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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..550ae8e --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #50385 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/50385) diff --git a/old/50385-0.txt b/old/50385-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index ee5cb08..0000000 --- a/old/50385-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,6263 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Jack Straw, by W. Somerset Maugham - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: Jack Straw - A Farce in Three Acts - -Author: W. Somerset Maugham - -Release Date: November 4, 2015 [EBook #50385] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JACK STRAW *** - - - - -Produced by Chuck Greif and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images available at The Internet Archive) - - - - - - - - - - - _JACK STRAW_ - - - - - - - - _JACK STRAW_ - - _A FARCE_ - - _In Three Acts_ - - _BY W. S. MAUGHAM_ - - _LONDON: WILLIAM HEINEMANN_ - - _MCMXII_ - - _Copyright, London William Heinemann, 1912_ - -This play was produced at the Vaudeville Theatre on March 26, 1908, with -the following cast: - - - JACK STRAW CHARLES HAWTREY - COUNT VON BREMER H. R. HIGNETT - MARQUESS OF SERLO LOUIS GOODRICH - REV. LEWIS ABBOTT CHARLES TROODE - AMBROSE HOLLAND EDMUND MAURICE - MR. PARKER-JENNINGS ROBERT WHITE, JUNR - VINCENT PARKER-JENNINGS PERCY R. GOODYER - HEAD WAITER VINCENT ERNE - SERVANT NORMAN WRIGHTON - LADY WANLEY VANE FEATHERSTONE - ETHEL PARKER-JENNINGS DAGMAR WIEHE - ROSIE ABBOTT MONA HARRISON - MRS. WITHERS JOY CHATWYN - MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS LOTTIE VENNE - - - - - _JACK STRAW_ - - - - - _CHARACTERS_ - - - JACK STRAW - Mr. PARKER-JENNINGS - Mrs. PARKER-JENNINGS - VINCENT - ETHEL - AMBROSE HOLLAND - LADY WANLEY - LORD SERLO - COUNT ADRIAN VON BREMER - HORTON WITHERS - Mrs. WITHERS - The Rev. LEWIS ABBOTT - ROSIE ABBOTT - -Waiters at the Grand Babylon Hotel and Footmen at Taverner, the -Parker-Jennings’ place in Cheshire - - -TIME: _The Present Day_ - - -ACT I--_The Lounge of the Grand Babylon Hotel_ - -ACTS II and III--_The Parker-Jennings’ place in Cheshire_ - - _The Performing Rights of this play are fully protected, and - permission to perform it, whether by Amateurs or Professionals, - must be obtained in advance from the author’s Sole Agent, R. - Golding Bright, 20 Green Street, Leicester Square, London, W.C., - from whom all particulars can be obtained._ - - - - -JACK STRAW - - - - -THE FIRST ACT - - - SCENE: _The lounge and winter garden of the Grand Babylon Hotel. - There are palms and flowers in profusion, and numbers of little - tables, surrounded each by two or three chairs. Several people are - seated, drinking coffee and liqueurs. At the back a flight of steps - leads to the restaurant, separated from the winter garden by a - leaded glass partition and swinging doors. In the restaurant a band - is playing._ - - _Two or three waiters in uniform are standing about or serving - customers._ - - AMBROSE HOLLAND _and_ LADY WANLEY _come out from the restaurant. He - is a well-dressed, elegant man of five and thirty. She is a - handsome widow of uncertain age._ - -LADY WANLEY. - -[_Pausing at the foot of the steps._] Where shall we sit? - -HOLLAND. - -Let us choose a retired corner where we can gossip in peace. - -LADY WANLEY. - -Nonsense! I didn’t come to the Grand Babylon in order to blush unseen. I -caught sight of a number of people during luncheon, who I’m quite -determined shall catch sight of me now. - -HOLLAND. - -I was sufficiently gallant to have eyes for you only. - -LADY WANLEY. - -[_Pointing to a table._] Shall we sit there? - -HOLLAND. - -D’you mind sitting on the other side? The waiter’s rather a pal of mine. - -LADY WANLEY. - -[_Sitting down._] What queer friends you have. - -HOLLAND. - -Waiter. - -A WAITER. - -[_Coming forward._] Your waiter will be here in one minute, sir. - -HOLLAND. - -[_To_ LADY WANLEY.] You see, I’ve knocked about in so many places that I -have friends in every city in the world and every rank in life. - -LADY WANLEY. - -I suppose you saw the Parker-Jennings? They were sitting three tables -from us. - -HOLLAND. - -I did. - -LADY WANLEY. - -Do you know that she cut me dead when I came in? - -HOLLAND. - -I’ve long told you that Mrs. Parker-Jennings is growing exclusive. - -LADY WANLEY. - -But, my dear Ambrose, that she should have the impudence to cut me.... - -HOLLAND. - -[_Smiling._] I respect her for it. - -LADY WANLEY. - -I’m much obliged to you. - -HOLLAND. - -I don’t think it does much credit to her heart, but it certainly does to -her understanding. She has discovered that a title nowadays is not -nearly such a good passport to the world of fashion as she thought it -was. She knows you’re as poor as a church mouse, and she’s realised that -in Society the poor are quite rightly hated and despised by all who know -them. - -LADY WANLEY. - -Yes, but remember the circumstances. Five years ago the Parker-Jennings -didn’t know a soul in the world. They’d lived in Brixton all their -lives. - -HOLLAND. - -It has been whispered to me that in those days they were known as Mr. -and Mrs. Bob Jennings--not nearly so smart, is it? - -LADY WANLEY. - -He used to go to the City every morning with a black bag in one hand and -an umbrella in the other. - -HOLLAND. - -I wish that confounded waiter would come. - -LADY WANLEY. - -One day an uncle in the North, from whom they vaguely had expectations, -died suddenly and left them nearly two millions. - -HOLLAND. - -Some people are so lucky in the way they choose their uncles. - -LADY WANLEY. - -He was a hardware manufacturer, and no one dreamt that he had a tenth -part of that fortune. I came across them in Switzerland and found they -were looking for a house. - -HOLLAND. - -So, with a burst of hospitality, you asked them down to Taverner, and -they took it for twenty-one years. - -LADY WANLEY. - -I introduced them to every one in the county. I gave little parties so -that they might meet people. And now, if you please, the woman cuts me. - -HOLLAND. - -[_Dryly._] You have left out an essential detail in the account of your -relations with these good folk. - -LADY WANLEY. - -Have I? - -HOLLAND. - -[_Smiling._] You have omitted to mention that when they took Taverner -they agreed to pay an exorbitant rent. - -LADY WANLEY. - -They could well afford it. Besides, it was a historic place. It was -worth whatever I could get for it. - -HOLLAND. - -Parker-Jennings may be very vulgar, but he’s as shrewd a man as you’d -find anywhere between Park Lane and Jerusalem. - -LADY WANLEY. - -I haven’t the least idea what you’re talking about. - -HOLLAND. - -Haven’t you? Well, then, I venture to suggest that if Mr. -Parker-Jennings gave you such an enormous rent for Taverner, it was on a -certain understanding. He was wise enough to find out that people can -live in Cheshire all their lives and never know a soul. I don’t suppose -he put it in the agreement between you, but unless I am very much -mistaken he took your place only on the condition that you should get -every one to call. - -LADY WANLEY. - -[_After a brief pause._] I was crippled with mortgages, and I had to -send my boys to Eton. - -HOLLAND. - -Good heavens, I’m not blaming you. I only wish to point out that if you -introduced Mrs. Jennings to your friends, it was a matter of business -rather than of sentiment. - -LADY WANLEY. - -[_With a little laugh._] I suppose you think it’s very natural that she -should wish to kick away the ladder by which she climbed. - - [_A_ WAITER _comes up to_ HOLLAND. - -WAITER (JACK STRAW). - -Yes, sir. - -HOLLAND. - -Two coffees and two Benedictines. But you’re not my usual waiter. -Where’s Pierre? - -WAITER. - -[_Blandly._] He’s attending the funeral of an elderly female relative, -sir. - - [HOLLAND _looks up quickly, and then stares in a puzzled way_. - -HOLLAND. - -I seem to know your face. Have I seen you anywhere? - -WAITER. - -[_With a smile._] Mr. Ambrose Holland, I think. - -HOLLAND. - -Jack Straw! What on earth are you doing here? - -JACK STRAW. - -My dear fellow, it is possible to be no less of a philosopher in the -uniform of a waiter at the Grand Babylon Hotel than in the gown of a -professor at the University of Oxford. - - [_He goes out._ - -LADY WANLEY. - -[_Laughing._] It’s really very odd that waiters should address you as my -dear fellow. - -HOLLAND. - -What an extraordinary encounter! - -LADY WANLEY. - -Please tell me who your friend is. - -HOLLAND. - -I haven’t the ghost of an idea. - -LADY WANLEY. - -My dear Ambrose. - -HOLLAND. - -I first met him in the States. I was in considerable financial -difficulties in those days--it’s three or four years ago now--and I got -a small part in a travelling company. Jack Straw was a member of it, and -we became great friends. - -LADY WANLEY. - -Is that his name? - -HOLLAND. - -So he assures me. - -LADY WANLEY. - -It’s very improbable, isn’t it? - -HOLLAND. - -Very. I believe Jack Straw was a highwayman, or something like that, and -he’s given his name to a public-house in Hampstead. - -LADY WANLEY. - -He must be an extraordinary man. - -HOLLAND. - -He is. I don’t know whether I admire most his self-assurance or his -resourcefulness. I spent with him the last two years before my ship -came home. We had some pretty rough times together, but he was a pillar -of strength. Difficulties seemed to arise only that he might surmount -them. - -LADY WANLEY. - -He sounds quite splendid. - -HOLLAND. - -The worst of living with him was that you had no breathing-time. He’s a -man with an uncontrollable love of adventure. Prosperity bores him to -death, and time after time, when we’d managed to get out of rough water -into smooth, he’d throw up everything for some wild goose chase. - -LADY WANLEY. - -But who are his people? - -HOLLAND. - -Heaven only knows. I know he isn’t English, though he speaks it -wonderfully. - -LADY WANLEY. - -Is he by way of being a gentleman? - -HOLLAND. - -I can only tell you that he’s thoroughly at home in whatever society he -finds himself. - -LADY WANLEY. - -I daresay that’s not a bad definition of a gentleman. - -HOLLAND. - -He’s sailed before the mast, been a bar-tender in New York, and an -engine-driver on the Canadian Pacific. He’s been a miner up in the -Klondyke, and he’s worked on a ranch in Texas. And if he’s a waiter now, -I daresay he’ll be an organ-grinder next week, and a company-promoter -the week after. I’ve seen half a dozen fortunes within his grasp, and -he’s let them all slip through his fingers from sheer indifference to -money. - -LADY WANLEY. - -Here he is with the coffee. - - [JACK STRAW _comes in with coffee and liqueurs_. - -HOLLAND. - -I should be overwhelmed with confusion at allowing you to wait on me, if -I did not feel certain that it appeals enormously to your sense of -humour. - -JACK STRAW. - -It has occurred to me that you will feel a natural hesitation about -giving me a tip. I may as well tell you at once that I shall feel none -about taking it. - -HOLLAND. - -It’s thoughtful of you to warn me. How much do I owe you? - -JACK STRAW. - -Two shillings the coffee and three shillings the liqueur. The prices -seem exorbitant to me, but I suppose people must expect to pay for the -privilege of letting their friends see them at the best hotel in Europe. - -HOLLAND. - -[_Putting down a coin._] Don’t bother about the change. - -JACK STRAW. - -Half a sovereign. My dear fellow, when you offer me a tip of five -shillings you are presuming unwarrantably on our former acquaintance. - -HOLLAND. - -[_Helplessly._] I’m sure I beg your pardon. - -JACK STRAW. - -I will keep one shilling as an adequate remuneration for my services and -return you four. - -HOLLAND. - -I am overpowered by your condescension. - -JACK STRAW. - -[_To_ LADY WANLEY, _who has put a cigarette in her mouth_.] Light, -madam? - -HOLLAND. - -I should like to ask you to sit down. - -JACK STRAW. - -It would be eminently improper. Besides, I have other tables to attend -to. But I shall be delighted to dine with you to-night if you have no -other engagement. - -HOLLAND. - -It’s very kind of you. But will not your duties here detain you?... Mr. -Straw--Lady Wanley. - -JACK STRAW. - -[_Bowing._] How do you do. I’m only engaged here for the afternoon. Your -ladyship is aware that the lower orders make a speciality in the decease -of elderly female relatives. - -LADY WANLEY. - -I have often been impressed by the piety with which they bury their -maternal grandmothers. - -JACK STRAW. - -It appears that Pierre, an old acquaintance of mine, wished to attend -the funeral of a widowed aunt, the relic of an egg importer in Soho, and -a highly respectable person. - -LADY WANLEY. - -I can well imagine that nothing could be more respectable than to import -eggs to Soho. - -JACK STRAW. - -The head-waiter, who is an excellent fellow, with female relatives of -his own, promised to overlook his absence if he could find a substitute. -Pierre, like myself, is a person of somewhat striking physique and could -find no one able to wear his clothes. He confided his distress to me, -and I, knowing that his uniform would fit me like a glove offered, at -once to step into the--breach. - -HOLLAND. - -I am relieved to hear that your appearance in this capacity is not due -to embarrassed circumstances. - -JACK STRAW. - -I deplore the hastiness of your reasoning. My circumstances are -excessively embarrassed. Excuse me, I see some people who are proposing -to sit at one of my tables. - - [_Meanwhile people have been coming down from the restaurant and - sitting at the various tables. Waiters have been handing them - coffee._ HORTON WITHERS _and_ MRS. WITHERS _come down, accompanied - by the_ REV. LEWIS ABBOTT _and_ MRS. ABBOTT (ROSIE). JACK STRAW - _leaves_ HOLLAND _and_ LADY WANLEY _to attend to some people_. - -LADY WANLEY. - -There are the Withers. Why, they’ve got Rosie with them and her husband. - - [_She gets up and goes towards the_ WITHERS, _who are honest, - simple people, not distinguished, but good-natured and kindly_. - LEWIS ABBOTT _is a nice-looking, frank young parson_. ROSIE _is - very pretty and fragile. She is simply dressed._ - -LADY WANLEY. - -[_Smiling to_ ROSIE.] My dear, what are you doing in this sink of -iniquity? I am surprised to see you. And Lewis! - - [_She shakes hands, evidently delighted to see them._ - -WITHERS. - -We’ve brought them up to London for a little jaunt. - -HOLLAND. - -Won’t you all sit at our table? There’s plenty of room. - -WITHERS. - -That’s very kind of you. [_To his wife._] Fanny, you know Mr. Holland. - -MRS. WITHERS. - -Yes, of course I do. How do you do, Lady Wanley. - -LADY WANLEY. - -How do you do? Now you two young things must sit one on each side of me, -and you must tell me all about Taverner. - -ROSIE. - -Oh, we’re so happy there, and everything’s beautiful, and we just love -the house. - -LADY WANLEY. - -I don’t believe you know Mr. Holland. Ambrose, this is Rosie, Jasper -Neville’s daughter. You knew him well, didn’t you? - -HOLLAND. - -Of course I did. - -LADY WANLEY. - -And this is Rosie’s husband and my new Vicar at Taverner. - -ABBOTT. - -It makes me feel awfully grand. - -LADY WANLEY. - -I adore them both, so you must like them. These dear things were waiting -to be married. Lewis was a curate in some dreadfully shabby suburb, and -he’s a saint. - -ABBOTT. - -I wish you wouldn’t say such absurd things about me. - -LADY WANLEY. - -Nonsense. He’s a saint, but quite a modern nice sort of saint, who plays -cricket and doesn’t wear a hair shirt. And of course he couldn’t marry -Rosie, who hadn’t a penny to bless herself with, but Providence came to -the rescue and carried off our old Vicar with influenza. - -ROSIE. - -What dreadful things you say, Lady Wanley! - -LADY WANLEY. - -And the living’s in my gift, so I gave it to them, and there they are. - -ROSIE. - -You have been nice to us. - -LADY WANLEY. - -My dears, you’re the only really good people I’ve ever known in my life. -I used to think my boys were till they went to Eton, and now I know -they’re devils. - -WITHERS. - -We’re all under a debt of gratitude to you, Lady Wanley. Every one -worships them in the parish. - -ABBOTT. - -Every one’s been very jolly, and they all try to make things easy for -us. - -MRS. WITHERS. - -You know, they will work so hard, we could hardly persuade them to come -up to London for two or three days. - -WITHERS. - -I daresay you’ve heard that we’ve taken a little place near Taverner. - -HOLLAND. - -Lady Wanley was telling me at luncheon. - -LADY WANLEY. - -[_To_ ROSIE.] And are you enjoying yourself in London, darling? - -ROSIE. - -[_Enthusiastically._] Oh, it’s simply splendid. You don’t know what a -treat it is to us to come to the Grand Babylon. It makes us feel so -smart. And to-night we’re going to the Gaiety. - -LADY WANLEY. - -[_To_ WITHERS.] It’s very nice of you to be so good to these young -people. - -MRS. WITHERS. - -It’s a pleasure to us to see how they enjoy everything. - -ROSIE. - -D’you know the Parker-Jennings are here? Isn’t it nice? They will be -surprised when they see us, won’t they, Lewis? - -MRS. WITHERS. - -[_With a little sniff._] I see Maria Jennings has got a lord with her. - -HOLLAND. - -Serlo, isn’t it? I thought I saw him. - -WITHERS. - -I suppose you know they’re trying to hook him for Ethel? - -LADY WANLEY. - -Good heavens! - -MRS. WITHERS. - -[_With a shrug of the shoulders._] As long as he’s a Marquess, and he’s -that all right, Maria Jennings don’t mind the rest. - -LADY WANLEY. - -I hope Ethel will refuse to have anything to do with him. - -ROSIE. - -She’s a dear, isn’t she? I’m so fond of her, and she’s simply devoted to -Lewis. - -LADY WANLEY. - -My dear, do you never say anything against any one? - -ROSIE. - -[_With a laugh._] Seldom. Everybody’s so nice. - -LADY WANLEY. - -It must make conversation very difficult. But Ethel is a charming girl, -and I shouldn’t like her to fall into the hands of that disgraceful -young rip. - -MRS. WITHERS. - -She’s the only one of the family who hasn’t had her head turned by all -the money. - -LADY WANLEY. - -Of course you knew Mrs. Jennings before she was the exalted person she -is now. - -MRS. WITHERS. - -Bless you, I’ve known her all my life. We went to the Brixton High -School together, and I was a bridesmaid at her wedding. Why, we used to -be popping in and out of one another’s houses all day long. - -WITHERS. - -And now, if you please, she’ll hardly look at us. - -ABBOTT. - -I’m afraid people don’t much like her at Taverner, but she’s done -everything she could for us, and they’re awfully generous. - -ROSIE. - -I don’t care what anybody says about her, she’s been perfectly sweet to -me. She told me that I might come to the Hall whenever I wanted to, and -I’m always dropping in to lunch there. - -LADY WANLEY. - -Oh well, if they’re nice to you, I forgive them. Mrs. Jennings can cut -me till she’s blue in the face. - -ROSIE. - -Oh look, there’s the Count. - - [_A distinguished-looking old man comes out of the restaurant and - walks slowly down the steps._ - -LADY WANLEY. - -It’s Adrian von Bremer. How on earth d’you know him? - -ROSIE. - -I don’t, but he’s rented a place in Cheshire, and he came to church -once. - -LADY WANLEY. - -It’s the Pomeranian Ambassador, you know. - -MRS. WITHERS. - -I know him well by sight. - -LADY WANLEY. - -I wish he’d come and talk to us. I should like to introduce Lewis to -him. - -HOLLAND. - -He’s as blind as a bat. I don’t suppose he’ll see us. - - [_Meanwhile_ VON BREMER _has reflectively put an eyeglass in his - eye, and looks round as he walks out. He catches sight of_ LADY - WANLEY, _and smiling, comes up to her_. - -VON BREMER. - -How do you do. - -HOLLAND. - -You look as if you were just going. - -VON BREMER. - -I am. I had my coffee in the restaurant. - -LADY WANLEY. - -What is the news in Pomerania? - -VON BREMER. - -None except that our Emperor is growing old. All these domestic troubles -of his are breaking him down. - -LADY WANLEY. - -Poor old thing. - -HOLLAND. - -I suppose nothing has been heard of the Archduke Sebastian? - -VON BREMER. - -Nothing. We’ve given up the search. - -HOLLAND. - -[_To_ LADY WANLEY.] You remember that affair, don’t you? There was some -quarrel in the domestic circle, and the Archduke Sebastian suddenly -disappeared--four years ago, now, isn’t it?--and hasn’t been heard of -since. He simply vanished into thin air. - -LADY WANLEY. - -But how do you know he’s alive? - -VON BREMER. - -Every Christmas the Emperor receives a letter from him, sent from -different parts of the world, saying he’s well and happy. - -LADY WANLEY. - -It’s really very romantic. I wonder what on earth he’s doing. - -VON BREMER. - -Heaven only knows. - -LADY WANLEY. - -Tell me, how is that nice young _attaché_ of yours that I met at -luncheon the other day. - -VON BREMER. - -The nice young _attaché_ has come to a bad end. I’ve had to send him -back to Pomerania. - -LADY WANLEY. - -Really? - -VON BREMER. - -The story is rather entertaining. There’s an American woman here who has -a passion for titles, and it occurred to my _attaché_ one day to -introduce his valet to her as Count So-and-So. Of course she was full of -attentions and immediately asked the valet to dinner. Presently the -story came to my ears. I really couldn’t have my _attachés_ playing -practical jokes of that sort, and so I sent him home. - -LADY WANLEY. - -Poor boy, he was so nice. - -VON BREMER. - -Good-bye. - -LADY WANLEY. - -Oh, may I introduce Mr. Abbott to you. He’s your new Vicar at Taverner. -And this is Mrs. Abbott. You must be very nice to her. - -VON BREMER. - -I’m delighted to meet you. I’ve heard wonderful stories of your good -works in the parish. - -ABBOTT. - -It’s very kind of you to say so. - -VON BREMER. - -[_To_ ROSIE.] If you will allow me I should like to call on you when I -come down to Cheshire. - -ROSIE. - -I shall be so pleased to see you. - -VON BREMER. - -Good-bye. - - [_He bows and goes out._ - -ROSIE. - -Wasn’t it nice of him to say he’d call? You know, he never goes -anywhere. - -WITHERS. - -I can see Mrs. Jennings’ face when she hears that the Count has been to -see you, my dear. - -HOLLAND. - -Why do you say that? - -MRS. WITHERS. - -The Count lives next door to them in the country, and they’ve moved -heaven and earth to know him, but he simply won’t look at them. Maria -would give her eyes if he’d call on her. - -ROSIE. - -How can you say such horrid things about her! - - [_During the last two or three speeches_ MR. _and_ MRS. - PARKER-JENNINGS _come down the steps, followed by_ ETHEL, VINCENT - _and_ SERLO. SERLO _goes over to talk to a flashily dressed girl at - another table_. PARKER-JENNINGS _is a little stoutish man, very - common and self-assertive_. _His wife is of a determined - appearance, vulgar, and magnificently dressed._ VINCENT _is showy - and aggressive_. ETHEL _is very charming and very pretty_. SERLO - _is quite insignificant_. MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS _comes down the - centre of the stage, with her party, elaborately ignoring_ LADY - WANLEY’S _table_. ROSIE _gets up and goes to her impulsively_. MRS. - WITHERS _and her husband rise_. - -ROSIE. - -Mrs. Jennings, I am so glad to see you. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -[_Frigidly putting up her glasses._] Mrs. Abbott. - -WITHERS. - -Hullo, Bob, old man, how are the chicks? - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -We’re all in the best of ’ealth, thank you. - -ETHEL. - -[_Shaking hands with_ MRS. WITHERS.] I was hoping we should have a -chance of speaking to you. - -MRS. WITHERS. - -What a picture you look, my dear! What’s the matter with Vincent? Why -are you trying to look as if you’d never seen me before? - -VINCENT. - -You’ll never allow me to forget you, Mrs. Withers. - -MRS. WITHERS. - -No, I won’t. And many’s the time I’ve bathed you, my lad, in that little -back room in St. John’s Road, Brixton, and don’t you forget that either. - -ROSIE. - -[_Enthusiastically to_ MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.] Aren’t you surprised to -see us here? Mr. and Mrs. Withers are giving us such a treat. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -I shouldn’t ’ave thought this quite the place for a clergyman’s wife to -come to. I confess I’m surprised you should find time to leave your work -at Taverner in order to gad about in London. - - [ROSIE _is taken aback by the snub, and her face falls_. - -ROSIE. - -But we’re only here for a day or two. We shall be home on Thursday. I -was wondering if I might come up to luncheon as Lewis has got to go out. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -I’m expecting Lord Serlo’s mother and Lady Eleanor King to stay with me, -so perhaps you’d better not come up to the ’all for a few days. I’m sure -you understand, don’t you. I don’t want to ’urt your feelings, but I -don’t think you’re quite the sort of person they’d like to meet. - - [ROSIE _gives a little gasp_. - -ETHEL. - -[_Indignantly._] Mother. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -I’ll let you know when it’s convenient for you to call. I’m afraid -you’re a little inclined to be pushing, my dear. You don’t mind my -telling you, do you? It’s not quite the correct thing in a clergyman’s -wife. - - [_She turns her back on_ ROSIE, _who is left gasping. She tries to - choke her sobs, but tears of mortification roll down her cheeks._ - -LADY WANLEY. - -Oh, the cad, the cad. - - [_She makes_ ROSIE _sit down and comforts her_. - -ETHEL. - -Mother, how could you. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Hold your tongue, Ethel. I’ve been wanting to give those people a lesson -for some time. Where’s our table, Robert? - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -There are some people sitting there, my dear. We shall ’ave to take this -one. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Didn’t you tell the waiter to reserve it? Waiter! - -JACK STRAW. - -Yes, madam. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -You must tell those people that that table’s taken. - -JACK STRAW. - -I’m very sorry, madam. Will this one not do instead? - -ETHEL. - -Yes, mother. Let’s sit here. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -I’m not going to let people push me into any ’ole and corner they like. - -VINCENT. - -Cheek, I call it. - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Come on, sit down, mother. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -[_Unwillingly taking her seat at a vacant table._] How often ’ave I told -you not to call me mother? My name’s Marion; I’m sure you ought to know -it by now. - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Is it? I always thought it was Maria. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -[_To_ JACK STRAW.] What are you waiting there for? - -JACK STRAW. - -I thought the gentleman wished to give an order, madam. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Why didn’t you keep that table, eh? - -JACK STRAW. - -I’m very sorry, madam, I daresay I misunderstood you. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Don’t you know English? - -JACK STRAW. - -Perfectly, madam. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -I don’t know what they want to engage these dirty foreigners for, they -make me sick. - -ETHEL. - -Mother, he can hear every word you say. - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Two coffees, and bring all the liqueurs you’ve got. - -JACK STRAW. - -Very well, sir, cigars or cigarettes? - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Bring some cigars, and none of your twopenny stinkers. Bring the most -expensive cigars you’ve got. I’ll soon show them who I am. - -JACK STRAW. - -Very well, sir. - - [_Exit._ - -ETHEL. - -Mother, how could you be so brutal to poor Rosie. What has she done to -you? - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -I wish you wouldn’t call me mother, Ethel. It sounds so common. Why -don’t you call me mamma? - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Who’s ’is lordship talking to? - -VINCENT. - -Oh, that’s little Flossie Squaretoes. I’ll go and give her a look up in -a minute. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -I wish you were a little more like your brother, Ethel. He knows ’ow to -live up to ’is position. - -VINCENT. - -Aitches, mater, aitches. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Oh, you always say I drop my aitches, Vincent. Well, if I do I can -afford it. - -VINCENT. - -You’re wrong, mater, only the aristocracy can afford to drop their -aitches. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Oh, well, p’raps we shall be aristocracy one of these days, eh, Robert? - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -You leave it to me, my dear. If money can do it.... I say, ’is lordship -lapped up that ’ock of mine at luncheon, didn’t he? - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -I wish you could get out of that ’abit of yours of always looking at -what people eat and drink. And what if he did lap it up. You didn’t put -it there for people to look at, did you? - -VINCENT. - -I say, Ethel, you needn’t have turned your back on him all the time. - -ETHEL. - -I thought he drank too much. - -VINCENT. - -Your ideas are so beastly middle-class. You mustn’t expect a man like -Serlo to do things like--like the people we used to know at.... - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -That’ll do, Vincent. We all know quite well where we used to live before -your father’s poor uncle was taken, and you needn’t refer to it. [ETHEL -_shrugs her shoulders impatiently_.] It seems to me that Vincent and I -are the only ones of the family who know ’ow to live up to our position. -[JACK STRAW _comes up with the coffee and liqueurs. Another waiter hands -round the cigars._ SERLO _rejoins them_.] [_Very affably._] Come and sit -by me, Lord Serlo. Now what liqueurs will you ’ave? If there’s anything -you fancy, you just ask for it. - - [ROSIE _gives a little sob_. - -LADY WANLEY. - -Oh, my dear, don’t, don’t. You mustn’t mind. - -ROSIE. - -I feel so frightfully humiliated. She asked me to go to the hall -whenever I felt inclined, and I thought she really meant it. I never -knew that I wasn’t wanted. It’s so awful to know that they only thought -me horribly pushing. - -ABBOTT. - -By Jove, I wish it had been one of the men. I should have liked to knock -him down and stamp on him. - -LADY WANLEY. - -My dear Lewis, how nice and unchristian of you! I always said you were -just the right sort of saint for me. - -MRS. WITHERS. - -Wouldn’t you like to come away now, my dear? - -ROSIE. - -Oh yes, I feel I want to hide myself. - -LADY WANLEY. - -Good-bye darling, don’t take it too much to heart. [_The_ WITHERS, -ABBOTT, _and_ ROSIE _shake hands with_ HOLLAND _and_ LADY WANLEY, _and -go out_.] Did you ever hear anything so fiendish? Oh, if I could only -make that woman suffer as she’s made poor little Rosie suffer. -[_Suddenly_ LADY WANLEY _gets an idea. She leans forward._] Ambrose. - -HOLLAND. - -What’s the matter? - -LADY WANLEY. - -I’ve got it. - -HOLLAND. - -What d’you mean? - -LADY WANLEY. - -One of these days Mrs. Jennings will give her eyes not to have insulted -that poor child. I’m going to give her a lesson that she’ll never -forget. - -HOLLAND. - -She deserves pretty well anything that your feminine spite can suggest. - -LADY WANLEY. - -I can do nothing without you, Ambrose. - -HOLLAND. - -Don’t ask me to do anything very disreputable. - -LADY WANLEY. - -I’ve got her in the hollow of my hand, Ambrose. - -HOLLAND. - -Well? - -LADY WANLEY. - -Don’t you remember that story Adrian von Bremer told us about the -_attaché_? Let’s try it on Mrs. Jennings. - -HOLLAND. - -But.... - -LADY WANLEY. - -Oh, don’t make any objections. You _must_ remember. He introduced his -valet to a woman as a foreign nobleman of sorts. - -HOLLAND. - -I’m bound to say I thought it a very silly trick. - -LADY WANLEY. - -I have no patience with you. Think how exactly the punishment fits the -crime. What a triumph it would be if we got Mrs. Parker-Jennings to -take to her bosom.... - -HOLLAND. - -Who? - -LADY WANLEY. - -Your friend the waiter. I’m sure he’ll do it if you ask him. He’ll look -upon it as an adventure. - -HOLLAND. - -I don’t think he’d do it. He’s an odd fellow. - -LADY WANLEY. - -Oh, but ask him. There can be no harm in that. - -HOLLAND. - -It’s all very well. But one has to consider the possible complications. - -LADY WANLEY. - -There can’t be any complications. We only want to punish an insolent -snob who’s wantonly insulted a woman who never hurt a fly in her life. - - [JACK STRAW _comes up to their table_. - -JACK STRAW. - -Have you done with the Benedictine, sir? - -LADY WANLEY. - -Mr. Straw, will you do something for me? - -JACK STRAW. - -Anything in the world, madam. - -LADY WANLEY. - -Mr. Holland tells me you’re a man of spirit. - -JACK STRAW. - -Pray tell Mr. Holland he’s a man of discernment. - -LADY WANLEY. - -Are you ready still for any adventure that comes your way? - -JACK STRAW. - -So long as I can do it with clean hands. - -LADY WANLEY. - -Dear me. - -JACK STRAW. - -I daresay your ladyship thinks it odd that a waiter should have -susceptibilities. - -HOLLAND. - -Let me tell you at once that I highly disapprove of Lady Wanley’s idea. - -JACK STRAW. - -Then pray let me hear it. You always disapprove of everything that is -not hopelessly commonplace. - -LADY WANLEY. - -You told us just now that you were only temporarily engaged here. - -JACK STRAW. - -Quite right, madam. - -LADY WANLEY. - -You see those people over there--two women and three men? - -JACK STRAW. - -The elder lady was so amiable as to call me a dirty foreigner. - -LADY WANLEY. - -They’re the worst sort of _parvenus_. I think they’re the greatest snobs -in London. I have a little grudge against them. - -JACK STRAW. - -Yes? - -LADY WANLEY. - -[_Slightly embarrassed._] I want to introduce you to them--as a foreign -nobleman. - -JACK STRAW. - -[_Giving her a searching look._] Why? - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -[_Loudly._] Waiter. - -LADY WANLEY. - -It would amuse me to see them fawn upon you. - - [_A pause._ - -JACK STRAW. - -No, I’m afraid I can’t do that. - -LADY WANLEY. - -[_Frigidly._] Then we’ll say no more about it. - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -[_Loudly._] Waiter. - -JACK STRAW. - -[_Going to him._] Yes, sir. - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Why the devil don’t you hurry up. I’ve called three times. - -JACK STRAW. - -[_Blandly._] I’m very sorry, sir. I was engaged at another table. - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -You seem to think you can keep me waiting all day. I suppose that’s why -you’re called a waiter. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Robert, don’t make jokes with menials. - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -I’ve got a good mind to report you to the management. - -ETHEL. - -Papa, he came as quickly as he could. - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -This coffee’s disgusting. I don’t know what you make it out of. It -tastes like ditchwater. - -JACK STRAW. - -I’m very sorry, sir. Let me get you some more. - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -And look sharp about it, or you’ll find yourself decorated with an order -you don’t know in your country. - -JACK STRAW. - -I beg your pardon, sir? - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -The order of the boot. - -VINCENT. - -I can’t think why they don’t have English waiters in a smart hotel like -this instead of these damned foreigners. - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Now then, look slippy. - - [JACK STRAW _has fixed his eyes on_ ETHEL. _She has been looking - down. She gives him a glance. He takes the coffee things and gives - them to another waiter._ - -ETHEL. - -[_Her voice trembling with indignation._] How can you talk like that to -a man who can’t defend himself! It’s so cowardly to insult a servant who -daren’t answer. - -VINCENT. - -I should think not indeed. I should like to see any servant answer me. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -You never ’ave learnt ’ow to treat servants, Ethel. You always talk to -them as if they was one of ourselves. I wish you could take a leaf out -of Vincent’s book. Treat ’em like dirt, and they’ll respect you. - - [JACK STRAW, _having given instructions to the waiter, goes to_ - HOLLAND _and_ LADY WANLEY. - -JACK STRAW. - -I’m willing to do what you asked me to. - -HOLLAND. - -Why have you changed your mind? - -JACK STRAW. - -To tell you the truth I’m perfectly indifferent to the rudeness and the -vulgarity of your friends, but I think I should like to know that young -lady. - -HOLLAND. - -Would you, by Jove! - -JACK STRAW. - -When her father insulted me, the most ravishing colour came into her -pale cheeks, and she looked at me with the most beautiful eyes in the -world. And they were veiled with tears. - -LADY WANLEY. - -And is that enough to make you change your mind? - -HOLLAND. - -Fortunately Mr. Straw is not in the habit of falling in love, or I -should refuse to hear anything more of this cracked-brained scheme. - -LADY WANLEY. - -When will you be ready? - -JACK STRAW. - -I’m ready now. It’s three o’clock, and Pierre is waiting in the basement -to put on this uniform. - -LADY WANLEY. - -We couldn’t find a better place than this to effect an introduction. - -JACK STRAW. - -Give me two minutes to change my clothes, and I am at your service. - -LADY WANLEY. - -You have indeed an adventurous spirit. - -JACK STRAW. - -But I must make one condition--two, in fact. - -LADY WANLEY. - -What are they? - -JACK STRAW. - -Well, although you have glided over the point with singular discretion, -it is plain that you do not want me to assume a certain character merely -in order to enjoy a private snigger at the expense of these amiable -people. - -LADY WANLEY. - -I don’t think I know what you mean? - -JACK STRAW. - -Madam, it is always dangerous to count too much on the stupidity of -one’s fellows. We shall arrange this matter much better if you realise -that I’m a person of some shrewdness. - -HOLLAND. - -Go on. - -JACK STRAW. - -It is evident that you wish these good folk to take me to their bosom in -order that you may have the opportunity of telling them one day that I’m -merely an impostor. - -LADY WANLEY. - -I really hadn’t thought about that. - -JACK STRAW. - -I venture to suspect that you rate your intelligence too low. - -LADY WANLEY. - -Well, what is your condition? - -JACK STRAW. - -The position will be very humiliating to me. For all I know it may bring -me into uncomfortable relations with the police. - -HOLLAND. - -I think the whole plan had better be dropped. It will lead to endless -bother. - -JACK STRAW. - -I have no wish to drop it. You want to revenge yourself on some people -who have insulted you. I, for reasons of my own, am willing to help. But -I make the condition that you do not disclose the truth till I give you -leave. I promise not to withhold it unreasonably. - -LADY WANLEY. - -I accept that. And the second condition? - -JACK STRAW. - -Is very easy. I insist that you should behave towards me, whether we’re -alone or in public, as you naturally would if I were really the -individual I propose to personate. - -LADY WANLEY. - -That’s only fair. Now who can we suggest that you should be? - -HOLLAND. - -You’d better try and invent some character who you’re quite sure doesn’t -exist. - -LADY WANLEY. - -We want something very extravagant and high-sounding. - -JACK STRAW. - -Pray do not put yourselves to the trouble of thinking. You will -introduce me to your friends as the Archduke Sebastian of Pomerania. - -HOLLAND. - -What! - -LADY WANLEY. - -But that’s a real person! - -JACK STRAW. - -To invent an imaginary one would be ridiculous. Your friends would only -need to look in the Almanack de Gotha to discover the fraud. - -LADY WANLEY. - -But Count von Bremer was talking to us about him just now. The Archduke -Sebastian is the man who mysteriously disappeared. - -JACK STRAW. - -It’s because his whereabouts are unknown that he’s the safest person to -choose. - -HOLLAND. - -You would never be able to pass yourself off for an Archduke. - -JACK STRAW. - -Strange as it may seem to you, a royal prince eats, drinks, breathes, -and behaves generally very much like men of baser clay. - -LADY WANLEY. - -You’d be found out in a week. - -JACK STRAW. - -But how do you know I’m not the Archduke Sebastian? - -HOLLAND. - -[_With a scornful laugh._] You look it. - -LADY WANLEY. - -But you’d want a suite and all sorts of things. - -JACK STRAW. - -The man is notoriously eccentric. I think it very likely that the -company of a stuffy old Colonel of Dragoons would bore him to death. - -HOLLAND. - -It’s preposterous. - -JACK STRAW. - -You may either take it or leave it. I will be the Archduke Sebastian or -nobody. - -LADY WANLEY. - -After all, Mrs. Jennings will probably never have heard of this trumpery -Archduke. - -JACK STRAW. - -And if she has, what more probable than that, having had enough of -retirement, he should enter once more upon the position which is his by -rights? - -LADY WANLEY. - -[_Looking at_ HOLLAND.] It makes the joke infinitely better. - -JACK STRAW. - -You must make up your minds at once. - -LADY WANLEY. - -Ambrose, let’s toss. Heads it is, and tails it isn’t. - -HOLLAND. - -All right. [_He tosses a coin._] Tails. - -LADY WANLEY. - -I said, tails it is, didn’t I?... I’m willing to risk it. - -JACK STRAW. - -Give me two minutes. - - [_He goes out._ - -HOLLAND. - -Heaven only knows what will be the end of it. - - [LORD SERLO _comes up to them_. - -SERLO. - -Hello, Ambrose. How’s life? How d’ye do? - -LADY WANLEY. - -What have you been doing? - -SERLO. - -I’ve been lettin’ Jennings’ Patent Hardware stand me a lunch. My word, -that old woman’s so vulgar she just about takes the roof of your head -off. - -HOLLAND. - -Why do you lunch with people you thoroughly despise? - -SERLO. - -Despise ’em! I don’t despise people who’ve got eighty thousand a year. -They’re trying to hook me for their girl. - -HOLLAND. - -And are you proposing to--throw yourself away? - -SERLO. - -She’s a very neat-steppin’ little filly--swallowed a poker in her -childhood--regrettable accident in the nursery, don’t you know, but -sound in wind and limb and all that sort of thing. - -LADY WANLEY. - -I admire your romantic air. - -SERLO. - -Whoever talked of romance? There’s half a million down on one side and -an old-established marquisate on the other. - -HOLLAND. - -When is the happy event to take place? - -SERLO. - -Well, as soon as we can get over a triflin’ impediment. - -LADY WANLEY. - -What’s that? - -SERLO. - -Well, the filly’s kicking. Have to put a red ribbon on her tail, don’t -you know. - -LADY WANLEY. - -She’s refusing the coronet you lay at her feet? - -SERLO. - -Won’t touch it with the fag end of a barge pole. I was sittin’ next to -her at lunch, and she simply turned her back on me--no mistakin’ it, -don’t you know. Wouldn’t let me get a word in edgeways. Mother’s all -over me, father’s all over me, son’s all over me. What’s the good of -that? Can’t marry them. Rotten, I call it. Came over here to have a bit -of a rest. - -LADY WANLEY. - -[_Laughing._] And how d’you like Vincent? - -SERLO. - -Rotten bounder. Can’t stick him at any price, knows too many lords for -me. When he’s my brother-in-law--hoof him out, don’t you know--double -quick march. Pretty Polly’s all very well but I’m not takin’ her family. -Can’t do it for half a million, don’t you know. Must be practical. - - [VINCENT _comes up to them_. - -VINCENT. - -How d’you do, Lady Wanley? I saw you driving with Lady Mary Ware -yesterday. Such a nice girl, isn’t she? I suppose you know her brother -Tregury, don’t you? Great pal of mine at Oxford. - -LADY WANLEY. - -He’s my second cousin, Mr. Jennings, and he pronounces his name -Tregary. - -VINCENT. - -Oh yes, of course. I always used to call him Tregury for fun. - -LADY WANLEY. - -Did you? - -HOLLAND. - -You have a very keen sense of humour. - -VINCENT. - -I was just having an argument with the mater as to what relation he was -to the Duke of Sherwin. - -LADY WANLEY. - -I’m afraid I haven’t your intimate knowledge of the peerage, but I -should think the only relation they’ve had in common for the last two -centuries is that lamented monarch, Charles II. - -VINCENT. - -[_To_ SERLO.] Nice chap, Sherwin. - -SERLO. - -Dunno him. - -VINCENT. - -Don’t you? Not know Sherwin? I must introduce you to him. I’m sure he’d -like to know you. Thorough sportsman. - -SERLO. - -Is he? - -VINCENT. - -Yes, rather. I saw him looking on at a cricket match the other day. -Great pal of my governor’s, you know. Thorough English gentleman. - -SERLO. - -They’d get on well together. - -LADY WANLEY. - -[_To_ HOLLAND.] Here is our friend. - - JACK STRAW _comes in, hat and cane in hand. He wears a very smart - suit, tail coat, grey trousers, &c._ - -JACK STRAW. - -I’m so sorry I couldn’t come to lunch with you. - - [_He shakes_ LADY WANLEY’S _hand, she slightly curtsies to him_. - MRS. JENNINGS _nudges her husband, and they both stare with all - their eyes_. - -LADY WANLEY. - -It’s very good of you to have come now, sir. - -JACK STRAW. - -Ah, my dear Holland, you are looking the picture of health. - -HOLLAND. - -It’s very kind of you, sir. - -LADY WANLEY. - -May I introduce Lord Serlo to you? - -JACK STRAW. - -[_Shaking hands with him._] How d’you do. I think your father was -ambassador in Pomerania for some time. - -SERLO. - -Yes, he was. - -HOLLAND. - -[_Surprised._] How did you know that--sir? - -JACK STRAW. - -I remember him quite well. He used to play with me when I was a little -boy. I was so sorry to hear of his death. - -SERLO. - -He wasn’t a bad old buffer. Kept me dooced short of money, though. - -JACK STRAW. - -[_Gaily._] But unless you introduce me to Lord Serlo he won’t know who -on earth I am. - -LADY WANLEY. - -I thought every one knew, at least by sight, the--Archduke Sebastian of -Pomerania. - -JACK STRAW. - -You talk of me as if I were a notorious character. [_Meanwhile_ VINCENT -_has been making frantic signs to be introduced, coughing and shuffling -on his feet_. JACK STRAW _looks at him through his eyeglass_.] Won’t you -introduce your friend to me? - -LADY WANLEY. - -Mr. Vincent Parker-Jennings. - -VINCENT. - -I’m very proud and honoured to make your Royal Highness’s acquaintance. - -JACK STRAW. - -It’s very polite of you to say so. - -VINCENT. - -I’ve always had a great sympathy for Pomerania. Most wonderful country -in Europe, that’s what I always say. - -JACK STRAW. - -I will tell my grandfather you think so. He will be pleased and -flattered. - -VINCENT. - -I haven’t ever been there, you know, sir. But I know all about it -through Adrian von Bremer. - -HOLLAND. - -[_Hastily._] Your ambassador lives quite near Mr. Jennings. - -JACK STRAW. - -Oh yes. - -VINCENT. - -His place marches with ours, don’t you know. He’s a great pal of my -people’s. Jolly old thing, isn’t he, sir? Thorough sportsman. That’s -what I call a gentleman. - -JACK STRAW. - -I seem to know your name so well. - -LADY WANLEY. - -Mr. Parker-Jennings is the great philanthropist. He’s provided books to -put in all Mr. Carnegie’s free libraries. - -JACK STRAW. - -What a noble act. I should very much like to make his acquaintance. - -VINCENT. - -He’s sitting over there with my mother and sister. Shall I go and fetch -him, sir? - -JACK STRAW. - -It’s very kind of you to take so much trouble. - -HOLLAND. - -[_To_ JACK STRAW _in an undertone_.] For goodness sake be careful. - -JACK STRAW. - -[_Putting up his eyeglass._] I beg your pardon, I did not catch what you -said.... Pray repeat it. - -HOLLAND. - -[_Embarrassed._] It was of no consequence, sir. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -[_To_ VINCENT.] Who is he, Vincent? I saw ’er curtsey to him. - -VINCENT. - -Come along, pater. He wants to be introduced to you. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -I’m coming too, Vincent. - -VINCENT. - -Awfully jolly chap. Archduke Sebastian. What ho! - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -But look here, Vincent, I don’t know how to talk to Royalty. How shall I -address him? - -VINCENT. - -Oh, that’s all right. Say _Sir_ wherever you can slip it in and when you -can’t say _Royal Highness_. - - [JACK STRAW _comes forward a little with_ LADY WANLEY. - -LADY WANLEY. - -This is Mrs. Parker-Jennings. - -JACK STRAW. - -[_Shaking hands with her._] I’m delighted to make your acquaintance. -[_Turning to_ PARKER-JENNINGS.] I have often heard of you, Mr.... Mr.... - -LADY WANLEY. - -[_Prompting._] Parker-Jennings. - -JACK STRAW. - -[_With a relieved smile._] Mr. Parker-Jennings. I’m sure I wish we had -in my country more men of your public spirit and disinterestedness. - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -[_Very nervously._] I try to do my little best, you know, sir, your -Royal Highness. - -JACK STRAW. - -Won’t you introduce me to your daughter? - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -I’m sure, sir, your Royal Highness is very affable. Ethel! - - [ETHEL _slowly comes forward, and curtsies_. _He looks at her - steadily, takes her hand and kisses it._ - -VINCENT. - -[_In an undertone._] What ho! - - -END OF THE FIRST ACT. - - - - -THE SECOND ACT - - - _The drawing-room at Taverner, the_ PARKER-JENNINGS’ _place in - Cheshire_. _Large French windows lead out on to the garden._ MRS. - PARKER-JENNINGS, _magnificently dressed, is standing in the middle - of the room_. PARKER-JENNINGS _comes in, rubbing his hands_. - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -The band has come, my dear, and they’re ready to start playing the -moment any one turns up. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -’Ave you told ’em about the Pomeranian anthem? - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -What do you think, my dear? - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -I wish you wouldn’t answer me like that. Why don’t you say yes or no? I -can’t abide these city ways of yours. - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -I was only being facetious, my dear. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -I should ’ave thought you’d learned by now that it’s vulgar to be funny. -You’ve never ’eard a duchess make a joke, ’ave you? - -VINCENT _comes in_. - -VINCENT. - -I’ve just been round the refreshment tents. There’s one thing, people -can’t say we haven’t spread ourselves out. - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -[_Rubbing his hands._] I ’aven’t spared a single expense. The band’s -down from London, and the refreshments are from Gunter’s. There’s not a -cigar on the place that cost less than one and six--and that’s the -wholesale price. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Oh, we’ve done it well, there’s no denying that. I’ve asked the Withers, -Robert. Florrie Withers will be mad with jealousy. I shouldn’t wonder if -she didn’t choke with envy when she swallowed a caviar sandwich. - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -It was a rare stroke of business when we got the Archduke to come and -stay. - -VINCENT. - -That’s through me, pater. You’d never have known him if I hadn’t been on -the spot. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -And I’ve asked Lady Wanley. I just want her to see that I can get on -without her. All the county’s coming. I sent ’em all cards, whether I -knew ’em or not, and they’ve all accepted. - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Don’t you remember, Marion, how bucked we were in the old days when Mrs. -Bromsgrove came to dine with us, because her husband was on the L.C.C.? - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -I wish she could see me now. D’you remember ’ow she used to patronise -me? I wish all that stuck-up lot on Brixton ’ill was here to see us -’ob-nob with the aristocracy. - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -It’s the Archduke that done it, my dear. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -What’s Serlo now? Marquis of Serlo--pooh. He isn’t going to get any more -opportunities from me--and if he says anything I’ll just send him off -with a flea in his ear. - -VINCENT. - -Draw it mild, mater. - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Your mother’s a great woman, Vincent. This is the day of her life. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -I wish I ’adn’t been such a fool as to ask Serlo to stay here. And it’s -just like that aggravating girl. When I wanted Ethel to marry him, she -wouldn’t so much as look at him, and now that she can have some one else -for the asking, she’s with ’im all day. - -VINCENT. - -Well, I’m for the bird in the hand, mater. The Archduke don’t look much -like a marrying man to me. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Don’t you worry about that, my dear. Every man’s a marrying man when -he’s got a chance of a pretty girl with ’alf a million of money. - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Here she is. - -ETHEL _comes in with_ LORD SERLO. - -ETHEL. - -The Withers have just motored over, mother. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -They would be first, wouldn’t they? I expect Florrie Withers was waiting -on the doorstep till the clock struck four. Where’s his Royal Highness? - -ETHEL. - -I don’t know at all. - -SERLO. - -He’s asleep in the garden; he’s sittin’ in the most comfortable -arm-chair in the place, with another for each of his legs, and he’s -clasping in his hands what looks suspiciously like a very long gin and -soda to me. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Well, somebody must go and wake him up. I’ve asked ’alf the county to -meet him, and he can’t go on sleeping. - -JACK STRAW _comes in_. - -JACK STRAW. - -I say, what have you got a beastly band playing the Pomeranian anthem -for? Woke me up. I was having such a jolly sleep too. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -[_Very affably._] The people are just coming, sir. - -JACK STRAW. - -What people? - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -All the very best people in Cheshire, sir--no outsiders to-day. What ho! - -JACK STRAW. - -Good lord, are you giving a party? - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Don’t you remember, sir? I asked if I might invite a few friends to meet -you. - -JACK STRAW. - -Oh, yes--Lady Wanley and Holland. I thought we might have a jolly little -game of bridge in the garden. What have you got the village band in for? - -VINCENT. - -That’s not the village band, sir. That’s the Royal Blue Orchestra. - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Cost me £150 to have them down. Special train from London, and I don’t -know what all. - -VINCENT. - -Shut up, pater. You needn’t tell every one how much you paid for things. - -JACK STRAW. - -How many do you expect? - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Oh--only my most intimate friends--about.... - -JACK STRAW. - -Yes? - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Well, about three hundred and fifty. - -JACK STRAW. - -By George, that’s cheerful. D’you want me to shake hands with them all? - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -They’re the very best people in the county, sir. _Crème de la crème._ - - _A servant enters to announce_ MR. _and_ MRS. WITHERS. - _They come in._ - -SERVANT. - -Mr. and Mrs. Withers. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -How d’you do? It’s so nice of you to come before any one else. - -MRS. WITHERS. - -We know you’re not used to these grand affairs, Maria, and we thought -you might want a couple of old friends to do something for you. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Oh, thank you. But there are plenty of servants. May I introduce Mr. and -Mrs. Withers to your Royal ’Ighness. - -JACK STRAW. - -How d’you do. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -We were just going into the garden. I daresay people will begin to come -presently. - - [_They all go out except_ ETHEL _and_ LORD SERLO. - -SERLO. - -I say, I’m going to hook it to-morrow. - -ETHEL. - -Are you? I’m very sorry. - -SERLO. - -I wish I thought that. - -ETHEL. - -Why are you going so soon? - -SERLO. - -Your respected mother has given your humble notice to quit. - -ETHEL. - -What do you mean? - -SERLO. - -Look here, let’s be frank with one another, shall we? - -ETHEL. - -Aren’t we always? - -SERLO. - -Well, if you ask me point blank, anythin’ but. - -ETHEL. - -Then let us be frank at once. - -SERLO. - -Well, ten days ago your people were all over me. I suppose you know why -as well as I do. - -ETHEL. - -D’you think we need talk of that? - -SERLO. - -Frankness is rather tryin’, ain’t it? - -ETHEL. - -No. Please go on. - -SERLO. - -It was dear Lord Serlo all day long; they couldn’t have enough of me. -Rippin’ good chap, Serlo. Just the sort of cove one would like to have -for a son-in-law. - -ETHEL. - -Lord Serlo! - -SERLO. - -Half a mo. I ain’t done yet. Eminently suitable match, and all that sort -of thing, only the young lady couldn’t stick me at any price. - -ETHEL. - -I don’t know why you should say this. - -SERLO. - -Better have it out, you know; rotten, keepin’ things on your chest. -Don’t blame the young lady. Don’t know that I should much fancy myself -if I was a blushing damsel. Not everybody’s money. Got a bit damaged in -transit, eh, what? Been mixed up in one or two scandals. Not the right -thing for an old-established marquess. Bit inclined to drink. No harm in -him, you know, but not the sort of man you’d like to spend the rest of -your life with. Young woman got a mind of her own. Lets the noble lord -see she wouldn’t take him if he was given away with a pound of tea. All -right, says noble lord, bet’s off. Not much, says mother of young woman. -Half a million goin’ beggin’. Give her time to get used to you. -Fascinating cove really. More she knows you more she’ll like you. Come -down and stay in the country. - -ETHEL. - -[_With a laugh._] How can you talk such nonsense! - -SERLO. - -All right, says noble lord, I’m on. Jolly nice girl, and all that sort -of thing. Noble lord rather smit. Thinks if she’ll have him he’ll turn -over a new leaf--give up everythin’ rotten and try and make her a good -husband. Rather taken with the idea of double harness. He may look a -fool, but noble lord knows a good thing when he sees it, and the young -lady’s about the best thing he’s ever set eyes on. - -ETHEL. - -Are you talking seriously by any chance? - -SERLO. - -Now don’t interrupt me. I’ve just got into a good steady canter, and -I’ll get it all off my chest at once. - -ETHEL. - -I’m so sorry. - -SERLO. - -Well, when eligible marquess gets down in the country, what d’you think -he finds? Blessed if there ain’t a foreign prince on the scene. My word, -that’s enough to put the noble lord’s aristocratic nose right out of -joint, ain’t it? Look here, old boy, you keep your weather eye open, and -all that sort of thing, says the noble lord to himself. May be an ass, -don’t you know, but when there’s a bloomin’ hurricane comin’ along he -can see which way the wind is blowin’. Brother rather chilly, father -rather chilly, mother regular iceberg. All right, says noble lord to -himself, but what about Pretty Polly? - -ETHEL. - -Is that me by any chance? - -SERLO. - -For the last month Pretty Polly had been simply turnin’ her back on -noble lord, snubbin’ him right and left, and all of a sudden she becomes -extraordinary affable. Hulloa, what’s this, says noble lord, and his -little heart goes pit-a-pat. He may be a fool, but he ain’t a damned -fool, and in a day or two he tumbles to it. So, like a wise man, he -packs his bag and hooks it. - -ETHEL. - -I don’t know what on earth you mean? - -SERLO. - -Don’t you? Well, will you have it straight from the shoulder? - -ETHEL. - -We agreed to be quite frank. - -SERLO. - -All right. No spoof. My dear, I just saw that you were fairly knocked -silly by the Archduke, and there wasn’t a ghost of a chance for little -Ned Serlo. - -ETHEL. - -It’s not true. - -SERLO. - -Oh, yes, it is. You see, I’m a bit knocked silly myself, and that makes -you precious far-sighted. - -ETHEL. - -You! - -SERLO. - -All right, you needn’t get up on your hind legs. I’m not goin’ to -propose to you now. I know it would be no precious good. At first I -didn’t care twopence; it was just a business arrangement--half a -million down on one side and an old-established marquisate on the other. -But now.... Well, you know I’m rather an ass at saying what I mean--when -I really mean it. - -ETHEL. - -I’m very sorry. I’m afraid I’ve been unkind to you. - -SERLO. - -Oh, no, you haven’t. I do seem a rotten little bounder, don’t I? - -ETHEL. - -No, I think you might be an awfully good friend. - -SERLO. - -It’s jolly of you to say so. You know, I can’t stick your family. Can -you? - -ETHEL. - -[_Smiling._] You see, I knew them before they were rich. When you’ve -lived all your life in a sordid narrow way, it’s very hard to have such -enormous wealth as ours. - -SERLO. - -You make allowances for them, but you never did for me. - -ETHEL. - -It would have been very impertinent of me. - -SERLO. - -It never struck you that it’s devilish hard to be a marquess with no -means of livelihood but your title. And the worst of a title is that -it’ll get you plenty of credit, but dooced little hard cash. - -ETHEL. - -I never thought of that. - -SERLO. - -Well, look here, what I wanted to say is this: it’s no business of mine -about the Archduke. You know, I don’t know much about royalty, but I -don’t think a foreign prince is likely to marry the daughter of nobody -in particular just because she’s got nice eyes and a pot of money. -[ETHEL _is about to speak_.] No, let me go on. You may be going to have -a rotten time, and I just want you to know that if at any time you want -me--well, you know what I mean, don’t you. Let’s forget that you’re an -heiress, and I’m an old-established marquess. You’re an awfully ripping -sort, and I’m just Ned Serlo. I’m not a bad sort either, and perhaps we -might be happy together. - -ETHEL. - -[_Touched._] It’s very charming of you. I’m so glad that I know you -better now. Whatever happens I know I can count on you. - -SERLO. - -That’s all right then. Meanwhile noble lord’s goin’ to hook it--leave -the coast clear, and bear it like a man, don’t you know. - -_Enter_ JACK STRAW. - -JACK STRAW. - -Well, how are the weather and the crops? - -SERLO. - -[_Rather surprised._] Blessed if I know, sir. - -JACK STRAW. - -I merely asked because you looked as if you’d been discussing them. - - [_He gives_ SERLO _a glance_. SERLO _shows no sign of moving_. - -JACK STRAW. - -I’m not driving you away, am I? - -SERLO. - -[_Getting up._] Not at all, sir. I thought I’d go and have a look at the -party. - -JACK STRAW. - -Do go and pretend you’re me, there’s a good fellow, and shake hands with -some of those confounded people. You’ll see where I ought to stand, -because there’s a little piece of red carpet on the lawn. - -SERLO. - -I’m afraid they’re not takin’ any of me, sir. - - [_Exit._ - -JACK STRAW. - -The only advantage I’ve ever been able to find in being a royal -personage is that when anybody’s in your way you just tell him to go, -and he goes. - -ETHEL. - -Why did you want Lord Serlo to go, sir? - -JACK STRAW. - -Because I wanted to be alone with you. Ask me another, quickly. - -ETHEL. - -Oughtn’t I to help mother to receive people? - -JACK STRAW. - -I’m sure you ought. But, you see, that’s another advantage of being a -royal personage, that you can’t go till I give you your dismissal. I -say, don’t you hate parties? - -ETHEL. - -Dreadfully. - -JACK STRAW. - -So do I. Let’s pretend there isn’t one, shall we? I say, why don’t you -sit down and make yourself comfy? - -ETHEL. - -I should like to have a little talk with you, sir. - -JACK STRAW. - -That’s jolly. I wish we had a regiment of soldiers there to turn all -those people out. - -ETHEL. - -May I say anything I like to you, sir? - -JACK STRAW. - -Good heavens, why not? - -ETHEL. - -Until I was sixteen the most exalted person I’d ever met in my life was -a London County Councillor. I’m not quite sure if I know how to behave -with royal personages. - -JACK STRAW. - -Why on earth don’t you buy a book on etiquette? I always carry one about -with me. - -ETHEL. - -Mother bought several when you said you’d come down. - -JACK STRAW. - -I wonder if she’s got the same as mine. You know I never can remember to -call a serviette a napkin. - -ETHEL. - -Mamma’s very particular about that. - -JACK STRAW. - -And look here, d’you know that you ought never to call a chicken a fowl? -It’s awfully bad form. I wonder if that’s in your mother’s books. I say, -what charming eyes you have. - -ETHEL. - -That’s another of the advantages of being a royal personage, that you -can make pretty speeches, and no one takes them seriously. - -JACK STRAW. - -But you know, I’m a very insignificant royal personage. You mustn’t -think I’m anything very grand really. - -ETHEL. - -It’s very nice of you to say so. - -JACK STRAW. - -You see, there are seventy-nine archdukes and duchesses in Pomerania. My -grandfather had seventeen children, and they all married. How many -children would each have had to make seventy-nine of us? - -ETHEL. - -It sounds very difficult. - -JACK STRAW. - -But you see I can’t be very important, can I? And of course I’ve got -practically no money to speak of. - -ETHEL. - -It’s very good of you to put me at my ease. Then you wont mind if I say -exactly what I want to? - -JACK STRAW. - -You won’t give me good advice, will you? I’ve got seventy-nine -relations, and they all do that. - -ETHEL. - -I wouldn’t venture. - -JACK STRAW. - -I’ll bear whatever else you say with fortitude. We’ll pretend that -you’re just Miss So-and-So. - -ETHEL. - -As in point of fact, I am. - -JACK STRAW. - -And that I’m--Jack Straw. - -ETHEL. - -[_Surprised._] Why on earth Jack Straw? - -JACK STRAW. - -[_Indifferently._] It’s the name of a public-house in Hampstead. Pray go -on. - -ETHEL. - -I wondered if you’d do me a great favour. - -JACK STRAW. - -Ask me for the moon, and it shall be left at your front door by Carter -Paterson to-morrow morning. - -ETHEL. - -It’s something much simpler than that. - -JACK STRAW. - -Put me out of suspense quickly. - -ETHEL. - -I should be very much obliged if--if you’d go away. - -JACK STRAW. - -[_Much surprised._] I? Now? - -ETHEL. - -I didn’t mean actually this minute. But if it suited your arrangements -to go to-morrow.... - -JACK STRAW. - -You don’t mean to say you want me to go away altogether? - -ETHEL. - -That is precisely what I did mean. - -JACK STRAW. - -Couldn’t you ask me something easier than that? Ask me for a lawyer who -never told a lie, and I’ll deliver him to you, bound hand and foot. - -ETHEL. - -I don’t happen to want one just at this moment, thank you. - -JACK STRAW. - -But I’m having a very jolly time down here. - -ETHEL. - -[_With a change of tone._] Don’t you see that you’re exposing me every -day to the most cruel humiliation? - -JACK STRAW. - -I thought I was making myself so pleasant. - -ETHEL. - -Oh, don’t pretend you don’t understand. I’ve seen the twinkle in your -eyes when my mother set a little trap for you to fall in. - -JACK STRAW. - -I always fall in very neatly. - -ETHEL. - -But what do you think I felt when I knew how clearly you saw that she -was throwing me at your head? - -JACK STRAW. - -It’s a distinctly pleasing sensation to have a pretty girl thrown at -your head. - -ETHEL. - -It was only a joke to you; you don’t know how ashamed I was. - -JACK STRAW. - -But why do you suppose I came down to Taverner--to see your father and -mother? - -ETHEL. - -I don’t know why you came--unless it was to make me desperately -wretched. - -JACK STRAW. - -What would you say if I told you that I came because I loved you at -first sight? - -ETHEL. - -I should say that your Royal Highness was very polite. - -JACK STRAW. - -Now, look here, don’t you think I’m rather nice, really? - -ETHEL. - -It would surely be very impertinent of me to have any opinion on the -subject. - -JACK STRAW. - -Our friend Serlo would describe that as one in the eye. - -ETHEL. - -Would you allow me to go back to my mother’s guests, sir? - -JACK STRAW. - -[_Imperturbably._] Do you think you’d like me any better if I weren’t an -Archduke? - -ETHEL. - -I haven’t thought about it. - -JACK STRAW. - -Then please give the matter your immediate attention. - -ETHEL. - -I should certainly like you no less. - -JACK STRAW. - -I have no doubt that if I were just a penniless adventurer you’d simply -dote upon me. - -ETHEL. - -I don’t know if I’d put it quite so strongly as that. - -JACK STRAW. - -You know, I’m afraid you’re hopelessly romantic. You’ve confessed your -attachment to me, and just because I happen incautiously to have chosen -an Emperor for my grandfather, you want me to go away. It’s so -unreasonable. - -ETHEL. - -But I haven’t confessed anything of the sort. - -JACK STRAW. - -I look upon your request that I should go away as equivalent to an -avowal of undying passion. - -ETHEL. - -Shall I tell you what I would say to you if you weren’t an Archduke? - -JACK STRAW. - -Yes. - -ETHEL. - -I’d say you were the most audacious, impudent, and impertinent man I’d -ever seen in my life. - - [_She gives a rapid, ironical curtsey, and goes out. He is about to - follow her when_ LADY WANLEY _and_ HOLLAND _come in_. JACK STRAW - _stops and shakes hands with them_. - -JACK STRAW. - -Ah, I was hoping to have the pleasure of seeing you. You wrote me a -little note, Mr. Holland. - -HOLLAND. - -[_Ironically._] I ventured to ask if I might have a few minutes’ private -conversation with you. - -JACK STRAW. - -Perhaps you wouldn’t mind waiting here. I will rejoin you immediately. - - [_He goes out._ - -HOLLAND. - -You know, he positively freezes me. - -LADY WANLEY. - -I think it’s wonderful. One couldn’t suspect for a moment that he’s -only.... - -HOLLAND. - -Take care. - - [_He looks round._ - -LADY WANLEY. - -No one will come here. We can talk quite safely. - -HOLLAND. - -I wish to goodness we hadn’t ever thought of this fool trick. I knew it -would lead to all sorts of bother. - -LADY WANLEY. - -It’s no good saying that now. We must keep our heads and get out of it -as best we can. - -HOLLAND. - -What are you going to do? - -LADY WANLEY. - -Oh, that’s just like a man. You’re trying to put the whole blame on me. -What are _you_ going to do? - -HOLLAND. - -Well, we must finish with it as quickly as we can. - -LADY WANLEY. - -Whatever happens, there must be no scene. I couldn’t bear to see him -publicly humiliated. - -HOLLAND. - -Why on earth should you think of him? - -LADY WANLEY. - -Oh, I’m such a fool, Ambrose. - -HOLLAND. - -My dear, what _do_ you mean? - -LADY WANLEY. - -After all, I’m not a girl--I’m the mother of two healthy boys with -enormous appetites. I think the man has bewitched me. - -HOLLAND. - -Good Lord! - -LADY WANLEY. - -It’s no good saying that. Of course he’s the most fascinating creature -I’ve ever seen in my life. - -HOLLAND. - -You don’t mean to say you’re seriously in love with him? - -LADY WANLEY. - -A widow with a sense of humour is never seriously in love with anybody. - -HOLLAND. - -Well? - -LADY WANLEY. - -But I think it’s much better the young man should disappear as -mysteriously as he came. - -HOLLAND. - -There we’re quite agreed. And we’ll tell him so with considerable -frankness. - -_Enter_ JACK STRAW. - -JACK STRAW. - -Now, my dear people, I am at your service. - - [HOLLAND _and_ LADY WANLEY _are sitting down_. JACK STRAW _looks - at_ HOLLAND_, who rises uneasily_. - -HOLLAND. - -Oh, don’t be such an ass, Jack. - -JACK STRAW. - -[_Frigidly._] I beg your pardon. [_Pause._] Perhaps you’d be good enough -to put down my hat. - - [HOLLAND _takes it and flings it crossly on a chair_. - -JACK STRAW. - -I don’t think you’re in a very good humour this afternoon, Mr. Holland. -I venture to think your manners leave something to be desired. - -HOLLAND. - -Look here, we’ve had enough of this tomfoolery. - -JACK STRAW. - -Pray sit down. It distresses me to see you standing. - -HOLLAND. - -I believe the man’s out of his senses. - -LADY WANLEY. - -[_Very amiably._] Have you forgotten the waiter’s uniform which fitted -you so wonderfully, Mr. Straw? - -JACK STRAW. - -[_Calmly._] Quite. I only remember the condition your ladyship was good -enough to agree to, when I accepted your humorous suggestion. - -HOLLAND. - -But, look here, we must talk the matter out. - -JACK STRAW. - -I am quite willing to listen to you, my dear Holland. Your conversation -is often interesting and sometimes epigrammatic. I stipulate only that -you should use those forms of politeness which are usual between a -person of your position and a person of mine. - -HOLLAND. - -I should never have consented to this folly if I’d known to what it was -going to lead. In a moment of uncontrollable irritation, because Mrs. -Jennings had behaved with the greatest insolence to a defenceless girl, -we made up our minds to punish her. There was no great harm in it. We -thought perhaps she’d ask you to dinner, and there would be an end of -it. It never dawned on us that you’d come and stay here indefinitely. - -JACK STRAW. - -My dear fellow, why should you blame me for your own lack of -intelligence? - -HOLLAND. - -[_Impatiently._] Ugh! - - [JACK STRAW _goes over and sits beside_ LADY WANLEY. - -JACK STRAW. - -Our friend is quite incoherent, isn’t he? - -LADY WANLEY. - -We want you to go away, sir. - -JACK STRAW. - -Do you? I say, what a jolly frock. Where did you get it? - -LADY WANLEY. - -[_With a little laugh, disarmed by his impudence._] You’re perfectly -irresistible. - -JACK STRAW. - -You’ve taken the words out of my mouth, that’s just what I was going to -say to you. - -LADY WANLEY. - -Are you ever serious? - -JACK STRAW. - -Always when I’m talking to a pretty woman. - -LADY WANLEY. - -I wish I could understand you. - -JACK STRAW. - -My dear lady, I’ve been trying to understand myself for the last thirty -odd years. By the way, how old am I, Holland? - -HOLLAND. - -How the deuce should I know? - -JACK STRAW. - -Well, my dear fellow, I think it’s very careless of you. You might have -looked it out. Supposing some one had asked me my age? - -LADY WANLEY. - -I wish you really were a royal personage. - -JACK STRAW. - -It does seem hard that a waiter should have such a way with him, doesn’t -it? - -LADY WANLEY. - -[_Confidentially._] Who are you really? - -JACK STRAW. - -Your devoted servant, madam. Who could be anything else after knowing -you for ten minutes? - -LADY WANLEY. - -It’s charming of you to say so. - -JACK STRAW. - -I am very nice, aren’t I? - -LADY WANLEY. - -Much too nice. That is why I beseech your Royal Highness graciously to -take his departure. - -JACK STRAW. - -You know, you haven’t yet told me where you got that frock. - -LADY WANLEY. - -Oh, I bought it in Paris. Do you like it? - -JACK STRAW. - -It’s ripping. And it suits you admirably. - -HOLLAND. - -Isabel, Isabel, we came here to be sensible. - -LADY WANLEY. - -My dear Ambrose, let me be sensible in my own way. - -JACK STRAW. - -Oh, my dear Holland, I wonder if you’d very much mind going to see if my -red carpet is still in its place. - -HOLLAND. - -I’m not going to be made a fool of by you, my friend. - -JACK STRAW. - -Why not? You’re doing it very well. - -LADY WANLEY. - -Don’t be piggy, Ambrose. - -HOLLAND. - -What on earth do you want me to do? - -LADY WANLEY. - -I’m simply dying of thirst. I wish you’d get me a glass of lemonade. - -HOLLAND. - -I have no intention whatever of stirring from this spot. - -JACK STRAW. - -I’ve been wondering for the last week what I should do if I signified -his dismissal to any one, and he flatly refused to go. Very awkward, -isn’t it? - -LADY WANLEY. - -Mahomet and the mountain isn’t in it. - -JACK STRAW. - -Of course a hundred years ago I’d have cast him into a dungeon. But, -between ourselves, I don’t happen to have a dungeon handy. - -HOLLAND. - -Now look here, we’ve had enough of this nonsense. The joke has gone far -enough. Are you going or not? - -JACK STRAW. - -Well, if you ask me point blank, I’m not. - -HOLLAND. - -But don’t you know that I have only to say two words for you to be -kicked out of the house by the servants? - -JACK STRAW. - -You forget that you’d be undoubtedly kicked out with me. - -HOLLAND. - -Now look here, Jack, we’ve been old pals, and we’ve gone through a deuce -of a lot together. I don’t want to say beastly things to you. I know -I’ve made a fool of myself, but you’re a decent chap. You must see that -it’s necessary for you to go at once. - -JACK STRAW. - -I cannot for the life of me see anything of the sort. I have no other -engagements, and the country is charming at this time of year. - -HOLLAND. - -You’re behaving like a common impostor. - -JACK STRAW. - -What language to use to a royal personage! I assure you we’re not used -to such frankness. - -HOLLAND. - -Do you deliberately refuse to go? - -JACK STRAW. - -Deliberately. - -HOLLAND. - -And shall I tell you why? - -JACK STRAW. - -I happen to know, thank you. - -HOLLAND. - -You’re going to commit the most disgraceful action of your life. Do you -think any one can’t see that you’re madly in love with Ethel Jennings? - -LADY WANLEY. - -[_Springing to her feet._] Is that true? - -JACK STRAW. - -Quite. - -LADY WANLEY. - -Then why have you been flirting with me so disgracefully? - -JACK STRAW. - -I assure you I had no intention of doing so. It must be my unfortunate -manner. - -LADY WANLEY. - -It’s an unfortunate manner that’s quite likely to get you into trouble -with widow ladies. - -JACK STRAW. - -In that case you can only applaud my determination to marry as quickly -as possible. - -HOLLAND. - -Not Ethel Jennings? - -LADY WANLEY. - -You must be joking? - -JACK STRAW. - -My dear madam, when I make a joke I always laugh quickly, so that there -should be no doubt about it. - -HOLLAND. - -It’s preposterous. I shall allow you to do nothing of the sort. - -JACK STRAW. - -My dear fellow, what is the use of getting violently excited about it? -More especially as I haven’t yet proposed to the young lady. - -HOLLAND. - -I think you must be stark staring mad. You don’t suppose for a moment -that we shall allow you to carry out such an odious deception. I can’t -imagine how you can even think of anything so heartless and cruel. - -LADY WANLEY. - -It’s going too far. You must understand that it’s impossible. I beseech -you to leave Taverner immediately. - -JACK STRAW. - -It drives me to distraction that I should have to refuse your smallest -whim, but in this matter [_with a dramatic flourish_] I am adamant. - -HOLLAND. - -Now, look here, we’ve talked about it enough. Either you leave this -place immediately or I shall tell Mrs. Jennings the whole story. - -JACK STRAW. - -It is only fair to give you that satisfaction. That was part of our -arrangement. - -HOLLAND. - -You realise the consequences? - -JACK STRAW. - -[_Very amiably._] I did that before I entered into your scheme. - -HOLLAND. - -You leave me no alternative. - -JACK STRAW. - -My dear Holland, I really believe you’re rather nervous about the -disclosure which it is evidently your duty to make. - -HOLLAND. - -For your own sake I ask you once more: will you give me your word of -honour to leave the house and under no circumstances communicate with -any member of the family? - -JACK STRAW. - -It’s charming of you to give me one more chance. I can only repeat that -I am deeply in love with Ethel, and I have every intention of marrying -her. - -HOLLAND. - -Your blood be upon your own head. - -JACK STRAW. - -If I perish, I perish. - - [HOLLAND _goes to the door_. - -LADY WANLEY. - -No, Ambrose, I beseech you not to. - -HOLLAND. - -Good heavens, the whole thing was done so that you might have an -opportunity to crow over Mrs. Jennings. Now you’re going to have it. - -LADY WANLEY. - -But I don’t want it any more. It was a foolish thing. Let him go -quietly. - -HOLLAND. - -But, you see, he won’t go. - -_Enter_ MR. _and_ MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Oh, your Royal ’Ighness, we’ve been looking for you everywhere. We -couldn’t make out what ’ad become of you. - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -All the county is there. _Crème de la crème._ - -VINCENT _comes in hurriedly_. - -VINCENT. - -I say, mater, what on earth are you doing? Hurry up, the duchess has -just driven up.... Oh, I beg your pardon, sir. I didn’t know you were -there. - -HOLLAND. - -Vincent, go and fetch your sister. I have something important to say -that it is necessary for her to hear. - -VINCENT. - -But look here, the duchess has just.... - -HOLLAND. - -Oh, hang the duchess. Where’s Ethel? - -VINCENT. - -She’s sitting just outside, talking to Serlo. - -HOLLAND. - -Then call her. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -[_Looking round with astonishment._] ’As anythin ’appened? - - [VINCENT _goes out and in a moment returns with_ ETHEL _and_ SERLO. - -LADY WANLEY. - -[_To_ HOLLAND.] Ambrose, be gentle. - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Your Royal Highness isn’t put out about anything? - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -[_Quickly._] Oh, I ’ope we ’aven’t made any _faux pas_. - -JACK STRAW. - -Nothing has happened to displease me. I’m in the best possible humour, -thank you. - -HOLLAND. - -[_Seeing_ ETHEL.] Oh, there you are. [_Addressing himself to the company -in general._] I have something very painful to say, and I don’t know how -I’m going to make it clear to you. - -SERLO. - -I say, is this any business of mine? Shall I hook it? - -JACK STRAW. - -Oh no, pray stay by all means. - -LADY WANLEY. - -[_To_ JACK STRAW.] Haven’t you changed your mind, sir? - -JACK STRAW. - -I’m like a historical character whose name I can’t remember at the -moment: I never change my mind. - -HOLLAND. - -Mrs. Jennings, I’m afraid there’s no use in my trying to excuse myself. -I had better just tell you everything as shortly as I can. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Mr. Holland, don’t you think it can wait till later? The duchess ’as -just come, and it’ll look so funny if I’m not there to receive her. - -JACK STRAW. - -Mr. Holland has a communication to make which cannot fail to interest -you. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Oh, of course, if it’s your Royal ’Ighness’s wish. - -HOLLAND. - -I daresay you remember that a fortnight ago we all met at the Grand -Babylon Hotel. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -How could I forget, when that was the auspicious occasion of my -introduction to his Royal ’Ighness. - -LADY WANLEY. - -Ambrose. - -HOLLAND. - -You may remember, also, that Mr. and Mrs. Abbott were sitting with us in -the lounge. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -I ’ave other things to do than to remember where Mr. and Mrs. Abbott -were sitting. - -HOLLAND. - -I daresay you’ve forgotten that you behaved very cruelly to her. We were -all very indignant. We thought it necessary to punish you. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Really, Mr. Holland, I don’t know who you think you’re talking to. - -HOLLAND. - -I find it very difficult to say what I have to--I realise now that the -whole business has been preposterously silly--I can manage far better if -you don’t interrupt. - -JACK STRAW. - -Please let him go on, Mrs. Jennings. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Of, of course, if your Royal ’Ighness wishes it I ’ave no more to say. - -HOLLAND. - -It struck me that it would be amusing to pass off a nobody as a person -of great consequence. I had just recognised one of the waiters as an old -friend of mine. I introduced him to you as the Archduke Sebastian of -Pomerania. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -What! Then ...? - - [_She is at a loss for words._ SERLO _goes into a shout of - laughter_. - - SERLO. } - } - What a sell! By George, what } - a sell! } - } - MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. } - } _These four_ - [_Going up to_ JACK STRAW.] Do } _speeches are said_ - you mean to say you’re not.... } _very quickly,_ - } _almost_ - VINCENT. } _simultaneously._ - } - I thought I knew his face the } - moment I saw him. } - } - MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. } - } - Speak, man, speak. } - -JACK STRAW. - -[_With the greatest urbanity._] Madam, I stepped out of the uniform of a -waiter at the Grand Babylon Hotel into the sober garb of the person you -now see before you. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Then you’re nothing short of an impostor. Oh! Oh! Now, then, Jennings, -you’re a man. Do something. - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -And he’s been lappin’ up my best champagne lunch and dinner for a week. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Oh, damn your champagne. - -VINCENT. - -Mater! - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Oh, you fool, you fool! You’ve ’ad the education. You’ve been to Oxford, -and we gave you four thousand a year. Didn’t you learn enough to tell -the difference between an archduke and a waiter? - -VINCENT. - -Serlo didn’t spot him. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Who’s Serlo? Fine marquess he is--spends all his time with stable boys -and barmaids. How do I know he is a marquess? - -SERLO. - -Don’t mind me, will you? - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Is there no one who can do something? And that man stands there as if he -didn’t care a ball of worsted. Don’t you be too sure, my young friend. -It’s your Royal ’Ighness this, and your Royal ’Ighness that. And we had -to call you sir. Waiter, ’alf a pint of bitter, and look sharp about it. - -ETHEL. - -Mother! - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Oh, don’t talk to me. [_To_ JACK STRAW.] Well, what have you got to say? - -JACK STRAW. - -My dear lady, you’re so voluble, it would be difficult for me to get a -word in edgeways. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Well, I’m listening. - -JACK STRAW. - -Ah, there you have me, for in point of fact I can think of no -appropriate observation. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -And you’ve been laughing at me all the time, ’ave you? Well, you’re -going to laugh on the other side of your face now, young feller-my-lad. - -JACK STRAW. - -I shall be interested to see how one performs that very curious -operation. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Well, shall I tell you who’ll show you? - -JACK STRAW. - -Yes, do. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -The police, my lad, the police. - -JACK STRAW. - -I wouldn’t send for them if I were you. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Wouldn’t you? - -JACK STRAW. - -I wouldn’t really. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Well, I would. - -JACK STRAW. - -Don’t you think it’ll be a little awkward with all these people here? - -VINCENT. - -We can’t have a scene now, mater. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -D’you mean to say I’ve got to sit still and lump it? - -JACK STRAW. - -If you ask my advice, that is what I should recommend. - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -All the county’s here, Maria. _Crème de la crème._ - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Oh, I wish they were all dead. I know why they come here. D’you think I -don’t know that they call me a vulgar old woman behind my back? But they -come all the same because I’ve got two millions of money. I’m so rich -that they can’t ’elp coming. - -JACK STRAW. - -You know, I don’t want to seem stuck up, but in point of fact they’ve -come to-day to meet me. Don’t you think I’d better go and make myself -amiable to them? - -HOLLAND. - -You don’t mean to say you’re going back to them? - -JACK STRAW. - -Why not? - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -’Ave I got to introduce you to the duchess? - -JACK STRAW. - -I’m afraid she’ll make a point of it. Even duchesses have a weakness for -royal personages. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -If she ever finds out! - -JACK STRAW. - -The situation is not without an element of humour. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Well, upon my soul, you ’ave got a cheek! - -JACK STRAW. - -The motto on my coat of arms is audacity. Only we put it in Latin -because it sounds better. - -VINCENT. - -Your coat of arms, I like that. - -JACK STRAW. - -My dear fellow, I have no doubt it is as authentic as yours. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -And do you mean to say I’ve got to pretend I don’t know anything? - -JACK STRAW. - -I think it’s the only thing to do. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -I can never do it. I shall never ’old up my ’ead again. - -JACK STRAW. - -Come. I am convinced that the duchess is growing restive. I will murmur -a few soft nothings in her ear. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Oh, well, I suppose the only thing is to risk it. But you just wait, -young man, you wait. - -JACK STRAW. - -I think I can promise you that no one here will--blow the gaff. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Upon my soul, you talk as if I was the criminal. - - [_She starts and stops suddenly with a cry._ - -HOLLAND. - -What’s the matter? - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Oh, it give me such a turn. What’s to be done now? The Count. - -HOLLAND. - -How d’you mean? - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -I’d forgotten all about him. Count von Bremer coming. - -JACK STRAW. - -Who the deuce is he? - -HOLLAND. - -He’s your ambassador. - -JACK STRAW. - -Of course, how stupid of me! - -LADY WANLEY. - -[_With a little scornful smile._] But he won’t come. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Don’t you make too sure about that. He’s coming right enough. The -British aristocracy was quite willing to ’ob-nob with the -Parker-Jennings, but this duty foreigner wouldn’t be seen in the same -street with us. And you all sniggered up your sleeves, because you -thought you was getting a bit of your own back. But I’ve got ’im to-day, -and I was going to fling him in your faces. I wrote ’im a personal -letter--as if I’d known him all my life--and said.... - -JACK STRAW. - -Well? - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -And said ’is Royal ’Ighness particularly wished him to come. I sent the -letter by one of the footmen this morning. - -JACK STRAW. - -By Jove! - -HOLLAND. - -Well, they mustn’t meet. You must say that the Archduke has been seized -with sudden indisposition. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Every one knows he was quite well half an hour ago. - -LADY WANLEY. - -Besides, Count von Bremer would probably insist on seeing him. It must -have come as a great surprise that the Archduke Sebastian had turned -up. - -JACK STRAW. - -My dear people, don’t put yourselves out. If Count von Bremer has come -here to see me, it would be manifestly most discourteous to rob him of -that pleasure. - -HOLLAND. - -I think you’re quite mad, Jack. - -JACK STRAW. - -Unless I’m greatly mistaken, Count von Bremer has excessively bad sight. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -You don’t mean to say you’re going to meet ’im face to face? - -JACK STRAW. - -Remember that there are eighty-one Archdukes in Pomerania. - -ETHEL. - -You told me seventy-nine a little while ago. - -JACK STRAW. - -I have since seen in the paper that the Archduchess Anastasia has had -twins, which makes eighty-one. What more probable than that the -Ambassador has never seen the Archduke Sebastian? - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Oh, but what a risk to take. It’s enough to turn my false ’air grey. - -JACK STRAW. - -In any case, he can’t have set eyes on him for four years, because -nobody has. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -I suppose it ’asn’t struck you that he may talk to you in Pomeranian. - -JACK STRAW. - -Have you ever met a waiter who couldn’t discourse fluently in seven -languages at least? - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Does that mean you can talk the Count’s beastly language? - -JACK STRAW. - -Like a beastly native, madam. But I may suggest to you that there will -be no need, since if I address the Count in English it would be the -height of discourtesy for him to answer in any other tongue. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Well, of all the cheek I’ve ever come across in my life, you just about -take the cake. - -HOLLAND. - -But look here, I remember seeing the Archduke described as a very -handsome man. - -JACK STRAW. - -Spare my blushes, dear friend. We are as like as two peas. - -MRS. WITHERS _comes in_. - -MRS. WITHERS. - -Maria, the Count is looking for you everywhere. [_Seeing_ JACK STRAW.] -Oh, I beg your pardon, sir. - -JACK STRAW. - -Not at all. - -MRS. WITHERS. - -He’s just coming along with Mr. Withers. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -[_In an aside to_ JACK STRAW.] Try and behave like a gentleman. - -_Enter_ COUNT ADRIAN VON BREMER _and_ WITHERS. - -JACK STRAW. - -My dear Count! - -COUNT. - -This is a welcome surprise, sir. - -JACK STRAW. - -You know my hostess? - -COUNT. - -[_Shaking hands with_ MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.] How do you do? - -JACK STRAW. - -It is many years since we met. - -COUNT. - -I should have never recognised you, sir. - -JACK STRAW. - -I expect I had a moustache when you last saw me. - -COUNT. - -That changes a face so much. And then I am so blind nowadays. - -JACK STRAW. - -I daresay you have later news of the Emperor than I. - -COUNT. - -It will be a great pleasure to His Majesty to know that you are in -England, sir. I have ventured to telegraph to him. - -JACK STRAW. - -Have you, by Jove! - -COUNT. - -It was my duty to do so. - -JACK STRAW. - -I daresay you have several things you want to talk to me about? - -COUNT. - -I was hoping you would give me a few minutes conversation. - -JACK STRAW. - -[_To_ MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.] Will you forgive us if we take a little -stroll in the rose garden? - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -[_Grimly._] I am much honoured, sir, that your Royal Highness should -condescend to walk in my rose garden. - -JACK STRAW. - -Come. [_He takes the_ COUNT’S _arm_. _At the door the COUNT hesitates_.] -[_Motioning to him to go first._] No, I pray you. I am at home here--the -most comfortable, hospitable home I have known for many a long day. - -COUNT. - -Do you propose to stay in these parts much longer, sir? - -JACK STRAW. - -I shall stay till Mrs. Parker-Jennings turns me out. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -You do us a great honour, sir. [_The_ COUNT _goes out. Just as he is -going_ JACK STRAW _turns round and gives_ MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS _an -elaborate wink_.] [_Furiously._] You, you, you, you, damned waiter! - - -END OF THE SECOND ACT. - - - - -THE THIRD ACT - - -_The_ =Scene= _is the same as in the preceding_ ACT. - -_Next morning._ - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS _and_ VINCENT _are discovered_. - -VINCENT. - -Where’s the governor? - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -He’s ’aving an interview with the waiter. - -VINCENT. - -I hope he’ll give him what for. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -You trust your father for that. Oh, I thought I should never get through -last night. Eighteen people to dinner, and me on pins and needles the -whole time. - -VINCENT. - -There’s a ripping long account of the Garden Party in the _Cheshire -Times_. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Do you think I’ve not seen it? - -VINCENT. - -It went off beautifully; no one can deny that. There wasn’t a hitch. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -[_With a little cry of rage._] Oh! - -_Enter_ MR. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Well? - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -[_Apologetically._] My dear. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -[_Indignantly._] You’ve been and gone and made another old fool of -yourself, Jennings. - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -[_With a deprecating laugh._] I’m afraid it’s the same old fool as -usual, Maria. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Don’t make jokes at me, Robert. Keep them for your City friends. - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -He’s had breakfast. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -’As he indeed. At ’alf-past eleven. He’s not putting himself out, is he? - -VINCENT. - -When’s he going, father? - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -It isn’t a question of when he’s going. Your father went to him and said -he was to clear out before twelve o’clock or we’d send for the police, -come what might. That’s what you told him, Robert, isn’t it? - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Well, my dear.... - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -You always were a fool, Jennings. What have you done now? - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Well, my dear, he insisted on having one of the footmen in the room. He -said he didn’t like this English habit of ours of having no servants at -the breakfast-table. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -You don’t mean to say you let him order my servants about? - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -My dear, what could I do? There was one of them in the room at the -time. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -And you sat by while he ate his breakfast? - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -He has a very healthy appetite, Maria. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Don’t talk to me. You must ’ave ’ad some opportunity to give him a piece -of your mind. - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Well, my dear, we were left alone for a minute. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Well? - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -[_Helplessly._] He was so affable that.... - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Affable! Oh, you blithering fool. Wait till I get a word with him. - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Well, my dear, why didn’t you get rid of him last night? - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -How could I get rid of ’im last night, with eighteen people come to -dinner to meet ’im? - -VINCENT. - -What about Lady Wanley? - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Oh, I never want to set eyes on her again. I know she was at the bottom -of this. - -VINCENT. - -But I thought you’d sent for her. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -So I ’ave, and for Holland too. They got us into the mess, and they must -get us out of it. It’s just as bad for them as for us now. That’s one -comfort. - - JACK STRAW _comes in, in flannels, looking very cool and - comfortable_. - -JACK STRAW. - -Hulloa, there you are! I was just hunting around for some one to give me -a cigarette. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -[_Ironically._] I ’ope you ’ad a comfortable breakfast. - -JACK STRAW. - -A 1, thanks. Give me a cigarette, old man? - - [VINCENT _is helping himself to one, and_ JACK STRAW _takes the - case out of his hand, helps himself, and returns it_. - -VINCENT. - -Don’t mind me, will you? - -JACK STRAW. - -Not at all. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -[_Aggressively._] Well? - -JACK STRAW. - -Jolly party you gave yesterday, Mrs. Jennings. It was a great success, -wasn’t it? [_Turning to_ PARKER-JENNINGS.] By the way, what was that -port we drank last night? - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -No, you don’t, my friend. You may be able to bluff Jennings, but you -don’t bluff me. - -JACK STRAW. - -Bluff? Bluff? I flatter myself on my knowledge of English, but I don’t -think I’ve ever come across that word. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Haven’t you? Perhaps you ’aven’t come across the word skilly either? -But, unless you look out, you’ll know what it is before you want to. - -JACK STRAW. - -You talk in riddles, dear lady. I always think it a fatiguing habit. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Oh, I’ll make myself clear. Don’t you ’ave any fear about that. - -JACK STRAW. - -[_Sitting down lazily._] I can’t help feeling the interval between -breakfast and luncheon in a country house is one of the most agreeable -moments of the day. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -See that there’s no one about, Vincent. - -VINCENT. - -It’s all right, mater. - -JACK STRAW. - -[_Looking at him blandly._] You have all the airs of a conspirator in a -romantic play, my friend. You only want a false beard and some blue -spectacles to make the picture perfect. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Now then, you listen to me, young man. - -JACK STRAW. - -You flatter me, madam. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -We’ve talked it over, my ’usband and me, and we’re no fools, whatever -you may think. You richly deserve to be ’anded over to the police. - -JACK STRAW. - -One moment. To which character are you now addressing yourself, to the -Archduke Sebastian or the waiter from the Grand Babylon Hotel? - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Oh, if you don’t take care, I’ll give you such a box on the ears. - -JACK STRAW. - -You certainly wouldn’t do that to a royal personage, would you? You must -be concerned for the moment with Jack Straw. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -It may surprise you, but I ’ave been for the last ’alf hour. - -JACK STRAW. - -I thought your manner had been a little abrupt. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -I was saying that you richly deserved to be ’anded over to the police. - -JACK STRAW. - -There may be two opinions on that question, but we will let it pass. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -But we don’t want a scandal. - -JACK STRAW. - -One has to be so careful in the smart set, doesn’t one? - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -And we’re willing to let you go. Your luggage shall be packed, the motor -shall take you to the station. - -VINCENT. - -Mother, we shall all have to see him off, or it’ll look so fishy. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Oh, we’ll see him off. Anything to get rid of ’im safely. There’s a -train in an hour from now. And I ’ave only one piece of advice to you, -and that is, take the chance while you’ve got it. - -JACK STRAW. - -It’s very kind of you, but I’m extremely comfortable here. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -You make me laugh. - -JACK STRAW. - -I always think it hard that it should be so difficult to make people do -that when you’re trying to be funny, and so easy when you’re trying to -be serious. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -You don’t want me to tell my footman to take you by the scruff of the -neck, and.... - -JACK STRAW. - -My dear lady, let us keep perfectly calm. It would become neither of us -to lose our tempers. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Do you mean to say you won’t go? - -JACK STRAW. - -You put it in such a brutal way. Let us say rather, that I cannot tear -myself away from your hospitable roof. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Ha, and how long do you propose to give us the honour of your company? - -JACK STRAW. - -Well, I really haven’t quite made up my mind. I’m proposing to await -developments. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Send for the police, Robert. I won’t put up with it. - -VINCENT. - -You know, mother.... - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Hold your tongue, Vincent.... [_To_ JACK STRAW.] Oh, my friend, I’m -sorry for you. Those nice white ’ands of yours will look pretty after -they’ve been picking oakum for six months. - -JACK STRAW. - -I had an idea that had been abolished in England. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Oh no, I think not. - -JACK STRAW. - -Ah, perhaps it was the treadmill I was thinking of. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Well, Vincent, ’ow much longer are you going to stand there like a -stuffed owl? - -JACK STRAW. - -Do my eyes deceive me, or is that a local paper that I see? [_He takes -it up._] Ah, I surmised that it would have an account of your garden -party. Two columns of it, by Jove! You must wish you hadn’t asked so -many people. [_Reading._] The Duchess of St. Erth, the Marchioness of -Mereston, the Marquess of Mereston, Lord and Lady Hollington, Viscount -Parnaby--dear me, how smart--Lady Wanley, Mr. and Mrs. Lamberville, the -Bishop of Sheffield, and the Honourable Mrs. Spratte.... I say, won’t -your humbler friends grind their teeth with envy. But doesn’t it say -anything about me? Here it is. [_Reading._] “The Archduke Sebastian -looked every inch a prince.” I said so. [_Reading to himself._] Oh, -spare my blushes. [_Aloud._] “His Royal Highness enchanted every one by -the grace of his bearing and the charm of his Imperial personality.” -Blood will tell. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -[_To_ PARKER-JENNINGS.] Are you going to stand there and let this man -insult me, Robert? - -JACK STRAW. - -[_Blandly._] And what do you imagine all these noble and distinguished -persons will think when they read in the next number of the local paper -that the royal personage whose hand they were so pleased to shake--I did -my duty like a hero, didn’t I?--was serving coffee and liqueurs a -fortnight ago in the Grand Babylon Hotel? - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Oh, be quiet, you.... - -JACK STRAW. - -I can hear a titter rising softly in the village, with the doctor and -the parson and the solicitor, whom you didn’t ask to your party, and I -can hear it increase to a ripple of laughter as the story spreads -through Cheshire. I can hear a Homeric peal as it travels from county to -county. It’s a great guffaw in Manchester and Liverpool and the cities -of the North, and already I hear the deep laughter of Bristol and -Portsmouth and the West. And when it reaches London--you know how things -go in London, it’s so large that it takes it a little time really to get -hold of anything, but when at last it comes, can’t you see the huge city -holding its aching sides and bellowing with laughter. But I’ll tell you -who won’t see the joke--[_taking up the paper and reading_]--oh, they’ll -laugh very much on the wrong side of their mouths; the Duchess of St. -Erth, the Marchioness of Mereston, and my Lady Hollington and my Lord -Parnaby, and the Bishop of Sheffield and the Honourable Mrs. Spratte. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Oh, you devil! - -JACK STRAW. - -I can see you flying before the laughter like three tremulous leaves -before the wind, and the laughter will pursue you to Paris, where -they’ll make little songs about you on the boulevards, and the Riviera, -where they’ll sell your photographs on picture postcards. I can see you -fleeing across the Atlantic to hide your heads in the immensity of -America, and there the Yellow Press, pea-green with frenzy, will pile -column of ridicule upon column of invective. Oh, my dear lady, do you -think it isn’t worth while to endure six months hard labour to amuse the -world so profoundly? - - [_There is a silence._ PARKER-JENNINGS _takes out his handkerchief, - makes it into a ball and mops his forehead_. VINCENT, _noticing - him, does the same_. MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS _gives the two a glance, - sees what they are doing, takes out her handkerchief, rolls it up - into a ball, and slowly mops her forehead_. - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -It’s no good, Maria; we can’t give him in charge. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Tell me something I don’t know. We’re in the man’s hands, and he knows -it. - -JACK STRAW. - -[_With an amiable smile._] I thought you would come to see the situation -from my point of view. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -[_Beaten._] What are you going to do? - -JACK STRAW. - -At the present moment, with your permission, I am going to have a small -brandy and soda. Ring the bell, Vincent. - -VINCENT. - -Shall I, ma? - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -[_With angry resignation._] Oh, yes, ring it. - -JACK STRAW. - -For your own sake, I warn you to behave with the utmost decorum before -the servant. - - [_A_ FOOTMAN _appears_. - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Bring his Royal Highness a brandy and soda, James. - -SERVANT. - -Very good, sir. - - [_Exit._ - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Oh, I wish it would choke you. - -JACK STRAW. - -I’m afraid I can hold out no hope of that. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Now, look here, I’m no fool, Mr. ---- I don’t know what to call you.... - -JACK STRAW. - -You’ll find it’ll be more convenient to address me as you have always -done. - -VINCENT. - -The cheek of it! I can see myself saying sir to a damned waiter. - -JACK STRAW. - -You were assuring me that you were no fool madam. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -You know just as well as we do that the last thing we want is a scandal, -and you’ve got us on toast. - -JACK STRAW. - -Well browned on both sides. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -If you’ll go quietly and at once we’ll give you a couple of hundred -pounds. There! - -JACK STRAW. - -Oh, this is a blow. To think that any one should be willing to give two -hundred pounds to get rid of me! And I’ve always flattered myself that -I was such an agreeable guest in a country house. - -VINCENT. - -They have funny tastes in the servants’ hall, I daresay. - -JACK STRAW. - -You have quite a knack of saying clever things, haven’t you? - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Well? - -JACK STRAW. - -Madam, nothing will induce me to leave you till I have eradicated the -unfortunate impression which I appear to have made on you. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Do you mean to say.... - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -[_Interrupting._] Take care, mother. There’s James. - - _The_ FOOTMAN _enters with brandy and soda and glasses_. - -JACK STRAW. - -Be a good fellow, Vincent, and mix it for me, will you? - -VINCENT. - -Certainly, sir. - -JACK STRAW. - -Where do you get your brandy, Mr. Jennings? I like it very much. - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -It’s very good of your Royal Highness to say so. - - [_Exit_ FOOTMAN. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Oh, it’s insufferable. - -_Enter the_ FOOTMAN _to announce_. - -FOOTMAN. - -Lady Wanley. Mr. Holland. - - [_They enter. Exit_ FOOTMAN. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -There you are at last! This is a pretty kettle of fish. - -VINCENT. - -Mother, for heaven’s sake don’t be vulgar. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Oh, I can’t be refined now. If I’m vulgar, I can’t ’elp it. - -HOLLAND. - -But what is the matter? - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Good heavens, he’s the matter. He won’t go. - -LADY WANLEY. - -What! - -JACK STRAW. - -You know, it makes me feel very uncomfortable to hear you discussing me -like this. Wouldn’t you like me to retire? - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -We’ve threatened him with the police. - -HOLLAND. - -Well? - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -He just laughs at us. - -VINCENT. - -We’ve even demeaned ourselves by offering him money. - -HOLLAND. - -Of course he doesn’t want your money. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Well, ’adn’t you better suggest what he does want? - -HOLLAND. - -Look here, Jack, you’ve made fools of the whole lot of us. Won’t you be -a brick and clear out? We really are in a deuce of a scrape. - -JACK STRAW. - -I am always touched by an appeal to my better nature, but in this case I -propose to steel myself against your entreaties. - -HOLLAND. - -Damn you! - -JACK STRAW. - -Don’t lose your temper. You’ll only say something foolish, and I shall -score off you. - -HOLLAND. - -There’s only one thing to do, and that is to turn you out by main force. - -JACK STRAW. - -That, strange as it may seem to you, has already been suggested, but I -have explained to dear Mrs. Jennings the inconvenience of that course. - -_Enter the_ FOOTMAN. - -FOOTMAN. - -Mrs. Withers is in her motor, madam, and wishes to know if you can see -her for a moment. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Oh, I can see nobody. - -JACK STRAW. - -I hope you’re not refusing to see her on my account, dear Mrs. -Jennings. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -[_Very affably, before the servant._] Oh no, sir. - -JACK STRAW. - -I wonder if you’d very much mind her coming in. I thought her such a -nice woman, I should like to see her again. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Oh, of course, if your Royal Highness wishes it.... - -JACK STRAW. - -Thanks so much. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Show ’er in, James. - -FOOTMAN. - -Very good, madam. - - [_Exit_ FOOTMAN. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -My own ’ouse isn’t my own now. I’m forced to see every one I don’t want -to. If there’s any one I can’t bear it’s Fanny Withers. I only asked her -yesterday because I thought she’d eat her ’eart out with jealousy. She’s -a snob if you like. I don’t know what she wants to come here for at this -hour. [_To_ JACK STRAW.] Impostor! Impostor! - -JACK STRAW. - -You know, upon my word you’re all very ungrateful. I lent an _éclat_ to -your party which has found lasting fame in the columns of the local -paper. I chatted cordially with the Duchess of St. Erth, I allowed the -Bishop of Sheffield to tell me harrowing stories about the immorality of -the very best people, and when Count what’s his name.... - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Adrian von Bremer--you might trouble to remember the name of your own -Ambassador. - -JACK STRAW. - -And when Count von Bremer came on the scene, and you were all at your -wits’ end, I carried the whole thing off in a way which only my native -modesty prevents me from describing as superb. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -How he didn’t find you out I don’t know. I was on pins and needles all -the time he was here. - -_Enter the_ FOOTMAN, _followed by_ MRS. WITHERS. - -FOOTMAN. - -Mrs. Horton Withers. - - [_Exit._ - -MRS. WITHERS. - -Oh, my dear, I had to pop in just to tell you how beautifully everything -went off yesterday. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -I’m glad our party had your approval. - -JACK STRAW. - -How do you do, Mrs. Withers? - -MRS. WITHERS. - -It’s very good of your Royal Highness to remember me. - -JACK STRAW. - -It’s one of the specialities of my profession, you know. - -MRS. WITHERS. - -Are you going to favour us much longer with your presence in the -neighbourhood, sir? - -JACK STRAW. - -If Mrs. Jennings will keep me I don’t propose to make an immediate move. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -My house is at your disposal, sir, as long as you choose to honour it. - -JACK STRAW. - -Mrs. Jennings is the most amiable hostess. Don’t you think it would be -nice if we took a turn in the garden, Mrs. Jennings? I’m sure Lady -Wanley would like you to show her your roses. - -LADY WANLEY. - -Mrs. Jennings was good enough to show them to us yesterday. - -JACK STRAW. - -We have it on good authority that a thing of beauty is a joy for ever. -Mr. Jennings will show them to you again to-day. - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -I shall be very proud and ’appy to carry out your Royal Highness’s -wishes. - - [JACK STRAW _stands at the door for_ LADY WANLEY _and_ - PARKER-JENNINGS _to go out_. - -JACK STRAW. - -[_To_ VINCENT.] Won’t you come? - -VINCENT. - -Certainly, sir. - - [MRS. WITHERS _and_ VINCENT _go out_. - -JACK STRAW. - -I will join you in one moment. By the way, where is your daughter? - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -She’s gone for a walk with Lord Serlo. - -JACK STRAW. - -Be so good as to tell her the moment she comes in that I should be very -grateful if I could see her. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -What about? - -JACK STRAW. - -She’ll doubtless be able to tell you that herself after our interview. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -I’m not going to do anything of the kind. - -JACK STRAW. - -You will be so good as to do what I ask, Mrs. Jennings. - - [_Exit._ - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -There, you see he actually orders me about now. I’m beginning to think -we shall never get rid of him. I feel that he’ll stay on here always. I -can see him growing old under this roof, eating my food and drinking my -wine, and sending in his tailor’s bills for Jennings to pay. And it’s -all your doing. - -HOLLAND. - -I’m very sorry. I promise you that. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -What’s the good of being sorry? The only thing you can do is to ’elp us -to get rid of ’im. And it’s ruined Ethel’s chances with Serlo. He won’t -look at her now. - -HOLLAND. - -Well, I daresay that’s not much loss. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -I’m only thankful she wouldn’t ’ave anything to do with that man when we -thought ’e was an Archduke. - -HOLLAND. - -Do you know, if I were you I’d let her see him. I have an idea that when -he’s had a talk with her he’ll be quite willing to go. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -What do you mean by that? - -_Enter_ ETHEL _and_ LORD SERLO. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -[_Very affably._] Has Ethel been taking you for a walk, dear Lord Serlo? - -SERLO. - -Yes, we’ve been for a little stroll, don’t you know. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -I do ’ope she ’asn’t tired you. She’s such a walker, ain’t you, my dear? - -SERLO. - -My idea of goin’ for a walk is sitting on a gate, don’t you know. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -And a very good idea too. That’s just what I like myself. - -SERLO. - -[_Drily._] Change in the wind to-day, isn’t there? - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -[_Innocently._] Is there? I didn’t notice it. - - [PARKER-JENNINGS _comes in frantically_. - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Maria, he’s cutting all our prize roses for the show and giving them to -Fannie Withers. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Oh! - - [_She is just going to bolt out when_ JACK STRAW _appears with a - handful of magnificent roses_. - -JACK STRAW. - -I say, you haven’t got a basket, have you? - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -You--you--you perfect fool! - -JACK STRAW. - -What have I done now? - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -We were going to show those next week at the Crystal Palace. - -JACK STRAW. - -I thought they were very nice. That’s why it struck me Mrs. Withers -might like them. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -[_Snatching them from him._] Oh! - - [_She flounces out, followed by_ PARKER-JENNINGS. - -JACK STRAW. - -[_Coming into the room calmly._] I’m afraid I haven’t done the right -thing. - -SERLO. - -You’ve put your foot right in it this time, old man. - -JACK STRAW. - -I wish I had that little book of etiquette on me. I wonder if it says -anything about prize roses. [_To Ethel._] I haven’t had the pleasure of -saying good-morning to you yet. - -SERLO. - -You know, old man, I don’t want to seem disagreeable, but when Miss -Jennings and I went for a walk we had some sort of idea that by the time -we came back you’d have hooked it, don’t you know. - -JACK STRAW. - -My dear Holland, I wonder if you’d do me the service of telling Mrs. -Withers that dear Mrs. Jennings is putting the roses into a basket for -her. - -HOLLAND. - -[_Laughing against his will._] It’s not the least use being angry with -you, Jack. I’ll go by all means. - - [_Exit._ - -JACK STRAW. - -There goes a man of tact. If I were a Sultan I’d make him my Grand -Vizier. - - [_He looks reflectively, but very pointedly, at_ SERLO. - -SERLO. - -What are you starin’ at me for? - -JACK STRAW. - -I was wondering how I could suggest to you with proper delicacy that you -might conveniently follow his example. - -ETHEL. - -I should much prefer Lord Serlo to stay here. - -JACK STRAW. - -I have matters of some importance to discuss with you. - -ETHEL. - -I am sure that you have nothing to say that Lord Serlo cannot hear. - -JACK STRAW. - -Very well, I will make an effort to overcome my customary modesty. - -SERLO. - -I don’t know where that comes in. You’ve got about the biggest cheek -that I’ve ever come across. - -JACK STRAW. - -To tell you the truth, it has been my only means of livelihood for the -last four years. - -ETHEL. - -What have you to say to me? - -JACK STRAW. - -Couldn’t you give me a slight smile just to encourage me a little? - -ETHEL. - -You force me to say what I would rather have left unsaid. I’m horrified -that you should be so hatefully cruel. I think it’s infamous that you -should lend yourself to a stupid practical joke. - -JACK STRAW. - -My dear Serlo, won’t you--hook it? - -ETHEL. - -I want him to stay. - -JACK STRAW. - -It makes him feel very uncomfortable. He’s full of tact too--I’ll make -him a grand vizier--and he’s feeling awfully _de trop_. - -SERLO. - -You needn’t bother about my feelings so much as all that, you know. - -JACK STRAW. - -[_To Ethel._] Won’t you hear what I’ve got to say for myself? You don’t -think I care twopence about their practical joke? I came here because it -was my only chance of seeing you. - -ETHEL. - -What you’ve done fills me with horror and disgust. - -JACK STRAW. - -Didn’t you see from the first minute that I was desperately in love with -you? - -SERLO. - -I say, this really is very awkward for me. - -JACK STRAW. - -You told me not to bother about your feelings. - -ETHEL. - -[_Unable to prevent a laugh._] You know, you’re too absurd. I know I -ought to be very angry with you, but I can’t. - -JACK STRAW. - -Do you remember what you said to me yesterday? - -ETHEL. - -No. - -JACK STRAW. - -Then I’ll remind you. You asked me to go away--because I was a royal -personage. Do you still want me to go if I’m only a waiter? - -ETHEL. - -I might have known that you were laughing at me all the time. - -JACK STRAW. - -You know, if I had been a royal personage and disguised myself as a -waiter in order to be by your side you’d have thought it very romantic. -Why should it shock you when it is a waiter who for the same reason -assumes the royal personage? - -ETHEL. - -If you can’t see the difference it’s useless for me to tell you. - -JACK STRAW. - -Won’t you marry me, Ethel? - -SERLO. - -I say, I’ve got a good mind to kick you out of the house. - -JACK STRAW. - -Have you? In that case I can only congratulate myself that I’m the -champion amateur boxer in Pomerania. - -SERLO. - -That complicates matters a bit, don’t it? - -JACK STRAW. - -Upon my soul, I’ve never made a proposal of marriage under such -embarrassing circumstances. [_To_ ETHEL.] Now, my dear, don’t be -unreasonable. You practically refused me yesterday because I was an -Archduke. You’re not going to refuse me now because I’m nobody in -particular? - -ETHEL. - -[_Frigidly._] And can you give me any reason why I should accept you? - -JACK STRAW. - -Well, it may have escaped your notice, but there’s the very good reason -that you’re just as much in love with me as I am with you. - -ETHEL. - -I? - -JACK STRAW. - -Can you honestly deny it? But if you do I shall venture to disbelieve -you. - -ETHEL. - -It’s very easy to convince you. Lord Serlo, you were good enough to tell -me yesterday that.... - - [_She stops with a little tremor of hesitation._ - -SERLO. - -By Jove, d’you mean it? - -ETHEL. - -[_Smiling._] I mean anything you like. - -SERLO. - -[_With a low bow._] Mr. Straw, I beg to announce to you my engagement -with Miss Ethel Parker-Jennings. - -JACK STRAW. - -I’m still unconvinced. I’m afraid you’re incorrigibly romantic, my dear, -and I’m certain your mamma will be very much annoyed. - -ETHEL. - -Oh, you are too exasperating. I wish I could make you really angry. - - HOLLAND _runs in_. - -HOLLAND. - -I say, Jack, look out. - -JACK STRAW. - -What’s the matter? - - _Enter_ MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS, _much agitated, and_ PARKER-JENNINGS. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -The game’s up. It’s too late now to do anything. - -HOLLAND. - -Von Bremer has come again. - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -And he’s got some one with him in his motor, who looks suspiciously like -a policeman in plain clothes. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -What’s to be done? For ’eaven’s sake, don’t stand there grinning like a -Cheshire cat. - -ETHEL. - -[_Quickly._] You won’t be arrested? - -HOLLAND. - -Look here, there’s still time for you to get out. - - _Enter_ VINCENT. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Well? - -VINCENT. - -Lady Wanley’s talking to him. She’ll detain him as long as she can. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Blessings on her! I’ll forgive ’er everything. - -ETHEL. - -Oh, please go while you have a chance. I couldn’t bear to see you -arrested. - -JACK STRAW. - -Why should you care? - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Now, look here. You’ve played a nasty trick on me, but you’ve got the -cheek of the devil. I don’t want you to get into trouble. I don’t know -what there is about you, but I can’t ’elp liking you. - -JACK STRAW. - -Madam, only the importunate presence of your lord and master prevents me -from hurling myself at your feet. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Oh, don’t talk stuff. I want to ’elp you to get away. - -JACK STRAW. - -[_With a dramatic gesture._] Madam, my mother’s only son has never fled -before a foe. I will stay and face the music. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -I’m not thinking of myself now. If there is a scandal I’m rich enough to -make people forget it. - -SERLO. - -I say, old man, you’d better hook it. England’s no place for you just -now. - -ETHEL. - -[_In an undertone._] If you care for me at all, don’t run this horrible -risk. - -JACK STRAW. - -If you were only pressing me to stay this unanimity would be extremely -flattering. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -The man’s mad. The man’s as mad as a March ’are. He ought to be shut up -in a lunatic asylum. - -JACK STRAW. - -I forget if Napoleon was one of my ancestors, but I feel just like him -at this moment. “J’y suis, j’y reste.” - -SERLO. - -In point of fact it was MacMahon who said that. - -JACK STRAW. - -[_With a noble flourish._] I prefer to think it was Napoleon. - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -They’re just strolling along. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Then it’s too late. And it’s all got to come out before Florrie Withers. - -VINCENT. - -[_From the window._] I say, Lady Wanley is making him look at the roses. - -HOLLAND. - -She is a brick; she’s gaining every moment she can. - -JACK STRAW. - -By the way, talking about roses, have you had that bunch put in a basket -that I cut for Mrs. Withers? - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Oh, I should like to take you by the neck and strangle you. - -PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Look out. - - [_They all stop for a moment in a state of breathless expectation._ - LADY WANLEY _comes in with_ MRS. WITHERS. _She gasps as she sees_ - JACK STRAW. - -LADY WANLEY. - -Oh, I thought you’d gone. - - [_She is immediately followed by_ ADRIAN VON BREMER. JACK STRAW - _goes up to him very cordially_. - -JACK STRAW. - -Ah, my dear friend, I’ve been expecting you all the morning. - - [_They all start. As the scene proceeds there is in every one - increasing astonishment and perplexity._ - -VON BREMER. - -I couldn’t come before. I have only just received the answer to my -telegram. - -JACK STRAW. - -Have you good news for me? - -VON BREMER. - -The best. The Emperor agrees to all your wishes. - -JACK STRAW. - -Bless his old head. - -VON BREMER. - -His Majesty is all eagerness to see you again. He is expecting a letter -from you by every post. [_He goes up to_ ETHEL.] Madam, I am commanded -by my august master to offer you his most cordial greeting. - -ETHEL. - -Me? - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -I don’t know if I’m standing on my ’ead or my ’eels. - -JACK STRAW. - -Then nothing remains but for me to make my declaration in due form. Mrs. -Jennings, I have my grandfather’s permission to ask you for your -daughter’s hand in marriage. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -[_Breaking out._] But the man’s an impostor. He’s no more the Archduke -Sebastian than I am. - -MRS. WITHERS. - -What do you mean? - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Oh, well, if you like you can ’ave it. You were there when it all -started. I suppose I got out the wrong side of bed that morning, and -when Mrs. Thing-a-magig, the Vicar’s wife, come up to me at the Grand -Babylon Hotel, I snubbed her. I’ve been very sorry for it since, and -I’ve been punished for it. They knew I was an old snob--like you, -Florrie--they thought they’d pay me out. They got one of the waiters -from the ’otel to dress up like a gentleman, and they introduced him as -the Archduke Sebastian. - -MRS. WITHERS. - -[_Pointing to_ JACK STRAW.] That? - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Yes, that! He’s a waiter, that’s what he is. And for the last week I’ve -been making a perfect fool of myself over ’im. - -VON BREMER. - -[_Much mystified._] But--I don’t understand. I’ve known the Archduke -Sebastian since he was born. - -HOLLAND. - -You’re mistaken. This person and I were in America together. I lived -with him for two years. I don’t know his real name, but he passes under -that of Jack Straw. - -VON BREMER. - -But what you say is absurd. I know him as well as my own son. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -D’you mean to say he really is an Archduke? - -VON BREMER. - -Of course he is. The only mystery is how he turned up here when we’ve -been hunting the whole world for the last four years to find him. - -HOLLAND. - -But are you the Jack Straw who was with me in the States? - -JACK STRAW. - -Yes. - -LADY WANLEY. - -And are you the waiter of the Grand Babylon Hotel? - -JACK STRAW. - -Yes. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -And are you the Archduke Sebastian of Pomerania? - -JACK STRAW. - -Yes. - -SERLO. - -Well, I’m jiggered. - -JACK STRAW. - -Perhaps you will allow me to explain. Four years ago I fell desperately -in love with a lady whose speciality it was to kick higher than any one -else in the world. She could kick a man’s tall hat off his head with -such grace that I asked her to marry me. My grandfather refused to -consent, and the lady was hurried over the frontier. [_With a glance at_ -ETHEL.] I was a romantic dog myself in those days, and I followed her, -only to find that she had already three more or less lawful husbands. -The sight of them, and the conviction that her peculiar talent would not -greatly add to the felicity of domestic life, cured me of my passion. -But the world did seem a bit hollow and empty, and I thought I’d see -how it looked from the point of view of a man who had nothing but his -wits to live on. After trying it, I tell you frankly that I much prefer -living on the revenues which rise from the strength of arm of my -ancestors. When you saw me at the Grand Babylon Hotel I was preparing to -return to the bosom of my family, but I saw this young lady, and the -chance offering, decided to come down here. It was not unnatural that -when I was asked to assume a grandiloquent name I should assume my own. -Yesterday, when I met Count von Bremer, I begged him to wire to the -Emperor, asking for his consent to my marriage with Miss Ethel Jennings. - -VON BREMER. - -I have only to add that the Emperor, delighted with the prospect of -seeing once more his favourite grandson, has gladly given his consent. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -And when I think of all the things I’ve called you these last few -hours.... - -JACK STRAW. - -They went in at the ear of a waiter, Madam, and slipped out at that of -an Archduke. - - [_He goes up to_ ETHEL. - -JACK STRAW. - -And now it only rests with you to give peace to an aged Emperor, -satisfaction to eighty-one Archdukes, and happiness to your unworthy -servant. - -ETHEL. - -I am engaged to be married to Lord Serlo. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -What! I know nothing about this. - -JACK STRAW. - -I knew our mamma wouldn’t be pleased. - -ETHEL. - -The fact remains. - -JACK STRAW. - -[_Going to_ SERLO.] Now, my dear friend, you’ve got the chance of a -lifetime. It’s quite clear to me that there’s only one course open to -you. Take the centre of the stage and renounce the lady with all the -moving expressions you can think of. - -SERLO. - -Look here, old man, I don’t think I quite like the way you keep on -pulling my leg. - -JACK STRAW. - -Put a little dignity into it, man. - -SERLO. - -I may be a blithering ass, but I can see without your tellin’ me that -Ethel wouldn’t have had me at any price if she hadn’t wanted to score -off you. - -JACK STRAW. - -Oh, how some men throw away their chances! Strike the pathetic note, old -man, or you’re done. When you’ve finished there oughtn’t to be a dry eye -in the place. - -SERLO. - -Well, the fact is--it had entirely slipped my memory at the moment, but -I had a letter this morning from the lady’s solicitor to remind me--I -happen to be engaged to a young woman who can kick a man’s topper off -too. - -JACK STRAW. - -By Jove, I wonder if it’s the same one. - -ETHEL. - -Why didn’t you tell me? - -SERLO. - -Well, you know, it was a bit awk when you--er.... - -JACK STRAW. - -Threw yourself at his head. - -ETHEL. - -[_To Jack Straw with a smile._] I ought to be very angry with you. -You’ve laughed at me all the time. I don’t believe you’ll ever take me -seriously. If I really were the romantic creature you say I am, I’d be -very dignified and refuse to have anything to do with you at all. - -JACK STRAW. - -But like all women you’re very sensible at heart, and you’ll do nothing -of the kind. - -ETHEL. - -It’s not because I’m sensible, but because I suppose you were quite -right in what you said just now. - -JACK STRAW. - -Bless you! I’d throw myself down on the floor and implore you to walk on -me only I’m convinced you’d take me at my word. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -[_With enormous satisfaction._] I knew he was an Archduke all the time. -You can’t deceive a mother. - -JACK STRAW. - -[_With a start._] There’s one thing I must break to you at once. -Pomerania is in some ways still a barbarous country. We have a dreadful -law that when a member of the royal family marries a foreigner not of -royal blood, his wife’s relations are prohibited from entering it. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -I should like to see any one prohibit me from going to see my own -daughter. - -JACK STRAW. - -My dear lady, it grieves me infinitely to say it, but no sooner had you -crossed our frontier than you would be instantly beheaded. - -MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. - -Truly, sir, a barbarous country. - -THE END. - - -Typographical errors corrected by the etext transcriber: - -I’m so glad that I know you better know=> I’m so glad that I know you -better now {pg 70} - -takes out her handkerchief, rolls it up ball=> takes out her -handkerchief, rolls it up into a ball {pg 124} - - - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Jack Straw, by W. 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Somerset Maugham. -</title> -<style type="text/css"> - p {margin-top:.2em;text-align:justify;margin-bottom:.2em;text-indent:4%;} - -.c {text-align:center;text-indent:0%;} - -.cb {text-align:center;text-indent:0%;font-weight:bold;} - -.hang {text-indent:-2%;margin-left:2%;} - -.persn {text-align:center;text-indent:0%;font-weight:bold; -margin-top:.5em;} - @media print, handheld - {.persn - {page-break-after: avoid;} - } - -.r {text-align:right;margin-right: 5%;} - -.rt {margin:auto 8% auto 35%;text-indent:-2%;} - -small {font-size: 70%;} - -big {font-size: 130%;} - - h1 {margin-top:5%;text-align:center;clear:both;} - - h2 {margin-top:4%;margin-bottom:2%;text-align:center;clear:both; - font-size:120%;} - - hr.full {width: 50%;margin:5% auto 5% auto;border:4px double gray;} - - table {margin-top:2%;margin-bottom:2%;margin-left:auto;margin-right:auto;border:none;} - -.bl {border-left:1px solid black;} - - body{margin-left:2%;margin-right:2%;background:#ffffff;color:black;font-family:"Times New Roman", serif;font-size:medium;} - -a:link {background-color:#ffffff;color:blue;text-decoration:none;} - - link {background-color:#ffffff;color:blue;text-decoration:none;} - -a:visited {background-color:#ffffff;color:purple;text-decoration:none;} - -a:hover {background-color:#ffffff;color:#FF0000;text-decoration:underline;} - -.smcap {font-variant:small-caps;font-size:100%;} - - img {border:none;} - -.blockquot {margin-top:2%;margin-bottom:2%;} - -.blockquott {margin:auto 16% auto 16%;} - -.figcenter {margin-top:3%;margin-bottom:3%;clear:both; -margin-left:auto;margin-right:auto;text-align:center;text-indent:0%;} - @media print, handheld - {.figcenter - {page-break-before: avoid;} - } - -</style> - </head> -<body> - - -<pre> - -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Jack Straw, by W. Somerset Maugham - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: Jack Straw - A Farce in Three Acts - -Author: W. Somerset Maugham - -Release Date: November 4, 2015 [EBook #50385] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JACK STRAW *** - - - - -Produced by Chuck Greif and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images available at The Internet Archive) - - - - - - -</pre> - -<hr class="full" /> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/cover.jpg" width="308" height="450" alt="[cover -image not available]" /> -</div> - -<p class="cb"><i>JACK STRAW</i></p> - -<table border="1" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="0" summary=""> -<tr><td class="c"><a href="#CHARACTERS"><b>Characters</b></a><br /> -<a href="#THE_FIRST_ACT"><b>Act I</b></a><br /> -<a href="#THE_SECOND_ACT"><b>Act II</b></a><br /> -<a href="#THE_THIRD_ACT"><b>Act III</b></a></td></tr> -</table> - -<p><a name="page_i" id="page_i"></a> </p> - -<p><a name="page_ii" id="page_ii"></a> </p> - -<p><a name="page_iii" id="page_iii"></a> </p> - -<h1><span class="smcap"><i>Jack Straw</i></span></h1> - -<p class="r"><i>A FARCE</i><br /> -<br /> -<span style="margin-right: 3em;"><i>In Three Acts</i></span><br /> -<br /> -<i><span class="smcap">By</span> W. S. MAUGHAM</i><br /> -</p> - -<p class="hang"><i>LONDON: WILLIAM HEINEMANN</i><br /> -<i>MCMXII</i></p> - -<p class="c"><a name="page_iv" id="page_iv"></a> <br /> -<br /> -<i>Copyright, London William Heinemann, 1912</i><br /> -</p> - -<p><a name="page_v" id="page_v"></a></p> - -<p class="c">This play was produced at the Vaudeville Theatre on March 26, 1908, with -the following cast:</p> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary=""> -<tr><td><span class="smcap">Jack Straw</span></td><td align="right"><span class="smcap">Charles Hawtrey</span></td></tr> -<tr><td><span class="smcap">Count von Bremer</span></td><td align="right"><span class="smcap">H. R. Hignett</span></td></tr> -<tr><td><span class="smcap">Marquess of Serlo</span></td><td align="right"><span class="smcap">Louis Goodrich</span></td></tr> -<tr><td><span class="smcap">Rev. Lewis Abbott</span></td><td align="right"><span class="smcap">Charles Troode</span></td></tr> -<tr><td><span class="smcap">Ambrose Holland</span></td><td align="right"><span class="smcap">Edmund Maurice</span></td></tr> -<tr><td><span class="smcap">Mr. Parker-Jennings</span></td><td align="right"><span class="smcap">Robert White, Junr</span></td></tr> -<tr><td><span class="smcap">Vincent Parker-Jennings</span></td><td align="right"><span class="smcap">Percy R. Goodyer</span></td></tr> -<tr><td><span class="smcap">Head Waiter</span></td><td align="right"><span class="smcap">Vincent Erne</span></td></tr> -<tr><td><span class="smcap">Servant</span></td><td align="right"><span class="smcap">Norman Wrighton</span></td></tr> -<tr><td><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley</span></td><td align="right"><span class="smcap">Vane Featherstone</span></td></tr> -<tr><td><span class="smcap">Ethel Parker-Jennings</span></td><td align="right"><span class="smcap">Dagmar Wiehe</span></td></tr> -<tr><td><span class="smcap">Rosie Abbott</span></td><td align="right"><span class="smcap">Mona Harrison</span></td></tr> -<tr><td><span class="smcap">Mrs. Withers</span></td><td align="right"><span class="smcap">Joy Chatwyn</span></td></tr> -<tr><td><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings</span></td><td align="right"><span class="smcap">Lottie Venne</span></td></tr> -</table> - -<p><a name="page_vi" id="page_vi"></a></p> - -<p><a name="page_vii" id="page_vii"></a></p> - -<h1><i>JACK STRAW</i></h1> - -<h2><a name="CHARACTERS" id="CHARACTERS"></a><i>CHARACTERS</i></h2> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary=""> - -<tr><td><span class="smcap">Jack Straw</span><br /> -Mr. <span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings</span><br /> -Mrs. <span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Vincent</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Ethel</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Ambrose Holland</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Lady Wanley</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Lord Serlo</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Count Adrian von Bremer</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Horton Withers</span><br /> -Mrs. <span class="smcap">Withers</span><br /> -The Rev. <span class="smcap">Lewis Abbott</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Rosie Abbott</span><br /></td></tr> -</table> - -<p class="c">Waiters at the Grand Babylon Hotel and Footmen at Taverner, the -Parker-Jennings’ place in Cheshire</p> - -<p class="c"><span class="smcap">Time</span>: <i>The Present Day</i></p> - -<p class="c"><span class="smcap">Act I</span>—<i>The Lounge of the Grand Babylon Hotel</i></p> - -<p class="c"><span class="smcap">Acts</span> II and III—<i>The Parker-Jennings’ place in Cheshire</i></p> - -<p><a name="page_viii" id="page_viii"></a> </p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>The Performing Rights of this play are fully protected, and -permission to perform it, whether by Amateurs or Professionals, -must be obtained in advance from the author’s Sole Agent, R. -Golding Bright, 20 Green Street, Leicester Square, London, W.C., -from whom all particulars can be obtained.</i><a name="page_1" id="page_1"></a></p></div> - -<h1>JACK STRAW</h1> - -<h2><a name="THE_FIRST_ACT" id="THE_FIRST_ACT"></a>THE FIRST ACT</h2> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="hang"><span class="smcap">Scene</span>: <i>The lounge and winter garden of the Grand Babylon Hotel. -There are palms and flowers in profusion, and numbers of little -tables, surrounded each by two or three chairs. Several people are -seated, drinking coffee and liqueurs. At the back a flight of steps -leads to the restaurant, separated from the winter garden by a -leaded glass partition and swinging doors. In the restaurant a band -is playing.</i></p> - -<p class="hang"><i>Two or three waiters in uniform are standing about or serving -customers.</i></p> - -<p class="hang"><span class="smcap">Ambrose Holland</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Wanley</span> <i>come out from the restaurant. He -is a well-dressed, elegant man of five and thirty. She is a -handsome widow of uncertain age.</i></p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Pausing at the foot of the steps.</i>] Where shall we sit?<a name="page_2" id="page_2"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Let us choose a retired corner where we can gossip in peace.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Nonsense! I didn’t come to the Grand Babylon in order to blush unseen. I -caught sight of a number of people during luncheon, who I’m quite -determined shall catch sight of me now.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>I was sufficiently gallant to have eyes for you only.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Pointing to a table.</i>] Shall we sit there?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>D’you mind sitting on the other side? The waiter’s rather a pal of mine.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Sitting down.</i>] What queer friends you have.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Waiter.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">A Waiter.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Coming forward.</i>] Your waiter will be here in one minute, sir.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Wanley</span>.] You see, I’ve knocked about in so many places that I -have friends in every city in the world and every rank in life.<a name="page_3" id="page_3"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>I suppose you saw the Parker-Jennings? They were sitting three tables -from us.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>I did.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Do you know that she cut me dead when I came in?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>I’ve long told you that Mrs. Parker-Jennings is growing exclusive.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>But, my dear Ambrose, that she should have the impudence to cut me....</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Smiling.</i>] I respect her for it.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>I’m much obliged to you.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>I don’t think it does much credit to her heart, but it certainly does to -her understanding. She has discovered that a title nowadays is not -nearly such a good passport to the world of fashion as she thought it -was. She knows you’re as poor as a church mouse, and she’s realised that -in Society the poor are quite rightly hated and despised by all who know -them.<a name="page_4" id="page_4"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Yes, but remember the circumstances. Five years ago the Parker-Jennings -didn’t know a soul in the world. They’d lived in Brixton all their -lives.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>It has been whispered to me that in those days they were known as Mr. -and Mrs. Bob Jennings—not nearly so smart, is it?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>He used to go to the City every morning with a black bag in one hand and -an umbrella in the other.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>I wish that confounded waiter would come.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>One day an uncle in the North, from whom they vaguely had expectations, -died suddenly and left them nearly two millions.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Some people are so lucky in the way they choose their uncles.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>He was a hardware manufacturer, and no one dreamt that he had a tenth -part of that fortune. I came across them in Switzerland and found they -were looking for a house.<a name="page_5" id="page_5"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>So, with a burst of hospitality, you asked them down to Taverner, and -they took it for twenty-one years.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>I introduced them to every one in the county. I gave little parties so -that they might meet people. And now, if you please, the woman cuts me.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Dryly.</i>] You have left out an essential detail in the account of your -relations with these good folk.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Have I?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Smiling.</i>] You have omitted to mention that when they took Taverner -they agreed to pay an exorbitant rent.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>They could well afford it. Besides, it was a historic place. It was -worth whatever I could get for it.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Parker-Jennings may be very vulgar, but he’s as shrewd a man as you’d -find anywhere between Park Lane and Jerusalem.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>I haven’t the least idea what you’re talking about.<a name="page_6" id="page_6"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Haven’t you? Well, then, I venture to suggest that if Mr. -Parker-Jennings gave you such an enormous rent for Taverner, it was on a -certain understanding. He was wise enough to find out that people can -live in Cheshire all their lives and never know a soul. I don’t suppose -he put it in the agreement between you, but unless I am very much -mistaken he took your place only on the condition that you should get -every one to call.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>After a brief pause.</i>] I was crippled with mortgages, and I had to -send my boys to Eton.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Good heavens, I’m not blaming you. I only wish to point out that if you -introduced Mrs. Jennings to your friends, it was a matter of business -rather than of sentiment.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>With a little laugh.</i>] I suppose you think it’s very natural that she -should wish to kick away the ladder by which she climbed.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<i>A</i> <span class="smcap">Waiter</span> <i>comes up to</i> <span class="smcap">Holland</span>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Waiter</span> (<span class="smcap">Jack Straw</span>).</p> - -<p>Yes, sir.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Two coffees and two Benedictines. But you’re not my usual waiter. -Where’s Pierre?<a name="page_7" id="page_7"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Waiter.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Blandly.</i>] He’s attending the funeral of an elderly female relative, -sir.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<span class="smcap">Holland</span> <i>looks up quickly, and then stares in a puzzled way</i>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>I seem to know your face. Have I seen you anywhere?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Waiter.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>With a smile.</i>] Mr. Ambrose Holland, I think.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Jack Straw! What on earth are you doing here?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>My dear fellow, it is possible to be no less of a philosopher in the -uniform of a waiter at the Grand Babylon Hotel than in the gown of a -professor at the University of Oxford.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<i>He goes out.</i></p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Laughing.</i>] It’s really very odd that waiters should address you as my -dear fellow.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>What an extraordinary encounter!</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Please tell me who your friend is.<a name="page_8" id="page_8"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>I haven’t the ghost of an idea.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>My dear Ambrose.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>I first met him in the States. I was in considerable financial -difficulties in those days—it’s three or four years ago now—and I got -a small part in a travelling company. Jack Straw was a member of it, and -we became great friends.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Is that his name?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>So he assures me.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>It’s very improbable, isn’t it?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Very. I believe Jack Straw was a highwayman, or something like that, and -he’s given his name to a public-house in Hampstead.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>He must be an extraordinary man.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>He is. I don’t know whether I admire most his self-assurance or his -resourcefulness. I spent with<a name="page_9" id="page_9"></a> him the last two years before my ship -came home. We had some pretty rough times together, but he was a pillar -of strength. Difficulties seemed to arise only that he might surmount -them.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>He sounds quite splendid.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>The worst of living with him was that you had no breathing-time. He’s a -man with an uncontrollable love of adventure. Prosperity bores him to -death, and time after time, when we’d managed to get out of rough water -into smooth, he’d throw up everything for some wild goose chase.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>But who are his people?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Heaven only knows. I know he isn’t English, though he speaks it -wonderfully.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Is he by way of being a gentleman?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>I can only tell you that he’s thoroughly at home in whatever society he -finds himself.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>I daresay that’s not a bad definition of a gentleman.<a name="page_10" id="page_10"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>He’s sailed before the mast, been a bar-tender in New York, and an -engine-driver on the Canadian Pacific. He’s been a miner up in the -Klondyke, and he’s worked on a ranch in Texas. And if he’s a waiter now, -I daresay he’ll be an organ-grinder next week, and a company-promoter -the week after. I’ve seen half a dozen fortunes within his grasp, and -he’s let them all slip through his fingers from sheer indifference to -money.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Here he is with the coffee.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<span class="smcap">Jack Straw</span> <i>comes in with coffee and liqueurs</i>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>I should be overwhelmed with confusion at allowing you to wait on me, if -I did not feel certain that it appeals enormously to your sense of -humour.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>It has occurred to me that you will feel a natural hesitation about -giving me a tip. I may as well tell you at once that I shall feel none -about taking it.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>It’s thoughtful of you to warn me. How much do I owe you?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Two shillings the coffee and three shillings the liqueur. The prices -seem exorbitant to me, but I<a name="page_11" id="page_11"></a> suppose people must expect to pay for the -privilege of letting their friends see them at the best hotel in Europe.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Putting down a coin.</i>] Don’t bother about the change.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Half a sovereign. My dear fellow, when you offer me a tip of five -shillings you are presuming unwarrantably on our former acquaintance.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Helplessly.</i>] I’m sure I beg your pardon.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I will keep one shilling as an adequate remuneration for my services and -return you four.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>I am overpowered by your condescension.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Wanley</span>, <i>who has put a cigarette in her mouth</i>.] Light, -madam?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>I should like to ask you to sit down.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>It would be eminently improper. Besides, I have other tables to attend -to. But I shall be delighted<a name="page_12" id="page_12"></a> to dine with you to-night if you have no -other engagement.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>It’s very kind of you. But will not your duties here detain you?... Mr. -Straw—Lady Wanley.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Bowing.</i>] How do you do. I’m only engaged here for the afternoon. Your -ladyship is aware that the lower orders make a speciality in the decease -of elderly female relatives.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>I have often been impressed by the piety with which they bury their -maternal grandmothers.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>It appears that Pierre, an old acquaintance of mine, wished to attend -the funeral of a widowed aunt, the relic of an egg importer in Soho, and -a highly respectable person.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>I can well imagine that nothing could be more respectable than to import -eggs to Soho.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>The head-waiter, who is an excellent fellow, with female relatives of -his own, promised to overlook his absence if he could find a substitute. -Pierre, like myself, is a person of somewhat striking physique and could -find no one able to wear his clothes. He<a name="page_13" id="page_13"></a> confided his distress to me, -and I, knowing that his uniform would fit me like a glove offered, at -once to step into the—breach.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>I am relieved to hear that your appearance in this capacity is not due -to embarrassed circumstances.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I deplore the hastiness of your reasoning. My circumstances are -excessively embarrassed. Excuse me, I see some people who are proposing -to sit at one of my tables.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<i>Meanwhile people have been coming down from the restaurant and -sitting at the various tables. Waiters have been handing them -coffee.</i> <span class="smcap">Horton Withers</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Withers</span> <i>come down, accompanied -by the</i> <span class="smcap">Rev. Lewis Abbott</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Abbott</span> (<span class="smcap">Rosie</span>). <span class="smcap">Jack Straw</span> -<i>leaves</i> <span class="smcap">Holland</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Wanley</span> <i>to attend to some people</i>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>There are the Withers. Why, they’ve got Rosie with them and her husband.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<i>She gets up and goes towards the</i> <span class="smcap">Withers</span>, <i>who are honest, -simple people, not distinguished, but good-natured and kindly</i>. -<span class="smcap">Lewis Abbott</span> <i>is a nice-looking, frank young parson</i>. <span class="smcap">Rosie</span> <i>is -very pretty and fragile. She is simply dressed.</i></p></div> - -<p><a name="page_14" id="page_14"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Smiling to</i> <span class="smcap">Rosie</span>.] My dear, what are you doing in this sink of -iniquity? I am surprised to see you. And Lewis!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<i>She shakes hands, evidently delighted to see them.</i></p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Withers.</span></p> - -<p>We’ve brought them up to London for a little jaunt.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Won’t you all sit at our table? There’s plenty of room.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Withers.</span></p> - -<p>That’s very kind of you. [<i>To his wife.</i>] Fanny, you know Mr. Holland.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Withers.</span></p> - -<p>Yes, of course I do. How do you do, Lady Wanley.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>How do you do? Now you two young things must sit one on each side of me, -and you must tell me all about Taverner.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Rosie.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, we’re so happy there, and everything’s beautiful, and we just love -the house.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>I don’t believe you know Mr. Holland. Ambrose, this is Rosie, Jasper -Neville’s daughter. You knew him well, didn’t you?<a name="page_15" id="page_15"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Of course I did.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>And this is Rosie’s husband and my new Vicar at Taverner.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Abbott.</span></p> - -<p>It makes me feel awfully grand.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>I adore them both, so you must like them. These dear things were waiting -to be married. Lewis was a curate in some dreadfully shabby suburb, and -he’s a saint.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Abbott.</span></p> - -<p>I wish you wouldn’t say such absurd things about me.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Nonsense. He’s a saint, but quite a modern nice sort of saint, who plays -cricket and doesn’t wear a hair shirt. And of course he couldn’t marry -Rosie, who hadn’t a penny to bless herself with, but Providence came to -the rescue and carried off our old Vicar with influenza.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Rosie.</span></p> - -<p>What dreadful things you say, Lady Wanley!</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>And the living’s in my gift, so I gave it to them, and there they are.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Rosie.</span></p> - -<p>You have been nice to us.<a name="page_16" id="page_16"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>My dears, you’re the only really good people I’ve ever known in my life. -I used to think my boys were till they went to Eton, and now I know -they’re devils.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Withers.</span></p> - -<p>We’re all under a debt of gratitude to you, Lady Wanley. Every one -worships them in the parish.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Abbott.</span></p> - -<p>Every one’s been very jolly, and they all try to make things easy for -us.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Withers.</span></p> - -<p>You know, they will work so hard, we could hardly persuade them to come -up to London for two or three days.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Withers.</span></p> - -<p>I daresay you’ve heard that we’ve taken a little place near Taverner.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Lady Wanley was telling me at luncheon.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Rosie</span>.] And are you enjoying yourself in London, darling?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Rosie.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Enthusiastically.</i>] Oh, it’s simply splendid. You don’t know what a -treat it is to us to come to the Grand Babylon. It makes us feel so -smart. And to-night we’re going to the Gaiety.<a name="page_17" id="page_17"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Withers</span>.] It’s very nice of you to be so good to these young -people.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Withers.</span></p> - -<p>It’s a pleasure to us to see how they enjoy everything.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Rosie.</span></p> - -<p>D’you know the Parker-Jennings are here? Isn’t it nice? They will be -surprised when they see us, won’t they, Lewis?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Withers.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>With a little sniff.</i>] I see Maria Jennings has got a lord with her.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Serlo, isn’t it? I thought I saw him.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Withers.</span></p> - -<p>I suppose you know they’re trying to hook him for Ethel?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Good heavens!</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Withers.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>With a shrug of the shoulders.</i>] As long as he’s a Marquess, and he’s -that all right, Maria Jennings don’t mind the rest.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>I hope Ethel will refuse to have anything to do with him.<a name="page_18" id="page_18"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Rosie.</span></p> - -<p>She’s a dear, isn’t she? I’m so fond of her, and she’s simply devoted to -Lewis.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>My dear, do you never say anything against any one?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Rosie.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>With a laugh.</i>] Seldom. Everybody’s so nice.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>It must make conversation very difficult. But Ethel is a charming girl, -and I shouldn’t like her to fall into the hands of that disgraceful -young rip.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Withers.</span></p> - -<p>She’s the only one of the family who hasn’t had her head turned by all -the money.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Of course you knew Mrs. Jennings before she was the exalted person she -is now.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Withers.</span></p> - -<p>Bless you, I’ve known her all my life. We went to the Brixton High -School together, and I was a bridesmaid at her wedding. Why, we used to -be popping in and out of one another’s houses all day long.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Withers.</span></p> - -<p>And now, if you please, she’ll hardly look at us.<a name="page_19" id="page_19"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Abbott.</span></p> - -<p>I’m afraid people don’t much like her at Taverner, but she’s done -everything she could for us, and they’re awfully generous.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Rosie.</span></p> - -<p>I don’t care what anybody says about her, she’s been perfectly sweet to -me. She told me that I might come to the Hall whenever I wanted to, and -I’m always dropping in to lunch there.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Oh well, if they’re nice to you, I forgive them. Mrs. Jennings can cut -me till she’s blue in the face.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Rosie.</span></p> - -<p>Oh look, there’s the Count.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<i>A distinguished-looking old man comes out of the restaurant and -walks slowly down the steps.</i></p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>It’s Adrian von Bremer. How on earth d’you know him?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Rosie.</span></p> - -<p>I don’t, but he’s rented a place in Cheshire, and he came to church -once.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>It’s the Pomeranian Ambassador, you know.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Withers.</span></p> - -<p>I know him well by sight.<a name="page_20" id="page_20"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>I wish he’d come and talk to us. I should like to introduce Lewis to -him.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>He’s as blind as a bat. I don’t suppose he’ll see us.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<i>Meanwhile</i> <span class="smcap">Von Bremer</span> <i>has reflectively put an eyeglass in his -eye, and looks round as he walks out. He catches sight of</i> <span class="smcap">Lady -Wanley</span>, <i>and smiling, comes up to her</i>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Von Bremer.</span></p> - -<p>How do you do.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>You look as if you were just going.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Von Bremer.</span></p> - -<p>I am. I had my coffee in the restaurant.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>What is the news in Pomerania?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Von Bremer.</span></p> - -<p>None except that our Emperor is growing old. All these domestic troubles -of his are breaking him down.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Poor old thing.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>I suppose nothing has been heard of the Archduke Sebastian?<a name="page_21" id="page_21"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Von Bremer.</span></p> - -<p>Nothing. We’ve given up the search.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Wanley</span>.] You remember that affair, don’t you? There was some -quarrel in the domestic circle, and the Archduke Sebastian suddenly -disappeared—four years ago, now, isn’t it?—and hasn’t been heard of -since. He simply vanished into thin air.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>But how do you know he’s alive?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Von Bremer.</span></p> - -<p>Every Christmas the Emperor receives a letter from him, sent from -different parts of the world, saying he’s well and happy.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>It’s really very romantic. I wonder what on earth he’s doing.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Von Bremer.</span></p> - -<p>Heaven only knows.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Tell me, how is that nice young <i>attaché</i> of yours that I met at -luncheon the other day.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Von Bremer.</span></p> - -<p>The nice young <i>attaché</i> has come to a bad end. I’ve had to send him -back to Pomerania.<a name="page_22" id="page_22"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Really?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Von Bremer.</span></p> - -<p>The story is rather entertaining. There’s an American woman here who has -a passion for titles, and it occurred to my <i>attaché</i> one day to -introduce his valet to her as Count So-and-So. Of course she was full of -attentions and immediately asked the valet to dinner. Presently the -story came to my ears. I really couldn’t have my <i>attachés</i> playing -practical jokes of that sort, and so I sent him home.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Poor boy, he was so nice.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Von Bremer.</span></p> - -<p>Good-bye.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, may I introduce Mr. Abbott to you. He’s your new Vicar at Taverner. -And this is Mrs. Abbott. You must be very nice to her.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Von Bremer.</span></p> - -<p>I’m delighted to meet you. I’ve heard wonderful stories of your good -works in the parish.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Abbott.</span></p> - -<p>It’s very kind of you to say so.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Von Bremer.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Rosie</span>.] If you will allow me I should like to call on you when I -come down to Cheshire.<a name="page_23" id="page_23"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Rosie.</span></p> - -<p>I shall be so pleased to see you.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Von Bremer.</span></p> - -<p>Good-bye.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<i>He bows and goes out.</i></p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Rosie.</span></p> - -<p>Wasn’t it nice of him to say he’d call? You know, he never goes -anywhere.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Withers.</span></p> - -<p>I can see Mrs. Jennings’ face when she hears that the Count has been to -see you, my dear.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Why do you say that?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Withers.</span></p> - -<p>The Count lives next door to them in the country, and they’ve moved -heaven and earth to know him, but he simply won’t look at them. Maria -would give her eyes if he’d call on her.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Rosie.</span></p> - -<p>How can you say such horrid things about her!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<i>During the last two or three speeches</i> <span class="smcap">Mr.</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. -Parker-Jennings</span> <i>come down the steps, followed by</i> <span class="smcap">Ethel</span>, <span class="smcap">Vincent</span> -<i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Serlo</span>. <span class="smcap">Serlo</span> <i>goes over to talk to a flashily dressed girl at -another table</i>. <span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings</span> <i>is a little stoutish man,<a name="page_24" id="page_24"></a> very -common and self-assertive</i>. <i>His wife is of a determined -appearance, vulgar, and magnificently dressed.</i> <span class="smcap">Vincent</span> <i>is showy -and aggressive</i>. <span class="smcap">Ethel</span> <i>is very charming and very pretty</i>. <span class="smcap">Serlo</span> -<i>is quite insignificant</i>. <span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings</span> <i>comes down the -centre of the stage, with her party, elaborately ignoring</i> <span class="smcap">Lady -Wanley’s</span> <i>table</i>. <span class="smcap">Rosie</span> <i>gets up and goes to her impulsively</i>. <span class="smcap">Mrs. -Withers</span> <i>and her husband rise</i>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Rosie.</span></p> - -<p>Mrs. Jennings, I am so glad to see you.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Frigidly putting up her glasses.</i>] Mrs. Abbott.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Withers.</span></p> - -<p>Hullo, Bob, old man, how are the chicks?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>We’re all in the best of ’ealth, thank you.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Shaking hands with</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Withers</span>.] I was hoping we should have a -chance of speaking to you.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Withers.</span></p> - -<p>What a picture you look, my dear! What’s the matter with Vincent? Why -are you trying to look as if you’d never seen me before?<a name="page_25" id="page_25"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>You’ll never allow me to forget you, Mrs. Withers.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Withers.</span></p> - -<p>No, I won’t. And many’s the time I’ve bathed you, my lad, in that little -back room in St. John’s Road, Brixton, and don’t you forget that either.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Rosie.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Enthusiastically to</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings</span>.] Aren’t you surprised to -see us here? Mr. and Mrs. Withers are giving us such a treat.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>I shouldn’t ’ave thought this quite the place for a clergyman’s wife to -come to. I confess I’m surprised you should find time to leave your work -at Taverner in order to gad about in London.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<span class="smcap">Rosie</span> <i>is taken aback by the snub, and her face falls</i>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Rosie.</span></p> - -<p>But we’re only here for a day or two. We shall be home on Thursday. I -was wondering if I might come up to luncheon as Lewis has got to go out.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>I’m expecting Lord Serlo’s mother and Lady Eleanor King to stay with me, -so perhaps you’d better not come up to the ’all for a few days. I’m sure -you understand, don’t you. I don’t want to ’urt<a name="page_26" id="page_26"></a> your feelings, but I -don’t think you’re quite the sort of person they’d like to meet.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<span class="smcap">Rosie</span> <i>gives a little gasp</i>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Indignantly.</i>] Mother.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>I’ll let you know when it’s convenient for you to call. I’m afraid -you’re a little inclined to be pushing, my dear. You don’t mind my -telling you, do you? It’s not quite the correct thing in a clergyman’s -wife.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<i>She turns her back on</i> <span class="smcap">Rosie</span>, <i>who is left gasping. She tries to -choke her sobs, but tears of mortification roll down her cheeks.</i></p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, the cad, the cad.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<i>She makes</i> <span class="smcap">Rosie</span> <i>sit down and comforts her</i>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>Mother, how could you.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Hold your tongue, Ethel. I’ve been wanting to give those people a lesson -for some time. Where’s our table, Robert?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>There are some people sitting there, my dear. We shall ’ave to take this -one.<a name="page_27" id="page_27"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Didn’t you tell the waiter to reserve it? Waiter!</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Yes, madam.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>You must tell those people that that table’s taken.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I’m very sorry, madam. Will this one not do instead?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>Yes, mother. Let’s sit here.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>I’m not going to let people push me into any ’ole and corner they like.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>Cheek, I call it.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Come on, sit down, mother.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Unwillingly taking her seat at a vacant table.</i>] How often ’ave I told -you not to call me mother? My name’s Marion; I’m sure you ought to know -it by now.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Is it? I always thought it was Maria.<a name="page_28" id="page_28"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Jack Straw</span>.] What are you waiting there for?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I thought the gentleman wished to give an order, madam.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Why didn’t you keep that table, eh?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I’m very sorry, madam, I daresay I misunderstood you.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Don’t you know English?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Perfectly, madam.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>I don’t know what they want to engage these dirty foreigners for, they -make me sick.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>Mother, he can hear every word you say.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Two coffees, and bring all the liqueurs you’ve got.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Very well, sir, cigars or cigarettes?<a name="page_29" id="page_29"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Bring some cigars, and none of your twopenny stinkers. Bring the most -expensive cigars you’ve got. I’ll soon show them who I am.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Very well, sir.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<i>Exit.</i></p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>Mother, how could you be so brutal to poor Rosie. What has she done to -you?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>I wish you wouldn’t call me mother, Ethel. It sounds so common. Why -don’t you call me mamma?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Who’s ’is lordship talking to?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, that’s little Flossie Squaretoes. I’ll go and give her a look up in -a minute.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>I wish you were a little more like your brother, Ethel. He knows ’ow to -live up to ’is position.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>Aitches, mater, aitches.<a name="page_30" id="page_30"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, you always say I drop my aitches, Vincent. Well, if I do I can -afford it.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>You’re wrong, mater, only the aristocracy can afford to drop their -aitches.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, well, p’raps we shall be aristocracy one of these days, eh, Robert?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>You leave it to me, my dear. If money can do it.... I say, ’is lordship -lapped up that ’ock of mine at luncheon, didn’t he?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>I wish you could get out of that ’abit of yours of always looking at -what people eat and drink. And what if he did lap it up. You didn’t put -it there for people to look at, did you?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>I say, Ethel, you needn’t have turned your back on him all the time.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>I thought he drank too much.<a name="page_31" id="page_31"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>Your ideas are so beastly middle-class. You mustn’t expect a man like -Serlo to do things like—like the people we used to know at....</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>That’ll do, Vincent. We all know quite well where we used to live before -your father’s poor uncle was taken, and you needn’t refer to it. [<span class="smcap">Ethel</span> -<i>shrugs her shoulders impatiently</i>.] It seems to me that Vincent and I -are the only ones of the family who know ’ow to live up to our position. -[<span class="smcap">Jack Straw</span> <i>comes up with the coffee and liqueurs. Another waiter hands -round the cigars.</i> <span class="smcap">Serlo</span> <i>rejoins them</i>.] [<i>Very affably.</i>] Come and sit -by me, Lord Serlo. Now what liqueurs will you ’ave? If there’s anything -you fancy, you just ask for it.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<span class="smcap">Rosie</span> <i>gives a little sob</i>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, my dear, don’t, don’t. You mustn’t mind.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Rosie.</span></p> - -<p>I feel so frightfully humiliated. She asked me to go to the hall -whenever I felt inclined, and I thought she really meant it. I never -knew that I wasn’t wanted. It’s so awful to know that they only thought -me horribly pushing.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Abbott.</span></p> - -<p>By Jove, I wish it had been one of the men. I should have liked to knock -him down and stamp on him.<a name="page_32" id="page_32"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>My dear Lewis, how nice and unchristian of you! I always said you were -just the right sort of saint for me.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Withers.</span></p> - -<p>Wouldn’t you like to come away now, my dear?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Rosie.</span></p> - -<p>Oh yes, I feel I want to hide myself.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Good-bye darling, don’t take it too much to heart. [<i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Withers</span>, -<span class="smcap">Abbott</span>, <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Rosie</span> <i>shake hands with</i> <span class="smcap">Holland</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Wanley</span>, <i>and -go out</i>.] Did you ever hear anything so fiendish? Oh, if I could only -make that woman suffer as she’s made poor little Rosie suffer. -[<i>Suddenly</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Wanley</span> <i>gets an idea. She leans forward.</i>] Ambrose.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>What’s the matter?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>I’ve got it.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>What d’you mean?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>One of these days Mrs. Jennings will give her eyes not to have insulted -that poor child. I’m going to give her a lesson that she’ll never -forget.<a name="page_33" id="page_33"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>She deserves pretty well anything that your feminine spite can suggest.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>I can do nothing without you, Ambrose.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Don’t ask me to do anything very disreputable.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>I’ve got her in the hollow of my hand, Ambrose.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Well?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Don’t you remember that story Adrian von Bremer told us about the -<i>attaché</i>? Let’s try it on Mrs. Jennings.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>But....</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, don’t make any objections. You <i>must</i> remember. He introduced his -valet to a woman as a foreign nobleman of sorts.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>I’m bound to say I thought it a very silly trick.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>I have no patience with you. Think how exactly the punishment fits the -crime. What a triumph it<a name="page_34" id="page_34"></a> would be if we got Mrs. Parker-Jennings to -take to her bosom....</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Who?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Your friend the waiter. I’m sure he’ll do it if you ask him. He’ll look -upon it as an adventure.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>I don’t think he’d do it. He’s an odd fellow.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, but ask him. There can be no harm in that.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>It’s all very well. But one has to consider the possible complications.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>There can’t be any complications. We only want to punish an insolent -snob who’s wantonly insulted a woman who never hurt a fly in her life.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<span class="smcap">Jack Straw</span> <i>comes up to their table</i>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Have you done with the Benedictine, sir?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Mr. Straw, will you do something for me?<a name="page_35" id="page_35"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Anything in the world, madam.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Mr. Holland tells me you’re a man of spirit.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Pray tell Mr. Holland he’s a man of discernment.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Are you ready still for any adventure that comes your way?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>So long as I can do it with clean hands.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Dear me.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I daresay your ladyship thinks it odd that a waiter should have -susceptibilities.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Let me tell you at once that I highly disapprove of Lady Wanley’s idea.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Then pray let me hear it. You always disapprove of everything that is -not hopelessly commonplace.<a name="page_36" id="page_36"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>You told us just now that you were only temporarily engaged here.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Quite right, madam.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>You see those people over there—two women and three men?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>The elder lady was so amiable as to call me a dirty foreigner.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>They’re the worst sort of <i>parvenus</i>. I think they’re the greatest snobs -in London. I have a little grudge against them.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Yes?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Slightly embarrassed.</i>] I want to introduce you to them—as a foreign -nobleman.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Giving her a searching look.</i>] Why?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Loudly.</i>] Waiter.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>It would amuse me to see them fawn upon you.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<i>A pause.</i></p></div> - -<p><a name="page_37" id="page_37"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>No, I’m afraid I can’t do that.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Frigidly.</i>] Then we’ll say no more about it.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Loudly.</i>] Waiter.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Going to him.</i>] Yes, sir.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Why the devil don’t you hurry up. I’ve called three times.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Blandly.</i>] I’m very sorry, sir. I was engaged at another table.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>You seem to think you can keep me waiting all day. I suppose that’s why -you’re called a waiter.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Robert, don’t make jokes with menials.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>I’ve got a good mind to report you to the management.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>Papa, he came as quickly as he could.<a name="page_38" id="page_38"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>This coffee’s disgusting. I don’t know what you make it out of. It -tastes like ditchwater.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I’m very sorry, sir. Let me get you some more.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>And look sharp about it, or you’ll find yourself decorated with an order -you don’t know in your country.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I beg your pardon, sir?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>The order of the boot.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>I can’t think why they don’t have English waiters in a smart hotel like -this instead of these damned foreigners.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Now then, look slippy.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<span class="smcap">Jack Straw</span> <i>has fixed his eyes on</i> <span class="smcap">Ethel</span>. <i>She has been looking -down. She gives him a glance. He takes the coffee things and gives -them to another waiter.</i></p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Her voice trembling with indignation.</i>] How can you talk like that to -a man who can’t defend himself! It’s so cowardly to insult a servant who -daren’t answer.<a name="page_39" id="page_39"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>I should think not indeed. I should like to see any servant answer me.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>You never ’ave learnt ’ow to treat servants, Ethel. You always talk to -them as if they was one of ourselves. I wish you could take a leaf out -of Vincent’s book. Treat ’em like dirt, and they’ll respect you.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<span class="smcap">Jack Straw</span>, <i>having given instructions to the waiter, goes to</i> -<span class="smcap">Holland</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Wanley</span>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I’m willing to do what you asked me to.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Why have you changed your mind?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>To tell you the truth I’m perfectly indifferent to the rudeness and the -vulgarity of your friends, but I think I should like to know that young -lady.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Would you, by Jove!</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>When her father insulted me, the most ravishing colour came into her -pale cheeks, and she looked at<a name="page_40" id="page_40"></a> me with the most beautiful eyes in the -world. And they were veiled with tears.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>And is that enough to make you change your mind?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Fortunately Mr. Straw is not in the habit of falling in love, or I -should refuse to hear anything more of this cracked-brained scheme.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>When will you be ready?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I’m ready now. It’s three o’clock, and Pierre is waiting in the basement -to put on this uniform.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>We couldn’t find a better place than this to effect an introduction.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Give me two minutes to change my clothes, and I am at your service.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>You have indeed an adventurous spirit.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>But I must make one condition—two, in fact.<a name="page_41" id="page_41"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>What are they?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Well, although you have glided over the point with singular discretion, -it is plain that you do not want me to assume a certain character merely -in order to enjoy a private snigger at the expense of these amiable -people.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>I don’t think I know what you mean?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Madam, it is always dangerous to count too much on the stupidity of -one’s fellows. We shall arrange this matter much better if you realise -that I’m a person of some shrewdness.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Go on.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>It is evident that you wish these good folk to take me to their bosom in -order that you may have the opportunity of telling them one day that I’m -merely an impostor.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>I really hadn’t thought about that.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I venture to suspect that you rate your intelligence too low.<a name="page_42" id="page_42"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Well, what is your condition?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>The position will be very humiliating to me. For all I know it may bring -me into uncomfortable relations with the police.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>I think the whole plan had better be dropped. It will lead to endless -bother.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I have no wish to drop it. You want to revenge yourself on some people -who have insulted you. I, for reasons of my own, am willing to help. But -I make the condition that you do not disclose the truth till I give you -leave. I promise not to withhold it unreasonably.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>I accept that. And the second condition?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Is very easy. I insist that you should behave towards me, whether we’re -alone or in public, as you naturally would if I were really the -individual I propose to personate.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>That’s only fair. Now who can we suggest that you should be?<a name="page_43" id="page_43"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>You’d better try and invent some character who you’re quite sure doesn’t -exist.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>We want something very extravagant and high-sounding.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Pray do not put yourselves to the trouble of thinking. You will -introduce me to your friends as the Archduke Sebastian of Pomerania.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>What!</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>But that’s a real person!</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>To invent an imaginary one would be ridiculous. Your friends would only -need to look in the Almanack de Gotha to discover the fraud.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>But Count von Bremer was talking to us about him just now. The Archduke -Sebastian is the man who mysteriously disappeared.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>It’s because his whereabouts are unknown that he’s the safest person to -choose.<a name="page_44" id="page_44"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>You would never be able to pass yourself off for an Archduke.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Strange as it may seem to you, a royal prince eats, drinks, breathes, -and behaves generally very much like men of baser clay.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>You’d be found out in a week.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>But how do you know I’m not the Archduke Sebastian?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>With a scornful laugh.</i>] You look it.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>But you’d want a suite and all sorts of things.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>The man is notoriously eccentric. I think it very likely that the -company of a stuffy old Colonel of Dragoons would bore him to death.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>It’s preposterous.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>You may either take it or leave it. I will be the Archduke Sebastian or -nobody.<a name="page_45" id="page_45"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>After all, Mrs. Jennings will probably never have heard of this trumpery -Archduke.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>And if she has, what more probable than that, having had enough of -retirement, he should enter once more upon the position which is his by -rights?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Looking at</i> <span class="smcap">Holland</span>.] It makes the joke infinitely better.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>You must make up your minds at once.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Ambrose, let’s toss. Heads it is, and tails it isn’t.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>All right. [<i>He tosses a coin.</i>] Tails.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>I said, tails it is, didn’t I?... I’m willing to risk it.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Give me two minutes.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<i>He goes out.</i></p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Heaven only knows what will be the end of it.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<span class="smcap">Lord Serlo</span> <i>comes up to them</i>.</p></div> - -<p><a name="page_46" id="page_46"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>Hello, Ambrose. How’s life? How d’ye do?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>What have you been doing?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>I’ve been lettin’ Jennings’ Patent Hardware stand me a lunch. My word, -that old woman’s so vulgar she just about takes the roof of your head -off.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Why do you lunch with people you thoroughly despise?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>Despise ’em! I don’t despise people who’ve got eighty thousand a year. -They’re trying to hook me for their girl.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>And are you proposing to—throw yourself away?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>She’s a very neat-steppin’ little filly—swallowed a poker in her -childhood—regrettable accident in the nursery, don’t you know, but -sound in wind and limb and all that sort of thing.<a name="page_47" id="page_47"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>I admire your romantic air.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>Whoever talked of romance? There’s half a million down on one side and -an old-established marquisate on the other.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>When is the happy event to take place?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>Well, as soon as we can get over a triflin’ impediment.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>What’s that?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>Well, the filly’s kicking. Have to put a red ribbon on her tail, don’t -you know.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>She’s refusing the coronet you lay at her feet?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>Won’t touch it with the fag end of a barge pole. I was sittin’ next to -her at lunch, and she simply turned<a name="page_48" id="page_48"></a> her back on me—no mistakin’ it, -don’t you know. Wouldn’t let me get a word in edgeways. Mother’s all -over me, father’s all over me, son’s all over me. What’s the good of -that? Can’t marry them. Rotten, I call it. Came over here to have a bit -of a rest.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Laughing.</i>] And how d’you like Vincent?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>Rotten bounder. Can’t stick him at any price, knows too many lords for -me. When he’s my brother-in-law—hoof him out, don’t you know—double -quick march. Pretty Polly’s all very well but I’m not takin’ her family. -Can’t do it for half a million, don’t you know. Must be practical.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<span class="smcap">Vincent</span> <i>comes up to them</i>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>How d’you do, Lady Wanley? I saw you driving with Lady Mary Ware -yesterday. Such a nice girl, isn’t she? I suppose you know her brother -Tregury, don’t you? Great pal of mine at Oxford.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>He’s my second cousin, Mr. Jennings, and he pronounces his name -Tregary.<a name="page_49" id="page_49"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>Oh yes, of course. I always used to call him Tregury for fun.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Did you?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>You have a very keen sense of humour.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>I was just having an argument with the mater as to what relation he was -to the Duke of Sherwin.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>I’m afraid I haven’t your intimate knowledge of the peerage, but I -should think the only relation they’ve had in common for the last two -centuries is that lamented monarch, Charles II.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Serlo</span>.] Nice chap, Sherwin.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>Dunno him.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>Don’t you? Not know Sherwin? I must introduce you to him. I’m sure he’d -like to know you. Thorough sportsman.<a name="page_50" id="page_50"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>Is he?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>Yes, rather. I saw him looking on at a cricket match the other day. -Great pal of my governor’s, you know. Thorough English gentleman.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>They’d get on well together.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Holland</span>.] Here is our friend.</p> - -<p class="hang"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw</span> <i>comes in, hat and cane in hand. He wears a very smart -suit, tail coat, grey trousers, &c.</i></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I’m so sorry I couldn’t come to lunch with you.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<i>He shakes</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Wanley’s</span> <i>hand, she slightly curtsies to him</i>. -<span class="smcap">Mrs. Jennings</span> <i>nudges her husband, and they both stare with all -their eyes</i>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>It’s very good of you to have come now, sir.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Ah, my dear Holland, you are looking the picture of health.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>It’s very kind of you, sir.<a name="page_51" id="page_51"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>May I introduce Lord Serlo to you?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Shaking hands with him.</i>] How d’you do. I think your father was -ambassador in Pomerania for some time.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>Yes, he was.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Surprised.</i>] How did you know that—sir?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I remember him quite well. He used to play with me when I was a little -boy. I was so sorry to hear of his death.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>He wasn’t a bad old buffer. Kept me dooced short of money, though.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Gaily.</i>] But unless you introduce me to Lord Serlo he won’t know who -on earth I am.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>I thought every one knew, at least by sight, the—Archduke Sebastian of -Pomerania.<a name="page_52" id="page_52"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>You talk of me as if I were a notorious character. [<i>Meanwhile</i> <span class="smcap">Vincent</span> -<i>has been making frantic signs to be introduced, coughing and shuffling -on his feet</i>. <span class="smcap">Jack Straw</span> <i>looks at him through his eyeglass</i>.] Won’t you -introduce your friend to me?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Mr. Vincent Parker-Jennings.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>I’m very proud and honoured to make your Royal Highness’s acquaintance.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>It’s very polite of you to say so.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>I’ve always had a great sympathy for Pomerania. Most wonderful country -in Europe, that’s what I always say.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I will tell my grandfather you think so. He will be pleased and -flattered.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>I haven’t ever been there, you know, sir. But I know all about it -through Adrian von Bremer.<a name="page_53" id="page_53"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Hastily.</i>] Your ambassador lives quite near Mr. Jennings.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Oh yes.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>His place marches with ours, don’t you know. He’s a great pal of my -people’s. Jolly old thing, isn’t he, sir? Thorough sportsman. That’s -what I call a gentleman.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I seem to know your name so well.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Mr. Parker-Jennings is the great philanthropist. He’s provided books to -put in all Mr. Carnegie’s free libraries.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>What a noble act. I should very much like to make his acquaintance.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>He’s sitting over there with my mother and sister. Shall I go and fetch -him, sir?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>It’s very kind of you to take so much trouble.<a name="page_54" id="page_54"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Jack Straw</span> <i>in an undertone</i>.] For goodness sake be careful.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Putting up his eyeglass.</i>] I beg your pardon, I did not catch what you -said.... Pray repeat it.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Embarrassed.</i>] It was of no consequence, sir.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Vincent</span>.] Who is he, Vincent? I saw ’er curtsey to him.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>Come along, pater. He wants to be introduced to you.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>I’m coming too, Vincent.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>Awfully jolly chap. Archduke Sebastian. What ho!</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>But look here, Vincent, I don’t know how to talk to Royalty. How shall I -address him?<a name="page_55" id="page_55"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, that’s all right. Say <i>Sir</i> wherever you can slip it in and when you -can’t say <i>Royal Highness</i>.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<span class="smcap">Jack Straw</span> <i>comes forward a little with</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Wanley</span>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>This is Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Shaking hands with her.</i>] I’m delighted to make your acquaintance. -[<i>Turning to</i> <span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings</span>.] I have often heard of you, Mr.... Mr....</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Prompting.</i>] Parker-Jennings.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>With a relieved smile.</i>] Mr. Parker-Jennings. I’m sure I wish we had -in my country more men of your public spirit and disinterestedness.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Very nervously.</i>] I try to do my little best, you know, sir, your -Royal Highness.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Won’t you introduce me to your daughter?<a name="page_56" id="page_56"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>I’m sure, sir, your Royal Highness is very affable. Ethel!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<span class="smcap">Ethel</span> <i>slowly comes forward, and curtsies</i>. <i>He looks at her -steadily, takes her hand and kisses it.</i></p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>In an undertone.</i>] What ho!</p> - -<p class="c"> <br />END OF THE FIRST ACT.<a name="page_57" id="page_57"></a></p> - -<h2><a name="THE_SECOND_ACT" id="THE_SECOND_ACT"></a>THE SECOND ACT</h2> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="hang"><i>The drawing-room at Taverner, the</i> <span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings’</span> <i>place in -Cheshire</i>. <i>Large French windows lead out on to the garden.</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. -Parker-Jennings</span>, <i>magnificently dressed, is standing in the middle -of the room</i>. <span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings</span> <i>comes in, rubbing his hands</i>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>The band has come, my dear, and they’re ready to start playing the -moment any one turns up.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>’Ave you told ’em about the Pomeranian anthem?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>What do you think, my dear?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>I wish you wouldn’t answer me like that. Why don’t you say yes or no? I -can’t abide these city ways of yours.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>I was only being facetious, my dear.<a name="page_58" id="page_58"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>I should ’ave thought you’d learned by now that it’s vulgar to be funny. -You’ve never ’eard a duchess make a joke, ’ave you?</p> - -<p class="c"><span class="smcap">Vincent</span> <i>comes in</i>.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>I’ve just been round the refreshment tents. There’s one thing, people -can’t say we haven’t spread ourselves out.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Rubbing his hands.</i>] I ’aven’t spared a single expense. The band’s -down from London, and the refreshments are from Gunter’s. There’s not a -cigar on the place that cost less than one and six—and that’s the -wholesale price.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, we’ve done it well, there’s no denying that. I’ve asked the Withers, -Robert. Florrie Withers will be mad with jealousy. I shouldn’t wonder if -she didn’t choke with envy when she swallowed a caviar sandwich.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>It was a rare stroke of business when we got the Archduke to come and -stay.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>That’s through me, pater. You’d never have known him if I hadn’t been on -the spot.<a name="page_59" id="page_59"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>And I’ve asked Lady Wanley. I just want her to see that I can get on -without her. All the county’s coming. I sent ’em all cards, whether I -knew ’em or not, and they’ve all accepted.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Don’t you remember, Marion, how bucked we were in the old days when Mrs. -Bromsgrove came to dine with us, because her husband was on the L.C.C.?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>I wish she could see me now. D’you remember ’ow she used to patronise -me? I wish all that stuck-up lot on Brixton ’ill was here to see us -’ob-nob with the aristocracy.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>It’s the Archduke that done it, my dear.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>What’s Serlo now? Marquis of Serlo—pooh. He isn’t going to get any more -opportunities from me—and if he says anything I’ll just send him off -with a flea in his ear.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>Draw it mild, mater.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Your mother’s a great woman, Vincent. This is the day of her life.<a name="page_60" id="page_60"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>I wish I ’adn’t been such a fool as to ask Serlo to stay here. And it’s -just like that aggravating girl. When I wanted Ethel to marry him, she -wouldn’t so much as look at him, and now that she can have some one else -for the asking, she’s with ’im all day.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>Well, I’m for the bird in the hand, mater. The Archduke don’t look much -like a marrying man to me.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Don’t you worry about that, my dear. Every man’s a marrying man when -he’s got a chance of a pretty girl with ’alf a million of money.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Here she is.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel</span> <i>comes in with</i> <span class="smcap">Lord Serlo</span>.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>The Withers have just motored over, mother.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>They would be first, wouldn’t they? I expect Florrie Withers was waiting -on the doorstep till the clock struck four. Where’s his Royal Highness?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>I don’t know at all.<a name="page_61" id="page_61"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>He’s asleep in the garden; he’s sittin’ in the most comfortable -arm-chair in the place, with another for each of his legs, and he’s -clasping in his hands what looks suspiciously like a very long gin and -soda to me.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Well, somebody must go and wake him up. I’ve asked ’alf the county to -meet him, and he can’t go on sleeping.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw</span> <i>comes in</i>.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I say, what have you got a beastly band playing the Pomeranian anthem -for? Woke me up. I was having such a jolly sleep too.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Very affably.</i>] The people are just coming, sir.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>What people?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>All the very best people in Cheshire, sir—no outsiders to-day. What ho!</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Good lord, are you giving a party?<a name="page_62" id="page_62"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Don’t you remember, sir? I asked if I might invite a few friends to meet -you.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, yes—Lady Wanley and Holland. I thought we might have a jolly little -game of bridge in the garden. What have you got the village band in for?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>That’s not the village band, sir. That’s the Royal Blue Orchestra.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Cost me £150 to have them down. Special train from London, and I don’t -know what all.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>Shut up, pater. You needn’t tell every one how much you paid for things.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>How many do you expect?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Oh—only my most intimate friends—about....</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Yes?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Well, about three hundred and fifty.<a name="page_63" id="page_63"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>By George, that’s cheerful. D’you want me to shake hands with them all?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>They’re the very best people in the county, sir. <i>Crème de la crème.</i></p> - -<p class="hang"> -<i>A servant enters to announce</i> <span class="smcap">Mr.</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Withers</span>.<br /> -<i>They come in.</i><br /> -</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Servant.</span></p> - -<p>Mr. and Mrs. Withers.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>How d’you do? It’s so nice of you to come before any one else.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Withers.</span></p> - -<p>We know you’re not used to these grand affairs, Maria, and we thought -you might want a couple of old friends to do something for you.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, thank you. But there are plenty of servants. May I introduce Mr. and -Mrs. Withers to your Royal ’Ighness.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>How d’you do.<a name="page_64" id="page_64"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>We were just going into the garden. I daresay people will begin to come -presently.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<i>They all go out except</i> <span class="smcap">Ethel</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lord Serlo</span>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>I say, I’m going to hook it to-morrow.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>Are you? I’m very sorry.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>I wish I thought that.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>Why are you going so soon?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>Your respected mother has given your humble notice to quit.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>What do you mean?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>Look here, let’s be frank with one another, shall we?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>Aren’t we always?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>Well, if you ask me point blank, anythin’ but.<a name="page_65" id="page_65"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>Then let us be frank at once.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>Well, ten days ago your people were all over me. I suppose you know why -as well as I do.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>D’you think we need talk of that?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>Frankness is rather tryin’, ain’t it?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>No. Please go on.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>It was dear Lord Serlo all day long; they couldn’t have enough of me. -Rippin’ good chap, Serlo. Just the sort of cove one would like to have -for a son-in-law.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>Lord Serlo!</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>Half a mo. I ain’t done yet. Eminently suitable match, and all that sort -of thing, only the young lady couldn’t stick me at any price.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>I don’t know why you should say this.<a name="page_66" id="page_66"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>Better have it out, you know; rotten, keepin’ things on your chest. -Don’t blame the young lady. Don’t know that I should much fancy myself -if I was a blushing damsel. Not everybody’s money. Got a bit damaged in -transit, eh, what? Been mixed up in one or two scandals. Not the right -thing for an old-established marquess. Bit inclined to drink. No harm in -him, you know, but not the sort of man you’d like to spend the rest of -your life with. Young woman got a mind of her own. Lets the noble lord -see she wouldn’t take him if he was given away with a pound of tea. All -right, says noble lord, bet’s off. Not much, says mother of young woman. -Half a million goin’ beggin’. Give her time to get used to you. -Fascinating cove really. More she knows you more she’ll like you. Come -down and stay in the country.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>With a laugh.</i>] How can you talk such nonsense!</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>All right, says noble lord, I’m on. Jolly nice girl, and all that sort -of thing. Noble lord rather smit. Thinks if she’ll have him he’ll turn -over a new leaf—give up everythin’ rotten and try and make her a good -husband. Rather taken with the idea of double harness. He may look a -fool, but noble lord knows a good thing when he sees it, and the young -lady’s about the best thing he’s ever set eyes on.<a name="page_67" id="page_67"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>Are you talking seriously by any chance?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>Now don’t interrupt me. I’ve just got into a good steady canter, and -I’ll get it all off my chest at once.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>I’m so sorry.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>Well, when eligible marquess gets down in the country, what d’you think -he finds? Blessed if there ain’t a foreign prince on the scene. My word, -that’s enough to put the noble lord’s aristocratic nose right out of -joint, ain’t it? Look here, old boy, you keep your weather eye open, and -all that sort of thing, says the noble lord to himself. May be an ass, -don’t you know, but when there’s a bloomin’ hurricane comin’ along he -can see which way the wind is blowin’. Brother rather chilly, father -rather chilly, mother regular iceberg. All right, says noble lord to -himself, but what about Pretty Polly?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>Is that me by any chance?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>For the last month Pretty Polly had been simply turnin’ her back on -noble lord, snubbin’ him right and left, and all of a sudden she becomes -extraordinary affable. Hulloa, what’s this, says noble lord, and his<a name="page_68" id="page_68"></a> -little heart goes pit-a-pat. He may be a fool, but he ain’t a damned -fool, and in a day or two he tumbles to it. So, like a wise man, he -packs his bag and hooks it.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>I don’t know what on earth you mean?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>Don’t you? Well, will you have it straight from the shoulder?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>We agreed to be quite frank.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>All right. No spoof. My dear, I just saw that you were fairly knocked -silly by the Archduke, and there wasn’t a ghost of a chance for little -Ned Serlo.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>It’s not true.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, yes, it is. You see, I’m a bit knocked silly myself, and that makes -you precious far-sighted.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>You!</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>All right, you needn’t get up on your hind legs. I’m not goin’ to -propose to you now. I know it would be no precious good. At first I -didn’t care twopence; it<a name="page_69" id="page_69"></a> was just a business arrangement—half a -million down on one side and an old-established marquisate on the other. -But now.... Well, you know I’m rather an ass at saying what I mean—when -I really mean it.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>I’m very sorry. I’m afraid I’ve been unkind to you.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, no, you haven’t. I do seem a rotten little bounder, don’t I?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>No, I think you might be an awfully good friend.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>It’s jolly of you to say so. You know, I can’t stick your family. Can -you?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Smiling.</i>] You see, I knew them before they were rich. When you’ve -lived all your life in a sordid narrow way, it’s very hard to have such -enormous wealth as ours.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>You make allowances for them, but you never did for me.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>It would have been very impertinent of me.<a name="page_70" id="page_70"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>It never struck you that it’s devilish hard to be a marquess with no -means of livelihood but your title. And the worst of a title is that -it’ll get you plenty of credit, but dooced little hard cash.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>I never thought of that.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>Well, look here, what I wanted to say is this: it’s no business of mine -about the Archduke. You know, I don’t know much about royalty, but I -don’t think a foreign prince is likely to marry the daughter of nobody -in particular just because she’s got nice eyes and a pot of money. -[<span class="smcap">Ethel</span> <i>is about to speak</i>.] No, let me go on. You may be going to have -a rotten time, and I just want you to know that if at any time you want -me—well, you know what I mean, don’t you. Let’s forget that you’re an -heiress, and I’m an old-established marquess. You’re an awfully ripping -sort, and I’m just Ned Serlo. I’m not a bad sort either, and perhaps we -might be happy together.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Touched.</i>] It’s very charming of you. I’m so glad that I know you -better now. Whatever happens I know I can count on you.<a name="page_71" id="page_71"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>That’s all right then. Meanwhile noble lord’s goin’ to hook it—leave -the coast clear, and bear it like a man, don’t you know.</p> - -<p><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Jack Straw</span>.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Well, how are the weather and the crops?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Rather surprised.</i>] Blessed if I know, sir.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I merely asked because you looked as if you’d been discussing them.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<i>He gives</i> <span class="smcap">Serlo</span> <i>a glance</i>. <span class="smcap">Serlo</span> <i>shows no sign of moving</i>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I’m not driving you away, am I?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Getting up.</i>] Not at all, sir. I thought I’d go and have a look at the -party.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Do go and pretend you’re me, there’s a good fellow, and shake hands with -some of those confounded people. You’ll see where I ought to stand, -because there’s a little piece of red carpet on the lawn.<a name="page_72" id="page_72"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>I’m afraid they’re not takin’ any of me, sir.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<i>Exit.</i></p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>The only advantage I’ve ever been able to find in being a royal -personage is that when anybody’s in your way you just tell him to go, -and he goes.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>Why did you want Lord Serlo to go, sir?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Because I wanted to be alone with you. Ask me another, quickly.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>Oughtn’t I to help mother to receive people?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I’m sure you ought. But, you see, that’s another advantage of being a -royal personage, that you can’t go till I give you your dismissal. I -say, don’t you hate parties?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>Dreadfully.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>So do I. Let’s pretend there isn’t one, shall we? I say, why don’t you -sit down and make yourself comfy?<a name="page_73" id="page_73"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>I should like to have a little talk with you, sir.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>That’s jolly. I wish we had a regiment of soldiers there to turn all -those people out.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>May I say anything I like to you, sir?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Good heavens, why not?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>Until I was sixteen the most exalted person I’d ever met in my life was -a London County Councillor. I’m not quite sure if I know how to behave -with royal personages.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Why on earth don’t you buy a book on etiquette? I always carry one about -with me.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>Mother bought several when you said you’d come down.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I wonder if she’s got the same as mine. You know I never can remember to -call a serviette a napkin.<a name="page_74" id="page_74"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>Mamma’s very particular about that.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>And look here, d’you know that you ought never to call a chicken a fowl? -It’s awfully bad form. I wonder if that’s in your mother’s books. I say, -what charming eyes you have.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>That’s another of the advantages of being a royal personage, that you -can make pretty speeches, and no one takes them seriously.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>But you know, I’m a very insignificant royal personage. You mustn’t -think I’m anything very grand really.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>It’s very nice of you to say so.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>You see, there are seventy-nine archdukes and duchesses in Pomerania. My -grandfather had seventeen children, and they all married. How many -children would each have had to make seventy-nine of us?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>It sounds very difficult.<a name="page_75" id="page_75"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>But you see I can’t be very important, can I? And of course I’ve got -practically no money to speak of.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>It’s very good of you to put me at my ease. Then you wont mind if I say -exactly what I want to?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>You won’t give me good advice, will you? I’ve got seventy-nine -relations, and they all do that.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>I wouldn’t venture.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I’ll bear whatever else you say with fortitude. We’ll pretend that -you’re just Miss So-and-So.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>As in point of fact, I am.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>And that I’m—Jack Straw.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Surprised.</i>] Why on earth Jack Straw?<a name="page_76" id="page_76"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Indifferently.</i>] It’s the name of a public-house in Hampstead. Pray go -on.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>I wondered if you’d do me a great favour.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Ask me for the moon, and it shall be left at your front door by Carter -Paterson to-morrow morning.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>It’s something much simpler than that.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Put me out of suspense quickly.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>I should be very much obliged if—if you’d go away.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Much surprised.</i>] I? Now?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>I didn’t mean actually this minute. But if it suited your arrangements -to go to-morrow....</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>You don’t mean to say you want me to go away altogether?<a name="page_77" id="page_77"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>That is precisely what I did mean.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Couldn’t you ask me something easier than that? Ask me for a lawyer who -never told a lie, and I’ll deliver him to you, bound hand and foot.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>I don’t happen to want one just at this moment, thank you.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>But I’m having a very jolly time down here.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>With a change of tone.</i>] Don’t you see that you’re exposing me every -day to the most cruel humiliation?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I thought I was making myself so pleasant.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, don’t pretend you don’t understand. I’ve seen the twinkle in your -eyes when my mother set a little trap for you to fall in.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I always fall in very neatly.<a name="page_78" id="page_78"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>But what do you think I felt when I knew how clearly you saw that she -was throwing me at your head?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>It’s a distinctly pleasing sensation to have a pretty girl thrown at -your head.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>It was only a joke to you; you don’t know how ashamed I was.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>But why do you suppose I came down to Taverner—to see your father and -mother?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>I don’t know why you came—unless it was to make me desperately -wretched.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>What would you say if I told you that I came because I loved you at -first sight?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>I should say that your Royal Highness was very polite.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Now, look here, don’t you think I’m rather nice, really?<a name="page_79" id="page_79"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>It would surely be very impertinent of me to have any opinion on the -subject.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Our friend Serlo would describe that as one in the eye.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>Would you allow me to go back to my mother’s guests, sir?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Imperturbably.</i>] Do you think you’d like me any better if I weren’t an -Archduke?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>I haven’t thought about it.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Then please give the matter your immediate attention.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>I should certainly like you no less.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I have no doubt that if I were just a penniless adventurer you’d simply -dote upon me.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>I don’t know if I’d put it quite so strongly as that.<a name="page_80" id="page_80"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>You know, I’m afraid you’re hopelessly romantic. You’ve confessed your -attachment to me, and just because I happen incautiously to have chosen -an Emperor for my grandfather, you want me to go away. It’s so -unreasonable.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>But I haven’t confessed anything of the sort.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I look upon your request that I should go away as equivalent to an -avowal of undying passion.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>Shall I tell you what I would say to you if you weren’t an Archduke?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Yes.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>I’d say you were the most audacious, impudent, and impertinent man I’d -ever seen in my life.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<i>She gives a rapid, ironical curtsey, and goes out. He is about to -follow her when</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Wanley</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Holland</span> <i>come in</i>. <span class="smcap">Jack Straw</span> -<i>stops and shakes hands with them</i>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Ah, I was hoping to have the pleasure of seeing you. You wrote me a -little note, Mr. Holland.<a name="page_81" id="page_81"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Ironically.</i>] I ventured to ask if I might have a few minutes’ private -conversation with you.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Perhaps you wouldn’t mind waiting here. I will rejoin you immediately.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<i>He goes out.</i></p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>You know, he positively freezes me.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>I think it’s wonderful. One couldn’t suspect for a moment that he’s -only....</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Take care.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<i>He looks round.</i></p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>No one will come here. We can talk quite safely.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>I wish to goodness we hadn’t ever thought of this fool trick. I knew it -would lead to all sorts of bother.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>It’s no good saying that now. We must keep our heads and get out of it -as best we can.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>What are you going to do?<a name="page_82" id="page_82"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, that’s just like a man. You’re trying to put the whole blame on me. -What are <i>you</i> going to do?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Well, we must finish with it as quickly as we can.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Whatever happens, there must be no scene. I couldn’t bear to see him -publicly humiliated.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Why on earth should you think of him?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, I’m such a fool, Ambrose.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>My dear, what <i>do</i> you mean?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>After all, I’m not a girl—I’m the mother of two healthy boys with -enormous appetites. I think the man has bewitched me.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Good Lord!</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>It’s no good saying that. Of course he’s the most fascinating creature -I’ve ever seen in my life.<a name="page_83" id="page_83"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>You don’t mean to say you’re seriously in love with him?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>A widow with a sense of humour is never seriously in love with anybody.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Well?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>But I think it’s much better the young man should disappear as -mysteriously as he came.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>There we’re quite agreed. And we’ll tell him so with considerable -frankness.</p> - -<p><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Jack Straw</span>.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Now, my dear people, I am at your service.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<span class="smcap">Holland</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Wanley</span> <i>are sitting down</i>. <span class="smcap">Jack Straw</span> <i>looks -at</i> <span class="smcap">Holland</span><i>, who rises uneasily</i>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, don’t be such an ass, Jack.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Frigidly.</i>] I beg your pardon. [<i>Pause.</i>] Perhaps you’d be good enough -to put down my hat.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<span class="smcap">Holland</span> <i>takes it and flings it crossly on a chair</i>.</p></div> - -<p><a name="page_84" id="page_84"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I don’t think you’re in a very good humour this afternoon, Mr. Holland. -I venture to think your manners leave something to be desired.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Look here, we’ve had enough of this tomfoolery.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Pray sit down. It distresses me to see you standing.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>I believe the man’s out of his senses.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Very amiably.</i>] Have you forgotten the waiter’s uniform which fitted -you so wonderfully, Mr. Straw?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Calmly.</i>] Quite. I only remember the condition your ladyship was good -enough to agree to, when I accepted your humorous suggestion.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>But, look here, we must talk the matter out.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I am quite willing to listen to you, my dear Holland. Your conversation -is often interesting and sometimes epigrammatic. I stipulate only that -you should use<a name="page_85" id="page_85"></a> those forms of politeness which are usual between a -person of your position and a person of mine.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>I should never have consented to this folly if I’d known to what it was -going to lead. In a moment of uncontrollable irritation, because Mrs. -Jennings had behaved with the greatest insolence to a defenceless girl, -we made up our minds to punish her. There was no great harm in it. We -thought perhaps she’d ask you to dinner, and there would be an end of -it. It never dawned on us that you’d come and stay here indefinitely.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>My dear fellow, why should you blame me for your own lack of -intelligence?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Impatiently.</i>] Ugh!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<span class="smcap">Jack Straw</span> <i>goes over and sits beside</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Wanley</span>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Our friend is quite incoherent, isn’t he?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>We want you to go away, sir.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Do you? I say, what a jolly frock. Where did you get it?<a name="page_86" id="page_86"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>With a little laugh, disarmed by his impudence.</i>] You’re perfectly -irresistible.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>You’ve taken the words out of my mouth, that’s just what I was going to -say to you.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Are you ever serious?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Always when I’m talking to a pretty woman.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>I wish I could understand you.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>My dear lady, I’ve been trying to understand myself for the last thirty -odd years. By the way, how old am I, Holland?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>How the deuce should I know?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Well, my dear fellow, I think it’s very careless of you. You might have -looked it out. Supposing some one had asked me my age?<a name="page_87" id="page_87"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>I wish you really were a royal personage.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>It does seem hard that a waiter should have such a way with him, doesn’t -it?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Confidentially.</i>] Who are you really?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Your devoted servant, madam. Who could be anything else after knowing -you for ten minutes?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>It’s charming of you to say so.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I am very nice, aren’t I?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Much too nice. That is why I beseech your Royal Highness graciously to -take his departure.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>You know, you haven’t yet told me where you got that frock.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, I bought it in Paris. Do you like it?<a name="page_88" id="page_88"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>It’s ripping. And it suits you admirably.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Isabel, Isabel, we came here to be sensible.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>My dear Ambrose, let me be sensible in my own way.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, my dear Holland, I wonder if you’d very much mind going to see if my -red carpet is still in its place.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>I’m not going to be made a fool of by you, my friend.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Why not? You’re doing it very well.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Don’t be piggy, Ambrose.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>What on earth do you want me to do?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>I’m simply dying of thirst. I wish you’d get me a glass of lemonade.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>I have no intention whatever of stirring from this spot.<a name="page_89" id="page_89"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I’ve been wondering for the last week what I should do if I signified -his dismissal to any one, and he flatly refused to go. Very awkward, -isn’t it?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Mahomet and the mountain isn’t in it.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Of course a hundred years ago I’d have cast him into a dungeon. But, -between ourselves, I don’t happen to have a dungeon handy.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Now look here, we’ve had enough of this nonsense. The joke has gone far -enough. Are you going or not?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Well, if you ask me point blank, I’m not.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>But don’t you know that I have only to say two words for you to be -kicked out of the house by the servants?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>You forget that you’d be undoubtedly kicked out with me.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Now look here, Jack, we’ve been old pals, and we’ve gone through a deuce -of a lot together. I don’t want<a name="page_90" id="page_90"></a> to say beastly things to you. I know -I’ve made a fool of myself, but you’re a decent chap. You must see that -it’s necessary for you to go at once.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I cannot for the life of me see anything of the sort. I have no other -engagements, and the country is charming at this time of year.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>You’re behaving like a common impostor.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>What language to use to a royal personage! I assure you we’re not used -to such frankness.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Do you deliberately refuse to go?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Deliberately.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>And shall I tell you why?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I happen to know, thank you.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>You’re going to commit the most disgraceful action of your life. Do you -think any one can’t see that you’re madly in love with Ethel Jennings?<a name="page_91" id="page_91"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Springing to her feet.</i>] Is that true?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Quite.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Then why have you been flirting with me so disgracefully?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I assure you I had no intention of doing so. It must be my unfortunate -manner.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>It’s an unfortunate manner that’s quite likely to get you into trouble -with widow ladies.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>In that case you can only applaud my determination to marry as quickly -as possible.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Not Ethel Jennings?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>You must be joking?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>My dear madam, when I make a joke I always laugh quickly, so that there -should be no doubt about it.<a name="page_92" id="page_92"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>It’s preposterous. I shall allow you to do nothing of the sort.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>My dear fellow, what is the use of getting violently excited about it? -More especially as I haven’t yet proposed to the young lady.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>I think you must be stark staring mad. You don’t suppose for a moment -that we shall allow you to carry out such an odious deception. I can’t -imagine how you can even think of anything so heartless and cruel.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>It’s going too far. You must understand that it’s impossible. I beseech -you to leave Taverner immediately.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>It drives me to distraction that I should have to refuse your smallest -whim, but in this matter [<i>with a dramatic flourish</i>] I am adamant.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Now, look here, we’ve talked about it enough. Either you leave this -place immediately or I shall tell Mrs. Jennings the whole story.<a name="page_93" id="page_93"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>It is only fair to give you that satisfaction. That was part of our -arrangement.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>You realise the consequences?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Very amiably.</i>] I did that before I entered into your scheme.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>You leave me no alternative.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>My dear Holland, I really believe you’re rather nervous about the -disclosure which it is evidently your duty to make.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>For your own sake I ask you once more: will you give me your word of -honour to leave the house and under no circumstances communicate with -any member of the family?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>It’s charming of you to give me one more chance. I can only repeat that -I am deeply in love with Ethel, and I have every intention of marrying -her.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Your blood be upon your own head.<a name="page_94" id="page_94"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>If I perish, I perish.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<span class="smcap">Holland</span> <i>goes to the door</i>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>No, Ambrose, I beseech you not to.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Good heavens, the whole thing was done so that you might have an -opportunity to crow over Mrs. Jennings. Now you’re going to have it.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>But I don’t want it any more. It was a foolish thing. Let him go -quietly.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>But, you see, he won’t go.</p> - -<p><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Mr.</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings</span>.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, your Royal ’Ighness, we’ve been looking for you everywhere. We -couldn’t make out what ’ad become of you.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>All the county is there. <i>Crème de la crème.</i></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent</span> <i>comes in hurriedly</i>.<a name="page_95" id="page_95"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>I say, mater, what on earth are you doing? Hurry up, the duchess has -just driven up.... Oh, I beg your pardon, sir. I didn’t know you were -there.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Vincent, go and fetch your sister. I have something important to say -that it is necessary for her to hear.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>But look here, the duchess has just....</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, hang the duchess. Where’s Ethel?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>She’s sitting just outside, talking to Serlo.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Then call her.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Looking round with astonishment.</i>] ’As anythin ’appened?</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<span class="smcap">Vincent</span> <i>goes out and in a moment returns with</i> <span class="smcap">Ethel</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Serlo</span>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Holland</span>.] Ambrose, be gentle.<a name="page_96" id="page_96"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Your Royal Highness isn’t put out about anything?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Quickly.</i>] Oh, I ’ope we ’aven’t made any <i>faux pas</i>.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Nothing has happened to displease me. I’m in the best possible humour, -thank you.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Seeing</i> <span class="smcap">Ethel</span>.] Oh, there you are. [<i>Addressing himself to the company -in general.</i>] I have something very painful to say, and I don’t know how -I’m going to make it clear to you.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>I say, is this any business of mine? Shall I hook it?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Oh no, pray stay by all means.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Jack Straw</span>.] Haven’t you changed your mind, sir?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I’m like a historical character whose name I can’t remember at the -moment: I never change my mind.<a name="page_97" id="page_97"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Mrs. Jennings, I’m afraid there’s no use in my trying to excuse myself. -I had better just tell you everything as shortly as I can.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Mr. Holland, don’t you think it can wait till later? The duchess ’as -just come, and it’ll look so funny if I’m not there to receive her.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Mr. Holland has a communication to make which cannot fail to interest -you.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, of course, if it’s your Royal ’Ighness’s wish.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>I daresay you remember that a fortnight ago we all met at the Grand -Babylon Hotel.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>How could I forget, when that was the auspicious occasion of my -introduction to his Royal ’Ighness.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Ambrose.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>You may remember, also, that Mr. and Mrs. Abbott were sitting with us in -the lounge.<a name="page_98" id="page_98"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>I ’ave other things to do than to remember where Mr. and Mrs. Abbott -were sitting.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>I daresay you’ve forgotten that you behaved very cruelly to her. We were -all very indignant. We thought it necessary to punish you.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Really, Mr. Holland, I don’t know who you think you’re talking to.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>I find it very difficult to say what I have to—I realise now that the -whole business has been preposterously silly—I can manage far better if -you don’t interrupt.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Please let him go on, Mrs. Jennings.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Of, of course, if your Royal ’Ighness wishes it I ’ave no more to say.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>It struck me that it would be amusing to pass off a nobody as a person -of great consequence. I had just recognised one of the waiters as an old -friend of mine. I introduced him to you as the Archduke Sebastian of -Pomerania.<a name="page_99" id="page_99"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>What! Then ...?</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<i>She is at a loss for words.</i> <span class="smcap">Serlo</span> <i>goes into a shout of -laughter</i>.</p></div> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="1" cellspacing="1" summary="" -style="margin-left:4%;"> - -<tr><td><p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>What a sell! By George, what -a sell!</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Going up to</i> <span class="smcap">Jack Straw</span>.] Do -you mean to say you’re not....</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>I thought I knew his face the -moment I saw him.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Speak, man, speak.</p></td> -<td valign="middle" class="bl">—</td> -<td valign="middle"><p class="c"><i>These four</i><br /> -<i>speeches are said</i><br /> -<i>very quickly,</i><br /> -<i>almost</i><br /> -<i>simultaneously.</i></p></td></tr> - -</table> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>With the greatest urbanity.</i>] Madam, I stepped out of the uniform of a -waiter at the Grand Babylon Hotel into the sober garb of the person you -now see before you.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Then you’re nothing short of an impostor. Oh! Oh! Now, then, Jennings, -you’re a man. Do something.<a name="page_100" id="page_100"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>And he’s been lappin’ up my best champagne lunch and dinner for a week.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, damn your champagne.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>Mater!</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, you fool, you fool! You’ve ’ad the education. You’ve been to Oxford, -and we gave you four thousand a year. Didn’t you learn enough to tell -the difference between an archduke and a waiter?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>Serlo didn’t spot him.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Who’s Serlo? Fine marquess he is—spends all his time with stable boys -and barmaids. How do I know he is a marquess?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>Don’t mind me, will you?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Is there no one who can do something? And that man stands there as if he -didn’t care a ball of worsted. Don’t you be too sure, my young friend. -It’s your Royal ’Ighness this, and your Royal ’Ighness that. And we<a name="page_101" id="page_101"></a> had -to call you sir. Waiter, ’alf a pint of bitter, and look sharp about it.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>Mother!</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, don’t talk to me. [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Jack Straw</span>.] Well, what have you got to say?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>My dear lady, you’re so voluble, it would be difficult for me to get a -word in edgeways.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Well, I’m listening.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Ah, there you have me, for in point of fact I can think of no -appropriate observation.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>And you’ve been laughing at me all the time, ’ave you? Well, you’re -going to laugh on the other side of your face now, young feller-my-lad.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I shall be interested to see how one performs that very curious -operation.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Well, shall I tell you who’ll show you?<a name="page_102" id="page_102"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Yes, do.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>The police, my lad, the police.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I wouldn’t send for them if I were you.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Wouldn’t you?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I wouldn’t really.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Well, I would.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Don’t you think it’ll be a little awkward with all these people here?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>We can’t have a scene now, mater.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>D’you mean to say I’ve got to sit still and lump it?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>If you ask my advice, that is what I should recommend.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>All the county’s here, Maria. <i>Crème de la crème.</i><a name="page_103" id="page_103"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, I wish they were all dead. I know why they come here. D’you think I -don’t know that they call me a vulgar old woman behind my back? But they -come all the same because I’ve got two millions of money. I’m so rich -that they can’t ’elp coming.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>You know, I don’t want to seem stuck up, but in point of fact they’ve -come to-day to meet me. Don’t you think I’d better go and make myself -amiable to them?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>You don’t mean to say you’re going back to them?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Why not?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>’Ave I got to introduce you to the duchess?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I’m afraid she’ll make a point of it. Even duchesses have a weakness for -royal personages.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>If she ever finds out!</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>The situation is not without an element of humour.<a name="page_104" id="page_104"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Well, upon my soul, you ’ave got a cheek!</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>The motto on my coat of arms is audacity. Only we put it in Latin -because it sounds better.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>Your coat of arms, I like that.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>My dear fellow, I have no doubt it is as authentic as yours.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>And do you mean to say I’ve got to pretend I don’t know anything?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I think it’s the only thing to do.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>I can never do it. I shall never ’old up my ’ead again.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Come. I am convinced that the duchess is growing restive. I will murmur -a few soft nothings in her ear.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, well, I suppose the only thing is to risk it. But you just wait, -young man, you wait.<a name="page_105" id="page_105"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I think I can promise you that no one here will—blow the gaff.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Upon my soul, you talk as if I was the criminal.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<i>She starts and stops suddenly with a cry.</i></p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>What’s the matter?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, it give me such a turn. What’s to be done now? The Count.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>How d’you mean?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>I’d forgotten all about him. Count von Bremer coming.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Who the deuce is he?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>He’s your ambassador.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Of course, how stupid of me!</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>With a little scornful smile.</i>] But he won’t come.<a name="page_106" id="page_106"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Don’t you make too sure about that. He’s coming right enough. The -British aristocracy was quite willing to ’ob-nob with the -Parker-Jennings, but this duty foreigner wouldn’t be seen in the same -street with us. And you all sniggered up your sleeves, because you -thought you was getting a bit of your own back. But I’ve got ’im to-day, -and I was going to fling him in your faces. I wrote ’im a personal -letter—as if I’d known him all my life—and said....</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Well?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>And said ’is Royal ’Ighness particularly wished him to come. I sent the -letter by one of the footmen this morning.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>By Jove!</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Well, they mustn’t meet. You must say that the Archduke has been seized -with sudden indisposition.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Every one knows he was quite well half an hour ago.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Besides, Count von Bremer would probably insist on seeing him. It must -have come as a great surprise that the Archduke Sebastian had turned -up.<a name="page_107" id="page_107"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>My dear people, don’t put yourselves out. If Count von Bremer has come -here to see me, it would be manifestly most discourteous to rob him of -that pleasure.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>I think you’re quite mad, Jack.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Unless I’m greatly mistaken, Count von Bremer has excessively bad sight.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>You don’t mean to say you’re going to meet ’im face to face?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Remember that there are eighty-one Archdukes in Pomerania.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>You told me seventy-nine a little while ago.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I have since seen in the paper that the Archduchess Anastasia has had -twins, which makes eighty-one. What more probable than that the -Ambassador has never seen the Archduke Sebastian?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, but what a risk to take. It’s enough to turn my false ’air grey.<a name="page_108" id="page_108"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>In any case, he can’t have set eyes on him for four years, because -nobody has.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>I suppose it ’asn’t struck you that he may talk to you in Pomeranian.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Have you ever met a waiter who couldn’t discourse fluently in seven -languages at least?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Does that mean you can talk the Count’s beastly language?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Like a beastly native, madam. But I may suggest to you that there will -be no need, since if I address the Count in English it would be the -height of discourtesy for him to answer in any other tongue.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Well, of all the cheek I’ve ever come across in my life, you just about -take the cake.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>But look here, I remember seeing the Archduke described as a very -handsome man.<a name="page_109" id="page_109"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Spare my blushes, dear friend. We are as like as two peas.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Withers</span> <i>comes in</i>.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Withers.</span></p> - -<p>Maria, the Count is looking for you everywhere. [<i>Seeing</i> <span class="smcap">Jack Straw</span>.] -Oh, I beg your pardon, sir.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Not at all.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Withers.</span></p> - -<p>He’s just coming along with Mr. Withers.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>In an aside to</i> <span class="smcap">Jack Straw</span>.] Try and behave like a gentleman.</p> - -<p><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Count Adrian von Bremer</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Withers</span>.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>My dear Count!</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Count.</span></p> - -<p>This is a welcome surprise, sir.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>You know my hostess?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Count.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Shaking hands with</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings</span>.] How do you do?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>It is many years since we met.<a name="page_110" id="page_110"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Count.</span></p> - -<p>I should have never recognised you, sir.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I expect I had a moustache when you last saw me.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Count.</span></p> - -<p>That changes a face so much. And then I am so blind nowadays.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I daresay you have later news of the Emperor than I.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Count.</span></p> - -<p>It will be a great pleasure to His Majesty to know that you are in -England, sir. I have ventured to telegraph to him.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Have you, by Jove!</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Count.</span></p> - -<p>It was my duty to do so.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I daresay you have several things you want to talk to me about?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Count.</span></p> - -<p>I was hoping you would give me a few minutes conversation.<a name="page_111" id="page_111"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings</span>.] Will you forgive us if we take a little -stroll in the rose garden?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Grimly.</i>] I am much honoured, sir, that your Royal Highness should -condescend to walk in my rose garden.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Come. [<i>He takes the</i> <span class="smcap">Count’s</span> <i>arm</i>. <i>At the door the <span class="smcap">Count</span> hesitates</i>.] -[<i>Motioning to him to go first.</i>] No, I pray you. I am at home here—the -most comfortable, hospitable home I have known for many a long day.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Count.</span></p> - -<p>Do you propose to stay in these parts much longer, sir?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I shall stay till Mrs. Parker-Jennings turns me out.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>You do us a great honour, sir. [<i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Count</span> <i>goes out. Just as he is -going</i> <span class="smcap">Jack Straw</span> <i>turns round and gives</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings</span> <i>an -elaborate wink</i>.] [<i>Furiously.</i>] You, you, you, you, damned waiter!</p> - -<p class="c"> <br />END OF THE SECOND ACT.<a name="page_112" id="page_112"></a></p> - -<h2><a name="THE_THIRD_ACT" id="THE_THIRD_ACT"></a>THE THIRD ACT</h2> - -<p><i>The</i> <b>Scene</b> <i>is the same as in the preceding</i> <span class="smcap">Act</span>.</p> - -<p><i>Next morning.</i></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Vincent</span> <i>are discovered</i>.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>Where’s the governor?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>He’s ’aving an interview with the waiter.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>I hope he’ll give him what for.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>You trust your father for that. Oh, I thought I should never get through -last night. Eighteen people to dinner, and me on pins and needles the -whole time.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>There’s a ripping long account of the Garden Party in the <i>Cheshire -Times</i>.<a name="page_113" id="page_113"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Do you think I’ve not seen it?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>It went off beautifully; no one can deny that. There wasn’t a hitch.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>With a little cry of rage.</i>] Oh!</p> - -<p><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. Parker-Jennings</span>.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Well?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Apologetically.</i>] My dear.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Indignantly.</i>] You’ve been and gone and made another old fool of -yourself, Jennings.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>With a deprecating laugh.</i>] I’m afraid it’s the same old fool as -usual, Maria.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Don’t make jokes at me, Robert. Keep them for your City friends.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>He’s had breakfast.<a name="page_114" id="page_114"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>’As he indeed. At ’alf-past eleven. He’s not putting himself out, is he?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>When’s he going, father?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>It isn’t a question of when he’s going. Your father went to him and said -he was to clear out before twelve o’clock or we’d send for the police, -come what might. That’s what you told him, Robert, isn’t it?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Well, my dear....</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>You always were a fool, Jennings. What have you done now?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Well, my dear, he insisted on having one of the footmen in the room. He -said he didn’t like this English habit of ours of having no servants at -the breakfast-table.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>You don’t mean to say you let him order my servants about?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>My dear, what could I do? There was one of them in the room at the -time.<a name="page_115" id="page_115"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>And you sat by while he ate his breakfast?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>He has a very healthy appetite, Maria.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Don’t talk to me. You must ’ave ’ad some opportunity to give him a piece -of your mind.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Well, my dear, we were left alone for a minute.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Well?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Helplessly.</i>] He was so affable that....</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Affable! Oh, you blithering fool. Wait till I get a word with him.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Well, my dear, why didn’t you get rid of him last night?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>How could I get rid of ’im last night, with eighteen people come to -dinner to meet ’im?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>What about Lady Wanley?<a name="page_116" id="page_116"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, I never want to set eyes on her again. I know she was at the bottom -of this.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>But I thought you’d sent for her.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>So I ’ave, and for Holland too. They got us into the mess, and they must -get us out of it. It’s just as bad for them as for us now. That’s one -comfort.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw</span> <i>comes in, in flannels, looking very cool and -comfortable</i>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Hulloa, there you are! I was just hunting around for some one to give me -a cigarette.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Ironically.</i>] I ’ope you ’ad a comfortable breakfast.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>A 1, thanks. Give me a cigarette, old man?</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<span class="smcap">Vincent</span> <i>is helping himself to one, and</i> <span class="smcap">Jack Straw</span> <i>takes the -case out of his hand, helps himself, and returns it</i>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>Don’t mind me, will you?<a name="page_117" id="page_117"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Not at all.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Aggressively.</i>] Well?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Jolly party you gave yesterday, Mrs. Jennings. It was a great success, -wasn’t it? [<i>Turning to</i> <span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings</span>.] By the way, what was that -port we drank last night?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>No, you don’t, my friend. You may be able to bluff Jennings, but you -don’t bluff me.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Bluff? Bluff? I flatter myself on my knowledge of English, but I don’t -think I’ve ever come across that word.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Haven’t you? Perhaps you ’aven’t come across the word skilly either? -But, unless you look out, you’ll know what it is before you want to.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>You talk in riddles, dear lady. I always think it a fatiguing habit.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, I’ll make myself clear. Don’t you ’ave any fear about that.<a name="page_118" id="page_118"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Sitting down lazily.</i>] I can’t help feeling the interval between -breakfast and luncheon in a country house is one of the most agreeable -moments of the day.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>See that there’s no one about, Vincent.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>It’s all right, mater.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Looking at him blandly.</i>] You have all the airs of a conspirator in a -romantic play, my friend. You only want a false beard and some blue -spectacles to make the picture perfect.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Now then, you listen to me, young man.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>You flatter me, madam.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>We’ve talked it over, my ’usband and me, and we’re no fools, whatever -you may think. You richly deserve to be ’anded over to the police.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>One moment. To which character are you now addressing yourself, to the -Archduke Sebastian or the waiter from the Grand Babylon Hotel?<a name="page_119" id="page_119"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, if you don’t take care, I’ll give you such a box on the ears.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>You certainly wouldn’t do that to a royal personage, would you? You must -be concerned for the moment with Jack Straw.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>It may surprise you, but I ’ave been for the last ’alf hour.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I thought your manner had been a little abrupt.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>I was saying that you richly deserved to be ’anded over to the police.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>There may be two opinions on that question, but we will let it pass.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>But we don’t want a scandal.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>One has to be so careful in the smart set, doesn’t one?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>And we’re willing to let you go. Your luggage shall be packed, the motor -shall take you to the station.<a name="page_120" id="page_120"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>Mother, we shall all have to see him off, or it’ll look so fishy.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, we’ll see him off. Anything to get rid of ’im safely. There’s a -train in an hour from now. And I ’ave only one piece of advice to you, -and that is, take the chance while you’ve got it.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>It’s very kind of you, but I’m extremely comfortable here.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>You make me laugh.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I always think it hard that it should be so difficult to make people do -that when you’re trying to be funny, and so easy when you’re trying to -be serious.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>You don’t want me to tell my footman to take you by the scruff of the -neck, and....</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>My dear lady, let us keep perfectly calm. It would become neither of us -to lose our tempers.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Do you mean to say you won’t go?<a name="page_121" id="page_121"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>You put it in such a brutal way. Let us say rather, that I cannot tear -myself away from your hospitable roof.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Ha, and how long do you propose to give us the honour of your company?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Well, I really haven’t quite made up my mind. I’m proposing to await -developments.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Send for the police, Robert. I won’t put up with it.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>You know, mother....</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Hold your tongue, Vincent.... [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Jack Straw</span>.] Oh, my friend, I’m -sorry for you. Those nice white ’ands of yours will look pretty after -they’ve been picking oakum for six months.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I had an idea that had been abolished in England.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Oh no, I think not.<a name="page_122" id="page_122"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Ah, perhaps it was the treadmill I was thinking of.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Well, Vincent, ’ow much longer are you going to stand there like a -stuffed owl?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Do my eyes deceive me, or is that a local paper that I see? [<i>He takes -it up.</i>] Ah, I surmised that it would have an account of your garden -party. Two columns of it, by Jove! You must wish you hadn’t asked so -many people. [<i>Reading.</i>] The Duchess of St. Erth, the Marchioness of -Mereston, the Marquess of Mereston, Lord and Lady Hollington, Viscount -Parnaby—dear me, how smart—Lady Wanley, Mr. and Mrs. Lamberville, the -Bishop of Sheffield, and the Honourable Mrs. Spratte.... I say, won’t -your humbler friends grind their teeth with envy. But doesn’t it say -anything about me? Here it is. [<i>Reading.</i>] “The Archduke Sebastian -looked every inch a prince.” I said so. [<i>Reading to himself.</i>] Oh, -spare my blushes. [<i>Aloud.</i>] “His Royal Highness enchanted every one by -the grace of his bearing and the charm of his Imperial personality.” -Blood will tell.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings</span>.] Are you going to stand there and let this man -insult me, Robert?<a name="page_123" id="page_123"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Blandly.</i>] And what do you imagine all these noble and distinguished -persons will think when they read in the next number of the local paper -that the royal personage whose hand they were so pleased to shake—I did -my duty like a hero, didn’t I?—was serving coffee and liqueurs a -fortnight ago in the Grand Babylon Hotel?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, be quiet, you....</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I can hear a titter rising softly in the village, with the doctor and -the parson and the solicitor, whom you didn’t ask to your party, and I -can hear it increase to a ripple of laughter as the story spreads -through Cheshire. I can hear a Homeric peal as it travels from county to -county. It’s a great guffaw in Manchester and Liverpool and the cities -of the North, and already I hear the deep laughter of Bristol and -Portsmouth and the West. And when it reaches London—you know how things -go in London, it’s so large that it takes it a little time really to get -hold of anything, but when at last it comes, can’t you see the huge city -holding its aching sides and bellowing with laughter. But I’ll tell you -who won’t see the joke—[<i>taking up the paper and reading</i>]—oh, they’ll -laugh very much on the wrong side of their mouths; the Duchess of St. -Erth, the Marchioness of Mereston, and my Lady Hollington and my Lord -Parnaby, and the Bishop of Sheffield and the Honourable Mrs. Spratte.<a name="page_124" id="page_124"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, you devil!</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I can see you flying before the laughter like three tremulous leaves -before the wind, and the laughter will pursue you to Paris, where -they’ll make little songs about you on the boulevards, and the Riviera, -where they’ll sell your photographs on picture postcards. I can see you -fleeing across the Atlantic to hide your heads in the immensity of -America, and there the Yellow Press, pea-green with frenzy, will pile -column of ridicule upon column of invective. Oh, my dear lady, do you -think it isn’t worth while to endure six months hard labour to amuse the -world so profoundly?</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<i>There is a silence.</i> <span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings</span> <i>takes out his handkerchief, -makes it into a ball and mops his forehead</i>. <span class="smcap">Vincent</span>, <i>noticing -him, does the same</i>. <span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings</span> <i>gives the two a glance, -sees what they are doing, takes out her handkerchief, rolls it up -into a ball, and slowly mops her forehead</i>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>It’s no good, Maria; we can’t give him in charge.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Tell me something I don’t know. We’re in the man’s hands, and he knows -it.<a name="page_125" id="page_125"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>With an amiable smile.</i>] I thought you would come to see the situation -from my point of view.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Beaten.</i>] What are you going to do?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>At the present moment, with your permission, I am going to have a small -brandy and soda. Ring the bell, Vincent.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>Shall I, ma?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>With angry resignation.</i>] Oh, yes, ring it.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>For your own sake, I warn you to behave with the utmost decorum before -the servant.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<i>A</i> <span class="smcap">Footman</span> <i>appears</i>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Bring his Royal Highness a brandy and soda, James.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Servant.</span></p> - -<p>Very good, sir.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<i>Exit.</i></p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, I wish it would choke you.<a name="page_126" id="page_126"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I’m afraid I can hold out no hope of that.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Now, look here, I’m no fool, Mr. —— I don’t know what to call you....</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>You’ll find it’ll be more convenient to address me as you have always -done.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>The cheek of it! I can see myself saying sir to a damned waiter.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>You were assuring me that you were no fool madam.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>You know just as well as we do that the last thing we want is a scandal, -and you’ve got us on toast.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Well browned on both sides.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>If you’ll go quietly and at once we’ll give you a couple of hundred -pounds. There!</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, this is a blow. To think that any one should be willing to give two -hundred pounds to get rid of<a name="page_127" id="page_127"></a> me! And I’ve always flattered myself that -I was such an agreeable guest in a country house.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>They have funny tastes in the servants’ hall, I daresay.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>You have quite a knack of saying clever things, haven’t you?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Well?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Madam, nothing will induce me to leave you till I have eradicated the -unfortunate impression which I appear to have made on you.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Do you mean to say....</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Interrupting.</i>] Take care, mother. There’s James.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Footman</span> <i>enters with brandy and soda and glasses</i>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Be a good fellow, Vincent, and mix it for me, will you?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>Certainly, sir.<a name="page_128" id="page_128"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Where do you get your brandy, Mr. Jennings? I like it very much.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>It’s very good of your Royal Highness to say so.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Footman</span>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, it’s insufferable.</p> - -<p><i>Enter the</i> <span class="smcap">Footman</span> <i>to announce</i>.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Footman.</span></p> - -<p>Lady Wanley. Mr. Holland.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<i>They enter. Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Footman</span>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>There you are at last! This is a pretty kettle of fish.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>Mother, for heaven’s sake don’t be vulgar.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, I can’t be refined now. If I’m vulgar, I can’t ’elp it.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>But what is the matter?<a name="page_129" id="page_129"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Good heavens, he’s the matter. He won’t go.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>What!</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>You know, it makes me feel very uncomfortable to hear you discussing me -like this. Wouldn’t you like me to retire?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>We’ve threatened him with the police.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Well?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>He just laughs at us.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>We’ve even demeaned ourselves by offering him money.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Of course he doesn’t want your money.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Well, ’adn’t you better suggest what he does want?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Look here, Jack, you’ve made fools of the whole lot of us. Won’t you be -a brick and clear out? We really are in a deuce of a scrape.<a name="page_130" id="page_130"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I am always touched by an appeal to my better nature, but in this case I -propose to steel myself against your entreaties.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Damn you!</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Don’t lose your temper. You’ll only say something foolish, and I shall -score off you.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>There’s only one thing to do, and that is to turn you out by main force.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>That, strange as it may seem to you, has already been suggested, but I -have explained to dear Mrs. Jennings the inconvenience of that course.</p> - -<p><i>Enter the</i> <span class="smcap">Footman</span>.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Footman.</span></p> - -<p>Mrs. Withers is in her motor, madam, and wishes to know if you can see -her for a moment.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, I can see nobody.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I hope you’re not refusing to see her on my account, dear Mrs. -Jennings.<a name="page_131" id="page_131"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Very affably, before the servant.</i>] Oh no, sir.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I wonder if you’d very much mind her coming in. I thought her such a -nice woman, I should like to see her again.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, of course, if your Royal Highness wishes it....</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Thanks so much.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Show ’er in, James.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Footman.</span></p> - -<p>Very good, madam.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Footman</span>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>My own ’ouse isn’t my own now. I’m forced to see every one I don’t want -to. If there’s any one I can’t bear it’s Fanny Withers. I only asked her -yesterday because I thought she’d eat her ’eart out with jealousy. She’s -a snob if you like. I don’t know what she wants to come here for at this -hour. [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Jack Straw</span>.] Impostor! Impostor!</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>You know, upon my word you’re all very ungrateful. I lent an <i>éclat</i> to -your party which has found lasting<a name="page_132" id="page_132"></a> fame in the columns of the local -paper. I chatted cordially with the Duchess of St. Erth, I allowed the -Bishop of Sheffield to tell me harrowing stories about the immorality of -the very best people, and when Count what’s his name....</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Adrian von Bremer—you might trouble to remember the name of your own -Ambassador.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>And when Count von Bremer came on the scene, and you were all at your -wits’ end, I carried the whole thing off in a way which only my native -modesty prevents me from describing as superb.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>How he didn’t find you out I don’t know. I was on pins and needles all -the time he was here.</p> - -<p><i>Enter the</i> <span class="smcap">Footman</span>, <i>followed by</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Withers</span>.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Footman.</span></p> - -<p>Mrs. Horton Withers.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<i>Exit.</i></p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Withers.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, my dear, I had to pop in just to tell you how beautifully everything -went off yesterday.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>I’m glad our party had your approval.<a name="page_133" id="page_133"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>How do you do, Mrs. Withers?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Withers.</span></p> - -<p>It’s very good of your Royal Highness to remember me.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>It’s one of the specialities of my profession, you know.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Withers.</span></p> - -<p>Are you going to favour us much longer with your presence in the -neighbourhood, sir?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>If Mrs. Jennings will keep me I don’t propose to make an immediate move.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>My house is at your disposal, sir, as long as you choose to honour it.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Mrs. Jennings is the most amiable hostess. Don’t you think it would be -nice if we took a turn in the garden, Mrs. Jennings? I’m sure Lady -Wanley would like you to show her your roses.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Mrs. Jennings was good enough to show them to us yesterday.<a name="page_134" id="page_134"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>We have it on good authority that a thing of beauty is a joy for ever. -Mr. Jennings will show them to you again to-day.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>I shall be very proud and ’appy to carry out your Royal Highness’s -wishes.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<span class="smcap">Jack Straw</span> <i>stands at the door for</i> <span class="smcap">Lady Wanley</span> <i>and</i> -<span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings</span> <i>to go out</i>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Vincent</span>.] Won’t you come?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>Certainly, sir.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<span class="smcap">Mrs. Withers</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Vincent</span> <i>go out</i>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I will join you in one moment. By the way, where is your daughter?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>She’s gone for a walk with Lord Serlo.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Be so good as to tell her the moment she comes in that I should be very -grateful if I could see her.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>What about?<a name="page_135" id="page_135"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>She’ll doubtless be able to tell you that herself after our interview.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>I’m not going to do anything of the kind.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>You will be so good as to do what I ask, Mrs. Jennings.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<i>Exit.</i></p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>There, you see he actually orders me about now. I’m beginning to think -we shall never get rid of him. I feel that he’ll stay on here always. I -can see him growing old under this roof, eating my food and drinking my -wine, and sending in his tailor’s bills for Jennings to pay. And it’s -all your doing.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>I’m very sorry. I promise you that.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>What’s the good of being sorry? The only thing you can do is to ’elp us -to get rid of ’im. And it’s ruined Ethel’s chances with Serlo. He won’t -look at her now.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Well, I daresay that’s not much loss.<a name="page_136" id="page_136"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>I’m only thankful she wouldn’t ’ave anything to do with that man when we -thought ’e was an Archduke.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Do you know, if I were you I’d let her see him. I have an idea that when -he’s had a talk with her he’ll be quite willing to go.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>What do you mean by that?</p> - -<p><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Ethel</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lord Serlo</span>.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Very affably.</i>] Has Ethel been taking you for a walk, dear Lord Serlo?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>Yes, we’ve been for a little stroll, don’t you know.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>I do ’ope she ’asn’t tired you. She’s such a walker, ain’t you, my dear?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>My idea of goin’ for a walk is sitting on a gate, don’t you know.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>And a very good idea too. That’s just what I like myself.<a name="page_137" id="page_137"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Drily.</i>] Change in the wind to-day, isn’t there?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Innocently.</i>] Is there? I didn’t notice it.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings</span> <i>comes in frantically</i>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Maria, he’s cutting all our prize roses for the show and giving them to -Fannie Withers.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Oh!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<i>She is just going to bolt out when</i> <span class="smcap">Jack Straw</span> <i>appears with a -handful of magnificent roses</i>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I say, you haven’t got a basket, have you?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>You—you—you perfect fool!</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>What have I done now?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>We were going to show those next week at the Crystal Palace.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I thought they were very nice. That’s why it struck me Mrs. Withers -might like them.<a name="page_138" id="page_138"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Snatching them from him.</i>] Oh!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<i>She flounces out, followed by</i> <span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings</span>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Coming into the room calmly.</i>] I’m afraid I haven’t done the right -thing.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>You’ve put your foot right in it this time, old man.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I wish I had that little book of etiquette on me. I wonder if it says -anything about prize roses. [<i>To Ethel.</i>] I haven’t had the pleasure of -saying good-morning to you yet.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>You know, old man, I don’t want to seem disagreeable, but when Miss -Jennings and I went for a walk we had some sort of idea that by the time -we came back you’d have hooked it, don’t you know.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>My dear Holland, I wonder if you’d do me the service of telling Mrs. -Withers that dear Mrs. Jennings is putting the roses into a basket for -her.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Laughing against his will.</i>] It’s not the least use being angry with -you, Jack. I’ll go by all means.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<i>Exit.</i></p></div> - -<p><a name="page_139" id="page_139"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>There goes a man of tact. If I were a Sultan I’d make him my Grand -Vizier.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<i>He looks reflectively, but very pointedly, at</i> <span class="smcap">Serlo</span>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>What are you starin’ at me for?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I was wondering how I could suggest to you with proper delicacy that you -might conveniently follow his example.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>I should much prefer Lord Serlo to stay here.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I have matters of some importance to discuss with you.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>I am sure that you have nothing to say that Lord Serlo cannot hear.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Very well, I will make an effort to overcome my customary modesty.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>I don’t know where that comes in. You’ve got about the biggest cheek -that I’ve ever come across.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>To tell you the truth, it has been my only means of livelihood for the -last four years.<a name="page_140" id="page_140"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>What have you to say to me?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Couldn’t you give me a slight smile just to encourage me a little?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>You force me to say what I would rather have left unsaid. I’m horrified -that you should be so hatefully cruel. I think it’s infamous that you -should lend yourself to a stupid practical joke.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>My dear Serlo, won’t you—hook it?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>I want him to stay.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>It makes him feel very uncomfortable. He’s full of tact too—I’ll make -him a grand vizier—and he’s feeling awfully <i>de trop</i>.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>You needn’t bother about my feelings so much as all that, you know.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>To Ethel.</i>] Won’t you hear what I’ve got to say for myself? You don’t -think I care twopence about their practical joke? I came here because it -was my only chance of seeing you.<a name="page_141" id="page_141"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>What you’ve done fills me with horror and disgust.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Didn’t you see from the first minute that I was desperately in love with -you?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>I say, this really is very awkward for me.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>You told me not to bother about your feelings.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Unable to prevent a laugh.</i>] You know, you’re too absurd. I know I -ought to be very angry with you, but I can’t.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Do you remember what you said to me yesterday?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>No.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Then I’ll remind you. You asked me to go away—because I was a royal -personage. Do you still want me to go if I’m only a waiter?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>I might have known that you were laughing at me all the time.<a name="page_142" id="page_142"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>You know, if I had been a royal personage and disguised myself as a -waiter in order to be by your side you’d have thought it very romantic. -Why should it shock you when it is a waiter who for the same reason -assumes the royal personage?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>If you can’t see the difference it’s useless for me to tell you.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Won’t you marry me, Ethel?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>I say, I’ve got a good mind to kick you out of the house.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Have you? In that case I can only congratulate myself that I’m the -champion amateur boxer in Pomerania.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>That complicates matters a bit, don’t it?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Upon my soul, I’ve never made a proposal of marriage under such -embarrassing circumstances. [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Ethel</span>.] Now, my dear, don’t be -unreasonable. You practically refused me yesterday because I was an -Archduke. You’re not going to refuse me now because I’m nobody in -particular?<a name="page_143" id="page_143"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Frigidly.</i>] And can you give me any reason why I should accept you?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Well, it may have escaped your notice, but there’s the very good reason -that you’re just as much in love with me as I am with you.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>I?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Can you honestly deny it? But if you do I shall venture to disbelieve -you.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>It’s very easy to convince you. Lord Serlo, you were good enough to tell -me yesterday that....</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<i>She stops with a little tremor of hesitation.</i></p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>By Jove, d’you mean it?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Smiling.</i>] I mean anything you like.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>With a low bow.</i>] Mr. Straw, I beg to announce to you my engagement -with Miss Ethel Parker-Jennings.<a name="page_144" id="page_144"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I’m still unconvinced. I’m afraid you’re incorrigibly romantic, my dear, -and I’m certain your mamma will be very much annoyed.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, you are too exasperating. I wish I could make you really angry.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland</span> <i>runs in</i>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>I say, Jack, look out.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>What’s the matter?</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings</span>, <i>much agitated, and</i> <span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings</span>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>The game’s up. It’s too late now to do anything.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Von Bremer has come again.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>And he’s got some one with him in his motor, who looks suspiciously like -a policeman in plain clothes.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>What’s to be done? For ’eaven’s sake, don’t stand there grinning like a -Cheshire cat.<a name="page_145" id="page_145"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Quickly.</i>] You won’t be arrested?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>Look here, there’s still time for you to get out.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Vincent</span>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Well?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>Lady Wanley’s talking to him. She’ll detain him as long as she can.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Blessings on her! I’ll forgive ’er everything.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, please go while you have a chance. I couldn’t bear to see you -arrested.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Why should you care?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Now, look here. You’ve played a nasty trick on me, but you’ve got the -cheek of the devil. I don’t want you to get into trouble. I don’t know -what there is about you, but I can’t ’elp liking you.<a name="page_146" id="page_146"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Madam, only the importunate presence of your lord and master prevents me -from hurling myself at your feet.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, don’t talk stuff. I want to ’elp you to get away.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>With a dramatic gesture.</i>] Madam, my mother’s only son has never fled -before a foe. I will stay and face the music.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>I’m not thinking of myself now. If there is a scandal I’m rich enough to -make people forget it.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>I say, old man, you’d better hook it. England’s no place for you just -now.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>In an undertone.</i>] If you care for me at all, don’t run this horrible -risk.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>If you were only pressing me to stay this unanimity would be extremely -flattering.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>The man’s mad. The man’s as mad as a March ’are. He ought to be shut up -in a lunatic asylum.<a name="page_147" id="page_147"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I forget if Napoleon was one of my ancestors, but I feel just like him -at this moment. “J’y suis, j’y reste.”</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>In point of fact it was MacMahon who said that.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>With a noble flourish.</i>] I prefer to think it was Napoleon.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>They’re just strolling along.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Then it’s too late. And it’s all got to come out before Florrie Withers.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Vincent.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>From the window.</i>] I say, Lady Wanley is making him look at the roses.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>She is a brick; she’s gaining every moment she can.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>By the way, talking about roses, have you had that bunch put in a basket -that I cut for Mrs. Withers?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, I should like to take you by the neck and strangle you.<a name="page_148" id="page_148"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Look out.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<i>They all stop for a moment in a state of breathless expectation.</i> -<span class="smcap">Lady Wanley</span> <i>comes in with</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Withers</span>. <i>She gasps as she sees</i> -<span class="smcap">Jack Straw</span>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, I thought you’d gone.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<i>She is immediately followed by</i> <span class="smcap">Adrian von Bremer</span>. <span class="smcap">Jack Straw</span> -<i>goes up to him very cordially</i>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Ah, my dear friend, I’ve been expecting you all the morning.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<i>They all start. As the scene proceeds there is in every one -increasing astonishment and perplexity.</i></p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Von Bremer.</span></p> - -<p>I couldn’t come before. I have only just received the answer to my -telegram.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Have you good news for me?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Von Bremer.</span></p> - -<p>The best. The Emperor agrees to all your wishes.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Bless his old head.<a name="page_149" id="page_149"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Von Bremer.</span></p> - -<p>His Majesty is all eagerness to see you again. He is expecting a letter -from you by every post. [<i>He goes up to</i> <span class="smcap">Ethel</span>.] Madam, I am commanded -by my august master to offer you his most cordial greeting.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>Me?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>I don’t know if I’m standing on my ’ead or my ’eels.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Then nothing remains but for me to make my declaration in due form. Mrs. -Jennings, I have my grandfather’s permission to ask you for your -daughter’s hand in marriage.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Breaking out.</i>] But the man’s an impostor. He’s no more the Archduke -Sebastian than I am.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Withers.</span></p> - -<p>What do you mean?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, well, if you like you can ’ave it. You were there when it all -started. I suppose I got out the wrong side of bed that morning, and -when Mrs. Thing-a-magig, the Vicar’s wife, come up to me at the Grand -Babylon Hotel, I snubbed her. I’ve been very sorry for it since, and -I’ve been punished for it. They knew I was an old snob—like you, -Florrie—they<a name="page_150" id="page_150"></a> thought they’d pay me out. They got one of the waiters -from the ’otel to dress up like a gentleman, and they introduced him as -the Archduke Sebastian.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Withers.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Pointing to</i> <span class="smcap">Jack Straw</span>.] That?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Yes, that! He’s a waiter, that’s what he is. And for the last week I’ve -been making a perfect fool of myself over ’im.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Von Bremer.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Much mystified.</i>] But—I don’t understand. I’ve known the Archduke -Sebastian since he was born.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>You’re mistaken. This person and I were in America together. I lived -with him for two years. I don’t know his real name, but he passes under -that of Jack Straw.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Von Bremer.</span></p> - -<p>But what you say is absurd. I know him as well as my own son.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>D’you mean to say he really is an Archduke?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Von Bremer.</span></p> - -<p>Of course he is. The only mystery is how he turned up here when we’ve -been hunting the whole world for the last four years to find him.<a name="page_151" id="page_151"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Holland.</span></p> - -<p>But are you the Jack Straw who was with me in the States?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Yes.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Lady Wanley.</span></p> - -<p>And are you the waiter of the Grand Babylon Hotel?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Yes.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>And are you the Archduke Sebastian of Pomerania?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Yes.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>Well, I’m jiggered.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Perhaps you will allow me to explain. Four years ago I fell desperately -in love with a lady whose speciality it was to kick higher than any one -else in the world. She could kick a man’s tall hat off his head with -such grace that I asked her to marry me. My grandfather refused to -consent, and the lady was hurried over the frontier. [<i>With a glance at</i> -<span class="smcap">Ethel</span>.] I was a romantic dog myself in those days, and I followed her, -only to find that she had already three more or less lawful husbands. -The sight of them, and the conviction that her peculiar talent would not -greatly add to the felicity of domestic life, cured me of my passion. -But the world did seem a bit hollow and empty, and I<a name="page_152" id="page_152"></a> thought I’d see -how it looked from the point of view of a man who had nothing but his -wits to live on. After trying it, I tell you frankly that I much prefer -living on the revenues which rise from the strength of arm of my -ancestors. When you saw me at the Grand Babylon Hotel I was preparing to -return to the bosom of my family, but I saw this young lady, and the -chance offering, decided to come down here. It was not unnatural that -when I was asked to assume a grandiloquent name I should assume my own. -Yesterday, when I met Count von Bremer, I begged him to wire to the -Emperor, asking for his consent to my marriage with Miss Ethel Jennings.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Von Bremer.</span></p> - -<p>I have only to add that the Emperor, delighted with the prospect of -seeing once more his favourite grandson, has gladly given his consent.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>And when I think of all the things I’ve called you these last few -hours....</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>They went in at the ear of a waiter, Madam, and slipped out at that of -an Archduke.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p class="rt">[<i>He goes up to</i> <span class="smcap">Ethel</span>.</p></div> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>And now it only rests with you to give peace to an aged Emperor, -satisfaction to eighty-one Archdukes, and happiness to your unworthy -servant.<a name="page_153" id="page_153"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>I am engaged to be married to Lord Serlo.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>What! I know nothing about this.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>I knew our mamma wouldn’t be pleased.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>The fact remains.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>Going to</i> <span class="smcap">Serlo</span>.] Now, my dear friend, you’ve got the chance of a -lifetime. It’s quite clear to me that there’s only one course open to -you. Take the centre of the stage and renounce the lady with all the -moving expressions you can think of.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>Look here, old man, I don’t think I quite like the way you keep on -pulling my leg.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Put a little dignity into it, man.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>I may be a blithering ass, but I can see without your tellin’ me that -Ethel wouldn’t have had me at any price if she hadn’t wanted to score -off you.<a name="page_154" id="page_154"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Oh, how some men throw away their chances! Strike the pathetic note, old -man, or you’re done. When you’ve finished there oughtn’t to be a dry eye -in the place.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>Well, the fact is—it had entirely slipped my memory at the moment, but -I had a letter this morning from the lady’s solicitor to remind me—I -happen to be engaged to a young woman who can kick a man’s topper off -too.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>By Jove, I wonder if it’s the same one.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>Why didn’t you tell me?</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Serlo.</span></p> - -<p>Well, you know, it was a bit awk when you—er....</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Threw yourself at his head.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>To Jack Straw with a smile.</i>] I ought to be very angry with you. -You’ve laughed at me all the time.<a name="page_155" id="page_155"></a> I don’t believe you’ll ever take me -seriously. If I really were the romantic creature you say I am, I’d be -very dignified and refuse to have anything to do with you at all.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>But like all women you’re very sensible at heart, and you’ll do nothing -of the kind.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span></p> - -<p>It’s not because I’m sensible, but because I suppose you were quite -right in what you said just now.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>Bless you! I’d throw myself down on the floor and implore you to walk on -me only I’m convinced you’d take me at my word.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>With enormous satisfaction.</i>] I knew he was an Archduke all the time. -You can’t deceive a mother.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>[<i>With a start.</i>] There’s one thing I must break to you at once. -Pomerania is in some ways still a barbarous country. We have a dreadful -law that when a member of the royal family marries a foreigner not of -royal blood, his wife’s relations are prohibited from entering it.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>I should like to see any one prohibit me from going to see my own -daughter.<a name="page_156" id="page_156"></a></p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Jack Straw.</span></p> - -<p>My dear lady, it grieves me infinitely to say it, but no sooner had you -crossed our frontier than you would be instantly beheaded.</p> - -<p class="persn"><span class="smcap">Mrs. Parker-Jennings.</span></p> - -<p>Truly, sir, a barbarous country.</p> - -<p class="c"> <br />THE END.</p> - -<p><a name="transcrib" id="transcrib"></a></p> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="" -style="padding:2%;border:3px dotted gray;"> -<tr><th align="center">Typographical errors corrected by the etext transcriber:</th></tr> -<tr><td align="center">I’m so glad that I know you better know=> I’m so glad that I know you better now {pg 70}</td></tr> -<tr><td align="center">takes out her handkerchief, rolls it up ball=> takes out her handkerchief, rolls it up into a ball {pg 124}</td></tr> -</table> - -<hr class="full" /> - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Jack Straw, by W. 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