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@@ -1,37 +1,4 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, January -5th, 1895, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, January 5th, 1895 - -Author: Various - -Editor: Sir Francis Burnand - -Release Date: April 7, 2013 [EBook #42477] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, JANUARY 5TH, 1895 *** - - - - -Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 42477 *** PUNCH VOL CVIII @@ -1079,7 +1046,7 @@ accosters how small a chamber you occupy, and how hard at work you have to be at all hours of the day and night. Failing a meeting in Parliament, you can receive them in the Department itself. In this case contrive, if possible, to see them in official uniform. Chat with -them after you have been to a _levee_, or Cabinet, or something of +them after you have been to a _levée_, or Cabinet, or something of that sort. It gives you a distinct advantage if you can overawe them with the glories of a well-feathered cocked-hat, and many yards (chiefly on the back of your coat) of gold lace. @@ -1262,7 +1229,7 @@ So the bells will ring for _Whittington_ for a long time to come. And where the belles are there will be found the beaux. To continue the association of ideas, the shot of Sir AUGUSTUS has ended in a hit. It does not take a prophet to predict that _Dick_ will not only be the -centre of numberless _matinees_, but the hero of at least a hundred +centre of numberless _matinées_, but the hero of at least a hundred nights. _Dick_ will listen to his bells until Easter changes the music. @@ -1329,364 +1296,4 @@ occupy,..." 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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, January 5th, 1895 - -Author: Various - -Editor: Sir Francis Burnand - -Release Date: April 7, 2013 [EBook #42477] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, JANUARY 5TH, 1895 *** - - - - -Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - -PUNCH VOL CVIII - -[Illustration: The Double Event. 1894.--1895.] - - LONDON. - - PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, - - AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS - - 1895. - - * * * * * - - LONDON: - BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS. - - * * * * * - -PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. - -VOL. 108. - -JUNE 29, 1895. - - * * * * * - - -[Illustration: _A Midsummer Day-dream, and its waking Sequel._] - -It was the luncheon-hour at Lord's. Likewise it was exceeding hot, and -Mr. PUNCH, after an exciting morning's cricket, was endeavouring to -cool himself with an iced tankard, a puggreed "straw," and a fragrant -whiff. - -"Willow the King!" piped Mr. PUNCH, pensively. "Quite so! A merrier -monarch than the Second CHARLES is WILLIAM (GILBERT) the very First! -And no one kicks at King Willow, even in these democratic days. The -verdant, smooth-shaven lawn, when wickets are pitched, is your very -best 'leveller'--in one sense, though, in another, what stylish -RICHARD DAFT calls 'Kings of Cricket' ('by merit raised to that _good_ -eminence'), receive the crowd's loyal and most enthusiastic homage. -But, by Jove, the Harrow boys will want a new version of their -favourite cricket song, if prodigy be piled on prodigy, like Pelion -on Ossa, in the fashion to which the Doctor during the first month of -Summer in this year of Grace has accustomed us." - -"The 'Doctor's' throne has never been disputed by anyone outside -Bedlam," said a strong and sonorous voice. - -Mr. PUNCH looked up, and perceived before him a stalwart six-footer in -flannels, broad-belted at the equator, and wearing broad-brim'd silken -stove-pipe. - -"ALFRED MYNN, quoting 'the Old Buffer,' or I'm a Dutchman," said the -omniscient and ever-ready one. - - "'And, whatever fame and glory these and other bats may win, - Still the monarch of hard hitters, to my mind, was ALFRED MYNN; - With his tall and stately presence, with his nobly-moulded form, - His broad hand was ever open, his brave heart was ever warm'-- - -as PROWSE sang pleasantly." - -The Kentish Titan blushed--if Shades can with modesty suffuse. "You -know _everything_, of course, Mr. PUNCH," said he; "and therefore you -know that the object of my visit is _not_ to have my praises sung even -by you or the Poet PROWSE, but to back up that National Testimonial to -_the_ Cricketer of the century--and the 'centuries'--of which I'm -glad to hear whispers in the Elysian Fields, where--alas!--we do _not_ -pitch the stumps or chase the flying 'leathery duke' of Harrow song." - -"Well, it's a far cry from Hambledon to Downend," quoth Mr. PUNCH, -pensively; "but even the gods of 'the Hambledon Pantheon,' as -picturesque JOHN NYREN called them, might have admitted the Downend -Doctor as their Jove. Or, adopting his other figure, have made him the -King ARTHUR of their Round Table, _vice_ old RICHARD NYREN retired." - -"I see you read what is worth reading," responded the Kentish Big 'Un. -"DICK NYREN'S style was as sound and honest and brisk as the English -ale he lauded,--'barleycorn, such as would put the soul of three -butchers into one weaver.' But the great Gloucestershire gentleman is -worthy to bend the bow of Ulysses." - -"Or to wear the pads of ALFRED MYNN, which, I believe, were presented -to him," said Mr. PUNCH, cordially. - -"Ah! There is another and a bigger Presentation afoot, I understand, -thanks largely to a truly Gracious Prince," returned "the monarch -of hard hitters." "A knighthood? Well, that's as it may be! Quite -deserved indeed; but a 'King' hardly needs the addition of the lesser -honour, and indeed W. G. won his spurs on the tented field years and -years agone. But a National Testimonial! Faith, the Briton who grudges -a subscription to _that_ doesn't deserve to see a sixer run out, or -drink a flagon of genuine Boniface at the 'Bat and Ball' on Broad -Halfpenny. Only wish we old willow-wielders in the Elysian Fields -could contribute each our obolus. By Castor and Pollux, here he -comes!" - -Broad, bronzed, black-bearded, bear-pawed, bell-mouthed, beaming, in -loose-cut flannels and M. C. C. cap, the redoubtable Doctor entered. -'Twas a sight to see those two six-foot-odders shake hands! And to -hear the talk of the Cricket Heroes of two generations---- - - * * * * * - -"Hillo, Mr. PUNCH! Wake up, old man! Match over!" - -It was the veritable voice of the Gloucester Giant. But where was -the Pride of Kent? He came like a shadow in summer slumber, and so -departed. But WILLIAM GILBERT was at least satisfactorily solid. - -"Where are the Bats of yester year?" murmured the drowsy Sage. - -"Oh, still scoring--some of 'em," said the practical smiter, -cheerfully. "Keeping up a fair average, too." - -"What is yours just now, Doctor?" - -"Oh, ask DRUCE! _His_ tops it, I believe--for the present." - -"Ah, well! But the Century of Centuries, the Thousand of Merry May, -the suggested knighthood, the coming National Testimonial, H. R. H.'s -letter----" - -"I never saw a nicer letter, and I hope to see as good wherever I go," -interrupted the modest and taciturn giant, with a grin reminiscent -of _Wickets in the West_ and "the rapt oration flowing free," in a -fourfold iteration of a single sentence. - -"Better _before_ the stump than _on_ it, eh, WILLIAM?" smiled the -Sage, who had read his rollicking R. A. FITZGERALD, and understood -W. G.'s allusion. "Unlike the _other_ W. G., at present out in the -Baltic." - -"Ah, _he_ could give the bowling beans, in his own way, which -certainly isn't mine," said the Man of Many Centuries. - -"What a season!" exclaimed Mr. PUNCH, preparing to puff. - - "Centuries to right of us, | "Centuries all round us, - Centuries to left of us, | Volley and thunder! - -MYNN was here just now--in my vision. Wish you could have met him, as -I dreamed you did! _Par nobile fratrum!_ But even _he_ never hit -his hundred hundreds, though he played up to the age of fifty. Well, -WILLIAM mine, you've topped the toppers and cut all records. May the -National Testimonial do likewise. Wish you a sovereign reward for -every good hit with which you've pleased the populace--a '_quid_' for -every _quo_. And, to prove the sincerity of my love and admiration for -the greatest Cricketer of all time, I propose, my dear (prospective) -Sir WILLIAM GILBERT GRACE, K.G. (Knight of _the_ Game), to head that -same National Testimonial with a contribution outshining and out -summing all others, to wit my - - =One Hundred and Eighth Volume!=" - -[Illustration] - - - - - * * * * * - -PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. - -VOL. 108, JANUARY 5, 1895. - -_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: Vol. CVIII] - - * * * * * - - - - -MR. PUNCH WELCOMES THE NEW YEAR. - - So, 'Ninety-Five, my boy, you've come at last! - Another year has gone, and I am here - To greet you, as your brothers in the past - Were greeted on their coming, year by year; - For it's always been my practice, Sir--a bit of _Punch's_ lore-- - Since the day that I was volumed, until now I'm fifty-four - - Aye, fifty-three New Years I've welcomed. This - I pray to Heaven in its arms may bear - A whole New Yearful of a nation's bliss-- - A world without a tear, without a care. - 'Tis thus that I have prayed, young Sir, full many years before; - But to know how oft I've prayed in vain, would make your young heart sore. - - The Year that's dead was better, sure, than some; - But even he brought with him strikes and war, - Whose ghastly horrors smote the soft heart numb - And wrung and chilled it to the very core. - 'Twas a villainous attention, this suffering and gore, - That we'd rather have dispensed with, from your brother 'Ninety-Four - - But even he, my lad, a jest could work, - And on occasion smile, and nod, and beck; - To England gave--a rising Son of York, - And gave to Ireland--Mr. GLADSTONE'S cheque! - Thus tickling Mr. BULL from smiles and laughter to a roar. - But hearty laughs like these, my friend, were few in 'Ninety-Four. - - And you, young shaver, what is it you bring? - Razor and soap, like shavers young and old-- - The soap to soothe, razor to cut and sting?-- - Will wedding-bell be heard, and death-knell toll'd? - You see, my lad, we're anxious as to what you have in store, - For there's still some things to put to rights bequeathed by Ninety-Four. - - In Parliament, no doubt, you'll make your game-- - In Camp, and Court, and County Council, too? - Make sport of love--make foul an honoured name-- - And all the little fun you're wont to do? - Well--take my tip. Just do your level best, remember! For - The blame, my son, lies at your own, not _Mr. Punch's_ door. - - So mind, young Sir, for _Mr. Punch's_ eye - Is cocked upon you through your little life. - Go--rule the world!--and if before you die - You fill the earth with joy instead of strife, - You'll be the first of all your race--for all the smiles they wore-- - That gave the country what she asked--from 0 to '94! - - * * * * * - -PROTEST FROM THE PLAYGROUND. - -Dear MR. PUNCH,--I know you sympathise with boys, and isn't it a jolly -shame the masters set us such awfully hard questions in exams.? My -Report has just come home, and my Pater has given me a fearful rowing, -and all because it says "WILKINS Terts. (that's me) has done badly in -Examinations, and does not take the trouble to use what intelligence -he possesses." My Pater threatens not to take me to the Pantymime, -and I hear it's awfully beefy this year! Well, we had a "History and -General Knowledge" paper, and one of the questions was this beastly -one, and of course I couldn't tackle it--"What, or where, are the -following:--'Imperium in Imperio, The Korea, Bimetallism, The Grand -Llama, Balance of Power, and One Man One Vote?'" I answered all right -about the Korea, because I kicked young SMITH under the table to -give me a tip about it, and he said it was the book the Turks use -in church; and I put that down, but all the other things floored me. -Please will you say what Bimetallism is? JONES Junior said afterwards, -in the playground, that it was a sort of lozenge, and ROBINSON -Senior said he didn't know what it was, but he knew his Pater was -a Bimetallist; and JONES said ROBINSON Senior's Pater must be a -confectioner then; and so ROBINSON punched JONES'S head; but what _is_ -it? And is it fair to ask us boys such questions? My Pater said at -breakfast the School Board was fond of sending out sirkulers. Do you -think they would send one to our Head-master, and ask him to stop such -rot? - - Your obedient young friend - - JACKY. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: SPORT IN COURT. - -["The Anti-Gambling League has decided to take proceedings against the -Jockey Club.... In the view of the League every member of the Jockey -Club is equally open to indictment."--_Morning Post._]] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A VIEW HALLOO. - -(_Hounds at fault._) - -_Whip_ (_bustling up to Young Hodge, who has just begun to wave his -cap and sing out lustily_). "NOW THEN, WHERE IS HE?" - -_Young H._ "YONDER, SIR! ACOMIN' ACROSS YONDER!" - -_Whip._ "GET OUT, WHY THERE AIN'T NO FOX THERE, STOOPID!" - -_Young H._ "NO, SIR; BUT THERE BE OUR BILLY ON T' JACKASS!"] - - * * * * * - -SPORT IN COURT; - - _Or, The New Year Dream of the National Anti-Gambling - Leaguer._ - - Oh! it must have been the grog, for I slumbered like a log, - And I dreamed--_such_ a dream! I was holding forth in court, - And the prisoners in the dock,--how the Sporting League 'twould shock!-- - Were the Princes, and the Nobles, and the Leading Lights of Sport. - A supreme, successful raid on the Jockey Club we'd made. - No mere stuffy, sordid set, of poor betting-men _this_ time, - No cheap winner-spotting snobs, but a lot of topping nobs, - And I had them on the hip, and I charged the lot with Crime! - It was prime to see a Prince at my language flush and wince, - And a Lord Chief Justice squirm, and a stern-faced Judge quite blench. - _But_--I could not fail to mark the demeanour of the Clerk, - Who looked on it _as a lark!_--and that Beak upon the bench-- - Ah! he had a mighty "beak," which I felt a wish to tweak-- - Had a wink in his left eye which seemed frivolous, if funny; - And he didn't seem to suit us, for we wished a stern-faced BRUTUS; - Nay, a ruthless RHADAMANTHUS were the big-wig for _my_ money. - Ah! it wanted resolution to conduct that prosecution, - With a Prince and several Dooks, and an Earl, a County Squire, - And a Mephistopheles, who sat lounging at his ease, - Whom the culprits all called "JIMMY," and seemed hugely to admire; - For although I ramped and raved, Beak and Prisoners behaved - In a fashion which seemed scornful, and assuredly was light; - And that Clerk--confound his mug, which looked strangely like a pug!-- - And the chap for the defence, with his eyes so brisk and bright, - They seemed all upon the grin, or almost, which was a sin, - And I'm sure I heard a Dook whisper in a Judge's ear, - "_Don't old Mulberry Nose look funny? I will bet you any money_----!--" - Well, I missed the wager's point; but oh, dear! oh dear!! _oh_ dear!!! - Think of betting--in a Court! And I thundered against Sport, - Which meant Gambling, more or less, and red ruin, and disgrace. - From the girls who, though they're loves, wager wickedly--in gloves, - To the Plunger Peer who shames his ancient race--to win a Race. - Ah! I think I "gave them beans." I'm uncertain what that means, - But the Lord Chief Justice whispered I was doing so--to "JIM"-- - And the phrase I overhead, and although it sounds absurd, - I felt it meant a compliment to me, compelled from him. - So I said "Sport may intrigue and set up a rival League - To our holy Anti-Gambling One; but Sport is a Foul Sink - We have pledged ourselves to purge with a besom and a scourge----" - But here that Punchian eye indulged in a prodigious wink, - Such a spasm of sheer fun, that I felt the case was done; - Court, Prisoners, Judge, assumed the guise of a colossal Joke! - My head appeared to swim, the wild vision did dislimn, - And with a shriek of bitter disappointment I--awoke! - - * * * * * - -"ANGLO-INDIAN."--We are indisposed to go the full length of agreement -with the learned Editors of the _New English Dictionary_ in their -study of the derivation of the objectionable word "damn." In the -interesting extract you inclose they remark: "The conjecture that the -word is the Hindi _d[=a]m_, _dawm_, an ancient copper coin, of which -1,600 went to a rupee (see YULE), is ingenious, but has no basis in -fact." That may be so. It is, nevertheless, a curious coincidence that -at the present time the steady declension of the money value of -the rupee, combined with its immoveable rating in the salary list, -produces in the Civil Service and the army in India a state of feeling -subject to which at least 1,600 dams go to a rupee. We much fear that, -under this provocation, our army in India is able to compete with -regiments earlier enrolled, who, you will remember, "swore terribly in -Flanders." - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: COMBINATION COSTUMES FOR COVENT GARDEN. - -"THE TWENTY-FIRST OF DECEMBER!" - -"WHAT NONSENSE YOU DO TALK. HOW DO YOU MAKE THAT OUT?" - -"WHY, ANY FOOL COULD SEE THAT. THE SHORTEST DEY AND THE LONGEST -KNIGHT, OF COURSE!"] - - * * * * * - -NEW YEAR NOTIONS. - -(_By an Old Buffer._) - - "There is nothing new under the sun," someone says; - I wish that there _wasn't_, by Jingo! - It seems to me _everything_'s New in these days, - And nothing is genuine old stingo. - A New Poet turns up about once a week - (According to log-rolling rumour); - And there's the New Politics, all grab and sneak; - And something dull dubbed the New Humour! - The New Art; I'm certain _it_ comes from Old Nick, - It's so diabolic and dirty. - Faith! some of their Novelties make me feel sick, - And most of them make me feel "shirty." - The New Year!--well, that is as old as the hills. - The New Leaf--we annually turn it. - Ah! if the New Newness would banish Old Ills. - Not e'en an Old Fogey would spurn it. - New Year, give us books that are healthy and gay, - And Art that's not impish or queer, Sir! - And _if_ you'll but cart the _New Woman_ away, - You _will_ be a Happy New Year, Sir! - - * * * * * - -THE MODERN THEATRE LAUGH. - -Dear MR. PUNCH,--I crave the hospitality of your columns under the -following circumstances. The other night I went to a burlesque. Being -a man of modest means, I contented myself with paying half-a-crown, -for which sum I was able not only to sit with the plebs in the pit, -but to see Society in the stalls. - -Will it be believed, at the end of this so-called nineteenth century, -that songs were sung and things were said which made those everywhere -around me _laugh?_ Sadder still, two-thirds of those I saw were -women!--women, who are our mothers and sisters, when they are not our -wives and sweethearts! - -I haven't the least notion where the harm in all this comes in, but -I'm confident there's some somewhere. In any event it's a serious sign -of the times; which reminds me that I should have sent this to the -_Times_, if I had not thought the recent Society-play correspondence -sufficient for one season. I'm so afraid the dear old _Thunderer_ will -drop the telegraphic news and take to _Telegraphic_ Correspondence. - -In any case, I invite letters on "The Seriousness of Laughter." - - Yours distressedly, - - A DI-TRI-SYLLABIC PITTITE. - - [No letters on this subject will be inserted.--ED.] - - * * * * * - -NEW YEAR. - - "Ring out, wild bells." We hope that you, - With '94 that's rung out, - Will kindly ring out just a few - Of all those things entitled "new" - Which plagued us till quite mad we grew - As mad as dog with tongue out. - - Those novelties! The newest kind-- - With turned up nose and weird, slee- - -py eyes, that told of vacant mind, - And monstrous chignon massed behind-- - Were those appalling things designed - By Mr. AUBREY BEARDSLEY. - - Yes, "things"; for nought of human shape, - However strangely bizarre, - Is there portrayed; there's not an ape, - That feeds on cocoa-nut or grape, - Between Morocco and the Cape, - So hideous as these are. - - For goodness' sake, don't let us see - New Art which courts disaster! - We much prefer to Mr. B. - VELASQUEZ, REMBRANDT, even P. - P. RUBENS or VANDYKE, for we - Like oldness in a master. - - And then "New Humour." Heavens, why - It's but a pleasure killer! - A cause of weary yawn and sigh, - Which makes us almost long to fly - To those old jokes collected by - A certain Mr. MILLER. - - In politics Newcastle, too, - With programme was prophetic; - And now Leeds leads, and shows who's who. - The Grand Old Man--there's age for you!-- - Has found much better things to do, - Not prosy but poetic. - - But all the things, so new in time, - Are nothing to the woman, - Who now is "new," and seeks to climb - To heights which seem to her sublime; - (Excuse the execrable rhyme) - She is indeed a rum 'un. - - Of course we know that youth is sweet; - Old women are not charming; - But no old woman we could meet, - With featless form and formless feet, - This wild New Woman now could beat, - She's perfectly alarming. - - Ring out, wild bells, wild belles like these - New-fangled fancies screaming; - Ring in the woman bound to please, - A lady, always at her ease, - Not manlike woman, by degrees - More man that woman seeming. - - Old '94, who now has fled, - Encouraged blatant boldness - In things called "new," as we have said; - New '95, now he is dead, - Might bring some things which are instead - Remarkable for oldness. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A VITAL QUESTION. - -(_Asked at a Penny Reading._) - - "Who will stand on either hand, - And keep the bridge with me?"] - - * * * * * - -"SHOULD CHRISTMAS BE ABOLISHED?" - - [A symposium on the above question appears in the December - Number of _The Idler_.] - - With what philosophy sublime - The institutions are discussed, - Which foolish men of olden time - Were well content to take on trust! - "Is life one great mistake?" we cry, - "Our modern teachers deem it so;" - "Man's place shall woman occupy?" - And now this last--"Shall Christmas go?" - - They mock at any plea for mirth, - With fine derision they allude - To any wish for peace on earth - As just a pulpit platitude; - This Christmas-time, it seems, is fraught - With fancies anything but clever; - The lessons that CHARLES DICKENS taught - Are obsolete, and gone for ever! - - They tell us, in their stead, to praise - The jokes on seasonable ills, - The epigrams on quarter-days, - The _jeux d'esprit_ on mud and bills; - But as for honest glee and cheer, - Since every cause for joy's demolished, - Why, Christmas, too, it's amply clear, - Should be left out--in fact, "abolished." - - Well, let them talk; to please themselves - By all means let them demonstrate - That fairies, Santa Claus, and elves - Are manifestly out-of-date. - Well, let them talk; and find a joy - In cynical philosophy, - But every English girl and boy - Will give their empty words the lie! - - Nor only these: In every land - When Christmas brings, to brighten life, - The sturdy grip of hand with hand, - The softened heart, the ended strife,-- - Then air your pessimistic views, - Then ask again, "Shall Christmas go?" - And find your answer, if you choose, - In one emphatic, hearty--"NO!" - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "LOOK WHAT I'VE BOUGHT YOU FOR A CHRISTMAS BOX!"] - - * * * * * - -THE CHRONICLES OF A RURAL PARISH. - -VIII.--AFTER THE POLL. - -I am overwhelmed with congratulations, from all classes, from all -sections, from all ranks, and I am acclaimed on all hands as a worthy -head man for a Mudford, if not yet a model, village. Not the least -welcome have been the communications which have reached me from those -who have made my acquaintance in these published Chronicles. The mayor -of a borough whose charter dates well back into the beginning of the -second half of the present century, wrote to say that he is emboldened -by the fact that his wife's maiden name commenced with a W to write to -tell me how rejoiced he is to hear of my success. A gentleman writes -from "The Burning Plains of the Sahara" to say that he is always proud -of the triumphs of a TIMOTHY. (My daughter points out that this is -clearly a forgery, since the Sahara mail isn't in till next week. -But I can't go into that.) Then there is a very important letter from -Birmingham, of which I will only say that WINKINS, who has backed many -a Bill, may yet live to indorse a Programme. I may here add that there -has been an attempt in some quarters to decry these Chronicles as -absurd and imaginary. My Birmingham correspondent describes them as -"an important picture of things as they actually are." He is right. I -am as serious as a Prime Minister. - -My wife is back--which reminds me that I received a post-card, which -his had the effect usually produced by a bomb. Here is what was on -it:-- - -AFTER THE POLL. - - After the poll is over, - After the voting's done, - Mudford will be much duller, - No more election fun. - But ONE man will be more happy, - Not so disturbed in his soul (?), - WINKINS'S wife is come back now-- - After the Poll! - -Of course, I should have destroyed the card at once--but I was out -when it came, and MARIA read it first! What happened was a good -instance of the monstrous way in which one man's sin is another man's -punishment. In this case (1) it was my wife who had persisted in -going away, and (2) it was an unknown post-cardist who had written the -insulting doggerel. Yet I paid the entire penalty. - -The great puzzle--who is the seventh councillor?--is still unsolved. -All that has happened so far is that Mrs. LETHAM HAVITT and Mrs. ARBLE -MARCH are no longer on speaking terms. It has leaked out that Mrs. -MARCH had more plumpers than Mrs. HAVITT, whereupon ructions--as -JACKY, who has just come home for the Christmas holidays says. I think -he's quite right. - -Our Parish Council meets next Monday--on the 7th. With the New Year we -commence our reign of beneficent activity. I need hardly say that it -is certain that I am to be Chairman. My position on the poll suggests -it, common decency demands it, moreover I expect it. I refuse to -believe that I shall be disappointed. - - * * * * * - -A GLAD NEW YEAR. - - _A Reflecting Roundel._ - - "A Glad New Year!" Why, bless my heart, how fast - The time flies by! The year's no sooner here - Than it is gone and numbered with the past-- - A Glad New Year! - - For some the sun shines bright, the sky is clear, - No threatening clouds o'erhead exist to cast - A single shadow. Yet, ah me, how drear - The sad estate in which some lives are passed! - The day when none are sad may not be near, - But then--and not till then--there'll be at last - A Glad New Year! - - * * * * * - -UP-TO-DATE VERSION FOR MATURE VIRGINS AND PREMATURELY GRIZZLED WORKING -MEN.--They whom the gods _don't_ love, _dye_ young! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE PROBLEM PLAY. - -_New Woman_ (_with the hat_). "NO! _MY_ PRINCIPLE IS SIMPLY _THIS_--IF -THERE'S A _DEMAND_ FOR THESE PLAYS, IT MUST BE _SUPPLIED!_" - -_Woman not New_ (_with the bonnet_). "PRECISELY! JUST AS WITH THE -BULL-FIGHTS IN SPAIN!" - - [_Scores._ -] - - * * * * * - -THE OLD FERRYMAN'S NEW FARE. - -AIR--"_Twickenham Ferry._" - - O-hoi-ye-ho! Ho-ye-ho! Who's for the ferry? - (_The moon sails on high, and the snow's coming down_,) - A light gleams afar, and the church chimes are merry, - Their message goes pealing o'er country and town. - The ferryman's grey, and the ferryman's old; - But the passenger's young, and the passenger's bold; - And he's fresh as a pippin, and brown as a berry, - He laughs at the night, and he heeds not the cold. - O-hoi-ye-ho, Ho-ye-ho, Ho-ye-ho-Ho! - - O-hoi-ye-ho, Ho-ye-ho! "I'm for the ferry!" - (_The moon rides on high, and the snow's coming down_,) - "Sure it's late that it is, but I care not a penny; - I'll brave the rough river and winter's grim frown." - He'd his hands in his pockets, and oh! he looked brave - As the toughtest old tar who e'er ventured the wave. - With his cheeks like a rose, and his lips like a cherry, - "Ah! sure, and you're welcome! _Your_ presence _all_ crave!" - O-hoi-ye-ho, Ho-ye-ho, Ho-ye-ho-Ho! - - O-hoi-ye-ho, Ho! One flits slow from the ferry, - (_The moon rides on high, and the snow's coming down_,) - With shadowy form, and with footfall unsteady; - You'd think 'twas a ghost at the dawn-signal flown. - The ferryman turns on the phantom a glance, - But the eyes of the youngster there glitter and dance, - And with youth like a star in the stern of the wherry - There is but one watchword for Time,--tis "Advance!" - O-hoi-ye-ho, Ho-ye-ho, Ho-ye-ho-Ho! - - O-hoi-ye-ho, Ho-ye-ho! Old is that ferry, - (_The moon rides on high, and the snow's drifting down_,) - Still, older that steersman, though stalwart and steady, - And many a journey and fare hath he known. - For the Ferryman's Time, and his fares are the Years, - And they greet him with smiles, and oft leave him in tears, - And the youth who to-night takes his seat in that wherry, - Knows not how 'tis freighted with hopes and with fears. - O-hoi-ye-ho, Ho-ye-ho, Ho-ye-ho-Ho! - - O-hoi-ye-ho-Ho! 'NINETY-FIVE tries the ferry, - (_The moon rides on high, and the snow silvers down_,) - There's a smile on his lips, and his laughter is merry; - Right little he bodeth of Fortune's dark frown. - But the Ferryman's old, and the Ferryman knows - That River of Years, with its joys and its woes; - But we'll wish the young fare a snug seat in Time's wherry, - And sun on his way, though he starts 'midst the snows. - O-hoi-ye-ho, Ho-ye-ho, Ho-ye-ho-Ho!! - - * * * * * - -THE WINTER ACADEMY OF 1995. - -(_An Elegant Extract from a Future Development._) - -The Committee this year has wisely been recruited from the Master Bill -Posters' Guild; the old-fashioned method of "hanging" is abandoned, -and advertisements are now "stuck" on the walls by the New "B" -Gum Process (for which Sir J. MILLBOARD contributes a charming -illustration No. 20,000). During a preliminary survey, we were -astonished by the blatant excellence of the exhibition. "_A Bicycle -Made for Five_," by Mr. LOWTHER R. CADE (No. 2006), is especially -delicate and sudden; the tone is aluminium throughout, and although no -children are represented as bodily on the machine, a Kineto-Phonograph -inserted in the axle dexterously responds to a penny in the slot--when -the youthful athletes are both seen and _heard_ in the adjacent -horse-pond. "_Gregory the Grateful_" (No. 612) fully sustains Dr. -UTTERSON'S reputation for historical advertisement; by pressing a -spring the Pope actually swallows the powder, and seems to like it. -It is quite equal to this Master's "_Columbus in Wall Street_" of -last year. Mr. G. MORLAND'S "_Carter's Pill-gathering in the Old Kent -Road_" (No. 69) is too realistic for modern taste; the fine oaks in -the background are absolutely hidden by placards; but Lord BOXALL'S -"_While there is Life there is Soap_" (No. 15,000z) is truly -impressionist; the life is full of soap, and the soap full of life. In -"_Glycerine_" (unnumbered), by Miss TOPSY TURVY (the Presidentess), -we have a fine example of "_The Newer Symbolism_,"--a patent revolving -motor displays its liquidity to equal advantage upside down. - -Altogether the show is calculated to promote business--which is -the true end of Art; it also opens out infinite possibilities for -house-decoration. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE NEW PASSENGER.] - - * * * * * - -AN "OLD MASTER'S" GROWL. - -_Burlington House, January 1, 1895._ - - It's all very pretty to hang us up here, - And pretend that you worship our genius and paint; - You fancy it's "Cultchah" that rings in the year-- - But it ain't! - - You find us, you say, "a delight to the eye;" - You exclaim that "such painting you never did see!" - You "do" us--then scamper below with the cry-- - "Cup o' tea!" - - "Old Masters," indeed! It's "Young Students" with you-- - To their show in your thousands you flock in the spring; - But of Me you exclaim, as you come in my view-- - "What a thing!" - - Just six months ago in these rooms you'd declare - It was "exquisite Art" that you saw; you forgot - That you'd said that of us. Bah! What do you care? - Not a jot! - - Of course, there are some who are men of the day, - Who belong to the band of the talented few; - Right gladly we put forth our hand, as we say-- - "How de do?" - - For example, young RAPHAEL--my excellent friend-- - And the later Italians and Germans as well, - They consider Sir FREDERIC LEIGHTON no end - Of a swell. - - Then REYNOLDS declared, in the course of a chat, - The "_Cherry Ripe_" picture of MILLAIS to be - As good as "_Penelope Boothby_." What's that? - "_So does he?_" - - VAN DE VELDE asserts he knows less of a wave, - It's colour and drawing, than MOORE at his best.-- - But when of your COLES and your HUNTERS you rave, - I protest! - - Talk of TITIAN and WATTS in a breath--which you may; - Young GILBERT and SWAN you may praise if you will; - But the thought of the annual summer display - Makes me ill! - - Yet that's what the mass of the people enjoyed. - And the few who come here, both the great and the small, - Mostly come to be seen. What--you think I'm annoyed? - Not at all! - - We expect it.--I said just as much to VANDYCK-- - There's but one in a hundred that comes who'll descry - The beauty of Art. It's the sham I dislike. - Well--good-bye! - -[Illustration] - - * * * * * - -HOW TO WRITE AN EXTRA NUMBER. - -(_An Up-to-date fragment for Yuletide._) - -The author was hard at work. He heeded not the snow that beat against -the window, nor the wintry wind that whistled through the leafless -trees. The fire burned brightly in the grate, and the shadows on the -walls seemed to inspire him with seasonable tales. He wrote for -dear life, as his copy was late, and he knew that the printers were -clamouring for more and more from his facile pen. Every now and again -he glanced at a volume of drawings (there were many sketches in the -book on his desk), and, pausing for a moment, seemed to be lost in -thought. Then he would resume his labours with fresh energy. Very -rarely he would murmur to himself, and then his words would be few. - -[Illustration] - -"Confusion!" he muttered on one such occasion; "how the Dickens (or -should it be Thackeray?) am I to get in the Christmas waits?" He -pondered for a moment, and then his eyes glistened with delight. -"Eureka! I have it! They must appear in a dream. Yes, that will get -over the difficulty, they must appear in a dream!" - -And then he continued his writing. During the whole day he had been -hard at work. His breakfast was scarcely touched. He waved away the -servant girl who would have set before him his lunch. It was now close -upon his customary dinner hour, but still he insisted upon isolation. -Even the wife of his devotion did not dare to come near him. She knew -that he would not speak to her, but only cast at her a glance. But -such a glance! A terrible tirade compressed into a solitary look! - -The short day waned and passed away. The evening quickly changed into -night. There were cheery songs without, as it was Christmas Eve, when -all men were thinking of wassail, and holly and mistletoe. Even the -performers in the forthcoming pantomime were nearing the close of -their last rehearsal, when they would go back to their homes to count -the mince pies and glance for the last time at the cooking of the -familiar plum pudding. - -At length the writer was interrupted, and by his old familiar friend. - -"I will not disturb you," said the caller, taking up a newspaper and -commencing its perusal; "I know how busy you are, and will be silent -as Cornhill on a Sunday." - -[Illustration] - -The writer nodded and continued his work. His pen moved quicker and -quicker until at length it stopped. - -"Hurrah!" shouted the author. "At last my task is completed. I have -brought in every cut and got through the necessary number of lines. -Yes, my dear old comrade, I have done. The printer will be satisfied, -and the publisher will cease to be alarmed. And now, my dear fellow, -I can enjoy Christmas conscious of the fact that I have thoroughly -earned a holiday." - -"Ah!" observed the visitor glancing at the recently-written pages; "I -see you have been writing something for Yuletide." - -"Yuletide!" exclaimed the author. "Why, that was accomplished ages -ago. No, my dear fellow, I have just finished a summer number timed to -appear in August. I shan't think of touching the work of next year's -Christmas until April!" - - * * * * * - -"YOU CAME TO TEA." - - In spite of Fate invincible, - Of lack of wit, and lack of gold, - Of pictures that too cheaply sell, - Or pictures never sold, - Oh, yet, when I am old and grey, - If old and grey I live to be, - I shall recall one happy day, - The day you came to tea! - - You came. Of course I am aware - You did not, could not, come alone. - You were between the millionaire - And a stout chaperon. - My work they called to criticise, - But what they said I do not know, - For gleams of laughter in your eyes - That seemed to come and go. - - The hurrying moments how I rued! - There flashed a scheme into my brain. - With unexpected tea, I would - My visitors detain. - The ever-willing household slave - Into my service I impressed; - To her my tea, my gold I gave, - She vowed to do the rest. - - That tea was strong, for all my hoard, - Some half a pound, two shilling tea, - Into the teapot had been poured-- - Only the milk--ah me! - So pallid, comfortless a stream, - Into your cup I saw it glide. - For a true jug of country cream - I felt I would have died! - - But with the cake I was content, - Its richness no one could mistake, - For my whole store the slave had spent - On a superior cake. - 'Twas all in layers, almonded, - And crowned with white and rosy ice: - "What a delightful cake!" you said; - "But, please, a smaller slice!" - - I flushed and stammered. I suspect - A pound I'd cut you unaware. - On what I did could I reflect - When you were sitting there? - That revel, ah, how soon 'twas o'er! - How swiftly came the moment when - After my guests I shut the door, - I mounted to my den. - - Then down I sat beside the wall, - And, feeling doubtful and amazed, - I strove your accent to recall - As at your chair I gazed. - I heard your soft laugh echo through - The dingy room grown dear to me, - Where now was silence; and I knew - That you had been to tea! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE SHAKSPEARE LESSON. - -_Holiday Tutor_ (_quoting_)-- - - "'LETTING I DARE NOT WAIT UPON I WOULD, - LIKE THE POOR CAT IN THE ADAGE.' - - NOW, GEORGE, WHAT IS AN ADAGE?" - -_George._ "A PLACE TO KEEP CATS IN!"] - - * * * * * - -THE POLITE GUIDE TO THE CIVIL SERVICE. - - (_By an Affable Philosopher and Courteous Guide._) - -HOW TO RECEIVE A DEPUTATION. - -It does not take very long to make yourself quite at home as Secretary -of the Public Squander Department--the office I will suppose you to -be filling. You will find everything ready to your hand. All you will -have to remember is this--the golden rule of the Service--that what -was done last year, should be followed this, and arranged for next. -Ministries may come and Cabinets may go, but the P. S. D. continues -for ever. The policy of the office must never be disturbed. If it has -been the custom (say) to put orange-trees in the open spaces under -the control of the Department out to bloom in February, under no -consideration whatever must the date be changed. It may be advanced -(generally in the newspapers when there is nothing more interesting -ripe for discussion) that July would be the better month. It may be -declared that an orange-tree taken from a hothouse and thrust into -the uncertain atmosphere of the Metropolis, and indeed the provinces, -stands less chance of weathering that climate in the second month of -the year than it would in the seventh. That may be very true, but -what has been done by the Public Squander Department once should be -repeated for ever. If an alteration has to be made it must not be -accomplished except "under-pressure." Questions must be asked in -the House, returns moved for, and all the rest of it. So long as the -alteration can be resisted, it is the duty of every member of the -Department to stand shoulder to shoulder to oppose. You will find a -case in point in the matter of your own pet grievance the condition -of "Milestones." You will recollect (if you have a good memory) that -"Milestones" were the steps of the staircase that led you from the -hall of Parliament to the comfortable apartments reserved for the -special use of the Secretary of the P. S. D. - -[Illustration] - -"I do not think we need bother about those Milestones," you will say -to the Chief Clerk after you have got accustomed to your messengers -and have chosen your easiest of easy chairs; "I daresay there are many -matters of more pressing importance." - -The courteous official to whom you have made the suggestion will -readily acquiesce, and then inform you that a deputation are anxious -to see you upon the subject. And here you will find one of the -disadvantages inseparably connected with making a question exclusively -your own. The moment you come into power you are expected to do -something. It is of course unreasonable, but none the less for that -unavoidable. - -[Illustration] - -"I think you had better see them, Sir," the Chief Clerk will observe. -"They know the ropes fairly well, and I do not think we shall get much -peace until you have got rid of them. Of course, we have sent them -travelling a bit, but they have got back to us at last." - -"Sent them a--travelling?" you will query. - -"Well, yes. We have referred them to this department, where they have -been asked to apply to that. They have been passed on from office to -office until they have come back to us. It is the rule of the game. -And now I think the time has arrived when you should see them in -person." - -Of course, you have nothing to do but to take your subordinate's -advice. It is one of the regulations of the Civil Service that the -tail wags the dog. It stands to reason that a man who has grown grey -in the Department is more likely to know the business of the bureau -better than you who have just joined. So the spokesman of the -deputation receives a polite communication informing him that you -will be pleased to see him and his friends at such and such a date. -Of course, you are furnished with the names of the friends in advance, -and your private secretary (your right-hand man) makes it his special -business to post you up in all that is necessary about them. The day -arrives, and with it the deputation. If the House is sitting, you can -see the Members in your own room. It looks well if you can show your -accosters how small a chamber you occupy, and how hard at work you -have to be at all hours of the day and night. Failing a meeting in -Parliament, you can receive them in the Department itself. In this -case contrive, if possible, to see them in official uniform. Chat with -them after you have been to a _levée_, or Cabinet, or something of -that sort. It gives you a distinct advantage if you can overawe -them with the glories of a well-feathered cocked-hat, and many yards -(chiefly on the back of your coat) of gold lace. - -You will have, of course, in attendance upon you several heads of -departments. These gentlemen will say nothing, but will look wonders. -If you are at loss for figures or facts, you will glance at them and -make a bold statement. That daring declaration will, of course, be -qualified with the announcement that it is made "to the best of your -belief." You will turn your face towards the heads, and they will -receive your mute appeal with sympathetic attention. They will not -say anything, but will, I repeat, look wonders. They will not be -comprehensible, but merely convincing. - -Chairs will have been set for the members of the deputation. Some -of your visitors will be personally known to you, and these you will -greet with effusion. Remember that you must be nothing if not genial. -Single out for special cordiality the spokesman. Not, of course, -one of your parliamentary colleagues who is going to introduce your -visitors to you, but the principal member of the deputation. If you -have to contradict him in the course of the interview you will have -the sympathy of his colleagues, and they will be glad to see one who -has the pleasure of your acquaintance (why should he have it more than -they?) soundly snubbed. After every one has got comfortably into their -places, you will ask if the Press are to be present. If the reply is -in the affirmative (as it most probably will be, as all deputations -like to see themselves in print), continue your generalities, and say -with a good-natured laugh, "that you must be on your guard." If the -interview is not to be reported, then you require no further guide. -You can say or do almost anything in reason. But assuming that the -reporters are to be present (and here it may be observed that, if your -private secretary knows his business, the gentlemen of the Press will -to some extent be "selected"), you must be more careful. - -You will listen to your parliamentary colleague's speech of -introduction and the address of your friend the spokesman with many -silent tokens of goodwill. When there is a trace of a compliment you -will smile and bow, and if any figures are introduced you will ask to -have them repeated, and make a note of them on a piece of paper. -It does not matter what kind of paper you use, as the piece will -subsequently disappear into the basket reserved for valueless -documents. - -You will ask several questions, and, when the spokesman has completed -his harangue, you will look round to see if anyone desires to follow -him. If there is any hesitation, commence your reply at once. But if -anyone is ready, let him speak. It is far better that the eloquence -of the deputation should come out (like the measles) rather than be -suppressed. When your visitors have had their turn, then will come -yours. - -Of course the less you say the better. I do not mean in words, but -in purport. If you have time you can chatter for an hour, but that -chatter should be absolutely innocuous. Remember not to give yourself -away. Mind, you are bound in office by nothing you have uttered out -of it. Be genial. Indulge in small jokes. Let them be at your own -expense. Complain that you are powerless. Explain that had you your -way you would do all sorts of good things, but "that tyrant, the -Chancellor of the Exchequer," interferes. It is not the fault of the -Public Squander Department; but the crime of the Treasury. Wind up by -assuring the members of the deputation of your personal sympathy, and -assure them that you will take "an early opportunity of laying the -representations they have made before your colleagues." - -By following these directions you may be sure that you will gain -golden opinions. You will be thanked with effusion for your courtesy, -and your visitors will retire entirely satisfied with the reception -that has been accorded to them. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "I SAY, TIBBINS, OLD MAN, IS IT TRUE THAT YOUR WIFE HAS -BEEN ASKED TO RESIGN AT THE OMPHALE CLUB?" - -"WELL, YES; YOU SEE THE COMMITTEE FOUND THAT SHE'D BEEN GUILTY OF -UNGENTLEMANLY CONDUCT."] - - * * * * * - -TO ALTHEA.--(Out of Town.) - - If ever this message should find you, - I think that perhaps you will guess - Who sent it, in hopes to remind you - Of one who has not your address, - And who if he had dare not use it, - The chaperon's eye to offend. - ALTHEA, yet do not refuse it, - The humble good wish of a friend! - - To give you a New Year's greeting, - Explain, what I cannot explain, - How your look, at our very last meeting, - Is photographed firm on my brain. - Without you, I'm twenty years older; - And yet I'm glad you're away. - For each day it grows darker and colder, - The sky is a smoky brown-grey. - - ALTHEA--I am weary of winter - Without you! The fogs never clear. - My missive I send to the printer - To tell you how dull it is here. - I hope you are faring far better, - I trust, as I bid you adieu, - That you may divine that this letter - Is really intended for you! - - * * * * * - -"RICHARD HIMSELF AGAIN." - -"Return again _Whittington_, Pantomime of London" were the words to -the chimes that on or about Boxing Day must have been ringing in the -ears of Mr. Ex-Sheriff HARRIS, Knight, and spectacle maker from morn -to dawn. This is not the first time that our own DRURIOLANUS has -chosen the intermittent Lord Mayor (for did not _Dick_ pass the chair -thrice?) as the subject for his annual. That he has been wise in -making the selection has been proved by the result. Sir AUGUSTUS (with -the assistance of his literary colleagues, Messrs. H. HAMILTON and -WALTER RALEIGH; and his chief of the staff, Mr. ARTHUR COLLINS) has -beaten his own record. Nothing better than the present show has been -seen at Drury Lane within the recollection of the existing generation. -And it is highly probable that the memory of man does not, anent times -past, run to the contrary. - -[Illustration: "Listening to the Belles."] - -The ex-sheriff has begun a new lease of the old house, and seemingly -has taken the success he has so long established on the premises as -one of the fixtures. A most excellent commencement to a contract that -should be highly satisfactory to both manager and public. - -[Illustration: "Haul by the Sea."] - -So much for pantomimic things in general, and now to turn to details -in particular. The book of the words is decidedly a superior article. -Hitherto when the Drury Lane Annual has contained a fault the mistake -has been discovered in "the cackle." On former occasions it has been -said (by the dyspeptic and consequently disappointed) that "the -turns of the halls" have been too numerous. Those excellent comedians -Messrs. DAN LENO and HERBERT CAMPBELL have sometimes been a little too -much in evidence to suit every taste. In 1894-95 they have plenty to -do, but only enough to satisfy the most fastidious. They are quite -as amusing as usual, and when the curtain falls before "the -transformation" people are rather inclined to ask for more than to -say that they have had quite enough. This is the token of a good sign. -Then the Brothers GRIFFITHS are particularly pleasing. That member of -the brethren who plays the cat is at once comic and pathetic. He makes -_Malkin_ quite a loveable character. Then Miss ADA BLANCHE, as _Dick_, -is altogether a hero of romance. She may sing the old songs of the -halls, but she tempers her comic vocalism with a touch of sentiment -that makes the whole world kin after it has had its grin. Miss -MARIE MONTROSE, too, is winsome, and so are Misses AGNES HEWITT, EVA -WESTLAKE, and MADGE LUCAS. In fact, the opening is well played by -"all concerned." It is a wonder that, after the first innings of -the morning performance, they should have scored so heavily in -the evening's representation. But score they do, and are likely to -"continue the movement" until Easter. - -The scenery must be seen. It baffles description. Who could paint -the sun? Who could report the wonders of the solar system? A first -impressionist would declare that the gorgeous production of colour, -light, and form, could only be adequately suggested by the word -"HARRIS." So the entire audience thought on Boxing Night. Let it be -known that after the wonderful "Feast of Lanterns" Scene, Sir AUGUSTUS -was called to the front three or four times, and might have "gone on" -indefinitely so far as the house was concerned. Indeed, the enthusiasm -showed no sign of diminution when the lessee had made his exit. Still -the Gallery called for "'ARRIS!" still the Stalls expressed their -opinion by the gentle tapping of well-gloved hands. Nay more, there -were members of the superior classes who not only rapped out their -applause, but roared with laughter. From first to last, thanks to a -thoroughly appreciative (and yet discriminating) audience, the play -went admirably. - -[Illustration: "Cook and Gaze."] - -So the bells will ring for _Whittington_ for a long time to come. And -where the belles are there will be found the beaux. To continue the -association of ideas, the shot of Sir AUGUSTUS has ended in a hit. It -does not take a prophet to predict that _Dick_ will not only be the -centre of numberless _matinées_, but the hero of at least a hundred -nights. _Dick_ will listen to his bells until Easter changes the -music. - - * * * * * - -WHY DOST THOU SING? - - Why dost thou sing? Is it because thou deemest - We love to hear thy sorry quavers ring? - My poor deluded girl, thou fondly dreamest! - Why dost thou sing? - - Why dost thou sing? I ask thy sad relations-- - They shake their heads, and answer with a sigh. - They can explain thy wild hallucinations - No more than I. - - Why dost thou sing? Why wilt thou never weary - Why wilt thou warble half a note too flat? - I can conceive no reasonable theory. - To tell me that. - - Why dost thou sing? O Lady, have we ever - In thought or action done thee any wrong? - Then wherefore should'st thou visit us for ever - With thy one song? - - Why dost thou sing?--None offers a suggestion, - None dares to do so desperate a thing, - And Echo only answers to my question, - "Why dost thou sing?" - - * * * * * - - - - -Transcriber's Note: - -= = denotes Old English Font, large size, bold. - -Page 1: 'exams.' is an abbreviation. - -Page 6: Comma moved to correct place after 'PLAYS'. - -"--If there's a _demand_ for these Plays, it must be _supplied!_" - -Page 6: 'toughtest' may be correct (poetic licence), or a typo for -'toughest'. Retained. - -"As the toughtest old tar who e'er ventured the wave." - -Page 11: 'If' corrected to 'It'. - -"It looks well if you can show your accosters how small a chamber you -occupy,..." - - - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, -January 5th, 1895, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, JANUARY 5TH, 1895 *** - -***** This file should be named 42477-8.txt or 42477-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/2/4/7/42477/ - -Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Thus, we do not necessarily -keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. - - -Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: - - http://www.gutenberg.org - -This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/42477-8.zip b/42477-8.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index bc55636..0000000 --- a/42477-8.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/42477-h.zip b/42477-h.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index c7f6354..0000000 --- a/42477-h.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/42477-h/42477-h.htm b/42477-h/42477-h.htm index 6c19936..c7d8954 100644 --- a/42477-h/42477-h.htm +++ b/42477-h/42477-h.htm @@ -3,7 +3,7 @@ <html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en" xml:lang="en"> <head> - <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" /> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> <title>Punch, or the London Charivari, January 5th, 1895.</title> @@ -141,46 +141,7 @@ span.pagenum { </style> </head> <body> - - -<pre> - -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, January -5th, 1895, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, January 5th, 1895 - -Author: Various - -Editor: Sir Francis Burnand - -Release Date: April 7, 2013 [EBook #42477] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, JANUARY 5TH, 1895 *** - - - - -Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - -</pre> - +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 42477 ***</div> <p><span class="pagenum"><a name="pagei" id="pagei"></a>[pg i]</span></p> @@ -1304,7 +1265,7 @@ and how hard at work you have to be at all hours of the day and night. Failing a meeting in Parliament, you can receive them in the Department itself. In this case contrive, if possible, to see them in official uniform. -Chat with them after you have been to a <em>levée</em>, or Cabinet, +Chat with them after you have been to a <em>levée</em>, or Cabinet, or something of that sort. It gives you a distinct advantage if you can overawe them with the glories of a well-feathered cocked-hat, and many yards (chiefly on @@ -1524,7 +1485,7 @@ audience, the play went admirably.</p> And where the belles are there will be found the beaux. To continue the association of ideas, the shot of Sir <span class="sc">Augustus</span> has ended in a hit. It does not take a prophet to predict that <em>Dick</em> will not only -be the centre of numberless <em>matinées</em>, but the hero of at least a +be the centre of numberless <em>matinées</em>, but the hero of at least a hundred nights. <em>Dick</em> will listen to his bells until Easter changes the music.</p> @@ -1581,387 +1542,7 @@ the music.</p> </div> - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, -January 5th, 1895, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, JANUARY 5TH, 1895 *** - -***** This file should be named 42477-h.htm or 42477-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/2/4/7/42477/ - -Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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