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-
-The Project Gutenberg EBook of Cause of Death, by Max Tadlock
-
-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
-almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or
-re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
-with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license
-
-
-Title: Cause of Death
-
-Author: Max Tadlock
-
-Release Date: February 6, 2016 [EBook #51137]
-
-Language: English
-
-Character set encoding: ASCII
-
-*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAUSE OF DEATH ***
-
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-Produced by Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online
-Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
-
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-</pre>
-
-
-<div class="figcenter">
- <img src="images/cover.jpg" width="401" height="500" alt=""/>
-</div>
-
-<hr class="chap" />
-
-<div class="titlepage">
-<h1>CAUSE OF DEATH</h1>
-
-<p>By MAX TADLOCK</p>
-
-<p>Illustrated by JOHNS</p>
-
-<p>[Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from<br />
-Galaxy Science Fiction November 1955.<br />
-Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that<br />
-the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.]</p>
-
-</div>
-
-<hr class="chap" />
-
-<p class="ph3"><i>Reaching the ultimate secret was no problem ...<br />
-but could I follow it up with an encore?</i></p>
-
-<hr class="chap" />
-
-<p>About this thing, I couldn't stand to have them laugh. Not the way they
-did about the swimming.</p>
-
-<p>"Oh, come now. No one could learn to swim by reading a book.
-Five-eighths of a mile the first time in the water!"</p>
-
-<p>And they laughed. I guess I laughed, too. More than any other thing,
-I've wanted people to be happy. But I never swam again&mdash;only that first
-time.</p>
-
-<p>I've always read a lot and sometimes things I've read do get mixed up
-with things I've done. But the things still happened&mdash;they happened to
-<i>someone</i>. And people ought to <i>believe</i>.</p>
-
-<p>I'd like to tell people now. I'd like to say, "I died once."</p>
-
-<p>But if they laughed, it might be later and I'd never hear them. Already
-there are too many silent things in this. There must be no silent
-laughter as well.</p>
-
-<p>They might think I've got myself all mixed up with things I've read.
-Things like surgeons pumping life into a heart to bring the patient
-back after he's died on the operating table. Doctors reviving dead
-soldiers, if they haven't been gone too long.</p>
-
-<p>It's not like that at all. I was truly dead&mdash;for three days. It was
-almost too long; I suppose I made it back just in time. I don't know.</p>
-
-<p>My reading was what started me on this, just the same as with the
-swimming. When I think about it too much, I almost feel myself that I
-am exaggerating a bit.</p>
-
-<p>But I have proof, proof which no one has ever seen but the doctors and
-those who found me. See how they keep me swathed in these cloths and
-how the darkened room hides my eyes?</p>
-
-<p>Anyway, I'd be ashamed to show myself, for the mark of death is too
-terrible and people would be even more afraid of dying than they are
-now.</p>
-
-<hr class="tb" />
-
-<p>You see, I could have done it in the winter, only I was worried about
-the cold. I might not have been able to get back at all. But it was too
-warm when I chose to do it. I should have known better. I've read a
-lot about keeping things. You can't preserve them in the hot weather;
-that's why the doctors put those dead soldiers in ice chests, but I
-didn't think about it enough. I made some other mistakes, too, but I
-couldn't have known.</p>
-
-<p>I guess what started it all was something I read a long time ago,
-perhaps in a story, or an agricultural bulletin, or maybe in an
-encyclopedia. Anyhow, it was something about pigs being able to just
-die if they want to.</p>
-
-<p>That always stuck in my mind. It's a pretty wonderful thing, you know.
-Imagine just being able to die if life didn't seem worth living, or if
-you were lonely, or maybe just because you wanted to.</p>
-
-<p>Oh, I told lots of people about it. You know how sometimes a lull comes
-in a conversation. Then I'd say, "Pigs are able to just up and die if
-they want to."</p>
-
-<p>But nobody ever paid any attention to me at all. They seemed to ignore
-the remark. One man did say once, "What the hell are you talking
-about?" but even he wouldn't listen when I tried to explain.</p>
-
-<p>Perhaps it was just too improbable. Besides, people don't like to think
-about death. They talk about it sometimes and sometimes they brood
-about it, but they never really think. It has always been too unknown
-and that frightens them. Then they only fear and stop thinking.</p>
-
-<p>It always did seem sad to me that no one had ever tried to help people
-out about death. Yes, I know one did. He died and came back&mdash;but then
-He wasn't just a man like you or me. And even He never said exactly
-what it was like.</p>
-
-<p>I wondered if anyone really ever <i>had</i> said. So I began to read with
-only a single purpose in mind. I had to know so I could tell people. If
-they could only know, then they wouldn't have that fear and we could
-talk of death and still be able to laugh.</p>
-
-<p>But I had read it all when I read of Jacob's dream, for that's all
-there was&mdash;dreams, visions, hopes. No one had ever seen and come back
-to tell the others.</p>
-
-<p>The question then was <i>why</i>, not <i>what</i>. It couldn't be that all who
-died had no whole being to return to. Not every death is marked by a
-body completely uninhabitable. I myself had heard a doctor say, "There
-is nothing organically wrong now. The patient will recover if only he
-has the will to live."</p>
-
-<p><i>The will to live!</i> Suddenly I knew I had found the way. I myself would
-go and see and return to tell them all.</p>
-
-<hr class="tb" />
-
-<p>I answered all the requirements. I had a healthy body to return to. I
-had the will to live, for I enjoy my reading and acquaintances. And I
-alone had thought it wonderful that pigs can die when they merely want
-to.</p>
-
-<p>I knew that I could, too, and I was not afraid. Very carefully, I began
-what seemed almost too simple preparations.</p>
-
-<p>Drawing some money from an account I kept for medical expenses (at the
-time I thought this very amusing), I bought an electric clock which
-registered the hour and the day of the month on cylinders like those on
-a tachometer. I felt I would want to know exactly how long I had been
-deceased when I came back.</p>
-
-<p>Next I secured a small round mirror with a concave face, the type
-some use for shaving. This I was to hang directly above my face. It
-was merely vanity on my part, for I wished to say that I as well as
-Lazarus's friends had seen a dead man rise. I had assumed that at first
-my vision might be blurred and thus the magnifying effect of this
-particular glass would, I thought, help me focus on my face.</p>
-
-<p>On my study floor, I prepared a pallet. It was neither soft nor hard,
-just a comfortable support for the body I was to leave. Beside it I
-arranged a basin of water and some soft cloths, for I would want to
-wash right after coming back.</p>
-
-<p>You see, I did not fear the obvious. My power lay in thought and I
-proceeded systematically.</p>
-
-<p>Drawn blinds and two small night-lights spread a gray cast over the
-room, a cast that I was to know too well.</p>
-
-<p>Everything was ready now. No, wait! Quickly I placed a tumbler and a
-decanter of brandy within easy reach and by them laid a pencil and
-a pad of paper. It was when I straightened up that I first felt the
-pounding in my body. My heart pulsed as if it were smashing waves of
-blood through my veins. In my throat, the large arteries swelled with
-pressure until I thought I would strangle.</p>
-
-<p>I had to have some physical exertion to relieve the tension. I felt
-I might faint or have a stroke unless I moved about. My father had
-been stricken with an embolism at about my age, and I've read such
-weaknesses are inherited.</p>
-
-<p>So I walked about the house rechecking the locks of windows and
-doors. Perhaps it was just to keep busy for a few more moments that
-I even rechecked the pads of cardboard with which I had muffled the
-bell-clappers on both telephone and door chime. I don't seem to have
-had many callers for several years now, but I had to avoid any chance
-of being disturbed.</p>
-
-<hr class="tb" />
-
-<p>Somewhat calmed by my exertion, I prepared to lie down, but a
-sentimental whim moved me like an automaton toward the window. It was
-the only really unreasoning thing I did.</p>
-
-<p>Like a prisoner denied the light on penalty of torture, I knelt down
-and looked under the blind. Never was the Sun so dazzling. This
-slightest lifting of the shade poured onto me a warmth that I had never
-known before.</p>
-
-<p>An old saying, invading my mind, destroyed the illusion, and laughing a
-bit nervously at "seeking his place in the Sun," I turned away and lay
-down.</p>
-
-<p>The dials on my new calendar clock registered 3:15, July 12. Reaching
-for my pad and pencil, I recorded this and then, refolding my hands
-across my chest, I lay quite still.</p>
-
-<p>The heat of the day had begun to saturate the closed room. Outside, all
-was quiet, as if the Sun had mesmerized the world. The insect hum of
-the electric clock was the only clue of life around me.</p>
-
-<p>Looming large above me in the mirror, the magnified reflection of my
-face calmed my mind with its placidity. Great-lidded Buddha eyes gazed
-down, holding in their glow my first understanding of Nirvana.</p>
-
-<p>I knew that it had come. I had reached the boundary where the fear of
-returnless going stopped the psyche just this side.</p>
-
-<p>My only body consciousness was the heavy <i>thud</i> ... <i>thud</i> ... <i>thud</i>
-of blood being driven through my veins. I toyed with stopping the
-thudding, feeling and savoring the pause between those sledge-hammer
-strokes on my brain&mdash;knowing that any one of those pauses lengthened to
-eternity was death.</p>
-
-<p>Suddenly I shrieked and sat upright. For an instant, my body had
-completely stopped and I had known it. Only a nameless grasping fear
-had snatched me back.</p>
-
-<p>My heart beat wildly as I gasped for air. With shaking hands, I poured
-a drink and gulped it down. It had been close.</p>
-
-<p>Still trembling, I arose and slumped into a chair. I had to organize
-myself, to think my way along this thing.</p>
-
-<p>What had happened to me?</p>
-
-<p>This one thing I knew: I <i>could</i> do it. I could stop my body at will
-and I had done it, if only for a second.</p>
-
-<p>This thought reassured me or perhaps the brandy opened my reserve of
-courage, for I had been sitting in the chair some time.</p>
-
-<hr class="tb" />
-
-<p>With caution, I approached the pallet. I regarded it with suspicion, as
-though there were a deadly scorpion in its folds. Then, jeering at my
-hesitation, I lay down and composed myself as before. The clock said
-5:05. I stirred again only to record this on the pad.</p>
-
-<p>Despite my nervousness, things proceeded faster this time. A morbid
-excitement carried me along the path I now already knew. And at its
-end, I flirted with the <i>stopping</i>. Going over and stepping back, going
-over and stepping back.</p>
-
-<p>It was a pleasure exquisite and unique. Once felt, it was unresistable.</p>
-
-<p>I was no longer afraid. I did not have to be. I could stop my body and
-start it at will. So I let it slip away from me. The thuddings ceased
-and only the pauses remained&mdash;silent, shapeless things in endless
-procession. And then the great silence. It flowed over me and I was
-lost.</p>
-
-<p>The silence was too heavy and my thoughts were not my own; they floated
-up away from me in the silence. I could feel them go, but there was
-nothing to bring them back. Each thought of protest winged its way
-into a void with all the rest.</p>
-
-<p>And nothing else remained but the will to live. As the silence lapped
-around this will, it grew until it alone was I. The silence washed
-about it, but it stood.</p>
-
-<p>Then the little rippings and the slicings and the tearings and the
-softening of things were there&mdash;heard without sound, felt without
-feeling, like the pulling of a tooth from a novocaine-deadened jaw.</p>
-
-<p>It was then I saw the face.</p>
-
-<p>Have you ever felt the terror of suddenly waking with a face&mdash;a face
-of eyes&mdash;staring into your unguarded and bewildered first glance? One
-feels as if this face would look into one's very life and wrest it from
-him. Perhaps it is a nascent fear of one's own mask of death.</p>
-
-<p>But I could not escape the mask. It loomed above me with gaping maw
-and staring eyes; eyes that seemed more dead and deadly as my vision
-cleared. The mirror enlarged the horror that lay below it.</p>
-
-<p>It was the wrench of nausea that pulled me from this nightmare. In the
-violence of the retching, I rolled from beneath the mirror and raised
-myself to hands and knees. I had knocked over the clock and it shouted
-up at me&mdash;10:05, July 15. Three days! Too long! Too horribly long!</p>
-
-<hr class="tb" />
-
-<p>Slowly I dragged myself to the telephone and pulled it from the stand.
-I remember nothing else until they brought me here.</p>
-
-<p>It's been eight days&mdash;eight days away from death, yet I'm closer to
-it now than ever before. And I can't <i>think</i> of it. The fear has come
-crashing through and I can't <i>think</i>.</p>
-
-<hr class="chap" />
-
-<div class="figcenter">
- <img src="images/illus.jpg" width="371" height="500" alt=""/>
-</div>
-
-<hr class="chap" />
-
-<p>This thing, this body is too far gone. I won't be able to make it move.
-I'll just feel it getting away&mdash;little by little&mdash;ripping apart cell by
-cell, and then everywhere all at once.</p>
-
-<p>I can feel it now. But in that great silence, I could almost hear the
-tearing&mdash;yet there was no sound.</p>
-
-<p>The doctors have given up all hope. I can see it in their faces. I
-could hear them talking among themselves when they brought me in. They
-had to give it a name. There's a certain safety in a name, you know.</p>
-
-<p>I would have told them, but I was afraid they'd laugh. The nurses would
-laugh and say to each other, "Have you heard what the one in 408 wanted
-in his case history?"</p>
-
-<p>I couldn't stand the laughter now.</p>
-
-<p>But that's the way my chart should read&mdash;Cause of Death:&mdash;<i>Death!</i></p>
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-<pre>
-
-
-
-
-
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-The Project Gutenberg EBook of Cause of Death, by Max Tadlock
-
-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
-almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or
-re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
-with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license
-
-
-Title: Cause of Death
-
-Author: Max Tadlock
-
-Release Date: February 6, 2016 [EBook #51137]
-
-Language: English
-
-Character set encoding: ASCII
-
-*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAUSE OF DEATH ***
-
-
-
-
-Produced by Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online
-Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
- CAUSE OF DEATH
-
- By MAX TADLOCK
-
- Illustrated by JOHNS
-
- [Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from
- Galaxy Science Fiction November 1955.
- Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that
- the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.]
-
-
-
-
- Reaching the ultimate secret was no problem ...
- but could I follow it up with an encore?
-
-
-About this thing, I couldn't stand to have them laugh. Not the way they
-did about the swimming.
-
-"Oh, come now. No one could learn to swim by reading a book.
-Five-eighths of a mile the first time in the water!"
-
-And they laughed. I guess I laughed, too. More than any other thing,
-I've wanted people to be happy. But I never swam again--only that first
-time.
-
-I've always read a lot and sometimes things I've read do get mixed up
-with things I've done. But the things still happened--they happened to
-_someone_. And people ought to _believe_.
-
-I'd like to tell people now. I'd like to say, "I died once."
-
-But if they laughed, it might be later and I'd never hear them. Already
-there are too many silent things in this. There must be no silent
-laughter as well.
-
-They might think I've got myself all mixed up with things I've read.
-Things like surgeons pumping life into a heart to bring the patient
-back after he's died on the operating table. Doctors reviving dead
-soldiers, if they haven't been gone too long.
-
-It's not like that at all. I was truly dead--for three days. It was
-almost too long; I suppose I made it back just in time. I don't know.
-
-My reading was what started me on this, just the same as with the
-swimming. When I think about it too much, I almost feel myself that I
-am exaggerating a bit.
-
-But I have proof, proof which no one has ever seen but the doctors and
-those who found me. See how they keep me swathed in these cloths and
-how the darkened room hides my eyes?
-
-Anyway, I'd be ashamed to show myself, for the mark of death is too
-terrible and people would be even more afraid of dying than they are
-now.
-
- * * * * *
-
-You see, I could have done it in the winter, only I was worried about
-the cold. I might not have been able to get back at all. But it was too
-warm when I chose to do it. I should have known better. I've read a
-lot about keeping things. You can't preserve them in the hot weather;
-that's why the doctors put those dead soldiers in ice chests, but I
-didn't think about it enough. I made some other mistakes, too, but I
-couldn't have known.
-
-I guess what started it all was something I read a long time ago,
-perhaps in a story, or an agricultural bulletin, or maybe in an
-encyclopedia. Anyhow, it was something about pigs being able to just
-die if they want to.
-
-That always stuck in my mind. It's a pretty wonderful thing, you know.
-Imagine just being able to die if life didn't seem worth living, or if
-you were lonely, or maybe just because you wanted to.
-
-Oh, I told lots of people about it. You know how sometimes a lull comes
-in a conversation. Then I'd say, "Pigs are able to just up and die if
-they want to."
-
-But nobody ever paid any attention to me at all. They seemed to ignore
-the remark. One man did say once, "What the hell are you talking
-about?" but even he wouldn't listen when I tried to explain.
-
-Perhaps it was just too improbable. Besides, people don't like to think
-about death. They talk about it sometimes and sometimes they brood
-about it, but they never really think. It has always been too unknown
-and that frightens them. Then they only fear and stop thinking.
-
-It always did seem sad to me that no one had ever tried to help people
-out about death. Yes, I know one did. He died and came back--but then
-He wasn't just a man like you or me. And even He never said exactly
-what it was like.
-
-I wondered if anyone really ever _had_ said. So I began to read with
-only a single purpose in mind. I had to know so I could tell people. If
-they could only know, then they wouldn't have that fear and we could
-talk of death and still be able to laugh.
-
-But I had read it all when I read of Jacob's dream, for that's all
-there was--dreams, visions, hopes. No one had ever seen and come back
-to tell the others.
-
-The question then was _why_, not _what_. It couldn't be that all who
-died had no whole being to return to. Not every death is marked by a
-body completely uninhabitable. I myself had heard a doctor say, "There
-is nothing organically wrong now. The patient will recover if only he
-has the will to live."
-
-_The will to live!_ Suddenly I knew I had found the way. I myself would
-go and see and return to tell them all.
-
- * * * * *
-
-I answered all the requirements. I had a healthy body to return to. I
-had the will to live, for I enjoy my reading and acquaintances. And I
-alone had thought it wonderful that pigs can die when they merely want
-to.
-
-I knew that I could, too, and I was not afraid. Very carefully, I began
-what seemed almost too simple preparations.
-
-Drawing some money from an account I kept for medical expenses (at the
-time I thought this very amusing), I bought an electric clock which
-registered the hour and the day of the month on cylinders like those on
-a tachometer. I felt I would want to know exactly how long I had been
-deceased when I came back.
-
-Next I secured a small round mirror with a concave face, the type
-some use for shaving. This I was to hang directly above my face. It
-was merely vanity on my part, for I wished to say that I as well as
-Lazarus's friends had seen a dead man rise. I had assumed that at first
-my vision might be blurred and thus the magnifying effect of this
-particular glass would, I thought, help me focus on my face.
-
-On my study floor, I prepared a pallet. It was neither soft nor hard,
-just a comfortable support for the body I was to leave. Beside it I
-arranged a basin of water and some soft cloths, for I would want to
-wash right after coming back.
-
-You see, I did not fear the obvious. My power lay in thought and I
-proceeded systematically.
-
-Drawn blinds and two small night-lights spread a gray cast over the
-room, a cast that I was to know too well.
-
-Everything was ready now. No, wait! Quickly I placed a tumbler and a
-decanter of brandy within easy reach and by them laid a pencil and
-a pad of paper. It was when I straightened up that I first felt the
-pounding in my body. My heart pulsed as if it were smashing waves of
-blood through my veins. In my throat, the large arteries swelled with
-pressure until I thought I would strangle.
-
-I had to have some physical exertion to relieve the tension. I felt
-I might faint or have a stroke unless I moved about. My father had
-been stricken with an embolism at about my age, and I've read such
-weaknesses are inherited.
-
-So I walked about the house rechecking the locks of windows and
-doors. Perhaps it was just to keep busy for a few more moments that
-I even rechecked the pads of cardboard with which I had muffled the
-bell-clappers on both telephone and door chime. I don't seem to have
-had many callers for several years now, but I had to avoid any chance
-of being disturbed.
-
- * * * * *
-
-Somewhat calmed by my exertion, I prepared to lie down, but a
-sentimental whim moved me like an automaton toward the window. It was
-the only really unreasoning thing I did.
-
-Like a prisoner denied the light on penalty of torture, I knelt down
-and looked under the blind. Never was the Sun so dazzling. This
-slightest lifting of the shade poured onto me a warmth that I had never
-known before.
-
-An old saying, invading my mind, destroyed the illusion, and laughing a
-bit nervously at "seeking his place in the Sun," I turned away and lay
-down.
-
-The dials on my new calendar clock registered 3:15, July 12. Reaching
-for my pad and pencil, I recorded this and then, refolding my hands
-across my chest, I lay quite still.
-
-The heat of the day had begun to saturate the closed room. Outside, all
-was quiet, as if the Sun had mesmerized the world. The insect hum of
-the electric clock was the only clue of life around me.
-
-Looming large above me in the mirror, the magnified reflection of my
-face calmed my mind with its placidity. Great-lidded Buddha eyes gazed
-down, holding in their glow my first understanding of Nirvana.
-
-I knew that it had come. I had reached the boundary where the fear of
-returnless going stopped the psyche just this side.
-
-My only body consciousness was the heavy _thud_ ... _thud_ ... _thud_
-of blood being driven through my veins. I toyed with stopping the
-thudding, feeling and savoring the pause between those sledge-hammer
-strokes on my brain--knowing that any one of those pauses lengthened to
-eternity was death.
-
-Suddenly I shrieked and sat upright. For an instant, my body had
-completely stopped and I had known it. Only a nameless grasping fear
-had snatched me back.
-
-My heart beat wildly as I gasped for air. With shaking hands, I poured
-a drink and gulped it down. It had been close.
-
-Still trembling, I arose and slumped into a chair. I had to organize
-myself, to think my way along this thing.
-
-What had happened to me?
-
-This one thing I knew: I _could_ do it. I could stop my body at will
-and I had done it, if only for a second.
-
-This thought reassured me or perhaps the brandy opened my reserve of
-courage, for I had been sitting in the chair some time.
-
- * * * * *
-
-With caution, I approached the pallet. I regarded it with suspicion, as
-though there were a deadly scorpion in its folds. Then, jeering at my
-hesitation, I lay down and composed myself as before. The clock said
-5:05. I stirred again only to record this on the pad.
-
-Despite my nervousness, things proceeded faster this time. A morbid
-excitement carried me along the path I now already knew. And at its
-end, I flirted with the _stopping_. Going over and stepping back, going
-over and stepping back.
-
-It was a pleasure exquisite and unique. Once felt, it was unresistable.
-
-I was no longer afraid. I did not have to be. I could stop my body and
-start it at will. So I let it slip away from me. The thuddings ceased
-and only the pauses remained--silent, shapeless things in endless
-procession. And then the great silence. It flowed over me and I was
-lost.
-
-The silence was too heavy and my thoughts were not my own; they floated
-up away from me in the silence. I could feel them go, but there was
-nothing to bring them back. Each thought of protest winged its way
-into a void with all the rest.
-
-And nothing else remained but the will to live. As the silence lapped
-around this will, it grew until it alone was I. The silence washed
-about it, but it stood.
-
-Then the little rippings and the slicings and the tearings and the
-softening of things were there--heard without sound, felt without
-feeling, like the pulling of a tooth from a novocaine-deadened jaw.
-
-It was then I saw the face.
-
-Have you ever felt the terror of suddenly waking with a face--a face
-of eyes--staring into your unguarded and bewildered first glance? One
-feels as if this face would look into one's very life and wrest it from
-him. Perhaps it is a nascent fear of one's own mask of death.
-
-But I could not escape the mask. It loomed above me with gaping maw
-and staring eyes; eyes that seemed more dead and deadly as my vision
-cleared. The mirror enlarged the horror that lay below it.
-
-It was the wrench of nausea that pulled me from this nightmare. In the
-violence of the retching, I rolled from beneath the mirror and raised
-myself to hands and knees. I had knocked over the clock and it shouted
-up at me--10:05, July 15. Three days! Too long! Too horribly long!
-
- * * * * *
-
-Slowly I dragged myself to the telephone and pulled it from the stand.
-I remember nothing else until they brought me here.
-
-It's been eight days--eight days away from death, yet I'm closer to
-it now than ever before. And I can't _think_ of it. The fear has come
-crashing through and I can't _think_.
-
-This thing, this body is too far gone. I won't be able to make it move.
-I'll just feel it getting away--little by little--ripping apart cell by
-cell, and then everywhere all at once.
-
-I can feel it now. But in that great silence, I could almost hear the
-tearing--yet there was no sound.
-
-The doctors have given up all hope. I can see it in their faces. I
-could hear them talking among themselves when they brought me in. They
-had to give it a name. There's a certain safety in a name, you know.
-
-I would have told them, but I was afraid they'd laugh. The nurses would
-laugh and say to each other, "Have you heard what the one in 408 wanted
-in his case history?"
-
-I couldn't stand the laughter now.
-
-But that's the way my chart should read--Cause of Death:--_Death!_
-
-
-
-
-
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