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@@ -1,36 +1,4 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 107, -August 11, 1894, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 107, August 11, 1894 - -Author: Various - -Release Date: April 15, 2013 [EBook #42546] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** - - - - -Produced by Paul Marshall, Malcolm Farmer and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 42546 *** PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. @@ -54,7 +22,7 @@ Acheron, tail waving in derision of wool-bearers whom the double-rowed desiring mouth soon shall grip, food for mamma-wolf and baby-wolf, papa-wolf looking on, licking chaps expectant of what shall remain; and up goes the clamour of flocks over the country-side, and up goes howling -of shepherds shamefully tricked by AEsop-fable artifice or doggish +of shepherds shamefully tricked by Æsop-fable artifice or doggish dereliction of primary duty; for a watch has been set through which the wolf-enemy broke paws on the prowl; and the King feels this, and the Government, a slab-faced jubber-mubber of contending punies, @@ -1235,360 +1203,4 @@ THE LATEST MADE OF HONOUR AT RICHMOND.--SIR JAMES W. SZLUMPER, Knight. End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 107, August 11, 1894, by Various -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** - -***** This file should be named 42546.txt or 42546.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/2/5/4/42546/ - -Produced by Paul Marshall, Malcolm Farmer and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 107, August 11, 1894 - -Author: Various - -Release Date: April 15, 2013 [EBook #42546] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** - - - - -Produced by Paul Marshall, Malcolm Farmer and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - - - PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. - - VOL. 107. - - August 11, 1894. - - - - - LORD ORMONT'S MATE AND MATEY'S AMINTA. - - BY G***GE M*R*D*TH. - - VOLUME III. - -And now the climax comes not with tongue-lolling sheep-fleece wolves, -ears on top remorselessly pricked for slaughter of the bleating imitated -lamb, here a fang pointing to nethermost pit not of stomach but of -Acheron, tail waving in derision of wool-bearers whom the double-rowed -desiring mouth soon shall grip, food for mamma-wolf and baby-wolf, -papa-wolf looking on, licking chaps expectant of what shall remain; and -up goes the clamour of flocks over the country-side, and up goes howling -of shepherds shamefully tricked by Æsop-fable artifice or doggish -dereliction of primary duty; for a watch has been set through which the -wolf-enemy broke paws on the prowl; and the King feels this, and the -Government, a slab-faced jubber-mubber of contending punies, -party-voters to the front, conscience lagging how far behind no man can -tell, and the country forgotten, a lout dragging his chaw-bacon hobnails -like a flask-fed snail housed safely, he thinks, in unbreakable shell -soon to be broken, and no man's fault, while the slow country sinks to -the enemy, ships bursting, guns jammed, and a dull shadow of defeat on a -war-office drifting to the tide-way of unimagined back-stops on a lumpy -cricket-field of national interests. But this was a climax revealed to -the world. The Earl was deaf to it. Lady CHARLOTTE dumbed it -surprisingly. Change the spelling, put a for u and n for b in the -dumbed, and you have the way MORSFIELD mouthed it, and MATEY swimming -with BROWNY full in the Harwich tide; head under heels up down they go -in Old Ocean, a glutton of such embraces, lapping softly on a pair of -white ducks tar-stained that very morning and no mistake. - -"I have you fast!" cried MATEY. - -"Two and two's four," said BROWNY. She slipped. "_Are_ four," corrected -he, a tutor at all times, boys and girls taken in and done for, and no -change given at the turnstiles. - -"Catch as catch can," was her next word. Plop went a wave full in the -rosy mouth. "Where's the catch of this?" stuttered the man. - -"A pun, a pun!" bellowed the lady. "But not by four-in-hand from -London." - -She had him there. He smiled a blue acquiescence. So they landed, and -the die was cast, ducks changed, and the goose-pair braving it in dry -clothes by the kitchen fire. There was nothing else to be done; for the -answer confessed to a dislike of immersions two at a time, and the hair -clammy with salt like cottage-bacon on a breakfast-table. - -Lord ORMONT sat with the jewels seized from the debating, unbeaten -sister's grasp. - -"She is at Marlow," he opined. - -"Was," put in Lady CHARLOTTE. - -The answer blew him for memory. - -"MORSFIELD's dead," his lordship ventured; "jobbed by a foil with button -off." - -"And a good job too." - -Lady CHARLOTTE was ever on the crest-wave of the moment's humour. He -snicked a back-stroke to the limits, shaking the sparse hair of -repentance to the wind of her jest. But the unabashed one continued. - -"I'll not call on her." - -"You shall," said he. - -"Shan't," was her lightning-parry. - -"You shall," he persisted. - -"Never. Her head is a water-flower that speaks at ease in the open sea. -How call on a woman with a head like that?" - -The shock struck him fair and square. - -"We wait," he said, and the conflict closed with advantage to the -petticoat. - -A footman bore a letter. His step was of the footman order, calves -stuffed to a longed-for bulbousness, food for donkeys if any such should -chance: he presented it. - -"I wait," he murmured. - -"Whence and whither comes it?" - -"Postmark may tell." - -"Best open it," said the cavalry general, ever on the dash for open -country where squadrons may deploy right shoulders up, serre-files in -rear, and a hideous clatter of serjeant-majors spread over all. He -opened it. It was AMINTA's letter. She announced a French leave-taking. -The footman still stood. Lord ORMONT broke the silence. - -"Go and be----" the words quivered into completion, supply the blank who -will. - -But her punishment was certain. For it must be thus. Never a lady left -her wedded husband, but she must needs find herself weighted with charge -of his grand-nephew. Cuckoo-tutor sits in General's nest, General's wife -to bear him company, and lo! the General brings a grand-nephew to the -supplanter, convinced of nobility beyond petty conventions of -divorce-court rigmarole. So the world wags wilful to the offshoot, -lawn-mowers grating, grass flying, and perspiring gardener slow in his -shirt-sleeves primed with hope of beer that shall line his lean ribs at -supper-time, nine o'clock is it, or eight--parishes vary, and a wife at -home has rules. A year later he wrote-- - -"SIR,--Another novel is on hand. Likely you will purchase. Readers gape -for it. Better than acrostics, they say, fit for fifty puzzle-pages. -What price? - "G***GE M*R*D*TH." - THE END. - - * * * * * - - [Illustration: NO END TO HIS INIQUITIES. - - (_From a Yorkshire Moor._) - -_Sportsman (awaiting the morrow, and meeting Keeper as he strolls -round)._ "WELL, RODGERS, THINGS LOOK FAIRLY HOPEFUL FOR TOMORROW, EH?" - -_Rodgers (strong Tory)._ "WELL, SIR, MIDLIN', PRETTY MIDLIN'. BUT, OH -DEAR, IT'S AWK'ARD THIS 'ERE TWELFTH BEIN' FIXED OF A SUNDAY!" (_With -much wisdom._) "NOW, MIGHT MR. GLADSTONE HA' HAD HANYTHING TO DO WI' -THAT ARRANGEMENT, SIR?" ] - - * * * * * - - THE MARCH OF CIVILISATION. - -(_From a Record in the Far East._) - -_Step One._--The nation takes to learning the English language. - -_Step Two._--Having learned the English language, the nation begins to -read British newspapers. - -_Step Three._--Having mastered the meaning of the leaders, the nation -start a Parliament. - -_Step Four._--Having got a Parliament, the nation establishes school -boards, railways, stockbrokers, and penny ices. - -_Step Five._--Having become fairly civilised, the nation takes up art -and commerce. - -_Step Six._--Having realised considerable wealth, the nation purchases -any amount of ironclads, heavy ordnance, and ammunition. - -_Step Seven._--Having the means within reach, the nation indulges in a -terrific war. - -_Step Eight and Last._--Having lost everything, the nation returns with -a sigh of relief to old-fashioned barbarism. - - [Illustration: THE TRIUMPH OF CIVILISATION!] - - * * * * * - - [Illustration: A HINT TO THE POSTAL AUTHORITIES. - -THE EMPLOYMENT OF GOOD-LOOKING AND ATTRACTIVE YOUNG MEN IN CLEARING THE -LETTER-BOXES UNDOUBTEDLY RESULTS IN FREQUENT DETENTION OF THE MAILS.] - - * * * * * - - EASTWARD HO! - - "Oh East is East, and West is West," says strenuous RUDYARD KIPLING, - And what has the West taught to the East, - save the science of war, and tippling? - To ram, and to torpedo, and to drain Drink's poisoned flagons? - And Civilisation sees her work in--armour-plated Dragons! - The saurians of primeval slime they fought with tooth and claw, - And SHO-KI'S dragon, though possessed of wondrous powers of jaw, - And MIOCHIN'S scaly monster, whereat SHO-KI'S pluck might melt, - And the dragon speared by stout St. George in the bold cartoons - of SKELT,-- - These were but simple monsters, like the giants slain by JACK, - But your dragon cased in armour-plate with turrets on his back, - And a charged torpedo twisted in his huge and horrid tail. - Is a thing to stagger Science, and to make poor Peace turn pale! - - Yes, East is East, and West is West; but the West looks on the East, - And sees the bold Jap summoning to War's wild raven-feast - The saffron-faced Celestial; and the game they're going to play - (With a touch of Eastern goriness) in the wicked Western way. - For the yellow-man has borrowed from the white-man all that's bad, - From shoddy and fire-water, to the costly Ironclad. - He will not have our Bibles, but he welcomes our Big Guns, - And he blends with the wild savagery of Vandals, Goths or Huns, - The scientific slaughter of the Blood-and-Iron Teuton!-- - A sight that Civilisation would right willingly be mute on. - But these armour-plated dragons that infest the Yellow Sea - Are worse than the Norse "Dragons" whose black raven flag flew free - O'er fiord and ocean-furrow in the valorous Viking days. - Heathen Chinee and Pagan Jap have learned our Western ways - Of multitudinous bloodshed; every slaughtering appliance, - Devices of death-dealing skill, and deviltries of Science - Strengthen the stealthy Mongol and the sanguinary Turk; - And Civilisation stands, and stares, and cries, - "Is this _my_ work?" - - * * * * * - - Mem. by a Muddled One. - - "Poems in Prose" seem all the go. - _They_'re bad enough, but worse - The dreary hotch-potch we all know - Too sadly;--prose in verse! - - * * * * * - - OLD THREE-VOL. - - There rose two Book-Kings in the West, - Two Kings both great and high; - And they have sworn a solemn oath - Good old Three-Vol. shall die. - - They took a pen and wrote him down, - Piled sins upon his head; - And they have sworn a solemn oath - Good old Three-Vol. is dead. - - But when "the Season" comes once more, - And folks for fiction call, - Old Three-Vol. _may_ rise up again, - And sore surprise them all! - - * * * * * - - REMNANTS. - - (_A Pindaric Fragment._) - - In the young season's prime - Yon remnant felt its major portion reft, - And waited for the surplus time - Ingloriously left. - - For it no glories of the lawn, - No whirling in the valse that greets the dawn, - No record in the fleeting roll of fame - That gives the wearer's name, - And tells a waiting world what gown she wore; - While that which went before - No cheaply-sober destiny has found - But graced fair Fashion's ground, - Where Pleasure, gaily deck'd, - Within the fancied circle of select, - Watches the Polo cavalry at war, - The victim pigeons tumbled in their gore, - The rival Blues at Lord's, the racing steeds - On Ascot's piney meads, - Or where luxuriant Goodwood's massy trees - Murmur to no common breeze, - And see afar the glint of England's summer seas. - - Impute no fault, ye proud, nor grandeur mock, - If frugal Elegance, discreet and fair, - The aftermath of lavish Fashion reap, - And, having waited long with nought to wear, - Get the same goods, though late, and get them cheap. - Next year the daintiest gowns by lawn and lock - May haply be the fruit of surplus summer stock. - - * * * * * - -POPE FOR THE EMANCIPATED SEX.--"The understudy of mankind is woman." - - * * * * * - - LYRE AND LANCET. - - (_A Story in Scenes._) - - PART VI.--ROUND PEGS IN SQUARE HOLES. - - SCENE IX.--_The Entrance Hall at Wyvern._ - -_Tredwell_ (_to_ Lady CANTIRE). This way, if you please, my lady. Her -ladyship is in the Hamber Boudwore. - -_Lady Cantire._ Wait. (_She looks round._) What has become of that young -Mr. ANDROM----? (_Perceiving_ SPURRELL, _who has been modestly -endeavouring to efface himself._) Ah, _there_ he is! Now, come along, -and be presented to my sister-in-law. She'll be enchanted to know you! - -_Spurrell._ But indeed, my lady I--I think I'd better wait till she -sends for me. - -_Lady Cant._ Wait? Fiddlesticks! What! A famous young man like you! -Remember _Andromeda_, and don't make yourself so ridiculous! - -_Spurr._ (_miserably_). Well, Lady CANTIRE, if her ladyship _says_ -anything, I hope you'll bear me out that it wasn't---- - -_Lady Cant._ Bear you out? My good young man, you seem to need somebody -to bear you _in_! Come, you are under My wing. _I_ answer for your -welcome--so do as you're told. - -_Spurr._ (_to himself, as he follows resignedly_). It's my belief -there'll be a jolly row when I _do_ go in; but it's not my fault! - -_Tred._ (_opening the door of the Amber Boudoir_), Lady CANTIRE and Lady -MAISIE MULL. (_To_ SPURRELL.) What name, if you please, Sir? - -_Spurr._ (_dolefully_). You can say "JAMES SPURRELL"--you needn't -_bellow_ it, you know! - -_Tred._ (_ignoring this suggestion_). Mr. JAMES SPURRELL. - -_Spurr._ (_to himself, on the threshold_). If I don't get the chuck for -this, I _shall_ be surprised, that's all! - - [_He enters._ - - [Illustration: "What name, if you please, Sir?"] - - SCENE X.--_In a Fly._ - -_Undershell_ (_to himself_). Alone with a lovely girl, who has no -suspicion, as yet, that I am the poet whose songs have thrilled her with -admiration! _Could_ any situation be more romantic? I think I must keep -up this little mystification as long as possible. - -_Phillipson_ (_to herself_). I wonder who he is. _Somebody's_ Man, I -suppose. I do believe he's struck with me. Well, I've no objection. I -don't see why I shouldn't forget JIM now and then--he's quite forgotten -me! (_Aloud._) They might have sent a decent carriage for us instead of -this ramshackle old summerhouse. We shall be _hours_ getting to the -house at this rate! - -_Und._ (_gallantly_). For my part, I care not how long we may be. I feel -so unspeakably content to be where I am. - -_Phill._ (_disdainfully_). In this mouldy, lumbering old concern? You -must be rather easily contented, then! - -_Und._ (_dreamily_). It travels only too swiftly. To me it is a -veritable enchanted car, drawn by a magic steed. - -_Phill._ I don't know whether he's magic--but I'm sure he's lame. And I -shouldn't call stuffiness _enchantment_ myself. - -_Und._ I'm not prepared to deny the stuffiness. But cannot you guess -what has transformed this vehicle for me--in spite of its undeniable -shortcomings--or must I speak more plainly still? - -_Phill._ Well, considering the shortness of our acquaintance, I must say -you've spoken quite plainly enough as it is! - -_Und._ I know I must seem unduly expansive, and wanting in reserve; and -yet that is not my true disposition. In general, I feel an almost -fastidious shrinking from strangers---- - -_Phill._ (_with a little laugh_). Really, I shouldn't have thought it! - -_Und._ Because, in the present case, I do not--I cannot--feel as if we -_were_ strangers. Some mysterious instinct led me, almost from the -first, to associate you with a certain Miss MAISIE MULL. - -_Phill._ Well, I wonder how you discovered _that_. Though you shouldn't -have said "Miss"--_Lady_ MAISIE MULL is the name. - -_Und._ (_to himself_). Lady MAISIE MULL! I attach no meaning to -titles--and yet nothing but rank could confer such perfect ease and -distinction. (_Aloud._) I should have said _Lady_ MAISIE MULL, -undoubtedly--forgive my ignorance. But at least I have divined you. Does -nothing tell you who and what _I_ may be? - -_Phill._ Oh, I think I can give a tolerable guess at what _you_ are. - -_Und._ You recognise the stamp of the Muse upon me, then? - -_Phill._ Well, I shouldn't have taken you for a _groom_ exactly. - -_Und._ (_with some chagrin_). You are really too flattering! - -_Phill._ Am I? Then it's your turn now. You might say you'd never have -taken me for a _lady's maid_! - -_Und._ I might--if I had any desire to make an unnecessary and insulting -remark. - -_Phill._ Insulting? Why, it's what I _am_! I'm maid to Lady MAISIE. I -thought your mysterious instinct told you all about it? - -_Und._ (_to himself--after the first shock_). A lady's maid! Gracious -Heaven! What have I been saying--or rather, what _haven't_ I? (_Aloud._) -To--to be sure it did. Of course, I quite understand _that_. (_To -himself_). Oh, confound it all, I wish we were at Wyvern! - -_Phill._ And, after all, you've never told me who _you_ are. Who _are_ -you? - -_Und._ (_to himself_). I must not humiliate this poor girl! (_Aloud._) -I? Oh--a very insignificant person, I assure you! (_To himself._) This -is an occasion in which deception is pardonable--even justifiable! - -_Phill._ Oh, I knew _that_. But you let out just now you had to do with -a Mews. You aren't a rough-rider, are you? - -_Und._ N--not _exactly_--not a _rough_-rider. (_To himself._) Never on a -horse in my life!--unless I count my _Pegasus_. (_Aloud._) But you are -right in supposing I am connected with a muse--in one sense. - -_Phill._ I _said_ so, didn't I? Don't you think it was rather clever of -me to spot you, when you're not a bit horsey-looking? - -_Und._ (_with elaborate irony_). Accept my compliments on a power of -penetration which is simply phenomenal! - -_Phill._ (_giving him a little push_). Oh, go along--it's all talk with -you--I don't believe you mean a word you say! - -_Und._ (_to himself_). She's becoming absolutely vulgar. (_Aloud._) I -don't--I _don't_; it's a manner I have; you mustn't attach any -importance to it--none whatever! - -_Phill._ What! Not to all those high-flown compliments? Do you mean to -tell me you're only a gay deceiver, then? - -_Und._ (_in horror_). Not a _deceiver_, no; and decidedly not _gay_. I -mean I _did_ mean the _compliments_, of course. (_To himself._) I -mustn't let her suspect anything, or she'll get talking about it; it -would be too horrible if this were to get round to Lady MAISIE or the -CULVERINS--so undignified; and it would ruin all my _prestige_! Ive only -to go on playing a part for a few minutes, and--maid or not--she's a -most engaging girl! - - [_He goes on playing the part, with the unexpected result of sending - Miss_ PHILLIPSON _into fits of uncontrollable laughter._ - - SCENE XI.--_The Back Entrance at Wyvern._ -_The Fly has just set down_ PHILLIPSON _and_ UNDERSHELL. - -_Tredwell_ (_receiving_ PHILLIPSON). Lady MAISIE'S maid, I presume? I'm -the butler here--Mr. TREDWELL. Your ladies arrived some time back. I'll -take you to the housekeeper, who'll show you their rooms, and where -yours is, and I hope you'll find everything comfortable. (_In an -undertone, indicating_ UNDERSHELL, _who is awaiting recognition in the -doorway._) Do you happen to know who it is _with_ you? - -_Phillipson_ (_in a whisper_). I can't quite make him out he's so -flighty in his talk. But he _says_ he belongs to some Mews or other. - -_Tred._ Oh, then _I_ know who he is. We expect him right enough. He's a -partner in a crack firm of Vets. We've sent for him special. I'd better -see to him, if you don't mind finding your own way to the Housekeeper's -Room, second door to the left, down that corridor. (PHILLIPSON -_departs_.) Good morning to you, Mr.--ah--Mr.----? - -_Undershell_ (_coming forward_). Mr. UNDERSHELL. Lady CULVERIN expects -me, I believe. - -Tred. Quite correct, Mr. UNDERSHELL, Sir. She do. Leastwise, I shouldn't -say myself she'd require to see you--well, not _before_ to-morrow -morning--but you won't mind _that_, I daresay. - -_Und._ (_choking_). Not mind that! Take me to her at once! - -_Tred._ Couldn't take it on myself, Sir, really. There's no particular -'urry. I'll let her ladyship know you're 'ere; and if she wants you, -she'll send for you; but, with a party staying in the 'ouse, and others -dining with us to-night, it ain't likely as she'll have time for you -till to-morrow. - -_Und._ Oh then, whenever her ladyship should find leisure to recollect -my existence, will you have the goodness to inform her that I have taken -the liberty of returning to town by the next train? - -_Tred._ Lor! Mr. UNDERSHELL, you aren't so pressed as all _that_, are -you? I know my lady wouldn't like you to go without seeing you -personally; no more wouldn't Sir RUPERT. And I understood you was coming -down for the Sunday! - -_Und._ (_furious_). So did _I_--but not to be treated like this! - -_Tred._ (_soothingly_). Why, _you_ know what ladies are. And you -couldn't see _Deerfoot_--not properly, to-night, either. - -_Und._ I have seen enough of this place already. I intend to go back by -the next train, I tell you. - -_Tred._ But there _ain't_ any next train up to-night--being a loop -line--not to mention that I've sent the fly away, and they can't spare -no one at the stables to drive you in. Come Sir, make the best of it. -I've had my horders to see that you're made comfortable, and Mrs. -POMFRET and me will expect the pleasure of your company at supper in the -'ousekeeper's room, 9.30 sharp. I'll send the Steward's Room Boy to show -you to your room. - - [_He goes, leaving_ UNDERSHELL _speechless._ - -_Und._ (_almost foaming_). The insolence of these cursed aristocrats! -Lady CULVERIN will see me when she has time, forsooth! I am to be -entertained in the servants' hall! _This_ is how our upper classes -honour poetry! I won't stay a single hour under their infernal roof. -I'll walk. But where _to_? And how about my luggage? - - [PHILLIPSON _returns._ - -_Phill._ Mr. TREDWELL says you want to go already! It _can't_ be true! -Without even waiting for supper? - -_Und._ (_gloomily_). Why should I wait for supper in this house? - -_Phill._ Well, _I_ shall be there; I don't know if _that_'s any -inducement. - - [_She looks down._ - -_Und._ (_to himself_). She is a singularly bewitching creature; and I'm -starving. Why _shouldn't_ I stay--if only to shame these CULVERINS? It -will be an experience--a study in life. I can always go afterwards. I -_will_ stay. (_Aloud._) You little know the sacrifice you ask of me, but -enough; I give way. We shall meet--(_with a gulp_)--in the housekeeper's -room! - -_Phill._ (_highly amused_). You _are_ a comical little man. You'll be -the death of me if you go on like that! - - [_She flits away._ - -_Und._ (_alone_). I feel disposed to be the death of _somebody!_ Oh, -Lady MAISIE MULL, to what a bathos have you lured your poet by your -artless flattery--a banquet with your aunt's butler! - - * * * * * - - [Illustration: ARTFUL. - -_Mamma (to Johnny, who has been given a Pear with Pills artfully -concealed in it)._ "WELL, DEAR, HAVE YOU FINISHED YOUR PEAR?" - -_Johnny._ "YES, MAMMA, ALL BUT THE SEEDS!"] - - * * * * * - - A BETTING MAN ON CRICKET. - - Cricket may be a _game_, but I can't call it sport, - For "the odds" at it aren't to be reckoned. - There the last's often first ere you come into port, - While the first is quite frequently second. - There was Surrey, you see, slap a-top o' the tree, - While Sussex was bang at the bottom. - But, thanks to the in-and-out form of the three, - You _never_ know when you have got 'em! - For when I backed Surrey with cheerful content. - Why Kent walloped Surrey, and Sussex whopped Kent!!! - - * * * * * - - OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. - -"There are, methinks," quoth the Baron, "two or three novels--one -certainly I can call to mind--wherein the interior domestic life of Jews -strict in the observance of their ancient and most touching religious -rites and ceremonies is more amply, as well as more minutely, described -than in Mr. FARJEON'S _Aaron the Jew_, which, be it my pleasing duty to -testify, is one of the best of this prolific author's works; a simple, -touching story, the interest being well kept up, as of course the -"interest" should be when dealing with the true history of one who -commenced as a pawnbroker." As to the rites above mentioned, no special -or intimate personal experience is shown to be possessed by the author, -who could very easily have obtained his materials from an interesting -work entitled, as I fancy, _The Jew at Home_, which has, the Baron -regrets to say, disappeared from its shelf in the Baron's library. -_Aaron_ is lively, is gay, is witty, a "_Jew d'esprit,_" and, like _Mr. -Peter Magnus_, he amuses a small circle of intimate friends; but his -story, and that of his sweet wife _Rachel_, as related by Mr. FARJEON, -will increase this friendly circle to a very considerable extent. The -Baron ventures to think that a good deal of the dialogue and of the -descriptive writing is unnecessary,--but Mr. FARJEON likes to give -everyone plenty for their money,--and, further, that the story would -have gained by the loss of what would have reduced the three volumes to -two. But altogether, the novel is "recommended" by the interested but -disinterested - - BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. - - * * * * * - - A VOTE OF THANKS. - - _By a Hard-up Journalist._ - - [A strange light has appeared on that part of the surface of - Mars not illuminated by the sun. The _Westminster Gazette_ - of August 2 asks the question, "Is Mars signalling to us?"] - - Oh, men of Mars, we thank you, your behaviour's really kind! - (Forgive us if you've lately slipped somewhat out of mind!) - For now the silly season's set in with all its "rot," - You once more raise the question whether you exist or not. - - No doubt the good old topics will trot out yet again:-- - "Is Flirting on the Increase?" "Is Marriage on the Wane?" - Big gooseberries as usual with sea-serpents will compete, - To help the British Press-man his columns to complete! - - But you, my merry Martians, have opportunely planned - A mild but new sensation for the holidays at hand; - Your planet's "terminator," it seems, is now ablaze-- - 'Tis, say the _cognoscenti_, a signal that you raise! - - What is it that you're shewing terrestrial telescopes? - Is't pills you're advertising, or booming patent soaps? - How on earth can one discover what by this beacon's meant, - Whether news of Royal Weddings or Railway Strikes is sent? - - Alas! We haven't mastered the transplanetic code; - Your canals are yet a riddle, in vain your fires have glowed! - Still, do not let your efforts each August-tide abate-- - You furnish us with "copy," which maintains the Fourth Estate! - - * * * * * - -DISTINGUISHED VISITORS TO BOURNEMOUTH.--The Royal Bath Hotel announces -"Private Suites." Is "General Bitters" there also? - - *** - -EDUCATIONAL MOTTO. (_For Mr. Acland's use._)--"A place for every child, -and every child in its place." - - * * * * * - - [Illustration: ON A CERTAIN CONDESCENSION IN FOREIGNERS. - -_He._ "OH, YOU'RE FROM AMERICA, ARE YOU? PEOPLE OFTEN SAY TO ME, 'DON'T -YOU DISLIKE AMERICANS?' BUT I ALWAYS SAY 'I BELIEVE THERE ARE SOME VERY -NICE ONES AMONG THEM.'" - -_She._ "AH, I DARE SAY THERE _may_ BE TWO OR THREE NICE PEOPLE AMONGST -SIXTY MILLIONS!"] - - * * * * * - - "MOWING THEM DOWN!" - -["He (Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT) confessed that he was not -enamoured of these exceptional measures, and he resorted to -them with extreme regret. But if he were asked for a -justification of this motion, he would refer hon. gentlemen -to the Order Book of the House of Commons."] - - _Gunner_ HARCOURT, _loquitur_:-- - - Exceptional measures I hate, - I'd rather not always be battling; - The good old "Brown Bess" I prefer, I confess, - To a new (Parliamentary) Gatling. - To fight in the old-fashioned way, - Good temperedly, fairly, politely, - Is more to my mind; but these fellows, I find, - Will not _let_ a leader be knightly. - - If BALFOUR would only fight fair; - And impose that condition on BARTLEY; - If JOE would not ravage and shriek like a savage; - Did TOMMY talk less, and less tartly; - Were GOSCHEN less eager for scalps, - And kept a tight rein upon HANBURY; - Why then 'twere all right; we'd soon get through our fight - And hatred in love's flowing can bury. - - But no, they're like Soudanese blacks, - All fury and wild ugly rushes. - They shriek and they shock, and they hack and they hock, - Till chivalry shudders and blushes. - And so the machine-gun, I find, - Is just the one thing _will_ arrest 'em. - They've quite lost their head, but a fair _rain_ of lead - Played on them will try 'em and test 'em! - - _Whir-r-r-r!_ GEORGE! how it's mowing them down, - Their Advance-guard,--"Amendments" they dub them! - They swarm thick and thicker. The handle turns quicker! - 'Tis dreadful; but then we _must_ drub them. - As COURTNEY so gallantly said, - 'Tis "deplorable"; troubles _me_ sorely. - But if ARTHUR and JOE _won't_ make terms, - why, you know, - They really can't blame me and MORLEY! - - * * * * * - - AIRS RESUMPTIVE. - - II.--THE LINKS OF LOVE. - - My heart is like a driver-club, - That heaves the pellet hard and straight, - That carries every let and rub. - The whole performance really great; - My heart is like a bulger-head, - That whiffles on the wily tee,-- - Because my love distinctly said - She'd halve the round of life with me. - - My heart is also like a cleek, - Resembling most the mashie sort, - That spanks the object, so to speak, - Across the sandy bar to port; - And hers is like a putting green, - The haven where I boast to be, - For she assures me she is keen - To halve the round of life with me. - - Some wear their hearts upon their sleeve, - And others lose 'em on the links; - (This play of words is, by your leave, - Rather original, one thinks;) - Therefore my heart is like to some - Lost ball that nestles on the lea, - Because my love has kindly come - To halve the round of life with me. - - Raise me a bunker, if you can, - That beetles o'er a deadly ditch, - Where any but the bogey-man - Is practically bound to pitch; - Plant me beneath a hedge of thorn, - Or up a figurative tree, - What matter, when my love has sworn - To halve the round of life with me? - - * * * * * - - THE YELLOW AGE. - - The poets sing of a Golden Age. - Are we trying to start its fellow? - The _Yellow Aster_ is all the rage; - The Yellow Races in war engage; - The Primrose League wild war doth wage, - And the much-boomed Book in cover and page - Like the Age itself is--Yellow. - Well, Yellow's the tint of Gold--and Brass! - Of the Golden Calf--and the Golden Ass! - Of the "livery" face and the faded leaf, - But 'tis tedious, very, beyond belief. - I own I am little inclined to smile - On the colour of age, decay, and bile - And mustard, and _Othello_; - I'm tired, I own, of it's very look, - And I feel compelled to cock a snook - At the Yellow Primrose, the Yellow Book. - Though an Age indeed - That runs to seed - Is like to run to Yellow! - - [Illustration: "MOWING THEM DOWN!" - - GUNNER H--RC--RT. "NOT MANY OF 'EM LEFT NOW!"] - - * * * * * - - [Illustration: EARLY LOGIC. - -_Little Girl (of inquiring mind, to Stud Groom, looking at a Mare in -field with Foal)._ "HOW OLD IS THAT LITTLE HORSE?" - -_Stud Groom._ "WELL, MISSY, HE'S ONLY FIVE DAYS OLD." - -_Little Girl (to her Governess)._ "OH, NANA, DID _I_ RUN ABOUT THE -FIELDS WHEN I WAS FIVE DAYS OLD?"] - - * * * * * - - A LITTLE HOLIDAY. - -_Sunday._--How exhausting is London life! Up late, night and morning. -Club. See summer number of illustrated paper. Pictures of pretty girls, -reclining in punts, hammocks, or deck-chairs, doing nothing, men helping -them. True holiday for jaded Londoner. Perhaps better without pretty -girls. Even more reposeful. Must get right away. Secluded place. No -pretty girls. That tiny inn JONES told me about. Miles from everywhere. - -_Monday._--At Tiny Inn. Fine afternoon. Feel quite happy. With summer -clothes, summer numbers, flannels, straw hat, and other suitable things. -Seven miles from station. Beautifully clean. Perfectly quiet. Weather -changing. Raining. Landlord says, "Soon over." Eggs and bacon for -supper. To bed early. - -_Tuesday._--Wake at five. Up at six to enjoy morning air. Eggs and bacon -for breakfast. Still raining. Landlord says, "Very remarkable, since in -this place it never rains." Somehow the clouds always pass over -neighbouring village, following the course of the river, the ridge of -the hills, or something. Have noticed in all country places that the -clouds always do this, except when _I_ am there. Impossible to lounge -under a tree in this rain. Stop indoors, smoke, and read summer numbers. -Eggs and bacon for lunch. Rain going on steadily. Put on flannels, go -out. Drenched. Eggs and bacon for dinner. Landlord says they hope to -give me some meat to-morrow. Butcher calls once a week apparently. Wet -evening. Somewhat tired of sitting on horsehair sofa with damaged -springs. Know all the summer numbers by heart. To bed at ten. - -_Wednesday._--Wake at four. Toss about till six. Then up. Still raining. -Breakfast,--eggs and bacon. Landlord says if I cross two fields I shall -find the river and a punt. Thanks. Will wait till rain stops. He says it -is sure to stop soon. Ask him if one can get a London paper. Says they -sometimes have one at the stationer's, four miles off, but generally -only when ordered. Lends me a local paper of last week. Reduced to -summer numbers again. Begin to wish there were some pretty girls here, -after all. They might enliven things. After lunch,--of eggs and -bacon,--resolve to go out. Ask landlord where one can go. Don't like to -ask "if any girls about anywhere?" Accidentally landlord _does_ happen -to mention Farmer MUGGERIDGE'S daughters. I pretend indifference, but -inquire as to direction of MUGGERIDGE'S farm. Lose my way. Wander -helplessly. Steady downpour. Return, drenched. Butcher has not been. -Eggs and bacon for dinner. Smoke, and read advertisements--plenty of -them--in summer numbers. To bed at nine. - -_Thursday._--Wake at three. Toss about till seven. Then breakfast--usual -dish. Rain, not quite so heavy. With fuller directions as to road, start -hopefully for MUGGERIDGE'S farm. Arrive there. Heavy rain again. -MUGGERIDGE loafing about. Country people always loaf about in rain. They -seem to enjoy it. Chat with him. He asks me in to have some cider. -Accept. Chance of seeing charming daughters. They enter! Now!... Oh! -awful!... Cider acid. Obliged to drink it. Hurry back. Lunch. Usual -dish. Still raining. Call in landlord, and ask eagerly about trains to -London. The next is to-morrow morning, at 8.20. Give way to despair. -Refuse eggs and bacon for dinner. Bed eight. - -_Friday._--Leave in landlord's cart at seven, after usual breakfast. -Still raining steadily. Gave landlord all those summer numbers to amuse -future weather-bound visitors with imaginary pictures of rural -happiness. London once more! Hurrah! Dinner--_not_ eggs and bacon. -Theatre. Smoke at club. Avoid JONES. Tell SMITH I know the sweetest -place for country peace and seclusion. He writes down the address -eagerly. Those summer numbers will amuse him. To bed--any time! - - * * * * * - -AT THE WINDOW.--Judging from the tone of JAMES PAYN'S delightful -_Note-Book_ this week, one fears that charming and cheery gossiper has -been "laid up," has been compelled to take his "Notes" from a sick-couch -at a window--has, in fact, for the time, become a window-PAYN! Well, a -window is no bad coign of vantage for an observant penman. "The World -from a Window" would make an excellent book, and JAMES PAYN would be the -very man to write it. Let Mr. PAYN think of it. _Mr. Punch's_ present -purpose, however, is to wish his good friend and favourite writer speedy -emancipation from the bonds of sickness and compulsory window-watching. - - * * * * * - - [Illustration: PREHISTORIC PEEPS. - -THE NAVAL MANOEUVRES AFFORDED MUCH PLEASURABLE EXCITEMENT TO THOSE -CONCERNED!] - - * * * * * - - SATURDAY POPS. - - NEW SERIES. - -"RUSTICUS," who is clearly "RUSTICUS EXPECTANS," was moved to write to -the _Chronicle_ on July 31st, to say that, though not a rich man, he -lives in a pretty Surrey village within an eightpenny return railway -fare of the City; and has a fairly large and quiet garden, with field, -&c. "The trees are all at their finest," he proceeds, "the flowers -looking very gay and walking in the garden." Capital fun this, when -flowers actually walk about. But no! it's "walking in the garden to-day -the thought came to me," so it's a walking thought, comparable, -doubtless, to a running commentary. Anyhow. "RUSTICUS" is moved--by the -thought of a "tired working-man or band of City workers" who would find -in his garden pleasure on a quiet Saturday afternoon--to make an offer. -Here are his words:-- - - "I am a bachelor, therefore I say, men, you are welcome to - my very simple hospitality if it is of any use to you. I can - do with a limited number every or any Saturday. Any creed or - class is welcome. All I stipulate for is honest souls. Come - and smoke and talk under the trees and spend a quiet time - away from the town. I simply condition--no publicity or - fuss, the giving and acceptance of the invitation quietly, - honestly, brother to brother. Would you, Sir, forward any - letters on to me?" - -This is of course an example which will be followed, and _Mr. Punch_ has -already had the following letter (amongst others), which he now prints -with pleasure. - -SIR,--Owing to the Death Duties, I am no longer a rich man, but I have a -little house in Piccadilly, not more than a twopenny 'bus ride from -Charing Cross. It has occurred to me that some hungry working-man might -like to drop in to a quiet little dinner some night. I am a Duke, -therefore I say, comrades in depression, you are welcome to my roof, if -it's of any use to you. I can dine a hundred or so of you any or every -night. All I stipulate for is that there shall be no speaking, for -speaking bores me horribly. - - D-V-NSH-RE. - - * * * * * - - [Illustration: A TOWN MOUSE. - -_Jones._ "WELL, MY LITTLE MAN, WHAT ARE _you_ THINKING ABOUT?" - -_London Boy (who has never been out of Whitechapel before)._ "I'M -THINKIN' IT'S TIME YER MOTHER PUT YER INTO _Trousers_!"] - - * * * * * - - LOWERED! - - Rates, rates, rates, - Of an exigent L. C. C.! - And I'm glad they can't hear the language - We utter so frequentlee! - - O well for the excellent Chairman - For trying to reduce them a bit! - O well for those Councillors wary - Who on costly "improvements" sit! - - And "demand-notes" still go on, - And our pockets are steadily bled; - But "O (we oft sigh) for a tenpenny rate, - And the sins of a 'Board' that is dead!" - - Rates, rates, rates! - Thanks, men of the L. C. C.! - We trust the farthing now taken off - Will never go back to ye! - - * * * * * - - "AFTER THE HEALTH CONGRESS IS OVER." - - SCENE--_A Ball Room at the Mansion House._ - -_He. (resting)._ Good floor, isn't it? - -_She._ Quite. But tell me, have you been attending the Congress? - -_He._ Of course; that is why I received an invitation to-night. - -_She._ And you found the lectures and all that most interesting? - -_He._ Yes, very; and then there were the Opera and the theatres in the -evening. - -_She._ But do let us talk about the Congress. Did you not discuss -sanitation? - -_He._ Discussed it very much indeed. So fortunate too that we had the -meeting before everybody had left town. - -_She._ Yes. But did you not inquire into microbes and all that? - -_He._ Certainly; had a lot of talk about them, and finished them all up -just in time not to interfere with Goodwood. - -_She._ And I suppose you found out the way to keep everyone in perfect -health? - -_He._ That was the idea, and yet we floored Lords and the Oval. - -_She._ But oughtn't every town to be in a satisfactory condition? - -_He._ Why, yes. But that depends upon the season of the year. Of course, -some places are deadly dull when nothing's going on from a social point -of view. - -_She._ I mean from a health point of view--oughtn't everything nowadays -to be simply excellent? - -_He._ Yes, of course. That's the modern theory. - -_She._ And yet, according to the papers, London is full of fever and -insanity. - -_He._ I daresay; the Press men generally get their figures right. - -_She._ But if, theoretically, everything is right, why should most -things be practically wrong? - -_He._ You must really ask me another. - -_She._ But you are strong upon health, are you not? - -_He._ Very--in the lecture-room. And now, if you are rested, we will -have another turn. - - [_Exeunt dancing._ - - * * * * * - - ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. - - EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. - -_House of Commons, Monday, July 30._--Having settled Budget Bill, and, -incidentally, brought CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER to Death's Door by -observations on Death Duties, TOMMY BOWLES has time to turn his -attention to another social question. Looks as if he were going to take -the Bicycle Fiend by the scruff of the neck. Herein he has opportunity -of deepening and enlarging his hold on affection and esteem of British -public. Bicycle Fiend has increased, is increasing, and, at least, ought -to be registered. He comes upon the hapless rider or pedestrian in quiet -country lanes, brushing him aside as if the earth were the Fiend's and -all the highways thereof. Bad enough in the country, where there is room -to get out of the way. In crowded streets of metropolis, Fiend pounces -round unsuspected corners upon elderly gentlemen, scattering streams of -peaceful passengers at peremptory sound of fearsome bell. - -TOMMY B. got his eye on him. Not without suspicion that this new -departure has something to do with old, now closed, campaign against the -Budget. TOMMY warned the SQUIRE whilst in Committee that his Death -Duties would not reap the full harvest anticipated. Every little helps. -What with actual concussions and sudden frights, Bicycle Fiend leads in -course of financial year to considerable succession of property changing -on sudden death, with concurrent toll paid to Treasury. If the Bicycle -Fiend can only be placed on same footing as the common carrier, or the -harried hansom-cab driver, the death-rate would appreciably decrease, -and with it the flow of legacy and succession duties. TOMMY may or may -not look thus far ahead. No matter, if he only succeeds in restraining a -nuisance that is a disgrace to a civilised community. - -The Member for SARK tells me he has a Short Way with the B. F., which -makes him to considerable extent indifferent to slower action of HOME -SECRETARY, who has evidently never had his shins barked by this agency. -SARK says when he takes his walks abroad he usually carries a stick or -umbrella. When, crossing a road, he hears the tinkle of the Fiend's -bell, insolently and imperatively ordering him out of the way on pain -of being run over, he, instead of flying for his life, as is the use of -the ordinary citizen, carelessly throws stick or umbrella lance-wise -across hollow of right or left arm, according as the Fiend approaches -from one direction or the other. Thus armed he leisurely pursues his -way. If the Fiend continues on the track, he will run with face or chest -on to the point of the umbrella. As that would be inconvenient to him, -he slows up or goes on another tack, and when he arrives home writes a -letter to the _Bicycling Blister_, indignantly denouncing a street -passenger who wouldn't get out of his way. - -_Business done._--Vote on Account through Committee. - -_Tuesday._--"PRINCE ARTHUR," said SARK, looking across at the Front -Opposition Bench whilst COURTNEY was speaking, "succeeds in hiding all -traces of storm behind a smiling countenance. JOSEPH, on the contrary, -more ingenuous, less acute in practice of worldly wiles, enables one to -realise, even at this long distance of time, what BALAK, the son of -ZIPPOR, King of Moab, looked like when he stood in the high places of -Baal, and listened to BALAAM'S remarks on the motion for the -time-closure to be applied to the Children of Israel, who had pitched -their tents in the plains of Moab beyond the Jordan at Jericho, and -declined to budge at the bidding of BALAK." - -Appearance of Parliamentary BALAAM on scene dramatically effective. -Crowded House worked up to highest pitch of excitement by swift -encounter, in which JOHN MORLEY had followed PRINCE ARTHUR, and JOSEPH, -springing in from behind, had clouted the CHIEF SECRETARY on the head. -The SQUIRE had moved time-closure on Evicted Tenants Bill in speech the -studied tameness and provoking brevity of which had riled Opposition -much more than if he had belaboured them with Harcourtian phrase. SAGE -OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE said a few words, preparatory to packing up for -holiday; then COURTNEY rose from JOSEPH'S side to continue debate. -Members, taking it for granted that he, possibly with some reservations -in favour of Eviction Bill whose second reading he had supported, was -about to say ditto to JOSEPH on question of Closure, began to move -towards door. Arrested by COURTNEY'S solemn tone, and his expression of -regret, evidently unfeigned, at deplorable condition in which the House -found itself. "Woe to those through whom offences come!" cried COURTNEY -in voice which, as he said, was of one crying in the wilderness, and -seemed for its perfect effect to lack only hirsute garb, stave and -honeypot. "Through whom did the offence come? Surely," continued the -Prophet, bending shaggy eyebrows upon the bench where the Busy B's hive, -"the offence lies with those Members who, disregarding the true uses, -functions, duties, and high mission of the House, abuse their powers, -intent to destroy possibility of the right conduct of public business." - -Not Ministers, then, with the SQUIRE at their head, responsible for the -deadlock, as PRINCE ARTHUR had painted the scene, and as JOSEPH had -touched it up with stronger colour. It was the Busy Bees. They and "a -junta of irresponsible landlords enforcing their will upon those who -ought to resist them." - -O BALAAM! BALAAM! M.P. for Bodmin. Was it for this JOSEPH led thee into -the field of Zophim, to the top of Pisgah? For this did PRINCE ARTHUR -build seven altars, and offer up the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD on every one of -them? Long time since such a scene was wrought in the House. SAUNDERSON -pished and pshawed, and looked anxiously round for LOGAN. BARTLEY -blushed; HANBURY was hushed; and a tear trickled down the pale cheek of -TOMMY BOWLES--Cap'en no longer, disrated and denounced. - -_Business done._--Time-Closure resolution carried. - -_Thursday._--Such larks! Yesterday time-closure came into operation in -connection with Evicted Tenants Bill. Arranged that if debate on Clause -I not finished by eleven o'clock to-night, all Amendments remaining on -paper shall be submitted to vote without further debate. Obstruction -scotched; wriggles helplessly, like eel in muddy depths of river, -smitten by the spear. - -"Shan't play," whimper PRINCE ARTHUR and JOSEPH, mingling their tears at -this fresh evidence of tyranny, this last illustration of man's -inhumanity to man. - -Strike ordered in Unionist lines. Men throw down the pick; hand in the -shovel and the hoe; put on their coats; hang about corners of Lobby in -approved strike fashion. If HANBURY and the Blameless BARTLEY could only -be induced to stick short clay pipe in side of mouth (bowl downwards), -fasten a leather strap outside their trousers just below the knee, and -drink four-half out of pewters at bar in the Lobby, scene would be -complete. - -Strike only partial. Fully one half the men refuse to go out; stand by -the masters, turning deaf ear to blandishments and threats of pickets -outside. Strange thing is that, working at half strength, output more -than doubled. Time-closure, with all hands at work, proposed to complete -Committee by eleven o'clock next Tuesday night. At ten minutes past six -this afternoon the whole thing through. Not hurried either. Thoroughly -debated, divided on, and Bill, in more than one instance, amended. - -"Fact is," said the SQUIRE, beaming with chastened delight at turn -events taken, "we are over-manned just as London is over-cabbed. Must -see if something can't be done to reduce numbers by refusing licenses -for fresh elections when vacancies occur." - -_Business done._--Evicted Tenants Bill through Committee. Building -Societies Bill far advanced. - - [Illustration: THE CARSON BANSHEE. - -_John Morley._ "You see it's all right, my little man. I told you you -needn't be frightened of _him_. It was only his vapour. We're through -the Commons now! Come along, and I'll leave you at the door of the -Lords'. See how you get on there!"] - -_Friday._--Back in the mud again. Strike operative only when Evicted -Tenants Bill under consideration. That standing over now for Report -Stage. Meanwhile take up again Equalisation of Rates Bill. Men on strike -stream in, tired of "playing." Wonderful their eagerness to get to work -again, their keen delight in sound of their own voices, so strangely -intermitted. BARTLEY, KIMBER, FISHER, JOKIM, and the WOOLWICH INFANT all -here again, with WEBSTER (of St. Pancras) wobbling all over the place, -like a hen that has laid an egg somewhere and can't for the life of her -just at the minute think where she left it. - -_Business done._--Hardly any. As BARTLEY says, "must make up for lost -time when yesterday and day before work advanced by leaps and bounds." - - * * * * * - -CRYPTOGRAMMATIST WANTED.--After a plain matter-of-fact paragraph in the -_Daily Telegraph_, stating that "Lord GREVILLE leaves town to-day for -Harrogate" (to undergo the "tonic sul-phur" cure, of course, _i.e._, of -water-course), there appeared this mysterious announcement, "Lord ROWTON -_leaves London to-day for some weeks._" Now where is "some weeks"? Of -course as his Lordship has quitted town for "some weeks," he evidently -prefers "some weeks," wherever it is, to London. And that is all we know -at present. Strange disappearance. Weird. - - *** - -THE COSTER KNIGHT.--There are pictures on almost all the hoardings, in -the suburbs especially, of the celebrated Mr. ALBERT CHEVALIER. This -chevalier "_sans peur et sans reproche_" is so busy a man that in the -best sense of the term he may well be considered as _the_ type of an -honest "_Chevalier d'Industrie_." - - *** - -QUERY.--"The Lancashire Rubber Company"--is this something new in the -way of Massage? or is it a Company got up for the express purpose of -supplying Society with Whist-players? - - *** - -THE LATEST MADE OF HONOUR AT RICHMOND.--SIR JAMES W. SZLUMPER, Knight. - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume -107, August 11, 1894, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** - -***** This file should be named 42546-8.txt or 42546-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/2/5/4/42546/ - -Produced by Paul Marshall, Malcolm Farmer and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 107, August 11, 1894 - -Author: Various - -Release Date: April 15, 2013 [EBook #42546] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** - - - - -Produced by Paul Marshall, Malcolm Farmer and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - -</pre> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 42546 ***</div> <h1>PUNCH,<br /> OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> @@ -108,7 +72,7 @@ of wool-bearers whom the double-rowed desiring mouth soon shall grip, food for mamma-wolf and baby-wolf, papa-wolf looking on, licking chaps expectant of what shall remain; and up goes the clamour of flocks over the country-side, and -up goes howling of shepherds shamefully tricked by Æsop-fable +up goes howling of shepherds shamefully tricked by Æsop-fable artifice or doggish dereliction of primary duty; for a watch has been set through which the wolf-enemy broke paws on the prowl; and the King feels this, and the Government, @@ -1415,381 +1379,6 @@ the express purpose of supplying Society with Whist-players?</p> <span class="smcap">Sir James W. Szlumper</span>, Knight.</p> <p> </p> - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume -107, August 11, 1894, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** - -***** This file should be named 42546-h.htm or 42546-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/2/5/4/42546/ - -Produced by Paul Marshall, Malcolm Farmer and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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