy has, thousands of years -ago, invented railways, telegraphs, wired and wireless ones, telephones -and Röntgen-rays, and all the rest of the infernal machines whereby -Space, Time, and Work is shortened, curtailed, annihilated. Jealousy -has at all times sent wireless messages over and through all the houses -of a town or an entire country. It has Röntgenised the most hidden -interiors; and its poison runs more quickly through all the veins and -nerves of men than does the electric spark. - -"Look at the customs, social prejudices, or views of that nation. Over -one half of them was introduced to disarm the ever-present demon of -Jealousy. Why is a man a specialist? Because in that way he disarms -Jealousy more quickly and more surely than by any other expedient. It -gives him an air both of modesty and of strength by concentration. -In reality it does neither. It is only an air. The so-called Reality -consists of nothing but unrealities, of shams, and masks. A specialist -is not a master of his subject; he is a master of the art than which -there is no greater, the art of making other people believe that you -are not what you are, but what _they_ want you to be. - -"Nature has a horror of specialists; and she will reveal her secrets to -an insane poet rather than to a specialist. Most great inventions were -made either by 'outsiders,' or by young men who had not yet had the -time to harden into specialists. In specialisation there is nothing but -a total misunderstanding of Nature. - -"Nature acts by instantaneous correlation and co-operation of different -parts to one end; and to specialise is tantamount to taking a clock -to pieces, putting them separately in a row on the table, and then -expecting them to give you the exact time. - -"In Nature there is no evolution, but only co-evolution; there is no -differentiation but only co-differentiation. The little ones have -quite overlooked all that; and that is why so many of the statements -of co-differentiation in my zoology can be neither confirmed nor -refuted by them. Who dare say which is a 'part' in Nature? Is the hand -a 'part,' that is, something that might legitimately be told off as a -speciality? Or must it be studied in connection with the arm, or with -its homologies in the nether part of the body? - -"In the same way: what constitutes a 'period' in history? Any division -of a hundred or a thousand years by two, three, or four? Or by a -division of twenty-five or thirty only? Who can tell? A man who says -he is a specialist in the thirteenth century, is he not like a man who -pretends that he is a specialist in respiration in the evening? - -"Nature does specialise; witness her innumerable specialists. But do -we know, do we possess the slightest idea as to how she does it? Can -we prove why a goose has its peculiar head and not that of a stork? -Evidently not, because we do not know what Nature calls a part, a -speciality. She abhors specialists, just because they know so little of -_her_ way of specialising." - - * * * * * - -At this point of Aristotle's speech, Aristophanes asked for leave to -protest. Having obtained it from Zeus, he commenced forthwith: "O -Father of Nature and Man, I can no longer stand the invective of the -Stagirite. In his time he was prudent enough to postpone his birth -till after my mortal days; otherwise I should have treated him as I -did Meton and Socrates, and other philosophers. But here he shall not -escape me. Just imagine, this man wants to deprive creation of the best -fun that is offered to the thinking beings amongst animals and humans. - -"I wish he had overheard, as I have, when the other night I passed -through an old forest near Darlington, a conversation between an old -owl, a black woodpecker, and a badger. The owl sat, somewhat lower than -usual on a birch-tree, while the woodpecker stopped his work at the -bark of the groaning tree, and the badger had left his hole in order -to enjoy the cool breath of the night. The owl said: 'Good-evening, -Mr Woodpecker, how is business? Many worms beneath the bark?' The -woodpecker replied: 'Thanks, madam, there is a slump, but one must put -up with what one can get.' - -"The badger then complained that he passed tedious hours in the ground, -and he wished he could again see the exciting times of a few hundred -thousand years ago when earthquakes and other catastrophes made -existence more entertaining. 'Quite so,' said the owl, 'the forest is -getting too civilised, and too calm. But you see, my friends, I have -provided for much solid amusement for my old days. I used to visit a -human's room, who read a great number of books. I asked him to teach -me that art. I found it easy enough, only that these humans will read -in a straight line from left to right, and I am accustomed to circular -looks all round. - -"'When I had quite acquired the art, I read some of his books. They -were all about us folk in the forest. Once I chanced upon a chapter on -owls. You may easily imagine how interested I was. I had not yet read -a few pages, when I was seized with such a laughter that the professor -became very indignant and told me to leave him. This I did; but -whenever he read his books, I read them too, perched on a tree not far -from his study. I cannot tell you how amusing it was. - -"'These humans tell stories about us owls, and about you, Mr -Woodpecker, and Mr Badger, that would cause a sloth to dance with joy. -They imagine they know how we see, how we fly, how we get our food, and -how we make our abodes. As a matter of fact they have hopelessly wrong -notions about all these things. They want, as my venerated father used -to say, to tap the lightning off into nice little flasks, in order to -study it conveniently. This they call Evolution. - -"'The idea was mostly developed in England, in a country where they -are proud of thinking that they always "muddle through somehow." These -three words they apply to Nature, and call it Evolution. Once upon a -time, they say--it does not matter whether 200,000 or 300,000 years, -or perchance 645,789 years ago--there was my ancestor who, by mere -accident, had an eye that enabled him to see more clearly at night than -other birds did. This eye enabled him to catch more prey, thus to live -longer, and to transmit his _nocturne_ of an eye to his progeny. And -so by degrees we muddled into owlship. - -"'Is that not charming? My father used to laugh at that idea until all -the cuckoos came to inquire what illness had befallen him. He told me, -that an owl's eye was in strict correlation with definite and strongly -individual formations of the ears, of the neck, of the feet, and of -the intestines, and that accordingly a mere accidental change in the -supposed ancestor's eye was totally insufficient to account for the -corresponding and correlative formations just mentioned. - -"'Such correlative and simultaneous changes in various organs can -be the consequences only of a violent and, as it were, fulgurous -shock to the whole system of a bird. Such shocks are not a matter of -slow growth. As all individual animal life at present is called into -existence by one shock of fulgurant forces, even so it arose originally. - -"'But the English think that Nature is by birth an Englishman who -adopts new organisms as Englishmen adopt new systems of measures, -calendars, inventions, or laws,--_i.e._ hundreds of years after someone -else has fulgurated them out. - -"'They imagine Nature to be, by rank and profession, a middle-class -man and muddler; by religion, a Nonconformist; and by politics, a -Liberal. However, we know better. Nature is, by rank and profession, -a free lance and a genius; by religion, a Roman Catholic; and by -politics, a Tory of the Tories. Now this being so, you may imagine, Mr -Woodpecker and Mr Badger, what capital fun it is to read these learned -lucubrations about birds and other animals as written by humans. - -"'The other day I called on Master Fox in the neighbourhood. He was -ill and, in order to amuse him, I told him what they say of him in -human books. He fairly burst with laughter. He told me later on, that -by narrating all the Don Quixote stories told of him by man, to a big -brown bear, he became the court-favourite of that dreaded king of the -place. - -"'I have sent the swiftest bat, to whom I gave a safe conduct, to all -the birds and animals of this country, to meet at a given time on -one of the peaks of the Hartz Mountains, where I mean to entertain -them with the stories told by specialists on each of them, on their -structure, functions, and mode of life. It will be the greatest fun -we have had these two thousand years. I charged the nightingales, the -larks, and the mocking birds of America to open the meeting with the -most wonderful chorus that they have ever sung, and I am sure that I -will deserve well of the whole community of birds and other animals by -offering them this the most exhilarating amusement imaginable.' - -"So spake the owl. And now, O Zeus, can you really brook Aristotle's -attempt to demolish and to remove men who furnish pleasure and intense -amusement to so many animals holy to men and even to the gods? I -cannot believe it. You know how necessary it is to provide carefully -for the amusement of people. To neglect Dionysus is to court hideous -punishment. If the specialists in Nature should disappear, you will, -O Zeus, have endless anarchy on all sides. Birds, insects, snakes, -and reptiles, lions, felines, and bears--they will all rise in bored -discontent, in the waters, on land, in the air. You will never have a -free moment for calm repose. - -"They will worry all the gods incessantly. They will make the most -annoying conspiracies and plots and intrigues against all of us. Let -us not take Aristotle seriously. He means well, and is no doubt quite -right, as far as reason goes. But does reason go very far? Can he now -deny the eternal rights of unreason? To remove the specialists in -biology and natural history is to remove the comedy from Athens. The -Athenians, in order to be ruled, must be entertained. But for me and -the like of me, the Athenians could never have held out as long as they -did hold out. It is even so with animals. They want their Aristophanes. -They must have their specialists. Pray, Artemis, you who in your -hunts over dales and mountains have heard and observed everything -that concerns animals, join me in protesting against the onslaught of -Aristotle on men so necessary for the well-being of animated Nature." - - * * * * * - -Artemis Diana laughed melodiously and nodded consent. The other gods, -amidst great hilarity, passed a vote against Aristotle, and the sage -smilingly bowed acceptance of the censure. - -"I will abide," he exclaimed, "by your decision. But, pray, let me -make just one more remark which, I have no doubt, the master-minds of -the unique city, over which we are hovering at present, will gladly -approve. I call upon you Lionardo, Michelangelo, Machiavelli, and -you magnificent Lorenzo, whether I am exceeding the limits of truth. -I do maintain that while the little ones have, in religion, gone from -Polytheism to Monotheism, they pretend that in matters of knowledge -time is constantly increasing the number of gods to be worshipped. - -"At present they affect to believe no longer in the numerous gods and -goddesses of the Olympus, but only in one God. In point of knowledge, -on the other hand, they declare that each little department thereof -is endless, requiring the study and devotion of a whole lifetime, -and controlled, each of them, by a god whom they call an authority. -Now, nothing can be more evident than the fact that knowledge, real -knowledge, becomes increasingly more stenographic in expression, and -sensibly easier of acquisition. The Chinese write encyclopædias in -6000 volumes; the modern Europeans do so in twenty-four or thirty-six -volumes." - -Here Diogenes interrupted the Stagirite and said: "I am afraid, O -Aristotle, that your argument has little real force to boast of. It -does not prove at all that the Chinese have only crude, empirical, and -unorganised knowledge, while the little ones in Europe have a reasoned -and systematised, and hence a less cumbrous one. This is owing to quite -a different cause. - -"The little ones have of late invented a method of publishing -encyclopædias in a manner so well adapted to tempt, threaten, bully, -or wire each member of the general public into the purchase of an -entire copy, that if their encyclopædias consisted of 6000 or 10,000 -volumes each, the people of England, for instance, would have to -conquer Norway, Sweden, and Iceland first. Norway they would be -obliged to conquer, in order to possess themselves of sufficient -wood for the cases; Sweden, in order to appoint all Swedish gymnasts -for the acrobatic feat of fetching a volume from the fiftieth row of -a bookcase; and Iceland, in order to place excited readers of the -encyclopædia in a cool place. But for this circumstance, I am sure the -little ones in Europe would fain publish an encyclopædia in 15,000 -volumes." - - * * * * * - -When the laughter of the Assembly had subsided, Aristotle continued: -"Nothing has struck me more forcibly in my visit to their seats of -learning than this universal belief in the infinitude of each tiny -department or speciality. They do most gravely assert that 'nowadays' -it is impossible to embrace more than one speciality; and they look -upon me or Leibniz with a certain knowing smile as if in our times all -knowledge would have consisted of a few jugs full of water, whereas -now it is no less than an ocean. But when you ask them the simplest -questions, they are at a loss how to answer them. - -"I asked one of their most famous specialists why the eyebrows of men -are shorter than the moustaches. He did not know it. How could he? -It takes the knowledge of at least five so-called specialities to -answer such a question. I asked their most learned specialist in their -language, why the English have dropped the use of 'thou,' although no -other European nation has done so. He did not know it. - -"They study a given subject when death has driven out all life from it. -They do not trouble about language as a living organism, full of fight, -of movement, of ruses, of intrigues, of sins and graces; but only of -language when it lies motionless, a veritable corpse, on the table -of the anatomical dissector and dictionary-fiend. They do not study -a butterfly when it is in full life, flirting, pilfering, gossiping, -merrymaking; but only when it is motionless, lifeless, pierced by a -pin. This is how they get their specialities. - -"Death indeed is the greatest of all specialisers. As soon as a man is -dead, each hair or bone on or in his body takes up a separate line of -decay, caring nothing for the other, full of scorn for its immediate -neighbour, sulking by itself, wandering to the Styx alone and sullen. - -"In England they have pushed that belief in specialities to a funereal -degree. I wonder they allow a man to play one of their instruments, -called the piano, with both his hands at a time. I wonder they do not -insist that a given piece by Chopin be played by two men, one of whom -should first play the part for the right hand, and afterwards the -other man the part for the left hand. To play both parts at a time, -and to have that done by one single man too,--what presumption! How -superficial! - -"In law they have long acted in this sense. There is one man, called -the solicitor (--a very good name--), who plays the bass, or left-hand -part with a vengeance, for several weeks. When that is done; when the -'hearer' or client lies prostrate on the ground from the infernal noise -made by the solicitor's music, the solicitor hands over the whole case -to the other man, the barrister, who plays the most tortuous treble, in -a manner likely to madden Pan himself. - -"The idea, accepted by all the other nations of Europe, that the whole -prejudicial business of a legal contention might very well be left to -one man, to a lawyer proper,--what presumption! How superficial! - -"But when you tell them that they browbeat their own principle of -specialisation by taking their judges from amongst late barristers, -then they wax into an august anger. Yet no other nation does that. The -function of a judge is radically different from that of a barrister. -After a man has been a barrister for twenty years; after all his mind -has taken the creases and folds of barristerdom; after he has quite -specialised himself in that particular line, he is unlikely to have the -best qualities of a judge. If a barrister cannot be a solicitor; why -should he be at once, and suddenly able to become judge? - -"Their arguments to that effect are most amusing. They dance a real -war-dance round the truth that they mean to scalp. - -"The truth of course is that all the three have one and the same -speciality: that of running England. That country is lawyer-ridden, as -Egypt was priest-ridden, or Babylonia scribe-ridden. The English being -too proud to be stingy or petty in money matters, do not mind their -rulers, the solicitors-barristers-judges, because these deprive them -eventually only of what the English do not hold in great esteem, small -sums of money. In France, where people cling fanatically to a penny, -the barristers have not been allowed to become judges. In France -specialisation in law has triumphed, where in England it has failed. - -"Does that not show that specialisation is done, not in obedience to -the behests of truth, but to those of interests? - -"We Hellenes specialised on small city-states; we did not want to -widen out indefinitely into huge states; just because we wanted to -give each citizen a chance of coining out all his human capital, and -not to become, like our slaves, a limited specialist. In a huge state -specialisation becomes inevitable. In such states they must, more or -less, sterilise the human capital of millions of citizens, just as we -Hellenes sterilised the political capital of thousands of slaves. - -"Specialisation _is_ enslaving, if not downright slavery. It furthers -truth very little; it cripples man. - -"Just as a man who talks several languages well, will write his own -idiom better than do his less accomplished compatriots; even so the -man who keeps his mind open to more than one aspect of things, to more -than one 'speciality' will be by far more efficient than his less -broad-minded colleagues. Man may and shall invent, as I have long -predicted it, highly specialised machines doing the work of the weaver, -or the baker. But he himself must not become a machine. This is what -happens 'now,' as the little ones say all over Europe and America. - -"Not only have they formed states with many, many millions of -people each. Worse than that, they have agglomerated the majority -of these millions into a few towns of unwieldy size. In those towns -specialisation is carried into every fibre of men and women. This -desiccates them, disemotions them, sterilises them. We Hellenes gladly -admit that the Europeans of the last four centuries have excelled us in -one art: in music. But their period for this exceeding excellence is -now gone. - -"By over-specialisation of thought and heart, caused chiefly by -over-urbanisation, the very wells of music begin to dry up. The music -of the day is hysterical, neurasthenic, and false. It is the cry, -not of an aching heart, but of an aching tooth, of a gouty toe, or a -rheumatic nerve. It does not weep; it coughs phthisically. It does not -sigh; it sneezes. It is a blend of what we used to call Phrygian and -Corybantic rhapsodies. - -"And as in music, even so in character. Where each individual distorts -himself or herself into a narrow speciality, there people must needs -become as angular, lop-sided, and grotesque as possible. They are, when -together in a room, like the words on a page of a dictionary: they have -nothing to communicate to one another. There they stand, each in his -cage, uncommunicative, sulky, and forbidding. One thinks in F major; -the other in F sharp minor. Harmony amongst them is impossible. Every -one of them is hopelessly right in every one of his ideas; and of all -mental processes, that of doubt or hesitation in judgment is the last -they practise. - -"A specialist does not doubt. Why should he? To him the most -complicated things human appear as mere specialities, that is, as mere -fragments. A woman is only a specialist in parturition. A physician -is only a specialist in writing Latin words on small slips of paper. -A barrister is only a man who wears neither moustache nor beard. A -clergyman is practically a collar buttoning behind, and supported by a -sort of man inside it. In that way everything is so simplified that no -difficulty of comprehending it remains. - -"All this clearly proves, O Empedocles, how right and, at the same -time, how wrong you were in your view of the origin of things. Perhaps -you were right in saying that the parts or organs of our bodies arose -singly, or, as it were, as specialists. In times long before us there -arose, as you taught, heads without necks; arms wandering alone in -space; eyes, without foreheads, roaming about by themselves. But -when you say that all this happened only at the beginning of things, -you are, I take it, sorely mistaken. Indeed it is still going on in -countries where specialism reigns supreme; at anyrate it is going on -in the moral world. In such countries you still see arms wandering -alone in space, or eyes roaming about without foreheads, as well as -heads without brains flying about in space. Not literally, of course. -But what else is a character-specialist cultivating exclusively _one_ -quality of the human soul than an arm wandering about alone? The little -ones must come back to the Hellenic idea of seeing things as a whole, -and not, as do wretched flies, as mere chips of things." - - * * * * * - -The divine Assembly had listened deferentially to the great sage. Zeus -now charged Hermes to fetch some of the masterpieces from the room -called the _Tribuna_ at the Uffizi in Florence. Hermes, aided by a -number of nymphs, fetched them and, placing them in the midst of the -Assembly, exhibited their perfect beauty to the gods and heroes. This -refreshed their souls sickened with the story of the serfdom of modern -over-specialism. - - - - -THE SECOND NIGHT - -DIOGENES AND PLATO ON TOLSTOY, IBSEN, SHAW, ETC. - - -On the second night the Olympians assembled at Pompeii. It was a balmy, -starry night. The ruins of the old town, white in their marble dresses, -shone with a spectral brightness against the mountains, bays, and -meadows surrounding them. From Stabiæ and Gragnano opposite one could -hear the pipe of Pan and the laughter of his nymphs, and on the dark -water there were magic boats carrying Circe and her maids to their blue -grotto in Capri. Selene sent her mildest rays over the scene, and grass -and stone were as if steeped in silvery dreams. The place selected for -the meeting was the amphitheatre. At a move of Zeus' right hand the -seats and alleys, which had long since disappeared under the pressure -of the ugly lava, rose from the ground. The orchestra and stage took -up their old shape, and the whole graceful space with its incomparable -view was again full of beauty, comfort, and pleasurableness. Zeus, and -his wife Juno, sat down on the central seat, and around them the other -gods and heroes. When everyone had found his or her seat, Zeus spake: -"We have heard with much contentment the experiences of Aristotle in -the country which the little ones below call England. We should now -like to hear something about the theatres in that strange land. If -life itself is so uncommon and funny in that part of the non-Grecian -world, their theatre, reflecting life, must be unusually entertaining. -Perhaps you Aristotle, as the most renowned critic of poetry and the -drama, will be good enough to give us an idea of the thing they call -drama in England." - -Whereupon Aristotle rose from his seat, and treated the immortals to -a sight which no one had as yet enjoyed: he smiled. And smilingly he -said to the almighty son of Kronos, ruler of the world: "O Zeus, your -wish is a behest, and if you insist I will of course obey. But pray, -kindly consider that I have, with your consent, withheld from these -people, who call themselves moderns, and who might better be called -_afterlings_, the second book of my 'Poetics,' in which I treat of -the comedy, the farce, the burlesque, and similar _phlyakes_, as we -term them. If now I should reveal my thoughts on the _phlyakes_ of -the English, several of their sophists, whom they call University -professors, might still add to the lava which my commentators have -spurted out upon my works, just as we see here the lava of angry -Vesuvius cover the beauteous fields in and around Pompeii. - -"May I propose the proper person to entertain us about that sort of -comedy of the English which, at present, is more or less generally -considered to be their most valuable dramatic output? If so," Aristotle -continued at a sign from Zeus, "I propose him who over there at the -right entrance of the stage lies carelessly on the ground and seems -to heed us as little as in his time he heeded the Athenians and the -Corinthians." Aristotle, raising his hand, pointed to the shabby, -untidy figure of Diogenes. When the gods and heroes heard the name -and looked at the person of the Cynic, they all burst out in immortal -laughter, and the sea, catching the gay ripple, laughed as far as -Sorrento. - - * * * * * - -Diogenes, without moving from his position, and putting one of his -legs comfortably on one of the low statues of a satyr, turned his head -towards Zeus and exclaimed: "Verily, I tell you, you only confirm me in -my old belief, that there is nothing sadder than laughter. Why should -you laugh? Are we not here to enjoy ourselves? Is not this lovely spot -one where even we might and ought to feel perfectly happy? Why, then, -laugh? I mean, of course, laugh at me. - -"I _do_ pooh-pooh all your glories. Olympus to me is not a whit more -agreeable than my tub at Corinth. This is, you understand, the reason -of my predilection for the English. They, alone of all these Europeans, -live at least for five seconds each day in a tub. - -"I also pooh-pooh your feasts, your ambrosia and nectar. For having -passed a few months in a large village they call London, I have so -completely lost my palate and taste, that for the next two thousand -years, at anyrate, I shall not be able to distinguish nectar from stale -ale, nor ambrosia from cabbage. - -"Yes, I still pooh-pooh, disdain and neglect most of the things that -you and your worshippers hold in great esteem. Alcibiades raved about -the beauty of women now limping about in the various cities of the -barbarians, and more particularly in the towns of the English. A woman! -A mere woman! What is the good of a woman unless one is rid of her? I -still think what I used to teach, that between a man and a woman there -is only a slight difference, one that is scarcely worth considering. - -"You may laugh until Vesuvius again vomits scorn upon you, but I tell -you here, at Pompeii, what I used to tell everybody at Corinth: your -glories are all gone, or ought to go. Just look at Venus. There she -sits displaying to eager-looking Pans and Sileni the loveliness of her -head and neck and figure. But what does it mean after all? Repentance -and wormwood. Look at Ares--(Mars). Does he not look as if he ruled -the world? Does he not behave as if all great things were achieved -through and by him? And what is it in reality? Mere butchery--cowardly -butchery. You laugh; of course, you do. But I mean to show you that all -that I have ever taught is nothing less than strictly true; the only -truth; truth the one. - -"Aristotle, in pointing me out as the person who can best tell you -what this new Shavian drama of England really is; Aristotle, I say, -may have acted with malice. He has, nevertheless, acted with great -wisdom. I am indeed the only man out of the world (there is none in -it), who does clearly and fully understand my little disciple who calls -himself Bernard Shaw. Of the other friends and admirers of his, he -might very well say what that great German philosopher Hegel said in -his last moments: 'One man alone has understood me well,--and even he -misunderstood me entirely.' He might with reference to my Cynic lady -friend Hipparchia also say: 'One man alone understood me well,--and she -was a woman.' - -"The fact is, Shaw, the son of Pooh-Pooh, is simply a goody disciple -of my school, of the Cynics. When I was still within that mortal -coil which men call skin and flesh, I did take all my sputterings -and utterings very seriously, or as they say in cultured Mayfair: -'_Oh grant serio_.' I really thought, as undoubtedly thinks my brave -disciple in London, that my criticism of social, political, or -religious things went deep into the essence of all that maintains -Society, the State, and the Temples. Good old Plato, it is true, hinted -at my vanity and conceit more than once, and I still feel the sting of -his remark when once, soaked all through by the rain, I was surrounded -by pitying folk: 'If you want to feel pity for Diogenes,' Plato said, -'then leave him alone.' - -"But I then did not heed any satire directed against me, being fully -occupied with satirising others all day long. However, since that time, -and since I have been given a corner in the palace of the immortals, -lying on one of the steps like a dog, as that Italian dauber, whom they -call Raphael, painted me in his 'School of Athens' (--a fresco which -might be much better had Raphael wisely chosen his age and appeared as -a Præ-Raphaelite--); ever since I have learnt a great deal, not only -about others, but also about myself. - -"While you superior people drink nectar and partake of ambrosia, I -enjoy with infinite zest the malicious pleasure of studying the capers, -antics, and poses of my posthumous selfs, the Diogeneses of that -speck on the mirror of eternity which the little ones below call 'our -time.' Could anything be more amusing to a Cynic of about twenty-two -centuries' standing like myself, who has heard and taught all the most -nerve-rasping eccentricities imaginable, than to hear Tolstoy, Shaw, -Ibsen, and _tutti quanti_, teach with thunderous ponderosity, and -with penurious fulguration their doctrines as the latest and hitherto -unheard-of delivery of the human or inhuman mind? I beg to assure you -it is excruciatingly funny. But I feel I must tell you the whole story -in due order. It happened thus. - -"I learnt from Momus that another posthumous self of mine had arisen -and, accordingly, I forthwith repaired to the place called London. -(By the way, it is a queer place. It is neither a village, nor a -town; neither a country, nor a desert; it is something of all, and -much of neither.) In one of the streets I saw an inscription over a -door--'Agency for amusements, theatres, blue bands, green bands, etc.' -I did not quite understand what blue bands had to do with amusement, -but I entered. - -"Behind the counter was a middle-aged man working busily at papers. I -addressed him: 'Be cheerful!' - -"He looked at me in a curious fashion, evidently doubting the sanity -of my mind. As a matter of fact, after a little while I could not help -seeing that he was right. How _could_ I imagine him to be cheerful? - -"I asked him for the means of seeing a theatrical piece by Shaw. He -offered a ticket, and wanted to know my name. I said 'Diogenes.' - -"He became impatient, and said: 'Diogenes--which? I mean, your family -name?' - -"'I have no other name,' I said; 'don't you know, I am Diogenes who cut -Alexander the Great?' - -"'Alexander the Great?' he said--'Why, I only know of a tailor, called -Alexander the Great. Do you mean to tell me you cut him?' - -"'No,' I said; 'I do not. I mean Alexander, King of Macedon.' - -"Whereupon he contemptuously said: 'I never heard of the gentleman, -and if he was a king of Macedon he has made a jolly fine mess of his -country--just read about the Macedonian question in to-day's _Daily -Telegraph_.' I wanted to ask him whether he was perchance Professor of -History, but other people came in, and so I left. - - * * * * * - -"On the same evening I was shown the way to a theatre, and I understood -that the piece given was _Arms and the Man_. I enjoyed myself immensely. - -"It is all very well to share the pleasures of Olympus with the gods. -Yet, by all the Graces, whenever I hear or read reminiscences of my -early youth, those unforgettable events and ideas of the time when -I walked in the streets of Athens in the wake of my revered master -Antisthenes, it gives me a thrill of pleasure,--I might almost say, a -new shiver. - -"Just fancy, here I was sitting in far-off Britannia, over two -thousand years after my mortal existence, listening to an oration--of -Antisthenes, my master, which we used to call 'Kyros.' I see very well, -O Ares, you remember the famous oration directed against you, against -all the glories of War, because even now you frown on me, and I must -ask Venus to keep you in check. I have received too many a whipping -while I was at Athens and Corinth--pray let me in peace here in our -temporary Olympus. - -"At present, as you well know, I have quite changed my ideas about war, -and much as I may have disliked you before, at present I know that -Apollo, Venus, you Ares, and Dionysus keep all mortal things agoing. -But let us amuse ourselves with the contemplation of an oration of -Antisthenes in modern Britannic. - -"Antisthenes hated war so much that he attacked the greatest and least -doubted military glory of the Athenians, their victories over the -Persians. He attacked it with serious arguments, he sneered at it, he -tried to reduce it to a mere sham. Did Antisthenes not say, that the -victory of the Athenians over the Persians at Salamis would have been -something admirable, had the Persians excelled the Athenians in point -of virtue and capability? For in that case the Athenians would have -proved even more virtuous and more capable. However, the Persians, -Antisthenes elaborately proves, were altogether inferior. Nor did they -have a true king, Xerxes being a mere sham king with a high and richly -jewelled cap on his head, sitting on a golden throne, like a doll. -Had Xerxes not to whip his soldiers into battle? What, then, is the -glory of the Athenians? None! Salamis, like all battles, was a mere -butchery, and soldiers are mere cowards, beating inferiors and running -away from superiors. So far Antisthenes. - -"The Britannic version of Antisthenes' sally against war, soldiers, and -the whole of the military spirit, I found comical in the extreme. 'Well -done' I repeatedly exclaimed within myself, when I saw the old capers -of the Cynics of my mortal time brought up again for the consumption of -people who had never heard of Cynics. That man Shaw out-Cynics many a -Cynic. He brings upon the stage a number of persons, each of whom is, -in turn, a good soul first, and then a viper; an enthusiast, and then a -liar; a virtue, and then vice itself. - -"Take the girl Raina. She begins by being ideal and enthusiastic; -ideal, because she is pure, young, and in love with her own _fiancé_; -enthusiastic, because she is in raptures over the military glory of -her _fiancé_, as would be in all truth and reality a hundred out of -each hundred girls in most countries of the sub-Shavian world. Not the -slightest inkling or fact is indicated that she is not pure, ideal, -or genuinely enthusiastic. In the next scene she is suddenly made out -to be a vicious girl, a coldly calculating minx, and we are given to -understand that she has had no end of general and particular adventures -behind her, as she hopes to have a good many in front of her. - -"Why? Why are we now to assume or believe that Raina of yesterday is -not Raina of to-day? Where is the motive, I asked myself with grim -satisfaction with the brave Cynicism of the author. Why? Simply, for -nothing. The comedy as such does not require it; no fact alleged to -have happened, substantiates it; no situation growing out of the piece -makes it a dramatic necessity. It is done simply and exclusively, in -true Cynic fashion, for the sake of ridiculing a person that began by -being enthusiastic for War. - -"It is the old story of the ugly sorceress in the child's book of -fables. 'If you praise the beauty of yonder little girl in the garden, -I will transform you into a guinea-pig; and if you still continue -doing so, I will make an old cock of you.' Even so Raina is changed -into a viper, a liar, a dissimulator, a senseless changer of lovers, -an--anything, without the slightest inner coherence, or what the -philosophers call, psychological connection. - -"The same old witch's wand is used, with the freedom of a clown, with -regard to the _fiancé_ of Raina, the young military hero. He had by a -bold cavalry charge captured a battery or two of the enemy's artillery. -How can he be forgiven such an execrable deed? How dare he succeed? -Out with the old sauce of Antisthenes! It is, of course, exceedingly -stale by this time. But the English, it appears, are so thoroughly -used to stale sauces. They will not notice it at all. And thus all the -threadbare arguments of Antisthenes are dished up again. I jubilated in -my pride. - -"The _fiancé_, Sergius, took the batteries of cannon because, we are -told, by a mistake of their commander, they were--not charged. How -witty! How clever! Antisthenes merely said that the Persians were much -inferior to the Athenians, so the latter easily got the better of the -former. But this twentieth-century dapper little Cynic goes one better. -He says, as it were, the Persians had no weapons to strike with. Who -would have thought of such an ingenious satire? - -"Please, Hermes (Mercury), do not interrupt me! I know very well what -you mean to say. In all actions of men, victory depends more on the -shortcomings of their rivals and competitors than on their own genius. -It is no special feature of military victories. Of two grocers in the -same street, one succeeds mainly because the other is neglectful and -unbusinesslike. Of two dramatists in the same country, one succeeds -because he gives the people what _they_ want, and not, as does the -other, what dramatic Art wants. And so forth _ad infinitum_. - -"But my Cynical Shavian does not heed these inconsistencies; he knows -the public will not notice them. He wants simply to ridicule War, and -the whole military spirit. Accordingly out with the witch's wand, and -let us change the hero first into a whimpering calf, and then suddenly -into a lewd he-goat, and then, for no reason whatever, into the most -mendacious magpie flying about, and finally into a little mouse caught -in a trap laid by a kitchen-maid. For this is precisely what happens to -the hero Sergius. - -"Returning from war, he is sick of it with a nauseating sea-sickness. -Why? Unknown; or, as Herbert Spencer, the next best replica of -Antisthenes in Britannia, would have said, _unknowable_. - -"Sergius is sentimentally idiotic about the nullity of his military -glory. A few moments later he cannot resist the rustic beauties of a -kitchen-maid, one minute after he had disentangled himself out of the -embraces of his beautiful, young, and worshipped _fiancé_. The he-goat -is upon him. Why? Unknown, unknowable. - -"Here in our fourth dimension we know very well (do we not, Ares?) that -soldiers have done similar _escapades_? But have barristers done less? -Have all solicitors proved bosom-proof? Has no dramatist ever been -sorely tempted by buxomness and vigorous development of youthful flesh? -One wonders. - -"Why then bring up such stuff, without the slightest reason, without -the slightest need, internal or external? But the soldier, do you not -see, must be run down. He must be ridiculed. It must be shown that he -is only a cowardly mouse caught in the trap laid for him by that very -kitchen-maid whom at first he treats merely as a well-ordered mass of -tempting flesh, and whom in the end he--marries. - -"This trait is delicious. I have frequently been in Mysia, or what -these people now call Bulgaria, where Shaw's scene is laid. The idea of -a Bulgarian gentleman of the highest standing marrying a kitchen-maid -gave me a fit of laughter. In eccentric England a high-born gentleman -may very well marry a barmaid. In Bulgaria a nobleman will no more -marry a servant-girl than his own mother. He has known too many of -them; he can study her carefully, encyclopædically, without marrying -her in the least. For, _she_ will never love _him_. - -"Of course, my acolyte full well knows that the English are not at all -conversant with any nation south of Dover Straits, and that one may -tell them anything one pleases about nations other than themselves, -They will believe it. And so Sergius marries the girl by the same -necessity that a mouse may be said to have married the trap into which -it drops. - -"Is not this fun indeed? To call marrying what simple people call -getting morally insane? How clever! How bright! - -"This is precisely what we Cynics used to do in ancient Greece. We -turned humanity inside out, and then I walked in day-time in the -streets with a lamp in my hand in search of a normal man, of a human -being. If you vitriole a person's face or character first, how can you -expect him to have unscathed features? But that is precisely the point -with us Cynics. We take human nature; we then vitriole it out of all -shape, and afterwards cry out in sheer indignation, 'How awful!' 'How -absurd!' This reminds me of my lawyer pupil who once, in the defence of -a fellow who had murdered his parents, pathetically exclaimed to the -jury: 'And finally, gentlemen, have pity on this poor, orphaned boy!' - -"Not content with Sergius, another 'type' of soldier is dragged up to -the stage; a Swiss. Now I do not here mean to repeat our old Greek -jokes about people similar to the Swiss, such as the Paphlagonians or -Cilicians. I will only remark that the French, who have for over four -hundred years had intimate knowledge of the Swiss, put the whole of -Swiss character into the famous _mot_: 'Which animal resembles a human -being most?' Answer: 'A Swiss.' - -"From a Swiss you may expect anything. He talks three languages; all in -vile German. He is to his beautiful country like a wart on a perfect -face. In the midst of paradise he is worse than a Prussian yokel born -in the dreary heaths of North Germany. He is a Swiss. He has been a -mercenary soldier to Popes and Lutheran princes alike. His aim was -money; is money; will always be nothing but money. He sells his blood -as he does the milk of his cows, by the _litre_ or the _decilitre_; -preferably by the latter. He likes war well enough; but he prefers -truces and cessation of arms. He thinks the best part of death is the -avoidance thereof. He is, when a mercenary, a military Cynic. - -"I like him dearly; he does me honour. Whenever I see him on the grand -staircase in the Vatican, I grin 'way down in my heart. Here is a Cynic -dressed up like a parrot in gorgeous plumage. Diogenes in Rococo-dress! -It is intensely amusing. - -"Now this Swiss is made by Shaw a 'type' of a soldier. This is quite -in accordance with the procedure of the Cynical School. First, all -real soldierly qualities are vitrioled out of the man by making -him a Swiss mercenary; and then he is shown up in all his callous -indifference to Right, Love, or Justice; which is tantamount to saying -'a distinguished Belgian lady patrolling Piccadilly after midnight.' -That Swiss mercenary proves no more against the worth of soldiers, -than that Belgian woman proves anything in disgrace of the women of -Belgium. If Shaw's figure proves anything, it proves the worthlessness -of mercenaries in general, and of Swiss mercenaries in particular. That -is, it proves something quite different from what it means to prove. -This too is arch-Cynical. Why, who knows it better than I, that we -Cynics were not infrequently instrumental in bringing about the very -reverse of what we were aiming at? But the more perverse, the better -the fun. - -"And the fun is excellent beyond words. It is, in fact, as grim as the -grimmest Welshman. On my way home from the theatre I thought of it, -and started laughing in the street with such violence that a policeman -wanted to take me to the station. The grimness of the fun was this: -inquiring about the author, I learnt that he was an Irishman. I had -no sooner made sure of the truth of this statement than I could not -control myself for laughter. - -"An Irishman reviling war, and soldiers, and the military spirit! How -unutterably grim,--how unspeakably grimy! The Irish, endowed by nature -with gifts of the body as well as the mind incomparably superior to -those of the English, have made the most atrocious failure of their -history, of their possibilities, of their chances, for that one and -only reason, that they never found means of character and endurance -to fight for their rights and hopes in bitter and unrelenting wars. -Not having made a single effort in any way comparable to the sustained -armed resistance of the Scotch, the Dutch, the Hungarians, or the -Boers, in the course of over three hundred years, they have fallen -under the yoke of a nation whom they detest. This naturally demoralised -them, as it demoralises a mere husband when he is yoked to a hated -wife. Being demoralised, they have never, oh never, reached that -balance of internal powers without which nothing great can be achieved. -The English with lesser powers, being undemoralised, got their powers -into far greater balance. So did the Scot through sustained, reckless -fighting for their ideals. Hence the misery of the Irish, who are -like their fairies, enchanting, but fatal to themselves and to others; -unbalanced, unsteady in mind and resolution to a sickening degree; -fickle, and resembling altogether sweet kisses from one's lady-love -intermingled with knocks in the face from one's vilest creditors. - -"Their recoiling from making resolute war on the enemy being the great -cause of the failure of the Irish, what can be more grimly Cynical than -an Irishman's indignation at all that appertains to war? We Cynics -always do that. Moderation having been the soul of all things Hellenic, -we Cynics told the Greeks that the one fatal excess that man can commit -is moderation. Of music we taught that its only beauties are in the -pauses; and of man we held that he is perfect only by making himself -into a beast. - -"We taught people to contemplate everything in a convex mirror and then -to fall foul of the image so distorted. This the idlers and the mob -greatly admire. They deem it marvellous originality. And what can be -nearer to the origin of new things than to take man and nature always -in the last agonising stage of final decomposition? - -"In my own dramas I did all that with a vengeance; so did Crates, my -revered colleague. What was a plot to us? What does a plot matter? -The other day when I sauntered through the Champs Elysées of Paris, I -overheard a conversation between little girls playing at ladies. By -Antisthenes, that was the real model of the plot and dialogue of all -Cynic dramas! - -"Said one little girl to the other: 'How are you, madame?' - -"'Thanks,' said the other, 'very well. I am watching my children.' - -"'How many have you?' - -"'Seventy-five, please.' - -"'And how old are you?' - -"'Twenty years, madame.' - -"'And how is your husband?' - -"'_Y pensez-vous?_ My husband? Fancy that! Why, I have none!' - -"This is precisely the plot and dialogue in Shaw's _Candida_. - - * * * * * - -"I enjoyed _Candida_ so intensely; I could have kissed the author. How -entirely like my own dramas! How closely modelled on the dialogue of -the little girls! - -"A husband of forty, vigorous, brave, honest, hard-working in a noble -cause, loving and loved, father of two children, befriends a boy of -eighteen, who is as wayward and conceited and inconsistent as only -boys of eighteen can be. That boy suddenly tells the husband that he, -the boy, loved Candida, the wife of the said husband. The boy, not -satisfied with this amenity, becomes intolerably impudent, and the -husband, acting on his immediate and just sentiment, wants to throw him -out of the house. - -"But this is too much of what ninety-nine out of a hundred husbands -would do. So instead of kicking the impertinent lad into the street, -the husband--invites him to lunch. - -"I was so afraid the husband would in the end bundle the youth out of -the room. To my intense delight the author did not forget the rules of -the Cynic drama, and the boy remained for lunch. - -"Bravo! Bravo! I secretly hoped the husband would solemnly charge -the interesting youth to fit Candida with the latest corset. To my -amazement that did not take place. But yet there was some relief for me -in store: the husband invites the boy to pass the evening with his wife -alone. - -"This is, of course, precisely what most husbands would do. - -"This is what another disciple of mine in Paris (a man called Anatole, -and misnamed France), did do in an even worse case. In Anatole's story, -the husband arrives in the most inopportune moment that a forgetful -wife can dread. He looks at the scene with much self-control, takes up -the _Petit Parisien_ lying on the floor, and withdraws gracefully into -another room, there to make sundry reflections on the _Petit Parisien_ -and on the 'Petite Parisienne.' - -"How classically Cynical! How Bion, Metrocles, Menippus, and all the -rest of our sect would have enjoyed that! Here is a true comedy! Here -is something truly realistic, and realistically true. That's why -Anatole is so much admired by Englishmen. He too is, as we Cynics have -been called, a philosopher of the proletariate. - -"Much, O Zeus, as I enjoy the honour and pleasure of being allowed -to crouch on one of the steps of your divine halls, I do also keenly -appreciate the pleasure of meeting my disciples of the hour. One of -these next days I will ask Momus to invite Tolstoy, Ibsen, Shaw, -Anatole, and a few others to a lunch, to meet me in a Swiss hotel. -Plato, you better come and listen behind a screen. You might perhaps -improve upon your _Gorgias_ in which dialogue you attempt to sketch -the superman and super-cynic. Ibsen will stammer and jerk his best -in deathly hatred of all Authority. Shaw will pinprick to death the -foundations of Marriage and Family. Anatole will try to upset, by -throwing little mud-pellets at them, ideal figures such as Joan of -Arc" (--Diogenes had barely uttered this name, when Zeus and all the -other gods rose from their seats, and bowed towards Pallas Athene, who -held Joan in her holy arms--). "Tolstoy, with a penny trumpet in his -toothless mouth, will bray against war; Oh, it will be glorious. - -"Of course, by this time I know very well that the controlling -principle of all mundane and supramundane things is Authority. As we -here all bow to Zeus, so mortals must always bow to some authority. -Nothing more evident can be imagined nor shown. It is the broadest -result of all history, of all experience. Just because this is so, and -unmistakably so, my disciples must naturally say the reverse. They -do not look at facts by a microscope or a telescope; they telescope -train-loads of facts into a mass of pulverised debris. - -"Instead of saying that in England, through her social caste system, -there are many, too many, _parvenus_ or tactless upstarts, my disciples -must say: 'The greatness of England is owing to her tactlessness.' This -is the real merchandise which I sold at Corinth over two thousand years -ago. - -"Tolstoy thunders against War. I wonder he does not thunder against -mothers' breasts feeding their babies. Why, War made everything that -is worth having. First of all, it made Peace. Without war there is no -peace; there is only stagnation. The greater the ideal, the greater the -price we have to pay for it. And since we always crave for the sublime -ideals of Liberty, Honour, Wealth, Power, Beauty, and Knowledge, we -must necessarily pay the highest price for it--ourselves, our lives -in war. There is no Dante without the terrible wars of the Guelfs and -the Ghibellines. There could have been no ideal superman like Raphael -without the counter-superman called Cesare Borgia. It is only your -abominable Philistine who squeaks: 'Oh, we might have many a nice slice -from the ham of Ideals without paying too dearly for it.' What do you -think of that, Hercules? Did you win Hebe by avoiding conflicts and -disasters?" - -Hercules groaned deeply and looked first at his battered club and -then at charming Hebe. The gods laughed aloud and Apollo, taking up -his lyre, intoned a grand old Doric song in praise of the heroes of -war who, by their valour, had prepared the _palæstra_ for the heroes -of thought and beauty. He was soon joined by a thousand harmonious -voices from the temple of Isis, and from his own majestic sanctuary at -Pompeii. Vesuvius counterpointed the lithe song with his deep bass; -and, with Dionysus at the head of them, Pan and the nymphs came wafting -through the air, strewing buds of melodies on to the Olympian wreaths -of tones sung by Phoebus Apollo in praise of War. - - * * * * * - -When the song had subsided, Zeus, in a voice full of serenity and -benign music, addressed the gods and heroes as follows: "We are very -much beholden to Diogenes for his bright and amusing story of the -Cynical ants that at present run about the woods and cottages of men, -biting each other and their friends. Their epigrams and other eccentric -utterances can affect none of us here assembled. You very well know -that I have not allowed Apollo, or Reason to reign alone and unaided by -Unreason, or Dionysus. The Cynical critics of men want to bring about -the Age of Reason, or as these presumptuous half-knowers call it, the -Age of Science. This, I have long since laid down, shall never be. - -"At the gate of the Future, at Delphi, Apollo is associated with -Dionysus, and so it has been ever since I came to rule this Universe. -Just as good music consists of tones and rhythms, and again of the -cessation of all sound, or of measured pauses; even so my Realm -consists of Reason, and of the cessation of all Reason, or of Unreason. -The Cynics who ignore the latter, misjudge the former. This, I take it, -is perfectly clear to all of us. - -"But while we here may laugh at the bites of the Cynical ants below, -we do not mean to state that in their occupation there is no point, no -utility at all. These little ants may be, and undoubtedly are largely -sterile mockers. Yet even I have experienced it on myself that the -effects of their doings are not always sterile." - -And leaning back on his chryselephantine chair, Zeus lowered his voice -and said almost in a whisper: "See, friends, why do we meet here in -lonely places, in a dead town, during the mysterious hours of night? -You know very well who and what has prevailed upon me to choose this -temporary darkening of our blissful life." - -At this moment there came from the rushes near the sea a plaintive song -accompanied by a flute, and a voice of a human sobbed out the cry: -"Pan, the Great Pan is dead!" - -A sudden silence fell over the divine Assembly. A cloud of deep sadness -seemed to hover over all. - -The three Graces then betook themselves to dancing, and their beauteous -movements and poses so exhilarated the Assembly, that the former -serenity was soon re-established. - -Zeus now turned to Plato, calling upon him to give his opinion on the -Cynics. Zeus reminded Plato that hitherto the Cynics had been treated -by him merely incidentally, mostly by hidden allusions to Antisthenes, -or by witty remarks on Diogenes. At present Plato might help the gods -to pass agreeably the rest of the beautiful night by telling them in -connection and fulness what really the ultimate purport of these modern -Cynics, Shavian or other is going to be. Everybody turned his or her -face towards Plato, who rose from his seat, and bowing, with a smile, -towards Diogenes, thus addressed Zeus and the Assembly of gods and -heroes at Pompeii: - - * * * * * - -"It is quite true that in my writings I have not devoted any explicit -discussion to the views and tenets of the Cynics. They appeared to -me at that time far too grotesque to be worth more than a passing -consideration. Of their dramas I had, and still have a very poor -opinion. From what I hear from Diogenes, the modern imitators of Cynic -dramatists are not a whit better. In addition to all their wearying -eccentricities, they add the most unbearable eccentricity of all, to -wit, that their dramas and comedies represent a new departure within -dramatic literature. - -"Shaw's dramas are no more dramas than his Swiss, in _Arms and the -Man_, is a soldier; or his clergyman in _Candida_ a husband, or a man. -His pieces are not dramatic in the least; they do not exhibit the most -elementary qualities of a comedy. For, whatever the definition of a -comedy may be, one central quality can never be missing in it: the -persons presented must be types of human beings. - -"Shaw's persons are no humans whatever. They are _homunculi_ concocted -in a chemical laboratory of pseudo-science and false psychology. They -crack, from time to time, brave jokes; so do clowns in a circus. That -alone does not make a wax figure into a human. - -"There may be very interesting comic scenes amongst bees, wasps, or -beavers; but we cannot appreciate them. We can only appreciate human -comicality, even when it is presented to us in the shape of dialogues -between animals, as Aristophanes, the fabulists, and so many other -writers have done. - -"Who would care to sit through a comedy showing the comic aspects of -life in a Bedlam? If madmen have humour, as undoubtedly they have, we -do not want to see it on a public stage. The fact that it is a madman's -humour deprives it of all humour. - -"Hedda Gabler can appeal to no sound taste. One never sees why she is -so fearfully unhappy. If she is not in love with her husband, let her -work in the house, in the kitchen, in the garden; let her try to be a -mother; let her adopt a child if the gods deny her one of her own. Let -her do something. Of course, idling all day long as she does, will in -the end demoralise a poker; and far from wondering that she ends badly -at the end of the last act, one only wonders that she did not do away -with herself before the first scene of the first act. By doing so she -would have done a great service to herself, her people, and to dramatic -literature. - -"Of the same kind is Raina, in _Arms and the Man_. She is a doll, but -not a young girl. She has neither senses, nor sense. She is made of -cardboard, and fit only to appear in a Punch and Judy show. She is, in -common with most of the figures in the comedies of the modern Cynics, -a mere outline drawing of a human being from whose mouth hang various -slips of paper on which the author conveniently writes his _variorum_ -jokes and bright sayings. All these so-called dramatic pieces will -be brushed away by the broom of Time, as happened to the dramas and -travesties of our Greek Cynics. Life eternal is given to things only -through Art, and in these writings of the Cynics, old or modern ones, -there is not the faintest trace either of one of the Graces, or of one -of the Muses. - - * * * * * - -"Having said this much about Shaw's and the other modern Cynics' -alleged dramatic writings, I hasten to add, that when we come to -consider the _effect_ these so-called dramas have, and possibly will -continue to have on the mind of the public, we are bound to speak in -quite a different manner. - -"I have had plenty of time, since the days of my Academy at Athens, -to think out the vast difference between such works of the intellect -as aim at nothing but truth and beauty, or what we might call -_alethology_, on the one hand; and such works as aim at effect, or what -may be generally termed as _effectology_. - -"It is from this all-important point of view that I say that Tolstoy, -Ibsen, Shaw and the others are, _effectologically_, just as remarkable -as they are _alethologically_ without much significance. - -"As to the latter; as to their hitting off great or new truths; as to -their being philosophers; or to put it in my terms, as to their having -any _alethological_ value, Diogenes has already spoken with sufficient -clearness. Just consider this one point. - -"Tolstoy, as well as Shaw, wants to reform the abuses of civilisation. -In order to do so they combat with all their might the most powerful -purifier and reformer of men,--War. Can anything be more ludicrous, and -unscientific? - -"Who gave the modern Germans that incomparable dash and _élan_, thanks -to which they have in one generation quadrupled their commerce, doubled -their population, quintupled their wealth, and ensured their supremacy -on the Continent? - -"Was it done by their thinkers and scholars? The greatest of these died -before 1870. - -"Was it done by getting into possession of the mouth of the Rhine, or -of the access to the Danish Sounds, which formerly debarred them from -the sea? They do not possess the mouth of the Rhine, nor Denmark to the -present day. - -"Nothing has changed in the material or intellectual world making the -Germany of to-day more advantageous for commerce or power than it had -been formerly. - -"Except the victorious wars of 1866 and of 1870. - -"Can such an evident connection of fact be overlooked? And would Russia -have introduced the Duma without the battle of Mukden? It is waste of -time even for the immortals to press this point much longer. - -"As in this case, so in nearly all the other cases, Cynics revile -abuses the sole remedies for which they violently combat. In their -negative attacks they brandish the keenest edges of the swords, daggers -and pins of Logic; in their positive advices they browbeat every person -in the household of logical thought. - -"Yet, worthless, or very nearly so, as they may be as teachers of -truth, they are powerful as writers of pamphlets. For this is what -their literature comes to. They do not write dramas, nor novels. -They can do neither the one, nor the other. But they write effective -pamphlets in the apparent form of dramas and novels. - -"They are pamphleteers, and not men of letters. - -"In that lies their undeniably great force. They instinctively choose -as eccentric, as loud, and as striking forms and draperies of ideas as -possible, so as to rouse the apathetic Philistine to an interest in -what they say. They are full of absurdities; but which of us here can -now after centuries of experience venture to make light of the power of -the absurd? - -"Error and Absurdity are so powerful, so necessary, so inevitable, that -Protagoras was perhaps not quite wrong in saying that Truth herself is -only a particular species of Error. - -"Once, many years ago, I despised the Cynics, and my own master -Socrates made light of them. But at present I think differently. When -Socrates said, with subtle sarcasm, to Antisthenes: 'I see your vanity -peeping out through the holes of your shabby garment,' Antisthenes -might have retorted to him: 'And I, O Socrates, see through these very -holes how short-sighted you are.' - -"For have we not lived to see that while all revere Socrates in words, -they follow the pupils of Antisthenes in deeds? The Cynics, fathered -by Antisthenes, begot the Stoics; and the Stoics were the main ferment -in the rise and spread of Christianity. Many of the sayings and -teachings and doings of the Cynics, which we at Athens made most fun -of, have long since become the sinews and fibres of Christian ideas -and institutions. There is greater similarity and mental propinquity -between Antisthenes or Diogenes and St Paul, than between Socrates and -St Augustine of Hippo. - -"I pray thee, O Zeus, to let us for a moment see this town of Pompeii -as it was a day before its destruction, with all its life in the -streets and the Forum, so as to give us an ocular proof of the truth of -what I just now said about the Cynics and Eccentrics of Antiquity, and -what I am going to apply to the modern Cynics, literary or other." - - * * * * * - -Thereupon Zeus, by a wave of his hand, placed the whole Assembly in the -shadow as if encircled by a vast mantle of darkness, and shed a strange -and supramundane light on the town of Pompeii, which grew up at sight -from the ground, putting on life and movement and beauty on all its -houses, narrow streets, gardens, and squares. The ancient population -filled, in ceaseless movement, every part of the charming city. Richly -dressed ladies, carried in sedan-chairs by black slaves; patricians in -spotless togas, followed by crowds of clients; magistrates preceded by -lictors; soldiers recruited from all nations; tradesmen from every part -of the Roman Empire; all these and innumerable others, visitors from -the neighbouring cities, thronged the streets, and the whole population -seemed to breathe nothing but joy and a sense of exuberant life. - -In one of the squares there was a hilarious crowd listening, with loud -derision and ironical applause, to a haggard, miserably clad, old -man who, addressing them in Ionian Greek, with the strong guttural -accent of the Asiatics, stood on one of the high jumping-stones of the -pavement, and spoke with fanatic fervour of the nameless sinfulness of -the people of Pompeii. With him were two or three other persons of the -same description, joining him from time to time in his imprecations -against the "doomed town." - -The old man told them that their whole life was rotten through and -through, a permanent lie, a contradiction to itself, a sure way to -damnation. He thundered against the soldiers jeering at him in the -crowd, calling them cowards, butchers, wretches, and the sinners of all -sinners. He sneered at one of the priests of Isis present in the crowd, -telling the people that there was only one true belief, and no other. - -The more the old man talked, the more the crowd laughed at him; and -when a Greek philosopher, who happened to be there, interpellated and -elegantly refuted the old man in a manner approved by the rules of the -prevalent school of rhetoric and dialectics, the crowd cheered the -philosopher, and the more accomplished amongst the bystanders said to -one another: "This old man is a mere charlatan, or an impostor; it's -waste of time to take him seriously." - -One man alone, in the whole crowd, a shy and retiring disciple of -Apollonius of Tyana, waited until the crowd had dispersed, and then -walking up to the old man, asked him what sect of Cynics he belonged to. - -The old man said: "I am no Cynic; I am a Christian." - -Thereupon the disciple of Apollonius took the old man's hand, pressed -it with emotion, kissed him, and turning away from him, walked off, -plunged in deep thought. - -A minute later the supramundane light over Pompeii disappeared, and the -Assembly of the gods and heroes was again in the mild rays of Selene. - - * * * * * - -"Can anyone here," continued Plato, "deny that that crowd together -with the philosopher was quite mistaken in their appreciation of the -eccentric old man, and that the silent pupil of Apollonius alone was -right? - -"Cynics and Eccentrics have at all times been the forerunners of vast -popular movements. The flagellants, the Beguins and Lollards, and -countless other Cynics in the latter half of the Middle Ages preceded -the Reformation. - -"And was not the French Revolution, or the vastest effort at realising -Ideals ever made by the little ones down here, preceded by a Cynic and -his pamphlets, by Jean Jacques Rousseau? - -"No Greek town would have endured within its walls a youth so -completely shattered in all his moral build, as was Rousseau. He was -thoroughly and hopelessly demoralised in character, _décousu_ and -eccentric in thought, and badly tutored in point of knowledge. The -clever woman that was his protectress, mistress, and guide, and who -displayed a marvellous capacity for devising jobs and an inexhaustible -resourcefulness in turning things and persons to practical use, could -yet never discover any usefulness in Jean Jacques. - -"He wrote, later on, novels, political treatises, botanical ones, -musical ones. In truth he never wrote a novel; he wrote nothing but -pamphlets; stirring, wild, eccentric, enchanting pamphlets. He was -not, like Beaumarchais, a pamphleteer and yet a writer of a real, and -immortal comedy, itself a political pamphlet. Rousseau was a writing -stump-orator doing anticipative yeoman's work for the Revolution. - -"So are all the Cynics. So are Ibsen, Tolstoy; so is Shaw. Their -dramas may be, say _are_ no dramas at all; their novels may be, say -_are_ no novels at all; their serious treatises are neither serious nor -treatises; and yet they are, and always will be great _effectological_ -centres. They attack the whole fabric of the extant civilisation; -by this one move they rally round them both the silent and the loud -enemies of WHAT IS, and the eager friends of what OUGHT TO BE. Of these -malcontents there always is a great number; especially in times of -prolonged peace. - -"A war, a real, good national war would immediately sweep away all -these social malcontents. - -"That's why the leaders of the Cynics, and more especially Tolstoy and -Shaw, hate war. It is their mar-feast, their kill-joy; their microbes -do not prosper in times of war. - -"Without the fatal and all but universal peace of the period from 50 -A.D. to 190 A.D., Christianity could never have made any headway in the -Roman Empire; just as we got rid of our Cynics by the second Athenian -Empire and its great wars. - -"This, then, is in my opinion the true perspective of our modern -Cynics. As literature or truth, they exhibit little of value, except -that Shaw appears to me (--if a Greek may be allowed to pass judgment -on such a matter--) to be the only one amongst living writers in -England who has real literary splendour in his style. As men, however, -exercising an effect on a possible social Revolution, these writers are -of the utmost importance. - -"Or to repeat it in my terms: _alethologically_ nil or nearly so, -_effectologically_ very important or interesting; this is the true -perspective of writers like Tolstoy, Shaw, and other modern Cynics. - -"Their influence is not on Thought, nor on Art, but on Action. - -"They may eventually, if Mars will continue trifling with wood-nymphs -and other well-intended cordials, become a great power. They may beget -Neo-Stoics, who may beget Neo-Christians. They themselves may then -appear only as the tiny drum-pages running in front or beside the -real fighters in battle. Yet their importance will be little impaired -thereby. - -"The Church Fathers have frequently endeavoured to honour me with the -name of one of the lay protagonists of Christianity. But I know much -better than that. The true protagonists were Antisthenes or Diogenes; -and that is why the Roman Catholic Church has at no time countenanced -me. And just as we now do not mind the jokes, burlesques and _boutades_ -of Diogenes any more, admitting freely, as we do, that behind them was -the _aurora borealis_ of a new creed, a new movement, a new world; -even so we must not mind the grotesque _boutades_ of Tolstoy, Ibsen, -Shaw, Anatole, and other modern Cynics, for behind them is the magnetic -fulguration of new electric currents in the social world. - -"This, the public indistinctly feel; that's why they continue to read -and criticise or revile these men. The public feels that while there -may not be much in what these men yield for the present, the future, -possibly, is theirs. - -"The little ones below do not as yet know, that there is no future; nor -that all that is or can be, has long been. Therefore they do not turn -to us who might point out to them what things are driving at; but they -want the oldest things in ever new forms. - -"We, however, know that _plus cela change, plus c'est la même chose_, -as one of the modern Athenians in Paris has put it. - -"Do not frown on me, Heraclitus; I well know that you hold the very -reverse, and that you would say: '_plus c'est la même chose, plus cela -change_.' - -"I have gladly accepted that in my earthly time when I made a sharp -distinction between phenomena and super-phenomena, or _noumena_. But I -do no longer make such a distinction. - -"We are above time. We Hellenes are alive to-day as we were over -two thousand years ago. We still think aloud or on papyrus the most -beautiful and the truest thoughts of men. Have we not but quite lately -sent down for one of us to while amongst us for ever? He too began as -a Cynic. But having learnt the inanity of the so-called 'future,' he -rose above time and space, and soared on the wings of eagle concepts -to the heights where we welcome him. He has just entered the near port -in a boat rowed by the nymphs of Circe. We cannot close our meeting in -a more condign fashion than by asking Hebe to offer him the goblet of -welcome." - -The eyes of all present turned to the shore, where a man of middle age, -who had evidently regained his former vigour, walked up to the steps -of the amphitheatre. When he came quite near to the Assembly, Diogenes -exclaimed: "Hail to thee, Frederick Nietzsche!" - - - - -THE THIRD NIGHT - -ALCIBIADES ON WOMEN IN ENGLAND - - -In the third night the gods and heroes assembled at Venice. Where the -Canal Grande almost disappears in the sea, there on mystic gondolas -the divine Assembly met in the town of Love and Passion, at the -whilom centre of Power wedded to Beauty. It was a starlit night of -incomparable charm. The Canal Grande, with its majestic silence; the -dark yet clearly outlined Palaces surrounding the Canal like beautiful -women forming a procession in honour of a triumphant hero; the grave -spires of hundreds of churches standing like huge sentinels of the town -of millions of secrets never revealed, and vainly searched for in her -vast archives; and last not least the invisible Past hovering sensibly -over every stone of the unique city; all this contributed ever new -charms to the meeting of the gods and heroes at Venice. - -Zeus, not unforgetful of the Eternal Feminine, asked Alcibiades to -entertain the Assembly with his adventures amongst the women of -England. Alcibiades thereupon rose and spake as follows: "O Zeus and -the other gods and heroes, I am still too much under the fascination -of the women with whom I have spent the last twelve months, to be in -a position to tell you with becoming calmness what kind of beings -they are. In my time I knew the women of over a dozen Greek states, -and many a woman of the Barbarians. Yet not one of them was remotely -similar to the women of England. I will presently relate what I -observed of the beauty of these northern women. - -"But first of all, it seems to me, I had better dwell upon one -particular type of womanhood which I have never met before except when -once, eight hundred years ago, I travelled in company with Abelard -through a few towns of Mediæval France. That type is what in England -they call the middle-class woman. She is not always beautiful, and yet -might be so frequently, were her features not spoilt by her soul. She -is the most bigoted, the most prejudiced, and most intolerant piece of -perverted humanity that can be imagined. - -"The first time I met her I asked her how she felt that day. To this -she replied, 'Sir-r-r!' with flashing eyes and sinking cheeks. When I -then added: 'I hope, madame, you are well?'--she looked at me even more -fiercely and uttered: 'Sir-r-r!' Being quite unaware of the reason of -her indignation, I begged to assure her that it gave me great pleasure -to meet her. Thereupon she got up from her seat and exclaimed in a most -tragic manner: 'Si-r-r-r, you are _no_ gentleman!!' - -"Now, I have been shown out, in my time, from more than one lady's -room; but there always was some acceptable reason for it. In this case -I could not so much as surmise what crime I had committed. On asking -one of my English friends, I learnt that I ought to have commenced -the conversation with remarks on the weather. Unless conversation is -commenced in that way it will never commend itself to that class of -women in England. It is undoubtedly for that reason, Zeus, that you -have given England four different seasons indeed, but all in the course -of one and the same day. But for this meteorological fact, conversation -with middle-class people would have become impossible. - -"The women of that class have an incessant itch for indignation; -unless they feel shocked at least ten times a day, they cannot live. -Accordingly, everything shocks them; they are afflicted with permanent -_shockingitis_. - -"Tell her that it is two o'clock P.M., and she will be shocked. Tell -her you made a mistake, and that it was only half-past one o'clock, and -she will be even more shocked. Tell her Adam was the first man, and she -will scream with indignation; tell her she had only one mother, and she -will send for the police. The experience of over two thousand years -amongst all the nations in and out of Europe has not enabled me to find -a topic, nor the manner of conversation agreeable or acceptable to an -English middle-class woman. - -"At first I thought that she was as puritanic in her virtue as she was -rigid and forbidding in appearance. One of them was unusually pretty -and I attempted to please her. My efforts were in vain, until I found -out that she took me for a Greek from Soho Square, which in London is -something like the poor quarters of our Piræus. She had never heard of -Athens or of ancient history, and she believed that Joan of Arc was the -daughter of Noah. - -"When I saw that, I dropped occasionally the remark that my uncle was -Lord Pericles, and that the King of Sparta had reasons to hide from -me his wife. This did it at once. She changed completely. Everything -I said was 'interesting.' When I said, 'Wet to-day,' she swore that -it was a capital joke. She admired my very gloves. She never tired -asking me questions about the 'swell set.' I told her all that I did -not know. The least man of my acquaintance was a lord; my friends were -all viscounts and marquesses; my dog was the son of a dog in the King's -kennels; my motor was one in which three earls and their wives had -broken eleven legs of theirs. - -"These broken legs brought me very much nearer to my goal; and when -finally I apprised her that I had hopelessly spoilt my digestion at the -wedding meal of the Duke of D'Ontexist, she implored me not to trifle -any longer with her feelings. I stopped trifling. - -"This experience," Alcibiades continued, "did much to enlighten me -about what was behind all that forbidding exterior of the middle-class -woman. I discovered Eve in the Mediæval form of womanhood. I was -reminded of the Spartan women who, at the first meeting, seemed so -proud, unapproachable and Amazonian; at the second meeting they had -lost some of their prohibitive temper; and at the third meeting they -proved to be women, and nothing but women after all. - -"Honestly, I preferred the English middle-class woman in her first -stage. It suited the somewhat rigid style of her beauty much better. -In the last or sentimental stage she was much less interesting. -Her tenderness was flabby or childish. Then she cried after every -_rendez-vous_. That annoyed me considerably. One evening I could not -help asking her whether she did not feel like sending five pounds of -conscience-money to the Chancellor of the Exchequer. She drew the line -on that, and cried more profusely. Whereupon I proposed to send fifty -pounds of conscience-money and to be released of any further tears. -This seemed to pacify and to console her; and thus we parted. - - * * * * * - -"A few days after I had been relieved of my first lady friend in -England," Alcibiades continued, "I made the acquaintance of a girl -whose age I was unable to determine. She said she was twenty-nine years -old. However, I soon found that all unmarried girls _d'un certain âge_ -in England are exactly twenty-nine years old. - -"She was not without certain attractions. She had read much, spoke -fluently, had beautiful auburn hair and white arms. In her technical -terms, which she used very frequently, she was not very felicitous. -She repeatedly mixed up bigotry with bigamy, or with trigonometry. My -presence did not seem to affect her very much, and after two or three -calls I discovered that she was in a chronic state of rebellion against -society and law at large. - -"She held that women were in absolute serfdom to men, and that unless -women were given the most valuable of rights, that is, the suffrage, -neither women nor men could render the commonwealth what it ought to -be. I told her that shortly after my disappearance from the political -stage of Athens, about twenty-three centuries ago, the women of that -town, together with those of other towns, clamoured for the same -object. 'What?' she exclaimed. 'Do you mean to say that suffragettes -were already known in those olden times?' I assured her that all that -she had told me about the aims and arguments of herself and her friends -was as old as the comedies of Aristophanes. That seemed to have a -strange effect upon her. I noticed that what she believed to be the -novelty of the movement constituted really its greatest charm for her. -She had thought that suffragettism was the very latest fashion, in -every way brand new. - -"But after a time she recovered and said: 'Very well; if our objects -and aims are as old as all that, they are sure to be even more solidly -founded in reason than I thought they were.' - -"Reason, Right, Equity, and Fairness were her stock-in-trade. She was -the daughter of Reason; the wife of Right; the mother of Equity; and -the mother-in-law of Fairness. It was in vain that I told her that -this world was not held together by Reason or Right alone, but also -by Unreason and Wrongs. She scoffed at my remarks, and asked me to -come to one of her speeches in Hyde Park on one of the next Sundays. I -came. There was a huge crowd, counting by the hundreds of thousands. -My lady friend stood on a waggon in the midst of about half-a-dozen -other women, who all had preferred single blessedness to coupled bliss. -They were, of course, each of them twenty-nine years old; and yet their -accumulated ages brought one comfortably back to the times of Queen -Elizabeth. When my friend's turn came, she addressed the crowd as -follows: - -"'Men and women. Excuse me, ladies, beginning my speech in that way. It -is mere custom, the behests of which I obey. In my opinion there are no -men in this country. There are only cowards and their wives. Who but a -coward would refuse a woman the most elementary right of citizenship? -Who but a wretch and a dastardly runaway would deny women a right -which is given to the scum of men, provided they pay a ridiculous sum -in yearly taxes? There are no men in this country.' (A voice from the -people: 'None for you, m'um, evidently!') - -"'I repeat it to you: there are no men. I will repeat it again. I can -never repeat it too frequently. Or, do you call a person a man who is -none? The first and chief characteristic of a true man is his love of -justice. It is so completely and exclusively his, that we women do not -in the least pretend to share in this his principal privilege. - -"'But can the present so-called men be called just? Is it justice to -deny justice to more than one half of the nation, to the women? Let -us women have the suffrage, so that men, by thus doing justice, shall -become true men worthy of _their_ suffrage. For are not all their -reasonings against our wishes void of any force? - -"'They say that the suffrage of women, by dragging them too much into -the political arena, would defeminise them. Pray look at us here -assembled. Are we unwomanly? Do we look as if we had lost any of that -down which hovers over the soul of domesticated women as does the nap -on a peach?' (Stormy applause.) 'Thanks, many thanks. I knew you would -not think so. - -"'No, it is indeed absurd to assume that a waggon can change a woman -into a dragon. Am I changed by entering a 'bus? Or by mounting a taxi? -Why, then, should I be changed by standing on a waggon? I am no more -changed by it, than the waggon is changed by me.' (A voice: 'Good old -waggon!') - -"'We want to have a share in legislation. There are a hundred -subjects regarding which we are better informed than are men. -Take food-adulteration--who knows more about it than we do? Take -intemperance--who drinks more in secret than we do? Take the law of -libel and slander--who libels and slanders more than we do? Who can -possibly possess more experience about it? - -"'Look at history. Repeatedly there have been periods when a number of -queens and empresses proved to be more efficient than men. Politics, -especially foreign policy, spells simply lies and dissimulation. Who -can do that better than ourselves? People say that if we women get the -suffrage, the House of Commons would soon be filled with mere women. -Let us grant that, for argument's sake. Would the difference be really -so great? Are there not women in trousers? And are there not more -trousers than men? - -"'Nowadays most men cry themselves hoarse over Peace, Arbitration, -International Good Will, and similar nostrums. Could we women not do -that too? I ask you men present, could we not do that as well? The men -of this country think that they will bring about the millennium by -preaching and spreading teetotalism, Christian Science, vegetarianism, -or simple lifeism. How ridiculous and petty. - -"'Look at the "isms" we propose to preach and spread: (1) -Anti-corsetism; (2) Anti-skirtism; (3) Anti-bonnetism; (4) -Anti-gloveism; (5) Anti-necktieism; (6) Anti-cigarettism; and finally -(7) _Anti-antiism_. - -"'On these seven hills of antis, or if you prefer it, on these seven -ant-hills, which are in reality anti-ills, we shall build our New Rome, -the rummiest Rome that ever was, and more eternal than the town of the -Cæsars and the Popes. Give us the suffrage! Do you not see how serious -we are about it? We know very well that the various classes of men -obtained the suffrage only by means of great fights in which, in some -countries, untold thousands of men were killed. But can you seriously -think of putting us women to similar straits? - -"'Evidently, what men had to fight for in bitter earnest, ought to be -given to women in jest as a mere gift. Do give us the suffrage! Do not -be pedantic nor naughty. We mean it very seriously; therefore give it -to us as a joke, by sheer politeness, and as a matter of good manners. - -"'Come, my male friends, be good boys; let me brush your coat, fix the -necktie in the proper shape and pour a little brilliantine on your -moustaches. There! That's a nice little boy. And now open the safe of -the nation and give us quick the right of rights, the might of mights, -the very thing that you men have been fighting for ever since Magna -Charta in 1215, give us the suffrage as an incidental free gift. - -"'If you do so, we will pass a law that all barbers' shops shall be -in the soft, pleasant hands of young she-barbers. Think of the downy -satisfaction that this will give you! Think of the placid snoozes -in a barber's chair when your face is soaped, shaven and sponged by -mellow hands! Is it not a dear little enjoyment? Now, look here my male -friends, this and similar boons we shall shower upon you, provided you -give us the suffrage. - -"'Nay, we shall before everything else (provided we have the suffrage!) -pass a law _abolishing breach-of-promise cases_.' - -"(Endless hurrahs from all sides--Band--Fire-works--St Vitus' Dances, -until the whole immense crowd breaks out in a song 'She is a jolly good -maiden, etc.') - -"'Thanks, you are very kind. Yes, we mean to abolish breach-of-promise -cases. Consider what advantages that would imply for you. A man will be -able to flirt round five different corners at a time, without risking -anything. He will be able to practise letter-writing in all the colours -of the rainbow, without in the least jeopardising his situation, purse -or expectations. He will be in a position to amuse himself thoroughly, -freely, everywhere, and at any time. What makes you men so stiff, so -tongue-tied, so pokery, but the dread of a breach-of-promise case. -Once that dread is removed by the abolition of such cases, you will be -amiable, great orators, full of charming _abandon_, and too lovely for -words. As a natural consequence, women will be more in love with you -than ever before. Your conquests in Sexland will be countless. You will -be like Alcibiades,--irresistible, universally victorious. Now, could -we offer you anything more tempting? - -"'I know, of course, that outwardly you affect to be no ladies' men. -But pray, _entre nous_, are you not in reality just the reverse? Man -_is_ polygamous. We women do not in the least care for men, and if all -my female contemporaries should die out, leaving me alone in the world -with 600,000,000 men, I should myself speedily die with boredom. What -are men here for but as mere cards in our game of one woman against the -other? If I cannot martyrise a little the heart of my female friend by -alienating her man from her, what earthly use has her man for me? - -"'But you men, you are quite different. You do wish that all the -women, at any rate all the young and beautiful women, shall be at your -order. This of course we cannot legislate for you. But we can do the -next best thing: we can abolish the chief obstacle in your way: the -breach-of-promise cases. This we promise to do, provided you give us -the suffrage. You are, however, much mistaken if you think that that is -all we have in store for you. Far from it. - -"'If you give us the franchise, we pledge ourselves _never to publish a -novel or a drama_.' - -"(Applause like an earthquake--men embrace one another--elderly -gentlemen cry with joy--a clergyman calls upon people to pray--in the -skies a rainbow appears.) - -"'Yes, although with a breaking heart, yet we will make this immense -sacrifice on the altar of our patriotism: we will henceforth not -publish any novels. I cannot say that we will not write any. This would -be more than I or any other woman could promise. We must write novels. -We are subject to a writing itch that is quite beyond our control. The -less a woman has to say the more she will write. She must write; she -must write novels. - -"'We write, we publish at present about five novels a day. If you give -us the suffrage, we pledge ourselves not to publish a single novel.' - -"(Universal cry: 'Give them the suffrage, for God's sake!') - -"'And if you do not give us the suffrage, we shall publish ten novels a -day.' - -"(Fearful uproar--fierce cries for the police--twenty publishers -present are mobbed--Miss Cora Morelli present is in imminent danger of -life.) - -"'Did I say, ten? What I meant to say is, that if you do not give us -the franchise, we shall publish fifteen novels a day.' - -"(Revolution--pistol shots--the fire-brigade comes.) - -"'Twenty--thirty--forty novels a day.' - -"(The Big Ben is howling--the Thames river floods Middlesex--the House -of Commons suspends the Habeas Corpus Act.) - -"'Or even ten novels every hour.' - -"(The Albert Memorial leaves its place and takes refuge in the Imperial -Institute--the crowd, in despair, falls on their knees and implores the -speaker to have mercy on them--they promise the suffrage, at once, or -somewhat before that.) - -"'There! I told you, we do mean what we mean, and we have all sorts of -means of making you mean what we mean. It is therefore understood that -you will give us the franchise, and we shall stop publishing novels. -But should you change your mind and go back on your present promises, -then I must warn you that we have in store even more drastic means of -forcing your hands. You must not in the least believe that the pressure -we can bring to bear upon you is exhausted with the devices just -enumerated. There are other devices. But for evident reasons of modesty -I prefer calling upon my motherly guide, Mrs Pancake, to tell you more -about them.' - - * * * * * - -"With that my tender friend retired, and up got a middle-aged woman -with hard features and much flabby flesh. She was received with -mournful silence. She began in a strident voice, which she accentuated -by angular gestures cutting segments out of the air. She said: - -"'You have, ladies and gentlemen, heard some of the disadvantages that -will inevitably be entailed upon you by not granting us what Justice, -Equity and our Costume render a demand that none but barbarians can -refuse. I am now going to give you just an inkling of what will befall -you should you pertinaciously persist in your obdurate refusal of the -franchise to women. We women have made up our minds to the exclusion of -any imaginable hesitation, change, or vacillation. We shall be firm and -unshakable. - -"'We have done everything that could be done by way of persuading you. -We have published innumerable pamphlets; we have trodden countless -streets in countless processions; we have been wearing innumerable -badges and carrying thousands of flags and standards; we have screamed, -pushed, rowdied, boxed, scuffled, gnashed our teeth (even such as were -not originally made for that purpose), and suffered our skirts to be -torn to shreds; we have petitioned, waylaid, interpellated, ambushed, -bullied and memorialised all the ministers, all the editors, all the -clergymen, all the press-men; we have suffered imprisonment, fines, -scorn, ridicule; we have done, with the exception of actual fighting, -everything that men have done for the conquest of the suffrage. - -"'Should all these immense sacrifices not avail us any; should it all -be in vain; then we the women of this country, and I doubt not those -of the other countries too, will, as a last resort, take refuge in -the oldest and most powerful ally of our sex. Eternal Time has two -constituents: Day and Night. The Day is man's. The Night is ours.' - -"(Deadly silence--men begin looking very serious.) - -"'The Night, I repeat it in the sternest manner possible, the Night -is ours. We grant, indeed, that sixteen hours are man's; but the -remaining eight are ours. The stars and the moon; the darkness and -the dream--they are all ours. Should you men persist in refusing us -the franchise, you will wake in vain for the moon and the stars and -the dream. You will see stars indeed, but other ones than you expect. -We shall be inexorable. No moon any more for you; neither crescent, -half nor full moon; neither stars nor milky-way; neither galaxy nor -gallantry.' - -"(A salvationist: 'Let us pray!'--A soldier: 'Hope, m'um, that -Saturdays will be off-days?'--Solicitors, teetotallers, and three -editors of Zola's collected works: 'Disgraceful! shocking!'--A -scholar: 'Madame, that's a chestnut, Aristophanes has long proposed -that!'--General uproar--a band of nuns from Piccadilly hurrah the -proposal and raise prices of tickets--Scotland Yard smiles--the _Daily -Nail_ kodaks everybody and interviews Mrs Pancake on the spot--Mrs -Guard, the famous writer, at once founds a counter-League, with the -motto 'Astronomy for the people--Stars and Stripes free--the United -Gates of Love'--the _Daily Crony_ has an attack of moral appendicitis.) - - * * * * * - -"I wish," continued Alcibiades, amidst the laughter of the immortals, -"Aristophanes had been present. I assure you that all that he said in -his comedies called _Ecclesiazusae_ and _Lysistrata_ pale beside the -tumultuous scenes caused by the peroration of Mrs Pancake. Her threat -was in such drastic contrast to the stars and moon she personally could -exhibit to the desires of men, that the comic effect of it became at -times almost unbearable. - -"While the pandemonium was at its height a stentorian voice invited -all present to another platform where another woman was holding forth -on Free Love and Free Marriage. I forthwith repaired to the place, and -heard what was in every way a most interesting speech delivered by a -woman who consisted of a ton of bones and an ounce of flesh. She was -between forty and seventy-nine. She talked in a tone of conviction -which seemed to come from every corner of her personal masonry. Her -gestures were, if I may say so, as strident as her voice, which came -out with a peculiar gust of pectoral wind, unimpeded, as it was, by the -fence of too numerous teeth. She said: - -"'Gentlemen, all that you have heard over there from the platforms of -the suffragettes is, to put it mildly, the merest rubbish. We women do -not want the suffrage. What we want is quite another thing. All our -misery since the days of Eve comes from one silly, absurd, and criminal -institution, and from that alone. Abolish that cesspool of depravity; -that hotbed of social gangrene; that degradation of men and women; and -we shall be all happy and contented for ever. - -"'That institution; that cancerous hotbed; that degradation is: -_Marriage_. As long as we shall endure this scandalous bondage and -prostitution of the most sacred sentiments and desires of human beings, -even so long will our social wretchedness last. - -"'Abolish marriage. - -"'It has neither sense, nor object, nor right; it is the most hapless -aberration of humanity. How can you uphold such a monstrous thing? - -"'Just consider: I do not know, and do not care to know what other -nations are like; I only care for my great nation, for England, for -Englishmen. Now, can anyone here present (or here absent, for the -matter of that), seriously contend that an Englishman is by nature -or education fit for marriage? Why, not one in ten thousand has the -slightest aptitude for it. - -"'An Englishman is an island, a solitary worm, morally a hermit, -socially a bear, humanly a Cyclop. He hates company, including his own. -The idea that any person should intrude upon his hallowed circles -for more than a few minutes is revolting to him. When he is ill he -suffers most from the inquiries of friends about his condition. When -he is successful he is too proud to stoop to talking with anyone under -the rank of a lord. When he is unsuccessful, he takes it for granted -that nobody desires to speak to him. He builds his house after his -own character: rooms do not communicate. He chooses his friends among -people that talk as little as possible and call on him once a year. Any -remark about his person he resents most bitterly. Tell him, ever so -mildly, that the colour of his necktie is cryingly out of harmony with -the colour of his waistcoat, and he will hate you for three years. - -"'And you mean to tell me, gentlemen, that such a creature is fit for -marriage? That is, fit for a condition of things in which a person, -other than himself, claims the right to be in the same room with him at -any given hour of the day or the night; to pass remarks on his necktie, -or his cuffs, or even on his tobacco; to talk, ay, to talk to him for -an hour, to twit him, or chaff him--good heavens, one might just as -well think of asking the Archbishop of Canterbury by telephone whether -he would not come to the next bar round the corner for a glass of Bass. - -"'And as to other still more personal claims of tenderness and intimacy -on the part of the wife, such as embraces and kisses, one shudders -to think how any woman may ever hope to attempt doing them without -imminent risk to her life. - -"'Fancy a wife trying to kiss her legal husband! He, prouder of his -collar and cuffs than of his banking account, to stand calmly and -willingly an assault on the immaculate correctness of the said collar -and cuffs! - -"'It passes human comprehension. The mere idea thereof is unthinkable. - -"'Perhaps in the first few weeks of married life. But after six months; -after a year, or two--by what stretch of imagination shall one reach -the possibility of such an event? After six months, he is indifferent -to the entire astronomy of his wife; after a year or so, he hates her. -It is not so much that he wants another woman, or another man's wife, -or another wife's man; what he wants is to be left alone. - -"'He has long since shaken off the State, the Church, the Army, and, -politically, the Nobility. Nothing can be more evident than that he -wants to shake off the last of the old shackles: Marriage. His motive -is: shekels, but no shackles. - -"'Some incomprehensibly modest people have proposed marriage to last -ten years only. It appears, they contend, that the critical period of -the modern marriage shows itself at the end of ten years. The scandals -that are usually cropping up at the end of that period, they say, might -very well be avoided by terminating marriage legally at the end of the -tenth year. People proposing such stuff clearly manifest their utter -inability to see through the true character of modern marriage. - -"'If marriages were to last only ten years, then be sure that the said -critical period with its inevitable scandals would set in at the end -of the fifth year. The cause, the real cause of these scandals is not -in the length of time, but in the very nature of marriage. If this -iniquitous and barbarous contract were to last only for five years, -then its critical period and its scandals would appear at the end of -two years. And by a parity of reasoning, if marriage were to last one -year only, it would by its inherent vice come to grief at the end of -six months. - -"'The only cure for marriage is to abolish it. Does marriage not demand -the very quality that not one English person in a hundred thousand -possesses: yieldingness? Or can anyone deny that no English person has -ever really meant to admit that he or she was wrong? - -"'They are all of them infallible. People write such a lot about the -hatred of Popery in English history. What nonsense. English people do -not hate Popery; they despise the idea that there should be only one -infallible Pope, whereas they know that in England alone there are at -present over thirty millions of such infallibles. This being so, how -can marriage be a success? - -"'Or take it,' the Free Love lady continued, 'from another standpoint. -Most Englishmen enter married life with little if any experience of -womanhood. Only the other day a young man of twenty-five, who was just -about to marry, asked in my presence whether it was likely that a woman -gave birth to one child early in the month of May, and to the other in -the following month of June? He thought that _The Times_ instalment -system applied to all good things. - -"'Other young men inquire seriously about the strategy of marriage, and -the famous song in the _Belle of New York_, in which the girl asks her -_fiancé_ "When we are married what will you do?" was possible only in -countries of Anglo-Saxon stock. In Latin countries the operette could -not have been finished in one evening on account of the interminable -laughter of the public. In London nobody turned a hair, as they say. -Half of the men present had, in their time, asked the same question of -themselves or of their doctors. - -"'Now if there is one thing more certain than another in the whole -matter of marriage it is this, that the inexperienced _fiancé_ -generally makes the worst husband. Being familiar only with the ways -and manners of men, he misunderstands, misconstrues, and misjudges most -of the actions or words of his young wife. He is positively shocked -at her impetuous tenderness, and takes many a manifestation of her -love for him as mere base flattery or as hypocrisy. Not infrequently -he ceases treating her as his wife, and goes on living with her as -his sister; and, since the wife, more loyal to nature, rarely omits -recouping herself, her husband acts the part of certain gentlemen of -Constantinople. It is thus that the famous _ménage à trois_ does not, -properly speaking, exist in England. In England it is always a _ménage -à deux_. - -"'If, then, instead of continuing marriage; if, instead of maintaining -an institution so absurd and so contrary to the nature of an -Englishman, we dropped it altogether; if, instead of compulsory wedding -ceremonies, we introduced that most sacred of all things: FREE LOVE; -the advantages accruing to the nation as a whole, and to each person -constituting that nation, would be immense. - -"'Free Love, ay: that is the only solution. Nature knows what she is -after. The blue-eyed crave the black-eyed ones; the fair-haired desire -the dark-haired; the tall ones the small; the thin ones the thick; the -unlettered ones the lettered unfettered ones. This is Nature. - -"'If these affinities are given free scope, the result will be a nation -of giants and heroes. Affinities produce Infinities. Free Trade in -wedlock is the great panacea. Since the only justifiable ground for -marriage is--the child, how dare one marry anyone else than the person -with whom he or she is most likely to have the finest babe? That person -is clearly indicated by Nature. How, then, can Society, Law, or the -Church claim the right to interfere in the choice? - -"'I know that many of you will say: "Oh, if men should take their wives -only from Free Love, they would take a different one every quarter." -But if you come to think of it, it is not so at all. If men took their -wives out of Free Love, they could not so much as think of taking -another wife every quarter. For, which other wife could they take? -There would be none left for them, since all the other women would, -by the hypothesis, long have been taken up by _their_ Free Lovers. -Moreover, if a man takes a wife out of Free Love, he sticks to her just -because he loves her. Had he not loved her, he would not have taken -her; and if he should cease loving her, he would find no other woman to -join him, owing to his proved fickleness. - -"'Last, not least, women and men would form elaborate societies for -the prevention of frivolous breaches of faith. At present no woman has -a serious interest in watching another woman's man. It would be quite -different in Free-Love-Land. The unofficial supervision and control of -men and women would be as rigorous as in monastic orders. As a man -will pay off debts contracted at a card-table with infinitely greater -anxiety than any ordinary debt of his to a tailor or a grocer, just -because such gambling debts are not actionable; even so conjugal debts -would, in Free-Love-Land, be discharged with a punctuality that now is -practically unknown. - -"'The commonplace assertion that legal marriage preserves men and women -in a virtuous life has been refuted these six thousand years. To the -present day one is not able to deny the truth of what once a Turkish -woman replied to a Christian lady. The latter asked the Oriental: "How -can you tolerate the fact that your husband has at the same time and -in the same house three other wives of his?" The Turkish lady replied: -"Please, do not excite yourself unduly. The only difference between me -and you is this, that I know the names of my rivals, and you do not." - -"'In Free-Love-Land alone is there virtue. Men and women select freely, -obeying only the dictates of infallible Nature. The result is order, -health, joy, and efficiency. How can any person of sense believe in the -present marriage systems, when one considers the countless lives of old -maids sacrificed to the Moloch of modern legal monogamy? - -"'In England there are about four times more old maids than in any -other country; except in New England, in the United States, where every -second woman is born an old maid. Has anybody ever seriously pondered -over the great danger to Society and State implied in an excessive -number of old maids? I leave it to you, and I dare say to everyone of -you who has, no doubt, bitterly suffered at the hands of some one old -maid in his or her family. - -"'Old maids are either angels of goodness, or devils in human form; -the real proportion of either must be left to the Lord Chancellor -to decide. But who, or what produces old maids? Our legal monogamy. -Give us Free Love, and you shall have heard the last word of old -maids. Refuse Free Love, and we shall have to form our old maids -into regiments and send them against the Germans. Plato said that -the unsatisfied womb of a woman wanders about in all her body like -a ravenous animal and devours everything on his path. Our present -marriage system makes more victims than victors.' - - * * * * * - -"The good bag of bones wanted to continue in the same strain, but was -stopped by a young policeman who threatened to take her into custody -unless she discontinued her oratory. She threatened to love him freely; -whereupon he ran away as speedily as he could manage, but was at once -followed by the valiant she-orator, who nearly overtook him, crying -all the time 'I love you freely'--'I love you freely.' The whole crowd -followed, howling, screaming, laughing, and singing songs of Free Love. -So ended the discourse on Free Love. - - * * * * * - -"A few weeks later," continued Alcibiades, "I made the acquaintance -of what they call a society lady. She was, of course, a specialist. -She had found out that her physical attractions were of a kind to show -off best at the moment of entering a crowded room. She was, to use the -phraseology of the _chef_, an _entrée_ beauty. Her name was Entréa. At -the moment she entered a _salon_, she gave, just for a few minutes, the -impression of being strikingly handsome. She walked well, and the upper -part of her head, her hair, forehead, and eyes were very pretty. She -knew that on entering a room, the upper part of the head is precisely -the one object of general attention. This she utilised in the most -methodic manner. She entered with an innocent smile and lustrous eyes. -The effect was decidedly pretty. - -"In order to heighten it she always came late. Her cheeks, which were -ugly; her shoulders, which were uglier; her arms, which were still -uglier, were all cleverly disguised or made to appear secondary, and -as if dominated by her big eyes. She was very successful. Most men -considered her beautiful; and women were happy that her principal -effect did not last very long. She knew some fifteen phrases by heart, -which were meant to meet the conversation of the fifteen different -species into which she had, for daily use, divided the different men -she met in society. Each of these phrases gave her the appearance of -much _esprit_ and of an intelligent interest in the subject. She did -not understand them at all; but she never mixed them up, thanks to her -instinct, which was infallible. - -"The last time she had done or said anything spontaneously or -naively was on the day she left her nursery. Ever since she was -the mere manager of her words and acts. In everything there was a -cool intention. As a matter of fact she was meant by Nature to be a -salesgirl at Whiteley's. Failing this, she sold her presence, her -smiles, her manners to the best social advantage. A rabid materialist, -she always pretended to live for nothing but ideals. Sickened by music, -she always gave herself out to be an enthusiast for Wagner. Like many -women that have no natural talent for intellectual pursuits, she was -most eager to read serious books, to attend serious lectures, and to -engage a conversation on philosophy. - -"I met her in my quality as Prince of Syracuse. She first thought -that Syracuse was the name of my father; when I had explained to her -that Syracuse was the name of a famous town in Sicily, she asked me -whether I belonged to the great family whose motto was _qui s'excuse, -s'iracuse_. - -"On my answering in the negative, she exclaimed: 'But surely you belong -at least to the Maffia? Oh do, it would be so interesting!' In order -to please her I at once belonged to that society of secret assassins. -However, I soon noticed that she thought the Maffia was the Sicilian -form of a society for patriotic Mafficking. - -"When we became a little more intimate, she told me that I was -never to speak of anything else than Syracuse. That would give me a -certain _cachet_, as she put it, and distinguish me from the others. -Accordingly I placed all my stories and occasional sallies of talk -at Syracuse. I was the Syracusan. She swore my accent was Syracusan, -and that my entire personality breathed Syracusan air. In society she -presented me as a member of a curious race, the Syracusans, in Sicily, -close to the Riviera. - -"One day she surprised me with the question whether the men of Syracuse -were still in the habit of marrying two women at a time. She had read -in some book of the double marriage of Dionysus the Elder in the fourth -century B.C. I calmed her in that respect. I said that since that time -things had changed at Syracuse. - -"On the other hand, I was unable to make out whether she was a divorced -virgin, or a deceased sister's wife. It was not clear at all. When -conversing with me alone, she was as dry as a Nonconformist; but in a -drawing-room, full of people, she showered upon me all the sweets of -passionate flirtation. - -"One day I told her that I had won great victories in the chariot races -at Olympia. She looked at me with a knowing smile and said: 'Come, -come, why did I not read about it in the _Daily Nail_?' and, showing me -the inside of her hat, she pointed at a slip of paper in it, on which -was printed: 'I am somewhat of a liar myself.' I assured her that I had -really won great prizes at Olympia. - -"'Were they in the papers?' she asked. - -"I said, we had no papers at that time. - -"'No papers?' she exclaimed. 'Why, were you like the negroes? No -papers! What will you tell me next? Had you perhaps no top-hats either? -Do you mean to tell me that this great poet of yours--what you call -him?--ah, Lord Homer, had no top-hat?' - -"I assured her that we had no hats whatever. - -"'Oh, I see,' she said, 'you were founded like the blue boys,--I see. -But surely you wore gloves?' - -"On my denying it, she turned a little pale. - -"'No gloves either? Then I must ask you only one more thing: had you no -shoes either?' - -"'No,' I said, calmly, 'some of us, like Socrates, went always -barefoot, others in sandals.' - -"She smiled incredulously. I told her that in the heyday of Athens men -in the streets went about over one-third nude. She did not mind the -nude, but she stopped at the word heyday. - -"She asked me: 'On which day of the year fell your heyday?' - -"I did not quite know what to say, until it flashed upon my mind that -she meant 'hay-day.' I soon saw I was right, because she added: - -"'Does going barefoot cure hay-fever? And is that the reason why so -many people still talk of Socrates?' - -"I stared at her. Was it really possible that she did not know who -Socrates was? I tried to give a short sketch of your life, O Socrates, -but I could not go beyond the time before you were born. For, when I -said that your mother had been a midwife, my lady friend recoiled with -an expression of terror. - -"'What,' she exclaimed, 'he was the son of a midwife?--a -midwife?--Pray, do not let us talk about such people! I hoped he was at -least the son of a baronet. How could you ever endure his company?' - -"'That was just it,' said I, 'I could not. His charm was so great, that -for fear of neglecting everything else I fled from him like a hunted -stag.' - -"'But pray,' she retorted, 'what charm can there be in a son of a -midwife? I can imagine some interest in a clever midwife,--but in her -son? Oh, that is too absurd for words!' - -"'My charming friend,' I answered, 'Socrates was, as he frequently -remarked it, himself a sort of midwife, who never pretended to be -parent to a thought, but only to have helped others to produce them.' - -"'Oh, is that it,--' she said dryly, 'Socrates did manual services in -midwifery? How lost to all shame your women must have been to engage a -man in their most delicate moments. I now see why so many of my lady -friends deserted a man who had announced lectures on Plato. He also -talked about Socrates, and when it became known that Socrates was a -wretched midwife's clerk, we left the lecture-hall in indignation. -Fancy that man said he talked about Plato, and yet in his discourses -he talked about nurseries, teetotalism, Christian Science and all such -things as date only of yesterday, and of which Plato could have known -nothing.' - -"'But my lovely Entréa,' I interrupted, 'Plato does talk of all these -things, and with a vengeance.' - -"'How _could_ he talk of them?' she triumphantly retorted. 'Did he ever -read the _Daily Nail_ or _Ladies' Wold_?' - -"'No,' I said, 'he never did, which is one of the many reasons of his -divine genius. But he does speak of temperance, and simple life, and -the superman, and all the other so-called discoveries of this age, -with the full knowledge of a sage who has actually experienced those -eccentricities.' - -"My fascinating friend could stand it no longer. Interrupting me she -said: - -"'Why, every child knows that Plato talked of nothing else than of -Platonic love. We all expected to hear about nothing else than that -curious love which all of us desire, if it is not too long insisted -upon. We went to the course to revive in ourselves long-lost shivers -not only of idealism, but even of bimetallism, or as it were the double -weight of it. - -"'We thought, since Plato is evidently named after platinum, which we -know to be the dearest of precious metals, his philosophy must treat of -such emotions as cost us the greatest sacrifice. - -"'Platonic love is the most comfortable of subjects to talk or think -about. It makes you look innocent, and yet on its brink there are such -nicely dreadful possibilities of plunging into delightful abysses. Each -thing gets two values; one Platonic, the other,--the naughty value. A -whole nude arm may be Platonic; but a voluptuous wrist peeping out of -fine laces may be only--a tonic. - -"'Now these are precisely the subjects of which we desired to hear -in those lectures. Instead of which the man said nothing about them, -nothing about that dear Platonic love; in fact, he said that Plato -never speaks of what is now called Platonic love. And that man calls -himself a scholar? Why, my very chamber-maid knows better. The other -day she saw the lecturer's photo in a paper and, smiling in an -embarrassed way, she said to the cook: "That's the man what talks at -Cliradge's about miscarriages." Was she not right? Is not Platonic love -the cause of so many miscarriages, before, during, or after the wedding -ceremony? - -"'And then,' she added with a gasp, 'we all knew that Plato was a -mystic, full of that shivery, half-toney, gruesomely something or other -which makes us feel that even in everyday life we are surrounded by -asterisks, or, as they also call them, astral forces. Was not Plato -an intimate friend of Mrs Blavatsky, the sister of Madame Badarzewska, -who was the composer of "A Maiden's Prayer"? There! why then did that -lecturer not talk about palmistry, auristry, sorcery, witchcraft, and -other itch-crafts? Not a word about them! We were indignant. - -"'A friend of mine, Mrs Oofry Blazing, who talks French admirably, -and whose teeth are the envy of her nose, declared: "_Cet homme est -un fumiste_." Of course, he sold us fumes, instead of perfumes. One -amongst us, an American woman of the third sex, told the man publicly -straight into his face, and with inimitable delicacy of touch: "Sir, -what are you here for?" Quite so; what _was_ he there for? We wanted -Plato, and nothing but Plato. One fairly expected him to begin every -sentence with P's, or Pl's. Instead of that he wandered from one -subject to another. One day he talked about the general and the -particular; the other day about the particular and the general. But -what particular is there in a general, I beg of you? Is an admiral not -much more important? We do not trouble about the army at all. And then, -and chiefly, what has a general to do with Plato? The lectures were -not on military matters, but on the most immaterial matters, which yet -matter materially. But, of course, now that you tell me that Socrates, -Plato's master, was a he-midwife, I can very well understand that his -modern disciples are philosophical miscarriages!'" - - * * * * * - -The gods laughed heartily, and Sappho asked Plato how he liked the -remarks of Entréa. Plato smiled and made Sappho blush by reminding -her what the little ones had at all times said of her, although not -a tittle of truth was in it. "No ordinary citizen, nor his wife," he -added, "ever wants to know persons or things as they really are. They -only want to know what they imagine or desire to be the truth. This -is the reason why so many men before the public take up a definite -pose, the one demanded by the public. This they do, not out of sheer -fatuity, but of necessity. A king could not afford to sing in public, -no matter how well he sang; it does not fit the image the public likes -to form about a king. In fact, the better he sang, the more harm it -would do him. I have always impressed the little ones as a mystic, an -enthusiast, a blessed spirit, as you Goethe used to call me. Yet my -principal aim was Apollo, and not Dionysus; clearness, and not the -_clair-obscur_ of trances." - -Alcibiades, whose beautiful head added to the charms of Venice, then -continued: "Nothing, O Plato, can be truer than your remark. My lady -friend was a living example of your statement. To me, after so many -hundreds of experiences, her made-up little mask was no hindrance,--I -saw through her within less than a week. She was, at heart, as dry, -as kippered, as intentionalist, and coldly self-conscious as the -driest of Egyptian book-keepers in a great merchant firm at Corinth. -Nothing really interested her; she was only ever running after what she -imagined to be the fashion of the moment. What she really wanted was -to be the earliest in 'the latest.' When she came to the bookshop, -at five in the afternoon, when all the others came, she would ask the -clerk after the latest fashion in novels. She did that so frequently, -and with such exasperating regularity, that one day the clerk, who -could stand it no longer, said to her: 'Madame, be seated for a -few moments--the fashion is just changing.' She, not in the least -disconcerted, eagerly retorted: 'I say, is that "the latest"?' The -clerk gave notice to leave! - -"One day I found her in a very bad humour. When pressed for an -explanation, she told me that just at that moment an elegant funeral -was going on, at which she was most anxious to attend. 'Why, then, do -you not go?' I asked. - -"'Because,' she replied, 'it is simply impossible. Just fancy, that -good woman died of heart failure!' - -"'?'-- - -"'You cannot see? Heart failure? Can you imagine anybody to die -of heart failure, when the only correct thing to do is to die of -appendicitis? I telephoned in due time to her doctor, imploring him -to declare that she died of that smart disease. But he is a brute. He -would not do it. Now I am for ever compromised by the friendship of -that woman. Oh how true was the remark of your sage Salami, when he -said that nobody can be said to be happy before all his friends have -died!'" - -Thereupon the gods and heroes congratulated Solon upon his change of -profession: having been a sage, he was now a sausage. - -"The next time I saw my lady friend," Alcibiades continued, "I found -her in tears. Inquiring after the cause of her distress, I learnt: - -"'Just imagine! You know my little pet-dog. I bought him of a -lady-in-waiting. He has the most exquisite tact and feels happy only -in genteel society. An hour ago my maid suddenly left my flat, and -expecting, as I did, a lady of very high standing, I did a little -dusting and cleaning in my room. When my Toto saw that; when he watched -me actually doing housemaid's work, he cried bitterly. He could not -bear the idea of my demeaning myself with work unfit for a lady. It -was really too touching for words. When I saw the refined sense of -genteeldom in Toto's eyes, I too began crying. And so we both cried.' - - * * * * * - -"When I had lived through several scenes of the character just -described, I could not help thinking that we Athenians were perhaps -much wiser than the modern men, in that we did not allow our women -to appear in society. They were, it is true, seldom interesting, nor -physically greatly developed. On the other hand they never bored us -with types of what these little ones call society ladies. I cannot -but remember the exquisite evenings which I spent at the house of -Critias, where one of our wittiest _hetairai_, or emancipated women, -imitated the false manners, hypocrisy and inane pomp of the society -ladies of Thebes in Egypt. We laughed until we could see no longer. -What Leontion, that _hetaira_, represented was exactly what I observed -in my lady friend in London. The same disheartening dryness of soul; -the same exasperating superficiality of intellect; the same lack of all -real refinement, that I found a few centuries later in society in the -times of the Roman Cæsars. - -"London desiccates; whereas Athens or Paris animates. When I gave -up my relation to Entréa, I met a woman of about thirty-four, whose -head was so perfect that Evænetus himself has never engraved a more -absolutely beautiful one. Her hair was not only golden of the most -lovely tint, but also full of waves, from long curls in Doric _adagio_, -to tantalising Corinthian _pizzicato_ frizzles all round. Her face was -a cameo cut in onyx, and both lovely and severe. Her loveliness was in -the upper part of her face; her severity round the mouth and the chin. -This strange reversal of what is usually the case gave her a character -of her own. Her stark blue eyes were big and cold, yet sympathetic and -intelligent-looking; and her ears were the finest shells that Leucothea -presented her mother with from the wine-coloured ocean, and inside the -shells were the most enchanting pearls, which the sea-nymph then left -in the mouth of the blessed babe as her teeth. She was not tall, but -very neatly made; a _fausse maigre_. She wrote bright articles, in -which from time to time she wrapped up a big truth in _bon-bon_ paper. - -"There was in her the richest material for the most enchanting -womanhood; a blend of Musarion and Aspasia; or to talk modern style, -a blend of Mademoiselle l'Espinasse with Madame Récamier. She was -neither. Not that she made any preposterous effort to be, what Paris -calls, a Madame Récamier. But London desiccated her. From dry by -nature, she became drier still by London. Being as dry as she was, she -only cared for mystic things; for what is behind the curtain of things; -for the borderland of knowledge and dream. As sand can never drink in -enough rain, so dry souls want to intoxicate themselves with mystic -alcohol. In vulgarly dry persons that rain from above becomes--mud; -in refinedly dry souls it is atomised into an intellectual spray. Her -whole soul was athirst of that spray. - -"When I told her that I was the son of Clinias, she wanted to know -first of all, what had been going on at the mysteries of Eleusis. I -told her that, like all the Hellenes, I had sworn never to reveal what -I had seen at the holy ceremonies. This she could not understand. In -her religion the priests are but too anxious to initiate anybody that -cares for it. - -"'Initiate me--oh initiate me--I beg you,' she said, and looked more -beautiful than ever. Her arm trembled; her voice faltered. Even if -I did not respect my oath, I should not have told her the teachings -of Eleusis. They were far too simple for her mystery-craving soul. -So I told her of the Orphic mysteries, and the more she heard of the -extravagant and mind-shaking rites and tenets, the more interested she -became. Her mouth, usually so severe, swung again in pouty lines of -youthful timidity, and her voice got a 'cello down of mellowness. - -"'Let us introduce Orphism into this country,' she exclaimed. 'Will you -be honorary treasurer?' - -"I accepted," said Alcibiades. "Within three days Orphism was presented -as the _Orphic Science_. The members were called priestesses, -archontes, or acolytes, according to their degree. Within a month -there were 843 members. Jamblichus was sent for and made secretary. -Costumes were invented; pamphlets printed; cures promised; shares -offered. It was declared that trances and mystic shivers would be -procured 'while you wait'; dreams accounted for; inexplicables -explained; the curtain of things raised every Friday at five, after -tea. Finally the Orphics gave their first dinner at the Hotel Cecil. - -"That was the worst blow. After that I abandoned Orphism." - - - - -FOURTH NIGHT - -ALCIBIADES--CONTINUED - - -Hestia now interrupted Alcibiades with the question whether all the -women in nebulous Britannia were as grotesque as those that he had -described. - -Alcibiades smiled and said: - -"Not all of them, but all at times. Women must necessarily adapt -themselves to the nature of their men, as clerks do to that of their -patrons, or soldiers to that of their generals and officers. The -Englishman buys his liberty at the expense of much human capital; -which cannot but make him eccentric and grotesque. The women attune -themselves to him, although no foreigner has a clearer nor a more -depreciative idea of Englishmen's angularity than have English women. -As women they do not, as a rule, care for liberty at all, and hence -consider the sacrifices made by men for liberty as superfluous and -uncalled-for. A woman wants in all things the human note, which the -average Englishman hates. Hence the surprising power of Continental men -over English women. A hundred picked Greeks from Athens, Sicyon and -Syracuse could bring half of all English women to book--for Cytherea. -How could it be otherwise? The animated, passionate, direct talk of a -Greek is something so novel to an English woman that she is as it were -hypnotised by it. She thinks it is she and her personality that has -given her Continental admirer that _verve_ of expression which she has -never before experienced in the men of her circle. This alone is such -flattery to her that she loses her head. - -"If one resolutely goes on scraping off the man-made chalk from the -manners and actions of English women, one is frequently rewarded -with the pleasure of arriving at last at the woman behind the chalk. -This is more especially the case in women of the higher classes. The -only time in England I felt something of that painful bliss that -mortals call love, was in the case of a lady friend of mine who, under -mountains of London clay, hid away a passionate, loving woman. She -was tall and luxuriously built. Her hands were of perfect shape and -condignly continued by lovely arms, that attached themselves into -majestic shoulders with the ease of a rivulet entering a lake by a -graceful curve. Over her shoulders the minaret of her neck stood -watch. In charming contrast to the _legato cantabile_ of her body was -the _staccato_ of her mind. Her words pecked at things like birds. -Sometimes there appeared amongst the latter an ugly vulture or two; but -there were more colibris and magpies. I had met her for months before -I surmised that there was something behind that London clay. But when -the moment came and the bells began sobbing in her minaret, then I knew -that here was a heart aglow with true passion and with the dawn of hope -divine. Like all women that do truly love, she would not believe me -that I sincerely felt what I said. Doubt is to women what danger is to -men: it sharpens the delight of love. She never became really tender; -ay, she was amazed and moved to tears at my being so. Her heart was -uneducated; it was _gauche_ at the game of love. - - * * * * * - -"Amongst the persons dressed in female attire I also met a number of -beings whom, but for my long stay at Sparta, I should hardly have -recognised as women. A French friend of mine remarked of them: '_Ce ne -sont pas des femmes, ce sont des Américaines_.' The species is very -much in evidence in London. They reminded me violently of the Spartan -women. They are handsome, if more striking than beautiful. I noticed -that in contrast to European women, American females gain in years what -they lose in dress at night. They look older when undressed. They have -excellent teeth, and execrable hands; they jump well, but walk badly. -Their great speciality is their voice, which is strident, top-nasal, -_falsetto_, disheartening. The most beautiful amongst them is murdered -by her voice. It is as if out of the most perfect mouth, set in the -most charming face, an ugly rat would jump at one. That voice, the -English say, comes from the climate of America. (This I do not believe -at all; for I have noticed that in England everything is ascribed to -the climate, as to the thing most talked about by the people. Climate -and weather are the most popular subjects in England; the one that is -never out of fashion.) As a matter of fact it comes from the total lack -of emotionality in the Americans; just as amongst musical instruments -the more emotional ones, like the 'cello, have more pectoral tonality, -whereas the fife, for instance, having no deep emotions at all to -express, is high and thin toned. - -"Nothing seemed to me more interesting than the way in which the -American female reminded me of the Spartans and the Amazons. -Could anything be more striking than the coincidence between two -conversations, one of which I had, far over two thousand years ago, -with the Queen of an Amazonian tribe in Thracia, and the other with -the wife of an American flour dealer settled in London? When I called -on Thamyris in her tent, one of her first questions was as to the -latest dramatic piece by Sophocles. I at once saw that the Queen -wanted to impress her _entourage_ with her great literary abilities. I -gave her some news about Sophocles, whereupon she turned round to her -one-breasted she-warriors and said with a superior smile: - -"'You must know that Sophocles is the latest star in Athenian comedy.' - -"She mixed you up, O Sophocles, with Aristophanes. With the American -flour dealer's wife my experience was as follows: He had made my -acquaintance in a bar-room, and invited me to his house. On the way -there he said to me: - -"'My missus is quite a linguist. She talks French like two natives. Do -talk to her French.' - -"When we arrived at the house and entered the drawing-room, a rather -handsome woman rose from an arm-chair, and stepping up to me said -something that sounded like '_Monsieur, je suis ravie de faire votre -connaissance_'; I thanked her, also in French, when suddenly she bowed -over me and whispered in American fifes: - -"'Don't continue, that's all I know.' - -"When I left, the husband accompanied me to the door. Before I took -leave, he twinkled with his right eye, and asked me with a knowing -look, 'Well, sir, what do you think of the linguistic range of my -madame?' - -"I did not quite know what to reply. At last I said: 'Like a true -soldier she fights on the borderland.' - -"One of the strangest things to note in London society is the -fascination exercised by American women on Englishmen. Many of the -really intelligent men among the English are practically lost as -soon as the American woman begins playing with the little lasso of -thin ropes which she carries about her in the shape of an acquired -brightness and a studied vivacity. The most glaring defects of those -women do not seem to exist for the average Englishman. He takes her -loud brightness for French _esprit_ dished up to him in intelligible -English. Her total lack of self-restraint and modesty he takes for a -charming _abandon_. The real fact is that he is afraid of her. She -may have many a bump: she certainly has not that of reverence. Her -irreverent mind makes light of the _grandezza_ of Englishmen, and thus -cows him by his fear of making himself ridiculous. - -"The first American woman (--_sit venia verbo_, as you would say, O -Cicero--) I met in London was one married to an English lord. She was -tall, well-built, with rich arms and hips, an expressive head, very -fond of the arts, more especially of music. Even her head, which was -a trifle square, indicated that. When she learnt that I really was the -famous Alcibiades, her excitement knew no bounds. She was good enough -to explain it to me: - -"'Just fancy that! Alcibiades! (They pronounce my name Elkibidees.) I -am simply charmed! I have so far every year introduced some new and -striking personage into drawing-rooms, in order to stun the natives of -this obsolete island. I have brought into fashion one-legged dancers; -three-legged calves; single-minded thought-readers; illusionists; -disillusionists; disemotionists; dancers classical, mediæval, and -hyper-modern; French lectures on the isle of Lesbos, after a series of -discourses on the calves of the legs of Greek goddesses in marble; not -to forget my unique course of lectures given at the drawing-room of the -dearest of all duchesses, on the history of _décolletage_. - -"'This year, to be quite frank with you, Mr Elkibidees, I meant to -arrange in the magnificent drawing-room of an Oriental English lady, -the uniquest and at the same time the boldest exhibition ever offered -to the dear nerves of any class of women. I cannot quite tell you what -it was going to be. I can only faintly indicate that it was to be a -collection of all the oldest as well as latest inventions securing the -tranquillity of enjoying just one child in the family. This, I have no -doubt, would have been the greatest sensation of the season. - -"'The city of Manchester and the town of Leeds would have publicly -protested against so "immoral" an exhibition. Of course their -councillors would have done so after careful study of the things -exhibited. Three bishops would have threatened to preach publicly in -Hyde Park; while five archdeacons would have volunteered to be the -honorary secretaries of so interesting an exhibition. - -"'I communicated the idea to Father Bowan, a virulent Jesuit, who -in the creepiest of _capucinades_, delivered on most Sundays during -the season, gives us the most delightful shivers of repentance, and -likewise many an inkling of charming vice of which we did not know -anything before we learned it from his pure lips. He was delighted. -"Do, my lady, do do it. I am just a little short of horrors, and your -exhibition will give me excellent material for at least four Sundays. -I hope you have not forgotten to illustrate by wax figures certain -methods, far more efficient than any instrument can be, and most -completely enumerated and described in the works of members of our -holy Order, such as Suarez, Sanchez, Escobar, and others. Should you -not have these works, I will send you an accurate abridgment of their -principal statements of facts." - -"'When I heard the Rev. Father talk like that, I could scarcely control -myself with enthusiasm in anticipating the huge sensation my exhibition -was sure to make. It would have been the best fed, the best clad, and -the most enlightened sensation ever made in England since the battle of -Hastings. I really thought that nothing greater could be imagined. - -"'And yet, when I now come to think what a draw you will be, Mr Elki, -if properly taken in hand, duly advertised, adroitly paragraphed, -constantly interviewed, and occasionally leadered,--when I think of -all that, I cannot but think that I shall have in you the greatest -catch that has ever been in any country under any sun. In fact, I have -my plan quite ready. - -"'I will announce a big reception, "to meet" you. Some ladies will, -by request, arrive in Greek dress. The public orator of one of the -great Universities will address you in Greek, and you will reply in -the same language. Then three of the prettiest daughters of earls and -marquesses will dance the dance of the Graces, after which there will -be a dramatic piece made by Hall Caine and Shaw, each of them writing -alternate pages, the subject of which will be the Thirty Years' War, in -which you excelled so much.' - -"I interrupted her," said Alcibiades, "remarking that the Thirty Years' -War was two thousand years after my time; my war was the Peloponnesian -War. - -"'Very well,' she exclaimed, 'the Peloponnesian War. I do not care -which. Hall Caine will praise everything in connection with war, in his -best _Daily Nail_ style. He is, you know, our leading light. He always -wants to indulge in great thoughts, and would do so too, but for the -awkward fact that he cannot find any. - -"'Shaw, on the other hand, will cry down in choicest Gaelic all the -glories of war. It will be the biggest fun out. - -"'And then, _entre nous_, could you not bring with you a Lais, a Phryne -or two, in their original costumes as they allured all you naughty -Greeks in times bygone? It would be charmingly revolting. When I dimly -represent to myself how the young eagles of society will tremble with -pleasure at the thought of adding to their lists of conquests, in pink -and white, a Corinthian or Athenian _demi-mondaine_ of two thousand -years ago, I feel that I am a Personality. - -"'If I could offer such an unheard-of opportunity I should get first -leaders in the _Manchester Guardian_ and mild rebukes, full of secret -zest, in the godly _Guardian_; let alone other noble papers read by the -goody-goody ones. The _Record_ would send me a testimonial signed by -the leading higher critics. I should be the heroine of the day and of -the night.'" - -The gods and heroes encouraged Alcibiades by their gay laughter to tell -them all that happened at the "At Home" of his American lady friend, -and he continued as follows: - -"When the evening of the Greek _soirée_ came, I went to the -drawing-room in company with Phryne and Lais, who were most charmingly -dressed as flute-girls. When we entered the large room we saw a vast -assembly of women and men, mostly dressed in the preposterous fashion -of the little ones. The women looked like zoological specimens, some -resembling Brazilian butterflies, others reptiles, others again snakes -or birds of prey. The upper part of their bodies was uncovered, -no matter whether the rest of the body had gone through countless -campaigns enlivened by numerous capitulations, or whether it had just -expanded into the buds of rosy spring. The men looked like the clowns -in our farces. They wore a costume that no Greek slave would have -donned. It was all black and all of the same cut. Instead of looking -enterprising, they all looked like undertakers. Each of them made -a nervous attempt to appear as inoffensive, and as self-effacing as -possible; just like undertakers entering the house where a person had -died. - -"When we entered the room the whole assembly rose and cried: -'Cairo--Cairo!' (they were told to cry _Chaire_--but in vain). I -could distinctly hear remarks such as these: 'How weird!'--'Is it not -uncanny?'--'It makes me feel creepy!' After a few minutes there was -a deep silence, and an elderly gentleman came up through the middle -of the room and, bowing first to us and then to the people assembled, -stepped up to the platform and began a speech in a strange language, -which I vaguely remembered having heard before. - -"Phryne suddenly began to giggle, and so irresistible was her laughter -that both Lais and I could not but join her, especially when in words -broken by continuous laughter she told us: - -"'The old gent pretends to speak Athenian Greek!' - -"It was indeed too absurd for words. There was especially that vulgar -sound _i_ constantly recurring where we never dreamt of using such a -sound; and our beautiful _ypsilon_ (γ) he pronounced like the English -_u_, which is like serving champagne in soup-plates. When he stumbled -over an _ou_, he pronounced it with a sound to which dentists are -better accustomed than any Athenian ever was, and our deep and manly -_ch_ (χ) he castrated down to a lisping _k_. I remember Carians in -Asia Minor who talked like that. Our noble and incomparable language, -orchestral, picturesque, sculptural, became like the Palace of Minos -which they are excavating at present: in its magnificent halls, eaten -by weather and worm, one sees only poor labourers and here and there a -directing mind. - -"I imagined that the good man meant by his speech to welcome me back -into the world, and so when my turn to answer him came, I got up and, -leaning partly on Phryne and partly on Lais, who stood near me, I -replied as follows, after speaking for a little while in Attic, in the -language of the country: - -"'It is indeed with no ordinary satisfaction that I beg to thank -you, O Sophist, and you here present for the pleasant reception that -you have given us. My lot has on the whole not been altogether bad. -Your studious men, it is true, affect to condemn me, my policy, -and my private life. Perhaps they will allow me to remark that the -irregularity of my past morals is a matter of temptations. Diogenes -used to tell us that one of my sternest historian-critics in Syracuse -left his wife, children and house on being for once tempted by the -chamber-maid of one of my passing caprices; and the historians of your -race who so gravely decry a Madame de Montespan would, did Madame only -smile at them, incontinently fall into a fit of hopeless moral collapse. - -"'But if your men write against me, irrespective of what they really -feel about me, I am sure your women take a much more lenient view of -the case.' - -"(Discreet applause.) - -"'They feel that ambition did not eat up all the forces of my soul, and -that in worshipping Ares (Mars), I never forgot the cult of Aphrodite -(Venus) either. We Hellenes ventured to be humans, and that is why now -we have become demi-gods. You, my friends, do not even venture to be -humans, and that is why you remain the little ones. - -"'I notice in the northern countries of Europe men do not, or to a -very small degree care for women. Perhaps that is the reason why the -Roman Catholic idea of the Holy Virgin has had no lasting hold on these -nations. - -"'I have seen,' continued Alcibiades, 'too many faces, masks, and -pretences to be much impressed by the apparent indifference of the -northerner to the charms of women. It never meant more than either an -unavowed inclination towards his own sex, or sheer boorishness. Even we -Hellenes had very much to suffer from our political and social neglect -of women outside emancipated ones. The Romans acted much more wisely in -that respect; while the nation of our hostess has practically become -what we called a _gynæcocracy_ or women's rule, where man is socially -what our Greek women used to be: relegated to the background. I hear, -this is the privilege of Englishmen. I understand. When I was young I -learnt but too much about that privilege. - -"'But if I should be asked for advice I would tell your men to take -your women much more seriously. I know that Englishmen are much more -grave than serious; yet with regard to women they ought to be much more -intent on considering them in everything their mates, and in several -things their superiors. Of course, this is an unmilitary nation; and -such nations will always remain boors in Sunday dress. - -"'One of your great writers who, being outside the academic clique, -has always been maligned by the officials, has written a beautiful -essay on the influence of women. Poor Buckle--he treated the problem -as a schoolroom paper. He came to the result that women encourage the -deductive mode of thinking. However, women are more seductive than -deductive, and their real influence is to charm the young, to warm the -mature, and not to alarm the old. - -"'I, being now above the changes of time, I only, contemplate their -charm. And what greater potentialities of charm could one wish for -than those that your women possess? If those magnificently cut and -superbly coloured eyes learned to be expressive; if the muscles of -those fine cheeks knew how to move with speedier grace; if that purely -outlined mouth were more animated--what possibilities of fascination, -like so many fairies, might rise over the dispassionate surface of -those silent lakes! As they are, their several organs are positively -hostile, or coldly indifferent to one another. The forehead, instead -of being the ever-changing capital of the human column, setting off -their beautiful hair, as ivory sets off gold; the shoulders, the seat -of human grace, instead of giving to the head the pedestal of the -Charites; and the arms and hands, instead of giving by their movements -the proper lilt and cadence to everything said or done;--all these -hate one another respectively. The arms do not converse with the face; -theirs is like other conversations: after a few remarks on the weather -all communication stops. So sullen is the antipathy of the arms, that -as a rule they hide on the back, as if begrudging the face or the bust -their company. It is in that way that English women who might be as -beautiful and charming as the maidens of Thebes or of Tanagra, have -made themselves into walking Caryatides, whom we invariably represented -as doing a slavish labour, with their arms on their backs, and with a -heavy load on their heads. - -"'Remove the arms, O women of England, from your badly swung back -and bring them into play in front of your well-shaped bust and your -beautiful faces! Let the consciousness of your power electrify your -looks, your dimples, and your gait; and when from musing Graces you -will have changed into graceful Muses, your men too will be much -superior to what they used to be. - -"'See how little your influence is, as your language clearly indicates. -Is not your language the only idiom in Europe that has completely -dropped that fine shade of sweet intimacy which the use of _thou_ and -_thy_ is giving to the other languages? Is not a new world of tenderest -internal joy permeating the French, German or Italian woman who for -the first time dares to _tutoyer_ her lover? You women of England, the -natural priestesses of all warmth and intimacy, you have suffered all -that to decay. - -"'To your men we Hellenes say: "Imitate us!" To you women, we do not -say so. We ask you to exceed us, to go beyond us, and then alone -when women will be what we Hellenic men were, that is, specimens of -all-round humanity, then indeed you too will rise to the higher status, -and the golden age will again fill the world with light and happiness!' - -"After that speech of mine," continued Alcibiades, "there was much -applause. I mingled with the public, and was at once interpellated by -one of the American ladies present: - -"'Most interesting speech,' she said. 'What I especially liked were -your remarks about thou-ing. And what I want to know most is whether -Caryatides were thou-ing one another?' - -"I was a little perplexed, and all that I could answer was: 'Their -dimples did,' and this seemed to satisfy my American lady marvellously -well. - -"Another lady asked me how many Muses we had, and on hearing that their -number was nine, she was highly astonished. 'Only nine? Why in London -there are mews in every second street. How strange!' - -"A third lady asked me what I meant by shoulders being a pedestal. Her -shoulders, she was sure, were no pedestals, and she would not allow -anyone to stand on them. She added, that she was aware of my having -said that the shoulders were the pedestal of the Charites, but with her -best intention she could not allow even charity to be extended to her -shoulders. I smiled consent. - -"A fourth lady, whose name was Valley, but who was a mountain of -otherwise rosy flesh, asked me what I had meant by maidens of Podagra? -She was sure that young maids never suffered from that ugly disease. I -told her that I really meant Chiragra. This satisfied her marvellously -well. - -"During that time Phryne and Lais were the heroines of the evening, -lionised by women, and courted by men. The women asked them all sorts -of questions and seemed extraordinarily eager to be instructed. One of -them, a brilliant duchess--(who had three secretaries providing her -with the latest information about everything, the first preparing all -the catch-words from A to G, the second from H to N, and the third from -O to Z)--asked Phryne whether she would not permit her to convince -herself of the accuracy of the estimate in which Hyperides held the -exquisite form of Phryne's bosom. (A middle-class woman thereupon asked -Mr Gox, M.P., what Hyperides meant. Mr Gox told her it was the Greek -for Rufus, son of Abraham.) Phryne volunteered to do so at once, and -the women disappeared in a special room, from where very soon cries -of amazement could be heard. The pure beauty of Phryne enchanted the -women. The sensation was immense, ay immensest. - -"The representative of the _Daily Nail_ offered first £2000, then -£3000, finally £5000 for permission to kodak Phryne. - -"The _Bad Times_ at once prepared a folio edition of _The Engravers' -Engravings_, payable in 263 instalments, or preferably at once. - -"The _Daily Marconigraph_ started a public discussion in its columns: -'Shall the lower part of the upper anatomy of the female trunk be -unveiled?' - -"The excitement became so universal that Mr Gigerl See at once convened -a national meeting for the erection of ten new statues to Shakespeare; -and General Booth ordered an absolute fast of 105 hours' duration. - -"All the directors of music halls, the next day, stormed Hotel Ritz -where Phryne had a suite of six lovely rooms, and offered impossible -prices for a performance of five minutes. Phryne, after consulting me, -consented to appear at the Palace Theatre, in the immortal scene when, -in presence of the entire population of Athens, she descended into the -sea. Half of the proceeds were to be given to a fund for poor women in -childbed. Endless advertisements soon filled every available space on -London's walls, parks, newspapers, 'buses, railways, and shops. Tickets -sold at tenfold their original prices. - -"At last the evening came. In the first two rows there were practically -nothing but clergymen. The following rows were filled with lawyers, -M.P.'s and University professors. In the boxes one could see all the -aristocracy of the country. When Phryne's turn came, the orchestra -played Wagner's 'Pilgrim's Chorus,' toward the end of which the curtain -rolled up, and the scene represented the Piræus with apparently -countless people, all in Greek dress. When the expectation was at its -height, Phryne appeared clad only with the veil of her perfect beauty, -and descended into the sea. Before she entered the water she said her -prayers to Aphrodite, and then slowly went into the waves. - -"Everyone in the audience had come to the theatre expecting to be -badly shocked. To their utmost astonishment they found that there -was not only nothing shocking in the scene, but even much to fill -the people with awe. Like all the barbarians, the little ones deem -nudity a shocking sight. What shocked them that night was the fact -that they were not shocked. They felt for a moment that many of their -notions and views must be radically wrong, and that was the only shock -they received. Phryne triumphed over Londoners, as she did over the -Athenians. - -"My American lady friend was in raptures. The incredible sensation her -Elki and his Athenian women had caused in _blasé_ London society made -her the centre of all social centres for a fortnight. She received -innumerable letters from innumerable people. The greatest writers -that the world has ever seen, such as Miss Cora Morelli, wrote to her -saying, that: - -"'She had from her infancy onward taken a deep interest in Alcibiades -and his time, and that now, having actually seen him, she would -forthwith publish a novel under the attractive title of "The Mighty -Elki," let alone another novel, full of the most delightful shivers, -called "Phry, the Pagan."' - -"Mr Hall Caine, in a thundering article, fulminated against the row -made over Phryne, and solemnly declared that the charms of his Manxman -were incomparably greater. One day Mr Caine called on me. He implored -me to become a Christian, and assured me that the shortest way to that -effect would be to attend a performance of his piece of that name. I -thanked him for his kind offer, but politely declined it. Whereupon Mr -Caine remained musing, until at last he surprised me with the question: -'Mr Alcib, you are the man to solve the problem of my life. Do you not -think I bear a remarkable resemblance to Lord Bacon?' - -"I answered that I could discern no resemblance between him and the -witty Chancellor, but that I was bound to confess that there was a -striking resemblance between him and Shakespeare. - -"Mr Caine smiled a superior smile. 'I wonder,' he said, 'you are not -aware of the fact that Shakespeare was written by Lord Bacon.' - -"'Very strange--very strange,' I replied. 'We in Olympus think that -Shakespeare was written by the victory over the Armada, and published -by Elizabeth and Co.' - -"'Do you really think such stuff in Olympus?' exclaimed Mr Caine; -'then I do not wonder that I have never been invited to that place. -What has the Armada to do with _Hamlet_ or _King Lear_? You might just -as well say that my novels were written by our victory at Colenso and -Spion Kop. It is revoltingly absurd. A book is a book and not shrapnel -or bombs. Sir, I am ashamed of you; the purple of red indignation -rises swellingly into my distended physiognomy, and my thought-fraught -forehead sinks under the ignominy of such life-bereft incoherences!' - -"I advised Mr Caine to drink Perrier; he thanked me profusely, and -assured me that he had always done so. He evidently mixed it up -with the Pierian sources of literature which, I learn, provide the -innumerable papers of the Associated Press with the necessary water -under the name of Perrier. - - * * * * * - -"In my honour my American lady friend gave, a few days later, a -concert. The little ones call a concert a series of instrumental and -vocal pieces played for sheer amusement, and without any relation to -poetry, dance, or religion. I have these three to four hundred years -accustomed myself to their music, which is thoroughly different from -ours, being polyphonous, whereas ours was never so. Dionysus, who -presides at their music, has often told us that he introduced it into -the modern world in order to show his exceeding power even in times -when the men and women have lamentably fallen from the height of our -Grecian culture. Our music was essentially Apollinic; that of the -moderns is Dionysiac. You remember, O Zeus, that even Apollo was moved -when three of the moderns had the honour to perform before him. Even he -praised Mozart, Chopin, and some pieces of Weber. You need not blush, -Frédéric, and you might help me to entertain and charm our holy circle -by playing us one of your compositions in which beauty of form is -married in tender love to truth of feeling." - -Thereupon, at a sign of Zeus, Milo of Crotona, the Olympian victor -of all victors, carried a piano on his mighty back, and put it down -gently in one of the mystic barks. Chopin, bowing to the gods, and more -particularly to Juno and Diana, sat down to the instrument and played -the second and the third movement of his E minor _Concerto_. Round -him waved the three Graces, while Dionysus laid an ivy wreath on his -blessed head. Even the gods were moved, and when Frédéric had ended, -they applauded him with passionate admiration. - -"I wish, O Chopin," continued Alcibiades, "I had known you in my -mortal time. What Terpander and Thaletas, the great musicians, did for -Sparta, you might have helped me to do for Athens. It was not to be. -The thought saddens me still. More than Sophocles and Aristophanes -or Socrates, your incomparable music would have helped to keep the -_Kosmos_ of Athens in due proportions." - -A short pause ensued, and all looked with timidity on Zeus' immovable -face. - -"But let us drop these sorrowful reminiscences and return to the London -concert given by my American hostess. - -"She had engaged the best-known artists. For the solo songs she engaged -a woman who had to be carried into the room in a motor chair, and was -not allowed to stand up, before three architects had examined the -solidity of the floor. Her range was from the deep _p_ to the high -_l_. She sang baritone, and soprano at the same time, and what her -tone wanted in width her _taille_ amply replaced. She sang nothing but -Wagner, whose music, it would appear, is written for two-ton women -only. No smaller tonnage need apply. While she sang, three dozen -violins executed the tremolos of five hundred whimpering children, -while forty counter-basses gave, every three minutes, a terrible grunt -in _x_ minor. There were also fifteen fifes, and twenty-one different -kinds of brass instruments, some of which had necks much longer than -that of the oldest giraffe. The music was decidedly sensual and -nerve-irritating. It was full of chords, both accords and discords, -and what little melody there was in it was kneaded out into a tapeworm -of prodigious length and such hydralike vitality, that no matter how -frequently the strings throttled off its head, it yet constantly -recurred bulging out a new head. - -"The men present liked the singer; the women adored the music. It gave -them all sorts of shivers, and although they did not understand it at -all, they yet felt that here was a new shiver. Or as one of them, the -bright Mrs Blazing, remarked: '_Quel artiste que ce M. Wagner!_ He has -translated into music the grating noise of a comb on silk, the creaking -of a rusty key in an old lock, and the strident rasp of a skidding -sleigh or motor on hard-frozen snow.' - -"The next artist was a Belgian violinist. For reasons that you alone, -O Zeus, could tell us, the Belgians are credited with a special gift -for pulling strings in general, and those of the violin in particular. -Being a nation midway between the Germans and the French, they are -believed to possess much of German musical talent and something of -French elegance. This would easily make them good 'cello players. -But not satisfied with the 'cello, in which they have excelled more -than one nation, they must needs be great violinists too. However, -the violin, while not at all the king of instruments, is yet the most -vindictive and jealous amongst them. It is like the Lorelei: it allures -hundreds, only to dash their bones against the rock of Failure. It -wants the delicacy of a woman and the strength of a man. It requires -the soul of spring and the heart of summer to play it well. - -"A Belgian is _eo ipso_ debarred from reaching the height of -violin-playing; just as a Chinaman, with his over-specialised mind, -can never well play the orchestral piano. A Belgian heart is moving -in a colourless and slouching _andante_; the violin moves in a -profoundly agitated _adagio_ or _allegro_. The violin is the instrument -of luckless nations, such as were formerly the Italians, the Poles, -and the Hungarians who gave us Paganini, Wienavski and Joachim. The -Belgians have nearly always enjoyed the _embonpoint_ of fat prosperity. -'_Leur jeu bedonne_,' as Mrs Blazing would say. - -"The Belgian played your _Chaconne_ in D minor, O Bach." - -At these words of Alcibiades all the thinkers and poets present rose -from their seats and bowed to John Sebastian, who stood near Strabo -and Aristotle, being exceedingly fond of geographical lore. Even the -gods applauded and Polyhymnia allowed him to kiss her hands. - -"You remember, O John Sebastian, when I met you near Lützen at one of -your solitary walks and you spoke to me of your _Chaconne_. I listened -with rapt attention and told you that your composition, which you -then played to me on a violin which the old inn-keeper lent you and -which had just arrived from Steiner in Tyrol, rendered as perfectly -as possible the sentiments I had felt when for the first time in my -life I went to the Oracle at Dodona, where the winds rush through the -high oak-trees with a fierce power such as can be heard in no other -spot in Europe. I re-imagined my awe-struck meditations in the holy -grove; I heard the stormy music of Zeus' winds in Zeus' trees; I again -felt all through me the soul-moving chorus of the priests which ends -in a jubilating mood, and finally I left with deep regret at having -to re-enter my life of stress after having spent a day in sacred and -mystic seclusion. - -"When the Belgian artist played it, I listened in vain for Dodona. What -I heard was the rustling of silken tones through the wood of the chairs -and tables at the Carlton. Where was the Oracle? Where the chorus of -the priests? Where their jubilation? The only thing that I found were -my regrets. But the public was charmed. It is imperative to admire the -_Chaconne_, chiefly because it is played Violin _solo_. Mrs Blazing -explained the matter to me with her wonted rapidity of mind: 'Why -wonder at our admiration of the _Chaconne_? Do we not say: "_Chacun à -son goût_?"' - -"The next artist was a pianist, whose name sounded like Pianowolsky -or Forterewsky. He was of course a Pole. The English have long found -out that -welsky or -ewsky goes with the name of a great pianist, as -the pedal goes with the piano. It was for this reason that Liszt, the -Orpheus of the last century, never had any success in England. He ought -to have called himself Franzescowitch Lisztobulszky, and then, no -doubt, he would have scored heavily. Rubinstein had indeed much success -in England, but it is patent that most English took his official name -as a mere abbreviation of Ruben Ishnajewich Stonehammercrushowsky. -The English taste in music is remarkable; it is somewhat like their -taste in fruit. They prefer hothouse grapes to natural ones. In the -same way they prefer the piano music of Mendelmeier, called Bartholdy, -to that of Stephen Heller or Volkmann. What they more particularly -like are the 'Songs without Words' of that composer, which in reality -are _Words without Songs_. His piano music is nothing but congealed -respectability, or frozen _shockingitis_." - -Aristoxenus, interrupting Alcibiades, exclaimed: "Do not, O son of -Clinias, forget the man's marvellous compositions for the violin as -well as for the orchestra. Diana frequently commands his _Midsummer -Night's Dream_ when she dwells with her nymphs in the mystic forest -near Farnham Common, where Bartholdy composed it under the trees of -Canute." - -"You are quite right, O master of all Harmony, and I want to speak -only of his piano music. The pianist at the concert had a very fine -profile and beautiful hair. This helped him very much in a country -where the sense of stylishness is exceedingly acute. A coachman must -have a broad back; a pianist, a fine profile; a violinist, long legs; -a 'cellist, beautiful hands; and a lady singer, a vast promontory. -Once these indispensable qualities are given, his or her music is -practically a matter of indifference. - -"The pianist then performing played well, as long as he played _forte_ -and _staccato_; but he had neither a _legato_ nor, what was fatal, a -_piano_, let alone a _pianissimo_. Fortunately his sense of rhythm was -very well developed; otherwise he did not rise above a first prizeman -of a conservatory. - -"He played a transcription or two by Liszt. This the English condemn; -it appears unlegitimate to them. To please them, one must play one -of the last sonatas of Beethoven, preferably those composed after -his death, that is, those that the man wrote when he had long lost -the power of moulding his ideas in the cast of a sonata, and when -his vitality had been ebbing away for years. A transcription stands -to the original as does an engraving of an oil-colour picture or a -statue to its original. Most people will enjoy a fine engraving of -the _Transfiguration_ or of Our Lady of Milo much more readily than -they would the original; just as I now know that you gave us, O Zeus, -great artists like Scopas, Praxiteles, Lionardo, or Domenichino, -because we could not bear, nor comprehend the sight of the originals -of their divine art, as long as we still move in our mortal coil. The -transcription of some of the ideas of Mozart's _Don Juan_ by Liszt is -the best and most illuminating commentary on that incomparable opera. - -"More interesting than the play were the remarks which I overheard -from among the public. The men dwelt exclusively on the big sums of -money the pianist made by his 1526 recitals in 2000 towns of the -United States. The profits they credited him with ranged from £15,000 -to £100,000. A Viennese banker present drily remarked that he wished -he could play the difference between the real and the imagined profits -of the virtuoso on a fine Erard piano. The women made quite different -remarks. Said one: - -"'Herr Pianoforterewsky has been painted by royalty.' - -"'Is that so?' said her neighbour. 'What an interesting face! I wish I -could procure a photo of the picture.' - -"'Do you know,' said a third, 'that Herr Pinaforewsky practises -twenty-three hours a day? I know it on the best authority; his tuner -told me so.' - -"'Which tuner? Herr Pinacothekowsky, my dear, has three tuners: one for -the high notes, the second for the middle ones, and the third for the -low notes.' - -"'How interesting! But suppose one of the tuners falls ill. What does -he do then?' - -"'Why, it's simple enough. In that case he only plays pieces requiring -two of the three ranges of notes.' - -"'How intensely interesting! But pray, if you do not take it amiss, my -dear, I learnt that Herr Pedalewsky has only two tuners: one for the -black keys, the other for the white ones.' - -"'My dear, that was so in bygone times when he played sometimes a whole -concert on the black keys alone, being 231 variations on Chopin's -_Etude_ on the black keys. But it made such a sad impression that some -nasty critics said his piano was in mourning black; other critics said -that he was paid to do so by Mr Jay of Regent Street.' - -"'How excruciatingly interesting! Do you know, my dear, I was told -that Herr Polonorusky plays practically all the time, and even when -he travels he carries with him a dumb piano on which he practises -incessantly.' - -"'How touching! I have heard that too, and believed it, until that -atrocious man who writes for the _Bad Times_ destroyed all my -illusions. He said that if Herr Pantyrewsky did that, he would for ever -spoil his touch. Just fancy that! It is not the touch, but the pose of -that languid, Chopinesque profile over a dumb piano in a rattling car -that was so interesting. And now that horrid journalist spoils it all. -Nay, he added that the whole story was deliberately invented by the -artist's manager.' - -"'How distressingly interesting! You know, my dear, I will not believe -the story about the manager. I know too much about the wonderful -pianist. I have learnt at Marienbad that he had ten teachers at a time, -one for each of his fingers, and that for five years he lived in a tiny -village in Bavaria, because, don't you see, it was so central for the -ten different cities where his teachers lived. For the thumb he rushed -off to Frankfort on the Maine. There is no town like Frankfort for the -study of the thumb. That's why they make such excellent sausages there -which resemble a thumb to perfection. For the index he went to Rome. -And so forth and so on. It is most marvellous.' - -"All during that time," Alcibiades continued, "the pianist was playing -the moonlight sonata of Beethoven. At the end of the piece, the ladies -who had carried on the lively conversation applauded wildly. 'Was -it not marvellous?' said one to the other. 'Oh--delightful!' was the -answer. - -"So ended the concert. On leaving my seat I met Mrs Blazing. - -"'_O mon cher_,' she said, 'why do all these women pretend to enjoy -music? They very well know that not one of them cares for it in the -least. I frankly admit that music to me is the anarchy of air, the -French Revolution of sounds, acoustic bankruptcy. All our lives we have -been taught to suppress our emotions, and to consider it ungenteel -to express them in any way whatever. We were told that we must hide -and suppress them--which we have done so successfully that after some -time we resemble to a nicety the famous safe of Madame Humbert. And -then, in flagrant contradiction to all this genteel education, we are -supposed to accept with joy the moanings, cries, sobs, sighs, and other -unsuppressed emotions of some middle-class Dutchman or Teuton dished up -to us in the form of a sonata. It is too absurd for words. - -"'If that lower-middle-class Dutchman Beethoven (or as my Cynthia -calls him: "_Bête au vent_") wants to exhale his moral distress and -sentimental indigestion, let him do so by all means, but in a lonely -room. Why does he interfere with the even tenor of our well-varnished -life? If my charming Japanese china figures, or my pretty girls and -shepherds in _vieux Saxe_ suddenly began to roar out their sentiments, -I should have them destroyed or sold without any further ado. Why -should I accept such roarings from an ugly, beer-drinking, unmannered -Teuton? Why, I ask you?' - -"'Music is the art of poor nations and poor classes. Outside a few -Jews, no great musician came from among the rich classes; and Jews -are socially impoverished. I can understand the attraction of ditties -nursed in the music halls. They fan one with a gentle breeze of -light tones, and here and there tickle a nerve or two. But what on -earth shall we do with such _plesiosauri_ as the monsters they call -symphonies, in which fifty or sixty instruments go amuck in fifty -different ways? The flute tries to serpentine round the bassoon in -order to instil in it drops of deadly poison; the violins gallop -recklessly _à la_ Mazeppa against and over the violas and 'celli, while -the brass darts forth glowing bombs falling with cruelty into the -finest flower-beds of oboes and harps. It is simply the hoax of the -century. Would you at Athens ever have endured such a pandemonium?' - -"'You are quite right, _ma très charmante dame_,' I said, 'we never -had such music and we should have little cared for it. Our way of -making symphonies was to write epics, crowded with persons, divine and -human, and with events and incidents of all colours and shades. The -Continental nations have lost the epic creativeness proper, and must -therefore write epics in sound. Just as your languages do not allow you -to write very strictly metred poetry such as we have written without -impairing the fire and glamour of poetry, and the only way left for you -of imitating the severe metres of Archilochus, Alcæus or Sappho is in -the form of musical canons, fugues, or other counterpointed music. It -seems to me that you English have not done much by way of music epics, -because, like ourselves, you were busily engaged in writing epics of -quite a different kind: the epic of your Empire. The nations that have -written musical epics, did do so at a time when these were the only -epics they could write,--the symphony of Empire being refused them.' - -"'I see,' said Mrs Blazing. 'You mean to say that our Mozarts and -Beethovens are Lord Chatham, Clive, Nelson and Wellington?' - -"'In a manner, yes. Few nations, if any, can excel both in arts and in -Empire-making, and had you English been able to hold in your imperial -power considerable parts of Europe, say, of France, Germany or Spain, -you would never have had either Walter Scott or Byron, Shelley or -Tennyson. For the efforts required to conquer and hold European -territory would have taxed all your strength so severely that no -resources would have been left for conquests in the realm of the arts -and literature. - -"'This is why the Romans, who conquered, not coloured races, but the -mightiest white nations, could never write either great epics or great -dramas. They wrote only one epic, one drama of first and to this day -unparalleled magnitude: the Roman Empire. I meant to do a similar thing -for Athens, but I failed. I now know why. My real enemies were not in -the camp of my political adversaries, but in the theatre of Dionysus -and in the schools of the philosophers. Do not, therefore, _ma chère -amie_, begrudge the Germans their great musicians. They are really very -great, and not even your greatest minds surpass, perhaps do not even -equal them. Your consolation may be in this, that the Germans too will -soon cease writing music worth the hearing. They now want to write -quite different epics. And no nation can write two sorts of epics at a -time.' - -"'I am so glad to hear you say so,' said Mrs Blazing. 'It relieves me -of a _corvée_ that I hitherto considered to be a patriotic duty. I -mean, I will henceforth never attend the representations of the new -school of _soi-disant_ English music. Inwardly I never liked it; it -always appeared to me like an Englishwoman who tries to imitate the -_grâce_ and _verve_ of a Parisian woman, with all her easy gestures, -vivacious conversation, and delicate coquetry. It will not do. - -"'We English women do not shine in movement; our sphere is repose. We -may be troublesome, but never _troublante_. - -"'Even so is English academic music. And I now see why it must be so. -It is not in us, because another force takes its place. Like all people -we like to shine in that wherein we are most deficient, and the other -day I was present at a scene that could hardly be more painful. At the -house of a rich and highly distinguished city man I met the famous Sir -Somebody Hangar, the composer. The question arose who was the greatest -musician? Thereupon Sir Somebody, looking up to the beautiful ceiling -of the room, exclaimed dreamily: "Music is of _very_ recent origin...." -One of the gentlemen present then asked Sir Somebody whether he had -ever heard the reply given to that question by the great Gounod? Sir -Somebody contemptuously uttered: "Gounod? It is not worth hearing." I -was indignant, and pointedly asked the gentleman to tell us Gounod's -reply. The gentleman, looking at Sir Somebody with a curious smile, -related: - -"'Gounod, on being asked who in his opinion was the greatest musician, -said: "When I was a boy of twenty, I said: _moi_. Ten years later I -said: _moi et Mozart_. Again ten years later I said: _Mozart et moi_. -And now I say: _Mozart_."' - -"This reply," said Alcibiades, "has Attic perfume in it. Having -suffered so much, as I have, at the hands of musicians in my time, when -dramatic writers were as much musicians as dramatists, I have in my -Olympian leisure carefully inquired into the real causes of the rise of -modern music. - -"'You said a few moments ago, _ma très spirituelle dame_, that -music is the art of poor classes. There is this much truth in that, -that modern music has indeed been almost entirely in the hands of -middle-class people. This being so, everything depends on the nature -and dispositions of the middle class in a given country. In England, -for instance, the middle class is totally different from that of -France or that of South Germany, the home of German music. The English -middle class is cold, dry, _gaffeur_ to the extreme, afflicted with a -veritable rage for outward respectability, unsufferably formalist, and -deeply convinced of its social inferiority. In such a class nothing -remotely resembling German or French music can ever possibly arise. -Such a class furnishes excellent business men, and reliable sergeants -to the officers of imperial work. But music can no more grow out of it -than can a rose out of a poker. - -"'This middle class is the result of British Imperialism, and this is -how Imperialism has prevented and will, as long as it lasts, always -prevent the rise of really fine music in the higher sense of the term. -This is also why we Hellenes never achieved greater results in music. -Like the English, or the Americans, we never had a real _bourgeoisie_, -or the only possible foster-earth of great music. However, -_bourgeoisie_ is only a historic phenomenon, one that is destined to -disappear, and with it will disappear all music. Mr Richard Strauss is -singing its dirge.'" - -When Alcibiades had finished his entertaining tale of women and -music in England, the gods and heroes congratulated him warmly, and -Zeus ordered that, under the direction of Mozart, all the nymphs and -goddesses of the forests and seas shall sing one of the motets of Bach. -This they did, and all Venice was filled with the magic songs, which -were as pure as those produced by the nymph Echo in the Baptistry at -Pisa. All the palaces and the churches of Venice seemed to listen with -melancholy pleasure, and St Mark's hesitated to sound the hour lest the -spell should be broken. When the motet was ended, the gods and heroes -rose and disappeared in the heavens. - - - - -THE FIFTH NIGHT - -CÆSAR ON THE HOUSE OF COMMONS - - -On the fifth night the gods and heroes assembled in the city of Rome. -Their meeting-place was the Forum. The eternal city lay dormant -around them, and Zeus, who had for the time recalled into existence -the magnificent temple built in his honour, which used to adorn the -incomparable centre of Roman might and splendour, sat in front of it, -surrounded by the Flamines and the last Pontifex Maximus aided by the -last Vestal Virgins. On the _via sacra_ there was an unending flow of -thronging Romans and Greeks, and Cicero was seen talking with great -animation with Julius Cæsar, while Augustus seemed to chide Tacitus -with mild irony. Cornelius Scipio Africanus was deeply engaged in a -conversation with Pericles, and Marcus Antistius Labeo discussed law -with Plato. From afar the wind brought the sounds of the bells of the -Vatican, at the hearing of which all conversation stopped; and when -a few minutes later a choir intoned a hymn in a neighbouring church, -the Pontifex and the Flamines veiled their heads in dumb resignation, -and the Vestal Virgins looked up to Zeus as if imploring him for help. -A pause followed. But soon the moon rose over the majestic Palatine -hill; the Graces performed a soulful dance, and finally Zeus asked -Caius Julius Cæsar to entertain them with his experiences during his -third travel in England which, as he said, he had, in addition to his -two landings during his mortal life, recently made after nearly two -thousand years. - -Cæsar, standing near the house of the Senate of ancient Rome, thus -addressed the divine Assembly: - -"It is, O Jupiter and all the other gods and heroes, a singular -pleasure and honour to me to address you on a topic so important and -interesting. When I arrived in England for the third time (--I started -from Dunkerque to avoid giving offence to the 112 scholars who have, -each to his complete satisfaction, proved 112 different spots on the -French coast between Boulogne and Calais wherefrom I am supposed to -have started for England in my mortal time--) I was received by no -wilder tribe than a few customs officials, who asked me whether I had -any cigars in my toga. On my denying it, they searched me, and finding -none they let me go. Two hours later I arrived in London, which I found -ugly beyond words. I can understand that you, O Canova, cried on seeing -it. What struck me most was its surprising silence, which contrasted -very strongly with the noise of Rome, or Paris. I mentioned this to a -casual acquaintance, who stared at me in despair, exclaiming: 'Silence, -sir? Why, the noises of London drive half of us to madness. Here, take -that (--he handed me a bunch of printed papers--) read it carefully -and join us.' On looking into the papers I found that they contained -a prospectus of a vast 'Society for the Abatement of Street-Noises in -London.' - -"This made me somewhat thoughtful. It was quite clear to me that the -unattractiveness of London is owing chiefly to its lack of animation, -to its silence. I soon found out that silence is the dominating -institution of that country. To talk is to infringe the principal law -of their language. They want to see their language noiselessly, and -not to hear it. Hence they constantly read printed language on wooden -paper, in a wooden style, on wooden matters. This they call 'the -daily Press.' I met one of the chief writers on their most popular -paper, and he assured me that the editor solemnly warns each of his -contributors not to indulge in any attempt at _esprit_ or brilliancy of -any sort; for, should he do so, the editor would be forced to dismiss -him forthwith. All that the contributor is allowed to do is to make -startling headlines, such as: - - 'Delicious puddings made out of wood.' - - 'New aqueducts full of milk for the people.' - - 'Discovery of wireless telegraphy among the - ancient Egyptians.' - - 'Discovery of the pin-cushion to Cleopatra's - needles.' - - 'Trunk murder: a man assassinates his widow.' - -That same editor, on my asking him why he allowed such crying -stupidities in the headlines, and nothing but the most platitudinous -stuff in the body of the article, gave me the following answer: - -"'My dear sir, our public has nerves but no intellect. Hence we work -for sudden, rapid shocks to their nerves, and no fatigue to their -intellect. They not only do not think; they do not want to think. -They are practically convinced that thinking is the perdition of -all common-sense. Just let me give you an example. There is among -the younger writers one whose mind is singularly suggestive and -nimble. He really has something to say, and can say it well. However, -unfortunately, he says it in what are, apparently, contradictory and -circuitous terms. This my readers cannot grasp; it fatigues them. They -complain of that man's writings as being "heavy," "hard to follow." -This is the consequence of the vogue of music halls. One may say that -the popular University of this country, where the average man gets most -of his ideas from, is the music hall. What, then, can we editors do -better than imitate the style and substance of the music hall? Shocks -to the nerves--and no fatigue to the intellect. _Voilà!_' - - * * * * * - -"On my way home I met Columbus. He told me, and no man ever spoke with -more solid right, that he was the greatest benefactor to England. But -for him, who by discovering the New World placed England in the very -centre of the intelligent and wealthy nations, while formerly England -was somewhere on the 'other end of all the world'; but for him, he -said, England could never have had her unique leverage. 'You, Cæsar,' -he added, 'discovered England, as the Vikings discovered America; I did -not discover it, I made it. But would you believe me that thousands -and thousands of Englishmen have scarcely ever heard my name? They -constantly talk of their race as born to rule. But what would they -have ruled without me? The ponds in Lincolnshire. You wonder at their -tongue-tiedness. I will tell you what it means. The English are neither -talkers nor thinkers; they are almost exclusively men of action; or -used to be. They have no intellectual initiative. They have started -neither the Renascence, nor the Great Discoveries of my time, nor the -Reformation, or the three greatest factors in the formation of modern -Europe. All this was first started by us Italians. We can both talk -and think and create; but we are not good at actions. The English are -good only at action. This is the be-all and end-all of their history. -Have you ever seen their Parliament? Do not omit attending it. You will -there learn something that no other Assembly can teach you. It rarely -contains a great orator, for oratory is of little use in an Assembly -with an iron party discipline, and with members every one of whom is -amenable to no argument that has not had the august privilege of being -born in his own mind. And since his mind brings forth none, he moves in -a vicious circle!' - -"'Would you not,' I asked Columbus, 'accompany me to the House of -Commons?' - -"'Readily,' said the great Genoese. And next day we repaired to the -'first club of the country.' - - * * * * * - -"The hall was curiously unfit for the business of a national Assembly. -It is neither large, nor light enough. The acoustics are fair, but -superfluous. For, who cares very much what any member other than -himself is saying? In the midst there is a porter's lodge, in which -sits a gentleman in the attire of the eighteenth century. This, as -behoves a conservative Roman, did not meet with my disapproval. -The only objection I made was that in my opinion he ought to have -been clothed in all the various costumes in use since Magna Charta. -The English, and the rest of the little ones, in utter contrast to -ourselves, constantly vary their dress. We preferred to vary our inner -selves. - -"The subject of discussion, or rather of a score or so of monologues, -was one of which in my time I have had the amplest experience. They -proposed to give weekly a certain sum of money to anyone of their -citizens who on reaching his seventieth year had arrived at the end -of his financial tether. In my day I had given away millions to -the populace, and my imperial successors had gone even very much -further. The common people was thereby demoralised as is everybody, -even parents, who accepts, year in year out, free gifts from a third -person or his children. Being demoralised, such a recipient of -donations becomes inevitably the most cruel enemy of his donor. Nothing -contributed more to the downfall of Rome. A nation must consist of free -and financially independent citizens, or it loses its most precious -asset. How frequently, O Pericles, have you said to me, how much you -regretted having introduced the same injurious donations into Athens. -But this is the melancholy truth of all history: one learns from -history one thing only, to wit, that no statesman has ever learned -anything from history. - -"In the midst of my sad reflections I could yet not help being amused -by the speech of one member of the governing party, who belonged to -that formidable mixture of faddists, formalists, cocksure-ists, and -moral precisians who have in this country an influence that we should -not have given to the members of the most exalted among the Roman -patricians. Much as they are laughed at, they yet have the power of -striking dread into the public and instilling hesitation into the -feeble nerves of statesmen. The name of the orator in question was, if -I am right, Harold Gox. He said: - -"'Mr Speaker, it is with a satisfaction and self-complacency new even -to me that I beg to submit my remarks on a subject than which there is -no greater one; a subject, sir, that has no predicate except that of -immensity; an immensity, sir, that exceeds infinitude itself; and last -not least, an infinitude vaster than all other infinitudes: a moral -infinity. This country, sir, was built up by morals and righteousness. -Righteousness, I say, sir; and I will repeat it: righteousness. How did -we come by our Empire? By righteousness. How did our colonists occupy -vast continents? By righteousness. What was the guiding principle even -of our national debt? Righteousness, in that we contracted it mainly -by paying the foreigner to help us in beating our immoral enemies. -Righteousness is the A and the Z of our glorious polity. - -"'We cannot help being righteous; it is in us, over us, beside, -beneath, and all through us. We have sometimes tried to be unrighteous; -but, sir, we could not. It is not given to us, and we have only what is -given to us. - -"'Well then, sir, if that be so, as it undoubtedly is, beyond the -shadow of a doubt; then I venture to say that any person that opposes -the present bill of Old Age Pensions cannot but be an enemy of England, -in that he is an enemy of righteousness. - -"'What indeed, sir, can be fairer, juster, and more equitable than that -they who have laboriously saved up a few sovereigns, should share them -with those that have done everything in their power to have none? - -"'Where there is nothing, there is death. Can a country introduce -death as a regular constituent organ of its life? What in that case -would righteousness do? She would blush green with shame, sir. Nothing -would remain for her but to leave this country and to go to Germany or -Turkey. Could we allow such a disaster? Would it not be necessary to -hold or haul her back by ropes, strings, or any other instrument of our -party machinery? - -"'Just, pray, represent to yourself, sir, or to any other person, the -actualities of the case. Here is a man of seventy. It is a noble feat -of honourable perseverance to reach that age. It is, I make bold to -submit, an evident proof of the favour and countenance of The Principle -of All RIGHTEOUSNESS that the man was allowed to proceed so far. - -"'He has worked all such days of his long life as he did not spend in -reverential contemplation of the works of the Almighty. Who can blame -him for that? - -"'I go much further: who can possibly blame him for having focussed his -attention rather on the liquid than on the solid bodies of Creation? - -"'Each man has his own way of saying prayers. - -"'Now, after having thus spent a long life in what has at all times -been considered the essence of life; or as the ancient Romans used to -formulate it, after having acted upon the noble doctrine of _ora et -labora_ (pray and work), he finds himself landed, or rather stranded -in the wilderness of penury. Sir, such a state of things is untenable, -unbearable, and unrighteous. - -"'I know full well that people who have never given righteousness the -slightest chance persist in repeating the old fallacy, that a labourer -ought to save up for a rainy day. But, pray, sir, is it not perfectly -clear that this principle is of Egyptian origin, and comes therefore -from a country where there is no rain? - -"'In England, sir, there are 362 rainy days a year; therefore 3620 -rainy days in ten years, 18,100 rainy days in fifty years. How shall, I -ask you, that unfortunate labourer, or grocer, or author, save up for -18,100 days? That takes a capital of at least £25,000. Well, who has -that capital? No one. The nation alone has it. Ergo, the nation must -pay for the rain. - -"'I have, sir, in my locker a great many shots like the preceding, -but I will, out of modesty, not use them all. I will only dwell on -one point. Sir, our opponents contend that the money needed for Old -Age Pensions is not available unless it be taken from funds much more -necessary for the public welfare. Now I ask, which are those funds? -The answer I receive is that the nation needs more defensive measures -against possible invasions on the part of a Continental power. - -"'Sir, on hearing such nonsense one is painfully reminded of what Lord -Bacon used to say: "_Difficile est satiram non scribere_."' (A voice -from the Irish bench: 'Juvenal, and not Lord Bacon!') 'Well, Lord -Percival, and not Lord Bacon, it amounts to the same. - -"'An invasion? Sir, an invasion? How, for goodness' sake, do our -opponents imagine such a thing to be possible? I know they say that -Lord Roberts has declared an invasion of England a feasible thing. But -has Lord Roberts ever invaded England? How can he know? How can anyone -know? - -"'They refer me to William the Conqueror. But, sir, is it not evident -that William could not have done it had he not been the Conqueror? -Being the Conqueror, he was bound to do it. Is there any such William -amongst the Williams of the day? I looked them all up in the latest -_Who's Who_--but not one of them came up to the requisite conditions.' -(A voice: 'William Whiteley!') 'I hear, sir, the name of William -Whiteley; and I reply that he is now too "Ltd." to undertake such a -grand enterprise. - -"'And more than anything else militating in my favour is the fact that -the Germans do not so much as dream of doing this country the slightest -harm. Look at the relationship between the Kaiser and the King; nephew -and uncle. Who has ever heard that a nephew made war on an uncle? Take -into consideration how the Kaiser behaved when lately visiting England. -Did he not leave huge tips at Windsor? Did he not stroke children's -cheeks? Did he not admire our houses? Who else has ever done that? He -talked English all day long, and during part of the night. He read -the _Daily Telegraph_ and took his tub every morning. Can there be -stronger symptoms of his Anglophile soul? - -"'A few weeks after he left England he went so far in his predilection -of everything English that he even curtailed his moustaches. - -"'His moustaches, sir, these the beacons of the German Empire, the -hirsute hymn of Teutonia, her anchor, her lightning rod, her salvation! - -"'To talk of such a man's hostile intentions against England is to -accuse Dover Cliff, High Cliffe, or Northcliffe, or any other Cliff of -base treachery. No, sir, there is no need of new expenses for defence -on land; and as to the sea, we have only to follow the Chief Admiral's -advice and go to sleep. Our principal force consists of our power to -sleep on land as well as on sea. Once asleep, we can spend nothing. -In that way there remains plenty of money for the Old Age Pensions, -that glorious corrective of misery, that ventilator of property, and -distillator of other men's pockets. I have not a word to add; the -subject itself talks to every person of sense in a thousand tongues.' - -"When the man had ended," Cæsar continued, "I asked one of the -officials whether the orator was the clown of the house. The official -looked daggers at me. He explained in a solemn voice that the orator -was a staunch Liberal and Cobraite. The latter name was, I learnt, -a little mistake in pronunciation; it ought to have been Cobdenite. -Cobden, I was told, was a very great man. He succeeded in passing a -measure which under the circumstances of his time was not altogether -bad, although it drove the people away from the plough to the factories. - -"However, he, like our Gracchi, imagined that what was good for -his time must necessarily be good for all times. On the basis of a -complete ignorance of the Continent, that is, of the Power that has -always been and always will be the real regulator of the fundamental -policy of England, Cobden thought he had got hold of an absolute truth, -instead of a merely passing and temporary measure. Like all nations -that have never gone through social and political cataclysms and are -necessarily highly conservative, the English are totally lacking in -historic perspective. Men of the class of Cobden, or such as the orator -I had heard, are like their most renowned thinker, Herbert Spencer, -absolutely devoid of historic thinking. They think in categories of -quantity and matter; never in quality made by history. - -"Columbus, who was with me, said: - -"'You need not be unusually excited over what you see. Each nation cuts -a different caper to the riddles and problems of life. The French, who -used to be _des hommes_, while at present alas! they are only _des -omelettes_, were in their prime of an aggressive attitude to all that -touched them; the Germans were of an idealising temper, while their -present mood is rather a tampering ideal; the Americans are full of -the exploiting fever; and the English invariably take up a posture of -expectativeness. - -"'They pretend to believe what the Spartan King Archidamus always -said: "One cannot by reasoning disentangle the future." This attitude -pays the English best. First they let it be proved by the Spanish, -Portuguese, Dutch, and more particularly by the French that India can -be conquered, and then--they take it. Even so with Egypt, Canada, the -West Indies, and South Africa. Expectativeness is their motto. - -"'When I came to England trying to persuade them to help me in the -discovery of America, they acted the wise Archidamus, and would not -give me linen for one sail. When I had discovered it, then they took -as much of it, and more than they could swallow. This method of -expectativeness has had much historic quality, to use your words, O -Cæsar, for a time. But I am afraid it is beginning to be worn out. - -"'I for one know (and have you, and Pericles, and Joan of Arc, and -Napoleon, and so many others not told me the same thing when we used to -meet, at the wish of Joan, at Rheims Cathedral?), I for one know what -these little ones do not even dream of, so infatuated are they with the -power of Reason and Science and similar machinery, namely, that our -force to forefeel things of the future is far greater, at least in some -of us, than our capacity to analyse or comprehend things of the present -or the past. Our whole being is not so much an upshot of the past as -a projection of the future. Hence the astounding assurance with which -all of us now assembled in Olympus felt in advance what later on we -actually did carry out. I should have discovered America had it never -existed; as I actually discovered it thinking that I discovered the -eastern side of Asia.' - -"I very well see," said Cæsar, "what you mean. The English have no -forefeeling of things to come. They do not note that their whole -situation in historic space has in the last generation completely -changed, and that therefore their old method of expectativeness, which -lived mainly on the blunders of other nations, has become quite -obsolete. They are where we were after Zama, after the end of the -Second Punic War, or the end of the third century B.C., as they say. -So they are at the end of their second Hundred Years' War with France. -But while we distinctly felt that after the Carthaginians, whom we -had defeated, we were inevitably compelled to reduce the Macedonians, -and not shrinking from our heavy task we did defeat them, though with -tremendous effort; the English do shrink from doing what the uncommon -sense of the future as well as the common sense of the present but too -clearly tell them to do. - -"The blunder of France and Spain which was the chief ally of England in -former times, I mean, the blunder of these great nations in making war -on England only at times when they had four to ten other wars on hand; -that capital blunder the dominating Power of this moment will never -commit. - -"Germany will not embroil herself in any Continental war while fighting -England. This is indisputable. - -"For the first time in modern times England will be at grips with a -first-class Continental Power which is in a position to concentrate -all her strength on England. This completely novel situation requires -completely novel methods of meeting it. Yet, the average Englishman -is quite unaware of all that. What ruined mighty Macedon? Not the -lack of a powerful army, since our oldest generals, such as Æmilius -Paulus, trembled at the thunderlike onslaught of the famous Macedonian -_phalanx_, or infantry. But instead of joining the Carthaginians -full-heartedly while we smarted under the scourge of Hannibal, they -misread the whole situation and waited, and waited, until--we were able -to concentrate upon them, even to incorporate the best Greek forces in -our armies, and the end was disaster for Macedon. - -"Just listen to the speech now going on. The Leader of the Opposition -is speaking. - - * * * * * - -"'Mr Speaker, I am broadly astonished at the statements of the hon. -member for Alarmville, who has just painted the international horizon -in tints of Indian ink. I cannot imagine where he takes his tints from. -Does he want to pose as a political Tintoretto?' - -"(Much applause--most members send for the _Encyclopædia Imperialis_ to -find out what _Tintoretto_ means.) - -"'The horizon, as everybody knows, is only an imaginary line, and each -man has his own horizon. If therefore the horizon of the hon. member be -as black as jet, I have not much to say against it, and will send him -my condolences. But why should he obtrude his horizon on that of all -the rest of peace-loving humanity? I also have my horizon.' - -"(The hon. member: 'Horizons, if you please.') - -"'Horizons? More than one horizon? Perhaps; it probably needs more than -one to descend to that of the hon. member.' - -"(Opposition members: 'Deucedly clever, by Jove!') - -"'On my horizon I see no cloud, no vapours, no foundations of any -belief in storms or tempests of any kind. What conceivable reason -should the Germans have for attacking us? I fail, I utterly fail to see -it. I know that my adversaries say that whatever reasons Germany may or -may not have to attack us, we, these people say, we have a plethora of -motives to attack them. This point, this argument is so devoid of point -or argument, that I cannot waste the time of the House in refuting -it. It refutes itself. Why should we attack the Germans? Because we -have no reasons to do so. That is all that one can advance. Do we -want their colonies? Why, we are eternally obliged to them for having -taken them and so rid us of a sterile investment. Do we want part -of Germany? Neither parts nor the whole of it. Have we not ceded to -them Heligoland? Sir, it is, as I said, impossible to detect a single -argument in favour of our attacking Germany. The minds that counsel -such a violent measure are influenced by apprehensions arising out of -future developments. They are anticipative souls to whom the secrets -of the future have been revealed by the timorousness of the present. I -respect souls; I respect timorousness; but I refuse to attribute to it -any oracular wisdom. The future is dark, three shades darker than the -present, which is impenetrable enough as it is. - -"'There remains, then, only the other alternative: Germany seriously -means to attack us. Well, sir, let us analyse this statement. What -earthly good would such an attack do to the Germans? I hear they covet -Denmark and Holland, as the natural outlets of their Empire which at -present is like a muffled head; and since England cannot permit their -taking possession of Denmark and Holland, the Germans must fight -England. This argument, sir, lacks all the elements of truth. It lacks -geographical force, historical momentum, political sense. Denmark, we -all know, is quite in the east of Germany between the Elbe river and -the Lake of Baikal.' - -"(Uproarious hilarity in parts of the House. A voice: 'Lake Baikal is -in Siberia!') - -"'I hear, sir, Lake Baikal is in Siberia. As if I had not known it, -sir! I say Baikal as the scientific term of Baltic, which is in reality -Bi-Kalic, or rapidly speaking: Baikal.' - -"(Opposition members: 'Deucedly clever--he got out of _that_ scrape!') - -"'Denmark which, as I said, is in the east of Germany does not muffle -her at all. It is a highly artistic country and in the Bay of Catgut -are fished the best strings for violins.' - -"(A voice: 'Sound of Kattegat!') - -"'I hear, sir, that it is the Sound of Kattegat, but I think every -patriotic Englishman says Catgut. But to return to my argument: the -Germans being very musical, love violins, and consequently love the -Kattegat, as the hon. voice says, and love the Danes. As long as the -Danes give their fine catguts, the Germans will certainly not think of -doing them any harm.' - -"(An angry voice: 'But Denmark is in the north of Germany!') - -"'I hear, sir, that Denmark has moved from her ancient moorings. If -that be so, then I can only conclude that Germany has still less reason -to covet the possession of Denmark. For, is it not clear, or _luce -clarius_, that Denmark is a sort of nightcap to Germany? The Germans -themselves typify their nation as a _Deutscher Michel_ (Teuton Michael) -with a nightcap on his head. Why, this nightcap is Denmark. The Teuton -likes a nightcap.' - -"(General laughter.) - -"'All Teutons do.' - -"(Renewed laughter.) - -"'Need I say more? - -"'And as to Holland, I am bound to say that it passes my comprehension -how anyone can seriously maintain that Germany covets Holland. I hear -that she covets Holland because it is exasperating to a great Power -like Germany that the entire delta of her greatest river, the Rhine, -belongs to a small and hostile Power. It is asked of me, how I, or -for the matter of that any Englishman, would like to see the mouth -of the Thames in the power of the Belgians? Sir, I should not like -to see that, to be sure. But the case is quite different. We English -have no river like the Rhine, which in its upper course gives the -most generous wine, and in its lower course is nothing but a vile -combination of hydrogen and oxygen, commonly called water. If, for -better illustration, the Thames in her upper course gave the finest -whisky----' - -"(Great uproar among two-thirds of the members, all teetotallers.) - -"'Or, I beg your pardon, ginger beer or cyder, we should not greatly -mind to whom the lower course belonged. But, sir, it is a well-known -and a most patriotic fact that the Thames river contains nothing else -than water. Water, sir, is the panacea of this nation!' - -"(Violent applause from two-thirds of the House.) - -"'Yes, the panacea, the salvation, the resurrection, and the -rehabilitation of this country.' - -"(Cries: 'Righteousness!--Righteousness!') - -"'We cannot get enough of it. Water in our throats--in our papers, -books, and speeches. Water in our dramas, novels, drugs; water, -water--three kingdoms for water!' - -"(Wild and frantic applause of the whole House.) - -"'Now, sir, I maintain all this does not hold good with our friends -the Germans. They do drink wine and beer and schnapps. They cannot be -without them. Their Rhine gives them wine in plenty in that part of its -course which belongs to them. What does it, what can it matter to them -to whom the lower part of the Rhine, full of mere water, does or does -not belong?' - -"('Hear! Hear!') - -"'The Germans are a practical nation. Does any person; I say more than -that, _can_ any person say that the Germans will wage a great war in -order to possess themselves of water, when all that time they already -have excellent wine? I could understand, sir, that if the Germans -occupied the watery mouth of the Rhine only, and not its middle and -upper course full of noble wine----' - -"(Several voices: 'Order! Order! Retract noble.') - -"'Well, well, the House will allow me to say "noble" wine, inasmuch as -wine has not only four or fourteen quarters, but innumerable ones.' - -"(Opposition cries: 'Excellent! deucedly clever!') - -"'To return to my argument: I could understand that the Germans, if -they had only the lower course of the Rhine, would forthwith wage war -to acquire the middle and upper course of the river. We learn from -Tacitus that they are a very thirsty nation, and this authentic news -is, as readers of more modern authors tell me, not given the lie by the -contemporary Germans either. But under the existing circumstances the -Rhine--or Hock--argument, meant to prove German hostility, falls into -the water near the Dutch border, wherever that may be. - -"'There is finally, sir, another so-called argument _re_ Holland and -Germany. It is stated that the Germans covet Holland on account of the -Dutch colonies in Asia and South America. These colonies, as everybody -knows, are exiguous.' - -"(An angry voice: 'About 800,000 English square miles.') - -"'I hear, sir, the Dutch colonies are about 800,000 English square -miles. Of course, my information is taken from Tacitus; and no doubt -since his time some additions have been made to the colonial microcosm -of the Dutch. But even if that were so, and if the Dutch actually -possessed 800,000 square miles of colonies, it is quite patent that -these colonies, if not exiguous in extent, are exiguous in value: -otherwise they would long ago have been governed from Downing Street.' - -"(Approving laughter--half of the members smile knowingly, while the -other half pat themselves on the backs of their neighbours.) - -"'Do you mean to tell me that the Germans will wage an immense war for -the sake of what we have not deigned to pick up? They are, I know, past -masters in the use of offals for purposes of food and drink. But surely -in matters of politics they want more than offals. - -"'At the risk of wearying hon. members I should like to add just a -remark or two on another argument of the alarmists. We have seen the -Danish argument; the Hock argument; and the Dutch colonies argument. -There remains one more: the aerial argument. I hear from my valet that -one Chaplin or Zebraline has made a flight or two through the air.' - -"(Voices: 'Zeppelin!') - -"'I hear, sir, his name is Zeppelin; probably an abbreviation of -Mazeppaline, whom Lord Byron has sung so well.' - -"(Opposition members: 'Deucedly clever!') - -"'The flight of Mazeppa has naturally much agitated the Germans, all of -whom can read English. If they could not, what else would they read? I -have never heard of a German literature. - -"'But to resume: the Germans, excited by _Mazeppa_ behold in Herr -Zeppelin an aerial Mazeppa. That is all, as the French say. But, sir, -is it likely that Herr Zeppelin will so perfect his balloon or airship -as to make it available for the transportation of an army corps or -two to England? Suppose he could do so; what would be simpler than to -render his aerial landing in this country impossible? We have simply to -refuse him a patent for the British Empire, and lo! he can never set -foot on the clouds of England. - -"'But the alarmists say that even if Zeppelin's airship could not carry -over whole army corps, they might very well serve for German scouts and -spies, who might explore the secret preparations and defensive measures -made by this country on land. - -"'Well, sir, this apparently strong argument has not an atom of -vitality in it; and for the simplest of reasons too. The Germans might -send their trustiest Zeppelin No. 10 or No. 50, with their best trained -scouts in it. These scouts might pry into anything in the shape of -military preparations in England; but they will never discover anything. - -"'Why, sir, this is why we make no preparations. We do that simply to -nullify any possible Zeppelin.' - -"('Hear! Hear! Deucedly clever.') - -"'Some critics say that we have lost the old bold imperialist spirit. -But, sir, is it not evident that we are to-day of a greater military -spirit than we ever were formerly? Feeble nations, in order to secure -peace, constantly prepare for war; or as the Latin adage holds it: "_Si -vis pacem para bellum_." We, on the other hand, make no preparations -for war, because we are so strong as to consider war or peace with -equal equanimity. To sum up: the aerial argument has no more force in -it than the other arguments of the alarmists. If a modern William the -Conqueror should be able to conquer the air, and by a modern battle of -Hazetings (deucedly clever!) enter the mid-air of this country, he will -find Heroes and not Harolds to contest every square inch of Margate -winds, of Lincolnshire rain, or of London smoke. This country, sir, can -be subjugated neither by land, nor by sea, nor by air. Over these three -elements hovers and reigns supreme the indomitable spirit of the race.' - -"(Tremendous applause.) - - * * * * * - -"When the speech of the Leader of the Opposition was ended, Columbus -turned to me," continued Cæsar, "and said: 'I have no doubt, O Cæsar, -that you are fairly sickened by that speech. But, pray, consider that -every word of it was framed and uttered, not to discuss seriously the -German danger, but to get back into power. The speaker is neither so -ignorant nor so foolish as he appears. He made a special effort to -appear absolutely ignorant of geography, because the party in power has -won great renown by an imposing ignorance in that subject. You must not -smile. I say deliberately, imposing. The English hate geography, maps, -atlases, globes. Even in the examinations for the diplomatic service -they do not admit geography as a subject. - -"'Being convinced of the exclusive importance of their own country, -they are simply bored with geographical considerations of any other -country. Some time ago it occurred that not one member of the House -knew whether British Guiana was an island or a peninsula. Of course, -it is neither. It belongs to the _bon ton_ to be ignorant of all -geography; that is, to treat Germany or Denmark or Russia as if one -spoke of some internal province of the Chinese Empire. For similar -reasons, the speaker affected not to see the slightest danger from -Germany. The party in power was elected by the people mainly on the -ground that with the Goody-Goody ones "in," and the Imperialists "out," -the people were safe not to be embroiled in a European war. In order to -take the wind out of the tattered sail of Pacifism the speaker acted as -if the Germans did not so much as dream of doing England any harm.' - -"All this is most disheartening," said Cæsar. "To treat foreign policy -merely as a card in the little game of electioneering is most injurious -to the interests of a great country. England, like every other country -in Europe, has been made in her Downing Street rather than at the polls -or in Committee-rooms. European currents determine the minor currents -of the home policies of the several countries. You say, and with the -utmost right, O Columbus, that you have given the English their most -powerful leverage. But would you have thought of doing what you did do, -had not a vast event in South-eastern Europe, the coming of the Turk, -driven your countrymen to the discovery of a western route, the eastern -being closed by the Turk? - -"I wish the Parthians in mid-Asia, in my time, had been as strong as -the Turks were in your time. We should have had you while I lived, and -by the discovery of America over fifteen hundred years before you did -discover it, the whole trend of the world's history would have been -different. For you would have given this immense new leverage to the -Roman Empire instead of to little England. It is rather amusing to hear -the English talk of the 'Unspeakable Turk,' a nation to whom they are, -if indirectly, more obliged than to any other nation of the past or -present, excepting the French. - -"The truth is, that no nation makes itself. It is made by itself only -in so far as it reacts against the powerful influence of the others, -its neighbours and their neighbours. If these neighbours are feeble, -and second-rate nations, the reacting nation itself will remain feeble -and second-rate. The greatness of the present Germans is a veritable -godsend to the English, since the decadence of the French. By reacting -against it properly, England will be newly invigorated. - -"The scribblers of the little ones ascribe the downfall of the Empire -which I founded to the rottenness of my Romans. How untrue! My Empire -decayed because, comprising as it did all the then known civilised -nations, it lacked a great adversary by reacting against whom it might -have reinvigorated itself from time to time. They say the Barbarians, -chiefly the Teutons, overpowered us. Alas! I wish they had been much -stronger than they were. They never overpowered us. Had the Greeks and -Macedonians been able to concert great military measures against us, we -should have been forced to give up the fatal idea of an all-compassing -Empire, and should have finally arrived at a fine and vitalising -balance of power in the Mediterranean. - -"The English ought to welcome, although to combat the rise of Germany. -They imagine that their principal force comes from their colonies. It -will come, not from their colonies, which is geographically impossible, -but from their perennial rivalry with great Continental Powers. These -rivalries made England, made her colonies. To give up these rivalries, -to cease combating great Continental Powers, will be the end both of -England and her Empire. In my time I, together with all my friends, -gloried in my long-drawn conquest of Gaul, and my final victory over -the leader of the Gauls, Vercingetorix. I now wish I had been defeated -at Alesia, and a strong and united Gaul had been established under my -unlucky adversary. What inestimable centre of healthy rivalry would -Gaul not have been for us! To try to conquer it was right; to have -definitely deprived it of independence was a disaster. Strifeless bliss -prospers only in Olympus." - - - - -THE SIXTH NIGHT - -APOLLO AND DIONYSUS IN ENGLAND[1] - - -It is many years ago that in the Bodleian at Oxford I was shown into -the beautiful room where John Selden's noble library is placed. It is a -lofty, well-proportioned room, and on the walls are arrayed the silent -legions of the great scholar's books. - -At that time I was still fonder of books than of realities, and with -breathless haste I ran over the title-pages and contents of the grand -folios in over fifteen languages, written by scholars of all the -Western nations and of many an Oriental people. - -Then I paused before the fine oil-painting near the entrance of the -room representing the face and upper body of the scholar-patriot. The -face is singularly, touchingly beautiful. The delicately swung lines of -the lips tell at once, more especially in their discreet corners, of -the deep reticence and subtle tact of the man. No wonder my Lady Kent -loved him. The combination of political power, boundless erudition, and -charming male beauty could not but be pleasing to a knowing woman of -the world. His eyes, big and lustrous, yet veil more than they reveal. -He evidently was a man who saw more than he expressed, and felt more -than he cared to show. Living in the troublous times of James the First -and Charles the First, he worked strenuously for the liberties of -his country, while all the time pouring forth works of the heaviest -erudition on matters of ancient law, religions, and antiquities. - -His printed works are, in keeping with the custom of his day, like -comets: a small kernel of substance, appended to a vast tail of -quotations from thousands of authors. Like the unripe man I was, -I liked the tail more than the kernel. Yet I had been in various -countries and had acquired a little knowledge of substance. - -And as I gazed with loving looks at the mild beauty of the scholar, -I fell slowly into a reverie. I had read him and about him with such -zeal that it seemed to me I knew the man personally. Then also I had -walked over the very streets and in the very halls where he had walked -and talked to Camden, Cotton, Archbishop Ussher, Sir Mathew Hale, Lord -Ellesmere, Coke, Cromwell. It was the period that we, in Hungary, had -been taught to admire most in all English history. - -And there was more particularly one maxim of Selden's, which he -carefully wrote on every one of the books of his library, which had -always impressed me most. - -It ran: "Liberty above everything"; or as he wrote it, in Greek: περἱ -παντὁς τἡν ἑλευθερἱαν. - -Yes, liberty--that is, political liberty--above everything else. I had, -like all people born in the fifties of the last century, believed in -that one idea as one believes in the goodness and necessity of bread -and wine. I could not doubt it; I thought, to doubt it was almost -absurd. And so I had long made up my mind to go one day to Oxford and -to make my reverent bow to the scholar who had adorned the shallowest -book of his vast collection by writing on it the Greek words in praise -of liberty. - -However, before I could carry out my pilgrimage to the Bodleian, I had -been five years in the States. There indeed was plenty of political -liberty, but after a year or so I could not but see that the sacrifices -which the Americans had to make for their political liberty were heavy, -very heavy, not to say crushing. - -And I began to doubt. - -I conceived that it was perhaps not impossible to assume that in -Selden's maxim there were certain "ifs" and certain drawbacks. My soul -darkened; and when finally I arrived at the Bodleian, I went into -Selden's room, and to his portrait, prompted by an unarticulated hope -that in some way or other I might get a solution of the problem from -the man whose maxim I had held in so great esteem for many a long year. - -So I gazed at him, and waited. The room became darker; the evening -shadows began spreading about the shelves. The portrait alone was still -in a frame of strangely white light. It was as if Apollo could not tear -himself away from the face of one who had been his ardent devotee. - -After a while I observed, or thought I did, with a sensation of mingled -horror and delight, that the eyes of the portrait were moving towards -me. I took courage and uttered my wish, and asked Selden outright -whether now, after he had spent centuries in the Elysian fields with -Pericles and Plato, whether he still was of opinion that liberty, -political liberty, is the chief aim of a nation, an aim to be secured -at all prices. - -Thereupon I clearly saw how his eyes deepened, and how the surface of -their silent reserve began to ripple, as it were, and finally a mild -smile went over them like a cloud over a Highland lake. - -That smile sent a shiver through my soul. Selden, too, doubts his -maxim? Can political liberty be bought at too great a price? Are there -goods more valuable than political liberty? - -After I recovered from my first shock, I boldly approached the smiling -portrait, and implored Selden to help me. - -And then, in the silence of the deserted room, I saw how his lips -moved, and I heard English sounds pronounced in a manner considerably -different from what they are to-day. They sounded like the bass notes -of a clarionet, and there was much more rhythm and cadence in them than -one can hear to-day. They were also of exquisite politeness, and the -words were, one imagined, like so many courtiers, hat in hand, bowing -to one another, yet with a ready sword at the side. - -To my request he replied: "If it should fall out to be your fervent -desire to know the clandestine truth of a matter so great and weighty, -I shall, for the love of your devotion, be much pleased to be your -suitor and help. Do not hesitate to follow me." - -With that he stepped out from the frame and stood before me in the -costume of the time of the Cavaliers. He took me by the hand, and in -a way that seemed both natural and supernatural, so strangely did I -feel at that moment, we left unseen and unnoticed the lofty room, and -arrived almost immediately after that at a place in the country that -reminded me of Kenilworth, or some other part of lovely Warwickshire. - -It was night, and a full moon shed her mysteries over trees, valleys, -and mountains. On a lawn, in the midst of a fine wood of alders, Selden -halted. - -There were several persons present. They struck me as being Greeks; -their costume was that of Athenians in the time of Alcibiades. I soon -saw that I was right, for they talked ancient Greek. Selden explained -to me that they had left Elysium for a time, in order to see how the -world beneath was going on. In their travels they had come to England, -and were anxious to meet men of the past as well as men of the present, -and to inquire into the nature and lot of the nation of which they had -heard, by rumour, that it had something of the nature of the Athenians, -much of the character of the Spartans, a good deal of the people of -Syracuse and Tarentum, and also a trait or two of the Romans. - -Of those Greeks I at once recognised Pericles, the son of Xanthippus; -Alcibiades, the son of Clinias; Plato, the son of Ariston; Euripides, -the son of Mnesarchos; moreover, a man evidently an _archon_ or -high official of the oracle of Delphi; and in the retinue I saw -sculpturesque maidens of Sparta and charming women of Argos, set off by -incomparably formed beauties of Thebes, and girls of Tanagra smiling -sweetly with stately daintiness. - -Selden was received by them with hearty friendliness, and conversation -was soon at its best, just as if it had been proceeding in the cool -groves of the Academy at Athens. - -The first to speak was Pericles. He expressed to Selden his great -amazement at the things he had seen in England. - -"Had I not governed the city of holy Athena for thirty years," he -said, "I should be perhaps pleased with what I see in this strange -country. But having been at the head of affairs of a State which in my -time was the foremost of the world; and having always availed myself -of the advice and wisdom of men like Damon, the musician-philosopher, -Anaxagoras, the thinker, Protagoras, the sophist, and last, not least, -Aspasia, my tactful wife and friend, I am at a loss to understand the -polity that you call England. - -"What has struck me most in this country is the sway allowed to what we -used to call Orphic Associations. In Athens we had, in my time, a great -number of private societies the members of which devoted themselves to -the cult of extreme, unnatural, and un-Greek ideas and superstitions. -Thus we had _thiasoi_, as we called them, the members of which were -fanatic vegetarians; others, again, who would not allow their adherents -to partake of a single drop of Chian or any other wine; others, again, -who would under no circumstances put on any woollen shirt or garment. - -"But if any of these Orphic mystagogues had arrogated to themselves the -right of proposing laws in the Public Assembly, or what this nation -calls the Parliament, with a view of converting the whole State of -Athens into an Association of Orphic rites and mysteries, then, I am -sure, my most resolute antagonists would have joined hands with me to -counteract such unholy and scurrilous attempts. - -"I can well understand that the Spartans, who are quite unwilling to -vest any real power whatever in either their kings, their assembly, -their senate, or their minor officials, are consequently compelled -to vest inordinate power in their few Ephors, and in the constantly -practised extreme self-control of each individual Spartan. In a -commonwealth like Sparta, where the commune is allowed very little, -or no, power; where there are neither generals, directors of police, -powerful priests or princes, nor any other incumbents of great coercive -powers; in such a community the individual himself must needs be his -own policeman, his own priest, prince, general, and coercive power. -This he does by being a vegetarian, a strict Puritan, teetotaller, -melancholist, and universal killer of joy." - -Here Pericles was interrupted by the suave voice of Selden, who, in -pure Attic, corroborated the foregoing statements by a reference to the -people called Hebrews in Palestine. "These men," Selden said, "were -practically at all times so fond of liberty that they could not brook -any sort of government in the form of officials, policemen, soldiers, -princes, priests, or lords whatever. In consequence of which they -introduced a system of individual self-control called ritualism, by -means of which each Hebrew tied himself down with a thousand filigree -ties as to eating, drinking, sleeping, merrymaking, and, in short, as -to every act of ordinary life. So that, O Pericles, the Hebrews are -one big Orphic Association of extremists, less formidable than the -Spartans, but essentially similar to them." - -Selden had scarcely finished his remarks, when Alcibiades, encouraged -by a smile from Plato, joined the discussion, and, looking at -Pericles, exclaimed: - -"My revered relative, I have listened to your observations with close -attention; and I have also, in my rambles through this country, met a -great number of men and women. It seems to me that but for their Orphic -Associations, which here some people call Societies of Cranks and -Faddists, the population of this realm would have one civil war after -the other. - -"Surely you all remember how, in my youth, misunderstanding as I did -the Orphic and mystery-craving nature of man, I made fun of it, and -was terribly punished for it at the hands of Hermes, a god far from -being as great as Zeus, Apollo, or Dionysus. Little did I know at that -time that the exuberance of vitality, which I, owing to my wealth and -station in life, could gratify by gorgeous chariot races at Olympia -under the eyes of all the Hellenes, was equally strong, but yet -unsatisfied, in the average and less dowered citizens of my State. - -"My chequered experience has taught me that no sort of people can quite -do without Orphic mysteries, and when I sojourned among the Thracians, -I saw that those barbarians, fully aware of the necessity of Mysteries -and Orphic Trances, had long ago introduced festivals at which their -men and women could give free vent to their subconscious, vague, yet -powerful chthonic craving for impassioned daydreaming and revelry. They -indulge in wild dances on the mountains, at night, invoking the gods -of the nether world, indulging freely in the wildest form of boundless -hilarity, and rivalling in their exuberance the mad sprouting of trees -and herbs in spring. - -"You Laconian maidens, usually so proud and cold and Amazonian, I call -upon you to say whether in your strictly regulated polity of Sparta -you do not, at times, rove in the wildest fashion over the paths, -ravines, and clefts of awful Mount Taygetus, in reckless search of the -joy of frantic vitality which your State ordinarily does not allow -you to indulge in? And you women of Argos, are you too not given to -wild rioting at stated times? Have I not watched you in your religious -revivals of fierce joy?" - -Both the Laconian and Argive women admitted the fact, and one of them -asked: "Do the women of this country not observe similar festivals? I -pity them if they don't." - -And a Theban girl added: "The other day we passed over Snowdon and -other mounts in a beauteous land which they call Wales. It is much -like our own holy Mount Kithæron. Why, then, do the women of this -country not rove, in honour of the god, over the Welsh mountains, -free and unobserved, as we do annually over wild Kithæron? They would -do it gracefully, for I have noticed that they run much better than -they walk, and they would swing the _thyrsus_ in their hand with more -elegance than the sticks they use in their games." - -At that moment there arose from the haze and clouded mystery of the -neighbouring woods a rocket of sounds, sung by female voices and soon -joined in the distance by a chorus of men. The company on the lawn -suddenly stopped talking, and at the bidding of the Delphic archon, -whom they called Trichas, they all went in search of ivy, and, having -found it, wreathed themselves with it. The music, more and more -passionate, came nearer and nearer. - -From my place I could slightly distinguish, in mid-air, a fast -travelling host of women in light dresses, swinging the _thyrsus_, -dancing with utter freedom of beautiful movement, and singing all the -time songs in praise of Dionysus, the god of life and joy. - -Trichas solemnly called upon us to close our eyes, and he intoned a -_pæan_ of strange impressiveness, imploring the god to pardon our -presence and to countenance us hereafter as before. - -But the Laconian, Theban, and Argive maidens left us, and soaring into -air, as it were, joined the host of revelling women. - -After a time the music subsided far away, and nothing could be heard -but the melodious soughing of the wind through the lank alder-trees. - - * * * * * - -Then, at a sign of Trichas, Plato took the word and said: - -"You are aware, my friends, that whatever I have taught in my Athenian -days regarding the punishment of our faults at the hands of the Powers -of the Netherworld, all that has been amply visited upon me in the -shape of commentaries written on my works by learned teachers, after -the fashion of savages who tattoo the beautiful body of a human being. - -"I may therefore say that I have at last come to a state of -purification and castigation which allows one to see things in their -right proportion. Thus, with regard to this curious country in which we -are just at present, I cannot but think that while there is much truth -in what all of you have remarked, yet you do not seem to grasp quite -clearly the essence, or, as we used to say, the οὑσἱα of the whole -problem. - -"This nation, like all of us Hellenes, has many centuries ago made up -its mind to keep its political liberty intact and undiminished. For -that purpose it always tried to limit, and in the last three hundred -years actually succeeded in limiting, or even destroying, most of the -coercive powers of the State, the Church, the nobility, the army. -Selden not improperly compared them to the Jews. And as in the case -of the Jews, so in the case of the English, the lack of the coercive -powers of State, Church, nobility, and army inevitably engendered -coercive powers of an individual or private character. - -"This is called, in a general word, Puritanism. Our Spartans, who -would not tolerate public coercive corporate powers any more than -do the English, were likewise driven into an individual Puritanism, -called their ἁγωγἡ, which likewise consisted of fanatic teetotalism, -_mutisme_, anti-intellectualism, and other common features. - -"This inevitable Puritanism in England assumed formerly what they call -a Biblical form; now it feeds on teetotalism--that is, it has become -liquid Puritanism. I have it on the most unquestionable authority, that -the contemporary Britons are, in point of consumption of spirits and -wine, the most moderate consumers of all the European nations; and the -average French person, for example, drinks 152 times more wine per -annum than the average Englishman. Even in point of beer, the average -Belgian, for instance, drinks twice as much as the average Englishman; -while the average Dane drinks close on five times more spirits than the -average Briton. - -"Yet all these facts will convert no one. For, since the Puritan wants -Puritanism and not facts, he can be impressed only by inducing him to -adopt another sort of Puritanism, but never by facts. - -"Accordingly, they have introduced Christian Science, or one of -the oldest Orphic fallacies, which the Mediæval Germans used to -call 'to pray oneself sound.' They have likewise inaugurated -anti-vivisectionism, vegetarianism, anti-tobacconism, Sabbatarianism, -and a social class system generally, which combines all the features of -all the kinds of Puritanism. - -"We in Athens divided men only on lines of the greater or lesser -political rights we gave them; but we never drew such lines in matters -social and purely human. The freest Athenian readily shook hands with -a _metic_ or denizen; and we ate all that was eatable and good. In -England the higher class looks upon the next lower as the teetotaller -looks upon beer, the vegetarian upon beef, or the Sabbatarian upon what -they call the Continental Sunday. - -"Moreover, there is in England, in addition to the science of zoology -or botany, such as my hearer Aristotle founded it, a social zoology and -botany, treating of such animals and plants as cannot, according to -English class Puritanism, be offered to one's friends at meals. Thus, -mussels and cockles are socially ostracised, except in unrecognisable -form; bread is offered in homoeopathic doses; beer at a banquet is -simply impossible; black radishes, a personal insult. - -"In the same way, streets, squares, halls, theatres, -watering-places--in short, everything in the material universe is -or is not 'class'; that is, it is subject or not subject to social -Puritanism. All this, as in the case of the Hebrews, who have an -infinitely developed ritualism of eatables and drinkables, of things -'pure' or 'impure'; all this, I say, is the inevitable consequence of -the unwillingness of the English to grant any considerable coercive -power to the State, the Church, the nobility, the army, or any other -organised corporate institution. - -"They hate the idea of conscription, because they hate to give power to -the army, and prefer to fall into the snares of faddists. - -"The coercive power which they will not grant in one form, they must -necessarily admit in another form. They destroy Puritanism as wielded -by State or Church, and must therefore, since coercive powers are -always indispensable, accept it as Puritanism of fads. - -"What are the Jews other than a nation of extreme faddists? Being -quite apolitical, as we call it, they must necessarily be extremely -Orphic--that is, extreme Puritans. - -"Political liberty is bought at the expense of social freedom. Nobody -dares to give himself freely and naively; he must needs watch with -sickly self-consciousness over every word or act of his, as a policeman -watches over the traffic of streets. And lest he betray his real -sentiments, he suppresses all gestures, because gestures give one away -at once. One cannot make a gesture of astonishment without being really -astonished at all, and _vice versâ_. - -"And so slowly, by degrees, the whole of the human capital is -repressed, disguised, unhumanised, and, in a word, sacrificed at the -altar of political liberty. - -"The Romans, much wiser than the Spartans, gave immense coercive power -both to corporate bodies, such as the Roman Senate, and to single -officials, such as a Consul, a Censor, a Tribune, or a Prætor. They -therefore did not need any grotesque private coercive institutions or -fads. - -"The English, on the other hand, want to wield such an empire as the -Roman, and yet build up their polity upon the narrow plane of a Spartan -ἁγωγἡ. In this there is an inherent contradiction. They hamper their -best intentions, and must at all times, and against their better -convictions, legislate for faddists, because they lack the courage of -their Imperial mission. - -"Empires want Imperial institutions, that is, such as are richly -endowed in point of political power. Offices ought to be given by -appointment, and not by competitive examinations, if only for five or -ten years. The police ought to have a very much more comprehensive -power, and the schools ought to be subject to a national committee. -Parliament must be Imperial, and not only British. Very much more might -be said about the necessity of rendering this Realm more _apotelestic_, -as we have called it, but I see that Euripides is burning to make his -remarks, and I am sure that he is able to give us the final expression -of the whole difficulty in a manner that none of us can rival." - - * * * * * - -Thereupon Euripides addressed the company as follows: - -"For many, many a year I have observed and studied the most -life-endowed commonwealth that the world has ever seen, Athens. I -watched the Athenians in their homes, in the market-place, in the law -courts, in peace and war, in the theatre and in the temple, at the holy -places of Eleusis and Delphi, their men as well as their women. - -"Personally I long inclined towards a view of the world almost -exclusively influenced by Apollo. I thought that as the sun is -evidently the great life-giver of all existence, so light, reason, -system, liberty, and consummately devised measures constitute the -highest wisdom of the community. - -"In all I wrote or said I worked for the great god of Light, and -Reason, and Progress. I could not find words and phrases trenchant -enough to express my disdain for sentiments and ideas discountenanced -by Apollo. I persecuted and fiercely attacked all those dark, chthonic, -and mysterious passions of which man is replete to overflowing. I hated -Imperialism, I adored Liberty; I extolled Philosophy, and execrated -Orphic ideas. - -"But at last, when I had gone through the fearful experiences of the -Peloponnesian War, with all its supreme glories and its unrelieved -shames, I learned to think otherwise. I learned to see that as man -has two souls in his breast, one celestial or Apollinic, the other -terrestrial or Dionysiac, so there are two gods, and not one, that -govern this sub-lunar world. - -"The two are Apollo and Dionysus. - -"One rules the world of light, of political power, of scientific -reason, and of harmonious muses. The other is the god of unreason, of -passion, and wild enthusiasm, of that unwieldy Heart of ours which is -fuller of monsters, and also of precious pearls, than is the wide ocean. - -"Unless in a given commonwealth the legislator wisely provides for the -cult of both gods, in an orderly and public fashion, Dionysus or Apollo -will take fearful revenge for the neglect they suffer at the hands of -short-sighted statesmen and impudent unbelievers. - -"In the course of our Great War we have come into contact and -conflict with many a non-Greek nation, or people whom we rightly term -Barbarians. For while some of them sedulously, perhaps over-zealously, -worship Dionysus, they all ignore or scorn Apollo. The consequence is -that the great god blinds them to their own advantages, robs them of -light and moderation, and they prosper enduringly neither as builders -of States nor as private citizens in their towns. - -"For Apollo, like all the gods, is a severe god, and his bow he uses as -unerringly as his lyre. - -"It is even so with Dionysus. - -"The nation that affects to despise him, speedily falls a wretched -victim to his awful revenge. Instead of worshipping him openly and -in public fashion, such a nation falls into grotesque and absurd -eccentricities, that readily degenerate into poisonous vices, -infesting every organ of the body politic and depriving social -intercourse of all its charms. The Spartans, although they allowed -their women a temporary cult of the god Dionysus, yet did not pay -sufficient attention to him, worshipping mainly Apollo. They had, in -consequence, to do much that tends to de-humanisation, and, while many -admired them, no one loved them. - -"It was this, my late and hard-won insight into the nature of man, -which I wanted to articulate in the strongest fashion imaginable in -my drama called the _Bacchæ_. I see with bitterness how little my -commentators grasped the real mystery of my work. If Dionysus was to me -only the symbol of wine and merrymaking, why should I have indulged in -the gratuitous cruelty of punishing the neglect of Bacchus by the awful -murder of a son-king at the hands of his own frenzied mother-queen? -All my Hellenic sentiment of moderation shudders at such a ghastly -exaggeration. - -"Neither the myth nor my drama refers to wanton, barbarous bloodshed; -and such scholars as assume archaic human sacrifices in honour of -Dionysus, and 'survivals' thereof in Dionysiac rites, ought to be taken -in hand by the god's own Mænads and suffer for their impudence. - -"Human sacrifices indeed, but not such as are made by stabbing people -with knives and bleeding them to physical death. Human sacrifices in -the sense of a terrible loss of human capital, of a de-humanisation -caused by the browbeating of the Heart--this and nothing else was the -meaning of my drama. - -"And what country is a fuller commentary on the truth of my _Bacchæ_ -than England? - -"Here is a country that, had Dionysus been properly worshipped by its -people, might be the happiest, brightest of all nations, a model for -all others, and living like the gods in perpetual bliss--that is, -in perfect equilibrium of thought and action, reason and sentiment, -beauty and moderation. They have done much and successfully for Pythian -Apollo; they have established a solid fabric of Liberty and Imperial -Power; various intellectual pursuits they have cultivated with glory; -and in their pæans to Apollo they have shown exquisite beauties of -expression and feeling. - -"But Dionysus they persistently want to neglect, to discredit, to oust. - -"Instead of bowing humbly and openly to the god of enthusiasm, of -unreasoned lilt of sentiment and passion, and of the intense delight -in all that lives and throbs and vibrates with pleasure and joy; they -affect to suppress sentiments, to rein in all pleasures, and to cast a -slur on joy. - -"And then the god, seeing the scorn with which they treat him, avenges -himself, and blinds and maddens them, as he did King Pentheus of -Thebes, King Perseus of Argos, the daughters of Minyas of Orchomenos, -Proitos of Tiryns, and so many others. The god Dionysus puts into their -hearts absurd thoughts and fantastic prejudices, and some of them spend -millions of money a year to stop the use of the Bacchic gifts in a -country which has long been the least drinking country in the white -world, and as a matter of fact drinks far too little good and noble -wine. - -"Others again are made by angry Dionysus to μαἱνεσθαι or rage by adding -to the 250 unofficial yearly fogs of the country, fifty-two official -ones, which they call Sundays. - -"Again others, instigated by the enraged god Dionysus, drive people -to furor by their intolerable declamations against alleged cruelties -to animals, while they are themselves full of cruel boredom to human -beings. - -"There is, I note with satisfaction, one among them who seems to have -an inkling of the anger of the god, and who has tried to restore, in a -fashion, the cult of Dionysiac festivals. - -"He calls his Orphic Association the Salvation Army. - -"They imitate not quite unsuccessfully the doings of the legs and feet -of the true worshippers of Dionysus; but the spirit of the true cult is -very far off from them. - -"And so Dionysus, ignored and looked down upon by the people of this -country, avenges himself in a manner the upshot and sum of which is not -inadequately represented in my _Bacchæ_. - -"And yet the example of the Hellas of Hellas, or of the town of Athens, -which all of them study in their schools, might have taught them better -things. - -"When, by about the eighth or seventh century B.C. (as they say), the -cult of Dionysus began to spread in Greece, the various States opposed -it at first with all their power. All these States were Apollinic -contrivances. They were ordered by reasoned constitutions, generally by -one man. In them everything was deliberately arranged for light, order, -good rhythm, clearness, and system. It was all in honour of Apollo, -the city-builder. Naturally the leaders of those States hated Dionysus. - -"However, they were soon convinced of the might of the new god, and, -instead of scorning, defying or neglecting him, the wise men at the -head of affairs resolved to adopt him officially. In this they followed -(O Trichas, did they not?) the example of Delphi, which, although -formerly purely Apollinic, now readily opened its holy halls to the new -god Dionysus, so that ever after Delphi was as much Dionysiac as it was -Apollinic. - -"At Athens they honoured the new god so deeply and fully that, not -content with the ordinary rural sports and processions given in his -honour, the Athenians created the great Tragedy and Comedy as a fit -cult of the mighty god. The Athenians were paid to go to those wondrous -plays, where their Dionysiac soul could and did find ample food, -and was thereby purged and purified, or, in other words, prevented -from falling into the snares of silly faddists of religious or other -impostures. But for those Dionysiac festivals in addition to the cult -of Apollo, the Greeks would have become the Chinese of Europe. - -"Why, then, do not the English do likewise? Why do they not build a -mighty, State-kept theatre, or several of them? Why does their State -try to pension decrepit persons, and not rather help to balance young -minds? Why have they no public _agones_ or competitions in singing, -reciting, and dancing? They do officially, next to nothing for music; -and if one of their _strategi_ or ministers was known to be a good -pianist or violinist, as they call their instruments, they would scorn -him as unworthy of his post. Yet few of such _strategi_ are the equals -of Epaminondas, who excelled both in dancing and playing our harp. - -"But while they ignore music--that is, Dionysus' chief gift--they -crouch before the unharmonious clamour of any wretched Orphic -teetotaller, vegetarian, or Sabbatarian. - -"This is how Dionysus avenges himself. - -"I see how uneasy they are with regard to the great might of the -Germans. Why, then, do they not learn to respect Dionysus, who was the -chief help to the powerful consolidation of the German Empire? German -music kept North and South Germans intimately together; it saved them -from wasting untold sums of money, of time, of force, on arid fads; it -paved the way to political intimacy. - -"Had the English not neglected Dionysus, had they sung in his honour -those soul-attaching songs which once learned in youth can never be -forgotten, they might have retained the millions of Irishmen, who have -left their shores, by the heart-melting charm of a common music. From -the lack of such a delicate but enduring tie, the Irish had to be held -by sterile political measures only. - -"In music there is infinitely more than a mere tinkling of rhythm; -there is Dionysus in it. Their teachers of politics sneer at Aristotle -because he treats solemnly of music in his 'Politics.' But Aristotle -told me himself that he sneers at them, seeing what absurd socialistic -schemes they discuss because they do not want to steady the souls of -their people by a proper cult of Dionysus. - -"Socialism is doomed to the fate of Pentheus at the terrible hands of -Dionysus. Socialism despises Dionysus; the god will speedily drive it -to madness. - -"See, friends, we must leave--yonder Apollo is rising; he wants to join -Dionysus, who passed us a little while ago. Should both stay in this -country, and should they both be properly worshipped, we might from -time to time come back again. At present I propose to leave forthwith -for the Castalian springs." - -FOOTNOTES: - -[Footnote 1: Reprinted, with permission, from the _Nineteenth Century -and After_ for July 1908.] - - - - -THE SEVENTH NIGHT - -SOCRATES, DIOGENES, AND PLATO ON RELIGION - - -During the seventh night the gods and heroes met again at Rome in the -Coliseum. The splendid moon hung deep from the sky like a huge lantern, -and shed her mild and plaintive rays over all the immense building. -The immortals, in their light dresses and lighter movements, formed a -gorgeous contrast to the sombre stones of the vast edifice. When all -had taken their seats, Zeus rose in all his majesty and spake: - -"Gods and heroes! We have derived much exquisite distraction from the -stories of Alcibiades, Diogenes, Plato, Aristotle, Columbus and Cæsar -about the various features of lay-life in England. If now I call upon -you, Socrates, to tell us something about the religious life of the -English, it is, I need hardly assure you, not in a spirit of mockery -that I do so. What we here think about it all, we know, and need not -utter it. When Athena in her indignation more than once asked me to -hurl my lightning into her former abode at Athens, into the remains of -the Parthenon, I told her something in secret--she knows what,--and did -not touch the holy temple. Even so shall I deal with the temples of -the little ones. We shall listen to you, Socrates, with sympathy and -attention." - -Up rose the sturdy figure of the sage. His features had become even -more illuminated with humanity, and thus more divine, and over his face -erred a mild smile. He spoke as follows: - -"O Zeus and the other gods and heroes! In my mortal time I frequently -listened to the marvellous stories of Herodotus, and while I never -permitted myself to question his honesty, as later on Plutarch did, yet -I could not help doubting some of his tales about the religions of the -various peoples he describes. Had I then known and learnt what I have -learnt since in England, I should not have felt the slightest doubt -regarding his statements. - -"I had been in England for some time before I began to understand -something of their curious religions. For, they have not one religion, -but quite a number of such. At first I thought they had different -religions according to the boundaries of their different counties. I -fancied that such a neat geographical distribution might render the -whole matter more methodic. But I found that that was not the case. -In the same way I tried to find out whether their religions were not -distributed according to their sixty different social classes. This too -did not work. I then tried their professions; after that, their dress; -after that, their income-tax; then, their private games. - -"In that way I finally came to reach the true lines of cleavage between -their numerous religions. For, to put it briefly, their religions are -parallel to and dependent on each man's hobbies. - -"If, for instance, an Englishman dislikes wine, and thus leans towards -Puritanic ideas, he will be much inclined to adopt the religion of one -Calvin, who taught to enjoy life by killing all its joys. - -"Another Englishman, being very partial to tobacco and to smoking, will -have a natural bent towards the High Church, in which much incense is -burnt and much smoke produced. - -"Another, being very methodical and punctilious, will regard Methodism -with much sympathy. - -"A fourth, being afflicted with great susceptibility to moral shocks, -goes among the Quakers. - -"In that way I began to feel my way through the maze of their -religions. The strangest thing, however, was that all these -multifarious believers staunchly maintained that they took their -divergent creeds from one and the same book: from the Bible. In that -respect they reminded me of my whilom adversaries at Athens, the -Sophists, who could prove the pro and con of any given assertion with -equal volubility. - -"In order to imbue myself fully with the spirit of their beliefs, I -frequently went to church on Sundays. - -"To be quite frank, I do not very well see why in England they call -that day a Sunday. There is no sun in it, and otherwise it resembles -night more than anything else. It ought to be called Un-day. I -concluded that everything arranged for that day was done in order to -bring out its resemblance to night ever so strongly. Thus, lest people -should forego sleep on that drowsy day, the people of England have -introduced thousands of soporifics in the shape of sermons. What other -use that drug may have I could never see. - -"To me as an old Hellene it seemed a thing quite beyond comprehension, -why people should go out of their way to salary a person for making -them feel creepy at the same place, and on the same day of the week, -by repeating the same admonitions in nearly the same words hundreds -of times a year. Evidently their lives on the other days of the week -are so spiritless, dull and dry, that they want to get at least on -Sundays some moral hair-friction with spiritual _eau de Cologne_. We -Hellenes never thought of doing such things. It would have struck us as -a personal insult to suppose that we needed such perpetual moralisation -at stated times. - -"Hippocrates told me that some constitutions do need the constant use -of purgative waters. But do all people suffer from ethical constipation? - -"I could not help smiling at the idea of my preaching like that to the -Athenians of my time. They would have handed me the goblet with hemlock -long before they did do it. Each householder would have considered my -pretensions to moralise them as a slander on his private life. Each of -them tried to make his own house a chapel full of constantly practised -piety, dutifulness, and humanity. What need had he of my sermons? When -he joined the great festivals of the city, it was to do his duty by the -other Athenians, just as he joined the army on land, or the navy on -sea, for the same purpose. - -"We knew of no dogmas. We did not think that a man need stake all his -soul on the belief in certain abstract dogmas. If he did not feel -inclined to linger on one story told of Zeus, he might lovingly dwell -on any other of the numberless stories told of him. If some said that -Zeus was born in Crete, others maintained that he was born elsewhere. -It seemed to us immaterial whether this fact or that was or was not -historically exact. - -"Not so the little ones. For them religion is viewed as a matter of -documentary evidence, like a bill of sale. They constantly clamour -for 'evidence,' 'proofs' and 'verifications.' Their theologians are -solicitors and barristers, but not religious men. If I had asked -Pericles for 'evidences' of the religious cult practised by his family -or _gens_, the Alcmæonidæ, he would have indignantly told his slaves -to put me out of the house, just as if I had asked him to give me -'evidences' of his wife's virtue. - -"We held that Religion is not a matter of 'evidences,' any more than -Life, Health, Sleep, or Dreams stand in need of being 'proved' by -'evidences.' We know that we live, or that we are in good health; we do -not care to listen to long-winded arguments proving it. - -"On my rambles in England I met many a clergyman. I remember one who -occupied a high position at Canterbury, and was a very learned man. -I was rather curious to learn what he thought of the religion of the -Greeks. He treated me to the following remarks: - -"'The Religion of the Greeks? Why, my dear sir, they had none. The -Greeks were pagans, heathens. They believed in all sorts of immoral -stories about immoral gods and goddesses; they were sunk in wholesale -corruption and rottenness. Their vices smelt to heaven. Did ever any -Greek say that he who smiteth you on your left cheek, ought to be -offered your right cheek too?' - -"'No,' I said, continued Socrates, 'we never said that, because we knew -that nobody would ever do it. We did so many noble actions at home -and in war that we never felt the urgency of exaggerating actions in -words, that we never did in fact.' - -"'Is that it?' he answered. 'Do you mean to say that we only say such -things, because we never practise them?' - -"'Precisely,' said I. '"Incapable of the deed, you try to embrace its -shadow, the word," as Democritus said.' - -"'Even if we never practised them, is it not sublime to say them? Is -it not increasing our moral worth when we profess to be gentle and -generous and superhumanly good, not exactly on the day when we make -such professions, but possibly on some subsequent day?' - -"'I am afraid,' said I, 'this we used to call the talk of sycophants -and hypocrites.' - -"'But for my Religion, sir, I should reply in very offensive terms. We -are no hypocrites. We believe what we say, and all that is required is -to believe. We do not trouble about the application of our beliefs, any -more than the mathematician troubles about the practical application of -his theorems.' - -"'This is my very objection to your belief. Religion is not a theorem -but an action, an active sentiment. Our religion was like our language: -all active verbs, all movement and energy, all expression and -sentiment, but no theorems.' - -"'But just look at the superstition and downright fiction in all your -mythology! Who has ever seen Apollo, Dionysus, the Graces, Aphrodite, -or any other of your numberless gods? They are all mere phantasies, -meant to amuse, but not to elevate. They belong to the infancy of the -religious sentiment, and are only a more artistic form of Fetishism.' - -"'I quite believe you,' I said, 'that you never met the Graces, nor -Aphrodite. Perhaps they avoided you as carefully as you did them.' - -"'Sir, this is frivolous. In our Religion there is nothing frivolous. -Allow me to be quite frank with you. It is stated that you confessed to -having felt the touch of some Phryne's beautiful hand on your shoulder -for several days. Sir, this characterises you, and all the heathen -Greeks. My mind staggers at the idea that one of our bishops should -ever confess to such a frivolous sentiment. We too have shoulders; and -there are still alas! Phrynes amongst us. But none of our class would -ever confess to having felt what you admitted to have felt. There you -have precisely the difference between you and us.' - -"'You are ashamed of your humanity, and we were not; this is the whole -difference. We were so full of our humanity, that we humanised even our -gods. You are so ashamed of your humanity, that you de-humanise and -supra-humanise your god.' - -"'Disgraceful, sir, most disgraceful. Our humanity is _in_ God!' - -"'And only in Him; so that none is left in you.' - -"At these words," continued Socrates, "the man left me. - -"A few days later I was at a place which they call Oxford, and where -dwell and teach many of their Sophists. A young man is there taught to -assume that callous look which is very imposing to Hindoos and negroes. -Nothing surprises him, as nothing stirs him, except the latest shape of -a cuff or a collar. He becomes in due time a curious blend of a monk, a -fop, and a pedant. - -"I was led to one of the most renowned of their theologians, whose name -in our language means a coachman. He received me with a curious smile. -Before I could say anything he spoke as follows: - -"'I understand, sir, that you pose as the late Socrates. Well, -well--come, come! I must tell you in confidence that I, being a higher -critic, am a perfect adept in the great science of the vanishing trick. -Suppose you bring forward a famous personage of history, and want him -to disappear. Nothing is easier to me. I ask the man first of all very -simple questions, such as: - -"'Who asked him to exist? - -"'Why did he choose his mother in preference to many other able women? - -"'What made him prefer his father to so many other capable men? - -"'For what reason did he fix his particular place of birth, let alone -the time of the year, month, week and day where and when he was born? - -"'What motive had he in filling the air with his screamings soon after -his birth? - -"'Could he give any satisfactory explanation of his various illnesses -as a child? That is, whether he had measles and whooping-cough out of -malice prepense, out of cussedness, or out of any hopes of receiving -more attention? - -"'When the man cannot satisfactorily answer these clear and positive -questions, I put him down first as a suspect. Then I proceed to further -questions. - -"'If he is said to have won a battle, I ask him why he fought it on -land and not on sea? Or _vice versâ_. - -"'Why he did not, while fighting the battle, accurately determine the -degrees of longitude and latitude of the locality of the battle? - -"'Or why his chief general's name began with an L and not with an S? - -"'If he is said to have been an ancient legislator, I ask him why he -took his laws from his neighbours? - -"'What mode of registration and publication of the law he observed? - -"'Whether the paper of his code was hand-made, or wood-pulp? - -"'Whether the water-marks on it were original or were imitations? - -"'Whether he used ink or paint? - -"'Whether he wrote them standing or sitting? - -"'Whether he used the same pen for writing his nouns and verbs? Or -whether he had different pens for the different parts of speech? - -"'Whether he really knew what a noun was? Whether he liked male -terminations, or preferred to revel in female endings? Whether he was -not prejudiced against pronouns, or felt an idiosyncracy against the -letters b, k, and z? - -"'If the man cannot satisfactorily answer all these pertinent -questions, I declare him to be a fraud. I tell him straight into his -face that he never existed, and then I revile him as a low character -for pretending an existence that is totally unfounded. Now, as to your -case. You say, you are Socrates. Can you answer any of the questions I -enumerated? Let us take the first question: "Who asked you to exist?"' - -"'Athens, I presume,' said Socrates. - -"'Athens? To dispose of this answer, we must first of all see whether -Athens existed. I put it to you, sir, can you prove that Athens -existed?' - -"'I can; for, it still exists.' - -"'Note the glaring fallacy! A thing that now exists, now, that is, on -the brink of the present and the future, can that be said to have _eo -ipso_ existed in the past? I put it to you most seriously, is the brink -of the present, the past? Is the brink of the future, the past? Can, -then, the brink of the present _and_ the future be called the past? -Athens may have existed. That is, a number of houses and streets, once -called Athens, may have existed. But can you say, I put it to you most -mostly, can you say that the houses of Athens asked you to exist? Or -did the streets do so?' - -"'By Athens we mean the Athenians.' - -"'Oh, I see, the Athenians. Who were they? Two-thirds were -foreign slaves; one-fifth were _metiks_, that is, denizens of -foreign extraction. Consequently, two-thirds and one-fifth being -thirteen-fifteenths, the overwhelming majority of the town being -_uitlanders_, you cannot possibly be said to have been asked into -existence by them. Remain two-fifteenths of Athenians proper. Of these -the great majority were your enemies, who drove you into death. Can -they, who furiously clamoured for your death, be said to have violently -wished for your birth? - -"'Remain, therefore, only a handful of Athenians who _may_ have desired -you to exist. How could they give due expression to their wish? In -the Assembly matters were decided by a majority, which they did not -control. In the law courts were hundreds, nay thousands of judges in -each case, of whom, as _per supra_, the great majority were your -enemies, who would have decided against your birth. In the Temples such -decisions were never taken. - -"'The intention of your prenatal friends could thus remain but a mere -private wish of a few citizens, but could not possibly be an inherent -tendency or desire of Athens. _Quod erat demonstrandum._ And since you -have been unable to give a satisfactory answer to the first of the -crucial questions, I put you down as a suspect.' - -"I did not say anything," said Socrates. "I was amazed beyond -expression that such nonsense could be allowed to pose as searching and -'scientific' analysis of facts. But he triumphantly continued: - -"'You say nothing? _Qui tacet consentire videtur_,--silence means -consent. I can see in your face how overawed you are by my sagacity, I -have unmasked you. We unmask everything and anything. We unmask stones, -pyramids, crocodiles, ichneumons, princes, kings, prophets, and heroes. -We strike terror into the common people by our vast erudition and our -penetrating sagacity. - -"'We are the Sherlock Holmes of theology. - -"'We run down any pretender, any scribe, any man who has the impudence -of posing as a somebody. Given that we are not much; how can he be -anything? - -"'If you will stay here for some time, you will soon know a lot about -what did not happen in ancient Israel. - -"'Oxford is the Scotland Yard of all those humbugs that pass by the -name of Abraham, Moses, King David, Samson, the Prophets, and other -impostors. We have pin-pricked them out of existence! - -"'At present we have proved that all the Religion of Israel was stolen -from Babylon. In a few years we shall prove that the Babylonians stole -it all from the Elamites, farther east. This, once well established, -will give us a welcome means of proving that the Elamites stole it -all from the Thibetans; who stole it from the Chinese; who stole it -from the Japanese; who stole it from the Redskins in America; who -stole it from the Yankees; who stole it from Oxford. And so we shall -return to this great University and provide occupation and fame for the -higher critics of the next three hundred years. Where are you now, O -Pseudo-Socrates?' - -"I was unable to say a word for some time. When I collected myself to a -certain extent, I said: - -"'O Sophist, if our Religion in ancient Greece had had no other -advantage than that of saving us from the works of "higher critics," it -has deserved well of us. We were immune from that disease, at any rate. -Dion of Prusa and others wrote declamations against the historicity -of the Trojan War; but nobody took them for more than what they were, -for rhetorical exercises. No Hellene would have paid the slightest -attention, nor accorded the slightest recognition to men like yourself. -The English must be suffering from very ugly religious crochets and -spiritual eczemas, to have recourse to drugs and pills offered by such -medicine-men.' - - * * * * * - -"Other friends in England to whom I expressed my profound aversion to -this puny scepticism in matters of Religion, advised me to attend the -sermons given by a relatively young man with white hair in a temple in -the city. They said that in him and his addresses there was religious -sentiment. I accepted their advice and went repeatedly to hear what was -called _The New Religion_. - -"The young man talked well and impressively. He told them that two and -two made four, and absolutely refused to make five. - -"With much emphasis he declared that he could not believe in miracles, -because of the miraculous way in which they happened. If, he said, a -miracle should happen in an orderly fashion, performed under police -revision, say, in Regent Street in front of Peter Robinson's, the -arrangement and whole sequence of the procedure being duly anticipated -and announced by the _Daily Nail_ or the _Daily X-Rays_, then indeed he -would say: 'O Lord, O Lord, I am convinced.' - -"'But,' the white-haired young man said, 'how can you, the rest of the -world, or anyone else suppose that I could believe a miracle, that -pops in from mid-air, in the most disorderly and unreasonable fashion, -without having given notice either to the police or to the editor of -the _Daily Nail_ or the _Daily X-Rays_? - -"'Such a miracle is a mere vagrant, a loafer, a _déclassé_ or -_déraciné_, as we say in Burmese. It has neither documents to -legitimate itself with, nor any decent social connections. It disturbs -the professor of physics at that great seat of untaught knowledge, the -London University; it annoys all chemists, and confirms my colleagues -in the other pulpits in their preposterous superstitions. - -"'My brethren and _sithren_, I tell you there are no miracles; there -never were any; there never can be any. Just let me tell you an -interesting experience I had the other day with a man who travelled in -the south of France, a country which, but for the fact that England is -good enough to patronise her, would long since have disappeared from -the surface of this or any other planet. - -"'The gentleman in question spoke of Lourdes, and the miracles he had -seen there. I listened for a while with patience; at last I could bear -it no longer, and the following dialogue arose between us: - -"He: '"Lourdes is the most convincing case of the miraculous power of -the true Church." - -"I: '"The true Church is in the city of London, sir, and there is no -miracle going on there whatever." - -"He: '"I completely differ, especially if, for argument's sake, I -accept your statement that the temple in the city is the true Church. -If that be so, then the miracles wrought there are even greater than -those observable at Lourdes." - -"I: '"I thank you for your rapid conversion. I am glad to see that you -feel the power of my Church. This power comes from the great truths I -teach. But as to miracles proper, I must, if reluctantly, decline the -honour. I repeat it, there are no miracles in my Church, neither taught -nor wrought." - -"He: '"Come, come! Not only are there miracles in your Church, but they -are also of the very same type that I noted at Lourdes." - -"I: '"Sir, how can you insult me so gratuitously? Lourdes swarms with -so-called miracles, which are no miracles at all, but only the effects -of auto-hypnotisation. A person who can believe in the healing power of -St ----" - -"He: '"Steady, steady, my dear sir. I do not allude to that healing -power at all. Again, placing myself on your standpoint, I will, for -argument's sake, admit that the waters at Lourdes have no miraculous -healing power owing to the influence of this saint or that. You might -permit me to remark, nevertheless, that it is just as much of a miracle -as when the drugs prescribed by our doctors happen to cure us. For, -what could be more miraculous than that? But this is only by the way. -I allude to quite another miracle, and I can only express my amazement -that you do not guess it more quickly." - -"I: '"I am quite out of touch with miracles." - -"He: '"Bravo! This is precisely what the great Lessing used to say: the -greatest of all miracles is the one that people do not notice as such -at all. Just consider: do you not draw vast masses of people to your -sermons? Have you not persuaded most of them that you have founded a -new Religion? What on earth could be more miraculous than that! - -"'"In your sermons you dance on a thin rope of logic made out of the -guts of a few anæmic cats dropped from the dissecting table of science. -If therefore you had won a reputation as a rope-dancer, one could -readily understand it. But you have won the reputation of a founder -of a new religion, which is to a logical rope what catguts are to a -great violinist. Is that not marvellous? Savonarola would have charged -you, at best, with blacking his shoes, and yet people take you for a -modern Savonarola. Is that not marvellous? Is it anything short of a -miracle? Is not this the very miracle of Lourdes? Hundreds of thousands -of intelligent Frenchmen believe in the healing power of water in -consequence of its canonisation by a saint. Is this not a miracle in -our time?" - -"I: '"If I am to be infinitely less worthy a man than Savonarola -because I believe in the infinity and truth of Science, I gladly forego -the honour. The more light we pour into the human heart, the nobler it -will be." - -"He: '"So you believe that your hearers follow you on account of the -light you give them? Pray, abandon any such idea forthwith. They cling -to you because of your interesting personality, and because you give -satisfaction to their vanity. In persuading them that the life-blood of -the 'old' Religion is mere stale water, they congratulate themselves on -their being intellectually superior to the orthodox believers. - -"'"Is there no one who has the courage to say aloud that the canker -of all Religions in England is their constant toadying to Reason and -Science? The theory of Evolution, first rightly condemned by the -clergy, is now an established costume without which no bishop would -dare to officiate in sermons or books. Naturalists all over the world -lustily attack and combat Evolution; but no English clergyman ventures -to doubt it. He will and must toady to what he thinks is 'Science.' - -"'"Formerly Science was the _ancilla_, or maid of Theology; now -Theology is the mere charwoman of any physiologist or biologist." - -"I: '"And so it shall be. I see, my good man, I must talk to you a -little more plainly. We theologians want nothing but authority. We -have long since learned that this world is governed by authority, and -by nothing else; just as is the next world, if there be any. Now, in -former times Science was not imposing enough. Being, as it was, in -its infancy, it had little authority. So we trampled upon it, and -side-tracked it with disdain. At present, on the other hand, Science -has become quite an influential member of society. It goes on doing -marvellous things and inventing incredible feats of physical, chemical, -or biological triumph. - -"'"What is more natural than that we now not only receive the _homo -novus_, the man of Science, but that we also try to avail ourselves of -the authority his exploits give him? - -"'"Take this nation. It is thoroughly materialist and on its knees -before Science. For the last sixty years Science, and nothing but -physical Science has been knocked into its head. This nation thinks -that any study outside Science proper is pleasant humbugging. They are -completely ignorant of human history. Give us Science! Give us facts, -facts! Of course they say so, because facts save them the trouble of -thinking, and do not allow one to pose as a thinker. - -"'"Facts, scientific facts, that is all that they want. Human thought, -they think, is a physical excretion from the brain, just as tears -are from the lachrymal glands, or other liquids from the kidneys. -Hence, they infer, all that is needed is to study, in a physiological -laboratory, the brain. - -"'"What's the use of literary history, for instance? If you want to -know it, you have only to study the brain which is the cause of at -least some portions of literature. - -"'"What is the use of military history? Study, in a physiological -laboratory, the arm, not arms; since it is the arm that fights. - -"'"What is the use of Sociology, say, the study of the Family? Study, -in a physiological laboratory, the nerves of certain organs which -constitute the true cause of families. And similarly with all other -studies relating to the humanities. Science; it is all a matter of -Science proper." - -"'Under these conditions,' the white-haired one continued, 'what can -we do but take the requisite authority there where we find it best -developed, in Science? Anything that pleases the _grand seigneur_, we -hasten to acquiesce in while shoe-licking him. Science proper, that is, -Physics, Chemistry, and Physiology disavow Imponderables, Tendencies, -Present Projections of the Future, Incomprehensibles, etc., etc.; so do -we. - -"'Science cannot move from certain mathematical principles; speedily we -too cry aloud that we cannot cease hugging these dear principles. - -"'Science can never analyse or reconstrue the mystery of all mysteries: -Personality; at once we novel theologians exclaim, beating our worn -breasts, that Personality is no historic force at all. - -"'Science cannot possibly so much as approach the problem of -creativeness, creation, or origin of life; hence we gallop after it -like newsboys, screaming at the top of our voices: "Latest news! No -creation! No origins! Bill just passed! Enormous majority! One penny! -Latest news!" - -"'Cannot you see that? Can you not grasp that as in Republican -countries we are Republicans, and in Monarchical ones, Monarchists; -even so in an age overawed by the surface-scratchers of physical -Science, we too must feel the itch and scratch away with violence? - -"'We cannot possibly afford to forego the authority at present in -the gift of Science. How could I dare to treat Jesus as one of -those mysterious persons that bring to a head both vast and secular -tendencies of the Past, and Present Projections of an immense Future? -He, I hear from a certain humanist, was the heir of all that marvellous -Power of Personality, called Cephalism, which shaped all classical -antiquity; and at the same time He was the Anticipative Projection of a -vast Future. - -"'Perhaps. - -"'But could any process approved by Science proper be applied to such a -mode of thinking? None. Consequently I am bound to belittle, to ignore -it. - -"'As long as Jesus is not amenable to that mode of biography or to that -kind of reflections which we apply to the life of cockroaches or gnats, -we cannot seriously speak of Him. - -"'Or is not His preaching like the laying of eggs by a bird, out of -which eggs new birds arise in due time? - -"'Is not His Church like the nest of a spotted woodpecker made in the -hollow of some ancient tree? - -"'Are not His apostles like the watch-birds amongst wandering cranes? - -"'If, then, we want to study Him scientifically, we must treat Him -and His exactly as we treat a hoopoe or a jackdaw. Not that we really -know anything about a hoopoe or a jackdaw. But in treating Him in -that fashion we can use all the sounding terms of Science, and thus, -don't you see, secure all the authority of which Science to-day has so -plentiful a share. - -"'I have so far founded the New Religion. But I am not quite satisfied -with it. I feel we need a Newest Religion. Ever since my birth the -world has stepped into a new era. Something has been wrenched from its -former place. I must at once see to it. - -"'Meanwhile I am preparing a Life of Jesus on a truly scientific basis. -The Lives hitherto published are completely out of date. They lack the -true scientific spirit. - -"'My "Life of Jesus" will have three sections. The first will contain -the Antecedents. I will start with the soil, the air, and the waters -of Palestine. I will investigate the influence which the geology of -Palestine had on Jesus; especially, whether the stratification of that -soil does not correspond to the stratification of the mind of Jesus. In -that way I will obtain the precise nomenclature of the various layers -of the intellect, human and Messianic, of Jesus. - -"'Thus, I will determine his palæolithic, neolithic, pliocene, miocene -and other tertiary mental formations. That will be inestimable. - -"'I will then proceed to a close analysis of the air in Palestine, and -try to determine how much argon it contains. This, together with the -jargon talked round Bethlehem, and a close study of the remains of the -King Sargon will give me a solid foundation for my researches into -the feelings of Jesus. I will thus make sure whether these feelings -were subconscious, auto-hypnotic, auto-Röntgenising, æroplanesque, or -zeppelinury. - -"'Should I find some radium in the stones near Bethlehem or Nazareth, -I shall be enabled to account for the precociousness and light-emitting -gift of Jesus. - -"'Once I have thus settled the Antecedents, I will proceed to His life. -In accordance with the method of zoologists and biologists, to whom one -fox is as good as another, and one rabbit as serviceable as another, I -will study the daily life of a modern rabbi in Sichem, or Jerusalem. - -"'I will measure his nose, his lips, the width and height of his mouth -when yawning and when asleep, his weight, his rapidity of walk, the -loudness of his voice, his pulse, his heart, his meals, and his drinks. -This will give me valuable data for the life of Jesus. I will reduce -all these data to finely-drawn statistical tables. - -"'As soon as I shall be in possession of these tables I will attack -the most important part of my work: I will not tire until I discover -the microbe which imparted to all that Jesus said an extraordinary -power of captivation. That microbe, I have no doubt, can be distilled -from a comparative solution of Zoroaster, Buddha, Confucius, Mahomet -and Jesus. I name it _microbus prophetizans Huxleyi_. I shall, I -trust, isolate it and send specimens to the South Kensington Museum, I -will----' - - * * * * * - -"When the white-haired one," said Socrates, "had arrived at that stage -of his wanderings, I left the hall. I felt sea-sick. These little ones -think that they can triangulate the human personality, because they -have triangulated many of their countries. They never consider that -triangulation, and all scientific methods, refer, and can refer only -to quantity or material quality. There is no geometry of love, hatred, -or spiritual power. It is the old error of the Pythagoreans which you, -O Pythagoras, admitted to me after having whiled in Olympus for a few -hundred years. - -"Numbers are not the souls of things. - -"Personality is the soul of things. - -"We humans are pre-eminently creative. Our chief force is not intellect -nor will-power. We are neither Hegelians nor Schopenhauerians. In point -of sagacity many an animal transcends us; and did you not avow to me, O -Leibniz, that the difference between you and a yokel is not so much in -your being more intellectual, or in your having more brain-power, but -in your having more creative power? - -"Intellect, or the force of close thinking, may be found in abundance -in the city of London. Had people devoted as keen an interest to -science or philosophy as city men do to money transactions, we should -be much further than we are. - -"But people differ very much less in power of intellect than in -strength of originality. - -"The great men of Literature or Science or Art are not very much -cleverer in point of intellect than is the rest of the people. They -exceed them in point of originality; that is, they exceed them because -they devote themselves to digging in unbroken ground. It is in this way -they create. - -"It is in this sense that each human is, to a certain extent, new -ground; and consequently, that the Great Humans are absolutely new -phenomena. In other words, they are new creations. They have an X in -them that no x-rays can penetrate into. - -"Science can comprehend averages only. _Nova_ she cannot approach. -This is why Great Humans have invariably been disavowed, rejected, and -pooh-poohed by men of Science. - -"Why has a lily of the valley bell-like blossoms? Science will never -explain it. Those bells are part of the personality of the lily; and -Science can understand it as little as a crofter could understand a -refined Athenian. - -"You may imagine, O gods and heroes, what I felt when I heard so many -clergymen talk so 'scientifically' of The Greatest of Humans, who by -His being so was _eo ipso_ Supra-human too. - -"Science is unable to account for a lily of the valley; and yet shall -Science be able to reconstruct Jesus? - -"I should have shrunk from the task of reconstructing, in the manner of -men of Science, my Phrygian slave. - -"One can re-recreate, as it were, many of the phenomena of Personality, -but not by the methods of Science. Personalities belong to the -Humanities, whose methods are totally different from those of Science -proper. - -"It was said of me that in my mortal time I brought Philosophy from -Heaven to Earth. I wish, O Zeus, you would allow me to mix again with -the people in order to raise their Philosophy from Earth to Heaven." - - * * * * * - -When Socrates had finished, a deep silence fell over the Assembly. -In the divine face of Zeus there was no movement to be noticed, and -not an encouraging word fell from his lips. Suddenly one heard a loud -laughter. Everybody turned towards the place where the laughter came -from, and felt relieved to see that Diogenes was preparing to address -the Assembly. Zeus nodded consent, and the whilom Cynic spake as -follows: - -"Few things have afforded me greater pleasure than your tale, O -Socrates. Verily I believe that your renewed presence among the little -ones is much less needed than is mine. I am the only man that could set -right the wrenched religious fibres of these mannikins and womenfolk. -But for my respect for you and the Assembly, I should have burst into -an unseemly laughter while you were talking of their New Religion, -which is but a resurrection-pie less the resurrection. - -"To talk to them seriously about the incapacity of any physical -Science or its methods to cope with the problems of Religion is to -waste precious time. Let them have their Evolution, Convolution, or -Devolution, by all means. The more they welter in it, the more my -pupils on earth have a welcome chance of success. The official clergy -think wonders of their cleverness in trying to make Religion into a -Centaur, half man, half horse, or half Science and half Belief. While -they are at it, my pupils, infinitely cleverer than all the clergy, -make glorious headway in all directions. - -"Is it not side-splitting to note how these clergymen are unable to see -that the more people learn of Science proper; the more they accustom -their minds to the dry biscuits of scientific methods; the more they -will inwardly long for the drinks of Mysticism? - -"The Roman clergy, trained by two thousand years, knows all that but -too well. - -"Your plain soul, your hard-working, scientifically untutored peasant -or small _bourgeois_ is quite satisfied with a little, hearty Belief, -and is indifferent to Mysticism and religious Extravagancies. It is -your high-strung, modern, scientifically trained mind that impatiently -craves more than sober Science can give it. - -"Just look at the Europoids in the western continent. In the United -States everything is reasoned out, systematised, methodised to a -nicety. Their whole life looks like their towns: regular squares; -straight streets, named after the consecutive numbers; labelled, -docketed, built and shaped according to definite rules. In an American -town nothing surprises one, except that the people themselves do not -have each his respective number painted on his back. - -"As the streets, so are the Constitution, the Schools, the -Territory,--everything is ruled like a sheet of music. In the 250,000 -schools, in the 500,000 Universities, and the 600,000 libraries, all -founded (or confounded?) by a few multis, you hear nothing but Reason, -Reason, Reason. You get Reason boiled, roasted, fried or stewed. You -get it from injectors, from which it will jet out in smaller or larger -jets, so that if it be too much for you, one can, by pulling the piston -backwards, again store it up in the injector. - -"Instead of traditions, unarticulated tendencies, latent -_sous-entendus_, and delicate imponderables, there are only machines, -ledgers, and registers, articulated with a vengeance, cryingly -explicit and loud and indelicate. Everything is bound in the leather -of reasonableness, in the hide of method, and in the wooden boards of -Logic. Instead of on the rich soup of sentiments, men and women in the -States are fed on scientific tabloids containing sentiments reduced -to their ultimate chemical essences. A woman laughs at romance; her -relations to men are 'reasonable.' A child laughs at piety; his or -her relations to parents are tanned by 'sense'! A servant sneers at -loyalty; her relations to the masters are macerated in the vinegar of -'inalienable right of reason.' - -"All this is excellent--for me. For, what happens? - -"The Americans indulging in too many orgies of Reasonableness; the -Americans having thrown over-board all motives of historic truth in -order to live under the banner of reasoned truth only, have long -since become sick of Reason. They resemble a crew on a big ship -that has stored its pantries and larders with nothing else than -meat-extracts and tabloids. That crew, after a month's journey or so, -will unfailingly sink or else eat the most loathsome fish rather than -continue feeding on its scientific food. - -"After all, when all is said and done, the Americans too are humans. -They too want more than tabloids and meat-extracts. Tons of tins will -not replace one fresh cabbage. On this eternal truth my disciples go to -work in the States. - -"Fully aware, as they are, that the Americans must be and are deadly -'tired' of Reason, they hasten to give the people of the States the -most exciting devices of Unreason. One of them invents Mormonism; -the other, Spiritualism; the third, Zionism; the fourth, Oneidaism, -or general Promiscuity; the fifth, Christian Science; the sixth, -Incarnationism; and so forth, and so on, _ad infinitum_. - -"Can my triumph be greater? I will carefully avoid telling them -that by worshipping Apollo extravagantly while neglecting the great -god Dionysus, they have fallen wretched victims to the wrath of the -latter. Just let them go on writing contemptuous reflections on Greek -Mythology, and glory in the 'wonderful century' in which Dionysus -is declared to be a mere myth. As long as they do that, I shall not -lack plenty of successful disciples, and my name will wax greater and -greater, until nobody shall be able to find, even did he use the latest -Edison lamp, a single well-balanced human in all the States. - -"Why, then, take so many English clergymen and their evolutions round -Evolution so gravely, O Socrates? They do what the Americans do: they -overdo Reason. Do let them do it, and do not disturb my circles, as -Archimedes said. I promise you, when next they introduce the 'latest' -evolution, I will invite you to the sight, and you will enjoy the -fun as you have rarely enjoyed anything. I have instructed a new set -of pupils of mine to start _The_ new Religion in England. The 'New -Religion' of a year or so ago is out of fashion. What these decadent -vibrants want is another Religion. I have just received a Marconigram -from below, and am in a position to tell you all about the latest -capers of my pupils. May I do so?" - -Diana and Aphrodite and Pallas Athena at once applauded, and their -silvery laughter was joined by the rest of the gods and heroes. -Dionysus sent two beautiful nymphs to make the resting-place of -Diogenes more comfortable, and to offer him a cup of the wine of Capri, -shining like gold and full of mirth. Diogenes, deeply bowing to the -Great God, and to Zeus, then proceeded: - -"I learn that _The_ Religion now to be started is based on what my -dear disciples have agreed to call _Elysiograms_; a word formed _à la_ -'telegram,' 'marconigram,' and meant to denote messages from Elysium. - -"It is quite evident that a generation of impatient eels such as the -present instalment of the little ones, cannot possibly wait until -after death for news from the other world. The sub-lunar world they -have ransacked and swallowed, hair and flesh, and all. Before, in the -morning, they have quite recovered from their sleep; and before they -have quite finished their nerve-destroying first cup of Ceylon cabbage, -they have, in their 'papers,' learnt all that has been going on in -every quarter of the globe terrestrial. - -"That globe begins to bore them. They must have a daily (or hourly?) -column or two about what is going on in Elysium, let alone in Hades. It -is indispensable for their digestion. - -"Just fancy how very much more easily one could swallow one's lunch -with just a little dose of Hades in it! While one tries to make a -tunnel through the stony meat from Patagonia called Scotch beef, one -would read with grim satisfaction how one's late creditor is maltreated -in the torture-chamber of Hades. Why, one would feel so buoyant that -one would even be able to finish a meal at the Cecil. - -"You said, O Socrates, that their clergy adopt Evolution because of the -authority it gives them. Surely, they can tarry no longer in adopting -the improved means of communication. If Marconi can wire wirelessly to -New York, how can the clergy stay lagging behind? They must needs go -one better, and wire wirelessly to Elysium. Nothing can be plainer. - -"People want it. - -"Soon Messrs Wright will ascend the Rainbow and sit astride on it. Even -before that, Herr Zeppelin will land the first German street-band on -Mars; and, probably, ere that is done, Madame Curie will by means of -a rock of Radium as big as St Paul's illumine and read all the vast -depths of the unexplored Heavens. - -"How, under these circumstances, can the clergy remain behind? It -is unthinkable. Accordingly, it is understood that the _Daily Nail_ -and the _Crony_ will have every day a column called _Elysiograms_. -It will consist of single words, numbers, signs, exclamations, and -pauses, _elysiogrammed_ from over there. Some paragraphs will consist -of commas, colons, semi-colons, and dots only. They will be the most -interesting. These messages will be carefully distinguished from -massages. They will be quite different. They will give the most -astounding news. My principal pupil, Professor Oliver Nodge, just -marconied me the latest _Elysiogram_, which he was fortunate enough to -receive to-day: - - "'Rather hot day to-night.--Feel depressed as if I had exchanged - ideas with Mr H.C.--4, 0,--:!--Place here somewhat out of date.--Do - send me _Times_ more regularly.--Can now see that flannels do not - conduce to health.--Never forget to wind up your watch!--Death is - a mere incident in Life.--If you can avoid it, don't die!--It is a - failure.--34, 56, 78, 90, 12....'" - -When Diogenes had finished reading the _Elysiogram_ of his pupil, even -Hephæstus (Vulcan), otherwise so grave, broke out in a tremendous -laughter which made one of the tiers of the Coliseum shake like an -elm-tree in a gale. - -"I am delighted to see," continued Diogenes, "that my pupils contribute -to your amusement. It is indeed beyond a doubt that without them this -world would be considerably staler and duller than it is. You may -imagine that my pupils will not rest contented with a daily column in a -newspaper. - -"They will found Elysiogram papers of their own; found Elysiogram -Churches; build up Elysiogram congregations; deliver Elysiogram -sermons; in short, they will establish _The New Religion_ -of--_Elysionism_. - -"In this marvellous Religion the believer is given all the shivers, -cardiac vibrations, nervous shocks and prostrate contritions, -pleasantly alternated with ecstatic exuberance, that he may wish for. - -"In that respect it is far superior to any music hall. - -"These funny clergymen rage against the music halls. But why have they -abolished all public, gay, and variegated Church festivals, such as the -Middle Ages had introduced in plenty? The public do want to have their -shocks and shivers. If the Church does not provide some of them, music -halls will. - -"We Hellenes did everything to render Religion attractive and -enjoyable. Our religious processions and public festivals were gorgeous -with colours, fun, art, music, and touching piety. - -"How could any Hellene have felt the need of a modern music hall, this -the last degradation of the human intellect, worse than the Roman -gladiatorial games, worse than the Spanish bull-fights, worse than the -worst of French novels. - -"If, therefore, the clergy will take our New Religion into the least -consideration, they will forthwith see the immense advantages thereof. -In _Elysionism_ the most languorously delicate of the elegant ladies -will at last find what she has all this time been hankering for. - -"In the morning when she gets up between twelve and two o'clock, -she will with religious shivers reach after the Elysiogram press. -With burning eye she will run over the columns in search of the -latest _Elysiogram_. Just think of her excitement on finding, in one -paragraph or another, some indiscretion of one of her departed friends, -male or female, regarding her. Just imagine how she will devoutly -run to the editor of the paper, or to the _Elysiop_, that is, the -chief bishop of the New Religion, offering him £100, £200, nay £500 -for the 'tranquillity' of the poor soul in Elysium from whom came -that disquieting par. The _Elysiop_ will promise to do his best and -will--enter the £500 _pour les frais de l'église_. What a delightfully -exciting experience to have! - -"Later on in the day, the same lady will enjoy the anxiety of a lady -friend of hers who is waiting for an _Elysiogram_ from her husband who -disappeared a few months before without sending his faithful wife the -correct official statement of his departure. What exquisite moments of -nervous expectation to pass! - -"For a few further bank-notes _pour les frais de l'église_, the -liberating _Elysiogram_ appears. - -"Imagine the interest with which sermons delivered by the Elysiop, -Elysiarch, or the Elyseacon, will be attended by the _beau monde_. The -preacher after the customary introduction will pull from his pocket -the latest _Elysiograms_, which are notoriously frequent on Saturdays. -Artistically pausing before he begins reading them out, he will -fill all these vibrants with the most dainty nervous wrenchings and -twistings. - -"Then slowly he will report to them the latest news from Elysium and -Hades. With that justice so characteristic of the Powers of the Other -World, the pleasant news, full of consolation and comfort, is addressed -to such members as have proved zealous in deed and alms to the Church. -On the other hand, members whose zeal left much to be desired, are -treated to news that makes both kinds of their hair stand on end. - -"Where is the music hall or even the theatre that will be in a position -to vie with such a Church in intense attractiveness? Once the classes -as well as the masses are drawn to it, some Oxford or Liverpool -professor will speedily come forward with the new dogmatics of -_Elysionism_; and in less than three years Prof. Harnack of Berlin will -write its history of dogmatics, and publish maps about its geographical -distribution. - -"Amongst the innumerable blessings of this Religion there is one the -value of which cannot be exaggerated, let alone properly estimated. I -mean, of course, its vast resources for healing all diseases. It is -patent that once we stand in continuous and direct communication with -Elysium, we can easily inquire from our departed ones what we ought to -do in case of illness. Since a given individual in Elysium who died -of, say, hay-fever has traversed all its stages, and is naturally -more conversant with it than any terrestrial doctor can ever be, -knowing thereof not only the stages passing on earth but also those -going on beyond the Rainbow; he is in the best of positions to advise -a patient what to do and what not to do. Especially, when one takes -into consideration that according to the most authentic _Elysiograms_, -written by Prof. Nodge's own Elysio-typer, all departed people agree -that hay-fever, appendicitis, pneumonia, etc., are only the _noms de -plume_ of Dr Smith, Dr Jones, Dr Jenkinson, and so on. - -"We shall, accordingly, in any case of illness, simply communicate the -symptoms to Elysium and ask for detailed instructions from such of the -Elysians as have died of that disease. In that way we are sure to heal -all diseases much more rapidly than even Christian Science or Mahometan -Chemistry could do. - -"We shall sell Elysio-pills, with which no Beecham's Pill will be -able to compete; and using the indications we shall receive from over -the Acheron, we shall have _dépôts_ of Elysian Waters triumphing over -Hunyady János, Carlsbad Sprudel, Contrexéville, or Aix-les-Bains. - -"In fact, since the Kaiser is well known to be in close relations -to the Upper World, and an intimate friend of Providence, we shall -arrange through him an Elysian Bath, somewhere near Nauheim. - -"Then our Religion will be complete. - -"It will have its unique Press, its hierarchy, its liturgy, sermons, -pills, waters, and watering-places, let alone its Pleasant Sunday -Afternoons, moral gymnasiums, self-denial weeks, and special wireless -costumes. - -"The extant religions will all disappear; religious unity will reign -over the whole world, and if you, O Zeus, will consent to it, I shall -personally preside at my headquarters in Westbourne Park Chapel." - -The speech of Diogenes was received with hearty applause, and even -stern Demosthenes congratulated him on his idea of offering a really -new shake-up to the tired nerves of the poor human tremolos of Mayfair -and the East End. - -Several of the gods volunteered to send messages for the _Elysian -Times_, and Cæsar proposed that he and Alexander the Great, Pericles, -and other heroes send messages counterdicting the extant Greek and -Roman histories of their exploits, in order to enjoy the huge fun -arising from the confusion amongst scholars. - - * * * * * - -When the hilarity of the Assembly had reached its maximum, Zeus -addressed them as follows: - -"Before, O Friends, we part from here repairing to Olympus, and -eventually to Japan and China, I propose that Plato give us his serious -impression of what turn the next religious phase of the little ones -will take. I entitle him even to say, with due moderation, what turn it -shall take." - -Plato, rising from his seat near Socrates and Aristotle, first bowed -to Zeus, and then to Apollo whom he requested to allow his priests -to intone the sacred hymn of Delphi. That hymn, Plato said, had been -handed down from hoary antiquity, and was the song best fitted to fill -the hearts of men with the sentiment of religion; the Roman Church, -he added, still retained it. Apollo nodded consent, and forthwith the -archons of Delphi, aided by the great choir of the Parthenon, filled -the still night with mighty harmonies. The simple tunes rose into the -heights like columns upon which the singers finally laid down capitals, -architraves and pediments of serene melodies, until all Rome and the -surrounding plains and valleys seemed changed into one vast musical -temple, while the echo of the Albanian Mountains handed the rhythms and -cadences on to stern Soracte and the Apennines. - - * * * * * - -"I will not undertake," Plato said, "to determine what direction the -new Religion of the little ones will take. That direction depends upon -their whole life in peace and war, which is, and will remain, under -your exclusive control, O Zeus. But if I am to outline what shape and -function their Religion is likely to take in the near future, I feel -more confident of acquitting myself creditably. This applies more -particularly to the negative part of my task. I mean, it is quite -possible to criticise the various schemes of new Religions proposed by -a number of thinkers, and to say why these schemes will not succeed. - -"The most numerous schemes of this description have been propounded by -men of otherwise great abilities and accomplishments, such as Auguste -Comte, and his followers in England and elsewhere. They have tried to -establish rational Religions, or such in which Dionysus has no share. -This is a vain attempt. - -"Diogenes showed with great justice how all such attempts are doomed to -failure. - -"The more rational knowledge spreads both in bulk and in number of -disciples, the more the little ones will need a Dionysiac religion. - -"If the State or other ruling classes will not provide it properly, -eccentrics and faddists will do so improperly. - -"If the true enthusiasm for Art could really enter the hearts of the -masses, then, and then alone, Religion need not be Dionysiac. However, -this is impossible in nations consisting each of many millions of -people. - -"This is the greatness of your work, O Nietzsche. In your _Zarathustra_ -you worship Apollo with piety, but you entreat Dionysus too to enter -the temple. However, you restrict your cult to the few, and for this -reason you cannot succeed to a greater extent than did Pythagoras, who -likewise closed the gates of his sanctuary to the Many. - -"The question in Europe is how to let the Many feel the Light of Apollo -and the Might of Dionysus. Unless this is done, nothing is done. Can -Protestantism do that? Calvin is fast aging, and his hair is quite -white. Can Roman Catholicism do it?" - -At these words of Plato the first matutinal choir came wafted from the -Vatican. Plato made a pause. The Vestal Virgins bowed their heads. On -Cæsar's expressive face there appeared a strange smile, and leaning -over to Cicero, he whispered something into the ear of the great -orator-statesman. Zeus remained immobile. - - * * * * * - -Plato resumed thus: "The Romans of our time were to us Hellenes as -Protestantism is to Catholicism. Will the Rome of this day be absorbed -by the Protestants of the North as we were absorbed by ancient Rome? - -"You used to say, O Machiavelli, that this world belongs to the cold -hearts. That is probably quite true with regard to material things. But -is it true with regard to spiritual ones? - -"The North of Europe is cold; the South is warm. The former is romantic -at its best, and eccentric at its worst; while the South is classic -at its best, and irreverential at its worst. The North therefore will -worship Apollo only in a haze, and Dionysus in distorted forms; while -the South willingly bows to Apollo full of heavenly light, and accepts -Dionysus only by means of a strict, hierarchical organisation. - -"Can any Bach write one 'well-tempered' fugue on both North and South? -Can they in future be united in one belief? - -"We have had so far two kinds of Religion only. One, those of small -States, such as we had in Greece or Italy; the other, universal -Religions, such as the Religion of Jesus, based on humans as mere -abstracts, as mere equal atoms; Religions that applied to any person -irrespective of State, race, class, or occupation. There are, however, -now no small States such as we used to found, nor is all European -humanity one vast conglomeration of atomic men. - -"There are now new entities: nations. - -"Will each of them develop her own Religion? - -"Most likely, I think. - -"It is with Religions as with Law and Language: each nation, the more -high-strung it becomes, the more it differentiates its Law and its -Language. In the Middle Ages, up to the twelfth century, there were not -fifty languages in Europe. There are now far over a thousand. - -"Each nation wants its own way of worshipping and representing Apollo -and Dionysus. In countries full of musical enthusiasm the religious -_rôle_ of Dionysus is different from what it is in countries where -music is not an organ of the national soul. Should Europe ever be -levelled down to one United States of Europe (--at these words one -could see Zeus smile with benignant sarcasm--) then there will arise -new Religions in nearly every county of every country. - -"In England we see the process clearly developing. The official Church -is neither quite Apollo nor quite Dionysus; it is a product grown -somewhere between Rome and Geneva, say at Leghorn. - -"The unofficial Churches accept Dionysus only as enthusiasm for -unenthusiastic matters, such as Puritanism; while Apollo with them is a -Sunday school teacher. - -"And this cannot be otherwise. An Imperialist nation cannot have -an Imperialist Religion too, otherwise the heads of that Religion -would run the Empire. The English, in the interest of their Empire, -disintegrated their ancient Religion. In other words, they were bound -to obscure Apollo and to degrade Dionysus by eccentricities. - -"Take the Unitarians. Unable to find place for Dionysus in their -over-rationalised Religion, they rush into moral eccentricities, such -as a wholesale condemnation of war, a sickly philanthropy that yet -seldom leaves the precincts of words, and other morbid habits. - -"In England, Religion cannot be allowed its full-fledged growth. Should -the English lose their Empire and, which is doubtful, yet survive as -a small island-state, they will forthwith change their Religions, and -the first of these to be dropped will be Anglicanism; while Methodism, -in one of its extremer forms, is the most likely to replace all the -others, should Catholicism not supplant it. - -"The only new Christian Religion likely to arise in the British Empire -is one in India, which will stand to British Christianity as the Greek -Church stands to the Roman. I wonder why one or another of the British -missionaries has not developed it long ago. - -"In Great Britain herself a powerful new Religion cannot be devised as -yet. - -"It is quite different on the Continent; and it is devoutly to be -hoped that France will shake off her torpor and pour new religious -enthusiasm into the soul of her nation. - -"It is also to be hoped that the Japanese will at last adopt a Religion -fitting their new status as a great nation. They will never accept -Protestantism. They may accept some new form of Romanism, in that -the great distance of Rome from Tokio guarantees them from too much -interference, and because their next objective, the thousands of -islands called the Philippines, have long been converted to Romanism. - -"I have, in my travels on earth, frequently been asked whether our own -beautiful Religion could not be revived again. - -"To this the answer can hardly be doubtful. Our Religion was so -intimately connected with our peculiar polity that unless such polities -should be revived, our Religion cannot be reintroduced into the life of -nations. - -"In my Republic I have anticipated most of the political communities -that have arisen after my death; and the Roman Church has fully -confirmed my prediction, that the polity in which philosophers will be -kings will be the most abiding of all. The restrictions which I placed -on the various classes of my ideal Republic have not been literally -observed by the Roman Church; she has laid upon them other restrictions. - -"But then as now I say, that the greater the Ideal, the heavier price -we have to pay for it. - -"The little ones, listening to arm-chair experts, multi-millionaires -and faddists, indulge in the childish belief that they will be able -to bring Elysium down into their Assemblies, Market-places, and their -Social Life, by removing all severe conflicts, all cruelty, all -relentless punishments, and similar necessities which are only the -inevitable price paid for some great good. They think they will make -the world more humane, by giving up any attempt at weeding out all the -bad herbs among the human grass. - -"They will never do it. If they want to have a Religion better than the -one they have, they will have to pay an exceedingly heavy price for it. - -"First is Calvary, and then comes the Resurrection. - -"Religion is an Ideal, and hence very costly. If ever the general -brotherhood of men should be realised, just for one year, the -sacrifices to be paid for such a sublime ideal would be so immense that -people would at once relapse into the other extreme. - -"Nothing wiser ever fell from your lips, O Goethe, than your saying -that 'nothing is more hard to endure than a series of three beautiful -days.' - -"We Greeks know it. We realised many an ideal; more than has been -realised by any other people. Accordingly, we did not last very long. -Do not covet the stars! Be satisfied with a little cottage in the midst -of a small garden. - -"But you were right, O Spinoza, that the whole essence of Man is -concupiscence. He _will_ desire and aspire after an endless array of -things, all of which he wants to have for nothing. - -"It is in vain that we tell him that there is no more expensive shop -than that where gratification of desires is sold. - -"In vain have all the Religions essayed to inculcate the lesson of -resignation, one by threatening dire punishments on earth, the other -by menacing eternal pains in yonder world. - -"Resignation is the last thing a human thinks of. He thinks he is so -clever, so intelligent, so inventive and especially so 'progressive,' -that he will bend Ideals to his will, as he has done with a few of the -physical forces of Nature. He does not know that while other goods -require only the abnegation of one or a few individuals, Ideals exact -the privation of multitudes. - -"Could we free Greeks have been what we were, had we not stood on the -bodies of degraded slaves who relieved us of the drudgery of life? One -cannot be free and a slave at the same time. - -"In my deep conviction of the heavy sacrifices demanded for Ideals, -I frequently think that we Greeks, and more particularly myself, who -introduced this thirst for Ideals into the world, have thereby done -Europe more harm than good. - -"How many a time has the fate of Prometheus been re-enacted in millions -of ideal-smitten Europeans! There he is, bound to a rock, while an -eagle eats his liver, because he wanted to bring down Olympus to earth. - -"The Religion that will teach man serene resignation; that will imbue -him with the sense of the magnitude of Ideals; that will make him feel -that Ideals are not for man, but for gods; that Religion will save him. - -"None other. - -"The priests of that Religion must be the first to exemplify that -Resignation to the full. They must not preach Resignation while -themselves dressed in purple and clothed in the amplest rights of -Precedence, Authority, and Splendour. Will there ever be such priests? - -"I doubt it. What priests want and what they have always wanted, is -nothing but authority. - -"They have founded and brought to its most consummate expression the -science of authority-seeking. They know how to impress people. I do not -hope that they will ever give up such a profitable accomplishment; and -consequently no Religion of the future will have a remarkable success -unless it enables its founders to invest many persons with great -authority. - -"The scant authority it gives to its incumbents is the chief weakness -of Protestantism as compared with Roman Catholicism. This world is -ruled by Authority; and so far, the other world too has been governed -by the same means. And so at the end, as well as at the outset of our -reflections on Life we start and come back to the same eternal truth, -that practical life wants not truth as such, but only _effectology_. - -"Truth proper, and independent of any practical effects, has its place -only at the foot of Your Mighty Throne in Olympus, O Zeus. - -"We Hellenes having been on a plane altogether higher than is that of -the little ones, we dared to introduce some truths proper into our -life. We sincerely called a spade a spade. We knew that some women and -men must suffer, in order that others may fully develop their humanity; -and so we instituted slavery, scorning, as we did, the half-measures of -quarter, third, or three quarters liberty in men or women. We openly -talked of the 'Envy of the gods,' which is one of the deepest truths -of life. And thus in many a custom, law, or measure of ours we had the -courage to enshrine truth proper in the prose-frame of ordinary life. - -"This emboldened me to think that there might one day be a State, a -Republic, wholly built on eternal truths. And so I wrote my book hoping -it would serve as a beacon-fire for all times and all humans. - -"At present I know better. What people want, in Religion or Science, is -_effectological_ truth, and not truth proper. My book, as the rest of -my work, has procured me a place in Olympus, but has not enabled me to -conquer a single town of the nether-world. - -"I too have learnt to resign myself. - -"Truth, like Beauty, and Goodness, is not meant for the little ones. -And yet they will in all times go on their pilgrimage to our shrines; -through all ages they will worship Athens and mighty Rome as the true -home of humanity; as the age and the men who had the divine courage of -truthfulness, and the saving grace of Beauty." - -Zeus and Juno rose from their chryselephantine seats. The shades of -the night became lighter, and at a sign from Mercury, the whole divine -Assembly left their places and moved through the air towards Olympus. - - -THE END - - - - -A Catalogue of the - -Publications of T. Werner Laurie. - - - ABBEYS OF GREAT BRITAIN, The (H. Clairborne Dixon and E. Ramsden). - 6s. net. (Cathedral Series.) - - ABBEYS OF ENGLAND, The (Elsie M. Lang). 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You may copy it, give it away or re-use it -under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this -eBook or online at <a -href="http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you are not -located in the United States, you'll have to check the laws of the -country where you are located before using this ebook.</p> -<p>Title: Nights with the Gods</p> -<p>Author: Emil Reich</p> -<p>Release Date: May 13, 2017 [eBook #54715]</p> -<p>Language: English</p> -<p>Character set encoding: UTF-8</p> -<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK NIGHTS WITH THE GODS***</p> -<p> </p> -<h4>E-text prepared by Clarity, Graeme Mackreth,<br /> - and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br /> - (<a href="http://www.pgdp.net">http://www.pgdp.net</a>)<br /> - from page images generously made available by<br /> - Internet Archive<br /> - (<a href="https://archive.org">https://archive.org</a>)</h4> -<p> </p> -<table border="0" style="background-color: #ccccff;margin: 0 auto;" cellpadding="10"> - <tr> - <td valign="top"> - Note: - </td> - <td> - Images of the original pages are available through - Internet Archive. See - <a href="https://archive.org/details/nightswithgods00reicrich"> - https://archive.org/details/nightswithgods00reicrich</a> - </td> - </tr> -</table> -<p> </p> -<hr class="pg" /> -<p> </p> -<p> </p> -<p> </p> - -<div class="hidehand"> -<p class="center" style="margin-bottom:10em;"> -<img src="images/cover.jpg" alt="cover" /> </p> -</div> - -<p class="center" style="margin-bottom:5em;"> -<img src="images/illus03.jpg" alt="titlepage" /> </p> - - - - -<p class="ph2" style="margin-left: 60%;"><span class ="u">NIGHTS WITH<br /> -THE GODS..</span> -</p> - -<p style="margin-left: 45%; margin-top: 5em;"><img src="images/illus01.jpg" alt="page" /> </p> - - - - -<p class="ph1" style="margin-top: 2em;"> -<span class="smcap">Nights with<br /> -the Gods</span></p> - - -<p class="ph6" style="margin-left: 30%;">BY</p> - -<p class="ph3" style="margin-left: 30%;">EMIL REICH</p> -<p class="ph4" style="margin-left: 30%;"> <span class="smcap">Doctor Juris</span></p> - -<p class ="ph5" style="margin-left: 30%;"><i>Author of<br /> -"Foundations of Modern Europe"<br /> -"Success among Nations" etc.</i></p> -<p style="margin-left: 38%;"><img src="images/illus02.jpg" alt="trademark" /></p> - -<p class="ph5" style="margin-top: 5em;">LONDON<br /> - -T. WERNER LAURIE<br /> - -CLIFFORDS INN, FLEET STREET -</p> - - - - -<p class="ph5a" style="margin-top: 5em;">THE RIVERSIDE PRESS LIMITED, EDINBURGH.</p> - - - - -<p class="ph2 center" style="margin-top: 5em;">CONTENTS</p> - - - -<table summary="toc" width="50%"> - -<tr> -<td align="right">PAGE -</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td><a href="#THE_FIRST_NIGHT">THE FIRST NIGHT</a> -</td> -<td align="right"> -</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td><span style="margin-left: 5%;"><small>ARISTOTLE ON SPECIALISM IN ENGLAND</small></span> -</td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_1">1</a> -</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td><a href="#THE_SECOND_NIGHT">THE SECOND NIGHT</a> -</td> -<td align="right"> -</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td><span style="margin-left: 5%;"><small>DIOGENES AND PLATO ON TOLSTOY, IBSEN, SHAW, ETC.</small></span> -</td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_32">32</a> -</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td><a href="#THE_THIRD_NIGHT">THE THIRD NIGHT</a> -</td> -<td align="right"> -</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td><span style="margin-left: 5%;"><small>ALCIBIADES ON WOMEN IN ENGLAND</small></span> -</td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_65">65</a> -</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td><a href="#FOURTH_NIGHT">FOURTH NIGHT</a> -</td> -<td align="right"> -</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td><span style="margin-left: 5%;"><small>ALCIBIADES—CONTINUED</small></span> -</td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_101">101</a> -</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td><a href="#THE_FIFTH_NIGHT">THE FIFTH NIGHT</a> -</td> -<td align="right"> -</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td><span style="margin-left: 5%;"><small>CÆSAR ON THE HOUSE OF COMMONS</small></span> -</td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_134">134</a> -</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td><a href="#THE_SIXTH_NIGHT">THE SIXTH NIGHT</a> -</td> -<td align="right"> -</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td><span style="margin-left: 5%;"><small>APOLLO AND DIONYSUS IN ENGLAND</small></span> -</td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_160">160</a> -</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td><a href="#THE_SEVENTH_NIGHT">THE SEVENTH NIGHT</a> -</td> -<td align="right"> -</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td><span style="margin-left: 5%;"><small>SOCRATES, DIOGENES, AND PLATO ON RELIGION</small></span> -</td> -<td align="right"><a href="#Page_182">182</a> -</td> -</tr> -</table> - - - - - - - - -<p class="ph2a">FOREWORD</p> - - -<p>The great spirits of the past, chiefly Hellenes, recently revisited -England. With a view to an exchange of ideas on English contemporary -life, they met at night in various towns of Italy, where, by the favour -of Dionysus, the author was allowed to be present, and to take notes -at the proceedings. The following pages contain some of the speeches -delivered in the Assembly of the Gods and Heroes.</p> - -<p> -<span style="margin-left: 65%;"><span class="smcap">The Author.</span></span><br /> -<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 2%;"><span class="smcap">33 St Luke's Road,</span><br /> -<span style="margin-left: 3%;">Notting Hill,</span><br /> -<span style="margin-left: 4%;">London, W.</span></span><br /> -</p> - - - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></p> - - - - -<p class="ph2a"><a name="NIGHTS_WITH_THE_GODS" id="NIGHTS_WITH_THE_GODS">NIGHTS WITH THE GODS</a></p> - - - - -<p class="ph2a"><a name="THE_FIRST_NIGHT" id="THE_FIRST_NIGHT">THE FIRST NIGHT</a></p> - -<p class="center">ARISTOTLE ON SPECIALISM IN ENGLAND</p> - - -<p>The first night the gods and heroes assembled on the heights around -Florence. From the magnificent town there came only a faint glimmer of -artificial light, and the Arno rolled its waves melodiously towards the -sea. On a height full of convenient terraces, offering a view on the -Lily of the Arno, on Fiesole, and on the finely undulating outlines of -the Apennine Mountains, the Assembly sat down. From afar one could see -the bold lines of the copy of Michelangelo's David on the hill. The -evening was lovely and balmy. Zeus opened the meeting with a request -directed to Alexander, King of Macedon, to ask his teacher Aristotle -to entertain them with his experiences at the seats of modern learning -and study. Alexander did so, and the grave Stagirite, mellowed by the -years, addressed the Assembly as follows:</p> - -<p>"All my mortal life I have tried, by reading, by making vast -collections of natural objects and animals, and by the closest thinking -on the facts furnished to me by men of all sorts of professions and -crafts, to get at some unity of knowledge. I held, and still hold, -that just as Nature is one, so ought Know<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span>ledge too to be. I have -written a very large number of treatises, many of which, thanks to Thy -Providence, O Zeus, have escaped the smallpox called commentaries, in -that the little ones never got possession of those works. But while -always loving detail and single facts, I never lost sight of the -connection of facts. As a coin, whether a penny or a sovereign, has -no currency unless the image of the prince is cut out on it, even so -has no fact scientific value unless the image of an underlying general -principle is grafted thereon. This great truth I taught all my pupils, -and I hoped that men would carefully observe it in all their studies. -When then I went amongst the little ones, I expected them to do as I -had taught their teachers to do. However, what I found was, O Zeus, the -funniest of all things.</p> - -<p>"On my visit to what they call Universities I happened to call, in the -first place, on a professor who said he studied history. In my time I -believed that history was not as suggestive of philosophical truths as -is poetry. Since then I have somewhat altered my view. Naturally enough -I was curious to know what my Professor of History thought of that, and -I asked him to that effect. He looked at me with a singular smile and -said: 'My young friend (—I had assumed the appearance of a student—), -my young friend, history is neither more nor less than a science. As -such it consists of a long array of specialities.' 'And which,' I asked -timidly, 'is your special period?' Whereupon the professor gravely -said: 'The afternoons of the year 1234 <span class="smcap">A.D.</span>'" While everybody -present in the Assembly, including even St Francis of Assisi, laughed -at this point of Aristotle's narrative,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span> Diogenes exclaimed: "Why has -the good man not selected the nights of that year? It would greatly -reduce his labours."</p> - -<p>A peal of laughter rewarded the lively remark. Aristotle resumed his -tale, and said: "When the professor saw that I was a little amused -at his statement, he frowned on me and exclaimed in a deep voice, -if with frequent stammerings, which as I subsequently learnt is the -chief attraction of their diction, 'My young friend, you must learn -to understand that we modern historians have discovered a method so -subtle, and so effective, that, with all deference be it said, we are -in some respects stronger even than the gods. For the gods cannot -change the past; but we modern historians can. We do it every day of -our lives, and some of us have obtained a very remarkable skill at it.'"</p> - -<p>At this point of Aristotle's narrative Homeric laughter seized all -present, and Aristophanes patted the Stagirite on the back, saying: -"Pray, consider yourself engaged. At the next performance of my best -comedy you will be my protagonist." Aristotle thanked him with much -grace, and continued: "I was naturally very curious to learn what my -Professor of History thought of the great Greeks of my own time and of -that of my ancestors. I mentioned Homer. I had barely done so but what -my professor burst into a coarse and disdainful guffaw.</p> - -<p>"'Homer?' he exclaimed; 'Homer?—but of whom do you speak? -Homer is nothing more nor less than a multiple syndicate of -street-ballad-singers who, by a belated process of throwing back the -"reflex" of present and modern events to remote ages,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span> and by the -well-known means of literary contamination, epical syncretism, and -religious, mythopœic, and subconscious impersonation have been -hashed into the appearance of one great poet.</p> - -<p>"'Our critical methods, my young friend, are so keen that, to speak by -way of simile, we are able to spot, from looking at the footprints of a -man walking in the sand, what sort of buttons he wore on his cuffs.</p> - -<p>"'Poor Cuvier—otherwise one of my revered colleagues—used to say: -"Give me a tooth of an animal and I will reconstruct the rest of the -animal's body." What is Cuvier's feat as compared with ours? He still -wanted a tooth; he still was in need of so clumsy and palpable a thing -as a tooth; perhaps a molar. We, the super-Cuviers of history, we do -not want a tooth any more than toothache; we want nothing. No tooth, -no footprint even, simply nothing. Is it not divine? We form, as it -were, an <i>Ex Nihilo</i> Club. We have nothing, we want nothing, and yet -give everything. Although we have neither leg to stand on, nor tooth to -bite with, we staunchly prove that Homer was not Homer, but a lot of -Homers. Is that not marvellous? But even this, my young friend, is only -a trifle. We have done far greater things.</p> - -<p>"'These ancient Greeks (quite clever fellows, I must tell you, and some -of them <i>could</i> write grammatical Greek), these ancient Greeks had, -amongst other remarkable men, one called Aristotle. He wrote quite a -number of works; of course, not quite as many as he thought he did. For -we have proved by our <i>Ex Nihilo</i> methods that much of what he thought -he had written was not written by him, but<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span> dictated. We have gone even -so far (I myself, although used to our exploits, stand sometimes agape -at our sagacity), we have gone so far as to prove that in the dictation -of some of his writings Aristotle was repeatedly interrupted by letters -or telephonic messages, which accounts for gaps and other shortcomings.</p> - -<p>"'Well, this man Aristotle (for, we have not yet pluralised him, -although I—but this would pass your horizon, my young friend)—this -clever man has left us, amongst other works, one called "Politics." It -is not wanting in quality, and it is said, if with certain doubts, that -there are a few things to be learnt from it. It is, of course, also -said that no professor has ever learnt them. But this is mere calumny. -Look at their vast commentaries. Of course, how can one accept some of -the glaring fallacies of Aristotle? Imagine, that man Aristotle wants -us to believe that nearly all Greek states were founded, equipped with -a constitution, and in a word, completely fitted out by <i>one</i> man in -each case. Thus, that Sparta was founded, washed, dressed, fed, and -educated by one Lycurgus. How ridiculous!</p> - -<p>"'Having proved, as we have, that Homer's poetry, a mere book, was -made by a Joint Stock Company, Unlimited, how can we admit that a big -and famous state like Sparta was ordered, cut out, tailored, stuffed -and set on foot by one man? Where would be Evolution? If a state like -Sparta was made in the course of a few months by one man, what would -Evolution do with all the many, many years and ages she has to drag -along? Why, she would die with <i>ennui</i>, bored to death. Can we admit -that? <i>Can one let Evolution die?</i> Is she not<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span> a nice, handy, comely -Evolution, and so useful in the household that we cannot be happy -until we get her? To believe in a big, important state like Sparta -having been completely established by one man is like saying that -my colleague, the Professor of Zoology, taking a shilling bottle of -Bovril, has reconstituted out of its contents a live ox walking stately -into his lecture-room. Hah-hah-hah! Very good joke. (Secretary! Put it -into my table-talk! Voltairian joke! serious, but not grave.)</p> - -<p>"'Now, you see, my young friend, in that capital point Aristotle was -most childishly mistaken; and even so in many another point. We have -definitely done away with all state-founders of the ancients. Romulus -is a myth; so is Theseus; so is Moses; so is Samson (not to speak of -Delilah); so is everybody who pretended to have founded a city-state. -Since he never existed, how could he have founded anything? Could I -found a city-state? Or any state, except a certain state of mind, in -which I say that no single man can found a city-state? Could I? Of -course, I could not. Well then, how could Lycurgus? Was he a LL.D.? -Was he a member of the British Academy? Was he a professor at Oxford? -Had he written numerous letters to <i>The Times</i>? Was he subscriber to -so respectable a paper as <i>The Spectator</i>? It is ridiculous to speak -of such a thing. Lycurgus founding Sparta! It is too amusing for -words. These are all myths. Whatever we cannot understand, we call a -myth; and since we do not understand many things, we get every day a -richer harvest of myths. We are full of them. We are the real living -mythology.'</p> - -<p>"To this long oration," Aristotle continued, "I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span> retorted as calmly -as I could, that we Greeks had states totally different from those -of the moderns, just as the latter had a Church system absolutely -different from our religious institutions; so that if anyone had tried -to persuade an Athenian of my time that a few hundred years later there -would be Popes, or single men claiming and obtaining the implicit -obedience of all believers in all countries, the Athenian would sooner -have gone mad than believe such stuff. For, to him, as a Greek, it must -have seemed hopelessly incredible that an office such as that of the -universal Pope should ever be tolerated; or, in other words, that a -single man should ever be given such boundless spiritual power. I said -all that with much apparent deference; but my professor got more and -more out of control.</p> - -<p>"'What,' said he, 'what do you drag in Popes for? We talk of Lycurgus, -not of Popes. Was Lycurgus a Christian? Let us stick to the point. The -point is that Lycurgus never existed, since so many professors, who do -exist beyond doubt, deny his historical existence. Now, either you deny -the existence of these professors, which you can't; or you deny that -of Lycurgus, which you must. Existence cannot include non-existence. -For, non-existence is, is it not?—the negation of existence. And since -the professors exist, their non-existence would involve us in the -most exasperating contradictions with them, with ourselves, and with -the daily Press. This, however, would be a disaster too awful to be -seriously thought of. Consequently, Lycurgus did not exist; nor did any -other state-founding personality in Greek or Roman times.</p> - -<p>"'In fact when you come to think of it, nobody<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span> ever existed except -ourselves. Adam was not; he will be at the end of ends. The whole -concept of the world is wrong as understood by the vulgar. Those old -Greek and Roman heroes, like Aristomenes, Coriolanus, Cincinnatus, -never existed for a day. Nor did the Doric Migration, the Twelve -Tables, and lots of other so-called events. They have been invented -by schoolmasters for purposes of exams. Did Draco's laws ever exist? -Ridiculous. That man Aristotle speaks of them, but it is as evident as -soap that he invented them for mods. or other exams. of his.</p> - -<p>"'The vulgar constantly ask me whether or no history repeats itself. -What, for goodness' sake, does that matter to me? It is sufficient -for all purposes that historians repeat each other, for it is in -that way that historical truth is established. Or do not the great -business-princes thus establish their reputation? They go on repeating -"Best furniture at Staple's," "Best furniture at Staple's," three -hundred and sixty-five times a year, in three hundred and sixty-five -papers a day. By repetition of the same thing they establish truth. So -do we historians. That's business. What, under the circumstances, does -it matter, whether history itself does or does not repeat itself?</p> - -<p>"'One arrogant fellow who published a wretched book on "General -History," thought wonders what he did not do by saying, that -"<i>History does repeat itself in institutions, but never in events or -persons.</i>" Can such drivel be tolerated! Why, the repetition by and -through persons (read: historians) is the very soul of history. We in -this country have said and written in and out of time and on every -sort of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span> paper, that the "Decline and Fall of the Burmese Empire" -is the greatest historical work ever written by a Byzantine, or a -post-Byzantine. We have said it so frequently, so incessantly, that at -present it is an established truth. Who would dare to say that it is -not? Why, the very <i>Daily Nail</i> would consider such a person as being -beneath it.</p> - -<p>"'We real historians go for facts only. Ideas are sheer dilettantism. -Give us facts, nothing but single, limited, middle-class facts. In the -Republic of Letters we do not suffer any lordly ideas, no more than the -idea of lords. One fact is as good as another, and far worse. Has not -our greatest authority taught that the British Empire was established -in and by absent-mindedness, that is, without a trace of reasoned -ideas? As the British Empire, even so the British historians, and, -<i>cela vo sang dir</i>, all the other historians. Mind is absent. "Mind" is -a periodical; not a necessity. We solid researchers crawl from one fact -to another for crawling's sake.'"</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The gods and heroes were highly amused with the tale of Aristotle, -and it was with genuine delight that they saw him resume the story of -his experiences at the seats of learning. "When I left the Professor -of History," continued Aristotle, "I felt somewhat heavy and dull. -I could not easily persuade myself that such utter confusion should -reign in the study of history after so many centuries of endless -research. I hoped that the little ones<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span> might have made more real -advance in philosophy; and with a view to ascertain the fact, I entered -a lecturing hall where a professor was even then holding forth on my -treatise 'De Anima.' He had just published a thick book on my little -treatise, although (or perhaps because?...) another professor, a -Frenchman, had recently published a much thicker book on it.</p> - -<p>"I listened very attentively, but could not understand a word -of what he said. He treated me text-critically, philologically, -hermeneutically,—everything, except understandingly. I felt that my -treatise was not mine at all. It was his. At a given moment I could -not help uttering aloud a sarcastic remark about the professor's -explanations. Down he came on me like thunder, and with a triumphant -sneer he proved to me that what I had said I had not said at all. -In that I differed entirely from a great statesman of theirs, who -<i>had</i> said what he had said. The professor put me under a regular -examination, and after twenty minutes formally ploughed me in 'De -Anima.'</p> - -<p>"This was a novel experience for me. In the Middle Ages, it is true, -I had repeatedly had the same experience, and Albertus Magnus and St -Thomas Aquinas had done me the same honour. But in modern times I had -not yet experienced it. The next day I called upon the professor, who -lived in a beautiful house, filled with books, amongst which I saw a -great number of editions of my own works.</p> - -<p>"I asked him whether he had ever cared to study the <i>anima</i>, or what -they call the psychology of animals. I added that Aristotle had -evidently done<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span> so, as his works explicitly prove, and that after he -had surveyed all sorts of souls in the vegetable, animal and human -kingdom, both normal and pathological, he wrote his treatise 'De -Anima,' the real sense of which must escape him who has not taken such -a wide range of the question. Ah—you ought to have seen the professor! -He jumped from his seat, took another whisky and soda and said: 'My -young friend, the first thing in science is to distinguish well. <i>Bene -docet qui bene distinguit.</i> You speak of animals. What have they to do -with human psychology? Their souls are studied by my colleague who goes -in for comparative psychology; or rather by several of my colleagues, -one of whom studies the comparative psychology of the senses; the -other that of the emotions; the third that of memory; the fourth—the -fifth—the sixth, etc., etc., etc.</p> - -<p>"'I, I stick to my point. I have my speciality. You might think that -my speciality is psychology, or Aristotle's psychology. Not at all. -This is all too vague, too general. My speciality is quite special; a -particularly singular speciality: the text of Aristotle's psychology. -And even that goes too far; for what I really call my speciality -is <i>my</i> version of the text which is said to have been written by -Aristotle.</p> - -<p>"'Now at last we are on firm ground. What under those conditions need -I trouble about cats and rats? The latter, the rats, have, I admit, -some little importance for me. They have in their time devoured parts -of Aristotle's manuscripts, and I have now to reconstitute what they -have swallowed. I am to them a kind of literary Beecham's Pill. But<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span> -as to cats, mules or donkeys? What have they to do with me? Can they -influence my version of the text? Hardly.</p> - -<p>"'My young friend, if Aristotle himself came to me, I should tell him: -"My good man, unless you accept my version of your text, you are out of -court. I am a professor, and you are only an author. Worse than that—a -Greek author. As theologians fix the value and meaning of gospel-words; -as the State makes a piece of worthless paper worth five pounds -sterling by a mere declaration; even so we say what you Aristotle did -say. What <i>you</i> said or meant is indifferent; what we say you said or -meant is alone of consequence." How then could even Aristotle refute me -regarding my view of his views? It is logically impossible.</p> - -<p>"'Don't you see, this is why we have invented our beautiful system -of excessive specialisation. Where each of us studies only one very -small thing, there he need not fear much competition, but may hope for -exclusive authority. We shall soon establish chairs for professors of -philosophy, who will study, each of them, just a mere splinter of a -twig of one branch of the tree of philosophy; or better still, just -one leaf of such a twig of such a branch; and finally, just a dewdrop -on such a leaf of such a twig of such a branch. Then we shall have -completed our network of authority.</p> - -<p>"'Our contemptible enemies say that our talk about Aristotle and -Plato is like the gossip of lackeys in the pot-house about their -noble masters. We know better. You are a young man. I will give you a -bit of profound advice. If you want to make your way in the literary -world rapidly and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span> with ease, hitch on your name to some universally -acknowledged celebrity. Do not write on obscure, if great authors or -heroes; but pick out Homer, Plato, Dante, Shakespeare, Goethe, or -Napoleon. Write constantly on some speciality of these men; thus, -on the adjectives in Homer; on the neutral article in Plato; on the -conjunctions in Dante; on the plant-lore in Shakespeare; on the names -of women in Goethe; or on the hats of Napoleon.</p> - -<p>"'Your name will then incessantly be before the public together with -that of Homer or Shakespeare or Napoleon. After a time, by a natural -association of ideas, something of the lustre of the immortal will -fall on you. Note how the most elaborate writers on, say Shakespeare, -are almost invariably men of the most sincere mediocrity. They are, -nevertheless, exceedingly clever tacticians. They become "authorities." -We are not authorities because we are specialists; we have, on the -contrary, introduced the system of specialities in order to pass -for authorities. To use Plato's terms: our whole business spells -<i>effectology</i>, and nothing else. Take this to heart and be successful.'</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>"On leaving the professor," Aristotle said, "I felt that I had -made several steps forward in the comprehension of that system -of specialisation which I heard praised and admired in all the -Universities. I need not tell you, my friends, how utterly wrong -that system is. As humans do not think in words, but in whole<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span> -sentences, so Nature does not act in particulars, but in wholes. The -particulars are ours, not Nature's. In making them we act arbitrarily. -Why should dentistry be one speciality? Why should there not be -thirty-two different specialist dentists for our thirty-two teeth? -All specialisation in the realm of knowledge is rank arbitrariness. -Without exception, the great leading ideas in all organised thought -have invariably been made by wholesale thinkers like Pythagoras, Plato, -I venture to add: myself, Lionardo da Vinci, Kepler, Newton, Pascal, -Leibniz, Darwin. That is precisely where humans differ from animals. -All animals are the most conceited specialists."</p> - -<p>Here Diogenes interrupted: "Does the converse hold good, O Aristotle?"</p> - -<p>"I will leave," Aristotle replied with a smile, "the consideration of -this case to your own discretion. I do repeat it, that each animal is -an out-and-out specialist. It troubles about nothing else than the two -or three things it takes a professional interest in. It eats, sleeps, -and propagates; occasionally it adds a tightly circumscribed activity -of some kind. That's why animals do not talk. It is not part of their -speciality. They do not talk for the same reason that the English do -not produce fine music, nor the Prussians tactful behaviour. In all -these cases the interest of the specialist lies elsewhere.</p> - -<p>"Does a modern specialist in heart-diseases study the kidneys? Does -a specialist in surgery care to study the nerves? Even so an animal -does not care to speak. It is a specialist; it restricts itself to -its 'business,' to 'the point.' The little ones say that animals have -no general ideas, and that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span> is why they cannot speak. But have human -specialists any general ideas of anything, and yet—do they not speak? -The argument is too foolish for words.</p> - -<p>"Why, Nature created men in order to have a few <i>generalists</i>, if I may -say so, amongst all the specialists called animals or plants; just as -amongst men she created Homers and Platos and Galileos and Leibnizes, -in order to save the rest of humans from their evil tendency to -over-specialisation. It is a plan as plain as transparent glass.</p> - -<p>"Thousands of years ago Nature found out that, with all these endless -vegetal and animal specialists on hand, she would soon have to declare -herself bankrupt. One specialist ignored the other; or hampered, hurt, -and paralysed the other; they could not understand one another, because -they had no common interest. In her predicament, Nature created human -beings for the same reason that men invented the locomotive or the -telegraph. She could no longer be without him. Man was, by his very -needs, obliged to drop over-specialisation. He interested himself, -for a variety of ends and reasons, in stones as much as in plants and -animals. By exterminating some of the most damaging species of animals, -he saved the life of millions of specimens of other animals that would -otherwise have been killed out by ferocious specialists, such as the -tiger, the leopard, and the wolf. The same he did to plants, and partly -to rivers and lakes. He brought a little order into this pandemonium of -specialists in Nature.</p> - -<p>"Look at the sea. There man was unable to exert his power for order -by general ideas. Look at the indescribable disorder and chaos and -mon<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span>strosity of life and living beings in the sea. They are hideous, -like an octopus; short-lived, nay, of a few minutes' duration, like -the jelly-fish; fearful and yet cowardly like a shark; abominably -under-sized or over-sized; incapable of any real passion, except that -of eating and drinking. This liquid mass of fanatic and unsystematised -specialists render the sea as inferior to the land as is Thibet to Holy -Athens. People travelling in that ocean of specialists are exasperated -by foul sea-sickness; and empires built on it have repeatedly been -destroyed in a single week; ay, in one day.</p> - -<p>"The dread of being swamped by specialists has driven Nature into -creating the most grotesque compositions of beings half plant and half -animal, or half stone and half plant; or again half male and half -female; or half land-animal, half fish. Another way adopted by Nature -in her attempt to obviate the ravages of specialists was by giving -them exceedingly short shrift, and just a mere speck of existence; or -again by forcing them to form big corporations and societies, such as -forests, prairies, meadows, swarms, troupes.</p> - -<p>"In fact Nature is a free lance fighting incessantly the evil done by -the specialists. Ask Poseidon what trouble the sea gives him; ask Æolus -how his life is made a misery through the mad freaks of the various -specialists in winds. And what is the deep, underlying reason of all -this insane race for specialism? I will tell you that in one word. It -is Envy and Jealousy. In certain countries Envy and Jealousy are the -inextinguishable and ubiquitous hydra of life.</p> - -<p>"Take England. She is a democracy, if a masked<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span> one. Hence Jealousy is -the dominating trait of her citizens. Jealousy has, thousands of years -ago, invented railways, telegraphs, wired and wireless ones, telephones -and Röntgen-rays, and all the rest of the infernal machines whereby -Space, Time, and Work is shortened, curtailed, annihilated. Jealousy -has at all times sent wireless messages over and through all the houses -of a town or an entire country. It has Röntgenised the most hidden -interiors; and its poison runs more quickly through all the veins and -nerves of men than does the electric spark.</p> - -<p>"Look at the customs, social prejudices, or views of that nation. Over -one half of them was introduced to disarm the ever-present demon of -Jealousy. Why is a man a specialist? Because in that way he disarms -Jealousy more quickly and more surely than by any other expedient. It -gives him an air both of modesty and of strength by concentration. -In reality it does neither. It is only an air. The so-called Reality -consists of nothing but unrealities, of shams, and masks. A specialist -is not a master of his subject; he is a master of the art than which -there is no greater, the art of making other people believe that you -are not what you are, but what <i>they</i> want you to be.</p> - -<p>"Nature has a horror of specialists; and she will reveal her secrets to -an insane poet rather than to a specialist. Most great inventions were -made either by 'outsiders,' or by young men who had not yet had the -time to harden into specialists. In specialisation there is nothing but -a total misunderstanding of Nature.</p> - -<p>"Nature acts by instantaneous correlation and co-operation of different -parts to one end; and to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span> specialise is tantamount to taking a clock -to pieces, putting them separately in a row on the table, and then -expecting them to give you the exact time.</p> - -<p>"In Nature there is no evolution, but only co-evolution; there is no -differentiation but only co-differentiation. The little ones have -quite overlooked all that; and that is why so many of the statements -of co-differentiation in my zoology can be neither confirmed nor -refuted by them. Who dare say which is a 'part' in Nature? Is the hand -a 'part,' that is, something that might legitimately be told off as a -speciality? Or must it be studied in connection with the arm, or with -its homologies in the nether part of the body?</p> - -<p>"In the same way: what constitutes a 'period' in history? Any division -of a hundred or a thousand years by two, three, or four? Or by a -division of twenty-five or thirty only? Who can tell? A man who says -he is a specialist in the thirteenth century, is he not like a man who -pretends that he is a specialist in respiration in the evening?</p> - -<p>"Nature does specialise; witness her innumerable specialists. But do -we know, do we possess the slightest idea as to how she does it? Can -we prove why a goose has its peculiar head and not that of a stork? -Evidently not, because we do not know what Nature calls a part, a -speciality. She abhors specialists, just because they know so little of -<i>her</i> way of specialising."</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>At this point of Aristotle's speech, Aristophanes asked for leave to -protest. Having obtained it from Zeus, he commenced forthwith: "O -Father of Nature and Man, I can no longer stand the invective of the -Stagirite. In his time he was prudent enough to postpone his birth -till after my mortal days; otherwise I should have treated him as I -did Meton and Socrates, and other philosophers. But here he shall not -escape me. Just imagine, this man wants to deprive creation of the best -fun that is offered to the thinking beings amongst animals and humans.</p> - -<p>"I wish he had overheard, as I have, when the other night I passed -through an old forest near Darlington, a conversation between an old -owl, a black woodpecker, and a badger. The owl sat, somewhat lower than -usual on a birch-tree, while the woodpecker stopped his work at the -bark of the groaning tree, and the badger had left his hole in order -to enjoy the cool breath of the night. The owl said: 'Good-evening, -Mr Woodpecker, how is business? Many worms beneath the bark?' The -woodpecker replied: 'Thanks, madam, there is a slump, but one must put -up with what one can get.'</p> - -<p>"The badger then complained that he passed tedious hours in the ground, -and he wished he could again see the exciting times of a few hundred -thousand years ago when earthquakes and other catastrophes made -existence more entertaining. 'Quite so,' said the owl, 'the forest is -getting too civilised, and too calm. But you see, my friends, I have -provided for much solid amusement for my old days. I used to visit a -human's room, who read a great number of books. I asked him to teach -me that art. I found it easy enough, only that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span> these humans will read -in a straight line from left to right, and I am accustomed to circular -looks all round.</p> - -<p>"'When I had quite acquired the art, I read some of his books. They -were all about us folk in the forest. Once I chanced upon a chapter on -owls. You may easily imagine how interested I was. I had not yet read -a few pages, when I was seized with such a laughter that the professor -became very indignant and told me to leave him. This I did; but -whenever he read his books, I read them too, perched on a tree not far -from his study. I cannot tell you how amusing it was.</p> - -<p>"'These humans tell stories about us owls, and about you, Mr -Woodpecker, and Mr Badger, that would cause a sloth to dance with joy. -They imagine they know how we see, how we fly, how we get our food, and -how we make our abodes. As a matter of fact they have hopelessly wrong -notions about all these things. They want, as my venerated father used -to say, to tap the lightning off into nice little flasks, in order to -study it conveniently. This they call Evolution.</p> - -<p>"'The idea was mostly developed in England, in a country where they -are proud of thinking that they always "muddle through somehow." These -three words they apply to Nature, and call it Evolution. Once upon a -time, they say—it does not matter whether 200,000 or 300,000 years, -or perchance 645,789 years ago—there was my ancestor who, by mere -accident, had an eye that enabled him to see more clearly at night than -other birds did. This eye enabled him to catch more prey, thus to live -longer, and to transmit his <i>nocturne</i> of an eye<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span> to his progeny. And -so by degrees we muddled into owlship.</p> - -<p>"'Is that not charming? My father used to laugh at that idea until all -the cuckoos came to inquire what illness had befallen him. He told me, -that an owl's eye was in strict correlation with definite and strongly -individual formations of the ears, of the neck, of the feet, and of -the intestines, and that accordingly a mere accidental change in the -supposed ancestor's eye was totally insufficient to account for the -corresponding and correlative formations just mentioned.</p> - -<p>"'Such correlative and simultaneous changes in various organs can -be the consequences only of a violent and, as it were, fulgurous -shock to the whole system of a bird. Such shocks are not a matter of -slow growth. As all individual animal life at present is called into -existence by one shock of fulgurant forces, even so it arose originally.</p> - -<p>"'But the English think that Nature is by birth an Englishman who -adopts new organisms as Englishmen adopt new systems of measures, -calendars, inventions, or laws,—<i>i.e.</i> hundreds of years after someone -else has fulgurated them out.</p> - -<p>"'They imagine Nature to be, by rank and profession, a middle-class -man and muddler; by religion, a Nonconformist; and by politics, a -Liberal. However, we know better. Nature is, by rank and profession, -a free lance and a genius; by religion, a Roman Catholic; and by -politics, a Tory of the Tories. Now this being so, you may imagine, Mr -Woodpecker and Mr Badger, what capital fun it is to read these learned -lucubrations about birds and other animals as written by humans.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span></p> - -<p>"'The other day I called on Master Fox in the neighbourhood. He was -ill and, in order to amuse him, I told him what they say of him in -human books. He fairly burst with laughter. He told me later on, that -by narrating all the Don Quixote stories told of him by man, to a big -brown bear, he became the court-favourite of that dreaded king of the -place.</p> - -<p>"'I have sent the swiftest bat, to whom I gave a safe conduct, to all -the birds and animals of this country, to meet at a given time on -one of the peaks of the Hartz Mountains, where I mean to entertain -them with the stories told by specialists on each of them, on their -structure, functions, and mode of life. It will be the greatest fun -we have had these two thousand years. I charged the nightingales, the -larks, and the mocking birds of America to open the meeting with the -most wonderful chorus that they have ever sung, and I am sure that I -will deserve well of the whole community of birds and other animals by -offering them this the most exhilarating amusement imaginable.'</p> - -<p>"So spake the owl. And now, O Zeus, can you really brook Aristotle's -attempt to demolish and to remove men who furnish pleasure and intense -amusement to so many animals holy to men and even to the gods? I -cannot believe it. You know how necessary it is to provide carefully -for the amusement of people. To neglect Dionysus is to court hideous -punishment. If the specialists in Nature should disappear, you will, -O Zeus, have endless anarchy on all sides. Birds, insects, snakes, -and reptiles, lions, felines, and bears—they will all rise in bored -discontent, in the waters, on land, in the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span> air. You will never have a -free moment for calm repose.</p> - -<p>"They will worry all the gods incessantly. They will make the most -annoying conspiracies and plots and intrigues against all of us. Let -us not take Aristotle seriously. He means well, and is no doubt quite -right, as far as reason goes. But does reason go very far? Can he now -deny the eternal rights of unreason? To remove the specialists in -biology and natural history is to remove the comedy from Athens. The -Athenians, in order to be ruled, must be entertained. But for me and -the like of me, the Athenians could never have held out as long as they -did hold out. It is even so with animals. They want their Aristophanes. -They must have their specialists. Pray, Artemis, you who in your -hunts over dales and mountains have heard and observed everything -that concerns animals, join me in protesting against the onslaught of -Aristotle on men so necessary for the well-being of animated Nature."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Artemis Diana laughed melodiously and nodded consent. The other gods, -amidst great hilarity, passed a vote against Aristotle, and the sage -smilingly bowed acceptance of the censure.</p> - -<p>"I will abide," he exclaimed, "by your decision. But, pray, let me -make just one more remark which, I have no doubt, the master-minds of -the unique city, over which we are hovering at present, will gladly -approve. I call upon you Lionardo, Michel<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span>angelo, Machiavelli, and -you magnificent Lorenzo, whether I am exceeding the limits of truth. -I do maintain that while the little ones have, in religion, gone from -Polytheism to Monotheism, they pretend that in matters of knowledge -time is constantly increasing the number of gods to be worshipped.</p> - -<p>"At present they affect to believe no longer in the numerous gods and -goddesses of the Olympus, but only in one God. In point of knowledge, -on the other hand, they declare that each little department thereof -is endless, requiring the study and devotion of a whole lifetime, -and controlled, each of them, by a god whom they call an authority. -Now, nothing can be more evident than the fact that knowledge, real -knowledge, becomes increasingly more stenographic in expression, and -sensibly easier of acquisition. The Chinese write encyclopædias in -6000 volumes; the modern Europeans do so in twenty-four or thirty-six -volumes."</p> - -<p>Here Diogenes interrupted the Stagirite and said: "I am afraid, O -Aristotle, that your argument has little real force to boast of. It -does not prove at all that the Chinese have only crude, empirical, and -unorganised knowledge, while the little ones in Europe have a reasoned -and systematised, and hence a less cumbrous one. This is owing to quite -a different cause.</p> - -<p>"The little ones have of late invented a method of publishing -encyclopædias in a manner so well adapted to tempt, threaten, bully, -or wire each member of the general public into the purchase of an -entire copy, that if their encyclopædias consisted of 6000 or 10,000 -volumes each, the people of England, for instance, would have to -conquer Norway, Sweden,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span> and Iceland first. Norway they would be -obliged to conquer, in order to possess themselves of sufficient -wood for the cases; Sweden, in order to appoint all Swedish gymnasts -for the acrobatic feat of fetching a volume from the fiftieth row of -a bookcase; and Iceland, in order to place excited readers of the -encyclopædia in a cool place. But for this circumstance, I am sure the -little ones in Europe would fain publish an encyclopædia in 15,000 -volumes."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>When the laughter of the Assembly had subsided, Aristotle continued: -"Nothing has struck me more forcibly in my visit to their seats of -learning than this universal belief in the infinitude of each tiny -department or speciality. They do most gravely assert that 'nowadays' -it is impossible to embrace more than one speciality; and they look -upon me or Leibniz with a certain knowing smile as if in our times all -knowledge would have consisted of a few jugs full of water, whereas -now it is no less than an ocean. But when you ask them the simplest -questions, they are at a loss how to answer them.</p> - -<p>"I asked one of their most famous specialists why the eyebrows of men -are shorter than the moustaches. He did not know it. How could he? -It takes the knowledge of at least five so-called specialities to -answer such a question. I asked their most learned specialist in their -language, why the English have dropped the use of 'thou,' although no -other European nation has done so. He did not know it.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span></p> - -<p>"They study a given subject when death has driven out all life from it. -They do not trouble about language as a living organism, full of fight, -of movement, of ruses, of intrigues, of sins and graces; but only of -language when it lies motionless, a veritable corpse, on the table -of the anatomical dissector and dictionary-fiend. They do not study -a butterfly when it is in full life, flirting, pilfering, gossiping, -merrymaking; but only when it is motionless, lifeless, pierced by a -pin. This is how they get their specialities.</p> - -<p>"Death indeed is the greatest of all specialisers. As soon as a man is -dead, each hair or bone on or in his body takes up a separate line of -decay, caring nothing for the other, full of scorn for its immediate -neighbour, sulking by itself, wandering to the Styx alone and sullen.</p> - -<p>"In England they have pushed that belief in specialities to a funereal -degree. I wonder they allow a man to play one of their instruments, -called the piano, with both his hands at a time. I wonder they do not -insist that a given piece by Chopin be played by two men, one of whom -should first play the part for the right hand, and afterwards the -other man the part for the left hand. To play both parts at a time, -and to have that done by one single man too,—what presumption! How -superficial!</p> - -<p>"In law they have long acted in this sense. There is one man, called -the solicitor (—a very good name—), who plays the bass, or left-hand -part with a vengeance, for several weeks. When that is done; when the -'hearer' or client lies prostrate on the ground from the infernal noise -made by the solicitor's<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span> music, the solicitor hands over the whole case -to the other man, the barrister, who plays the most tortuous treble, in -a manner likely to madden Pan himself.</p> - -<p>"The idea, accepted by all the other nations of Europe, that the whole -prejudicial business of a legal contention might very well be left to -one man, to a lawyer proper,—what presumption! How superficial!</p> - -<p>"But when you tell them that they browbeat their own principle of -specialisation by taking their judges from amongst late barristers, -then they wax into an august anger. Yet no other nation does that. The -function of a judge is radically different from that of a barrister. -After a man has been a barrister for twenty years; after all his mind -has taken the creases and folds of barristerdom; after he has quite -specialised himself in that particular line, he is unlikely to have the -best qualities of a judge. If a barrister cannot be a solicitor; why -should he be at once, and suddenly able to become judge?</p> - -<p>"Their arguments to that effect are most amusing. They dance a real -war-dance round the truth that they mean to scalp.</p> - -<p>"The truth of course is that all the three have one and the same -speciality: that of running England. That country is lawyer-ridden, as -Egypt was priest-ridden, or Babylonia scribe-ridden. The English being -too proud to be stingy or petty in money matters, do not mind their -rulers, the solicitors-barristers-judges, because these deprive them -eventually only of what the English do not hold in great esteem, small -sums of money. In France, where people cling fanatically to a penny, -the barristers have not been allowed to become judges.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span> In France -specialisation in law has triumphed, where in England it has failed.</p> - -<p>"Does that not show that specialisation is done, not in obedience to -the behests of truth, but to those of interests?</p> - -<p>"We Hellenes specialised on small city-states; we did not want to -widen out indefinitely into huge states; just because we wanted to -give each citizen a chance of coining out all his human capital, and -not to become, like our slaves, a limited specialist. In a huge state -specialisation becomes inevitable. In such states they must, more or -less, sterilise the human capital of millions of citizens, just as we -Hellenes sterilised the political capital of thousands of slaves.</p> - -<p>"Specialisation <i>is</i> enslaving, if not downright slavery. It furthers -truth very little; it cripples man.</p> - -<p>"Just as a man who talks several languages well, will write his own -idiom better than do his less accomplished compatriots; even so the -man who keeps his mind open to more than one aspect of things, to more -than one 'speciality' will be by far more efficient than his less -broad-minded colleagues. Man may and shall invent, as I have long -predicted it, highly specialised machines doing the work of the weaver, -or the baker. But he himself must not become a machine. This is what -happens 'now,' as the little ones say all over Europe and America.</p> - -<p>"Not only have they formed states with many, many millions of -people each. Worse than that, they have agglomerated the majority -of these millions into a few towns of unwieldy size. In those towns -specialisation is carried into every fibre of men and women. This -desiccates them, disemotions them,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span> sterilises them. We Hellenes gladly -admit that the Europeans of the last four centuries have excelled us in -one art: in music. But their period for this exceeding excellence is -now gone.</p> - -<p>"By over-specialisation of thought and heart, caused chiefly by -over-urbanisation, the very wells of music begin to dry up. The music -of the day is hysterical, neurasthenic, and false. It is the cry, -not of an aching heart, but of an aching tooth, of a gouty toe, or a -rheumatic nerve. It does not weep; it coughs phthisically. It does not -sigh; it sneezes. It is a blend of what we used to call Phrygian and -Corybantic rhapsodies.</p> - -<p>"And as in music, even so in character. Where each individual distorts -himself or herself into a narrow speciality, there people must needs -become as angular, lop-sided, and grotesque as possible. They are, when -together in a room, like the words on a page of a dictionary: they have -nothing to communicate to one another. There they stand, each in his -cage, uncommunicative, sulky, and forbidding. One thinks in F major; -the other in F sharp minor. Harmony amongst them is impossible. Every -one of them is hopelessly right in every one of his ideas; and of all -mental processes, that of doubt or hesitation in judgment is the last -they practise.</p> - -<p>"A specialist does not doubt. Why should he? To him the most -complicated things human appear as mere specialities, that is, as mere -fragments. A woman is only a specialist in parturition. A physician -is only a specialist in writing Latin words on small slips of paper. -A barrister is only a man who wears neither moustache nor beard. A -clergyman is practically a collar buttoning behind, and supported by<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span> a -sort of man inside it. In that way everything is so simplified that no -difficulty of comprehending it remains.</p> - -<p>"All this clearly proves, O Empedocles, how right and, at the same -time, how wrong you were in your view of the origin of things. Perhaps -you were right in saying that the parts or organs of our bodies arose -singly, or, as it were, as specialists. In times long before us there -arose, as you taught, heads without necks; arms wandering alone in -space; eyes, without foreheads, roaming about by themselves. But -when you say that all this happened only at the beginning of things, -you are, I take it, sorely mistaken. Indeed it is still going on in -countries where specialism reigns supreme; at anyrate it is going on -in the moral world. In such countries you still see arms wandering -alone in space, or eyes roaming about without foreheads, as well as -heads without brains flying about in space. Not literally, of course. -But what else is a character-specialist cultivating exclusively <i>one</i> -quality of the human soul than an arm wandering about alone? The little -ones must come back to the Hellenic idea of seeing things as a whole, -and not, as do wretched flies, as mere chips of things."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The divine Assembly had listened deferentially to the great sage. Zeus -now charged Hermes to fetch some of the masterpieces from the room -called the <i>Tribuna</i> at the Uffizi in Florence. Hermes, aided by<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span> a -number of nymphs, fetched them and, placing them in the midst of the -Assembly, exhibited their perfect beauty to the gods and heroes. This -refreshed their souls sickened with the story of the serfdom of modern -over-specialism.</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span></p> - - - - -<p class="ph2a"><a name="THE_SECOND_NIGHT" id="THE_SECOND_NIGHT">THE SECOND NIGHT</a></p> - -<p class="center">DIOGENES AND PLATO ON TOLSTOY, IBSEN, SHAW, ETC.</p> - - -<p>On the second night the Olympians assembled at Pompeii. It was a balmy, -starry night. The ruins of the old town, white in their marble dresses, -shone with a spectral brightness against the mountains, bays, and -meadows surrounding them. From Stabiæ and Gragnano opposite one could -hear the pipe of Pan and the laughter of his nymphs, and on the dark -water there were magic boats carrying Circe and her maids to their blue -grotto in Capri. Selene sent her mildest rays over the scene, and grass -and stone were as if steeped in silvery dreams. The place selected for -the meeting was the amphitheatre. At a move of Zeus' right hand the -seats and alleys, which had long since disappeared under the pressure -of the ugly lava, rose from the ground. The orchestra and stage took -up their old shape, and the whole graceful space with its incomparable -view was again full of beauty, comfort, and pleasurableness. Zeus, and -his wife Juno, sat down on the central seat, and around them the other -gods and heroes. When everyone had found his or her seat, Zeus spake: -"We have heard with much contentment the experiences of Aristotle in -the country which the little ones below call England. We should now -like to hear something about the theatres in that strange<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span> land. If -life itself is so uncommon and funny in that part of the non-Grecian -world, their theatre, reflecting life, must be unusually entertaining. -Perhaps you Aristotle, as the most renowned critic of poetry and the -drama, will be good enough to give us an idea of the thing they call -drama in England."</p> - -<p>Whereupon Aristotle rose from his seat, and treated the immortals to -a sight which no one had as yet enjoyed: he smiled. And smilingly he -said to the almighty son of Kronos, ruler of the world: "O Zeus, your -wish is a behest, and if you insist I will of course obey. But pray, -kindly consider that I have, with your consent, withheld from these -people, who call themselves moderns, and who might better be called -<i>afterlings</i>, the second book of my 'Poetics,' in which I treat of -the comedy, the farce, the burlesque, and similar <i>phlyakes</i>, as we -term them. If now I should reveal my thoughts on the <i>phlyakes</i> of -the English, several of their sophists, whom they call University -professors, might still add to the lava which my commentators have -spurted out upon my works, just as we see here the lava of angry -Vesuvius cover the beauteous fields in and around Pompeii.</p> - -<p>"May I propose the proper person to entertain us about that sort of -comedy of the English which, at present, is more or less generally -considered to be their most valuable dramatic output? If so," Aristotle -continued at a sign from Zeus, "I propose him who over there at the -right entrance of the stage lies carelessly on the ground and seems -to heed us as little as in his time he heeded the Athenians and the -Corinthians." Aristotle, raising his hand, pointed<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span> to the shabby, -untidy figure of Diogenes. When the gods and heroes heard the name -and looked at the person of the Cynic, they all burst out in immortal -laughter, and the sea, catching the gay ripple, laughed as far as -Sorrento.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Diogenes, without moving from his position, and putting one of his -legs comfortably on one of the low statues of a satyr, turned his head -towards Zeus and exclaimed: "Verily, I tell you, you only confirm me in -my old belief, that there is nothing sadder than laughter. Why should -you laugh? Are we not here to enjoy ourselves? Is not this lovely spot -one where even we might and ought to feel perfectly happy? Why, then, -laugh? I mean, of course, laugh at me.</p> - -<p>"I <i>do</i> pooh-pooh all your glories. Olympus to me is not a whit more -agreeable than my tub at Corinth. This is, you understand, the reason -of my predilection for the English. They, alone of all these Europeans, -live at least for five seconds each day in a tub.</p> - -<p>"I also pooh-pooh your feasts, your ambrosia and nectar. For having -passed a few months in a large village they call London, I have so -completely lost my palate and taste, that for the next two thousand -years, at anyrate, I shall not be able to distinguish nectar from stale -ale, nor ambrosia from cabbage.</p> - -<p>"Yes, I still pooh-pooh, disdain and neglect most of the things that -you and your worshippers hold in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span> great esteem. Alcibiades raved about -the beauty of women now limping about in the various cities of the -barbarians, and more particularly in the towns of the English. A woman! -A mere woman! What is the good of a woman unless one is rid of her? I -still think what I used to teach, that between a man and a woman there -is only a slight difference, one that is scarcely worth considering.</p> - -<p>"You may laugh until Vesuvius again vomits scorn upon you, but I tell -you here, at Pompeii, what I used to tell everybody at Corinth: your -glories are all gone, or ought to go. Just look at Venus. There she -sits displaying to eager-looking Pans and Sileni the loveliness of her -head and neck and figure. But what does it mean after all? Repentance -and wormwood. Look at Ares—(Mars). Does he not look as if he ruled -the world? Does he not behave as if all great things were achieved -through and by him? And what is it in reality? Mere butchery—cowardly -butchery. You laugh; of course, you do. But I mean to show you that all -that I have ever taught is nothing less than strictly true; the only -truth; truth the one.</p> - -<p>"Aristotle, in pointing me out as the person who can best tell you -what this new Shavian drama of England really is; Aristotle, I say, -may have acted with malice. He has, nevertheless, acted with great -wisdom. I am indeed the only man out of the world (there is none in -it), who does clearly and fully understand my little disciple who calls -himself Bernard Shaw. Of the other friends and admirers of his, he -might very well say what that great German philosopher Hegel said in -his last moments: 'One man alone has understood me well,—and even<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span> he -misunderstood me entirely.' He might with reference to my Cynic lady -friend Hipparchia also say: 'One man alone understood me well,—and she -was a woman.'</p> - -<p>"The fact is, Shaw, the son of Pooh-Pooh, is simply a goody disciple -of my school, of the Cynics. When I was still within that mortal -coil which men call skin and flesh, I did take all my sputterings -and utterings very seriously, or as they say in cultured Mayfair: -'<i>Oh grant serio</i>.' I really thought, as undoubtedly thinks my brave -disciple in London, that my criticism of social, political, or -religious things went deep into the essence of all that maintains -Society, the State, and the Temples. Good old Plato, it is true, hinted -at my vanity and conceit more than once, and I still feel the sting of -his remark when once, soaked all through by the rain, I was surrounded -by pitying folk: 'If you want to feel pity for Diogenes,' Plato said, -'then leave him alone.'</p> - -<p>"But I then did not heed any satire directed against me, being fully -occupied with satirising others all day long. However, since that time, -and since I have been given a corner in the palace of the immortals, -lying on one of the steps like a dog, as that Italian dauber, whom they -call Raphael, painted me in his 'School of Athens' (—a fresco which -might be much better had Raphael wisely chosen his age and appeared as -a Præ-Raphaelite—); ever since I have learnt a great deal, not only -about others, but also about myself.</p> - -<p>"While you superior people drink nectar and partake of ambrosia, I -enjoy with infinite zest the malicious pleasure of studying the capers, -antics, and poses<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span> of my posthumous selfs, the Diogeneses of that -speck on the mirror of eternity which the little ones below call 'our -time.' Could anything be more amusing to a Cynic of about twenty-two -centuries' standing like myself, who has heard and taught all the most -nerve-rasping eccentricities imaginable, than to hear Tolstoy, Shaw, -Ibsen, and <i>tutti quanti</i>, teach with thunderous ponderosity, and -with penurious fulguration their doctrines as the latest and hitherto -unheard-of delivery of the human or inhuman mind? I beg to assure you -it is excruciatingly funny. But I feel I must tell you the whole story -in due order. It happened thus.</p> - -<p>"I learnt from Momus that another posthumous self of mine had arisen -and, accordingly, I forthwith repaired to the place called London. -(By the way, it is a queer place. It is neither a village, nor a -town; neither a country, nor a desert; it is something of all, and -much of neither.) In one of the streets I saw an inscription over a -door—'Agency for amusements, theatres, blue bands, green bands, etc.' -I did not quite understand what blue bands had to do with amusement, -but I entered.</p> - -<p>"Behind the counter was a middle-aged man working busily at papers. I -addressed him: 'Be cheerful!'</p> - -<p>"He looked at me in a curious fashion, evidently doubting the sanity -of my mind. As a matter of fact, after a little while I could not help -seeing that he was right. How <i>could</i> I imagine him to be cheerful?</p> - -<p>"I asked him for the means of seeing a theatrical piece by Shaw. He -offered a ticket, and wanted to know my name. I said 'Diogenes.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span></p> - -<p>"He became impatient, and said: 'Diogenes—which? I mean, your family -name?'</p> - -<p>"'I have no other name,' I said; 'don't you know, I am Diogenes who cut -Alexander the Great?'</p> - -<p>"'Alexander the Great?' he said—'Why, I only know of a tailor, called -Alexander the Great. Do you mean to tell me you cut him?'</p> - -<p>"'No,' I said; 'I do not. I mean Alexander, King of Macedon.'</p> - -<p>"Whereupon he contemptuously said: 'I never heard of the gentleman, -and if he was a king of Macedon he has made a jolly fine mess of his -country—just read about the Macedonian question in to-day's <i>Daily -Telegraph</i>.' I wanted to ask him whether he was perchance Professor of -History, but other people came in, and so I left.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>"On the same evening I was shown the way to a theatre, and I understood -that the piece given was <i>Arms and the Man</i>. I enjoyed myself immensely.</p> - -<p>"It is all very well to share the pleasures of Olympus with the gods. -Yet, by all the Graces, whenever I hear or read reminiscences of my -early youth, those unforgettable events and ideas of the time when -I walked in the streets of Athens in the wake of my revered master -Antisthenes, it gives me a thrill of pleasure,—I might almost say, a -new shiver.</p> - -<p>"Just fancy, here I was sitting in far-off Britannia,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span> over two -thousand years after my mortal existence, listening to an oration—of -Antisthenes, my master, which we used to call 'Kyros.' I see very well, -O Ares, you remember the famous oration directed against you, against -all the glories of War, because even now you frown on me, and I must -ask Venus to keep you in check. I have received too many a whipping -while I was at Athens and Corinth—pray let me in peace here in our -temporary Olympus.</p> - -<p>"At present, as you well know, I have quite changed my ideas about war, -and much as I may have disliked you before, at present I know that -Apollo, Venus, you Ares, and Dionysus keep all mortal things agoing. -But let us amuse ourselves with the contemplation of an oration of -Antisthenes in modern Britannic.</p> - -<p>"Antisthenes hated war so much that he attacked the greatest and least -doubted military glory of the Athenians, their victories over the -Persians. He attacked it with serious arguments, he sneered at it, he -tried to reduce it to a mere sham. Did Antisthenes not say, that the -victory of the Athenians over the Persians at Salamis would have been -something admirable, had the Persians excelled the Athenians in point -of virtue and capability? For in that case the Athenians would have -proved even more virtuous and more capable. However, the Persians, -Antisthenes elaborately proves, were altogether inferior. Nor did they -have a true king, Xerxes being a mere sham king with a high and richly -jewelled cap on his head, sitting on a golden throne, like a doll. -Had Xerxes not to whip his soldiers into battle? What, then, is the -glory of the Athenians? None! Salamis, like all battles,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span> was a mere -butchery, and soldiers are mere cowards, beating inferiors and running -away from superiors. So far Antisthenes.</p> - -<p>"The Britannic version of Antisthenes' sally against war, soldiers, and -the whole of the military spirit, I found comical in the extreme. 'Well -done' I repeatedly exclaimed within myself, when I saw the old capers -of the Cynics of my mortal time brought up again for the consumption of -people who had never heard of Cynics. That man Shaw out-Cynics many a -Cynic. He brings upon the stage a number of persons, each of whom is, -in turn, a good soul first, and then a viper; an enthusiast, and then a -liar; a virtue, and then vice itself.</p> - -<p>"Take the girl Raina. She begins by being ideal and enthusiastic; -ideal, because she is pure, young, and in love with her own <i>fiancé</i>; -enthusiastic, because she is in raptures over the military glory of -her <i>fiancé</i>, as would be in all truth and reality a hundred out of -each hundred girls in most countries of the sub-Shavian world. Not the -slightest inkling or fact is indicated that she is not pure, ideal, -or genuinely enthusiastic. In the next scene she is suddenly made out -to be a vicious girl, a coldly calculating minx, and we are given to -understand that she has had no end of general and particular adventures -behind her, as she hopes to have a good many in front of her.</p> - -<p>"Why? Why are we now to assume or believe that Raina of yesterday is -not Raina of to-day? Where is the motive, I asked myself with grim -satisfaction with the brave Cynicism of the author. Why? Simply, for -nothing. The comedy as such does not require it; no fact alleged to -have happened,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span> substantiates it; no situation growing out of the piece -makes it a dramatic necessity. It is done simply and exclusively, in -true Cynic fashion, for the sake of ridiculing a person that began by -being enthusiastic for War.</p> - -<p>"It is the old story of the ugly sorceress in the child's book of -fables. 'If you praise the beauty of yonder little girl in the garden, -I will transform you into a guinea-pig; and if you still continue -doing so, I will make an old cock of you.' Even so Raina is changed -into a viper, a liar, a dissimulator, a senseless changer of lovers, -an—anything, without the slightest inner coherence, or what the -philosophers call, psychological connection.</p> - -<p>"The same old witch's wand is used, with the freedom of a clown, with -regard to the <i>fiancé</i> of Raina, the young military hero. He had by a -bold cavalry charge captured a battery or two of the enemy's artillery. -How can he be forgiven such an execrable deed? How dare he succeed? -Out with the old sauce of Antisthenes! It is, of course, exceedingly -stale by this time. But the English, it appears, are so thoroughly -used to stale sauces. They will not notice it at all. And thus all the -threadbare arguments of Antisthenes are dished up again. I jubilated in -my pride.</p> - -<p>"The <i>fiancé</i>, Sergius, took the batteries of cannon because, we are -told, by a mistake of their commander, they were—not charged. How -witty! How clever! Antisthenes merely said that the Persians were much -inferior to the Athenians, so the latter easily got the better of the -former. But this twentieth-century dapper little Cynic goes one better. -He says, as it were, the Persians had no<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span> weapons to strike with. Who -would have thought of such an ingenious satire?</p> - -<p>"Please, Hermes (Mercury), do not interrupt me! I know very well what -you mean to say. In all actions of men, victory depends more on the -shortcomings of their rivals and competitors than on their own genius. -It is no special feature of military victories. Of two grocers in the -same street, one succeeds mainly because the other is neglectful and -unbusinesslike. Of two dramatists in the same country, one succeeds -because he gives the people what <i>they</i> want, and not, as does the -other, what dramatic Art wants. And so forth <i>ad infinitum</i>.</p> - -<p>"But my Cynical Shavian does not heed these inconsistencies; he knows -the public will not notice them. He wants simply to ridicule War, and -the whole military spirit. Accordingly out with the witch's wand, and -let us change the hero first into a whimpering calf, and then suddenly -into a lewd he-goat, and then, for no reason whatever, into the most -mendacious magpie flying about, and finally into a little mouse caught -in a trap laid by a kitchen-maid. For this is precisely what happens to -the hero Sergius.</p> - -<p>"Returning from war, he is sick of it with a nauseating sea-sickness. -Why? Unknown; or, as Herbert Spencer, the next best replica of -Antisthenes in Britannia, would have said, <i>unknowable</i>.</p> - -<p>"Sergius is sentimentally idiotic about the nullity of his military -glory. A few moments later he cannot resist the rustic beauties of a -kitchen-maid, one minute after he had disentangled himself out of the -embraces of his beautiful, young, and worshipped<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span> <i>fiancé</i>. The he-goat -is upon him. Why? Unknown, unknowable.</p> - -<p>"Here in our fourth dimension we know very well (do we not, Ares?) that -soldiers have done similar <i>escapades</i>? But have barristers done less? -Have all solicitors proved bosom-proof? Has no dramatist ever been -sorely tempted by buxomness and vigorous development of youthful flesh? -One wonders.</p> - -<p>"Why then bring up such stuff, without the slightest reason, without -the slightest need, internal or external? But the soldier, do you not -see, must be run down. He must be ridiculed. It must be shown that he -is only a cowardly mouse caught in the trap laid for him by that very -kitchen-maid whom at first he treats merely as a well-ordered mass of -tempting flesh, and whom in the end he—marries.</p> - -<p>"This trait is delicious. I have frequently been in Mysia, or what -these people now call Bulgaria, where Shaw's scene is laid. The idea of -a Bulgarian gentleman of the highest standing marrying a kitchen-maid -gave me a fit of laughter. In eccentric England a high-born gentleman -may very well marry a barmaid. In Bulgaria a nobleman will no more -marry a servant-girl than his own mother. He has known too many of -them; he can study her carefully, encyclopædically, without marrying -her in the least. For, <i>she</i> will never love <i>him</i>.</p> - -<p>"Of course, my acolyte full well knows that the English are not at all -conversant with any nation south of Dover Straits, and that one may -tell them anything one pleases about nations other than themselves, -They will believe it. And so Sergius<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span> marries the girl by the same -necessity that a mouse may be said to have married the trap into which -it drops.</p> - -<p>"Is not this fun indeed? To call marrying what simple people call -getting morally insane? How clever! How bright!</p> - -<p>"This is precisely what we Cynics used to do in ancient Greece. We -turned humanity inside out, and then I walked in day-time in the -streets with a lamp in my hand in search of a normal man, of a human -being. If you vitriole a person's face or character first, how can you -expect him to have unscathed features? But that is precisely the point -with us Cynics. We take human nature; we then vitriole it out of all -shape, and afterwards cry out in sheer indignation, 'How awful!' 'How -absurd!' This reminds me of my lawyer pupil who once, in the defence of -a fellow who had murdered his parents, pathetically exclaimed to the -jury: 'And finally, gentlemen, have pity on this poor, orphaned boy!'</p> - -<p>"Not content with Sergius, another 'type' of soldier is dragged up to -the stage; a Swiss. Now I do not here mean to repeat our old Greek -jokes about people similar to the Swiss, such as the Paphlagonians or -Cilicians. I will only remark that the French, who have for over four -hundred years had intimate knowledge of the Swiss, put the whole of -Swiss character into the famous <i>mot</i>: 'Which animal resembles a human -being most?' Answer: 'A Swiss.'</p> - -<p>"From a Swiss you may expect anything. He talks three languages; all in -vile German. He is to his beautiful country like a wart on a perfect -face.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span> In the midst of paradise he is worse than a Prussian yokel born -in the dreary heaths of North Germany. He is a Swiss. He has been a -mercenary soldier to Popes and Lutheran princes alike. His aim was -money; is money; will always be nothing but money. He sells his blood -as he does the milk of his cows, by the <i>litre</i> or the <i>decilitre</i>; -preferably by the latter. He likes war well enough; but he prefers -truces and cessation of arms. He thinks the best part of death is the -avoidance thereof. He is, when a mercenary, a military Cynic.</p> - -<p>"I like him dearly; he does me honour. Whenever I see him on the grand -staircase in the Vatican, I grin 'way down in my heart. Here is a Cynic -dressed up like a parrot in gorgeous plumage. Diogenes in Rococo-dress! -It is intensely amusing.</p> - -<p>"Now this Swiss is made by Shaw a 'type' of a soldier. This is quite -in accordance with the procedure of the Cynical School. First, all -real soldierly qualities are vitrioled out of the man by making -him a Swiss mercenary; and then he is shown up in all his callous -indifference to Right, Love, or Justice; which is tantamount to saying -'a distinguished Belgian lady patrolling Piccadilly after midnight.' -That Swiss mercenary proves no more against the worth of soldiers, -than that Belgian woman proves anything in disgrace of the women of -Belgium. If Shaw's figure proves anything, it proves the worthlessness -of mercenaries in general, and of Swiss mercenaries in particular. That -is, it proves something quite different from what it means to prove. -This too is arch-Cynical. Why, who knows it better than I, that we -Cynics were not infrequently instrumental in bringing about the very -reverse of what<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span> we were aiming at? But the more perverse, the better -the fun.</p> - -<p>"And the fun is excellent beyond words. It is, in fact, as grim as the -grimmest Welshman. On my way home from the theatre I thought of it, -and started laughing in the street with such violence that a policeman -wanted to take me to the station. The grimness of the fun was this: -inquiring about the author, I learnt that he was an Irishman. I had -no sooner made sure of the truth of this statement than I could not -control myself for laughter.</p> - -<p>"An Irishman reviling war, and soldiers, and the military spirit! How -unutterably grim,—how unspeakably grimy! The Irish, endowed by nature -with gifts of the body as well as the mind incomparably superior to -those of the English, have made the most atrocious failure of their -history, of their possibilities, of their chances, for that one and -only reason, that they never found means of character and endurance -to fight for their rights and hopes in bitter and unrelenting wars. -Not having made a single effort in any way comparable to the sustained -armed resistance of the Scotch, the Dutch, the Hungarians, or the -Boers, in the course of over three hundred years, they have fallen -under the yoke of a nation whom they detest. This naturally demoralised -them, as it demoralises a mere husband when he is yoked to a hated -wife. Being demoralised, they have never, oh never, reached that -balance of internal powers without which nothing great can be achieved. -The English with lesser powers, being undemoralised, got their powers -into far greater balance. So did the Scot through sustained, reckless -fighting for their ideals. Hence the misery of the Irish, who are<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span> -like their fairies, enchanting, but fatal to themselves and to others; -unbalanced, unsteady in mind and resolution to a sickening degree; -fickle, and resembling altogether sweet kisses from one's lady-love -intermingled with knocks in the face from one's vilest creditors.</p> - -<p>"Their recoiling from making resolute war on the enemy being the great -cause of the failure of the Irish, what can be more grimly Cynical than -an Irishman's indignation at all that appertains to war? We Cynics -always do that. Moderation having been the soul of all things Hellenic, -we Cynics told the Greeks that the one fatal excess that man can commit -is moderation. Of music we taught that its only beauties are in the -pauses; and of man we held that he is perfect only by making himself -into a beast.</p> - -<p>"We taught people to contemplate everything in a convex mirror and then -to fall foul of the image so distorted. This the idlers and the mob -greatly admire. They deem it marvellous originality. And what can be -nearer to the origin of new things than to take man and nature always -in the last agonising stage of final decomposition?</p> - -<p>"In my own dramas I did all that with a vengeance; so did Crates, my -revered colleague. What was a plot to us? What does a plot matter? -The other day when I sauntered through the Champs Elysées of Paris, I -overheard a conversation between little girls playing at ladies. By -Antisthenes, that was the real model of the plot and dialogue of all -Cynic dramas!</p> - -<p>"Said one little girl to the other: 'How are you, madame?'</p> - -<p>"'Thanks,' said the other, 'very well. I am watching my children.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span></p> - -<p>"'How many have you?'</p> - -<p>"'Seventy-five, please.'</p> - -<p>"'And how old are you?'</p> - -<p>"'Twenty years, madame.'</p> - -<p>"'And how is your husband?'</p> - -<p>"'<i>Y pensez-vous?</i> My husband? Fancy that! Why, I have none!'</p> - -<p>"This is precisely the plot and dialogue in Shaw's <i>Candida</i>.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>"I enjoyed <i>Candida</i> so intensely; I could have kissed the author. How -entirely like my own dramas! How closely modelled on the dialogue of -the little girls!</p> - -<p>"A husband of forty, vigorous, brave, honest, hard-working in a noble -cause, loving and loved, father of two children, befriends a boy of -eighteen, who is as wayward and conceited and inconsistent as only -boys of eighteen can be. That boy suddenly tells the husband that he, -the boy, loved Candida, the wife of the said husband. The boy, not -satisfied with this amenity, becomes intolerably impudent, and the -husband, acting on his immediate and just sentiment, wants to throw him -out of the house.</p> - -<p>"But this is too much of what ninety-nine out of a hundred husbands -would do. So instead of kicking the impertinent lad into the street, -the husband—invites him to lunch.</p> - -<p>"I was so afraid the husband would in the end bundle the youth out of -the room. To my intense<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span> delight the author did not forget the rules of -the Cynic drama, and the boy remained for lunch.</p> - -<p>"Bravo! Bravo! I secretly hoped the husband would solemnly charge -the interesting youth to fit Candida with the latest corset. To my -amazement that did not take place. But yet there was some relief for me -in store: the husband invites the boy to pass the evening with his wife -alone.</p> - -<p>"This is, of course, precisely what most husbands would do.</p> - -<p>"This is what another disciple of mine in Paris (a man called Anatole, -and misnamed France), did do in an even worse case. In Anatole's story, -the husband arrives in the most inopportune moment that a forgetful -wife can dread. He looks at the scene with much self-control, takes up -the <i>Petit Parisien</i> lying on the floor, and withdraws gracefully into -another room, there to make sundry reflections on the <i>Petit Parisien</i> -and on the 'Petite Parisienne.'</p> - -<p>"How classically Cynical! How Bion, Metrocles, Menippus, and all the -rest of our sect would have enjoyed that! Here is a true comedy! Here -is something truly realistic, and realistically true. That's why -Anatole is so much admired by Englishmen. He too is, as we Cynics have -been called, a philosopher of the proletariate.</p> - -<p>"Much, O Zeus, as I enjoy the honour and pleasure of being allowed -to crouch on one of the steps of your divine halls, I do also keenly -appreciate the pleasure of meeting my disciples of the hour. One of -these next days I will ask Momus to invite Tolstoy, Ibsen, Shaw, -Anatole, and a few others to a lunch, to meet me in a Swiss hotel. -Plato, you better come and listen behind a screen. You might<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span> perhaps -improve upon your <i>Gorgias</i> in which dialogue you attempt to sketch -the superman and super-cynic. Ibsen will stammer and jerk his best -in deathly hatred of all Authority. Shaw will pinprick to death the -foundations of Marriage and Family. Anatole will try to upset, by -throwing little mud-pellets at them, ideal figures such as Joan of -Arc" (—Diogenes had barely uttered this name, when Zeus and all the -other gods rose from their seats, and bowed towards Pallas Athene, who -held Joan in her holy arms—). "Tolstoy, with a penny trumpet in his -toothless mouth, will bray against war; Oh, it will be glorious.</p> - -<p>"Of course, by this time I know very well that the controlling -principle of all mundane and supramundane things is Authority. As we -here all bow to Zeus, so mortals must always bow to some authority. -Nothing more evident can be imagined nor shown. It is the broadest -result of all history, of all experience. Just because this is so, and -unmistakably so, my disciples must naturally say the reverse. They -do not look at facts by a microscope or a telescope; they telescope -train-loads of facts into a mass of pulverised debris.</p> - -<p>"Instead of saying that in England, through her social caste system, -there are many, too many, <i>parvenus</i> or tactless upstarts, my disciples -must say: 'The greatness of England is owing to her tactlessness.' This -is the real merchandise which I sold at Corinth over two thousand years -ago.</p> - -<p>"Tolstoy thunders against War. I wonder he does not thunder against -mothers' breasts feeding their babies. Why, War made everything that -is worth having. First of all, it made Peace. With<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span>out war there is no -peace; there is only stagnation. The greater the ideal, the greater the -price we have to pay for it. And since we always crave for the sublime -ideals of Liberty, Honour, Wealth, Power, Beauty, and Knowledge, we -must necessarily pay the highest price for it—ourselves, our lives -in war. There is no Dante without the terrible wars of the Guelfs and -the Ghibellines. There could have been no ideal superman like Raphael -without the counter-superman called Cesare Borgia. It is only your -abominable Philistine who squeaks: 'Oh, we might have many a nice slice -from the ham of Ideals without paying too dearly for it.' What do you -think of that, Hercules? Did you win Hebe by avoiding conflicts and -disasters?"</p> - -<p>Hercules groaned deeply and looked first at his battered club and -then at charming Hebe. The gods laughed aloud and Apollo, taking up -his lyre, intoned a grand old Doric song in praise of the heroes of -war who, by their valour, had prepared the <i>palæstra</i> for the heroes -of thought and beauty. He was soon joined by a thousand harmonious -voices from the temple of Isis, and from his own majestic sanctuary at -Pompeii. Vesuvius counterpointed the lithe song with his deep bass; -and, with Dionysus at the head of them, Pan and the nymphs came wafting -through the air, strewing buds of melodies on to the Olympian wreaths -of tones sung by Phœbus Apollo in praise of War.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>When the song had subsided, Zeus, in a voice full of serenity and -benign music, addressed the gods and heroes as follows: "We are very -much beholden to Diogenes for his bright and amusing story of the -Cynical ants that at present run about the woods and cottages of men, -biting each other and their friends. Their epigrams and other eccentric -utterances can affect none of us here assembled. You very well know -that I have not allowed Apollo, or Reason to reign alone and unaided by -Unreason, or Dionysus. The Cynical critics of men want to bring about -the Age of Reason, or as these presumptuous half-knowers call it, the -Age of Science. This, I have long since laid down, shall never be.</p> - -<p>"At the gate of the Future, at Delphi, Apollo is associated with -Dionysus, and so it has been ever since I came to rule this Universe. -Just as good music consists of tones and rhythms, and again of the -cessation of all sound, or of measured pauses; even so my Realm -consists of Reason, and of the cessation of all Reason, or of Unreason. -The Cynics who ignore the latter, misjudge the former. This, I take it, -is perfectly clear to all of us.</p> - -<p>"But while we here may laugh at the bites of the Cynical ants below, -we do not mean to state that in their occupation there is no point, no -utility at all. These little ants may be, and undoubtedly are largely -sterile mockers. Yet even I have experienced it on myself that the -effects of their doings are not always sterile."</p> - -<p>And leaning back on his chryselephantine chair, Zeus lowered his voice -and said almost in a whisper: "See, friends, why do we meet here in -lonely places, in a dead town, during the mysterious hours of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span> night? -You know very well who and what has prevailed upon me to choose this -temporary darkening of our blissful life."</p> - -<p>At this moment there came from the rushes near the sea a plaintive song -accompanied by a flute, and a voice of a human sobbed out the cry: -"Pan, the Great Pan is dead!"</p> - -<p>A sudden silence fell over the divine Assembly. A cloud of deep sadness -seemed to hover over all.</p> - -<p>The three Graces then betook themselves to dancing, and their beauteous -movements and poses so exhilarated the Assembly, that the former -serenity was soon re-established.</p> - -<p>Zeus now turned to Plato, calling upon him to give his opinion on the -Cynics. Zeus reminded Plato that hitherto the Cynics had been treated -by him merely incidentally, mostly by hidden allusions to Antisthenes, -or by witty remarks on Diogenes. At present Plato might help the gods -to pass agreeably the rest of the beautiful night by telling them in -connection and fulness what really the ultimate purport of these modern -Cynics, Shavian or other is going to be. Everybody turned his or her -face towards Plato, who rose from his seat, and bowing, with a smile, -towards Diogenes, thus addressed Zeus and the Assembly of gods and -heroes at Pompeii:</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>"It is quite true that in my writings I have not devoted any explicit -discussion to the views and tenets of the Cynics. They appeared to -me at that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span> time far too grotesque to be worth more than a passing -consideration. Of their dramas I had, and still have a very poor -opinion. From what I hear from Diogenes, the modern imitators of Cynic -dramatists are not a whit better. In addition to all their wearying -eccentricities, they add the most unbearable eccentricity of all, to -wit, that their dramas and comedies represent a new departure within -dramatic literature.</p> - -<p>"Shaw's dramas are no more dramas than his Swiss, in <i>Arms and the -Man</i>, is a soldier; or his clergyman in <i>Candida</i> a husband, or a man. -His pieces are not dramatic in the least; they do not exhibit the most -elementary qualities of a comedy. For, whatever the definition of a -comedy may be, one central quality can never be missing in it: the -persons presented must be types of human beings.</p> - -<p>"Shaw's persons are no humans whatever. They are <i>homunculi</i> concocted -in a chemical laboratory of pseudo-science and false psychology. They -crack, from time to time, brave jokes; so do clowns in a circus. That -alone does not make a wax figure into a human.</p> - -<p>"There may be very interesting comic scenes amongst bees, wasps, or -beavers; but we cannot appreciate them. We can only appreciate human -comicality, even when it is presented to us in the shape of dialogues -between animals, as Aristophanes, the fabulists, and so many other -writers have done.</p> - -<p>"Who would care to sit through a comedy showing the comic aspects of -life in a Bedlam? If madmen have humour, as undoubtedly they have, we -do not want to see it on a public stage. The fact that it is a madman's -humour deprives it of all humour.</p> - -<p>"Hedda Gabler can appeal to no sound taste.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span> One never sees why she is -so fearfully unhappy. If she is not in love with her husband, let her -work in the house, in the kitchen, in the garden; let her try to be a -mother; let her adopt a child if the gods deny her one of her own. Let -her do something. Of course, idling all day long as she does, will in -the end demoralise a poker; and far from wondering that she ends badly -at the end of the last act, one only wonders that she did not do away -with herself before the first scene of the first act. By doing so she -would have done a great service to herself, her people, and to dramatic -literature.</p> - -<p>"Of the same kind is Raina, in <i>Arms and the Man</i>. She is a doll, but -not a young girl. She has neither senses, nor sense. She is made of -cardboard, and fit only to appear in a Punch and Judy show. She is, in -common with most of the figures in the comedies of the modern Cynics, -a mere outline drawing of a human being from whose mouth hang various -slips of paper on which the author conveniently writes his <i>variorum</i> -jokes and bright sayings. All these so-called dramatic pieces will -be brushed away by the broom of Time, as happened to the dramas and -travesties of our Greek Cynics. Life eternal is given to things only -through Art, and in these writings of the Cynics, old or modern ones, -there is not the faintest trace either of one of the Graces, or of one -of the Muses.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>"Having said this much about Shaw's and the other modern Cynics' -alleged dramatic writings, I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span> hasten to add, that when we come to -consider the <i>effect</i> these so-called dramas have, and possibly will -continue to have on the mind of the public, we are bound to speak in -quite a different manner.</p> - -<p>"I have had plenty of time, since the days of my Academy at Athens, -to think out the vast difference between such works of the intellect -as aim at nothing but truth and beauty, or what we might call -<i>alethology</i>, on the one hand; and such works as aim at effect, or what -may be generally termed as <i>effectology</i>.</p> - -<p>"It is from this all-important point of view that I say that Tolstoy, -Ibsen, Shaw and the others are, <i>effectologically</i>, just as remarkable -as they are <i>alethologically</i> without much significance.</p> - -<p>"As to the latter; as to their hitting off great or new truths; as to -their being philosophers; or to put it in my terms, as to their having -any <i>alethological</i> value, Diogenes has already spoken with sufficient -clearness. Just consider this one point.</p> - -<p>"Tolstoy, as well as Shaw, wants to reform the abuses of civilisation. -In order to do so they combat with all their might the most powerful -purifier and reformer of men,—War. Can anything be more ludicrous, and -unscientific?</p> - -<p>"Who gave the modern Germans that incomparable dash and <i>élan</i>, thanks -to which they have in one generation quadrupled their commerce, doubled -their population, quintupled their wealth, and ensured their supremacy -on the Continent?</p> - -<p>"Was it done by their thinkers and scholars? The greatest of these died -before 1870.</p> - -<p>"Was it done by getting into possession of the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span> mouth of the Rhine, or -of the access to the Danish Sounds, which formerly debarred them from -the sea? They do not possess the mouth of the Rhine, nor Denmark to the -present day.</p> - -<p>"Nothing has changed in the material or intellectual world making the -Germany of to-day more advantageous for commerce or power than it had -been formerly.</p> - -<p>"Except the victorious wars of 1866 and of 1870.</p> - -<p>"Can such an evident connection of fact be overlooked? And would Russia -have introduced the Duma without the battle of Mukden? It is waste of -time even for the immortals to press this point much longer.</p> - -<p>"As in this case, so in nearly all the other cases, Cynics revile -abuses the sole remedies for which they violently combat. In their -negative attacks they brandish the keenest edges of the swords, daggers -and pins of Logic; in their positive advices they browbeat every person -in the household of logical thought.</p> - -<p>"Yet, worthless, or very nearly so, as they may be as teachers of -truth, they are powerful as writers of pamphlets. For this is what -their literature comes to. They do not write dramas, nor novels. -They can do neither the one, nor the other. But they write effective -pamphlets in the apparent form of dramas and novels.</p> - -<p>"They are pamphleteers, and not men of letters.</p> - -<p>"In that lies their undeniably great force. They instinctively choose -as eccentric, as loud, and as striking forms and draperies of ideas as -possible, so<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span> as to rouse the apathetic Philistine to an interest in -what they say. They are full of absurdities; but which of us here can -now after centuries of experience venture to make light of the power of -the absurd?</p> - -<p>"Error and Absurdity are so powerful, so necessary, so inevitable, that -Protagoras was perhaps not quite wrong in saying that Truth herself is -only a particular species of Error.</p> - -<p>"Once, many years ago, I despised the Cynics, and my own master -Socrates made light of them. But at present I think differently. When -Socrates said, with subtle sarcasm, to Antisthenes: 'I see your vanity -peeping out through the holes of your shabby garment,' Antisthenes -might have retorted to him: 'And I, O Socrates, see through these very -holes how short-sighted you are.'</p> - -<p>"For have we not lived to see that while all revere Socrates in words, -they follow the pupils of Antisthenes in deeds? The Cynics, fathered -by Antisthenes, begot the Stoics; and the Stoics were the main ferment -in the rise and spread of Christianity. Many of the sayings and -teachings and doings of the Cynics, which we at Athens made most fun -of, have long since become the sinews and fibres of Christian ideas -and institutions. There is greater similarity and mental propinquity -between Antisthenes or Diogenes and St Paul, than between Socrates and -St Augustine of Hippo.</p> - -<p>"I pray thee, O Zeus, to let us for a moment see this town of Pompeii -as it was a day before its destruction, with all its life in the -streets and the Forum, so as to give us an ocular proof of the truth of -what I just now said about the Cynics and Eccen<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span>trics of Antiquity, and -what I am going to apply to the modern Cynics, literary or other."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Thereupon Zeus, by a wave of his hand, placed the whole Assembly in the -shadow as if encircled by a vast mantle of darkness, and shed a strange -and supramundane light on the town of Pompeii, which grew up at sight -from the ground, putting on life and movement and beauty on all its -houses, narrow streets, gardens, and squares. The ancient population -filled, in ceaseless movement, every part of the charming city. Richly -dressed ladies, carried in sedan-chairs by black slaves; patricians in -spotless togas, followed by crowds of clients; magistrates preceded by -lictors; soldiers recruited from all nations; tradesmen from every part -of the Roman Empire; all these and innumerable others, visitors from -the neighbouring cities, thronged the streets, and the whole population -seemed to breathe nothing but joy and a sense of exuberant life.</p> - -<p>In one of the squares there was a hilarious crowd listening, with loud -derision and ironical applause, to a haggard, miserably clad, old -man who, addressing them in Ionian Greek, with the strong guttural -accent of the Asiatics, stood on one of the high jumping-stones of the -pavement, and spoke with fanatic fervour of the nameless sinfulness of -the people of Pompeii. With him were two or three other persons of the -same description, joining him from time to time in his imprecations -against the "doomed town."</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span></p> - -<p>The old man told them that their whole life was rotten through and -through, a permanent lie, a contradiction to itself, a sure way to -damnation. He thundered against the soldiers jeering at him in the -crowd, calling them cowards, butchers, wretches, and the sinners of all -sinners. He sneered at one of the priests of Isis present in the crowd, -telling the people that there was only one true belief, and no other.</p> - -<p>The more the old man talked, the more the crowd laughed at him; and -when a Greek philosopher, who happened to be there, interpellated and -elegantly refuted the old man in a manner approved by the rules of the -prevalent school of rhetoric and dialectics, the crowd cheered the -philosopher, and the more accomplished amongst the bystanders said to -one another: "This old man is a mere charlatan, or an impostor; it's -waste of time to take him seriously."</p> - -<p>One man alone, in the whole crowd, a shy and retiring disciple of -Apollonius of Tyana, waited until the crowd had dispersed, and then -walking up to the old man, asked him what sect of Cynics he belonged to.</p> - -<p>The old man said: "I am no Cynic; I am a Christian."</p> - -<p>Thereupon the disciple of Apollonius took the old man's hand, pressed -it with emotion, kissed him, and turning away from him, walked off, -plunged in deep thought.</p> - -<p>A minute later the supramundane light over Pompeii disappeared, and the -Assembly of the gods and heroes was again in the mild rays of Selene.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>"Can anyone here," continued Plato, "deny that that crowd together -with the philosopher was quite mistaken in their appreciation of the -eccentric old man, and that the silent pupil of Apollonius alone was -right?</p> - -<p>"Cynics and Eccentrics have at all times been the forerunners of vast -popular movements. The flagellants, the Beguins and Lollards, and -countless other Cynics in the latter half of the Middle Ages preceded -the Reformation.</p> - -<p>"And was not the French Revolution, or the vastest effort at realising -Ideals ever made by the little ones down here, preceded by a Cynic and -his pamphlets, by Jean Jacques Rousseau?</p> - -<p>"No Greek town would have endured within its walls a youth so -completely shattered in all his moral build, as was Rousseau. He was -thoroughly and hopelessly demoralised in character, <i>décousu</i> and -eccentric in thought, and badly tutored in point of knowledge. The -clever woman that was his protectress, mistress, and guide, and who -displayed a marvellous capacity for devising jobs and an inexhaustible -resourcefulness in turning things and persons to practical use, could -yet never discover any usefulness in Jean Jacques.</p> - -<p>"He wrote, later on, novels, political treatises, botanical ones, -musical ones. In truth he never wrote a novel; he wrote nothing but -pamphlets; stirring, wild, eccentric, enchanting pamphlets. He was -not, like Beaumarchais, a pamphleteer and yet a writer of a real, and -immortal comedy, itself a political pamphlet. Rousseau was a writing -stump-orator doing anticipative yeoman's work for the Revolution.</p> - -<p>"So are all the Cynics. So are Ibsen, Tolstoy; so<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span> is Shaw. Their -dramas may be, say <i>are</i> no dramas at all; their novels may be, say -<i>are</i> no novels at all; their serious treatises are neither serious nor -treatises; and yet they are, and always will be great <i>effectological</i> -centres. They attack the whole fabric of the extant civilisation; -by this one move they rally round them both the silent and the loud -enemies of <span class="smcap">What Is</span>, and the eager friends of what <span class="smcap">Ought -To Be</span>. Of these malcontents there always is a great number; -especially in times of prolonged peace.</p> - -<p>"A war, a real, good national war would immediately sweep away all -these social malcontents.</p> - -<p>"That's why the leaders of the Cynics, and more especially Tolstoy and -Shaw, hate war. It is their mar-feast, their kill-joy; their microbes -do not prosper in times of war.</p> - -<p>"Without the fatal and all but universal peace of the period from 50 -<span class="smcap">A.D.</span> to 190 <span class="smcap">A.D.</span>, Christianity could never have made -any headway in the Roman Empire; just as we got rid of our Cynics by -the second Athenian Empire and its great wars.</p> - -<p>"This, then, is in my opinion the true perspective of our modern -Cynics. As literature or truth, they exhibit little of value, except -that Shaw appears to me (—if a Greek may be allowed to pass judgment -on such a matter—) to be the only one amongst living writers in -England who has real literary splendour in his style. As men, however, -exercising an effect on a possible social Revolution, these writers are -of the utmost importance.</p> - -<p>"Or to repeat it in my terms: <i>alethologically</i> nil or nearly so, -<i>effectologically</i> very important or interesting; this is the true -perspective of writers like Tolstoy, Shaw, and other modern Cynics.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span></p> - -<p>"Their influence is not on Thought, nor on Art, but on Action.</p> - -<p>"They may eventually, if Mars will continue trifling with wood-nymphs -and other well-intended cordials, become a great power. They may beget -Neo-Stoics, who may beget Neo-Christians. They themselves may then -appear only as the tiny drum-pages running in front or beside the -real fighters in battle. Yet their importance will be little impaired -thereby.</p> - -<p>"The Church Fathers have frequently endeavoured to honour me with the -name of one of the lay protagonists of Christianity. But I know much -better than that. The true protagonists were Antisthenes or Diogenes; -and that is why the Roman Catholic Church has at no time countenanced -me. And just as we now do not mind the jokes, burlesques and <i>boutades</i> -of Diogenes any more, admitting freely, as we do, that behind them was -the <i>aurora borealis</i> of a new creed, a new movement, a new world; -even so we must not mind the grotesque <i>boutades</i> of Tolstoy, Ibsen, -Shaw, Anatole, and other modern Cynics, for behind them is the magnetic -fulguration of new electric currents in the social world.</p> - -<p>"This, the public indistinctly feel; that's why they continue to read -and criticise or revile these men. The public feels that while there -may not be much in what these men yield for the present, the future, -possibly, is theirs.</p> - -<p>"The little ones below do not as yet know, that there is no future; nor -that all that is or can be, has long been. Therefore they do not turn -to us who might point out to them what things are<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span> driving at; but they -want the oldest things in ever new forms.</p> - -<p>"We, however, know that <i>plus cela change, plus c'est la même chose</i>, -as one of the modern Athenians in Paris has put it.</p> - -<p>"Do not frown on me, Heraclitus; I well know that you hold the very -reverse, and that you would say: '<i>plus c'est la même chose, plus cela -change</i>.'</p> - -<p>"I have gladly accepted that in my earthly time when I made a sharp -distinction between phenomena and super-phenomena, or <i>noumena</i>. But I -do no longer make such a distinction.</p> - -<p>"We are above time. We Hellenes are alive to-day as we were over -two thousand years ago. We still think aloud or on papyrus the most -beautiful and the truest thoughts of men. Have we not but quite lately -sent down for one of us to while amongst us for ever? He too began as -a Cynic. But having learnt the inanity of the so-called 'future,' he -rose above time and space, and soared on the wings of eagle concepts -to the heights where we welcome him. He has just entered the near port -in a boat rowed by the nymphs of Circe. We cannot close our meeting in -a more condign fashion than by asking Hebe to offer him the goblet of -welcome."</p> - -<p>The eyes of all present turned to the shore, where a man of middle age, -who had evidently regained his former vigour, walked up to the steps -of the amphitheatre. When he came quite near to the Assembly, Diogenes -exclaimed: "Hail to thee, Frederick Nietzsche!"</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span></p> - - - - -<p class="ph2a"><a name="THE_THIRD_NIGHT" id="THE_THIRD_NIGHT">THE THIRD NIGHT</a></p> - -<p class="center">ALCIBIADES ON WOMEN IN ENGLAND</p> - - -<p>In the third night the gods and heroes assembled at Venice. Where the -Canal Grande almost disappears in the sea, there on mystic gondolas -the divine Assembly met in the town of Love and Passion, at the -whilom centre of Power wedded to Beauty. It was a starlit night of -incomparable charm. The Canal Grande, with its majestic silence; the -dark yet clearly outlined Palaces surrounding the Canal like beautiful -women forming a procession in honour of a triumphant hero; the grave -spires of hundreds of churches standing like huge sentinels of the town -of millions of secrets never revealed, and vainly searched for in her -vast archives; and last not least the invisible Past hovering sensibly -over every stone of the unique city; all this contributed ever new -charms to the meeting of the gods and heroes at Venice.</p> - -<p>Zeus, not unforgetful of the Eternal Feminine, asked Alcibiades to -entertain the Assembly with his adventures amongst the women of -England. Alcibiades thereupon rose and spake as follows: "O Zeus and -the other gods and heroes, I am still too much under the fascination -of the women with whom I have spent the last twelve months, to be in -a position to tell you with becoming calmness what kind of beings -they are. In my time I knew<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span> the women of over a dozen Greek states, -and many a woman of the Barbarians. Yet not one of them was remotely -similar to the women of England. I will presently relate what I -observed of the beauty of these northern women.</p> - -<p>"But first of all, it seems to me, I had better dwell upon one -particular type of womanhood which I have never met before except when -once, eight hundred years ago, I travelled in company with Abelard -through a few towns of Mediæval France. That type is what in England -they call the middle-class woman. She is not always beautiful, and yet -might be so frequently, were her features not spoilt by her soul. She -is the most bigoted, the most prejudiced, and most intolerant piece of -perverted humanity that can be imagined.</p> - -<p>"The first time I met her I asked her how she felt that day. To this -she replied, 'Sir-r-r!' with flashing eyes and sinking cheeks. When I -then added: 'I hope, madame, you are well?'—she looked at me even more -fiercely and uttered: 'Sir-r-r!' Being quite unaware of the reason of -her indignation, I begged to assure her that it gave me great pleasure -to meet her. Thereupon she got up from her seat and exclaimed in a most -tragic manner: 'Si-r-r-r, you are <i>no</i> gentleman!!'</p> - -<p>"Now, I have been shown out, in my time, from more than one lady's -room; but there always was some acceptable reason for it. In this case -I could not so much as surmise what crime I had committed. On asking -one of my English friends, I learnt that I ought to have commenced -the conversation with remarks on the weather. Unless conversation is -commenced in that way it will never commend itself<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span> to that class of -women in England. It is undoubtedly for that reason, Zeus, that you -have given England four different seasons indeed, but all in the course -of one and the same day. But for this meteorological fact, conversation -with middle-class people would have become impossible.</p> - -<p>"The women of that class have an incessant itch for indignation; -unless they feel shocked at least ten times a day, they cannot live. -Accordingly, everything shocks them; they are afflicted with permanent -<i>shockingitis</i>.</p> - -<p>"Tell her that it is two o'clock <span class="smcap">P.M.</span>, and she will be -shocked. Tell her you made a mistake, and that it was only half-past -one o'clock, and she will be even more shocked. Tell her Adam was the -first man, and she will scream with indignation; tell her she had only -one mother, and she will send for the police. The experience of over -two thousand years amongst all the nations in and out of Europe has not -enabled me to find a topic, nor the manner of conversation agreeable or -acceptable to an English middle-class woman.</p> - -<p>"At first I thought that she was as puritanic in her virtue as she was -rigid and forbidding in appearance. One of them was unusually pretty -and I attempted to please her. My efforts were in vain, until I found -out that she took me for a Greek from Soho Square, which in London is -something like the poor quarters of our Piræus. She had never heard of -Athens or of ancient history, and she believed that Joan of Arc was the -daughter of Noah.</p> - -<p>"When I saw that, I dropped occasionally the remark that my uncle was -Lord Pericles, and that the King of Sparta had reasons to hide from -me<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span> his wife. This did it at once. She changed completely. Everything -I said was 'interesting.' When I said, 'Wet to-day,' she swore that -it was a capital joke. She admired my very gloves. She never tired -asking me questions about the 'swell set.' I told her all that I did -not know. The least man of my acquaintance was a lord; my friends were -all viscounts and marquesses; my dog was the son of a dog in the King's -kennels; my motor was one in which three earls and their wives had -broken eleven legs of theirs.</p> - -<p>"These broken legs brought me very much nearer to my goal; and when -finally I apprised her that I had hopelessly spoilt my digestion at the -wedding meal of the Duke of D'Ontexist, she implored me not to trifle -any longer with her feelings. I stopped trifling.</p> - -<p>"This experience," Alcibiades continued, "did much to enlighten me -about what was behind all that forbidding exterior of the middle-class -woman. I discovered Eve in the Mediæval form of womanhood. I was -reminded of the Spartan women who, at the first meeting, seemed so -proud, unapproachable and Amazonian; at the second meeting they had -lost some of their prohibitive temper; and at the third meeting they -proved to be women, and nothing but women after all.</p> - -<p>"Honestly, I preferred the English middle-class woman in her first -stage. It suited the somewhat rigid style of her beauty much better. -In the last or sentimental stage she was much less interesting. -Her tenderness was flabby or childish. Then she cried after every -<i>rendez-vous</i>. That annoyed me considerably. One evening I could not -help ask<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span>ing her whether she did not feel like sending five pounds of -conscience-money to the Chancellor of the Exchequer. She drew the line -on that, and cried more profusely. Whereupon I proposed to send fifty -pounds of conscience-money and to be released of any further tears. -This seemed to pacify and to console her; and thus we parted.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>"A few days after I had been relieved of my first lady friend in -England," Alcibiades continued, "I made the acquaintance of a girl -whose age I was unable to determine. She said she was twenty-nine years -old. However, I soon found that all unmarried girls <i>d'un certain âge</i> -in England are exactly twenty-nine years old.</p> - -<p>"She was not without certain attractions. She had read much, spoke -fluently, had beautiful auburn hair and white arms. In her technical -terms, which she used very frequently, she was not very felicitous. -She repeatedly mixed up bigotry with bigamy, or with trigonometry. My -presence did not seem to affect her very much, and after two or three -calls I discovered that she was in a chronic state of rebellion against -society and law at large.</p> - -<p>"She held that women were in absolute serfdom to men, and that unless -women were given the most valuable of rights, that is, the suffrage, -neither women nor men could render the commonwealth what it ought to -be. I told her that shortly after my disappearance from the political -stage of Athens,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span> about twenty-three centuries ago, the women of that -town, together with those of other towns, clamoured for the same -object. 'What?' she exclaimed. 'Do you mean to say that suffragettes -were already known in those olden times?' I assured her that all that -she had told me about the aims and arguments of herself and her friends -was as old as the comedies of Aristophanes. That seemed to have a -strange effect upon her. I noticed that what she believed to be the -novelty of the movement constituted really its greatest charm for her. -She had thought that suffragettism was the very latest fashion, in -every way brand new.</p> - -<p>"But after a time she recovered and said: 'Very well; if our objects -and aims are as old as all that, they are sure to be even more solidly -founded in reason than I thought they were.'</p> - -<p>"Reason, Right, Equity, and Fairness were her stock-in-trade. She was -the daughter of Reason; the wife of Right; the mother of Equity; and -the mother-in-law of Fairness. It was in vain that I told her that -this world was not held together by Reason or Right alone, but also -by Unreason and Wrongs. She scoffed at my remarks, and asked me to -come to one of her speeches in Hyde Park on one of the next Sundays. I -came. There was a huge crowd, counting by the hundreds of thousands. -My lady friend stood on a waggon in the midst of about half-a-dozen -other women, who all had preferred single blessedness to coupled bliss. -They were, of course, each of them twenty-nine years old; and yet their -accumulated ages brought one comfortably back to the times of Queen -Elizabeth. When my friend's turn came, she addressed the crowd as -follows:</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span></p> - -<p>"'Men and women. Excuse me, ladies, beginning my speech in that way. It -is mere custom, the behests of which I obey. In my opinion there are no -men in this country. There are only cowards and their wives. Who but a -coward would refuse a woman the most elementary right of citizenship? -Who but a wretch and a dastardly runaway would deny women a right -which is given to the scum of men, provided they pay a ridiculous sum -in yearly taxes? There are no men in this country.' (A voice from the -people: 'None for you, m'um, evidently!')</p> - -<p>"'I repeat it to you: there are no men. I will repeat it again. I can -never repeat it too frequently. Or, do you call a person a man who is -none? The first and chief characteristic of a true man is his love of -justice. It is so completely and exclusively his, that we women do not -in the least pretend to share in this his principal privilege.</p> - -<p>"'But can the present so-called men be called just? Is it justice to -deny justice to more than one half of the nation, to the women? Let -us women have the suffrage, so that men, by thus doing justice, shall -become true men worthy of <i>their</i> suffrage. For are not all their -reasonings against our wishes void of any force?</p> - -<p>"'They say that the suffrage of women, by dragging them too much into -the political arena, would defeminise them. Pray look at us here -assembled. Are we unwomanly? Do we look as if we had lost any of that -down which hovers over the soul of domesticated women as does the nap -on a peach?' (Stormy applause.) 'Thanks, many thanks. I knew you would -not think so.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span></p> - -<p>"'No, it is indeed absurd to assume that a waggon can change a woman -into a dragon. Am I changed by entering a 'bus? Or by mounting a taxi? -Why, then, should I be changed by standing on a waggon? I am no more -changed by it, than the waggon is changed by me.' (A voice: 'Good old -waggon!')</p> - -<p>"'We want to have a share in legislation. There are a hundred -subjects regarding which we are better informed than are men. -Take food-adulteration—who knows more about it than we do? Take -intemperance—who drinks more in secret than we do? Take the law of -libel and slander—who libels and slanders more than we do? Who can -possibly possess more experience about it?</p> - -<p>"'Look at history. Repeatedly there have been periods when a number of -queens and empresses proved to be more efficient than men. Politics, -especially foreign policy, spells simply lies and dissimulation. Who -can do that better than ourselves? People say that if we women get the -suffrage, the House of Commons would soon be filled with mere women. -Let us grant that, for argument's sake. Would the difference be really -so great? Are there not women in trousers? And are there not more -trousers than men?</p> - -<p>"'Nowadays most men cry themselves hoarse over Peace, Arbitration, -International Good Will, and similar nostrums. Could we women not do -that too? I ask you men present, could we not do that as well? The men -of this country think that they will bring about the millennium by -preaching and spreading teetotalism, Christian Science, vegetarianism, -or simple lifeism. How ridiculous and petty.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span></p> - -<p>"'Look at the "isms" we propose to preach and spread: (1) -Anti-corsetism; (2) Anti-skirtism; (3) Anti-bonnetism; (4) -Anti-gloveism; (5) Anti-necktieism; (6) Anti-cigarettism; and finally -(7) <i>Anti-antiism</i>.</p> - -<p>"'On these seven hills of antis, or if you prefer it, on these seven -ant-hills, which are in reality anti-ills, we shall build our New Rome, -the rummiest Rome that ever was, and more eternal than the town of the -Cæsars and the Popes. Give us the suffrage! Do you not see how serious -we are about it? We know very well that the various classes of men -obtained the suffrage only by means of great fights in which, in some -countries, untold thousands of men were killed. But can you seriously -think of putting us women to similar straits?</p> - -<p>"'Evidently, what men had to fight for in bitter earnest, ought to be -given to women in jest as a mere gift. Do give us the suffrage! Do not -be pedantic nor naughty. We mean it very seriously; therefore give it -to us as a joke, by sheer politeness, and as a matter of good manners.</p> - -<p>"'Come, my male friends, be good boys; let me brush your coat, fix the -necktie in the proper shape and pour a little brilliantine on your -moustaches. There! That's a nice little boy. And now open the safe of -the nation and give us quick the right of rights, the might of mights, -the very thing that you men have been fighting for ever since Magna -Charta in 1215, give us the suffrage as an incidental free gift.</p> - -<p>"'If you do so, we will pass a law that all barbers' shops shall be -in the soft, pleasant hands of young she-barbers. Think of the downy -satisfaction that this will give you! Think of the placid snoozes -in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span> a barber's chair when your face is soaped, shaven and sponged by -mellow hands! Is it not a dear little enjoyment? Now, look here my male -friends, this and similar boons we shall shower upon you, provided you -give us the suffrage.</p> - -<p>"'Nay, we shall before everything else (provided we have the suffrage!) -pass a law <i>abolishing breach-of-promise cases</i>.'</p> - -<p>"(Endless hurrahs from all sides—Band—Fire-works—St Vitus' Dances, -until the whole immense crowd breaks out in a song 'She is a jolly good -maiden, etc.')</p> - -<p>"'Thanks, you are very kind. Yes, we mean to abolish breach-of-promise -cases. Consider what advantages that would imply for you. A man will be -able to flirt round five different corners at a time, without risking -anything. He will be able to practise letter-writing in all the colours -of the rainbow, without in the least jeopardising his situation, purse -or expectations. He will be in a position to amuse himself thoroughly, -freely, everywhere, and at any time. What makes you men so stiff, so -tongue-tied, so pokery, but the dread of a breach-of-promise case. -Once that dread is removed by the abolition of such cases, you will be -amiable, great orators, full of charming <i>abandon</i>, and too lovely for -words. As a natural consequence, women will be more in love with you -than ever before. Your conquests in Sexland will be countless. You will -be like Alcibiades,—irresistible, universally victorious. Now, could -we offer you anything more tempting?</p> - -<p>"'I know, of course, that outwardly you affect to be no ladies' men. -But pray, <i>entre nous</i>, are you not<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span> in reality just the reverse? Man -<i>is</i> polygamous. We women do not in the least care for men, and if all -my female contemporaries should die out, leaving me alone in the world -with 600,000,000 men, I should myself speedily die with boredom. What -are men here for but as mere cards in our game of one woman against the -other? If I cannot martyrise a little the heart of my female friend by -alienating her man from her, what earthly use has her man for me?</p> - -<p>"'But you men, you are quite different. You do wish that all the -women, at any rate all the young and beautiful women, shall be at your -order. This of course we cannot legislate for you. But we can do the -next best thing: we can abolish the chief obstacle in your way: the -breach-of-promise cases. This we promise to do, provided you give us -the suffrage. You are, however, much mistaken if you think that that is -all we have in store for you. Far from it.</p> - -<p>"'If you give us the franchise, we pledge ourselves <i>never to publish a -novel or a drama</i>.'</p> - -<p>"(Applause like an earthquake—men embrace one another—elderly -gentlemen cry with joy—a clergyman calls upon people to pray—in the -skies a rainbow appears.)</p> - -<p>"'Yes, although with a breaking heart, yet we will make this immense -sacrifice on the altar of our patriotism: we will henceforth not -publish any novels. I cannot say that we will not write any. This would -be more than I or any other woman could promise. We must write novels. -We are subject to a writing itch that is quite beyond our control. The -less a woman has to say the more<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span> she will write. She must write; she -must write novels.</p> - -<p>"'We write, we publish at present about five novels a day. If you give -us the suffrage, we pledge ourselves not to publish a single novel.'</p> - -<p>"(Universal cry: 'Give them the suffrage, for God's sake!')</p> - -<p>"'And if you do not give us the suffrage, we shall publish ten novels a -day.'</p> - -<p>"(Fearful uproar—fierce cries for the police—twenty publishers -present are mobbed—Miss Cora Morelli present is in imminent danger of -life.)</p> - -<p>"'Did I say, ten? What I meant to say is, that if you do not give us -the franchise, we shall publish fifteen novels a day.'</p> - -<p>"(Revolution—pistol shots—the fire-brigade comes.)</p> - -<p>"'Twenty—thirty—forty novels a day.'</p> - -<p>"(The Big Ben is howling—the Thames river floods Middlesex—the House -of Commons suspends the Habeas Corpus Act.)</p> - -<p>"'Or even ten novels every hour.'</p> - -<p>"(The Albert Memorial leaves its place and takes refuge in the Imperial -Institute—the crowd, in despair, falls on their knees and implores the -speaker to have mercy on them—they promise the suffrage, at once, or -somewhat before that.)</p> - -<p>"'There! I told you, we do mean what we mean, and we have all sorts of -means of making you mean what we mean. It is therefore understood that -you will give us the franchise, and we shall stop publishing novels. -But should you change your mind and go back on your present promises, -then I must warn you that we have in store even more drastic means<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span> of -forcing your hands. You must not in the least believe that the pressure -we can bring to bear upon you is exhausted with the devices just -enumerated. There are other devices. But for evident reasons of modesty -I prefer calling upon my motherly guide, Mrs Pancake, to tell you more -about them.'</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>"With that my tender friend retired, and up got a middle-aged woman -with hard features and much flabby flesh. She was received with -mournful silence. She began in a strident voice, which she accentuated -by angular gestures cutting segments out of the air. She said:</p> - -<p>"'You have, ladies and gentlemen, heard some of the disadvantages that -will inevitably be entailed upon you by not granting us what Justice, -Equity and our Costume render a demand that none but barbarians can -refuse. I am now going to give you just an inkling of what will befall -you should you pertinaciously persist in your obdurate refusal of the -franchise to women. We women have made up our minds to the exclusion of -any imaginable hesitation, change, or vacillation. We shall be firm and -unshakable.</p> - -<p>"'We have done everything that could be done by way of persuading you. -We have published innumerable pamphlets; we have trodden countless -streets in countless processions; we have been wearing innumerable -badges and carrying thousands of flags and standards; we have screamed, -pushed, rowdied, boxed, scuffled, gnashed our teeth (even<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span> such as were -not originally made for that purpose), and suffered our skirts to be -torn to shreds; we have petitioned, waylaid, interpellated, ambushed, -bullied and memorialised all the ministers, all the editors, all the -clergymen, all the press-men; we have suffered imprisonment, fines, -scorn, ridicule; we have done, with the exception of actual fighting, -everything that men have done for the conquest of the suffrage.</p> - -<p>"'Should all these immense sacrifices not avail us any; should it all -be in vain; then we the women of this country, and I doubt not those -of the other countries too, will, as a last resort, take refuge in -the oldest and most powerful ally of our sex. Eternal Time has two -constituents: Day and Night. The Day is man's. The Night is ours.'</p> - -<p>"(Deadly silence—men begin looking very serious.)</p> - -<p>"'The Night, I repeat it in the sternest manner possible, the Night -is ours. We grant, indeed, that sixteen hours are man's; but the -remaining eight are ours. The stars and the moon; the darkness and -the dream—they are all ours. Should you men persist in refusing us -the franchise, you will wake in vain for the moon and the stars and -the dream. You will see stars indeed, but other ones than you expect. -We shall be inexorable. No moon any more for you; neither crescent, -half nor full moon; neither stars nor milky-way; neither galaxy nor -gallantry.'</p> - -<p>"(A salvationist: 'Let us pray!'—A soldier: 'Hope, m'um, that -Saturdays will be off-days?'—Solicitors, teetotallers, and three -editors of Zola's collected works: 'Disgraceful! shocking!'—A -scholar: 'Madame, that's a chestnut, Aristophanes<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span> has long proposed -that!'—General uproar—a band of nuns from Piccadilly hurrah the -proposal and raise prices of tickets—Scotland Yard smiles—the <i>Daily -Nail</i> kodaks everybody and interviews Mrs Pancake on the spot—Mrs -Guard, the famous writer, at once founds a counter-League, with the -motto 'Astronomy for the people—Stars and Stripes free—the United -Gates of Love'—the <i>Daily Crony</i> has an attack of moral appendicitis.)</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>"I wish," continued Alcibiades, amidst the laughter of the immortals, -"Aristophanes had been present. I assure you that all that he said in -his comedies called <i>Ecclesiazusae</i> and <i>Lysistrata</i> pale beside the -tumultuous scenes caused by the peroration of Mrs Pancake. Her threat -was in such drastic contrast to the stars and moon she personally could -exhibit to the desires of men, that the comic effect of it became at -times almost unbearable.</p> - -<p>"While the pandemonium was at its height a stentorian voice invited -all present to another platform where another woman was holding forth -on Free Love and Free Marriage. I forthwith repaired to the place, and -heard what was in every way a most interesting speech delivered by a -woman who consisted of a ton of bones and an ounce of flesh. She was -between forty and seventy-nine. She talked in a tone of conviction -which seemed to come from every corner of her personal masonry. Her -gestures were, if I may say so, as strident as her voice, which came<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span> -out with a peculiar gust of pectoral wind, unimpeded, as it was, by the -fence of too numerous teeth. She said:</p> - -<p>"'Gentlemen, all that you have heard over there from the platforms of -the suffragettes is, to put it mildly, the merest rubbish. We women do -not want the suffrage. What we want is quite another thing. All our -misery since the days of Eve comes from one silly, absurd, and criminal -institution, and from that alone. Abolish that cesspool of depravity; -that hotbed of social gangrene; that degradation of men and women; and -we shall be all happy and contented for ever.</p> - -<p>"'That institution; that cancerous hotbed; that degradation is: -<i>Marriage</i>. As long as we shall endure this scandalous bondage and -prostitution of the most sacred sentiments and desires of human beings, -even so long will our social wretchedness last.</p> - -<p>"'Abolish marriage.</p> - -<p>"'It has neither sense, nor object, nor right; it is the most hapless -aberration of humanity. How can you uphold such a monstrous thing?</p> - -<p>"'Just consider: I do not know, and do not care to know what other -nations are like; I only care for my great nation, for England, for -Englishmen. Now, can anyone here present (or here absent, for the -matter of that), seriously contend that an Englishman is by nature -or education fit for marriage? Why, not one in ten thousand has the -slightest aptitude for it.</p> - -<p>"'An Englishman is an island, a solitary worm, morally a hermit, -socially a bear, humanly a Cyclop. He hates company, including his own. -The idea<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span> that any person should intrude upon his hallowed circles -for more than a few minutes is revolting to him. When he is ill he -suffers most from the inquiries of friends about his condition. When -he is successful he is too proud to stoop to talking with anyone under -the rank of a lord. When he is unsuccessful, he takes it for granted -that nobody desires to speak to him. He builds his house after his -own character: rooms do not communicate. He chooses his friends among -people that talk as little as possible and call on him once a year. Any -remark about his person he resents most bitterly. Tell him, ever so -mildly, that the colour of his necktie is cryingly out of harmony with -the colour of his waistcoat, and he will hate you for three years.</p> - -<p>"'And you mean to tell me, gentlemen, that such a creature is fit for -marriage? That is, fit for a condition of things in which a person, -other than himself, claims the right to be in the same room with him at -any given hour of the day or the night; to pass remarks on his necktie, -or his cuffs, or even on his tobacco; to talk, ay, to talk to him for -an hour, to twit him, or chaff him—good heavens, one might just as -well think of asking the Archbishop of Canterbury by telephone whether -he would not come to the next bar round the corner for a glass of Bass.</p> - -<p>"'And as to other still more personal claims of tenderness and intimacy -on the part of the wife, such as embraces and kisses, one shudders -to think how any woman may ever hope to attempt doing them without -imminent risk to her life.</p> - -<p>"'Fancy a wife trying to kiss her legal husband! He, prouder of his -collar and cuffs than of his banking account, to stand calmly and -willingly an assault<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span> on the immaculate correctness of the said collar -and cuffs!</p> - -<p>"'It passes human comprehension. The mere idea thereof is unthinkable.</p> - -<p>"'Perhaps in the first few weeks of married life. But after six months; -after a year, or two—by what stretch of imagination shall one reach -the possibility of such an event? After six months, he is indifferent -to the entire astronomy of his wife; after a year or so, he hates her. -It is not so much that he wants another woman, or another man's wife, -or another wife's man; what he wants is to be left alone.</p> - -<p>"'He has long since shaken off the State, the Church, the Army, and, -politically, the Nobility. Nothing can be more evident than that he -wants to shake off the last of the old shackles: Marriage. His motive -is: shekels, but no shackles.</p> - -<p>"'Some incomprehensibly modest people have proposed marriage to last -ten years only. It appears, they contend, that the critical period of -the modern marriage shows itself at the end of ten years. The scandals -that are usually cropping up at the end of that period, they say, might -very well be avoided by terminating marriage legally at the end of the -tenth year. People proposing such stuff clearly manifest their utter -inability to see through the true character of modern marriage.</p> - -<p>"'If marriages were to last only ten years, then be sure that the said -critical period with its inevitable scandals would set in at the end -of the fifth year. The cause, the real cause of these scandals is not -in the length of time, but in the very nature of marriage. If this -iniquitous and barbarous contract were to last only for five years, -then its critical period and its<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span> scandals would appear at the end of -two years. And by a parity of reasoning, if marriage were to last one -year only, it would by its inherent vice come to grief at the end of -six months.</p> - -<p>"'The only cure for marriage is to abolish it. Does marriage not demand -the very quality that not one English person in a hundred thousand -possesses: yieldingness? Or can anyone deny that no English person has -ever really meant to admit that he or she was wrong?</p> - -<p>"'They are all of them infallible. People write such a lot about the -hatred of Popery in English history. What nonsense. English people do -not hate Popery; they despise the idea that there should be only one -infallible Pope, whereas they know that in England alone there are at -present over thirty millions of such infallibles. This being so, how -can marriage be a success?</p> - -<p>"'Or take it,' the Free Love lady continued, 'from another standpoint. -Most Englishmen enter married life with little if any experience of -womanhood. Only the other day a young man of twenty-five, who was just -about to marry, asked in my presence whether it was likely that a woman -gave birth to one child early in the month of May, and to the other in -the following month of June? He thought that <i>The Times</i> instalment -system applied to all good things.</p> - -<p>"'Other young men inquire seriously about the strategy of marriage, and -the famous song in the <i>Belle of New York</i>, in which the girl asks her -<i>fiancé</i> "When we are married what will you do?" was possible only in -countries of Anglo-Saxon stock. In Latin countries the operette could -not have been<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span> finished in one evening on account of the interminable -laughter of the public. In London nobody turned a hair, as they say. -Half of the men present had, in their time, asked the same question of -themselves or of their doctors.</p> - -<p>"'Now if there is one thing more certain than another in the whole -matter of marriage it is this, that the inexperienced <i>fiancé</i> -generally makes the worst husband. Being familiar only with the ways -and manners of men, he misunderstands, misconstrues, and misjudges most -of the actions or words of his young wife. He is positively shocked -at her impetuous tenderness, and takes many a manifestation of her -love for him as mere base flattery or as hypocrisy. Not infrequently -he ceases treating her as his wife, and goes on living with her as -his sister; and, since the wife, more loyal to nature, rarely omits -recouping herself, her husband acts the part of certain gentlemen of -Constantinople. It is thus that the famous <i>ménage à trois</i> does not, -properly speaking, exist in England. In England it is always a <i>ménage -à deux</i>.</p> - -<p>"'If, then, instead of continuing marriage; if, instead of maintaining -an institution so absurd and so contrary to the nature of an -Englishman, we dropped it altogether; if, instead of compulsory wedding -ceremonies, we introduced that most sacred of all things: <span class="smcap">Free -Love</span>; the advantages accruing to the nation as a whole, and to -each person constituting that nation, would be immense.</p> - -<p>"'Free Love, ay: that is the only solution. Nature knows what she is -after. The blue-eyed crave the black-eyed ones; the fair-haired desire -the dark-haired; the tall ones the small; the thin ones<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span> the thick; the -unlettered ones the lettered unfettered ones. This is Nature.</p> - -<p>"'If these affinities are given free scope, the result will be a nation -of giants and heroes. Affinities produce Infinities. Free Trade in -wedlock is the great panacea. Since the only justifiable ground for -marriage is—the child, how dare one marry anyone else than the person -with whom he or she is most likely to have the finest babe? That person -is clearly indicated by Nature. How, then, can Society, Law, or the -Church claim the right to interfere in the choice?</p> - -<p>"'I know that many of you will say: "Oh, if men should take their wives -only from Free Love, they would take a different one every quarter." -But if you come to think of it, it is not so at all. If men took their -wives out of Free Love, they could not so much as think of taking -another wife every quarter. For, which other wife could they take? -There would be none left for them, since all the other women would, -by the hypothesis, long have been taken up by <i>their</i> Free Lovers. -Moreover, if a man takes a wife out of Free Love, he sticks to her just -because he loves her. Had he not loved her, he would not have taken -her; and if he should cease loving her, he would find no other woman to -join him, owing to his proved fickleness.</p> - -<p>"'Last, not least, women and men would form elaborate societies for -the prevention of frivolous breaches of faith. At present no woman has -a serious interest in watching another woman's man. It would be quite -different in Free-Love-Land. The unofficial supervision and control of -men and women would be as rigorous as in monastic orders. As a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span> man -will pay off debts contracted at a card-table with infinitely greater -anxiety than any ordinary debt of his to a tailor or a grocer, just -because such gambling debts are not actionable; even so conjugal debts -would, in Free-Love-Land, be discharged with a punctuality that now is -practically unknown.</p> - -<p>"'The commonplace assertion that legal marriage preserves men and women -in a virtuous life has been refuted these six thousand years. To the -present day one is not able to deny the truth of what once a Turkish -woman replied to a Christian lady. The latter asked the Oriental: "How -can you tolerate the fact that your husband has at the same time and -in the same house three other wives of his?" The Turkish lady replied: -"Please, do not excite yourself unduly. The only difference between me -and you is this, that I know the names of my rivals, and you do not."</p> - -<p>"'In Free-Love-Land alone is there virtue. Men and women select freely, -obeying only the dictates of infallible Nature. The result is order, -health, joy, and efficiency. How can any person of sense believe in the -present marriage systems, when one considers the countless lives of old -maids sacrificed to the Moloch of modern legal monogamy?</p> - -<p>"'In England there are about four times more old maids than in any -other country; except in New England, in the United States, where every -second woman is born an old maid. Has anybody ever seriously pondered -over the great danger to Society and State implied in an excessive -number of old maids? I leave it to you, and I dare say to everyone of -you who has, no doubt, bitterly suffered at the hands of some one old -maid in his or her family.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span></p> - -<p>"'Old maids are either angels of goodness, or devils in human form; -the real proportion of either must be left to the Lord Chancellor -to decide. But who, or what produces old maids? Our legal monogamy. -Give us Free Love, and you shall have heard the last word of old -maids. Refuse Free Love, and we shall have to form our old maids -into regiments and send them against the Germans. Plato said that -the unsatisfied womb of a woman wanders about in all her body like -a ravenous animal and devours everything on his path. Our present -marriage system makes more victims than victors.'</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>"The good bag of bones wanted to continue in the same strain, but was -stopped by a young policeman who threatened to take her into custody -unless she discontinued her oratory. She threatened to love him freely; -whereupon he ran away as speedily as he could manage, but was at once -followed by the valiant she-orator, who nearly overtook him, crying -all the time 'I love you freely'—'I love you freely.' The whole crowd -followed, howling, screaming, laughing, and singing songs of Free Love. -So ended the discourse on Free Love.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>"A few weeks later," continued Alcibiades, "I made the acquaintance -of what they call a society<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span> lady. She was, of course, a specialist. -She had found out that her physical attractions were of a kind to show -off best at the moment of entering a crowded room. She was, to use the -phraseology of the <i>chef</i>, an <i>entrée</i> beauty. Her name was Entréa. At -the moment she entered a <i>salon</i>, she gave, just for a few minutes, the -impression of being strikingly handsome. She walked well, and the upper -part of her head, her hair, forehead, and eyes were very pretty. She -knew that on entering a room, the upper part of the head is precisely -the one object of general attention. This she utilised in the most -methodic manner. She entered with an innocent smile and lustrous eyes. -The effect was decidedly pretty.</p> - -<p>"In order to heighten it she always came late. Her cheeks, which were -ugly; her shoulders, which were uglier; her arms, which were still -uglier, were all cleverly disguised or made to appear secondary, and -as if dominated by her big eyes. She was very successful. Most men -considered her beautiful; and women were happy that her principal -effect did not last very long. She knew some fifteen phrases by heart, -which were meant to meet the conversation of the fifteen different -species into which she had, for daily use, divided the different men -she met in society. Each of these phrases gave her the appearance of -much <i>esprit</i> and of an intelligent interest in the subject. She did -not understand them at all; but she never mixed them up, thanks to her -instinct, which was infallible.</p> - -<p>"The last time she had done or said anything spontaneously or -naively was on the day she left her nursery. Ever since she was -the mere manager of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span> her words and acts. In everything there was a -cool intention. As a matter of fact she was meant by Nature to be a -salesgirl at Whiteley's. Failing this, she sold her presence, her -smiles, her manners to the best social advantage. A rabid materialist, -she always pretended to live for nothing but ideals. Sickened by music, -she always gave herself out to be an enthusiast for Wagner. Like many -women that have no natural talent for intellectual pursuits, she was -most eager to read serious books, to attend serious lectures, and to -engage a conversation on philosophy.</p> - -<p>"I met her in my quality as Prince of Syracuse. She first thought -that Syracuse was the name of my father; when I had explained to her -that Syracuse was the name of a famous town in Sicily, she asked me -whether I belonged to the great family whose motto was <i>qui s'excuse, -s'iracuse</i>.</p> - -<p>"On my answering in the negative, she exclaimed: 'But surely you belong -at least to the Maffia? Oh do, it would be so interesting!' In order -to please her I at once belonged to that society of secret assassins. -However, I soon noticed that she thought the Maffia was the Sicilian -form of a society for patriotic Mafficking.</p> - -<p>"When we became a little more intimate, she told me that I was -never to speak of anything else than Syracuse. That would give me a -certain <i>cachet</i>, as she put it, and distinguish me from the others. -Accordingly I placed all my stories and occasional sallies of talk -at Syracuse. I was the Syracusan. She swore my accent was Syracusan, -and that my entire personality breathed Syracusan air. In society she -presented me as a member of a curious race, the Syracusans, in Sicily, -close to the Riviera.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span></p> - -<p>"One day she surprised me with the question whether the men of Syracuse -were still in the habit of marrying two women at a time. She had read -in some book of the double marriage of Dionysus the Elder in the fourth -century B.C. I calmed her in that respect. I said that since that time -things had changed at Syracuse.</p> - -<p>"On the other hand, I was unable to make out whether she was a divorced -virgin, or a deceased sister's wife. It was not clear at all. When -conversing with me alone, she was as dry as a Nonconformist; but in a -drawing-room, full of people, she showered upon me all the sweets of -passionate flirtation.</p> - -<p>"One day I told her that I had won great victories in the chariot races -at Olympia. She looked at me with a knowing smile and said: 'Come, -come, why did I not read about it in the <i>Daily Nail</i>?' and, showing me -the inside of her hat, she pointed at a slip of paper in it, on which -was printed: 'I am somewhat of a liar myself.' I assured her that I had -really won great prizes at Olympia.</p> - -<p>"'Were they in the papers?' she asked.</p> - -<p>"I said, we had no papers at that time.</p> - -<p>"'No papers?' she exclaimed. 'Why, were you like the negroes? No -papers! What will you tell me next? Had you perhaps no top-hats either? -Do you mean to tell me that this great poet of yours—what you call -him?—ah, Lord Homer, had no top-hat?'</p> - -<p>"I assured her that we had no hats whatever.</p> - -<p>"'Oh, I see,' she said, 'you were founded like the blue boys,—I see. -But surely you wore gloves?'</p> - -<p>"On my denying it, she turned a little pale.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span></p> - -<p>"'No gloves either? Then I must ask you only one more thing: had you no -shoes either?'</p> - -<p>"'No,' I said, calmly, 'some of us, like Socrates, went always -barefoot, others in sandals.'</p> - -<p>"She smiled incredulously. I told her that in the heyday of Athens men -in the streets went about over one-third nude. She did not mind the -nude, but she stopped at the word heyday.</p> - -<p>"She asked me: 'On which day of the year fell your heyday?'</p> - -<p>"I did not quite know what to say, until it flashed upon my mind that -she meant 'hay-day.' I soon saw I was right, because she added:</p> - -<p>"'Does going barefoot cure hay-fever? And is that the reason why so -many people still talk of Socrates?'</p> - -<p>"I stared at her. Was it really possible that she did not know who -Socrates was? I tried to give a short sketch of your life, O Socrates, -but I could not go beyond the time before you were born. For, when I -said that your mother had been a midwife, my lady friend recoiled with -an expression of terror.</p> - -<p>"'What,' she exclaimed, 'he was the son of a midwife?—a -midwife?—Pray, do not let us talk about such people! I hoped he was at -least the son of a baronet. How could you ever endure his company?'</p> - -<p>"'That was just it,' said I, 'I could not. His charm was so great, that -for fear of neglecting everything else I fled from him like a hunted -stag.'</p> - -<p>"'But pray,' she retorted, 'what charm can there be in a son of a -midwife? I can imagine some interest in a clever midwife,—but in her -son? Oh, that is too absurd for words!'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span></p> - -<p>"'My charming friend,' I answered, 'Socrates was, as he frequently -remarked it, himself a sort of midwife, who never pretended to be -parent to a thought, but only to have helped others to produce them.'</p> - -<p>"'Oh, is that it,—' she said dryly, 'Socrates did manual services in -midwifery? How lost to all shame your women must have been to engage a -man in their most delicate moments. I now see why so many of my lady -friends deserted a man who had announced lectures on Plato. He also -talked about Socrates, and when it became known that Socrates was a -wretched midwife's clerk, we left the lecture-hall in indignation. -Fancy that man said he talked about Plato, and yet in his discourses -he talked about nurseries, teetotalism, Christian Science and all such -things as date only of yesterday, and of which Plato could have known -nothing.'</p> - -<p>"'But my lovely Entréa,' I interrupted, 'Plato does talk of all these -things, and with a vengeance.'</p> - -<p>"'How <i>could</i> he talk of them?' she triumphantly retorted. 'Did he ever -read the <i>Daily Nail</i> or <i>Ladies' Wold</i>?'</p> - -<p>"'No,' I said, 'he never did, which is one of the many reasons of his -divine genius. But he does speak of temperance, and simple life, and -the superman, and all the other so-called discoveries of this age, -with the full knowledge of a sage who has actually experienced those -eccentricities.'</p> - -<p>"My fascinating friend could stand it no longer. Interrupting me she -said:</p> - -<p>"'Why, every child knows that Plato talked of nothing else than of -Platonic love. We all expected to hear about nothing else than that -curious love<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span> which all of us desire, if it is not too long insisted -upon. We went to the course to revive in ourselves long-lost shivers -not only of idealism, but even of bimetallism, or as it were the double -weight of it.</p> - -<p>"'We thought, since Plato is evidently named after platinum, which we -know to be the dearest of precious metals, his philosophy must treat of -such emotions as cost us the greatest sacrifice.</p> - -<p>"'Platonic love is the most comfortable of subjects to talk or think -about. It makes you look innocent, and yet on its brink there are such -nicely dreadful possibilities of plunging into delightful abysses. Each -thing gets two values; one Platonic, the other,—the naughty value. A -whole nude arm may be Platonic; but a voluptuous wrist peeping out of -fine laces may be only—a tonic.</p> - -<p>"'Now these are precisely the subjects of which we desired to hear -in those lectures. Instead of which the man said nothing about them, -nothing about that dear Platonic love; in fact, he said that Plato -never speaks of what is now called Platonic love. And that man calls -himself a scholar? Why, my very chamber-maid knows better. The other -day she saw the lecturer's photo in a paper and, smiling in an -embarrassed way, she said to the cook: "That's the man what talks at -Cliradge's about miscarriages." Was she not right? Is not Platonic love -the cause of so many miscarriages, before, during, or after the wedding -ceremony?</p> - -<p>"'And then,' she added with a gasp, 'we all knew that Plato was a -mystic, full of that shivery, half-toney, gruesomely something or other -which makes us feel that even in everyday life we are surrounded by -asterisks, or, as they also call them, astral forces.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span> Was not Plato -an intimate friend of Mrs Blavatsky, the sister of Madame Badarzewska, -who was the composer of "A Maiden's Prayer"? There! why then did that -lecturer not talk about palmistry, auristry, sorcery, witchcraft, and -other itch-crafts? Not a word about them! We were indignant.</p> - -<p>"'A friend of mine, Mrs Oofry Blazing, who talks French admirably, -and whose teeth are the envy of her nose, declared: "<i>Cet homme est -un fumiste</i>." Of course, he sold us fumes, instead of perfumes. One -amongst us, an American woman of the third sex, told the man publicly -straight into his face, and with inimitable delicacy of touch: "Sir, -what are you here for?" Quite so; what <i>was</i> he there for? We wanted -Plato, and nothing but Plato. One fairly expected him to begin every -sentence with P's, or Pl's. Instead of that he wandered from one -subject to another. One day he talked about the general and the -particular; the other day about the particular and the general. But -what particular is there in a general, I beg of you? Is an admiral not -much more important? We do not trouble about the army at all. And then, -and chiefly, what has a general to do with Plato? The lectures were -not on military matters, but on the most immaterial matters, which yet -matter materially. But, of course, now that you tell me that Socrates, -Plato's master, was a he-midwife, I can very well understand that his -modern disciples are philosophical miscarriages!'"</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The gods laughed heartily, and Sappho asked Plato how he liked the -remarks of Entréa. Plato smiled and made Sappho blush by reminding -her what the little ones had at all times said of her, although not -a tittle of truth was in it. "No ordinary citizen, nor his wife," he -added, "ever wants to know persons or things as they really are. They -only want to know what they imagine or desire to be the truth. This -is the reason why so many men before the public take up a definite -pose, the one demanded by the public. This they do, not out of sheer -fatuity, but of necessity. A king could not afford to sing in public, -no matter how well he sang; it does not fit the image the public likes -to form about a king. In fact, the better he sang, the more harm it -would do him. I have always impressed the little ones as a mystic, an -enthusiast, a blessed spirit, as you Goethe used to call me. Yet my -principal aim was Apollo, and not Dionysus; clearness, and not the -<i>clair-obscur</i> of trances."</p> - -<p>Alcibiades, whose beautiful head added to the charms of Venice, then -continued: "Nothing, O Plato, can be truer than your remark. My lady -friend was a living example of your statement. To me, after so many -hundreds of experiences, her made-up little mask was no hindrance,—I -saw through her within less than a week. She was, at heart, as dry, -as kippered, as intentionalist, and coldly self-conscious as the -driest of Egyptian book-keepers in a great merchant firm at Corinth. -Nothing really interested her; she was only ever running after what she -imagined to be the fashion of the moment. What she really wanted was -to be the earliest in 'the latest.' When she came to the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span> bookshop, -at five in the afternoon, when all the others came, she would ask the -clerk after the latest fashion in novels. She did that so frequently, -and with such exasperating regularity, that one day the clerk, who -could stand it no longer, said to her: 'Madame, be seated for a -few moments—the fashion is just changing.' She, not in the least -disconcerted, eagerly retorted: 'I say, is that "the latest"?' The -clerk gave notice to leave!</p> - -<p>"One day I found her in a very bad humour. When pressed for an -explanation, she told me that just at that moment an elegant funeral -was going on, at which she was most anxious to attend. 'Why, then, do -you not go?' I asked.</p> - -<p>"'Because,' she replied, 'it is simply impossible. Just fancy, that -good woman died of heart failure!'</p> - -<p>"'?'—</p> - -<p>"'You cannot see? Heart failure? Can you imagine anybody to die -of heart failure, when the only correct thing to do is to die of -appendicitis? I telephoned in due time to her doctor, imploring him -to declare that she died of that smart disease. But he is a brute. He -would not do it. Now I am for ever compromised by the friendship of -that woman. Oh how true was the remark of your sage Salami, when he -said that nobody can be said to be happy before all his friends have -died!'"</p> - -<p>Thereupon the gods and heroes congratulated Solon upon his change of -profession: having been a sage, he was now a sausage.</p> - -<p>"The next time I saw my lady friend," Alcibiades continued, "I found -her in tears. Inquiring after the cause of her distress, I learnt:</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span></p> - -<p>"'Just imagine! You know my little pet-dog. I bought him of a -lady-in-waiting. He has the most exquisite tact and feels happy only -in genteel society. An hour ago my maid suddenly left my flat, and -expecting, as I did, a lady of very high standing, I did a little -dusting and cleaning in my room. When my Toto saw that; when he watched -me actually doing housemaid's work, he cried bitterly. He could not -bear the idea of my demeaning myself with work unfit for a lady. It -was really too touching for words. When I saw the refined sense of -genteeldom in Toto's eyes, I too began crying. And so we both cried.'</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>"When I had lived through several scenes of the character just -described, I could not help thinking that we Athenians were perhaps -much wiser than the modern men, in that we did not allow our women -to appear in society. They were, it is true, seldom interesting, nor -physically greatly developed. On the other hand they never bored us -with types of what these little ones call society ladies. I cannot -but remember the exquisite evenings which I spent at the house of -Critias, where one of our wittiest <i>hetairai</i>, or emancipated women, -imitated the false manners, hypocrisy and inane pomp of the society -ladies of Thebes in Egypt. We laughed until we could see no longer. -What Leontion, that <i>hetaira</i>, represented was exactly what I observed -in my lady friend in London. The same disheartening dryness<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span> of soul; -the same exasperating superficiality of intellect; the same lack of all -real refinement, that I found a few centuries later in society in the -times of the Roman Cæsars.</p> - -<p>"London desiccates; whereas Athens or Paris animates. When I gave -up my relation to Entréa, I met a woman of about thirty-four, whose -head was so perfect that Evænetus himself has never engraved a more -absolutely beautiful one. Her hair was not only golden of the most -lovely tint, but also full of waves, from long curls in Doric <i>adagio</i>, -to tantalising Corinthian <i>pizzicato</i> frizzles all round. Her face was -a cameo cut in onyx, and both lovely and severe. Her loveliness was in -the upper part of her face; her severity round the mouth and the chin. -This strange reversal of what is usually the case gave her a character -of her own. Her stark blue eyes were big and cold, yet sympathetic and -intelligent-looking; and her ears were the finest shells that Leucothea -presented her mother with from the wine-coloured ocean, and inside the -shells were the most enchanting pearls, which the sea-nymph then left -in the mouth of the blessed babe as her teeth. She was not tall, but -very neatly made; a <i>fausse maigre</i>. She wrote bright articles, in -which from time to time she wrapped up a big truth in <i>bon-bon</i> paper.</p> - -<p>"There was in her the richest material for the most enchanting -womanhood; a blend of Musarion and Aspasia; or to talk modern style, -a blend of Mademoiselle l'Espinasse with Madame Récamier. She was -neither. Not that she made any preposterous effort to be, what Paris -calls, a Madame Récamier. But London desiccated her. From dry by -nature, she became drier still by London. Being<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span> as dry as she was, she -only cared for mystic things; for what is behind the curtain of things; -for the borderland of knowledge and dream. As sand can never drink in -enough rain, so dry souls want to intoxicate themselves with mystic -alcohol. In vulgarly dry persons that rain from above becomes—mud; -in refinedly dry souls it is atomised into an intellectual spray. Her -whole soul was athirst of that spray.</p> - -<p>"When I told her that I was the son of Clinias, she wanted to know -first of all, what had been going on at the mysteries of Eleusis. I -told her that, like all the Hellenes, I had sworn never to reveal what -I had seen at the holy ceremonies. This she could not understand. In -her religion the priests are but too anxious to initiate anybody that -cares for it.</p> - -<p>"'Initiate me—oh initiate me—I beg you,' she said, and looked more -beautiful than ever. Her arm trembled; her voice faltered. Even if -I did not respect my oath, I should not have told her the teachings -of Eleusis. They were far too simple for her mystery-craving soul. -So I told her of the Orphic mysteries, and the more she heard of the -extravagant and mind-shaking rites and tenets, the more interested she -became. Her mouth, usually so severe, swung again in pouty lines of -youthful timidity, and her voice got a 'cello down of mellowness.</p> - -<p>"'Let us introduce Orphism into this country,' she exclaimed. 'Will you -be honorary treasurer?'</p> - -<p>"I accepted," said Alcibiades. "Within three days Orphism was presented -as the <i>Orphic Science</i>. The members were called priestesses, -archontes, or acolytes, according to their degree. Within a month<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span> -there were 843 members. Jamblichus was sent for and made secretary. -Costumes were invented; pamphlets printed; cures promised; shares -offered. It was declared that trances and mystic shivers would be -procured 'while you wait'; dreams accounted for; inexplicables -explained; the curtain of things raised every Friday at five, after -tea. Finally the Orphics gave their first dinner at the Hotel Cecil.</p> - -<p>"That was the worst blow. After that I abandoned Orphism."</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span></p> - - - - -<p class="ph2a"><a name="FOURTH_NIGHT" id="FOURTH_NIGHT">FOURTH NIGHT</a></p> - -<p class="center">ALCIBIADES—CONTINUED</p> - - -<p>Hestia now interrupted Alcibiades with the question whether all the -women in nebulous Britannia were as grotesque as those that he had -described.</p> - -<p>Alcibiades smiled and said:</p> - -<p>"Not all of them, but all at times. Women must necessarily adapt -themselves to the nature of their men, as clerks do to that of their -patrons, or soldiers to that of their generals and officers. The -Englishman buys his liberty at the expense of much human capital; -which cannot but make him eccentric and grotesque. The women attune -themselves to him, although no foreigner has a clearer nor a more -depreciative idea of Englishmen's angularity than have English women. -As women they do not, as a rule, care for liberty at all, and hence -consider the sacrifices made by men for liberty as superfluous and -uncalled-for. A woman wants in all things the human note, which the -average Englishman hates. Hence the surprising power of Continental men -over English women. A hundred picked Greeks from Athens, Sicyon and -Syracuse could bring half of all English women to book—for Cytherea. -How could it be otherwise? The animated, passionate, direct talk of a -Greek is something so novel to an English woman that she is as it were -hypnotised by it. She<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span> thinks it is she and her personality that has -given her Continental admirer that <i>verve</i> of expression which she has -never before experienced in the men of her circle. This alone is such -flattery to her that she loses her head.</p> - -<p>"If one resolutely goes on scraping off the man-made chalk from the -manners and actions of English women, one is frequently rewarded -with the pleasure of arriving at last at the woman behind the chalk. -This is more especially the case in women of the higher classes. The -only time in England I felt something of that painful bliss that -mortals call love, was in the case of a lady friend of mine who, under -mountains of London clay, hid away a passionate, loving woman. She -was tall and luxuriously built. Her hands were of perfect shape and -condignly continued by lovely arms, that attached themselves into -majestic shoulders with the ease of a rivulet entering a lake by a -graceful curve. Over her shoulders the minaret of her neck stood -watch. In charming contrast to the <i>legato cantabile</i> of her body was -the <i>staccato</i> of her mind. Her words pecked at things like birds. -Sometimes there appeared amongst the latter an ugly vulture or two; but -there were more colibris and magpies. I had met her for months before -I surmised that there was something behind that London clay. But when -the moment came and the bells began sobbing in her minaret, then I knew -that here was a heart aglow with true passion and with the dawn of hope -divine. Like all women that do truly love, she would not believe me -that I sincerely felt what I said. Doubt is to women what danger is to -men: it sharpens the delight of love. She never became really tender; -ay, she was<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span> amazed and moved to tears at my being so. Her heart was -uneducated; it was <i>gauche</i> at the game of love.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>"Amongst the persons dressed in female attire I also met a number of -beings whom, but for my long stay at Sparta, I should hardly have -recognised as women. A French friend of mine remarked of them: '<i>Ce ne -sont pas des femmes, ce sont des Américaines</i>.' The species is very -much in evidence in London. They reminded me violently of the Spartan -women. They are handsome, if more striking than beautiful. I noticed -that in contrast to European women, American females gain in years what -they lose in dress at night. They look older when undressed. They have -excellent teeth, and execrable hands; they jump well, but walk badly. -Their great speciality is their voice, which is strident, top-nasal, -<i>falsetto</i>, disheartening. The most beautiful amongst them is murdered -by her voice. It is as if out of the most perfect mouth, set in the -most charming face, an ugly rat would jump at one. That voice, the -English say, comes from the climate of America. (This I do not believe -at all; for I have noticed that in England everything is ascribed to -the climate, as to the thing most talked about by the people. Climate -and weather are the most popular subjects in England; the one that is -never out of fashion.) As a matter of fact it comes from the total lack -of emotionality in the Americans;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span> just as amongst musical instruments -the more emotional ones, like the 'cello, have more pectoral tonality, -whereas the fife, for instance, having no deep emotions at all to -express, is high and thin toned.</p> - -<p>"Nothing seemed to me more interesting than the way in which the -American female reminded me of the Spartans and the Amazons. -Could anything be more striking than the coincidence between two -conversations, one of which I had, far over two thousand years ago, -with the Queen of an Amazonian tribe in Thracia, and the other with -the wife of an American flour dealer settled in London? When I called -on Thamyris in her tent, one of her first questions was as to the -latest dramatic piece by Sophocles. I at once saw that the Queen -wanted to impress her <i>entourage</i> with her great literary abilities. I -gave her some news about Sophocles, whereupon she turned round to her -one-breasted she-warriors and said with a superior smile:</p> - -<p>"'You must know that Sophocles is the latest star in Athenian comedy.'</p> - -<p>"She mixed you up, O Sophocles, with Aristophanes. With the American -flour dealer's wife my experience was as follows: He had made my -acquaintance in a bar-room, and invited me to his house. On the way -there he said to me:</p> - -<p>"'My missus is quite a linguist. She talks French like two natives. Do -talk to her French.'</p> - -<p>"When we arrived at the house and entered the drawing-room, a rather -handsome woman rose from an arm-chair, and stepping up to me said -something that sounded like '<i>Monsieur, je suis ravie de faire votre -connaissance</i>'; I thanked her, also in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span> French, when suddenly she bowed -over me and whispered in American fifes:</p> - -<p>"'Don't continue, that's all I know.'</p> - -<p>"When I left, the husband accompanied me to the door. Before I took -leave, he twinkled with his right eye, and asked me with a knowing -look, 'Well, sir, what do you think of the linguistic range of my -madame?'</p> - -<p>"I did not quite know what to reply. At last I said: 'Like a true -soldier she fights on the borderland.'</p> - -<p>"One of the strangest things to note in London society is the -fascination exercised by American women on Englishmen. Many of the -really intelligent men among the English are practically lost as -soon as the American woman begins playing with the little lasso of -thin ropes which she carries about her in the shape of an acquired -brightness and a studied vivacity. The most glaring defects of those -women do not seem to exist for the average Englishman. He takes her -loud brightness for French <i>esprit</i> dished up to him in intelligible -English. Her total lack of self-restraint and modesty he takes for a -charming <i>abandon</i>. The real fact is that he is afraid of her. She -may have many a bump: she certainly has not that of reverence. Her -irreverent mind makes light of the <i>grandezza</i> of Englishmen, and thus -cows him by his fear of making himself ridiculous.</p> - -<p>"The first American woman (—<i>sit venia verbo</i>, as you would say, O -Cicero—) I met in London was one married to an English lord. She was -tall, well-built, with rich arms and hips, an expressive head, very -fond of the arts, more especially of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span> music. Even her head, which was -a trifle square, indicated that. When she learnt that I really was the -famous Alcibiades, her excitement knew no bounds. She was good enough -to explain it to me:</p> - -<p>"'Just fancy that! Alcibiades! (They pronounce my name Elkibidees.) I -am simply charmed! I have so far every year introduced some new and -striking personage into drawing-rooms, in order to stun the natives of -this obsolete island. I have brought into fashion one-legged dancers; -three-legged calves; single-minded thought-readers; illusionists; -disillusionists; disemotionists; dancers classical, mediæval, and -hyper-modern; French lectures on the isle of Lesbos, after a series of -discourses on the calves of the legs of Greek goddesses in marble; not -to forget my unique course of lectures given at the drawing-room of the -dearest of all duchesses, on the history of <i>décolletage</i>.</p> - -<p>"'This year, to be quite frank with you, Mr Elkibidees, I meant to -arrange in the magnificent drawing-room of an Oriental English lady, -the uniquest and at the same time the boldest exhibition ever offered -to the dear nerves of any class of women. I cannot quite tell you what -it was going to be. I can only faintly indicate that it was to be a -collection of all the oldest as well as latest inventions securing the -tranquillity of enjoying just one child in the family. This, I have no -doubt, would have been the greatest sensation of the season.</p> - -<p>"'The city of Manchester and the town of Leeds would have publicly -protested against so "immoral" an exhibition. Of course their -councillors would<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span> have done so after careful study of the things -exhibited. Three bishops would have threatened to preach publicly in -Hyde Park; while five archdeacons would have volunteered to be the -honorary secretaries of so interesting an exhibition.</p> - -<p>"'I communicated the idea to Father Bowan, a virulent Jesuit, who -in the creepiest of <i>capucinades</i>, delivered on most Sundays during -the season, gives us the most delightful shivers of repentance, and -likewise many an inkling of charming vice of which we did not know -anything before we learned it from his pure lips. He was delighted. -"Do, my lady, do do it. I am just a little short of horrors, and your -exhibition will give me excellent material for at least four Sundays. -I hope you have not forgotten to illustrate by wax figures certain -methods, far more efficient than any instrument can be, and most -completely enumerated and described in the works of members of our -holy Order, such as Suarez, Sanchez, Escobar, and others. Should you -not have these works, I will send you an accurate abridgment of their -principal statements of facts."</p> - -<p>"'When I heard the Rev. Father talk like that, I could scarcely control -myself with enthusiasm in anticipating the huge sensation my exhibition -was sure to make. It would have been the best fed, the best clad, and -the most enlightened sensation ever made in England since the battle of -Hastings. I really thought that nothing greater could be imagined.</p> - -<p>"'And yet, when I now come to think what a draw you will be, Mr Elki, -if properly taken in hand, duly advertised, adroitly paragraphed, -con<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span>stantly interviewed, and occasionally leadered,—when I think of -all that, I cannot but think that I shall have in you the greatest -catch that has ever been in any country under any sun. In fact, I have -my plan quite ready.</p> - -<p>"'I will announce a big reception, "to meet" you. Some ladies will, -by request, arrive in Greek dress. The public orator of one of the -great Universities will address you in Greek, and you will reply in -the same language. Then three of the prettiest daughters of earls and -marquesses will dance the dance of the Graces, after which there will -be a dramatic piece made by Hall Caine and Shaw, each of them writing -alternate pages, the subject of which will be the Thirty Years' War, in -which you excelled so much.'</p> - -<p>"I interrupted her," said Alcibiades, "remarking that the Thirty Years' -War was two thousand years after my time; my war was the Peloponnesian -War.</p> - -<p>"'Very well,' she exclaimed, 'the Peloponnesian War. I do not care -which. Hall Caine will praise everything in connection with war, in his -best <i>Daily Nail</i> style. He is, you know, our leading light. He always -wants to indulge in great thoughts, and would do so too, but for the -awkward fact that he cannot find any.</p> - -<p>"'Shaw, on the other hand, will cry down in choicest Gaelic all the -glories of war. It will be the biggest fun out.</p> - -<p>"'And then, <i>entre nous</i>, could you not bring with you a Lais, a Phryne -or two, in their original costumes as they allured all you naughty -Greeks in times bygone? It would be charmingly revolting.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span> When I dimly -represent to myself how the young eagles of society will tremble with -pleasure at the thought of adding to their lists of conquests, in pink -and white, a Corinthian or Athenian <i>demi-mondaine</i> of two thousand -years ago, I feel that I am a Personality.</p> - -<p>"'If I could offer such an unheard-of opportunity I should get first -leaders in the <i>Manchester Guardian</i> and mild rebukes, full of secret -zest, in the godly <i>Guardian</i>; let alone other noble papers read by the -goody-goody ones. The <i>Record</i> would send me a testimonial signed by -the leading higher critics. I should be the heroine of the day and of -the night.'"</p> - -<p>The gods and heroes encouraged Alcibiades by their gay laughter to tell -them all that happened at the "At Home" of his American lady friend, -and he continued as follows:</p> - -<p>"When the evening of the Greek <i>soirée</i> came, I went to the -drawing-room in company with Phryne and Lais, who were most charmingly -dressed as flute-girls. When we entered the large room we saw a vast -assembly of women and men, mostly dressed in the preposterous fashion -of the little ones. The women looked like zoological specimens, some -resembling Brazilian butterflies, others reptiles, others again snakes -or birds of prey. The upper part of their bodies was uncovered, -no matter whether the rest of the body had gone through countless -campaigns enlivened by numerous capitulations, or whether it had just -expanded into the buds of rosy spring. The men looked like the clowns -in our farces. They wore a costume that no Greek slave would have -donned. It was all black and all of the same cut. Instead of looking -enterprising, they all looked like<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span> undertakers. Each of them made -a nervous attempt to appear as inoffensive, and as self-effacing as -possible; just like undertakers entering the house where a person had -died.</p> - -<p>"When we entered the room the whole assembly rose and cried: -'Cairo—Cairo!' (they were told to cry <i>Chaire</i>—but in vain). I -could distinctly hear remarks such as these: 'How weird!'—'Is it not -uncanny?'—'It makes me feel creepy!' After a few minutes there was -a deep silence, and an elderly gentleman came up through the middle -of the room and, bowing first to us and then to the people assembled, -stepped up to the platform and began a speech in a strange language, -which I vaguely remembered having heard before.</p> - -<p>"Phryne suddenly began to giggle, and so irresistible was her laughter -that both Lais and I could not but join her, especially when in words -broken by continuous laughter she told us:</p> - -<p>"'The old gent pretends to speak Athenian Greek!'</p> - -<p>"It was indeed too absurd for words. There was especially that vulgar -sound <i>i</i> constantly recurring where we never dreamt of using such a -sound; and our beautiful <i>ypsilon</i> (γ) he pronounced like the English -<i>u</i>, which is like serving champagne in soup-plates. When he stumbled -over an <i>ou</i>, he pronounced it with a sound to which dentists are -better accustomed than any Athenian ever was, and our deep and manly -<i>ch</i> (χ) he castrated down to a lisping <i>k</i>. I remember -Carians in Asia Minor who talked like that. Our noble and incomparable -language, orchestral, picturesque, sculptural, became like the Palace -of Minos which they are excavating at<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span> present: in its magnificent -halls, eaten by weather and worm, one sees only poor labourers and here -and there a directing mind.</p> - -<p>"I imagined that the good man meant by his speech to welcome me back -into the world, and so when my turn to answer him came, I got up and, -leaning partly on Phryne and partly on Lais, who stood near me, I -replied as follows, after speaking for a little while in Attic, in the -language of the country:</p> - -<p>"'It is indeed with no ordinary satisfaction that I beg to thank -you, O Sophist, and you here present for the pleasant reception that -you have given us. My lot has on the whole not been altogether bad. -Your studious men, it is true, affect to condemn me, my policy, -and my private life. Perhaps they will allow me to remark that the -irregularity of my past morals is a matter of temptations. Diogenes -used to tell us that one of my sternest historian-critics in Syracuse -left his wife, children and house on being for once tempted by the -chamber-maid of one of my passing caprices; and the historians of your -race who so gravely decry a Madame de Montespan would, did Madame only -smile at them, incontinently fall into a fit of hopeless moral collapse.</p> - -<p>"'But if your men write against me, irrespective of what they really -feel about me, I am sure your women take a much more lenient view of -the case.'</p> - -<p>"(Discreet applause.)</p> - -<p>"'They feel that ambition did not eat up all the forces of my soul, and -that in worshipping Ares (Mars), I never forgot the cult of Aphrodite -(Venus) either. We Hellenes ventured to be humans, and that is why now -we have become demi-gods. You,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span> my friends, do not even venture to be -humans, and that is why you remain the little ones.</p> - -<p>"'I notice in the northern countries of Europe men do not, or to a -very small degree care for women. Perhaps that is the reason why the -Roman Catholic idea of the Holy Virgin has had no lasting hold on these -nations.</p> - -<p>"'I have seen,' continued Alcibiades, 'too many faces, masks, and -pretences to be much impressed by the apparent indifference of the -northerner to the charms of women. It never meant more than either an -unavowed inclination towards his own sex, or sheer boorishness. Even we -Hellenes had very much to suffer from our political and social neglect -of women outside emancipated ones. The Romans acted much more wisely in -that respect; while the nation of our hostess has practically become -what we called a <i>gynæcocracy</i> or women's rule, where man is socially -what our Greek women used to be: relegated to the background. I hear, -this is the privilege of Englishmen. I understand. When I was young I -learnt but too much about that privilege.</p> - -<p>"'But if I should be asked for advice I would tell your men to take -your women much more seriously. I know that Englishmen are much more -grave than serious; yet with regard to women they ought to be much more -intent on considering them in everything their mates, and in several -things their superiors. Of course, this is an unmilitary nation; and -such nations will always remain boors in Sunday dress.</p> - -<p>"'One of your great writers who, being outside the academic clique, -has always been maligned by the officials, has written a beautiful -essay on the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span> influence of women. Poor Buckle—he treated the problem -as a schoolroom paper. He came to the result that women encourage the -deductive mode of thinking. However, women are more seductive than -deductive, and their real influence is to charm the young, to warm the -mature, and not to alarm the old.</p> - -<p>"'I, being now above the changes of time, I only, contemplate their -charm. And what greater potentialities of charm could one wish for -than those that your women possess? If those magnificently cut and -superbly coloured eyes learned to be expressive; if the muscles of -those fine cheeks knew how to move with speedier grace; if that purely -outlined mouth were more animated—what possibilities of fascination, -like so many fairies, might rise over the dispassionate surface of -those silent lakes! As they are, their several organs are positively -hostile, or coldly indifferent to one another. The forehead, instead -of being the ever-changing capital of the human column, setting off -their beautiful hair, as ivory sets off gold; the shoulders, the seat -of human grace, instead of giving to the head the pedestal of the -Charites; and the arms and hands, instead of giving by their movements -the proper lilt and cadence to everything said or done;—all these -hate one another respectively. The arms do not converse with the face; -theirs is like other conversations: after a few remarks on the weather -all communication stops. So sullen is the antipathy of the arms, that -as a rule they hide on the back, as if begrudging the face or the bust -their company. It is in that way that English women who might be as -beautiful and charming as the maidens of Thebes or of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span> Tanagra, have -made themselves into walking Caryatides, whom we invariably represented -as doing a slavish labour, with their arms on their backs, and with a -heavy load on their heads.</p> - -<p>"'Remove the arms, O women of England, from your badly swung back -and bring them into play in front of your well-shaped bust and your -beautiful faces! Let the consciousness of your power electrify your -looks, your dimples, and your gait; and when from musing Graces you -will have changed into graceful Muses, your men too will be much -superior to what they used to be.</p> - -<p>"'See how little your influence is, as your language clearly indicates. -Is not your language the only idiom in Europe that has completely -dropped that fine shade of sweet intimacy which the use of <i>thou</i> and -<i>thy</i> is giving to the other languages? Is not a new world of tenderest -internal joy permeating the French, German or Italian woman who for -the first time dares to <i>tutoyer</i> her lover? You women of England, the -natural priestesses of all warmth and intimacy, you have suffered all -that to decay.</p> - -<p>"'To your men we Hellenes say: "Imitate us!" To you women, we do not -say so. We ask you to exceed us, to go beyond us, and then alone -when women will be what we Hellenic men were, that is, specimens of -all-round humanity, then indeed you too will rise to the higher status, -and the golden age will again fill the world with light and happiness!'</p> - -<p>"After that speech of mine," continued Alcibiades, "there was much -applause. I mingled with the public, and was at once interpellated by -one of the American ladies present:</p> - -<p>"'Most interesting speech,' she said. 'What I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span> especially liked were -your remarks about thou-ing. And what I want to know most is whether -Caryatides were thou-ing one another?'</p> - -<p>"I was a little perplexed, and all that I could answer was: 'Their -dimples did,' and this seemed to satisfy my American lady marvellously -well.</p> - -<p>"Another lady asked me how many Muses we had, and on hearing that their -number was nine, she was highly astonished. 'Only nine? Why in London -there are mews in every second street. How strange!'</p> - -<p>"A third lady asked me what I meant by shoulders being a pedestal. Her -shoulders, she was sure, were no pedestals, and she would not allow -anyone to stand on them. She added, that she was aware of my having -said that the shoulders were the pedestal of the Charites, but with her -best intention she could not allow even charity to be extended to her -shoulders. I smiled consent.</p> - -<p>"A fourth lady, whose name was Valley, but who was a mountain of -otherwise rosy flesh, asked me what I had meant by maidens of Podagra? -She was sure that young maids never suffered from that ugly disease. I -told her that I really meant Chiragra. This satisfied her marvellously -well.</p> - -<p>"During that time Phryne and Lais were the heroines of the evening, -lionised by women, and courted by men. The women asked them all sorts -of questions and seemed extraordinarily eager to be instructed. One of -them, a brilliant duchess—(who had three secretaries providing her -with the latest information about everything, the first preparing all -the catch-words from A to G, the second from H to N, and the third from -O to Z)—asked Phryne<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span> whether she would not permit her to convince -herself of the accuracy of the estimate in which Hyperides held the -exquisite form of Phryne's bosom. (A middle-class woman thereupon asked -Mr Gox, M.P., what Hyperides meant. Mr Gox told her it was the Greek -for Rufus, son of Abraham.) Phryne volunteered to do so at once, and -the women disappeared in a special room, from where very soon cries -of amazement could be heard. The pure beauty of Phryne enchanted the -women. The sensation was immense, ay immensest.</p> - -<p>"The representative of the <i>Daily Nail</i> offered first £2000, then -£3000, finally £5000 for permission to kodak Phryne.</p> - -<p>"The <i>Bad Times</i> at once prepared a folio edition of <i>The Engravers' -Engravings</i>, payable in 263 instalments, or preferably at once.</p> - -<p>"The <i>Daily Marconigraph</i> started a public discussion in its columns: -'Shall the lower part of the upper anatomy of the female trunk be -unveiled?'</p> - -<p>"The excitement became so universal that Mr Gigerl See at once convened -a national meeting for the erection of ten new statues to Shakespeare; -and General Booth ordered an absolute fast of 105 hours' duration.</p> - -<p>"All the directors of music halls, the next day, stormed Hotel Ritz -where Phryne had a suite of six lovely rooms, and offered impossible -prices for a performance of five minutes. Phryne, after consulting me, -consented to appear at the Palace Theatre, in the immortal scene when, -in presence of the entire population of Athens, she descended into the -sea. Half of the proceeds were to be given to a fund for poor women in -childbed. Endless advertisements<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span> soon filled every available space on -London's walls, parks, newspapers, 'buses, railways, and shops. Tickets -sold at tenfold their original prices.</p> - -<p>"At last the evening came. In the first two rows there were practically -nothing but clergymen. The following rows were filled with lawyers, -M.P.'s and University professors. In the boxes one could see all the -aristocracy of the country. When Phryne's turn came, the orchestra -played Wagner's 'Pilgrim's Chorus,' toward the end of which the curtain -rolled up, and the scene represented the Piræus with apparently -countless people, all in Greek dress. When the expectation was at its -height, Phryne appeared clad only with the veil of her perfect beauty, -and descended into the sea. Before she entered the water she said her -prayers to Aphrodite, and then slowly went into the waves.</p> - -<p>"Everyone in the audience had come to the theatre expecting to be -badly shocked. To their utmost astonishment they found that there -was not only nothing shocking in the scene, but even much to fill -the people with awe. Like all the barbarians, the little ones deem -nudity a shocking sight. What shocked them that night was the fact -that they were not shocked. They felt for a moment that many of their -notions and views must be radically wrong, and that was the only shock -they received. Phryne triumphed over Londoners, as she did over the -Athenians.</p> - -<p>"My American lady friend was in raptures. The incredible sensation her -Elki and his Athenian women had caused in <i>blasé</i> London society made -her the centre of all social centres for a fortnight. She received -innumerable letters from innumerable<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span> people. The greatest writers -that the world has ever seen, such as Miss Cora Morelli, wrote to her -saying, that:</p> - -<p>"'She had from her infancy onward taken a deep interest in Alcibiades -and his time, and that now, having actually seen him, she would -forthwith publish a novel under the attractive title of "The Mighty -Elki," let alone another novel, full of the most delightful shivers, -called "Phry, the Pagan."'</p> - -<p>"Mr Hall Caine, in a thundering article, fulminated against the row -made over Phryne, and solemnly declared that the charms of his Manxman -were incomparably greater. One day Mr Caine called on me. He implored -me to become a Christian, and assured me that the shortest way to that -effect would be to attend a performance of his piece of that name. I -thanked him for his kind offer, but politely declined it. Whereupon Mr -Caine remained musing, until at last he surprised me with the question: -'Mr Alcib, you are the man to solve the problem of my life. Do you not -think I bear a remarkable resemblance to Lord Bacon?'</p> - -<p>"I answered that I could discern no resemblance between him and the -witty Chancellor, but that I was bound to confess that there was a -striking resemblance between him and Shakespeare.</p> - -<p>"Mr Caine smiled a superior smile. 'I wonder,' he said, 'you are not -aware of the fact that Shakespeare was written by Lord Bacon.'</p> - -<p>"'Very strange—very strange,' I replied. 'We in Olympus think that -Shakespeare was written by the victory over the Armada, and published -by Elizabeth and Co.'</p> - -<p>"'Do you really think such stuff in Olympus?'<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span> exclaimed Mr Caine; -'then I do not wonder that I have never been invited to that place. -What has the Armada to do with <i>Hamlet</i> or <i>King Lear</i>? You might just -as well say that my novels were written by our victory at Colenso and -Spion Kop. It is revoltingly absurd. A book is a book and not shrapnel -or bombs. Sir, I am ashamed of you; the purple of red indignation -rises swellingly into my distended physiognomy, and my thought-fraught -forehead sinks under the ignominy of such life-bereft incoherences!'</p> - -<p>"I advised Mr Caine to drink Perrier; he thanked me profusely, and -assured me that he had always done so. He evidently mixed it up -with the Pierian sources of literature which, I learn, provide the -innumerable papers of the Associated Press with the necessary water -under the name of Perrier.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>"In my honour my American lady friend gave, a few days later, a -concert. The little ones call a concert a series of instrumental and -vocal pieces played for sheer amusement, and without any relation to -poetry, dance, or religion. I have these three to four hundred years -accustomed myself to their music, which is thoroughly different from -ours, being polyphonous, whereas ours was never so. Dionysus, who -presides at their music, has often told us that he introduced it into -the modern world in order to show his exceeding power even in times -when the men and women have lamentably fallen from the height of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span> our -Grecian culture. Our music was essentially Apollinic; that of the -moderns is Dionysiac. You remember, O Zeus, that even Apollo was moved -when three of the moderns had the honour to perform before him. Even he -praised Mozart, Chopin, and some pieces of Weber. You need not blush, -Frédéric, and you might help me to entertain and charm our holy circle -by playing us one of your compositions in which beauty of form is -married in tender love to truth of feeling."</p> - -<p>Thereupon, at a sign of Zeus, Milo of Crotona, the Olympian victor -of all victors, carried a piano on his mighty back, and put it down -gently in one of the mystic barks. Chopin, bowing to the gods, and more -particularly to Juno and Diana, sat down to the instrument and played -the second and the third movement of his E minor <i>Concerto</i>. Round -him waved the three Graces, while Dionysus laid an ivy wreath on his -blessed head. Even the gods were moved, and when Frédéric had ended, -they applauded him with passionate admiration.</p> - -<p>"I wish, O Chopin," continued Alcibiades, "I had known you in my -mortal time. What Terpander and Thaletas, the great musicians, did for -Sparta, you might have helped me to do for Athens. It was not to be. -The thought saddens me still. More than Sophocles and Aristophanes -or Socrates, your incomparable music would have helped to keep the -<i>Kosmos</i> of Athens in due proportions."</p> - -<p>A short pause ensued, and all looked with timidity on Zeus' immovable -face.</p> - -<p>"But let us drop these sorrowful reminiscences and return to the London -concert given by my American hostess.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span></p> - -<p>"She had engaged the best-known artists. For the solo songs she engaged -a woman who had to be carried into the room in a motor chair, and was -not allowed to stand up, before three architects had examined the -solidity of the floor. Her range was from the deep <i>p</i> to the high -<i>l</i>. She sang baritone, and soprano at the same time, and what her -tone wanted in width her <i>taille</i> amply replaced. She sang nothing but -Wagner, whose music, it would appear, is written for two-ton women -only. No smaller tonnage need apply. While she sang, three dozen -violins executed the tremolos of five hundred whimpering children, -while forty counter-basses gave, every three minutes, a terrible grunt -in <i>x</i> minor. There were also fifteen fifes, and twenty-one different -kinds of brass instruments, some of which had necks much longer than -that of the oldest giraffe. The music was decidedly sensual and -nerve-irritating. It was full of chords, both accords and discords, -and what little melody there was in it was kneaded out into a tapeworm -of prodigious length and such hydralike vitality, that no matter how -frequently the strings throttled off its head, it yet constantly -recurred bulging out a new head.</p> - -<p>"The men present liked the singer; the women adored the music. It gave -them all sorts of shivers, and although they did not understand it at -all, they yet felt that here was a new shiver. Or as one of them, the -bright Mrs Blazing, remarked: '<i>Quel artiste que ce M. Wagner!</i> He has -translated into music the grating noise of a comb on silk, the creaking -of a rusty key in an old lock, and the strident rasp of a skidding -sleigh or motor on hard-frozen snow.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span></p> - -<p>"The next artist was a Belgian violinist. For reasons that you alone, -O Zeus, could tell us, the Belgians are credited with a special gift -for pulling strings in general, and those of the violin in particular. -Being a nation midway between the Germans and the French, they are -believed to possess much of German musical talent and something of -French elegance. This would easily make them good 'cello players. -But not satisfied with the 'cello, in which they have excelled more -than one nation, they must needs be great violinists too. However, -the violin, while not at all the king of instruments, is yet the most -vindictive and jealous amongst them. It is like the Lorelei: it allures -hundreds, only to dash their bones against the rock of Failure. It -wants the delicacy of a woman and the strength of a man. It requires -the soul of spring and the heart of summer to play it well.</p> - -<p>"A Belgian is <i>eo ipso</i> debarred from reaching the height of -violin-playing; just as a Chinaman, with his over-specialised mind, -can never well play the orchestral piano. A Belgian heart is moving -in a colourless and slouching <i>andante</i>; the violin moves in a -profoundly agitated <i>adagio</i> or <i>allegro</i>. The violin is the instrument -of luckless nations, such as were formerly the Italians, the Poles, -and the Hungarians who gave us Paganini, Wienavski and Joachim. The -Belgians have nearly always enjoyed the <i>embonpoint</i> of fat prosperity. -'<i>Leur jeu bedonne</i>,' as Mrs Blazing would say.</p> - -<p>"The Belgian played your <i>Chaconne</i> in D minor, O Bach."</p> - -<p>At these words of Alcibiades all the thinkers and poets present rose -from their seats and bowed to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span> John Sebastian, who stood near Strabo -and Aristotle, being exceedingly fond of geographical lore. Even the -gods applauded and Polyhymnia allowed him to kiss her hands.</p> - -<p>"You remember, O John Sebastian, when I met you near Lützen at one of -your solitary walks and you spoke to me of your <i>Chaconne</i>. I listened -with rapt attention and told you that your composition, which you -then played to me on a violin which the old inn-keeper lent you and -which had just arrived from Steiner in Tyrol, rendered as perfectly -as possible the sentiments I had felt when for the first time in my -life I went to the Oracle at Dodona, where the winds rush through the -high oak-trees with a fierce power such as can be heard in no other -spot in Europe. I re-imagined my awe-struck meditations in the holy -grove; I heard the stormy music of Zeus' winds in Zeus' trees; I again -felt all through me the soul-moving chorus of the priests which ends -in a jubilating mood, and finally I left with deep regret at having -to re-enter my life of stress after having spent a day in sacred and -mystic seclusion.</p> - -<p>"When the Belgian artist played it, I listened in vain for Dodona. What -I heard was the rustling of silken tones through the wood of the chairs -and tables at the Carlton. Where was the Oracle? Where the chorus of -the priests? Where their jubilation? The only thing that I found were -my regrets. But the public was charmed. It is imperative to admire the -<i>Chaconne</i>, chiefly because it is played Violin <i>solo</i>. Mrs Blazing -explained the matter to me with her wonted rapidity of mind: 'Why -wonder at our admiration of the <i>Chaconne</i>? Do we not say: "<i>Chacun à -son goût</i>?"'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span></p> - -<p>"The next artist was a pianist, whose name sounded like Pianowolsky -or Forterewsky. He was of course a Pole. The English have long found -out that -welsky or -ewsky goes with the name of a great pianist, as -the pedal goes with the piano. It was for this reason that Liszt, the -Orpheus of the last century, never had any success in England. He ought -to have called himself Franzescowitch Lisztobulszky, and then, no -doubt, he would have scored heavily. Rubinstein had indeed much success -in England, but it is patent that most English took his official name -as a mere abbreviation of Ruben Ishnajewich Stonehammercrushowsky. -The English taste in music is remarkable; it is somewhat like their -taste in fruit. They prefer hothouse grapes to natural ones. In the -same way they prefer the piano music of Mendelmeier, called Bartholdy, -to that of Stephen Heller or Volkmann. What they more particularly -like are the 'Songs without Words' of that composer, which in reality -are <i>Words without Songs</i>. His piano music is nothing but congealed -respectability, or frozen <i>shockingitis</i>."</p> - -<p>Aristoxenus, interrupting Alcibiades, exclaimed: "Do not, O son of -Clinias, forget the man's marvellous compositions for the violin as -well as for the orchestra. Diana frequently commands his <i>Midsummer -Night's Dream</i> when she dwells with her nymphs in the mystic forest -near Farnham Common, where Bartholdy composed it under the trees of -Canute."</p> - -<p>"You are quite right, O master of all Harmony, and I want to speak -only of his piano music. The pianist at the concert had a very fine -profile and beautiful hair. This helped him very much in a country -where the sense of stylishness is exceedingly<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span> acute. A coachman must -have a broad back; a pianist, a fine profile; a violinist, long legs; -a 'cellist, beautiful hands; and a lady singer, a vast promontory. -Once these indispensable qualities are given, his or her music is -practically a matter of indifference.</p> - -<p>"The pianist then performing played well, as long as he played <i>forte</i> -and <i>staccato</i>; but he had neither a <i>legato</i> nor, what was fatal, a -<i>piano</i>, let alone a <i>pianissimo</i>. Fortunately his sense of rhythm was -very well developed; otherwise he did not rise above a first prizeman -of a conservatory.</p> - -<p>"He played a transcription or two by Liszt. This the English condemn; -it appears unlegitimate to them. To please them, one must play one -of the last sonatas of Beethoven, preferably those composed after -his death, that is, those that the man wrote when he had long lost -the power of moulding his ideas in the cast of a sonata, and when -his vitality had been ebbing away for years. A transcription stands -to the original as does an engraving of an oil-colour picture or a -statue to its original. Most people will enjoy a fine engraving of -the <i>Transfiguration</i> or of Our Lady of Milo much more readily than -they would the original; just as I now know that you gave us, O Zeus, -great artists like Scopas, Praxiteles, Lionardo, or Domenichino, -because we could not bear, nor comprehend the sight of the originals -of their divine art, as long as we still move in our mortal coil. The -transcription of some of the ideas of Mozart's <i>Don Juan</i> by Liszt is -the best and most illuminating commentary on that incomparable opera.</p> - -<p>"More interesting than the play were the remarks which I overheard -from among the public. The men dwelt exclusively on the big sums of -money the pianist<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span> made by his 1526 recitals in 2000 towns of the -United States. The profits they credited him with ranged from £15,000 -to £100,000. A Viennese banker present drily remarked that he wished -he could play the difference between the real and the imagined profits -of the virtuoso on a fine Erard piano. The women made quite different -remarks. Said one:</p> - -<p>"'Herr Pianoforterewsky has been painted by royalty.'</p> - -<p>"'Is that so?' said her neighbour. 'What an interesting face! I wish I -could procure a photo of the picture.'</p> - -<p>"'Do you know,' said a third, 'that Herr Pinaforewsky practises -twenty-three hours a day? I know it on the best authority; his tuner -told me so.'</p> - -<p>"'Which tuner? Herr Pinacothekowsky, my dear, has three tuners: one for -the high notes, the second for the middle ones, and the third for the -low notes.'</p> - -<p>"'How interesting! But suppose one of the tuners falls ill. What does -he do then?'</p> - -<p>"'Why, it's simple enough. In that case he only plays pieces requiring -two of the three ranges of notes.'</p> - -<p>"'How intensely interesting! But pray, if you do not take it amiss, my -dear, I learnt that Herr Pedalewsky has only two tuners: one for the -black keys, the other for the white ones.'</p> - -<p>"'My dear, that was so in bygone times when he played sometimes a whole -concert on the black keys alone, being 231 variations on Chopin's -<i>Etude</i> on the black keys. But it made such a sad impression that some -nasty critics said his piano was in mourning<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span> black; other critics said -that he was paid to do so by Mr Jay of Regent Street.'</p> - -<p>"'How excruciatingly interesting! Do you know, my dear, I was told -that Herr Polonorusky plays practically all the time, and even when -he travels he carries with him a dumb piano on which he practises -incessantly.'</p> - -<p>"'How touching! I have heard that too, and believed it, until that -atrocious man who writes for the <i>Bad Times</i> destroyed all my -illusions. He said that if Herr Pantyrewsky did that, he would for ever -spoil his touch. Just fancy that! It is not the touch, but the pose of -that languid, Chopinesque profile over a dumb piano in a rattling car -that was so interesting. And now that horrid journalist spoils it all. -Nay, he added that the whole story was deliberately invented by the -artist's manager.'</p> - -<p>"'How distressingly interesting! You know, my dear, I will not believe -the story about the manager. I know too much about the wonderful -pianist. I have learnt at Marienbad that he had ten teachers at a time, -one for each of his fingers, and that for five years he lived in a tiny -village in Bavaria, because, don't you see, it was so central for the -ten different cities where his teachers lived. For the thumb he rushed -off to Frankfort on the Maine. There is no town like Frankfort for the -study of the thumb. That's why they make such excellent sausages there -which resemble a thumb to perfection. For the index he went to Rome. -And so forth and so on. It is most marvellous.'</p> - -<p>"All during that time," Alcibiades continued, "the pianist was playing -the moonlight sonata of Beethoven. At the end of the piece, the ladies -who<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span> had carried on the lively conversation applauded wildly. 'Was -it not marvellous?' said one to the other. 'Oh—delightful!' was the -answer.</p> - -<p>"So ended the concert. On leaving my seat I met Mrs Blazing.</p> - -<p>"'<i>O mon cher</i>,' she said, 'why do all these women pretend to enjoy -music? They very well know that not one of them cares for it in the -least. I frankly admit that music to me is the anarchy of air, the -French Revolution of sounds, acoustic bankruptcy. All our lives we have -been taught to suppress our emotions, and to consider it ungenteel -to express them in any way whatever. We were told that we must hide -and suppress them—which we have done so successfully that after some -time we resemble to a nicety the famous safe of Madame Humbert. And -then, in flagrant contradiction to all this genteel education, we are -supposed to accept with joy the moanings, cries, sobs, sighs, and other -unsuppressed emotions of some middle-class Dutchman or Teuton dished up -to us in the form of a sonata. It is too absurd for words.</p> - -<p>"'If that lower-middle-class Dutchman Beethoven (or as my Cynthia -calls him: "<i>Bête au vent</i>") wants to exhale his moral distress and -sentimental indigestion, let him do so by all means, but in a lonely -room. Why does he interfere with the even tenor of our well-varnished -life? If my charming Japanese china figures, or my pretty girls and -shepherds in <i>vieux Saxe</i> suddenly began to roar out their sentiments, -I should have them destroyed or sold without any further ado. Why -should I accept such roarings from an ugly, beer-drinking, unmannered -Teuton? Why, I ask you?'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span></p> - -<p>"'Music is the art of poor nations and poor classes. Outside a few -Jews, no great musician came from among the rich classes; and Jews -are socially impoverished. I can understand the attraction of ditties -nursed in the music halls. They fan one with a gentle breeze of -light tones, and here and there tickle a nerve or two. But what on -earth shall we do with such <i>plesiosauri</i> as the monsters they call -symphonies, in which fifty or sixty instruments go amuck in fifty -different ways? The flute tries to serpentine round the bassoon in -order to instil in it drops of deadly poison; the violins gallop -recklessly <i>à la</i> Mazeppa against and over the violas and 'celli, while -the brass darts forth glowing bombs falling with cruelty into the -finest flower-beds of oboes and harps. It is simply the hoax of the -century. Would you at Athens ever have endured such a pandemonium?'</p> - -<p>"'You are quite right, <i>ma très charmante dame</i>,' I said, 'we never -had such music and we should have little cared for it. Our way of -making symphonies was to write epics, crowded with persons, divine and -human, and with events and incidents of all colours and shades. The -Continental nations have lost the epic creativeness proper, and must -therefore write epics in sound. Just as your languages do not allow you -to write very strictly metred poetry such as we have written without -impairing the fire and glamour of poetry, and the only way left for you -of imitating the severe metres of Archilochus, Alcæus or Sappho is in -the form of musical canons, fugues, or other counterpointed music. It -seems to me that you English have not done much by way of music epics, -because, like ourselves, you were busily engaged in writing epics of -quite a different kind: the epic of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span> your Empire. The nations that have -written musical epics, did do so at a time when these were the only -epics they could write,—the symphony of Empire being refused them.'</p> - -<p>"'I see,' said Mrs Blazing. 'You mean to say that our Mozarts and -Beethovens are Lord Chatham, Clive, Nelson and Wellington?'</p> - -<p>"'In a manner, yes. Few nations, if any, can excel both in arts and in -Empire-making, and had you English been able to hold in your imperial -power considerable parts of Europe, say, of France, Germany or Spain, -you would never have had either Walter Scott or Byron, Shelley or -Tennyson. For the efforts required to conquer and hold European -territory would have taxed all your strength so severely that no -resources would have been left for conquests in the realm of the arts -and literature.</p> - -<p>"'This is why the Romans, who conquered, not coloured races, but the -mightiest white nations, could never write either great epics or great -dramas. They wrote only one epic, one drama of first and to this day -unparalleled magnitude: the Roman Empire. I meant to do a similar thing -for Athens, but I failed. I now know why. My real enemies were not in -the camp of my political adversaries, but in the theatre of Dionysus -and in the schools of the philosophers. Do not, therefore, <i>ma chère -amie</i>, begrudge the Germans their great musicians. They are really very -great, and not even your greatest minds surpass, perhaps do not even -equal them. Your consolation may be in this, that the Germans too will -soon cease writing music worth the hearing. They now want to write -quite different epics. And no nation can write two sorts of epics at a -time.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span></p> - -<p>"'I am so glad to hear you say so,' said Mrs Blazing. 'It relieves me -of a <i>corvée</i> that I hitherto considered to be a patriotic duty. I -mean, I will henceforth never attend the representations of the new -school of <i>soi-disant</i> English music. Inwardly I never liked it; it -always appeared to me like an Englishwoman who tries to imitate the -<i>grâce</i> and <i>verve</i> of a Parisian woman, with all her easy gestures, -vivacious conversation, and delicate coquetry. It will not do.</p> - -<p>"'We English women do not shine in movement; our sphere is repose. We -may be troublesome, but never <i>troublante</i>.</p> - -<p>"'Even so is English academic music. And I now see why it must be so. -It is not in us, because another force takes its place. Like all people -we like to shine in that wherein we are most deficient, and the other -day I was present at a scene that could hardly be more painful. At the -house of a rich and highly distinguished city man I met the famous Sir -Somebody Hangar, the composer. The question arose who was the greatest -musician? Thereupon Sir Somebody, looking up to the beautiful ceiling -of the room, exclaimed dreamily: "Music is of <i>very</i> recent origin...." -One of the gentlemen present then asked Sir Somebody whether he had -ever heard the reply given to that question by the great Gounod? Sir -Somebody contemptuously uttered: "Gounod? It is not worth hearing." I -was indignant, and pointedly asked the gentleman to tell us Gounod's -reply. The gentleman, looking at Sir Somebody with a curious smile, -related:</p> - -<p>"'Gounod, on being asked who in his opinion was the greatest musician, -said: "When I was a boy of twenty, I said: <i>moi</i>. Ten years later I -said: <i>moi et<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span> Mozart</i>. Again ten years later I said: <i>Mozart et moi</i>. -And now I say: <i>Mozart</i>."'</p> - -<p>"This reply," said Alcibiades, "has Attic perfume in it. Having -suffered so much, as I have, at the hands of musicians in my time, when -dramatic writers were as much musicians as dramatists, I have in my -Olympian leisure carefully inquired into the real causes of the rise of -modern music.</p> - -<p>"'You said a few moments ago, <i>ma très spirituelle dame</i>, that -music is the art of poor classes. There is this much truth in that, -that modern music has indeed been almost entirely in the hands of -middle-class people. This being so, everything depends on the nature -and dispositions of the middle class in a given country. In England, -for instance, the middle class is totally different from that of -France or that of South Germany, the home of German music. The English -middle class is cold, dry, <i>gaffeur</i> to the extreme, afflicted with a -veritable rage for outward respectability, unsufferably formalist, and -deeply convinced of its social inferiority. In such a class nothing -remotely resembling German or French music can ever possibly arise. -Such a class furnishes excellent business men, and reliable sergeants -to the officers of imperial work. But music can no more grow out of it -than can a rose out of a poker.</p> - -<p>"'This middle class is the result of British Imperialism, and this is -how Imperialism has prevented and will, as long as it lasts, always -prevent the rise of really fine music in the higher sense of the term. -This is also why we Hellenes never achieved greater results in music. -Like the English, or the Americans, we never had a real <i>bourgeoisie</i>, -or the only possible foster-earth of great music. However, -<i>bourgeoisie</i><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span> is only a historic phenomenon, one that is destined to -disappear, and with it will disappear all music. Mr Richard Strauss is -singing its dirge.'"</p> - -<p>When Alcibiades had finished his entertaining tale of women and -music in England, the gods and heroes congratulated him warmly, and -Zeus ordered that, under the direction of Mozart, all the nymphs and -goddesses of the forests and seas shall sing one of the motets of Bach. -This they did, and all Venice was filled with the magic songs, which -were as pure as those produced by the nymph Echo in the Baptistry at -Pisa. All the palaces and the churches of Venice seemed to listen with -melancholy pleasure, and St Mark's hesitated to sound the hour lest the -spell should be broken. When the motet was ended, the gods and heroes -rose and disappeared in the heavens.</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span></p> - - - - -<p class="ph2a"><a name="THE_FIFTH_NIGHT" id="THE_FIFTH_NIGHT">THE FIFTH NIGHT</a></p> - -<p class="center">CÆSAR ON THE HOUSE OF COMMONS</p> - - -<p>On the fifth night the gods and heroes assembled in the city of Rome. -Their meeting-place was the Forum. The eternal city lay dormant -around them, and Zeus, who had for the time recalled into existence -the magnificent temple built in his honour, which used to adorn the -incomparable centre of Roman might and splendour, sat in front of it, -surrounded by the Flamines and the last Pontifex Maximus aided by the -last Vestal Virgins. On the <i>via sacra</i> there was an unending flow of -thronging Romans and Greeks, and Cicero was seen talking with great -animation with Julius Cæsar, while Augustus seemed to chide Tacitus -with mild irony. Cornelius Scipio Africanus was deeply engaged in a -conversation with Pericles, and Marcus Antistius Labeo discussed law -with Plato. From afar the wind brought the sounds of the bells of the -Vatican, at the hearing of which all conversation stopped; and when -a few minutes later a choir intoned a hymn in a neighbouring church, -the Pontifex and the Flamines veiled their heads in dumb resignation, -and the Vestal Virgins looked up to Zeus as if imploring him for help. -A pause followed. But soon the moon rose over the majestic Palatine -hill; the Graces performed a soulful dance, and finally Zeus asked -Caius Julius Cæsar to entertain them<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span> with his experiences during his -third travel in England which, as he said, he had, in addition to his -two landings during his mortal life, recently made after nearly two -thousand years.</p> - -<p>Cæsar, standing near the house of the Senate of ancient Rome, thus -addressed the divine Assembly:</p> - -<p>"It is, O Jupiter and all the other gods and heroes, a singular -pleasure and honour to me to address you on a topic so important and -interesting. When I arrived in England for the third time (—I started -from Dunkerque to avoid giving offence to the 112 scholars who have, -each to his complete satisfaction, proved 112 different spots on the -French coast between Boulogne and Calais wherefrom I am supposed to -have started for England in my mortal time—) I was received by no -wilder tribe than a few customs officials, who asked me whether I had -any cigars in my toga. On my denying it, they searched me, and finding -none they let me go. Two hours later I arrived in London, which I found -ugly beyond words. I can understand that you, O Canova, cried on seeing -it. What struck me most was its surprising silence, which contrasted -very strongly with the noise of Rome, or Paris. I mentioned this to a -casual acquaintance, who stared at me in despair, exclaiming: 'Silence, -sir? Why, the noises of London drive half of us to madness. Here, take -that (—he handed me a bunch of printed papers—) read it carefully -and join us.' On looking into the papers I found that they contained -a prospectus of a vast 'Society for the Abatement of Street-Noises in -London.'</p> - -<p>"This made me somewhat thoughtful. It was<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span> quite clear to me that the -unattractiveness of London is owing chiefly to its lack of animation, -to its silence. I soon found out that silence is the dominating -institution of that country. To talk is to infringe the principal law -of their language. They want to see their language noiselessly, and -not to hear it. Hence they constantly read printed language on wooden -paper, in a wooden style, on wooden matters. This they call 'the -daily Press.' I met one of the chief writers on their most popular -paper, and he assured me that the editor solemnly warns each of his -contributors not to indulge in any attempt at <i>esprit</i> or brilliancy of -any sort; for, should he do so, the editor would be forced to dismiss -him forthwith. All that the contributor is allowed to do is to make -startling headlines, such as:</p> - -<p style="margin-left: 5%"> -'Delicious puddings made out of wood.'<br /> -<br /> -'New aqueducts full of milk for the people.'<br /> -<br /> -'Discovery of wireless telegraphy among the -ancient Egyptians.'<br /> -<br /> -'Discovery of the pin-cushion to Cleopatra's -needles.'<br /> -<br /> -'Trunk murder: a man assassinates his widow.' -</p> - -<p>That same editor, on my asking him why he allowed such crying -stupidities in the headlines, and nothing but the most platitudinous -stuff in the body of the article, gave me the following answer:</p> - -<p>"'My dear sir, our public has nerves but no intellect. Hence we work -for sudden, rapid shocks to their nerves, and no fatigue to their -intellect. They not only do not think; they do not want to think. -They are practically convinced that thinking<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span> is the perdition of -all common-sense. Just let me give you an example. There is among -the younger writers one whose mind is singularly suggestive and -nimble. He really has something to say, and can say it well. However, -unfortunately, he says it in what are, apparently, contradictory and -circuitous terms. This my readers cannot grasp; it fatigues them. They -complain of that man's writings as being "heavy," "hard to follow." -This is the consequence of the vogue of music halls. One may say that -the popular University of this country, where the average man gets most -of his ideas from, is the music hall. What, then, can we editors do -better than imitate the style and substance of the music hall? Shocks -to the nerves—and no fatigue to the intellect. <i>Voilà!</i>'</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>"On my way home I met Columbus. He told me, and no man ever spoke with -more solid right, that he was the greatest benefactor to England. But -for him, who by discovering the New World placed England in the very -centre of the intelligent and wealthy nations, while formerly England -was somewhere on the 'other end of all the world'; but for him, he -said, England could never have had her unique leverage. 'You, Cæsar,' -he added, 'discovered England, as the Vikings discovered America; I did -not discover it, I made it. But would you believe me that thousands -and thousands of Englishmen have scarcely ever heard my name? They<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span> -constantly talk of their race as born to rule. But what would they -have ruled without me? The ponds in Lincolnshire. You wonder at their -tongue-tiedness. I will tell you what it means. The English are neither -talkers nor thinkers; they are almost exclusively men of action; or -used to be. They have no intellectual initiative. They have started -neither the Renascence, nor the Great Discoveries of my time, nor the -Reformation, or the three greatest factors in the formation of modern -Europe. All this was first started by us Italians. We can both talk -and think and create; but we are not good at actions. The English are -good only at action. This is the be-all and end-all of their history. -Have you ever seen their Parliament? Do not omit attending it. You will -there learn something that no other Assembly can teach you. It rarely -contains a great orator, for oratory is of little use in an Assembly -with an iron party discipline, and with members every one of whom is -amenable to no argument that has not had the august privilege of being -born in his own mind. And since his mind brings forth none, he moves in -a vicious circle!'</p> - -<p>"'Would you not,' I asked Columbus, 'accompany me to the House of -Commons?'</p> - -<p>"'Readily,' said the great Genoese. And next day we repaired to the -'first club of the country.'</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>"The hall was curiously unfit for the business of a national Assembly. -It is neither large, nor light<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span> enough. The acoustics are fair, but -superfluous. For, who cares very much what any member other than -himself is saying? In the midst there is a porter's lodge, in which -sits a gentleman in the attire of the eighteenth century. This, as -behoves a conservative Roman, did not meet with my disapproval. -The only objection I made was that in my opinion he ought to have -been clothed in all the various costumes in use since Magna Charta. -The English, and the rest of the little ones, in utter contrast to -ourselves, constantly vary their dress. We preferred to vary our inner -selves.</p> - -<p>"The subject of discussion, or rather of a score or so of monologues, -was one of which in my time I have had the amplest experience. They -proposed to give weekly a certain sum of money to anyone of their -citizens who on reaching his seventieth year had arrived at the end -of his financial tether. In my day I had given away millions to -the populace, and my imperial successors had gone even very much -further. The common people was thereby demoralised as is everybody, -even parents, who accepts, year in year out, free gifts from a third -person or his children. Being demoralised, such a recipient of -donations becomes inevitably the most cruel enemy of his donor. Nothing -contributed more to the downfall of Rome. A nation must consist of free -and financially independent citizens, or it loses its most precious -asset. How frequently, O Pericles, have you said to me, how much you -regretted having introduced the same injurious donations into Athens. -But this is the melancholy truth of all history: one learns from -history one thing only, to wit, that no statesman has ever learned -anything from history.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span></p> - -<p>"In the midst of my sad reflections I could yet not help being amused -by the speech of one member of the governing party, who belonged to -that formidable mixture of faddists, formalists, cocksure-ists, and -moral precisians who have in this country an influence that we should -not have given to the members of the most exalted among the Roman -patricians. Much as they are laughed at, they yet have the power of -striking dread into the public and instilling hesitation into the -feeble nerves of statesmen. The name of the orator in question was, if -I am right, Harold Gox. He said:</p> - -<p>"'Mr Speaker, it is with a satisfaction and self-complacency new even -to me that I beg to submit my remarks on a subject than which there is -no greater one; a subject, sir, that has no predicate except that of -immensity; an immensity, sir, that exceeds infinitude itself; and last -not least, an infinitude vaster than all other infinitudes: a moral -infinity. This country, sir, was built up by morals and righteousness. -Righteousness, I say, sir; and I will repeat it: righteousness. How did -we come by our Empire? By righteousness. How did our colonists occupy -vast continents? By righteousness. What was the guiding principle even -of our national debt? Righteousness, in that we contracted it mainly -by paying the foreigner to help us in beating our immoral enemies. -Righteousness is the A and the Z of our glorious polity.</p> - -<p>"'We cannot help being righteous; it is in us, over us, beside, -beneath, and all through us. We have sometimes tried to be unrighteous; -but, sir, we could not. It is not given to us, and we have only what is -given to us.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span></p> - -<p>"'Well then, sir, if that be so, as it undoubtedly is, beyond the -shadow of a doubt; then I venture to say that any person that opposes -the present bill of Old Age Pensions cannot but be an enemy of England, -in that he is an enemy of righteousness.</p> - -<p>"'What indeed, sir, can be fairer, juster, and more equitable than that -they who have laboriously saved up a few sovereigns, should share them -with those that have done everything in their power to have none?</p> - -<p>"'Where there is nothing, there is death. Can a country introduce -death as a regular constituent organ of its life? What in that case -would righteousness do? She would blush green with shame, sir. Nothing -would remain for her but to leave this country and to go to Germany or -Turkey. Could we allow such a disaster? Would it not be necessary to -hold or haul her back by ropes, strings, or any other instrument of our -party machinery?</p> - -<p>"'Just, pray, represent to yourself, sir, or to any other person, the -actualities of the case. Here is a man of seventy. It is a noble feat -of honourable perseverance to reach that age. It is, I make bold to -submit, an evident proof of the favour and countenance of The Principle -of All <span class="smcap">Righteousness</span> that the man was allowed to proceed so -far.</p> - -<p>"'He has worked all such days of his long life as he did not spend in -reverential contemplation of the works of the Almighty. Who can blame -him for that?</p> - -<p>"'I go much further: who can possibly blame him for having focussed his -attention rather on the liquid than on the solid bodies of Creation?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span></p> - -<p>"'Each man has his own way of saying prayers.</p> - -<p>"'Now, after having thus spent a long life in what has at all times -been considered the essence of life; or as the ancient Romans used to -formulate it, after having acted upon the noble doctrine of <i>ora et -labora</i> (pray and work), he finds himself landed, or rather stranded -in the wilderness of penury. Sir, such a state of things is untenable, -unbearable, and unrighteous.</p> - -<p>"'I know full well that people who have never given righteousness the -slightest chance persist in repeating the old fallacy, that a labourer -ought to save up for a rainy day. But, pray, sir, is it not perfectly -clear that this principle is of Egyptian origin, and comes therefore -from a country where there is no rain?</p> - -<p>"'In England, sir, there are 362 rainy days a year; therefore 3620 -rainy days in ten years, 18,100 rainy days in fifty years. How shall, I -ask you, that unfortunate labourer, or grocer, or author, save up for -18,100 days? That takes a capital of at least £25,000. Well, who has -that capital? No one. The nation alone has it. Ergo, the nation must -pay for the rain.</p> - -<p>"'I have, sir, in my locker a great many shots like the preceding, -but I will, out of modesty, not use them all. I will only dwell on -one point. Sir, our opponents contend that the money needed for Old -Age Pensions is not available unless it be taken from funds much more -necessary for the public welfare. Now I ask, which are those funds? -The answer I receive is that the nation needs more defensive measures -against possible invasions on the part of a Continental power.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span></p> - -<p>"'Sir, on hearing such nonsense one is painfully reminded of what Lord -Bacon used to say: "<i>Difficile est satiram non scribere</i>."' (A voice -from the Irish bench: 'Juvenal, and not Lord Bacon!') 'Well, Lord -Percival, and not Lord Bacon, it amounts to the same.</p> - -<p>"'An invasion? Sir, an invasion? How, for goodness' sake, do our -opponents imagine such a thing to be possible? I know they say that -Lord Roberts has declared an invasion of England a feasible thing. But -has Lord Roberts ever invaded England? How can he know? How can anyone -know?</p> - -<p>"'They refer me to William the Conqueror. But, sir, is it not evident -that William could not have done it had he not been the Conqueror? -Being the Conqueror, he was bound to do it. Is there any such William -amongst the Williams of the day? I looked them all up in the latest -<i>Who's Who</i>—but not one of them came up to the requisite conditions.' -(A voice: 'William Whiteley!') 'I hear, sir, the name of William -Whiteley; and I reply that he is now too "Ltd." to undertake such a -grand enterprise.</p> - -<p>"'And more than anything else militating in my favour is the fact that -the Germans do not so much as dream of doing this country the slightest -harm. Look at the relationship between the Kaiser and the King; nephew -and uncle. Who has ever heard that a nephew made war on an uncle? Take -into consideration how the Kaiser behaved when lately visiting England. -Did he not leave huge tips at Windsor? Did he not stroke children's -cheeks? Did he not admire our houses? Who else has ever done that? He -talked English all day long, and during part of the night. He read -the <i>Daily Telegraph</i> and took<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span> his tub every morning. Can there be -stronger symptoms of his Anglophile soul?</p> - -<p>"'A few weeks after he left England he went so far in his predilection -of everything English that he even curtailed his moustaches.</p> - -<p>"'His moustaches, sir, these the beacons of the German Empire, the -hirsute hymn of Teutonia, her anchor, her lightning rod, her salvation!</p> - -<p>"'To talk of such a man's hostile intentions against England is to -accuse Dover Cliff, High Cliffe, or Northcliffe, or any other Cliff of -base treachery. No, sir, there is no need of new expenses for defence -on land; and as to the sea, we have only to follow the Chief Admiral's -advice and go to sleep. Our principal force consists of our power to -sleep on land as well as on sea. Once asleep, we can spend nothing. -In that way there remains plenty of money for the Old Age Pensions, -that glorious corrective of misery, that ventilator of property, and -distillator of other men's pockets. I have not a word to add; the -subject itself talks to every person of sense in a thousand tongues.'</p> - -<p>"When the man had ended," Cæsar continued, "I asked one of the -officials whether the orator was the clown of the house. The official -looked daggers at me. He explained in a solemn voice that the orator -was a staunch Liberal and Cobraite. The latter name was, I learnt, -a little mistake in pronunciation; it ought to have been Cobdenite. -Cobden, I was told, was a very great man. He succeeded in passing a -measure which under the circumstances of his time was not altogether -bad, although it drove the people away from the plough to the factories.</p> - -<p>"However, he, like our Gracchi, imagined that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span> what was good for -his time must necessarily be good for all times. On the basis of a -complete ignorance of the Continent, that is, of the Power that has -always been and always will be the real regulator of the fundamental -policy of England, Cobden thought he had got hold of an absolute truth, -instead of a merely passing and temporary measure. Like all nations -that have never gone through social and political cataclysms and are -necessarily highly conservative, the English are totally lacking in -historic perspective. Men of the class of Cobden, or such as the orator -I had heard, are like their most renowned thinker, Herbert Spencer, -absolutely devoid of historic thinking. They think in categories of -quantity and matter; never in quality made by history.</p> - -<p>"Columbus, who was with me, said:</p> - -<p>"'You need not be unusually excited over what you see. Each nation cuts -a different caper to the riddles and problems of life. The French, who -used to be <i>des hommes</i>, while at present alas! they are only <i>des -omelettes</i>, were in their prime of an aggressive attitude to all that -touched them; the Germans were of an idealising temper, while their -present mood is rather a tampering ideal; the Americans are full of -the exploiting fever; and the English invariably take up a posture of -expectativeness.</p> - -<p>"'They pretend to believe what the Spartan King Archidamus always -said: "One cannot by reasoning disentangle the future." This attitude -pays the English best. First they let it be proved by the Spanish, -Portuguese, Dutch, and more particularly by the French that India can -be conquered, and then—they take it. Even so with Egypt, Canada,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span> the -West Indies, and South Africa. Expectativeness is their motto.</p> - -<p>"'When I came to England trying to persuade them to help me in the -discovery of America, they acted the wise Archidamus, and would not -give me linen for one sail. When I had discovered it, then they took -as much of it, and more than they could swallow. This method of -expectativeness has had much historic quality, to use your words, O -Cæsar, for a time. But I am afraid it is beginning to be worn out.</p> - -<p>"'I for one know (and have you, and Pericles, and Joan of Arc, and -Napoleon, and so many others not told me the same thing when we used to -meet, at the wish of Joan, at Rheims Cathedral?), I for one know what -these little ones do not even dream of, so infatuated are they with the -power of Reason and Science and similar machinery, namely, that our -force to forefeel things of the future is far greater, at least in some -of us, than our capacity to analyse or comprehend things of the present -or the past. Our whole being is not so much an upshot of the past as -a projection of the future. Hence the astounding assurance with which -all of us now assembled in Olympus felt in advance what later on we -actually did carry out. I should have discovered America had it never -existed; as I actually discovered it thinking that I discovered the -eastern side of Asia.'</p> - -<p>"I very well see," said Cæsar, "what you mean. The English have no -forefeeling of things to come. They do not note that their whole -situation in historic space has in the last generation completely -changed, and that therefore their old method of expectativeness, which -lived mainly on the blunders<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span> of other nations, has become quite -obsolete. They are where we were after Zama, after the end of the -Second Punic War, or the end of the third century <span class="smcap">B.C.</span>, as -they say. So they are at the end of their second Hundred Years' War -with France. But while we distinctly felt that after the Carthaginians, -whom we had defeated, we were inevitably compelled to reduce the -Macedonians, and not shrinking from our heavy task we did defeat them, -though with tremendous effort; the English do shrink from doing what -the uncommon sense of the future as well as the common sense of the -present but too clearly tell them to do.</p> - -<p>"The blunder of France and Spain which was the chief ally of England in -former times, I mean, the blunder of these great nations in making war -on England only at times when they had four to ten other wars on hand; -that capital blunder the dominating Power of this moment will never -commit.</p> - -<p>"Germany will not embroil herself in any Continental war while fighting -England. This is indisputable.</p> - -<p>"For the first time in modern times England will be at grips with a -first-class Continental Power which is in a position to concentrate -all her strength on England. This completely novel situation requires -completely novel methods of meeting it. Yet, the average Englishman -is quite unaware of all that. What ruined mighty Macedon? Not the -lack of a powerful army, since our oldest generals, such as Æmilius -Paulus, trembled at the thunderlike onslaught of the famous Macedonian -<i>phalanx</i>, or infantry. But instead of joining the Carthaginians -full-heartedly while we smarted under the scourge of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span> Hannibal, they -misread the whole situation and waited, and waited, until—we were able -to concentrate upon them, even to incorporate the best Greek forces in -our armies, and the end was disaster for Macedon.</p> - -<p>"Just listen to the speech now going on. The Leader of the Opposition -is speaking.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>"'Mr Speaker, I am broadly astonished at the statements of the hon. -member for Alarmville, who has just painted the international horizon -in tints of Indian ink. I cannot imagine where he takes his tints from. -Does he want to pose as a political Tintoretto?'</p> - -<p>"(Much applause—most members send for the <i>Encyclopædia Imperialis</i> to -find out what <i>Tintoretto</i> means.)</p> - -<p>"'The horizon, as everybody knows, is only an imaginary line, and each -man has his own horizon. If therefore the horizon of the hon. member be -as black as jet, I have not much to say against it, and will send him -my condolences. But why should he obtrude his horizon on that of all -the rest of peace-loving humanity? I also have my horizon.'</p> - -<p>"(The hon. member: 'Horizons, if you please.')</p> - -<p>"'Horizons? More than one horizon? Perhaps; it probably needs more than -one to descend to that of the hon. member.'</p> - -<p>"(Opposition members: 'Deucedly clever, by Jove!')</p> - -<p>"'On my horizon I see no cloud, no vapours, no<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span> foundations of any -belief in storms or tempests of any kind. What conceivable reason -should the Germans have for attacking us? I fail, I utterly fail to see -it. I know that my adversaries say that whatever reasons Germany may or -may not have to attack us, we, these people say, we have a plethora of -motives to attack them. This point, this argument is so devoid of point -or argument, that I cannot waste the time of the House in refuting -it. It refutes itself. Why should we attack the Germans? Because we -have no reasons to do so. That is all that one can advance. Do we -want their colonies? Why, we are eternally obliged to them for having -taken them and so rid us of a sterile investment. Do we want part -of Germany? Neither parts nor the whole of it. Have we not ceded to -them Heligoland? Sir, it is, as I said, impossible to detect a single -argument in favour of our attacking Germany. The minds that counsel -such a violent measure are influenced by apprehensions arising out of -future developments. They are anticipative souls to whom the secrets -of the future have been revealed by the timorousness of the present. I -respect souls; I respect timorousness; but I refuse to attribute to it -any oracular wisdom. The future is dark, three shades darker than the -present, which is impenetrable enough as it is.</p> - -<p>"'There remains, then, only the other alternative: Germany seriously -means to attack us. Well, sir, let us analyse this statement. What -earthly good would such an attack do to the Germans? I hear they covet -Denmark and Holland, as the natural outlets of their Empire which at -present is like a muffled head; and since England cannot permit their<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span> -taking possession of Denmark and Holland, the Germans must fight -England. This argument, sir, lacks all the elements of truth. It lacks -geographical force, historical momentum, political sense. Denmark, we -all know, is quite in the east of Germany between the Elbe river and -the Lake of Baikal.'</p> - -<p>"(Uproarious hilarity in parts of the House. A voice: 'Lake Baikal is -in Siberia!')</p> - -<p>"'I hear, sir, Lake Baikal is in Siberia. As if I had not known it, -sir! I say Baikal as the scientific term of Baltic, which is in reality -Bi-Kalic, or rapidly speaking: Baikal.'</p> - -<p>"(Opposition members: 'Deucedly clever—he got out of <i>that</i> scrape!')</p> - -<p>"'Denmark which, as I said, is in the east of Germany does not muffle -her at all. It is a highly artistic country and in the Bay of Catgut -are fished the best strings for violins.'</p> - -<p>"(A voice: 'Sound of Kattegat!')</p> - -<p>"'I hear, sir, that it is the Sound of Kattegat, but I think every -patriotic Englishman says Catgut. But to return to my argument: the -Germans being very musical, love violins, and consequently love the -Kattegat, as the hon. voice says, and love the Danes. As long as the -Danes give their fine catguts, the Germans will certainly not think of -doing them any harm.'</p> - -<p>"(An angry voice: 'But Denmark is in the north of Germany!')</p> - -<p>"'I hear, sir, that Denmark has moved from her ancient moorings. If -that be so, then I can only conclude that Germany has still less reason -to covet the possession of Denmark. For, is it not clear, or<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span> <i>luce -clarius</i>, that Denmark is a sort of nightcap to Germany? The Germans -themselves typify their nation as a <i>Deutscher Michel</i> (Teuton Michael) -with a nightcap on his head. Why, this nightcap is Denmark. The Teuton -likes a nightcap.'</p> - -<p>"(General laughter.)</p> - -<p>"'All Teutons do.'</p> - -<p>"(Renewed laughter.)</p> - -<p>"'Need I say more?</p> - -<p>"'And as to Holland, I am bound to say that it passes my comprehension -how anyone can seriously maintain that Germany covets Holland. I hear -that she covets Holland because it is exasperating to a great Power -like Germany that the entire delta of her greatest river, the Rhine, -belongs to a small and hostile Power. It is asked of me, how I, or -for the matter of that any Englishman, would like to see the mouth -of the Thames in the power of the Belgians? Sir, I should not like -to see that, to be sure. But the case is quite different. We English -have no river like the Rhine, which in its upper course gives the -most generous wine, and in its lower course is nothing but a vile -combination of hydrogen and oxygen, commonly called water. If, for -better illustration, the Thames in her upper course gave the finest -whisky——'</p> - -<p>"(Great uproar among two-thirds of the members, all teetotallers.)</p> - -<p>"'Or, I beg your pardon, ginger beer or cyder, we should not greatly -mind to whom the lower course belonged. But, sir, it is a well-known -and a most patriotic fact that the Thames river contains nothing else -than water. Water, sir, is the panacea of this nation!'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span></p> - -<p>"(Violent applause from two-thirds of the House.)</p> - -<p>"'Yes, the panacea, the salvation, the resurrection, and the -rehabilitation of this country.'</p> - -<p>"(Cries: 'Righteousness!—Righteousness!')</p> - -<p>"'We cannot get enough of it. Water in our throats—in our papers, -books, and speeches. Water in our dramas, novels, drugs; water, -water—three kingdoms for water!'</p> - -<p>"(Wild and frantic applause of the whole House.)</p> - -<p>"'Now, sir, I maintain all this does not hold good with our friends -the Germans. They do drink wine and beer and schnapps. They cannot be -without them. Their Rhine gives them wine in plenty in that part of its -course which belongs to them. What does it, what can it matter to them -to whom the lower part of the Rhine, full of mere water, does or does -not belong?'</p> - -<p>"('Hear! Hear!')</p> - -<p>"'The Germans are a practical nation. Does any person; I say more than -that, <i>can</i> any person say that the Germans will wage a great war in -order to possess themselves of water, when all that time they already -have excellent wine? I could understand, sir, that if the Germans -occupied the watery mouth of the Rhine only, and not its middle and -upper course full of noble wine——'</p> - -<p>"(Several voices: 'Order! Order! Retract noble.')</p> - -<p>"'Well, well, the House will allow me to say "noble" wine, inasmuch as -wine has not only four or fourteen quarters, but innumerable ones.'</p> - -<p>"(Opposition cries: 'Excellent! deucedly clever!')</p> - -<p>"'To return to my argument: I could understand that the Germans, if -they had only the lower course of the Rhine, would forthwith wage war -to acquire<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span> the middle and upper course of the river. We learn from -Tacitus that they are a very thirsty nation, and this authentic news -is, as readers of more modern authors tell me, not given the lie by the -contemporary Germans either. But under the existing circumstances the -Rhine—or Hock—argument, meant to prove German hostility, falls into -the water near the Dutch border, wherever that may be.</p> - -<p>"'There is finally, sir, another so-called argument <i>re</i> Holland and -Germany. It is stated that the Germans covet Holland on account of the -Dutch colonies in Asia and South America. These colonies, as everybody -knows, are exiguous.'</p> - -<p>"(An angry voice: 'About 800,000 English square miles.')</p> - -<p>"'I hear, sir, the Dutch colonies are about 800,000 English square -miles. Of course, my information is taken from Tacitus; and no doubt -since his time some additions have been made to the colonial microcosm -of the Dutch. But even if that were so, and if the Dutch actually -possessed 800,000 square miles of colonies, it is quite patent that -these colonies, if not exiguous in extent, are exiguous in value: -otherwise they would long ago have been governed from Downing Street.'</p> - -<p>"(Approving laughter—half of the members smile knowingly, while the -other half pat themselves on the backs of their neighbours.)</p> - -<p>"'Do you mean to tell me that the Germans will wage an immense war for -the sake of what we have not deigned to pick up? They are, I know, past -masters in the use of offals for purposes of food and drink. But surely -in matters of politics they want more than offals.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span></p> - -<p>"'At the risk of wearying hon. members I should like to add just a -remark or two on another argument of the alarmists. We have seen the -Danish argument; the Hock argument; and the Dutch colonies argument. -There remains one more: the aerial argument. I hear from my valet that -one Chaplin or Zebraline has made a flight or two through the air.'</p> - -<p>"(Voices: 'Zeppelin!')</p> - -<p>"'I hear, sir, his name is Zeppelin; probably an abbreviation of -Mazeppaline, whom Lord Byron has sung so well.'</p> - -<p>"(Opposition members: 'Deucedly clever!')</p> - -<p>"'The flight of Mazeppa has naturally much agitated the Germans, all of -whom can read English. If they could not, what else would they read? I -have never heard of a German literature.</p> - -<p>"'But to resume: the Germans, excited by <i>Mazeppa</i> behold in Herr -Zeppelin an aerial Mazeppa. That is all, as the French say. But, sir, -is it likely that Herr Zeppelin will so perfect his balloon or airship -as to make it available for the transportation of an army corps or -two to England? Suppose he could do so; what would be simpler than to -render his aerial landing in this country impossible? We have simply to -refuse him a patent for the British Empire, and lo! he can never set -foot on the clouds of England.</p> - -<p>"'But the alarmists say that even if Zeppelin's airship could not carry -over whole army corps, they might very well serve for German scouts and -spies, who might explore the secret preparations and defensive measures -made by this country on land.</p> - -<p>"'Well, sir, this apparently strong argument has not an atom of -vitality in it; and for the simplest<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span> of reasons too. The Germans might -send their trustiest Zeppelin No. 10 or No. 50, with their best trained -scouts in it. These scouts might pry into anything in the shape of -military preparations in England; but they will never discover anything.</p> - -<p>"'Why, sir, this is why we make no preparations. We do that simply to -nullify any possible Zeppelin.'</p> - -<p>"('Hear! Hear! Deucedly clever.')</p> - -<p>"'Some critics say that we have lost the old bold imperialist spirit. -But, sir, is it not evident that we are to-day of a greater military -spirit than we ever were formerly? Feeble nations, in order to secure -peace, constantly prepare for war; or as the Latin adage holds it: "<i>Si -vis pacem para bellum</i>." We, on the other hand, make no preparations -for war, because we are so strong as to consider war or peace with -equal equanimity. To sum up: the aerial argument has no more force in -it than the other arguments of the alarmists. If a modern William the -Conqueror should be able to conquer the air, and by a modern battle of -Hazetings (deucedly clever!) enter the mid-air of this country, he will -find Heroes and not Harolds to contest every square inch of Margate -winds, of Lincolnshire rain, or of London smoke. This country, sir, can -be subjugated neither by land, nor by sea, nor by air. Over these three -elements hovers and reigns supreme the indomitable spirit of the race.'</p> - -<p>"(Tremendous applause.)</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>"When the speech of the Leader of the Opposition was ended, Columbus -turned to me," continued Cæsar, "and said: 'I have no doubt, O Cæsar, -that you are fairly sickened by that speech. But, pray, consider that -every word of it was framed and uttered, not to discuss seriously the -German danger, but to get back into power. The speaker is neither so -ignorant nor so foolish as he appears. He made a special effort to -appear absolutely ignorant of geography, because the party in power has -won great renown by an imposing ignorance in that subject. You must not -smile. I say deliberately, imposing. The English hate geography, maps, -atlases, globes. Even in the examinations for the diplomatic service -they do not admit geography as a subject.</p> - -<p>"'Being convinced of the exclusive importance of their own country, -they are simply bored with geographical considerations of any other -country. Some time ago it occurred that not one member of the House -knew whether British Guiana was an island or a peninsula. Of course, -it is neither. It belongs to the <i>bon ton</i> to be ignorant of all -geography; that is, to treat Germany or Denmark or Russia as if one -spoke of some internal province of the Chinese Empire. For similar -reasons, the speaker affected not to see the slightest danger from -Germany. The party in power was elected by the people mainly on the -ground that with the Goody-Goody ones "in," and the Imperialists "out," -the people were safe not to be embroiled in a European war. In order to -take the wind out of the tattered sail of Pacifism the speaker acted as -if the Germans did not so much as dream of doing England any harm.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span></p> - -<p>"All this is most disheartening," said Cæsar. "To treat foreign policy -merely as a card in the little game of electioneering is most injurious -to the interests of a great country. England, like every other country -in Europe, has been made in her Downing Street rather than at the polls -or in Committee-rooms. European currents determine the minor currents -of the home policies of the several countries. You say, and with the -utmost right, O Columbus, that you have given the English their most -powerful leverage. But would you have thought of doing what you did do, -had not a vast event in South-eastern Europe, the coming of the Turk, -driven your countrymen to the discovery of a western route, the eastern -being closed by the Turk?</p> - -<p>"I wish the Parthians in mid-Asia, in my time, had been as strong as -the Turks were in your time. We should have had you while I lived, and -by the discovery of America over fifteen hundred years before you did -discover it, the whole trend of the world's history would have been -different. For you would have given this immense new leverage to the -Roman Empire instead of to little England. It is rather amusing to hear -the English talk of the 'Unspeakable Turk,' a nation to whom they are, -if indirectly, more obliged than to any other nation of the past or -present, excepting the French.</p> - -<p>"The truth is, that no nation makes itself. It is made by itself only -in so far as it reacts against the powerful influence of the others, -its neighbours and their neighbours. If these neighbours are feeble, -and second-rate nations, the reacting nation itself will remain feeble -and second-rate. The greatness<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span> of the present Germans is a veritable -godsend to the English, since the decadence of the French. By reacting -against it properly, England will be newly invigorated.</p> - -<p>"The scribblers of the little ones ascribe the downfall of the Empire -which I founded to the rottenness of my Romans. How untrue! My Empire -decayed because, comprising as it did all the then known civilised -nations, it lacked a great adversary by reacting against whom it might -have reinvigorated itself from time to time. They say the Barbarians, -chiefly the Teutons, overpowered us. Alas! I wish they had been much -stronger than they were. They never overpowered us. Had the Greeks and -Macedonians been able to concert great military measures against us, we -should have been forced to give up the fatal idea of an all-compassing -Empire, and should have finally arrived at a fine and vitalising -balance of power in the Mediterranean.</p> - -<p>"The English ought to welcome, although to combat the rise of Germany. -They imagine that their principal force comes from their colonies. It -will come, not from their colonies, which is geographically impossible, -but from their perennial rivalry with great Continental Powers. These -rivalries made England, made her colonies. To give up these rivalries, -to cease combating great Continental Powers, will be the end both of -England and her Empire. In my time I, together with all my friends, -gloried in my long-drawn conquest of Gaul, and my final victory over -the leader of the Gauls, Vercingetorix. I now wish I had been defeated -at Alesia, and a strong and united Gaul had been established under my -unlucky adversary. What<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span> inestimable centre of healthy rivalry would -Gaul not have been for us! To try to conquer it was right; to have -definitely deprived it of independence was a disaster. Strifeless bliss -prospers only in Olympus."</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span></p> - - - - -<p class="ph2a"><a name="THE_SIXTH_NIGHT" id="THE_SIXTH_NIGHT">THE SIXTH NIGHT</a></p> - -<p class="center">APOLLO AND DIONYSUS IN ENGLAND<a name="FNanchor_1_1" id="FNanchor_1_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_1_1" class="fnanchor">[1]</a></p> - - -<p>It is many years ago that in the Bodleian at Oxford I was shown into -the beautiful room where John Selden's noble library is placed. It is a -lofty, well-proportioned room, and on the walls are arrayed the silent -legions of the great scholar's books.</p> - -<p>At that time I was still fonder of books than of realities, and with -breathless haste I ran over the title-pages and contents of the grand -folios in over fifteen languages, written by scholars of all the -Western nations and of many an Oriental people.</p> - -<p>Then I paused before the fine oil-painting near the entrance of the -room representing the face and upper body of the scholar-patriot. The -face is singularly, touchingly beautiful. The delicately swung lines of -the lips tell at once, more especially in their discreet corners, of -the deep reticence and subtle tact of the man. No wonder my Lady Kent -loved him. The combination of political power, boundless erudition, and -charming male beauty could not but be pleasing to a knowing woman of -the world. His eyes, big and lustrous, yet veil more than they reveal. -He evidently was a man who saw more than he expressed, and felt more -than he cared to show. Living in the troublous times of James the First -and Charles the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span> First, he worked strenuously for the liberties of -his country, while all the time pouring forth works of the heaviest -erudition on matters of ancient law, religions, and antiquities.</p> - -<p>His printed works are, in keeping with the custom of his day, like -comets: a small kernel of substance, appended to a vast tail of -quotations from thousands of authors. Like the unripe man I was, -I liked the tail more than the kernel. Yet I had been in various -countries and had acquired a little knowledge of substance.</p> - -<p>And as I gazed with loving looks at the mild beauty of the scholar, -I fell slowly into a reverie. I had read him and about him with such -zeal that it seemed to me I knew the man personally. Then also I had -walked over the very streets and in the very halls where he had walked -and talked to Camden, Cotton, Archbishop Ussher, Sir Mathew Hale, Lord -Ellesmere, Coke, Cromwell. It was the period that we, in Hungary, had -been taught to admire most in all English history.</p> - -<p>And there was more particularly one maxim of Selden's, which he -carefully wrote on every one of the books of his library, which had -always impressed me most.</p> - -<p>It ran: "Liberty above everything"; or as he wrote it, in Greek: -περἱ παντὁς τἡν ἑλευθερἱαν.</p> - -<p>Yes, liberty—that is, political liberty—above everything else. I had, -like all people born in the fifties of the last century, believed in -that one idea as one believes in the goodness and necessity of bread -and wine. I could not doubt it; I thought, to doubt it was almost -absurd. And so I had long made up my mind to go one day to Oxford and -to make my reverent<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span> bow to the scholar who had adorned the shallowest -book of his vast collection by writing on it the Greek words in praise -of liberty.</p> - -<p>However, before I could carry out my pilgrimage to the Bodleian, I had -been five years in the States. There indeed was plenty of political -liberty, but after a year or so I could not but see that the sacrifices -which the Americans had to make for their political liberty were heavy, -very heavy, not to say crushing.</p> - -<p>And I began to doubt.</p> - -<p>I conceived that it was perhaps not impossible to assume that in -Selden's maxim there were certain "ifs" and certain drawbacks. My soul -darkened; and when finally I arrived at the Bodleian, I went into -Selden's room, and to his portrait, prompted by an unarticulated hope -that in some way or other I might get a solution of the problem from -the man whose maxim I had held in so great esteem for many a long year.</p> - -<p>So I gazed at him, and waited. The room became darker; the evening -shadows began spreading about the shelves. The portrait alone was still -in a frame of strangely white light. It was as if Apollo could not tear -himself away from the face of one who had been his ardent devotee.</p> - -<p>After a while I observed, or thought I did, with a sensation of mingled -horror and delight, that the eyes of the portrait were moving towards -me. I took courage and uttered my wish, and asked Selden outright -whether now, after he had spent centuries in the Elysian fields with -Pericles and Plato, whether he still was of opinion that liberty, -political liberty, is the chief aim of a nation, an aim to be secured -at all prices.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span></p> - -<p>Thereupon I clearly saw how his eyes deepened, and how the surface of -their silent reserve began to ripple, as it were, and finally a mild -smile went over them like a cloud over a Highland lake.</p> - -<p>That smile sent a shiver through my soul. Selden, too, doubts his -maxim? Can political liberty be bought at too great a price? Are there -goods more valuable than political liberty?</p> - -<p>After I recovered from my first shock, I boldly approached the smiling -portrait, and implored Selden to help me.</p> - -<p>And then, in the silence of the deserted room, I saw how his lips -moved, and I heard English sounds pronounced in a manner considerably -different from what they are to-day. They sounded like the bass notes -of a clarionet, and there was much more rhythm and cadence in them than -one can hear to-day. They were also of exquisite politeness, and the -words were, one imagined, like so many courtiers, hat in hand, bowing -to one another, yet with a ready sword at the side.</p> - -<p>To my request he replied: "If it should fall out to be your fervent -desire to know the clandestine truth of a matter so great and weighty, -I shall, for the love of your devotion, be much pleased to be your -suitor and help. Do not hesitate to follow me."</p> - -<p>With that he stepped out from the frame and stood before me in the -costume of the time of the Cavaliers. He took me by the hand, and in -a way that seemed both natural and supernatural, so strangely did I -feel at that moment, we left unseen and unnoticed the lofty room, and -arrived almost immediately after that at a place in the country that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span> -reminded me of Kenilworth, or some other part of lovely Warwickshire.</p> - -<p>It was night, and a full moon shed her mysteries over trees, valleys, -and mountains. On a lawn, in the midst of a fine wood of alders, Selden -halted.</p> - -<p>There were several persons present. They struck me as being Greeks; -their costume was that of Athenians in the time of Alcibiades. I soon -saw that I was right, for they talked ancient Greek. Selden explained -to me that they had left Elysium for a time, in order to see how the -world beneath was going on. In their travels they had come to England, -and were anxious to meet men of the past as well as men of the present, -and to inquire into the nature and lot of the nation of which they had -heard, by rumour, that it had something of the nature of the Athenians, -much of the character of the Spartans, a good deal of the people of -Syracuse and Tarentum, and also a trait or two of the Romans.</p> - -<p>Of those Greeks I at once recognised Pericles, the son of Xanthippus; -Alcibiades, the son of Clinias; Plato, the son of Ariston; Euripides, -the son of Mnesarchos; moreover, a man evidently an <i>archon</i> or -high official of the oracle of Delphi; and in the retinue I saw -sculpturesque maidens of Sparta and charming women of Argos, set off by -incomparably formed beauties of Thebes, and girls of Tanagra smiling -sweetly with stately daintiness.</p> - -<p>Selden was received by them with hearty friendliness, and conversation -was soon at its best, just as if it had been proceeding in the cool -groves of the Academy at Athens.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span></p> - -<p>The first to speak was Pericles. He expressed to Selden his great -amazement at the things he had seen in England.</p> - -<p>"Had I not governed the city of holy Athena for thirty years," he -said, "I should be perhaps pleased with what I see in this strange -country. But having been at the head of affairs of a State which in my -time was the foremost of the world; and having always availed myself -of the advice and wisdom of men like Damon, the musician-philosopher, -Anaxagoras, the thinker, Protagoras, the sophist, and last, not least, -Aspasia, my tactful wife and friend, I am at a loss to understand the -polity that you call England.</p> - -<p>"What has struck me most in this country is the sway allowed to what we -used to call Orphic Associations. In Athens we had, in my time, a great -number of private societies the members of which devoted themselves to -the cult of extreme, unnatural, and un-Greek ideas and superstitions. -Thus we had <i>thiasoi</i>, as we called them, the members of which were -fanatic vegetarians; others, again, who would not allow their adherents -to partake of a single drop of Chian or any other wine; others, again, -who would under no circumstances put on any woollen shirt or garment.</p> - -<p>"But if any of these Orphic mystagogues had arrogated to themselves the -right of proposing laws in the Public Assembly, or what this nation -calls the Parliament, with a view of converting the whole State of -Athens into an Association of Orphic rites and mysteries, then, I am -sure, my most resolute antagonists would have joined hands with me to -counteract such unholy and scurrilous attempts.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span></p> - -<p>"I can well understand that the Spartans, who are quite unwilling to -vest any real power whatever in either their kings, their assembly, -their senate, or their minor officials, are consequently compelled -to vest inordinate power in their few Ephors, and in the constantly -practised extreme self-control of each individual Spartan. In a -commonwealth like Sparta, where the commune is allowed very little, -or no, power; where there are neither generals, directors of police, -powerful priests or princes, nor any other incumbents of great coercive -powers; in such a community the individual himself must needs be his -own policeman, his own priest, prince, general, and coercive power. -This he does by being a vegetarian, a strict Puritan, teetotaller, -melancholist, and universal killer of joy."</p> - -<p>Here Pericles was interrupted by the suave voice of Selden, who, in -pure Attic, corroborated the foregoing statements by a reference to the -people called Hebrews in Palestine. "These men," Selden said, "were -practically at all times so fond of liberty that they could not brook -any sort of government in the form of officials, policemen, soldiers, -princes, priests, or lords whatever. In consequence of which they -introduced a system of individual self-control called ritualism, by -means of which each Hebrew tied himself down with a thousand filigree -ties as to eating, drinking, sleeping, merrymaking, and, in short, as -to every act of ordinary life. So that, O Pericles, the Hebrews are -one big Orphic Association of extremists, less formidable than the -Spartans, but essentially similar to them."</p> - -<p>Selden had scarcely finished his remarks, when Alcibiades, encouraged -by a smile from Plato,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span> joined the discussion, and, looking at -Pericles, exclaimed:</p> - -<p>"My revered relative, I have listened to your observations with close -attention; and I have also, in my rambles through this country, met a -great number of men and women. It seems to me that but for their Orphic -Associations, which here some people call Societies of Cranks and -Faddists, the population of this realm would have one civil war after -the other.</p> - -<p>"Surely you all remember how, in my youth, misunderstanding as I did -the Orphic and mystery-craving nature of man, I made fun of it, and -was terribly punished for it at the hands of Hermes, a god far from -being as great as Zeus, Apollo, or Dionysus. Little did I know at that -time that the exuberance of vitality, which I, owing to my wealth and -station in life, could gratify by gorgeous chariot races at Olympia -under the eyes of all the Hellenes, was equally strong, but yet -unsatisfied, in the average and less dowered citizens of my State.</p> - -<p>"My chequered experience has taught me that no sort of people can quite -do without Orphic mysteries, and when I sojourned among the Thracians, -I saw that those barbarians, fully aware of the necessity of Mysteries -and Orphic Trances, had long ago introduced festivals at which their -men and women could give free vent to their subconscious, vague, yet -powerful chthonic craving for impassioned daydreaming and revelry. They -indulge in wild dances on the mountains, at night, invoking the gods -of the nether world, indulging freely in the wildest form of boundless -hilarity, and rivalling in their exuberance the mad sprouting of trees -and herbs in spring.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span></p> - -<p>"You Laconian maidens, usually so proud and cold and Amazonian, I call -upon you to say whether in your strictly regulated polity of Sparta -you do not, at times, rove in the wildest fashion over the paths, -ravines, and clefts of awful Mount Taygetus, in reckless search of the -joy of frantic vitality which your State ordinarily does not allow -you to indulge in? And you women of Argos, are you too not given to -wild rioting at stated times? Have I not watched you in your religious -revivals of fierce joy?"</p> - -<p>Both the Laconian and Argive women admitted the fact, and one of them -asked: "Do the women of this country not observe similar festivals? I -pity them if they don't."</p> - -<p>And a Theban girl added: "The other day we passed over Snowdon and -other mounts in a beauteous land which they call Wales. It is much -like our own holy Mount Kithæron. Why, then, do the women of this -country not rove, in honour of the god, over the Welsh mountains, -free and unobserved, as we do annually over wild Kithæron? They would -do it gracefully, for I have noticed that they run much better than -they walk, and they would swing the <i>thyrsus</i> in their hand with more -elegance than the sticks they use in their games."</p> - -<p>At that moment there arose from the haze and clouded mystery of the -neighbouring woods a rocket of sounds, sung by female voices and soon -joined in the distance by a chorus of men. The company on the lawn -suddenly stopped talking, and at the bidding of the Delphic archon, -whom they called Trichas, they all went in search of ivy, and, having -found it, wreathed themselves with it. The<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span> music, more and more -passionate, came nearer and nearer.</p> - -<p>From my place I could slightly distinguish, in mid-air, a fast -travelling host of women in light dresses, swinging the <i>thyrsus</i>, -dancing with utter freedom of beautiful movement, and singing all the -time songs in praise of Dionysus, the god of life and joy.</p> - -<p>Trichas solemnly called upon us to close our eyes, and he intoned a -<i>pæan</i> of strange impressiveness, imploring the god to pardon our -presence and to countenance us hereafter as before.</p> - -<p>But the Laconian, Theban, and Argive maidens left us, and soaring into -air, as it were, joined the host of revelling women.</p> - -<p>After a time the music subsided far away, and nothing could be heard -but the melodious soughing of the wind through the lank alder-trees.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Then, at a sign of Trichas, Plato took the word and said:</p> - -<p>"You are aware, my friends, that whatever I have taught in my Athenian -days regarding the punishment of our faults at the hands of the Powers -of the Netherworld, all that has been amply visited upon me in the -shape of commentaries written on my works by learned teachers, after -the fashion of savages who tattoo the beautiful body of a human being.</p> - -<p>"I may therefore say that I have at last come to a state of -purification and castigation which allows<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span> one to see things in their -right proportion. Thus, with regard to this curious country in which we -are just at present, I cannot but think that while there is much truth -in what all of you have remarked, yet you do not seem to grasp quite -clearly the essence, or, as we used to say, the οὑσἱα of the -whole problem.</p> - -<p>"This nation, like all of us Hellenes, has many centuries ago made up -its mind to keep its political liberty intact and undiminished. For -that purpose it always tried to limit, and in the last three hundred -years actually succeeded in limiting, or even destroying, most of the -coercive powers of the State, the Church, the nobility, the army. -Selden not improperly compared them to the Jews. And as in the case -of the Jews, so in the case of the English, the lack of the coercive -powers of State, Church, nobility, and army inevitably engendered -coercive powers of an individual or private character.</p> - -<p>"This is called, in a general word, Puritanism. Our Spartans, who would -not tolerate public coercive corporate powers any more than do the -English, were likewise driven into an individual Puritanism, called -their ἁγωγἡ, which likewise consisted of fanatic teetotalism, -<i>mutisme</i>, anti-intellectualism, and other common features.</p> - -<p>"This inevitable Puritanism in England assumed formerly what they call -a Biblical form; now it feeds on teetotalism—that is, it has become -liquid Puritanism. I have it on the most unquestionable authority, that -the contemporary Britons are, in point of consumption of spirits and -wine, the most moderate consumers of all the European nations; and the -average French person, for example, drinks<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span> 152 times more wine per -annum than the average Englishman. Even in point of beer, the average -Belgian, for instance, drinks twice as much as the average Englishman; -while the average Dane drinks close on five times more spirits than the -average Briton.</p> - -<p>"Yet all these facts will convert no one. For, since the Puritan wants -Puritanism and not facts, he can be impressed only by inducing him to -adopt another sort of Puritanism, but never by facts.</p> - -<p>"Accordingly, they have introduced Christian Science, or one of -the oldest Orphic fallacies, which the Mediæval Germans used to -call 'to pray oneself sound.' They have likewise inaugurated -anti-vivisectionism, vegetarianism, anti-tobacconism, Sabbatarianism, -and a social class system generally, which combines all the features of -all the kinds of Puritanism.</p> - -<p>"We in Athens divided men only on lines of the greater or lesser -political rights we gave them; but we never drew such lines in matters -social and purely human. The freest Athenian readily shook hands with -a <i>metic</i> or denizen; and we ate all that was eatable and good. In -England the higher class looks upon the next lower as the teetotaller -looks upon beer, the vegetarian upon beef, or the Sabbatarian upon what -they call the Continental Sunday.</p> - -<p>"Moreover, there is in England, in addition to the science of zoology -or botany, such as my hearer Aristotle founded it, a social zoology and -botany, treating of such animals and plants as cannot, according to -English class Puritanism, be offered to one's friends at meals. Thus, -mussels and cockles are socially ostracised, except in unrecognisable -form;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span> bread is offered in homœopathic doses; beer at a banquet is -simply impossible; black radishes, a personal insult.</p> - -<p>"In the same way, streets, squares, halls, theatres, -watering-places—in short, everything in the material universe is -or is not 'class'; that is, it is subject or not subject to social -Puritanism. All this, as in the case of the Hebrews, who have an -infinitely developed ritualism of eatables and drinkables, of things -'pure' or 'impure'; all this, I say, is the inevitable consequence of -the unwillingness of the English to grant any considerable coercive -power to the State, the Church, the nobility, the army, or any other -organised corporate institution.</p> - -<p>"They hate the idea of conscription, because they hate to give power to -the army, and prefer to fall into the snares of faddists.</p> - -<p>"The coercive power which they will not grant in one form, they must -necessarily admit in another form. They destroy Puritanism as wielded -by State or Church, and must therefore, since coercive powers are -always indispensable, accept it as Puritanism of fads.</p> - -<p>"What are the Jews other than a nation of extreme faddists? Being -quite apolitical, as we call it, they must necessarily be extremely -Orphic—that is, extreme Puritans.</p> - -<p>"Political liberty is bought at the expense of social freedom. Nobody -dares to give himself freely and naively; he must needs watch with -sickly self-consciousness over every word or act of his, as a policeman -watches over the traffic of streets. And lest he betray his real -sentiments, he suppresses<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span> all gestures, because gestures give one away -at once. One cannot make a gesture of astonishment without being really -astonished at all, and <i>vice versâ</i>.</p> - -<p>"And so slowly, by degrees, the whole of the human capital is -repressed, disguised, unhumanised, and, in a word, sacrificed at the -altar of political liberty.</p> - -<p>"The Romans, much wiser than the Spartans, gave immense coercive power -both to corporate bodies, such as the Roman Senate, and to single -officials, such as a Consul, a Censor, a Tribune, or a Prætor. They -therefore did not need any grotesque private coercive institutions or -fads.</p> - -<p>"The English, on the other hand, want to wield such an empire as the -Roman, and yet build up their polity upon the narrow plane of a Spartan -ἁγωγἡ. In this there is an inherent contradiction. They hamper -their best intentions, and must at all times, and against their better -convictions, legislate for faddists, because they lack the courage of -their Imperial mission.</p> - -<p>"Empires want Imperial institutions, that is, such as are richly -endowed in point of political power. Offices ought to be given by -appointment, and not by competitive examinations, if only for five or -ten years. The police ought to have a very much more comprehensive -power, and the schools ought to be subject to a national committee. -Parliament must be Imperial, and not only British. Very much more might -be said about the necessity of rendering this Realm more <i>apotelestic</i>, -as we have called it, but I see that Euripides is burning to make his -remarks, and I am sure that he is able to give us the final<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span> expression -of the whole difficulty in a manner that none of us can rival."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Thereupon Euripides addressed the company as follows:</p> - -<p>"For many, many a year I have observed and studied the most -life-endowed commonwealth that the world has ever seen, Athens. I -watched the Athenians in their homes, in the market-place, in the law -courts, in peace and war, in the theatre and in the temple, at the holy -places of Eleusis and Delphi, their men as well as their women.</p> - -<p>"Personally I long inclined towards a view of the world almost -exclusively influenced by Apollo. I thought that as the sun is -evidently the great life-giver of all existence, so light, reason, -system, liberty, and consummately devised measures constitute the -highest wisdom of the community.</p> - -<p>"In all I wrote or said I worked for the great god of Light, and -Reason, and Progress. I could not find words and phrases trenchant -enough to express my disdain for sentiments and ideas discountenanced -by Apollo. I persecuted and fiercely attacked all those dark, chthonic, -and mysterious passions of which man is replete to overflowing. I hated -Imperialism, I adored Liberty; I extolled Philosophy, and execrated -Orphic ideas.</p> - -<p>"But at last, when I had gone through the fearful experiences of the -Peloponnesian War, with all its supreme glories and its unrelieved -shames, I learned<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span> to think otherwise. I learned to see that as man -has two souls in his breast, one celestial or Apollinic, the other -terrestrial or Dionysiac, so there are two gods, and not one, that -govern this sub-lunar world.</p> - -<p>"The two are Apollo and Dionysus.</p> - -<p>"One rules the world of light, of political power, of scientific -reason, and of harmonious muses. The other is the god of unreason, of -passion, and wild enthusiasm, of that unwieldy Heart of ours which is -fuller of monsters, and also of precious pearls, than is the wide ocean.</p> - -<p>"Unless in a given commonwealth the legislator wisely provides for the -cult of both gods, in an orderly and public fashion, Dionysus or Apollo -will take fearful revenge for the neglect they suffer at the hands of -short-sighted statesmen and impudent unbelievers.</p> - -<p>"In the course of our Great War we have come into contact and -conflict with many a non-Greek nation, or people whom we rightly term -Barbarians. For while some of them sedulously, perhaps over-zealously, -worship Dionysus, they all ignore or scorn Apollo. The consequence is -that the great god blinds them to their own advantages, robs them of -light and moderation, and they prosper enduringly neither as builders -of States nor as private citizens in their towns.</p> - -<p>"For Apollo, like all the gods, is a severe god, and his bow he uses as -unerringly as his lyre.</p> - -<p>"It is even so with Dionysus.</p> - -<p>"The nation that affects to despise him, speedily falls a wretched -victim to his awful revenge. Instead of worshipping him openly and -in public fashion, such a nation falls into grotesque and absurd -eccen<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span>tricities, that readily degenerate into poisonous vices, -infesting every organ of the body politic and depriving social -intercourse of all its charms. The Spartans, although they allowed -their women a temporary cult of the god Dionysus, yet did not pay -sufficient attention to him, worshipping mainly Apollo. They had, in -consequence, to do much that tends to de-humanisation, and, while many -admired them, no one loved them.</p> - -<p>"It was this, my late and hard-won insight into the nature of man, -which I wanted to articulate in the strongest fashion imaginable in -my drama called the <i>Bacchæ</i>. I see with bitterness how little my -commentators grasped the real mystery of my work. If Dionysus was to me -only the symbol of wine and merrymaking, why should I have indulged in -the gratuitous cruelty of punishing the neglect of Bacchus by the awful -murder of a son-king at the hands of his own frenzied mother-queen? -All my Hellenic sentiment of moderation shudders at such a ghastly -exaggeration.</p> - -<p>"Neither the myth nor my drama refers to wanton, barbarous bloodshed; -and such scholars as assume archaic human sacrifices in honour of -Dionysus, and 'survivals' thereof in Dionysiac rites, ought to be taken -in hand by the god's own Mænads and suffer for their impudence.</p> - -<p>"Human sacrifices indeed, but not such as are made by stabbing people -with knives and bleeding them to physical death. Human sacrifices in -the sense of a terrible loss of human capital, of a de-humanisation -caused by the browbeating of the Heart—this and nothing else was the -meaning of my drama.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span></p> - -<p>"And what country is a fuller commentary on the truth of my <i>Bacchæ</i> -than England?</p> - -<p>"Here is a country that, had Dionysus been properly worshipped by its -people, might be the happiest, brightest of all nations, a model for -all others, and living like the gods in perpetual bliss—that is, -in perfect equilibrium of thought and action, reason and sentiment, -beauty and moderation. They have done much and successfully for Pythian -Apollo; they have established a solid fabric of Liberty and Imperial -Power; various intellectual pursuits they have cultivated with glory; -and in their pæans to Apollo they have shown exquisite beauties of -expression and feeling.</p> - -<p>"But Dionysus they persistently want to neglect, to discredit, to oust.</p> - -<p>"Instead of bowing humbly and openly to the god of enthusiasm, of -unreasoned lilt of sentiment and passion, and of the intense delight -in all that lives and throbs and vibrates with pleasure and joy; they -affect to suppress sentiments, to rein in all pleasures, and to cast a -slur on joy.</p> - -<p>"And then the god, seeing the scorn with which they treat him, avenges -himself, and blinds and maddens them, as he did King Pentheus of -Thebes, King Perseus of Argos, the daughters of Minyas of Orchomenos, -Proitos of Tiryns, and so many others. The god Dionysus puts into their -hearts absurd thoughts and fantastic prejudices, and some of them spend -millions of money a year to stop the use of the Bacchic gifts in a -country which has long been the least drinking country in the white -world, and as a matter of fact drinks far too little good and noble -wine.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span></p> - -<p>"Others again are made by angry Dionysus to μαἱνεσθαι or rage -by adding to the 250 unofficial yearly fogs of the country, fifty-two -official ones, which they call Sundays.</p> - -<p>"Again others, instigated by the enraged god Dionysus, drive people -to furor by their intolerable declamations against alleged cruelties -to animals, while they are themselves full of cruel boredom to human -beings.</p> - -<p>"There is, I note with satisfaction, one among them who seems to have -an inkling of the anger of the god, and who has tried to restore, in a -fashion, the cult of Dionysiac festivals.</p> - -<p>"He calls his Orphic Association the Salvation Army.</p> - -<p>"They imitate not quite unsuccessfully the doings of the legs and feet -of the true worshippers of Dionysus; but the spirit of the true cult is -very far off from them.</p> - -<p>"And so Dionysus, ignored and looked down upon by the people of this -country, avenges himself in a manner the upshot and sum of which is not -inadequately represented in my <i>Bacchæ</i>.</p> - -<p>"And yet the example of the Hellas of Hellas, or of the town of Athens, -which all of them study in their schools, might have taught them better -things.</p> - -<p>"When, by about the eighth or seventh century <span class="smcap">B.C.</span> (as they -say), the cult of Dionysus began to spread in Greece, the various -States opposed it at first with all their power. All these States were -Apollinic contrivances. They were ordered by reasoned constitutions, -generally by one man. In them everything was deliberately arranged for -light, order, good rhythm, clearness, and system. It was all in honour<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span> -of Apollo, the city-builder. Naturally the leaders of those States -hated Dionysus.</p> - -<p>"However, they were soon convinced of the might of the new god, and, -instead of scorning, defying or neglecting him, the wise men at the -head of affairs resolved to adopt him officially. In this they followed -(O Trichas, did they not?) the example of Delphi, which, although -formerly purely Apollinic, now readily opened its holy halls to the new -god Dionysus, so that ever after Delphi was as much Dionysiac as it was -Apollinic.</p> - -<p>"At Athens they honoured the new god so deeply and fully that, not -content with the ordinary rural sports and processions given in his -honour, the Athenians created the great Tragedy and Comedy as a fit -cult of the mighty god. The Athenians were paid to go to those wondrous -plays, where their Dionysiac soul could and did find ample food, -and was thereby purged and purified, or, in other words, prevented -from falling into the snares of silly faddists of religious or other -impostures. But for those Dionysiac festivals in addition to the cult -of Apollo, the Greeks would have become the Chinese of Europe.</p> - -<p>"Why, then, do not the English do likewise? Why do they not build a -mighty, State-kept theatre, or several of them? Why does their State -try to pension decrepit persons, and not rather help to balance young -minds? Why have they no public <i>agones</i> or competitions in singing, -reciting, and dancing? They do officially, next to nothing for music; -and if one of their <i>strategi</i> or ministers was known to be a good -pianist or violinist, as they call their instruments, they would scorn -him as unworthy<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span> of his post. Yet few of such <i>strategi</i> are the equals -of Epaminondas, who excelled both in dancing and playing our harp.</p> - -<p>"But while they ignore music—that is, Dionysus' chief gift—they -crouch before the unharmonious clamour of any wretched Orphic -teetotaller, vegetarian, or Sabbatarian.</p> - -<p>"This is how Dionysus avenges himself.</p> - -<p>"I see how uneasy they are with regard to the great might of the -Germans. Why, then, do they not learn to respect Dionysus, who was the -chief help to the powerful consolidation of the German Empire? German -music kept North and South Germans intimately together; it saved them -from wasting untold sums of money, of time, of force, on arid fads; it -paved the way to political intimacy.</p> - -<p>"Had the English not neglected Dionysus, had they sung in his honour -those soul-attaching songs which once learned in youth can never be -forgotten, they might have retained the millions of Irishmen, who have -left their shores, by the heart-melting charm of a common music. From -the lack of such a delicate but enduring tie, the Irish had to be held -by sterile political measures only.</p> - -<p>"In music there is infinitely more than a mere tinkling of rhythm; -there is Dionysus in it. Their teachers of politics sneer at Aristotle -because he treats solemnly of music in his 'Politics.' But Aristotle -told me himself that he sneers at them, seeing what absurd socialistic -schemes they discuss because they do not want to steady the souls of -their people by a proper cult of Dionysus.</p> - -<p>"Socialism is doomed to the fate of Pentheus at the terrible hands of -Dionysus. Socialism despises<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span> Dionysus; the god will speedily drive it -to madness.</p> - -<p>"See, friends, we must leave—yonder Apollo is rising; he wants to join -Dionysus, who passed us a little while ago. Should both stay in this -country, and should they both be properly worshipped, we might from -time to time come back again. At present I propose to leave forthwith -for the Castalian springs."</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span></p> - -<div class="footnotes"><h3>FOOTNOTES:</h3> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_1_1" id="Footnote_1_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_1_1"><span class="label">[1]</span></a> Reprinted, with permission, from the <i>Nineteenth Century -and After</i> for July 1908.</p></div></div> - - - - -<p class="ph2a"><a name="THE_SEVENTH_NIGHT" id="THE_SEVENTH_NIGHT">THE SEVENTH NIGHT</a></p> - -<p class="center">SOCRATES, DIOGENES, AND PLATO ON RELIGION</p> - - -<p>During the seventh night the gods and heroes met again at Rome in the -Coliseum. The splendid moon hung deep from the sky like a huge lantern, -and shed her mild and plaintive rays over all the immense building. -The immortals, in their light dresses and lighter movements, formed a -gorgeous contrast to the sombre stones of the vast edifice. When all -had taken their seats, Zeus rose in all his majesty and spake:</p> - -<p>"Gods and heroes! We have derived much exquisite distraction from the -stories of Alcibiades, Diogenes, Plato, Aristotle, Columbus and Cæsar -about the various features of lay-life in England. If now I call upon -you, Socrates, to tell us something about the religious life of the -English, it is, I need hardly assure you, not in a spirit of mockery -that I do so. What we here think about it all, we know, and need not -utter it. When Athena in her indignation more than once asked me to -hurl my lightning into her former abode at Athens, into the remains of -the Parthenon, I told her something in secret—she knows what,—and did -not touch the holy temple. Even so shall I deal with the temples of -the little ones. We shall listen to you, Socrates, with sympathy and -attention."</p> - -<p>Up rose the sturdy figure of the sage. His<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span> features had become even -more illuminated with humanity, and thus more divine, and over his face -erred a mild smile. He spoke as follows:</p> - -<p>"O Zeus and the other gods and heroes! In my mortal time I frequently -listened to the marvellous stories of Herodotus, and while I never -permitted myself to question his honesty, as later on Plutarch did, yet -I could not help doubting some of his tales about the religions of the -various peoples he describes. Had I then known and learnt what I have -learnt since in England, I should not have felt the slightest doubt -regarding his statements.</p> - -<p>"I had been in England for some time before I began to understand -something of their curious religions. For, they have not one religion, -but quite a number of such. At first I thought they had different -religions according to the boundaries of their different counties. I -fancied that such a neat geographical distribution might render the -whole matter more methodic. But I found that that was not the case. -In the same way I tried to find out whether their religions were not -distributed according to their sixty different social classes. This too -did not work. I then tried their professions; after that, their dress; -after that, their income-tax; then, their private games.</p> - -<p>"In that way I finally came to reach the true lines of cleavage between -their numerous religions. For, to put it briefly, their religions are -parallel to and dependent on each man's hobbies.</p> - -<p>"If, for instance, an Englishman dislikes wine, and thus leans towards -Puritanic ideas, he will be much inclined to adopt the religion of one -Calvin, who taught to enjoy life by killing all its joys.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span></p> - -<p>"Another Englishman, being very partial to tobacco and to smoking, will -have a natural bent towards the High Church, in which much incense is -burnt and much smoke produced.</p> - -<p>"Another, being very methodical and punctilious, will regard Methodism -with much sympathy.</p> - -<p>"A fourth, being afflicted with great susceptibility to moral shocks, -goes among the Quakers.</p> - -<p>"In that way I began to feel my way through the maze of their -religions. The strangest thing, however, was that all these -multifarious believers staunchly maintained that they took their -divergent creeds from one and the same book: from the Bible. In that -respect they reminded me of my whilom adversaries at Athens, the -Sophists, who could prove the pro and con of any given assertion with -equal volubility.</p> - -<p>"In order to imbue myself fully with the spirit of their beliefs, I -frequently went to church on Sundays.</p> - -<p>"To be quite frank, I do not very well see why in England they call -that day a Sunday. There is no sun in it, and otherwise it resembles -night more than anything else. It ought to be called Un-day. I -concluded that everything arranged for that day was done in order to -bring out its resemblance to night ever so strongly. Thus, lest people -should forego sleep on that drowsy day, the people of England have -introduced thousands of soporifics in the shape of sermons. What other -use that drug may have I could never see.</p> - -<p>"To me as an old Hellene it seemed a thing quite beyond comprehension, -why people should go out of their way to salary a person for making -them feel<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span> creepy at the same place, and on the same day of the week, -by repeating the same admonitions in nearly the same words hundreds -of times a year. Evidently their lives on the other days of the week -are so spiritless, dull and dry, that they want to get at least on -Sundays some moral hair-friction with spiritual <i>eau de Cologne</i>. We -Hellenes never thought of doing such things. It would have struck us as -a personal insult to suppose that we needed such perpetual moralisation -at stated times.</p> - -<p>"Hippocrates told me that some constitutions do need the constant use -of purgative waters. But do all people suffer from ethical constipation?</p> - -<p>"I could not help smiling at the idea of my preaching like that to the -Athenians of my time. They would have handed me the goblet with hemlock -long before they did do it. Each householder would have considered my -pretensions to moralise them as a slander on his private life. Each of -them tried to make his own house a chapel full of constantly practised -piety, dutifulness, and humanity. What need had he of my sermons? When -he joined the great festivals of the city, it was to do his duty by the -other Athenians, just as he joined the army on land, or the navy on -sea, for the same purpose.</p> - -<p>"We knew of no dogmas. We did not think that a man need stake all his -soul on the belief in certain abstract dogmas. If he did not feel -inclined to linger on one story told of Zeus, he might lovingly dwell -on any other of the numberless stories told of him. If some said that -Zeus was born in Crete, others maintained that he was born elsewhere. -It seemed to us immaterial whether this fact or that was or was not -historically exact.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span></p> - -<p>"Not so the little ones. For them religion is viewed as a matter of -documentary evidence, like a bill of sale. They constantly clamour -for 'evidence,' 'proofs' and 'verifications.' Their theologians are -solicitors and barristers, but not religious men. If I had asked -Pericles for 'evidences' of the religious cult practised by his family -or <i>gens</i>, the Alcmæonidæ, he would have indignantly told his slaves -to put me out of the house, just as if I had asked him to give me -'evidences' of his wife's virtue.</p> - -<p>"We held that Religion is not a matter of 'evidences,' any more than -Life, Health, Sleep, or Dreams stand in need of being 'proved' by -'evidences.' We know that we live, or that we are in good health; we do -not care to listen to long-winded arguments proving it.</p> - -<p>"On my rambles in England I met many a clergyman. I remember one who -occupied a high position at Canterbury, and was a very learned man. -I was rather curious to learn what he thought of the religion of the -Greeks. He treated me to the following remarks:</p> - -<p>"'The Religion of the Greeks? Why, my dear sir, they had none. The -Greeks were pagans, heathens. They believed in all sorts of immoral -stories about immoral gods and goddesses; they were sunk in wholesale -corruption and rottenness. Their vices smelt to heaven. Did ever any -Greek say that he who smiteth you on your left cheek, ought to be -offered your right cheek too?'</p> - -<p>"'No,' I said, continued Socrates, 'we never said that, because we knew -that nobody would ever do it. We did so many noble actions at home -and in war that we never felt the urgency of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span> exaggerating actions in -words, that we never did in fact.'</p> - -<p>"'Is that it?' he answered. 'Do you mean to say that we only say such -things, because we never practise them?'</p> - -<p>"'Precisely,' said I. '"Incapable of the deed, you try to embrace its -shadow, the word," as Democritus said.'</p> - -<p>"'Even if we never practised them, is it not sublime to say them? Is -it not increasing our moral worth when we profess to be gentle and -generous and superhumanly good, not exactly on the day when we make -such professions, but possibly on some subsequent day?'</p> - -<p>"'I am afraid,' said I, 'this we used to call the talk of sycophants -and hypocrites.'</p> - -<p>"'But for my Religion, sir, I should reply in very offensive terms. We -are no hypocrites. We believe what we say, and all that is required is -to believe. We do not trouble about the application of our beliefs, any -more than the mathematician troubles about the practical application of -his theorems.'</p> - -<p>"'This is my very objection to your belief. Religion is not a theorem -but an action, an active sentiment. Our religion was like our language: -all active verbs, all movement and energy, all expression and -sentiment, but no theorems.'</p> - -<p>"'But just look at the superstition and downright fiction in all your -mythology! Who has ever seen Apollo, Dionysus, the Graces, Aphrodite, -or any other of your numberless gods? They are all mere phantasies, -meant to amuse, but not to elevate. They belong to the infancy of the -religious sentiment, and are only a more artistic form of Fetishism.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span></p> - -<p>"'I quite believe you,' I said, 'that you never met the Graces, nor -Aphrodite. Perhaps they avoided you as carefully as you did them.'</p> - -<p>"'Sir, this is frivolous. In our Religion there is nothing frivolous. -Allow me to be quite frank with you. It is stated that you confessed to -having felt the touch of some Phryne's beautiful hand on your shoulder -for several days. Sir, this characterises you, and all the heathen -Greeks. My mind staggers at the idea that one of our bishops should -ever confess to such a frivolous sentiment. We too have shoulders; and -there are still alas! Phrynes amongst us. But none of our class would -ever confess to having felt what you admitted to have felt. There you -have precisely the difference between you and us.'</p> - -<p>"'You are ashamed of your humanity, and we were not; this is the whole -difference. We were so full of our humanity, that we humanised even our -gods. You are so ashamed of your humanity, that you de-humanise and -supra-humanise your god.'</p> - -<p>"'Disgraceful, sir, most disgraceful. Our humanity is <i>in</i> God!'</p> - -<p>"'And only in Him; so that none is left in you.'</p> - -<p>"At these words," continued Socrates, "the man left me.</p> - -<p>"A few days later I was at a place which they call Oxford, and where -dwell and teach many of their Sophists. A young man is there taught to -assume that callous look which is very imposing to Hindoos and negroes. -Nothing surprises him, as nothing stirs him, except the latest shape of -a cuff or a collar. He becomes in due time a curious blend of a monk, a -fop, and a pedant.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span></p> - -<p>"I was led to one of the most renowned of their theologians, whose name -in our language means a coachman. He received me with a curious smile. -Before I could say anything he spoke as follows:</p> - -<p>"'I understand, sir, that you pose as the late Socrates. Well, -well—come, come! I must tell you in confidence that I, being a higher -critic, am a perfect adept in the great science of the vanishing trick. -Suppose you bring forward a famous personage of history, and want him -to disappear. Nothing is easier to me. I ask the man first of all very -simple questions, such as:</p> - -<p>"'Who asked him to exist?</p> - -<p>"'Why did he choose his mother in preference to many other able women?</p> - -<p>"'What made him prefer his father to so many other capable men?</p> - -<p>"'For what reason did he fix his particular place of birth, let alone -the time of the year, month, week and day where and when he was born?</p> - -<p>"'What motive had he in filling the air with his screamings soon after -his birth?</p> - -<p>"'Could he give any satisfactory explanation of his various illnesses -as a child? That is, whether he had measles and whooping-cough out of -malice prepense, out of cussedness, or out of any hopes of receiving -more attention?</p> - -<p>"'When the man cannot satisfactorily answer these clear and positive -questions, I put him down first as a suspect. Then I proceed to further -questions.</p> - -<p>"'If he is said to have won a battle, I ask him why he fought it on -land and not on sea? Or <i>vice versâ</i>.</p> - -<p>"'Why he did not, while fighting the battle,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span> accurately determine the -degrees of longitude and latitude of the locality of the battle?</p> - -<p>"'Or why his chief general's name began with an L and not with an S?</p> - -<p>"'If he is said to have been an ancient legislator, I ask him why he -took his laws from his neighbours?</p> - -<p>"'What mode of registration and publication of the law he observed?</p> - -<p>"'Whether the paper of his code was hand-made, or wood-pulp?</p> - -<p>"'Whether the water-marks on it were original or were imitations?</p> - -<p>"'Whether he used ink or paint?</p> - -<p>"'Whether he wrote them standing or sitting?</p> - -<p>"'Whether he used the same pen for writing his nouns and verbs? Or -whether he had different pens for the different parts of speech?</p> - -<p>"'Whether he really knew what a noun was? Whether he liked male -terminations, or preferred to revel in female endings? Whether he was -not prejudiced against pronouns, or felt an idiosyncracy against the -letters b, k, and z?</p> - -<p>"'If the man cannot satisfactorily answer all these pertinent -questions, I declare him to be a fraud. I tell him straight into his -face that he never existed, and then I revile him as a low character -for pretending an existence that is totally unfounded. Now, as to your -case. You say, you are Socrates. Can you answer any of the questions I -enumerated? Let us take the first question: "Who asked you to exist?"'</p> - -<p>"'Athens, I presume,' said Socrates.</p> - -<p>"'Athens? To dispose of this answer, we must<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span> first of all see whether -Athens existed. I put it to you, sir, can you prove that Athens -existed?'</p> - -<p>"'I can; for, it still exists.'</p> - -<p>"'Note the glaring fallacy! A thing that now exists, now, that is, on -the brink of the present and the future, can that be said to have <i>eo -ipso</i> existed in the past? I put it to you most seriously, is the brink -of the present, the past? Is the brink of the future, the past? Can, -then, the brink of the present <i>and</i> the future be called the past? -Athens may have existed. That is, a number of houses and streets, once -called Athens, may have existed. But can you say, I put it to you most -mostly, can you say that the houses of Athens asked you to exist? Or -did the streets do so?'</p> - -<p>"'By Athens we mean the Athenians.'</p> - -<p>"'Oh, I see, the Athenians. Who were they? Two-thirds were -foreign slaves; one-fifth were <i>metiks</i>, that is, denizens of -foreign extraction. Consequently, two-thirds and one-fifth being -thirteen-fifteenths, the overwhelming majority of the town being -<i>uitlanders</i>, you cannot possibly be said to have been asked into -existence by them. Remain two-fifteenths of Athenians proper. Of these -the great majority were your enemies, who drove you into death. Can -they, who furiously clamoured for your death, be said to have violently -wished for your birth?</p> - -<p>"'Remain, therefore, only a handful of Athenians who <i>may</i> have desired -you to exist. How could they give due expression to their wish? In -the Assembly matters were decided by a majority, which they did not -control. In the law courts were hundreds, nay thousands of judges in -each case, of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span> whom, as <i>per supra</i>, the great majority were your -enemies, who would have decided against your birth. In the Temples such -decisions were never taken.</p> - -<p>"'The intention of your prenatal friends could thus remain but a mere -private wish of a few citizens, but could not possibly be an inherent -tendency or desire of Athens. <i>Quod erat demonstrandum.</i> And since you -have been unable to give a satisfactory answer to the first of the -crucial questions, I put you down as a suspect.'</p> - -<p>"I did not say anything," said Socrates. "I was amazed beyond -expression that such nonsense could be allowed to pose as searching and -'scientific' analysis of facts. But he triumphantly continued:</p> - -<p>"'You say nothing? <i>Qui tacet consentire videtur</i>,—silence means -consent. I can see in your face how overawed you are by my sagacity, I -have unmasked you. We unmask everything and anything. We unmask stones, -pyramids, crocodiles, ichneumons, princes, kings, prophets, and heroes. -We strike terror into the common people by our vast erudition and our -penetrating sagacity.</p> - -<p>"'We are the Sherlock Holmes of theology.</p> - -<p>"'We run down any pretender, any scribe, any man who has the impudence -of posing as a somebody. Given that we are not much; how can he be -anything?</p> - -<p>"'If you will stay here for some time, you will soon know a lot about -what did not happen in ancient Israel.</p> - -<p>"'Oxford is the Scotland Yard of all those humbugs that pass by the -name of Abraham, Moses, King David, Samson, the Prophets, and other -impostors. We have pin-pricked them out of existence!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[Pg 193]</a></span></p> - -<p>"'At present we have proved that all the Religion of Israel was stolen -from Babylon. In a few years we shall prove that the Babylonians stole -it all from the Elamites, farther east. This, once well established, -will give us a welcome means of proving that the Elamites stole it -all from the Thibetans; who stole it from the Chinese; who stole it -from the Japanese; who stole it from the Redskins in America; who -stole it from the Yankees; who stole it from Oxford. And so we shall -return to this great University and provide occupation and fame for the -higher critics of the next three hundred years. Where are you now, O -Pseudo-Socrates?'</p> - -<p>"I was unable to say a word for some time. When I collected myself to a -certain extent, I said:</p> - -<p>"'O Sophist, if our Religion in ancient Greece had had no other -advantage than that of saving us from the works of "higher critics," it -has deserved well of us. We were immune from that disease, at any rate. -Dion of Prusa and others wrote declamations against the historicity -of the Trojan War; but nobody took them for more than what they were, -for rhetorical exercises. No Hellene would have paid the slightest -attention, nor accorded the slightest recognition to men like yourself. -The English must be suffering from very ugly religious crochets and -spiritual eczemas, to have recourse to drugs and pills offered by such -medicine-men.'</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[Pg 194]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>"Other friends in England to whom I expressed my profound aversion to -this puny scepticism in matters of Religion, advised me to attend the -sermons given by a relatively young man with white hair in a temple in -the city. They said that in him and his addresses there was religious -sentiment. I accepted their advice and went repeatedly to hear what was -called <i>The New Religion</i>.</p> - -<p>"The young man talked well and impressively. He told them that two and -two made four, and absolutely refused to make five.</p> - -<p>"With much emphasis he declared that he could not believe in miracles, -because of the miraculous way in which they happened. If, he said, a -miracle should happen in an orderly fashion, performed under police -revision, say, in Regent Street in front of Peter Robinson's, the -arrangement and whole sequence of the procedure being duly anticipated -and announced by the <i>Daily Nail</i> or the <i>Daily X-Rays</i>, then indeed he -would say: 'O Lord, O Lord, I am convinced.'</p> - -<p>"'But,' the white-haired young man said, 'how can you, the rest of the -world, or anyone else suppose that I could believe a miracle, that -pops in from mid-air, in the most disorderly and unreasonable fashion, -without having given notice either to the police or to the editor of -the <i>Daily Nail</i> or the <i>Daily X-Rays</i>?</p> - -<p>"'Such a miracle is a mere vagrant, a loafer, a <i>déclassé</i> or -<i>déraciné</i>, as we say in Burmese. It has neither documents to -legitimate itself with, nor any decent social connections. It disturbs -the professor of physics at that great seat of untaught knowledge, the -London University; it annoys all chemists, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</a></span> confirms my colleagues -in the other pulpits in their preposterous superstitions.</p> - -<p>"'My brethren and <i>sithren</i>, I tell you there are no miracles; there -never were any; there never can be any. Just let me tell you an -interesting experience I had the other day with a man who travelled in -the south of France, a country which, but for the fact that England is -good enough to patronise her, would long since have disappeared from -the surface of this or any other planet.</p> - -<p>"'The gentleman in question spoke of Lourdes, and the miracles he had -seen there. I listened for a while with patience; at last I could bear -it no longer, and the following dialogue arose between us:</p> - -<p>"He: '"Lourdes is the most convincing case of the miraculous power of -the true Church."</p> - -<p>"I: '"The true Church is in the city of London, sir, and there is no -miracle going on there whatever."</p> - -<p>"He: '"I completely differ, especially if, for argument's sake, I -accept your statement that the temple in the city is the true Church. -If that be so, then the miracles wrought there are even greater than -those observable at Lourdes."</p> - -<p>"I: '"I thank you for your rapid conversion. I am glad to see that you -feel the power of my Church. This power comes from the great truths I -teach. But as to miracles proper, I must, if reluctantly, decline the -honour. I repeat it, there are no miracles in my Church, neither taught -nor wrought."</p> - -<p>"He: '"Come, come! Not only are there miracles in your Church, but they -are also of the very same type that I noted at Lourdes."</p> - -<p>"I: '"Sir, how can you insult me so gratuitously? Lourdes swarms with -so-called miracles, which are no<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[Pg 196]</a></span> miracles at all, but only the effects -of auto-hypnotisation. A person who can believe in the healing power of -St ——"</p> - -<p>"He: '"Steady, steady, my dear sir. I do not allude to that healing -power at all. Again, placing myself on your standpoint, I will, for -argument's sake, admit that the waters at Lourdes have no miraculous -healing power owing to the influence of this saint or that. You might -permit me to remark, nevertheless, that it is just as much of a miracle -as when the drugs prescribed by our doctors happen to cure us. For, -what could be more miraculous than that? But this is only by the way. -I allude to quite another miracle, and I can only express my amazement -that you do not guess it more quickly."</p> - -<p>"I: '"I am quite out of touch with miracles."</p> - -<p>"He: '"Bravo! This is precisely what the great Lessing used to say: the -greatest of all miracles is the one that people do not notice as such -at all. Just consider: do you not draw vast masses of people to your -sermons? Have you not persuaded most of them that you have founded a -new Religion? What on earth could be more miraculous than that!</p> - -<p>"'"In your sermons you dance on a thin rope of logic made out of the -guts of a few anæmic cats dropped from the dissecting table of science. -If therefore you had won a reputation as a rope-dancer, one could -readily understand it. But you have won the reputation of a founder -of a new religion, which is to a logical rope what catguts are to a -great violinist. Is that not marvellous? Savonarola would have charged -you, at best, with blacking his shoes, and yet people take you for a -modern<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[Pg 197]</a></span> Savonarola. Is that not marvellous? Is it anything short of a -miracle? Is not this the very miracle of Lourdes? Hundreds of thousands -of intelligent Frenchmen believe in the healing power of water in -consequence of its canonisation by a saint. Is this not a miracle in -our time?"</p> - -<p>"I: '"If I am to be infinitely less worthy a man than Savonarola -because I believe in the infinity and truth of Science, I gladly forego -the honour. The more light we pour into the human heart, the nobler it -will be."</p> - -<p>"He: '"So you believe that your hearers follow you on account of the -light you give them? Pray, abandon any such idea forthwith. They cling -to you because of your interesting personality, and because you give -satisfaction to their vanity. In persuading them that the life-blood of -the 'old' Religion is mere stale water, they congratulate themselves on -their being intellectually superior to the orthodox believers.</p> - -<p>"'"Is there no one who has the courage to say aloud that the canker -of all Religions in England is their constant toadying to Reason and -Science? The theory of Evolution, first rightly condemned by the -clergy, is now an established costume without which no bishop would -dare to officiate in sermons or books. Naturalists all over the world -lustily attack and combat Evolution; but no English clergyman ventures -to doubt it. He will and must toady to what he thinks is 'Science.'</p> - -<p>"'"Formerly Science was the <i>ancilla</i>, or maid of Theology; now -Theology is the mere charwoman of any physiologist or biologist."</p> - -<p>"I: '"And so it shall be. I see, my good man, I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[Pg 198]</a></span> must talk to you a -little more plainly. We theologians want nothing but authority. We -have long since learned that this world is governed by authority, and -by nothing else; just as is the next world, if there be any. Now, in -former times Science was not imposing enough. Being, as it was, in -its infancy, it had little authority. So we trampled upon it, and -side-tracked it with disdain. At present, on the other hand, Science -has become quite an influential member of society. It goes on doing -marvellous things and inventing incredible feats of physical, chemical, -or biological triumph.</p> - -<p>"'"What is more natural than that we now not only receive the <i>homo -novus</i>, the man of Science, but that we also try to avail ourselves of -the authority his exploits give him?</p> - -<p>"'"Take this nation. It is thoroughly materialist and on its knees -before Science. For the last sixty years Science, and nothing but -physical Science has been knocked into its head. This nation thinks -that any study outside Science proper is pleasant humbugging. They are -completely ignorant of human history. Give us Science! Give us facts, -facts! Of course they say so, because facts save them the trouble of -thinking, and do not allow one to pose as a thinker.</p> - -<p>"'"Facts, scientific facts, that is all that they want. Human thought, -they think, is a physical excretion from the brain, just as tears -are from the lachrymal glands, or other liquids from the kidneys. -Hence, they infer, all that is needed is to study, in a physiological -laboratory, the brain.</p> - -<p>"'"What's the use of literary history, for instance? If you want to -know it, you have only to study the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[Pg 199]</a></span> brain which is the cause of at -least some portions of literature.</p> - -<p>"'"What is the use of military history? Study, in a physiological -laboratory, the arm, not arms; since it is the arm that fights.</p> - -<p>"'"What is the use of Sociology, say, the study of the Family? Study, -in a physiological laboratory, the nerves of certain organs which -constitute the true cause of families. And similarly with all other -studies relating to the humanities. Science; it is all a matter of -Science proper."</p> - -<p>"'Under these conditions,' the white-haired one continued, 'what can -we do but take the requisite authority there where we find it best -developed, in Science? Anything that pleases the <i>grand seigneur</i>, we -hasten to acquiesce in while shoe-licking him. Science proper, that is, -Physics, Chemistry, and Physiology disavow Imponderables, Tendencies, -Present Projections of the Future, Incomprehensibles, etc., etc.; so do -we.</p> - -<p>"'Science cannot move from certain mathematical principles; speedily we -too cry aloud that we cannot cease hugging these dear principles.</p> - -<p>"'Science can never analyse or reconstrue the mystery of all mysteries: -Personality; at once we novel theologians exclaim, beating our worn -breasts, that Personality is no historic force at all.</p> - -<p>"'Science cannot possibly so much as approach the problem of -creativeness, creation, or origin of life; hence we gallop after it -like newsboys, screaming at the top of our voices: "Latest news! No -creation! No origins! Bill just passed! Enormous majority! One penny! -Latest news!"</p> - -<p>"'Cannot you see that? Can you not grasp that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[Pg 200]</a></span> as in Republican -countries we are Republicans, and in Monarchical ones, Monarchists; -even so in an age overawed by the surface-scratchers of physical -Science, we too must feel the itch and scratch away with violence?</p> - -<p>"'We cannot possibly afford to forego the authority at present in -the gift of Science. How could I dare to treat Jesus as one of -those mysterious persons that bring to a head both vast and secular -tendencies of the Past, and Present Projections of an immense Future? -He, I hear from a certain humanist, was the heir of all that marvellous -Power of Personality, called Cephalism, which shaped all classical -antiquity; and at the same time He was the Anticipative Projection of a -vast Future.</p> - -<p>"'Perhaps.</p> - -<p>"'But could any process approved by Science proper be applied to such a -mode of thinking? None. Consequently I am bound to belittle, to ignore -it.</p> - -<p>"'As long as Jesus is not amenable to that mode of biography or to that -kind of reflections which we apply to the life of cockroaches or gnats, -we cannot seriously speak of Him.</p> - -<p>"'Or is not His preaching like the laying of eggs by a bird, out of -which eggs new birds arise in due time?</p> - -<p>"'Is not His Church like the nest of a spotted woodpecker made in the -hollow of some ancient tree?</p> - -<p>"'Are not His apostles like the watch-birds amongst wandering cranes?</p> - -<p>"'If, then, we want to study Him scientifically, we must treat Him -and His exactly as we treat a hoopoe or a jackdaw. Not that we really -know anything about a hoopoe or a jackdaw. But in treating Him in -that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[Pg 201]</a></span> fashion we can use all the sounding terms of Science, and thus, -don't you see, secure all the authority of which Science to-day has so -plentiful a share.</p> - -<p>"'I have so far founded the New Religion. But I am not quite satisfied -with it. I feel we need a Newest Religion. Ever since my birth the -world has stepped into a new era. Something has been wrenched from its -former place. I must at once see to it.</p> - -<p>"'Meanwhile I am preparing a Life of Jesus on a truly scientific basis. -The Lives hitherto published are completely out of date. They lack the -true scientific spirit.</p> - -<p>"'My "Life of Jesus" will have three sections. The first will contain -the Antecedents. I will start with the soil, the air, and the waters -of Palestine. I will investigate the influence which the geology of -Palestine had on Jesus; especially, whether the stratification of that -soil does not correspond to the stratification of the mind of Jesus. In -that way I will obtain the precise nomenclature of the various layers -of the intellect, human and Messianic, of Jesus.</p> - -<p>"'Thus, I will determine his palæolithic, neolithic, pliocene, miocene -and other tertiary mental formations. That will be inestimable.</p> - -<p>"'I will then proceed to a close analysis of the air in Palestine, and -try to determine how much argon it contains. This, together with the -jargon talked round Bethlehem, and a close study of the remains of the -King Sargon will give me a solid foundation for my researches into -the feelings of Jesus. I will thus make sure whether these feelings -were subconscious, auto-hypnotic, auto-Röntgenising, æroplanesque, or -zeppelinury.</p> - -<p>"'Should I find some radium in the stones near<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[Pg 202]</a></span> Bethlehem or Nazareth, -I shall be enabled to account for the precociousness and light-emitting -gift of Jesus.</p> - -<p>"'Once I have thus settled the Antecedents, I will proceed to His life. -In accordance with the method of zoologists and biologists, to whom one -fox is as good as another, and one rabbit as serviceable as another, I -will study the daily life of a modern rabbi in Sichem, or Jerusalem.</p> - -<p>"'I will measure his nose, his lips, the width and height of his mouth -when yawning and when asleep, his weight, his rapidity of walk, the -loudness of his voice, his pulse, his heart, his meals, and his drinks. -This will give me valuable data for the life of Jesus. I will reduce -all these data to finely-drawn statistical tables.</p> - -<p>"'As soon as I shall be in possession of these tables I will attack -the most important part of my work: I will not tire until I discover -the microbe which imparted to all that Jesus said an extraordinary -power of captivation. That microbe, I have no doubt, can be distilled -from a comparative solution of Zoroaster, Buddha, Confucius, Mahomet -and Jesus. I name it <i>microbus prophetizans Huxleyi</i>. I shall, I -trust, isolate it and send specimens to the South Kensington Museum, I -will——'</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>"When the white-haired one," said Socrates, "had arrived at that stage -of his wanderings, I left the hall. I felt sea-sick. These little ones -think that they can triangulate the human personality, because they<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[Pg 203]</a></span> -have triangulated many of their countries. They never consider that -triangulation, and all scientific methods, refer, and can refer only -to quantity or material quality. There is no geometry of love, hatred, -or spiritual power. It is the old error of the Pythagoreans which you, -O Pythagoras, admitted to me after having whiled in Olympus for a few -hundred years.</p> - -<p>"Numbers are not the souls of things.</p> - -<p>"Personality is the soul of things.</p> - -<p>"We humans are pre-eminently creative. Our chief force is not intellect -nor will-power. We are neither Hegelians nor Schopenhauerians. In point -of sagacity many an animal transcends us; and did you not avow to me, O -Leibniz, that the difference between you and a yokel is not so much in -your being more intellectual, or in your having more brain-power, but -in your having more creative power?</p> - -<p>"Intellect, or the force of close thinking, may be found in abundance -in the city of London. Had people devoted as keen an interest to -science or philosophy as city men do to money transactions, we should -be much further than we are.</p> - -<p>"But people differ very much less in power of intellect than in -strength of originality.</p> - -<p>"The great men of Literature or Science or Art are not very much -cleverer in point of intellect than is the rest of the people. They -exceed them in point of originality; that is, they exceed them because -they devote themselves to digging in unbroken ground. It is in this way -they create.</p> - -<p>"It is in this sense that each human is, to a certain extent, new -ground; and consequently, that the Great Humans are absolutely new -phenomena. In<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[Pg 204]</a></span> other words, they are new creations. They have an X in -them that no x-rays can penetrate into.</p> - -<p>"Science can comprehend averages only. <i>Nova</i> she cannot approach. -This is why Great Humans have invariably been disavowed, rejected, and -pooh-poohed by men of Science.</p> - -<p>"Why has a lily of the valley bell-like blossoms? Science will never -explain it. Those bells are part of the personality of the lily; and -Science can understand it as little as a crofter could understand a -refined Athenian.</p> - -<p>"You may imagine, O gods and heroes, what I felt when I heard so many -clergymen talk so 'scientifically' of The Greatest of Humans, who by -His being so was <i>eo ipso</i> Supra-human too.</p> - -<p>"Science is unable to account for a lily of the valley; and yet shall -Science be able to reconstruct Jesus?</p> - -<p>"I should have shrunk from the task of reconstructing, in the manner of -men of Science, my Phrygian slave.</p> - -<p>"One can re-recreate, as it were, many of the phenomena of Personality, -but not by the methods of Science. Personalities belong to the -Humanities, whose methods are totally different from those of Science -proper.</p> - -<p>"It was said of me that in my mortal time I brought Philosophy from -Heaven to Earth. I wish, O Zeus, you would allow me to mix again with -the people in order to raise their Philosophy from Earth to Heaven."</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[Pg 205]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>When Socrates had finished, a deep silence fell over the Assembly. -In the divine face of Zeus there was no movement to be noticed, and -not an encouraging word fell from his lips. Suddenly one heard a loud -laughter. Everybody turned towards the place where the laughter came -from, and felt relieved to see that Diogenes was preparing to address -the Assembly. Zeus nodded consent, and the whilom Cynic spake as -follows:</p> - -<p>"Few things have afforded me greater pleasure than your tale, O -Socrates. Verily I believe that your renewed presence among the little -ones is much less needed than is mine. I am the only man that could set -right the wrenched religious fibres of these mannikins and womenfolk. -But for my respect for you and the Assembly, I should have burst into -an unseemly laughter while you were talking of their New Religion, -which is but a resurrection-pie less the resurrection.</p> - -<p>"To talk to them seriously about the incapacity of any physical -Science or its methods to cope with the problems of Religion is to -waste precious time. Let them have their Evolution, Convolution, or -Devolution, by all means. The more they welter in it, the more my -pupils on earth have a welcome chance of success. The official clergy -think wonders of their cleverness in trying to make Religion into a -Centaur, half man, half horse, or half Science and half Belief. While -they are at it, my pupils, infinitely cleverer than all the clergy, -make glorious headway in all directions.</p> - -<p>"Is it not side-splitting to note how these clergymen are unable to see -that the more people learn of Science proper; the more they accustom -their<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[Pg 206]</a></span> minds to the dry biscuits of scientific methods; the more they -will inwardly long for the drinks of Mysticism?</p> - -<p>"The Roman clergy, trained by two thousand years, knows all that but -too well.</p> - -<p>"Your plain soul, your hard-working, scientifically untutored peasant -or small <i>bourgeois</i> is quite satisfied with a little, hearty Belief, -and is indifferent to Mysticism and religious Extravagancies. It is -your high-strung, modern, scientifically trained mind that impatiently -craves more than sober Science can give it.</p> - -<p>"Just look at the Europoids in the western continent. In the United -States everything is reasoned out, systematised, methodised to a -nicety. Their whole life looks like their towns: regular squares; -straight streets, named after the consecutive numbers; labelled, -docketed, built and shaped according to definite rules. In an American -town nothing surprises one, except that the people themselves do not -have each his respective number painted on his back.</p> - -<p>"As the streets, so are the Constitution, the Schools, the -Territory,—everything is ruled like a sheet of music. In the 250,000 -schools, in the 500,000 Universities, and the 600,000 libraries, all -founded (or confounded?) by a few multis, you hear nothing but Reason, -Reason, Reason. You get Reason boiled, roasted, fried or stewed. You -get it from injectors, from which it will jet out in smaller or larger -jets, so that if it be too much for you, one can, by pulling the piston -backwards, again store it up in the injector.</p> - -<p>"Instead of traditions, unarticulated tendencies,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[Pg 207]</a></span> latent -<i>sous-entendus</i>, and delicate imponderables, there are only machines, -ledgers, and registers, articulated with a vengeance, cryingly -explicit and loud and indelicate. Everything is bound in the leather -of reasonableness, in the hide of method, and in the wooden boards of -Logic. Instead of on the rich soup of sentiments, men and women in the -States are fed on scientific tabloids containing sentiments reduced -to their ultimate chemical essences. A woman laughs at romance; her -relations to men are 'reasonable.' A child laughs at piety; his or -her relations to parents are tanned by 'sense'! A servant sneers at -loyalty; her relations to the masters are macerated in the vinegar of -'inalienable right of reason.'</p> - -<p>"All this is excellent—for me. For, what happens?</p> - -<p>"The Americans indulging in too many orgies of Reasonableness; the -Americans having thrown over-board all motives of historic truth in -order to live under the banner of reasoned truth only, have long -since become sick of Reason. They resemble a crew on a big ship -that has stored its pantries and larders with nothing else than -meat-extracts and tabloids. That crew, after a month's journey or so, -will unfailingly sink or else eat the most loathsome fish rather than -continue feeding on its scientific food.</p> - -<p>"After all, when all is said and done, the Americans too are humans. -They too want more than tabloids and meat-extracts. Tons of tins will -not replace one fresh cabbage. On this eternal truth my disciples go to -work in the States.</p> - -<p>"Fully aware, as they are, that the Americans must be and are deadly -'tired' of Reason, they<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[Pg 208]</a></span> hasten to give the people of the States the -most exciting devices of Unreason. One of them invents Mormonism; -the other, Spiritualism; the third, Zionism; the fourth, Oneidaism, -or general Promiscuity; the fifth, Christian Science; the sixth, -Incarnationism; and so forth, and so on, <i>ad infinitum</i>.</p> - -<p>"Can my triumph be greater? I will carefully avoid telling them -that by worshipping Apollo extravagantly while neglecting the great -god Dionysus, they have fallen wretched victims to the wrath of the -latter. Just let them go on writing contemptuous reflections on Greek -Mythology, and glory in the 'wonderful century' in which Dionysus -is declared to be a mere myth. As long as they do that, I shall not -lack plenty of successful disciples, and my name will wax greater and -greater, until nobody shall be able to find, even did he use the latest -Edison lamp, a single well-balanced human in all the States.</p> - -<p>"Why, then, take so many English clergymen and their evolutions round -Evolution so gravely, O Socrates? They do what the Americans do: they -overdo Reason. Do let them do it, and do not disturb my circles, as -Archimedes said. I promise you, when next they introduce the 'latest' -evolution, I will invite you to the sight, and you will enjoy the -fun as you have rarely enjoyed anything. I have instructed a new set -of pupils of mine to start <i>The</i> new Religion in England. The 'New -Religion' of a year or so ago is out of fashion. What these decadent -vibrants want is another Religion. I have just received a Marconigram -from below, and am in a position to tell you all about the latest -capers of my pupils. May I do so?"</p> - -<p>Diana and Aphrodite and Pallas Athena at once<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[Pg 209]</a></span> applauded, and their -silvery laughter was joined by the rest of the gods and heroes. -Dionysus sent two beautiful nymphs to make the resting-place of -Diogenes more comfortable, and to offer him a cup of the wine of Capri, -shining like gold and full of mirth. Diogenes, deeply bowing to the -Great God, and to Zeus, then proceeded:</p> - -<p>"I learn that <i>The</i> Religion now to be started is based on what my -dear disciples have agreed to call <i>Elysiograms</i>; a word formed <i>à la</i> -'telegram,' 'marconigram,' and meant to denote messages from Elysium.</p> - -<p>"It is quite evident that a generation of impatient eels such as the -present instalment of the little ones, cannot possibly wait until -after death for news from the other world. The sub-lunar world they -have ransacked and swallowed, hair and flesh, and all. Before, in the -morning, they have quite recovered from their sleep; and before they -have quite finished their nerve-destroying first cup of Ceylon cabbage, -they have, in their 'papers,' learnt all that has been going on in -every quarter of the globe terrestrial.</p> - -<p>"That globe begins to bore them. They must have a daily (or hourly?) -column or two about what is going on in Elysium, let alone in Hades. It -is indispensable for their digestion.</p> - -<p>"Just fancy how very much more easily one could swallow one's lunch -with just a little dose of Hades in it! While one tries to make a -tunnel through the stony meat from Patagonia called Scotch beef, one -would read with grim satisfaction how one's late creditor is maltreated -in the torture-chamber of Hades. Why, one would feel so buoyant that -one would even be able to finish a meal at the Cecil.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[Pg 210]</a></span></p> - -<p>"You said, O Socrates, that their clergy adopt Evolution because of the -authority it gives them. Surely, they can tarry no longer in adopting -the improved means of communication. If Marconi can wire wirelessly to -New York, how can the clergy stay lagging behind? They must needs go -one better, and wire wirelessly to Elysium. Nothing can be plainer.</p> - -<p>"People want it.</p> - -<p>"Soon Messrs Wright will ascend the Rainbow and sit astride on it. Even -before that, Herr Zeppelin will land the first German street-band on -Mars; and, probably, ere that is done, Madame Curie will by means of -a rock of Radium as big as St Paul's illumine and read all the vast -depths of the unexplored Heavens.</p> - -<p>"How, under these circumstances, can the clergy remain behind? It -is unthinkable. Accordingly, it is understood that the <i>Daily Nail</i> -and the <i>Crony</i> will have every day a column called <i>Elysiograms</i>. -It will consist of single words, numbers, signs, exclamations, and -pauses, <i>elysiogrammed</i> from over there. Some paragraphs will consist -of commas, colons, semi-colons, and dots only. They will be the most -interesting. These messages will be carefully distinguished from -massages. They will be quite different. They will give the most -astounding news. My principal pupil, Professor Oliver Nodge, just -marconied me the latest <i>Elysiogram</i>, which he was fortunate enough to -receive to-day:</p> - -<blockquote> - -<p>"'Rather hot day to-night.—Feel depressed as if I had exchanged -ideas with Mr H.C.—4, 0,—:!—Place here somewhat out of date.—Do -send me<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[Pg 211]</a></span> <i>Times</i> more regularly.—Can now see that flannels do not -conduce to health.—Never forget to wind up your watch!—Death is -a mere incident in Life.—If you can avoid it, don't die!—It is a -failure.—34, 56, 78, 90, 12....'"</p></blockquote> - -<p>When Diogenes had finished reading the <i>Elysiogram</i> of his pupil, even -Hephæstus (Vulcan), otherwise so grave, broke out in a tremendous -laughter which made one of the tiers of the Coliseum shake like an -elm-tree in a gale.</p> - -<p>"I am delighted to see," continued Diogenes, "that my pupils contribute -to your amusement. It is indeed beyond a doubt that without them this -world would be considerably staler and duller than it is. You may -imagine that my pupils will not rest contented with a daily column in a -newspaper.</p> - -<p>"They will found Elysiogram papers of their own; found Elysiogram -Churches; build up Elysiogram congregations; deliver Elysiogram -sermons; in short, they will establish <i>The New Religion</i> -of—<i>Elysionism</i>.</p> - -<p>"In this marvellous Religion the believer is given all the shivers, -cardiac vibrations, nervous shocks and prostrate contritions, -pleasantly alternated with ecstatic exuberance, that he may wish for.</p> - -<p>"In that respect it is far superior to any music hall.</p> - -<p>"These funny clergymen rage against the music halls. But why have they -abolished all public, gay, and variegated Church festivals, such as the -Middle Ages had introduced in plenty? The public do want to have their -shocks and shivers. If the Church does not provide some of them, music -halls will.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[Pg 212]</a></span></p> - -<p>"We Hellenes did everything to render Religion attractive and -enjoyable. Our religious processions and public festivals were gorgeous -with colours, fun, art, music, and touching piety.</p> - -<p>"How could any Hellene have felt the need of a modern music hall, this -the last degradation of the human intellect, worse than the Roman -gladiatorial games, worse than the Spanish bull-fights, worse than the -worst of French novels.</p> - -<p>"If, therefore, the clergy will take our New Religion into the least -consideration, they will forthwith see the immense advantages thereof. -In <i>Elysionism</i> the most languorously delicate of the elegant ladies -will at last find what she has all this time been hankering for.</p> - -<p>"In the morning when she gets up between twelve and two o'clock, -she will with religious shivers reach after the Elysiogram press. -With burning eye she will run over the columns in search of the -latest <i>Elysiogram</i>. Just think of her excitement on finding, in one -paragraph or another, some indiscretion of one of her departed friends, -male or female, regarding her. Just imagine how she will devoutly -run to the editor of the paper, or to the <i>Elysiop</i>, that is, the -chief bishop of the New Religion, offering him £100, £200, nay £500 -for the 'tranquillity' of the poor soul in Elysium from whom came -that disquieting par. The <i>Elysiop</i> will promise to do his best and -will—enter the £500 <i>pour les frais de l'église</i>. What a delightfully -exciting experience to have!</p> - -<p>"Later on in the day, the same lady will enjoy the anxiety of a lady -friend of hers who is waiting for an <i>Elysiogram</i> from her husband who -disappeared<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[Pg 213]</a></span> a few months before without sending his faithful wife the -correct official statement of his departure. What exquisite moments of -nervous expectation to pass!</p> - -<p>"For a few further bank-notes <i>pour les frais de l'église</i>, the -liberating <i>Elysiogram</i> appears.</p> - -<p>"Imagine the interest with which sermons delivered by the Elysiop, -Elysiarch, or the Elyseacon, will be attended by the <i>beau monde</i>. The -preacher after the customary introduction will pull from his pocket -the latest <i>Elysiograms</i>, which are notoriously frequent on Saturdays. -Artistically pausing before he begins reading them out, he will -fill all these vibrants with the most dainty nervous wrenchings and -twistings.</p> - -<p>"Then slowly he will report to them the latest news from Elysium and -Hades. With that justice so characteristic of the Powers of the Other -World, the pleasant news, full of consolation and comfort, is addressed -to such members as have proved zealous in deed and alms to the Church. -On the other hand, members whose zeal left much to be desired, are -treated to news that makes both kinds of their hair stand on end.</p> - -<p>"Where is the music hall or even the theatre that will be in a position -to vie with such a Church in intense attractiveness? Once the classes -as well as the masses are drawn to it, some Oxford or Liverpool -professor will speedily come forward with the new dogmatics of -<i>Elysionism</i>; and in less than three years Prof. Harnack of Berlin will -write its history of dogmatics, and publish maps about its geographical -distribution.</p> - -<p>"Amongst the innumerable blessings of this<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[Pg 214]</a></span> Religion there is one the -value of which cannot be exaggerated, let alone properly estimated. I -mean, of course, its vast resources for healing all diseases. It is -patent that once we stand in continuous and direct communication with -Elysium, we can easily inquire from our departed ones what we ought to -do in case of illness. Since a given individual in Elysium who died -of, say, hay-fever has traversed all its stages, and is naturally -more conversant with it than any terrestrial doctor can ever be, -knowing thereof not only the stages passing on earth but also those -going on beyond the Rainbow; he is in the best of positions to advise -a patient what to do and what not to do. Especially, when one takes -into consideration that according to the most authentic <i>Elysiograms</i>, -written by Prof. Nodge's own Elysio-typer, all departed people agree -that hay-fever, appendicitis, pneumonia, etc., are only the <i>noms de -plume</i> of Dr Smith, Dr Jones, Dr Jenkinson, and so on.</p> - -<p>"We shall, accordingly, in any case of illness, simply communicate the -symptoms to Elysium and ask for detailed instructions from such of the -Elysians as have died of that disease. In that way we are sure to heal -all diseases much more rapidly than even Christian Science or Mahometan -Chemistry could do.</p> - -<p>"We shall sell Elysio-pills, with which no Beecham's Pill will be -able to compete; and using the indications we shall receive from over -the Acheron, we shall have <i>dépôts</i> of Elysian Waters triumphing over -Hunyady János, Carlsbad Sprudel, Contrexéville, or Aix-les-Bains.</p> - -<p>"In fact, since the Kaiser is well known to be in close relations -to the Upper World, and an intimate<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[Pg 215]</a></span> friend of Providence, we shall -arrange through him an Elysian Bath, somewhere near Nauheim.</p> - -<p>"Then our Religion will be complete.</p> - -<p>"It will have its unique Press, its hierarchy, its liturgy, sermons, -pills, waters, and watering-places, let alone its Pleasant Sunday -Afternoons, moral gymnasiums, self-denial weeks, and special wireless -costumes.</p> - -<p>"The extant religions will all disappear; religious unity will reign -over the whole world, and if you, O Zeus, will consent to it, I shall -personally preside at my headquarters in Westbourne Park Chapel."</p> - -<p>The speech of Diogenes was received with hearty applause, and even -stern Demosthenes congratulated him on his idea of offering a really -new shake-up to the tired nerves of the poor human tremolos of Mayfair -and the East End.</p> - -<p>Several of the gods volunteered to send messages for the <i>Elysian -Times</i>, and Cæsar proposed that he and Alexander the Great, Pericles, -and other heroes send messages counterdicting the extant Greek and -Roman histories of their exploits, in order to enjoy the huge fun -arising from the confusion amongst scholars.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>When the hilarity of the Assembly had reached its maximum, Zeus -addressed them as follows:</p> - -<p>"Before, O Friends, we part from here repairing to Olympus, and -eventually to Japan and China, I propose that Plato give us his serious -impression of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[Pg 216]</a></span> what turn the next religious phase of the little ones -will take. I entitle him even to say, with due moderation, what turn it -shall take."</p> - -<p>Plato, rising from his seat near Socrates and Aristotle, first bowed -to Zeus, and then to Apollo whom he requested to allow his priests -to intone the sacred hymn of Delphi. That hymn, Plato said, had been -handed down from hoary antiquity, and was the song best fitted to fill -the hearts of men with the sentiment of religion; the Roman Church, -he added, still retained it. Apollo nodded consent, and forthwith the -archons of Delphi, aided by the great choir of the Parthenon, filled -the still night with mighty harmonies. The simple tunes rose into the -heights like columns upon which the singers finally laid down capitals, -architraves and pediments of serene melodies, until all Rome and the -surrounding plains and valleys seemed changed into one vast musical -temple, while the echo of the Albanian Mountains handed the rhythms and -cadences on to stern Soracte and the Apennines.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>"I will not undertake," Plato said, "to determine what direction the -new Religion of the little ones will take. That direction depends upon -their whole life in peace and war, which is, and will remain, under -your exclusive control, O Zeus. But if I am to outline what shape and -function their Religion is likely to take in the near future, I feel -more confident of acquitting myself creditably. This applies more -parti<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[Pg 217]</a></span>cularly to the negative part of my task. I mean, it is quite -possible to criticise the various schemes of new Religions proposed by -a number of thinkers, and to say why these schemes will not succeed.</p> - -<p>"The most numerous schemes of this description have been propounded by -men of otherwise great abilities and accomplishments, such as Auguste -Comte, and his followers in England and elsewhere. They have tried to -establish rational Religions, or such in which Dionysus has no share. -This is a vain attempt.</p> - -<p>"Diogenes showed with great justice how all such attempts are doomed to -failure.</p> - -<p>"The more rational knowledge spreads both in bulk and in number of -disciples, the more the little ones will need a Dionysiac religion.</p> - -<p>"If the State or other ruling classes will not provide it properly, -eccentrics and faddists will do so improperly.</p> - -<p>"If the true enthusiasm for Art could really enter the hearts of the -masses, then, and then alone, Religion need not be Dionysiac. However, -this is impossible in nations consisting each of many millions of -people.</p> - -<p>"This is the greatness of your work, O Nietzsche. In your <i>Zarathustra</i> -you worship Apollo with piety, but you entreat Dionysus too to enter -the temple. However, you restrict your cult to the few, and for this -reason you cannot succeed to a greater extent than did Pythagoras, who -likewise closed the gates of his sanctuary to the Many.</p> - -<p>"The question in Europe is how to let the Many feel the Light of Apollo -and the Might of Dionysus. Unless this is done, nothing is done. Can -Pro<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[Pg 218]</a></span>testantism do that? Calvin is fast aging, and his hair is quite -white. Can Roman Catholicism do it?"</p> - -<p>At these words of Plato the first matutinal choir came wafted from the -Vatican. Plato made a pause. The Vestal Virgins bowed their heads. On -Cæsar's expressive face there appeared a strange smile, and leaning -over to Cicero, he whispered something into the ear of the great -orator-statesman. Zeus remained immobile.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Plato resumed thus: "The Romans of our time were to us Hellenes as -Protestantism is to Catholicism. Will the Rome of this day be absorbed -by the Protestants of the North as we were absorbed by ancient Rome?</p> - -<p>"You used to say, O Machiavelli, that this world belongs to the cold -hearts. That is probably quite true with regard to material things. But -is it true with regard to spiritual ones?</p> - -<p>"The North of Europe is cold; the South is warm. The former is romantic -at its best, and eccentric at its worst; while the South is classic -at its best, and irreverential at its worst. The North therefore will -worship Apollo only in a haze, and Dionysus in distorted forms; while -the South willingly bows to Apollo full of heavenly light, and accepts -Dionysus only by means of a strict, hierarchical organisation.</p> - -<p>"Can any Bach write one 'well-tempered' fugue<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[Pg 219]</a></span> on both North and South? -Can they in future be united in one belief?</p> - -<p>"We have had so far two kinds of Religion only. One, those of small -States, such as we had in Greece or Italy; the other, universal -Religions, such as the Religion of Jesus, based on humans as mere -abstracts, as mere equal atoms; Religions that applied to any person -irrespective of State, race, class, or occupation. There are, however, -now no small States such as we used to found, nor is all European -humanity one vast conglomeration of atomic men.</p> - -<p>"There are now new entities: nations.</p> - -<p>"Will each of them develop her own Religion?</p> - -<p>"Most likely, I think.</p> - -<p>"It is with Religions as with Law and Language: each nation, the more -high-strung it becomes, the more it differentiates its Law and its -Language. In the Middle Ages, up to the twelfth century, there were not -fifty languages in Europe. There are now far over a thousand.</p> - -<p>"Each nation wants its own way of worshipping and representing Apollo -and Dionysus. In countries full of musical enthusiasm the religious -<i>rôle</i> of Dionysus is different from what it is in countries where -music is not an organ of the national soul. Should Europe ever be -levelled down to one United States of Europe (—at these words one -could see Zeus smile with benignant sarcasm—) then there will arise -new Religions in nearly every county of every country.</p> - -<p>"In England we see the process clearly developing. The official Church -is neither quite Apollo nor quite Dionysus; it is a product grown -somewhere between Rome and Geneva, say at Leghorn.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[Pg 220]</a></span></p> - -<p>"The unofficial Churches accept Dionysus only as enthusiasm for -unenthusiastic matters, such as Puritanism; while Apollo with them is a -Sunday school teacher.</p> - -<p>"And this cannot be otherwise. An Imperialist nation cannot have -an Imperialist Religion too, otherwise the heads of that Religion -would run the Empire. The English, in the interest of their Empire, -disintegrated their ancient Religion. In other words, they were bound -to obscure Apollo and to degrade Dionysus by eccentricities.</p> - -<p>"Take the Unitarians. Unable to find place for Dionysus in their -over-rationalised Religion, they rush into moral eccentricities, such -as a wholesale condemnation of war, a sickly philanthropy that yet -seldom leaves the precincts of words, and other morbid habits.</p> - -<p>"In England, Religion cannot be allowed its full-fledged growth. Should -the English lose their Empire and, which is doubtful, yet survive as -a small island-state, they will forthwith change their Religions, and -the first of these to be dropped will be Anglicanism; while Methodism, -in one of its extremer forms, is the most likely to replace all the -others, should Catholicism not supplant it.</p> - -<p>"The only new Christian Religion likely to arise in the British Empire -is one in India, which will stand to British Christianity as the Greek -Church stands to the Roman. I wonder why one or another of the British -missionaries has not developed it long ago.</p> - -<p>"In Great Britain herself a powerful new Religion cannot be devised as -yet.</p> - -<p>"It is quite different on the Continent; and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[Pg 221]</a></span> it is devoutly to be -hoped that France will shake off her torpor and pour new religious -enthusiasm into the soul of her nation.</p> - -<p>"It is also to be hoped that the Japanese will at last adopt a Religion -fitting their new status as a great nation. They will never accept -Protestantism. They may accept some new form of Romanism, in that -the great distance of Rome from Tokio guarantees them from too much -interference, and because their next objective, the thousands of -islands called the Philippines, have long been converted to Romanism.</p> - -<p>"I have, in my travels on earth, frequently been asked whether our own -beautiful Religion could not be revived again.</p> - -<p>"To this the answer can hardly be doubtful. Our Religion was so -intimately connected with our peculiar polity that unless such polities -should be revived, our Religion cannot be reintroduced into the life of -nations.</p> - -<p>"In my Republic I have anticipated most of the political communities -that have arisen after my death; and the Roman Church has fully -confirmed my prediction, that the polity in which philosophers will be -kings will be the most abiding of all. The restrictions which I placed -on the various classes of my ideal Republic have not been literally -observed by the Roman Church; she has laid upon them other restrictions.</p> - -<p>"But then as now I say, that the greater the Ideal, the heavier price -we have to pay for it.</p> - -<p>"The little ones, listening to arm-chair experts, multi-millionaires -and faddists, indulge in the childish belief that they will be able -to bring Elysium down into their Assemblies, Market-places, and their -Social<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[Pg 222]</a></span> Life, by removing all severe conflicts, all cruelty, all -relentless punishments, and similar necessities which are only the -inevitable price paid for some great good. They think they will make -the world more humane, by giving up any attempt at weeding out all the -bad herbs among the human grass.</p> - -<p>"They will never do it. If they want to have a Religion better than the -one they have, they will have to pay an exceedingly heavy price for it.</p> - -<p>"First is Calvary, and then comes the Resurrection.</p> - -<p>"Religion is an Ideal, and hence very costly. If ever the general -brotherhood of men should be realised, just for one year, the -sacrifices to be paid for such a sublime ideal would be so immense that -people would at once relapse into the other extreme.</p> - -<p>"Nothing wiser ever fell from your lips, O Goethe, than your saying -that 'nothing is more hard to endure than a series of three beautiful -days.'</p> - -<p>"We Greeks know it. We realised many an ideal; more than has been -realised by any other people. Accordingly, we did not last very long. -Do not covet the stars! Be satisfied with a little cottage in the midst -of a small garden.</p> - -<p>"But you were right, O Spinoza, that the whole essence of Man is -concupiscence. He <i>will</i> desire and aspire after an endless array of -things, all of which he wants to have for nothing.</p> - -<p>"It is in vain that we tell him that there is no more expensive shop -than that where gratification of desires is sold.</p> - -<p>"In vain have all the Religions essayed to inculcate the lesson of -resignation, one by threatening dire<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[Pg 223]</a></span> punishments on earth, the other -by menacing eternal pains in yonder world.</p> - -<p>"Resignation is the last thing a human thinks of. He thinks he is so -clever, so intelligent, so inventive and especially so 'progressive,' -that he will bend Ideals to his will, as he has done with a few of the -physical forces of Nature. He does not know that while other goods -require only the abnegation of one or a few individuals, Ideals exact -the privation of multitudes.</p> - -<p>"Could we free Greeks have been what we were, had we not stood on the -bodies of degraded slaves who relieved us of the drudgery of life? One -cannot be free and a slave at the same time.</p> - -<p>"In my deep conviction of the heavy sacrifices demanded for Ideals, -I frequently think that we Greeks, and more particularly myself, who -introduced this thirst for Ideals into the world, have thereby done -Europe more harm than good.</p> - -<p>"How many a time has the fate of Prometheus been re-enacted in millions -of ideal-smitten Europeans! There he is, bound to a rock, while an -eagle eats his liver, because he wanted to bring down Olympus to earth.</p> - -<p>"The Religion that will teach man serene resignation; that will imbue -him with the sense of the magnitude of Ideals; that will make him feel -that Ideals are not for man, but for gods; that Religion will save him.</p> - -<p>"None other.</p> - -<p>"The priests of that Religion must be the first to exemplify that -Resignation to the full. They must not preach Resignation while -themselves dressed in purple and clothed in the amplest rights of -Pre<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[Pg 224]</a></span>cedence, Authority, and Splendour. Will there ever be such priests?</p> - -<p>"I doubt it. What priests want and what they have always wanted, is -nothing but authority.</p> - -<p>"They have founded and brought to its most consummate expression the -science of authority-seeking. They know how to impress people. I do not -hope that they will ever give up such a profitable accomplishment; and -consequently no Religion of the future will have a remarkable success -unless it enables its founders to invest many persons with great -authority.</p> - -<p>"The scant authority it gives to its incumbents is the chief weakness -of Protestantism as compared with Roman Catholicism. This world is -ruled by Authority; and so far, the other world too has been governed -by the same means. And so at the end, as well as at the outset of our -reflections on Life we start and come back to the same eternal truth, -that practical life wants not truth as such, but only <i>effectology</i>.</p> - -<p>"Truth proper, and independent of any practical effects, has its place -only at the foot of Your Mighty Throne in Olympus, O Zeus.</p> - -<p>"We Hellenes having been on a plane altogether higher than is that of -the little ones, we dared to introduce some truths proper into our -life. We sincerely called a spade a spade. We knew that some women and -men must suffer, in order that others may fully develop their humanity; -and so we instituted slavery, scorning, as we did, the half-measures of -quarter, third, or three quarters liberty in men or women. We openly -talked of the 'Envy of the gods,' which is one of the deepest truths -of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[Pg 225]</a></span> life. And thus in many a custom, law, or measure of ours we had the -courage to enshrine truth proper in the prose-frame of ordinary life.</p> - -<p>"This emboldened me to think that there might one day be a State, a -Republic, wholly built on eternal truths. And so I wrote my book hoping -it would serve as a beacon-fire for all times and all humans.</p> - -<p>"At present I know better. What people want, in Religion or Science, is -<i>effectological</i> truth, and not truth proper. My book, as the rest of -my work, has procured me a place in Olympus, but has not enabled me to -conquer a single town of the nether-world.</p> - -<p>"I too have learnt to resign myself.</p> - -<p>"Truth, like Beauty, and Goodness, is not meant for the little ones. -And yet they will in all times go on their pilgrimage to our shrines; -through all ages they will worship Athens and mighty Rome as the true -home of humanity; as the age and the men who had the divine courage of -truthfulness, and the saving grace of Beauty."</p> - -<p>Zeus and Juno rose from their chryselephantine seats. The shades of -the night became lighter, and at a sign from Mercury, the whole divine -Assembly left their places and moved through the air towards Olympus.</p> - - -<p class="center">THE END</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - - - -<p class="center" style="margin-top:10em;">Catalogue of the<br /> - -Publications of T. Werner Laurie.</p> - - - - -<p>ABBEYS OF GREAT BRITAIN, The (H. Clairborne Dixon and E. 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