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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/4959.txt b/4959.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6e4fde7 --- /dev/null +++ b/4959.txt @@ -0,0 +1,15994 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Life and Adventures of Maj. Roger Sherman Potter, +by Francis Colburn Adams (using the pseudonym Pheleg Van Trusedale) +#5 in our series by Francis Colburn Adams + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: The Life and Adventures of Maj. Roger Sherman Potter + +Author: "Pheleg Van Trusedale" + A pseudonym for Francis Colburn Adams + +Release Date: January, 2004 [EBook #4959] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on April 4, 2002] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SHERMAN POTTER *** + + + + +This eBook was edited by Charles Aldarondo (www.aldarondo.net). + + + + +THE LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF MAJ. ROGER SHERMAN POTTER: + +TOGETHER WITH AN ACCURATE AND EXCEEDINGLY INTERESTING ACCOUNT OF HIS +GREAT ACHIEVEMENTS IN POLITICS, DIPLOMACY, AND WAR,--ALL OF WHICH ARE +HERE RECORDED OUT OF SHEER LOVE FOR THE MARTIAL SPIRIT OF THIS TRULY +AMBITIOUS NATION. + +I HERE DECLARE THAT THIS GREAT WORK WAS NEITHER TRANSLATED FROM THE +FRENCH, NOR PRIGGED FROM THE UNPUBLISHED WORK OF ANY ENGLISH AUTHOR, +BUT WAS TRULY AND HONESTLY WRITTEN FOR THE ESPECIAL BENEFIT OF MY +PUBLISHER. + +BY PHELEG VAN TRUSEDALE, WHO, WITHOUT ASKING PERMISSION, +RESPECTFULLY DEDICATES IT TO HIS FRIEND AND BENEFACTOR, JAMES +BUCHANAN, PRESIDENT OF THESE UNITED STATES. + +NEW YORK: + +1858. + + + + + + +AUTHOR'S PREFACE. + + + + + +IF the reader will but pay attention to what I have written in this +great work, it will be found that I have taken an unwarrantable +liberty with his good taste; that is to say, I have so far deviated +from that stereotyped rule-so strictly observed by all our great +authors-as to make my hero, who is what is curiously enough called a +"Yankee Character," speak tolerably good English, instead of vulgar +slang. In truth, so closely do "our great writers" adhere to this +rule of depicting the eccentric American as a lean, scraggy +individual, dressed most outlandishly, making splinters of the +king's English, while drawling it with offensive nasal sounds, and +violating the rules of common politeness in whatever he does, that +when he goes abroad the foreigner is surprised to find him a +tolerably well polished gentleman, and indeed not unfrequently +inquires what part of our country those lean persons he has seen +described in the books of American authors reside in. + +Let this preface then suffice, for if any one of my many readers +think he can write a better--and I doubt not he can-let him set +about it, and not stop until he get it exactly to his fancy. But +before he say one word against aught that is herein written, let him +bear in mind that I am the author of not less than a stack of great +histories, which have already so multiplied my literary fame, that +the mere announcement of another book by me sends that only great +and generous critic, the public at large, into a perfect fever of +anxiety. + +PHELEG VAN TRUSEDALE. + +New York, Nov., 1857. + + + + + + +CONTENTS. + + + + + +1.--A Chapter Wherein those Having a Taste for Nonsense may find It + +2.--Containing Sundry Matters of Deep Interest + +3.--A Pleasant Meeting with a Renowned Major + +4.--Major Roger Sherman Potter Recounts his Exploits in War and +Politics + +5.--In which Politicians and Other Vagabonds may find Something to +Their Advantage + +6.--Major Roger Potter's First Adventure in New York + +7.--The Pleasant Side of a Misfortune + +8.--Meeting Between the Renowned Major and an Eccentric Fishmonger + +9.--How the Renowned Major Exchanged Chickens with Mrs. Trotbridge + +10.--The Kindness of Mine Host of the Astor + +11.--Wonderful Story of an Intelligent + +12.--Concerning Matters Necessary to the Perfection of This History + +13.--The Two Strange Characters at the Independent Temperance Hotel + +14.--A whole Town in a State of Alarm + +15.--An Amusing Meeting between Major Roger Potter and his Wife, +Polly Potter + +16.--Many Queer and Deeply Interesting Things which took place When +Major Potter arrived at Barnstable + +17.--A Man of the Name of Giles Sheridan + +18.--Which Relates how Major Roger Potter Sailed for New York, to the +Great Delight of Little Barnstable + +19.--The Most Pleasant and Satisfactory Mode of Displaying Courage +and Military Skill + +20.--A Mistake that had Nearly Cost Major Potter his Life + +21.--The Happiest Way of Settling a Difference + +22.--The Least Expensive Way of Manufacturing Heroes + +23.--Which Treats of a Party of Yachters Met on the Sound + +24.--A Remarkable Interview between the Renowned Major Roger Potter +and the Commander of the Fleet + +25.--A Small Accident which had well nigh Lost the Renowned Major all +His Reputation for Gallantry + +26.--Major Roger Potter's Grand Reception in New York, and How he was +Fairly Suffocated with the Attentions of Our Aldermen + +27.--What was Said and Done when the Renowned Major Potter Arrived at +the Great St. Nicholas Hotel + +28.--A Remarkable Mayor of the City; how he Received the Major, +Exchanged Speeches, and was Serenaded, to the Great Delight of +Politicians and Vagabonds in general + +29.--Wherein is Pleasantly Related how Major Roger Potter was Found +Almost Suffocated + +30.--How to Regulate the Good Conduct of Young Gentlemen Entering the +"Century Club." + +31.--How the Landlord of the Astor pursued the Renowned Major with a +Small Bill + +32.--A Queer Account of How the Major got into Debt to the Landlord +of the Astor + +33.--How the Major became a General, and Joined the Young American +Banking House of Pickle, Prig & Flutter + +34.--A Remarkable Showman, and what was Done with the Intelligent Pig + +35.--Two Great Generals, and an Amusing Account of the Very +Unmilitary Predicament they were Found in on the Morning of the +Review + +36.--The Story of a very Learned Critic, together with other Queer +and Interesting Matters, all of which took place at the New York +Hotel + +37.--A Chapter on Military Politicians and Critics, all of which is +set down in Writing by Mr. Orlando Tickler, one of the Order + +38.--Major Roger Potter Engages to get the Kingdom of Kalorama for +us, and Prepares to Depart for Washington, to Procure the Mission +promised him by the Government + +39.--A Remark or two concerning our Grand Opera House + +40.--How certain Well-Known Adepts and Office-Seekers were Alarmed at +General Roger Potter's Arrival in Washington + +41.--An Adept of the Name of Ben Stretcher, and what He Does for +those who Stand in Need of His Services + +42.--Which Records the Singular Character of the Application made by +General Roger Potter for an Office, and how he is sent Minister to +the King of the Kaloramas, that being the Easiest Method of Getting +Rid of Him + +43.--Which Records how the General Got His Commission, and Returned +to New York, with Other Things Common to Politicians + +44.--General Roger Potter gets a Mission, and Returns to New York, +with the Loss of his Secretary, Mr. Tickler + +45.--An Affair of Gallantry that had Nearly Cost Mr. Tickler his +Life, an event that would have been a Serious Loss to the Nation; +also, the Story of Leon and Linda, as Told by the Critic + +46.--The Renowned General Potter takes his Departure as Minister +Plenipotentiary for Kalorama; as, also, a True and Accurate Account +of What Took Place when the Ship Crossed the Line. To which is Added +the Sad History of Spark Island + +47.--Which Describes the Rejoicing that Took Place when the General +Landed at Buzabub, on the Coast of Kalorama + +48.--How the Renowned General Potter Spent a Night Among the Dead + +49.--Sorry Trials of a Great Minister Plenipotentiary, all of which +arise from his Ignorance of the Language spoken at Court + +50.--The Journey to Nezub; as, also, a Curious Conversation which +took place between Minister Potter and his Secretary + +51.--In which is Minutely Described an Entirely New and Most +Extraordinary Mode of Punishing Ministers and Secretaries of +Legation + +52.--Things which the Author Ventures to Assert Cannot Fail to Amuse +and Instruct the Reader + +53.--How the Renowned General Potter had an Army of Vagabonds sent +him, and how the Terrible Battle of the Banana Hills was Fought +Without Bloodshed + +54.--An Amusing Result of a Great Battle + +55.--Which Recounts how General Potter Condemned the Priests to Ride +Asses Three Times a Day, as a Good Enough Punishment for their +Intriguing; also, a Plain and Unvarnished Account of the +ever-Memorable Battle of "The Miracle," in which Old Battle, the +Greatest War Horse of these times, Lost his Life + +56.--An Amusing Quarrel, which Arose Concerning the Government of +Kolorama + +57.--Which Treats of How the Ruler of a Kingdom was Carried Off into +Captivity on a Mule, and how he Escaped from the Priests + +58.--An Account of how the Renowned General Potter stole the Hat and +Mule of a Poor Priest, that he might go in Search of his Straying +Army + +59.--The Vagaries of Mr. Tickler, Secretary and Critic to General +Roger Potter. He Relates the Story of Angelio + +60.--The Last and Most Melancholy Chapter in this Eventful History, +and wherein will be found one the Most Truthful Accounts of a +Warrior Returning Home Without a Kingdom, and in a Pelting Rain + + + + + + +THE ADVENTURES OF MAJOR ROGER SHERMAN POTTER. + +CHAPTER I. + +WHICH TREATS OF THINGS NOT PARTICULARLY INTERESTING, AND MIGHT HAVE +BEEN OMITTED WITHOUT PREJUDICE TO THIS HISTORY. + + + + + +CAPE COD, you must know, gentle reader, is my bleak native home, and +the birth-place of all the most celebrated critics. The latter fact +is not generally known, and for the reason that the gentry composing +that fraternity acknowledge her only with an excess of reluctance. +Her poets and historians never mention her in their famous works; +her blushing maidens never sing to her, and her novelists lay the +scenes of their romances in other lands. One solitary poet was +caught and punished for singing a song to her sands; but of her +codfish no historian has written, though divers malicious writers +have declared them the medium upon which one of our aristocracies is +founded. But I love her none the less for this. + +It was a charming evening in early June. I am not disposed to state +the year, since it is come fashionable to count only days. With my +head supported in my left hand, and my elbow resting on my knee, I +sat down upon the beach to listen to the music of the tide. Curious +thoughts crowded upon my mind, and my fancy soared away into another +world. The sea was bright, the breeze came soft and balmy over the +land, and whispered and laughed. My bosom heaved with melting +emotions; and had I been skilled in the art of love, the mood I was +in qualified me for making it. The sun in the west was sinking +slowly, the horizon was hung with a rich canopy of crimson clouds, +and misty shadows played over the broad sea-plain, to the east. Then +the arcades overhead filled with curtains of amber and gold; and the +sight moved me to meditation. My soul seemed drinking in the +beauties nature was strewing at the feet of her humblest, and, +perhaps, most unthankful creatures. Then the scene began to change; +and such was its gently-stealing pace that I became moved by +emotions my tongue had no power to describe. The more I thought the +more I wondered. And I sat wondering until Dame Night drew her dusky +curtains, and the balconies of heaven filled with fleecy clouds, and +ten thousand stars, like liquid pearls, began to pour their soft +light over the land and sea. Then the "milky way" came out, as if to +take the moon's watch, and danced along the serene sky, like a +coquette in her gayest attire. + +How I longed for a blushing maiden to tune her harp, or chant her +song, just then! Though I am the son of a fisherman, I confess I +thought I heard one tripping lightly behind me, her face all warm +with smiles. It was but a fancy, and I sighed while asking myself +what had induced it. Not a brook murmured; no willows distilled +their night dews; birds did not make the air melodious with their +songs; and there were no magnolia trees to shake from their locks +those showers of liquid pearls which so bedew the books of our lady +novelists. True, the sea became as a mirror, reflecting argosies of +magic sails, and the star-lights tripped, and danced, and waltzed +over the gently undulating swells. A moment more and I heard the +tide rips sing, and the ground swell murmur, as it had done in my +childhood, when I had listened and wondered what it meant. The sea +gull, too, was nestling upon the bald sands, where he had sought +rest for the night, and there echoed along through the air so +sweetly, the music of a fisherman's song; and the mimic surf danced +and gamboled along the beach, spreading it with a chain of +phosphorous light, over which the lanterns mounted on two stately +towers close by threw a great glare of light: and this completed the +picture. + +While contemplating the beauties before me, I was suddenly seized +with a longing for fame. It was true I had little merit of my own, +but as it had become fashionable at this day for men without merit +to become famous, the chance for me, I thought, was favorable +indeed. I contemplated my journey in quest of fame, and resolved +never to falter. "Fame," I mused, "what quality of metal art thou +made of, that millions bow down and worship thee?" And all nature, +through her beauties, seemed returning an answer, and I arose from +my reverie, and wended my way toward the cabin of my aged parents. A +bright light streamed from one of the windows, serving as my beacon. +I had not gone far before Fame, I thought, replied for herself, and +said: "Know, son of a fisherman, that I am a capricious goddess; at +least, I am so called by the critics. And they, being adepts in deep +knowledge, render verdicts the world must not dispute. I have the +world for my court: my shrine is everywhere, and millions worship at +it. Genius, learning, and valor, are my handmaids. I have great and +good men for my vassals; and upon them it affords me comfort to +bestow my gifts. I seek out the wise and the virtuous, and place +garlands of immortality upon their heads; I toy with my victims, and +then hurl them into merited obscurity. Little men most beset me, +most hang about my garments, and sigh most for my smiles. The rich +man would have me build monuments to his memory; the ambitious poor +man repines when I forget him. Novel-writing damsels, their eyes +bedimmed with bodkin shaped tears, and their fingers steeled with +envious pens it seems their love to dip in gall, cast longing looks +at me. Peter Parley, and other poets, have laid their offerings low +at my feet. I have crowned kings and emperors; and I have cast a +favor to a fool. With queens and princes have I coquetted, and +laughed when they were laid in common dust. I have dragged the +humble from his obscurity, and sent him forth to overthrow kingdoms +and guard the destinies of peoples. Millions have gone in search of +me; few have found me. Great men are content with small favors; +small men would, being the more ambitious of the two, take me all to +themselves. Millions have aspired to my hand; few have been found +worthy of it. Editors, critics, chambermaids and priests, (without +whom we would have no great wars,) annoy me much. I am generous +enough to forgive them, to charge their evil designs to want of +discretion, to think the world would scarce miss them, and certainly +could get along well enough without them. + +"In my halcyon days there appeared before me one ’neas, who was +great of piety, which he laid at my feet, soliciting only a smile. +After him came Hector, whom I condoled for his misfortunes. Upon the +head of Achilles, who sought the smallest favor, I placed a garland. +Eurylas, a man of large friendship; and Alexander, who was known +among the nations for his liberality; and C‘sar, who had some valor; +and Trajan, whose probity no one doubted; and Topirus, a man of +great fidelity; and Cato, of whom it was said that he had some +wisdom-these came, and in humility bowed before me and accepted my +offering. For the delight and instruction of future generations, I +have had their names written on the pages of history, which is the +world's gift. And this was an age of the past. + +"Then the age of modern poetry and oratory came in with one +Shakspeare, and a friend of his of the name of Bacon. And it went +out with Sheridan, and one Pitt, and a queer man of the name of +Byron, whose name I have written in letters of gold, and have placed +where envious bishops cannot take it down, though they build ladders +of lawn. I will watch over it, and it shall be bright when kings and +bishops are forgotten. + +"Then there came the age of Washington; which was a new age, in a +new world, with new glories and new men, whose names I have +enshrined for the study of the young, the old, the great, and the +good. On Jefferson's brow I laid a laurel that shall be green in all +coming time; and the memories of Webster, Clay, and Calhoun shall +long wear my mantle, for they won it worthily. + +"Latterly, I have been much annoyed by one Benton, who, being a man +of much light and shade, climbs my ladder only to break it down, and +is for ever mounting dragons he cannot ride. If I shake him from my +skirts to-day, he will to-morrow meet me upon the highway, and +charge me with ingratitude. Dancing-girls and politicians beset me +on all sides, reminding me that, without them, the world would go to +ruin. Political parsons and milliners daily make war upon me. And +singing women, and critics who herald their virtues for pennies, +threaten to plunder me of my glories. And, though I am not a vain +dame, many of these think me as cheaply bought as their own praise. + +"I would not have you mourn over the age of poetry and oratory, for +that also is of the past. You must not forget that it is become +fashionable for men to give themselves to the getting of gold, which +they pursue with an avidity I fear will end in the devil getting all +their souls. You, son of a fisherman, shall be the object of my +solicitude. Go out upon the world; be just to all, nor withhold your +generosity from those who are worthy of it. Be sure, too, that you +make the objects of your pursuit in all cases square with justice. +Let your purposes be unvarying, nor be presumptuous to your equals. +Beware lest you fall into the company of boisterous talking and +strong drinking men, such as aspire to the control of the nation at +this day; and, though they may not have been many months in the +country, kindly condescend to teach us how to live. Also let those +who most busy themselves with making presidents for us keep other +company than yours, for their trade is a snare many a good man has +been caught in to his sorrow." + +And Fame, I thought, continued discoursing to me in this manner +until I reached the cabin of my father, when she bid me good night +and departed. I entered the cabin and found my father, who was bent +with age, sitting by the great fire-place, mending his nets. My +mother was at her wheel, spinning flax. She was a tidy little body, +of the old school. Her notions of the world in general were somewhat +narrow and antiquated; while the steeple-crown cap she wore on her +head so jauntily, and her apron of snow-white muslin, that hung so +neatly over a black silk dress, and was secured about the neck with +a small, crimped collar, gave her an air of cheerfulness the sweet- +ness of her oval face did much to enhance. My father, whose face and +hands were browned with the suns of some sixty summers, had a touch +of the patriarch about him. He often declared the world outside of +Cape Cod so wicked as not to be worth living in. He was short of +figure, had flowing white hair, a deeply-wrinkled brow, and +corrugated lips, and blue eyes, over-arched with long, brown +eyelashes. My mother ran to me, and my father grasped me firmly by +the hand, for he was not a little concerned about my stay on the +beach. Indeed, I may as well confess, that he regarded me as a +wayward youth, over whom it was just as well to exercise a guardian +hand. In his younger days he had been what was called extremely good +looking, a quality he frequently told me I had inherited, and from +which he feared I might suffer grievous harm, unless I exercised +great caution when divers damsels he had a jealous eye upon +approached me. My mother was less jealous of my exploits among the +sex, which she rather encouraged. + +Another cause of anxiety with my father was the fact that I had +written a "Life and Times" of Captain Seth Brewster; which work, +though the hero was a fisherman, reached a sale of forty thousand +copies, put money in my pocket, and made me the pet of all the +petticoats round about. It was not unnatural, then, that my father, +with his peculiar turn of mind, should set me down as being +partially insane. I had also manufactured several very +highly-colored verses in praise of Cape Cod; and these my publisher, +who was by no means a tricky man, said had made a great stir in the +literary world. And his assertion I found confirmed by the critics, +who, with one accord, and without being paid, declared these verses +proof that the author possessed "a rare inventive genius." The +meaning of this was all Hebrew to me. My mother suggested that it +might be a figure of speech copied from Chaldean mythology. + +Another cause of alarm for my morals, in the eyes of my father, was +the fact of my having made two political speeches. And these, +according to divers New York politicians, had secured Cape Cod to +General Pierce. And, as a reward for this great service, and to the +end of illustrating in some substantial manner (so it is written at +this day) their appreciation of a politician so distinguished, I was +waited upon by a delegation of the before-named politicians, (two of +whom came slightly intoxicated,) who had come, as they said, to +tender to me an invitation to visit New York. A public reception by +the Mayor and Council; a grand banquet at Tammany Hall; the honor of +being made one of its Sachems; free apartments and two charming +serenades at the New York Hotel; and divers suppers at very +respectable houses, were temptingly suggested as an inducement for +me to come out and take a prominent position. Indeed, such were the +representations of this distinguished delegation, that I began to +think the people of New York singularly rich and liberal, seeing +that they trusted their surplus money in the hands of persons who +were so loose of morals that they could find no other method of +spending it than suppering and serenading men of my obscure stamp. + +But if my father was alarmed lest my morals should suffer by these +temptations, my mother would have answered to heaven for my virtue, +though a dozen damsels were setting snares for me. And this will be +shown in the next chapter. + + + + + + +CHAPTER II. + +WHICH TREATS OF HOW I LEFT MY NATIVE CAPE, AND SUNDRY OTHER MATTERS. + + + + + +I HAD no sooner disclosed to my father my musings with Fame, and the +aspirations she had excited in me, than he went right into a +passion, and set me down as extravagant and mad. He had entertained +hopes of making me a schoolmaster, perhaps an inspector of fish, in +which office excellent opportunities for increasing one's fortunes +were offered; but I had been rendered quite useless to the parish +ever since the New York politicians had taken me into their favor. +Anybody, he said, might go out upon and know the world, but few had +the courage and daring to grapple with its difficulties. And then, +the world was so wicked that men of reflection instinctively shrank +from it. Notwithstanding my wild, visionary plans, he yet had hopes +of me. But if I sought distinction in the political world, it would +be well not to forget that it had at this day become a dangerous +quicksand, over which a series of violent storms continually heaved. +And these storms, by some mysterious process or other, were +incessantly casting up on the shore of political popularity and +making heroes of men whose virtues were not weighty enough to keep +them at the bottom. "Be an humble citizen, my son," said he: "learn +to value a quiet life. You are not given to loud and boisterous +talking, to lying, or to slandering; which things, at this day, are +essential to political success. Worthy and well disposed persons are +too much afraid of being drowned in the violence of the storm +politicians with shallow brains and empty pockets create, by their +anxiety to take the affairs of the nation into their own keeping. +Remember, too, that if you fail in the object of your ambition (and +you are not vagabond enough to succeed), the remotest desert will +not hide you from the evil designs of your enemies. You may seek +some crystal stream; you may let your tears flow with its waters; +but such will not lighten your disappointment, for the persecuted +heart is no peace-offering to the political victor. Politically +vanquished; and you are like an unhappy lover who seeks him a rural +deity and sings his complaints to the winds. Your eye will become +jealous at the fortunes of others, but your sighs over the cruelty +of what you are pleased to call human imperfections will not bring +back your own. Stay quietly at home, my son, and if you cannot be a +schoolmaster, chance may one day turn you up President of these +United States. Let your insanity for writing books not beguile you +into crime; and above all, I would enjoin you, my son, never to +write the 'Life and Character' of an in-going President, for then, +to follow the fashion of the day, and make for him a life that would +apply with equal truth to King Mancho, or any one of his sable +subjects, will be necessary that you write him down the hero of +adventures he never dreamed of, and leave out the score of +delinquincies his real life is blemished with. If you do this, wise +men will set you down a scribbler for charity's sake." + +Thus spoke my venerable father. But I remembered that he had several +times before said that if I would so square my morals as to become +in favor with the matronly portion of the parish he would even try +and make a parson of me, which was, in his opinion, a promotion +still higher than schoolmaster. Having got a parish, and chosen the +richest damsel of the flock for my wife, there was nothing to hinder +me from snapping my fingers at the world and its persecutions. + +My father, I would here observe, in justice to his memory, was much +given to the study of religion, and would not unfrequently invite to +his house the parson of a neighboring village, that he might debate +with him on matters appertaining to the creed, which he had been +thirty years narrowing down to the finest point. And yet he always +kept a vigilant eye to his worldly affairs, nor ever let a man get +the better of him in a bargain. Indeed it was said of him that +though he had not been to sea for many a day he so linked himself to +the fortunes of his neighbors as to secure a large share of the +bounty so generously paid by our government. That there was nothing +in this inconsistent with his love of true religion my father was +assured by the parson, who held that worldly possessions in no wise +blunted the appetite for redemption; and that even bill-discounting +quakers, with their bags of gold on their backs, would not find the +gates of heaven shut to them. And as the parson was a man of great +learning, though small of figure, and very curatical in his features +and dress, his opinions were in high favor with the villagers, among +whom he had given it out that he was a graduate of Yale and Harvard, +both of which celebrated institutions had conferred high honors upon +him. This high throwing of the parson's lasso getting abroad atoned +for innumerable antiquated and very dull sermons, for the delivery +of which he would excuse himself to his private friends by saying +that his salary was but four hundred dollars a year, one third of +which he took in No. 2 mackerel no one would buy of him. He was +excessively fussy; and if he advocated temperance to-day, he would +to-morrow take a sly smash, never forgetting to add that it was +recommended by his physician, who was likewise a man of great +learning. Under the influence of this medicine, it was said, by +malicious people, which no parish is with--out, that if the occasion +demanded a serious sermon he was sure to preach one that would send +all the young folks of his congregation into a titter. If the +occasion was such as to tolerate a little humor, he was sure to send +them all into a melancholy mood with the gravity of his remarks. In +fine, he was sure to be on the opposite side of everything natural. +The only question he was not quite sure it would do to get upon, was +the slavery question. And for this he always excused himself by +saying that there were many others in the same condition. It would +not do to be in the desert, hence he inclined to the policy of our +fashionable clergy, who are extremely cautious not to steer too +close to questions not popular enough to be profitably espoused. If +Parson Stebbins (for such was his name) let drop a few words in +favor of freedom to-day, Obadiah Morgan, the most influential member +of his church, would to-morrow politely withdraw. A word or two +complimentary of the South and her peculiar institutions was equally +sure to find him taken to task by the philanthropic females of his +parish. In truth, he could approach neither side of the question +without finding a fire in his rear. And as his empty pocket would +not allow him to rise to independence, he resolved to preach to that +portion of his church which was content to let the slavery question +take care of itself. + +The parson joined my father in his endeavors to shake the resolution +I had taken, and said many things concerning the snares set by the +wicked world, and how easy it was for an ardent youth like myself to +fall into them, that grievously annoyed my mother; for, as I have +said before, she had great faith in my virtue, and so doted on me +that she had a ready excuse for all my follies. Indeed, she would +often smile at the combined alarm of my father and the parson, +saying she held it infinitely better that a youth like myself go out +upon the world in search of distinction, for therein lay the +virtue of his example. Children were born to the world; if they had +daring enough to go out upon it and battle with it, the parson's +advice to stay at home was unnecessary. You could not make human +things divine; and, to expect miracles from saints now-a-days, or +truth from critics, or liberality from parsons, was like looking for +reason in our "current literature." + +When my father found that I was, in spite of the admonitions of the +parson, resolved on setting out, and that he was confronted by the +strong opposition of my mother, he gave up in despair, telling me +whatever befell me, not to look to him for succor. My mother, on the +other hand, gave herself up to my preparation for the journey with +so much ardor, that she for several days almost wholly neglected the +regulation of her domestic affairs. My precious new suit of black, +in which I had adorned myself on Sundays, and, not a little vain of +my appearance, shone out at church, was got out and brushed, and +then nicely packed away in my valise, which likewise contained an +ample supply of unmentionables, and homemade shirts, and stockings, +and other articles appertaining to the wardrobe of an adventurous +young man. My mother also exercised a wise discretion in the +selection of such books as she thought would afford me "maxims of +guidance," as she called it, through the world. A pocket Bible, and +a small volume of the "Select Edition of Franklin's Maxims," a book +in high favor with the good people of the Cape, were got of a +bookseller in Barnstable, a queer wag, who had got rich by vending a +strange quality of literature and taking fish in exchange. In +addition to these good books provided by my mother, I was careful +not to forget my "Polite Speech Maker," a book which I confess to +have studied much. In truth, like many distinguished members of +Congress, I am indebted to it for my great political popularity. +Resolved as I am that this history shall never swerve from the +truth, I would sincerely recommend a study of the "Polite Speech +Maker" to all juvenile politicians, dealers in liquor, editors of +three-cent newspapers, and learned litterateurs, whose names, +according to sundry malicious writers, it is come the fashion of the +day to reflect in one mirror. + +In the "Polite Speech Maker" will be found such sentences as "the +tranquilized glory of our glorious country," and "the undying +beauties, that starry emblem, our flag, awakens in our heart of +hearts;" and sundry others, equally abstruse, but no less essential +to the objects of primary meetings. The author of this invaluable +work is my learned friend and very erudite scholar, Dr. Easley. And +as some readers hold the study of an author of much more importance +than his book, I may be excused for saying here that no one can take +up one and forget the other, since literature, as is there set +forth, was never before either blessed or encumbered with so great a +doctor. + +My library and outfit being complete, my mother, having provided me +with a yellow waistcoat and white plush hat out of her private +purse, gave an evening party in honor of my departure. Parson +Stebbins, the doctor of a neighboring village, (not Easley, for he +had set up his fortunes in New York,) and sundry bright-eyed damsels +of my acquaintance, were invited, and came accompanied by their +sturdy parents. The last jar of jam and applesauce was stormed, the +two fattest pullets in the yard brought to the block, choice mince +and pumpkin pies were propounded, three dollars were expended upon a +citron cake such as Cape Cod had never seen before, and no less than +a dozen bottles of Captain Zeke Brewster's double refined cider was +got of Major Cook, the grocer. Stronger beverages were held in +questionable respect by the Cape folks. My mother did, indeed, busy +herself for nearly two days in the preparation of this supper, +declaring at the same time that she would not be outdone by any +housewife this side of Barnstable at least. Nor did she heed my +father, who continued the while muttering his misgivings. + +The stars shone out bright on the night of the party, which passed +off to the delight of every one present. The fowls, and the pies, +and the jam and apple-sauce, and a dish of tea the parson declared +could not be excelled, were all discussed with great cheerfulness. +My father, as was his custom, drew his chair aside after supper, and +engaged two of his guests in religious conversation, while the +doctor and the parson got into a corner, and soon became deeply +absorbed in a question of law, which they debated over the cider. + +No sooner had my mother set her table to rights than she, with an +air of motherly watchfulness, drew her chair beside the damsels, +with whom I was exchanging the gossip of the Cape, and entered +cheerfully into our conversation. + +More than one of the bright eyed and ruddy cheeked damsels gave out +hints that led me to believe they would have accompanied me on my +journey and shared the fortunes of my career. Nor did their hints +disturb my mother, whose mind was too pure to conceive their +attentions aught else than blessings. And thus, with an abundance of +good cheer, and the interchange of those civilities so common to +villagers, and the singing of an orthodox hymn or two, in which my +father joined, while the doctor and the parson continued their +discussion over the cider, passed one of those rustic evening +parties so characteristic of Cape Cod. + +Half-past nine o'clock arrived, and it being an hour of bedtime +religiously kept by the villagers, the bright eyed damsels and their +chaperons, each in turn, shook me warmly by the hand, congratulated +my mother on having a son so daring, lisped words of encouragement +in my ear, and took an affectionate leave. Among them there was one +Altona Marabel, the daughter of a worthy fisherman. This damsel had +a face of exquisite beauty; and her great lustrous eyes and blushing +cheeks had caused me many a sigh. And now I saw that her heart beat +in unison with mine, for the words good-by hung reluctant upon her +lips. Nay, more, she would have sealed the love she bore me with a +tear, for as she shook my hand it came like a pearl in her eye, and +she wiped it away lest it write the tale of her heart upon the +crimson of her cheek. + +Neither the doctor nor the parson were disturbed at the departure of +the rest of the company; for they continued to praise the quality of +the cider and debate the question of law until my father went into a +deep sleep, from which he was disturbed by the parson, who, in +response to an invitation from the doctor, commenced singing a song +for the entertainment of my mother. Such joviality was uncommon with +the parson, and so surprised and astonished my father, that he +intimated to the doctor that it would not be amiss to get him home. +Being something of a wag, the doctor intended to vanquish the parson +with the cider, and then perform certain mischievous tricks with his +features. But this my father, who was not given to sporting with the +weaknesses of others, prevented, by ordering my mother to lock up +the six remaining bottles. "We might debate the question until +daylight, but I could not convince you," spake the parson, rising +from his chair on finding the bottles empty, and rather fussily +adjusting his spectacles, "it is not expected that law is a part of +your profession." + +The doctor being a well bred and courteous man, bowed and held his +peace. Indeed, he saw that the parson's intellect was somewhat +deranged; hence he held it more becoming a Christian to tender his +services in conducting him to his home, which was some two miles +off. The parson now took me by the hand, and having looked me in the +eye steadily for nearly a minute, addressed me as follows: "You, +young man, I am afraid, have got a dangerous turn of mind. Many is +the young man that has been hurried to destruction by a too daring +and adventurous spirit. But if your resolution to go out upon the +world in search of fame is not to be shaken by anything I say, then +I would enjoin you always to so fence up your character that the +devil and slander-loving editors cannot pick holes in it. Pray much. +Let no one tempt you with mild drinks, for such only lead to the +taking of stronger ones. Go regularly to church, but let not your +eyes fall upon the faces of pretty women so that your ears be sealed +to the sermon. Never make love to another man's wife. Remember this +when you are a great man, for with them it is become a fashion. Let +ruffians go their own way. Let gentlemen be your companions, and +never fail to show them that you can at least be their equal in +courteous demeanor. Always pay your washerwoman; be not ashamed to +acknowledge your father, and remember that the fonder you speak of +your mother, the more you will be beloved by strangers. Avoid +politicians, who are come to be great vagabonds, who drink bad +liquor and give their thoughts to base designs against the nation's +gold. If you become great and valorous, historians will no doubt +defame you, and lay crimes of which you were innocent at your door, +as is common with them. But you must bear what they say of you with +Christian fortitude, remembering, always, that it is a delight with +them to tear greatness from its high throne." The parson looked +wisely in my face as he said this, and shook his head warningly. +"Most of all," he continued, "never permit yourself to fall into the +hands of treasury swindlers, money changers, and malicious editors, +who will set you up as the only fit person to be President of these +United States, though you have not a single qualification necessary +to the office. For they, being tricky men, will be sure to let you +down with the same facility they took you up; and when your +ancestors, down to the third and fourth generations are dug up, (as +it has become necessary to do,) and their character, together with +your own, made blacker than the ink they seek to damage one +another's character with, they will be the first to declare they +were mistaken in you-that you were not the man they took you for." + +The parson said many other things of a like character, out which I +did not think worth writing down in my memory. He then shook hands +with my mother and father, expressed his surprise at the lateness of +the hour to the doctor, and took his leave, meeting with a strange +mishap on his way home, which will be related in the next chapter. + + + + + + +CHAPTER III. + +IN WHICH IS RELATED A PLEASANT MEETING WITH A RENOWNED MAJOR. + + + + + +EARLY on the following morning, before the sun had hung the eastern +sky with golden mists, my mother was astir, and in due time had a +plain but substantial breakfast prepared. And, too, I heard my +father muttering his misgivings in an adjoining chamber. My valise, +nicely packed and strapped, stood by the door; this I thought a +contrivance of my father to shake my resolution. Indeed I must +confess that whenever my eye rested upon it, an emotion of regret +moved me, and my fancy filled with an hundred perils that seemed +incident to my career. The earnestness of my mother, however, always +restored me to confidence. Her motto was, never despond, nor sit +idly at home, when fame and fortune are to be gained by going +abroad. She did everything with great cheerfulness of manner, and +though the frosts of fifty winters had made snow-white the hairs of +her head, and plowed their furrows deep into her oval face, there +was a vigor in her action that might have excited the envy of youth. + +Though I could not suppress the effect of those reminiscences of +home, which on the eve of departure from it, rise up and disturb the +feelings, no sooner was breakfast over than I shouldered my valise, +and with my father on my left, and my mother on my right, sallied +forth to the garden gate, where we halted before taking a last +parting. The favorite watch-dog, Tray, who had gamboled with me in +my boyhood, and held himself worthy of protecting me in his old +age, followed us, wagging his tail in evident delight at the +prospect of bearing me company. A soft breeze fanned over the beach, +the dew-dripping rose bushes, that lined the green-topped picket +fence, waved their tops to and fro, the sparrows whistled and sung, +and wooed, as if Providence had made them for that alone; and all +nature seemed putting on her gayest attire to inspire me with +resolution. + +"My son," said my father, grasping me tightly by the hand, as the +words trembled upon his lips, and the breeze played with his gray +locks, and his eyes filled with tears, "if go you must, be a man in +all things; but heed not the sayings of men who talk loudest of +being your friends." + +"Why should he not go, daddy?" replied my mother, who was accustomed +to addressing him in this manner. "Be your own judge of the world, +my son, nor ever think bad of it until you have made your virtues an +example to others, for they who condemn the world most have least to +lay at its door." She then took my hand affectionately, and after +gently rebuking my father for his attempt, as she styled it, to +excite me to melancholy, which she held to be a great enemy to +youth, kissed me and bade me adieu. And I set out, taking the road +to Barnstable. They both leaned over the little gate, and twice +exchanged adieus with me, as I turned to have a last look at all +that had been so dear to my childhood. Faithful old Tray bore me +company, and wagged his tail approvingly, and the rose tree tops, as +I fancied, waved me a God speed; and the wind whispered joyously; +and the birds flirted and sported before me on the sandy road, and +tuned their songs to the temper of my feelings. + +Between me and Tray there existed the uninterrupted friendship of a +lifetime, the recollections of which I have sometimes thought of +writing for the benefit of future generations, seeing that to write +one's recollections, (to which may be added the recollections of +others,) is become extremely fashionable. Tray had been my companion +in many an adventure, all of which I thought he at this moment +treasured in his memory, and would have recounted were he possessed +of the power of speech. Having ascended a piece of rising ground, +about a mile from the house, I sat down by the road side, intending +to take leave of him and send him back, according to the request of +my mother. He immediately planted himself close by my side, laid his +great paw incessantly upon my knee, and, with looks of regret, would +have expressed the friendship he bore me with caresses. Indeed there +seemed a hidden goodness in his heart, a nobleness that caused the +current of his friendship to flow with much gentleness, and a +singleness in his mute appeals to my approbation, that I could not +help contrasting with the insincerity of those dogs who go about the +world on two legs, and imagine themselves most valiant when +devouring one another. + +After resting for a few minutes, and casting a longing look over the +scene behind me, recalling, as it did, so many old associations, I +told Tray that we must part; and that as he was now well down in +years, perhaps we should never more meet again. He seemed to +understand all I said to him, and, as I patted him gently upon the +head, repaid my friendship by caressing my hand, and turning upon me +several sympathetic looks. On telling him that he must go home, he +hung his head, and drooped his tail, and moved slowly into the road, +several times halting and casting reluctant looks back. Then he +stretched himself down in the sand, and placing his head between his +great paws, watched me out of sight. + +Having journeyed about two miles, I reached a cross-road, and saw +approaching one of those great wagons familiarly known in that part +of the country as "tin wagons." It was drawn by an exceedingly lean, +gray horse; and a short, fat man, with a broad, florid face, beaming +with good nature, was mounted upon a high seat, made of a bundle of +sheepskins. He was squint eyed, spacious mouthed, and had a nose +that was flat to the end, which turned up in a short pug. His hair +was of a sandy color, and parted carelessly down the center; and his +dress was of well-worn gray satinet, which sat loosely upon his +rotund figure. His hat, of soft black felt, was drawn well down over +his low forehead, and but for his beard, which was thick and matty, +one might easily have mistaken him for a cross between a Dutch +washerwoman and a pumpkin-bellied quaker. + +His team moved along at a measured pace, as if keeping time to the +song he was singing, with great flow of spirits, for his own +entertainment. I waited until he came up, much amused at the manner +in which he every few minutes cracked his big whip. "Stranger!" said +he, in a shrill, squeaking voice, "which way are you +journeying?-what can I do to serve you this morning?" He reined up +his team, and dismounting in a trice, extended his hand with a +heartiness I was surprised to find in a stranger. "Jedediah Smooth, +the renowned fisherman, is my father, and I have set out in search +of fame and fortune," was my reply. At this he set his small, but +searching eyes upon me, and seemed confounded, the cause of which I +was not a little anxious to learn. + +"Son of the worthiest of fathers!" he exclaimed, in a voice of great +earnestness, "my delight at meeting one whose fame as a politician +has preceded him, knows no bounds." Again he shook my hand +fervently, as a pleasing delirium seemed to have seized upon his +senses. "Accidents are sometimes equal to conquests," he continued. +"Know, then, that you confront Major Roger Sherman Potter, commonly +called Major Roger Potter. Like a titillation of the fancy, I have +been thrown up and down by the tide of political fortune and +misfortune until I became sickened of it, and resolved to seek +obscurity, and live like an honest man by the sale of tin, and such +wares as the good people of this remote part of the world might have +a demand for. You must not judge me by the calling necessity has now +forced me to follow, for I hold it right, and in strict accordance +with the nature of our institutions, that when fortune forsakes us, +we stand not upon the order of a reputation, which at best is but a +poor thing in time of need, but give ourselves manfully to any labor +by which our hands may preserve the honesty of our heads. It is much +better, I think, than following the fashion of our politicians, who +reward the people who send them to Congress by neglecting their duty +to the country, and studying those arts by which they can +appropriate to themselves the choicest spoils." + +The Major now led his team a little out of the road, hung his feed +bag to his horse's head, and while the animal was eating, spread a +sheepskin upon the ground, under some elder bushes, and invited me +to sit down to a plentiful supply of crackers and cheese, to which +he added a quart of cider drawn from a small keg he kept secreted +under his box. He also discovered to me the fact, that in addition +to every variety of tin ware, mop handles, washboards, crimping +moulds, and wooden faucets, he kept a small supply of fourth proof +brandy, which he sold to those who had a want in that line for +winter strained sperm oil, a name convenient enough to suit all +purposes. In truth, the good people of the neighboring villages had +taken so strongly to the temperance cause, that no spiritous +liquors could be got of anybody but the doctor, and then only on a +certificate from the parson, who vouched for your good character, +and set forth that to the best of his belief, it would be used only +as a medicine. And the doctor, who had a scrupulous regard for all +good and well regulated communities, took a joint interest with the +parson, and so raised the price of this sort of medicine as to make +the trade an extremely lucrative one. But as the rich were never +known to be denied, and the poor had not money enough to enjoy so +expensive a cure for their maladies, which were greatest in number, +the popular enactment became not only a grievous, but a very +oppressive monopoly. And this monopoly the major, who esteemed +himself a great public benefactor, sought a cure for in selling for +three shillings a pint, an article equal in quality to that for +which the doctor and the parson demanded ten. But this, he said, +very good naturedly, he was compelled to do on the sly, for though +his customers were principally poor people, if it got noised abroad, +nothing could save him from the fury of a mob of pious and very +orderly people, who would get up town meetings and vote him down an +intolerable nuisance. This done, and the market for his tin pints +and washboards would be closed for ever. + +Having refreshed ourselves with the crackers and cheese and cider, +the Major very pleasantly commenced recounting a little affair of +honor he had been called upon to adjust but a few minutes before, +and as he was proud of his skill as a diplomatist, the recital +afforded him an infinite amount of pleasure. + +"Parsons and doctors," said he, taking a copious cup of cider, "no +doubt imagine themselves (and they have an undisputed right so to +do) to be the very embodiment of natural benevolence and inviolable +fidelity. But there are things of an opposite nature, to which their +hearts and inclinations are as susceptible as those of the tenderest +virgins. I was pursuing my journey this morning, when 'old Battle,' +my horse, who has smelled powder enough to make his nerves more +steady, pricked up his ears at something he saw in the bushes by the +roadside. Reining him up, I dismounted, and to my great surprise +discovered two well-dressed men fast asleep, locked in each other's +arms. 'Faith of my father!' says I, 'who's here?' A slightly +guttural sound was followed by a hoarse voice answering, 'It's only +me.' And then a lean figure, with two well-blacked eyes, and a face +otherwise disfigured, disconnected itself from its fellow, rose to +its haunches, and stared at me with wild dismay. A white neckcloth, +somewhat besmeared with blood, denoted his profession. On coming to +his senses he aroused his companion, and commenced charging him with +being the cause of the sad plight he was in. Neither seemed to have +a very distinct recollection of the event that had founed them in a +condition so disgraceful to them as respectable citizens; and the +other protested his innocence of any misdemeanor, but was equally at +a loss how to account for the disfigured face of his companion, and +was about charging the whole affair to a dispensation of Providence, +that being the most convenient and fashionable method for disposing +of such things. But the man of the disfigured face, who was no less +a person than Parson Stebbins, (and his companion the doctor, of +whom mention was made in the foregoing chapter,) clung tenaciously +to what he was pleased to call his love of facts, and said he would +come out with it all, that the truth of history might not be +impeached. + +"They had been spending the evening at your father's house, and were +regaled with cider of such uncommon strength as to make a deep +impression upon their sensibilities. The doctor declared they +drank nothing stronger, notwithstanding the parson accused him of +having a small flask in his pocket. It was late when they left the +house; and as they had been warmly discussing whether it was right +in the sight of God to hang a woman for killing her drunken husband, +without coming to any decision, they agreed to change the subject to +one of a theological character, it being absolutely necessary that +they have something to debate on their way home. The doctor inquired +of the parson, what he thought of the doctrine held by many popular +divines, that God made Moses and Elijah visible to the Apostles on +the occasion of the transfiguration. The parson, after pausing a few +moments, and remarking that he had a curious feeling in his head, +which seemed to sit unsafely upon his shoulders, replied that the +question was of too abstruse a nature to be debated by any but +members of his own profession, to which it of right belonged. If he +were to speak his mind it would be to give doctors in general no +very high reputation for either morals or religion. 'True history +never gave them much mention; and though Aristotle had treated their +vagaries with great condescension, Cicero never could be got to look +with favor upon them. Yours is a mischievous profession, the members +of which are always seeking the demolition of useful sciences.' This +the parson said in so angry a tone that it excited the pugnacity of +the doctor, who was scrupulous of his profession, and declared he +would not stand by and hear it slandered. + +"They had now staggered among some laurel bushes at the side of the +road, when the doctor, having inquired if the parson meant anything +personal, and not receiving an immediate answer, fetched him a blow +that felled him to the ground, and almost simultaneously followed +him. And now so great was his fear of having done him bodily injury, +that he seized him in his arms, and, thus embraced, they had slept +until I disturbed them. Each now commenced giving a confused version +of the affair, criminating and recriminating in a manner that only +served to increase the disgrace to which it attached. The doctor +protested his innocence of the deed, while the parson continued to +discant upon the consequences that would result from the +disfiguration of his features. At the same time they both intimated +their readiness to have me sit in judgment upon their affairs, and +accept my decision as final. + +"When they had put on their hats I bid them sit down upon a +moss-covered hillock, and hold their peace. Having done this with +great good nature, I seated myself on an opposite one, and commenced +to deliberate upon their case. The state of debility in which they +had unfortunately found themselves on the previous night must, +doubtless, be put down to the strength of the cider. The debility, +then, being acknowledged, neither could be held accountaable to the +other for acts committed while morally insane. As to the imputation +cast upon the medical profession by the parson, even were it done +when the mind was morally sane, it ought only to be set down to the +natural envy existing among members of different professions, and +was much to be deplored, for instead of one being ambitious to claim +a superiority over the other, they ought to regard themselves +coworkers in equally good causes, and for the advancement of a +common humanity. In order to settle the questions they had attempted +to debate, I proposed that they adopt the rule laid down by our +noisy Congressmen, each being satisfied in his own mind that he had +demolished the arguments of the other, and for ever settled the +question at issue. The battering they had given each other was a +thing of the past. Was it not better then to let a bygone be a +bygone, rather than seek a technical satisfaction, that while it +afforded the public some amusement would only bring themselves a +great deal of pain? They could no more recall the past than they +could make a set of rules for governing the appetites of the people. +There were always simpletons enough to believe that they could be +cured of consumption by taking such nostrums as cod liver oil and +Wistar's Balsam; so also would the world always be pestered with men +simple enough to believe that every man must square his inclinations +to the measure of their own. But one point now remained to be +deliberated upon, and that was how the doctor should atone to the +parson for his damaged face. I, however, soon overcame this, by +suggesting that it would be no more than right, and equally becoming +of a Christian, that the parson accept the doctor's deep regrets in +offset for the injuries he had received in his features. This the +parson, who was not to be outdone in his benevolence of soul, +readily acquiesced in; and thus was saved the trouble of calling in +the aid of a lawyer, who, with no earthly hope of restoring the +broken peace, would have made destructive inroads upon both their +pockets. The two now shook hands, and with expressions of the +highest esteem for each other, thanked me and took their departure +for home." + +I had my suspicions that this story was a romance of the Major's own +manufacture; nor were my suspicions dispelled by any subsequent act +of his. And notwithstanding he was ready at all times to redress the +wrongs of thirsty humanity, he kept a sharp eye to the equivalent, +and had an inveterate hatred of all who opposed his free trade +principles, which, in a measure, accounted for the story of the +doctor and the parson. In truth, he had the facility of an Arab for +manufacturing romances, which he used as a means to demolish his +enemies, as will hereafter be shown in this history. + + + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + +MAJOR ROGER POTTER RECOUNTS HIS NUMEROUS EXPLOITS IN WAR AND +POLITICS. + + + + + +HAVING finished the story with great sincerity of manner, the major +commenced to brighten and polish up his face with his handkerchief, +and to pack away his provender. This done, he bridled old Battle, +his horse, arranged his seat of sheepskins, and invited me to mount +and ride with him; for no sooner had I discovered to him the object +of my undertaking than he dubbed himself the luckiest of fellows, +offering to be my companion in arms, and the sharer of my fortunes. +Three loud cracks of the whip, and old Battle started off at a brisk +pace, the major adding that if we made haste we would reach +Barnstable by nightfall. As the wagon rolled over the road, a +cackling noise was kept up, much to my surprise and annoyance; this +I found was caused by a coop of disconsolate chickens, which the +major had bought on speculation, and fastened to the back of his +wagon, intending to make a good thing by selling them for Shanghais +whenever he could find a customer. + +"Now, although I know you so well by reputation, you may not have +heard so much of me as many others have. It is no great thing for a +major like me to be engaged in this sort of business, you will +think; but an honest living made by vending tin is better than a +fortune gained by fingering the affairs of the nation. Indeed I have +often thought a man was never so great as when he condescended to +make his living honestly. As you see, I have surrendered myself to +fortune, and am what some would call 'down in the world.' But I have +been up, and made a noise, and will make more when next I get up." +These remarks were delivered with such evident self-conceit, that I +was at a loss how to comprehend their meaning, and asked the major +to explain himself. + +After cracking his whip twice or thrice, he resumed, "My father, (he +is gone, God bless him,) was an honest shoemaker in the town of +Barnstable, where I was born and reared. Being poor, he could not +give me much schooling; but we lived comfortably, and enjoyed the +respect of the town people. I assisted him at his trade of making +shoes until I reached the age of two and twenty, being esteemed a +skillful mechanic. Joining the Barnstable Invincibles, a very +disorderly militia company, I was twice elected its captain, which +was considered a very good practical joke, the militia there being +in very bad odor with everybody but the young damsels of the town. +To my military title, then, I owe one of the most fortunate +circumstances of my life-that of getting a wife. And this wife, +though she bore my title the strongest love, was quite as good as I +deserved. In due time we were blessed with one, and then another +little Potter, and I began to thank heaven for making me the +happiest of men. A snug little home was the result of frugality and +industry, and peace reigned in it. But my wife was vain of my +military reputation, which she regarded as a hinge for taking a +higher position in the world. I must tell you that she cut two +clever speeches from an old newspaper, declaring that I must study +them, so that with a few alterations, (an art well understood by our +clergymen and politicians,) I could set up for a public man, making +them apply to all great questions with equal force. + +"Wife was of a good, puritanical family, and, as I afterwards had +reason to know, well understood how to push her husband up in the +world. I got the speeches down without the slightest difficulty." +Here the major wet his organs of speech with a little of something +he kept in a small flask he drew from his breast-pocket. "They were +fu l of blaze. In truth, I may say without fear of contradiction, +that a dozen patriots might have found room to roll up in them and +die gloriously. Still, it didn't seem to me much for a man to get a +speech into his head; so, after getting another, I found no +difficulty in getting twenty, all of which were applicable to +general subjects. The Tippecanoe fever then began to spread with +great virulency, and such was the power of its contagion that John +Crispin threw away his lapstone, and Peter Vulcan hung up his anvil, +and both went about the country delivering themselves of great +speeches, with which they deluded the simple-minded villagers, who +forced greatness upon them at every step. And so forcibly did the +opinion that they were great men take root with the good natured +mass, that the great men of the newspapers, and the kind-hearted +critics, who are greater, seconded the opinion, and set them down +for wonders. The ambition of my wife now knew no bounds. She +insisted that I should go to the next political meeting, and then +and there deliver one of the speeches I had got into my head, and +which I had twice spoken before her, that the variations might be +squared to the occasion. My shoe bench I sold for a trifle, and my +pegs and awls were consigned to the children for playthings. The +Tippecanoe side of politics being the most popular, as well as +profitable, I tied to it at once; and on going to the "Coon-meeting" +surprised and astonished every one with the power and arguments of +my speech. I may indeed humbly say, I flashed into greatness with +the quickness of lightning. Neither Cicero nor Lycurgus were ever, +in their day, thought so well of by the multitudes. It got noised +about that Webster would have to give up to me. And I am sure that +if the elder Adams or Jefferson had been living, they would have +been set down by the editors, in the gravest sentences they were +capable of penning, as mere shadows in comparison." + +Here the major paused to make room for the Provincetown stage; a +great yellow coach, full of passengers, which we had come upon +suddenly. The driver of the stage, not liking the slow pace in which +old Battle was proceeding to make room for him, laid his whip +briskly over his haunches, quickening his movements, but driving the +major into a furious passion. The sudden twitch landed us both upon +the sandy road, under the pile of sheepskins we had used for a seat. +In this dilemma the major called loudly for assistance, swearing +that if the stage driver would but stop he would give him battle to +his satisfaction. This only served to increase the mirth of the +passengers, who rather encouraged their mischievous driver, now +looking round and making grimaces at his adversary. The major, +however, was not long in extricating himself from the sheepskins, +when, for want of a better weapon, he seized a string of tin pints, +and running as fast as his short legs would carry him, hurled them +one after another at the stage coach. Ceasing to afford the +passengers this amusement only when his wind gave out, the major +swore by his military reputation that if they would only give him an +opportunity he would whip the stageload before breakfast, and think +it a mere trifle. The coach now rolled out of sight, and the major +sat down by the road side to contemplate the loss of his tin cups, +which like spilled apples, were strewn along the sand. It would not +do to suffer so great a loss, so he girded up his nether garments, +and commenced picking up his cups, lamenting their bruises as he +strung them upon his string. Finding that we sustained no other loss +than that of the major's temper, I set his team to rights, and, +having mounted the sheepskins, we were ready to proceed on our +journey. "Such an insult as that offered to me when I was in the +Mexican war," said he, mounting over the wheel with one of those +expletives much used among soldiers, "and I had demolished the lot +at a stroke of my sword. Zounds! why can't stage drivers be +gentlemen?" + +This was the first intimation I had had of his being a hero of the +Mexican war. Regaining his good humor soon after, I resigned him the +reins, and he desired me to tell him at what point of his story he +had been interrupted. Having done this, he resumed its thread as old +Battle jogged on at his usual slow pace. "I now took up the trade of +politics," he continued, "and went about the country, making +speeches and demolishing everything that came in my way. I had ideas +enough for any number of speeches, no matter what the length might +be; but the evil was how to put the sentences together. I could make +points such as Cicero and Lycurgus never thought of; as for +patriotism, there was no trouble about that. I had a dozen platforms +at my fingers' ends, and could move an audience equal to Lamartine. +Here then was my game, and at it I made a nice thing. The editor of +the "Provincetown Longbow," who was celebrated for making at least +two Cabinet ministers a day, declared to his readers that it was +lucky for the era that my great wisdom had been discovered; that it +would be a great wrong in General Harrison to offer me any less +office than Secretary of State. The "Barnstable Pocketbook," a +clever little sheet, edited by Miss Holebrook, who snapped her +political whip in the teeth of the town, and had come off conqueror +in many a tilt with editors in breeches, was willing to compromise +with he of the Longbow, by assuring its readers that only two years' +study of law would make me an excellent judge of the Supreme Court. +These well bestowed encomiums, (as I think they are called,) so +elated my wife that she speedily took to giving tea parties, to +which all the majors and generals of the town were invited. And as +they demolished the hospitality of her teacups they made her believe +the nation never could get along unless I had two fingers in its +affairs. + +"My children, before as distasteful as the butter one gets in New +York hotels, were now so sweet that the whole town wanted to kiss +them. And the parson, who had scarcely been known to say, 'how do +you do, Mrs. Potter,' now made his calls so frequent, and his bows +so gracious, that the neighbors said it would be as well to have an +eye out. I got fifteen dollars and my feed, for each speech. Now and +then an inspired soul threw in an extra five. So that at the end of +two months I had funds enough to establish a bank in Wall street, +with three branches in the country. My credit, too, received an +unlimited extension. And this my wife took advantage of to new +furnish the house and haberdash the little Potters. I contented +myself with drawing on the tailor for two suits of his best +broadcloth, such as would appertain to a politician so +distinguished. But in truth I must confess, without blushing, that +my wife was not long in contracting debts a richer man would have +found difficulty in paying. + +"However, having cleared away all doubts and elected Harrison, whom +I was careful to see safe into the arms of the people, my friends +all advised me to set out for Washington, where such abilities as I +had discovered could not fail of being rewarded by the government +they had so ably served. + +"As a military title was held indispensable to the success of a +politician, the Barnstable Invincibles elected me Major, an honor +which could not be overlooked by the politicians at Washington, +whose business it is to give offices and save the Union. So, with +the praises of two newspapers and the well-wishes of the town, I set +out for Washington, believing that the chief magistrate, in the +exercise of his great wisdom, would reward me with at least a +foreign mission." + + + + + + +CHAPTER V. + +WHICH TREATS OF HOW THE MAJOR FELL AMONG POLITICIANS AND OTHER NEW +YORK VAGABONDS. + + + + + +HAVING paused a few moments to moisten his lips, for the day was +excessively warm, the Major spoke a few encouraging words to old +Battle, and resumed his story. + +"If wisdom becometh the great, money is not to be despised by the +politician, I thought. So, having stocked my purse with not less +than two hundred dollars, I arrived safely in New York and put up at +the Astor House, an hotel in high favor with ex-secretaries and +dilapidated politicians, inasmuch as the worthy landlord accepts the +honor of their being guests of his house in satisfaction of his +bills. It was night when I arrived, and the splendor and strangeness +of everything around bewildered and confused me so much, that I +forgot to put the prefix of 'Major' to my name, when I registered it +in the big book. And this single omission had the effect of +consigning me to an attic room in the ninth story. Having intimated +an objection to this lofty position, the polite waiter said it was +the most convenient room in the house, since, in case of a fire +breaking out I could use the sky-light, and, having gained the roof, +would be rescued by the firemen with their scaling ladders; whereas, +a lower position would render me liable to be blockaded and devoured +by the rush of flames. I told the polite waiter, who was a gifted +Irishman, and though not four months in the country, had taken to +politics like a rat to good cheese, that he was entitled to my +thanks for the information. An intimation, however, that I was a +Major of some renown, surprised the gifted Irishman not a little. +That he conveyed the news to my worthy host I had not a doubt, since +on the following day I was removed to a spacious room on the second +story. + +"On descending to the great supper room, I was accosted by one +General John Fopp, of the Tippecanoe Club, who congratulated me on +my safe arrival in the city. Being extremely easy in his manners, +and apparently ready to render me services of no mean importance, I +invited him to join me in a cup of tea, which invitation he was not +slow to accept. Being much impressed with his dignity of manner, and +the glibness with which he discoursed upon the events of the last +campaign, I listened to him with profound respect. He said he would +see that my name was duly chronicled in the newspapers, not a few of +which he assured me he had full control over. In fine, nothing that +could serve the interests of one who had made himself so famous +during the late campaign was to be left undone. He knew every speech +I had made by heart, as he said; and he had the name of every town I +had been in at his fingers' ends. Indeed, so varied were his +accomplishments, that I at once set him down for one of those great +men, in the possession of whom New York is more fortunate than her +sister cities, and of whose merits strangers, for divers reasons, +have had occasion to speak with great confidence. + +"When the newspapers had faithfully recorded my arrival and given an +undoubted history of my doings in politics, I was to be introduced +to the Collector and Postmaster, both of whom, though differing with +me on great national questions, would receive me as became gentle- +men. The Mayor, too, would receive me at the City Hall, in presence +of the Common Council, and review the police, which body of men had +become, under the new order of things, more devoted to beards and +brandy than the good order of the city. He said I must be careful +not to accept the invitations of councilmen to drink, for they were +sure to saddle the payment upon their guest, to say nothing of their +lately adopted art of making invitations a means of supplying their +own wants in the article of liquor. And as drinking had become their +most distinguishing characteristic, perhaps it would not be amiss to +defend myself, he said, after the fashion of our smaller +politicians, who, as a general thing, invited councilmen to confer +with them at the bar, and left the settlement to be arranged between +them and the host. + +"On finishing our tea, the General was kind enough to say he would +show me over the city. He could not, however, introduce me to the +Coon-club that night, seeing that it had adjourned and gone on a +frolic. Only too glad to accept the services of a companion so +valuable, I joined him, and we were soon at the door of the Broadway +Theater, where the General, to his great surprise, discovered that +in the change of his vest that evening (he had foregone the pleasure +of a very fashionable party in the Fifth Avenue to do me ample +honor) he had omitted to replace his purse. I begged he would not +mention it, drawing forth the required sum. With great apparent +mortification he begged me to disburse the trifle and consider it +all right in the morning. This I was only too glad to have the honor +of doing. + +"An highly colored melodrama, in four acts, one of which was laid in +each of the four quarters of the globe, (and if there had been a +fifth, the cunning author would have had an act for it,) was +proceeding at a stormy pace, the principal character being +personated by a gentleman of color, the audience, I thought, were +trying to emulate in loudness of talking. My new companion seemed to +have an extensive acquaintance, for he introduced me to no less than +twenty judges of the Supreme Court, whose good opinion, he said, it +was well to cultivate, and many other persons, not one of whom was +less than a major-general of the Ninth Regiment, a corps somewhat +celebrated for its courageous marching and counter-marching up +Broadway. Of the etiquette that ruled among the military heroes of +New York I knew but little; nor was I well acquainted with the +accomplishments necessary to her judges: but it was impossible to +suppress the thought, that if soliciting treats of strangers were +regarded as a qualification, they could not be beaten, though the +whole Union were put to the test. And so excessive were their duties +in taking care of the Union, that their faces had assumed a deep +purple color. + +"Ascending several flights of stairs, we, by great exertion, reached +what was called the 'third tier,' which lofty domain was, by the +generosity of the manager, set apart for damsels whose modesty and +circumspection would not permit of their occupying seats in the +dress circle. I, however, noticed in them an audacity of manner that +did not appertain to such artless beings as my companion would have +me believe them. It struck me, too, that the toilet of these artless +damsels was not what it should be. Indeed, there was an extravagance +of color, and scantiness at both ends of their drapery, that both my +mother and grandmother would have set down as in extremely bad +taste. My companion soon cleared up this little matter, by informing +me that the toilet of these artless damsels, so bright in color and +scanty in places, was in strict keeping with the standard of fashion +adopted by the very best society, which was to be more undressed +than dressed, that the devil-who always wanted to look in-might see +for himself. + +"What there was lacking in drapery, to save my emotions, I might, my +friend said, make up in the color of my imagination. They were all +the daughters of rich bankers in Wall Street; hence no one had a +right to interfere with their mode of dress. Stewart, at whose +shrine of satins and silks ten thousand longing damsels worshiped, +owed his fortune to their love of bright colors. And although he had +filled two graveyards with ruined husbands, and was preparing a +third for the great number of wives whose constancy he had crushed +out with the high price of his laces, no one was simpleton enough to +blame him. No matter how many sins of extravagant men he might have +to answer for, the purchase of seven pews in Grace Church, and the +good will of Brown, would secure his redemption. Stewart was a hero +whose deeds should be recorded in history, and to whose memory a +monument ought to be raised in every fashionable graveyard; and upon +which it would be well to inscribe an epitaph written by Brown, the +sexton. + +"My companion said he would (and he did) introduce me to several of +these daughters of rich bankers, which was very kind of him. The +unrestrained quality of their speech at first struck me as being a +little curious, such indeed as I was not accustomed to; but I found +them extremely easy to become acquainted with, and in nowise +prudish. They did, however, keep up a suspicious intimacy with a +brilliantly lighted, though not very fragrantly scented, saloon on +the left. In this I was assured there was nothing improper, inasmuch +as it was sanctioned by the customs of the best society in New York, +and much frequented by the Mayor and Aldermen. + +"One of the damsels, whose winning smiles excited the filaments of +my heart with joy, condescended to express an enthusiastic +admiration for my watch-chain, while another very modestly said she +would owe me a lasting obligation if I would lend her my watch, that +she might wear it at the Tammany Hall ball, to which she was invited +by one of the managers. She pledged her honor, of which she seemed +to have a large stock, to return it safe. As it was the first favor +she had ever condescended to ask of a gentleman, she felt sure I +could not deny a lady. Notwithstanding my respect for rich bankers +and their daughters, I begged that she would excuse me in this +instance, and charge to my poverty what might otherwise seem a want +of generosity. She said she would sing to me, and be the light of my +dreams; but even this failed to impress me with a due respect for +her desires. With that penuriousness characteristic of bankers, +their papas, it was clear, had not stocked their purses with change +enough to cover their wants, which habitually ran to ice-water and +something in it. + +"It was clear they took me for a country bumpkin instead of a great +politician, and were inclined to make much of my excess of +simplicity. Motioning my companion that it was time to be going, I +expressed the great delight their company had afforded me, and took +my leave, promising to pay them another visit at no very distant +day. I now began to mistrust my companion, whose deportment did not +seem to square with that which I had been accustomed to associate +with great generals. But he was tailored and barbared after the +manner of gentlemen, and was likewise excessively smooth of tongue. + +"On turning to depart, my companion reminded me that it was +customary on such occasions for all distinguished persons to present +each of the artless young ladies with a golden dollar, which they +preserved as a fund, intending, when it became sufficiently large, +to start a 'Journal of Civilization,' in which the literature of +other lands was to be much improved for the benefit of this. The +'Journal of Civilization' was not to be considered a reflex of free +brains, but rather as a reflex of free stealing, which was to be +advocated at great length in its columns. Its general department +would, my companion told me, be devoted to the histories of great +historians, commencing with Jacob Abbot and ending with Peter +Parley. Of its politics not much was to be said, seeing that they +were written by my learned friend, Doctor Easley, author and +compiler of 'The Polite Speech Maker,' and ought never to be taken +as meaning what they said. Sharpeye and Scissors were to be honored +with the post of general editors; and the musical department, which +it was intended should be strong enough to drown all weak +instruments, had been consigned to three magnificent harpers, who +were capable of climbing a gamut of any number of notes. Neither had +tuned their harps very extensively to home literature, the love they +bore it being of the chastest kind; and though they were capable of +conferring princely endowments upon it, they had turned a deaf ear +to all its cries and distresses. + +"Not seeing the enlarged benefits that were to flow from this +Journal of Prospective Civilization, nor having any great faith in +the quality of civilization stolen literature would confer upon a +nation, I preferred to distinguish my generosity by a more national +and less tricky example. This, I observed, did not give satisfaction +to the damsels, who turned away with a look of contempt, and no +doubt to this day entertain a very poor opinion of me. + +"When we had reached the street my companion very modestly said +there were not less than a thousand curious places a politician +should visit before being qualified for taking a high position among +his fellows. Many of these were established for the benefit of poor +men in pursuit of fortunes, which it was absurd to think could not +be got without a too strict adherence to truth and probity. First, +he said, he would introduce me to the high priest of the Pewter Mug, +which was the Star Chamber of Tammany, though many simple-minded +people residing in the rural districts had mistaken it for the place +in which Mr. Beecher, the reverend, wrote his celebrated star +letters. No famous politician or statesman ever visited New York +without scenting its pure atmosphere. And even Marcy himself, who, +notwithstanding his grievous fault of quoting great authors, would +be written down in history as a knight of diplomatists, had been +heard to say (he was a frequenter of the Mug) that he owed the +profoundness of his wisdom to the quality of the beverages there +served. And as the first dawn of his generosity was supposed to have +broken forth in this compliment to the accommodating high priest, it +did him infinite credit in the future. + +"A little reflection, however, produced a second thought. If I were +as invulnerable as Virgil's witch, I could survive the process of +initiation, for then I could enchant the faithful, who were +politicians whose metal had been hardened in the furnaces of the +custom-house, and had passed enactments, which they enforced with +great rigor, that no country-made politician should be admitted +unless he could drink and stand sober under thirty-two brandy +cobblers per day, and was able to treat each member to his daily +ration of an equal number, for the space of two weeks. + +"Promising my companion that I would profit by his valuable hint, we +turned into Duane Street, and, after groping our way up one of its +wet and narrow alleys, halted at the cellar-door of a dilapidated +little house that seemed to have been ignominiously crammed in +between two dead walls and left for an owl roost. I was never +wanting in courage, as my companions in Mexico can assert, but I +confess that a sort of shaky sensation came over me just then. This +was observed by my companion, who hoped I would not be alarmed, +since the place we had arrived at was nothing more than the +celebrated locofoco 'nest number three,' the members of which had +their head quarters at Tammany Hall and the Irving House, and were +very respectable men, and good working politicians. A less +inquisitive man than a citizen of Cape Cod is acknowledged to be, +could not have failed to discover the artifice. But my enthusiasm +carried away my discretion; and, after descending six slippery +steps, we came to a door upon which my companion gave two loud +knocks, and placed his ear to the crevice. Mutterings, in a tongue +very like the Tuscan, were interspersed with loud swearings, which +were in turn diffused with curious whisperings. Another loud knock, +and a peremptory demand from my companion, and the door was +cautiously opened by a witchlike figure, the hideous face of which +protruded apace, and then shrank quickly back, as if to present me a +commentary of what I might expect within. + +"'Rise, strike a light, and let the quality of metal you are made of +be seen!' said my companion, as he stepped inside. The light of a +tallow candle, in the hand of a half-shirtless figure, with bruised +face and upright hair, discovered a cellar about twenty by sixteen +feet, and seven high. The man of the shirt and candle, I took for +the high priest of the locofoco nest number twenty-three, so nimbly +did he mount a little counter at the further end, and set to +arranging his bottles and glasses, thinking, no doubt, that he had +caught a customer of extensive generosity. The atmosphere was thick +and gloomy; nor was it rendered purer by the fourteen stalwart +fellows who lay stretched at full length upon half-emptied whiskey +barrels, and seemed much devoted to shattered garments, disfigured +faces, and collapsed hats. 'Here,' my friend said, 'is your true +working politician, who has no fear of the infernal regions, and +never thinks of heaven.' At a word from him, they rose to their +feet, though not without an effort, and having given their hats an +extra tip, and thrust their hands into places where pockets ought to +have been, and let drop a few words of discontent, like my learned +friend Easley once said Calypso did, they seized tumblers and ranged +up to the counter, forming a most striking panorama of dejected +faces. 'I love and reverence these men,' said my companion, modestly +suggesting that I must do myself the honor of paying for their +medicine, 'since they were extremely useful in absorbing the refuse +liquor made at our distilleries, and keeping up the respectability +of the party to which they belong. Indeed, they are not the base +fabric of the vision you might take them for; they are all pensioned +members of the Empire Club, a very disorderly body of men, of whom +it is said that no man can be elected President of the United States +without first consulting their approbation.' + +"They held their peace, and drank with great apparent experience. I +did not dispute my companion's assertion, that they had rendered +noble service during many a campaign, and were capable of rendering +much more; still, my opinion of politicians in general was in no way +heightened by their appearance. Being disappointed in their ends and +aims at the last election, they now stood much in need of a trifle, +with which to pay Bishop Hughes for praying a recently-deceased +brother through purgatory, a service he never performed without +feeling the money safe in his palm. All at once they set up a howl +like midnight wolves, which so alarmed me that I hastened into the +street, where my companion soon joined me, saying it was a way they +had of expressing a joke. Not being accustomed to the ways of +working politicians of the New York school, I made my way as fast as +possible into Broadway, when, to my surprise, I discovered that my +watch had parted company with me. My companion was equally +surprised, offered me any number of regrets, and said he would go +back and have every political vagabond arrested and locked up in the +Tombs, where, if his acquaintance with the judge was not of too +intimate a nature, the thief would be detected and punished in the +morning. + +"Pausing for a moment, a second thought, he said, satisfied him that +to seek redress by so bold a course would not be good policy. The +thief would have gone off with his booty, hence it would be better +to remain quiet until morning, when, having come back to hold +consultation with his fellows on some question of politics, as was +customary with them, the services of a detective would do the rest. +Just as we were debating this subject a well-dressed man advanced +toward us, and, stooping down, picked up a corpulent pocket-book, +with the possession of which he seemed not at all easy. 'Friend,' +said the man, 'I am an honest Quaker, can'st thou tell me if thou +art the owner of this, for I leave for my home in Albany in the +morning, and want not to be burdened with it.' After an exchange of +civilities that satisfied me he was a gentleman, I told him it was +none of mine. He insisted however, that I take possession of it, and +in the morning pursue measures to have it restored to its rightful +owner." And what followed will be recorded in the next chapter. + + + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + +WHAT BEFELL MAJOR RODGER POTTER, AND HOW HE FOUND HIMSELF OUTWITTED. + + + + + +KNOWING how well modesty becomes greatness, I listened with profound +attention to the major's story. Every now and then he would relieve +my feelings by suggesting that the most interesting part of it was +yet to come. We had now pursued our journey some fifteen miles under +a burning sun, when we came to a running spring, beside which the +major drew up his team, and, dismounting, proceeded to fill his +bucket. Having drank of the limpid water from one of his tin cups, +and placed the bucket before old Battle, whom he patted with great +fondness, the major next proceeded to take care of his disconsolate +chickens, which for the last three miles had been keeping up an +opera of discordant sounds, to his great annoyance. Uncovering his +coop, which he carried at the tail of his wagon, he set two tin cups +of water before them, and scattered moistened meal at their feet, +enjoining them to hold their peace in the future. And while in the +act of doing this, he reminded me that great men were exalted by +small things, and however bemeaning the nursing of chickens might be +regarded in a military man, there was in it a nobleness the great +only could appreciate. The chickens, however, did not seem to +appreciate his sacrifice of dignity, for they devoured their food +with an increase of music. Having attended to the wants of his live +stock, the major frisked round his wagon to see that his wares were +all safe, and then commenced singing a song, as if a transport of +joy had suddenly come over him. "I tell you what it is, my friend," +said he, pausing in the middle of his tune, and drawing his favorite +flask from his breast pocket, "the world 'll think none the less of +us for traveling thus shabbily. There may be nothing courtly in the +profession of tin-peddling, yet it is an honorable enterprise, and +has its obstacles as well as other honorable enterprises." I +besought him not to make himself uncomfortable on my account; that I +was not yet so famous that I could not ride over the country on a +tin-wagon, without feeling it a sacrifice of dignity. + +We now sat down by the spring together, and proceeded to refresh +ourselves with his crackers and cheese, to which I added a +newly-baked pumpkin pie my mother, in the outpouring of her +simplicity, had slipped into my haversack; and while regaling +ourselves in this unpretending manner, the major, whose ardor was +rather increased by the liquid he mixed with his water, resumed the +recital of his first adventure in New York: "Being desirous of +facilitating the Quaker's honesty, my companion, General Fopp, +suggested an easy way of disposing of the matter. The pocket-book, +he said, no doubt contained an enormous amount, which the unlucky +owner would be anxious to regain as early as possible in the +morning, and to that end would advertise in all the newspapers, +offering a large reward to the lucky finder, as an inducement for +him to preserve his honesty. The first step then would be to find a +convenient place for counting the contents of the pocket-book, and +considering the amount which could be properly offered the Quaker, +as the reward of his honesty. So, after consulting within myself for +some few minutes, I followed my companion and the Quaker into the +back parlor of a cigar shop, where we carefully counted the great +roll of notes, and found the amount to be exactly four thousand +three hundred and twenty-two dollars, which nice little sum, +together with papers of great value, showing the owner, one Henry +Paterson, to be a man of large dealings in Wall-street, were +entrusted to my care. My companion expressed his inability to trust +himself with so large an amount of property, especially as the +servants at his hotel were proverbially inclined to take liberties +with other people's goods. At my request, he said he thought two +hundred and fifty dollars would be a moderate consideration, since +the owner would no doubt value the restoration of his property at +twice that sum. I was not possessed of so large a sum; but being +anxious not to wrong the Quaker, whose quiet demeanor completely won +my confidence, I produced one hundred and fifty dollars, which he +accepted, saying it was much more than he expected. My political +companion said the air of contentment with which he accepted the +reduced sum, was in every way becoming, and bespoke him a worthy +gentleman. As a precaution I took a receipt for the amount, which +Greely Hanniford (for such was the Quaker's name) signed, and took +his departure. My companion said he would do himself the honor of +calling upon me at eleven o'clock in the morning, an earlier hour +being considered very unfashionable among military men. He would +then, if necessary, bear testimony to the transaction. It was now +twelve o'clock, and bearing me company as far as the Astor House +steps, he exchanged civilities and took his departure, having first +slipped a card into my hand, upon which was inscribed in neat +letters, 'General Fopp, 32 Pleasant-side Row.' Pleasant-side Row +being a mystery to me, I retired to bed thinking of my first night's +adventure in our modern Babylon, and awoke early in the morning to +regret that delay in the pursuit of my mission might cause grievous +injury to the nation." + +Again, we bridled old Battle, and proceeded slowly on, the sun being +intense enough to dissolve both our brains, and the major cutting +short the thread of his story by saying we would dine with Mrs. +Trotbridge, whose house we ought to reach by high noon. + +"However, it was neither here nor there," the major resumed; "I knew +that no military man of any distinction could escape the formalities +and ceremonies it was necessary to go through before being regularly +enstated into the good graces of New York society, and so gave +myself up to the policy of making the best of it. I got up, and +after making divers inquiries of waiters found straying along the +confused labyrinth of passages, got down stairs. My first business +was to search in all the morning papers for the man of the lost +treasure in my possession; I read them all only to be disappointed. +Nor had the companion of my adventure remembered to have my arrival, +with becoming comments, put in all the papers, as he had pledged his +honor to do, having, as he said, an unlimited control over them. I +carefully consulted the columns of the Herald. And though I +discovered in the editor a love for sharpening up his battle-axe, +and making splinters of his fellows at least twice a week, not a +gleam of light was thrown upon the man whose loss I felt it in my +heart would be his ruin. I contemplated the wants and anxieties of +those who sought to make them known therein, and smiled at the +curious manner in which a thousand ambitious individuals expressed +their readiness to supply the wants of others. I turned to the +Tribune. But neither in the gravely-spun philosophy of its +editorials, nor among the pearls of its advertisement columns, could +I find a word to relieve my anxiety. The sages who are supposed by +the knowing ones to jot things down in that very consistent +inconsistent journal, had likewise forgotten to mention my name; +which apparent neglect much discomposed my mind. I was, however, +somewhat relieved by a friend, who informed me that it was in their +true spirit. One of the waiters told me with an air of great wisdom, +that the Tribune never took up military men except to set them down +with bruises. This waiter was a gifted Irishman, and a great +politician. During a sweet little touch of a rebellion, or a famine +(which are about the same) in his country, he had read the Tribune +twice a day to his wife, Biddy Regan, who expressed herself +delighted at the forked lightning style it then kept up in defense +of the rights of her fifty first cousins. + +"Eleven o'clock arrived, but no General Fopp came. Anxious to +relieve myself of the treasure, I approached the highly perfumed and +somewhat rotund clerk, whose bows were worth at least a quarter +eagle, and related the story of my adventure to him. The jewels his +shirt was bedazzled with seemed to brighten, while his face radiated +smiles, in which it was not difficult to read that he set me down +for a simpleton. He took the pocket-book into his hand, and saluting +me by my military title, inquired how many banks my companion of the +adventure proposed to start in Wall Street. Just then I remembered +that the generous fellow did propose starting ten or so; and, in +addition, that he pledged one half of Wall Street that, at no very +distant day, I would be president of these United States. + +"The clerk now smilingly counted the bills, all of which he +pronounced, to my utter astonishment, on banks that existed only in +the mischievous imagination of some knight of the order of +vagabonds, which ruled the city, moulding things to its liking, and +had fortified itself in a castle of brass. I stood as if transfixed +to the floor. My reputation, my money, my hopes of a foreign +mission-all were gone. I expressed my regret that the man should +have so little respect for his military reputation. The clerk, +however, relieved me on that point, by stating that nothing in the +world was easier than to be a general in New York, and that the +individual who had gained a victory over me was no doubt one of that +particular species of military heroes so numerously dispersed about +all the street corners of Broadway, and who now and then find it +good for their health and courage to take a trip to Europe, where +titles command better attention. As for the Quaker, Greely +Hanniford, he was no doubt a major of the General's division. + +"I was anxious to keep this matter as quiet as possible, bearing the +loss like a philosopher, and forming a resolution in my mind never +again to be taken in by a New York general. I observed, however, +that two bearded vagabonds (such at least I took them for) in hats +of priests, came suspiciously up, for the discovery made some stir, +and took down all that was said. And this was, by these malicious +historians, (as the polite clerk informed me they were,) put in all +the afternoon newspapers. I now began to think this was what the +cunning rogue meant by saying he would have my arrival recorded, +with proper comments; for indeed the comments were of a character +that might have satisfied a major of much more renown. One sagacious +fellow, after reciting what he was pleased to set down as my +political history, and the political history of all my shoemaker +ancestors, at whose honest calling he tipped a sneer, as is common +with the learned men of our very republican press, expressed his +regret that so sharp a politician should have been made the victim +of an ordinary sharper, but thought it quite likely we had been +visiting temples of the unclean together, such being the favorite +resorts of politicians. Another equally sagacious fellow said, that +the least harmless view he could take of the matter was, that the +distinguished major had permitted his political enthusiasm to carry +off his discretion, and had kept hours in the company of a stranger +too late to find an excuse with respectable people. A third said, +the whole affair looked very suspicious; and for the character of +politicians, he hoped there was quite as much innocence in the +major's story as he seemed anxious to have appear on its face; but +he very much doubted if such honesty was a good recommendation to +one in pursuit of a foreign mission." + + + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + +IN WHICH IS RELATED HOW PLEASANTLY THE MAJOR TOOK HIS MISFORTUNES. + + + + + +"AFTER these cunning scribblers had exhausted their ingenuity in +moulding for me a character so scurvy, that the man who holds up +buildings at street corners could not be got to pick it up, and had +laid at my door charges that would have brought tears into the eyes +of all my ancestors, they wheeled suddenly about, took back all they +had said, threw glory at my feet, and, to the end of doing mankind a +benefit, held me up as a model major. They were all ready to make me +any number of promises, to render me any reasonable service, and to +follow me to battle. Had I offered them a consideration, no doubt it +would have been refused with splendid contempt. + +"Mine host of the Astor, who was a shrewd fellow, thought the +character of his house damaged, and must needs consult his honor, +the Mayor. That high functionary, knowing the agility with which +such heroes as Fopp exercised their heels, gave out no encouragement +of catching the rascal. Had it been a scamp, who by his winning +manners deceives inconsolable widows, seduces artless damsels, and +otherwise exercises his skill in the art of fascinating females, his +Honor had been after him with all the courage of his police force. +But as it was merely taking in a stranger, the matter, his Honor +thought, had better be stopped, since the degree and quality of the +crime was so like that known as 'sharp practice' in Wall street, +that to punish one and let another go free would only be manifesting +a strange disregard of equal justice. And the landlord was too +shrewd a fellow not to know that to employ detectives, who were +costly men to move, would entail an expense greater than the sum +lost, without mending the damaged reputation of his house. I +therefore contented myself with the satisfaction of having had my +character restored to me by the newspapers. + +"A different turn now came in my affairs, and finding it was only a +harmless custom of the editors to make splinters of a great public +man, I invited them to a sumptuous dinner, which they set upon with +an appetite equaled only by that displayed by them while devouring +my character. But, on the whole, they were a jolly set of fellows +-quite as jolly as one could desire. If they entertained a +magnificent dislike for one another, it was to be set down to a +spirit of commercial rivalry, which, though it might work out good +in some instances, was of itself to be deplored, inasmuch as it had +nothing in common with that generosity of soul which should rule +universal among men of letters." + +I found the dinner a specific antidote for a bruised character, for +no sooner had my literary friends eaten it than they were ready to +outdo one another in saying good things of me. One cunning fellow +told his readers that the election of General Harrison was entirely +owing to the wisdom I had distilled into the minds of the people of +Cape Cod. And though I never had even scented the perfumery of war, +another said that as a military man I had no superior. Concerning my +mission, they were all sure no testimony they could bear would add +one jot to my transcendent ability for representing the nation +abroad. The government could not make so great a mistake as to +overlook me. + +"Heaven having given the editors great success in their arduous +business of restoring me to favor, I was received at once into the +embraces of fashionable society. Brown, who digs graves for departed +sinners, and provides the parties of our aristocracy with +distinguished people, called to inquire what evenings I was +'disengaged,' seeing that he had several openings on his list, which +was unusually select 'this week.' He secured invitations to nothing +but the most refined and wealthy society-that which gave receptions +merely for the sake of doing honor to persons so distinguished. +Genin sent circulars to say that hats of the latest pattern could be +got cheaper and better of him than any one else. Tiffany & Company, +in a delicately enveloped card, reminded me, (for Mrs. Potter's +sake, no doubt,) that their stock of jewelry was of the finest +description. Ball & Black sent to say that swords and other +appurtenances necessary to a military gentleman could be got of +them, much superior in quality, and cheaper in price, than at any +other establishment in Broadway, or, indeed, in the city. Stewart, I +was told, had just opened an invoice of India shawls, which he had +ticketed at twenty-five hundred dollars each. But as his motto was +quick sales and small profits, he was running them off at two +hundred dollars less. It was hinted that Mrs. Major Potter better +call early or they would all be gone. Had Mrs. Major Potter been the +sharer of my adventure, and exhibited so wanton a determination to +rush her husband into bankruptcy, as it appeared was the fashion +with the ladies of New York, then Mr. Major Potter had gone one way +and Mrs. Major Potter another." + +Here the major gave his whip two or three smart cracks, and bid old +Battle proceed at a more rapid pace, as his appetite caused him to +make sundry contemplations about the dinner he would get at the +house of Mrs. Trotbridge. + +"Well, seeing that I was up and popular," said the major, resuming +his story, "Townsend piled my room with circulars, saying his +sarsaparilla was the only kind used by politicians and military men, +who invariably pronounced it the cure for those diseases which, it +is charged by a Spanish writer, of great learning, are incident to +their professions. Brandreth sent me samples of his pills, which he +said were unequaled for purging politicians of all those ill humors +they were heirs to. And both (moved by Brown, no doubt) sent me +invitations to parties given in honor of me at their princely +mansions on the Fifth Avenue. Barnum, too, considering me a +remarkable curiosity, sent two tickets to his great show house, +which the vulgar called a museum. And the Misses Whalebone & +Gossamer sent to say that their assortment of baby clothes was of +the choicest description, and that they would be much pleased if +Mrs. Major Potter would call and examine for herself. + +"As I was always considered a good looking man," (the major, though +as ugly a man as could well be found, was extremely vain of his +looks,) "no end of sly looks were turned upon me at parties by +marriageable damsels, who mistook me for a single man on the look +out. As to young widows, why, the tears hung as temptingly in their +eyes as pearls. Whether they were for me or their deceased husbands, +I am not bound to say, self praise being no recommendation. It often +occurred to me, however, that marrying a widow would be an act of +charity heaven could not fail to record to the credit of any good +natured bachelor. + +"And this, too, I will say, that nothing could have been more +elegantly conducted than the parties to which I was invited. Indeed, +I saw no occasion for repaying hospitality after the manner of those +malicious writers, who take pleasure in sneering at the quality of +entertainment given by our aristocracy, merely because it is +composed of men who have got rich by the very republican business of +sailing ships and selling eatables. Now I by no means underrate the +man of letters who truly represents genius, or learning; but that +every dabbler in small satire should dub himself a man of letters, +and therefore set up for an idol before whom better men must bow, or +have their social affairs battered to pieces, is something I cannot +condescend to admit. By all means, if the little fellows will have a +court, let them have one of their own, and to their liking; for they +will quarrel over those ills they seem born to; and if they can +quarrel without interfering with the rights of others, the peace of +the earth may be preserved. In fine, I would have them cram +themselves into everything great and good, and ask only that they be +careful not to weaken those pedestals upon which our republic is +expanding itself. But enough of this. + +"Having passed through fetes of unequaled splendor the politicians +began to put questions to me, which, in many instances, it was not +convenient for me to answer, inasmuch as by a single word I might +commit myself to principles my party would not sanction. They, +however, took me into their keeping, and so delayed my journey to +Washington that I began to feel that I had got among friends of the +wrong kind." We were now entering a short curve in the road, between +two hills covered with chestnut trees, beneath which several lean +sheep were grazing, when the major's story was interrupted by the +shrill sound of a fishmonger's horn. + + + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +WHAT TOOK PLACE BETWEEN THE MAJOR AND THE FISHMONGER. + + + + + +A SOFT glow enhanced the beauty of the foliage on the hill side, +tottering stone walls lined each side of the road, and the crowing +of cocks, and the lowing of cattle, together with a pastoral view +obtained through the scraggy trees, betokened our near approach to a +farm house. "Let us forget politics and go in for a bit of trade +with this fishmonger!" said the major, as he jerked the reins, that +old Battle might take heed, and quicken his pace. Another blast from +the fishmonger's horn, and his wagon appeared in the road, +approaching at a rapid pace. The fishmonger, doubtless, thought +there was no trade to be had of a tin peddler, whose wares had +nothing in common with his own, and was about to drive by at a brisk +pace, when the major reined up old Battle, and half hidden in a +cloud of dust, cried out, in a thin, squeaking voice, "Ho! stranger, +what like for fish have you?" + +"Cod, haddock and bass," replied the fishmonger, who seemed as lean +and well starved as his horse, which was of a light sorrel color, +and presented so pitiable a pack of bones that no real +philanthropist could have looked upon him without shedding many +tears. The two tradesmen now got down from their respective wagons, +and approaching each other with hands extended, presented a +corporeal contrast one seldom sees in the rural districts of New +England, inasmuch as the fishmonger stood six feet in his +grain-leather boots, and was so lean of person that one might easily +have imagined him fed on half-tanned leather and Connecticut +nutmegs, while the major stood just five feet two in his stockings, +measured exactly twenty-seven inches across the broad disc of his +trousers, and had a belly equal to that of three turtle-fed aldermen +rolled into one. The major too, had a head very like a Wethersfield +squash stunted in the growth, with a broad, florid face, and a +spacious mouth, and two small eyes he could see at right angles +with. The fishmonger, on the other hand, was hatchet faced, had a +dilating jaw, and a vacant look out of his eyes, which were well +nigh obscured by the battered hat slouched down over his parchment +colored forehead. + +They began at once to raise their wares, to shake each other +cordially by the hand, and to exchange salutations of mutual +confidence. Old Battle, who had a deep fellow feeling for his +master, must needs imitate the affection he displayed for the +fishmonger, and to that end began to make free with his horse, +which, after sundry friendly bites of the mane, and otherwise +exhibiting himself in a manner very much unbecoming a horse of such +good morals, reared and had done serious damage with the bones of +the other, but for the interposition of his master, who separated +them with the stock of his big whip. Peace being restored, the +animals were removed to a respectful distance, and I was introduced +to the fishmonger as the greatest young politician ever known in +that part of the country. The major, it must here be recorded, +otherwise this history would be imperfect, was scrupulous not to +admit that a young politician, however brilliant his capacity, could +be equal to an old one. In this he differed but little from many +other great military politicians of my acquaintance. + +As the major seemed not to have a care for any other political +campaign than that which elected General Harrison, it was a custom +with him to inquire of every new acquaintance how he voted in that +event, before engaging in a trade with him. Having put the question +as a preliminary, the fishmonger replied that he had voted as good +and square a "Coon ticket" as any citizen in the town where he +lived, but that he received two pieces of gold for so doing, and +thought it no harm. + +"It is how a man votes," said the major, adding a nod of +satisfaction, "not what he gets for his vote. That's his business, +and except heaven, no one has a right to interfere. Here, take +these, know how much I esteem you, and remember when you drink your +cider out of them that I am your friend." Here the major took two +tin pints from his wagon, and having patted the fishmonger upon the +shoulder, presented them to him, with a speech very like that made +by a Mayor of New York, who, having dined with his board of +aldermen, holds it incumbent upon him to bestow praises the cunning +rascals know are meant for a jest. This done, the major drew forth +his flask, saying that it would be no more than good manners to +christen the pints. The fishmonger answered that he had no +objection, the weather being very oppressive. A stout draft was now +poured into each cup, and having myself declined, compliments and +bows, such as the fishmonger had never before received, were +exchanged, and the whiskey drank with great apparent satisfaction. + +"As the sun is warm, and my profits to day have not amounted to +much," said the fishmonger, with an air of stupidity that by no +means pleased the major, "I must hurry these ere fish through!" The +major expected a different return for his generosity, and reminded +his friend that he had not yet showed him a sample of his wares. At +the word, the other mounted his little box of a wagon, and in a +trice laid three cod and two flabby haddock upon the lid, declaring +they were as fresh and bright as a new-coined quarter. And though at +the most rapid pace his horse could travel, he was more than six +hours from the nearest sea-shore, he was ready to swear by the hair +of his head, of which he had but little, they were only two hours +caught. "Five cents a pound for the cod, and four for the haddock!" +ejaculated the fishmonger, raising a haddock by the gills, as if to +assert some near point to the notch it would bring down on the +steelyard. "Well, to you, here, have the cod for four and a half; +that's offsettin' your good turn, and I make it a point never to be +out of the way with a fellow trader." Saying this, he hung a codfish +to the hook of his steelyards, and finding seven pounds marked, said +thirty cents would cover the cost, that being a cent and a half more +off. Generosity, the Major saw, was not bait that tempted the +fishmonger to reciprocity. "I should like two of them at the price +you name; but as paying cash is not in my line, perhaps we can +trade, somehow? By my military reputation, I never let a chance to +trade slip. Yes, by my buttons, I made a good thing of it when at +the head of my regiment in Mexico." This the major said by way of +softening the fishmonger's generosity; but that honest-minded +individual replied in the following laconic manner: "Bin in Mexaki, +eh? Darn'd if I'd like to bin there." + +The major, not at all pleased with the unimpressable nature of the +fishmonger, said, somewhat curtly, that no one cared whether he +would or not. "However, here's at you for a trade," continued the +major, adding that generosity was the surest road to fortune. And +having bid him hang another cod to his steelyards, he drew from his +stock a small tin strainer, with which he offered to make a square +exchange for the fish. "Say the word, and it is done!" ejaculated +the major, patting the other upon the shoulder. The fishmonger shook +his head, and looked askant at the major, as if to say he would +rather be excused. The major now, out of sheer generosity, as he +said, and anxious, no doubt, to sustain the character of military +men, threw in a pint of number four shoe pegs, which article was +among his wares, and which he was ready to swear by his military +honor the people of Connecticut raised Shanghai chickens on. The +fishmonger said he did not know exactly what to do with the shoe +pegs; but as a New Englander was never at a loss to find a use for +every thing, and not wanting to be hard with a fellow trader, he +would call it a bargain. They now mounted their respective teams, +and drove on in opposite directions. + +A little red house, half buried under a hill side, interspersed with +scrubby trees and blackberry vines, now appeared in sight. This the +major described as the house of his dear good friend, Mrs. +Trotbridge, the widow of three husbands, and yet so young in feeling +that she was in daily expectation of getting a fourth. He never +failed to make her a present, and partake of her good cheer while +passing that way. The fish would be a great treat with the widow; +and though the strainer and shoe-pegs, for which they were +exchanged, did not "stand him in" more than a shilling, the fish +would rise up in her eyes to the worth of a jolly good dinner. + +Old Battle, recognizing the house as one he was accustomed to rest +and feed at, quickened his pace, and disturbing the repose of pigs, +chickens, and young ducks, nestling by the roadside, soon reached +the garden gate. Dismounting in great haste, the major bid me follow +him, and, leaving old Battle to take care of himself for the nonce, +hastened up the pathway toward the front door, for the house was +separated from the road by a narrow garden, enclosed with pickets, +and full of stunted shrubbery. The inmates of the house were soon +astir, and the major's name was, one might have thought, called from +every window. Then the basement door suddenly opened, and two +little, mischievous looking Trotbridges, scampered out to meet him, +and so clung about his short legs, and otherwise offered him proof +of the affection they bore him, as almost to impede his progress. +Mrs. Trotbridge, at the same time, appeared in the door, three or +four flaxen headed little members of the Trotbridge family clinging +at her skirts, and shaking their chubby fingers in ecstasy. Mrs. +Trotbridge stood at least an head taller than the major, and was in +figure so lean as to give one the idea that she had been pressed +between two opposite points of theology. Her face was worn and +wrinkled; her eyes small, gray, and staring, and fortified with a +pair of silver-bowed spectacles, which were incessantly getting down +upon her long, flat nose. Her complexion, too, was the color of alum +tanned sheep skin. The major's arrival was evidently a great event +with the Trotbridge family, for while the two elder boys, one about +eight and the other nine years old, ran to see which should be first +to take care of his horse, Mrs. Trotbridge, saying, "Well, as I'm +living, if here ain't the major again," hastened down the pathway, +one hand under her check apron and the other extended. There now +took place such a series of embracings, accompanied with kisses, as +one seldom sees in lovers over sixteen. + +The major followed speedily into the house, while the two boys +unharnessed, fussed over, and took care of his horse, which one +mounted and the other led by an halter to a little dilapidated barn, +such as are common to that part of the country. I was next +introduced, with some ceremony, to Mrs. Trotbridge, as the +politician who had gone over the country effecting such wonderful +political changes. After divers courtesies, the good woman put so +many questions to me concerning my past history and future hopes, +that I found it somewhat difficult to answer them. Mrs. Trotbridge +had no very deep love for politicians in general, the doctor of the +parish having told her that they did serious damage to brandy +punches. Had I felt inclined, I verily believe she would have held +me in conversation until midnight, such was her nimbleness of +tongue. + +The walls of the room, which was about twenty feet by twelve in +dimensions, were hung with small, colored pictures, in mahogany +frames; an high shoe bench in one corner, a few flag bottom chairs, +a table and two small workstands, and four pair of shoemaker's +clamps, arranged at the windows, constituted the simple but +substantial furniture. But there was over all an air of neatness +about it truly charming. There was a place for everything, and +everything was in its place. "Must make yerselves at home here," +said Mrs. Trotbridge. "Things, maybe, ain't as nice as yer used to +havin' 'em, but poor folks must do the best they can, and hope +better 'll come." + +And while the good woman set about lighting a fire in the great open +fireplace, Major Potter got between two chairs, into each of which +an urchin mounted, with a broom in his hand, and so belabored his +jacket as to fill the room with dust. "The major is always at home +in this house," dryly ejaculated the good woman, taking down her +bellows and commencing to blow the fire. + +"I know how to appreciate it, Mrs. Trotbridge, and hope nothing may +come to lengthen the distance between our friendship," returned the +major, shrugging his great broad shoulders, and adding that I could +now go through the process of dusting while he washed his face, +preparatory to listening to how times went with Mrs. Trotbridge. He +had previously ordered the boys to water his chickens, and now, +having at his desire brought in the fish, he presented them to the +hostess with all that pomp and dignity so common with government +employ‚s, who present the heads of departments with services of +plate bought with their own money, and which intolerable nuisance +had its origin among the kings and queens of the buskin. They were, +he slyly intimated, worth seven Massachusetts shillings. The shrewd +fishmonger wanted nine, but, saying I was going to present them to a +dear old friend, he threw off two. No New York alderman ever +received a gold snuff box for abusing his office with more +condescension than did Mrs. Trotbridge the fish so kindly presented +by the major. Saying he was proverbially a modest man, the major +begged she would forego any return of thanks and accept them solely +as a token of the affection he bore her, and which he certainly +would enlarge were it not that Mrs. Roger Potter yet lived, and was +hale and hearty. The widow blushed for once, saying as she did so, +that there was a time when such a compliment would not have been +lost upon her, but now that she had got on the wrong side of forty, +was getting gray, and had seen three dear good husbands put away in +the grave, she did not think it right to be "lookin' out," +especially as Parson Stebbins had always said, when he looked in, +that woman's worldly thoughts ought to end at forty. + +My suspicions of the major's probity were now almost confirmed, for +when she offered to vouchsafe him her generosity, by frying a piece +of the fish for dinner, he expressed a positive preference for +bacon, a good flitch of which he saw in a little cupboard she opened +in search of her stew pan. And although he expressed it a stain upon +his gallantry to deprive her of even an ounce, I thought the +quality and not his gallantry stood in the way. "Lord bless you, +Mrs. Trotbridge," said the major, "men distinguished in arms never +make presents to eat of them." + +The good hostess replied, by saying, she might have known, but it +was seldom persons so distinguished came that way; and when they +did, she entertained them just for the honor of it. Peace, she said, +reigned in her little house, and she was more happy with the thought +of eating the bread of honesty, so remotely, than she would be with +a palace in the olive groves of Cordova the man who lectured told +about, seeing that they who live in palaces must depend upon others +for bread, while she could raise her own. + + + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + +HOW MAJOR ROGER POTTER GOT HIS DINNER, MADE AN EXCHANGE OF CHICKENS, +AND TOOK LEAVE OF MRS. TROTBRIDGE. + + + + + +HAD Major Roger Potter been as well qualified to take advantage of a +political necessity, as the cunning quality of his gallantry in this +instance fully testified, he was to get the better in a matter of +trade, he had never fallen from so high an estate as that of +defending the nation's honor to that of selling tin ware and shoe +pegs. + +The major, saying he had an inert sympathy for the humble, and that +nothing had so much pleased him as to do Mrs. Trotbridge service, +now commenced to set her table, which he did with the familiarity of +a good housewife, while the anxious woman bestirred herself in +preparing dinner, expressing her doubts as she did so, that her +efforts would not meet our expectations. Suddenly remembering that I +was so great a politician, the good woman, having made sundry +inquiries concerning my wants, bethought herself that I would like a +book to while away the time; so, leaving her stew pan in charge of +the Major, who, having set the table with great exactness, was +seated upon a small stool at the fireside, beating the doughnut +batter in a bowl on his lap, she proceeded to a small book-rack over +a window, and brought me a copy of Elder Boomer's last sermons, the +reading of which she was fully assured in her own mind would +interest me. + +The major interposed (wiping his portentous belly, which had become +disfigured with batter,) by saying that seeing the book advertised +by the publishers (who were men of truth in all matters concerning +their trade) as the greatest of recently published works, he got a +copy for Mrs. Potter, who declared it a wonderful book, and had lent +it to all the neighbors, who had read it until nothing would do but +they must get up a religious revival. Indeed, if things kept on as +they were going, there would soon not be a sinner left in the region +round about Barnstable, such a change had the book worked in the +pious feelings of the good people. I seated myself beside a window +that overlooked the little garden, and turned over the leaves of the +book, affecting to be deeply interested in it, but really listening +to an interesting colloquy that was being kept up between the good +woman and the major, at whose side several little flaxen headed +urchins had crouched down, and with an air of paternal regard, +watched intently in his face as he compounded the batter with so +much force and energy, that at least one half it was lost in +spatters over their features. And while doing this, so eager was the +major to ascertain the exact state of Mrs. Trotbridge's affairs, +that the increase of her pigs and poultry formed a prominent feature +in his inquiries. She had let her little farm of thirty acres out on +shares to neighbor Zack Slocum, who was esteemed the best +crop-getter this side of the crossroads. The peach trees, of which +she had seven ranged along the little picket fence round the garden, +gave no very strong evidence of doing much, while the cherry tree +over the well was touched with blight; but for all that she felt +that providence would in some way enable her to scrape up fruit +enough to get over the winter. What was deficient in one part of the +country was made up by the plenty of another. She had recently, +however, felt a great drawback in the bad times consequent upon the +policy of the present administration. At last she had been told it +was the folks in power at Washington who had made times so hard, +that the wealthy manufacturer for whom she "binded" the shoes her +boys stitched, could only give two cents a pair, where formerly he +gave two and a half. But the cunning fellow, who was the sharpest +kind of a straight Whig, said if they got their side in at the next +election, he would come back to old prices, with cash instead of +store pay. Mrs. Trotbridge hoped it might be so, for the half cent +was a serious loss to a family so humble. But she was at a loss to +account how it was that if times were so hard, the manufacturer, who +could not afford to pay old prices, wanted a greater number of shoes +bound, and would hurry her life out to have them done in less time +than it were possible to do them. + +The good woman, considering herself honored by such military and +political greatness, spread her table with fried bacon and new laid +eggs, and the cold pork and beans left over from yesterday, a few +shavings of dried beef, currant jelly of the most tempting kind, +doughnuts, hot and fresh out of the bacon fat, and bread made of +wheat raised on the two acre patch across the road, and to which she +added a cup of tea so delicate in flavor that it would have made a +Dutch grandmother return thanks to the East India Company. In truth +there was a snowy whiteness in the table linen, and a nicety and +freshness of flavor in the viands one only finds at a country house +in New England, and which those accustomed to the "hudgey smudgey" +cooking at the great hotels of cities cannot appreciate. + +The good woman regretted that she could not add a mug of cider, for +since the temperance folks had shut up the tavern kept by General +Aldrich, at the village, travelers with a taste for that article had +to thirst and keep on to Barnstable. "May heaven vouchsafe you +plenty of such good fare," said the major, taking his seat at the +head of the table, as we drew up and engaged the bacon and eggs with +appetites that were sharpened to the keenest edge. And so fiercely +did the major gorge himself, showing no respect for the last piece +upon any plate, that the little urchins, who had occupied seats at +the table, began to gaze upon him with wonder and astonishment, and +to slink away, one after another, to relieve their pent up mirth. +Indeed, so formidable was the onset he made upon the bacon and eggs, +that I found it necessary to withdraw after the first fire, lest the +good hostess be compelled to call her frying pan into use a second +time. Having finished the humble but grateful meal, we proceeded, at +the desire of the major, to examine the pig and poultry yard. Her +two cows, she said, twitching her head in satisfaction, had had fine +thriving calves, and the old sow had a nice increase of fifteen +little spotted rascals, as round and plump as foot-balls. As for +poultry, the only kind that had not done well was her turkeys. And +of this there was visible testimony in four dyspeptic young ones +that walked sleepily around two old ones, kept up a very ill-natured +whimpering, and in addition to being featherless were quite as much +bedowned as the face of a freshman. The major, who had a remedy for +everything, set at once to prescribing for their distempers, which +he swore by his military reputation they could be purged of by +taking homopathic pills dissolved in the smallest quantity of +Wistar's Balsam of Wild Cherry. He had not the slightest doubt but +that by following up this course of medicine a sufficient length of +time, the ill-feathered patients would be restored to a happy state +of health, and become popular fowls at the poultry show. The +medicine was as harmless as need be, though extremely expensive. +There was a satisfaction, however, in knowing that their valuable +lives could in no way be endangered by an over dose. + +Expressing his entire satisfaction with the appearance of Mrs. +Trotbridge's poultry, the major fastened his keen eyes upon six fine +black feet pullets, the possession of which he at once began to +covet. And to that end did he proceed to discourse on the value of +Shanghais, inviting Mrs. Trotbridge, at the same time, to take a +peep at the rare lot of that breed of chickens he had in the coop. +The good woman followed him to his wagon, where he dismounted his +coop, and revealed as scurvy a lot of chickens as eye ever rested +upon, all of which he swore by his military reputation, would come +to rare Shanghais, and get big enough to eat off barrel-heads in +less than two months. Indeed, such was the wonderful account given +of these fowls by our hero, that the simple-minded woman would have +pledged her farm for no more than a pair. "La's me! do tell. Eat off +barrel heads in two months! Mean flour barrels, I 'spose?" +ejaculated the good woman, drawlingly, as her urchins gathered +round, peering eagerly in through the slats of the coop. + +"Just so," returned the major; "know a chicken of this breed that +grew so tall, that he would follow wagons going to mill, and feed +out of the hind end." In reply to an inquiry as to how she could +become the owner of a pair, money being a scarce article with her +just now, the major said he would, in view of his anxiety to do her +service, let her pick two, for which he would take in exchange the +six black feet pullets. For this profession of his generosity, the +good woman returned a thousand thanks; and the black feet were +forthwith transferred to the major's coop, while she took possession +of what she esteemed a rare prize. + +Finding there was no more to be made of his generous hostess, the +boys harnessed old Battle, and taking leave of her with divers +expressions of friendship and regret, we mounted and proceeded on +our journey, four urchins clinging to the tail of the wagon, +cheering at the top of their voices until we had lost sight of the +house. + + + + + + +CHAPTER X. + +THE MAJOR RESUMES THE STORY OF HIS ADVENTURES IN NEW YORK. + + + + + +MY determination not to swerve from the truth in this history, may +cause me to relate things of the major his military friends, who are +exceedingly sensitive, will set down as malicious attempts to damage +the profession of arms. Let it be understood, then, that what +charges I shall bring against the major will, on inquiry, be found +to have their origin in an uncontrollable passion for trade only. +Whether it will be found that he has committed acts for which he can +be arraigned before a court-martial, such being the fashionable +process of making heroes of military delinquents, must be left +entirely to the reader's judgment. + +Having got well upon the road, the major turned to me with an air of +evident self-satisfaction, and addressed me as follows: "If Mrs. +Major Potter was out of the way, I would make twain of the widow, +merely for the love her children bear me." Here he jerked the reins +and bade old Battle, who was giving strong proof of the quality of +his wind, quicken his pace. "However, as it is wicked to contemplate +matrimony with a wife on hand, I must console myself with having +cleared in the trade with her and the fishmonger, at least two +dollars and forty cents. The chickens are not what she takes them +for. There can be no doubt of their coming to Shanghais, but as to +their eating off barrel heads, they can do that now, only set the +barrel heads upon the ground. All the ill feathered devils in my +coop are not worth a single black foot." The major, like many others +who affect gallantry, rather prided himself on the chivalry there +was in deceiving widows and getting the better of fishmongers. We +were thus pursuing our journey, when the major suddenly reminded me +that he had been interrupted in the recital of the story of his +first adventure in New York, and begged I would tell him the exact +point where he left off. This I did, as far as my memory served, out +of sheer charity. He then begged me not to get impatient, for he +would soon get to where he was the hero of several extraordinary +exploits, which he had performed while taking care of the nation. +"That's the point," said the Major, taking the cue. "The story was +interrupted at the point where we held it fortunate detectives were +not employed to go in pursuit of Fopp, as they both were of one kith +and kin, only that they had different processes for draining purses. + +"My fashionable friends, on hearing of my distress, had no more +attentions to bestow upon me. And as I had no more dinners to give, +the newspapers also let me drop very quietly. I should not forget to +mention, however, that one huge fellow, who commanded the columns of +a very small paper, and made the importance of his position a means +of getting loans of his friends, said time would establish the fact +that I was an adventurer. I entertained a hope that the good old +Evening Post would have answered this, but it never did. It was +something that I could console my heart with the fact, that the +little paper could do me no harm, since its circulation never got +beyond two hundred prosey old women, who admired the way the cunning +fellow wore his hair and discoursed upon good society, though he +held it a virtue never to pay a debt. + +"A friend or two, as poor as myself, and who had clung to me as long +as a dollar remained, advised the getting up of an affair of honor +with this editor; but, as I had always chosen to be a philosopher, +and believing valor an article better preserved with peace than war, +I objected. It was then suggested by one of my friends, who was, or +had been a politician, (an enemy of his said he had twice been +driven out of Wall Street for violating its rules of morality,) that +the affair could be more easily settled over a champagne supper at +Delmonico's. The best eater and drinker could then demand his +opponent to consider himself vanquished and pay the bill, the same +being accepted as a sufficient apology. Upon inquiry, it was found +that the editor was famous in this sort of warfare, hence it would +not do to engage him at odds so unequal. Telling my friends then, +that I would take two weeks to consider it, they thought the matter +might be indefinitely postponed. Another friend hinted, slyly, that +editors, as a general thing, held character of so little worth that +nothing so much delighted them as to demolish it over a strongly +compounded punch. + +"Well, with the loss of my money, I had the satisfaction, or rather +mortification, soon to know that I had gained the suspicions of mine +host of the Astor, who had the temerity to stick his bill in the +door one morning. My balance on hand not being equal to the amount, +I shoved the curious bit of paper into my pocket, and proceeded down +stairs, slightly inclined to saunter and contemplate the matter over +in the park. But the polite host, with an eye made keen by his +doubts, intercepted me at the bottom of the stairs, beckoned me +behind the big bright counter, and said I must pardon the request, +but he would like the trifle between us squared. Notwithstanding his +great respect for politicians in general, they so often forgot these +little matters as to make it a serious affair with him. The kindness +of his manner set my conscience in a tumult; and this, added to the +fact that he had entertained me in a princely style, sent me into a +state of great grief. One likes to perform kind offices to a +courteous recipient. Indeed, nothing would have so much pleased me +as to discharge every obligation to so excellent a landlord. I might +at some future day need the comforts of his house, especially as +several of my friends had intimated, while fortune smiled, that the +voice of the people might one day call me to rule the nation. + +"Dispensing all ceremony, I invited mine host to a conference in one +corner, and then and there pleaded the lean condition of my purse, +to which he listened with great patience, and when I had done begged +me to consider him a friend. Once indeed he seemed on the point of +shedding tears of sorrow for my troubles; but his eyes resumed their +usual dryness. On the following day, his sympathy having no doubt +run out, he informed me, with great politeness of manner, that the +demand for his lodgings was more than equal to the supply. +'Perhaps,' he added, 'you can make it convenient to continue your +journey.' + +"I was in the condition of an army unable to move for want of +supplies. It was no difficult matter to make a dozen or so of +political speeches, or to make a meeting split its sides with +laughter, or to tear the sophistries of an opponent into tatters, +but to be cheated out of one's money in a great city, and leave the +Astor to enter the Irving, or the more fashionable 'New York,' with +an empty pocket, though common among New Yorkers, was a feat I had +not learned to achieve." + +The mischief of the matter was, that no sooner had I got rid of +General Fopp, than a man, whom I shall for convenience sake call the +great Captain Splinters, made my acquaintance. This man, of whom +many queer things were said over tea-tables, by people calling +themselves the aristocracy, plumed himself on being the greatest +politician Manhattan Island ever was blessed with. People of steady +habits differed in their views on this subject, some asserting that +the honor of the island would sustain no loss if he were made +Governor of New Jersey, or President of the Camden and Amboy +Railroad, in which latter capacity he would have ample means of +gratifying his ambition for mutilating legal voters. I had heard of +this man through the newspapers; he seemed, however, a much smaller +man than they had represented him to be. In fine, he told me the +newspapers had always taken great pride in misrepresenting him; but +he said so many good things of himself, and recounted the many +scrapes he had been in with such evident self-satisfaction, that I +began to mistrust there was something in him. It was at least +certain that he had hung himself to the government, in the very +harmless belief that it could not get along without him. Of his +pranks, as related by himself, I had no very high opinion, inasmuch +as they made public virtue cut a very sorry figure. He, however, +requested me to bear in mind the fact, that he never squared his +opinions with those who set so high a value upon public virtue that +they were for ever nursing it and weeping over it at their +firesides. + +"He thought the nation extremely fortunate in possessing an +individual capable of rendering it services so varied as he was +capable of. He made power his game, and to the end of extending +universal liberty to vagabonds, he had at his command the services +of no less than four hundred and forty as arrant knaves as ever did +bloodletting at elections, or managed the rascality necessary to the +success of their candidate. They had given up the business of +stealing; and being much in need of money and clean raiment, had +taken to the more profitable occupation of president-making, +hoping ere long to be rewarded by a grateful government with +important and lucrative appointments. + +"This Captain Splinters, of whom so much was said, expressed great +sympathy for my misfortunes, and seemed to entertain a hearty horror +for such fellows as Fopp. He said that now, being on the road to +fame, it was only necessary to fasten to him, when, having great +power in his hands, he would ensure me the nomination for next +President. I got to liking him, he was so companionable. We visited +together many low drinking places up dark alleys, wherein political +mischief was very generally manufactured by youths who dressed in +flashy colored garments, were lean of figure, and very noisy. Their +features were sharp, but undefined, and about them there was air of +recklessness made more striking by their long, oily locks, (which +were turned under in the neck,) and the strong profanity of their +conversation, which invariably turned either upon some pugilistic +rencounter, or a question of municipal or national policy. Being a +popular politician, it was necessary, Splinters said, that the good +opinion of these men be secured; and this could be best done by +ordering the landlord to give them strong drinks without stint. He +added, that unless I did this, my political shop would be closed for +ever. I at first pleaded the scanty condition of my purse, but it +availed me nothing. The dread alternative stared me in the face, and +seeing that they were very outspoken men, I stood their demands at +the bar until an empty purse put an end to my generosity. + +"He, Captain Splinters, then led me by the button to Stanwix Hall, +which he said was the head quarters of his four hundred and forty +president-makers. Here the glare of an hundred gas lights threw +curious shadows over a throng of staggering and grotesque figures in +toppling hats, broad, brown skirted coats, with brass buttons, and +bright striped trowsers. 'These men,' said the Captain, introducing +them to me, with an extension of his left hand, 'are made of better +metal than they seem; you must not judge them by what you see on the +surface. Keep but their wants well supplied, and my honor for it, +they will take such care of the nation as no man shall gainsay-' + +"'Aye! aye!' interrupted a dozen husky voices, as the whole number +circled around the great bar, spread with a barricade of decanters, +'we are good men, and strong. Let the nation but call us, and we +will do it such service as it may need. We are all honest men, who +wait but the word from our captain, ere we break the liberty that +binds the delusions of men calling themselves our betters.' The +captain now leaned over the bar and whispered something in the ear +of the landlord, a burly man, who stood with his coat off and shirt +sleeves rolled up. Drinks were now quickly compounded for each man, +who seized his glass as the Captain, who was glib of tongue, +commenced a speech in compliment of me. It surprised me not a +little, that he made me the hero of more political conquests than +were written down in our history since the declaration of +independence; but as he vouched for the truth of every one of them, +with an oath to every sentence, his men received them with great +cheering. Indeed, they emptied their glasses, offering to lay their +services at my feet. It was curious to see how much these men, so +apparently shattered by strong drink, knew about the ins and outs of +the constitution. Albeit, for men whose education was as doubtful as +their means of living, (even reading and writing was not in very +high favor with them,) they knew a deal about Congress. More than +one had his pockets full of letters written him by distinguished +members. And it seemed a custom with them, when emptying a glass, to +drink the health of some senator, who sent them Congressional +documents weekly and promised to say a good word in their behalf to +the President. + +"Having enjoyed four rounds, the men began to examine the bottom of +their glasses, and to cast longing glances first at the landlord and +then at the captain. Such was the influence of the latter over them, +that at a word they set their glasses peaceably upon the counter and +subserviently retired to remote parts of the hall, where they +commenced to smoke strong flavored cigars. A word from Splinters, it +was said, and these men would set upon and demolish any object of +his dislike. And to such an extent had their mischievous excesses +been carried, that it had cost the city no end of tears and gold, +for which they had no other penance to offer, than an incurable +ambition to run mad in worshiping their captain. + +"A touch on the elbow, and Splinters whispered that the landlord's +opinion of me would be raised by settling the score. And to do this +I reached my last dollar. Having thus graciously initiated me into +high favor with his men, the Captain kindly offered to see me safe +home. Taking him for so good a friend, I discovered to him the state +of my finances, which he said was a matter of no moment, since he +would give me his note for five hundred dollars on thirty days, +which Duncan, Sherman & Co., or any banker in Wall Street, would be +glad to discount, merely for the pleasure of making my acquaintance. +A flood of joy poured into my ears and heart at this expression of +friendship. So we walked into the office of the Astor, when +Splinters, affecting an air of great confidence, dashed off the +note, and, bidding me look misfortune right in the face, took his +leave. But he said he would call the next morning. He forgot to keep +his promise, and when I presented his 'I promise to pay,' at the +counter of Messrs. Duncan, Sherman & Co., flattering myself that +they knew all about it, the whole counting-room of clerks went into +a titter. One set me down for a madman; another directed me to the +care of the commissioners of the insane asylum; and a third thought +I would do to go into business in Wall Street. Captain Splinters +would, no doubt, seeing that only his name was wanted, furnish +capital to any amount, provided always that he shared the result of +the circulation, they said. It was clear to me that the house of +Duncan, Sherman & Co. was not fast in the discount line. I then +looked in at Drew & Robinson's. Thinking I had come to buy +steamboats, a little, shriveled up old man led the way into a dark +back office, saying he could give me but five minutes to make known +my business. Anxious to facilitate matters, I produced the note, +saying that he of course knew the signer by reputation, and would +like to discount it out of compliment to him. A sight at the name, +and it seemed as if he was about looking the glasses out of his +spectacles. Then he went straight into a passion, ordering me to +leave the premises or he would call a policeman. Not to swerve from +the truth, I may say here, that I thought it very fortunate in +getting into the Street without being kicked there. All Wall Street, +it seemed to me, was in a state of anxiety. Every man looked as if +he were besieged by his neighbor, or had had a breach made in him by +some sudden revolution, and was in search of a physician to save his +bleeding bowels. Here and there I met a man looking as if he had +just rushed into the street to proclaim the baseness and treachery +of a newly discovered foe, who, with a thousand anxious thoughts, +had carried away the last remnant of his fortune. + +"I found I had been laboring under a political delusion. Indeed, I +felt like one in a desert without means of alleviating his misery, +and turned to make my way out of Wall Street and declare myself its +eternal enemy, so ungrateful was the reception it had given me. And +as I was proceeding through the mass of rapidly moving figures that +surged along the sidewalk, my eye caught the sign of Van Vlete, +Read, & Drexel. The name struck me as being consonant with +generosity, so I looked in, and was accosted by a tall, lean man, +with a dusky complexion, and a face radiant of intelligence. He +stood behind a massive, semicircular counter, piled with bank notes +and gold; and having readily engaged me in conversation, which he +had the facility of doing without being interrupted in his business, +I found him a man who could talk faster and much more sensibly than +any revival preacher outside of Rhode Island. And to this he added +the rare quality of being courteous, which was remarkable in a Wall +Street dealer in money. Having discovered my business, he smiled and +shook his head, evidently at what he was pleased to consider my +freshness. + +"The captain's paper, he said, might be set down as floating +security, the value of which was so prospective, depending as it did +upon his future good behavior as well as the fortunes of his party, +that he did not feel inclined to purchase any very large amount of +it. However, as he liked to be considered as a man of good parts, +and as I had a prospect of getting a foreign mission, he would +advance ten dollars on the five hundred, taking the risk of such +change as years might produce in the fortunes of the great captain, +which even the moon seemed to favor. Having declined this generous +offer, we parted excellent friends." + +A cloud of dust rose up in the road about half a mile ahead, which, +together with the barking of a dog, and the "hellowing" of a loud +voice, announced the approach of a drover, and interrupted the +major's story. + + + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + +IN WHICH MAJOR POTTER ENCOUNTERS A SWINE DRIVER, AND TRADES WITH HIM +FOR AN INTELLIGENT PIG. + + + + + +A VOICE crying "Schew, ho! schew, ho!" broke louder and louder upon +the ear, until, beneath a cloud of dust, there appeared the snouts +of some twenty lean swine, scenting the road from side to side, as +if in search of food. They were followed at a short distance by a +tall, square shouldered man, dressed in the homespun of the country. +He carried a pair of steelyards over his shoulder, and was +accompanied by his dog, a sharp eyed sagacious animal, that every +few minutes coursed into the bushes by the roadside, and kept the +swine in proper marching order. + +The major was thrown into ecstasies at what he deemed an auspicious +opportunity for another trade, and began to count his profits ere he +had come up with the swine driver. A few minutes more, and the swine +driver cried out at the top of a voice that seemed to have come +through a tin trumpet, so grating was it, "If you kill my shoats, +neighbor peddler, them tin traps of thine shall suffer as will not +be good." The major now reined up old Battle, and throwing down the +reins, dismounted, and began parleying with the swine driver as to +the value of his drove. "It is cruel of you," said the major, "to be +driving such lanterns to market. From thy looks, I had thought thee +a better man. But, as I have a fancy for trade, if thou wilt put +them at a figure low enough, and take my tinwares for pay, we may +come to a trade that will profit us both." + +"To the devil with your tinware; and if you cannot get it there fast +enough by any other process, mount a South Carolina ass! for it +occurs to me you would look well mounted upon such an animal!" This +somewhat uncourteous retort disarmed the major, who stood for a time +not knowing what to say in reply. In truth, he was overawed by the +sternness of the swine driver's manner, and the terseness of the +monosyllables with which he answered questions that were +subsequently put to him. He had a face, too, that wore an expression +grave enough for a Scotch metaphysician, and was long enough and +heavy enough for a Penobscot Indian; and to which was attached a +nose very like a bill-hook in shape. "Honest swine driver," +ejaculated the major, "being versed in the mysteries of human +nature, and never judging men by their occupations, I took you for a +gentleman; and as such, I am certain, had you but known the high +quality of my reputation, you would not have insulted me." + +"That all may be," interjaculated he of the weary face. + +"You have, p'raps, heard of Major Roger Sherman Potter? That's my +name," resumed the major, a smile of confidence lighting up his +features, as he extended his right hand, and patted the swine driver +good naturedly upon the shoulder with his left. "I bear no man +malice, am known over the country as Major Potter, the honest in +trade and strong in politics." + +"I have myself had something to do with politics," moodily muttered +the swine driver, relieving his shoulder of the steelyards. + +And while this colloquy was proceeding, the herd nestled down upon +the ground to rest. One, more sagacious than his fellows, made a +companion of the dog, at whose side he stretched himself, and laid +his head upon his shoulder with an air of kindness and affection +quite uncommon to his species. "That pig," spoke the swine driver, +"seems a more cunning brute than our New York politicians, for he +makes friends with his enemy, and by that means secures his peace, +if not his services. He has conciliated the good that is in the dog, +and now the dog is his firm friend. He will let that pig have the +better half of his meal, while he would not permit another to come +within barking distance of his trough." Here the swine driver +entered upon a history of this sagacious animal, which it will be +necessary to preserve for a future chapter in this history. It may, +however, be well here to say, as well for the benefit of the reader +as for the instruction of mankind in general, that Felix Shulbert +(for such was the swine driver's name) bought him of Father Fenshew, +a poor priest of great learning, who had so cultivated the pig's +understanding, that he could give his approval or dissent to the +canons of the church quite as well as some popular members of the +ecclesiastical councils of which the reverend and very learned +Father was an ornament. As to politics, he knew a great deal more of +them, notwithstanding he mixed less with those who made them a +profession. + +"Now, tell us, honest man, what through life has befallen thee to +produce this sadness?" inquired the facetious major, adding, that he +saw the tale of his trouble written in his face. + +The swine driver replied, that disappointment, and the malice of +enemies, and the false reports of evil minded damsels, had reduced +him to poverty, and poverty had forced him into the trade of swine +selling, which he followed in the hope of getting a living that +would be acceptable to heaven. An air of deeper sadness now +overshadowed his countenance, and raising the coarse straw hat from +his head, he wiped the sweat from his safron-colored brow, and +heaved a sigh. The major having introduced me to the herdsman as the +greatest politician Cape Cod had ever given the world, drew forth +his never failing flask, which he said contained a panacea for all +ills of the mind, and enjoined him to partake. The man exhibited no +timidity in accepting the invitation, for having taken two or three +swallows, he smacked his lips in approval, and said, he already felt +it mellowing his temper. He then searched in his wallet, and finding +some crusts and a ham bone, threw them to his dog, who generously +shared them with his companion, the pig. This done, we took seats by +the roadside, while the drover began, in brief, to recount his +troubles. + +Educated for a divine, he took orders, and for a series of years +preached with much success to his congregation and honor to himself. +At length an evil day came, and with it a spirit of malice that +leveled its shafts at his bachelorhood, crept into his church. +Unfortunately he had declared his determination not to marry in the +presence of several venerable matrimony-mongers, and the result +was, that so many slanders were got up against him, that his church +became a bed of thorns continually pricking him. "My heart, which +heaven can bear witness, is tender enough, became overburdened with +grief," said he, his eyes filling with tears, as he wiped the sweat +from his sun-burned brow, "for it seemed as if the whole church had +turned its back upon me, and so many were the plans laid to effect +my downfall, by those who should have held me up, that even the +mantle of St. Peter could not have saved me. Thus, it was said that +I had made too free with my housekeeper, who, in some things, was a +good enough woman, but (and it was well known to the parish), little +could be said for her virtue. Heaven knows I had never in my whole +life permitted an evil thought concerning her to invade my mind; and +yet she was got to bring against me a charge so grave that we will +pass it over without a name. Your must, however, remember that this +was the work of my enemies, whom heaven forgive, as I freely forgive +them, such being the glory of charity, which is the truest religion. +Indeed, sir, it was said that I did this woman grievous harm, and +the parish rose up in her defence, and, what is more, set her up as +a model of injured innocence. I could only protest my innocence, and +pray what chance is there for innocence against the voice of +calumny? + +"Then this was the penalty of your bachelorhood? You should +remember, brother, that so good a chance to become a father as that +which is offered to the pastor of a flourishing congregation should +never be lost; and he who fails to embrace it, evinces a want of +wisdom the clergy would do well never to betray," said the major, +begging that his newly made friend would proceed with his story. "As +I never disdain friendship, (hoping the rudeness of my remarks at +our meeting may find pardon in my sorrow,) I will give a respite to +my tongue by quenching my thirst with another sup of the contents of +that flask, for it gives me much relief in body as well as in mind." +The major was only too glad to grant his request; and having passed +him the flask, he said, as the other raised it to his mouth, he +hoped it would transfer the hidden secrets of his heart to the light +of day, since nothing pleased him more than a recital of the sorrows +of the forlorn ambitious. And here he of the swine, and he of the +tin traps, continued to converse most strangely, the latter +sympathizing with every new sorrow, of which the former seemed to +have a never ending supply. "Being in a remote village of +Pennsylvania," resumed he of the sorrows, "and having neither trade +nor friends, I thought to get my living by teaching school; but the +shafts of scandal followed me, and the honest and simple-minded +villagers thought it wise not to have their children taught by one +who had attempted the virtue of an innocent. I saw nothing but to +take to politics, which I did much against my sense of self respect, +it being a profession requiring those who followed it to live a +vagabond life, as well as to become the associate of vagabonds and +mischief making priests. I took a strong part in a presidential +campaign" ("Jist like me," interrupted the major), "and being on the +successful side, as wise men always are, I went to Washington in the +hope that my services would be rewarded by a grateful government. +But in this there was a mistake, for the government seemed to have +forgotten every thing but the slanders against my character; and +though the hussy whose oath had sealed my doom was removed to +Washington, where she was atoning for her outraged virtue by +practicing the arts of the fair but frail, it neither lessened the +sting of my misfortunes, nor restored me my character. She had sworn +falsely, when her morals were no better than they should be. She now +offered to do me justice by swearing to the truth; but so public had +become the character she bore, that though she might swear to the +truth of her own falsehood a thousand times, no one would believe +her. It was curious to see the anomaly of my position; for while I +could have poured out a flood of lamentations at the want of virtue +in Congress, no one valued my own of sufficient weight to be +recommended for an office. Congress, that had no virtue, or if it +had, its quality was too hard for use, was for ever standing in +admiration of its beauty and whiteness, as a member or two since +expelled had been pleased to call it, and was as scrupulous of +having it called in question as a coy damsel. I who had virtues, was +cast out because the color of it, as seen through the spectacles of +my enemies, was not as white as alabaster. Ah, I have wiped the +sweat from my fevered brow, and thought what a wrong-headed world +we had-many a time! Every man has a history worth relating, or he +must be a poor being in the measure of his kind; but I am afraid +mine is becoming barren of entertainment." + +I had myself become interested in the swine driver's melancholy, and +joining with the major, begged he would proceed with his story. "I +took my misfortunes like a philosopher, knowing full well that +heaven would grant me mercy in time of need. I had nearly spent, in +Washington, the last dollar paid me for lecturing during the +campaign, when the jade who had caused all my troubles, hearing of +my poverty, came to me, fell upon her knees, implored my +forgiveness, and offered to share with me the fruits of her infamy. +I freely forgave her; nor could I forbear to shed a tear at the +honesty of her repentance. But her gold I bid her give, as had been +a custom with her, to her friends, in places so high that the source +of their wealth remained a mystery no man dare probe. Telling her I +had rather join the brigands in the hills of Lombardy than accept +her gold, I at once turned my energies to writing speeches for +members of Congress incapable of writing their own, and correcting +the dictum of those made by men whose time was too much taken up at +the gambling crib and drinking saloon. And for this labor, so easily +performed when one possessed the ability, I was to receive five +dollars a column, of the Globe. Small as was this allowance, I found +great difficulty in collecting it, since members too honest to sell +votes generally wrote their own speeches, and those who lacked that +little virtue had so many speculations on hand as to render it quite +impossible for them to find time to pay their speech writers. +However, between giving Latin lessons to two or three of the New +York delegation and this speech writing, and teaching the rudiments +of grammar to an Arkansas member, whose custom it was to make a +speech every day, I scraped a few dollars to the good, and retiring +to my native village entered upon the business of swine driving, in +which calling, thank God, I have at least had an opportunity to be +honest. In truth, brother tin peddler, (I call thee brother, since I +find so good a friend in thee,) it seems to me a man may prepare for +heaven and find no obstacles in so honest a trade. I have now +followed it for seven long years." Here the major took his hand, +earnestly, and swore that he was ready to serve him with his life, +so deeply had his story affected him. + +"It was but yesterday," resumed the swine driver, "that a tin +peddler of New Haven, who vends his wares over this part of the +country, and though a great rogue, makes people believe him honest +by asserting that he is a graduate of Yale, passed me on the road +and killed three of my swine, causing me a loss of some eight +dollars, for I sell them at three cents a pound, by my steelyards; +and when I demanded him to make good the damage he jeered and drove +on. And to make the matter worse, the cunning rogue has tricked the +simple minded people into the belief that he is a man of great +wisdom, which was no hard matter, seeing that he threw into all his +sayings a large amount of Greek and Latin it would have puzzled the +devil himself to translate. This, my brother, accounts for the +rudeness of my greeting, and for it I now ask to be forgiven. Having +lost my shoats in the manner I have related, I sat down and swore +eternal enmity to all of the trade." + +The swine driver thus ended the recital of his grievances, when the +major, holding it his duty to set the fallen upon their legs, +divided his pine apple cheese and crackers among us, and commenced +advising him in the following style: "I see, brother drover," said +he, "what a grief having fallen from thy high estate in the church, +is to thee. Take then my advice. Keep thy ambition within proper +bounds until thou hast got bread enough to live in peace for the +space of one year. Then return penitent to thy native village, say +thou art wearied of swine driving, and hast resolved to live an +honest man until death calls thee away. Get this idea well into the +heads of the villagers, then come boldly out and declare thyself to +have sinned beyond measure, and to have been so great a reprobate +that the world had not another like thee. Publish neither cards, nor +pamphlets, nor books, in defence of thy character, and above all, do +thou be careful not to purloin the coat and breeches of thy +companion, nor go uninvited to balls, for, though it be the custom +of unfortunate parsons who take to literature at this day, it will +lower thee in the sight of heaven. But say, that having qualified in +sin, and resolved to seek forgiveness, thou art come to lay thy +implorings at the church door. Change, in the meantime, thy opinions +of matrimony, and be careful to state, within hearing of certain +unmarried damsels the corners of whose ages it will not do to +multiply by ten, how it is become a firm belief with thee that +matrimony will increase the measure of thy joys. And when the moment +it will do for thee to move in this thing has arrived, do thou show +thyself a man of sympathy by joining fortunes with a damsel who has +lived hoping, until she has turned the brown corner of forty. Having +thus paved the way by being converted to matrimony, and confessing +crimes that would have crushed a dozen men of better metal than +thyself, thou wilt be restored to thy church, and live like one +comforted by the exalted opinions of the villagers." + +It was evident that the major spoke thus stiltedly with a design +upon the swine driver's intelligent pig, which still manifested its +affection for the dog, beside whom it had gone to sleep. The swine +driver promised he would take the first opportunity of profiting by +such excellent advice. To confess the truth, he had looked forward +to the day when he would return to his church as that which was to +restore him to happiness. + +The major called upon me to bear testimony to the friendship they +swore to each other, and strengthened over a sup from the flask. +"Now, as I have made thee a happier man than I found thee, perhaps +you would grant me a request?" + +"You have but to make it," replied the swine driver, his countenance +lighting up for the first time. "My wife, Polly Potter, is as fond +of pigs as the women of Spain, and our aristocratic damsels who +affect, to imitate them, are of poodles. She is never without one, +which she nurses with great care. She is now in great tribulation, +having lost her last by a croup, which baffled the skill of the most +eminent physicians. And so deep was her sympathy for it, that she +had it buried in a corner of the garden, with a rose-bush planted to +its memory." This so excited the swine driver's pity, that I verily +thought he was about to make the major a present of his whole herd, +as a means of consoling his disconsolate wife. As soon, however, as +the major disclosed to him his desire to purchase only the gifted +pig, affairs assumed a different complexion. The swine driver +declared he would not part with Duncan (such was the gifted pig's +name,) for his life, seeing that he was guide pig, and could so +prognosticate storms as to entirely dispense with the use of a +barometer. A few more appeals on behalf of the inconsolable woman, +however, and the swine driver agreed to part with Duncan, upon +condition that he be kept as one of the family until he returned +that way, receiving care according to his gifts. The major pledged +his military reputation that not a bristle on his back should be +disturbed, and also that he should receive such attention from the +family as would make his domestic happiness complete. And as a +pledge of his faith, he proceeded to present the swine driver with +three nutmeg graters, two strainers, and a sheepskin, the wool of +which he swore was worth not less than two dollars. + +The swine driver received these presents with much condescension, +but said it was necessary they agree that the pig be weighed, as +that would be a means of ascertaining how he fared during his stay +with the lonely woman. This point being settled satisfactorily, the +pig answered to his name, and ran to his master with the docility of +a spaniel. And now, amidst the loudest of squeals his lungs were +capable of, his hind legs were secured and his body hung suspended +by the steelyards, the dog in the meantime keeping up a loud +barking, and threatening to make ribbons of the major's coat-tails +for taking such improper liberties with his friend. "Eighty-four +pounds, exactly," muttered the drover, counting the notches upon his +steelyards as the major bagged his pet, who continued to give out so +many squeals of distress that the sagacious dog seized the major by +the broad disc of his pantaloons, and so rent them that he swore +none but his wife, Polly Potter, had ever seen him in such a plight. +Nevertheless, he placed the pig safely upon his wagon, and having +mended the breach in his dignity with a few pins, proceeded on his +journey, in what he considered a good condition. "To be torn to +pieces by a blasted dog! He didn't know me, though, poor brute," +muttered the major, rubbing the injured parts with his left hand, +and tossing his head in caution of what might be expected another +time. + + + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + +WHICH TREATS OF HOW MAJOR POTTER ARRIVED IN BARNSTABLE, AND SUNDRY +OTHER QUEER THINGS, WITHOUT WHICH THIS HISTORY WOULD NOT BE PERFECT. + + + + + +IT was quite dark when we entered the town of Barnstable, making as +much noise as if the devil had broken loose and come to carry off +the inhabitants, who were a timid people, but sharp enough to cut +the best side of a trade. The bright blue waters skirting the town +seemed reflecting ten thousand curious shadows, while several tall +steeples of churches, (showing that the people had theology without +stint, and to their liking,) loomed out through a gray mist that +tipped the clouds with a pale fringe. And the clean green shutters +of the bright white houses, and the neatly arranged gardens, with +their picket fences, ranging along both sides of the street, and the +flowers that were giving out their perfumes to the night breeze, +were all blending in a panorama of exquisite softness. + +The major plumed himself not a little on his popularity with the +town's people, who made his departures and arrivals no common +events. Nor was his admiration of himself one whit less than that so +common with some others I have in view at this moment, and who +follow the profession of arms. + +And now, news of his approach having got spread abroad, he had +scarcely entered the outskirts of the town when little Barnstable, +hatless and shoeless, came running to meet him, cheering, clambering +upon his wagon, and making such other demonstrations of welcome as +satisfied the major that the town had waited his return with no +little anxiety, though it annoyed old Battle exceedingly, for he had +great difficulty in drawing the load over the sand. Seeing the +distress the animal was in, two mischievous urchins fell upon him, +seized him by the halter, and, after throwing it over their +shoulders, were joined by some two dozen more, who ran ahead +dragging him by the mouth, while three others plied his belly with +switches. The major, in the meantime, continued to contemplate the +fortune there was in a pig so learned, and who was now mingling his +loudest squeals with the cheers and bravos of the urchins, until the +very welkin rang with their echoes. We proceeded according to old +Battle's slow pace to what I shall for convenience sake call the +Independent Temperance Hotel, the guests of which were so alarmed at +the strange noises in the streets that they came running out to +ascertain the cause. + +"Well, I'm back again, you see! and as for the rest, you may find +that out!" exclaimed the major, cracking his whip, and declaring he +would give the urchins three stripes apiece unless they ceased +teasing old Battle, whom he now reined up in front of a large +portico that opened into a spacious hall of the hotel. The +bystanders, among whom there was a lawyer or two, as well as another +species of hanger-on about a country tavern, sent up three loud and +long cheers, which brought the major's friends in a crowd about the +door. The major raised his hat, acknowledged the compliment with his +usual grace, and dismounted over the wheel, displaying as he did so, +the pins that had served to protect his dignity. But of this he was +unconscious, and bidding me follow, he waddled into the house, an +expression of gladness lighting up his broad red face, and saluting +his friends, not one of whom said a word touching the condition of +his garments. + +"Major! is it you? Well, there ain't nobody more welcome in this +hotel!" exclaimed a small, frisky figure, rushing through the crowd, +and seizing him earnestly by the hand. + +"Me?" replied the major, returning his salutation with equal warmth +of manner, "Well, I reckon it is! you think of me in my absence, I +see, colonel. Well, there is no roof Major Roger Sherman Potter +feels so much at ease under as this." Here the landlord, whose name +was Zach Aldrich, to which was added the title of Colonel, as a mark +of distinction, for having commanded with great gallantry the +Barnstable Invincibles. The host was fond of a joke, and after +giving his guest a cordial welcome, bid him hasten into the parlor, +where the hostess, who had long held him in great esteem, was +rubbing her palms to see him. Impatient to pay his respects to so +good a lady, he trudged up the hall, and turning to the right, +entered the parlor, in which were seated some seven females, to the +great delight of numerous bystanders, whom the major congratulated +himself were laughing for joy at his return. He had scarcely +disappeared, however, when a loud shriek was heard, and one after +another the females came scampering out of the room, so sorry a +figure did he cut. "Zounds, me," exclaimed the major, "what can have +come over the witches?" and he followed them into the hall, +surprised and astonished, while the compact little figure of mine +host was seen almost splitting his sides with laughter. Indeed, I +venture to say without fear of contradiction, that never did +military hero cut so extravagant a figure before females; and as he +had that scrupulous regard for their good opinion, so common with +his brethren in arms, so was he only saved from swooning by the aid +of a little whiskey and water. This, however, was not applied until +the cause of the alarm was discovered. "Upon my life, Colonel," said +the major, as the host aided him in securing his garments with a few +pins, "I never was known to offer a discourtesy to ladies through +the whole course of my eventful life. No, I wouldn't, by my military +reputation, I wouldn't have had such a thing occur to me, especially +as my friend here is the most distinguished politician in this part +of the country." I could not restrain a blush at this naive remark, +and begging that he would reserve his compliments for one more +worthy of them, he continued by pleading with the host, and +enjoining him to say to the ladies, that never in his life had he +met with so serious an accident, and as it was woman's nature to be +gentle and forgiving, he hoped they would forgive him this once, +"and I shall not be so rude and ungrateful as to soon forget their +generosity," he concluded. Having mended his garments thus +summarily, mine host led the way into the bar room, in one corner of +which was a square, mahogany counter, upon which stood a tin drain +containing a jug of water, and several empty tumblers. An open stove +stood opposite the counter; and in it were massive dog-irons in +brass, highly polished. A square Connecticut clock ticked on a +little shelf between two front windows; and suspended upon the walls +were pictures of horses and bulls that had won prizes at the +Worcester Cattle Show. Certain parts of the bar room were much +distained with tobacco juice; while beneath the stove grate there +lay a heap of cigar ends, and other soft projectiles common to such +taverns. And these, with a bench and a few reed bottomed chairs, +made up the furniture. + +In one of these chairs, a lean and somewhat shabbily clad man sat, +his feet upon the rounds, his body thrown back against the wall, his +face half buried in a slouch hat, and apparently dozing, but really +keeping a watchful eye upon every movement in the room. The +landlord, whose round face was lit up with a mischievous laugh, said +he would bet his new frock coat, which had brass buttons and a +velvet collar, and his white trowsers, and even his ruffle shirt, +that the major had made a successful trip, and would do the generous +without more ado. The bystanders said it would be only right that a +person who had witnessed so many proofs of his own popularity as the +major had done should pay the forfeit he had incurred by calling on +such good beverages as the host was celebrated for affording his +guests. The major placed the fore finger of his right hand to his +lip, cast a look of inquiry at the bystanders, and then said he knew +it would be no easy matter to apologize to ladies for so singular a +transgression, but how his treating could extenuate an insult +offered to another party, he could not exactly see. "By my word as a +man of standing, I have spent much sweat and labor in getting the +little Fortune has favored me with, and it seems to me that he who +needs it most had better quench his thirst with what remains in his +own pocket!" spoke the major, giving his head a toss, and edging +aside from his importuners. + +The landlord replied, that as the major had brought him a +distinguished guest, he should claim the right to do the +hospitalities of his own house, and this he held the more incumbent, +as the major was returned from so long an absence. But in obedience +to the spirit of temperance that ruled in the village, and was so +rigid in its exactions, that it kept Captain Jack Laythe, the man +who dozed in the chair, a spy over his counter, he could give them +nothing but cider and mead. Indeed the whole town had gone into such +exceedingly steady habits, that if an old friend chanced that way, +and took it into his head that a drop of heavy would do him no harm, +he was forced to wink him down into the cellar, and relieve his +wants in a little out of the way place, for even the smell of +whiskey upon the tumblers was set down as proof of guilt sufficient +to call a town meeting. + +They had scarcely drank the cider set before them by the landlord, +when the man in the chair began to exhibit signs of motion. Then +getting up from his seat, his sharp sallow visage assumed a look of +revenge; and approaching the counter, he began scenting the +tumblers. "Captain Jack Laythe!" said the major, casting upon the +man a look of hate, "you might find a better business than scenting +tumblers for temperance folks. You're a pretty Christian, +surrendering yourself to such meanness!" It was evident that the +major's choler was raised, and that he rather courted a set-to with +the spy, who had no great admiration for heroes of any kind. Indeed, +the major declared that if such a thing had happened when he was +with his regiment in Mexico, his sword had not long remained in its +sheath. + +"This man," rejoined the spy, with a nasal drawl, "is a burning +torch to the town, which he keeps in a perpetual uproar. The devil +never thought of half the evil he has inflicted upon certain of the +townspeople, for he serves them with his poison, and they go about +as if they were dead. Time and again has he been commanded to +surrender his traffic of misery, on penalty of being ridden into the +river; but he has neither fear of the devil, nor respect for the +laws; and though every pulpit in the land should preach against him, +they cannot put him to shame." The host, who was itching to have +revenge of the spy, hurled a lemon squeezer at his head, which took +him between the two eyes, and caused him to retreat into the street, +amidst the cheering and jeering of the bystanders. The major, too, +applied his boot in right good earnest to the retreating gentleman's +rear, and asserted his courage by making threats in the door, while +the other, having regained his sight, stood challenging him to come +out into the street, and take it like a man. The major called upon +the bystanders to bear witness that he had courage enough to tackle +a dozen or more of such spies, only he would rather not soil his +hands just now. Nor was there any honor in fighting such people, +which was a chief point in such game. + +The landlord now reminded the major that the town esteemed him too +highly to have him compromise himself by holding a parley with such +a fellow, who was no other than an old Pawtucket stage driver, who +having tempered his throat with brandy until it had dried up his +wits, saw fit to reform, and had become the most implacable enemy of +all who enjoyed what he had abused. + +The spy seeing the landlord about to set on his big dog, took to his +heels, muttering in a low and plaintive tone, and threatening to +report his grievances to Parson Bangshanter, and Squire Clapp, two +leading members of the temperance league, and who, in respect to +good morals, had taken the sale of liquor into their own hands, and +were making a good thing of it. The major now remembered that his +wife, Polly Potter, would get the news and be impatient to welcome +him, and so bidding the host and his company good night, and +assuring me that he would ring the town out to pay me proper respect +in the morning, he took his way home, meeting with so serious an +accident as had well nigh cost him his life, the particulars of +which I must reserve for another chapter. + + + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + +WHICH TREATS OF TWO STRANGE CHARACTERS I MET AT THE INDEPENDENT +TEMPERANCE HOTEL. + + + + + +HAVING got rid of the major, I desired to change my clothing before +supper, and was shown to a snug little room up stairs by a damsel of +such exquisite beauty and bashfulness, that my whole soul seemed +melting within me, so quickly did her charms enslave me. In answer +to a question that hung trembling upon my lips, and which I had only +power to put in broken accents, for she passed me the candle, and as +she did so, I touched her hand, and saw her bosom heave gently, and +her eyes fill with liquid light, out of which came the language of +love, she said, with a smile and a lisp, that they called her +Bessie. Nature had been all bountiful in bestowing her gifts, for +surely, thought I, the nation can boast of no prettier Bessie. I +thought of the garden of Eden, of the palm groves of Campania, of +every rural beauty that just then beguiled my fancies. But in +neither of them did there seem happiness for me without Bessie for +the idol of my worship. I had, indeed, touched the hidden spring of +her sympathy, and as it gushed forth in unison with my own, I read +the flutterings of her heart in her crimsoning cheeks, and +contemplated the bounties of that Providence which forgets not the +humblest of its creatures. "Oh, sir," said she, "what will my father +say?" and she attempted a frown, and started back as I stole a kiss +of the cheek now suffused with blushes. Then with an arch toss of +the head, she turned her great black eyes rogueishly upon me, and +said in a half whisper that I must not attempt it again. But I could +not resist the magic of her glance, while, together with the +cherry-like freshness of her lips, and the raven blackness of those +glossy curls that hung so ravishingly over her fair blushing cheeks, +discovering a delicately arched brow, and enhancing the sweetness of +her oval face, carried me away captive, and made it seem as if +heaven had created our loves to flow on in one unhallowed stream of +joy. Her dapper figure was neatly set off with a dress of black +silk, buttoned close about the neck, and showing the symmetry of her +bust to great advantage; and over this she wore an apron of brown +silk, gimped at the edge, and her collar and wristbands were of +snowy white linen. "Heaven knows I would not harm thee, for thou art +even too fair; only a knave would rob one so innocent." And I held +her tremblingly by the hand, in the open door, as she attempted to +draw herself away, beseeching me with a bewitching glance to +"remember her youth." Bessie was the landlord's daughter; and though +she was scarce passed her seventeenth summer, had became so famous +for her beauty, as to number her admirers in every village of the +county; and many were the travelers that way who tarried to do +homage to her charms. I had just raised her warm hand to my lips, +hoping, after I had kissed it, to engage her in conversation, when +the door of a room on the opposite side of the passage opened, and a +queer little man, with a hump on his back, and otherwise deformed, +issued therefrom, and with a nervous step hurried down stairs, +muttering to himself like one lost in his own contemplations. +Bessie, with the suddenness of one surprised, vaulted in an opposite +direction, and, ere I had time to cast a glance after her, +disappeared down a back stair, leaving her image behind only to +haunt my fancy, and make me think there was no one else in this +world with whom I could be happy. + +A few minutes, and having completed my toilet, I appeared at the +supper table, which the blushing Bessie had spread with all the +niceties of the season, and was waiting to do the honors. My +appetite was indeed keen, but the flashing of her eyes so troubled +my sensitive nature, that I entirely forgot the supper, and began to +inquire, half resolved to end my journey here, if mine host could +accommodate me for a month. Bessie heaved a sigh, saying it should +be done if she had to give up her own room. To which I replied that +nothing could induce me to give her trouble for my sake; that I +would take up my lodgings upon the corn shed, where, with the stars +and her charms to occupy my musings, I could be so happy. + +When supper was over, Bessie ushered me into a large sitting room, +on the left of the hall, and bid me good night. A large, square +table, upon which was a copy of Godey's Lady's Book, the New England +Cultivator, the New Bedford Mercury, and sundry other papers of good +morals, stood in the center of the room. The walls were papered in +bright colors, and the floor was covered with an Uxbridge carpet, +the colors of which were green and red, and made fresh by the glare +of a spirit lamp that burned upon the table. A chart of the South +Shoal, a map of Massachusetts and Rhode Island, and sundry rude +drawings in crayon and water colors, hung suspended from the walls. +The air of quiet cheerfulness that pervaded the sitting room, +bespoke the care Bessie had bestowed upon it, and the active part +she took in the management of the household. And, too, there was a +piano standing open at one end of the room, for Bessie, in addition +to having studied Latin and algebra two years at the high school, +had taken music lessons of Monsieur Pensin‚, and could play seven +tunes right off. + +An aged, clerical-looking man, his visage lean and careworn, with +his newly-married bride, a simply clad country girl of eighteen, sat +at a window, looking out upon a little square, and every few minutes +exchanging caresses they imagined were seen by no one else in the +room. Indeed, when they were not caressing, they were whispering in +very affectionate proximity. Once or twice I overheard, "My +darling," and, "You know, my love," which curt but meaning sentences +are much in fashion with persons on a bridal tour, and who set out +with the belief that earth has no ill that can disturb the solace of +their perhaps weak love. + +The little deformed man, of the nervous temperament, and whose well +formed head seemed to have been thrown by accident upon his +distended chest, paced, or rather oscillated up and down the room, +swinging his arms restlessly, now casting a glance of his keen gray +eye at me, then pausing at the farther end of the room to read the +notice of a lecture on Crabbe, inscribed upon a great red poster. +There was something in the lettering of the poster that displeased +him exceedingly, for, having scanned over it, he would turn away +with a quickened pace, and mutter some incoherent sentences no one +present could comprehend, but which his increasing nervousness +betold were expressive of anger. The thought of Bessie made me +impatient, and following the example of the little deformed man, I +also commenced pacing the room, but on the opposite side of the +table, meeting and exchanging glances with him in the center. The +maps upon the walls furnished me themes for contemplation in my +sallies; and I read and reread the exact latitude and longitude of +the South Shoal, as it appeared on the charts. Then I paused at a +front window, and peered out into the starlight night, and saw the +tree tops in a little square opposite, move gently to the breeze, +while my fancies recurred to the association of that home, at the +fireside of which I pictured my father and mother, sitting thinking +of me. At the opposite end of the room I read, for it was there +printed upon the red colored poster, that the celebrated Giles +Sheridan, (who was no less a person than the little deformed man who +paced the room so briskly,) would lecture on Crabbe, in the basement +of the "Orthodox Meeting House," at seven o'clock, on the following +evening. + +It perplexed me not a little to know why this Giles Sheridan, this +queer little man, had selected for the subject of his lecture, a +person so little known in the rural districts of Massachusetts. Had +he consulted either the political or mechanical tastes of the +people, instead of their literary, the cause would not have been +involved in so deep a mystery; but this will be explained hereafter. + +The clerical looking man had just kissed his young bride, and +muttered something about the joys of paradise, as I, for the ninth +time, paused to ponder over the curious announcement. And as I did +so, the little man, with that sensitiveness common to true genius, +looked up at me with an eye beaming with intelligence, while his +lips quivered, his fingers became restless, and he locked his hands +before him and behind him, in quick succession, then frisked his +straight hair back over his ears with his fingers, and gave out such +other signs of timidity as convinced me that he was a stranger in +the land, and would engage me in conversation merely to unburden his +thoughts. I have said true genius, in speaking of this queer little +man, for indeed, if strange nature had so disfigured his person as +to make it unsightly, she had more than compensated him with the +gifts of a brilliant mind. "Like myself, sir, you are a traveler +this way?" he spoke, with a voice clear and musical, and with just +enough of a refined brogue to discover the land of his nativity, or +to give melody to his conversation. "You will pardon me, sir; but I +saw you evinced an interest in the notice of my lecture. Ah! sir; +even a look of encouragement cheers and fortifies this misgiving +heart of mine. Few, sir, very few, think of me, seeing that there is +nothing about me pleasing to the eye." And as he said this, he +sighed, frisked his left hand across his forehead, and shook his +head. I saw he was troubled with that lack of confidence in himself, +so common to men of his kind; he was also too timid for one thrown +upon a strange land with only genius to aid him in struggling +against adversity. On discovering to him who I was, and that I had +written a Life and Times of Captain Seth Brewster, which my +publisher, and several independent critics he kept in his employ, +had praised into an unprecedented sale, though it was indeed the +veriest rubbish, his pent up enthusiasm gushed forth in a rhapsody +of joy. I told him, too, that two sonnets which I had written, over +the signature of Mary, had been published in the "New Bedford +Mercury," the editor of which very excellent paper said they were +charming, though he never paid me a penny for them. It may interest +all aspiring female poets to know that these little attempts at +verse found their way into the "Home Journal," and were highly +praised by it, as is everything written by Marys of sixteen. + +"Men of letters are brothers!" said the little, deformed man, +grasping tightly my hand. "They should bind their sympathies in +eternal friendship. You have no other word for it! The world never +thinks of them until they are dead; ought they not then to be +brothers to one another while they live?" He now placed two chairs, +frisked about like one half crazed, expressed his joy at meeting one +who had aspirations in common with him, said he wished the meek old +lover in the corner had his young bride in paradise, and bid me be +seated and join him in a talk over the past and present of letters. +I replied by saying I was more impatient to know what had brought +him to Barnstable with so strange a subject for his lecture. "That +is the point, and I will tell you; for a stranger is never to blame +for doing wrong when he thinks he is doing right!" said he, with +great earnestness of manner. And he drew his chair closer, and +tapped me impressively on the arm with the fore finger of his right +hand. "And you read my name, Giles Sheridan, on the pink poster. I +am well known in some parts of the world, and not so well known in +others. Thanks to a merciful God, I am not the worst man in the +world, and yet I am deformed; and as the world praises most the +beauty that adorns the surface, so few think of me, care for me, or +say, 'Giles Sheridan, there is meat and wine at my house, where you +will be welcome.' Thinking even a cripple might find favor and +fortune in the country, I came over not long since, and sought the +city of Boston, it being, as many had told me, the great center of +America's learning and refinement. There I gave a lecture or two; +but being a stranger, and deformed withal, the reception I met was +cold and discouraging. Against such men as Lowell, and Curtis, men +born on the soil, and of such goodly person as made them the pets of +the petticoats and pantaletts, I could not hope to succeed. In +truth, I gave up, sick at heart, clean only in pocket, and with the +alternative of a garret and a crust staring me in the face, in a +land of plenty. At length a friendly hand came to my succor, and +through it I was invited by a committee, composed of the tavern +keeper, the schoolmaster, the Unitarian clergyman, and the milkman, +(who had a relish for letters,) to deliver three lectures in this +town, for which they promised to pay me five dollars a lecture, and +my victuals. Yes, sir, my victuals. Five dollars and victuals for a +learned lecture was something for a man whose pocket stood much in +need of replenishing. I came, disposed to do to the best of my +ability; and the victuals I have had, and they are good. I chose +Crabbe for the subject of my lecture, in deference to my own taste, +and also because I was led to believe, judging from analogy, that +the knowledge of men of letters which ruled in Boston, must also +rule in the villages and towns round about. It was that which led me +to announce Crabbe, which announcement has much disturbed the town. +No one seems to know who or what manner of man he was, and many +curious questions have been put to me concerning his origin, the +things he did while living, the manner of his death, and what was +said of him afterwards. Several inquisitive old ladies, who called +to see me to-day, put many questions concerning his morals and +religion. Not entertaining a doubt of his loving all religion that +was founded in truth and reason, I sent them away fully satisfied +that Mr. Crabbe was a man of good standing in the church. You will +remember sir, it was Crabbe who said, 'There sits he upright in his +seat secure, As one whose conscience is correct and pure.'" + +Here he continued to repeat several of the most beautiful lines +written by that poet, and which are familiar to his readers. + +"An unhappy sort of man, clothed in the garb of a mechanic, and +calling himself a nonresistant, has several times called to inquire +if Mr. Crabbe, of whom I proposed to speak, was an advocate of +physical resistance. Not being able to satisfy him upon this point, +he has sought in divers ways to pick a quarrel with me." Just at +this moment the door opened, and there entered to the evident +annoyance of the little deformed man, one Ephraim Flagg, a clicker +of shoes, and an ex-stagedriver. He was lean and low of figure, had +a long bony face, and a gloomy expression of countenance, and a +straight, narrow forehead, and coarse, silvery hair, that stood +erect upon his head. "I have come again, you see; but don't let your +choler get up, my little stranger. Peace and little men ought to +keep each other company," spoke the man, with a strong, nasal twang, +after having adjusted his thumbs in the arm holes of his waistcoat, +and passed twice or thrice up and down the, room, with a tantalizing +air. Ephraim Flagg had given up driving the stage between New London +and Norwich, and had recently taken to books, and so studied certain +exact and inexact sciences, as they were called, and neglected all +business, that it was feared he would become a town tax. In addition +to this he had made himself famous for quarreling with all those who +differed with him on the peculiarities of his social problem. + +"Sir!" replied the lecturer, "as you chose neither to be convinced, +nor to accept reason for argument, perhaps we had as well end this +bantering!" + +"Oh! there you are," interrupted the nonresistant, "you must not +allow your ill temper to rise. You can't get (no you can't) the +better of your adversary that way. If a man kicks you, and if you +want to show yourself his superior, turn right round and thank him. +Depend upon it, there is nothing equal to it! It so unhinges the +man. Now, as to this Mr. Crabbe, (you forgot, in our controversy +yesterday, to say where he was born,) being a gentleman, and in +favor of using physical force-" + +"Seeing that I am engaged, Mr. Flagg," interrupted Giles Sheridan, +"perhaps you will excuse me any further controversy on the peculiar +merits of Crabbe's combativeness." + +"But there was one point not made quite clear to me, and I came +back, not to make you angry, for men who give lectures should have +good tempers, but to inquire if this Mr. Crabbe was ever kocked +down; and if he was, how and in what manner he returned the +kindness?" To this question, Giles Sheridan was not inclined to +vouchsafe an answer. The nonresistant then said, the principles he +had been trying to defend, were being illustrated. "I am an enemy to +physical force; but I have gained a victory over you! You won't deny +that, I take it?" continued the nonresistant, taking a seat +uninvited; and, having placed his feet upon the table, near Giles +Sheridan, who was scarce able to restrain his feelings at the want +of good breeding therein displayed, threw his hat upon the floor, +and said he would wager four dollars and thirty cents, which was all +the money he possessed, that he could lecture on the principles of +nonresistance, and draw an audience greater by ten per cent. than +would come to hear about Mr. Crabbe. "You don't know whether your +man had a liking for tobacco and whiskey?" he parenthesized. A look +of contempt flashed from Giles Sheridan's eye, as he twirled his +fingers, and curtly replied, "I wish, for your own sake, sir, that +your tongue did not betray the error of the doctrine you have set +up-" + +"Oh! there you are!" the nonresistant quickly replied, "establishing +by your acts what you have not courage to acknowledge with your +lips." Wounded in his feelings, the little deformed man turned away, +and commenced inquiring what I thought about several learned, but +very heavy reviews that had recently appeared in Putnam's Magazine, +a monthly so sensitive of its character for weighty logic, that it +never gave ordinary readers anything they could digest. I confessed +I was not sufficiently qualified to speak on the subject; to do +which, required that a man be a member of that mutual admiration +society, beyond whose delicate fingers it seldom circulated. The +nonresistant evidently saw my embarrassment, and saying he had but +one more question to ask respecting the man Crabbe, continued in the +following manner, while Giles Sheridan remained doggedly silent. +"Now, look a here! if your Mr. Crabbe had a bin a farmer who had +grown a nice field of wheat, which his neighbor's horse, being +breachy, had got into, wanting to get the best of that neighbor, +would he have killed the horse, or would he have gone to that +neighbor and said, 'Neighbor, thy horse is in my wheat, pray come +and take him out, that I may not bear thee malice?'" This question, +and the quaint manner in which it was put, so conciliated the little +deformed man that he could not resist a smile. "I have you there!" +exclaimed the nonresistant with a toss of his head. + +"It occurs to me that Crabbe never had a farm, hence it would not +become me to speak for him. For myself, I had driven the horse out +with my dog," replied the other. + +"There you are wrong," retorted the nonresistant, "for the dog would +have destroyed the wheat, and so carried the devil to the heart of +the farmer, that he had gone to law, if, indeed, he had not killed +the horse, and by so doing lost all power over his adversary. +Whereas, if he had spoken gently of the conduct of the horse, the +owner would have been sorely grieved, and set about making good the +damage, according to the promptings of his own heart." + +The landlord hearing the nonresistant's voice, entered the room and +ordered him to begone about his business, and seek some better +employment than that of hectoring every traveler who chanced to put +up at his inn. But the nonresistant replied that he was not to be +insulted by a landlord who professed to keep a temperance house, and +sold liquid death daily on the sly; nor would he leave the inn, in +which he had a common right, until his own convenience dictated. +This so enraged the landlord, that although he was a little man, he +seized the nonresistant by the collar, and would have forced him to +leave the premises but that the other proved too strong for him. +Indeed the nonresistant, notwithstanding his principles, had well +nigh divested the landlord of his coat, and done serious damage to +his face, and was only ejected from the house by the timely +assistance of the hostler and the bar tender. + + + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + +IN WHICH THE TOWN IS THROWN INTO A STATE OF ALARM, AND SUNDRY OTHER +THINGS WORTH MENTIONING. + + + + + +THE nonresistant, resolving to make the street his castle, stood for +some minutes making grimaces, and hurling coarse invective at the +landlord, who, with sundry idlers, had gathered into the portico. He +then took his leave, swearing to have satisfaction of his +assailants, as Giles Sheridan, looking out at the window, said he +should long remember the fellow for the courtesy he had manifested +towards him. + +Peace being restored, the landlord, his shirt ruffle in a sad +plight, returned to apologize for the disturbance to his guests; +while peeping in at the door, I saw Bessie, her black eyes almost +swimming in tears, and evidently alarmed for my safety. Again Giles +Sheridan spoke up and said: "It can be no good that brought the +fellow hither. He must have been begotten under an evil star, and +nursed by a virago. The fellow has but to take good care of his +invective; and if he adopt the ass instead of the madman, he may in +time become an excellent critic." Here he paused, turned his head +quickly, and frisked his fingers nervously through his straight, +silvery hair. The clerical looking groom, hearing the little +deformed man speak thus, led his young bride frightened to bed. + +The lecturer now drew a much worn and almost illegible manuscript +from his pocket, and commenced reading to me a few passages from it, +in a clear, shrill voice, and with much earnestness of manner. His +love of approbation, I saw, was only equaled by his want of +self-confidence, which made him anxious to hear what I would say of +it. So I listened with more than ordinary attention while he read, +and then expressed a firm belief that the people of Barnstable could +not fail to appreciate his ascetics. This so encouraged him that his +heart seemed beating with joy, and he warmed into enthusiasm, and +read on, watching intently the changes of my countenance, as if he +wished to read in them my fleeting thoughts. I was about to inquire +whether it were good policy to measure public taste by one's own, +when he paused, and heaving a sigh, said in a modulated tone of +voice, that so many queer inquiries had been made of him respecting +Crabbe, that he began to doubt whether he could interest the people +in a discourse upon the character of one they had scarce heard of. +No longer ago than yesterday, he said, General Sam Wheeler, the +popular high school committeeman, looked in to say, that it was +getting all over Barnstable, and had very nearly got into the +columns of the Patriot, that he had been got down by the evil agency +of the anti-temperance men to lecture on a new process of making +brandy from crab apples. And the Baptist clergyman rather encouraged +this report, which was doing serious damage. I was told, too, that +the subject of my lecture had been warmly debated by the ladies of +the Orthodox Sewing Circle, where Mrs. Silas Heywood, who had +written several strong articles for the Patriot, which journal +adopted them as its own, was heard to declare emphatically that she +had never heard of this man Crabbe, though she had read no end of +books. Miss Bruce had been six quarters at the high-school, knew +something of Latin and algebra, and had taken music lessons of +Monsieur Pensin‚; but she had never heard of Crabbe until she read +"Night and Morning," where, out of sheer affectation, as it seemed +to her, she found that the author had made sundry quotations from +him to adorn the heads of his chapters. As for Miss Leland, who had +been two years abroad with her father and mother, and was supposed +to know all about literature and the poets, she thought Mr. Crabbe +could not be much, since she had not even heard of him while in +England. Mr. Faulkner, the storekeeper, had not a book of Crabbe on +his shelves, though he dealt largely in hardware and literature, and +was a very respectable scholar. And Squire Brigham, the lawyer, who +mixed himself up with other people's business a great deal, busied +himself in saying: Crabbe must have been an obscure fellow, for +though there was a pyramid of old books in his library, he had not +one of this author's among them; and perhaps he ought to be thankful +for it, for indeed Mrs. Forbush had said to him in confidence, that +she understood of the little deformed man that Crabbe had written +some very bad things of lawyers. Mrs. Forbush went regularly to +Boston to get the fashions and attend the Lowell lectures; Mrs. +Forbush had written a religious novel for the "Olive Branch;" Mrs. +Forbush said, who would have thought of giving such a looking little +creature five dollars and his victuals for lecturing upon such a +subject + +The cry of fire without, and the loud peals of an alarm bell, +suddenly threw the town and the tavern into a state of great +excitement. Giles Sheridan stopped short in his discourse, and the +inmates of the house rushed in great agitation into the street. The +alarm spread rapidly, and people began to run in every direction but +the right one. One declared it a false alarm. That it was set on +foot to afford recreation for the mischievous, another was quite +sure. A third was ready to swear he saw the incendiary run down "the +lane." People ran in opposite directions, crying fire. People, +wayward and confused, were endeavoring to persuade one another that +the scene of the fire was not in the direction they were going, +though neither smoke nor flame could be seen in any part of the +town. And while the people were thus confused, an harsh and grating +voice cried out that the fire was down the lane, a narrow pathway +that led from one part of the town to another. The confused figures +of men who had stood contemplating here and there about the square, +now rushed down the lane, and soon came in hearing of moans and +lamentations, which grew louder and louder, as of one in great +distress. "Oh! unworthy sinner that I am, let every man exert +himself to remedy this misfortune!" a stifled voice was heard to cry +out, as a crowd, having gathered round a pit, where some workmen had +been digging for a well, discovered no less a person at the bottom, +half buried in sand and water, than Major Roger Potter. "Peace, good +man, and thy misfortune shall be remedied soon," said the Orthodox +clergyman, who was among the alarmists, and, notwithstanding his +accustomed frigidity, could scarce suppress a smile at seeing the +major cut so sorry a figure. The clergyman now ordered the +bystanders, who were much more inclined to enjoy the joke, to bring +ropes, and assist in relieving the distressed man, who, if not a +friend of the church, was at least a Christian. "Aye, aye," +responded the major, "and be not long about it, for the sand is +caving in, and I feel the devil fingering my toes." Seeing the +people come to his relief, the major regained his courage, (for when +discovered he was nearly frightened out of his wits,) and began +heaping curses upon the head of the miscreant who had laid so +diabolical a plot against his life. Indeed, he stubbornly refused to +be convinced that it was anything else than a trick of his enemies +to rob him of his military title. In fine, he declared to the +parson, who several times rebuked him for his free use of profane +adjectives, that nothing but his good will for mankind in general +prevented him from taking summary vengeance of his enemies with his +sword, which, fortunately for those who were making light of his +distress, he had left at home. It was not that he set so high a +value upon his life, for he had shown while in the Mexican War that +he was not wanting in valor, and was ready at any moment to +sacrifice it to his honor; but it sorely grieved him to think of +what a loss the nation and Barnstable would suffer in his death by +falling into a pit. + +The rabble, as he called those who had come to his relief, now began +to jeer him, and to demand of him a speech, merely to occupy the +time while ropes necessary to his deliverance were being brought. +This so enraged the major, that in addition to swearing he would not +be drawn up by such a set of inhuman rascals, he commenced to curse +his hard fate. A few moments more and he became calm, and looking up +beseechingly in the clergyman's face, which was reflected by the +light of a lantern, he enjoined him to hasten to his wife, Polly +Potter, and tell her of the plight he was in. She had never forsaken +him in his misfortunes. But the clergyman was scrupulous of his +dignity, and not fancying the strong quality of the expletives he +was using, took his leave, saying he could not waste sympathy upon +one who so far forgot his afflictions as to take the name of the +Lord in vain. + +Ropes were now at hand, and amidst much laughter and jeering, the +major was relieved from his perilous position, not, however, until +his face had received some bruises and his garments much injury. The +crowd now professed so much affection for him, that he began to +deplore the loss of his temper, and to offer apologies for what he +had said when in the pit, which were readily accepted, with regrets +for his misfortune. Indeed, he inwardly congratulated himself that +he had not lost a whit of his political or military popularity, and +that the mishap was one of those peculiar interpositions of +Providence which may occur in the life of any great man. As to the +oaths that had lost him the friendship of the clergyman, he +regretted them from the very bottom of his heart, and hoped his +friends, in the exercise of that generosity they had ever evinced +for him, would set them down to the bewildered and confused state of +his faculties. Hoping he would never again be in a condition to +merit their jokes, the major bowed in the politest manner, and +turned to take his departure, adding that he would have to perform +certain offices pleasing to his wife, Polly. He had, however, no +sooner turned his back, than the crowd gave out shouts of laughter, +seeing the condition his nether garments were in. Being unconscious +of the cause, the major mistook their shouts for a manifestation of +his popularity, and having paused to acknowledge it with a bow, +continued on his way as the crowd dispersed. + +It seems that the mischievous urchins, on seeing the major enter the +tavern, mounted his team and drove several times round the town, the +pig and chickens keeping up a medley of noise that seriously annoyed +numerous peaceably-disposed citizens. And having satisfied their +mischievous propensities, they left old Battle to himself, knowing +that he would keep faith with his master. Finding his faithful +animal gone, when he issued from the tavern, the major, not doubting +the steady habits of his horse, very naturally believed that he had +taken his way home, and thus forestalled his arrival. The only thing +that caused him any fear was, that some accident might occur to his +live stock. He therefore took the shortest road home, and so +completely absorbed in the contemplation of his profits, and of the +prospect of another chance for political fame, was he, that he +hastened on regardless of the planks the workmen had placed round +the well they were digging, and of which he became conscious only +when he had tumbled some twenty feet to the bottom. Beginning to +sink deeper and deeper in the sand, from which all his efforts to +extricate himself failed, he set up a cry of fire, regarding it the +one which would soonest bring him relief. And this cry he bawled +until he sent the whole town into a state of excitement. + +And now, since I have exhausted the limits of my chapter, I must +reserve what took place between the major and his wife Polly, and +how she almost fainted at seeing him enter the house in so shattered +a condition, for another chapter. + + + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + +IN WHICH THERE IS AN INTERESTING MEETING BETWEEN MAJOR POTTER AND +HIS WIFE POLLY. + + + + + +MAJOR ROGER SHERMAN POTTER lived in a little red house in the +outskirts of the town of Barnstable. There were two crabbed little +windows in front, for it could boast of but one story, and a narrow +green door, over which a prairie rose bush clustered, as if to hide +its infirmity. A small window, reminding one of a half closed +jacknife, and in which were two earthen flower pots containing +mignonnette, set jauntily upon the roof, which was so covered with +black moss, that it was impossible to tell whether it was shingled +or tiled. Indeed such was the shattered condition of the little +tenement, that you might easily have imagined it suffering from a +forty years' attack of chronic disease, and quite unfit for the +habitation of so great a military hero. The major, however, had a +peculiar faculty for reconciling humbleness with greatness, and +always overcame the remonstrances of his wife, (who was continually +urging the necessity of a larger tenement, in accordance with their +advanced popularity,) by reminding her that General Scott, who was a +great military hero, and to whom the nation owed a debt of gratitude +it had no notion of discharging until after his death, was kept poor +and humble by the nation, merely for its own convenience. In truth, +whenever Polly Potter upbraided the major for not keeping up proper +appearances, he would mutter so that her ears could not escape the +meaning, that rags might cover a nobleman, while the knave might +scent his fine linen with the perfumes of Arabia. In reply to this, +Polly would remind him in her own way, that tattered garments and +good society were not the fashion of the day, and seldom went +together. + +"Well, here I am, wife! in an unsuitable condition, I confess," said +the major, stalking into his little habitation, and embracing his +wife, who had been waiting his coming in great anxiety, seeing that +old Battle had arrived nearly an hour previous, with the tin wagon +in a very disordered condition. "Heavens! my faithful husband, my +dear good husband, what has happened?" shrieked his wife, standing +aghast for a moment, and then throwing herself almost fainting into +his arms, as two shy looking and ill clad little girls, and a boy of +some twelve years old, clung about her garments, and commenced to +cry with all the might of their lungs. The major's wife was a +slender, meekly attired woman, with exceedingly sharp features, a +bright, watchful eye, evincing great energy of character, and a +complexion which might be considered a compromise between the color +of Dr. Townsend's sarsaparilla and the daintiest olive-induced, as +the major afterwards told me, by bilious disorder. + +The major was at a loss how to account to his wife for his shattered +condition, nor was he conscious of the disordered state of his +nether garments, the rent in which had been made larger by the +process of getting him out of the pit. However, as her recovery was +almost as sudden as her notion to faint, and seeing that nothing +serious had resulted therefrom, he placed her in a chair, and +commenced recounting to her how he got into the pit, which he swore, +and made her believe, was set for him by his enemies, who had for +many years bore him great malice, in consequence of his fame, which, +God knows, he had worked hard enough to gain. "La's me, husband," +said the artless woman, making him a return of her affections; "it's +just what I've a dozen times told you they'd do, if they'd only a +sly chance. There's Robins Dobson, who has been trying for years to +be Major of the Invincibles, and it's just what his wife wants. She +wants to see his name, with the title 'tached, in the Patriot some +mornin'. Poor folks has a hard enough time to get up in the world, +and when they gets up, everybody wants to pull 'em down. That's the +way the world goes." As it had always been a custom with the good +woman to believe no greater military character than the major ever +lived-an opinion he shared to the fullest extent-so was it the most +pleasing thing with him to reciprocate the honor by asserting, +whenever an opportunity offered, that history afforded no example of +a military hero ever before being blessed with so good a wife. +Indeed I very much doubt whether there ever existed a heaven in +which love, joy, and mutual confidence were so liberally exchanged +as in this, the major's little tenement. As for furniture, it could +boast of but little, and that of the shabbiest kind. It was true, +there was a print of General Scott hung upon the discolored wall, +and another of Zack Taylor, and another of General Pierce, mounted +upon a ferocious-looking charger, and about to demonstrate his +courage (not in attacking the lines of an enemy) by rushing into the +thickest of a hailstorm. By these, especially the latter, Polly +Potter set great store, inasmuch as they illustrated the major's +taste for the profession of which he was so illustrious a member. I +had almost forgotten to mention, while enumerating the portraits of +these great generals, that there was hanging over the tea-table (as +if to do penance for some grievous wrong committed against that +venerable institutution) a picture of General Webb, who had +distinguished himself in several great battles, fought in the +columns of an almost pious newspaper, published in Wall Street, New +York, and whom Polly Potter verily believed, having heard it of the +neighbors, to be a wonderful diplomatist, which was rare in so great +a general. + +"And now, seeing that we have had but scanty fare for the week past, +and have got deeply in debt to the grocer, who has twice threatened +to take our little things for pay, pray tell us of your voyage, and +what success you have met with;" said the good woman, which reminded +the major of his neglect of his faithful horse, which, in reply to a +question concerning his arrival, he was told had come safely home, +and been put in the barn, but without either pig or chickens. The +major was not a little surprised on hearing this account of his +team, and repaired at once to the barn, where he found old Battle a +little jaded, but otherwise in his usual good condition, and as +ready as ever to acknowledge the caresses of his kind master. To his +utter astonishment neither pig nor chickens, upon which he had set +so much store, as constituting the larger half of his available +profits, were to be seen. He now swore either that the town was full +of thieves, or that it was another trick of his enemies to deprive +him of the means of sustaining his hard-earned reputation. His wife +now, evincing great grief at the sad misfortune, held the lantern +while he counted his skins and tin ware, which he found to tally +exactly with his account of stock, which he kept on a dingy slip of +paper, with the exactness of a cotton broker. "Curse on these +enemies of mine; they are all an evil minded set of blockheads!" +ejaculated the major, pausing to consider a moment, and then heaving +a sigh. "Husband, curse not your enemies," enjoined the confiding +woman, "for the Scripture teacheth that we must pray for them; and +you know we have much need of being exalted above them." + +"I leave what the Scripture teacheth to Parson Boomer," interrupted +the major, "who deals in that sort of commerce. Scripture, as I take +it, has little to do with one's military reputation. And, may the +devil take me if I don't think military men get it right nine times +out of ten, and won't be far behind them in getting to heaven, (I +mean the parsons,) unless they look well to the state of their +morals." + +Being very short, and stout, and singularly duck-legged withal, the +major, having had his attention called to the condition of his +garments, drew forth his cotton handkerchief and hung it about his +loins, as a means of protecting the exposed state of his battery. +Thus protected in his dignity, he resolved that his wife should bear +him company, and together they would sally down the road a mile or +two, in search of his lost live stock. As this necessarily incurred +some danger to his person, which it required courage to overcome, he +thought it well to step into the house and get his sword, a weapon +that never failed him, and with which, according to his own account, +he had killed innumerable Mexicans. Having girded on this venerable +weapon, he came forth as never before did military hero, swearing to +have satisfaction of every enemy who chanced in his way. + +Let it be understood by all my military acquaintances, that I mean +no offence in what I have here written. Nor must it be inferred +because I have thus accoutered the major, who must be set down for a +military politician, that such is the fashion with all great majors +and colonels; for indeed history furnishes no account of their going +to war with what is generally accepted as their most vital parts +protected with pocket handkerchiefs, not even when fleeing before +the enemies' bullets. Nor would this history sustain the reputation +for truth I have from the beginning resolved it shall maintain with +generations yet unborn, were I to leave unrecorded this act of +heroism, seeing that it has so many counterparts among those who +affect the profession of arms, and are honest enough in their belief +that the nation's battles cannot be fought without them. + +And now, having prepared himself for a tilt with assailants, rather +than a search for his pig and poultry, he strode forth, his wife +following a few steps behind, lantern in hand, and so regulating the +shadow as not to obstruct his vision. Being a woman of great +kindness, and much given to religion, his wife would pause every few +steps, and enjoin the major to treat his adversary, if any he should +chance to meet, with great consideration. There was no knowing, she +said, but that it might all be the work of some mischievous boys. +"That may be, wife; but they are set on by older heads. There's +Captain Tom Baker, and Sergeant Prentice, of the Invincibles, in it +somewhere! And they'll never stop molesting me until they have felt +the weight of this sword!" returned the major, touching the hilt of +his sword, and quickening his pace. + +They had not proceeded far, when the rippling of a brook, and a +slight rustling of leaves among some bushes by the roadside, caused +the major to halt suddenly, half unsheath his sword, and place +himself in an attitude of defence. "I said we should find them, +wife; and may the devil take me if I don't make dead men of them in +a trice." + +"Truly, husband, it is only the wind and the brook you hear, and +which, at this hour of the night, sounds very like the talking of +conspiring men," interupted the woman, as if to encourage the major, +who shrugged his shoulders, and began to show signs of fear in the +backward and cautious movement of his steps. "As I hope to be saved, +wife," returned our hero, in a modified tone of voice, "though it +takes more than a trifle to alarm me, who has seen much service in +Mexico, I am not mistaken. A vagabond of some kind lurks in the +bushes yonder, for I heard his voice as distinctly as if it had been +bawled into my ears. There! hear you not the sound of his footsteps? +Go you ahead with the light, and leave the rest to me." + +"Pray, husband, do not let your fancies lead you to rash acts." + +"Rash acts?" rejoined the major, "to kill a score of such lurking +vagabonds would only be doing good service for the devil, who merits +one's aid now and then." In evidence of her faith in the cause of +the sounds, the good woman advanced forward, and, followed by the +major, with his sword drawn and braced, they proceeded cautiously on +over the bridge, though not until our hero had several times stopped +to listen, which he declared was enjoined by every rule of the +profession, and was a means to avoid surprise while advancing upon +an enemy. + +Having ascended the brow of a hill, a short distance beyond the +bridge, it was agreed between the major and his wife, that, being +out of danger, they might now look more after the lost property and +think less of assailants. The major, in the meantime, commenced +giving his wife an account of the pig's knowing qualities, which, +together with a description of the eccentric swine driver, amused +her not a little. If the pig, she argued, was possessed of one half +the gifts set down to him, he would take care of himself for the +night; and as to the chickens, not even the black people who lived +on the hill, would think of coming out at night to steal them-for +though they were proverbially fond of keeping a large poultry yard, +and not over scrupulous of the means by which they supplied it-they +were too sparing of their energies to waste them at that hour of +night. She therefore enjoined that they return peaceably home, and +leave the search to be resumed at daylight. The major admitted the +reason of his wife's argument, but declared his determination to +traverse the road round and return by way of the tavern. It might, +in truth, betray a want of courage, did he retrace his steps at this +stage of the road. + +"As to courage, husband," said his wife, holding the lantern so near +that the shadow reflected over his broad face, "I am sure you have +already proved that you are not wanting in that; and as there are +but a few hours until daylight, we had as well go home and get us +comfortably to bed." The figure of a man, whose dusky shadow +reflected along the fence, was now seen approaching in the road. The +major had no sooner descried him, than he fell in with his wife's +opinion, and as a practical illustration of his faith in it, +commenced retracing his steps so fast that it was with much +difficulty she could keep up with him. Looking neither to the right +nor the left, he continued on until he had gained the house, from +the door of which he turned to look back, when, finding the figure +had vanished, he said with an air of regained courage, that it was +not that he feared the miscreant, but having a wife and three +children dependent upon him, he could not hope for forgiveness were +he to risk his valuable life in combat with a lurking vagabond. He +therefore shut the door, partook of an humble supper, and went +quietly to bed, leaving the pig and chickens to take care of +themselves until daylight. + + + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + +WHEREIN IS RECORDED EVENTS WHICH TOOK PLACE ON THE DAY FOLLOWING THE +MAJOR'S ARRIVAL AT BARNSTABLE, WITH SUNDRY OTHER QUEER THINGS. + + + + + +THE sun was filling the east with golden filaments, and the sparrows +were making the air melodious with their songs, glad, no doubt, at +the major's return, when, on the morning following the events I have +recorded in the foregoing chapter, I was awakened by a voice singing +sweetly under my window. I soon recognized it as the voice of +Bessie, whose image rose up in my fancy as the fairest of living +creatures. At first, my senses seemed seized with a pleasant +delirium; but soon the strains came so sweet and tender that I lost +all power over my emotions, while it seemed to me as if my fancy had +winged its way to some land where love and joy rules unclouded. "O, +sweet transport, whither wilt thou beguile me!" I said with a sigh, +as the voice ceased its singing, and the effect was like an electric +shock, consuming me with disappointment. But I heard the dulcet +echoes mingling faintly with the songs of birds, as if some seraph +had strung her lute to give sweet music to the winds; and I was +consoled. + +After a few moments' pause the voice again broke forth from the +garden, and I caught the following words, which, if I can trust my +treacherous memory, belong to a song written by the learned Dr. +Easley when in the tutelage of his literary career, and heaven +knows, (for he was then a priest of slender means,) before he ever +thought of translating German or becoming the pensioned puffer of +three New York booksellers: "Come, gentle stranger, haste thee +hither, Tarry not, for I am lonely--Come and tell me whom thou +lovest Or the throbbing mischief will my heart betray." This being a +fair and honest specimen of Easley's early attempts at +versification, it was said of him by those best qualified to judge, +that had he but stuck to the pulpit and sonnet writing, he would in +time have become an adept, for he could compose pathetically enough, +and so regulate his points as to make his theology appear quite +profound. But he had a weakness which ran to the getting of gold, +and this betrayed him into the commerce of literature, where he had +become a critic of easy virtue, and had attracted about him +innumerable adorers, principally maidens of twenty, whose elegant +endowments and clever novels he could not sufficiently extol. +Besides being a poet and a great praiser of small books, the learned +doctor had a rare talent for making ladies' slippers, which, it had +been more than once hinted, was the trade of his early youth. It was +now charged upon him, though I do not assert it of my own knowledge, +that he had found it profitable to become the assassin of criticism +and the undertaker of literature, for which offices he was amply +qualified, notwithstanding the very serious writers in Putnam's +Magazine thought he ought to be transported to Sandy Hook, there to +do penance among the breakers a whole November. And this punishment +they would no doubt have carried out, but for the two newspapers and +four booksellers, who stood in so much need of his virgin goodness +that they refused to part with him even for a day. + +After another pause, the voice of Bessie again struck up, and this +time she sung: "O, had I Ariadne's crown, At morning I would sing to +thee--Would sing of dew-drops on thy ringlets, Then my Apollo thou +should'st be." This, also, was by the learned Doctor Easley, and is +extracted from a poem published in his native village many years +ago. Having great confidence in its numerous beauties, which the +villagers, being humble people, failed to discover, the doctor +resolved to seek his fortune in New York, confident that first rate +poetic talent never was appreciated in the country. + +The sweetness of Bessie's voice (not the words) so enchanted me, +that I arose, dressed myself, and hurried down stairs, and into the +reading room, where the little deformed man was premeditating the +ill fate of his lecture. He returned my salutation with great +earnestness of manner, told me he had walked three times around the +square, listening to the birds sing. And, too, he had been regarded +by young Barnstable as an object of curiosity. Impatient to engage +me in conversation, he drew forth his notes, which he as suddenly +shut up and returned to his pocket, on seeing the clerical looking +man enter the room, accompanied by his bride, her countenance the +very picture of innocence betrayed. + +The little deformed man had evidently taken a dislike to the gray +haired and milky faced groom; for no sooner had he pocketed his +notes than he set to pacing the room rapidly, frisking his fingers +alternately behind and before him, and casting half angry glances +over his shoulder at him. I took advantage of this display of +irrascibility on the part of the lecturer, and passed into the hall, +where Bessie, having ceased her singing, was busily arranging the +furniture and attending to those little domestic duties which, in +towns where fashion rules, are left to untutored servants. She +received my salutation with a modest courtesy, but became so +confused and agitated as I pressed her hand, that, unable to resist +the temptation, I stole a kiss ere she was conscious of my +intention. "It is not kind of you, sir," she said, in a half chiding +whisper; "you must not do it again." And she set her black eye upon +me, inquiringly, and artlessly raised her apron, as if to wipe away +the blushes. Fain would I have pressed her to my bosom, and +beseeched her to regard me as a brother. But her face suddenly +became lighted up with a smile, and such was the perfection of its +beauty that to me it seemed created only for an angel. I asked +myself if there was on earth any thing I could aspire to with so +much gallantry as her love; nor could I suppress the thought, that +he who would betray it was unworthy even of the devil. + +Bessie quickly regained her temper, and as if suddenly recalling +something to mind, began prattling to me in the most artless manner. +"Just think, sir," said she, "what a disturbance there is in town +this morning." And she laid her hand gently upon my arm. "That queer +man they call the major, and who is thought half fool and half +philosopher, has got back; and there's always such a time in town +when he comes. And, don't you think, he has brought an audacious pig +with him. And the pig has gone to work (they say, sir, that he is +possessed of a devil) and broke into poor Elder Boomer's fowl yard, +and eat up all his chickens. And the brute does such queer things! +As for the poor elder, God knows he has a hard enough time to live. +He only gets five hundred dollars a year, and what the sewing circle +does for him. Only last week the circle gave him new dresses for all +his family, and a nice three-ply carpet, which I made for him. I +forgot to tell you, too, that about a month since the circle gave +him a new set of dimity bed curtains, and two marseilles quilts; and +now they will have to make him up the loss of his chickens. Just +think of it, sir! And he's such a good old man, and preaches such +good sermons. I do wish, you could hear him once, sir." Here Bessie +paused to take breath. I assured her that he must be a fortunate man +who had such lips to speak his praises. At which she gave me a +rogueish look, blushed, and tossed her head reprovingly. Nothing, I +replied, would give me so much pleasure, especially did she bear me +company, as to attend the elder's church; but, however strong my +inclinations, they could not now be gratified, for the imperative +nature of my mission left me but one or two days to tarry in +Barnstable. This caused her feelings some disquiet; but with great +good sense she changed the subject of conversation, and commenced +giving me a detailed account of the various kind acts performed by +the sewing circle, of which she was a member, and which was chiefly +made up of worthy ladies, who sought out the needy and relieved +their wants, knowing that charity well bestowed is recorded in +heaven. + +The sewing circle exercised a sort of paternity over all cases of +distress, and according to Bessie, never withheld relief, except +when the object requiring it was given to strong drink. In truth, it +was held that something must be done for all persons in distress; +and so many were the poor foreign families moving into town, that it +was seldom the circle had not its hands full. As to the provision +prohibiting strong drink, it was found at times to work somewhat +inconveniently, inasmuch as most of the objects of charity, (the +clergy excepted,) liked a little; and being of foreign birth they +could always find the means to get it, though they generally swore +they had not wherewith to get a penny loaf. + +"And what is worse," resumed Bessie, recurring to the mischievous +pig, "as if it wasn't enough that the elder lost all his chickens, +but some evil-minded people must go and get into the church, and put +a coop full of poor little fowls on the pulpit. O! there's such an +ado about it over town!" + +It being the custom of the country to breakfast at seven o'clock, +and that hour having arrived, a man in a blue smock frock issued +from a side door, (Bessie vaulted up the hall as he entered,) and +commenced ringing a bell in so loud a manner that I verily thought +he would alarm the whole neighborhood. An opening of doors, and a +general movement for the dining room, a long, simply furnished, but +exquisitely clean apartment, was now made. A table covered with +linen of snowy whiteness, and set out with great good taste, ranged +up the center of the room; and we sat down to a breakfast of steak, +and ham, and eggs, and cold chickens, and fish balls, and hot rolls, +and corn cakes, and brown bread-all prepared so nice and delicately, +that even the most fastidious could have found nothing to grumble +at. Indeed it was said of the the landlord of the "Independent +Temperance," that he spared neither pains nor expense in the +management of his house, which had gained much fame over the +country, though it had thrice made him a bankrupt with three score +of creditors, who were always ready to say wicked things of him. +Some people said if the temperance society would only let him have +his way, he would pay, and no thanks to anybody. + +Bessie, and two trimly dressed maidens of riper years, waited upon +the guests, nor thought the occupation bemeaning. And so nimble were +their movements, and so gentle the manner in which they dispensed +their courtesies, that I began to regret my bachelorhood, and to +wish all male attendants exiled to Nantucket, where their habitual +unclean condition would find a welcome among the whalemen. + +I had well nigh dispatched my breakfast, when there arose a loud +noise, as of voices in dispute, in the bar-room. Bessie began to +tremble from head to foot, and to turn pale. "You must give up the +pig, or stand the chances-now mind that!" said a voice which I at +once recognized as that of the renowned Major Potter. + +"Heaven knows I am a man of peace; but you must make good the loss I +have suffered. All this trouble and mischief is done by the +audacious brute you have brought into the town. You go out for good, +and always come home bringing the town trouble. I have warned you of +the error of your ways. But since you take not heed, we shall see +what virtue there is in the Squire." This was said in a more +modified tone of voice. Bessie said that it was the voice of Elder +Boomer. + +"You needn't think you are such a treasure! The town can get along +well enough without you. By my military reputation, if I don't think +all this ado about the poor pig is a trick to get the advantage of a +neighbor you imagine hasn't got as good a lien upon heaven as +yourself. Now, good man, do you take the safest plan, give the +animal up to its owner, and trust to heaven for the price of the +chickens, for it is written somewhere, that peace makers, being +blessed, should not be peace breakers-" + +"To quarrel is not my desire," interrupted the elder; "for such +would not become me, who have no experience in arms; but I enjoin +you to give up the life you are living, and so turn your energies to +Christ's truth, that you may become worthy of heaven." + +"Heaven has nothing to do with my pig!" rejoined the major. "Nor do +I think this talking of heaven, while keeping him in bondage, will +amount to much. Come! turn him out, be a christian, practice what +you preach, and trust to heaven for the reward, as you would have me +do!" To this the elder replied somewhat testily, that he would keep +the animal fast locked up until the damages were settled, +notwithstanding his faith in future rewards was in nowise shaken. I +entered the bar room and found the major thrusting his hands into +the huge pockets of his trowsers, walking round the elder, who was a +man of meek aspect, and singularly lean of figure. Then canting his +head with an air of self complacency, he enjoined the elder not to +separate his works from his faith. + +No sooner had the major caught a glance of me, than he approached, +saluted me as became his military rank, and drew me aside to show me +how handsomely the Patriot had recorded his arrival. This done, he +commenced recounting the causes of his dispute with the parson, who +would every few minutes speak up, and dispute the truth of his +assertion, which so displeased the major, that had the parson been a +fighting man, he would have challenged him to mortal combat, as it +is called. As it was, he contented himself with getting in a +passion, and swearing to have revenge, though it cost him six years' +separation from his wife, Polly Potter. + +Although famous for his disregard of truth, the major affected never +to have his word disputed, and was at all times ready to draw his +sword in its defence. "Heaven, as you know, knows all things, sir," +said he, addressing himself to me; "and it knows me incapable of +doing a dishonorable act. And therefore I say to you, for I hold it +an honor and no disgrace to be a politician, that if you will hear +patiently the cause of my dispute with this parson, I will accept +your decision in the matter as final. But, heaven save the mark! use +your judgment a little, sir, and be not like some of our judges, who +seek to please those who promise most, and having little virtue, ask +you to accept their good advice in excuse for their evil example." +The major having said this with an air of conciliation, gave his +head a significant toss, and his trowsers, which had got loose about +his hips, a few twitches into place. + +It now came to the parson's turn to speak. He shook his head at +first, and was not a little reluctant about acceding to such terms; +but on being assured of my position as a politician, who had done so +much for Cape Cod, and the hard cider campaign, he resolved to +accept my decision as final. Meanwhile, the major had screwed up his +courage, and was making a circle round the parson, and loudly +calling upon the landlord to bear witness that it had been his motto +through life to wrong no man. + +Numerous idlers had by this time gathered round the disputants, each +giving his opinion on the merits of the question, and offering to +back it up with dollars or drinks. Indeed, some of the opinions +delivered by them were quite as profound as any delivered by our +City Justices, and indeed discovered a superior sense of prudence. +But it soon became evident that popular opinion was on the side of +the major and his pig. And popular opinion was right, the major +said, and ought to be respected all over the world. At this juncture +of affairs, the lean figure of the nonresistant, (who was sure not +to be far off when there was any chance of a disturbance,) stood in +the doorway, and immediately engaged in the dispute. "I have not +come (heaven knows I have not!) to give an opinion; but as I am +here, it may be as well so to do, for heaven knows I am a man of +peace, which it is my mission to preserve." The nonresistant was +here interrupted by the major, who squared up to him with clenched +fists, and bid him begone, or he would make splinters of him in a +trice. The man, however, was not daunted by such threats, and +getting his choler up, told the major he verily believed him to be a +mixture of Jew and Celt, and as such, always more ready to talk than +fight. He then told the parson, that although he held him in no very +high favor, he would hint for his own sake, that he could in no way +get the better of his enemy so well as by releasing the pig from +custody, and delivering him into the hands of his owner, saying: +"'Neighbor, prudence being the twin brother of peace, and both being +acceptable to heaven, I have thought it well to restore thee thy +pig, that thou mayest comfort him. He has eaten up my chickens, it +is true, and he has otherwise done me grievous harm; but I freely +forgive him, seeing that heaven made him a brute. Thou mayest take +care of him; do for him what seemeth good; and know that as a +christian I bear thee no malice. Let the good offset the evil, and I +will trust in heaven to repair the loss I have suffered.'" + +The nonresistant held that kindness was of itself so great a weapon, +that it would incite generosity in the major-in a word, that he +would give all his tin ware, with old Battle thrown in, rather than +let such goodness suffer. But the major was not so easily seduced, +and, calling the nonresistant a miscreant, he again bid him begone, +or he would hasten his exit with the toe of his boot. On assenting +to sit in judgment on the case in dispute, I took the precaution to +stipulate that peace be preserved, and that the one should keep his +lips sealed while the other was making his statement. But the parson +commenced his statement by declaring the pig to be possessed of the +devil; indeed it could not be otherwise, he said, since the strange +antics it performed, and which he minutely described, betrayed a +desire in him only to do evil. This the major immediately rose to +dispute; and thrusting his hands into the ample pockets of his +breeches, he declared with great emphasis, that he would not hear a +word said against the pig's morals and sagacity, seeing that he had +been reared and educated in the care of the clergy. In truth, he had +given out so many proofs of rare sagacity, that the major stated it +as his intention to speedily proceed with him to New York, there to +have his "Life and Times" written by the erudite Easley, who was +said to be strangely profound as a critic, in which capacity he +wrote for three newspapers, and read for three or more publishers, +all of whom where celebrated for not selling less than one hundred +thousand copies of every work to which they affixed their imprint, +though it was said of them that they had thrown to the public no end +of literary carrion, which Easley had praised. + +Order being restored, the major gave way to the parson, who closed +his case by asserting that his poverty entitled him to compensation. +The major now rose, and with considerable clearness, set forth the +fact, that no evidence had been produced to show either that the pig +was disposed to evil, or that he had devoured a single chicken. +Feathers were scattered round, but feathers might have been laid +there as a blind by some rascal who had divers evil designs against +the hen roosts of his neighbors. Christians ought always, the major +contended, to take a generous view of things before they couched the +fatal spear. Again, there was neighbor Kimball's pet fox, an arrant +rascal, who was known to have a strange penchant for young chickens, +and had committed depredations enough to consign him to the gallows. + +The above view of the case somewhat modified the parson's temper, +and as he would not have those present think him less than a +Christian gentleman, who would rather go supperless to bed than +wrong his fellow, he, in the blandest manner, begged them not to +think for a moment that he intended wrong. So, with great sanctity +of countenance, he laid his hand upon his heart, called Omnipotence +to witness that he bore the major no ill will, and was ready to +atone for aught he had said damaging to his feelings. And this +display of repentance well nigh dissolved the major into tears. The +disputants now shook hands, and swore eternal friendship. The major +bowed, and placed his hand to his heart; and the parson bowed, and +placed his hand to his heart; and thus was I relieved from rendering +a verdict, which most likely would have pleased neither. It was +likewise intimated to the parson, that the sewing circle would make +good his loss, with fourfold interest, which consoled him much. +Together then the two friends, without further ceremony, set out to +release the animal from bondage, congratulating one another that +they had been wise enough to keep out of the hands of lawyers. On +arriving at the parson's yard, to which they were followed by a +crowd of idlers, they were not a little surprised to find that the +pig had taken his departure, having first beaten the dog in a fair +fight, and twice driven the kitchen maid frightened into the house. +Great anxiety was now manifested to see an animal of such rare +qualities; and on further search being made, he was discovered in +neighbor Kimball's yard, fraternizing with his pet fox, and +otherwise conducting himself so unbecomingly, as to make it evident +that the friends of free love had inducted him into the mysteries of +their system. In truth, he bore no small resemblance to a few of the +disciples of that very accommodating system, for he was lean of +figure, had a long, narrow head, and a vacant look out of the eyes. + +"Duncan! my own Duncan!" ejaculated the major, his broad face +flushed with joy. The animal raised his snout, gave a significant +grunt, and ceasing his caressings, ran to his master, a double curl +in his tail. Having got possession of his property, the major +returned thanks within himself, invoked a blessing on the head of +the parson, whom he cursed in his heart, and set out for home, +followed by his pig and a score of mischievous boys, making the very +air resound with their hootings. + + + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + +WHICH TREATS OF WHAT WAS DONE WITH THE PIG; AND ALSO OF THE LECTURE +ON CRABBE, BY GILES SHERIDAN, AND VARIOUS THINGS. + + + + + +WHEN Major Roger Potter reached his home, he found his wife Polly +waiting with eager desire to see the animal he had so vividly +described. "Pray to God, dear Polly," said he, embracing and kissing +his wife, as the mischievous boys set up a loud yell, "for our pig +is safe, and in him there is a fortune, which you shall share, and +he comforted." And having consigned the animal to the care of his +wife, who, although a strong minded woman in her way, looked at +first with no little distrust on the animal, but became favorably +impressed on seeing him cut certain curious capers round the room. +Indeed she soon began to congratulate herself on the possession of +so rare a creature, and to invoke certain ills on the head of the +parson for holding him so tight in his fingers. "Peace, dear Polly," +enjoined the major, "for goodness belongs to our kind. The +nonresistant was right, (and right should have its right,) when he +advised me to use goodness as the most effectual weapon to demolish +an adversary. It becomes me, as it does all good christians, to +reverence and adore the Church; but I own it is not in me to +reverence those priests and deacons who affect to regale your palate +with truth, while splitting God's goodness into fragments, merely to +please those who have a terrible thirst to get to heaven over a road +no one else travels." + +"As to that, my dear husband," responded the earnest woman, "I +cannot be a judge. But a major as famous as yourself, should be +careful how he mixes glory with his profanity; lest the public, +whose servant he is, set it down against him, and use it to his +injury on election day." + +"Truly, wife," rejoined the major, assuming an air of great +self-complacency, "we military politicians had needs keep our wits +whetted, and be careful how much honey we mix with the brimstone. +But I must go look up my chickens; and if the devil, as some say, +regulates the future affairs of politicians, we may safely leave our +enemies to him." The good woman now brought food for the pig, when, +having devoured it with a keen appetite, the major, in order to test +his various talents, put him to a severe examination. It was found +that he could perform with wonderful agility numerous gymnastic +feats, such as jumping backward and forward, walking and vaulting +upon his hinder legs, and keeping time to certain tunes. He could +also distinguish between certain figures and letters of the +alphabet, to the latter of which he would, when directed, point with +his nose. Like some of our New York politicians, the pig was a +wondrous animal in various ways. In fine, so extraordinary was his +talent, that, as I have before said, the major resolved at once to +proceed with him to one of our great cities, where first rate +talent, whether of pigs or tragedians, was sure to find +appreciation. But before this could be carried out, it was necessary +that the services of Monsieur Pensin‚, who gave lessons in +politeness to youths just entering society, be engaged to cultivate +and so polish his manners as to render him an acceptable member of +the Union Club, under the patronage of which institution, (generally +supposed to have been established for the cultivation of effeminacy +and other vices, common to the Dutch of New York,) he was sure to +become a lion. Monsieur Pensin‚ had figured in New York; was an +exile of unquestionable nobility; and if we can trust the Tribune, a +journal in high favor with foreign counts, a hero of enlarged +celebrity. + +And now the sagacious animal, fatigued with the labors of his +examination, evinced an inclination to sleep, and to that end sought +a distant corner of the room. "We must treat him tenderly, dear +Polly, for he has wonderful instincts," said the major, casting a +look of endearing sympathy at the animal. The good woman pledged her +word not to be found wanting. Indeed so well did she appreciate the +instincts, and even the tastes of the animal, that, having at hand a +stray copy of the New York Express, and another of a very rare but +no less wonderful journal, called the Mirror, (whose editor was +famous for the immense amount of light and shade he threw into his +financial operations,) she spread them upon the floor for his bed. +And with an evident fellow feeling for those worthy journals, the +animal coiled himself down, casting an approving look at the good +woman as she covered him with an aged copy of the Herald. Seeing the +animal thus reconciled, the major declared, that so pure a native +American as Duncan could not have selected bed more appropriate, +though he was not quite sure how the Express editors would regard +the matter. Indeed, he was not quite sure that they would not, +feeling sorely grieved, dig up Duncan's ancestors, and thereby find +a means of damaging his character. + +As the precious animal calmly went to sleep, the major sallied out, +having first drawn his sword to disperse the noisy boys who had +gathered about his door, and who hurled no few missiles at his head +before they were routed. He then set out for the church, where he +had an altercation with the sexton, which had resulted in blows but +for his courage giving out. Twice he lost his temper, and twice he +regained it. He at length got into the church, in search of his +chickens; and to his great surprise and mortification, found that +some political or military enemy (he would swear it was no one else) +had broken his coop, and set them loose among the pews. Indeed it +was high noon when the major got possession of his fowls, which he +did with the aid of the sexton and several mischievous boys. He then +secured them nicely in his coop, and having shouldered it, returned +to his wife, presenting her with another proof of the success of his +voyage, and relating how he got the advantage of Mrs. Trotbridge in +the trade of the Shanghais. After which he seated himself in a +chair, and for several minutes seemed absorbed in deep study. "Now, +I tell thee, my dear Polly," he suddenly broke out, "Major Potter +was born for no ordinary man. My enemies can inflict no injuries +that will discourage me, for I have got scars enough, heaven knows; +and scars are the proofs of a brave soldier. Major Potter never ran +from an enemy! And that is something for a man to say who has been +in the Mexican war. It was, as you know, by the merest slip in the +world that I did not succeed to fortune the two last times I was in +public life. And, dear Polly, I have now a better chance than ever, +having fallen in with a great politician in search of fame. By +joining our fortunes I will so manage it as to get the better of my +enemies; and with a little aid from my friends of the newspapers, +you will yet see me in power. I am a man of valor, I mix but little +honey with my brimstone; and let my enemies say what they will, take +my word for it, you shall yet see yourself the wife of a foreign +minister." + +"As to your valor, dear husband," returned his affectionate wife, +"no one ever doubted it who knew you; and though there is nothing I +so much covet as to be the wife of a foreign minister, and to move +among great people abroad, and talk about it when I get home, our +family is growing up, and need all we can earn to get them bread. +And as they might become a town tax, while you were getting the +office, perhaps we had better thank heaven, and remain humble folks +until we can get to be fine ones without being sneered at." + +"Indeed, Polly," said the major, in reply, "if any such mishap +should befall you while I am gone, you must pray heaven, and get +along as well as you can until I send relief. It is noble to +struggle on and wait for the reward, which always comes." The good +woman heard these words with tears in her eyes, and began to tax her +resolution for means to meet the emergency; for she saw clearly that +the major had got a freak into his head, and was about to give up +the business of peddling tin ware, at which he made an honest +living, and again lead the vagabond life of a politician. + +And while this colloquy was proceeding between the major and his +wife, I had taken a seat in the reading-room of the "Independent +Temperance," where Giles Sheridan, the little deformed man, was +nervously pacing the floor, and pausing every few minutes either to +give me a few random sketches of his career in the world, or to +mutter his misgiving at the result of his lecture on Crabbe. In +truth, he had been waited upon several times during the morning by +persons regarded by the town as famous for their great learning, all +of whom said, if he had chosen a subject less remote, they would +have guaranteed a large house; as it was, they were not quite so +sure of the result. Soon the dapper figure of Bessie appeared in the +room. "Please, sir," she said, as her cheeks crimsoned with blushes, +"they say you came into town with that queer man they call Major +Potter?" + +"And what of that, my child?" I replied, as another sentence +trembled upon her lips, which were as tempting as ripe cherries. + +"Why, sir," she lisped, "you must know that although he now and then +talks like a sensible man, he is set down for a great fool. He +affords a deal of amusement for the boys, and never comes home but +what he keeps the whole town in an uproar. Being a great fool is +what got him elected Major of the Invincibles. And then he fancies +himself a great politician, and goes about the country delivering +lectures, as he calls them, and leaves his family to starve. Proceed +no farther with him; for I heard our minister say (and he never +profanes his calling) that the devil had run away with his brains. +He is always talking about his valor, and his military dignity; but +his poor distressed wife can tell you all about that." She was +proceeding to say much more, but was interrupted by the appearance +of the major, who, as he said, came to say, that as his wife was +sick of a fever, and the house in a somewhat disordered condition, I +must excuse his not giving me an invitation to dine with him. He +hoped, however, that sufficient proof had been given to convince me +of the high estimation in which he was held by Barnstable in +general. "Pardon what I may have said extravagant of myself, sir. +The rabble, you know, are always ready to get down a man of genius, +and to misconstrue his acts; but the thinking never fail, as they +have done with me, to give merit its due." Having said this with +refreshing self complacency, the major turned to Giles Sheridan, +(Bessie had left the room,) and as if to add to his discomfiture, +told him he had little to expect from his lecture on Crabbe, of whom +it was said that he could not be much of a poet, since the people of +Barnstable knew so little of him. Indeed he offered to wager two +dozen tin pints, a Shanghai chicken, and his military honor with the +little deformed man, that he would give an exhibition with his pig, +whose wonderful qualifications had already got noised over town, and +attract a greater audience. Indeed, as I have resolved never to +swerve from the truth in this history, it must be here acknowledged +that the pig had become quite as famous as his master. + +The little deformed man was in nowise pleased with such a comparison +of his acquirements, and answered by saying, it did not become him +to hold argument with a man, however high his military position, who +would place genius in the scale with brute instinct. Seeing the pain +he had caused the little man, the major said he meant no offence, +and was ready to get upon his knees, dissolved in tears, if that +were necessary to a good and sufficient apology. In fine, it must be +said of the major, that, although he was at times emphatic in his +eccentric declarations, he would not knowingly wound the feelings of +those who had done him no harm. And, unlike some editors of New York +newspapers, he always held himself accountable according to the +strictest military rules, nor was he ever known to regard the +character of his fellow in arms as of so little worth, that he would +daily splinter it for the amusement of the public. + +The major said he had come to see if I was comfortable, and to +inform me that he had thrown the editor of the Patriot a sly hint +about noticing the arrival of so distinguished a person as myself. +And the editor had assured him it would be properly recorded in his +columns, and so embroidered as to make it pleasant to his fancy. The +major now took leave of me, satisfied within himself of having +convinced me that he was a man of stupendous parts. I must not +forget to say that he promised to call again, and be present at the +lecture in the evening, inasmuch as his absence could not fail to be +seriously felt. + +Night came on, and with it there gathered into the lecture room of +the Orthodox Church, an audience of many bonnets and much +respectability. Proverbially inquisitive, the people of the good old +town of Barnstable were on tip-toe, to see the man of whose curious +figure they had heard so much. And as if to gratify their curiosity, +Giles Sheridan now rose, frisked the little black scroll about in +his fingers, wiped the sweat nervously from his brow, and, in a +faltering voice, gave an interesting sketch of the early life of his +darling poet. This he continued for more than an hour, now warming +into eloquence, now subsiding into a low, desponding voice. But his +hearers sat unmoved, nor was one hand of applause raised to cheer +his too misgiving heart. They wondered, and listened, and looked at +one another, as was the custom of the country. The little deformed +man, however, took it as a proof that he had failed to interest +them; and this sorely taxed his sensitive nature. I ought also not +to forget to mention that the speaker was twice interrupted by the +major, who begged that he would state the exact quality of poetry +written by his friend, the poet. The audience took this interruption +very good naturedly, while the speaker gratified the major's +curiosity by reciting a number of verses written by him. The major +then said he was fully satisfied that this Mr. Crabbe must have been +a great poet; but he thought if the speaker had known one Sergeant +Milton, who wrote poetry in honor of the regiment he was major of +during the Mexican war, he would not have set Mr. Crabbe on so high +a horse. Indeed, according to what the major said, this Sergeant +Milton was the most wonderful poet that ever sung of the Mexican +War; and in addition to the gift of being a versifier, he was +celebrated for brewing an excellent whiskey punch, without which no +poet could hope for prosperity in New York, where punch begat +poetry, and foul linen seemed inseparable from poets. + +The speaker smiled at the major's quaint remarks concerning his +friend, Sergeant Milton. But such was the failure he fancied himself +making, that he would gladly have given the fifteen dollars he was +to receive in pay for his lectures, and said not a word about the +victuals, to have got quietly out of town. But in truth he had not a +shilling in his pocket, and the money he was to receive of the +committee constituted the forlorn hope of his future fortunes. So, +with a heart overburdened with despondency, and an eye made liquid +with anxiety, he concluded in a faltering voice, and heaved a sigh. +And as no one came forward to congratulate him, and the very +atmosphere seemed to partake of the frigidity of the audience, he +watched his hearers disperse in silence, frisking his fingers, and +wondering if he had made them any wiser on the life of one Crabbe. + +But a silent tongue is no proof of what the heart feels; nor does +the outward demonstration carry with it the stronger appreciation of +merit. And so it proved in this instance. It being the custom of the +country not to applaud on such occasions, the audience went home to +unbosom its approval, which was of the heartiest kind. On his way +home, the little man was joined by an elder of the church, who, +seeing his despondency, said unto him: "Permit me to congratulate +you, sir, for never was audience more interested in a lecture. You +did nobly, sir." The little man's heart was touched. He grasped the +speaker by the hand firmly, and as his enthusiasm broke its bounds, +he poured forth his gratitude in a rhapsody of thanks. Indeed, so +quickly did the word of consolation reinstate his confidence, that +he became like an overjoyed child, and in the innocence of his heart +invited the elder home with him, that they might enjoy a punch +together. In short, he not only convinced Barnstable that Mr. Crabbe +was a great poet, but so enlisted sympathy for himself, that the +benevolent ladies of the sewing circle, seeing the dilapidated state +of his raiment, made him up a purse, and presented it with an +intimation that Warren, the tailor, lived at the corner. I should +not forget to mention, that his second and third lectures proved +more successful than the first, and that Major Roger Potter looked +in at the "Independent Temperance" to compliment the little deformed +man on the very learned character of his lecture, much of which (so +he said) had so deeply interested him, that he had resolved to +incorporate it into his next political speech, which he intended +soon to make in opposition to that arch agitator, Thomas Benton, +Esq., and which the state of the nation demanded should be done at +no very distant day. Having said this, he called me aside, and +enjoining me to keep what he said a profound secret, whispered what +will be related in the next chapter, and took his departure. + + + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + +WHICH TREATS OF HOW MAJOR ROGER SHERMAN POTTER, SOLELY IN OBEDIENCE +TO THE DEMANDS OF THE NATION, TURNED A DEAF EAR TO THE REMONSTRANCES +OF HIS WIFE POLLY, AND SAILED FOR NEW YORK, TO THE GREAT DELIGHT OF +LITTLE BARNSTABLE. + + + + + +"You will see, sir," whispered the major, putting the fore finger of +his right hand to his lips, "that my inclination never runs to small +things. It quite confounded my wife, Polly, when I revealed to her +my intention of complying with your request, and of our setting out +together in search of fame and fortune. But as I have the power of +persuasion pretty largely developed, and am in all quite a +philosopher, I overcame her objections by telling her you were a +sprightly young gentleman, whose political fame and great learning +was coupled with the most kind and affectionate disposition. 'Honor, +husband,' says she, 'to whom honor is due. I know you have deserved, +if you have not yet achieved. But let not your success in office +carry away your modesty and humility. And above all, remember to +think of us at home, for I have heard it said that politicians let +their loves run too free when away from their wives.' Having assured +her that I would not forget her admonition, and be careful upon what +damsel I let a double look fall, she consented that I might depart a +third time, and see what could be done. And I made a vow never to +forget her while the sun of prosperity shone upon me. Now, if you +will just fix the time of our departure, you will find me ready. +Major Potter, as you have seen, is no small man in Barnstable. Major +Potter never comes and goes without being noticed. And if you havn't +had proof enough of my popularity, you'll see what an ado there will +be made when I leave. Honor, as my wife Polly says, always awaits +them who merit it; and though a man's modesty will not let him be +for ever speaking of himself, I may say it to you, seeing that we +are about to join our fortunes, that the people never see me go +without a regret. As to my children, I shall give each an admonition +before I leave; and as I hope one day to see them enjoying the +admiration, as well as the distinction my military reputation will +confer upon them, it will be safe to leave the rest to heaven." The +major conveyed this information in so quaint a manner that I could +not suppress a smile, though it disclosed a resolution I by no means +welcomed. In truth, I had already seen so much of his +eccentricities, that I was hoping our acquaintance would cease in +Barnstable. But it now became apparent that he regarded himself not +only a necessary item in my welfare, but as being most essential to +the achievement of my designs. So, charging me to think no more of +Bessie, whom he hinted was as coy a little witch as ever waited on +the table of a country tavern, and ready at all times to make love +with every dashing young fellow who chanced that way, he took his +departure, promising to call at noon on the next day. + +Having passed the night in refreshing sleep, I was up with the sun +on the following morning, and before noon had received the calls of +several distinguished citizens, two or three of whom requested that +I "remain over," and deliver an address on the state of the nation. +Offering my inability as an apology for not complying with their +request, I was surprised that so obscure a person should receive +such homage. The mystery, however, was very soon explained. The +major, adopting the method in fashion with some of our modern +politicians, had been actively noising it about, that no greater +politician than myself ever lived; and that, being on my way to +Washington in search of a foreign mission, I had generously invited +him to accompany me. The major was indeed building up my reputation +with a view to the consolidation of his own. He had also deluded the +editor of the Patriot, (who was a man much given to good jokes,) +into writing several long articles in compliment of my political +achievements, and which were of so serious a style, that the distant +reader, unaccustomed to the tricks of editors, must have been +grievously misled. And indeed such was the fact, for the political +excitement makers of New York had no sooner seen the article copied +into their newspapers, than they set about contriving a plan by +which to rob the city treasury of some thousands of dollars, under +the pretext of giving me a public reception worthy of the city and +so great a man. + +Toward evening, the major made his appearance in the "Independent +Temperance," and handing me a copy of the New York Herald, pointed +to a letter in its columns, written by one Don Fernando, who it was +said hoped soon to be mayor of the city, which office many persons +seriously believed had been created for the accommodation of men +happily endowed with a fondness for showing their greatness, which +was the case with the aspiring Don Fernando, whose light was no +taper burning in a small space. The letter set forth, with many +flourishes, the necessity for showing proper respect to one so +distinguished in the political world. And this the major held to be +a significant token of the success that awaited us. He further +hinted that the next thing we should see would be a resolution +introduced at the Board of Common Council, (provided a member could +be found sober enough to do it,) to vote a sum of money adequate to +the occasion, with an additional clause, that a committee be +appointed to carry out the arrangements. But why should not a worthy +servant of the people be thus honored? There were those of the +honorable council who held it no harm to be liberal in the treatment +of distinguished strangers, seeing that it cost them nothing, and +might, by some bare possibility, afford them an opportunity of +making a speech, as well as indulging a natural passion for free +drinks. The major was in ecstasies with the prospect, and now +disclosed to me the fact, that he had sold out his stock of tin ware +for two hundred dollars, his Shanghai chickens for fifty, and his +wagon for ninety, making in all three hundred and forty dollars, two +hundred of which he had set apart as peace and comfort money for his +wife, Polly, and the balance he had resolved to tuck nicely away in +his wallet, to serve in case of emergency. We must take Duncan with +us, he said, for he was a pig of wonderful parts, and deformed +monstrosities being much in favor in New York, we could make a good +thing of exhibiting him, which would save us against the rubs of ill +fortune. As to old Battle, he had been his companion in so many wars +and tin ware campaigns, that he had resolved also to take him along, +though it cost a new pair of saddle-bags. And as the New York +politicians were bent on doing him great honor, he would no doubt be +invited to review the troops, (perhaps be escorted by the Seventh +Regiment,) when, as a matter of economy, the animal would serve an +excellent purpose; and, being quite as high in metal as he was in +bone, he would no doubt astonish the bystanders with his proud +demeanor. + +There was lying in the harbor of Barnstable, bound for New York, a +great, broad sterned sloop, called "The Two Marys," commanded by one +Luke Snider, who was an old pilot along the coast, and as burly an +old sea-dog as ever navigated the Sound. Luke's wife, a lusty wench +of some forty summers, accompanied him, as mate and could steer as +good a trick as any Tom Marlin that ever stood at a tiller. Indeed, +Luke manned the "Two Marys" with his own family, for his two sons, +who made up the crew, "went hands before the mast," while the good +wife added to the office of mate that of cook. The "Two Marys" was, +in addition to her other distinguishing qualities, dignified with +the title of "New York Packet," and when in port always kept a sign +in her rigging denoting that fact. Indeed, Captain Luke Snider was +regarded an extremely sharp fellow by all who knew him, and in +addition to having carried on a large trade in onions and +watermelons, was a salt water politician of great influence, and +could so direct the votes of his fellow craftsmen as to make him in +high favor with all candidates for public office. And the major, who +had an eye to the future, never let an opportunity to conciliate +Luke's friendship slip, and would at times swear by him. And to +further demonstrate his friendship for the versatile skipper, he now +proposed that we take passage on the "Two Marys," as well for the +purpose of disarming our political enemies, who might charge us with +presumption did we take a more fashionable conveyance, as to carry +out a genuine stroke of political economy. Feeling that objection +would be useless, I consented to leave the matter entirely with him, +being satisfied that so great a politician and military hero was a +safe person to trust with such arrangements. + +And now the morning of our departure having arrived, the bright +aurora was filling the balconies of heaven with golden clouds, and +all nature seemed putting on her gayest attire. Then the sun rose in +all its splendor, and not a cock in town but gave out a crow, nor a +dog that was a dog that did not send up a bark, nor a sparrow that +didn't get into a tree top and mingle his sweet notes in the curious +medley, which the major held to be in honor of his departure, the +elements always being on the side of greatness. + +At ten o'clock I took leave of Bessie, having sealed my affections +for her with a kiss, and wiped away the tear that hung so touchingly +in her eye, as she said in a subdued voice, "Perhaps we shall never, +never meet again. But if you will not forget me, I will not forget +you." To which I replied that death only would make me forget her, +since there was written in her face loveliness so perfect, that time +could only brighten it in my memory. Again she blushed, and cast +upon me such a bewitching look that it almost made me falter in my +resolution to leave her behind. And my faltering increased as her +warm hand pressed mine, and the words, "Will you write to me, and +give relief to one whose thoughts will follow you?" hung tremblingly +upon her lips. But just then I saw what a great soul she had within +her, and how when moved she would tread upon that dangerous brink, +from which so many launch into a world of woe. I pressed her hand in +return, and bade her adieu; promising never to forget her, nor allow +another to beguile my fancies, but to be unto her as I felt she +would be unto me-the angel of my dreams. + +Hastening on board of the "Two Marys," I was received with great +consideration by Captain Luke Snider, who said he was delighted at +the prospect of having so distinguished a passenger, and with no +little ceremony introduced me to his wife. A gentle wind blew fair, +the peak of the "Two Marys'" mainsail hung in lazy folds, and the +great jib, partly set, flapped every few minutes, as if eager for +the great event of the major's arrival, which was waited by an +anxious crowd of idlers, who had gathered on the wharf, and who were +diverting themselves with divers jeers at Captain Snider, of whom it +seemed they had no very high opinion. Suddenly a great noise was +heard in the distance, and the rotund figure of the major, mounted +upon old Battle, and dressed in a slouchy suit of Uxbridge satinet, +made his appearance, followed by a mob of boys, hooting and shouting +at the very top of their voices. The animal, not at all disturbed by +the singular character of the ovation, moved forward at a methodical +pace, whilst the major, judging from his extreme good humor, was not +a little delighted at the honors he imagined were being showered +upon him. No sooner did the crowd on the wharf get news of the +major's approach, than they sent up a deafening shout, and hastened +to meet him with so much determination to do him homage, that even +old Battle began to prick up his ears. Two mischievous urchins now +tied a small air balloon to old Battle's tail, while another would +every few minutes switch his gambrels with a twig of thorn, and so +make him jerk his hinder legs as nearly to throw the indomitable +major over his head. Duncan, the pig, was led by a boy at some +distance, and performed his part in the comical programme by keeping +up a medley of discordant squeals. And what with the barking of +dogs, who seemed to claim a right to take part in the proceedings, +and the squealing of pigs, and the loud acclamations of the +grotesque throng, one might have set it down as a fact that Little +Barnstable was out on a frolic. As to the figure cut by the major, +that may be safely left to the reader's fancy. His short legs scarce +reached below old Battle's saddle girth; and, in addition to the +slouchy suit of Uxbridge satinet, he wore a shabby white hat, very +like that worn by Philosopher Greeley on election days. Never was +departure of foreign ambassador attended with such demonstrations, +all of which the major viewed as highly complimentary to him as a +military politician. Having reached the end of the wharf amidst +cheers and bravos, the crowd would not permit him to dismount until +he had addressed them on the state of the nation. Saying it always +gave him great pleasure to gratify the wishes of the people, he +faced half round in his saddle, and bowed with an air of great self +complacency. Then his broad, red face crimsoned, and his thoughts +seemed in his beard, for after stroking and fretting it for some +seconds, he spoke as follows: "Fellow-citizens: I am sure I have not +merited the great homage bestowed upon me to-day. But that is +neither here nor there. Let me enjoin you all to live patriots, +avoiding ceremonies and performing sacrifices for your country. And +above all, live as good christians, and not as fluttering +butterflies, who attract only with the gay color of their plumage +while they live and die soon to be forgotten. And as to the nation +itself, why, may the devil get me, (and I'm no friend of his,) if I +don't think all that is needed to render it safe, is just to let it +alone. Nor would it be much lost if some kindly disposed gentleman +would kill off a few score of our Union savers, who, like quack +doctors, go about with their pockets full of plasters, and are for +ever hunting for the crack in the nation's skull. And I would advise +all politicians to spin less patriotic yarns, to be more modest, to +learn wisdom, to drink less whiskey; in truth, to think more of God +and their country, and to get them honest godfathers, who will teach +them what a sad thing it is to think so much of the nation's gold." +Having said this, the major stopped suddenly, and turning in his +saddle, caught a glimpse of the air balloon attached to old Battle's +tail, which was making curious gyrations in the air; and seeing the +ludicrous figure he was cutting, he called upon all present to aid +him in punishing the miscreant who dared to offer such an insult to +his dignity. But the crowd only answered with jeers and +acclamations, which so increased his anger that he dismounted, and, +giving his pig in charge of Captain Snider, led old Battle hurriedly +on board, cursed them for an unthinking set, and set sail amidst the +loud acclamations of the crowd. As the "Two Marys" sped seaward, +Polly Potter and her three children were seen waving their adieus +from a neighboring height. + + + + + + +CHAPTER XIX. + +IN WHICH THE READER IS INFORMED HOW MAJOR ROGER POTTER, IN LOVE OF +HIS COUNTRY, AND TO SUSTAIN THE HONOR OF HIS PROFESSION, DISPLAYED +HIS COURAGE DURING A STORM. + + + + + +NOT a little disturbed, lest I should distrust the quality of his +valor, the major approached me shortly after we had set sail, and +having stroked his beard for a few seconds, said: "I do hope, sir, +you will not think it strange I did not use my sword to avenge the +insult offered me by the enemies who mixed up with my friends on the +wharf. But I am a man of discretion, and my forbearance was in +consideration of my friends, whose bodies might perchance gave got +scarred by the blows aimed at my foes. Being a friend and fellow +fortune seeker, I need have no scruple in saying to you, that I have +always held it an axiom, that all great men husband their valor +well, and never use it except with great discretion. In truth, and +as I hope to honor the profession to which I belong, it was the +exercise of that worthy discretion God implanted in my heart that +saved me from two duels, the consequences of which might have been +very bloody. I assure you, I have often thought how, if it had been +my fate to die in either of those sanguinary contests, my wife Polly +would have heen left to mourn the loss of a most excellent husband +and father. And yet I have just been thinking, how nothing in the +world would so much please me as to see the 'Two Marys' engaged in +battle with a Sound pirate, for then it would afford me an +opportunity of letting you see a little of the courage that +distinguished me when at the head of my regiment in Mexico." + +The "Two Marys" was an exceedingly formidable craft, and very safe +in a sea, of which Captain Luke Snider, fashioning after those who +build very bad steamers for a very good natured government, never +failed to boast. Indeed, the "Two Marys," like several of our best +boasted war steamers, was not blessed with a capacity for speed, and +had only made forty miles' distance in three days, which fact was +ascertained by the log Luke's wife kept with a piece of chalk on the +top of the companion slide. + +It was on the afternoon of the third day, then, that there arose a +terrible storm. The wind was in the south-west, and with a pelting +rain, the sea rose into such angry waves as to threaten serious +consequences to all on board, and more especially to old Battle, who +had quarters near the windlass bits, to which he was tied, and +where, notwithstanding the major's constant solicitude, he became so +lean of frame that a speedy dissolution was seriously apprehended. +And this great event, so disastrous to the major's future prospects, +would have been welcomed by Captain Luke, of whose deck he was +making sad havoc, and who had twice been heard to say he was only a +pack of useless bones, whose life would be better saved by his being +thrown overboard. The major overhearing this, was not a little +wounded in his pride, for he set great store by old Battle, and +declared him an inseparable part of his fortunes. + +And now, while the "Two Marys" bowed her head to the sea, and shook +her great jib in the face of the wind, old Battle swung to and fro, +and could with great difficulty keep his feet, while his legs were +so swollen, that it required some effort to use them. The major +attributed the largeness of old Battle's legs to a rheumatic gout he +was at times troubled with, and which went far to show that he was a +horse of good constitution, who had been reared in the care of a +Christian gentleman of rank. + +While there the animal stood shivering in the pelting storm, +presenting as forlorn a figure as could well be imagined, the major +descended into the cabin, and soon returned, bringing with him his +shattered saddle and holsters, and with an air that indicated an +amount of courage almost incalculable, soon had it girthed upon his +favorite animal. This done, he demanded the animal to stand firm, +and, with a self confident toss of the head, mounted, to the great +surprise of all who witnessed so curious an act of daring. He then +braced himself in his saddle, and commenced to look defiant in the +"teeth" of the gale. He had not, however, remained long in this +position, when a sharp sea struck the "Two Marys," causing her to +lurch to starboard, and prostrating old Battle broadside upon the +deck. Nor did the sea, which was mightier than the major, vouchsafe +the slightest respect for him, inasmuch as it sent him head foremost +against the knight heads, and with so much force, that, had not his +skull been thicker than an ordinary bombshell, there was no telling +how many fragments had been made of it. As the matter now stood, it +only added another proof to the many instances in which warriors owe +the preservation of their lives to the thickness of their skulls. "I +commend my soul to heaven, and call all present to bear witness that +I die forgiving my enemies," spoke, or rather groaned the major, as +his left hand rubbed convulsively over his haunches, and he cast an +imploring look upward at those who had gathered about him to render +succor. One of the sailors now picked him up in his arms, and laid +him upon the tarpaulin of the main hatch, when, certain restoratives +having been applied by Luke's wife, he soon began to scratch his +head, and exhibit such other signs of animation as made it certain +the country would not be deprived of his services just yet. Nor was +it many minutes after he had given out such strong proofs of his +willingness to meet death, when he looked piteously up at the good +woman, and begged her to get to his poor beast, who was groaning +loudly in his distresses, and render him such relief as his case +demanded. + +Great efforts were now made to raise the poor animal from his +perilous position, which great work, to the no small joy of the +major, was effected by putting the "Two Marys" on the other tack. +Old Battle now shook the water from his mane, and as if to thank his +deliverers, gave out a loud neigh. And so suddenly did this bring +the major to his feet, in the full possession of his senses, that he +set about thanking heaven for its kind interposition in saving him +and his horse to his country, which now stood in such great danger +of being dissolved into fragments, that his whole energies would be +required to save it. Another thankful look cast upon those about +him, and he spake and said it was, after all, but an interposition +of Providence, merely for the purpose of showing how many trials +great politicians had to overcome, and how necessary it was that +they have heads like New Hampshire oak. And while the docile animal +did penance in the teeth of the pelting storm, the major, his legs +seeming to have shortened with the fall, staggered aft, and +approaching me with a confidential air, said: "I respect the great +reputation you have made, young man. And I think you will admit that +it required no small amount of valor even to attempt such a feat as +you have just witnessed. I have read many histories of great men, +and they were all liable to accidents at times. But if I did not +achieve what I undertook, you must bear in mind the fact, which has +been established by certain philosophers who write in Putnam's +Magazine, that the terrors of war are nothing to the terrors of +disgrace and dishonor; and to face such a sea, mounted upon such a +charger, was quite equal to advancing upon the artillery of an +enemy. Now, upon my word, I am not so much bruised after all; and as +the accident was not from any want of courage in me, I will +presently give you an opportunity of seeing what sort of metal Major +Potter is made of." Here the major paused as if to regain his +thoughts, and thrust his hands into the ample pockets of his +trowsers. Suddenly he remembered that he had remounted without a +bridle, to which strange oversight he charged all that had happened. +"Some look upon the good fortunes of others only to bewail their own +condition in life, but such never was my course. I hold fame a +golden treasure, which diligence can unlock, notwithstanding what is +said by our great men of the little newspapers, who, like slighted +lovers, always have a portfolio filled with mournful complaints +against the world in general, especially if it mind its own +business, and seem inclined to peace." The major concluded these +remarks, for which Captain Luke Snider was inclined to set him down +as not so shallow pated after all, and hastened into the cabin, for +the storm had somewhat subsided, and brought forth his bridle, which +he had on his faithful horse in a trice. "Pray, good friend," said +I, "heed well what you do, for a good life saved is worth the +reward. And if you should be thrown into the sea, heaven save the +mark, what is to become of the nation?" + +"A man in public life, especially if he have rank in the military, +should always prove his valor to those he is called upon to serve; +and as there are many ways of doing it, I have chosen this one as +preferable to all others. You must, therefore, shake off your +suspicions, and take notice of what I do, that you may bear +testimony of my courage, whenever you are called upon to do so. I +say this, knowing how curiously officious on matters of physical +development are the New York politicians, among whom we shall mix, +though we must take heed lest, like dogs and crows, they fall upon +and devour us." He now shrugged his shoulders, and, with an air of +resumed courage, again mounted his faithful beast, and, heedless of +the remonstrances and entreaties of Captain Luke's wife, braced +himself firmly in his saddle, drew up the reins, and sat facing the +storm until he was drenched to the skin. I now began to fear he +would get benumbed, and falling into the sea become a victim to his +courage; but on approaching him, and appealing to him to desist, +assuring him that the country could ill spare so great and wonderful +a politician, he merely wiped the water from his eyes and declared +his determination not to give in, but to continue thus showing the +fixedness of his purpose, until the good woman called him to supper. +Fortunately an incident happened, which relieved him of the peril in +which he had placed himself, in order to sustain what he called the +pride and honor of his profession, and it was this: While he was +thus valiantly seated in his saddle, cutting so sorry a figure that +every parson in the parish would, had he been seen by them, set +about offering up a prayer for his soul, there appeared to windward, +and bearing directly down upon us, a large brig under full sail. She +came dashing on over the sea, and soon it became evident to all on +board the "Two Marys" that there was danger of a collision with the +stranger, who was a deeply laden Boston packet, speeding on at no +less a pace than ten knots an hour. At first, the major affected not +to partake of the alarm which had seized upon those on board, and +said he rather relished such opportunities of displaying what he +always held to be true manliness; but as the stranger approached +nearer and nearer, nor swerved a hair from her course, the major was +seen to cast an anxious look now and then at the companion way, as +if he hoped to be abundantly rewarded for his valor by retreating to +the cabin. A few minutes more, and the stranger's ponderous bows +rose majestically over the seas, and bore down upon us with a +velocity that threatened destruction to all on board. Being now so +near that objects upon her deck were plainly visible, the major took +off his hat, and, with quick gestures, commenced making signals for +her to keep off. But, as if unconscious of being admonished by so +distinguished a major and politician, the stranger varied not a hair +from her course, but bounded forward, as if determined to come +athwart of the "Two Marys," to the ruin of Captain Luke Snider and +his good wife. Seeing this, the major looked confusedly for a few +seconds, then alighted with extraordinary agility, and retired to +the cabin, saying he would get his sword and be prepared to give the +fellow a warm reception, since he believed him a Sound pirate, in +search of plunder. Instead, however, of returning with his sword, he +thought it as well to imitate the course pursued by so many of our +valiant politicians, and quietly took a seat upon one of the +lockers, where he waited with breathless suspense, as if expecting +every minute to see the stranger's cutwater pierce the quarter of +the "Two Marys." As for old Battle, he had left him with a +benediction, to which he now added sundry prayers for his +deliverance. It was not, he said, because he had any very strong +fears of death, but solely in consideration of what his country +would suffer by his loss. + +And while the major was thus offering up his devotions, the strange +brig ran close down to the "Two Marys," close hauled her sails, and +passed astern with a sort of coquettish contempt for so small a +craft. In truth, she mistook the sloop for a fisherman, and bore up +for her in the hope of procuring some fresh caught cod; but finding +she was mistaken, was glad enough to be rid of her. + +"Upon my word," ejaculated the major, with an air of regained +courage, for he was certain the stranger must have passed, "just let +the fellow come; and if his timbers be not like iron, Major Potter +will give them a shivering." The major now took down his sword, and +making several strokes, as if to test the strength of his arm, swore +not to lose so excellent an opportunity of making mince meat of +every rascal who dared to molest the "Two Marys." Again appearing +upon deck, he cast several anxious glances to windward, and then, +having given his head a significant toss, inquired what had become +of the stranger. "Pray, look the right way, and be not deceived with +your eyes open," spoke Captain Snider, giving his head a toss, and +pointing astern. "Magic, and nothing else, got him so far out of +reach in so short a space," re--the major, with a flourish of his +sword, at the same time declaring his readiness to give old Battle +and the gifted pig, if the "Two Marys" would but go in chase of her. + +"Faith, sir, I think it would be as well to let peace reign between +you; for though the "Two Marys" is as staunch a craft as ever +floated, and might with safety be put upon the chase, I am not so +sure what time she would come up. And if you will be cool for the +present, I promise in due time you shall have a chance at an enemy +big enough to test your metal; but it must not be said that blood +has been shed on board of my packet; for I am a poor man, and, +heaven save us, if I should be brought to trial in New York, but it +would go hard with me, for I have heard it said that there the rich +may murder, but the poor only are punished for such crimes." + +"As you are absolute in command," rejoined the major, with a low +bow, "and refuse me this opportunity of showing my skill as a +soldier, perhaps it is as well, seeing that discretion is always the +better part of valor, and in consideration of what I have already +achieved, I may put up my sword until larger game offers." + + + + + + +CHAPTER XX. + +WHICH TREATS OF A DELICATE AFFAIR THAT TOOK PLACE, AND WHICH WAS THE +RESULT OF A MISTAKE, THAT HAD NEARLY COST THE MAJOR HIS LIFE. + + + + + +HAVING generously given up all hope of a tussle with the strange +brig, the major sheathed his sword, and with a condescension worthy +of our very noisy senator in Congress from Arkansas, betook himself +to feeding his favorite pig, who was demanding his supper in the +loudest squeals his lungs were capable of. "Wonderful as it may +seem," whispered the major, confidentially, "no great man, with a +vigorous understanding, would hold these little kind acts damaging +to his reputation as a politician; whereas history teaches that +little men without reputation are for ever disturbed, lest the +company they fall into be not equal to their condition. But one must +not be surprised at this, since great mental powers are now +exhausted over sausage suppers, and the smallest minds have got to +managing Congress, and through Congress the nation, by mere +stratagem. You may think, sir, that I meddle with what does not +concern me; but you must bear in mind that I am a man of the people; +and though I have compassion for those little minds that so flit and +flicker about Congress, I am not so well pleased when they play +purse-mouse to the great rogues of the lobby, who would sell the +nation's honor for gold enough to save them from honest labor." Here +the major patted his pig gently upon the head, as the animal seemed +inclined to return such kindness. He then said it afforded him +grateful satisfaction to contemplate an animal of such excellent +qualities, especially when contrasted with that herd running about +Congress devouring the vitals of the nation. + +This strange speech took all on board by surprise, for not even +Captain Luke, who had seen him perform some singular offices, would +have believed him capable of such sound logic. In truth, had he been +any other than Major Roger Potter, the captain had set him down for +a profound philosopher. But he had more than once heard it hinted +that the major, when performing one of his political feats, had +himself played no very inconsiderable part as lobby agent to +Congress, where his reputation as a great rogue caused his services +to be in much demand. + +It was now in the dusk of evening, the Two Marys was shaping her +course for the north shore, the wind had subsided, and the sea moved +lazily along in unbroken swells. Supper was announced, and Major +Roger Potter hastened into the cabin, saying: "It is as well that we +eat, for though I feel a qualm coming over me now and then, which +seriously disturbs my temper, I must not forget that food may cure +the ills of my head." Having cast several scrutinizing glances over +the humble fare Luke's wife had prepared, and for the quality of +which she offered innumerable excuses, saying they were yet poor, +and could not afford better, the major rolled his little blinking +eyes upwards, laid his hat carefully upon the locker, and with one +of his best fashioned bows, and in obedience to what true gallantry +demanded, bestowed upon Luke's wife a compliment which, I venture to +say, there is nothing upon record to compare with it, though such +things are exceedingly cheap with the profession of which he claimed +to be so renowned a member. "Madam," said he, clasping his hands +over his belly, the globular of which had changed somewhat, "though +I am a politician and a soldier, both of which professions require +the exercise of great understanding, I can dispense courtesies when +they are deserved. The supper you have here set out is fit for a +prince, and worthy of you as the wife of our gallant commander. In +truth, madam, I have long held that there is no office in which +woman can so well display the greatness of her power, as in the +preparation of a good supper, and this art I would have them +perfect, instead of writing sensation novels for publishers, who +think of nothing but setting the nation by the ears, and putting +money in their pockets. If she be good at working a shirt, heavens! +but she will be a blessing to the man who weds her, for our +fashionable damsels can neither knit nor sew, and seem fit only for +putting carefully away in glass cases." Captain Luke listened to the +delivery of this speech with dogged silence. In truth, he harbored a +suspicion that military men were a little too free with their +courtesies to other men's wives, and that it was just as well to +keep a jealous eye upon them. He therefore desired the major to sit +down and eat such as was set before him, and thank God, for such was +better than wasting so much ceremony. + +"I see, sir," returned the major, "that you do not draw your logic +from experience, for to praise that which is good, and not that +which is bad, as our critics do, is to prove yourself a well bred +gentleman." The major having concluded his reply, drew from his +pocket a metal comb, and commenced combing his coarse red beard, +when after he had arranged it to his satisfaction, he took a seat at +the table, where he devoured the viands with such evident appetite +as to surprise and astonish every one present. And this further +increased the captain's dislike of him, for it concerned him much, +lest his stores run out ere his voyage was at an end. As for the +rest, it afforded them much amusement to see him play so active a +part in devouring the food. "I am not a subject for jest, I would +have you all know," said the major, with an air of much displeasure. +"It never was charged upon me that I was a man of ill temper; or +that I was a man easily given to quarrels; and as these things are +surely true, so it will not do for you to trifle with my +respectability. There must also be that difference between us which +my military position demands." The sternness of these remarks, and +the great gravity with which they were delivered, produced a silence +that lasted for several minutes, and likewise so confounded me that +I began to think his brain was not so much at fault after all. Each +in turn now broke silence by offering an apology, and treated him +with so much consideration, that he arose from his seat in the very +best humor possible, saying that as they had set so good an example, +he must acknowledge that he was sorry for what he had said, and +hoped they would set it down to his quick impulses, which, though +incident to the feelings of a good soldier, were marvelously apt to +lead him astray. He now remembered that he had left his bridle and +holsters upon old Battle, and repaired upon deck to relieve him of +the burden, which he did with much care and many caresses. + +At ten o'clock, the major, who was not a little anxious lest the +"Two Marys" should come in collision with some larger craft, +undressed and retired to his berth, where the trouble of the nation +ceased for a time to distract his brain. All now went smoothly on +until midnight, when, it being Luke's wife's watch on deck, the +major awoke from his first nap, and hearing his pig running about +the deck, making divers noises, as if in great distress, hastened to +his relief in a condition not easily described in this history. The +pig seeing the major in pursuit of him, ran aft with a mischievous +grunt, and was evidently inclined to seek a shelter under the honest +woman's garments. And in fear of a liberty by no means sanctioned in +books of true politeness, she gave out a loud scream just as the +major, unconscious of the state he was in, for he was too gallant a +soldier to have exposed himself to a female, not even in the +starlight, tripped over a rope and fell against her with such force +that both came to the deck, and with so much noise as to bring +Captain Luke, (who would have sworn some strange craft was grinding +the timbers out of the "Two Marys,") immediately to the rescue. +Unfortunately for the gallant major, he had fallen uppermost, and in +a position where the binnacle light threw a curious shadow over that +part of his person he was most scrupulous in protecting, as are all +military gentlemen of quality. I think it may be said, without +disparagement to this history, that neither Alexander, nor Napoleon, +nor Wellington, nor, indeed, any of the great warriors, whose deeds +historians have recorded with so much ostentation, ever met with so +strange an accident, or one which led to so many embarrassments. And +although Captain Luke had never had occasion to doubt the chastity +of his wife, whose face, being as ugly as could well be conceived, +he had always held to be an adequate protection, his first impulse +now was to take summary revenge for what he considered an +unwarrantable trespass upon his rights. Thereupon he seized a club, +and in the heat of his passion, and without malice aforethought, or +even giving the major time to extricate himself, he took what his +eyes saw for granted, and so belabored him about the head and +shoulders as to render him speechless. + +"Base villain!" exclaimed the Captain, "if your life was worth it, +I-yes, I would think no more of taking it--you fish blooded +vagabond! First attempt to make free with my poor wife, and then +aggravate me by declaring your innocence!" Being a man of great +strength, the captain got his wife out from under the major, whose +blood was running freely, and set her upon her feet, in an almost +fainting condition. The affair, though singularly desperate, was but +the work of a minute; and when I reached the deck, the "Two Marys" +was in the wind, Captain Luke was consoling his wife, the pig was +running about the deck in great tribulation, and my companion in +pursuit of fame lay weltering in his gore. Even old Battle had given +out signs of alarm, and such was the state of confusion prevailing +on board, that it required no small stock of courage to bring +matters to a requisite understanding. I stooped over the major to +ascertain exactly how many bones were broken, and as I did so, +Captain Luke commanded that he be thrown into the sea. + +"Yes, and let his traps follow, for I verily believe his pig +possessed of the devil, who has thrown an evil spell over the wind, +of which we have scarce had a fair puff since we left," he +exclaimed. + +Hearing this command, the major began at once to give out signs of +returning consciousness, and whispered that though he had received +grievous damage to his head, and seriously believed there was not a +whole bone in his body, he thought he might yet be sufficiently +restored to settle his worldly concerns. Indeed he had during his +whole life made it a point never to shut the door against life, but +to so nurse the remaining vitality as to make it take its longest +run, so that one's days in the land be as long as possible. + + + + + + +CHAPTER XXI. + +WHICH TREATS OF WHAT TOOK PLACE WHEN THE CAUSE WAS EXPLAINED. + + + + + +ALMOST the first words spoken by the recovering woman were, +"Husband, now that I have collected my senses, and come to remember +how it all happened, I feel you have done grievous wrong to the poor +man, for truly it was no fault of his." + +"Fault of his!" exclaimed the captain, interrupting her in surprise. +"Pray, whose fault was it then? Did I not see him with my eyes, and +in his shirt? The devil take me but if it was you who seduced such +an ill begotten thing, I will soon wash my hands of such a wife, +though she had borne me a score or more of children." + +"Listen, dear husband," replied the good woman, her eyes swimming in +tears, "and lay nothing wrong at my door, while your anger has got +your reason; for I know you will suffer most when you come to know +the cause of all the bruising you have given the poor man." The +major now gave out a series of pitiful groans, and so bemoaned his +fate, that even the hardest heart must have dissolved into sympathy +for him. And though he had no sooner gained the use of his tongue +than he declared by all the saints in the calendar, not less than +six of his ribs were broken, and that his skull had received, on a +square guess, half that number of fractures, neither a rib was found +disturbed, nor the slightest fracture in his skull. The blood had +flowed from flesh cuts, which only required a little dressing to +restore his head to its original good condition. Ordering a sheet +brought, I threw it over the major, got him upon a seat near the +companion way, and commenced dressing his wounds, while one of the +sailors held the lantern. "Providence, which directs all things, and +more especially the movements of the soldier, must have ordained me +this bruising, else I should not have got it," said the major, +shaking his head admonishingly, and casting upon me a look of deep +mortification. Ever and anon wiping his nose, as if uncomfortable +about that organ, he expressed considerable anxiety lest his face +should have got scarred; for he was as vain of his personal +appearance as a great New York general I have in my eye, but whose +acts of heroism have never got beyond the columns of the almost +pious newspaper he edits. Being assured he was in no way disfigured +about the face, he raised his hands, and called heaven to bear +witness that he never in all his life concerted wrong against his +friend's wife, though he had had amours enough, God knows. He then +commenced to give an account of how he came in the questionable +predicament for which he got the bruising, saying, that in his +anxiety to secure Duncan, who, he feared, might get overboard, he +entirely overlooked the scanty nature of his raiment, for which he +was ready to offer an apology, and swear that all beyond that arose +from the great misfortune of having tripped his toe. All this the +good woman was ready to confirm with an oath, if such had been +necessary; but indeed it was not, for the very simplicity of the +recital so affected Captain Luke Snider, that he would have gone +upon his knees, and offered no end of atonement for the wrong he had +done him, had not the major reached out his hand, and with a +magnanimity truly wonderful, declared there could be no stronger +evidence that they were both gentlemen, than by settling their +differences in a quiet way. And if one condescended to offer an +apology, the other ought at once to accept it condescendingly. + +If, then, Captain Snider had shown great agility in seriously +damaging the major, he now lost no time in bringing balms to heal +his wounds, and rendering him such other services as his condition +demanded. The good woman, too, was not a whit behind any of them; +for on regaining her equanimity, she busied herself bringing liquids +and linen, and so bound the major's head with plasters and bandages, +(two of which were crossed over his nose,) as to make it present a +pitiful picture. Indeed his whole stock of valor was gone, and no +one would have recognized the head with the two little eyes blinking +through the cross bands as that of so renowned a military man as +Major Roger Sherman Potter was known to be. He now thanked heaven +that it was no worse; and having asked several questions concerning +the safety of his horse and pig, said, he verily believed greatness +was better illustrated in what a man suffered than in what he did on +the field of battle--an opinion which seems to be largely shared by +the adventurous heroes of this day, since the more they are +vanquished the more they value their own greatness. Notwithstanding +this, it must be confessed he had a slight misgiving as to whether +his military dignity remained undamaged, since the blows were +inflicted with a club, and not a sword. And, again, it afforded him +consolation to think that the greatest men known to history had +suffered great rebuffs while doing the world service. + +The Two Marys was now well in shore, and being apprehensive lest the +major's condition should take an unlucky turn, Captain Luke resolved +to steer for Tarpaulin Cove, where the aid of a physician could be +called in, if necessary, and also a fresh stock of pumpkin pies +procured. For though the major had been got nicely into his berth, +his dosing was accompanied with sudden spasms, arising from acute +pain. + +The sloop now continued on her course without anything remarkable +occurring, and arrived at Tarpaulin Cove about nine o'clock on the +following morning. And, notwithstanding the major was up and +apparently quite comfortable, for he was suffering most from the +wounds in his dignity, he refused either to go on shore, or to have +a physician called to dress his wounds. Nor did he lisp a single +word about having resided at the Cove not many years ago, where he +pursued the business of a dealer in melons and onions, which he +suddenly abandoned, whether for want of success or otherwise, was +not generally known among his creditors, who had remained ignorant +of his whereabouts up to this day, though it was more than once +given out, that he had taken to the trade of a "critic of books," +and was in the employ of a New York publisher. + +Indeed the major was not only silent on the subject of his residence +at Tarpaulin Cove, but expressed great impatience to get away from +it, saying, that as his friends in New York would be waiting his +arrival in great suspense, no time ought to be lost along the road. +And when he saw the boat coming off with a stock of fresh provisions +and the doctor, he retired to the cabin, and there quietly engaged +his thoughts over an old newspaper. The doctor was a rough sort of +man, and, although he had given much time to the study of medicine, +and was celebrated for the purgatives with which he killed his +patients, while preserving the gravest demeanor, could not suppress +a smile when brought to confront the major, at the sorry figure he +cut in the bandages. "The case seems more serious than I had hoped +to find it-an eighth of an inch only saved the cerebral; but I hope +there is no fracture, for that would incur one of those delicate +and peculiarly dangerous operations it has not fallen to my lot to +perform for so many years, that I fear it would not become me to +undertake it, though I was at one time celebrated for my skill, and +indeed made my reputation on these sort of cases," said the +physician, taking a small packet from his pocket, and advancing a +few steps toward the major, who moved away apace, and applied +himself more assiduously to his newspaper. The doctor was at a loss +how to account for this movement on the part of the invalid, and +turning round to the captain, begged he would say to the gentleman, +that he came not of his own accord. In fine, that it was rather to +pay his compliments to such distinguished persons as he had been +informed were on board. + +"As to that, Mr. Doctor," replied the major, who overheard what was +said, "if you will but leave me your good will, I think I may +venture to get along without your plasters and purgatives, for my +constitution remains undamaged by such things." The doctor now came +to the conclusion that he had been made the victim of a joke, and, +quickly retreating to the deck, he demanded five dollars of the +captain for the visit, admonishing him in no very amiable terms of +the consequences, in case he refused. But the captain had not five +dollars to his back, though, as he expressed it, he had good staunch +property enough to buy a village in Rome. "Then put me ashore!" said +the doctor, "and I will see what virtue there is in the Squire." He +was soon set on shore, with the loss of nothing but his temper, +which is either the cheapest or the dearest thing in the world to +lose, but which may be regained at any time by applying to the +village parson. The anchor was then got up, and with a fine, fair +wind, the "Two Marys" continued on her voyage, to the great joy of +the major, who now began to relate certain things concerning his +residence in Tarpaulin Cove, where, according to his account, he had +held the high office of Justice of the Peace, and given such eminent +satisfaction in the administration of justice, that his name became +famous all over the state. As to the doctor, whose name was Killsly, +the major described him as as arrant a rascal as ever compounded +nostrum or thrust pill down the throat of unwilling patient. "You +may have thought my conduct toward that man unusual, considering the +habitual courtesy of my profession," said the major, addressing the +captain, "but I hold it right, that a man of honor should treat a +great knave, which I knew him to be, precisely in the manner I did. +Killsly, it was found, shortly after he came to live at the Cove, +had been an abortionist in New York, where he dashed about in a +livery of great brightness, and had a purloined crest of so curious +a device that no one could make out what it meant, though several +had applied to Mr. Hayes, of Broadway, who supplied the wives of +grocers and linen drapers with arms and crests, (as the dwellers in +Snob Avenue have it,) charging only four shillings and sixpence for +his services, including advice as to what color the livery ought to +be. Killsly was in high favor with what is there called fashionable +society, which, out of sheer respect for his skill, afforded him no +few opportunities for the exercise of it. At length he got mixed up +in a singularly delicate but very common difficulty, which rendered +it desirable to make a change of residence. Well, he came to the +Cove, and here might have lived as every good man ought to live, +loving God and keeping his fingers out of his neighbor's affairs; +but a damsel, who tossed her feathers at the rustics of the village, +and would coquette only with city beaux, chanced to be overtaken by +a by-blow and had need of his skill, it being necessary to protect +her virtue, which her friends described as being whiter than snow. +But death, which scruples not in such matters, betrayed the secret, +and sent the whole village into a fever. There being no doubt of +Killsly's guilt in the matter, I thereupon had him arrested and +brought before me; and, being the guardian of public morality, I +ordered him to prison, there to await the sitting of the County +Court. Believe me, gentlemen, I would, as I failed not to tell him, +have had him well hanged, had the case been left entirely with me. +But I leave it to others to speak of the justice of my judgments. +Now, though I say it, he called me a fool; and for that it would +have gone hard with him, since society can well afford to lose all +such vagabonds. But justice was weak in the screws, and he at last +escaped between what is called a flaw in the indictment and the +ingenuity of his lawyer, as is generally the case with such knowing +fellows." All this and much more, the major said, and would have +sworn it true. The sailors listened with grave demeanor, and were +surprised and amazed at what they considered his extraordinary +wisdom. + + + + + + +CHAPTER XXII. + +HOW NEWS OF AN EXTRAORDINARY CHARACTER WAS RECEIVED AND RESTORED THE +MAJOR TO SOUND HEALTH; ALSO A FEW REMARKS CONCERNING THE MANUFACTURE +OF HEROES. + + + + + +THE judicious and forgiving reader will, I am sure, join me in +approving the facility with which the major regained his stock of +courage, (lost when entering Tarpaulin Cove,) on hearing that the +politicians of New York had determined on making him a hero of no +mean parts, and were devising a grand programme for our reception. +And this consoling news I read to him from that very enterprising +and extremely reliable journal, the New York Herald, a copy of which +I got of the parson, who was its Tarpaulin Cove correspondent, and +admired it much for its mingling of divine and human things, as well +as the amount of honey the editor always mixed with his brimstone. +The Common Council had, according to this sagacious journal, held a +meeting, and, at the expense of much unintelligible oratory and +disorder, passed a resolution appropriating five thousand dollars +for the purpose of giving us a reception worthy of either Cicero or +Washington. And this was to be entirely in consideration of the +great public services we had rendered the country. + +And it was further resolved, and therein set forth, that Aldermen +Pennyworth, of the Sixth Ward, and Brandybottom, of the Second, +together with Councilmen Bluster and Sputter, (the last named +gentleman being clever at a speech,) be a committee of reception, +invested with power to draw up and present a suitable address on +behalf of the citizens of "this great metropolis." It was also +resolved, in a flourish of speech utterly unknown in anything ever +attempted by Choate, that the mayor, who, though he contemplated +himself the greatest of potentates, was famous only for commanding +an unruly police to bludgeon the heads of peaceable citizens, should +publicly receive us at the City Hall. + +This news so elated the major, that he commenced running about the +deck, after the manner of a madman. He next tore the bandages from +his head, and swore though his eyes were disfigured, his body +remained in most excellent condition. As to persecutions, all great +men ought to endure them with humility, for they were only the +forerunners of great honors. He therefore resolved to say no more of +the scars, but, in proof of his faith, to for ever esteem Captain +Luke Snider a public benefactor, and to set about commending himself +to the consideration of all good citizens, for therein, as he +conceived, lay the virtue of true eminence. And now that he had a +horse of such excellent parts, and a pig whose rare gifts, (did the +critics do him justice,) must prove invaluable, he flattered himself +he was fairly on the road to fortune, and might safely leave the +rest to the hero makers of New York. + +I must inform the honest reader, that great value was set by the +Common Council upon the fact, that the major had transferred his +affections from the whig to the democratic party, which could not +fail to shed a lasting luster upon its principles. Two honest +Hibernian members of the very common board of very uncommon +councilmen, had, with that modesty so characteristic of them, paid +me the high compliment of saying, that I had been justly styled the +great northern political war horse. I could not suppress a blush +at seeing myself cut so strange a figure, inasmuch as the flourish +of speech was such as had never been thought of by Aristotle, and +would have paled even Henry Clay. Let no man, therefore, doubt the +truth of what I here say; for I am not given to writing satires, +preferring to wait until heaven shall send me some nobler mission. +Nor would I have the reader express surprise, that persons so humble +as the major and myself should be thus suddenly subjected to the +process of hero making so much in fashion with the forty thousand +idlers and politicians of New York, who have graciously taken upon +themselves the directing of all public affairs, seeing that good men +are so engaged in the getting of gold as to care not a whit if the +devil get all their liberties. And if the reader have read the +histories of Greece and Rome, wherein it is written that he only was +made a hero who had achieved some great undertaking, and thereby +conferred lasting honors upon his country, his surprise may be +increased at the strange elements of character necessary to a hero +at this day. But I humbly beg him to consider the circumstances of +these forty thousand idlers and other politicians, who, having no +employment for their fingers, let the devil direct their brains, and +have turned hero making into a commerce of so cheap a quality, that +no good christian can be got to engage in it. In fine, (and it is no +vulgar invention of my brain,) the virtues required of an hero at +this day, are that he have been a great marauder, who, having +invaded the country of a poor, down trodden people, driven them from +their quiet homes, plundered them of their property, ravished their +daughters, drenched their fields with the blood of the innocent, and +whitened the highways with the bones of his own dissolute but +deluded followers, and spread desolation over the land, had to leave +it a vanquished miscreant. And upon the principle, that if you give +power to the idle and reckless they will make heroes to suit their +kind and circumstances, he will then be received at the Battery with +a great waste of powder, and such other noisy demonstrations as +shall please the unruly. From thence he shall be conveyed in a +shabby carriage, drawn by four lean horses, escorted by six firemen +in red shirts, and preceded by two Dutch drummers with serious +faces, and long, light beards, and a dyspeptic negro fifer, through +sundry of our most crowded streets. And there shall follow him a +procession of urchins, so abject in raiment that all peaceable +lookers on will wonder where they came from, and how it happened +that in a city so well supplied with water their unclean appearance, +and the evident satisfaction they derived from scratching, was a +sight for the eyes to behold. The hero must be careful to admonish +the two or three ex-aldermen who accompany him, that it will not do +to expose the necks of bottles in their pockets during their passage +through the streets; he must also be sure to deliver his bows with +becoming grace, and to keep his right hand upon his heart, (if he +have one,) giving the mob to understand that therein beats his love +for righting wronged humanity. Nor will he lose anything in +reputation, if he exercise great courtesy in returning those +manifestations of approbation which are become so common with +enthusiastic chambermaids, who flourish napkins from third and +fourth story windows, and are mistaken by the uninitiated for +damsels of quality with delicately perfumed cambrics. And as he let +nothing slip through his fingers while bathing in blood the homes of +the people he had made wretched, so must he now comfort himself with +the assurance, that the uproar of the rabble constituting his train +is all cheers sent up by the honest people in admiration of his +wonderful exploits. And, being free from every restraint or +obligation, he may, with advantage to himself, recur to the deeds of +C‘sar and Alexander, (not forgetting to remember Cicero,) to which +he may compare his own. He can then sneer at your people of quality, +and having sufficient cause, prepare himself for a speech of +extraordinary eloquence, in which he need have no fear of profaning, +for his hearers will stand amazed, and think how mighty a thing it +is to be a hero. + +I would also advise him to give his thoughts entirely to himself, +and be careful not to betray them with his words, lest some +ambitious critic set them down and use them at some future day to +his damage. He must likewise sufficiently eulogize the companions in +his exploits; and though they were true to nothing but debauchery +and their own conceits, it will serve him best if he tell +distressing tales of their patriotism. And above all, he will be +wholly deficient in rendering himself justice, if he do not set +forth with the very best of his rhetoric, how much he is +misrepresented by the press, which will persist in calling him a +monster, when in truth he is a servant of heaven, sent upon earth to +raise the fallen. And when he shall have been drawn through a +sufficient number of streets, and the eyes of the curious shall have +been gratified, and the dyspeptic fifer has exhausted his wind, and, +together with the Dutch drummers, can no longer invest the jaded +train with a martial spirit, then, if the lean animals have strength +enough left in their dilapidated frames, the cort‚ge, as it is well +called, may proceed into the Park, where the hero, if it do not +rain, may take off his hat to the multitude of rejected humanity, +(such as ragged politicians and wasted vagrants,) there assembled. +Having paused a few moments, (to the great impatience of his +shattered admirers,) that the aldermen who accompanied him may +quench their thirst, he will alight amidst the huzzas of the throng +and ascend the platform, built for the occasion by an enthusiastic +carpenter. An ex-alderman, of dogged deportment, whom the clamorous +mob greet with the title of judge, will welcome him in an address, +(he will read it by the light of a tallow candle, held in the hand +of a corpulent councilman,) written by a well starved critic on the +Times newspaper, and for which service he (the said starved critic) +was promised five dollars. The hero will undoubtedly take it for +granted, that he is as great a general as he is there set down; nor +must he be amazed if he find it written of him, that the noble deeds +of which he is the champion far outshine all that has heretofore +been set down in history. In fine, he must receive each compliment +with a gracious bow, remembering that they are employed with the +sincerity so characteristic of our gravest politicians. It being +customary, I make no doubt the address will be received with +"deafening applause," though it were impossible those present could +hear one word of it. The reading will then conclude with twenty +thousand voices spontaneously calling for the hero, who must rise +with great gravity, and, having surveyed the dilapidated throng, +proceed to respond in a speech of at least half an hour long. While +delivering himself of this speech, he must be careful not to think +of the gray haired fathers and mourning orphans he has left to +mingle their tears over the devastation he inflicted upon their +country, lest it damage his rhetoric. But he must declare that he is +overwhelmed with the honors thus showered upon him by an assemblage +so respectable. Of course he will not forget to mention, that his +emotions have quite deprived him of the power, even if he had the +capacity, of expressing his gratitude for this very unexpected +manifestation of their approbation. And this peroration he must end, +with complimenting the virtue and discretion, the self sacrificing +devotion, and the high purposes of the motley assemblage, who are +meanwhile getting up numerous fights for their more immediate +amusement. + +The drummers and fifer having refreshed themselves, the hero must be +got carefully into the carriage by his generals and adjutant +generals in waiting, when the four lean horses, who were comforted +with oats during the delivery of the speeches, will draw him up +Broadway to the tune of "The dead I left behind me!" It being after +nightfall, when the balconies of heaven are filled with black, +warlike clouds, it will be necessary that the train proceed with +torchlights, which are an essential part of the ovation to all great +heroes. These generally consist of thirteen lighted tallow candles +and two transparencies, in the manufacture of which six shillings +were expended for as many yards of Lowell cotton, sufficient to +supply shirts to the unwashed Hibernians who bear them. The +torchlights, as is customary, must be carried by hatless and +shoeless urchins, who will feel great pride in the service, and have +no scruple at scrambling for the pennies thrown them by the +mischievous who line the sidewalk. The transparencies must also bear +the significant motto, "Welcome to the brave." All this and much +more being done, the hero will have arrived at one of our most +fashionable hotels, where splendid apartments have been prepared for +him; and for which the cunning landlord was careful to get his pay +in advance. As those who follow such trains and such heroes have an +habitual aversion to water, its diminution or increase on arriving +at the hotel will depend very much on the state of the weather. But +no true hero will for a moment think of entering his hotel unless +all the ambitious chambermaids in it are grouped upon its balconies, +and its entrances so lined with pickpockets, that it becomes +absolutely necessary that his generals force a passage. The crowd +outside will then greet his advance up stairs with much shouting, +interspersed with demands for a speech, which, on partaking of a +well compounded punch, in which his generals will not forget to join +him, seeing that he is their only worldly stock in trade left, he +may manifest his willingness to receive friends of distinction. This +being regarded as an oversight by his most famous general, and the +corpulent alderman, he will be reminded that the safety of the +building is really in danger from the enthusiasm of the citizens +outside, who refuse to go peaceably to their homes until he appears +before them on the balcony, where they can offer him their homage, +and hear from his lips at least three speeches. All this being done +to the entire satisfaction of his admirers, then let him snap his +fingers at your unprogressive gentlemen of quality, (who are much +given to sneering,) and comfort himself that "the people" are always +right. The torchbearers having exhausted their pennies as well as +their patriotism, and the peaceable intervention of a shower having +dispersed the mob, the hero, satisfied he has received every honor a +grateful people can bestow, will, as is customary, betake himself +much fatigued to his apartments, where he must remain in +consultation with his generals and a few select friends, (on the +grave question of what is to be done next?) until two o'clock in the +morning, or, perhaps, until Aurora begins to open her windows in the +east or the expert bar tender has wearied of mixing libations not +even the most self-complacent of the generals has a shilling to pay +for. This sad state of affairs being reported to head quarters, the +hero will, unless the aldermen present pledge the city for security, +hasten to his cot, and having snuffed out his candle get quietly to +bed. + +Having overstepped the limits of my chapter in these few remarks +upon our present system of hero making, the reader must look for +something better in the next chapter, and accept for apology the +fact that I have written of things I have seen, out of sheer love +for the truth of history. In perusing this subject, I had almost +forgotten to remark, that the hero, though he have gone quietly to +bed, will not be considered at the very apex of his fame until the +men of the newspapers, with their usual love of enterprise in +journalism, shall have written down and published to the world +(they, it must not be overlooked, follow close at the heels of the +torch bearers) all that was said and done, not even forgetting to +mention how delicately the horses raised their tails when occasion +required. + + + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII. + +WHICH TREATS OF A PARTY OF YACHTERS MET ON THE SOUND, AND WHAT PAINS +THEY TOOK TO COMFORT THE MAJOR, ON BEING MADE ACQUAINTED WITH HIS +VARIOUS EXPLOITS. + + + + + +THE major had been unusually serious during the day, and toward +evening approached me with his right hand extended. "I cannot too +forcibly express to you the deep obligation I owe you for the many +kindnesses you have shown me. Thankful am I to escape the clutches +of that doctor, though, perhaps, it would have been well to have +enlisted his generosity, and got him to apply his plasters to my +horse, for his legs stand much in need of them. As to the misfortune +that befel me, pray think no more of it; for though I confess to +being found naked to my shirt, a bishop could not be more innocent +of wrong intention, even though he were an Onderdonk, who had been +persecuted for his virtues. And now, let us change this matter, for +I have been considering the profoundness of my purpose all day; and +as our reception in New York will be an affair of much magnitude, I +want to consult you on the most proper measures to be adopted in the +present state of affairs. My reputation being already established, +it will no doubt be agreeable to you that I receive and acknowledge +the honors, you paying that deference to me which an adjutant +general pays to his superior. We must master fortune by the quickest +process; and as it matters nothing to the politicians of New York +which of us they honor, so long as the ovation affords them +excitement, your ends will be best served by keeping me well backed +up. And as there is no knowing what sort of a turn the grand +reception may take, I have been much concerned lest those who get it +up discover in me (as they have done in worse men) an excellent +candidate for President, in which case I must give great care to the +wording of my speech, for that must be made to square with coming +events." Holding it, as I always have, and shall still continue to +do, more generous to forgive the vagaries of men who are given to +imagining themselves great, as they, rightly viewed, can do no harm, +and, indeed, afford much of that amusement so necessary to good +digestion, I replied, that I had always considered his claims to +public favor as superior to my own. And this so pleased him, that he +declared it the first time, notwithstanding his great experience in +life, that he had found a politician willing to sacrifice himself +for the benefit of another, which he swore to remember until the day +of his death. We now sat down together, and continued consulting +upon various matters appertaining to our journey, and in which the +major took great delight, especially as I acquiesced in all his +opinions. + +Night had now overtaken us, and the "Two Marys" was proceeding +slowly on her course, close in shore. It was impossible the mind +could conceive a finer night, for not a cloud was visible in the +heavens, which formed over us a gorgeous arch of azure blue, hung +with what poets call liquid pearls, now casting shadows like +frolicking fairies over the broad sea plane below; and then, after +flitting and coquetting, passed away into the mysterious distance. +In truth, so seductive was the scene, that it excited in my breast a +few of those fancies of heaven that give so much employment to the +brains of young lovers. Yonder, tall light houses ranged along the +shore, like stately giants in their night robes, filling the horizon +to the right with a halo of pale light. Then a noise as of the +rilling of distant brooks came floating in sweet cadences through +the air, which seemed laden with the perfumes of new made hay; and +the hollow echo of the watch dog's bark mingled in the soul +inspiring chorus. And as I turned thinking of Hervey and his +Meditations, my eye caught the ripe moon rising to invest all with +that reposing softness poets and painters have so long in vain +attempted to describe. + +A streak of bright light trailed along the heavens in the west, and +beneath it were steamboats so gigantic in proportions that they +resembled illuminated palaces vaulting over the sea; while close off +our starboard bow, there appeared advancing toward us a fairy like +fleet, with low, rakish hulls, taut rig, and sails made whiter by +the moonbeams playing upon them. The whole fleet seemed to skim over +the sea, though the "Two Marys" scarce moved. One, more tiny than +the rest, and which appeared to have made an offing, bore down for +us, and seemed intent upon crossing our bows. The major, whose +attention had been directed to them for some minutes, and who seemed +always to have a pirate haunting his mind, rose quickly to his feet, +swearing that he could not this time be mistaken in the character of +the craft advancing upon us, since pirates always stole upon the +objects of their plunder, and were, as he had read in various +novels, just the sort of craft there seen. So disturbed was he in +his feelings, that he demanded of Captain Luke Snider that he make a +signal of warning-first notifying the fellow to keep off, and then +through the trumpet telling him of what a thrashing he would get if +he dared to come on board a vessel with so terrible a major for +passenger. Had not old Battle been lying down, and the time required +to get him up been fatal to such a great undertaking, he would have +had him saddled and got ready for the contest, which he felt in his +heart would be bloody enough to furnish material for three popular +novels. Twice he started for the cabin, vowing to get his sword and +be ready; twice he halted, and with much concern inquired of the +captain, what he thought of the saucy looking craft. But the captain +shook his head, looked aloft, and shrugged his shoulders, which +increased the major's fears, and afforded Luke no little diversion, +though he maintained his silence with becoming gravity. He had no +fear of the fellow, "but a good soldier ought always to be ready for +an emergency," the major said. "Faith, and I can swear it by St. +Dennis, (who was as good a saint as any of them, for what I know,) +he means us no harm, and may bring us good news. I have sailed the +Sound these thirty years without meeting a craft that would harm me +in hull or rigging. A wharf thief now and then carries off my ropes; +but then he belongs to a tribe of scurvy vagabonds who never venture +out of New York harbor, for there they have the law on their side, +which is well enough for them." + +The major's thoughts were now for several minutes, hung between his +fears and this comforting reply. But not being quite satisfied, he +turned to me, as I leaned over the rail contemplating the beauty of +the scene before me, and inquired what I thought of pirates and +their pranks. If the approaching craft was not a pirate, he said, +her movements at least bespoke her bent on no good. The little craft +was now seen to sheer, which caused the major's perturbation to +become irresistible; and suddenly putting his hands to his lips, he +shouted at the top of his voice: "Ho, strange ship! Whence come you? +and what want you, that you steer right in our way? Bear away, +there, or may the devil take me but you'll get the worst of it, for +this is the Two Marys, of Barnstable." All on board were much amused +at this freak, and stood silent, as if waiting for a reply. In a few +moments the music of a harp was heard, and such was the skill and +delicacy with which it was played, that the very air seemed filled +with mysterious spirits, who, having carried off the lutes of some +companion lovers, were chanting dulcet requiems. And the soft, sweet +notes floated over the sea in seductive cadences. Then two female +voices sang sweetly to the accompaniment of the harp; and so +exquisite was the effect that I fancied rejoicing angels whispering +their songs to the winds that played so gently around us. One of the +voices was a soprano of much sweetness and flexibility, for it +ascended the scale with great ease, and its higher notes were +flutelike. The other was a contralto of no mean order. And there +joined in chorus with these, two male voices, evidently well +trained, and of much compass. + +The singing threw an air of mystery over the little craft, which +served to make the major more impatient to know her character. Had +the place of meeting been in the Caribbean Sea, he said, why, there +could be no mistaking her character, for the pirates who infested +it, as he had read in one of Sims's novels, made their captive +females sing to them at night, whereas on the Sound, there was no +record of what pirates and oystermen really did with their female +captives, unless it was that they banished them to Blackwell's +Island. But he was still more surprised and confounded when he heard +the words of the song the party in the little craft were singing, +and which ran thus: + + "Beneath the stars, so pure and bright, + Come let us be merry on the sea to-night! + On the sea to-night! on the sea to-night! + + "Let lovers to groves where moonbeams enchant; + But we have hearts that are free, + And we'll woo on the sea to-night! + On the sea to-night! on the sea to-night!" + +This song, so curious in sentiment and rhyme, was also written by +the very learned Dr. Easley, who, in consideration of its being a +prize song, had it copyrighted. I have, therefore been extremely +scrupulous only to purloin this small portion of it, (knowing, as I +do, the high value he places upon all his literary productions,) +lest he hold me amenable to the laws of the country, made and +provided for the protection of poor authors. + +The little craft had now approached so near, that her low, black +hull, with the figures upon deck, was distinctly seen. It was +evident that she espied us, for the singing suddenly ceased as she +hauled her wind, which at that moment increased a little, and came +dashing down upon us in fine style. And as those on board were heard +keeping up a conversation in French, the major's fears again +returned, and after an ineffectual attempt to get old Battle upon +his legs, he ran aft in a state of alarm, and thus addressed Captain +Snider, who had taken the helm of the "Two Marys": + +"I verily believe, sir, these are no friends, for they speak in an +unknown tongue, which is that used by pirates when devising infernal +plots!" + +The Captain, after casting a careless glance upward, as if to count +the mast hoops upon his great mainsail, replied, "That as he was not +gifted in tongues, and knew but little of his own, he could not be a +judge; but this he would say, that they were only a party of +yachters, who instead of intending us harm, would pay us the +compliment of coming on board to regale us with their 'good cheer,' +of which they usually had an abundant stock." + +The major's fears now entirely deserted him, and his thoughts were +directed to how he could best appear before such distinguished +pleasure seekers. It has before been described how the major was not +a little vain of his military position; and lest the humble +character of the craft on which he voyaged might not be regarded in +its proper light by the strangers, he thought of mounting his +uniform, in which they would not fail to recognize him as a person +of distinction. While, however, he paused in a state of uncertainty, +the little craft came within a fathom of us, and a voice cried out, +"What sloop is that? and from whence came you?" + +"The Two Marys, of Barnstable! six days out. You will be welcome on +board, and such fare as we have shall be at your service!" replied +the captain, in the manliness of his nature, as he at the same time +ordered one of his sons to get "fasts" ready. The yacht (which was +none other than the "Saucy Kate," of the Harlem Yacht Club) now +dropped her fenders, and rounded to, like a thing of life, under the +stern of the "Two Marys," while Captain Luke put his helm down, and +luffed into the wind. Another minute and she was fast alongside, +when there came rollicking on board two ladies accompanied by two +gentlemen, whose demeanor, though they were dressed in garbs +peculiar to the occasion, at once bespoke them persons of ease +circumstance. One of the men was peculiarly tall and and erect of +person, had a long, brown mustache, and hair that is called Saxon, +which he had evidently taken some pains to keep well ordered. As to +his face, though there was nothing particularly striking in it, (if +a resemblance to the great General Webb be excepted,) I very much +doubt if Brady could have selected a better subject to fill a vacant +niche among those handsome men whose photographs adorn the entrance +to his gallery on Broadway. The other was a frisky little man, with +a promising red beard and mustache, and a dull blue eye, and a +little freckled face, and a puggish nose. His dress was trowsers of +white canvas, and a Norseman's jacket, with rows of large horn +buttons down the sides, and a corpulent cigar pouch in the breast +pocket. + +"Upon my life, now, but you can't have much comfort aboard here," +spoke the frisky little man, in a voice of singular effeminacy, as +he tipped the narrow brimmed glazed hat that had covered his +narrower head. "As for ourselves," he continued, fingering the great +blood stone studs in his brown cambric shirt bosom, "we are +navigating merely for the love of the thing. Want to get the thing +right, and don't care a straw for the expense, not we!" This he +concluded by saying, in a manner so finical that one might have +mistaken him for a Bond Street milliner in the garb of a sailor, +that his name was Nat Bradshaw, a recently elected member of the +Union Club. The little, finicking man addressed no one in +particular, but seemed much concerned lest we should not fully +comprehend his respectability, though in truth he might have passed +easily enough for a fool. The man of the tall figure, and whose +frank and manly manner was enough to banish the sorrow excited by +the effeminacy of the other, pressed forward with his hand extended, +and inquired for the captain. + +"It's me, Luke Snider, who's skipper," spoke the honest-hearted old +salt, as the other grasped him by the hand, and gave him such a warm +greeting as made him think he had met an old friend. And while these +civilities were being interchanged, one of the damsels, a blonde so +beautiful that earth had not, as I thought, another to compare with +her, tripped gayly about the deck, singing as unconcernedly as a +lark at sunrise: + + "But give me the sea, + And from the old folks free, + And we'll wait for the tide to-night! + For the tide to-night-for the tide to-night." + +"He whose thoughts are not given to evil needs no censuring eyes," +thought I, as she turned, and tripping lightly towards me, flung her +left arm round the waist of her companion who was a girl of slender +form and features, and had a countenance in which pensiveness was +deeply written; then, with her right hand resting gently upon her +shoulder, she looked roguishly up in her face, for her eyes were of +crystal blue, and beamed with mischief, and said, in a voice of much +solicitude, "Rose, dear Rose! let me snatch away your troubles, for +Nat Bradshaw, you know, always was a fool. It's a habit he's got of +kissing everybody who will let him. And what's worse, you can't get +it out of his head, little as it is, but that he is a great +beauty-that everybody admires his white hand, and the big diamond I +know he has'nt paid Tiffany for yet. And because we girls, just to +tease him, and have a bit of fun, invite him to polk with us, he's +got to fancying it's all in admiration of his graceful bearing. Oh! +he is such a fool; and I don't believe he's got any money! I don't! +Just snap your fingers at Master Nat, and tell him not to try it +again! that's the way I do with such jokers." She spoke with so much +simplicity, and in so sweet a voice, that the girl of the slender +figure seemed at once to regain her spirits, while the major, who +had given particular attention to this little episode, now stood in +admiration at the beauty of the speaker's face. Then he approached +me, and placing his lips close to my ear, whispered, "Pray say to +them who I am, and leave me to take care of the rest." These words +being overheard by the gay hearted belle, she turned on her heel +coquettishly, and vaulting to where he of the tall figure stood, +making certain inquiries of the captain concerning his voyage, +locked her hands in his arm, and there leaned gracefully for a few +moments. + +Flora, for such was this damsel's name, had her home in Madison +Square, New York; and there was about her something so artless and +yet so tantalizing, that her power over the affections was +irresistible. In fine, she was one of those dashing, merry hearted +creatures, who make chaos of the affections to-day, and have a balm +to heal them to-morrow. + + + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV. + +WHICH TREATS OF HOW THE MERRY VOYAGERS MADE MUCH OF MAJOR ROGER +POTTER, AND HOW THEY INVITED HIM TO AN INTERVIEW WITH THE COMMODORE +OF THE FLEET. + + + + + +THE captain and he of the tall figure had sufficiently exchanged +compliments, when good Dame Snider came on deck, and invited the +strangers into the cabin to partake of the refreshments she had +there prepared. But Flora, who was much diverted by the good woman's +earnestness, spoke up and declared the hospitalities of the occasion +must be left to her, for she had charge of the larder; and so well +stocked was it, that they could feed six aldermen for a week without +fear of stint. Nat Bradshaw, too, raised the cigar exquisitely from +his lips, and in his finicking manner said, the "Saucy Kate" was +famous for the quality of her stores, nor ever permitted a stranger +to do the hospitalities. In truth, it must be confessed that Nat had +what is called a streak of generosity mixed with all his weaknesses. + +"No, mother, (you won't think me bold for calling you mother?) leave +the refreshments to me, and I am satisfied," interposed Flora, +taking the honest hearted woman cordially by the hand. Then she +doffed the little hat, that rolled up so pertly at the sides, and +had given her such a saucy air; and as she did so, there fell upon +her shoulders such a profusion of golden curls as would have crazed +the heart of a Frenchman. The exquisiteness of her beauty was now +fully disclosed. Her complexion resembled alabaster, and in addition +to a face so oval that a sculptor could not have improved it, her +great blue eyes, which, as I have said before, sparkled like pure +crystals, were set off with finely curved arches, giving perfection +to a brow poets call Grecian, and over which two broad wavy plaits +of golden hair floated, as it were. Her nose, too, was of that high +born order we recognize in the delicate but prominent lines, and, +together with her mouth and chin, were such that the most fastidious +could not have detected an imperfection. And as the moonbeams played +upon her features, lighting them up as it were, she seemed a +creature more of heaven than earth. + +"Flora! Flora! my dear cousin," spoke he of the tall figure, seeing +her thus doff her hat, "you must not, for I am anxious lest you +catch cold." + +"Cold?" she interrupted with a coquettish smile; "not I, indeed. The +colds have a liking for Nat Bradshaw. They can get through him with +so little difficulty, that they never take to me while he's by." + +"Now, ah! 'pon my soul, that's clever. Say how I owe you one." Thus +Nat replied, stopping in a desperate effort to light a short cigar +without damaging the down he persisted in calling his mustache. He +also raised his hat, and throwing his body into the shape of a +triangle, made one of these bows which are peculiar to members of +the Union Club. + +Rose now came to the assistance of the merry hearted Flora, who +quickly doffed the blue jerkin that, girded round her waist, had +given her such a sailor-like air, and disclosed a bust of such +perfect symmetry, that it would have served as a model for a statue +of Diana. And this was charmingly displayed in a sleeved corset of +dark green color, cut after the fashion of a habit, with an incision +in front, disclosing a stomacher of fine Spanish lace, set with rows +of tiny brilliants. Her gauntlets quickly followed her jerkin, +exposing tiny, swan white fingers, sparkling with jewels. And +although herself unconscious of the cause, such was the perfection +of her beauty, that I stood as if transfixed, gazing upon her in +mute admiration, until my emotions melted into confusion. Nor was +Nat Bradshaw unaffected by it, for I saw him cast an envious eye now +and then. As for the major, he either stood bowing with his hat in +his hand, or was getting in every one's way, and was anxious lest +his introduction be delayed another minute. He afterwards told me in +great confidence that, when Flora doffed her hat and gauntlets, he +would have sworn her nothing less than an angel he would have taken +to his arms, and pledged his military honor to worship until death, +had not Polly Potter stood in the way. + +Again, Flora struck up her song, and tripping on board the "Saucy +Kate," which, with her sails half brailed up, had been left in +charge of two boatmen, brought back with her a curious little +packet, she soon spread into a table, and, with the assistance of +Rose and Nat Bradshaw, had it mounted in a trice with cold iris +ribbed beef, boned turkey, chickens, bird pies, jellies, and a +basket of delicious fruit; to which was added lemons, and sundry +bottles of champagne, and sherry that had been cooled in ice. + +And while these preparations were proceeding, Major Potter, whom I +had not yet had an opportunity to introduce, whispered something in +the ear of Captain Snider, who, on turning to him of the tall +figure, said, "And now sir, since an opportunity offers, perhaps you +will permit me to introduce you to my distinguished passenger, Major +Roger Sherman Potter; whose name is come famous in our part of the +country, where he is acknowledged to be the greatest living +politician." + +"Major Roger Potter, I am commonly called," repeated the Major, +placing his left hand to his heart, and, with a motion of his right, +in which he held his hat, making one of his politest bows. "And as I +see (and it required no effort) that you are no common people, my +reputation is, doubtless, familiar to you, for much has been written +of me in the newspapers. As to what you say of me as a politician, I +will leave my right to such honors in the hands of others, since, +being a military man, it would not become me to speak of myself." + +"Major Potter!" exclaimed the stranger, extending his hand, and +shaking that of the major so earnestly as to make him verily believe +he stood before one who had long been familiar with his history. "I +would indeed be confessing myself stupid to say I was not acquainted +with a name so famous in the political world. Truly, sir, if one so +humble as myself may be permitted, I will here say, that nothing +could have afforded me so much pleasure as this meeting, for there +is nothing I so much reverence as the man who has deserved well of +his country." The stranger, who was something of a wag, was not long +in discovering the major's weakness, though he addressed him with +great deference. But as the major held politeness as something which +chivalry demanded of all military men that they never let themselves +be outdone in, and for any little neglect of which they were held to +a severe account, he, after making a becoming number of bows, +replied in this wise: "And since you know me so well, and the +etiquette of the profession commands that we speak not of ourselves, +will you honor me with your name and the profession you follow?" + +"Without the slightest hesitation, sir. I was educated to the law; +but since the bar of our city is come to be not what it should be, I +have thought it as well to live on my money, and save my character. +As to my name, they call me Frank Story." + +"Combining all that is great, glorious, and honorable!" exclaimed +the major. "In the village where I was born, your name is as +familiar as that of the landlord of the tavern. Having done much for +your country, I make no doubt you have sustained the honors left you +by the great dead!" + +"I see, sir," returned he of the tall figure, "that you take me for +a descendant of the good and much lamented Story." + +"Truly so," interrupted the major. + +"Which I am not," rejoined the speaker. + +"It makes no difference; for I hold it just as well that a man +inherit the characteristics of a great man from a similarity of name +and profession as by having the same blood in his veins. I hold to +this philosophy, which I find squares with that accepted by most of +our great politicians at this day. On my reputation as a military +man, sir, I came to respect these principles from first hearing them +advanced by General Cheves McDuffy Quattlebum, while in the Mexican +War, which I had the honor to fight in. Yes, sir; I had the honor of +fighting in that war, and have seen many a man killed!" Here the +major gave his head a significant toss, and placing his hat under +his arm, thrust his hand into the inevitable pockets of his +trowsers. "And as it was said of this Quattlebum that he was the +greatest living politician known in his state, which, if my memory +serves me, and it's not bad, was South Carolina, I make no doubt you +will give great weight to the opinion. In truth, sir, you must know +that this General Quattlebum was so well thought of in his state, +that she would make no exception to his greatness, not even for so +great a general as Pringle, Allston Commander, who rose from an +honest man and a blacksmith, to be a great military politician, +embodying in himself all the necessary elements for dissolving the +Union, so desirable an object with the people of Carolina." + +He of the tall figure listened with commendable gravity to this +strange display of sense and nonsense, which afforded him much +amusement. When the major concluded, he presented me as the greatest +living politician Cape Cod, or indeed any other district of +Massachusetts, had ever given to the world. He, however, corrected +himself, lest what he had said might compromise his own preeminence, +and added that I had joined him merely to gain that experience so +necessary to the perfection of all great minds. This done, he +commenced to give an account of his horse and pig, whose rare +qualities he failed not to extol highly; all of which afforded the +listener an infinite amount of amusement. Begging the major to +excuse him for a few moments, Frank Story slipped slily to where +Flora and Rose were setting the table, and calling the former aside, +held a conversation with her that showed they were intent upon +mischief, for she was heard to say, "Let me alone, and you shall see +how I will play my part." + +And now that the refreshments were ready, (seats being dispensed +with on such occasions,) the party gathered round the table, and +were served by Flora with so much ease and grace as to surprise even +her own companions, who had not thought her capable of such skill in +the duties of "a lady of the house." The major commenced to eat with +his eyes fast fixed upon Flora, to whom he anxiously waited for an +introduction. Meanwhile Nat Bradshaw, exhibiting great familiarity +with corkscrews and cigars, had uncorked the first bottle of +champagne, for which the major had expressed a preference, seeing +that it was a favorite drink with the army. He of the tall figure +now lifted his effervescing glass, and having cast a glance at the +major and a wink at Flora, said: "Now, my pretty cousin, prepare for +a surprise!" Flora looked up as if confounded, while the others held +their peace. "I will not keep you longer in suspense," resumed the +speaker, "but inform you that the great statesman whom we seek, and +for whose reception in New York the city treasury has been flung +wide open, and which it is the object of the Yacht Club to enhance +by tendering him an escort, now stands before you. My cousin, I now +present you to Major Roger Sherman Potter, whose political and +military fame even the most malicious writers have not dared to +defame-" + +"Commonly called Major Roger Potter," whispered the major, with a +bow. + +Having offered a sufficient number of apologies for the error, he of +the tall figure in turn introduced his cousin Flora and her friend +Rose to the major. The ladies affected not to believe their senses, +and for some moments looked at one another in doubt, while the +major, for the first time in his life, acknowledged himself +completely overwhelmed by the compliment, as well as the strange +news it conveyed. Twice he bowed, and twice his tongue refused to +serve him. But in order the better to express his feelings, he had +recourse to that method most common with our great actors, who lay +their hands upon their waistcoats, look devoutly into the pit, and +seem very generally ready to thank the gods for all their favors. + +"And now, sir," spoke Flora, with great softness of manner, "since +fortune has been so kind as to afford me this great and unexpected +pleasure of being the first introduced to one so renowned, I will +propose a toast, and with your permission couple it with your name. +I propose that we drink, with three cheers: 'All honor to him who +has worthily served his country, in whose history his name will be +enshrined for the benefit of unborn generations.'" Having concluded, +Flora gave her glass a twirl over her head, and three cheers were +given so heartily that they went directly to the major's heart, and +made him declare within himself that there could now be no doubt of +his own greatness. + +"Madam, upon my honor I am no flatterer, but being a military man, +gallantry demands of me some acknowledgement of this compliment you +have paid me, and which it would be my life's happiest event to +make, were it not that your beauty so embarrasses me. Indeed, madam, +I have, while in Mexico, led various forlorn hopes, charged the +enemy's lines, and looked a shower of bullets in the teeth without +winking; and all these dangers I would repeat a dozen times rather +than face the fire of your beauty, to which every hero, however +great, must surrender himself a captive." + +"What you say of my beauty, I might say of your valor, than which +there is to woman no stronger object of admiration. To pay homage to +valor is womanly on the part of our sex. And never in my life have I +felt, though I have seen some brave men, that I was paying homage to +greatness with so much honor to myself. I have read in the +newspapers that our nation, like a sinking ship, was by you saved +from inevitable fate-" + +"Indeed, madam, I leave it to others to say what I have done for the +nation. But you will not find me wanting when called upon; and, as I +have always said, give me but a chance, and they shall have enough +of my greatness!" + +"Truly, sir," rejoined Flora, "I hold it fortunate that the nation +should have found so honest a man. But as government is something +our sex take no part in, perhaps you can tell me if there be any +truth in the report, that politicians have no higher aims in these +days than plundering the government; and that patriotism being a +thing quite unknown, the great object with our congressmen is how +they can best put money in their pockets, in the pursuit of which +they are so insatiable as to sell their manliness in exchange for +it?" + +"Since you have set me down for an honest man, madam, which is no +small compliment, I will say that my wife, Polly Potter, who is +something of a politician, and as true a wife as needs be, always +says of me, that my honesty will be my fortune. And as she has a +queer way of expressing herself, she has many times said to me, +'Roger, when them politicians get to strippin' the nation to her +very skin, do thou be the man to come forward and hold down the +apron, and keep her shame from being altogether exposed.' And this I +have pledged her I would do, and may heaven protect her. As for +stripping the nation to the skin, or even taking away her clothes, +that, though I am neither prophet nor editor, they shall never do +while Major Potter has an arm and a tongue." + +Flora blushed, and for some minutes held her peace, as well she +might. And as he had gorged himself to that degree that serious +consequences were apprehended, and was somewhat disturbed at the +questions Flora would put at the moment when his mouth was most +full, and which true politeness command that he reply to, the +silence which prevailed afforded him an excellent opportunity for +despatching his meal in peace. Nat Bradshaw, whose countenance wore +a sinister smile, added to the joke by constantly filling the +major's glass and pledging him in a toast. + +When the major had finished his supper, Flora, whose nature was of +such a turn that she could not give much rest to her mischief, +entreated him that he relate for their entertainment some of the +wonderful exploits of which he was the hero during the Mexican War. + +"Your grace and beauty, madam, and I am no flatterer, demands that I +comply with your request, though it is against the rules of the +profession, which set forth that the deeds of all great military men +are the property of the nation," replied the major. But as his +vanity was stronger than his respect for the rules of the service, +he at once commenced and went on to relate some of the most +wonderful exploits ever achieved by mortal valor, all of which he +described as having taken place during the war with Mexico, though I +venture to assert that they have never been recorded in any +published history of that war. Nor will it be necessary to add, that +he made himself the hero of every one of them. Indeed, if there was +a forlorn hope he had not led, or a plan of attack that had not been +suggested by him long before it was executed, they were not worthy +of mention in this history. And he would interpolate by saying: "All +these things I relate no man will deny, but as history takes care of +my General Scott, so such as me, who have braved the brunt of it, +must see to ourselves." And these marvelous adventures the major +would have gone on relating until the hour of morning, when sparrows +rise, had not he of the tall figure put an end to Flora's mischief, +by remarking, that as the wind was freshening, and the squadron had +tacked ship, it was necessary they return and report what had taken +place to the commodore, who would no doubt receive it as great good +news. "And now, sir," said he, taking the major by the hand, "this +meeting will long live in my memory; and since I see you need rest +from your labors, the night, too, being far advanced, we will return +and report, for I see the fleet is put on the other tack, and our +commodore is strict in the enforcement of his orders. But if it meet +your pleasure, the squadron will to-morrow at ten o'clock form port +and starboard lines, fire a salute, and proceed in escort. This +done, the commodore will come on board and pay the respect due to +your distinguished position." The major replied, that the honor, so +unexpected, and in truth so unmerited, he could not but confess +would be most gratifying to him; he would therefore prepare himself +for the occasion, hoping they would excuse any little deficiency, +for barring now and then he was not clever at an impromptu speech. +The party now took leave of him for the night, and having handsomely +rewarded Dame Snider for the trouble they had given her, set sail on +board the Saucy Kate, her white sails flashing in the moonbeams as +she made for the fleet, and the music of Flora's voice floating +sweetly over the sea. + + + + + + +CHAPTER XXV. + +WHICH RELATES HOW THE MAJOR WAS RECEIVED BY THE COMMODORE OF THE +YACHT SQUADRON, AND SUNDRY OTHER QUEER THINGS, WITHOUT WHICH THIS +HISTORY WOULD NOT SUSTAIN ITS CHARACTER FOR TRUTH. + + + + + +UNGRATEFUL indeed would it be in me, the writer of this history, the +companion in arms, and admirer of all that is great and good in the +major as a military politician, did I fail to record, in honor of +his gallantry, of which none could be more scrupulous, that he +offered his arm and escorted Flora safe on board the Saucy Kate, +apologizing for the worn condition of his raiment, and regretting +exceedingly that he was not habited in his uniform. And although +flushed with the importance of what had taken place, the major was +haunted with a misgiving as to what ladies of such quality would +think of his traveling in so humble a manner. But he bethought +himself, that neither scepters, nor miters, nor grand equipages, +make the man-in fine, that a man may ride an ass without saddle or +bridle and find a good home in heaven, when the doors would be shut +against bishops who roll about in liveries devised by the devil, +which is his occupation. And this brought him such infinite relief, +that he hastened to his faithful old Battle, and having bestowed +upon him sundry caresses, told him he ought to be thankful he had so +fortunate a master. He also paid a visit to his pig, who was +sleeping soundly in his cage of slats. "Now, then," said the major +to himself, as he looked in upon the animal with an air of great +self-satisfaction, "in the possession of this gifted creature I have +a staunch reliance. And should fortune again send me strolling upon +the world, as it has done many a popular politician, I will so +develop this fellow's gifts that they shall be worth a bank in Wall +Street. In truth, he is as well bred as most of our politicians; and +as to his honesty, I will pit him against any of them." As Duncan +did not manifest the slightest regard for these kindly tokens, the +major went quietly into the cabin, and there occupied himself for +more than an hour furbishing up a sword of uncommon size, and a +three cornered hat the moths had reduced to dilapidation, though he +charged it all to the bullets of the Mexicans. And when they were +polished to his entire satisfaction, and he had twice or thrice +thanked God that it was not the failing of politicians to turn +parsons, as it was with parsons to turn politicians, he lay down +upon the locker and soon was in a sound sleep, in which he dreamed +of a thousand or more things that were to take place in honor of him +on the following day. + +The Saucy Kate was not long in gaining the commodore's yacht, a +rakish looking schooner of some two hundred tons, whose lofty spars +and middle staysail were seen overtopping the sails of her lesser +companions, like a giant among dwarfs. And although it was past +midnight when Frank Story entered her cabin, he found it filled with +members of the club, who, at the invitation of the commodore, had +left their several yachts, and were making night jubilant over a +table spread with choice wines, of which there was no stint. There +were also massive punch bowls, of chased silver, standing here and +there along the table, and filled with delicious punch, which those +who preferred drank from goblets of silver and gold. Commodore Skim- +merhorn, who sat at the head of the table, was a man of rotund +figure, had a bright, ruddy face, and was frank and easy in his +bearing. When he of the tall figure entered they were discussing a +question of Greek criticism, some of the members of the club being +men of much taste and learning. But this they suspended in order to +hear his report of the strange sloop. And this he commenced to +relate, describing with so much quaint humor the wonderful major he +had found on board, that they were all surprised and astonished. In +truth, not a few proposed going immediately to pay their respects to +him, and learn to what manner of mankind he belonged. But if they +were surprised with the description, they marveled when told that +this major was no less a person than he whom the New York +politicians intended to make such an ado over. However, as the New +York politicians were most known for their folly, and making a hero +now and then was with them a means of getting bread, it was not so +surprising that they chose for a candidate one who would pass +readily for a fool. + +The speaker added, that with all the vanity of the man, (and in +conceits he could not be surpassed even by the erudite Dr. Easley, +who contemplated himself the most learned scholar and critic,) he +sometimes spoke such sense as to make the listener mistake him for a +wise man. He next afforded them much diversion by relating what +passed when he informed the major how the squadron had come in +search of him, and were delighted at being first to do him honor. +Every one present entered immediately into the joke they resolved to +carry out on the following day, which was arranged with great +deliberation, lest any part of it should fail of being properly +executed. + +And now that Aurora had taken down her shutters, and was filling the +eastern sky with pale, misty light, that threw an halo over the +deep, dark foliage of the mountain heights, reflecting their shadows +along the still, polished waters, so lovely was the morning, so like +a picture of repose each object, and the whole so invested with a +mysterious stillness, that one might have mistaken it for a fairy +scene. The yacht squadron was ranging alongside of the "Two Marys," +forming a port and starboard line, with the Commodore off the +weather bow. As the sun peeped out from the watery horizon, two guns +were discharged from the Commodore's yacht, and so loud was the +report that the major suddenly stopped his snoring, and springing to +his feet in a state of great confusion, began to call out at the top +of his voice that the sloop was sinking. But he as suddenly regained +his senses, and called to mind the honors that were to be paid him, +he felt great alarm lest he had overslept himself, and besought +Captain Luke Snider, who turned out of his berth at the same moment, +to run upon deck and say he was not quite ready to receive them. But +as Captain Luke took no heed of his request, and thought only of +getting into port, the major, in his great anxiety, ran himself upon +deck in his shirt, and cut so sorry a figure that no man would have +envied him. All was as still and lonely as the Lybian coast-not a +wail came over the sea. Now only the dull stillness was broken by +some forlorn robin whistling his song along the shore. + +The major, satisfied that the cannon were fired only to welcome the +rising sun, and not in honor of him, returned to the cabin, where he +got into his breeches and boots. He then drew from under a pile of +rubbish in one of the berths, a pair of holsters, he declared were +presented to him by General Jefferson Davis, for gallant deeds done +during the Mexican War, though no sensible man would have given a +dime for them. With these, and his saddle and bridle, he again +repaired upon deck, where, after no little exertion, he got old +Battle upon his feet. + +"It seems, my faithful horse, as if heaven lent thee to me for a +mighty purpose," said the major, addressing his horse, who gave +himself a hearty shake, and stretched his head and neck to their +utmost extent. And after he had said many other encouraging things +to his horse, he gave him such an excellent rubbing down that, had +it not been for the immense size of his legs, which now appeared +quite as short as the major's, no one would have taken him for the +same animal. This done, he bridled and saddled him; and with the +holsters secured (though they were without pistols,) he was in the +major's eye, as war-like a horse as could be desired. + +The morning advanced, and breakfast was scarcely over, when a breeze +sprung up, which, giving the squadron a leading wind, they began to +trim their sails. A port gun was then fired from the commodore's +yacht, which was followed by their colors being run up, and floating +gayly in the wind. A boat now put off, and being rowed by four men, +with an officer in the stern sheets, soon reached the "Two Marys." +The officer came on board, and with great courtesy of manner, +inquired for Major Roger Potter, who now came forward dressed in the +most wonderful uniform ever worn by military politician, inasmuch as +there were two patches on his seat of honor, and his coat, which +could boast of but one epaulette, had lost a portion of the tails. + +"He whom you seek, honored sir," replied the major, making a low +bow, "stands before you. And as I see you are an officer, here's my +hand, for it does me good to meet a brave man." + +The officer who was slender of figure, and had a youthful +appearance, now delivered a letter from the commodore, saying that +he was delighted to have met one who had so distinguished himself in +the country's service, and that he held it an honor of no small +importance that he had been selected to perform this mission. And +when he had taken his departure, which he did without further +ceremony, the major approached me, and opening the letter, asked me +to read it, as he was none of the quickest at reading writing, +which, indeed, was a failing with all great men. I took the letter +from his hands, and read as follows: "On board Yacht --, June 14th, +Throg's Point bearing W.N.W. 12 miles distance. + +"The Commodore of the Yacht Squadron presents his compliments to his +honor, Major Potter, and begs to say that on becoming aware of the +great reception to be given him in New York, and that it was solely +in consideration of the great services rendered his country, in war +as well as peace, the members of this club, desirous of enhancing +the grandeur of that reception, passed a resolution declaring it +their unanimous will to proceed without delay to meet you, offer you +their congratulations, and escort you to the city. And as the duty +of presenting you their congratulations devolves upon me, I have in +accordance with the usages now common among all public speakers, +transmitted a copy of the remarks I intend to make, to the end that +you may be released from all embarrassment. + +"With great consideration, &c., &c., + +"VAN STIVER SKIMMERHORN, "Commodore Commanding, &c., &c." + +"To the Hon. Major Roger Potter, On board the sloop 'Two Marys.'" + +On hearing this read, the major's head seemed to fill with various +suspicions, for his hands again went into his inevitable pockets, +and he gave his shoulders a shrug expressive of his thoughts. But +his suspicions never stuck to him long, and he soon found comfort in +the fact that there was the commodore's full name attached to it. He +then set to teasing his beard, and giving himself to his thoughts. +"Pray, young man," said he, "say nothing of my trade in tin, for I +see these are men of quality, and, having heard of me only through +the newspapers, know but little of my true history. But, let my +enemies say what they will, I am not a man to stand at trifles. +Honors never puzzle me: it's the thickness of them. I say, though, +that when fame puts a man on the pedestal he must never think of +falling to the ground, for that would be a fear unworthy my +profession." He now read and reread the commodore's letter, and at +length said, that though he had written speeches for and given +grammar lessons to New York members of Congress, the composing a +suitable reply on such an occasion as this alarmed him not a little. +In truth, such little things belonged entirely to polite society, +and required a grace and diction rarely attained by politicians. +Indeed, he regretted much that he was not where he could obtain the +services of one of those New York critics, who, being the sons and +grandsons of poor bishops, write learned book notices by the yard, +and get up addresses for distinguished actresses, who deliver them +on occasions of receiving bracelets and necklaces from their +admiring friends. "Remember, young man," he resumed, "that the path +of honor is open to you as well as me. I say this, because it has +just struck me, that we can best fulfill our obligations to one +another, by your writing the speeches and me delivering them. Heaven +forbid that I should want to wrong you; but we must take up the +fruit as it falls. Now surely you will write me a neat reply to this +fellow-say much about what I have sacrificed, making it, at the same +time, so easy that they shall not have a suspicion of the +authorship. And above all, endeavor to make me speak like a sensible +gentleman." + +Having taken great pains to aid the major in all his exploits, I was +more than anxious that he should deport himself properly on this +occasion, and hence readily consented to accept the task of +preparing his reply, selecting for the service all the choice words +I could find in an old speech of Thomas Benton's, delivered by him +many years ago, in reply to an address in compliment of his thirty +years' services in the United States Senate, and presented by a +committee of the Young Men's Missionary Society for distributing +bibles to indigent authors. It must here be said of these young +gentlemen, that they had no masked motive in thus complimenting the +venerable senator, which they did simply from hearing that his +compassions had taken a new turn. + +I soon arranged the method of my important task, and was teaching +the major how to deliver the speech, when a barge was seen along +side of the commodore's yacht. Then a salute of seven guns announced +the embarkation, and when the smoke rolled away, the barge, rowed by +eight sturdy fellows, was seen skimming over the sea, and making for +the Two Marys with all speed. "Upon my soul they are coming, and a +merry party they are," said the major, settling himself in his +strange uniform. The barge pulled alongside, as the portly figure of +the commodore, his chapeau raised, stood up in the stern for a +moment, and then mounting over the rail was on the deck of the Two +Marys in a trice. The major now came forward with an air of pomp and +circumstance it would not be easy for the reader to paint in his +imagination, unless indeed he had seen General Webb on his way to a +tea party. The commodore now elongated his body and bowed, and the +major elongated his body and bowed; after which they approached one +another as men so distinguished ought to do, when he of the tall +figure, who accompanied the commodore, came forward, and with great +deference of manner did the honors of the introduction. And when +they had exchanged civilities and bows to their satisfaction, the +commodore spoke as follows: "Since, sir, the high honor of +presenting you with the congratulations of our club devolves upon +me, I may here be permitted to say, that no event of my whole life +has afforded me so much pleasure. In presenting, then, their hearty +congratulations, welcoming you at the same time to our great +metropolis and its hospitalities, I cannot too highly express my +sense of the many services you have rendered the country, which owes +you a higher reward than this club can bestow. In addressing the +great and the good-the hero who has fought his country's battles, +and the statesman who has carried her safely through impending +dangers, our emotions too frequently carry away our power to render +due homage. Let me beg you, then, to make every allowance for this +feeble manifestation of our high regard. Your fame as a statesman +and patriot, as a soldier and a gentleman, is well known and +appreciated among us. You have, whenever your country required, lent +it the strength of your arm and the influence of your high position; +and we seek to pay you homage, because we know, that should she need +it again, you would not be found wanting. Nor do we forget your high +personal worth, for we have read how well and worthily you have +acted the part of a philanthropist, in raising up suffering humanity +and redressing the outraged. As an humble expression of our esteem, +we beg you then to accept the services of the squadron under my +command, in escorting you to the city, where your many political +admirers are prepared to receive you with such honors as greatness +never fails to command." The speaker concluded, maintaining his +gravity of countenance. But the major bowed and was not a little +confused, while several of those who stood by, cried out "bravo!" +and were much diverted. + +"Truly, Mr. Commodore," replied the major, whose head was so thin +that he had let every word of the speech I prepared for him get out +of it, "as a principle, you may set it down that the weight of an +honor is best felt by the man who has deserved it. In accepting the +flattering tribute of respect you offer me, let me say, that +although I am no scurvy politician, and have opinions enough of my +own, I intend to let history take care of my acts, for the verdict +of the nation, which is an exacting tribunal, is rendered in my +favor, and if the devil and my enemies only mind their business, +there will be no need to meddle with it, as I have heard it said of +other men. And now that I am more a man of acts than words, as no +doubt you have read, let me say that I accept this great honor, the +sincerity of which is evident in the earnestness with which you +offer it, with as many thanks as a man can, hoping that your great +metropolis may grow greater and be all you expect of it; and like a +chaste and virtuous woman, do you see to her, that she be not +exposed to the designs of demagogues, and that her virtues creep +along with her fair fame." The major delivered these remarks with so +much ease and fluency, that the listeners stood in silence, and +began to think the man they had had described to them for a fool, +was in truth an eccentric politician, who was using this mode of +discourse only as a means of deception. But when he invited them to +examine his horse and pig, which he did while giving the most +wonderful description of their varied good qualities, and the many +services they had rendered him, the color of his brain at once +discovered itself. + +One after another, the party, having exchanged congratulations, +engaged the major in conversation, and found that he had ready +answers for all their questions, though many of them were far off +the mark, illustrating the fact, that his mind had been much given +to the affairs of the nation, of which he had the most confused +ideas. In order to afford the visitors some diversion, he also +uncaged his pig, and made him perform a series of antics truly +wonderful, and with which they not only expressed themselves highly +satisfied, but deeply interested. + +The major now visited the commodore's yacht, and was received with a +salute of thirteen guns, which he felt in his heart were solely in +compliment to his humble worth. A party of richly dressed ladies +were on board the yacht, and received the major with so much +deference, that he felt sure not even the slightest mark of respect +had been omitted. In fine, the ladies all gathered about him, and +were so eager to emulate one another in showing him respect and +conciliating his favor, that even Flora, who declared herself his +first admirer, could with difficulty get an opportunity to present +him her souvenir in the shape of a wine cup bearing her name. "Ah! +sir," said Flora, reproachfully, "last night you condescended to +smile upon me, and I took your smiles for serious intentions. +Indeed, I say it in honest truth, that your winning manners had much +affected me, though my heart is not of the melting sort. But now, +sir, I see you are an arrant coquette, and no exception to the rest +of your profession." Another damsel of comely features had set upon +the major, and was exciting his vanity to no small extent, when +Flora interrupted with the above remarks, preserving a most +impatient countenance as she did so. + +"As I live, fair maiden, I have no wrong intentions, for my wife, +Polly Potter, is not yet dead; nor is it right of a soldier to +trifle with the weaknesses of woman. Being a soldier and no +flatterer, I will say this, that your beauty has made me your +vassal, and had I a dozen hearts, ten at least would be yours." + +When they had frolicked with him to their hearts' content, they +escorted him into the cabin, where a sumptuous collation was +prepared, and to which he, after considerable ceremony, sat down and +ate enough to have satisfied three critics for at least a week. They +then plied him with punches and other strong drinks, which were so +mixed as to seriously affect his brain, for it began to reel up his +vision, and he broke forth in the most spasmodic strains, addressing +those present, whom he declared a political assemblage, on the state +of the nation. In my determination never to swerve from the truth in +this history, I am compelled here to record, that the Yacht Club +found they had paid dearly for their joke, inasmuch as the major, +adopting the conduct most in fashion among the politicians of +Tammany Hall, did, during one of his strongest oratorical displays, +suddenly spring upon the table, demolishing much valuable glass, and +making wreck of everything in the vicinity, which, as a popular +politician, he swore he had a right to do. The state of confusion +being now complete, the ladies ran screaming up on deck, and it was +with great difficulty the major could be restrained from behaving +himself like a madman. At length, from raving about the state of the +nation, he relapsed into a state of stupor, in which he became so +insensible that they were all alarmed lest death step in and put an +untimely end to his existence. In truth, so much did they fear the +result of their joke, that they would have sent for a parson and +begged him to pray kindly for the poor man, but that he opened his +eyes, and gave out such other signs of returning consciousness as +assured them that the only danger now to be feared was that he would +soil certain portions of his raiment, which, were it to get out, +(and there were always malicious persons ready to speak ill of a +politician so famous,) it would do him irreparable damage. + +And now, having transcended the limits of my chapter, I must beg the +impatient reader, if he love a joke, and have no scruples about its +nakedness, to turn to the next, where he will find a result to his +satisfaction. + + + + + + +CHAPTER XXVI. + +WHICH RELATES HOW THE MAJOR WAS RESTORED TO PERFECT HEALTH; AND ALSO +AN AUTHENTIC DESCRIPTION OF WHAT TOOK PLACE ON HIS ARRIVAL IN NEW +YORK. + + + + + +IF, reader, you be an honest man, and in any way acquainted with the +pranks of politicians in these our times, you will not pour forth a +lamentation over what I have written; for I take it you will see +that I have broken the filthy clods only, to get at the real truth. +But if you be a politician, thief, or housebreaker-in fine, if you +belong to any of these twin professions, the members of which find +it convenient to extinguish the light of their own history, and take +no delight in truths which concern themselves, then I may expect to +be visited with your eternal enmity. Sweeten, then, your breath; and +if you would send me to that place I have firmly resolved never to +go to, pray call to your aid such papers as the New York Tribune and +Evangelist, for they are both clever at sending all who differ from +them to the devil, without even the aid of clergy. And as those sent +to the devil by this medium have only the Editor of the Herald for +mourner, just imagine that gentleman in tears, and chide me no more, +for I must see to the major. + +The critical condition in which I left the major renders it +imperative that I should return to him without further delay. And I +must here say, then, in restoring him to consciousness, that much +ice water was used, a portion of his hair and beard was shaved off, +and sundry aromatic liquids applied to counteract an odor that was +by no means delightful to the senses. And when he had recovered +sufficiently to sit up, his eyes were fixed confusedly upon those +about him; then his hands wandered to his haunches, and he heaved a +deep sigh. "Pray tell me, gentlemen, (for I seem to have just come +out of a trance,) what has befallen me? Pray tell me, gentlemen, +that I may offer you such an apology as becomes my position, for I +am in a condition no man need envy. And to lose a hard earned +reputation so easily is no trifling thing." The commodore was +struggling to suppress his laughter, which had been excited by the +forlornness of the figure before him. He however begged the major to +be composed. As to losing his reputation by so trifling an accident, +he enjoined him not to think of it, since history afforded numerous +instances of great heroes who had met with similar ones. In truth, +it was just such an accident, taking place on the commencement of a +great battle, that saved General Cushing from the bullets of the +enemy, and his life to the country! And this timely accident I +record here for the benefit of that admiring generation which is yet +to come, and which might be deceived by that worthy historian, the +author of "The Mexican War," who recorded with so much faithfulness +all his gallant deeds, and hanged himself when he had finished. +Hearing this, he at once took heart, and declaring that it was all +owing to a derangement of the stomach, said, that although it was +the first time in his life that he had ever met with such an +accident, he had not the slightest doubt of its influence for good, +since a man's virtues lay in his power to bear up under such trials. + +They were now nearing the city, and the "Two Marys" having been left +far astern, the squadron put about, preparatory to setting the major +on board his own ship, which was done without the firing of a gun, +and with as much caution as if they had been handling eggs of a +venerable age. It must however be said for the credit of the +military profession, that the major never relaxed one iota of his +gallantry, and left the yacht with many kind remembrances for the +ladies, especially Miss Flora, whose beauty he declared he had never +seen excelled, though he had read all Mrs. Southworth's novels by +candle light. It ought also to be mentioned that one of the +officers, seeing his necessities, and being a man of a philanthropic +turn, gave him a pair of breeches, with a stripe down the side. And +with these the major consoled himself that he had at least parted +friends with the Yacht Club, and that, after all, there was no great +loss without some small gain. + +The squadron executed a maneuver, fired two guns, and parted company +with the "Two Marys," as, with seven days' news from Barnstable, she +neared Peck Slip, and made fast to a wharf, on which was assembled a +very dejected looking throng of people. Those fortunate enough to +have hats took them off, and began cheering in the wildest manner, +whilst the more respectable, whose raiment was of an exceedingly +damp description, and had been used at night for beds, took to using +their hands upon the heads of their neighbors. Here and there a +philosophical policeman was seen, with his hands in his pockets. +"Heavens!" said I to myself, "instead of being on the road to fame, +we have fallen among vagabonds, who will plunder us!" But I was +relieved of my fears by being informed that they were all honest +voters, who, though they had not a shirt to their backs, took +righteous good care of the city's affairs. + +When it became known that the major and myself were really on board, +there was a great firing of guns, and such other demonstrations of +welcome as made the major glad at heart; for he had changed his +nether garments, and was now sure the news of what had so recently +befallen him had not reached New York. There now came on board four +flabby men, dreamy of countenance, and whose dilapidated garments +bespoke them persons of menial occupations. But as neither St. Paul, +nor Alexander the Great, nor Henry Ward Beecher, (who, I take it, is +as great a man as either of them, and will leave more portraits of +himself than both,) never dressed according to their +"circumstances," so these four flabby men, the major thought, must +not be judged by the condition of their raiment, for it was nothing +new to see great men shabbily dressed. + +The shortest of the four flabby men, an oily sort of shabby +gentleman, who was blind of an eye, and had very disordered red +hair, and a bruise on the end of a very red nose, which looked like +a birch knot growing upon a redder face, now came jauntily forward, +and having doffed a much damaged hat, that sat on the side of his +head with a challenging air, and approaching the major, who had +arranged his uniform to the best advantage, spoke as follows: "Long +life t'yer 'onor, for me name's Dinnis Finnigan, born on the banks +of Lough Neagh, near Kerry; but for all that, as I says to myself, +Dinnis yer jist as good an American as iver drew first breath on the +soil. And now, seein' it's yersel, Major Potter"-- + +"Commonly called Major Roger Potter," interrupted the major, with a +bow. "And since I see you seek me, I may say I'm the person. I make +no doubt you have heard of me. I need not say how glad I am to see +you, for that will be told you by my private secretary." Here the +major turned round and cast a glance at me. + +"The same man that wouldn't hear of the likes o' ye, major, would'nt +be much of a politician. Ye'r as wilcom as the flowers of May, +jist," resumed Mr. Dinnis Finnigan, who now disclosed the singular +fact that, (Mr. Finnigan was a reformed member of the "Dead Rabbit +Club,") he now formed one of the Board of Common Council, where no +man could vote better on a question of money. Mr. Finnigan was +evidently not dead to the importance of his office, for he promised +no end of things in honor of the major, to the carrying out of which +he pledged the city, and would with equal sincerity (for his mind +was in a condition to make cities appear very small) have pledged +the whole Union. + +The major had for some moments been fixing his eyes upon Mr. +Finnigan with a scrutinizing stare. Suddenly his face became +flushed, his eye quickened its glare, and he stammered out, "I know +what belongs to good manners, and though you may be a councilman, +Mr. Finnigan, my eyes, and they are good ones, tell me I have seen +you before." + +"Faith, an' that same's not unlikely," interposed the moist +councilman. + +"Aye, and when you went by the name of Greeley Hanniford, and +followed an occupation that cost me all my money." + +Here Mr. Finnigan quickly interrupted by saying that as they had +both attained to the position of gentlemen, it were best to adopt +Bishop Hughes' motto, and let bye gones be bye gones. In truth the +major recognized in Councilman Finnigan, the honest Quaker, Greeley +Hanniford, who, with General Fopp, of "Pleasant-side Row," had +managed to relieve him of all his money during his first adventure +in New York. + +"But although he neither acted justly nor honorably towards me, our +conditions have changed, and it does not become my high position to +rake this thing up now, so let's hope he is come an honest man, and +a good politician!" thought the major, extending his hand to the +moist councilman, who was not a little troubled at the old +reminiscence. + +"And my motto is, major, let them what's dead, stay dead! But since +its not mysel is to spake the addriss, but Dan Dooley, who, by the +Virgin, is an alderman, a gintleman, and the friend of Father +Fogarty-" + +Seeing there was an old score to be wiped out between Mr. Councilman +Finnigan and the major, Mr. Alderman Dan Dooley, who was the tallest +of the four flabby men, and a whiskey visaged gentleman of ponderous +parts, now came fussily forward, and after exchanging many bows and +compliments with the major, saying how extremely glad he was to +welcome him to the city, introduced him to his son in law, +Councilman Dennis Blennerhasset, a frisky little man, with a cocked +up nose, and an expression of countenance in which no man with half +an eye could fail to read in what land he drew his first breath, if, +indeed, the rich brogue with which he returned the major's +salutation had not already revealed it. Having, long since, resolved +not to have my veracity as a historian impeached, I must not forget +to state here, (and I warn every pugnacious critic to be careful how +he points his lance at me,) that Alderman Dennis Dooley, although +the firm friend of Father Fogarty, was said to be the ablest editor +on the Evening Express, which for its profundity of logic, and +purity of style, was truly a marvel in journalism. As for Councilman +Blennerhasset, no man could bring aught against his capacity for +mixing compounds of deleterious liquors, which he sold to the +decaying humanity of his district; and, being what was considered a +modest man, the notion came into his head that he was born for the +high office of Councilman the very day he married the daughter of +Alderman Dooley. Mr. Councilman Blennerhasset spoke of himself as we +the common council, we the elected to do you honor on this great +occasion; we the representatives of this great and glorious +metropolis. Having accommodated the we a sufficient number of times +to satisfy us that he had the whole city nicely tucked away in the +pocket of his shabby coat, he turned round to introduce Alderman +Barney O'Toole, who, as a man and a gentleman, could do more off +hand fighting than any other man in the board, and was the fourth of +the flabby men. But that distinguished politician and gentleman, who +had been seven times sentenced for smashing the skulls of his +adversaries, was not at hand, having, while Mr. Blennerhasset was +thickening the compliments, winked me down into the cabin, where he +drew from his pocket a luminous bottle of old Bourbon whiskey, and +in the most friendly manner offered to pledge me in numerous +glasses. + +Just at this moment, a dozen or so of wan faced reporters, in +massive beards and black hats, pressed eagerly through the crowd, +and went to work like beavers dotting down all that was said, and a +little more. Then commenced the address by Alderman Dan Dooley, +whose breath was redolent of anything but the balm of a thousand +flowers, and who delivered his speech with an unctuous self +satisfaction, and in a style of rhetoric totally unknown to +Pericles, and never thought of by Demosthenes. The address was +carefully worded, so as to make the major a greater statesman than +had been known in any previous age, which is a fashion at this day; +and if I be not much mistaken, this speech was written by that +witty scribbler of the "Times" newspaper, who gets up speeches for +heroes at five minutes' notice, and then, having pocketed the money, +laughs in his sleeve at the men he has made fools. + +As addresses of the nearest possible resemblance to that delivered +on this occasion by Alderman Dan Dooley, may be found almost any day +in the morning papers, I hold it good economy not to occupy my +valuable space in recording it here. Nor, indeed, will it be +necessary to insert the major's reply, since it was very similar to +that made by him to the Commodore of the Yacht Club, and may also be +found in all the newspapers. And now, when these ceremonies were +over, the major bethought him of his horse and pig, the former of +which he found surrounded by a swarm of unruly boys, whom the +strange figure he cut, with the holsters and saddlebags mounted, +afforded much amusement. The latter was quietly lying down in his +cage, but came forward to render homage as soon as he heard the +major's voice. I should mention that the major always aimed to be up +to the fashion of the times, and learning from Councilman +Blennerhasset that demonstrations of a more public character had +recently been declined by one or two very distinguished politicians, +he made up his mind not to be a whit behind any of them, (for the +reason of which the reader may discover by conjecture,) and +therefore positively declined all public demonstrations, +notwithstanding the Splinters' Guard was soon on the spot, ready to +do him escort duty. He, however, retired into the cabin, where, (I +say it without envy, for I love a brave soldier,) he took a quiet +glass of whiskey and a sandwich with the very honorable "committee +of reception." And this being duly noted by the reporters, (one of +whom was seen purloining a sandwich or two,) the major gave +directions about the care of his pig, ordered his saddlebags upon +old Battle, who was weak enough in the extremities, and proceeded to +the wharf amidst the deafening acclamations of a hundred ragged +urchins, who, notwithstanding the distress of the animal, would have +mounted and rode away, but for the kindly interposition of two +policemen. + +There was standing on the wharf a somewhat dilapidated carriage, to +which four lean gray horses, such as are used for drawing all great +heroes through the city, were harnessed, and presented so forlorn a +figure that one might easily have imagined them employed by the +devil to convey to his dominions that shabby class of sinners +consigned to him on Sunday evenings by the Rev. Henry Ward Beecher. +Into this the distinguished representatives of the great metropolis +insisted upon getting the major, that he might be conveyed to the +apartments secured for him at the great St. Nicholas Hotel, in a +manner becoming so great a politician. But as the major was not +quite sure whether his reputation would be best preserved by +sticking to the politician, or by dropping the politician, and +sticking to his laurels as a military man, he shook his head and +hesitated for some time. He was half inclined to dub himself the +warrior; and as warriors always appeared best on horseback, he was, +to the great delight of the throng, about to mount his faithful +animal, assign me his seat in the hero-trap, and follow at a +respectful distance. But he bethought himself that both were noble +professions; and, surely, to emulate in both must be a prominent +desire with all great men. After holding a consultation with me, he +said he always remembered the motto: "Great is the man who humbles +himself." Being satisfied then that it would not lessen his dignity, +nor, indeed, in any way detract from the character of a military +politician, who had need enough to look to his laurels, he agreed +that Alderman Dan Dooley should ride old Battle. And with this +resolve he at once repaired to the carriage, in which he took a seat +with the three gentlemen of the committee, leaving me to pick my way +as best I could, and drove away for the hotel, (followed at a +respectful distance by the loquacious alderman, thus comically +mounted,) with this strange string of cattle. And this wonderful +cort‚ge was followed by scores of hooting and ragged urchins, who +switched old Battle's gambrels, and annoyed him in so many ways, +that the alderman at length lost his temper, and was several times +forced to dismount and beat back the harassing enemy with stones and +such other weapons as he could lay his hands on. + +And now, gentle reader, fearing I may weary you with this long train +of nonsense, which, however, I have endeavored to make conform to +the follies of the day, I will close this chapter, and for what took +place at the great St. Nicholas Hotel, refer you to the next. + + + + + + +CHAPTER XXVII. + +WHICH TREATS OF MANY THINGS UNIQUE AND WONDERFUL, ALL OF WHICH TOOK +PLACE WHEN THE MAJOR ARRIVED AT THE GREAT ST. NICHOLAS HOTEL. + + + + + +So great was the anxiety of the reporters to jot down the most +trifling occurrence, that they followed close at the heels of the +juvenile rabble, and at times were in great danger of getting their +heads cracked by the missiles hurled by the infuriated alderman, +who, in his heart, had a holy horror of such persons, and would have +killed a dozen of them without shedding a tear, though they had +several times made very intelligible English of his very +unintelligible speeches. Fatigued and almost out of breath, they, +however reached the grand hotel in good time, and quite took +possession of the landlord's best parlor, though he was as polite a +gentleman as could be met with in a day's journey. They then entered +his gorgeous bar-room, and partook freely of his liquors, (of which +he kept none but the best,) telling him that as they were without +money, he must charge the score to the freedom of the press. The +host being accustomed to the pranks of these worthy men, as they are +called by their employers, bid them take comfort in his house; at +the same time, knowing their propensities, he cautioned them against +making free with his chambermaids. + +The cort‚ge had been proceeding at a slow pace, which so increased +the difficulties they met from the ragged urchins along the road, +that the driver whipped up and arrived at the hotel in peace. But +this rather increased than diminished Alderman Dooley's +difficulties, for old Battle being unable to quicken his pace, the +urchins made him the object of their mischief, and so retarded his +progress that the major had arrived full half an hour when he +reached the hotel. In truth, he was compelled to dismount and lead +the animal, in order to secure his own safety. + +The reception at the hotel, as it appeared on the following morning +in the newspapers, was something truly magnificent, proving +conclusively that the reporters had seen no less than one hundred +persons for every one present. My love for truth in all matters of +history constrains me to say, that these reporters made a great +mistake, since nothing could have been more simple, and yet in +keeping with true greatness, than the major's reception at the +hotel, and this for the very reason that he had outdistanced the +rabble. My declining years and gray hairs forbid me envying any man +his laurels, but I will not degrade a noble profession by making +myself the vassal of every great man who sets foot on these shores. +I say, then, that when the cattle and the major reached the door of +this spacious pile of white marble, wherein cheap luxury awaits the +million, it was near sundown, and the only persons standing at the +grand entrance, were those eight or ten bediamonded gentlemen who +carry on their occupation in suspicious places, and are commonly +called swell mobsmen, though judging from the air and circumstance +with which they occupy the great entrance to the great St. Nicholas, +it would seem as if the landlord had employed them for the double +purpose of ogling ladies as they passed and holding up his marble +columns. I should indeed be sorry to hear that this was true, for an +extremely respectable acquaintance tells me the landlord is a most +excellent gentleman, and looks well to the reputation of his house. + +As the carriage stopped the major cast a glance upward, as if +viewing the curiously wrought lintels of the massive marble front, +and exclaimed: "Upon my soul, gentlemen, it is so grand I begin to +fear I shall not be comfortable in it." He had scarcely concluded +this sentence, when a distinguished politician, habited in soiled +drab trousers and a shabby brown dress coat, and a badly collapsed +hat, which he wore well down over his eyes, rushed eagerly out, and +was followed by a mellow faced policeman, with a green patch over +his left eye and a club in his right hand. Constituting in +themselves a committee of reception, the distinguished politician, +who was a delegate from the custom house, now made himself right +busy in getting the major and the high functionaries safely out of +the carriage. And this being done without delay, the policeman +ordered the swell mobsmen to stand back until the distinguished +politician had presented his congratulations, which he did, adding +that he had long been familiar with the potency of the major's +greatness, which the city, unlike other cities, was always ready to +honor. + +The strange figure cut by the major, in his stranger uniform, +attracted the attention of sundry enthusiastic chambermaids, who +appeared upon the balconies, and recognizing in the character of the +team the arrival of an important personage, commenced waving +napkins, and giving such other visible signs of their admiration, +that he was with difficulty restrained from making them a speech on +the spot. + +He now moved quietly into the house, the jaded policeman on his +right, and the distinguished politician on his left, and followed by +the three high officials and a score of reporters. Turning neither +to the right nor the left, he proceeded straight on into the great +bar room, where the queerness of his walk and raiment attracted no +little attention among the well dressed gentry who nightly meet +there to discuss over well compounded punches all affairs +appertaining to the welfare of the state. And here, having quenched +their thirst in mixtures of whiskey and water, which is the favorite +drink with all really great politicians, the party quietly retired +up stairs to a splendidly furnished parlor and bedroom, provided at +the expense of the city, against which a score of six shillings now +stood at the bar. + +A sudden commotion in the street, accompanied by shouts and huzzas +that made the very air echo, discovered the fact that Alderman Dan +Dooley had arrived. Indeed, the scene that at that moment was being +enacted in Broadway beggared description, and caused a great +scampering among the reporters, who hastened to the spot in order +not to lose a single occurrence. There stood old Battle, bespattered +with mud, and in a condition so pitiable, that no truly +philanthropic gentleman could have withheld his tears. Near him +stood Mr. Alderman Dan Dooley, excited, distracted, infuriated, and +swearing by all the saints in the calendar, to have revenge of a +swarm of unwashed and ragged urchins, who stood jeering him at a +respectful distance, and whom his sudden advances and retreats +rather amused than daunted; for although they seemed in no way +inclined to stand his charge, they would follow his retreat with +renewed energy. A waiter now relieved the animal of the saddlebags +and holsters, and taking him by the bridle led him limping to the +stable, where he seized with great avidity the hay and oats set +before him. A second policeman, according to a well respected custom +among the force, came up when all the trouble was over, and +addressing the discomfited alderman, said: "If I had been a minute +sooner, sir, this thing would not have occurred; but I was called +from my beat to quell a brush at fists between two of our common +councilmen, at Florence's. I now come to your protection; and as you +are a worthy gentleman, whom it is my office to obey, say but the +word and I pledge you my faith to club the heads of every one of +your persecutors. But first let me entreat you to get into the +house, and if my club fail not, you shall see how I can keep the +peace." + +The alderman listened with great attention to the policeman, +converted his rage into discretion, and disappeared in the great bar +room of the St. Nicholas, where he forgot his afflictions in a stout +draught of water and whiskey, which so addressed itself to his +dignity, that after ordering it charged to the city's account, he +repaired quietly into the presence of his true friends, who had +already began to unite in compliments to the major. "Now, meiger," +spoke Mr. Alderman Dooley, approaching the major, with his right +hand extended, "understand that it's we that are the riprisintitives +of this mitropilas, in which ye're as wilcome as the flowers of May. +Mind that now! And may the smiles of heaven rest upon ye, an' upon +the gineration ye bilongs to. Gifts, meiger, are given to the great +for a pirpose. Faith, it's my own exparience tells me that! Whisht +now! (Here he tapped the major confidentially on the arm.) The city +manes to do ye 'oner enough, oneyhow. An' its myself and Terry Brady +'ll see the pay comes." Terry Brady was the name of the +distinguished politician. Mr. Dan Dooley now being, as he said, +"entirely done out," flung his hat under the table and himself upon +a luxuriant sofa, carved in black walnut, and upholstered with green +and orange colored brocade. And upon this he felt great comfort for +his feet, while the high colored figures of the Turkey carpet +afforded him an excellent target for the substance he ever and anon +ejected from his spacious and discolored mouth. + +And, too, my high regard for the fair guests of the great St. +Nicholas, of whom it was said by these malicious reporters that they +rushed "en masse" to receive the major, immediately he entered the +house, reminds me that I must not forget to mention, that the only +ladies present were the wife of the distinguished politician, and a +damsel of fair looks and firm virtue. I am no higilian, and only use +the term "firm virtue" here, as being applicable to this damsel; for +although no end of slanders had been cast upon her, the man who +dared to come forward and say he had trifled with her chastity, was +yet to be found. By these, I freely confess he was received with a +courtesy worthy of so great a politician. + +And now, when it was night, and two thousand jets of gas threw a +blaze of light over the massive pile, which seemed suddenly +transformed into a regal palace, where high colors and cheap revelry +went hand in hand, the party, joined and rejoined by several other +distinguished politicians, refreshed themselves on a sumptuous +supper, which the landlord had prepared without regard to expense. +And when this was over, and the major's arrival had got fully noised +about, there came such a throng of rejected humanity that the house +presented the appearance of a palace beseiged by bread rioters. And +so impassioned did the clamor of the throng become, that I thought +if Saint Nicholas, who was supposed to be the presiding deity of +this hotel, could look down upon it without a frown, he must be an +uncommon saint. In fine, the landlord found that getting so great a +politician into his house was not much to its reputation, as the +eclat therein gained would be counteracted, with tenfold interest, +by the pilfering propensities of his unwashed followers, who now +rushed into his house in such ungovernable confusion that guards had +to be stationed along the passages, armed with tipstaffs and +bludgeons. Indeed, he wished in his heart that the devil or some +other gentleman of quality had Major Roger Sherman Potter, for then +he could preserve the good name of his patron saint. + +Persons of every political hue and circumstance poured in, were +presented to the major, and drank of the liquors which were being +ordered without stint and despatched with the same freedom by the +honorable committee of reception. And thus they came, and drank +great draughts, and complimented one another. And although not a few +marveled at finding the major such a queer person, and quite unlike +what he had been represented, all joined in drinking his health and +flattering his vanity. And when it was ten o'clock, there came +divers delegations of ungainly persons, (from the custom house, and +the post office, and Tammany Hall, and various other halls,) such as +fighting men and vagabonds, who, being headed by such ambitious +politicians as the invincible George Branders, and flanked by the +too honest Emanuel Hart, presented an appearance so suspicious that +the guests of the house began to look well to their pockets, while +the landlord set several of his servants to gathering up the old +clothes. Indeed, it seemed as if rascaldom had broken from its +dominions to revel in the palace of St. Nicholas. And as all these +shabby gentlemen, but very excellent politicians, stood much in need +of something to quench their thirst, it was soon found that the +small sum set apart to pay the landlord for all his services, would +not even wipe out the score at his bar, to say nothing of the damage +done his furniture and other little affairs. He had given bed and +board to many a man without getting a dime in return, and thanked +heaven that good fortune had enabled him to do so, but now he was +not a little disturbed in his temper at the state of his accounts, +for he knew the city was as slow to pay an "over ordered" bill as it +was quick in paying homage to great demagogues. He therefore, in the +kindest manner, intimated to the major, that unless he would be +personally responsible for the "surplus," he must close the score at +his bar. And this he said in self-protection, for no man could lay +the charge of having done a mean act at his door. The major, with +becoming courtesy, pledged his honor to the landlord, and bid him +think no more of the bill, since if he closed the floodgate of his +bar, which gave out such exuberant medicine as made the tears of +patriots to flow, his power would surely be at an end. "Be not +agitated, sir," said he, with an air of enlarged self complacency, +"but convert your misgivings into confidence in me, for I see you +are a true republican, and would not harm a man whose fame is so +well established." Thus the major addressed the landlord, who +retired with regained confidence, and, as I thought, a feeling of +self reproach for having intimated his doubts in the matter. + +The major was now getting weary with the mighty business of +receiving the compliments of ten score would-be patriots and noisy +politicians, when there entered a greater man than any of them. And +this was no less a person than Don Fernando, a man of much will and +circumstance, and now mayor of the city. Many things had been said +of this truly great man, not the least of which was, that the Romans +ought to be thankful that he was not born in the days of the C‘sars, +though in the honest yearnings of his ambition he had frequently +indulged in the thought, that his wisdom and invincibility of arm +was second to none of them. Indeed, it was said among other things, +equally true, that he had more than once consoled himself with the +fact, that if he had not gained the notoriety of C‘sar, it was no +fault of his will, for he could make promises he never meant to +keep, and gnash his teeth at his enemies, to an extent that ought to +satisfy the most enthusiastic admirer of Roman greatness. But +republicanism, as developed by the prudence of our people, had so +changed and altered things, that great men, though they had +performed unheard of deeds of valor, were laughed at when they +assumed powers not clearly belonging to them. + +As the design of this history will be imperfect unless I record what +took place when these great men met, and which ought to be read and +considered by future generations, I must here inform the reader, +that he will find it faithfully translated in the next chapter. + + + + + + +CHAPTER XXVIII. + +WHICH CAREFULLY RECORDS WHAT PASSED BETWEEN THE MAJOR AND THE +MAYOR-HOW THEY MADE SPEECHES, AND WERE SERENADED. + + + + + +WE are an exacting people, frequently requiring too much of our +great men, and achieving in a week what it took ordinary nations, +such as Greece and Rome, years to perform. Therefore I hold it right +that we be cautious how we trust the recording of every great event +to such witty but careless historians as Bancroft and Prescott, who +are much given to pleasing descriptions of wonderful revolutions, +but entirely overlook the battered and bruised hero, for the purpose +of making others to their fancy. + +You must know, then, that this mayor, Don Fernando, (he bore no +resemblance to the Don Fernando of Don Quixote,) advanced with the +gravity and solemnity of one whose business it was to kill giants; +for though he was a man of much humor, he had a necromantic facility +for dissembling, and could declare before high heaven his innocence +of any crime laid at his door, and in the very next breath issue an +order giving peace and comfort to pickpockets. And while I am +writing of this great man, I may mention that if there was any one +thing more than another he was famous for, it was a curious +infatuation for great placards, in which he enjoined all good +citizens to preserve the peace, at the same time commanding his +worthy vassals, the policemen, to crack the skulls of all who came +in their way. + +Tall of figure, with a pale and long visage, which he prided himself +resembled the visage of an equally great man, he advanced at a pace +indicative of one who felt the grandeur of his position. The major +was at first not a little surprised at the manner of his visitor; +but being himself a dabster at great things, he soon recognized the +quality of the new comer, and came forth to meet him in all his +uniform, not even forgetting his three cornered hat, which he passed +with his left hand while making an unexceptionable bow. +Unembroidered greatness-yes, naked greatness, stripped of all +falsehood and pretence, and such only as is worthy of governing an +honest world, which it would generously do, but for the trifling +inconvenience to itself, was here represented in these two great +men-the Scylla and Charybdis of these wonderful times. The only +perceptible difference in their prowess was, that the mayor stood at +least a head and a half taller than the major. Both had begun making +unexceptionable bows, when Alderman Dan Dooley, seeing the +embarrassment that might occur, came resolutely forward, (having +first set down the bottle from which he had replenished Councilman +Finnigan's glass,) and addressing the mayor, said, "Faith, then, I +ask no greater enterprise than to serve yer 'onor, seein' how ye +know the dacency one great man owes to another. By my faith, then, +I'm deloighted to prisent ye to the gintleman we all mane to 'onor. +Faith, an' it's himself's before ye, Meiger Roger (stay! what the +devil is it now?) I have it. Meiger Roger Jefferson Potter!" + +"Major Roger Sherman Potter, commonly called Major Roger Potter!" +the major interrupted, with a deferential bow. + +"Faith, an' the neame atween the two's no matter onyhow!" rejoined +Mr. Alderman Dooley, who, having left the two great men to +themselves, again took to the bottle, and continued serving himself +and his friend with an experience in every way worthy of so great an +alderman. + +"Pray, sir," said Fernando, with a gracious smile, "take nothing +amiss that our worthy friend says." And here he blushed, and seemed +not a little mortified at the pranks of his favorite alderman, +though they were natural enough to the condition he was in. "He +means well," resumed the mayor, dryly, "and is an honest alderman, +though given to drink at times. And now, since fortune has been so +kind as to grant me the opportunity of paying my respects to one so +worthy of admiration, let me congratulate you upon your safe arrival +in the city. I have the power, and it will be my pleasure to see +that the public acknowledgements you have merited are properly +bestowed." The major here interrupted by reminding the mayor that he +had, on the advice of a very good friend, declined all public +ovations. + +"As to that," continued Fernando, "fashion has made it necessary to +say these little things; for a great man is never so great as when +he seeks to avoid homage. And we are not always bound to say what we +mean." + +"As to my greatness, sir," replied the major, "I will leave that to +others; for it is no trifling thing for a man who has done all he +can for his country to be snuffed out by the envious pen of some +rascally scribbler for the newspapers. Let us think well of +ourselves, and leave the rest to our friends." + +"Truly, major, you are of my way of thinking, for that is precisely +what I do." + +"And because you do, you have risen to your present proud position!" +interposed the major. "Being a military man, I would have you know +that I am no flatterer, but a man who loves peace, and hates the +devil and all his arrogant vassals. Your fame, sir, has gone over +the land; and as to your greatness, I bow to that, for I have heard +many good men testify to it; and now that I see it with my own eyes, +written all down the length of your person, no man shall speak ill +of you-in my presence! And as you have embarked in great +undertakings, may heaven grant you power to carry them to a +successful issue." + +"As what you have said concerns me much, accept my thanks; for it is +the good opinion of men like yourself that pleases me. I have now +many difficulties on hand, it is true; but when I have conquered, +and shown myself superior to my enemies, I will lay up my sword, +give my hand to the people, and my heart to enjoining heaven to +grant me repose. The bent of my ambition, sir, would have no +difficulty in finding its way but for those wonderful men, the +editors, who lay a new born child at my door every day, and think it +no harm to set the country by the ears, though they are glad enough +when men of our stamp step in to conciliate matters." + +They thus spent ten minutes in pleasant conversation, complimenting +one another, evidently not a little pleased with themselves, and +resolved not to leave the settling of their preeminent prowess to +any one else. Indeed, the scene enacted between the mayor and the +major would have become extremely affecting but for Alderman +O'Toole, who, being a man of much understanding, proposed that they +seal their friendship with a little brandy and water. Neither having +any scruples in the matter, they filled their glasses with much pomp +and circumstance. "And now, gentlemen," said Mr. Alderman O'Toole, +"I propose the health of your honors together; for barring General +Pierce, greater men never lived, as myself knows." They bowed and +emptied their glasses to this toast, at which several of those +present were not a little amused. The mayor, who was, with his many +other traits of character, sufficiently versed in strategy to +extricate himself from any snare, said he felt constrained to say a +few words in return for the compliment, and was about making a +speech on the spot. Happily a waiter entered at the moment, bearing +in his hand a plate of cold chicken, which so excited Don Fernando's +appetite that he thought no more of his dignity, but seized upon the +best meated leg, and holding it daintily between his fingers, and +applying his teeth, never stopped until he had stripped it clean to +the bone. And while engaged in this laudable enterprise, they were +surprised by a band of musicians in the street, playing "Hail to the +Chief." The night was dark, and on looking out of the window, it was +discovered that the musicians were some twenty grim looking Germans, +with very long beards and longer brass instruments, with which they +seemed determined to perforate ten ragged newsboys, who, with the +picture of rascality written on their mischievous faces, stood +holding as many pitiful tallow candles almost under the noses of the +windy fellows, whose eyes were on their notes. When the band ceased +playing, the throng cheered and kept up a loud calling for the +major, who, the mayor said, must go out and make a speech, for it +would not do to offend them by keeping silent. He also deemed it +prudent to caution the major against saying what he really thought. +In truth, he whispered in the major's ear that he must mind and +strike the popular point; and when touching upon anything of great +moment, be careful to so construct his sentences that they embody a +double meaning. As to promises, he must be sure to make enough of +them, only let it be on the principle that promises are always +expected to take care of themselves. When the major had listened +sufficiently to the admonitions of the mayor, he repaired to the +balcony, where he was so surprised to find several ladies, dressed +with great taste and splendor, that his modesty became much taxed, +though they saluted him with becoming courtesy. The crowd outside, +which was now rampant of disorder, recognized in the short, +corpulent figure before them, with the red hair standing erect upon +a turnip-like head, the man of their wish, whom they greeted with +three deafening cheers. The major bowed and spread his hands, in the +left of which he held the engrossing emblem of his dignity, his +three cornered hat. + +"Gentlemen!" said he, in a voice somewhat shaky, "I thank you for +this great honor, which I may or may not have merited. You know it +does not say much for a man that he speaks of himself; but this I +will say, that the man who serves his country for his country is the +man for me. If you, being people of high quality and much respect, +(I never judge men from what they seem on the outside, not I!) shall +give me your confidence, I warrant you shall see I am no +unscrupulous politician!" Here the throng sent up a loud cheer, and +tapered it off with three tigers. "Ah! that is what I like," resumed +the major; "I always did like the music of the Democracy. It sounds +as if it was the free offering of hearts innocent, and not given to +retrieve." "Intrigue," whispered Don Fernando, correctively, as he +stood close behind the major, evidently delighted at the good temper +of those about him. "Exactly!" bowed the major, "intrigue was what I +meant to say!" Affected either by the strangeness of the scene, or +his anxiety for the welfare of his much valued animals, he continued +in this incoherent strain for some minutes, but said not a word of +his early whiggery, or the affair of the Yacht Club. Many of the +persons outside now began to marvel at the strangeness of his +speech, and to think him not so much of a politician after all. In +truth, although he said much about our liberties, and was several +times jeered with the question as to what he thought "about +niggers," not a few puzzled their brains to find out to what manner +of politician he belonged. And as he concluded by enjoining them to +be good fathers, dutiful husbands, and honest men, which three +virtues were sure to secure the blessings of heaven, the puzzle +became still greater. And yet the throng cheered vociferously. When, +then, he had concluded, he wiped the perspiration from his brow, +fritted his finger through his beard, and shook hands with several +of the ladies, who still thought him a great man, in whose strange +speech there was much those acquainted with the politics of the +nation could perfectly understand. + +Again the music ceased, and loud calls were made for Don Fernando, +who always had an apology when invited to make a speech, and an +excuse for making it on the second invitation, which he never failed +to accept. In fine, I say it with no intention of satire, that Don +Fernando never let an opportunity to make a speech slip through his +fingers, though three invitations, as he held, were necessary to one +speech. In truth, he regarded invitations as losing nothing in their +passage, when they concerned great men; for it was a rule with our +best politicians to make reluctance a virtue. + +After repeated calls, then, Don Fernando turned to address the +multitude, and said in a speech of some twenty minutes, much that +they had heard before, and expected to hear again. He cautioned them +to look well to their liberties, though it were good to be careful +how they were found breaking the peace and men's heads. I would +mention here, that this singular admonition was induced by the +presence of some six or seven of Don Fernando's old friends among +the throng outside. And these worthy men commenced their favorite +avocation with such shouts as-"Go it Fernando! Fernando and +liberty!" And when they had thus deported themselves to their +satisfaction, they took to demolishing the trombones of the players, +as if such amusement was to their taste. + +Don Fernando concluded his speech by saying, he saw in the persons +present, the great and glorious elements of our expanding +civilization. Kind providence just then sent a refreshing shower, as +if in pity at the condition of the raiment his listeners were clad +in. And this sent many to their homes; but the more patriotic had no +fear of a shower, and seemed not inclined to leave until they had +heard a speech from Mr. Alderman Dan Dooley, for whom they called +loudly. These calls were seconded by persons on the balcony, who out +of sheer derision, demanded his presence with so much earnestness as +convinced the loquacious Dooley that history and his friends would +not be content without a word from him on this great occasion. But +Don Fernando well knew that the reporters, as was customary with +them, would embellish that one word rather curiously, for they were +kind to him, and invariably made him say all the witty things they +could think of. + +"Upon my word, Mr. Dooley," whispered Don Fernando, "the thing has +ended well; and it strikes me we have had speeches enough for the +evening." + +"Faith!" exclaimed the Alderman, "I'm contint to lave them with the +spaech of yir 'oner." + +Mr. Dooley, if the truth must be told, was not in a condition to get +off smooth sentences, though his deportment would have afforded much +diversion. And as good speeches lost nothing by keeping, he resolved +not to let his off just yet. And so completely was Don Fernando +master of the Alderman, that he sauntered, or rather oscillated into +a corner, and sat down. + +The small hours of morning had well nigh come, when Don Fernando, +without change in the dignity of his bearing, took his departure; +expressing, as he left the door, the great pleasure it would give +him to receive the major at the City Hall on the morrow. And when he +was gone, the committee of reception thought no more of him, but +drew their chairs round the major, and with divers friends of the +same hue and circumstance, commenced showering upon him no end of +compliments, declaring him to be the father of more political +reforms than Jefferson and Washington ever dreamed of. + +When their generosity had come sufficiently mellowed, and the +landlord had declared his inability to furnish any more whiskey, and +Mr. Councilman Finnigan began to see ghosts and murderers by the +dozen, all of which he would have sworn were real, and set about +thrashing with the gallantry of a true Irish gentleman, Mr. O'Toole +proposed that the major become a citizen of New York, when he would +wager any amount of money to make him next mayor of the city. + +"I cannot say I would be equal to the duties, gentlemen, for I have +never been mayor. My services, (except now and then,)"-here the +major filled his glass-"have been for the army and politics, which I +take it have nothing to do with setting a city to rights. If +spitting an enemy, getting up a riot, and giving peace and comfort +to them who have a taste for breaking heads, be things which a mayor +must be an adept at, then you may trust me, gentlemen," said the +major, giving his hand to Alderman Dooley in pledge of his faith. + +Alderman Baggs, who was a man of much wind, and extremely fond of +making speeches on these great occasions, though in this instance he +had peaceably pursued his advances upon the bottle, and left the +speeches to others, proposed that instead of mayor, which after all +was no great affair of an office, he immediately set on foot a +project for making the major President of the United States. The +major, he said, had surely evinced ability enough. + +"What you please-make what you please of me, gentlemen, for I am +your servant, and the good servant is known by his work-that I know! +And if it is your will that I should be President, my highest +ambition shall be to serve you to the best of my ability. This I may +say, give me the power, as my wife, Polly Potter, used to say, and I +will hang fillibusters to your satisfaction." + +An alderman of the name of Billy Bristle, who was known to have a +slight inclination for fillibustering, and had more than a score of +times pledged the city to the measures of gentlemen that way +inclined, having just looked in to pay his respects to the city's +guest, rose quickly to his feet at hearing so bold a proposal to get +rid of his friends, and declared his readiness to fight any +gentleman who would say a word damaging to the character of the +fillibusters. Alderman Dooley, between whom and Alderman Bristle, an +old grudge had stood for some time unsettled, cast a frown upon the +assertion, and declared that the language held was an implied +insult, whereupon he measured with his stalwart arm the distance +between his body and the Alderman's nose. This being the signal for +a grand set to, which was had in right good earnest, the scene of +confusion that followed no one need attempt to describe, unless he +have the pen of a Balzac. Tumblers and broken chairs being the order +of weapon most in use, and the major not being skilled in the use of +such arms, lost no time in retreating to a dark closet, where, +closely packed among sundry old clothes and house rubbish, he +congratulated himself by saying: "Now, as I am a military man, and +have no taste for this sort of fighting, I will look well to my +head, and let them have the glory." + +The landlord had paced his halls in great tribulation for some time, +for he saw he had been grievously taken in, and that the damage to +the reputation of his house would be four fold what he would get of +the city for all his trouble. Seeing, then, his house in a state of +confusion, and having fears for the good name of his patron saint, +he rushed into the room, crying, "Gentlemen! gentlemen! pray leave +my house, for though I see you are guardians of the city, you seem +to have as little respect for the reputation of my house, which is +my bread, as you have for the good order of the city. Pray get away +from here, and what you have had shall be given for charity's sake." +Seeing they were not inclined to respect his admonition, he called a +posse of policemen, and ordered them to clear his house of the +miscreants; but they, seeing it was their own masters who were +deporting themselves in this disorderly manner, merely shook their +heads and walked away. In this dilemma, for the landlord saw he +could not get of the police what he paid for, he called some two +score of his own servants, who, having no respect for high officials +who do not respect themselves, were not long in tumbling them into +the street; and would have had Major Roger Sherman Potter following +them, if he could have been found! + + + + + + +CHAPTER XXIX. + +IN WHICH MAJOR ROGER POTTER IS FOUND ALMOST SUFFOCATED; AND HOW HE +DECLARES THAT MEN OF LOWLY BIRTH BECOME DANGEROUS WHEN ELEVATED TO +POWER. + + + + + +THE writer of this history, remembering how his mother admonished +him to be virtuous and prudent, retired quietly to bed before the +passions of the high functionaries had caused so violent an +outbreak. And though his regard for the major's reputation was of +the tenderest kind, he slept soundly, feeling sure that there was +nothing in the list of misfortunes the major was incapable of +overcoming. It was with no little surprise, then, that I was awoke +by the landlord on the following morning, and told that Major Roger +Potter was no where to be found. He regretted having such people in +his house; but said it would shorten the account of his misfortunes, +if he could but find the missing guest, for it was his custom to +treat all men with courtesy. + +On repairing to the parlor, which we did as speedily as possible, +proof of what had taken place on the previous night lay strewn all +over the floor. There, too, lay the major's three cornered hat, as +if sitting in judgment upon a promiscuous heap of bottles. But this +was the only vestige of the missing hero. At length a sort of +murmuring sound was heard, as of some one in great distress. Seeing +the landlord much perplexed, I listened with anxious attention, and +soon discovered the sound to resemble very much that made by the +major over the bruising given him by Captain Luke Snider. On +approaching the closet door, it was found to be locked, and the +landlord declared there was no space for one so stout within its +bounds. Deeming it prudent, however, the lock was turned, to the +great delight and relief of the major, who came forth like an half +roasted rhinoceros, heaved a sigh, and swore by no less than three +saints, as soon as he gained the use of his tongue, that the fellow +who turned the key on him was no friend. + +"I am marvelously fond of retirement, I would have you know," he +spoke, with an air of much concern, "but I choose not to sacrifice +my life in this way, for it is a device of the devil, and those in +league with him." He emerged from the rubbish half dead with fear, +and continued for some minutes proclaiming the baseness and +treachery of the act. Then clasping the landlord by the hand, he +besought him to be his friend while he took revenge of the enemies +who had played this trick upon him. + +"Pray be comforted, sir, for these things are mere trifles, and a +great man is never so great as when he forgets his misfortunes," +said he, "and heaven knows it has all gone wrong with me. You, sir, +have a position I lay no claim to." + +"Ah!" replied the major, "it is because I have a position, and think +of it, that aggravates my misery. And though I am ready to confess +that I owe my deliverance to your wisdom and prudence, I begin to +think that power is most to be feared when entrusted to men who have +been brought up in servitude; for among their many accomplishments +they do not include that which teacheth every man who would take +care of the nation, to bear in mind, that he serves her best who +thinks least of himself. A mule may bray, but it takes an ass to be +an ass. I have been these twenty years, sir, serving my country; and +I take to myself no little credit that I have served it as well as +any of them, of which my secretary can bear testimony." Here the +major turned to me for a word of approval. The landlord now put +several questions to him concerning his adventures in Mexico and +elsewhere, to all of which he gave such extraordinary answers, that +he felt assured that whatever eccentricities he might be guilty of +at times, he had at least a vigorous understanding, and was as great +a man as had come that way for many a day. And so completely did the +landlord, who appreciated genius of the highest order, when it did +not conflict with his interests, fall in with all the major's +crotchets, that he would have written sonnets in his praise, but for +the danger of entering upon so hazardous an occupation. He now +condoled him for having fallen into the hands of such political +vagabonds as had brought disgrace upon his house, and who he swore +would bring disgrace upon any house that had doors open to them. + +After a moment of deep thought, the major turned to the landlord, +and with great earnestness of manner, said: "Since, sir, I have +suffered no loss, let us think no more of these little distresses, +for they so discipline a man, that if he have a heart it must be +made capable of overcoming those obstacles all great men find in +their way. We both agree on this point, Mr. Landlord. And since that +matter is settled, if you have no objection, I will join you at +breakfast, where we will debate several little matters concerning my +mission." + +The landlord smiled, and expressed his delight at such an act of +condescension, which was rare in so great a man. + +The major then made a hasty toilet, and together they entered the +western dining room, the size and splendor of which quite astonished +him, for the walls were inlaid with mirrors from the ceiling to the +floor, and reflected the guests and each object with which the table +was set out, while the ceiling overhead was decorated with frescoes +and stucco work tipped with gold. Observing many fine ladies +present, the major, out of sheer respect to his military reputation, +made them all one of his most courteous bows before taking a seat, +at which they were not a little diverted. + +The landlord being himself a politician of no mean order, asked the +major what he thought would be the effect of the repeal of the +Missouri Compromise. + +"That, sir," replied the major, "depends entirely upon how the +people take it. If they hold their peace, then there will be peace. +But if these humanity mongers, who would break the peace of the +nation to get a new issue on the nigger question, get to kicking up +a dust, then there will be no peace. It must certainly be confessed, +that niggers ought to thank heaven that they are as well off as they +are; and those who say otherwise know not what they say. I also hold +it an advantage in political economy, that we keep the lazy rascals +where by selling them we can pocket the money when occasion +requires." + +The landlord was now satisfied that his guest was at least right on +this all important question of "niggers," though as many inferences +might be drawn from his answer as from a speech of Senator Douglas +respecting the territories. + +Among other things, the major noticed that not a few of the ladies +were deeply absorbed in reading the morning papers, and this so +excited his curiosity that he must needs inquire of the landlord +what it meant, when he was told that they contained an accurate +account of what took place on the previous night, including his +speech, which was so perfect a piece of composition, embracing so +many subjects, and discovering a power to penetrate the designs of +the enemy so truly wonderful, that not only his friends, but every +lady at the table was commending him for it. "It is generous of +them," returned the major, squinting across the table; "but I would +have you know, I am a favorite with the ladies wherever I go, and +being naturally tender hearted, I have known times when they would +embrace me most affectionately. I say this between ourselves, for +their fondness was beyond my expectation." Having ordered a copy of +the Herald, (a journal which had for many years furnished the major +his political, philosophical, and diversional reading,) he there +found not only that he had made a speech of rare eloquence, but one +of the most delightful as well as minute biographies of himself ever +written. In truth, he was there made the hero of so many exploits as +to make this history entirely unnecessary. I ought to mention, +however, that the sagacious reporters were cautious not to mention +the affair which caused the polite landlord to eject the high +officials from his house. This gave an additional charm to the whole +concern, and so elated the major as to entirely take away his +appetite. Indeed, he resolved from that moment, let whatever come, +to travel no farther without a reporter of his own. They made the +very best sort of speeches, and could make and unmake great men with +a facility truly astonishing, usually laying the greatest stress +upon the smallest things. + +When breakfast was over, the landlord drew the major aside, and +requested as a favor that he would listen to what he said. +"Understand me, sir," he said, with a look of concern, "you are +welcome in my house, but I fear there are difficulties creeping in +that may lessen our friendship if left unexplained. I see you are a +man of great mental power, a stranger, and a gentleman, therefore +you cannot be expected to know the great distress our aldermen, who +are much given to ceremonies of this sort, have brought upon several +honest men. You see, sir, how fond they are of the bottle, and as +there are only two hundred dollars set apart for the bill at my +house, which will not square last night's bill at the bar, pray give +them a hint, for their generosity knows no bounds at times; and if I +present a bill somewhat over the mark, I am laughed at, and set down +for a confirmed fool." + +"I see you are an honest man," replied the major, "and it is a pity +your house should be damaged by persons who have not the fear of +bills before their eyes, though they have the gold of the city at +their command. But, sir, let your thoughts incline the most +favorable way, for I have some two hundred dollars of my own, as +well as a horse and pig of such rare qualities that I already begin +to see the fortune they will bring to me." The major now continued +giving such a wonderful account of his animals as excited the +landlord's curiosity, and made him express a desire to see them. And +as nothing so pleased the major as to show his animals to every new +acquaintance, he doffed his uniform, and putting on his suit of +Uxbridge satinet, which rather increased the rotundity of his +figure, sallied forth to the stable, and there found old Battle +quietly eating hay in the stalls, and the pig fast locked up in his +cage. A groom led the limping animal out, and as he hobbled along +the floor, a perfect Bucephalus in the major's eyes, the landlord +could not comprehend how so sensible a gentleman could become so +infatuated with a horse that was as lean as a lantern, unless he be +a knave. But notwithstanding the miserable plight he was in, he soon +began to raise his head and tail, evidently out of regard at seeing +his master, and gave out such other signs of what there was in him, +as convinced the landlord he was a horse of some metal, though he +would not bring an eagle in the market. And here the major commenced +to give an account of the many adventures he had performed with this +noble animal, when the landlord interposed by saying, "I admire your +enthusiasm, major, but as I have no love for practical jokes, you +may put your frame in the stalls, for he will need all the care you +can bestow upon him." + +"Pray, sir, reserve your anger, for you have not had time to fully +comprehend his many good qualities," replied the major, not a little +grieved at the landlord's remarks. + +He next visited his pig, who rose quickly to his feet, and commenced +making signs of friendship to his master. "This pig, I assure you, +sir," said the major, "was brought up in the care of the clergy, was +the lead pig of one Felix Shulbert, a poor parson, who on losing his +church took to the business of swine driving." The landlord was much +amused at the simplicity with which the major related the history of +this wonderful pig, who now came jumping out of his cage, to the +great delight of numerous bystanders, and cut up so many queer +pranks that they were ready to swear him possessed of the devil. He +would run to the major on hearing his name called; he would turn +somersets; he would walk on his hinder feet; he would point with his +nose to any letter of the alphabet he was commanded; and, no doubt, +with a little more training, he could have delved the mysteries of +destiny with a facility that neither medium nor clairvoyant could +have excelled. If, then, the lookers on were at first delighted, +they now stood amazed, and declared that so sensible an animal had +never before been brought to the city. "I have been told, sir," said +the major with an air of self-satisfaction, "that you have in your +city one Barnum, a man of much note, who is reputed to have become +rich of dealing in deformed monstrosities, and though an honest man +enough as the world goes, has had a strange history written of +himself. And this history, I am told, has been much praised by the +critics, though truly it is nothing but a tissue of certain +deceptions practiced upon a credulous public-" + +"You are right, there," interrupted the landlord; "he has made fools +of so many of his fellows, that his imitators regard his tricks as +so many virtues, which the public are ready to applaud. But as your +pig is truly a wonder, you will do well to get him in the hands of +this clever gentleman, for then his fame will be blown trumpet +tongued over the land, people will rush to see him, and the critics, +being well paid, will write all sorts of things of his talents. You +may then let the devil take the rest, which is the way the world +goes." + +And while they were thus conversing, this clever man stalked in, +much to the surprise of every one present, though it was said of +him, that he could smell a monstrosity at the distance of a hundred +miles. After fixing his scrutinizing eye upon the animal, and +witnessing several of his tricks, which he performed with great +agility, he commenced casting reflections upon his performances, +saying he had talent enough, but it was of so crude a kind, that he +would require no end of practice before it would do to bring him +before a discriminating audience. As for the critics, it was no hard +matter to keep them right; but it might give rise to a question at +the Press Club, that would seriously endanger its harmony. He, +however, began to inquire what the major thought about terms. To use +a vulgarism very common at this day, he began to "pump him," in +regard to the value of the animal's services. And here I must leave +him for the present. + + + + + + +CHAPTER XXX. + +WHICH TREATS OF HOW THE MAJOR RECEIVED THE CALLS OF DISTINGUISHED +PERSONS, AND HOW HE DISCOVERED THE OBJECT OF HIS MISSION. + + + + + +THE landlord enjoined the major, when they returned to the hotel, +not to think so much of his horse, for he could not render much +service to a military man. As for the pig, he could be depended upon +as a source of revenue in case of need, which quite satisfied him on +the matter of his bill. + +The major spent the rest of the morning in receiving calls, for +divers distinguished persons had read his speech in the newspapers, +and were eager to pay homage to one of such rare gifts. Among them +were prominent members of the Chamber of Commerce, who intimated +that he might condescend to make them a speech from the Exchange +steps, on the affairs of the nation; members of the Board of +Brokers; citizens distinguished for their bountiful charities; +members of the Union Club, who suggested that they would propose him +for a member; members of the New York Club, who knew he would like +to become a member of their body, which consisted of distinguished +persons only, and kept the best imported wines and cigars. A person +of lean visage, who constituted himself a delegate from the Century +Club, begged to inform the major that the club was composed of poor +but very respectable literary persons, who eschewed liquors and +cigars, and were about introducing a by-law for the admission of +ladies, which it was hoped would prove a regulator to the good +conduct of all aspiring youths. The club, he knew, would be most +happy to make him a member. A delegation from the Knickerbocker +represented their club as the most cosy place imaginable; as for the +members, they had so strong a turn for literature, that they had +elected a grocer for president, and an actor for secretary. A visit +from him would indeed be held as a high honor; and as it was +strictly forbidden that any member discover inebriation before ten +o'clock, he could not fail of spending a cheerful hour with them. + +Each brought some such powerful argument to sustain their +comparative claims to his favorable consideration. He also received +invitations to visit various factories, and become a member of +certain charitable societies for the taking care of widows and +orphans, and poor authors with large families. In truth, one might +have thought they imagined him a man capable of conquering the world +with thirty thousand troops, such was the plentiful pile of +invitations spread over his table. Even Hall wrote to say faro was +played on the square at his establishment, which was visited by none +but gentlemen of fashion and circumstance. Mrs. Wise, too, intimated +in one of the most delicately perfumed billets, that her soirees +were the most select in the city, and if so distinguished a major +would honor her with a call, she would guarantee the rest. + +The major had much to say to all who visited him; and though they +listened with particular attention, there was something so strange +about him, that, notwithstanding they would, in the coolness of +their judgment, have set him down for an insane man, they could not +reconcile such a condition of mind with the masterly speech in the +morning papers. They were also much disappointed at his appearance, +for he resembled more a corsair, or a pirate, than a great +politician. And as his coat was threadbare, and his hair short +cropped, many thought him a man who could better maintain his +dignity at a distance, though heaven might send him fortune and +earth give him bounties. But as neither the man of commerce nor the +man of letters were capable of fully appreciating a military genius, +who found his reward in buffets and hardships, and frequently wore +the tattered garments in which he had gained his laurels, it was not +to be expected that his preeminence would be recognized at first +sight by any but his companions in arms. Hence he found +inexpressible pleasure in the calls of several persons, who, though +they had never smelled the perfumery of war, took great delight in +the appellation of generals. One of these was as great a general as +New York was capable of producing, and set much value upon his +valor, though the only columns he was known to have led to battle, +were those of a ponderous newspaper, in which was carefully +preserved all the spice and essence of a wonderful warrior. He could +write destructive three column articles with perfect ease, gave +extensive tea parties to very respectable ladies, had an opinion +ready on all great questions, could get up his choler or his pistol +at the shortest notice, could lay his magnificent pistol away as +quietly as any other man when the occasion for it was over; and he +could, if the nation would only spare him, govern the world with the +same refreshing coolness that he could sip chocolate at Lord +Twaddlepole's table, which was a high honor with him. If, I say, +this good man and excellent general had a weakness, it was for +exhibiting his nakedness with all the embroidery, and for letting +mankind in general know that he had joined the church, which latter +was well enough, seeing that it atoned for numerous bygone +backslidings. And as he stood in his boots, nearly two feet taller +than the major, it was curious to witness the elongation of the +little, rotund figure that stood bowing before him. "I see, sir," +spoke the general, whose name was Toadytrip, "that you are a +soldier, and belong to the noble profession, in which I flatter +myself I have obtained distinction, though it has fallen short of my +expectations." + +The major received the general with becoming courtesy, and after +expressing his gratification at meeting so famous a companion in +arms, inquired as to the wars he had fought in, and what number of +scars he had received. + +Toadytrip fussed himself into a state of very general self +sufficiency, and was at first not a little embarrassed; but at +length he replied, that though he had never been in battle, he was +ready to serve him with meal or metal in any of his undertakings. +They now shook hands, and strengthened their friendship over a +little brandy, for the general was an advocate of temperance only +when it applied to others. + +"You must know, sir," said the major, "that I am no scurvy fellow, +but a man who has stood the devil knows how much buffeting in +politics. I have made eight and twenty speeches, sir, in a month; +and it was said of me that no man could better them. And if you +would know more of my doings, please refer to my companions in the +Mexican War." + +"Your fame makes that unnecessary. To-morrow I give a tea party, and +among the rest of my guests I expect a bishop and a nobleman, who is +traveling over the country. They are both honest men, and as jolly +fellows as can be found in the land. Honor us with your company, +sir, and I warrant you entertainment of no common kind; for there +will not be one of the lower order among my guests, and the high +promotion you have obtained must, I am sure, be the result of many +battles, which my friends will be delighted to hear an account of." +The major was delighted with the compliment, but, as will hereafter +be shown, was not in a condition to honor the general's tea party +with his presence. And the general, having expressed his +gratification at this meeting, took his departure, with many bows +and assurances of friendship. When he was gone, there came several +equally great generals and colonels, though editors of smaller +newspapers; several of these promised him the support of their +columns in any great undertaking he might embark in. This was +especially so with the editors of the Celt, and the Irish Citizen, +both of which gentlemen only asked that he would give them a pledge +not to form an alliance with the English. In addition to this, they +discovered a strong inclination for what was in the bottle, of which +the major gave them to drink, and sent them home happy. + +It being now two o'clock, the major ordered a black bombazine frock +coat from Wyman's, and the committee of reception having arrived +with a carriage, he immediately entered it, and was rolled away for +the City Hall, where he was received with much pomp and ceremony by +Don Fernando, who embraced the opportunity to make a speech, such +as, he fancied, Demosthenes never excelled. And the major replied +with his customary rhodomontade. Both considered the event an +extraordinary one, auguring greater things to themselves. It must, +in truth, be said of Don Fernando, that he could receive guests with +a courtliness truly wonderful. I have not, however, thought it +necessary to record his speech here, inasmuch as it bore a strong +resemblance to such as may daily be found in the morning papers. + +When they had sufficiently exchanged compliments, Don Fernando took +great pains to show the major several objects of greatest interest +in the Hall, among which was his corpulent chief of police, and a +little man of the name of Sampson Queerquirk, who was his lawyer and +factotum. He then took him by the arm, and they sallied out into a +great hall, the walls of which were hung with portraits of mayors +and other great men. Indeed it seemed as if it were a malady with +mayors to admire their own portraits. The small modicum of vanity +which slumbered in Don Fernando's bosom quickly took fire, and +deeming it the height of discretion not to overlook any thing that +might be of deep interest to so great a visitor, he pleasantly +added, that a portrait of himself would soon enhance the splendors +of the gallery. + +And in order to give more perfection to the reception, and to make +it in every way worthy of so great a politician, he had his troop of +worthy policemen drawn up in front of the City Hall, where they +performed a series of marches and counter-marches with such +wonderful precision, that Don Fernando offered to wager a thousand +acres of land in California that a more orderly body of men was not +to be found. The major expressed himself delighted with what he saw +of them. "Indeed, sir," said he, "I am pleased to see that they +carry their clubs like men accustomed to a mighty master. And let +malicious scribblers say what they will of them, I make no doubt +they will either keep or break the peace at your bidding." At this +Don Fernando blushed, but was cautious not to whisper a word about +their agility for smashing skulls, and sleeping at street corners, +which was truly wonderful. + +The major returned thanks for the high honor paid him, and taking +leave of Don Fernando, with many assurances of esteem for his great +administrative abilities, repaired to his carriage, and returned to +the hotel, where he met with a misfortune, the quality of which will +be related in the next chapter. + + + + + + +CHAPTER XXXI. + +RELATING TO THE APPEARANCE OF AN UNEXPECTED CHARACTER, WHICH +GRIEVOUSLY DISTURBED THE MAJOR'S EQUANIMITY. + + + + + +As the major entered the great entrance to the St. Nicholas, a well +dressed man of medium size advanced toward him, somewhat nervously, +and fixing a quick, suspicious eye upon him, whispered in his ear +something that caused him to turn pale. Indeed, he seemed confused +and bewildered. Seeing that he had "private" business with the +major, the honorable gentlemen of this reception committee, with +becoming discretion, quietly took their departure. "If you please, +sir," said the man, "there is a little matter of business-these are +delicate matters; but you see, sir, (and I make it as delicate as my +duty will admit,) I treat every one whose acquaintance I make in +this way with indulgence, and more especially men of your standing." + +Here the man timorously commenced drawing an ominous looking +document from his coat pocket, but the major interrupted, by +touching him on the arm, and saying, in a whisper, "As you are a man +of discretion, pray deal with me like a gentleman, and just come up +stairs; for I would have you be cautious how you let your business +out." + +The man touched his hat, and followed at a respectful distance, and +soon both disappeared into the major's parlor. + +"Don't allow yourself to have any fears, sir; for I pledge you no +one will know my business. I may say, for I see you are nervous, +that I pay so many little attentions here, and to politicians, +though not so great as yourself, that most folks fancy me a guest of +the house." The man smiled, and was in no way displeased when he saw +the major feeling for a bottle with something in it. After finding +one, he held it before his eye: + +"And now, sir," said he, "hoping to find you the gentleman I take +you for, when you have quaffed a drop of this, which will no doubt +do you good, pray tell me what the matter is, and who it is that +seeks to take advantage of me?" + +"Astor House," replied the man, dryly. "The proprietors are as good, +generous fellows as can be found; but they have a way of wanting +their own. They direct me to treat you as becomes a gentleman. And +now, sir, my name is Tom Flanders; and if you will say how you +propose to settle this little affair?" + +The major tossed and scratched his head, hitched up his breeches, +and seemed to have rolled his thoughts into a state of deep study, +in which he remained until the visitor's patience was well nigh worn +out. + +"My time, if you please to consider it," replied the man, "is +money!" Here he read the writ, and the affidavit affixed thereto. + +"Upon my soul," the major replied, drawing his chair nearer the man, +and extending his hand, "we can settle this affair, and be the best +of friends! It's an old stick, but that does not matter; and you +have said the truth of those gentlemen of the Astor, whose courtesy +it was not right of me to forget, though they did me the honor, when +a guest at their house, to say it might suit my position and economy +better to take private board." + +"It's only one hundred and thirty-seven dollars and costs. The +interest, they were good enough to say, should be thrown in, which +is something," muttered the man. + +There was Mr. Councilman Dinnis Finnigan, alias Greeley Hanniford, +who had "done him out" of the money intended for this very bill. +Perhaps, thought the major, having come councilman, he will feel +like making me an atonement, who knows? "Upon my reputation, sir, I +have hit, (yes, I have,) I have hit on a way of settling this little +matter between us!" said he, with an air of exultation. "There is +one Councilman Finnigan, who not many years ago, (I say it in +confidence,) and when he was an honest Quaker, and went by the name +of Greeley Hanniford, did very unkindly do me out of all my money. +Only the other day I jogged his memory concerning this matter, and +if he is come an honest man, he will consider my needs. And seeing +that the city, in reward for his past deeds, has made him one of its +happy fathers, I take it he has straightened his morals, and become +a good christian." + +The major here paused, and then inquired of the official if he would +condescend to accompany him to the residence of Councilman Finnigan. +The officer, in return immediately declared his readiness to proceed +with him; at the same time begged to remind him that the journey +would be to no purpose; for though the city fathers were fond enough +of the city pie, and always made out to keep their fingers in it, +they took good care no one else got a sop of the sauce. As to +expecting justice of Councilman Finnigan for a past wrong, it was as +well to look for gold on Barren Island. They, however, proceeded +together to the house of the councilman, and on finding him at home +immediately communicated their business, to his great surprise. In +truth, the high official immediately began to plead his poverty; and +though he would not hear a word concerning the little affair of the +pocket book, honestly confessed that he had more than once had it in +contemplation to watch a good opportunity, and ask the favor of a +small loan, which he stood much in need of to pay his score at the +Pewter Mug. + +I ought to mention that the councilman treated the victim of his +early pranks with much consideration, and after discoursing some +time upon the inconveniences of his attendant poverty, took down his +whiskey, which he said was an indifferent drink to offer so great a +politician, but the best his means would afford. And as it was a +drink much in favor with Father Fogarty, who was a priest of great +learning, and no renegade, as he had been called by the Herald and +Tribune, he hoped he would excuse the rest. + +He then explained to him how it was that the city fathers were +proverbially poor. It was all, he said, owing to the parsimony of +the old comptroller, who, when they felt inclined to be liberal to +one another, set himself up for an inquisition. And after expressing +his warmest sympathy for the major's misfortunes, referred him to +Alderman Dan Dooley, who was a great discounter of notes, and did a +favor for a friend now and then, especially when there was a large +return and no uncertainty. The major and his official friend +repaired without delay to the alderman's house. But that gentleman +only had a thousand and one regrets to offer. Nor could Mr. +Councilman Blennerhasset, who represented his distresses as quite +enough for any poor gentleman to manage, render him any material +relief; though the truth of the matter was, that he was up for +Congress, and required all his surplus to purchase votes. The major +now began to discern the complexion of his friends, and set to work +thanking heaven for the mercy of his deliverance from them. In +short, he now felt like a christian captive kicked by an ass; and as +the official began to evince considerable uneasiness, and speak of +the value of his time, the major declared his wits at fault. It +however came suddenly into his head that he would straightway go to +the Astor, and plead his case with the landlord, who being a man of +sympathy, and a christian, would not hear his prayer in vain. +Indeed, he felt it a courtesy due from him, for he remembered how +kindly the host took the disclosure of the misfortune that had made +him a sufferer, which was proof of a man of tender heart. He now +communicated his intention to the official, who begged him to +remember how far his indulgence had already extended. "You see, +sir," said he, "we hold it right to perform favors as bountifully as +circumstances will permit; but unless we get something in return our +children would go naked." The major now discovered the inclinations +of the man, and enjoining him to be comforted, slipped a piece of +gold into his hand. And this quickly proved that such medicine went +to the right place, and was a sure panacea with officials for the +ills of impatience. Indeed, so ready was the official to serve him, +when this medicine had taken effect, that in addition to being +purged of all his impatience, I verily believe he would have +accompanied the major to the devil, (if his inclinations had taken a +turn that way,) so great was his condescension and readiness to +serve him. + +They now proceeded to the Astor, where they found the landlord in +his usual good humor, and so glad to see the major that, after +shaking him heartily by the hand, he would fain enter his name upon +the register as a guest at his house. "It is many years since we +met, sir, and fortune, though it has given me no money, has done +something for us both," said the major, when they had sufficiently +exchanged compliments. + +"Truly, I am glad to see you looking so well, major; as for the +money, pray do what you can for us; for our house has been a place +of comfort for military men and politicians. And I know you will +take no offence when I say that 'no money' is the cry with which +they raise their voices to us." + +"Upon my soul, sir," interrupted the major, swaying his shoulders, +"it is not becoming of them to do so with a man of your generosity." + +"You have my thanks," rejoined the landlord, with a smile. "I may +say, we wish our guests well, and do cheerfully what we can to make +the voyage of life pleasant." And while they were thus addressing +one another, and endeavoring to outdo in compliments, the official +took up his position a few paces aside, and amused himself by +twirling on his heel. + +"Indulgence well directed, sir," resumed the major, looking askance +at the landlord, "produces wonderful effects. And, sir, if you will +just please to bestow it in this instance, it will settle the little +matter between us, and preserve our friendship. I confess, being a +straightforward, honest man, that too many years have passed since +your great generosity permitted me to become your debtor. But such, +sir, is the condition of my financial affairs, that though I have +popularity enough for any politician, I swear by my military +reputation that I have not now a dollar in my pocket, and as my +wife, Polly Potter, used to say, you can't get butter out of a pine +tree." + +"I assure you, sir," rejoined the landlord, "it was not our +intention to give you trouble, and so quiet your apprehensions." + +"And now, sir," exclaimed the major, grasping the landlord warmly by +the hand, "I see you are a philosopher; for though you might lock +me up, (being your property in law,) and cause my wife Polly to +bewail my fate, you would also lock up my prospects, which are your +hopes. Remember, sir, I am a soldier who has fought many battles, +and have scars enough to satisfy any man that I am an honorable +gentleman. And I would have you consider, sir, that several of my +friends, (and they are no small men,) have said it might do to try +me in the next presidential contest. And as you are a discreet man, +pray keep before your eyes how easy it would be with a salary of +twenty-five thousand dollars and the edgings, to shuffle off such a +trifle. Consider it well, sir, and you will not let your anxiety +interfere with my prospects, since I am now a man of mark, and shall +at least get a foreign mission, for the vast services I have +rendered the party. And I will share the income with you, if my +children go supperless to bed." The major continued in this manner, +pleading his poverty with the landlord, until he so excited the +goodness of his heart, that he not only regretted having resorted to +law, but actually dispatched the official to his attorney with +orders to forthwith stay proceedings. He also accepted the major's +word of honor for the forthcoming of all demands; and, indeed, would +not be content until he had dined at his house, and recounted the +many deeds of valor he had performed while in Mexico, which he did +over a bottle of old Madeira. + + + + + + +CHAPTER XXXII. + +WHICH DESCRIBES WHAT TOOK PLACE WHEN THE MAJOR RETURNED TO THE SAINT +NICHOLAS; WITH AN ACCOUNT OF HOW HE GOT INTO DEBT AT THE ASTOR, AND +VARIOUS OTHER THINGS. + + + + + +IT was early evening when the major came exultingly into his parlor +at the Saint Nicholas, and after quenching his thirst in a nicely +mixed beverage, for the day was excessively warm, said: "And now, +young man, I own I have not done much for you yet; but you must not +be discomfited, for there is a good time ahead, and I begin to +esteem myself no small diplomatist. Indeed, if you had seen how I +accommodated myself to that affair with the Astor, which threatened +to overthrow all my prospects to-day, you would have seen, sir, that +I am not a man to build castles in the air. No, sir, I hold the +advantage gained over the host of the Astor in the light of a +victory gained over my enemies. And though my private affairs are +somewhat loose in the joints, what matters it, so long as I stand +square in the public eye? Private affairs are private affairs, and I +hold it good philosophy that they have nothing to do with a public +man and his usefulness." + +The major here commenced to recount, taking considerable credit to +himself as a diplomatist, how he got the advantage of the landlord. + +"I pleaded my poverty while keeping my prospective riches before his +eyes," said he; "and as he was as scrupulous of his character for +generosity as he was of the reputation of his house, I was careful +to enhance the opportunity of flattering both those weaknesses. I +also said, by way of perfecting the thing, that when in the capacity +of foreign minister, I had agreed to correspond with the Courier and +Enquirer, which, notwithstanding it was an almost pious newspaper, +and edited by not less than two famous generals, and the grandson of +a most worthy bishop, who was a poetaster, as well as a man of so +much fashion that he had gained an enviable celerity for writing +sonnets and eulogistic essays in admiration of fair but very faulty +actresses; being the prospective correspondent of this almost pious +newspaper, I consoled the landlord with a promise to write numerous +puffs of his house. My point is carried, and if they like not my +articles, as the critics say, they will at least give me credit for +astuteness, for the man who succeeds is the man in these days!" + +"And now, sir," said I, "remember that you promised, as we were +journeying over the road to Barnstable, to renew the history of your +first adventure in New York, in which you were interrupted by the +mischievous boys." And as nothing so much pleased him as to relate +his misfortunes at that time, he went straight into a rhapsody of +joy, fretted his beard, looked quizzically out of his eyes, and +said: + +"I have it, sir! I have the exact place. I was, as I am now, on my +way to Washington, in the hope of getting a reward for the services +I had rendered the party; but having lost all my money by one of +these pranks which the gentry of New York practice, and which Mr. +Councilman Finnigan, (I honor him in his present position,) is, no +doubt, skilled in, I had no means either to pay my landlord, or what +certainly was much more, to leave his premises. + +"Days and weeks I was a martyr to my doubts and fears, and ate the +good man's meat as if his finger was on my shoulder, and his eye on +my plate. Several times he suggested, in the most gentlemanly +manner, that it would be consulting economy for me to seek private +board. But I should like to see the man who could look a widow +landlady in the face, (unless he intended marrying one of her +daughters,) without a dollar in his pocket. I told the landlord as +much, but he only laughed, and said it was a thing very common at +this day. + +"I got up one morning, eat what little my anxiety would admit, went +and sat down upon a seat in the Park, and contemplated the +inclinations of the passers as they rushed by; fixed my eyes upon +the city hall clock, as it struck ten, and thought the policemen +cast an unusually sharp eye at me, as they sauntered by, and puzzled +my brain to find some means of relief, for I had just received a +letter from my wife, Polly, who was in a sad strait at home, which +added to the amount of my own misfortunes. And while I was musing in +this way, a street beggar appeared, and notwithstanding he was well +dressed, demanded alms; and when I told him I had none to give, he +set to cursing me right manfully, which was a custom with such +knaves, who imitated the city fathers in more ways than one. And as +if to show his contempt for one who had no alms to give, the knave +threw me a shilling, which he advised me to spend for the washing of +my linen, which he saw stood in much need of it. Remembering that I +was a politician, I felt mortified enough, and summoning what little +stock of courage I had left, I repaired to the hotel, resolved to be +manly, and ask the loan of twenty dollars or so, just to get me over +my difficulties-that is, to get out of the Astor and into humble +lodgings. Being at that time skilled in the art of making calf +brogans, necessity seemed pointing me to that as the only means of +retrieving my fortunes. + +"On entering the hotel, the landlord kindly pointed me to my +baggage, which he had brought down, having much need of his rooms, +and carefully set in the office. This put an end to our +acquaintance, as well as left me without courage enough to request +the loan I had contemplated. I own the whole thing was done with +much shrewdness, and was a decided improvement on being kicked into +the street. But though I was neither a rogue nor a highwayman, I +took up my valise and proceeded into the street, feeling like one +whose dignity was never to be restored to him. After wandering about +for some time, like one crazed with some religious phantasy, I found +myself in front of a little house on Greene Street, with a paper on +the walls, setting forth that lodgings were to be had within. I was +in a mood to find comfort any where, so knocked at the shabby little +door, and was admitted by a negro wench of great fatness, into a +greasy little entry, from whence I was shown into a dingy parlor, +crowded with well worn furniture. The mistress of the house, the +negress said, would soon be home; and pointing me to some books that +stood upon a dusty table, and interposed between a dilapidated sofa +and an old fashioned tˆte-…-tˆte, bid me amuse myself. Then she gave +me a broken fan, and seemed very generally anxious to make me +comfortable. I took a seat in a dyspeptic arm chair, that kept up a +curious clicking, and after waiting for some time, perplexed a +little at first, consoled myself that others had troubles, perhaps +worse than mine. Then I dropped into a nap, and forgot all my cares +until the door bell tinkled, and I awoke, feeling sure the mistress +of the house was arrived; but it turned out to be the boy with the +Evening Post, a journal I always admired for its admirable morals. +Indeed I may say I regard it an excellent journal to read in an hour +of distress, its philosophy being soothingly profound. I seized the +paper, and read from outside to inside, until my courage was quite +restored, and I began humming an air which sent me into the happiest +of moods. + +"Presently my eye caught a portrait I fancied to be a likeness of +the landlady, hung with dusty crape upon the wall, and having the +appearance of a specter peering through the mist. I was curious to +see the quality of her beauty, and advancing toward it, parted the +crape in the center, and there beheld a face and bust of such +exquisite loveliness that I felt sure the rogue of a painter must, +in the outpouring of his love for the beautiful, have been trying +his skill at flattering the vanity of some damsel with a likeness of +Haidee. She had the bust of a Venus, and was dressed low enough in +the neck to admit full scope to the devil's fancies. Her face, too, +was so oval that nature could not have added one line more to its +perfection; while her complexion was of deep olive, made ravishing +by the carnatic flush of her cheeks. And she had what poets and lady +novelists call great Italian eyes, beaming lustrous of soul and +energy; and hair that floated in raven blackness over shoulders that +seemed chiseled. I began to think myself the happiest of men, for my +system had always a bit of poetic fire in it. And then these charms, +which had already begun to rob my heart of its peace, were made more +seductive by a calmly resolved and yet pensive expression of +countenance. Indeed, at a second glance, it seemed to approach +melancholy, and bespoke that frame of mind when sorrow feeds most +upon the heart. + +"I touched the frame, and instantly it fell to the floor, with a +great noise. And while in the midst of my confusion, a key clicked +in the door, and a lady of stately figure, dressed in deep mourning, +advanced into the parlor, and, being deeply veiled, took a seat upon +the sofa, quite like a stranger. I bowed and said, 'Madam, I am +waiting for the mistress of the house. You are on a similar errand, +I take it?' To which she replied in a voice of peculiar sweetness, +that she was the person, and would have me make known my business. +She then threw back one veil, and then another, until she discovered +a face even more beautiful than that of the portrait I had just +replaced on the wall. I must also mention that she seemed conscious +of her charms, for with an air of much grace and dignity, she raised +her jeweled fingers, so tapering, and smoothed the glossy black hair +over her polished brow, while the diamonds of her bracelets sparkled +through the white ruffles that hung from her wrists. + +"'My name, madam,' said I, 'is Major Roger Sherman Potter, commonly +called Major Roger Potter. I make no doubt you have heard of me, for +enough has been said of me in the newspapers. But I will say no more +of that just now, for it does not become a military man to speak of +himself." + +"'Your name, sir,' said she, condescending a bow and a smile, 'is +quite familiar. Indeed, if you will pardon it in me, I may say that +I have had great curiosity to see a gentleman so popular, for I was +raised and educated among distinguished people, and am fond of their +society, which I cannot now enjoy, since fortune has treated me +unkindly, and I am not what I was, as you may see by my humble +calling.' + +"I begged she would take the most favorable view of her prospects, +and at the same time not feel embarrassed. + +"'But tell me, sir,' she resumed, with a look of great earnestness, +'did you come on business for my first husband, Mr. Primrose?' + +"Not wishing to make her anxiety painful, (for I am not a man of +evil inclinations,) I discovered my business to her, but said +nothing of the state of my finances. + +"'You have my thanks for the condescension you have vouchsafed, +sir,' she replied, evidently much pleased at the prospect of so +famous a lodger; 'but I fear my lodgings are far too humble for one +of your position. They are small, and furnished according to my +scanty means.' + +"I at once told her that obscurity was my object, and that it was +enough that there was peace in the house, for I was engaged over a +mighty project, which I could not perfect with so many striving to +do me honor. If she was before pleased, she now became exultant, and +nimbly led the way up two pair of narrow stairs, entering more +freely into conversation, and saying the parlor was at my service +when company called. 'Now these are not large, but comfortable +rooms,' she continued, showing me into a little ten by twelve nook; +'I have six lodgers similarly situated, and they are all genteel +men, doing a large business.' She then began giving me an account of +their various business pursuits, which was so confused and +indefinite as to render it impossible clearly to understand whether +they were bankers, doctors, clergymen, or stock brokers. In truth, +by her own showing, they conversed of stocks, chips, sermons, and +splits, with equal facility. But there was something I could not +exactly understand, in the manner of her thanking God, that though +reduced to this humble style of living she was comfortable, and +expected soon to see the day when she would be restored to the rank +in society from which she had fallen. 'There was, as I am a lady,' +she added, with a look of sorrow shadowing her face, 'a time when +every button on my father's coat cost a dollar, and our family +servants all wore as nice liveries as could be seen in Fifth Avenue, +for we had them changed a number of times, until we got them unlike +any one else's.' She was evidently distressed with some past +trouble; and when I said, 'Madam, I will do myself the honor to +become an inmate of your house,' she seemed so overjoyed that it was +with difficulty she could withhold her tears. On inquiring her name +and what business her husband followed, she replied that her name +was Mrs. Pickle, (she having dropped Primrose for sufficient cause,) +and that of her husband, Mr. Stephen Pickle, of the young American +Banking House of Pickle, Prig, & Flutter, doing business near Wall +Street. We returned to the parlor, and when the valise bearing my +name, which I took good care to keep in sight, was sent up stairs, +and I had told her how the accident to her portrait was caused, she +blushed and was so ready to unbosom her griefs, that she immediately +proceeded to give me an account of herself, and how it was that she +was Mrs. Pickle and Mr. Primrose still living. + +"'Pardon me, sir,' said she, 'but as I know you think it strange +that I have adopted this humble calling, I will tell you in brief +how it happened. A change came over my father's fortunes, and from +being a rich and influential merchant, he was, by what is called +endorsing for others, reduced to a state of poverty, and so harassed +by his creditors, who in their grasping for what he had would give +him no chance to retrieve his fortunes, that he put an end to a +miserable existence by hanging himself. My father was a man of +simple tastes, and set a higher value upon his good name than upon +the worldly show which was coming into fashion at that time. With my +mother, it was quite different, for although she was much given to +the church, and subscribed largely for the support of an expensive +clergyman, she had a love of worldly show and ostentation, that not +only reduced my father's means, but grievously distressed him. The +sudden turn in our circumstances produced but little change in my +mother, who set great value upon the good looks she imagined me +possessing; and having some money of her own, we took board with +Mrs. Marmaduke, who kept a boarding house for people of distinction, +in Fifth Avenue, and was famous for the style and luxury of her +establishment, which had been the scene of several rich matrimonial +alliances. + +"'Having previously formed the acquaintance of a poor but +respectable young artist and poet, whose kindness and sincerity, as +well as the great love he bore his art, in which he had already +gained celebrity, so won my affections, that it seemed as if I could +be happy with none other. And when my mother discovered how our +inclinations were bent, she forbid him coming to the house. He had +no money, she said, and painters were, in addition to being very +generally fools, a shabby class of men, who were thought little of +among rich merchants, and never took rank in the aristocracy-at +least, not in this country. Putting these things together, she could +not think of giving her consent to an alliance with such a person. +In truth, sir, though my narrative may not interest you, I may +mention that she more than once declared that painters and poets +were such a shiftless set that they ought to be bundled into the sea +together. 'Think! Maria,' she would say, 'of a thing with a weasel +of dirty paints in his hands, and a bit of canvas, cut, may be, from +some old ship's sail, before him, and he trying to get some curious +notion upon it! A pretty person to go into society with, indeed!' +This did not deter me from my purpose, so we would meet in saloons +on Broadway, and exchange our affections, and concert measures for +our mutual relief. + +"'Matters proceeded in this way until Mr. Primrose and his friend, +Mr. Sparks, came to the house. They professed to be Englishmen of +wealth and station, educated at Oxford, and acquainted with enough +of the nobility to enable them to mix with our best society. +According to Mr. Sparks, his friend Mr. Primrose, to whom he paid +great deference, had riches enough to purchase a kingdom or two. Mr. +Primrose had a servant in livery, and arms painted on his carriage +door, and the fleetest of horses. My mother was much taken with him, +and Mrs. Marmaduke declared that a more perfect gentleman had never +graced her drawing rooms. He took them both to operas, and balls, +and sleigh rides. And he paid them such court as completely won +their confidence. In truth, they were both so enamored of him, that +they were singing his praises from morning till night. And when he +had sufficiently won them over to him, he commenced paying his +addresses to me, and so earnestly did he press his suit, that my +mother declared it would not do to protract so excellent a chance. +And notwithstanding my hand had been pledged to Milando, which was +the name of the young painter, my mother insisted, and our nuptials +were celebrated, though much against my will. It seems a report, +which my mother did not see fit to contradict, had got out that I +was the only heir to a large estate, which was the prize Mr. +Primrose sought to secure. In two short months the truth was +revealed. I had no dowry, which so disappointed him, that he began +to cast reflections on my poverty, adding that he had been deceived +by the false representations of my artful mother. This gave me so +much pain, that I sought relief for my distress in frequenter +interviews with Milando, who, seeing himself ill treated for his +poverty, resolved to quit a profession in which neglect and distrust +too often repay its votaries, and take to one that would at least +afford him money; which, according to the fashion of the day, was +the only passport into what was called good society. + +"'Mr. Sparks quarreled with Mr. Primrose, who was in arrears for +board with Mrs. Marmaduke, and let it out that he was only a knight +of the needle, who had formerly resided in Bermuda, which he left +for a cause it is not worth while to mention here, though he was +skillful enough at making breeches, and getting up odd liveries for +ambitious families. He was missing one morning, and as his friend +Sparks had taken the precaution to precede him, there were so many +inquiries for him at Mrs. Marmaduke's, that it soon became clear he +had left to escape the importunities of his creditors. In truth, he +was declared an impostor, and the whole affair got into the +newspapers, the editors of which set about ferreting out a few of +his exploits, when it was found that the deception practiced upon me +was only one among many, for he had gained a victory over the +affections of several widows, and left no less than three wives to +sorrow. And so skillfully were his exploits performed, that each +victim imagined him the most sincere and devoted of lovers. + +"'This sad occurrence, and its publicity, so mortified my mother, +who was harassed with debts she had contracted to keep up +appearances, that she survived it but a month. I was then left like +a hapless mariner tossed on a troubled sea, and with no friend near. +Mrs. Marmaduke made me a mere vassal in her house, and the inmates +treated me as if I were born to be scorned. Milando was my only +hope, my only true friend-the only one to whom I could confide my +heart achings, to whom I could look to save me from a life of shame, +to which remorse had almost driven me. And will you believe that he +invoked a curse, and resolved to leave his profession, (for he could +not live like those shabby men of the newspapers,) to seek means +whereby he could live without struggling in poverty and want. True, +the wealthy gave him orders for paintings, affected great love for +his art, of which they held themselves great patrons when they had +bought two pictures. But, as a general thing, they had most excuses +when he called, and were least ready to pay, which so tried his +proud spirit, that he more than once resigned the pictures to them +rather than be a supplicant for his pay. + +"'Necessity at last drove him to painting Venuses for keepers of bar +rooms, who regarded art only as a means to excite the baser passions +of the vulgar. And though he was by this enabled to meet the demands +on his purse, the thought of degrading an art to which he had given +the devotions of his life, grieved him to the heart. He therefore +resolved that, as he could not make it serve the high purpose for +which it was intended, he would abandon it. And when he changed his +profession, he changed his name. He is now Mr. Pickle of the firm I +have before mentioned. We were privately married under that name, +and have since lived as humble as you see us. When we have got money +enough, my husband will return to his profession. And now, sir, pray +adapt yourself to our humble mode of living, and remember that our +home is your home while you remain with us.'" + + + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIII. + +WHICH RELATES HOW THE MAJOR DROPPED THE TITLE OF MAJOR, AND TOOK +THAT OF GENERAL; ALSO, HOW HE JOINED THE YOUNG AMERICAN BANKING +HOUSE OF PICKLE, PRIG, & FLUTTER. + + + + + +"WHEN the lady had enlisted my sympathy by her narrative," continued +the major, "which she related in a voice so sweet and melodious that +I listened to her with unmixed pleasure, the door bell rang, and Mr. +Pickle, a man of straight person and medium height, entered. His +hair was black, and curled down his neck, which was symmetrical. +And, too, his face was singularly expressive, and his features +prominent. In a word, his appearance was prepossessing. And in +addition to dressing in the fashion of the day, he wore many jewels. +His bearing also was graceful; and on entering the room, he +addressed the lady with much courtesy, and called her Maria. She in +turn introduced him to me as her husband. And I must say he seemed +not a little surprised and confused at hearing my name, and inquired +a second time, if I was the Major Roger Potter, of whom so much had +been said in the newspapers? And when I satisfied him on that point, +he became so truly delighted that he immediately engaged me in +conversation concerning the state of the nation, about which he was +well read, and indeed knew so much, that I at once took him for a +politician. But he assured me he was not; and to farther satisfy me, +he commenced a description of the banking and other operations the +Young American Banking House of Pickle, Prig, & Flutter were engaged +in. They had an office near Wall Street, furnished with the finest +desks, carved in black walnut, and Brussels carpets, and stationery +of a quality sufficient to carry on an endless amount of diplomacy. +They had books showing their correspondence with various prominent +bankers in Europe-such as George Peabody, the Rothschilds, Overand, +Gurney, & Co., of London; and Monroe & Co., of Paris. They had cards +printed showing the most respectable references; they had +correspondents in all important towns over the Union, and towns they +had none in were not worthy of so distinguished a consideration. +They had gold mines in Peru and Mexico and California; silver mines +in Chili, and iron mines in Patagonia and Nova Scotia. As to copper +mines, they owned them here and there all the way from Lake Superior +to Cuba and Valparaiso. Indeed, they owned and were agents for such +an innumerable quantity of outlying property, that a country +gentleman, as I was, might have imagined them in possession of at +least one half of South America, and that the only one worth having. +In addition to this, they condescended at times to discount notes, +especially when it was a sure thing, and five per cent. a month was +a matter of no consequence with the holder. They drew bills, too, +and sold exchange on every city in Europe; and would have drawn on +Canton, had they been honored with a demand. In fine, there was not +a city from Constantinople to Oregon, in which they had not a +balance, and were prepared to draw upon. And I verily believe that, +had it been necessary, they would have had a Bedouin Arab for agent +in Egypt. The house now stood much in need of a little ready cash to +steady it on one side, and a prominent name (if coupled with a +military title, so much the better) to prop up its dignity on the +other. Indeed, I discovered from what Pickle said that the dignity +of the house had already begun to tottle a little, and needed a +steadying name and a steadying balance. + +"When we had taken supper together, he renewed the conversation, +which finally resulted in his saying that a person so popular as +myself was just such a one as they wanted for partner in their +house. Inquiring what I thought of the matter, he said he would +propose it to the firm, and to-morrow make me a proposal. He also +suggested, that if I would drop the Major, and assume the title of +General-a thing done every day by the greatest of politicians-the +effect would be equal to a large amount of capital. Generals stood +well in Wall Street; generals were excellent men (when endorsed by +bishops) to send abroad to effect loans; generals were capital +fellows to get well out of a financial collapse; in fact, generals +were just the men to get through any sort of difficulty. Society +bowed to a general; the people were charmed by a general; a general +was every thing to a Young American Banking House like that of +Pickle, Prig, & Flutter. No matter how visionary your scheme, you +had only to tie a general to it, and success was certain. If you +could buy up a newspaper or two, so much the better, for then the +general would appear as editor, and be prepared, as was the custom +of the day, to praise every scheme they were engaged in. I thought +the offer very kind of Mr. Pickle, since my affairs were in a +financial collapse; and on the following day met his partners, at +their banking house, which was an exceedingly stylish affair. The +result was, I became a partner in the concern-a silent partner, with +the name and title of General Roger Sherman Potter, Prig holding it +good policy to retain the Sherman, that being a name of great weight +in the banking world. + +"The consummation of this being announced in all the newspapers, it +was ordered that I occupy a seat in the office at an immense +mahogany desk, at least three hours a day. I was to have all the +daily papers duly filed at my hand, and to appear immersed in a pile +of correspondence, just received per various foreign arrivals. If a +customer strayed to me, I was to refer him to Flutter, who was the +polite man of the firm, and generally sat in an enclosure of highly +polished walnut railings, at a desk, upon which lay an enormous +ledger he was for ever footing up, and which he at times left with +great reluctance. Sometimes I was directed to refer the customer to +a foreign gentleman who sat demurely at a desk in a corner, engaged +in filling up foreign bills of exchange. In leaving unnoticed much +that the house did, I may mention that it soon got into an extensive +credit; for Flutter, who was a man of extremely good looks and +dress, kept two of the best looking and most expensive female +companions in Twenty-third Street, while Prig had a stud of seven +horses, not one of which could be beat at Harlem; and these +qualifications were excellent passports into the credit of the +banking world of Wall Street. In truth, Flutter would frequently +say, that the very hue and circumstance of their establishment was +such as to make an impression upon, and secure the confidence of, +the most flinty hearted banker; and as love of show was the malady +of the nation, you must make the plaster to suit. + +"Pickle was engaged most of the time in outdoor operations, and left +to Prig and Flutter the sole management of the exchanges. And both +being extremely generous men, and fast enough for any thing, they +soon made a large circle of friends, whose paper they were ready to +endorse out of sheer love. I had money enough for all my wants, and +began to think myself the happiest of men. It was also deemed +advisable, and for the advantage of the house, that I should go to +board at the Astor. So, rubbing out the old score, I left my humble +lodgings at Mrs. Pickle's, and returned to my old quarters, where, +on seeing the quality of my pocket, I soon got in high favor with +the landlord, and gave dinners to my friends. We went on swimmingly +for nearly a year, and the Young American Banking House of Pickle, +Prig, Flutter, & Co., it got rumored on the street, had been +wonderfully prosperous. I sent my wife, Polly Potter, enough to live +like a lady, and all the village began to say she was an excellent +person, and our children played with the children of the best of +them. One day, a short time after we had been drawing no end of +bills, and selling largely of foreign exchange, there came back upon +us such a large amount of returned paper as completely drove Flutter +out of sight, while Prig said he held it advisable not to be seen at +the counter. Twenty-four hours passed, and he also was not to be +found. Poor Pickle got nervous, and turned pale, and offered all the +excuses his ingenuity could invent to save himself from a cage with +bars. Curses came like thunder claps upon the head of the house, but +it was all to no effect. We had no balance in the bank, and cursing +money out of a dead banking house, it seemed to me, was as useless +an occupation as trying to get goods out of the custom house without +feeing an employ‚ of that very accommodating asylum for idlers and +rogues. The house thought it advisable to shut up, which it did by +posting a notice to that effect upon the door. For myself, I felt +like making my peace with my Maker, and enjoining him to send me +some less perplexing mission; for the thing got into the newspapers, +and we were held up to be a set of impostors, who deserved to be +well hanged. + +"And then Wall Street got into a strong frenzy, raised a cry of holy +horror that such miscreants had been suffered to pollute the +atmosphere of its righteousness; to preserve which its votaries were +ready to call in all the bishops and priests of the land; though not +a word was said of the many who had ransomed their backslidings with +the tears of widows they had induced to invest in divers schemes. +But to make the matter worse, it was found that Flutter, who was +skilled in caligraphy, and could imitate the signatures of others to +perfection, had raised a large amount of money on a species of +collateral that proved to be worthless, though excellent as +illustrating his skill in imitation. In truth, Flutter could +manufacture first class paper with a degree of perfection rarely +excelled. As neither Flutter nor Prig were to be found, and all +attempts to solve the mystery of their ancestry proved futile, poor +Pickle was arrested, called a miscreant, and all sorts of evil +names; but was declared innocent by a jury of his peers, though his +trial made a great noise, and there were enough unkind enough to say +he ought to get twenty-one years in the penitentiary. Sly +insinuations were also cast out about me; but they were coupled with +so much courtesy, that as I had made nothing by the concern, I +proceeded straight to the Astor, explained the state of my distress +to the landlord, who indulged his disappointment with a few regrets, +but at length said I ought to thank heaven it was no worse. He said +he would wait for the little affair between us, hoping that fortune +would so smile on me as to hasten the pay day. The Young American +Banking House of Pickle, Prig, Flutter, & Co., being at an end, I +held it prudent to give up my mission to Washington, (I had received +news that my chances were slender,) and get quickly and quietly to +my wife Polly, who at first thought I had come to take her and the +family to live among the fine folks of New York, and was sorely +grieved when the truth came out, but soon embraced me like a good +wife. And together we lived as happily as could be desired, (I made +calf brogans at twenty cents a pair,) until I went to the Mexican +War, where, by my merit and bravery, I soon won my way to +distinction." + + + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIV. + +WHICH DESCRIBES SEVERAL STRANGE INCIDENTS THAT TOOK PLACE, AND MUST +BE RECORDED, OR THE TRUTH OF THIS HISTORY MAY BE QUESTIONED. + + + + + +THE major concluded his narrative, but forgot to mention, that when +he returned home to his family, it was as plain Major Roger Potter-a +change he considered due to discretion, for the villagers were +extremely inquisitive, and might inquire by what process he was made +a general. And, as his military honor never failed him, so was it +brought into excellent use in gaining an advantage over the landlord +of the Astor. + +The night was now far advanced, and as we were about retiring to +bed, Barnum entered, and, after debating various subjects, the +conversation turned upon the wonderful pig, Duncan. The major swore +he would not part with him for his weight in gold, as he intended +soon to place him under the care of Doctor Easley, who would so +cultivate his knowledge of German and other languages, as to take +the critics by surprise, and cause them to get up a controversy +concerning his talents, which was a fashion with them. And, as +neither Easley could be embarrassed with his charge, nor the charge +be ashamed of his tutor, who contemplated himself the greatest +living critic after Macaulay, he would prosecute his studies with +every advantage to himself, since, when he was brought forward for +public favor, Easley could not abandon his pupil, and, being well +paid, would consider himself in duty bound to write divers +panegyrics in his praise. But Barnum, who was as shrewd as the +major, though, perhaps, not so great a knave, persisted that such a +course of instruction, and with such a tutor, could not fail to +prove a grave injury, since the pig's talents were valuable only +because they were natural, and the more wonderful on that account. +As to Easley, he was but a dilapidated priest, much given to such +tricks as were common with them, and, being employed by numerous +publishers, who held him in high esteem as a critic, thought it no +harm to write profound essays on the very trashy books of very +sentimental school girls of sixteen. Barnum continued in this strain +until he convinced the major that it would not be safe to place so +gifted an animal under instructions to so capricious a critic as +Easley, who would surely damage his morals, as well as his manners. + +He also declared that his dealings in monstrosities had got him into +numerous difficulties with editors and savans, which caused him to +contemplate giving it up, though he well knew the public appetite +for such things had not lessened a whit. And though the state of his +affairs were somewhat chronic, he thought, if he could get another +first class monstrosity, he could create an excitement that would +make his fortune, and send New York mad. He had thought of getting +up a clever imitation of the devil, which he was sure the public +would all rush to see, and had undertaken the enterprise, but that +he feared the editors would pick some flaw in him; for, though he +had made them a mermaid, and a wooly horse, they still complained of +his skill, and said he was not fit, when his friends suggested him +for President of the United States. + +I finally witnessed an agreement between this wonderful man and the +major, by which the latter was to engage Duncan to the former at ten +dollars a night, for ten nights, the engagement then to expire, and +be open to further negotiations, according to the degree of favor +then established between the animal and the public. And, as an +evidence of his faith in the pig's talent, Barnum declared the first +wonderful feat he intended to perfect him in, was that of sitting in +state and presiding over primary meetings; and no man of sound sense +would say he had not talent enough for the office. + +When, then, the bargain was completed, and the major had given an +order for the safe delivery of the pig into the hands of the +loquacious showman, he touched him on the arm, and said, with an air +of much sympathy, "Remember, sir, my affection for this animal makes +it not the easiest thing in the world for me to part with him. And +he was a great favorite with my wife Polly, who was so much attached +to him that she shed no few tears at his departure. Pray see well to +his behavior; and, as I take you for as good a Christian gentleman +as any of them, I would have you remember that he was brought up in +the care of the clergy, and can cut pranks enough if you let him +have his way, though, from what I have seen, I should judge he had +no love for the vulgar politics they delight to meddle with. Another +favor I have to ask is this-that you will not whisper the ownership, +lest the matter between us get to the ears of the editors, who would +make much of it to the damage of my reputation as a politician. +There is, also," he continued, in a whisper, "a little affair or two +outstanding, which might make it extremely inconvenient." + +No sooner had the showman taken his departure, than three +distinguished generals entered, saying they had come to pay their +respects to a fellow in arms, whom it was the pleasure of the city +to honor. Each approached him with great gravity of manner, and, +after shaking him warmly by the hand, presented him with sundry +congratulations in what are called neat and appropriate speeches. To +which the major replied, thanking heaven that with clean hands and +various gifts of the head, he had served his country like a man; +and, as his mission was not yet filled, he hoped (if the devil +interposed no obstacles) yet to render his country a service such as +historians would write of. He now bade them be seated, and ordered +an abundance of good wine, of which they partook without objection, +and were soon as merry a set of fellows as ever bivouacked; for in +truth they readily discovered the mental deficiencies of the major, +and, to make up for the deception of which they were made victims by +the newspapers, resolved to enjoy the diversion afforded them by the +quaintness of the major, who, though he had never put foot in +Mexico, at once inquired of them the brigade they belonged to, and +what service they had seen in that country. The spokesman of the +party, whose bearing bespoke him a man acquainted with arms, and who +was as great a wag as Tim Bobbin, immediately answered by saying +that they were in the hottest of the battles of Palo Alto, Resaca de +la Palma, Metamoras, and Buena Vista. And not to say too much of +their bravery, he might mention that they were within smell of the +gunpowder that stormed the heights of Cerro Gordo. Indeed, they were +in so many battles, and bore away so many scars, that it was +impossible to remember them all. + +"Faith, gentlemen, that is exactly the case with me," interrupted +the major, "for I was in so many, that if I had the memory of a +Sampson I could not keep them all at my tongue's end, though I +remember well enough what a buffeting we got at the storming of San +Juan de Ulloa. As to the brigade I was in, that's neither here nor +there; and whether it was the first or second will not be set down +against a man when he is dead. But if you will have proof that I +also was in the hottest of it, pray let your eyes not deceive you." +Here the major gave his head a significant toss, and waddled across +the floor to his wardrobe, from which he exultingly drew forth his +military coat and three cornered hat. The former was indeed an +ancient fabric, with which divers and sundry moths had made sad +havoc, though he held it before the light and swore, by not less +than three saints, the holes were all made by bullets. If either had +doubted this evidence of his valor, he was ready to strip to the +buff, and satisfy their eyes with the veritable scars. But they all +declared themselves satisfied that he had given sufficient proof of +his valor. Indeed, the odor that began to escape as he doffed his +coat, in earnest of his sincerity, was by no means pleasant, and +consequently hastened a favorable decision. + +The major was more than ever elated that the affair should have +taken such a pleasant turn, and bid them fill their glasses, which +they were glad enough to do, with renewals at such short intervals +that the major, who was not to be outdone in number of glasses, +providing his patriotism was pledged in them, found himself in a +state of mental configuration, for he saw ghosts and dead warriors +by the dozen, all of which he would have sworn, in a court of law, +were real flesh and blood. In fine, he capered about the room like a +madman, feeling at his side for his sword, and swearing, by his +military reputation, that he would think no more of killing them +than he would so many Washington lobby agents. + +Among these generals, there was a short, fat man, of the name of +Benthornham, who, with the exception that he was less pumpkin +bellied than the major, one might have supposed cast in the same +mould, for he was squint eyed, and had a red nose, in size and shape +very like a birch tree knot. Nor was he a whit behind the major in +tipping his glass; and though there was a review on the following +day, to which they had invited the major, out of sheer respect to +his fame, there was sufficient cause to apprehend that this General +Benthornham, (officer of the day though he was,) would not be sober +enough to appear. However, as they all boarded at the St. Nicholas, +one of the party suggested, that in order to pay becoming honor to +so distinguished a major, they invite him to General Benthornham's +room. And as the major never refused an invitation, especially when +it came from persons distinguished in the profession in which he +claimed to have won no small honors, he at once joined them, and +proceeded to the room aforesaid, where brandy and champagne, in +great abundance, were provided, and to which the major took with +such renewed avidity, that they began to think his bowels +vulcanized. + +After they had plied him sufficiently with liquor, they insisted +that he relate some of the wonderful exploits he had performed in +war and politics, which he did, and with such an appearance of +truth, that the two who had not so far drenched their senses with +liquor as to be incapable of judging, whispered to themselves that +he was not so much of a fool after all; in fact, that there was so +much truth in what he said, that no man could doubt his being a real +and not a sham hero of the Mexican War. "It does not become me to +speak of myself, gentlemen," said the major, in conclusion, "but if +there was a war in Mexico I was not in, it was not worth calling a +war; and as for politics, why I have made twenty-eight speeches in a +month, and you may learn of their quality by inquiring of the people +of Barnstable, who used to praise them enough, God knows." + +It being past midnight, the two sober generals withdrew, undecided +as to the major's mental qualities, and left him with General +Benthornham, whom he found no difficulty in soon talking into a +profound sleep. And this the major, who was not so far gone as to +forget what belonged to good manners, regarded as an indignity no +really great military man could suffer to pass unresented. He +thereupon mounted his three cornered hat and stalked out of the +room, in the hope of finding his own and going quietly to bed. But +such was the labyrinth of passages, that he lost his way, and +mistook for his own the bedroom of a fellow boarder, which was +natural enough considering the state of his optics. And though it +was an hour when every honest husband should be dividing his bed +with his better half, and all suspicions set at rest with the lock +on the door fast secured, the major found no difficulty in entering +this room, which he did with as little ceremony as he would drive +his tin wagon. But no sooner had he begun to doff his wardrobe, than +a figure quite resembling a ghost, with a pale, round face, and two +eyes of great luster, flamed in the crimped border of a very white +nightcap, rose up in the bed, and with an air of bewilderment, said, +"Charles, my dear, here it is almost morning, and you are but just +home. O, Charles!" + +"Please, my good woman," spoke the major, pausing, and looking +surprised at the strange object he fancied in his bed, "you might +find better business than this. You must know, I am a man of family, +and have a wife, which is enough for any honest man. So if you will +just take yourself away like an honest woman, as I would have every +one of your sex, I will say no more, for I have heard of these +tricks, and am not ready to be robbed of my character." + +The figure now gave sundry screams, which echoed and reechoed along +the passages, and brought not only the watchmen of the house, but a +dozen or more boarders, all in their night dresses, and nearly +frightened out of their wits, to the scene of distress. Several +courageous ladies, with threatening gestures, ventured to say he +ought to be well hanged, (the good for nothing fellow!) for +attempting such liberties at that hour. Others said military men +were all alike. + +"Hi! hi! what's here to do?" exclaimed the head watchman, a burly +fellow of forty, as he made his way through a barricade of night +gowns. "Come, sir, you must take yourself away from here. You have +insulted the lady; have intruded yourself where you have no right; +and if you get not away before her husband comes, he will cut you to +bits." ("He is a Georgian, and would rather have his wife dead than +another man make free with her," whispered a bystander, as the +watchman admonished the major by taking him by the arm.) + +The major, however, stood with his nether garments in his hands, +like one bewildered, muttering, as his eyes blinked in the bright +gas light, which one of the courageous females had ignited: "I would +have you know, ladies, that I am known for my gallantry, and am a +man who would share his meal any day with a lone female. And if you +will give me peace by taking this lady away, I will forgive her, and +beseech heaven to do the same. I may tell you that I am Major Roger +Sherman Potter, commonly called Major Roger Potter; but I say this +not of myself, for I take it you know me well enough." + +The distressed female now stood erect in her night robes, screeching +at the top of her voice, for she believed a madman had entered her +room, and went straight into a fit of hysterics, while the watchman +and numerous of the female bystanders gathered around the major, and +would have torn him to pieces, but for a clergyman, who suddenly +made his appearance, in his shirt and spectacles, and commenced +reading them a lesson on the qualities of mercy. + +But while the parson and one of the bystanders were offering all +sorts of apologies for the major, which were having their effect on +the females, who, on discovering the nature of the accident, enjoyed +the joke exceedingly, the husband of the lady, being informed of +what had occurred by one of the waiters, who knew the truant's +haunts at any hour, came rushing into the room, and without waiting +for an explanation, set upon the major with the fury of a goaded +tiger, and when he had belabored him with a cudgel until they all +declared there was not life enough in him to last till day light, +drew a knife, and had despatched him on the spot, but for General +Benthornham, who, being called upon to quell the outbreak, had armed +himself with his sword, and came toddling into the room in his shirt +and night cap, his soppy face and red nose made scarlet with +excitement, and presenting so sorry a figure that the courageous +females scampered away to their rooms, and covered their blushes +with the sheets. + +"Heavens!" exclaimed the general, resting the point of his sword on +the floor, "what's here to do?" In another moment he advanced +between the contestants, and with his sword struck the knife from +the uplifted hand of the Georgian, and commanded him to spare the +life at his mercy. "Pray, sir," said he, "don't forget to be +merciful, for he is a military gentleman of distinction, and I am +sure it was an accident you will readily forgive when it is +explained." The Georgian replied, that it had become a fashion with +military men to carry their gallantry a little too far with females, +and rather than regret the trouncing he had given the major, he +hoped the example would have its effect. + +The landlord now made his appearance, and seeing the city's guest in +such a plight, inquired into the cause, but could get no +satisfactory account of it; and being scrupulous of the reputation +of his house, he enjoined them to keep the affair as quiet as +possible, lest it get to the ear of the editors, who would take +great pride in using it to his damage. He then closed the door and +endeavored to raise the major to his feet, but he was so like a dead +man, and had lost so much good red blood, that the landlord became +seriously alarmed, and had a doctor, who boarded in his house, at +once called in. The doctor, when he had felt his pulse and ribs for +some time, said the case was a little doubtful, but he had skill +enough to mend it. Indeed, to tell the truth, it only required a +plaster or two, and a purgative, to restore him to perfect health. +When the major had gained the use of his tongue, however, he +declared he had at least seven broken ribs, and he knew not how many +cracks in his skull, for it felt like a fractured cocoanut. + +And while the doctor was administering his balms to the patient, the +Georgian was endeavoring to pacify his wife, who, with the aid of +hartshorn and sundry other restoratives, was in a fair way of +recovery. General Benthornham, in the meantime, continued to pace +the room, so much absorbed in his endeavor to preserve the peace of +the house, as to be unconscious of the figure he was cutting. + +"And now, gentlemen," said the general, in a foggy voice, "as the +lady has received no damage, either to her reputation or person, and +you are both gentlemen, I think the little affair can be reconciled, +if the major will but explain the mistake with as much delicacy as +he is capable of." + +"Indeed," replied the major, "I am sure the gentleman will be +satisfied that I meant no wrong to his lady, who I thought had got +into my room instead of my getting into her's, by mistake as it +turns out, when I tell him how it happened. The people where I was +raised know me for a peaceable man; and now that I have become a +politician, it behooves me to take care of what little character I +have, which is not the case with all of them. And God knows I +treated the lady with courtesy; for, rather than prove unfaithful to +my wife Polly, I bid her take herself away." The major said this in +such a tone of humility, that although it left the matter more +confounded in the Georgian's mind, it so affected his feelings that +he began to regret having dealt so severely with him, and earnestly +desired to know the origin of the affair, which the major at once +related with great simplicity of manner, and finally, laid all the +blame to the strength of the liquor he had indulged in during the +evening. General Benthornham had, in the meantime, taken a seat +where the bright glare of the gas shone full upon his face, and as +the major proceeded with his narrative, would every now and then +interpose an approving, "See that now!" + +When the major had finished his story, the lady was affected to +tears, and besought her husband to make the gentleman such amends as +the case demanded. But, indeed, that was unnecessary, for the +Georgian had become so affected that he would have gone upon his +knees and offered the major any apology he might in reason demand. +But the lady sprang to her feet, and saying she would dress the +injured man's wounds with her own hands, proceeded to her beaureau +and with her cologne bottle and sponge set about bathing his +temples, and performing such other little kindnesses as pleased the +major wonderfully, and made him declare he believed it the fate of +every truly great public man to suffer in this way. In truth, he was +not so sure that we appreciated it to the extent of its value, for +it disciplined a man and prepared his mind for meeting the great +things that were required of it in this world. "I have no fears of +my reputation, madam," he concluded, "but being the guest of the +city, I fear if my enemies see the bruised condition of my head, +they will say I have had a difficulty with an alderman." While they +were each trying to emulate the other in consoling the major in his +distress, the lady, who had just then discovered the singular plight +General Benthornham was in, caught sight of his bare extremities, +which so affected her that she shrieked, and swooned in the arms of +her husband. + + + + + + +CHAPTER XXXV. + +WHICH RELATES THE VERY UNMILITARY PREDICAMENT THE MAJOR WAS FOUND IN +ON THE FOLLOWING MORNING, WHEN HIS PRESENCE WAS EXPECTED AT THE +REVIEW. + + + + + +GENERAL BENTHORNHAM was every inch a gentleman, and though he had +what the vulgar call a very ugly conk nose, the ladies held him in +high favor, and doubtless had never seen him except in full uniform, +when he appeared to excellent advantage, for the point of his hat +aided to detract from the immensity of his nose. As soon, therefore, +as he saw the lady faint, and was made conscious of the cause, he +took to his heels, and scampered out of sight with the nimbleness of +a boy of fifteen, muttering apologies as he went, and saying to +himself, "Isn't this a pretty pickle for a military man of my age to +be in?" The Georgian was nevertheless inclined to treat this second +fainting effort of his wife with no great degree of sympathy, and +without further ceremony told her, while almost suffocating her with +hartshorn, not to make such a fool of herself, for it was the devil +who put bad thoughts into the heads of virtuous women. As to the +general, he was an old man, and had nothing about him a female of +good morals need fear. This suddenly brought her to her senses, when +she indulged in a few of those epithets females, however delicate, +will use when resolved to show their lords the length they may go in +asserting a priority of rights. In truth she threatened to pluck out +all her hair, which would have been a performance much to be +regretted, seeing that it floated over her shoulders like tresses of +silk, and was so luxuriant that a Delhian maid might have envied it. +She also cursed the hour she took him for her husband, saying his +night revels would be the death of her, and continuing in a strain +of execrations and wailings, (wishing herself back with her mother +an hundred times, and declaring her's the most wretched of lives,) +until he swore she gave him no peace of his life. + +The Georgian raised not his voice in anger again; but took the major +affectionately by the arm, and, moved by compassion, assisted him to +General Benthornham's room, where he strove to comfort him as best +he could; and as the night was excessively hot, they quenched their +thirst with a little brandy and water, over which they again +condoled one another for their misfortunes, and became the very best +of friends. The general then begged the Georgian to say to his lady +that he intended no affront and that his appearing before her in his +shirt was entirely owing to his presence of mind having forsaken +him. Bidding them good night, the Georgian promised to convey this +apology to his lady, and took his departure, as the two military +heroes went quietly to bed. + +General Benthornham's was a double bedded room, and when morning +came, and the numerous pet birds in the house were tuning their +notes, and stray members of the seventh regiment, in their dashing +uniforms, might be seen passing down Broadway to their armory, +anxious lest some rival corps rob them of their laurels, and as +proud of their feathers as the whistling canaries, the general and +his guest still slept, but in such a position, and with such loud +snoring, that had a stranger entered the room he would have sworn +they had gone to bed prepared for battle, expecting at day light, +(the time most fashionable for duel fighting,) to open fire and +seriously damage each other's most dependable parts. Verily, reader, +do not make me the object of your invective, when I say that it is +extremely doubtful if the public at large, to which I am ready at +all times to pay homage, ever saw a general officer in his native +buff. And this I hold to be the reason why it is so prone to +overrate the mightiness of some of those warriors who dash up +Broadway on parade days, decked out in such a profuseness of +feathers. Indeed it has come to my knowledge that the greatest of +generals, when presented with that natural uniform in which their +worthy mothers gave them to the world, are in no one particular +unlike other men, and in truth that it is the splendid uniform that +invests them with an appearance of great possessions and power, +before which even great poets and scholars are ready to cast their +offerings. Taking this view of the case, then, I pray you to give +ear while I relate how the general and the major were seen in a +position which I venture to assert few truly great military men were +ever seen in, either during war or peace. + +The beds in General Benthornham's room stood parallel with each +other, a narrow passage extending between. And, as I have before +stated that the weather was excessively warm, when the aid de camp, +a profusely feathered foreign gentleman, entered for the orders of +his chief, he found both heroes naked to the buff, with the broad +disc of their most dependable parts forming confronting batteries, +and their bodies making the letter C, very like snails after a +shower of rain. On the opposite sides were little tables, upon which +stood, within reach, bottles of congress water, decanters in which +the liquor had well nigh got to the bottom, and tumblers containing +the dregs of two very suggestive drinks called cocktails, all +provided at an early hour by a shrewd and very considerate waiter. +The aid was not a little abashed when he discovered the condition +his chief was in, and declared, in very good French, not a word of +which Benthornham could have understood had he been awake, that +although he had been aid to Garibaldi when he held possession of +Rome, and had served in numerous battles where he had to run for his +life, he never had seen general officers cut such figures, which he +would not have the brigade see for the world. Indeed, he thought +within himself that the sight was enough to have shocked either the +seventh or seventy-first regiments, both of which corps were +composed of young men of modesty and great respectability. The aid +touched his hat out of sheer respect to his sleeping superior, and +indeed saluted him according to the regulations of the service. But +as neither the general nor the major paid the slightest heed to +these courtesies and the aid was a man much given to paying all +deference to his superiors, he, without disturbing the general in +the least, drew up the sheet and laid it gently over him, as a means +of protecting his dignity from further damage. He also performed a +similar service for the major, who was snoring at a pace that can be +better imagined than described. + +When the aid had performed the little services above described, he +paced the room for several minutes, undecided as to the next course +he should pursue. He had fully expected to find his superior officer +in a different uniform, and ready to issue his orders as became a +man of so much circumstance. As to the city's guest, he expected to +find him at least a respectable gentleman, and one who would take +some care of his person. He at length thought it advisable to give +the general a few gentle shakes, in the hope of restoring him to +consciousness; but, so sound was his sleep, that it became neces- +sary to use violence before even a perceptible motion was produced. +After considerable effort, however, he turned upon his face with a +loud guffaw, and then upon his back. In fine, he put himself in +various strange attitudes, puffed like a porpoise in an head sea, +and began swearing as never general swore before, that the wretch +who disturbed him of his slumbers should suffer for it at court +martial. + +As the time for forming the brigade was near at hand, the aid very +naturally became more and more anxious. "Pardon me this liberty, +your honor," said he, addressing his superior, who was rubbing a +pair of swollen and very red eyes, "but the regiments are waiting +orders, and as the hour is late, the officers will be in much +suspense until they are issued." + +"Order them," replied the general, "to get to their families, keep +respectable for the rest of the day, and then let them defy the +devil with their good behavior, for it is not yet light, and in all +my military experience (and I have had more than most men) I never +heard of a general being called up at midnight to review troops. Get +ye away to them, sir, and if they be not content with this order, +tell them the fault's none of mine; for if the devil come, you must +not disturb my sleep." + +"It is my duty to carry your order, general," rejoined the colonel, +again touching his hat, "but I am sure it will not be obeyed, for I +have heard it said that the seventh regiment have a commendable fear +of the devil, and would rather have nothing to do with him." The +distinguished French gentleman was so puzzled at the conduct of his +superior officer, that he stood shrugging his shoulders, lifting his +mustache, and contorting his face into every imaginable expression. +At length he swore by Saint Peter, and one or two more of the +apostles, that if the general got not up in a trice, and issued his +order how to form the brigade, he would withdraw, report his +condition, and throw up his sword. + +"Stop, sir," said the general, "let not a disrespectful word pass +your lips, or I order you under arrest, and sent to the devil, which +is a good enough punishment for Frenchmen." The colonel was about to +withdraw; but the general again peremptorily ordered him to stop, +and, after some effort, succeeded in getting his legs over the side +of the bed, and his body in an upright position; and, when he had +gazed about the room confusedly, and fumbled about for his drawers, +he said to the officer, "And now, sir, I change my mind, do you do +this: first order me a waiter! and when you have done it, see that +he be not a simpleton, but a good, honest fellow, who will assist me +to put on my uniform without keeping his hand to my nose, expecting +it to drop shillings. Then get this sleeping gentleman you see here +awake, for he is a person of much consequence, and, being the guest +of the city, (which I say, seeing how much wind the fathers have +wasted over him,) and a major who has seen service in Mexico, it +will be of much importance that he go with us. Then, sinking the +rules of the service for a few minutes, you must join us in a +morning glass, which will do you no injury, for I see you are every +inch a soldier. Then, go straightway to the general of brigade, tell +him to let the bands play till they have cracked their cheeks, and +earned their money, which they will not do unless you tell them. And +as I have not seen much of this general of brigade's skill, and have +heard it said that his brains are in his boots, tell him that the +general in command orders him to form the brigade, which, if he have +sense enough, he can do while I am putting on my breeches." Here the +general's lower lip dropped, he cast a confused look first on the +floor then at the feathered Frenchman, and then began tugging away +at his drawers, until his nightcap fell to the floor, followed by +his wig and numerous imprecations, for he was vain of his looks, and +thought himself a man whom any lady of taste might take for husband +with credit to herself. "Then," he resumed, "say I order him to +march the brigade up Broadway, in platoon, to Union Square; and let +the bands ring out music that shall rend the very air, send the rich +of the city to wondering, and crowd the streets with ragged +vagabonds. And as I am a soldier, I take it when this is done no man +dare say the brigade is not made up of heroes, every man of them; if +he do, let him be bayoneted! Call a halt, when you reach the square, +and there stand till I come, which will be when I have my horse." +After listening with great attention to the general's commands, the +aid again saluted, notwithstanding his chief was in his shirt, and +then set about waking up the major, which he succeeded in doing +after very many violent shakes, and at length seizing him by the +shoulders and raising him bodily to his haunches, on which he sat +endeavoring to disenchant his eyes, like the moody josch of a +mandarin. The major then set to shouting at the top of his voice, +exclaiming sundry queer commands, and making such strange flourishes +with his hands as at first caused the Frenchman to take him for a +madman. + +It turned out, however, that he fancied himself mounted upon old +Battle, reviewing the Barnstable Invincibles, whom he was berating +right soundly for a set of stupid knaves. An invitation from the +general to join him and the aid in drinking a morning sweeper, +suddenly brought him to his understanding, and, after offering +numerous apologies for the distressed state of his person, said he +was not aware that the earliness of the hour prevented military men +and politicians from drinking one another's health, provided they +were of equal rank: he therefore begged the feathered Frenchman to +join him in drinking the health of General Benthornham, a gentleman +and a soldier; in fact, a man of whom the country was proud, for he +had seen wars enough to satisfy the ambition of any gentleman with a +military turn of mind. The general condescended a bow in return for +so flattering a compliment, and saying the best men were known by +their deeds, placed the glass to his lips and quaffed the mixture +with a wry face. + +The aid now took his departure, with orders to his general of +brigade; and a servant having appeared, the two distressed officers, +still suffering from the effect of the revel, ordered a light +breakfast of coffee, toast, and eggs, which, when they had quaffed +the congress water, they devoured like true heroes, the superior +officer being not a little surprised at the facility with which +Major Roger Potter used his fingers, and discoursed of his wife, +Polly's, skill in preparing good breakfasts. They then ordered their +horses, the major giving particular directions how to saddle old +Battle, to the end that he might carry a standing tail, which was +rare with him. He also directed that his own holsters be mounted, +for, though they were shabby in appearance, no soldier could fail to +see that they had seen a deal of service, and would admire them the +more for it. + +And now, gentle reader, lest you be deceived in either of my +military heroes, I will just mention, that the major retired to his +own room, and, having habited himself in his well worn uniform, +joined General Benthornham, who had also got himself into his +uniform, and taken up a position at the table, armed, not with his +sword, but a corpulent decanter, from which he was filling his +glass. The major never refused an invitation to join in a service +held so laudable by the profession, and filled his glass also. And +so strong was the beverage, that not many minutes had elapsed when +they found it extremely difficult to take a forward move without +oscillating from the line. As, however, the brigade was made up of +gentlemen, and not fighting soldiers, the general suddenly +remembered that it would not do to keep them waiting; and, taking +the major by the arm, they toddled (as if the floor were unsafe for +such good men to tread upon) down stairs, into the front hall, to +the no small delight of the numerous bystanders, who gave them all +the room required by their high positions. + +And now, when the grooms brought the horses to the door, they were +astonished that so famous a major should ride an animal so shattered +in his appearance, and also travel with a pig who could match the +devil in cutting up antics. They therefore stood viewing him with +intense anxiety; and, as old Battle had the spring halt in his near +hind leg, they were sure the major, when mounted, must cut a figure +rarely presented in Broadway. And among the grooms there was one Bob +Totten, a man born and reared in Barnstable, and who had, many years +ago, been a fellow cordwainer in the same shop with the major. +"Faith," said he, in a voice loud enough to be heard by several of +the bystanders, "it's old Roger Potter, or my eyes deceive me, and +he used to follow the trade of tin peddling." + +A group of ragged and vicious boys, attracted by the strange figure +cut by the major in his uniform, commenced dividing their jibes +between him and his horse, evincing not the slightest respect for +either. The question which should mount first was now mooted. The +major insisted that he would see his superior officer first in the +saddle; while the general argued, with equal plausibility, that +courtesy demanded that the major should mount first, he being the +guest of the city. They debated the point for some time; and at last +compromised the matter by agreeing to mount together. This +difficulty being settled, another of equal importance arose. + +"You have brought me another man's horse," said the general, in an +angry tone; "and if I am known for my horsemanship, I value myself +too much to be kicked off by a colt." + +"Faith, sir," replied the groom, "the horse is your own, and no +other man's; and a horse of steady enough habits he is, too." + +The general, however, continued to pronounce him a strange horse, +and refused to be convinced until he had applied his spectacles. + +And now, matters being arranged to their satisfaction, they mounted +amidst the shouts and screams of the boys; which was not to be +wondered at, for I venture to asset that young New York had never +before seen a major so strangely mounted. The noise and confusion, +however, was something old Battle was not accustomed to, for, though +he was an horse of uncommon good behavior, he now pricked up his +head and tail, and gave out such proofs of the youth that yet +remained in his bones, that it was with difficulty his rider could +manage him. The general, meanwhile, coursed up Broadway with the +lightness of a well mounted dragoon, turning in his saddle now and +then to ascertain what had become of the major, who, by dint of hard +labor, had got old Battle into a three-jog trot, and his head in the +right direction. The mischievous urchins, however, continued to +harass his rear, and so belabored his gambrels with whatever came to +hand, that he increased his pace wonderfully, and at the same time +made it so difficult for the major to keep his saddle that he +completely lost his temper, and swore he would ride over the whole +of them. But they ceased not to tease him; in truth, an urchin more +mischievous than the rest, lighted a bunch of fire crackers he had +tied to the end of a rod, and, with wicked intent, applied them to +old Battle's tail, so frightening him with the explosions that he +took to his heels and dashed up Broadway like a colt of three years, +spreading consternation among the promenaders, and causing numerous +timid people to seek shelter in doors. In truth, I very much doubt +whether John Gilpin ever frightened so many people, or caused so +many to look with astonishment. Onward he dashed, passing omnibuses +and other vehicles without number, (all of which made way for him,) +until he reached the New York Hotel, where he came up with the +general, whose horse took it into his head not to be outdone by so +shabby a charger, and, giving one or two springs, dashed up Broadway +with the fleetness of an Arabian filly. + +Scarce had the general's horse taken this strange freak into his +head, when old Battle stumbled, fell full length upon the pavement, +and launched the major head foremost to the ground some yards in +advance. "I give my soul to my Maker, for now my end has come," said +he, "and I forgive all my enemies." A groan followed this +exclamation, his limbs seemed seized with spasms, and then for +several minutes he remained speechless. With the assistance of two +policemen and several sympathizing gentlemen, he was carried into +the New York Hotel, where the landlord kindly provided for him, and +made him as comfortable as it was possible until he called in a +physician, one Miliano, who had great skill in mending battered +skulls, and restoring life to half dead persons. As for the +general's horse, he dashed on until he reached Union Square, where +he made a bolt into the thickest of the brigade, which he scattered +in such confusion and dismay that they looked neither to the right +nor the left, but, depending upon their heels to save their valuable +lives, ran into the nearest open doors, leaving their muskets to +whomsoever saw fit to carry them off. And when the horse had reached +the Everett House, he, in evident malice, threw the general over his +head upon the pavement, when several persons rushed out and picked +him up for dead; but, instead of being dead, he proved to be the +soberest of men, and when he was upon his feet ordered the bravest +man to go in pursuit of his horse, who was proceeding up Fourth +Avenue, a terror to all pedestrians. + + + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVI. + +WHICH RELATES HOW THE MAJOR WAS RESTORED TO CONSCIOUSNESS; AND OF +THE STORY OF AN ECCENTRIC CRITIC. + + + + + +LET me avail myself of your good nature, reader, for I am a man who +would not artfully conceal truth to the injury of a friend; but I +am, at the same time, conscious of the heavy penalty incurred in +speaking the honest, unembroidered truth of some of our well +tailored heroes, who open and shut like sunflowers under a vertical +sun, and present an excellent object to attract the admiration of +your fine ladies in Broadway. Heaven knows I appreciate the true +hero, and am ready to favor an honest purpose with a joyful heart; +but your political general of militia is a model of coxcombry, a +creature ready to faint when you want service of him, and the best +imposture known at this day. I, however, hold it not well to turn +the wheel too far against men who are harmlessly inclined, and in +whose marching and countermarching up Broadway (with the pomp and +circumstance of men about to face blood and flames) the juvenile and +other lighthearted portions of the community find an excellent fund +of amusement. Indeed, I remember that others may love what I have no +taste to appreciate; and that when fortune turns against me, which +is the case at this moment, I had better keep my thumbs out of my +neighbor's finger glass. Nor would I knowingly wound with my remarks +on General Benthornham's merits as an officer, the pride of one of +his many admirers. Suffice it to say, then, (as the learned Doctor +Easley would say,) that although his coat had received a rent or two +in the back, no sooner was his truant horse brought back to him than +he mounted with the daring of a book publisher, and, after evincing +no small desire to ride over the brigade a dozen times, and putting +it through a series of intricate evolutions, which the various +regiments forming it performed with great credit to themselves, he +ordered them dismissed and sent home, there to look well to their +good behavior during the rest of the day. And for this last and very +kind service, they thought him the bravest general history had any +account of. In accordance, then, with this parental admonition, they +betook themselves home, well fatigued, but as ready to fight as any +good men ought to be when satisfied that arms were necessary to the +maintenance of law; which, however much I may blush to acknowledge +it, was the case in Gotham, which was in sad disorder-not from any +bad spirit between its citizens, but merely the curious antics of a +very ambitious mayor. Having made an amende I hope will prove ample, +let us turn to the patient at the New York Hotel. + +Major Roger Potter, who I forgot to mention had been dubbed a +General on the preceding evening, lay in a state of stupor, though +with evident signs of life, for some hours. Being the guest of the +city, no little anxiety was evinced by the physician, who, after +exercising great skill in feeling for broken bones and cracks in his +skull, declared that he could find neither bruises nor broken bones; +but, if appearances were to be taken, he had received such internal +injury as must soon put an end to his usefulness in this world, and +send him to a better. He therefore got out his lancet, and, after +nearly draining his veins of blood, was about to apply a monster +plaster to his head, when the patient suddenly opened his eyes and +began to give out such extraordinary signs of life that the doctor +as suddenly changed his mind, and, laying aside the plaster, at once +declared he had the most sanguine hopes of his recovery. Meanwhile a +report got over the city that Major Roger Potter was thrown from his +horse, and lay a corpse at the New York Hotel. And the newspapers +added to this report by inserting the mournful event as a fact. +Indeed, the city fathers, who evinced a strange passion for +mournings, were well nigh voting a respectable sum to pay proper +respect to his remains, for they held it no disgrace to vote sums +for melancholy purposes; which, however, they invariably spend in +night suppers, over which they give one another bloody noses and +black eyes-a distinguishing motto with divers hard headed +councilmen. But the major was resolved not to be sent to his long +account in so mean a style, and remained with his eyes wide open, +and so clearly in possession of his rational senses, that the +bystanders, who were all gentlemen of quality, (there not being an +opera singer among them,) declared that his power of endurance was +without bounds. In truth, it was proven that no amount of battering +and bruising could kill so famous a warrior. But, if he opened his +eyes, he spoke not a word until the physician was gone, when his +lips slowly resumed their power of motion, and he said, in a voice +scarcely intelligible, "Quantibus, moribus, canibus, omnibus, ma +dormibus." + +"Pray, what does he say?" inquired the bystanders of one another. + +"Lambabus, Jehovabus, cananius," resumed the major, following the +effort with a deep sigh. + +"He speaks Latin," replied one of the bystanders; "and as I have a +little of that language at my fingers' ends, I recognize that he +says, 'Blessed is he who dies in a noble mission.' Yes, there! he +repeats it again, and I have it exactly." + +The major continued muttering several incoherent sentences, +interlarding them with words of intelligible English, which doubly +confused his auditors, another of whom declared that though he never +had read a verse of Latin in his life, he was sure it was not that, +but some strange tongue, in which the sufferer, being a profound +scholar, desired to make his "dying declaration." They all finally +came to this opinion, and agreed that a priest and a parson be +called, as they were not quite sure as to his religion, and it was +only necessary to have some one who knew Latin by heart. A druggist +was suggested by another; but an objection was interposed on the +ground that the Latin of druggists was not to be depended upon. +Again, it was said the priest and the parson would get to quarreling +over some nice point of doctrine, or as to the exact style of +sending him to heaven, which would make it extremely unpleasant for +the worldly minded lookers on. "It is just come into my head," spoke +a young man of genteel appearance and sympathizing looks, "that +there lives in the neighborhood one Orlando Tickler, an Irish +gentleman of much ancestry. He is reputed to be poor, but a profound +critic of books; it is also said of him that he can speak numerous +tongues." Orlando Tickler was a man of fashionable aspect, and had +written various learned essays, largely set with Latin sentences, on +subjects connected with high art, for which he affected a love +equaled only by his contempt for every American who "dabbled in it." +And, as he was always ready to give proof of his wisdom, he came at +the first invitation, and with so grave and solemn a bearing that no +man would have dared to dispute his wisdom. + +"And now, sir," said he, in a brogue of peculiar richness, +addressing the prostrate hero, "since I see you are dying, and about +to leave this world, pray what would you say in respect to +yourself?" + +The major (now General Roger Potter) fixed his eyes upon Mr. Tickler +with such intenseness that he turned pale, and repeated his +question. Whereupon the prostrate patient again muttered, +"Quantibus, moribus, canibus, ma dormebus." + +"Faith, and it's as good Latin as my man could speak, which is +saying no little for him as a gentleman," said Mr. Tickler, with an +air of much wisdom. + +"Please, sir, tell us what he says, for we are all impatient, lest +the poor man go out of the world with a dying request upon his +lips;" interposed one of the bystanders. + +"What's that he says, now?" queried Mr. Tickler, in reply. "Well, I +have it!-he says, (and I think his mind is a little out because he +says it,) that this world is all naked vanity, and the quicker a man +makes his peace with heaven, the stronger is the proof that he is a +man of sense." + +They all agreed that this was a very sensible remark for a dying +man, when the major, to their utter astonishment, again opened his +lips, and with more vigor than before, muttered one of two +sentences, which were all of Latin he had ever known in his life, +"Apolla Majora canimus." + +"See, now!-what is this it is now?" interposed the learned Tickler. +"Faith it's hard enough keeping them all in a body's head. Indeed, +an' it's come to me quick enough though! He says he gave his +energies to his country, and hopes the devil may get his enemies if +they say it was otherwise with him." + +Mr. Tickler now commenced a dissertation on the beauties of the +Latin language, the origin of which he traced into the ancient +Celtic, which, judging from its Nomic melody, he should say bore a +trite and common resemblance to that now spoken in Wales, Ireland, +and the Highlands of Scotland; and which, notwithstanding the +authorities to the contrary, he firmly believed was introduced first +into his country by William the Conqueror. Indeed, he insisted that +he had twice debated this point with the learned critic, Easley, +(whom he styled the New York executioner of literature,) and beat +him with ease; for though Easley was a man of profound knowledge and +erudition, he was not a match for him at Latin. + +"Omnes codem cogimur, omnium," repeated the major. + +"Gentlemen," said the critic, "he has something of great importance +to communicate, and, if it please you, desires to be alone for a few +minutes." The bystanders were now well convinced that Mr. Tickler +was a man of profound learning, and more than up to his reputation. +They, therefore, withdrew in silence; and had no sooner disappeared +than the major rose to his haunches without the slightest +difficulty, and gave visible proof that his tongue was restored to +its original usefulness. + +"Truly, I am under an obligation to you, sir," said he, addressing +himself to the critic; "for you have rendered me a service I much +needed. I was only stunned, and knew that a little sleep would +restore me to my natural understanding. But my tongue had lost its +power, and I could not sleep with so many about my bed. The nonsense +I muttered was for a disguise; for I feared if I came suddenly to my +senses they would dry up their sympathies, and not think so well of +me. But pray, how comes it, sir, that you made such good Latin of my +gibberish? Tell me, kind sir, for I see you are a scholar, and it +may be that Latin is a natural gift with me; and when you are done I +will order up a little brandy, which we will divide between us; for +I apprehend it will not embarrass you, since you are a man in whose +eye I see wisdom enough for several." + +"To be honest with you, friend, I will not reject the brandy, for I +took a liking to it when I was a strolling player, and believe it +does me no harm in my new profession. He here, at the major's +request, rang the bell for a waiter. "As to what you said, to tell +the truth between ourselves, not a word of it could I make out; for +though I can speak many languages, my head is not troubled with a +word of Latin, which, I have no doubt, you spoke with great +correctness. I would have you know, sir, that it will not do in +these pinching times to set up for a critic, unless you have Latin +at your finger's ends. And if you have it not, why it serves the +same purpose to say you have. With Latin you can enter the Press +Club, (which affords you an excellent opportunity of escaping the +bills of your tailor,) and if you practice the deception with skill, +you will be set down for a man of wonderful capacity. But if you +knew what a miserable thing it is to be a critic, you would, I knew, +say a man had better follow the devil with a fife and drum than +depend on the tricks of booksellers for his bread, which is come the +fashion with critics at this day." + +"Upon my soul, Mr. Tickler," replied the major, rising to his feet, +as sound a man as ever was seen, "I reverence you for your good +sense. The truth is, I hold it none the worse of a man that he have +not his mouth full of Latin every minute in the day. And as my wife +Polly knows, I have languages enough at my tongue's end; but hold it +better of a man that he try to get perfect in his own." + +"Let us to the priests with the languages," rejoined Mr. Tickler, +knowingly; "and let us get to the brandy for here comes the +servant." And the servant entered with a bow. + + + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVII. + +IN WHICH WILL BE FOUND SEVERAL THINGS COMMON TO MILITARY +POLITICIANS; ALSO, A CURIOUS HISTORY OF THE CRITICS, AS RELATED BY +MR. TICKLER. + + + + + +HAVING given his order to the servant, General Potter turned to Mr. +Tickler, and with great politeness said, "I may say to you in +confidence, seeing that I shall be all right when I take a bottle or +two of Townsend's Sarsaparilla, that my friends made me a General +last night; and as experience teaches me that this title will do me +great service, pray make it convenient to address me accordingly." +Mr. Tickler at once promised to scrupulously regard this admonition, +as well as to hold the general's person in profound respect. + +And now, as many inquiries were made after his health by persons of +distinction, he desired the host to send them away, saying he was +doing as well as could be expected under the circumstances. And when +the gentlemen who retired at Mr. Tickler's request reentered the +room, they were surprised and astonished to find the man they had +supposed on the point of death restored to perfect health, and weak +only from the blood taken from him by the skillful physician. He +was, indeed, speaking as good English as needs be, and earnestly +debating a question of state policy with Mr. Tickler over an +excellent punch. On making inquiries about his pains, he good +naturedly assured them he was a much sounder man than before, except +that he had a slight itching in one of his toes, which could be +readily removed with a bottle or two of Dr. Townsend's Sarsaparilla. +They were not a little diverted at the quaintness of the remark, and +went away satisfied that he was at least the most remarkable man of +the age, if not the wisest. + +Not a thought was given to old Battle during all this time, which +was the strangest thing of all, considering the affection he bore +him. Having drained his glass, the general (which he must henceforth +be called) gave Mr. Tickler wonderful account of his mission, and +the prospects that were held out to him. "I see, sir," said he, +addressing Tickler, "that you are a man of uncommon ability; and as +I stand in great need of just such a gentleman's services, to write +my speeches, and do an elegant correspondence, you have but to say +you will join me, and I promise you such a share of the rewards as +will make you a happy man for the rest of your life. My speeches are +not difficult, but my correspondence is extensive and curious +enough, God knows." + +"An office that will better my condition will not stand long waiting +my acceptance, as you shall have reason to know, sir, when you make +me the offer. Mind ye, I have followed the wretched life of a critic +so long that I am compelled to cheat my tailor, and depend on a +friend to invite me to dinner. As to my accomplishments, you will +find them out by inquiring at the Press Club, which is composed of +as nice gentlemen as any lady of taste could wish; and I swear, sir, +they have so much learning that they have killed several magazines +of great respectability." Mr. Tickler said this with an air of +superlative dignity; and having a beard and mustache of exquisite +growth, he drew a delicate comb from his pocket, and commenced +curling them with great care. In truth, Mr. Orlando Tickler was +something of an exquisite, and as much a fixture at the opera as the +empty chair of a stockholder. What was more, he leveled an opera +glass worth sixty dollars at the belles. + +"Really, sir," replied the general with a smile, "you talk like a +gentleman of profound wisdom. I perhaps ought to tell you, that a +clever young gentleman, who did me the service I desire of you, +being ambitious, left me, and set up for a lawyer. And it was in +vain I promisd him a seat in Congress in two years, if he would +remain with me. It is also said of him, that he has taken to writing +my history, which an honest bookseller has engaged to publish out of +sheer respect to the severe and very uncharitable things he had said +of me and my wife, Polly Potter." The general now begged Mr. Tickler +to give him a more detailed account of these critics, of whom he he +had spoken so strangely. + +"Faith, sir, it gives me pleasure to impart knowledge to others," +rejoined Mr. Tickler; "and as I have no great love for any of them, +I will, to be brief, tell you that you may divide them under four +heads: The wise critics, the fashionable society critics, the +correspondent critics, and the critics at large. The wise critic is +generally a dilapidated parson, who, having vacated the pulpit for +want of morals, brings into literature the spirit of the viper, +which he manifests toward his brother craftsmen with peculiar +unction. He preserves a sort of clerical air, wears a white +neckcloth, spectacles, and a shabby coat; and in addition to foul +linen, he has a great passion for sending poets and novel writers to +the devil. He affects to despise a literature not well savored with +religious sentiment, but will at times condescend to lavish +unmeasured praise upon a book of loose morals. The wise critic +generally has lodging with some pious lady in Fourth Street, +breakfasts on rolls and coffee at Peteler's, dines three times a +week with his female literary friends, and for the rest takes rice +and milk at Savery's, in Beekman Street. Being literary editor of +two or more daily papers, publishers hold him in great respect, and +employ him at reading the novels of ambitious school girls, which he +will aid them in cramming down the spacious throat of the public. It +would not do to offer a wise critic pay for his services; but the +accepting of presents he regards in the light of exchanges of love +between a friend served and a friend admired. He has numerous +affairs of ceremony with gifted widows, who write very excellent +sensation books in behalf of downtrodden humanity, and who never +fail to express their admiration of his great learning; and this +high consideration he repays with ponderous eulogies on their books. +His carping he reserves for the devil, and such authors as Prescott, +Bryant, and Longfellow. + +"The fashionable critic belongs to the Press Club, from which it may +be inferred that he is an excellent judge of Cologne and hair oil. I +say this, sir, seeing how large a a quantity of these excellent +articles are used by the nice persons who constitute that club. In +dress, the fashionable critic is quite up to Fifth Avenue, and in +manners he is rather above it. He is in high favor with certain aged +dowagers of doubtful ancestry, who never think of giving an evening +party without one or two of the best cravatted. He has a wonderful +relish for light literature, and affects to speak numerous tongues. +In truth, if there be a tongue he is not familiar with, he will tell +you most patronizingly that it is a tongue not known in fashionable +society. He writes articles for magazines, turns the brains of +certain young damsels at boarding schools, and at the end of the +year fancies himself a Byron. Now and then he gathers his stray +effusions together, and gives them to the forgiving world in a book +that sends a titillation of joy to the hearts of his numerous +admirers, and also sets every fashionable critic to praising it as +the most wonderful work of the age; for unlike the wise critic, the +fashionable critic eschews envy, and invariably puffs the bantlings +of his fellows. In fine, the fashionable critic is always tied to +some lady friend, who has written a book he is about to notice in +Putnam, a journal he has nearly choked to death with his great +learning. If you would know how he lives I will tell you. He has +three dollar lodgings with Mrs. Sponge, in Amity Street, which is +fashionable enough for any body. But being a sharp fellow, he takes +a dinner or two at the Brevort House, which enables him to indite +all his epistles therefrom, so, to his friends, he is at the Brevort +House. And, believe me, sir, for I say it more in pity than anger, +he is a man much given to appropriating to himself the coats and +breeches of his friends, and going uninvited to balls. + +"The correspondent critic is generally an energetic gentleman of +foreign extraction and doubtful ancestry. Being without means or +business, he sets up for a critic of books. He will correspond +gratis for papers in Boston, Philadelphia, Washington, Cincinnati, +and other large cities. Having "got his newspapers," he forms an +extensive acquaintance with authors, publishers, and actors-in a +word, with any one in need of puffing, the force of which he gauges +according to the amount paid. Although the wise critic holds him in +utter contempt, he affects a knowledge of books quite as profound, +and can completely outshine him in his style of adulation. As for +new books, no enterprising publisher would deign to send him less +than two copies, which may be found at a book stall the very next +morning. As, however, his sense of feeling is so delicate that he +only wants to feel a book to decide upon its merits, this disposing +of the books fortunately does not debar him from giving a ten dollar +opinion of it in one of his newspapers. When, however, his puffs are +not squared according to the publisher's liking, he is sent about +his business; sometimes threatened with an expos‚ of the +peculiarities of his trade. He has free drinks and dinners at +various first class hotels, which he invariably recommends in his +'articles.' Doctor Thompson's purgative powders, Lubin's perfumery, +and the Home Journal, are severally victims of his profound respect. + +"The correspondent critic has small apartments at first class +hotels, which he changes frequently, out of sheer respect, as he +says, to economy. But I have failed to discover how this could +apply, since the change was invariably made for a more expensive +hotel, while a little score always remained on the ledger, to the no +small annoyance of the host. But, sir, where they have it is in +'knowing' the impressibility of certain ambitious actresses, whose +acquaintance they cultivate, and for a given sum set them up for +Siddonses and Rachels, with the same respect for modesty they evince +in puffing Peteler's soda water. + +"And now, sir, we have come to the last, but depend upon it, he is +not the least of them all--I mean the critic at large." Here Mr. +Tickler, who, it must be known, was as big a knave as any of them, +and only charged upon others the little inconsistencies he had +himself been guilty of, lighted his cigar, and suggested the good +results of another well compounded punch, which the general ordered +without delay. "I tell you, sir," Mr. Tickler resumed, "he is an +oily gentleman in very shabby clothes, and might be easily mistaken +for a cross between a toper and a tinker. Lacking capacity for any +other business, he forms a cheap connection with the press, where +his first office would seem to be that of sitting in judgment upon +literature. Indeed, I have seldom seen a more shabby gentleman set +up for a man of letters. His aversion to water and clean linen is +only equaled by his love of actors and bad brandy, the latter having +painted his face with a deep glow. The limit of his 'set phrases' is +somewhat narrow; but notwithstanding this little impediment, he has +a wonderful facility for making heroes. He assists publishers in +'getting out books,' getting up sensations, and, perhaps, a learned +controversy, in which the Evening Post, feeling its reserved rights +infringed, will join issue with every one else. The critic at large +is, in most cases, a foreign gentleman, who boasts an engagement on +the Express, adding at the same time, and with some assurance, that +he writes for the Sunday Dispatch and Atlas. This stroke of policy +he holds necessary to preserve his respectability. He is in high +favor at all the theaters, tips winks to his actress acquaintances, +drinks slings and toddies at Honey's with actors befuddling +themselves into that dreamy state regarded by the profession as +necessary to the clear bringing out of all the beauties with which a +beneficent providence endowed the kings and conquerors they are to +personate at night, on that sequestered world called the stage. You +may know by the downy state of his wardrobe that he has a place to +sleep. But where he gets his breakfast is a mystery no friend has +ever yet solved for me. Aside from taking a two shilling dinner at +an oyster cellar in William Street and wiping his greasy fingers on +a leather apron, he would seem to live on hopes and brandy-mixed. He +affects great admiration of Johnson and Goldsmith, compares his +poverty with theirs, and attributes the present wretched condition +of criticism to the disgrace brought upon the profession by Easley +and other dilapidated priests. You will frequently see this shabby +man of letters standing at the corner of Nassau and Ann streets, his +hands in his pockets and his head bent in meditation. Occasionally +he will pitch his post in the vicinity of the Herald office, and +look up longingly at the windows, as if envying the dare devils who +write for that witty journal their fat larder. And here he will +remain until some kind friend with a shilling invites him to a +sling. Truly, sir, he is starved into flattering his patrons. If you +be an ambitious author, you have only to show him the color of your +coin, and for two dollars he will make you quite equal to Thackeray. +Five dollars in his palm, and, my word for it, he will have you +superior to either Bulwer or Dickens. If you be a poet, he will, for +the sum of eight dollars, (which is Easley's price,) enshrine you +with the combined mantles of Homer and Shakspeare. He applies the +same scale of prices to such actors and actresses as stand in need +of his services. Notwithstanding his passion for exalting his +patrons, he affects in conversation a great dislike for American +literature, while at the same time he is ever ready to lavish the +most indiscriminate praise upon the books of foreign authors. He +never makes both ends meet on Saturday, but will borrow a dollar to +go to Coney Island on Sunday. + +"And now, your honor, you have the whole mob, and you may make what +you please of them." The general raised his glass, and was about to +declare he had been highly entertained, when Mr. Tickler suddenly +interrupted, by reminding him that he had just called to mind the +fact, that there was a play writer critic. "This fellow is the most +congenial of them all, has a little room somewhere in North Moore +Street, in which may found two or three pictures of fierce looking +tragedians; a cot covered with a quilt of various colors, and +looking as if it had been used for a horse blanket; a carpet the +colors have long since been worn out of; a dumb clock over the dingy +mantel piece; a portrait of the deceased husband of the hostess; and +a table well supplied with pipes, tobacco, and French plays. The +French plays are, when slightly altered and rendered into English, +for the public; the pipes and tobacco are for his friends. And +although perpetually climbing the mountain of poverty, while +building no end of castles in the air, he spends what he gets to-day +and has no thought for to-morrow. It having come the fashion of the +day for managers of theaters to feast their patrons on the morbid +sentimentality of French plays, (as if the vices of our own social +system were not enough to excite the vicious propensities of our +high blooded youths,) so also would it seem the highest inspiration +of the eighteenth century play writer to rehash and coarsify for the +American stage all those lascivious eccentricities for which the +French are famous. Hence, your jolly play writer is generally +engaged with his friends, smoking pipes and reading the last French +piece. The pleasure excited by this congenial occupation is +invariably heightened with libations of whiskey, the play writer +having a credit with the grocer at the corner for three bottles, +which, in a case of emergency, may be extended to four. He writes +occasionally for the Sunday newspapers, thinks John Brougham the +greatest dramatist and wit of the age, and stands ready either to +join him in a glass or sing his praises, though there is as much +reason for committing so flagrant an outrage as there would be in +praising the ten thousand and one stanzas written by that wonderful +and very eccentric bard, Richard Yeadon, who has sung of so many +springs and watering places as to dry up his own muse. He is +likewise something of a dabbler at reviewing novels, but they must +be largely sprinkled with murders, and have plots strong enough to +carry anything but the clergy. All other critics are to him great +bores; but, like them, he has a price for his services, and will, if +you pay him, make Shakspeares and Corneilles of very ordinary +persons. As for respectable society, he never even scented the +perfumery of its outskirts; he therefore holds it in utter contempt. +Ready at all times to adapt himself to circumstances, if he chance +to get in arrears to his landlady, he will square the account by +marrying either herself or her daughter." Mr. Tickler proceeded in +this strain, relating sundry curious things of the critics, until +the night was far advanced, and concluded by suggesting that no +serious damage could result to his constitution from another punch. +The general immediately fell in with this opinion, and indeed was so +entertained by his narrative, that he would have ordered a dozen +punches without considering his obligation to him wiped out. The +punch being dispatched, the general slipped five dollars into Mr. +Tickler's hand, and desired him to proceed to the host, thank him +for his great kindness, and clear the little score from his ledger. +Greatly delighted at the prospect of performing this service, Mr. +Tickler proceeded to the office, and was informed by the polite host +that it was a custom with him never to take money of persons driven +to seek shelter in his house by accidents. To end the matter, he +vowed it not only gave him great pleasure to have so distinguished a +military gentleman in his house, which had bore a character for +hospitality he was scrupulous it should continue to maintain, but +that he would be happy to see him again. Indeed, he wished him +success in all his undertakings, hoping they would bring comfort in +great abundance. + +Slipping the price of a criticism into his own pocket, the adroit +Tickler returned to the general, swore the host was the most +generous fellow within his knowledge, and said, "See here, sir! +faith of my father! but he would only take three dollars for it all. +And he passed the divil knows how many compliments on your valor, +for I couldn't count them." He now proffered the remaining two, but +was not slow in acting upon the general's admonition to put them in +his own pocket. "And now, sir," resumed Mr. Tickler, with an air of +great anxiety, "let us hasten home to your lodgings, and to-morrow I +will write this generous man a note for you, thanking him for such +rare disinterestedness. And it shall be such a note!" The general, +however, was not quite sure whether such an act would become a man +of courtesy, and expressed a desire to see so generous a landlord +and tell him how much he thanked him. But as this would seriously +disturb Mr. Tickler's arrangements, that gentleman got him out of +the house as speedily as possible, assuring him that such a +proceeding would be contrary to all the established rules of +etiquette. Quietly then, they proceeded down Broadway together, +suspicious that they were seen by every passer by, and entered the +St. Nicholas by a private door. And so unobserved was this +achievement, that the host was, on the following morning, surprised +and astonished at the return of his guest, whom he would have sworn +was lying a corpse at the New York Hotel. + + + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVIII. + +GENERAL POTTER RECEIVES A LETTER FROM HIS WIFE POLLY; HE ENGAGES TO +FIGHT THE KING OF THE KALORAMAS; PREPARES TO LEAVE FOR WASHINGTON; +AND VARIOUS THINGS CURIOUS AND INTERESTING. + + + + + +WHEN Tickler parted company with the general, it was with the +understanding that they meet again in a day or two, and consummate +the agreement whereby the adroit critic was to follow the fortunes +of his master through politics and war. He therefore went directly +to his home, and returned thanks for the mercy of this opportune +deliverance from his dire necessities. A shilling he had not had in +his pocket for several days; and as to the five dollars, it would +enable him to assume a position of no small importance among his +friends at the opera. + +As to the general, he awoke early in the morning, and began to +contemplate his honors. There could not be the slightest doubt of +his fame in politics, seeing how many distinguished persons had +sought to pay him homage. Indeed, he had been carried by a process +known only to politicians to an incredible height of popularity, +which, being vain of, he bore with a patience and cheerfulness +equaled only by the docility of old Battle, his horse. The city +fathers, it must be mentioned, finding him not quite up to their +expectations, were endeavoring to drop him with as little noise as +possible. But it seemed a question which was most deceived, the +general or the city fathers. The latter found the former a shallow +pated man, who from mere joking, had been made to believe himself a +great politician, and by a singular cleverness in committing to +memory the altered speeches of others, had created for himself a +respectability that always vanished on an acquaintance with him; +while the former declared that the population of a city was no proof +of the amount of moral rectitude by which its government was +conducted, seeing that he had found those of the city fathers with +whom he had come in contact, very craggy headed men, and sadly +deficient in everything but creating disorders and bringing disgrace +upon the city: in fine, that they were not what they ought to be. + +The general now began to look about him for means whereby he could +distinguish himself in war, and make his fame national. He argued +within himself that however famous a man might become in politics, +there was an uncertainty always impending. But to be famous in war, +was something as durable as time, and which always excited the +warmest admiration of one's countrymen. And while he, with confused +fancies flitting through his imagination, was thus contemplating his +present greatness and future prospects, a servant entered, bearing a +letter. + +"Love of me!" exclaimed the general, "It's from my wife, Polly!" + +A superscription in a series of hieroglyphics that would have defied +the combined erudition of Rawlinson and Layard, the general +deciphered thus: "To Major Roger Sherman Potter. In New York." The +seal, which was of broken wafers, pressed with a thimble, was broken +xwith eager anxiety, and the general, his eyes transfixed on the +dingy page, read the contents, which ran thus: + +"Barnstable, June -, 185.--"My Dear husban + +"You knows i niver did like these ere politiks, for all the +expereiance i've had in um tells me they nethir brings meat nor pays +the store bills. I see they bin making ever so much on you yinder in +New York; but that ant nothin', when a body has debts to pay, and +childirn to shoe and larn. I know, and you know i know, that when +you was young you had capacity (talent they call it) enuff to get to +Congriss; and thats why i tried so to get you there, and sold all +the ducks and chickens, and strained, you know, ever so many ways to +help you up in the world; but now i see there's not a whit a use +int, for i've a come convinsed that them politiks makes an honest +man a rogue, and sends his soul to the devil, and his family to the +town-house. I like to see you made so much of, for i have the +nateral feelins of a wife, and if, as you used to say, i didn't know +much of filosofy, why i have some sense, and want you to come +straight home, and see to your poor family, for it takes all we can +get for binding shoes to buy bread. But what i want to tell you is +three days after you left on the Two Marys, Sheriff Warner come with +a rit, and carried away the three pigs, and Warner has bin donnin me +life out for that old store bill, and Draner says he wont wait +another day for the rent, and Aldrich says you owe him ten dollars +borrowed money, which you had better pay afore you make so much +noise in New York. But what i want to tell you is, that i lent what +little money you left to Captain Ben Larnard, who says he can't pay +it back right away, but will when his wife gits home, though Captain +Spelt's wife says she's run off with another man. And there's that +trifle due when you went away to Jefferson Bigelow the butcher, he +keeps a lookin in and giving me the startles, and saying how Squire +Benson lives at the corner. Now as you love your poor wife and +children come home, and let politiks alone, and provide for your +children like a good christian and an honest man, which I have heard +it said a politishon cant be. And this is the prayer of your true +and affeckshonite wife POLLY POTTER." + +"A bombshell from my wife Polly, sure enough!" ejaculated the +general; "but she is a sensible woman, and with learning would have +made her mark in the world. A man must not look back though, but +renew his demonstrations against misfortune, and then if he succeed +let him thank his energy. And yet it is true, as my wife Polly says, +my politics have brought me in but little meat, and my children have +often times gone scantily clad, whereas they might have had plenty +if I'd stuck to the bench. However, a point approached, is a point +gained, and now that my hand is almost upon a mission, which will +repay for all my disappointments, it will not do to walk back into +the house and shut the door." + +Thus the hero reasoned within himself. It was true, old Battle was +eating his head off. But the pig had made a wonderful sensation, and +so crowded the house every night as to demonstrate the fact that +first rate talent of every kind was highly appreciated in New York. +The critics, with scarcely a dissenting voice, had declared the pig +a marvel, a profound embodiment of talent, one of the wonders of the +age; an animal possessed of such rare gifts that no lover of the +curious in natural history should lose the opportunity of witnessing +his performances. And in order to diversify these distinguished and +very popular entertainments, the clever showman had introduced a +piece called "Evenings with the Critics," in one scene of which was +presented a litter of nine precocious pigs, habited in bright, +colored mantles, and seated on seats forming a semicircle, with +Duncan in ducal robes seated on a throne, and presiding with the +gravest demeanor. The nine small pigs were supposed to represent +various members of the critic tribe, while Duncan, who was in +spectacles, personated Doctor Easley. And so cleverly did the +showman understand the instincts of critics, as well as the beauties +of his art, that he produced the scene with the merits of a poem +called Hiawatha under consideration. Each pig waited the signal of +approval or disapproval from Duncan, and according to his verdict, +either fell upon and grievously soiled the poem, or grunted in one +string of praise as they danced round it. And the audience +understanding the logic of this, the performance proved highly +entertaining. Indeed, renowned tragedians, very popular low +comedians, leading business ladies, whose fame had been made for +twenty years, and singing ladies who hailed from no less a place +than the Covent Garden Opera, London, were driven by the pig mania +into Poverty Lodge, from whence they sneeringly declared that no +better proof of the low standard of public taste could be afforded. + +And now, while pondering over the letter received from his wife, +Polly, and feeling as if he could kiss her a thousand times, and +entreat her to bear with him, since this time he was sure of +success, and would return to her so much exalted that the whole +village would turn out to do him homage, Barnum entered, and without +further ceremony declared himself so enamored of the pig, whose +success with the public was unprecedented, that he cheerfully paid +down the amount of the closing engagement, and produced a paper +which proved to be a re‰ngagement at an advance of terms, that so +completely satisfied the general, that he signed it without further +hesitation. The showman being a advocate of temperance, declined +General Potter's invitation to join him over a punch; and being a +man of business, took his departure as soon as he had perfected the +re‰ngagement, promising to keep the pig's birthplace and antecedents +a profound secret. And when he was gone, the general took fifty +dollars of the money paid him, and sate down to write the following +letter in reply to that received from his wife Polly: "St. Nicholas +Hotel, New York, June -, 185-. "MY DEAR WIFE POLLY: + +"Your letter is just received, and grieves me enough, God knows. You +must know, dear Polly, that riches are not got in a day, nor is fame +gained in a week, though a man may be popular and not have money +enough to get a shilling dinner. And truly, since I arrived here, so +much honor has been showered upon me that my shoulders are scarce +broad enough to carry it all. As for those who make up the +government of this great city, I have come to think they are not to +be trusted; for if my good nature would recompense them for the +respect they have shown me, my common sense is not to be shut up +with gilded doors when I see men much given to strong drink and +breaking one another's heads, which it seems to me is the fashion +with these high office gentlemen. I now send you fifty dollars, +which will comfort you for a time; remember, I will send you some +more when less engaged with matters concerning the public. Give each +a little, just to keep matters quiet; but be careful not to let one +of them know how much you have in the purse, or they'll all rush +upon you and strip you to the last dollar. I have success at my +finger's ends, and am sure of a mission, as you will see by the +newspapers, which have said no end of good things of me. I have met +with one or two slight misfortunes, but as they are such as all +great politicians and military men must expect to meet, I will say +no more about them. Heaven bless you and the children, is the +sincere wish of your affectionate husband, "ROGER SHERMAN POTTER. + +"P.S. Excuse my brevity, dear Polly, as I am much pressed with +public affairs. Old Battle is well, but served me a scurvy trick +only a day or two ago." + +Having sealed and despatched this letter to the post office, General +Potter suddenly remembered that he had not seen his faithful horse +since the accident in Broadway that had so nearly cost him his life. +He therefore repaired to the stable, where a scene so truly +affecting took place, that the grooms had great difficulty in +restraining their tears. No sooner did old Battle hear his master's +voice, than he began neighing, when his master, in return, patted +and caressed him as if he had been a child. In truth, the animal was +much bruised about the knees and face, and altogether presented a +figure sorry enough to enlist the sympathy of any kind gentleman. +"It was no fault of yours, my true, my faithful friend," said the +general, patting him on the neck and fondling him. "The ragged +urchins did it all, and if their parents be not careful the devil +and the gallows will put a sudden end to their career. Thou hast +shared my trials in many an expedition, and it is my intention that +thou share many more." In this manner the general continued to +condole old Battle, until the grooms forgot their grief, and were +well nigh splitting their sides with laughter. Leaving his horse, +the general returned to his rooms, and found a stranger awaiting +him. + +"The importance of my mission, sir," spoke the man, who arose to his +feet with great dignity of manner, and was evidently a man of much +circumstance, "is the best apology I can offer for this +self-introduction-" + +"I see, sir," replied the general, "that you are a man of quality. +Keep your seat, then, and accept my assurances of good faith in +whatever it may please you to offer." + +"My name," resumed the stranger, his stately figure and frank, open +countenance, forming a curious contrast to the rotund figure of the +general, "is Pekleworth Glanmoregain, so well known in the world of +commerce that I apprehend it is not the first time you have heard of +me." The general bowed. "Your fame as a military man having come to +my knowledge, as also your ability for statesmanship, I have sought +you out, with a view to engaging your services in carrying out a +great project I now have on hand. But what passes between us I +desire shall be kept a profound secret for the present, since events +mature with such a rapidity at this day that it is impossible to +keep track of them." The stranger paused and cast a scrutinizing +glance at the general, who was surprised and astounded at the +vagueness of his speech. Indeed, he began to have a suspicion that +the stranger was on an errand of evil, or, perhaps, had come to +engage his services in some unholy enterprise, such as poisoning an +heir or giving false evidence. + +"Pray, remember," said he, in a voice indicating great anxiety, +"that if I have not much of the world's riches, I am at least an +honest man, which is saying something, as things go. I may say, too, +that I set some value upon my military reputation; therefore, let +what you have to offer be such as it will not lower my reputation to +accept. To tell you the truth, sir, I have a foreign mission in my +eye, and am sure of getting it when I go to Washington, since my +qualifications are not a whit behind any of them." + +"Bury your misgivings, I enjoin you," replied the stranger, "for I +am a responsible man, and the service I require of you is highly +honorable. I have a mighty project in view, and if it can with your +assistance be carried to a successful issue, not only will I make +you a great general, but a rich man for the rest of your life." + +The prospect of being made a great general so elated our hero, that +as the stranger discovered his project in detail, he entered into it +with great alacrity, and would, as an earnest of his ability, have +given him an account of all the wars he had been in, and the +victories that were gained solely by following his advice, but that +the stranger assured him it was unnecessary, since he had already +seen enough proof of his being a man of valor. + +Pekleworth Glanmoregain, I must mention here, was a man who had +become famous in commerce, and had large possessions. But these he +was not content to enjoy, but sought to increase his wealth by means +our forefathers would have characterized with much severity. There +was, according to Pekleworth Glanmoregain, a territory somewhere on +the Spanish main, familiarly known as the Kingdom of the Kaloramas. +The Kaloramas were an inoffensive people, who had been much degraded +by intestine wars, and were so low in the scale of physical and +intellectual quality as to enlist in their behalf the sympathies of +the powerful and magnanimous. But as that which is nationally weak +only serves as a prey to that which is nationally strong, so the +poor, emaciated Kaloramas had for years been a prey to the avarice +of rival adventurers, who, in that spirit which arrogance always +asserts over ignorance, would make their king a puppet and +themselves mere vassals. And this the wily adventurers did, by +professing great friendship for the king and his people, then +setting up a fictitious claim to a voice in the affairs of the +kingdom, and finally demanding for such service, which any knave or +fool might have rendered, not one, but all his islands. In truth, +the Kingdom of the Kaloramas, though insignificant in its own +political aspect, had furnished a grand theme for a comedy of modern +diplomatic errors, in the performance of which numerous clever +gentlemen had found much innocent recreation, though not a man had +been found capable of solving the plot to the satisfaction of the +spectators. In fine, what caused so much longing after, and so many +evil eyes to be cast upon this little kingdom of the poor Kaloramas, +was the fact that it had within itself a great highway, over which +the commerce of two oceans passed. And such were the advantages held +out by a monopoly of this highway, that each claimant stood ready to +censure the ignorance of the government that doubted his right to +higher consideration than that given to his fellow adventurer, whom +he would hang to the nearest tree with as little scruple as he would +eat his breakfast. + +"And now, sir," resumed Glanmoregain, "I have described the Kingdom +of the Kaloramas to you, and also the immense advantages it +possesses. To be honest with you, then, I desire to gain possession +of it, which I take it will be no hard matter, provided the general +who engages in my service be capable of outwitting his rivals. And +as each keeps a general and a poet of his own, I am resolved to +outdo the rest by having a general and two poets, which surely will +secure the success of my enterprise." + +"Truly, sir," interposed the general, somewhat surprised at the +hugeness of Glanmoregain's desires, "I hold it no man is more +capable of undertaking what you desire, for God has given me talents +which have served me in war, and I have been careful not to abuse +them in peace. Let me then have men and meat, and, if you please, a +few of those gifts men so much covet, and I warrant you I make the +glory all your own. Say but the word, and it will not be long before +I have this king you speak of hung to the first tree, and myself +elected in his place." + +"You are exactly the gentleman I want," spoke the other; "and as to +men and meat, I may mention, general, that I have numerous ships at +my command, and provisions without stint! And there are at least ten +thousand vagabonds, whom, heaven knows, the city would be well rid +of; and these, being officered by well starved members of the legal +profession, whose name is legion, can be got to do the fighting for +the mere love they bear such amusement. Indeed, general, I am no +prophet, or the appearance of such an army would soon frighten the +king out of his kingdom, which would be a blessing, seeing that it +would save so much blood. First disorganize the judiciary, then +endeavor to spread dissension among the people, (which is a thing +common enough with the ministers we send abroad,) and when these +things are done the king can be easily overthrown, which will secure +me the advantage I desire as well as a victory over my rivals." + +"Faith, sir, I pledge my military reputation to do all these things; +and if I fail it will be no fault of mine, for my arm is strong +enough to meet the enemy at his own game. And as your speech betrays +you a man of profound wisdom, I will tell you, for it will be of +great advantage to our cause, that I am about to engage one Orlando +Tickler, a critic of great learning, who speaks several tongues, and +has no less than seven newspapers at his bidding. And what is more, +he is much given to poetry, and can get up sonnets in praise of our +victories. Think you not he can play an important part?" + +"A person we much need," said Glanmoregain, patting the general on +the shoulder; "and if he have seven newspapers at his bidding, why, +if he but know how to use them in making victories of defeats, I +will wager my life on the success of my enterprise. And if you can +get that foreign mission you speak of, so much the better. Let it be +to the King of the Kaloramas, and you can then use your privileges +to get such a knowledge of the weaknesses of the court as will +enable you to overthrow it with the greatest facility." + +The preliminaries being arranged, the general promised to proceed +strictly according to the advice of Glanmoregain, and to lose no +time in proceeding to Washington to secure his appointment. He also +promised to keep his own counsel; and to prove their good faith, +they sat down to a bottle of old port, which, when they had +finished, Glanmoregain took his departure, promising to call on the +following day, and left the general to pack up his baggage, +preparatory to taking his departure. + + + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIX. + +IN WHICH GENERAL POTTER FINALLY SECURES THE SERVICES OF MR. TICKLER; +AND, TOGETHER WITH PEKLEWORTH GLANMOREGAIN, THEY VISIT THE OPERA +BEFORE SETTING OUT FOR WASHINGTON. + + + + + +GLANMOREGAIN went home thinking within himself that the general was, +mentally, not quite up to what he had expected to find him. However, +as generals were not always to be judged either by their epistles or +conversation, so the rotund figure, he thought, might prove himself +a dabster in war as well as politics. Further, he did not so much +want a general who would have his own way in every thing, (for then +there was danger of his holding what he got, under the rules of +war,) but rather one whom he could mould and direct according to his +desires. In fine, the man, he thought, might reflect the follies of +a fool, and in the quality of wars he intended to prosecute, be +exactly the general he wanted. The general, on the other hand, +commenced setting himself down as the most fortunate military man of +his day. Indeed, all the pedantry of his extravagant nature was +excited to a degree that made him already begin to contemplate +himself the hero of endless victories. He also cast a stray thought +to old Battle, and fancied himself mounted upon him at the head of a +victorious army, returning proudly home after having demolished +several kingdoms and built up as many republics. He also lost no +time in writing a second letter to his wife Polly, in which he set +forth, with much flourish, that he had been so elevated in the +opinion of the nation, that now he was offered the command of an +army; which he had accepted, and was about to invade the kingdom of +a foreign prince. And this letter he sealed and dispatched with all +possible speed, hoping in his heart that it might reach his wife +Polly in advance of the other. + +When this was done, Mr. Tickler entered, and, after passing the +usual compliments, proceeded, without further ceremony, to write a +note to the landlord of the New York Hotel, returning thanks for his +extreme generosity. But not a word was said about the three dollars. +Mr. Tickler declared it would not do to lisp a word concerning it, +as such would be in direct violation of the rules of etiquette +common at this day. Having despatched the note, the general set +about relating what had taken place between himself and +Glanmoregain, and expressing himself delighted at the opportunity of +so soon displaying his prowess in war. "Faith!" exclaimed Mr. +Tickler, "every merchant will soon get him a general of his own. By +the love of my mother! now it's just struck me: perhaps I can get a +small advance on the strength of my future services? for I am in +arrears with my landlady, whose look of melancholy so admonishes me +every time I enter the house, that I have for more than a week taken +advantage of the back door." The general shrugged his shoulders, +declared the will good enough to render the desired relief, but that +the means were wanting. To be out-spoken, he hinted to Mr. Tickler +that, in the event of joining his service, it must be upon the +condition that he depend on the fortunes of war for his reward. As +to the hostess, he declared that he had not a doubt of her being a +very excellent lady, as hostesses ought to be. Still, he gave it as +his opinion, that it were much better political economy to leave the +poor woman's house with a small bill unpaid, than eat himself into a +large one. He further suggested that when the time came, he pack up +and leave as quietly as possible, neither looking to the right nor +the left, but getting out of the city by the most direct route; and +when a respectful distance was reached, just to drop her a friendly +line, saying he could not find it compatible with his conscience to +longer eat her bread without paying for it, but as soon as fortune +put the means in his way, he would lose no time in rubbing out the +score. + +"Love of my mother!" again ejaculated Tickler, "but your astetics +are well enough. And I like the logic that closes the door on a +small debt, rather than bury a friend with a big one. See that, now, +master general!" + +The preliminaries whereby the adroit critic was to follow the +fortunes of his master, were now arranged, and the agreement signed. +Tickler was to be faithful and obedient to his master, rendering him +such services as the change of events might demand, being content +with rations and clothing until the fortunes of war turned up +something better. + +When night was come, Glanmoregain again made his appearance, having +previously extended an invitation, to escort the general to the +opera. And as Tickler was about to perform so important a part in +his project, he could do no less than invite him also. Vain of the +importance he imagined himself possessing in the eyes of the public, +the general was with some difficulty restrained from mounting his +uniform, which he held necessary, lest he be confounded with some +ordinary individual without claim to popular favor. Having persuaded +him to forego this unnecessary display, the three sallied out +together, and soon arrived at what is curiously called the Academy +of Music, a building which several friends of the writer of this +history, and who are gentlemen of acknowledged taste, declare to be +unexcelled for splendor and beauty of architecture, not even +excepting the La Scala, St. Carlo, Covent Garden, or even the Tacon. +With all deference for the opinions of my accomplished friends, I +must confess that the exterior of the building struck me as a huge, +square mass of brick much disfigured with awkward looking windows +and common place lintels. Indeed, it might easily have been mistaken +for a charity hospital; and in the absence of a front, discovering +the slightest architectural grandeur, bore no small resemblance to +an absurdly constructed barracks. + +Entering what in a church would be designated a vestibule, but which +here served as a convenient place for loitering gentlemen who +speculate in tickets, and the only visible furniture of which had +been reformed down to a cheap chandelier, they passed on through a +narrow baize door, flanked on one side by an oily ticket taker, and +on the other by a fashionably dressed and bearded gentleman, whom +the manager, in his praiseworthy efforts to please a capricious +public, seemed to have placed there for the ostensible purpose of +staring in the faces of ladies, and so circumscribing the width of +the passage as to render it exceedingly difficult of ingress. They +passed on into the "dress circle," where the seats were peculiarly +adapted for making the back ache, and soon found that they had got +behind a huge column, (of which there were many similar ones,) where +no human eye could get a glimpse of the stage, though the +unfortunate visitor paid ten dollars for his seat. As to the +interior of the house, it forcibly reminded me of an immense gypsum +quarry, with rudely excavated galleries, forming such a jumble and +confusion of lines, that it was in vain you looked for an +architectural beauty. Indeed, I venture to assert, that such a huge +conglomerate of plaster and cheap gilt never before decorated one +edifice, and that dedicated to high art. And if the uncouth images, +with limbs of giants and heads of ordinary females, which met the +eye at every turn, were to be accepted in proof of the high standard +of taste at which we had arrived, then surely plaster and gilt ought +to form the motto. Figures of ugly females, in plaster, bore up the +second tier; groups of nymphs, in plaster, stared at you from the +circle borders; grim visaged figures, in plaster, looked tauntingly +at you from the proscenium; a troop of impolite figures, in plaster, +beset you in flank and rear, and haunted you at every turn, as +plaster figures had evidently haunted the imagination of the +architect. In fine, every deficiency seemed compensated with an +image in plaster, or, what was worse, one of those fashionable +society men who sit in dumb show, listening to the melody, without +enjoying the sense or knowing a word of what is being sung. + +A great admirer of this plaster-perfect edifice was my friend, Miss +Kate Suppletongue, who declared to me that though she had been twice +to London and Paris, she had seen nothing equal to the Academy for +grandeur. Tom Slenderstring, of the Brevoort House, too, said +neither the St. Carlos nor the Covent Garden could compare with it +for beauty of design. And Tom was a traveled man, whose verdict the +whole avenue accepted in matters of taste. My disappointment then +was only equaled by the height to which my expectations had been +raised by these excellent authorities. But what grieved me most, for +I am a man of sympathy, was the batteries which had evidently been +committed on these females in plaster forming an advance guard to +the d.c.s circle, and obstructing the view while affecting to +support the upper boxes. I am told that the directors and +stockholders are men of large humanity, whose only vanity lies in +fancying themselves liberal patrons of art, which is pardonable in +gentlemen much given to commerce. I beseech them, then, as they are +christian gentlemen, to look to the distressed condition of these +females, some of whom have lost their noses, others their fingers +and toes, while still others have had curious antics performed with +their bosoms, which would seem to afford no little diversion to +certain females of easy virtue, who, together with the empty seats +of the stockholders, are firm fixtures of the dress circle. My pity +was indeed excited at beholding the large aperture made by some +strange accident in the abdomen of one of these plaster females, and +which aperture a thoughtless young gentleman made a convenient place +for depositing his hat and cane, much to the amusement of those in +the vicinity. + +As the opera (which is familiarly known as that of Lucrezia Borgia) +proceeded, the general, who was not accustomed to this style of +singing, began to think it a mere tilt of voices between the +singers. "Pray, what does it all mean, sir?" said he, turning to Mr. +Tickler with much anxiety, "for I cannot understand a word of it; +and it seems to me there are enough more in the same predicament, +for those who have books I take it cannot find the places." Mr. +Tickler, who affected to have the whole opera at his fingers' ends, +began an explanation of the history and plot of the opera, which, +however, only served to leave the matter more confused in the +general's mind; and he declared he saw no good reason why they +should scream their troubles in a language not one word of which +nineteen-twentieths of the audience could understand. + +"Faith of my father, sir," he continued, "but if the fleshy man +would only stop his screaming, and set to sing 'Auld Lang Syne,' or +something of that sort, it would be much more to my liking. To your +fashionable folks with your fashionable singing, for all me: and let +them who understand it pay for it; to be honest with you, sir, (and +I see you are much given to this sort of singing,) I can make no +more of it than that the fleshy man you call the tenor, and who you +say is no scaly fellow, but a man with whom several damsels have +become enamored, is outdoing the big man you call the basso, in +telling his troubles to the audience, who, I take it, care not a +whit about them, seeing that most of them are keeping up a loud +conversation on matters concerning their neighbors, which is a proof +of their resolution not to let the bawling fellows upon the stage +have it all their own way. As to the moral of the representation, I +have no doubt it is good, as you say; but I hold, that vice is +better shut up in the closet than served out for the amusement of +the young. But lest you say I am not a man of feeling, I can tell +you I pity the tall woman you call the prima donna; and if she would +accept a word of advice from me, I would tell her to so square her +example for the future, that she may be prepared for Heaven when +Death knocks at the door, since she is a lady of so much beauty that +it would be a pity to see her leave this world without redemption. +And as I see the big, fat chorus women are laughing in their skins +at our ignorance of what they say, I would have them take heed lest +they fall into the snare you describe as being set for the square +shouldered damsels you call the atrato." "Contralto!" interrupted +Mr. Tickler. "Well, have it contralto, then; the difference is only +in a word or two, which matters nothing now-a-days. And as to the +opera, I hold it best that we get home and attend to matters +concerning our journey, for I see the two foreign gentlemen on the +stage are for having a fight between themselves; and as it would not +become me, as a military man, to stand by and see any unfair play, +or indeed, to have anything to do with it, let us prove the strength +of our understanding by getting quietly away." During this colloquy +between the general and Mr. Tickler, Glanmoregain had been a quiet +listener; but he was not a little amused at the singular innocence +of the man he was about to entrust with the important office of +overthrowing a kingdom. And although he would have remained to the +end of the opera, which, so far as the principals were concerned, +was really being performed in a very creditable manner, he +accompanied the general to his quarters at the St. Nicholas, where +they, having made such arrangements for the journey as will be +recorded in the following chapter, parted for the night. + + + + + + +CHAPTER XL. + +GENERAL ROGER POTTER AND HIS SECRETARY ARRIVE IN WASHINGTON, TO THE +NO SMALL ALARM OF CERTAIN ADEPTS AND OFFICE SEEKERS. + + + + + +THE general arose on the following morning before the sparrows were +up; and as he had ordered the landlord to have his bill forthcoming, +he found it duly laid on his table, with a balance so ponderous that +he commenced comparing it with the contents of his purse, without at +first being able to comprehend the process that had found him thus +involved. At length he discovered that although the city fathers had +discharged a certain amount of the bill, out of respect of his being +the guest of the city, they had ordered refreshments, (such as wines +and suppers,) at his expense, and to such an extent as to make it +quite clear that he would have saved at least one hundred dollars +had he never seen these worthy dignitaries. In fine, the cunning +fellows took very good care never to honor a guest without making +him pay dear enough for it. But he had enough to square the bill, +and something left; and he would have the landlord know that he was +none of your shabby politicians who lives on hopes and pays their +debts with promises. He therefore paid his bill with an air of +wealth that completely won the landlord's confidence, (for he had +previously entertained no few fears of his bill.) Beside, +circumstances made it necessary for him to leave old Battle until +his return, for which he had stipulated with Glanmoregain, which was +to him a grievous affliction. In truth, General Potter, disordered +as his wits were, regarded old Battle as a perfect safeguard in +every emergency. + +And now as the blushing dawn threw her golden drapery over the +eastern sky, as if to cheer the general on his journey, Mr. Tickler, +panting for breath, and evidently alarmed at something he could not +clearly define, made his appearance, bearing a single valise. + +"Faith, sir," he stammered, "I'm right glad to see you ready, for it +seemed to me that no less than twenty sheriffs and all my creditors +were at my heels." + +"Pray, sir, be not so nervous," replied the general, "for your +life's your own." + +"That may be all true," rejoined the critic; "but let us leave the +argument until we have got safe out of the city, for my conscience +tells me that he who slips his creditors had better be sure of his +heels." + +The two now slipped as slyly as possible to the carriage, and +without stopping to take leave of any one but the landlord, took +their departure for the Camden and Amboy station, Tickler looking +back, and thanking his stars that he had got clear of his creditors. +And as they were pursuing their journey to Philadelphia, Tickler +turned to the general, saying: + +"Though I may have violated the laws of friendship in this little +matter between me and my landlady, I at least breathe freer, and +know that I am an honest man. But! heaven save me, sir, if we should +get shivered to splinters on this road, (which I am told is one +celebrated for the dexterity with which it performs such acts,) what +would be said of me by my enemies, for I have enough, and many of +them are as good critics as can be found!" + +"Have a care for your friends, Mr. Tickler-have a care for your +friends; and let not fear of your enemies carry away your judgment. +Example after me; meet your enemies with sword and pistol, and +settle the matter as becomes gentlemen. Honestly, friend Tickler, I +hold it better a man shut his ears to the sayings of his enemies, +for if they spit him to-day, the praises of his friends will offset +it to-morrow." + +They now continued their journey, and without serious accident or +hinderance of any kind, arrived in Washington before sunset, and +proceeded directly to "Willard's Hotel," that being not only the +most fashionable, but the house at which distinguished politicians +and military men of quality registered their names, though the host +was neither celebrated for his courtesy, nor the politeness of his +servants, nor the excellence of his table. + +"I am General Roger Sherman Potter, commonly called Major Roger +Potter, of whose fame, I take it, you have heard enough said in the +newspapers," spoke the general, addressing a tall, dark +complexioned, and lean visaged man, who was no less a person than +the landlord. After casting a scrutinizing glance at the amount of +baggage his guests had, as was customary with him, (sharpers had +more than once assumed the title of general,) for it was not +considered polite to present a bill until the end of the week, the +landlord replied by saying in a tone of indifference: + +"As to that, sir, perhaps I have, and perhaps I have not; it is not +quite clear to my mind at this moment. It is a difficult matter for +men of our profession to distinguish between generals." The landlord +smiled, and continued his glances up and down the figure before him, +as if contemplating his stupendous belly, as contrasted with the +shape of his turnip head. + +"Heavens! Mr. Landlord, just jog your memory, and see if you don't +find in it a recollection of the ceremonies that have attended me on +my journey here," ejaculated the general, not a little crest-fallen +that the host of so popular an inn had no knowledge of one who had +made himself so famous in politics. + +In fine, the landlord, sharp sighted as he was, puzzled his wits not +a little to find out what manner of men his guests were, for he had +never in his life met so crude a general, with a secretary so +fashionable. The general, however, happened to finger his purse, +which contained several gold coin, the color of which proved an +excellent panacea with the landlord, whose courtesy now knew no +bounds. In truth, he ordered them the best double bedded room in his +second story; and from being somewhat taciturn, was now ready to +vouchsafe a smile and ready reply to all the general's questions, +which were not a few. He then invited them to write their names in +his register, which service the general said he would leave to his +secretary, Mr. Tickler, who performed it with great skill, nor +forgot to add the title, which he fancied would secure them superior +attentions. + +And now, while these preliminaries were performing, numerous +fashionably dressed, but seemingly idle men, gathered about the +general, viewing him with a feeling divided between curiosity and +suspicion. Several military men, too, who prided themselves not a +little on their West Point reputation, cast sneers at him, saying he +could not be much of a general since he had not even heard the drum +beat at the Point. Others said it were impossible so punch bellied a +man could endure the fatigues of war, especially when mounted; while +still others declared he would pass readily for a fool, if, indeed, +he was not one of those sham generals of whom New England had an +infinite number. The whole mob of military men, in fact, affected to +regard him with contempt, and would have prayed Heaven to be rid of +all such intruders, notwithstanding they traveled with secretaries. + +But there was in Washington another, and, perhaps, not less +influential class of men, who took a very different view of the +general, and, before he had been three days in the city, sought by +various impertinent questions to ascertain the object of his visit, +which they professed to have the power to advance. And these men +were lobby agents, correspondents of newspapers, and adepts at all +sorts of schemes for plundering the treasury, which they represented +as a very soft-sided concern, and so easy of access that it only +required a man of undaunted courage to make a breach in it. +Correspondents of newspapers swore by their honor, which was the +cheapest thing they possessed, that if he had a project before +Congress, they could "get it through for him just as easy as the +turning of a mill wheel." Indeed if their declarations were worthy +of reliance, they could make any man famous for a trifle; and as for +members of Congress, they had but to praise them in their epistles +to secure their votes in getting a scheme through. I have never been +set down for a malicious writer; but as these gentlemen +correspondents would have you believe, they had the nation and +Congress in their breeches pockets, I may say, without fear of +contradiction, that the devil never projected a scheme they were not +ready to aid, and equally ready to crook their palms for the trifle +that made it a virtue with them. In fine, I am not so sure that they +would not have enjoined the whole calendar of saints to come forth +and bear testimony to their honesty, though they were abetting a +dozen dishonest schemes. + +The cunning fellows also produced papers containing dispatches +setting forth that General Roger Potter and his secretary had +arrived, and taken rooms at Willard's. One more daring than the +rest, said right in the teeth of truth, that it was reported in +diplomatic circles that General Potter would receive an important +mission as his reward for the great services he had rendered the +democratic party. Finally, after informing the nation, (which they +fancied was as deeply interested as themselves,) that General Roger +Potter's visit to Washington was connected with as many as forty +different things, they came to the very convenient conclusion that +he was really come to ask of Congress compensation for extraordinary +services rendered the government by his dead ancestor, (living ones +he had none,) during the war of 1812, such being very common at this +day. And as nothing could be more fatal to a claim before Congress +than the fact that it was founded in honesty, the lobby screw would +swear by his ability to get all fictitious ones through. This was +the result of that indifference among Congressmen which makes the +distinction between justice and fraud something too insignificant to +waste time over. + +The general declared with all his power of persuasion that he had no +claim before Congress; and Tickler was ready to swear to the truth +of what he said. But divers lobby men and correspondents refused to +be convinced; and after putting an infinite number of questions to +him, swore they would take it up, regardless of its character, and +"rush it through" Congress for twenty five per cent. + +It ought to be mentioned here that the "correspondent" esteems +himself a much more respectable gentleman than the "lobby agent," +whom he affects to hold in virtuous contempt. More than once was the +general warned by these facile gentlemen of the press, not to have +anything to do with the vagabonds of the lobby, who, though they +gave it out that they had Congress between their thumbs, and could +double it up, and mould it exactly to their liking, were regarded by +every member honest enough not to crook his palm more than once +during the session, as so many buzzards resolved on having carrion. + +The general had, however, been advised by Glanmoregain to slip a +trifle into the palms of certain correspondents, to the end that +their praise could do no harm, and might do much good. + +Now there was living in Washington about this time, one Ben +Stretcher, a man of wonderful genius, and a correspondent of no less +than five very enterprising newspapers, for all of which he +manufactured wars and diplomatic irruptions with a facility that +would have put Lord Stratford de Radcliffe to the blush. Stretcher +knew everbody in Washington, and everybody in Washington knew +Stretcher. If an enterprising gentleman came to Washington with the +very harmless and common inclination of plucking the government, +Stretcher was sure to make his acquaintance, and equally sure to +find out what feathers he had, and how best they could be plucked. +Wearing his beard after the manner of an apostle, and having a +countenance into which he could infuse an air of great wisdom, Ben +was sure to insinuate himself into the good graces of every new +comer, to whom he would confide all the secrets of the government, +which he carried about on his head, as a negro does a basket of +apples. His skill at manufacturing state secrets was, however, +equaled only by his skill for finding out state secrets. The +President never acted on important state affairs without first +consulting him. As to cabinet ministers, he was not only the +intimate friend and adviser of the whole batch, but swore he had +them all so completely at his bidding, (being called on frequently +to rectify their blunders,) that no foreign appointment could be +made without his consent. Indeed, Ben Stretcher never failed to +assert, while drinking his punch, that nothing was mo re easy than +to double up Congress, Administration, Cabinet, and the whole mob of +office givers, put them in one's pocket, and walk quietly off. Ben's +greatest wisdom was, however, displayed to great advantage in the +facility with which he gave to the country matters of grave +importance that were to be transacted at various cabinet meetings in +prospective. In truth, he often made the government cut a sorry +figure in the eyes of those not familiar with the art of making +state secrets; for being "especial" correspondent of the numerous +enterprising newspapers I have referred to, he will to-day frighten +the country with an "exclusive" dispatch to the Daily Discoverer, +revealing the momentous fact (?) that a war with England was +inevitable; while with equal grandeur of equanimity, he will +to-morrow assert that there is not the slightest cause to fear "a +disturbance of the friendly intercourse now existing between this +country and Great Britain." And these wonderful prophecies, together +with extraordinary state secrets, he would vary every day, according +to the demands of the public and his own taste. Lucky, indeed, were +the journals having Ben Stretcher or a getter up of "startling" +news, and many were they who sought to engage his services. It was, +nevertheless, curious to see how Ben, smiling within himself, would, +in a third dispatch, assert that all his prophecies had been +verified, though, heaven knows, he was generally as far off the +truth as the poles are from the equator. + +In order not to lose time in paying his respects to so distinguished +a general, and a gentleman who, no doubt, had important business +with Congress, where his services might find employment, Ben took +the earliest opportunity to make a formal call one day; but finding +only Mr. Tickler at home, he relieved his disappointment in a +colloquy, which will be recorded in the next chapter. + + + + + + +CHAPTER XLI. + +IN WHICH IS RECORDED A CURIOUS CONVERSATION THAT TOOK PLACE BETWEEN +STRETCHER, TICKLER, AND THE GENERAL, AND WHAT THEY THOUGHT OF THE +STATE OF THE NATION. + + + + + +MR. STRETCHER entered the general's room with his head canted toward +his left shoulder, his countenance wearing an air of great wisdom, +his hat in his left hand, and the fingers of his right to his beard. +"I take the liberty of introducing myself, sir," he spoke, and bowed +with becoming courtesy. "Ben Stretcher, that is my name, which, +perhaps, is familiar enough to you, being so well known in +Washington." + +"Lord bless me! why, the name is familiar enough, God knows; and +it'll not be sayin' much to tell you that my own name is Orlando +Tickler, a critic who has fame enough in New York, and of whom I +take it you have heard mention." + +"Permit me to say, sir, that I am truly happy to meet one so +distinguished. As for the name, a household word was never more +familiar to me." They now shook each other warmly by the hand, and +after exchanging numerous compliments, took seats, and commenced to +converse freely upon various subjects connected with the affairs of +the Union. And when they were agreed exactly as to its disorders, +and had fifty different remedies they were ready to apply whenever +the nation demanded their services, Mr. Stretcher said to Mr. +Tickler, "And now, sir, as I am a man fond of rendering service to +persons in need, I am come (according to the rules of courtesy) to +pay my respects to the general, of whom it is reported that he is +come to Washington in search of an important mission. It gives me +infinite pleasure, however, to meet his secretary. Now I would +suggest to the general that I may be of great service to him, for I +am a correspondent of not less than five newspapers, and can make +the Administration do my bidding." + +"Faith," ejaculatated Mr. Tickler, in reply, "I am glad enough to +hear what you say, for my master has need enough of your services to +get the mission; and I may tell you in confidence that I have much +cause of despairing, for although I know but little of my master, +except what I get through the newspapers, I already begin to see +that he is simpleton enough for anything, and no little of a knave." + +"You astonish me!" interrupted Mr. Stretcher, thoughtfully. + +"Faith of my father," resumed Tickler, folding his arms, "I see +nothing to be astonished at, for I take it any simpleton may set up +for a statesman, and if he have but a fair mixture of the knave to +throw in, he may carry the gifts of the government in his breeches +pockets; also, if the devil do not carry him off in one of his +pranks, he will no doubt distinguish himself as a foreign minister." +Here Mr. Tickler paused for a moment, and then bid the gentleman of +the five newspapers, and all the administration, to remember that +these remarks were made in confidence. + +"I confess, Mr. Tickler," replied Mr. Stretcher, "I admire your +plain manner of speech. But you surprise and astonish me with what +you say of the soundness of the general's understanding. In truth, +sir, though I know something of the arts practiced by editors in +making famous politicians, I had read a speech or two made by the +general and upon the wisdom therein contained set him down for a +profound scholar, and no small statesman. However, this I will say, +and pledge my reputation on the truth of it, that if he be no +scholar, but simply an unmitigated mixture of Jew and simpleton, it +will rather improve than damage his prospects for the best foreign +mission in the gift of the government. Do not mistake me, sir; for I +would not say a damaging word of our excellent President, whose too +great goodness of heart may account for his lack of discretion; but +he has a passion for bestowing gifts on Jews and simpletons, of +which history affords no example!" + +"Faith of my father! if that be the case, then my master will get as +fat a slice as any of them," rejoined Tickler, rising from his seat +with regained spirits, and grasping the other warmly by the hand. +"And now, seeing that we fellow kindred professions, we will be free +in our advances, and settle this matter over a punch." Mr. Tickler +rang the bell, and when the servant appeared, ordered two stout +punches. Having exchanged compliments, and commenced sipping at +their straws, Mr. Tickler touched the man of the newspapers +confidentially on the arm, and whispered in his ear, that not having +a dollar to his pocket, he began to think General Roger Potter, as +he was called, had brought him to a whistling market, on a fool's +errand. "Honestly, friend," he continued, "I was when you entered +thinking how best to escape the landlord, for I see he is a sharp +fellow; and this paying two dollars and three quarters a day is a +thing not so easily done with an empty pocket." + +"A very common thing, a very common thing, Mr. Tickler; and though +the wits of the landlord are sharp enough, it is no rare thing for +him to get shorn by those who seek meat-offerings of the +government." + +Here Tickler's mind seemed to run back to a subject upon which it +was wont to dwell-the style of his dress. And, throwing himself back +in his chair, he raised his right foot upon his left knee, and +inquired of Mr. Stretcher how he liked the style of his boots, which +were of the brightest leather, and so tight that when he walked, it +was with the caution of one stepping upon eggs, and in fear of +having to pay for the broken ones. Stretcher expressed himself +delighted. In truth, he was not long in discerning the critic's +little weaknesses; and to the end of flattering them, told him that +he was in every particular of dress, the most stylish gentleman it +had been his good fortune to meet for many a day. And this so +pleased Mr. Tickler, that he would have ordered a second punch, but +that the adept declared it was a custom with him never to drink more +than one, not even with his oldest friends. + +And though Stretcher drank his punch freely enough, he was somewhat +disappointed at the developments made by the critic concerning his +master. As for the secretary, he set him down in his heart as not +only a curious specimen of pedantry, but the most fashionable poor +gentleman he had ever seen in search of office; and heaven knows he +had seen enough of them. + +"It is said of the general," spoke Stretcher, laconically, as he set +down his glass and commenced to stroke his beard, "that he has means +enough at his command!" + +"Upon my faith I know but little of his means, except that I have +seen him with a purse full of gold, which is saying something for +his means. And he pays readily enough for all he gets, which is +more." + +Mr. Tickler said this with such an air of self-confidence, that +Stretcher immediately began to exhibit signs of anxiety, and was +proceeding to make further inquiries, when the door opened and +General Roger Potter stalked in, quite out of breath from the excess +of heat. Mr. Tickler having drained his punch to the bottom, +proceeded without further ceremony to introduce Mr. Stretcher, +undertaking at the same time to give the general an account of his +business, as also the wonderful influence he had over the various +heads of departments. The general expressed great delight at meeting +so influential a gentleman; and seeing that he had the government +between his thumbs, at once intimated a desire to engage his +services. Not to be outdone in courtesy, Mr. Stretcher expressed +great delight at meeting so distinguished a General. "It would +neither become me, nor the profession to which I belong to speak of +myself; for though I have gained fame enough in politics, my +military reputation stands so high with the nation that no man can +take it down," spoke the general. + +"For that matter you speak true enough, Sir," replied Mr. Stretcher, +smiling and bowing blandly; "and, as I was just saying to your +secretary, you have served the party like a patriot, and deserve +well of the government. If it is an office you seek, why, you have +only to name it, and I warrant it shall be safe in your pocket in +forty-eight hours." + +"Since you are capable of such extraordinary achievements, upon my +soul, sir, you are just the man for my business." + +"I can tell you, general, no man can say of Ben Stretcher that he +ever betrayed his trust; no man can say of Ben Stretcher that he +cannot twist the government round his thumbs; and no man can say of +Ben Stretcher that he artfully connived at doing wrong; for he knows +his thread of life has not long to run. Truly, sir, though many a +man has tried hard enough to bring me down to his own level, not one +has yet been found to raise his finger against my honor; and if you +engage my services, I warrant to give you proof enough of my +qualifications." + +The general listened attentively to the adept's remarks, and after a +short pause, spoke and said, "And now, sir, seeing that you have +sufficient endowments for my business, before proceeding further in +this matter we will have a punch; for that will soften the heart, +and at the same time give such light to the mind, as will enable us +to talk the matter over pleasantly." + +After turning to Mr. Tickler and apologizing for having declined a +second punch with him, he then made his compliments to the general, +saying that as the occasion was a rare one he would make an +exception to what was otherwise a firmly established principle with +him. + +"Faith," interposed Mr. Tickler, on hearing the punch suggested, +"you both talk like men of the world and scholars; for a punch is a +mighty potent in matters of this kind." + +The punches were up in a trice; and while Mr. Stretcher and the +general debated their affairs over them, Mr. Tickler quietly sipped +his in the corner. + +"To be honest with you," spoke the general, addressing Mr. +Stretcher, "I am come here in the hope of getting a reward for my +services, which is no uncommon thing; and as I take it there are +many worse men than me serving the country, I flatter myself I stand +a fair chance, seeing that my expectations are neither extravagant +nor unwise. I am also of opinion that a man should think more of his +country and less of his pocket; and to that end it will content me +to be sent a commissioner to the King of the Kaloramas, though it +would be natural enough not to refuse the mission to the Tuilleries. +As for the secretaries, I have paid my respects to the whole batch; +and though they are willing enough to say good things of me, and to +extol my political achievements, they say pleasantly enough that the +commonwealth could not do without me, and, therefore, that I must +stay quietly at home. In short, they tell me that only such talent +as is worthless at home can be spared to go abroad. The president I +found a most excellent gentleman, ready to gratify my wishes, and to +give me at least six of the seven missions in his gift. In truth, I +found him a person ready to please in various ways, and take it that +he has a liking for adorers, such as have little scruple in +lavishing praise upon his well regulated government, the solidity of +which, it is well enough to say, he has raised a pitch higher than +any of his predecessors." + +"You have it, exactly!" interrupted Mr. Stretcher. "He is possessed +of wonderful faith; and if you want a favor of him you have only to +ply him with such toys and trinkets as you have named to secure it. +If, however, (and I take what you say for truth,) you are patient +enough to be content with a commissionship to the King of the +Kaloramas, there will be no more trouble about the matter than the +making of a bird cage." + +"Ah, sir! but how am I to reward you for your services? for a man is +not expected to be a philanthropist in these matters, and my wife +Polly Potter always said it was cheaper that a man pays for what he +gets," returned the general. The adept charged the general to give +himself no concern about that little matter, but merely to set it +down for an after consideration. And to this they both agreed, and +emptied their punches in the full belief that they were +all-bountiful in the power of constructing commonwealths and +managing governments. "Faith, it is just come to my mind that the +president good-naturedly advised me to forthwith transmit my +application in writing to the State Department," spoke the general, +as if just waking to a sense of his obligations. To this Stretcher +said nothing was more essential, and as much depended on the style +and wording of the application (at which he had experienced enough), +he enjoined the general to delay this matter until the following +morning, when he would arrange it to his liking. Mr. Stretcher then +took his leave, consoling himself that he had got a fleece of great +value. And now as the limits of my chapter are exhausted, I must beg +the reader to turn to the next for what took place on the following +morning. + + + + + + +CHAPTER XLII. + +WHICH RECORDS THE SINGULAR CHARACTER OF THE APPLICATION MADE BY +GENERAL ROGER POTTER FOR AN OFFICE, AND HOW HE IS SENT MINISTER TO +THE KING OF THE KALORAMAS, THAT BEING THE EASIEST METHOD OF GETTING +RID OF HIM. + + + + + +STRETCHER, after having looked in at the State Department, where he +extolled the qualifications of General Roger Potter in language that +would have astonished Cicero and put Lycurgus to the blush, busied +himself the greater portion of the night in preparing the general's +application for the mission to the King of the Kaloramas, a nation +of savages few had heard of, and yet fewer visited. In short, I may +mention here that the only benefit the government expected to derive +from going to the great expense of sending a minister to Kalorama +was that the savage, whom divers renegades had set up for a King, +might have a guano island or two, which by some well-directed trick +could be fritted away from him; while, having impressed him with the +greatness of our prowess, he would hold it good policy to keep his +peace. With a ponderous document, then, covering some forty pages of +foolscap, and minutely setting forth all the great political results +achieved by the general, and upon which he based his claims to the +high consideration of the administration, Mr. Stretcher, not a +little vain of his skill in drafting such instruments, entered the +general's room early on the following morning, and found him in +consultation with his Secretary, who was writing a letter to the +Secretary of State, of which the following is an exact copy:- +"Willard's Hotel, July 7th, 185-. "TO HIS EXCELLENCY THE SECRETARY +OF STATE: + +"Being informed by my friend, the President of these United States, +who has given me no few assurances of his inclination to serve me, +that it was to you all those in search of rewards for their +endeavors must address themselves, I take it you will not set me +down for a maker of wheel-barrows when you read this, my application +for the mission to the King of Kalorama, which God knows is but a +trifle, though I am willing to accept it out of respect for the man +who is ready to die honest, and has no itching for what money he may +get of his country. As to my qualifications, I take it you know +enough of them already. But this I will say, that I am not a man to +betray a trust, nor am I trickey; which is more than all of your +ministers can say of themselves! In short, if your excellency would +know all about that, I can refer you to Barnstable, where I am set +down for a peaceable neighbor and as good a Christian as any of +them. But I have heard it said that diplomacy was only a tissue of +scheming to get the advantage over a weak neighbor; therefore it is +as well to be silent on my Christianity, seeing that such is not +adapted to the business required of a good minister. And though I am +ready to pledge my military reputation (which I got in Mexico) +neither to get into controversies with editors, nor to fight duels +for what may be said of my wife Polly's muslin; nor indeed to cut up +such queer pranks with all who come in my way that I shall be +wondered at; nor to leave my debts unpaid, which is common enough +with our young diplomatists, I will give battle to all sorts of +wickedness which is the mother of despotism. This last I say because +I have a Damascus blade that achieved wonders in Mexico, and to this +day is as good as new. Grant but my request, and I will see well to +this savage. And if he behave like a gentleman there shall be peace +between us; but if he be obstinate, and cut up capers, and put +himself upon his dignity, then I engage to get as many of his +Islands as you shall command, which, judging from the gravity of +your nature, I am sure you will value as so many pearls. But I pray +your excellency to say to my friend the President that I have a rare +talent for conducting governments, and am in favor of taking Cuba by +the beard without all this coaxing round the bush, which reminds me +of the means used to decoy a tender-hearted virgin. In short, as to +that, I will turn my back to no man for my faith in what destiny +owes us, and pray that the whole continent may soon be ours. + +"Having said thus much, please write me down a man who will fulfill +his promises, though sent to the remotest end of the earth. And here +let me mention that it is reported of the administration that it has +a passion for making ministers of unconverted Jews, and such other +shabby politicians as the country can well spare. Now, though it may +damage my prospects, I will tell you honestly that General Roger +Potter never during his whole life trafficked in cheap gallantry and +old uniforms. Truly, your excellency, I am neither Jew nor shabby +gentleman, but as honest a Christian as can be found; and for that +matter take it that my claim to the apples ought at least to be +equal. + +"As a recommendation of great value, I have been advised to state +that I have no language at my tongue's end but my own; and, in +truth, that needs much polishing. And most likely this savage king +will be found in the same predicament, which is well for him; for if +he had a whole Babylon of tongues in his head, like the three +learned executioners of Putnam's Magazine, the devil would get his +kingdom and leave him a beggar. Now as this savage can only speak +his own tongue, you may fancy the solitude that must yawn between +us. We may say what we please of one another without rendering our +actions dangerous. Faith, as my Secretary says, it seems to me we +may entertain a mutually magnificent opinion of each other without +danger of disturbing the dragons. And if we commit blunders it will +be convenient to charge them all to the deficiency of our tongues. + +"And now, your excellency, if these qualifications be not enough, +pray remember that I have as many more in store. Be not timorous in +the matter, but ponder well over my claims to your consideration; +and if it please you to grant my prayer, I will accept the boon with +as many thanks as you may demand. "Your Excellency's Humble Servant, +"GENERAL ROGER SHERMAN POTTER." + +"Heavens, sir!" exclaimed the accommodating Mr. Stretcher, as the +general read to him what he had prepared, "but you have left the +perfecting of this business to me. Let me beseech you, then, not to +dispatch such a letter, for I am not the man to question your +abilities; but having got the matter in train, you must not knock +the fruit down before it is ripe. Here your honor will find a +document in every way suited to the purpose." Mr. Stretcher here +produced a ponderous paper, wherein every speech made by the general +was carefully referred to, and also no end of political achievements +set down to his credit; such, in fine, as would have defied the +skill of a dozen politicians of such inferior calibre as Clay and +Webster. The general seemed a little chary of this big document, +and took it in his fingers somewhat reluctantly. And as he did so, +Mr. Tickler, who until then had remained silent, spoke up and said, +"By my faith, gentlemen, had the matter been left to me, they should +have had proof of my knowledge of Latin in the sentences, for I have +heard it said that Secretaries of State are fond of it. But I will +smoke my cigar and leave the rest to you." + +"As for your Latin, friend Tickler," replied the general, affecting +to read the ponderous document Stretcher was waiting in great +anxiety for a verdict upon, "we will say no more about that, for it +occurs to me you made it do good service at the New York Hotel." +This so put the matter at rest with Mr. Tickler that he held his +peace and smoked his cigar. "Upon my word, sir," resumed the +general, addressing himself to Mr. Stretcher, "it will be a perilous +adventure to send so ponderous a document to the State Department +when business is pressing and time precious. Being a timid man, the +secretary will lay it over for to-morrow, and to-morrow he will +think no more of it. But suppose we compromise this matter, Mr. +Stretcher. Let both documents be sent, and if one have virtue, +surely two cannot fail to effect our object." + +"Surely, general, you are blind to your own interests, and respect +not my reputation," replied Mr. Stretcher, going right into a +passion, and so far forgetting what belonged to good manners as to +say he verily believed the general a trifling simpleton, who was +resolved on making an ass of himself in the eyes of the +administration, as well as doing him (Stretcher) out of the pay for +his services. And this so excited the ire of the general, who was +scrupulous of his honor, as well as vain of his good understanding, +that he forthwith proceeded to take down his sword, swearing to have +summary vengeance of the man who dared to cast such reflections upon +his dignity. Seeing this Mr. Stretcher took to his heels, the +general saying it was well he did or he had cleft him in two pieces. +And while the excited general stood brandishing his sword in the +door, Mr. Stretcher shouted back from a corner of the passage, that +unless his demand for services, which were two hundred dollars, be +settled at high noon, he would see what virtue there was in the law. + + + + + + +CHAPTER XLIII. + +WHICH RECORDS HOW THE GENERAL GOT HIS COMMISSION, AND RETURNED TO +NEW YORK, WITH SEVERAL OTHER THINGS COMMON TO POLITICIANS. + + + + + +SEVERAL days had elapsed, the general's letter was before the +cabinet, and many were the speculations as to what sort of a mission +a man with such strange intellect was capable of filling. It must be +confessed that his letter afforded the cabinet no little diversion; +indeed, many were the members who marvelled at the queer mixture of +sense and nonsense it contained. And the more they amused themselves +in pondering over it, the more did they seem to find veins of good +sense concealed in it. If, then, one agreed he was fool enough to be +harmless in his associations with the people to whom he might be +accredited, certainly if sent to some obscure and remote part of the +earth, he had sense enough for the small service that would be +required of him as a diplomatist. And as a dumb man could perform +some excellent parts when left to himself, and was sure not to get +into mischief from the too free use of his tongue, so also would +there be peace between nations, the representatives of which would +not understand each other. Another agreed that it were strange +indeed that a man who had been so feted by the authorities of New +York, and was represented by the newspapers as having rendered such +important services to his party should apply for a mission so +obscure. But on further consideration this was set down to his +credit; for it was held that though he might be wild and extravagant +in some things, he had at least the virtue of being modest in his +demands, which was rare in office-seekers at this day. Further, +there could not be a doubt but that he was one of those persevering +gentlemen who would give the department much annoyance with his +importunities, and the shortest method of getting rid of him would +be to give him the mission. It was, therefore, jocularly agreed to +grant his prayer; and the Secretary was forthwith charged to prepare +his instructions and provide him with the necessary credentials. + +A few days passed, and divers correspondents of newspapers famous +for getting early news flashed over the wires, to the no small +surprise of the nation, the important intelligence that General +Roger Sherman Potter was appointed "charge de affairs" to the King +of the Kaloramas. And this bit of very important news set many +gentlemen well-read in geography to puzzling their wits to find out +the exact location of this wonderful kingdom. Nor could they divine +what benefit it was to be the good fortune of our government to +derive from such a strange mission, though diplomacy had so many +intricate labyrinths that it were impossible for the ordinary mind +to keep trace of all its objects. If, thought many, Kalorama were a +wild of uncultivated deserts, upon which the burning rays of a +tropical sun beat without clemency, he who would face its terrors +must have the courage of a dragon. But none of these trifles +disturbed the equanimity of the general, who regarded this +appointment in the light of another feather in his fame. He also had +the good sense not to go into raptures over his appointment; but to +follow out the instructions given him by Glanmoregain, who took a +more comprehensive, if not a strictly diplomatic, view of the matter +and its future results. + +The government did, also, in the kindest manner, grant the general's +prayer that Mr. Tickler (of whose gallantry and great learning he +spoke in praises that would have secured a dozen appointments,) be +appointed his secretary. Nothing then remained but the approval of +the Senate; and as he reposed quite as much in his extraordinary +value to the nation as that wonderful Wall Street general who now +and then sends forth a whole gasometer of diplomacy from his little +sanctum, so also did he, having got his appointment safe between his +thumbs, snap his fingers at the Senate. In truth, he set an +extravagant value upon his worth to the nation, and the honor that +would be conferred upon it in having so great a general to represent +it abroad! His most absorbing thought, then, was how he could make +the most speed in getting to the place of his appointment, where he +already began to fancy himself committing no end of diplomatic +exploits, as a pink and flower of a general ought to do. + +And now, feeling the tremendous demands of the nation upon his +shoulders, and fancying every eye turned upon him, he drew his chair +beside Tickler one day, and spoke as follows: "Friend, you shall +know more of me when you have been longer in my service. I have +already made you a great man; for as you know by this time, the +office of Secretary to my legation is great enough in all +conscience. Some men have a stomach for office like a cormorant, +which is a serious scourge to the nation. Pray, sir, if you have a +turn that way, get rid of it before another moon." + +"By my honor, general, I've no such craving; for I was content +enough before I saw you to live a poor critic, and never thought of +being a Secretary. But tell me, what sort of a king is this we are +sent to; for with all my reading I have never heard of him before?" + +"By Heavens, sir! I know as little of him as yourself; but I take it +he is a savage who it will require some fighting before he yields to +all the demands I shall make of him." + +"Now as to this fighting, your honor may excuse me; for though I +have knocked a man or two down with my stick, and will turn my back +to no man in valor at pen-fighting, I have no liking for these +knives and pistols, for at best there is only an inch or two between +them and a man's life." + +"You must cultivate your courage, friend Tickler; you must cultivate +your courage!" interposed the general, as Mr. Tickler quietly drew a +fresh cigar from his pocket. "The day is come when, if a man would +live in a mansion, he must have an undaunted heart, and courage +enough to commend himself to whatever may turn to his advantage. You +shall have chances enough to fill your pockets with gold. And now +that we have these government matters to attend to, you shall soon +see that General Roger Potter can manage a nation as well as any of +them, if the clergy but let him alone." + +"As to the gold, general, I pray the day may soon come; for I like +to feel something in my pocket, which is lean enough now," rejoined +the critic, casting an anxious look at his chief. + +"Trust to fortune, and I warrant you a castle and so much gold that +every malicious scribbler you have had a tilt with shall speak ill +of you." + +Tickler was inclined to look upon the castle as one of those he had +so many times built of air, and declared that in addition to not +having enough to buy a cigar, he had several times caught the +landlord's eye, and knew that his bill was uppermost in his +thoughts. + +"Remember, friend," resumed the general, "the law will not let him +hang you; and as he has been paid for one week, I take it there will +be no moral harm if you shell him out of the rest, as you did the +widow. Nor does it discover great valor in a man that he arm himself +with his fears instead of his sword. It is necessary that you be +firm and fearless, never for a moment deserting your chief, and +always standing ready to do his bidding, if it be to make his +enemies dance." + +"Love of my mother, sir!" ejaculated Tickler, "you would not have me +shell this landlord; for then it would get into the newspapers, and +I'd be set down for a great rogue." + +"Sharp fellow as he is, I take you, friend Tickler, for a sharper. +And as you had skill enough to shell a widow, pray let your +inclination take a natural turn, and if you cannot shell this fellow +out of so small a trifle, then I am much mistaken in your qualities +for a diplomatist; for I can tell you that it is come a fashion at +this day for all our first-class secretaries to get well in debt, +and then leave their creditors to whistle. Now, as my purse is +getting low, and it will not do to let the nation suffer, do you +pack up a couple of shirts, and heeding nobody, pass down the +avenue, affecting the unconcern of the new member from Georgia; and +when you have reached the cars (if any man say aught, tell him you +are seeing a friend off) go quietly away in them, thanking Heaven +for the bountiful examples that have been set you by high officials. +Here! here are ten dollars; get speedily away, and I will join you +in Baltimore. Fail not to meet me, for the nation needs all our +efforts, and this is no time to trifle." + +Tickler revolved this matter over and over in his mind; then he +remembered how many ladies there were esteeming him for a gallant +Irish gentleman. If this affair got into the newspapers, he thought, +it might seriously damage him with the sex, of whose good opinion +none could be more scrupulous. Suddenly he remembered that he was +now Secretary of Legation, and with the examples set by several of +his illustrious predecessors, he was not long in concluding there +could be no harm in taking to his heels, and letting the landlord's +concern about his bill offset for the shabby table he set. Also, the +general had promised to make him as good a soldier as he had been a +critic! And the ten dollars would, if he chanced not to meet some +damsel of his acquaintance by the way, be enough for him to live +fashionably for at least a week. + +"It is well enough to think of your honor, friend Tickler; I think +none the worse of you for that. But when you have disappeared I will +raise my hands and swear there has been foul play; that you have +been waylaid and despatched (having a full purse in your pocket) by +those murdering villains who infest the city; that the government +had better bestir itself in the matter." Thus spoke the general; and +soon they settled the matter between them, and Mr. Tickler, +consoling himself that the landlord was a shabby fellow, proceeded +forthwith to the cars, and was soon on the road to Baltimore. + +Several days elapsed, and, as might naturally be expected, a great +stir was made about Mr. Tickler's strange disappearance, concerning +which the general expressed great anxiety, offering to put up at +least a thousand dollars as a reward to any person who would clear +up the mystery. One declared he had seen Tickler in company with +General Sam Houston; another was willing to swear in court that he +saw him last in the company of Senator Douglas; and still another +would have sworn he saw him on the day after his departure in the +company of one Dabney Grimkey, a writer of sensation novels; and +that both were entering a house of suspicious character, on the +island, the inmates of which ought all to be arrested and made to +give an account of themselves. Indeed, simpleton as the major was, +he had cunning enough for the whole of them, and initiated his +diplomatic career by dispelling all their suspicions. I ought, +however, to except the landlord, whose experience in such matters +caused him to have a misgiving that all was not exactly right. + +When then General Potter gave notice of his intended departure, and +demanded his bill, the clever landlord was careful to add the amount +due from Mr. Tickler. This was quickly disputed, and as there was no +law by which the host could compel payment, and the general declared +he was a gentleman who only bore him company out of sheer +politeness, he set to rubbing his palms in disappointment, swore no +few oaths, and promised himself to be careful in future how he +entertained generals traveling with secretaries. To all this the +general remained unconcerned; and having but little baggage, took +his departure for New York, Mr. Stretcher, who had been minutely +watching his movements, following the carriage and importuning for +the amount of his demand for services rendered as an adept. But the +general only snapped his fingers, and reminded the adept that it was +agreed between them to let so small an affair remain "an after +consideration." + + + + + + +CHAPTER XLIV. + +WHICH TREATS OF A GRIEVOUS DISAPPOINTMENT, AS WELL AS MANY THINGS OF +GREAT INTEREST THAT TOOK PLACE ON THE GENERAL'S RETURN TO NEW YORK. + + + + + +IT was evening when the general reached Baltimore, thanking Heaven +that he was safe out of a city where it was the fashion with +gentlemen who were not sharp enough to fleece the government to turn +upon and fleece one another, and to let strangers look elsewhere for +mercy. Elated that he was a minister, our hero took up his valise +and straightway proceeded to the Gilmore House, since it would not +do for so famous a diplomatist to put up at one of your shabby +hotels. And here, having entered with all the pomp of his nature, he +slyly whispered to the clerk who he was, and desired that he would +enter his name in this wise: "General Roger Sherman Potter, Minister +Plenipotentiary to the King of the Kaloramas." And this delicious +bit of rodomontade being satisfactorily performed, it was with great +difficulty the bystanders could restrain their laughter. Then the +stubby little figure, casting a half-simple glance at every one he +met, waddled up and down the hall, looking in curiously at every +open door, and at times vouchsafing a bow to those he never had seen +before. And when he had hobbled about to his satisfaction, he +approached the desk and anxiously inquired of the clerk for his +secretary, Mr. Tickler; but to his surprise and great disappointment +no one at that house had heard aught of such a person. + +The general was now much concerned about his secretary. All sorts of +things evil and suspicious did he fancy; but they only served to +increase his anxiety. In truth, it now seemed that what he had only +intended for a joke when leaving Willard's might turn out a very +serious affair. Some prowling villain might have slyly put him out +of the way, and there was an end to all the pains and expense he had +been at to instruct him in the ways of a good secretary. There was a +bare possibility, however, that much as the affairs of the nation +required their undivided attention, Mr. Tickler, who had in more +than one instance given proof of having a touch of the gallantry +common to the true Irish gentleman in his composition, might have +fallen in with some damsel whose charms were stronger than the +demands of the nation. But as he had reposed great trust in his +secretary, so also did he find it no very difficult task to banish +these suspicions. When then he had eaten his supper, which he did in +great tribulation, he sallied out in the hope of obtaining some +tidings of him at the various inns throughout the city. But the +search proved fruitless, and he returned to the Gilmore, still more +puzzled to find an explanation for so strange a mystery. He went to +bed when bed-time came; but it was only to dream of wonderful +exploits performed by himself in foreign lands, and awake to lament +the loss of his secretary. + +When then morning came he took his departure, proceeding by the +early train to New York; for he held it good policy to get away as +speedily as possible, lest his arrival get noised over the city and +he be called upon to address some public assemblage, which might put +him to great inconvenience in the absence of his secretary; for +though he boasted that he had a profound way of his own for +effecting purposes, he was not expert at fine writing. + +While then the train swept onward toward Philadelphia, various +reflections crowded upon the general's mind, and he said to himself: +"Perhaps it had been as well for me to have allowed the fellow fixed +wages; for, being a critic, which means that he is not a man to +comprehend the greatness of rewards that may be in the future, he +might have said, 'Heaven help me!' and taken to his old business." +Again it flashed across his mind that if Tickler's courage was not +quite up to the mark, he might have decided to try the virtue of his +heels now, rather than trust them when facing a villainous enemy on +the field of battle. But all these speculations proved mere +hauntings of the brain; since when he arrived at the Girard House in +Philadelphia, he found to his great surprise that "Mr. and Mrs. +Tickler" had stopped to take dinner while passing that way a couple +of days ago. "Faith of my father!" exclaimed the general, laughing +in his sleeve, "either some one has told me, or I have read it in +books, that all really good secretaries have a turn for these little +gallantries. And if I understand the matter right, it is an +excellent proof that he has the capacity for as great a secretary as +any of them. In short, I have no doubt but that he is possessed of +the rare faculty of giving his head to the nation, and his heart to +as many damsels as may have a liking for it." + +Being informed that his secretary had taken the road to New York, +the general was further encouraged by the hope of meeting him there, +and therefore proceeded on his journey without further concern, +arriving at the St. Nicholas in due season, to the great delight of +every guest in the house. Days and even weeks rolled past, but no +tidings could be got of Mr. Tickler. His faithful horse was there, +and had so improved as to conduct himself quite like a youth. Even +his pig had not proved untrue to him. In short, Duncan was a great +favorite with the public, and so many good opinions had been given +of him by the critics, that Barnum proposed to purchase him +outright, to the end that he might make him a feature of his museum. +And although he offered for him a sum large enough to send three +missionaries to Africa, the general said that the affection he bore +the animal was such that he could not think of parting with him. +Indeed, everything but the general's secretary seemed to have +remained true to him. He now began to feel himself overwhelmed with +responsibilities; for while he fancied the nation demanding great +things of him on one side, the Administration urged him to prepare +for Kalorama without delay. But what made the loss of Tickler more +overwhelming was, that numerous and very distinguished political +friends called to congratulate him on his appointment, which they +described as sure to result in important advantages to the nation. +Not a few proposed giving a banquet in honor of him on the eve of +his departure-a custom which had become so common at this day that +no distinguished minister ever thought of leaving without it. But +this the general serenely declined, giving as a reason that he had +heard it said how the gentlemen most busy in getting up these +banquets left the payment to him who got the glory. He also had a +slight recollection of what it cost him for the homage of the city +fathers, and resolved to keep his fingers out of the pitch-pot for +the future. + +Like a good husband and a true hero, he visited his wife Polly, +comforted her with a purse of gold and various other things, and +gave her such a wonderful account of his successes as to make her +doubt her senses. He also congratulated her that she was now the +wife of a foreign minister, which would afford her the means of +sending their son to the academy and their daughters to boarding +school, where they would learn to play the piano, and be as fine as +any of your ladies. But the good woman was affected to tears when he +told her of the great distance between Barnstable and Kalorama, and +only consented to his departure for that distant dominion out of +respect to what every good woman ought to sacrifice for the benefit +of her country. While, however, the thinking people of Barnstable +were at a loss to know by what means he had got such an office, and +were inclined to set it down for a joke of some waggish fellows in +Washington, who were intent on testing the quality of the government +for giving offices to fools, little Barnstable turned out in full +force, and without the slightest respect for the great change in his +fortunes, persisted in offering him a full measure of that species +of ovation it was wont to pay him in times gone by. + +Nearly two months had now passed; and although the newspapers +frequently foretold the exact day the general would sail for the +scene of his labors, nothing was heard of his secretary. It ought to +be mentioned here that he occupied his time in frequent interviews +with Glanmoregain, who had designs on Kalorama very different from +those entertained by the government. For while the latter had +furnished instructions to the general, strictly enjoining him to +cultivate a good understanding with this savage king, and to impress +upon his mind the advantages of peace, avoiding carefully all +disputes arising between rival chiefs, the former commended a course +diametrically opposite. Having riches enough at his command to +overthrow a dozen such kingdoms as Kalorama, and which he promised +to deal out without stint in the employment of such vagabonds as are +more fond of fighting than saying their prayers, he instructed the +general to first find out how many cunning priests and lawyers were +in the country; what love they bore one another; whether they were +renegades or natives; what influence they had over the king; and how +best they could be set by the ears. And when this knowledge was +thoroughly acquired, to hasten the formation of rival factions, +being careful to throw the hot iron in wherever there was a chance, +pleading at the same time for peace and harmony. Then if he could +only get the priests at "cat-tails" with the court, which was easy +enough, why, the prospect would be prodigious. Every thing must be +taken in time and season; and if the lawyers were renegades, and he +could get them at splits with both, he could then get some ambitious +leader (one with more self-love than patriotism) just to tip him the +wink, and invite him to become the champion of the strongest +faction; he could then, being careful to let the cause of humanity +and the spread of civil liberty be his watchword, go out with his +sword sharpened, and after cutting down the existing powers, snatch +up the diadem and place it upon his own head. Glanmoregain explained +his various plans with such minuteness that they all became cloud +and mist in the general's mind; indeed, he began to debate within +himself as to the means by which he could serve two masters whose +interests seemed to run in directly opposite channels. Minister +Potter had, however, a ready facility for everything, and although +something of a simpleton, pledged himself to carry out +Glanmoregain's instructions with as many protestations of good faith +as he had offered the government in proof of his sincerity. "Upon my +military reputation, sir," said he, as Glanmoregain delivered to him +a packet containing his instructions, "it will not take me long to +get things as you want them. Say only that you want a dozen more +such kingdoms, and I warrant to have them in your pocket in less +time than it would take you to walk up Wall Street. But pray, sir, +as to these vagabonds you speak of, take care that they be not men +who have no fear of the devil and want all to be generals." + +And when the merchant and his general had got all these little +government matters so nicely compounded that they began to feel +whole kingdoms between their fingers, the former took his departure +and left the latter to himself. There were now only three days +remaining before the general's departure; and as the government had +vessels enough fouling their copper in our harbors, it was ordered +that one be detached to convey the general to his place of +destination. While then he was sitting puzzling his brain how to get +a secretary who could manage the newspapers and attend to the duties +of his office, and was ready to believe that Mr. Tickler had been +foully murdered, that gentleman made his appearance, and gave so +strange an excuse for his absence that I must beg the reader to turn +to the next chapter, where he will find it faithfully recorded. + + + + + + +CHAPTER XLV. + +OF THE MEETING BETWEEN THE GENERAL AND HIS SECRETARY, WHO RELATES AN +AFFAIR OF GALLANTRY THAT HAD WELL-NIGH COST HIM HIS LIFE; ALSO, OF +THE DEPARTURE FOR KALORAMA. + + + + + +"TICKLER! my faithful secretary, the friend and companion of my +future fortunes!" exclaimed the general, embracing the trembling +Tickler as he entered the room somewhat timidly. And after shaking +him warmly by the hand he ordered two punches, over which he +promised to give him an account of the anxiety he had suffered at +his absence, and which might have proved a serious affair to the +nation. + +"By my honor, general," replied Tickler, fingering his beard, and +looking somewhat confused, "your kindness is as unexpected as I know +it is sincere. And if you say the punches, it is as you say. It is +to ask your forgiveness I came, and here you offer me proofs that I +have not even incurred your displeasure." + +"Mercy and courtesy, friend Tickler, belong to our profession," +interrupted the general, elongating his body, placing his thumbs in +the arm-holes of his waistcoat, and striding twice or thrice across +the room. "I feared you were dead, friend Tickler. And it might look +suspicious," he resumed. "But you are alive, and I am glad enough of +it." The punches now smoked upon the table; and as the general drew +up his chair beside the secretary, that functionary began to relate +the cause of his absence. "I got safe into Baltimore, you see, and +having no more fears of the finger-taps of sheriffs, was quietly +wending my way for the Gilmore House, and had reached a fine old +mansion that stood a little from the street, when my attention was +attracted by a voice singing so sweetly that I became like one +transfixed, for the strains seemed melting my very heart. And you +know, general, that it's no hard matter to melt the heart of an +Irish gentleman. The voice sounded like one I had heard before, and +I paused, and listened, and wondered whose it could be, and suddenly +it ceased. I turned to gaze in the direction from whence the music +came, and there saw, through an open window, a girl of such +exquisite beauty that I felt like getting upon my knees and +worshipping her as the idol of love. During the pause she sat at a +piano motioning her fan, and with so much grace and delicacy that +even a Castilian could not have excelled it. Her complexion was like +alabaster, her features of Grecian cast, and as regular as if they +had been chiseled. And these charms were made more bewitching by the +luxuriant tresses of black hair that hung carelessly down upon her +broad, white shoulders. The thought that I had seen her before +almost crazed me. Then suddenly her delicate fingers tripped over +the keys of the piano, and she struck up a song, the words of which +I have not now at my tongue's end, but which I remember said a deal +about hope, anguish, and hearts that were true. Something also was +said about the cold marble, and withered hopes. I may say, sir, that +it bore a strong resemblance to songs I have heard sung by lovers in +my own country,-" + +"Pray proceed with what came of the lady," interrupted the general, +impatiently. + +"Why, sir, she sang this song so sweetly that the very air seemed +filled with melody, and I fancied myself either in Limerick or +Paradise. After gazing in admiration of her for several minutes, she +turned her eyes toward me; and as she did so, 'Heavens!' says I, +'there's Linda Mortimor!' And if you would know who this Linda +Mortimor is, listen and I will tell you. Her father was a merchant +of New York, of princely fortune and good ancestry. And this +fortune, together with his pride, he was resolved never to let get +beyond the narrow limits of a circle of distant but equally +fortunate relatives. But Linda, who was just budding into her +seventeenth summer, let her affections fall upon an opera singer, a +tenor of the name of Leon Benoni, who had some fame in his +profession, and was likewise a man of good morals, which is rare +with such gentlemen. I had known Leon for many years, and between us +there existed a strong friendship. And as he returned Linda's +affections with a love so impassioned that he swore death only could +separate them, I promised to render him such service as he might +need in an emergency. The possession of a girl so pure, so tender in +years, and yet so beautiful, was a prize Leon would have braved +death to gain." + +The general, more impatient than ever, again interrupted by +enjoining Mr. Tickler to stick to Linda, and omit what Leon said. + +"When you have two lovers in a story," returned the critic, "you +cannot well get along with what one said: you must fetch them along +together." + +"That may be your New York fashion," interpolated the general; "but +I know one Joe Doane, of Barnstable, who had a whole year of love +stories in his head, and got along well enough with one lover to a +story." + +These remarks somewhat displeased the secretary, who gave vent to +his feelings in certain upward turns of his short nose. In truth, he +was well-nigh ending the love story on the spot; for he cursed in +his heart the stupidity of a gentleman of such shallow tastes that +he would only have one lover in so good a story. But he bethought +himself that now they were both high officials, he must show proper +deference to his superior. "If you would have love stories," pursued +the critic, with an air of regained pride, "pray take them in their +natural state, and not as they are made by popular novelists, who +get all sorts of murders into them. As to this young couple, seeing +that Heaven (which forms destinies,) had ordered their love to run +one way, I arranged their interviews, and so managed the exchange of +their communications that they had pledged their affections in +eternal constancy for months before the affair reached the ears of +Linda's parents. And when it did, a great excitement was got up +against Leon, who was charged with various crimes against the +dignity of the family; indeed, so far was their indignation carried +that several ambitious members of the family threatened him with no +few ounces of cold lead. Opera singing was, at best, they said, but +a shabby occupation, followed only by such trifling foreigners as +had nothing else to do, and were wisely kept outside the pale of +society. + +"Leon then was cruelly separated from Linda, whose hard-hearted +parents had her locked up in her chamber, where she remained seven +months writing her grief in verses of such rare sentiment and purity +of style that I doubt if Byron has anything to excel them. But +finding that her love for Leon was incurable, and that the +confinement was producing insanity of mind, her father thought to +affect a remedy by offering Leon ten thousand dollars to quit the +country. This he spurned, bidding the father give his money to him +who measured the soul of man by its value. + +"Linda's only companion during the confinement, was a pet canary, +which she had trained to convey messages across the street, and into +the window of a chamber occupied by one Minnie Rush, a companion and +schoolmate, and one to whom she could intrust the secrets of her +heart with explicit confidence. Through this medium then she +discovered the place of her confinement to Leon, for whom I arranged +a plan of scaling her prison and carrying her away. And this plan we +undertook to execute of a dark night in November, when a pelting +storm drenched the earth with rain, and the wind howled, and all the +adverse elements seemed to have combined to complete the fury of the +tempest. Linda was prepared, and paced her room with curious hopes +and anticipations swelling her heart, and even filling her eyes with +tears. When the clock struck twelve, we had, by dint of great +exertion, got the ladder to Linda's window in the third story. And +as Leon commenced ascending, Linda slowly opened the window. Fiercer +and fiercer their throbbing hearts began beating; each second seemed +an hour; and although the storm howled piteously, anxiety had so +sharpened their senses that they distinctly heard the slightest +movement. Quickening his pace as he advanced, and thinking only of +the prize he would rescue from its prison, he was well nigh the top +of the ladder. Another minute and the two lovers would have been +clasped in each other's arms. Not a thought would have been wasted +on the hard-hearted father; Leon would have borne the darling of +his heart away in triumph! But lo! a crash was heard; the ladder +yielded to the gale, and Leon, who was a man of much weight and +circumference, fell to the ground with a broken leg. 'A pretty +pickle you'r in now, Orlando Tickler,' says I to myself. But to make +the matter worse, the ladder fell also, and so great was the noise +that the father of Linda and two friends rushed out of the house in +their night clothes, and with pistols in their hands. Seeing the +cause of the disturbance, they at once gave chase after me; and +though I would have stood by Leon until death separated us, it came +into my mind that getting away as fast as possible would be the best +service I could render him, seeing that it would afford him an +opportunity to creep away into some hiding-place. + +"I must not forget to tell you, general, that although I am a +fleet-footed man, so closely was I pursued that I received not less +than three shots in the skirts of my coat, and had been a dead man, +but that two good-natured policemen came up, and stopping the +enraged father, bid him give an account of himself; for they were +unaccustomed to seeing gentlemen run naked in such a storm, armed +with pistols. This enabled me to reach a place of safety. But the +thought struck me that they would return and make search for Leon. I +therefore followed them at a stealthy pace and at a safe distance +for myself. Leon had crawled through a little gate and into a garden +close by, where he found a shelter beneath some larch bushes, and +was safe from the vengeance of his pursuers, who several times +passed and re-passed within a few feet of him. The wreck of the +ladder was all that greeted their eyes. + +"When then the father and his friends returned disappointed to the +house, I approached the policemen, and giving them an account of the +affair and a few dollars, soon secured their good services. In +truth, sir, they declared by their truncheons that if they had been +let into the secret a little earlier the hard-hearted old parent had +been locked up in the station house, and made to give an account of +himself, and, perhaps, to pay dearly for being caught in a plight so +dangerous to the peace of the neighborhood. They, however, kindly +assisted in getting a carriage, in which Leon was got to his home, +where he remained seven weeks without singing a note, and suffering +much in mind, as well as body. And when he recovered, it was only to +find that Linda was gone-had been carried away, and no one could +tell him the place of her concealment. Thus forlorn, he gave himself +up in despair, and came near dying of a broken heart, though he was +attended by three physicians. But the post-man brought him a letter +one day, and a timely letter it was; for by it Linda informed Leon +that she was in Madrid with her father, which caused him so much joy +that I had fears lest it derange his understanding. But a cloud came +over his joy when she told him that such was the surveillance she +was under that her life seemed a mere continuation of wretchedness. +And while she still declared her love was unchanged, she artfully +added that her father had so modified his opinions of foreigners as +to press a suit between her and a Spanish Count, of whom it was said +that he possessed estates in Arragon. This news seriously affected +Leon, who was of an impulsive temper, and quick to give himself up +to grief; for he knew what strange changes time and distance works +in the mind of a young, ardent girl like Linda. He knew, too, how +difficult a thing it was to resist the fascinating manners of the +courtly Spaniard. All these things caused him to sorrow, and this +sorrow so fed upon his heart that he resolved to get to Madrid with +all speed and rescue her from so tyrannical a parent, though it cost +him his life. But he was suddenly taken sick of a fever, which, in +addition to well-nigh carrying him to the grave, left his intellect +in a deranged state, and so reduced him in body that his friends +resolved he had only a month or so more for this world. I had +watched over Leon, and but for my poverty would have remained by his +bedside until death separated us. It was my necessities, sir, that +compelled me to join you.--" + +"By my honor, friend Tickler," interrupted the general, approvingly, +"I will now swear you make a good soldier; for such faith is rarely +met outside of the profession to which I belong." + +"As to that," resumed Mr. Tickler, "your great experience in these +matters must make you the better judge. It then got (I turn now to +Linda and Leon) into the papers that Leon was dead. And though I +know not by what process this was effected, I can tell you that many +obituaries were written in respect of him. Seeing that he had been +so honorably disposed of by the editors, Leon held it better not to +contradict the report, but as soon as he was in possession of +sufficient strength, to leave in disguise for the scene where he +would welcome death or win the prize for which his heart yearned. + +"Judge, then, of my surprise when I recognized Linda in the lovely +creature who played with so much skill, and sang so sweetly. Our +recognition was mutual, for I stood where the shadow of the +moonbeams played over my face. 'Heavens!' says I, 'how can I rescue +her?' I saw she was not free, but rather the victim of a heart +burdened with cares. My next thought was how to communicate with +her. I retired to a little cottage close by, where I wrote a note on +tissue paper, proposing an appointment on the following day, and +secured it to the stem of a rosebud. Then I found a poor woman, a +Savoyard, playing on her harp in the street; and having read that +these women were accustomed to performing such parts for the rich +lovers of their own country, I engaged her to play under the window +until she had so attracted the attention of Linda as to make her +understand by signs what was in the bud. This she engaged to do in a +manner that would make success certain. She then repaired to the +task; and having played several airs from the opera of Linda of +Chamouni with great artistic skill, soon brought Linda to the +window, where she at first listened as if she were taking lessons of +a master, but soon changed her listening to surprise at the singular +signs made by the woman between the airs. The mystery was dissolved +when I again appeared at the front gate and stood in the shadow of +the moonbeams. Linda declared she would not be content until the +poor Savoyard was got into the house, averring that as she had never +before heard such exquisite playing, she was anxious to ask the +woman some questions concerning her history. To please Linda, then, +she was got into the house, where, embracing a favorable moment, she +slipped the bud into Linda's hand. I had suggested a place of +meeting at twelve o'clock on the following day; and I leave to your +conjecture what took place up to that time. Let me tell you, then, +that she escaped from the house through the aid of a faithful +servant, and we met, exchanged our joys as never did brother and +sister; yes, we unburdened our hearts and gave each other accounts +of all that had passed since the night Leon attempted to rescue her +from her chamber. + +"Linda had not been to Madrid, but Cuba; and the letter to Leon was +nothing more than a cruel fabrication of her parents, who had +persuaded her that he was dead, and produced papers recording his +death in proof of their declarations. When I discovered to her that +Leon was still alive, she fell upon her knees and beseeched me to +speed with her to him. I knew and felt my duty to the nation; but +the request of this lovely girl was something the gallantry of my +soul could not refuse." + +The general, who had listened attentively while sipping his punch, +interrupted, saying, "I reverence your magnanimity, young man, and +am glad to see that you had no thought of appropriating the prize to +yourself. I am glad, too, that you had an eye to how much the nation +might suffer by this love affair." + +"Says I to myself," resumed the secretary, "'Orlando Tickler! now +it's between the nation and this fair girl-choose which you will let +go to ruin. Faith, the nation is well enough,' says I, 'and here +goes to do my duty by this distressed damsel. And with nothing but +what she had on her back, and a purse of gold, we turned our backs +upon Baltimore, and like doves chased by sportsmen, proceeded with +all speed to Leon, who had taken up his abode at an airy villa on +the banks of the Hudson. And here again I will leave to your +conjecture what took place when they met; and conclude by saying +that I went mad with joy on seeing them locked in each other's arms. +And while New York was being searched in vain by the friends of her +unyielding parents, I saw them made one twain by the village parson; +then I left them as happy a couple as ever mingled love, and sought +you, intending to ask forgiveness. You have it all, sir; and may +Heaven reward you for the forgiveness you have vouchsafed me." + +And now, the time for the general's departure having arrived, old +Battle was got safely on board, when this wonderful politician, +soldier, and diplomatist, and his clever secretary, set sail for the +Kaloramas; and when they had proceeded on their voyage for some +weeks met with so serious an accident that the writer of this +faithful history deems it proper that he should record it in the +next chapter. + +It ought also to be mentioned here that the general, out of sheer +respect to his honesty as a critic, appointed Easley guardian to his +gifted pig, whose earnings he promised to transmit to Polly Potter +instead of the unfathomable depths of the "Bleeding Kansas Fund." + + + + + + +CHAPTER XLVI. + +CONTAINING A FAITHFUL ACCOUNT OF WHAT TOOK PLACE WHEN GENERAL POTTER +AND HIS SECRETARY CROSSED THE LINE, AND HOW HE RODE THE FLYING +HORSE. + + + + + +BEING ignorant of any rule compelling historians to give the names +of such ships as convey their ambassadors to foreign lands, I have +resolved that the omission in this instance shall be made up by the +fancy of the reader, whom I feel in my heart will generously give me +credit for what I have written, the truth whereof no man of common +sense will doubt. A further motive for not naming the vessel on +which this wonderful minister sailed is, that what took place on +board might afford matter for one of those extremely fashionable +episodes called Courts-Martial, and which are principally held at +Washington for the entertainment of such aged members of the service +as are fond of listening to, and sitting in judgment upon, the +minute and circumstantial details of indiscreet conversations held +among young gentlemen of the ward-room; and which, it must be +confessed, reflects but little honor upon the service. But to the +ship. + +When the ship was many days' sail from land, and affairs on board +had passed pleasantly enough, the officers, one after another began +to hold conversation with the general, and to flatter his vanity in +various ways, styling him "Your Excellency," and intimating that he +must be perfect master of all great subjects. In truth, they soon +discovered from the disjointed character of his discourse upon +various subjects that his wits were deranged; for no matter what +subject they introduced, he would mount his favorite hobby of taking +care of the nation. But how a man could be an adept in politics and +a simpleton in so many other things they could not clearly +understand. They therefore came naturally enough to the conclusion +that the government had set a trap to get rid of a gentleman with +designs on the treasury, and caught a mouse instead of a minister. +Nor were they less surprised with the singular relations existing +between the general and his secretary, who had more than once +declared to them that he had puzzled his wits in vain to get at the +true quality of his master's understanding. They therefore resolved +among themselves to make him the subject of a little diversion. He +had entertained them with accounts of the wonderful achievements of +the Potter family, as also his own exploits in the Mexican war, at +which they were all astonished and confounded. + +When, then, the general appeared on deck one day, in his new +uniform, which he got of Fox in New York, and which he verily +believed necessary to the great undertakings he was about to engage +in, the first Lieutenant approached him, and with great gravity of +manner, said, "Your Excellency has doubtless heard of the custom +which renders it necessary that all great officials crossing the +line for the first time pay their respects to Neptune, king of the +sea and father of barbers, who will come on board and shave you to +your satisfaction. And when this ceremony is over the officials then +display their skill at riding the flying horse, the success or +failure of which is invariably held a good or bad omen of the +success or failure of their mission." + +The general listened with curious attention to these remarks. "I +own, Mr. Lieutenant," said he, in reply, "that if you approached me +on matters of government or something that concerns the politics of +our country, there you will find me at home; but as to these affairs +of the sea, I know as little about them as your village parson. As +to riding a flying horse, I will leave that to Mr. Tickler, my +secretary; for though no man will say I am not skilled in riding, I +can tell you I have been twice thrown by my horse Battle, and care +not to have more of my limbs broken. But by all means let this +Neptune you speak of be introduced to me, and if the shaving can be +dispensed with, so much the better, since I am not fond of +ceremonies, and may have need of my beard in dealing with this +savage king." + +"Your Excellency reasons well," rejoined the Lieutenant; "but +judging from the fame he has already acquired, and which is as +familiar to us as our school-day primers, I feel that he would not +have it said of him that he was a whit behind his many predecessors, +who held themselves honored in being the recipients of this +ceremony, which, in truth, is considered another feather in their +dignity. But this I will say, that where secretaries are present, +the custom has been so modified as to vouchsafe the shaving to them, +while riding the flying horse is strictly reserved for the highest +officials." + +"What you say of my fame, Mr. Lieutenant, is just what many others +have said, and may be set down to my honesty as a politician. And, +as you say it is well to look to my dignity, I will confer with my +secretary and hear what he says concerning this affair of the +shaving." Having returned this answer, the general sought his +secretary and recounted to him, in private, the conversation that +had taken place between himself and the lieutenant, upon which the +learned critic swore by Saint Patrick, and a dozen more equally good +saints, that no man should trifle with his beard, of which he was as +scrupulous as many of our more fashionable clergymen, and, indeed, +kept it highly polished with daily applications of Rushton's best +pomades. He also declared that however ready he might be to render +service either to his government or ladies in distress, he verily +believed the whole affair a joke got up by the officers, who were +much given to practising such tricks upon the unwary; and therefore +he would have them look elsewhere for subjects of jest. The general, +however, assured him that it was a grave mistake, since gentlemen of +such standing and valor would not deign to trifle with the +respectability of a secretary invested with such important +functions. He therefore proceeded with him into the presence of the +first lieutenant, around whom several of his fellow-officers were +gathered, and on stating what had taken place, they one and all +assured Mr. Tickler in the most grave and becoming manner that they +had not the slightest intention of offending his dignity, nor indeed +in any way provoking him to think ill of them. Nevertheless, they +begged him to bear in mind that this ancient custom was only kept up +with a view to test the real courage and resolution of high +officials proceeding on these great and important missions. "I am +not frightened at trifles, gentlemen," replied Mr. Tickler, somewhat +agitated; "but it seems to me that this shaving you speak of is not +generally known among barbers. And I have read every book written by +Ike Marvel (and bright gems, hung in the murky firmament of our +maudlin literature, they are, too!); but not a word does he say +about secretaries of Legations paying penance in this manner with +their beards. However, if his excellency has courage to ride the +flying horse, Orlando Tickler will not be found wanting. Pray let +the ceremony proceed; but spare me my beard if you can, for I am no +dump, and know that it was said by somebody that a poor gentleman +had better stick to his garret than go beardless to court." The +officers now proceeded to arrange the matter between themselves, and +resolved to carry it into effect on the following morning. + +And now a rosy dawn ushered in the morning on which the great and +all-absorbing event was to take place. A clear sky, a sea so calm +that scarce a ripple was to be seen, every sail spread to its utmost +capacity, and the mellow tints of the rising sun playing over and +investing them with a majesty of outline at once grand and imposing. +And yet the massive hull scarce moved, so gentle was the breeze that +fanned through her canvass. + +The officers were astir before Mother Carey's chickens had dipped +their wings; indeed, the very elements seemed to have combined to +favor this great and wonderful event, which, seeing that it was in +honor of so great a politician as General Roger Potter, was to +surpass all other events hitherto recorded in this history. + +A stage of rough planks was erected during the night just abaft the +fore-mast, and over this a mizen topgallant studding-sail formed an +awning, between which and the mast there was a huge wind-sail, +leading down into the forehatch. The fore-courser and lower +studding-sails were now clewed up, and a messenger dispatched to +inform the general and his secretary that the ship was crossing the +line, and as Neptune's temper was crispy of age, he might on +discovering any want of respect, invoke a storm. Not content with +this, two officers high in rank rushed into the state-room of Mr. +Tickler, and evincing great anxiety lest his reputation for courage +suffer, drew him from his berth, and winding him up in a sheet, bore +him struggling in their arms to a seat arranged on the platform. At +the same time a great blowing of sea-conchs (said to be Neptune's +chorus), accompanied by the heaving and splashing of waters, was +heard directly under the bows, and was indeed enough to strike +terror into a stronger heart than Tickler possessed. In short, the +secretary found his courage giving out, notwithstanding he had on +the evening previous given several of the officers a most +interesting account of the many duels he had figured in. In truth, +it must be confessed that if the secretary had not been secured to +his seat with gaskets, he would, regardless of precedents, have +taken to his heels and left the ceremony to those who had a liking +for it. And as it was, his fears continued to increase with the +approach of the ceremony. + +A double file of men, in their neatest attire, now formed in order +from the orlop to the fore-chains. At this moment the general, +arrayed in his war-worn uniform, sallied forth with becoming +dignity, and evidently much concerned about the important part he +was to play in this great event, for he felt in his heart that the +honor of his country depended entirely upon the skill he displayed +in riding the flying horse. He was also not a little concerned lest +his secretary should fail to carry himself with becoming nerve, and +encouraged him with promises to permit him to say things creditable +to himself in his first letter to the New York Daily Discoverer. + +Old Neptune, trident in hand, and as fishy an old salt as could well +be imagined, now rose with great gravity and stateliness over the +bow; and having cast a piercing glance at the file of men, who +raised their hats and saluted him with becoming deference, advanced +slowly, and being met by two senior lieutenants, was first informed +of the great fame of the voyagers, and then welcomed on board with a +speech. This done he was introduced to, and exchanged courtesies +with the general, who made him sundry bows, and would have put many +questions to him concerning his ancestry; but as it was customary +with him to lose no time, he proceeded forthwith to the shaving. +Perhaps I ought here to inform the reader that this Neptune wore a +sort of toga, made of the skins of sea-lions; that his beard was +like unto fibrous coral found on the coast of Florida, and hung +almost to his waist; and that a crown of sea-moss decorated his +venerable head. Muttering something in a language the first +lieutenant declared was Spanish, and exchanging bows with Mr. +Tickler, whose face and beard only were visible above the white +sheet, Neptune resigned his trident to one of the sailors, and +approaching the candidate for this great honor, felt and felt his +beard, then gave his head a toss of satisfaction, and smiled. A +grinning negro now advanced in his clean white apron, and an immense +bowl, held with his left arm; and this was filled with a composite +for shaving, such, I venture to assert, as Rushton never thought of; +for being a mixture of grease, tar, and soap, the odor that escaped +was anything but aromatic. Here the secretary quite lost his temper, +and swore by the Virgin in a deep rich brogue, which was not +uncommon with him when he spoke natural, that he saw through the +whole thing; and that the man who defiled his beard with such stuff +as that would have to suffer for it when he got the use of his +hands. Heeding not what he said, the negro applied the lather with +an immense paint-brush, and had well-nigh suffocated the critic, who +cried for mercy at the very top of his voice, to the no small +diversion of the bystanders, who enjoyed it hugely. Solemnly Neptune +then commenced to shave the critic with an immense razor made of +wood; but he was so nervous in the management of it, and scraped the +critic's face so unmercifully, that he bellowed out at the very top +of his voice, "Holy Saint Peter! come to my relief, and let not this +thy child be tortured by his enemies!" + +"Be not a whimperer, but comport yourself with courage, Mr. +Tickler," said the general, apparently quite as much diverted as any +of them: "I have a hearty respect enough for these critics; but if +they let their courage leak out in this way, Heaven only knows what +they will do when they come to face the guns of the enemy?" he +concluded, whispering in the ear of one of the officers. Having +stepped aside to wipe the razor, as he said, they were all surprised +and astonished to find that Neptune had disappeared amidst the +plunging of waters and blowing of sea-conchs. Scarcely had he gone +when an immense current of water came down upon the head of the +suffering Tickler, and which he was assured was nothing more than +the tail-end of a water-spout, though in truth it was poured from +buckets in the hands of a cunning rogue concealed in the windsail +close by. And the force and density of this so nearly drowned the +simple-minded critic that he several times gasped for breath, and +indeed seemed on the very point of dissolution. The whole ceremony +was performed in a remarkably short space of time; and when the +lathered and drenched Orlando Tickler was set at liberty, he cast +the winding sheet from his shoulders, stood a few moments making the +most savage gestures at his adversaries, (most of whom had sought +places of safety,) and challenged the best of them to meet him like +men; then he scampered away to his cabin, muttering as he passed the +general, "Faith! and I wish your excellency better luck with what +there is left." It ought to be mentioned here that the hanging by +the heels, which is a part of this excellent and very ancient +custom, was, out of sheer respect to Tickler's fame as a critic, +omitted in this instance. + +The wind now began to freshen so that every sail filled to +perfection; but as there was but little motion on the ship, it was +resolved not to ride the flying-horse until breakfast was over, when +it was hoped a rolling motion of the hull would afford a better +opportunity for the display of skill. "Mr. Lieutenant," said the +general, approaching that officer with his ear canted, and touching +him confidentially on the arm, "although there was sport enough in +this shaving of my secretary, I begin to have certain fears about +riding the flying-horse; as you say, it may afford me a chance to +display my courage and horsemanship: but, if it be similar to the +shaving, I cannot see wherein it will serve my dignity; and +therefore I say that it seems to my mind better that you give the +performance to some other gentleman." The lieutenant replied that +this was a feat entirely free from the severities accompanying the +shaving; in truth, that it was solely a means of displaying agility, +being much practised by the South Carolinians after their +tournaments. And in order to prove to him that it was in every way +worthy the high consideration of so distinguished a politician and +general, he promised to make several of the seamen give him an +example. Somewhat reconciled to this assurance, the general +proceeded to prepare himself. + +When, then, breakfast was over, they all repaired on deck to witness +the general's skill at riding the flying-horse. The ship rolled +lazily, an oar with the blade resting upon the quarter deck, the +stock extending some eight or ten feet forward and secured near the +end with a rope made fast in the mizen-caps, constituted the horse, +which swung to and fro with the motion of the ship. A hat was then +placed on the end of the oar, when an old experienced sailor mounted +with a staff in his hand, and having crossed his legs (like a tailor +upon his board), let go the rope, and, with his hands extended, +swung to the motion of the ship, maintaining his balance with the +ease and composure of a rope-dancer. This done, he dislodged the hat +with his staff; and to prove how easy it was to perform the feat, he +thrice repeated it to the great delight of all on board. "Faith of +my father!" exclaimed the general, "I see no great things in that; +and if it be all you require in proof of my courage, I will show you +that I can do it a dozen times, and with less trouble than it would +give me to ride my horse Battle." All now made way for the wonderful +general, whose shortness of legs rendered it necessary to bring +benches to facilitate his mounting; for the flying-horse stood some +six feet or more from the spar deck, and was not so easily mounted +by a general accustomed to the saddle. + +A silence as of the tomb reigned among the bystanders while the +great General Potter proceeded to mount; which he effected after +considerable puffing and fussing, and adjusting his three-cornered +hat, of which he was singularly scrupulous. Holding on by the rope +with great tenacity, the only difficulty now in the way seemed his +legs, which were too short to get crossed upon the oar. Declaring he +had never before rode an animal of such sharpness in the back, he +proposed that the crossing of legs be omitted, when he would show +them that he could dislodge the hat with great agility sitting +astride the oar. But as this would leave no chance for the sport +that was to follow, the officers all asserted upon their reputations +that in no instance of which they had any knowledge had such a +concession been made, no matter how distinguished the ambassador. +But in order not to be wanting in courtesy, two of the officers +assisted him in getting his legs crossed. This done the benches were +cleared, and, not a little disturbed in his courage, the gallant +general swung away to the motion of the ship. Several voices now +called to him, demanding that he let go the rope and dislodge the +hat. "When a man knows his life is in danger, it occurs to me, +gentlemen, that he had better be left to choose his own time in +parting with it!" replied the general. He however let go the rope, +and suddenly making a pass at the hat with his staff, lost his +balance and was plunged headlong into the larboard scuppers, and +with such force that had not his bones been equal to wrought-iron, +not a sound one had been left in his body. He now gave out such +pitiful groans as brought the officers to a knowledge of the serious +character of the joke, which was put an end to by their picking him +up and bearing him away to his cabin. + + + + + + +CHAPTER XLVII. + +OF THE GENERAL'S RECOVERY, AND HIS INTERVIEW WITH MR. TICKLER; ALSO, +OF THE LANDING AT BUZABUB, AND VARIOUS OTHER STRANGE AND AMUSING +THINGS. + + + + + +WHEN the general was sufficiently recovered from the effects of the +fall, he began thanking heaven that it was no worse, and inquiring +of the officers who stood around him, each trying to emulate the +other in offering him consolation, whether any of his predecessors +had been thrown into the scuppers in this manner. "You may say there +was a lack of skill, gentlemen; but I at least gave you a taste of +my courage, which is something in these days." Thus he addressed +them as he rose to his feet, with evident self-satisfaction, and +believing in his heart that a man was as much to be praised for what +he attempted as for what he achieved. "That you are a gentleman of +courage no man with eyes in his head will dispute; and as our +country is extremely fortunate in the possession of so brave a +general, we have been saying among ourselves that the interests of +the nation demand that you should be less prodigal of it!" replied +one of the officers. + +"It affords me no small pleasure that you can bear witness of what +you have seen; for although this misfortune may not comport with my +dignity as a minister sent to preserve friendly relations with a +savage king, you will at least say it was an enterprise that tested +the quality of my metal. As I have always said, a man had better +stick to his functions; for if he mount strange horses, his head may +prove so wanting in brain that he will certainly fall to the ground +a great fool. But you have seen enough to satisfy you of my courage, +and now I must hasten to my secretary, who is no small man, though +unaccustomed to the perils we soldiers know so well how to enjoy." +So making them a bow, the general proceeded to Mr. Tickler's cabin, +where he found that gentleman busily engaged over a pot of Rushton's +pomade, which, together with two bottles of Lubin's double extract, +had been presented to him by the officers, as a balm to heal his +injured dignity. "This is no joke, your excellency," said the +discomfited critic; "you may smile at a man with his beard full of +tar; but let your excellency just try it with his own, and I wager +he'll wish the devil had it before he gets it restored." The general +laid his hand on Mr. Tickler's arm, encouragingly, and replied, +"Friend Tickler, heaven has given you a good understanding, and it +comforts me that you take this little affair no worse." + +"How much worse your excellency would have it I know not. And it +occurs to my mind that this mauling and scraping is no part of my +mission. I am not a malefactor, but a man sent abroad to serve his +country, which it is my intention to do faithfully, if only they +leave my dignity undamaged." + +"It's not every one thinks so well of his dignity, friend Tickler," +interposed the general. + +"I am glad your excellency speaks in this way; for if a man bring +his dignity to an end, pray what use is he to his country?" + +"There your philosophy is at fault, Tickler; for many's the man now +in the service of his country who has not so much dignity as my +horse Battle. Console yourself, sir, and remember that hardships are +the prop-sticks of a rising man's glory. And having borne your part +in this ceremony with such consummate fortitude, you must know that +the officers set you down for a terrible fellow." + +"Let them practice their pranks on some one else, or by the saints +they shall suffer for it. But tell me, your excellency, is it a +custom with secretaries to trick their landlords, undergo these +batterings and bruisings, and go for weeks without a shilling? If it +be, Orlando Tickler returns to his profession of a critic! And to +tell you the truth, sir, it is not clear to me of whom I am to get +pay for my services at this outlandish court. But pray where is this +Kalorama? for I have puzzled my brain over it not a little. And +while you are about it, please enlighten me further on the benefits +this mission of yours will bestow upon mankind, that I may be +instructed while I am getting this grease and tar out of my beard." + +"A good diplomatist, I have heard it said, friend Tickler, never +blurts out what he means to do, but keeps a still tongue until he +has effected his ends. Keep then your faith square, ask no +questions, watch closely, and the result shall come as clear as day +to you when I am on the field." The secretary gradually became more +reconciled to his fate, and soon renewed the labor of restoring his +beard. + +Several days now passed with so much pleasantry that the general and +his secretary became the admiration of all on board. Not a man, from +the commander down to the humblest "ordinary," but was eager to pay +them homage, minister to their comfort, or afford them amusement. +They were thus happily pursuing their voyage when the commander, one +pleasant evening, having entertained the general with various sea +stories, was approached by one of his officers, who reported that +Spark Island had been sighted from aloft. This news sent a thrill of +joy into the hearts of all on board, for Spark Island lay ten +leagues off the coast of Kalorama. Every eye was now fixed in the +direction indicated, and many were the glasses brought into use. +After various scannings, what seemed a mere speck on the horizon was +pronounced by the commander to be nothing less than the famous Spark +Island, a bit of land quite resembling the steeple of one of our +fashionable churches, and which nature, in one of her strange freaks +had ejected from the bottom of the sea, that certain gulls and other +sea-birds, having no other convenient place to build their nests, +might take advantage of its solitude. "Verily, your excellency," +said the commander, addressing General Potter with great suavity of +manner, "there is so curious a history connected with this pitiful +little island, that I feel you would be deeply interested with a +recital of it." + +"Indeed, sir," returned the general, "as this history concerns me as +a diplomatist, I should be delighted to hear it from your lips." + +"You must know, then," resumed the commander, "that the natives +along the coast have a tradition they firmly believe in, and which +sets forth that this island was thrown up by a special act of +providence as a place of refuge for a poor priest, a good and holy +man, who, being admitted to the confidence of the court of a Chief +then ruling over Kalorama, was discovered, by a keen-sighted +attendant, in an amour with one of his daughters, a girl of so much +beauty that various chiefs had come from the east, and the west, and +the north, and the south, to lay their offerings at her feet. But to +none of them would she give her hand and heart. And although the +priest protested his innocence before heaven, and the girl, whose +name was Matura, declared her chastity as unsullied as the driven +snow, the father was not to be moved, but per-emptorily ordering +them both into a canoe, sent them to drift at the mercy of the +waves, a merited banishment-in his eyes. Many years passed, and +nothing being heard of the priest and Matura, it was thought the sea +had swallowed them up, when they were discovered on this lonely +island by some Spanish adventurers from a neighboring coast. The +priest at once gave the visitors an account of how the island rose +from the ocean by special providence for his protection, together +with a minute description of all that had taken place since their +banishment. He had chanted vespers regularly three times a day, +while Matura had confessed to him, sang to him, and made him +garments of the feathers of birds, the flesh of which furnished them +with food. What seemed most singular, was that although their locks +were whitened with the cares of fourscore years, both stood ready to +swear before an inquisition of saints that neither in thought nor +deed had they sinned against the commandments. + +"Meanwhile the servant, instrumental in procuring the banishment of +the priest and Matura, was brought to his death-bed, and as he was +troubled about leaving this world with so deep a crime in his heart, +he came out and declared that the charge he had brought against the +priest and Matura was a tissue of lies which he had been bribed to +promulgate by another priest, to whom he was in the habit of +confessing. But the innocence thus revealed was of no avail; for the +priest and Matura died on the island, and there was an end of it as +far as that went. + +"The Spaniards returned and reported the discovery to their people, +as also the story of the priest and Matura. Whereupon the Spaniards +laid claims to Spark Island, they being, as they asserted, the first +discoverers. But the story, together with the discovery, was not +long in coursing down the coast to the ears of the Kaloramas, who +immediately fitted out a fleet of seven canoes, and dispatched +them in charge of twenty stalwarth natives and a priest, who had +taken high orders, such an one being held necessary to the safety of +the expedition. Well, they descried the island, and having landed, +found the bones of the priest and Matura in a cave, on the side of a +steep bluff. And when these were brought home, the people of +Kalorama went into deep mourning, and had them buried with great +ceremony in a grove of cocoanut trees, where all girls of tender +years were taught to go at early morning and lay offerings of +flowers upon the grave of Matura the innocent. + +"But there soon sprung up a great dispute as to the possession of +this island. The Spaniards claimed it in virtue of their discovery, +while the Kaloramas, with no less plausibility, asserted a priority +by virtue of its having been first inhabited by the priest and +Matura, whom they claimed as citizens of Kalorama. And, +notwithstanding a manuscript written by the priest while in his +lonely exile, and describing how an All-wise Providence had created +this island solely for his preservation, was by an intriguing +Spaniard placed in the hands of the King of the Kaloramas as proof +against his own countrymen, the question of possession rose into +such gigantic proportions that a great war broke out between the +disputants. And although neither could ever hope to derive the +slightest benefit from its possession, the contest was bloody enough +on both sides. And when they had fought many battles, involved +various other nations, and desolated each other's dominions, they +agreed that each should send a deputation of not less than three +priests, who, when they had visited the island, should declare upon +the merits of the case. Whereupon two expeditions were fitted out at +great cost of time and treasure; but after cruising for more than +thirty days, not a vestige of Spark Island could they find. +Therefore, it was agreed among the priests that as a visitation of +providence had created the island for a holy purpose, so also had +God in his wisdom caused it to sink into the sea, that an end might +be put to the savage wars waged for its possession. And as neither +party could dispute this solemn verdict of the priests, both +cheerfully accepted it, and were for ever after inalienable friends. +And there is an end to that, as far as it goes. + +"It was generally agreed that Spark Island had vanished, for nearly +a century passed, and not a mariner could be found to say he had +seen it, though several were ready to swear by their buttons that +they had heard mermaids singing precisely where it once stood. And +so matters remained until a few years ago, when two of our +enterprising countrymen, who were cruising down this way in search +of adventures, came upon it, and finding it covered with a rich and +valuable manure, fancied it a new discovery, laid claim to it in the +name of our government, and, blinded by their enthusiasm, declared +it one of the greatest islands history had any account of, though +truly it was but six furlongs long and four wide. Many and wonderful +were the representations made to our government by these adventurers +concerning this great discovery, and the benefits that were to flow +from it to our country. The humblest husbandman was to get a mere +pinch of its rich deposits, and, having sprinkled it over his broad +acres, would immediately find them transferred into fields of +luxuriant corn. Mere ounces were to make fertile the most sterile +lands; and even old Virginia put on her spectacles, and began +looking forward to the time when every bald hill, from the +Rappahannock to the Blue Ridge, would wear a rich carpet of green. + +"It was curious enough to see with what an open ear the government +listened to these wonderful stories, and the agility with which it +sent a great fleet, and a terrible commodore, to enforce our claim +to the possession of this island. A dispute now arose between the +Kaloramas and our government, regarding the nature of the discovery +by these adventurers, and many learned and very profound opinions +were given, describing its exact history and boundaries. When, +however, we were on the point of declaring war against the +Kaloramas, as the most sure way of getting the island, it turned out +that all these authorities, discovering such profound knowledge, +were wide off the mark. In addition to this, the fleet, after a long +and pleasant cruise, which afforded the officers amusement enough to +last them a life-time, at length found the island, which was so +small that even the most reliable chart makers had neglected to +locate it. They were, therefore, so much diverted at its apparent +insignificance that they came to the very sensible conclusion that +the few birds having their nests in it had the best claim to it; +and, indeed, that to disturb them would be to inflict a great +cruelty. After coming to this conclusion they returned home in +excellent humor, and reported the result of the expedition (the +report covered some sixteen folios) to the government at Washington, +presenting it at the same time with a casket containing four ounces +of the rich and highly-scented treasure found thereon. And I am +informed that the government was so pleased with the result of this +costly expedition that it has ever since remained profoundly silent +on the subject-even refusing an enormous sum offered by a +Philadelphia bookseller for the report, which he was anxious to +publish, out of sheer love for the public. However, open questions +of the smallest kind being indispensable to great governments, +inasmuch as they afford occupation to diplomatists, and such idlers +as follow the trade of politics, I must not forget to mention here +that our government still continues secretly to dispute the point +with the Kaloramas; even threatening to thrash them right soundly, +unless they relinquish their claim. And here Spark Island stands, +like the lone steeple of some forsaken church." Thus the commander +concluded, when General Potter, who declared the history had deeply +interested him, laid his hand confidentially on the arm of the +speaker, saying: "There is, I verily believe, something said in my +instructions concerning this Island. Just let me alone, and I +warrant to have it safe in the possession of our government, (and a +dozen more just like it!) in less time than you have been talking +about it. As for the priest, though he never did me any harm, I hold +it well that the amorous rascal was banished in a canoe, that being +an easy way of getting rid of him. But my heart is tender, and you +speak in such praise of this Matura's beauty, and chastity, that I +shall surely go to bed weeping, if, indeed, I do not dream of hand +to hand combats with her hard-hearted father. I shall not forget +this affair, Mr. Commander! and shall give King Nebo to understand +that I know all about the dirty tricks of his ancestors." + +"I would like to know," inquired Mr. Tickler, "if there was anything +said in the manuscript left by the priest, about his seeing Spark +Island rise from the sea with his own eyes?" + +"Nothing could have been more minutely described," replied the +commander. "One moment there was only a broad sea-plain before him, +in the next he saw it shoot up like a spark, which was why he called +it Spark Island." Mr. Tickler declared himself entirely satisfied +with this explanation, and was sure the priest could not have been +mistaken. + +When the night was far advanced the general and his secretary +retired to their cabins, where they slept soundly, and awoke on the +following morning, to find the ship safely moored in a snug little +cove or harbor, opposite the Village of Buzabub, a seaport on the +Coast of Kalorama, and so buried in Mango and Pride of India trees, +as nearly to conceal the few shabby dwellings it contained. The +general was up before the monkeys began to chatter, and anxiously +paced the deck, in his new uniform, seeming to care for no one but +old Battle, whom he every few minutes stopped to congratulate on the +termination of the voyage, all of which the faithful animal seemed +perfectly to understand. In truth, the general had evinced so much +solicitude for his horse during the passage, that the officers and +men were quite as much diverted with the proofs of affection +displayed by the faithful animal, as they were at the eccentricities +of his master. + +When then the general had paced the deck a sufficient length of +time, he repaired to the cabin of his secretary, saying: "Friend +Tickler, my learned secretary, get speedily up, for this is to be +the most important day of my life, outshining, by far, the day of my +reception in New York. Get up, write me a speech that shall become +this remarkable event, and so mix it up with Latin sentences, that +these savages will take me for a profound scholar, and pay me +courtesy accordingly; for I have a fear of their knives, which, I am +told, have terminated the existence of several ambassadors." + + + + + + +CHAPTER XLVIII. + +ONE OF THE MOST TRUTHFUL ACCOUNTS OF HOW GENERAL POTTER SPENT A +NIGHT AMONG THE DEAD. + + + + + +TICKLER rose quickly from his bath, and applied himself diligently +to the manufacturing of a most wonderful speech for his master. Nor +was he at a loss for Latin sentences; for, having provided himself +with a book of Latin proverbs, he could have supplied a mob of +politicians with speeches, every word of which was Latin. + +And so anxious was Tickler to serve his master, that he broke not +his fast during the morning; nor, indeed, was he aware that +breakfast was over, until the booming of thirteen guns brought him +to a sense of his position. And those thirteen guns were intended +for a salute, and were quite enough for a town so poor that it had +not wherewith to answer them; and on that score, excused itself, for +what might otherwise have been set down for a grave insult. But the +general set every gun down in honor of himself, and was so vain of +his exalted position, that he approached the commander, saying: "I +thank you heartily for the great honor you have just paid me in the +guns; and, let me tell you, sir, I value the compliment more, since +it comes from one so worthy of his country as yourself. You have +displayed great fortitude and valor during this perilous voyage, +which I shall not forget to mention in my dispatches, while my +secretary will make due note of it in his letters to the newspapers, +and I say it to you in confidence, he is correspondent for no less +than seven." The commander bowed, and, smiling, thanked the general +for this expression of his high regard. + +A fleet of canoes was now seen putting off from shore. Advancing +with great speed they soon reached the ship, which they surrounded, +while one of their number, bearing two tawny chiefs, and a priest, +who acted as an interpreter, made fast alongside. The chiefs and the +priest came speedily on board, and were welcomed by the commander, +with no little ceremony. And as the chiefs were decked out in a +great profusion of feathers, and cloaks of as many colors as the +rainbow, the general set them down for at least sons of the king, +and commenced addressing them accordingly, when he was suddenly +interrupted by the commander, who informed him that they were only +messengers sent by the father, or chief magistrate of the village, +to inquire for what object the ship was come. And when informed of +the great and important character of the mission, they presented the +ambassador, as they were pleased to call the general, with two +parrots and a male monkey, as a token of the friendship intended by +their king, and also as a means of dispelling all apprehensions of +evil designs. This done, the priest was invited into the cabin, +where, to his great delight, refreshments were served, to which were +added sundry strong beverages, which he drank with such avidity and +evident relish, that the commander began to have fears for the +safety of his understanding. Being a man of great compassion, the +commander got the priest away. Thereupon he joined the chief, and +together they returned to make preparations for the reception of our +hero and his secretary. And when it was well nigh high noon, the +general and his secretary disembarked amidst the booming of guns and +the huzzas of the crew. And although this afforded him no small +amount of pleasure, he expressed great anxiety lest the landing of +old Battle be delayed another minute; "for," said he, "if it be +necessary to make an impression on these savages, then let me have +my horse, and you shall see how quick I will do it." As these little +evidences of his weakness only served the more to divert the +officers, they proceeded forthwith to effect the landing. Scarcely +had he set foot on shore, however, when he was surrounded by a swarm +of tawny beings, naked almost to the buff, and so eager to get a +sight at so great an ambassador, that they pressed forward with a +clamor that threatened the most serious results to life and limbs, +at the same time interposing a serious impediment to the progress of +his train. Nor did his great rotundity, and the queer figure he cut +in his uniform tend to lesson their excitement; for they commenced +capering round him, hooting, and performing the most amusing +antics,-all of which he mistook for expressions of gratitude and +joy. But as it was a custom with our government to select for +ministers men who could not understand one word of the language +spoken at the court to which they were accredited, so in this +instance did its results prove highly fortunate; for, as neither +could understand a word the other said, our government was saved +from being called upon to resent the most flagrant outrages ever +offered to one of its ministers. But as fortune always favors the +great and chivalrous, the priest with whom he had an interview in +the morning, suddenly came to the rescue, and so great was his power +over the poor natives, that they held their peace at the raising of +his finger, and dispersed to a respectful distance at his bidding. + +Diminutive asses were now brought, and when the company were +mounted, the priest escorted them, on foot, to a little chapel, in +which were assembled divers other priests and dignitaries, whose +raiment bore a strong resemblance to the venerable wardrobe of one +of our bankrupt theatres. Here the general was welcomed by the +priest, in return for which he delivered them the speech prepared +for him by his secretary. But not one word of the Latin that +gentleman had so liberally thrown in, could the priests understand, +though they were complete masters of the tongue. + +As for the town itself, it was composed of detached huts, built of +mud and sticks, and in keeping with the degraded condition of the +poor natives, between whom and the priests and renegades, who +affected to govern them, a strange confusion of understandings +existed. In speaking of renegades, it may be well to mention that +the town seemed to swarm with flaxen-headed children, some toddling +about in their bare buff, some basking in the sun, and others +devouring plantains and pomegranates. Indeed, there were various +proofs of an infusion of renegade blood, rarely met with in so +remote a country. Further observation also discovered the fact, that +even the dogs, and the pigs, and the cattle were a cross with other +species of animals, and partook largely of the spirit of animosity +that ruled between the priests and the renegades. In truth, no two +could be found living in harmony. And strange as it may seem, the +natives of Buzabub, although bountifully supplied with whiskey, +powder and priests, were at the lowest point of civilization. And +yet, heaven knows, these modern messengers of civilization had done +much to sweep away the primitive virtues of the poor Kaloramas. + +When the ceremony of presentation was over, and such hospitalities +as the town afforded proffered the general and his secretary, they +were made comfortable at the house of a priest, for three days must +elapse before the kings's permission to proceed to Nezub, which was +some ten leagues inland, would arrive; and no ambassador ever dared +to advance without it. The general was also informed that it was +customary for all great ambassadors to travel in a sort of +palanquin, borne by four stalwarth natives, who were relieved every +two miles. And this journey, he was gravely assured, would occupy +not less than eight days; but as the train would be accompanied by a +priest and two renegades (the latter acting as interpreters), the +time would pass pleasantly enough. "Odds me!" exclaimed the general; +"but this riding in such a machine, Mr. Priest, does not comport +with my notion of dignity." "Your excellence," replied the priest, +"must remember that there are various opinions as to what +constitutes true dignity. For myself, I hold to Saint Peter's +notion, that a man may maintain his dignity, though clothed in +sackcloth. And since no really great ambassador ever thought of +travelling in any other manner, I think you may venture to follow +their example, without fear of damaging your dignity." This so +completely reconciled the general, that he declared all his +objections removed, and enjoined the priest not to think him a whit +behind any ambassador he might have in his eye. But Mr. Tickler was +seriously discomfitted. "Pray," said he, with an air of great +anxiety, "will your reverence be good enough to say how I am to +accompany his excellency, for I am a poor critic, and know but +little of these affairs." + +"Secretaries," rejoined the priest, "follow their masters, mounted +on a mule, and he in turn is followed by two renegades, similarly +mounted; the priest following, mounted on an ass. And this is +strictly in accordance with an ancient custom, for the priest being +necessary to the strict morality of the train, it is becoming that +he should humble himself." Mr. Tickler shook his head, and was +evidently much disappointed at the shabby position he was to occupy +in the train. Indeed, he wished himself back in New York a dozen +times, and swore he would consider it a kindness if the devil had +his secretaryship. Encouraged, however, with extravagant promises of +what the future might have in store for him, he betook himself +diligently in writing long and very eulogistic articles to the New +York newspapers, in which he described the great deference paid them +by the officers during the voyage, the wonderful reception at +Buzabub, the great resources of the country, and the immense +advantages that must resnlt from this mission. Nor did Tickler +forget to mention that General Roger Potter was exactly the man to +effect all our objects. Three whole days did the cunning critic +occupy in the preparation of these marvellous accounts; which were +so well larded with Latin quotations that the writers for "Putnam" +went into ecstacies of delight over their great literary merits. + +During this time the general became a lion of no small dimensions, +and whether mounted on old Battle, or afoot, was so great an object +of attraction that a swarm of urchins, from the smallest toddler in +his buff to the more mature imp of fourteen, persisted in following +close at his heels, presenting him with pomegranates and plantains, +and, indeed, offering him such salutations as their instincts +directed; for they fancied him the great school-master they had been +told would one day come from the East to teach them how to be great +men. + +While all these things, then, were progressing, and the general +seemed leaping to the apex of his fame, the officers of the ship, +not content with the joke they had already perpetrated, resolved on +having such a parting with him as would be both amusing and +instructive. They therefore invited him to a grand banquet, which +they represented as given out of sheer respect to his rare qualities +as a diplomatist. And as he held all these ovations as so many +jewels in the coronet of his popularity, the invitation was readily +accepted. In truth, he flattered himself that news of this grand +banquet would get to the ears of the king, who, seeing how much he +was esteemed by his own countrymen, could not fail to make him any +concession he might demand. He thereupon commanded his secretary to +make him a speech of great strength and beauty, that he might +astonish them quite as much with the profoundness of his learning as +with the clearness of his understanding. "Faith! I am ready to write +your excellency speeches by the dozen, with the quality to your +mind; but as you never stick to one of them, I would suggest that if +you but condescend to advance me a trifle of my salary, I can employ +the time much more to my liking; for several comely damsels, with +rich olive complexions, have already sang to me, and, as your +excellency knows, I am a critic of tender parts." + +"I see your drift, friend Tickler. But keep the devil from your +elbow and you will soon forget the songs of these damsels. If they +throw a sly wink or two, turn your back and walk away. Do this, and +I will answer for your virtue. As to the speeches, no man could have +made them more to my mind; and it was merely to show you the breadth +of my own capacity that I did not stick to them." + +"Yes, and there's the Latin! Though I crammed in my whole book of +quotations, you would so hack it up in the delivery that neither the +priests nor the devil could understand a word of it," curtly +retorted Mr. Tickler. + +When night came, they all prepared for the banquet, which, although +not so sumptuous as those given in New York to great officials, was +by no means a meagre affair, since it included a variety of dishes +held as great delicacies by the Kaloramas. As to wines, the officers +had an ample supply brought from the ship. All stronger beverages +were got of the host of the inn in which the banquet was to come +off, a fellow calling himself Fareni Faschi, but whose real name was +Philip Fitzpatrick, a renegade who had committed crimes enough in +New York, which place he trusted to his heels and left, in order to +save his neck. Not to keep the reader longer in suspense, I will +here inform him, whether gentle or simple, that no such banquet had +ever before been given in Buzabub, and that General Potter took his +seat on the right of the chairman, (who was no less a person than +the commander!) amidst the sounding of trumpets and the jingling of +symbol-bells. And so scrupulous was he of his uniform, that an +attendant placed before him-not a napkin-but a large tablecloth, +which so added to the humorous aspect of his face that even the +priests present could not resist a smile. All now proceeded as +jubilant as a marriage in Canon. The general gorged himself as never +minister gorged himself before. Even Mr. Tickler, who sat at his +right, looked with astonishment at the skill and alacrity with which +his master demolished the various dishes set before him. As to the +punches, highly-spiced cordials, and wines, he mixed them +indiscriminately, and drank them with such a rapidity that Tickler +became alarmed for the safety of his understanding. Indeed, it was +so evident that his intellect was becoming deranged that the +officers ordered the courses hurried as much as possible, for they +were anxious to be rid of the priests, before whom they would not +for the world have their country's great representative do aught +damaging to his reputation. When, then, the attendants came to +remove the cloth, the general looked up with astonishment, and +addressed one of them thus: "I would not have you stop for me, +gentlemen waiters, for I am a slow and dainty eater, and would like +another turn at that well-seasoned pie." Tickler, who had been no +way dainty about the number of glasses he quietly quaffed, touched +his master significantly on the elbow. "Your excellency has need to +look well to his manners," said he, "for those priests have their +eyes polished, and are whispering no good." + +"That dish of which your excellency has eaten with so much relish," +rejoined the waiter, "is snale patte, a dish so rare and savory that +it is all eaten up: but if your excellency will be patient we will +have some more prepared expressly for him." + +"Heavens, sir! spare yourself the trouble; for if it be such meat I +have been eating, why then, to the priests with it; for I shall soon +need a doctor." The priests overheard this remark, and thereupon +arose, returned thanks, and retired. The chairman rose as soon as +they were gone and made a speech, which he addressed to our hero, +and with such clever irony that he sent the whole company into a +titter. He congratulated our country on the possession of so famous +a diplomatist as General Potter, a gentleman whose name would be a +gem in our history, and whose wonderful achievements as a statesman +had shed lustre upon our country's fame. "We have accompanied him +here in safety; we regret to part with him; but feeling that he will +prove himself a faithful sentinel of our country's interests, we +devoutly pray that his mission may be an unprecedented round of +successes," said he. Indeed, he astonished every one present with +his facility for paying compliments, and so confused the general +that he was at a loss what to say in reply. In short, he declared +government had a rich inheritance in such persons, and was moved by +a wise policy in sending abroad gentlemen not encumbered with a +whole Babylon of tongues. + +When the chairman had finished his speech the general rose with +great pomp and circumstance to reply. He cast a wild and confused +look about him, and then paused as if to collect his thoughts. "It +must not be said of me that making speeches is not one of my +functions, for, as your honor knows, I have made a score of them +recently; but that which I just now had so pat at my tongue's end, +and was just the speech for you, has got right out of my head, which +just now feels like a split mountain. What you say of my services to +my country is true enough; for I am none of your thieving +politicians, but a man who acts under the patronage of honesty, +which heaven knows is enough for any patriot. Faith of my father! +and I can tell you that these expressions of sincerity and esteem +gratify me much, for they are like so many suns and stars in the +firmament of my glory-" + +"If your excellency would only throw in a little of the Latin," +interrupted Mr. Tickler, in a whisper; "such another chance will not +offer these three years." But he resumed, heedless of the +admonition: "And I would have every man who goes abroad carry his +country in his pocket, not forgetting to take it out now and then +for the purpose of worship." The speaker here became confused, and +after making several ineffectual efforts to continue, settled into +his chair and held his peace, as the commander and most of the +guests took their departure, much gratified with the evening's +entertainment. The general was now left with the officers and his +secretary. And these fine young gentlemen were so bent on mischief +that they pledged the "ambassador" and Mr. Tickler in bumpers, and +with such rapidity that both were soon in a state of stupefaction. +And for the nonce they laid the general full length upon the table. +Mr. Tickler they placed in a sort of pillory with his hands and feet +secured, his face painted most hideously, and the stuffed image of a +huge Indian of savage aspect, fronting him, his spear poised. + +And now, when it was passed midnight; when every snake in Buzabub +had coiled himself up, shut his eyes and gone quietly to sleep; when +pestering centipedes, lizards, and cockroaches were gone peaceably +to their holes; and not even a monkey winked, lest he disturb the +elements, which were hushed into perfect silence,-there might have +been seen at the door of the inn no less an animal than old Battle, +harnessed to a vehicle quite resembling those hearses used in the +villages of New Jersey, and presenting in the pale moonlight a +figure both forlorn and ludicrous. And this was further increased by +a figure representing Death, mounted upon the poor animal, with his +scythe and glass adjusted-the whole presenting a picture of death +very like that described in Revelations as seated upon the pale +horse. The face of the figure was deathly pale, his raiment was a +sheet, and a tall, white cap was on his head; and for the rest he +was in his buff. On the hinder part of the vehicle a figure of Time +was mounted; while still another, representing the devil, was +gravely mounted on a seat in front. Four mischievously-inclined +gentlemen now made their appearance, staggering under the weight of +our great and wonderful "ambassador," whom they thrust, +head-foremost, into the vehicle. Never was minister plenipotentiary +handled with so little ceremony: never was so famous a war-horse +made to perform such shabby service, to the serious damage of his +master's great reputation. + +At the word, this curiously-equipped cortege drove rapidly to a +great grotto, in which the distinguished dead of Nezub were placed, +preparatory to being prayed through purgatory by the priests. And +here, having safely secured and barricaded the entrance, General +Roger Potter--statesman, philosopher, warrior, and politician--was +left to sleep in the company of his faithful horse and the dead. + + + + + + +CHAPTER XLIX. + +WHICH TREATS OF WHAT TOOK PLACE WHEN THE GENERAL AND HIS SECRETARY +GAINED THEIR UNDERSTANDINGS. + + + + + +LIKE one slowly regaining from a state of stupor, with a generally +disordered system and grievously sore bones, the general came to his +understanding on the following morning, and to his utter +astonishment found himself in a position where he could neither move +to the right nor the left. All was dark, and a silence as of the +tomb reigned. He had a dim recollection of the banquet; the vagaries +of his past life flashed through his mind; the grand achievements he +had fancied marking his future dwindled into disappointment. "As I'm +a sinner," said he, struggling in vain to extricate himself, "this +mission of mine is not all sunshine and feather beds." He now heard +the kicking and frisking of his horse, and becoming somewhat +alarmed, bawled out at the top of his voice for Father Segong and +his secretary. But as his wily secretary was in no condition to come +to his relief, even had he been within hearing distance, and the +good priest was fast asleep in his chamber, the only reply he got +was the echoes of his own bawlings. Mistaking the nature of the +sounds, he came to the conclusion that the good priest had turned +joker, and was trifling with his misfortunes. Losing his patience, +then, he called his elbows into service, and succeeded after much +perturbation in escaping feet-foremost from his shell. And as he +stood erect upon his feet, a thousand queer fancies again crowded +upon his mind and so haunted his imagination that all his courage +vanished, and he began to feel in his heart that he had fallen into +a trance, and been buried alive by the priests, who had left him in +a state of probation until they could find time to pray him through +purgatory. He felt and felt about the vehicle and the horse, who was +so high of bone that he at once recognized him. "Battle! Battle! my +trusty friend!" he exclaimed, almost dissolved in tears, "could I +have seen that this was to be our end!" And with these words of +condolence he patted him upon the neck until the animal was so +deeply moved that he acknowledged the kindness with a neigh that +sent all the bats in the grotto to fluttering; the noise of which +was like distant thunder, and sent such a thrill of terror to the +heart of our warrior that he opened not his mouth for several +minutes. Indeed, as his courage had run out, he was upon the eve of +giving himself up to despair. But discovering the cause, and +suddenly calling to mind that he was a military man, as well as a +politician, he regained his courage for the nonce, and feeling for +his sword, which, fortunately, he had left at home, declared he +would be the death of every bat in the cave. + +The writer of this history, duly mindful of the value of truth, and +moved by the great regard for that high honor and sincerity which +rules at this day, feels constrained here to confess that the +general was not without a suspicion that there might be a joke at +the bottom of it all. He therefore commenced searching for an +opening, but had not proceeded far when a faint gleam of light +flashed through a crevice near the entrance, and, to his horror, +discovered rows of rude coffins, standing upright, but with the +ghastly faces of their inmates exposed, and made more unnatural by a +pale glow of light playing over them. "Protect me, O father, +protect me, for I am but a weak sinner, at thy mercy," he muttered, +and fell upon his knee, as every ounce of his courage left him; +several times he essayed to continue his prayer, but as praying was +no part of his political creed, and was little practised by military +men, his tongue failed to serve him. Sure now that he had been +buried alive, he gave out several loud shrieks, and regaining his +thoughts, said in a low, supplicating tone, "I acknowledge, O +forgiving Lord, to have committed manifold sins, and to have merited +the devil and his punishment, since, being a politician, I have told +lies enough to sink a kingdom. Forgive me for the many stories I +have told. I never was in Mexico, and solemnly declare that if you +will be merciful to me, and restore me to my family, that I may not +die in this charnel house, to forsake the life of a politician, and +so devote myself to doing your will that when the end comes I shall +surely be fit for the kingdom of heaven. Yes, merciful and forgiving +Lord, there's that story of my first adventure in New York; draw +near and forgive me, for I solemnly declare there is not a grain of +truth in the whole of it, as you will see by comparing it with the +facts of history." Again his tongue failed to serve him in prayer; +again he yielded to his doubts; again he commenced shrieking at the +very top of his voice. And this proved a most fortunate expedient, +for an Indian girl, straying that way, overheard these distressing +cries, and surmising that they proceeded from the grotto, hastened +to the door, and letting down a little trap, a stream of light was +admitted into the cave, when she discovered the general, who as +suddenly started to his feet, and forgetting his promises to the +angels, ran to the trap, and looking out into a sort of trench, +demanded of the girl, (she was running terrified unto death,) that +she stop and relieve him from his perilous position. But the girl +ran screaming to the inn, and bid the host get to the grotto, "for" +said she, in her own tongue, "I saw the devil in it, and he is +surely the devil, for my eyes are good, and he looks exactly as +father Segong describes him." + +The host and several of the officers, swearing to have vengeance of +the perpetrators of so foul a deed, hastened to the grotto, tore +away the barricades, and affecting great indignation at the insult +offered their representative, set him free. Indeed he had no sooner +sallied forth than they beset him with offers of assistance to +ferret out and hang the robbers, who they had not a doubt were the +authors of this grave attempt on his life. They also vied with each +other in offering him their regrets, which were bestowed with so +much apparent sincerity that he was almost moved to tears, and at +once set himself down as a man in no want of warm and true-hearted +friends. "Verily, gentlemen, I thought my end was come, but my +courage was not shaken a whit; I just resigned myself, for the +soldier who fears death deserves a good hanging. But, pray Mr. +Landlord, for you are no fool, what sort of a place do you call +that! And if you say it was robbers who played me this dirty trick, +why, I am content; but I have a notion that the priests know +something about it, and in truth took this method of being rid of +me, as well as getting a job at praying me into a better world." The +general said this with so much simplicity of manner that the +officers were astonished at his self-complacency. As to the host, he +replied with becoming gravity, assuring the general that it was no +trick of the priests, who were good and holy men, but of the Tutack +robbers, who came from a neighboring country, and were much given to +carrying off travellers of distinction, for whose ransom they +demanded large sums. "If you will but give me the name of this +country," interposed one of the officers, "we will sail there with +the frigate, and take revenge for this insult offered to our +representative; yes, we will blow down every town on the seaboard." + +"If there be towns to blow down, the order must come from me, +gentlemen. But we will let that matter rest until I get my army," +rejoined the general, rubbing his eyes, and continuing to disfigure +his face by mixing the colors with which they had painted it. + +They had now reached the inn when they assisted him in washing his +face, which they swore the bats had sadly disfigured. They also +convinced him that they had been since grey dawn, searching the +country round for him, which increased his confidence in their +sincerity. And when he was restored to his natural brightness, and +felt within himself that his dignity had not received the slightest +damage, and indeed that such small misfortunes in no way interfered +with his capacity to make great treaties in behalf of his country, +the officers escorted him to the house of good father Segong, and +then took a final leave of him. Not a word did they lisp concerning +what had befallen his secretary. + +On entering the house, which he did with a slight misgiving as to +the quality of reception he would meet, the priest greeted him +warmly, and made known to him the anxiety he had felt at his +absence. "For," said he, "prayers were postponed, and breakfast has +waited your excellency nearly an hour." Being told that his +secretary was in the next room, he immediately repaired thither, and +was much concerned to find him in great grief of mind. "If your +excellency will but discharge me here, and put me in a way to get +the trifle that is due me, that I may not starve while seeking my +way home, he shall have my prayers all the rest of his life," spoke +the secretary, looking up with so solemn a countenance that no man +of heart could have withheld his pity. + +"Pray, friend Tickler, what has befallen you?" inquired the general, +with an air of astonishment. + +"Yes! what has befallen me? That's neither here nor there! If +instead of assisting you in making treaties, going to court, and +enjoying ladies of distinction, the functions of a secretary consist +in his being the victim of everybody's jokes, and getting trundled +about like a Connecticut bumpkin, then I have no love for the +office, and am resolved to return to my profession of critic; for I +hold it better a man starve to death, than to be killed outright by +these tortures." Not satisfied with this explanation, the general +demanded that he should proceed. Tickler thereupon gave him an +account of what had occurred; saying that when he came to his +senses, he found the Indian facing him, with a poised spear; and +indeed everything that took place, except the fury exited by his +fears, and the manner in which he alternately shouted and prayed +until he was released; to all of which the general listened +attentively, but lisped not a word concerning his own troubles. In +short, it was no difficult matter to see that Mr. Tickler had been +harshly dealt with. "Friend Tickler!" exclaimed the general, "being +a man of strong understanding, it is not becoming of you to take +these trifles so to heart. And you are mistaken if you set it down +to those young gentlemen, for I can swear it was done by the Tutack +robbers, who were bent on having your money. But remember, that the +more fortitude you display during the assaults of your enemies, the +better will you be prepared to enjoy the luxuries that are in store +for us both. Pray remember what glory there is in being a great +diplomatist, which I warrant to make you. As to money, why, your +pockets shall be full when we get to Nezub. Drive these trifles from +your mind, let your thoughts be on your country, and when the time +comes, I will make you a major, for I see you have gallantry!" + +"It is well your excellency says that, since no man can say aught +against my gallantry. And if it be to put it to this test, then I +stick to your excellency, if he go to the devil." They now returned +and took breakfast with the priest, receiving his blessing when it +was over, and then proceeded to make preparations for the journey. + + + + + + +CHAPTER L. + +IN WHICH THE READER WILL FIND THE MOST FAITHFUL ACCOUNT OF THE +JOURNEY TO NEZUB; AND ALSO WHAT TOOK PLACE WHEN GENERAL POTTER WAS +PRESENTED TO THE KING. + + + + + +WHEN it was high noon, the usually quiet town of Buzabub was +suddenly thrown into a state of great commotion. Horns were sounded, +reeds blown, and bells jingled. In fine, so many and various were +the ways in which homage was paid to the departure of the "great +ambassador," that it would be impossible to enumerate them in this +history. + +A messenger now entered the priest's house to announce the readiness +of the train; and as his reverence had prepared his saddle-bags and +umbrella, and laid in a good stock of provisions, he led the way +into the street, followed by the general and his secretary. Here +they found the renegades, both clad in loose robes, already mounted +on their mules, which displeased the good father, for he was a man +of courtesy, and knew what was due to rank. After some debate as to +the position old Battle should take, it was agreed that he follow +next the palanquin, and be led by a native; and this so delighted +the general, that he promised to remember it all the rest of his +life. He then took his seat, satisfied with himself and all the rest +of mankind. And the priest having mounted his ass, and Mr. Tickler +his mule, this wonderful train of cattle, so remarkably mounted, set +off under a burning sun, the general in the van, and the priest +bringing up the rear, with his broad umbrella spread. As for the +provision bearers, they shouldered their packs, and were followed by +a tumultuous throng, sounding horns and cheering until they had +reached some distance beyond the town. + +For seven days they journeyed in this pleasant manner, resting to +take refreshments three times a day, pitching their tents at night +beneath palm trees, or in mango groves, interspersing mass and +prayers with various amusements for the diversion of the general and +the priest, who was a good lover of jokes, and indeed had no very +high opinion of those of his order who go about with doleful +countenances. And when they were halted, the general got of the +priest much concerning the differences existing between his order +and the renegades, between whom a deadly fued existed, both +struggling for an ascendancy in the government. Tickler also found +excellent companions in the renegades, with whom he discussed +matters of ancestry and books, of which both professed to know much, +though truely they were ignorant men, and as great knaves as ever +left their own country to pester the authorities of another. They +were also curious to learn of Tickler what had brought his master to +Kalorama; but on that score he was as ignorant as themselves, though +of his master's influence at home he assured them no man had more. +He also gave them a wonderful account of his many achievements in +war. + +Thus they journeyed, the simple-minded inhabitants of each village +through which they passed welcoming them with salutations of joy, +paying great reverence to the priest and his ass, and regaling them +with fruits and such other refreshments as their humble plantations +afforded. + +Starting early on the morning of the eighth day, they had proceeded +some four miles up a gradually inclining slope, when the City of +Nezub appeared in sight, on the brow of a hill, almost buried in a +grove of palms, and surrounded by picturesque scenery, over which +the clear atmosphere threw a charm not easily described. Clumps of +mango, palm, and olive trees gave a beautiful contrast to the softer +herbage on the slopes; while the earth seemed teeming with the +richest flowers, impregnating the air with their sweet odors. + +When they were within a mile of the city, numerous shabby-looking +dignitaries, and a great concourse of half-naked people, came out to +meet them, and amidst music and rejoicing accompanied them to the +city, and indeed, seemed anxious to carry the priest and his ass on +their shoulders, though they were inclined to make derision of old +Battle's shabby appearance. And now, when the bearers had carried +the general to a little cottage, provided for him at the expense of +the king, and he was safely lodged in his quarters, the good priest +took leave of him with a prayer for his soul, and went to his home +feeling that he had rendered all the service required of him. "Upon +my soul," said the general, when the priest was gone, "but they +would not make all this ceremony if they knew the drift of my mind. +Take notice, Tickler, that they have here a fine country, which is +so scurvily governed, that to my mind there would be no harm in +taking it away from them." + +"Your excellency knows best about that," replied Mr. Tickler, "but +the devil take me if I want to share the hanging you might get in +playing at that game. Please run your eye over the instructions, and +see what they say on that head." + +"I see, friend Tickler, that you are not skilled in these matters, +for you cannot tell what is in the egg until you break it. And as it +is customary with the best of our ministers to look over instead of +into their instructions, you will not find me behind any of them, +for I intend to astonish with the audacity of my undertakings. Mark +that well. And if you have not courage to join me in these things, +why, the quicker you get home the better, for I hold that a man of +your metal is always best off where his gallantry and such other +graces as heaven has blessed him with will attract most adorers." + +"Faith of my mother! but your excellency talks queerly. I have not a +dollar in my pocket, and you bid me get home over a road lined with +robbers" interrupted Mr. Tickler. "Now that I am here, and owe a +service to the country of my adoption, it shall not be said that I +left your excellency, who will see my courage come out when he +affords me an opportunity." They now spent three days in close +consultation on the precise language necessary in addressing the +king at the first audience, which he had signified his readiness, to +grant on the morning of the fourth day. The general insisted that it +be interpersed with so much latin as to confuse both the king and +the interpreter, though both were profound scholars. "I have rare +skill in mixing latin, as your excellency knows but you grind it up +so in the delivery that neither the king nor the devil can +understand a word of it. And as your English is good enough for the +best of them, I would advise you to stick to it, since no great +military man ever gained anything by dabbling in classics." This so +touched the chord on which all the general's weaknesses hung that he +went right into a rapsody of delight. "I begin to be of your way of +thinking, friend Tickler," said he, tossing his head approvingly. "I +have speeches enough in my head, and am resolved to make the first +that comes to my tongues end." + +And now, when the morning on which they were to have an audience +with the king was come, the general arrayed himself in his best +uniform, not forgetting his three cornered hat and white gloves; and +mounting old Battle as Mr. Tickler mounted his mule, they proceeded +to the king's palace, a rude building of palm logs, situated in a +pretty square, and surrounded by shade trees and clustering vines. +Here they were received with the blowing of horns and jingling of +bells; which continued to keep up a deafening sound while they were +being conducted into the presence of his majesty, who wore a bright +red cloak, and a hat quite resembling that of a Beadle. In +complexion his majesty was a shade darker than ebony, and as to +figure, he was as stalwarth a sovereign, though perhaps not as clean +a one, as could be found in all the kingdoms round about: in short, +if his majesty was none of the cleanest, he at least wore a +contented air, which is rare with kings. And as he sat on his throne +of ingeniously woven palm-leaves, he seemed more intent on viewing +his pipes and holding a parley with various priests than listening +to the address of the famous representative. Indeed I very much +doubt if a wiser king ever lived, for he evinced a happy +indifference for anything but his own comfort. A fellow of ponderous +belly and face, calling himself Don Perez Goneti, but whose real +name was Peletiah Anseeth, a renegade, and as arrant a rascal as +ever left Georgia to save his neck, now came forward, and addressing +the general, informed him that he was the king's keeper, and +lawgiver to the nation. This announcement surprised the general, for +the man was dressed in a yellow tunic, with blue tights, and a red +ruffle about his neck. In fine, it must be confessed that this Don +Perez Goneti bore a much stronger resemblance to an escaped convict, +or a street juggler, than to a great lawgiver. A consultation now +took place between this great lawgiver and the general, as to +whether the speech of the latter would be acceptable to his majesty. +"For," said the lawgiver, "his majesty is no fool." "And if he takes +me for one, it will not be wise of him!" replied the general. The +lawgiver now presented the general, with uncommon ceremony. And +although the king bowed, it was evident he regarded the +plenipotentiary with inward suspicion, and would have thanked heaven +to be rid of both him and his secretary. The general tugged up his +breeches, and with an air of self-complacency truly admirable, spoke +as follows, the lawgiver acting as interpreter. "May it please your +majesty, to whose gracious consideration I commend myself, I am +general Roger Sherman Potter, of whom I make no doubt your majesty +has heard enough said. And this gentleman (here he turned to Mr. +Tickler) is my secretary, perhaps not so well known, but, +nevertheless, a man of reputation." + +The king yawned and inquired of his minister what the queer looking +man said. + +"He says your majesty is a great potentate, which is true enough. +But he requests that you acknowlege him the greatest living +ambassador! Honestly, your majesty, he has great skill as a jester, +which I take it is why he was sent here." + +"Let him proceed, for if he be a fool, what he says touching our +greatness may be turned to profit. Let him proceed, that he prove +the wisdom of his government in sending him." The lawgiver now bid +the general proceed. + +"Here are my credentials," resumed the general, "and if your majesty +will run his eye over them, he will see that the president of the +United States accredits me minister extraordinary to your majesty's +court. That being a proof of his good will, he hopes you will return +it with similar testimony. Of the good nature of our president no +man can say a word but in praise; and I can swear he entertains a +high opinion of your royal person, is earnestly desirous of +preserving peace between us, and resolved to respect that comity +which should rule among nations so distinguished, and without which +neither of us can get along, seeing that we have so many sympathies +in common. As for myself, all I have to say is that your majesty +will find my conduct so squared as to be acceptable in your eyes, +for Heaven is with the peacemakers." Here the general paused as Don +Perez Goneti proceeded to the interpretation. + +"The man talks so strangely, that may the priests hang me if I know +what to make of it. But this I do know: he says many things that +would not be pleasing to your majesty's refined ears; such for +instance, as that your majesty governs so badly, and has so little +knowledge for turning the vast resources of his country to +advantage, that the president of the United States seriously +contemplates taking the matter in hand, for he knows it would be +acceptable to the saints as well as your ill-governed people." At +this, his sable majesty went right into a passion and so conducted +himself, ordering the queer strangers, as he called them, taken into +the plaza and hanged, without further ceremony, that General Potter +and Mr. Tickler (neither of whom could understand a word he said) +set him down for a madman, inquired of the lawgiver what it all +meant, and began to have fears for their safety. Indeed the state of +confusion that reigned in the audience chamber came well-nigh +putting an end to this remarkable mission. "Pray Mr. Lawgiver, what +is the matter with the king, for he acts like a man who has lost his +understanding?" inquired the general. + +"It is only a freak of his; and if you would have the truth of it, I +can tell you, that he is berating these vagabond priests, who give +him no peace of his life." Don Perez Goneti then turned to the king, +and said: "If your majesty will but listen another minute, he may +hear something more pleasing, for the ambassador says he has +something good in store." + +"Let him proceed then," replied the king, "and if he redeem himself, +the hanging shall be spared." The general resumed, while Mr. Tickler +trembled in his boots. + +"It is come to the president's knowledge, that your majesty is in +possession of several valuable Islands, which in their present +condition yield no revenue. Therefore he has directed me to say that +he will relieve you of them, and turn their fruits to such uses as +Heaven ordained they should fulfill. And I can tell your majesty +that the president has a remarkable taste for Islands, and so long +as he can get them, cares not a whit for the means!" + +"May it please your majesty, this great ambassador has a most +fertile imagination, to which he adds a supple tongue. He says the +evils of your reign are the natural results of the mischievous +interference on the part of the priests; and that the President of +the United States, having resolved that this state of things shall +no longer exist, has instructed him to seize upon all your Islands, +and turn their fruits to such uses as Heaven has ordained." This so +exasperated the king, that he swore, in the language of his country, +that he verily believed the persons before him vagabonds sent by the +devil to disturb the peace of his country. Nor indeed were the +priests backward in stirring the mischief, for they whispered among +themselves that he ought to be well hanged for the slur flung at +their order. "Take these men away!" exclaimed the king in the +height of his passion, which he was saved from further betraying by +the uplifted hand of the priests; "and tomorrow morning at +parrot-wink let them be well hanged in the plaza." The king and the +priests now retired in great confusion, which so astounded General +Potter and his secretary that they must needs inquire what it all +meant, for their difference of tongues left a gloomy void between +them. And when it was explained by the lawgiver, at whose mercy they +were, they looked one at the other in consternation, and were led +away perplexed and full of sorrow. + + + + + + +CHAPTER LI. + +WHICH EXPLAINS WHY DON PEREZ GONETI PRACTISED THE DECEPTION; AND OF +THE WONDERFUL DISCOVERY OF A NEW MODE OF PUNISHING AMBASSADORS. + + + + + +WHEN it was night, and not a beetle was heard, and the guards found +great difficulty in keeping awake, Don Perez Goneti came to the +house of General Potter, disguised in the robe of a priest. He found +the general engaged over dispatches to his government, and letters +to his wife Polly; in both of which he set forth in sad and pitiful +sentences, "the dire fate" that awaited him. As for Mr. Tickler, he +had not an ounce of courage left, but was nevertheless writing +articles for the seven New York newspapers, of which he was +correspondent. According to Tickler, as set forth in these grave +articles, no greater outrage had ever been committed upon the +unoffending representatives of the United States, and for which he +demanded summary vengeance. "Gentlemen! said the intruder, +discovering himself, "I am Don Perez Goneti, the lawgiver! Fear not, +for I come to cheer you. This king, you must know, is a great knave, +and so under the thumb of the priests that an honest man like myself +is not safe a day in his office. Having long meditated his +overthrow, I come to offer you the hand of friendship in your +distress, and to say that if you will join me in carrying out my +design (I have a strong party at my command), we will teach this +king what it is to be a subject. By the saints, he has no good +will toward your country, as you have seen." + +"What you propose is exactly to my liking, for I must tell you that +the very same thing has occupied my thoughts; but since I am to be +hanged in the morning, why there's an end to all." Don Perez smiled, +and assured the general there would be no hanging, since the king +was a great coward, and feared the penalty of such an act. +"Honestly, your excellency, he has already revoked the sentence, and +substituted a novel but very harmless punishment, which when you +have endured, he will order you out of the country." This cheering +news sent a thrill of joy to Tickler's very heart, for he had been +mourning his fate, dissolved in tears; declaring at the same time +that dying in the service of ones country was not so desirable a +business. Don Perez and the general now held a long consultation, +and having sworn mutual hatred of the king and priests, agreed to +join forces and seek his speedy overthrow. Don Perez also took +charge of their letters and dispatches, which he promised to forward +to Jollifee, a town on the coast, between which certain conspirators +kept up a communication with New York. + +Having restored the general and his secretary to a state of +happiness, Don Perez took his departure, when they went quietly to +bed, giving themselves no more trouble about the hanging, and +entertaining only a slight misgiving as to the nature of the +punishment substituted. But of this they were made conscious when +morning came. And here I venture to assert that not even the most +famous inventor of prison discipline for once dreamed of so curious +a mode of punishment as that I am about to describe, and which I +seriously recommend as a cure that may be profitably applied to +vagrants, idle politicians, and all such persons as live by +destroying the peace of the community. + +When breakfast was over, three solemn-faced priests, followed by two +attendants, entered General Roger Potter's apartment, to the no +small discomfiture of Mr. Tickler, to whose mind all the horrors of +hanging suddenly returned. "Gentlemen," spoke one of the priests, +"we are come to prepare your souls for the punishment which it has +pleased our royal master to order." "Pray, your reverence, your +royal master had better be mindful lest this punishment cost him his +crown. But as you are humane gentlemen, be good enough to enlighten +us as to what sort of punishment his Majesty has substituted for the +hanging?" inquired the now undaunted general. + +"It is enjoined that we hold our peace," replied the priest; "but of +the punishment you will know quick enough." And now, when the +priests had prayed devoutly for the souls of the culprits, they +accompanied them to a building bearing a strong resemblance to a +Vermont corn-shed, where two attendants, having first stripped "the +Ambassador" and his secretary to their shirts, chained them back to +back, and in this pitiful plight compelled them to sit on a huge +block of ice, until it was dissolved. And when this punishment was +inflicted, it was ordered by the king that they be conveyed beyond +the limits of the state. "I know not what you think of this +punishment, friend Tickler," said the general, evincing much +discomfiture as he took his seat "but to my mind, this being +condemned to sit on a block of ice until it dissolves, in nowise +becomes my military position, to say nothing of my standing as a +minister." + +"Faith, your excellency, I begin to think we have both been well +fooled, for the smart of this ingenious punishment is more than I +have mettle to endure." Tickler had scarce uttered this sentence +when he began to scream at the very top of his voice; and to declare +the pain so acute that he would much prefer the hanging. + +"I am fast coming to your way of thinking, friend Tickler," replied +the general, as the priests began offering them consolation, "for +every bone from the top of my head to the soul of my feet begins +yielding to the pain, which feels as if ten thousand needles were +shooting through me." + +"Heavens!" exclaimed Tickler, "if your reverences will only relieve +us from these torments, you may commend our souls to whom you +please, for I have no ambition but to get home. If his excellency +wants to die a great martyr, I have no objection!" Here Mr. Tickler +relapsed into a state of melancholy, and gave vent to his feelings +in a flood of tears. But the priests only looked grave, and would +have offered them absolution without a change of countenance. "Bear +up, bear up, friend;" rejoined general Potter, "and keep in mind +that you suffer for your country's sake. It will soon be over, for +the ice melts fast. And if you write not of this outrage, so that it +shall fire every heart at home for revenge, then I am much mistaken +in your capacity as a critic." Thus bitterly they lamented their +fate, until the severity of the pain had well nigh exhausted their +strength, and left them in a condition which will be described in +the next chapter. + + + + + + +CHAPTER LII. + +WHICH RECORDS SEVERAL AMUSING THINGS THAT TOOK PLACE WHEN THE ICE +WAS DISSOLVED. + + + + + +NOVEL as the punishment I have described in the previous chapter may +appear to the grave reader, it was not without its severity. If any +one doubt this, let him but try the experiment, and I warrant that a +few seconds will be sufficient to convince him; and if he be of a +merry turn of mind, let him get some kind friend to try the +experiment in his presence; but be sure that the performance takes +place in the presence of not less than three priests, all of whom +must preserve the most solemn demeanor. And now to the matter of the +release. + +When then the ice was melted, and the culprits were restored to +their clothes, the general thanked the priests for their great +kindness, and congratulated himself that this most remarkable event, +which completely put to blush all the other events of his life, had +in no way damped his ardor for great military exploits. "I have +great discernment, Tickler," said the general, rubbing his haunches, +"and unless the fates come against me, rely upon it this envy of the +king will cost him dearly. A little more strength at our backs, and +I had made him dance to the tune of this sword of mine." "If your +excellency would take my advice," replied Tickler, "he would get +speedily home, for if this barbarous vagabond of a king should take +it into his head to give us another melting down on the ice, I would +not give a straw for either of our lives." An escort, mounted on +mules and asses, now arrived and put an end to this dialogue, for it +was the signal for the general and his secretary to pack up their +alls. And this being done with the assistance of the priests, they +were soon mounted, (the general upon old Battle and Mr. Tickler on +his mule,) and on their way to Jollifee, a small town on the coast, +which they reached in due season, and where this remarkable +plenipotentiary spent several months unmolested. I say unmolested, +for in truth all trace of him, so far as the public were concerned, +seemed to have been obliterated for a time; but he was in reality +busying himself carrying on a deep intrigue with Don Perez, for +getting possession of the kingdom; as to Mr. Tickler, he betook +himself to studying the language of the country, his want of which +he discovered had nearly cost him his life. + +While then they sojourned at Jollifee, various remarkable dispatches +were transmitted to Washington, in all of which the general set +forth the grievous injury done him, calling upon the government to +take the matter seriously in hand. And as it had got to the ears of +the senate at Washington that the administration had not only sent a +fool, but a crazy man, to represent us abroad, sundry grave senators +demanded the production of these despatches, since they had a +curious itching to peep into them. And as the president lost no time +in complying with this polite request, and my desire to relieve the +reader's impatience has never been doubted, I have purloined one, +which I insert here for his diversion, pledging my whole stock of +honor that it is a precious sample of the flock, and reads as +follows: "DISPATCH No. 3. "JOLLIFEE, in the Kingdom of Kalorama, +October 14th, 18-. To His Hon. the Secretary of State for the United +States. + +"As minister plenipotentiary to this Court, you will expect me to +keep you advised of all that is going on. Before you read this, +then, just run your eye over dispatches one and two, which, as you +are no fool, will straighten your ideas concerning my doings. Now, +all the ado that was made over me on my arrival, the triumph with +which I was carried in a chair to Nezub, and the courtesy +condescended by the king in providing shelter for us, was, as your +honor will regret to hear, all deception. The king is an arrant +knave, and the priests have so filled his head with evil thoughts +that he burns to have a quarrel with us. The poor natives feel well +enough toward us; and as to myself, they came to look upon me as the +light of their deliverance. And with this advantage, I had resolved +to show them that I was the man for their cause; for I am not to be +terrified by a savage, and in acting the part of a good Christian we +also serve God. Being a peaceable gentleman, as your honor knows, I +squared my address to meet all the demands of courtesy. But as your +honor instructed me that it was the president's most anxious desire +that I get as many of the king's islands as I could conveniently, I +must tell you that no sooner had I touched on that point than he +went right into a passion, conducting himself very like a New York +alderman, and ordering that I be hanged. And what made the matter +worse I had not a word of the language of the country at my tongue's +end. But the king had not courage enough to execute the hanging, and +so, after chaining me to my secretary, the fellow condemned me to +sit naked for two hours on a block of ice, which I would have your +honor know, is a punishment no man need envy. My great courage and +the fact that it is an honor to die in the service of our country +was all that saved me. And now, when you have let your patriotism +boil, pray, consider this matter gravely; and don't forget to tell +the president that with a few sturdy fellows at my back and I had +made short work of the savage who has sent me into exile at this +place, where I intend remaining for some time. With great +consideration, I remain, &c., &c., + +"ROGER SHERMAN POTTER, Minister." + +The reading of this curious document afforded the senate no little +diversion, while to the government it was a fatal stab, for it +discovered the queer order of intellects it had chosen to perform +its offices abroad. It is scarcely necessary to add that the senate, +though proverbially good natured, made it incumbent on the +administration to recall this wonderful diplomatist at an early day. +When then this news was conveyed to the general he snapped his +fingers, and instead of taking the matter seriously to heart, as is +common with many of our venerable diplomatists, directed his +secretary to say in reply, that although the office had not yet +afforded him enough to pay his debts he freely relinquished it: +indeed that having got better business he was glad enough to be rid +of an office that had a dozen times nearly brought him to death's +door. + +The secret of this independence on the part of General Potter was +soon discovered. Don Perez Goneti had declared against the +government, and had taken the field against the king and his +followers, with a band of rebels, bent on having revenge of the +priests and possession of the kingdom: while in reply to sundry +dispatches addressed to Glenmoregain, describing that he had made +such movements as placed the kingdom exactly between his thumbs, the +general had received letters advising him of the shipment of a whole +cargo of as good vagabonds as were to be had in the New York market. +In truth it was wonderful a see how credulous this opulent merchant +was; and how readily he fell into all the visionary schemes for +overthrowing governments that had their origin in the disordered +brain of my hero. As for generals, the large-eyed merchant had +consigned my hero no less than a whole mob, no two of whom could be +found to agree on a single subject, if you except emptying the +contents of a good bottle. And I verily believe had General Roger +Potter fancied a kingdom in some remote corner of the South Sea, +Glenmoregain would have furnished him the means to get possession of +it, though there was no earthly prospect of its yielding him a +dollar profit. + +And now, having got matters to his entire satisfaction, the general +flattered himself that as he was clear of all diplomatic +responsibilities, nothing now remained to put him in a position to +have revenge of his enemies but the arrival of these fighting +vagabonds and generals, at the head of whom he would, when mounted +on old Battle, proceed to the relief of Don Perez Goneti, who had +proclaimed death to the priests and liberty to the poor Kaloramas. + +For what took place on the landing of these vagabonds, as also the +battle of the banana hills, the greatest battle ever fought in +modern times, the reader is referred to the next chapter. + + + + + + +CHAPTER LIII. + +WHICH DESCRIBES THE ARRIVAL OF AN ARMY OF VAGABONDS; AND HOW THE +GREAT BATTLE OF THE BANANA HILLS WAS FOUGHT. + + + + + +GENERAL POTTER was not kept long waiting for means to prove himself +a great warrior, for the cargo of vagabonds, described so exultingly +by Glenmoregain as of the choicest kind, arrived early one morning, +and conducted themselves so riotously that the simple-minded people +of quiet Jollifee were thrown into a state of great excitement, and +imagining them demons escaped from the infernal regions, took to +their heels and ran terrified out of town. And this was regarded as +a great blessing, for the vagabond army, numbering not less than +five hundred, took possession of their houses and made clean work of +their poultry yards, which fortunately for the Commander-in-chief +were well stocked. But what pleased General Potter most was that +Glenmoregain advised him of his intention to ship a dozen more just +such cargoes, for there was no lack of such vagabonds in New York, +and heaven knew it would be a blessing to get rid of. + +And when they had sent terror and dismay to the hearts of the poor +natives, and plundered their homes, and revelled to their heart's +content, General Potter, feeling in every inch of him how great it +was to be Commander-in-chief, directed that his generals appear +before him, that he might consult with them concerning various +projects of war he had in his head. In obedience then to this sum- +mons there appeared before him at least twenty generals and as many +major-generals; not one of whom had ever scented the perfume of +battle, for ill truth they were dilapidated politicians, and +editors, whose lack of brains and love of the bottle had brought +them to the very verge of distress. And when they had partaken of +the General's good cheer, he addressed them as follows: "Gentlemen! +conscious that you are all brave soldiers, I would have you listen +with becoming gravity to what I have to say; for I am no fool, and +intend to have satisfaction of this King for the insult he offered +to our country in compelling me to sit upon the ice. Know then that +I have resolved to make the penalty the loss of his kingdom; and as +I see you are all patriots, pray bear in mind how great is the +undertaking. If we fail, why, then there will be enough to sneer at +us; if we be victorious, then the valor of our arms will be sung and +glorified in many lands. Remember that success closes malicious +mouths. Be heroes then, see that your swords be sharp and your wits +not blunted; for I hold that there is no judgment so just as that of +a country conferring honors upon the brave; and he who earns the +glory shall have it. As to myself, you shall see more of me when the +enemy affords me a chance. But forget not that my motto is: +"Compositum jus fasque animi," which, seeing that you are all +scholars, I make no doubt, is familiar enough to you. To-morrow we +will march against the enemy, so let no man say he is sick." + +The generals were not a little diverted by this speech, which I +venture to assert was never excelled for originality, though many +stranger addresses have been made by Commanders-in-Chief to their +officers. Indeed they were not long in discovering all the +weaknesses of the man, and questioned among themselves whether it +were better to yield him explicit obedience or set him down for a +fool and treat him accordingly. They however took their departure, +promising that nothing should be left undone; in fine that his +orders would be obeyed to the letter. + +And when they were gone, General Potter shrugged his shoulders, and +looking askant at his secretary, who had remained silent during the +interview, said: "Honestly, Mr. Tickler, I would like to have your +opinion respecting these gentlemen generals of mine, for they seem a +set of scurvy fellows, and have much need of raiment." Whispering, +with his lips to Tickler's ear, he continued, "and there is a flavor +about them by no means agreeable. And unless I be a bad prophet, +either the devil has been painting all their noses, or they have +long been familiar with the bottle." + +"Faith of the saints, if your excellency would know what I think of +them, it is this-that, barring you have the capacity of Wellington +and Napoleon combined, you will have your hands full in keeping +these generals from making war upon one another; though you may find +it difficult to keep the army to their fighting when the enemy +appears." + +"I have them in my power, Tickler," replied the general, giving his +head a significant toss; "and if they keep not peace between +themselves then I will order them all hanged. And as the rules of +the service must not be broken, I will take good care that they show +me that deference due to my high position. What is more, friend +Tickler, you shall be judge in all these matters, which is an honor +of no mean quality; and which is here conferred upon you out of +respect to your great learning." Mr. Tickler shook his head, and +stroked his beard, despondingly. "It is well enough to be judge, +your excellency; but as I have a fear the honors you seem so free to +lavish upon me would not keep house well with my poverty, I would +prefer first to have that relieved. Do not forget that our man has +fed us on stolen provisions for these three weeks," replied Mr. +Tickler. An end was put to this dialogue by the general reminding +Mr. Tickler that men of great learning ought always to be patriots, +since history furnished proofs enough of their great endurance under +poverty. + +On the following day, the general mounted his faithful horse, and +with Mr. Tickler on his mule, proceeded to review his army of +vagabonds. And though he complimented them on the great perfection +of their drill, and bid them esteem themselves the heroes of no end +of victories, they were in truth as awkward a set of fellows as ever +shouldered musket, in short, not one of them knew how to take the +first move in forming a section, though they could rob hen roosts +and banana fields with a facility truly remarkable. And now, as the +noon-day sun was oppressive enough to dissolve all their brains, the +general ordered his second in command, one Absolam Broadbottom, to +say to the army that he would march at nightfall. And when nightfall +came, the army commenced its march, and was followed by the general, +who cut such a shabby figure, when surrounded by his staff, that the +whole army was ready to dissolve with laughter. In short the +Commander-in-Chief afforded them an amount of amusement that quite +compensated for the loss of hen-roosts. As a truthful historian I +must not forget to mention that the general, like a good and +discreet warrior, kept at a respectful distance in the rear, +ordering at the same time that the country in advance be well +scoured, lest some lurking portion of the enemy's army come upon +them by surprise, doing serious damage before he could get his army +in trim for making them dance again. + +When they had travelled many miles, displaying great courage under +all sorts of trials, the general suddenly discovered that he had +lost his secretary, which sad misfortune he began to bewail in right +good earnest. "I would have you know, Broadbottom," said he, +addressing his second in command, "that the success of our +undertaking will be hazarded without him, for he is a man of great +learning." + +"Umph!" returned Broadbottom, "if victories are to be gained only by +your men of great learning, our country will have little to boast of +in that line. It is now midnight, and I would suggest a halt for the +night." + +The general replied that the suggestion was an excellent one, and +bid him act upon it. "You must know sir," said he, "that it is so +many years since I have had aught to do with an army, that my memory +needs much refreshing on these small matters." He also ordered +Broadbottom to detach a file of men and send them in search of his +secretary, which order was forthwith executed, to the great delight +of those composing it, who instead of troubling themselves about the +secretary, were resolved on spending the night at a ranch where +dancing was to be had. + +And now when all was quiet; when the general, having seen his horse +comfortably provided for; when not even a vulture was heard croaking +his hopes of a banquet on some dead hero; and when the great and all +powerful Potter was sleeping quietly in his camp, the whole army was +thrown into a state of great confusion by various voices calling out +that they had come upon the enemy, who was forming for battle. The +alarm soon found the whole camp out in its shirt, ready to give as +good as sent, though report had it that the force of the enemy was +prodigious. Another moment and Broadbottom, panting for breath, came +rushing into the commander's camp, crying at the very top of his +voice: "General! general! for heavens sake get up and take command +of the army, for the enemy is advancing rapidly upon us, and there +will be one of the bloodiest battles!" A clash of arms was now heard +outside, which confirmed what he said, and also sent a thrill of +terror to the heart of the great Potter, whose stock of courage was +as suddenly snuffed out. Loud reports of musketry followed the clash +of arms, and then night was made terrible with divers other piercing +cries common to battles of the most sanguinary character. + +Feeling in his heart that it would not do for so great a general to +let his army know that even an ounce of his courage had left him, he +gave a turn in the sheets and was out of bed in a jiffy. He then got +into his breeches, but not without some delay, occasioned, I am +sorry to say, by divers snakes having invaded the camp and coiled +themselves peaceably away in the nether parts. And this, added to +the time lost in finding his sword, with which he swore he would +trip the toes of all who came in his way, had well-nigh incurred the +most fatal consequences. "Minutes are hours, general," spoke +Broadbottom, addressing the commander; "and the slightest delay may +play the very devil with the glory of our arms, and put an end to +the noble enterprise we are engaged in." Hearing this from his +second in command, the general quickened his motions and, buckling +on his sword, ran out in his night-cap, but without either coat or +boots. Indeed, I here assert that history, so far as I have read, +affords no instance of one so famous in war as the great Potter +proceeding to take command of his army in so strange a uniform. +"Now, to my horse!" he exclaimed, "for I take it no man can command +an army unless he be mounted." Broadbottom, who was a stalwarth +Mississippian, and withal as great a wag as could be found in that +state of wags, affected great concern lest the battle be lost for +want of speedy action on the part of the commander-in-chief. And as +misfortunes will come upon us during the most trying moments, so was +it found on reaching old Battle that he had been suddenly seized +with a cholic, and indeed was giving out so many proofs of his +illness that his master was unable to withhold his tears. In short, +so strong was the affection General Potter bore his horse that, +being a man of great compassion, he was in no condition to fight a +terrible battle. Still the noise of battle without warned him how +much his presence was needed on the field. "Heavens! general," said +he, wiping the tears from his eyes, "get you to the field without a +moment's delay, sink all scientific rules, attack the enemy in front +and rear, and when you have shown him that you care neither for him +or the devil, turn his flank, which will throw him into confusion +and give us a victory. Take the fighting of this great battle to +yourself, for I see you are a man of wonderful capacity. And if you +give the enemy a right good drubbing, depend upon it I will make the +glory all your own, for it shall be recorded in more than one +newspaper. It will not do to leave my poor horse in this condition." +Broadbottom left the general shedding tears for his horse, and +proceeded to carry out the orders of his superior, the extraordinary +result of which will be found in the next chapter. + + + + + + +CHAPTER LIV. + +WHICH TREATS OF VARIOUS CURIOUS THINGS THAT OCCURRED WHEN THE RESULT +OF THE GREAT BATTLE OF THE BANANA HILLS WAS ANNOUNCED TO THE +COMMANDER. + + + + + +MORNING dawned as the clash of battle ceased, and victory was +proclaimed by the vagabond army. And although General Potter had +been biting his thumbs in fear of the result, this news so restored +his courage that he mounted his three-cornered hat and declared +nothing would deter him in future from commanding in person and +making splinters of the enemy with his own sword. + +"General!" exclaimed Broadbottom, as he came rushing into the camp, +"the success of our arms is complete; yes, the god of war has +smiled, and we have gained a great victory over the enemy-" + +"Truly, general," interrupted the commander-in-chief, "you deserve +well. But this I can tell you,-there is nothing like one man +infusing his strength into another, which it was my good luck to do +when directing you how to fight this battle, which, heaven be blest, +has crowned our arms with glory." + +"Aye," replied Broadbottom, with a smile, "I understand this well; +but if you could have commanded in person, much blood and many +valuable lives had been spared." + +"That I am fully conscious of," rejoined the commander; "but when +men have prodigies to perform, two heads, if I have read right, are +better than one. But my horse is now restored to his usual good +condition, which, thank heaven, will afford me an opportunity of +displaying my valor in the next great battle. Give me, then, an +account of the dead and wounded; as also what you have done with the +prisoners." Broadbottom was not slow in performing this service, and +gave the commander such a wonderful account of the number of the +enemy they had killed that he stood surprised and confounded. "As +for the commander," spoke Broadbottom, "he was shot from his horse +and borne from the field by his staff; but not until he had dropped +a purse of gold, which I have brought you as a trophy." And with an +air of great courtesy he placed the purse, which contained some +twenty doubloons, in the hands of the commander, who made him a +return of his thanks for such rare faithfulness. "As for the dead," +resumed Broadbottom, "we have buried them in the Banana Hills, from +which this great battle must take its name. And as you are well read +in philosophy, you will, I am sure, confess that we took the most +certain method in disposing of the wounded; for there were some +forty, and we hung every one of them." + +"Truly, sir, I see you are a Christian gentleman, as well as a +soldier; and I have no doubt you were moved to this kind act by a +knowledge that it would be inhuman to prolong the agonies of these +unfortunate men-" + +"You have hit it exactly, general!" interrupted Broadbottom. + +"And I am not so sure but that you would have rendered heaven a +service in hanging all the prisoners, for he who dies in battle, +they say, has an extra claim to the better kingdom that is promised +us." + +"I have no doubt you are right as far as your ethics go, general; +but deeming it more becoming the comity of war, we set them all at +liberty, and it would have made your heart dance to see how they +took to their heels." An end was put to this dialogue by the +commander inviting his generals to breakfast with him, in order, as +he said, that he might have an opportunity of complimenting them for +their valor, and also of hearing from their own lips an account of +the wonderful exploits each had performed,-all of which were +proceeded with to his entire satisfaction. + +When breakfast was over General Potter mounted old Battle, who was +not a whit the worse for his cholic, and reviewed his troops. And +though they were sadly deficient in raiment, and altogether +presented a most shattered appearance, he declared that never had he +in all his experience seen an army look so soldier-like. But this +compliment the vagabonds set down for too good a joke to be lost, +and, notwithstanding the gravity preserved by their generals, were +well-nigh splitting their sides with laughter. + +"Now, Broadbottom," said he, when they returned to the camp, "as the +guard sent in pursuit of my secretary have returned without getting +any tidings of him, and a report of this great battle is +imperatively necessary, pray tell me if you have a gentleman who can +perform such service?" Broadbottom thereupon informed his commander +that there was on the staff one General Stoneheart, a gentleman of +much learning, and as good an editor as ever abused his neighbors. +"And he is skilled in making such reports," said he, "for I can +swear of my own knowledge, general, that he will do the thing +exactly to your liking. And withal, he is correspondent of more than +one New York newspaper, and has a secret for making victories of the +most signal defeats." Stoneheart, a small, ill-clad, shrimp-looking +man, was immediately summoned, and appeared before the commander, +who interrogated him as to his capacity. All his answers being +satisfactory, he was at once set to work preparing the reports, +which I venture to assert were never excelled for glowing +descriptions of the many prodigies performed in one battle, and +which, it is scarce necessary for me to add here, made New York +dance with delight when they appeared. "If you have a love for +latin," said General Stoneheart to his chief, "I can give them a +huge quantity of it." And this so satisfied the great Potter of his +being a gentleman exactly suited to the service he required, that he +gave no further thought to the subject, but merely concluded by +telling him to rub in the latin while the ink lasted. + +When, then, the reports were ready he dispatched them with a special +bearer; to whose care he also intrusted the purse of gold taken from +the enemy, with directions that it be delivered into the hands of +his wife Polly, as a proof of the success of the business he was +engaged in. He also wrote a letter, stating that he was now at the +head of one of the most valiant armies, and would of a certainty +soon have kingdoms enough in his possession; which news she might +circulate among the neighbors. + +And now, having fully described this great battle, I beg the reader +will not take it seriously to heart, for in truth it was all a joke +practised upon the commander by this Broadbottom, who arranged the +whole affair. Nor will I longer keep him in doubt respecting the +purse of gold, which was nothing less than the plunder brought in by +a scouting party, who having fallen in with a train of poor natives +on their way to Buzabub to buy provisions, had robbed them of their +all. + +Having made these explanations, I will say of General Potter, that, +feeling in his heart that no man was more truly brave, night again +found him proceeding with his army towards Nezub, which he reached +on the dawn of the fourth day, having marched undaunted through +deserts and solitudes, and endured privations that would have made +such shabby warriors as Pillow shake in his shoes. But although the +general would have it that the mission of his army was to reform the +nation, nothing but devastation followed in its wake. + +Don Perez Goneti came out to meet General Potter, and escorted him +to the head-quarters of his army, which, though composed of only two +hundred rebels, he declared to be the most valiant men it had ever +been his good fortune to know. The general found this army encamped +within two miles of Nezub, and notwithstanding the enemy had wisely +kept himself confined to his strongholds, their domestic quarrels +had afforded them the means of activity necessary to the good +condition of such armies. As for the king and the priests, they were +daily seen from Goneti's camp, bestirring themselves in the +perfection of an army of extermination. And now that these two +wonderful armies had met, the allied generals betook themselves to +the exchange of courtesies, presentations, and speechmaking. In +fine, it seemed as if there was to be a never-ending strain of +compliments lavished by each other, for the benefit of the world in +general, and for themselves in particular. And while all these +ceremonies were being performed to the great delight of the +recipient heroes, "the forces" were left to revel to their hearts' +content. Honestly, so intent were they on gratifying their +inclinations that they quite forgot the enemy and continued +plundering the poor natives until neither a chicken was to be seen +in their yards nor a banana in their fields. + +Thus, for days and even weeks were these reforming armies left to +riot at will. One night as Don Perez Goneti was entertaining General +Potter at a grand banquet, a lieutenant entered the camp, and with a +confused air said: "May it please the commander, as officer of the +guard sent to reconnoitre the enemy's position, I have to report, +that we penetrated within a few yards of a small chapel in the +outskirts of the town. A faint light glimmered from one of the +windows, which bespoke mischief within. As the enemy had no outposts +we approached to the very window, and looking in discovered eleven +priests, plotting no good, I can assure you, for we overheard them +discussing an attack to be made upon us to-morrow at daybreak. And +after praying devoutly for the success of their undertaking, and +saying their beads no end of times, it was resolved that when they +had gained the battle to hang us all to the nearest trees, +commending our souls to heaven and our bodies to the vultures. And +this I heard with my own ears, and can tell you that it is +impossible to conceive how nicely these good men had arranged our +overthrow." Before the speaker was finished, the eleven priests, +their hands bound with cords, their heads bent, and their +countenances wearing an air of deep melancholy, were marched into +the camp under a guard of soldiers. "And we surprised them, and have +brought them here, prisoners of war;" concluded the officer, making +a bow as he withdrew. + +The downcast and forlorn appearance of these holy men was indeed +enough to have enlisted sympathy in their behalf. An end was thus +put to the banquet, and Don Perez Goneti inquired of the prisoners, +in a peremptory manner, what they had to say for themselves. One +more aged than the rest, held up his head, and answered that as it +was their mission to do good on earth and pay reverence to the Great +Master, so also would they remain true to their king; nor would they +crave mercy, since "God protected the right." It must here be +mentioned that the two commanders formed themselves into a court, +and sat in judgment upon these holy men; while the rest cared not a +whit if the devil got the priests. "You confess then that you have +been guilty of conspiracy," spoke Don Perez Goneti, "which means +that you have merited the halter, which I order you at daylight in +the morning; and may the devil take care of you until then, so get +to your beads." The guards now marched them away in solemn +procession. No sooner had they disappeared, when General Potter, who +had at first commended this sentence, turned to his compatriot, and +with an air of much anxiety, said: "Pray do not let it be said that +I question the justice of your judgment, but I would have you take +heed how you hang priests, for being invested with a holiness the +unrighteous cannot understand, I am told they have revengeful +spirits, which will come back, and not only come back and haunt us +wherever we go, but so direct the fates against us as to seal our +downfall." + +"Aye, and there you are right," rejoined Goneti, "for to my own +knowledge, the king of Tutack ordered a priest hung, and his spirit +came back and so haunted the kingdom, that it has not prospered +since." + +"You see then that I have looked well into the thing, and offer you +sound logic;" resumed the ready Potter. "Hear me, sir! for I have a +better punishment in my head. Spare these holy men the hanging, and +let each be mounted on an ass, so that his robes cover the animal's +hinder parts. And when you have them thus conditioned, let it be +ordered that they ride three hours during the day, for not less than +ten days, making a circle in the plaza, and offering up such prayers +as our souls may stand in need of." This so delighted Don Goneti +that he marvelled at the breadth of his compatriot's intellect, and +not only set him down for a man of prodigious resources, but at once +fell in with his opinion, forthwith issuing an order that it be +carried out to the letter, as will appear in the next chapter. + + + + + + +CHAPTER LV. + +WHICH TREATS OF HOW THE PRIESTS BORE THE PUNISHMENT; AND ALSO A +DESCRIPTION OF THE EVER-MEMORABLE BATTLE OF THE MIRACLE. + + + + + +WITH great reverence be it said of the priests, that they did +penance, mounted after the style ordered in the foregoing chapter, +for many days and with such fortitude as gained them the good will +of many of their enemies in war. "The height of our perfection in +grace," said one of the priests, as his ass went the round of the +circle, "may be measured by the ease with which we can humble +ourselves. And while we are chanting to these filthy fellows, let us +not despair, but commend ourselves to heaven, praying that it will +so ordain that our country be soon rid of this scourge; for though +these fellows make promises enough with their lips, their hearts are +full of treachery." + +"Heaven help me!" exclaimed another, "for I am not accustomed to +this punishment, and bear it with a tribulation I would thank heaven +to be relieved from." In short, though they bore the punishment with +remarkable fortitude, these ring performances were in no very high +favor with them. Itching then for a chance to escape, and taking +advantage of a moment one day when the "allied forces" (generals +included,) were fast asleep, they clapped heels to their asses, and +coursing down the road at full speed, were soon safe within the +town, where high-mass was offered up for their deliverance, though +not a word was lisped concerning the asses, which they wisely kept +as an offset to their sufferings. And now when the allied generals +awoke from their slumbers, and found the priests gone, they took it +grievously to heart; for while they could ill afford to lose the +asses, the priests would be sure to give the enemy such information +as would be of great advantage to him. + +A day passed and both armies were seen preparing for battle. But as +neither had the smallest piece of artillery, and but a shabby +display of cavalry mounted on lean asses, General Potter consoled +himself that a victory could be gained without any great display of +generalship: in short that, being commander in chief, it was only +necessary for him to retire to a safe distance, where, like the +famous Persian warrior, he could look serenely on while the armies +battered each other to their heart's content. + +It was early one bright morning then that a report spread through +the allied camp, announcing the near approach of the enemy. True +enough, the army was distinctly seen, advancing at a rapid pace, the +King at its head, mounted on a mule, and surrounded by at least a +score of priests mounted on lean asses. And so numerous was the +King's army that the very hills around Nezub seemed black with +moving figures. Seeing how matters stood the allied generals quickly +mounted their steeds; and equally quick was the army in order and +impatient for battle. And when the enemy had advanced near enough to +let his teeth be seen, he halted. It was now evident that both +army's were weighing the terrible consequences that were to result +from this great battle, for they stood for some time making grimaces +at each other, very like New York aldermen. Then sundry horns began +to sound, and drums to beat. And this, strange as it may seem to +those of my readers who may have admired the general good qualities +of this singularly faithful animal, so disturbed old Battle's +equanimity that he made several attempts to bring his master to the +ground: indeed he became so fractious that the general again found +it necessary to resign the honor of fighting this great battle to +Don Perez Goneti, since the management of his horse was quite enough +for the head of any one general. The reserve of the Kaloramas now +appeared in the distance, emerging from every conceivable point, and +sending up such yells as would have sent terror to the heart of +anything but a vagabond army. And while the reserves shouted in the +distance, the line opened fire upon the allied army, the generals of +which were giving out such a confusion of orders as would have +bewildered the most experienced soldiers. Not a hair did the +vagabond army budge, but returned the enemy's fire with such vigor +that his whole line was speedily in disorder. Charges and retreats +were now kept up with wonderful spirit on the part of the vagabonds, +though not a single dead body ornamented the field, which was saying +no little, considering that this great battle was to decide the fate +of a kingdom. And when I inform the reader that cries, groans, and +piercing imprecations mingled with the clash of arms, and gave the +conflict an air of ferocity it would be impossible to describe, the +kindly feature of its result, which I am about to describe, will +appear the more astounding. + +Notwithstanding Commander Potter kept at a safe distance from the +bullets, his horse, Battle, took it into his head to play him a very +shabby trick, and which my love for the truth of history constrains +me to record. Wonderful then as it may seem to those experienced in +war, this little prank of the faithful steed ended the term of his +own life and, as if by a miracle, gave the victory to the allies. +And it was done in this manner. A bountiful providence, as if +foreseeing the sanguinary character of the struggle that was to take +place on this spot, had provided it with a quag-mire of considerable +depth, and so covered its surface with soft, green moss, as to +conceal its real character. It was on the margin of this mire then +that General Potter took up his position; and just in the very +hottest of the battle, a bee chanced that way in search of flowers, +and lighting just under old Battle's tail, so goaded him with its +sting that he sprang forward, and then halted with such a sudden +motion as to vault the general over his head, and into the mire, his +head and three-cornered hat only remaining above the surface. Having +served his master this shabby trick, old Battle took to his heels, +and dashing down the enemy's lines, sent such a thrill of terror to +the hearts of the superstitious Kaloramas as made them scamper for +dear life. In truth they fancied him the pale horse of the devil, so +often described to them by the priests. Dashing onward with +increased speed and wildness, the bewildered animal ran with great +force upon the King's mule, prostrating animal and rider dead upon +the ground, and, in sorrow and tears do I record it, breaking his +own neck. Thus was the interposition of providence displayed in all +its bounties, and an end put to a battle which, had it continued, +there is no estimating the consequences. As it was, the King, old +Battle, and the mule alone paid the penalty of their temerity, and +lay dead upon the field. Thus ended the great battle of the Miracle. + + + + + + +CHAPTER LVI. + +WHICH RELATES SEVERAL CURIOUS THINGS THAT TOOK PLACE AFTER THE GREAT +BATTLE OF THE MIRACLE WAS DECIDED; AND ALSO HOW A GREAT QUARREL +AROSE CONCERNING THE GOVERNMENT OF KALORAMA. + + + + + +"FAITH, gentlemen," said Commander Potter, as with a long pole, his +attendants drew him, besmeared with soft black mud, from the +frog-pond, "though I know not how the battle goes, and am not a bit +bruised in my person, I am much concerned for the damage to my +uniform. My horse I freely forgive, for he is really a trusty +animal. Go then and bring him to me, for though he served me this +dirty trick, my heart will not let me forget his past goodness." And +while a messenger was dispatched in search of the wayward steed, the +general was got to his head-quarters, where a change of raiment so +altered his appearance that when his generals came to announce the +result of the battle scarce one of them recognised him until he +spoke. In truth he was quietly stretched upon a bed, with nothing on +but his breeches, shirt, and night cap. But when they announced to +him the manner in which this great victory was won, he sprang to his +feet, and giving vent to his ecstacy, declared it nothing less than +a miracle. "Faith of my mother!" he exclaimed, placing his hands to +his belly and tossing his head, "now I know that my horse Battle was +preserved to me for a great purpose." + +"Aye sir, it is wise of you to say so," replied Broadbottom, +taking him gravely by the hand, "but it is my melancholy duty to +inform you that the poor animal is killed. But it may afford you +consolation to know that he first killed the King and his mule." +This sad news so affected the general that he could with difficulty +restrain his tears. Indeed the words choaked in his throat for +several minutes, and he seemed completely overcome with melancholy. +"You must remember, general," replied Goneti, with a flourish of his +sword, "that it is to this animal we owe the success of our arms." + +"I am delighted with this excellent account of my horse," said the +Commander, with regained cheerfulness. "It is true, an accident I +need not describe here, deprived you of the great service I had +intended to bestow upon this battle. If, however, it was by my +horse, then by all all the rules of war, I am entitled to a large +share of the honor. It was a miracle performed by him, gentlemen; +and viewing it in that light, I am consoled for his death, and so +peace be with him." + +Broadbottom now stepped forward, in his uniform, and, with a twinkle +of mischief in his eye, replied: "Our Commander has it exactly. And +if it please him, we will have this battle called the Battle of the +Miracle!" + +"Faith, general," rejoined Commander Potter, "you have hit my way of +thinking, exactly. Let Stoneheart appear, and I will instruct him +how to record this great victory in the New York newspapers, so that +the whole union be made to dance with joy when it appears." +Stoneheart was not long in appearing before his Commander, who at +once complimented him, though in truth he was in no very sober mood, +on his great proficiency at making the greatest victories ever won +by mortal valor. And although it was said of this Stoneheart that he +was nowhere to be found during the hottest of the fight, he was not +a whit less than a general in his own eyes. Having been enjoined +what to say by his commander, this good man and valiant soldier +betook himself to the preparation of these grandiloquent articles. +As for the commander, he busied himself writing ponderous dispatches +to Glenmoregain, who, satisfied that he had a perfect pearl of a +Commander, as well as the kingdom of Kalorama safe between his +thumbs, forthwith ordered the building of seven more steamships, +since it was no small matter for a great merchant to go about with +two or three kingdoms in his pockets, and not have a navy to protect +them. In truth it must be confessed that Glenmoregain, although an +excellent gentlemen and worthy citizen, was exceedingly loose in his +discretion. Perhaps, however, it is charitable to say that a less +credulous gentleman might have yielded to his enthusiasm under the +same circumstances, for Commander Potter declared by the saints that +not only had he been in the flame and fire of every fight, but +killed with his own arm not less than six of the enemy's best +generals, whose heads he would send him by the next mail. + +And now the allies having vanquished the poor Kaloramas, and put the +priests to flight, betook themselves to rioting, and were so elated +at gaining the victory, that they entirely forgot to take possession +of Nezub, and indeed spent three whole days in such pleasant +amusements as hanging the peasantry in the neighborhood, and +pillaging such things as henroosts and beehives. And this strange +apathy on the part of the allies afforded the poor Nezubians an +excellent opportunity for burying their king decently; after which +they vacated their humble homes, with no few sighs and regrets. In +truth many was the heart that beat in sorrow as it passed some +familiar object, and the eye that moistened with tears as it turned +to look back upon those rude cabins wherein was stored all the +recollections of childhood. + +The generals having come to their senses on the fourth day, formed +their army, and suddenly remembering that it would be in accordance +with the usages of war to demand a capitulation, dispatched an +officer with a flag of truce. But on entering the town he found it +deserted, even to the dogs; while the priests, as if to leave traces +of their mission along the lonely streets, had planted them with +crosses. This state of things being reported, Commander Potter, for +want of his favorite horse, mounted a well-starved mule, and placing +himself at the head of his army, entered the town amidst the blowing +of horns and beating of drums, which fully satisfied him that no +greater, or more fortunate commander ever lived. But the army had +not been in possession of the town more than an hour when a great +quarrel arose between Commander Potter and Don Perez Goneti, +touching the right to rule the kingdom. Both proceeded to take +possession of the king's palace; both asserted their claims in +language and demeanor unbecoming soldiers; and each ordered his +followers to hang the other without judge or jury. And when they +were about putting an end to this dispute with their drawn swords, +(having given the army an incentive to disorder,) Stoneheart +interposed for peace, proposing that they both consider themselves +sovereigns until such time as a board of generals could be called to +settle the question. + +I ought to mention that Don Perez Goneti asserted his claim on the +ground of having first conceived the project of getting the kingdom +out of the king's fingers. Further, he bid the great Potter bear in +mind that he was invited into the country, merely as an auxiliary to +the carrying out of a great undertaking. But this only served to +increase Commander Potter's temerity, for he asserted with great +force that every victory yet won was due to the army sent him by the +New York gentleman, for whom he was to get the kingdom, to say +nothing of what his horse had done. Like sensible gentlemen, +becoming weary of the quarrel, they partook of a punch, went quietly +to bed, and left this great question to be settled among their +generals. But unfortunately their generals were not of a turn of +mind to agree on anything; and after spending nine days in angry +discussion, concluded with calling one another such names +as-"robber," "ruffian," "coward." In fact each general had such a +longing for the crown, and fancied himself possessed of such a rare +talent for governing, that neither coaxing nor beseeching could have +brought them to an agreement on this matter of the crown. And this +was to be regretted, seeing that the priests were mustering the +Kalorama army, and indeed giving various other proofs of their +itching to recover the kingdom. + +And now, when disorder seemed at its highest pitch, the allied army, +with commendable good sense, and without paying the slightest heed +to the quarrels of its generals, proclaimed General Roger Sherman +Potter ruler over all Kalorama; and this was out of sheer respect to +his humor, for the army held it good to be ruled over by a gentleman +who could afford soldiers so much diversion. + +Be it known then that General Potter accepted this manifestation of +popular favor, as homage paid to his great military skill, and +having called his soldiers together, he made then a speech, in which +he made promises to their satisfaction, declaring that he was more +than a match for the duties of the office. "And now, gentlemen +soldiers," he concluded, "since you have made me ruler over this +kingdom, you shall see that I am not fresh in the business. I would +have you recollect, also, that the man who seeks my overthrow must +not take it amiss if he find himself dangling to a tree: it is +enough for rulers to rule; and for what follows, let citizens look +to their own doors." Whereupon there was great clapping of hands, +and indeed such acclamations of joy as convinced General Potter that +he was a ruler in every way worthy of their admiration. + +After bidding his soldiers go and regale themselves wherever they +could find wherewith to do it, (for as yet there was no plunder in +the treasury,) the ruler had an account of this wonderful +transformation of affairs forwarded to the newspapers, that it might +be published to the world, which he knew in his heart felt a deep +interest in all his movements. This done he set to work organizing +his cabinet; but so jealous of Don Perez Goneti was he, that in +order to be well rid of him he sent him (disguised in the garb of a +priest) ambassador to Washington, where, he thanked heaven, the +strangeness of his figure, as well as his extraordinary presumption, +would be of great service in recommending him to our good natured +president. + +Feeling the kingdom safe in his palm, he called the members of his +cabinet together, and addressed them in the following manner: +"Although I have no mitre on my head, gentlemen, I am no less ruler +over this kingdom. And as I am a man who loves peace, pray put an +end to your disputes on the spot; for I intend that prudence shall +mark my reign. Mark what I say then: he who wrangles for the small +offices of this nation, had better look to his reason. I challenge +no man for his reputation, for a public servant had needs take care +of the little he has got; but if you would find favor with the +people, and prolong the glory of my reign, let your thoughts turn on +how you can best serve them. And as the nation is without a +treasury, I make no doubt you will preserve your integrity, which, +heaven knows, is more than most men do. But of all things, lend not +your ears to every man's whisper; for if you do the nation will +suffer most where you least think. I would also have you moderate +your longing for higher office; for it is a thing that brings much +evil to the nation. Above all, be mindful how you give rein to your +conceits, since it is come the fashion for men to say fine things of +you to your face, and send you to the devil with their thoughts. As +for myself, there shall be so good an understanding between me and +my people that no man shall speak evil of my reign. Truly, +gentlemen, I hold it a pleasant thing to die and know the people +will say: 'Well, Roger Sherman Potter was a good ruler.' And now, +let every man to his office." + +With this model address, the like of which is not to be found in any +history heretofore written, the great Potter dismissed his cabinet. + +The members, on consulting among themselves, came to the very +sensible conclusion that as their ruler had failed, in his address, +to throw any light upon the services required of them, the nation +was well enough; and if let alone would take care of itself. They +therefore betook themselves to a small cabin built of palm-logs and +clay, where they spent the day in carousing; while the great ruler +contemplated the majesty of his position, and the army roamed over +the country in search of plunder. + +And now, having spent one whole day in the mighty task of governing +a nation, he was overtaken with one of the most remarkable reverses, +which not only changed the whole face of affairs but came within a +hair of costing him his life; as well as discovering to him the fact +that no really great ruler was sure of his throne, even for a day. +And this wonderful event, with all its serious results, the reader +will find faithfully recorded in the next chapter. + + + + + + +CHAPTER LVII. + +TREATING OF HOW THE RULER WAS CARRIED OFF INTO CAPTIVITY ON A MULE, +ACCOMPANIED BY DIVERS PRIESTS. + + + + + +WHEN night was come, and disorder reigned throughout the camp of the +allies; when both generals and men were making night jubilant with +their carousing, a cry broke forth in Nezub that the town was +surprised by the enemy. A scene of the wildest confusion now ensued; +midnight was made terrible by the howling of dogs, the beating of +drums, the tramp of horses, and the clatter of fire-arms. Suddenly +it was discovered that the town was in flames; and such was the +terror excited in the hearts of the allied vagabonds that they took +to their heels and scampered away like sensible men. + +And here I am constrained to record, without the slightest +disparagement to my ruler, that having drank three punches before he +retired to bed, he was disturbed of his slumbers by seven priests, +who came rushing into his chamber, and without so much as giving him +time to put on his breeches, dragged him forth in his shirt, and +having mounted him on a mule, hurried him out of town at full speed. +"The fates have gone against me," said General Potter, musing to +himself as he rode silently along on his mule, accompanied by the +priests, similarly mounted, but not in their shirts. "But a few +hours since, I was measuring the exact dimensions of my glory. Faith +of my father! I felt the kingdom as safe between my fingers as need +be; and here I am riding a mule for the diversion of these fellows +in black gowns; which is an unparalleled discourtesy to a ruler of +my standing." Turning to the priests, he addressed them thus: "As +you are good and holy men, may I pray that you will respect my +position as ruler of this kingdom. Nor do I think it becomes you to +trifle thus with my dignity: therefore give me one of your gowns, +for the curious figure I am cutting becomes neither of us. And as +you owe a duty to heaven, give me raiment, and tell me whither you +carry me." The priests made no answer, but whipping up their mules +continued on their journey until they reached a grove of palm-trees, +some four miles from Nezub, where they halted. And having lighted +torches, which threw a curious glow over the foliage, and invested +the scene with an air of deep solemnity, they put General Potter on +his trial, preparatory to which he was ordered to sit upon the +ground, while the most aged of the priests took a seat upon the +trunk of a tree. + +First, they inquired of him what he had to say touching their +punishment in riding the asses in the plaza, which grievously +wounded their feelings. "As to the asses, gentlemen," replied Ruler +Potter, "they, I take it, are emblematic of penitence, which I am +sure your reverences ought not be ashamed of, since if my memory +serves me right, (and it is good enough to trust on such matter,) I +have read somewhere in Scripture that the apostles rode asses, and +were not ashamed." + +"Aye," replied the venerable priests, "but that was so long ago, and +bears so little resemblance to our case, that it will not serve as a +precedent. Heading a band of vagrants in pursuit of plunder, you +have overrun our country, caused the death of our good king, and +made the priesthood to be scoffed at, which is a crime meriting +death. Having set yourself up for a ruler adds no small injury to +the insults you have already inflicted upon this kingdom; we +therefore condemn you to death, and are resolved to see you hanged +on one of these trees at six in the morning." The general essayed to +speak in reply to this sentence, but the priests bid him hold his +peace, and join them in preparing his soul for heaven. And forthwith +they commenced chanting prayers over him; but as their prayers were +in Latin, not one word could he understand. Instead, however, of +bemoaning his fate, as the reader may be prepared to expect, the +condemned betook himself to mourning the loss of his kingdom, and +devising means to regain it. He was also not a little puzzled to +know what road his graceless army had taken, for he knew in his +heart, they would lose no time in getting safely out of the country. +In truth he began to curse the day he took command of Glenmoregain's +army; for though he might have been a good enough gentleman himself, +and have a praiseworthy liking for kingdoms, his army was made up of +arrant rascals, who treated their commander as if he were a fool, +had no fear of the devil, and deserved hanging. + +While then the priests were chanting prayers for his soul, his mind +was also occupied with these lines: "The funeral train, with the +ruler came, And passing slowly through the grove; Dropped tears of +sorrow As honored they lay him in his lonely grave." Then the +priests became oppressed for want of sleep; and in short were so +overcome with the fatigue of their ride that, having tied their +mules to trees, they stripped off their gowns, and, convinced in +their own minds that the prisoner would not attempt to escape in his +shirt, (or if he did, that his want of raiment was proof against any +one taking him in), they stretched themselves down upon the ground, +and were soon fast asleep. + +Now, notwithstanding General Potter still fancied himself ruler over +Kalorama, he felt that his head was quite as well on his own +shoulders, for there was his wife Polly, and three children, who, +for aught he knew to the contrary might stand much in need of a +portion of his spoils, which as yet had been small indeed. He +therefore got quietly up, and habiting himself in the hat and gown +of a priest, mounted the fleetest mule of the lot, and reaching the +high-road, in breathless anxiety, set out at full speed toward +Jolliffee, confident that he would overtake or get some tidings of +his straying army on the road. When he had got some three miles over +the road, he turned in his saddle, listened with great caution, and +said: "To the devil with you, Mister Priests, for General Potter +owes you no thanks, and can take care of himself. See what it is to +leave until morning a job you should have done at night!" + + + + + + +CHAPTER LVIII. + +IN WHICH THE READER WILL FIND MUCH THAT IS CURIOUS AND INTERESTING. + + + + + +WHEN morning came, and the priests were awakened by the singing of +birds and the chattering of monkeys (as if in derision at their +sloth), they no sooner discovered their great loss than they set to +berating each another right soundly; not because they cared a whit +for what evil the fellow could do, but that, having set their hearts +on the hanging, it only grieved them to find that they had lost so +excellent an opportunity of thus skilfully paying the scamp off for +his tricks. "Let us preserve peace between us, for perhaps it is +ordained of heaven!" said the venerable priest, with great solemnity +of countenance. "And remember, brothers, we have made Jose Farino +king, and have much need to join him, and lend him our aid in +driving these vagabonds out of the country." Much debate was had on +this question, which, however, resulted in an agreement to first +pursue and recapture the condemned. So after they had refreshed +themselves, and offered up prayer for the success of their +undertaking, they mounted their mules and set off at full speed. But +as is too often the case with them when over-anxious to get sinners +to heaven, they forgot to look for the footprints, and galloped +their mules in the wrong direction, and there we must leave them. + +Being scrupulous of the character which my hero shall maintain for +strict honesty, I here enjoin the reader to remember the +circumstances under which General Roger Potter, ruler over all +Kalorama, was constrained to commit a theft so small as that of the +mule and the priest's gown. Life is sweet with the greatest heroes; +and let no man question the means by which they seek to preserve it +until he has felt the halter about his own neck. + +Know then, that while the priests were pursuing their blind way, +eager for a victim, the retreating ruler, being hungry and anxious, +was entering the cabin of a poor peasant woman, having travelled +some twenty miles on the road without stopping. No sooner did the +poor woman see him than she fell upon her knees, crossed herself and +began saying her beads. In short she paid reverence to him in so +many ways that he became alarmed lest she go mad with joy; for being +clad in the garb of a priest, and in his bare feet, she mistook him +for one of those good and holy men who go over the country +renouncing the vanities of the world, and setting an example to +others by the terrible penance paid with the soles of their feet. +And when she had paid him reverence to her satisfaction, she bid her +children provide fodder for his mule, for she saw the animal was in +a lather and seriously jaded. "Madam, I am General Roger Potter, +ruler over this nation. Being in pursuit of my army, pray tell me if +you have seen it straying this way;" spoke the general, with +becoming courtesy. But as neither could understand a word the other +said, matters became singularly confused, and to all the general's +questions, the good woman would answer by placing her hands to her +bosom, looking heavenward with appealing sweetness, and whispering: +"Holy virgin!" + +"Faith of my mother!" exclaimed the general, as he concealed the +condition of his legs with the priest's gown, "I am not the person +she takes me for-that's certain!" Soon she brought water and washed +his feet, combed and perfumed his beard (which was excessively +dirty), and indeed bestowed so many little kindnesses that his heart +was moved, and he not only shed tears, but said within himself: +"Honestly, it is better to have peace and comfort in a cabin like +this (for the smiles of this good woman seem to have much of heaven +in them), than to rule king over a nation, and live in a palace when +there is no safety against being hanged. Truly, I begin to feel that +my ambition has made me a great fool." In washing his feet, the good +woman discovered the true condition of his raiment, though it was by +the merest accident. The good man, she said within herself, has in +his anxiety to do penance forgotten to arrange his robes. In the +tenderest manner, then, she brought him the breeches and doublet of +her dead husband, for whose soul she beseeched him to pray. The +application of the garments he readily understood; but for the +prayers, the good woman had to accept the will for the deed. + +To afford his reverence an opportunity of arranging his clothes, the +good woman proceeded to the garden and filled her basket with +plantain for his breakfast. Much as the general stood in need of +shoes, he sat himself down for a most fortunate gentleman in being +able to procure even such raiment; for, said he, what a figure I +would cut entering Jolliffee on a mule, and in the hat and gown of a +priest. When, therefore, he had breakfasted on plantain and yams, to +which a dish of coffee was added, he returned thanks to the good +woman, and fearing the priests might be in pursuit of him, bid her +an affectionate adieu, mounted his mule, and proceeded on his +journey. + +Travelling all day under a burning sun, he found the priest's hat of +great service in protecting his brain, which otherwise would have +dissolved. When night came he was more than six leagues from +Jolliffee, and his mule being much jaded, and himself fatigued, he +drew up by the road-side, in a grove of palms, beneath which a +spring of crystal water gushed forth and rippled away over the +pebbly bottom. The mule having quenched its thirst, the general +seated himself beside the spring; and when he had refreshed himself +on some crusts and water, gave himself up to contemplation. And the +perfect stillness that pervaded the grove (for not a sound was +heard, and even the mule seemed to have an instinctive knowledge of +his master's musings, for he baited cautiously of the young grass) +gave to his revery a melancholy turn. His forlorn condition; the +many sudden and unforseen misfortunes that had come upon him; the +narrow escapes for his life; the many times he had almost dangled at +the limb of a tree; and the unnumbered batterings and bruisings he +had got while displaying his "military valor"-all flashed across his +mind, as if stretched upon a clearly defined panorama, and caused +him to heave a deep sigh. What compensation had he got for all these +sufferings, which were the result of his ambition? And the answer +came to him with the suddenness of lightning-"Ruler over Kalorama, +for a day." "Heaven be with me," he sighed; "for now my poverty is +perfect. And who would envy my fate, here in a desert, without a +friend, and in the raiment of a priest, which if I cast off I shall +look like a clown, which will not do for the man who has ruled a +kingdom. Therefore, I say, seeing that it is good to be an honest +man, that if heaven spare me and get me safely out of this snare, I +will go to my home, and there live so good a man that the neighbors +shall say, Roger Potter is a Christian. Faith of my father, I begin +to have a hate for these rogues of rulers, and would give a dozen +kingdoms of the size of Kalorama to be safe beside my good wife +Polly. And resolved am I to get to her, so heaven favor my +inclinations, and let not death overtake me on the way. As for my +employer, if he still persist in gratifying his love for getting +kingdoms, why, he can get him another general, for there is no lack +of them. Truly, I have had trials enough in his service, and if he +say I have not killed enough of the enemy, I can tell him that the +commander who can boast of his clean sword is your true hero. I +confess, he sent me rascals enough to destroy the morals of a dozen +kingdoms or more; but what matters that when I have not a dollar in +my pocket to buy shoes to my feet; and even the paltry sum he +promised has never seen the way to my pocket. I swear, then, to give +up all these longings, and, though stripped of my coat, get speedily +to my home, comfort my family, and live like a man." + +The forlorn general was interrupted in these reveries by a rustling +noise in the bushes. And fearing he might have been discovered by +robbers (for he knew they infested that part of the country), he +drew up his mule and was about to mount and be off. But a female +voice suddenly struck up a song, which rang silvery through the +grove, and in such sweet cadences that the very trees seemed +enchanted. Pausing, the general stood as if bound in admiration, +whilst the priest's gown dropped from his shoulders, unfortunately +leaving him in his doublet and breeches. Looking in the direction of +the music, he espied emerging from a cluster of bushes, and tripping +gaily towards him, two young persons he would have sworn were +lovers, for the man had his arm about the waist of the damsel, a +girl just in the bud of womanhood, who looked lovingly into his +face, as she sang for his entertainment. I may mention that she was +of what novel-writers call medium size, with features exquisitely +regular, eyes ravishingly black, and a deep olive complexion, which +though charms enough for one, were enhanced by tresses of black, +silky hair, that fell down below her waist. + +The touching sweetness of the song cheered the general's heart, and +was like a gleam of sunshine lighting up the dark and adverse events +of his life. The singer and her companion suddenly stopped, and as +the thrills of her song died away among the whispering branches, +they stood gazing fixedly at the newly discovered object in the +grove. As the man was not dressed in the garb common to the country, +General Roger Potter resolved within himself not to give way to his +fears, as perhaps he might be a soldier of his retreating army. +While the lovers, on the other hand, were not a little puzzled as to +the true character of the strange figure before them; for while he +wore on his head the hat of a priest, his breeches and doublet were +those of a mountebank. "Heavenly, stranger, if you be not an enemy, +you can render me great service. And as I stand in much need of food +and raiment, draw near that I may commend myself to you ;" spoke the +general. And so perfect was the stillness of the grove that the +words were distinctly echoed to the lovers. Indeed, the man was seen +to express surprise and astonishment. But if he was astonished, the +general stood confounded when he saw his arms fall from the damsel's +waist, and heard the echo of these words, in return: "Heavens! if my +ears do not deceive me, it is our general's voice." + +"Aye, I am General Roger Potter, recently ruler over this kingdom," +returned the general, in a trembling voice, for he was still more +bewildered. + +"And yet," rejoined he with the damsel, "it cannot be our general, +for he is dressed in the garb of a clown; and may the devil get me +if I think he would dress in that style, though it were to get him +safe out of the country." Having said this, he was seen to leave the +girl sitting upon the trunk of a tree, and to advance a few paces +towards the figure in the strange dress. He then paused, and after a +searching glance, quickened his pace, and then at the very top of +his speed, ran into the other's arms, crying, "general! general! my +good master, let our meeting here be set down for a miracle, for I +have much need to ask your forgiveness." + +"Faith of my father!" exclaimed the general, releasing his hold of +the mule and embracing the stranger, "Tickler, my faithful +secretary! is it you? + +"Me, and nobody else!" rejoined the stranger, who was no less a +person than the lost secretary. History affords no record of a +greeting between a great general and his secretary half so +enthusiastic as that which took place on this occasion. Both were +nearly affected to tears; and so anxious were they to relate what +had befallen them since they parted, that it seemed as if they could +not wait another minute. In short, when one began to speak the other +would interrupt, impatient lest he forget something of particular +interest. Like sensible gentlemen, feeling that they were too much +overcome by the meeting, they agreed to postpone the account of +their exploits, and proceed at once to the house of Angelio's +parents; for that was the name of the damsel who accompanied Tickler +through the grove. "It is but half a league from this," said +Tickler, "and as they are poor, but honest people, you will be +welcome under their roof, and get such refreshment as I see you +stand much in need of." Seeing this friendly meeting between her +lover and the stranger, Angelio tripped lightly to where they stood, +and with a smile of childlike innocence lighting up her sweet face, +held out her hand in token of her friendship. And when the general +had acknowledged this with his usual courtesy, she blushed, and +shook her head, and placed her right hand to her heart, which was +her mute but forcible reply, for not a word of the tongue in which +he spoke could she understand. + +"And now, general," spoke the critic, "let me lead the mule, and do +you accompany Angelio, for I remember your gallantry." Just as this +was bringing to life all that vanity for which the general has +distinguished himself throughout this history, Mr. Tickler +continued: "But pray, how comes it that your excellency is dressed +in this strange garb?" Suddenly discovering the condition he was in, +he picked up the gown, had it about him in a trice, and was for +offering no end of apologies, which Tickler put an end to by +assuring him, that although Angelio's blushes were all the results +of innocence, she was by no means prudish. And now, having got +himself safely rolled up in the priest's gown, the general gallantly +proceeded with Angelio to her father's house, followed by the +critic, leading the mule. And for what took place when they arrived +at that humble abode, the reader is referred to the next chapter. + + + + + + +CHAPTER LIX. + +WHICH RELATES A CURIOUS CONVERSATION THAT TOOK PLACE WHEN THEY +REACHED THE HOUSE OF ANGELIO'S PARENTS. + + + + + +As it would be impossible to describe, within the limits to which I +am bound as writer of this history, the many curious things that +took place when they reached the home of Angelio, I must content +myself by stating that the general was cordially received by her +aged parents, who set before him the best fare their humble +condition afforded, such being the custom of the country. They also +hastened to provide for his mule. In short, nothing was left undone +that could in any way add to the comfort of man and beast; and +though their cabin was built of logs and reeds, more perfect +happiness was not to be found under any roof. When then, the general +had refreshed himself, Angelio sung to him, brought him flowers, +took his hand in her own, and so cheered his drooping spirits that +he forthwith commenced, and gave Mr. Tickler an account of all that +had befallen him since they parted, not even forgetting to mention +the death of old Battle, and the wonderful exploit by which it was +brought about; all of which has been truthfully recorded, and need +not be repeated here. And when he was finished, he requested Mr. +Tickler to give him an account of how he came to be so comfortably +situated. "Honestly, your excellency," replied Mr. Tickler, "though +it cannot be said of me that I have faults as a critic, I confess to +have weaknesses which are strong in the nature, as it is called; and +these weaknesses run to making love, which is a passion with me." + +"Pray, sir," interrupted the general, with a nod, "remember that men +of your profession cannot lay exclusive claim to this, for it is +common to the soldier, and indeed the very best proof of his +gallantry." + +"That may be," resumed the critic, "I know but little of soldiering; +though give me the pen and I can fight a good stroke. Seeing that +you were bent on having a war, which I saw would result in no end of +bloody battles. 'Orlando Tickler,' said I to myself, 'to them that +likes with the war, and do you keep at a safe distance; for when +swords are clashing there's no knowing one minute where a man's head +may be the very next.' So while your excellency was surrounded by +your generals, and had all your thoughts fixed on conquering the +kingdom, I rode my mule into the very grove where we met, intending +there to spend the night, proceed to Jolliffee in the morning, and +seek my way home as best I could. In truth, I felt my poverty +pinching, and I was hungry." + +"Two human ills no amount of courage can overcome," rejoined the +general, with a patronizing bow. + +"It was midnight when I fell asleep, having quenched my thirst, at +the spring; but the thought of home seriously disturbed my slumbers. +However, as morning advanced, I got into a deep sleep, from which I +awoke when the sun was up; and hearing the voice of Angelio, which +floated soft and sweetly through the grove, as she sang a plaintive +song, I fancied myself transported into a fairy land. Now, I must +tell you that this innocent girl, as I am told by a priest, and know +of myself, had a lover who died not long since, and was buried in +this grove, at the foot of a palm-tree. And so strong was her +affection for him, that she regularly paid her devotions at his +grave. The hour chosen for giving this proof of her grief being +early morning, she would pluck wild flowers, fresh with dew, and +scatter them over his grave, which was all that heaven had spared to +heal her wounded heart. She was on one of these errands of devotion, +then, when we met. And here I must tell you, that notwithstanding my +mule was gone, she was so surprised at seeing me, that to preserve +her innocence she would have run terrified to her home, had it not +been that I made such signs as convinced her I was no enemy. As her +courage returned, I approached cautiously, and soon had the +satisfaction to see her sit down upon the trunk of a fallen tree, +where we met as hearts moved by true sympathy only can meet. As she +spoke in Spanish, I could not understand a word she said; nor could +she understand me; but as kindness begets kindness, it soon came to +pass that our affections flowed in one stream; and though the +gushing was rapid, it seemed as if the fountain would never dry. + +"It may surprise you not a little that this was brought about so +suddenly; but if your excellency was as well skilled in these love +affairs as he is in directing a great battle, he would have no +trouble in understanding it." + +"Faith! and I have had some experience in these matters, as my wife +Polly can tell you." + +"Well," resumed Tickler, "I wiped the tears from her eyes, kissed +and kissed her blushing cheeks; and, in truth, offered her so many +proofs of my sincerity, that she returned it with three-fold +interest. Then she led me to the cabin of her parents, who gave me a +warm welcome, and have ever since strove to make my happiness +complete. And now, to shorten the story, I will just tell your +excellency, that having given such proofs of our affections as none +could mistake, a priest was called in, and we were married on the +very next morning. And as you will see that Angelio is possessed of +charms no critic could possibly resist, I will say here, that from +that hour nothing has occured to mar the bright stream of our love, +except that Angelio still continues to strew the grave of her first +lover with flowers." + +"Upon my honor, as a soldier, sir, I never was more delighted in my +life. And as the word of a critic is not to be doubted, I take what +you say for truth, and am not surprised that you choose this +delightful enjoyment in preference to mixing up in the affairs of +war," spoke the general, as Mr. Tickler concluded his story. "But +pray tell me, sir, have you no tidings of my army?" the general +inquired, in a manner so confused as to show that his thoughts had +been wandering to his military exploits. "Having lost my kingdom, it +would be some relief to know which way my army has strayed." + +"That I was going to speak of, but it escaped me. You must know, +then, that a priest came in a few days ago, (and he is no liar!) and +reported that 'these vagabonds,' meaning your excellency's army, +were scattered all over the country, and were in a sad plight, many +of them dying of hunger." + +"Good enough for them!" replied the general, to Mr. Tickler's utter +astonishment. "And if every general be not hanged before he gets out +of the country, then you may set it down that the devil is on their +side; for it was by their disorders I lost my kingdom." + +"What! and has your excellency given up the command of his army?" + +"Honestly, friend Tickler, though I have a rare talent for +commanding, I would defy the devil to keep order in this army sent +me by Glenmoregain. As for the kingdom, I resign that like an +honorable man: and if this ambitious gentleman wants it still, let +him employ another general, for I am resolved to get home where +peace reigns, and I can go to bed without fear of being hanged in +the morning. Yes, sir, I am resolved to wash my hands of all these +vanities, and employ whatever means will carry me quickest out of +the country." + +"By the saints, general, it has never been my good fortune to hear +you talk so sensible. And if you will just come into the garden you +shall know more of my inclinations in this matter." They now sallied +out into the garden and took seats beneath some pomegranate trees, +the night being clear, and the moon shedding a bright light over the +landscape. Feeling sure no one would overhear him, Mr. Tickler said +to the general: "I would have you know, sir, that nothing would so +grieve me as to break faith with my Angelio. But how can a man +brought up to the excitements of New York life content himself in a +desert, where there is neither opera nor balls to go to? And though +my love for Angelio knows no bounds, there are damsels at home for +whom I have a curious longing. Since, then, you are resolved to get +out of the country, I will give it out that I am resolved to +accompany you to Jolliffee, promising to return when I have seen you +safe on your journey. And when we are there, seeing that it will be +no difficult matter for Angelio to get another lover, I will keep +your excellency company to New York." + +"Honestly, friend Tickler," replied the general, "I see you are a +great rogue, and no exception to your calling. Albeit, if you choose +to leave so kind a damsel, and have no fear of her heart and your +own reputation, why, so let it be." And now, scrupulously as I +respect the high honor which rules among critics in general, my love +for truth constrains me here to record, notwithstanding it may do +serious damage to the literary reputation of this history, that this +colloquy ended with arranging a plan by which Mr. Tickler was to +betray Angelio, and leave her the wreck of a broken heart. + +For three days, then, did General Potter enjoy the hospitalities of +this humble cottage, Angelio cutting up the priest's gown and making +it into raiment, which she saw he stood much in need of. She +likewise busied herself in preparing food for their refreshment on +the road, for the husband in whom she placed so much trust, and +whose promise, as conveyed to her by the priest, she held as sacred, +had discovered to her his intention to bear the general company as +far as Jolliffee. Early on the following morning, then, having +completed their arrangements, Mr. Tickler kissed and took a fond +leave of his Angelio, mounted his mule, and left her, never to +return. In another minute they were coursing down the road on their +journey, Angelio and her parents offering up prayers for their +safety. + + + + + + +CHAPTER LX. + +THE LAST AND MOST CURIOUS CHAPTER IN "THIS EVENTFUL HISTORY." + + + + + +MANY strange and unforeseen events have overtaken and seriously +damaged the prospects of various great monarchs, and indeed nipped +their career in the very bud. At least, so it is written in history. +But I venture to assert, that never until the history of General +Roger Sherman Potter was given to the world, could there be found +any record of a great monarch who had ruled supreme over a kingdom, +won battles such as mankind never had dreamed of, and indeed gained +so much glory that every general in the nation was envious of it, +escaping, on a mule, from the country he had conquered, and leaving +his army to the devil and the enemy. Your exacting critic may say, +there is Napoleon! But I would have him bear in mind, that while +Napoleon sent terror to the very heart of nations, the presence of +General Potter was a sign of feasting and merriment, which things +are blessings, mankind stand much in need of. + +But why do I thus give way to my giddy brain? Why, too, should I +thus rudely abandon my hero when on his return to the land where he +drew his first breath, carrying with him no less than a multitude of +laurels? Nay! though my few remaining locks are silvered with the +frosts of four-score winters, and my almost palsied hand refuses to +render me further service, I will not thus leave him to his fate. +Having been ruler over Kalorama, I am sensitive of his virtues, and +would give the world rather than have him damage his reputation. To +enter New York, then, with his glories yet moist upon his garments, +and give himself up to the follies of those who follow the trade of +setting up heroes, would be to consign himself to an oblivion no man +need envy. Being of a humane turn, I am resolved this shall not be, +though it were necessary to invoke the power of the saints to +prevent it. + +In resuming, then, I will merely mention that General Potter and the +critic arrived safe at Jolliffee, the former feeling a regret now +and then for the loss of his kingdom, and the latter scarcely giving +a thought to his Angelio. And, as heaven favors the vanquished, so +they found in the harbor of Jolliffe a brig, which had therein +sought shelter from a storm. Taking advantage of this fortunate +circumstance-for the brig was bound to New York-they sold their +mules, and with the price nicely in their pockets, proceeded on +board and demanded passage for charity's sake. And when they +discovered what manner of men they were, the captain treated them +with great consideration, and not only gave them of his best cheer, +but was delighted at the chance of doing so kind an act as that of +rescuing them from the clutches of the enemy and conveying them +safely to their homes. He also shared his wardrobe with the general; +but all his efforts to cheer his drooping spirits failed. The loss +of his kingdom was no trifling matter; but the sufferings he had +endured cured him of his ambition for worldly glories. And although +the passage to New York was long and tedious, he would sit for +hours, alone, and without exchanging a word with any one. Then again +he would mutter to himself, "Worldly grandeurs-oh! what are they? +God disposes all things! perhaps I did not deserve the kingdom; and +so His will be done." Again he would sit gazing for hours at the +stars, and sigh as if the cares of his forlorn heart were too heavy +for him to bear. + +I remember that once, during one of these reveries, he called Mr. +Tickler to him, saying, "Remember, my trusty friend, I do not mourn +the loss of this kingdom because I am weak at heart, but that it is +natural for a man to reflect on his losses. All I now ask is that +heaven will save me from a watery grave, and see me safe home to my +wife Polly." + +When they arrived at New York it turned out that divers newspapers +had made great victories of all his reverses. And this so delighted +his whole host of admirers that no sooner had the news of his return +got noised about than they ran mad to meet him, discharged numerous +cannons, and indeed made so many demonstrations of joy that the +whole city was on tip-toe to see him, and not a few otherwise +sensible persons would have exchanged all their worldly goods for +even a thread of his garments. A committee of faded heroes and +highly flushed aldermen rushed to the Battery to pay him homage, and +would have had him drawn through the city by the lean horses I have +before described. But unlike another great hero I have in my eye, he +yielded to the promptings of his modesty, took leave of Mr. Tickler +with tears in his eyes, and with a little bundle under his arm, +landed and walked quietly away. In fine, (and with reverence do I +record it here to his credit) he shook his head, and when the +committee of honor pressed upon him and seemed resolved that he +should undergo no few ceremonies, he turned and addressed them thus: +"Let me to my peace, gentlemen, for I am no fool. And if you be good +and honest men, disturb not the peace of the community in this +manner, but get to your homes; and if you cannot comfort your +families, give what you can to the poor, and heaven will forgive +you for your follies." Indeed, so firmly was he resolved to wash his +hands of the world that no force of argument could have induced him +to call upon Glenmoregain, whom he felt in his heart would be +grievously disappointed that he had not returned with his pockets +stuffed full of kingdoms. + +And now, at early dawn of a November morning, a short, fat man, in +tight-fitting garments and the hat of a priest, might have been seen +stepping from on board a small schooner just arrived at Barnstable. +His face was covered with a thick, coarse beard, his countenance +wore a dejected air, and his raiment, if the hat be excepted, was +shabby enough for a professional mountebank out of business. A +chilly wind and a drizzling rain filled the heavens with gloom; +mist-clouds rolled over the land; a gray fog trailed lazily along +the harbor; the scudding clouds vaulted along the heavens as if +driven by the furies; and, indeed, the drenched earth was bespread +with a pall of gloom. + +The dejected man-for such he seemed-adjusted the little bundle under +his arm, looked confusedly upon each object that met his eye, and +then picked his way, shivering, over the muddy road into the +outskirts of the town, which was yet in a sound sleep. He was soon +wet to the skin, and the great rain-drops that fell from his +broad-brimmed hat added to the forlornness of his condition. The +ducks by the roadside ran to their ponds quacking as he approached; +and even the geese seemed to pity his condition, for they awoke to +gabble him out a salutation, and having shook their feathers, they +would sail in the same direction, so long as there was water, and +then take leave of him with a loud gabbling. But this homage brought +him no consolation: indeed, the bleak earth seemed sending a deeper +chill to his heart; and the brown leaf that hung twirling and +dripping from the almost naked tree by the roadside, invested his +feelings with a deeper melancholy, for in it he read the sorrows of +a dead summer. + +Halting at the door of a little house, the roof overgrown with black +moss, the windows filled with rags, and poverty written upon every +shingle, he stood for several seconds hesitating and shivering. Now +he fixed his eyes upon the ground and seemed giving his thoughts to +the music of the rain-drops; now he turned his eyes sorrowfully +upward, as if contemplating the driving clouds. And while I assert +that not even the most keen-eyed observer of human things would have +detected in this forlorn sojourner a professional warrior returning +from the scene of endless victories, and now out of business, the +reader, I am sure, will not be surprised when I inform him that this +drenched traveler was no less a person than General Roger Sherman +Potter, commonly called Roger Potter, the like of whose exploits +modern history bears no record. + +Having done ample penance in the storm, he shook the rain from his +hat and knocked timidly at the door, to which he placed his ear and +listened, as if counting with great exactness every second that +intervened between its opening. Presently a little window at the +side opened and a lean but well-browned face, framed in the grim +border of a dusky night-cap, protruded. Then a sharp, shrill voice +inquired, "Who's there?" + +"Heaven be blessed, Polly, it is your husband Roger!" replied the +traveler, as the words faltered in his chattering teeth. +Exclamations of joy so various that they have entirely escaped the +writer of this history, followed this glad announcement. Thrice the +good woman invoked the blessings of the angels; and, in truth, so +bent did she seem on going mad with joy, that it was not for several +minutes that she bethought herself of opening the door. But when she +did, not a second elapsed until they were in each other's arms, +unburdening their affections in kisses and such other tokens of the +deep seated love they bore each other, that for minutes, and even +hours, it seemed impossible they could survive their joys, which I +here confess (lest some critic set me down for a malicious writer,) +ran into tears, such being the most pious proof of perfect +happiness. + +When, then, they had wiped away their tears of joy, and were more +composed, the good woman, having bid Roger be seated, said, "A +merciful providence, dear Roger, must have hovered over all your +undertakings, or you could not have gained them kingdoms you +described in your letter-" + +"Umph!" returned Roger, hanging down and shaking his head, "the +kingdoms would be well enough if they did not slip so easily through +one's fingers. And what is more, dear Polly, I have come to know +that there is only one kingdom an honest man need have a longing +for, which is the Kingdom of Heaven. Therefore, I am resolved for +the rest of my days to covet no other." + +"But you talk strangely, husband; for I can vow of my own knowledge +that you would not have conquered all them kingdoms without bringing +home cart-loads of gold. We have had a terrible struggle for bread, +dear husband!" + +"You surprise me, Polly! did I not send you a purse full of +doubloons not long since?" + +"The one you sent it with must have mistaken the road, husband, for +he has not showed his face here." + +"Here's where the kingdoms pinch," muttered Roger to himself; while +at the same moment a little boy unrolled himself from the covering +of a bed on the floor, and crying "father! father!" ran to the +general, threw his little arms about his neck, and kissed him, and +fondled over him, like one whose love knew no bounds. And these +caresses the father returned with great paternal tenderness; but he +was too much dejected in spirit to offer the child those merry +tokens of his attachment which had so often amused him in days +gone-by. + +"Though I have conquered kingdoms enough, Polly," said the general, +his eyes moistening with tears, "I am none the better for them now. +In truth, I have nothing but the clothes I stand in; and having +resolved that it was best to be an honest man, I was glad enough to +get safely home, and wash my hands of these kingdoms, which I have +left behind for them who have a turn for such things." + +"Indeed, husband, I will think no more of these riches you promised +me, if you will stay quietly at home, assist me in getting an honest +livelihood, and give your thoughts to God and the church. But how +comes it that you are in the hat of a priest?" + +The forlorn general picked up the hat, and having eyed it +distrustfully, said in reply: "You must know, dear Polly, that +though I gained some fame as a politician; that my valor as a +military man no man ever dared doubt; and that no really great man +ever had more undertakings; this hat is the only trophy left to me. +And though my melancholy put a quick end to the rest of my days, I +am resolved to preserve this relic of my lost kingdom, so that when +my enemies scoff and say, "all the wonderful things that were +written of him had no truth in them, except only as they appeared on +paper, I can, pointing to this hat, say: 'here's the ducat!'" + +"You are dearer to me than several kingdoms would be, dear Roger," +resumed the honest woman, kissing him affectionately. + +"And now, Polly," he rejoined, "give me an account of your trials +and struggles during my absence, for I see care has written the +history of many of them in your face." + +The good woman immediately drew her chair beside him, and commenced +giving an account of the many troubles and trials she had undergone; +but so numerous were they, that it would be impossible to recount +them all here. The little pictures which gave such a martial air to +his home had been sold to get bread; death had kindly stepped in and +relieved the mother of one daughter; the other was out at service. +In short the forlornness pervading each object that met his eye, +told how hard had been the struggle for bread. As she continued +recounting her trials his grief deepened; but when she came to the +death that had carried away his favorite child, his head dropped, +and burying his face in his hands, he gave vent to his feelings in +sobs and tears. "Heaven give me strength," he sighed, "that I may +retain her sweet face in my memory." This was indeed a misfortune +that seemed to shut the past from his thoughts, and to increase his +sufferings as the future appeared to him in all its loneliness. And +when he had partially recovered from this shock of grief, the good +woman brought him food, for he was hungry; and also procured him a +change of raiment from one of the neighbors, there not being a shred +of his own in the house. And when he had satisfied his appetite, he +turned to his wife, saying; "As these misfortunes which have +overtaken me are incident to the lives of all great men, I hold it +good policy that we mourn them not too long, but set to loving one +another, that we may be cured of the sins of this world when death +calls us away." + +Polly at once fell in with this opinion; but being a sensible woman, +was careful to add a clause stipulating that Roger give up politics +and return to the making of shoes, at which employment there was +some chance of getting food to maintain the body, without which +there was no knowing what would become of the soul. His sword being +in the possession of the priest, there was no immediate danger of a +return of his military ardor. As for governing, he made up his mind +that the most worthy man in that line was the shepherd who provided +well for the lambs of his own flock. "For truly," said he, "I have +gained the applause of millions; but it has not saved my family from +want." And with these salutary resolutions, he sought and obtained +employment in the town; where he lives much respected by his +neighbors, who, I must add, were not a little disappointed that he +returned so unexpectedly and shabbily, for they had read in the +newspapers that he was a great ruler, which, however, was strange +enough, for they knew in their own minds that he was dull of +intellect, and in truth had a disordered brain. + +Many years after his return he went about seemingly much dejected. +Indeed, he would avoid even his best friends, and go straight into a +melancholy mood if in a merry moment any one ever touched upon his +past career, though I ought to mention that he rarely appeared in +the street without being saluted by little Barnstable, who would +gather about him, and persist in offering him that species of homage +it was accustomed to pay him in years gone by. But even this failed +to excite the slightest love of adventure in his bosom; and the star +of his glory sank to rise no more. + +And now, the stream of my compassion having run out, I have felt +myself at liberty to desert many of the characters who figured so +conspicuously in the early part of this history; and, indeed, to +leave them in that state of glorious uncertainty for which critics +have a perfect madness, since it furnishes their bountiful pens +with means to show the greatness of their wisdom. But if any of +these good natured gentlemen critics call me such names, as: +"simpleton," "a fool and don't know it," "an idiot making an ass of +himself," which exquisite expressions I have selected from the +sayings of critics at this day, I would have them beware, since if I +am old, my heart is none the less given to mischief, and I have a +rare knack for cracking the pates of those who say aught +disrespectful of my books. + +THE END. + + + + + +End Project Gutenberg's Life and Adventures of Maj. Roger Sherman Potter, +by Francis Colburn Adams (using the pseudonym Pheleg Van Trusedale) + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SHERMAN POTTER *** + +This file should be named 4959.txt or 4959.zip + +This eBook was edited by Charles Aldarondo (www.aldarondo.net). + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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