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diff --git a/42853-0.txt b/42853-0.txt index 4fa254e..0b64f29 100644 --- a/42853-0.txt +++ b/42853-0.txt @@ -1,38 +1,4 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 107, -December 22, 1894, by Various, Edited by F. C. (Francis Cowley) Burnand - - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - - - - -Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 107, December 22, 1894 - - -Author: Various - -Editor: F. C. (Francis Cowley) Burnand - -Release Date: June 1, 2013 [eBook #42853] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - - -***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, -VOL. 107, DECEMBER 22, 1894*** - - -E-text prepared by Sébastien Blondeel, Malcolm Farmer, and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) - - +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 42853 *** Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this file which includes the original illustrations. @@ -1383,363 +1349,4 @@ of Ung," in the December Number of "The Idler."_ And whenever ye hear Art crackpots a-wagging an insolent tongue, Why then--in the words of RUDYARD--_heed ye the_ "_Story of Ung!_" - - -***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. -107, DECEMBER 22, 1894*** - - -******* This file should be named 42853-0.txt or 42853-0.zip ******* - - -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: -http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/4/2/8/5/42853 - - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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(Francis Cowley) Burnand - - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - - - - -Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 107, December 22, 1894 - - -Author: Various - -Editor: F. C. (Francis Cowley) Burnand - -Release Date: June 1, 2013 [eBook #42853] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - - -***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, -VOL. 107, DECEMBER 22, 1894*** - - -E-text prepared by Sébastien Blondeel, Malcolm Farmer, and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) - - - -Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this - file which includes the original illustrations. - See 42853-h.htm or 42853-h.zip: - (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/42853/42853-h/42853-h.htm) - or - (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/42853/42853-h.zip) - - -Transcriber's note: - - Greek text has been transliterated and enclosed in equal - signs (e.g. =Panta rhei=). Individual Greek letters have been - replaced with their names (e.g. =alpha=). - - - - - -PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. - -VOL. 107. - -December 22, 1894 - - - - - -[Illustration: HONOURS DIVIDED. - -_Mr. Goodchild._ "YES, I DO FEEL IN GOOD SPIRITS THIS EVENING. MY BOY -HAS PASSED HIS EXAMINATION!" - -_The Earl._ "WELL, I DON'T SEE ANYTHING IN THAT. SO HAS MINE." - -_Mr. Goodchild._ "ER--INDIAN CIVIL?" - -_The Earl._ "NO--BANKRUPTCY!"] - - * * * * * - -THE SNUBBED PROFESSIONAL'S VADE MECUM. - -_Question._ You consider yourself neglected because, I presume, the -public do not appreciate you at your proper value? - -_Answer._ That is, indeed, the case, and for further particulars I refer -you to a recent correspondence in the _Pall Mall Gazette_. - -_Q._ Is it not necessary that you should acquire an immense amount of -knowledge to undertake the duties of your profession worthily? - -_A._ Certainly; and we welcome any kind of safeguard that will protect -the public against fraud and imposture. - -_Q._ Then you consider your profession very seriously? - -_A._ Undoubtedly. It is the most important profession in the world; not -a man, woman, or child exists who has not derived some benefit from its -exercise. - -_Q._ If I am not mistaken, you ought to be educated at Oxford or -Cambridge to do full justice to your opportunities? - -_A._ Certainly; upon the foundation of a school training at either Eton, -Westminster, Rugby, or Harrow. - -_Q._ Ought you not to take up human and comparative anatomy? - -_A._ As a matter of course, combined with physiology and chemistry. - -_Q._ But does every professor of your art follow this routine of work? - -_A._ Those who are of the greater worth. There are outsiders who assume -our noble name and yet know nothing of our special subject. - -_Q._ Besides the studies you have mentioned, are there any others -necessary to the formation of a man of your special attainments? - -_A._ Well, it would be well for an operator to understand metallurgy and -mechanics. - -_Q._ And have you to cultivate the graces of the person? - -_A._ Certainly; you must be of a pleasing and courteous presence. You -must be fitted by nature and art to obtain the confidence of those who -pay you a professional visit. You must be tender and true. You must be -able to converse on every subject under the sun, and distract the -attention of a sufferer from his pains by causing him to listen to your -anecdotes. - -_Q._ It seems, then, you must be an admirable Crichton? - -_A._ Well, yes, in a small way. - -_Q._ Then what are you called? May I put down an archbishop, or a Lord -Chief Justice, or a Prime Minister? - -_A._ No, neither. I do not aspire to be a person of so much importance. - -_Q._ Then what are you? - -_A._ Why, merely a dentist! - - * * * * * - -At the Fancy Ball. - -"Do look at that huge woman dancing with Uncle BOB. What is she? A -Quakeress?" - -"H'm! rather an Earth-quakeress, I should fancy!" - - * * * * * - -FIRST IMPRESSIONS. - -_En Route to the Mediterranean._--I am alone, until a Frenchman and his -young wife come in and glare at me, presumably because I am already -there. The ordinary honeymoon couple anywhere are supercilious enough, -and a French honeymoon couple perhaps more so. If you gaze absently at -the back of Madame's hat, when you are looking at the mountains beyond -Madame's head, Monsieur glares at you with the concentrated fury of an -angry menagerie. But a French couple, travelling in Italy, which loves -the Triple Alliance, develope an air of superciliousness quite -unapproached; and when their solitude is invaded by an Englishman, a -native of the country which occupies Egypt, thousand thunders, it is too -strong! - -So these two whisper together, and look out of one window, while I look -out of the other, at Viareggio, and the distant Carrara quarries and -other sights. All interesting and beautiful, no doubt, but not to be -compared to what I shall see beyond Spezia. Think of the blue sea, the -glorious hills, the olive woods, the Italian fishing villages, the -orange groves, the gardens and the flowers. Rather better than that -English coast which Londoners know so well, the seashore at Brighton, -probably the ugliest in the world, with the most unpicturesque town -stretching along it. Of course, I shall not see everything from the -train, but I shall at least have the recollection of an earthly -paradise, to torment me ever after when travelling in the infernal -regions of the Underground Railway. November in Genoa; November in Gower -Street! Halloo, this is Spezia! - -Now then, look out. Oh, here's a tunnel first. Wait patiently till we -are through the tunnel. By dim light of carriage-lamp perceive the -French people glaring at me. This _is_ a long tunnel. But then at the -end I shall see----Here is the end. Down with the window. There's the -Mediter----Halloo! Another tunnel. Up with the window. At last this one is -coming to an end. Down with the window again. Look out. There's the -Medi----Halloo, another one! Up with the window again. French people still -glare, but, it seems to me, more mildly. A fellow-feeling of -suffocation, no doubt. - -Well, this _is_ long. At last we're out. Down with the window once more. -There's the Med----What? Another one. Up with the window once more. This -_is_ a long one. Begin to cough. Frenchman also coughs. A bond of -sympathy. We cough together. Well, at last we are out of these awful -tunnels. Down with the window. There's the Medit----Up with the window. -Another one! These gymnastics with the windows are most fatiguing. Choke -again. Frenchman also chokes. "_Ces tunnels!_" he gasps at last, "_on -étouffe_----" Just then the train bursts into daylight, and his head, as -before, goes out of his window, like mine out of my window. There's the -Me----. Another! "_Sapristi!_" By Jove! More choking. "_Ces chemins de -fers italiens----_" begins the Frenchman. Then another burst of daylight -and his head and mine go out. There's the Medit----"_Matin!_" Great Scott! -Agree with Frenchman. "_C'est assommant_," says he, "_quel pays----_" Then -another gap and heads out as before. There's the Mediterra----"_Mille -tonnerres!_" I'm hanged! Frenchman and I abuse the line, the tunnels, -the bad light and the worse air. Another interval. - -There's the M---- "_Sacré nom de nom!_" Confound! Frenchman becomes quite -friendly. Even Madame says a word or two. Begin now to disregard half -seconds of daylight, and treat it as all tunnel over two hours' long. - -At last arrive at Genoa, our faces streaked with soot, our lungs full of -smoke, our collars nearly black, and all the superciliousness shaken out -of us. Frenchman almost affectionate when we part. As for the -Mediterranean, I should have seen nearly as much of it at Moorgate -Street. - -A FIRST IMPRESSIONIST. - - *** - -ON SOME CHRISTMAS DIARIES.--No backsliding in engagements if you possess -one of WALKER'S capital _backlooped_ pocket-diaries, they are strongly -bound to assist you. His Society Christmas Cards are, as they should be, -first class. In fact, "WALKER" is not "HOOKEY," but "O. K." - -[Illustration: AN EXTRACT FROM A PRIVATE LETTER. - -"----AND OH, MABEL, A _WRETCH_ MISTOOK MY SKIRT FOR THE 'BUS APRON, THE -OTHER DAY, AND DIDN'T FIND OUT HIS MISTAKE FOR EVER SO LONG. OF COURSE -HE WAS _AWFULLY_ NICE ABOUT IT; SO I HAD TO SAY, IT DIDN'T MATTER. BUT -WASN'T IT DREADFUL!"] - -[Illustration: THE INFANT PHENOMENON. - -LITTLE JAP LECTURING ON THE ART OF WAR TO THE EUROPEAN REPRESENTATIVES.] - - * * * * * - -THE INFANT PHENOMENON. - - When the song said Jap AH SID was just nothing but a kid - Of what ALCOCK dubbed "a race grotesque and savage," - The Wise West had not a notion of the kick-up and commotion, - The naval noise and military ravage, - That same "little kid" would raise; of the pæans of loud praise - The Wise Boy of the East would hear around him. - A pupil of the West he was held, but, upon test, - A teacher, in his way, the West has found him. - Phenomenal young Jappy, Occidental Powers seem happy - To gather round and watch the object lesson - In the wicked Art of War, seeing proof you've carried far - In matters which before we might but guess on. - If a kid, he's not a fool! With his ferula and stool, - His blackboard and his lump of chalk, he's showing - How to work an ironclad! It's amazing that a lad - With a lemon-face should be so wondrous knowing! - He'll teach you to work as _he_ does in the matter of torpedoes, - And how to blow a rival fleet to blazes. - In naval matters practical, strategical and tactical, - The nipper shows a _nous_ that almost dazes. - Though his names and terms sound funny, it is more than even money, - That he hides a lot of wisdom in his lingo. - And what matter baggy breeches, and a speech all "his" and "ichis," - If this "Boy" can give the Chinese Giant stingo? - His phiz looks flat and pasty, and his head-gear's hardly tasty, - And his eyes are like black-beetles set a-swivel. - But though plain or currant-bunny, and the colour of fresh honey, - He's as full as HADéSU of dash and "divil." - See, those eyes are all a-twinkle! Like the sudu-mushi's tinkle - Fall his accents very suave, but full of gumption; - And you'll hardly now find any to retort, "Oh, teach your granny!" - Or to twit the "little kid" with youth's presumption. - For the stalwart Teuton listens, and the Great Bear's optic glistens, - And the "Melican" "lays low and don't say nuffin'," - Save to whisper to JOHN BULL, "He's no mug, by a jug-_full_, - Who out of the Chinee has knocked the stuffin'! - Infant phenomenon? Wal, I rayther guess he's gone - And chalked it out a caution. He's a spry 'un!" - And JOHN BULL, who'll have to strain to keep monarch of the main, - Thinks the infant Jap a chap to keep _his_ eye on! - - * * * * * - -GENEROSITY UNDER DIFFICULTIES. - -(_The Question of the Day._) - -_Daisy._ I want to buy a Christmas present for JACK. Do you see anything -you think he would like? - -_Violet._ Here's a morocco case with seven razors, one for each day of -the week. - -_Daisy._ Lovely! But JACK'S got whiskers and a beard. - -_Violet._ So he has! Then why not this exquisite silver cigar-ash tray? - -_Daisy._ Yes, that would be _just_ the thing; only, unfortunately, JACK -never smokes, and always walks out of the room if anybody else does. - -_Violet._ Oh! That's awkward. This drinking-horn--what do you think of -_it?_ - -_Daisy_ (_gloomily_). I'm afraid JACK'S a Blue Ribbonite. - -_Violet_ (_after a pause_). He needn't use it for drinking from. It -would do for a flower-vase, if it had a stand. Anyhow, let's make haste -and choose _something_. - -_Daisy._ I would give him this lovely ink-bottle, only he uses a -type-writer. Ah, I have it--a purse! - -_Violet._ The question is whether JACK has it, not you. - -_Daisy_ (_enthusiastically_). Yes, a purse it shall be. JACK never has -any money--but _that_ is only a detail. Showy, isn't it? - -_Violet._ Awfully pretty! Made in Germany, too, it says; _that_ makes it -so much more romantic. - -_Daisy_ (_groaning_). Come away! JACK'S a _morbid_ patriot. Won't _look_ -at a thing not made in England. I must choose some other day. And we -shall be horribly late for lunch. Really, present-choosing isn't as easy -as one thinks! - -_Violet._ Not for JACK, at any rate! - -[_Exeunt hurriedly, and empty-handed._ - - *** - -"CHARGE OF THE LIGHT BRIGADE."--My Gas Company's bill. - - *** - -A "B. AND S." AT THE SAVOY. - -[Illustration: _Sir Arthur._ "Then _Box----_" - -_Sir Author._ "And _Cox----_" - -_Both._ "Are satisfied!" - -[_Curtain._] - -A great deal is expected from the collaboration of Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN -and Mr. F. C. BURNAND, more especially when the work is staged at the -Savoy, and is brought out under the direction of Mr. D'OYLY CARTE. The -brilliant audience that gathered on Wednesday night for the first -performance of _The Chieftain_ evidently came full of expectation, and -as evidently went away filled with satisfaction. Twenty-seven years ago, -when they were boys together, B. and S. (that sounds friendly and -refreshing) brought out an early version of the opera which they called -_The Contrabandista_. After the rehearsal of the new piece had gone -forward for some weeks, ARTHUR SULLIVAN stumbled over this rather -difficult word and sprained his ankle. Whereupon F. C. B., with -characteristic promptitude and originality, changed the name to _The -Chieftain_. That is the call-boy's narrative of events. However it be, -since the opera has been entirely re-written, enlarged and beautified, -it was natural to bestow upon it a new title. On the first night _The -Chieftain_ stormed the passes to public favour, and appears likely to -occupy them for some time. Nothing brighter in colour, fuller of life, -more musical, more mirthful, has been seen at the Savoy since its -palmiest days. Sir ARTHUR and Sir Author are perfectly mated, F. C. B. -brimming over with genuine humour, and A. S. pre-eminently displaying -his rare gift of expressing humour in musical notes. The cast is a very -strong one, which is fortunate, seeing the appetite of the audience is -insatiable, and only exceptional strength could meet the demand for -encores. Where all excel it is difficult to particularise merit. But -Miss FLORENCE ST. JOHN and Mr. COURTICE POUNDS in the French duet, Mr. -PASSMORE from first to last (especially in his Bolero dance, one of the -funniest things for a long time seen on the operatic stage), Miss EMMIE -OWEN in her graceful movements, and the sextet with its merry music and -its laughing dance, are things to see and hear. - -[Illustration: "Up in the morning early."] - - * * * * * - -ENGLISH AS SHE IS CRAMMED. - -The Oxford Board of Studies will conduct an examination in 1896 for the -new Final School of English Language and Literature. The following -preliminary paper is to be set:-- - -ENGLISH LANGUAGE AND LITERATURE. - -_Time allowed--18 months._ - -[Questions are to be answered either in Gothic or Icelandic, according -to the taste and fancy of the candidate. The dates of the _vivâ voce_ -"Chatter about SHELLEY," and "Scandal about Queen ELIZABETH," will be -announced shortly. Evening dress optional. Smoking and Bohemian Concert -to follow. See Handbills.] - -1. Write out the English Alphabet as inaccurately as possible; and -distinguish between great A and the track of a duck. - -2. Translate the following unheard-of passage from BEOWULF:-- - - Tuinchael .... lytl ... - Haui onedr hwatuar - Uppabuvye wereld sohi - Lika ... ynneye ... - -Supply the _lacunæ_ in the text. Candidates may send in as many -solutions as they please, provided each is accompanied with a shilling -Postal Order. The total amount subscribed will be pooled among the -winners, less ten per cent. for our commission. - -3. Discuss the following:-- - -(=alpha=) When is a door not a negress? - -(=beta=) What is the difference between hearing recitation and being bored? - -(=gamma=) Why is HALL CAINE like a tenpenny nail? - -_Any_ replies to the above will be most thankfully received, and paid -for at our usual rates. - -4. - - "There was a very foolish, fond old man, - Fourscore and upward, dwelling at Liskeard, - Who said, I am not in my perfect mind; - It is just as I feared, in very sooth, - For, to deal plainly, four larks and a hen, - Two hooting owls, and one small wren to boot, - Did each one lodge last night within my beard." - -_King Lear_, Act IV., Sc. 6. - -Hence show, by internal evidence, that EDWARD LEAR wrote BAKESPEARE. - -5. State the various questions to the following answer:--"Because -there's a 'b' in both." - -6. Give the meaning, if any, to the subjoined flowers of speech:--_cheese -your patter_, _perform the negative_, _a runcible cat_, _cow-chilo_, _do -a drag_, _a pale paradox_, _going tommy-dodd_, _dead-lurk a crib_, _the -hush of the corn_, _ferjunt rarm_, _the mome-raths outgrabe_, and -_filling up the cup_. - -7. Trace the origin of the following legends:--(_a_) The old lady who -travelled twice round the Inner Circle Railway against her wish; (_b_) -The conversation between TOOLE and St. Peter about HENRY IRVING; (_c_) -The leading journalist whose nose cost him £8,000 to colour; and mention -any other chestnuts you may know of. - -8. Compose a leader in the _Times_ style on Ballet-girls and their -Little Ways; in _D. T._ phraseology on Quaternions; _à la Pink 'Un_ on -the Delights of Sunday School; and in the best _Guardian_ manner in -Defence of Prize-fighting. - -9. Write down all you don't know about any mortal subject you are most -ignorant of, provided it has nothing to do with the English language and -literature. - - *** - -"In spite of all temptation," MARCUS WARD & CO. remain true Englishmen, -and have had their dainty Christmas cards, and other delightful -novelties, "not printed in Germany." The support of the loyal British -shopper should be their _re-Ward_. But C. W. FAULKNER & CO. evidently -think that a foreign name is more attractive, and have christened their -new table-game "Malletino." It hardly requires a deep knowledge of -Italian to discover that it is played with mallets, and is amusing. -Their cards and calendars are quite "up to date"--at least the latter -will be next year. - - *** - -EXCEPTION.--Pleasant Christmas Bills: Bills of Fare. - - * * * * * - -THE NEW HEROINE. - -(_A Scene from the Drama of To-morrow._) - -_Edwin._ And do you really love me? - -_Angelina._ With all my heart and soul; and yet---- - -_Edwin._ Yet what? ANGELINA, why do you look so strangely at me? There -is something on your mind, something you have not the courage to tell -me. - -[Illustration] - -_Angelina._ EDWIN, I can hide nothing from you. Even though it should -wreck both our lives, you have the right to know the truth. - -_Edwin._ My own darling, what is in your heart? - -_Angelina._ Can you bear to hear it? Don't look at me, or I shall not -have the courage to say what must be said. EDWIN, I have never lived a -disreputable life. - -_Edwin_ (_burying his face in his hands_). Great Heaven! and I believed -in you so utterly. (_Then rising, with a desperate effort to control his -emotion._) Good-bye. - -_Angelina_ (_falling on her knees, and clinging to him_). Ah, no, you -shall not go. Think of it, EDWIN, of the temptations to virtue that -surrounded me, of the examples of simple girlhood that poisoned my -youth. If I have lived a life of spotless innocence, remember, at least, -that I knew no better. What else could I do? Brought up from earliest -infancy by a mother of unblemished reputation? - -_Edwin_ (_with a gesture of horror_). Your mother, too? ANGELINA, our -marriage is impossible. - -_Angelina._ How hard you men are. Is your sex alone to have the monopoly -of innocence? Must there always be one law for women and another for -dramatic authors? Oh, it is cruel! cruel! But you will not leave me. -Remember, I am still young: it is never too late to err. And is it -because I am a woman that I am to be denied the chance of retrieving the -innocence of a mis-spent youth by the indiscretions of a riper -womanhood? Besides, are there not cases, cases known to us both where a -wife has lived down the terrible reproach of a blameless girlhood? Why, -even Mr. JONES'S latest heroine, and there is nothing later than that, -could not absolutely prove she had gone wrong, and yet her husband took -her back! But you are so proud, so relentless. You have no pity in your -heart. - -_Edwin._ Believe me, it is not pride. For myself, I would gladly brave -the censure of the world, and if in after years men should say in scorn -he married her though there was nothing against her, I should still be -happy, knowing I had your love. But my father, that dear old man in his -quiet, country vicarage. Think of it? It is too horrible! - -_Angelina_ (_with bowed head._) You are right, I had forgotten your -father. - -_Edwin._ How could I ever look into that sweet, wrinkled face, and meet -those reverend eyes, knowing that I was asking him to receive as a -daughter one who had never even once strayed from the paths of virtue? - -_Angelina._ I see it all now, good-bye. - -_Edwin._ Good-bye. - -_Angelina_ (_as he is going_). EDWIN, come back. - -_Edwin._ Ah! don't torture me, I can bear no more! - -_Angelina._ But what if I were to tell you that this confession, so -humiliating to us both, was but a ruse to test the strength of your -devotion. - -_Edwin._ Ah, don't raise a false hope within me, only to plunge me again -in the abyss of despair. - -_Angelina._ But this is no false hope. - -_Edwin_ (_eagerly_). What do you mean? - -_Angelina_ (_burying her head on his shoulder_). I mean that I been no -better than I should be. - -_Edwin_ (_embracing her_). My own true love, nothing can part us now. - -_Curtain._ - - * * * * * - -Crackers. - -The youthful but indiscriminating would-be smoker will find unending -bliss in the joys of _Our Smoking-Room Concert_, his pleasure though -commencing with a bang won't end in smoke. Feminine hearts who long for -the sunny south will revel in the _Riviera Cosaque_. Both these are -warranted to "go off," through the inventive genius of our "crack" G. -SPARAGNAPANE. - - * * * * * - -THE TRUISMS OF LIFE. - -(_By the Right Hon. the Author of "The Platitudes of Life," M.P., -F.R.S., D.C.L., LL.D._) - -CHAPTER II.--_De Quibusdam Aliis._ - -"Cleanliness is next to Godliness"; so runs the witty aphorism; and -modern bacteriologists "explain clearly the reason, _and_ show why it is -so,"[1] the italics not being in the original. The use of water is an -effectual element in cleanliness. Men have been known to brush their -teeth with it. Of soaps there are many; but water is practically one. -"=Panta rhei,=" said THALES. And, again, "There is a tide in the affairs of -men,"[2] as Lord BYRON put it, in confirmation of SHAKSPEARE'S previous -statement. - -[1] Lubbock. - -[2] Don Juan. - -Fresh air contributes largely to the health. "_In aëre salus_," said the -Romans; though some, for want of knowledge, have rendered this, "There -is safety in flight"; and others, for want of the diæresis, have -supposed it to mean, "Tip a policeman, and he will carry you over the -crossing." - -Yes, indeed, how wonderful is the air! Not only confined, as in aërated -bread or waters, but in the open. By it we breathe and smell and sail on -ships. Also the fields are full of buttercups. And then the weather! How -much of true happiness depends on conversation, and how much of this on -the weather! Yet "there is really no such thing as bad weather, only -different kinds of good weather."[3] This true thought has often helped -me in a London fog. - -[3] Ruskin. - -Again, the open air suggests games and railways. "Games are -admirable."[4] Did not Lord NELSON rightly say that the battle of -Trafalgar was "won in the playing-fields of Eton?" He referred of course -to the floods. Railways take us about through the air. RUSKIN speaks of -the advantage of increasing the "range of what we see," forgetting for -the moment his views about locomotives. - -[4] Sir James Paget. - -Among other forms of recreation men reckon Art and meals and their -wives' relations. I say nothing of the Drama, though the other day I -came across the statement that "All the world's a stage."[5] - -[5] Shakspeare. - -Another recreation is letter-writing. Lord CHESTERFIELD wrote letters. -But be careful. If you have written a cruel letter, put a stamp on it, -lest it come back upon your own head. - -I have spoken of a man's wife's relations. This implies marriage. "The -wise choice of female friends is ... important."[6] "Grapple them to thy -soul with hoops of steel,"[7] as a writer lately put it, thinking, -perhaps, of the Elizabethan skirt. There are risks in marriage. It is -"for better for worse."[8] This distinction is well brought out in the -two following passages--"And oh! if there be an Elysium on earth, it is -this, it is this!"[9] and "Wedlock's a saucy, sad, familiar state."[10] - -[6] Lubbock. - -[7] Lubbock adapting Shakspeare. - -[8] Marriage service. - -[9] Tom Moore. - -[10] Peter Pindar. - -One might throw out some thoughts on the question of selection, but, as -a friend aptly and originally expressed himself to me--"Silence is -golden"; and I remember to have read that "talking should be an exercise -of the brain and not of the tongue."[11] Substitute "writing" for -"talking," and "pen" for "tongue," and I really wonder why I have -written all this. Can it be that I regard the reading public as "mostly -fools"?[12] - -[11] Lubbock. - -[12] Carlyle. - - * * * * * - -THE MAKING OF A MAN. - -["Lord ROSEBERY is not a man at all: he is a political Joint-Stock -Company, _Limited_."--_Letter from Mr. Chamberlain in the "Times."_] - - Oh, CHAMBERLAIN, with joy I note the labour of the file - In this delightful sample of your literary style. - I seem to see you trying it in half a hundred ways, - Before your taste could settle on the perfect final phrase. - With just a little polish here, a slight erasure there, - You got it into shape at last, and made your copy fair. - Lo, how its graceful suavity all meaner folk rebukes, - In every little word I trace the influence of dukes; - The gallant style, the courtly thrust with controversial sword - Of one--what need to tell his name?--who dearly loves a lord; - Who learnt amid our feudal halls the ancient courtesy - That scorns to stoop to Billingsgate, or ape the bold bargee. - Serene and proud he follows still the good old maxim's plan, - And by his manners proves himself to all the world a Man. - - * * * * * - -Solution of Prize Conundrum given in our Last Week's Issue. - -"How to make life happy by adding fifty-nine to the latter half of it." - -The latter half of "_Life_" is "_fe_," isn't it? - -Fifty-nine is "LIX," isn't it? Add this to FE, and the result is -happy--"FELIX." - -[* The Conundrumist left the explanation and the country at the same -time.--ED.] - -[Illustration: THE FORCE OF HABIT. - -_The Vicar's Daughter._ "OH, PAPA DEAR, _DID_ YOU HEAR OLD MR. ROGERS -SNORING IN HIS PEW THIS AFTERNOON?" - -_The Vicar._ "NO, MY LOVE. DURING THE _SERMON_, I SUPPOSE?" - -_The Vicar's Daughter._ "NO! THAT'S THE FUNNY PART OF IT!"] - - *** - -"LYING LOW." - -["The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER has preserved, with admirable -composure, an oracular silence during the controversies of the past -few weeks. It is sad to think that the despairing appeals of the -Ministerial Press to Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT to 'remember his swashing -blow' may remain unanswered until the opening of the debate on the -Address some two months hence."--_The Times._] - - "Little Boy Blue, come blow up your horn! - The sheep's in the meadow, the cow's in the corn. - Where is the boy who looks after the sheep? - He's under the haycock, fast asleep(?)" - _Old Nursery Rhyme._ - -_Much worrited Old Liberal Party loquitur:_-- - - O little Boy Blue!--('tis a sweet name for _you_, - Though Pickwickian, perhaps, in suggestiveness!)-- - What are you a-doing? There's mischief a-brewing, - Our flocks appear troubled with restiveness; - Our cattle are straying. You ought to be playing - That horn with your old force and unction. - Of what are you thinking? In long forty-winking - Boy Blue seems forgetting his function! - - You're not worth a button! That Forfarshire mutton - The Unionist meadow is munching in; - Our bonny Brigg cow, boy, now can't you see how, boy, - The Tory corn-field she is crunching in? - You are losing your sheep, like poor little Bo-Peep, - And still that old horn lies unblown, boy. - You're letting them roam, and _they_ will not "come home" - If you do nought but "let them alone," boy! - - Still drowsing! Oh, drat it! Young PRIMROSE is at it - Without half your power of bellows. - And cynics are hinting that, while he is sprinting, - You're lazy--because you feel jealous. - Of course, that's all footle. Still, your rootle-tootle - Is wanted our courage to toughen. - 'Twas never your habit, like artful Brer Rabbit, - Of old to "lie low and say nuffin'!" - - Your horn, like great ROLAND'S, through high lands and low lands, - From Lincoln to Scotland, should blare up. - We need its loud rallies, or _our_ Roncesvallês - Will come,--when there _will_ be a flare-up! - 'Tis surely not rifted? When ROLAND uplifted - His Olifant, everyone heard it - For thirty miles round. So your sheep-horn should sound, - And too long, my Boy Blue, you've deferred it. - - Their noses foes may cock, whilst under that haycock - At Malwood at ease you're reclining. - Poor PRIMROSE, our shepherd, is getting will peppered, - The flock for your rally are pining. - You are only Boy Blue, not the shepherd? That's true; - Still, horn-blowing boys have their duty. - Wake up, and wake _now_, Sir, and give us a rouser. - Your best blast, we know, is a beauty! - - Our fold's getting thinnish, our flocks fast diminish, - Our milch-cows are sickening or straying. - Up! back up the _pastor_, or there'll be disaster. - The enemy's sheep-horns are braying; - _They_'re "calling the cattle home." Rouse, with a rattle-home! - Asleep? Well, perhaps you're "purtending"! - But though one may easily play up _too_ weaselly, - Sheep _do_ demand watchful tending. - - * * * * * - -TO A LADY. - -(_Born so late in the Year, that she nearly missed having a Birthday -altogether._) - - Accept, dear girl, the season's compliments - For Christmas and the twenty-ninth December, - Your birthday--most auspicious of events-- - Is also Mr. GLADSTONE'S, you remember. - - Yours _was_ a close shave, but I'm bound to say - That February the twenty-ninth far worse is, - And worst of all, to come on All Fools' Day, - Like BISMARCK--or the writer of these verses! - - *** - -THE REAL SCHOOL-BOARD.--Its Pupils. - -[Illustration: "LYING LOW." - -"LITTLE BOY BLUE, COME BLOW UP YOUR HORN THE SHEEP'S IN THE MEADOW, THE -COW'S IN THE CORN. WHERE IS THE BOY WHO LOOKS AFTER THE SHEEP? HE'S -UNDER THE HAYCOCK, _FAST ASLEEP (?)_"] - -[Illustration: THE GENIAL SEASON. - -_Hungry-looking Acquaintance_ (_with eye to invitation_). "SO GLAD TO -SEE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!" - -_Fat Chap_ (_evidently doing well_). "WRONG AGAIN, OLD MAN. I'M ENJOYING -MY DINNER!"] - - *** - -"THREE CHEERS FOR THE EMPEROR." - -(_Recommended for translation and use in the German Reichstag._) - - For he's a jolly good fellow, - And so say all of us. - But "hochs" at _all_ seasons to bellow - Is sycophant folly and fuss. - With a hip, hip, hip hooray, - For that capital fellow, our Kaiser! - If he'll let our cheers come in spontaneous way - As loyal _we_'ll be, and _he_ wiser. - - *** - -"COPY." - - Some call the world a vale of tears, - And some a haunt of bliss-- - "Copy" the world to me appears, - And all that therein is. - - I loved, I hated, and desired, - Despaired, like other men-- - And "copy" thus I have acquired, - Which still informs my pen. - - Now, all the scenes whereon I look, - All human joy and woe, - Spontaneously as a book - Into fresh "copy" flow. - - There is no pang too terrible, - No rapture too sublime, - To furnish forth an article - Or to suggest a rhyme. - - I'd like a little while to break - My fetters lucrative, - To love again for Love's own sake, - For Life's own sake, to live. - - To look upon the stars again - With no ulterior view. - Oh, aspiration wild and vain! - But--it is "copy," too! - - *** - -"ONE MAN ONE JOB." - -_A Christmassy Story for the Members of the L. C. C._ - -Mr. BLANK THREESTARS was an eminent member of the London County Council, -and had distinguished himself as a supporter of the cry, "One Man One -Job." In his opinion a workman should stick to his work, and try no -other. If he were a bricklayer, he should lay bricks; if he were a -painter, he should daub doors with colour. - -"We don't want one man interfering with another man's business," said -Mr. BLANK THREESTARS. "Let the shoemaker stick to his last." - -And this declaration of policy made him extremely popular in his own -set. He was considered a sound reformer. "Sound" in more senses than -one, as he happened to be particularly partial to the tones of his own -voice. - -One day about Christmas time, when the holly and mistletoe were much in -evidence, Mr. BLANK THREESTARS happened to be reading the reports of his -own speeches at Spring Gardens, and unconsciously closed his eyes. When -he reopened them, he found a gentleman in a black costume, who invited -him to give his opinion on things in general and the London County -Council in particular. Rather pleased to be asked to air his eloquence, -Mr. BLANK THREESTARS readily complied with the obliging request. He -talked long and well, and the gentleman in black seemed never weary of -listening to him. When he paused for a moment his attentive visitor put -a question to him which "set him off" again. And this was repeated quite -a score of times. At length, however, the orator became exhausted. - -"Why do you cease speaking?" asked the gentleman in black rather -impatiently. - -"Because I am very tired," was the reply; "and now, with your -permission, I will go for a turn on my bicycle." - -"Not at all. Your job is to speak, and I cannot let you do anything -else. So please continue your interesting remarks. What do you think of -the report upon the City of London?" - -Poor BLANK THREESTARS attempted to give his views on the subject, but -broke down. He was extremely exhausted; but the gentleman in black kept -him going. He insisted upon being answered this, and answered that, -until the eminent Member of the London County Council became almost -senseless with fatigue. He closed his eyes once more, and when he -reopened them, found that his own servant was standing by his side. - -"Going to Spring Gardens, Sir?" asked the faithful adherent. "If you are -it is time to be off." - -"No," returned Mr. BLANK THREESTARS; "never again. I shall resign. I -have had enough talking to last me a lifetime." - -From that moment BLANK THREESTARS became a changed character. He goes in -for all sorts of hard work--wood-cutting, cricket, football, and -golfing--but he never approaches the L. C. C. In fact, he has only -mentioned Spring Gardens once since his conversion, and then only to -link with its name an expression usually represented by the fourth -capital letter of the alphabet. And with this declaration his story must -come to an end, as he declines to utter another syllable in explanation. - - * * * * * - -QUEER QUERIES. - -FUTURE OF AFRICA.--Having read in the papers that Mr. JOHNSTON, our -Commissioner in Central Africa, advocates the colonising of that country -by "the yellow races," I write to ask if it would be of any use for me -to apply? As I have now suffered from chronic jaundice for sixteen -years, complicated with intermittent attacks of bilious fever, and, as -my skin is usually of a bright orange, I think that I should fulfil Mr. -JOHNSTON'S requirements down to the ground. Some of my friends urge me -not to go because they are sure the swampiness of the country would -carry me off; but Africa can hardly be much swampier than Lower -Tottenham has been during the past autumn, and, personally, anything -that would really "carry me off" from the latter place I should welcome -as a blessed change. Perhaps some reader, with more knowledge of Africa -than I possess, could inform me whether there would be much danger of my -yellow complexion, in case of my having a fit of the blues out there, -being converted into _green?_ Would Mr. JOHNSTON in that case regard me -as a sort of colourable fraud, and ship me back home? - -WOULD-BE PIONEER. - - * * * * * - -THE PERILS OF A JESTING PREMIER. - - When Premiers try to joke - (As they will like other folk) - They should really have a care - That their meaning be quite plain - E'en to Brummagem's slow brain, - Or it really isn't fair. - - For you see a Goodman Dull - The jest's flower may not cull, - And he'll send a queer epistle - To the _Times_ which shows him crunching - Gentle irony, and munching - Like a donkey at a thistle. - - The ironical's a trap - For your solid sort of chap, - _Au grand serieux_ he'll take it, - Your elusive little joke, - And, like terrier or moke, - Dig his teeth in it and shake it. - - Men will then look on and mock, - And the spectacle's a shock - To our Commonwealth's stability, - For it shows how little wit - Goes to governing us and it. - E'en in "statesmen of ability." - - It's so dangerous to be funny! - Men may make hardware, and money, - Aye, and even a career, - Who yet cannot make--or take-- - A good joke. They're wide awake, - Save to wit, though in a peer. - - Therefore, PRIMROSE, do not jest! - It comes badly, at the best, - From a man at the State's tiller. - The ironical reject - Above all, and recollect - Every JOE is not a MILLER! - - *** - -SEASONABLE REFLECTION.--To look at _Holly Leaves_--at its glowing red -appearance--is "quite a little holly-day!" The inside quite up to the -out. - -[Illustration: CARTE BLANCHE! - -"YOU WON'T MIND MY PUTTING YOU INTO MY NEW NOVEL, O'FLAHERTY?" - -"ME DEAR FELLOW, YE'RE WELCOME TO PUT ANYTHING ABOUT ME YE -LOIKE--_PROVOIDIN' IT ISN'T THRUE!_"] - - * * * * * - -CURIOS FOR THE CRICKETERS' EXHIBITION. - -Mr. BLOCKER's Bat, which he carried through a whole season without -scoring once off it. - -A Ball which was "muffed" eleven times in one innings. - -"Pair of Spectacles" (unclaimed) found on a cricket-ground. - -Fine Sitting of "Duck's-eggs" (exhibitor's name not mentioned), and -sample of "Butter" used in preparing owner's fingers for "a great -catch." - -"The Catch of the Season." Taken by Instantaneous Photography. -(Twenty-seven of these snap-shots--all different.) - -Model (on enlarged scale) of the "Mountain-molehill" between wickets, -after an hour's patting down by a fidgety batsman. (Photograph of this, -life-size, may be had on a slide for microscopic study). - -Instantaneous Photograph picked up at the Oval. (It is not known whether -this represents an epileptic octopus, or the crack fast-bowler, -SPINDLEWHIZ, "delivering" a ball.) - -Fragments and Splinters. (Supposed to be the gathered remains of wicket, -after being "scattered" by one of BUSTER'S lightning-expresses.) - -Diagrams. (Supposed at one time to be "kodak" of a lightning-flash, but -discovered to represent the course of a "misfielded" ball between -leaving bowler's hand and returning thereto.) - -"The Ball which Bowled BOKO." (Descriptions of--Thirteen in number, -unique, varied, interesting, but unintelligible, selected from the -unfortunate, and resentful, victim on thirteen several occasions when he -was "just explaining how he was unlucky enough to be given out first -ball in the Big Match.") - -Portrait of Umpire. (After reading the above thirteen authentic and -unimpeachable, but irreconcilable, explanations.) - - * * * * * - -BALLADE TO ORDER. - -[Illustration] - - If you're ever in want of a subject for verse-- - (Which I venture to say you may very well be)-- - When you're strongly disposed to indulge in a curse, - Like a golfer enraged at an afternoon tee, - Then take my advice. When you're badly at sea, - Just ask some fair lady to help you to settle - Your subject. Here's one which was given to me-- - _How long would a bat keep alive in a kettle?_ - - How long would it be, ere it felt getting worse, - And seriously thought it must give up the G - (Where G is the ghost), and how soon would a hearse - Be required for the poor little corpse. Or with glee - Would the sprightly small animal gaily make free, - And kick up its heels in the finest of fettle, - Considering it all as a wonderful spree-- - _How long would a bat keep alive in a kettle?_ - - Now it wouldn't be truthful to say that my purse - Has a superabundance of £, _s._, or _d._, - Yet I don't mind confessing I'd gladly disburse - All I _have_ got to know who it was--he or she-- - Who fooled the poor bat to so great a degree. - But it's really high time to take hold of the nettle - And end this ballade (you must spell with an _e_)-- - _How long would a bat keep alive in a kettle?_ - -_L'Envoi._ - - Fair Lady, I own that I felt up a tree, - At the thought of the subject. But, put on one's mettle, - It _can_ be done somehow--your thanks are my fee-- - _How long would a bat keep alive in a kettle?_ - - * * * * * - -FIZZ AND FUSS. - -Once more America "takes the cake" for grotesque absurdity. Mr. JAMES -PAYN tells us the teetotal folks there are shocked at the idea of -christening ships with champagne! Well, perhaps it _is_ a waste of good -liquor. "The rosy" in any form must surely be as completely "thrown -away" on the hull of an ironclad as titillation on a turtle's back or -(as SIDNEY SMITH put it) the dome of St. Paul's. The total abstainer, it -seems, "on the occasion of baptising a new liner," sent the President -(who was to perform the ceremony) "a bottle of water as a substitute." -The Irishman supplied with whiskey to clean windows with drank the -liquor and _breathed on the glass!_ Perhaps the President may see his -way to taking a leaf out of PADDY'S book. Let him drink the fizz (if it -is good enough) and "blow the water-drinkers!" Foolish fanatics! They -surely forget that for every bottle of "the boy" bestowed on an -insensible, unappreciative ship, there is one less left to "gladden the -heart of man." - - * * * * * - -THE CHRONICLES OF A RURAL PARISH. - -VII.--THE REAL THING. - -The poll is over, and the Parish Council for Mudford is at last a _fait -accompli_--or almost so. Yet, before I come to relate the story of the -polling, there are one or two matters which, as a conscientious -historian, I think I should not be justified in omitting. - -As I ought to have mentioned before, I did not think it necessary or -expedient in my candidature to hold any public meetings. Speaking -broadly, I declared to win with Miss PHILL BURTT on _Canvassing_. It was -far otherwise with some of my fellow-candidates. BLACK BOB and his mates -(HARRY JORKINS and WILLIAM BROWN) got down from town a young glib-spoken -fellow, who made a magnificent speech, with a Gladstone peroration, that -was supposed to be worth any number of votes. BLACK BOB (I am told), in -proposing a vote of thanks to him, somewhat cruelly called him "a cool, -honest and straightforward lecturer." One of these briefless barristers, -no doubt. Mrs. LETHAM HAVITT and Mrs. ARBLE MARCH held a joint meeting -(not to be confounded with a meat tea) in support of women candidates, -addressed by six enthusiastic ladies who pointed out the various fields -of energy provided for woman by this new Engine of Reform. The vicar, -the squire, and I, alone out of the eight, contented ourselves with no -perfervid platform appeals. - -I should also state that, as the poll grew nearer, my wife became -increasingly confident that I should be beaten--"and that, TIMOTHY," she -added, "you won't like." I pointed out (and I still think it was a -natural thing to do in the circumstances) that the most formidable -obstacle in the way of my succeeding was the apparent lack of interest -taken in the affair by my family. This made MARIA perfectly furious. I -needn't imagine I should bounce her into it that way; truth to tell, I -never for one moment did think so. She would go away and stay at our -town house with the girls till the whole affair was over--which she did. -So, uncheered by wifely counsel or daughterly devotion, I sallied forth -on the morning of the 17th to my Committee Rooms, thence to carry on the -last stage of this great contest. I plume myself upon the excellence of -my arrangements. Everywhere you were bidden (that is you would have been -if you had been at Mudford) to "Vote for WINKINS, the Local Candidate." -I am free to admit that there was nothing distinctive in this -description of myself. We were all local candidates, since we all lived -in the village itself. But this appeal to "local" feeling is always an -excellent card to play. I know in my own case that I secured five votes -at least from men who at the last General Election had voted for our -sitting Member because he was the "local candidate." Then I got some -boys to carry round a Big Loaf and a Little Loaf, adorned with suitable -placards, inciting persons, men and women, married and single, to vote -for me. I did this because I never knew of an election yet in which the -loaves did not play a prominent part. I was determined to leave no -electoral device--legitimate electoral device, of course, I mean--untried. - -Except for the masterly precision and perfection of my arrangements, the -polling presented few incidents. There were the usual number of people -who did not find their names on the register, and who were consequently -turned away sorrowing. (By the way, is "and who" right? I am never -sure.) Equally, of course, there were some idiots who would put off -voting till it was too late, and found themselves shut out by one -minute. - -At nine the poll closed: and the counting immediately commenced. I did -not feel equal to the strain of being present, and was represented by -Miss PHILL BURTT. I waited at the house in grim suspense. Suddenly I -heard wild cheering. Then a minute later Miss PHILL dashed up waving a -paper excitedly and shouting, "Hurrah! Top of the poll." And so it -proved to be. I, who had been last, was actually now first. Here are the -figures:-- - - TIMOTHY WINKINS, J.P. 219 - G. TRAVIS-MERTON (the Squire) 203 - ROBERT HEDGER (BLACK BOB) 203 - HARRY JORKINS 195 - WILLIAM BROWN 189 - HENRY SANDFORD (the Vicar) 172 - Mrs. LETHAM HAVITT 153 } Tie - Mrs. ARBLE MARCH 153 } - -I had hardly grasped the significance of these figures when the crowd -surged up over the lawn. In a few brief, heartfelt words I thanked them. -The greatest moment of my life--should never forget this kind -appreciation on the part of those amongst whom I had lived, and amidst -whom I hoped to die--wished them all a merry Christmas and good night. -And so--they went--home. - -The most curious point remains to be noticed. Mrs. LETHAM HAVITT and -Mrs. ARBLE MARCH tied for the last place. The Returning Officer declined -to give a casting vote. Oar Parish Council is to consist of seven -Members. The first six are easy enough to find out. The latest Mudford -puzzle is--Find the seventh. - -I had nearly forgotten to add that my wife (who comes home to-morrow) -has written to say she hopes I'm satisfied now. Well, I am. - -[Illustration: CAUTIOUS. - -_Visitor_ (_at out-of-the-way Inn in the North_). "DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING -ABOUT SALMON-POACHING IN THIS NEIGHBOURHOOD?" - -_Landlady_ (_whose son is not above suspicion_). "EH--NO, SIR. MAYBE -IT'S A NEW STYLE OF COOKING AS WE HAVEN'T HEARD OF IN THESE PARTS, AS -YOU SEE, SIR, WE ONLY DO OUR EGGS THAT WAY; AND"--(_brightening -up_)--"IF YOU LIKE 'EM, I CAN GET YOU A DISH AT ONCE!"] - - * * * * * - -A YULE GRETYNGE. - -[Illustration] - - For yow and for noon other, ladye dere, - At this ful jolyf sesoun of the yeer - Now wol I truste, ne thynkynge naught of cost, - This litel yefte to yon rede pilere post; - Ryghte wel ystampen sikerly, I trowe, - Anon myn yefte schal come to noon but yow. - Ne golde han I to yeve, ne pretious gere, - But floures that ben ful rare (this tyme of yeer). - Ne yelwe astere, late ycome to toun, - Ne yet (God wot) a grene carnacioun, - But tak al fressche from Convent Gardyn plot - Myn flour, and eek prayere, "Foryete-me-not." - With feste and merie chere and moche solas - Sone wol this jolyf sesoun yeve us grace; - So mote ye spende, whanne that bels swete chyme - At yule, in sothe a veray parfait tyme. - "At Cristemasse merie may ye dance," - And in the Newe Yeer han gret plesance: - So fare now wel, myn hertes queene; I praie - R.S.V.P.--Ther nys no more to saye! - - * * * * * - -OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. - -A Baronite warns me thusly: In opening _The New Standard Elocutionist_, -selected by ALFRED H. MILES (HUTCHINSON & CO.), you may think there is a -mistake somewhere, as on the first page you are confronted with an -anatomical sketch of a cheerful-looking gentleman with his chest laid -open for inspection. Don't be afraid, it's all right, the gentleman's -countenance is reassuring, still, it makes me wonder if all reciters -come to that. But after reading a little of LENNOX BROWN'S chapter, we -find it is an object lesson teaching the usually inflated reciter how to -work his diaphragm as it should be worked. Perhaps its advantages may be -felt when the elocutionist wishes to rouse an admiring but slumbering -audience with a little thundering out of "Rise! sleep no more." If the -average recitation has a soporific effect, PHIL MAY'S drawings in _Fun, -Frolic and Fancy_, by BYRON WEBBER will soon wake you up. The annual of -three F's quite fulfils the "promise of May." - -Though _Kitty Alone_, by S. BARING GOULD, runs through _Good Words_ this -year, edited by DONALD MACLEOD, D.D., she does it surrounded by -excellent company. Just imagine how a child's preconceived notions of -euphonious spelling will be upset by teaching _Artful Anticks_ spelt -with a _k_, by OLIVE HERFORD (GAY AND BIRD). Such a frivolous liberty to -take with any word in these days of solid moral educational principles. - -There always exists a certain sneaking friendly feeling for ghosts, -especially at Christmas time, but it's nothing to the Paddies who -experience a hurtful resentment if you won't listen to their familiar -banshee yarns, and _Banshee Castle_, by ROSA MULHOLLAND is full of their -sighing and wailing; they like to make themselves heard. - -_À propos_ of Christmas numbers, my Baronitess writes: _The Queen_ and -_The Gentlewoman_ present themselves beautifully "got up." They are both -decidedly smart, and, like their titles, their stories are by a very -select company. By-the-bye, in _The Gentlewoman_ the little bird says -that her New Year will open with an exciting serial, _Sons of Fire_, -from the indefatigable pen of Miss BRADDON. There is a hearty, warm -sound in it, agreeable at this time of the year. - -According to the researching remarks of JOSEPH JACOBS, who has arranged -a new and selected edition of _Æsop's Fables_ (MACMILLAN & CO.), one -gathers that the "modest violet" is not in it with the retiring manner -in which every other writer of fable have hidden their worth under the -sheltering leaves of the ever green laurels of Old ÆSOP. Their number -might be termed fabulous. But SHERLOCK HOLMES has not lived in vain. -With unerring instinct the true mythical authors have been tracked, and -their deeds brought to light. The immortal genius may at last enjoy his -own wealth, which he finds fits better now that it has not to be -stretched. Quaint little pictures, done by RICHARD HEIGHWAY, adorn the -pages. - -"A pretty volume of fairy tales," writes one of the Assistant Readers, -"comes from Messrs. SEELEY & CO. It is called _Lily and the Lift_, and -is not only written, but also illustrated, by Mrs. HERBERT RAILTON. -_Lily_ herself, the little heroine, who is wafted in the magic -hotel-lift through the regions of Fairyland, is a darling. Beautiful -butterflies, wonderful birds, quaint dwarfs, and lovely fairies abound -in the marvellous country visited by _Lily_. Mrs. RAILTON writes with -delightful fancy and quiet humour, and her illustrations add a great -charm to a book which is bound to please the little ones for whom it is -intended." - -[Illustration] - -_In Furthest Ind_ (BLACKWOOD) purports to be the narrative of Mr. EDWARD -CARLYON, of the Honourable East India Company's service, comprising his -escape from the hands of the Inquisition at Goa, his journey to the -Court of the Great Mogul, and much else. It all took place some two -hundred years ago, and was "wrote by his own hand in the Year of Grace -1697." As for Mr. SYDNEY C. GRIER, he simply "edits the narrative with a -few explanatory notes," which is very modest of him. The narrative is a -moving one, full of local colour, plastered on pictures of the outskirts -of India in John Company's day. Mr. EDWARD CARLYON is a properly -pragmatical person, with true British obstinacy knocking his head -against any wall that comes in his way. He makes my Baronite almost -think kindly of the Inquisition. And this is genial at Christmas time, -when we like to think well of everybody, "and so bless us all, -Pen-and-Inkysition included," quoth TINY TIM, alias - -THE GAY BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. - - * * * * * - -A SEQUEL TO THE STORY OF UNG. - -(A FABLE FOR THOSE WHO RESENT CRITICISM.) - -_In continuation (with apologies) of Mr. Rudyard Kipling's clever "Story -of Ung," in the December Number of "The Idler."_ - - Now UNG grew exceeding bumptious along of his scribings on bone; - And he sware that no one could judge them save only the scriber - alone; - And he cocked his nose at the critics (save such as effusively - praised), - And he prated of "Art for Art's sake," till the tribesmen imagined him - crazed. - - And UNG grew exceeding abusive, and proudly "uplifted his horn," - With an Oscar Wildeish swagger, with a more than Whistlerian scorn. - He kicked with the wrath of a KIPLING at "the dull-brained _bourgeois_ - lot," - (Though he put it in different lingo, for _this_ Billingsgate then was - not.) - - But the prehistoric for "Philistine!" fell from his scorn-curled lips, - And he lashed the non-artistic with words which would cut like whips. - And the non-artistic tribesmen they cried "he is right, this UNG, - Though we doubt if the sabre-tooth tiger has got such a rasping - tongue: - - "But there's truth in his 'Art for Art's Sake,' and Art for him shall - suffice." - So they shut him up, with his bones and his tools, in a cave of ice. - No new-cut tongues if the bison, no pelts of the reindeer there, - But only cold snow for cover, and only bare bones for fare. - - For they said, "We are nowise worthy, we hunting and trapping fools, - To judge of his fine bone-scribings, and the way he uses his tools, - Only an artist can judge of an artist's work, and he - Is our only maker of pictures, our only man who can _see_. - - "So he must be artist and critic and purchaser all in one!" - And UNG admitted their logic, but he did not see the fun. - He cried "I am cold and hungry!" Then they said, "O picture-man, - Art for Art's sake is your motto; then live on your Art--_if you - can!_" - - And UNG essayed to do so--by gnawing his graven bones, - But he did not find them nourish, and he begged in humbled tones - For a lump of stranded whale-meat, succulent, fat and _hot_; - In return for which, if they cared for his bones, _they might take the - lot!_ - - So they let UNG out of the ice-cave upon these liberal terms, - And cured the fool of regarding his fellow-mortals as worms. - And whenever ye hear Art crackpots a-wagging an insolent tongue, - Why then--in the words of RUDYARD--_heed ye the_ "_Story of Ung!_" - - - - - * * * * * - - - - -Transcriber's note: - -The asterism on page 293 has been replaced with an asterisk. - - - -***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. -107, DECEMBER 22, 1894*** - - -******* This file should be named 42853-8.txt or 42853-8.zip ******* - - -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: -http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/4/2/8/5/42853 - - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Thus, we do not necessarily -keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. - -Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: - - www.gutenberg.org - -This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/42853-8.zip b/42853-8.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index d25f137..0000000 --- a/42853-8.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/42853-h.zip b/42853-h.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index f4528f6..0000000 --- a/42853-h.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/42853-h/42853-h.htm b/42853-h/42853-h.htm index bc2c510..b964381 100644 --- a/42853-h/42853-h.htm +++ b/42853-h/42853-h.htm @@ -1,7 +1,7 @@ <!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> <html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> <head> -<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1" /> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> <title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 107, December 22, 1894, by Various</title> <style type="text/css"> <!-- @@ -67,22 +67,11 @@ span.pagenum {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} </style> </head> <body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 42853 ***</div> <h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 107, December 22, 1894, by Various, Edited by F. C. (Francis Cowley) Burnand</h1> -<p>This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at <a -href="http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></p> -<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 107, December 22, 1894</p> -<p>Author: Various</p> -<p>Editor: F. C. (Francis Cowley) Burnand</p> -<p>Release Date: June 1, 2013 [eBook #42853]</p> -<p>Language: English</p> -<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p> -<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 107, DECEMBER 22, 1894***</p> <p> </p> -<h3>E-text prepared by Sébastien Blondeel, Malcolm Farmer,<br /> +<h3>E-text prepared by Sébastien Blondeel, Malcolm Farmer,<br /> and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br /> (http://www.pgdp.net)</h3> <p> </p> @@ -1427,360 +1416,6 @@ quoth <span class="smcap">Tiny Tim</span>, alias</p> </div> <p> </p> -<hr class="pg" /> -<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 107, DECEMBER 22, 1894***</p> -<p>******* This file should be named 42853-h.txt or 42853-h.zip *******</p> -<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> -<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/4/2/8/5/42853">http://www.gutenberg.org/4/2/8/5/42853</a></p> -<p> -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed.</p> - -<p> -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Thus, we do not necessarily -keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.</p> - -<p>Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: -<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></p> - -<p>This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.</p> - +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 42853 ***</div> </body> </html> diff --git a/42853.txt b/42853.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 6fc73cd..0000000 --- a/42853.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1756 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 107, -December 22, 1894, by Various, Edited by F. C. (Francis Cowley) Burnand - - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - - - - -Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 107, December 22, 1894 - - -Author: Various - -Editor: F. C. (Francis Cowley) Burnand - -Release Date: June 1, 2013 [eBook #42853] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) - - -***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, -VOL. 107, DECEMBER 22, 1894*** - - -E-text prepared by Sébastien Blondeel, Malcolm Farmer, and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) - - - -Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this - file which includes the original illustrations. - See 42853-h.htm or 42853-h.zip: - (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/42853/42853-h/42853-h.htm) - or - (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/42853/42853-h.zip) - - -Transcriber's note: - - Greek text has been transliterated and enclosed in equal - signs (e.g. =Panta rhei=). Individual Greek letters have been - replaced with their names (e.g. =alpha=). - - - - - -PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. - -VOL. 107. - -December 22, 1894 - - - - - -[Illustration: HONOURS DIVIDED. - -_Mr. Goodchild._ "YES, I DO FEEL IN GOOD SPIRITS THIS EVENING. MY BOY -HAS PASSED HIS EXAMINATION!" - -_The Earl._ "WELL, I DON'T SEE ANYTHING IN THAT. SO HAS MINE." - -_Mr. Goodchild._ "ER--INDIAN CIVIL?" - -_The Earl._ "NO--BANKRUPTCY!"] - - * * * * * - -THE SNUBBED PROFESSIONAL'S VADE MECUM. - -_Question._ You consider yourself neglected because, I presume, the -public do not appreciate you at your proper value? - -_Answer._ That is, indeed, the case, and for further particulars I refer -you to a recent correspondence in the _Pall Mall Gazette_. - -_Q._ Is it not necessary that you should acquire an immense amount of -knowledge to undertake the duties of your profession worthily? - -_A._ Certainly; and we welcome any kind of safeguard that will protect -the public against fraud and imposture. - -_Q._ Then you consider your profession very seriously? - -_A._ Undoubtedly. It is the most important profession in the world; not -a man, woman, or child exists who has not derived some benefit from its -exercise. - -_Q._ If I am not mistaken, you ought to be educated at Oxford or -Cambridge to do full justice to your opportunities? - -_A._ Certainly; upon the foundation of a school training at either Eton, -Westminster, Rugby, or Harrow. - -_Q._ Ought you not to take up human and comparative anatomy? - -_A._ As a matter of course, combined with physiology and chemistry. - -_Q._ But does every professor of your art follow this routine of work? - -_A._ Those who are of the greater worth. There are outsiders who assume -our noble name and yet know nothing of our special subject. - -_Q._ Besides the studies you have mentioned, are there any others -necessary to the formation of a man of your special attainments? - -_A._ Well, it would be well for an operator to understand metallurgy and -mechanics. - -_Q._ And have you to cultivate the graces of the person? - -_A._ Certainly; you must be of a pleasing and courteous presence. You -must be fitted by nature and art to obtain the confidence of those who -pay you a professional visit. You must be tender and true. You must be -able to converse on every subject under the sun, and distract the -attention of a sufferer from his pains by causing him to listen to your -anecdotes. - -_Q._ It seems, then, you must be an admirable Crichton? - -_A._ Well, yes, in a small way. - -_Q._ Then what are you called? May I put down an archbishop, or a Lord -Chief Justice, or a Prime Minister? - -_A._ No, neither. I do not aspire to be a person of so much importance. - -_Q._ Then what are you? - -_A._ Why, merely a dentist! - - * * * * * - -At the Fancy Ball. - -"Do look at that huge woman dancing with Uncle BOB. What is she? A -Quakeress?" - -"H'm! rather an Earth-quakeress, I should fancy!" - - * * * * * - -FIRST IMPRESSIONS. - -_En Route to the Mediterranean._--I am alone, until a Frenchman and his -young wife come in and glare at me, presumably because I am already -there. The ordinary honeymoon couple anywhere are supercilious enough, -and a French honeymoon couple perhaps more so. If you gaze absently at -the back of Madame's hat, when you are looking at the mountains beyond -Madame's head, Monsieur glares at you with the concentrated fury of an -angry menagerie. But a French couple, travelling in Italy, which loves -the Triple Alliance, develope an air of superciliousness quite -unapproached; and when their solitude is invaded by an Englishman, a -native of the country which occupies Egypt, thousand thunders, it is too -strong! - -So these two whisper together, and look out of one window, while I look -out of the other, at Viareggio, and the distant Carrara quarries and -other sights. All interesting and beautiful, no doubt, but not to be -compared to what I shall see beyond Spezia. Think of the blue sea, the -glorious hills, the olive woods, the Italian fishing villages, the -orange groves, the gardens and the flowers. Rather better than that -English coast which Londoners know so well, the seashore at Brighton, -probably the ugliest in the world, with the most unpicturesque town -stretching along it. Of course, I shall not see everything from the -train, but I shall at least have the recollection of an earthly -paradise, to torment me ever after when travelling in the infernal -regions of the Underground Railway. November in Genoa; November in Gower -Street! Halloo, this is Spezia! - -Now then, look out. Oh, here's a tunnel first. Wait patiently till we -are through the tunnel. By dim light of carriage-lamp perceive the -French people glaring at me. This _is_ a long tunnel. But then at the -end I shall see----Here is the end. Down with the window. There's the -Mediter----Halloo! Another tunnel. Up with the window. At last this one is -coming to an end. Down with the window again. Look out. There's the -Medi----Halloo, another one! Up with the window again. French people still -glare, but, it seems to me, more mildly. A fellow-feeling of -suffocation, no doubt. - -Well, this _is_ long. At last we're out. Down with the window once more. -There's the Med----What? Another one. Up with the window once more. This -_is_ a long one. Begin to cough. Frenchman also coughs. A bond of -sympathy. We cough together. Well, at last we are out of these awful -tunnels. Down with the window. There's the Medit----Up with the window. -Another one! These gymnastics with the windows are most fatiguing. Choke -again. Frenchman also chokes. "_Ces tunnels!_" he gasps at last, "_on -etouffe_----" Just then the train bursts into daylight, and his head, as -before, goes out of his window, like mine out of my window. There's the -Me----. Another! "_Sapristi!_" By Jove! More choking. "_Ces chemins de -fers italiens----_" begins the Frenchman. Then another burst of daylight -and his head and mine go out. There's the Medit----"_Matin!_" Great Scott! -Agree with Frenchman. "_C'est assommant_," says he, "_quel pays----_" Then -another gap and heads out as before. There's the Mediterra----"_Mille -tonnerres!_" I'm hanged! Frenchman and I abuse the line, the tunnels, -the bad light and the worse air. Another interval. - -There's the M---- "_Sacre nom de nom!_" Confound! Frenchman becomes quite -friendly. Even Madame says a word or two. Begin now to disregard half -seconds of daylight, and treat it as all tunnel over two hours' long. - -At last arrive at Genoa, our faces streaked with soot, our lungs full of -smoke, our collars nearly black, and all the superciliousness shaken out -of us. Frenchman almost affectionate when we part. As for the -Mediterranean, I should have seen nearly as much of it at Moorgate -Street. - -A FIRST IMPRESSIONIST. - - *** - -ON SOME CHRISTMAS DIARIES.--No backsliding in engagements if you possess -one of WALKER'S capital _backlooped_ pocket-diaries, they are strongly -bound to assist you. His Society Christmas Cards are, as they should be, -first class. In fact, "WALKER" is not "HOOKEY," but "O. K." - -[Illustration: AN EXTRACT FROM A PRIVATE LETTER. - -"----AND OH, MABEL, A _WRETCH_ MISTOOK MY SKIRT FOR THE 'BUS APRON, THE -OTHER DAY, AND DIDN'T FIND OUT HIS MISTAKE FOR EVER SO LONG. OF COURSE -HE WAS _AWFULLY_ NICE ABOUT IT; SO I HAD TO SAY, IT DIDN'T MATTER. BUT -WASN'T IT DREADFUL!"] - -[Illustration: THE INFANT PHENOMENON. - -LITTLE JAP LECTURING ON THE ART OF WAR TO THE EUROPEAN REPRESENTATIVES.] - - * * * * * - -THE INFANT PHENOMENON. - - When the song said Jap AH SID was just nothing but a kid - Of what ALCOCK dubbed "a race grotesque and savage," - The Wise West had not a notion of the kick-up and commotion, - The naval noise and military ravage, - That same "little kid" would raise; of the paeans of loud praise - The Wise Boy of the East would hear around him. - A pupil of the West he was held, but, upon test, - A teacher, in his way, the West has found him. - Phenomenal young Jappy, Occidental Powers seem happy - To gather round and watch the object lesson - In the wicked Art of War, seeing proof you've carried far - In matters which before we might but guess on. - If a kid, he's not a fool! With his ferula and stool, - His blackboard and his lump of chalk, he's showing - How to work an ironclad! It's amazing that a lad - With a lemon-face should be so wondrous knowing! - He'll teach you to work as _he_ does in the matter of torpedoes, - And how to blow a rival fleet to blazes. - In naval matters practical, strategical and tactical, - The nipper shows a _nous_ that almost dazes. - Though his names and terms sound funny, it is more than even money, - That he hides a lot of wisdom in his lingo. - And what matter baggy breeches, and a speech all "his" and "ichis," - If this "Boy" can give the Chinese Giant stingo? - His phiz looks flat and pasty, and his head-gear's hardly tasty, - And his eyes are like black-beetles set a-swivel. - But though plain or currant-bunny, and the colour of fresh honey, - He's as full as HADeSU of dash and "divil." - See, those eyes are all a-twinkle! Like the sudu-mushi's tinkle - Fall his accents very suave, but full of gumption; - And you'll hardly now find any to retort, "Oh, teach your granny!" - Or to twit the "little kid" with youth's presumption. - For the stalwart Teuton listens, and the Great Bear's optic glistens, - And the "Melican" "lays low and don't say nuffin'," - Save to whisper to JOHN BULL, "He's no mug, by a jug-_full_, - Who out of the Chinee has knocked the stuffin'! - Infant phenomenon? Wal, I rayther guess he's gone - And chalked it out a caution. He's a spry 'un!" - And JOHN BULL, who'll have to strain to keep monarch of the main, - Thinks the infant Jap a chap to keep _his_ eye on! - - * * * * * - -GENEROSITY UNDER DIFFICULTIES. - -(_The Question of the Day._) - -_Daisy._ I want to buy a Christmas present for JACK. Do you see anything -you think he would like? - -_Violet._ Here's a morocco case with seven razors, one for each day of -the week. - -_Daisy._ Lovely! But JACK'S got whiskers and a beard. - -_Violet._ So he has! Then why not this exquisite silver cigar-ash tray? - -_Daisy._ Yes, that would be _just_ the thing; only, unfortunately, JACK -never smokes, and always walks out of the room if anybody else does. - -_Violet._ Oh! That's awkward. This drinking-horn--what do you think of -_it?_ - -_Daisy_ (_gloomily_). I'm afraid JACK'S a Blue Ribbonite. - -_Violet_ (_after a pause_). He needn't use it for drinking from. It -would do for a flower-vase, if it had a stand. Anyhow, let's make haste -and choose _something_. - -_Daisy._ I would give him this lovely ink-bottle, only he uses a -type-writer. Ah, I have it--a purse! - -_Violet._ The question is whether JACK has it, not you. - -_Daisy_ (_enthusiastically_). Yes, a purse it shall be. JACK never has -any money--but _that_ is only a detail. Showy, isn't it? - -_Violet._ Awfully pretty! Made in Germany, too, it says; _that_ makes it -so much more romantic. - -_Daisy_ (_groaning_). Come away! JACK'S a _morbid_ patriot. Won't _look_ -at a thing not made in England. I must choose some other day. And we -shall be horribly late for lunch. Really, present-choosing isn't as easy -as one thinks! - -_Violet._ Not for JACK, at any rate! - -[_Exeunt hurriedly, and empty-handed._ - - *** - -"CHARGE OF THE LIGHT BRIGADE."--My Gas Company's bill. - - *** - -A "B. AND S." AT THE SAVOY. - -[Illustration: _Sir Arthur._ "Then _Box----_" - -_Sir Author._ "And _Cox----_" - -_Both._ "Are satisfied!" - -[_Curtain._] - -A great deal is expected from the collaboration of Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN -and Mr. F. C. BURNAND, more especially when the work is staged at the -Savoy, and is brought out under the direction of Mr. D'OYLY CARTE. The -brilliant audience that gathered on Wednesday night for the first -performance of _The Chieftain_ evidently came full of expectation, and -as evidently went away filled with satisfaction. Twenty-seven years ago, -when they were boys together, B. and S. (that sounds friendly and -refreshing) brought out an early version of the opera which they called -_The Contrabandista_. After the rehearsal of the new piece had gone -forward for some weeks, ARTHUR SULLIVAN stumbled over this rather -difficult word and sprained his ankle. Whereupon F. C. B., with -characteristic promptitude and originality, changed the name to _The -Chieftain_. That is the call-boy's narrative of events. However it be, -since the opera has been entirely re-written, enlarged and beautified, -it was natural to bestow upon it a new title. On the first night _The -Chieftain_ stormed the passes to public favour, and appears likely to -occupy them for some time. Nothing brighter in colour, fuller of life, -more musical, more mirthful, has been seen at the Savoy since its -palmiest days. Sir ARTHUR and Sir Author are perfectly mated, F. C. B. -brimming over with genuine humour, and A. S. pre-eminently displaying -his rare gift of expressing humour in musical notes. The cast is a very -strong one, which is fortunate, seeing the appetite of the audience is -insatiable, and only exceptional strength could meet the demand for -encores. Where all excel it is difficult to particularise merit. But -Miss FLORENCE ST. JOHN and Mr. COURTICE POUNDS in the French duet, Mr. -PASSMORE from first to last (especially in his Bolero dance, one of the -funniest things for a long time seen on the operatic stage), Miss EMMIE -OWEN in her graceful movements, and the sextet with its merry music and -its laughing dance, are things to see and hear. - -[Illustration: "Up in the morning early."] - - * * * * * - -ENGLISH AS SHE IS CRAMMED. - -The Oxford Board of Studies will conduct an examination in 1896 for the -new Final School of English Language and Literature. The following -preliminary paper is to be set:-- - -ENGLISH LANGUAGE AND LITERATURE. - -_Time allowed--18 months._ - -[Questions are to be answered either in Gothic or Icelandic, according -to the taste and fancy of the candidate. The dates of the _viva voce_ -"Chatter about SHELLEY," and "Scandal about Queen ELIZABETH," will be -announced shortly. Evening dress optional. Smoking and Bohemian Concert -to follow. See Handbills.] - -1. Write out the English Alphabet as inaccurately as possible; and -distinguish between great A and the track of a duck. - -2. Translate the following unheard-of passage from BEOWULF:-- - - Tuinchael .... lytl ... - Haui onedr hwatuar - Uppabuvye wereld sohi - Lika ... ynneye ... - -Supply the _lacunae_ in the text. Candidates may send in as many -solutions as they please, provided each is accompanied with a shilling -Postal Order. The total amount subscribed will be pooled among the -winners, less ten per cent. for our commission. - -3. Discuss the following:-- - -(=alpha=) When is a door not a negress? - -(=beta=) What is the difference between hearing recitation and being bored? - -(=gamma=) Why is HALL CAINE like a tenpenny nail? - -_Any_ replies to the above will be most thankfully received, and paid -for at our usual rates. - -4. - - "There was a very foolish, fond old man, - Fourscore and upward, dwelling at Liskeard, - Who said, I am not in my perfect mind; - It is just as I feared, in very sooth, - For, to deal plainly, four larks and a hen, - Two hooting owls, and one small wren to boot, - Did each one lodge last night within my beard." - -_King Lear_, Act IV., Sc. 6. - -Hence show, by internal evidence, that EDWARD LEAR wrote BAKESPEARE. - -5. State the various questions to the following answer:--"Because -there's a 'b' in both." - -6. Give the meaning, if any, to the subjoined flowers of speech:--_cheese -your patter_, _perform the negative_, _a runcible cat_, _cow-chilo_, _do -a drag_, _a pale paradox_, _going tommy-dodd_, _dead-lurk a crib_, _the -hush of the corn_, _ferjunt rarm_, _the mome-raths outgrabe_, and -_filling up the cup_. - -7. Trace the origin of the following legends:--(_a_) The old lady who -travelled twice round the Inner Circle Railway against her wish; (_b_) -The conversation between TOOLE and St. Peter about HENRY IRVING; (_c_) -The leading journalist whose nose cost him L8,000 to colour; and mention -any other chestnuts you may know of. - -8. Compose a leader in the _Times_ style on Ballet-girls and their -Little Ways; in _D. T._ phraseology on Quaternions; _a la Pink 'Un_ on -the Delights of Sunday School; and in the best _Guardian_ manner in -Defence of Prize-fighting. - -9. Write down all you don't know about any mortal subject you are most -ignorant of, provided it has nothing to do with the English language and -literature. - - *** - -"In spite of all temptation," MARCUS WARD & CO. remain true Englishmen, -and have had their dainty Christmas cards, and other delightful -novelties, "not printed in Germany." The support of the loyal British -shopper should be their _re-Ward_. But C. W. FAULKNER & CO. evidently -think that a foreign name is more attractive, and have christened their -new table-game "Malletino." It hardly requires a deep knowledge of -Italian to discover that it is played with mallets, and is amusing. -Their cards and calendars are quite "up to date"--at least the latter -will be next year. - - *** - -EXCEPTION.--Pleasant Christmas Bills: Bills of Fare. - - * * * * * - -THE NEW HEROINE. - -(_A Scene from the Drama of To-morrow._) - -_Edwin._ And do you really love me? - -_Angelina._ With all my heart and soul; and yet---- - -_Edwin._ Yet what? ANGELINA, why do you look so strangely at me? There -is something on your mind, something you have not the courage to tell -me. - -[Illustration] - -_Angelina._ EDWIN, I can hide nothing from you. Even though it should -wreck both our lives, you have the right to know the truth. - -_Edwin._ My own darling, what is in your heart? - -_Angelina._ Can you bear to hear it? Don't look at me, or I shall not -have the courage to say what must be said. EDWIN, I have never lived a -disreputable life. - -_Edwin_ (_burying his face in his hands_). Great Heaven! and I believed -in you so utterly. (_Then rising, with a desperate effort to control his -emotion._) Good-bye. - -_Angelina_ (_falling on her knees, and clinging to him_). Ah, no, you -shall not go. Think of it, EDWIN, of the temptations to virtue that -surrounded me, of the examples of simple girlhood that poisoned my -youth. If I have lived a life of spotless innocence, remember, at least, -that I knew no better. What else could I do? Brought up from earliest -infancy by a mother of unblemished reputation? - -_Edwin_ (_with a gesture of horror_). Your mother, too? ANGELINA, our -marriage is impossible. - -_Angelina._ How hard you men are. Is your sex alone to have the monopoly -of innocence? Must there always be one law for women and another for -dramatic authors? Oh, it is cruel! cruel! But you will not leave me. -Remember, I am still young: it is never too late to err. And is it -because I am a woman that I am to be denied the chance of retrieving the -innocence of a mis-spent youth by the indiscretions of a riper -womanhood? Besides, are there not cases, cases known to us both where a -wife has lived down the terrible reproach of a blameless girlhood? Why, -even Mr. JONES'S latest heroine, and there is nothing later than that, -could not absolutely prove she had gone wrong, and yet her husband took -her back! But you are so proud, so relentless. You have no pity in your -heart. - -_Edwin._ Believe me, it is not pride. For myself, I would gladly brave -the censure of the world, and if in after years men should say in scorn -he married her though there was nothing against her, I should still be -happy, knowing I had your love. But my father, that dear old man in his -quiet, country vicarage. Think of it? It is too horrible! - -_Angelina_ (_with bowed head._) You are right, I had forgotten your -father. - -_Edwin._ How could I ever look into that sweet, wrinkled face, and meet -those reverend eyes, knowing that I was asking him to receive as a -daughter one who had never even once strayed from the paths of virtue? - -_Angelina._ I see it all now, good-bye. - -_Edwin._ Good-bye. - -_Angelina_ (_as he is going_). EDWIN, come back. - -_Edwin._ Ah! don't torture me, I can bear no more! - -_Angelina._ But what if I were to tell you that this confession, so -humiliating to us both, was but a ruse to test the strength of your -devotion. - -_Edwin._ Ah, don't raise a false hope within me, only to plunge me again -in the abyss of despair. - -_Angelina._ But this is no false hope. - -_Edwin_ (_eagerly_). What do you mean? - -_Angelina_ (_burying her head on his shoulder_). I mean that I been no -better than I should be. - -_Edwin_ (_embracing her_). My own true love, nothing can part us now. - -_Curtain._ - - * * * * * - -Crackers. - -The youthful but indiscriminating would-be smoker will find unending -bliss in the joys of _Our Smoking-Room Concert_, his pleasure though -commencing with a bang won't end in smoke. Feminine hearts who long for -the sunny south will revel in the _Riviera Cosaque_. Both these are -warranted to "go off," through the inventive genius of our "crack" G. -SPARAGNAPANE. - - * * * * * - -THE TRUISMS OF LIFE. - -(_By the Right Hon. the Author of "The Platitudes of Life," M.P., -F.R.S., D.C.L., LL.D._) - -CHAPTER II.--_De Quibusdam Aliis._ - -"Cleanliness is next to Godliness"; so runs the witty aphorism; and -modern bacteriologists "explain clearly the reason, _and_ show why it is -so,"[1] the italics not being in the original. The use of water is an -effectual element in cleanliness. Men have been known to brush their -teeth with it. Of soaps there are many; but water is practically one. -"=Panta rhei,=" said THALES. And, again, "There is a tide in the affairs of -men,"[2] as Lord BYRON put it, in confirmation of SHAKSPEARE'S previous -statement. - -[1] Lubbock. - -[2] Don Juan. - -Fresh air contributes largely to the health. "_In aere salus_," said the -Romans; though some, for want of knowledge, have rendered this, "There -is safety in flight"; and others, for want of the diaeresis, have -supposed it to mean, "Tip a policeman, and he will carry you over the -crossing." - -Yes, indeed, how wonderful is the air! Not only confined, as in aerated -bread or waters, but in the open. By it we breathe and smell and sail on -ships. Also the fields are full of buttercups. And then the weather! How -much of true happiness depends on conversation, and how much of this on -the weather! Yet "there is really no such thing as bad weather, only -different kinds of good weather."[3] This true thought has often helped -me in a London fog. - -[3] Ruskin. - -Again, the open air suggests games and railways. "Games are -admirable."[4] Did not Lord NELSON rightly say that the battle of -Trafalgar was "won in the playing-fields of Eton?" He referred of course -to the floods. Railways take us about through the air. RUSKIN speaks of -the advantage of increasing the "range of what we see," forgetting for -the moment his views about locomotives. - -[4] Sir James Paget. - -Among other forms of recreation men reckon Art and meals and their -wives' relations. I say nothing of the Drama, though the other day I -came across the statement that "All the world's a stage."[5] - -[5] Shakspeare. - -Another recreation is letter-writing. Lord CHESTERFIELD wrote letters. -But be careful. If you have written a cruel letter, put a stamp on it, -lest it come back upon your own head. - -I have spoken of a man's wife's relations. This implies marriage. "The -wise choice of female friends is ... important."[6] "Grapple them to thy -soul with hoops of steel,"[7] as a writer lately put it, thinking, -perhaps, of the Elizabethan skirt. There are risks in marriage. It is -"for better for worse."[8] This distinction is well brought out in the -two following passages--"And oh! if there be an Elysium on earth, it is -this, it is this!"[9] and "Wedlock's a saucy, sad, familiar state."[10] - -[6] Lubbock. - -[7] Lubbock adapting Shakspeare. - -[8] Marriage service. - -[9] Tom Moore. - -[10] Peter Pindar. - -One might throw out some thoughts on the question of selection, but, as -a friend aptly and originally expressed himself to me--"Silence is -golden"; and I remember to have read that "talking should be an exercise -of the brain and not of the tongue."[11] Substitute "writing" for -"talking," and "pen" for "tongue," and I really wonder why I have -written all this. Can it be that I regard the reading public as "mostly -fools"?[12] - -[11] Lubbock. - -[12] Carlyle. - - * * * * * - -THE MAKING OF A MAN. - -["Lord ROSEBERY is not a man at all: he is a political Joint-Stock -Company, _Limited_."--_Letter from Mr. Chamberlain in the "Times."_] - - Oh, CHAMBERLAIN, with joy I note the labour of the file - In this delightful sample of your literary style. - I seem to see you trying it in half a hundred ways, - Before your taste could settle on the perfect final phrase. - With just a little polish here, a slight erasure there, - You got it into shape at last, and made your copy fair. - Lo, how its graceful suavity all meaner folk rebukes, - In every little word I trace the influence of dukes; - The gallant style, the courtly thrust with controversial sword - Of one--what need to tell his name?--who dearly loves a lord; - Who learnt amid our feudal halls the ancient courtesy - That scorns to stoop to Billingsgate, or ape the bold bargee. - Serene and proud he follows still the good old maxim's plan, - And by his manners proves himself to all the world a Man. - - * * * * * - -Solution of Prize Conundrum given in our Last Week's Issue. - -"How to make life happy by adding fifty-nine to the latter half of it." - -The latter half of "_Life_" is "_fe_," isn't it? - -Fifty-nine is "LIX," isn't it? Add this to FE, and the result is -happy--"FELIX." - -[* The Conundrumist left the explanation and the country at the same -time.--ED.] - -[Illustration: THE FORCE OF HABIT. - -_The Vicar's Daughter._ "OH, PAPA DEAR, _DID_ YOU HEAR OLD MR. ROGERS -SNORING IN HIS PEW THIS AFTERNOON?" - -_The Vicar._ "NO, MY LOVE. DURING THE _SERMON_, I SUPPOSE?" - -_The Vicar's Daughter._ "NO! THAT'S THE FUNNY PART OF IT!"] - - *** - -"LYING LOW." - -["The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER has preserved, with admirable -composure, an oracular silence during the controversies of the past -few weeks. It is sad to think that the despairing appeals of the -Ministerial Press to Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT to 'remember his swashing -blow' may remain unanswered until the opening of the debate on the -Address some two months hence."--_The Times._] - - "Little Boy Blue, come blow up your horn! - The sheep's in the meadow, the cow's in the corn. - Where is the boy who looks after the sheep? - He's under the haycock, fast asleep(?)" - _Old Nursery Rhyme._ - -_Much worrited Old Liberal Party loquitur:_-- - - O little Boy Blue!--('tis a sweet name for _you_, - Though Pickwickian, perhaps, in suggestiveness!)-- - What are you a-doing? There's mischief a-brewing, - Our flocks appear troubled with restiveness; - Our cattle are straying. You ought to be playing - That horn with your old force and unction. - Of what are you thinking? In long forty-winking - Boy Blue seems forgetting his function! - - You're not worth a button! That Forfarshire mutton - The Unionist meadow is munching in; - Our bonny Brigg cow, boy, now can't you see how, boy, - The Tory corn-field she is crunching in? - You are losing your sheep, like poor little Bo-Peep, - And still that old horn lies unblown, boy. - You're letting them roam, and _they_ will not "come home" - If you do nought but "let them alone," boy! - - Still drowsing! Oh, drat it! Young PRIMROSE is at it - Without half your power of bellows. - And cynics are hinting that, while he is sprinting, - You're lazy--because you feel jealous. - Of course, that's all footle. Still, your rootle-tootle - Is wanted our courage to toughen. - 'Twas never your habit, like artful Brer Rabbit, - Of old to "lie low and say nuffin'!" - - Your horn, like great ROLAND'S, through high lands and low lands, - From Lincoln to Scotland, should blare up. - We need its loud rallies, or _our_ Roncesvalles - Will come,--when there _will_ be a flare-up! - 'Tis surely not rifted? When ROLAND uplifted - His Olifant, everyone heard it - For thirty miles round. So your sheep-horn should sound, - And too long, my Boy Blue, you've deferred it. - - Their noses foes may cock, whilst under that haycock - At Malwood at ease you're reclining. - Poor PRIMROSE, our shepherd, is getting will peppered, - The flock for your rally are pining. - You are only Boy Blue, not the shepherd? That's true; - Still, horn-blowing boys have their duty. - Wake up, and wake _now_, Sir, and give us a rouser. - Your best blast, we know, is a beauty! - - Our fold's getting thinnish, our flocks fast diminish, - Our milch-cows are sickening or straying. - Up! back up the _pastor_, or there'll be disaster. - The enemy's sheep-horns are braying; - _They_'re "calling the cattle home." Rouse, with a rattle-home! - Asleep? Well, perhaps you're "purtending"! - But though one may easily play up _too_ weaselly, - Sheep _do_ demand watchful tending. - - * * * * * - -TO A LADY. - -(_Born so late in the Year, that she nearly missed having a Birthday -altogether._) - - Accept, dear girl, the season's compliments - For Christmas and the twenty-ninth December, - Your birthday--most auspicious of events-- - Is also Mr. GLADSTONE'S, you remember. - - Yours _was_ a close shave, but I'm bound to say - That February the twenty-ninth far worse is, - And worst of all, to come on All Fools' Day, - Like BISMARCK--or the writer of these verses! - - *** - -THE REAL SCHOOL-BOARD.--Its Pupils. - -[Illustration: "LYING LOW." - -"LITTLE BOY BLUE, COME BLOW UP YOUR HORN THE SHEEP'S IN THE MEADOW, THE -COW'S IN THE CORN. WHERE IS THE BOY WHO LOOKS AFTER THE SHEEP? HE'S -UNDER THE HAYCOCK, _FAST ASLEEP (?)_"] - -[Illustration: THE GENIAL SEASON. - -_Hungry-looking Acquaintance_ (_with eye to invitation_). "SO GLAD TO -SEE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!" - -_Fat Chap_ (_evidently doing well_). "WRONG AGAIN, OLD MAN. I'M ENJOYING -MY DINNER!"] - - *** - -"THREE CHEERS FOR THE EMPEROR." - -(_Recommended for translation and use in the German Reichstag._) - - For he's a jolly good fellow, - And so say all of us. - But "hochs" at _all_ seasons to bellow - Is sycophant folly and fuss. - With a hip, hip, hip hooray, - For that capital fellow, our Kaiser! - If he'll let our cheers come in spontaneous way - As loyal _we_'ll be, and _he_ wiser. - - *** - -"COPY." - - Some call the world a vale of tears, - And some a haunt of bliss-- - "Copy" the world to me appears, - And all that therein is. - - I loved, I hated, and desired, - Despaired, like other men-- - And "copy" thus I have acquired, - Which still informs my pen. - - Now, all the scenes whereon I look, - All human joy and woe, - Spontaneously as a book - Into fresh "copy" flow. - - There is no pang too terrible, - No rapture too sublime, - To furnish forth an article - Or to suggest a rhyme. - - I'd like a little while to break - My fetters lucrative, - To love again for Love's own sake, - For Life's own sake, to live. - - To look upon the stars again - With no ulterior view. - Oh, aspiration wild and vain! - But--it is "copy," too! - - *** - -"ONE MAN ONE JOB." - -_A Christmassy Story for the Members of the L. C. C._ - -Mr. BLANK THREESTARS was an eminent member of the London County Council, -and had distinguished himself as a supporter of the cry, "One Man One -Job." In his opinion a workman should stick to his work, and try no -other. If he were a bricklayer, he should lay bricks; if he were a -painter, he should daub doors with colour. - -"We don't want one man interfering with another man's business," said -Mr. BLANK THREESTARS. "Let the shoemaker stick to his last." - -And this declaration of policy made him extremely popular in his own -set. He was considered a sound reformer. "Sound" in more senses than -one, as he happened to be particularly partial to the tones of his own -voice. - -One day about Christmas time, when the holly and mistletoe were much in -evidence, Mr. BLANK THREESTARS happened to be reading the reports of his -own speeches at Spring Gardens, and unconsciously closed his eyes. When -he reopened them, he found a gentleman in a black costume, who invited -him to give his opinion on things in general and the London County -Council in particular. Rather pleased to be asked to air his eloquence, -Mr. BLANK THREESTARS readily complied with the obliging request. He -talked long and well, and the gentleman in black seemed never weary of -listening to him. When he paused for a moment his attentive visitor put -a question to him which "set him off" again. And this was repeated quite -a score of times. At length, however, the orator became exhausted. - -"Why do you cease speaking?" asked the gentleman in black rather -impatiently. - -"Because I am very tired," was the reply; "and now, with your -permission, I will go for a turn on my bicycle." - -"Not at all. Your job is to speak, and I cannot let you do anything -else. So please continue your interesting remarks. What do you think of -the report upon the City of London?" - -Poor BLANK THREESTARS attempted to give his views on the subject, but -broke down. He was extremely exhausted; but the gentleman in black kept -him going. He insisted upon being answered this, and answered that, -until the eminent Member of the London County Council became almost -senseless with fatigue. He closed his eyes once more, and when he -reopened them, found that his own servant was standing by his side. - -"Going to Spring Gardens, Sir?" asked the faithful adherent. "If you are -it is time to be off." - -"No," returned Mr. BLANK THREESTARS; "never again. I shall resign. I -have had enough talking to last me a lifetime." - -From that moment BLANK THREESTARS became a changed character. He goes in -for all sorts of hard work--wood-cutting, cricket, football, and -golfing--but he never approaches the L. C. C. In fact, he has only -mentioned Spring Gardens once since his conversion, and then only to -link with its name an expression usually represented by the fourth -capital letter of the alphabet. And with this declaration his story must -come to an end, as he declines to utter another syllable in explanation. - - * * * * * - -QUEER QUERIES. - -FUTURE OF AFRICA.--Having read in the papers that Mr. JOHNSTON, our -Commissioner in Central Africa, advocates the colonising of that country -by "the yellow races," I write to ask if it would be of any use for me -to apply? As I have now suffered from chronic jaundice for sixteen -years, complicated with intermittent attacks of bilious fever, and, as -my skin is usually of a bright orange, I think that I should fulfil Mr. -JOHNSTON'S requirements down to the ground. Some of my friends urge me -not to go because they are sure the swampiness of the country would -carry me off; but Africa can hardly be much swampier than Lower -Tottenham has been during the past autumn, and, personally, anything -that would really "carry me off" from the latter place I should welcome -as a blessed change. Perhaps some reader, with more knowledge of Africa -than I possess, could inform me whether there would be much danger of my -yellow complexion, in case of my having a fit of the blues out there, -being converted into _green?_ Would Mr. JOHNSTON in that case regard me -as a sort of colourable fraud, and ship me back home? - -WOULD-BE PIONEER. - - * * * * * - -THE PERILS OF A JESTING PREMIER. - - When Premiers try to joke - (As they will like other folk) - They should really have a care - That their meaning be quite plain - E'en to Brummagem's slow brain, - Or it really isn't fair. - - For you see a Goodman Dull - The jest's flower may not cull, - And he'll send a queer epistle - To the _Times_ which shows him crunching - Gentle irony, and munching - Like a donkey at a thistle. - - The ironical's a trap - For your solid sort of chap, - _Au grand serieux_ he'll take it, - Your elusive little joke, - And, like terrier or moke, - Dig his teeth in it and shake it. - - Men will then look on and mock, - And the spectacle's a shock - To our Commonwealth's stability, - For it shows how little wit - Goes to governing us and it. - E'en in "statesmen of ability." - - It's so dangerous to be funny! - Men may make hardware, and money, - Aye, and even a career, - Who yet cannot make--or take-- - A good joke. They're wide awake, - Save to wit, though in a peer. - - Therefore, PRIMROSE, do not jest! - It comes badly, at the best, - From a man at the State's tiller. - The ironical reject - Above all, and recollect - Every JOE is not a MILLER! - - *** - -SEASONABLE REFLECTION.--To look at _Holly Leaves_--at its glowing red -appearance--is "quite a little holly-day!" The inside quite up to the -out. - -[Illustration: CARTE BLANCHE! - -"YOU WON'T MIND MY PUTTING YOU INTO MY NEW NOVEL, O'FLAHERTY?" - -"ME DEAR FELLOW, YE'RE WELCOME TO PUT ANYTHING ABOUT ME YE -LOIKE--_PROVOIDIN' IT ISN'T THRUE!_"] - - * * * * * - -CURIOS FOR THE CRICKETERS' EXHIBITION. - -Mr. BLOCKER's Bat, which he carried through a whole season without -scoring once off it. - -A Ball which was "muffed" eleven times in one innings. - -"Pair of Spectacles" (unclaimed) found on a cricket-ground. - -Fine Sitting of "Duck's-eggs" (exhibitor's name not mentioned), and -sample of "Butter" used in preparing owner's fingers for "a great -catch." - -"The Catch of the Season." Taken by Instantaneous Photography. -(Twenty-seven of these snap-shots--all different.) - -Model (on enlarged scale) of the "Mountain-molehill" between wickets, -after an hour's patting down by a fidgety batsman. (Photograph of this, -life-size, may be had on a slide for microscopic study). - -Instantaneous Photograph picked up at the Oval. (It is not known whether -this represents an epileptic octopus, or the crack fast-bowler, -SPINDLEWHIZ, "delivering" a ball.) - -Fragments and Splinters. (Supposed to be the gathered remains of wicket, -after being "scattered" by one of BUSTER'S lightning-expresses.) - -Diagrams. (Supposed at one time to be "kodak" of a lightning-flash, but -discovered to represent the course of a "misfielded" ball between -leaving bowler's hand and returning thereto.) - -"The Ball which Bowled BOKO." (Descriptions of--Thirteen in number, -unique, varied, interesting, but unintelligible, selected from the -unfortunate, and resentful, victim on thirteen several occasions when he -was "just explaining how he was unlucky enough to be given out first -ball in the Big Match.") - -Portrait of Umpire. (After reading the above thirteen authentic and -unimpeachable, but irreconcilable, explanations.) - - * * * * * - -BALLADE TO ORDER. - -[Illustration] - - If you're ever in want of a subject for verse-- - (Which I venture to say you may very well be)-- - When you're strongly disposed to indulge in a curse, - Like a golfer enraged at an afternoon tee, - Then take my advice. When you're badly at sea, - Just ask some fair lady to help you to settle - Your subject. Here's one which was given to me-- - _How long would a bat keep alive in a kettle?_ - - How long would it be, ere it felt getting worse, - And seriously thought it must give up the G - (Where G is the ghost), and how soon would a hearse - Be required for the poor little corpse. Or with glee - Would the sprightly small animal gaily make free, - And kick up its heels in the finest of fettle, - Considering it all as a wonderful spree-- - _How long would a bat keep alive in a kettle?_ - - Now it wouldn't be truthful to say that my purse - Has a superabundance of L, _s._, or _d._, - Yet I don't mind confessing I'd gladly disburse - All I _have_ got to know who it was--he or she-- - Who fooled the poor bat to so great a degree. - But it's really high time to take hold of the nettle - And end this ballade (you must spell with an _e_)-- - _How long would a bat keep alive in a kettle?_ - -_L'Envoi._ - - Fair Lady, I own that I felt up a tree, - At the thought of the subject. But, put on one's mettle, - It _can_ be done somehow--your thanks are my fee-- - _How long would a bat keep alive in a kettle?_ - - * * * * * - -FIZZ AND FUSS. - -Once more America "takes the cake" for grotesque absurdity. Mr. JAMES -PAYN tells us the teetotal folks there are shocked at the idea of -christening ships with champagne! Well, perhaps it _is_ a waste of good -liquor. "The rosy" in any form must surely be as completely "thrown -away" on the hull of an ironclad as titillation on a turtle's back or -(as SIDNEY SMITH put it) the dome of St. Paul's. The total abstainer, it -seems, "on the occasion of baptising a new liner," sent the President -(who was to perform the ceremony) "a bottle of water as a substitute." -The Irishman supplied with whiskey to clean windows with drank the -liquor and _breathed on the glass!_ Perhaps the President may see his -way to taking a leaf out of PADDY'S book. Let him drink the fizz (if it -is good enough) and "blow the water-drinkers!" Foolish fanatics! They -surely forget that for every bottle of "the boy" bestowed on an -insensible, unappreciative ship, there is one less left to "gladden the -heart of man." - - * * * * * - -THE CHRONICLES OF A RURAL PARISH. - -VII.--THE REAL THING. - -The poll is over, and the Parish Council for Mudford is at last a _fait -accompli_--or almost so. Yet, before I come to relate the story of the -polling, there are one or two matters which, as a conscientious -historian, I think I should not be justified in omitting. - -As I ought to have mentioned before, I did not think it necessary or -expedient in my candidature to hold any public meetings. Speaking -broadly, I declared to win with Miss PHILL BURTT on _Canvassing_. It was -far otherwise with some of my fellow-candidates. BLACK BOB and his mates -(HARRY JORKINS and WILLIAM BROWN) got down from town a young glib-spoken -fellow, who made a magnificent speech, with a Gladstone peroration, that -was supposed to be worth any number of votes. BLACK BOB (I am told), in -proposing a vote of thanks to him, somewhat cruelly called him "a cool, -honest and straightforward lecturer." One of these briefless barristers, -no doubt. Mrs. LETHAM HAVITT and Mrs. ARBLE MARCH held a joint meeting -(not to be confounded with a meat tea) in support of women candidates, -addressed by six enthusiastic ladies who pointed out the various fields -of energy provided for woman by this new Engine of Reform. The vicar, -the squire, and I, alone out of the eight, contented ourselves with no -perfervid platform appeals. - -I should also state that, as the poll grew nearer, my wife became -increasingly confident that I should be beaten--"and that, TIMOTHY," she -added, "you won't like." I pointed out (and I still think it was a -natural thing to do in the circumstances) that the most formidable -obstacle in the way of my succeeding was the apparent lack of interest -taken in the affair by my family. This made MARIA perfectly furious. I -needn't imagine I should bounce her into it that way; truth to tell, I -never for one moment did think so. She would go away and stay at our -town house with the girls till the whole affair was over--which she did. -So, uncheered by wifely counsel or daughterly devotion, I sallied forth -on the morning of the 17th to my Committee Rooms, thence to carry on the -last stage of this great contest. I plume myself upon the excellence of -my arrangements. Everywhere you were bidden (that is you would have been -if you had been at Mudford) to "Vote for WINKINS, the Local Candidate." -I am free to admit that there was nothing distinctive in this -description of myself. We were all local candidates, since we all lived -in the village itself. But this appeal to "local" feeling is always an -excellent card to play. I know in my own case that I secured five votes -at least from men who at the last General Election had voted for our -sitting Member because he was the "local candidate." Then I got some -boys to carry round a Big Loaf and a Little Loaf, adorned with suitable -placards, inciting persons, men and women, married and single, to vote -for me. I did this because I never knew of an election yet in which the -loaves did not play a prominent part. I was determined to leave no -electoral device--legitimate electoral device, of course, I mean--untried. - -Except for the masterly precision and perfection of my arrangements, the -polling presented few incidents. There were the usual number of people -who did not find their names on the register, and who were consequently -turned away sorrowing. (By the way, is "and who" right? I am never -sure.) Equally, of course, there were some idiots who would put off -voting till it was too late, and found themselves shut out by one -minute. - -At nine the poll closed: and the counting immediately commenced. I did -not feel equal to the strain of being present, and was represented by -Miss PHILL BURTT. I waited at the house in grim suspense. Suddenly I -heard wild cheering. Then a minute later Miss PHILL dashed up waving a -paper excitedly and shouting, "Hurrah! Top of the poll." And so it -proved to be. I, who had been last, was actually now first. Here are the -figures:-- - - TIMOTHY WINKINS, J.P. 219 - G. TRAVIS-MERTON (the Squire) 203 - ROBERT HEDGER (BLACK BOB) 203 - HARRY JORKINS 195 - WILLIAM BROWN 189 - HENRY SANDFORD (the Vicar) 172 - Mrs. LETHAM HAVITT 153 } Tie - Mrs. ARBLE MARCH 153 } - -I had hardly grasped the significance of these figures when the crowd -surged up over the lawn. In a few brief, heartfelt words I thanked them. -The greatest moment of my life--should never forget this kind -appreciation on the part of those amongst whom I had lived, and amidst -whom I hoped to die--wished them all a merry Christmas and good night. -And so--they went--home. - -The most curious point remains to be noticed. Mrs. LETHAM HAVITT and -Mrs. ARBLE MARCH tied for the last place. The Returning Officer declined -to give a casting vote. Oar Parish Council is to consist of seven -Members. The first six are easy enough to find out. The latest Mudford -puzzle is--Find the seventh. - -I had nearly forgotten to add that my wife (who comes home to-morrow) -has written to say she hopes I'm satisfied now. Well, I am. - -[Illustration: CAUTIOUS. - -_Visitor_ (_at out-of-the-way Inn in the North_). "DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING -ABOUT SALMON-POACHING IN THIS NEIGHBOURHOOD?" - -_Landlady_ (_whose son is not above suspicion_). "EH--NO, SIR. MAYBE -IT'S A NEW STYLE OF COOKING AS WE HAVEN'T HEARD OF IN THESE PARTS, AS -YOU SEE, SIR, WE ONLY DO OUR EGGS THAT WAY; AND"--(_brightening -up_)--"IF YOU LIKE 'EM, I CAN GET YOU A DISH AT ONCE!"] - - * * * * * - -A YULE GRETYNGE. - -[Illustration] - - For yow and for noon other, ladye dere, - At this ful jolyf sesoun of the yeer - Now wol I truste, ne thynkynge naught of cost, - This litel yefte to yon rede pilere post; - Ryghte wel ystampen sikerly, I trowe, - Anon myn yefte schal come to noon but yow. - Ne golde han I to yeve, ne pretious gere, - But floures that ben ful rare (this tyme of yeer). - Ne yelwe astere, late ycome to toun, - Ne yet (God wot) a grene carnacioun, - But tak al fressche from Convent Gardyn plot - Myn flour, and eek prayere, "Foryete-me-not." - With feste and merie chere and moche solas - Sone wol this jolyf sesoun yeve us grace; - So mote ye spende, whanne that bels swete chyme - At yule, in sothe a veray parfait tyme. - "At Cristemasse merie may ye dance," - And in the Newe Yeer han gret plesance: - So fare now wel, myn hertes queene; I praie - R.S.V.P.--Ther nys no more to saye! - - * * * * * - -OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. - -A Baronite warns me thusly: In opening _The New Standard Elocutionist_, -selected by ALFRED H. MILES (HUTCHINSON & CO.), you may think there is a -mistake somewhere, as on the first page you are confronted with an -anatomical sketch of a cheerful-looking gentleman with his chest laid -open for inspection. Don't be afraid, it's all right, the gentleman's -countenance is reassuring, still, it makes me wonder if all reciters -come to that. But after reading a little of LENNOX BROWN'S chapter, we -find it is an object lesson teaching the usually inflated reciter how to -work his diaphragm as it should be worked. Perhaps its advantages may be -felt when the elocutionist wishes to rouse an admiring but slumbering -audience with a little thundering out of "Rise! sleep no more." If the -average recitation has a soporific effect, PHIL MAY'S drawings in _Fun, -Frolic and Fancy_, by BYRON WEBBER will soon wake you up. The annual of -three F's quite fulfils the "promise of May." - -Though _Kitty Alone_, by S. BARING GOULD, runs through _Good Words_ this -year, edited by DONALD MACLEOD, D.D., she does it surrounded by -excellent company. Just imagine how a child's preconceived notions of -euphonious spelling will be upset by teaching _Artful Anticks_ spelt -with a _k_, by OLIVE HERFORD (GAY AND BIRD). Such a frivolous liberty to -take with any word in these days of solid moral educational principles. - -There always exists a certain sneaking friendly feeling for ghosts, -especially at Christmas time, but it's nothing to the Paddies who -experience a hurtful resentment if you won't listen to their familiar -banshee yarns, and _Banshee Castle_, by ROSA MULHOLLAND is full of their -sighing and wailing; they like to make themselves heard. - -_A propos_ of Christmas numbers, my Baronitess writes: _The Queen_ and -_The Gentlewoman_ present themselves beautifully "got up." They are both -decidedly smart, and, like their titles, their stories are by a very -select company. By-the-bye, in _The Gentlewoman_ the little bird says -that her New Year will open with an exciting serial, _Sons of Fire_, -from the indefatigable pen of Miss BRADDON. There is a hearty, warm -sound in it, agreeable at this time of the year. - -According to the researching remarks of JOSEPH JACOBS, who has arranged -a new and selected edition of _Aesop's Fables_ (MACMILLAN & CO.), one -gathers that the "modest violet" is not in it with the retiring manner -in which every other writer of fable have hidden their worth under the -sheltering leaves of the ever green laurels of Old AESOP. Their number -might be termed fabulous. But SHERLOCK HOLMES has not lived in vain. -With unerring instinct the true mythical authors have been tracked, and -their deeds brought to light. The immortal genius may at last enjoy his -own wealth, which he finds fits better now that it has not to be -stretched. Quaint little pictures, done by RICHARD HEIGHWAY, adorn the -pages. - -"A pretty volume of fairy tales," writes one of the Assistant Readers, -"comes from Messrs. SEELEY & CO. It is called _Lily and the Lift_, and -is not only written, but also illustrated, by Mrs. HERBERT RAILTON. -_Lily_ herself, the little heroine, who is wafted in the magic -hotel-lift through the regions of Fairyland, is a darling. Beautiful -butterflies, wonderful birds, quaint dwarfs, and lovely fairies abound -in the marvellous country visited by _Lily_. Mrs. RAILTON writes with -delightful fancy and quiet humour, and her illustrations add a great -charm to a book which is bound to please the little ones for whom it is -intended." - -[Illustration] - -_In Furthest Ind_ (BLACKWOOD) purports to be the narrative of Mr. EDWARD -CARLYON, of the Honourable East India Company's service, comprising his -escape from the hands of the Inquisition at Goa, his journey to the -Court of the Great Mogul, and much else. It all took place some two -hundred years ago, and was "wrote by his own hand in the Year of Grace -1697." As for Mr. SYDNEY C. GRIER, he simply "edits the narrative with a -few explanatory notes," which is very modest of him. The narrative is a -moving one, full of local colour, plastered on pictures of the outskirts -of India in John Company's day. Mr. EDWARD CARLYON is a properly -pragmatical person, with true British obstinacy knocking his head -against any wall that comes in his way. He makes my Baronite almost -think kindly of the Inquisition. And this is genial at Christmas time, -when we like to think well of everybody, "and so bless us all, -Pen-and-Inkysition included," quoth TINY TIM, alias - -THE GAY BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. - - * * * * * - -A SEQUEL TO THE STORY OF UNG. - -(A FABLE FOR THOSE WHO RESENT CRITICISM.) - -_In continuation (with apologies) of Mr. Rudyard Kipling's clever "Story -of Ung," in the December Number of "The Idler."_ - - Now UNG grew exceeding bumptious along of his scribings on bone; - And he sware that no one could judge them save only the scriber - alone; - And he cocked his nose at the critics (save such as effusively - praised), - And he prated of "Art for Art's sake," till the tribesmen imagined him - crazed. - - And UNG grew exceeding abusive, and proudly "uplifted his horn," - With an Oscar Wildeish swagger, with a more than Whistlerian scorn. - He kicked with the wrath of a KIPLING at "the dull-brained _bourgeois_ - lot," - (Though he put it in different lingo, for _this_ Billingsgate then was - not.) - - But the prehistoric for "Philistine!" fell from his scorn-curled lips, - And he lashed the non-artistic with words which would cut like whips. - And the non-artistic tribesmen they cried "he is right, this UNG, - Though we doubt if the sabre-tooth tiger has got such a rasping - tongue: - - "But there's truth in his 'Art for Art's Sake,' and Art for him shall - suffice." - So they shut him up, with his bones and his tools, in a cave of ice. - No new-cut tongues if the bison, no pelts of the reindeer there, - But only cold snow for cover, and only bare bones for fare. - - For they said, "We are nowise worthy, we hunting and trapping fools, - To judge of his fine bone-scribings, and the way he uses his tools, - Only an artist can judge of an artist's work, and he - Is our only maker of pictures, our only man who can _see_. - - "So he must be artist and critic and purchaser all in one!" - And UNG admitted their logic, but he did not see the fun. - He cried "I am cold and hungry!" Then they said, "O picture-man, - Art for Art's sake is your motto; then live on your Art--_if you - can!_" - - And UNG essayed to do so--by gnawing his graven bones, - But he did not find them nourish, and he begged in humbled tones - For a lump of stranded whale-meat, succulent, fat and _hot_; - In return for which, if they cared for his bones, _they might take the - lot!_ - - So they let UNG out of the ice-cave upon these liberal terms, - And cured the fool of regarding his fellow-mortals as worms. - And whenever ye hear Art crackpots a-wagging an insolent tongue, - Why then--in the words of RUDYARD--_heed ye the_ "_Story of Ung!_" - - - - - * * * * * - - - - -Transcriber's note: - -The asterism on page 293 has been replaced with an asterisk. - - - -***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. -107, DECEMBER 22, 1894*** - - -******* This file should be named 42853.txt or 42853.zip ******* - - -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: -http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/4/2/8/5/42853 - - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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