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@@ -1,35 +1,4 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol.107, -September 1, 1894, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Punch or the London Charivari, Vol.107, September 1, 1894 - -Author: Various - -Release Date: September 29, 2013 [EBook #43845] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** - - - - -Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Wayne Hammond, -Malcolm Farmer and the Online Distributed Proofreading -Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 43845 *** PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. @@ -42,11 +11,11 @@ SEPTEMBER 1, 1894. [Illustration: "CONTRIBUTIONS THANKFULLY RECEIVED." -_Lardy-Dardy Swell (who is uncertain as to the age of Ingenue he is +_Lardy-Dardy Swell (who is uncertain as to the age of Ingénue he is addressing)._ "YOU'RE GOING TO GIVE A BALL. WILL YOU PERMIT ME TO SEND YOU A BOUQUET? AND IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU WOULD LIKE?" -_Ingenue._ "O, THANKS! THE BOUQUET WOULD BE _DELIGHTFUL_! +_Ingénue._ "O, THANKS! THE BOUQUET WOULD BE _DELIGHTFUL_! AND"--(_hesitating, then after some consideration_)--"I'M SURE MAMMA WOULD LIKE THE ICES AND SPONGE CAKES!"] @@ -362,7 +331,7 @@ enough--for that class of person. And it is intellect, soul, all that kind of thing that _I_ value. I look _below_ the surface, and I find a great deal that is very original and charming in this young man. And surely, my dear, if I find myself able to associate with him, _you_ need -not be so fastidious! I consider him my _protege_, and I won't have him +not be so fastidious! I consider him my _protégé_, and I won't have him slighted. He is far too good for VIVIEN SPELWANE! _Lady Culv._ (_with just a suspicion of malice_). Perhaps, ROHESIA, you @@ -880,7 +849,7 @@ this gent some bread! _Master_ (_savagely_). Can't you go about more quietly? _Mon._ (_hurt_). Certainly, Sir. When I was with Sir BARNABY---- -(_Disappears murmuring to himself, and returns with entree, which he +(_Disappears murmuring to himself, and returns with entrée, which he lets fall on dress of_ Principal Guest). Beg pardon, my Lady, but it was my stud, which _would_ come undone. Very sorry, indeed, Mum, but if you will allow me---- @@ -1420,361 +1389,4 @@ Spelling regularised without comment.] End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol.107, September 1, 1894, by Various -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** - -***** This file should be named 43845.txt or 43845.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/3/8/4/43845/ - -Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Wayne Hammond, -Malcolm Farmer and the Online Distributed Proofreading -Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Punch or the London Charivari, Vol.107, September 1, 1894 - -Author: Various - -Release Date: September 29, 2013 [EBook #43845] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** - - - - -Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Wayne Hammond, -Malcolm Farmer and the Online Distributed Proofreading -Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - -PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. - -VOL. 107. - -SEPTEMBER 1, 1894. - - - - -[Illustration: "CONTRIBUTIONS THANKFULLY RECEIVED." - -_Lardy-Dardy Swell (who is uncertain as to the age of Ingénue he is -addressing)._ "YOU'RE GOING TO GIVE A BALL. WILL YOU PERMIT ME TO SEND -YOU A BOUQUET? AND IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU WOULD LIKE?" - -_Ingénue._ "O, THANKS! THE BOUQUET WOULD BE _DELIGHTFUL_! -AND"--(_hesitating, then after some consideration_)--"I'M SURE MAMMA -WOULD LIKE THE ICES AND SPONGE CAKES!"] - - * * * * * - -THE TALE OF TWO TELEGRAMS. - -ANOTHER DOLLY DIALOGUE. - -(_By St. Anthony Hope Carter._) - -The redeeming feature of the morning batch of letters was a short note -from Lady MICKLEHAM. Her ladyship (and ARCHIE) had come back to town, -and the note was to say that I might call, in fact that I _was_ to call, -that afternoon. It so happened that I had two engagements, which seemed -to make that impossible, but I spent a shilling in telegrams, and at -4.30 (the hour DOLLY had named) was duly ringing at the Mickleham town -mansion. - -"I'm delighted you were able to come," was DOLLY'S greeting. - -"I wasn't able," I said; "but I've no doubt that what I said in the two -telegrams which brought me here will be put down to your account." - -"No one expects truth in a telegram. The Post-Office people themselves -wouldn't like it." - -DOLLY was certainly looking at her very best. Her dimples (everybody has -heard of DOLLY'S Dimples--or is it DOLLY DIMPLE; but after all it -doesn't matter) were as delightful as ever. I was just hesitating as to -my next move in the Dialogue, which I badly wanted, for I had promised -my editor one by the middle of next week. The choice lay between the -dimples and a remark that life was, after all, only one prolonged -telegram. Just at that moment I noticed for the first time that we were -not alone. - -Now that was distinctly exasperating, and an unwarrantable -breach of an implied contract. - -"Two's company," I said, in a tone of voice that was meant to -indicate something of what I felt. - -"So's three," said DOLLY, laughing, "if the third doesn't count." - -"_Quod est demonstrandum._" - -"Well, it's like this. I observed that you've already published -twenty or so 'Dolly Dialogues.'" (The dimples at this period were -absolutely bewitching, but I controlled myself.) "So it occurred to -me that it was my turn to earn an honest penny. Allow me to -introduce you. Mr. BROWN, Mr. CARTER--Mr. CARTER, Mr. BROWN." - -I murmured that any friend of Lady MICKLEHAM'S was a friend of mine, -whereat Mr. BROWN smiled affably and handed me his card, from which I -gathered that he was a shorthand writer at some address in Chancery -Lane. Then I understood it all. I had exploited DOLLY. DOLLY was now -engaged in the process of exploiting me. - -"I hope," I observed rather icily, "that you will choose a respectable -paper." - -"You don't mean that." - -"Perhaps not. But if we are to have a Dialogue, perhaps we might begin. -I have an engagement at six." - -"Telegraph, and put the contents down to my account." - -I noticed now that DOLLY had a pile of papers on her table, and that she -was playing with a blue pencil. - -"Yes, Lady MICKLEHAM," I said, in the provisional way in which judges -indicate to counsel that they are ready to proceed. - -"Well, I've been reading some of the Press Notices of the Dialogues, Mr. -CARTER." - -I trembled. I remembered some of the things that had been said about -DOLLY and myself, which hardly lent themselves, it appeared to me, to -this third party procedure. - -"I thought," pursued DOLLY, "we might spend the time in discussing the -critics." - -"I shall be delighted, if in doing that we shall dismiss the reporter." - -"Have you seen this? It's from a Scotch paper--Scottish? you -suggest--well, Scottish. 'The sketches are both lively and elegant, and -their lightness is just what people want in the warm weather.'" - -"It's a satisfaction to think that even our little breezes are a source -of cool comfort to our fellow-creatures." - -"Here's another criticism. 'It's a book which tempts the reader----'" - -"It must have been something you said." - -"'----a book which tempts the reader to peruse from end to end when once -he picks it up.'" - -"'Read at a Sitting: A Study in Colour.'" - -"Please, Mr. BROWN, don't take that down." - -"Thank you, Lady MICKLEHAM," said I. "_Litera scripta manet._" - -"You are not the Chancellor of the Exchequer, Mr. CARTER, and you must -break yourself of the habit." - -"The next cutting?" - -"The next says, 'For Mr. CARTER, the hero or reporter----'" - -"It's a calumny. I don't know a single shorthand symbol." - -"Let me go on. 'Reporter of these polite conversations, we confess we -have no particular liking.'" - -"If you assure me you did not write this yourself, Lady MICKLEHAM, I -care not who did." - -"That, Mr. BROWN," said DOLLY, in a most becoming frown, -"must _on no account_ go down." - -"When you have finished intimidating the Press, perhaps you -will finish the extract." - -"'His cynicism,'" she read, "'is too strained to commend him to -ordinary mortals----'" - -"No one would ever accuse you of being in that category." - -"'----but his wit is undeniable, and his impudence delicious.' -Well, Mr. CARTER?" - -"I should like the extract concluded." I knew the next sentence -commenced--"As for DOLLY, Lady MICKLEHAM, she outdoes all the -revolted daughters of feminine fiction." - -Then an annoying thing happened. ARCHIE'S voice was heard, -saying, "DOLLY, haven't you finished that Dialogue yet? We -ought to dress for dinner. It'll take us an hour to drive there." - -So it had been all arranged, and ARCHIE knew for what I had been -summoned. - -Yet there are compensations. DOLLY sent the Dialogue to the only -paper which I happen to edit. I regretfully declined it. But the -fact that she sent it may possibly explain why I have found it so -easy to give this account of what happened on that afternoon when -I sent the two telegrams. - - * * * * * - -The Cry of Chaos. - - "_Vive l'Anarchie?_"--Fools! Chaos shrieks in that cry! - _Did_ Anarchy live soon would Anarchists die. - One truth lights all history, well understood,-- - Disorder--like Saturn--devours its own brood. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: UNEARNED INCREMENT. - -_Experienced Jock (during preliminary canter, to Stable-boy, who has -been put up to make the running for him)._ "NOW, YOUNG 'UN, AS SOON AS -WE'RE OFF, YOU GO TO WORK AND MAKE THE PACE A HOT 'UN!" - -_Stable-boy (Irish)._ "BEGORRA THIN OI'M THINKIN' IT'S MESELF _ROIDES_ -THE RACE, AND YOU POCKETS ALL THE CREDIT O' WINNIN'!"] - - * * * * * - -"ROOM FOR A BIG ONE!" - - ["Mr. HERBERT GLADSTONE, as First Commissioner of Works, informed - the house that 'no series of historical personages could be complete - without the inclusion of CROMWELL,' and though he had no sum at his - disposal for defraying the cost of a statue this year, Sir WILLIAM - HARCOURT, as Chancellor of the Exchequer, had promised to make the - necessary provision in the estimates for next year."--_Spectator._] - - Room for the Regicide amongst our Kings? - Horrible thought, to set some bosoms fluttering! - The whirligig of time does bring some things - To set the very Muse of History muttering. - Well may the brewer's son, uncouth and rude, - Murmur--in scorn--"I hope I don't intrude!" - - Room, between CHARLES the fair and unveracious,-- - Martyr and liar, made comely by VANDYKE,-- - And CHARLES the hireling, callous and salacious? - Strange for the sturdy Huntingdonian tyke - To stand between Court spaniel and sleek hound! - Surely that whirligig hath run full round! - - Exhumed, cast out!--among our Kings set high! - (Which were the true dishonour NOLL might question.) - The sleek false STUARTS well might shrug and sigh Make room--for - _him_? - A monstrous, mad suggestion! O Right - Divine, most picturesque quaint craze, How art thou fallen upon evil - days! - - What will White Rose fanatics say to this? - Stuartomaniacs will ye not come wailing; - Or fill these aisles with one gregarious hiss - Of angry scorn, one howl of bitter railing? - To think that CHARLES the trickster, CHARLES the droll, - Should thus be hob-a-nobbed by red-nosed NOLL! - - Methinks I hear the black-a-vised one sneer "Ods bobs, - Sire, this is what I've long expected! - If they had _him_, and not his statue, here - Some other 'baubles' might be soon ejected. - Dark STRAFFORD--I mean SALISBURY--_might_ loose - More than his Veto, did he play the goose. - - "He'd find perchance that Huntingdon was stronger - Than Leeds with all its Programmes. - NOLL might vow That Measure-murder should go on no longer; - And that Obstruction he would check and cow. - Which would disturb MACALLUM MORE'S composure; - The Axe is yet more summary than the Closure! - - "As for the Commons--both with the Rad 'Rump' - And Tory 'Tail' alike he might deal tartly. - He'd have small mercy upon prig or pump; - I wonder what he'd think of B-WL-S and B-RTL-Y? - Depend upon it, NOLL would purge the place - Of much beside Sir HARRY and the Mace." - - Your Majesties make room there--for a Man! - Yes, after several centuries of waiting, - It seems that Smug Officialism's plan - A change from the next Session may be dating. - You tell us, genial HERBERT GLADSTONE, that you - _May_ find the funds, next year, for CROMWELL'S Statue! - - Room for a Big One! Well the STUART pair - May gaze on that stout shape as on a spectre. - Subject for England's sculptors it is rare - To find like that of England's Great Protector; - And he with bigot folly is imbued, - Who deems that CROMWELL'S Statute _can_ intrude! - -[Illustration: "ROOM FOR A BIG ONE!" - -_Cromwell._ "NOW THEN, YOUR MAJESTIES, I HOPE I DON'T INTRUDE!"] - - * * * * * - -"OH, YOU WICKED STORY!" - -(_Cry of the Cockney Street Child._) - -Speaking of our Neo-Neurotic and "Personal" Novelists, JAMES PAYN says: -"None of the authors of these works are storytellers." No, not in his -own honest, wholesome, stirring sense, certainly. But, like other -naughty--and nasty-minded--children, they "tell stories" in their own -way; "great big stories," too, and "tales out of school" into the -bargain. Having, like the Needy Knife-grinder, no story (in the true -sense) to tell, they tell--well, let us say, tara-diddles! Truth is -stranger than even _their_ fiction, but it is not always so "smart" or -so "risky" as a loose, long-winded, flippant, cynical and personal -literary "lie which is half a truth," in three sloppy, slangy, but -"smart"--oh, yes, decidedly "smart"--volumes! - - * * * * * - -LYRE AND LANCET. - -(_A Story in Scenes._) - -PART IX.--THE MAUVAIS QUART D'HEURE. - -SCENE XVI.--_The Chinese Drawing Room at Wyvern._ - -TIME--7.50. Lady CULVERIN _is alone, glancing over a written list._ - -_Lady Cantire (entering)._ Down already, ALBINIA? I _thought_ if I made -haste I should get a quiet chat with you before anybody else came in. -What is that paper? Oh, the list of couples for RUPERT. May I see? (_As_ -Lady CULVERIN _surrenders it_.) My dear, you're _not_ going to inflict -that mincing little PILLINER boy on poor MAISIE! That really _won't do_. -At least let her have somebody she's used to. Why not Captain -THICKNESSE? He's an old friend, and she's not seen him for months. I -must alter that, if you've no objection. (_She does._) And then you've -given my poor Poet to that SPELWANE girl! Now, _why_? - -_Lady Culverin._ I thought she wouldn't mind putting up with him just -for one evening. - -_Lady Cant._ Wouldn't _mind_! Putting up with him! And is that how you -speak of a celebrity when you are so fortunate as to have one to -entertain? _Really_, ALBINIA! - -_Lady Culv._ But, my dear ROHESIA, you must allow that, whatever his -talents may be, he is not--well, not _quite_ one of Us. Now, _is_ he? - -_Lady Cant._ (_blandly_). My dear, I never heard he had any connection -with the manufacture of chemical manures, in which your worthy Papa so -greatly distinguished himself--if _that_ is what you mean. - -_Lady Culv._ (_with some increase of colour_). That is _not_ what I -meant, ROHESIA--as you know perfectly well. And I do say that this Mr. -SPURRELL'S manner is most objectionable; when he's not obsequious, he's -horribly familiar! - -_Lady Cant._ (_sharply_). I have not observed it. He strikes me as well -enough--for that class of person. And it is intellect, soul, all that -kind of thing that _I_ value. I look _below_ the surface, and I find a -great deal that is very original and charming in this young man. And -surely, my dear, if I find myself able to associate with him, _you_ need -not be so fastidious! I consider him my _protégé_, and I won't have him -slighted. He is far too good for VIVIEN SPELWANE! - -_Lady Culv._ (_with just a suspicion of malice_). Perhaps, ROHESIA, you -would like him to take _you_ in? - -_Lady Cant._ That, of course, is quite out of the question. I see you -have given me the Bishop--he's a poor, dry stick of a man--never forgets -he was the Headmaster of Swisham--but he's always glad to meet _me_. I -freshen him up so. - -_Lady Culv._ I really don't know whom I _can_ give Mr. SPURRELL. There's -RHODA COKAYNE, but she's not poetical, and she'll get on much better -with ARCHIE BEARPARK. Oh, I forgot Mrs. BROOKE-CHATTERIS--she's sure to -_talk_, at all events. - -_Lady Cant._ (_as she corrects the list_). A lively, agreeable -woman--she'll amuse him. _Now_ you can give RUPERT the list. - - [Sir RUPERT _and various members of the house-party appear one by - one;_ Lord _and_ Lady LULLINGTON, _the_ Bishop of BIRCHESTER _and_ - Mrs. RODNEY, _and_ Mr. and Mrs. EARWAKER, _and_ Mr. SHORTHORN _are - announced at intervals; salutations, recognitions, and commonplaces - are exchanged_. - -_Lady Cant._ (_later--to the_ Bishop, _genially_). Ah, my dear Dr. -RODNEY, you and I haven't met since we had our great battle about--now, -was it the necessity of throwing open the Public Schools to the lower -classes--for whom of course they were originally _intended_--or was it -the failure of the Church to reach the Working Man? I really forget. - -_The Bishop_ (_who has a holy horror of the_ Countess). I--ah--fear -I cannot charge my memory so precisely, my dear Lady CANTIRE. -We--ah--differ unfortunately on so many subjects. I trust, however, we -may--ah--agree to suspend hostilities on this occasion? - -_Lady Cant._ (_with even more bonhomie_). Don't be too sure of _that_, -Bishop. I've several crows to pluck with you, and we are to go in to -dinner together, you know! - -_The Bishop._ Indeed? I had no conception that such a pleasure was in -store for me! (_To himself._) This must be the penance for breaking my -rule of never dining out on Saturday! Severe--but merited! - -_Lady Cant._ I wonder, Bishop, if you have seen this wonderful volume of -poetry that everyone is talking about--_Andromeda_? - -_The Bishop_ (_conscientiously_). I chanced only this morning, by way of -momentary relaxation, to take up a journal containing a notice of that -work, with copious extracts. The impression left on my mind -was--ah--unfavourable; a certain talent, no doubt, some felicity of -expression, but a noticeable lack of the--ah--reticence, the discipline, -the--the scholarly touch which a training at one of our great Public -Schools (I forbear to particularise), and at a University, can alone -impart. I was also pained to observe a crude discontent with the -existing Social System--a system which, if not absolutely perfect, -cannot be upset or even modified without the gravest danger. But I was -still more distressed to note in several passages a decided taint of the -morbid sensuousness which renders so much of our modern literature -sickly and unwholesome. - -_Lady Cant._ All prejudice, my dear Bishop; why, you haven't even _read_ -the book! However, the author is staying here now, and I feel convinced -that if you only knew him, you'd alter your opinion. Such an unassuming, -inoffensive creature! There, he's just come in. I'll call him over -here.... Goodness, why does he shuffle along in that way! - -_Spurrell_ (_meeting_ Sir RUPERT). Hope I've kept nobody waiting for -_me_, Sir RUPERT. (_Confidentially._) I'd rather a job to get these -things on; but they're really a wonderful fit, considering! - - [_He passes on, leaving his host speechless._ - -_Lady Cant._ That's right, Mr. SPURRELL. Come here, and let me present -you to the Bishop of BIRCHESTER. The Bishop has just been telling me he -considers your _Andromeda_ sickly, or unhealthy, or something. I'm sure -you'll be able to convince him it's nothing of the sort. - - [_She leaves him with the_ Bishop, _who is visibly annoyed._ - -_Spurr._ (_to himself, overawed_). Oh, Lor! Wish I knew the right way to -talk to a Bishop. Can't call _him_ nothing--so doosid familiar. -(_Aloud._) _Andromeda_ sickly, your--(_tentatively_)--your Right -Reverence? Not a bit of it--sound as a roach! - -_The Bishop._ If I had thought my--ah--criticisms were to be repeated--I -might say misrepresented, as the Countess has thought proper to do, Mr. -SPURRELL, I should not have ventured to make them. At the same time, you -must be conscious yourself, I think, of certain blemishes which would -justify the terms I employed. - -_Spurr._ I never saw any in _Andromeda_ myself, your--your Holiness. -You're the first to find a fault in her. I don't say there mayn't be -something dicky about the setting and the turn of the tail, but that's a -trifle. - -_The Bishop._ I did not refer to the setting of the tale, and the -portions I object to are scarcely trifles. But pardon me if I prefer to -end a discussion that is somewhat unprofitable. (_To himself, as he -turns on his heel._) A most arrogant, self-satisfied, and conceited -young man--a truly lamentable product of this half-educated age! - -_Spurr._ (_to himself_). Well, he may be a dab at dogmas--he don't know -much about dogs. _Drummy_'s got a constitution worth a dozen of _his_! - -_Lady Culv._ (_approaching him_). Oh, Mr. SPURRELL, Lord LULLINGTON -wishes to know you. If you will come with me. (_To herself, as she leads -him up to_ Lord L.) I do _wish_ ROHESIA wouldn't force me to do this -sort of thing! - - [_She presents him._ - -_Lord Lullington_ (_to himself_). I suppose I _ought_ to know all -about his novel, or whatever it is he's done. (_Aloud, with -courtliness._) Very pleased to make your acquaintance, Mr. SPURRELL; -you've--ah--delighted the world by your _Andromeda_. When are we to look -for your next production? Soon, I hope. - -_Spurr._ (_to himself_). He's after a pup now! Never met such a doggy -lot in my life! (_Aloud._) Er--well, my lord, I've promised so many as -it is, that I hardly see my way to---- - -_Lord Lull._ (_paternally_). Take my advice, my dear young man, leave -yourself as free as possible. Expect you to give us your best, you know. - - [_He turns to continue a conversation._ - -_Spurr._ (_to himself_). _Give_ it! He won't get it under a five-pound -note, I can tell him. (_He makes his way to_ Miss SPELWANE.) I say, what -do you think the old Bishop's been up to? Pitching into _Andromeda_ like -the very dooce--says she's _sickly_! - -_Miss Spelwane_ (_to herself_). He brings his literary disappointments -to _me_, not MAISIE! (_Aloud, with the sweetest sympathy._) How -dreadfully unjust! Oh, I've dropped my fan--no, pray don't trouble; I -can pick it up. My arms are so long, you know--like a kangaroo's--no, -what _is_ that animal which has such long arms? You're so clever, you -_ought_ to know! - -_Spurr._ I suppose you mean a gorilla? - -_Miss Spelw._ How crushing of you! But you must go away now, or else -you'll find nothing to say to me at dinner--you take me in, you know. I -hope you feel privileged. I feel----But if I told you, I might make you -too conceited! - -_Spurr._ Oh, no, you wouldn't. - - [Sir RUPERT _approaches with_ Mr. SHORTHORN. - -_Sir Rupert._ VIVIEN, my dear, let me introduce Mr. SHORTHORN--Miss -SPELWANE. (_To_ SPURRELL.) Let me see--ha--yes, you take in Mrs. -CHATTERIS. Don't know her? Come this way, and I'll find her for you. - - [_He marches_ SPURRELL _off._ - -_Mr. Shorthorn_ (_to_ Miss SPELWANE). Good thing getting this rain at -last; a little more of this dry weather and we should have had no grass -to speak of! - -_Miss Spelw._ (_who has not quite recovered from her disappointment_). -And now you _will_ have some grass to speak of? _How_ fortunate! - -_Spurr._ (_as dinner is announced, to_ Lady MAISIE). I say, Lady MAISIE, -I've just been told I've got to take in a married lady. I don't know -what to talk to her about. I should feel a lot more at home with you. -Couldn't we manage it somehow? - -_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). What a fearful suggestion--but I simply -_daren't_ snub him! (_Aloud._) I'm afraid, Mr. SPURRELL, we must both -put up with the partners we have; most distressing, isn't it--_but_! - - [_She gives a little shrug._ - -_Captain Thicknesse_ (_immediately behind her, to himself_). Gad, -_that_'s pleasant! I knew I'd better have gone to Aldershot! (_Aloud._) -I've been told off to take you in, Lady MAISIE, not _my_ fault, don't -you know. - -_Lady Maisie._ There's no need to be so apologetic about it. (_To -herself._) Oh, I _hope_ he didn't hear what I said to that wretch. - -_Capt. Thick._ Well, I rather thought there _might_ be, perhaps. - -_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). He _did_ hear it. If he's going to be so -stupid as to misunderstand, I'm sure _I_ shan't explain. - - [_They take their place in the procession to the Dining Hall._ - -[Illustration: "I'd rather a job to get these things on; but they're -really a wonderful fit, considering!"] - - * * * * * - -RATIONAL DRESS. - -(_A Reformer's Note to a Current Controversy._) - -[Illustration] - - OH, ungallant must be the man indeed - Who calls "nine women out of ten" "knock-kneed"! - And he should not remain in peace for long, - Who says "the nether limbs of women" are "all wrong." - Such are the arguments designed to prove - That Woman's ill-advised to make a move - To mannish clothes. These arguments are such - As to be of the kind that prove too much. - If Woman's limbs in truth unshapely grow, - The present style of dress just makes them so! - - * * * * * - -QUEER QUERIES.--A QUESTION OF TERMS.--I am sometimes allowed, by the -kindness of a warder, to see a newspaper, and I have just read that some -scientific cove says that man's natural life is 105 years. Now is this -true? I want to know, because I am in here for what the Judge called -"the term of my natural life," and, if it is to last for 105 years, I -consider I have been badly swindled. I say it quite respectfully, and I -hope the Governor will allow the expression to pass. Please direct -answers to Her Majesty's Prison, Princetown, Devon.--No. 67. - - * * * * * - -IN THREE VOLUMES. - -VOLUME I.--_Awakening._ - -AND so the work was done. BELINDA, after a year's hard writing, had -completed her self-appointed task. _Douglas the Doomed One_ had grown by -degrees into its present proportions. First the initial volume was -completed; then the second was finished; and now the third was ready for -the printer's hands. But who should have it? Ah, there was the rub! -BELINDA knew no publishers and had no influence. How could she get -anyone to take the novel up? And yet, if she was to believe the -_Author_, there was plenty of room for untried talent. According to that -interesting periodical publishers were constantly on the lookout for -undiscovered genius. Why should she not try the firm of Messrs. BINDING -AND PRINT? She made up her mind. She set her face hard, and muttered, -"Yes, they _shall_ do it! _Douglas the Doomed One_ shall appear with the -assistance of Messrs. BINDING AND PRINT!" And when BELINDA made up her -mind to do anything, not wild omnibus-horses would turn her from her -purpose. - -[Illustration] - -VOLUME II.--_Wide Awake._ - -Messrs. BINDING AND PRINT had received their visitor with courtesy. They -did not require to read _Douglas the Doomed One_. They had discovered -that it was sufficiently long to make the regulation three volumes. That -was all that was necessary. They would accept it. They would be happy to -publish it. - -"And about terms?" murmured BELINDA. - -"Half profits," returned Mr. BINDING, with animation. - -"When we have paid for the outlay we shall divide the residue," cried -Mr. PRINT. - -"And do you think I shall soon get a cheque?" asked the anxious -authoress. - -"Well, that is a question not easy to answer. You see, we usually spend -any money we make in advertising. It does the work good in the long run, -although at first it rather checks the profits." - -BELINDA was satisfied, and took her departure. - -"We must advertise _Douglas the Doomed One_ in the _Skatemaker's -Quarterly Magazine_," said Mr. BINDER. - -"And in the _Crossing Sweeper's Annual_," replied Mr. PRINT. Then the -two partners smiled at one another knowingly. They laughed as they -remembered that of both the periodicals they had mentioned they were the -proprietors. - -VOLUME III.--_Fast Asleep._ - -The poor patient at Slocum-on-Slush moaned. He had been practically -awake for a month, and nothing could send him to sleep. The Doctor held -his wrist, and as he felt the rapid beats of his pulse became graver and -graver. - -"And you have no friends, no relatives?" - -"No. My only visitor was the man who brought that box of books from a -metropolitan library." - -"A box of books!" exclaimed the Doctor. "There may yet be time to save -his life!" - -The man of science rose abruptly, and approaching the casket containing -the current literature of the day, roughly forced it open. He hurriedly -inspected its contents. He turned over the volumes impatiently until he -reached a set. - -"The very thing!" he murmured. "If I can but get him to read this he -will be saved." Then turning to his patient he continued, "You should -peruse this novel. It is one that I recommend in cases such as yours." - -"I am afraid I am past reading," returned the invalid. "However, I will -do my best." - -An hour later the Doctor (who had had to make some calls) returned and -found that his patient was sleeping peacefully. The first volume of -_Douglas the Doomed One_ had the desired result. - -"Excellent, excellent," murmured the medico. "It had the same effect -upon another of my patients. The crisis is over! He will now recover -like the other. Insomnia has been conquered for the second time by -_Douglas the Doomed One_, and who now shall say that the three-volume -novel of the amateur is not a means of spreading civilisation? It must -be a mine of wealth to somebody." - -And Messrs. BINDING AND PRINT, had they heard the Doctor's remark, -would have agreed with him! - - * * * * * - -All the Difference. - - "THE SPEAKER then called Mr. LITTLE to order." - Quite right in our wise and most vigilant warder. - He calls us to order! Oh that, without fuss, - The SPEAKER could only call Order to us! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: RES ANGUSTA DOMI. - -(_In a Children's Hospital._) - -"MY PORE YABBIT'S DEAD!" - -"HOW SAD!" - -"DADDA KILLED MY PORE YABBIT IN BACK KITCHEN!" - -"OH DEAR!" - -"I HAD TATERS WIV MY PORE YABBIT!"] - - * * * * * - -"A LITTLE TOO PREVIOUS!" - - ["I desire to submit that this is a very great question, which will - have to be determined, but upon a very different ground from that of - the salaries of the officers of the House of Lords.... If there is - to be a contest between the House of Lords and the House of Commons, - let us take it upon higher ground than this."--_Sir William - Harcourt._] - - There was a little urchin, and he had an old horse-pistol, - Which he rammed with powder damp and shots of lead, lead, lead; - And he cried "I know not fear! I'll go stalking of the deer!" - For this little cove was slightly off his head, head, head. - - This ambitious little lad was a Paddy and a Rad, - And himself he rather fancied as a shot, shot, shot; - And he held the rules of sport, and close season, and, in short, - The "regulation rubbish" was all rot, rot, rot. - - He held a "bird" a thing to be potted on the wing, - Or perched upon a hedge, or up a tree, tree, tree; - And, says he, "If a foine stag I can add to my small bag, - A pistol _or_ a Maxim will suit me, me, me!" - - And so upon all fours he would crawl about the moors, - To the detriment of elbows, knees, and slack, slack, slack; - And he says, "What use a-talking? If I choose to call this 'stalking,' - And _I bag my game_, who's going to hould me back, back, back?" - - Says he, "I scoff at raisons, and stale talk of toimes and saisons; - I'm game to shoot a fox, or spear a stag, stag, stag; - Nay, I'd net, or club, a salmon; your old rules of sport are gammon, - For wid me it's just a question of the bag, bag, bag! - - "There are omadhauns, I know, who would let a foine buck go - Just bekase 'twas out of toime, or they'd no gun, gun, gun; - But if oi can hit, and hurt, wid a pistol--or a squirt-- - By jabers, it is all the betther fun, fun, fun!" - - So he scurryfunged around with his stomach on the ground - (For stalking seems of crawling a mere branch, branch, branch). - And he spied "a stag of ten," and he cried, "Hurroo! Now then, - I fancy I can hit _him_--in the haunch, haunch haunch! - - "Faix! I'll bag that foine Stag Royal, or at any rate oi'll troy all - The devoices of a sportshman from the Oisle, Oisle, Oisle. - One who's used to shoot asprawl from behoind a hedge or wall, - At the risks of rock and heather well may smoile, smoile, smoile!" - - But our sportsman bold, though silly, by a stalwart Highland gillie, - Was right suddenly arrested ere he fired, fired, fired.-- - "Hoots! If you'll excuse the hint, that old thing, with lock of flint, - As a weapon for _this_ sport can't be admired, mired, mired! - - "It will not bring down _that_ quarry, your horse-pistol! Don't _you_ - worry! - That Royal Stag _we_'ll stalk, boy, in good time, time, time; - But to pop at it just now, and kick up an awful row, - Scare, and _miss_ it were a folly, nay a crime, crime, crime! - - "Be you sure 'Our Party' will this fine quarry track and kill; - Our guns need not your poor toy blunderbuss, buss, buss. - This is not the time or place for a-following up this chase; - So just clear out and leave this game to us, us, us!" - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "A LITTLE TOO PREVIOUS!" - -H-RC-RT. "NO, NO, MY LAD! THAT WON'T HURT HIM! YOU MUST LEAVE HIM TO -_US_!"] - - * * * * * - -IN MEMORIAM. - - [Baron MUNDY, the founder of the valuable Vienna Voluntary Sanitary - Ambulance Society, mighty foe of disease and munificent dispenser of - charity, shot himself on Thursday, August 23, on the banks of the - Danube, at the advanced age of 72.] - - Great sanitary leader and reformer, - Disease's scourge and potent pest-house stormer; - Successful foe of cholera aforetime, - Perfecter of field-ambulance in war-time; - Dispenser of a fortune in large charity; - _Vale!_ Such heroes are in sooth a rarity. - Alas, that you in death should shock Dame GRUNDY! - That we should sigh "_Sic transit gloria_ MUNDY!" - - * * * * * - -A CLOTHES DIVISION (OF OPINION).--It is said that Woman cannot afford to -alter her style of dress, since her limbs are "all wrong." Clear, -therefore, that however much Woman's Wrongs need redressing, All-Wrong -Women don't! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: Q. E. D. - -"WHAT'S UP WI' SAL?" - -"AIN'T YER ERD? SHE'S MARRIED AGIN!"] - - * * * * * - -"AUXILIARY ASSISTANCE" IN THE PROVINCES. - -(_A Tragedy-Farce in several painful Scenes, with many unpleasant -Situations._) - -LOCALITY--_The Interior of Country Place taken for the Shooting Season. -Preparations for a feast in all directions. It is Six o' Clock, and the -household are eagerly waiting the appearance of_ MONTAGU MARMADUKE, the -Auxiliary Butler, _sent in by Contract. Enter_ MONTAGU MARMADUKE, _in -comic evening dress._ - -_Master_ (_looking at_ MONTAGU _with an expression of disappointment on -his face_). What, are _you_ the man they have sent me? - -_Montagu._ Yessir. And I answers to MONTAGU MARMADUKE, or some gentlemen -prefers to call me by my real name BINKS. - -_Master._ Oh, MONTAGU will do. I hope you know your duties? - -_Mon._ Which I was in service, Sir, with Sir BARNABY JINKS, for -twenty-six years, and---- - -_Master._ Very well, I daresay you will do. I suppose you know about the -wine? - -_Mon._ Yessir. In course. I've been a teetotaler ever since I left Sir -BARNABY'S. - -_Master_ (_retiring_). And mind, do not murder the names of the guests. - - [_Exit._ - - [_The time goes on, and Company arrive._ MONTAGU _ushers them - upstairs, and announces them under various aliases._ Sir HENRY - EISTERFODD _is introduced as_ Sir 'ENERY EASTEREGG, _&c., &c._ - _After small talk, the guests find their way to the dining-room._ - -_Mon._ (_to_ Principal Guest). Do you take sherry, claret, or 'ock, my -Lady? - -_Principal Guest_ (_interrupted in a conversation_). Claret, please. - - [MONTAGU _promptly pours the required liquid on to the table-cloth._ - -_Master._ I must apologise, but our Butler, who is on trial, is very -short-sighted. - -_P. Guest._ Evidently. - - [_The wine is brought round;_ MONTAGU _interrupting the conversation - with his hospitable suggestions, and pouring claret into champagne - glasses, and champagne into sherries._ - -_Nervous Guest_ (_in an undertone to_ MONTAGU). Do you think you could -get me, by-and-by, a piece of bread? - -_Mon._ Bread, Sir, yessir! (_In stentorian tones._) Here, NISBET, bring -this gent some bread! - - [_The unfortunate guest, who is overcome with confusion at having - attracted so much attention, is waited upon by_ NISBET. - -_Master_ (_savagely_). Can't you go about more quietly? - -_Mon._ (_hurt_). Certainly, Sir. When I was with Sir BARNABY---- -(_Disappears murmuring to himself, and returns with entrée, which he -lets fall on dress of_ Principal Guest). Beg pardon, my Lady, but it was -my stud, which _would_ come undone. Very sorry, indeed, Mum, but if you -will allow me---- - - [_Produces a soiled dinner-napkin with a flourish._ - -_P. Guest_ (_in much alarm_). No thanks! - - [_General commiseration, and, a little later, disappearance of - ladies. After this,_ MONTAGU _does not reappear except to call - obtrusively for carriages, and tout for tips._ - -_P. Guest_ (_on bidding her host good-night_). I can assure you my gown -was not injured in the least. I am quite sure it was only an accident. - -_Master_ (_bowing_). You are most kind. (_With great severity._) As a -matter of fact, the man only came to us this afternoon, but, after what -has happened, he shall not remain in my service another hour! I shall -dismiss him to-night! - - [_Exit_ Principal Guest. Master _pays_ MONTAGU _the agreed fee for - his services for the evening. Curtain._ - - * * * * * - -TO A PHILANTHROPIST. - - You ask me, Madam, if by chance we meet, - For money just to keep upon its feet - That hospital, that school, or that retreat, - That home. - - I help that hospital? My doctor's fee - Absorbs too much. Alas! I cannot be - An inmate there myself; he comes to me - At home. - - Do not suppose I have too close a fist. - Rent, rates, bills, taxes, make a fearful list; - I should be homeless if I did assist - That home. - - I must--it is my impecunious lot-- - Economise the little I have got; - So if I see you coming I am "not - At home." - - My clothes are shabby. How I should be dunned - By tailor, hatter, hosier, whom I've shunned, - If I supported that school clothing fund, - That home! - - I'd help if folks wore nothing but their skins; - This hat, this coat, at which the street-boy grins, - Remind me still that "Charity begins - At home." - - * * * * * - -Kiss versus Kiss. - - On the cold cannon's mouth the Kiss of Peace - Should fall like flowers, and bid its bellowings cease!-- - But ah! that Kiss of Peace seems very far - From being as strong as the _Hotch_kiss of War! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: QUALIFIED ADMIRATION. - -_Country Vicar._ "WELL, JOHN, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF LONDON?" - -_Yokel._ "LOR' BLESS YER, SIR, IT'LL BE A FINE PLACE _WHEN IT'S -FINISHED_!"] - - * * * * * - -PAGE FROM "ROSEBERY'S HISTORY OF THE COMMONWEALTH." - -(_With Mr. Punch's Compliments to the Gentleman who will have to design -"that statue."_) - -"You really must join the Army," said the stern old Puritan to the Lord -Protector. "The fate of this fair realm of England depends upon the -promptness with which you assume command." - -OLIVER CROMWELL paused. He had laid aside his buff doublet, and had -donned a coat of a thinner material. His sword also was gone, and -hanging by his side was a pair of double spy-glasses--new in those -days--new in very deed. - -"I cannot go," cried the Lord Protector at last, "it would be too great -a sacrifice." - -"You said not that," pursued IRETON--for it was he--"when you called -upon CHARLES to lose his head." - -"But in this case, good sooth, I would wish a head to be won, or the -victory to be by a head;" and then the Uncrowned King laughed long and -heartily, as was his wont when some jest tickled him. - -"This is no matter for merriment," exclaimed IRETON sternly. "OLIVER, -you are playing the fool. You are sacrificing for pleasure, business, -duty." - -"Well, I cannot help it," was the response. "But mind you, IRETON, it -shall be the last time." - -"What is it that attracts you so strongly? What is the pleasure that -lures you away from the path of duty?" - -"I will tell you, and then you will pity, perchance forgive me. To-day -my horse runs at Epsom. With luck his chance is a certainty. So -farewell." Then the two old friends grasped hands and parted. One went -to fight on the blood-stained field of battle, and the other to see the -race for the Derby. - - * * * * * - -ON A CLUMSY CRICKETER. - - At TIMBERTOES his Captain rails - As one in doleful dumps; - Oft given "leg before"--the bails, - Not bat before--the stumps. - The Genevese Professor YUNG - Believes the time approaches - When man will lose his legs, ill-slung, - Through trams, cars, cabs, and coaches; - Or that those nether limbs will be - The merest of survivals. - The thought fills TIMBERTOES with glee, - No more he'll fear his rivals. - "Without these bulky, blundering pegs - I shall not fail to score, - For if a man has got no legs, - He _can't_ get 'leg-before.'" - - * * * * * - -SITTING ON OUR SENATE. - -SIR,--It struck me that the best and simplest way of finding out what -were the intentions of the Government with regard to the veto of the -Peers was to write and ask each individual Member his opinion on the -subject. Accordingly I have done so, and it seems to me that there is a -vast amount of significance in the nature of the replies I have -received, to anyone capable of reading between the lines; or, as most of -the communications only extended to a single line, let us say to anyone -capable of reading beyond the full-stop. Lord ROSEBERY'S Secretary, for -example, writes that "the Prime Minister is at present out of town"--_at -present_, you see, but obviously on the point of coming back, in order -to grapple with my letter and the question generally. Sir WILLIAM -HARCOURT, his Secretary, writes, "is at Wiesbaden, but upon his return -your communication will no doubt receive his attention"--_receive his -attention_, an ominous phrase for the Peers, who seem hardly to realise -that between them and ruin there is only the distance from Wiesbaden to -Downing Street. Then Mr. MORLEY "sees no reason to alter his published -opinion on the subject"--_alter_, how readily, by the prefixing of a -single letter, that word becomes _halter_! I was unable to effect -personal service of my letter on the ATTORNEY-GENERAL, possibly because -I called at his chambers during the Long Vacation; but the fact that a -card should have been attached to his door bearing the words "Back at 2 -P.M." surely indicates that Sir JOHN RIGBY will _back up_ his leaders in -any approaching attack on the fortress of feudalism! Then surely the -circumstance that the other Ministers to whom my letters were addressed -_have not as yet sent any answer_ shows how seriously they regard the -situation, and how disinclined they are to commit themselves to a too -hasty reply! In fact, the outlook for the House of Lords, judging from -these Ministerial communications, is decidedly gloomy, and I am inclined -to think that an Autumn Session devoted to abolishing it is a most -probable eventuality. - - Yours, - - FUSSY-CUSS EXSPECTANS. - -SIR,--The real way of dealing with the Lords is as follows. The next -time that they want to meet, cut off their gas and water! Tell the -butcher and baker _not_ to call at the House for orders, and dismiss the -charwomen who dust their bloated benches. If _this_ doesn't bring them -to reason, nothing will. - -HIGH-MINDED DEMOCRAT. - - * * * * * - -IN PRAISE OF BOYS. - -(_By an "Old One."_) - - ["A Mother of Boys," angry with Mr. JAMES PAYN for his dealings with - "that barbarous race," suggests that as an _amende honorable_ he - should write a book in praise of boys.] - - In praise of boys? In praise of boys? - Who mess the house, and make a noise, - And break the peace, and smash their toys, - And dissipate domestic joys, - Do everything that most annoys, - The BOBS and BILLYS, RALPHS and ROYS?-- - Just as well praise a hurricane, - The buzzing fly on the window-pane, - An earthquake or a rooting pig! - No, young or old, or small or big, - A boy's a pest, a plague, a scourge, - A dread domestic demiurge - Who brings the home to chaos' verge. - The _only_ reason I can see - For praising him is--well, that he, - As WORDSWORTH--so his dictum ran-- - Declared, is "father to the man." - And even then the better plan - Would be that he, calm, sober, sage, - Were--_born at true paternal age_! - Did all boys start at twenty-five - I were the happiest "Boy" alive! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A LITTLE "NEW WOMAN." - -_He._ "WHAT A SHAME IT IS THAT MEN MAY ASK WOMEN TO MARRY THEM, AND -WOMEN MAYN'T ASK MEN!" - -_She._ "OH, WELL, YOU KNOW, I SUPPOSE THEY CAN ALWAYS GIVE A SORT OF -_HINT_!" - -_He._ "WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY A _HINT_?" - -_She._ "WELL--THEY CAN ALWAYS SAY, 'OH, I DO _LOVE_ YOU SO!'"] - - * * * * * - -THE PULLMAN CAR. - -(AIR--"_The Low-backed Car._") - - I rather like that Car, Sir, - 'Tis easy for a ride. - But gold galore - May mean strife and gore. - If 'tis stained with greed and pride. - Though its comforts are delightful, - And its cushions made with taste, - There's a spectre sits beside me - That I'd gladly fly in haste-- - As I ride in the Pullman Car; - And echoes of wrath and war, - And of Labour's mad cheers, - Seem to sound in my ears - As I ride in the Pullman Car! - - * * * * * - -QUEER QUERIES.--"SCIENCE FALSELY SO CALLED."--What is this talk at the -British Association about a "new gas"? Isn't the old good enough? My -connection--as a shareholder--with one of our leading gas companies, -enables me to state authoritatively that no new gas is required by the -public. I am surprised that a nobleman like Lord RAYLEIGH should even -attempt to make such a thoroughly useless, and, indeed, revolutionary -discovery. It is enough to turn anyone into a democrat at once. And what -was Lord SALISBURY, as a Conservative, doing, in allowing such a subject -to be mooted at Oxford? Why did he not at once turn the new gas off at -the meter? - -INDIGNANT. - - * * * * * - -OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. - -[Illustration] - -From HENRY SOTHERAN & CO. (so a worthy Baronite reports) comes a second -edition of _Game Birds and Shooting Sketches_, by JOHN GUILLE MILLAIS. -Every sportsman who is something more than a mere bird-killer ought to -buy this beautiful book. Mr. MILLAIS' drawings are wonderfully delicate, -and, so far as I can judge, remarkably accurate. He has a fine touch for -plumage, and renders with extraordinary success the bold and resolute -bearing of the British game-bird in the privacy of his own peculiar -haunts. I am glad the public have shown themselves sufficiently -appreciative to warrant Mr. MILLAIS in putting forth a second edition of -a book which is the beautiful and artistic result of very many days of -patient and careful observation. By the way, there is an illustration of -a Blackcock Tournament, which is, for knock-about primitive humour, as -good as a pantomime rally. One more by-the-way. Are we in future to -spell Capercailzie with an extra l in place of the z, as Mr. MILLAIS -spells it? Surely it is rather wanton thus to annihilate the pride of -the sportsman who knew what was what, and who never pronounced the z. If -you take away the z you take away all merit from him. Perhaps Mr. -MILLAIS will consider the matter in his third edition. - -THE BARON DE B.-W. - - * * * * * - -WET-WILLOW. - -A SONG OF A SLOPPY SEASON. - -(_By a Washed-Out Willow-Wielder._) - -AIR--"_Titwillow._" - - In the dull, damp pavilion a popular "Bat" - Sang "Willow, wet-willow, wet-willow!" - And I said "Oh! great slogger, pray what are you at, - Singing 'Willow, wet-willow, wet-willow'? - Is it lowness of average, batsman," I cried; - "Or a bad 'brace of ducks' that has lowered your pride?" - With a low-muttered swear-word or two he replied, - "Oh willow, wet-willow, wet-willow!" - - He said "In the mud one can't score, anyhow, - Singing willow, wet-willow, wet-willow! - The people are raising a deuce of a row, - Oh willow, wet-willow, wet-willow! - I've been waiting all day in these flannels--they're damp!-- - The spectators impatiently shout, shriek, and stamp, - But a batsman, you see, cannot play with a Gamp, - Oh willow, wet-willow, wet-willow! - - "Now I feel just as sure as I am that my name - Isn't willow, wet-willow, wet-willow, - The people will swear that I don't play the game, - Oh willow, wet-willow, wet-willow! - My spirits are low and my scores are not high, - But day after day we've soaked turf and grey sky, - And I shan't have a chance till the wickets get dry, - Oh willow, wet-willow, wet-willow!!!" - - * * * * * - -INVALIDED! - -_Deplorable Result of the Forecast of Aug. 23 on the "D. G." Weather -Girl._ - -[Illustration: FORECAST.--Fair, warmer. WARNINGS.--None issued. ACTUAL -WEATHER.--Raining cats and dogs. _Moral._--Wear a mackintosh over your -classical costume.] - - * * * * * - -A Question of "Rank." - - "His Majesty King Grouse, noblest of game!" - So toasted Host. Replied the Guest, with dryness,-- - "I think that in _this_ house the fitter name - Would be His Royal _Highness_!" - - * * * * * - -ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. - -EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. - -_House of Commons, Monday, August 20._--ASHMEAD-BARTLETT (Knight) is the -CASABIANCA of Front Opposition Bench. All but he have fled. Now his -opportunity; will show jealous colleagues, watchful House, and -interested country, how a party should be led. Had an innings on -Saturday, when, in favourite character of Dompter of British and other -Lions, he worried Under Secretaries for Foreign Affairs and the -Colonies. Didn't get much out of them. In fact what happened seems to -confirm quaint theory SARK advances. - -Says he believes those two astute young men, EDWARD GREY and SYDNEY -BUXTON, "control" the Sheffield Knight. They are active and ambitious. -Still only juniors. Moreover, things are managed so well both at -Foreign Office and Colonial Office that they have no opportunity of -distinguishing themselves. The regular representatives on the Front -Opposition Bench of Foreign Affairs and Colonies say nothing; -patriotically acquiescent in management of concerns in respect of which -it is the high tradition of English statesmanship that the political -game shall not be played. In such circumstances no opening for able -young men. But, suppose they could induce some blatant, irresponsible -person, persistently to put groundless questions, and make insinuations -derogatory to the character of British statesmen at home and British -officials abroad? Then they step in, and, amid applause on both sides of -House, knock over the intruder. Sort of game of House of Commons -nine-pins. Nine-pin doesn't care so that it's noticed; admirable -practice for young Parliamentary Hands. - -_Invaluable to Budding Statesmen._] - -This is SARK'S suggestion of explanation of phenomenon. Fancy much -simpler one might be found. To-night BARTLETT-ELLIS in better luck. -Turns upon ATTORNEY-GENERAL; darkly hints that escape of JABEZ was a -put-up job, of which Law Officers of the Crown might, an' they would, -disclose some interesting particulars. RIGBY, who, when he bends his -step towards House of Commons, seems to leave all his shrewdness and -knowledge of the world in his chambers, rose to the fly; played -BASHMEAD-ARTLETT'S obvious game by getting angry, and delivering long -speech whilst progress of votes, hitherto going on swimmingly, was -arrested for fully an hour. - -_Business done._--Supply voted with both hands. - -_Tuesday._--A precious sight, one worthy of the painter's or sculptor's -art, to see majestic figure of SQUIRE OF MALWOOD standing between House -of Lords and imminent destruction. Irish members and Radicals opposite -have sworn to have blood of the Peers. SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE is -taking the waters elsewhere. In his absence do the best we can. Sat up -all last night, the Radicals trying to get at the Lords by the kitchen -entrance; SQUIRE withstanding them till four o'clock in the morning. -Began again to-night. Education Vote on, involving expenditure of six -millions and welfare of innumerable children. Afterwards the Post Office -Vote, upon which the Postmaster-General, ST. ARNOLD-LE-GRAND, endeavours -to reply to HENNIKER-HEATON without betraying consciousness of bodily -existence of such a person. These matters of great and abiding interest; -but only few members present to discuss them. The rest waiting outside -till the lists are cleared and battle rages once more round citadel of -the Lords sullenly sentineled by detachment from the Treasury Bench. - -When engagement reopened SQUIRE gone for his holiday trip, postponed by -the all-night sitting, JOHN MORLEY on guard. Breaks force of assault by -protest that the time is inopportune. By-and-by the Lords shall be -handed over to tender mercies of gentlemen below gangway. Not just now, -and not in this particular way. CHIEF SECRETARY remembers famous case of -absentee landlord not to be intimidated by the shooting of his agent. So -Lords, he urges, not to be properly punished for throwing out Evicted -Tenants Bill by having the salaries of the charwomen docked, and BLACK -ROD turned out to beg his bread. - -Radicals at least not to be denied satisfaction of division. Salaries -of House of Lords staff secured for another year by narrow majority -of 31. - -_Business done._--Nearly all. - -_Wednesday._--The SQUIRE OF MALWOOD at last got off for his well-earned -holiday. Carries with him consciousness of having done supremely well -amid difficulties of peculiar complication. As JOSEPH in flush of -unexpected and still unexplained frankness testified, the Session will -in its accomplished work beat the record of any in modern times. The -SQUIRE been admirably backed by a rare team of colleagues; but in House -of Commons everything depends on the Leader. Had the Session been a -failure, upon his head would have fallen obloquy. As it has been a -success, his be the praise. - -"Well, good bye," said JOHN MORLEY, tears standing in his tender eyes as -he wrung the hand of the almost Lost Leader. "But you know it's not all -over yet. There's the Appropriation Bill. What shall we do if WEIR comes -up on Second Reading?" - -"Oh, dam WEIR," said the SQUIRE. - -JOHN MORLEY inexpressibly shocked. For a moment thought a usually -equable temper had been ruffled by the almost continuous work of twenty -months, culminating in an all-night sitting. On reflection he saw that -the SQUIRE was merely adapting an engineering phrase, describing a -proceeding common enough on river courses. The only point on which -remark open to criticism is that it is tautological. - -_Business done._--Appropriation Bill brought in. - -_Thursday._--GEORGE NEWNES looked in just now; much the same as ever; -the same preoccupied, almost pensive look; a mind weighed down by -ever-multiplying circulation. Troubled with consideration of proposal -made to him to publish special edition of _Strand Magazine_ in tongue -understanded of the majority of the peoples of India. Has conquered -the English-speaking race from Chatham to Chattanooga, from Southampton -to Sydney. Now lo! The poor Indian brings his annas, and begs a boon. - -Meanwhile one of the candidates for vacant Poet Laureateship has broken -out into elegiac verse. "NEWNES," he exclaims, - - "NEWNES, noble hearted, shine, for ever shine; - Though not of royal, yet of hallowed line." - -That sort of thing would make some men vain. There is no couplet to -parallel it since the famous one written by POPE on a place frequented -by a Sovereign whose death is notorious, a place where - - Great ANNA, whom three realms obey, - Did sometimes counsel take and sometimes tea. - -The poet, whose volume bears the proudly humble pseudonym "A Village -Peasant," should look in at the House of Commons and continue his -studies. There are a good many of us here worth a poet's attention. SARK -says the thing is easy enough. "Toss 'em off in no time," says he. -"There's the SQUIRE now, who has not lately referred to his Plantagenet -parentage. Apostrophising him in Committee on Evicted Tenants Bill one -might have said:-- - - SQUIRE, noble hearted, shine, for ever shine; - Though not of hallowed yet of royal line." - -_Business done._--Appropriation Bill read second time. WEIR turned up. -Sir WILFRID LAWSON and others said "Dam." - -_Saturday._--Appropriation Bill read third time this morning. -Prorogation served with five o'clock tea. - -"Parleyment!" said one of the House of Commons waiters loitering at the -gateway of Palace Yard and replying to inquiring visitor from the -country. "Parleyment's horff." So am I. - -_Business done._--All. - -[Illustration: THE IMPERIAL SHEFFIELD NINE-PIN. - - * * * * * - -TO DOROTHY. - -(_My Four-year-old Sweetheart._) - - To make sweet hay I was amazed to find - You absolutely did not know the way, - Though when you did, it seemed much to your mind - To make sweet hay. - - We wandered out. It was a perfect day. - I asked if I might teach you. You were kind - Enough to answer, "Why, _of course_, you may." - I kissed your pretty face with hay entwined, - We made sweet hay. But what will Mother say - If in a dozen years we're still inclined - To make sweet hay? - - * * * * * - -[Transcriber's Note: - -Alternative spellings retained. - -Punctuation normalised without comment. - -Spelling regularised without comment.] - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, -Vol.107, September 1, 1894, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** - -***** This file should be named 43845-8.txt or 43845-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/3/8/4/43845/ - -Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Wayne Hammond, -Malcolm Farmer and the Online Distributed Proofreading -Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Punch or the London Charivari, Vol.107, September 1, 1894 - -Author: Various - -Release Date: September 29, 2013 [EBook #43845] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** - - - - -Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Wayne Hammond, -Malcolm Farmer and the Online Distributed Proofreading -Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - -</pre> - +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 43845 ***</div> <hr class="full" /> @@ -224,12 +186,12 @@ title="CONTRIBUTIONS THANKFULLY RECEIVED." /></a> <img class="w2" src="images/hand.png" alt="hand" title="hand" />"CONTRIBUTIONS THANKFULLY RECEIVED."</p> -<p><i>Lardy-Dardy Swell (who is uncertain as to the age of Ingénue he is +<p><i>Lardy-Dardy Swell (who is uncertain as to the age of Ingénue he is addressing).</i> "<span class="smcap">You're going to give a Ball. Will you permit me to send you a Bouquet? And is there anything else you would like?</span>"</p> -<p><i>Ingénue.</i> "<span class="smcap">O, thanks! The Bouquet would be <i>delightful</i>! +<p><i>Ingénue.</i> "<span class="smcap">O, thanks! The Bouquet would be <i>delightful</i>! and</span>"—(<i>hesitating, then after some consideration</i>)—"<span class="smcap">I'm sure Mamma would like the Ices and Sponge Cakes!</span>"</p> </div> @@ -620,7 +582,7 @@ very original and charming in this young man. And surely, my dear, if I find myself able to associate with him, <i>you</i> need not be so fastidious! -I consider him my <i>protégé</i>, and I won't +I consider him my <i>protégé</i>, and I won't have him slighted. He is far too good for <span class="smcap">Vivien Spelwane</span>!</p> @@ -1284,7 +1246,7 @@ more quietly?</p> <p><i>Mon.</i> (<i>hurt</i>). Certainly, Sir. When I was with Sir <span class="smcap">Barnaby</span>—— (<i>Disappears murmuring -to himself, and returns with entrée, +to himself, and returns with entrée, which he lets fall on dress of</i> Principal Guest). Beg pardon, my Lady, but it was my stud, which <i>would</i> come undone. Very sorry, @@ -1931,383 +1893,6 @@ title="The Imperial Sheffield Nine-pin." /></a> <p>Spelling regularised without comment.</p> </div> - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, -Vol.107, September 1, 1894, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** - -***** This file should be named 43845-h.htm or 43845-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/3/8/4/43845/ - -Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Wayne Hammond, -Malcolm Farmer and the Online Distributed Proofreading -Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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