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+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #53190 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/53190)
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-The Project Gutenberg EBook of Absurd Ditties, by G. E. Farrow
-
-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most
-other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
-whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of
-the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at
-www.gutenberg.org.  If you are not located in the United States, you'll have
-to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook.
-
-Title: Absurd Ditties
-
-Author: G. E. Farrow
-
-Illustrator: John Hassall
-
-Release Date: October 1, 2016 [EBook #53190]
-
-Language: English
-
-Character set encoding: UTF-8
-
-*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ABSURD DITTIES ***
-
-
-
-
-Produced by David Edwards, readbueno and the Online
-Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
-book was produced from scanned images of public domain
-material from the Google Books project.)
-
-
-
-
-
-
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
-
-
-
-                             ABSURD DITTIES
-
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
-
-
-
-                                 THESE
-                                   TO
-                               MY FRIEND
-                        T. FRANCIS VERE FOSTER.
-
-                                                                G. E. F.
-
-
-
-
-                             ABSURD DITTIES
-
-                                   BY
-
-                              G. E. FARROW
-
-                 _Author of "The Wallypug of Why" etc._
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                       WITH PICTORIAL ABSURDITIES
-                                   BY
-                              JOHN HASSALL
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                                 LONDON
-                    GEORGE ROUTLEDGE AND SONS, LTD.
-                     NEW YORK: E. P. DUTTON AND CO.
-                                  1903
-
-
-
-
-                               CONTENTS.
-
-
-                                                                PAGE.
-
-           I. THAT OF MR. JUSTICE DEAR                              1
-
-          II. THAT OF THE LATE MR. BROWN                            5
-
-         III. THAT OF OUR OLD FRIEND, BISHOP P.                     9
-
-          IV. THAT OF CAPTAIN ARCHIBALD MCKAN                      15
-
-           V. THAT OF MATILDA                                      20
-
-          VI. THAT OF "DOCTHOR" PATRICK O'DOOLEY                   25
-
-         VII. THAT OF MY AUNT BETSY                                31
-
-        VIII. THAT OF THE TUCK-SHOP WOMAN                          37
-
-          IX. THAT OF S. P. IDERS WEBBE, SOLICITOR                 43
-
-           X. THAT OF MONSIEUR ALPHONSE VERT                       50
-
-          XI. THAT OF LORD WILLIAM OF PURLEIGH                     55
-
-         XII. THAT OF PASHA ABDULLA BEY                            60
-
-        XIII. THAT OF ALGERNON CROKER                              65
-
-         XIV. THAT OF——?                                           69
-
-          XV. THAT OF THE RIVAL HAIRDRESSERS                       75
-
-         XVI. THAT OF THE AUCTIONEER'S DREAM                       80
-
-        XVII. THAT OF THE PLAIN COOK                               86
-
-       XVIII. THAT OF TWO MEDDLESOME PARTIES AND THEIR
-              RESPECTIVE FATES                                     91
-
-         XIX. THAT OF THE HOOLIGAN AND THE PHILANTHROPIST          98
-
-          XX. THAT OF THE SOCIALIST AND THE EARL                  104
-
-         XXI. THAT OF THE RETIRED PORK-BUTCHER AND THE SPOOK      109
-
-        XXII. THAT OF THE POET AND THE BUCCANEERS                 115
-
-       XXIII. THAT OF THE UNDERGROUND "SULPHUR CURE"              121
-
-        XXIV. THAT OF THE FAIRY GRANDMOTHER AND THE COMPANY
-              PROMOTER                                            127
-
-         XXV. THAT OF THE GEISHA AND THE JAPANESE WARRIOR         132
-
-        XXVI. THAT OF THE INDISCREET HEN AND THE RESOURCEFUL
-              ROOSTER                                             137
-
-       XXVII. THAT OF A DUEL IN FRANCE                            141
-
-      XXVIII. THAT OF THE ASTUTE NOVELIST                         146
-
-        XXIX. THAT OF THE ABSENT-MINDED LADY                      151
-
-         XXX. THAT OF THE GERMAN BAKER AND THE COOK               155
-
-        XXXI. THAT OF THE CONVERTED CANNIBALS                     160
-
-       XXXII. THAT OF A FRUITLESS ENDEAVOUR                       164
-
-      XXXIII. THAT OF THE UNFORTUNATE LOVER                       168
-
-       XXXIV. THAT OF THE FEMALE GORILLY                          174
-
-        XXXV. THAT OF THE ARTIST AND THE MOTOR-CAR. (A
-              TRAGEDY)                                            179
-
-       XXXVI. THAT OF THE INCONSIDERATE NABOB AND THE LADY WHO
-              DESIRED TO BE A BEGUM                               184
-
-      XXXVII. THAT OF DR. FARLEY, M.D., SPECIALIST IN LITTLE
-              TOES                                                188
-
-     XXXVIII. THAT OF JEREMIAH SCOLES, MISER                      192
-
-       XXXIX. THAT OF THE HIGH-SOULED YOUTH                       196
-
-          LX. THAT OF MR. JUSTICE DEAR'S LITTLE JOKE AND THE
-              UNFORTUNATE MAN WHO COULD NOT SEE IT                201
-
-         LXI. THAT OF THE LADIES OF ASCENSION ISLAND              205
-
-        LXII. THAT OF THE ARTICULATING SKELETON                   208
-
-       LXIII. THAT OF YE LOVE PHILTRE: (AN OLD-ENGLISH LEGEND)    211
-
-        LXIV. THAT OF THE BARGAIN SALE                            216
-
-         LXV. THAT OF A DECEASED FLY (A BALLADE)                  221
-
-              EPILOGUE                                            224
-
-
-
-
-                            ABSURD DITTIES.
-
-
-
-
-                                   I.
-                       THAT OF MR. JUSTICE DEAR.
-
-
-                 "'Tis really very, _very_ queer!"
-                 Ejaculated Justice Dear,
-                 "That, day by day, I'm sitting here
-                       Without a single 'case.'
-                 This is the twenty-second pair
-                 Of white kid gloves, I do declare,
-                 I've had this month. I can _not_ wear
-                       White kids at such a pace."
-
-[Illustration]
-
-              His Lordship thought the matter o'er.
-              "Crimes ne'er have been so few before;
-              Not long ago, I heard a score
-                  Of charges every day;
-              And now—dear me! how _can_ it be?—
-              And, pondering thus, went home to tea.
-                  (He lives Bayswater way.)
-
-              A frugal mind has Justice Dear
-              (Indeed, I've heard folks call him "near"),
-              And, caring naught for jibe or jeer,
-                  He rides home on a bus.
-              It singularly came to pass,
-              _This_ day, he chanced to ride, alas!
-              Beside two of the burglar class;
-                  And one addressed him thus:
-
-              "We knows yer, Mr. Justice Dear,
-              You've often giv' us 'time'—d'ye hear?—
-              And now your pitch we're going to queer,
-                  We criminals has _struck_!
-              We're on the 'honest livin' tack,
-              An' not another crib we'll crack,
-              So Justices will get the sack!
-                  How's _that_, my legal buck?"
-
-              This gave his Lordship quite a fright,
-              He had not viewed it in that light.
-              "Dear me!" he thought, "these men are right,
-                    I'd better smooth them down.
-              "Let's not fall out, my friends," said he,
-              "Continue with your burglarie;
-              Your point of view I clearly see.
-                    Ahem! Here's half-a-crown."
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                The morning sun shone bright and clear
-                On angry Mr. Justice Dear;
-                His language was not good to hear;
-                      With rage he'd like to burst.
-                His watch and chain, and several rings,
-                His silver-plate, and other things,
-                Had disappeared on magic wings—
-                      _They'd burgled his house first_!
-
-
-
-
-                                  II.
-                      THAT OF THE LATE MR. BROWN.
-
-
-               Life has its little ups, and downs,
-                 As has been very truly said,
-                   And Mr. Brown,
-                   Of Camden Town
-                 (Alas! the gentleman is dead),
-               Found out how quickly Fortune's smile
-                 May turn to Fortune's frown;
-               And how a sudden rise in life
-                 May bring a person down.
-
-               He lived—as I remarked before—
-                 Within a highly genteel square
-                   At Camden Town,
-                   Did Mr. Brown
-                 (He had been born and brought up there);
-               But—waxing richer year by year—
-                 Grew prosperous and fat,
-               And left the square at Camden Town
-                 To take a West End flat.
-
-                It was a very stylish flat,
-                  With such appointments on each floor
-                    As Mr. Brown
-                    At Camden Town
-                  Had never, never seen before:
-                Electric lights; hydraulic lifts,
-                  To take one up and down;
-                And telephones _to everywhere_.
-                  (These quite bewildered Brown.)
-
-                The elevator pleased him most;
-                  To ride in it was perfect bliss.
-                    "I say!" cried Brown,
-                    "At Camden Town
-                  We'd nothing half as good as this."
-                From early morn till dewy eve
-                  He spent his time—did Brown—
-                In being elevated up,
-                  And elevated down.
-
-                One night—I cannot tell you why—
-                  When all the household soundly slept,
-                    Poor Mr. Brown
-                    (Late Camden Town)
-                  Into the elevator stept;
-                It stuck midway 'twixt floor and floor,
-                  And when they got it down,
-                They found that it was all U.—P.
-                  With suffocated Brown.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                Yes, life _is_ full of ups and downs,
-                  As someone said in days of yore.
-                    They buried Brown
-                    At Camden Town
-                  (The place where he had lived before);
-                And now, alas! a-lack-a-day!
-                  In black and solemn gowns,
-                Disconsolate walk Mrs. Brown
-                  And all the little Browns.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                                  III.
-                    THAT OF OUR OLD FRIEND BISHOP P.
-
-     (With many thanks to Mr. W. S. Gilbert for his kind assurances
-       that the inclusion of these verses causes him no offence.)
-
-
-                 Twice Mr. Gilbert sang to you
-                 Of Bishop P., of Rum-ti-foo;
-                 Now, by your leave, I'll do that too,
-                     Altho' I'm bound to fail
-                 (So you will tell me to my face)
-                 In catching e'en the slightest trace
-                 Of true Gilbertian charm, or grace,
-                     To decorate my tale.
-
-                 Still, I will tell, as best I can,
-                 How Bishop Peter—worthy man—
-                     Is getting on by now.
-                 Now where shall I begin? Let's see?
-                 You know, I think, that Bishop P.
-                 (Wishful to please his flock was he)
-                     Once took the bridegroom's vow.
-
-                You doubtless recollect, His Grace
-                Wed Piccadil'lee of that place,
-                And Peterkins were born apace,
-                    When she became his bride.
-                In fact I'm told that there were three,
-                When dusky Piccadillillee,
-                In odour of sanctittittee,
-                    Incontinently died.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                Some years have passed since her demise
-                But Bishop Peter—bless his eyes—
-                That saintly prelate, kind, and wise,
-                    Is excellently well.
-                And, not so very long ago,
-                He sought to wed—this gallant beau
-                (His faithful flock desired it so)—
-                    Another Island belle.
-
-                There was one difficulty, this:
-                Our Peter wooed a dusky Miss
-                Who (tho' inclined to married bliss)
-                    Declared him rather old;
-                Who giggled at his bald, bald head,
-                And even went so far, 'tis said,
-                As to decline His Grace to wed,
-                    Did Lollipoppee bold.
-
-                But, one day, on that far-off reef,
-                A merchant vessel came to grief,
-                And all the cargo—to be brief—
-                    Was washed upon the shore.
-                Most of the crew, I grieve to state,
-                Except the Bos'un and the Mate,
-                Were lost. Theirs was a woesome fate,
-                    And one we all deplore.
-
-               Amongst the wreckage on the strand,
-               A box of "Tatcho" came to land,
-               Which, there half buried in the sand,
-                   The Bishop—singing hymns
-               Amongst his flock down by the shore—
-               Discovered, and they open tore
-               The case. Behold! The contents bore
-                   The magic name of Sims.
-
-               "What! G. R. Sims?" quoth Bishop P.
-               (Visions of "Billy's Rose" had he),
-               "Good gracious now! It Sims to me
-                   I've heard that name before."
-               (Oh, well bred flock! there was not one
-               Who did not laugh at this poor pun;
-               They revelled in their Bishop's fun.
-                   They even cried "Encore!")
-
-               Then spake the Mate (whose name was Ted):
-               "Now this 'ere stuff, so I've 'eard said,
-               Will make the 'air grow on yer 'ead
-                   As thick as any mat."
-               "Indeed?" quoth worthy Bishop P.;
-               "Then 'tis the very thing for me,
-               For I am bald, as you may see."
-                   His Grace removed his hat.
-
-               The Bo'sun quickly broke the neck
-               Of one large bottle from the wreck,
-               Proceeding then His Grace to deck
-                   With towels (careful man,
-               This was to save his coat of black,
-               For "Tatcho" running down one's back
-               Is clearly off its proper tack).
-                   And then the fun began.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                 For Ted he rubbed the liquid through,
-                 As hard as ever he could do.
-                 And worthy Jack rubbed some in too
-                     (The Bo'sun's name was Jack).
-                 And day by day they did the same.
-                 Now "Tatcho" ne'er belies its fame,
-                 And soon a little hair there came
-                     (His Lordship's hair is black).
-
-                 Miss Lollipoppee views with glee
-                 The change in worthy Bishop P.
-                 _Now_ quite agreed to wed is she
-                     (The banns were called to-day).
-                 No "just cause or impediment"
-                 Can interfere with their content;
-                 The natives' loyal sentiment
-                     Is summed up in "Hooray!"
-
-
-
-
-                                  IV.
-                    THAT OF CAPTAIN ARCHIBALD McKAN.
-
-
-                There never lived a worthier man
-                Than Captain Archibald McKan.
-                I knew him well some time ago
-                (I speak of twenty years or so);
-                _Sans peur et sans reproche_ was he;
-                He was the soul of chivalry,
-                    Was Captain Archibald McKan.
-
-                True greatness showed in all his mien,
-                No haughty pride in him was seen,
-                Though, captain of a steamer, he,
-                From Greenwich unto far Chelsea,
-                That, spite of weather, wind, and tide,
-                From early Spring to Autumn plied,
-                    Brave, modest Captain A. McKan.
-
-                However sternly might his roar
-                Reverberate from shore to shore
-                Of "Ease her! Back her! Hard astern!"
-                His duty done, with smile he'd turn
-                And be most affable and mild
-                To every woman, man, or child
-                    Aboard, would Captain A. McKan.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-              He reassured the anxious fears
-              Of nervous ladies—pretty dears!—
-              He in his pocket carried toys
-              And sweets for little girls and boys;
-              He talked in quite familiar way
-              With men who voyaged day by day,
-                  Did Captain Archibald McKan.
-
-              In fact, as I've already said,
-              No man alive—or even dead—
-              Was freer from reproach than he;
-              And yet of Fortune's irony
-              (Though such a very decent sort)
-              This worthy man was e'en the sport.
-                  Alas! was Captain A. McKan!
-
-              "_Cherchez la femme._" The phrase is trite,
-              Yet here, as usual, 'twas right.
-              Our Captain noted every day
-              A certain girl rode all the way
-              From Greenwich Pier to Wapping Stair.
-              "It _cannot_ be to take the air,"
-                  Thought Captain Archibald McKan.
-
-              She calmly sat, with downcast eye;
-              And looking both demure and shy;
-              Yet, once, he caught a roving glance,
-              Which made his pulses wildly dance;
-              And,—though as modest as could be—
-              "I do believe she's gone on me,"
-                  Considered Captain A. McKan.
-
-                "Why else should she persistently
-                Select _my_ boat alone?" thought he;
-                "I _wonder_ why she comes? I'll ask,
-                Though 'tis a very ticklish task."
-                So, walking forward with a smile,
-                Beside the lass he stood awhile,
-                    Then coughed, did Captain A. McKan.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-               "You're frequently aboard my boat,"
-               Began he; "she's the best afloat;
-               But, pray, may I enquire, _do_ you
-               So _very_ much admire the view?"
-               "Er—moderately, sir," said she.
-               "Exactly so! It _must_ be _me_!"
-                   Decided Captain A. McKan.
-
-               "Come, tell me, Miss, now no one's by,"
-               He whispered; "Won't you tell me why
-               You come so oft? There's naught to dread."
-               The lady looked surprised, and said:
-               "My husband works at Wapping Stair,
-               I daily take his dinner there."
-                   _Poor_ Captain Archibald McKan!
-
-
-
-
-                                   V.
-                            THAT OF MATILDA.
-
-
-                Yes, I love you, dear Matilda,
-                  But you may not be my bride,
-                And the obstacles are many
-                  Which have caused me to decide.
-                Firstly, what is _most_ annoying,
-                  And I'm not above confessing,
-                Is, that I think you indolent,
-                  And over-fond of dressing.
-                I've known you spend an hour or two
-                  In a-sitting on a chair,
-                And a-fussing and attending
-                  To your toilet or your hair.
-
-                There's another little matter—
-                  You may say a simple thing—
-                Yet, Matilda, I must own it,
-                  I object to hear you sing.
-                For the sounds you make in singing
-                  Are so _very_ much like squalling,
-                That the only term appropriate
-                  To them is caterwauling.
-                Indeed, I've never _heard_ such horrid
-                  Noises in my life,
-                And I'd _certainly_ not tolerate
-                  Such singing in a wife.
-
-                And, Matilda dear, your language!
-                  It is really _very_ bad;
-                The expressions which you use at times,
-                  They make me feel quite sad.
-                It is very, very shocking,
-                  But I do not mind declaring
-                That I've heard some sounds proceeding
-                  From your lips so much like swearing,
-                That I've had to raise a finger,
-                  And to close at least _one_ ear,
-                For I couldn't feel quite certain
-                  _What_ bad words I mightn't hear.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                 But worse than this, Matilda:
-                   I hear, with pious grief,
-                 Many rumours that Matilda
-                   Is no better than a thief
-                 And I'm shocked to find my darling
-                   So entirely lost to feeling,
-                 As to go and give her mind up
-                   Unto picking and a-stealing.
-                 Oh, Matilda! pray take warning,
-                   For a prison cell doth yearn
-                 For a person that appropriates
-                   And takes what isn't her'n.
-
-                 And the culminating blow is this:
-                   _You stay out late at night_.
-                 Now, Matilda dear, you must confess
-                   To do this is _not_ right.
-                 Where you go to, dear, or what you do,
-                   There really is _no_ telling,
-                 And with rage and indignation
-                   My fond foolish heart is swelling.
-                 Yet the faults which I've enumera-
-                   Ted can't be wondered at,
-                 When one realises clearly
-                   That "Matilda"—is a _cat_.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                                  VI.
-                  THAT OF "DOCTHOR" PATRICK O'DOOLEY.
-
-
-               In the South Pacific Ocean
-                 In an oiland called Koodoo,
-               An' the monarch ov thot oiland
-                 Iz King Hulla-bulla-loo.
-               Oi wuz docthor to thot monarch
-                 Wonct. Me name iz Pat O'Dooley.
-               Yis, you're roight. Oi come from Oirland,
-                 From the County Ballyhooly.
-
-               An' Oi'll tell yez how Oi came to be
-                 A docthor in Koodoo;
-               May the Divil burn the ind ov me,
-                 If ivery word's not thrue.
-               Oi wuz sailin' to Ameriky,
-                 Aboard the "Hilly Haully,"
-               Which wuz drounded in the ocean,
-                 For the toime ov year wuz squally.
-
-                  An' Oi floated on a raft, sor,
-                    For some twinty days or more,
-                  Till Oi cum to Koodoo Island,
-                    Phwich Oi'd niver seen before.
-                  But the natives ov thot counthry,
-                    Sure, would take a lot ov batin',
-                  For a foine young sthrappin' feller
-                    They think moighty pleasint atin'.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-               An' they wint an' told the King, sor,
-                 Him called Hulla-bulla-loo.
-               "Ye come from Oirland, sor?" sez he.
-                 "Bedad!" sez Oi, "thot's true."
-               Thin he whispered to the cook, sor;
-                 An' the cook he giv me warnin':
-               "It's Oirish _stew_ you'll be," sez he,
-                 "To-morrow, come the marnin'."
-
-               But to-morrow, be the Powers, sor,
-                 The King wuz moighty bad,
-               Wid most odjus pains insoide him,
-                 An' they nearly drove him mad;
-               So he sint a little note, sor,
-                 By the cook, apologoizin'
-               For not cooking me that day, sor,
-                 Wid politeness most surprisin'!
-
-               An' Oi wrote him back a letther,
-                 Jist expressin' my regret,
-               Thot Oi shouldn't hiv the honor,
-                 Sor, ov bein' cooked an' et;
-               An' Oi indid up the letther
-                 Wid a midical expresshin,
-               As would lead him to imagine
-                 Oi belonged to the professhin.
-
-               Och! he sint for me _at wonct_, sor.
-                 "If ye'll _only_ save me loife,"
-               Sez he, "Oi'll give yez money,
-                 An' a most attractive woife,
-               An' ye won't be in the _menu_
-                 Ov me little dinner party
-               If ye'll only pull me round," sez he,
-               "An' make me sthrong an' hearty."
-
-               So Oi made a diagnosis
-                 Wid my penknife an' some sthring
-               (Though Oi hadn't got a notion
-                 How they made the blessid thing;
-               But Oi knew thot docthors did it
-                 Phwen they undertook a case, sor),
-               An' Oi saw his pulse, an' filt his tongue,
-                 An' pulled a sarious face, sor.
-
-               Thin Oi troied a bit ov blarney.
-                 "Plaze, yer gracious Madjisty,
-               It's yer brains iz much too big, sor,
-                 For yer cranium, ye see."
-               But the King he looked suspicious,
-                 An' he giv a moighty frown, sor.
-               "The pain's not there at all," sez he,
-                 "_The pain is further down_, sor."
-
-             "Oi'm commin', sor, to thot," sez Oi.
-               "Lie quiet, sor, an' still,
-             While Oi go an' make yer Madjisty
-               Me cilebratid pill."
-             In the pocket ov me jacket
-               Oi had found an old ship's biscuit
-             ("An' Oi think," sez Oi, "'twill do," sez Oi,
-               "At any rate Oi'll risk it").
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                The biscuit it wuz soft an' black
-                  By raisin ov the wet,
-                An' it made the foinist pill, sor,
-                  Thot Oi've iver seen as yet;
-                It wuz flavoured rayther sthrongly
-                  Wid salt wather an' tobaccy,
-                But, be jabers, sor, it did the thrick,
-                  An' _cured_ the blissid blackie!
-
-                The King wuz as deloighted,
-                  An' as grateful as could be,
-                An' he got devorced from all his woives,
-                  An' giv _the lot_ to me;
-                But a steamer, passin' handy,
-                  Wuz more plazin' to "yours trooly,"
-                An' among the passingers aboard
-                Wuz the "Docthor",—Pat O'Dooley.
-
-
-
-
-                                  VII.
-                         THAT OF MY AUNT BETSY.
-
-
-[Illustration]
-
-               You may have met, when walking out
-                or thereabout,
-               A lady (angular and plain)
-               Escorted by an ancient swain,
-                 Or, possibly, by two,
-               Each leading by a piece of string
-               A lazy, fat, and pampered thing
-               Supposed to be a dog. You may,
-               Perhaps, have noticed them, I say,
-                 And, if so, thought, "They do
-               Present unto the public gaze
-                 A singular appearance—very."
-               That lady, doubtless, was my aunt,
-                 Miss Betsy Jane Priscilla Perry.
-
-               The gentleman—or gentle_men_—
-               Attending her were Captain Venne
-               And Major Alec Stubbs. These two
-               For many years had sought to woo
-                 My maiden aunt, Miss P.,
-               Who never _could_ make up her mind
-               Which one to marry, so was kind
-               To one or other—each in turn—
-               Thus causing jealous pangs to burn.
-                 I incidentally
-               Should mention here the quadrupeds—
-                 Respectively called "Popsey Petsey,"—
-               A mongrel pug;—and "Baby Heart,"—
-                 A poodle—both belonged to Betsy.
-
-               You'd notice Captain Venne was tall,
-               And Major Stubbs compact and small;
-               These two on nought could e'er agree,
-               Except in this—they hated me,
-                 Sole nephew to Aunt Bess.
-               My aunt was very wealthy, and
-               I think you'll quickly understand
-               The situation, when I say
-               That Captain Venne was on half-pay,
-                 And Major Stubbs on _less_.
-               To me it was so very plain
-                 And evident, I thought it funny
-               My aunt should never, never see
-                 They wanted, not her, but her money.
-
-               And Stubbs and Venne they did arrange
-               A plan, intended to estrange
-               My aunt and me. They told her lies;
-               And one day, to my great surprise,
-                 A letter came for me.
-               Requesting me to "call at six,"
-               For aunt had "heard of all the tricks
-               I had been up to," and "was sad
-               At hearing an account so bad."
-                I went—in time for tea.
-               My aunt was looking so severe
-                 I felt confused, a perfect noodle
-               While Major Stubbs caressed the pug,
-                 And Captain Venne he nursed the poodle.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-              "Dear Major Stubbs," my aunt began,
-              "Has told me all—quite all he _can_—
-              Of your sad goings on. Oh, fie!
-              Where will you go to when you die,
-                You naughty wicked boy?"
-              And Captain Venne has told me too
-              What _very_ dreadful things you do.
-              Of course I cannot but believe
-              My two dear friends. _They'd_ not deceive,
-                Nor characters destroy,
-              Without a cause. Go, leave me now,
-                You'll see my purpose shall not falter
-              I'll send at once for Lawyer Slymm,
-                My latest will to bring and alter."
-
-              I fear I lost my temper—quite;
-              _I know_ I said what wasn't right;
-              You see, I felt it hard to bear
-              (And really, I contend, unfair),
-                To be misjudged like this.
-              I tried to argue, but 'twas vain,
-              "My mind is fixed—my way is plain,"
-              My aunt declared. "Then hear me now!"
-              I hotly cried, "There's naught, I vow,
-                To cause you to dismiss
-              Your nephew thus, but, as you please.
-                And if, perchance, you wish to do it,
-              Your money leave to your two friends;
-                They want it, and—they're welcome to it."
-
-              I hurried out. I slammed the door.
-              I vowed I'd never call there more.
-              And neither did I, in my pride,
-              Till six weeks since, when poor aunt died,
-                And then, from Lawyer Slymm
-              I got a little note, which said:
-              "The will on Tuesday will be read."
-              I went, and found that "Baby Heart"
-              From Captain Venne must ne'er depart—
-                She had been left to him;
-              While "Popsey Petsey" Major Stubbs
-                Received as his sole legacy
-              And that was all. The money—oh!
-                The money—that was left to _me_.
-
-
-
-
-                                 VIII.
-                      THAT OF THE TUCK-SHOP WOMAN.
-
-
-               Of all the schools throughout the land
-               St. Vedast's is the oldest, and
-                   All men are proud
-                   (And justly proud)
-               Who claim St. Vedast's as their _Al-
-               Ma mater_. There I went a cal-
-               Low youth. Don't think I'm going to paint
-               The glories of this school—I ain't.
-
-               The Rev. Cecil Rowe, M.A.,
-               Was classics Master in my day,
-                   A learned man
-                   (A worthy man)
-               In fact you'd very rarely see
-               A much more clever man than he.
-               But if you think you'll hear a lot
-               About this person,—you will not.
-
-               The porter was a man named Clarke;
-               We boys considered it a lark
-                   To play him tricks
-                   (The usual tricks
-               Boys play at public schools like this),
-               And Clarke would sometimes take amiss
-               These tricks. But don't think I would go
-               And only sing of him. Oh, no!
-
-               This ditty, I would beg to state,
-               Professes likewise to relate
-                   The latter words
-                   (The solemn words)
-               Of her who kept the tuck-shop at
-               St. Vedast's. I'd inform you that
-               The porter was her only son
-               (The reason was—she had but one).
-
-               For many years the worthy soul
-               Had kept the shop—the well-loved goal
-                   Of little boys
-                   (And larger boys)
-               Who bought the tarts, and ginger pop
-               And other things sold at her shop—
-               But, feebler growing year by year,
-               She felt her end was drawing near.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                 She therefore bade her son attend,
-                 That she might whisper, ere her end,
-                     A startling tale
-                     (A secret tale)
-                 That on her happiness had preyed,
-                 And heavy on her conscience weighed
-                 For many a year. "Alas! my son,"
-                 She sighed, "injustice has been done.
-
-                 "Let not your bitter anger rise,
-                 Nor gaze with sad reproachful eyes
-                     On one who's been
-                     (You _know_ I've been)
-                 For many years your mother, dear;
-                 And though you think my story queer,
-                 Believe—or I shall feel distressed—
-                 I _thought_ I acted for the best.
-
-                 "When you were but a tiny boy
-                 (Your mother's and your father's joy),
-                     Good Mr. Rowe
-                     (The Revd. Rowe)
-                 Was but a little baby too,
-                 Who very much resembled you,
-                 And, being poorly off in purse,
-                 I took this baby out to nurse.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-               "Alike in features and in size—
-               So like, indeed, the keenest eyes
-                   Would find it hard
-                   (Extremely hard)
-               To tell the t'other from the one——"
-               "Hold! though your tale is but begun,"
-               The porter cried, "a man may guess
-               The secret of your keen distress.
-
-               "You changed the babes at nurse, and I
-               (No wonder that you weep and sigh),
-                   Tho' callèd Clarke
-                   (School Porter Clarke),
-               Am _really_ Mr. Rowe. I see.
-               And he, of course, poor man, is _me_,
-               While all the fortune he has known
-               Through these long years should be my own.
-
-               "Oh falsely, falsely, have you done
-               To call me all this time your son;
-                   I've always felt
-                   (Distinctly felt)
-               That I was born to better things
-               Than portering, and such-like, brings,
-               I'll hurry now, and tell poor Rowe
-               What, doubtless, he will feel a blow."
-
-               "Stay! stay!" the woman cried, "'tis true,
-               My poor ill-treated boy, that you
-                   Have every right
-                   (Undoubted right)
-               To feel aggrieved. I _had_ the chance
-               Your future welfare to advance
-               By changing babes. I knew I'd rue it,
-               My poor boy—but—_I didn't do it_."
-
-
-
-
-                                  IX.
-                 THAT OF S. P. IDERS WEBBE, SOLICITOR.
-
-
-               Young Mr. S. P. Iders Webbe,
-                 Solicitor, of Clifford's Inn,
-               Sat working in his chambers, which
-                 Were far removed from traffic's din.
-               To those in legal trouble he
-               Lent ready ear of sympathy—
-               And six-and-eightpence was his fee.
-
-               To widows and to orphans, too,
-                 Young Mr. Webbe was very nice,
-               And turned none from his door away
-                 Who came to seek for his advice:
-               To these, I humbly beg to state—
-               The sad and the disconsolate—
-               His fee was merely six-and-eight.
-
-               He'd heave a sympathetic sigh,
-                 And squeeze each bankrupt client's hand
-               While listening to a tale of woe
-                 Salt tears within his eyes would stand.
-               Naught, naught his sympathies could stem,
-               And he would only charge—ahem!—
-               A paltry six-and-eight to _them_.
-
-               This gentleman, as I observed,
-                 Was calmly seated at his work,
-               When, from the waiting-room, a card
-                 Was brought in by the junior clerk.
-               "Nathaniel Blobbs? Pray ask him to
-               Step in," said Webbe. "How do you do?
-               A very pleasant day to you."
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-         "A pleasant day be hanged!" said Blobbs,
-           A wealthy man and very stout
-         (That he was boiling o'er with rage
-           There could not be the slightest doubt).
-         "I'm given, sir, to understand
-         You're suitor for my daughter's hand.
-         An explanation I demand!
-
-         "I _know_ your lawyer's tricks, my man;
-           In courting of my daughter Jane—
-         Who's rather plain and not too young—
-           _My_ money's what _you_ seek to gain.
-         Confound you, sir!" the man did roar.
-         "My daughter Jane is no match for
-         A beggarly solicitor!"
-
-         At words like these _most_ gentlemen
-           Would really have been somewhat riled;
-         But do not think that Mr. Webbe
-           Was angry. No; he merely _smiled_.
-         But, oh! my friends, the legal smile
-         Is not to trust. 'Tis full of guile.
-         (_So_ smiles the hungry crocodile.)
-
-         "I see," Webbe most politely said,
-           "My worthy sir, _your_ point of view.
-         You're wealthy; I am poor. Of course,
-           What I proposed would never do.
-         If only, now, I'd property,
-         And _you_ were—well, as poor as _me_——"
-         "Pooh! that," cried Blobbs, "can _never_ be."
-
-         "Think not?" said Webbe. "Well, p'r'aps you're right.
-           And so—there's nothing more to say.
-         You _must_ be going? What! so soon?
-           I'm _sorry_, sir, you cannot stay!"
-         Blobbs went—and slammed the outer door.
-         Webbe calmly made the bill out for
-         The interview—a lengthy score.
-
-         He charged—at highest legal rate—
-           For every word he'd uttered; and
-         He even put down six-and-eight
-           "To asking for Miss Blobbs's hand";
-         Next, in the Court of Common Pleas
-         A "Breach of Promise" case, with ease,
-         He instituted—if you please.
-
-         He gained the day, because the maid
-           Was over age, the Judge averred,
-         And Blobbs was forced to "grin and pay,"
-           Although he vowed 'twas _most_ absurd.
-         The "damages," of course, were slight;
-         But "legal costs" by no means light.
-         (Webbe shared in these as was his right.)
-
-         Outside the Court indignant Blobbs
-           Gave vent to some expressions which
-         Were libellous, and quickly Webbe
-           Was "down on him" for "using sich."
-         Once more the day was Webbe's, and he,
-         By posing as a damagee,
-         Obtained a thousand pounds, you see.
-
-         With this round sum he then contrived
-           To buy a vacant small estate
-         Adjoining Blobbs, who went and did
-           _Something_ illegal with a gate.
-         Webbe "had him up" for _that_, of course;
-         Then something else (about a horse),
-         And later on a water-course.
-
-         He sued for this, he sued for that,
-           Till action upon action lay,
-         And in the Royal Courts of Law
-           "Webbe _versus_ Blobbs" came on each day.
-         "Law costs" and big "retaining fees,"
-         "Mulcted in fines"—such things as these
-         Made Blobbs feel very ill at ease.
-
-         As Webbe grew rich, so he grew poor,
-           Till finally he said: "Hang pride!
-         I'll let this fellow, if he must,
-           Have Jane, my daughter, for his bride."
-         He went once more to Clifford's Inn.
-         Webbe welcomed him with genial grin:
-         "My _very_ dear sir, pray step in."
-
-         "Look here!" cried Blobbs. "I'll fight no more!
-           You lawyer fellows, on my life,
-         _Will_ have your way. I must give in.
-           My daughter Jane _shall_ be your wife!"
-         "Dear me! this _is_ unfortunate,"
-         Said Webbe. "I much regret to state
-         Your condescension comes too late.
-
-         "For, sir, I marry this day week
-           (Being a man of property)
-         The young and lovely daughter of
-           Sir Simon Upperten, M.P."
-         Then, in a light and airy way:
-         "I think there's nothing more to say.
-         _Pray_, mind the bottom step. _Good_ day!"
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                                   X.
-                    THAT OF MONSIEUR ALPHONSE VERT.
-
-
-             Your Mistair Rudyar' Kipling say
-               Ze cricquette man is "flannel fool."
-             _Ah! oui! Très bon!_ I say so too,
-               Since Mastair Jack, _enfant_ at school,
-             He show me how to play ze same.
-             I like it not—ze cricquette game.
-
-             My name is Monsieur Alphonse Vert
-               (You call him in ze English "Green");
-             I go to learn ze English tongue,
-               And lodge myself at Ealing Dean
-             In family of Mistair Brown,
-             Who has _affaire_ each day "in town."
-
-             Miss Angelina Brown she is
-               _Très charmante_—what you call "so pretty";
-             I walk and talk wiz her sometimes
-               When Mr. Brown go to ze City;
-             I fall in love (pardon zese tears)
-             All over head, all over ears.
-
-             I buy her books, and flowers (_bouquet_),
-               And tickets for _la matinée_,
-             And to ze cricquette match we go,
-               _Hélas!_ upon one Saturday.
-             To me she speak zere not at all.
-             But watch ze men, and watch ze ball.
-
-             Ze cricquette men zey run, zey bat,
-               Zey throw ze ball, zey catch, zey shout;
-             And Angelina clap her hands.
-               Vot for, I know not, all about,
-             And in myself I say "_Ah! oui!_
-             I _too_ a cricquette man shall be."
-
-             To Angelina's brother Jack
-               (His name is also Mastair Brown)
-             I say, "Come, teach me cricquette match,
-               And I will give you half-a-crown."
-             Jack say, "My eye!" (in French _mes yeux_)[1]
-             "Oh! what a treat!" (in French _c'est beau_).
-
-             After, to Ealing Common we
-               Go out, with "wicquette" and with "ball,"
-             And what Jack calls a "cricquette-bat."
-               (Zese tings I do not know at all;
-             But Angelina I would catch,
-             So "_Allons! Vive la cricquette match!_")
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                I hold ze "bat," Jack hold ze "ball."
-                  "Now zen! Look out!" I hear him cry.
-                I drop ze "bat," I look about;
-                  Ze ball—he hit me in ze eye."
-                I cry, "_Parbleu!_" Ze stars I see.
-                I think it is "all up" wiz me.
-
-                I try again. Ze "ball" is hard.
-                  I catch him two times—on ze nose.
-                I run, I fall, I hurt my arm,
-                  I spoil my new white flannel clothes,
-                In every part I'm bruised and sore,
-                So cricquette match I play no more.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                 I change my clothes, I patch my eye,
-                   I tie my nose up in a sling,
-                 And to Miss Angelina Brown
-                   Myself and all my woes I bring.
-                 "Ah, see," I cry, "how love can make
-                 Alphonse a hero for thy sake."
-
-                 But Angelina laugh and laugh,
-                   And say, "I know it isn't right
-                 To laugh; but you must please forgive
-                   Me. You look _such_ a fright!"
-                 And next day Jack say, "I say, Bones,
-                 My sister's going to marry Jones."
-
-Footnote 1:
-
-  Frenchmen could never make these two words rhyme—but Englishmen can.
-
-  I've heard 'em. G. E. F.
-
-
-
-
-                                  XI.
-                   THAT OF LORD WILLIAM OF PURLEIGH.
-
-
-        Lord William of Purleigh retired for the night
-          With a mind full of worry and trouble,
-        Which was caused by an income uncommonly slight,
-          And expenses uncommonly double.
-        Now the same sort of thing often happens, to me—
-        And perhaps to yourself—for most singularlee
-          One's accounts—if one keeps 'em—will never come right,
-          If, of "moneys received," one spends double.
-
-        His lordship had gone rather early to bed,
-          And for several hours had been sleeping,
-        When he suddenly woke—and the hair on his head
-          Slowly rose—he could hear someone creeping
-        About in his room, in the dead of the night,
-        With a lantern, which showed but a glimmer of light,
-          And his impulse, at first, was to cover his head
-          When he heard that there burglar a-creeping.
-
-        But presently thinking "Poor fellow, there's naught
-          In the house worth a burglar a-taking,
-        And, being a kind-hearted lord, p'r'aps I ought,
-          To explain the mistake he's a-making."
-        Lord William, then still in his woolly night-cap
-        (For appearances noblemen don't care a rap),
-          His second-best dressing-gown hastily sought,
-          And got up without any noise making.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-       "I'm exceedingly sorry," his lordship began,
-         "But your visit, I fear, will be fruitless.
-       I possess neither money, nor jewels, my man,
-         So your burglaring here will be bootless.
-       The burglar was startled, but kept a cool head,
-       And bowed, as his lordship, continuing, said:
-         "Excuse me a moment. I'll find if I can
-         My warm slippers, for I _too_ am bootless."
-
-       This pleasantry put them both quite at their ease;
-         They discoursed of De Wet, and of Tupper.
-       Then the household his lordship aroused, if you please,
-         And invited the burglar to supper.
-       The burglar told tales of his hardly-won wealth,
-       And each drank to the other one's jolly good health.
-         There's a charm about informal parties like these,
-         And it was a most excellent supper.
-
-       Then the lord told the burglar how poor he'd become,
-         And of all which occasioned his lordship distress;
-       And the burglar—who wasn't hard-hearted like some—
-         His sympathy ventured thereat to express:
-       "I've some thoughts in my mind, if I might be so bold
-       As to mention them, but—no—they mustn't be told.
-         They are hopes which, perhaps, I might talk of to some,
-         But which to a lord—no, I dare not express."
-
-       "Pooh! Nonsense!" his lordship cried, "Out with it, man!
-         What is it, my friend, that you wish to suggest?
-       Rely upon me. I will do what I can.
-         Come! Let us see what's to be done for the best."
-       "I've a daughter," the burglar remarked with a sigh.
-       "The apple is she, so to speak, of my eye,
-         And she wishes to marry a lord, if she can—
-         And of all that I know—why, your lordship's the best.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-           "I am wealthy," the burglar continued, "you see,
-             And her fortune will really be ample:
-           I have given her every advantage, and she
-             Is a person quite up to your sample."
-           Lord William, at first, was inclined to look glum,
-           But, on thinking it over, remarked: "I will come
-             In the morning, to-morrow, the lady to see
-             If indeed she _is_ up to the sample."
-
-           On the morrow he called, and the lady he saw,
-             And he found her both charming and witty;
-           So he married her, though for a father-in-law
-             He'd a burglar, which p'r'aps was a pity.
-           However, she made him an excellent wife,
-           And the burglar he settled a fortune for life
-             On the pair. What an excellent father-in-law!
-             On the whole, p'r'aps, it _wasn't_ a pity.
-
-
-
-
-                                  XII.
-                       THAT OF PASHA ABDULLA BEY.
-
-
-                  Abdulla Bey—a Pasha—had
-                    A turn for joy and merriment:
-                  You never caught _him_ looking sad,
-                    Nor glowering in discontent.
-
-                  His normal attitude was one
-                    Of calm, serene placidity;
-                  His nature gay, and full of fun,
-                    And free from all acidity.
-
-                  A trifling instance I'll relate
-                    Of Pasha Bey's urbanity,
-                  The which will clearly indicate
-                    His marvellous humanity.
-
-                  He had a dozen wives or so
-                    (In him no immorality;
-                  For Eastern custom, as you know,
-                    Permits, of wives, plurality).
-
-                  Yes; quite a dozen wives—or more—
-                    Abdulla had, and for a while
-                  No sound was heard of strife or war
-                    Within Abdulla's domicile.
-
-                  But, oh! how rare it is to find
-                    A dozen ladies who'll consent
-                  To think as with a single mind,
-                    And live together in content.
-
-                  Abdulla's wives—altho', no doubt,
-                    If taken individually,
-                  Would never think of falling out,—
-                    Collectively, could _not_ agree.
-
-                  At first, in quite a playful way,
-                    They quarrelled—rather prettily;
-                  Then cutting things contrived to say
-                    About each other wittily;
-
-                  Then petty jealousies and sneers
-                    Began,—just feeble flickerings—
-                  Which grew, alas! to bitter tears,
-                    And fierce domestic bickerings.
-
-                  _You_ never had a dozen wives—
-                    Of course not—so you cannot know
-                  The grave discomfort in their lives
-                    These Pashas sometimes undergo.
-
-                  Abdulla Bey, however, _he_
-                    Was not the one to be dismayed,
-                  And doubtless you'll astounded be
-                    To hear what wisdom he displayed.
-
-                  He did not—as some would have done—
-                    Seek angry ladies to coerce;
-                  He did not use to any one
-                    Expressions impolite—or worse.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                No, what he did was simply this:
-                  He stood those ladies in a row,
-                And said, "My dears, don't take amiss
-                  What I'm about to say, you know.
-
-                "I find you cannot, like the birds,
-                  Within your little nest agree,
-                So I'll unfold, in briefest words,
-                  A plan which has occurred to me.
-
-                "These quarrellings, these manners lax,
-                  In comfort means a loss for us,
-                So I must tie you up in sacks
-                  And throw you in the Bosphorus."
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                 He tied them up; he threw them in;
-                   Then Pasha Bey, I beg to state,
-                 Did _not_ seek sympathy to win
-                   By posing as disconsolate.
-
-                 He mourned a week; and then, they say
-                   (A Pasha is, of course, a catch),
-                 Our friend, the good Abdulla Bey,
-                   Got married to another batch.
-
-
-
-
-                                 XIII.
-                        THAT OF ALGERNON CROKER.
-
-
-          Permit me, and I will quite briefly relate
-            The sad story of Algernon Croker.
-          Take warning, good friends, and beware of the fate
-            Of this asinine practical joker,
-          Who early in life caused the keenest distress
-            To his uncle, Sir Barnaby Tatton,
-          By affixing a pin in the form of an S
-            To the chair which Sir Barnaby sat on.
-
-          His uncle had often been heard to declare
-            That to make him his heir he was willing;
-          But the point of _this_ joke made Sir Barnaby swear
-            That he'd cut the boy off with a shilling.
-          Their anger his parents took means to express,
-            Tho' I may not, of course, be exact on
-          The particular spot—though you'll probably guess—
-            That young Croker was properly whacked on.
-
-          His pranks, when they presently sent him to school,
-            Resulted in endless disasters,
-          And final expulsion for playing the fool
-            (He made "apple-pie" beds for the masters).
-          Nor was he more fortunate later in life,
-            When courting a lady at Woking;
-          For he failed to secure this sweet girl for his wife
-            On account of his practical joking.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-           To her father—a person of eighteen-stone-two,
-             In a round-about coat and a topper—
-           He offered a seat; then the chair he withdrew,
-             And, of course, the old chap came a cropper.
-           Such conduct, the father exceedingly hurt,
-             And he wouldn't consent to the marriage;
-           So the daughter she married a person named Birt,
-             And she rides to this day in her carriage.
-
-           But these are mere trifles compared with the fate
-             Which o'ertook him, and which I'm recalling,
-           When he ventured to joke with an old Potentate,
-             With results which were simply appalling.
-           'Twas in some foreign country, far over the sea,
-             Where he held a small post ministerial
-           (An Ambassador, Consul, or _something_ was he.
-             _What_ exactly is quite immaterial).
-
-           He told the old Potentate, much to his joy,
-             That King Edward had sent him a present,
-           And handed a parcel up to the old boy,
-             With a smile which was childlike and pleasant.
-           The Potentate he, at the deuce of a pace,
-             At the string set to fumbling and maulin';
-           Then Croker laughed madly to see his blank face—
-             For the package had nothing at all in.
-
-           The Potentate smiled—'twas a sad, sickly smile;
-             And he laughed—but the laughter was hollow.
-           "Ha! a capital joke. It doth greatly beguile;
-             But," said he, "there is something to follow.
-           I, too, wish to play a small joke of my own,
-             At the which I'm remarkably clever."
-           Then,—a man standing by, at a nod from the throne,
-             Croker's head from his body did sever.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                                  XIV.
-                               THAT OF——?
-
-
-                 Phwat's thot yer afther sayin'—
-                   Oi "don't look meself at all?"
-                 Och, murder! sure ye've guessed it.
-                   _Whist!_ Oi'm _not_ meself at all,
-                 But another man entoirly,
-                   An' Oi'd bether tell ye trooly
-                 How ut iz Oi'm but _purtendin'_
-                   That Oi'm Mr. Pat O'Dooley.
-
-                 Tim Finnegan an' me, sor,
-                   Waz a-fightin ov the blacks
-                 In hathen foreign parts, sor,
-                   An' yer pardon Oi would ax
-                 If Oi mention thot the customs
-                   In them parts iz free an' aisy,
-                 An' the costooms—bein' mostly beads—
-                   Iz airy-loike an' braizy.
-
-                 But them blacks iz good at fightin'
-                   An' they captured me an' Tim;
-                 An' they marched us back in triumph
-                   To their village—me an' him;
-                 An' they didn't trate us badly,
-                   As Oi'm not above confessin',
-                 Tho' their manners—as Oi said before—
-                   An' customs, waz disthressin'.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-               So Oi set meself to teachin'
-                 The King's daughter to behave
-               As a perfect lady should do;
-                 An' Oi taught the King to shave;
-               An' Oi added to the lady's
-                 Scanty costoom by the prisent
-               Ov a waistcoat, which she thanked me for,
-                 A-smilin' moighty plisent.
-
-               Now she wazn't bad to look at,
-                 An' she fell in love with me,
-               Which was awkward for all parties,
-                 As you prisently will see;
-               For on wan noight, when the village
-                 Waz all quiet-loike an' slapin',
-               The King's daughter to the hut, phwere
-                 Tim an' me lay, came a-crapin'.
-
-               An' she whispered in my ear, sor:
-                 "Get up quick, an' come this way,
-               Oi'll assist ye in escapin',
-                 If ye'll do just phwat Oi say."
-               An' she led me by the hand, sor;
-                 It waz dark, the rain was pourin'
-               An' we safely passed the huts, sor,
-                 Phwere the sintrys waz a snorin'
-
-               Then we ran, an' ran, an' ran, sor,
-                 Through all the blessid noight,
-               An' waz many miles away, sor,
-                 Before the day was loight.
-               Then the lady saw my features,
-                 An' she stopped an' started cryin',
-               For she found that _I_ waz _Tim_ instead
-                 Ov me, which waz _most_ tryin'.
-
-               In the hurry an' the scurry
-                 Ov the darkness, don't yez see,
-               She had made a big mistake,
-                 _An' rescued_ him _instead ov_ me—
-               An' to me it waz confusin'
-                 An' most hard ov realizin';
-               For to find yerself _another_ person,
-                 Sor, iz most surprisin'.
-
-               An' pwhen the lady left me,
-                 An' Oi'd got down to the shore
-               An' found a ship to take me home,
-                 Oi puzzled more an' more,
-               For, ov course, the woife an' family
-                 Ov Finnegan's was moine, sor,
-               Tho' Oi didn't know the wan ov 'em
-                 By hook, nor crook, nor soign, sor.
-
-               But Oi came to the decision
-                 They belonged to me no doubt,
-               So directly Oi had landed
-                 Oi began to look about.
-               Tim Finnegan had told me
-                 That he lived up in Killarn'y,
-               An' Oi found meself that far, somehow,
-                 By carnying an' blarney.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-               _An'_ Oi found me woife an' family—
-                 But, ach! upon my loife
-               Oi waz greatly disappointed
-                 In my family an' woife,
-               For my woife was _not_ a beauty,
-                 An' her temper wazn't cheerin'
-               While the family—onkindly—
-                 At their father took to jeerin'.
-
-               "Oi waz better off as Pat," thought Oi,
-                 "Than Oi'll _iver_ be as Tim.
-               Bedad! Oi'd better be _meself_
-                 An' lave off bein' him.
-               Oi won't stay here in Killarn'y,
-                 Phwere they trate poor Tim so coolly,
-               But purtend to be meself agin
-                 In dear old Ballyhooley.'
-
-               So Oi came to Ballyhooley,
-                 An' Oi've niver told before
-               To anyone the story
-                 Oi've been tellin' to ye, sor,
-               An' it, all ov it, occurred, sor,
-                 Just exactly as Oi state it,
-               Though, ov course, ye'll understand, sor,
-                 Oi don't wish ye to repate it.
-
-
-
-
-                                  XV.
-                    THAT OF THE RIVAL HAIRDRESSERS.
-
-
-                  In the fashionable quarter
-                    Of a fashionable town
-                  Lived a fashionable barber,
-                    And his name was Mister Brown.
-                  Of hair, the most luxuriant,
-                    This person had a crop,
-                  And—a—so had his assistants,
-                    And—the boy who swept the shop.
-
-                  He had pleasant manners—very—
-                    And his smile was very bland,
-                  While his flow of conversation
-                    Was exceptionally grand.
-                  The difficulty was that he
-                    Did _not_ know when to stop;
-                  Neither did his good assistants,
-                    Nor—the boy who swept the shop.
-
-                  He'd begin about the weather,
-                    And remark the day was fine,
-                  Or, perhaps, "it would be brighter
-                    If the sun would only shine."
-                  Or, he'd "noticed the barometer
-                    Had fallen with a flop;
-                  And—a—so had his assistants,
-                    And—the boy who swept the shop."
-
-                  Then the news from all the papers
-                    (Most of which you'd heard before)
-                  He would enter into fully,
-                    And the latest cricket score;
-                  Or, political opinions,
-                    He'd be pleased with you to swop;
-                  And—a—so would his assistants,
-                    Or—the boy who swept the shop.
-
-                  At the Stock Exchange quotations
-                    Mister Brown was quite _au fait_,
-                  And on betting, or "the fav'rit',"
-                    He would talk in knowing way;
-                  Then into matters personal
-                    He'd occasionally drop,
-                  And—a—so would his assistants,
-                    Or—the boy who swept the shop.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                He'd recommend Macassar oil,
-                  Or someone's brilliantine,
-                As "a remedy for baldness."
-                  'Twas "the finest he had seen."
-                And he'd "noticed that your hair of late
-                  Was thinning on the top."
-                And—a—"so had his assistants,
-                  And—the boy who swept the shop."
-
-                Now one day, nearly opposite,
-                  Another barber came,
-                And opened an establishment
-                  With quite another name.
-                And Brown looked out and wondered
-                  If this man had come to stop.
-                And—a—so did his assistants,
-                  And—the boy who swept the shop.
-
-                But they didn't fear their neighbour,
-                  For the man seemed very meek.
-                _He'd_ no flow of conversation,
-                  And looked half afraid to speak.
-                So Brown tittered at his rival
-                  (Whose name happened to be Knopp);
-                And—a—so did his assistants,
-                  And—the boy who swept the shop.
-
-                But somehow unaccountably
-                  Brown's custom seemed to flow
-                In some mysterious sort of way
-                  To Knopp's. It _was_ a blow.
-                And Brown looked very serious
-                  To see his profits drop.
-                And—a—so did his assistants
-                  And—the boy who swept the shop.
-
-                And I wondered, and I wondered
-                  Why this falling off should be,
-                And I thought one day I'd step across
-                  To Mister Knopp's to see.
-                I found him _very_ busy
-                  With—in fact—no time to stop,
-                And—a—so were _his_ assistants.
-                  And—the boy who swept _his_ shop.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                 Mister Knopp was very silent,
-                   His assistants still as mice;
-                 _All_ the customers were smiling,
-                   And one whispered, "Ain't it nice?"
-                 "Hey? You want to know the reason?
-                   Why, _deaf and dumb is Knopp_,
-                 And—a—_so are his assistants,
-                   And—the boy who sweeps the shop_."
-
-
-
-
-                                  XVI.
-                    THAT OF THE AUCTIONEER'S DREAM.
-
-
-                I'll proceed to the narration
-                  Of a trifling episode
-                In the life of Mr. Platt,
-                              An auctioneer,
-                Who was filled with jubilation
-                  And remarked: "Well, I'll be blowed!"—
-                An expression rather im-
-                              Polite, I fear.
-
-                But he dreamt he'd heard it stated
-                  That, in future, auctioneers
-                _Might include their near relations
-                              In their sales_;
-                And he felt so much elated
-                  That he broke out into cheers,
-                As one's apt to do when other
-                              Language fails.
-
-                And he thought: "Dear me, I'd better
-                  Seize this opportunity
-                Of getting rid of ma-in-law,
-                              And Jane—
-                (_'Twas his wife_)—I'll not regret her;
-                  And, indeed, it seems to me
-                Such a chance may really not
-                              Occur again.
-
-                "And, indeed, while I'm about it,
-                  I'll dispense with all the lot—
-                (O'er my family I've lately
-                              Lost command)—
-                'Tis the best plan, never doubt it.
-                  I'll dispose of those I've got,
-                And, perhaps, I'll get some others
-                              Second-hand."
-
-                So his ma-in-law he offered
-                  As the first lot in the sale,
-                And he knocked _her_ down for two-
-                              And-six, or less.
-                Then Mrs. Platt he proffered—
-                  She was looking rather pale;
-                But she fetched a good round sum,
-                              I must confess.
-
-                Sister Ann was slightly damaged,
-                  But she went off pretty well
-                Considering her wooden leg,
-                              And that;
-                But I can't think _how_ he managed
-                  His wife's grandmother to sell—
-                But he did it. It was very smart
-                              Of Platt.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-            Several children, and the twins
-              (Lots from 9 to 22),
-            Fetched the auctioneer a tidy sum
-                          Between 'em.
-            (One small boy had barked his shins,
-              And a twin had lost one shoe,
-            But they looked as well, Platt thought, as e'er
-                          He'd seen 'em.)
-
-            Then some nephews, and some nieces,
-              Sundry uncles, and an aunt,
-            Went off at figures which were
-                          Most surprising.
-            And some odds and ends of pieces
-              (I _would_ tell you, but I can't
-            Their relationship) fetched prices
-                          Past surmising.
-
-            It is quite enough to mention
-              That before the day was out
-            _All_ his relatives had gone
-                          Without reserve.
-            This fell in with Platt's intention,
-              And he said: "Without a doubt,
-            I shall now as happy be
-                          As I deserve."
-
-            But he _wasn't_ very happy,
-              For he soon began to miss
-            Mrs. Platt, his wife, and all
-                          The little "P's."
-            And the servants made him snappy;
-              Home was anything but bliss;
-            And Mr. Platt was very
-                          Ill at ease.
-
-            So he calmly thought it over.
-              "On the whole, perhaps," said he,
-            I had better buy my fam-
-                          Ily again,
-            For I find I'm not in clover,
-              Quite, without my Mrs. P.—
-            She was really not a bad sort,
-                          Wasn't Jane."
-
-            But the persons who had bought 'em
-              Wouldn't part with 'em again.
-            Though Platt offered for their purchase
-                          Untold gold.
-            For quite priceless now he thought 'em,
-              And, of course, could see quite plain
-            That in selling them he had himself
-                          Been sold.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                  And he thought, with agitation
-                    Of them lost for ever now,
-                  And he said, "This thing has gone
-                                Beyond a joke,"
-                  While the beads of perspiration
-                    Gathered thickly on his brow;
-                  And then Mr. Platt, the auctioneer—
-                                Awoke.
-
-
-
-
-                                 XVII.
-                        THAT OF THE PLAIN COOK.
-
-
-[Illustration]
-
-       Miss Miriam Briggs was a plain, plain cook,
-         And her cooking was none too good
-       (Not at all like the recipes out of the book,
-       And, in fact, one might tell at the very first look
-         That things hadn't been made as they should).
-
-       Her master, a person named Lymmington-Blake,
-         At her cooking did constantly grieve,
-       And at last he declared that "a change he must make,"
-       For he "wanted a cook who could boil or could bake,"
-         And—this very plain cook—"she must leave."
-
-       So she left, and her master, the very same day,
-         For the Registry Office set out,
-       For he naturally thought it the very best way
-       Of procuring a cook with the smallest delay.
-         (You, too, would have done so, no doubt.)
-
-       But, "A cook? Goodness gracious!" the lady declared
-         (At the Registry Office, I mean),
-       "I've no cook on my books, sir, save one, and she's shared
-       By two families; and, sir, I've nearly despaired,
-         For so rare, sir, of late, cooks have been."
-
-       Where next he enquired 'twas precisely the same:
-         There wasn't a cook to be had.
-       Though quite high were the wages he'd willingly name,
-       And he advertised,—uselessly,—none ever came,—
-         Not a cook, good, indiff'rent, or bad.
-
-       What _was_ to be done? Mr. Lymmington-Blake
-         Began to grow thinner and thinner.
-       (Now and then it is pleasant, but _quite_ a mistake,
-       To dine every day on a chop or a steak,
-         And have nothing besides for your dinner.)
-
-       So he said: "If I can't get a cook, then a mate
-         I'll endeavour to find in a wife"
-       (His late wife deceased, I p'r'aps ought to relate,
-       Four or five years before), "for this terrible state
-         Of things worries me out of my life."
-
-       So he looked in the papers, and read with delight
-         Of a "Lady of good education,
-       A charming complexion, eyes blue (rather light),"
-       Who "would to a gentleman willingly write."
-         She "preferred one without a relation."
-
-       Now Lymmington-Blake was an orphan from birth,
-         And had neither a sister nor brother,
-       While of uncles and aunts he'd a similar dearth,
-       And he thought, "Here's a lady of singular worth;
-         I should think we should suit one another."
-
-       So he wrote to the lady, and she wrote to him,
-         And the lady requested a photo,
-       But he thought, "I'm not young, and the picture might dim
-       Her affection; I'll plead, to the lady, a whim,
-         And refuse her my photo _in toto_."
-
-       "I'll be happy, however," he wrote, "to arrange
-         A meeting for Wednesday night.
-       Hampstead Heath, on the pathway, beside the old Grange,
-       At a quarter to eight. If you won't think it strange,
-         Wear a rose—I shall know you at sight."
-
-       Came Wednesday night, Mr. Lymmington-Blake
-         To the _rendezvous_ all in a flutter
-       Himself—in a new suit of clothes—did betake;
-       And over and over, to save a mistake,
-         The speech he had thought of did mutter.
-
-       _He_ wore a red rose, for he thought it would show
-         He had taken the matter to heart.
-       A lady was there. Was it she? Yes, or no?
-       Blake didn't know whether to stay or to go.
-         He was nervous. But what made him start?
-
-       'Twas the figure—at first he could not see her face—
-         Which somehow familiar did look.
-       Then she turned—and he ran. Do you think it was base?
-       I fancy that you'd have done so in his place.
-         _It was Miriam Briggs, the plain cook._
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                                 XVIII.
-                         THAT OF "8" AND "22."
-
-
-             'Twas on the "Royal Sovereign,"
-               Which sails from Old Swan Pier,
-             That Henry Phipps met Emily Green,
-               And—_this_ is somewhat queer—
-             _Aboard the ship was Obadiah,
-             Likewise a lady called Maria_
-
-             The surnames of these people I
-               Cannot just now recall,
-             But 'tis quite immaterial,
-               It matters not at all.
-             The point is _this_—Phipps met Miss Green;
-             The sequel quickly will be seen.
-
-             He noticed her the first time when
-               To luncheon they went down
-             (The luncheon on the "Sovereign"
-               Is only half a-crown),
-             Where Obadiah gravely at
-             The table, with Maria, sat.
-
-             And Obadiah coughed because
-               Phipps looked at Emily—she at him.
-             Maria likewise noticed it,
-               And thereupon grew stern and grim,
-             Though neither one of all the four
-             Had met the other one before.
-
-             Now Emily Green was pretty, but
-               Maria—she was the reverse;
-             While Obadiah's looks were tra-
-               Gic—something like Macbeth's, but worse.—
-             And these two somehow seemed to be
-             Quite down on Phipps, and Miss E. G.
-
-             For when _she_ smiled, and kindly passed
-               The salt—which Phipps had asked her for—
-             Maria tossed her head and sniffed,
-               And Obadiah muttered "Pshaw!"
-             While later on Miss E. G. thinks
-             She heard Maria call her "minx."
-
-             Twice on the upper deck when Phipps
-               Just ventured, in a casual way,
-             To pass appropriate remarks,
-               Or comment on the "perfect" day,
-             He caught Maria listening, and,
-             Close by, saw Obadiah stand.
-
-             At last, at Margate by the Sea,
-               The "Royal Sovereign" came to port.
-             Phipps hurried off and soon secured
-               A lodging very near The Fort
-             (He'd understood Miss Green to say
-             That she should lodge somewhere that way).
-
-             He really _was_ annoyed to find
-               That Obadiah came there too,
-             While Miss Maria, opposite,
-               The parlour blinds was peering through.
-             Still he felt very happy, for
-             He saw Miss Green arrive next door.
-
-             That night he met her on the pier,
-               And Phipps, of course, he raised his hat.
-             Miss Emily Green blushed, smiled, and stopped—
-               It was not to be wondered at.
-             But Obadiah, passing by,
-             Transfixed them with his eagle eye.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-             And, later in the evening, when
-               The two were list'ning to the band,
-             Phipps—tho' perhaps he oughtn't to—
-               Was gently squeezing Emily's hand.
-             He dropped it suddenly, for there
-             Maria stood, with stony stare.
-
-             'Twas so on each succeeding day.
-               Whate'er they did, where'er they went,
-             There Obadiah followed them;
-               Maria, too. No _accident_
-             Could possibly account for this
-             Sad interference with their bliss.
-
-             At last Phipps, goaded to despair,
-               Cried: "Pray, sir—_what_, sir, do you wish?"
-             But Obadiah turned away,
-               Merely ejaculating "Pish!"
-             Then Phipps addressed Maria too,
-             And all he got from _her_ was "Pooh!"
-
-             So Mr. Phipps and Emily Green
-               Determined _something must be done_.
-             And all one day they talked it o'er,
-               From early morn till setting sun.
-             Then, privately, the morrow fixed
-             For joining in the bathing,—mixed.
-
-             They knew that Obadiah would
-               Be present, and Maria too.
-             They were; and his machine was "8,"
-               Maria's Number "22."
-             They each stood glaring from their door,
-             Some little distance from the shore.
-
-             The tide came in, the bathers all—
-               Including Phipps and Emily Green—
-             Each sought his own—his very own—
-               Particu_lar_ bath_ing_-machine;
-             But Nos. "22" and "8"
-             Were left, unheeded, to their fate.
-
-             When, one by one, the horses drew
-               The other machines to the shore,
-             _Phipps bribed the men to leave those two
-               Exactly where they were before_.
-             (In "8," you know, was Obadiah,
-             And "22" contained Maria.)
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                  The tide rose higher, carrying
-                    The two machines quite out to sea.
-                  The love affairs of Emily Green
-                    And Phipps proceeded happily.
-
-                             *     *     *
-
-                  I'm not quite certain of the fate
-                  Of either "22" or "8."
-
-
-
-
-                                  XIX.
-              THAT OF THE HOOLIGAN AND THE PHILANTROPIST.
-
-
-                Bill Basher was a Hooligan,
-                  The terror of the town,
-                A reputation he possessed
-                  For knocking people down;
-                On unprotected persons
-                  Of a sudden he would spring,
-                And hit them with his buckle-belt,
-                  Which hurt like anything.
-
-                One day ten stalwart constables
-                  Bill Basher took in charge.
-                "We cannot such a man," said they,
-                  "Permit to roam at large;
-                He causes all the populace
-                  To go about in fear;
-                We'd better take him to the Court
-                  Of Mr. Justice Dear."
-
-                To Mr. Justice Dear they went—
-                  A tender Judge was he:
-                He was a great Philanthropist
-                  (Spelt with a big, big "P").
-                His bump—phrenologists declared—
-                  Of kindness was immense;
-                Altho' he somewhat lacked the bump
-                  Of common, common sense.
-
-                "Dear, dear!" exclaimed the kindly Judge
-                  A-looking very wise,
-                "Your conduct in arresting _him_
-                  Quite fills me with surprise.
-                Poor fellow! Don't you see the lit-
-                  Tle things which he has done
-                Were doubtless but dictated
-                  By a sense of harmless fun?
-
-                "We really _mustn't_ be too hard
-                  Upon a man for _that_,
-                And _I_ will not do more than just
-                  Inflict a fine. That's flat!
-                See how he stands within the dock,
-                  As mild as any lamb.
-                No! Sixpence fine. You are discharged.
-                  _Good_ morning, Willi_am_."
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                Now strange to say, within a week,
-                  Bill Basher had begun
-                To knock about a lot of other
-                  People "just in fun."
-                He hit a young policeman
-                  With a hammer on the head,
-                Until the poor young fellow
-                  Was approximately dead.
-
-                "Good gracious!" murmured Justice Dear,
-                  "_This_ really is _too_ bad,
-                To hit policemen on the head
-                  Is not polite, my lad,
-                I must remand you for a week
-                  To think what can be done,
-                And, in the meantime, please remain
-                  In cell one twenty one."
-
-                Then, Justice Dear, he pondered thus:
-                  "Bill Basher ought to wed
-                Some good and noble woman;
-                  _Then_ he'd very soon be led
-                To see the error of his ways,
-                  And give those errors o'er."
-                This scheme he thought upon again,
-                  And liked it more and more.
-
-                A daughter had good Justice Dear,
-                  Whose name was Angeline
-                (The lady's name is not pronounced
-                  To rhyme with "line," but "leen"),
-                Not beautiful, but dutiful
-                  As ever she could be;
-                _Whatever_ her papa desired
-                  She _did_ obediently.
-
-                With her he talked the matter o'er,
-                  And told her that he thought,
-                In the interests of humanity,
-                  To marry Bill she ought.
-                And, though she loved a barrister
-                  Named Smith, her grief she hid
-                And, with a stifled sigh, prepared
-                  To do as she was bid.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                 They got a special licence, and
-                   Together quickly went
-                 To visit Basher in his cell
-                   And show their kind intent.
-
-                         *     *     *
-
-                 His answer it was to the point,
-                   Though couched in language queer,
-                 _These_ were the very words he used:
-                   "_Wot?_ Marry _'er_? No fear!"
-
-                 Good Justice Dear was greatly shocked;
-                   Indeed, it _was_ a blow
-                 To find that _such_ ingratitude
-                   The Hooligan should show.
-                 So he gave to Smith, the barrister,
-                   His daughter for a wife,
-                 While on Bill he passed this sentence—
-                   "Penal servitude for life."
-
-
-
-
-                                  XX.
-                  THAT OF THE SOCIALIST AND THE EARL.
-
-
-                   It was, I think, near Marble Arch,
-                     Or _somewhere_ in the Park,
-                           A Socialist
-                           Once shook his fist
-                     And made this sage remark:
-
-[Illustration]
-
-               "It is a shime that working men,
-                 The likes of you and me—
-                       Poor, underfed,
-                       Without a bed—
-                 In such a state should be.
-
-               "When bloated aristocracy
-                 Grows daily wuss an' wuss.
-                       Why don't the rich
-                       Behave as sich
-                 An' give a bit to us?
-
-               "They've carriages and flunkeys,
-                 Estates, an' lots of land.
-                       _Why_ this should be,
-                       My friends," said he,
-                 "I fail to understand.
-
-               "Why should _they_ 'ave the bloomin' lot,
-                 When, as I've said before,
-                       It's understood
-                       _This_ man's as good
-                 As _that_ one is—or MORE?
-
-               "So what I sez, my friends, sez I,
-                 Is: Down with all the lot,
-                       Unless they share—
-                       It's only fair—
-                 With us what they have got!"
-
-                         *     *     *
-
-               An Earl, who stood amongst the crowd,
-                 Was _very_ much impressed.
-                       "Dear me," he said,
-                       And smote his head,
-                 "I really _am_ distressed.
-
-               "To think that all these many years
-                 I've lived so much at ease,
-                       With leisure, rank,
-                       Cash at the bank,
-                 And luxuries like these,
-
-               "While, as this honest person says,
-                 _Our_ class is all to blame
-                       That these have naught:
-                       We really ought
-                 To bow our heads in shame.
-
-               "My wealth unto this man I'll give,
-                 My title I will drop,
-                       And then I'll go
-                       And live at Bow
-                 And keep a chandler's shop."
-
-                         *     *     *
-
-               The Socialist he took the wealth
-                 The Earl put in his hands,
-                       And bought erewhile
-                       A house in style
-                 And most extensive lands.
-
-               Was knighted (for some charity
-                 Judiciously bestowed);
-                       Within a year
-                       Was made a Peer;
-                 To fame was on the road.
-
-               But do not think that Fortune's smiles
-                 From friends drew him apart,
-                       Or hint that rude
-                       Ingratitude
-                 Could dwell within his heart.
-
-               You fear, perhaps, that he forgot
-                 The worthy Earl. Ah, no!
-                       Household supplies
-                       He _often_ buys
-               From _his_ shop down at Bow.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                                  XXI.
-                    THAT OF THE RETIRED PORK-BUTCHER
-                             AND THE SPOOK.
-
-
-                       I may as well
-                       Proceed to tell
-                     About a Mister Higgs,
-                       Who grew quite rich
-                       In trade—the which
-                     Was selling pork and pigs.
-
-                       From trade retired,
-                       He much desired
-                     To rank with gentlefolk,
-                       So bought a place
-                       He called "The Chase,"
-                     And furnished it—old oak.
-
-                       Ancestors got
-                       (Twelve pounds the lot,
-                     In Tottenham Court Road);
-                       A pedigree—
-                       For nine pounds three,—
-                     The Heralds' Court bestowed.
-
-                       Within the hall,
-                       And on the wall,
-                     Hung armour bright and strong.
-                       "To Ethelbred"—
-                       The label read—
-                     De Higgs, this did belong."
-
-                       'Twas _quite_ complete,
-                       This country seat,
-                     Yet neighbours stayed away.
-                       Nobody called,—
-                       Higgs was blackballed,—
-                     Which caused him great dismay.
-
-                       "Why _can_ it be?"
-                       One night said he
-                     When thinking of it o'er.
-                       There came a knock
-                       ('Twas twelve o'clock)
-                     Upon his chamber door.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                     Higgs cried, "Come in!"
-                     A vapour thin
-                   The keyhole wandered through.
-                     Higgs rubbed his eyes
-                     In mild surprise:
-                   A ghost appeared in view.
-
-                     "I beg," said he,
-                     "You'll pardon me,
-                   In calling rather late.
-                     A family ghost,
-                     I seek a post,
-                   With wage commensurate.
-
-                     "I'll serve you well;
-                     My 'fiendish yell'
-                   Is certain sure to please.
-                     'Sepulchral tones,'
-                     And 'rattling bones,'
-                   I'm _very_ good at these.
-
-                     "Five bob I charge
-                     To roam at large,
-                   With 'clanking chains' _ad lib._;
-                     I do such things
-                     As 'gibberings'
-                   At one-and-three per gib.
-
-                     "Or, by the week,
-                     I merely seek
-                   Two pounds—which is not dear;
-                     Because I need,
-                     Of course, _no_ feed,
-                   _No_ washing, and _no_ beer."
-
-                     Higgs thought it o'er
-                     A bit, before
-                   He hired the family ghost,
-                     But, finally,
-                     He did agree
-                     To give to him the post.
-
-                     It got about—
-                     You know, no doubt,
-                   How quickly such news flies—
-                     Throughout the place,
-                     From "Higgses Chase"
-                   Proceeded ghostly cries.
-
-                     The rumour spread,
-                     Folks shook their head,
-                   But dropped in one by one.
-                     A bishop came
-                     (Forget his name),
-                   And then the thing was done.
-
-                     For afterwards
-                     _All_ left their cards,
-                   "Because," said they, "you see,
-                     One who can boast
-                     A family ghost
-                   Respectable _must_ be."
-
-                           *     *     *
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                     When it was due,
-                       The "ghostes's" screw
-                     Higgs raised—as was but right—
-                       They often play,
-                       In friendly way,
-                     A game of cards at night.
-
-
-
-
-                                 XXII.
-                  THAT OF THE POET AND THE BUCCANEERS.
-
-
-                It does not fall to every man
-                  To be a minor poet,
-                But Inksby-Slingem he was one,
-                  And wished the world to know it.
-                In almost every magazine
-                His dainty verses might be seen.
-
-                He'd take a piece of paper—blank,
-                  With nothing writ upon it—
-                And soon a triolet 'twould be
-                  A ballade, or a sonnet.
-                Pantoums,—in fact, whate'er you please,
-                This poet wrote, with greatest ease.
-
-                By dozens he'd turn poems out,
-                  To Editors he'd bring 'em,
-                Till, quite a household word became
-                  The name of Inksby-Slingem.
-                A mild exterior had he,
-                With dove-like personality.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-               His hair was dark and lank and long,
-                 His necktie large and floppy
-               (_Vide_ his portrait in the sketch
-                 "A-smelling of a Poppy"),
-               And unto this young man befell
-               The strange adventure I'll now tell.
-
-               He took a summer holiday
-                 Aboard the good ship "Goschen,"
-               Which foundered, causing all but he
-                 To perish, in the ocean,
-               And many days within a boat
-               Did Inksby-Slingem sadly float—
-
-               Yes, many days, until with joy
-                 He saw a ship appearing;
-               A skull and crossbones flag it bore,
-                 And towards him it was steering.
-               "This rakish-looking craft," thought he,
-               "I fear a pirate ship must be."
-
-               It was. Manned by a buccaneer.
-                 And, from the very first, he
-               Could see the crew were wicked men,
-                 All scowling and bloodthirsty;
-               Indeed, he trembled for his neck
-               When hoisted to their upper deck.
-
-               Indelicate the way, at least,
-                 That he was treated—very.
-               They turned his pockets inside-out;
-                 They stole his Waterbury;
-               His scarf-pin, and his golden rings,
-               His coat and—er—his _other things_.
-
-               Then, they ransacked his carpet-bag,
-                 To add to his distresses,
-               And tumbled all his papers out,
-                 His poems, and MSS.'s.
-               He threw himself upon his knees,
-               And cried: "I pray you, spare me these!"
-
-               "These? What are these?" the Pirate cried.
-                 "I've not the slightest notion."
-               He read a verse or two—and then
-                 Seemed filled with strange emotion.
-               He read some more; he heaved a sigh;
-               A briny tear fell from his eye.
-
-               "Dear, dear!" he sniffed, "how touching is
-                 This poem 'To a Brother!'
-               It makes me think of childhood's days,
-                 My old home, and my mother."
-               He read another poem through,
-               And passed it to his wondering crew.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                 _They_ read it, and all—all but two—
-                   Their eyes were soon a-piping;
-                 It was a most affecting sight
-                   To see those pirates wiping
-                 Their eyes and noses in their griefs
-                 On many-coloured handkerchiefs,
-
-                         *     *     *
-
-                 To make a lengthy story short,
-                   The gentle poet's verses
-                 Quite won those men from wicked ways,
-                   From piratings, and curses;
-                 And all of them, so I've heard tell,
-                 Became quite, _quite_ respectable.
-
-                 All—all but two, and one of _them_
-                   Than e'er before much worse is
-                 For _he_ is now a publisher,
-                   And "pirates" Slingem's verses;
-                 The other drives a "pirate" 'bus,
-                 Continuing—alas!—to "cuss."
-
-
-
-
-                                 XXIII.
-                THAT OF THE UNDERGROUND "SULPHUR CURE."
-
-
-               Sulphuric smoke doth nearly choke
-                 That person—more's the pity—
-               Who does the round, by Underground,
-               On pleasure, or on business bound,
-                 From West End to the City.
-
-               At Gower Street I chanced to meet,
-                 One day, a strange old party,
-               Who tore his hair in wild despair,
-               Until I thought—"I would not swear,
-                 That you're not mad, my hearty."
-
-               "Yes, mad, _quite_ mad. Dear me! How sad!"
-                 I cried; for, to the porter,
-               He did complain—"Look here! Again
-               _No smoke_ from any single train
-                 That's passed within the quarter.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-              "_This air's too pure!_ I cannot cure
-                My patients, if you don't, sir,
-              Sulphuric gas allow to pass,
-              Until it thickly coats the glass.
-                Put up with _this_ I won't, sir!"
-
-              I noticed then some gentlemen
-                And ladies join the chatter—
-              And dear, dear, dear, they _did_ look queer!
-              Thought I—"They're very ill, I fear;
-                I wonder what's the matter."
-
-              Surmise was vain. In came my train.
-                I got in. "First"—a "Smoking."
-              That motley crew—_they got in too_.
-              I wondered what on earth to do,
-                For each began a-choking.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-          "Pray, won't you smoke?" the old man spoke.
-            Thought I—"He's growing madder."
-          "I wish you would. 'Twould do them good.
-          My card I'd hand you if I could,
-            But have none. My name's Chadder.
-
-          "My patients these. _Now_, if you please!"
-            He cried, in tones commanding,
-          And gave three raps, "I think, perhaps,
-          We'd best begin. Undo your wraps!"
-            _This_ passed my understanding.
-
-          "Put out your tongues! Inflate your lungs!"
-            His patients all got ready;
-          Their wraps thrown off, they each did doff
-          Their respirator—spite their cough—
-            And took breaths long and steady.
-
-          "Inhale! Inhale! And do not fail
-            The air you take to swallow!"
-          They gasped, and wheezed, and coughed, and sneezed.
-          Their "doctor," he looked mighty pleased.
-            Expecting me to follow.
-
-          "Pray, tell me why, good sir!" gasped I,
-            "Before I lose my senses,
-          Why ever you such strange things do?
-          To know this, I confess my cu-
-            Riosity immense is."
-
-          In accents mild he spoke, and smiled.
-            "Delighted! I assure you.
-          _We take the air_—nay! do not stare;
-          Should aught your normal health impair,
-            This 'sulphur cure' will cure you.
-
-          "I undertake, quite well to make
-            Patients,—_whate'er_ they're ailing.
-          Each day we meet, proceed _en suite_
-          From Edgware Road to Gower Street,
-            And back again—_inhaling_.
-
-          "That sulphur's good, 'tis understood,
-            But, I would briefly mention,
-          The simple way—as one may say,—
-          In which _we_ take it, day by day,
-            Is _quite my own invention_.
-
-          "Profits? Ah, yes, I must confess
-            I make a tidy bit, sir?
-          Tho' Mr. Perkes', and Mr. Yerkes
-          'S system—if it only works—
-            Will put a stop to it, sir."
-
-          A stifled sigh, a tear-dimmed eye
-            Betrayed his agitation.
-          "Down here there'll be no smoke," said he,
-          "When run by electricity.
-            Excuse me! Here's our station!"
-
-          He fussed about, and got them out,
-            (Those invalids I mean, sir,)
-          Then raised his hat; I bowed at that,
-          And then, remaining where I sat,
-            Went on to Turnham Green, sir.
-
-
-
-
-                                 XXIV.
-                 THAT OF THE FAIRY GRANDMOTHER AND THE
-                           COMPANY PROMOTER.
-
-
-        A Company Promoter was Septimus Sharpe,
-          And the subject is he of this ditty;
-        He'd his name—nothing more—
-        Painted on the glass door
-        Of an office high up on the toppermost floor
-          Of a house in Throgmorton Street, City.
-
-        The Companies which he had promoted, so far,
-          Had not—so to speak,—been successes.
-        As a matter of fact,
-        He had often to act
-        In a manner requiring considerable tact
-          To—financially—keep out of messes.
-
-        One day there appeared—Sharpe could never tell how,—
-          In a costume unusually airy,
-        A young lady. "Dear me!
-        How surprising!" said he.
-        "Now, who upon earth can this young person be?
-          Is it possible? Why! _it's a Fairy_!"
-
-        "You are right, Septimus," said the Fairy—"quite right,
-          For, in fact, I'm your Fairy Grandmother!"
-        Sharpe had to confess,
-        "I already possess
-        Two grandmothers. But," said he, "nevertheless,
-          In _your_ case, I will welcome another.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-      "Especially if, Fairy Grandmother dear,
-        Your intentions are—pardon me,—golden.
-      I'll be pleased, if my till—
-      Or my coffers—you'll fill,
-      As,—like a good fairy,—I've no doubt you will;
-        _Then_ to you I'll be greatly beholden."
-
-      The Fairy she smiled, as, quite sweetly, she said:
-        "You're mistaken, my dear young relation.
-      There's no fairy displays
-      In these up-to-date days,
-      Her powers in _such_ crude and old-fashioned ways—
-        No! I bring you AN IMAGINATION.
-
-      "But exercise IT, and you quickly will find
-        From your pathway all troubles are banished!"
-      She waved a small wand,
-      With a look sad yet fond,
-      Then, into the far and the distant "beyond"
-        Sharpe's good Grandmother suddenly vanished.
-
-      The spell she had cast very quickly began
-        In his brain to engender a vision.
-      He _imagined_ a MINE
-      Filled with gold, pure and fine,
-      And a lovely PROSPECTUS began to design
-        Every item worked out with precision.
-
-      He _imagined_ BIG DIVIDENDS; profits galore;
-        And some DUKES he _imagined_ DIRECTORS.
-      And "the PUBLIC should share,"
-      He went on to declare,
-      "In such wealth as should cause the whole nation to stare."
-        There were THOUSANDS—_in Shares_—for Projectors.
-
-      Then he went on _imagining_ mine after mine,
-        With Prospectuses most high-faluting.
-      And the _Public_ they _fought_
-      For the Shares he had brought
-      To the Market (they "safer than houses" were thought);
-        And each day some new Company was mooting.
-
-                  *     *     *
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                            (EXTRA SPECIAL.)
-
-            That he grew passing rich is a matter of course.
-              All his wealth to his wife he made over.
-
-                        *     *     *
-
-            There has been a great smash;
-            Company's gone with a crash.
-            Gone also, I hear, has the shareholders' cash.
-              But, SEPTIMUS SHARPE—_he's_ in clover.
-
-
-
-
-                                  XXV.
-                  THAT OF THE GEISHA AND THE JAPANESE
-                                WARRIOR.
-
-
-[Illustration]
-
-    An almond-eyed maiden was pretty Jes-So,
-      Her effort in life was to please;
-    A Geisha was she, and she handed the tea
-    In a costume bewitching as ever could be,
-      And a style which was best Japanese;
-    And she often served bowls of exceptional size
-    To a Japanese warrior called Li-Kwize.
-
-    And daily Li-Kwize and the pretty Jes-So,
-      In their artless and Japanese way,
-    'Neath the Gom-bobble trees rubbed their hands o'er their knees,
-    Saying flattering things, such as over the seas,
-      It's the proper and right thing to say:
-    Little wonder, in sooth, that Li-Kwize fell in love,
-    While the Japanese turtle-birds twittered above.
-
-    But 'tis said that the course of true love ne'er ran smooth,
-      And a rival appeared on the scene,
-    He'd a glass in his eye, and his collar was high,
-    His gloves were immaculate, so was his tie,
-      And his legs were excessively lean;
-    A descendant was he of a long line of "Dooks,"
-    And his name was Lord Algernon Perkyns de Snooks.
-
-    In Japan,—on a tour,—he'd arrived with his ma,
-      On the tea gardens stumbled by chance,
-    And directly he saw all the girls he said "Haw!
-    I—aw—wish, don't you know, that I'd come here befaw"—
-      And he gave them a languishing glance;
-    To his feeble moustache he gave several twirls,
-    Declaring that Geishas were "Doocid fine girls!"
-
-    And he called for a dish of best Japanese tea,
-      And he ogled the pretty Jes-So,
-    While the warlike Li-Kwize stared in angry surprise
-    At the flirtation going on under his eyes,
-      And he wished that Lord Algy would go;
-    But, oh! dear me, no, he continued to stop
-    All the long afternoon in the pretty tea-shop.
-
-    On the morrow he came there again, and again
-      He appeared on the following day,
-    And it made Jes-So sad to hear language so bad
-    As Li-Kwize employed, as he "went on" like mad
-      In a grotesque, and Japanese way;
-    For he raved and he stormed as they do in Japan.
-    (You have seen how, no doubt, on a Japanese fan.)
-
-    He thrust, and he slashed at the air with his sword,
-      And he shouted aloud at each blow;
-    There is, really, no doubt he was greatly put out,
-    But he didn't do what you are thinking about:
-      He _didn't_ slay Lord Algy—no:
-    For Li-Kwize he was subtle, as subtle could be,
-    He'd a far better plan up his sleeve, don't you see.
-
-    He went to the house where Lord Algy's mamma,
-      A stern, and a haughty old dame,
-    Was staying, and, tho' it was all in dumb show,
-    He managed—somehow,—that the lady should know
-      Exactly her son's little game,
-    The equivalent Japanese noise for a kiss
-    He expressed,—its significance no one could miss.
-
-    In pantomime glibly he told the whole tale,
-      While the lady grew pale, and irate:
-    "Ha! _what's_ that you say? Takes tea there each day?
-    Geisha? Tea-shop indeed! Come, show me the way!
-      We must stop _this_ before it's too late."
-    And she pounced on her son, with a terrible frown,
-    At the pretty tea-shop at the end of the town.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-        Not a word did she say, but she took by the ear
-          Lord Algernon Perkyns de S.;
-        She turned him about, and she marched him straight out—
-        An undignified exit, altho', without doubt,
-          An effectual way to suppress
-        A thing which no mother _could_ view with delight,
-        And, for one, _I_ contend the old lady was right.
-
-                             *     *     *
-
-        The pretty Jes-So, and the warlike Li-Kwize
-          "Made it up," I am happy to say,
-        And the almond-eyed miss, with a Japanese kiss,
-        Filled the warrior's heart with a Japanese bliss,
-          In quite the conventional way;
-        While the turtle-birds sang in the Gom-bobble trees
-        All their prettiest songs in their best Japanese.
-
-
-
-
-                                 XXVI.
-                   THAT OF THE INDISCREET HEN AND THE
-                          RESOURCEFUL ROOSTER.
-
-                            (_An Allegory._)
-
-
-               I dote upon the softer sex.
-               The theme I write upon doth vex,
-               For female inconsistency
-               A sorry subject is for me
-                               To tackle;
-               Yet of a wayward female hen
-               I write this time, with halting pen.
-               Compound of pride, and vanity,
-               All feathers she appear'd to be,
-                               And cackle.
-
-               A flighty hen was she, no doubt—
-               A foolish fowl, a gad-about.
-               "Lay eggs!" quoth she. "Why should I?—why?
-               And set! I won't, upon that I
-                               'M decided."
-               Then,—on the _Times_ instalment plan,—
-               A bicycle she bought, and 'gan
-               Domestic duties to neglect;
-               Her skirts were—what could one expect?—
-                               Divided.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                This conduct greatly scandalised
-                The farmyard; all looked on surprised,
-                All but the rooster staid and grim;
-                _He_ did not fret. 'Twas not for him
-                                To rate her;
-                He let her go her wilful way,
-                And purchased for himself one day
-                A strange contraption—glass and tin—
-                An article that's called an in-
-                                Cubator.
-
-                The nearest grocer's then he sought,
-                Some ten-a-shilling eggs he bought;
-                The incubator set to work
-                (There was no fear that _it_ would shirk
-                                Its duty),
-                Then sat and waited patiently.
-                Not many days to wait, had he:
-                Within a week, to make him glad,
-                A family of chicks he had—
-                                A beauty.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                 Surprised, his wife returned; but "No;
-                 In future you your way may go,
-                 And I'll go mine, misguided hen!"
-                 Said he. She fell to pleading then,
-                                 But vainly.
-                 "I'm better off without," he said,
-                 "A wife with such an empty head.
-
-                              *     *     *
-
-                 He flourishes. His wife, grown stout,
-                 Neglected, squa-a-ks and stalks about—
-                                 Ungainly.
-
-
-                                 MORAL.
-
-              It's a wise chicken in these days that knows
-              its own mother.
-
-
-
-
-                                 XXVII.
-                       THAT OF A DUEL IN FRANCE.
-
-
-             Oh, _Fa-la-la!_ likewise _Hélas!_
-             A shocking thing has come to pass,
-             For Monsieur Henri Delapaire
-             Has fallen out,—a sad affair,—
-                 With Monsieur Jacques Mallette.
-             "_La femme?_" Of course! They _both_ declare
-                 They love _la belle_ Nannette.
-
-             _Ma foi!_ They'll surely come to blows,
-             For one has tweaked the other's nose,
-             Who quickly snaps, with fierce grimace,
-             His fingers in the other's face.
-                 A duel _must_ result.
-             A Frenchman's honour 'twould disgrace
-                 To bear with such insult.
-
-             "Pistols for two!"—in French,—they cry.
-             Nannette to come between doth fly:
-             "_Messieurs! Messieurs!_ pray, _pray_ be calm!
-             You fill your Nannette with alarm."
-                 "_Parole d'honneur!_ No.
-             Revenge!" they cry. The big gendarme,
-                 Nannette to call, doth go.
-
-             Quickly a crowd has gathered round,
-             Pistols are brought, and seconds found;
-             A grassy space beneath the trees,
-             Where gentlemen may fight at ease;
-                 Then, each takes off his coat—
-             Glaring meanwhile as though he'd seize
-                 The other by the throat.
-
-             The seconds shrug, gesticulate,
-             And pace the ground with step sedate;
-             Then anxious consultation hold
-             O'er pistols, for the rivals bold
-                 Who now stand white and stern;
-             Their arms across their chests they fold,
-                 And sideways each doth turn.
-
-             The seconds place them _vis-à-vis_,
-             And give them word to fire at "three";
-             Brave Monsieur Mallette shuts his eyes,
-             And points his pistol to the skies;
-                 Brave Monsieur Delapaire
-             His hand to steady vainly tries,
-                 It trembles in the air.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-               A deadly silence: "_Un—deux—trois!_"
-               Two shots are ringing through the _Bois_.
-               Two shots,—and then two awful calms;
-               As, senseless, in their seconds' arms
-                   The duellists both lay.
-               (Their faces pale the crowd alarms,
-                   And fills them with dismay.)
-
-[Illustration]
-
-              "Killed?" Goodness gracious—oh, dear _no_!
-              This couldn't be,—in France,—you know,
-              For pistols _there_ they never load.
-              But _caps_ were they which did explode:
-                  _They've only swooned with fright._
-              See! one some signs of life has showed;
-                  The crowd claps with delight.
-              They both revive. They both embrace.
-              Twice kiss each other on the face.
-
-                        *     *     *
-
-
-              "Stay! Hold!" you cry. "You said, I thought,
-              _La belle_ Nannette the gendarme sought?"
-                  She did,—_la belle_ Nannette,—
-              She sought, and found him—charming quite.
-                  _She stays there with him yet._
-
-              She "never cared for Delapaire,"
-              She says with most _dégagé_ air;
-              And "as for Monsieur Mallette,—well,
-              He _may_ discover—who can tell?—
-                  _Someone_ to marry yet."
-              Meanwhile _le gendarme pour la belle_,
-                  The fickle, fair Nannette.
-
-
-
-
-                                XXVIII.
-                      THAT OF THE ASTUTE NOVELIST.
-
-
-                 Quite an ordinary person
-                   Wrote an ordinary book;
-                 'Twas the first he'd ever written,
-                   So a lot of pains he took.
-                 From a two-a-penny paper
-                   He some little _factlets_[2] culled,
-                 With some "stories of celebrities"
-                   By which the Public's gulled.
-
-                 Then of course he had a hero,
-                   And likewise a hero_ine_,
-                 And a villain, and a villainess,
-                   Whose nefarious design
-                 Was most properly defeated
-                   In the chapter last but one,—
-                 Which described the happy ending—
-                   There you were! The thing was done.
-
-              But, somehow, it didn't answer.
-                "Nothing strange," you'll say, "in that";
-              And, indeed, perhaps there wasn't
-                _Very_ much to wonder at,
-              For the book was really never
-                Calculated fame to win,
-              And the author's coat grew shabby
-                And his body very thin.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-               And he pondered, and he pondered
-                 O'er his misery and ills,
-               Till, one day, he met a party
-                 Who was posting up some bills.
-               "What's the matter?" asked this person,
-                 "You are looking mighty glum.
-               Books not selling? Advertise 'em.
-                 _That's_ the dodge to make things hum."
-
-               "Look at 'Whatsit's Soap,' and so on!
-                 Look at 'Thingumbobby's Pills!'
-               It's the advertising does it,
-                 And the owner's pocket fills.
-               Puff 'em up; the Public likes it;
-                 And—(this from behind his hand)—
-               It doesn't matter if it's
-                 Not _quite_ true, _you_ understand."
-
-               So the author wrote another
-                 Book, and brought in Tsars, and Kings,
-               And Popes, and noble ladies—
-                 Queens, and Duchesses, and things
-               And "the problem" of the moment;
-                 And some politics, and cram,
-               With tit-bits of foreign language
-                 Mixed with literary jam.
-
-               And in type he had it stated
-                 That "the world was all agog"
-               For this "epoch-making" novel,
-                 And—their memory to jog—
-               The public had it daily
-                 In all kinds of sorts of ways
-               Thrust upon them, till it set
-                 Their curiosity ablaze.
-
-               And from Brixton unto Ponder's End
-                 'Twas daily talked about
-               This wonderful new novel
-                 Long, long, long before 'twas out;
-               I forget how many hundred
-                 Thousand copies have been sold;
-               But it's brought the lucky author
-                 Notoriety, and gold.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                   This judicious advertising
-                     Has indeed brought him success;
-                   He's the "lion" of the moment
-                     In Society (big S).
-                   It is even said that Royalty——
-                     But there! I mustn't say,
-                   For _he'll tell you all about it_
-                     In another book some day.
-
-Footnote 2:
-
-  A _factlet_ is _nearly_ a fact.
-
-
-
-
-                                 XXIX.
-                    THAT OF THE ABSENT-MINDED LADY.
-
-
-                The lady hailed a passing 'bus,
-                  And sat down with a jerk;
-                Upon her heated face she wore
-                  A most complacent smirk;
-                Three parcels held she in her lap,
-                Safe-guarded from the least mishap.
-
-                The 'bus it rattled, bumped, and shook—
-                  She didn't seem to mind—
-                And every now and then she _smiled_,
-                  As something crossed her mind:
-                She evidently longed to tell
-                The joke, that we might smile as well.
-
-                "These men!" she said, at last to one
-                  Who sat beside her. "It's absurd.
-                To hear them rave. They seem to think
-                  That nobody—upon my word—
-                But men can do things in what they
-                Are pleased to call the proper way.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                 "My husband now, he's like the rest,
-                   And said, when I came out
-                 To do some shopping, I'd forget
-                   _Something_, he had no doubt,
-                 Or else buy more than I desired,
-                 Or something which was not required.
-
-                 "Now, _three_ things I set out to buy
-                   At Mr. Whiteley's store;
-                 Three parcels here, I'm taking home,
-                   _Three_ parcels, and no more.
-                 My husband he must own ere long
-                 Himself entirely in the wrong."
-
-                 She smiled,—a most triumphant smile.
-                   "Exactly like the men!"
-                 She said, and I—she looked at me—
-                   Felt much embarrassed then.
-                 Her scorn for men was undisguised;
-                 The other ladies sympathised.
-
-                 But, presently, I noticed that
-                   Upon the lady's face
-                 No smile was seen—a puzzled frown
-                   Had come there in its place;
-                 She squirmed, and fidgeted about,
-                 And turned her pockets inside out.
-
-                 She counted over—several times—
-                   Her parcels—"One—two—three;"
-                 Clutched at her purse, her parasol;
-                   Then muttered, "H'm! Dear me!
-                 There's nothing that I haven't got.
-                 What _can_ I have forgotten? What?"
-
-                 She tapped her foot impatiently;
-                   Stared out into the street;
-                 She got up several times and searched
-                   Quite vaguely o'er the seat;
-                 Then gave a sigh and settled down,
-                 Still wearing that bewildered frown.
-
-                 Then, evidently lost in thought,
-                   She sat as in a dream,
-                 Till—o'er her face a pallor spread,—
-                   She sprang up, with a scream:
-                 "Oh, stop! Pray stop, conductor! Stop!
-                 _I've left the baby in the shop!_"
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                                  XXX.
-                 THAT OF THE GERMAN BAKER AND THE COOK.
-
-
-             Dese vimens! Ach! dese vimens!
-               To me id is quide sad
-             Dat dey can be so bootiful,
-               Und yet can be so bad.
-             Dey vonce a fool haf made me
-               As never vas before;
-             Bud now I _know_ dose vimens,
-               Und dey don't do dat no more.
-
-             Look! I am here a baker,
-               Und bread und biscuits bake,
-             Der dough-nuts, und der cooken,
-               Und all such tings I make;
-             Von voman to my shop come,
-               So bootiful und big,
-             Her eyes vas plue und shining,
-               Her hair joost like a vig.
-
-             She buy of me some dough-nuts,
-               She come again next day,
-             Und in my dough-nuts buying
-               She stole mine heart avay;
-             For, ach! she vas so lofely
-               As never yet I found—
-             I tink dot even _both_ my arms
-               Her vaist could not go round.
-
-             Von day to me she say: "I vish
-               I could dose dough-nuts make;
-             My family is goned avay;
-               Come now, und ve shall make
-             Some dough-nuts in my kitchen,
-               If you vill show me how."
-             I go. Because I tink, perhaps,
-               I get her for mine vrow.
-
-             Der kitchen id vas big und clean,
-               Der supper vas set out.
-             Mit places at der table
-               For two, mit pie, und stout.
-             I show her how dough-nuts to make,
-               Und den ve sit to sup;
-             Ven comes a vistle at der gate;
-               Der voman she jumps up.
-             "Quick! quick!" she say, "here somevon comes,
-               Und you must herein hide."
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                  She pushes me der pantry in,
-                    Mit nothing else beside.
-                  I peep der keyhole through und see
-                    A big policeman stand;
-                  Der voman seems him pleased to see,
-                    Und shakes him by der hand.
-
-                  Den dey two at der supper sit
-                    (Dot supper made for me),
-                  Und I am in der pantry shut,
-                    mad as mad can be;
-                  I sit der flour barrel upon,
-                    Der barrel it go through,
-                  Und in der flour I tumble. Ach!
-                    It make me schneize "Tish-oo!"
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                 Der policeman say "Hark! vat is dat?"
-                   Und open burst der door;
-                 Dey see me den,—all vite mit flour
-                   Und tumbled on der floor.
-                 Der voman scream "A burglar man!"
-                   Und tremble, und look pale;
-                 Der policeman den he take me up,
-                   And march me off to gaol.
-
-                 Der magistrate some money for
-                   A fine shall make me pay;
-                 Der policeman und der voman
-                   Dey get married yesterday:
-                 So never now I trust no more
-                   _All_ vimens vat I see;
-                 Dey make again some other man
-                   A fool, but _never_ me.
-
-
-
-
-                                 XXXI.
-                    THAT OF THE CONVERTED CANNIBALS.
-
-
-                Upon an island, all alone,
-                  They lived, in the Pacific;
-                Somewhere within the Torrid Zone,
-                  Where heat is quite terrific.
-                'Twould shock you were I to declare
-                The many things they did not wear,
-                      Altho' no doubt
-                      One's best without
-                  Such things in heat terrific.
-
-                Though cannibals by birth were they,
-                  Yet, since they'd first existed,
-                Their simple menu day by day
-                  Of such-like things consisted:
-                Omelets of turtle's eggs, and yams,
-                And stews from freshly-gathered clams,
-                      Such things as these
-                      Were,—if you please,—
-                  Of what their fare consisted.
-
-                But after dinner they'd converse,
-                  Nor did their topic vary;
-                Wild tales of gore they would rehearse,
-                  And talk of _missionary_.
-                They'd gaze upon each other's joints,
-                And indicate the tender points.
-                      Said one: "For us
-                      'Tis dangerous
-                  To _think_ of _missionary_."
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                Well, on a day, upon the shore,
-                  As flotsam, or as jetsum,
-                Some wooden cases,—ten, or more,—
-                  Were cast up. "Let us get some,
-                And see, my friend, what they contain;
-                The chance may not occur again,"
-                      Said good Who-zoo.
-                      Said Tum-tum, "Do;
-                  We'll both wade out and get some."
-
-                The cases held,—what do you think?—
-                  "PRIME MISSIONARY—TINNED."
-                Nay! gentle reader, do not shrink
-                  The man who made it sinned:
-                He thus had labelled bloater-paste
-                To captivate the native taste.
-                      He hoped, of course,
-                      This fraud to force
-                  On them. In this he sinned.
-
-                Our simple friends knew naught of sin,
-                  They thought that this confection
-                _Was_ missionary in a tin
-                  According to direction.
-                For very joy they shed salt tears.
-                "'Tis what we've waited for, for years,"
-                      Said they. "Hooray!
-                      We'll feast to-day
-                  According to direction."
-
-                "'Tis very tough," said one, for he
-                  The tin and all had eaten.
-                "Too salt," the other said, "for me;
-                  The flavour might be beaten."
-                It was enough. Soon each one swore
-                He'd missionary eat no more:
-                      Their tastes were cured,
-                      They felt assured
-                  This flavour might be beaten.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                  And, should a missionary call
-                    To-day, he'd find them gentle,
-                  With no perverted tastes at all,
-                    And manners ornamental;
-                  He'd be received, I'm bound to say,
-                  In courteous and proper way;
-                        Nor need he fear
-                        To taste their cheer
-                    However ornamental.
-
-
-
-
-                                 XXXII.
-                     THAT OF A FRUITLESS ENDEAVOUR.
-
-
-                Come let us quit the gruesome tales
-                  Of cannibals, and Kings, and things;
-                On such-like themes my fancy fails,
-                  My muse a simpler story sings:
-                I'd have you, one and all, consider
-                To-day a bachelor and "widder."
-
-                The bachelor,—named Robinson,
-                  (A clerk, or something, in the City,
-                Just what, we will not dwell upon),
-                  A pleasant man, and somewhat witty,
-                But thin,—I've seldom known a thinner,—
-                Dwelt in the suburbs, out at Pinner.
-
-                The widow lived at Pinner too,
-                  _Her_ name Ann Partington, _née_ Gair,
-                And rich,—if what was said is true,—
-                  Her age was forty; she was fair
-                And fat—indeed, as for that matter,
-                I've seldom known a person fatter.
-
-                Now Robinson considered: "Why
-                  Should I, an eligible man,
-                In lonely 'diggings' live and die,
-                  When I might marry widow Ann?
-                I'll call, and tentatively mention
-                My matrimonial intention."
-
-[Illustration]
-
-               The widow seemed at first inclined
-                 To close the matter out of hand.
-               She said: "Yes, thank you, I don't mind,"
-                 (No shyness _there_, you understand),
-               But later on said: "No, for us
-               To marry would be ludicrous.
-
-               We'd be the laughing-stock, I fear,
-                 Of neighbours round about,
-               For you are awfully thin, poor dear,
-                 And I am awfully stout;
-               I must withhold consideration
-               Till there's some drastic alteration."
-
-               So Robinson determined that
-                 He'd put on flesh somehow;
-               He'd try all means of getting fat,
-                 And made this solemn vow:
-               "The widow,—well, he'd do without her
-               Till he had grown a trifle stouter."
-
-               "Laugh and grow fat," somebody said;
-                 So, daily, Robinson
-               The comic papers duly read,
-                 And gloated thereupon:
-               He spent no end of pocket money
-               In things which he considered funny.
-
-               And eat!—I tell you he _did_ eat!—
-                 While (this was scarcely wise)
-               He seldom moved from off his seat,
-                 And took _no_ exercise.
-               'Twas not surprising, then—now, was it?—
-               He gained in "adipose deposit."
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                  He did; and when he turned the scale
-                    At twenty stone or more,
-                  He for the widow's house set sail,
-                    And waddled to the door.
-                  She met him—thin as any rat,
-                  _For_ SHE'D _been taking Anti-Fat_!
-
-
-
-
-                                XXXIII.
-                     THAT OF THE UNFORTUNATE LOVER.
-
-
-                I often heave a sigh to think
-                  Of poor young A. McDougal,
-                And his disastrous bold attempt
-                  To learn to play the bugle
-                (Which, judging from the sad result,
-                Must be, I fancy, difficult).
-
-                It happened thus: McDougal took
-                  His charming young _fiancée_[3]
-                One evening to a "Monday Pop."
-                  (Her Christian name was Nancy.)
-                And there they heard—he and this maid,—
-                A solo on the bugle played.
-
-                Fair Nancy was enraptured, and
-                  Said: "Dearest A. McDougal,
-                I'd love you more than ever if
-                  You'd learn to play the bugle."
-                McDougal, as a lover should,
-                Remarked, he'd learn it—"if he could."
-
-
-            That very night, as they walked home,
-              McDougal was deluded
-            A bugle into purchasing
-              (With leather case included),
-            At more than twice its proper price,
-            Because it looked "so very nice."
-
-            He little thought, poor wretched man,
-              As he this bargain fixed on,
-            How it would wreck his future life.
-              He took it home to Brixton,
-            And, from that hour, with much concern,
-            To play upon it tried to learn.
-
-            His efforts—so I understand—
-              At first were not successful.
-            His landladies objected—which,
-              Of course, was most distressful;
-            Then neighbours much annoyed him, for
-            _They_ sued him in a court of law.
-
-            Said he: "'Tis strange, where'er I go
-              Opprobrium and hooting
-            My efforts greet. I'd better try
-              The common, out at Tooting,"
-            Where,—on his bugle-tootling bent,—
-            He most appropriately went.
-
-            Each evening after business hours
-              He'd practice—'twas his fancy—
-            Till _he_ thought he played well enough
-              To serenade Miss Nancy,
-            Though (this must be well understood)
-            His playing really was _not_ good.
-
-            He had no ear for music, and
-              Made discords which were racking;
-            While as for time, his sense of _that_
-              Was quite, entirely, lacking.
-            Still, excellent was his intent
-            As unto Nancy's house he went.
-
-            "That tune," he thought, "which we first heard,
-              'Twould doubtless, much engage her,
-            If I performed the self-same piece"
-              ('Twas something in D major),
-            Which, knowing nought of C's and D's,
-            He played in quite a bunch of keys.
-
-                      *     *     *
-
-            "Who is it making all this noise?"
-              A voice inquired quite crossly
-            Above his head. "'Tis I, my love,"
-              Said A. McDougal, hoarsely.
-            "Then go away; I've never heard,"
-            Said Nancy, "noises so absurd."
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                  "My playing—don't you like it?" "No;
-                    And, till you're more proficient,
-                  I will not marry you at all:
-                    I've said it,—that's sufficient."
-                  She closed the window with a bang.
-                  A wild note from the bugle rang—
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                  A wildly, weirdly, wailing note
-                    To set one's blood a-freezing;
-                  A compound 'twixt nocturnal cats,
-                    And wheels which want a-greasing—
-                  For A. McDougal—ah! how sad—
-                  Her heartlessness had driven mad.
-
-                  And Tooting Common, now, at night
-                    None cross but the undaunted,
-                  For people, living thereabout,
-                    Declare the place is haunted
-                  By one who serenades the moon
-                  With jangled bugle, out of tune.
-
-Footnote 3:
-
-  Cockney pronunciation please.
-
-
-
-
-                                 XXXIV.
-                      THAT OF THE FEMALE GORILLY.
-
-
-                Och! Oi can't remember roightly
-                  Phwat exactly waz the name
-                Of the gintleman phwat did it,
-                  But Oi read it all the same—
-                How he lived insoide a cage, sor
-                  ('Twas a moighty strong consarn),
-                In the middle of the forest,
-                  Monkey language for to larn.
-
-                If he larned to spake it roightly
-                  Oi can't say, sor, yis or no;
-                But he left the cage behoind him,
-                  That for sartin sure Oi know;
-                For Oi saw it there mesilf, sor—
-                  If ye loike Oi'll tell yez how.
-                'Tis a moighty cur'ous story
-                  That Oi'm tellin' of yez now.
-
-                'Tis some many years agone, sor,
-                  Oi forget phwy Oi waz sint
-                With the great explorin' party,
-                  But they axed me,—an' Oi wint.
-                An' the forests that we passed through,
-                  An' the rivers that we crossed,
-                Phwat with one thing an' another
-                  Ivery man but me waz lost.
-
-                But Oi still kept on explorin',
-                  Walkin' by mesilf for moiles,
-                An' a-swimmin' over rivers,
-                  Filled with hungry crocodoiles,
-                Till wan day a big gorilly
-                  Oi saw standin' in the road,
-                And, phwen Oi saw the cratur,
-                  "Och, bedad!" Oi cried, "Oi'm blow'd."
-
-                For Oi took him for a Christian.
-                  Dressed in plant'in leaves and things,
-                With a bonnet on his head, sor,
-                  An' around his neck some rings
-                Ov berries from the trees, sor,
-                  An', sez Oi, "It seems to me,
-                By the manner of his dressin',
-                  It's most loikely _he's_ a _she_."
-
-                She waz that, an' by the same, sor,
-                  When Oi bowed and raised me hat,
-                She jist flung her arms around me,
-                  And then down beside me sat.
-                Oi could see she'd fell in love, sor,
-                  An' Oi came all over hot,
-                For a big female gorilly
-                  'S worse than any Hottentot.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-               An' Oi rasoned with her thus, sor:
-                 "Oi _can't_ marry yez, becaze
-               Oi've wan woife in Ballyhooly,
-                 An' another wan that waz
-               Me woife up in Killarney;
-                 If Oi marry _yez_, ye see,
-               They'll call it bigamy, perhaps,
-                 Or trigonometry."
-
-               But she didn't understand, sor,
-                 An' she stayed with me all day,
-               An' she growled an' showed her teeth, sor,
-                 When Oi tried to get away;
-               Then she led me to her home, sor—
-                 It waz made insoide the cage,
-               (That the gintleman Oi told yez ov
-                 Had left there, Oi'll engage.)
-
-               "An' ye mane to shut me up in that,
-                 Ye ugly great gorilly?"
-               Thinks Oi. "Bedad! ye won't, thin.
-                 D'ye take me for a silly?"
-               So when she opens wide the door,
-                 Oi steps asoide politely;
-               _She_ walks insoide, _Oi_ shuts the door,
-                 An' fastens it up toightly.
-
-               An' a moighty lucky thing it waz
-                 Oi fastened her up so, sor;
-               What would have happened otherwise
-                 Oi really do not know, sor.
-               But Oi left her far behind me,
-                 Still a-yellin' in her rage,
-               An' if the gintleman goes back,
-                 He'll find her—_in the cage_.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                                 XXXV.
-                 THAT OF THE ARTIST AND THE MOTOR-CAR.
-
-                              (_Tragedy._)
-
-
-                 There lived an artist,
-                   Not unknown to fame—
-                 Wild horses wouldn't
-                   Drag from me his name.
-         Besides, it doesn't matter,—not a bit,—
-         It is sufficient, painting was his lit-
-                           Tle game.
-
-                 He copied Turner-
-                   Esque effects with ease,
-                 And painted cattle,—
-                   Miniatures,—or seas;
-         Yet found some difficulty, I've heard said,
-         In making both ends meat, (or even bread,
-                           And cheese).
-
-                 He sat one day with-
-                   In his stu-di-o,
-                 Grieving that times were
-                   Bad, and prices low,
-         When, suddenly, this thought occurred to him,
-         (Of course, 'twas but a fancy, or a whim,
-                           You know):
-
-                 "How strange 'twould be if
-                   What I painted here
-                 Upon the canvas
-                   Really should appear!
-         I wish it would, and then remain for good.
-         Upon my word, ha-ha! I say! That would
-                           Be queer!"
-
-                 No sooner had the
-                   Thought occurred to him
-                 Than round and round the
-                   Studio seemed to swim.
-         A fairy voice declared: "_On your behalf
-         The wish is granted!_" then "_Ha! ha!_" ('Twas laugh-
-                           Ter grim.)
-
-                 "Absurd," the artist
-                   Cried. "Of course, there are
-                 No fairies now; we're
-                   Too advanced by far
-         To think it; still, with just a line or so
-         Upon the canvas here, I'll draw a mo-
-                           Tor-car."
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                    He drew, and scarce had
-                      Finished it before
-                    His servant knocked. (Up-
-                      On her face she wore
-            A puzzled look.) "Sir, here's your coat and hat,
-            And, if you please, _your motor-car is at
-                              The door_!"
-
-                    The artist hardly
-                      Could believe his eyes,
-                    For what he saw quite
-                      Filled him with surprise:
-            There stood the _very_ motor-car he'd meant,
-            In make, and pattern, most convenient,
-                              And size.
-
-                    "Well! as it's here, I'll
-                      Use the thing," he cried.
-                    (Indeed, what was there
-                      To be done beside?)
-            So, watched by quite a crowd about the door,
-            He turned the crank, and off he started for
-                              A ride.
-
-                    On went the motor-
-                      Car, on—"pop-pop-pop!"—
-                    On through the streets, and
-                      On past house and shop,
-            Through country lanes, and over hill and dell,
-            Delightfully,—until he thought it well
-                              To stop.
-
-                    But stop he couldn't,
-                      Try whate'er he would—
-                    _He hadn't drawn quite
-                      Everything he should_;
-            Some little crank, or something, he'd not done,
-            Because the mechanism he'd not un-
-                              Derstood.
-
-                    Result? Poor fellow!
-                      To this day, he flies
-                    Along the roads, with
-                      Starting eyes, and cries
-            For help—which nobody can give him, for
-            He's doomed to ride until the thing busts, or—
-                              He dies.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                                 XXXVI.
-                THAT OF THE INCONSIDERATE NABOB AND THE
-                    LADY WHO DESIRED TO BE A BEGUM.
-
-
-                 Begums! Exactly what they are
-                   I really ought to know—but don't;
-                 In my Encyclopædia
-                   I'll look them up. Stay! No, I won't.
-               Instead, let us converse together
-               About Miss Mary Merryweather.
-
-                 A guileless child of nature, she
-                   Who lived out Upper Norwood way,
-                 A Begum she desired to be,
-                   And dreamt about this night and day,
-               But,—though she made a solemn vow to
-               Be a Begum,—knew not how to.
-
-                 "What _is_ a Begum?" friends would ask,
-                   And Mary M—— would shake her head.
-                 "Though doubtless it will be a task
-                   I'll find out for myself," she said.
-               They raised their hands in consternation
-               At this announced determination.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                 Later Miss Merryweather said:
-                   "To be a Begum one must go
-                 To India. I'd better wed
-                   A captain on a P. and O.
-               I'll therefore marry Captain Jolly."
-               (A kind old man who called her "Polly.")
-
-                 "Though what on earth a girl could see,"
-                   He said, while on their honeymoon,
-                 "Attractive in a man like me——"
-                   Then Mrs. Jolly very soon
-               (Though doubtless with some trepidation)
-               Explained to him the situation.
-
-                 Good Captain Jolly sighed, and said:
-                   "A Begum you can never be,
-                 My dearest Poll, till I am dead;
-                   Perhaps I'd better die," said he.
-               "If you don't mind, I think you'd better,"
-               Said she; "'twill suit me to the letter."
-
-                 So Captain Jolly, worthy soul,
-                   Deceased, as she desired him to.
-                 In India—the lady's goal;
-                   A wealthy Nabob came in view,
-               Whom Widow Jolly captivated.
-               And,—later,—married, as is stated.
-
-                 "A Begum now at last am I,"
-                   She said, when she had married him,
-                 "A Begum!" said the Nabob. "Why?"
-                   His wife explained. "A harmless whim,"
-               Said he; "but I regret to state, Ma'am,
-               You're _not_ what you anticipate, Ma'am.
-
-                 "A Begum is a _Rajah's_ wife,
-                   And _not_ a Nabob's, don't you see;
-                 And so throughout _my_ natural life
-                   A Begum you can never be."
-               She wept—and hinted Captain Jolly
-               Had died to please his little Polly.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                 "Perhaps you——" "No, I won't," he cried;
-                   "I draw the line," said he, "at that.
-                 Although poor Jolly may have died
-                  To please you—I refuse. That's flat!"
-
-                         *     *     *
-
-               And so, alas! for her endeavour,
-               She never _was_ a Begum,—never!
-
-
-
-
-                                XXXVII.
-          THAT OF DR. FARLEY, M.D., SPECIALIST IN LITTLE TOES.
-
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                  Ever heard of Dr. Farley,
-                    Doctor Farley, sir, M.D.,
-                  Living in the street of Harley,
-                    Street of Harley, Number Three?
-
-                  Years ago the simple fact is,
-                    Simple fact is, don't you know,
-                  He had but a tiny practice,
-                    Tiny practice, down at Bow.
-
-                  Consultations for a shilling,
-                    For a shilling, sir, with pills;
-                  For this sum he e'en was willing,
-                    Willing, sir, to cure all ills.
-
-                  Pains in "tum-tums" he would cure a,
-                    Cure a man of, in a night,
-                  With Ip. Cac. and Aqua pura
-                    (Aqua pura his delight).
-
-                  He was, too, a skilful surgeon,
-                    Skilful surgeon, yet his fee—
-                  Seldom was it known to verge on,
-                    Even verge on, two and three.
-
-                  Work at this rate wasn't paying,
-                    Wasn't paying—what surprise?
-                  So he sold his practice, saying,
-                    Saying, "I must specialize."
-
-                  "That's the way to pick up money,
-                    Pick up money, so I'm told."
-                  So he did it. Now—it's funny,
-                    Funny, but—he rolls in gold.
-
-                  His success himself surprises,
-                    Much surprises, for he knows
-                  That he only specialises,
-                    Specialises, little toes.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                 When swells in their little tootsies,
-                   Little tootsies, suffer pain,
-                 Unto him they bring their footsies,
-                   Footsies, to put right again;
-
-                 For they say, sir, "None but he, sir,
-                   He, sir, understands the toe."
-                 Earls and Dukes wait every day, sir,
-                   Every day, sir, in a row.
-
-                 This the history of Farley,
-                   Doctor Farley, sir, M.D.,
-                 _Others—in the street of Harley—
-                   Others like him there may be._
-
-                 There's a moral to this story,
-                   To this story, if you're wise:
-                 If you'd win both wealth and glory,
-                   Wealth and glory—SPECIALIZE.
-
-
-
-
-                                XXXVIII.
-                    THAT OF JEREMIAH SCOLES, MISER.
-
-
-                 I sing of joys, and junketings,
-                 Of holly, and of such-like things;
-                 I sing of merry mistletoe,
-                 And,—pardon me,—I sing also
-                       Of Jeremiah Scoles.
-                 I sing of Mister Scoles because
-                 So singular a man he was,
-                 And had so very strange a way
-                 Of celebrating Christmas Day—
-                       Unlike all other souls.
-
-                 Myself, I am a cheerful man,
-                 Enjoying life as best I can.
-                 At Christmas-time I love to see
-                 The flow of mirth and jollity
-                       About the festive board;
-                 I love to dance, I _try_ to sing;
-                 On enemies, like anything,
-                 At Christmas-time I heap hot coals,
-                 But not so Jeremiah Scoles—
-                       _He_ loves a miser's hoard.
-
-                 I chanced one year, on Christmas Day,
-                 To call upon him, just to say
-                 That we'd be very pleased to see
-                 Him, if he'd care to come to tea.
-                       I found him quite alone.
-                 He sat before a fireless grate;
-                 The room looked bare and desolate,
-                 And he, unkempt, in dressing-gown,
-                 Received me with an angry frown,
-                       And spoke in surly tone.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-              "Ha! what d'ye _want_?" said he to me
-              And eyed me most suspiciously.
-              I laughed and gave a hearty smack
-              Upon the grumpy fellow's back,
-                    And cried: "Come home with me.
-              We'll treat you well. There's lots of fun—"
-              But ere I scarcely had begun
-              He cut me short. "Pooh! folly! stuff!
-              See _here_; I've fun—quite fun enough!"
-                    He laughed, but mirthlessly.
-
-              Before him on the table lay
-              Gold, silver, coppers, in array;
-              Some empty bottles; stacks of bills;
-              Some boxes for containing pills—
-                    And that was all. Said he:
-              "This gold is what I _haven't_ spent
-              In presents; and the silver's meant
-              To show what _could_ be wasted in—
-              Pah!—Christmas boxes. 'Tis a sin
-                    I don't encourage—no, not me?
-
-              "The coppers—little boys, no doubt,
-              Would like 'em—_they may go without_;
-              While these long bills I _should_ have had
-              From tradesmen, had I been so mad
-                    As to have bought the things
-              They represent for Christmas cheer;
-              These bottles and pill-boxes here
-              Show what I will _not_ have to take,
-              Because I'll have _no_ stomach-ache
-                    That over-eating brings.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                 "And thus I spend my Christmas Day,
-                 Thinking what silly fools are they
-                 Who spend so much in solid cash
-                 On so much sentimental trash.
-                       And now, good-day to you!"
-                 He showed me out, he banged the door,
-                 And I was—where I was before.
-
-                           *     *     *
-
-                 I really think, upon my word,
-                 His line of reasoning's most absurd.
-                       No doubt you think so, too?
-
-
-
-
-                                 XXXIX.
-                     THAT OF THE HIGH-SOULED YOUTH.
-
-
-                A year or so ago, you know,
-                I had a friend, at Pimlico,
-                For want of better name called Joe
-                  (This name is not his right 'un).
-                He was a sweet, poetic youth,
-                Romantic, gallant, and in sooth
-                Might well be called, in very truth
-                  An "Admirable Crichton."
-
-                And oh! it grieved him sore to see
-                The lack,—these times,—of chivalry.
-                He'd now and then confide to me
-                  His views upon the matter.
-                "Good, never _now_ is done by stealth!"
-                He'd say, "Men ruin mind, and health
-                In sordid scramble after wealth;
-                  And talk,—is idle chatter."
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                 "That simple virtue, Modesty,
-                 Alas! it now appears to be
-                 A valueless commodity,
-                   Though _once_ men prized it highly."
-                 He went on thus,—like anything,
-                 Until I heard, one day last Spring,
-                 That he intended marrying
-                   The daughter of old Riley.
-
-                 I knew the Riley girls, and thought
-                 "Now this has turned out as it ought.
-                 Joe is a reg'lar right good sort
-                   To marry 'Cinderella.'"
-                 The younger one, (thus called by me)
-                 A sweet good girl as e'er might be
-                 Was poor; the elder—rich was _she_—
-                   Her name was Arabella.
-
-                 An Aunt had left her lots of gold,
-                 While 'Cinderella'—so I'm told,—
-                 She left entirely in the cold
-                   Without a single shilling.
-                 The elder one,—though plain to see,—
-                 Of suitors had some two, or three;
-                 Poor Cinderella, nobody
-                   To marry _her_ seemed willing.
-
-                 Until the noble high-souled Joe—
-                 That Errant-knight of Pimlico—
-                 Came forth, the world at large to show
-                   That _he_ at least knew better.
-                 In spirit I before him bowed,
-                 "To know a man like _that_ I'm proud
-                 And happy!" I remarked aloud,
-                   And sent to him this letter.
-
-[Illustration: "ARABELLA."]
-
-                 "_Dear Joe;—Wealth as you say's a trap
-                 Gold is but dross,—not worth a rap—
-                 How very like you—dear old chap!—
-                   To marry 'Cinderella.'_"
-                           *     *     *
-                 He wrote:—"_I must expostulate,
-                 I'm not a_ FOOL _at any rate_!
-                 OF COURSE _I've chosen as a mate
-                   The_ RICH _one, Arabella_!"
-
-
-
-
-                                  XL.
-             THAT OF MR. JUSTICE DEAR'S LITTLE JOKE AND THE
-                 UNFORTUNATE MAN WHO COULD NOT SEE IT.
-
-
-[Illustration]
-
-              Again of Mr. Justice Dear
-                My harmless numbers flowing,
-              Shall tell a story somewhat queer
-                About His Worship, showing,
-              How sensitive the legal wit.
-              It _is_. There is no doubt of it.
-
-              Before good Justice Dear one day
-                A man—for some small matter,
-              Was hailed, and, in his own sly way
-                (The former, not the latter)
-              Made,—and I thought the Court would choke,—
-              An unpremeditated joke.
-
-              The prosecuting Counsel roared,
-                The Jury giggled madly,
-              Only the Prisoner looked bored,
-                _He_ took it rather sadly.
-              "Why don't you laugh?" the Usher said,
-              The Prisoner, he shook his head.
-
-              "I cannot see," said he, "that's flat—
-                A fact that's most annoying,—
-              What everyone is laughing at,
-                And seemingly enjoying."
-              This strange remark, it reached his ear
-              And irritated Justice Dear.
-
-              "When I am pleased to make a joke
-                That's _not_ the way to treat it."
-              Thus, warningly, his Worship spoke,
-                "Now listen! I'll repeat it."
-              He did. He said it o'er and o'er.
-              At least a dozen times or more.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                 "Excuse me, sir," the Prisoner said,
-                   "At _what_ may you be driving?"
-                 Good Justice Dear turned very red,
-                   "This joke of my contriving,
-                 If you don't see it, Sir, you ought;
-                 If not—well—'tis contempt of Court."
-
-                 The Counsel then explained it, but
-                   Quite failed the point to show him;
-                 The Usher muttered "Tut-tut-tut!"
-                   The Jury whispered "Blow him!"
-                 Then several people wrote it down.
-                 The Prisoner still wore a frown.
-
-                 "Am I supposed to laugh at _that_?
-                   Why? I can't see the reason."
-                 It was too much. His Lordship sat
-                   Aghast. "'Tis almost treason!
-                 That unpremeditated joke before
-                 Has _never_ failed to raise a roar.
-
-                 "Defective in morality,
-                   Must be that man misguided,
-                 Who fails its brilliancy to see."
-                   His Lordship then decided
-                 To send the man,—despite his tears,—
-                 To servitude, for twenty years.
-
-
-
-
-                                  XLI.
-                THAT OF THE LADIES OF ASCENSION ISLAND.
-
-
-                 On the Island of Ascension
-                   There are only ladies ten,
-                 The remaining population
-                   Being officers or men.
-                 "Dear me!" I hear you saying,
-                   "How united they must be!"
-                 But in this you'd be mistaken,
-                   As you'll very quickly see.
-
-                 For each lady on the Island
-                   Thinks _she_ ought to take the lead
-                 In social matters, and on this
-                   They're not at all agreed.
-                 And Mrs. Smith's told Mrs. Brown
-                   She thinks her most absurd,
-                 While others cut each other dead
-                   And don't exchange a word.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                This state of thing's been going on
-                  They tell me year by year,
-                And the husbands have grown tired of it
-                  As we should do I fear;
-                For connubial felicity
-                  Is doomed, if all our lives
-                Are spent in listening to the faults
-                  Of other people's wives.
-
-                Quite recently a steamer called
-                  For cinnamon and spice,
-                And her Captain and the officers
-                  Were asked for their advice.
-                They gave it promptly. It was this—
-                  "'Twere better you agreed,
-                In social matters, just to let
-                  The _eldest_ lady lead."
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                   They tried it. But—good gracious!
-                     They are worse off than before,
-                   For every lady in the place
-                     Is firm upon that score.
-                   Impossible it is that age
-                     Shall be the final test,
-                   _For every one insists that she
-                     Is younger than the rest_!
-
-
-
-
-                                 XLII.
-                   THAT OF THE ARTICULATING SKELETON.
-
-
-                  There was a worthy Doctor once
-                    Who unlike Mother Hubbard
-                  Had _many_ bones (a skeleton)
-                    Shut up within a cupboard.
-
-                  One night the worthy Doctor dreamt,
-                    (He'd been up rather late)
-                  His articulated skeleton
-                    Did thus articulate:—
-
-[Illustration]
-
-       "Come! Doctor, come! confess that you're a fraud
-             A very specious humbug and a sham.
-             Though meek as any lamb.
-       Don't glare at me! I'll tell it not abroad
-       But merely in _your_ ears alone applaud
-             The wily artifice of pill and dram.
-
-       "_You_ know as well as I do, you don't mean,
-             One half the things you tell 'our patient.' No!
-             Why, I can clearly show,
-       That Mrs. Gobbles' ailments are but spleen,
-       ('Tis quite the simplest cause that e'er was seen)
-             And yet what crack-jaw names you now bestow.
-
-       "Because, forsooth, the longer you can prey
-             Upon her pocket, _that_ doth please you best,
-             So, Doctor, you protest
-       'The case is serious,' from day to day,
-       'And it must run its course,' you gravely say
-             With wisest head-shake and a look distressed.
-
-       "And then those pills! Absurd you know to try
-             To gammon _me_ with bolluses of bread;
-             While Aqua P. I've said,
-       Often, is good (if nothing else be nigh)
-       To drink when thirsty and our throats are dry,
-             But _not_ for medicine—though coloured red.
-
-       "So, Doctor, when we're by ourselves alone,
-             Don't try to put on 'side' with me, good lack,
-             For I can surely track
-       Full many a 'fatal case' you'd fain disown.
-       And _I_ can tell aright why you should groan
-             _When harmless ducks in passing cry 'Quack! Quack!'_
-
-                 *     *     *
-
-       The Doctor woke. "Dear me!" said he,
-         "This skeleton's too wise
-       For me." He therefore packed it up,
-         And sent it off to Guy's.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-
-
-                                 XLIII.
-            THAT OF YE LOVE-PHILTRE: AN OLD-ENGLISH LEGEND.
-
-
-                    Sir Peter de Wynkin
-                      He loved a fair mayde,
-                    And he wooed ye fair mayde
-                      For hys bride.
-                    But ye ladye cried "no,"
-                      With a toss of her head,
-                    And Sir Wynkin
-                      Disconsolate sighed.
-
-                    "Now out! and alas!
-                      And alack-a-day me!"
-                    He sang him
-                      In sorrowful tones,
-                    "She loveth me not
-                      Yet, beshrew me!" said he,
-                    "There's a wizard I wot of
-                      Called—Jones."
-
-                    Caldweller Ap Jones,
-                      Was a wizard of note,
-                    And he dwelt in a cave
-                      Hard at hand.
-                    Love-philtres and potions
-                      He sold for a groat,
-                    To ye rich and ye poor
-                      Of ye land.
-
-                    Sir Wynkin, he sought
-                      This same wizard straightway,
-                    And he told him hys
-                      Dolorous plight.
-                    The wizard cried, "Ha!
-                      If you'll do as I say,
-                    Thys small matter
-                      Can soon be set right."
-
-                    "Thys potion—a love-philtre
-                      Made extra strong—
-                    To ye ladye, by you,
-                      Must be given."
-                    "Oddzooks!" quoth Sir Wynkin.
-                      "Ye ladye ere long
-                    Shall receive it,
-                      Or e'er I be shriven."
-
-                    Ye bower was high
-                      Where ye fair ladye slept,
-                    But Sir Wynkin climbed up
-                      From ye basement.
-                    By means of ye ivy
-                      He painfully crept,
-                    And ye potion placed
-                      Outside the casement.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                    "She'll find it," quoth he,
-                      "Ere the morrow is past.
-                    Curiosity'll prompt her
-                      To drink it.
-                    Ye magic will act,
-                      And she'll love me at last.
-                    Ah me! 'Tis sweet joy
-                      E'en to think it."
-
-                    But alack! and alas!
-                      Ye endyng was sad,
-                    Ye love-philtre caused
-                      Quite a commotion.
-                    For—a toothless old grand-dame
-                      Ye fair ladye had,
-                    And _she_ found, and _she_ drank
-                      Ye love potion!!
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                    Fell madly in love
-                      With Sir Wynkin 'tis said,
-                    And declared that ye Knight
-                      Had betrayed her.
-                    So, distraught, from ye country
-                      Sir Wynkin he fled,
-                    And he died at ye wars—
-                      A Crusader.
-
-
-
-
-                                 XLIV.
-                       THAT OF THE BARGAIN SALE.
-
-
-              I sing of Mrs. Tomkins-Smythe,
-                And Mrs. Gibson-Brown;
-              Two ladies resident within
-                A square, near Camden Town.
-
-              Good neighbours they had been, and friends,
-                For twenty years, or more;
-              The Tomkins-Smythes they lived at "6,"
-                The Gibson-Browns at "4."
-
-              'Twas in that season of the year
-                When drapers' bargain sales
-              Do fascinate the female mind,
-                And vex the married males.
-
-              An illustrated catalogue
-                Arrived at "Number 4,"
-              Which Mrs. Gibson-Brown took in
-                To show her friend next door.
-
-              "My dear!" she cried in eager tones,
-                "_Such_ bargains! Gracious me!
-              Here's _this_ reduced from two-and-six
-                To one eleven-three!
-
-[Illustration]
-
-               "And _those_ which you remember, dear,
-                 We thought so very nice,
-               They're selling off at really an
-                 Alarming sacrifice!"
-
-               "Those _remnants_—" Mrs. Tomkins-Smythe
-                 Remained to hear no more;
-               She jabbed her bonnet on with pins,
-                 And hurried to the door.
-
-               A tram, a 'bus, the tupp'ny tube,
-                 And they were quickly there;
-               And joining in the buzzing crowd
-                 Of other ladies fair.
-
-               They pulled at this, they tugged at that,
-                 They turned and tumbled those;
-               And pushed, and crowded with the best,
-                 And trod on people's toes.
-
-               They glared at other buyers, and
-                 Forestalled them—when they could;
-               And behaved, indeed, exactly,
-                 As _at sales_ all ladies should.
-
-               Till with heavy parcels laden,
-                 Breathless, but with keen delight,
-               They beheld the remnant counter
-                 ("Second turning to the right.")
-
-               And (alas! how small a matter
-                 May entirely change life's view)
-               Both in the self-same instant
-                 Saw a remnant—Navy blue.
-
-               They each reached out to take it.
-                 "'Tis mine!" they both did cry.
-               "I saw it first, my dearest love."
-                 "No, darling, it was I."
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                 "_My_ remnant, and I'll buy it!"
-                   "Indeed? I think you _won't_!"
-                 "Pooh! madame, I will have it!"
-                   "I'll see, ma'am, that you don't!"
-
-                 And thus, and thus—oh, woesome sight—
-                   They quarrelled, nor would stop
-                 Until the shopwalker he came
-                   And turned them from the shop.
-
-                           *     *     *
-
-                 They never made the quarrel up,
-                   And now, with icy stare,
-                 They pass each other in the street
-                   With noses in the air.
-
-
-
-
-                                  XLV.
-                        THAT OF A DECEASED FLY.
-
-                              (A Ballade.)
-
-
-[Illustration]
-
-               A little busy buzzy fly
-                 Before my window oft would go,
-               I daily saw him sailing by
-                 And thought that I would like to know
-               More of that little fly, and oh!
-                 I raised my hat, and bowed, and said,
-               "How do!" The fly replied, "So, so!"
-                 (Alas! that little fly is dead.)
-
-               We grew quite friendly, he and I,
-                 He'd come when called—I called him Joe.—
-               He was a most amusing fly.
-                 At evening, when the sun was low,
-                 Or, by the firelight's ruddy glow
-               He'd hopscotch on my buttered bread
-                 Or o'er my jam, with nimble toe.
-               (Alas! that little fly is dead.)
-
-               I saved him once, when none was by;
-                 From out the milk jug's fatal flow
-               I fished him out, and let him dry.
-                 His gratitude he tried to show
-                 In many ways I know, I know;
-               _But_—when upon my bald, bald head
-               He gamboled, could I stand it? _No!
-                 Alas! that little fly is dead!_
-
-[Illustration]
-
-
-                                 ENVOY.
-
-                 Prince. Pity, not your blame, bestow.
-                 Remember all the tears I've shed.
-                 What _could_ I do? _It tickled so._
-                   Alas! That little fly is dead.
-
-
-
-
-                               EPILOGUE.
-
-
-               There,—having sung in dulcet tones
-               Of Brown, and Robinson, and Jones,
-               Of poets, cannibals, and kings,
-               Of burglars, dukes, and such like things—
-               May kindly Fate our fortunes mend.
-               We wish you joy. This is
-
-[Illustration: THE END]
-
-
-
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-<pre>
-
-The Project Gutenberg EBook of Absurd Ditties, by G. E. Farrow
-
-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most
-other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
-whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of
-the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at
-www.gutenberg.org.  If you are not located in the United States, you'll have
-to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook.
-
-Title: Absurd Ditties
-
-Author: G. E. Farrow
-
-Illustrator: John Hassall
-
-Release Date: October 1, 2016 [EBook #53190]
-
-Language: English
-
-Character set encoding: UTF-8
-
-*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ABSURD DITTIES ***
-
-
-
-
-Produced by David Edwards, readbueno and the Online
-Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
-book was produced from scanned images of public domain
-material from the Google Books project.)
-
-
-
-
-
-
-</pre>
-
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/cover.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='pbb'>
- <hr class='pb c000' />
-</div>
-<div>
-  <a id='Page_i'></a>
-  <h1 class='c001'>ABSURD DITTIES</h1>
-</div>
-<div class='pbb'>
- <hr class='pb c000' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='nf-center-c1'>
-<div class='nf-center c002'>
-    <div><a id='Page_ii'></a><span class='small'>THESE</span></div>
-    <div><span class='small'>TO</span></div>
-    <div><span class='small'>MY FRIEND</span></div>
-    <div>T. FRANCIS VERE FOSTER.</div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='c003'>G. E. F.</div>
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_iii'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'><span class='xxlarge'>ABSURD DITTIES</span></h2>
-</div>
-
-<div class='nf-center-c1'>
-<div class='nf-center c005'>
-    <div>BY</div>
-    <div class='c000'>G. E. FARROW</div>
-    <div class='c000'><span class='small'><i>Author of "The Wallypug of Why" etc.</i></span></div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id002'>
-<img src='images/i_003a.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='nf-center-c1'>
-  <div class='nf-center'>
-    <div>WITH PICTORIAL ABSURDITIES</div>
-    <div><span class='small'>BY</span></div>
-    <div>JOHN HASSALL</div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id003'>
-<img src='images/i_003b.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='nf-center-c1'>
-  <div class='nf-center'>
-    <div><span class='small'>LONDON</span></div>
-    <div>GEORGE ROUTLEDGE AND SONS, <span class='sc'>Ltd.</span></div>
-    <div><span class='small'><span class='sc'>New York: E. P. Dutton and Co.</span></span></div>
-    <div>1903</div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_v'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>CONTENTS.</h2>
-</div>
-<table class='table0' summary=''>
-<colgroup>
-<col width='15%' />
-<col width='75%' />
-<col width='9%' />
-</colgroup>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>&nbsp;</td>
-    <td class='c007'>&nbsp;</td>
-    <td class='c008'><span class='small'>PAGE.</span></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>I.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF MR. JUSTICE DEAR</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_1'>1</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>II.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF THE LATE MR. BROWN</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_5'>5</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>III.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF OUR OLD FRIEND, BISHOP P.</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_9'>9</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>IV.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF CAPTAIN ARCHIBALD MCKAN</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_15'>15</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>V.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF MATILDA</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_20'>20</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>VI.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF "DOCTHOR" PATRICK O'DOOLEY</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_25'>25</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>VII.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF MY AUNT BETSY</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_31'>31</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>VIII.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF THE TUCK-SHOP WOMAN</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_37'>37</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>IX.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF S. P. IDERS WEBBE, SOLICITOR</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_43'>43</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>X.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF MONSIEUR ALPHONSE VERT</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_50'>50</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>XI.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF LORD WILLIAM OF PURLEIGH</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_55'>55</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>XII.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF PASHA ABDULLA BEY</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_60'>60</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>XIII.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF ALGERNON CROKER</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_65'>65</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>XIV.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF——?</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_69'>69</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>XV.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF THE RIVAL HAIRDRESSERS</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_75'>75</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>XVI.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF THE AUCTIONEER'S DREAM</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_80'>80</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>XVII.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF THE PLAIN COOK</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_86'>86</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>XVIII.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF TWO MEDDLESOME PARTIES AND THEIR RESPECTIVE FATES</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_91'>91</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>XIX.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF THE HOOLIGAN AND THE PHILANTHROPIST</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_98'>98</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>XX.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF THE SOCIALIST AND THE EARL</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_104'>104</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>XXI.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF THE RETIRED PORK-BUTCHER AND THE SPOOK</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_109'>109</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>XXII.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF THE POET AND THE BUCCANEERS</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_115'>115</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>XXIII.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF THE UNDERGROUND "SULPHUR CURE"</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_121'>121</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>XXIV.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF THE FAIRY GRANDMOTHER AND THE COMPANY PROMOTER</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_127'>127</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>XXV.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF THE GEISHA AND THE JAPANESE WARRIOR</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_132'>132</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'><a id='Page_vi'></a>XXVI.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF THE INDISCREET HEN AND THE RESOURCEFUL ROOSTER</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_137'>137</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>XXVII.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF A DUEL IN FRANCE</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_141'>141</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>XXVIII.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF THE ASTUTE NOVELIST</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_146'>146</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>XXIX.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF THE ABSENT-MINDED LADY</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_151'>151</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>XXX.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF THE GERMAN BAKER AND THE COOK</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_155'>155</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>XXXI.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF THE CONVERTED CANNIBALS</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_160'>160</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>XXXII.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF A FRUITLESS ENDEAVOUR</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_164'>164</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>XXXIII.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF THE UNFORTUNATE LOVER</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_168'>168</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>XXXIV.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF THE FEMALE GORILLY</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_174'>174</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>XXXV.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF THE ARTIST AND THE MOTOR-CAR. (A TRAGEDY)</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_179'>179</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>XXXVI.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF THE INCONSIDERATE NABOB AND THE LADY WHO DESIRED TO BE A BEGUM</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_184'>184</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>XXXVII.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF DR. FARLEY, M.D., SPECIALIST IN LITTLE TOES</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_188'>188</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>XXXVIII.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF JEREMIAH SCOLES, MISER</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_192'>192</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>XXXIX.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF THE HIGH-SOULED YOUTH</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_196'>196</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>LX.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF MR. JUSTICE DEAR'S LITTLE JOKE AND THE UNFORTUNATE MAN WHO COULD NOT SEE IT</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_201'>201</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>LXI.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF THE LADIES OF ASCENSION ISLAND</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_205'>205</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>LXII.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF THE ARTICULATING SKELETON</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_208'>208</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>LXIII.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF YE LOVE PHILTRE: (AN OLD-ENGLISH LEGEND)</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_211'>211</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>LXIV.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF THE BARGAIN SALE</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_216'>216</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>LXV.</td>
-    <td class='c007'>THAT OF A DECEASED FLY (A BALLADE)</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_221'>221</a></td>
-  </tr>
-  <tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
-  <tr>
-    <td class='c006'>&nbsp;</td>
-    <td class='c007'>EPILOGUE</td>
-    <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_224'>224</a></td>
-  </tr>
-</table>
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_1'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'><span class='large'>ABSURD DITTIES.</span></h2>
-</div>
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <h2 class='c004'>I.<br />THAT OF MR. JUSTICE DEAR.</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"'Tis really very, <i>very</i> queer!"</div>
-      <div class='line'>Ejaculated Justice Dear,</div>
-      <div class='line'>"That, day by day, I'm sitting here</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>Without a single 'case.'</div>
-      <div class='line'>This is the twenty-second pair</div>
-      <div class='line'>Of white kid gloves, I do declare,</div>
-      <div class='line'>I've had this month. I can <i>not</i> wear</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>White kids at such a pace."</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id004'>
-<img src='images/i_007.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_2'></a>His Lordship thought the matter o'er.</div>
-      <div class='line'>"Crimes ne'er have been so few before;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Not long ago, I heard a score</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Of charges every day;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And now—dear me! how <i>can</i> it be?—</div>
-      <div class='line'>And, pondering thus, went home to tea.</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>(He lives Bayswater way.)</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>A frugal mind has Justice Dear</div>
-      <div class='line'>(Indeed, I've heard folks call him "near"),</div>
-      <div class='line'>And, caring naught for jibe or jeer,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>He rides home on a bus.</div>
-      <div class='line'>It singularly came to pass,</div>
-      <div class='line'><i>This</i> day, he chanced to ride, alas!</div>
-      <div class='line'>Beside two of the burglar class;</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>And one addressed him thus:</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"We knows yer, Mr. Justice Dear,</div>
-      <div class='line'>You've often giv' us 'time'—d'ye hear?—</div>
-      <div class='line'>And now your pitch we're going to queer,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>We criminals has <i>struck</i>!</div>
-      <div class='line'>We're on the 'honest livin' tack,</div>
-      <div class='line'>An' not another crib we'll crack,</div>
-      <div class='line'>So Justices will get the sack!</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>How's <i>that</i>, my legal buck?"</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_3'></a>This gave his Lordship quite a fright,</div>
-      <div class='line'>He had not viewed it in that light.</div>
-      <div class='line'>"Dear me!" he thought, "these men are right,</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>I'd better smooth them down.</div>
-      <div class='line'>"Let's not fall out, my friends," said he,</div>
-      <div class='line'>"Continue with your burglarie;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Your point of view I clearly see.</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>Ahem! Here's half-a-crown."</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_009.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_4'></a>The morning sun shone bright and clear</div>
-      <div class='line'>On angry Mr. Justice Dear;</div>
-      <div class='line'>His language was not good to hear;</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>With rage he'd like to burst.</div>
-      <div class='line'>His watch and chain, and several rings,</div>
-      <div class='line'>His silver-plate, and other things,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Had disappeared on magic wings—</div>
-      <div class='line in6'><i>They'd burgled his house first</i>!</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_5'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>II.<br />THAT OF THE LATE MR. BROWN.</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Life has its little ups, and downs,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>As has been very truly said,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>And Mr. Brown,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Of Camden Town</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>(Alas! the gentleman is dead),</div>
-      <div class='line'>Found out how quickly Fortune's smile</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>May turn to Fortune's frown;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And how a sudden rise in life</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>May bring a person down.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>He lived—as I remarked before—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Within a highly genteel square</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>At Camden Town,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Did Mr. Brown</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>(He had been born and brought up there);</div>
-      <div class='line'>But—waxing richer year by year—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Grew prosperous and fat,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And left the square at Camden Town</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To take a West End flat.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_6'></a>It was a very stylish flat,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>With such appointments on each floor</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>As Mr. Brown</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>At Camden Town</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Had never, never seen before:</div>
-      <div class='line'>Electric lights; hydraulic lifts,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To take one up and down;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And telephones <i>to everywhere</i>.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>(These quite bewildered Brown.)</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>The elevator pleased him most;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To ride in it was perfect bliss.</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>"I say!" cried Brown,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>"At Camden Town</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>We'd nothing half as good as this."</div>
-      <div class='line'>From early morn till dewy eve</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He spent his time—did Brown—</div>
-      <div class='line'>In being elevated up,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And elevated down.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>One night—I cannot tell you why—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>When all the household soundly slept,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Poor Mr. Brown</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>(Late Camden Town)</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Into the elevator stept;</div>
-      <div class='line'>It stuck midway 'twixt floor and floor,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And when they got it down,</div>
-      <div class='line'>They found that it was all U.—P.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>With suffocated Brown.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<a id='Page_7'></a><img src='images/i_013.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_8'></a>Yes, life <i>is</i> full of ups and downs,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>As someone said in days of yore.</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>They buried Brown</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>At Camden Town</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>(The place where he had lived before);</div>
-      <div class='line'>And now, alas! a-lack-a-day!</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In black and solemn gowns,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Disconsolate walk Mrs. Brown</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And all the little Browns.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_014.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_9'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>III.<br />THAT OF OUR OLD FRIEND BISHOP P.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<div class='nf-center-c1'>
-<div class='nf-center c005'>
-    <div><span class='small'>(With many thanks to Mr. W. S. Gilbert for his kind assurances</span></div>
-    <div><span class='small'>that the inclusion of these verses causes him no offence.)</span></div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Twice Mr. Gilbert sang to you</div>
-      <div class='line'>Of Bishop P., of Rum-ti-foo;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Now, by your leave, I'll do that too,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Altho' I'm bound to fail</div>
-      <div class='line'>(So you will tell me to my face)</div>
-      <div class='line'>In catching e'en the slightest trace</div>
-      <div class='line'>Of true Gilbertian charm, or grace,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>To decorate my tale.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Still, I will tell, as best I can,</div>
-      <div class='line'>How Bishop Peter—worthy man—</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Is getting on by now.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Now where shall I begin? Let's see?</div>
-      <div class='line'>You know, I think, that Bishop P.</div>
-      <div class='line'>(Wishful to please his flock was he)</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Once took the bridegroom's vow.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_10'></a>You doubtless recollect, His Grace</div>
-      <div class='line'>Wed Piccadil'lee of that place,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And Peterkins were born apace,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>When she became his bride.</div>
-      <div class='line'>In fact I'm told that there were three,</div>
-      <div class='line'>When dusky Piccadillillee,</div>
-      <div class='line'>In odour of sanctittittee,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Incontinently died.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_016.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_11'></a>Some years have passed since her demise</div>
-      <div class='line'>But Bishop Peter—bless his eyes—</div>
-      <div class='line'>That saintly prelate, kind, and wise,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Is excellently well.</div>
-      <div class='line'>And, not so very long ago,</div>
-      <div class='line'>He sought to wed—this gallant beau</div>
-      <div class='line'>(His faithful flock desired it so)—</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Another Island belle.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>There was one difficulty, this:</div>
-      <div class='line'>Our Peter wooed a dusky Miss</div>
-      <div class='line'>Who (tho' inclined to married bliss)</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Declared him rather old;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Who giggled at his bald, bald head,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And even went so far, 'tis said,</div>
-      <div class='line'>As to decline His Grace to wed,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Did Lollipoppee bold.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>But, one day, on that far-off reef,</div>
-      <div class='line'>A merchant vessel came to grief,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And all the cargo—to be brief—</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Was washed upon the shore.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Most of the crew, I grieve to state,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Except the Bos'un and the Mate,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Were lost. Theirs was a woesome fate,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>And one we all deplore.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_12'></a>Amongst the wreckage on the strand,</div>
-      <div class='line'>A box of "Tatcho" came to land,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Which, there half buried in the sand,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>The Bishop—singing hymns</div>
-      <div class='line'>Amongst his flock down by the shore—</div>
-      <div class='line'>Discovered, and they open tore</div>
-      <div class='line'>The case. Behold! The contents bore</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>The magic name of Sims.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"What! G. R. Sims?" quoth Bishop P.</div>
-      <div class='line'>(Visions of "Billy's Rose" had he),</div>
-      <div class='line'>"Good gracious now! It Sims to me</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>I've heard that name before."</div>
-      <div class='line'>(Oh, well bred flock! there was not one</div>
-      <div class='line'>Who did not laugh at this poor pun;</div>
-      <div class='line'>They revelled in their Bishop's fun.</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>They even cried "Encore!")</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Then spake the Mate (whose name was Ted):</div>
-      <div class='line'>"Now this 'ere stuff, so I've 'eard said,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Will make the 'air grow on yer 'ead</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>As thick as any mat."</div>
-      <div class='line'>"Indeed?" quoth worthy Bishop P.;</div>
-      <div class='line'>"Then 'tis the very thing for me,</div>
-      <div class='line'>For I am bald, as you may see."</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>His Grace removed his hat.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_13'></a>The Bo'sun quickly broke the neck</div>
-      <div class='line'>Of one large bottle from the wreck,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Proceeding then His Grace to deck</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>With towels (careful man,</div>
-      <div class='line'>This was to save his coat of black,</div>
-      <div class='line'>For "Tatcho" running down one's back</div>
-      <div class='line'>Is clearly off its proper tack).</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>And then the fun began.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_019.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_14'></a>For Ted he rubbed the liquid through,</div>
-      <div class='line'>As hard as ever he could do.</div>
-      <div class='line'>And worthy Jack rubbed some in too</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>(The Bo'sun's name was Jack).</div>
-      <div class='line'>And day by day they did the same.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Now "Tatcho" ne'er belies its fame,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And soon a little hair there came</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>(His Lordship's hair is black).</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Miss Lollipoppee views with glee</div>
-      <div class='line'>The change in worthy Bishop P.</div>
-      <div class='line'><i>Now</i> quite agreed to wed is she</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>(The banns were called to-day).</div>
-      <div class='line'>No "just cause or impediment"</div>
-      <div class='line'>Can interfere with their content;</div>
-      <div class='line'>The natives' loyal sentiment</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Is summed up in "Hooray!"</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_15'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>IV.<br />THAT OF CAPTAIN ARCHIBALD McKAN.</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>There never lived a worthier man</div>
-      <div class='line'>Than Captain Archibald McKan.</div>
-      <div class='line'>I knew him well some time ago</div>
-      <div class='line'>(I speak of twenty years or so);</div>
-      <div class='line'><i>Sans peur et sans reproche</i> was he;</div>
-      <div class='line'>He was the soul of chivalry,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Was Captain Archibald McKan.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>True greatness showed in all his mien,</div>
-      <div class='line'>No haughty pride in him was seen,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Though, captain of a steamer, he,</div>
-      <div class='line'>From Greenwich unto far Chelsea,</div>
-      <div class='line'>That, spite of weather, wind, and tide,</div>
-      <div class='line'>From early Spring to Autumn plied,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Brave, modest Captain A. McKan.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_16'></a>However sternly might his roar</div>
-      <div class='line'>Reverberate from shore to shore</div>
-      <div class='line'>Of "Ease her! Back her! Hard astern!"</div>
-      <div class='line'>His duty done, with smile he'd turn</div>
-      <div class='line'>And be most affable and mild</div>
-      <div class='line'>To every woman, man, or child</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Aboard, would Captain A. McKan.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_022.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>He reassured the anxious fears</div>
-      <div class='line'>Of nervous ladies—pretty dears!—</div>
-      <div class='line'>He in his pocket carried toys</div>
-      <div class='line'>And sweets for little girls and boys;</div>
-      <div class='line'>He talked in quite familiar way</div>
-      <div class='line'>With men who voyaged day by day,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Did Captain Archibald McKan.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_17'></a>In fact, as I've already said,</div>
-      <div class='line'>No man alive—or even dead—</div>
-      <div class='line'>Was freer from reproach than he;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And yet of Fortune's irony</div>
-      <div class='line'>(Though such a very decent sort)</div>
-      <div class='line'>This worthy man was e'en the sport.</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Alas! was Captain A. McKan!</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"<i>Cherchez la femme.</i>" The phrase is trite,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Yet here, as usual, 'twas right.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Our Captain noted every day</div>
-      <div class='line'>A certain girl rode all the way</div>
-      <div class='line'>From Greenwich Pier to Wapping Stair.</div>
-      <div class='line'>"It <i>cannot</i> be to take the air,"</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Thought Captain Archibald McKan.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>She calmly sat, with downcast eye;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And looking both demure and shy;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Yet, once, he caught a roving glance,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Which made his pulses wildly dance;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And,—though as modest as could be—</div>
-      <div class='line'>"I do believe she's gone on me,"</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Considered Captain A. McKan.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_18'></a>"Why else should she persistently</div>
-      <div class='line'>Select <i>my</i> boat alone?" thought he;</div>
-      <div class='line'>"I <i>wonder</i> why she comes? I'll ask,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Though 'tis a very ticklish task."</div>
-      <div class='line'>So, walking forward with a smile,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Beside the lass he stood awhile,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Then coughed, did Captain A. McKan.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_024.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"You're frequently aboard my boat,"</div>
-      <div class='line'>Began he; "she's the best afloat;</div>
-      <div class='line'>But, pray, may I enquire, <i>do</i> you</div>
-      <div class='line'>So <i>very</i> much admire the view?"</div>
-      <div class='line'>"Er—moderately, sir," said she.</div>
-      <div class='line'>"Exactly so! It <i>must</i> be <i>me</i>!"</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Decided Captain A. McKan.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_19'></a>"Come, tell me, Miss, now no one's by,"</div>
-      <div class='line'>He whispered; "Won't you tell me why</div>
-      <div class='line'>You come so oft? There's naught to dread."</div>
-      <div class='line'>The lady looked surprised, and said:</div>
-      <div class='line'>"My husband works at Wapping Stair,</div>
-      <div class='line'>I daily take his dinner there."</div>
-      <div class='line in4'><i>Poor</i> Captain Archibald McKan!</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_20'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>V.<br />THAT OF MATILDA.</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Yes, I love you, dear Matilda,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>But you may not be my bride,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And the obstacles are many</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Which have caused me to decide.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Firstly, what is <i>most</i> annoying,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And I'm not above confessing,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Is, that I think you indolent,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And over-fond of dressing.</div>
-      <div class='line'>I've known you spend an hour or two</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In a-sitting on a chair,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And a-fussing and attending</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To your toilet or your hair.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_21'></a>There's another little matter—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>You may say a simple thing—</div>
-      <div class='line'>Yet, Matilda, I must own it,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>I object to hear you sing.</div>
-      <div class='line'>For the sounds you make in singing</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Are so <i>very</i> much like squalling,</div>
-      <div class='line'>That the only term appropriate</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To them is caterwauling.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Indeed, I've never <i>heard</i> such horrid</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Noises in my life,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And I'd <i>certainly</i> not tolerate</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Such singing in a wife.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>And, Matilda dear, your language!</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>It is really <i>very</i> bad;</div>
-      <div class='line'>The expressions which you use at times,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>They make me feel quite sad.</div>
-      <div class='line'>It is very, very shocking,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>But I do not mind declaring</div>
-      <div class='line'>That I've heard some sounds proceeding</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>From your lips so much like swearing,</div>
-      <div class='line'>That I've had to raise a finger,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And to close at least <i>one</i> ear,</div>
-      <div class='line'>For I couldn't feel quite certain</div>
-      <div class='line in2'><i>What</i> bad words I mightn't hear.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id005'>
-<a id='Page_22'></a><img src='images/i_028.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>But worse than this, Matilda:</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>I hear, with pious grief,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Many rumours that Matilda</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Is no better than a thief</div>
-      <div class='line'>And I'm shocked to find my darling</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>So entirely lost to feeling,</div>
-      <div class='line'>As to go and give her mind up</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Unto picking and a-stealing.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Oh, Matilda! pray take warning,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>For a prison cell doth yearn</div>
-      <div class='line'>For a person that appropriates</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And takes what isn't her'n.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_23'></a>And the culminating blow is this:</div>
-      <div class='line in2'><i>You stay out late at night</i>.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Now, Matilda dear, you must confess</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To do this is <i>not</i> right.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Where you go to, dear, or what you do,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>There really is <i>no</i> telling,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And with rage and indignation</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>My fond foolish heart is swelling.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Yet the faults which I've enumera-</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Ted can't be wondered at,</div>
-      <div class='line'>When one realises clearly</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>That "Matilda"—is a <i>cat</i>.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id006'>
-<a id='Page_24'></a><img src='images/i_030.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_25'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>VI.<br />THAT OF "DOCTHOR" PATRICK O'DOOLEY.</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>In the South Pacific Ocean</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In an oiland called Koodoo,</div>
-      <div class='line'>An' the monarch ov thot oiland</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Iz King Hulla-bulla-loo.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Oi wuz docthor to thot monarch</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Wonct. Me name iz Pat O'Dooley.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Yis, you're roight. Oi come from Oirland,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>From the County Ballyhooly.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>An' Oi'll tell yez how Oi came to be</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A docthor in Koodoo;</div>
-      <div class='line'>May the Divil burn the ind ov me,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>If ivery word's not thrue.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Oi wuz sailin' to Ameriky,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Aboard the "Hilly Haully,"</div>
-      <div class='line'>Which wuz drounded in the ocean,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>For the toime ov year wuz squally.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_26'></a>An' Oi floated on a raft, sor,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>For some twinty days or more,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Till Oi cum to Koodoo Island,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Phwich Oi'd niver seen before.</div>
-      <div class='line'>But the natives ov thot counthry,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Sure, would take a lot ov batin',</div>
-      <div class='line'>For a foine young sthrappin' feller</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>They think moighty pleasint atin'.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_032.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>An' they wint an' told the King, sor,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Him called Hulla-bulla-loo.</div>
-      <div class='line'>"Ye come from Oirland, sor?" sez he.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"Bedad!" sez Oi, "thot's true."</div>
-      <div class='line'>Thin he whispered to the cook, sor;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>An' the cook he giv me warnin':</div>
-      <div class='line'>"It's Oirish <i>stew</i> you'll be," sez he,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"To-morrow, come the marnin'."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_27'></a>But to-morrow, be the Powers, sor,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The King wuz moighty bad,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Wid most odjus pains insoide him,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>An' they nearly drove him mad;</div>
-      <div class='line'>So he sint a little note, sor,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>By the cook, apologoizin'</div>
-      <div class='line'>For not cooking me that day, sor,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Wid politeness most surprisin'!</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>An' Oi wrote him back a letther,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Jist expressin' my regret,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Thot Oi shouldn't hiv the honor,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Sor, ov bein' cooked an' et;</div>
-      <div class='line'>An' Oi indid up the letther</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Wid a midical expresshin,</div>
-      <div class='line'>As would lead him to imagine</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Oi belonged to the professhin.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_28'></a>Och! he sint for me <i>at wonct</i>, sor.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"If ye'll <i>only</i> save me loife,"</div>
-      <div class='line'>Sez he, "Oi'll give yez money,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>An' a most attractive woife,</div>
-      <div class='line'>An' ye won't be in the <i>menu</i></div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Ov me little dinner party</div>
-      <div class='line'>If ye'll only pull me round," sez he,</div>
-      <div class='line'>"An' make me sthrong an' hearty."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>So Oi made a diagnosis</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Wid my penknife an' some sthring</div>
-      <div class='line'>(Though Oi hadn't got a notion</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>How they made the blessid thing;</div>
-      <div class='line'>But Oi knew thot docthors did it</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Phwen they undertook a case, sor),</div>
-      <div class='line'>An' Oi saw his pulse, an' filt his tongue,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>An' pulled a sarious face, sor.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Thin Oi troied a bit ov blarney.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"Plaze, yer gracious Madjisty,</div>
-      <div class='line'>It's yer brains iz much too big, sor,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>For yer cranium, ye see."</div>
-      <div class='line'>But the King he looked suspicious,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>An' he giv a moighty frown, sor.</div>
-      <div class='line'>"The pain's not there at all," sez he,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"<i>The pain is further down</i>, sor."</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_29'></a>"Oi'm commin', sor, to thot," sez Oi.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"Lie quiet, sor, an' still,</div>
-      <div class='line'>While Oi go an' make yer Madjisty</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Me cilebratid pill."</div>
-      <div class='line'>In the pocket ov me jacket</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Oi had found an old ship's biscuit</div>
-      <div class='line'>("An' Oi think," sez Oi, "'twill do," sez Oi,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"At any rate Oi'll risk it").</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_035.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_30'></a>The biscuit it wuz soft an' black</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>By raisin ov the wet,</div>
-      <div class='line'>An' it made the foinist pill, sor,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Thot Oi've iver seen as yet;</div>
-      <div class='line'>It wuz flavoured rayther sthrongly</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Wid salt wather an' tobaccy,</div>
-      <div class='line'>But, be jabers, sor, it did the thrick,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>An' <i>cured</i> the blissid blackie!</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>The King wuz as deloighted,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>An' as grateful as could be,</div>
-      <div class='line'>An' he got devorced from all his woives,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>An' giv <i>the lot</i> to me;</div>
-      <div class='line'>But a steamer, passin' handy,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Wuz more plazin' to "yours trooly,"</div>
-      <div class='line'>An' among the passingers aboard</div>
-      <div class='line'>Wuz the "Docthor",—Pat O'Dooley.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_31'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>VII.<br />THAT OF MY AUNT BETSY.</h2>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_037.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>You may have met, when walking out</div>
-      <div class='line in1'>or thereabout,</div>
-      <div class='line'>A lady (angular and plain)</div>
-      <div class='line'>Escorted by an ancient swain,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Or, possibly, by two,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Each leading by a piece of string</div>
-      <div class='line'>A lazy, fat, and pampered thing</div>
-      <div class='line'>Supposed to be a dog. You may,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Perhaps, have noticed them, I say,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And, if so, thought, "They do</div>
-      <div class='line'>Present unto the public gaze</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A singular appearance—very."</div>
-      <div class='line'>That lady, doubtless, was my aunt,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Miss Betsy Jane Priscilla Perry.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_32'></a>The gentleman—or gentle<i>men</i>—</div>
-      <div class='line'>Attending her were Captain Venne</div>
-      <div class='line'>And Major Alec Stubbs. These two</div>
-      <div class='line'>For many years had sought to woo</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>My maiden aunt, Miss P.,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Who never <i>could</i> make up her mind</div>
-      <div class='line'>Which one to marry, so was kind</div>
-      <div class='line'>To one or other—each in turn—</div>
-      <div class='line'>Thus causing jealous pangs to burn.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>I incidentally</div>
-      <div class='line'>Should mention here the quadrupeds—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Respectively called "Popsey Petsey,"—</div>
-      <div class='line'>A mongrel pug;—and "Baby Heart,"—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A poodle—both belonged to Betsy.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_33'></a>You'd notice Captain Venne was tall,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And Major Stubbs compact and small;</div>
-      <div class='line'>These two on nought could e'er agree,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Except in this—they hated me,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Sole nephew to Aunt Bess.</div>
-      <div class='line'>My aunt was very wealthy, and</div>
-      <div class='line'>I think you'll quickly understand</div>
-      <div class='line'>The situation, when I say</div>
-      <div class='line'>That Captain Venne was on half-pay,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And Major Stubbs on <i>less</i>.</div>
-      <div class='line'>To me it was so very plain</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And evident, I thought it funny</div>
-      <div class='line'>My aunt should never, never see</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>They wanted, not her, but her money.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>And Stubbs and Venne they did arrange</div>
-      <div class='line'>A plan, intended to estrange</div>
-      <div class='line'>My aunt and me. They told her lies;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And one day, to my great surprise,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A letter came for me.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Requesting me to "call at six,"</div>
-      <div class='line'>For aunt had "heard of all the tricks</div>
-      <div class='line'>I had been up to," and "was sad</div>
-      <div class='line'>At hearing an account so bad."</div>
-      <div class='line in1'>I went—in time for tea.</div>
-      <div class='line'>My aunt was looking so severe</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>I felt confused, a perfect noodle</div>
-      <div class='line'>While Major Stubbs caressed the pug,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And Captain Venne he nursed the poodle.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<a id='Page_34'></a><img src='images/i_040.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"Dear Major Stubbs," my aunt began,</div>
-      <div class='line'>"Has told me all—quite all he <i>can</i>—</div>
-      <div class='line'>Of your sad goings on. Oh, fie!</div>
-      <div class='line'>Where will you go to when you die,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>You naughty wicked boy?"</div>
-      <div class='line'>And Captain Venne has told me too</div>
-      <div class='line'>What <i>very</i> dreadful things you do.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Of course I cannot but believe</div>
-      <div class='line'>My two dear friends. <i>They'd</i> not deceive,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Nor characters destroy,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Without a cause. Go, leave me now,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>You'll see my purpose shall not falter</div>
-      <div class='line'>I'll send at once for Lawyer Slymm,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>My latest will to bring and alter."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_35'></a>I fear I lost my temper—quite;</div>
-      <div class='line'><i>I know</i> I said what wasn't right;</div>
-      <div class='line'>You see, I felt it hard to bear</div>
-      <div class='line'>(And really, I contend, unfair),</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To be misjudged like this.</div>
-      <div class='line'>I tried to argue, but 'twas vain,</div>
-      <div class='line'>"My mind is fixed—my way is plain,"</div>
-      <div class='line'>My aunt declared. "Then hear me now!"</div>
-      <div class='line'>I hotly cried, "There's naught, I vow,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To cause you to dismiss</div>
-      <div class='line'>Your nephew thus, but, as you please.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And if, perchance, you wish to do it,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Your money leave to your two friends;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>They want it, and—they're welcome to it."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_36'></a>I hurried out. I slammed the door.</div>
-      <div class='line'>I vowed I'd never call there more.</div>
-      <div class='line'>And neither did I, in my pride,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Till six weeks since, when poor aunt died,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And then, from Lawyer Slymm</div>
-      <div class='line'>I got a little note, which said:</div>
-      <div class='line'>"The will on Tuesday will be read."</div>
-      <div class='line'>I went, and found that "Baby Heart"</div>
-      <div class='line'>From Captain Venne must ne'er depart—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>She had been left to him;</div>
-      <div class='line'>While "Popsey Petsey" Major Stubbs</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Received as his sole legacy</div>
-      <div class='line'>And that was all. The money—oh!</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The money—that was left to <i>me</i>.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_37'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>VIII.<br />THAT OF THE TUCK-SHOP WOMAN.</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Of all the schools throughout the land</div>
-      <div class='line'>St. Vedast's is the oldest, and</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>All men are proud</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>(And justly proud)</div>
-      <div class='line'>Who claim St. Vedast's as their <i>Al-</i></div>
-      <div class='line'><i>Ma mater</i>. There I went a cal-</div>
-      <div class='line'>Low youth. Don't think I'm going to paint</div>
-      <div class='line'>The glories of this school—I ain't.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>The Rev. Cecil Rowe, M.A.,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Was classics Master in my day,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>A learned man</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>(A worthy man)</div>
-      <div class='line'>In fact you'd very rarely see</div>
-      <div class='line'>A much more clever man than he.</div>
-      <div class='line'>But if you think you'll hear a lot</div>
-      <div class='line'>About this person,—you will not.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_38'></a>The porter was a man named Clarke;</div>
-      <div class='line'>We boys considered it a lark</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>To play him tricks</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>(The usual tricks</div>
-      <div class='line'>Boys play at public schools like this),</div>
-      <div class='line'>And Clarke would sometimes take amiss</div>
-      <div class='line'>These tricks. But don't think I would go</div>
-      <div class='line'>And only sing of him. Oh, no!</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>This ditty, I would beg to state,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Professes likewise to relate</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>The latter words</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>(The solemn words)</div>
-      <div class='line'>Of her who kept the tuck-shop at</div>
-      <div class='line'>St. Vedast's. I'd inform you that</div>
-      <div class='line'>The porter was her only son</div>
-      <div class='line'>(The reason was—she had but one).</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>For many years the worthy soul</div>
-      <div class='line'>Had kept the shop—the well-loved goal</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Of little boys</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>(And larger boys)</div>
-      <div class='line'>Who bought the tarts, and ginger pop</div>
-      <div class='line'>And other things sold at her shop—</div>
-      <div class='line'>But, feebler growing year by year,</div>
-      <div class='line'>She felt her end was drawing near.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<a id='Page_39'></a><img src='images/i_045.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>She therefore bade her son attend,</div>
-      <div class='line'>That she might whisper, ere her end,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>A startling tale</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>(A secret tale)</div>
-      <div class='line'>That on her happiness had preyed,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And heavy on her conscience weighed</div>
-      <div class='line'>For many a year. "Alas! my son,"</div>
-      <div class='line'>She sighed, "injustice has been done.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_40'></a>"Let not your bitter anger rise,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Nor gaze with sad reproachful eyes</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>On one who's been</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>(You <i>know</i> I've been)</div>
-      <div class='line'>For many years your mother, dear;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And though you think my story queer,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Believe—or I shall feel distressed—</div>
-      <div class='line'>I <i>thought</i> I acted for the best.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"When you were but a tiny boy</div>
-      <div class='line'>(Your mother's and your father's joy),</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Good Mr. Rowe</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>(The Revd. Rowe)</div>
-      <div class='line'>Was but a little baby too,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Who very much resembled you,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And, being poorly off in purse,</div>
-      <div class='line'>I took this baby out to nurse.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_046.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_41'></a>"Alike in features and in size—</div>
-      <div class='line'>So like, indeed, the keenest eyes</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Would find it hard</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>(Extremely hard)</div>
-      <div class='line'>To tell the t'other from the one——"</div>
-      <div class='line'>"Hold! though your tale is but begun,"</div>
-      <div class='line'>The porter cried, "a man may guess</div>
-      <div class='line'>The secret of your keen distress.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"You changed the babes at nurse, and I</div>
-      <div class='line'>(No wonder that you weep and sigh),</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Tho' callèd Clarke</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>(School Porter Clarke),</div>
-      <div class='line'>Am <i>really</i> Mr. Rowe. I see.</div>
-      <div class='line'>And he, of course, poor man, is <i>me</i>,</div>
-      <div class='line'>While all the fortune he has known</div>
-      <div class='line'>Through these long years should be my own.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_42'></a>"Oh falsely, falsely, have you done</div>
-      <div class='line'>To call me all this time your son;</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>I've always felt</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>(Distinctly felt)</div>
-      <div class='line'>That I was born to better things</div>
-      <div class='line'>Than portering, and such-like, brings,</div>
-      <div class='line'>I'll hurry now, and tell poor Rowe</div>
-      <div class='line'>What, doubtless, he will feel a blow."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"Stay! stay!" the woman cried, "'tis true,</div>
-      <div class='line'>My poor ill-treated boy, that you</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Have every right</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>(Undoubted right)</div>
-      <div class='line'>To feel aggrieved. I <i>had</i> the chance</div>
-      <div class='line'>Your future welfare to advance</div>
-      <div class='line'>By changing babes. I knew I'd rue it,</div>
-      <div class='line'>My poor boy—but—<i>I didn't do it</i>."</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_43'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>IX.<br />THAT OF S. P. IDERS WEBBE, SOLICITOR.</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Young Mr. S. P. Iders Webbe,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Solicitor, of Clifford's Inn,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Sat working in his chambers, which</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Were far removed from traffic's din.</div>
-      <div class='line'>To those in legal trouble he</div>
-      <div class='line'>Lent ready ear of sympathy—</div>
-      <div class='line'>And six-and-eightpence was his fee.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>To widows and to orphans, too,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Young Mr. Webbe was very nice,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And turned none from his door away</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Who came to seek for his advice:</div>
-      <div class='line'>To these, I humbly beg to state—</div>
-      <div class='line'>The sad and the disconsolate—</div>
-      <div class='line'>His fee was merely six-and-eight.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>He'd heave a sympathetic sigh,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And squeeze each bankrupt client's hand</div>
-      <div class='line'>While listening to a tale of woe</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Salt tears within his eyes would stand.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Naught, naught his sympathies could stem,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And he would only charge—ahem!—</div>
-      <div class='line'>A paltry six-and-eight to <i>them</i>.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_44'></a>This gentleman, as I observed,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Was calmly seated at his work,</div>
-      <div class='line'>When, from the waiting-room, a card</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Was brought in by the junior clerk.</div>
-      <div class='line'>"Nathaniel Blobbs? Pray ask him to</div>
-      <div class='line'>Step in," said Webbe. "How do you do?</div>
-      <div class='line'>A very pleasant day to you."</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_050.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_45'></a>"A pleasant day be hanged!" said Blobbs,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A wealthy man and very stout</div>
-      <div class='line'>(That he was boiling o'er with rage</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>There could not be the slightest doubt).</div>
-      <div class='line'>"I'm given, sir, to understand</div>
-      <div class='line'>You're suitor for my daughter's hand.</div>
-      <div class='line'>An explanation I demand!</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"I <i>know</i> your lawyer's tricks, my man;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In courting of my daughter Jane—</div>
-      <div class='line'>Who's rather plain and not too young—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'><i>My</i> money's what <i>you</i> seek to gain.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Confound you, sir!" the man did roar.</div>
-      <div class='line'>"My daughter Jane is no match for</div>
-      <div class='line'>A beggarly solicitor!"</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>At words like these <i>most</i> gentlemen</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Would really have been somewhat riled;</div>
-      <div class='line'>But do not think that Mr. Webbe</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Was angry. No; he merely <i>smiled</i>.</div>
-      <div class='line'>But, oh! my friends, the legal smile</div>
-      <div class='line'>Is not to trust. 'Tis full of guile.</div>
-      <div class='line'>(<i>So</i> smiles the hungry crocodile.)</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_46'></a>"I see," Webbe most politely said,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"My worthy sir, <i>your</i> point of view.</div>
-      <div class='line'>You're wealthy; I am poor. Of course,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>What I proposed would never do.</div>
-      <div class='line'>If only, now, I'd property,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And <i>you</i> were—well, as poor as <i>me</i>——"</div>
-      <div class='line'>"Pooh! that," cried Blobbs, "can <i>never</i> be."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"Think not?" said Webbe. "Well, p'r'aps you're right.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And so—there's nothing more to say.</div>
-      <div class='line'>You <i>must</i> be going? What! so soon?</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>I'm <i>sorry</i>, sir, you cannot stay!"</div>
-      <div class='line'>Blobbs went—and slammed the outer door.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Webbe calmly made the bill out for</div>
-      <div class='line'>The interview—a lengthy score.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>He charged—at highest legal rate—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>For every word he'd uttered; and</div>
-      <div class='line'>He even put down six-and-eight</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"To asking for Miss Blobbs's hand";</div>
-      <div class='line'>Next, in the Court of Common Pleas</div>
-      <div class='line'>A "Breach of Promise" case, with ease,</div>
-      <div class='line'>He instituted—if you please.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_47'></a>He gained the day, because the maid</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Was over age, the Judge averred,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And Blobbs was forced to "grin and pay,"</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Although he vowed 'twas <i>most</i> absurd.</div>
-      <div class='line'>The "damages," of course, were slight;</div>
-      <div class='line'>But "legal costs" by no means light.</div>
-      <div class='line'>(Webbe shared in these as was his right.)</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Outside the Court indignant Blobbs</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Gave vent to some expressions which</div>
-      <div class='line'>Were libellous, and quickly Webbe</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Was "down on him" for "using sich."</div>
-      <div class='line'>Once more the day was Webbe's, and he,</div>
-      <div class='line'>By posing as a damagee,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Obtained a thousand pounds, you see.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>With this round sum he then contrived</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To buy a vacant small estate</div>
-      <div class='line'>Adjoining Blobbs, who went and did</div>
-      <div class='line in2'><i>Something</i> illegal with a gate.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Webbe "had him up" for <i>that</i>, of course;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Then something else (about a horse),</div>
-      <div class='line'>And later on a water-course.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_48'></a>He sued for this, he sued for that,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Till action upon action lay,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And in the Royal Courts of Law</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"Webbe <i>versus</i> Blobbs" came on each day.</div>
-      <div class='line'>"Law costs" and big "retaining fees,"</div>
-      <div class='line'>"Mulcted in fines"—such things as these</div>
-      <div class='line'>Made Blobbs feel very ill at ease.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>As Webbe grew rich, so he grew poor,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Till finally he said: "Hang pride!</div>
-      <div class='line'>I'll let this fellow, if he must,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Have Jane, my daughter, for his bride."</div>
-      <div class='line'>He went once more to Clifford's Inn.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Webbe welcomed him with genial grin:</div>
-      <div class='line'>"My <i>very</i> dear sir, pray step in."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"Look here!" cried Blobbs. "I'll fight no more!</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>You lawyer fellows, on my life,</div>
-      <div class='line'><i>Will</i> have your way. I must give in.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>My daughter Jane <i>shall</i> be your wife!"</div>
-      <div class='line'>"Dear me! this <i>is</i> unfortunate,"</div>
-      <div class='line'>Said Webbe. "I much regret to state</div>
-      <div class='line'>Your condescension comes too late.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_49'></a>"For, sir, I marry this day week</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>(Being a man of property)</div>
-      <div class='line'>The young and lovely daughter of</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Sir Simon Upperten, M.P."</div>
-      <div class='line'>Then, in a light and airy way:</div>
-      <div class='line'>"I think there's nothing more to say.</div>
-      <div class='line'><i>Pray</i>, mind the bottom step. <i>Good</i> day!"</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_055.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_50'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>X.<br />THAT OF MONSIEUR ALPHONSE VERT.</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Your Mistair Rudyar' Kipling say</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Ze cricquette man is "flannel fool."</div>
-      <div class='line'><i>Ah! oui! Très bon!</i> I say so too,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Since Mastair Jack, <i>enfant</i> at school,</div>
-      <div class='line'>He show me how to play ze same.</div>
-      <div class='line'>I like it not—ze cricquette game.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>My name is Monsieur Alphonse Vert</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>(You call him in ze English "Green");</div>
-      <div class='line'>I go to learn ze English tongue,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And lodge myself at Ealing Dean</div>
-      <div class='line'>In family of Mistair Brown,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Who has <i>affaire</i> each day "in town."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Miss Angelina Brown she is</div>
-      <div class='line in2'><i>Très charmante</i>—what you call "so pretty";</div>
-      <div class='line'>I walk and talk wiz her sometimes</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>When Mr. Brown go to ze City;</div>
-      <div class='line'>I fall in love (pardon zese tears)</div>
-      <div class='line'>All over head, all over ears.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_51'></a>I buy her books, and flowers (<i>bouquet</i>),</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And tickets for <i>la matinée</i>,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And to ze cricquette match we go,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'><i>Hélas!</i> upon one Saturday.</div>
-      <div class='line'>To me she speak zere not at all.</div>
-      <div class='line'>But watch ze men, and watch ze ball.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Ze cricquette men zey run, zey bat,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Zey throw ze ball, zey catch, zey shout;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And Angelina clap her hands.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Vot for, I know not, all about,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And in myself I say "<i>Ah! oui!</i></div>
-      <div class='line'>I <i>too</i> a cricquette man shall be."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>To Angelina's brother Jack</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>(His name is also Mastair Brown)</div>
-      <div class='line'>I say, "Come, teach me cricquette match,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And I will give you half-a-crown."</div>
-      <div class='line'>Jack say, "My eye!" (in French <i>mes yeux</i>)<a id='r1' /><a href='#f1' class='c009'><sup>[1]</sup></a></div>
-      <div class='line'>"Oh! what a treat!" (in French <i>c'est beau</i>).</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>After, to Ealing Common we</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Go out, with "wicquette" and with "ball,"</div>
-      <div class='line'>And what Jack calls a "cricquette-bat."</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>(Zese tings I do not know at all;</div>
-      <div class='line'>But Angelina I would catch,</div>
-      <div class='line'>So "<i>Allons! Vive la cricquette match!</i>")</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_058.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>I hold ze "bat," Jack hold ze "ball."</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"Now zen! Look out!" I hear him cry.</div>
-      <div class='line'>I drop ze "bat," I look about;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Ze ball—he hit me in ze eye."</div>
-      <div class='line'>I cry, "<i>Parbleu!</i>" Ze stars I see.</div>
-      <div class='line'>I think it is "all up" wiz me.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>I try again. Ze "ball" is hard.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>I catch him two times—on ze nose.</div>
-      <div class='line'>I run, I fall, I hurt my arm,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>I spoil my new white flannel clothes,</div>
-      <div class='line'>In every part I'm bruised and sore,</div>
-      <div class='line'>So cricquette match I play no more.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_059.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>I change my clothes, I patch my eye,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>I tie my nose up in a sling,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And to Miss Angelina Brown</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Myself and all my woes I bring.</div>
-      <div class='line'>"Ah, see," I cry, "how love can make</div>
-      <div class='line'>Alphonse a hero for thy sake."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>But Angelina laugh and laugh,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And say, "I know it isn't right</div>
-      <div class='line'>To laugh; but you must please forgive</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Me. You look <i>such</i> a fright!"</div>
-      <div class='line'>And next day Jack say, "I say, Bones,</div>
-      <div class='line'>My sister's going to marry Jones."</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='footnote' id='f1'>
-<p class='c010'><span class='label'><a href='#r1'>1</a>.&nbsp;&nbsp;</span>Frenchmen could never make these two words rhyme—but Englishmen can.</p>
-
-<p class='c010'>I've heard 'em. G. E. F.</p>
-</div>
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_55'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>XI.<br />THAT OF LORD WILLIAM OF PURLEIGH.</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Lord William of Purleigh retired for the night</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>With a mind full of worry and trouble,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Which was caused by an income uncommonly slight,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And expenses uncommonly double.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Now the same sort of thing often happens, to me—</div>
-      <div class='line'>And perhaps to yourself—for most singularlee</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>One's accounts—if one keeps 'em—will never come right,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>If, of "moneys received," one spends double.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>His lordship had gone rather early to bed,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And for several hours had been sleeping,</div>
-      <div class='line'>When he suddenly woke—and the hair on his head</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Slowly rose—he could hear someone creeping</div>
-      <div class='line'>About in his room, in the dead of the night,</div>
-      <div class='line'>With a lantern, which showed but a glimmer of light,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And his impulse, at first, was to cover his head</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>When he heard that there burglar a-creeping.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_56'></a>But presently thinking "Poor fellow, there's naught</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In the house worth a burglar a-taking,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And, being a kind-hearted lord, p'r'aps I ought,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To explain the mistake he's a-making."</div>
-      <div class='line'>Lord William, then still in his woolly night-cap</div>
-      <div class='line'>(For appearances noblemen don't care a rap),</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>His second-best dressing-gown hastily sought,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And got up without any noise making.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_062.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"I'm exceedingly sorry," his lordship began,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"But your visit, I fear, will be fruitless.</div>
-      <div class='line'>I possess neither money, nor jewels, my man,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>So your burglaring here will be bootless.</div>
-      <div class='line'>The burglar was startled, but kept a cool head,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And bowed, as his lordship, continuing, said:</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"Excuse me a moment. I'll find if I can</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>My warm slippers, for I <i>too</i> am bootless."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_57'></a>This pleasantry put them both quite at their ease;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>They discoursed of De Wet, and of Tupper.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Then the household his lordship aroused, if you please,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And invited the burglar to supper.</div>
-      <div class='line'>The burglar told tales of his hardly-won wealth,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And each drank to the other one's jolly good health.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>There's a charm about informal parties like these,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And it was a most excellent supper.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Then the lord told the burglar how poor he'd become,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And of all which occasioned his lordship distress;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And the burglar—who wasn't hard-hearted like some—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>His sympathy ventured thereat to express:</div>
-      <div class='line'>"I've some thoughts in my mind, if I might be so bold</div>
-      <div class='line'>As to mention them, but—no—they mustn't be told.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>They are hopes which, perhaps, I might talk of to some,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>But which to a lord—no, I dare not express."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_58'></a>"Pooh! Nonsense!" his lordship cried, "Out with it, man!</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>What is it, my friend, that you wish to suggest?</div>
-      <div class='line'>Rely upon me. I will do what I can.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Come! Let us see what's to be done for the best."</div>
-      <div class='line'>"I've a daughter," the burglar remarked with a sigh.</div>
-      <div class='line'>"The apple is she, so to speak, of my eye,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And she wishes to marry a lord, if she can—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And of all that I know—why, your lordship's the best.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_064.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"I am wealthy," the burglar continued, "you see,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And her fortune will really be ample:</div>
-      <div class='line'>I have given her every advantage, and she</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Is a person quite up to your sample."</div>
-      <div class='line'>Lord William, at first, was inclined to look glum,</div>
-      <div class='line'>But, on thinking it over, remarked: "I will come</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In the morning, to-morrow, the lady to see</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>If indeed she <i>is</i> up to the sample."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_59'></a>On the morrow he called, and the lady he saw,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And he found her both charming and witty;</div>
-      <div class='line'>So he married her, though for a father-in-law</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He'd a burglar, which p'r'aps was a pity.</div>
-      <div class='line'>However, she made him an excellent wife,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And the burglar he settled a fortune for life</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>On the pair. What an excellent father-in-law!</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>On the whole, p'r'aps, it <i>wasn't</i> a pity.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_60'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>XII.<br />THAT OF PASHA ABDULLA BEY.</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Abdulla Bey—a Pasha—had</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A turn for joy and merriment:</div>
-      <div class='line'>You never caught <i>him</i> looking sad,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Nor glowering in discontent.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>His normal attitude was one</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Of calm, serene placidity;</div>
-      <div class='line'>His nature gay, and full of fun,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And free from all acidity.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>A trifling instance I'll relate</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Of Pasha Bey's urbanity,</div>
-      <div class='line'>The which will clearly indicate</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>His marvellous humanity.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>He had a dozen wives or so</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>(In him no immorality;</div>
-      <div class='line'>For Eastern custom, as you know,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Permits, of wives, plurality).</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_61'></a>Yes; quite a dozen wives—or more—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Abdulla had, and for a while</div>
-      <div class='line'>No sound was heard of strife or war</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Within Abdulla's domicile.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>But, oh! how rare it is to find</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A dozen ladies who'll consent</div>
-      <div class='line'>To think as with a single mind,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And live together in content.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Abdulla's wives—altho', no doubt,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>If taken individually,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Would never think of falling out,—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Collectively, could <i>not</i> agree.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>At first, in quite a playful way,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>They quarrelled—rather prettily;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Then cutting things contrived to say</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>About each other wittily;</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Then petty jealousies and sneers</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Began,—just feeble flickerings—</div>
-      <div class='line'>Which grew, alas! to bitter tears,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And fierce domestic bickerings.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_62'></a><i>You</i> never had a dozen wives—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Of course not—so you cannot know</div>
-      <div class='line'>The grave discomfort in their lives</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>These Pashas sometimes undergo.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Abdulla Bey, however, <i>he</i></div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Was not the one to be dismayed,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And doubtless you'll astounded be</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To hear what wisdom he displayed.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>He did not—as some would have done—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Seek angry ladies to coerce;</div>
-      <div class='line'>He did not use to any one</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Expressions impolite—or worse.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_068.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_63'></a>No, what he did was simply this:</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He stood those ladies in a row,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And said, "My dears, don't take amiss</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>What I'm about to say, you know.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"I find you cannot, like the birds,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Within your little nest agree,</div>
-      <div class='line'>So I'll unfold, in briefest words,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A plan which has occurred to me.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"These quarrellings, these manners lax,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In comfort means a loss for us,</div>
-      <div class='line'>So I must tie you up in sacks</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And throw you in the Bosphorus."</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_069.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_64'></a>He tied them up; he threw them in;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Then Pasha Bey, I beg to state,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Did <i>not</i> seek sympathy to win</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>By posing as disconsolate.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>He mourned a week; and then, they say</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>(A Pasha is, of course, a catch),</div>
-      <div class='line'>Our friend, the good Abdulla Bey,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Got married to another batch.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_65'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>XIII.<br />THAT OF ALGERNON CROKER.</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Permit me, and I will quite briefly relate</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The sad story of Algernon Croker.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Take warning, good friends, and beware of the fate</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Of this asinine practical joker,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Who early in life caused the keenest distress</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To his uncle, Sir Barnaby Tatton,</div>
-      <div class='line'>By affixing a pin in the form of an S</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To the chair which Sir Barnaby sat on.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>His uncle had often been heard to declare</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>That to make him his heir he was willing;</div>
-      <div class='line'>But the point of <i>this</i> joke made Sir Barnaby swear</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>That he'd cut the boy off with a shilling.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Their anger his parents took means to express,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Tho' I may not, of course, be exact on</div>
-      <div class='line'>The particular spot—though you'll probably guess—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>That young Croker was properly whacked on.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_66'></a>His pranks, when they presently sent him to school,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Resulted in endless disasters,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And final expulsion for playing the fool</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>(He made "apple-pie" beds for the masters).</div>
-      <div class='line'>Nor was he more fortunate later in life,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>When courting a lady at Woking;</div>
-      <div class='line'>For he failed to secure this sweet girl for his wife</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>On account of his practical joking.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_072.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>To her father—a person of eighteen-stone-two,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In a round-about coat and a topper—</div>
-      <div class='line'>He offered a seat; then the chair he withdrew,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And, of course, the old chap came a cropper.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Such conduct, the father exceedingly hurt,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And he wouldn't consent to the marriage;</div>
-      <div class='line'>So the daughter she married a person named Birt,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And she rides to this day in her carriage.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_67'></a>But these are mere trifles compared with the fate</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Which o'ertook him, and which I'm recalling,</div>
-      <div class='line'>When he ventured to joke with an old Potentate,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>With results which were simply appalling.</div>
-      <div class='line'>'Twas in some foreign country, far over the sea,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Where he held a small post ministerial</div>
-      <div class='line'>(An Ambassador, Consul, or <i>something</i> was he.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'><i>What</i> exactly is quite immaterial).</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>He told the old Potentate, much to his joy,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>That King Edward had sent him a present,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And handed a parcel up to the old boy,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>With a smile which was childlike and pleasant.</div>
-      <div class='line'>The Potentate he, at the deuce of a pace,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>At the string set to fumbling and maulin';</div>
-      <div class='line'>Then Croker laughed madly to see his blank face—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>For the package had nothing at all in.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_68'></a>The Potentate smiled—'twas a sad, sickly smile;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And he laughed—but the laughter was hollow.</div>
-      <div class='line'>"Ha! a capital joke. It doth greatly beguile;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>But," said he, "there is something to follow.</div>
-      <div class='line'>I, too, wish to play a small joke of my own,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>At the which I'm remarkably clever."</div>
-      <div class='line'>Then,—a man standing by, at a nod from the throne,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Croker's head from his body did sever.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_074.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_69'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>XIV.<br />THAT OF——?</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Phwat's thot yer afther sayin'—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Oi "don't look meself at all?"</div>
-      <div class='line'>Och, murder! sure ye've guessed it.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'><i>Whist!</i> Oi'm <i>not</i> meself at all,</div>
-      <div class='line'>But another man entoirly,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>An' Oi'd bether tell ye trooly</div>
-      <div class='line'>How ut iz Oi'm but <i>purtendin'</i></div>
-      <div class='line in2'>That Oi'm Mr. Pat O'Dooley.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Tim Finnegan an' me, sor,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Waz a-fightin ov the blacks</div>
-      <div class='line'>In hathen foreign parts, sor,</div>
-      <div class='line'>An' yer pardon Oi would ax</div>
-      <div class='line'>If Oi mention thot the customs</div>
-      <div class='line'>In them parts iz free an' aisy,</div>
-      <div class='line'>An' the costooms—bein' mostly beads—</div>
-      <div class='line'>Iz airy-loike an' braizy.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_70'></a>But them blacks iz good at fightin'</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>An' they captured me an' Tim;</div>
-      <div class='line'>An' they marched us back in triumph</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To their village—me an' him;</div>
-      <div class='line'>An' they didn't trate us badly,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>As Oi'm not above confessin',</div>
-      <div class='line'>Tho' their manners—as Oi said before—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>An' customs, waz disthressin'.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_076.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>So Oi set meself to teachin'</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The King's daughter to behave</div>
-      <div class='line'>As a perfect lady should do;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>An' Oi taught the King to shave;</div>
-      <div class='line'>An' Oi added to the lady's</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Scanty costoom by the prisent</div>
-      <div class='line'>Ov a waistcoat, which she thanked me for,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A-smilin' moighty plisent.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_71'></a>Now she wazn't bad to look at,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>An' she fell in love with me,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Which was awkward for all parties,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>As you prisently will see;</div>
-      <div class='line'>For on wan noight, when the village</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Waz all quiet-loike an' slapin',</div>
-      <div class='line'>The King's daughter to the hut, phwere</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Tim an' me lay, came a-crapin'.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>An' she whispered in my ear, sor:</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"Get up quick, an' come this way,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Oi'll assist ye in escapin',</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>If ye'll do just phwat Oi say."</div>
-      <div class='line'>An' she led me by the hand, sor;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>It waz dark, the rain was pourin'</div>
-      <div class='line'>An' we safely passed the huts, sor,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Phwere the sintrys waz a snorin'</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_72'></a>Then we ran, an' ran, an' ran, sor,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Through all the blessid noight,</div>
-      <div class='line'>An' waz many miles away, sor,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Before the day was loight.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Then the lady saw my features,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>An' she stopped an' started cryin',</div>
-      <div class='line'>For she found that <i>I</i> waz <i>Tim</i> instead</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Ov me, which waz <i>most</i> tryin'.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>In the hurry an' the scurry</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Ov the darkness, don't yez see,</div>
-      <div class='line'>She had made a big mistake,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'><i>An' rescued</i> him <i>instead ov</i> me—</div>
-      <div class='line'>An' to me it waz confusin'</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>An' most hard ov realizin';</div>
-      <div class='line'>For to find yerself <i>another</i> person,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Sor, iz most surprisin'.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>An' pwhen the lady left me,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>An' Oi'd got down to the shore</div>
-      <div class='line'>An' found a ship to take me home,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Oi puzzled more an' more,</div>
-      <div class='line'>For, ov course, the woife an' family</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Ov Finnegan's was moine, sor,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Tho' Oi didn't know the wan ov 'em</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>By hook, nor crook, nor soign, sor.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_73'></a>But Oi came to the decision</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>They belonged to me no doubt,</div>
-      <div class='line'>So directly Oi had landed</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Oi began to look about.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Tim Finnegan had told me</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>That he lived up in Killarn'y,</div>
-      <div class='line'>An' Oi found meself that far, somehow,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>By carnying an' blarney.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_079.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><i>An'</i> Oi found me woife an' family—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>But, ach! upon my loife</div>
-      <div class='line'>Oi waz greatly disappointed</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In my family an' woife,</div>
-      <div class='line'>For my woife was <i>not</i> a beauty,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>An' her temper wazn't cheerin'</div>
-      <div class='line'>While the family—onkindly—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>At their father took to jeerin'.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_74'></a>"Oi waz better off as Pat," thought Oi,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"Than Oi'll <i>iver</i> be as Tim.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Bedad! Oi'd better be <i>meself</i></div>
-      <div class='line in2'>An' lave off bein' him.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Oi won't stay here in Killarn'y,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Phwere they trate poor Tim so coolly,</div>
-      <div class='line'>But purtend to be meself agin</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In dear old Ballyhooley.'</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>So Oi came to Ballyhooley,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>An' Oi've niver told before</div>
-      <div class='line'>To anyone the story</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Oi've been tellin' to ye, sor,</div>
-      <div class='line'>An' it, all ov it, occurred, sor,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Just exactly as Oi state it,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Though, ov course, ye'll understand, sor,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Oi don't wish ye to repate it.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_75'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>XV.<br />THAT OF THE RIVAL HAIRDRESSERS.</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>In the fashionable quarter</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Of a fashionable town</div>
-      <div class='line'>Lived a fashionable barber,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And his name was Mister Brown.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Of hair, the most luxuriant,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>This person had a crop,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And—a—so had his assistants,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And—the boy who swept the shop.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>He had pleasant manners—very—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And his smile was very bland,</div>
-      <div class='line'>While his flow of conversation</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Was exceptionally grand.</div>
-      <div class='line'>The difficulty was that he</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Did <i>not</i> know when to stop;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Neither did his good assistants,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Nor—the boy who swept the shop.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_76'></a>He'd begin about the weather,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And remark the day was fine,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Or, perhaps, "it would be brighter</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>If the sun would only shine."</div>
-      <div class='line'>Or, he'd "noticed the barometer</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Had fallen with a flop;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And—a—so had his assistants,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And—the boy who swept the shop."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Then the news from all the papers</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>(Most of which you'd heard before)</div>
-      <div class='line'>He would enter into fully,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And the latest cricket score;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Or, political opinions,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He'd be pleased with you to swop;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And—a—so would his assistants,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Or—the boy who swept the shop.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_77'></a>At the Stock Exchange quotations</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Mister Brown was quite <i>au fait</i>,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And on betting, or "the fav'rit',"</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He would talk in knowing way;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Then into matters personal</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He'd occasionally drop,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And—a—so would his assistants,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Or—the boy who swept the shop.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_083.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>He'd recommend Macassar oil,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Or someone's brilliantine,</div>
-      <div class='line'>As "a remedy for baldness."</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>'Twas "the finest he had seen."</div>
-      <div class='line'>And he'd "noticed that your hair of late</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Was thinning on the top."</div>
-      <div class='line'>And—a—"so had his assistants,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And—the boy who swept the shop."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_78'></a>Now one day, nearly opposite,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Another barber came,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And opened an establishment</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>With quite another name.</div>
-      <div class='line'>And Brown looked out and wondered</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>If this man had come to stop.</div>
-      <div class='line'>And—a—so did his assistants,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And—the boy who swept the shop.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>But they didn't fear their neighbour,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>For the man seemed very meek.</div>
-      <div class='line'><i>He'd</i> no flow of conversation,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And looked half afraid to speak.</div>
-      <div class='line'>So Brown tittered at his rival</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>(Whose name happened to be Knopp);</div>
-      <div class='line'>And—a—so did his assistants,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And—the boy who swept the shop.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>But somehow unaccountably</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Brown's custom seemed to flow</div>
-      <div class='line'>In some mysterious sort of way</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To Knopp's. It <i>was</i> a blow.</div>
-      <div class='line'>And Brown looked very serious</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To see his profits drop.</div>
-      <div class='line'>And—a—so did his assistants</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And—the boy who swept the shop.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_79'></a>And I wondered, and I wondered</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Why this falling off should be,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And I thought one day I'd step across</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To Mister Knopp's to see.</div>
-      <div class='line'>I found him <i>very</i> busy</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>With—in fact—no time to stop,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And—a—so were <i>his</i> assistants.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And—the boy who swept <i>his</i> shop.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_085.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Mister Knopp was very silent,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>His assistants still as mice;</div>
-      <div class='line'><i>All</i> the customers were smiling,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And one whispered, "Ain't it nice?"</div>
-      <div class='line'>"Hey? You want to know the reason?</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Why, <i>deaf and dumb is Knopp</i>,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And—a—<i>so are his assistants,</i></div>
-      <div class='line in2'><i>And—the boy who sweeps the shop</i>."</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_80'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>XVI.<br />THAT OF THE AUCTIONEER'S DREAM.</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>I'll proceed to the narration</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Of a trifling episode</div>
-      <div class='line'>In the life of Mr. Platt,</div>
-      <div class='line in14'>An auctioneer,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Who was filled with jubilation</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And remarked: "Well, I'll be blowed!"—</div>
-      <div class='line'>An expression rather im-</div>
-      <div class='line in14'>Polite, I fear.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>But he dreamt he'd heard it stated</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>That, in future, auctioneers</div>
-      <div class='line'><i>Might include their near relations</i></div>
-      <div class='line in14'><i>In their sales</i>;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And he felt so much elated</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>That he broke out into cheers,</div>
-      <div class='line'>As one's apt to do when other</div>
-      <div class='line in14'>Language fails.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_81'></a>And he thought: "Dear me, I'd better</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Seize this opportunity</div>
-      <div class='line'>Of getting rid of ma-in-law,</div>
-      <div class='line in14'>And Jane—</div>
-      <div class='line'>(<i>'Twas his wife</i>)—I'll not regret her;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And, indeed, it seems to me</div>
-      <div class='line'>Such a chance may really not</div>
-      <div class='line in14'>Occur again.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"And, indeed, while I'm about it,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>I'll dispense with all the lot—</div>
-      <div class='line'>(O'er my family I've lately</div>
-      <div class='line in14'>Lost command)—</div>
-      <div class='line'>'Tis the best plan, never doubt it.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>I'll dispose of those I've got,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And, perhaps, I'll get some others</div>
-      <div class='line in14'>Second-hand."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>So his ma-in-law he offered</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>As the first lot in the sale,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And he knocked <i>her</i> down for two-</div>
-      <div class='line in14'>And-six, or less.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Then Mrs. Platt he proffered—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>She was looking rather pale;</div>
-      <div class='line'>But she fetched a good round sum,</div>
-      <div class='line in14'>I must confess.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_82'></a>Sister Ann was slightly damaged,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>But she went off pretty well</div>
-      <div class='line'>Considering her wooden leg,</div>
-      <div class='line in14'>And that;</div>
-      <div class='line'>But I can't think <i>how</i> he managed</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>His wife's grandmother to sell—</div>
-      <div class='line'>But he did it. It was very smart</div>
-      <div class='line in14'>Of Platt.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_088.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_83'></a>Several children, and the twins</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>(Lots from 9 to 22),</div>
-      <div class='line'>Fetched the auctioneer a tidy sum</div>
-      <div class='line in14'>Between 'em.</div>
-      <div class='line'>(One small boy had barked his shins,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And a twin had lost one shoe,</div>
-      <div class='line'>But they looked as well, Platt thought, as e'er</div>
-      <div class='line in14'>He'd seen 'em.)</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Then some nephews, and some nieces,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Sundry uncles, and an aunt,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Went off at figures which were</div>
-      <div class='line in14'>Most surprising.</div>
-      <div class='line'>And some odds and ends of pieces</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>(I <i>would</i> tell you, but I can't</div>
-      <div class='line'>Their relationship) fetched prices</div>
-      <div class='line in14'>Past surmising.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>It is quite enough to mention</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>That before the day was out</div>
-      <div class='line'><i>All</i> his relatives had gone</div>
-      <div class='line in14'>Without reserve.</div>
-      <div class='line'>This fell in with Platt's intention,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And he said: "Without a doubt,</div>
-      <div class='line'>I shall now as happy be</div>
-      <div class='line in14'>As I deserve."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_84'></a>But he <i>wasn't</i> very happy,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>For he soon began to miss</div>
-      <div class='line'>Mrs. Platt, his wife, and all</div>
-      <div class='line in14'>The little "P's."</div>
-      <div class='line'>And the servants made him snappy;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Home was anything but bliss;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And Mr. Platt was very</div>
-      <div class='line in14'>Ill at ease.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>So he calmly thought it over.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"On the whole, perhaps," said he,</div>
-      <div class='line'>I had better buy my fam-</div>
-      <div class='line in14'>Ily again,</div>
-      <div class='line'>For I find I'm not in clover,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Quite, without my Mrs. P.—</div>
-      <div class='line'>She was really not a bad sort,</div>
-      <div class='line in14'>Wasn't Jane."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>But the persons who had bought 'em</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Wouldn't part with 'em again.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Though Platt offered for their purchase</div>
-      <div class='line in14'>Untold gold.</div>
-      <div class='line'>For quite priceless now he thought 'em,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And, of course, could see quite plain</div>
-      <div class='line'>That in selling them he had himself</div>
-      <div class='line in14'>Been sold.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<a id='Page_85'></a><img src='images/i_091.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>And he thought, with agitation</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Of them lost for ever now,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And he said, "This thing has gone</div>
-      <div class='line in14'>Beyond a joke,"</div>
-      <div class='line'>While the beads of perspiration</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Gathered thickly on his brow;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And then Mr. Platt, the auctioneer—</div>
-      <div class='line in14'>Awoke.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_86'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>XVII.<br />THAT OF THE PLAIN COOK.</h2>
-</div>
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_092.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Miss Miriam Briggs was a plain, plain cook,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And her cooking was none too good</div>
-      <div class='line'>(Not at all like the recipes out of the book,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And, in fact, one might tell at the very first look</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>That things hadn't been made as they should).</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_87'></a>Her master, a person named Lymmington-Blake,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>At her cooking did constantly grieve,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And at last he declared that "a change he must make,"</div>
-      <div class='line'>For he "wanted a cook who could boil or could bake,"</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And—this very plain cook—"she must leave."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>So she left, and her master, the very same day,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>For the Registry Office set out,</div>
-      <div class='line'>For he naturally thought it the very best way</div>
-      <div class='line'>Of procuring a cook with the smallest delay.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>(You, too, would have done so, no doubt.)</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>But, "A cook? Goodness gracious!" the lady declared</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>(At the Registry Office, I mean),</div>
-      <div class='line'>"I've no cook on my books, sir, save one, and she's shared</div>
-      <div class='line'>By two families; and, sir, I've nearly despaired,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>For so rare, sir, of late, cooks have been."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Where next he enquired 'twas precisely the same:</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>There wasn't a cook to be had.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Though quite high were the wages he'd willingly name,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And he advertised,—uselessly,—none ever came,—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Not a cook, good, indiff'rent, or bad.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_88'></a>What <i>was</i> to be done? Mr. Lymmington-Blake</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Began to grow thinner and thinner.</div>
-      <div class='line'>(Now and then it is pleasant, but <i>quite</i> a mistake,</div>
-      <div class='line'>To dine every day on a chop or a steak,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And have nothing besides for your dinner.)</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>So he said: "If I can't get a cook, then a mate</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>I'll endeavour to find in a wife"</div>
-      <div class='line'>(His late wife deceased, I p'r'aps ought to relate,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Four or five years before), "for this terrible state</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Of things worries me out of my life."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>So he looked in the papers, and read with delight</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Of a "Lady of good education,</div>
-      <div class='line'>A charming complexion, eyes blue (rather light),"</div>
-      <div class='line'>Who "would to a gentleman willingly write."</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>She "preferred one without a relation."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Now Lymmington-Blake was an orphan from birth,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And had neither a sister nor brother,</div>
-      <div class='line'>While of uncles and aunts he'd a similar dearth,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And he thought, "Here's a lady of singular worth;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>I should think we should suit one another."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_89'></a>So he wrote to the lady, and she wrote to him,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And the lady requested a photo,</div>
-      <div class='line'>But he thought, "I'm not young, and the picture might dim</div>
-      <div class='line'>Her affection; I'll plead, to the lady, a whim,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And refuse her my photo <i>in toto</i>."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"I'll be happy, however," he wrote, "to arrange</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A meeting for Wednesday night.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Hampstead Heath, on the pathway, beside the old Grange,</div>
-      <div class='line'>At a quarter to eight. If you won't think it strange,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Wear a rose—I shall know you at sight."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Came Wednesday night, Mr. Lymmington-Blake</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To the <i>rendezvous</i> all in a flutter</div>
-      <div class='line'>Himself—in a new suit of clothes—did betake;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And over and over, to save a mistake,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The speech he had thought of did mutter.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><i>He</i> wore a red rose, for he thought it would show</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He had taken the matter to heart.</div>
-      <div class='line'>A lady was there. Was it she? Yes, or no?</div>
-      <div class='line'>Blake didn't know whether to stay or to go.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He was nervous. But what made him start?</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_90'></a>'Twas the figure—at first he could not see her face—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Which somehow familiar did look.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Then she turned—and he ran. Do you think it was base?</div>
-      <div class='line'>I fancy that you'd have done so in his place.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'><i>It was Miriam Briggs, the plain cook.</i></div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_096.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_91'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>XVIII.<br />THAT OF "8" AND "22."</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>'Twas on the "Royal Sovereign,"</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Which sails from Old Swan Pier,</div>
-      <div class='line'>That Henry Phipps met Emily Green,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And—<i>this</i> is somewhat queer—</div>
-      <div class='line'><i>Aboard the ship was Obadiah,</i></div>
-      <div class='line'><i>Likewise a lady called Maria</i></div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>The surnames of these people I</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Cannot just now recall,</div>
-      <div class='line'>But 'tis quite immaterial,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>It matters not at all.</div>
-      <div class='line'>The point is <i>this</i>—Phipps met Miss Green;</div>
-      <div class='line'>The sequel quickly will be seen.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>He noticed her the first time when</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To luncheon they went down</div>
-      <div class='line'>(The luncheon on the "Sovereign"</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Is only half a-crown),</div>
-      <div class='line'>Where Obadiah gravely at</div>
-      <div class='line'>The table, with Maria, sat.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_92'></a>And Obadiah coughed because</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Phipps looked at Emily—she at him.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Maria likewise noticed it,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And thereupon grew stern and grim,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Though neither one of all the four</div>
-      <div class='line'>Had met the other one before.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Now Emily Green was pretty, but</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Maria—she was the reverse;</div>
-      <div class='line'>While Obadiah's looks were tra-</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Gic—something like Macbeth's, but worse.—</div>
-      <div class='line'>And these two somehow seemed to be</div>
-      <div class='line'>Quite down on Phipps, and Miss E. G.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>For when <i>she</i> smiled, and kindly passed</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The salt—which Phipps had asked her for—</div>
-      <div class='line'>Maria tossed her head and sniffed,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And Obadiah muttered "Pshaw!"</div>
-      <div class='line'>While later on Miss E. G. thinks</div>
-      <div class='line'>She heard Maria call her "minx."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_93'></a>Twice on the upper deck when Phipps</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Just ventured, in a casual way,</div>
-      <div class='line'>To pass appropriate remarks,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Or comment on the "perfect" day,</div>
-      <div class='line'>He caught Maria listening, and,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Close by, saw Obadiah stand.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>At last, at Margate by the Sea,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The "Royal Sovereign" came to port.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Phipps hurried off and soon secured</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A lodging very near The Fort</div>
-      <div class='line'>(He'd understood Miss Green to say</div>
-      <div class='line'>That she should lodge somewhere that way).</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>He really <i>was</i> annoyed to find</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>That Obadiah came there too,</div>
-      <div class='line'>While Miss Maria, opposite,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The parlour blinds was peering through.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Still he felt very happy, for</div>
-      <div class='line'>He saw Miss Green arrive next door.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>That night he met her on the pier,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And Phipps, of course, he raised his hat.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Miss Emily Green blushed, smiled, and stopped—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>It was not to be wondered at.</div>
-      <div class='line'>But Obadiah, passing by,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Transfixed them with his eagle eye.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<a id='Page_94'></a><img src='images/i_100.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>And, later in the evening, when</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The two were list'ning to the band,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Phipps—tho' perhaps he oughtn't to—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Was gently squeezing Emily's hand.</div>
-      <div class='line'>He dropped it suddenly, for there</div>
-      <div class='line'>Maria stood, with stony stare.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>'Twas so on each succeeding day.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Whate'er they did, where'er they went,</div>
-      <div class='line'>There Obadiah followed them;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Maria, too. No <i>accident</i></div>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_95'></a>Could possibly account for this</div>
-      <div class='line'>Sad interference with their bliss.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>At last Phipps, goaded to despair,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Cried: "Pray, sir—<i>what</i>, sir, do you wish?"</div>
-      <div class='line'>But Obadiah turned away,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Merely ejaculating "Pish!"</div>
-      <div class='line'>Then Phipps addressed Maria too,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And all he got from <i>her</i> was "Pooh!"</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>So Mr. Phipps and Emily Green</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Determined <i>something must be done</i>.</div>
-      <div class='line'>And all one day they talked it o'er,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>From early morn till setting sun.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Then, privately, the morrow fixed</div>
-      <div class='line'>For joining in the bathing,—mixed.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>They knew that Obadiah would</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Be present, and Maria too.</div>
-      <div class='line'>They were; and his machine was "8,"</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Maria's Number "22."</div>
-      <div class='line'>They each stood glaring from their door,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Some little distance from the shore.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_96'></a>The tide came in, the bathers all—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Including Phipps and Emily Green—</div>
-      <div class='line'>Each sought his own—his very own—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Particu<i>lar</i> bath<i>ing</i>-machine;</div>
-      <div class='line'>But Nos. "22" and "8"</div>
-      <div class='line'>Were left, unheeded, to their fate.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>When, one by one, the horses drew</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The other machines to the shore,</div>
-      <div class='line'><i>Phipps bribed the men to leave those two</i></div>
-      <div class='line in2'><i>Exactly where they were before</i>.</div>
-      <div class='line'>(In "8," you know, was Obadiah,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And "22" contained Maria.)</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_102.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_97'></a>The tide rose higher, carrying</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The two machines quite out to sea.</div>
-      <div class='line'>The love affairs of Emily Green</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And Phipps proceeded happily.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in11'>*     *     *</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>I'm not quite certain of the fate</div>
-      <div class='line'>Of either "22" or "8."</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_98'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>XIX.<br />THAT OF THE HOOLIGAN AND THE PHILANTROPIST.</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Bill Basher was a Hooligan,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The terror of the town,</div>
-      <div class='line'>A reputation he possessed</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>For knocking people down;</div>
-      <div class='line'>On unprotected persons</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Of a sudden he would spring,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And hit them with his buckle-belt,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Which hurt like anything.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>One day ten stalwart constables</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Bill Basher took in charge.</div>
-      <div class='line'>"We cannot such a man," said they,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"Permit to roam at large;</div>
-      <div class='line'>He causes all the populace</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To go about in fear;</div>
-      <div class='line'>We'd better take him to the Court</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Of Mr. Justice Dear."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_99'></a>To Mr. Justice Dear they went—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A tender Judge was he:</div>
-      <div class='line'>He was a great Philanthropist</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>(Spelt with a big, big "P").</div>
-      <div class='line'>His bump—phrenologists declared—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Of kindness was immense;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Altho' he somewhat lacked the bump</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Of common, common sense.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"Dear, dear!" exclaimed the kindly Judge</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A-looking very wise,</div>
-      <div class='line'>"Your conduct in arresting <i>him</i></div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Quite fills me with surprise.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Poor fellow! Don't you see the lit-</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Tle things which he has done</div>
-      <div class='line'>Were doubtless but dictated</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>By a sense of harmless fun?</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"We really <i>mustn't</i> be too hard</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Upon a man for <i>that</i>,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And <i>I</i> will not do more than just</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Inflict a fine. That's flat!</div>
-      <div class='line'>See how he stands within the dock,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>As mild as any lamb.</div>
-      <div class='line'>No! Sixpence fine. You are discharged.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'><i>Good</i> morning, Willi<i>am</i>."</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<a id='Page_100'></a><img src='images/i_106.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Now strange to say, within a week,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Bill Basher had begun</div>
-      <div class='line'>To knock about a lot of other</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>People "just in fun."</div>
-      <div class='line'>He hit a young policeman</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>With a hammer on the head,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Until the poor young fellow</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Was approximately dead.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_101'></a>"Good gracious!" murmured Justice Dear,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"<i>This</i> really is <i>too</i> bad,</div>
-      <div class='line'>To hit policemen on the head</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Is not polite, my lad,</div>
-      <div class='line'>I must remand you for a week</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To think what can be done,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And, in the meantime, please remain</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In cell one twenty one."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Then, Justice Dear, he pondered thus:</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"Bill Basher ought to wed</div>
-      <div class='line'>Some good and noble woman;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'><i>Then</i> he'd very soon be led</div>
-      <div class='line'>To see the error of his ways,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And give those errors o'er."</div>
-      <div class='line'>This scheme he thought upon again,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And liked it more and more.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>A daughter had good Justice Dear,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Whose name was Angeline</div>
-      <div class='line'>(The lady's name is not pronounced</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To rhyme with "line," but "leen"),</div>
-      <div class='line'>Not beautiful, but dutiful</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>As ever she could be;</div>
-      <div class='line'><i>Whatever</i> her papa desired</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>She <i>did</i> obediently.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_102'></a>With her he talked the matter o'er,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And told her that he thought,</div>
-      <div class='line'>In the interests of humanity,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To marry Bill she ought.</div>
-      <div class='line'>And, though she loved a barrister</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Named Smith, her grief she hid</div>
-      <div class='line'>And, with a stifled sigh, prepared</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To do as she was bid.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_108.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_103'></a>They got a special licence, and</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Together quickly went</div>
-      <div class='line'>To visit Basher in his cell</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And show their kind intent.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in8'>*     *     *</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>His answer it was to the point,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Though couched in language queer,</div>
-      <div class='line'><i>These</i> were the very words he used:</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"<i>Wot?</i> Marry <i>'er</i>? No fear!"</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Good Justice Dear was greatly shocked;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Indeed, it <i>was</i> a blow</div>
-      <div class='line'>To find that <i>such</i> ingratitude</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The Hooligan should show.</div>
-      <div class='line'>So he gave to Smith, the barrister,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>His daughter for a wife,</div>
-      <div class='line'>While on Bill he passed this sentence—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"Penal servitude for life."</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_104'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>XX.<br />THAT OF THE SOCIALIST AND THE EARL.</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>It was, I think, near Marble Arch,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Or <i>somewhere</i> in the Park,</div>
-      <div class='line in8'>A Socialist</div>
-      <div class='line in8'>Once shook his fist</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And made this sage remark:</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_110.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_105'></a>"It is a shime that working men,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The likes of you and me—</div>
-      <div class='line in8'>Poor, underfed,</div>
-      <div class='line in8'>Without a bed—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In such a state should be.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"When bloated aristocracy</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Grows daily wuss an' wuss.</div>
-      <div class='line in8'>Why don't the rich</div>
-      <div class='line in8'>Behave as sich</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>An' give a bit to us?</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"They've carriages and flunkeys,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Estates, an' lots of land.</div>
-      <div class='line in8'><i>Why</i> this should be,</div>
-      <div class='line in8'>My friends," said he,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"I fail to understand.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"Why should <i>they</i> 'ave the bloomin' lot,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>When, as I've said before,</div>
-      <div class='line in8'>It's understood</div>
-      <div class='line in8'><i>This</i> man's as good</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>As <i>that</i> one is—or <span class='fss'>MORE</span>?</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_106'></a>"So what I sez, my friends, sez I,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Is: Down with all the lot,</div>
-      <div class='line in8'>Unless they share—</div>
-      <div class='line in8'>It's only fair—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>With us what they have got!"</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in10'>*     *     *</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>An Earl, who stood amongst the crowd,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Was <i>very</i> much impressed.</div>
-      <div class='line in8'>"Dear me," he said,</div>
-      <div class='line in8'>And smote his head,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"I really <i>am</i> distressed.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"To think that all these many years</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>I've lived so much at ease,</div>
-      <div class='line in8'>With leisure, rank,</div>
-      <div class='line in8'>Cash at the bank,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And luxuries like these,</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"While, as this honest person says,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'><i>Our</i> class is all to blame</div>
-      <div class='line in8'>That these have naught:</div>
-      <div class='line in8'>We really ought</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To bow our heads in shame.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_107'></a>"My wealth unto this man I'll give,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>My title I will drop,</div>
-      <div class='line in8'>And then I'll go</div>
-      <div class='line in8'>And live at Bow</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And keep a chandler's shop."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in10'>*     *     *</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>The Socialist he took the wealth</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The Earl put in his hands,</div>
-      <div class='line in8'>And bought erewhile</div>
-      <div class='line in8'>A house in style</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And most extensive lands.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Was knighted (for some charity</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Judiciously bestowed);</div>
-      <div class='line in8'>Within a year</div>
-      <div class='line in8'>Was made a Peer;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To fame was on the road.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>But do not think that Fortune's smiles</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>From friends drew him apart,</div>
-      <div class='line in8'>Or hint that rude</div>
-      <div class='line in8'>Ingratitude</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Could dwell within his heart.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_108'></a>You fear, perhaps, that he forgot</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The worthy Earl. Ah, no!</div>
-      <div class='line in8'>Household supplies</div>
-      <div class='line in8'>He <i>often</i> buys</div>
-      <div class='line'>From <i>his</i> shop down at Bow.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_114.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_109'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>XXI.<br />THAT OF THE RETIRED PORK-BUTCHER<br />AND THE SPOOK.</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in2'>I may as well</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Proceed to tell</div>
-      <div class='line'>About a Mister Higgs,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Who grew quite rich</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In trade—the which</div>
-      <div class='line'>Was selling pork and pigs.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in2'>From trade retired,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He much desired</div>
-      <div class='line'>To rank with gentlefolk,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>So bought a place</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He called "The Chase,"</div>
-      <div class='line'>And furnished it—old oak.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in2'>Ancestors got</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>(Twelve pounds the lot,</div>
-      <div class='line'>In Tottenham Court Road);</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A pedigree—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>For nine pounds three,—</div>
-      <div class='line'>The Heralds' Court bestowed.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in2'><a id='Page_110'></a>Within the hall,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And on the wall,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Hung armour bright and strong.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"To Ethelbred"—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The label read—</div>
-      <div class='line'>De Higgs, this did belong."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in2'>'Twas <i>quite</i> complete,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>This country seat,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Yet neighbours stayed away.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Nobody called,—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Higgs was blackballed,—</div>
-      <div class='line'>Which caused him great dismay.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in2'>"Why <i>can</i> it be?"</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>One night said he</div>
-      <div class='line'>When thinking of it o'er.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>There came a knock</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>('Twas twelve o'clock)</div>
-      <div class='line'>Upon his chamber door.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<a id='Page_111'></a><img src='images/i_117.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in2'>Higgs cried, "Come in!"</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A vapour thin</div>
-      <div class='line'>The keyhole wandered through.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Higgs rubbed his eyes</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In mild surprise:</div>
-      <div class='line'>A ghost appeared in view.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in2'>"I beg," said he,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"You'll pardon me,</div>
-      <div class='line'>In calling rather late.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A family ghost,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>I seek a post,</div>
-      <div class='line'>With wage commensurate.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in2'><a id='Page_112'></a>"I'll serve you well;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>My 'fiendish yell'</div>
-      <div class='line'>Is certain sure to please.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>'Sepulchral tones,'</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And 'rattling bones,'</div>
-      <div class='line'>I'm <i>very</i> good at these.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in2'>"Five bob I charge</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To roam at large,</div>
-      <div class='line'>With 'clanking chains' <i>ad lib.</i>;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>I do such things</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>As 'gibberings'</div>
-      <div class='line'>At one-and-three per gib.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in2'>"Or, by the week,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>I merely seek</div>
-      <div class='line'>Two pounds—which is not dear;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Because I need,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Of course, <i>no</i> feed,</div>
-      <div class='line'><i>No</i> washing, and <i>no</i> beer."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in2'><a id='Page_113'></a>Higgs thought it o'er</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A bit, before</div>
-      <div class='line'>He hired the family ghost,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>But, finally,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He did agree</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To give to him the post.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in2'>It got about—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>You know, no doubt,</div>
-      <div class='line'>How quickly such news flies—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Throughout the place,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>From "Higgses Chase"</div>
-      <div class='line'>Proceeded ghostly cries.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in2'>The rumour spread,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Folks shook their head,</div>
-      <div class='line'>But dropped in one by one.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A bishop came</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>(Forget his name),</div>
-      <div class='line'>And then the thing was done.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in2'>For afterwards</div>
-      <div class='line in2'><i>All</i> left their cards,</div>
-      <div class='line'>"Because," said they, "you see,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>One who can boast</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A family ghost</div>
-      <div class='line'>Respectable <i>must</i> be."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in8'>*     *     *</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<a id='Page_114'></a><img src='images/i_120.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>When it was due,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The "ghostes's" screw</div>
-      <div class='line'>Higgs raised—as was but right—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>They often play,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In friendly way,</div>
-      <div class='line'>A game of cards at night.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_115'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>XXII.<br />THAT OF THE POET AND THE BUCCANEERS.</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>It does not fall to every man</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To be a minor poet,</div>
-      <div class='line'>But Inksby-Slingem he was one,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And wished the world to know it.</div>
-      <div class='line'>In almost every magazine</div>
-      <div class='line'>His dainty verses might be seen.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>He'd take a piece of paper—blank,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>With nothing writ upon it—</div>
-      <div class='line'>And soon a triolet 'twould be</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A ballade, or a sonnet.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Pantoums,—in fact, whate'er you please,</div>
-      <div class='line'>This poet wrote, with greatest ease.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>By dozens he'd turn poems out,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To Editors he'd bring 'em,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Till, quite a household word became</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The name of Inksby-Slingem.</div>
-      <div class='line'>A mild exterior had he,</div>
-      <div class='line'>With dove-like personality.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id007'>
-<a id='Page_116'></a><img src='images/i_122.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>His hair was dark and lank and long,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>His necktie large and floppy</div>
-      <div class='line'>(<i>Vide</i> his portrait in the sketch</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"A-smelling of a Poppy"),</div>
-      <div class='line'>And unto this young man befell</div>
-      <div class='line'>The strange adventure I'll now tell.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_117'></a>He took a summer holiday</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Aboard the good ship "Goschen,"</div>
-      <div class='line'>Which foundered, causing all but he</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To perish, in the ocean,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And many days within a boat</div>
-      <div class='line'>Did Inksby-Slingem sadly float—</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Yes, many days, until with joy</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He saw a ship appearing;</div>
-      <div class='line'>A skull and crossbones flag it bore,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And towards him it was steering.</div>
-      <div class='line'>"This rakish-looking craft," thought he,</div>
-      <div class='line'>"I fear a pirate ship must be."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>It was. Manned by a buccaneer.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And, from the very first, he</div>
-      <div class='line'>Could see the crew were wicked men,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>All scowling and bloodthirsty;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Indeed, he trembled for his neck</div>
-      <div class='line'>When hoisted to their upper deck.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_118'></a>Indelicate the way, at least,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>That he was treated—very.</div>
-      <div class='line'>They turned his pockets inside-out;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>They stole his Waterbury;</div>
-      <div class='line'>His scarf-pin, and his golden rings,</div>
-      <div class='line'>His coat and—er—his <i>other things</i>.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Then, they ransacked his carpet-bag,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To add to his distresses,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And tumbled all his papers out,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>His poems, and MSS.'s.</div>
-      <div class='line'>He threw himself upon his knees,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And cried: "I pray you, spare me these!"</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"These? What are these?" the Pirate cried.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"I've not the slightest notion."</div>
-      <div class='line'>He read a verse or two—and then</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Seemed filled with strange emotion.</div>
-      <div class='line'>He read some more; he heaved a sigh;</div>
-      <div class='line'>A briny tear fell from his eye.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_119'></a>"Dear, dear!" he sniffed, "how touching is</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>This poem 'To a Brother!'</div>
-      <div class='line'>It makes me think of childhood's days,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>My old home, and my mother."</div>
-      <div class='line'>He read another poem through,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And passed it to his wondering crew.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_125.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><i>They</i> read it, and all—all but two—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Their eyes were soon a-piping;</div>
-      <div class='line'>It was a most affecting sight</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To see those pirates wiping</div>
-      <div class='line'>Their eyes and noses in their griefs</div>
-      <div class='line'>On many-coloured handkerchiefs,</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in8'>*     *     *</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>To make a lengthy story short,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The gentle poet's verses</div>
-      <div class='line'>Quite won those men from wicked ways,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>From piratings, and curses;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And all of them, so I've heard tell,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Became quite, <i>quite</i> respectable.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_120'></a>All—all but two, and one of <i>them</i></div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Than e'er before much worse is</div>
-      <div class='line'>For <i>he</i> is now a publisher,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And "pirates" Slingem's verses;</div>
-      <div class='line'>The other drives a "pirate" 'bus,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Continuing—alas!—to "cuss."</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_121'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>XXIII.<br />THAT OF THE UNDERGROUND "SULPHUR CURE."</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Sulphuric smoke doth nearly choke</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>That person—more's the pity—</div>
-      <div class='line'>Who does the round, by Underground,</div>
-      <div class='line'>On pleasure, or on business bound,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>From West End to the City.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>At Gower Street I chanced to meet,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>One day, a strange old party,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Who tore his hair in wild despair,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Until I thought—"I would not swear,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>That you're not mad, my hearty."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"Yes, mad, <i>quite</i> mad. Dear me! How sad!"</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>I cried; for, to the porter,</div>
-      <div class='line'>He did complain—"Look here! Again</div>
-      <div class='line'><i>No smoke</i> from any single train</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>That's passed within the quarter.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<a id='Page_122'></a><img src='images/i_128.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"<i>This air's too pure!</i> I cannot cure</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>My patients, if you don't, sir,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Sulphuric gas allow to pass,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Until it thickly coats the glass.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Put up with <i>this</i> I won't, sir!"</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>I noticed then some gentlemen</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And ladies join the chatter—</div>
-      <div class='line'>And dear, dear, dear, they <i>did</i> look queer!</div>
-      <div class='line'>Thought I—"They're very ill, I fear;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>I wonder what's the matter."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_123'></a>Surmise was vain. In came my train.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>I got in. "First"—a "Smoking."</div>
-      <div class='line'>That motley crew—<i>they got in too</i>.</div>
-      <div class='line'>I wondered what on earth to do,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>For each began a-choking.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_129.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"Pray, won't you smoke?" the old man spoke.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Thought I—"He's growing madder."</div>
-      <div class='line'>"I wish you would. 'Twould do them good.</div>
-      <div class='line'>My card I'd hand you if I could,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>But have none. My name's Chadder.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"My patients these. <i>Now</i>, if you please!"</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He cried, in tones commanding,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And gave three raps, "I think, perhaps,</div>
-      <div class='line'>We'd best begin. Undo your wraps!"</div>
-      <div class='line in2'><i>This</i> passed my understanding.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_124'></a>"Put out your tongues! Inflate your lungs!"</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>His patients all got ready;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Their wraps thrown off, they each did doff</div>
-      <div class='line'>Their respirator—spite their cough—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And took breaths long and steady.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"Inhale! Inhale! And do not fail</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The air you take to swallow!"</div>
-      <div class='line'>They gasped, and wheezed, and coughed, and sneezed.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Their "doctor," he looked mighty pleased.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Expecting me to follow.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"Pray, tell me why, good sir!" gasped I,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"Before I lose my senses,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Why ever you such strange things do?</div>
-      <div class='line'>To know this, I confess my cu-</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Riosity immense is."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_125'></a>In accents mild he spoke, and smiled.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"Delighted! I assure you.</div>
-      <div class='line'><i>We take the air</i>—nay! do not stare;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Should aught your normal health impair,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>This 'sulphur cure' will cure you.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"I undertake, quite well to make</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Patients,—<i>whate'er</i> they're ailing.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Each day we meet, proceed <i>en suite</i></div>
-      <div class='line'>From Edgware Road to Gower Street,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And back again—<i>inhaling</i>.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"That sulphur's good, 'tis understood,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>But, I would briefly mention,</div>
-      <div class='line'>The simple way—as one may say,—</div>
-      <div class='line'>In which <i>we</i> take it, day by day,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Is <i>quite my own invention</i>.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"Profits? Ah, yes, I must confess</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>I make a tidy bit, sir?</div>
-      <div class='line'>Tho' Mr. Perkes', and Mr. Yerkes</div>
-      <div class='line'>'S system—if it only works—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Will put a stop to it, sir."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_126'></a>A stifled sigh, a tear-dimmed eye</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Betrayed his agitation.</div>
-      <div class='line'>"Down here there'll be no smoke," said he,</div>
-      <div class='line'>"When run by electricity.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Excuse me! Here's our station!"</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>He fussed about, and got them out,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>(Those invalids I mean, sir,)</div>
-      <div class='line'>Then raised his hat; I bowed at that,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And then, remaining where I sat,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Went on to Turnham Green, sir.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_127'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>XXIV.<br />THAT OF THE FAIRY GRANDMOTHER AND THE<br />COMPANY PROMOTER.</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>A Company Promoter was Septimus Sharpe,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And the subject is he of this ditty;</div>
-      <div class='line'>He'd his name—nothing more—</div>
-      <div class='line'>Painted on the glass door</div>
-      <div class='line'>Of an office high up on the toppermost floor</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Of a house in Throgmorton Street, City.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>The Companies which he had promoted, so far,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Had not—so to speak,—been successes.</div>
-      <div class='line'>As a matter of fact,</div>
-      <div class='line'>He had often to act</div>
-      <div class='line'>In a manner requiring considerable tact</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To—financially—keep out of messes.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>One day there appeared—Sharpe could never tell how,—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In a costume unusually airy,</div>
-      <div class='line'>A young lady. "Dear me!</div>
-      <div class='line'>How surprising!" said he.</div>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_128'></a>"Now, who upon earth can this young person be?</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Is it possible? Why! <i>it's a Fairy</i>!"</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"You are right, Septimus," said the Fairy—"quite right,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>For, in fact, I'm your Fairy Grandmother!"</div>
-      <div class='line'>Sharpe had to confess,</div>
-      <div class='line'>"I already possess</div>
-      <div class='line'>Two grandmothers. But," said he, "nevertheless,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In <i>your</i> case, I will welcome another.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_134.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_129'></a>"Especially if, Fairy Grandmother dear,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Your intentions are—pardon me,—golden.</div>
-      <div class='line'>I'll be pleased, if my till—</div>
-      <div class='line'>Or my coffers—you'll fill,</div>
-      <div class='line'>As,—like a good fairy,—I've no doubt you will;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'><i>Then</i> to you I'll be greatly beholden."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>The Fairy she smiled, as, quite sweetly, she said:</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"You're mistaken, my dear young relation.</div>
-      <div class='line'>There's no fairy displays</div>
-      <div class='line'>In these up-to-date days,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Her powers in <i>such</i> crude and old-fashioned ways—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>No! I bring you <span class='sc'>An Imagination</span>.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"But exercise <span class='sc'>It</span>, and you quickly will find</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>From your pathway all troubles are banished!"</div>
-      <div class='line'>She waved a small wand,</div>
-      <div class='line'>With a look sad yet fond,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Then, into the far and the distant "beyond"</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Sharpe's good Grandmother suddenly vanished.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>The spell she had cast very quickly began</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In his brain to engender a vision.</div>
-      <div class='line'>He <i>imagined</i> a <span class='sc'>Mine</span></div>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_130'></a>Filled with gold, pure and fine,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And a lovely <span class='sc'>Prospectus</span> began to design</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Every item worked out with precision.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>He <i>imagined</i> <span class='sc'>Big Dividends</span>; profits galore;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And some <span class='sc'>Dukes</span> he <i>imagined</i> <span class='sc'>Directors</span>.</div>
-      <div class='line'>And "the <span class='sc'>Public</span> should share,"</div>
-      <div class='line'>He went on to declare,</div>
-      <div class='line'>"In such wealth as should cause the whole nation to stare."</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>There were <span class='sc'>Thousands</span>—<i>in Shares</i>—for Projectors.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Then he went on <i>imagining</i> mine after mine,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>With Prospectuses most high-faluting.</div>
-      <div class='line'>And the <i>Public</i> they <i>fought</i></div>
-      <div class='line'>For the Shares he had brought</div>
-      <div class='line'>To the Market (they "safer than houses" were thought);</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And each day some new Company was mooting.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in12'>*     *     *</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<a id='Page_131'></a><img src='images/i_137.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='nf-center-c1'>
-  <div class='nf-center'>
-    <div>(<span class='sc'>Extra Special.</span>)</div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>That he grew passing rich is a matter of course.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>All his wealth to his wife he made over.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in12'>*     *     *</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>There has been a great smash;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Company's gone with a crash.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Gone also, I hear, has the shareholders' cash.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>But, <span class='sc'>Septimus Sharpe</span>—<i>he's</i> in clover.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_132'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>XXV.<br />THAT OF THE GEISHA AND THE JAPANESE<br />WARRIOR.</h2>
-</div>
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_138.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>An almond-eyed maiden was pretty Jes-So,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Her effort in life was to please;</div>
-      <div class='line'>A Geisha was she, and she handed the tea</div>
-      <div class='line'>In a costume bewitching as ever could be,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And a style which was best Japanese;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And she often served bowls of exceptional size</div>
-      <div class='line'>To a Japanese warrior called Li-Kwize.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_133'></a>And daily Li-Kwize and the pretty Jes-So,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In their artless and Japanese way,</div>
-      <div class='line'>'Neath the Gom-bobble trees rubbed their hands o'er their knees,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Saying flattering things, such as over the seas,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>It's the proper and right thing to say:</div>
-      <div class='line'>Little wonder, in sooth, that Li-Kwize fell in love,</div>
-      <div class='line'>While the Japanese turtle-birds twittered above.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>But 'tis said that the course of true love ne'er ran smooth,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And a rival appeared on the scene,</div>
-      <div class='line'>He'd a glass in his eye, and his collar was high,</div>
-      <div class='line'>His gloves were immaculate, so was his tie,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And his legs were excessively lean;</div>
-      <div class='line'>A descendant was he of a long line of "Dooks,"</div>
-      <div class='line'>And his name was Lord Algernon Perkyns de Snooks.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>In Japan,—on a tour,—he'd arrived with his ma,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>On the tea gardens stumbled by chance,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And directly he saw all the girls he said "Haw!</div>
-      <div class='line'>I—aw—wish, don't you know, that I'd come here befaw"—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And he gave them a languishing glance;</div>
-      <div class='line'>To his feeble moustache he gave several twirls,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Declaring that Geishas were "Doocid fine girls!"</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_134'></a>And he called for a dish of best Japanese tea,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And he ogled the pretty Jes-So,</div>
-      <div class='line'>While the warlike Li-Kwize stared in angry surprise</div>
-      <div class='line'>At the flirtation going on under his eyes,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And he wished that Lord Algy would go;</div>
-      <div class='line'>But, oh! dear me, no, he continued to stop</div>
-      <div class='line'>All the long afternoon in the pretty tea-shop.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>On the morrow he came there again, and again</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He appeared on the following day,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And it made Jes-So sad to hear language so bad</div>
-      <div class='line'>As Li-Kwize employed, as he "went on" like mad</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In a grotesque, and Japanese way;</div>
-      <div class='line'>For he raved and he stormed as they do in Japan.</div>
-      <div class='line'>(You have seen how, no doubt, on a Japanese fan.)</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>He thrust, and he slashed at the air with his sword,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And he shouted aloud at each blow;</div>
-      <div class='line'>There is, really, no doubt he was greatly put out,</div>
-      <div class='line'>But he didn't do what you are thinking about:</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He <i>didn't</i> slay Lord Algy—no:</div>
-      <div class='line'>For Li-Kwize he was subtle, as subtle could be,</div>
-      <div class='line'>He'd a far better plan up his sleeve, don't you see.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_135'></a>He went to the house where Lord Algy's mamma,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A stern, and a haughty old dame,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Was staying, and, tho' it was all in dumb show,</div>
-      <div class='line'>He managed—somehow,—that the lady should know</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Exactly her son's little game,</div>
-      <div class='line'>The equivalent Japanese noise for a kiss</div>
-      <div class='line'>He expressed,—its significance no one could miss.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>In pantomime glibly he told the whole tale,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>While the lady grew pale, and irate:</div>
-      <div class='line'>"Ha! <i>what's</i> that you say? Takes tea there each day?</div>
-      <div class='line'>Geisha? Tea-shop indeed! Come, show me the way!</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>We must stop <i>this</i> before it's too late."</div>
-      <div class='line'>And she pounced on her son, with a terrible frown,</div>
-      <div class='line'>At the pretty tea-shop at the end of the town.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_141.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_136'></a>Not a word did she say, but she took by the ear</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Lord Algernon Perkyns de S.;</div>
-      <div class='line'>She turned him about, and she marched him straight out—</div>
-      <div class='line'>An undignified exit, altho', without doubt,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>An effectual way to suppress</div>
-      <div class='line'>A thing which no mother <i>could</i> view with delight,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And, for one, <i>I</i> contend the old lady was right.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in21'>*     *     *</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>The pretty Jes-So, and the warlike Li-Kwize</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"Made it up," I am happy to say,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And the almond-eyed miss, with a Japanese kiss,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Filled the warrior's heart with a Japanese bliss,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In quite the conventional way;</div>
-      <div class='line'>While the turtle-birds sang in the Gom-bobble trees</div>
-      <div class='line'>All their prettiest songs in their best Japanese.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_137'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>XXVI.<br />THAT OF THE INDISCREET HEN AND THE<br />RESOURCEFUL ROOSTER.<br /> <br />(<i>An Allegory.</i>)</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>I dote upon the softer sex.</div>
-      <div class='line'>The theme I write upon doth vex,</div>
-      <div class='line'>For female inconsistency</div>
-      <div class='line'>A sorry subject is for me</div>
-      <div class='line in16'>To tackle;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Yet of a wayward female hen</div>
-      <div class='line'>I write this time, with halting pen.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Compound of pride, and vanity,</div>
-      <div class='line'>All feathers she appear'd to be,</div>
-      <div class='line in16'>And cackle.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>A flighty hen was she, no doubt—</div>
-      <div class='line'>A foolish fowl, a gad-about.</div>
-      <div class='line'>"Lay eggs!" quoth she. "Why should I?—why?</div>
-      <div class='line'>And set! I won't, upon that I</div>
-      <div class='line in16'>'M decided."</div>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_138'></a>Then,—on the <i>Times</i> instalment plan,—</div>
-      <div class='line'>A bicycle she bought, and 'gan</div>
-      <div class='line'>Domestic duties to neglect;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Her skirts were—what could one expect?—</div>
-      <div class='line in16'>Divided.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_144.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>This conduct greatly scandalised</div>
-      <div class='line'>The farmyard; all looked on surprised,</div>
-      <div class='line'>All but the rooster staid and grim;</div>
-      <div class='line'><i>He</i> did not fret. 'Twas not for him</div>
-      <div class='line in16'>To rate her;</div>
-      <div class='line'>He let her go her wilful way,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And purchased for himself one day</div>
-      <div class='line'>A strange contraption—glass and tin—</div>
-      <div class='line'>An article that's called an in-</div>
-      <div class='line in16'>Cubator.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_139'></a>The nearest grocer's then he sought,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Some ten-a-shilling eggs he bought;</div>
-      <div class='line'>The incubator set to work</div>
-      <div class='line'>(There was no fear that <i>it</i> would shirk</div>
-      <div class='line in16'>Its duty),</div>
-      <div class='line'>Then sat and waited patiently.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Not many days to wait, had he:</div>
-      <div class='line'>Within a week, to make him glad,</div>
-      <div class='line'>A family of chicks he had—</div>
-      <div class='line in16'>A beauty.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_145.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_140'></a>Surprised, his wife returned; but "No;</div>
-      <div class='line'>In future you your way may go,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And I'll go mine, misguided hen!"</div>
-      <div class='line'>Said he. She fell to pleading then,</div>
-      <div class='line in16'>But vainly.</div>
-      <div class='line'>"I'm better off without," he said,</div>
-      <div class='line'>"A wife with such an empty head.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in13'>*     *     *</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>He flourishes. His wife, grown stout,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Neglected, squa-a-ks and stalks about—</div>
-      <div class='line in16'>Ungainly.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Moral.</span></h3>
-<div class='lg-container-b c000'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>It's a wise chicken in these days that knows</div>
-      <div class='line'>its own mother.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_141'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>XXVII.<br />THAT OF A DUEL IN FRANCE.</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Oh, <i>Fa-la-la!</i> likewise <i>Hélas!</i></div>
-      <div class='line'>A shocking thing has come to pass,</div>
-      <div class='line'>For Monsieur Henri Delapaire</div>
-      <div class='line'>Has fallen out,—a sad affair,—</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>With Monsieur Jacques Mallette.</div>
-      <div class='line'>"<i>La femme?</i>" Of course! They <i>both</i> declare</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>They love <i>la belle</i> Nannette.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><i>Ma foi!</i> They'll surely come to blows,</div>
-      <div class='line'>For one has tweaked the other's nose,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Who quickly snaps, with fierce grimace,</div>
-      <div class='line'>His fingers in the other's face.</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>A duel <i>must</i> result.</div>
-      <div class='line'>A Frenchman's honour 'twould disgrace</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>To bear with such insult.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_142'></a>"Pistols for two!"—in French,—they cry.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Nannette to come between doth fly:</div>
-      <div class='line'>"<i>Messieurs! Messieurs!</i> pray, <i>pray</i> be calm!</div>
-      <div class='line'>You fill your Nannette with alarm."</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>"<i>Parole d'honneur!</i> No.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Revenge!" they cry. The big gendarme,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Nannette to call, doth go.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Quickly a crowd has gathered round,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Pistols are brought, and seconds found;</div>
-      <div class='line'>A grassy space beneath the trees,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Where gentlemen may fight at ease;</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Then, each takes off his coat—</div>
-      <div class='line'>Glaring meanwhile as though he'd seize</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>The other by the throat.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>The seconds shrug, gesticulate,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And pace the ground with step sedate;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Then anxious consultation hold</div>
-      <div class='line'>O'er pistols, for the rivals bold</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Who now stand white and stern;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Their arms across their chests they fold,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>And sideways each doth turn.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_143'></a>The seconds place them <i>vis-à-vis</i>,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And give them word to fire at "three";</div>
-      <div class='line'>Brave Monsieur Mallette shuts his eyes,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And points his pistol to the skies;</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Brave Monsieur Delapaire</div>
-      <div class='line'>His hand to steady vainly tries,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>It trembles in the air.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_149.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>A deadly silence: "<i>Un—deux—trois!</i>"</div>
-      <div class='line'>Two shots are ringing through the <i>Bois</i>.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Two shots,—and then two awful calms;</div>
-      <div class='line'>As, senseless, in their seconds' arms</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>The duellists both lay.</div>
-      <div class='line'>(Their faces pale the crowd alarms,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>And fills them with dismay.)</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<a id='Page_144'></a><img src='images/i_150.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"Killed?" Goodness gracious—oh, dear <i>no</i>!</div>
-      <div class='line'>This couldn't be,—in France,—you know,</div>
-      <div class='line'>For pistols <i>there</i> they never load.</div>
-      <div class='line'>But <i>caps</i> were they which did explode:</div>
-      <div class='line in4'><i>They've only swooned with fright.</i></div>
-      <div class='line'>See! one some signs of life has showed;</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>The crowd claps with delight.</div>
-      <div class='line'>They both revive. They both embrace.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Twice kiss each other on the face.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in10'>*     *     *</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
- <div class='line c005'><a id='Page_145'></a>"Stay! Hold!" you cry. "You said, I thought,</div>
-      <div class='line'><i>La belle</i> Nannette the gendarme sought?"</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>She did,—<i>la belle</i> Nannette,—</div>
-      <div class='line'>She sought, and found him—charming quite.</div>
-      <div class='line in4'><i>She stays there with him yet.</i></div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>She "never cared for Delapaire,"</div>
-      <div class='line'>She says with most <i>dégagé</i> air;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And "as for Monsieur Mallette,—well,</div>
-      <div class='line'>He <i>may</i> discover—who can tell?—</div>
-      <div class='line in4'><i>Someone</i> to marry yet."</div>
-      <div class='line'>Meanwhile <i>le gendarme pour la belle</i>,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>The fickle, fair Nannette.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_146'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>XXVIII.<br />THAT OF THE ASTUTE NOVELIST.</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Quite an ordinary person</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Wrote an ordinary book;</div>
-      <div class='line'>'Twas the first he'd ever written,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>So a lot of pains he took.</div>
-      <div class='line'>From a two-a-penny paper</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He some little <i>factlets</i><a id='r2' /><a href='#f2' class='c009'><sup>[2]</sup></a> culled,</div>
-      <div class='line'>With some "stories of celebrities"</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>By which the Public's gulled.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Then of course he had a hero,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And likewise a hero<i>ine</i>,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And a villain, and a villainess,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Whose nefarious design</div>
-      <div class='line'>Was most properly defeated</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In the chapter last but one,—</div>
-      <div class='line'>Which described the happy ending—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>There you were! The thing was done.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_147'></a>But, somehow, it didn't answer.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"Nothing strange," you'll say, "in that";</div>
-      <div class='line'>And, indeed, perhaps there wasn't</div>
-      <div class='line in2'><i>Very</i> much to wonder at,</div>
-      <div class='line'>For the book was really never</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Calculated fame to win,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And the author's coat grew shabby</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And his body very thin.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_153.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>And he pondered, and he pondered</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>O'er his misery and ills,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Till, one day, he met a party</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Who was posting up some bills.</div>
-      <div class='line'>"What's the matter?" asked this person,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"You are looking mighty glum.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Books not selling? Advertise 'em.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'><i>That's</i> the dodge to make things hum."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_148'></a>"Look at 'Whatsit's Soap,' and so on!</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Look at 'Thingumbobby's Pills!'</div>
-      <div class='line'>It's the advertising does it,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And the owner's pocket fills.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Puff 'em up; the Public likes it;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And—(this from behind his hand)—</div>
-      <div class='line'>It doesn't matter if it's</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Not <i>quite</i> true, <i>you</i> understand."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>So the author wrote another</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Book, and brought in Tsars, and Kings,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And Popes, and noble ladies—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Queens, and Duchesses, and things</div>
-      <div class='line'>And "the problem" of the moment;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And some politics, and cram,</div>
-      <div class='line'>With tit-bits of foreign language</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Mixed with literary jam.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>And in type he had it stated</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>That "the world was all agog"</div>
-      <div class='line'>For this "epoch-making" novel,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And—their memory to jog—</div>
-      <div class='line'>The public had it daily</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In all kinds of sorts of ways</div>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_149'></a>Thrust upon them, till it set</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Their curiosity ablaze.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>And from Brixton unto Ponder's End</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>'Twas daily talked about</div>
-      <div class='line'>This wonderful new novel</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Long, long, long before 'twas out;</div>
-      <div class='line'>I forget how many hundred</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Thousand copies have been sold;</div>
-      <div class='line'>But it's brought the lucky author</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Notoriety, and gold.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_155.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_150'></a>This judicious advertising</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Has indeed brought him success;</div>
-      <div class='line'>He's the "lion" of the moment</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In Society (big S).</div>
-      <div class='line'>It is even said that Royalty——</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>But there! I mustn't say,</div>
-      <div class='line'>For <i>he'll tell you all about it</i></div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In another book some day.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='footnote' id='f2'>
-<p class='c010'><span class='label'><a href='#r2'>2</a>.&nbsp;&nbsp;</span>A <i>factlet</i> is <i>nearly</i> a fact.</p>
-</div>
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_151'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>XXIX.<br />THAT OF THE ABSENT-MINDED LADY.</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>The lady hailed a passing 'bus,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And sat down with a jerk;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Upon her heated face she wore</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A most complacent smirk;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Three parcels held she in her lap,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Safe-guarded from the least mishap.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>The 'bus it rattled, bumped, and shook—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>She didn't seem to mind—</div>
-      <div class='line'>And every now and then she <i>smiled</i>,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>As something crossed her mind:</div>
-      <div class='line'>She evidently longed to tell</div>
-      <div class='line'>The joke, that we might smile as well.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"These men!" she said, at last to one</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Who sat beside her. "It's absurd.</div>
-      <div class='line'>To hear them rave. They seem to think</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>That nobody—upon my word—</div>
-      <div class='line'>But men can do things in what they</div>
-      <div class='line'>Are pleased to call the proper way.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<a id='Page_152'></a><img src='images/i_158.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"My husband now, he's like the rest,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And said, when I came out</div>
-      <div class='line'>To do some shopping, I'd forget</div>
-      <div class='line in2'><i>Something</i>, he had no doubt,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Or else buy more than I desired,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Or something which was not required.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_153'></a>"Now, <i>three</i> things I set out to buy</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>At Mr. Whiteley's store;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Three parcels here, I'm taking home,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'><i>Three</i> parcels, and no more.</div>
-      <div class='line'>My husband he must own ere long</div>
-      <div class='line'>Himself entirely in the wrong."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>She smiled,—a most triumphant smile.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"Exactly like the men!"</div>
-      <div class='line'>She said, and I—she looked at me—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Felt much embarrassed then.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Her scorn for men was undisguised;</div>
-      <div class='line'>The other ladies sympathised.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>But, presently, I noticed that</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Upon the lady's face</div>
-      <div class='line'>No smile was seen—a puzzled frown</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Had come there in its place;</div>
-      <div class='line'>She squirmed, and fidgeted about,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And turned her pockets inside out.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>She counted over—several times—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Her parcels—"One—two—three;"</div>
-      <div class='line'>Clutched at her purse, her parasol;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Then muttered, "H'm! Dear me!</div>
-      <div class='line'>There's nothing that I haven't got.</div>
-      <div class='line'>What <i>can</i> I have forgotten? What?"</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_154'></a>She tapped her foot impatiently;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Stared out into the street;</div>
-      <div class='line'>She got up several times and searched</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Quite vaguely o'er the seat;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Then gave a sigh and settled down,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Still wearing that bewildered frown.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Then, evidently lost in thought,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>She sat as in a dream,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Till—o'er her face a pallor spread,—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>She sprang up, with a scream:</div>
-      <div class='line'>"Oh, stop! Pray stop, conductor! Stop!</div>
-      <div class='line'><i>I've left the baby in the shop!</i>"</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_160.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_155'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>XXX.<br />THAT OF THE GERMAN BAKER AND THE COOK.</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Dese vimens! Ach! dese vimens!</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To me id is quide sad</div>
-      <div class='line'>Dat dey can be so bootiful,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Und yet can be so bad.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Dey vonce a fool haf made me</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>As never vas before;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Bud now I <i>know</i> dose vimens,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Und dey don't do dat no more.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Look! I am here a baker,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Und bread und biscuits bake,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Der dough-nuts, und der cooken,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Und all such tings I make;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Von voman to my shop come,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>So bootiful und big,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Her eyes vas plue und shining,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Her hair joost like a vig.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_156'></a>She buy of me some dough-nuts,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>She come again next day,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Und in my dough-nuts buying</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>She stole mine heart avay;</div>
-      <div class='line'>For, ach! she vas so lofely</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>As never yet I found—</div>
-      <div class='line'>I tink dot even <i>both</i> my arms</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Her vaist could not go round.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Von day to me she say: "I vish</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>I could dose dough-nuts make;</div>
-      <div class='line'>My family is goned avay;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Come now, und ve shall make</div>
-      <div class='line'>Some dough-nuts in my kitchen,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>If you vill show me how."</div>
-      <div class='line'>I go. Because I tink, perhaps,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>I get her for mine vrow.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Der kitchen id vas big und clean,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Der supper vas set out.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Mit places at der table</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>For two, mit pie, und stout.</div>
-      <div class='line'>I show her how dough-nuts to make,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Und den ve sit to sup;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Ven comes a vistle at der gate;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Der voman she jumps up.</div>
-      <div class='line'>"Quick! quick!" she say, "here somevon comes,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Und you must herein hide."</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<a id='Page_157'></a><img src='images/i_163.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>She pushes me der pantry in,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Mit nothing else beside.</div>
-      <div class='line'>I peep der keyhole through und see</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A big policeman stand;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Der voman seems him pleased to see,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Und shakes him by der hand.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_158'></a>Den dey two at der supper sit</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>(Dot supper made for me),</div>
-      <div class='line'>Und I am in der pantry shut,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>mad as mad can be;</div>
-      <div class='line'>I sit der flour barrel upon,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Der barrel it go through,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Und in der flour I tumble. Ach!</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>It make me schneize "Tish-oo!"</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_164.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Der policeman say "Hark! vat is dat?"</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Und open burst der door;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Dey see me den,—all vite mit flour</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Und tumbled on der floor.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Der voman scream "A burglar man!"</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Und tremble, und look pale;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Der policeman den he take me up,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And march me off to gaol.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_159'></a>Der magistrate some money for</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A fine shall make me pay;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Der policeman und der voman</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Dey get married yesterday:</div>
-      <div class='line'>So never now I trust no more</div>
-      <div class='line in2'><i>All</i> vimens vat I see;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Dey make again some other man</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A fool, but <i>never</i> me.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_160'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>XXXI.<br />THAT OF THE CONVERTED CANNIBALS.</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Upon an island, all alone,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>They lived, in the Pacific;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Somewhere within the Torrid Zone,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Where heat is quite terrific.</div>
-      <div class='line'>'Twould shock you were I to declare</div>
-      <div class='line'>The many things they did not wear,</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>Altho' no doubt</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>One's best without</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Such things in heat terrific.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Though cannibals by birth were they,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Yet, since they'd first existed,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Their simple menu day by day</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Of such-like things consisted:</div>
-      <div class='line'>Omelets of turtle's eggs, and yams,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And stews from freshly-gathered clams,</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>Such things as these</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>Were,—if you please,—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Of what their fare consisted.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_161'></a>But after dinner they'd converse,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Nor did their topic vary;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Wild tales of gore they would rehearse,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And talk of <span class='small'><i>missionary</i></span>.</div>
-      <div class='line'>They'd gaze upon each other's joints,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And indicate the tender points.</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>Said one: "For us</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>'Tis dangerous</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To <i>think</i> of <span class='small'><i>missionary</i></span>."</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_167.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Well, on a day, upon the shore,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>As flotsam, or as jetsum,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Some wooden cases,—ten, or more,—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Were cast up. "Let us get some,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And see, my friend, what they contain;</div>
-      <div class='line'>The chance may not occur again,"</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>Said good Who-zoo.</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>Said Tum-tum, "Do;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>We'll both wade out and get some."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_162'></a>The cases held,—what do you think?—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"<span class='sc'>Prime Missionary—tinned.</span>"</div>
-      <div class='line'>Nay! gentle reader, do not shrink</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The man who made it sinned:</div>
-      <div class='line'>He thus had labelled bloater-paste</div>
-      <div class='line'>To captivate the native taste.</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>He hoped, of course,</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>This fraud to force</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>On them. In this he sinned.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Our simple friends knew naught of sin,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>They thought that this confection</div>
-      <div class='line'><i>Was</i> missionary in a tin</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>According to direction.</div>
-      <div class='line'>For very joy they shed salt tears.</div>
-      <div class='line'>"'Tis what we've waited for, for years,"</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>Said they. "Hooray!</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>We'll feast to-day</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>According to direction."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_163'></a>"'Tis very tough," said one, for he</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The tin and all had eaten.</div>
-      <div class='line'>"Too salt," the other said, "for me;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The flavour might be beaten."</div>
-      <div class='line'>It was enough. Soon each one swore</div>
-      <div class='line'>He'd missionary eat no more:</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>Their tastes were cured,</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>They felt assured</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>This flavour might be beaten.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_169.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>And, should a missionary call</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To-day, he'd find them gentle,</div>
-      <div class='line'>With no perverted tastes at all,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And manners ornamental;</div>
-      <div class='line'>He'd be received, I'm bound to say,</div>
-      <div class='line'>In courteous and proper way;</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>Nor need he fear</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>To taste their cheer</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>However ornamental.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_164'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>XXXII.<br />THAT OF A FRUITLESS ENDEAVOUR.</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Come let us quit the gruesome tales</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Of cannibals, and Kings, and things;</div>
-      <div class='line'>On such-like themes my fancy fails,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>My muse a simpler story sings:</div>
-      <div class='line'>I'd have you, one and all, consider</div>
-      <div class='line'>To-day a bachelor and "widder."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>The bachelor,—named Robinson,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>(A clerk, or something, in the City,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Just what, we will not dwell upon),</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A pleasant man, and somewhat witty,</div>
-      <div class='line'>But thin,—I've seldom known a thinner,—</div>
-      <div class='line'>Dwelt in the suburbs, out at Pinner.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>The widow lived at Pinner too,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'><i>Her</i> name Ann Partington, <i>née</i> Gair,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And rich,—if what was said is true,—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Her age was forty; she was fair</div>
-      <div class='line'>And fat—indeed, as for that matter,</div>
-      <div class='line'>I've seldom known a person fatter.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_165'></a>Now Robinson considered: "Why</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Should I, an eligible man,</div>
-      <div class='line'>In lonely 'diggings' live and die,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>When I might marry widow Ann?</div>
-      <div class='line'>I'll call, and tentatively mention</div>
-      <div class='line'>My matrimonial intention."</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_171.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>The widow seemed at first inclined</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To close the matter out of hand.</div>
-      <div class='line'>She said: "Yes, thank you, I don't mind,"</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>(No shyness <i>there</i>, you understand),</div>
-      <div class='line'>But later on said: "No, for us</div>
-      <div class='line'>To marry would be ludicrous.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_166'></a>We'd be the laughing-stock, I fear,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Of neighbours round about,</div>
-      <div class='line'>For you are awfully thin, poor dear,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And I am awfully stout;</div>
-      <div class='line'>I must withhold consideration</div>
-      <div class='line'>Till there's some drastic alteration."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>So Robinson determined that</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He'd put on flesh somehow;</div>
-      <div class='line'>He'd try all means of getting fat,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And made this solemn vow:</div>
-      <div class='line'>"The widow,—well, he'd do without her</div>
-      <div class='line'>Till he had grown a trifle stouter."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"Laugh and grow fat," somebody said;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>So, daily, Robinson</div>
-      <div class='line'>The comic papers duly read,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And gloated thereupon:</div>
-      <div class='line'>He spent no end of pocket money</div>
-      <div class='line'>In things which he considered funny.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>And eat!—I tell you he <i>did</i> eat!—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>While (this was scarcely wise)</div>
-      <div class='line'>He seldom moved from off his seat,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And took <i>no</i> exercise.</div>
-      <div class='line'>'Twas not surprising, then—now, was it?—</div>
-      <div class='line'>He gained in "adipose deposit."</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<a id='Page_167'></a><img src='images/i_173.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>He did; and when he turned the scale</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>At twenty stone or more,</div>
-      <div class='line'>He for the widow's house set sail,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And waddled to the door.</div>
-      <div class='line'>She met him—thin as any rat,</div>
-      <div class='line'><i>For</i> <span class='fss'>SHE'D</span> <i>been taking Anti-Fat</i>!</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_168'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>XXXIII.<br />THAT OF THE UNFORTUNATE LOVER.</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>I often heave a sigh to think</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Of poor young A. McDougal,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And his disastrous bold attempt</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To learn to play the bugle</div>
-      <div class='line'>(Which, judging from the sad result,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Must be, I fancy, difficult).</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>It happened thus: McDougal took</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>His charming young <i>fiancée</i><a id='r3' /><a href='#f3' class='c009'><sup>[3]</sup></a></div>
-      <div class='line'>One evening to a "Monday Pop."</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>(Her Christian name was Nancy.)</div>
-      <div class='line'>And there they heard—he and this maid,—</div>
-      <div class='line'>A solo on the bugle played.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Fair Nancy was enraptured, and</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Said: "Dearest A. McDougal,</div>
-      <div class='line'>I'd love you more than ever if</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>You'd learn to play the bugle."</div>
-      <div class='line'>McDougal, as a lover should,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Remarked, he'd learn it—"if he could."</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_169'></a>That very night, as they walked home,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>McDougal was deluded</div>
-      <div class='line'>A bugle into purchasing</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>(With leather case included),</div>
-      <div class='line'>At more than twice its proper price,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Because it looked "so very nice."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>He little thought, poor wretched man,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>As he this bargain fixed on,</div>
-      <div class='line'>How it would wreck his future life.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He took it home to Brixton,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And, from that hour, with much concern,</div>
-      <div class='line'>To play upon it tried to learn.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>His efforts—so I understand—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>At first were not successful.</div>
-      <div class='line'>His landladies objected—which,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Of course, was most distressful;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Then neighbours much annoyed him, for</div>
-      <div class='line'><i>They</i> sued him in a court of law.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_170'></a>Said he: "'Tis strange, where'er I go</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Opprobrium and hooting</div>
-      <div class='line'>My efforts greet. I'd better try</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The common, out at Tooting,"</div>
-      <div class='line'>Where,—on his bugle-tootling bent,—</div>
-      <div class='line'>He most appropriately went.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Each evening after business hours</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He'd practice—'twas his fancy—</div>
-      <div class='line'>Till <i>he</i> thought he played well enough</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To serenade Miss Nancy,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Though (this must be well understood)</div>
-      <div class='line'>His playing really was <i>not</i> good.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>He had no ear for music, and</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Made discords which were racking;</div>
-      <div class='line'>While as for time, his sense of <i>that</i></div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Was quite, entirely, lacking.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Still, excellent was his intent</div>
-      <div class='line'>As unto Nancy's house he went.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"That tune," he thought, "which we first heard,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>'Twould doubtless, much engage her,</div>
-      <div class='line'>If I performed the self-same piece"</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>('Twas something in D major),</div>
-      <div class='line'>Which, knowing nought of C's and D's,</div>
-      <div class='line'>He played in quite a bunch of keys.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in10'>*     *     *</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_171'></a>"Who is it making all this noise?"</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A voice inquired quite crossly</div>
-      <div class='line'>Above his head. "'Tis I, my love,"</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Said A. McDougal, hoarsely.</div>
-      <div class='line'>"Then go away; I've never heard,"</div>
-      <div class='line'>Said Nancy, "noises so absurd."</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_177.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"My playing—don't you like it?" "No;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And, till you're more proficient,</div>
-      <div class='line'>I will not marry you at all:</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>I've said it,—that's sufficient."</div>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_172'></a>She closed the window with a bang.</div>
-      <div class='line'>A wild note from the bugle rang—</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_178.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>A wildly, weirdly, wailing note</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To set one's blood a-freezing;</div>
-      <div class='line'>A compound 'twixt nocturnal cats,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And wheels which want a-greasing—</div>
-      <div class='line'>For A. McDougal—ah! how sad—</div>
-      <div class='line'>Her heartlessness had driven mad.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_173'></a>And Tooting Common, now, at night</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>None cross but the undaunted,</div>
-      <div class='line'>For people, living thereabout,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Declare the place is haunted</div>
-      <div class='line'>By one who serenades the moon</div>
-      <div class='line'>With jangled bugle, out of tune.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='footnote' id='f3'>
-<p class='c010'><span class='label'><a href='#r3'>3</a>.&nbsp;&nbsp;</span>Cockney pronunciation please.</p>
-</div>
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_174'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>XXXIV.<br />THAT OF THE FEMALE GORILLY.</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Och! Oi can't remember roightly</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Phwat exactly waz the name</div>
-      <div class='line'>Of the gintleman phwat did it,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>But Oi read it all the same—</div>
-      <div class='line'>How he lived insoide a cage, sor</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>('Twas a moighty strong consarn),</div>
-      <div class='line'>In the middle of the forest,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Monkey language for to larn.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>If he larned to spake it roightly</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Oi can't say, sor, yis or no;</div>
-      <div class='line'>But he left the cage behoind him,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>That for sartin sure Oi know;</div>
-      <div class='line'>For Oi saw it there mesilf, sor—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>If ye loike Oi'll tell yez how.</div>
-      <div class='line'>'Tis a moighty cur'ous story</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>That Oi'm tellin' of yez now.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_175'></a>'Tis some many years agone, sor,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Oi forget phwy Oi waz sint</div>
-      <div class='line'>With the great explorin' party,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>But they axed me,—an' Oi wint.</div>
-      <div class='line'>An' the forests that we passed through,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>An' the rivers that we crossed,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Phwat with one thing an' another</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Ivery man but me waz lost.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>But Oi still kept on explorin',</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Walkin' by mesilf for moiles,</div>
-      <div class='line'>An' a-swimmin' over rivers,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Filled with hungry crocodoiles,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Till wan day a big gorilly</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Oi saw standin' in the road,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And, phwen Oi saw the cratur,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"Och, bedad!" Oi cried, "Oi'm blow'd."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>For Oi took him for a Christian.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Dressed in plant'in leaves and things,</div>
-      <div class='line'>With a bonnet on his head, sor,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>An' around his neck some rings</div>
-      <div class='line'>Ov berries from the trees, sor,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>An', sez Oi, "It seems to me,</div>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_176'></a>By the manner of his dressin',</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>It's most loikely <i>he's</i> a <i>she</i>."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>She waz that, an' by the same, sor,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>When Oi bowed and raised me hat,</div>
-      <div class='line'>She jist flung her arms around me,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And then down beside me sat.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Oi could see she'd fell in love, sor,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>An' Oi came all over hot,</div>
-      <div class='line'>For a big female gorilly</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>'S worse than any Hottentot.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_182.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>An' Oi rasoned with her thus, sor:</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"Oi <i>can't</i> marry yez, becaze</div>
-      <div class='line'>Oi've wan woife in Ballyhooly,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>An' another wan that waz</div>
-      <div class='line'>Me woife up in Killarney;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>If Oi marry <i>yez</i>, ye see,</div>
-      <div class='line'>They'll call it bigamy, perhaps,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Or trigonometry."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_177'></a>But she didn't understand, sor,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>An' she stayed with me all day,</div>
-      <div class='line'>An' she growled an' showed her teeth, sor,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>When Oi tried to get away;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Then she led me to her home, sor—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>It waz made insoide the cage,</div>
-      <div class='line'>(That the gintleman Oi told yez ov</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Had left there, Oi'll engage.)</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"An' ye mane to shut me up in that,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Ye ugly great gorilly?"</div>
-      <div class='line'>Thinks Oi. "Bedad! ye won't, thin.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>D'ye take me for a silly?"</div>
-      <div class='line'>So when she opens wide the door,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Oi steps asoide politely;</div>
-      <div class='line'><i>She</i> walks insoide, <i>Oi</i> shuts the door,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>An' fastens it up toightly.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_178'></a>An' a moighty lucky thing it waz</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Oi fastened her up so, sor;</div>
-      <div class='line'>What would have happened otherwise</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Oi really do not know, sor.</div>
-      <div class='line'>But Oi left her far behind me,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Still a-yellin' in her rage,</div>
-      <div class='line'>An' if the gintleman goes back,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He'll find her—<i>in the cage</i>.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_184.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_179'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>XXXV.<br />THAT OF THE ARTIST AND THE MOTOR-CAR.<br /> <br />(<i>Tragedy.</i>)</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in8'>There lived an artist,</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>Not unknown to fame—</div>
-      <div class='line in8'>Wild horses wouldn't</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>Drag from me his name.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Besides, it doesn't matter,—not a bit,—</div>
-      <div class='line'>It is sufficient, painting was his lit-</div>
-      <div class='line in18'>Tle game.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in8'>He copied Turner-</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>Esque effects with ease,</div>
-      <div class='line in8'>And painted cattle,—</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>Miniatures,—or seas;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Yet found some difficulty, I've heard said,</div>
-      <div class='line'>In making both ends meat, (or even bread,</div>
-      <div class='line in18'>And cheese).</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in8'><a id='Page_180'></a>He sat one day with-</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>In his stu-di-o,</div>
-      <div class='line in8'>Grieving that times were</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>Bad, and prices low,</div>
-      <div class='line'>When, suddenly, this thought occurred to him,</div>
-      <div class='line'>(Of course, 'twas but a fancy, or a whim,</div>
-      <div class='line in18'>You know):</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in8'>"How strange 'twould be if</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>What I painted here</div>
-      <div class='line in8'>Upon the canvas</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>Really should appear!</div>
-      <div class='line'>I wish it would, and then remain for good.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Upon my word, ha-ha! I say! That would</div>
-      <div class='line in18'>Be queer!"</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in8'>No sooner had the&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>Thought occurred to him</div>
-      <div class='line in8'>Than round and round the</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>Studio seemed to swim.</div>
-      <div class='line'>A fairy voice declared: "<i>On your behalf</i></div>
-      <div class='line'><i>The wish is granted!</i>" then "<i>Ha! ha!</i>" ('Twas laugh-</div>
-      <div class='line in18'>Ter grim.)</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in8'><a id='Page_181'></a>"Absurd," the artist</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>Cried. "Of course, there are</div>
-      <div class='line in8'>No fairies now; we're</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>Too advanced by far</div>
-      <div class='line'>To think it; still, with just a line or so</div>
-      <div class='line'>Upon the canvas here, I'll draw a mo-</div>
-      <div class='line in18'>Tor-car."</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_187.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in8'>He drew, and scarce had</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>Finished it before</div>
-      <div class='line in8'>His servant knocked. (Up-</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>On her face she wore</div>
-      <div class='line'>A puzzled look.) "Sir, here's your coat and hat,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And, if you please, <i>your motor-car is at</i></div>
-      <div class='line in18'><i>The door</i>!"</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in8'><a id='Page_182'></a>The artist hardly</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>Could believe his eyes,</div>
-      <div class='line in8'>For what he saw quite</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>Filled him with surprise:</div>
-      <div class='line'>There stood the <i>very</i> motor-car he'd meant,</div>
-      <div class='line'>In make, and pattern, most convenient,</div>
-      <div class='line in18'>And size.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in8'>"Well! as it's here, I'll</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>Use the thing," he cried.</div>
-      <div class='line in8'>(Indeed, what was there</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>To be done beside?)</div>
-      <div class='line'>So, watched by quite a crowd about the door,</div>
-      <div class='line'>He turned the crank, and off he started for</div>
-      <div class='line in18'>A ride.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in8'>On went the motor-</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>Car, on—"pop-pop-pop!"—</div>
-      <div class='line in8'>On through the streets, and</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>On past house and shop,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Through country lanes, and over hill and dell,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Delightfully,—until he thought it well</div>
-      <div class='line in18'>To stop.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in8'><a id='Page_183'></a>But stop he couldn't,</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>Try whate'er he would—</div>
-      <div class='line in8'><i>He hadn't drawn quite</i></div>
-      <div class='line in10'><i>Everything he should</i>;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Some little crank, or something, he'd not done,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Because the mechanism he'd not un-</div>
-      <div class='line in18'>Derstood.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in8'>Result? Poor fellow!</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>To this day, he flies</div>
-      <div class='line in8'>Along the roads, with</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>Starting eyes, and cries</div>
-      <div class='line'>For help—which nobody can give him, for</div>
-      <div class='line'>He's doomed to ride until the thing busts, or—</div>
-      <div class='line in18'>He dies.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_189.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_184'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>XXXVI.<br />THAT OF THE INCONSIDERATE NABOB AND THE<br />LADY WHO DESIRED TO BE A BEGUM.</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in2'>Begums! Exactly what they are</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>I really ought to know—but don't;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In my Encyclopædia</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>I'll look them up. Stay! No, I won't.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Instead, let us converse together</div>
-      <div class='line'>About Miss Mary Merryweather.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in2'>A guileless child of nature, she</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Who lived out Upper Norwood way,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A Begum she desired to be,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>And dreamt about this night and day,</div>
-      <div class='line'>But,—though she made a solemn vow to</div>
-      <div class='line'>Be a Begum,—knew not how to.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in2'><a id='Page_185'></a>"What <i>is</i> a Begum?" friends would ask,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>And Mary M—— would shake her head.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"Though doubtless it will be a task</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>I'll find out for myself," she said.</div>
-      <div class='line'>They raised their hands in consternation</div>
-      <div class='line'>At this announced determination.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_191.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in2'>Later Miss Merryweather said:</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>"To be a Begum one must go</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To India. I'd better wed</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>A captain on a P. and O.</div>
-      <div class='line'>I'll therefore marry Captain Jolly."</div>
-      <div class='line'>(A kind old man who called her "Polly.")</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in2'>"Though what on earth a girl could see,"</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>He said, while on their honeymoon,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"Attractive in a man like me——"</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Then Mrs. Jolly very soon</div>
-      <div class='line'>(Though doubtless with some trepidation)</div>
-      <div class='line'>Explained to him the situation.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in2'><a id='Page_186'></a>Good Captain Jolly sighed, and said:</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>"A Begum you can never be,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>My dearest Poll, till I am dead;</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Perhaps I'd better die," said he.</div>
-      <div class='line'>"If you don't mind, I think you'd better,"</div>
-      <div class='line'>Said she; "'twill suit me to the letter."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in2'>So Captain Jolly, worthy soul,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>Deceased, as she desired him to.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In India—the lady's goal;</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>A wealthy Nabob came in view,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Whom Widow Jolly captivated.</div>
-      <div class='line'>And,—later,—married, as is stated.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in2'>"A Begum now at last am I,"</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>She said, when she had married him,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"A Begum!" said the Nabob. "Why?"</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>His wife explained. "A harmless whim,"</div>
-      <div class='line'>Said he; "but I regret to state, Ma'am,</div>
-      <div class='line'>You're <i>not</i> what you anticipate, Ma'am.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in2'><a id='Page_187'></a>"A Begum is a <i>Rajah's</i> wife,</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>And <i>not</i> a Nabob's, don't you see;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And so throughout <i>my</i> natural life</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>A Begum you can never be."</div>
-      <div class='line'>She wept—and hinted Captain Jolly</div>
-      <div class='line'>Had died to please his little Polly.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_193.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in2'>"Perhaps you——" "No, I won't," he cried;</div>
-      <div class='line in4'>"I draw the line," said he, "at that.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Although poor Jolly may have died</div>
-      <div class='line in3'>To please you—I refuse. That's flat!"</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in10'>*     *     *</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>And so, alas! for her endeavour,</div>
-      <div class='line'>She never <i>was</i> a Begum,—never!</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_188'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>XXXVII.<br />THAT OF DR. FARLEY, M.D., SPECIALIST IN LITTLE TOES.</h2>
-</div>
-<div  class='figcenter id007'>
-<img src='images/i_194.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Ever heard of Dr. Farley,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Doctor Farley, sir, M.D.,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Living in the street of Harley,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Street of Harley, Number Three?</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_189'></a>Years ago the simple fact is,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Simple fact is, don't you know,</div>
-      <div class='line'>He had but a tiny practice,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Tiny practice, down at Bow.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Consultations for a shilling,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>For a shilling, sir, with pills;</div>
-      <div class='line'>For this sum he e'en was willing,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Willing, sir, to cure all ills.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Pains in "tum-tums" he would cure a,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Cure a man of, in a night,</div>
-      <div class='line'>With Ip. Cac. and Aqua pura</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>(Aqua pura his delight).</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>He was, too, a skilful surgeon,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Skilful surgeon, yet his fee—</div>
-      <div class='line'>Seldom was it known to verge on,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Even verge on, two and three.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Work at this rate wasn't paying,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Wasn't paying—what surprise?</div>
-      <div class='line'>So he sold his practice, saying,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Saying, "I must specialize."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_190'></a>"That's the way to pick up money,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Pick up money, so I'm told."</div>
-      <div class='line'>So he did it. Now—it's funny,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Funny, but—he rolls in gold.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>His success himself surprises,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Much surprises, for he knows</div>
-      <div class='line'>That he only specialises,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Specialises, little toes.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_196.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>When swells in their little tootsies,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Little tootsies, suffer pain,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Unto him they bring their footsies,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Footsies, to put right again;</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>For they say, sir, "None but he, sir,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He, sir, understands the toe."</div>
-      <div class='line'>Earls and Dukes wait every day, sir,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Every day, sir, in a row.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_191'></a>This the history of Farley,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Doctor Farley, sir, M.D.,</div>
-      <div class='line'><i>Others—in the street of Harley—</i></div>
-      <div class='line in2'><i>Others like him there may be.</i></div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>There's a moral to this story,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To this story, if you're wise:</div>
-      <div class='line'>If you'd win both wealth and glory,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Wealth and glory—<span class='sc'>Specialize</span>.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_192'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>XXXVIII.<br />THAT OF JEREMIAH SCOLES, MISER.</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>I sing of joys, and junketings,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Of holly, and of such-like things;</div>
-      <div class='line'>I sing of merry mistletoe,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And,—pardon me,—I sing also</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>Of Jeremiah Scoles.</div>
-      <div class='line'>I sing of Mister Scoles because</div>
-      <div class='line'>So singular a man he was,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And had so very strange a way</div>
-      <div class='line'>Of celebrating Christmas Day—</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>Unlike all other souls.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Myself, I am a cheerful man,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Enjoying life as best I can.</div>
-      <div class='line'>At Christmas-time I love to see</div>
-      <div class='line'>The flow of mirth and jollity</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>About the festive board;</div>
-      <div class='line'>I love to dance, I <i>try</i> to sing;</div>
-      <div class='line'>On enemies, like anything,</div>
-      <div class='line'>At Christmas-time I heap hot coals,</div>
-      <div class='line'>But not so Jeremiah Scoles—</div>
-      <div class='line in6'><i>He</i> loves a miser's hoard.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_193'></a>I chanced one year, on Christmas Day,</div>
-      <div class='line'>To call upon him, just to say</div>
-      <div class='line'>That we'd be very pleased to see</div>
-      <div class='line'>Him, if he'd care to come to tea.</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>I found him quite alone.</div>
-      <div class='line'>He sat before a fireless grate;</div>
-      <div class='line'>The room looked bare and desolate,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And he, unkempt, in dressing-gown,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Received me with an angry frown,</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>And spoke in surly tone.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_199.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_194'></a>"Ha! what d'ye <i>want</i>?" said he to me</div>
-      <div class='line'>And eyed me most suspiciously.</div>
-      <div class='line'>I laughed and gave a hearty smack</div>
-      <div class='line'>Upon the grumpy fellow's back,</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>And cried: "Come home with me.</div>
-      <div class='line'>We'll treat you well. There's lots of fun—"</div>
-      <div class='line'>But ere I scarcely had begun</div>
-      <div class='line'>He cut me short. "Pooh! folly! stuff!</div>
-      <div class='line'>See <i>here</i>; I've fun—quite fun enough!"</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>He laughed, but mirthlessly.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Before him on the table lay</div>
-      <div class='line'>Gold, silver, coppers, in array;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Some empty bottles; stacks of bills;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Some boxes for containing pills—</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>And that was all. Said he:</div>
-      <div class='line'>"This gold is what I <i>haven't</i> spent</div>
-      <div class='line'>In presents; and the silver's meant</div>
-      <div class='line'>To show what <i>could</i> be wasted in—</div>
-      <div class='line'>Pah!—Christmas boxes. 'Tis a sin</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>I don't encourage—no, not me?</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"The coppers—little boys, no doubt,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Would like 'em—<i>they may go without</i>;</div>
-      <div class='line'>While these long bills I <i>should</i> have had</div>
-      <div class='line'>From tradesmen, had I been so mad</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>As to have bought the things</div>
-      <div class='line'>They represent for Christmas cheer;</div>
-      <div class='line'>These bottles and pill-boxes here</div>
-      <div class='line'>Show what I will <i>not</i> have to take,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Because I'll have <i>no</i> stomach-ache</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>That over-eating brings.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<a id='Page_195'></a><img src='images/i_201.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"And thus I spend my Christmas Day,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Thinking what silly fools are they</div>
-      <div class='line'>Who spend so much in solid cash</div>
-      <div class='line'>On so much sentimental trash.</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>And now, good-day to you!"</div>
-      <div class='line'>He showed me out, he banged the door,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And I was—where I was before.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in10'>*     *     *</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>I really think, upon my word,</div>
-      <div class='line'>His line of reasoning's most absurd.</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>No doubt you think so, too?</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_196'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>XXXIX.<br />THAT OF THE HIGH-SOULED YOUTH.</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>A year or so ago, you know,</div>
-      <div class='line'>I had a friend, at Pimlico,</div>
-      <div class='line'>For want of better name called Joe</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>(This name is not his right 'un).</div>
-      <div class='line'>He was a sweet, poetic youth,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Romantic, gallant, and in sooth</div>
-      <div class='line'>Might well be called, in very truth</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>An "Admirable Crichton."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>And oh! it grieved him sore to see</div>
-      <div class='line'>The lack,—these times,—of chivalry.</div>
-      <div class='line'>He'd now and then confide to me</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>His views upon the matter.</div>
-      <div class='line'>"Good, never <i>now</i> is done by stealth!"</div>
-      <div class='line'>He'd say, "Men ruin mind, and health</div>
-      <div class='line'>In sordid scramble after wealth;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And talk,—is idle chatter."</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<a id='Page_197'></a><img src='images/i_203.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"That simple virtue, Modesty,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Alas! it now appears to be</div>
-      <div class='line'>A valueless commodity,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Though <i>once</i> men prized it highly."</div>
-      <div class='line'>He went on thus,—like anything,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Until I heard, one day last Spring,</div>
-      <div class='line'>That he intended marrying</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The daughter of old Riley.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_198'></a>I knew the Riley girls, and thought</div>
-      <div class='line'>"Now this has turned out as it ought.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Joe is a reg'lar right good sort</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To marry 'Cinderella.'"</div>
-      <div class='line'>The younger one, (thus called by me)</div>
-      <div class='line'>A sweet good girl as e'er might be</div>
-      <div class='line'>Was poor; the elder—rich was <i>she</i>—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Her name was Arabella.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>An Aunt had left her lots of gold,</div>
-      <div class='line'>While 'Cinderella'—so I'm told,—</div>
-      <div class='line'>She left entirely in the cold</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Without a single shilling.</div>
-      <div class='line'>The elder one,—though plain to see,—</div>
-      <div class='line'>Of suitors had some two, or three;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Poor Cinderella, nobody</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To marry <i>her</i> seemed willing.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Until the noble high-souled Joe—</div>
-      <div class='line'>That Errant-knight of Pimlico—</div>
-      <div class='line'>Came forth, the world at large to show</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>That <i>he</i> at least knew better.</div>
-      <div class='line'>In spirit I before him bowed,</div>
-      <div class='line'>"To know a man like <i>that</i> I'm proud</div>
-      <div class='line'>And happy!" I remarked aloud,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And sent to him this letter.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id008'>
-<a id='Page_199'></a><img src='images/i_205.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic008'>
-<p>"ARABELLA."</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_200'></a>"<i>Dear Joe;—Wealth as you say's a trap</i></div>
-      <div class='line'><i>Gold is but dross,—not worth a rap—</i></div>
-      <div class='line'><i>How very like you—dear old chap!—</i></div>
-      <div class='line in2'><i>To marry 'Cinderella.'</i>"</div>
-      <div class='line in10'>*     *     *</div>
-      <div class='line'>He wrote:—"<i>I must expostulate,</i></div>
-      <div class='line'><i>I'm not a</i> <span class='fss'>FOOL</span> <i>at any rate</i>!</div>
-      <div class='line'><span class='sc'>Of course</span> <i>I've chosen as a mate</i></div>
-      <div class='line in2'><i>The</i> <span class='fss'>RICH</span> <i>one, Arabella</i>!"</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_201'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>XL.<br />THAT OF MR. JUSTICE DEAR'S LITTLE JOKE AND THE<br />UNFORTUNATE MAN WHO COULD NOT SEE IT.</h2>
-</div>
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_207.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Again of Mr. Justice Dear</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>My harmless numbers flowing,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Shall tell a story somewhat queer</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>About His Worship, showing,</div>
-      <div class='line'>How sensitive the legal wit.</div>
-      <div class='line'>It <i>is</i>. There is no doubt of it.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_202'></a>Before good Justice Dear one day</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A man—for some small matter,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Was hailed, and, in his own sly way</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>(The former, not the latter)</div>
-      <div class='line'>Made,—and I thought the Court would choke,—</div>
-      <div class='line'>An unpremeditated joke.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>The prosecuting Counsel roared,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The Jury giggled madly,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Only the Prisoner looked bored,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'><i>He</i> took it rather sadly.</div>
-      <div class='line'>"Why don't you laugh?" the Usher said,</div>
-      <div class='line'>The Prisoner, he shook his head.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"I cannot see," said he, "that's flat—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A fact that's most annoying,—</div>
-      <div class='line'>What everyone is laughing at,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And seemingly enjoying."</div>
-      <div class='line'>This strange remark, it reached his ear</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And irritated Justice Dear.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"When I am pleased to make a joke</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>That's <i>not</i> the way to treat it."</div>
-      <div class='line'>Thus, warningly, his Worship spoke,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"Now listen! I'll repeat it."</div>
-      <div class='line'>He did. He said it o'er and o'er.</div>
-      <div class='line'>At least a dozen times or more.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<a id='Page_203'></a><img src='images/i_209.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"Excuse me, sir," the Prisoner said,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"At <i>what</i> may you be driving?"</div>
-      <div class='line'>Good Justice Dear turned very red,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"This joke of my contriving,</div>
-      <div class='line'>If you don't see it, Sir, you ought;</div>
-      <div class='line'>If not—well—'tis contempt of Court."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>The Counsel then explained it, but</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Quite failed the point to show him;</div>
-      <div class='line'>The Usher muttered "Tut-tut-tut!"</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The Jury whispered "Blow him!"</div>
-      <div class='line'>Then several people wrote it down.</div>
-      <div class='line'>The Prisoner still wore a frown.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_204'></a>"Am I supposed to laugh at <i>that</i>?</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Why? I can't see the reason."</div>
-      <div class='line'>It was too much. His Lordship sat</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Aghast. "'Tis almost treason!</div>
-      <div class='line'>That unpremeditated joke before</div>
-      <div class='line'>Has <i>never</i> failed to raise a roar.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"Defective in morality,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Must be that man misguided,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Who fails its brilliancy to see."</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>His Lordship then decided</div>
-      <div class='line'>To send the man,—despite his tears,—</div>
-      <div class='line'>To servitude, for twenty years.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_205'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>XLI.<br />THAT OF THE LADIES OF ASCENSION ISLAND.</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>On the Island of Ascension</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>There are only ladies ten,</div>
-      <div class='line'>The remaining population</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Being officers or men.</div>
-      <div class='line'>"Dear me!" I hear you saying,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"How united they must be!"</div>
-      <div class='line'>But in this you'd be mistaken,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>As you'll very quickly see.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>For each lady on the Island</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Thinks <i>she</i> ought to take the lead</div>
-      <div class='line'>In social matters, and on this</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>They're not at all agreed.</div>
-      <div class='line'>And Mrs. Smith's told Mrs. Brown</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>She thinks her most absurd,</div>
-      <div class='line'>While others cut each other dead</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And don't exchange a word.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<a id='Page_206'></a><img src='images/i_212.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>This state of thing's been going on</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>They tell me year by year,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And the husbands have grown tired of it</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>As we should do I fear;</div>
-      <div class='line'>For connubial felicity</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Is doomed, if all our lives</div>
-      <div class='line'>Are spent in listening to the faults</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Of other people's wives.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_207'></a>Quite recently a steamer called</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>For cinnamon and spice,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And her Captain and the officers</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Were asked for their advice.</div>
-      <div class='line'>They gave it promptly. It was this—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"'Twere better you agreed,</div>
-      <div class='line'>In social matters, just to let</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The <i>eldest</i> lady lead."</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_213.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>They tried it. But—good gracious!</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>They are worse off than before,</div>
-      <div class='line'>For every lady in the place</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Is firm upon that score.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Impossible it is that age</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Shall be the final test,</div>
-      <div class='line'><i>For every one insists that she</i></div>
-      <div class='line in2'><i>Is younger than the rest</i>!</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_208'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>XLII.<br />THAT OF THE ARTICULATING SKELETON.</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>There was a worthy Doctor once</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Who unlike Mother Hubbard</div>
-      <div class='line'>Had <i>many</i> bones (a skeleton)</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Shut up within a cupboard.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>One night the worthy Doctor dreamt,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>(He'd been up rather late)</div>
-      <div class='line'>His articulated skeleton</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Did thus articulate:—</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_214.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_209'></a>"Come! Doctor, come! confess that you're a fraud</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>A very specious humbug and a sham.</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>Though meek as any lamb.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Don't glare at me! I'll tell it not abroad</div>
-      <div class='line'>But merely in <i>your</i> ears alone applaud</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>The wily artifice of pill and dram.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"<i>You</i> know as well as I do, you don't mean,</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>One half the things you tell 'our patient.' No!</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>Why, I can clearly show,</div>
-      <div class='line'>That Mrs. Gobbles' ailments are but spleen,</div>
-      <div class='line'>('Tis quite the simplest cause that e'er was seen)</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>And yet what crack-jaw names you now bestow.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"Because, forsooth, the longer you can prey</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>Upon her pocket, <i>that</i> doth please you best,</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>So, Doctor, you protest</div>
-      <div class='line'>'The case is serious,' from day to day,</div>
-      <div class='line'>'And it must run its course,' you gravely say</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>With wisest head-shake and a look distressed.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"And then those pills! Absurd you know to try</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>To gammon <i>me</i> with bolluses of bread;</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>While Aqua P. I've said,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Often, is good (if nothing else be nigh)</div>
-      <div class='line'>To drink when thirsty and our throats are dry,</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>But <i>not</i> for medicine—though coloured red.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_210'></a>"So, Doctor, when we're by ourselves alone,</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>Don't try to put on 'side' with me, good lack,</div>
-      <div class='line in6'>For I can surely track</div>
-      <div class='line'>Full many a 'fatal case' you'd fain disown.</div>
-      <div class='line'>And <i>I</i> can tell aright why you should groan</div>
-      <div class='line in6'><i>When harmless ducks in passing cry 'Quack! Quack!'</i></div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in10'>*     *     *</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>The Doctor woke. "Dear me!" said he,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"This skeleton's too wise</div>
-      <div class='line'>For me." He therefore packed it up,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And sent it off to Guy's.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_216.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_211'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>XLIII.<br />THAT OF YE LOVE-PHILTRE: AN OLD-ENGLISH LEGEND.</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Sir Peter de Wynkin</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He loved a fair mayde,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And he wooed ye fair mayde</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>For hys bride.</div>
-      <div class='line'>But ye ladye cried "no,"</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>With a toss of her head,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And Sir Wynkin</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Disconsolate sighed.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"Now out! and alas!</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And alack-a-day me!"</div>
-      <div class='line'>He sang him</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In sorrowful tones,</div>
-      <div class='line'>"She loveth me not</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Yet, beshrew me!" said he,</div>
-      <div class='line'>"There's a wizard I wot of</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Called—Jones."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_212'></a>Caldweller Ap Jones,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Was a wizard of note,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And he dwelt in a cave</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Hard at hand.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Love-philtres and potions</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He sold for a groat,</div>
-      <div class='line'>To ye rich and ye poor</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Of ye land.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Sir Wynkin, he sought</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>This same wizard straightway,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And he told him hys</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Dolorous plight.</div>
-      <div class='line'>The wizard cried, "Ha!</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>If you'll do as I say,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Thys small matter</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Can soon be set right."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"Thys potion—a love-philtre</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Made extra strong—</div>
-      <div class='line'>To ye ladye, by you,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Must be given."</div>
-      <div class='line'>"Oddzooks!" quoth Sir Wynkin.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"Ye ladye ere long</div>
-      <div class='line'>Shall receive it,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Or e'er I be shriven."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_213'></a>Ye bower was high</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Where ye fair ladye slept,</div>
-      <div class='line'>But Sir Wynkin climbed up</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>From ye basement.</div>
-      <div class='line'>By means of ye ivy</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He painfully crept,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And ye potion placed</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Outside the casement.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_219.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_214'></a>"She'll find it," quoth he,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"Ere the morrow is past.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Curiosity'll prompt her</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To drink it.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Ye magic will act,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And she'll love me at last.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Ah me! 'Tis sweet joy</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>E'en to think it."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>But alack! and alas!</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Ye endyng was sad,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Ye love-philtre caused</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Quite a commotion.</div>
-      <div class='line'>For—a toothless old grand-dame</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Ye fair ladye had,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And <i>she</i> found, and <i>she</i> drank</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Ye love potion!!</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_220.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_215'></a>Fell madly in love</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>With Sir Wynkin 'tis said,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And declared that ye Knight</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Had betrayed her.</div>
-      <div class='line'>So, distraught, from ye country</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Sir Wynkin he fled,</div>
-      <div class='line'>And he died at ye wars—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A Crusader.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_216'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>XLIV.<br />THAT OF THE BARGAIN SALE.</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>I sing of Mrs. Tomkins-Smythe,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And Mrs. Gibson-Brown;</div>
-      <div class='line'>Two ladies resident within</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>A square, near Camden Town.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Good neighbours they had been, and friends,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>For twenty years, or more;</div>
-      <div class='line'>The Tomkins-Smythes they lived at "6,"</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>The Gibson-Browns at "4."</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>'Twas in that season of the year</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>When drapers' bargain sales</div>
-      <div class='line'>Do fascinate the female mind,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And vex the married males.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>An illustrated catalogue</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Arrived at "Number 4,"</div>
-      <div class='line'>Which Mrs. Gibson-Brown took in</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To show her friend next door.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_217'></a>"My dear!" she cried in eager tones,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"<i>Such</i> bargains! Gracious me!</div>
-      <div class='line'>Here's <i>this</i> reduced from two-and-six</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>To one eleven-three!</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_223.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"And <i>those</i> which you remember, dear,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>We thought so very nice,</div>
-      <div class='line'>They're selling off at really an</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Alarming sacrifice!"</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"Those <i>remnants</i>—" Mrs. Tomkins-Smythe</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Remained to hear no more;</div>
-      <div class='line'>She jabbed her bonnet on with pins,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And hurried to the door.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_218'></a>A tram, a 'bus, the tupp'ny tube,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And they were quickly there;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And joining in the buzzing crowd</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Of other ladies fair.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>They pulled at this, they tugged at that,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>They turned and tumbled those;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And pushed, and crowded with the best,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And trod on people's toes.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>They glared at other buyers, and</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Forestalled them—when they could;</div>
-      <div class='line'>And behaved, indeed, exactly,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>As <i>at sales</i> all ladies should.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Till with heavy parcels laden,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Breathless, but with keen delight,</div>
-      <div class='line'>They beheld the remnant counter</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>("Second turning to the right.")</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>And (alas! how small a matter</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>May entirely change life's view)</div>
-      <div class='line'>Both in the self-same instant</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Saw a remnant—Navy blue.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_219'></a>They each reached out to take it.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"'Tis mine!" they both did cry.</div>
-      <div class='line'>"I saw it first, my dearest love."</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"No, darling, it was I."</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_225.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>"<i>My</i> remnant, and I'll buy it!"</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"Indeed? I think you <i>won't</i>!"</div>
-      <div class='line'>"Pooh! madame, I will have it!"</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>"I'll see, ma'am, that you don't!"</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_220'></a>And thus, and thus—oh, woesome sight—</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>They quarrelled, nor would stop</div>
-      <div class='line'>Until the shopwalker he came</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And turned them from the shop.</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line in10'>*     *     *</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>They never made the quarrel up,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And now, with icy stare,</div>
-      <div class='line'>They pass each other in the street</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>With noses in the air.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_221'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>XLV.<br />THAT OF A DECEASED FLY.<br /> <br />(A Ballade.)</h2>
-</div>
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_227.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>A little busy buzzy fly</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Before my window oft would go,</div>
-      <div class='line'>I daily saw him sailing by</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>And thought that I would like to know</div>
-      <div class='line'>More of that little fly, and oh!</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>I raised my hat, and bowed, and said,</div>
-      <div class='line'>"How do!" The fly replied, "So, so!"</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>(Alas! that little fly is dead.)</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'><a id='Page_222'></a>We grew quite friendly, he and I,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>He'd come when called—I called him Joe.—</div>
-      <div class='line'>He was a most amusing fly.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>At evening, when the sun was low,</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Or, by the firelight's ruddy glow</div>
-      <div class='line'>He'd hopscotch on my buttered bread</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Or o'er my jam, with nimble toe.</div>
-      <div class='line'>(Alas! that little fly is dead.)</div>
-    </div>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>I saved him once, when none was by;</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>From out the milk jug's fatal flow</div>
-      <div class='line'>I fished him out, and let him dry.</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>His gratitude he tried to show</div>
-      <div class='line in2'>In many ways I know, I know;</div>
-      <div class='line'><i>But</i>—when upon my bald, bald head</div>
-      <div class='line'>He gamboled, could I stand it? <i>No!</i></div>
-      <div class='line in2'><i>Alas! that little fly is dead!</i></div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_228.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-</div>
-<div>
-  <a id='Page_223'></a>
-  <h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Envoy.</span></h3>
-</div>
-
-<div class='lg-container-b c000'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>Prince. Pity, not your blame, bestow.</div>
-      <div class='line'>Remember all the tears I've shed.</div>
-      <div class='line'>What <i>could</i> I do? <i>It tickled so.</i></div>
-      <div class='line in2'>Alas! That little fly is dead.</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <a id='Page_224'></a>
-  <h2 class='c004'>EPILOGUE.</h2>
-</div>
-<div class='lg-container-b c005'>
-  <div class='linegroup'>
-    <div class='group'>
-      <div class='line'>There,—having sung in dulcet tones</div>
-      <div class='line'>Of Brown, and Robinson, and Jones,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Of poets, cannibals, and kings,</div>
-      <div class='line'>Of burglars, dukes, and such like things—</div>
-      <div class='line'>May kindly Fate our fortunes mend.</div>
-      <div class='line'>We wish you joy. This is</div>
-    </div>
-  </div>
-</div>
-
-<div  class='figcenter id001'>
-<img src='images/i_230.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' />
-<div class='ic008'>
-<p>THE END</p>
-</div>
-</div>
-<div class='chapter'>
-  <h2 class='c004'>Transcriber's Note</h2>
-</div>
-
-<p class='c012'>The original spelling and punctuation have been retained.</p>
-
-<p class='c010'>Variations in hyphenation and compound words have been
-preserved.</p>
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-<pre>
-
-
-
-
-
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