diff options
| author | nfenwick <nfenwick@pglaf.org> | 2025-03-03 18:54:39 -0800 |
|---|---|---|
| committer | nfenwick <nfenwick@pglaf.org> | 2025-03-03 18:54:39 -0800 |
| commit | 15468a556b81914c0b463907acb89b5123678122 (patch) | |
| tree | 2f41a0a9d35a4bc4d449a46e32a06fa570fad850 | |
| parent | 03acfe126d9ef15a3d44b05774e25b44af4ad993 (diff) | |
| -rw-r--r-- | 44643-0.txt | 4586 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44643-h.zip | bin | 267984 -> 0 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44643-h/44643-h.htm | 425 |
3 files changed, 4589 insertions, 422 deletions
diff --git a/44643-0.txt b/44643-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..226b9f9 --- /dev/null +++ b/44643-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4586 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44643 *** + + [Illustration: The Funny Bone] + + + + + [Illustration] + + THE FUNNY BONE + + SHORT STORIES AND AMUSING + ANECDOTES FOR A DULL HOUR + + EDITED AND ARRANGED BY + HENRY MARTYN KIEFFER + + Author of "The Recollections of a + Drummer Boy," "It is to Laugh," etc. + + [Illustration: colophon] + + NEW YORK : : : DODGE + PUBLISHING COMPANY + 214-220 East 23d Street + + Copyright, 1910, by + DODGE PUBLISHING COMPANY + + [Illustration: The Funny Bone] + + + + + CONTENTS + + + Page + + A good after-dinner speech 16 + Afternoon teas 174 + Alexander 46 + Almost won the bet 23 + Any port in a storm 34 + Artemus Ward at the theatre 159 + Awful lot of practice, an 135 + Axioms 14 + Bashful bridegroom, a 84 + Boo! 96 + Boomerang stories 113 + Brandied peaches 63 + Business boy, a promising 117 + Chief end of man, the 173 + Clerical corkscrew, a 172 + College trick, a 31 + Colored apostles 94 + Costly dodge, a 164 + Couldn't catch up 47 + Couldn't help crying 164 + Cranky couple, a 69 + Cure for snoring, sure 78 + Deacon balked, the 180 + Delirious 136 + Difference without distinction, a 176 + Disturbing the solemnity 49 + Doing the dons 187 + "Dollars to doughnuts" 66 + Dutch conundrum, a 91 + Eccentric great man, an 138 + Echo, the 54 + Epitaphs, interesting 170 + Exeunt omnes 187 + Extremes meet 60 + Farm accidents 98 + Fast train, a 167 + Finally the worm turned 126 + Fire screen, a 62 + First class 144 + Flank movement, a 102 + Fool according to his folly, a 47 + Forbidden fruit, the 107 + Getting a wife 155 + "God bless our home" 26 + Go to father 169 + Good ear, a 178 + Great country, a 97 + Hard witness, a 118 + He cut it short 100 + He didn't get it in the neck 117 + He warned her 90 + How the young idea shoots 58 + How to catch a mule 58 + Ill-assorted couple 41 + Impossible, but funny 120 + Incorrigible 91 + Inquisitive boy, an 26 + In search of a restaurant 76 + In the class-room 74 + In the way they should go 147 + It wouldn't work 151 + Keen cutters 108 + Keeping a secret 149 + Kickin', a 85 + Knight errant, a 165 + Knightly conundrum, a 176 + Laughed it out of court 57 + Left-handed compliments 139 + Lincoln story, a 18 + Lincoln story, another 19 + Lionized 56 + Literature made easy 77 + Logic is logic 55 + Logic of grammar, the 135 + Lonely place, a 103 + Louder 29 + Mean company, a 131 + Michael Maloney's serenade 15 + Millinerymania 136 + "Mounted?" 64 + Names for the twins 59 + Naming the apostles 109 + Near the end of his journey 95 + Not good looking 101 + No thoroughfare 148 + No water in his 128 + "Old Hoss!" 48 + Old Man Snuckles 75 + On the point of a needle 154 + One place or the other 28 + Other eye, the 149 + Part in the play, his 172 + Pepper-sauce 27 + Poor business location, a 81 + Poor, the 36 + Prayer that was answered, a 25 + Price of a dog, the 104 + Protecting the minister 182 + Punishment made sure 83 + Pure Scotch 124 + Rabbits enough 94 + Raising Cain 129 + Rear guard, the 112 + Rest and a change, a 140 + Right-of-way, the 179 + Rough on the deacon 93 + Rural justice 121 + Same old kind, the 141 + Sanctum, the 156 + Sharp reproof, a 150 + Sharpening their wits 41 + She came to his aid 161 + She dried up 20 + Shrewd selection, a 177 + Shy boarder, the 176 + Slow coach, a 168 + Snolligoster, the 39 + So many bald heads 70 + She spoiled the poetry 171 + Strongest man, the 42 + Stutterers, the 44 + Sudden rise, a 48 + Sure thing, a 133 + Tact and no tact 52 + Tale of a sausage, a 82 + Technique 51 + Temperance a hundred years ago 37 + Thackeray and the oyster 166 + That terrible infant 22 + Three asses, the 73 + Timely answer, a 21 + Too young 80 + Tough goose-yarn, a 142 + Turkey was tame, the 112 + Two polite and spunky boys 67 + Unanimous action 174 + Use of riches 24 + Very good investment, a 34 + Walla Walla! 183 + What the statute did not say 17 + "Who'd 'a' bin 'er?" 147 + Why he was a democrat 125 + Why the Hawkeye man couldn't pay 105 + Why they married 42 + Wicked parrot, the 185 + Wind and water 72 + Wonderful climate, a 99 + Yankees, the-- 38 + + "Laugh and grow fat is a saying of old, + Whether or no 'tis a cause of obesity, + This much I know that the physical man + Laughter demands as a kind of necessity. + Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha! + Laughter demands as a kind of necessity." + --_Old Song._ + + + + + AXIOMS + + +Tew brake a mule--commence at his head. + +In shooting at a deer that looks like a calf, always aim so as to miss +it if it iz a calf, and to hit it if it iz a deer. + +Tew git rid of cock-roaches--sell yure house, and lot, and flee tew the +mountains. + +Tew pick out a good husband--shut up both eyes, grab hard, and trust in +the Lord. + +There ain't nothing that iz a sure kure for laziness, but i hav known a +second wife tew hurry it sum. + +_Josh Billings Allminax._ + + + + + Michael Maloney's Serenade + + + Oh, Nora McCune! + Is it draimin' ye are? + Is it wakin' or shleepin' ye be? + 'Tis the dark of the moon + An' there's niver a star + To watch if ye're peepin' at me. + Throw opin yer blind, shweet love, if ye're there; + An' if ye are not, plaze be shpakin'; + An' if ye're inclined, ye might bring yer guitah, + An' help me, me darlint to wakin'. + + I am lonely! Ahone! + An' I'm Michael Maloney, + Awakin' shweet Nora McCune. + For, love, I'm alone, + An' here's Larrie Mahoney, + An' Dinnis O'Rouk an' Muldoon. + I've brought them to jine in the song I'll be singin'; + For, Nora, shweet Nora McCune, + + Ye've shtarted me heart-strings so loudly to ringin', + One person can't carry the chune! + + But don't be unaisy, + Me darlint, for fear + Our saicrit of love should be tould. + Mahoney is crazy, + An' Dinnis can't hear; + Muldoon is struck dum wid a could. + Their backs are all facin' the window, me dear; + An' they've shworn by the horn of the moon + That niver a note of me song will they hear + That refers to shweet Nora McCune. + + + + + A GOOD AFTER-DINNER SPEECH + + +It was his first banquet, and they were making speeches. Everybody was +being called on for a speech, and he was in mortal terror, for he had +never made a speech in his life. An old-timer at his side cruelly +suggested that he "get under the table--or say a prayer." His name was +called and he got up with fear and trembling, and said: + +"My friends, I never made a speech in all my life, and I'm just scared +nearly to death. A friend here beside me has suggested two things for me +to do--to get under the table, or to pray. Well, I couldn't get under +the table without observation, and now that I am on my feet, I can't +think of any other prayer to say except one that I used to hear my +sister Mary say in the morning when mother called us--'O Lord, how I do +hate to get up!'" + + + + + WHAT THE STATUTE DID NOT SAY + + +When Benjamin F. Butler lived in Lowell, Massachusetts, he had a little +black-and-tan dog. One morning, as he was coming down the street, +followed by the dog, a policeman stopped him and told him that, in +accordance with an ordinance just passed, he must muzzle the dog. + +"Very well," said Butler. + +Next morning he came along with the dog, and the policeman again told +him of the muzzling ordinance and requested him to muzzle the dog. + +"All right," snorted Butler. "It is a fool ordinance, but I'll muzzle +him. Let me pass." + +Next morning the policeman was on the lookout. "I beg your pardon, +General," he said, "but I must arrest you. Your dog is not muzzled." + +"Not muzzled?" shouted Butler. "Not muzzled? Well, look at him." + +The policeman looked more carefully at the dog and found a tiny, toy +muzzle tied to its tail. + +"General," he expostulated, "this dog is not properly muzzled." + +"Yes, he is, sir," asserted Butler. "Yes, he is. I have examined that +idiotic statute and I find it says that every dog must wear a muzzle. It +doesn't say where the dog shall wear the muzzle, and I choose to +decorate the tail of my dog instead of the head with this infernal +contraption." + + + + + A LINCOLN STORY + + +"One day," said General Howard, "Mr. Lincoln saw Senator Fessenden +coming toward his office room. Mr. Fessenden had received the promise +of some appointment in Maine for one of his constituents. The case had +been overlooked. As soon as Mr. Lincoln caught sight of the Senator he +saw he was angry, and called out: 'Say, Fessenden, aren't you an +Episcopalian?' Mr. Fessenden, somewhat taken aback, answered, 'Yes, I +belong to that persuasion, Mr. President.' Mr. Lincoln then said, 'I +thought so. You swear so much like Seward. Seward is an Episcopalian. +But, you ought to hear Stanton swear. He can beat you both. He is a +Presbyterian.'" + + + + + ANOTHER LINCOLN STORY + + +Some one once called on President Lincoln during the war to suggest some +change of command for General B----, who did not seem to do well as a +commander anywhere. "Well," said Mr. Lincoln, "that's so. General +B----doesn't fit in well anywhere. He reminds me of an experience I once +had with a piece of iron I found while at work in the woods. I thought +it would make a good axe-head, and took it to a blacksmith. 'Yes,' said +he, 'it'll make a good axe.' So he put it into the fire, made it +red-hot and pounded away on it on his anvil. After hammering it a good +while, he stopped and said, 'No, it won't make an axe, but I tell you, +it'll make a mighty good clevis.' So I told him to make a clevis out of +it. Then he heated it again, and again pounded away at it a great while, +and then stopped and looked at it and said, 'No, it won't make a clevis +neither. But,' said he, holding it red-hot in his pincers over his tub +of water, 'I'll tell you what it will make. It will make a blame' good +fizzle.' And here he dropped it into the tub--and it fizzled." + + + + + SHE DRIED UP + + +The occupants of a Pullman sleeper were diligently trying to get some +rest, but could not. There was a very thirsty woman in one of the berths +who kept the whole car awake by her perpetual song of--"Oh, I am so dry. +I am so dry. My, but I am dry. Dear me, what shall I do? I am so dry." + +"Hello, Porter!" at last sang out a gentleman across the way, "For +Heaven's sake give that woman some ice water, and plenty of it. I want +to get some sleep." + +The Porter brought a glass of water. He brought a second glass. She +drank them both--and took up her song afresh-- + +"My, but I was dry. I was so dry. I never was so dry in all my life. +Dear me, but I was dry." + +"Oh, Great Scott, woman," sang out the man across the way, "dry up, and +let me sleep!" + + + + + A TIMELY ANSWER + + +In the good old days of the rod of birch a Philadelphia school teacher +was very partial to one of his boys, and very severe to another. One day +they were both tardy. Rod in hand he called them both up on the floor. +"James, my boy," said he to the favorite regretfully, but kindly, "why +were you late to-day?" "You see, sir," replied James, "I was asleep, +sir, and I dreamed I was going to California, and I was down on the +wharf, and I thought the school-bell was the bell of the steamboat." +"That will do, my boy," said the teacher, glad of an excuse to shield +his favorite, "always tell the truth, my boy. And now, sir," said he to +the other sternly, "and where were you?" "You, see, sir," said the other +candidly, "I was down on the wharf waitin' to see Jim off!" + + + + + THAT TERRIBLE INFANT + + +Annie had a beau. She also had a small brother of the proverbially +troublesome age of five. One day at the dinner table they were teasing +Annie about Mr. Lovejoy--that was the beau's name--and Annie declared +that she didn't like him one bit, and said moreover that Mr. Lovejoy +"had a soft spot in his head." That called off the dogs, for a time at +least, but her brother Bobbie took note. + +The next evening Mr. Lovejoy called to see Annie. They were both in the +parlor. He was sitting on the sofa, and she occupied a chair on the +other side of the room. Bobbie strolled into the room, climbed up on the +sofa and began a very diligent examination of Mr. Lovejoy's head. He +felt all over it, and looked puzzled. Mr. Lovejoy was puzzled likewise, +and at length said, "Why, Bobbie, what are you examining my head for? +Are you studying phrenology?" "No," said the boy, "Sister Annie says you +have a soft spot on your head somewhere, and I was just trying to find +it!" + +They made it up somehow, and Mr. Lovejoy began to call again, evidently +with better results. For, one rainy day the father of the household was +looking everywhere in the hall for his umbrella. "Where's my umbrella, +Annie?" asked he. "I believe somebody has carried it off." And Bobbie +said, "Annie's beau stole it." And Annie said, "Bobbie! how dare you say +such a thing of Mr. Lovejoy?" And Bobbie said, "I know he did, because +when he was giving you good-night at the hat-rack last night, I heard +him say as plain as could be, 'I'm going to steal just one!'" + + + + + ALMOST WON THE BET + + +Two Irish hod-carriers were arguing about their ability to carry their +hods safely to the top of a high building. One said he could carry a +tumbler of water on top of his load without spilling a drop. And Pat +said, "Ach! a tumbler of water! Why, Mike, I could carry you in my hod +to the top of this ten-story buildin' without spillin' you." And Mike +said, "I bet you tin dollars you can't." "Done!" said Pat. "Get into my +hod." + +Mike got in, and up Pat went quickly and safely until he came to the +sixth floor, when all of a sudden his foot slipped off the rung of the +ladder and his hod pitched, threatening to deposit its cargo on the +sidewalk seventy-five feet below. But with a mighty effort he steadied +himself, grasped his hod tight and proceeded to the top safely, where he +deposited Mike on the floor of the scaffolding with, "There, Mike, I've +won the bet. Out wid yer tin dollars." "Sure, ye did, Pat," said Mike, +"the tin is yours, but whin ye got to the sixth flure, an' stoombled--be +gob, I thought I had ye!" + + + + + THE USE OF RICHES + + +In a sleeping car one morning not long ago a Vermont man was accosted by +his neighbor opposite, who was putting on his shoes, with the inquiry: +"My friend, allow me to inquire, are you a rich man?" The Vermonter +looked astonished, but answered the pleasant-faced, tired-looking +gentleman with a "Yes, I am tolerably rich." A pause occurred, and then +came another question, "How rich are you?" He answered, "Oh--about seven +or eight hundred thousand. Why?" "Well," said the weary-looking old man, +"if I were as rich as you say you are, and went traveling, and snored as +loud as I know you do, I'd hire a whole sleeper all for myself every +time I went traveling." + + + + + A PRAYER THAT WAS ANSWERED + + +An old darkey who was asked if in his experience prayer was ever +answered, replied: "Well, sah, some pra'rs is ansud an' some +isn't--'pends on what yo' asks fo'? Jest arter de wah, w'en it was +mighty hard scratchin' fo' de cullud brudren, I 'bsarved dat w'enebber I +pway de Lo'd to sen' one o' Massa Peyton's fat turkeys fo' de ole man, +dere was no notice took o' de partition; but--w'en I pway dat he would +sen' de ole man fo' de turkey, de ting was 'tended to befo' sunup nex' +mornin' dead sartain." + + + + + GOD BLESS OUR HOME + + +A lonely traveler on horseback, riding through a dreary section of the +far West, eagerly scanned the horizon for some signs of a human +habitation. At last away in the distance he spied a cabin, put his horse +to a trot, only to find the house deserted. Nailed on the front door was +a sheet of paper on which he read the following pathetic story: + +Five miles from water. + +Ten miles from timber. + +A hundred miles from a neighbor. + +A hundred and fifty miles from a post office. + +Two hundred and fifty from a railroad. + +God bless our home! + +We have gone East to spend the winter with my wife's folks. + + + + + AN INQUISITIVE BOY + + +Bobbie was taken to church for the first time, and his dear Aunt Lou, +who took him there, "just wondered how he would behave." She soon +discovered, for Bobbie was no sooner seated in the pew than he observed +a very bald-headed man two seats to the front, and exclaimed in a loud +whisper which set everybody smiling, "Oh, Aunt Lou! there's a man with a +skinned head!" Aunt Lou's face was crimson, and she shook him, but it +did little good, for when the minister took his place in the chancel, +the boy remarked, "Another man with a skinned head!" Things were getting +uncomfortable, and reached their climax when the boy, seeing the choir +up in the gallery, called out, "Oh, Aunt Lou! what are all those people +doing up there on the mantel-piece?" + + + + + PEPPER-SAUCE + + +Once upon a time there was a minister, a very orthodox man, and he was +very fond of pepper-sauce, and he liked it piping hot, the very +strongest kind on the market. Distrusting that furnished by the hotels, +he always carried with him on his travels a bottle of his favorite +brand. One day as he was seated at the dinner table of a hotel, a man on +the other side of the table asked him to "please pass the +pepper-sauce." "Certainly," said he, "with pleasure. This bottle is my +own private property, I always carry it with me. I think you will find +it very good." The man helped himself freely, and when he had got done +coughing and had recovered enough breath to enable him to speak, he +said: "Pardon me, sir. I believe you are a preacher?" "Yes, that is my +calling in life." "An orthodox preacher, I presume?" "Yes, sir." "And +you really believe in hell-fire?" "Yes--I feel it my duty to warn the +inpenitent of their danger." "And you do preach and believe in a literal +hell-fire?" "I cannot do otherwise with the Scriptures before me." +"Well"--said the man, "I have met a good many preachers in my time who +believe and preach just as you do, sir, but I must say I never before +met a man who carries his samples with him." + + + + + ONE PLACE OR THE OTHER + + +"When I get to heaven," said Brown, as he laid down the book he had been +reading--"when I get to heaven, the very first person I want to see +will be Shakespeare." + +"And what do you want to see Shakespeare for?" inquired his wife. + +"Why, I just want to ask him whether he wrote his own plays, or whether +he got some one else to write them for him, and have this question +settled." + +"Well, but"--objected his wife, "how do you know he'll be there? Not all +people will get to heaven." + +"That's so, that's so," said Brown meditatively. "Well, I'll tell you +what we'll do--if he isn't there, then suppose you ask him?" + + + + +"LOUDER!" + + +At a criminal trial both judge and counsel had a deal of trouble to make +the timid witnesses speak loud enough to be heard by the jury, and it is +possible that the temper of the counsel may thereby have been turned +from the even tenor of its way. After this gentleman had gone through +the various stages of bar pleading, and had coaxed, threatened and even +bullied the witnesses, there was called into the box a young hostler who +appeared to be simplicity itself. + +"Now, sir," said the counsel, in a tone that would at any other time +have been denounced as vulgarly loud, "I hope we shall have no +difficulty in making you speak out." + +"I hope not, sir," was shouted, or rather bellowed out, by the witness +in tones which almost shook the building, and would certainly have +alarmed any timid or nervous person. + +"How dare you speak in that way, sir?" demanded the counsel. + +"Please, sir, I can't speak no louder," roared the perplexed witness, +evidently thinking that fault was found with him for speaking too +softly. + +"Pray, have you been drinking this morning?" shouted the counsel, who +had now thoroughly lost the last remnant of his temper. + +"Yes, sir," was the stentorian reply. + +"And what have you been drinking?" + +"Corfee, sir." + +"And what did you have in your coffee?" + +"A spune, sir," bawled the witness in his highest key amidst the roars +of the court. + + + + + A COLLEGE TRICK + + +It occurred in an Ohio college, in the early days when the small college +was struggling for an existence, and the students were struggling for an +education. Many of the boys were very poor, and had to board themselves, +doing all their cooking, sleeping and studying in the same room. To +economize space they were used to keep their little store of groceries +and provisions under the bed, and the bed was of the old bed-cord kind. +The two particular boys of whom we write, for some reason or other, at +this particular time, had a pan full of molasses under the bed. + +Boys will be boys, poor as well as rich, and college boys the world over +are full of all manner of tricks. These two chaps had concocted a very +neat little scheme for getting on to the nerves of Professor John, who +had charge of the building in which they were domiciled. For days and +days they had been secretly carrying a lot of stones up into their room +and depositing them in an empty barrel. When the barrel was full, the +trick was ready to be pulled off just at bedtime, the trick consisting +of simply rolling the barrel to the top of the corkscrew staircase, and +letting her go Gallagher, when the perpetrators would skip to their room +hard by, dive into bed and be sound asleep before Professor John could +say Jack Robinson. + +But--Professor John knew about all the possible combinations of the +college boy, and could smell a hatching trick a mile away. Knowing that +something was in the air, he had quietly stationed himself in a dark +niche in the wall at the head of the staircase, and was watching the two +night-begowned boys as they tugged with all their strength at the heavy +barrel of stones, gently rolling it to the top of the stairs. "Don't +make a noise," hoarsely whispered the one who was bossing the job, "and +don't let her go till all is ready and I give the word." + +When all was about ready to heave away, out stepped Professor John with +a terrible "What's--all--this!" + +Away went the boys pell-mell to their room. They tried to slam the door +shut, but the Professor's foot got there first, and they dived into bed. + +But alas! there had been a trick within a trick. Some one had cut the +bed-cords! And as the two went down to the floor, one pitifully called +out "Oh--we're in the molasses!" + +Professor John knew what that meant. He leaned up against the wall and +laughed till he cried. "Let them go, poor fellows," he said, as he went +to his room, "they have been punished enough." + + + + + ANY PORT IN A STORM + + +In a lecture on Carlyle, Moncure D. Conway related how the great writer +was interviewed one morning by a very rough man in his neighborhood. A +great revival being in progress in the vicinity, this man, well known as +a very rough and profane fellow, had been attending the meetings and was +"under conviction," as the phrase went. Thinking that perhaps Mr. +Carlyle might be able to give him some good and godly advice, he made a +morning call on the celebrated writer, who unfortunately was just then +enduring a most grievous attack of dyspepsia. + +"Good morning, Mr. Carlyle," said the man. + +"Morning," growled Carlyle. + +"Mr. Carlyle," said he, "I have come to see you this morning about my +soul----" + +"And what has gone wrong with your soul, then?" interrupted the man of +letters. + +"Why, Mr. Carlyle, I've been such an awful bad man that I'm afraid, if I +were to die, I'd go straight to hell." + +"Very likely," was the prompt answer. "Very likely indeed. And, what is +more--you may be very thankful you have a hell to go to, too." + + + + + A VERY GOOD INVESTMENT + + +"Now, James," said a business man to his ten-year-old boy, "you are +going to be a business man, and it is time that we should begin to give +you some practical lessons in the art and science of investing money. +Here's a half dollar. You take it and go down town and invest it on +your own hook and to the best advantage. I don't care where you put it +in, only so you put it where it will be safe and where you will get a +good interest for your money." + +The boy took the silver and started off. In an hour he returned, +reporting that he had made a good investment, and was going to get a +hundred per cent. interest. + +"Splendid!" said the admiring father. "Where did you put it in?" + +"Well," said the boy, "I went down town and walked around a while, +wondering where I should find a good place, and by and by I came by a +church, and there was a meeting, and they were singing, and I went in. +It was a missionary meeting, and the man was begging money for Missions, +and he said if you gave him your money why the Lord would send it back +to you doubled--He would pay you a hundred per cent." + +"I hope," expostulated his father, "you didn't put that half dollar on +the collection plate?" "Yes, I did, father," said the boy, "and the man +he said that the Lord is a good paymaster and that He'd send it back +doubled." + +"And you believed him! O pshaw, I'm utterly disappointed in you, James. +You'll never make a business man. The idea of your believing such stuff +like that. Why, that half dollar--you'll never see it again, and that +man--why, he's nothing but a fakir. O well--pshaw! I'll give you another +chance, and see that you do better this time. Here's a dollar. Now you +steer clear of all churches and missionary meetings this time----" + +"Why, father!" exclaimed the boy as he took the dollar, "why, that man +was right after all. The Lord did send my half dollar back, and sooner +than I looked for it--and doubled, too!" + + + + + THE POOR + + +Josh Billings concluded his celebrated lecture on "Milk" with these +memorable words--"Remember the poor. It costs nothing." + +A town meeting had been called to devise ways and means to provide for +the poor of the community. After many speeches had been made, and many +recommendations offered, and much time wasted and nothing done, a +benevolent German arose in the back part of the hall and said: + +"Mister Chairman, I move, before we adjourn, we all shtand oop undt gif +three cheers for de poor!" + + + + + TEMPERANCE A HUNDRED YEARS AGO + + +The first Temperance Society organized in this country, in the year +1808, provided that "No member shall be intoxicated under a penalty of +fifty cents, and no member shall ask another person to take a drink +under a penalty of twenty-five cents." + +There was a Temperance Society in the State of Maine, prior to the year +1825, which had the following remarkable plank in its platform: "If any +member of this Society shall get drunk, he shall be obliged to stand +treat for the whole Society all round!" + +A hundred years ago the virtues of rum were set forth in an English +publication after the following fashion: + +"It sloweth age, it strengthened youth, it helpeth digestion, it cutteth +phlegme, it abandoneth melancholy, it relisheth the heart, it lighteneth +the mind, it quickeneth the spirits, it cureth the hydupsia, it healeth +the strangurie, it pounceth the stone, it expelleth the gravel, it +puffeth away ventosity; it keepeth and preserveth the head from +whirling, the tongue from lisping, the mouth from snaffling, the teeth +from chattering and the throat from rattling. It keepeth the weasen from +stiffling, the stomach from wambling and the heart from swelling. It +keepeth the hands from shivering, the sinews from shrinking, the veins +from crumbling, the bones from aching, and the marrow from soaking." + + + + +"THE ---- YANKEES" + + +When Sherman's army was making its great march through Georgia the +colored people were, of course, very much excited over the news of the +approach of the Northern army. They had very little idea of what +Northern soldiers looked like, but had commonly heard them spoken of as +"the dam Yankees." In a certain part of Georgia, when they heard of the +approach of the great army, the darkies held a prayer-meeting, and one +old fellow prayed--"O Lawd, bress Massa Linkum, an' bress Gin'l Sherman. +O Lawd, he's one o' us. He got a white skin, but he got a black heart, +he one o' us. An', O Lawd, bress all dem dam Yankees!" + + + + + THE SNOLLIGOSTER + + +A circus came to town down in Kentucky. The tents were set up and the +cages put in, and the people gathered about to look. "There, ladies and +gentlemen," shouted the barker, "is the Royal Lion, the king of beasts. +He can whip any other animal in the world." + +"He kin, kin he?" queried a gawky Kentuckian. "I'll bet you five dollars +I have an animal at home that'll lick him the very first round." + +"Can't take your bet," said the barker. "Too little money. Couldn't +think of letting him fight for five dollars, but I'll take a bet of +twenty-five dollars." + +"I ain't got that much," said Kentuck, "but I'll borrow it of my +friends, an' we'll have a fight." + +The bystanders made up the money, and the stakes were duly put up. +Kentuck went to his home, and by and by returned with a bag over his +shoulder. + +"What you got in that bag?" asked the showman. + +"A snolligoster," answered Kentuck. + +"A snolligoster? What's that? Let's see it." + +"No, you don't," answered Kentuck. "You open the top of your cage and +I'll put my animile in, the money's put up, you know." + +So the cage was opened and Kentuck climbed up to the hole in the top +and, opening his bag, shook out of it a big snapping turtle. The turtle +stood on the defensive. The lion came up to smell him. He took only one +smell, gave a yell of pain and retired to his corner to howl the snapper +loose if he could. + +"Take him off," yelled the showman. + +"Take him off yerself, if ye want to," said Kentuck. "The fightin's just +commenced. First blood for my snolligoster." + + + + + SHARPENING THEIR WITS + + +Two human Whetstones met on the street. + +"Queer, isn't it?" + +"What's queer?" + +"The night falls----" + +"Yes." + +"----but it doesn't break." + +"No." + +"And the day breaks----" + +"Yes." + +"But it doesn't fall?" + +"No--but it's getting very warm." + +"Yes, it is." + +"There would be a big thaw but for one thing----" + +"And what's that?" + +"There's nothing froze." + +And they parted. + + + + + AN ILL-ASSORTED COUPLE + + +A missionary in the Far West, residing near an Indian reservation, +relates how one day there came to his house an Indian and a squaw +wishing to "get married white man's way." Everything being in order +they were duly made man and wife according to the service of the Church. +"I was a little apprehensive," said the minister, laughing, "that it +might not turn out well with them. They had such queer names. His name +was 'Little Red Horse,' and hers was 'Jane-kick-a-hole-in-the-sky." + + + + + THE STRONGEST MAN + + +"Who was the strongest man?" asked the Sunday-school teacher. One boy +said "Samson, cause he choked a lion to death." "Naw," said another boy, +"g'wan, it wasn't Samson. It was Jonah, 'cause a whale couldn't keep him +down." + + + + + WHY THEY MARRIED + + +Postal cards having been sent out to all the married men in a certain +town in Western New York carrying the question, "Why did you marry?" the +following are some of the answers returned: + +"That's what I've been trying for eleven years to find out." + +"Married to get even with her mother--but never have." + +"Was freckle-faced and thought it was my last chance. I've found out, +however, that freckles ain't near as bad as henspeck." + +"Because I was too lazy to work." + +"Because Sarah told me that five other young fellows had proposed to +her. Lucky dogs!" + +"The old man thought eight years courtin' was long enough." + +"I was lonesome and melancholy, and wanted some one to make me lively. +N. B. She makes me lively, you bet!" + +"I was tired of buying ice cream and candies and going to theatres and +church, and wanted a rest. Have saved money." + +"Please don't stir me up!" + +"Because I thought she was one among a thousand; now I sometimes think +she is a thousand among one." + +"Because I did not then have the experience I now have." + +"The Governor was going to give me his foot, so I took his daughter's +hand." + +"I thought it would be cheaper than a breach-of-promise suit." + +"That's the same fool question all my friends and neighbors ask." + +"Because I had more money than I knew what to do with. And now I have +more to do with than I have money." + +"I wanted a companion of the opposite sex. P. S. She is still opposite." + +"Don't mention it!" + +"Had difficulty in unlocking the door at night, and wanted somebody in +the house to let me in." + +"Because it is just my luck." + +"I didn't intend to go and do it." + +"I yearned for company. We now have company all the time--her folks." + +"I married to get the best wife in the world." + +"Because I asked her if she'd have me. She said she would. I think she's +got me!" + + + + + THE STUTTERERS + + +It is related of the late William Travers of New York City, who was used +at times to make merry of his own incurable and distressing infirmity, +that he was on one occasion asked by a woman in a street car, "Would he +be so good as to tell her whether it was nine o'clock yet?" Pulling his +timepiece out of his pocket and looking at it a moment, he began, +"N--n--no, M--m--madam, it isn't n--n--nine oc--oc--o'clock yet, +b--b--but it will be by--by--by the time I can g--g--get it out." + +On another occasion he was asked some question by an entire stranger on +the street, who stammered quite as painfully as he himself did, and when +he stuttered out a laborious answer, the man thinking Travers was +mocking him, grew angry and exclaimed: + +"How d--dare y--y--you m--make sport of m--m--m--my inf--infirmity?" + +And Travers replied, "I wasn't m--m--making f--f--fun of your +in--inf--infirmity. I stut--tut--tut--tutter myself. W--w--why don't you +go to Doctor B--B--Brown? He--cu--cuc--cured me!" + + * * * * * + +Two men once went squirrel shooting. One of them was a notorious +stammerer. He had no load in his gun when he saw a squirrel running up +a tree, and wishing to call the attention of his companion to it he +began: + +"J--J--James! I see a--a--a--a sq--sq--sq--Oh, by George he's gone into +his hole!" + + + + + ALEXANDER + + + There was a chap who kept a store, + And though there might be grander, + He sold his goods nor asked for more, + And his name was Alexander. + + He mixed his goods with cunning hand, + He was a skillful brander; + And since his sugar half was sand, + They called him Alex-Sander. + + He had his dear one, to her came, + Then lovingly he scanned her; + He asked her would she change her name? + Then a ring did Alex-hand-her. + + "Oh, yes," she said, with smiling lip, + "If I can be commander!" + And so they framed a partnership + And called it Alex-and-her. + + + + + A FOOL ACCORDING TO HIS FOLLY + + +Once in traveling the Rev. Dr. Bledsoe was exceedingly annoyed by a +pedantic bore who forced himself upon him, and made a great parade of +his shallow learning. The doctor endured it as long as he could, but at +length, looking at the man, said: "My friend, you and I know all that is +to be known." "Why, how is that?" asked the man, much pleased with what +he thought a very complimentary association. "Why," blandly replied the +doctor, "you know everything in this world, except that you are a +fool--and I know that." + + + + + HE COULDN'T CATCH UP + + +When the pious deacon, riding a very poor horse, pulled up at the +cross-roads and asked a farmer's boy to tell him which road to take, the +boy asked him who he was and where it was he was going? + +"My boy," replied the deacon with a pious gaze heavenward, "I am a +follower of the Lord." + +"A follower of the Lord!" exclaimed the lad. "I reckon, mister, you'd +better buy another nag, for you'll never catch up to him on that old +horse of yourn!" + + + + + A SUDDEN RISE + + +Stooping down to wash his hands in a creek, the darkey couldn't, of +course, observe the peculiar motions of a goat right behind him. When he +scrambled out of the water and was asked how it happened, he answered: +"I dunno zacktly. 'Peared as if de shore kinder histed an' frowed me." + + + + +"OLD HOSS" + + +During the trying days of drafting in Civil War times, a farmer from +away out West called on President Lincoln. As soon as he got near enough +to the President he slapped him familiarly on the back and said, "Hello, +old hoss, how are ye?" + +"You call me an old hoss," said Mr. Lincoln; "may I inquire what kind of +a hoss I am?" "Why--an old Draft hoss, to be sure. Ha, ha!" + + + + + DISTURBING THE SOLEMNITY + + +Somehow or other there were many more queer things happening in church +in the olden time than occur in these sober and decorous days. In old +St. Paul's, Newburyport, for example, some very amusing things are +recorded to have happened during the hours of service. Uncle Nat Bailey +was the sexton, and it was his duty to attend to the new stove which had +just been put in. But one Sunday morning Uncle Nat was engaged in +ringing the bell, and the last comers were hurrying in, and the clerk, +Harvey, perceived that the stove needed attention. Taking the sexton's +duty, he poked the fire, chucked in more wood, shut the door and +returned to his place at his desk. Unfortunately he had got his hand all +black with soot, and unwittingly he had smeared the soot all over his +face. The congregation broadly smiled a few minutes later when he +solemnly rose at his desk and gave out the first hymn, "Behold the +beauties of my face." + +Lighting as well as heating gave trouble in those days. Candles +guttered, or went out, and kept the attentive sextons busy tiptoeing +about, snuffing or relighting them. Sexton Currier--pronounced in +country speech "Kiah"--of Parson Milton's church in the same old town, +once neglected this duty during an evening service. + +Parson Milton, from his tremendous, booming voice nicknamed "Thundering +Milton," was an excellent pastor, but very singular and abrupt in his +ways. Observing the condition of the lights, he quite upset the +congregation by proclaiming at the top of his voice, without the +slightest break between the sentences: + +"The Lord said unto Moses, Kiah, snuff the candles." + +He it was, too, who, when a worthy parishioner whose Christian name was +Mark once dropped off into a doze in his pew, recalled him to his duty +in a marvelous fashion. Leaning forward in the middle of the sermon, and +apparently addressing himself directly to the offender, he exclaimed in +quick, sharp tones, "Mark!" + +At the sound of his name, the man opened his eyes and sat hastily erect, +while the preacher, resuming his normal voice, concluded the +sentence--"the perfect man, and behold the upright." + + * * * * * + +On a very cold day, when the church was inadequately warmed, another +minister preached from a very hot text. At the conclusion of the service +he leaned over the pulpit and said, in a tone audible to all the +congregation: + +"Deacon Craig, do, I pray you, see to it that this church is properly +warmed this afternoon. What's the use of my preaching to a parcel of +sinners about the danger of hell-fire when the church is as cold as a +barn?" + + + + + TECHNIQUE + + +They were both musical, and of course became engaged. One evening the +young man was late in paying his visit. The young lady was anxious and +getting nervous. The whole family sympathized with the poor girl as she +waited for the bell to ring. Suddenly the bell rang, and the calm blue +sky of peace reappeared in the young girl's eyes as she exclaimed +rapturously even if ungrammatically, "That's him! How exquisite his +technique is on the bell-pull, and oh! the breadth and compass of his +ring!" + + * * * * * + +Three street boys were brought by the city missionary into a downtown +Sunday-school, and placed in Mr. B----'s class. "What is your first +name?" he asked of one. "Lem," was the reply. "Ah, Lemuel," corrected +the teacher. "And yours, my boy?" he asked of the next. "Sam," yelled +the urchin. "Ah, Samuel," rejoined Mr. B----. "And what may I call you?" +he kindly asked of the third. "My name is--Jimuel," said he. + + + + + TACT--AND NO TACT + + +That English clergyman had no tact who vehemently declared his +parishioners to be "a set of unmitigated asses." One of the Long-Eared +standing by ventured to inquire whether that was the reason his +reverence addressed them every Sunday morning as "Dearly beloved +Brethren?" + +But here was another English clergyman who had tact. On one occasion he +was traveling in a stage-coach in company with a noisy talker who +persisted in thrusting upon his fellow-passengers the fact that he did +not believe in the Bible. In particular he was severe upon the writer +who had alleged that Joshua had commanded the sun to stand still and +look on while he wiped out the heathen. The clergyman had been measuring +up his companion, and at this point he spoke out---- + +"Did you ever read the further explanation of that great miracle as +given in the First Book of Zorobbabel?" + +"Yes, I have," snapped the learned infidel, "and that doesn't throw any +light on it either. In fact, it makes it worse----" + +The general roar of laughter which followed this confession of ignorance +ended the controversy, and bottled up the agnostic. + +On another occasion this same clergyman was annoyed by a bustling +preacher who walked up to him in public, and, in a voice that arrested +the attention of all within hearing, challenged him to a controversy on +Apostolic Succession. The challenged man turned sharply and said: "Can +you repeat the Lord's Prayer, sir?" "But--" stammered the man, "I want +to discuss--" "Sir," said the other, "I repeat, say the Lord's Prayer, +if you can." The man was so taken aback by this unexpected flank +movement that, if he ever knew the Lord's Prayer, every petition of it +had vanished from his memory, and he became red-faced and silent. Then +his dignified antagonist turned in a stately way to the group of amused +auditors, and said, "Sir, I will leave it to this intelligent assemblage +to decide whether a man who is unable to repeat the Lord's Prayer is +competent to discuss Apostolic Succession." + + + + + THE ECHO + + +A tourist was told by a guide that the echo on a Killarney lake was very +fine. So, off went the tourist to hear it, and hired two men to row him +out, accomplishing the transaction so swiftly that there was no time for +them to arrange for the usual echo to be in attendance. The echo wasn't +working. What was to be done? In despair of a better expedient, the men +that were rowing broke an oar, and one swam ashore to fetch another--and +while he was gone, the echo began to work! + +"Good morning," cried the tourist. + +"Good marning," said the echo, with a charming brogue. + +"Fine day, sir." + +"Foine day, sir," improved the echo. + +"Will you take a drink?" cried the tourist. + +"Begorra, an' that I will!" roared the echo. + + + + +"LOGIC IS LOGIC" + + +Jack and his friend Mickey were walking uptown one morning and Jack +said, "Mickey, I bet you a dollar I can prove to you that you are on the +other side of the street." + +"Done," said Mickey, "I'm the man for your money." + +"Well," continued Jack, pointing to the opposite side of the street, +"that is one side of the street, isn't it?" + +"Yes," said Mickey. + +"And this side is the other side, isn't it? And you are on the other +side. And I'll take your dollar, please." + +Mickey passed out the dollar, but scratched his head. He resolved to win +that dollar back, and later in the day waylaid a man with, "I say--I bet +you a dollar I can prove to you that you are on the other side of the +street." "Done," said the man. "I'd as soon make a dollar easy as not." + +"Well," said Mickey, "this is one side of the street, isn't it?" + +"Yes, that can't be disputed." + +"And over there is the other side, isn't it?" + +"Yes--but I ain't on that side--and I'll take your dollar, please." + +And Mickey walked home scratching his head and wondering how it came +that "the dang thing didn't work?" + + + + + LIONIZED + + +This is how the colonel and the lieutenant-colonel of a French regiment +in Algeria were lionized. The major of the regiment one day came across +a lion suffering grievous pain from a thorn in his paw. Pitying the +poor animal, the major extracted the thorn. Considering what he could do +in return for the kindness, the grateful lion secured a copy of the army +register, ran his eye over the list of officers in the gentle major's +regiment, and waylaid and devoured both the colonel and the +lieutenant-colonel, so that his friend, the major, could be promoted. + + + + + LAUGHED IT OUT OF COURT + + +In the course of a sermon on "The Soul," a certain minister once said: +"They are saying these days that the soul is nothing but electricity. +Now, brethren, just to show you how utterly ridiculous this modern +conceit is, suppose we substitute the word 'electricity' for the words +'the soul' wherever they occur in the Bible, and see how it will read. +For instance: 'What shall it profit a man if he gain the whole world, +and lose his--electricity. Or what shall a man give in exchange for +his--electricity.' Ridiculous, perfectly ridiculous!" + + + + + HOW TO CATCH A MULE + + +There was a farmer who had a balky mule and he couldn't make the mule +go. A stranger came along and offered to help, and the farmer told him +to go right ahead. The stranger had a bottle of turpentine, and he +opened the mule's mouth and pushed back his head and poured about half +of the bottle into the mule's stomach. The mule gave one startled gasp +and struck out across the prairie, and was lost to sight. The surprised +farmer stood for a while immersed in deep thought, and then he said, +"Stranger, please give me the rest of that turpentine; I've got to catch +my mule." + + + + + HOW THE YOUNG IDEA SHOOTS + + +Many children are so crammed with everything that they really know +nothing. + +In proof of this, read these veritable specimens of definitions, written +by public school children: + +"Stability is taking care of a stable." + +"A mosquito is the child of black and white parents." + +"Tocsin is something to do with getting drunk." + +"Expostulation is to have the smallpox." + +"Monastery is the place for monsters." + +"Cannibal is two brothers who killed each other in the Bible." + +"Anatomy is the human body, which consists of three parts, the head, the +chist and the stummick. The head contains the eyes and brains, if any. +The chist contains the lungs and a piece of the liver. The stummick is +devoted to the bowels, of which there are five, a, e, i, o, u, and +sometimes w and y." + + + + + NAMES FOR THE TWINS + + +Some amusing "baptismal experiences" of a "well-known clergyman" are +printed in the columns of an exchange. A boy born on January 3, 1863, +was dubbed Emancipation Proclamation Baxter. Another he christened +Perseverance Jones. When the minister endeavored to dissuade the father +he replied that the child's mother was named Patience, and he saw no +reason why the boy should not be called Perseverance, because the two +always went together. But the richest of his reminiscences had to do +with twins: + +"What names will you call them?" I inquired. + +"Cherubim and Seraphim," replied their mother. + +"Why?" I asked, in astonishment. + +"Because," she replied, "de pra'er book says, 'De cherubim and seraphim +continually do cry,' an' dese yere chil'en do nuffin' else." + + + + + EXTREMES MEET + + +As the newspaper man put it: "A late invoice from Boston to Africa +included three missionaries and eighty-three casks of rum--salvation in +the cabin, damnation in the hold, and Old Glory floating over both." + +This fine bit of ecclesiastical sarcasm is further illustrated by a fact +concerning a church in the city of Edinburgh, which city is noted for +its Scottish brand of "religion and whiskey," and of which wits have +spoken as being "the most spiritually minded city in the Kingdom." +Well--there is said to be a church there, so built as to include a +spacious basement adapted for storage purposes, which the pious elders, +with a business eye to revenue, did not scruple to rent for the storage +of casks of wine and other spirits in considerable bulk. Well--along +comes some clever wit with a facile pen and writes on the door of the +basement of that Edinburgh church the following lines. The authorship is +unknown, but Macready is suspected: + + "There's a spirit above + And a spirit below, + The spirit of love + And the spirit of woe. + + "The spirit above + Is the spirit of love, + And the spirit below + Is the spirit of woe. + + "The spirit above + Is a spirit divine, + And the spirit below + Is the spirit of wine." + + + + + A FIRE SCREEN + + +A Southern politician, in rehearsing some of the stories with which he +made many Democratic votes during a campaign, related the following as +having probably been the most effective: + +A darkey had a dream and thought he went to the bad place. The next day +he told his friends what he had dreamed, and they asked him a great many +questions. + +"Did you see ole Satan down dar?" one of them asked. + +"Oh, yes; I seed ole Satan dar, an' Belzybub, an' Pollyun an' de hull +lot. Dey was jist standin' roun' an' tendin' to de bisniss, pokin' de +fires an' makin' it hot fer de folks." + +"Was dey--was dey any niggahs down dar?" + +"Oh, yes, dey was lots an' lots o' niggahs, heaps on 'em." + +"An' white folks?" + +"Oh, yes, lots o' white folks, too; scores an' scores on 'em." + +"Democrats?" + +"Oh, yes, plenty Democrats." + +"An' 'Publicans?" + +"Oh, yes. De 'Publicans dey was in one pen by deyselves, an' de +Democrats dey was all in a pen, too." + +"Was de white an' de black 'Publicans in de same pen?" + +"Yes, dey was all togedder in de same pen." + +"What was dey all a-doin'?" + +"Well, I 'clar to goodness, w'en I looked in dat ar pen an' seed 'em, it +peered like ebbery blame white 'Publikin had a niggah in his arms +a-holdin' him up 'twixt him an' de fire to cotch de heft o' de heat." + +"I estimate that this story," said the politician, "was good for at +least twelve hundred colored votes on our side in this campaign." + + + + + BRANDIED PEACHES + + +The guests were all gathered in the parlor laughing and talking, when +the host was suddenly summoned by his wife for a brief consultation in +the dining-room before dinner was served. + +"Tom," said she, in evident alarm, "what shall I do? I have nothing for +dessert but brandied peaches, and there's Dr. Brown, the Methodist +minister, in the company. I never thought about him--you know he's such +a strict temperance person." + +Tom said he was sorry, but it was evidently too late to change the +schedule, and that they would just have to trust to luck. + +They did--and luck did not fail them. For when it came to the dessert, +the Rev. Mr. Brown evidently enjoyed the peaches very much, very much. +Dear innocent soul! he thought he had never tasted anything half so +good. And when the hostess sweetly asked him, "Could she not have the +pleasure of serving him with another peach?" he hesitatingly replied, +"No--thank you--thank you--but I believe I will take a little more of +the juice!" + + + + +"MOUNTED?" + + +Another darkey relates a dream he had during an exciting political +campaign down in Kentucky, only in this case his dream took an opposite +direction. "I dreamed," said he, "dat I died an' went up to de big gate +o' hebbin an' wanted to git in, an' Sent Petah he says to me, says he, +'Is you mounted?' an' I says, 'No.' An' he says, 'Den you can't come +in.' So I kum away, an' on de way down I met Kunnel White, de man wat's +runnin' fo' Congress, an' I told him 'twant no use: he couldn't git in +if he wasn't mounted. 'Better go back,' says I, 'an' mount de bay mare.' +But he says, 'No, I tell you, Sam, what we'll do. You'll be my hoss. +I'll git on your back, an' we'll ride up to de gate an' when Petah says, +"Is you mounted?" I'll say, "Yaas," an' I'll ride you right in.' + +"So I got down on my han's an' feet an' he got up on my back, an' we +trotted up to de big gate, and de kunnel he knocked on de doo', an' Sent +Petah he open de gate a crack an' says, 'Who's dar?' an' de kunnel says, +'Kunnel White o' Kentucky, sah.' An' Petah says, 'Is you mounted?' an' +de kunnel says, 'Yaas, I is, sah.' An' Sent Petah he says, 'Mighty glad +to see you, kunnel. Jist tie your hoss on de outside de gate an' come +right in!'" + + + + +"DOLLARS TO DOUGHNUTS" + + +They say that the difference between an optimist and a pessimist is +this: The optimist looks on the doughnut, the pessimist looks on the +hole. Well, there once was a man up in a certain town in Eastern +Pennsylvania who did a very good business at the baker-trade. Everybody +knew and patronized the good German baker, Hans Kitzeldorfer. Hans was +industrious, frugal and thrifty, and was making money, until one +unfortunate day he turned pessimist and began to look on the hole in the +doughnut. The longer he looked at that hole the more he became persuaded +that he could make money much more rapidly by making the holes in his +celebrated brand of doughnuts larger than they had been. This happy +suggestion he at once proceeded to act on, and for two years he was +immensely tickled over his discovery. But by and by it seemed to him +that his receipts were not as large as formerly, especially in the +Doughnut Department, and he ordered an investigation, the result of +which Was that he discovered that by making the holes larger he had +unwittingly used more dough to go around the holes than when the holes +were less in diameter, whereupon he at once restored his earlier and +more profitable system--and Prosperity returned. + + + + + TWO POLITE AND SPUNKY BOYS + + +A German, meeting a friend on the street, asked him to come up to his +house some day, he wanted to show him his two boys. "I haf," said he, +"two of de finest poys vot ever vas; two very fine, polite undt spunky +poys." + +His friend went up to the house one day, and the two friends were +sitting on the porch talking and smoking their pipes, while the two boys +were playing in front of the house in the street. + +"Now I vill show you," said the proud father, "vat two very fine poys I +haf." And with that he called, "Poys!" + +One of the little fellows looked up and promptly answered, "Sir?" + +"See," said the father, "how polite. Two very polite undt spunky poys." + +By and by he called out again, "Poys!" and the other little chap looked +up from his play and responded, "Sir?" + +Again the father proudly commended them to his companion, saying, "How +polite, how polite." + +A third time he ventured to put them to the test, as he said, "Just to +show you vat two polite undt spunky poys I haf," and called out, "poys!" + +One of the little fellows straightened himself up at this, and shaking +his fist at the old man, called out: + +"Look here, old man, if you don't stop your blame hollerin' at us, I'll +come in there an' bust your head with a brick." + +"See!" exclaimed the delighted father, "spunky, spunky! Two very polite +undt spunky poys." + + * * * * * + +Passing by a mill-pond in winter time, and observing a parcel of boys +skating right under and around a DANGER sign which had been erected +there, a gentleman looked up the miller and expostulated with him for +allowing it. + +The miller smiled and said, "You just rest easy, my friend. It's all +right. I put that danger sign there on purpose to attract the boys to +that part of the pond. You see the water is only a foot deep there, but +away on the other side it's twenty feet deep. If I'd a put the danger +sign over there, then they'd all gone over there. So I put it over here. +Catch on?" + + + + + A CRANKY COUPLE + + +On the way to the minister's house to be married a couple had a +fall-out, and when the woman was asked: "Would she take this man for her +wedded husband?" she said, "No!" And the man said, "Why--what's the +matter with you?" and she said, "Well, I've taken a sudden dislike to +you." + +They went away without being married, but they made it all up in a few +days' time and went to the minister's house again. But, when the man was +asked, "Would he have this woman for his wedded wife?" he, to get even, +answered, "No!" and then she said, "What's the matter with you, now?" +and he said, "Oh, nothin', only I've tuk a sudden dislike to you." + +They went away again, again made it up, and again came to the minister's +house, rang the bell, and when the minister appeared, the man said, +"Well, parson, here we are again. We'll make it good this time, sure; +third time proves, you know." And the minister said "No--he guessed he +didn't care to marry them." And then they both said, "Why, what's the +matter with you, now?" and he said, "Well, I've taken a sudden dislike +to both of you!" + + + + + SO MANY BALD HEADS + + +Thirty-six years after the date of the battle of Gettysburg, the veteran +survivors of a Pennsylvania regiment were holding their first reunion in +that celebrated town. In the forenoon they dedicated their monument on +the field of "The First Day's Fight," and in the afternoon they were to +hold a business meeting in the Post Room of the local G. A. R. On that +day accommodations were quite inadequate in Gettysburg, and the Post +Room was in consequence occupied nearly every hour of the day by some +of the various organizations there assembled, so that when it came the +turn of this particular regiment to occupy the room, the Seventh +Pennsylvania Cavalry was still in session. They waited outside until the +cavalrymen were through, and then filed in. One who was there says: + +"As we went in, I noticed a man going in beside me, tall, well-formed, +with a very fine head of coal-black hair, and rather the worse for +drink. I wondered who he was, for I knew nearly every man in the +regiment, but I couldn't place that man. + +"Well, when we were all seated, and General Wister took the gavel in +hand to rap to order, this black-haired man arose slowly and somewhat +uncertainly, saluted and said: + +"'Cap'n, before you read the minutes and proceed to business, I'd like +to ask a question. What, hic, regiment is this that's holding a reunion +here?' + +"'The One Hundred and Fiftieth Pennsylvania, Bucktails,' answered the +general with a smile. + +"'Then, 'tain't the Seventh Cavalry?' + +"'No. It's the One Hundred and Fiftieth.' + +"The Man seemed dazed, repeated the number over and over to himself and +said: 'Then I'm in the wrong box, cap'n--got left. Ever get left +yourself, cap'n? Great Scott, got in the wrong box." + +"Then he sat down, chuckling to himself over his adventure and +muttering, 'Wrong box,' and 'Got left.' + +"By and by he arose again, courteously saluted, and said: + +"'Cap'n, 'scuze me--but what regiment did you say this was? How much was +it?" + +"'The One Hundred and Fiftieth.' + +"'The One Hundred and Fiftieth--'m hic, Great Scott,' looking carefully +around the room, 'a fellow'd think it was the Three Hundred and +Forty-Ninth by the bald heads a-settin' around here!' And then he left, +amidst roars of laughter." + + + + + WIND AND WATER + + +When a political stump speaker, from the wild and windy West, after a +very high-falutin flight of oratory paused to gulp down two tumblers of +ice-water, old Hayseed arose in one of the front benches and called out: +"Well, I'll be durned if this hain't the fust time I ever see a windmill +run by water." + +Which goes well with what we read of a newly elected senator. He was +pounding his desk and waving his arms in an impassioned appeal to the +Senate. + +"What do you think of him?" whispered Senator K----, of New Jersey, to +the impassive Senator K----, of Pennsylvania. + +"Oh, he can't help it," answered K----. "It's a birth mark." + +"A--what?" + +"A birth mark," repeated K----. "His mother was scared by a windmill." + + + + + THE THREE ASSES + + +In his "Scotch Reminiscences" Dean Ramsay relates that a certain ruling +elder, by the name of David, was well known in the district as a very +shrewd and ready-witted man. He received visits from many people who +liked a banter or were fond of a good joke. One day three young +theological students called on the old man, intending to sharpen their +wits upon him and have some fun at his expense. + +Said the first, "Well, Father Abraham, how are you to-day?" + +"You are wrong," said the second. "This is not Father Abraham. This is +Father Isaac." + +"Tut," said the third, "you are both wrong. This is only Father Jacob, +the originator of the twelve tribes of Israel." + +The old man looked at the young chaps a moment and then said: "I am +neither old Father Abraham, nor old Father Isaac, nor old Father Jacob; +but I am Saul, the son of Kish, seeking his father's asses, and lo! I +have found three of them!" + + + + + IN THE CLASS-ROOM + + +Said the professor to a student, "What is the effect of heat, and what +the effect of cold?" "Heat expands, sir, and cold contracts." + +"Correct. Give some illustrations." "Well," said the boy, "in the +summer, when it is hot, the days are long; and in the winter, when it +is cold, the days are short." + +"How many sides has a circle?" "Two--the inside and the outside." + +"Does an effect ever go before a cause?" "Yes, sir." + +"Give an illustration." "When a man pushes a wheelbarrow----" + +"That will do, sir. Next--Mr. Johnson." + + * * * * * + +A man who was very cross-eyed happened to put his hand into another +man's pocket, and took out his watch. He told the judge that he "only +wanted to know the time." And the judge said it was "Three years." + + + + + OLD MAN SNUCKLES + + +One night after saying her prayers before going to bed, a nine-year-old +girl astonished her mother by innocently asking: + +"Mother, who is Old Man Snuckles?" + +"Why, my child, I never heard of a man by that name." + +"Oh, yes, mother," said the child, "there must be some such man, for I +pray for him every night." + +"Pray for Old Man Snuckles, my child? Why, what do you mean?" + +"Why, yes, mother. You know I pray for God to bless father and mother, +brother and sister and 'Old Man Snuckles.' Who is he?" + +Her mother saw by and by that it meant "All my aunts and uncles!" + + + + + IN SEARCH OF A RESTAURANT + + +Many interesting and amusing stories have been told of the late Judge +Jeremiah Black, an eminent jurist and a very prominent member of +President Buchanan's Cabinet. On one occasion the judge and a legal +friend were coming out of the Capitol at Harrisburg, Pa. The judge was +busy discussing a certain case at law in which he was interested, and +his friend was very hungry. "Say, judge," said he, "let's get something +to eat. I'm awful hungry." "Well," said the judge, "come on. Right down +this street is a good place. I know it well." And they walked on arm in +arm, the judge laying down the law as they proceeded. To the amazement +of the judge they pulled up in front of an engine house! + +"Oh, no," said the judge, laughing, "I've made a mistake. This isn't the +place. Oh--I see. It's right up this street around the corner." Around +the corner they went, walked three blocks and halted in front of a +church! + +Again the judge looked foolish and said: "Oh, no. This isn't the place +either. Let me see. Oh--now I have it. The place I was thinking of is +in--Baltimore!" + +His companion groaned and made a break for the nearest hotel. + + + + + LITERATURE MADE EASY + + +A man wrote to the editor of a small weekly newspaper asking a very +simple question: "How can I get an article into your esteemed paper?" +and the cruel editor wrote in reply: "It all depends on the kind of +article you want to get into our paper. If it is small in bulk, like a +hair-brush or a tea-caddy, for instance, spread the paper out on the +floor nice and smooth, place the article exactly in the center, neatly +fold the edges over it, and tie with a string. This will keep the +article from slipping out. If, on the other hand, the article is an +English bath-tub or a clothes-horse, you will find one of the New York +Sunday papers better suited to your purpose." + + + + + SURE CURE FOR SNORING + + +I was visiting my friend Nicholas von Spoopendyke over in New York. He +has a splendid mansion away uptown, very handsomely furnished. One day +he took me all over the house. His bedroom was beautiful indeed, all +furnished with rich old mahogany polished like a looking-glass. I was +admiring the bed. It was a very old "Napoleon," most finely veneered and +carved, and the bed was faultlessly made up, with a spotless white +counterpane, level as a board and not a wrinkle in sight. Beautiful! + +"That's my white elephant," said Spoopendyke. "I always walk round it +and keep my distance. When I was first married and before I knew the +rules of the house, I sat down on the side of the bed to take off my +shoes--once. I've never done that since. Say--that's a mighty fine bed, +ain't it? For one thing, it always tells me when I'm sick. If I lay down +on that bed in the day-time, and pull the white cover over me, and my +wife doesn't say nothing--then I know I'm a sick man, and the doctor'll +be there in twenty minutes." + +"Say ----" continued Spoopendyke, growing quite confidential, "I had a +queer experience the other night. My wife she says I snore. Well, mebby +I do. Most men do. But women snore, too, and you can't never get 'em to +confess it. Well, I was lying wide awake thinking of some bills I had to +pay--and had no money to pay 'em with--and beside me lay my wife snoring +like all creation. She got higher and louder and louder and higher, till +she waked herself up with a tremendous whoop. Then she kicked +me--thinking it was me that was making the racket. I said nothing, and +she sailed in again--up, up, up she went, higher and higher till she +woke up again at the top and said, 'Nick--stop your blame snoring.' I +said nothing, and she went to work at once again blowing her bugle-horn +till she waked up again. This time she was mad. She got up and said +something about 'getting the fire-extinguisher and turning it loose on +him,' and went off to bed in the next room. I lay still listening and +laughing, as I heard her blowing the fog-horn again. I laughed till I +forgot all about those bills and went to sleep. And the next morning at +the breakfast table when she told me how I kept her awake all night with +my awful snoring--and how even in the next room she couldn't sleep for +the racket I kept up--I just laughed. Tell her? Not a bit of it. What's +the use? She wouldn't believe me, and I couldn't prove it." + + + + + TOO YOUNG + + +"Say, Isaacstein, don't you vant to git married?" + +"For vy shall I hitch me fast mit a wife?" + +"Well, here's an unusually good chance, a clean snap if you look sharp. +You know Levy the banker? Well, he has three daughters, the youngest is +eighteen years old, the next twenty-five and the next thirty. I have +just learned that he will give $10,000 to the man that marries the +youngest, $15,000 to the man that marries the next one, and $20,000 with +the oldest. Why don't you sail in, old man?" + +"Dey are all too young fer me. I vill vait till dey get older. I vant +one about fifty." + + + + + A POOR BUSINESS LOCATION + + +"How iss business?" "Very poor. Noding's doing." "Vell--vy don't you?" +"Mein himmel, how kin I--mit a fire-goompany on von side, a +fire-goompany on de odder side, undt a schwmmin-school on top? I shall +haf to move." + + + + + A TALE OF A SAUSAGE + + +On the way to attend a funeral a country parson stopped to make a call +on one of his members who had the day before done some butchering, after +the old fashion. Before he took his leave the good woman of the house +made him a present of some three yards of newly made sausage, which, +when he came to the church where the service was to be held, he bestowed +for safe-keeping in the pocket of his long-tailed coat. While he was +reading the burial service at the grave, a good-for-nothing dog, +scenting the savory meat, made repeated efforts to dislodge the +treasure, and the preacher was obliged in a very awkward and undignified +manner to punctuate his reading of the service with sundry and numerous +kicks to the rear to save his bacon and chase the dog away. + +After the interment there was a full service in the church, the minister +preaching the sermon in one of those old-fashioned pulpits, stuck +against the wall like a swallow's nest, the approach to the pulpit being +by a corkscrew staircase winding solemnly upward from the chancel. Here +the minister was safe from the assaults of that miserable dog. At least +he thought he was. But--at the conclusion of the service, while he was +standing in the pulpit and looking another way, one of his deacons, +wishing him to make an announcement, quietly and softly tiptoed across +the chancel and slipped up the winding stairway and pulled the parson's +coat-tail to attract his attention. He, supposing it was the dog after +his sausage again, let fly a most vigorous kick, which caught the poor +deacon in the middle of the forehead and knocked him rattling down into +the chancel, the preacher, still looking the other way, and saying, "My +friends, I am sorry for this disturbance, but--I have some sausage in my +pocket and that miserable dog has been following me all this morning +trying to steal it!" + + + + + PUNISHMENT MADE SURE + + +It is an old story, but a good one--that of the two Germans who went +into Delmonico's to get something to eat. They ordered a very simple +supper. They had a good beefsteak, fried potatoes, bread and butter, and +coffee, and were astounded when the waiter handed them a bill for four +dollars and a half. They paid the bill, and when they reached the street +one of them began to swear at "Dot man Delmonico. He is a robber and a +thief." His companion, however, gently laying a hand on his shoulder, +said, "Hermann, do not schwear. It iss wicked to schwear. Pesides, Gott +has ponished dat man Delmonico alretty." "Wie?" was the response. "How +has Gott ponished him?" "Hermann," said the other with quiet assurance, +"Gott has ponished him. I have my pockets full mit his spoons!" + + + + + A BASHFUL BRIDEGROOM + + +He was a clerk in a hardware store, and she was a chambermaid in a +hotel. When they came to the parsonage one afternoon to be married, they +were very kindly received. The minister's wife took the bride upstairs +to take off her things, and the minister took the groom into the parlor. + +The groom was very nervous--and suddenly asked the minister whether he +couldn't "marry him while the bride was upstairs, and then marry her +when she came down?" But the minister assured him that it was necessary +that the bride should be present, and that they should both be married +at the same time. And so they were married. + +Two hours later, while making a call at the hotel, he found the bride at +her work, and when he asked her how that was, and whether her husband +had also gone back to his work at the store, she replied: + +"Oh, bless you, no, sir; he's gone off on his honeymoon!" + + + + + A KICKIN' + + +A newspaper correspondent, writing to his paper from the mountain region +of Eastern Tennessee about twenty-five years ago, had the following to +say: + +"These mountain people have some occasional times of recreation. I was +at one recently. A few days ago I received an invitation to 'a Kickin'.' +In this neighborhood every well-regulated family has a clumsy, +old-fashioned loom to weave the wool of the mountain sheep into fabrics +for home consumption. Some of this material requires to be fulled, and +to do this 'a Kickin'' is instituted, and it was to one of these +gatherings that your correspondent was invited. It was held at one of +the houses, common in this section, with a big fireplace and no windows, +located on the banks of the Spillcorn Branch. The envoy with the +invitation was diplomatic. 'Hev ye ever bin to a Kickin' afore?' queried +he. I told him I had, and I had, too, in Pennsylvania at that, and the +only one I ever saw before. 'Would ye like to go to one of our Kickin's +down yere?' I responded that it would certainly afford me great +pleasure. 'Then,' said the mountaineer, 'they're a-goin' to hev a +Kickin' over in Spillcorn to-night, an' you kin come over.' + +"Not wanting to miss the overture, I went early. The house was unusually +large and had one room, with a bed in each corner. Quite a number of +strapping boys and girls had collected, and everything bore the aspect +of a funeral. The Kickers were ranged around on chairs with that owlish +silence that goes with awkwardness and having nothing to say. Presently +one of the girls whispered something to another girl near by her, and +they slipped out by the back door, and then every girl in the house +broke for the door like a lot of sheep going through a gap in the fence. +Then the masculine tongue broke loose and Babel reigned, until a few +minutes later, when the girls came in, and the funeral was resumed. I +sat in one corner with my chair tilted back, taking observations, when +not engaged in fighting off a human gad-fly who was pestering me with +questions of national politics. + +"Presently the old woman said they might as well begin. If there was +silence before, pandemonium broke loose now, and everybody was +electrified. The old man went out on the porch and rolled in a web of +coarse woolen fabric, containing a hundred yards or more, and unrolled +it in a loose pile on the floor. Then the boys and girls took off their +shoes and stockings. The boys rolled up their pantaloons as far as they +could get them, while they arranged fourteen chairs in a circle in the +middle of the floor, with the pile of goods in the center. The old +woman, who looked for all the world like one of the witches in Macbeth, +poured gourdfull after gourdfull of hot water on the material, until it +was soaking wet, and then daubed soft soap with a liberal hand over the +whole. + +"Then the Kickers sat down, boys and girls alternating. The girls +gathered up their skirts and sat down on them. They had a bed-cord, with +the ends tied so that when the Kickers were seated they could grasp this +rope, which was passed around from hand to hand, and hold on while they +kicked. + +"Everybody now was talking at once, and the confusion was that of a +madhouse. The gad-fly yelled at me that if 'Pennsylvany went Dimmycratic +it was all gone to the dogs'--and the kicking began. + +"It will be seen that it required constant and vigorous attention to +business, pounding that sloppy mass of woolen with bare feet, until +everything rattled, to keep it from being kicked over on those who were +disposed to be slow. Twenty-eight naked feet would be kicking into the +pile with all the rapidity and strength their owners possessed, while +the soapsuds flew up to the rafters. + +"Everybody laughed, and yelled, and screamed, and kicked till their +faces grew red and their eyes fairly stood out in their heads. The floor +grew as slippery as soap and water could make it, and every now and +then some chair would slip and its occupant sit down suddenly on the +floor, and, holding on to the rope, would pull the whole crowd over in a +floundering, laughing, yelling pile. + +"Then everybody would pant and take a rest and sit down again. The girls +would hitch up their impedimenta to a safer distance, and the +performance would begin all over again, and thus with relays for two +hours. Only one accident occurred. There was one big fat girl they +called Loweezy, who looked like a human featherbed with a string tied +around it. Louisa was doing her level best to kick the pile over on her +opposite, and had gathered both feet and let fly like a pile-driver, and +was about to repeat the operation, when, at the critical moment, her +chair shot out backward and Louisa sat down in a puddle of soapsuds, +with what Augusta Evans in one of her novels calls a sound like the +wreck of matter and the crash of worlds. What little breath was in her +was knocked out, and it was unknown for a brief space whether it would +ever get back. But she got up, and was duly escorted by her female +companions to the back porch for needed repairs. The old man threw a few +more pine-knots on the fire, and Louisa returned and spread herself +before the cheerful blaze in a manner calculated to do the most good. +Then when everybody was tired out the work was pronounced completed, the +wreck was cleaned off the floor, and supper prepared." + + + + + HE WARNED HER + + +Last summer the congregation of a little kirk in the highlands of +Scotland was greatly disturbed and mystified by the appearance in its +midst of an old English lady, who made use of an ear trumpet during the +sermon, such an instrument being entirely unknown in those simple parts. +There was much discussion of the matter, and it was finally decided that +one of the elders, who had great local reputation as a man of parts, +should be deputed to settle the question. On the next Sabbath the +unconscious offender again made her appearance and again produced the +trumpet, whereupon the chosen elder rose from his seat and marched down +the aisle to where the old lady sat, and, entreating her with an +upraised finger, said sternly: "The first toot an' ye're oot!" + + + + + INCORRIGIBLE + + +The teacher in a public school had an incorrigible girl to deal with, +and for the twentieth time had taken her aside for a little +heart-to-heart talk on the subject of conduct, and was apparently making +a good impression on the child's mind, for she was attentive and +observant as she never had been before, not taking her eyes off the +teacher's face while she was talking, so that the teacher was inwardly +congratulating herself, until the scholar broke in with: + +"Why, Miss Mary Jane, when you talk your upper jaw doesn't move a bit!" + + + + + A DUTCH CONUNDRUM + + +A number of gentlemen from different parts of the country were lodging +at one of the hotels in Atlantic City. It was their custom to amuse +themselves at table by relating anecdotes and conundrums. One of the +men, a Pennsylvania Dutchman, was always greatly delighted at these +jokes and laughed louder than the rest, but never related anything +himself. He couldn't think of anything to say, and being so much rallied +for his standing failure to contribute to the general fund, he +determined that the next time he was called on he would have something +to relate. So he went to one of the waiters and asked him if he knew any +good jokes or conundrums. The waiter said he did, and gave him the +following: + +"It is my father's child, and my mother's child, and yet it is not my +sister or my brother," telling him at the same time that it was himself. + +Hans bore it well in mind, and the next day at dinner he suddenly burst +out with, "I've got a conundrum for you!" "Let's have it!" exclaimed his +companions. + +"Vell--here it iss. It iss my fader's child, and it iss my mudder's +child, and yet it wass not my sister nor my brudder. Now, vat wass dot?" + +"Then it must be yourself," said one of the company. And they all said +the same. But Hans laughed them all to scorn, saying, "Diss time I +cotched you. I got you now. You wass all wrong. It wass der waiter." + + + + + ROUGH ON THE DEACON + + +The Reverend Dr. John was a country minister and was very fond of +hunting rabbits. One fall day he was out in a field along the public +road at his favorite pastime, and had located a rabbit. Just then he +spied one of his deacons coming down the road. Thinking to play a trick +on the deacon, he pulled up the collar of the old coat he was wearing, +drew down the rim of his slouch hat, humped together and made himself as +unrecognizable as possible. He then turned his back to the road and +began to take a very deliberate aim. The deacon was interested. He +stopped in the road. He walked over to the fence, and leaning on the top +rail, he called out, "Give him h----l!" The Reverend gentleman shot the +rabbit, and then turned around--but the deacon was off on a run, nor +could the minister get anywhere near him for six weeks. + + + + + RABBITS ENOUGH + + +The same Reverend Dr. John was fond of telling a good story about a +neighboring minister who served a people living up "along the blue +mountain." Rabbits were very plentiful up in that section, and in the +fall of the year when this minister went on a round of pastoral +visitation amongst his people, they fed him on rabbits wherever he came. +It was rabbits in the morning, rabbits at noon, rabbits at night--fried +rabbit, stewed rabbit, roasted rabbit--till the poor parson was so +utterly sick of the fare that he composed a special grace at table, +which ran somewhat after this fashion: + + "Rabbits young and rabbits old, + Rabbits hot and rabbits cold, + Rabbits tender and rabbits tough-- + I thank Thee, O Lord, I've had rabbits enough!" + + + + + COLORED APOSTLES + + +The darkey preacher and one of his deacons fell to discussing the +color-line amongst the apostles. The deacon maintained that "all de +'postles was cullud pussons, 'cause don't you see, Bruddah, dat de Holy +Lan' is 'bout de same latitude as Africa, an' dey all jist muss a bin +cullud." But the parson was of a contrary opinion, declaring that while +"O' co'se some on 'em mout a bin cullud, dey wa'n't all dat a way. Dar, +fer 'sample, was Saint Paul--he mout a bin cullud, but den dar war Saint +Petah, he wa'n't. I know he wa'n't." "An' how you know dat, Bruddah?" +queried the deacon. "Wa'll, deacon," said the preacher, "Saint Petah +nevah was a cullud pusson, 'case if he had a bin cullud dat dar rooster +wouldn't a crowed more'n onct." + + + + + NEAR THE END OF HIS JOURNEY + + +A distinguished lawyer and politician was traveling with a pass on a +train, when an Irish woman came into the car lugging along a big basket +and a bundle, and sat down near him. When the conductor came in to +collect the fares, the woman paid her money, and the conductor passed by +the lawyer without collecting anything. The good woman looked at him +and said, "An' faith, an' why is it that the conductor takes the money +of a poor Irishwoman, an' don't ask ye for anything, an' ye seem to be a +rich mon?" The lawyer replied, "My good woman, I am traveling on my +beauty." The woman looked at him more carefully for a moment, and said, +"An' is that so? An' then, sure, you must be near your journey's end." + + + + + BOO! + + +A Virginia farmer was trying to train a small horse for a saddle-horse +for his daughter, and was riding the animal up and down the road past a +haystack. In order to accustom the horse to sudden fright, he directed +his son to hide behind the haystack and jump out as he rode by and say, +"Boo!" The boy did so, and the horse reared and plunged till he had +thrown the rider on the roadside and ran away. The old man picked +himself up, cut a switch from a handy hedge, and was about to chastise +the boy. When the boy expostulated, declaring that he had only done what +he had been directed to do, the old man said, "Yes, I know you did, but +you let out altogether too big a Boo for such a small horse!" + + + + + A GREAT COUNTRY + + +They tried hard, but they couldn't get the Yankee tourist to admit that +he saw anything in Europe that could beat things at home. When he passed +from Italy to Switzerland, they asked him whether he had noticed the +magnificence of the Alps, and he acknowledged, "Waal, now, come to think +of it, I guess I did pass some risin' ground." And before this they had +showed him Vesuvius, and asked him what he thought of that, and whether +there was anything in his country could equal it. And he said, "Pooh! +Why, we've got a waterfall in my country so big that if you had it here +and turned it into your burning mountain, it would put out all that fire +in just six seconds." + +An American-born Irishman paid a visit to the home of his ancestors, and +they proudly showed him the lakes of Killarney. "Killarney, is it?" +said he. "We've got lakes in America so big that you could take all the +lakes in Ireland an' throw 'em in, and it wouldn't raise the water an +inch. An' as fer yer city o' Dublin--let me tell ye, me friend, we've +got States over there so big that ye could put Dublin away in one corner +of 'em, an' ye'd never know it was there, except for the smell o' the +whiskey." + +These honored citizens could well appreciate the toast--"The United +States: bounded on the east by primeval chaos; on the north by the +Aurora borealis; on the west by the precession of the equinoxes, and on +the south by the Day of Judgment!" + + + + + FARM ACCIDENTS + + +A Larimer County farmer lost a valuable cow in a very unusual and +distressing manner. The animal, in rummaging through a summer kitchen, +found and swallowed an old umbrella and a cake of yeast. The yeast, +fermenting in the poor beast's stomach, raised the umbrella and she died +in great agony. + +The same day another accident happened. A pan of cream had been left +standing in the spring house, and a frog had fallen in and couldn't get +out. He swam and swam around and around, but could get no foothold to +climb out. So he stopped swimming and took to kicking instead. He kicked +and he kicked till he had kicked the cream into butter, and then climbed +out readily. + + + + + A WONDERFUL CLIMATE + + +Dan Marble was once strolling along the wharves in Boston, when he met a +tall, gaunt man, a digger from California, and got into conversation +with him about that wonderful State. + +"Healthy climate, I suppose?" inquired Dan. + +"Healthy? Well, I reckon I should say so, stranger. Why, d'ye know, out +there you can choose any kind o' climate you like, hot or cold or mejum, +an' that, too, without traveling more'n fifteen minutes. They've got +weather on tap out there, so to speak, sizz or frizz, accordin' to taste +an' preference. There's a mountain there--the Sary Nevady, they call +it--one side hot an' one side cold. Well--get up on top o' that mountain +with a double-barrel gun, an' you can, without movin', kill either +winter or summer game, jest as you wish." + +"What! And have you tried it?" + +"Tried it often, an' would have done some remarkable shootin', but jest +for one thing." + +"And what was that?" + +"Well, I wanted a dog, you see, that could stand both climates. The last +dog I had froze his tail off pintin' on the summer side. He was on the +Great Divide, you see, nose on the summer side, tail on the winter side, +an' his tail froze right off before I could shoot." + + + + + HE CUT IT SHORT + + +Garrigan was the name of the new station agent. He was an Irishman, of +course, and magnified his office by sending in to headquarters very +lengthy telegraphic despatches giving very minute details of the many +accidents that happened to the trains at his station. Headquarters, at +length wearying of the man's unnecessary prolixity, instructed him to +cut out all superfluous particulars and to confine himself to +essentials only. "Cut it out?" said he, "an' sure that I will the very +next time an accident happens, or me name isn't Garrigan." The next day +some cars went off the track--they were always going off the track at +his station--and as soon as they were made all right, he wired +headquarters a laconic despatch, in the very rhythm of which one can +hear the rumble of the car-wheels: "Off again; on again; gone again. +Garrigan!" + + + + + NOT GOOD LOOKING + + +A man was buying a horse of a French Canadian. He looked the animal over +carefully. The Frenchman said, "He not look ver' goot, but he is a goot +horse." The purchaser, not setting much store by the man's judgment of +good looks in a horse, and saying that he didn't care for appearance +provided other things were all right, bought the animal. Next day he +brought the horse back, saying that he was blind of an eye, and demanded +his money back, but the Frenchman said, "Non! Vot I tell you? Did I not +say zat he not look goot?" + +One day when Mrs. Van Auken installed a Chinaman in her kitchen, the +following conversation took place: "What is your name, sir?" asked Mrs. +Van Auken. "Oh, my namee Ah Sin Foo!" "But I can't remember all that +lingo, my man. I'll call you Jimmy." "Velly welle. Now whachee namee I +callee you?" "Well, my name is Mrs. Van Auken. Call me that." "Oh, me +can no membel Missee Yanne Auken. Too big piecee namee. I callee you +Tommy--Missee Tommy." + + + + + A FLANK MOVEMENT + + +At a Camp Fire of the Grand Army of the Republic a comrade, being called +on for a speech, got up and said, "Now, boys, you all know I can't make +a speech; I never could. And the Commander shouldn't have called on me +to get up. I feel now like my brother Sam felt, one summer night, when +he hadn't anything particular to do. He wandered into a Methodist +prayer-meeting and sat down near the door in one of those high-backed +old-fashioned pews. He had no idea that he'd be called on to say +anything, or he wouldn't have gone near, but what did the blame preacher +do when he spied Sam but call on him to pray! Sam was nearly scared to +death. He didn't know what to do; but when he saw all the congregation +getting down on their hunkers between the pews where they couldn't see +him, and the door was open, he heard the bugle call to "Retreat," got +down on all fours and turned turtle, and crawled out of that church on a +double quick, and skipped for Home, sweet Home." + + + + + A LONELY PLACE + + +"Mamma," said a little girl, "George Washington never told a lie, did +he?" Being so assured, she continued: "And I guess pretty nearly +everybody else did?" This being likewise admitted as probable, she went +on, "I guess even father sometimes tells a fib, doesn't he?" It was hard +to admit that, but it had to be. "And, mamma, you tell some once in a +while? I know I do." When this was also reluctantly confessed, the child +drew a sigh and said, "Oh, mamma! What a lonely place Heaven will be, +with nobody in it but God and George Washington!" + + + + + THE PRICE OF A DOG + + +A man had a dog, and the dog was such a poor, miserable cur that +everybody wondered at the attachment of the man to such a beast. One day +in the barroom of a tavern a number of young men were rallying him on +his dog, and wanted to know how much he'd take for his pet. The man said +that he loved that dog so much that he couldn't think of parting with +him--he "wouldn't take twenty dollars for that dog." His tormentors, +knowing him to be thoroughly conscientious, although poor, and that when +he had given his word he would never go back on it, got together forty +silver half-dollars, piled them up on the bar, and called on him to +decide whether he would rather have that miserable dog or all that pile +of silver? "No, gentlemen," said he, walking up to the bar and counting +the money carefully, "I stick to what I said. I won't take twenty +dollars for Pete. It's too much. Nineteen dollars and a half is every +cent he's worth. The dog is yours." Leaving one half-dollar on the bar, +he scooped the other thirty-nine into his hat. + + + + + WHY THE HAWKEYE MAN COULDN'T PAY + +Iowa, 12, 3, '06. + +Dear Sir:--Your sumptuous letter received, and in reply will say that +they come frequently, and it would have afforded the boys much amusement +had not the melancholy thought come with it that you had no better sense +than to abuse, slander and dun a gentleman. + +You speak of honor, if you are honorable you know not whereof you speak. +You also speak of causing me much trouble, my land, I have already +trouble enough to send a whole brigade of you wise boys over the road +fifty times. I will give you a history of this case, and if you are +surprised at my actions in regard to your claim for 10.00 you are +undoubtedly the worst set of misers on earth. + +To begin with in 1891 I bought a restaurant on credit. In 1892 I bought +an OX team, a timber cart, a pair of Texas ponies, a gold watch, a +breech-loading shotgun, A repeating rifle, A milk cow, A pair of fine +hogs, and a set of books all on the instalment plan, and hired hands to +dig a fish pond. In 1905 my restaurant burned flat to the ground and +never left me a thing, one of my ponies died and I hired the other one +to an infernal, insignificant drummer. He killed him driving him too +hard. Then I joined the farmers alliance and Methodist church, and took +advantage of the homestead exemption and honest debtors' relief law, and +then had my applycation wrote out to join the masons. In the latter part +of 1905 my father died and my mother married a Mexican. And my brother +Bud was lynched for horse stealing. My sister choked to death on a +button and I had to pay her funeral expenses. + +In 1905 I got burned out again, and I took to drink and soon went +through with the interest on what I owed, which was all I had left. My +wife run away and left me all the children to take care of. I don't care +for anybody and nothing surprises me any more. Now if you feel like +tackeling me pitch in, I'll have to stand it, I suppose. But let me give +you a gentle tip, getting money out of me is like stuffing butter in a +keyhole with a hot awl. + +You speak of making no effort to adjust this bill; what is the use? If +steam boats were worth two cents apiece I couldn't buy a gang plank. You +ask if I thought it would of been more manly to of acknowledged the +truth. I answer no, by the way, I don't expect anything but to be +pestered by lawyers, collection sharks and other humbugs and grafters, +until this pestilence relieves me from their clutches. Be for I die I am +going to Petition heigh heaven for a shower of fire and destruction on +the whole bunch. And I will particular pray that the storm spend most of +its fury on that southern hamlet where you claim to get your mail. + +Maliciously and disrespectfully yours, + +----. + + + + + THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT + + +Father had bought and planted a number of dwarf pear trees in the yard +around the house. He watched their growth and development with great +interest for several years, and when at last one of the trees produced +just one pear, all the children in the house were straitly and strictly +forbidden to pull that pear off the tree. "Whoever pulls that pear off +the tree will get a whipping, and a good one." + +The pear grew larger daily, and riper and more lusciously tempting. How +the sight of it made our mouths water--especially as it was forbidden to +pull it off! However, some one of the children, carefully reasoning that +it was not forbidden to touch the pear, nor even to eat it, only that it +must not be "pulled off"--bent down the limb that bore it, ate the juicy +fruit, and left the core hanging on the tree! + + + + + KEEN CUTTERS + + +They were sitting opposite me in the smoking car, two traveling +salesmen, having a quiet game of cards and sharpening their wits between +deals with quips, quirks and conundrums. + +"You come from Kalamazoo, I believe?" queried the one. + +"Yep," said the other, "best old town on the earth." + +"D'ye know," drawled the Boston man, "what we Boston people call the +people that live in your town?" + +"Nope, an' we don't care much, neither. But, just by way of +conversation, may I inquire what you call 'em?" + +"We call 'em a zoo. See?" + +"Yep, I see," said the Kalamazoo man. "And do you know and can you tell +me what kind o' people live in your town of Boston?" + +"Best and smartest people on earth," was the emphatic answer. + +"Well," was the response, "out my way we say that people that live in +Boston are nothing but human beans. See? Cut for a new deal." + + + + + NAMING THE APOSTLES + + +After a dinner in one of the most hospitable residences in Washington, a +party of very distinguished men--Cabinet ministers, senators, diplomats, +scientists and soldiers--sat in the smoking-room, and the conversation +drifted from politics to religious questions. Somebody remarked that he +once sat in the Union League Club in New York, with Roscoe Conkling, +Chester A. Arthur and several other distinguished gentlemen who had been +carefully educated in religious families, and that none of them was able +to name the Twelve Apostles. + +"That's easy," said a senator brashly, beginning: "Matthew, Mark, Luke +and John, bless the bed that I lie on, Paul, the two Jameses, Jude, +Barnabas--" and there he stopped with some embarrassment. + +"Timothy," suggested a major-general, who was a vestryman in an +Episcopal Church. + +"Nonsense," answered a senator. "Timothy was a disciple of Paul's. He +wasn't one of the Twelve Apostles." + +"Nicodemus," added one of the company. + +"Jeremiah," suggested another. + +"Judas was one of the apostles," meekly came from a voice in a corner. + +"I'll be blamed if he was. He was a disciple, so far I'll go, but no +farther," was the curt reply. + +"Weren't the disciples and the apostles the same thing?" inquired the +meek voice, getting a little bolder. + +Bartholomew was next suggested, and accepted by several. + +"What's the matter with Peter?" exclaimed a modest young member of the +Diplomatic Corps who had hitherto been silent. + +"How many does that make?" somebody asked, and they counted up eleven +for sure, with as many more doubtful. + +"Lets look in the Bible," some one suggested, and the Good Book was +overhauled in vain. Nobody could find the place, some insisting it was +in Chronicles somewhere, while other authorities were equally certain of +Corinthians. Then an encyclopedia was appealed to, but it was not +entirely satisfactory, for it included Thomas and Andrew in the list, +and that would make one too many--thirteen, an unlucky number. Besides, +the justice of the Supreme Court and two senators were positive that +Andrew was not an apostle--all of which teaches the great usefulness and +the pressing need of Sunday-schools. + + + + + THE REAR GUARD + + +Artemus Ward was traveling on a slow-going southern road soon after the +war. While the conductor was punching his ticket, Artemus remarked: +"Does this railroad company allow passengers to give it advice, if they +do so in a respectful manner?" The conductor replied in gruff tones that +he guessed so. "Well," Artemus went on, "it has occurred to me that it +would be well, perhaps, to detach the cow-catcher from the front of the +engine and hitch it to the rear of the train. For, you see, we are not +likely to overtake a cow; but what's to prevent a cow strolling into +this car and biting the passengers?" + + + + + THE TURKEY WAS TAME + + +A gentleman who was buying a turkey from old Uncle Ephraim asked him, in +making the purchase, if it was a tame turkey. + +"Oh, yais, sir; it's a tame tu'key all right." + +"Now, Ephraim, are you sure it's a tame turkey?" + +"Oh, yais, sir; dere's no so't o' doubt 'bout dat. It's a tame tu'key +all right." + +He consequently bought the turkey, and a day or two later, when eating +it, came across several shot. Later on, when he met old Ephraim on the +street, he said: + +"Well, Ephraim, you told me that was a tame turkey, but I found some +shot in it when I was eating it." + +"Oh, dat war a tame tu'key all right," was Uncle Ephraim's reiterated +rejoinder, "but de fac' is, boss, I's gwine to tell yer in confidence, +dat dem 'ere shot was intended for me." + + + + + BOOMERANG STORIES + + +During the Civil War a German cavalryman, Hans von Gelder by name, on +coming into camp saw at a distance a squad of men who were apparently +greatly interested or excited about something. + +"Vat's der matter oud dere?" asked Hans. + +"Shelling," was the laconic answer. + +"Shellin'? Who was giffin' us fits now? Whose gommand is makin' dot +shellin'?" + +"It's General R----'s command shelling corn for the horses." When Hans +finally grasped the idea, he laughed long and loud and determined to +make some one else the victim of the jest. Upon returning to his tent he +wakened his sleeping comrade and exclaimed: + +"Say, I haf got von goot shoke." + +"You couldn't get off a joke, Hans, to save your soul." + +"Vell, now, you ask me vat dem fellers are doin' ofer dere, undt I vill +tell you dot shoke." + +"Well, what air they doin' over there?" + +"Dey vas shellin' corn for dere hosses. Haw! haw! haw!" + +"But that hain't no joke." + +"Dond id?" asked Hans in surprise. "Vell, if id dond now, it used to +pe." + + * * * * * + +Sam Ward was once seated opposite a well-known senator at a dinner in +Washington. The senator was very bald, and the light shining brilliantly +on the breadth of his scalp attracted Ward's attention. + +"Can you tell me," said he to his neighbor, "why that senator's head is +like Alaska?" + +"I'm sure I don't know," was the answer. + +"Because it is a great white bear place." + +The man was immensely tickled and he at once hailed the senator across +the table: + +"Say, senator, Ward's just got off a good thing about you." + +"What is it? Let's have it." + +"Do you know why your bald head is like Alaska?" + +"No. Give it up." + +"Because it is a great place for white bears." + + * * * * * + +The following, gentle reader, is given place here purely for the benefit +of the next generation: + +In a certain court in the good State of Maine, once upon a time, the +proceedings were delayed by the failure of a witness by the name of +Sarah Mony to arrive. After waiting a long time for Sarah, the court +concluded to wait no longer, and his Honor, wishing to crack his little +joke, remarked: + +"The Court will adjourn without Sarah--Mony." + +Everybody laughed except one man who sat in solemn meditation for five +full minutes, and then burst out into a hearty guffaw, "I see it! I see +it!" + +He laughed all the way home, and when he arrived there he tried to tell +the joke to his wife, saying that he had been down in the court-house, +and they were trying a case, and there was a witness wanted who didn't +turn up, and her name was Mary Mony, and so the judge said, "We'll +adjourn without Mary Mony--" Ha, ha, ha! + +And then his wife said she didn't see anything funny in that, and he +said, "I know it, I know it. I didn't at first either. But you will in +about five minutes." + + * * * * * + +"Say, Jenks, old boy," said one man to another on the street, "here's a +good one: What's the difference between me and a donkey?" + +"Well--what is the difference?" + +"Measuring by my eye, I should say it was about three feet." + +Jenks, thinking that too good to be lost, carried it home to his wife. +"Say, Maria," said he, "what's the difference between me and a donkey?" +And the cruel woman with a merry laugh answered, "Not a particle of +difference!" + + + + + A PROMISING BUSINESS BOY + + +That was certainly a very enterprising Chicago lad who was found selling +tickets to the children in his neighborhood, at a nickel apiece, the +tickets entitling the holder to view the eclipse from his mother's back +yard. + + + + + HE DIDN'T GET IT IN THE NECK + + +Among the visitors at a Dog Show at Atlantic City, N. J., was a very +tall man who complained to an exhibitor that his dog, a very diminutive +specimen, had bitten him on the ankle. The exhibitor looked the man +over, and then said with a charming down-East drawl: + +"Well, stranger, I reckon you are about six feet tall. This here dog o' +mine ain't more'n six inches high. He bit you on the ankle, did he? +Well, I'm sorry, but you couldn't naturally expect so small a dog to +bite you on the neck." + + + + + A HARD WITNESS + + +"Do you know the prisoner well?" asked the attorney. + +"Never knew him sick," replied the witness. + +"Come--no levity," said the lawyer sternly. "Now, sir, did you ever see +the prisoner at the bar?" + +"Took many a drink with him at the bar." + +"Answer my question," yelled the lawyer. "How long have you known the +prisoner?" + +"From two feet up to five feet ten inches." + +"Will the Court please make the----" + +"I have, Jedge," said the witness, anticipating the lawyer. "I have +answered his question. I knowed the prisoner when he was a boy two feet +long and a man five feet ten." + +"Your Honor----" + +"It's a fact, Jedge, and I'm under oath," persisted the witness. The +lawyer arose, placed both hands on the table in front of him, spread his +legs apart, leaned his body over the table and said: + +"Will you tell the Court what you know about this case?" + +"That ain't his name," answered the witness. + +"What ain't his name?" + +"Why, Case." + +"Who said it was?" + +"You did, just now. You wanted to know what I knew about this Case. His +name is Smith." + +"Your Honor," howled the lawyer, pulling his beard, "will you make the +witness answer my questions?" + +"Witness," said the judge, "you must answer the questions put to you." + +"Land o' Goshen! Hain't I been doin' it, Jedge? Let the blame cuss fire +away, I'm ready." + +"Then," said the lawyer, "don't beat about the bush any more. You and +the prisoner have been friends?" + +"Never." + +"What! wasn't you summoned here as a friend?" + +"No, sir. I was summoned here as a Presbyterian. Nary one of us ever was +friends. He's a old-line Baptist without a drop o' Quaker blood in +him." + +"Stand down," yelled the lawyer in disgust. + +"Hey?" + +"Stand down!" + +"Can't do it. I kin set down, ef ye want me to, or I kin stand up, but I +can't stand down." + +"Sheriff--remove this man from the box." + +Witness retires muttering: "Well, if he ain't the thick-headedest cuss I +ever laid eyes on." + + + + + IMPOSSIBLE--BUT FUNNY + + +The Board of Councilmen in a Mississippi town voted the following +resolutions at one of their meetings: + +"First--Resolved by this council, that we build a new jail. + +"Second--Resolved that the new jail be built out of the materials of the +old jail. + +"Third--Resolved that the old jail be used till the new jail is +finished." + +This is something like the account an Irish sailor once gave of the +execution of a negro on the west coast of Africa. He told how the +negro's hands were tied behind his back, and how the executioner cut the +man's head off at one clip, and how the headless man stooped down, +seized his bloody head and set it up on his neck where it was before! +When some bystander remarked that such a thing was impossible, for "How +could the man pick up his head from the ground when his hands were tied +behind his back?" "Begorry," was the answer, "he done it wid his teeth!" + + + + + RURAL JUSTICE + + +It occurred years ago in the mountain regions in Eastern Tennessee. Some +of the natives had been gambling in a tobacco barn, and one of the +neighbors, in the interest of good morals, had them up "afore the +justice" for it. The squire had a lank specimen of humanity before him +and was examining him. + +"Now, Zeke, you tell us what you know about this here gamblin'." + +"Wot gamblin'?" + +"Why, this here gamblin' at Jamison's barn." + +"At Jamison's barn?" + +"Yes, at Jamison's barn. You was there. Now, what do you know about this +gamblin'?" + +"Gamblin' at Jamison's barn? Who said there was any gamblin'?" + +"Was you at Jamison's?" + +"Was I?" + +"Yes. Was you there?" + +"Where?" + +"At Jamison's barn." + +"Ye--s. I wuz thar off an' on ever sence it wuz built." + +"Was you there last week?" + +"Wot--in the barn?" + +"I don't know. Was they a-gamblin' there?" + +"Wuz who a-gamblin'?" + +"That's what I want to know. Was anybody a-gamblin'?" + +"A-gamblin'--where?" + +"At Jamison's barn. Did you see them gamblin'?" + +"Did I see them gamblin', d'ye say?" + +"Yes. Was you in close proximity to them a-gamblin'?" + +"Zimmity--Zimmity. See here, square, what's this here ye're a-givin' me. +Don't you go to projeckin around me that a way. I'm a mountain man, I +am, an' I ain't to be fooled with nohow." + +"I asked, Zeke, did you see anybody a-gamblin' or not a-gamblin'?" + +"Where?" + +"At Jamison's barn last week." + +"Did I see anybody a-gamblin' last week----" + +"Yes, now; that's it." + +"Yes. I see some a-gamblin' last week." + +"Ah! now we're comin' to it. Who was it you saw a-gamblin' last week?" + +"Why, don't you know, you an' me an' Bill was playin' keerds at the +mill----" + +"Oh--pshaw! I don't mean that. Was anybody gamblin' at Jamison's?" + +"Wot--at Jamison's?" + +This went on for a full hour, and it all came to one thing. Nobody knew +anything about it, and after some talk a weazen-faced, dried-up old man, +who had been whittling a piece of bark, said: + +"Square, there ain't been nothin' a-proved, and this here case must be +stopped. I'll pay the costs." + +"Well," said the magistrate, "there ain't been nothin' proved up, an' if +you'll pay the costs of one sixty, I'll call this here case a Nolly +Prossy." + +And then the old man said, "All right, square. Here's yer money fer the +costs. I don't mind about payin' 'em seein' as how I won the whole pot +anyways." + + * * * * * + +Let a vote be taken for the wisest man, and every fool will vote for +himself. + + + + + PURE SCOTCH + + +Andrew Carnegie, in the smoke-room of the Baltic, talked about Scotch +whisky. + +"It is a pure but a powerful spirit," he said, smiling. "In Peebles the +other day they told me a good story about it. + +"It seems that a Peebles lawyer and his clerk had been to a wedding of +the real, old-fashioned sort. On the way home the lawyer said, as they +were crossing the famous Peebles iron bridge: + +"'Noo, Saunders, mon, I'll juist gang on ahead a meenit, an' ye'll tell +me if I'm walkin' straucht.' + +"So the lawyer walked ahead, and then called back: + +"'Straucht, Saunders?' + +"'Straucht's a die,' Saunders answered; 'but--hic--wha's that wi' ye?'" + + + + + WHY HE WAS A DEMOCRAT + + +"The old teacher in one of the smaller schools near my native town of +Peekskill," said Senator Depew, "had drilled a number of his brightest +scholars in the history of contemporary politics, and to test their +faith and their knowledge he called upon three of them one day and +demanded a declaration of personal political principles. + +"You are a Republican, Tom, are you not?" inquired he of the first. +"Yes, sir," was the answer. "And, Bill, you are a Prohibitionist, I +believe?" "Yes, sir," said Bill. "And, Jim, you are a Democrat?" "Yes, +sir," said Jim. + +"Well, now," continued the teacher, "the one of you that gives the best +reason why he belongs to his party can have this live woodchuck which I +caught on my way to school this morning." + +"I am a Republican," said the first boy, "because the Republican party +saved the country in the war and abolished slavery." + +"And I am a Prohibitionist," rattled off the second youth, "because rum +is our country's greatest enemy, and the cause of our over-crowded +prisons and poorhouses." + +"Very excellent reasons, boys, very excellent reasons," observed the +teacher encouragingly. "And, now, Jim, why are you a Democrat?" + +"Well, sir," was the slow reply, "I am a Democrat because I want that +woodchuck!" + + + + + FINALLY THE WORM TURNED + + +A muscular Irishman strolled into the Civil Service examination-room +where candidates for the police force are put to a physical test. + +"Strip," ordered the police surgeon. + +"What's that?" demanded the uninitiated. + +"Get your clothes off, and be quick about it," said the doctor. + +The Irishman disrobed, and permitted the doctor to measure his chest and +legs and to pound his back. + +"Hop over this bar," ordered the doctor. + +The man did his best, landing on his back. + +"Now double up your knees and touch the floor with your hands." + +He sprawled, face downward, on the floor. He was indignant but silent. + +"Jump under this cold shower," ordered the doctor. + +"Sure, that's funny!" muttered the applicant. + +"Now run around the room ten times to test your heart and wind," +directed the doctor. + +The candidate rebelled. "I'll not. I'll sthay single." + +"Single?" asked the doctor, surprised. + +"Sure," said the Irishman, "what's all this fussing got to do with a +marriage license!" + +He had strayed into the wrong bureau. + + * * * * * + +A number of mischievous boys on their way to drive the cows home from +pasture one evening, passing by the low and lonely cabin occupied by a +poor old woman, hearing some one talking within, peeped through the +window and saw the poor old body on her knees before the wide +old-fashioned chimney. She was pitifully beseeching God to send her +bread. The boys thinking it would be a good joke, ran back home and got +some loaves of bread. The old lady was praying still for bread when they +returned, all out of breath. They climbed up on the roof quietly and +threw the loaves down the chimney, scrambled down to the door and +listened to the poor old soul pouring her heart out in thanksgiving to +God for sending her bread from heaven. Then they opened the door, and +burst in on her with: + +"Why, granny! Did you think God sent you that bread? We tumbled it down +the chimbley!" + +And she said, "Well, boys, God did send it even if the devil did bring +it." + + + + + NO WATER IN HIS + + +During a great temperance agitation out in Kansas a man was lecturing in +a public school building on chemistry. An interested auditor, a farmer, +couldn't at all get the hang of the lecturer's remarks, and asked his +neighbor in the next seat: "Say, what does the lecturer mean by oxy-gin +and hydro-gin, and what is the difference?" "Well," was the answer, +"they come to 'bout the same thing. There ain't enough difference +betwixt them to amount to much. You see, by oxy-gin the lecturer means +pure gin, and by hydro-gin he means gin and water." + +"Thank you, sir," replied Hayseed, "I reckon I'll take oxy-gin. It goes +further." + + + + + RAISING CAIN + + +Robert Burdette, in one of his lectures, thus describes scientific +education in primeval times: "When a placid but exceedingly +unanimous-looking animal went rolling by, producing the general effect +of an eclipse, Cain would shout: + +"Oh, lookee, lookee, pa! What's that?" + +"Then the patient Adam, trying to saw enough kitchen wood to last over +Sunday, with a piece of flint for a saw, would have to pause and gather +up enough words to say: + +"That, my son? That is only a mastodon giganteus; he has a bad look but +a Christian temper." + +And then presently: + +"Oh, pa! pa! What's that over yon?" + +"Oh, bother," Adam would reply; "it's only a paleotherium, mammalia +pachydermata." + +"Oh, yes; theliocomeafterus. Oh, lookee, lookee at this 'un!" + +"Where, Cainny? Oh, that in the mud? That's only an acephala lamelli +branchiata. It won't bite you, but you mustn't eat it. It's poison as +politics." + +"Whee! See there! See, see, see! What's him?" + +"Oh, that? Looks like a pleiosaurus; keep out of his way; he has a jaw +like your mother." + +"Oh, yes; a plenosserus. And what's that fellow, poppy?" + +"That's a silurus malapterous. Don't you go near him, for he has the +disposition of a Georgia mule." + +"Oh, yes; a slapterus. And what's this little one?" + +"Oh, it's nothing but an aristolochioid. Where did you get it? There, +now, quit throwing stones at the acanthopterygian; do you want to be +kicked? And you keep away from the nothodenatrichomanoides. My stars, +Eve! where did he get that anonaceo-hydro-charideo-nymphaeoid? Do you +never look after him at all? Here, you Cain, get right away from down +there, and chase that megalosaurius out of the melon-patch, or I'll set +the mono-pleuro brachian on you!" + + + + + A MEAN COMPANY + + +Mark Twain is credited with telling a good story about the meanest +corporation on earth. A man was working for this company, drilling holes +for blasting rock. He got to work on a place where there was a charge +that had not gone off. So, as he sat there quietly drilling away, there +was an explosion. He went up and up till he didn't look any bigger than +a hat; and then up and up till he didn't look any bigger than a walnut; +and then up and up till he went out of sight. Then he began to come down +and down till he looked as big as a walnut; and then down and down till +he looked as big as a hat; and then down and down till he sat right in +the place he had left, and went on drilling away as if nothing had +happened. He was absent just sixteen minutes and forty-two seconds--and +the company was so mean that they docked him for loss of time! + + * * * * * + +"Say, boy, say!" exclaimed a hot looking man with a big valise, "what's +the quickest way to the cars?" "Run!" yelled the boy as he dodged into +an alley. The man was very sorry the boy had so suddenly disappeared, +for he was so pleased with the kind information that if he could only +have come near enough to the boy, he would certainly have given him +something to remember him by. + + * * * * * + +When the preacher went into politics and suffered in his professional +character in consequence, he thought well to make an humble confession +to his conference to the effect that "the muddy pool of politics was the +rock on which I split." + +He mixed his figures about as badly as a famous Irishman, Sir Boyle +Roche, who, suspecting the opposition of some sort of underhand +intentions, revealed his acuteness and his purpose to head off the enemy +in the following terms: "I smell a rat; I feel it in the air; and I will +nip it in the bud!" + + + + + A SURE THING + + +The colonel and a friend were sitting on the back porch of the house +smoking and talking. They fell to discussing the intoxicating properties +of beer. The colonel maintained that a man couldn't possibly drink +enough beer to make him drunk, but his friend was of a contrary mind. +The colonel went into his kitchen and brought out a two-gallon tin +bucket, and said, "See this bucket? Well, I have a German sawing wood +down in my barn at the end of the lot. I'll bet you ten dollars that he +can drink all the beer that bucket will hold at one sitting, and not be +the worse for it." The bet was taken, and the colonel called the man +from his work, and said, "Diedrich, you see that bucket? If I were to +fill that bucket with beer, do you think you could drink it all at one +sitting?" + +The German smiled broadly, and said he guessed he could--he could try. +"But I want you to be certain," said the colonel. "Vell," said Diedrich, +"I guess I could, but maybe I couldn't." With this he was dismissed and +the subject was dropped. + +At the end of a half hour, Diedrich appeared on the scene and said that +if that bucket was filled with beer he could drink it all without +stopping. He was certain he could. Accordingly he was sent with the +bucket to a neighboring brewery and promptly returned with the vessel +full to the brim. He placed it on a table, drew up a chair, tilted the +bucket and set to work. In a very short time he had finished, arose, +thanked the colonel and was making for the wood-pile. + +"Hold on," called the colonel, "I want to ask you a question. When I +called you up the first time you were uncertain whether you could drink +that bucket of beer or not, and then after a while you came back and +said you were certain you could. How do you explain that?" + +Diedrich drew the back of his hand across his mouth, and said, "Vy, +colonel, dot is easy to explain. Der first time ven you ask me, I did +not know for sure. So ven I vent away, I vent over to der brewery undt +got me a bucket about so big as yours undt tried if I could--undt I +found I could, I could; undt so I coom back here sure, sure dat I could +drink your bucket full mit beer. See?" + + + + + THE LOGIC OF GRAMMAR + + +While instructing his pupils in grammar, a country school-teacher gave +out this sentence to be parsed: "Mary milks the cow." Each word had been +parsed except the last, which fell to Bob, a sixteen-year-old boy, near +the foot of the class, who began thus: + +"Cow is a noun, feminine gender, singular number, third person, and +stands for Mary." + +"Stands for Mary!" said the astonished teacher. "And, pray, Robert, how +do you make that out?" + +"Because," answered the hopeful pupil, "if the cow didn't stand for +Mary, how could Mary milk the cow?" + + + + + DELIRIOUS + + +"Say--how much do you think I had to pay the milliner for my wife's last +spring bonnet? Thirty-six dollars and seventeen cents." + +"Rather steep, isn't it? What are you going to do about it?" + +"Do about it? Nothing. Because, don't you see, old man, I daren't say +beans to it. My wife has the delirium trimmins." + +Mr. W. J. Lampton in the New York Times thus discourses on the tender +topic: + + + + + Millinerymania + + + Did you ever see such sights? + Such frizzly, frazzly frights + As now the lovely fair + Insist that they must wear? + And, say, + Did you ever, in your feeble way, + Attempt to calculate + What it must be to keep one on straight? + Heavens to Betsy, no slob + Could get away with such a job! + That's why no man + Could wear the hat a woman can + And does, and thinks + She's not at all gezinx. + Wow, + Ain't they the dowdydow? + The hats, not the women. + The Autumn Lid, + Deliriously displayed, + Has got the Merry Wid + Screaming screams for aid. + Police! Police! + Call out the cops + To save the ladies + From their tops. + Oh, woman, in your hours of ease, + Uncertain, coy and hard to please, + Who ever gave you lids like these? + Who is it has designed + Such cover for your mind? + This framework in a rag? + This millinery jag? + Who done it? Who + Should get the fearful due? + However, it's no matter + Who is the women's hatter, + They wear the goods! + And say, + On the level, + Don't they + Look like the dickens? + Gee whiz, + Why look pazziz, + When a woman's as pretty as a woman is? + + + + + AN ECCENTRIC GREAT MAN + +The handwriting of Horace Greely, the great editor, was remarkable for +its illegibility. Very few people could read what he wrote, and +sometimes it puzzled Mr. Greely himself. He wrote a hurried note one +day, addressed it to the editor of one of the other great New York +papers, and sent it by a messenger boy. The boy duly delivered it, but +the man couldn't make it out, and sent it back. When the boy handed his +own note to Mr. Greely, he, supposing it to be a reply to his own +communication, and being unable to read it, looked it over carefully and +said: "Why, what does the old fool mean?" "Yes," said the boy, "that's +just what the other man said!" + +In addition to writing a poor hand Mr. Greely was very absent-minded. +Leaving his office in a great hurry one day to go an errand downtown, he +wrote on a card, "Back in 20 minutes," pinned it on the outside of his +office door and rushed out. Having changed his mind, he came back in +five minutes and, seeing the notice on the door, took a seat nearby, and +actually waited twenty minutes for himself to come back! + + + + + LEFT-HANDED COMPLIMENTS + + +A good-looking young minister was driving to the county town of B---- in +a buggy. On the way he overtook a very comely young woman going the same +direction afoot. He courteously stopped and suggested that he give her a +lift, an offer which she gladly accepted, riding beside him several +miles to her destination at a country farm-house. On descending from the +vehicle she thanked him for his kindness, and he very politely said, +"Don't mention it--don't mention it." And she said, "No, I won't. I +won't tell. I'm as much ashamed of it as you are!" + +When he was within two miles of the town he overtook a young lawyer who +was returning afoot from a visit to a country client, and took him +aboard, and the two had some sharp passages as they rode along. Now, it +chanced that a man was to be hanged for murder the next day in the town, +and the carpenters were busy erecting the gallows in the yard of the +jail. When the two came to the hill which overlooks the town of B----, +they could plainly see the top of the gallows above the wall of the +jail. Pointing then to the jail the minister said: + +"If the gallows had its due, where would you be?" + +"I'd be riding into town alone, I reckon," was the answer. + + + + + A REST AND A CHANGE + + +"My friend Dickinson," said the colonel, "is a very witty fellow. He +made a very witty reply lately. He had been sent down to a certain +celebrated seaside resort by his physician for a rest and a change, and +it was understood that he was to spend at least a month there, but at +the end of a week he turned up again in his home town, and when people +asked him why he had come back so soon, his reply was: + +"Well, you see, the doctor sent me down there for a rest and a change, +and I went down and tried it; but by the end of a week I found that the +waiters at the hotel were getting all the change, and the man that kept +the hotel got all the rest, and so I just had to come home to +recopperate, you know." + + + + + THE SAME OLD KIND + + +"When I was down there in Atlantic City," said Dickinson with that +delightful drawl of his, "I went one day into a shoe store on 'The +Avenue,' as they call the business street of the town, and looked +around. The clerk came up smiling and asked could he wait on me, and I +said he could if he had any 'crochetted overshoes.' That made him +scratch his head. 'Must be a new kind,' said he. 'Oh, no,' said I. +'They've been in use some years.' 'But,' said he, 'I can't see what use +crochet work would be on overshoes. Why, the rain and mud would spoil +it all in a short time.' 'Oh, no,' said I. 'You don't catch on. I am not +looking for overshoes with crochet work on them, but for crochetted +overshoes--overshoes that are crow-shade; black ones, you understand?'" + + + + + A TOUGH GOOSE-YARN + + +It is hard to tell whether the biggest liars live by the sea or on the +mountain, but certainly the sailor folk will have a time of it to match +one Bob Sempers, one of the most elastic of all the prevaricators on the +Pocono Mountain. Here is a story Bob told a party of gentlemen hunters +not long ago: + +"You know where I live. About three mile from the Big Lake. Well--one +evenin' last spring when I was goin' home, I see a flock o' geese +a-settlin' on the lake. I got up bright an' early next mornin', took +down my shootin' iron an' started for the lake to try my luck. When I +got there I found they were out o' gun shot, an' I knowed 'twan't no use +to shoot at that distance. I'd jist skeer 'em away if I did. So, I +stood there thinkin' what best to do. I see a fox come down to the water +edge and stand there a minnit or so a-snuffin' the air. I'd a mind to +shoot him, but I thought I'd wait an' see what he'd do. Well, sir, he +just plumped into the water an' made for them geese. They were all +huddled together about a half a mile from the shore. After swimmin' up +to within a few yards of 'em, he suddenly disappeared, and in a few +minnits a goose was drawn under water. Then the fox swum ashore an' laid +the dead goose on the bank, and went back fer another snap, an' so he +kep on till he got the whole flock, an' I waited till he brought in the +last one, an' then I shot him. + +"Well, sir, I found when I come to count 'em, that I had just fifty nice +fat geese, which I lugged home together with my gun an' the dead fox. +An' when I got home I found my old woman hadn't the breakfast quite +ready yet." + +"'But, Bob,' said some one, 'the fox had to swim a mile for each +goose--half a mile each way--consequently he had to swim just fifty +miles. And the geese averaged, say, six pounds; so that you had three +hundred pounds of goose-flesh to carry three miles, to say nothing of +the dead fox and your gun--impossible!' + +"'Impossible or not,' maintained Bob, 'every word is truth, and I can +prove it, too, by more than a dozen of my neighbors, to each of whom I +sold enough feathers to fill a feather-bed.'" + + + + + FIRST CLASS + + +A company of tourists were traveling in Switzerland, and they went to +buy tickets for the coach-ride up the mountain. The American man of +course bought a first-class ticket, but he noticed that all the rest got +second and third class, and they all got into the wagon with him. He +said to the driver, "What advantage is there in paying for a first class +ticket when holders of second and third class tickets have precisely the +same accommodations?" The driver said, "You just wait a while and you +will see." So by and by they came to a steep hill, and the driver called +out, "First class passengers will keep their seats; second class +passengers will get out and walk; third class passengers will get out +and push." + + * * * * * + +They have a new brand of whiskey down in Kentucky known as "The Horn of +Plenty," because it will corn-you-copiously. + + * * * * * + +"In the Blue Grass section of Kentucky was I born, where all the corn is +full of kernels--and all the colonels full of corn." + + + + + AN AWFUL LOT OF PRACTICE + + +Chauncey Depew spoke one evening during a political campaign at a town +in the interior of New York State, which it is not necessary to name. +The next morning the chairman of the local committee took him in his +carriage for a ride about the place. They had reached the suburbs and +were admiring a bit of scenery when a man wearing a blue shirt and +carrying a long whip on his shoulder approached from where he had been +piloting an ox-team along the middle of the street and said: + +"You're the man that made the rattlin' speech up at the hall last night, +I guess?" + +Mr. Depew modestly admitted that he had indulged in some talk at the +time and place specified. + +"Didn't you have what you said writ out?" went on the man. + +"No," replied the orator. + +"You don't mean to say you made that all up as you went along?" + +"Yes." + +"Jess hopped right up there, took a drink o' water out of the pitcher, +hit the table a whack and waded in without no thinkin' nor nothing?" + +"Well, I suppose you might put it that way." + +"Well, that beats me. You'll excuse me for stoppin' you, but what I +wanted to say was that your speech convinced me, though I knowed all the +time it was the peskiest lie that was ever told. I made up my mind to +vote your ticket, but I'd 'a' been willin' to bet a peck o' red apples +that no man could stand up and tell such blamed convincin' lies without +havin' 'em writ out. You must 'a' had an awful lot o' practice." + + + + +"WHO'D 'A' BIN 'ER?" + + +A lady living in Ohio is the mother of six boys. One day a friend called +on her, and during the conversation said: "What a pity that one of your +boys had not been a girl." One of the boys, about eight years old, +overheard the remark, and promptly interposed, "I'd like to know who'd +'a' bin 'er. Ed wouldn't 'a' bin 'er, Joe wouldn't 'a' bin 'er, Pete +wouldn't 'a' bin 'er, I wouldn't 'a' bin 'er, blame ef I would, an' I'd +like to know who'd 'a' bin 'er?" + + + + +"IN THE WAY THEY SHOULD GO" + + +Mrs. Hobbs was the parent of an infant terror and several half-grown +terrors besides. One day at table she said, "Well, Mr. Hobbs, since you +are so dissatisfied with the way I am bringing up our darling Willie, +maybe you will condescend to inform me how you would bring up boys?" + +"Certainly," said Hobbs. "Every boy ought to be kept in a hogshead, and +fed through the bung-hole until he is twelve years of age." + +"And when he reaches the age of twelve?" + +"Stop up the bung-hole." + + + + +"NO THOROUGHFARE" + +A toll-gate was recently established on a road leading to Little Rock, +Ark.; and an old negro who came along with an ox-team was much +astonished. "Wall, ef dis doan cap de climax," said he. "Ain satisfied +wid chargin' folks fur ridin' on de train and steamboat, but wanster to +charge him fur ridin' in his own waggin!" "That's the law of the +corporation, old man." "Wat's de corporation got to do wid my waggin?" +"Got nothing to do with your wagon, but they have a right to make you +pay for riding over their road." "Ain dis er a free country?" "Yes. But +this is not a free road." "But de road's in the country. What does yer +law say yer may charge?" "One horse, five cents; a horse and buggy, ten +cents; two horses and a wagon, twenty cents." "Well, dese here ain't +horses, 'case da's steers. De law doan say nuthin' about dem. Whoa, +dar! Come 'ere!" And to the astonishment of the gate-keeper, the old +fellow drove away. + + + + + THE OTHER EYE + + +Standing outside his club one afternoon Mr. Gilbert was approached by a +stranger who asked, "I beg pardon, sir, but do you happen to know a +gentleman, a member of this club, a man with one eye called 'Matthews'?" +"No, I don't think I do," replied Mr. Gilbert. Then after a pause he +quickly added, "What's the name of his other eye?" + + + + + KEEPING A SECRET + + +The Confederate general, Stonewall Jackson, had been on one occasion +most hospitably entertained in the house and by the family of an old +Virginia friend. It was known at the time that some very important +movement of the Confederate army was afoot, and just as the great +general was about to take his departure from the house in which he had +been so royally received, the host, eager with curiosity and presuming +on old friendship, took the general aside, and begged him for some +information as to the coming demonstrations. Passing his arm +affectionately around his old friend General Jackson said in a whisper, +"My dear friend, can you keep a secret?" "Yes--Yes!" was the eager +reply. "And so can I," was the response, as the general mounted his +horse. + + + + + A SHARP REPROOF + + +A preacher was much annoyed by the whispering and laughing of some young +folks in the rear of the church. Stopping in the midst of his discourse +and looking intently at them until all had become still, he said: + +"I hesitate to reprove those who are inattentive and noisy. I will tell +you why. Some years since, as I was preaching, a young man sat before me +who was constantly laughing and making queer faces. It annoyed me very +much, and I gave him a very severe rebuke. After the close of the +services a gentleman said to one, 'Sir, you made a great mistake; that +young man is an idiot.' Since that time I always hesitate to reprove +those who misbehave in church, lest I should again find myself in the +error of rebuking an idiot." There was order during the rest of the +service. + + + + + IT WOULDN'T WORK + + +Lazily sauntering along on the gay boardwalk, enjoying the stiff salt +breeze and paying due attention to the merry throng always passing up +and down, my attention was called to a certain rolling chair whose +occupant I thought I knew. Wasn't that Barney Schmitt? Barney, you must +know, keeps one of the very best cafés in existence, up in one of the +most flourishing towns in Eastern Pennsylvania. I knew he had been +suffering greatly from rheumatism for a year past, but had lost track of +him recently and supposed him to be in the doctor's hands at some Water +Cure up in New York State--and here he was, fat and puffy, all covered +up with a big steamer rug in a rolling chair. I stopped the chair and +said, "Hello, Barney, that you?" + +"Yes," said he, "diss iss me. I vish to Himmel it wass somepody else." + +"Well, how are you? Better I hope?" + +Barney shook his head with a rueful countenance. "No, I'm no petter. +I've tried everything in all greation from a lemon to Gristian Ziance, +undt it all does no good." + +"Christian Science? So you tried that, did you? How did it work?" + +"Let me tell you," said the suffering Barney with a smile that might +have been mistaken for a wince. "You know I went up to der Wasser-Cure, +up dere in New York. I had plasters undt pads all ofer my pody, undt +walked mit a pair of grutches. De first evening I got dere, I wass +settin' in der parlor tryin' hard to keep from hollerin' mit der pain, +undt a woman come up to me--one of dese here Gristian Ziance women, you +know, a mighty purty, sweet-faced woman she wass, too--undt she says to +me, says she: + +"'Vat iss der matter mit you, Mr. Schmitt?' Undt I toldt her apoudt my +rheumatism, undt den she says: + +"'Mr. Schmitt, dere iss nodings der matter mit you. You only think dere +iss. It iss all in your mindt. It issn't in your pody. Your pody can't +feel noding. It iss your mindt vat feels. Your rheumatism iss all in +your mindt. All you have got to do iss to get your mindt changed, you +see, undt you vill be all right. + +"'Now, Mr. Schmitt, I tell you vat to do undt you vill soon be vell. Ven +you go to bed to-night, you make your mindt nice undt quiet like, fill +your heart full mit good thoughts of peace undt joy; say a nice little +prayer, undt go to sleep. Den, in de morning, ven you get avake, you +compose your mindt mit peaceful thoughts, you say a nice little prayer +to yourself, and you yusht say: "Mr. Schmitt! Dere iss nodings der +matter mit you--you are vell undt shtrong!" Undt you jump out of de bed, +undt dere you are!'" + +"All right. I did all vat she said. I vent to bed. I said a nice leetle +prayer, vat my mudder taught me, in der German language, undt I vent to +sleep. + +"In der morning I get awake. I haf very peaceful undt peautiful +thoughts, undt I say to myself: + +"'Barney Schmitt, you are a tam fool. Dere iss nodings der matter mit +you. You are all right.' + +"Undt mit dot, I just jump out in der mittle of der floor, undt lit on +my pack mit a mighty doonder-knock vat shook der vinders. I fell all in +a heap, undt mine Himmel! didn't I holler! Der bell poy, der hotel +clerk, der doctor undt two nurses coom on der double quick, pick me up +undt put me in der bed. Undt dere I vas for two weeks, all right. Dat's +vat I know about Gristian Ziance. Undt now here I am in Atlantic City in +a rollin' chair. Pray for me, colonel, for my prayers doesn't seem to do +me much goot!" + + + + + ON THE POINT OF A NEEDLE + + +The late Dr. Talmage was once in the company of some theological +students. They were fresh from the study of church history, and were +laughing over the old question so much discussed by the schoolmen in the +Middle Ages, "How many angels can stand on, or be supported by, the +point of a needle?" + +They put the question to Dr. Talmage, "How many angels can be supported +by the point of a needle?" and Dr. Talmage promptly answered, "Five." +When they wanted to know how he knew, he told them the following story: + +"One very stormy night I was coming home late, and noticed a light in +the window of a room where I knew a poor woman lived whose husband was +lost at sea. I wondered what kept her up so late and I thought I would +go and see. I found her hard at work sewing at her lamp, while her five +rosy children were sound asleep beside her. And that is how I happen to +know that five angels can be supported by the point of a needle." + + + + + GETTING A WIFE + + +The family had returned from church one Sunday, and as they had company +to dinner, and dinner was a little later than usual, the six-year-old +Robert was very hungry and could hardly wait any longer. He had been +very much interested in the sermon, which was a very graphic account of +the creation of woman. He had listened wide-eyed while the minister +told how God had put Adam to sleep and had taken a rib out of his side +and made it into a wife for the lonely man. But just now he was more +interested in the dinner, especially in its conclusion, mince pie and +cakes. + +An hour later he was missed from the company, and being searched for was +found sitting in a corner of another room, groaning softly, with his +hands pressed against his side and an air of solemn anxiety on his face. + +"Why, Robert, what in the world is the matter?" asked his mother in +alarm. + +"Mamma, dear," said he, "I'm afraid I'm getting a wife." + + + + + THE SANCTUM + + +He opened the door cautiously, and poking his head in, in a suggestive +sort of way, as if there might be more to follow later on provided the +way was clear, inquired, "Is this the editorial rinktum?" "The--what, my +friend?" "Is this the rinktum, sinktum, or some such place, where the +editors live?" "Yes, sir. This is the editorial room. Come right in." +"No, I guess I won't come in. Just wanted to see what a rinktum was +like, that's all. Looks like our garret, only wuss. Good day!" + + * * * * * + +It is related that two Presbyterians, two Baptists, two Universalists +and an active Jew recently met and discussed theology together without +quarreling in Boston. The reason they did not quarrel in Boston was +because they were in New York. + + * * * * * + +Going home from a party late one night a man ran against the same tree +seventeen times. He then concluded that he was lost in an interminable +forest, and began to call out, "A lost man! A lost man!" But nobody +responding to his pitiful call, he made one more effort to escape, and +had the luck to run into the next tree, which chanced to be surrounded +by iron rods for its protection. He caught hold of the rods and felt +them. He walked round and round the tree trying in vain to find some +opening to pass through, and at last gave it up in despair, saying, +"Just my luck. In the lock-up again." + + * * * * * + +A negro prayed that his brethren might be preserved from their +"upsettin' sins." "Brudder," said one of his friends, "you hain't got de +hang o' dat ar word. It's be-settin', not upsettin'." "Brudder," replied +the other, "if dat's so, den it's so. But--I was prayin' de Lawd to save +us from de sin o' 'toxication, for dar dey jest set-em-up fust and den +dey gits upset, an' if dat ain't an upsettin' sin, I dunno what am." + + * * * * * + +There are very few men who can handle a red-hot lamp-chimney and at the +same time say, "There is no place like Home," without getting--confused. + + * * * * * + +That was a truly human tombstone that bore the inscription, "I expected +this, but not just yet." + + * * * * * + +A youth was heard to remark to a jolly, fat Teutonian, "Haven't I seen +you before? Your face certainly looks familiar?" "Iss dot so?" answered +Hans. "An' ven you get so oldt as me, your face vill look fermiliar, +too." + + * * * * * + +A young lady complained to her male companion that she didn't like +arithmetic. She couldn't understand it, and didn't see the use of it. +The young man said he would teach her. "Now," said he, "I kiss you three +times on one cheek and four times on the other. How many does that +make?" + +"Seven," whispered the girl, disengaging herself to breathe more freely. + +"Well," said he, "that is Arithmetic." + +"Dear me," said she, "I did not think it ever could be made such a very +pleasant study." + + + + + ARTEMUS WARD AT THE THEATRE + + +Artemus Ward records that he once went to the theatre, "Niblo's +Garding," New York, to hear Edwin Forrest in Othello. "I sot down in the +Pit," says he, "took out my spectacles & commenced peroosin' the +evenin's bill. The awjince was all-fired large & the Boxes was full of +the Elitty of New York. Several opery glasses was leveld at me by +Gothum's fairest darters, but I didn't let on as tho I noticed it, tho +mebby I did take out my sixteen-dollar silver watch & brandish it round +more than was necessary. But, the best of us has our weaknesses, and if +a man has gewelry, let him show it. + +"As I was peroosin' the bill, a grave young man who sot near me axed me +if I'd ever seen Forrest dance 'The Essence of Old Virginny? He's +immense in that,' said the young man. 'He also does a fair champion +jig,' the young man continued, 'but his Big Thing is the Essence of Old +Virginny.' + +"Sez I--'Fair youth, do you know what I'd do with you, if you was my +sun?' + +"'No,' sez he. + +"'Wall,' sez I, 'if you was my sun, I'd appint your funeral for tomorrow +arternoon, at two o'clock--and the Korps would be reddy. You're too +smart to live on this here yearth.' That youth didn't try any more of +his doggone capers on me." + +"Teacher," said a boy in a New York City school, "my sister's got the +measles." "Well, then, my boy, you go home and you stay home till your +sister has entirely got over them." After the boy was gone, another boy +raised his hand and said, "Teacher, that boy's sister what's got the +measles lives in Omaha!" + + + + + SHE CAME TO HIS AID + + +The late Horace Leland, who for many years kept the Leland Hotel at +Springfield, Ill., was an exceedingly generous man and an especial lover +of children. One day he and Judge A. C. Matthews, then Speaker of the +Illinois House of Representatives, and afterward the First Controller of +the Treasury, were walking out together when they met a man with a +cluster of toy balloons. School was just out and hundreds of boys and +girls came pouring from a building near at hand and formed in groups +around the balloon man. + +"Hold on, Ace," said Mr. Leland, "there's a joyous sight," and the two +stopped and watched the children gaze longingly at the balloons. + +"I can make some of them happy, anyway," said Mr. Leland, and he asked +the man the price of the balloons. + +"Fi' cent apiece." + +"How much for the lot?" asked the philanthropist. + +The man counted them over. There were twenty-one. + +"One dol' for de lot." + +Mr. Leland took them all and distributed them among the children with as +much fairness as possible, and away the little codgers ran with them. + +Then Mr. Leland put his hand in his pocket and said: + +"By George, Ace, I ain't got a cent. Lend me a dollar." + +"Oh, no," said Judge Matthews, seriously; "you can't play philanthropist +at my expense. Not much." + +"Well, my man," said Mr. Leland, "I guess you'll have to call at my +hotel for your money." + +"No, sir," said the man, "you give me my money or you give me back my +balloons." + +"But don't you see I can do neither? Come to the Leland House and ask +for Mr. Leland, and I will pay you." + +"No, sir," persisted the man, "you pay me my money or give me back my +balloons. I haf seen dat hotel trick before." + +"Come, Ace," said Mr. Leland, from the depth of his troubled soul, "give +me a dollar." + +"Not a cent," said the Judge. "I wouldn't trust you with a dime." + +"See," said the man, "your own friend no will trust you. You give me my +money or I will call de policeman." + +Just then there happened along an old beggar woman who had lived upon +the bounty of the good people of Springfield for many a year. She +stopped and heard enough of the conversation to know what it was about. + +"Hould on, Misther Layland," said she, "if yer foine frind there won't +lave ye the loan av a dollar, begorra O'im the frind that will," and as +she lectured Judge Matthews for the "stingiest ould thing out o' jail," +she unrolled the money from a dirty rag and gave it to the +philanthropist. + +Judge Matthews says he never tried to play just that kind of a joke on +Horace Leland again. + + + + + A COSTLY DODGE + + +The town of M---- in Pennsylvania had just elected a new Justice of the +Peace. He was, of course, a Pennsylvania German, and the first cause +that came before him for adjudication was a peculiar one. A man had +attempted to shoot another man in the street of the business part of the +town, but the man that was shot at dodged, and the bullet smashed a +plate-glass window in a store. The owner of the store sued the man with +the gun for damages, but the Justice, after hearing the evidence, +decided that the man that was shot at and dodged the bullet must pay, +"because," said he, "don't you see, if that man hadn't dodged, the +window wouldn't have been broken." + + + + + COULDN'T HELP CRYING + + +Two Irishmen who had just landed were eating their dinner in a hotel, +when Pat spied a bottle of horseradish. Not knowing what it was he took +a mouthful, which brought tears to his eyes. + +Mike, seeing Pat crying, exclaimed, "Phat be ye cryin' fer?" + +Pat, wishing to have Mike sample the hot stuff also, replied, "Oim +cryin' fer me poor ould mither who's dead away over in ould Ireland." + +By and by Mike took some of the radish, and immediately tears filled his +eyes. "An' phat be you cryin' fer, now?" queried Pat. "Ach," says Mike, +"I'm cryin' because you didn't die at the same time your ould mither did +in ould Ireland." + + + + + A KNIGHT ERRANT + + +He was a very decided English type, and as he stopped an Irishman and +asked for a light he volunteered to say: + +"Excuse me, my man, for stopping you as an entire stranger. But at home +I'm a person of some importance. I'm Sir James B----, Knight of the +Garter, Knight of the Double Eagle, Knight of the Golden Fleece, Knight +of the Iron Cross. And your name is--what, my man?" + +"My name," was the ready reply, "is Michael Murphy. Night before last, +last night, to-night an' every night, Michael Murphy." + + + + + THACKERAY AND THE OYSTER + + +When Thackeray, the great English novelist, visited this country, his +literary friends in Boston gave a banquet in his honor. The committee of +arrangements, learning that Mr. Thackeray had made some comments on the +general tendency of Americans to magnify things, thought they would give +their distinguished guest a demonstration of the greatness of the +American oyster, at least, the more so as the oyster does not attain a +great size in the British Isles. They accordingly ransacked the market +for the very largest bivalves that could be found, and a half dozen of +these were placed at Thackeray's plate. The gentleman next to him +apologized for the small size of the oysters, but Thackeray looked at +them in amazement, and asked, "What am I to do with them?" "Swallow +them, of course," was the answer. "Well," said he, taking a huge one on +his fork, "here goes." He gave a gulp and down it went. "How do you feel +on it?" asked his friend. "Feel?" said he--"I feel as if I had swallowed +a baby!" + + + + + A FAST TRAIN + + +Three men were talking in rather a large way of the excellent +train-service each had in his special locality. One was from the West, +one from New England and one from New York. The former two men had told +their tales, and it was New York's turn. + +"Now in New York," said he, "we not only run trains fast, but we start +them fast, too, very fast. I recall the case of a friend of mine whose +wife went to the station at Jersey City to see him off for the West. As +the train was about to start, my friend said his final good-bye to his +wife and leaned down from the car platform to kiss her. The train +started, and started with such a rush that, would you believe it, my +friend found himself kissing a strange woman on the platform at +Trenton!" + +At a dinner one day some gentlemen were discussing the merits of +different species of game. One preferred canvasback duck, another +woodcock, another quail. The dinner and the discussion ended, one of the +men said to the waiter, who was a good listener, "Well, Frank, what kind +of game do you like best?" + +"Well, gemmen, to tell you de trufe," said he, "'mos any kind o' game +'ll suit me, but what I likes best is an American Eagle served on a +silvah dollah!" + + + + + A SLOW COACH + + +In the early days of railroading in this country, an elderly gentleman +was asked by the conductor for his ticket. The train had stopped at +every little station, town and hamlet on the way, and was two hours +late. "Your ticket, please," said the conductor. The man fumbled a great +while in his vest pocket and finally presented a half-fare cardboard. + +"Come," said the conductor, "this won't do, not for a man with hair as +gray as yours, any way--this is a child's ticket." + +"Well," responded the weary traveller, "I was a child when this train +started, and I guess I'll be as old as Methusaleh by the time it gets me +to where I want to go." + + + + + GO TO FATHER + + +A schoolboy one day picked up a piece of poetry at school and carried it +home and gave it to his grandmother to read. When she had read it she +said: + +"Kit, you ought never repeat that, because that is just the same as +telling people to go to the bad place." The poetry was as follows: + + "When I asked my girl to marry me, she said, + 'Go to father.' + She knew that I knew her father was dead; + She knew that I knew what a life he had led; + She knew that I knew what she meant when she said, + 'Go to father.'" + + * * * * * + +The chaplain of a large private asylum asked a brother clergyman to +preach to the inmates on a Sunday during his absence. Before going away, +he said: "Preach your best, for, though insane on some points, they are +very intelligent." So he talked to them of India, and of heathen mothers +who threw their dear little babies into the sacred river Ganges as +offerings to their false gods. Tears streamed down the face of one +listener, evidently deeply affected. When asked by the preacher +afterward what part of the sermon had touched his heart with grief, the +lunatic replied: "I was thinking it was a pity your mother didn't throw +you into the Ganges." + + + + + INTERESTING EPITAPHS + + +The poet of the Pine Tree State is said to have shown decided poetic +proclivities from his earliest days. When a boy of eight or nine, he had +two kittens which he had named Myrtle and Ann Eliza. Myrtle died. He +buried her in the orchard and planted a shingle headstone on the grave, +on which his smiling parents read: + + "Here Myrtle lies-- + Gone to fertilize." + +In a short time Ann Eliza passed from this earthly scene of +caterwauling, and was buried beside Myrtle, with a shingle headstone +duly erected and inscribed. His parents, wondering what would be the +epitaph, were delighted to read: + + "Here lies Ann Eliza-- + More fertilizer." + + + + + SHE SPOILED THE POETRY + + +Two lovers were taking a walk along a country road. The day was fine, +the sun was shining and a good breeze was blowing across the hills and +fields. The young man was of an idealistic temperament and of good +poetic taste, but the young lady was quite matter-of-fact and altogether +practical, their differing dispositions being illustrated by their +conversation by the way. They had paused in their walk and sat down to +rest a while under the outspreading branches of an apple-tree laden with +green fruit. + +"Ah, my dear," said he as he looked around, "how grand and glorious all +this is--the bright day, the glorious sunlight, the wind blowing fresh +and full, and the limbs of this grand old tree moaning a sweet and +tuneful melody in response to it all----" + +"Yes," interrupted she, "I guess you'd be groaning, too, if you were as +full of green apples as that old apple-tree is!" + + + + + HIS PART IN THE PLAY + + +A man who had been playing the part of the Lamb in the Great Wall Street +Theatre, was complaining that he had invested a large sum of money in +that institution and had lost every cent of it. A sympathizing friend +asked him whether he had been a Bull or a Bear, and the Lamb replied, +"Neither. I was a Jackass!" + + + + + A CLERICAL CORKSCREW + + +The minister was a very genial man and a very witty man. He had great +difficulty in getting his salary promptly. Of late it was much in +arrears, and he did not know what to do. One day he entered the hardware +store kept by his leading deacon, and asked to look at corkscrews. He +looked over the assortment very carefully, saying that he wanted quite a +large one, one that was very strong, too. And when the deacon asked him +what he wanted with a corkscrew, the minister replied, "I want it to +draw my salary with." He got it. + + * * * * * + +A negro exhorter shouted to his audience, "Come up an' jine de army ob +de Lord!" + +"I'se done jined," replied one woman. + +"Whar'd yo' jine?" asked the exhorter. + +"In de Baptis' Church." + +"Why, chile," said the exhorter, "yo' ain't in de army ob de Lord; yo's +in de navy." + + + + + THE CHIEF END OF MAN + + +When Dr. Theodore L. Cuyler once put the question, "What is the chief +end of man?" to a gathering of Sunday-school scholars, he received for +an answer, "To glorify God and annoy Him forever." Another minister +relates that he once asked this famous question of a very much neglected +boy, "What is the chief end of man?" and the boy promptly replied, "Why, +I guess the end that has the hat on!" + + + + + AFTERNOON TEAS + + +Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes was once invited by a lady friend to a social +afternoon tea. The hostess had invited and had present the cream of her +acquaintance and expected some expression of admiration from the great +man. As he was taking his leave, the lady said to him, "Well, Doctor, +what is your opinion of an afternoon tea?" And the witty but cruel man +replied, "My dear friend, it is all giggle--gabble--gobble--and git!" + + + + + UNANIMOUS ACTION + + +Davies Herkimer, the noted political economist, said of modern politics +in an address on reform that he recently delivered: + +"Modern politics are entirely too tricky. The average candidate when he +enters the political struggle lets plain dealing go by the board. What, +then, is the result? The result is something altogether worthless, +something that reminds me of a Western clergyman. + +"This clergyman was very fond of cider. His congregation, meeting +secretly last autumn, decided that it would surprise him with a hogshead +of the beverage he loved and arranged to hold a surprise party at the +manse, each guest to bring a demijohn of cider and to empty it into a +huge hogshead in the garden. The party duly came off. The guests brought +their demijohns, emptied them into the hogshead and feasted afterward in +the manse on apples, nuts and gingerbread. + +"At the height of the feasting the clergyman host was told of the full +hogshead that stood without the door, and, overjoyed, the good man said +to his servant: + +"'Jane, take a pitcher, fill it at the hogshead, and bring it in that we +may sample it.' + +"The maid withdrew into the darkness and soon returned with a pitcher +brimming with--clear water! + +"Each tricky guest had filled his demijohn at the pump, thinking that +amid so much cider his aqueous contribution would escape unnoticed. But +this trickery, like the trickery of modern politics, had been a little +too unanimous." + + + + + A DIFFERENCE WITHOUT A DISTINCTION + + +It was a Pennsylvania German farmer's wife who having baked a large +number of very fine pies, some mince and some apple, marked the crust of +each with two letters--T. M. Being asked by a neighbor what these +letters stood for, she said: + +"Vy, T. M. on this pie means ''Tis mince,' and on that pie it means +''Tain't mince." + + + + + THE SHY BOARDER + + + If landladies served flying-fish, + I believe, by jing, + That every time they passed the dish + I'd get a wing. + + + + + A KNIGHTLY CONUNDRUM + + + Query--A Knight to Jerusalem did repair, + And had the colic, when? and where? + Answer--In the middle of the Knight. + + + + + A SHREWD SELECTION + + +A lawyer advertised for a clerk. The next morning the office was crowded +with applicants--all bright and many suitable. He bade them wait until +all should arrive and then arranged them all in a row and said he would +tell them a story, note their comments and judge from that whom he would +choose. + +"A certain farmer," began the lawyer, "was troubled with a red squirrel +that got in through a hole in his barn and stole his seed corn. He +resolved to kill the squirrel at the first opportunity. Seeing him go in +at the hole one noon he took his shotgun and fired away. The first shot +set the barn on fire." + +"Did the barn burn?" said one of the boys. + +The lawyer, without answer, continued: + +"And seeing the barn on fire the farmer seized a pail of water and ran +to put it out." + +"Did he put it out?" said another. + +"As he passed inside the door shut to and the barn was soon in flames. +When the hired girl rushed out with more water----" + +"Did they all burn up?" said another boy. + +The lawyer went on without answer: "Then the old lady came out, and all +was noise and confusion and everybody was trying to put out the fire." + +"Did any one burn up?" said another. + +The lawyer said: "There, that will do; you have all shown great interest +in the story." + +But observing one little bright-eyed fellow in deep silence, he said: +"Now, my little man, what have you to say?" + +The little fellow blushed, grew uneasy and stammered out: "I want to +know what became of that squirrel; that's what I want to know." + +"You'll do," said the lawyer; "you are my man; you have not been +switched off by a confusion and barn burning, and the hired girls and +water pails. You have kept your eye on the squirrel." + + + + + A GOOD EAR + + +"Charley," remarked Jones, "you were born to be a writer." "Ha!" replied +Charley, flushing at the compliment, "you have seen some of the things I +have turned off?" "No," said Jones, "I wasn't referring to what you +have written. I was simply thinking what a splendid ear you have for +carrying a pen. Immense, Charley, simply immense!" + + * * * * * + +When some one was complaining of insomnia, an Irishman recommended a +sure cure for it. "Go to bed," said he, "an' schlape it off!" + + * * * * * + +Said an Englishman to an American tourist, as he drew out of his pocket +an old English silver coin, "Do you see the image on that coin? That's +the picture of the old English king that made my great grandfather a +Duke." + +"Pooh!" said the Yankee. "That's nothin'. Here, do you see this United +States coin? We call it a cent. And you will observe the picture of an +Indian on the cent. Well, sir, that's the picture of the Indian that +made my grandfather an Angel!" + + + + + THE RIGHT-OF-WAY + + +In driving out into the country on a by-road a few days ago, a lawyer +encountered a horse and buggy driven by a woman. As she was driving on +the wrong side of the road, he made up his mind not to give up his +rights. As a consequence, the two horses finally came to a standstill, +with their noses rubbing each other. The lawyer stared at the woman and +the woman stared back. Then he pulled a newspaper from his pocket, and +began reading. In a minute, she had her knitting out and was +industriously at work. Ten long minutes in a broiling sun passed away, +and the lawyer looked up and asked: "How long are you going to stay +here?" "How long are you?" "All day." "And I'll stay here a whole week." +He read and she knit for about ten minutes, and then the lawyer cried +out: "Do you know that I'm a lawyer?" "I don't care for that," she +replied; "I'm the wife of a Justice of the Peace." "Oh--ah--excuse me, +madam. Really, but if I'd known you belonged to the purfesh, this would +not have happened. Take this side, madam, take the whole road!" + + + + + THE DEACON BALKED + + +Deacon Broadbent, an honest and pious man, was conducting a Christmas +revival with great success. In a word, his powerful exhortations had +brought Calhoun White, the town's worst sinner, weeping to the mourner's +bench. + +The deacon, gratified by this proof of his evangelical prowess, hastened +to Calhoun's side. + +"Deacon," sobbed Calhoun, "'tain't no use in mah comin' up. I'se sinned +away de day o' grace." + +"No, you hain't, brudder Cal," said the deacon. "All yo' got to do is to +gib up sin an' all will be forgibben." + +"I'se done gib it up, deacon, but dar hain't no salvation fo' me." + +"Yes, dey is, honey. Dey hain't no sin so black but it kin be washed +whiter'n de snow." + +"But I don stole fo' young turkeys last week," said the penitent. + +"Dat's all forgibben, Cal." + +"An' free de week befo'." + +"Dat's forgibben, too." + +"An' six fat Christmas geese----" + +"---- six fat Christmas geese outer yore own yard, deacon--dem fat geese +wot yo' 'lowed to set so much store by." + +"Wot's dat yo' say?" the deacon hissed furiously. + +"It wuz me wot stole yo' Christmas geese, sah." + +"I reckon, Calhoun," he said slowly, "I reckon I'se spoke too hasty. Dis +case o' yourn needs advisement. I ain't sho' dat we's justified in +clutterin' up de Kingdom o' Heben wid chicken thieves." + + + + + PROTECTING THE MINISTER + + +One day a village parson was summoned in haste by Mrs. Johnson, who had +been taken seriously ill. He went in some wonder at the summons, because +the woman was not of his parish, and was known to be devoted to her own +minister, the Rev. Mr. Hopkins. + +While he was waiting in the parlor before seeing the sick woman, he +passed the time talking with her daughter. + +"I am very pleased your mother thought of me in her illness," he said. +"Is Mr. Hopkins away?" + +"Oh, dear no," she replied, "but we are afraid mother has something +contagious, like small-pox, and we couldn't think of letting dear Mr. +Hopkins run any risk!" + + * * * * * + +"If yu trade horses with a jockey, you kan't git cheated but once. +But--if yu trade with a deakon yu may git cheated twice--once in the +horse, and once in the deakon" ... "Go in when it rains." + +_Josh Billings_ + + * * * * * + +"Now, my man," said the minister to the happy bridegroom after the +marriage ceremony, "you have come to the end of all your troubles." The +man came back to the minister a week later and said: "You told me I had +come to the end of all my troubles when I got married, and I find they +are just beginning." "Ah, my dear brother," was the response, "all +troubles have two ends, and I didn't say which end, did I?" + + + + + WALLA WALLA! + + +It is related that once upon a time the President paid an important +visit to an Indian reservation in the Far and Distant West. In honor of +the great occasion the great chiefs of the tribe were all gathered +together, arrayed in their best bib and tucker, all war-paint and +feathers, and sat cross-legged in a great circle listening to the words +of wisdom from the Great Father. + +"Noble Red Men of the Forest," began the President, "Primeval and +Original Proprietors of the Soil of the Land of the Free and the Home of +the Brave! I am delighted to see you!" + +And all the Indians round the circle exclaimed: "Walla Walla!" This +evidently being Indian for "Hear! Hear!" + +"You have indeed been greatly wronged," continued the speaker, "and I +take your wrongs to my own heart, and I shall take immediate measures +for their redress, and shall demand that hereafter justice shall be done +to the noble Red Men, the Original Proprietors of the Free Soil of +America." + +And the Indians again shouted approval, "Walla Walla!" + +"Aye," he continued, "on my return to Washington I shall personally see +to it that your wrongs are righted, and shall direct that the Indian +Appropriation be greatly increased, so that you may spend your lives in +comfort and plenty." + +Again in deep and guttural tones the Indians applauded, "Walla Walla!" + +After it was all over, the President expressed his delight at the hearty +interest and evident appreciation of his warlike auditors, being +particularly impressed with the fact that they had so well understood +his remarks, as was sufficiently manifest by the fact that they +applauded every time just at the right place. And then the Interpreter +asked him whether he knew what Walla Walla meant? And he not knowing the +meaning thereof, the cruel Interpreter disillusioned him by telling him +that Walla Walla was Indian for "Hot Air!" + + + + + THE WICKED PARROT + + +A gentleman who spent part of a summer recently in England relates an +incident which very sadly disturbed the religious peace of a parish in +Penzance. + +A gentleman, his wife and his mother-in-law lived together. They had a +parrot. And the parrot had somehow and somewhere--they could not imagine +how or where--picked up the very disagreeable habit of remarking at +frequent intervals: + +"Wisht the old woman were dead. Wisht the old woman were dead." This +annoyed the good people of the house very much, and they at last +ventured to speak to the curate about it. + +"I think we can rectify the matter," replied the good man. "I also have +a parrot, and he is a very righteous bird, having been brought up in the +way he should go. I will lend you my parrot, and I trust his good +influence will soon reform that depraved bird of yours." + +The curate's parrot was placed in the same room with the wicked one, and +as soon as the two had become accustomed to each other, the bad bird +remarked: + +"Wisht the old woman were dead." + +Whereupon the clergyman's bird rolled up his eyes, and in solemn accents +responded: + +"We beseech Thee to hear us, good Lord." + +The story got out in the parish, and for several Sundays it was thought +expedient to omit the Litany at the church services. + + + + + DOING THE DONS + + +Dr. Jowett was a warm friend of University extension. When the question +came up at Oxford of entertaining the students during the summer, he +found the Dons very much opposed to giving up even temporarily their +quarters, claiming their vested rights even in vacation. The Master, +however, controlled the buttery, and also the chapel exercises. He +accordingly cut down the commissariat and lengthened out the prayers, +until the Dons yielded and quietly moved out. As a party of them, +portmanteaus in hand, were walking to the railway station one day, he +chuckled to a friend, "This kind goeth not out but by prayer and +fasting." + + + + + EXEUNT OMNES + + +Barnum, the great showman, once upon a time lit upon a very happy +expedient to get a great company of people to move on. They were packed +together in the great tent, and every one of them was anxious to see all +that was to be seen, and determined not to miss anything. It was +necessary to clear the room, but the crowd couldn't be shoved and +wouldn't go out. At the direction of the great showman a man appeared +with a brush and a kettle of red paint. He painted just one word, in big +letters, on a door leading out into a side street. The word was EGRESS. +"Come on," said the crowd, "let's go in and see The Egress." They went +in, and they went out, and they saw + +THE EGRESS + +[Illustration: ·EGRESS·] + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Funny Bone, edited by Henry Martyn Kieffer + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44643 *** diff --git a/44643-h.zip b/44643-h.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 11460be..0000000 --- a/44643-h.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/44643-h/44643-h.htm b/44643-h/44643-h.htm index 2850b87..8d7c1bc 100644 --- a/44643-h/44643-h.htm +++ b/44643-h/44643-h.htm @@ -3,7 +3,7 @@ <html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en" xml:lang="en"> <head> <link rel="coverpage" href="images/cover.jpg" /> -<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=utf-8" /> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=UTF-8" /> <title> The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Funny Bone, by Various Authors. </title> @@ -66,45 +66,7 @@ display: inline-block; text-align: left;} </style> </head> <body> - - -<pre> - -The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Funny Bone, edited by Henry Martyn Kieffer - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: The Funny Bone - Short Stories and Amusing Anecdotes for a Dull Hour - -Editor: Henry Martyn Kieffer - -Release Date: January 11, 2014 [EBook #44643] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE FUNNY BONE *** - - - - -Produced by David Edwards, Chuck Greif and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - - - - - - -</pre> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44643 ***</div> <hr class="full" /> @@ -5422,387 +5384,6 @@ saw</p> <hr class="full" /> - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Funny Bone, edited by Henry Martyn Kieffer - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE FUNNY BONE *** - -***** This file should be named 44643-h.htm or 44643-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/6/4/44643/ - -Produced by David Edwards, Chuck Greif and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, -set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to -copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to -protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project -Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you -charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you -do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the -rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose -such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and -research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do -practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is -subject to the trademark license, especially commercial -redistribution. - - - -*** START: FULL LICENSE *** - -THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE -PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK - -To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free -distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work -(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project -Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project -Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at -http://gutenberg.org/license). - - -Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works - -1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to -and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property -(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all -the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy -all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. -If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the -terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or -entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. - -1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be -used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who -agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few -things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works -even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See -paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement -and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic -works. See paragraph 1.E below. - -1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" -or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the -collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an -individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are -located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from -copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative -works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg -are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project -Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by -freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of -this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with -the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by -keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project -Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. - -1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern -what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in -a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check -the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement -before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or -creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project -Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning -the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United -States. - -1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: - -1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate -access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently -whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the -phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project -Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, -copied or distributed: - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - -1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived -from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is -posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied -and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees -or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work -with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the -work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 -through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the -Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or -1.E.9. - -1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted -with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution -must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional -terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked -to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the -permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. - -1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm -License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this -work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. - -1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this -electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without -prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with -active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project -Gutenberg-tm License. - -1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, -compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any -word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or -distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than -"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version -posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), -you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a -copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon -request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other -form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm -License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. - -1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, -performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works -unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. - -1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing -access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided -that - -- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from - the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method - you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is - owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he - has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the - Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments - must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you - prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax - returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and - sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the - address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to - the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." - -- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies - you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he - does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm - License. You must require such a user to return or - destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium - and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of - Project Gutenberg-tm works. - -- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any - money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the - electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days - of receipt of the work. - -- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free - distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. - -1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set -forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from -both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael -Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the -Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. - -1.F. - -1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable -effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread -public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm -collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic -works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain -"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or -corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual -property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a -computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by -your equipment. - -1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right -of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project -Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all -liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal -fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT -LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE -PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE -TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE -LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR -INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH -DAMAGE. - -1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a -defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can -receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a -written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you -received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with -your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with -the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a -refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity -providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to -receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy -is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further -opportunities to fix the problem. - -1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth -in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER -WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO -WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. - -1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied -warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. -If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the -law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be -interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by -the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any -provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. - -1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the -trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone -providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance -with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, -promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, -harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, -that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do -or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm -work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any -Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. - - -Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm - -Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of -electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers -including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists -because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from -people in all walks of life. - -Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the -assistance they need, are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's -goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will -remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure -and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. -To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation -and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 -and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. - - -Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive -Foundation - -The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit -501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the -state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal -Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification -number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at -http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg -Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent -permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. - -The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. -Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered -throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at -809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email -business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact -information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official -page at http://pglaf.org - -For additional contact information: - Dr. Gregory B. Newby - Chief Executive and Director - gbnewby@pglaf.org - - -Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg -Literary Archive Foundation - -Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide -spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of -increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be -freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest -array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations -($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt -status with the IRS. - -The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating -charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United -States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a -considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up -with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations -where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To -SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any -particular state visit http://pglaf.org - -While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we -have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition -against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who -approach us with offers to donate. - -International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make -any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from -outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. - -Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation -methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other -ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. -To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate - - -Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic -works. - -Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm -concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared -with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project -Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. - - -Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed -editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. -unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily -keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. - - -Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: - - http://www.gutenberg.org - -This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. - - -</pre> - +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44643 ***</div> </body> </html> |