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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/4910.txt b/4910.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e065524 --- /dev/null +++ b/4910.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3290 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Magic Pudding, by Norman Lindsay + + +************************************************************** +THERE IS AN IMPROVED ILLUSTRATED EDITION OF THIS TITLE WHICH MAY BE VIEWED +AS EBOOK (# 23625) at https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/23625 +************************************************************** + + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: The Magic Pudding + +Author: Norman Lindsay + +Release Date: January, 2004 [EBook #4910] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on March 26, 2002] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, THE MAGIC PUDDING *** + + + + +This eBook was produced by Geoffrey Cowling. + + + +The Magic Pudding: +Being the Adventures of Bunyip Bluegum and his friends +Bill Barnacle and Sam Sawnoff + +by + +Norman Lindsay + + + + +[ Bunyip Bluegum ] +[ and his Uncle ] +[ are koalas ] +[ ] + + +This is a frontways view of Bunyip Bluegum and his Uncle Wattleberry. +At a glance you can see what a fine, round, splendid fellow Bunyip +Bluegum is, without me telling you. At a second glance you can see +that the Uncle is more square than round, and that his face has +whiskers on it. + + +Looked at sideways you can still see what a splendid fellow Bunyip +is, though you can only see one of his Uncle's whiskers. + + +Observed from behind, however, you completely lose sight of the +whiskers, and so fail to realize how immensely important they +are. In fact, these very whiskers were the chief cause of +Bunyip's leaving home to see the world, for, as he often said to +himself-- + +"Whiskers alone are bad enough +Attached to faces coarse and rough +But how much greater their offence is +When stuck on Uncles' countenances." + +The plain truth was that Bunyip and his Uncle lived in a small +house in a tree, and there was no room for the whiskers. What was +worse, the whiskers were red, and they blew about in the wind, and +Uncle Wattleberry would insist on bringing them to the dinner +table with him, where they got in the soup. + +Bunyip Bluegum was a tidy bear, and he objected to whisker soup, +so he was forced to eat his meals outside, which was awkward, and +besides, lizards came and borrowed his soup. + +His Uncle refused to listen to reason on the subject of his +whiskers. It was quite useless giving him hints, such as presents +of razors, and scissors, and boxes of matches to burn them off. +On such occasions he would remark-- + +"Shaving may add an air that's somewhat brisker, +For dignity, commend me to the whisker." + +Or, when more deeply moved, he would exclaim-- + +"As noble thoughts the inward being grace, +So noble whiskers dignify the face." + +Prayers and entreaties to remove the whiskers being of no avail, +Bunyip decided to leave home without more ado. The trouble was +that he couldn't make up his mind whether to be a Traveller or a +Swagman. You can't go about the world being nothing, but if you +are a traveller you have to carry a bag, while if you are a +swagman you have to carry a swag, and the question is: +Which is the heavier? + +At length he decided to put the matter before Egbert Rumpus Bumpus, +the poet, and ask his advice. He found Egbert busy writing poems +on a slate. He was so busy that he only had time to sing out, + +"Don't interrupt the poet, friend, +Until his poem's at an end," + +and went on writing harder than ever. He wrote all down one side +of the slate and all up the other, and then remarked, + +"As there's no time to finish that, +The time has come to have our chat. +Be quick, my friend, your business state +Before I take another slate." + +"The fact is," said Bunyip, "I have decided to see the world, +and I cannot make up my mind whether to be a Traveller or a +Swagman. Which would you advise?" + +Then said the Poet-- + +"As you've no bags it's plain to see +A traveller you cannot be; +And as a swag you haven't either +You cannot be a swagman neither. +For travellers must carry bags, +And swagmen have to hump their swags + Like bottle-ohs or ragmen. +As you have neither swag nor bag +You must remain a simple wag, + And not a swag- or bagman." + +"Dear me," said Bunyip Bluegum, "I never thought of that. +What must I do in order to see the world without carrying swags +or bags?" + +The Poet thought deeply, put on his eyeglass, and said +impressively-- + +"Take my advice, don't carry bags, +For bags are just as bad as swags; + They're never made to measure. +To see the world, your simple trick +Is but to take a walking-stick +Assume an air of pleasure, +And tell the people near and far +You stroll about because you are + A Gentleman of Leisure." + +"You have solved the problem," said Bunyip Bluegum, and wringing +his friend's hand, he ran straight home, took his Uncle's +walking-stick, and, assuming an air of pleasure, set off to see +the world. + +He found a great many things to see, such as dandelions, and ants, +and traction engines, and bolting horses, and furniture being +removed, besides being kept busy raising his hat, and passing the +time of day with people on the road, for he was a very well-bred +young fellow, polite in his manners, graceful in his attitudes, and +able to converse on a great variety of subjects, having read all +the best Australian poets. + +Unfortunately, in the hurry of leaving home, he had forgotten to +provide himself with food, and at lunch time found himself attacked +by the pangs of hunger. + +"Dear me," he said, "I feel quite faint. I had no idea that +one's stomach was so important. I have everything I require, +except food; but without food everything is rather less than +nothing. + +"I've got a stick to walk with. +I've got a mind to think with. +I've got a voice to talk with. +I've got an eye to wink with. +I've lots of teeth to eat with, +A brand new hat to bow with, +A pair of fists to beat with, +A rage to have a row with. +No joy it brings + To have indeed +A lot of things + One does not need. +Observe my doleful-plight. + For here am I without a crumb + To satisfy a raging turn +0 what an oversight!" + +As he was indulging in these melancholy reflections he came round +a bend in the road, and discovered two people in the very act of +having lunch. These people were none other than Bill Barnacle, +the sailor, and his friend, Sam Sawnoff, the penguin bold. + +Bill was a small man with a large hat, a beard half as large as his +hat, and feet half as large as his beard. Sam Sawnoff's feet were +sitting down and his body was standing up, because his feet were +so short and his body so long that he had to do both together. +They had a pudding in a basin, and the smell that arose from it +was so delightful that Bunyip Bluegum was quite unable to pass on. + +"Pardon me," he said, raising his hat, "but am I right in +supposing that this is a steak-and-kidney pudding?" + +"At present it is," said Bill Barnacle. + +"It smells delightful," said Bunyip Bluegum. + +"It is delightful," said Bill, eating a large mouthful. + +Bunyip Bluegum was too much of a gentleman to invite himself to +lunch, but he said carelessly, "Am I right in supposing that +there are onions in this pudding?" + +Before Bill could reply, a thick, angry voice came out of the +pudding, saying-- + +"Onions, bunions, corns and crabs, +Whiskers, wheels and hansom cabs, +Beef and bottles, beer and bones, +Give him a feed and end his groans." + +"Albert, Albert," said Bill to the Puddin', "where's your manners?" + +"Where's yours?" said the Puddin' rudely, "guzzling away +there, and never so much as offering this stranger a slice." + +"There you are," said Bill. "There's nothing this Puddin' enjoys +more than offering slices of himself to strangers." + +"How very polite of him," said Bunyip, but the Puddin' replied +loudly-- + +"Politeness be sugared, politeness be hanged, +Politeness be jumbled and tumbled and banged. +It's simply a matter of putting on pace, +Politeness has nothing to do with the case." + +"Always anxious to be eaten," said Bill, "that's this Puddin's +mania. Well, to oblige him, I ask you to join us at lunch." + +"Delighted, I'm sure," said Bunyip, seating himself. "There's +nothing I enjoy more than a good go in at steak-and-kidney +pudding in the open air." + +"Well said," remarked Sam Sawnoff, patting him on the back. +"Hearty eaters are always welcome." + +"You'll enjoy this Puddin'," said Bill, handing him a large +slice. "This is a very rare Puddin'." + +"It's a cut-an'-come-again Puddin'," said Sam. + +"It's a Christmas steak and apple-dumpling Puddin'," said Bill. + +"It's a --. Shall I tell him?" he asked, looking at Bill. Bill +nodded, and the Penguin leaned across to Bunyip Bluegum and said in +a low voice, "It's a Magic Puddin'." + +"No whispering," shouted the Puddin' angrily. "Speak up. Don't +strain a Puddin's ears at the meal table." + +"No harm intended, Albert," said Sam, "I was merely remarking +how well the crops are looking. Call him Albert when addressing +him," he added to Bunyip Bluegum. "It soothes him." + +"I am delighted to make your acquaintance, Albert," said Bunyip. + +"No soft soap from total strangers," said the Puddin', rudely. + +"Don't take no notice of him, mate," said Bill, "That's only his +rough and ready way. What this Puddin' requires is politeness +and constant eatin'." + +They had a delightful meal, eating as much as possible, for +whenever they stopped eating the Puddin' sang out + +"Eat away, chew away, munch and bolt and guzzle, +Never leave the table till you're full up to the muzzle." + +But at length they had to stop, in spite of these encouraging +remarks, and as they refused to eat any more, the Puddin' got +out of his basin, remarking--"If you won't eat any more here's +giving you a run for the sake of exercise," and he set off so +swiftly on a pair of extremely thin legs that Bill had to run +like an antelope to catch him up. "My word," said Bill, when +the Puddin' was brought back. "You have to be as smart as paint +to keep this Puddin' in order. He's that artful, lawyers couldn't +manage him. Put your hat on, Albert, like a little gentleman," +he added, placing the basin on his head. He took the Puddin's hand, +Sam took the other, and they all set off along the road. A peculiar +thing about the Puddin' was that, though they had all had a great +many slices off him, there was no sign of the place whence the +slices had been cut. + +"That's where the Magic comes in," explained Bill. "The more +you eats the more you gets. Cut-an'-come-again is his name, +an' cut, an' come again, is his nature. Me an' Sam has been eatin' +away at this Puddin' for years, and there's not a mark on him. +Perhaps," he added, "you would like to hear how we came to own +this remarkable Puddin'." + +"Nothing would please me more," said Bunyip Bluegum. + +"In that case," said Bill, "Let her go for a song. + +"Ho, the cook of the 'Saucy Sausage", + Was a feller called Curry and Rice, +A son of a gun as fat as a tun +With a face as round as a hot cross bun, + Or a barrel, to be precise. + +"One winter's morn we rounds the Horn, + A-rollin' homeward bound. +We strikes on the ice, +goes down in a trice, +And all on board but Curry and Rice + And me an' Sam is drowned. + +"For Sam an' me an' the cook, yer see, + We climbs on a lump of ice, +And there in the sleet we suffered a treat +For several months from frozen feet, +With nothin' at all but ice to eat, + And ice does not suffice. + +"And Sam and me we couldn't agree + With the cook at any price. +We was both as thin as a piece of tin +While that there cook was bustin' his skin + On nothin' to eat but ice. + +"Says Sam to me, 'It's a mystery + More deep than words can utter; +Whatever we do, here's me an you, +Us both as thin as Irish stoo, + While he's as fat as butter.' + +"But late one night we wakes in fright + To see by a pale blue flare, +That cook has got in a phantom pot +A big plum-duff an' a rump-steak hot, +And the guzzlin' wizard is eatin' the lot, + On top of the iceberg bare." + +"There's a verse left out here," said Bill, stopping the song, +"owin' to the difficulty of explainin' exactly what happened +when me and Sam discovered the deceitful nature of that cook. +The next verse is as follows:-- + +"Now Sam an' me can never agree + What happened to Curry and Rice. +The whole affair is shrouded in doubt, +For the night was dark and the flare went out, +And all we heard was a startled shout, +Though I think meself, in the subsequent rout, +That us bein' thin, an' him bein' stout, +In the middle of pushin' an' shovin' about, + He--MUST HAVE FELL OFF THE ICE." + +"That won't do, you know," began the Puddin', but Sam said hurriedly, +"It was very dark, and there's no sayin' at this date what happened." + +"Yes there is," said the Puddin', "for I had my eye on the whole +affair, and it's my belief that if he hadn't been so round you'd +have never rolled him off the iceberg, for you was both singing +out, `Yo heave Ho' for half-an-hour, an' him trying to hold on +to Bill's beard." + +"In the haste of the moment," said Bill, "he may have got a bit +of a shove, for the ice bein' slippy, and us bein' justly +enraged, and him bein' as round as a barrel, he may, as I said, +have been too fat to save himself from rollin' off the iceberg. +The point, however, is immaterial to our story, which concerns this +Puddin'; and this Puddin'," said Bill, patting him on the basin, +"was the very Puddin' that Curry and Rice invented on the +iceberg." + +"He must have been a very clever cook," said Bunyip. + +"He was, poor feller, he was," said Bill, greatly affected. +"For plum duff or Irish stoo there wasn't his equal in the land. +But enough of these sad subjects. Pausin' only to explain that +me an' Sam got off the iceberg on a homeward bound chicken coop, +landed on Tierra del Fuego, walked to Valparaiso, and so got home, +I will proceed to enliven the occasion with `The Ballad of the +Bo'sun's Bride'." + +And without more ado, Bill, who had one of those beef-and-thunder +voices, roared out-- + +"Ho, aboard the Salt Junk Sarah + We was rollin' homeward bound, +When the bo'sun's bride fell over the side + And very near got drowned. +Rollin' home, rollin' home, +Rollin' home across the foam, + She had to swim to save her glim +And catch us rollin' home." + +It was a very long song, so the rest of it is left out here, but +there was a great deal of rolling and roaring in it, and they all +joined in the chorus. They were all singing away at the top of +their pipe, as Bill called it, when round a bend in the road they +came on two low-looking persons hiding behind a tree. One was a +Possum, with one of those sharp, snooting, snouting sort of faces, +and the other was a bulbous, boozy-looking Wombat in an old +long-tailed coat, and a hat that marked him down as a man you +couldn't trust in the fowl-yard. They were busy sharpening up a +carving knife on a portable grindstone, but the moment they caught +sight of the travellers the Possum whipped the knife behind him and +the Wombat put his hat over the grindstone. + +Bill Barnacle flew into a passion at these signs of treachery. +"I see you there," he shouted. + +"You can't see all of us," shouted the Possum, and the Wombat +added, "Cause why, some of us is behind the tree." + +Bill led the others aside, in order to hold a consultation. +"What on earth's to be done?" he said. + +"We shall have to fight them, as usual," said Sam. + +"Why do you have to fight them?" asked Bunyip Bluegum. + +"Because they're after our Puddin'," said Bill. + +"They're after our Puddin'," explained Sam, "because they're +professional puddin'-thieves." + +"And as we're perfessional puddin'-owners," said Bill, "we have +to fight them on principle. The fighting," he added, "is a mere +flea-bite, as the sayin' goes. The trouble is, what's to be done +with the Puddin'?" + +"While you do the fighting," said Bunyip bravely, "I shall mind +the Puddin'." + +"The trouble is," said Bill, "that this is a very secret, crafty +Puddin', an' if you wasn't up to his games he'd be askin' you to +look at a spider an' then run away while your back is turned." + +"That's right," said the Puddin', gloomily. "Take a Puddin's +character away. Don't mind his feelings." + +"We don't mind your feelin's, Albert," said Bill. "What we +minds is your treacherous 'abits." But Bunyip Bluegum said, "Why +not turn him upside-down and sit on him?" + +"What a brutal suggestion," said the Puddin'; but no notice was +taken of his objections, and as soon as he was turned safely +upside down, Bill and Sam ran straight at the puddin'-thieves and +commenced sparring up at them with the greatest activity. + +"Put 'em up, ye puddin'-snatchers," shouted Bill. "Don't keep us +sparrin' up here all day. Come out an' take your gruel while +you've got the chance." + +The Possum wished to turn the matter off by saying, "I see the +price of eggs has gone up again," but Bill gave him a punch on the +snout that bent it like a carrot, and Sam caught the Wombat such a +flip with his flapper that he gave in at once. + +"I shan't be able to fight any more this afternoon," said the +Wombat, "as I've got sore feet." The Possum said hurriedly, "We +shall be late for that appointment," and they took their grindstone +and off they went. + +But when they were a safe distance away the Possum sang out: +"You'll repent this conduct. You'll repent bending a man's snout +so that he can hardly see over it, let alone breathe through it +with comfort," and the Wombat added, "For shame, flapping a man +with sore feet." + +"We laugh with scorn at threats," said Bill, and he added as a +warning-- + +"I don't repent a snout that's bent, + And if again I tap it, +Oh, with a clout I'll bend that snout + With force enough to snap it." + +and Sam added for the Wombat's benefit-- + +"I take no shame to fight the lame +When they deserve to cop it. +So do not try to pipe your eye, +Or with my flip I'll flop it." + +The puddin'-thieves disappeared over the hill and, as the evening +happened to come down rather suddenly at that moment, Bill said, +"Business bein' over for the day, now's the time to set about +makin' the camp fire." + +This was a welcome suggestion, for, as all travellers know, if you +don't sit by a camp fire in the evening, you have to sit by +nothing in the dark, which is a most unsociable way of spending +your time. They found a comfortable nook under the hedge, where +there were plenty of dry leaves to rest on, and there they built +a fire, and put the billy on, and made tea. The tea and sugar and +three tin cups and half a pound of mixed biscuits were brought out +of the bag by Sam, while Bill cut slices of steak-and-kidney from +the Puddin'. After that they had boiled jam roll and apple +dumpling, as the fancy took them, for if you wanted a change of +food from the Puddin', all you had to do was to whistle twice and +turn the basin round. + +After they had eaten as much as they wanted, the things were put +away in the bag, and they settled down comfortably for the +evening. "This is what I call grand," said Bill, cutting up his +tobacco. "Full-and-plenty to eat, pipes goin' and the evenin's +enjoyment before us. Tune up on the mouth-organ, Sam, an' off she +goes with a song." + +They had a mouth-organ in the bag which they took turns at +playing, and Bill led off with a song which he said was called + +SPANISH GOLD + +"When I was young I used to hold + I'd run away to sea, +And be a Pirate brave and bold + On the coast of Caribbee. + +"For I sez to meself, `I'll fill me hold +With Spanish silver and Spanish gold, +And out of every ship I sink +I'll collar the best of food and drink. + +"`For Caribbee, or Barbaree, +Or the shores of South Amerikee +Are all the same to a Pirate bold, +Whose thoughts are fixed on Spanish gold.' + +"So one fine day I runs away + A Pirate for to be; +But I found there was never a Pirate left + On the coast of Caribbee. + +"For Pirates go, but their next of kin +Are Merchant Captains, hard as sin, +And Merchant Mates as hard as nails +Aboard of every ship that sails. + +"And I worked aloft and I worked below, +I worked wherever I had to go, +And the winds blew hard and the winds blew cold, +And I sez to meself as the ship she rolled, + +"`O Caribbee! O Barbaree! +O shores of South Amerikee! +O, never go there: if the truth be told, +You'll get more kicks than Spanish gold.'" + +"And that's the truth, mate," said Bill to Bunyip Bluegum. "There +ain't no pirates nowadays at sea, except western ocean First Mates, +and many's the bootin' I've had for not takin' in the slack of +the topsail halyards fast enough to suit their fancy. It's a hard +life, the sea, and Sam here'll bear me out when I say that bein' +hit on the head with a belayin' pin while tryin' to pick up the +weather earring is an experience that no man wants twice. But toon +up, and a song all round." + +"I shall sing you the `The Penguin Bold,'" said Sam, and, striking +a graceful attitude, he sang this song-- + +"To see the penguin out at sea, + And watch how he behaves, +Would prove that penguins cannot be + And never shall be slaves. +You haven't got a notion +How penguins brave the ocean, + And laugh with scorn at waves. + +"To see the penguin at his ease + Performing fearful larks +With stingarees of all degrees, + As well as whales and sharks ; +The sight would quickly let you know +The great contempt that penguins show + For stingarees and sharks. + +"O see the penguin as he goes + A-turning Catherine wheels, +Without repose upon the nose + Of walruses and seals. +But bless your heart, a penguin feels +Supreme contempt for foolish seals, + While he never fails, where'er he goes, + To turn back-flaps on a walrus nose." + +"It's all very fine," said the Puddin' gloomily, "singing about +the joys of being penguins and pirates, but how'd you like to be +a Puddin' and be eaten all day long?" + +And in a very gruff voice he sang as follows:-- + +"O, who would be a puddin', + A puddin' in a pot, +A puddin' which is stood on + A fire which is hot ? +O sad indeed the lot +Of puddin's in a pot. + +"I wouldn't be a puddin' + If I could be a bird, +If I could be a wooden + Doll, I wouldn't say a word. +Yes, I have often heard +It's grand to be a bird. + +"But as I am a puddin', + A puddin' in a pot, +I hope you get the stomachache + For eatin' me a lot. +I hope you get it hot, +You puddin'-eatin' lot!" + +"Very well sung, Albert," said Bill encouragingly, "though +you're a trifle husky in your undertones, which is no doubt due +to the gravy in your innards. However, as a reward for bein' a +bright little feller we shall have a slice of you all round before +turnin' in for the night." + +So they whistled up the plum-duff side of the Puddin', and had +supper. When that was done, Bill stood up and made a speech to +Bunyip Bluegum. + +"I am now about to put before you an important proposal," said +Bill. "Here you are, a young intelligent feller, goin' about +seein' the world by yourself. Here is Sam an' me, two as fine +fellers as ever walked, goin' about the world with a Puddin'. +My proposal to you is--Join us, and become a member of the Noble +Society of Puddin'-Owners. The duties of the Society," went on +Bill, "are light. The members are required to wander along the +roads, indulgin' in conversation, song and story, eatin' at +regular intervals at the Puddin'. And now, what's your answer?" + +"My answer," said Bunyip Bluegum, "is, Done with you." +And, shaking hands warmly all round, they loudly sang. + +THE PUDDIN'-OWNERS' ANTHEM. + +"The solemn word is plighted, + The solemn tale is told, +We swear to stand united, + Three puddin'-owners bold. + +"Hurrah for puddin'-owning, + Hurrah for Friendship's hand, +The puddin'-thieves are groaning + To see our noble band. + +"When we with rage assemble, + Let puddin'-snatchers groan; +Let puddin'-burglars tremble, + They'll ne'er our puddin' own. + + +"Hurrah, we'll stick together, + And always bear in mind +To eat our puddin' gallantly, + Whenever we're inclined. + + +"Having given three rousing cheers, they shook hands once more +and turned in for the night. After such a busy day, walking, +talking, fighting, singing, and eating puddin', they were all +asleep in a pig's whisper. + + + +SECOND SLICE + + +The Society of Puddin'-Owners were up bright and early next +morning, and had the billy on and tea made before six o'clock, +which is the best part of the day, because the world has just +had his face washed, and the air smells like Pears' soap. + +"Aha," said Bill Barnacle, cutting up slices of the Puddin', +"this is what I call grand. Here we are, after a splendid night's +sleep on dry leaves, havin' a smokin' hot slice of steak-and-kidney +for breakfast round the camp fire. What could be more delightful?" + +"What indeed?" said Bunyip Bluegum, sipping his tea. + +"Why, as I always say," said Bill, "if there's one thing more +entrancin' than sittin' round a camp fire in the evenin' it's +sittin' round a camp fire in the mornin'. No beds and blankets +and breakfast tables for Bill Barnacle. For as I says in my +`Breakfast Ballad'-- + +"If there's anythin' better than lyin' on leaves, + It's risin' from leaves at dawnin', +If there's anythin' better than sleepin' at eve, + It's wakin' up in the mawnin'. + +"If there's anythin' better than camp firelight, + It's bright sunshine on wakin'. +If there's anythin' better than puddin' at night, + It's puddin' when day is breakin'. + +"If there's anythin' better than singin' away + While the stars are gaily shinin', +Why, it's singin' a song at dawn of day, + On puddin' for breakfast dinin'." + +There was a hearty round of applause at this song, for, as Bunyip +Bluegum remarked, "singing at breakfast should certainly be more +commonly indulged in, as it greatly tends to enliven what is on +most occasions a somewhat dull proceeding." + +"One of the great advantages of being a professional puddin'-owner," +said Sam Sawnoff, "is that songs at breakfast are always encouraged. +None of the ordinary breakfast rules, such as scowling while eating, +and saying the porridge is as stiff as glue and the eggs are as +tough as leather, are observed. Instead, songs, roars of laughter, +and boisterous jests are the order of the day. For example, this +sort of thing," added Sam, doing a rapid back-flap and landing with +a thump on Bill's head. As Bill was unprepared for this act of +boisterous humour, his face was pushed into the Puddin' with great +violence, and the gravy as splashed in his eye. + +"What d'yer mean, playin' such bungfoodlin' tricks on a man at +breakfast?" roared Bill. + +"What d'yer mean," shouted the Puddin', "playing such +foodbungling tricks on a Puddin' being breakfasted at?" + +"Breakfast humour, Bill, merely breakfast humour," said Sam, +hastily. + +"Humour's humour," shouted Bill, "but puddin' in the whiskers is +no joke." + +"Whiskers in the Puddin' is worse than puddin' in the whiskers," +shouted the Puddin', standing up in his basin. + +"Observe the rules, Bill," said Sam hurriedly. "Boisterous +humour at the breakfast table must be greeted with roars of +laughter." + +"To Jeredelum with the rules," shouted Bill. "Pushing a man's +face into his own breakfast is beyond rules or reason, and deserves +a punch in the gizzard." + +Seeing matters arriving at this unpromising situation, Bunyip +Bluegum interposed by saying, "Rather than allow this happy +occasion to be marred by unseemly recriminations, let us, while +admitting that our admirable friend, Sam, may have unwittingly +disturbed the composure of our admirable friend, Bill, at the +expense of our admirable Puddin's gravy, let us, I say, by the +simple act of extending the hand of friendship, dispel in an +instant these gathering clouds of disruption. In the words of +the poem-- + +`Then let the fist of Friendship + Be kept for Friendship's foes. +Ne'er let that hand in anger land + On Friendship's holy nose.'" + +These fine sentiments at once dispelled Bill's anger. He shook +hands warmly with Sam, wiped the gravy from his face, and resumed +breakfast with every appearance of hearty good humour. + +The meal over, the breakfast things were put away in the bag, Sam +and Bill took Puddin' between them, and all set off along the +road, enlivening the way with song and story. Bill regaled them +with portions of the "Ballad of the Salt Junk Sarah," which is one +of those songs that go on for ever. Its great advantage, as Bill +remarked, was that as it hadn't got an ending it didn't need a +beginning, so you could start it anywhere. + +"As for instance," said Bill, and he roared out-- + +"Ho, aboard the Salt Junk Sarah, +Rollin' home across the line, +The Bo'sun collared the Captain's hat +And threw it in the brine. +Rollin' home, rollin' home, +Rollin' home across the foam, +The Captain sat without a hat +The whole way rollin' home." + +Entertaining themselves in this way as they strolled along, they +were presently arrested by shouts of "Fire! Fire!" and a Fireman +in a large helmet came bolting down the road, pulling a fire hose +behind him. + +"Aha!" said Bill. "Now we shall have the awe-inspirin' spectacle +of a fire to entertain us," and, accosting the Fireman, he +demanded to know where the fire was. + +"The fact is," said the Fireman, "that owing to the size of this +helmet I can't see where it is; but if you will kindly glance at +the surrounding district, you'll see it about somewhere." + +They glanced about and, sure enough, there was a fire burning +in the next field. It was only a cowshed, certainly, but it was +blazing very nicely, and well worth looking at. + +"Fire," said Bill, "in the form of a common cowshed, is burnin' +about nor'-nor'-east as the crow flies." + +"In that case," said the Fireman, "I invite all present to +bravely assist in putting it out. But," he added impressively, +"if you'll take my advice, you'll shove that Puddin' in this +hollow log and roll a stone agen the end to keep him in, for if he +gets too near the flames he'll be cooked again and have his flavour +ruined." + +"This is a very sensible feller," said Bill, and though Puddin' +objected strongly, he was at once pushed into a log and securely +fastened in with a large stone. + +"How'd you like to be shoved in a blooming log," he shouted at +Bill, "when you was burning with anxiety to see the fire?" but +Bill said severely, "Be sensible, Albert, fires is too dangerous +to Puddins' flavours." + +No more time was lost in seizing the hose and they set off with +the greatest enthusiasm. For, as everyone knows, running with the +reel is one of the grand joys of being a fireman. They had the +hose fixed to a garden tap in no time, and soon were all hard at +work, putting out the fire. + +Of course there was a great deal of smoke and shouting, and getting +tripped up by the hose, and it was by the merest chance Bunyip +Bluegum glanced back in time to see the Wombat in the act of +stealing the Puddin' from the hollow log. + +"Treachery is at work," he shouted. + +"Treachery," roared Bill, and with one blow on the snout knocked +the Fireman endways on into the burning cinders, where his helmet +fell off, and exposed the countenance of that snooting, snouting +scoundrel, the Possum. + +The Possum, of course, hadn't expected to have his disguise pierced +so swiftly, and, though he managed to scramble out of the fire in +time to save his bacon, he was considerably singed down the back. + +"What a murderous attack!" he exclaimed. "O, what a brutal +attempt to burn a man alive!" and as some hot cinders had got +down his back he gave a sharp yell and ran off, singeing and +smoking. Bill, distracted with rage, ran after the Possum, then +changed his mind and ran after the Wombat, so that, what with +running first after one and then after the other, they both had +time to get clean away, and disappeared over the skyline. + +"I see it all," shouted Bill, casting himself down in despair. +"Them low puddin'-thieves has borrowed a fireman's helmet, collared +a hose, an' set fire to a cowshed in order to lure us away from +the Puddin'." + +"The whole thing's a low put-up job on our noble credulity," said +Sam, casting himself down beside Bill. + +"It's one of the most frightful things that's ever happened," said +Bill. + +"It's worse than treading on tacks with bare feet," said Sam. + + +"It's worse than bein' caught stealin' fowls," said Bill. + +"It's worse than bein' stood on by cows," said Sam. + +"It's almost as bad as havin' an uncle called +Aldobrantifoscofornio," said Bill, and they both sang loudly-- + +"It's worse than weevils, worse than warts, + It's worse than corns to bear. +It's worse than havin' several quarts + Of treacle in your hair. + +"It's worse than beetles in the soup, + It's worse than crows to eat. +It's worse than wearin' small-sized boots + Upon your large-sized feet. + +"It's worse than kerosene to boose, + It's worse than ginger hair. +It's worse than anythin' to lose + A Puddin' rich and rare." + +Bunyip Bluegum reproved this despondency, saying "Come, come, +this is no time for giving way to despair. Let us, rather, +by the fortitude of our bearing prove ourselves superior to this +misfortune and, with the energy of justly enraged men, pursue +these malefactors, who have so richly deserved our vengeance. +Arise! + +"The grass is green, the day is fair, + The dandelions abound. +Is this a time for sad despair + And sitting on the ground? + +"Let gloom give way to angry glare, + Let weak despair be drowned, +Let vengeance in its rage declare + Our Puddin' must be found. + +"Our Puddin' in some darksome lair + In iron chains is bound, +While puddin'-snatchers on him fare, + And eat him by the pound. + +"Then let's resolve to do and dare. + Let teeth with rage be ground. +Let voices to the heavens declare + Our Puddin' MUST be found." + +"Bravely spoken," said Bill, immediately recovering from despair. +"Those gallant words have fired our blood," said Sam, and they +both shook hands with Bunyip, to show that they were now prepared +to follow the call of vengeance. + +In order to investigate this dastardly outrage," said Bunyip, +"we must become detectives, and find a clue. We must find +somebody who has seen a singed possum. Once traced to their +lair, mother-wit will suggest some means of rescuing our Puddin'." + +They set off at once, and, after a brisk walk, came to a small +house with a signboard on it saying, "Henderson Hedgehog, +Horticulturist." Henderson himself was in the garden, horticulturing +a cabbage, and they asked him if he had chanced to see a singed +possum that morning. "What's that? What, what?" said Henderson +Hedgehog, and when they had repeated the question, he said, " You +must speak up, I'm a trifle deaf." + +"Have you seen a singed possum?" shouted Bill. "I can't hear +you," said Henderson. + +"Have you seen a SINGED POSSUM?" roared Bill. + +"To be sure," said Henderson, "but the turnips are backward." + +"Turnips be stewed," yelled Bill in such a tremendous voice that he +blew his own hat off. "HAVE YOU SEEN A SINGED POSSUM?" + +"Good season for wattle blossom," said Henderson. "Well, yes, +but a very poor season for carrots." + +"A man might as well talk to a carrot as try an' get sense out +of this runt of a feller," said Bill, disgusted. "Come an' see +if we can't find someone that it won't bust a man's vocal cords +gettin' information out of." + +They left Henderson to his horticulturing and walked on till they +met a Parrot who was a Swagman, or a Swagman who was a Parrot. He +must have been one or the other, if not both, for he had a bag and +a swag, and a beak and a billy, and a thundering bad temper into +the bargain, for the moment Bill asked him if he had met a singed +possum he shouted back-- + +" Me eat a singed possum! I wouldn't eat a possum if he was +singed, roasted, boiled, or fried." + +" Not ett--met," shouted Bill. "I said, met a singed possum." + +"Why can't yer speak plainly, then," said the Parrot. "Have you +got a fill of tobacco on yer?" + +He took out his pipe and scowled at Bill. + +"Here you are," said Bill. "Cut a fill an' answer the +question." + +" All in good time," said the Parrot, and he added to Sam, +"You got any tobacco?" + +Sam handed him a fill, and he put it in his pocket. "You ain't +got any tobacco," he said scornfully to Bunyip Bluegum. "I can +see that at a glance. You're one of the non-smoking sort, all fur +and feathers." + +"Here," said Bill angrily, "Enough o' this beatin' about the +bush. Answer the question." + +"Don't be impatient," said the Parrot. "Have you got a bit o' +tea an' sugar on yer?" + +"Here's yer tea an' sugar," said Bill, handing a little of each +out of the bag. "An that's the last thing you get. Now will you +answer the question?" + +"Wot question," asked the Parrot. + +"Have yer seen a singed possum?" roared Bill. + +"No, I haven't," said the Parrot, and he actually had the +insolence to laugh in Bill's face. + +"Of all the swivel-eyed, up-jumped, cross-grained, sons of a +cock-eyed tinker," exclaimed Bill, boiling with rage. "If +punching parrots on the beak,wasn't too painful for pleasure, +I'd land you a sockdolager on the muzzle that ud lay you out till +Christmas. Come on, mates," he added, "it's no use wastin' time +over this low-down, hook-nosed, tobacco-grabber. "And leaving the +evil-minded Parrot to pursue his evil-minded way, they hurried off +in search of information. + +The next person they spied was a Bandicoot carrying a watermelon. +At a first glance you would have thought it was merely a watermelon +walking by itself, but a second glance would have shown you that +the walking was being done by a small pair of legs attached to the +watermelon, and a third glance would have disclosed that the legs +were attached to a Bandicoot. + +They shouted, "Hi, you with the melon!" to attract his attention, +and set off running after him, and the Bandicoot, being naturally +of a terrified disposition, ran for all he was worth. He wasn't +worth much as a runner, owing to the weight of the watermelon, +and they caught him up half-way across the field. + +Conceiving that his hour had come, the Bandicoot gave a shrill +squeak of terror and fell on his knees. + +"Take me watermelon," he gasped, "but spare me life." + +"Stuff an' nonsense," said Bill. "We don't want your life. +What we want is some information. Have you seen a singed possum +about this morning?" + +"Singed possums, sir, yes sir, certainly sir," gasped the +Bandicoot, trembling violently. + +"What, exclaimed Bill, "Do yer mean to say you have seen a +singed possum?" + +"Singed possums, sir, yes sir," gulped the Bandicoot. "Very +plentiful, sir, this time of the year, sir, owing to the bush +fires, sir." + +"Rubbish," roared Bill. "I don't believe he's seen a singed +possum at all." + +"No, sir," quavered the Bandicoot. "Certainly not, sir. +Wouldn't think of seeing singed possums if there was any +objection, sir." + +"You're a poltroon," shouted Bill. "You're a slaverin', +quaverin', melon-carryin' nincompoop. There's no more chance +of getting information out of you than out of a terrified Turnip." + +Leaving the Bandicoot to pursue his quavering, melon-humping +existence, they set off again, Bill giving way to some very +despondent expressions. + +"As far as I can see," he said, "if we can't find somethin' +better than stone-deaf hedgehogs, peevish parrots and funkin' +bandicoots we may as well give way to despair." + +Bunyip Bluegum was forced to exert his finest oratory to inspire +them to another frame of mind. "Let it never be said," he +exclaimed, "that the unconquerable hearts of puddin'-owners +quailed before a parrot, a hedgehog, or a bandicoot. + +"Let hedgehogs deaf go delve and dig, + Immune from loudest howl, +Let bandicoots lump melons big, + Let peevish parrots prowl. + +"Shall puddin'-owners bow the head + At such affronts as these? +No, no! March on, by anger led, + Our Puddin' to release. + +"Let courage high resolve inflame + Our captive Pud to free; +Our banner wave, our words proclaim + We march to victory!" + +"Bravely sung," exclaimed Bill, grasping Bunyip Bluegum by the +hand, and they proceeded with expressions of the greatest courage +and determination. + +As a reward for this renewed activity, they got some useful +information from a Rooster who was standing at his front gate +looking up and down the road, and wishing to heaven that somebody +would come along for him to talk to. They got, in fact, a good +deal more information than they asked for, for the Rooster was one +of those fine upstanding, bumptious skites who love to talk all +day, in the heartiest manner, to total strangers while their wives +do the washing. + +"Singed possum," he exclaimed, when they had put the usual +question to him. "Now, what an extraordinary thing that you +should come along and ask me that question. What an astounding +and incredible thing that you should actually use the word `singed' +in connection with the word `possum.' Though mind you, the word I +had in my mind was not 'singed,' but `burning.' And not `possum' +but `feathers.' Now, I'll tell you why. Only this morning, as +I was standing here, I said to myself "somebody's been burning +feathers." I called out at once to the wife--fine woman, the wife, +you'll meet her presently--"Have you been burning feathers?" "No" +says she. "Well," said I, "If you haven't been burning feathers, +somebody else has." At the very moment that I'm repeating the word +"feathers" and "burning" you come along and repeat the words "singed" +and "possum." Instantly I call to mind that at the identical moment +that I smelt something burning, I saw a possum passing this very +gate, though whether he happened to be singed or not I didn't +inquire." + +"Which way did he go?" inquired Bill excitedly. + +"Now, let me see," said the Rooster. "He went down the road, +turned to the right, gave a jump and a howl, and set off in the +direction of Watkin Wombat's summer residence." + +"The very man we're after," shouted Bill, and bolted off down the +road, followed by the others, without taking any notice of the +Rooster's request to wait a minute and be introduced to the wife. + +"His wife may be all right," said Bill as they ran, "but what +I say is, blow meetin' a bloomin' old Rooster's wife when you +haven't got a year to waste listenin' to a bloomin' old Rooster." + +They followed the Rooster's directions with the utmost rapidity, +and came to a large hollow tree with a door in the side and a +noticeboard nailed up which said, "Watkin Wombat, Esq., Summer +Residence." + +The door was locked, but it was clear that the puddin'-thieves were +inside, because they heard the Possum say peevishly, "You're +eating too much, and here's me, most severely singed, not getting +sufficient," and the Wombat was heard to say "What you want is +soap," but the Possum said angrily, "What I need is immense +quantities of puddin'." + +The avengers drew aside to hold a consultation. + +" What's to be done?" said Bill. " It's no use knockin', because +they'd look through the keyhole and refuse to come out, and, not +bein' burglars, we can't bust the door in. It seems to me that +there's nothin' for it but to give way to despair." + +"Never give way to despair while whiskers can be made from dry +grass," said Bunyip Bluegum, and suiting the action to the word, +he swiftly made a pair of fine moustaches out of dried grass and +stuck them on with wattle gum. "Now, lend me your hat," he said +to Bill, and taking the hat he turned up the brim, dented in the +top, and put it on. "The bag is also required," he said to Sam, +and taking that in his hand and turning his coat inside out, he +stood before them completely disguised. + +"You two," he said, "must remain in hiding behind the tree. You +will hear me knock, accost the ruffians and hold them in conversation. +The moment you hear me exclaim loudly, "Hey, Presto! Pots and Pans," +you will dart out and engage the villains at fisticuffs. The rest +leave to me." + +Waiting till the others were hidden behind the tree, Bunyip rapped +smartly on the door which opened presently, and the Wombat put his +head out cautiously. + +"Have I the extreme pleasure of addressing Watkin Wombat, Esq.?" +inquired Bunyip Bluegum, with a bow. + +Of course, seeing a perfect stranger at the door, the Wombat had +no suspicions, and said at once. "Such is the name of him you see +before you." + +"I have called to see you," said Bunyip, "on a matter of business. +The commodity which I vend is Pootles' Patent Pudding Enlarger, +samples of which I have in the bag. As a guarantee of good faith +we are giving samples of our famous Enlarger away to all well-known +puddin'-owners. The Enlarger, one of the wonders of modern science, +has but to be poured over the puddin', with certain necessary +incantations, and the puddin' will be instantly enlarged to double +its normal size." He took some sugar from the bag and held it up. +"I am now about to hand you some of this wonderful discovery. But," +he added impressively, "the operation of enlarging the puddin' is +a delicate one, and must be performed in the open air. Produce +your puddin', and I will at once apply Pootles' Patent with marvellous +effect." + +"Of course it's understood that no charge is to be made," said the +Possum, hurrying out. + +"No charge whatever," said Bunyip Bluegum. + +So on the principle of always getting something for nothing, as the +Wombat said, Puddin' was brought out and placed on the ground. + +"Now, watch me closely," said Bunyip Bluegum. He sprinkled the +Puddin' with sugar, made several passes with his hands, and +pronounced these words-- + +"Who incantations utters +He generally mutters + His gruesome blasts and bans. +But I, you need not doubt it, +Prefer aloud to shout it, + Hey, Presto! Pots and Pans." + +Out sprang Bill and Sam and set about the Puddin'-thieves like a +pair of windmills, giving them such a clip clap clouting and a flip +flap flouting, that what with being punched and pounded, and +clipped and clapped, they had only enough breath left to give two +shrieks of despair while scrambling back into Watkin Wombat's +Summer Residence, and banging the door behind them. The three +friends had Puddin' secured in no time, and shook hands all round, +congratulating Bunyip Bluegum on the success of his plan. + +"Your noble actin'," said Bill, "has saved our Puddin's life." + +"Them Puddin'-thieves," said Sam, "was children in your hands." + +"We hear you," sang out the Possum, and the Wombat added, "Oh, +what deceit! " + +"Enough of you two," shouted Bill. "If we catch you sneakin' +after our Puddin' again, you'll get such a beltin' that you'll +wish you was vegetarians. And now," said he, "for a glorious +reunion round the camp fire." + +And a glorious reunion they had, tucking into hot steak-and-kidney +puddin' and boiled jam roll, which, after the exertions of the +day, went down, as Bill said, "Grand." + +"If them Puddin'-thieves ain't sufferin' the agonies of despair +at this very moment, I'll eat my hat along with the Puddin'," +said Bill, exultantly. + +"Indeed," said Bunyip Bluegum, "the consciousness that our +enemies are deservedly the victims of acute mental and physical +anguish, imparts, it must be admitted, an additional flavour to +the admirable Puddin'." + +"Well spoken," said Bill, admiringly. "Which I will say, that +for turning off a few well-chosen words no parson in the land is +the equal of yourself." + +"Your health!" said Bunyip Bluegum. + +The singing that evening was particularly loud and prolonged, +owing to the satisfaction they all felt at the recovery of their +beloved Puddin'. The Puddin', who had got the sulks over Sam's +remark that fifteen goes of steak and kidney were enough for any +self-respecting man, protested against the singing, which, he said, +disturbed his gravy. "`More eating and less noise,' is my +motto," he said, and he called Bill a leather-headed old barrel +organ for reproving him. + +"Albert is a spoilt child, I fear," said Bill, shoving him into +the bag to keep him quiet, and without more ado, led off with-- + +"Ho! aboard the Salt Junk Sarah, + Rollin' home around the Horn, +The Bo'sun pulls the Captain's nose + For treatin' him with scorn. + +"Rollin' home, rollin' home, +Rollin' home across the foam. +The Bo'sun goes with thumps and blows +The whole way rollin' home. + +"But," said Bill to Bunyip Bluegum, after about fifteen verses of +the 'Salt Junk Sarah', "the superior skill, ingenuity an' darin' +with which you bested them Puddin'-snatchers reminds me of a +similar incident in Sam's youth, which I will now sing you. The +incident, though similar as regards courage an' darin', is totally +different in regard to everythin' else, and is entitled-- + + +THE PENGUIN'S BRIDE + +"'Twas on the "Saucy Soup Tureen", + That Sam was foremast hand, +When on the quarter-deck was see +A maiding fit to be a Queen + With her old Uncle stand. + +"And Sam he chewed salt junk all + Day with grief forlorn, +Because the Hearl of Buncle, +The lovely maiding's Uncle, + Regarded him with scorn. + +"And Sam at once was sunk all + In passion deep and grand, +But this here aged Uncle +He was the Hearl of Buncle + And Sam a foremast hand. + +"When sailin' by Barbado, + The Saucy Soup Tureen, +Before she could be stayed-O +Went down in a tornado, + And never more was seen. + +"The passengers were sunk all + Beneath the ragin' wave, +The maiding and her Uncle, +The Noble Hearl of Buncle, +Were saved by Sam the Brave. + +"He saved the Noble Buncle + By divin' off the poop. +The maiding in a funk all +He saved along with Uncle + Upon a chicken coop. + +"And this here niece of Buncle, + When they got safe to land, +For havin' saved her Uncle, +The Noble Hearl of Buncle, + She offered Sam her hand. + +"And that old Uncle Buncle, + For joy of his release, +On burgundy got drunk all +Day in Castle Buncle, + Which hastened his decease. + +"The lovely maiding Buncle + Inherited the land; +And, now her aged Uncle +Has gone, the Hearl of Buncle + Is Sam, the foremast hand." + +"Of course," said Sam modestly, "the song goes too far in sayin' +as how I married the Hearl's niece, because, for one thing, I ain't +a marryin' man, and for another thing, what she really sez to me +when we got to land was, "You're a noble feller, an' here's five +shillin's for you, and any time you happen to be round our way, +just give a ring at the servant's bell, and there'll always be a +feed waitin' for you in the kitchen." However, you've got to have +songs to fill in the time with, and when a feller's got a rotten +word like Buncle to find rhymes for, there's no sayin' how a +song'll end." + +"The exigencies of rhyme," said Bunyip Bluegum, "may stand excused +from a too strict insistence on verisimilitude, so that the general +gaiety is thereby promoted. And now," he added, "before retiring +to rest, let us all join in song," and grasping each other's hands +they loudly sang-- + + +THE PUDDIN'-OWNERS' EVENSONG + +"Let feeble feeders stoop +To plates of oyster soup. + Let pap engage + The gums of age +And appetites that droop; + We much prefer to chew + A steak-and-kidney stew. + +"We scorn digestive pills; +Give us the food that fills; + Who bravely stuff + Themselves with Duff, +May laugh at Doctors' bills. + For medicine, partake + Of kidney, stewed with steak. + +"Let yokels coarse appease +Their appetites with cheese. + Let women dream + Of cakes and cream, +We scorn fal-lals like these; + Our sterner sex extols + The joy of boiled jam rolls. + +"Then plight our faith anew +Three puddin'-owners true, + Who boldly claim + In Friendship's name +The noble Irish stoo, +Hurrah, Hurrah, Hurroo!" + + + +SLICE THREE + + +"After our experience of yesterday," said Bill Barnacle as the +company of Puddin'-owners set off along the road with their +Puddin', "we shall have to be particularly careful. For what +with low puddin' thieves disguisin' themselves as firemen, and +low Wombats sneakin' our Puddin' while we're helpin' to put out +fires, not to speak of all the worry and bother of tryin' to get +information out of parrots an' bandicoots an' hedgehogs, why, +it's enough to make a man suspect his own grandfather of bein' +a puddin'-snatcher." + +"As for me," said Sam Sawnoff, practising boxing attitudes as he +walked along. "I feel like laying out the first man we meet on +the off-chance of his being a puddin'-thief." + +"Indeed," observed Bunyip Bluegum, "to have one's noblest +feelings outraged by reposing a too great trust in unworthy +people, is to end by regarding all humanity with an equal +suspicion." + +"If you ask my opinion," said the Puddin' cynically, "them +puddin'-thieves are too clever for you; and what's more, they're +better eaters than you. Why," said the Puddin', sneering at Bill, +"I'll back one puddin'-thief to eat more in a given time than +three Puddin'owners put together." + +"These are very treacherous sentiments, Albert," said Bill, +sternly. "These are very ignoble and shameless words," but the +Puddin' merely laughed scornfully, and called Bill a bun-headed +old beetle-crusher. + +"Very well," said Bill, enraged, "we shall see if a low puddin' +thief is better than a noble Puddin'-owner. When you see the +terrible suspicions I shall indulge in to-day you'll regret +them words." + +To prove his words Bill insisted on closely inspecting everybody +he met, in case they should be puddin'-thieves in disguise. + +To start off with, they had an unpleasant scene with a Kookaburra, +a low larrikin who resented the way that Bill examined him. + +"Who are you starin' at, Poodle's Whiskers?" he asked. + +"Never mind," said Bill. "I'm starin' at you for a good an' +sufficient reason." + +"Are yer? " said the Kookaburra. "Well, all I can say is that +if yer don't take yer dial outer the road I'll bloomin' well take +an' bounce a gibber off yer crust," and he followed them for quite +a long way, singing out insulting things such as, "You with the +wire whiskers," and "Get onter the bloke with the face fringe." + +Bill, of course, treated this conduct with silent contempt. It was +his rule through life, he said, never to fight people with beaks. + +The next encounter they had was with a Flying-fox who, though not +so vulgar and rude as the Kookaburra was equally enraged because, +as Bill had suspicions that he was the Possum disguised, he +insisted on measuring him to see if he was the same length. + +"Nice goings on, indeed," said the Flying-fox, while Bill was +measuring him, "if a man can't go about his business without being +measured by total strangers. A nice thing, indeed, to happen to +Finglebury Flying-fox, the well-known and respected fruit stealer." + +However, he was found to be six inches too short, so they let him +go, and he hurried off, saying, "I shall have the Law on you for +this, measuring a man in a public place without being licensed as a +tailor." + +The third disturbance due to Bill's suspicions occurred while +Bunyip Bluegum was in a grocer's shop. They had run out of tea +and sugar, and happening to pass through the town of Bungledoo took +the opportunity of laying in a fresh supply. If Bunyip hadn't +been in the shop, as was pointed out afterwards, the trouble +wouldn't have occurred. The first he heard of it was a scream of +"Help, help, murder is being done!" and rushing out of the shop, +what was his amazement to see no less a person than his Uncle +Wattleberry bounding and plunging about the road with Bill hanging +on to his whiskers, and Sam hanging on to one leg. + +"I've got him," shouted Bill. "Catch a holt of his other leg and +give me a chance to get his whiskers off." + +"But why are you taking his whiskers off?" inquired Bunyip +Bluegum. + +"Because they're stuck on with glue," shouted Bill. "I saw it +at a glance. It's Watkin Wombat, Esquire, disguised as a company +promoter." + +"Dear me," said Bunyip, hurriedly, "you are making a mistake. +This is not a puddin'-thief, this is an Uncle." + +"A what?" exclaimed Bill, letting go the whiskers. "An Uncle," +replied Bunyip Bluegum. + +"An Uncle," roared Uncle Wattleberry. "An Uncle of the highest +integrity. You have most disgracefully and unmercifully pulled +an Uncle's whiskers." + +"I can assure you," said Bill, "I pulled them under the delusion +that you was a disguised Wombat." + +"That is no excuse, sir," bellowed Uncle Wattleberry. "No one +but an unmitigated ruffian would pull an Uncle's whiskers. + +"Who but the basest scoundrel, double-dyed, +Would pluck an Uncle's whiskers in their pride, +What baseness, then, doth such a man disclose +Who'd raise a hand to pluck an Uncle's nose?" + +"If I've gone too far," said Bill, "I apologize. If I'd known +you was an Uncle I wouldn't have done it." + +"Apologies are totally inadequate," shouted Uncle Wattleberry. +"Nothing short of felling you to the earth with an umbrella could +possibly atone for the outrage. You are a danger to the whisker +growing public. You have knocked my hat off, pulled my whiskers, +and tried to remove my nose." + +"Pullin' your nose," said Bill, solemnly, "is a mistake any man +might make, for I put it to all present, as man to man, if that +nose don't look as if it's only gummed on." + +All present were forced to admit that it was a mistake that any +man might make. "Any man," as Sam remarked, "would think he was +doing you a kindness by trying to pull it off." + +"Allow me to point out also, my dear Uncle," said Bunyip Bluegum, +"that your whiskers were responsible for this seeming outrage. +Let your anger, then, be assuaged by the consciousness that you +are the victim, not of malice, but of the misfortune of wearing +whiskers." + +"How now," exclaimed Uncle Wattleberry. "My nephew Bunyip among +these sacrilegious whisker-pluckers and nose-pullers. My nephew, +not only aiding and abetting these ruffians, but seeking to +palliate their crimes! This is too much. My feelings are such +that nothing but bounding and plunging can relieve them." + +And thereupon did Uncle Wattleberry proceed to bound and plunge +with the greatest activity, shouting all the while + +"You need not think I bound and plunge + Like this in festive mood. +I bound that bounding may expunge + The thought of insult rude. + +"An Uncle's rage must seek relief, + His anger must be drowned; +It is to soothe an Uncle's grief + That thus I plunge and bound. + +"I bound and plunge, I seethe with rage, + My mighty anger seeks +So much relief that I engage + To plunge and bound for weeks." + +Seeing that there was no possibility of inducing Uncle Wattleberry +to look at the affair in a reasonable light, they walked off and +left him to continue his bounding and plunging for the amusement +of the people of Bungledoo, who brought their chairs out on to the +footpath in order to enjoy the sight at their ease. Bill's +intention to regard everybody he met with suspicion was somewhat +damped by this mistake, and he said there ought to be a law to +prevent a man going about looking as if he was a disguised +puddin'-thief. + +The most annoying part of it all was that when the puddin' thieves +did make their appearance they weren't disguised at all. They +were dressed as common ordinary puddin'-thieves, save that the +Possum carried a bran bag in his hand and the Wombat waved a white +flag. + +"Well, if this isn't too bad," shouted Bill, enraged. "What +d'you mean, comin' along in this unexpected way without bein' +disguised?" + +"No, no," sang out the Possum. "No disguises to-day." + +"No fighting, either," said the Wombat. + +"No disguises, no fighting, and no puddin'-stealing," said the +Possum. "Nothing but the fairest and most honourable dealings." + +"If you ain't after our Puddin', what are you after?" demanded +Bill. + +"We're after bringing you a present in this bag," said the Possum. + +"Absurd," said Bill. "Puddin'-thieves don't give presents away." + +"Don't say that, Bill," said the Possum, solemnly. "If you only +knew what noble intentions we have, you'd be ashamed of them +words." + +"You'd blush to hear your voice a-utterin' of them," said +the Wombat. + +"I can't make this out at all," said Bill, scratching his head. +"The idea of a puddin'-thief offering a man a present dumbfounds me, +as the saying goes." + +"No harm is intended," said the Possum, and the Wombat added: +"Harm is as far from our thoughts as from the thoughts of angels." + +"Well, well," said Bill, at length. "I'll just glance at it +first, to see what it's like." + +But the Possum shook his head. "No, no, Bill," he said, "no +glancing," and the Wombat added: "To prove that no deception is +intended, all heads must look in the bag together." + +"What's to be done about this astoundin' predicament?" said Bill. +"If there is a present, of course we may as well have it. +If there ain't a present, of course we shall simply have to punch +their snouts as usual." + +"One must confess," said Bunyip Bluegum, "to the prompting of a +certain curiosity as to the nature of this present;" and Sam +added, "Anyway, there's no harm in having a look at it." + +"No harm whatever," said the Possum, and he held the bag open +invitingly. The Puddin'-owners hesitated a moment, but the +temptation was too strong, and they all looked in together. It +was a fatal act. The Possum whipped the bag over their heads, the +Wombat whipped a rope round the bag, and there they were, +helpless. + +The worst of it was that the Puddin', being too short to look in, +was left outside, and the puddin'-thieves grabbed him at once and +ran off like winking. To add to the Puddin'-owners' discomfiture +there was a considerable amount of bran in the bag; and, as Bill +said afterwards, if there's anything worse than losing a valuable +Puddin', it's bran in the whiskers. They bounded and plunged +about, but soon had to stop that on account of treading on each +others toes-especially Sam's, who endured agonies, having no boots +on. + +"What a frightful calamity," groaned Bill, giving way to despair. +"It's worse than being chased by natives on the Limpopo River," +said Sam. + +"It's worse than fighting Arabs single-handed," croaked Bill. + +"It's almost as bad as being pecked on the head by eagles," said +Sam, and in despair they sang in muffled tones + +"O what a fearful fate it is, + O what a frightful fag, +To have to walk about like this + All tied up in a bag. + +"Our noble confidence has sent + Us on this fearful jag; +In noble confidence we bent + To look inside this bag. + +"Deprived of air, in dark despair + Upon our way we drag; +Condemned for evermore to wear + This frightful, fearsome bag." + +Bunyip Bluegum reproved this faint-heartedness, saying, "As our +misfortunes are due to exhibiting too great a trust in scoundrels, +so let us bear them with the greater fortitude. As in innocence we +fell, so let our conduct in this hour of dire extremity be guided +by the courageous endurance of men whose consciences are free from +guilt." + +These fine words greatly stimulated the others, and they endured +with fortitude walking on Sam's feet for an hour-and-a-half, when +the sound of footsteps apprised them that a traveller was +approaching. + +This traveller was a grave, elderly dog named Benjimen Brandysnap, +who was going to market with eggs. Seeing three people walking in +a bag he naturally supposed they were practising for the sports, +but on hearing their appeals for help he very kindly undid the +rope. + +"Preserver," exclaimed Bill, grasping him by the hand. "Noble +being," said Sam. + +"Guardian angel of oppressed Puddin'-owners," said Bunyip Bluegum. + +Benjimen was quite overcome by these expressions of esteem, and +handed round eggs, which were eaten on the spot. + +"And now," said Bill, again shaking hands with their preserver," +I am about to ask you a most important question. Have you seen +any puddin'-thieves about this mornin'?" + +"Puddin'-thieves, "said Benjimen. "Let me see. Now that you +mention it, I remember seeing two puddin'-thieves at nine-thirty +this morning. But they weren't stealing puddin's. They were +engaged stealing a bag out of my stable. I was busy at the time +whistling to the carrots, or I'd have stopped them." + +"This is most important information," said Bill. "It proves this +must be the very bag they stole. In what direction did the +scoundrels go, friend, after stealing your bag?" + +"As I was engaged at the moment feeding the parsnips, I didn't +happen to notice," said Benjimen. "But at this season puddin' +thieves generally go south-east, owing to the price of onions." + +"In that case," said Bill, "we shall take a course north-west, +for it's my belief that havin' stolen our Puddin' they'll make +back to winter quarters." + +"We will pursue to the north-west with the utmost vigour," said +Bunyip. + +"Swearin' never to give in till revenge has been inflicted and +our Puddin' restored to us," said Bill. + +"In order to exacerbate our just anger," said Bunyip Bluegum, +"let us sing as we go-- + +THE PUDDIN'-OWNERS' QUEST + +"On a terrible quest we run north-west, + In a terrible rage we run; +With never a rest we run north-west + Till our terrible work is done. + Without delay + Away, away, +In a terrible rage we run all day. + +"By our terrible zest you've doubtless guessed + That vengeance is our work; +For we seek the nest with terrible zest + Where the puddin'-snatchers lurk. + With rage, with gloom, + With fret and fume, +We seek the puddin'-snatchers' doom." + +They ran north-west for two hours without seeing a sign of the +Puddin'-thieves. Benjimen ran with them to exact revenge for the +theft of his bag. It was hot work running, and having no Puddin' +they couldn't have lunch, but Benjimen very generously handed +eggs all round again. + +"Eggs is all very well," said Bill, eating them in despair, +"but they don't come up to Puddin' as a regular diet, and all I +can say is, that if that Puddin' ain't restored soon I shall go +mad with grief." + +"I shall go mad with rage," said Sam, and they both sang loudly-- + +"Go mad with grief or mad with rage, + It doesn't matter whether; +Our Puddin's left this earthly stage, +So in despair we must engage + To both go mad together." + +"I have a suggestion to make," said Bunyip Bluegum, "which will +at once restore your wonted good-humour. Observe me." + +He looked about till he found a piece of board, and wrote this +notice on it with his fountain pen-- + + A GRAND PROCESSION OF +THE AMALGAMATED SOCIETY OF + PUDDINGS WILL PASS HERE + AT 2.30 TO-DAY. + +This he hung on a tree. "Now," said he, "all that remains to be +done is to hide behind this bush. The news of the procession will +spread like wildfire through the district, and the puddin'-thieves, +unable to resist such a spectacle, will come hurrying to view the +procession. The rest will be simply a matter of springing out on +them like lions." + +"Superbly reasoned," said Bill, grasping Bunyip by the hand. +They all hid behind the bush, and a Crow, who happened to be +passing, read the sign and flew off at once to spread the news +through the district. + +In fifteen minutes, by Bill's watch, the puddin'-thieves came +running down the road, and took up a position on a stump to watch +the procession. They had evidently been disturbed in the very +act of eating Puddin', for the Possum was still masticating a +mouthful; and the Wombat had stuck the Puddin' in his hat, and +put his hat on his head, which clearly roved him to be a very +ill-bred fellow, for in good society wearing puddin's on the head +is hardly ever done. + +Bill and Sam, who were like bloodhounds straining in the leash, +sprang out and confronted the scoundrels, while Bunyip and Ben got +behind in order to cut off their retreat. + +"We've got you at last," said Bill, sparring up at the Possum with +the fiercest activity. "Out with our Puddin', or prepare for a +punch on the snout." + +The Possum turned pale and the Wombat hastily got behind him. + +"Puddin'," said the Possum, acting amazement, "what strange request +is this?" + +"What means this strange request?" asked the Wombat. + +"No bungfoodlin'," said Bill, sternly. "Produce the Puddin' or +prepare for death." + +"Before bringing accusations," said the Possum, "prove where the +Puddin' is." + +"It's under that feller's hat," roared Bill, pointing at the +Wombat. + +"Prove it," said the Wombat. + +"You can't wear hats that high, without there's Puddin's under +them," said Bill. + +"That's not Puddin's," said the Possum; "that's ventilation. He +wears his hat like that to keep his brain cool." + +"Very well," said Bill. "I call on Ben Brandysnap, as an +independent witness whose bag has been stolen, to prove what's +under that hat." + +Ben put on his spectacles in order to study the Wombat carefully, +and gravely pronounced this judgment-- + +"When you see a hat +Stuck up like that + You remark with some surprise, +`Has he been to a shop, +And bought for his top + A hat of the largest size?' + +" Or else you say, +As you note the way + He wears it like a wreath, +`It cannot be fat +That bulges his hat; + He's got something underneath.' + +"But whether or not +It's a Puddin' he's got + Can only be settled by lifting his pot. +Or by taking a stick, +A stone or a brick, +And hitting him hard on the head with it quick. +If he yells, you hit fat, +If he doesn't, well that + Will prove it's a Puddin' that's under his hat." + +"Now are you satisfied?" asked Bill, and they all shouted-- + +"Hurrah! hurray! + Just listen to that; +He knows the way + To bell the cat. +You'd better obey + His judgment pat, + +Without delay + Remove the hat; + It's tit-for-tat, + We tell you flat, +You'll find it pay + To lift your hat. + +Obey the mandate of our chosen lawyer, +Remove that hat, or else we'll do it faw yer." + +"No, no," said the Possum, shaking his head. "No removing +people's hats. Removing hats is larceny, and you'll get six +months for it." + +"No bashing heads, either," said the Wombat. "That's +manslaughter, and we'll have you hung for it." + +Bill scratched his head. "This is an unforeseen predicament," +he said. "Just mind them puddin'-thieves a minute, Ben, while +we has a word in private." He took Sam and Bunyip aside, and almost +gave way to despair. "What a frightful situation," wailed he. +"We can't unlawfully take a puddin'-thief s hat off, and while it +remains on who's to prove our Puddin's under it? This is one of +the worst things that's happened to Sam and me for years." + +"It's worse than being chased by wart-hogs," said Sam. + +"It's worse than rolling off a cowshed," said Bill. + +"It's worse than wearing soup tureens for hats," said Sam. + +"It's almost as bad as swallowing thistle buttons," said Bill, and +both sang loudly-- + +"It's worse than running in a fright, + Pursued by Polar bears; +It's worse than being caught at night + By lions in their lairs. + +"It's worse than barrel organs when + They play from night till morn; +It's worse than having large-sized men + A-standing on your corn. + +"It's worse than when at midnight you + Tread on a silent cat, +To have a puddin'-snatcher who + Will not remove his hat." + +"All is not yet lost," said Bunyip Bluegum. "Without reverting +to violent measures, I will engage to have the hat removed." + +"You will?" exclaimed Bill, grasping Bunyip by the hand. + +"I will," said Bunyip firmly. "All I ask is that you strike a +dignified attitude in the presence of these scoundrels, and, at +a given word, follow my example." + +They all struck a dignified attitude in front of the +puddin'-thieves, and Bunyip Bluegum, raising his hat, struck +up the National Anthem, the others joining in with superb effect. + +"Hats off in honour to our King," shouted Bill, and off came all +the hats. The puddin'-thieves, of course, were helpless. The +Wombat had to take his hat off, or prove himself disloyal, and +there was Puddin' sitting on his head. + +"Now who's a liar?" shouted Bill, hitting the Possum a swingeing +blow on the snout, while Sam gave the Wombat one of his famous +over-arm flip flaps that knocked all the wind out of him. The +Wombat tried to escape punishment by shouting, "Never strike a +man with a Puddin' on his head;" but, now that their guilt was +proved, Bill and Sam were utterly remorseless, and gave the +puddin'-thieves such a trouncing that their shrieks pierced the +firmament. When this had been done, all hands gave them an extra +thumping in the interests of common morality. Eggs were rubbed in +their hair by Benjimen, and Bill and Sam attended to the beating +and snout-bending, while Bunyip did the reciting. Standing on a +stump, he declaimed-- + +"The blows you feel we do not deal + In common, vulgar thumping; +To higher motives we appeal-- +It is to teach you not to steal, + Your heads we now are bumping. + You need not go on pumping +Appeals for kinder dealing, + We like to watch you jumping, +We like to hear you squealing. + We rather think this thumping +Will take a bit of healing. + We hope these blows upon the nose, + These bended snouts, these tramped-on toes, +These pains that you are feeling +The truth will be revealing +How wrong is puddin'-stealing." + +Then, with great solemnity, he recited the following fine moral +lesson:-- + +"A puddin'-thief, as I've heard tell, + Quite lost to noble feeling, +Spent all his days, and nights as well, + In constant puddin'-stealing. + +"He stole them here, he stole them there, + He knew no moderation; +He stole the coarse, he stole the rare, + He stole without cessation. + +"He stole the steak-and-kidney stew + That housewives in a rage hid; +He stole the infants' Puddin' too, + The Puddin' of the aged. + +"He lived that Puddin's he might lure, + Into his clutches stealthy; +He stole the Puddin' of the poor, + The Puddin' of the wealthy. + +"This evil wight went forth one night + Intent on puddin'-stealing, +When he beheld a hidden light + A secret room revealing. + +"Within he saw a fearful man, + With eyes like coals a-glowing, +Whose frightful whiskers over-ran + His face, like weeds a-blowing ; + +"And there this fearful, frightful man, + A sight to set you quaking, +With pot and pan and curse and ban, + Began a puddin' making. + +"'Twas made of buns and boiling oil, + A carrot and some nails-O! +A lobster's claws, the knobs off doors, + An onion and some snails-O! + +"A pound of fat, an old man rat, + A pint of kerosene-O! +A box of tacks, some cobbler's wax, + Some gum and glycerine-0! + +"Gunpowder too, a hob-nailed shoe, + He stirred into his pottage; +Some Irish stew, a pound of glue, + A high explosive sausage. + +"The deed was done, that frightful one, + With glare of vulture famished, +Blew out the light, and in the night +Gave several howls, and vanished. + +"Our thieving lout, ensconced without, + Came through the window slinking; +He grabbed the pot and on the spot + Began to eat like winking. + +"He ate the lot, this guzzling sot + Such appetite amazes-- +Until those high explosives wrought +Within his tum a loud report, + And blew him all to blazes. + +"For him who steals ill-gotten meals + Our moral is a good un. +We hope he feels that it reveals + The danger he is stood in +Who steals a high explosive bomb, + Mistaking it for Puddin'." + +The puddin'-thieves wept loudly while this severe rebuke was being +administered, and promised, with sobs, to amend their evil courses, +and in the future to abstain from unlawful puddin'-snatching. + +"Your words," said the Possum, "has pierced our brains with +horror and remorse;" and the Wombat added: "From this time +onwards our thoughts will be as far removed from Puddin' as +is the thoughts of angels." + +"We have heard that before," said Bunyip Bluegum; "but let us +hope that this time your repentance is sincere. Let us hope that +the tenderness of your snouts will be, if I may be permitted a +flight of poetic fancy, a guiding star to lure your steps along the +path of virtue-- + +"For he who finds his evil course is ended +By having of his snout severely bended, +Along that path of virtue may be sent +Where virtuous snouts are seldom ever bent." + +With that the puddin'-thieves went over the hill, the sun went down +and evening arrived, punctual to the minute. + +"Ah," said Bill, "it's a very fortunate thing that evenin's come +along at this time, for, if it hadn't, we couldn't have waited +dinner any longer. But, before preparin' for a night of gaiety, +dance, and song, I have a proposal to put before my feller +Puddin'-owners. I propose to invite our friend Ben here to join +us round the camp fire. He has proved himself a very decent feller, +free with his eggs, and as full of revenge against puddin'-thieves +as ourselves." + +"Hospitably spoken," said Bunyip Bluegum, and the Puddin'owners +sang== + +"Come join us we intreat, + Come join us we implore, +In Friendship's name our guest we claim, +And Friendship's name is law. + +"We've Puddin' here a treat, + We've Puddin' here galore; +Do not decline to stay and dine, + Our Puddin' you'll adore. + +"Our Puddin', we repeat, +You really cannot beat, + And here are we its owners three +Who graciously intreat + You'll be at our request, + The Puddin'-owners' guest." + +"For these sentiments of esteem, admiration, and respect," said Ben, +"I thank you. As one market gardener to three Puddin'-owners, +I may say I wouldn't wish to eat the Puddin' of three finer fellers +than yourselves." + +With this cordial understanding they set about preparing the camp +fire, and the heartiest expressions of friendship were indulged in +while the Puddin' was being passed round. As Bunyip aptly remarked: + +"All Fortune's buffets he can surely pardon her, +Who claims as guest our courteous Market Gardener." + +To which Benjimen handsomely replied-- + +"Still happier he, who meets three Puddin'-owners, +Whose Puddin' is the equal of its donors." + +And, indeed, a very pleasant evening they had round the camp +fire. + + + +FOURTH SLICE + + +"This is what I call satisfactory," said Bill, as they sat at +breakfast next morning. "It's a great relief to the mind to know +that them puddin'-thieves is sufferin' the agonies of remorse, and +that our Puddin' is safe from bein' stolen every ten minutes." + +"You're a bun-headed old optimist," said the Puddin' rudely. +"Puddin'-thieves never suffer from remorse. They only suffer +from blighted hopes and suppressed activity." + +"Have you no trust in human nature, Albert?" asked Bill, +sternly. "Don't you know that nothin' gives a man greater +remorse than havin' his face punched, his toes trod on, and eggs +rubbed in his hair?" + +"I have grave doubts myself," said Bunyip Bluegum, "as to the +sincerity of their repentance; "and Ben Brandysnap said that, +speaking as a market gardener, his experience of carrot catchers, +onion snatchers, pumpkin pouncers, and cabbage grabbers induced him +to hold the opinion that shooting them with pea-rifles was the only +sure way to make them feel remorse. + +In fact as Sam said:-- + +The howls and groans of pain and grief, + The accents of remorse, +Extracted from a puddin'-thief + Are all put on, of course." + +"Then, all I can say is," cried Bill, enraged, "if there's any +more of this business of puddin'-thieves, disguised as firemen, +stealing our Puddin', and puddin'-thieves, not disguised at all, +shovin' bags over our heads, blow me if I don't give up +Puddin'-owning in despair and take to keepin' carrots for a +livin'." + +The Puddin' was so furious at this remark that they were forced +to eat an extra slice all round to pacify him, in spite of which +he called Bill a turnip-headed old carrot-cruncher, and other +insulting names. However, at length they set out on the road, +Bill continuing to air some very despondent remarks. + +"For what is the good of havin' a noble trustin' nature," said +he, "for every low puddin'-thief in the land to take advantage of? +As far as I can see, the only thing to do is to punch every +snout we meet, and chance the odds it belongs to a puddin'-thief." + +"Come," said Bunyip Bluegum, "I see you are not your wonted, +good-humoured self this morning. As a means of promoting the +general gaiety, I call on you to sing "The Salt Junk Sarah" +without delay." + +This was immediately effective, and Bill with the greatest +heartiness roared out: + +"Ho, aboard the Salt Junk Sarah + Rollin' round the ocean wide, +The bo'sun's mate, I grieve to state, + He kissed the bo'sun's bride. + +Rollin' home, rollin' home, +Home across the foam; +The bo'sun rose and punched his nose +And banged him on the dome." + +At about the fifteenth verse they came to the town of Tooraloo, +and that put a stop to the singing, because you can't sing in the +public streets unless you are a musician or a nuisance. The town +of Tooraloo is one of those dozing, snoozing, sausage-shaped places +where all the people who aren't asleep are only half awake, and +where dogs pass away their lives on the footpaths, and you fall +over cows when taking your evening stroll. + +There was a surprise awaiting them at Tooraloo, for the moment they +arrived two persons in bell-toppers and long-tailed coats ran out +from behind a fence and fell flat on their backs in the middle of +the road, yelling "Help, help! thieves and ruffians are at work!" + +The travellers naturally stared with amazement at this peculiar +conduct. The moment the persons in bell-toppers caught sight of +them they sprang up, and striking an attitude expressive of +horror, shouted: + +"Behold the puddin'-thieves!" + +"Behold the what?" exclaimed Bill. + +"Puddin'-thieves," said one of the bell-topperers. "For well you +know that that dear Puddin' in your hand has been stolen from its +parents and guardians which is ourselves." And the other bell- +topperer added, "Deny it not, for with that dear Puddin' in your +hand your guilt is manifest." + +"Well, if this ain't enough to dumbfound a codfish," exclaimed +Bill. "Here's two total strangers, disguised as undertakers, +actually accusin' us of stealin' our own Puddin'. Why, it's +outside the bounds of comprehension!" + +"It's enough to stagger the senses," said Sam. + +"It's enough to daze the mind with horror," said Bill. + +"Come, come," said the bell-topperers, "cease these expressions +of amazement and hand over the stolen Puddin'." + +"What d' yer mean," exclaimed Bill, "by callin' this a stolen +Puddin'? It's a respectable steak-and-kidney, apple-dumplin', +grand digestive Puddin', and any fellers in pot-hats sayin' it's +a stolen Puddin' is scoundrels of the deepest dye." + +"Never use such words to people wearing bell-toppers," said one +of the bell-topperers, and the other added, "With that dear Puddin' +gazing up to heaven, how can you use such words?" + +"All very fine, no doubt," sneered Bill, "but if you ain't +scoundrels of the deepest dye, remove them hats and prove you +ain't afraid to look us in the eye." + +"No, no," said the first bell-topperer. "No removing hats at +present on account of sunstroke, and colds in the head, and +doctor's orders. My doctor said to me only this morning, +'Never remove your hat.' Those were his words. 'Let it be +your rule through life,' he said, 'to keep the head warm, +whatever happens.'" + +"No singing `God save the King,' neither," said the other +belltopperer. "Let your conduct be noble, and never sing the +National Anthem to people wearing bell-toppers." + +"In fact," said the first bell-topperer, "All we say is, Hand +over the Puddin' with a few well-chosen words, and all ill-feeling +will be dropped." + +Bill was so enraged at this suggestion that he dashed his hat on +the ground and kicked it to relieve his feelings. "Law or no +law," he shouted, "I call on all hands to knock them bell-toppers +off." + +All hands made a rush for the bell-topperers, who shouted, "An +Englishman's hat is his castle," and "Top-hats are sacred things;" +but they were overpowered by numbers, and their hats were +snatched off. "THE PUDDIN'-THIEVES!" shouted the company. + +Those bell-toppers had disguised that snooting, snouting scoundrel, +the Possum, and his snoozing, boozing friend the Wombat! There +was an immense uproar over this discovery, Bill and Sam flapping +and snout-bending away at the puddin'-thieves, the puddin'thieves +roaring for mercy. Ben denounced them as bag snatchers, and Bunyip +Bluegum expressed his indignation in a fine burst of oratory, +beginning: + +"Base, indeed, must be those scoundrels, who, lost to all sense of +decency and honour, boldly assume the outward semblance of worthy +citizens, and, by the pretentious nature of their appearance, not +only seek the better to impose upon the noble incredulity of +Puddin'-owners, but, with dastardly cunning, strike a blow at +Society's most sacred emblem-the pot-hat." + +The uproar brought the Mayor of Tooraloo hastening to the scene, +followed by the local constable. The Mayor was a little, fat, +breathless, beetle-shaped man, who hastened with difficulty owing +to his robe of office being trodden on by the Constable, who ran +close behind him in order to finish eating a banana in secret. He +had some more bananas in a paper bag, and his face was one of those +feeble faces that make one think of eggs and carrots and feathers, +if you take my meaning. + +"How now, how now!" shouted the Mayor. "A riot going on here, +a disturbance in the town of Tooraloo. Constable, arrest these +rioters and disturbers." + +"Before going to extremes," said the Constable, in a tremulous +voice, "my advice to you is, read the Riot Act, and so have all +the honour and glory of stopping the riot yourself." + +"Unfortunately," said the Mayor, "in the haste of departure, I +forgot to bring the Riot Act, so there's nothing else for it; you +must have all the honour and glory of quelling it." + +"The trouble is," said the Constable, "that there are far too +manyrioters. One would have been quite sufficient. If there had +been only one small undersized rioter, I should have quelled him +with the utmost severity." + +"Constable," said the Mayor, sternly, "in the name of His Majesty +the King I call on you to arrest these rioters without delay." + +"Look here," said Bill, "you're labourin' under an error. This +ain't a riot at all. This is merely two puddin'-thieves gettin' +a hidin' for tryin' to steal our Puddin'." + +"Puddin'-thieves! " exclaimed the Mayor. "Don't tell me that +puddin'-thieves have come to Tooraloo. + +"It staggers me with pain and grief, + I can't believe it's true, +That we should have a puddin'-thief + Or two in Tooraloo. + +"It is enough to make one dumb + And very pale in hue +To know that puddin'-thieves should come + To sacred Tooraloo. + +"The Law's just anger must appear. + Ho! seize these scoundrels who +Pollute the moral atmosphere + Of rural Tooraloo." + +"We protest against these cruel words," said the Possum. +"We have been assaulted and battered and snout-bended by +ruffians of the worst description." + +"How can Your Worship say such things," said the Wombat, +"and us a-wearin' bell-toppers before your very eyes." + +"If you've been assaulted and battered," said the Mayor, +"we shall have to arrest the assaulters and batterers as well." + +"What's fair to one is fair to all," said the Constable. +"You'll admit that, of course?" he added to Bill. + +"I admit nothin' of the sort," said Bill. "If you want to +arrest anybody, do your duty and arrest these here +puddin'-snatchers. + +"If you're an officer of the Law, + A constant felon-catcher, +Then do not hesitate before + A common puddin'-snatcher." + +"We call on you to arrest these assaulters and batterers of people +wearing top-hats," said the puddin'-thieves; + +"Our innocence let all attest, + We prove it by our hatter; +It is your duty to arrest +Not those in top-hats of the best, + But those who top-hats batter." + +"It's very clear that somebody has to be arrested," said the +Mayor. "I can't be put to the trouble of wearing my robes of +office in public without somebody having to pay for it. I don't +care whether you arrest the top-hat batterers, or the battered +top-hatterers; all I say is, do your duty, whatever happens-- + +"So somebody, no matter who, + You must arrest or rue it; +As I'm the Mayor of Tooraloo, +And you've the painful job to do, + I call on you to do it." + +"Very well," said the Constable, peevishly, "as I've got to take +all the responsibility, I'll settle the matter by arresting the +Puddin'. As far as I can see, he's the ringleader in this +disturbance." + +"You're a carrot-nosed poltroon," said the Puddin' loudly. "As +for the Mayor, he's a sausage-shaped porous plaster," and he gave +him a sharp pinch in the leg. + +"What a ferocious Puddin'," said the Mayor, turning as pale as a +turnip. "Officer, do your duty and arrest this dangerous felon +before he perpetrates further sacrilegious acts." + +"That's all very well, you know," said the Constable, turning as +pale as tripe; "but he might nip me." + +"I can't help that," cried the Mayor, angrily. "At all costs I +must be protected from danger. Do your duty and arrest this felon +with your hat." + +The Constable looked around, gasped, and, summoning all his +courage, scooped up the Puddin' in his hat. + +"My word," he said, breathlessly, "but that was a narrow squeak. +I expected every moment to be my last." + +"Now we breathe more freely," said the Mayor, and led the way +to the Tooraloo Court House. + +"If this isn't too bad," said Bill, furiously. "Here we've had +all the worry and trouble of fightin' puddin'-thieves night and +day, and, on top of it all, here's this Tooralooral tadpole of a +Mayor shovin' his nose into the business and arrestin' our +Puddin' without rhyme or reason." + +As they had arrived at the Court House at that moment, Bill was +forced to smother his resentment for the time being. There was +nobody in Court except the Judge and the Usher, who were seated on +the bench having a quiet game of cards over a bottle of port. + +"Order in the Court," shouted the Usher, as they all came +crowding in; and the Judge, seeing the Constable carrying the +Puddin' in his hat, said severely: + +"This won't do, you know; it's Contempt of Court, bringing your +lunch here." + +"An' it please you, My Lord," said the Constable hurriedly, +"this here Puddin' has been arrested for pinching the Mayor." + +"As a consequence of which, I see you've pinched the Puddin'," +said the Judge facetiously. "Dear me, what spirits I am in +to-day, to be sure!" + +"The felon has an aroma most dangerously suggestive of beef +gravy," said the Usher, solemnly. + +"Beef gravy?" said the Judge. "Now, it seems to me that the +aroma is much more subtly suggestive of steak and kidney." + +"Garnished, I think, with onions," said the Usher. + +"In order to settle this knotty point, just hand the felon up +here a moment," said the Judge. "I don't suppose you've got a +knife about you?" he asked. + +"I've got a paper-knife," said the Usher; and, the Puddin' +having been handed up to the bench, the Judge and the Usher +cut a slice each, and had another glass of port. + +Bill was naturally enraged at seeing total strangers eating +Puddin'owners' private property, and he called out loudly: + +"Common justice and the lawful rights of Puddin'-owners." + +"Silence in the Court while the Judge is eating," shouted the +Usher; and the Judge said severely: + +"I really think you ought + To see I'm taking food, +So, Silence in the Court! +(I'm also taking port), + If you intrude, in manner rude, +A lesson you'll be taught." + +"An' it please Your Lordship," said the Mayor, pointing to Bill, +"this person is a brutal assaulter of people wearing top-hats." + +"No insults," said Bill, and he gave the Mayor a slap in the face. + +The Mayor went as pale as cheese, and the Usher called out: "No +face-slapping while the Judge is dining!" and the Judge said, +angrily: + +"It's really far from nice, + As you ought to be aware, +While I am chewing a slice, + To have you slapping the Mayor. +If I have to complain of you again + I'll commit you in a trice, + You'd better take my advice; + Don't let me warn you twice." + +"All very well for you to talk," said Bill, scornfully, "sittin' +up there eatin' our Puddin'. I'm a respectable Puddin'-owner, +an' I calls on you to hand over that Puddin' under threat of an +action-at-law for wrongful imprisonment, trespass, and illegally +using the same." + +"Personal remarks to the Judge are not allowed," shouted the +Usher, and the Judge said solemnly: + +"A Judge must be respected, + A Judge you mustn't knock, +Or else you'll be detected + And shoved into the dock. + You'll get a nasty shock + When gaolers turn the lock. +In prison cell you'll give a yell + To hear the hangman knock." + +Here, the Usher took off his coat, as the day was warm, and hung +it on the back of his chair. He then rapped on the bench and said: + +"In the name of the Law I must request +Less noise while we're having a well-earned rest. +For the Judge and the Usher never must shirk +A well-earned rest in the middle of work. +It's the duty of both they are well aware +To preserve their precious lives with care; +It's their duty, when feeling overwrought, +To preserve their lives with Puddin' and Port." + +He sat down and tossed off a bumper of port to prove his words. +"Your deal, I think," said the Judge, and they went on sipping +and munching and dealing out cards. At this, Bill gave way to +despair. + +"What on earth's to be done?" he asked. "Here's these legal +ferrets has got our Puddin' in their clutches, and here's us, +spellbound with anguish, watchin' them wolfin' it. Here's a +situation as would wring groans from the breast of a boiled onion." + +"Why it's worse than droppin' soverins down a drain," said Sam. + +"It's worse than catchin' your whiskers in the mangle," said Bill. +By a fortunate chance, at this moment the Possum happened to put +his snout within Bill's reach, and Bill hit it a swingeing clout +to relieve his feelings. + +"It's unlawful," shouted the Possum, "to hit a man's snout +unexpectedly when he isn't engaged puddin'-stealing." + +"Observe the rules," said the Wombat solemnly. "Be kind to +snouts when not engaged in theft." + +"If it hadn't been for you two tryin' to steal our Puddin' all +this trouble wouldn't have happened," said Bill. + +"It's the Mayor's fault for bringing us all here," cried the +Possum, angrily. "If you was a just man, you'd clout him on +the snout, too." + +"The Mayor's to blame," said the Wombat. "What about the whole +lot of us settin' on to him?" + +At this suggestion the Mayor trembled so violently that his hat +fell off. + +"What dreadful words are these?" he asked, and the Constable +said hurriedly, "Never set on to the Mayor while the local +Constable is present. Let that be your golden rule." + +"That's all very well," said Bill, "but if you two hadn't come +interferin' at the wrong moment, our Puddin' wouldn't have been +arrested, and all this trouble wouldn't have happened. As you're +responsible, the question now is, What are you going to do about it?" + +"My advice is," said the Constable, impressively, "resign +yourselves to Fate." + +"My advice," said the Mayor in a low voice, "is general +expressions of esteem and friendship, hand-shaking all round, +inquiries after each other's health, chatty remarks about the +weather, the price of potatoes, and how well the onions are +looking." + +Bill treated these suggestions with scorn. "If any man in the +company has better advice to offer, let him stand forth," said he. + +Bunyip Bluegum stood forth. "My advice," he said, "is this: try +the case without the Judge; or, in other words, assume the legal +functions of this defaulting personage in the bag-wig who is at +present engaged in distending himself illegally with our Puddin'. +For mark how runs the axiom: + +"If you've a case without a Judge, +It's clear your case will never budge; +But if a Judge you have to face, +The chances are you'll lose your case. +To win your case, and save your pelf, +Why, try the blooming case yourself! " + +"As usual, our friend here solves the problem in a few well-chosen +words," said Bill, and preparations were made at once for trying +the case. After a sharp struggle, in which it was found necessary +to bend the Possum's snout severely in order to make him listen to +reason, the puddin'-thieves were forced into the dock. Their +top-hats and frockcoats were taken away, for fear the jury might +take them for undertakers, and not scoundrels. The Mayor and the +Constable were pushed into the jury box to perform the duties of +twelve good men and true, and the others took seats about the Court +as witnesses for the prosecution. + +There was some delay before the proceedings began, for Bill said, +"Here's me, the Crown Prosecutor, without a wig. This'll never +do." Fortunately, a wig was found in the Judge's private room, +and Bill put it on with great satisfaction. + +"I'm afraid this is unconstitutional," said the Mayor to the +Constable. + +"It is unconstitutional," said the Constable; "but it's better +than getting a punch on the snout." + +The Mayor turned so pale at this that the Constable had to thrust +a banana into his mouth to restore his courage. + +"Thank you," said the Mayor, peevishly; " but, on the whole, +I prefer to be restored with peeled bananas." + +"Order in the jury box," said Bill, sharply, and the Mayor having +hurriedly bolted his banana, peel and all, proceedings commenced. + +"Gentlemen of the jury," said Bill, "the case before you is one +aboundin' in horror and amazement. Persons of the lowest morals +has disguised themselves in pot-hats in order to decoy a Puddin' +of tender years from his lawful guardians. It is related in the +archives of the Noble Order of Puddin'-Owners that previous to this +dastardly attempt a valuable bag, the property of Sir Benjimen +Brandysnap, had been stolen and the said Puddin'-owners invited +to look at a present inside it. The said bag was then pulled over +their heads, compellin' the Puddin'-owners aforesaid to endure +agonies of partial suffocation, let alone walkin' on each others +corns for several hours. Had not Sir Benjimen, the noble owner, +appeared like a guardian angel and undone the bag, it is doubtful +if Sir Samuel Sawnoff's corns could have stood the strain much +longer, his groans bein' such as would have brought tears to the +eyes of a hard-boiled egg." + +"A very moving story," said the Constable, and the Mayor was so +affected that the Constable had to stuff a banana into his mouth to +prevent him bursting into tears. + +"I now propose to call Sir Benjimen Brandysnap as first witness +for the prosecution," said Bill. "Kindly step into the +witness-box, Sir Benjimen, and relate the circumstances ensuin' on +your bag bein' stole." + +Benjimen stepped into the box and, taking a piece of paper from his +egg basket, said solemnly: "I was very busy that morning, Gentlemen +of the jury, owing to the activity of the vegetables, as hereunder +described: + +"On Tuesday morn, as it happened by chance, + The parsnips stormed in a rage, +Because the young carrots were singing like parrots + On top of the onions' cage. + +"The radishes swarmed on the angry air + Around with the bumble bees, +While the brussels-sprouts were pulling the snouts + Of all the young French peas. + +"The artichokes bounded up and down + On top of the pumpkins' heads, +And the cabbage was dancing the highland fling + All over the onion beds. + +"So I hadn't much time, as Your Honour perceives, + For watching the habits of puddin'thieves." + +"Tut, tut, Sir Benjimen," said Bill, "stir up your memory, sir; +cast your eye over them felons in the dock, and tell the Court +how you seen them steal the bag." + +"The fact is," said Benjimen, after studying the puddin'-thieves +carefully, "as they had their backs turned to me when they were +engaged in stealing the bag, I should be able to judge better if +they were turned round." + +"Officer," said Bill to Bunyip Bluegum, "Kindly turn the felons' +backs to the witness." + +The Possum and the Wombat objected, saying there wasn't room enough +in the witness-box to turn round, so it was found necessary to +twist their snouts the opposite way. + +"From this aspect," said Ben, "I have no hesitation in saying +that those are the backs that stole the bags." + +"Make a note of that, Gentlemen of the jury," said Bill, and +the Constable obligingly made a note of it on his banana bag. + +"The identity of the bag-stealers bein' now settled," went on +Bill, "I shall kindly ask Sir Benjimen to step down, and call on +Sir Samuel Sawnoff to ascend the witness-box." + +Sam stepped up cheerfully, but, as the witness-box was the wrong +size for Penguins, they had to hand him a chair to stand on. + +"Now, Sir Samuel," said Bill, impressively, "I am about to ask +you a most important leadin' question. Do you happen to notice +such a thing as a Puddin' in the precinks of the Court?" + +Sam shaded his eyes with his flapper and, seeing the Puddin' on +the bench, started back dramatically. + +"Do my eyes deceive me, or is yon object a Puddin'?" he cried. + +"Well acted," said the Mayor, and the Constable clapped loudly. +"I am now about to ask you another leadin' question," said Bill. +"Do you recognize that Puddin'?" + +"Do I recognize that Puddin'?" cried Sam in thrilling tones. +"That Puddin', sir, is dearer to me than an Uncle. That Puddin', +sir, an' me has registered vows of eternal friendship and esteem. + +"That Puddin', sir, an' me have sailed the seas, +Known tropic suns, and braved the Artic breeze. +We've heard on Popocatepetl's peak +The savage Tom-Tom sharpenin' of his beak. +We've served the dreadful Jim-Jam up on toast, +When shipwrecked off the Coromandel coast, +And when we heard the frightful Bim-Bam rave, +Have plunged beneath the Salonican wave. +We've delved for Bulbuls' eggs on coral strands, +And chased the Pompeydon in distant lands. +That Puddin', sir, and me, has, back to back, +Withstood the fearful Rumty Tums' attack, +And swum the Indian Ocean for our lives, +Pursued by Oysters, armed with oyster knives. +Let me but say, e'er these adventures cloy, +I've knowed that Puddin' since he were a boy." + +"All lies," sang out the Puddin', looking over the rim of his +basin. "For well you know that you and old Bill Barnacle collared +me off Curry and Rice after rollin him off the iceberg." + +"Albert, Albert," said Bill, sternly. "Where's your manners +interruptin' Sir Samuel in that rude way, and him a-performin' +like an actor for your deliverance!" + +" How much longer do you expect me to stay up here, bein' guzzled +by these legal land-crabs?" demanded the Puddin'. + +"You shall stay there, Albert, till the case is well and truly +tried by these here noble Peers of the Realm assembled," said +Bill, impressively. + +"Too much style about you," said the Puddin', rudely, and he threw +the Judge's glass of port into Bill's face, remarking: "Take that, +for being a pumpkin-headed old shellback." + +There was a great uproar over this very illegal act. The Judge +was enraged at losing his port, and the Mayor was filled with +horror because Bill wiped his face on the mayoral hat, Sam had to +feign amazement at being called a liar, and the puddin'-thieves +kept shouting "Time, time; we can't stand here all day." + +In desperation, Bill bawled at the top of his voice: "I call on +Detective Bluegum to restore order in the Court." + +Bunyip ran into the witness-box and, with a ready wit, shouted +I have dreadful news to impart to this honourable Court." + +All eyes, of course, turned on Bunyip, who, raising his hand with +an impressive gesture, said in thrilling tones: "From information +received, it has been discovered that the Puddin' was poisoned at +ten-thirty this morning." + +This news restored order at once. The Judge turned pale as lard, +and the Usher, having a darker complexion, turned as pale as soap. +The Puddin' couldn't turn pale, so he let out a howl of terror. + +"Poisoned," said the Usher, feebly. "How, how?" + +"Poisoned," said the Judge, feeling his stomach with trembling +hands. "Until this moment I was under the delusion that a +somewhat unpleasant sensation of being, as it were, distended, +was merely due to having eaten seven slices. But if--" + +"If," said the Usher, in a quavering voice-- + +"If you take a poisoned Puddin' + And that poisoned Puddin' chew, +The sensations that you suffer + I should rather say were due +To the poison in the Puddin' + In the act of Poisoning You. +And I think the fact suffices + Through this dreadfulest of crimes, +As you've eaten seven slices + You've been poisoned seven times." + +"It was your idea having it up on the bench," said the Judge, +angrily, to the Usher. "Now, + +"If what you say is true, +That idea you'll sadly rue, +The poison I have eaten is entirely due to you. +It's by taking your advice +That I've had my seventh slice, +So I'll tell you what I'll do +You unmitigated Jew, +As a trifling satisfaction, +Why, I'll beat you black and blue," + +and with that he hit the Usher a smart crack on the head with a +port bottle. + +"Don't strike a poisoned man," shouted the Usher; but the Judge +went on smacking and cracking him with the bottle, singing-- + +"The emotion of pity + Need never be sought +In a Judge who's been poisoned + By Puddin' and Port." + +In desperation, the Usher leapt off the Bench, and landed head +first in the dock, where he stuck like a sardine. + +"Too bad, too bad," shouted the puddin'-thieves. "Crowding +in here where there's only room for two." Before they could get +rid of the Usher, the Judge bounded over the bench and commenced +whacking them with the bottle, singing-- + +"As I find great satisfaction + Hitting anybody who +Can offer that distraction, + Why, I'll have a go at you." + +and he went on bounding and whacking away with the bottle, +while the puddin'-thieves kept roaring, and the Usher kept +screaming. The uproar was deafening. + +"Just listen to it," said Bill, in despair. "I'd like to know +how on earth we are going to finish the case with all this +umptydoodle rumpus going on." + +"Why," said Bunyip, "the simpler course is not to finish the case +at all." + +"Solved, as usual," said Bill and, seizing the Puddin' from the +bench, he dashed out of Court, followed by Sam, Ben and Bunyip +Bluegum. + +As they ran, they could hear the Judge still whacking away at +everybody, including the Mayor, and the Constable, whose screams +were piercing. "Indeed," said Bunyip-- + +"I rather think they'll rather rue +The haste with which they sought to sue +Us in the Court of Tooraloo. + For, mark how just is Fate! + +"The whole benighted, blooming crew, +The Puddin'-thieves, the Usher too, +Are being beaten black and blue + With bottles on the pate. + +"I rather think they will eschew, +In future, Puddin'-owners who +Pass through the simple rural view +About the town of Tooraloo." + +"And now," said Bill, when they had run a mile or two beyond the +town, "and now for some brilliant plan, swiftly conceived, which +will put a stop to this Puddin'-snatchin' business for ever. For +the point is," continued Bill, lowering his voice, "here we are +pretty close up to the end of the book, and something will have to +be done in a Tremendous Hurry, or else we'll be cut off short by +the cover." + +"The solution is perfectly simple," said Bunyip. "We have merely +to stop wandering along the road, and the story will stop +wandering through the book. This, too, will baffle the puddin' +thieves, for while we wander along the road, our Puddin' is +exposed to the covetous glances of every passing puddin'-snatcher. +Let us, then, remove to some safe, secluded spot and settle down to +a life of gaiety, dance and song, where no puddin'-thief will dare +to show a sacrilegious head. Let us, in fact, build a house in a +tree. For, mark the advantages of such a habitation-- + +"Up on high +No neighbours pry + In at the window, +On the sly. + +"Up on high +Bricks you shy + At bores and bailiffs +Passing by. + +"Up in a tree +You're always free + From bores and bailiffs, +You'll agree. + +"Up in the leaves +One never grieves + Over the pranks +Of puddin'-thieves. + +"If you would be +Gay and free, + Take my tip and +Live in a tree." + +"We will, we will," shouted the Puddin'-owners; but the Puddin' +said sourly: "This is all very well, all this high falutin'. +But what about the dreadful news of me being poisoned at ten-thirty +this morning?" + +"You ain't poisoned, Albert," said Bill. "That was only a mere +ruse de guerre, as they say in the noosepapers." + + A what?" demanded the Puddin', suspiciously. + +"Let words be sufficient, without explanation," said Bill, +severely. "And as we haven't time to waste talkin' philosophy +to a Puddin', why, into the bag he goes, or we'll never get the +story finished." + +So Puddin' was bundled into the bag, and Bill said, hurriedly +"Brilliant as our friend Bunyip has proved himself with his ready +wit, it remains for old Bill to suggest the brightest idea of all. +Here is our friend Ben, a market gardener of the finest description. +Very well. Why not build our house in his market garden. The +advantages are obvious. Vegetables free of charge the whole year +round, and fruit in season. Eggs to be had for the askin', and a +fine, simple, honest feller like Ben, to chat to of an evening. +What could be more delightful?" + +Ben looked very grave at this proposal, and began: "I very much +doubt whether there will be enough bed clothes for four people, +let alone the carrots are very nervous of strangers--" when Bill +cut him short with a hearty clap on the back. + +"Say no more," said Bill, handsomely. "Rough, good-humoured +fellers like us don't need apologies, or any social fal-lals at +all. We'll take you as we find you. Without more ado, we shall +build a house in your market garden." + +And, without more ado, they did. + +The picture opposite saves the trouble of explaining how they +built it, and what a splendid house it is. In order that the +Puddin' might have plenty of exercise, they made him a little +Puddin' paddock, whence he can shout rude remarks to the people +passing by; a habit, I grieve to state, he is very prone to. + +Of course, at night they pull up the ladder in case a stray +puddin'-thief happens to be prowling around. If a friend calls to +have a quiet chat, or to join in a sing-song round the fire, they +let the ladder down for him. + +And a very pleasant life they lead, sitting of a summer evening +on the balcony while Ben does his little market-garden jobs below, +and the Puddin' throws bits of bark at the cabbages, and pulls +faces at the little pickle onions, in order to make them squeak +with terror. + +On winter nights there is always Puddin' and hot coffee for +supper, and many's the good go-in I've had up there, a-sitting +round the fire. I didn't mean to let on that I knew their address, +on account of so many people wanting to have a go at the Puddin'. +However, it's out now. + +When the wind blows and the rain comes down, it's jolly sitting up +aloft in the snug tree-house, especially when old Bill is in good +form and gives us "The Salt Junk Sarah", with all hands joining in +the chorus. + +"Oh, rolling round the ocean, + From a far and foreign land, +May suit the common notion + That a sailor's life is grand. + +"But as for me, I'd sooner be + A roaring here at home +About the rolling, roaring life + Of them that sails the foam. + +"For the homeward-bounder's chorus, + Which he roars across the foam, +Is all about chucking a sailor's life, + And settling down at home. + +"Home, home, home, +That's the song of them that roam, +The song of the roaring, rolling sea +Is all about rolling home." + + + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, THE MAGIC PUDDING *** + +This file should be named 4910.txt or 4910.zip + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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