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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3374469 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #51727 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/51727) diff --git a/old/51727-h.zip b/old/51727-h.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 500b5f6..0000000 --- a/old/51727-h.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/51727-h/51727-h.htm b/old/51727-h/51727-h.htm deleted file mode 100644 index cba40bd..0000000 --- a/old/51727-h/51727-h.htm +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1627 +0,0 @@ -<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" - "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> -<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> - <head> - <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=us-ascii" /> - <meta http-equiv="Content-Style-Type" content="text/css" /> - <title> - The Project Gutenberg eBook of Satisfaction Guaranteed, by Joy Leache. - </title> - <link rel="coverpage" href="images/cover.jpg" /> - - <style type="text/css"> - -body { - margin-left: 10%; - margin-right: 10%; -} - - h1,h2 { - text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ - clear: both; -} - -p { - margin-top: .51em; - text-align: justify; - margin-bottom: .49em; -} - -hr { - width: 33%; - margin-top: 2em; - margin-bottom: 2em; - margin-left: 33.5%; - margin-right: 33.5%; - clear: both; -} - -hr.chap {width: 65%; margin-left: 17.5%; margin-right: 17.5%;} -hr.tb {width: 45%; margin-left: 27.5%; margin-right: 27.5%;} - -.center {text-align: center;} - -.right {text-align: right;} - -.caption {font-weight: bold;} - -/* Images */ -.figcenter { - margin: auto; - text-align: center; -} - -div.titlepage { - text-align: center; - page-break-before: always; - page-break-after: always; -} - -div.titlepage p { - text-align: center; - text-indent: 0em; - font-weight: bold; - line-height: 1.5; - margin-top: 3em; -} - -.ph1, .ph2, .ph3, .ph4 { text-align: center; text-indent: 0em; font-weight: bold; } -.ph1 { font-size: xx-large; margin: .67em auto; } -.ph2 { font-size: x-large; margin: .75em auto; } -.ph3 { font-size: large; margin: .83em auto; } -.ph4 { font-size: medium; margin: 1.12em auto; } - - - </style> - </head> -<body> - - -<pre> - -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Satisfaction Guaranteed, by Joy Leache - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Satisfaction Guaranteed - -Author: Joy Leache - -Release Date: April 10, 2016 [EBook #51727] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SATISFACTION GUARANTEED *** - - - - -Produced by Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - -</pre> - - -<div class="figcenter"> - <img src="images/cover.jpg" width="385" height="500" alt=""/> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<div class="titlepage"> -<h1>Satisfaction Guaranteed</h1> - -<p>By JOY LEACHE</p> - -<p>Illustrated by GAUGHAN</p> - -<p>[Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from<br /> -Galaxy Magazine December 1961.<br /> -Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that<br /> -the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.]</p> - -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p class="ph3"><i>Interstellar trouble-shooting is the<br /> -easiest work there is. All you need is<br /> -brains, energy—and a steno with nice legs!</i></p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p>Andrew Stephens was trying to think of two things at once, and it -wasn't working out. An inspirational message (delivered by Crumbly, -president of Planetary Promotions, Inc.) was mixing itself up in his -mind with the probable difficulties of his first company assignment.</p> - -<p>He hoped he was thinking, and not worrying. Crumbly said worry was -fatal in the promotion business. It was fervor, not fret, Crumbly said, -that had made Planetary Promotions, Inc., what it was today. And it -was work, not worry, that would make it what it was destined to be -tomorrow.</p> - -<p>Andy Stephens stared at the farthest corner of his office (about four -feet from his nose) and sighed. He didn't have a slogan in his body, -let alone on (or off) the top of his head.</p> - -<p>His assignment was an easy one, Crumbly had assured him. Planetary -Promotions always started new men off with easy ones. Only fair.</p> - -<p>Andy squared his narrowish shoulders in as close an imitation of -Crumbly's desk-side manner as he could, and picked up the dope sheet.</p> - -<p>It seemed there was a planet, Felix II, somewhere near the edge of -nowhere. It wanted to join the Galactic Federation.</p> - -<p>A laudable desire, Andy thought, but strictly a political matter, -having nothing to do with Planetary Promotions, or Andrew Stephens.</p> - -<p>However, it also seemed that a planet had to demonstrate that it would -be contributing something to the Federation before it was allowed to -join. In other words, Andy thought, you have to have something they -want, or they won't let you in.</p> - -<p>A buzzer squawked out of the dun-colored box on his desk. Andy jumped, -and flipped the lever.</p> - -<p>"The bus to the port will be at the door in seven minutes," the grim -voice of the Lower Office Co-ordinator told him. "A stenographer will -meet you on the ship."</p> - -<p>"Thank you, Miss Ellis," Andy said meekly. He stuffed the dope sheet -into his jacket and left the Main Office for Felix II.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>"Excuse me," said a feminine voice. "Are you with Planetary Promotions?"</p> - -<p>Andy looked up. A sandy-haired girl with a passable figure and nice -legs was looking down at him. "Yes," he said. "I'm Andy Stephens."</p> - -<p>The girl looked relieved. "I'm Edith Featherpenny from the steno pool," -she said. "I was afraid I wouldn't be able to find you."</p> - -<p>"Sit down," Andy invited.</p> - -<p>He moved, and Miss Featherpenny moved. Between them, they unsettled a -large woman eating an orange. When the juice had been mopped up and the -woman apologized to, Miss Featherpenny squeezed in beside Andy.</p> - -<p>"Is that the information on the case?" She indicated the dope sheet -crumpled under Andy's arm.</p> - -<p>"Yes." Andy tried to pull it out. "Were you issued one?" He moved his -elbow and tried again.</p> - -<p>The orange woman glared at him.</p> - -<p>Miss Featherpenny shook her head. "Miss Ellis told me you'd tell me -everything I needed to know."</p> - -<p>Andy felt obscurely flattered. "It doesn't look too promising," he -admitted.</p> - -<p>Miss Featherpenny glanced at the dope sheet and found a ray of hope. -"The Federation only requires that the Felician exports are nearly as -valuable as their imports," she pointed out. "'Nearly' is a nice vague, -maneuverable word."</p> - -<p>"But," said Andy, "if the Felicians can't think of anything to sell, -how do they expect me to?"</p> - -<p>"Maybe they're too isolated to know what's in demand," Miss -Featherpenny comforted him. "It says they won't authorize ships to -land on the planet except by invitation."</p> - -<p>"It might be isolation, I suppose," Andy doubted. He felt an urge to -confide in Miss Featherpenny. She did, after all, look as if there -might be something besides fluff in her head.</p> - -<p>"Look," he said. "This is my first assignment, on my fourth job, on my -second career. I've got to make good. My father is beginning to get -impatient."</p> - -<p>Miss Featherpenny's eyes grew softer. "Fathers are usually more patient -than their children think," she encouraged.</p> - -<p>"But," Andy added morosely, "I have a brother, a salesman with -Universal Products. He keeps getting promoted, and I keep getting -fired. Dad must be conscious of the contrast."</p> - -<p>"Maybe," Miss Featherpenny suggested, "your brother's been lucky. You -know, being assigned jobs that were easier than they sound."</p> - -<p>Andy glanced at her to see if he was being humored. He decided he -was not, or not much. "I've tried to believe that," he admitted. -"Unfortunately, Lloyd keeps proving me wrong. He got his last promotion -for selling fancy food products to the Mahridgians."</p> - -<p>Miss Featherpenny had obviously never even heard of Mahridge.</p> - -<p>"They have a strong taboo against eating," Andy explained. "They -swallow concentrates to keep alive, but it's still not quite decent. On -Mahridge, it's the dining room, not the bathroom, that has a door with -a lock on it for privacy.</p> - -<p>"Is he married?" asked Miss Featherpenny, who didn't intend to be a -steno all her life. "I mean," she added quickly, "his wife would get -anxious about his selling something like that, that could get him put -in prison, or killed. How did he do it?"</p> - -<p>There was a certain coolness in Andy's voice. "He took a lead from the -dope peddlers. He converted the adolescent Mahridgians first. It's all -right to eat on Mahridge now."</p> - -<p>Miss Featherpenny diplomatized. "I don't think that's ethical. -Convincing people to do what they think is wrong."</p> - -<p>Andy was still suspicious. He said, "Ethical or not, he got the -promotion."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>They stood at the edge of the only launching pad on Felix II, and -surveyed the landscape. Thirty feet away, there was a barnsized stone -building with a weedy roof. Aside from some rounded blue hills in the -distance, and a Felician leaning against the building, there was not -much to detain the eye.</p> - -<p>Miss Featherpenny giggled softly in surprise. "He looks like a -leprechaun," she said. "The sheet didn't say that."</p> - -<p>"Tourist trade," Andy breathed, his eyes gleaming with the solution of -his problem.</p> - -<p>Since the two-foot-tall welcoming committee showed no signs of moving, -they started toward him.</p> - -<p>"My name," Andy said in Galactic, "is Andrew Stephens. I'm here from -Planetary Promotions."</p> - -<p>"I know," the Felician muttered ungraciously. "I came out from town to -meet you. My name is Blahrog. Who's this?"</p> - -<p>"My steno, Miss Featherpenny."</p> - -<p>"Urk." Obviously Blahrog had never heard the term "steno" and -was interpreting it freely. "I'm in charge of our admission to -the Federation. That means I'm in charge of you." He eyed Andy -unenthusiastically. "You haven't had much experience with this kind of -thing, have you?"</p> - -<p>Andy had a wild rush of hope. If the Felician government rejected him -as a representative, he could go home without a failure on his record, -and pray for a simpler assignment. Even P. P. didn't consider an agent -responsible for the unpredictable whims of aliens.</p> - -<p>"No, I haven't," he replied cheerfully. "I was hoping maybe you had."</p> - -<p>Miss Featherpenny, who hadn't read the contract, gasped.</p> - -<p>Blahrog, who had read the contract, replied, "I haven't. Let's get on -into town where we can discuss the possibilities in comfort."</p> - -<p>They set out, walking unequally through the thick white dust that -passed for paving on Felix II.</p> - -<p>"Don't you use ground cars?" Miss Featherpenny choked at the end of the -first half-mile.</p> - -<p>"Don't have technology," Blahrog growled, stumping grimly along. "The -Everking has a car, but he doesn't use it much. No fuel."</p> - -<p>As he walked, Andy composed a speech on the merits of the tourist -business, to be delivered to the Everking.</p> - -<p>Miss Featherpenny grew visibly more depressed with each mile. She -uttered an involuntary cry when the guard of the city gate appeared -with a slender mug in each hand.</p> - -<p>"Felician ladies don't drink," Blahrog said gruffly.</p> - -<p>"I can fetch you a glass of water," the guard offered, without -enthusiasm.</p> - -<p>"Thank you," said Miss Featherpenny, with an attempt at sincerity.</p> - -<p>The contents of his mug made Andy choke. "Tastes something like -cider," he gasped.</p> - -<p>Blahrog downed his without a wink. "It's customary to give a guest a -mug of Throatduster as a sign of gratitude because he walked so far in -the dust."</p> - -<p>"In this dust," Miss Featherpenny murmured to her second glass of -water, "any distance is far."</p> - -<p>"Thoughtful custom," Andy said quickly. "Could you export the beverage?"</p> - -<p>"Sell Throatduster?" Blahrog was indignant. "It would be a breach of -hospitality. Besides, Felix II can't produce enough second-rate stuff, -let alone first-rate. Sometimes, in a bad year, we have to greet guests -with water."</p> - -<p>"What a pity," said Miss Featherpenny.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>She became increasingly unsympathetic as Andy swallowed another -Throatduster at the door of the Palace (a one-story building similar -to a small barn), and yet another in the presence of the Everking (an -eighteen-inch Felician with a beard-warmed paunch).</p> - -<p>Andy watched the Everking dim and blur on his wooden throne. Swaying -slightly, he muttered, "I wonder what proof this stuff is?"</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<div class="figcenter"> - <img src="images/illus.jpg" width="375" height="500" alt=""/> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p>"In short, Mr. Stephens," Blahrog was translating, "we cannot think -of a single product which we could sell. Have you any immediate -suggestions?"</p> - -<p>Blahrog's expression indicated that he ought to say something, but -Andy couldn't think of a thing, except that he didn't need any more -Throatduster. "No," he said firmly, if faintly. "Thank you very much, -but no." He passed out cold.</p> - -<p>"I'm afraid the journey was too much for him," Miss Featherpenny put in.</p> - -<p>"Ah, yes," Blahrog translated for the Everking. "Throatduster has that -effect on some life forms. Perhaps he had better retire, and discuss -the situation more fully tomorrow."</p> - -<p>The Everking motioned to a pair of stout-looking guards (thirty inches -tall, at least). They towed Miss Featherpenny's immediate superior out -of the royal presence.</p> - -<p>"They will show him to his room," Blahrog explained.</p> - -<p>The Everking let loose a quick stream of Felician.</p> - -<p>"Would you," Blahrog addressed Miss Featherpenny, "enjoy meeting my -daughter? The Everking suggests it, since our affairs could hardly be -of interest to you."</p> - -<p>"I'd be very pleased." The words were not empty ones. Edith -Featherpenny's education in coping with men had not extended to -Felician males. Blahrog frightened her with a feeling of superior and -incomprehensible intelligence.</p> - -<p>Hrom, although seventeen inches tall and weighing perhaps eleven -pounds, was definitely feminine and comprehensible.</p> - -<p>"Why don't women drink Throatduster?" Miss Featherpenny asked, on the -strength of a two-hour acquaintance.</p> - -<p>"The men grow the grain here," Hrom explained, "and it's theirs as long -as it's in the fields. However, we consider harvesting women's work. We -also make the Throatduster. Then we sell it to the men. We don't drink -because it is uneconomical."</p> - -<p>"Does everyone grow his own grain?"</p> - -<p>"Not any more. Town women have other sources of dress money. The custom -started that way, that's all."</p> - -<p>"If you'll forgive my saying so," Miss Featherpenny remarked, "that -dress you are wearing must have taken a big chunk out of your pocket."</p> - -<p>Hrom sighed. "In my mother's time, I would have thought nothing of it. -Now, one such gown is all I can afford."</p> - -<p>"I would have thought your father was one of the wealthier men on Felix -II," Miss Featherpenny remarked.</p> - -<p>"He is <i>the</i> wealthiest," Hrom said. "The richest man is always -Minister of Finance. It's only reasonable." Her tone changed. "We're -all poor now, since the tourist industry failed. It took every dnot we -had to pay for the contract."</p> - -<p>Invisible antennae shot from Miss Featherpenny's forehead. "You must -be quite sure that Planetary Promotions won't fail you." She tried her -best to sound casual.</p> - -<p>Hrom smiled faintly. "Have another of these seed cakes," she said.</p> - -<p>"Thank you. They are delicious." Miss Featherpenny took one, regardless -of calories. "Of course, there is the guarantee clause: 'Double your -money back.'"</p> - -<p>Hrom busily fluffed a cushion. "One must have some insurance," she -said, having her turn at sounding casual. "Tell me, are they wearing -large or small hats on Earth this season?"</p> - -<p>Miss Featherpenny conceded defeat. "It's all bonnets for summer," she -said.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Her first impulse was to tell Andy that she thought the Felicians -had bought the guarantee clause, not the contract. It died at her -first sight of the morning-after Andy. The situation must be pretty -desperate, she rationalized, when the wealthiest girl on the planet -has only one dress. This is probably their last chance.</p> - -<p>Andy tried to conceal his headache by being brisk and efficient. "Have -you considered your natural resources?"</p> - -<p>Blahrog, slow and shrewdly inefficient, said, "We mine soft coal. -Enough for our own fires and to spare."</p> - -<p>"No one within a hundred light-years of Felix II uses coal for fuel -anymore," Andy said gently. "Do you have enough for the plastic -industries?"</p> - -<p>"We have four freighters surplus every season." Blahrog was evidently -banking heavily on the coal.</p> - -<p>Andy wondered if coal were the only surplus on Felix II. "What are you -doing with your surplus at present?" he inquired tactfully, hoping -that Blahrog would realize, without being told, the impossibility of -supporting the population of Felix II on four freighters of soft coal.</p> - -<p>"We store it up," was the crafty answer, "and sell it to the synthetics -plants on Darius IV when the Ionian miners go on strike."</p> - -<p>"How long since the Ionians struck?" If this economic event occurred -regularly, the coal surplus could assist in meeting the Federation's -requirements.</p> - -<p>"Twenty seasons or so." Blahrog's tone was off-handed, but his eyes -slid guiltily toward Andy and away again.</p> - -<p>Andy sighed. "Any other resources?"</p> - -<p>They went quickly through minerals, agricultural products and animal -skins; established that Felicians could not teleport, levitate or read -minds. They were technologically uneducated, and had no industry on the -factory-system level.</p> - -<p>"It is coal or nothing, Mr. Stephens," Blahrog said with finality. -"Isn't there some way to make the Federation believe that our coal is -superior to other coal, and worth more?"</p> - -<p>"Do you, perchance, own a sizable proportion of Felician coal reserves?"</p> - -<p>Blahrog nodded, guilty looking again.</p> - -<p>"Well, forget it. There isn't enough."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The Everking, who had been holding Andy's translator to his ear in -silence, burst into speech.</p> - -<p>"His Foreverness says," Blahrog remarked cannily, "that it appears -impossible for Felix II to join the Federation."</p> - -<p>"We aren't through yet," Andy said quickly. "What about the tourist -industry? If you'd allow visitors and advertise a little...."</p> - -<p>"No," the Everking shouted, in Galactic.</p> - -<p>"We tried that during the last reign," Blahrog said. "It didn't work."</p> - -<p>"You're pretty far off the shipping lanes, I'll admit," Andy said, -"but surely you could attract enough tourists from somewhere to show a -profit."</p> - -<p>"We showed a profit," Blahrog said morosely.</p> - -<p>He translated a remark of the Everking's. "We made money hand over -fist."</p> - -<p>"Then why did you quit?" Andy was baffled. "Why did you restrict the -planet?"</p> - -<p>"Because of the way we happen to look."</p> - -<p>"Like leprechauns," Miss Featherpenny explained. "And Hrom looks -exactly like a little Christmas fairy."</p> - -<p>Blahrog winced. "The tourists found us amusing. We weren't real to -them. It became difficult for us to seem real to ourselves. Most of -my generation couldn't grow up. The birth rate dropped. We closed the -planet to keep the race alive. That's all there is to it."</p> - -<p>"Surely," Andy protested, "if you handled it differently...."</p> - -<p>"Tourists," Blahrog translated for the Everking, "are out of the -question."</p> - -<p>"I remember hearing about an intelligent life form that resembled -teddy bears," Miss Featherpenny said thoughtfully. "Everybody loved -them on sight."</p> - -<p>"What happened to them?" Blahrog asked with interest.</p> - -<p>"They became extinct."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Andy glared at her. How could he accomplish anything with a stupid -steno butting in? She looked away, guilty.</p> - -<p>"It's such a simple solution," he said. "It fits your situation -perfectly."</p> - -<p>"That's what we thought, until we tried it," Blahrog said, grinning -sidelong at Miss Featherpenny.</p> - -<p>"If you won't try tourists," Andy snapped at both of them, "I don't see -exactly what you can do."</p> - -<p>"Maybe you didn't cover everything in the special abilities list," Miss -Featherpenny suggested softly.</p> - -<p>Andy glared at her again. "All right, Blahrog. Can you think of -anything you can do that most other species can't?"</p> - -<p>Blahrog looked at the floor and considered. "We can walk a long way -without getting tired," he offered.</p> - -<p>Andy sighed, and wrote "Endurance?" on his scratch pad. It was scarcely -saleable. "Is there anything else? Anything you know how to make? -Besides Throatduster."</p> - -<p>"We make good shoes," Blahrog said hopefully. "The tourists used to buy -lots of them."</p> - -<p>"Hum," Andy cogitated. "Here we have something for which a market -already exists. If we can expand the market and the production -facilities...." He nailed Blahrog with a finger, in conscious imitation -of Crumbly. "How many pairs of shoes can Felix II produce in a single -season?"</p> - -<p>"If the reserves were called in to the Cobbler's Guild, it would be -almost half the manpower of the planet...." Blahrog paused, doing -mental arithmetic. "Four and a half million pairs, more or less." He -sounded as though he were surprised.</p> - -<p>"That ought to do it," Andy said gleefully.</p> - -<p>"But where will we find that many pairs of feet?" Blahrog asked.</p> - -<p>"There are eight million times that many pairs of feet in the -Federation," Andy said. "Leave the advertising to Planetary Promotions."</p> - -<p>"It seems sort of poetic," Miss Featherpenny romanced. "Leprechauns are -supposed to be cobblers."</p> - -<p>Blahrog snorted.</p> - -<p>Andy turned and addressed her from the full distance between a promoter -third class and a girl from the steno pool. "Miss Featherpenny, I will -ask for your opinion when I want it."</p> - -<p>Miss Featherpenny answered from her side of the gulf. "Yes, sir."</p> - -<p>Andy had always despised rank-pullers. He turned to Blahrog "I'll have -to send the dope back to the Home Office so they can put it through the -computer and send me the ad-intensity index."</p> - -<p>Blahrog looked a polite enquiry.</p> - -<p>"That will tell us how effective the ad campaign will have to be to -make a go of this. What's the fastest way to send a message to Earth?"</p> - -<p>"Radiogram the satellite station," Blahrog answered. "They'll relay it -to the next ship within range, and the ship will relay it to the next -planet it nears with the radiogram facilities to send it to Earth."</p> - -<p>"How long will it take to get an answer?" Andy asked.</p> - -<p>"About twelve days."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>They didn't stare at the sky while they waited for the answer.</p> - -<p>Blahrog called the members of the Cobbler's Guild together, and -delivered a series of lectures on their importance to the future of -Felix II.</p> - -<p>Foreseeing a return to political and economic power, the reserve -members dusted off their lasts and aprons and got back into practice. -For the first time in nearly thirty seasons, the applications for -apprenticeship were too numerous to handle. New life showed on their -faces.</p> - -<p>The Master Cobblers (including the Everking and Blahrog) worked around -the clock, fabricating plastic lasts. Miss Featherpenny and Hrom dug -pictures and descriptions of the various types of Galactic feet that -habitually or occasionally wore shoes out of old periodicals, located -by members of the newly-organized ladies' auxiliary.</p> - -<p>Felix II was humming, if not absolutely singing, with industry and -good humor. Some of it rubbed off on Andy. He relented toward Miss -Featherpenny to the extent of presenting her with a pair of Felician -shoes, fabricated by the Everking. They were of the sensible walking -variety, and not Miss Featherpenny's style. Nevertheless, she was -extremely pleased with the gift. Like all Felician shoes, they fit her -perfectly.</p> - -<p>The Everking, backed by his Debators and ministers, issued public -thanks to one Andrew Stephens, restorer of hope, and propagator -of economic equality. The ladies' auxiliary gave a tea in Miss -Featherpenny's honor. They were both showered with gifts from a -grateful and admiring populace.</p> - -<p>The reply to the message was signed by Crumbly himself. "Forlorn hope," -it said unsympathetically. "Try something else. Computer indicates ad -intensity of 0.94."</p> - -<p>An ad intensity of 0.0001 means you sell someone something he wants -anyway. An intensity of 1.0 means you have to make the consumer love -something he thinks he hates.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Andy sent a young Felician on the run for Blahrog, and retired to the -storeroom of Blahrog's dwelling, which housed two fair-sized plastic -barrels of Throatduster.</p> - -<p>"But you have to try," Blahrog insisted, finishing his second mug of -hospitality.</p> - -<p>"Snow good," Andy said, deep into his fifth. "Even Gray Flannel, ad man -in legend, only got to 0.87. Simpossible."</p> - -<p>Blahrog, who knew little about advertising or computers, repeated, -"You must try. No member of the Cobbler's Guild has ever quit without -trying."</p> - -<p>Andy had been accepted as an apprentice of the Guild the night before.</p> - -<p>"Dunno," he said. "Tell you simpossible."</p> - -<p>Blahrog climbed off the barrel of Throatduster. "I'll go get Miss -Featherpenny," he said. "Perhaps she can help you."</p> - -<p>"Miss Featherpenny. Bah," Andy snorted. "What good would she be? Dumb -steno." He tried to be fair. "Nice legs, I admit. But no brains."</p> - -<p>"I'll go get Miss Featherpenny," Blahrog repeated firmly, closing the -door behind him....</p> - -<p>"What frame of mind is he in?" Miss Featherpenny looked uncertainly at -the heavy door to Andy's store room.</p> - -<p>"Drunk," Blahrog informed her coldly.</p> - -<p>It takes an enormous quantity of Throatduster to intoxicate a Felician. -Intoxication is therefore considered bad form.</p> - -<p>"And belligerent," the Minister of Finance added.</p> - -<p>"Oh, dear." Miss Featherpenny looked at the door again. "But what can I -do?" she asked in a helpless voice. "I'm not a promoter."</p> - -<p>"He said," Blahrog indicated the door, "that you were a dumb steno."</p> - -<p>"Well!" Hrom exclaimed.</p> - -<p>Miss Featherpenny's hackles invisibly rose. Her mouth visibly -tightened. She turned away from the door.</p> - -<p>Hrom said, "You ought to try to show him."</p> - -<p>Miss Featherpenny looked at them, and at the surrounding examples of -Felician landscape and architecture.</p> - -<p>"Mr. Blahrog," she said suddenly, "you don't mind looking like a -leprechaun, do you? As long as you don't have to meet people?"</p> - -<p>Blahrog's silence was more than dignified.</p> - -<p>"What do you mean?" Hrom asked.</p> - -<p>"You wouldn't mind if we used a picture of a Master Cobbler in the ad, -would you?"</p> - -<p>Blahrog thawed abruptly. "You have an idea?"</p> - -<p>"If you don't mind the picture."</p> - -<p>"He doesn't mind," Hrom said, adding in Felician, "After all, Papa, we -don't have to let any ships but the freighters land."</p> - -<p>"Go ahead, then," Blahrog consented.</p> - -<p>"Good luck," Hrom added.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>"You," Andy welcomed her. "Bah." He shut his eyes. Most of him was -sprawled out on the floor.</p> - -<p>"Yes, me," Miss Featherpenny agreed, repressing an inclination to kick -him. She sat down on one of the kegs, and opened her stenographer's -book. "I came to take down the ad for the shoes," she announced.</p> - -<p>"What ad?" Andy moaned. "The newest, biggest, brightest ads can't get -over an 0.62. How can I manage an 0.94? You're crazy." He opened his -eyes. "But you do have nice legs."</p> - -<p>"Felix II is sort of quaint," Miss Featherpenny suggested. "Why not use -an old ad?"</p> - -<p>"An idea," Andy enunciated, without hope.</p> - -<p>"It's sort of pretty too," Miss Featherpenny nudged.</p> - -<p>"We could use a color picture of it," Andy said, kicking thoughtfully -at an overturned stool.</p> - -<p>"The Felicians are quaint looking, too."</p> - -<p>"Sure," Andy said. "Put a Felician in the foreground, cobbling." He -tried to sit up.</p> - -<p>"I've seen ads like that in history books," Miss Featherpenny said, -exuding admiration.</p> - -<p>"It's so old it's new," Andy said, lying down again. "Old English -lettering over the top. A real cliche." He considered Miss -Featherpenny's ankle. "Peaceful scenery, Felician shoes?"</p> - -<p>"Not quite," said Miss Featherpenny.</p> - -<p>"Quiet field, Felician shoes?"</p> - -<p>"Nope," said Miss Featherpenny.</p> - -<p>"You're an aggravating woman," Andy said sweetly, "but you do have nice -legs."</p> - -<p>"What about Elysian fields?" Miss Featherpenny suggested.</p> - -<p>Andy tasted it. "Elysian fields, Felician shoes." He tried to sit up -again. "You got all that down?" he demanded.</p> - -<p>"Yes," Miss Featherpenny lied. She had it in her head, but not on the -steno pad.</p> - -<p>"Then get somebody to send it off so we can find out if it's good -enough. And come back soon." He wobbled on his elbow. "You do have...."</p> - -<p>"I think I'd better attend to sending it personally." Miss Featherpenny -opened the door. "You rest until you feel better."</p> - -<p>Blahrog had gone, but Hrom was waiting for her. She looked more like a -Christmas fairy than usual. A mischievous one.</p> - -<p>"Did you manage?" she whispered.</p> - -<p>"Barely." Miss Featherpenny looked grim.</p> - -<p>"Drink this," Hrom ordered, holding out a mug of Throatduster.</p> - -<p>Miss Featherpenny was surprised. "I thought ladies didn't drink on -Felix II."</p> - -<p>"There are," Hrom said, "exceptions."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The next twelve days of waiting for computer results were not as -hopefully active as the first twelve. The Felicians finished setting up -their manufacturing and storing systems, but they didn't start making -shoes. The cattle drovers forbore to slaughter the beasts who provided -the leather.</p> - -<p>The Everking and his Debators all developed severe cases of -beard-itch, a Felician nervous disorder. Since it is even more unseemly -to scratch on Felix II than it is on Earth, they retired temporarily -from public life.</p> - -<p>Andy also retired from public life, biting his fingernails, an Earther -nervous disorder. Blahrog joined him in the illness, which was new to -Felicians. By the time the answer from Planetary Promotions came it was -the most fashionable habit on the planet, in spite of the fact that -Felicians have extremely tough nails, and a pair of bony ridges rather -than true teeth.</p> - -<p>The second message was also direct from Crumbly. It read: "Computer -rates ad campaign at intensity 0.942. P. P. in action by the time you -receive this. Stephens ordered back to Home Office; promoted to first -class."</p> - -<p>Four Earth months later, Miss Featherpenny entered Andy's ten by twelve -office, her high heels clicking on the plastic tiles, and laid a -memorandum on the new steel desk.</p> - -<p>"They've been admitted," she announced.</p> - -<p>"What? Who?" Andy said irritably. There were times when he thought her -position as his private secretary had gone to her head.</p> - -<p>"Felix II has been admitted to the Federation. The contract has been -fulfilled." She smiled brightly. "Shall I mark the file closed?"</p> - -<p>"Can't yet," Andy said. "Felix II won't be a permanent member of the -Federation until they've been self-supporting for ten years."</p> - -<p>"Why?" asked Miss Featherpenny.</p> - -<p>"It's a precautionary measure," Andy began to explain. "Oh, let's go -get some lunch and forget Felix II."</p> - -<p>"Yes, Mr. Stephens," Miss Featherpenny said meekly.</p> - -<p>He followed her out the door, admiring the effect of her plastic skirt. -She did have nice legs....</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Three years later, Edith Featherpenny was forced to remember Felix II. -There was a communication on her mock-baroque desk. Felician shoes -weren't selling. Felix II wasn't making enough money. The Galactic -Federation was threatening to take steps.</p> - -<p>She glanced at the impressive door to the inner office. Andy, she knew, -was engaged in reading a letter from his brother Lloyd, who had just -been promoted to vice-president of Universal Products.</p> - -<p>She judiciously forged his initials on an order to put data on the -Felix II failure through the computer.</p> - -<p>In an hour and a half she had the answer. The Felicians hadn't changed -the styles, and their shoes didn't wear out. Everybody had a pair.</p> - -<p>She considered the door again. There was really little sense in -disturbing Andy over such a simple matter. She forged his name on a -message to Blahrog. "Change the styles of your shoes."</p> - -<p>She then picked up some carefully selected problem sheets from the top -of the filing cabinet, and went through the impressive door.</p> - -<p>The next morning, Blahrog's answer was on her desk.</p> - -<p>"Felician shoes are of the cut most suited to the feet that wear them. -To change them would be both foolish and unethical."</p> - -<p>It was a good thing, Miss Featherpenny thought, that Andy was feeling -better today. She went into his office, padding softly over the carpet -to his contemporary prestwood desk.</p> - -<p>"Good morning, Edie," Andy said cheerfully. "What happened? Lightning -strike you?"</p> - -<p>"Practically," Miss Featherpenny said. "It's Felix II again." She -handed over the sheaf of papers.</p> - -<p>"Why didn't you tell me about this yesterday?" Andy muttered, reading -them.</p> - -<p>"I thought I could handle it." Miss Featherpenny made a face. "Until I -got that answer this morning."</p> - -<p>"It sounds like typical Felician thinking," Andy said. "There's no -sense trying to argue by mail." He sighed. "You'd better reserve a -first-class passage for me on the first ship out."</p> - -<p>"Can't I go?" Miss Featherpenny asked.</p> - -<p>"Who'd run the office?"</p> - -<p>"The stenos can stack stuff until we get back." Miss Featherpenny -looked wistful. "I was in on the beginning of it. I want to see it -through. Besides, I'd like to see Hrom again."</p> - -<p>"Oh, all right," Andy agreed. "Make it two first class."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Blahrog was waiting on the long porch of the space port dining room.</p> - -<p>"Have a nice trip?" he asked.</p> - -<p>"What's all this about not changing the shoe styles?" Andy countered.</p> - -<p>"As I told you in the message," Blahrog said impatiently, "We make our -shoes in the best possible shapes for the feet that will wear them. -There isn't any good reason to change them."</p> - -<p>"You can't sell people two pairs of identical shoes," Andy insisted.</p> - -<p>"You might be able to sell them if you changed them," Miss Featherpenny -added, sounding reasonable.</p> - -<p>"Save your arguments for the Everking," Blahrog said. "Come on to the -car."</p> - -<p>"Car?" Miss Featherpenny exclaimed. "The Everking's?"</p> - -<p>"No, mine." Blahrog couldn't keep the pride out of his voice. "There -are nearly two hundred cars on Felix II."</p> - -<p>Andy went over the same ground in the presence of the Everking. It -didn't help. The Everking, his minister and his Debators were solidly -against changing the shoes. The ethics of the Cobblers' Guild were -involved.</p> - -<p>"If you won't follow Planetary Promotions' advice," he said at last, -"the company can't be responsible for the outcome." He glared at the -assembly. "In other words, the guarantee clause is cancelled."</p> - -<p>There was an indignant and concerned buzz from the audience. Blahrog -got up.</p> - -<p>"Your Foreverness," he said, "honorable members of the government, Mr. -Stephens. Three Earth years ago, Felix II gathered together all the -money the government could find, and bought a contract with Planetary -Promotions." He paused and shuffled his feet. "We did not expect the -contract to be fulfilled. We needed money, and two for one would keep -us going while we attempted to educate the young to be immune to the -tourists. Of course, if Planetary Promotions found a way for us to be -self-supporting without tourists, we would be equally pleased."</p> - -<p>"I thought so," Miss Featherpenny murmured.</p> - -<p>"Really," Andy said. "Why didn't you let me in on it?"</p> - -<p>Blahrog cleared his throat to indicate that he wasn't through. "Since -a way was found," he continued, "Felician self respect and content has -increased along with Felician prosperity." He glanced uneasily at Andy. -"We would like to continue as we are going."</p> - -<p>"Unless you change the styles," Andy said flatly, "that is impossible."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Miss Featherpenny, realizing that they were starting over the same -ground, slipped out the door and walked over to visit Hrom.</p> - -<p>"So Papa admitted it," Hrom said, after Miss Featherpenny had admired -the baby, and been shown over the house. "I almost told you myself, -when I first met you."</p> - -<p>"You told me enough to let me guess the rest," Miss Featherpenny said.</p> - -<p>"Have some olgan seed cakes," Hrom offered. "Why didn't you tell Mr. -Stephens?"</p> - -<p>Miss Featherpenny took a cake. "Partly because of his almighty -attitude, and partly because I was on your.... Ow!" She clapped a hand -hastily to her jaw.</p> - -<p>"What's wrong?" Hrom asked, alarmed.</p> - -<p>"Broke a tooth," Miss Featherpenny muttered, her face contorted.</p> - -<p>"Does it hurt much?" Hrom's question was part sympathy and part -curiosity.</p> - -<p>Miss Featherpenny nodded. "I'll have to find a dentist right away."</p> - -<p>"What's a dentist?"</p> - -<p>"Man who fixes your teeth."</p> - -<p>"But we don't have teeth," Hrom said.</p> - -<p>"I forgot," Miss Featherpenny moaned. "Oh, Lord, I guess I'll have to -go all the way back to Earth."</p> - -<p>Hrom shook her head. "There are a lot of Earthers living on Darius IV. -They must have a dentist. There's a ship every morning."</p> - -<p>"Fine," Miss Featherpenny gasped.</p> - -<p>"Can I get you something for the pain? Would an aspirtran help?"</p> - -<p>"I'd better have two. Thanks."</p> - -<p>"Here. Take the bottle with you." Hrom was frowning worriedly. "My, I'm -glad we don't have teeth."</p> - -<p>"I'll have to tell Andy—Mr. Stephens—that I'm leaving."</p> - -<p>Inspiration dawned on Hrom's face. "I've hardly been out of the house -since the baby was born. I'll leave him with my husband's mother and go -with you."</p> - -<p>"I'd be glad of the company," Miss Featherpenny admitted.</p> - -<p>"Good. I'll find out what time the ship leaves, and tell Mother Klagom -about the treat she's got coming. You go tell Mr. Stephens and then -come back here for the night."</p> - -<p>Miss Featherpenny heard them shouting before she opened the council -chamber door.</p> - -<p>"I suggest," Andy was saying, "that you either change the styles or go -back to the tourist business."</p> - -<p>She pushed the door open.</p> - -<p>"Mr. Stephens," Blahrog said mildly, "the last time calamity was upon -us, you solved the problem by drinking Throatduster until you got an -idea. May I suggest that you try again?"</p> - -<p>"Andy," Miss Featherpenny whispered.</p> - -<p>"Well?" he snapped.</p> - -<p>"I broke a tooth. I'm going over to Darius IV tomorrow, with Hrom, to -have it fixed."</p> - -<p>"Why Darius IV?" Andy demanded. "What's the matter with Felician -dentists?"</p> - -<p>"What's Hrom going to do with boy?" Blahrog demanded.</p> - -<p>"Hrom's leaving the baby with Mrs. Klagom," Miss Featherpenny answered, -"and there aren't any Felician dentists."</p> - -<p>"Mrs. Klagom is a silly woman," Blahrog disapproved. "She would do -better to leave him with me."</p> - -<p>"If you must, I suppose you must," Andy admitted grudgingly. "Where are -you going now?"</p> - -<p>"Back to Hrom's house to lie down."</p> - -<p>"Tell her I'll mind the baby," Blahrog called after her.</p> - -<p>As she closed the door, she heard Andy say, "Gentlemen, if you'll -supply the Throatduster, I'll give it a try."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>"It's awfully quiet," Hrom said doubtfully, looking around at the -Felician spaceport. "Look at the tannery chimneys. No smoke."</p> - -<p>Miss Featherpenny, her mouth in good repair, glanced into the bar as -they passed it. "Only two shippers," she said. "There are usually -dozens."</p> - -<p>"They must have stopped production entirely," Hrom said.</p> - -<p>"Maybe Andy thought of something."</p> - -<p>"I wonder if Papa brought the car down for us."</p> - -<p>He hadn't. They walked into town.</p> - -<p>Blahrog was in conference with the Everking.</p> - -<p>"I'd better wait for him," Miss Featherpenny said. "I want to find out -what's going on before I talk to Andy."</p> - -<p>"I'd better rescue Mother Klagom from the baby."</p> - -<p>Blahrog was as long-winded as usual.</p> - -<p>"Where is Mr. Stephens?" Miss Featherpenny demanded, as soon as she saw -him coming down the hall.</p> - -<p>"In his old storeroom," Blahrog said moodily. "He's quite drunk, I -believe, but he doesn't seem to be getting any ideas."</p> - -<p>"Then why did you stop cobbling?"</p> - -<p>Blahrog did a Felician shrug. "We're waiting to see what happens. -There's no sense making shoes any more if they aren't wanted."</p> - -<p>"I have to talk to him," Miss Featherpenny said.</p> - -<p>"Do you have an idea?"</p> - -<p>"No," Miss Featherpenny lied. "But you'd let him drink himself to -death, if he didn't think of anything."</p> - -<p>"You want a lift in the car?" Blahrog asked, uninsulted.</p> - -<p>"I'd be pleased, if you don't mind. I just walked in from the port."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Andy was not, as Blahrog had suggested, very drunk. He was only hung -over. "Get your tooth fixed?" he asked cheerlessly.</p> - -<p>"Yes."</p> - -<p>"Good dentist?"</p> - -<p>Miss Featherpenny nodded. "He had some entirely new equipment. -Extremely powerful, and quite precise."</p> - -<p>"Oh?" Andy straightened in the old arm chair. "I've been trying to -think. And drinking. Throatduster isn't working this time." He paused -to reconsider. "Except that it makes me drunk. Everything keeps getting -fuzzy, and my head is wider than my shoulders."</p> - -<p>"The dentist said," Miss Featherpenny persisted, "that he could pull a -whale's tooth as easily and smoothly as he pulled mine."</p> - -<p>"You had to have it pulled? Too bad." Andy made a face at the full mug -of Throatduster on the barrel beside him. "The Felicians won't change -their minds about the shoes, and they won't try tourists again. I -can't think of anything else. And they can claim the guarantee. I was -bluffing."</p> - -<p>"I know," Miss Featherpenny said. She tried again. "The dentist claims -even the tiniest species could do dental work on the biggest species." -She paused, hoping it would sink in. "Providing the tiny species had -sufficient dexterity."</p> - -<p>"Blasted Felicians," Andy muttered. "Stubborn little pigs."</p> - -<p>"That's part of their trouble, I think," Miss Featherpenny said. "Being -little, I mean. But it doesn't always work against them. When they're -doing delicate work...."</p> - -<p>"Like those shoes," Andy agreed. "'Best possible shapes already,'" he -imitated Blahrog.</p> - -<p>"They're one of the smallest intelligent species," Miss Featherpenny -said in desperation. "And their manual dexterity rating is one of the -highest. Why, a Felician could get both hands inside an Earther's -mouth."</p> - -<p>"And steal his fillings...." Andy started. "Wait a minute. You've given -me an idea."</p> - -<p>Miss Featherpenny breathed relief. "I have? What is it?"</p> - -<p>"Dentists! They can all be dentists."</p> - -<p>"All?"</p> - -<p>"Well, enough of them to provide for the planet's income."</p> - -<p>"Why, that's marvelous," Miss Featherpenny said. "It won't matter that -other species think they're cute. Everybody takes dentists seriously."</p> - -<p>"Their appearance will work for them," Andy said. "Think of children's -dentistry."</p> - -<p>"Let's go tell them right away," Miss Featherpenny said, feeling like a -Bobbsey twin.</p> - -<p>Andy swayed upward.</p> - -<p>"Sit still," Miss Featherpenny commanded. "I'll bring you some coffee."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Blahrog accepted the suggestion with Felician phlegm and ministerial -greed. "We'll have to change the tax system, since most of our working -population will be living off-planet."</p> - -<p>"Maybe you could work out a rotation system, Papa." Hrom had sneaked -into the council chamber.</p> - -<p>"Wait a minute," Andy said uneasily. "How are you going to educate -these dentists?"</p> - -<p>Blahrog stopped and thought. "We'll use the hotels for schools," he -said slowly. His face wrinkled with sly pleasure. "And we can sell the -coal surplus to pay teachers and buy equipment."</p> - -<p>The Everking made a wicked-sounding comment in Felician.</p> - -<p>The entire assembly burst into loud, beard-wagging laughter. It had a -nasty ring to it.</p> - -<p>"What did he say?" Andy demanded.</p> - -<p>"He said," Hrom giggled, "'Let them try to treat us like stuffed toys -now.'"</p> - -<p>"Disgusting," said Miss Featherpenny.</p> - -<p>"Indecent, Edie," Andy agreed. "But never mind. Let's go home and get -married."</p> - -<p>"You're a little sudden."</p> - -<p>Andy grinned. "I'll have a raise coming for this, and I'd like to keep -you in the family. I can't seem to think unless you're around."</p> - -<p>"Took you long enough to notice," said Miss Featherpenny. But she -didn't say it out loud.</p> - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Satisfaction Guaranteed, by Joy Leache - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SATISFACTION GUARANTEED *** - -***** This file should be named 51727-h.htm or 51727-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/1/7/2/51727/ - -Produced by Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Satisfaction Guaranteed - -Author: Joy Leache - -Release Date: April 10, 2016 [EBook #51727] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SATISFACTION GUARANTEED *** - - - - -Produced by Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - - - - Satisfaction Guaranteed - - By JOY LEACHE - - Illustrated by GAUGHAN - - [Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from - Galaxy Magazine December 1961. - Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that - the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.] - - - - - Interstellar trouble-shooting is the - easiest work there is. All you need is - brains, energy--and a steno with nice legs! - - -Andrew Stephens was trying to think of two things at once, and it -wasn't working out. An inspirational message (delivered by Crumbly, -president of Planetary Promotions, Inc.) was mixing itself up in his -mind with the probable difficulties of his first company assignment. - -He hoped he was thinking, and not worrying. Crumbly said worry was -fatal in the promotion business. It was fervor, not fret, Crumbly said, -that had made Planetary Promotions, Inc., what it was today. And it -was work, not worry, that would make it what it was destined to be -tomorrow. - -Andy Stephens stared at the farthest corner of his office (about four -feet from his nose) and sighed. He didn't have a slogan in his body, -let alone on (or off) the top of his head. - -His assignment was an easy one, Crumbly had assured him. Planetary -Promotions always started new men off with easy ones. Only fair. - -Andy squared his narrowish shoulders in as close an imitation of -Crumbly's desk-side manner as he could, and picked up the dope sheet. - -It seemed there was a planet, Felix II, somewhere near the edge of -nowhere. It wanted to join the Galactic Federation. - -A laudable desire, Andy thought, but strictly a political matter, -having nothing to do with Planetary Promotions, or Andrew Stephens. - -However, it also seemed that a planet had to demonstrate that it would -be contributing something to the Federation before it was allowed to -join. In other words, Andy thought, you have to have something they -want, or they won't let you in. - -A buzzer squawked out of the dun-colored box on his desk. Andy jumped, -and flipped the lever. - -"The bus to the port will be at the door in seven minutes," the grim -voice of the Lower Office Co-ordinator told him. "A stenographer will -meet you on the ship." - -"Thank you, Miss Ellis," Andy said meekly. He stuffed the dope sheet -into his jacket and left the Main Office for Felix II. - - * * * * * - -"Excuse me," said a feminine voice. "Are you with Planetary Promotions?" - -Andy looked up. A sandy-haired girl with a passable figure and nice -legs was looking down at him. "Yes," he said. "I'm Andy Stephens." - -The girl looked relieved. "I'm Edith Featherpenny from the steno pool," -she said. "I was afraid I wouldn't be able to find you." - -"Sit down," Andy invited. - -He moved, and Miss Featherpenny moved. Between them, they unsettled a -large woman eating an orange. When the juice had been mopped up and the -woman apologized to, Miss Featherpenny squeezed in beside Andy. - -"Is that the information on the case?" She indicated the dope sheet -crumpled under Andy's arm. - -"Yes." Andy tried to pull it out. "Were you issued one?" He moved his -elbow and tried again. - -The orange woman glared at him. - -Miss Featherpenny shook her head. "Miss Ellis told me you'd tell me -everything I needed to know." - -Andy felt obscurely flattered. "It doesn't look too promising," he -admitted. - -Miss Featherpenny glanced at the dope sheet and found a ray of hope. -"The Federation only requires that the Felician exports are nearly as -valuable as their imports," she pointed out. "'Nearly' is a nice vague, -maneuverable word." - -"But," said Andy, "if the Felicians can't think of anything to sell, -how do they expect me to?" - -"Maybe they're too isolated to know what's in demand," Miss -Featherpenny comforted him. "It says they won't authorize ships to -land on the planet except by invitation." - -"It might be isolation, I suppose," Andy doubted. He felt an urge to -confide in Miss Featherpenny. She did, after all, look as if there -might be something besides fluff in her head. - -"Look," he said. "This is my first assignment, on my fourth job, on my -second career. I've got to make good. My father is beginning to get -impatient." - -Miss Featherpenny's eyes grew softer. "Fathers are usually more patient -than their children think," she encouraged. - -"But," Andy added morosely, "I have a brother, a salesman with -Universal Products. He keeps getting promoted, and I keep getting -fired. Dad must be conscious of the contrast." - -"Maybe," Miss Featherpenny suggested, "your brother's been lucky. You -know, being assigned jobs that were easier than they sound." - -Andy glanced at her to see if he was being humored. He decided he -was not, or not much. "I've tried to believe that," he admitted. -"Unfortunately, Lloyd keeps proving me wrong. He got his last promotion -for selling fancy food products to the Mahridgians." - -Miss Featherpenny had obviously never even heard of Mahridge. - -"They have a strong taboo against eating," Andy explained. "They -swallow concentrates to keep alive, but it's still not quite decent. On -Mahridge, it's the dining room, not the bathroom, that has a door with -a lock on it for privacy. - -"Is he married?" asked Miss Featherpenny, who didn't intend to be a -steno all her life. "I mean," she added quickly, "his wife would get -anxious about his selling something like that, that could get him put -in prison, or killed. How did he do it?" - -There was a certain coolness in Andy's voice. "He took a lead from the -dope peddlers. He converted the adolescent Mahridgians first. It's all -right to eat on Mahridge now." - -Miss Featherpenny diplomatized. "I don't think that's ethical. -Convincing people to do what they think is wrong." - -Andy was still suspicious. He said, "Ethical or not, he got the -promotion." - - * * * * * - -They stood at the edge of the only launching pad on Felix II, and -surveyed the landscape. Thirty feet away, there was a barnsized stone -building with a weedy roof. Aside from some rounded blue hills in the -distance, and a Felician leaning against the building, there was not -much to detain the eye. - -Miss Featherpenny giggled softly in surprise. "He looks like a -leprechaun," she said. "The sheet didn't say that." - -"Tourist trade," Andy breathed, his eyes gleaming with the solution of -his problem. - -Since the two-foot-tall welcoming committee showed no signs of moving, -they started toward him. - -"My name," Andy said in Galactic, "is Andrew Stephens. I'm here from -Planetary Promotions." - -"I know," the Felician muttered ungraciously. "I came out from town to -meet you. My name is Blahrog. Who's this?" - -"My steno, Miss Featherpenny." - -"Urk." Obviously Blahrog had never heard the term "steno" and -was interpreting it freely. "I'm in charge of our admission to -the Federation. That means I'm in charge of you." He eyed Andy -unenthusiastically. "You haven't had much experience with this kind of -thing, have you?" - -Andy had a wild rush of hope. If the Felician government rejected him -as a representative, he could go home without a failure on his record, -and pray for a simpler assignment. Even P. P. didn't consider an agent -responsible for the unpredictable whims of aliens. - -"No, I haven't," he replied cheerfully. "I was hoping maybe you had." - -Miss Featherpenny, who hadn't read the contract, gasped. - -Blahrog, who had read the contract, replied, "I haven't. Let's get on -into town where we can discuss the possibilities in comfort." - -They set out, walking unequally through the thick white dust that -passed for paving on Felix II. - -"Don't you use ground cars?" Miss Featherpenny choked at the end of the -first half-mile. - -"Don't have technology," Blahrog growled, stumping grimly along. "The -Everking has a car, but he doesn't use it much. No fuel." - -As he walked, Andy composed a speech on the merits of the tourist -business, to be delivered to the Everking. - -Miss Featherpenny grew visibly more depressed with each mile. She -uttered an involuntary cry when the guard of the city gate appeared -with a slender mug in each hand. - -"Felician ladies don't drink," Blahrog said gruffly. - -"I can fetch you a glass of water," the guard offered, without -enthusiasm. - -"Thank you," said Miss Featherpenny, with an attempt at sincerity. - -The contents of his mug made Andy choke. "Tastes something like -cider," he gasped. - -Blahrog downed his without a wink. "It's customary to give a guest a -mug of Throatduster as a sign of gratitude because he walked so far in -the dust." - -"In this dust," Miss Featherpenny murmured to her second glass of -water, "any distance is far." - -"Thoughtful custom," Andy said quickly. "Could you export the beverage?" - -"Sell Throatduster?" Blahrog was indignant. "It would be a breach of -hospitality. Besides, Felix II can't produce enough second-rate stuff, -let alone first-rate. Sometimes, in a bad year, we have to greet guests -with water." - -"What a pity," said Miss Featherpenny. - - * * * * * - -She became increasingly unsympathetic as Andy swallowed another -Throatduster at the door of the Palace (a one-story building similar -to a small barn), and yet another in the presence of the Everking (an -eighteen-inch Felician with a beard-warmed paunch). - -Andy watched the Everking dim and blur on his wooden throne. Swaying -slightly, he muttered, "I wonder what proof this stuff is?" - -"In short, Mr. Stephens," Blahrog was translating, "we cannot think -of a single product which we could sell. Have you any immediate -suggestions?" - -Blahrog's expression indicated that he ought to say something, but -Andy couldn't think of a thing, except that he didn't need any more -Throatduster. "No," he said firmly, if faintly. "Thank you very much, -but no." He passed out cold. - -"I'm afraid the journey was too much for him," Miss Featherpenny put in. - -"Ah, yes," Blahrog translated for the Everking. "Throatduster has that -effect on some life forms. Perhaps he had better retire, and discuss -the situation more fully tomorrow." - -The Everking motioned to a pair of stout-looking guards (thirty inches -tall, at least). They towed Miss Featherpenny's immediate superior out -of the royal presence. - -"They will show him to his room," Blahrog explained. - -The Everking let loose a quick stream of Felician. - -"Would you," Blahrog addressed Miss Featherpenny, "enjoy meeting my -daughter? The Everking suggests it, since our affairs could hardly be -of interest to you." - -"I'd be very pleased." The words were not empty ones. Edith -Featherpenny's education in coping with men had not extended to -Felician males. Blahrog frightened her with a feeling of superior and -incomprehensible intelligence. - -Hrom, although seventeen inches tall and weighing perhaps eleven -pounds, was definitely feminine and comprehensible. - -"Why don't women drink Throatduster?" Miss Featherpenny asked, on the -strength of a two-hour acquaintance. - -"The men grow the grain here," Hrom explained, "and it's theirs as long -as it's in the fields. However, we consider harvesting women's work. We -also make the Throatduster. Then we sell it to the men. We don't drink -because it is uneconomical." - -"Does everyone grow his own grain?" - -"Not any more. Town women have other sources of dress money. The custom -started that way, that's all." - -"If you'll forgive my saying so," Miss Featherpenny remarked, "that -dress you are wearing must have taken a big chunk out of your pocket." - -Hrom sighed. "In my mother's time, I would have thought nothing of it. -Now, one such gown is all I can afford." - -"I would have thought your father was one of the wealthier men on Felix -II," Miss Featherpenny remarked. - -"He is _the_ wealthiest," Hrom said. "The richest man is always -Minister of Finance. It's only reasonable." Her tone changed. "We're -all poor now, since the tourist industry failed. It took every dnot we -had to pay for the contract." - -Invisible antennae shot from Miss Featherpenny's forehead. "You must -be quite sure that Planetary Promotions won't fail you." She tried her -best to sound casual. - -Hrom smiled faintly. "Have another of these seed cakes," she said. - -"Thank you. They are delicious." Miss Featherpenny took one, regardless -of calories. "Of course, there is the guarantee clause: 'Double your -money back.'" - -Hrom busily fluffed a cushion. "One must have some insurance," she -said, having her turn at sounding casual. "Tell me, are they wearing -large or small hats on Earth this season?" - -Miss Featherpenny conceded defeat. "It's all bonnets for summer," she -said. - - * * * * * - -Her first impulse was to tell Andy that she thought the Felicians -had bought the guarantee clause, not the contract. It died at her -first sight of the morning-after Andy. The situation must be pretty -desperate, she rationalized, when the wealthiest girl on the planet -has only one dress. This is probably their last chance. - -Andy tried to conceal his headache by being brisk and efficient. "Have -you considered your natural resources?" - -Blahrog, slow and shrewdly inefficient, said, "We mine soft coal. -Enough for our own fires and to spare." - -"No one within a hundred light-years of Felix II uses coal for fuel -anymore," Andy said gently. "Do you have enough for the plastic -industries?" - -"We have four freighters surplus every season." Blahrog was evidently -banking heavily on the coal. - -Andy wondered if coal were the only surplus on Felix II. "What are you -doing with your surplus at present?" he inquired tactfully, hoping -that Blahrog would realize, without being told, the impossibility of -supporting the population of Felix II on four freighters of soft coal. - -"We store it up," was the crafty answer, "and sell it to the synthetics -plants on Darius IV when the Ionian miners go on strike." - -"How long since the Ionians struck?" If this economic event occurred -regularly, the coal surplus could assist in meeting the Federation's -requirements. - -"Twenty seasons or so." Blahrog's tone was off-handed, but his eyes -slid guiltily toward Andy and away again. - -Andy sighed. "Any other resources?" - -They went quickly through minerals, agricultural products and animal -skins; established that Felicians could not teleport, levitate or read -minds. They were technologically uneducated, and had no industry on the -factory-system level. - -"It is coal or nothing, Mr. Stephens," Blahrog said with finality. -"Isn't there some way to make the Federation believe that our coal is -superior to other coal, and worth more?" - -"Do you, perchance, own a sizable proportion of Felician coal reserves?" - -Blahrog nodded, guilty looking again. - -"Well, forget it. There isn't enough." - - * * * * * - -The Everking, who had been holding Andy's translator to his ear in -silence, burst into speech. - -"His Foreverness says," Blahrog remarked cannily, "that it appears -impossible for Felix II to join the Federation." - -"We aren't through yet," Andy said quickly. "What about the tourist -industry? If you'd allow visitors and advertise a little...." - -"No," the Everking shouted, in Galactic. - -"We tried that during the last reign," Blahrog said. "It didn't work." - -"You're pretty far off the shipping lanes, I'll admit," Andy said, -"but surely you could attract enough tourists from somewhere to show a -profit." - -"We showed a profit," Blahrog said morosely. - -He translated a remark of the Everking's. "We made money hand over -fist." - -"Then why did you quit?" Andy was baffled. "Why did you restrict the -planet?" - -"Because of the way we happen to look." - -"Like leprechauns," Miss Featherpenny explained. "And Hrom looks -exactly like a little Christmas fairy." - -Blahrog winced. "The tourists found us amusing. We weren't real to -them. It became difficult for us to seem real to ourselves. Most of -my generation couldn't grow up. The birth rate dropped. We closed the -planet to keep the race alive. That's all there is to it." - -"Surely," Andy protested, "if you handled it differently...." - -"Tourists," Blahrog translated for the Everking, "are out of the -question." - -"I remember hearing about an intelligent life form that resembled -teddy bears," Miss Featherpenny said thoughtfully. "Everybody loved -them on sight." - -"What happened to them?" Blahrog asked with interest. - -"They became extinct." - - * * * * * - -Andy glared at her. How could he accomplish anything with a stupid -steno butting in? She looked away, guilty. - -"It's such a simple solution," he said. "It fits your situation -perfectly." - -"That's what we thought, until we tried it," Blahrog said, grinning -sidelong at Miss Featherpenny. - -"If you won't try tourists," Andy snapped at both of them, "I don't see -exactly what you can do." - -"Maybe you didn't cover everything in the special abilities list," Miss -Featherpenny suggested softly. - -Andy glared at her again. "All right, Blahrog. Can you think of -anything you can do that most other species can't?" - -Blahrog looked at the floor and considered. "We can walk a long way -without getting tired," he offered. - -Andy sighed, and wrote "Endurance?" on his scratch pad. It was scarcely -saleable. "Is there anything else? Anything you know how to make? -Besides Throatduster." - -"We make good shoes," Blahrog said hopefully. "The tourists used to buy -lots of them." - -"Hum," Andy cogitated. "Here we have something for which a market -already exists. If we can expand the market and the production -facilities...." He nailed Blahrog with a finger, in conscious imitation -of Crumbly. "How many pairs of shoes can Felix II produce in a single -season?" - -"If the reserves were called in to the Cobbler's Guild, it would be -almost half the manpower of the planet...." Blahrog paused, doing -mental arithmetic. "Four and a half million pairs, more or less." He -sounded as though he were surprised. - -"That ought to do it," Andy said gleefully. - -"But where will we find that many pairs of feet?" Blahrog asked. - -"There are eight million times that many pairs of feet in the -Federation," Andy said. "Leave the advertising to Planetary Promotions." - -"It seems sort of poetic," Miss Featherpenny romanced. "Leprechauns are -supposed to be cobblers." - -Blahrog snorted. - -Andy turned and addressed her from the full distance between a promoter -third class and a girl from the steno pool. "Miss Featherpenny, I will -ask for your opinion when I want it." - -Miss Featherpenny answered from her side of the gulf. "Yes, sir." - -Andy had always despised rank-pullers. He turned to Blahrog "I'll have -to send the dope back to the Home Office so they can put it through the -computer and send me the ad-intensity index." - -Blahrog looked a polite enquiry. - -"That will tell us how effective the ad campaign will have to be to -make a go of this. What's the fastest way to send a message to Earth?" - -"Radiogram the satellite station," Blahrog answered. "They'll relay it -to the next ship within range, and the ship will relay it to the next -planet it nears with the radiogram facilities to send it to Earth." - -"How long will it take to get an answer?" Andy asked. - -"About twelve days." - - * * * * * - -They didn't stare at the sky while they waited for the answer. - -Blahrog called the members of the Cobbler's Guild together, and -delivered a series of lectures on their importance to the future of -Felix II. - -Foreseeing a return to political and economic power, the reserve -members dusted off their lasts and aprons and got back into practice. -For the first time in nearly thirty seasons, the applications for -apprenticeship were too numerous to handle. New life showed on their -faces. - -The Master Cobblers (including the Everking and Blahrog) worked around -the clock, fabricating plastic lasts. Miss Featherpenny and Hrom dug -pictures and descriptions of the various types of Galactic feet that -habitually or occasionally wore shoes out of old periodicals, located -by members of the newly-organized ladies' auxiliary. - -Felix II was humming, if not absolutely singing, with industry and -good humor. Some of it rubbed off on Andy. He relented toward Miss -Featherpenny to the extent of presenting her with a pair of Felician -shoes, fabricated by the Everking. They were of the sensible walking -variety, and not Miss Featherpenny's style. Nevertheless, she was -extremely pleased with the gift. Like all Felician shoes, they fit her -perfectly. - -The Everking, backed by his Debators and ministers, issued public -thanks to one Andrew Stephens, restorer of hope, and propagator -of economic equality. The ladies' auxiliary gave a tea in Miss -Featherpenny's honor. They were both showered with gifts from a -grateful and admiring populace. - -The reply to the message was signed by Crumbly himself. "Forlorn hope," -it said unsympathetically. "Try something else. Computer indicates ad -intensity of 0.94." - -An ad intensity of 0.0001 means you sell someone something he wants -anyway. An intensity of 1.0 means you have to make the consumer love -something he thinks he hates. - - * * * * * - -Andy sent a young Felician on the run for Blahrog, and retired to the -storeroom of Blahrog's dwelling, which housed two fair-sized plastic -barrels of Throatduster. - -"But you have to try," Blahrog insisted, finishing his second mug of -hospitality. - -"Snow good," Andy said, deep into his fifth. "Even Gray Flannel, ad man -in legend, only got to 0.87. Simpossible." - -Blahrog, who knew little about advertising or computers, repeated, -"You must try. No member of the Cobbler's Guild has ever quit without -trying." - -Andy had been accepted as an apprentice of the Guild the night before. - -"Dunno," he said. "Tell you simpossible." - -Blahrog climbed off the barrel of Throatduster. "I'll go get Miss -Featherpenny," he said. "Perhaps she can help you." - -"Miss Featherpenny. Bah," Andy snorted. "What good would she be? Dumb -steno." He tried to be fair. "Nice legs, I admit. But no brains." - -"I'll go get Miss Featherpenny," Blahrog repeated firmly, closing the -door behind him.... - -"What frame of mind is he in?" Miss Featherpenny looked uncertainly at -the heavy door to Andy's store room. - -"Drunk," Blahrog informed her coldly. - -It takes an enormous quantity of Throatduster to intoxicate a Felician. -Intoxication is therefore considered bad form. - -"And belligerent," the Minister of Finance added. - -"Oh, dear." Miss Featherpenny looked at the door again. "But what can I -do?" she asked in a helpless voice. "I'm not a promoter." - -"He said," Blahrog indicated the door, "that you were a dumb steno." - -"Well!" Hrom exclaimed. - -Miss Featherpenny's hackles invisibly rose. Her mouth visibly -tightened. She turned away from the door. - -Hrom said, "You ought to try to show him." - -Miss Featherpenny looked at them, and at the surrounding examples of -Felician landscape and architecture. - -"Mr. Blahrog," she said suddenly, "you don't mind looking like a -leprechaun, do you? As long as you don't have to meet people?" - -Blahrog's silence was more than dignified. - -"What do you mean?" Hrom asked. - -"You wouldn't mind if we used a picture of a Master Cobbler in the ad, -would you?" - -Blahrog thawed abruptly. "You have an idea?" - -"If you don't mind the picture." - -"He doesn't mind," Hrom said, adding in Felician, "After all, Papa, we -don't have to let any ships but the freighters land." - -"Go ahead, then," Blahrog consented. - -"Good luck," Hrom added. - - * * * * * - -"You," Andy welcomed her. "Bah." He shut his eyes. Most of him was -sprawled out on the floor. - -"Yes, me," Miss Featherpenny agreed, repressing an inclination to kick -him. She sat down on one of the kegs, and opened her stenographer's -book. "I came to take down the ad for the shoes," she announced. - -"What ad?" Andy moaned. "The newest, biggest, brightest ads can't get -over an 0.62. How can I manage an 0.94? You're crazy." He opened his -eyes. "But you do have nice legs." - -"Felix II is sort of quaint," Miss Featherpenny suggested. "Why not use -an old ad?" - -"An idea," Andy enunciated, without hope. - -"It's sort of pretty too," Miss Featherpenny nudged. - -"We could use a color picture of it," Andy said, kicking thoughtfully -at an overturned stool. - -"The Felicians are quaint looking, too." - -"Sure," Andy said. "Put a Felician in the foreground, cobbling." He -tried to sit up. - -"I've seen ads like that in history books," Miss Featherpenny said, -exuding admiration. - -"It's so old it's new," Andy said, lying down again. "Old English -lettering over the top. A real cliche." He considered Miss -Featherpenny's ankle. "Peaceful scenery, Felician shoes?" - -"Not quite," said Miss Featherpenny. - -"Quiet field, Felician shoes?" - -"Nope," said Miss Featherpenny. - -"You're an aggravating woman," Andy said sweetly, "but you do have nice -legs." - -"What about Elysian fields?" Miss Featherpenny suggested. - -Andy tasted it. "Elysian fields, Felician shoes." He tried to sit up -again. "You got all that down?" he demanded. - -"Yes," Miss Featherpenny lied. She had it in her head, but not on the -steno pad. - -"Then get somebody to send it off so we can find out if it's good -enough. And come back soon." He wobbled on his elbow. "You do have...." - -"I think I'd better attend to sending it personally." Miss Featherpenny -opened the door. "You rest until you feel better." - -Blahrog had gone, but Hrom was waiting for her. She looked more like a -Christmas fairy than usual. A mischievous one. - -"Did you manage?" she whispered. - -"Barely." Miss Featherpenny looked grim. - -"Drink this," Hrom ordered, holding out a mug of Throatduster. - -Miss Featherpenny was surprised. "I thought ladies didn't drink on -Felix II." - -"There are," Hrom said, "exceptions." - - * * * * * - -The next twelve days of waiting for computer results were not as -hopefully active as the first twelve. The Felicians finished setting up -their manufacturing and storing systems, but they didn't start making -shoes. The cattle drovers forbore to slaughter the beasts who provided -the leather. - -The Everking and his Debators all developed severe cases of -beard-itch, a Felician nervous disorder. Since it is even more unseemly -to scratch on Felix II than it is on Earth, they retired temporarily -from public life. - -Andy also retired from public life, biting his fingernails, an Earther -nervous disorder. Blahrog joined him in the illness, which was new to -Felicians. By the time the answer from Planetary Promotions came it was -the most fashionable habit on the planet, in spite of the fact that -Felicians have extremely tough nails, and a pair of bony ridges rather -than true teeth. - -The second message was also direct from Crumbly. It read: "Computer -rates ad campaign at intensity 0.942. P. P. in action by the time you -receive this. Stephens ordered back to Home Office; promoted to first -class." - -Four Earth months later, Miss Featherpenny entered Andy's ten by twelve -office, her high heels clicking on the plastic tiles, and laid a -memorandum on the new steel desk. - -"They've been admitted," she announced. - -"What? Who?" Andy said irritably. There were times when he thought her -position as his private secretary had gone to her head. - -"Felix II has been admitted to the Federation. The contract has been -fulfilled." She smiled brightly. "Shall I mark the file closed?" - -"Can't yet," Andy said. "Felix II won't be a permanent member of the -Federation until they've been self-supporting for ten years." - -"Why?" asked Miss Featherpenny. - -"It's a precautionary measure," Andy began to explain. "Oh, let's go -get some lunch and forget Felix II." - -"Yes, Mr. Stephens," Miss Featherpenny said meekly. - -He followed her out the door, admiring the effect of her plastic skirt. -She did have nice legs.... - - * * * * * - -Three years later, Edith Featherpenny was forced to remember Felix II. -There was a communication on her mock-baroque desk. Felician shoes -weren't selling. Felix II wasn't making enough money. The Galactic -Federation was threatening to take steps. - -She glanced at the impressive door to the inner office. Andy, she knew, -was engaged in reading a letter from his brother Lloyd, who had just -been promoted to vice-president of Universal Products. - -She judiciously forged his initials on an order to put data on the -Felix II failure through the computer. - -In an hour and a half she had the answer. The Felicians hadn't changed -the styles, and their shoes didn't wear out. Everybody had a pair. - -She considered the door again. There was really little sense in -disturbing Andy over such a simple matter. She forged his name on a -message to Blahrog. "Change the styles of your shoes." - -She then picked up some carefully selected problem sheets from the top -of the filing cabinet, and went through the impressive door. - -The next morning, Blahrog's answer was on her desk. - -"Felician shoes are of the cut most suited to the feet that wear them. -To change them would be both foolish and unethical." - -It was a good thing, Miss Featherpenny thought, that Andy was feeling -better today. She went into his office, padding softly over the carpet -to his contemporary prestwood desk. - -"Good morning, Edie," Andy said cheerfully. "What happened? Lightning -strike you?" - -"Practically," Miss Featherpenny said. "It's Felix II again." She -handed over the sheaf of papers. - -"Why didn't you tell me about this yesterday?" Andy muttered, reading -them. - -"I thought I could handle it." Miss Featherpenny made a face. "Until I -got that answer this morning." - -"It sounds like typical Felician thinking," Andy said. "There's no -sense trying to argue by mail." He sighed. "You'd better reserve a -first-class passage for me on the first ship out." - -"Can't I go?" Miss Featherpenny asked. - -"Who'd run the office?" - -"The stenos can stack stuff until we get back." Miss Featherpenny -looked wistful. "I was in on the beginning of it. I want to see it -through. Besides, I'd like to see Hrom again." - -"Oh, all right," Andy agreed. "Make it two first class." - - * * * * * - -Blahrog was waiting on the long porch of the space port dining room. - -"Have a nice trip?" he asked. - -"What's all this about not changing the shoe styles?" Andy countered. - -"As I told you in the message," Blahrog said impatiently, "We make our -shoes in the best possible shapes for the feet that will wear them. -There isn't any good reason to change them." - -"You can't sell people two pairs of identical shoes," Andy insisted. - -"You might be able to sell them if you changed them," Miss Featherpenny -added, sounding reasonable. - -"Save your arguments for the Everking," Blahrog said. "Come on to the -car." - -"Car?" Miss Featherpenny exclaimed. "The Everking's?" - -"No, mine." Blahrog couldn't keep the pride out of his voice. "There -are nearly two hundred cars on Felix II." - -Andy went over the same ground in the presence of the Everking. It -didn't help. The Everking, his minister and his Debators were solidly -against changing the shoes. The ethics of the Cobblers' Guild were -involved. - -"If you won't follow Planetary Promotions' advice," he said at last, -"the company can't be responsible for the outcome." He glared at the -assembly. "In other words, the guarantee clause is cancelled." - -There was an indignant and concerned buzz from the audience. Blahrog -got up. - -"Your Foreverness," he said, "honorable members of the government, Mr. -Stephens. Three Earth years ago, Felix II gathered together all the -money the government could find, and bought a contract with Planetary -Promotions." He paused and shuffled his feet. "We did not expect the -contract to be fulfilled. We needed money, and two for one would keep -us going while we attempted to educate the young to be immune to the -tourists. Of course, if Planetary Promotions found a way for us to be -self-supporting without tourists, we would be equally pleased." - -"I thought so," Miss Featherpenny murmured. - -"Really," Andy said. "Why didn't you let me in on it?" - -Blahrog cleared his throat to indicate that he wasn't through. "Since -a way was found," he continued, "Felician self respect and content has -increased along with Felician prosperity." He glanced uneasily at Andy. -"We would like to continue as we are going." - -"Unless you change the styles," Andy said flatly, "that is impossible." - - * * * * * - -Miss Featherpenny, realizing that they were starting over the same -ground, slipped out the door and walked over to visit Hrom. - -"So Papa admitted it," Hrom said, after Miss Featherpenny had admired -the baby, and been shown over the house. "I almost told you myself, -when I first met you." - -"You told me enough to let me guess the rest," Miss Featherpenny said. - -"Have some olgan seed cakes," Hrom offered. "Why didn't you tell Mr. -Stephens?" - -Miss Featherpenny took a cake. "Partly because of his almighty -attitude, and partly because I was on your.... Ow!" She clapped a hand -hastily to her jaw. - -"What's wrong?" Hrom asked, alarmed. - -"Broke a tooth," Miss Featherpenny muttered, her face contorted. - -"Does it hurt much?" Hrom's question was part sympathy and part -curiosity. - -Miss Featherpenny nodded. "I'll have to find a dentist right away." - -"What's a dentist?" - -"Man who fixes your teeth." - -"But we don't have teeth," Hrom said. - -"I forgot," Miss Featherpenny moaned. "Oh, Lord, I guess I'll have to -go all the way back to Earth." - -Hrom shook her head. "There are a lot of Earthers living on Darius IV. -They must have a dentist. There's a ship every morning." - -"Fine," Miss Featherpenny gasped. - -"Can I get you something for the pain? Would an aspirtran help?" - -"I'd better have two. Thanks." - -"Here. Take the bottle with you." Hrom was frowning worriedly. "My, I'm -glad we don't have teeth." - -"I'll have to tell Andy--Mr. Stephens--that I'm leaving." - -Inspiration dawned on Hrom's face. "I've hardly been out of the house -since the baby was born. I'll leave him with my husband's mother and go -with you." - -"I'd be glad of the company," Miss Featherpenny admitted. - -"Good. I'll find out what time the ship leaves, and tell Mother Klagom -about the treat she's got coming. You go tell Mr. Stephens and then -come back here for the night." - -Miss Featherpenny heard them shouting before she opened the council -chamber door. - -"I suggest," Andy was saying, "that you either change the styles or go -back to the tourist business." - -She pushed the door open. - -"Mr. Stephens," Blahrog said mildly, "the last time calamity was upon -us, you solved the problem by drinking Throatduster until you got an -idea. May I suggest that you try again?" - -"Andy," Miss Featherpenny whispered. - -"Well?" he snapped. - -"I broke a tooth. I'm going over to Darius IV tomorrow, with Hrom, to -have it fixed." - -"Why Darius IV?" Andy demanded. "What's the matter with Felician -dentists?" - -"What's Hrom going to do with boy?" Blahrog demanded. - -"Hrom's leaving the baby with Mrs. Klagom," Miss Featherpenny answered, -"and there aren't any Felician dentists." - -"Mrs. Klagom is a silly woman," Blahrog disapproved. "She would do -better to leave him with me." - -"If you must, I suppose you must," Andy admitted grudgingly. "Where are -you going now?" - -"Back to Hrom's house to lie down." - -"Tell her I'll mind the baby," Blahrog called after her. - -As she closed the door, she heard Andy say, "Gentlemen, if you'll -supply the Throatduster, I'll give it a try." - - * * * * * - -"It's awfully quiet," Hrom said doubtfully, looking around at the -Felician spaceport. "Look at the tannery chimneys. No smoke." - -Miss Featherpenny, her mouth in good repair, glanced into the bar as -they passed it. "Only two shippers," she said. "There are usually -dozens." - -"They must have stopped production entirely," Hrom said. - -"Maybe Andy thought of something." - -"I wonder if Papa brought the car down for us." - -He hadn't. They walked into town. - -Blahrog was in conference with the Everking. - -"I'd better wait for him," Miss Featherpenny said. "I want to find out -what's going on before I talk to Andy." - -"I'd better rescue Mother Klagom from the baby." - -Blahrog was as long-winded as usual. - -"Where is Mr. Stephens?" Miss Featherpenny demanded, as soon as she saw -him coming down the hall. - -"In his old storeroom," Blahrog said moodily. "He's quite drunk, I -believe, but he doesn't seem to be getting any ideas." - -"Then why did you stop cobbling?" - -Blahrog did a Felician shrug. "We're waiting to see what happens. -There's no sense making shoes any more if they aren't wanted." - -"I have to talk to him," Miss Featherpenny said. - -"Do you have an idea?" - -"No," Miss Featherpenny lied. "But you'd let him drink himself to -death, if he didn't think of anything." - -"You want a lift in the car?" Blahrog asked, uninsulted. - -"I'd be pleased, if you don't mind. I just walked in from the port." - - * * * * * - -Andy was not, as Blahrog had suggested, very drunk. He was only hung -over. "Get your tooth fixed?" he asked cheerlessly. - -"Yes." - -"Good dentist?" - -Miss Featherpenny nodded. "He had some entirely new equipment. -Extremely powerful, and quite precise." - -"Oh?" Andy straightened in the old arm chair. "I've been trying to -think. And drinking. Throatduster isn't working this time." He paused -to reconsider. "Except that it makes me drunk. Everything keeps getting -fuzzy, and my head is wider than my shoulders." - -"The dentist said," Miss Featherpenny persisted, "that he could pull a -whale's tooth as easily and smoothly as he pulled mine." - -"You had to have it pulled? Too bad." Andy made a face at the full mug -of Throatduster on the barrel beside him. "The Felicians won't change -their minds about the shoes, and they won't try tourists again. I -can't think of anything else. And they can claim the guarantee. I was -bluffing." - -"I know," Miss Featherpenny said. She tried again. "The dentist claims -even the tiniest species could do dental work on the biggest species." -She paused, hoping it would sink in. "Providing the tiny species had -sufficient dexterity." - -"Blasted Felicians," Andy muttered. "Stubborn little pigs." - -"That's part of their trouble, I think," Miss Featherpenny said. "Being -little, I mean. But it doesn't always work against them. When they're -doing delicate work...." - -"Like those shoes," Andy agreed. "'Best possible shapes already,'" he -imitated Blahrog. - -"They're one of the smallest intelligent species," Miss Featherpenny -said in desperation. "And their manual dexterity rating is one of the -highest. Why, a Felician could get both hands inside an Earther's -mouth." - -"And steal his fillings...." Andy started. "Wait a minute. You've given -me an idea." - -Miss Featherpenny breathed relief. "I have? What is it?" - -"Dentists! They can all be dentists." - -"All?" - -"Well, enough of them to provide for the planet's income." - -"Why, that's marvelous," Miss Featherpenny said. "It won't matter that -other species think they're cute. Everybody takes dentists seriously." - -"Their appearance will work for them," Andy said. "Think of children's -dentistry." - -"Let's go tell them right away," Miss Featherpenny said, feeling like a -Bobbsey twin. - -Andy swayed upward. - -"Sit still," Miss Featherpenny commanded. "I'll bring you some coffee." - - * * * * * - -Blahrog accepted the suggestion with Felician phlegm and ministerial -greed. "We'll have to change the tax system, since most of our working -population will be living off-planet." - -"Maybe you could work out a rotation system, Papa." Hrom had sneaked -into the council chamber. - -"Wait a minute," Andy said uneasily. "How are you going to educate -these dentists?" - -Blahrog stopped and thought. "We'll use the hotels for schools," he -said slowly. His face wrinkled with sly pleasure. "And we can sell the -coal surplus to pay teachers and buy equipment." - -The Everking made a wicked-sounding comment in Felician. - -The entire assembly burst into loud, beard-wagging laughter. It had a -nasty ring to it. - -"What did he say?" Andy demanded. - -"He said," Hrom giggled, "'Let them try to treat us like stuffed toys -now.'" - -"Disgusting," said Miss Featherpenny. - -"Indecent, Edie," Andy agreed. "But never mind. Let's go home and get -married." - -"You're a little sudden." - -Andy grinned. "I'll have a raise coming for this, and I'd like to keep -you in the family. I can't seem to think unless you're around." - -"Took you long enough to notice," said Miss Featherpenny. 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