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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Misrepresentative Women - -Author: Harry Graham - -Illustrator: Dan Sayre Groesbeck - -Release Date: March 24, 2013 [EBook #42407] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MISREPRESENTATIVE WOMEN *** - - - - -Produced by Mark C. Orton, Matthew Wheaton and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -book was produced from scanned images of public domain -material from the Google Print project.) - - - - - - - - _Misrepresentative Women_ - - [Illustration: - "_For long with horror she has viewed - The naked Truth for being nude_" - ] - - - - - MISREPRESENTATIVE WOMEN - - By HARRY GRAHAM - - - _Author of "Misrepresentative Men" - and "More Misrepresentative Men"_ - - ILLUSTRATED BY - DAN SAYRE GROESBECK - - NEW YORK - DUFFIELD & COMPANY - MCMVI - - - COPYRGHT, 1906, BY - DUFFIELD & COMPANY - _Published, September, 1906_ - - THE TROW PRESS, NEW YORK - - - - - _Contents_ - - - PAGE - PUBLISHERS' PREFACE 7 - EVE 13 - LADY GODIVA 19 - MISS MARIE CORELLI 27 - MRS. MARY BAKER EDDY 35 - MRS. GRUNDY 41 - MRS. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS 49 - DAME RUMOR 57 - THE CRY OF THE CHILDREN 63 - THE CRY OF THE ELDERS 71 - AN EPITHALAMIUM 79 - THE SELF-MADE FATHER TO HIS READY-MADE SON 85 - THE AUTHOR TO HIS HOSTESS 91 - ON THE DECLINE OF GENTILITY AMONG THE YOUNG 97 - "LOCHINVAR" 103 - ABBREVIATION'S ARTFUL AID 111 - AUTHOR'S AFTWORD 117 - - - - _List of Illustrations_ - - - "_Far long with horror she has viewed The naked Truth - for being nude_" FRONTISPIECE - - FACING PAGE - - "_Gentle Reader, who so patiently have waited_" _10_ - - "_Her wardrobe, though extremely small, sufficed a somewhat - simple need_" _14_ - - "_At the Heart of her spouse she continued to storm_" _20_ - - "_Were she to mingle with her ink a little milk of human - kindness_" _28_ - - "_And so be daily left her side to travel o'er the ocean - far_" _50_ - - "_Where the spinsters at tea are collected, her arrival - is bailed with delight_" _58_ - - "_He is yearning for the chance of reading Gibbon_" _64_ - - "_How glad the happy pair must be that Hymen's bonds have - set them free_" _80_ - - "_I wonder why they look such frights_" _92_ - - "_Small wonder she receives a shock each time she views - thy billycock_" _98_ - - "_'She is mine!' he announces, adjourning to the distant - horizon afar_" _104_ - - - - -_Publishers' Preface_ - - - Gentle Reader, who so patiently have waited - For such viands as your poet can provide, - (Which, as critics have occasionally stated, - Must be trying to a delicate inside,) - Once again are opportunities afforded - Of a banquet, or a _déjeuner_ at least, - Once again your toleration is rewarded - By a literary feast! - - You may think that Rudyard Kipling's work is stronger, - Or that Chaucer's may be rather more mature; - Byron's lyrics are indubitably longer, - Robert Browning's just a trifle more obscure; - But 'tis certain that no poems are politer, - Or more fitted for perusal in the home, - Than the verses of the unassuming writer - Of this memorable tome! - - Austin Dobson is a daintier performer, - Andrew Lang is far more scholarly and wise, - Mr. Swinburne can, of course, be somewhat warmer, - Alfred Austin more amusing, if he tries; - But there's no one in the world (and well you know it!) - Who can emulate the bard of whom we speak, - For the literary methods of _our_ poet - Are admittedly unique! - - Tho' he shows no sort of penitence at breaking - Ev'ry rule of English grammar and of style, - (Not a rhyme is too atrocious for his making, - Not a metre for his purpose is too vile!) - Tho' his treatment is essentially destructive, - And his taste a thing that no one can admire, - There is something incontestably seductive - In the music of his lyre! - - Gentle Reader, some apologies are needed - For depositing this volume on your desk, - Since the author has undoubtedly exceeded - All the limits of legitimate burlesque, - And we look with very genuine affection - To a Public who, for better or for worse, - Will relieve us of this villainous collection - Of abominable verse! - - [Illustration: - "_Gentle Reader, who so patiently have waited_" - ] - - - - -_Eve_ - - - I always love to picture Eve, - Whatever captious critics say, - As one who was, as I believe, - The nicest woman of her day; - Attractive to the outward view, - And such a perfect _lady_ too! - - Unselfish,--that one can't dispute, - Recalling her intense delight, - When she acquired some novel fruit, - In giving all her friends a bite; - Her very troubles she would share - With those who happened to be there. - - Her wardrobe, though extremely small, - Sufficed a somewhat simple need; - She was, if anything at all, - A trifle _under_dressed, indeed, - And never visited a play - In headgear known as "matinée." - - Possessing but a single _beau_, - With only one _affaire de c[oe]ur_, - She promptly married, as we know, - The man who first proposed to her; - Not for his title or his pelf, - But simply for his own sweet self. - - He loved her madly, at first sight; - His callow heart was quite upset; - He thought her nearly, if not quite, - The sweetest soul he'd ever met; - She found him charming--for a man, - And so their young romance began. - - Their wedding was a trifle tame-- - A purely family affair-- - No guests were asked, no pressmen came - To interview the happy pair; - No crowds of curious strangers bored them, - The "Eden Journal" quite ignored them. - - They had the failings of their class, - The faults and foibles of the youthful; - She was inquisitive, alas! - And he was--not exactly truthful; - But never was there man or woman - So truly, so intensely _human_! - - And, hand in hand, from day to day, - They lived and labored, man and wife; - Together hewed their common way - Along the rugged path of Life; - Remaining, though the seasons pass'd, - Friends, lovers, to the very last. - - So, side by side, they shared, these two, - The sorrow and the joys of living; - The Man, devoted, tender, true, - The Woman, patient and forgiving; - Their common toil, their common weather, - But drew them closelier still together. - - And if they ever chanced to grieve, - Enduring loss, or suff'ring pain, - You may be certain it was Eve - Brought comfort to their hearts again; - If they were happy, well I know, - It was the Woman made them so. - - * * * * * - - And though the anthropologist - May mention, in his tactless way, - That Adam's weaknesses exist - Among our modern Men to-day, - In Women we may still perceive - The virtues of their Mother Eve! - - [Illustration: - "_Her wardrobe, though extremely small, sufficed a - somewhat simple need_" - ] - - - - -_Lady Godiva_ - - - In the old town of Coventry, so people say, - Dwelt a Peer who was utterly lacking in pity; - Universally loathed for the rigorous way - That he burdened the rates of the City. - By his merciless methods of petty taxation, - The poor were reduced to the verge of starvation. - - But the Earl had a wife, whom the people adored, - For her kindness of heart even more than her beauty, - And her pitiless lord she besought and implored - To remit this extortionate "duty"; - But he answered: "My dear, pray reflect at your leisure, - What _you_ deem a 'duty,' to _me_ is a pleasure!" - - At the heart of her spouse she continued to storm, - And she closed her entreaties, one day, by exclaiming:-- - "If you take off the tax, I will gladly perform - Any task that you like to be naming!" - "Well, if that be the case," said the nobleman, "I've a - Good mind just to test you, my Lady Godiva! - - "To your wishes, my dear, I will straight acquiesce, - On the single condition--I give you fair warning-- - That you ride through the City, at noon, in the dress - That you wear in your bath of a morning!" - "Very well!" she replied. "Be it so! Though you drive a - Hard bargain, my lord," said the Lady Godiva. - - So she slipped off her gown, and her shoulders lay bare, - Gleaming white like the moon on Aonian fountains; - When about them she loosened her curtain of hair, - 'Twas like Night coming over the mountains! - And she blushed, 'neath the veil of her wonderful tresses, - As blushes the Morn 'neath the Sun's first caresses! - - Then she went to the stable and saddled her steed, - Who erected his ears, till he looked like a rabbit, - He was somewhat surprised, as he might be, indeed, - At the lady's unusual "habit"; - But allowed her to mount in the masculine way, - For he couldn't say "No," and he wouldn't say "Neigh!" - - So she rode through the town, in the heat of the sun, - For the weather was (luckily) warm as the Tropics, - And the people all drew down their blinds--except one, - On the staff of the local "Town Topics." - (Such misconduct produced in the eyes of this vile one - A cataract nearly as large as the Nile one!) - - Then Godiva returned, and the Earl had to yield, - (And the paralyzed pressman dictated his cable;) - The tax was remitted, the bells were repealed, - And the horse was returned to the stable; - While banners were waved from each possible quarter, - Except from the flat of the stricken reporter. - - Now the Moral is this--if I've fathomed the tale - (Though it needs a more delicate pen to explain it):-- - You can get whatsoever you want, without fail, - If you'll sacrifice _all_ to obtain it. - You should _try_ to avoid unconventional capers, - And be sure you don't write for Society papers. - - [Illustration: - "_At the heart of her spouse she continued to storm_" - ] - - - - -_Miss Marie Corelli_ - - - A very Woman among Men! - Her pæans, sung in ev'ry quarter, - Almost persuade Le Gallienne - To go and get his hair cut shorter; - When Kipling hears her trumpet-note - He longs to don a petticoat. - - Her praise is sung by old or young, - From Happy Hampstead to Hoboken, - Where'er old England's mother-tongue - Is (ungrammatically) spoken: - In that supremely simple set - Which loves the penny novelette. - - When Anglo-Saxon peoples kneel - Before their literary idol, - It makes all rival authors feel - Depressed and almost suicidal; - They cannot reach within a mile - Of her sublime suburban style. - - Her modest, unobtrusive ways, - In sunny Stratford's guide-books graven, - Her brilliance, lighting with its rays - The birthplace of the Swan of Avon, - Must cause the Bard as deep a pain - As his resemblance to Hall Caine. - - Mere ordinary mortals ask, - With no desire for picking quarrels, - Who gave her the congenial task - Of judging other people's morals? - Who bade her flay her fellow-men - With such a frankly feline pen? - - And one may seek, and seek in vain. - The social set she loves to mention, - Those offspring of her fertile brain, - Those creatures of her fond invention. - (She is, or so it would appear, - Unlucky in her friends, poor dear!) - - For tho', like her, they feel the sway - Of claptrap sentimental glamour, - And frequently, like her, give way - To lapses from our English grammar, - The victims of her diatribes - Are not the least as she describes. - - To restaurants they seldom go, - Just for the sake of over-eating; - While ladies don't play bridge, you know, - Entirely for the sake of cheating; - And husbands can be quite nice men, - And wives _are_ faithful, now and then. - - Were she to mingle with her ink - A little milk of human kindness, - She would not join, I dare to think, - To chronic social color-blindness - An outlook bigoted and narrow - As that of some provincial sparrow. - - But still, perhaps, it might affect - Her literary circulation, - If she were tempted to neglect - Her talent for vituperation; - Since work of this peculiar kind - Delights the groundling's curious mind. - - For while, of course, from day to day, - Her popularity increases, - As, in an artless sort of way, - She tears Society to pieces, - Her sense of humor, so they tell us, - Makes even Alfred Austin jealous! - - Yet even bumpkins, by and by, - (Such is the spread of education) - May view with cold, phlegmatic eye - The fruits of her imagination, - And learn to temper their devotion - With slight, if adequate, emotion. - - * * * * * - - Dear Miss Corelli:--Should your eyes - Peruse this page ('tis my ambition!), - Be sure that I apologize - In any suitable position - For having weakly imitated - The style that you yourself created. - - I cannot fancy to attain - To heights of personal invective - Which you, with subtler pen and brain, - Have learnt to render so effective; - I follow dimly in your trail; - Forgive me, therefore, if I fail! - - [Illustration: - "_Were she to mingle with her ink - A little milk of human kindness_" - ] - - - - -_Mrs. Mary Baker Eddy_ - - - Have you a pain all down your back? - A feeling of intense prostration? - Are you anæmic, for the lack - Of proper circulation? - With bloodshot eye and hand unsteady? - Pray send at once for Mrs. Eddy. - - The Saint and Prophetess is she - Of what is known as Christian Science; - And you can lean on Mrs. E. - With absolute reliance; - For she will shortly make it plain - That there is no such thing as pain. - - The varied ailments on your list - Which cause you such extreme vexation - Are nothing more, she will insist, - Than mere imagination. - 'Tis so with illness or disease; - Nothing exists ... except her fees! - - A friend of mine had not been taught - This doctrine, I regret to say. - He fell downstairs, or so he thought, - And broke his neck, one day. - Had Mrs. Eddy come along, - She could have shown him he was wrong. - - She could have told him (or his wraith) - That stairs and necks have no existence, - That persons with sufficient faith - Can fall from any distance, - And that he wasn't in the least - What local papers called "deceased." - - Of ills to which the flesh is heir - She is decidedly disdainful; - But once, or so her friends declare, - Her teeth became so painful - That, tho' she knew they couldn't be, - She had them taken out, to see. - - Afflictions of the lame or halt, - Which other people view with terror, - To her denote some moral fault, - Some form of mental error. - While doctors probe or amputate, - She simply heals you while you wait. - - My brother, whom you may have seen, - Possessed a limp, a very slight one; - His leg, the left, had always been - Much shorter than the right one; - But Mrs. Eddy came his way, - And ... well, just look at him to-day! - - At healing she had grown so deft - That when she finished with my brother, - His crippled leg, I mean the left, - Was _longer_ than the other! - And now he's praying, day and night, - For faith to lengthen out the right. - - So let it be our chief concern - To set diseases at defiance, - Contriving, as the truths we learn - Of so-called Christian Science, - To live from illnesses exempt,-- - Or else to die in the attempt! - - - - -_Mrs. Grundy_ - - - When lovely Woman stoops to smoke - (A vice in which she often glories), - Or sees the somewhat doubtful joke - In after-dinner stories, - Who is it to her bedroom rushes - To hide the fervor of her blushes? - - When Susan's skirt's a trifle short, - Or Mary's manner rather skittish, - Who is it, with a fretful snort - (So typically British), - Emits prolonged and startled cries, - Suggestive of a pained surprise? - - Who is it, tell me, in effect, - Who loves to centre her attentions - On all who wilfully neglect - Society's conventions, - And seems eternally imbued - With saponaceous rectitude? - - 'Tis Mrs. Grundy, deaf and blind - To anything the least romantic, - Combining with a narrow mind - A point of view pedantic, - Since no one in the world can stop her - From thinking ev'rything improper. - - The picture or the marble bust - At any public exhibition - Evokes her unconcealed disgust - And rouses her suspicion, - If human forms are shown to us - _In puris naturalibus_. - - The bare, in any sense or shape. - She looks upon as wrong or faulty; - Piano-legs she likes to drape, - If they are too décoll'té; - For long with horror she has viewed - The naked Truth, for being nude. - - On modern manners that efface - The formal modes of introduction - She is at once prepared to place - The very worst construction,-- - And frowns, suspicious and sardonic, - On friendships that are termed Platonic. - - The English restaurants must close - At twelve o'clock at night on Sunday, - To suit (or so we may suppose) - The taste of Mrs. Grundy; - On week-days, thirty minutes later, - Ejected guests revile the waiter. - - A sense of humor she would vote - The sign of mental dissipations; - She scorns whatever might promote - The gaiety of nations; - Of lawful fun she seems no fonder - Than of the noxious _dooblontonder_! - - And if you wish to make her blench - And snap her teeth together tightly, - Say something in Parisian French, - And close one optic slightly. - "Rien ne va plus! Enfin, alors!" - She leaves the room and slams the door! - - O Mrs. Grundy, do, I beg, - To false conclusions cease from rushing, - And learn to name the human leg - Without profusely blushing! - No longer be (don't think me rude) - That unalluring thing, the prude! - - No more patrol the world, I pray, - In search of trifling social errors, - Let "What will Mrs. Grundy say?" - No longer have its terrors; - Leave diatribe and objurgation - To Mrs. Chant and Carrie Nation! - - - - -_Mrs. Christopher Columbus_ - - - The bride grows pale beneath her veil, - The matron, for the nonce, is dumb, - Who listens to the tragic tale - Of Mrs. Christopher Columb: - Who lived and died (so says report) - A widow of the herbal sort. - - Her husband upon canvas wings - Would brave the Ocean, tempest-tost; - He had a cult for finding things - Which nobody had ever lost, - And Mrs. C. grew almost frantic - When he discovered the Atlantic. - - But nothing she could do or say - Would keep her Christopher at home; - Without delay he sailed away - Across what poets call "the foam," - While neighbors murmured, "What a shame!" - And wished their husbands did the same. - - He ventured on the highest C's - That reared their heads above the bar, - Knowing the compass and the quays - Like any operatic star; - And funny friends who watched him do so - Would call him "Robinson Caruso." - - But Mrs. C. remained indoors, - And poked the fire and wound the clocks, - Amused the children, scrubbed the floors, - Or darned her absent husband's socks. - (For she was far too sweet and wise - To darn the great explorer's eyes.) - - And when she chanced to look around - At all the couples she had known, - And realized how few had found - A home as peaceful as her own, - She saw how pleasant it may be - To wed a chronic absentee. - - Her husband's absence she enjoyed, - Nor ever asked him where he went, - Thinking him harmlessly employed - Discovering some Continent. - Had he been always in, no doubt, - Some day she would have found him out. - - And so he daily left her side - To travel o'er the ocean far, - And she who, like the bard, had tried - To "hitch her wagon to a star," - Though she was harnessed to a comet, - Got lots of satisfaction from it. - - To him returning from the West - She proved a perfect anti-dote, - Who loosed his Armour (beef compress'd) - And sprayed his "automobile throat"; - His health she kept a jealous eye on, - And played PerUna to his lion! - - And when she got him home again, - And so could wear the jewels rare - Which Isabella, Queen of Spain, - Entrusted to her husband's care, - Her monetary wealth was "far - Beyond the dreams of caviar!" - - * * * * * - - A melancholy thing it is - How few have known or understood - The manifold advantages - Of such herbaceous widowhood! - (What is it ruins married lives - But husbands ... not to mention wives?) - - O wedded couples of to-day, - Pray take these principles to heart, - And copy the Columbian way - Of living happily apart. - And so, to you, at any rate, - Shall marriage be a "blessèd state." - - [Illustration: - "_And so he daily left her side - To travel o'er the ocean far_" - ] - - - - -_Dame Rumor_ - - - I should like to remark that Dame Rumor - Is the most unalluring of jades. - She has little or no sense of humor, - And her fables are worse than George Ade's. - (Or rather, I mean, if the reader prefers, - That the fables of Ade are much _better_ than hers!) - - Her appearance imbues one with loathing, - From her jaundiced, malevolent eyes - To the tinsel she cares to call clothing, - Which is merely a patchwork of lies. - For her garments are such that a child could see through, - And her blouse (need I add?) is the famed Peek-a-boo! - - She is wholly devoid of discretion, - She is utterly wanting in tact, - She's a gossip by trade and profession, - And she much prefers fiction to fact. - She is seldom veracious, and always unkind, - And she moves to and fro with the speed of the wind. - - She resembles the men who ('tis fabled) - Tumble into the Packingtown vats, - Who are boiled there, and bottled, and labelled - For the tables of true democrats: - Pickled souls who are canned for the public to buy, - And (like her) have a finger in every pie! - - With a step that is silent and stealthy, - Or an earsplitting clamor and noise, - She disturbs the repose of the wealthy, - Or the peace which the pauper enjoys. - And, however securely the doors may be shut, - She can always gain access to palace or hut. - - Where the spinsters at tea are collected, - Her arrival is hailed with delight; - She is welcomed, adored, and respected - In each newspaper office at night; - For her presence imprints an original seal - On an otherwise commonplace journal or meal. - - She has nothing in common with Virtue, - And with Truth she was never allied; - If she hasn't yet managed to hurt you, - It can't be from not having tried! - For the poison of adders is under her tongue, - And you're lucky indeed, if you've never been stung. - - Are you statesman, or author, or artist, - With a perfectly blameless career? - Are your talents and wits of the smartest, - And your conscience abnormally clear? - "He's a saint!" says Dame Rumor, and smiles like the Sphinx. - "He's a hero!" (She adds:) "What a pity he drinks!" - - Gentle Reader, keep clear of her clutches! - O beware of her voice, I entreat! - Be you journalist, dowager duchess, - Or just merely the Man in the Street. - And I beg of you not to encourage a jade - Who, if once she is started, can _never_ be stayed. - - [Illustration: - "_Where the spinsters at tea are collected, - Her arrival is hailed with delight_" - ] - - - - -_The Cry of the Children_ - - [On the subject of infant education it has been suggested that - more advantageous results might be obtained if, instead of - filling children's minds with such nonsense as fairy-tales, - stories were read to them about Julius Cæsar.] - - - O my Brothers, do you hear the children weeping? - Do you note the teardrops tumbling from their eyes? - To the school-house they reluctantly are creeping, - - Discontented with the teaching it supplies. - At the quality of modern education - Little urchins may with justice look askance, - Since it panders to a child's imagination, - And encourages romance. - - Do you see that toddling baby with a bib on, - How his eyes with silent misery are dim? - He is yearning for the chance of reading Gibbon; - But his teachers give him nothing else but Grimm! - What a handicap to infantile ambition! - 'Tis enough to make the brightest bantling fume, - To be gammoned with an Andrew Lang edition, - When he longs for Hume, sweet Hume! - - See that tiny one, what boredom he expresses! - What intolerance his frequent yawns evince - Of the fairy-tales where beautiful princesses - Are delivered from a dragon by a prince! - How he curses the pedantic institution - Where he can't obtain such volumes as "Le Cid," - Or that masterpiece on "Social Evolution" - By another kind of Kidd! - - Do you hear the children weeping, O my Brothers? - They are crying for Max Müller and Carlyle. - Tho' Hans Andersen may satisfy their mothers, - They are weary of so immature a style. - And their time is far too brief to be expended - On such nonsense as their "rude forefathers" read; - For they know the days of sentiment are ended, - And that Chivalry is dead! - - Oh remember that the pillars of the nation - Are the children that we discipline to-day; - That to give them a becoming education - You must rear them in a reasonable way! - Let us guard them from the glamour of the mystics, - Who would throw a ray of sunshine on their lives! - Let us feed each helpless atom on statistics, - And pray Heaven he survives! - - Let us cast away the out-of-date traditions, - Which our poets and romanticists have sung! - Let us sacrifice the senseless superstitions - That illuminate the fancies of the young! - If we limit our instruction to the "reals," - We may prove to ev'ry baby from the start, - The futility of cherishing ideals - In his golden little heart! - - [Illustration: - "_He is yearning for the chance of reading Gibbon_" - ] - - - - -_The Cry of the Elders_ - - [With steady but increasing pace the world is approaching a - point at which the cleverness of the young will amount to a - social problem. Already things are getting uncomfortable for - persons of age and sobriety, whose notion of happiness is to - ruminate a few solid and simple ideas in freedom from - disturbance.--_Macmillan's Magazine._] - - - O my Children, do you hear your elders sighing? - Do you wonder that senility should find - Your encyclopædic knowledge somewhat trying - To the ordinary mind? - In the heyday of a former generation, - Some respect for our intelligence was shown; - And it's hard for us to cotton - To the fact that _you've_ forgotten - More than _we_ have ever known! - - O my Children, do you hear your elders snoring, - When the "chassis" of your motors you discuss? - Do you wonder that your "shop" is rather boring - To such simple souls as us?[1] - Do you marvel that your dreary conversation - Should evoke the yawns that "lie too deep for tears," - When you lecture to your betters - About "tanks" and "carburettors," - About "sparking-plugs" and "gears"? - - O my Children, in the season of your nonage, - (Which delightful days no longer now exist!) - We could join with other fogeys of our own age - In a quiet game of whist. - _Now_, at bridge, our very experts are defeated - By some beardless but impertinent young cub, - Who converts our silent table - To a very Tow'r of Babel, - At the Knickerbocker Club! - - O my Children, we no longer are respected! - 'Tis a fact we older fellows must deplore, - Whose opinions and whose judgments are neglected, - As they never were before. - We may tender good advice to our descendants; - We may offer them our money, if we will; - Lo, the one shall be forsaken, - And the other shall be taken - (Like the women at the mill!). - - O my Children, note the moral (like a kernel) - I have hidden in the centre of my song! - Do not contradict a relative maternal, - If she happens to be wrong! - Be indulgent to the author of your being; - Never show him the contempt that you must feel; - Treat him tolerantly, rather, - Since a man who is _your_ father - Can't be wholly imbecile! - - O my Children, we, the older generation, - At whose feet you ought (in theory) to sit, - Are bewildered by your mental penetration, - We are dazzled by your wit! - But we hopefully anticipate a future - When the airship shall replace the motor-'bus, - And _your_ children, when they meet you, - Shall inevitably treat you - Just as you are treating us! - - [1] "As us" is not grammar.--Publishers' Reader. - "As we" is not verse.--H. G. - - - - -_An Epithalamium_ - -LONGWORTH--ROOSEVELT, FEBRUARY 17TH, 1906 - - - Hail, bride and bridegroom of the West! - Your troth irrevocably plighted! - Your act of Union doubly blest, - Your single States United, - With full approval and assent - Of populace and President! - - Let Spangled Banners wave on high, - To greet the maiden as she passes! - See how the proud Proconsul's eye - Grows dim behind his glasses! - How fond the heart that beats beneath - Those pleated Presidential teeth! - - The bishop has received his cheque, - The final slipper has been thrown; - With rice down each respective neck, - The couple stand alone. - To them, at last, the fates provide - A privacy so long denied. - - Letters and wires, from near and far, - Lie thickly piled on ev'ry table; - The peaceful message from the Czar, - The Kaiser's kindly cable; - The well-expressed congratulations - From Heads of all the Sister Nations. - - Rich gifts, as countless as the sand - That cloaks the desert of Sahara, - From fish-slice to piano (grand), - From toast-rack to tiara, - Still overwhelm the lucky maid - (With heavy duties to be paid!). - - See, hand-in-hand, the couple stand! - (The guests their homeward journey take, - Concealing their emotion--and - Some lumps of wedding cake!) - How glad the happy pair must be - That Hymen's bonds have set them free! - - Free of the curious Yellow Press, - Free of the public's prying gaze, - Of all the troubles that obsess - The path of fiancés! - Alone at last, and safely screen'd - From onslaughts of the kodak-fiend! - - The Bride, who bore without demur - The wiles of artists photographic, - Of vulgar crowds that gaped at her, - Congesting all the traffic, - Can shop, once more, in perfect peace, - Without the help of the police. - - Arrayed in stylish trav'lling dress, - Behold, with blushes she departs! - The free Republican Princess - A captive Queen of Hearts! - (Captive to Cupid, need I say? - But Queen in ev'ry other way!) - - And this must surely be the hour - For Anglo-Saxons, ev'rywhere, - With cousinly regard, to show'r - Good wishes on the pair; - Borne on the bosom of the breeze, - Our blessings speed across the seas! - - Hail, Bride and Bridegroom of the West! - (Pray pardon my redundant lyre) - May your united lives be blest - With all your hearts' desire! - Accept the warm felicitations - Of fond, if distant, blood-relations! - - [Illustration: - "_How glad the happy pair must be - That Hymen's bonds have set them free_" - ] - - - - -_The Self-Made Father to His Ready-Made Son_ - -(AN OPEN LETTER) - - - My Offspring:--Ere you raise the glass, - To irrigate your ardent throttle; - Ere once again you gladly pass - The bottle; - Take heed that your prevailing passion - Be not completely out of fashion. - - No longer does the Prodigal - Expend his nights in drunken frolic; - Or pass his days in revels al-Coholic; - For, nowadays, a glass _de trop_ - Is not considered _comme il faut_. - - No longer do the youthful fall, - Like leaf or partridge in October; - For they, if anything at all, - Are sober. - (I mean the boys,--don't be absurd! - And not the foliage or the bird.) - - No longer arm-in-arm they roam, - Despite constabulary warning, - Declaring that they won't go home - Till morning! - With bursts of bacchanalian song, - And jokes as broad as they are long. - - No more they wander to-and-fro, - Exchanging incoherent greetings-- - The kind in vogue at Caledo- - -Nian Meetings - (Behavior that we all condemn, - Especially at 3 a. m.). - - Yes; fashions change--and well they may! - No longer, at the dinner-table, - Do persons drink as much as they - Are able; - And seek the hospitable floor, - When they have drunk a trifle more. - - My nasal hue, incarnadine, - Shall not, perhaps, be wholly wasted, - If sons of mine but leave their wine - Untasted; - And vanquish, with deserving merit, - The varied vices they inherit. - - Yes, Offspring, I rejoice to think - That, shunning my example truly, - You never may be led to drink - Unduly. - It is indeed a blessèd thought! - Now, will you kindly pass the port? - - - - -_The Author to His Hostess_ - -(AN OPEN LETTER) - - [Very few English men of letters enjoy a desirable social - position. To be sure, they are frequently invited to functions, - where they are treated with insistent affability by persons - belonging to the higher classes; but the sort of position to be - obtained in this way is insecure, and unpleasant to any save - those of adamantine cheek.--_Current Magazine._] - - - Dear Lady,--When you bade me come - To grace your crowded "Kettledrum," - And mingle in the best society; - When Melba sang, and Elman played, - - And waiters handed lemonade - (Tempering music with sobriety), - I never had the least suspicion - Of my precarious position. - - But now, with opened eyes, I leap - To this conclusion, shrewd and deep, - (What cerebral agility!): - Your compliments were insincere, - Your hospitality was mere - "Insistent affability!" - And I, a foolish man of letters, - Who thought to mingle with his betters! - - Ah me! How pride precedes a fall! - That one who haunted "rout" or ball, - When invitations were acquirable, - Should see himself as others see, - Becoming suddenly, like me, - A social "undesirable"; - Invading the selectest clique - With truly adamantine cheek! - - How proud an air I used to wear! - When titled persons turned to stare, - I blushed like a geranium. - When lovely ladies softly said: - - "Oh, Duchess, did you see his head?" - "What a capacious cranium!" - "Yes; isn't that the man who writes?" - "I wonder why they look such frights!" - - I used to bridle coyly when - Some schoolmate, of the Upper Ten - (They were not over-numerous!), - Would slap my back, and shout "By Jove! - "Ain't you a literary cove?" - (As tho' 'twere something humorous!) - "Those books of yours are grand, you bet! - What? No, I haven't read them yet." - - But now I realize my fate; - A stranger at the social gate - (Tho' treated with civility); - The choicest circles I frequent - Must be the ones my brains invent, - With fictional futility; - The only Royalties I know - Are those my publisher can show! - - The garden-party, and the tea, - Are surely not for men like me - (O Vanity of Vanities!); - Such entertainments are taboo, - - And might debase my talents to - Additional inanities. - The Poet has no business there: - _Que ferait-il dans cette galère?_ - - Ah, lonely is the Author's lot! - Assuming, if he hath it not, - A suitable humility. - For when his daily work is done, - He must inevitably shun - The homes of the Nobility, - As, with dejected steps, he passes - To supper with the middle classes! - - [Illustration: - "_I wonder why they look such frights_" - ] - - - - -_On the Decline of Gentility Among the Young_ - -(SUGGESTED BY MR. MAX BEERBOHM) - - - O youth uncouth, who slouchest by, - Along the crowded public street, - An eyeglass in thy languid eye, - Brown boots upon thy feet, - A loose umbrella in thy grip, - A toothpick pendent from thy lip. - - Much I deplore thy clumsy gait, - Thy drab sartorial display, - So wholly inappropriate - To this august highway; - How can a man in such attire - Set any spinster's heart on fire? - - Thou art in dress no epicure, - By weight of fashions overladen; - Thy tawdry togs do not allure - The soul of every maiden; - They sound no echoing color-note - To her tempestuous petticoat. - - Her stylish skirt, her dainty blouse, - Are crêpe-de-chine, or bombazine[2]; - Compare the texture of thy trous: - With _their_ chromatic sheen; - To what abysm of taste we reach - By the Observance of thy Breech! - - Think what she pays her _modiste_ for - Those hats of questionable shapes, - Surmounted by a seagull or - Some imitation grapes! - Small wonder she receives a shock - Each time she views thy "billycock"! - - Observe how like an autumn leaf - The colors of the male canary, - The garb of each New Zealand chief - Who woos his Little Maori; - The savage mind has thus designed - A dress to please its womankind. - - And tho' I would not have thee go - As far as primal man or beast, - To lovely woman thou should'st show - _Some_ deference at least, - And give a thought of what to wear - Upon the public thoroughfare. - - And should'st thou wish to walk aright, - Let Mr. Beerbohm be thy mould; - Sedate yet courtly, and polite - As any beau of old; - Yea, plant thy footsteps in the tracks - Of our inimitable Max! - - Enclose thy larynx in a stock - (As though afflicted with the fever); - And in the place of "billycock" - Procure a bristling "beaver"; - And practise, not I hope in vain, - The "conduct of a clouded cane." - - If thou consentest thus to act, - In scorn of popular convention, - Thy bearing shall indeed attract - Much feminine attention; - As day by day, in brilliant hue, - Thy figure fills Fifth Avenue. - - [2] Impossible.--Publishers' Reader. - These ones were.--H. G. - - [Illustration: - "_Small wonder she receives a shock each time she views - thy billycock_" - ] - - - - -"_Lochinvar_" - -(WITH APOLOGIES TO SCOTT AND SWINBURNE) - - - When the shadow-shapes shone like a shaddock, - Where the sunset had kissed them to flame, - On his palfrey, the pick of the paddock, - With his sword in its scabbard, he came! - In the glamour of amorous passion - He would blaze like a seasoned cigar; - And he fought in a similar fashion, - Did Young Lochinvar! - - By the fences and fens unaffrighted, - And unstopt by the stream in its spate, - In a lather, at last, he alighted, - And he knocked at the Netherbys' gate. - 'Twas too late! (As he doubtless had dreaded.) - He perceived his particular "star" - To a blackguard about to be wedded, - Did Young Lochinvar! - - But he passed through the portal so proudly - To the room where the gifts were displayed, - That old Netherby called to him loudly - (For the bridegroom, poor fool, was afraid). - "Is it blood you are bent upon shedding? - With a murder this marriage to mar? - Or to waltz do you wish at the wedding, - My Young Lochinvar?" - - He replied, "Tho' 'twere useless to smother - My love for the maid at your side; - Tho' my Helen be bound to another, - I shall trust to the turn of the tied. - As I drink to her squint and her freckles, - I'll remark how few ladies there are - Who would shrink from a share of the shekels - Of Young Lochinvar." - - Then he pledged her in port, so politely - (Tho' her mother lamented his taste), - And she smiled at him ever so slightly, - As he settled his arm round her waist. - When he drew her direct to the dancers, - The Bohemian band struck a bar, - And she found herself leading the Lancers - With Young Lochinvar! - - Oh, the beauty and grace are so vivid - Of this perfectly parallel pair, - That the parents grow purple and livid, - And the bridegroom is tearing his hair; - While the bridesmaids talk ten to the dozen, - Saying: "Goodness, what gabies we are, - Not to marry our exquisite cousin - To Young Lochinvar!" - - Then the girl by her partner is beckoned - To the door, where a charger they find; - To the saddle he springs in a second, - And he lifts her up lightly behind; - "She is mine!" he announces, adjourning - To the distant horizon afar, - "Till the cattle to roost are returning!"[3] - Says Young Lochinvar. - - O the tumult! The tumbling of tables! - O the stress of the scene that succeeds! - O the stir on the stairs,--in the stables! - O the stamping and saddling of steeds! - But the bride has eluded them surely; - In the room of some kind Registrar, - She is now being wedded securely - To Young Lochinvar! - - [3] "Till the cows come home": an old English saying, denoting - eternity. - - [Illustration: - "'_She is mine!' he announces, adjourning To the - distant horizon afar_" - ] - - - - -_Abbreviation's Artful Aid_ - - - The Bard, at times - Is stumped for rhymes, - Without the least excuse. - He can defy - Such moments by - Abbreviation's use, - And gain the grat: - Of friend or neighb: - Without an at: - Of extra lab: - - So simp: a rule - May seem pecul: - And make the crit: indig: - What matter if - The scans: is diff: - The meaning too ambig:? - The net result, - Lacon: and punct: - Is worth a mult: - Of needless unct: - - We long for sile: - From folks who pile - Their worldly Pel: on Oss: - Extremely nox: - And quite intox: - By their exhub: verbos: - We curse their imp: - In manner dras: - And fail to symp: - With their loquac: - - In House of Rep: - Applause is tep: - For periphrastic Pol: - Reviewers sniff - At auth: prolif: - With semiannual vol: - But we can pard: - However peev: - The minor bard - Who will abbrev: - - With pen and ink - In close propinq: - The Poet, lucky fell:! - Avoiding troub: - May give his pub: - The cred: for some intell: - And like an orph: - In pose recumb: - In arms of Morph: - Securely slumb: - - Let corks explode: - With brand: and sod: - Ye wearers of the mot:! - Decant the cham: - (What matt: the dam:?) - And empt: the flowing bott:! - And ne'er surren: - The Laureate's palm, - His haunch of ven: - And butt of Malm:! - - - - -_Author's Aftword_ - - - How I have labored, night and day, - Just like the hero of a novel, - To drive the hungry wolf away - From my baronial hovel, - To keep the bailiffs from my home, - By finishing this bulky tome. - - To such a trying mental strain - My intellect is far from fitted, - Tho' if I had an ounce more brain - I should be quite half-witted, - And when I wander in my mind - I am most difficult to find. - - The sort of life for which I care - Is one combining Peace and Plenty - With _laisser aller_, _laisser faire_, - And _dolce far niente_. - (The heart of ev'ry Bridge-fiend jumps: - _Dolce_ ... 'tis sweet to make "No Trumps.") - - I shrink from work in any shape,-- - Too clearly do these pages show it,-- - But work is what one can't escape - And be a Minor Poet; - And critics I may well defy - To find a minor bard than I. - - I ought to live out 'Frisco way, - Where working is considered silly, - As Greeley (Horace) used to say,-- - Or was it Collier (Willie)?-- - "Go West, young man" (I understand), - "Go West and blow up with the land!" - - Were I as full of zeal and fun - As Balzac, who could drudge so gaily, - Or diligent as Peter Dunne, - I might accomplish daily - An ode of Pleasure or of Passion - In Ella Wheeler Wilcox fashion; - - But, as it is, I sit and toil, - Consuming time and ink and curses - And pints of precious midnight oil - To perpetrate these verses. - If _writing_ them be dull indeed, - Alas! what must they be to _read_! - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Misrepresentative Women, by Harry Graham - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MISREPRESENTATIVE WOMEN *** - -***** This file should be named 42407-8.txt or 42407-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/2/4/0/42407/ - -Produced by Mark C. 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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Misrepresentative Women - -Author: Harry Graham - -Illustrator: Dan Sayre Groesbeck - -Release Date: March 24, 2013 [EBook #42407] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MISREPRESENTATIVE WOMEN *** - - - - -Produced by Mark C. Orton, Matthew Wheaton and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -book was produced from scanned images of public domain -material from the Google Print project.) - - - - - - -</pre> - +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 42407 ***</div> <div class="figcenter"> <img src="images/cover.jpg" width="400" height="497" alt="" /> @@ -1908,387 +1868,6 @@ eternity.</p></div> <div class="verse00">Alas! what must they be to <em>read</em>!</div> </div></div> - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Misrepresentative Women, by Harry Graham - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MISREPRESENTATIVE WOMEN *** - -***** This file should be named 42407-h.htm or 42407-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/2/4/0/42407/ - -Produced by Mark C. Orton, Matthew Wheaton and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -book was produced from scanned images of public domain -material from the Google Print project.) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, -set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to -copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to -protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project -Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you -charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you -do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the -rules is very easy. 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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Misrepresentative Women - -Author: Harry Graham - -Illustrator: Dan Sayre Groesbeck - -Release Date: March 24, 2013 [EBook #42407] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MISREPRESENTATIVE WOMEN *** - - - - -Produced by Mark C. Orton, Matthew Wheaton and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -book was produced from scanned images of public domain -material from the Google Print project.) - - - - - - - - _Misrepresentative Women_ - - [Illustration: - "_For long with horror she has viewed - The naked Truth for being nude_" - ] - - - - - MISREPRESENTATIVE WOMEN - - By HARRY GRAHAM - - - _Author of "Misrepresentative Men" - and "More Misrepresentative Men"_ - - ILLUSTRATED BY - DAN SAYRE GROESBECK - - NEW YORK - DUFFIELD & COMPANY - MCMVI - - - COPYRGHT, 1906, BY - DUFFIELD & COMPANY - _Published, September, 1906_ - - THE TROW PRESS, NEW YORK - - - - - _Contents_ - - - PAGE - PUBLISHERS' PREFACE 7 - EVE 13 - LADY GODIVA 19 - MISS MARIE CORELLI 27 - MRS. MARY BAKER EDDY 35 - MRS. GRUNDY 41 - MRS. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS 49 - DAME RUMOR 57 - THE CRY OF THE CHILDREN 63 - THE CRY OF THE ELDERS 71 - AN EPITHALAMIUM 79 - THE SELF-MADE FATHER TO HIS READY-MADE SON 85 - THE AUTHOR TO HIS HOSTESS 91 - ON THE DECLINE OF GENTILITY AMONG THE YOUNG 97 - "LOCHINVAR" 103 - ABBREVIATION'S ARTFUL AID 111 - AUTHOR'S AFTWORD 117 - - - - _List of Illustrations_ - - - "_Far long with horror she has viewed The naked Truth - for being nude_" FRONTISPIECE - - FACING PAGE - - "_Gentle Reader, who so patiently have waited_" _10_ - - "_Her wardrobe, though extremely small, sufficed a somewhat - simple need_" _14_ - - "_At the Heart of her spouse she continued to storm_" _20_ - - "_Were she to mingle with her ink a little milk of human - kindness_" _28_ - - "_And so be daily left her side to travel o'er the ocean - far_" _50_ - - "_Where the spinsters at tea are collected, her arrival - is bailed with delight_" _58_ - - "_He is yearning for the chance of reading Gibbon_" _64_ - - "_How glad the happy pair must be that Hymen's bonds have - set them free_" _80_ - - "_I wonder why they look such frights_" _92_ - - "_Small wonder she receives a shock each time she views - thy billycock_" _98_ - - "_'She is mine!' he announces, adjourning to the distant - horizon afar_" _104_ - - - - -_Publishers' Preface_ - - - Gentle Reader, who so patiently have waited - For such viands as your poet can provide, - (Which, as critics have occasionally stated, - Must be trying to a delicate inside,) - Once again are opportunities afforded - Of a banquet, or a _dejeuner_ at least, - Once again your toleration is rewarded - By a literary feast! - - You may think that Rudyard Kipling's work is stronger, - Or that Chaucer's may be rather more mature; - Byron's lyrics are indubitably longer, - Robert Browning's just a trifle more obscure; - But 'tis certain that no poems are politer, - Or more fitted for perusal in the home, - Than the verses of the unassuming writer - Of this memorable tome! - - Austin Dobson is a daintier performer, - Andrew Lang is far more scholarly and wise, - Mr. Swinburne can, of course, be somewhat warmer, - Alfred Austin more amusing, if he tries; - But there's no one in the world (and well you know it!) - Who can emulate the bard of whom we speak, - For the literary methods of _our_ poet - Are admittedly unique! - - Tho' he shows no sort of penitence at breaking - Ev'ry rule of English grammar and of style, - (Not a rhyme is too atrocious for his making, - Not a metre for his purpose is too vile!) - Tho' his treatment is essentially destructive, - And his taste a thing that no one can admire, - There is something incontestably seductive - In the music of his lyre! - - Gentle Reader, some apologies are needed - For depositing this volume on your desk, - Since the author has undoubtedly exceeded - All the limits of legitimate burlesque, - And we look with very genuine affection - To a Public who, for better or for worse, - Will relieve us of this villainous collection - Of abominable verse! - - [Illustration: - "_Gentle Reader, who so patiently have waited_" - ] - - - - -_Eve_ - - - I always love to picture Eve, - Whatever captious critics say, - As one who was, as I believe, - The nicest woman of her day; - Attractive to the outward view, - And such a perfect _lady_ too! - - Unselfish,--that one can't dispute, - Recalling her intense delight, - When she acquired some novel fruit, - In giving all her friends a bite; - Her very troubles she would share - With those who happened to be there. - - Her wardrobe, though extremely small, - Sufficed a somewhat simple need; - She was, if anything at all, - A trifle _under_dressed, indeed, - And never visited a play - In headgear known as "matinee." - - Possessing but a single _beau_, - With only one _affaire de c[oe]ur_, - She promptly married, as we know, - The man who first proposed to her; - Not for his title or his pelf, - But simply for his own sweet self. - - He loved her madly, at first sight; - His callow heart was quite upset; - He thought her nearly, if not quite, - The sweetest soul he'd ever met; - She found him charming--for a man, - And so their young romance began. - - Their wedding was a trifle tame-- - A purely family affair-- - No guests were asked, no pressmen came - To interview the happy pair; - No crowds of curious strangers bored them, - The "Eden Journal" quite ignored them. - - They had the failings of their class, - The faults and foibles of the youthful; - She was inquisitive, alas! - And he was--not exactly truthful; - But never was there man or woman - So truly, so intensely _human_! - - And, hand in hand, from day to day, - They lived and labored, man and wife; - Together hewed their common way - Along the rugged path of Life; - Remaining, though the seasons pass'd, - Friends, lovers, to the very last. - - So, side by side, they shared, these two, - The sorrow and the joys of living; - The Man, devoted, tender, true, - The Woman, patient and forgiving; - Their common toil, their common weather, - But drew them closelier still together. - - And if they ever chanced to grieve, - Enduring loss, or suff'ring pain, - You may be certain it was Eve - Brought comfort to their hearts again; - If they were happy, well I know, - It was the Woman made them so. - - * * * * * - - And though the anthropologist - May mention, in his tactless way, - That Adam's weaknesses exist - Among our modern Men to-day, - In Women we may still perceive - The virtues of their Mother Eve! - - [Illustration: - "_Her wardrobe, though extremely small, sufficed a - somewhat simple need_" - ] - - - - -_Lady Godiva_ - - - In the old town of Coventry, so people say, - Dwelt a Peer who was utterly lacking in pity; - Universally loathed for the rigorous way - That he burdened the rates of the City. - By his merciless methods of petty taxation, - The poor were reduced to the verge of starvation. - - But the Earl had a wife, whom the people adored, - For her kindness of heart even more than her beauty, - And her pitiless lord she besought and implored - To remit this extortionate "duty"; - But he answered: "My dear, pray reflect at your leisure, - What _you_ deem a 'duty,' to _me_ is a pleasure!" - - At the heart of her spouse she continued to storm, - And she closed her entreaties, one day, by exclaiming:-- - "If you take off the tax, I will gladly perform - Any task that you like to be naming!" - "Well, if that be the case," said the nobleman, "I've a - Good mind just to test you, my Lady Godiva! - - "To your wishes, my dear, I will straight acquiesce, - On the single condition--I give you fair warning-- - That you ride through the City, at noon, in the dress - That you wear in your bath of a morning!" - "Very well!" she replied. "Be it so! Though you drive a - Hard bargain, my lord," said the Lady Godiva. - - So she slipped off her gown, and her shoulders lay bare, - Gleaming white like the moon on Aonian fountains; - When about them she loosened her curtain of hair, - 'Twas like Night coming over the mountains! - And she blushed, 'neath the veil of her wonderful tresses, - As blushes the Morn 'neath the Sun's first caresses! - - Then she went to the stable and saddled her steed, - Who erected his ears, till he looked like a rabbit, - He was somewhat surprised, as he might be, indeed, - At the lady's unusual "habit"; - But allowed her to mount in the masculine way, - For he couldn't say "No," and he wouldn't say "Neigh!" - - So she rode through the town, in the heat of the sun, - For the weather was (luckily) warm as the Tropics, - And the people all drew down their blinds--except one, - On the staff of the local "Town Topics." - (Such misconduct produced in the eyes of this vile one - A cataract nearly as large as the Nile one!) - - Then Godiva returned, and the Earl had to yield, - (And the paralyzed pressman dictated his cable;) - The tax was remitted, the bells were repealed, - And the horse was returned to the stable; - While banners were waved from each possible quarter, - Except from the flat of the stricken reporter. - - Now the Moral is this--if I've fathomed the tale - (Though it needs a more delicate pen to explain it):-- - You can get whatsoever you want, without fail, - If you'll sacrifice _all_ to obtain it. - You should _try_ to avoid unconventional capers, - And be sure you don't write for Society papers. - - [Illustration: - "_At the heart of her spouse she continued to storm_" - ] - - - - -_Miss Marie Corelli_ - - - A very Woman among Men! - Her paeans, sung in ev'ry quarter, - Almost persuade Le Gallienne - To go and get his hair cut shorter; - When Kipling hears her trumpet-note - He longs to don a petticoat. - - Her praise is sung by old or young, - From Happy Hampstead to Hoboken, - Where'er old England's mother-tongue - Is (ungrammatically) spoken: - In that supremely simple set - Which loves the penny novelette. - - When Anglo-Saxon peoples kneel - Before their literary idol, - It makes all rival authors feel - Depressed and almost suicidal; - They cannot reach within a mile - Of her sublime suburban style. - - Her modest, unobtrusive ways, - In sunny Stratford's guide-books graven, - Her brilliance, lighting with its rays - The birthplace of the Swan of Avon, - Must cause the Bard as deep a pain - As his resemblance to Hall Caine. - - Mere ordinary mortals ask, - With no desire for picking quarrels, - Who gave her the congenial task - Of judging other people's morals? - Who bade her flay her fellow-men - With such a frankly feline pen? - - And one may seek, and seek in vain. - The social set she loves to mention, - Those offspring of her fertile brain, - Those creatures of her fond invention. - (She is, or so it would appear, - Unlucky in her friends, poor dear!) - - For tho', like her, they feel the sway - Of claptrap sentimental glamour, - And frequently, like her, give way - To lapses from our English grammar, - The victims of her diatribes - Are not the least as she describes. - - To restaurants they seldom go, - Just for the sake of over-eating; - While ladies don't play bridge, you know, - Entirely for the sake of cheating; - And husbands can be quite nice men, - And wives _are_ faithful, now and then. - - Were she to mingle with her ink - A little milk of human kindness, - She would not join, I dare to think, - To chronic social color-blindness - An outlook bigoted and narrow - As that of some provincial sparrow. - - But still, perhaps, it might affect - Her literary circulation, - If she were tempted to neglect - Her talent for vituperation; - Since work of this peculiar kind - Delights the groundling's curious mind. - - For while, of course, from day to day, - Her popularity increases, - As, in an artless sort of way, - She tears Society to pieces, - Her sense of humor, so they tell us, - Makes even Alfred Austin jealous! - - Yet even bumpkins, by and by, - (Such is the spread of education) - May view with cold, phlegmatic eye - The fruits of her imagination, - And learn to temper their devotion - With slight, if adequate, emotion. - - * * * * * - - Dear Miss Corelli:--Should your eyes - Peruse this page ('tis my ambition!), - Be sure that I apologize - In any suitable position - For having weakly imitated - The style that you yourself created. - - I cannot fancy to attain - To heights of personal invective - Which you, with subtler pen and brain, - Have learnt to render so effective; - I follow dimly in your trail; - Forgive me, therefore, if I fail! - - [Illustration: - "_Were she to mingle with her ink - A little milk of human kindness_" - ] - - - - -_Mrs. Mary Baker Eddy_ - - - Have you a pain all down your back? - A feeling of intense prostration? - Are you anaemic, for the lack - Of proper circulation? - With bloodshot eye and hand unsteady? - Pray send at once for Mrs. Eddy. - - The Saint and Prophetess is she - Of what is known as Christian Science; - And you can lean on Mrs. E. - With absolute reliance; - For she will shortly make it plain - That there is no such thing as pain. - - The varied ailments on your list - Which cause you such extreme vexation - Are nothing more, she will insist, - Than mere imagination. - 'Tis so with illness or disease; - Nothing exists ... except her fees! - - A friend of mine had not been taught - This doctrine, I regret to say. - He fell downstairs, or so he thought, - And broke his neck, one day. - Had Mrs. Eddy come along, - She could have shown him he was wrong. - - She could have told him (or his wraith) - That stairs and necks have no existence, - That persons with sufficient faith - Can fall from any distance, - And that he wasn't in the least - What local papers called "deceased." - - Of ills to which the flesh is heir - She is decidedly disdainful; - But once, or so her friends declare, - Her teeth became so painful - That, tho' she knew they couldn't be, - She had them taken out, to see. - - Afflictions of the lame or halt, - Which other people view with terror, - To her denote some moral fault, - Some form of mental error. - While doctors probe or amputate, - She simply heals you while you wait. - - My brother, whom you may have seen, - Possessed a limp, a very slight one; - His leg, the left, had always been - Much shorter than the right one; - But Mrs. Eddy came his way, - And ... well, just look at him to-day! - - At healing she had grown so deft - That when she finished with my brother, - His crippled leg, I mean the left, - Was _longer_ than the other! - And now he's praying, day and night, - For faith to lengthen out the right. - - So let it be our chief concern - To set diseases at defiance, - Contriving, as the truths we learn - Of so-called Christian Science, - To live from illnesses exempt,-- - Or else to die in the attempt! - - - - -_Mrs. Grundy_ - - - When lovely Woman stoops to smoke - (A vice in which she often glories), - Or sees the somewhat doubtful joke - In after-dinner stories, - Who is it to her bedroom rushes - To hide the fervor of her blushes? - - When Susan's skirt's a trifle short, - Or Mary's manner rather skittish, - Who is it, with a fretful snort - (So typically British), - Emits prolonged and startled cries, - Suggestive of a pained surprise? - - Who is it, tell me, in effect, - Who loves to centre her attentions - On all who wilfully neglect - Society's conventions, - And seems eternally imbued - With saponaceous rectitude? - - 'Tis Mrs. Grundy, deaf and blind - To anything the least romantic, - Combining with a narrow mind - A point of view pedantic, - Since no one in the world can stop her - From thinking ev'rything improper. - - The picture or the marble bust - At any public exhibition - Evokes her unconcealed disgust - And rouses her suspicion, - If human forms are shown to us - _In puris naturalibus_. - - The bare, in any sense or shape. - She looks upon as wrong or faulty; - Piano-legs she likes to drape, - If they are too decoll'te; - For long with horror she has viewed - The naked Truth, for being nude. - - On modern manners that efface - The formal modes of introduction - She is at once prepared to place - The very worst construction,-- - And frowns, suspicious and sardonic, - On friendships that are termed Platonic. - - The English restaurants must close - At twelve o'clock at night on Sunday, - To suit (or so we may suppose) - The taste of Mrs. Grundy; - On week-days, thirty minutes later, - Ejected guests revile the waiter. - - A sense of humor she would vote - The sign of mental dissipations; - She scorns whatever might promote - The gaiety of nations; - Of lawful fun she seems no fonder - Than of the noxious _dooblontonder_! - - And if you wish to make her blench - And snap her teeth together tightly, - Say something in Parisian French, - And close one optic slightly. - "Rien ne va plus! Enfin, alors!" - She leaves the room and slams the door! - - O Mrs. Grundy, do, I beg, - To false conclusions cease from rushing, - And learn to name the human leg - Without profusely blushing! - No longer be (don't think me rude) - That unalluring thing, the prude! - - No more patrol the world, I pray, - In search of trifling social errors, - Let "What will Mrs. Grundy say?" - No longer have its terrors; - Leave diatribe and objurgation - To Mrs. Chant and Carrie Nation! - - - - -_Mrs. Christopher Columbus_ - - - The bride grows pale beneath her veil, - The matron, for the nonce, is dumb, - Who listens to the tragic tale - Of Mrs. Christopher Columb: - Who lived and died (so says report) - A widow of the herbal sort. - - Her husband upon canvas wings - Would brave the Ocean, tempest-tost; - He had a cult for finding things - Which nobody had ever lost, - And Mrs. C. grew almost frantic - When he discovered the Atlantic. - - But nothing she could do or say - Would keep her Christopher at home; - Without delay he sailed away - Across what poets call "the foam," - While neighbors murmured, "What a shame!" - And wished their husbands did the same. - - He ventured on the highest C's - That reared their heads above the bar, - Knowing the compass and the quays - Like any operatic star; - And funny friends who watched him do so - Would call him "Robinson Caruso." - - But Mrs. C. remained indoors, - And poked the fire and wound the clocks, - Amused the children, scrubbed the floors, - Or darned her absent husband's socks. - (For she was far too sweet and wise - To darn the great explorer's eyes.) - - And when she chanced to look around - At all the couples she had known, - And realized how few had found - A home as peaceful as her own, - She saw how pleasant it may be - To wed a chronic absentee. - - Her husband's absence she enjoyed, - Nor ever asked him where he went, - Thinking him harmlessly employed - Discovering some Continent. - Had he been always in, no doubt, - Some day she would have found him out. - - And so he daily left her side - To travel o'er the ocean far, - And she who, like the bard, had tried - To "hitch her wagon to a star," - Though she was harnessed to a comet, - Got lots of satisfaction from it. - - To him returning from the West - She proved a perfect anti-dote, - Who loosed his Armour (beef compress'd) - And sprayed his "automobile throat"; - His health she kept a jealous eye on, - And played PerUna to his lion! - - And when she got him home again, - And so could wear the jewels rare - Which Isabella, Queen of Spain, - Entrusted to her husband's care, - Her monetary wealth was "far - Beyond the dreams of caviar!" - - * * * * * - - A melancholy thing it is - How few have known or understood - The manifold advantages - Of such herbaceous widowhood! - (What is it ruins married lives - But husbands ... not to mention wives?) - - O wedded couples of to-day, - Pray take these principles to heart, - And copy the Columbian way - Of living happily apart. - And so, to you, at any rate, - Shall marriage be a "blessed state." - - [Illustration: - "_And so he daily left her side - To travel o'er the ocean far_" - ] - - - - -_Dame Rumor_ - - - I should like to remark that Dame Rumor - Is the most unalluring of jades. - She has little or no sense of humor, - And her fables are worse than George Ade's. - (Or rather, I mean, if the reader prefers, - That the fables of Ade are much _better_ than hers!) - - Her appearance imbues one with loathing, - From her jaundiced, malevolent eyes - To the tinsel she cares to call clothing, - Which is merely a patchwork of lies. - For her garments are such that a child could see through, - And her blouse (need I add?) is the famed Peek-a-boo! - - She is wholly devoid of discretion, - She is utterly wanting in tact, - She's a gossip by trade and profession, - And she much prefers fiction to fact. - She is seldom veracious, and always unkind, - And she moves to and fro with the speed of the wind. - - She resembles the men who ('tis fabled) - Tumble into the Packingtown vats, - Who are boiled there, and bottled, and labelled - For the tables of true democrats: - Pickled souls who are canned for the public to buy, - And (like her) have a finger in every pie! - - With a step that is silent and stealthy, - Or an earsplitting clamor and noise, - She disturbs the repose of the wealthy, - Or the peace which the pauper enjoys. - And, however securely the doors may be shut, - She can always gain access to palace or hut. - - Where the spinsters at tea are collected, - Her arrival is hailed with delight; - She is welcomed, adored, and respected - In each newspaper office at night; - For her presence imprints an original seal - On an otherwise commonplace journal or meal. - - She has nothing in common with Virtue, - And with Truth she was never allied; - If she hasn't yet managed to hurt you, - It can't be from not having tried! - For the poison of adders is under her tongue, - And you're lucky indeed, if you've never been stung. - - Are you statesman, or author, or artist, - With a perfectly blameless career? - Are your talents and wits of the smartest, - And your conscience abnormally clear? - "He's a saint!" says Dame Rumor, and smiles like the Sphinx. - "He's a hero!" (She adds:) "What a pity he drinks!" - - Gentle Reader, keep clear of her clutches! - O beware of her voice, I entreat! - Be you journalist, dowager duchess, - Or just merely the Man in the Street. - And I beg of you not to encourage a jade - Who, if once she is started, can _never_ be stayed. - - [Illustration: - "_Where the spinsters at tea are collected, - Her arrival is hailed with delight_" - ] - - - - -_The Cry of the Children_ - - [On the subject of infant education it has been suggested that - more advantageous results might be obtained if, instead of - filling children's minds with such nonsense as fairy-tales, - stories were read to them about Julius Caesar.] - - - O my Brothers, do you hear the children weeping? - Do you note the teardrops tumbling from their eyes? - To the school-house they reluctantly are creeping, - - Discontented with the teaching it supplies. - At the quality of modern education - Little urchins may with justice look askance, - Since it panders to a child's imagination, - And encourages romance. - - Do you see that toddling baby with a bib on, - How his eyes with silent misery are dim? - He is yearning for the chance of reading Gibbon; - But his teachers give him nothing else but Grimm! - What a handicap to infantile ambition! - 'Tis enough to make the brightest bantling fume, - To be gammoned with an Andrew Lang edition, - When he longs for Hume, sweet Hume! - - See that tiny one, what boredom he expresses! - What intolerance his frequent yawns evince - Of the fairy-tales where beautiful princesses - Are delivered from a dragon by a prince! - How he curses the pedantic institution - Where he can't obtain such volumes as "Le Cid," - Or that masterpiece on "Social Evolution" - By another kind of Kidd! - - Do you hear the children weeping, O my Brothers? - They are crying for Max Mueller and Carlyle. - Tho' Hans Andersen may satisfy their mothers, - They are weary of so immature a style. - And their time is far too brief to be expended - On such nonsense as their "rude forefathers" read; - For they know the days of sentiment are ended, - And that Chivalry is dead! - - Oh remember that the pillars of the nation - Are the children that we discipline to-day; - That to give them a becoming education - You must rear them in a reasonable way! - Let us guard them from the glamour of the mystics, - Who would throw a ray of sunshine on their lives! - Let us feed each helpless atom on statistics, - And pray Heaven he survives! - - Let us cast away the out-of-date traditions, - Which our poets and romanticists have sung! - Let us sacrifice the senseless superstitions - That illuminate the fancies of the young! - If we limit our instruction to the "reals," - We may prove to ev'ry baby from the start, - The futility of cherishing ideals - In his golden little heart! - - [Illustration: - "_He is yearning for the chance of reading Gibbon_" - ] - - - - -_The Cry of the Elders_ - - [With steady but increasing pace the world is approaching a - point at which the cleverness of the young will amount to a - social problem. Already things are getting uncomfortable for - persons of age and sobriety, whose notion of happiness is to - ruminate a few solid and simple ideas in freedom from - disturbance.--_Macmillan's Magazine._] - - - O my Children, do you hear your elders sighing? - Do you wonder that senility should find - Your encyclopaedic knowledge somewhat trying - To the ordinary mind? - In the heyday of a former generation, - Some respect for our intelligence was shown; - And it's hard for us to cotton - To the fact that _you've_ forgotten - More than _we_ have ever known! - - O my Children, do you hear your elders snoring, - When the "chassis" of your motors you discuss? - Do you wonder that your "shop" is rather boring - To such simple souls as us?[1] - Do you marvel that your dreary conversation - Should evoke the yawns that "lie too deep for tears," - When you lecture to your betters - About "tanks" and "carburettors," - About "sparking-plugs" and "gears"? - - O my Children, in the season of your nonage, - (Which delightful days no longer now exist!) - We could join with other fogeys of our own age - In a quiet game of whist. - _Now_, at bridge, our very experts are defeated - By some beardless but impertinent young cub, - Who converts our silent table - To a very Tow'r of Babel, - At the Knickerbocker Club! - - O my Children, we no longer are respected! - 'Tis a fact we older fellows must deplore, - Whose opinions and whose judgments are neglected, - As they never were before. - We may tender good advice to our descendants; - We may offer them our money, if we will; - Lo, the one shall be forsaken, - And the other shall be taken - (Like the women at the mill!). - - O my Children, note the moral (like a kernel) - I have hidden in the centre of my song! - Do not contradict a relative maternal, - If she happens to be wrong! - Be indulgent to the author of your being; - Never show him the contempt that you must feel; - Treat him tolerantly, rather, - Since a man who is _your_ father - Can't be wholly imbecile! - - O my Children, we, the older generation, - At whose feet you ought (in theory) to sit, - Are bewildered by your mental penetration, - We are dazzled by your wit! - But we hopefully anticipate a future - When the airship shall replace the motor-'bus, - And _your_ children, when they meet you, - Shall inevitably treat you - Just as you are treating us! - - [1] "As us" is not grammar.--Publishers' Reader. - "As we" is not verse.--H. G. - - - - -_An Epithalamium_ - -LONGWORTH--ROOSEVELT, FEBRUARY 17TH, 1906 - - - Hail, bride and bridegroom of the West! - Your troth irrevocably plighted! - Your act of Union doubly blest, - Your single States United, - With full approval and assent - Of populace and President! - - Let Spangled Banners wave on high, - To greet the maiden as she passes! - See how the proud Proconsul's eye - Grows dim behind his glasses! - How fond the heart that beats beneath - Those pleated Presidential teeth! - - The bishop has received his cheque, - The final slipper has been thrown; - With rice down each respective neck, - The couple stand alone. - To them, at last, the fates provide - A privacy so long denied. - - Letters and wires, from near and far, - Lie thickly piled on ev'ry table; - The peaceful message from the Czar, - The Kaiser's kindly cable; - The well-expressed congratulations - From Heads of all the Sister Nations. - - Rich gifts, as countless as the sand - That cloaks the desert of Sahara, - From fish-slice to piano (grand), - From toast-rack to tiara, - Still overwhelm the lucky maid - (With heavy duties to be paid!). - - See, hand-in-hand, the couple stand! - (The guests their homeward journey take, - Concealing their emotion--and - Some lumps of wedding cake!) - How glad the happy pair must be - That Hymen's bonds have set them free! - - Free of the curious Yellow Press, - Free of the public's prying gaze, - Of all the troubles that obsess - The path of fiances! - Alone at last, and safely screen'd - From onslaughts of the kodak-fiend! - - The Bride, who bore without demur - The wiles of artists photographic, - Of vulgar crowds that gaped at her, - Congesting all the traffic, - Can shop, once more, in perfect peace, - Without the help of the police. - - Arrayed in stylish trav'lling dress, - Behold, with blushes she departs! - The free Republican Princess - A captive Queen of Hearts! - (Captive to Cupid, need I say? - But Queen in ev'ry other way!) - - And this must surely be the hour - For Anglo-Saxons, ev'rywhere, - With cousinly regard, to show'r - Good wishes on the pair; - Borne on the bosom of the breeze, - Our blessings speed across the seas! - - Hail, Bride and Bridegroom of the West! - (Pray pardon my redundant lyre) - May your united lives be blest - With all your hearts' desire! - Accept the warm felicitations - Of fond, if distant, blood-relations! - - [Illustration: - "_How glad the happy pair must be - That Hymen's bonds have set them free_" - ] - - - - -_The Self-Made Father to His Ready-Made Son_ - -(AN OPEN LETTER) - - - My Offspring:--Ere you raise the glass, - To irrigate your ardent throttle; - Ere once again you gladly pass - The bottle; - Take heed that your prevailing passion - Be not completely out of fashion. - - No longer does the Prodigal - Expend his nights in drunken frolic; - Or pass his days in revels al-Coholic; - For, nowadays, a glass _de trop_ - Is not considered _comme il faut_. - - No longer do the youthful fall, - Like leaf or partridge in October; - For they, if anything at all, - Are sober. - (I mean the boys,--don't be absurd! - And not the foliage or the bird.) - - No longer arm-in-arm they roam, - Despite constabulary warning, - Declaring that they won't go home - Till morning! - With bursts of bacchanalian song, - And jokes as broad as they are long. - - No more they wander to-and-fro, - Exchanging incoherent greetings-- - The kind in vogue at Caledo- - -Nian Meetings - (Behavior that we all condemn, - Especially at 3 a. m.). - - Yes; fashions change--and well they may! - No longer, at the dinner-table, - Do persons drink as much as they - Are able; - And seek the hospitable floor, - When they have drunk a trifle more. - - My nasal hue, incarnadine, - Shall not, perhaps, be wholly wasted, - If sons of mine but leave their wine - Untasted; - And vanquish, with deserving merit, - The varied vices they inherit. - - Yes, Offspring, I rejoice to think - That, shunning my example truly, - You never may be led to drink - Unduly. - It is indeed a blessed thought! - Now, will you kindly pass the port? - - - - -_The Author to His Hostess_ - -(AN OPEN LETTER) - - [Very few English men of letters enjoy a desirable social - position. To be sure, they are frequently invited to functions, - where they are treated with insistent affability by persons - belonging to the higher classes; but the sort of position to be - obtained in this way is insecure, and unpleasant to any save - those of adamantine cheek.--_Current Magazine._] - - - Dear Lady,--When you bade me come - To grace your crowded "Kettledrum," - And mingle in the best society; - When Melba sang, and Elman played, - - And waiters handed lemonade - (Tempering music with sobriety), - I never had the least suspicion - Of my precarious position. - - But now, with opened eyes, I leap - To this conclusion, shrewd and deep, - (What cerebral agility!): - Your compliments were insincere, - Your hospitality was mere - "Insistent affability!" - And I, a foolish man of letters, - Who thought to mingle with his betters! - - Ah me! How pride precedes a fall! - That one who haunted "rout" or ball, - When invitations were acquirable, - Should see himself as others see, - Becoming suddenly, like me, - A social "undesirable"; - Invading the selectest clique - With truly adamantine cheek! - - How proud an air I used to wear! - When titled persons turned to stare, - I blushed like a geranium. - When lovely ladies softly said: - - "Oh, Duchess, did you see his head?" - "What a capacious cranium!" - "Yes; isn't that the man who writes?" - "I wonder why they look such frights!" - - I used to bridle coyly when - Some schoolmate, of the Upper Ten - (They were not over-numerous!), - Would slap my back, and shout "By Jove! - "Ain't you a literary cove?" - (As tho' 'twere something humorous!) - "Those books of yours are grand, you bet! - What? No, I haven't read them yet." - - But now I realize my fate; - A stranger at the social gate - (Tho' treated with civility); - The choicest circles I frequent - Must be the ones my brains invent, - With fictional futility; - The only Royalties I know - Are those my publisher can show! - - The garden-party, and the tea, - Are surely not for men like me - (O Vanity of Vanities!); - Such entertainments are taboo, - - And might debase my talents to - Additional inanities. - The Poet has no business there: - _Que ferait-il dans cette galere?_ - - Ah, lonely is the Author's lot! - Assuming, if he hath it not, - A suitable humility. - For when his daily work is done, - He must inevitably shun - The homes of the Nobility, - As, with dejected steps, he passes - To supper with the middle classes! - - [Illustration: - "_I wonder why they look such frights_" - ] - - - - -_On the Decline of Gentility Among the Young_ - -(SUGGESTED BY MR. MAX BEERBOHM) - - - O youth uncouth, who slouchest by, - Along the crowded public street, - An eyeglass in thy languid eye, - Brown boots upon thy feet, - A loose umbrella in thy grip, - A toothpick pendent from thy lip. - - Much I deplore thy clumsy gait, - Thy drab sartorial display, - So wholly inappropriate - To this august highway; - How can a man in such attire - Set any spinster's heart on fire? - - Thou art in dress no epicure, - By weight of fashions overladen; - Thy tawdry togs do not allure - The soul of every maiden; - They sound no echoing color-note - To her tempestuous petticoat. - - Her stylish skirt, her dainty blouse, - Are crepe-de-chine, or bombazine[2]; - Compare the texture of thy trous: - With _their_ chromatic sheen; - To what abysm of taste we reach - By the Observance of thy Breech! - - Think what she pays her _modiste_ for - Those hats of questionable shapes, - Surmounted by a seagull or - Some imitation grapes! - Small wonder she receives a shock - Each time she views thy "billycock"! - - Observe how like an autumn leaf - The colors of the male canary, - The garb of each New Zealand chief - Who woos his Little Maori; - The savage mind has thus designed - A dress to please its womankind. - - And tho' I would not have thee go - As far as primal man or beast, - To lovely woman thou should'st show - _Some_ deference at least, - And give a thought of what to wear - Upon the public thoroughfare. - - And should'st thou wish to walk aright, - Let Mr. Beerbohm be thy mould; - Sedate yet courtly, and polite - As any beau of old; - Yea, plant thy footsteps in the tracks - Of our inimitable Max! - - Enclose thy larynx in a stock - (As though afflicted with the fever); - And in the place of "billycock" - Procure a bristling "beaver"; - And practise, not I hope in vain, - The "conduct of a clouded cane." - - If thou consentest thus to act, - In scorn of popular convention, - Thy bearing shall indeed attract - Much feminine attention; - As day by day, in brilliant hue, - Thy figure fills Fifth Avenue. - - [2] Impossible.--Publishers' Reader. - These ones were.--H. G. - - [Illustration: - "_Small wonder she receives a shock each time she views - thy billycock_" - ] - - - - -"_Lochinvar_" - -(WITH APOLOGIES TO SCOTT AND SWINBURNE) - - - When the shadow-shapes shone like a shaddock, - Where the sunset had kissed them to flame, - On his palfrey, the pick of the paddock, - With his sword in its scabbard, he came! - In the glamour of amorous passion - He would blaze like a seasoned cigar; - And he fought in a similar fashion, - Did Young Lochinvar! - - By the fences and fens unaffrighted, - And unstopt by the stream in its spate, - In a lather, at last, he alighted, - And he knocked at the Netherbys' gate. - 'Twas too late! (As he doubtless had dreaded.) - He perceived his particular "star" - To a blackguard about to be wedded, - Did Young Lochinvar! - - But he passed through the portal so proudly - To the room where the gifts were displayed, - That old Netherby called to him loudly - (For the bridegroom, poor fool, was afraid). - "Is it blood you are bent upon shedding? - With a murder this marriage to mar? - Or to waltz do you wish at the wedding, - My Young Lochinvar?" - - He replied, "Tho' 'twere useless to smother - My love for the maid at your side; - Tho' my Helen be bound to another, - I shall trust to the turn of the tied. - As I drink to her squint and her freckles, - I'll remark how few ladies there are - Who would shrink from a share of the shekels - Of Young Lochinvar." - - Then he pledged her in port, so politely - (Tho' her mother lamented his taste), - And she smiled at him ever so slightly, - As he settled his arm round her waist. - When he drew her direct to the dancers, - The Bohemian band struck a bar, - And she found herself leading the Lancers - With Young Lochinvar! - - Oh, the beauty and grace are so vivid - Of this perfectly parallel pair, - That the parents grow purple and livid, - And the bridegroom is tearing his hair; - While the bridesmaids talk ten to the dozen, - Saying: "Goodness, what gabies we are, - Not to marry our exquisite cousin - To Young Lochinvar!" - - Then the girl by her partner is beckoned - To the door, where a charger they find; - To the saddle he springs in a second, - And he lifts her up lightly behind; - "She is mine!" he announces, adjourning - To the distant horizon afar, - "Till the cattle to roost are returning!"[3] - Says Young Lochinvar. - - O the tumult! The tumbling of tables! - O the stress of the scene that succeeds! - O the stir on the stairs,--in the stables! - O the stamping and saddling of steeds! - But the bride has eluded them surely; - In the room of some kind Registrar, - She is now being wedded securely - To Young Lochinvar! - - [3] "Till the cows come home": an old English saying, denoting - eternity. - - [Illustration: - "'_She is mine!' he announces, adjourning To the - distant horizon afar_" - ] - - - - -_Abbreviation's Artful Aid_ - - - The Bard, at times - Is stumped for rhymes, - Without the least excuse. - He can defy - Such moments by - Abbreviation's use, - And gain the grat: - Of friend or neighb: - Without an at: - Of extra lab: - - So simp: a rule - May seem pecul: - And make the crit: indig: - What matter if - The scans: is diff: - The meaning too ambig:? - The net result, - Lacon: and punct: - Is worth a mult: - Of needless unct: - - We long for sile: - From folks who pile - Their worldly Pel: on Oss: - Extremely nox: - And quite intox: - By their exhub: verbos: - We curse their imp: - In manner dras: - And fail to symp: - With their loquac: - - In House of Rep: - Applause is tep: - For periphrastic Pol: - Reviewers sniff - At auth: prolif: - With semiannual vol: - But we can pard: - However peev: - The minor bard - Who will abbrev: - - With pen and ink - In close propinq: - The Poet, lucky fell:! - Avoiding troub: - May give his pub: - The cred: for some intell: - And like an orph: - In pose recumb: - In arms of Morph: - Securely slumb: - - Let corks explode: - With brand: and sod: - Ye wearers of the mot:! - Decant the cham: - (What matt: the dam:?) - And empt: the flowing bott:! - And ne'er surren: - The Laureate's palm, - His haunch of ven: - And butt of Malm:! - - - - -_Author's Aftword_ - - - How I have labored, night and day, - Just like the hero of a novel, - To drive the hungry wolf away - From my baronial hovel, - To keep the bailiffs from my home, - By finishing this bulky tome. - - To such a trying mental strain - My intellect is far from fitted, - Tho' if I had an ounce more brain - I should be quite half-witted, - And when I wander in my mind - I am most difficult to find. - - The sort of life for which I care - Is one combining Peace and Plenty - With _laisser aller_, _laisser faire_, - And _dolce far niente_. - (The heart of ev'ry Bridge-fiend jumps: - _Dolce_ ... 'tis sweet to make "No Trumps.") - - I shrink from work in any shape,-- - Too clearly do these pages show it,-- - But work is what one can't escape - And be a Minor Poet; - And critics I may well defy - To find a minor bard than I. - - I ought to live out 'Frisco way, - Where working is considered silly, - As Greeley (Horace) used to say,-- - Or was it Collier (Willie)?-- - "Go West, young man" (I understand), - "Go West and blow up with the land!" - - Were I as full of zeal and fun - As Balzac, who could drudge so gaily, - Or diligent as Peter Dunne, - I might accomplish daily - An ode of Pleasure or of Passion - In Ella Wheeler Wilcox fashion; - - But, as it is, I sit and toil, - Consuming time and ink and curses - And pints of precious midnight oil - To perpetrate these verses. - If _writing_ them be dull indeed, - Alas! what must they be to _read_! - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Misrepresentative Women, by Harry Graham - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MISREPRESENTATIVE WOMEN *** - -***** This file should be named 42407.txt or 42407.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/2/4/0/42407/ - -Produced by Mark C. 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