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| author | nfenwick <nfenwick@pglaf.org> | 2025-02-06 15:20:19 -0800 |
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| committer | nfenwick <nfenwick@pglaf.org> | 2025-02-06 15:20:19 -0800 |
| commit | 63adc938c775ada8e7cae562226d3ed23dc5cc60 (patch) | |
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| parent | ae7192ef1169d32044354a7dc057f0c622fde4df (diff) | |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..61c51d7 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #53280 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/53280) diff --git a/old/53280-0.txt b/old/53280-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 7b5685b..0000000 --- a/old/53280-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,4415 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Will Rossiter's Original Talkalogues by -American Jokers, by Will Rossiter - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Will Rossiter's Original Talkalogues by American Jokers - -Author: Will Rossiter - -Release Date: October 15, 2016 [EBook #53280] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WILL ROSSITER'S ORIGINAL TALKALOGUES *** - - - - -Produced by Demian Katz and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (Images courtesy -of the Digital Library@Villanova University -(http://digital.library.villanova.edu/)) - - - - - - - [Illustration: - - WILL ROSSITER’S - TALKALOGUES - BY THE WORLD’S BEST WRITERS - - J. S. OGILVIE 57 ROSE STREET - PUBLISHING COMPANY NEW YORK - ] - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - WILL ROSSITER’S - - ORIGINAL - TALKALOGUES. - - BY - - AMERICAN JOKERS. - - ------- - - (COPYRIGHT, 1903, BY WILL ROSSITER.) - - ------- - - NEW YORK: - J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY, - 57 ROSE STREET. - - - - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - Try Murine Eye Remedy - - - [Illustration: MURINE FOR YOUR EYES - - AN EYE TONIC] - -To Refresh, Cleanse and Strengthen the Eye. To Stimulate the Circulation -of the Blood Supply which Nourishes the Eye, and Restore a Healthful -Tone to Eyes Enfeebled by Exposure to Strong Winds, Dust, Reflected -Sunlight and Eye Strain. To Quickly Relieve Redness, Swelling and -Inflamed Conditions. - -Murine is compounded in the Laboratory of the Murine Eye Remedy Co., -Chicago, by Oculists, as used for years in Private Practice, and is Safe -and Pleasant in its Application to the most Sensitive Eye, or to the -Eyes of a nursing Infant. Doesn’t Smart. - -Murine is a Reliable Relief for All Eyes that Need Care. - - Your Druggist sells Murine Eye Remedies. Our Books mailed Free, - tell you all about them and how to use them. - - May be sent by mail at following prices. - - Murine Eye Remedy 25c., 50c., $1.00 - DeLuxe Toilet Edition—For the Dressing Table 1.25 - Tourist—Autoist—in Leather Case 1.25 - Murine Eye Salve in Aseptic Tubes 25c., 1.00 - Granuline—For Chronic Sore Eyes and Trachoma 1.50 - - MURINE EYE REMEDY CO. - Michigan Avenue and Randolph Street, CHICAGO, U. S. A. - - - - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - PUBLISHER’S NOTE - - - If at times you’re feeling blue, - Take this book and read it through; - Pass it on to friend or brother; - For yourself—just buy another! - - - - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - Contents - - - TALKALOGUES 9-33 - _By E. P. Moran_ - - MORE TALKALOGUES 34-38 - _By Joseph Horrigan_ - - LOVE AND LAGER BEER 38 - _By Leontine Stanfield_ - - THE MAN FROM SQUASHOPOLIS 40-49 - _By Harry L. Newton_ - - THE PACIFIC SLOPE 49-60 - _By Harry L. Newton_ - - WOULDN’T GOLF DIALECT DO? 60-62 - - SOME WESTERN STORIES 62-64 - - HAPPENINGS IN KEROSENELAMPVILLE 64-67 - - BITS OF VERSE AND PROSE 68-72 - _By Edwards & Ronney_ - - RAPID FIRE 73-85 - _By Harry L. Newton_ - - “A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME” 86 - - AN ORIGINAL HABEAS CORPUS CASE 87-89 - - LI HUNG CHANG’S JOKE 89 - - FIFTEEN MINUTES WITH A PLAYWRIGHT 90-95 - _By Harry L. Newton_ - - POPULAR SONGS APPROPRIATELY APPLIED 96 - - - - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - WILL ROSSITER’S - - Original - Talkalogues - - -Well, well! here we are again! I just did manage to get here on time, -too. I never thought I’d be able to do it in the world. My wife and I -were out riding in our automobile, and we got into a heated argument as -to which of us was the better chauffeur. During the excitement of the -argument we both neglected to hold the lines of the automobile, and it -shied at a piece of paper and ran away. - -Instinct told us both to make a grab, I for the lever and she for my -hair. Just then the automobile struck the curb-stone, and my wife and I -had a “falling out.” - -[Illustration: - - My wife and I had a “falling out.” -] - -There I was, several miles from the theater, with a broken-down -automobile and an angry wife that wouldn’t speak to me. Wasn’t that -suffering for you? I felt sure that I could make it to the theater all -right, but I didn’t know whether I’d have time to “make up” or not. - -This trying to please a woman is a tough game. I tell you, ladies, the -trouble is the men don’t know just how to take their wives. Now I took -mine in an automobile, and it turned out a frost. Maybe if I had taken -her in a wheelbarrow she’d have thought it delightful—still, I doubt it. - -But I wasn’t married always; I was an American citizen once myself. I -say American citizen once, because an American citizen prides himself -that he is under no tyrannical ruler, enjoys liberty and the fact that -he can do as he pleases. Therefore, a married man can’t be an American -citizen. - -The reason I married was that I was out of work. I answered an -advertisement for a situation, and the proprietor asked me “if I was -married.” I told him no, that I was single. Then he said: “Well, I’d -give you the position at once, only I must have a married man.” I said: -“Keep the place open for about an hour, and I’ll fix that all right—it’s -easier to get married than it is to get a job.” - -There’s no trouble in getting married at all; the trouble starts after -you are married—when you have to get up in the middle of the night and -walk the floor with Reginald singing coon songs; that is, Reginald does -not sing coon songs—you’ve got to sing to Reggy; and you can’t sing a -lullaby, or you’d go to sleep yourself. - -Why, I had an awfully hard time getting used to it; the kid used to cry -so much that it wouldn’t even stop for meals. The neighbors all said: -“O, my! why don’t you feed that baby on Mellin’s food? It would make a -different child of him.” I didn’t say a word to anyone, but went out and -bought eight watermelons and five cantaloupes and then I fed him till I -thought he’d bust. Well, after the doctors brought him to, he was a -different child; they asked me why I didn’t feed him on cucumbers and -sliced tripe. - -Of course, after that experience I knew better. So I got a box of the -true article at the druggist’s, and took the baby on my knee to feed -him. The directions said: “Before feeding the baby, shake well.” Well, -that was pie for me, because I had it in for him, anyway. I nearly shook -the life out of him; then I fed him. - -[Illustration: - - “Before feeding the baby, shake well.” -] - -I was overly anxious to follow the directions strictly to the letter, so -I read the whole thing through two or three times to make sure. Down -near the bottom it read: “N. B.—After child is fed—set in a cool place—” -I put him in the ice-box. - - * * * * * - -I went home the other evening and my wife said: “Ed, you know that this -is the night that we are to go to the swell reception given by the -Richmonds.” I said: “Yes, dear, I remember.” I hadn’t given it a -thought, but I wasn’t going to tell her that. Then she came over and put -her arms around me and started to cry. I asked what the trouble was, and -she said: “Well, you know, dear, I only intended getting just a light -dinner, because, you know, we’ll get plenty to eat at the reception.” -Then I lied again and said: “Yes, I know.” “Well,” she went, on, “the -cook has allowed what little we were going to have to burn, and now -there isn’t a thing in the house fit to eat. But don’t scold,” she said, -“for she is so young and inexperienced, and, besides, she’s so sweet; -won’t a kiss do instead?” I was pretty hungry, but I said: “All right; -send her in.” - -[Illustration: - - Put her arms around me and started to cry -] - -For a long time I didn’t think we’d go to the reception—but, finally I -squared matters and told her to run on and get dressed. I read the -evening paper until she started putting on her hat,—and then I started -to get ready. After I was dressed and waiting about five minutes she -said she was ready. So we started for the reception, she on her dignity -and I on an empty stomach. And I might as well say right here, I took my -empty stomach back home with me again, for all I saw there to eat was -some opera-glass sandwiches—that is, you could look through them. - -With these they passed around lemonade, and after that was gobbled up by -the hungry mob they flashed a box or two of bon-bons. Think of -it—bon-bons on an empty stomach! If it wasn’t for fear of my wife being -jealous I’d have gone to the kitchen and made a play for the cook. - -I never attended anything that I got so disgusted with in all my life. -Did you ever have to go to one, fellows, with your wife? The women all -sit around in bunches, and each bunch runs down the others. Mrs. -Hypocrite will look up rather suddenly to see if she can discover -anybody talking about her, and she notices that Mrs. Stabyouinthe Back -is gazing fixedly at her; then, each seeing that they are caught, smile -sweetly, bow to each other and go back to knocking. - -How can they do it, girls? How can they do it? Each woman there knew, -deep down in her heart, that every woman three feet away was talking -about her! If it wasn’t about her hat being one of last season’s styles -it was about the way her dress was made; and if both of these happened -to be above criticism then they would say: “O, pshaw! what good is all -that finery to her? It doesn’t become her! It would be just the same if -she had a Worth gown on, and the hat—well, she could put on picture-hats -from all the picture-books published and it wouldn’t make her look -dressed! Why, she can look well with nothing on!” - -As though that woman would go to a reception with nothing on! - -But the part that takes my time is that after all their knocking they -stand in the hall when it’s time to go home, and, with the door open -until everybody in the house is chilled to death, they have three or -four rounds of kisses, tell what a delightful time they have had and -invite each other to come and see them! - -Henceforth I scratch receptions off my list. Nothing but a stag goes -with me any more. - -There was one poor fellow there that I took quite a fancy to—he was -holding up the wall opposite to me. After a bit I went over and spoke to -him. “How are you getting on?” I asked. “O, I’m holding up all right,” -he said—I didn’t know whether he meant the wall or his spirits. - -We talked for a while, and then he gaped and said: “Excuse me”; and I -gaped and said: “Excuse me.” Then after a bit I gaped and said: “Pardon -me”; and he gaped immediately after me and said: “Pardon me,” and we -went on talking. Finally he said: “Don’t you think it’s a long gap -between gaps?” I said: “So it is.” Then, feeling one coming on, I said: -“Have a gap on me.” He said: “Not on your life! The last one was on you; -have this one on me”—and I did. - -I said: “It’s awfully slow here, isn’t it?” “I should say it is,” he -replied. I said: “Let’s go home.” “I am home,” he said; “my wife is -giving this affair.” - - * * * * * - -My mother-in-law is a lovely woman—at least, that’s what my wife tells -me, anyway; so it must be so. The old dame thinks a great deal of me, -too—in fact, she’s always thinking of me, and she’s not the little girl -that’s afraid to tell me what she’s thinking, either. My! but my left -ear is burning! - -We came near losing her the other day—unintentionally on our part, too, -because you couldn’t lose her if you tried. - -It happened in this way: We have a large, old-fashioned clock hanging in -the hall. It’s a massive affair and weighs quite a bit. Well, we were -all surprised to hear a terrible crash, which was caused by the clock -falling from its place on the wall and breaking in a thousand pieces. - -Now my mother-in-law figures in the story in this way: She had been -standing right underneath that clock only two minutes before it fell—and -had walked away. - -Of course, I was awfully sorry—to lose the clock, as it had been in our -family for generations back, and in all those years it had kept good -time up until the time it fell—and then it was ONLY TWO MINUTES SLOW. - -[Illustration: - - Only two minutes slow -] - - * * * * * - -I was walking along the street the other day when a tramp walked up and -touched me on the arm. He said: “Pardon me, but I have seen better -days.” I said: “So have I. I can remember back when such awful weather -as this was unknown.” - -[Illustration: - - A tramp touched me on the arm -] - -I said: “So long,” and started to walk away, but little Willie was right -there. “Excuse me,” he said, “but will you give me five cents for a bite -to eat?” I said: “A bite! what good is a bite? If you had a meal for -sale I might talk business to you.” - - * * * * * - -Of all the narrow escapes from death I ever witnessed I think the one -that I saw to-day was nothing short of a miracle. I was walking along -Broadway [substitute local street] when my attention was attracted to a -man standing on a scaffold painting an advertising sign on the fourth -story of a building. It made me feel dizzy to look up at him. He worked -away, seemingly unconscious of his dangerous position. - -Suddenly I noticed him stagger; he made a grab for one of the ropes to -protect himself, but missed it. I closed my eyes in horror as I saw him -fall—the blood seemed to freeze in my very veins—I felt faint. - -[Illustration: - - I closed my eyes in horror -] - -I could stand the suspense no longer. I opened my eyes, but all seemed -blurred before them. “Is he dead?” I asked of a man standing by my side. -“No; he’s all right,” the man answered. “But he fell, didn’t he?” I -cried. “O, yes, he fell all right,” he said; “but he landed on a bunch -of rubber-necks and bounced back on the scaffold again.” - - * * * * * - -Wishing to make the jump from New York to Chicago a few weeks ago, I -called on a friend of mine who stands pretty well with one of the -officials of a certain railroad. I asked my friend if he thought he -could get me a rate over that line, and he promised to see what he could -do for me. - -He said: “I’ll go right down, and if I can possibly get you a rate I’ll -send word up to your hotel.” I said: “All right, old man; I’ll -appreciate it very much.” - -After waiting around the hotel for about an hour I recollected that I -had a little business to transact down town, and I thought I’d have time -to attend to it and get back to my hotel before the message arrived -concerning the rate. So I bought a newspaper and jumped on a down-town -car. - -I had scarcely rode over four or five blocks when the conductor came by -and shook me roughly by the arm and said, in a rough, surly manner: -“Hey, you! Did you expectorate? [Expect a rate.] Now don’t sit there and -tell me that you didn’t,” he added, “for I know you did.” - -[Illustration: - - “Hey, you! did you expectorate?” -] - -I was on my feet in an instant. “Why, you little insignificant, -illiterate collector of plugged coins and dispenser of pennies!” I -cried. “What do you mean by insulting me before this car full of people? -Yes,” I said, “I did expect a rate, but that’s my affair. It’s none of -your confounded business, nor anyone else’s, if I expect a pass! What I -expect and what I don’t expect concern me alone!” - -“O, is that so?” he sneered. “You’re going to bluff me—that’s what you -expect. Now here’s what you don’t expect”—and he called a policeman and -had me arrested for spitting on the floor of the car. - - * * * * * - -Did you ever have the toothache? My! but isn’t it a great thing to make -you forget all your other troubles? I had the toothache the other night, -and it nearly had me wild. I wouldn’t have minded being awakened by the -tooth so much, but it was the nerve of the thing that struck me—and it -struck me properly. - -I jumped up, dressed myself and dashed over to the dentist’s. I said: -“Doc, you argue with it, will you—you’ve got more of a pull than I -have.” - -[Illustration: - - Dashed over to the dentist’s -] - -Then after he had it out he showed it to me, and I was surprised to -think that such a tiny thing could make a person act so foolishly. - -But I wasn’t the only one in misery, for there was a lady that came in -shortly after I, and her jaw was swollen out like that. [Measure.] The -doctor looked in her mouth and said: “My dear madam, you have evidently -made a mistake—this is a dental office, not a quarry. You’ll have to -take that to some place where they blast rock.” - - * * * * * - -I went into a cigar-store the other day, and walking up to the counter I -said to the proprietor: “Let me have a Childs cigar.” “Pardon me, sir,” -he said; “but what did you say you wanted?” “A Childs cigar, if you -please,” I replied. “A child’s cigar? I am very sorry,” he said; “but we -are not allowed to sell a child a cigar—but if a cinnamon cigarette will -do you any good I can sell you one of those.” - -[Illustration: - - “Let me have a Childs cigar” -] - - * * * * * - -I had a friend once that suffered terribly from a half-dozen different -complaints. He woke up in the middle of the night once, and he didn’t -know what ached him the most—the cold that had settled on his chest, his -liver that was out of order, or the corn that he had on his little toe. - -Anyway he got up, dressed himself and woke the druggist up to fix him -some medicine that would give him some relief. The druggist fixed him up -a powerful liniment, some pills and a corn-plaster, saying: “Rub your -chest with the liniment for your cold, swallow the pills for your liver -and use the corn-plaster for your toe.” - -My friend kept repeating this to himself all the way back home, but when -he got there he was all puzzled up. He stuck the corn-plaster on his -chest, swallowed the liniment and tied the pills on his corn. - -After that, he never suffered any more pain—he died without a struggle. - - * * * * * - -Isn’t it strange the funny things a man will run into? Now I ran into a -well-known comedian this morning. I got an awful bump, too—it cost me a -V. Have you ever noticed that an actor whom nature has best fitted for -comedy invariably wants to break into the legit., and vice versa? - -Now, for instance, the man that I met this morning is doing comedy, -while every one that knows him will tell you that he is at his best in -“touching” scenes. He can get my testimonial any old time. - - * * * * * - -Do you know a woman can’t stand flattery? It’s a fact. Now I went home -the other evening, and, seeing my wife so earnestly engaged with the -housework I could not refrain from commenting on it. I said: “Why, my -dear, you’re as busy as a bee”—and the next day she got all jollied up -and broke out with the hives. - - By E. P. Moran - -[Illustration] - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - -There seems to be a lot of talk about woman suffrage going on lately. -It’s in reference to giving women the same right to vote that men have. -Some men are in favor of it, while others are not; but, strange to say, -the politicians to a man are against giving woman the right to vote, and -I’ll tell you why. - -A politician can get up in front of a gathering of men, throw out his -chest and exclaim: “I am man’s greatest friend”—and they’ll believe him. -But can that man get up before a crowd of women and say: “I am woman’s -greatest friend”? - -[Illustration: - - “I am man’s greatest friend” -] - -No, sir—not on your life! They wouldn’t believe him—not while there is a -bottle of Lydia Pinkham’s Vegetable Compound on the market! - - * * * * * - -In front of the office of the New York Journal [name local paper] on -last election night, a tremendous crowd had gathered. They pushed and -squeezed each other in order to get a look at the election returns that -were being shown by the stereopticon. An old maid passed that way, and -wishing to continue on down the street she said to a police officer -standing there: “Officer, can I get through that crowd?” - -[Illustration: - - “Officer, can I get thru that crowd?” -] - -He looked at her a moment and said: “Lady, if you attempt to go through -that crowd you’ll be squeezed ’most to death.” - -A bright smile overspread her antique countenance as she looked up at -him and said: “O, I’m not afraid to die!” Then she jumped into the -crowd. - - * * * * * - -In a small town in New England, where the laws against prize-fighting -are very strict, an ambitious youth by the name of Green was caught -training for a fight. He was arrested and brought before the Judge, who -said: “Mr. Green, you are charged with violating the law by training for -a prize-fight; have you anything to say in your defense?” - -“Well, your honor,” said Green, “is it against the law for a young lady -to put on a corset?” “No,” replied the Judge, “it is not.” - -“Then, your honor,” said Green, “I ask to be discharged, as there is no -difference between a fighter training for a fight and a young woman -putting on her corsets—they are both getting into shape.” - -[Illustration: - - “I ask to be discharged” -] - - By Joseph Horrigan - -[Illustration] - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - Now the thing we call love is like lager beer, - Only good when it’s fresh on tap, I fear. - Out of cut-glass and silver of course it’s nice, - If you can afford it and have the price; - But you’ll find any day when your purse is small - That from pewter it’s better than no beer at all. - The one thing important, and this is no “con,” - Is to get your drink quick, while the thirst is on. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - _The_ Man from - Squashopolis - - By Harry L. Newton - - [Copyright MCMIII by Will Rossiter] - - -Ladies and gentlemen, and those that are sitting in the boxes, and you, -too, orchestra, you’ll pardon me if I hesitate for a moment, but I’ve -just returned from a very long walk. All the way from Squashopolis, -b’gosh! I think that was the name of the town where our show closed. We -say “Closed,” you see. You know when a saloon-keeper or a bank, or a -chop-suey restaurant, or an iceman, gives up business, we say that the -owner liquidated, or busted up, or went to the devil, or it was a frost; -but a theatrical troupe always “closes.” It sounds better, you know; -just as if the manager got tired taking in money and was hiding some -place so that no one could throw any twenty-dollar gold-pieces at him. - -But Squashopolis is a great town! Ever heard of Squashopolis? No? Why, -it’s right between Pumpkinhollow and Spinachville. Squashopolis is the -largest town on the map. You see it was this way: The mayor and the -fire-department and the postmaster—that is, the fellow that ran the -saloon—bought a map of Indiana to find out where they were at, and -finding that the man who wrote the map had made a mistake and overlooked -the flourishing town of Squashopolis, the mayor and the fire-department, -etc., of the aforesaid town betook themselves to the pen and ink and -placed Squashopolis upon the map in a manner calculated to give their -beloved town its due importance and dignity; and that is how -Squashopolis became the largest town on the map. The census of the -village—I took it myself—revealed the fact that its population consists -of one saloon and three dogs. You see the town has gone to the dogs. I -asked the man at the railroad station where I could find the mayor. He -said: “Why, the mayor’s left and gone to the Klondike.” “How’d that -happen?” He said: “Why, money makes the mayor go.” Well, I’ll sing you a -sing. - - [INTRODUCE SONG] - -Well, I see that I’ve come out of that alive; now I’ll hand you some -more. Now, in all my adventures on land or sea, and I’ve often been at -sea as to where I was going to land (you never can tell in this -business), in all my travels the saddest event in my career occurred the -other day. I was invited to a swell dinner party—you know, a handful of -lettuce and a cup of coffee; they’re something fierce; you all know how -they are—maybe. - -Well, as soon as I got through my turn I left the theater prepared for a -long walk, as it was some distance from—pay-day. I stepped into the -alley—you know they always dump us into the alley when they get through -with us (they dump everything into the alley—actors, ashes, everything), -then you have to sneak your way between the piles. Why, it, was only -last night that I fell in a heap. - -Well, right on the corner of the alley I noticed a man posting some -bills. I said: “See here! Don’t post any bills there.” He says: “Why -not?” I said: “Don’t you see that sign: ‘Post no bills under penalty’?” -“Well, you big lobster,” said he, “don’t you see I’m posting them over -penalty?” - -Now that man was in the wrong business. I said to him: “What are you -posting those bills for?” He says: “Why, don’t you see? Them are -pictures of Richard Mansfield. He said if I’d stick these pictures up -for him he’d buy the drinks.” I said: “O, I see; you’re sticking him for -the drinks.” - -I just reached the sidewalk when I was approached by a tramp; no, not an -actor, but a decent, hard-working tramp. Yes, a hard-working tramp; I -know he worked me hard enough. He was one of those fellows who has a -child and sixteen wives to support. He said: “Friend, can you help a -poor old slob who has got money in the bank but don’t know how to make -out a check?” You know I’m generous; I’ve never yet refused any beggar -who came to me and asked—for a match. With tears in his voice he said: -“Say, mister, save me from a watery grave.” “How’s that?” I asked. -“Young fellow,” he says, “if you don’t give me a quarter I’ll have to -work in a soap factory or jump in the lake.” Well, I couldn’t help -parting with a week’s salary, so I gave him a quarter. You know, -somehow, he touched me. The man was overjoyed. “Friend,” he says, -“you’ve saved my life. I don’t know how to thank you. I feel as though I -never could repay you.” He never did. - -[Illustration: - - I was approached by a tramp. -] - -Talk about beggars! That night I met them all. If there was any I missed -they were on a vacation. They all seemed to take to me. They all seemed -to keep in touch with me, as it were. One man had nerve enough to ask me -for 19 cents to buy a shirtwaist. I gave him the 19 and told him not to -waste it. Talk about begging! I asked one man what he did for a living -and he begged the question. I asked: “Why don’t you go to work?” He -says: “I can’t; I’m a cripple.” I says: “That’s a lame excuse.” “Well,” -he says, “you see I’m tongue-tied and I can’t do a lick of work.” - -Then a young worried woman—I mean married woman—stopped and said: -“Excuse me, sir, but I’m in such trouble. My husband gave me sixty cents -to go down to the Boston Store and buy some radishes and a new -folding-bed, and I forgot myself and thought that I was single and spent -the money for a bunch of Allegretti’s; and now I haven’t any money to -buy the radishes, and I don’t know how in the world to get home.” - -I always did pity a woman in distress so I showed her the way. Then a -man came up to me and said—well, before he could say anything I asked -him: “Well, what is it? Radishes or a folding-bed?” He says: “I don’t -understand you. I wanted information as to where [local street] is.” -“O,” I said, “you want information? I thought you wanted a nickel.” - -The doctors say that begging is a disease, and I notice everybody has a -“touch” of it. Why, I believe there are more beggars in this town than -there are prohibitionists in Milwaukee. Why, all the boxers in China are -a Sweet Caporal guard along side the soldiers of misfortune I met that -night. I made a detour around the courthouse to avoid their left flank, -but I was confronted by the enemy’s center, which advanced toward me and -occupied a strong position on [local street.] - -They were commanded by a blind man with a picture of his finish on a -sixteen-inch hand-organ. With this he was doing great execution—to the -music. Among the wounded were the “Wild Irish Rose,” “She Is a Sensible -Girl,” “My Rainbow Coon,” “Whistling Rufus” and a “Bird in a Gilded -Cage.” “The Georgia Camp-Meeting” was also badly broken up. - -My retreat being cut off by their right flank, which moved around to cop -me at [local store] kopje, I decided to cut my way through the center -and encounter the enemy en masse, en massay, en massee—well, in great -big juicy bunches. - -One of the enemy approached me; as [local writer] would say, he was -brimful of the bibulous effervescence of concentrated outpourings of the -intellectual excrescences resulting from the imbibition of -infinitesimal—well, he was drunk. He started a spirited argument with -me. I scented trouble, and observing trouble—I mean a copper—I gave him -a cent. He gave me several scents and I almost lost my senses. He tried -to thank me but I told him not to breathe a word of it. - -Then a deah little child came up to mah and spoke to mah. She said she -was a long way from home. Her aunt had given her three cents to chase -herself to the parental roof—to ride home on—and she lost the money. -Seeing she was but a little child (under 12 years), I thought it was -only half fare, so I put her on the car. - -At this point the organ-grinder with a monkey began a disturbance on the -corner. One man declared he ought to be “pinched.” I said: “Certainly -not.” He asked: “Why not?” I said: “He is a human being and has a -perfect right to use his own organ.” He says: “Yes, as long as he -doesn’t monkey with anybody else’s.” - -I will now beg leave to change the subject, and tell you about the -dinner party I mentioned seven minutes ago. Well, no sooner had I -arrived at my destination than I was greeted by the hostess, who said: -“Why, how do you do? Won’t you recite something?” You know they think an -actor is just like a slot-machine. You throw in a meal and out comes a -stunt. Well, I didn’t like the meal very well, so I sung them a song. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - _The_ Pacific Slop - - By Harry L. Newton - - [Copyright MCMIII by Will Rossiter] - - -I have just returned from the Pacific slip—slop—slope, I meant to say. -Excuse the slop—I mean the slip of the tongue. I say “returned,” but I -didn’t say in what way. That’s a long walk—I mean talk—I should say -story. That slip—slop—slope has got me sloppy—slippy—twisted, I mean. - -Well, while on the slip—slop—slippery slope, I slopped—slipped in love. -I fell in love from slipping on the sloppy slope. I came pretty near -getting a life sentence—married, I mean; it’s the same thing. The girl I -loved was a brunette by birth. You know some are brunettes by accident; -this girl was born that way. I don’t like brunettes. I like the blondes. -This girl from the slope was a slippery—slobbery—slobby—I mean -nobby—girl and was deeply infatuated with me. She would do anybody, -anything for me. She declared she would die for me—and she did. That’s -how she’s a blonde now. - -Her father was a doctor—a “cure-all.” He claimed he could cure anything. -When he found out I loved his daughter he tried to cure my love for her. -He gave me a prescription. His specialty was rejections—injections, I -mean. So he injected a load of buckshot into my frame. He said I needed -something to increase my weight, so he filled me with lead. - -The prescription was a good one, though. If they hadn’t called in -another doctor to pick out the shot, my love would have certainly proved -fatal. They took me to a horse-pistol—I mean a hospital. While I was -filled with lead the boys used to come in and borrow me to go fishing -with. They used me for a stinker—I mean a sinker. One day I asked the -nurse how much longer I was going to be laid up and used for a sinker -and she said I’d be well enough to leave just as soon as the fish quit -biting. They couldn’t find all the shot that the prescription called -for, so I had to leave the hospital “half-shot.” - -Well, I finally did a slide from the slope and came east by way of the -Northern Precipitate—Northern Pacific, I should say. - -We started a game of poker on the train. I lost thirty dollars. When the -train was twenty miles out I was thirty dollars out. I didn’t have a -cent left. The conductor asked me for my fare and just then the train -stopped. One of the passengers called to the conductor and said: “What’s -the matter? Anything broke?” The conductor said; “Yes, one of the -passengers.” Then the conductor asked me if I could fix the “break.” I -couldn’t, so I got off. - -Then the conductor began to kick about having to stop the train, and I -was the receiver for his kicks. They came so fast I couldn’t stop them -all. I do hate to feel—hear a man kick against little things. It wasn’t -fair—or rather it was fare—that is, I didn’t have the fare. But anyhow -it made me sore. I wouldn’t get back on his old train. - -After I had collected my thoughts and the other parts of my anatomy, I -found I was several parts of anatomy shy; so I went up to the conductor -and I asked him if he had any old anatomy of mine hanging to him; that -is, if I had anything coming that I had not got. He raised his foot—his -large, massive right foot. I looked at it. It was too large for me; it -wasn’t my size. I knew as soon as I looked at it it wouldn’t fit me, so -I began to wend my way. I found it was cheaper to wend my way than to -pay my way. - -When I got to the next station I went into a balloon—I mean -salome—so long—saloon; I always did forget that word. Well, -on the wall was one of those strong—wrong long-distance -telephones—nickel-in-the-slit—slop—slap—slot machine. I thought I’d call -up the doctor and tell him what I thought of him. I didn’t think much of -him—only about five cents’ worth. - -So I slipped up to the slot and slipped a nickel in the slot to get a -connection with the slope I had just slipped from. Just then the keeper -of the life-shaving—life-saving station, the bar-slender—sender—tender, -asked me what I wanted; I said I thought I’d take a gee whiz—a ginfizz. -He said I had another thunk coming, so I told him I would take a glass -of Schlitz before I heard from the slope. So I slanted a glass of -Schlitz in the slot in my face and slowly sopped—sipped the Schlitz. -Just then the telephone-bell rang; I went to the rang and rung the ring. - -The doctor says: “Who are you?” I says: “I’m the fellow that took your -prescription.” He says: “Well, what are you calling me up for?” I says: -“I ain’t calling you up; I’m calling you down.” He says: “I think you -sloped from the slope with my child, you slob, and if ever I see you -again I’ll puncture your——” - -Just then the barfender—bender—lender—tender asked me to have another -Schlitz, so I dropped the fender—the sender to sip the Schlitz. Just as -I sized up the Schlitz to seize it the bartender told me to settle for -the last Schlitz. I couldn’t settle, so the bartender settled me. He -gave me a sassy slap in the slats and spilled all the Schlitz that I had -sipped. - -Then I got desperate and commenced dropping nickels in the Schlitz and -Schlitzes in the slots, then I got some more slaps in the slats; the -doctor was trying to call me and I was calling the bartender—something I -can’t repeat here, and—well, I finally got out and after a while, about -thirty days after, I reached home—my old home. My father and mother said -it was the home of my birth. Well, if “my birth” owned that home he -never got any rent for it. The first person I met was a girl. Of course -I met three politicians; but she was the first person. She was a -singular person; she was the first person singular—singular because she -wasn’t married. But that wasn’t so singular, because she was born with -only one good eye. In the other one she got in a crockery store—kind of -a bum pair of lamps. - -Then one day she had the misfortune to be walking on a railroad track -and she met a train—that, is, the train met her. Of course, there was no -regular introduction; they just came together as people and trains will. -Well, the train met her and now she’s got a cork—she’s got a corker. -[Slap leg with hand.] Well, as I say, I met the corker—I mean the -girl—and she told me she was engaged to be led to the slaughter—I mean -sled to the halter—I mean led to the altar; going to be -murdered—married; and she invited me to bring presents—I mean to be -present at the wedding. - -There wasn’t many people knew she had a corker. The fellow that was -going to board her for life didn’t know she had a corker, either. The -day before the wedding the gloom—that is, the groom—you know, the fellow -that was going to marry the corker—I mean the girl—well, he was kind of -a diffident fellow; he asked me to go to the parsley—the parsnips—the -parson with him, and I went with the victim. - -The parson charged him $5.00 to tie the connubial nit—the connubial -knot. The parson said: “My dear sir; I will charge you $5.00 to set you -sailing on the sea of matrimony.” My friend said: “Well, what’ll you -charge for a round-trip ticket?” You see he didn’t know about the -corker, but he was a corker. He says: “I’ll save you $4.00 to tie the -conjugal knit-knot”—not knit but knot. But the parson refused. He said: -“$5.00 or knot—nit.” The parson would not take any less than $5.00 for -the imposition—the operation. He belonged to the “union.” So my friend -that was engaged to the corker paid him the flea—the fee to knit the -knot—I mean tie the knot. Well, the next day we all went to the church -to see the fight—the wedding. - -The young couple stood up in front of the parson and the parson opened a -jackpot—I mean the Bible, looked all around the church and said: “Is -there anybody here to give the bride away?” I jumped up and said: “Yes, -I can, but I won’t!” - -Then the queer—I mean the choir sang queer—that is, the queer choir sang -“Take Me Just as I Am.” And the young fellow did. Of course, he didn’t -know anything about the corker until—— - -Well, an old woman, 78 or 48, who lived in the town died one day. Of -course, that isn’t strange, because old women die every day. But this -particular old lady—but she couldn’t have been particular, either, or -she wouldn’t have died. But anyhow she died, with a will, or against her -will; that is, she had a will or left a will when she died. In the will -she bequeathed to the corker—I mean the girl who married the fellow that -didn’t know she had a corker—she bequeathed to her an old arm-chair. - -Everybody gave the young couple the horse-laugh, but the young fellow -took the old arm-chair home and put it in the house along with the glass -eye and the corker. A few days after that they sat down to the -breakfast-table—the fellow, the glass eye, the arm-chair and the -corker—and while sitting at breakfast, talking over their cocoa, the -husband said something over his cocoa, and then the wife said something -over her cocoa, and they got into an argument over their cocoa, and -finally he picked up the old arm-chair, over his cocoa, and passed it to -his wife, over her cocoa, and broke it all to pieces—not the cocoa, but -the old arm-chair. The old arm-chair was smashed all to pieces and out -rolled fifteen million dollars in gold bull-con—bull-coin—gold bullion. -You see, this wise old lady knew that the husband would break the old -chair over his wife’s cocoa when he found she had a—— - -[Illustration: - - Out rolled fifteen million dollars in gold -] - -Well, the result was a divorce, and naturally the fellow that married -the remnant—the girl—came to me, as I had been present at the -execution—at the wedding—and he naturally looked upon me as a confidence -man—as a confidant—and he asked me my advice. - -You see the corker’s brother, a big fellow that weighed about two -hundred and looked it, had taken offense at the sister’s husband talking -about family secrets and was out looking for trouble. So when the -husband came to me for advice I told him to challenge the brother to a -duel. He said he didn’t know anything about a duel. So I told him to go -get a pair of gloves, go up to the brother and slap him in the face with -the gloves. - -The next day the young fellow got a pair of gloves, went up to the big -brother and slapped him in the face with the gloves. Then he came back -to report to me. I says: “Well, did you get the gloves?” He says: “Yes.” -I says: “What did you do after you got the gloves?” He says: “I did just -what you told me to do. I took the gloves in my hand and went up to the -big guy and slapped him in the face with the gloves.” I says: “Well, -what did he do?” He says: “He knocked me down and took the gloves away -from me.” - -[Illustration] - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - WOULDN’T GOLF DIALECT DO? - - -You’ve heard about the deacon, haven’t you? Deacon Jones? No? Well, -well! I thought you had. The deacon went up to our minister one Sunday -afternoon and told him he was looking for advice. The reverend gentleman -desired to know on what particular subject he required advice. - -“I’ve taken to playing golf,” explained the other, “and I—er—I find it -difficult to restrain—er——” - -“Ah, I see what you mean,” said the minister—“bad language.” - -“Exactly,” replied the pillar of the church. - -“Well, how would it be to put a stone in your pocket every time you -found yourself using a wrong word, just as a reminder, you know?” - -“The very thing!” exclaimed the deacon; “thank you so much!” and -departed. - -A few days later the worthy cleric was passing along the road which led -to the links, when he met an individual whose clothes stuck out all -over, with great, knobby lumps. - -“Gracious me, Mr. Bagshawe!” he cried, as the object approached nearer, -“is that really you?” - -“Yes, it’s me,” grunted the voice of the deacon. - -“Why, you don’t mean—surely all those are not the result of my -suggestion?” continued the horrified parson, gazing at the telltale -bulges. - -“These!” snorted the other contemptuously; “why, these are only the -‘dash its.’ The others are coming along on a wheel-barrow.” - - * * * * * - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - -When I was out West I saw two miners playing cards in a place called -Toughnut Cafe. They finally found their amusement rather a dull one, for -neither could overreach the other. At last one of the precious pair -pushed his chair back, arose, and said: - -“I’m tired of this; let’s have a change—I’ll jest bet yer a even -thousand that I kin take them keerds and cut the jack o’ hearts the very -fust time.” - -“I’ll take yer,” replied the other, a very quiet fellow. - -Stakes were deposited with an onlooker, and a pack of cards was produced -and laid on the table between the gamblers. The layer of the bet -thereupon drew his bowie-knife and neatly sliced the cards in two from -top to bottom. - -“Thar,” said he, “I cut the jack o’ hearts the fust time, mister, an’ I -reckon I’ll freeze on to that thar cash. Fork her over, mister. The -agreement was that I were to cut the jack the fust time, an’ I done it. -I cut it, didn’t I?” - -“Wal, no,” said the other, “I rayther think not, for th’ jack were not -there. Yer see, stranger, I thought it wiser, under the circumstances, -to take the precaution of placing that there card up my sleeve!” - - * * * * * - -Jap Johnson told me that! The greatest man to jump into a town and get -acquainted with folks I ever saw, Jap was. Give Jap a night and a day in -a country place and everybody there would call him by his first name, -and he’d call everybody the same way, even the girls. In forty-eight -hours he’d know every man, woman, child, horse, dog and cat in the town, -and could tell who married who, who got drunk once in a while, and who -had fits or rheumatics. Give him three days in a town and he’d have -every bit of the gossip and old, musty scandals that ever went over the -back fences of that town. He was a wonderful man, Jap was, and he could -sell goods like a house afire. - -The biggest thing he ever did, though, was about four years ago. He had -four hours to spend in a little town out west. In that time he sold two -bales of goods, was invited to dinner by the mayor, decided four bets, -was referee in a dog-fight, proposed marriage and was accepted by the -belle of the place, borrowed ten dollars from her pa, beat another man -two games of billiards, and, it happening to be election day, he capped -the whole by sailing in and having himself elected town clerk by a -majority of eleven votes. - - * * * * * - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - HAPPENINGS IN KEROSENELAMPVILLE - - -Did you see me this morning? My cousin Silas was with me! He’s a good -fellow, Silas is! Deacon of the church in Kerosenelampville! Ever been -there? If you haven’t you’ve missed a lot—of trouble. I took Silas up to -our club one afternoon and when he saw Billy Smith and Chris Lane -playing chess he ventured to interrupt the game. - -“Excuse me,” he said, “but the object of both of you is to git them -wooden things from where they are over to where they ain’t?” - -“That partly expresses it,” replied Chris. - -“An’ you’ve got to be continually on the lookout fer surprises an’ -difficulties?” - -“Constantly.” - -“And if you ain’t mighty careful you’re going to lose some on ’em?” - -“Yes.” - -“An’ then there’s that other game I see some of you dress up odd for, -an’ play with long sticks an’ a little ball.” - -“You mean golf?” - -“That’s what I mean. Is that game amusin’?” - -“It’s interesting, and the exercise is beneficial.” - -“Well, I reckon it’s a mighty good joke.” - -“To what do you refer?” - -“The way I’ve been havin’ fun without knowing anything about it. If you -young gentlemen want to reely enjoy yourselves, you come over to my farm -an’ git me to let you drive pigs. You’ll git all the walkin’ you want, -an’ the way you have to watch for surprises, an’ slip about so’s not to -lose ’em, would tickle you nearly to death.” - - * * * * * - -One day an artist ambulated into Kerosenelampville, and Silas asked him: - -“How much’ll you charge to paint my house with me a-standin’ in the -door?” - -The artist said fifty dollars, and Silas told him to go ahead with the -work. - -In due course the painting was finished. But, alas! the careless artist -clean forgot to paint my cousin on the picture. - -“I like it,” said Silas; “but where’s me, lad—where’s me?” - -The error he had made flashed across the artist, but he tried to pass it -off with a joke. “O,” he said, “you’ve gone inside to get my fifty -dollars.” - -“O, have I?” said Silas; “p’r’aps I’ll be coomin’ out soon, and if I dew -I’ll pay you; in t’ meantime we’ll hang it up and wait.” - -Just as I had entered a barber’s shop to-day and was hanging my -top-piece on a nail, a 290-pounder rushed in and said to the only other -man in the place—a fellow with his coat and vest off and an apron tied -around his waist: - -“I want my hair cut, and no talk.” - -“The——” began the man in the apron. - -“No talk, I tell you!” shouted the heavy man. “Just a plain hair-cut. -I’ve read all the papers and don’t want any news. Start away now.” - -The man in the apron obeyed. - -When he had finished, the man who knew everything rose from his chair -and surveyed himself in the glass. - -“Great Scott!” he exclaimed. “It’s really true, then? You barbers can’t -do your work properly unless you talk.” - -“I don’t know,” said the man in the apron, quietly. “You must ask the -barber. He’ll be in presently. I’m the glazier from next door.” - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - Bits of Verse & Prose - - By Edwards & Ronney - - - LOVE’S WONDERMENT - - I loved a maiden fair as dewy morn; - She was not lean, nor was she stout; - And as we spooned the livelong day - I wondered how ’twould all turn out; - And the sun went up in the azure sky, - And the sun went down as she and me - Sat all the time and wondered why, - And questioned what the end might be. - - I’m married; my wonderment is o’er— - The future now is no longer hid; - For while my darling lays back to snore - I walk the floor with a howling kid; - And my son I raise from his little bed, - For he won’t stay there—not he; - And as my heel goes on a tack - I wonder what the end will be. - -If you are in need of a good smart bank clerk go to Canada—the smartest -ones have gone over there. - - - FOUND IN A COUNTRY GRAVE-YARD - - Mary was healthy, Mary was young; - But Mary lies here, for she had but one lung. - - She talked all her life till she died with lockjaw; - I now rest in peace—she was my mother-in-law. - - The grass is green, the rose is red, - But the man who lies here had no hair on his head. - - A man lies under this monument grand - Who was caught with five aces at once in his hand. - - With seven wives when on earth he was blessed, - But now the poor lobster is taking a rest. - - Lonely and sad and silent and damp, - But nobody cares, for here lies a tramp. - - Johnny lies here all sweet and serene; - Johnny ate apples both sour and green. - - On earth it may rain, hail and snow, - But the climate is different, here below. - - The day-time is light and the night-time is dark; - Did anyone know me—my name was John Clark? - - I never thought skating in winter was nice; - But where I am now I wish they had ice. - - Neither flesh nor blood rest beneath these stones; - Just fifty pounds of skin and bones. - - THE RED, RED ROSE - - The red, red rose is beautiful, - As it grows by the garden-walk, - But do not sit on the red, red rose— - There’s a thorn in its every stalk! - - THINGS WE SHOULD NOT FORGET - -No man can be all right—half of him is left. - -And no matter which shoe you put on first you always put the left one on -last. - -What kind of cow gives the milk of human kindness? - -If all men were created alike, as the constitution of the United States -proclaims, what an awful time married women would have trying to find -their husbands! - -If the man who wrote “The Snow, the Snow, the Beautiful Snow” lived in -Florida, then the man who wrote “There Is No Place Like Home” never had -a wife; ergo, no mother-in-law! - -“There is more pleasure in giving than in receiving.” Certainly, if you -are talking about a licking. Any five-year-old kid knows that. - -Most people keep their spirits up by pouring spirits down. - -The Society for the Prevention of Crime is going to stop the Poultry -Show in Madison Square, New York. They say it is a fowl (foul) show. - -A bald-headed man is surer of salvation than a man with an abundance of -hirsute appendage, there being not a hair between him and Heaven. - -You can use the old saying “Slow but sure” when talking to me, but for -the sake of your own personal comfort, don’t say it to Dan Smith—and -above all don’t say it to Thomas Lipton. - -We are all kings and queens in this country—we all have crowns on our -heads. - -Men’s minds are like onions: some of them are stronger than others, and -what is in them often brings tears to women’s eyes. - - Hop medasin Kompanie: - - Gents—please dont send me enymoar uf yer patent medasin - sirkulars. every tim i reed won uf them i half every diseas yu - menshun. last sumor i hed the mesells an the kattel tuk it an - they broak out uf the pastchur. - - Deer doctur: - - mi wife used tu stutter sum wen she talked. i used siks botels - uv yer wundurfeel Remadie an now she has the locke gaw. pleas - sent tu moar botels fer mi mutherinlaw. - - Yers trooly - Hen Henpeck - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - Rapid Fire - - By HARRY L. NEWTON - - COPYRIGHT MCMIII BY WILL ROSSITER - - -Tom (Comedian): Can you tell me where there’s a fire-insurance office? - -Dick (Straight): Why, are you going to insure your property? - -Tom: Well, not exactly; but my boss says he’s going to fire me, and I -want to see if I can’t get protection from the fire. - -Dick: Well, why don’t you attend to business? Get around bright and -early in the morning. - -Tom: I would, only my watch stopped this morning. - -Dick: What was the matter with it? - -Tom: A bedbug got between the ticks. - -Dick: O, quit your kidding! I want to ask you something serious— - -Tom: I don’t get paid until Saturday. - -Dick: O, I don’t want money. I have a plenty of that. - -Tom: My goodness! How long since? - -Dick: I want you to understand that I am very well off. - -Tom: Yes; you’re away off. (Taps forehead.) - -Dick: That’ll do you! - -Tom: But I knew the time when a bean sandwich looked like a week’s board -to you. - -Dick: Well, you needn’t tell everybody here about it—that’s my -misfortune. - -Tom: I won’t say a word. But if you don’t behave I’ll tell everybody -here that I loaned you a shirt, till you get yours from the laundry— - -Dick: Say, please keep— - -Tom: O, I won’t breathe it, don’t worry; and I won’t say a word about -you wearing my collar and tie, either— - -Dick (angrily): See here— - -Tom: O, shavings! Don’t get angry! - -Dick: Well, then, listen and be serious. I have written a play— - -Tom: Thirty days and costs. - -Dick (sarcastically): I suppose you think you could write one. - -Tom: I did write one; I wrote a melodrama. - -Dick: A melodrama, eh? Was anybody killed? - -Tom: No; the audience yelled for the author, but I wouldn’t come out. - -Dick: Ha! Ha! It’s a good thing that you didn’t. Now in my first act— - -Tom: Say, did you ever hear the story about my coal-bin? - -Dick: No; is it a good one? - -Tom: No; there’s nothing in it. - -Dick: O, behave! In my first act I— - -Tom: Say, a fellow asked me to-day if he would have to take a course in -a barber-school before he could shave ice at a soda-water counter. - -Dick: O, behave! In the first act I have introduced a— - -Tom: A piece of cheese. - -Dick: Yes; a piece of cheese—no; nothing of the sort. The idea! - -Tom: What’s the best way to catch a rat? - -Dick: I suppose there are several ways. What is the best way to catch a -rat? - -Tom: Crawl in a pantry and smell like a piece of cheese. - -Dick: Will you behave? I heard you had been speculating on the board of -trade? - -Tom: Yes; I was a speculator. - -Dick: What were you, a bull or a bear? - -Tom: Neither. They made a monkey out of me. - -Dick: Serves you right! In the first act— - -Tom: Say, are you still in the first act? - -Dick: Certainly. Why don’t you let me go on? - -Tom: O, go on; I don’t care what happens. - -Dick: Well, in the first act, I have written— - -Tom: You have written home for money. - -Dick: Yes, I have written home—no, nothing of the sort. - -Tom: Not guilty? - -Dick: Not guilty; my folks haven’t seen my face in four months. - -Tom: My goodness! Why don’t you wash it? - -Dick: Now, stop it, I tell you! In the first act— - -Tom: Why is a cascaret? - -Dick: Why is a cascaret what? - -Tom: Because it works while you sleep. - -Dick: For goodness sake! is that a joke? - -Tom: I should say so. It’s one of the best I ever traveled with. - -Dick: Then you don’t travel with much, do you? - -Tom: No; I generally travel with you. - -Dick: O, behave, you rascal! - -Tom: Say, do you know what? - -Dick: No; what? - -Tom: What is worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? - -Dick: Why, I can’t imagine anything worse. What is worse? - -Tom: A centipede with the chilblains. - -Dick: I wish you’d behave! I was going by your house yesterday, and I -saw your sister looking out of the window; but I didn’t see any of the -rest of the family— - -Tom: Well, sister is the only one that’s working, and she looks out for -us all. - -Dick: Behave! Behave! Is your sister a blonde? - -Tom: No, but she’s dyeing to be one. (Slaps himself on the wrist.) -Behave! how dare you! - -Dick: Say, are you going to listen to me? - -Tom: Certainly. - -Dick: Well, in the first act the villain comes on and strikes the -heroine— - -Tom: For ten cents to buy an automobile. - -Dick: Yes, for ten cents to buy an auto—no, no, he strikes her— - -Tom: Why, he must belong to the union, then? - -Dick: Certainly, he does—no, he doesn’t either. The idea! - -Tom: If two peaches make a date, and two dates make a pair, what do -apples make? - -Dick: Why, apples make cider, of course. - -Tom: And Pears make soap, is it? - -Dick: Is it! You talk like a cake of yeast. - -Tom: Sure. You see I always rise when I talk. Ha, Ha! - -Dick: What are you laughing at? - -Tom: That joke. I thought of it so quick. It must be quick-rising yeast, -are they? - -Dick: Are they! There you go again. - -Tom: Did you hear about it? - -Dick: Hear about what? - -Tom: My sister eloped yesterday. - -Dick: Is that so? - -Tom: Yes, a horse ran away with her. - -Dick: O, behave! That reminds me. When are you going to get married? - -Tom: Hush! Can you keep a secret? - -Dick: Sure. - -Tom: I’m married. - -Dick: Why, that’s news to me. How long have you been married? - -Tom: Six months. - -Dick: Six months, eh? And I suppose you think your wife is an angel? - -Tom: No, not quite—but I have hopes. - -Dick: O, behave! You know in the first act— - -Tom: You know when I asked my wife’s father to marry his daughter, I -said: “I love your daughter and I can’t live without her.” - -Dick: Very noble of you. And what did the old gentleman say? - -Tom: He says: “Take her, young man; I can’t live with her.” - -Dick: Ha, ha! And you took her? - -Tom: I did. I took her for better or worse, and got the worst of it. - -Dick: Too bad! But who gave the bride away? - -Tom: Her little brother. - -Dick: Her little brother? I never heard of such a thing. The father -usually gives the bride away. - -Tom: The old man never said a word. It was her little angel-faced -brother. He told everybody that she had a cork leg. It was an awful case -of give away. - -Dick: Then I suppose you took a bridal tour? - -Tom: No; I felt more like taking an ax to her. - -Dick: Why, that, wouldn’t be very nice—to take an ax to her. - -Tom: I would, only she began to sing “O, Woodman, Spare that Tree.” - -Dick: O, behave! - -Tom: You know my wife used to be a “summer girl.” - -Dick: And what is a “summer girl?” - -Tom: A “summer girl” is a rack to stretch shirt-waists on; inside is a -compartment for lobster salad, chop suey and ice cream; while outside is -an attachment for diamond rings. - -Dick: A very good definition, my boy. I suppose you hung a diamond ring -on the outside? - -Tom: No; I hung up my watch on the inside of a pawnshop. - -Dick: Well, don’t worry—a man should be satisfied with what he has. - -Tom: O, I’m satisfied with what I have. It’s what I haven’t got that -causes most of my dissatisfaction. - -Dick: You look well. That ought to help some. - -Tom: I just returned from taking a water cure. - -Dick: Did you derive any benefit from the water? - -Tom: I don’t know. You see the water was in a well, and I think the -exercise I got going to the well helped me. - -Dick: Why, was the well a long way off? - -Tom: Yes; you see I was far from well. - -Dick: O, behave! In the first act— - -Tom: Is your play funny? - -Dick: Yes; every hearty laugh adds a day to a person’s life, you know. - -Tom: I don’t believe it. - -Dick: Why not? - -Tom: I laughed yesterday when a guy slipped on a banana peel, and I’ll -bet he kicked ten days off of my life, all right. - -Dick: Well, you only got what was coming to you. Now the first act— - -Tom: Here’s a funny thing. - -Dick: What’s that? - -Tom: Why, night falls but it doesn’t break. - -Dick: Well, what, of it? - -Tom: O, nothing, except that day breaks but it doesn’t fall. - -Dick: O, behave! - -Tom: My landlady forgot this morning and helped me to a second piece of -steak. - -Dick: That was luck. - -Tom: Yes, tough luck. - -Dick: O, behave! I see that Kid McCoy says he’s willing to meet any man -in the world for any amount of money. - -Tom: So am I. - -Dick: So are you? Why, the idea! Ha, ha! That makes me laugh. - -Tom: Laugh away; but I’ll meet any man in the world for any amount of -money, any old time. - -Dick: You will? - -Tom: Yes, I will. J. P. Morgan preferred. - -Dick: Good! You’re all right. Well, in the first act the heroine is -discovered asleep in a snow-bank. - -Tom: Then she must have cold feet. - -Dick: Yes, she has cold—no, she hasn’t got cold feet. - -Tom: O, she has a hot-water bag on her feet? - -Dick: Yes, she has, of course—no, she hasn’t either. The heroine is -discovered asleep in a snow-bank and the villain comes on and— - -Tom: And she wakes up and gives him the “frozen face.” - -Dick: Yes, now you’ve got it—O, behave! - -Tom: Say, my old maid sister found a man under her bed last night. - -Dick: Is that so? What did she do, send for a policeman? - -Tom: No; she sent for a minister. - -Dick: O, behave! - -Tom: I ain’t going to church any more. - -Dick: Not going to church? Why, what’s the reason? - -Tom: I’m sore at the minister. - -Dick: What about? - -Tom: When my brother died the minister said he had gone to join the -great majority. - -Dick: Well, what’s wrong with that? That’s simply an expression: “Gone -to join the great majority.” - -Tom: Yes, but two weeks ago he said that more people went down below -than there were up above. Wouldn’t that jingle your small change? - -Dick: I understand your brother was a hard drinker? - -Tom: Yes; his habits were a little moist. - -Dick: Moist? - -Tom: Yes, he kept pretty well soaked. - -Dick: The idea! In the first— - -Tom: Gee! but my father was late in getting home last night. - -Dick: What made him late? - -Tom: The trolley-car kept stopping every two minutes. - -Dick: Every two minutes? - -Tom: Yes, it would stop every two minutes and then wait one minute -before starting again. - -Dick: Wasn’t your father angry at the waits? - -Tom: No, they were only short waits and he’s used to short weights—he’s -in the coal business. - -Dick: O, behave! - -Tom: If you ever do what you did last night I’ll never speak to you -again. - -Dick: What did I do? - -Tom: I met you last night just as I was coming in the hotel. - -Dick: Yes; what of it? - -Tom: You were going out of the hotel when I was coming in, and you -insulted me. - -Dick: Insulted you? How did I insult you? - -Tom: You were singing a song. - -Dick: Well, what of it? There’s no harm in that. What song was I -singing? - -Tom: “All Going Out; Nothin’ comin’ in.” - -Dick: O, behave! - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - “A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME” - - -Bishop Conaty, rector of the Catholic University at Washington, while on -a visit to Brooklyn recently, told of a priest’s experience in a small -New England town. The clergyman was just about to retire for the night -when he heard a knock at his door. He called “Come in,” and a negro -presented himself and said, rather shamefacedly: - -“Father, there is a girl outside. May I bring her in?” - -Assent having been given, he disappeared for a moment, and returned with -a white woman and informed the scandalized priest that they wished to be -married. - -He was shown the door with promptness, and the girl was severely -admonished on the course she was pursuing. - -Fifteen minutes later there came another knock, and on opening the door -the priest found himself again face to face with the would-be colored -bridegroom. - -With great indignation the priest said: - -“I thought I sent you about your business before!” - -The darkey paralyzed him with this reply: - -“Yes, I know you did, Father James; but Mary and I have talked it over, -and we thought maybe you would look at the matter differently if you -knew I was willing to turn Irish.” - - * * * * * - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - AN ORIGINAL HABEAS CORPUS CASE - - -Some years ago a well-known promoter started to boom a new town in -Montana. He adopted the usual methods, built electric railroads, -established an electric-light plant, put up business blocks, and erected -himself a fine house. - -Among the other business enterprises he established a bank, of which he -made himself president, and, in order to inspire confidence in this, as -well as in his other ventures, he persuaded some well-known Montana men -to become directors, among others the then United States Senator T. C. -Power. - -Things went along swimmingly until the panic of 1893, and then the -bubble burst, and the bank suffered in consequence. At a directors’ -meeting, at which the president was conspicuous by his absence, it was -decided that rather than have the bank fail, each stockholder would “dig -up” and save it. After the meeting the members of the board went around -to Mr. Promoter’s house to acquaint him with their decision. They found -him smoking in his luxurious library, and he listened attentively until -the spokesman had finished his explanation, and then he said: - -“This is a very good idea, gentlemen, very, and I only regret I cannot -join you.” - -“Why not?” inquired almost every man at once. - -“Because I have absolutely nothing to give.” - -“What’s the matter with your business blocks?” asked one. - -“They belong to my wife,” suavely replied Mr. Promoter. - -“How about your electric railroad?” inquired another. - -“That, too, belongs to my wife.” - -“Well, to whom does this house belong?” - -“I gave it to my wife as soon as it was built. I am very sorry, but you -see I have absolutely nothing but my body that I can call my own. I -would gladly give that to be divided up if it would do any good.” - -“Well, gentlemen,” and Senator Power spoke for the first time, “if you -decide to accept Mr. Promoter’s last proposition and take his body, I -speak for his gall.” - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - LI HUNG CHANG’S JOKE - - -A salutation of respect in China is to comment on the mature and even -venerable appearance of one’s guest. When the Minister to Siam called -officially on Li Hung Chang he was accompanied by a prominent -missionary, a man eighty years of age, with white hair and beard, who -was to serve as interpreter. Unknown to Mr. Barrett, the missionary and -the Chinaman had had a falling out some years before. Li came into the -reception-room, saluted Mr. Barrett cordially, and bowed stiffly to the -patriarchal interpreter. To the youthful minister the premier said: - -“I congratulate you, sir, on your venerable mien.” And then, nodding -toward the octogenarian, he asked: “And is this your son?” - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - Fifteen Minutes - with a Playwright - - By HARRY L. NEWTON - - [COPYRIGHT MCMIII BY WILL ROSSITER] - - -I have written the scenario of a play, which I think will prove an -innovation in the drama. It is entitled plain “MICKEY THE MOUSE: or, THE -POROUS PLASTER.” The porous plaster does not appear in the play at all—I -merely tack it on the title to make the play draw well. - - ACT I - -Scene 1: Curtain rises to terrific snow-storm. Thermometer 906 degrees -below faro—zero. Heroine, as poor flower-girl, enters in an automobile; -bunch of violets in each hand, bunch of roses in another, while with the -other she holds herself—erect. She wears a beautiful sealskin coat, and -a sad smile, for her parents have only five million dollars apiece and -no coal, and she has to help support the family by selling violets and -daffodils at so much per daffi. - -“Fresh violets! Fresh roasted violets!” she cries. Enter chorus and sing -song in answer to The Maiden’s Prayer. - -Exit chorus, enter villain, an icy smile on his face. Can you blame it? - -“I have come to ask you for your hand.” - -“I have only two. I have none to spare—I need them both!” the maiden -cries. - -“O, car-r-ses! car-r-ses! and once again car-r-ses! Can nothing thaw -you?” the villain thus speaks. - -“You are a bum actor. I cannot give you a hand. I can only give you the -frozen face.” - -“Filed—foiled! in act first, but watch my smoke in act two.” Curtain, -VERY quick curtain. - - ACT II - -Scene 2: Same as in Act I, only more so. - -The snow is still snowing. Nothing is heard but the howling of the -audience—howling of the wind. Enter the villain and Mickey the Mouse. -Villain bribes The Mouse to kidnap the heroine, tie her to the cold, -cold snow, go down to the river, bring it back, and make the heroine -take a cold plunge—to death. - -Mickey the Mouse accepts. Enter Chasem Cheese, the brave detective. He -has been on the trail of the mouse so long that he has grown stale. - -The Mouse smells Mr. Cheese. Exit The Mouse. Cheese follows closely, -still strong on the scent. - -Heroine enters. - -“Hot roses! Red-hot roses! Please buy my roses!” - -Enter The Mouse. Womanlike, she screams at sight of The Mouse. He seizes -her and is just about to splash her into the river, which the -property-man has just pushed on. She begs him not to throw her into the -cold, cold water, but to wait until it’s warmer. “You had a mother -once,” she cries. - -He did happen to have a mother once, and he relents; he waits until the -ice thaws, then he throws her in. - -She is about to swallow the river, when the hero comes on and does a -song and dance. One more swallow and the river would vanish forever, but -the hero does not wait. He plunges in and gets his feet wet—all for the -love of her. - -“Shaved—saved!” she cries; “you have saved my golden hair from being -lost forever!” - -O, joy! exceeding joy! Exit sorrow until act third. - - ACT III - -Scene 1: Home of the poor flower-girl, on Fifth Avenue, New York. - -Heroine discovered in boudoir of her wretched million-dollar residence. -Enter French maid with card. - -“’Tis he!” the heroine screams—“my brave hair-restorer!” - -She glides down the marble staircase; she would have done a two-step, -but the glide is more fashionable. - -There is no handle on the front door, so she opens it with a glad smile. - -The hero walks in upon her invitation; she seats herself upon his -entering, and, with a scream, faints upon his departure. - -Again quick curtain. - - ACT IV - -Scene 1: Same as Act III. - -Heroine discovered in a pensive mood and an expensive gown. - -Enter villain without knocking. He is no “knocker,” though he be a -villain. - -“I have come for me answer!” - -“Will you have it wrapped up?” she answers, a la Siegel-Cooper, and, -seizing a glass of wine, she dashes it in the villain’s face. - -“Car-r-se the luck!” he yells. “The drinks are on me.” - -Slow curtain to give the villain time to put on dry clothes for Act V. - - * * * * * - -Now, instead of an elapse of nine years between acts four and five, I -have written the play in nine acts. That ought to prove an innovation. - -Between acts seven and eight another innovation: coffee and rolls will -be served. The ushers will pass hot coffee and the curtain will come -down with a roll. - -Between acts eight and nine morning papers will be distributed, and the -milkmen will be admitted free. - -Now comes Act V. - - * * * * * - - ACT V - -Scene: Home of The Mouse. - -He is discovered trying to get into the ice-box for something to eat. - -Enter Chasem Cheese, the brave detective. - -The Mouse is surprised at the entrance of Cheese. - -Desperate struggle. - -The Mouse seizes a keg of gunpowder, hurls it at Cheese and blows him -into a thousand pieces. - -But Cheese will not give up. - -Startling and thrilling climax: - -A piece of Cheese chases The Mouse off the stage to quick music. - - * * * * * - -That’s as far as I can get. That finish to Act V is so strong I don’t -know what to do for the other four acts. - -A piece of cheese chasing a mouse has got anything beat that I ever -heard of in a drama. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - WHAT SONGS ARE POPULAR IN— - - -Philadelphia: “Please Go ’Way and Let Me Sleep.” - -Kentucky: “Trouble.” - -Kansas: “I Guess I’ll Have to Go, ’Cause I Think It’s Going to Rain.” - -Chicago: “Blue, Blew, Blew.” - -Milwaukee: “Down Where the Wurzburger Flows.” - -New Orleans: “Creole Belles.” - -Coney Island: “My Water Lou.” - -Sing Sing: “A Bird in a Gilded Cage.” - - APPROPRIATE SONGS FOR— - -Earl of Yarmouth to Alice Thaw (before marriage): “Can’t Live on Love.” -(After marriage): “Home Ain’t Nothin’ Like This.” - -Grover Cleveland: “If Time Was Money I’d Be a Millionaire.” - -J. P. Morgan: “Hello, Central, Give Me Heaven.” - -Andrew Carnegie: “My Money Never Gives Out.” - -Wm. J. Bryan: “If I But Knew.” - -Jeffries to Corbett: “Just Kiss Yourself Good-By.” - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - -[Illustration] - - It astounds! and then some! - - HAIR RAISING! - - STARTLING! AMAZING! - - Sophie Lyons - - QUEEN OF THE BURGLARS. - - _BY SOPHIE LYONS_ - - The Uncrowned Queen of Crime - -In this epoch making book in which truth makes the wildest imaginings of -the wizards of fiction dull and commonplace, Sophie Lyons, known to the -police of two continents as the shrewdest, cleverest, brainiest, and -most daring and resourceful criminal of the age, tears aside the veil -and reveals the most desperate characters of the underworld, the -millionaire aristocrats of crime, as they plot, plan and later execute -their dark and incredible deeds. With breathless interest we watch these -masked midnight marauders as the mighty steel vaults of the greatest -financial institutions swing wide at their bidding, yielding their -boundless treasures to the crafty cracksman and scientific burglar, the -magic manipulators of gun, dynamite and jimmy. - - Through the Whole Gamut of Crime, - Stupendous and Blood Curdling. - -We are personally conducted by the Queen of Criminals. Read how -Gainsborough’s matchless Duchess of Devonshire was stolen, and how the -most desperate exploits in the annals of crime were successfully -executed. Your heart will almost cease to beat as the authoress tells -you of her miraculous escape from Sing Sing. Read how a million dollars -was dishonestly made, and learn in spite of enormous ill gotten gains - - WHY CRIME DOES NOT PAY. - TENSE! THRILLING!! BLOOD CURDLING!!! - FICTION OUTDONE! ROMANCE ROUTED! - -The most fascinating and astounding narrative of the underworld ever -placed before the public. - -The work contains 268 pages of reading matter besides being fully -illustrated and bound in handsome paper cover printed in colors. - - Price 25 cents, for sale everywhere. - - J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY, - 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - NEWS AGENTS AND BOOKSELLERS - -will do well NOT TO READ our latest Joke Book just issued, unless they -wear a belt instead of suspenders, as their sides are apt to split with -laughter. - - IT IS BY - RAYMOND AND CAVERLY - AND IS ENTITLED - - The Wizards of Joy - -[Illustration] - - These professional fun-doctors and dynamiters of sorrow have - written a roundelay of merry patter, that is a sure - cure for any kind of melancholy. - - Witty German Dialogue! Clean! Amusing! Entertaining! - - Funny Sayings, Jokes and Parodies. - - GUARANTEED UNDER THE PURE FUN LAWS. - - The most up-to-date German dialect conversation, cross-fire - jokes, gags, conundrums, songs, parodies, - and wit, on the market. - -Raymond and Caverly are known from coast to coast as the most popular -vaudeville team of German comedians. Mr. Wm. R. Hearst recognized their -talent by running their humorous articles in his chain of papers, -including “The New York American,” “Boston American,” “Chicago -Examiner,” “San Francisco Examiner,” and “Atlanta Constitution.” -Thousands will embrace the opportunity to secure this good material in -book form. =THE BOOK WILL BE A BIG SELLER.= - -It contains 178 pages, printed from new, large type on antique wove book -paper, illustrated, with attractive cover in colors. It is for sale by -all booksellers and newsdealers, or will be sent by mail, postpaid, on -receipt of =PRICE, 25 CENTS=. - - J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING CO., 57 ROSE ST., NEW YORK. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - -[Illustration] - - THE HOUSEWIFE’S TREASURE! - THE HOME-KEEPER’S DELIGHT! - - PEERLESS! UNEQUALLED! - - THE - EVERYDAY COOK BOOK - -saves money, saves labor. Makes cooking pleasurable, easy and -delightful. Without previous experience or instruction, by the aid of -this magic volume, the busy housewife can quickly learn to make hundreds -of savory, appetizing, nourishing dishes, plain or fancy, dainty or -substantial. - - Easy! Practical! Economical! Concise! - - THE EVERYDAY COOK BOOK - -is the Aladdin’s lamp that converts the kitchen into fairy land, and the -stove, oven and range into magic producers of appetizing and delicious -edibles. - - TWO THOUSAND FAVORITE RECIPES - -for cooking every known variety of food. Dishes that tickle the palate, -satisfy the appetite, aid digestion, promote health and prolong life. -The magic portal to a world of toothsome delights. - - IT TELLS YOU HOW! IT SHOWS YOU HOW! - Makes Poor Cooks Good Cooks! - Converts Drudgery Into Pleasure, Toil Into Delight! - It Tells You What to Eat! When to Eat! How to Eat! - What to Buy! When to Buy! How to Buy! - -Every recipe has been thoroughly tried and tested, and pronounced by -numerous housewives to be _par excellence_, not only as to pleasant -results, but also in regard to the _small cost_ involved. Also contains -scores of immensely valuable household hints and information on every -subject of interest to the cook, housewife and home-keeper. - - A Cook Book and Home Encyclopedia All In One! - Invaluable for the Kitchen! Unequalled for the Home! - You Want It! You Cannot do Without It! Buy It Now! - -The book contains 200 pages, size 7 × 5 inches, is bound in heavy paper -cover, and will be sent by mail, postpaid, upon receipt of only 25 cents -in stamps or silver. - - J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY, - P. O. BOX 767 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - OGILVIE’S JOKE BOOK SERIES. - -[Illustration] - -All of these books contain more laughs to the square inch than any other -books in the market. They are all bound in illustrated covers, profusely -illustrated throughout, and will be sent to any address upon receipt, in -stamps or money, of 25 cents per copy. - - Fun On Draught. - Some Funny Things Said by Clever People. - Five Hundred Merry Laughs. - The Funny World. One hundred illustrations. - Three Hundred Funny Stories. - Twenty Good Stories. - Tho Comic Cook Book. - Ton of Fun. - Jack Robinson’s Yarns. - Funny Experiences of Mr. and Mrs. Bowser. - Two Thousand Prize Jokes. - A Bad Boy’s Diary. Part 1. - A Bad Boy’s Diary. Part 2. - Blunders of a Bashful Man. - Trials and Troubles of the Bowser Family. - Ten Funny Stories. By Opie Read. - The Travels of a Tramp. - Widder Doodle’s Courtship. By Josiah Allen’s Wife. - Our Drummer’s Trip Through the Sunny South. - Six Tank Tales. By Clarence Louis Cullen. - New Irish Yarns. By Mickey Finn. - The Sinker Stories. By J. Joseph Goodwin. - New German Yarns. By J. Joseph Goodwin. - Tales I’ve Heard Told. By Lewis A. Leonard. - Race-Track Stories. - Base-Ball Stories. - Life in New York; or, Tales of the Bowery. By Mickey Finn. - The Funny Fellows Grab-Bag. - The King of Unadilla. - Miss Slimmens’ Window. - Miss Slimmens’ Boarding House. - Corse Payton’s Joke Book. - Hi Holler’s Joke Book. - How About It? Joke Book. - A Bad Boy’s Adventures. No. 1. - A Bad Boy’s Adventures. No. 2. - On a Fast Train Through Georgia. - Slang Fables From Afar. - A Feast of Fun. - Opie Read In Arkansas. - The Smiles I’ve Caused. Part 1. - The Smiles I’ve Caused. Part 2. - The Smiles I’ve Caused. Part 3. - Twelve Kentucky Colonel Stories. - Here’s to Ye; or, Toasts for Everybody. - Weber and Fields’ Funny Sayings. - Weber and Fields’ Stage Whispers. - Old Isaacs’ Joke Book. - A Drummer’s Diary. - Stage Jokes. No. 1. - Stage Jokes. No. 2. - New Jokes by Old Jokers. No. 3. - New Jokes by Old Jokers. No. 4. - Drummers’ Samples. - Southwick’s Monologues. - Southwick’s Jokes Without Whiskers. - Talkalogues. - Hot Stuff Jokelets. - A Thoroughbred Tramp. - Actor’s Monologues and Jokes. - On the Hog Train Through Kansas. - Side-Tracked. - Easy Money. - Lew Hawkins In Black and White. - Barber-Shop Joke Book. - Hiram Birdseed at the Fair. - On An Army Mule Through Virginia. - Ogilvie’s Slow Train. - The Sunny Side of Life. By A Merry Widow. - The Scottish Joker at Home and Abroad. By Harry Lauder. - Going Some. - “The Man of the Hour” Joke Book. - When the World Laughs. - Picture Joke Book. - -Mailed, postpaid, for 25 cents per copy. Address all orders to - - J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY, - P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - -[Illustration] - - THE - FUNNIEST - BOOK - -issued in years is the one giving the account of the humorous adventures -of our old acquaintance - - HIRAM BIRDSEED, - AT THE FAIR. - -There is no “frost” about this book. It’s about the only thing at the -Jamestown Exposition that made a real hit, and YOU ought to read it. -Pronounced by critics to be the best thing since “David Harum.” - -The book contains 245 pages of solid reading matter, 8 full-page -illustrations of the Exposition, and 25 full-page illustrations of -Hiram’s funny experiences. It is bound in paper covers handsomely -printed in colors and will be sent by mail, postpaid, to any address -upon receipt of only 25 cents in stamps or silver. - -_If you enjoy a good laugh, don’t fail to send for this book._ - -Address all orders to - - J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY, - P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - Are You Interested in Things Theatrical? - - If so, don’t fail to read the new book just issued entitled - - STAGE SECRETS - - AND TRICKS OF THE TRADE. - - BEING THE CONFESSIONS OF AN ACTOR. - - By FRANK LEE. - -This book is all that its title implies as far as the life of those on -the stage is concerned, and especially as regards the snares and -pitfalls to be avoided in making contracts disadvantageous to an actor. - -We give herewith some of the subjects written about: - - The Vaudeville Manager’s Easy Graft. - The Actor Must Take All the Chances. - How Managers Rob One Another. - The Actor’s Fitful Game. - =Tricks of Managers and Agents.= - What the Actor Does With His Money. - Looking For Work. - The False Alarms. - Furnished Rooms. - =Actor’s Salaries.= - Playing Parts. - Stage Hands. - About Burlesque. - About Moving Pictures. - The Theatrical Clubs. - What Makes a Successful Sketch. - =How to Get Ideas.= - =What the Actor is Up Against.= - How to Get On the Stage. - How to Write Songs. - The One-Night Stands. - The Hotels. - Getting “Canned.” - The Dressing Rooms. - =How to Get a Big Salary.= - =Photo Play Writing.= - Graft. - Vaudeville’s Seamy Side. - -The author of this book has been through the mill, and knows whereof he -writes. Don’t think you know it all, and that this book cannot tell you -anything you don’t already know. One little point may be the means of -securing for you =Ten Dollars a Week= more salary than you would -otherwise receive, and if so, the cost of the book is money well -invested. You need the book and should have it. - -It contains 120 pages, bound in paper covers, and will be sent by mail, -postpaid, to any address on receipt of price, =50 Cents=. Send for it -to-day, this minute, and you will never regret doing so. Address all -orders to - - J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY, - P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - WELL! WELL!! WELL!!! - -[Illustration] - - Talk about your mystery and - detective stories— - - THE MYSTERY - OF THE - RAVENSPURS - - By FRED. M. WHITE, - - is certainly a hummer. - -Mr. White stands in the forefront of the mystery and detective story -writers of the English speaking world to-day, and this is one of his -best and latest books. - -Do you like surprises that make your eyes open wide? Sustained -excitement and strange scenes that compel you to read on page after page -with unflagging interest? Something that lifts you out of your world of -care and business, and transports you to another land, clime, and -scenes? Then don’t fail to read - - The Mystery of the Ravenspurs. - -It is a romantic tale of adventure, mystery and amateur detective work, -with scenes laid in England, India, and the distant and comparatively -unknown Thibet. A band of mystics from the latter country are the prime -movers in the various conspiracies, and their new, unique, weird, -strange methods form one of the features of the story. - -Read of the clever detective work by blind Ralph, which borders upon the -supernatural; of walking the black Valley of Death in Thibet, with its -attendant horrors; of the Princess Zara, and her power, intrigue and -treachery laid bare; of the poisonous bees and the deadly perfume -flowers. Unflagging interest holds your spell-bound attention from cover -to cover. - - NEW! UP-TO-DATE! ENTERTAINING! - -The book contains 320 pages, bound in paper cover, with handsome -illustration in colors. Formerly published in cloth at $1.25, now issued -in paper covers at =25 CENTS=. - -For sale by booksellers everywhere, or sent by mail, postpaid, upon -receipt of price. Address - - J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY, - P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - FRENCH DETECTIVE STORIES, - By EMILE GABORIAU. - -We call your attention to the following books constituting the best -works of the most widely known and popular writer of French Detective -Fiction—EMILE GABORIAU. - -[Illustration] - - MONSIEUR LECOQ. - THE HONOR OF THE NAME. - THE WIDOW LEROUGE. - THE CLIQUE OF GOLD. - CAPTAIN CONTANCEAU. - THE THIRTEENTH HUSSARS. - THE MYSTERY OF ORCIVAL. - - _Marvelously Mysterious Stories, - Wonderfully Woven, Entertainingly Written,_ - -holding the reader spell-bound with interest. The stories are -delightfully treated, and from the beginning of the plot through each -succeeding discovery of the wonderful French detective, one’s interest -is increased and expectancy raised until the end of the book is reached. - -To bring these clever and entertaining stories within the reach of all, -we have just issued the above books in paper covers. They contain about -200 pages each, are printed in good, clear type on novel paper, with -cover illustration in colors. For sale by booksellers and newsdealers -everywhere, or sent by mail, postpaid, upon receipt of price, 25 cents -per copy, or any 5 for $1. - - J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY, - P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - HERE’S ANOTHER ONE! - -If you have read any of the detective stories which we have recommended -to you, such as THE WORLD’S FINGER, MACON MOORE, Etc., you know that our -statements in regard to their being “the real thing” were not overdrawn. -We now have another one just as good, which we unhesitatingly recommend. -It is entitled - -[Illustration] - - THE HOUSE - BY THE RIVER. - - BY - - FLORENCE WARDEN. - - WHAT THE REVIEWERS SAY OF IT. - - “Florence Warden is the Anna Katharine Greene of England. She - apparently has the same marvelous capacity as Mrs. Rohlfs for - concocting the most complicated plots and most mystifying - mysteries, and serving them up hot to her readers.”—_N. Y. - Globe._ - - “The author has a knack of intricate plot-work which will keep - an intelligent reader at _her_ books, when he would become tired - over far better novels not so strongly peppered. For even the - ‘wisest men’ now and then relish not only a little nonsense, but - as well do they enjoy a thrilling story of mystery. And this is - one—a dark, deep, awesome, compelling if not convincing - tale.”—_Sacramento Bee._ - - “The interest of the story is deep and intense, and many guesses - might be made of the outcome, as one reads along, without - hitting on the right one.”—_Salt Lake Tribune._ - -This book contains 310 pages, printed in large clear type, and is bound -in handsome paper cover. It is for sale by booksellers and newsdealers -everywhere, or it will be sent by mail, postpaid, upon receipt of price, -25 cents. Address all orders to - - J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY, - P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - MACON MOORE, - ... THE ... - SOUTHERN DETECTIVE. - -[Illustration] - -Here is another rattling good book that we unhesitatingly recommend to -every one who enjoys a thrilling detective story. Each chapter contains -a startling episode in the attempt of MACON MOORE to run to earth a gang -of moonshiners in Southern Georgia, whose business was that of -manufacturing illicit whisky. - -His capture by the “Night Riders,” and his daring escape from them at -their meeting in the Valley of Death, forms one of the many exciting -incidents of the story. - -One of our readers writes to us as follows: - - “I was absolutely unable to stop reading “Macon Moore” until I - had finished it. I expected to read for an hour or so, but the - situations were so dramatic and exciting at the end of each - chapter, that before I knew it I had started the next one. I - have read it three times, once while practicing exercises on the - piano, and shall read it again. It is a corker.” - -The book contains 250 pages, is bound in paper covers, and will be sent -to any address by mail, postpaid, upon receipt of 25 cents. Address all -orders to - - J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY, - P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - -[Illustration] - - LAUGH! YELL! SCREAM! - Read It! Read It! Read It! - - A Bad - Boy’s Diary - - By “LITTLE GEORGIE,” - - The Laughing Cyclone. - - THE FUNNIEST BOOK EVER WRITTEN! - -In this matchless volume of irresistible, rib-tickling fun, the Bad Boy, -an incarnate but lovable imp of mischief, records his daily exploits, -experiences, pranks and adventures, through all of which you follow him -with an absorbing interest that never flags, stopping only when -convulsions of laughter and aching sides force the mirth-swept body to -take an involuntary respite from a feast of fun, stupendous and -overwhelming. - -In the pages of this excruciatingly funny narrative can be found the -elixir of youth for all man and womankind. The magic of its pages compel -the old to become young, the careworn gay, and carking trouble hides its -gloomy head and flies away on the blithesome wings of uncontrollable -laughter. - - IT MAKES YOU A BOY AGAIN! - IT MAKES LIFE WORTH WHILE! - -For old or young it is a tonic and sure cure for the blues. The =BAD -BOY’S DIARY= is making the whole world scream with laughter. Get in line -and laugh too. =BUY IT TO-DAY!= It contains 276 solid pages of reading -matter, illustrated, is bound in lithographed paper covers, and will be -sent by mail, postpaid, to any address on receipt of price, 25 cents. -Address all orders to - - J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY, - P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - -DO YOU ENJOY - -[Illustration] - -reading a book that has just enough dash and piquancy about it to cause -a smile to wreathe your face? A book that tells in an extremely humorous -way of the doings of some smart theatrical folk? Life is many sided, and -our book, - - THE LETTERS OF - MILDRED’S MOTHER TO MILDRED. - BY E. D. PRICE, - -shows one of the sides with which you may not be familiar. - -Mildred is a girl in the chorus at one of New York’s famous theatres, -and her mother is a woman who “travels” with a friend by the name of -Blanche. The book is written by E. D. Price, “The Man Behind the -Scenes,” one well qualified to touch upon the stage-side of life. - -The following is the Table of Contents: - - Mother at the Races. - Mother at a Chicago Hotel. - Mother Goes Yachting. - Mother Escapes Matrimony. - Mother Meets Nature’s Noblemen. - Mother Joins the Repertoire Company. - Mother in the One Night Stands. - Mother and the Theatrical Angel. - Mother Returns to Mildred. - -Read what Blakely Hall says of it: - - “I don’t know whether you are aware of it or not, but you are - turning out wonderful, accurate and convincing character studies - in the Mildred’s Mother articles. They are as refreshing and - invigorating as showers on the hottest July day.” - -The book contains 160 pages, with attractive cover in colors. Price, -cloth bound, $1.00; paper cover, 50 cents. For sale by all booksellers -everywhere, or sent by mail, postpaid, upon receipt of price. Address - - J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY, - P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - The Confessions - Of a Princess - -[Illustration] - -A book of this sort would necessarily be anonymous, and the name of the -author is not essential as indicative of literary ability, the strength -of the story depending upon its action as revealed through the laying -bare of the innermost secrets of a “Princess of the Realm” whose -disposition and character were such as to compel her to find elsewhere -than in her own home the love, tenderness, admiration, and society which -was lacking there, and which her being craved. Position, money and -power, seem to those who do not possess them, to bring happiness. Such -is not the case, however, where stability of character is lacking and -where one depends upon the pleasures of sense for the enjoyment of life -rather than on the accomplishment of things worth while, based on high -ideals. - -The writer has taken a page from her life and has given it to the world. -She has laid bare the soul of a woman, that some other woman (or some -man) might profit thereby. The names have been changed, and such events -omitted as might lead too readily to the discovery of their identity. -Each the victim of circumstance, yet the _price_ is demanded of the one -who fell the victim of environment. - -_The Confessions of a Princess_ is the story of a woman who saw, -conquered and fell. - -The book contains 270 pages, printed from new, large type on good paper, -bound in paper cover with attractive design in colors. For sale by -newsdealers everywhere, or sent by mail, postpaid, upon receipt of 25 -cents. Bound in cloth, price, 75 cents. - - J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY, - P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - 500 Toasts - -[Illustration] - -We do not hesitate to say this is the best and largest collection of -original and popular toasts published. Hundreds never in print before -and all the classics by world-renowned authors: - - Longfellow - Wordsworth - Mrs. Wilcox - Burns - Tom Moore - Thos. Hood - Ben Johnson - Scott - Thackeray - Goldsmith - Byron - Shakspere - -This is a book for all classes. There’s no telling when you may be -called upon to propose a toast. To be unprepared means embarrassment. -Send for this book and memorize a few. By mail, 15c; cloth-bound, 30c. -Mention “500 Toasts.” - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - A Thousand - Conundrums - -[Illustration] - -This is a companion book to our “500 Toasts.” It is pocket size and -contains enough conundrums, riddles, etc., to last you for years. Here -are one or two taken at random: - - Q. If a bear went into a drygoods store, what would he want? - - A. Muzzlin’. - - Q. Why is a new-born baby like a storm? - - A. Because it begins with a squall. - - Q. What is a good definition of nonsense? - - A. Bolting a door with a boiled carrot. - -Well, boys, there are 997 more of these conundrums, and if you want to -have a bunch of fun with your own girl, or some other fellow’s girl, you -should send for this book at once. By prepaid mail for 15 cents. - - Any of the above books will be sent by mail, postpaid, on - receipt of price by J. S. Ogilvie Publishing Company, 57 Rose - Street, New York. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - OLD WITCHES’ DREAM BOOK - AND - COMPLETE FORTUNE TELLER. - -You dream like everyone else does, but can you interpret them—do you -understand what your dream portends? If you wish to know what it means, -you should buy this book, which contains the full and correct -interpretation of all dreams and their lucky numbers. This book is also -the most complete fortune teller on the market. - -We give herewith a partial list of the contents. - - Dreams and Their Interpretations. - - Palmistry, or Telling Fortunes by the Lines of the Hand. - - Fortune Telling by the Grounds in a Tea or Coffee Cup. - - How to Read Your Fortune by the White of an Egg. - - How to Determine the Lucky and Unlucky Days of any Month in the - Year. - - How to Ascertain Whether You will Marry Soon. - - Fortune Telling by Cards, Including the Italian Method. - -The book contains 128 pages, set in new, large, clear type, and will be -sent by mail, postpaid, to any address upon receipt of 25 cents in U. S. -stamps or postal money order. Address all orders to - - J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY, - P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - -[Illustration] - - The Model Letter Writer. - -A comprehensive and complete guide and assistant for those who wish to -become perfect correspondents. This book contains Sample Letters of -Compliment, Inquiry, and Congratulation; Letters of Recommendation, -Letters of Business, Advice and Excuse, and gives Rules for Punctuation, -Postscripts, and Styles of Addressing, etc. - -=It also contains love letters, giving the correspondence between a -young man and a young lady, on love, courtship and marriage, and should -prove indispensable to all young people.= - -You cannot afford to be without this book, as you do not know at what -time you may have to write a particularly important letter. If you have -a book of this kind on hand to consult, it may be the means of bringing -to a successful end matters of great moment, and upon which may depend -your entire future happiness, well-being, and success in life. - -The book contains 128 pages, is bound in paper covers with handsome -illustration in two colors, and will be sent by mail, postpaid, to any -address upon receipt of 25 cents in U. S. stamps or postal money order. -Address all orders to - - J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY, - P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - -[Illustration] - - OUR - ENDEAVOR - -in selling books to you, is to have you feel that you are getting _your -money’s worth_. We therefore desire to call your special attention to -the following - - Four Books In - ONE, - - You are Courting, - which If You want to Court, or - You want to be Courted, - -you should obtain at the earliest possible moment. - -_HOW TO WOO; WHEN AND WHOM_, which gives full and interesting rules - for the etiquette of courtship, the time and place for - conducting the same, and some good advice as to the selection of - your partner for life. - -_COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE_, which tells how to win the favor of the - ladies, how to begin and end a courtship, and how to “Pop the - Question;” and also gives full information in regard to the - invitations, gifts, ushers, bridesmaids, conduct of the wedding - ceremony, etc., etc. - -_THE LOVERS’ COMPANION_, which gives the flirtations of the - handkerchief, parasol, glove, fan and napkin; also, the language - of flowers; how to kiss deliciously; and a cure for bashfulness. - -_THE POPULAR LETTER WRITER_, which tells how to write business, - social, and love letters, giving numerous examples of all. - -This valuable work, containing the _four books above mentioned_, is -issued in one volume under the title =HOW TO WOO=, and it will be sent -to any address, postpaid, upon receipt of 25 cents in postage stamps or -money. Address - - J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY, - 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - -HAVE YOU EVER - - HEARD OF A - COMIC COOK BOOK? - -We publish a book under that title, and it contains more good laughs to -the square inch than any book in the market. Notice a few of the -recipes: - - TABLE MANNERS.—In carving, should the bird slip from under your - knife, do not appear covered with confusion, although you may be - with gravy, but simply say to the lady in whose lap the bird has - landed: “I’ll trouble you for that hen,” or words to that - effect, and proceed with the autopsy. - - TO BOIL FISH.—Place the bird in a kettle of cold water and let - it boil so gently that the water will remain about as warm as a - June day. By so doing the fish can swim about in the kettle, and - come to the table, along with the other guests, in a not - overheated condition. It will require about eight minutes to - cook a fish weighing one pound, and of course, only four minutes - to cook one weighing twice as much. - - TO FRY FISH.—Remove the works from the interior department, pick - off the scales, remove the teeth, and fry in a frying pan—or - anything else which fancy dictates. - - CHICKEN CROQUETTES.—Having stunned a heavy set hen, croquet the - dark meat through three wickets. Loose croquet the bust and - other blonde meat until you are a rover. Chop it all up and add - something to make it stick together, mould it into sausages, - roll in bass-wood sawdust (the croquettes, not yourself). Fry in - red-hot lard. - - CALVES-FOOT JELLY.—Get a yard of the material, i. e., three - feet. Chicago beef is best, as the calves have the largest feet. - Cut off the calf for future reference. Wash the feet, applying - chilblain remedies when necessary, boil them for a while or so, - add enough glue to thicken; stir in a few molasses, strain - through a cane-seated chair. Pour the amalgamation into a blue - bowl with red pictures on it, and send the whole business to a - sick friend. - - ANGEL CAKE.—Chop up green apples, raisins, bananas, in - quantities to suit; stick them in dough. Feed to the children - and the angel part will materialize. - - ROMAN PUNCH.—Only a Roman nose how to prepare this dish - properly. To prepare it the other way add some rum to your - punch. This should be served before the roasts at dinner, but - should be eaten frugally, as it was a Roman punch that killed - Cæsar. - - EMERGENCIES.—Should a child swallow a button, lower a - button-hole down its throat with a piece of string, pass it over - the button and yank it out.——If you see a runaway horse - approaching and are unable to get out of his way, speak to him - firmly, saying, “Lie down, sir!” - - TO TELL A BAD EGG.—This depends entirely on what you wish to - tell the egg. If it be bad news, break it gently—this applies - both to the communication and the fruit. The former had better - be made by telephone, with the safety plug in position. - - TO BREAK A COLT.—Hit him across the back with a sledge hammer. - One blow should be sufficient to break him—or at least break his - back. - - TO MAKE ICE-WATER LAST.—Prepare everything else first. - -Sent post-paid to any address upon receipt of fifteen cents in stamps. -Address all orders to - - J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY, - P. O. Box 767 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - -=How to Read Character by Handwriting.= By Henry Rice. Even to the -uninitiated eye there is a greater or less degree of difference in every -handwriting, such as the slope of the letters, the upward or downward -slant of the line, the coarseness or delicacy of the writing, its -neatness and legibility. What the uninitiated do not know is that each -of these peculiarities is indicative of the character of the writer, yet -a student will be surprised to see the revelations which a few moments’ -intelligent perusal of a specimen of handwriting will afford him. Over -sixty specimens of handwriting and letters are given in this book, with -comments by Mr. Rice as to the different characteristics from a -scientific standpoint. Graphology opens up a new field for intelligent -effort, and the rapid strides it has been making the past few years bid -fair to soon place it above Palmistry, Astrology, etc., in point of -popularity. Book sent postpaid for 25 cents. - - -=Pursuit of Virtue.= By Roland Burke Hennessy, author of “Beautiful Bad -Broadway,” “When a Young Man’s Virtuous,” etc. This is the latest from -the pen of Mr. Hennessy, and we consider it one of the best stories he -has ever written. The scenes are in and around New York and abound with -many thrilling adventures. This book also contains the following short -stories: - - Peeping Into Paradise - An Act of Heroism - A Wise Gazabo - Synonym Sammy - A Great Scheme - The Man Without a Hoe - Love’s Tokens - A Moral and An Experience - What Three Maidens Dreamed - The Matinee-Girl - Etc., etc. - -—all in all, it would be hard to find a book of light reading of more -interest than the above. All the above sent prepaid on receipt of price, -25 cents. - - -=Fortune-Telling by Cards.= Here, indeed, is a book every young man or -woman should have. To-day “playing cards” for an evening’s enjoyment is -a most popular pastime. No matter where you are, no matter where you go, -nowadays “playing cards” is the thing. When played solely for amusement -it is a most innocent entertainment, and at the same time a great -memory-trainer. You must have often noticed at card parties, while -sitting or standing around waiting for late arrivals to come, there are -a few moments when you wish they’d start, or you wish there was -“something doing.” Just at this moment is your chance to make a hit with -your fortune-telling by cards. No matter how “bum” you are at it, the -girls will flock around you four and five deep. You will be the king -bee, as it were, and you will have the inward pleasure of making the -other boys feel like a long skirt on a rainy day—very damp. In addition -to the above, “Fortune-Telling by the Magic Crystal” is gone into in -detail, giving all the symbols for a correct divination of the future. -“The Oraculum: or, Napoleon Buonaparte’s Book of Fate” (specially -translated) is given here for perhaps the first time in the English -language. A table of questions generally applicable has been compiled, -and sixteen pages of answers, to suit any temperament or individuality, -are given. “Fortune-Telling with Dice” is very complete, giving an -assorted list of thirty-two answers to questions for every possible -throw of two dice. Get this book, study it, and spring it on the “bunch” -at the first opportunity, and if the girls don’t say you are certainly -IT we’ll refund the money. There’s many a time you’d pay $10 to make a -hit with ONE girl—here’s a chance to make a hit with any number of -them—all for 25 cents. - - Any of the above books will be sent by mail, postpaid, on - receipt of price by J. S. Ogilvie Publishing Company, 57 Rose - Street, New York. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - Were You Ever - Side-Tracked? - -[Illustration] - - Whether You Ever Were, - or Not, You Cannot Fail - to Appreciate ... - - HARRY L. NEWTON’S - - GREAT JOKE BOOK - - ENTITLED - - “SIDE-TRACKED.” - -There is really “something doing” in this joke book. It has been -pronounced IT with a capital I. One hundred and twenty pages of clean, -fresh, bright humor—=not a dull line=! - -Harry L. Newton, the author, has declared it to be his masterpiece, and -his assertion is being borne out daily, as our sales are increasing very -rapidly. The first edition of 50 thousand was sold =in less than two -weeks=. - -If you want to laugh and grow fat, read “=Side-Tracked.=” It’s cheaper -than the price of a pound of meat and just as satisfying. So get busy -boys, and order a copy before the other fellow beats you to it. - -“=Side-Tracked=” contains the greatest lot of slow-train stories ever in -print. This book is getting so popular you see people reading it on the -streets, on the cars and in barber shops. There hasn’t been such a run -on a joke book in years. Get it! Get it! Get it! Enjoy it and pass it -along. Push it along. It’s a good thing. It contains 120 pages, bound in -paper cover handsomely illustrated in colors, and will be sent by mail, -postpaid, to any address upon receipt of 25 cents. Address all orders to - - J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY, - P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - A THOROUGHBRED - TRAMP - -[Illustration] - -“A Thoroughbred Tramp” was written by thoroughbred writers and is a -thoroughbred publication in every respect. - -As a “Tramp” compilation it has every other book backed off the -boards—and then some. - -One hundred pages of unalloyed joy, spiced with whole bunches of -delirious gladness, and seasoned with inimitable wit. - -That’s pretty strong, but it goes—and so does the book. - -Some of the best writers in the country have taken a crack at supplying -the material for this volume. - -That’s why we boost it so strongly. We feel that you will get your -money’s worth and won’t be disappointed. - -We’re not in the business to disappoint anybody. - -When you pick up this book and open the first page, hold on to your -sides or something will rip. At about the fifth page, call your wife to -help you hold them. If you have no wife, call in somebody else’s. When -you reach the middle of the book, call for the whole family and you’ll -all have a merry-go-round. - -Will send you copy by prepaid mail upon receipt of price, 25 cents. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - Popular - Recitations - -[Illustration] - -A new collection of old and new favorites for home and stage uses. For -want of space we mention only a few to be found therein. - -=Face on the Bar-Room Floor, Jim Bludso, Whisperin’ Bill, ’Ostler Joe, -How Salvator Won, Little Meg & I, Casey at the Bat, Kelly’s Dream, -Shamus O’Brien, The Dying Actor, The Village Blacksmith, The Volunteer -Organist, Annabel Lee, A Story of St. Peter, Casey’s Tabble Dote, -Courting in Kentucky, Gunga Din, Old John Henry, The Betrothed, The -Clink of the Ice, The Yarn of the Nancy Bell, Walk, & many more.= - -This book contains 128 pages, printed from new plates in large type, -with attractive cover design in colors. Price, 25 cents. - -Either of the above books will be sent by mail, postpaid, on receipt of -price by J. S. Ogilvie Publishing Co., 57 Rose St., New York. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - -[Illustration] - - THURSTON’S CARD TRICKS, - (The Greatest Magician Living,) - -gives a full description of Thurston’s sensational rising card trick; -also his famous continuous front and back hand palming of cards, -together with a great number of his new and heretofore unpublished -tricks. You can learn them for the purpose of making money or to -entertain your friends. The book contains 83 pages with 45 -illustrations. Price, paper bound, 25 cents. - - HAND SHADOWS ON THE WALL - -shows how to produce shadows on the wall by the arrangement of one’s -hands held in front of the light. Every position is fully illustrated, -and the book will afford a good evening’s amusement for the grown-ups as -well as the children. Paper bound, 25 cents. - - HOW TO BEHAVE. - -The guide to true politeness. Every person wishing to be considered -well-bred, who desires to know the customs of good society and to avoid -incorrect and vulgar habits should send for this book. It contains table -etiquette, street etiquette, how to overcome bashfulness, the art of -conversing, and many other things too numerous to mention. Price, paper -bound, 25 cents. - - YOUR HAND IS YOUR - FORTUNE; - -[Illustration] - -or, Modern Palmistry. We have published a cheap edition of our Modern -Palmistry book under the above title, to enable those who are interested -in this subject to secure for little money the same material for which -we charge 50 cents and $1.00 in another form. It is a complete book on -palmistry and will be useful to all who wish to learn this art for the -sake of making money. It is fully illustrated, contains 192 pages and is -just what you are looking for to enable you to tell the future by -reading the hand. Price, paper bound, 25 cents. - -Any of the above books will be sent by mail, postpaid, on receipt of -price by - - J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY, - P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - -=Talkalogues.= Illustrated. Some of the best monologue and cross-fire -material ever published, now in print for the first time. Such good ones -as E. P. Moran, Joseph Horrigan, Leontine Stanfield, Harry L. Newton, -Edwards and Ronney, etc., are the principal contributors. There is a -wealth of material in this book for the up-to-date performer, amateur or -professional, and while it is fresh is the time to make a hit with it. -Some of the shorter selections are just the stuff for encores. Or they -can be assembled and strung out in such a manner as to keep the audience -screaming while you are on the stage. The “rapid fire” by Harry L. -Newton is worthy a place on the most select bill. All the above, -postpaid, for 25 cents. - - -=Taylor’s Popular Recitations.= A new collection of old favorites for -home and stage use. Read the contents carefully. Gems from the pens of -James Whitcomb Riley, Eugene Field, Robert J. Burdette, Ella Wheeler -Wilcox, S. W. Foss, John Hay, Rudyard Kipling, etc.: - - Casey at the Bat - Volunteer Organist - Countersign Was Mary - Yarn of the Nancy Bell - Farewell - Life Lesson - Matter of Business - Metaphysical Dilemma - Old Sweetheart of Mine - As My Uncle Ust to Say - Tale of Conscious Virtue - Thankful Parson - Yaller Dog’s Love for a Nigger - Bedrock Philosophy - Bedtime - Bohemia - Casey’s Tabble Dote - College Revisited - Courting in Kentucky - Der Vater-Mill - Faces We Miss from the Stage - Young British Soldier - Trilby - ’Ostler Joe - What to Do with a Water-Melon - When the Green Gits Back in the Trees - Whisperin’ Bill - Violets - Two Sinners - Hamlet’s Soliloquy on Death - Father’s Way - Walk - Gunga Din - Honest Confessions - Jim - Jim Bludso - Kathleen Mavourneen - Kelly’s Dream - Letty’s Globe - Face on the Bar-room Floor - Little Breeches - Little Meg and I - Level and the Square - Covered Bridge - Dying Actor - How Salvator Won - Old Stage-Queen - The Popular Song - Village Blacksmith - Worldly Way - They Were Mixed - My Sweetheart of Long Ago - Old John Henry - Our Two Opinions - Over the Crossin’ - Parson Snow’s Hint - Retrospection - Sadie - Shamus O’Brien - Sherry - Father Phil’s Subscription-List - Teamster Jim - That Queen - Betrothed - Clink of the Ice - Annabel Lee - Psalm of Life - Rustle Convert - Story of St. Peter - -Printed from new type on antique laid paper. Is hand-sewed and opens -flat. Cover is an attractive design printed in colors on double enamel. -Price, 25 cents. - - -=500 Toasts.= We do not hesitate to say this is the best and largest -collection of original and popular toasts now published. Hundreds of -original toasts never in print before, and all the popular toasts by the -world-renowned authors: - - Wm. Makepeace Thackeray - Henry W. Longfellow - Sir Walter Scott - William Wordsworth - Ella Wheeler Wilcox - Ben Jonson - Bobby Burns - William Shakspere - Oliver Goldsmith - Tom Moore - Lord Byron - Thomas Hood - -These toasts are arranged in classes under the following captions: -“Toasts to Sweetheart,” “Toasts to Wife,” “Toasts to Woman,” “Toasts to -Man,” “Toasts Cynical,” “Toasts Patriotic,” and “Toasts Miscellaneous.” -This new book, “500 Toasts,” is a book for all classes. There’s no -telling when you may be called upon to propose a toast. To be unprepared -means embarrassment. Send for this book and memorize a few toasts. -Mention that it’s “Will Rossiter’s 500 Toasts” that you want. Send -to-day. By mail, 15 cents; cloth-bound, 30 cents. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - DON’T MARRY - -This book was not written with the idea of advising people =not to -marry=, but rather with a view to giving them advice as to =whom NOT to -marry=. You can readily see how important the marriage question is, how -it will come into your life, and how your decision may be your uplifting -or your downfall. - -This is a question no one is free from, and this book will not only help -you to decide, but will result in life-long happiness. “The genius of -selection is the rarest of faculties.” - -The following is a list of contents: - - Don’t Marry for Beauty Alone. - Don’t Marry for Money. - Don’t Marry a Very Small Man. - Don’t Marry too Young. - Don’t Marry a Coquette. - Don’t Elope to Marry. - Don’t Dally About Proposing. - Don’t Marry a Drunkard. - Don’t Marry a Spendthrift. - Don’t Marry a Miser. - Don’t Marry Far Apart in Ages. - Don’t Marry too Old. - Don’t Marry Odd Sizes. - Don’t Marry a Clown. - Don’t Marry a Dude. - Don’t Marry From Pity. - Don’t Marry for an Ideal Marriage. - Don’t Break a Marriage Promise. - Don’t Marry For Spite. - Don’t Mitten a Mechanic. - Don’t Marry a Man too Poor. - Don’t Marry a Crank. - Don’t Marry Fine Feathers. - Don’t Marry Without Love. - Don’t Marry a Stingy Man. - Don’t Marry too Hastily. - Don’t be too Slow About It. - Don’t Marry a Silly Girl. - Don’t Expect too Much in Marriage. - Don’t Marry a Fop. - Don’t Marry in Fun. - Don’t Spurn a Man for His Poverty. - Don’t Marry Recklessly. - -This book contains 112 pages, size 7 × 4-3/4 inches, printed in large -type on good quality paper, is bound in durable paper cover, and will be -sent by mail, postpaid, to any address upon receipt of 25 cents in U. S. -stamps or postal money order. Address all orders to - - J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY, - P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - VAIL’S DREAM BOOK - AND - COMPLETE FORTUNE TELLER - - By J. R. & A. M. VAIL - -You dream like everyone else does, but can you interpret them—do you -understand what your dream portends? If you wish to know what it means, -you should buy this book, which contains the full and correct -interpretation of all dreams and their lucky numbers. This book is also -the most complete fortune teller on the market. - -We give herewith a partial list of the contents: - -Dreams and Their Interpretations. - -Palmistry, or Telling Fortunes by the Lines of the Hand. - -Fortune Telling by the Grounds in a Tea or Coffee Cup. - -How to Read Your Fortunes by the White of an Egg. - -How to Determine the Lucky and Unlucky Days of any Month in the - Year. - -How to Ascertain Whether You will Marry Soon. - -Fortune Telling by Cards, including the Italian Method. - -A Chapter on Somniloquism and Spiritual Mediums. - -The book contains 128 pages, size 7-5/8 × 5-1/4 set in new, large, clear -type, and will be sent by mail, postpaid, to any address upon receipt of -25 cents. For sale where you bought this book. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - JUST OUT - TEMPTATIONS OF THE STAGE. - -There is probably no other book of this kind on the market that tells so -much truth from Stage Life as does this one. If there is, we do not know -of it. We herewith give the contents and leave you to draw your own -conclusions:— - -[Illustration] - - Ever in the Limelight. - - “Propinquity” _versus_ “Association.” - - Flattery. - - See How it Sparkles. - - Gambling—Drugs. - - Dangerous Pitfalls on the Road to Success. - - My Narrow Escape. _By Della Fox._ - - Girls in Burlesque Companies. _By May Howard._ - - A Nation at Her Feet. _By Pauline Markham._ - - Jane Hading’s Career. _By Herself._ - - A Woman’s Blighted Life. _By Jennie O’Neill Potter._ - - Cigarette Smoking. - - A Unique Sensation. _By Nina Farrington._ - - Yvette Guilbert’s Songs. - - A Tragic End. - - Triumphs and Failures. _By Isabelle Urquhart._ - - A Mad Career. - - Likes to Wear Tights. _By Jessie Bartlett Davis._ - - Jolly Jennie Joyce. - - Thorns of Stage Life. _By Maud Gregory._ - - The Stage is Not Degenerating. _By Eva Mudge._ - - Ethics of Stage Morality. _By Jessie Olivier._ - - Stage-Door Johnnies. - - The Pace That Kills. - - Stage Love Letters. _Mlle. Fougere._ - - From Tights to Tea Parties. - - Cure For the Stage Struck. - - Stock Companies. - - In Other Walks. - -The above book contains 128 pages, bound in paper cover handsomely -illustrated in colors, and will be sent by mail, postpaid, to any -address upon receipt of 25 cents. Address all orders to - - J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY, - P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - -=ACTORS’ MONOLOGUES AND JOKES.= This book contains the complete -up-to-date monologues, word for word, of such well-known “stars” and -“top-liners” as: - - George W. Day, - Charlie Case, - James Thornton, - Low Sully, - John W. Ransone, - George Fuller Golden, - J. W. Kelly, - James J. Morton, - Lew Bloom, - Digby Bell, - James J. Corbett, - Elizabeth Murray, - Loney Haskell, - George Thatcher, - Frank Cushman, etc. - -This collection contains just the things you’ve been looking for—funny -jokes and funny sayings. If you want to be popular when out in society -you must have some funny things pat to your tongue to say, and when you -get the boys and girls to laughing it’s a sure thing you’ll get invited -to every party. If you are going to “act out” in the amateur show that -the boys are getting up, this book has just the piece or monologue you -want. We send it, postpaid, for 25 cents. - - -=STAGE JOKES.= A big hit. Nothing in the way of a book of up-to-date -jokes and funny sayings has been published in years as good as this -book. It is just the thing you want for home use and for all kinds of -entertainments, and we can best convince you of its merits by naming -some of the well-known professionals who have contributed their best: - - Weber and Fields, - Rogers Brothers, - Ezra Kendall, - DeWolf Hopper, - Joe Flynn, - Mark Murphy, - Marshall P. Wilder, - George Thatcher, - Nat M. Wills, - Lew Dockstader, - Joe Welch, - Charlie Case, - -—and many more just as well known. You can see why this book is so much -better than others—it is not “written to order” by any one man, but -contains the best efforts of nearly fifty of our best and most popular -comedians. Nos. 1 and 2 now ready. Either book, complete, 25 cents. - - -=HOT-STUFF JOKELETS.= Hand-lettered and illustrated. “The Unkissed -Maid”; “A Fool Story in Three Chapters”; “Monologue,” by Edwards and -Ronney; “The Chaser”; “Get Your Money’s Worth”—and hundreds of other -choice things are illustrated with the funniest cartoons you ever saw. -There is positively nothing on the market to equal this book. So -original is it that the advance orders from the news and book dealers -totaled 25,000. If you want the best, and appreciate an artistic -publication, send for “Hot-Stuff Jokelets.” Price, 25 cents. - - -=CARTER’S MAGIC AND MAGICIANS.= There is no use talking, but the girl or -boy, man or woman, who can do a few simple card tricks is the “cock of -the walk” in any sort of social gathering. The tricks in this book are -so clearly explained and illustrated that it takes but a very little -while to get proficient in the art. The girls flock ’round you as thick -as flies on a “squashed” tomato in the sun. There’s nothing like it. You -may not be sporty, you may not spend money with them, but if you can—“by -a simple twist of the wrist”; “now you see it and now you don’t”; “the -more you watch the less you know”—and do it well, you are just the real -fellow. This book is the latest and best on the market. All the new card -tricks and sleight-of-hand monkey-doodle business. Price, 25 cents. - - Any of the above books will be sent by mail, postpaid, on - receipt of price by J. S. Ogilvie Publishing Company, 57 Rose - Street, New York. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - FORTUNE-TELLING - BY - CARDS, DICE, - and - CRYSTAL. - -[Illustration] - -Here, indeed, is a book every young man or woman should have. You must -have often noticed at card parties, while sitting or standing around -waiting for late arrivals to come, there are a few moments when you wish -they’d start, or you wish there was “something doing.” Just at this -moment is your chance to make a hit with your fortune-telling by cards. -No matter how poor you are at it, the crowd will flock around you four -and five deep. You will be the king bee, as it were, and you will have -the inward pleasure of making the others feel like a long skirt on a -rainy day—very damp. In addition to the above, “Fortune-Telling by the -Magic Crystal” is gone into in detail, giving all the symbols for a -correct divination of the future. “The Oraculum: or, Napoleon -Buonaparte’s Book of Fate” (especially translated) is given here for -perhaps the first time in the English language. A table of questions -generally applicable has been compiled, and 16 pages of answers, to suit -any temperament or individuality, are given. “Fortune-Telling With Dice” -is very complete, giving an assorted list of 32 answers to questions for -every possible throw of two dice. Get this book, study it, and use it at -the first opportunity, and if the girls don’t say you are certainly IT -we’ll refund the money. Here’s a chance to make a hit. - -The book contains 100 pages, fully illustrated, is bound in paper cover, -and will be sent by mail, postpaid, on receipt of price, 25 cents. -Address - - J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY, - P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - GOING SOME! - -[Illustration] - -These books contain more laughs to the square inch than any other joke -books on the market. Each book is equivalent to a vaudeville show of two -hours’ duration, and every book on this list has our unqualified -endorsement. =Price, 25 cents each.= - - THREE HUNDRED FUNNY STORIES. - TWENTY GOOD STORIES. - A BAD BOY’S DIARY. - BLUNDERS OF A BASHFUL MAN. - TEN FUNNY STORIES. By Opie Read. - THE TRAVELS OF A TRAMP. - ON A FAST TRAIN THROUGH GEORGIA. - WEBER AND FIELDS’ FUNNY SAYINGS. - WEBER AND FIELDS’ STAGE WHISPERS. - A DRUMMER’S DIARY. - STAGE JOKES. No. 1. - STAGE JOKES. No. 2. - A THOROUGHBRED TRAMP. - ON THE HOG TRAIN THROUGH KANSAS. - SIDE-TRACKED. - EASY MONEY. - LEW HAWKINS IN BLACK AND WHITE. - HIRAM BIRDSEED AT THE FAIR. - ON AN ARMY MULE THROUGH VIRGINIA. - OGILVIE’S SLOW TRAIN. - THE SUNNY SIDE OF LIFE. 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There is an exhilaration, a -restful, soothing, satisfying feeling about automobiling for pleasure -that seems different from that achieved in other ways. But it has its -trying, adventurous, and fearful side as well, and so to those who have -experienced these emotions, and to those who would like to experience -them, we heartily recommend the book - - - THE CAR - AND THE LADY - - By GRACE S. MASON and PERCY F. MEGARGEL, - -in which actual experience has been partially interwoven with fiction in -an exciting narrative of a race across the American continent. -Adventure, mistakes, accidents, good fortune, and surprise, follow one -another in rapid succession, keeping the tension of the reader at -excitement pitch until the goal is reached and the prize won—a prize -which at some time in every one’s career is quite the only prize on -earth. - -The book contains 276 pages of solid reading matter, printed from large, -new type on good quality of paper, and bound in attractive paper covers -printed in colors. It is for sale by booksellers and newsdealers -everywhere, or will be sent by mail, postpaid, upon receipt of 25 cents. - - J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY, - P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - STOP! LOOK! LISTEN! - -[Illustration] - - Ten True Secret Service - Detective Stories. - - BY - - D. B. SHAW. - - Unquestionably the Greatest Book - Of Detective Stories Ever - Offered to the Public. - -These astounding and absorbingly interesting accounts of crime in real -life abound in hair-raising incidents that hold the reader spell-bound. -Being narratives of actual facts, truthful records of the doings of -crafty and desperate criminals, these stories possess for the reader a -zest and interest wholly lacking in similar works on fictional lines. - -From the slenderest clue we view the trained sleuths, as they piece -together strand by strand the meshes of the net which finally incloses -the wrong-doers in the relentless grasp of the law. - -Away from the hackneyed and ordinary, and brushing aside the -conventional, these marvellous stories mark a new epoch in detective -literature. - - =Truth That Makes Fiction Trivial!= - =A Thrill in Every Page! A Sensation in Every Chapter!= - =Unparalleled in Interest!= - =Unexcelled in Dramatic and Thrilling Incident!= - -The book contains 280 pages, is bound in heavy paper covers with -handsome illustration in colors. Retail price, 25 cents. It is for sale -by booksellers everywhere, or we will send it by mail, postpaid, on -receipt of price. Address - - J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY, - P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - -[Illustration] - - One Hundred and Fifty - House Plans for $1.00. - - _PALLISER’S - UP-TO-DATE - HOUSE PLANS._ - - By GEORGE A. PALLISER. - -We have just published a new book, with above title, containing 150 -up-to-date plans of houses, costing from $500 to $18,000, which anyone -thinking of building a house should have if they wish to save money and -also get the latest and best ideas of a practical architect and eminent -designer and writer on common-sense, practical and convenient dwelling -houses for industrial Americans, homes for co-operative builders, -investors and everybody desiring to build, own or live in Model Homes of -low and medium cost. These plans are not old plans, but every one is -up-to-date (1906), and if you are thinking of building a house you will -save many times the cost of this book by getting it and studying up the -designs. We are certain you will find something in it which will suit -you. It also gives prices of working plans at about one-half the regular -prices, and many hints and helps to all who desire to build. 160 large -octavo pages. Price, paper cover, $1.00; bound in cloth, $1.50. Sent by -mail, postpaid, to any address on receipt of price. Address all orders -to - - J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY. - P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK. - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - Transcriber’s note: - -Ad Page 1, ‘them’ changed to ‘then,’ “and then some” - -Ad Page 1, ‘maginings’ changed to ‘imaginings,’ “the wildest imaginings -of” - -Ad Page 1, ‘OGLIVIE’ changed to ‘OGILVIE,’ “J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING” - -Ad Page 2, ‘commedians’ changed to ‘comedians,’ “of German comedians” - -Ad Page 4, ‘Field’s’ changed to ‘Fields’,’ “Weber and Fields’” - -Ad Page 6, comma changed to full stop following ‘Canned,’ “Getting -“Canned.”” - -Ad Page 8, ‘LECOC’ changed to ‘LECOQ,’ “MONSIEUR LECOQ” - -Ad Page 8, full stop inserted after ‘LECOQ,’ “MONSIEUR LECOQ.” - -Ad Page 8, full stop inserted after ‘LEROUGE,’ “THE WIDOW LEROUGE.” - -Ad Page 8, full stop inserted after ‘$1,’ “or any 5 for $1.” - -Ad Page 9, full stop inserted after ‘767,’ “P. O. Box 767.” - -Ad Page 11, ‘ordres’ changed to ‘orders,’ “Address all orders to” - -Ad Page 14, opening double quote inserted before ‘500,’ “Mention “500 -Toasts” - -Ad Page 14, comma inserted after ‘Company,’ “Publishing Company, 57 -Rose” - -Ad Page 15, full stop inserted after ‘market,’ “teller on the market.” - -Ad Page 18, question mark changed to exclamation point following ‘sir,’ -“Lie down, sir!” - -Ad Page 20, ‘containes’ changed to ‘contains,’ “contains the greatest” - -Ad Page 21, full stop inserted after ‘anybody,’ “to disappoint anybody.” - -Ad Page 24, full stop inserted after ‘YORK,’ “STREET, NEW YORK.” - -Ad Page 27, comma inserted after ‘Company,’ “Ogilvie Publishing -Company,” - -Ad Page 27, full stop inserted after ‘York,’ “Street, New York.” - -Ad Page 31, full stop inserted after ‘P,’ “P. O. Box 767.” - -Ad Page 33, ‘exhiliration’ changed to ‘exhilaration,’ “is an -exhilaration,” - -Back Cover, full stop inserted after ‘YORK,’ “STREET, NEW YORK.” - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Will Rossiter's Original Talkalogues -by American Jokers, by Will Rossiter - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WILL ROSSITER'S ORIGINAL TALKALOGUES *** - -***** This file should be named 53280-0.txt or 53280-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/3/2/8/53280/ - -Produced by Demian Katz and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (Images courtesy -of the Digital Library@Villanova University -(http://digital.library.villanova.edu/)) - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Will Rossiter's Original Talkalogues by American Jokers - -Author: Will Rossiter - -Release Date: October 15, 2016 [EBook #53280] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WILL ROSSITER'S ORIGINAL TALKALOGUES *** - - - - -Produced by Demian Katz and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (Images courtesy -of the Digital Library@Villanova University -(http://digital.library.villanova.edu/)) - - - - - - -</pre> - - -<div class='figcenter id001'> -<img src='images/cover.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> - -<div> - <h1 class='c001'><span class='xlarge'>WILL ROSSITER’S</span><br /> <br /><span class='xxlarge'>ORIGINAL<br />TALKALOGUES.</span></h1> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c000'> - <div>BY</div> - <div class='c000'><span class='xlarge'>AMERICAN JOKERS.</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<hr class='c002' /> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>(<span class='sc'>Copyright, 1903, by Will Rossiter.</span>)</div> - </div> -</div> - -<hr class='c002' /> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div><span class='sc'>New York</span>:</div> - <div>J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY,</div> - <div>57 <span class='sc'>Rose Street</span>.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c003' /> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div><span class='xxlarge'>Try Murine Eye Remedy</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='figcenter id002'> -<img src='images/i01.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<p class='c004'>To Refresh, Cleanse -and Strengthen -the Eye. -To Stimulate the -Circulation of the Blood -Supply which -Nourishes the Eye, and -Restore a Healthful -Tone to Eyes Enfeebled -by Exposure to -Strong Winds, Dust, -Reflected Sunlight -and Eye Strain. -To Quickly Relieve -Redness, Swelling -and Inflamed -Conditions.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Murine is compounded in the Laboratory of -the Murine Eye Remedy Co., Chicago, by Oculists, -as used for years in Private Practice, and is Safe -and Pleasant in its Application to the most -Sensitive Eye, or to the Eyes of a nursing Infant. -Doesn’t Smart.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Murine is a Reliable Relief for All Eyes that -Need Care.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Your Druggist sells Murine Eye Remedies. Our Books -mailed Free, tell you all about them and how to use them.</p> - -<p class='c006'>May be sent by mail at following prices.</p> - -<table class='table0' summary=''> -<colgroup> -<col width='73%' /> -<col width='26%' /> -</colgroup> - <tr> - <td class='c007'>Murine Eye Remedy</td> - <td class='c008'>25c., 50c., $1.00</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c009'>DeLuxe Toilet Edition—For the Dressing Table</td> - <td class='c008'>1.25</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c009'>Tourist—Autoist—in Leather Case</td> - <td class='c008'>1.25</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c009'>Murine Eye Salve in Aseptic Tubes</td> - <td class='c008'>25c., 1.00</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c009'>Granuline—For Chronic Sore Eyes and Trachoma</td> - <td class='c008'>1.50</td> - </tr> -</table> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div><span class='xxlarge'><span class='sc'>Murine Eye Remedy Co.</span></span></div> - <div>Michigan Avenue and Randolph Street, CHICAGO, U. S. A.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c003' /> -</div> -<div class='chapter'> - <h2 class='c010'>PUBLISHER’S NOTE</h2> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c011'> - <div>If at times you’re feeling blue,</div> - <div>Take this book and read it through;</div> - <div>Pass it on to friend or brother;</div> - <div>For yourself—just buy another!</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c003' /> -</div> -<div class='chapter'> - <h2 class='c010'>Contents</h2> -</div> - -<table class='table1' summary=''> -<colgroup> -<col width='85%' /> -<col width='15%' /> -</colgroup> - <tr> - <td class='c007'>TALKALOGUES</td> - <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_9'>9-33</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td class='c012' colspan='2'><i>By E. P. Moran</i></td></tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c007'>MORE TALKALOGUES</td> - <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_34'>34-38</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td class='c012' colspan='2'><i>By Joseph Horrigan</i></td></tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c007'>LOVE AND LAGER BEER</td> - <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_38'>38</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td class='c012' colspan='2'><i>By Leontine Stanfield</i></td></tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c007'>THE MAN FROM SQUASHOPOLIS</td> - <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_40'>40-49</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td class='c012' colspan='2'><i>By Harry L. Newton</i></td></tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c007'>THE PACIFIC SLOPE</td> - <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_49'>49-60</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td class='c012' colspan='2'><i>By Harry L. Newton</i></td></tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c007'>WOULDN’T GOLF DIALECT DO?</td> - <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_60'>60-62</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c007'>SOME WESTERN STORIES</td> - <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_62'>62-64</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c007'>HAPPENINGS IN KEROSENELAMPVILLE</td> - <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_64'>64-67</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c007'>BITS OF VERSE AND PROSE</td> - <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_68'>68-72</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td class='c012' colspan='2'><i>By Edwards & Ronney</i></td></tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c007'>RAPID FIRE</td> - <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_73'>73-85</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td class='c012' colspan='2'><i>By Harry L. Newton</i></td></tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c007'>“A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME”</td> - <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_86'>86</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c007'>AN ORIGINAL HABEAS CORPUS CASE</td> - <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_87'>87-89</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c007'>LI HUNG CHANG’S JOKE</td> - <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_89'>89</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c007'>FIFTEEN MINUTES WITH A PLAYWRIGHT</td> - <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_90'>90-95</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td class='c012' colspan='2'><i>By Harry L. Newton</i></td></tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c007'>POPULAR SONGS APPROPRIATELY APPLIED</td> - <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_96'>96</a></td> - </tr> -</table> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c003' /> -</div> -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_9'>9</span> - <h2 class='c010'>WILL ROSSITER’S<br /> <br /><span class='xxlarge'>Original<br />Talkalogues</span></h2> -</div> - -<div class='c004'> - <img class='drop-capi' src='images/i02.png' width='100' alt='' /> -</div><p class='drop-capi0_0'> -Well, well! here we are again! I -just did manage to get here -on time, too. I never thought -I’d be able to do it in the -world. My wife and I were out -riding in our automobile, and we got into a -heated argument as to which of us was the -better chauffeur. During the excitement of -the argument we both neglected to hold the -lines of the automobile, and it shied at a -piece of paper and ran away.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Instinct told us both to make a grab, I for -the lever and she for my hair. Just then the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_11'>11</span>automobile struck the curb-stone, and my -wife and I had a “falling out.”</p> - -<div class='figcenter id003'> -<img src='images/i03.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -<div class='ic003'> -<p>My wife and I had a “falling out.”</p> -</div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>There I was, several miles from the theater, -with a broken-down automobile and an -angry wife that wouldn’t speak to me. -Wasn’t that suffering for you? I felt sure -that I could make it to the theater all right, -but I didn’t know whether I’d have time to -“make up” or not.</p> - -<p class='c005'>This trying to please a woman is a tough -game. I tell you, ladies, the trouble is the -men don’t know just how to take their -wives. Now I took mine in an automobile, -and it turned out a frost. Maybe if I had -taken her in a wheelbarrow she’d have -thought it delightful—still, I doubt it.</p> - -<p class='c005'>But I wasn’t married always; I was an -American citizen once myself. I say American -citizen once, because an American citizen -prides himself that he is under no tyrannical -ruler, enjoys liberty and the fact that -he can do as he pleases. Therefore, a married -man can’t be an American citizen.</p> - -<p class='c005'>The reason I married was that I was out -of work. I answered an advertisement for -a situation, and the proprietor asked me “if -<span class='pageno' id='Page_12'>12</span>I was married.” I told him no, that I was -single. Then he said: “Well, I’d give you -the position at once, only I must have a -married man.” I said: “Keep the place open -for about an hour, and I’ll fix that all right—it’s -easier to get married than it is to get -a job.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>There’s no trouble in getting married at -all; the trouble starts after you are married—when -you have to get up in the middle of -the night and walk the floor with Reginald -singing coon songs; that is, Reginald does -not sing coon songs—you’ve got to sing -to Reggy; and you can’t sing a lullaby, or -you’d go to sleep yourself.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Why, I had an awfully hard time getting -used to it; the kid used to cry so much that -it wouldn’t even stop for meals. The neighbors -all said: “O, my! why don’t you feed -that baby on Mellin’s food? It would make -a different child of him.” I didn’t say a -word to anyone, but went out and bought -eight watermelons and five cantaloupes and -then I fed him till I thought he’d bust. Well, -after the doctors brought him to, he was a -<span class='pageno' id='Page_14'>14</span>different child; they asked me why I didn’t -feed him on cucumbers and sliced tripe.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Of course, after that experience I knew -better. So I got a box of the true article at -the druggist’s, and took the baby on my knee -to feed him. The directions said: “Before -feeding the baby, shake well.” Well, that -was pie for me, because I had it in for him, -anyway. I nearly shook the life out of him; -then I fed him.</p> - -<div class='figcenter id003'> -<img src='images/i04.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -<div class='ic003'> -<p>“Before feeding the baby, shake well.”</p> -</div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>I was overly anxious to follow the directions -strictly to the letter, so I read the whole -thing through two or three times to make -sure. Down near the bottom it read: -“N. B.—After child is fed—set in a cool -place—” I put him in the ice-box.</p> - -<div class='figcenter id004'> -<img src='images/i05.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<div class='c005'> - <img class='drop-capi' src='images/i06.png' width='100' alt='' /> -</div><p class='drop-capi0_9'> -I went home the other evening -and my wife said: “Ed, you -know that this is the night -that we are to go to the swell -reception given by the Richmonds.” -I said: “Yes, dear, I remember.” -I hadn’t given it a thought, but I wasn’t -going to tell her that. Then she came over -<span class='pageno' id='Page_16'>16</span>and put her arms around me and started to -cry. I asked what the trouble was, and she -said: “Well, you know, dear, I only -intended getting just a light dinner, because, -you know, we’ll get plenty to eat at the -reception.” Then I lied again and said: “Yes, -I know.” “Well,” she went, on, “the cook -has allowed what little we were going to -have to burn, and now there isn’t a thing in -the house fit to eat. But don’t scold,” she -said, “for she is so young and inexperienced, -and, besides, she’s so sweet; won’t a kiss -do instead?” I was pretty hungry, but I -said: “All right; send her in.”</p> - -<div class='figcenter id003'> -<img src='images/i07.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -<div class='ic003'> -<p>Put her arms around me and started to cry</p> -</div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>For a long time I didn’t think we’d go to -the reception—but, finally I squared matters -and told her to run on and get dressed. I -read the evening paper until she started putting -on her hat,—and then I started to get -ready. After I was dressed and waiting -about five minutes she said she was ready. -So we started for the reception, she on her -dignity and I on an empty stomach. And I -might as well say right here, I took my -empty stomach back home with me again, -for all I saw there to eat was some opera-glass -<span class='pageno' id='Page_17'>17</span>sandwiches—that is, you could look -through them.</p> - -<p class='c005'>With these they passed around lemonade, -and after that was gobbled up by the hungry -mob they flashed a box or two of bon-bons. -Think of it—bon-bons on an empty stomach! -If it wasn’t for fear of my wife being jealous -I’d have gone to the kitchen and made a play -for the cook.</p> - -<p class='c005'>I never attended anything that I got so -disgusted with in all my life. Did you ever -have to go to one, fellows, with your wife? -The women all sit around in bunches, and -each bunch runs down the others. Mrs. -Hypocrite will look up rather suddenly to see -if she can discover anybody talking about -her, and she notices that Mrs. Stabyouinthe -Back is gazing fixedly at her; then, each seeing -that they are caught, smile sweetly, bow -to each other and go back to knocking.</p> - -<p class='c005'>How can they do it, girls? How can they -do it? Each woman there knew, deep down -in her heart, that every woman three feet -away was talking about her! If it wasn’t -about her hat being one of last season’s -styles it was about the way her dress was -<span class='pageno' id='Page_18'>18</span>made; and if both of these happened to be -above criticism then they would say: “O, -pshaw! what good is all that finery to her? -It doesn’t become her! It would be just -the same if she had a Worth gown on, and -the hat—well, she could put on picture-hats -from all the picture-books published and it -wouldn’t make her look dressed! Why, she -can look well with nothing on!”</p> - -<p class='c005'>As though that woman would go to a reception -with nothing on!</p> - -<p class='c005'>But the part that takes my time is that -after all their knocking they stand in the hall -when it’s time to go home, and, with the -door open until everybody in the house is -chilled to death, they have three or four -rounds of kisses, tell what a delightful time -they have had and invite each other to come -and see them!</p> - -<p class='c005'>Henceforth I scratch receptions off my list. -Nothing but a stag goes with me any more.</p> - -<p class='c005'>There was one poor fellow there that I -took quite a fancy to—he was holding up the -wall opposite to me. After a bit I went over -and spoke to him. “How are you getting -on?” I asked. “O, I’m holding up all right,” -<span class='pageno' id='Page_19'>19</span>he said—I didn’t know whether he meant the -wall or his spirits.</p> - -<p class='c005'>We talked for a while, and then he gaped -and said: “Excuse me”; and I gaped and said: -“Excuse me.” Then after a bit I gaped and -said: “Pardon me”; and he gaped immediately -after me and said: “Pardon me,” and -we went on talking. Finally he said: “Don’t -you think it’s a long gap between gaps?” I -said: “So it is.” Then, feeling one coming -on, I said: “Have a gap on me.” He said: -“Not on your life! The last one was on you; -have this one on me”—and I did.</p> - -<p class='c005'>I said: “It’s awfully slow here, isn’t it?” -“I should say it is,” he replied. I said: “Let’s -go home.” “I am home,” he said; “my wife -is giving this affair.”</p> - -<div class='figcenter id004'> -<img src='images/i05.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<div class='c005'> - <img class='drop-capi' src='images/i08.png' width='100' alt='' /> -</div><p class='drop-capi0_9'> -My mother-in-law is a lovely woman—at -least, that’s what my -wife tells me, anyway; so it -must be so. The old dame thinks -a great deal of me, too—in -fact, she’s always thinking of me, and she’s -not the little girl that’s afraid to tell me -<span class='pageno' id='Page_20'>20</span>what she’s thinking, either. My! but my -left ear is burning!</p> - -<p class='c005'>We came near losing her the other day—unintentionally -on our part, too, because -you couldn’t lose her if you tried.</p> - -<p class='c005'>It happened in this way: We have a large, -old-fashioned clock hanging in the hall. It’s -a massive affair and weighs quite a bit. Well, -we were all surprised to hear a terrible crash, -which was caused by the clock falling from -its place on the wall and breaking in a thousand -pieces.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Now my mother-in-law figures in the story -in this way: She had been standing right underneath -that clock only two minutes before -it fell—and had walked away.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Of course, I was awfully sorry—to lose -the clock, as it had been in our family for -generations back, and in all those years it -had kept good time up until the time it fell—and -then it was ONLY TWO MINUTES -SLOW.</p> - -<div class='figcenter id003'> -<img src='images/i09.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -<div class='ic003'> -<p>Only two minutes slow</p> -</div> -</div> - -<div class='figcenter id004'> -<img src='images/i05.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>I was walking along the street the other day -when a tramp walked up and touched me on -the arm. He said: “Pardon me, but I have -<span class='pageno' id='Page_22'>22</span>seen better days.” I said: “So have I. I -can remember back when such awful weather -as this was unknown.”</p> - -<div class='figcenter id003'> -<img src='images/i11.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -<div class='ic003'> -<p>A tramp touched me on the arm</p> -</div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>I said: “So long,” and started to walk -away, but little Willie was right there. -“Excuse me,” he said, “but will you give -me five cents for a bite to eat?” I said: -“A bite! what good is a bite? If you had -a meal for sale I might talk business to you.”</p> - -<div class='figcenter id004'> -<img src='images/i05.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<div class='c005'> - <img class='drop-capi' src='images/i10.png' width='100' alt='' /> -</div><p class='drop-capi0_9'> -Of all the narrow escapes from -death I ever witnessed I think -the one that I saw to-day was -nothing short of a miracle. I -was walking along Broadway -[substitute local street] when my attention -was attracted to a man standing on a scaffold -painting an advertising sign on the fourth -story of a building. It made me feel dizzy -to look up at him. He worked away, seemingly -unconscious of his dangerous position.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Suddenly I noticed him stagger; he made a -grab for one of the ropes to protect himself, -but missed it. I closed my eyes in horror -<span class='pageno' id='Page_25'>25</span>as I saw him fall—the blood seemed to -freeze in my very veins—I felt faint.</p> - -<div class='figcenter id003'> -<img src='images/i12.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -<div class='ic003'> -<p>I closed my eyes in horror</p> -</div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>I could stand the suspense no longer. I -opened my eyes, but all seemed blurred -before them. “Is he dead?” I asked of a -man standing by my side. “No; he’s all -right,” the man answered. “But he fell, -didn’t he?” I cried. “O, yes, he fell all -right,” he said; “but he landed on a bunch -of rubber-necks and bounced back on the -scaffold again.”</p> - -<div class='figcenter id004'> -<img src='images/i05.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<div class='c005'> - <img class='drop-capi' src='images/i13.png' width='100' alt='' /> -</div><p class='drop-capi0_9'> -Wishing to make the jump from -New York to Chicago a few -weeks ago, I called on a friend -of mine who stands pretty well -with one of the officials of a -certain railroad. I asked my friend if he -thought he could get me a rate over that -line, and he promised to see what he could -do for me.</p> - -<p class='c005'>He said: “I’ll go right down, and if I can -possibly get you a rate I’ll send word up to -your hotel.” I said: “All right, old man; -I’ll appreciate it very much.”</p> - -<p class='c005'><span class='pageno' id='Page_26'>26</span>After waiting around the hotel for about -an hour I recollected that I had a little business -to transact down town, and I thought -I’d have time to attend to it and get back to -my hotel before the message arrived concerning -the rate. So I bought a newspaper and -jumped on a down-town car.</p> - -<p class='c005'>I had scarcely rode over four or five blocks -when the conductor came by and shook me -roughly by the arm and said, in a rough, -surly manner: “Hey, you! Did you expectorate? -[Expect a rate.] Now don’t sit there -and tell me that you didn’t,” he added, “for -I know you did.”</p> - -<div class='figcenter id003'> -<img src='images/i14.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -<div class='ic003'> -<p>“Hey, you! did you expectorate?”</p> -</div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>I was on my feet in an instant. “Why, -you little insignificant, illiterate collector of -plugged coins and dispenser of pennies!” I -cried. “What do you mean by insulting me -before this car full of people? Yes,” I said, -“I did expect a rate, but that’s my affair. -It’s none of your confounded business, nor -anyone else’s, if I expect a pass! What I -expect and what I don’t expect concern me -alone!”</p> - -<p class='c005'>“O, is that so?” he sneered. “You’re -going to bluff me—that’s what you expect. -<span class='pageno' id='Page_28'>28</span>Now here’s what you don’t expect”—and -he called a policeman and had me arrested for -spitting on the floor of the car.</p> - -<div class='figcenter id004'> -<img src='images/i05.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<div class='c005'> - <img class='drop-capi' src='images/i15.png' width='100' alt='' /> -</div><p class='drop-capi0_9'> -Did you ever have the toothache? -My! but isn’t it a great thing -to make you forget all your -other troubles? I had the toothache -the other night, and it -nearly had me wild. I wouldn’t have minded -being awakened by the tooth so much, but -it was the nerve of the thing that struck me—and -it struck me properly.</p> - -<p class='c005'>I jumped up, dressed myself and dashed -over to the dentist’s. I said: “Doc, you -argue with it, will you—you’ve got more -of a pull than I have.”</p> - -<div class='figcenter id003'> -<img src='images/i16.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -<div class='ic003'> -<p>Dashed over to the dentist’s</p> -</div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>Then after he had it out he showed it to -me, and I was surprised to think that such a -tiny thing could make a person act so foolishly.</p> - -<p class='c005'>But I wasn’t the only one in misery, for -there was a lady that came in shortly after I, -and her jaw was swollen out like that. -[Measure.] The doctor looked in her mouth -<span class='pageno' id='Page_30'>30</span>and said: “My dear madam, you have evidently -made a mistake—this is a dental office, -not a quarry. You’ll have to take that to -some place where they blast rock.”</p> - -<div class='figcenter id004'> -<img src='images/i05.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>I went into a cigar-store the other day, and -walking up to the counter I said to the proprietor: -“Let me have a Childs cigar.” -“Pardon me, sir,” he said; “but what did -you say you wanted?” “A Childs cigar, if -you please,” I replied. “A child’s cigar? I -am very sorry,” he said; “but we are not -allowed to sell a child a cigar—but if a cinnamon -cigarette will do you any good I can -sell you one of those.”</p> - -<div class='figcenter id003'> -<img src='images/i18.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -<div class='ic003'> -<p>“Let me have a Childs cigar”</p> -</div> -</div> - -<div class='figcenter id004'> -<img src='images/i05.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<div class='c005'> - <img class='drop-capi' src='images/i17.png' width='100' alt='' /> -</div><p class='drop-capi0_9'> -I had a friend once that suffered -terribly from a half-dozen different -complaints. He woke -up in the middle of the night -once, and he didn’t know what -ached him the most—the cold that had settled -on his chest, his liver that was out of -<span class='pageno' id='Page_32'>32</span>order, or the corn that he had on his little -toe.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Anyway he got up, dressed himself and -woke the druggist up to fix him some medicine -that would give him some relief. The -druggist fixed him up a powerful liniment, -some pills and a corn-plaster, saying: “Rub -your chest with the liniment for your cold, -swallow the pills for your liver and use the -corn-plaster for your toe.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>My friend kept repeating this to himself -all the way back home, but when he got -there he was all puzzled up. He stuck the -corn-plaster on his chest, swallowed the liniment -and tied the pills on his corn.</p> - -<p class='c005'>After that, he never suffered any more -pain—he died without a struggle.</p> - -<div class='figcenter id004'> -<img src='images/i05.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<div class='c005'> - <img class='drop-capi' src='images/i19.png' width='100' alt='' /> -</div><p class='drop-capi0_9'> -Isn’t it strange the funny things -a man will run into? Now I -ran into a well-known comedian -this morning. I got an -awful bump, too—it cost me -a V. Have you ever noticed that an actor -whom nature has best fitted for comedy invariably -<span class='pageno' id='Page_33'>33</span>wants to break into the legit., and -vice versa?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Now, for instance, the man that I met this -morning is doing comedy, while every one -that knows him will tell you that he is at -his best in “touching” scenes. He can get -my testimonial any old time.</p> - -<div class='figcenter id004'> -<img src='images/i05.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>Do you know a woman can’t stand flattery? -It’s a fact. Now I went home the -other evening, and, seeing my wife so earnestly -engaged with the housework I could -not refrain from commenting on it. I said: -“Why, my dear, you’re as busy as a bee”—and -the next day she got all jollied up and -broke out with the hives.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>By E. P. Moran</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='figcenter id003'> -<img src='images/i20.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> - -<div class='c013'> - <img class='drop-capi' src='images/i21.png' width='100' alt='' /> -</div><p class='drop-capi0_9'> -<span class='pageno' id='Page_34'>34</span>There seems to be a lot of talk -about woman suffrage going -on lately. It’s in reference to -giving women the same right -to vote that men have. Some -men are in favor of it, while others are not; -but, strange to say, the politicians to a man -are against giving woman the right to vote, -and I’ll tell you why.</p> - -<p class='c005'>A politician can get up in front of a gathering -of men, throw out his chest and exclaim: -“I am man’s greatest friend”—and -they’ll believe him. But can that man get -up before a crowd of women and say: “I am -woman’s greatest friend”?</p> - -<div class='figcenter id003'> -<img src='images/i22.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -<div class='ic003'> -<p>“I am man’s greatest friend”</p> -</div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>No, sir—not on your life! They wouldn’t -believe him—not while there is a bottle of -Lydia Pinkham’s Vegetable Compound on -the market!</p> - -<div class='figcenter id004'> -<img src='images/i05.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>In front of the office of the New York -Journal [name local paper] on last election -night, a tremendous crowd had gathered. -They pushed and squeezed each other in -order to get a look at the election returns -<span class='pageno' id='Page_36'>36</span>that were being shown by the stereopticon. -An old maid passed that way, and wishing to -continue on down the street she said to a police -officer standing there: “Officer, can I -get through that crowd?”</p> - -<div class='figcenter id003'> -<img src='images/i24.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -<div class='ic003'> -<p>“Officer, can I get thru that crowd?”</p> -</div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>He looked at her a moment and said: -“Lady, if you attempt to go through that -crowd you’ll be squeezed ’most to death.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>A bright smile overspread her antique -countenance as she looked up at him and -said: “O, I’m not afraid to die!” Then she -jumped into the crowd.</p> - -<div class='figcenter id004'> -<img src='images/i05.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<div class='c005'> - <img class='drop-capi' src='images/i23.png' width='100' alt='' /> -</div><p class='drop-capi0_9'> -In a small town in New England, -where the laws against prize-fighting -are very strict, an -ambitious youth by the name -of Green was caught training -for a fight. He was arrested and brought -before the Judge, who said: “Mr. Green, -you are charged with violating the law by -training for a prize-fight; have you anything -to say in your defense?”</p> - -<p class='c005'>“Well, your honor,” said Green, “is it -against the law for a young lady to put on -<span class='pageno' id='Page_38'>38</span>a corset?” “No,” replied the Judge, “it is -not.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>“Then, your honor,” said Green, “I ask to -be discharged, as there is no difference -between a fighter training for a fight and a -young woman putting on her corsets—they -are both getting into shape.”</p> - -<div class='figcenter id003'> -<img src='images/i26.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -<div class='ic003'> -<p>“I ask to be discharged”</p> -</div> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>By Joseph Horrigan</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='figcenter id003'> -<img src='images/i25.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> - -<div class='lg-container-b c003'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>Now the thing we call love is like lager beer,</div> - <div class='line'>Only good when it’s fresh on tap, I fear.</div> - <div class='line'>Out of cut-glass and silver of course it’s nice,</div> - <div class='line'>If you can afford it and have the price;</div> - <div class='line'>But you’ll find any day when your purse is small</div> - <div class='line'>That from pewter it’s better than no beer at all.</div> - <div class='line'>The one thing important, and this is no “con,”</div> - <div class='line'>Is to get your drink quick, while the thirst is on.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_40'>40</span> - <h2 class='c010'><i>The</i> Man from<br />Squashopolis</h2> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c011'> - <div>By Harry L. Newton</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='lg-container-l c014'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>[Copyright MCMIII by Will Rossiter]</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='c004'> - <img class='drop-capi' src='images/i27.png' width='100' alt='' /> -</div><p class='drop-capi0_9'> -Ladies and gentlemen, and those -that are sitting in the boxes, -and you, too, orchestra, you’ll -pardon me if I hesitate for a moment, -but I’ve just returned -from a very long walk. All the way from -Squashopolis, b’gosh! I think that was the -name of the town where our show closed. -We say “Closed,” you see. You know when -a saloon-keeper or a bank, or a chop-suey -restaurant, or an iceman, gives up business, -we say that the owner liquidated, or busted -up, or went to the devil, or it was a frost; -but a theatrical troupe always “closes.” It -sounds better, you know; just as if the manager -got tired taking in money and was hiding -some place so that no one could throw -any twenty-dollar gold-pieces at him.</p> - -<p class='c005'><span class='pageno' id='Page_41'>41</span>But Squashopolis is a great town! Ever -heard of Squashopolis? No? Why, it’s right -between Pumpkinhollow and Spinachville. -Squashopolis is the largest town on the map. -You see it was this way: The mayor and the -fire-department and the postmaster—that is, -the fellow that ran the saloon—bought a -map of Indiana to find out where they were -at, and finding that the man who wrote the -map had made a mistake and overlooked the -flourishing town of Squashopolis, the mayor -and the fire-department, etc., of the aforesaid -town betook themselves to the pen and -ink and placed Squashopolis upon the map in -a manner calculated to give their beloved -town its due importance and dignity; and -that is how Squashopolis became the largest -town on the map. The census of the village—I -took it myself—revealed the fact that -its population consists of one saloon and -three dogs. You see the town has gone to -the dogs. I asked the man at the railroad -station where I could find the mayor. He -said: “Why, the mayor’s left and gone to -the Klondike.” “How’d that happen?” He -<span class='pageno' id='Page_42'>42</span>said: “Why, money makes the mayor go.” -Well, I’ll sing you a sing.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>[<span class='sc'>Introduce Song</span>]</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>Well, I see that I’ve come out of that -alive; now I’ll hand you some more. Now, -in all my adventures on land or sea, and I’ve -often been at sea as to where I was going to -land (you never can tell in this business), in -all my travels the saddest event in my career -occurred the other day. I was invited -to a swell dinner party—you know, a handful -of lettuce and a cup of coffee; they’re something -fierce; you all know how they are—maybe.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Well, as soon as I got through my turn I -left the theater prepared for a long walk, as -it was some distance from—pay-day. I -stepped into the alley—you know they always -dump us into the alley when they get -through with us (they dump everything into -the alley—actors, ashes, everything), then -you have to sneak your way between the -piles. Why, it, was only last night that I -fell in a heap.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Well, right on the corner of the alley I -<span class='pageno' id='Page_43'>43</span>noticed a man posting some bills. I said: -“See here! Don’t post any bills there.” -He says: “Why not?” I said: “Don’t you -see that sign: ‘Post no bills under penalty’?” -“Well, you big lobster,” said he, “don’t -you see I’m posting them over penalty?”</p> - -<p class='c005'>Now that man was in the wrong business. -I said to him: “What are you posting those -bills for?” He says: “Why, don’t you see? -Them are pictures of Richard Mansfield. He -said if I’d stick these pictures up for him he’d -buy the drinks.” I said: “O, I see; you’re -sticking him for the drinks.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>I just reached the sidewalk when I was approached -by a tramp; no, not an actor, but -a decent, hard-working tramp. Yes, a hard-working -tramp; I know he worked me hard -enough. He was one of those fellows who -has a child and sixteen wives to support. He -said: “Friend, can you help a poor old slob -who has got money in the bank but don’t -know how to make out a check?” You -know I’m generous; I’ve never yet refused -any beggar who came to me and asked—for -a match. With tears in his voice he said: -“Say, mister, save me from a watery grave.” -<span class='pageno' id='Page_45'>45</span>“How’s that?” I asked. “Young fellow,” -he says, “if you don’t give me a quarter I’ll -have to work in a soap factory or jump in -the lake.” Well, I couldn’t help parting with -a week’s salary, so I gave him a quarter. -You know, somehow, he touched me. The -man was overjoyed. “Friend,” he says, -“you’ve saved my life. I don’t know how -to thank you. I feel as though I never could -repay you.” He never did.</p> - -<div class='figcenter id003'> -<img src='images/i28.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -<div class='ic003'> -<p>I was approached by a tramp.</p> -</div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>Talk about beggars! That night I met -them all. If there was any I missed they were -on a vacation. They all seemed to take to -me. They all seemed to keep in touch with -me, as it were. One man had nerve enough -to ask me for 19 cents to buy a shirtwaist. -I gave him the 19 and told him not to waste -it. Talk about begging! I asked one man -what he did for a living and he begged the -question. I asked: “Why don’t you go to -work?” He says: “I can’t; I’m a cripple.” -I says: “That’s a lame excuse.” “Well,” he -says, “you see I’m tongue-tied and I can’t -do a lick of work.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>Then a young worried woman—I mean -married woman—stopped and said: “Excuse -<span class='pageno' id='Page_46'>46</span>me, sir, but I’m in such trouble. My husband -gave me sixty cents to go down to the -Boston Store and buy some radishes and a -new folding-bed, and I forgot myself and -thought that I was single and spent the -money for a bunch of Allegretti’s; and now -I haven’t any money to buy the radishes, and -I don’t know how in the world to get home.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>I always did pity a woman in distress so I -showed her the way. Then a man came up -to me and said—well, before he could say -anything I asked him: “Well, what is it? -Radishes or a folding-bed?” He says: “I -don’t understand you. I wanted information -as to where [local street] is.” “O,” I said, -“you want information? I thought you -wanted a nickel.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>The doctors say that begging is a disease, -and I notice everybody has a “touch” of it. -Why, I believe there are more beggars in this -town than there are prohibitionists in Milwaukee. -Why, all the boxers in China are a -Sweet Caporal guard along side the soldiers -of misfortune I met that night. I made a -detour around the courthouse to avoid their -left flank, but I was confronted by the enemy’s -<span class='pageno' id='Page_47'>47</span>center, which advanced toward me and -occupied a strong position on [local street.]</p> - -<p class='c005'>They were commanded by a blind man with -a picture of his finish on a sixteen-inch hand-organ. -With this he was doing great execution—to -the music. Among the wounded -were the “Wild Irish Rose,” “She Is a Sensible -Girl,” “My Rainbow Coon,” “Whistling -Rufus” and a “Bird in a Gilded Cage.” “The -Georgia Camp-Meeting” was also badly broken -up.</p> - -<p class='c005'>My retreat being cut off by their right -flank, which moved around to cop me at -[local store] kopje, I decided to cut my way -through the center and encounter the enemy -en masse, en massay, en massee—well, in -great big juicy bunches.</p> - -<p class='c005'>One of the enemy approached me; as [local -writer] would say, he was brimful of the -bibulous effervescence of concentrated outpourings -of the intellectual excrescences resulting -from the imbibition of infinitesimal—well, -he was drunk. He started a spirited -argument with me. I scented trouble, and -observing trouble—I mean a copper—I gave -him a cent. He gave me several scents and I -<span class='pageno' id='Page_48'>48</span>almost lost my senses. He tried to thank -me but I told him not to breathe a word of -it.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Then a deah little child came up to mah and -spoke to mah. She said she was a long way -from home. Her aunt had given her three -cents to chase herself to the parental roof—to -ride home on—and she lost the money. -Seeing she was but a little child (under 12 -years), I thought it was only half fare, so I -put her on the car.</p> - -<p class='c005'>At this point the organ-grinder with a -monkey began a disturbance on the corner. -One man declared he ought to be “pinched.” -I said: “Certainly not.” He asked: “Why -not?” I said: “He is a human being and has -a perfect right to use his own organ.” He -says: “Yes, as long as he doesn’t monkey -with anybody else’s.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>I will now beg leave to change the subject, -and tell you about the dinner party I mentioned -seven minutes ago. Well, no sooner -had I arrived at my destination than I was -greeted by the hostess, who said: “Why, -how do you do? Won’t you recite something?” -You know they think an actor is -<span class='pageno' id='Page_49'>49</span>just like a slot-machine. You throw in a -meal and out comes a stunt. Well, I didn’t -like the meal very well, so I sung them a -song.</p> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> -<div class='chapter'> - <h2 class='c010'><i>The</i> Pacific Slop</h2> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c011'> - <div>By Harry L. Newton</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='lg-container-l c014'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>[Copyright MCMIII by Will Rossiter]</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='c004'> - <img class='drop-capi' src='images/i29.png' width='100' alt='' /> -</div><p class='drop-capi0_9'> -I have just returned from the Pacific -slip—slop—slope, I meant -to say. Excuse the slop—I -mean the slip of the tongue. I -say “returned,” but I didn’t -say in what way. That’s a long walk—I -mean talk—I should say story. That slip—slop—slope -has got me sloppy—slippy—twisted, -I mean.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Well, while on the slip—slop—slippery -slope, I slopped—slipped in love. I fell in -love from slipping on the sloppy slope. I -came pretty near getting a life sentence—married, -I mean; it’s the same thing. The girl -I loved was a brunette by birth. You know -some are brunettes by accident; this girl was -<span class='pageno' id='Page_50'>50</span>born that way. I don’t like brunettes. I like -the blondes. This girl from the slope was a -slippery—slobbery—slobby—I mean nobby—girl -and was deeply infatuated with me. -She would do anybody, anything for me. -She declared she would die for me—and she -did. That’s how she’s a blonde now.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Her father was a doctor—a “cure-all.” He -claimed he could cure anything. When he -found out I loved his daughter he tried to -cure my love for her. He gave me a prescription. -His specialty was rejections—injections, -I mean. So he injected a load of -buckshot into my frame. He said I needed -something to increase my weight, so he -filled me with lead.</p> - -<p class='c005'>The prescription was a good one, though. -If they hadn’t called in another doctor to -pick out the shot, my love would have certainly -proved fatal. They took me to a -horse-pistol—I mean a hospital. While I -was filled with lead the boys used to come in -and borrow me to go fishing with. They -used me for a stinker—I mean a sinker. One -day I asked the nurse how much longer I was -going to be laid up and used for a sinker and -<span class='pageno' id='Page_51'>51</span>she said I’d be well enough to leave just as -soon as the fish quit biting. They couldn’t -find all the shot that the prescription called -for, so I had to leave the hospital “half-shot.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>Well, I finally did a slide from the slope and -came east by way of the Northern Precipitate—Northern -Pacific, I should say.</p> - -<p class='c005'>We started a game of poker on the train. -I lost thirty dollars. When the train was -twenty miles out I was thirty dollars out. I -didn’t have a cent left. The conductor -asked me for my fare and just then the train -stopped. One of the passengers called to the -conductor and said: “What’s the matter? -Anything broke?” The conductor said; -“Yes, one of the passengers.” Then the -conductor asked me if I could fix the “break.” -I couldn’t, so I got off.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Then the conductor began to kick about -having to stop the train, and I was the receiver -for his kicks. They came so fast I -couldn’t stop them all. I do hate to feel—hear -a man kick against little things. It -wasn’t fair—or rather it was fare—that is, -I didn’t have the fare. But anyhow it made -<span class='pageno' id='Page_52'>52</span>me sore. I wouldn’t get back on his old -train.</p> - -<p class='c005'>After I had collected my thoughts and the -other parts of my anatomy, I found I was -several parts of anatomy shy; so I went up -to the conductor and I asked him if he had -any old anatomy of mine hanging to him; -that is, if I had anything coming that I had -not got. He raised his foot—his large, -massive right foot. I looked at it. It was -too large for me; it wasn’t my size. I knew -as soon as I looked at it it wouldn’t fit me, -so I began to wend my way. I found it was -cheaper to wend my way than to pay my -way.</p> - -<p class='c005'>When I got to the next station I went into -a balloon—I mean salome—so long—saloon; -I always did forget that word. Well, -on the wall was one of those strong—wrong -long-distance telephones—nickel-in-the-slit—slop—slap—slot -machine. I thought I’d -call up the doctor and tell him what I thought -of him. I didn’t think much of him—only -about five cents’ worth.</p> - -<p class='c005'>So I slipped up to the slot and slipped a -nickel in the slot to get a connection with -<span class='pageno' id='Page_53'>53</span>the slope I had just slipped from. Just then -the keeper of the life-shaving—life-saving -station, the bar-slender—sender—tender, -asked me what I wanted; I said I thought I’d -take a gee whiz—a ginfizz. He said I had -another thunk coming, so I told him I would -take a glass of Schlitz before I heard from -the slope. So I slanted a glass of Schlitz in -the slot in my face and slowly sopped—sipped -the Schlitz. Just then the telephone-bell -rang; I went to the rang and rung the -ring.</p> - -<p class='c005'>The doctor says: “Who are you?” I says: -“I’m the fellow that took your prescription.” -He says: “Well, what are you calling -me up for?” I says: “I ain’t calling -you up; I’m calling you down.” He says: -“I think you sloped from the slope with my -child, you slob, and if ever I see you again -I’ll puncture your——”</p> - -<p class='c005'>Just then the barfender—bender—lender—tender -asked me to have another Schlitz, -so I dropped the fender—the sender to sip -the Schlitz. Just as I sized up the Schlitz to -seize it the bartender told me to settle for -the last Schlitz. I couldn’t settle, so the bartender -<span class='pageno' id='Page_54'>54</span>settled me. He gave me a sassy slap -in the slats and spilled all the Schlitz that I -had sipped.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Then I got desperate and commenced dropping -nickels in the Schlitz and Schlitzes in the -slots, then I got some more slaps in the slats; -the doctor was trying to call me and I was -calling the bartender—something I can’t repeat -here, and—well, I finally got out and -after a while, about thirty days after, I -reached home—my old home. My father -and mother said it was the home of my birth. -Well, if “my birth” owned that home he -never got any rent for it. The first person -I met was a girl. Of course I met three politicians; -but she was the first person. She -was a singular person; she was the first person -singular—singular because she wasn’t -married. But that wasn’t so singular, because -she was born with only one good eye. -In the other one she got in a crockery store—kind -of a bum pair of lamps.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Then one day she had the misfortune to be -walking on a railroad track and she met a -train—that, is, the train met her. Of course, -there was no regular introduction; they -<span class='pageno' id='Page_55'>55</span>just came together as people and trains will. -Well, the train met her and now she’s got a -cork—she’s got a corker. [Slap leg with -hand.] Well, as I say, I met the corker—I -mean the girl—and she told me she was engaged -to be led to the slaughter—I mean sled -to the halter—I mean led to the altar; going -to be murdered—married; and she invited -me to bring presents—I mean to be present -at the wedding.</p> - -<p class='c005'>There wasn’t many people knew she had a -corker. The fellow that was going to board -her for life didn’t know she had a corker, -either. The day before the wedding the gloom—that -is, the groom—you know, the fellow -that was going to marry the corker—I mean -the girl—well, he was kind of a diffident fellow; -he asked me to go to the parsley—the -parsnips—the parson with him, and I went -with the victim.</p> - -<p class='c005'>The parson charged him $5.00 to tie the -connubial nit—the connubial knot. The parson -said: “My dear sir; I will charge you -$5.00 to set you sailing on the sea of matrimony.” -My friend said: “Well, what’ll -you charge for a round-trip ticket?” You -<span class='pageno' id='Page_56'>56</span>see he didn’t know about the corker, but he -was a corker. He says: “I’ll save you $4.00 -to tie the conjugal knit-knot”—not knit -but knot. But the parson refused. He said: -“$5.00 or knot—nit.” The parson would -not take any less than $5.00 for the imposition—the -operation. He belonged to the -“union.” So my friend that was engaged -to the corker paid him the flea—the fee to -knit the knot—I mean tie the knot. Well, -the next day we all went to the church to -see the fight—the wedding.</p> - -<p class='c005'>The young couple stood up in front of the -parson and the parson opened a jackpot—I -mean the Bible, looked all around the church -and said: “Is there anybody here to give the -bride away?” I jumped up and said: “Yes, I -can, but I won’t!”</p> - -<p class='c005'>Then the queer—I mean the choir sang -queer—that is, the queer choir sang “Take -Me Just as I Am.” And the young fellow -did. Of course, he didn’t know anything -about the corker until——</p> - -<p class='c005'>Well, an old woman, 78 or 48, who lived -in the town died one day. Of course, that -isn’t strange, because old women die every -<span class='pageno' id='Page_57'>57</span>day. But this particular old lady—but she -couldn’t have been particular, either, or she -wouldn’t have died. But anyhow she died, -with a will, or against her will; that is, she -had a will or left a will when she died. In -the will she bequeathed to the corker—I -mean the girl who married the fellow that -didn’t know she had a corker—she bequeathed -to her an old arm-chair.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Everybody gave the young couple the -horse-laugh, but the young fellow took the -old arm-chair home and put it in the house -along with the glass eye and the corker. A -few days after that they sat down to the -breakfast-table—the fellow, the glass eye, -the arm-chair and the corker—and while sitting -at breakfast, talking over their cocoa, -the husband said something over his cocoa, -and then the wife said something over her -cocoa, and they got into an argument over -their cocoa, and finally he picked up the old -arm-chair, over his cocoa, and passed it to -his wife, over her cocoa, and broke it all to -pieces—not the cocoa, but the old arm-chair. -The old arm-chair was smashed all to -pieces and out rolled fifteen million dollars -<span class='pageno' id='Page_59'>59</span>in gold bull-con—bull-coin—gold bullion. -You see, this wise old lady knew that the -husband would break the old chair over his -wife’s cocoa when he found she had a——</p> - -<div class='figcenter id003'> -<img src='images/i30.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -<div class='ic003'> -<p>Out rolled fifteen million dollars in gold</p> -</div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>Well, the result was a divorce, and naturally -the fellow that married the remnant—the -girl—came to me, as I had been present -at the execution—at the wedding—and he -naturally looked upon me as a confidence -man—as a confidant—and he asked me my -advice.</p> - -<p class='c005'>You see the corker’s brother, a big fellow -that weighed about two hundred and looked -it, had taken offense at the sister’s husband -talking about family secrets and was out -looking for trouble. So when the husband -came to me for advice I told him to challenge -the brother to a duel. He said he didn’t -know anything about a duel. So I told him -to go get a pair of gloves, go up to the brother -and slap him in the face with the gloves.</p> - -<p class='c005'>The next day the young fellow got a pair -of gloves, went up to the big brother and -slapped him in the face with the gloves. Then -he came back to report to me. I says: -“Well, did you get the gloves?” He says: -<span class='pageno' id='Page_60'>60</span>“Yes.” I says: “What did you do after -you got the gloves?” He says: “I did just -what you told me to do. I took the gloves -in my hand and went up to the big guy and -slapped him in the face with the gloves.” I -says: “Well, what did he do?” He says: -“He knocked me down and took the gloves -away from me.”</p> - -<div class='figcenter id003'> -<img src='images/i31.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> -<div class='chapter'> - <h2 class='c010'>WOULDN’T GOLF DIALECT DO?</h2> -</div> - -<div class='c004'> - <img class='drop-capi' src='images/i32.png' width='100' alt='' /> -</div><p class='drop-capi0_9'> -You’ve heard about the deacon, -haven’t you? Deacon Jones? -No? Well, well! I thought you -had. The deacon went up to -our minister one Sunday afternoon and -told him he was looking for advice. -The reverend gentleman desired to know on -what particular subject he required advice.</p> - -<p class='c005'>“I’ve taken to playing golf,” explained the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_61'>61</span>other, “and I—er—I find it difficult to restrain—er——”</p> - -<p class='c005'>“Ah, I see what you mean,” said the minister—“bad -language.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>“Exactly,” replied the pillar of the church.</p> - -<p class='c005'>“Well, how would it be to put a stone in -your pocket every time you found yourself -using a wrong word, just as a reminder, you -know?”</p> - -<p class='c005'>“The very thing!” exclaimed the deacon; -“thank you so much!” and departed.</p> - -<p class='c005'>A few days later the worthy cleric was -passing along the road which led to the links, -when he met an individual whose clothes -stuck out all over, with great, knobby lumps.</p> - -<p class='c005'>“Gracious me, Mr. Bagshawe!” he cried, -as the object approached nearer, “is that -really you?”</p> - -<p class='c005'>“Yes, it’s me,” grunted the voice of the -deacon.</p> - -<p class='c005'>“Why, you don’t mean—surely all those -are not the result of my suggestion?” continued -the horrified parson, gazing at the -telltale bulges.</p> - -<p class='c005'>“These!” snorted the other contemptuously; -“why, these are only the ‘dash its.’ -<span class='pageno' id='Page_62'>62</span>The others are coming along on a wheel-barrow.”</p> - -<div class='figcenter id004'> -<img src='images/i05.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> - -<div class='c013'> - <img class='drop-capi' src='images/i33.png' width='100' alt='' /> -</div><p class='drop-capi0_9'> -When I was out West I saw two -miners playing cards in a place -called Toughnut Cafe. They -finally found their amusement -rather a dull one, for neither -could overreach the other. At last one of -the precious pair pushed his chair back, arose, -and said:</p> - -<p class='c005'>“I’m tired of this; let’s have a change—I’ll -jest bet yer a even thousand that I kin -take them keerds and cut the jack o’ hearts -the very fust time.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>“I’ll take yer,” replied the other, a very -quiet fellow.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Stakes were deposited with an onlooker, -and a pack of cards was produced and laid on -the table between the gamblers. The layer of -the bet thereupon drew his bowie-knife and -neatly sliced the cards in two from top to -bottom.</p> - -<p class='c005'>“Thar,” said he, “I cut the jack o’ hearts -the fust time, mister, an’ I reckon I’ll freeze -<span class='pageno' id='Page_63'>63</span>on to that thar cash. Fork her over, mister. -The agreement was that I were to cut the -jack the fust time, an’ I done it. I cut it, -didn’t I?”</p> - -<p class='c005'>“Wal, no,” said the other, “I rayther think -not, for th’ jack were not there. Yer see, -stranger, I thought it wiser, under the circumstances, -to take the precaution of placing -that there card up my sleeve!”</p> - -<div class='figcenter id004'> -<img src='images/i05.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<div class='c005'> - <img class='drop-capi' src='images/i34.png' width='100' alt='' /> -</div><p class='drop-capi0_9'> -Jap Johnson told me that! The -greatest man to jump into a -town and get acquainted with -folks I ever saw, Jap was. Give -Jap a night and a day in a -country place and everybody there would -call him by his first name, and he’d call -everybody the same way, even the girls. In -forty-eight hours he’d know every man, -woman, child, horse, dog and cat in the -town, and could tell who married who, who -got drunk once in a while, and who had fits -or rheumatics. Give him three days in a -town and he’d have every bit of the gossip -<span class='pageno' id='Page_64'>64</span>and old, musty scandals that ever went over -the back fences of that town. He was a -wonderful man, Jap was, and he could sell -goods like a house afire.</p> - -<p class='c005'>The biggest thing he ever did, though, was -about four years ago. He had four hours to -spend in a little town out west. In that -time he sold two bales of goods, was invited -to dinner by the mayor, decided four bets, -was referee in a dog-fight, proposed marriage -and was accepted by the belle of the -place, borrowed ten dollars from her pa, beat -another man two games of billiards, and, it -happening to be election day, he capped the -whole by sailing in and having himself elected -town clerk by a majority of eleven votes.</p> - -<div class='figcenter id004'> -<img src='images/i05.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> -<div class='chapter'> - <h2 class='c010'>HAPPENINGS IN KEROSENELAMPVILLE</h2> -</div> - -<div class='c004'> - <img class='drop-capi' src='images/i35.png' width='100' alt='' /> -</div><p class='drop-capi0_9'> -Did you see me this morning? My -cousin Silas was with me! He’s -a good fellow, Silas is! Deacon -of the church in Kerosenelampville! -Ever been there? If -you haven’t you’ve missed a lot—of trouble. -I took Silas up to our club one afternoon -<span class='pageno' id='Page_65'>65</span>and when he saw Billy Smith and Chris -Lane playing chess he ventured to interrupt -the game.</p> - -<p class='c005'>“Excuse me,” he said, “but the object of -both of you is to git them wooden things -from where they are over to where they -ain’t?”</p> - -<p class='c005'>“That partly expresses it,” replied Chris.</p> - -<p class='c005'>“An’ you’ve got to be continually on the -lookout fer surprises an’ difficulties?”</p> - -<p class='c005'>“Constantly.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>“And if you ain’t mighty careful you’re -going to lose some on ’em?”</p> - -<p class='c005'>“Yes.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>“An’ then there’s that other game I see -some of you dress up odd for, an’ play with -long sticks an’ a little ball.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>“You mean golf?”</p> - -<p class='c005'>“That’s what I mean. Is that game amusin’?”</p> - -<p class='c005'>“It’s interesting, and the exercise is beneficial.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>“Well, I reckon it’s a mighty good joke.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>“To what do you refer?”</p> - -<p class='c005'>“The way I’ve been havin’ fun without -knowing anything about it. If you young -<span class='pageno' id='Page_66'>66</span>gentlemen want to reely enjoy yourselves, -you come over to my farm an’ git me to let -you drive pigs. You’ll git all the walkin’ -you want, an’ the way you have to watch -for surprises, an’ slip about so’s not to lose -’em, would tickle you nearly to death.”</p> - -<div class='figcenter id004'> -<img src='images/i05.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>One day an artist ambulated into Kerosenelampville, -and Silas asked him:</p> - -<p class='c005'>“How much’ll you charge to paint my -house with me a-standin’ in the door?”</p> - -<p class='c005'>The artist said fifty dollars, and Silas told -him to go ahead with the work.</p> - -<p class='c005'>In due course the painting was finished. -But, alas! the careless artist clean forgot -to paint my cousin on the picture.</p> - -<p class='c005'>“I like it,” said Silas; “but where’s me, -lad—where’s me?”</p> - -<p class='c005'>The error he had made flashed across the -artist, but he tried to pass it off with a joke. -“O,” he said, “you’ve gone inside to get -my fifty dollars.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>“O, have I?” said Silas; “p’r’aps I’ll be -coomin’ out soon, and if I dew I’ll pay you; -in t’ meantime we’ll hang it up and wait.”</p> - -<p class='c005'><span class='pageno' id='Page_67'>67</span>Just as I had entered a barber’s shop to-day -and was hanging my top-piece on a nail, a -290-pounder rushed in and said to the only -other man in the place—a fellow with his -coat and vest off and an apron tied around -his waist:</p> - -<p class='c005'>“I want my hair cut, and no talk.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>“The——” began the man in the apron.</p> - -<p class='c005'>“No talk, I tell you!” shouted the heavy -man. “Just a plain hair-cut. I’ve read all -the papers and don’t want any news. Start -away now.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>The man in the apron obeyed.</p> - -<p class='c005'>When he had finished, the man who knew -everything rose from his chair and surveyed -himself in the glass.</p> - -<p class='c005'>“Great Scott!” he exclaimed. “It’s really -true, then? You barbers can’t do your work -properly unless you talk.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>“I don’t know,” said the man in the apron, -quietly. “You must ask the barber. He’ll -be in presently. I’m the glazier from next -door.”</p> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_68'>68</span> - <h2 class='c010'>Bits of Verse & Prose</h2> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c011'> - <div>By Edwards & Ronney</div> - </div> -</div> - -<h3 class='c015'>LOVE’S WONDERMENT</h3> - -<div class='lg-container-b c000'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>I loved a maiden fair as dewy morn;</div> - <div class='line in2'>She was not lean, nor was she stout;</div> - <div class='line'>And as we spooned the livelong day</div> - <div class='line in2'>I wondered how ’twould all turn out;</div> - <div class='line'>And the sun went up in the azure sky,</div> - <div class='line in2'>And the sun went down as she and me</div> - <div class='line'>Sat all the time and wondered why,</div> - <div class='line in2'>And questioned what the end might be.</div> - </div> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>I’m married; my wonderment is o’er—</div> - <div class='line in2'>The future now is no longer hid;</div> - <div class='line'>For while my darling lays back to snore</div> - <div class='line in2'>I walk the floor with a howling kid;</div> - <div class='line'>And my son I raise from his little bed,</div> - <div class='line in2'>For he won’t stay there—not he;</div> - <div class='line'>And as my heel goes on a tack</div> - <div class='line in2'>I wonder what the end will be.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>If you are in need of a good smart bank -clerk go to Canada—the smartest ones have -gone over there.</p> - -<div> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_69'>69</span> - <h3 class='c015'>FOUND IN A COUNTRY GRAVE-YARD</h3> -</div> - -<div class='lg-container-b c000'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>Mary was healthy, Mary was young;</div> - <div class='line'>But Mary lies here, for she had but one lung.</div> - </div> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>She talked all her life till she died with lockjaw;</div> - <div class='line'>I now rest in peace—she was my mother-in-law.</div> - </div> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>The grass is green, the rose is red,</div> - <div class='line'>But the man who lies here had no hair on his head.</div> - </div> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>A man lies under this monument grand</div> - <div class='line'>Who was caught with five aces at once in his hand.</div> - </div> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>With seven wives when on earth he was blessed,</div> - <div class='line'>But now the poor lobster is taking a rest.</div> - </div> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>Lonely and sad and silent and damp,</div> - <div class='line'>But nobody cares, for here lies a tramp.</div> - </div> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>Johnny lies here all sweet and serene;</div> - <div class='line'>Johnny ate apples both sour and green.</div> - </div> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>On earth it may rain, hail and snow,</div> - <div class='line'>But the climate is different, here below.</div> - </div> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_70'>70</span>The day-time is light and the night-time is dark;</div> - <div class='line'>Did anyone know me—my name was John Clark?</div> - </div> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>I never thought skating in winter was nice;</div> - <div class='line'>But where I am now I wish they had ice.</div> - </div> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>Neither flesh nor blood rest beneath these stones;</div> - <div class='line'>Just fifty pounds of skin and bones.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<h3 class='c015'>THE RED, RED ROSE</h3> - -<div class='lg-container-b c000'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>The red, red rose is beautiful,</div> - <div class='line in2'>As it grows by the garden-walk,</div> - <div class='line'>But do not sit on the red, red rose—</div> - <div class='line in2'>There’s a thorn in its every stalk!</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<h3 class='c015'>THINGS WE SHOULD NOT FORGET</h3> - -<p class='c016'>No man can be all right—half of him is -left.</p> - -<p class='c005'>And no matter which shoe you put on -first you always put the left one on last.</p> - -<p class='c005'>What kind of cow gives the milk of human -kindness?</p> - -<p class='c005'><span class='pageno' id='Page_71'>71</span>If all men were created alike, as the constitution -of the United States proclaims, what -an awful time married women would have -trying to find their husbands!</p> - -<p class='c005'>If the man who wrote “The Snow, the -Snow, the Beautiful Snow” lived in Florida, -then the man who wrote “There Is No Place -Like Home” never had a wife; ergo, no -mother-in-law!</p> - -<p class='c005'>“There is more pleasure in giving than in -receiving.” Certainly, if you are talking -about a licking. Any five-year-old kid knows that.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Most people keep their spirits up by pouring -spirits down.</p> - -<p class='c005'>The Society for the Prevention of Crime is -going to stop the Poultry Show in Madison -Square, New York. They say it is a fowl -(foul) show.</p> - -<p class='c005'>A bald-headed man is surer of salvation -than a man with an abundance of hirsute appendage, -there being not a hair between him -and Heaven.</p> - -<p class='c005'><span class='pageno' id='Page_72'>72</span>You can use the old saying “Slow but -sure” when talking to me, but for the sake -of your own personal comfort, don’t say it -to Dan Smith—and above all don’t say it to -Thomas Lipton.</p> - -<p class='c005'>We are all kings and queens in this country—we -all have crowns on our heads.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Men’s minds are like onions: some of them -are stronger than others, and what is in them -often brings tears to women’s eyes.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Hop medasin Kompanie:</p> - -<p class='c006'>Gents—please dont send me enymoar uf -yer patent medasin sirkulars. every tim i -reed won uf them i half every diseas yu -menshun. last sumor i hed the mesells an the -kattel tuk it an they broak out uf the pastchur.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Deer doctur:</p> - -<p class='c006'>mi wife used tu stutter sum wen she talked. -i used siks botels uv yer wundurfeel Remadie -an now she has the locke gaw. pleas sent tu -moar botels fer mi mutherinlaw.</p> - -<div class='lg-container-r c017'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>Yers trooly</div> - <div class='line'> Hen Henpeck</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_73'>73</span> - <h2 class='c010'>Rapid Fire</h2> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c011'> - <div>By HARRY L. NEWTON</div> - <div class='c000'><span class='xsmall'>COPYRIGHT MCMIII BY WILL ROSSITER</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c004'>Tom (Comedian): Can you tell me where -there’s a fire-insurance office?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick (Straight): Why, are you going to -insure your property?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: Well, not exactly; but my boss -says he’s going to fire me, and I want to see -if I can’t get protection from the fire.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Well, why don’t you attend to business? -Get around bright and early in the -morning.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: I would, only my watch stopped -this morning.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: What was the matter with it?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: A bedbug got between the ticks.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: O, quit your kidding! I want to ask -you something serious—</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: I don’t get paid until Saturday.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: O, I don’t want money. I have a -plenty of that.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: My goodness! How long since?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: I want you to understand that I am -very well off.</p> - -<p class='c005'><span class='pageno' id='Page_74'>74</span>Tom: Yes; you’re away off. (Taps forehead.)</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: That’ll do you!</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: But I knew the time when a bean -sandwich looked like a week’s board to you.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Well, you needn’t tell everybody -here about it—that’s my misfortune.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: I won’t say a word. But if you -don’t behave I’ll tell everybody here that I -loaned you a shirt, till you get yours from -the laundry—</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Say, please keep—</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: O, I won’t breathe it, don’t worry; -and I won’t say a word about you wearing -my collar and tie, either—</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick (angrily): See here—</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: O, shavings! Don’t get angry!</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Well, then, listen and be serious. I -have written a play—</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: Thirty days and costs.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick (sarcastically): I suppose you think -you could write one.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: I did write one; I wrote a melodrama.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: A melodrama, eh? Was anybody -killed?</p> - -<p class='c005'><span class='pageno' id='Page_75'>75</span>Tom: No; the audience yelled for the author, -but I wouldn’t come out.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Ha! Ha! It’s a good thing that you -didn’t. Now in my first act—</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: Say, did you ever hear the story -about my coal-bin?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: No; is it a good one?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: No; there’s nothing in it.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: O, behave! In my first act I—</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: Say, a fellow asked me to-day if he -would have to take a course in a barber-school -before he could shave ice at a soda-water -counter.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: O, behave! In the first act I have -introduced a—</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: A piece of cheese.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Yes; a piece of cheese—no; nothing -of the sort. The idea!</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: What’s the best way to catch a rat?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: I suppose there are several ways. -What is the best way to catch a rat?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: Crawl in a pantry and smell like a -piece of cheese.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Will you behave? I heard you had -been speculating on the board of trade?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: Yes; I was a speculator.</p> - -<p class='c005'><span class='pageno' id='Page_76'>76</span>Dick: What were you, a bull or a bear?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: Neither. They made a monkey out -of me.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Serves you right! In the first act—</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: Say, are you still in the first act?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Certainly. Why don’t you let me -go on?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: O, go on; I don’t care what happens.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Well, in the first act, I have written—</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: You have written home for money.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Yes, I have written home—no, -nothing of the sort.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: Not guilty?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Not guilty; my folks haven’t seen -my face in four months.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: My goodness! Why don’t you -wash it?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Now, stop it, I tell you! In the first -act—</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: Why is a cascaret?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Why is a cascaret what?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: Because it works while you sleep.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: For goodness sake! is that a joke?</p> - -<p class='c005'><span class='pageno' id='Page_77'>77</span>Tom: I should say so. It’s one of the best -I ever traveled with.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Then you don’t travel with much, -do you?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: No; I generally travel with you.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: O, behave, you rascal!</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: Say, do you know what?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: No; what?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: What is worse than a giraffe with a -sore throat?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Why, I can’t imagine anything -worse. What is worse?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: A centipede with the chilblains.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: I wish you’d behave! I was going by -your house yesterday, and I saw your sister -looking out of the window; but I didn’t see -any of the rest of the family—</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: Well, sister is the only one that’s -working, and she looks out for us all.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Behave! Behave! Is your sister a -blonde?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: No, but she’s dyeing to be one. -(Slaps himself on the wrist.) Behave! how -dare you!</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Say, are you going to listen to me?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: Certainly.</p> - -<p class='c005'><span class='pageno' id='Page_78'>78</span>Dick: Well, in the first act the villain -comes on and strikes the heroine—</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: For ten cents to buy an automobile.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Yes, for ten cents to buy an auto—no, -no, he strikes her—</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: Why, he must belong to the union, -then?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Certainly, he does—no, he doesn’t -either. The idea!</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: If two peaches make a date, and two -dates make a pair, what do apples make?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Why, apples make cider, of course.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: And Pears make soap, is it?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Is it! You talk like a cake of yeast.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: Sure. You see I always rise when I -talk. Ha, Ha!</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: What are you laughing at?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: That joke. I thought of it so quick. -It must be quick-rising yeast, are they?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Are they! There you go again.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: Did you hear about it?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Hear about what?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: My sister eloped yesterday.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Is that so?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: Yes, a horse ran away with her.</p> - -<p class='c005'><span class='pageno' id='Page_79'>79</span>Dick: O, behave! That reminds me. When -are you going to get married?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: Hush! Can you keep a secret?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Sure.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: I’m married.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Why, that’s news to me. How long -have you been married?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: Six months.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Six months, eh? And I suppose you -think your wife is an angel?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: No, not quite—but I have hopes.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: O, behave! You know in the first -act—</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: You know when I asked my wife’s -father to marry his daughter, I said: “I love -your daughter and I can’t live without her.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Very noble of you. And what did -the old gentleman say?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: He says: “Take her, young man; I -can’t live with her.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Ha, ha! And you took her?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: I did. I took her for better or worse, -and got the worst of it.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Too bad! But who gave the bride -away?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: Her little brother.</p> - -<p class='c005'><span class='pageno' id='Page_80'>80</span>Dick: Her little brother? I never heard of -such a thing. The father usually gives the -bride away.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: The old man never said a word. It -was her little angel-faced brother. He told -everybody that she had a cork leg. It was -an awful case of give away.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Then I suppose you took a bridal -tour?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: No; I felt more like taking an ax to -her.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Why, that, wouldn’t be very nice—to -take an ax to her.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: I would, only she began to sing “O, -Woodman, Spare that Tree.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: O, behave!</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: You know my wife used to be a -“summer girl.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: And what is a “summer girl?”</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: A “summer girl” is a rack to -stretch shirt-waists on; inside is a compartment -for lobster salad, chop suey and ice -cream; while outside is an attachment for -diamond rings.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: A very good definition, my boy. I -<span class='pageno' id='Page_81'>81</span>suppose you hung a diamond ring on the outside?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: No; I hung up my watch on the inside -of a pawnshop.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Well, don’t worry—a man should -be satisfied with what he has.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: O, I’m satisfied with what I have. -It’s what I haven’t got that causes most of -my dissatisfaction.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: You look well. That ought to help -some.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: I just returned from taking a water -cure.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Did you derive any benefit from the -water?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: I don’t know. You see the water -was in a well, and I think the exercise I got -going to the well helped me.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Why, was the well a long way off?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: Yes; you see I was far from well.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: O, behave! In the first act—</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: Is your play funny?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Yes; every hearty laugh adds a day -to a person’s life, you know.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: I don’t believe it.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Why not?</p> - -<p class='c005'><span class='pageno' id='Page_82'>82</span>Tom: I laughed yesterday when a guy -slipped on a banana peel, and I’ll bet he -kicked ten days off of my life, all right.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Well, you only got what was coming -to you. Now the first act—</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: Here’s a funny thing.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: What’s that?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: Why, night falls but it doesn’t -break.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Well, what, of it?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: O, nothing, except that day breaks -but it doesn’t fall.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: O, behave!</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: My landlady forgot this morning -and helped me to a second piece of steak.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: That was luck.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: Yes, tough luck.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: O, behave! I see that Kid McCoy -says he’s willing to meet any man in the -world for any amount of money.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: So am I.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: So are you? Why, the idea! Ha, ha! -That makes me laugh.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: Laugh away; but I’ll meet any -man in the world for any amount of money, -any old time.</p> - -<p class='c005'><span class='pageno' id='Page_83'>83</span>Dick: You will?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: Yes, I will. J. P. Morgan preferred.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Good! You’re all right. Well, in -the first act the heroine is discovered asleep -in a snow-bank.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: Then she must have cold feet.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Yes, she has cold—no, she hasn’t -got cold feet.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: O, she has a hot-water bag on her -feet?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Yes, she has, of course—no, she -hasn’t either. The heroine is discovered asleep -in a snow-bank and the villain comes on -and—</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: And she wakes up and gives him the -“frozen face.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Yes, now you’ve got it—O, behave!</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: Say, my old maid sister found a man -under her bed last night.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Is that so? What did she do, send -for a policeman?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: No; she sent for a minister.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: O, behave!</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: I ain’t going to church any more.</p> - -<p class='c005'><span class='pageno' id='Page_84'>84</span>Dick: Not going to church? Why, what’s -the reason?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: I’m sore at the minister.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: What about?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: When my brother died the minister -said he had gone to join the great majority.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Well, what’s wrong with that? -That’s simply an expression: “Gone to join -the great majority.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: Yes, but two weeks ago he said -that more people went down below than -there were up above. Wouldn’t that jingle -your small change?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: I understand your brother was a -hard drinker?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: Yes; his habits were a little moist.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Moist?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: Yes, he kept pretty well soaked.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: The idea! In the first—</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: Gee! but my father was late in getting -home last night.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: What made him late?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: The trolley-car kept stopping every -two minutes.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Every two minutes?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: Yes, it would stop every two minutes -<span class='pageno' id='Page_85'>85</span>and then wait one minute before starting -again.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Wasn’t your father angry at the -waits?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: No, they were only short waits and -he’s used to short weights—he’s in the coal -business.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: O, behave!</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: If you ever do what you did last -night I’ll never speak to you again.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: What did I do?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: I met you last night just as I was -coming in the hotel.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Yes; what of it?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: You were going out of the hotel -when I was coming in, and you insulted me.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Insulted you? How did I insult you?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: You were singing a song.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: Well, what of it? There’s no harm -in that. What song was I singing?</p> - -<p class='c005'>Tom: “All Going Out; Nothin’ comin’ -in.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>Dick: O, behave!</p> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_86'>86</span> - <h2 class='c010'>“A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME”</h2> -</div> - -<p class='c004'>Bishop Conaty, rector of the Catholic University -at Washington, while on a visit to -Brooklyn recently, told of a priest’s experience -in a small New England town. The clergyman -was just about to retire for the -night when he heard a knock at his door. -He called “Come in,” and a negro presented -himself and said, rather shamefacedly:</p> - -<p class='c005'>“Father, there is a girl outside. May I bring -her in?”</p> - -<p class='c005'>Assent having been given, he disappeared -for a moment, and returned with a white -woman and informed the scandalized priest -that they wished to be married.</p> - -<p class='c005'>He was shown the door with promptness, -and the girl was severely admonished on the -course she was pursuing.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Fifteen minutes later there came another -knock, and on opening the door the priest -found himself again face to face with the -would-be colored bridegroom.</p> - -<p class='c005'>With great indignation the priest said:</p> - -<p class='c005'>“I thought I sent you about your business -before!”</p> - -<p class='c005'><span class='pageno' id='Page_87'>87</span>The darkey paralyzed him with this reply:</p> - -<p class='c005'>“Yes, I know you did, Father James; but -Mary and I have talked it over, and we -thought maybe you would look at the matter -differently if you knew I was willing to -turn Irish.”</p> - -<div class='figcenter id004'> -<img src='images/i05.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> -<div class='chapter'> - <h2 class='c010'>AN ORIGINAL HABEAS CORPUS CASE</h2> -</div> - -<p class='c004'>Some years ago a well-known promoter -started to boom a new town in Montana. He -adopted the usual methods, built electric railroads, -established an electric-light plant, put -up business blocks, and erected himself a fine -house.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Among the other business enterprises he -established a bank, of which he made himself -president, and, in order to inspire confidence -in this, as well as in his other ventures, he -persuaded some well-known Montana men to -become directors, among others the then -United States Senator T. C. Power.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Things went along swimmingly until the -panic of 1893, and then the bubble burst, -and the bank suffered in consequence. At a -<span class='pageno' id='Page_88'>88</span>directors’ meeting, at which the president -was conspicuous by his absence, it was decided -that rather than have the bank fail, -each stockholder would “dig up” and save it. -After the meeting the members of the board -went around to Mr. Promoter’s house to acquaint -him with their decision. They found -him smoking in his luxurious library, and he -listened attentively until the spokesman had -finished his explanation, and then he said:</p> - -<p class='c005'>“This is a very good idea, gentlemen, -very, and I only regret I cannot join you.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>“Why not?” inquired almost every man -at once.</p> - -<p class='c005'>“Because I have absolutely nothing to -give.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>“What’s the matter with your business -blocks?” asked one.</p> - -<p class='c005'>“They belong to my wife,” suavely replied -Mr. Promoter.</p> - -<p class='c005'>“How about your electric railroad?” inquired -another.</p> - -<p class='c005'>“That, too, belongs to my wife.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>“Well, to whom does this house belong?”</p> - -<p class='c005'>“I gave it to my wife as soon as it was -built. I am very sorry, but you see I have -<span class='pageno' id='Page_89'>89</span>absolutely nothing but my body that I can -call my own. I would gladly give that to be -divided up if it would do any good.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>“Well, gentlemen,” and Senator Power -spoke for the first time, “if you decide to -accept Mr. Promoter’s last proposition and -take his body, I speak for his gall.”</p> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> -<div class='chapter'> - <h2 class='c010'>LI HUNG CHANG’S JOKE</h2> -</div> - -<p class='c004'>A salutation of respect in China is to comment -on the mature and even venerable appearance -of one’s guest. When the Minister -to Siam called officially on Li Hung Chang -he was accompanied by a prominent missionary, -a man eighty years of age, with -white hair and beard, who was to serve as interpreter. -Unknown to Mr. Barrett, the missionary -and the Chinaman had had a falling -out some years before. Li came into the reception-room, -saluted Mr. Barrett cordially, -and bowed stiffly to the patriarchal interpreter. -To the youthful minister the premier said:</p> - -<p class='c005'>“I congratulate you, sir, on your venerable -mien.” And then, nodding toward the -octogenarian, he asked: “And is this your -son?”</p> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_90'>90</span> - <h2 class='c010'>Fifteen Minutes<br />with a Playwright</h2> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c011'> - <div>By HARRY L. NEWTON</div> - <div class='c000'><span class='xsmall'>[<span class='sc'>Copyright MCMIII by Will Rossiter</span>]</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='c004'> - <img class='drop-capi' src='images/i36.png' width='100' alt='' /> -</div><p class='drop-capi0_9'> -I have written the scenario of a -play, which I think will prove -an innovation in the drama. It -is entitled plain “MICKEY THE -MOUSE: or, THE POROUS -PLASTER.” The porous plaster does not -appear in the play at all—I merely tack it -on the title to make the play draw well.</p> - -<h3 class='c015'>ACT I</h3> - -<p class='c016'>Scene 1: Curtain rises to terrific snow-storm. -Thermometer 906 degrees below -faro—zero. Heroine, as poor flower-girl, -enters in an automobile; bunch of violets in -each hand, bunch of roses in another, while -with the other she holds herself—erect. -She wears a beautiful sealskin coat, and a sad -smile, for her parents have only five million -dollars apiece and no coal, and she has to help -<span class='pageno' id='Page_91'>91</span>support the family by selling violets and daffodils -at so much per daffi.</p> - -<p class='c005'>“Fresh violets! Fresh roasted violets!” -she cries. Enter chorus and sing song in answer -to The Maiden’s Prayer.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Exit chorus, enter villain, an icy smile on -his face. Can you blame it?</p> - -<p class='c005'>“I have come to ask you for your hand.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>“I have only two. I have none to spare—I -need them both!” the maiden cries.</p> - -<p class='c005'>“O, car-r-ses! car-r-ses! and once again -car-r-ses! Can nothing thaw you?” the villain -thus speaks.</p> - -<p class='c005'>“You are a bum actor. I cannot give you -a hand. I can only give you the frozen face.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>“Filed—foiled! in act first, but watch -my smoke in act two.” Curtain, VERY -quick curtain.</p> - -<h3 class='c015'>ACT II</h3> - -<p class='c016'>Scene 2: Same as in Act I, only more so.</p> - -<p class='c005'>The snow is still snowing. Nothing is heard -but the howling of the audience—howling -of the wind. Enter the villain and Mickey the -Mouse. Villain bribes The Mouse to kidnap -the heroine, tie her to the cold, cold snow, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_92'>92</span>go down to the river, bring it back, and -make the heroine take a cold plunge—to -death.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Mickey the Mouse accepts. Enter Chasem -Cheese, the brave detective. He has been on -the trail of the mouse so long that he has -grown stale.</p> - -<p class='c005'>The Mouse smells Mr. Cheese. Exit The -Mouse. Cheese follows closely, still strong -on the scent.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Heroine enters.</p> - -<p class='c005'>“Hot roses! Red-hot roses! Please buy -my roses!”</p> - -<p class='c005'>Enter The Mouse. Womanlike, she screams -at sight of The Mouse. He seizes her and is -just about to splash her into the river, which -the property-man has just pushed on. She -begs him not to throw her into the cold, cold -water, but to wait until it’s warmer. “You -had a mother once,” she cries.</p> - -<p class='c005'>He did happen to have a mother once, and -he relents; he waits until the ice thaws, then -he throws her in.</p> - -<p class='c005'>She is about to swallow the river, when -the hero comes on and does a song and -dance. One more swallow and the river -<span class='pageno' id='Page_93'>93</span>would vanish forever, but the hero does not -wait. He plunges in and gets his feet wet—all -for the love of her.</p> - -<p class='c005'>“Shaved—saved!” she cries; “you have -saved my golden hair from being lost forever!”</p> - -<p class='c005'>O, joy! exceeding joy! Exit sorrow until -act third.</p> - -<h3 class='c015'>ACT III</h3> - -<p class='c016'>Scene 1: Home of the poor flower-girl, on -Fifth Avenue, New York.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Heroine discovered in boudoir of her -wretched million-dollar residence. Enter -French maid with card.</p> - -<p class='c005'>“’Tis he!” the heroine screams—“my -brave hair-restorer!”</p> - -<p class='c005'>She glides down the marble staircase; she -would have done a two-step, but the glide is -more fashionable.</p> - -<p class='c005'>There is no handle on the front door, so -she opens it with a glad smile.</p> - -<p class='c005'>The hero walks in upon her invitation; she -seats herself upon his entering, and, with a -scream, faints upon his departure.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Again quick curtain.</p> - -<div> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_94'>94</span> - <h3 class='c015'>ACT IV</h3> -</div> - -<p class='c016'>Scene 1: Same as Act III.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Heroine discovered in a pensive mood and -an expensive gown.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Enter villain without knocking. He is no -“knocker,” though he be a villain.</p> - -<p class='c005'>“I have come for me answer!”</p> - -<p class='c005'>“Will you have it wrapped up?” she answers, -a la Siegel-Cooper, and, seizing a glass -of wine, she dashes it in the villain’s face.</p> - -<p class='c005'>“Car-r-se the luck!” he yells. “The drinks -are on me.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>Slow curtain to give the villain time to put -on dry clothes for Act V.</p> - -<hr class='c018' /> - -<p class='c005'>Now, instead of an elapse of nine years -between acts four and five, I have written -the play in nine acts. That ought to prove -an innovation.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Between acts seven and eight another innovation: -coffee and rolls will be served. The -ushers will pass hot coffee and the curtain -will come down with a roll.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Between acts eight and nine morning papers -<span class='pageno' id='Page_95'>95</span>will be distributed, and the milkmen will -be admitted free.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Now comes Act V.</p> - -<hr class='c018' /> - -<h3 class='c015'>ACT V</h3> - -<p class='c016'>Scene: Home of The Mouse.</p> - -<p class='c005'>He is discovered trying to get into the ice-box -for something to eat.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Enter Chasem Cheese, the brave detective.</p> - -<p class='c005'>The Mouse is surprised at the entrance of -Cheese.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Desperate struggle.</p> - -<p class='c005'>The Mouse seizes a keg of gunpowder, hurls -it at Cheese and blows him into a thousand -pieces.</p> - -<p class='c005'>But Cheese will not give up.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Startling and thrilling climax:</p> - -<p class='c005'>A piece of Cheese chases The Mouse off the -stage to quick music.</p> - -<hr class='c018' /> - -<p class='c005'>That’s as far as I can get. That finish to -Act V is so strong I don’t know what to -do for the other four acts.</p> - -<p class='c005'>A piece of cheese chasing a mouse has got -anything beat that I ever heard of in a drama.</p> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_96'>96</span> - <h2 class='c010'>WHAT SONGS ARE POPULAR IN—</h2> -</div> - -<p class='c004'>Philadelphia: “Please Go ’Way and Let -Me Sleep.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>Kentucky: “Trouble.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>Kansas: “I Guess I’ll Have to Go, ’Cause I -Think It’s Going to Rain.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>Chicago: “Blue, Blew, Blew.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>Milwaukee: “Down Where the Wurzburger -Flows.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>New Orleans: “Creole Belles.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>Coney Island: “My Water Lou.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>Sing Sing: “A Bird in a Gilded Cage.”</p> - -<h3 class='c015'>APPROPRIATE SONGS FOR—</h3> - -<p class='c016'>Earl of Yarmouth to Alice Thaw (before -marriage): “Can’t Live on Love.” (After -marriage): “Home Ain’t Nothin’ Like This.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>Grover Cleveland: “If Time Was Money -I’d Be a Millionaire.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>J. P. Morgan: “Hello, Central, Give Me -Heaven.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>Andrew Carnegie: “My Money Never -Gives Out.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>Wm. J. Bryan: “If I But Knew.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>Jeffries to Corbett: “Just Kiss Yourself -Good-By.”</p> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> - -<div class='figleft id005'> -<img src='images/i37.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div><span class='xlarge'>It astounds! and then some!</span></div> - <div class='c000'><span class='large'>HAIR RAISING!</span></div> - <div class='c000'><span class='large'><span class='sc'>Startling! Amazing!</span></span></div> - <div class='c000'><span class='xxlarge'>Sophie Lyons</span></div> - <div class='c000'><span class='large'>QUEEN OF THE BURGLARS.</span></div> - <div class='c000'><i><span class='sc'>By Sophie Lyons</span></i></div> - <div class='c000'><span class='xlarge'>The Uncrowned Queen of Crime</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>In this epoch making book in which truth makes the wildest -imaginings of the wizards of fiction dull and commonplace, Sophie -Lyons, known to the police of two continents as the shrewdest, -cleverest, brainiest, and most daring and resourceful criminal of -the age, tears aside the veil and reveals the most desperate characters -of the underworld, the millionaire aristocrats of crime, as they -plot, plan and later execute their dark and incredible deeds. With -breathless interest we watch these masked midnight marauders as -the mighty steel vaults of the greatest financial institutions swing -wide at their bidding, yielding their boundless treasures to the -crafty cracksman and scientific burglar, the magic manipulators -of gun, dynamite and jimmy.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>Through the Whole Gamut of Crime,</div> - <div>Stupendous and Blood Curdling.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>We are personally conducted by the Queen of Criminals. Read -how Gainsborough’s matchless Duchess of Devonshire was stolen, -and how the most desperate exploits in the annals of crime were -successfully executed. Your heart will almost cease to beat as the -authoress tells you of her miraculous escape from Sing Sing. -Read how a million dollars was dishonestly made, and learn in -spite of enormous ill gotten gains</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>WHY CRIME DOES NOT PAY.</div> - <div>TENSE! THRILLING!! BLOOD CURDLING!!!</div> - <div>FICTION OUTDONE! ROMANCE ROUTED!</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>The most fascinating and astounding narrative of the underworld -ever placed before the public.</p> - -<p class='c005'>The work contains 268 pages of reading matter besides being -fully illustrated and bound in handsome paper cover printed in -colors.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>Price 25 cents, for sale everywhere.</div> - <div class='c000'><span class='xlarge'>J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY,</span></div> - <div><span class='sc'>57 Rose Street,</span> <span class='sc'>New York</span>.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div><span class='xlarge'>NEWS AGENTS AND BOOKSELLERS</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>will do well NOT TO READ our latest Joke Book -just issued, unless they wear a belt instead of suspenders, -as their sides are apt to split with laughter.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>IT IS BY</div> - <div><span class='large'>RAYMOND AND CAVERLY</span></div> - <div>AND IS ENTITLED</div> - <div class='c000'><span class='xxlarge'>The Wizards of Joy</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='figcenter id003'> -<img src='images/i38.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>These professional fun-doctors and dynamiters of sorrow have</div> - <div>written a roundelay of merry patter, that is a sure</div> - <div>cure for any kind of melancholy.</div> - <div class='c000'>Witty German Dialogue! Clean! Amusing! Entertaining!</div> - <div class='c000'><span class='xlarge'>Funny Sayings, Jokes and Parodies.</span></div> - <div class='c000'>GUARANTEED UNDER THE PURE FUN LAWS.</div> - <div class='c000'>The most up-to-date German dialect conversation, cross-fire</div> - <div>jokes, gags, conundrums, songs, parodies,</div> - <div>and wit, on the market.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>Raymond and Caverly are known from coast to coast as the -most popular vaudeville team of German comedians. Mr. -Wm. R. Hearst recognized their talent by running their humorous -articles in his chain of papers, including “The New York -American,” “Boston American,” “Chicago Examiner,” “San -Francisco Examiner,” and “Atlanta Constitution.” Thousands -will embrace the opportunity to secure this good material in -book form. <b>THE BOOK WILL BE A BIG SELLER.</b></p> - -<p class='c005'>It contains 178 pages, printed from new, large type on antique -wove book paper, illustrated, with attractive cover in -colors. It is for sale by all booksellers and newsdealers, or will -be sent by mail, postpaid, on receipt of <b>PRICE, 25 CENTS</b>.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div><span class='large'><span class='sc'>J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING CO., 57 Rose St., New York.</span></span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> - -<div class='figleft id005'> -<img src='images/i39.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div><span class='large'>THE HOUSEWIFE’S TREASURE!</span></div> - <div><span class='large'>THE HOME-KEEPER’S DELIGHT!</span></div> - <div class='c000'>PEERLESS! UNEQUALLED!</div> - <div class='c000'>THE</div> - <div><span class='xxlarge'>EVERYDAY COOK BOOK</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>saves money, saves labor. Makes cooking pleasurable, easy -and delightful. Without previous experience or instruction, -by the aid of this magic volume, the busy housewife can -quickly learn to make hundreds of savory, appetizing, nourishing -dishes, plain or fancy, dainty or substantial.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>Easy! Practical! Economical! Concise!</div> - <div class='c000'>THE EVERYDAY COOK BOOK</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>is the Aladdin’s lamp that converts the kitchen into fairy land, -and the stove, oven and range into magic producers of appetizing -and delicious edibles.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>TWO THOUSAND FAVORITE RECIPES</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>for cooking every known variety of food. Dishes that tickle the -palate, satisfy the appetite, aid digestion, promote health and -prolong life. The magic portal to a world of toothsome delights.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>IT TELLS YOU HOW! IT SHOWS YOU HOW!</div> - <div>Makes Poor Cooks Good Cooks!</div> - <div>Converts Drudgery Into Pleasure, Toil Into Delight!</div> - <div>It Tells You What to Eat! When to Eat! How to Eat!</div> - <div>What to Buy! When to Buy! How to Buy!</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>Every recipe has been thoroughly tried and tested, and pronounced -by numerous housewives to be <i>par excellence</i>, not only -as to pleasant results, but also in regard to the <i>small cost</i> involved. -Also contains scores of immensely valuable household -hints and information on every subject of interest to the cook, -housewife and home-keeper.</p> - -<div class='lg-container-b'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>A Cook Book and Home Encyclopedia All In One!</div> - <div class='line in2'>Invaluable for the Kitchen! Unequalled for the Home!</div> - <div class='line in4'>You Want It! You Cannot do Without It! Buy It Now!</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>The book contains 200 pages, size 7 × 5 inches, is bound in -heavy paper cover, and will be sent by mail, postpaid, upon receipt -of only 25 cents in stamps or silver.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY,</div> - <div><span class='sc'>P. O. Box 767</span> 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div><span class='xxlarge'>OGILVIE’S JOKE BOOK SERIES.</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='figleft id005'> -<img src='images/i40.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>All of these books contain more laughs -to the square inch than any other books -in the market. They are all bound in -illustrated covers, profusely illustrated -throughout, and will be sent to any address -upon receipt, in stamps or money, -of 25 cents per copy.</p> - -<div class='lg-container-b'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>Fun On Draught.</div> - <div class='line'>Some Funny Things Said by Clever People.</div> - <div class='line'>Five Hundred Merry Laughs.</div> - <div class='line'>The Funny World. One hundred illustrations.</div> - <div class='line'>Three Hundred Funny Stories.</div> - <div class='line'>Twenty Good Stories.</div> - <div class='line'>Tho Comic Cook Book.</div> - <div class='line'>Ton of Fun.</div> - <div class='line'>Jack Robinson’s Yarns.</div> - <div class='line'>Funny Experiences of Mr. and Mrs. Bowser.</div> - <div class='line'>Two Thousand Prize Jokes.</div> - <div class='line'>A Bad Boy’s Diary. Part 1.</div> - <div class='line'>A Bad Boy’s Diary. Part 2.</div> - <div class='line'>Blunders of a Bashful Man.</div> - <div class='line'>Trials and Troubles of the Bowser Family.</div> - <div class='line'>Ten Funny Stories. By Opie Read.</div> - <div class='line'>The Travels of a Tramp.</div> - <div class='line'>Widder Doodle’s Courtship. By Josiah Allen’s Wife.</div> - <div class='line'>Our Drummer’s Trip Through the Sunny South.</div> - <div class='line'>Six Tank Tales. By Clarence Louis Cullen.</div> - <div class='line'>New Irish Yarns. By Mickey Finn.</div> - <div class='line'>The Sinker Stories. By J. Joseph Goodwin.</div> - <div class='line'>New German Yarns. By J. Joseph Goodwin.</div> - <div class='line'>Tales I’ve Heard Told. By Lewis A. Leonard.</div> - <div class='line'>Race-Track Stories.</div> - <div class='line'>Base-Ball Stories.</div> - <div class='line'>Life in New York; or, Tales of the Bowery. By Mickey Finn.</div> - <div class='line'>The Funny Fellows Grab-Bag.</div> - <div class='line'>The King of Unadilla.</div> - <div class='line'>Miss Slimmens’ Window.</div> - <div class='line'>Miss Slimmens’ Boarding House.</div> - <div class='line'>Corse Payton’s Joke Book.</div> - <div class='line'>Hi Holler’s Joke Book.</div> - <div class='line'>How About It? Joke Book.</div> - <div class='line'>A Bad Boy’s Adventures. No. 1.</div> - <div class='line'>A Bad Boy’s Adventures. No. 2.</div> - <div class='line'>On a Fast Train Through Georgia.</div> - <div class='line'>Slang Fables From Afar.</div> - <div class='line'>A Feast of Fun.</div> - <div class='line'>Opie Read In Arkansas.</div> - <div class='line'>The Smiles I’ve Caused. Part 1.</div> - <div class='line'>The Smiles I’ve Caused. Part 2.</div> - <div class='line'>The Smiles I’ve Caused. Part 3.</div> - <div class='line'>Twelve Kentucky Colonel Stories.</div> - <div class='line'>Here’s to Ye; or, Toasts for Everybody.</div> - <div class='line'>Weber and Fields’ Funny Sayings.</div> - <div class='line'>Weber and Fields’ Stage Whispers.</div> - <div class='line'>Old Isaacs’ Joke Book.</div> - <div class='line'>A Drummer’s Diary.</div> - <div class='line'>Stage Jokes. No. 1.</div> - <div class='line'>Stage Jokes. No. 2.</div> - <div class='line'>New Jokes by Old Jokers. No. 3.</div> - <div class='line'>New Jokes by Old Jokers. No. 4.</div> - <div class='line'>Drummers’ Samples.</div> - <div class='line'>Southwick’s Monologues.</div> - <div class='line'>Southwick’s Jokes Without Whiskers.</div> - <div class='line'>Talkalogues.</div> - <div class='line'>Hot Stuff Jokelets.</div> - <div class='line'>A Thoroughbred Tramp.</div> - <div class='line'>Actor’s Monologues and Jokes.</div> - <div class='line'>On the Hog Train Through Kansas.</div> - <div class='line'>Side-Tracked.</div> - <div class='line'>Easy Money.</div> - <div class='line'>Lew Hawkins In Black and White.</div> - <div class='line'>Barber-Shop Joke Book.</div> - <div class='line'>Hiram Birdseed at the Fair.</div> - <div class='line'>On An Army Mule Through Virginia.</div> - <div class='line'>Ogilvie’s Slow Train.</div> - <div class='line'>The Sunny Side of Life. By A Merry Widow.</div> - <div class='line'>The Scottish Joker at Home and Abroad. By Harry Lauder.</div> - <div class='line'>Going Some.</div> - <div class='line'>“The Man of the Hour” Joke Book.</div> - <div class='line'>When the World Laughs.</div> - <div class='line'>Picture Joke Book.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>Mailed, postpaid, for 25 cents per copy. Address all orders to</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY,</div> - <div>P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> - -<div class='figleft id005'> -<img src='images/i41.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div><span class='xlarge'>THE</span></div> - <div><span class='xlarge'>FUNNIEST</span></div> - <div><span class='xlarge'>BOOK</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>issued in years is the one giving the -account of the humorous adventures -of our old acquaintance</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div><span class='xxlarge'>HIRAM BIRDSEED,</span></div> - <div><span class='xxlarge'>AT THE FAIR.</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>There is no “frost” about this book. It’s about -the only thing at the Jamestown Exposition that -made a real hit, and YOU ought to read it. Pronounced -by critics to be the best thing since “David -Harum.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>The book contains 245 pages of solid reading -matter, 8 full-page illustrations of the Exposition, -and 25 full-page illustrations of Hiram’s funny experiences. -It is bound in paper covers handsomely -printed in colors and will be sent by mail, postpaid, -to any address upon receipt of only 25 cents in -stamps or silver.</p> - -<p class='c005'><i>If you enjoy a good laugh, don’t fail to -send for this book.</i></p> - -<p class='c005'>Address all orders to</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY,</div> - <div>P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div><span class='xlarge'>Are You Interested in Things Theatrical?</span></div> - <div class='c000'>If so, don’t fail to read the new book just issued entitled</div> - <div class='c000'><span class='xxlarge'>STAGE SECRETS</span></div> - <div class='c000'>AND TRICKS OF THE TRADE.</div> - <div class='c000'>BEING THE CONFESSIONS OF AN ACTOR.</div> - <div class='c000'><span class='xlarge'>By FRANK LEE.</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>This book is all that its title implies as far as the life of -those on the stage is concerned, and especially as regards the -snares and pitfalls to be avoided in making contracts disadvantageous -to an actor.</p> - -<p class='c005'>We give herewith some of the subjects written about:</p> - -<div class='lg-container-b'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>The Vaudeville Manager’s Easy Graft.</div> - <div class='line'>The Actor Must Take All the Chances.</div> - <div class='line'>How Managers Rob One Another.</div> - <div class='line'>The Actor’s Fitful Game.</div> - <div class='line'><b>Tricks of Managers and Agents.</b></div> - <div class='line'>What the Actor Does With His Money.</div> - <div class='line'>Looking For Work.</div> - <div class='line'>The False Alarms.</div> - <div class='line'>Furnished Rooms.</div> - <div class='line'><b>Actor’s Salaries.</b></div> - <div class='line'>Playing Parts.</div> - <div class='line'>Stage Hands.</div> - <div class='line'>About Burlesque.</div> - <div class='line'>About Moving Pictures.</div> - <div class='line'>The Theatrical Clubs.</div> - <div class='line'>What Makes a Successful Sketch.</div> - <div class='line'><b>How to Get Ideas.</b></div> - <div class='line'><b>What the Actor is Up Against.</b></div> - <div class='line'>How to Get On the Stage.</div> - <div class='line'>How to Write Songs.</div> - <div class='line'>The One-Night Stands.</div> - <div class='line'>The Hotels.</div> - <div class='line'>Getting “Canned.”</div> - <div class='line'>The Dressing Rooms.</div> - <div class='line'><b>How to Get a Big Salary.</b></div> - <div class='line'><b>Photo Play Writing.</b></div> - <div class='line'>Graft.</div> - <div class='line'>Vaudeville’s Seamy Side.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>The author of this book has been through the mill, and -knows whereof he writes. Don’t think you know it all, and -that this book cannot tell you anything you don’t already know. -One little point may be the means of securing for you <b>Ten -Dollars a Week</b> more salary than you would otherwise receive, -and if so, the cost of the book is money well invested. You -need the book and should have it.</p> - -<p class='c005'>It contains 120 pages, bound in paper covers, and will be -sent by mail, postpaid, to any address on receipt of price, <b>50 -Cents</b>. Send for it to-day, this minute, and you will never -regret doing so. Address all orders to</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY,</div> - <div>P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div><span class='xlarge'>WELL! WELL!! WELL!!!</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='figleft id005'> -<img src='images/i42.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>Talk about your mystery and</div> - <div>detective stories—</div> - <div class='c000'><span class='xlarge'>THE MYSTERY</span></div> - <div>OF THE</div> - <div><span class='xxlarge'>RAVENSPURS</span></div> - <div class='c000'>By FRED. M. WHITE,</div> - <div class='c000'>is certainly a hummer.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>Mr. White stands in the forefront of the mystery and detective -story writers of the English speaking world to-day, and -this is one of his best and latest books.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Do you like surprises that make your eyes open wide? Sustained -excitement and strange scenes that compel you to read -on page after page with unflagging interest? Something that -lifts you out of your world of care and business, and transports -you to another land, clime, and scenes? Then don’t fail to read</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div><span class='xlarge'>The Mystery of the Ravenspurs.</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>It is a romantic tale of adventure, mystery and amateur -detective work, with scenes laid in England, India, and the distant -and comparatively unknown Thibet. A band of mystics -from the latter country are the prime movers in the various -conspiracies, and their new, unique, weird, strange methods -form one of the features of the story.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Read of the clever detective work by blind Ralph, which -borders upon the supernatural; of walking the black Valley of -Death in Thibet, with its attendant horrors; of the Princess -Zara, and her power, intrigue and treachery laid bare; of the -poisonous bees and the deadly perfume flowers. Unflagging -interest holds your spell-bound attention from cover to cover.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div><span class='xlarge'>NEW! UP-TO-DATE! ENTERTAINING!</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>The book contains 320 pages, bound in paper cover, with -handsome illustration in colors. Formerly published in cloth at -$1.25, now issued in paper covers at <b>25 CENTS</b>.</p> - -<p class='c005'>For sale by booksellers everywhere, or sent by mail, postpaid, -upon receipt of price. Address</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY,</div> - <div>P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div><span class='xxlarge'>FRENCH DETECTIVE STORIES,</span></div> - <div>By EMILE GABORIAU.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>We call your attention to the following books constituting the -best works of the most widely known and popular writer of -French Detective Fiction—<span class='sc'>Emile Gaboriau</span>.</p> - -<div class='figleft id006'> -<img src='images/i43.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<div class='lg-container-b'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>MONSIEUR LECOQ.</div> - <div class='line'>THE HONOR OF THE NAME.</div> - <div class='line'>THE WIDOW LEROUGE.</div> - <div class='line'>THE CLIQUE OF GOLD.</div> - <div class='line'>CAPTAIN CONTANCEAU.</div> - <div class='line'>THE THIRTEENTH HUSSARS.</div> - <div class='line'>THE MYSTERY OF ORCIVAL.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div><i>Marvelously Mysterious Stories,</i></div> - <div><i>Wonderfully Woven, Entertainingly Written,</i></div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>holding the reader spell-bound with interest. The stories are -delightfully treated, and from the beginning of the plot through -each succeeding discovery of the wonderful French detective, -one’s interest is increased and expectancy raised until the end -of the book is reached.</p> - -<p class='c005'>To bring these clever and entertaining stories within the reach -of all, we have just issued the above books in paper covers. -They contain about 200 pages each, are printed in good, clear -type on novel paper, with cover illustration in colors. For sale -by booksellers and newsdealers everywhere, or sent by mail, -postpaid, upon receipt of price, 25 cents per copy, or any 5 for $1.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY,</div> - <div>P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div><span class='xxlarge'><span class='sc'>Here’s Another One!</span></span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>If you have read any of the detective stories which -we have recommended to you, such as <span class='sc'>The World’s -Finger</span>, <span class='sc'>Macon Moore</span>, Etc., you know that our -statements in regard to their being “the real thing” -were not overdrawn. We now have another one just -as good, which we unhesitatingly -recommend. It is entitled</p> - -<div class='figleft id005'> -<img src='images/i44.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div><span class='xxlarge'>THE HOUSE</span></div> - <div><span class='xxlarge'>BY THE RIVER.</span></div> - <div class='c000'>BY</div> - <div class='c000'><span class='xlarge'>FLORENCE WARDEN.</span></div> - <div class='c000'>WHAT THE REVIEWERS SAY OF IT.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c006'>“Florence Warden is the Anna Katharine Greene of England. -She apparently has the same marvelous capacity as Mrs. Rohlfs -for concocting the most complicated plots and most mystifying -mysteries, and serving them up hot to her readers.”—<i>N. Y. Globe.</i></p> - -<p class='c006'>“The author has a knack of intricate plot-work which will -keep an intelligent reader at <i>her</i> books, when he would become -tired over far better novels not so strongly peppered. For even -the ‘wisest men’ now and then relish not only a little nonsense, -but as well do they enjoy a thrilling story of mystery. -And this is one—a dark, deep, awesome, compelling if not convincing -tale.”—<i>Sacramento Bee.</i></p> - -<p class='c006'>“The interest of the story is deep and intense, and many -guesses might be made of the outcome, as one reads along, without -hitting on the right one.”—<i>Salt Lake Tribune.</i></p> - -<p class='c005'>This book contains 310 pages, printed in large clear -type, and is bound in handsome paper cover. It is -for sale by booksellers and newsdealers everywhere, -or it will be sent by mail, postpaid, upon receipt of -price, 25 cents. Address all orders to</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY,</div> - <div>P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div><span class='xxlarge'>MACON MOORE,</span></div> - <div>... THE ...</div> - <div><span class='xlarge'>SOUTHERN DETECTIVE.</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='figleft id005'> -<img src='images/i45.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>Here is another rattling good -book that we unhesitatingly recommend -to every one who enjoys -a thrilling detective story. Each -chapter contains a startling episode -in the attempt of <span class='sc'>Macon -Moore</span> to run to earth a gang of -moonshiners in Southern Georgia, -whose business was that of -manufacturing illicit whisky.</p> - -<p class='c005'>His capture by the “Night -Riders,” and his daring escape from them at their -meeting in the Valley of Death, forms one of the -many exciting incidents of the story.</p> - -<p class='c005'>One of our readers writes to us as follows:</p> - -<p class='c006'>“I was absolutely unable to stop reading “Macon -Moore” until I had finished it. I expected to read -for an hour or so, but the situations were so dramatic -and exciting at the end of each chapter, that before I -knew it I had started the next one. I have read it -three times, once while practicing exercises on the -piano, and shall read it again. It is a corker.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>The book contains 250 pages, is bound in paper -covers, and will be sent to any address by mail, postpaid, -upon receipt of 25 cents. Address all orders to</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY,</div> - <div>P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> - -<div class='figleft id005'> -<img src='images/i46.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div>LAUGH! YELL! SCREAM!</div> - <div>Read It! Read It! Read It!</div> - <div class='c000'><span class='xxlarge'>A Bad</span></div> - <div><span class='xxlarge'>Boy’s Diary</span></div> - <div class='c000'>By “LITTLE GEORGIE,”</div> - <div class='c000'>The Laughing Cyclone.</div> - <div class='c000'>THE FUNNIEST BOOK EVER WRITTEN!</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>In this matchless volume of irresistible, rib-tickling fun, -the Bad Boy, an incarnate but lovable imp of mischief, records -his daily exploits, experiences, pranks and adventures, through -all of which you follow him with an absorbing interest that -never flags, stopping only when convulsions of laughter and -aching sides force the mirth-swept body to take an involuntary -respite from a feast of fun, stupendous and overwhelming.</p> - -<p class='c005'>In the pages of this excruciatingly funny narrative can be -found the elixir of youth for all man and womankind. The -magic of its pages compel the old to become young, the careworn -gay, and carking trouble hides its gloomy head and flies -away on the blithesome wings of uncontrollable laughter.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>IT MAKES YOU A BOY AGAIN!</div> - <div>IT MAKES LIFE WORTH WHILE!</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>For old or young it is a tonic and sure cure for the blues. -The <b>BAD BOY’S DIARY</b> is making the whole world scream -with laughter. Get in line and laugh too. <b>BUY IT TO-DAY!</b> -It contains 276 solid pages of reading matter, illustrated, is -bound in lithographed paper covers, and will be sent by mail, -postpaid, to any address on receipt of price, 25 cents. Address -all orders to</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY,</div> - <div>P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> - -<p class='c013'><span class='xxlarge'>DO YOU ENJOY</span></p> - -<div class='figleft id005'> -<img src='images/i47.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>reading a book that has just -enough dash and piquancy about -it to cause a smile to wreathe your -face? A book that tells in an extremely -humorous way of the doings -of some smart theatrical folk? -Life is many sided, and our book,</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>THE LETTERS OF</div> - <div><span class='xlarge'>MILDRED’S MOTHER TO MILDRED.</span></div> - <div>BY E. D. PRICE,</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>shows one of the sides with which -you may not be familiar.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Mildred is a girl in the chorus at one of New York’s -famous theatres, and her mother is a woman who -“travels” with a friend by the name of Blanche. The -book is written by E. D. Price, “The Man Behind -the Scenes,” one well qualified to touch upon the -stage-side of life.</p> - -<p class='c005'>The following is the Table of Contents:</p> - -<div class='lg-container-b'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>Mother at the Races.</div> - <div class='line'>Mother at a Chicago Hotel.</div> - <div class='line'>Mother Goes Yachting.</div> - <div class='line'>Mother Escapes Matrimony.</div> - <div class='line'>Mother Meets Nature’s Noblemen.</div> - <div class='line'>Mother Joins the Repertoire Company.</div> - <div class='line'>Mother in the One Night Stands.</div> - <div class='line'>Mother and the Theatrical Angel.</div> - <div class='line'>Mother Returns to Mildred.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>Read what Blakely Hall says of it:</p> - -<p class='c006'>“I don’t know whether you are aware of it or not, but you -are turning out wonderful, accurate and convincing character -studies in the Mildred’s Mother articles. They are as refreshing -and invigorating as showers on the hottest July day.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>The book contains 160 pages, with attractive cover -in colors. Price, cloth bound, $1.00; paper cover, 50 -cents. For sale by all booksellers everywhere, or sent -by mail, postpaid, upon receipt of price. Address</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY,</div> - <div>P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> -<div class='lg-container-b c003'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'><span class='xxlarge'>The Confessions</span></div> - <div class='line'><span class='xxlarge'>Of a Princess</span></div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='figleft id005'> -<img src='images/i48.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>A book of this sort would necessarily -be anonymous, and the name of the author -is not essential as indicative of literary -ability, the strength of the story depending -upon its action as revealed through -the laying bare of the innermost secrets of -a “Princess of the Realm” whose disposition -and character were such as to -compel her to find elsewhere than in her -own home the love, tenderness, admiration, -and society which was lacking there, -and which her being craved. Position, money and power, -seem to those who do not possess them, to bring happiness. -Such is not the case, however, where stability of character is -lacking and where one depends upon the pleasures of sense -for the enjoyment of life rather than on the accomplishment of -things worth while, based on high ideals.</p> - -<p class='c005'>The writer has taken a page from her life and has given it -to the world. She has laid bare the soul of a woman, that -some other woman (or some man) might profit thereby. The -names have been changed, and such events omitted as might -lead too readily to the discovery of their identity. Each the -victim of circumstance, yet the <i>price</i> is demanded of the one -who fell the victim of environment.</p> - -<p class='c005'><i>The Confessions of a Princess</i> is the story of a woman -who saw, conquered and fell.</p> - -<p class='c005'>The book contains 270 pages, printed from new, -large type on good paper, bound in paper cover with -attractive design in colors. For sale by newsdealers -everywhere, or sent by mail, postpaid, upon receipt of -25 cents. Bound in cloth, price, 75 cents.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY,</div> - <div>P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div><span class='xxlarge'>500 Toasts</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='figleft id005'> -<img src='images/i49.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>We do not hesitate to say this is the best -and largest collection of original and popular -toasts published. Hundreds never in print -before and all the classics by world-renowned -authors:</p> - -<div class='lg-container-b'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>Longfellow</div> - <div class='line'>Wordsworth</div> - <div class='line'>Mrs. Wilcox</div> - <div class='line'>Burns</div> - <div class='line'>Tom Moore</div> - <div class='line'>Thos. Hood</div> - <div class='line'>Ben Johnson</div> - <div class='line'>Scott</div> - <div class='line'>Thackeray</div> - <div class='line'>Goldsmith</div> - <div class='line'>Byron</div> - <div class='line'>Shakspere</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>This is a book for all classes. There’s no telling when you may -be called upon to propose a toast. To be unprepared means embarrassment. -Send for this book and memorize a few. By mail, -15c; cloth-bound, 30c. Mention “500 Toasts.”</p> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div><span class='xxlarge'>A Thousand</span></div> - <div><span class='xxlarge'>Conundrums</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='figright id005'> -<img src='images/i50.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>This is a companion book to our “500 -Toasts.” It is pocket size and contains -enough conundrums, riddles, etc., to last -you for years. Here are one or two taken -at random:</p> - -<p class='c019'>Q. If a bear went into a drygoods store, what -would he want?</p> - -<p class='c019'>A. Muzzlin’.</p> - -<p class='c019'>Q. Why is a new-born baby like a storm?</p> - -<p class='c019'>A. Because it begins with a squall.</p> - -<p class='c019'>Q. What is a good definition of nonsense?</p> - -<p class='c019'>A. Bolting a door with a boiled carrot.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Well, boys, there are 997 more of these conundrums, and if -you want to have a bunch of fun with your own girl, or some -other fellow’s girl, you should send for this book at once. By -prepaid mail for 15 cents.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Any of the above books will be sent by mail, postpaid, -on receipt of price by J. S. Ogilvie Publishing Company, -57 Rose Street, New York.</p> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div><span class='xxlarge'>OLD WITCHES’ DREAM BOOK</span></div> - <div>AND</div> - <div><span class='xlarge'>COMPLETE FORTUNE TELLER.</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>You dream like everyone else does, but can you interpret -them—do you understand what your dream -portends? If you wish to know what it means, you -should buy this book, which contains the full and -correct interpretation of all dreams and their lucky -numbers. This book is also the most complete fortune -teller on the market.</p> - -<p class='c005'>We give herewith a partial list of the contents.</p> - -<p class='c020'>Dreams and Their Interpretations.</p> - -<p class='c020'>Palmistry, or Telling Fortunes by the Lines of the Hand.</p> - -<p class='c020'>Fortune Telling by the Grounds in a Tea or Coffee Cup.</p> - -<p class='c020'>How to Read Your Fortune by the White of an Egg.</p> - -<p class='c020'>How to Determine the Lucky and Unlucky Days of any Month in the Year.</p> - -<p class='c020'>How to Ascertain Whether You will Marry Soon.</p> - -<p class='c020'>Fortune Telling by Cards, Including the Italian Method.</p> - -<p class='c005'>The book contains 128 pages, set in new, large, -clear type, and will be sent by mail, postpaid, to any -address upon receipt of 25 cents in U. S. stamps or -postal money order. Address all orders to</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY,</div> - <div>P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> - -<div class='figleft id006'> -<img src='images/i51.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div><span class='xlarge'>The Model Letter Writer.</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>A comprehensive and -complete guide and assistant -for those who -wish to become perfect -correspondents. This -book contains Sample -Letters of Compliment, -Inquiry, and Congratulation; -Letters of Recommendation, -Letters -of Business, Advice -and Excuse, and gives -Rules for Punctuation, -Postscripts, and Styles of Addressing, etc.</p> - -<p class='c005'><b>It also contains love letters, giving the correspondence -between a young man and a young -lady, on love, courtship and marriage, and should -prove indispensable to all young people.</b></p> - -<p class='c005'>You cannot afford to be without this book, as you -do not know at what time you may have to write a -particularly important letter. If you have a book of -this kind on hand to consult, it may be the means of -bringing to a successful end matters of great moment, -and upon which may depend your entire future happiness, -well-being, and success in life.</p> - -<p class='c005'>The book contains 128 pages, is bound in paper -covers with handsome illustration in two colors, and -will be sent by mail, postpaid, to any address upon -receipt of 25 cents in U. S. stamps or postal money -order. Address all orders to</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY,</div> - <div>P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> -<div class='figleft id005'> -<img src='images/i52.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<div class='lg-container-b c003'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'><span class='xlarge'>OUR</span></div> - <div class='line'><span class='xlarge'>ENDEAVOR</span></div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>in selling books to you, is to -have you feel that you are getting -<i>your money’s worth</i>. -We therefore desire to call your -special attention to the following</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div><span class='xlarge'>Four Books In</span></div> - <div><span class='xlarge'>ONE,</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<table style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" summary=''><tr><td>which</td> -<td style="font-size: 300%;">If</td> -<td>You are Courting,<br/>You want to Court, or<br/>You want to be Courted,</td></tr></table> - -<p class='c005'>you should obtain at the earliest possible moment.</p> - -<p class='c021'><i>HOW TO WOO; WHEN AND WHOM</i>, which gives -full and interesting rules for the etiquette of courtship, -the time and place for conducting the same, and some -good advice as to the selection of your partner for life.</p> - -<p class='c021'><i>COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE</i>, which tells how to -win the favor of the ladies, how to begin and end a courtship, -and how to “Pop the Question;” and also gives full -information in regard to the invitations, gifts, ushers, -bridesmaids, conduct of the wedding ceremony, etc., etc.</p> - -<p class='c021'><i>THE LOVERS’ COMPANION</i>, which gives the flirtations -of the handkerchief, parasol, glove, fan and napkin; -also, the language of flowers; how to kiss deliciously; and -a cure for bashfulness.</p> - -<p class='c021'><i>THE POPULAR LETTER WRITER</i>, which tells how -to write business, social, and love letters, giving numerous -examples of all.</p> - -<p class='c005'>This valuable work, containing the <i>four books above -mentioned</i>, is issued in one volume under the title <b>HOW -TO WOO</b>, and it will be sent to any address, postpaid, upon -receipt of 25 cents in postage stamps or money. Address</p> - -<div class='lg-container-b'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY,</div> - <div class='line in12'>57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> - -<p class='c013'><span class='xlarge'>HAVE YOU EVER</span></p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div><span class='xlarge'>HEARD OF A</span></div> - <div><span class='xxlarge'>COMIC COOK BOOK?</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>We publish a book under that title, and it contains more -good laughs to the square inch than any book in the market. -Notice a few of the recipes:</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Table Manners.</span>—In carving, should the bird slip from under your -knife, do not appear covered with confusion, although you may be with -gravy, but simply say to the lady in whose lap the bird has landed: “I’ll -trouble you for that hen,” or words to that effect, and proceed with the -autopsy.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>To Boil Fish.</span>—Place the bird in a kettle of cold water and let it -boil so gently that the water will remain about as warm as a June day. -By so doing the fish can swim about in the kettle, and come to the table, -along with the other guests, in a not overheated condition. It will require -about eight minutes to cook a fish weighing one pound, and of course, only -four minutes to cook one weighing twice as much.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>To Fry Fish.</span>—Remove the works from the interior department, pick -off the scales, remove the teeth, and fry in a frying pan—or anything else -which fancy dictates.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Chicken Croquettes.</span>—Having stunned a heavy set hen, croquet the -dark meat through three wickets. Loose croquet the bust and other blonde -meat until you are a rover. Chop it all up and add something to make it -stick together, mould it into sausages, roll in bass-wood sawdust (the croquettes, -not yourself). Fry in red-hot lard.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Calves-Foot Jelly.</span>—Get a yard of the material, i. e., three feet. -Chicago beef is best, as the calves have the largest feet. Cut off the calf for -future reference. Wash the feet, applying chilblain remedies when necessary, -boil them for a while or so, add enough glue to thicken; stir in a few -molasses, strain through a cane-seated chair. Pour the amalgamation -into a blue bowl with red pictures on it, and send the whole business to a -sick friend.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Angel Cake.</span>—Chop up green apples, raisins, bananas, in quantities -to suit; stick them in dough. Feed to the children and the angel part will -materialize.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Roman Punch.</span>—Only a Roman nose how to prepare this dish properly. -To prepare it the other way add some rum to your punch. This -should be served before the roasts at dinner, but should be eaten frugally, -as it was a Roman punch that killed Cæsar.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Emergencies.</span>—Should a child swallow a button, lower a button-hole -down its throat with a piece of string, pass it over the button and yank it -out.——If you see a runaway horse approaching and are unable to get out -of his way, speak to him firmly, saying, “Lie down, sir!”</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>To Tell A Bad Egg.</span>—This depends entirely on what you wish to tell -the egg. If it be bad news, break it gently—this applies both to the communication -and the fruit. The former had better be made by telephone, -with the safety plug in position.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>To Break a Colt.</span>—Hit him across the back with a sledge hammer. -One blow should be sufficient to break him—or at least break his back.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>To Make Ice-Water Last.</span>—Prepare everything else first.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Sent post-paid to any address upon receipt of fifteen cents -in stamps. Address all orders to</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY,</div> - <div>P. O. Box 767 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> - -<p class='c013'><b>How to Read Character by Handwriting.</b> -By Henry Rice. Even to the uninitiated eye there is a greater or less -degree of difference in every handwriting, such as the slope of the letters, -the upward or downward slant of the line, the coarseness or delicacy -of the writing, its neatness and legibility. What the uninitiated do -not know is that each of these peculiarities is indicative of the character -of the writer, yet a student will be surprised to see the revelations -which a few moments’ intelligent perusal of a specimen of handwriting -will afford him. Over sixty specimens of handwriting and letters are -given in this book, with comments by Mr. Rice as to the different characteristics -from a scientific standpoint. Graphology opens up a new -field for intelligent effort, and the rapid strides it has been making the -past few years bid fair to soon place it above Palmistry, Astrology, etc., -in point of popularity. Book sent postpaid for 25 cents.</p> - -<p class='c004'><b>Pursuit of Virtue.</b> By Roland Burke Hennessy, author -of “Beautiful Bad Broadway,” “When a Young Man’s Virtuous,” etc. -This is the latest from the pen of Mr. Hennessy, and we consider it -one of the best stories he has ever written. The scenes are in and -around New York and abound with many thrilling adventures. This -book also contains the following short stories:</p> - -<div class='lg-container-b'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>Peeping Into Paradise</div> - <div class='line'>An Act of Heroism</div> - <div class='line'>A Wise Gazabo</div> - <div class='line'>Synonym Sammy</div> - <div class='line'>A Great Scheme</div> - <div class='line'>The Man Without a Hoe</div> - <div class='line'>Love’s Tokens</div> - <div class='line'>A Moral and An Experience</div> - <div class='line'>What Three Maidens Dreamed</div> - <div class='line'>The Matinee-Girl</div> - <div class='line'>Etc., etc.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>—all in all, it would be hard to find a book of light reading of more -interest than the above. All the above sent prepaid on receipt of price, -25 cents.</p> - -<p class='c004'><b>Fortune-Telling by Cards.</b> Here, indeed, is a book -every young man or woman should have. To-day “playing cards” for -an evening’s enjoyment is a most popular pastime. No matter where -you are, no matter where you go, nowadays “playing cards” is the -thing. When played solely for amusement it is a most innocent entertainment, -and at the same time a great memory-trainer. You must have -often noticed at card parties, while sitting or standing around waiting -for late arrivals to come, there are a few moments when you wish -they’d start, or you wish there was “something doing.” Just at this -moment is your chance to make a hit with your fortune-telling by -cards. No matter how “bum” you are at it, the girls will flock around -you four and five deep. You will be the king bee, as it were, and you -will have the inward pleasure of making the other boys feel like a long -skirt on a rainy day—very damp. In addition to the above, “Fortune-Telling -by the Magic Crystal” is gone into in detail, giving all the symbols -for a correct divination of the future. “The Oraculum: or, Napoleon -Buonaparte’s Book of Fate” (specially translated) is given here -for perhaps the first time in the English language. A table of questions -generally applicable has been compiled, and sixteen pages of answers, -to suit any temperament or individuality, are given. “Fortune-Telling -with Dice” is very complete, giving an assorted list of thirty-two answers -to questions for every possible throw of two dice. Get this book, -study it, and spring it on the “bunch” at the first opportunity, and if -the girls don’t say you are certainly IT we’ll refund the money. There’s -many a time you’d pay $10 to make a hit with ONE girl—here’s a -chance to make a hit with any number of them—all for 25 cents.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Any of the above books will be sent by mail, postpaid, -on receipt of price by J. S. Ogilvie Publishing Company, -57 Rose Street, New York.</p> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div><span class='xxlarge'>Were You Ever</span></div> - <div><span class='xxlarge'>Side-Tracked?</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='figleft id005'> -<img src='images/i53.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<div class='lg-container-b'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>Whether You Ever Were,</div> - <div class='line'>or Not, You Cannot Fail</div> - <div class='line'>to Appreciate ...</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div><span class='xlarge'>HARRY L. NEWTON’S</span></div> - <div class='c000'><span class='xlarge'>GREAT JOKE BOOK</span></div> - <div class='c000'>ENTITLED</div> - <div class='c000'><span class='xxlarge'>“SIDE-TRACKED.”</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>There is really “something doing” in this joke book. It -has been pronounced IT with a capital I. One hundred and -twenty pages of clean, fresh, bright humor—<b>not a dull line</b>!</p> - -<p class='c005'>Harry L. Newton, the author, has declared it to be his masterpiece, -and his assertion is being borne out daily, as our sales are -increasing very rapidly. The first edition of 50 thousand was -sold <b>in less than two weeks</b>.</p> - -<p class='c005'>If you want to laugh and grow fat, read “<b>Side-Tracked.</b>” -It’s cheaper than the price of a pound of meat and just as satisfying. -So get busy boys, and order a copy before the other -fellow beats you to it.</p> - -<p class='c005'>“<b>Side-Tracked</b>” contains the greatest lot of slow-train -stories ever in print. This book is getting so popular you see -people reading it on the streets, on the cars and in barber shops. -There hasn’t been such a run on a joke book in years. Get it! -Get it! Get it! Enjoy it and pass it along. Push it along. -It’s a good thing. It contains 120 pages, bound in paper cover -handsomely illustrated in colors, and will be sent by mail, postpaid, -to any address upon receipt of 25 cents. Address all orders to</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY,</div> - <div>P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div><span class='xxlarge'>A THOROUGHBRED</span></div> - <div><span class='xxlarge'>TRAMP</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='figleft id005'> -<img src='images/i54.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>“A Thoroughbred Tramp” was written by thoroughbred -writers and is a thoroughbred publication -in every respect.</p> - -<p class='c005'>As a “Tramp” compilation it has every other -book backed off the boards—and then some.</p> - -<p class='c005'>One hundred pages of unalloyed joy, spiced with -whole bunches of delirious gladness, and seasoned -with inimitable wit.</p> - -<p class='c005'>That’s pretty strong, but it goes—and so does -the book.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Some of the best writers in the country have -taken a crack at supplying the material for this volume.</p> - -<p class='c005'>That’s why we boost it so strongly. We feel that you will get your money’s -worth and won’t be disappointed.</p> - -<p class='c005'>We’re not in the business to disappoint anybody.</p> - -<p class='c005'>When you pick up this book and open the first page, hold on to your -sides or something will rip. At about the fifth page, call your wife to help -you hold them. If you have no wife, call in somebody else’s. When you -reach the middle of the book, call for the whole family and you’ll all have -a merry-go-round.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Will send you copy by prepaid mail upon receipt of price, 25 cents.</p> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> -<div class='lg-container-l c022'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'><span class='xxlarge'>Popular</span></div> - <div class='line'><span class='xxlarge'>Recitations</span></div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='figleft id005'> -<img src='images/i55.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>A new collection of old and new favorites -for home and stage uses. For want of space -we mention only a few to be found therein.</p> - -<p class='c005'><b>Face on the Bar-Room Floor, Jim -Bludso, Whisperin’ Bill, ’Ostler Joe, -How Salvator Won, Little Meg & I, -Casey at the Bat, Kelly’s Dream, Shamus O’Brien, -The Dying Actor, The Village Blacksmith, The Volunteer -Organist, Annabel Lee, A Story of St. Peter, -Casey’s Tabble Dote, Courting in Kentucky, Gunga -Din, Old John Henry, The Betrothed, The Clink of the -Ice, The Yarn of the Nancy Bell, Walk, & many more.</b></p> - -<p class='c005'>This book contains 128 pages, printed from new plates in large -type, with attractive cover design in colors. Price, 25 cents.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Either of the above books will be sent by mail, postpaid, on receipt -of price by J. S. Ogilvie Publishing Co., 57 Rose St., New York.</p> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> -<div class='figleft id005'> -<img src='images/i56.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div>THURSTON’S CARD TRICKS,</div> - <div>(The Greatest Magician Living,)</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>gives a full description of Thurston’s -sensational rising card trick; also his -famous continuous front and back hand -palming of cards, together with a great -number of his new and heretofore unpublished -tricks. You can learn them -for the purpose of making money or to -entertain your friends. The book contains -83 pages with 45 illustrations. Price, -paper bound, 25 cents.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>HAND SHADOWS ON THE WALL</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>shows how to produce shadows on the wall by the arrangement -of one’s hands held in front of the light. Every position is fully -illustrated, and the book will afford a good evening’s amusement -for the grown-ups as well as the children. Paper bound, 25 cents.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>HOW TO BEHAVE.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>The guide to true politeness. Every person wishing to be considered -well-bred, who desires to know the customs of good -society and to avoid incorrect and vulgar habits should send for -this book. It contains table etiquette, street etiquette, how to -overcome bashfulness, the art of conversing, and many other -things too numerous to mention. Price, paper bound, 25 cents.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>YOUR HAND IS YOUR</div> - <div>FORTUNE;</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='figright id005'> -<img src='images/i57.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>or, Modern Palmistry. We have -published a cheap edition of our -Modern Palmistry book under the -above title, to enable those who -are interested in this subject to -secure for little money the same -material for which we charge 50 -cents and $1.00 in another form. -It is a complete book on palmistry -and will be useful to all who wish -to learn this art for the sake of -making money. It is fully illustrated, -contains 192 pages and is -just what you are looking for to -enable you to tell the future by -reading the hand. Price, paper -bound, 25 cents.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Any of the above books will be sent by mail, postpaid, on -receipt of price by</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY,</div> - <div>P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> - -<p class='c013'><b>Talkalogues.</b> Illustrated. Some of the best monologue and -cross-fire material ever published, now in print for the first time. Such -good ones as E. P. Moran, Joseph Horrigan, Leontine Stanfield, Harry -L. Newton, Edwards and Ronney, etc., are the principal contributors. -There is a wealth of material in this book for the up-to-date performer, -amateur or professional, and while it is fresh is the time to make a hit -with it. Some of the shorter selections are just the stuff for encores. -Or they can be assembled and strung out in such a manner as to keep -the audience screaming while you are on the stage. The “rapid fire” by -Harry L. Newton is worthy a place on the most select bill. All the -above, postpaid, for 25 cents.</p> - -<p class='c004'><b>Taylor’s Popular Recitations.</b> A new collection -of old favorites for home and stage use. Read the contents carefully. -Gems from the pens of James Whitcomb Riley, Eugene Field, Robert -J. Burdette, Ella Wheeler Wilcox, S. W. Foss, John Hay, Rudyard -Kipling, etc.:</p> - -<div class='lg-container-b'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>Casey at the Bat</div> - <div class='line'>Volunteer Organist</div> - <div class='line'>Countersign Was Mary</div> - <div class='line'>Yarn of the Nancy Bell</div> - <div class='line'>Farewell</div> - <div class='line'>Life Lesson</div> - <div class='line'>Matter of Business</div> - <div class='line'>Metaphysical Dilemma</div> - <div class='line'>Old Sweetheart of Mine</div> - <div class='line'>As My Uncle Ust to Say</div> - <div class='line'>Tale of Conscious Virtue</div> - <div class='line'>Thankful Parson</div> - <div class='line'>Yaller Dog’s Love for a Nigger</div> - <div class='line'>Bedrock Philosophy</div> - <div class='line'>Bedtime</div> - <div class='line'>Bohemia</div> - <div class='line'>Casey’s Tabble Dote</div> - <div class='line'>College Revisited</div> - <div class='line'>Courting in Kentucky</div> - <div class='line'>Der Vater-Mill</div> - <div class='line'>Faces We Miss from the Stage</div> - <div class='line'>Young British Soldier</div> - <div class='line'>Trilby</div> - <div class='line'>’Ostler Joe</div> - <div class='line'>What to Do with a Water-Melon</div> - <div class='line'>When the Green Gits Back in the Trees</div> - <div class='line'>Whisperin’ Bill</div> - <div class='line'>Violets</div> - <div class='line'>Two Sinners</div> - <div class='line'>Hamlet’s Soliloquy on Death</div> - <div class='line'>Father’s Way</div> - <div class='line'>Walk</div> - <div class='line'>Gunga Din</div> - <div class='line'>Honest Confessions</div> - <div class='line'>Jim</div> - <div class='line'>Jim Bludso</div> - <div class='line'>Kathleen Mavourneen</div> - <div class='line'>Kelly’s Dream</div> - <div class='line'>Letty’s Globe</div> - <div class='line'>Face on the Bar-room Floor</div> - <div class='line'>Little Breeches</div> - <div class='line'>Little Meg and I</div> - <div class='line'>Level and the Square</div> - <div class='line'>Covered Bridge</div> - <div class='line'>Dying Actor</div> - <div class='line'>How Salvator Won</div> - <div class='line'>Old Stage-Queen</div> - <div class='line'>The Popular Song</div> - <div class='line'>Village Blacksmith</div> - <div class='line'>Worldly Way</div> - <div class='line'>They Were Mixed</div> - <div class='line'>My Sweetheart of Long Ago</div> - <div class='line'>Old John Henry</div> - <div class='line'>Our Two Opinions</div> - <div class='line'>Over the Crossin’</div> - <div class='line'>Parson Snow’s Hint</div> - <div class='line'>Retrospection</div> - <div class='line'>Sadie</div> - <div class='line'>Shamus O’Brien</div> - <div class='line'>Sherry</div> - <div class='line'>Father Phil’s Subscription-List</div> - <div class='line'>Teamster Jim</div> - <div class='line'>That Queen</div> - <div class='line'>Betrothed</div> - <div class='line'>Clink of the Ice</div> - <div class='line'>Annabel Lee</div> - <div class='line'>Psalm of Life</div> - <div class='line'>Rustle Convert</div> - <div class='line'>Story of St. Peter</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>Printed from new type on antique laid paper. Is hand-sewed and opens -flat. Cover is an attractive design printed in colors on double enamel. -Price, 25 cents.</p> - -<p class='c004'><b>500 Toasts.</b> We do not hesitate to say this is the best and -largest collection of original and popular toasts now published. Hundreds -of original toasts never in print before, and all the popular toasts -by the world-renowned authors:</p> - -<div class='lg-container-b'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>Wm. Makepeace Thackeray</div> - <div class='line'>Henry W. Longfellow</div> - <div class='line'>Sir Walter Scott</div> - <div class='line'>William Wordsworth</div> - <div class='line'>Ella Wheeler Wilcox</div> - <div class='line'>Ben Jonson</div> - <div class='line'>Bobby Burns</div> - <div class='line'>William Shakspere</div> - <div class='line'>Oliver Goldsmith</div> - <div class='line'>Tom Moore</div> - <div class='line'>Lord Byron</div> - <div class='line'>Thomas Hood</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>These toasts are arranged in classes under the following captions: -“Toasts to Sweetheart,” “Toasts to Wife,” “Toasts to Woman,” -“Toasts to Man,” “Toasts Cynical,” “Toasts Patriotic,” and “Toasts -Miscellaneous.” This new book, “500 Toasts,” is a book for all classes. -There’s no telling when you may be called upon to propose a toast. To -be unprepared means embarrassment. Send for this book and memorize -a few toasts. Mention that it’s “Will Rossiter’s 500 Toasts” that you -want. Send to-day. By mail, 15 cents; cloth-bound, 30 cents.</p> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div><span class='xxlarge'>DON’T MARRY</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>This book was not written with the idea of advising -people <b>not to marry</b>, but rather with a view to giving -them advice as to <b>whom NOT to marry</b>. You can -readily see how important the marriage question is, -how it will come into your life, and how your decision -may be your uplifting or your downfall.</p> - -<p class='c005'>This is a question no one is free from, and this -book will not only help you to decide, but will result -in life-long happiness. “The genius of selection is -the rarest of faculties.”</p> - -<p class='c005'>The following is a list of contents:</p> - -<div class='lg-container-b'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>Don’t Marry for Beauty Alone.</div> - <div class='line'>Don’t Marry for Money.</div> - <div class='line'>Don’t Marry a Very Small Man.</div> - <div class='line'>Don’t Marry too Young.</div> - <div class='line'>Don’t Marry a Coquette.</div> - <div class='line'>Don’t Elope to Marry.</div> - <div class='line'>Don’t Dally About Proposing.</div> - <div class='line'>Don’t Marry a Drunkard.</div> - <div class='line'>Don’t Marry a Spendthrift.</div> - <div class='line'>Don’t Marry a Miser.</div> - <div class='line'>Don’t Marry Far Apart in Ages.</div> - <div class='line'>Don’t Marry too Old.</div> - <div class='line'>Don’t Marry Odd Sizes.</div> - <div class='line'>Don’t Marry a Clown.</div> - <div class='line'>Don’t Marry a Dude.</div> - <div class='line'>Don’t Marry From Pity.</div> - <div class='line'>Don’t Marry for an Ideal Marriage.</div> - <div class='line'>Don’t Break a Marriage Promise.</div> - <div class='line'>Don’t Marry For Spite.</div> - <div class='line'>Don’t Mitten a Mechanic.</div> - <div class='line'>Don’t Marry a Man too Poor.</div> - <div class='line'>Don’t Marry a Crank.</div> - <div class='line'>Don’t Marry Fine Feathers.</div> - <div class='line'>Don’t Marry Without Love.</div> - <div class='line'>Don’t Marry a Stingy Man.</div> - <div class='line'>Don’t Marry too Hastily.</div> - <div class='line'>Don’t be too Slow About It.</div> - <div class='line'>Don’t Marry a Silly Girl.</div> - <div class='line'>Don’t Expect too Much in Marriage.</div> - <div class='line'>Don’t Marry a Fop.</div> - <div class='line'>Don’t Marry in Fun.</div> - <div class='line'>Don’t Spurn a Man for His Poverty.</div> - <div class='line'>Don’t Marry Recklessly.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>This book contains 112 pages, size 7 × 4-3/4 inches, -printed in large type on good quality paper, is bound -in durable paper cover, and will be sent by mail, postpaid, -to any address upon receipt of 25 cents in U. S. -stamps or postal money order. Address all orders to</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY,</div> - <div>P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div><span class='xlarge'>VAIL’S DREAM BOOK</span></div> - <div>AND</div> - <div><span class='xlarge'>COMPLETE FORTUNE TELLER</span></div> - <div class='c000'>By J. R. & A. M. VAIL</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>You dream like everyone else does, but can you -interpret them—do you understand what your dream -portends? If you wish to know what it means, you -should buy this book, which contains the full and correct -interpretation of all dreams and their lucky -numbers. This book is also the most complete fortune -teller on the market.</p> - -<p class='c005'>We give herewith a partial list of the contents:</p> - -<p class='c021'>Dreams and Their Interpretations.</p> - -<p class='c021'>Palmistry, or Telling Fortunes by the Lines of -the Hand.</p> - -<p class='c021'>Fortune Telling by the Grounds in a Tea or -Coffee Cup.</p> - -<p class='c021'>How to Read Your Fortunes by the White of -an Egg.</p> - -<p class='c021'>How to Determine the Lucky and Unlucky -Days of any Month in the Year.</p> - -<p class='c021'>How to Ascertain Whether You will Marry -Soon.</p> - -<p class='c021'>Fortune Telling by Cards, including the Italian -Method.</p> - -<p class='c021'>A Chapter on Somniloquism and Spiritual -Mediums.</p> - -<p class='c005'>The book contains 128 pages, size 7-5/8 × 5-1/4 set in -new, large, clear type, and will be sent by mail, postpaid, -to any address upon receipt of 25 cents. For -sale where you bought this book.</p> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div>JUST OUT</div> - <div><span class='xxlarge'>TEMPTATIONS OF THE STAGE.</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>There is probably no other book of this kind on the market -that tells so much truth from Stage Life as does this one. If -there is, we do not know of it. We herewith give the contents -and leave you to draw your own conclusions:—</p> - -<div class='figleft id006'> -<img src='images/i58.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<p class='c006'>Ever in the Limelight.</p> - -<p class='c006'>“Propinquity” <i>versus</i> “Association.”</p> - -<p class='c006'>Flattery.</p> - -<p class='c006'>See How it Sparkles.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Gambling—Drugs.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Dangerous Pitfalls on the Road to Success.</p> - -<p class='c006'>My Narrow Escape. <i>By Della Fox.</i></p> - -<p class='c006'>Girls in Burlesque Companies. <i>By May Howard.</i></p> - -<p class='c006'>A Nation at Her Feet. <i>By Pauline Markham.</i></p> - -<p class='c006'>Jane Hading’s Career. <i>By Herself.</i></p> - -<p class='c006'>A Woman’s Blighted Life. <i>By Jennie O’Neill Potter.</i></p> - -<p class='c006'>Cigarette Smoking.</p> - -<p class='c006'>A Unique Sensation. <i>By Nina Farrington.</i></p> - -<p class='c006'>Yvette Guilbert’s Songs.</p> - -<p class='c006'>A Tragic End.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Triumphs and Failures. <i>By Isabelle Urquhart.</i></p> - -<p class='c006'>A Mad Career.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Likes to Wear Tights. <i>By Jessie Bartlett Davis.</i></p> - -<p class='c006'>Jolly Jennie Joyce.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Thorns of Stage Life. <i>By Maud Gregory.</i></p> - -<p class='c006'>The Stage is Not Degenerating. <i>By Eva Mudge.</i></p> - -<p class='c006'>Ethics of Stage Morality. <i>By Jessie Olivier.</i></p> - -<p class='c006'>Stage-Door Johnnies.</p> - -<p class='c006'>The Pace That Kills.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Stage Love Letters. <i>Mlle. Fougere.</i></p> - -<p class='c006'>From Tights to Tea Parties.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Cure For the Stage Struck.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Stock Companies.</p> - -<p class='c006'>In Other Walks.</p> - -<p class='c005'>The above book contains 128 pages, bound in paper cover -handsomely illustrated in colors, and will be sent by mail, postpaid, -to any address upon receipt of 25 cents. Address all orders to</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY,</div> - <div>P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> - -<p class='c013'><b>ACTORS’ MONOLOGUES AND JOKES.</b> This book contains -the complete up-to-date monologues, word for word, of such -well-known “stars” and “top-liners” as:</p> - -<div class='lg-container-b'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>George W. Day,</div> - <div class='line'>Charlie Case,</div> - <div class='line'>James Thornton,</div> - <div class='line'>Low Sully,</div> - <div class='line'>John W. Ransone,</div> - <div class='line'>George Fuller Golden,</div> - <div class='line'>J. W. Kelly,</div> - <div class='line'>James J. Morton,</div> - <div class='line'>Lew Bloom,</div> - <div class='line'>Digby Bell,</div> - <div class='line'>James J. Corbett,</div> - <div class='line'>Elizabeth Murray,</div> - <div class='line'>Loney Haskell,</div> - <div class='line'>George Thatcher,</div> - <div class='line'>Frank Cushman, etc.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>This collection contains just the things you’ve been looking for—funny -jokes and funny sayings. If you want to be popular -when out in society you must have some funny things pat to -your tongue to say, and when you get the boys and girls to -laughing it’s a sure thing you’ll get invited to every party. If -you are going to “act out” in the amateur show that the boys -are getting up, this book has just the piece or monologue you -want. We send it, postpaid, for 25 cents.</p> - -<p class='c004'><b>STAGE JOKES.</b> A big hit. Nothing in the way of a book of -up-to-date jokes and funny sayings has been published in years -as good as this book. It is just the thing you want for home use -and for all kinds of entertainments, and we can best convince -you of its merits by naming some of the well-known professionals -who have contributed their best:</p> - -<div class='lg-container-b'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>Weber and Fields,</div> - <div class='line'>Rogers Brothers,</div> - <div class='line'>Ezra Kendall,</div> - <div class='line'>DeWolf Hopper,</div> - <div class='line'>Joe Flynn,</div> - <div class='line'>Mark Murphy,</div> - <div class='line'>Marshall P. Wilder,</div> - <div class='line'>George Thatcher,</div> - <div class='line'>Nat M. Wills,</div> - <div class='line'>Lew Dockstader,</div> - <div class='line'>Joe Welch,</div> - <div class='line'>Charlie Case,</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>—and many more just as well known. You can see why this -book is so much better than others—it is not “written to order” -by any one man, but contains the best efforts of nearly fifty of -our best and most popular comedians. Nos. 1 and 2 now ready. -Either book, complete, 25 cents.</p> - -<p class='c004'><b>HOT-STUFF JOKELETS.</b> Hand-lettered and illustrated. -“The Unkissed Maid”; “A Fool Story in Three Chapters”; -“Monologue,” by Edwards and Ronney; “The Chaser”; “Get -Your Money’s Worth”—and hundreds of other choice things are -illustrated with the funniest cartoons you ever saw. There is -positively nothing on the market to equal this book. So original -is it that the advance orders from the news and book dealers -totaled 25,000. If you want the best, and appreciate an artistic -publication, send for “Hot-Stuff Jokelets.” Price, 25 cents.</p> - -<p class='c004'><b>CARTER’S MAGIC AND MAGICIANS.</b> There is no use -talking, but the girl or boy, man or woman, who can do a few -simple card tricks is the “cock of the walk” in any sort of social -gathering. The tricks in this book are so clearly explained and illustrated -that it takes but a very little while to get proficient in the -art. The girls flock ’round you as thick as flies on a “squashed” -tomato in the sun. There’s nothing like it. You may not be -sporty, you may not spend money with them, but if you can—“by -a simple twist of the wrist”; “now you see it and now you -don’t”; “the more you watch the less you know”—and do it -well, you are just the real fellow. This book is the latest and -best on the market. All the new card tricks and sleight-of-hand -monkey-doodle business. Price, 25 cents.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Any of the above books will be sent by mail, postpaid, -on receipt of price by J. S. Ogilvie Publishing Company, -57 Rose Street, New York.</p> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div><span class='xlarge'>FORTUNE-TELLING</span></div> - <div>BY</div> - <div><span class='large'>CARDS, DICE,</span></div> - <div>and</div> - <div><span class='large'>CRYSTAL.</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='figleft id005'> -<img src='images/i59.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>Here, indeed, is a book every -young man or woman should have. -You must have often noticed at -card parties, while sitting or standing -around waiting for late arrivals -to come, there are a few moments -when you wish they’d start, or you wish there -was “something doing.” Just at this moment is -your chance to make a hit with your fortune-telling -by cards. No matter how poor you are at it, the -crowd will flock around you four and five deep. You -will be the king bee, as it were, and you will have -the inward pleasure of making the others feel -like a long skirt on a rainy day—very damp. In -addition to the above, “Fortune-Telling by the Magic -Crystal” is gone into in detail, giving all the symbols -for a correct divination of the future. “The Oraculum: -or, Napoleon Buonaparte’s Book of Fate” (especially -translated) is given here for perhaps the first -time in the English language. A table of questions -generally applicable has been compiled, and 16 pages -of answers, to suit any temperament or individuality, -are given. “Fortune-Telling With Dice” is very complete, -giving an assorted list of 32 answers to questions -for every possible throw of two dice. Get this -book, study it, and use it at the first opportunity, -and if the girls don’t say you are certainly IT we’ll -refund the money. Here’s a chance to make a hit.</p> - -<p class='c005'>The book contains 100 pages, fully illustrated, is -bound in paper cover, and will be sent by mail, postpaid, -on receipt of price, 25 cents. Address</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY,</div> - <div>P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div><span class='xxlarge'>GOING SOME!</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='figcenter id007'> -<img src='images/i60.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>These books contain more laughs to the square inch than any -other joke books on the market. Each book is equivalent to a -vaudeville show of two hours’ duration, and every book on this -list has our unqualified endorsement. <b>Price, 25 cents each.</b></p> - -<div class='lg-container-b'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>THREE HUNDRED FUNNY STORIES.</div> - <div class='line'>TWENTY GOOD STORIES.</div> - <div class='line'>A BAD BOY’S DIARY.</div> - <div class='line'>BLUNDERS OF A BASHFUL MAN.</div> - <div class='line'>TEN FUNNY STORIES. By Opie Read.</div> - <div class='line'>THE TRAVELS OF A TRAMP.</div> - <div class='line'>ON A FAST TRAIN THROUGH GEORGIA.</div> - <div class='line'>WEBER AND FIELDS’ FUNNY SAYINGS.</div> - <div class='line'>WEBER AND FIELDS’ STAGE WHISPERS.</div> - <div class='line'>A DRUMMER’S DIARY.</div> - <div class='line'>STAGE JOKES. No. 1.</div> - <div class='line'>STAGE JOKES. No. 2.</div> - <div class='line'>A THOROUGHBRED TRAMP.</div> - <div class='line'>ON THE HOG TRAIN THROUGH KANSAS.</div> - <div class='line'>SIDE-TRACKED.</div> - <div class='line'>EASY MONEY.</div> - <div class='line'>LEW HAWKINS IN BLACK AND WHITE.</div> - <div class='line'>HIRAM BIRDSEED AT THE FAIR.</div> - <div class='line'>ON AN ARMY MULE THROUGH VIRGINIA.</div> - <div class='line'>OGILVIE’S SLOW TRAIN.</div> - <div class='line'>THE SUNNY SIDE OF LIFE. By A Merry Widow.</div> - <div class='line'>GOING SOME.</div> - <div class='line'>PICTURE JOKE BOOK.</div> - <div class='line'>FLIGHTY FUN.</div> - <div class='line'>LOVE, COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE.</div> - <div class='line'>TEMPTATIONS OF THE STAGE.</div> - <div class='line'>BEHIND THE SCENES.</div> - <div class='line'>THE CONFESSIONS OF A YOUNG GIRL.</div> - <div class='line'>VAIL’S DREAM BOOK.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>The above books are for sale by all booksellers and newsdealers -everywhere, or they will be sent by mail, postpaid, upon receipt -of 25 cents per copy, or any 5 for $1.00. Address all orders to</p> - -<p class='c005'>J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING CO., <span class='sc'>57 Rose St., New York.</span></p> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div><span class='xxlarge'>THE SHADOW OF A CROSS.</span></div> - <div>BY</div> - <div><span class='large'>MRS. DORA NELSON</span></div> - <div>AND</div> - <div><span class='large'>F. C. HENDERSCHOTT.</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='figright id005'> -<img src='images/i61.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>“The sweetest American story -ever written,” wrote one critic in -reviewing the story, which first -appeared as a serial in a magazine -of large circulation. A -strong inquiry for the novel in -book form developed, and we -have just issued the book to meet this demand.</p> - -<p class='c005'>The story is wholly American in sentiment, and -every chapter appeals to the reader’s sympathies, as -the whole book pulsates with pure and cherished -ideals. The love theme is sweet and intensely interesting. -Through the political fight, the victory and -the defeat, the love thread is never lost sight of. The -intense struggle in the heart of the heroine between -her Church and her lover is of such deep human interest, -that it holds the reader in ardent sympathy until -the happy solution, when the reader smiles, wipes the -moisture from the eyes, and breathes happily again.</p> - -<p class='c005'>While the narrative is intensely interesting, it is -more; it instructs and educates. To read it is to feel -improved and delighted. Don’t miss this treat; it is -one of the very best American stories of recent years.</p> - -<p class='c005'>The book is printed on best quality of laid book -paper, contains nearly 200 pages, and is bound in -paper covers with handsome illustration. It will be -sent by mail, postpaid, to any address upon receipt -of price, 25 cents. Address all orders to</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY,</div> - <div>P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div><span class='xlarge'>SENSATIONAL</span></div> - <div><span class='xlarge'>FRENCH FICTION</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='figleft id005'> -<img src='images/i62.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>makes a strong appeal to a certain -class of readers—people -who have lived long enough to -realize that there are huge problems -of sex and matrimony, that -can only be solved through the -actual experience of the persons -concerned. Numberless -books have been and are being -written and published treating -on these questions, and if -through reading them we are -enabled to enlarge our view, -look at our problem from a -different angle, appropriate for our own use the -benefit of others’ experience either actual or imaginary, -by just so much are we better able to live and -think aright and secure to ourselves the happiness -that is our inherent right and goal.</p> - -<table style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" summary=''><tr> -<td><img src="images/i63.png" alt='' /></td> -<td style="font-size: 300%;">SAPPHO</td> -<td><img src="images/i64.png" alt='' /></td> -</tr></table> - -<p class='c005'>BY ALPHONSE DAUDET,</p> - -<p class='c005'>is a book dealing with the great elements of love and -passion as depicted by life in the gay French capital, -Paris. It created an enormous sensation when first -written, and has been in steady demand ever since -from those who, for the first time, have a chance to -read it. It should be read by every thoughtful man -and woman.</p> - -<p class='c005'>For sale by booksellers and newsdealers everywhere, -or sent by mail, postpaid, on receipt of price, 50 cents.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY,</div> - <div>P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> - -<div class='figleft id006'> -<img src='images/i65.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div><span class='xxlarge'>$1.50 WORTH FOR 25 CENTS!</span></div> - <div class='c000'><span class='xlarge'>Old Secrets and New Discoveries</span></div> - <div class='c000'>CONTAINS INFORMATION OF RARE VALUE FOR ALL</div> - <div>CLASSES, IN ALL CONDITIONS OF SOCIETY.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>This book is a combination -of six books, each complete -in itself, and which -were formerly published at -25 cents per copy. Following -are the titles of the six books -contained in <b>OLD SECRETS -AND NEW DISCOVERIES</b>:</p> - -<div class='lg-container-b'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>(<b>1</b>) <b>Old Secrets</b>;</div> - <div class='line'>(<b>2</b>) <b>Secrets for Farmers</b>;</div> - <div class='line'>(<b>3</b>) <b>Preserving Secrets</b>;</div> - <div class='line'>(<b>4</b>) <b>Manufacturing Secrets</b>;</div> - <div class='line'>(<b>5</b>) <b>Secrets for the Housewife</b>; and</div> - <div class='line'>(<b>6</b>) <b>The Secret of Money Getting</b>, by P. T. Barnum.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c021'><b>This Book Tells</b> how to -make persons at a distance -think of you—Something -all lovers -should know.</p> - -<p class='c021'><b>It Tells</b> how you can charm -those you meet and -make them love you.</p> - -<p class='c021'><b>It Tells</b> how Spiritualists and others can make writing appear on the arm -in blood characters, as performed by Foster and all noted magicians.</p> - -<p class='c021'><b>It Tells</b> how to make a cheap Galvanic Battery; how to plate and gild -without a battery; how to make a candle burn all night; how to make -a clock for 25 cents; how to detect counterfeit money; how to banish -and prevent mosquitoes from biting; how to make yellow butter in -winter; Circassian curling fluid; Sympathetic or Secret Writing Ink; -Cologne Water; Artificial Honey; Stammering; how to make large -noses small; to cure drunkenness; to copy letters without a press; -to obtain fresh-blown flowers in winter; to make good burning candles -from lard.</p> - -<p class='c021'><b>It Tells</b> how to make a horse appear as though he was badly foundered; -to make a horse temporarily lame; how to make him stand by his food -and not eat it; how to cure a horse from the crib or sucking wind; -how to put a young countenance on the horse; how to cover up the -heaves; how to make him appear as if he had the glanders; how to -make a true-pulling horse balk; how to nerve a horse that is lame, -etc. These horse secrets are being continually sold at one dollar each.</p> - -<p class='c021'><b>It Tells</b> how to make the Eggs of Pharo’s Serpents, from which, when -lighted, though but the size of a pea, there issues from it a coiling, hissing -serpent, wonderful in length and similarity to a genuine serpent.</p> - -<p class='c021'><b>It Tells</b> of a simple and ingenious method for copying any kind of drawing -or picture. And more wonderful still, how to print pictures from -the print itself.</p> - -<p class='c021'><b>It Tells</b> how to perform the Davenport Brothers’ “Spirit Mysteries,” so -that any person can astonish an audience, as has been done. Also -scores of other wonderful things which we have no room to mention.</p> - -<p class='c005'><b>OLD SECRETS AND NEW DISCOVERIES</b> contains over 250 solid pages -of reading matter, and is worth $1.50 to any person; but it will be mailed -to any address on receipt of only 25 cents. Postage stamps taken in payment -for it the same as cash. Your money back if book is not as advertised. -Address all orders to</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY,</div> - <div>P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div><span class='xlarge'>AN AUTOMOBILE</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='figleft id005'> -<img src='images/i66.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>has a fascination for millions of -people. There is an exhilaration, -a restful, soothing, satisfying -feeling about automobiling -for pleasure that seems different -from that achieved in -other ways. But it has its -trying, adventurous, and fearful -side as well, and so to those who -have experienced these emotions, -and to those who would -like to experience them, we -heartily recommend the book</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c011'> - <div><span class='xxlarge'>THE CAR</span></div> - <div><span class='xxlarge'>AND THE LADY</span></div> - <div class='c000'>By GRACE S. MASON and PERCY F. MEGARGEL,</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>in which actual experience has been partially interwoven -with fiction in an exciting narrative of a race -across the American continent. Adventure, mistakes, -accidents, good fortune, and surprise, follow one another -in rapid succession, keeping the tension of the -reader at excitement pitch until the goal is reached -and the prize won—a prize which at some time in -every one’s career is quite the only prize on earth.</p> - -<p class='c005'>The book contains 276 pages of solid reading matter, -printed from large, new type on good quality of -paper, and bound in attractive paper covers printed -in colors. It is for sale by booksellers and newsdealers -everywhere, or will be sent by mail, postpaid, -upon receipt of 25 cents.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY,</div> - <div>P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div><span class='xlarge'>STOP! LOOK! LISTEN!</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='figleft id005'> -<img src='images/i67.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div><span class='large'>Ten True Secret Service</span></div> - <div><span class='large'>Detective Stories.</span></div> - <div class='c000'>BY</div> - <div class='c000'>D. B. SHAW.</div> - <div class='c000'>Unquestionably the Greatest Book</div> - <div>Of Detective Stories Ever</div> - <div>Offered to the Public.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>These astounding and absorbingly -interesting accounts of -crime in real life abound in hair-raising -incidents that hold the reader spell-bound. -Being narratives of actual facts, truthful records -of the doings of crafty and desperate criminals, these -stories possess for the reader a zest and interest -wholly lacking in similar works on fictional lines.</p> - -<p class='c005'>From the slenderest clue we view the trained -sleuths, as they piece together strand by strand the -meshes of the net which finally incloses the wrong-doers -in the relentless grasp of the law.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Away from the hackneyed and ordinary, and -brushing aside the conventional, these marvellous -stories mark a new epoch in detective literature.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div><b>Truth That Makes Fiction Trivial!</b></div> - <div><b>A Thrill in Every Page! A Sensation in Every Chapter!</b></div> - <div><b>Unparalleled in Interest!</b></div> - <div><b>Unexcelled in Dramatic and Thrilling Incident!</b></div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>The book contains 280 pages, is bound in heavy -paper covers with handsome illustration in colors. -Retail price, 25 cents. It is for sale by booksellers -everywhere, or we will send it by mail, postpaid, on -receipt of price. Address</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY,</div> - <div>P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> - -<div class='figleft id006'> -<img src='images/i68.png' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div><span class='xxlarge'>One Hundred and Fifty</span></div> - <div><span class='xxlarge'>House Plans for $1.00.</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='lg-container-b'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'><span class='xxlarge'><i>PALLISER’S</i></span></div> - <div class='line'><span class='xxlarge'><i>UP-TO-DATE</i></span></div> - <div class='line'><span class='xxlarge'><i>HOUSE PLANS.</i></span></div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>By GEORGE A. PALLISER.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>We have just published a new book, with above -title, containing 150 up-to-date plans of houses, costing -from $500 to $18,000, which anyone thinking of -building a house should have if they wish to save -money and also get the latest and best ideas of a practical -architect and eminent designer and writer on common-sense, -practical and convenient dwelling houses -for industrial Americans, homes for co-operative -builders, investors and everybody desiring to build, -own or live in Model Homes of low and medium cost. -These plans are not old plans, but every one is up-to-date -(1906), and if you are thinking of building a -house you will save many times the cost of this book -by getting it and studying up the designs. We are -certain you will find something in it which will suit -you. It also gives prices of working plans at about -one-half the regular prices, and many hints and helps -to all who desire to build. 160 large octavo pages. -Price, paper cover, $1.00; bound in cloth, $1.50. -Sent by mail, postpaid, to any address on receipt of -price. Address all orders to</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING COMPANY.</div> - <div>P. O. Box 767. 57 ROSE STREET, NEW YORK.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>Transcriber’s note:</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c023'>Ad Page 1, ‘them’ changed to ‘then,’ “and then some”</p> - -<p class='c023'>Ad Page 1, ‘maginings’ changed to ‘imaginings,’ “the wildest imaginings of”</p> - -<p class='c023'>Ad Page 1, ‘OGLIVIE’ changed to ‘OGILVIE,’ “J. S. OGILVIE PUBLISHING”</p> - -<p class='c023'>Ad Page 2, ‘commedians’ changed to ‘comedians,’ “of German comedians”</p> - -<p class='c023'>Ad Page 4, ‘Field’s’ changed to ‘Fields’,’ “Weber and Fields’”</p> - -<p class='c023'>Ad Page 6, comma changed to full stop following ‘Canned,’ “Getting “Canned.””</p> - -<p class='c023'>Ad Page 8, ‘LECOC’ changed to ‘LECOQ,’ “MONSIEUR LECOQ”</p> - -<p class='c023'>Ad Page 8, full stop inserted after ‘LECOQ,’ “MONSIEUR LECOQ.”</p> - -<p class='c023'>Ad Page 8, full stop inserted after ‘LEROUGE,’ “THE WIDOW LEROUGE.”</p> - -<p class='c023'>Ad Page 8, full stop inserted after ‘$1,’ “or any 5 for $1.”</p> - -<p class='c023'>Ad Page 9, full stop inserted after ‘767,’ “P. O. Box 767.”</p> - -<p class='c023'>Ad Page 11, ‘ordres’ changed to ‘orders,’ “Address all orders to”</p> - -<p class='c023'>Ad Page 14, opening double quote inserted before ‘500,’ “Mention “500 Toasts”</p> - -<p class='c023'>Ad Page 14, comma inserted after ‘Company,’ “Publishing Company, 57 Rose”</p> - -<p class='c023'>Ad Page 15, full stop inserted after ‘market,’ “teller on the market.”</p> - -<p class='c023'>Ad Page 18, question mark changed to exclamation point following ‘sir,’ “Lie down, sir!”</p> - -<p class='c023'>Ad Page 20, ‘containes’ changed to ‘contains,’ “contains the greatest”</p> - -<p class='c023'>Ad Page 21, full stop inserted after ‘anybody,’ “to disappoint anybody.”</p> - -<p class='c023'>Ad Page 24, full stop inserted after ‘YORK,’ “STREET, NEW YORK.”</p> - -<p class='c023'>Ad Page 27, comma inserted after ‘Company,’ “Ogilvie Publishing Company,”</p> - -<p class='c023'>Ad Page 27, full stop inserted after ‘York,’ “Street, New York.”</p> - -<p class='c023'>Ad Page 31, full stop inserted after ‘P,’ “P. O. Box 767.”</p> - -<p class='c023'>Ad Page 33, ‘exhiliration’ changed to ‘exhilaration,’ “is an exhilaration,”</p> - -<p class='c023'>Back Cover, full stop inserted after ‘YORK,’ “STREET, NEW YORK.”</p> - - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Will Rossiter's Original Talkalogues -by American Jokers, by Will Rossiter - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WILL ROSSITER'S ORIGINAL TALKALOGUES *** - -***** This file should be named 53280-h.htm or 53280-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/3/2/8/53280/ - -Produced by Demian Katz and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (Images courtesy -of the Digital Library@Villanova University -(http://digital.library.villanova.edu/)) - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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